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diff --git a/2987.txt b/2987.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d96b791 --- /dev/null +++ b/2987.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11080 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Mark Twain, A Biography, Vol. 3, Part 2, +1907-1910, by Albert Bigelow Paine + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Mark Twain, A Biography, Vol. 3, Part 2, 1907-1910 + The Personal And Literary Life Of Samuel Langhorne Clemens + +Author: Albert Bigelow Paine + +Release Date: August 21, 2006 [EBook #2987] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MARK TWAIN, A BIOGRAPHY, *** + + + + +Produced by David Widger + + + + + + + +MARK TWAIN, A BIOGRAPHY + +By Albert Bigelow Paine + + + +VOLUME III, Part 2: 1907-1910 + + + +CCLVI + + +HONORS FROM OXFORD + +Clemens made a brief trip to Bermuda during the winter, taking Twichell +along; their first return to the island since the trip when they had +promised to come back so soon-nearly thirty years before. They had been +comparatively young men then. They were old now, but they found the +green island as fresh and full of bloom as ever. They did not find their +old landlady; they could not even remember her name at first, and then +Twichell recalled that it was the same as an author of certain +schoolbooks in his youth, and Clemens promptly said, "Kirkham's Grammar." +Kirkham was truly the name, and they went to find her; but she was dead, +and the daughter, who had been a young girl in that earlier time, reigned +in her stead and entertained the successors of her mother's guests. They +walked and drove about the island, and it was like taking up again a +long-discontinued book and reading another chapter of the same tale. It +gave Mark Twain a fresh interest in Bermuda, one which he did not allow +to fade again. + +Later in the year (March, 1907) I also made a journey; it having been +agreed that I should take a trip to the Mississippi and to the Pacific +coast to see those old friends of Mark Twain's who were so rapidly +passing away. John Briggs was still alive, and other Hannibal +schoolmates; also Joe Goodman and Steve Gillis, and a few more of the +early pioneers--all eminently worth seeing in the matter of such work as +I had in hand. The billiard games would be interrupted; but whatever +reluctance to the plan there may have been on that account was put aside +in view of prospective benefits. Clemens, in fact, seemed to derive joy +from the thought that he was commissioning a kind of personal emissary to +his old comrades, and provided me with a letter of credentials. + +It was a long, successful trip that I made, and it was undertaken none +too soon. John Briggs, a gentle-hearted man, was already entering the +valley of the shadow as he talked to me by his fire one memorable +afternoon, and reviewed the pranks of those days along the river and in +the cave and on Holliday's Hill. I think it was six weeks later that he +died; and there were others of that scattering procession who did not +reach the end of the year. Joe Goodman, still full of vigor (in 1912), +journeyed with me to the green and dreamy solitudes of Jackass Hill to +see Steve and Jim Gillis, and that was an unforgetable Sunday when Steve +Gillis, an invalid, but with the fire still in his eyes and speech, sat +up on his couch in his little cabin in that Arcadian stillness and told +old tales and adventures. When I left he said: + +"Tell Sam I'm going to die pretty soon, but that I love him; that I've +loved him all my life, and I'll love him till I die. This is the last +word I'll ever send to him." Jim Gillis, down in Sonora, was already +lying at the point of death, and so for him the visit was too late, +though he was able to receive a message from his ancient mining partner, +and to send back a parting word. + +I returned by way of New Orleans and the Mississippi River, for I wished +to follow that abandoned water highway, and to visit its presiding +genius, Horace Bixby,--[He died August 2, 1912, at the age of 86]--still +alive and in service as pilot of the government snagboat, his +headquarters at St. Louis. + +Coming up the river on one of the old passenger steam boats that still +exist, I noticed in a paper which came aboard that Mark Twain was to +receive from Oxford University the literary doctor's degree. There had +been no hint of this when I came away, and it seemed rather too sudden +and too good to be true. That the little barefoot lad that had played +along the river-banks at Hannibal, and received such meager advantages in +the way of schooling--whose highest ambition had been to pilot such a +craft as this one--was about to be crowned by the world's greatest +institution of learning, to receive the highest recognition for +achievement in the world of letters, was a thing which would not be +likely to happen outside of a fairy tale. + +Returning to New York, I ran out to Tuxedo, where he had taken a home for +the summer (for it was already May), and walking along the shaded paths +of that beautiful suburban park, he told me what he knew of the Oxford +matter. + +Moberly Bell, of the London Times, had been over in April, and soon after +his return to England there had come word of the proposed honor. Clemens +privately and openly (to Bell) attributed it largely to his influence. He +wrote to him: + + DEAR MR. BELL,--Your hand is in it & you have my best thanks. + Although I wouldn't cross an ocean again for the price of the ship + that carried me I am glad to do it for an Oxford degree. I shall + plan to sail for England a shade before the middle of June, so that + I can have a few days in London before the 26th. + +A day or two later, when the time for sailing had been arranged, he +overtook his letter with a cable: + + I perceive your hand in it. You have my best thanks. Sail on + Minneapolis June 8th. Due in Southampton ten days later. + +Clemens said that his first word of the matter had been a newspaper +cablegram, and that he had been doubtful concerning it until a cablegram +to himself had confirmed it. + +"I never expected to cross the water again," he said; "but I would be +willing to journey to Mars for that Oxford degree." + +He put the matter aside then, and fell to talking of Jim Gillis and the +others I had visited, dwelling especially on Gillis's astonishing faculty +for improvising romances, recalling how he had stood with his back to the +fire weaving his endless, grotesque yarns, with no other guide than his +fancy. It was a long, happy walk we had, though rather a sad one in its +memories; and he seemed that day, in a sense, to close the gate of those +early scenes behind him, for he seldom referred to them afterward. + +He was back at 21 Fifth Avenue presently, arranging for his voyage. +Meantime, cable invitations of every sort were pouring in, from this and +that society and dignitary; invitations to dinners and ceremonials, and +what not, and it was clear enough that his English sojourn was to be a +busy one. He had hoped to avoid this, and began by declining all but two +invitations--a dinner-party given by Ambassador Whitelaw Reid and a +luncheon proposed by the "Pilgrims." But it became clear that this would +not do. England was not going to confer its greatest collegiate honor +without being permitted to pay its wider and more popular tribute. + +Clemens engaged a special secretary for the trip--Mr. Ralph W. Ashcroft, +a young Englishman familiar with London life. They sailed on the 8th of +June, by a curious coincidence exactly forty years from the day he had +sailed on the Quaker City to win his great fame. I went with him to the +ship. His first elation had passed by this time, and he seemed a little +sad, remembering, I think, the wife who would have enjoyed this honor +with him but could not share it now. + + + + +CCLVII + +A TRUE ENGLISH WELCOME + +Mark Twain's trip across the Atlantic would seem to have been a pleasant +one. The Minneapolis is a fine, big ship, and there was plenty of +company. Prof. Archibald Henderson, Bernard Shaw's biographer, was +aboard;--[Professor Henderson has since then published a volume on Mark +Twain-an interesting commentary on his writings--mainly from the +sociological point of view.]--also President Patton, of the Princeton +Theological Seminary; a well-known cartoonist, Richards, and some very +attractive young people--school-girls in particular, such as all through +his life had appealed to Mark Twain. Indeed, in his later life they made +a stronger appeal than ever. The years had robbed him of his own little +flock, and always he was trying to replace them. Once he said: + +"During those years after my wife's death I was washing about on a +forlorn sea of banquets and speech-making in high and holy causes, and +these things furnished me intellectual cheer, and entertainment; but they +got at my heart for an evening only, then left it dry and dusty. I had +reached the grandfather stage of life without grandchildren, so I began +to adopt some." + +He adopted several on that journey to England and on the return voyage, +and he kept on adopting others during the rest of his life. These +companionships became one of the happiest aspects of his final days, as +we shall see by and by. + +There were entertainments on the ship, one of them given for the benefit +of the Seamen's Orphanage. One of his adopted granddaughters--"Charley" +he called her--played a violin solo and Clemens made a speech. Later his +autographs were sold at auction. Dr. Patton was auctioneer, and one +autographed postal card brought twenty-five dollars, which is perhaps the +record price for a single Mark Twain signature. He wore his white suit +on this occasion, and in the course of his speech referred to it. He +told first of the many defects in his behavior, and how members of his +household had always tried to keep him straight. The children, he said, +had fallen into the habit of calling it "dusting papa off." Then he went +on: + + When my daughter came to see me off last Saturday at the boat she + slipped a note in my hand and said, "Read it when you get aboard the + ship." I didn't think of it again until day before yesterday, and + it was a "dusting off." And if I carry out all the instructions + that I got there I shall be more celebrated in England for my + behavior than for anything else. I got instructions how to act on + every occasion. She underscored "Now, don't you wear white clothes + on ship or on shore until you get back," and I intended to obey. I + have been used to obeying my family all my life, but I wore the + white clothes to-night because the trunk that has the dark clothes + in it is in the cellar. I am not apologizing for the white clothes; + I am only apologizing to my daughter for not obeying her. + +He received a great welcome when the ship arrived at Tilbury. A throng +of rapid-fire reporters and photographers immediately surrounded him, and +when he left the ship the stevedores gave him a round of cheers. It was +the beginning of that almost unheard-of demonstration of affection and +honor which never for a moment ceased, but augmented from day to day +during the four weeks of his English sojourn. + +In a dictation following his return, Mark Twain said: + + Who began it? The very people of all people in the world whom I + would have chosen: a hundred men of my own class--grimy sons of + labor, the real builders of empires and civilizations, the + stevedores! They stood in a body on the dock and charged their + masculine lungs, and gave me a welcome which went to the marrow of + me. + +J. Y. W. MacAlister was at the St. Pancras railway station to meet him, +and among others on the platform was Bernard Shaw, who had come down to +meet Professor Henderson. Clemens and Shaw were presented, and met +eagerly, for each greatly admired the other. A throng gathered. Mark +Twain was extricated at last, and hurried away to his apartments at +Brown's Hotel, "a placid, subdued, homelike, old-fashioned English inn," +he called it, "well known to me years ago, a blessed retreat of a sort +now rare in England, and becoming rarer every year." + +But Brown's was not placid and subdued during his stay. The London +newspapers declared that Mark Twain's arrival had turned Brown's not only +into a royal court, but a post-office--that the procession of visitors +and the bundles of mail fully warranted this statement. It was, in fact, +an experience which surpassed in general magnitude and magnificence +anything he had hitherto known. His former London visits, beginning with +that of 1872, had been distinguished by high attentions, but all of them +combined could not equal this. When England decides to get up an +ovation, her people are not to be outdone even by the lavish Americans. +An assistant secretary had to be engaged immediately, and it sometimes +required from sixteen to twenty hours a day for two skilled and busy men +to receive callers and reduce the pile of correspondence. + +A pile of invitations had already accumulated, and others flowed in. Lady +Stanley, widow of Henry M. Stanley, wrote: + + You know I want to see you and join right hand to right hand. I + must see your dear face again . . . . You will have no peace, + rest, or leisure during your stay in London, and you will end by + hating human beings. Let me come before you feel that way. + +Mary Cholmondeley, the author of Red Pottage, niece of that lovable +Reginald Cholmondeley, and herself an old friend, sent greetings and +urgent invitations. Archdeacon Wilberforce wrote: + + I have just been preaching about your indictment of that scoundrel + king of the Belgians and telling my people to buy the book. I am + only a humble item among the very many who offer you a cordial + welcome in England, but we long to see you again, and I should like + to change hats with you again. Do you remember? + +The Athenaeum, the Garrick, and a dozen other London clubs had +anticipated his arrival with cards of honorary membership for the period +of his stay. Every leading photographer had put in a claim for sittings. +It was such a reception as Charles Dickens had received in America in +1842, and again in 1867. A London paper likened it to Voltaire's return +to Paris in 1778, when France went mad over him. There is simply no +limit to English affection and, hospitality once aroused. Clemens wrote: + + Surely such weeks as this must be very rare in this world: I had + seen nothing like them before; I shall see nothing approaching them + again! + +Sir Thomas Lipton and Bram Stoker, old friends, were among the first to +present themselves, and there was no break in the line of callers. + +Clemens's resolutions for secluding himself were swept away. On the very +next morning following his arrival he breakfasted with J. Henniker +Heaton, father of International Penny Postage, at the Bath Club, just +across Dover Street from Brown's. He lunched at the Ritz with Marjorie +Bowen and Miss Bisland. In the afternoon he sat for photographs at +Barnett's, and made one or two calls. He could no more resist these +things than a debutante in her first season. + +He was breakfasting again with Heaton next morning; lunching with "Toby, +M.P.," and Mrs. Lucy; and having tea with Lady Stanley in the afternoon, +and being elaborately dined next day at Dorchester House by Ambassador +and Mrs. Reid. These were all old and tried friends. He was not a +stranger among them, he said; he was at home. Alfred Austin, Conan +Doyle, Anthony Hope, Alma Tadema, E. A. Abbey, Edmund Goss, George +Smalley, Sir Norman Lockyer, Henry W. Lucy, Sidney Brooks, and Bram +Stoker were among those at Dorchester House--all old comrades, as were +many of the other guests. + +"I knew fully half of those present," he said afterward. + +Mark Twain's bursting upon London society naturally was made the most of +by the London papers, and all his movements were tabulated and +elaborated, and when there was any opportunity for humor in the situation +it was not left unimproved. The celebrated Ascot racing-cup was stolen +just at the time of his arrival, and the papers suggestively mingled +their head-lines, "Mark Twain Arrives: Ascot Cup Stolen," and kept the +joke going in one form or another. Certain state jewels and other +regalia also disappeared during his stay, and the news of these +burglaries was reported in suspicious juxtaposition with the news of Mark +Twain's doings. + +English reporters adopted American habits for the occasion, and invented +or embellished when the demand for a new sensation was urgent. Once, +when following the custom of the place, he descended the hotel elevator +in a perfectly proper and heavy brown bath robe, and stepped across +narrow Dover Street to the Bath Club, the papers flamed next day with the +story that Mark Twain had wandered about the lobby of Brown's and +promenaded Dover Street in a sky-blue bath robe attracting wide +attention. + +Clara Clemens, across the ocean, was naturally a trifle disturbed by such +reports, and cabled this delicate "dusting off": + +"Much worried. Remember proprieties." + +To which he answered: + +"They all pattern after me," a reply to the last degree characteristic. + +It was on the fourth day after his arrival, June 22d, that he attended +the King's garden-party at Windsor Castle. There were eighty-five +hundred guests at the King's party, and if we may judge from the London +newspapers, Mark Twain was quite as much a figure in that great throng as +any member of the royal family. His presentation to the King and the +Queen is set down as an especially notable incident, and their +conversation is quite fully given. Clemens himself reported: + + His Majesty was very courteous. In the course of the conversation + I reminded him of an episode of fifteen years ago, when I had the + honor to walk a mile with him when he was taking the waters at + Homburg, in Germany. I said that I had often told about that + episode, and that whenever I was the historian I made good history + of it and it was worth listening to, but that it had found its way + into print once or twice in unauthentic ways and was badly damaged + thereby. I said I should like to go on repeating this history, but + that I should be quite fair and reasonably honest, and while I + should probably never tell it twice in the same way I should at + least never allow it to deteriorate in my hands. His Majesty + intimated his willingness that I should continue to disseminate that + piece of history; and he added a compliment, saying that he knew + good and sound history would not suffer at my hands, and that if + this good and sound history needed any improvement beyond the facts + he would trust me to furnish that improvement. + + I think it is not an exaggeration to say that the Queen looked as + young and beautiful as she did thirty-five years ago when I saw her + first. I did not say this to her, because I learned long ago never + to say the obvious thing, but leave the obvious thing to commonplace + and inexperienced people to say. That she still looked to me as + young and beautiful as she did thirty-five years ago is good + evidence that ten thousand people have already noticed this and have + mentioned it to her. I could have said it and spoken the truth, but + I was too wise for that. I kept the remark unuttered and saved her + Majesty the vexation of hearing it the ten-thousand-and-oneth time. + + All that report about my proposal to buy Windsor Castle and its + grounds was a false rumor. I started it myself. + + One newspaper said I patted his Majesty on the shoulder--an + impertinence of which I was not guilty; I was reared in the most + exclusive circles of Missouri and I know how to behave. The King + rested his hand upon my arm a moment or two while we were chatting, + but he did it of his own accord. The newspaper which said I talked + with her Majesty with my hat on spoke the truth, but my reasons for + doing it were good and sufficient--in fact unassailable. Rain was + threatening, the temperature had cooled, and the Queen said, "Please + put your hat on, Mr. Clemens." I begged her pardon and excused + myself from doing it. After a moment or two she said, "Mr. Clemens, + put your hat on"--with a slight emphasis on the word "on" "I can't + allow you to catch cold here." When a beautiful queen commands it + is a pleasure to obey, and this time I obeyed--but I had already + disobeyed once, which is more than a subject would have felt + justified in doing; and so it is true, as charged; I did talk with + the Queen of England with my hat on, but it wasn't fair in the + newspaper man to charge it upon me as an impoliteness, since there + were reasons for it which he could not know of. + +Nearly all the members of the British royal family were there, and there +were foreign visitors which included the King of Siam and a party of +India princes in their gorgeous court costumes, which Clemens admired +openly and said he would like to wear himself. + +The English papers spoke of it as one of the largest and most +distinguished parties ever given at Windsor. Clemens attended it in +company with Mr. and Mrs. J. Henniker Heaton, and when it was over Sir +Thomas Lipton joined them and motored with them back to Brown's. + +He was at Archdeacon Wilberforce's next day, where a curious circumstance +developed. When he arrived Wilberforce said to him, in an undertone: + +"Come into my library. I have something to show you." + +In the library Clemens was presented to a Mr. Pole, a plain-looking man, +suggesting in dress and appearance the English tradesman. Wilberforce +said: + +"Mr. Pole, show to Mr. Clemens what you have brought here." + +Mr. Pole unrolled a long strip of white linen and brought to view at last +a curious, saucer-looking vessel of silver, very ancient in appearance, +and cunningly overlaid with green glass. The archdeacon took it and +handed it to Clemens as some precious jewel. Clemens said: + +"What is it?" + +Wilberforce impressively answered: + +"It is the Holy Grail." + +Clemens naturally started with surprise. + +"You may well start," said Wilberforce; "but it's the truth. That is the +Holy Grail." + +Then he gave this explanation: Mr. Pole, a grain merchant of Bristol, had +developed some sort of clairvoyant power, or at all events he had dreamed +several times with great vividness the location of the true Grail. +Another dreamer, a Dr. Goodchild, of Bath, was mixed up in the matter, +and between them this peculiar vessel, which was not a cup, or a goblet, +or any of the traditional things, had been discovered. Mr. Pole seemed a +man of integrity, and it was clear that the churchman believed the +discovery to be genuine and authentic. Of course there could be no +positive proof. It was a thing that must be taken on trust. That the +vessel itself was wholly different from anything that the generations had +conceived, and was apparently of very ancient make, was opposed to the +natural suggestion of fraud. + +Clemens, to whom the whole idea of the Holy Grail was simply a poetic +legend and myth, had the feeling that he had suddenly been transmigrated, +like his own Connecticut Yankee, back into the Arthurian days; but he +made no question, suggested no doubt. Whatever it was, it was to them +the materialization of a symbol of faith which ranked only second to the +cross itself, and he handled it reverently and felt the honor of having +been one of the first permitted to see the relic. In a subsequent +dictation he said: + + I am glad I have lived to see that half-hour--that astonishing half- + hour. In its way it stands alone in my life's experience. In the + belief of two persons present this was the very vessel which was + brought by night and secretly delivered to Nicodemus, nearly + nineteen centuries ago, after the Creator of the universe had + delivered up His life on the cross for the redemption of the human + race; the very cup which the stainless Sir Galahad had sought with + knightly devotion in far fields of peril and adventure in Arthur's + time, fourteen hundred years ago; the same cup which princely + knights of other bygone ages had laid down their lives in long and + patient efforts to find, and had passed from life disappointed--and + here it was at last, dug up by a grain-broker at no cost of blood or + travel, and apparently no purity required of him above the average + purity of the twentieth-century dealer in cereal futures; not even a + stately name required--no Sir Galahad, no Sir Bors de Ganis, no Sir + Lancelot of the Lake--nothing but a mere Mr. Pole.--[From the New + York Sun somewhat later: "Mr. Pole communicated the discovery to a + dignitary of the Church of England, who summoned a number of eminent + persons, including psychologists, to see and discuss it. Forty + attended, including some peers with ecclesiastical interests, + Ambassador Whitelaw Reid, Professor Crookas, and ministers of + various religious bodies, including the Rev. R. J. Campbell. They + heard Mr. Pole's story with deep attention, but he could not prove + the genuineness of the relic."] + +Clemens saw Mr. and Mrs. Rogers at Claridge's Hotel that evening; lunched +with his old friends Sir Norman and Lady Lockyer next day; took tea with +T. P. O'Connor at the House of Commons, and on the day following, which +was June a 5th, he was the guest of honor at one of the most elaborate +occasions of his visit--a luncheon given by the Pilgrims at the Savoy +Hotel. It would be impossible to set down here a report of the doings, +or even a list of the guests, of that gathering. The Pilgrims is a club +with branches on both sides of the ocean, and Mark Twain, on either side, +was a favorite associate. At this luncheon the picture on the bill of +fare represented him as a robed pilgrim, with a great pen for his staff, +turning his back on the Mississippi River and being led along his +literary way by a huge jumping frog, to which he is attached by a string. +On a guest-card was printed: + + Pilot of many Pilgrims since the shout + "Mark Twain!"--that serves you for a deathless sign + --On Mississippi's waterway rang out + Over the plummet's line-- + Still where the countless ripples laugh above + The blue of halcyon seas long may you keep + Your course unbroken, buoyed upon a love + Ten thousand fathoms deep! + + --O. S. [OWEN SEAMAN]. + +Augustine Birrell made the speech of introduction, closing with this +paragraph: + + Mark Twain is a man whom Englishmen and Americans do well to honor. + He is a true consolidator of nations. His delightful humor is of + the kind which dissipates and destroys national prejudices. His + truth and his honor--his love of truth and his love of honor + --overflow all boundaries. He has made the world better by his + presence, and we rejoice to see him here. Long may he live to reap + a plentiful harvest of hearty honest human affection. + +The toast was drunk standing. Then Clemens rose and made a speech which +delighted all England. In his introduction Mr. Birrell had happened to +say, "How I came here I will not ask!" Clemens remembered this, and +looking down into Mr. Birrell's wine-glass, which was apparently unused, +he said: + +"Mr. Birrell doesn't know how he got here. But he will be able to get +away all right--he has not drunk anything since he came." + +He told stories about Howells and Twichell, and how Darwin had gone to +sleep reading his books, and then he came down to personal things and +company, and told them how, on the day of his arrival, he had been +shocked to read on a great placard, "Mark Twain Arrives: Ascot Cup +Stolen." + + No doubt many a person was misled by those sentences joined together + in that unkind way. I have no doubt my character has suffered from + it. I suppose I ought to defend my character, but how can I defend + it? I can say here and now that anybody can see by my face that I + am sincere--that I speak the truth, and that I have never seen that + Cup. I have not got the Cup, I did not have a chance to get it. I + have always had a good character in that way. I have hardly ever + stolen anything, and if I did steal anything I had discretion enough + to know about the value of it first. I do not steal things that are + likely to get myself into trouble. I do not think any of us do + that. I know we all take things--that is to be expected; but really + I have never taken anything, certainly in England, that amounts to + any great thing. I do confess that when I was here seven years ago + I stole a hat--but that did not amount to anything. It was not a + good hat it was only a clergyman's hat, anyway. I was at a + luncheon-party and Archdeacon Wilberforce was there also. I dare say + he is archdeacon now--he was a canon then--and he was serving in the + Westminster Battery, if that is the proper term. I do not know, as + you mix military and ecclesiastical things together so much. + +He recounted the incident of the exchanged hats; then he spoke of graver +things. He closed: + + I cannot always be cheerful, and I cannot always be chaffing. I + must sometimes lay the cap and bells aside and recognize that I am + of the human race. I have my cares and griefs, and I therefore + noticed what Mr. Birrell said--I was so glad to hear him say it + --something that was in the nature of these verses here at the top + of the program: + + He lit our life with shafts of sun + And vanquished pain. + Thus two great nations stand as one + In honoring Twain. + +I am very glad to have those verses. I am very glad and very grateful +for what Mr. Birrell said in that connection. I have received since I +have been here, in this one week, hundreds of letters from all conditions +of people in England, men, women, and children, and there is compliment, +praise, and, above all, and better than all, there is in them a note of +affection. + +Praise is well, compliment is well, but affection--that is the last and +final and most precious reward that any man can win, whether by character +or achievement, and I am very grateful to have that reward. All these +letters make me feel that here in England, as in America, when I stand +under the English or the American flag I am not a stranger, I am not an +alien, but at home. + + + + +CCLVIII + +DOCTOR OF LITERATURE, OXFORD + +He left, immediately following the Pilgrim luncheon, with Hon. Robert P. +Porter, of the London Times, for Oxford, to remain his guest there during +the various ceremonies. The encenia--the ceremony of conferring the +degrees--occurred at the Sheldonian Theater the following morning, June +26, 1907. + +It was a memorable affair. Among those who were to receive degrees that +morning besides Samuel Clemens were: Prince Arthur of Connaught; Prime +Minister Campbell-Bannerman; Whitelaw Reid; Rudyard Kipling; Sidney Lee; +Sidney Colvin; Lord Archbishop of Armagh, Primate of Ireland; Sir Norman +Lockyer; Auguste Rodin, the sculptor; Saint-Saens, and Gen. William +Booth, of the Salvation Army-something more than thirty, in all, of the +world's distinguished citizens. + +The candidates assembled at Magdalen College, and led by Lord Curzon, the +Chancellor, and clad in their academic plumage, filed in radiant +procession to the Sheldonian Theater, a group of men such as the world +seldom sees collected together. The London Standard said of it: + So brilliant and so interesting was the list of those who had been + selected by Oxford University on Convocation to receive degrees, + 'honoris causa', in this first year of Lord Curzon's chancellorship, + that it is small wonder that the Sheldonian Theater was besieged + today at an early hour. + + Shortly after 11 o'clock the organ started playing the strains of + "God Save the King," and at once a great volume of sound arose as + the anthem was taken up by the undergraduates and the rest of the + assemblage. Every one stood up as, headed by the mace of office, + the procession slowly filed into the theater, under the leadership + of Lord Curzon, in all the glory of his robes of office, the long + black gown heavily embroidered with gold, the gold-tasseled mortar- + board, and the medals on his breast forming an admirable setting, + thoroughly in keeping with the dignity and bearing of the late + Viceroy of India. Following him came the members of Convocation, a + goodly number consisting of doctors of divinity, whose robes of + scarlet and black enhanced the brilliance of the scene. Robes of + salmon and scarlet-which proclaim the wearer to be a doctor of civil + law--were also seen in numbers, while here and there was a gown of + gray and scarlet, emblematic of the doctorate of science or of + letters. + +The encenia is an impressive occasion; but it is not a silent one. There +is a splendid dignity about it; but there goes with it all a sort of +Greek chorus of hilarity, the time-honored prerogative of the Oxford +undergraduate, who insists on having his joke and his merriment at the +expense of those honored guests. The degrees of doctor of law were +conferred first. Prince Arthur was treated with proper dignity by the +gallery; but when Whitelaw Reid stepped forth a voice shouted, "Where's +your Star-spangled Banner?" and when England's Prime +Minister-Campbell-Bannerman--came forward some one shouted, "What about +the House of Lords?" and so they kept it up, cheering and chaffing, until +General Booth was introduced as the "Passionate advocate of the dregs of +the people, leader of the submerged tenth," and "general of the Salvation +Army," when the place broke into a perfect storm of applause, a storm +that a few minutes later became, according to the Daily News, "a +veritable cyclone," for Mark Twain, clad in his robe of scarlet and gray, +had been summoned forward to receive the highest academic honors which +the world has to give. The undergraduates went wild then. There was +such a mingling of yells and calls and questions, such as, "Have you +brought the jumping Frog with you?" "Where is the Ascot Cup?" "Where are +the rest of the Innocents?" that it seemed as if it would not be possible +to present him at all; but, finally, Chancellor Curzon addressed him (in +Latin), "Most amiable and charming sir, you shake the sides of the whole +world with your merriment," and the great degree was conferred. If only +Tom Sawyer could have seen him then! If only Olivia Clemens could have +sat among those who gave him welcome! But life is not like that. There +is always an incompleteness somewhere, and the shadow across the path. + +Rudyard Kipling followed--another supreme favorite, who was hailed with +the chorus, "For he's a jolly good fellow," and then came Saint-Satins. +The prize poems and essays followed, and then the procession of newly +created doctors left the theater with Lord Curzon at their head. So it +was all over-that for which, as he said, he would have made the journey +to Mars. The world had nothing more to give him now except that which he +had already long possessed-its honor and its love. + +The newly made doctors were to be the guests of Lord Curzon at All Souls +College for luncheon. As they left the theater (according to Sidney +Lee): + + The people in the streets singled out Mark Twain, formed a vast and + cheering body-guard around him and escorted him to the college + gates. But before and after the lunch it was Mark Twain again whom + everybody seemed most of all to want to meet. The Maharajah of + Bikanir, for instance, finding himself seated at lunch next to Mrs. + Riggs (Kate Douglas Wiggin), and hearing that she knew Mark Twain, + asked her to present him a ceremony duly performed later on the + quadrangle. At the garden-party given the same afternoon in the + beautiful grounds of St. John's, where the indefatigable Mark put + in an appearance, it was just the same--every one pressed forward + for an exchange of greetings and a hand-shake. On the following + day, when the Oxford pageant took place, it was even more so. "Mark + Twain's Pageant," it was called by one of the papers.--[There was a + dinner that evening at one of the colleges where, through mistaken + information, Clemens wore black evening dress when he should have + worn his scarlet gown. "When I arrived," he said, "the place was + just a conflagration--a kind of human prairie-fire. I looked as out + of place as a Presbyterian in hell."] + +Clemens remained the guest of Robert Porter, whose house was besieged +with those desiring a glimpse of their new doctor of letters. If he went +on the streets he was instantly recognized by some newsboy or cabman or +butcher-boy, and the word ran along like a cry of fire, while the crowds +assembled. + +At a luncheon which the Porters gave him the proprietor of the catering +establishment garbed himself as a waiter in order to have the distinction +of serving Mark Twain, and declared it to have been the greatest moment +of his life. This gentleman--for he was no less than that--was a man +well-read, and his tribute was not inspired by mere snobbery. Clemens, +learning of the situation, later withdrew from the drawing-room for a +talk with him. + +"I found," he said, "that he knew about ten or fifteen times as much +about my books as I knew about them myself." + +Mark Twain viewed the Oxford pageant from a box with Rudyard Kipling and +Lord Curzon, and as they sat there some one passed up a folded slip of +paper, on the outside of which was written, "Not true." Opening it, they +read: + + East is East and West is West, + And never the Twain shall meet, + + --a quotation from Kipling. + +They saw the panorama of history file by, a wonderful spectacle which +made Oxford a veritable dream of the Middle Ages. The lanes and streets +and meadows were thronged with such costumes as Oxford had seen in its +long history. History was realized in a manner which no one could +appreciate more fully than Mark Twain. + +"I was particularly anxious to see this pageant," he said, "so that I +could get ideas for my funeral procession, which I am planning on a large +scale." + +He was not disappointed; it was a realization to him of all the gorgeous +spectacles that his soul had dreamed from youth up. + +He easily recognized the great characters of history as they passed by, +and he was recognized by them in turn; for they waved to him and bowed +and sometimes called his name, and when he went down out of his box, by +and by, Henry VIII. shook hands with him, a monarch he had always +detested, though he was full of friendship for him now; and Charles I. +took off his broad, velvet-plumed hat when they met, and Henry II. and +Rosamond and Queen Elizabeth all saluted him--ghosts of the dead +centuries. + + + + +CCLIX + +LONDON SOCIAL HONORS + +We may not detail all the story of that English visit; even the path of +glory leads to monotony at last. We may only mention a few more of the +great honors paid to our unofficial ambassador to the world: among them a +dinner given to members of the Savage Club by the Lord Mayor of London at +the Mansion House, also a dinner given by the American Society at the +Hotel Cecil in honor of the Fourth of July. Clemens was the guest of +honor, and responded to the toast given by Ambassador Reid, "The Day we +Celebrate." He made an amusing and not altogether unserious reference to +the American habit of exploding enthusiasm in dangerous fireworks. + +To English colonists he gave credit for having established American +independence, and closed: + + We have, however, one Fourth of July which is absolutely our own, + and that is the memorable proclamation issued forty years ago by + that great American to whom Sir Mortimer Durand paid that just and + beautiful tribute--Abraham Lincoln: a proclamation which not only + set the black slave free, but set his white owner free also. The + owner was set free from that burden and offense, that sad condition + of things where he was in so many instances a master and owner of + slaves when he did not want to be. That proclamation set them all + free. But even in this matter England led the way, for she had set + her slaves free thirty years before, and we but followed her + example. We always follow her example, whether it is good or bad. + And it was an English judge, a century ago, that issued that other + great proclamation, and established that great principle, that when + a slave, let him belong to whom he may, and let him come whence he + may, sets his foot upon English soil his fetters, by that act, fall + away and he is a free man before the world! + + It is true, then, that all our Fourths of July, and we have five of + them, England gave to us, except that one that I have mentioned--the + Emancipation Proclamation; and let us not forget that we owe this + debt to her. Let us be able to say to old England, this great- + hearted, venerable old mother of the race, you gave us our Fourths + of July, that we love and that we honor and revere; you gave us the + Declaration of Independence, which is the charter of our rights; + you, the venerable Mother of Liberties, the Champion and Protector + of Anglo-Saxon Freedom--you gave us these things, and we do most + honestly thank you for them. + +It was at this dinner that he characteristically confessed, at last, to +having stolen the Ascot Cup. + +He lunched one day with Bernard Shaw, and the two discussed the +philosophies in which they were mutually interested. Shaw regarded +Clemens as a sociologist before all else, and gave it out with great +frankness that America had produced just two great geniuses--Edgar Allan +Poe and Mark Twain. Later Shaw wrote him a note, in which he said: + +I am persuaded that the future historian of America will find your works +as indispensable to him as a French historian finds the political tracts +of Voltaire. I tell you so because I am the author of a play in which a +priest says, "Telling the truth's the funniest joke in the world," a +piece of wisdom which you helped to teach me. + +Clemens saw a great deal of Moberly Bell. The two lunched and dined +privately together when there was opportunity, and often met at the +public gatherings. + +The bare memorandum of the week following July Fourth will convey +something of Mark Twain's London activities: + + Friday, July 5. Dined with Lord and Lady Portsmouth. + + Saturday, July 6. Breakfasted at Lord Avebury's. Lord Kelvin, Sir + Charles Lyell, and Sir Archibald Geikie were there. Sat 22 times + for photos, 16 at Histed's. Savage Club dinner in the evening. + White suit. Ascot Cup. + + Sunday, July 7. Called on Lady Langattock and others. Lunched with + Sir Norman Lockyer. + + Monday, July 8. Lunched with Plasmon directors at Bath Club. Dined + privately at C. F. Moberly Bell's. + + Tuesday, July 9. Lunched at the House with Sir Benjamin Stone. + Balfour and Komura were the other guests of honor. Punch dinner in + the evening. Joy Agnew and the cartoon. + + Wednesday, July 10. Went to Liverpool with Tay Pay. Attended + banquet in the Town Hall in the evening. + + Thursday, July 11. Returned to London with Tay Pay. Calls in the + afternoon. + +The Savage Club would inevitably want to entertain him on its own +account, and their dinner of July 6th was a handsome, affair. He felt at +home with the Savages, and put on white for the only time publicly in +England. He made them one of his reminiscent speeches, recalling his +association with them on his first visit to London, thirty-seven years +before. Then he said: + + That is a long time ago, and as I had come into a very strange land, + and was with friends, as I could see, that has always remained in my + mind as a peculiarly blessed evening, since it brought me into + contact with men of my own kind and my own feelings. I am glad to + be here, and to see you all, because it is very likely that I shall + not see you again. I have been received, as you know, in the most + delightfully generous way in England ever since I came here. It + keeps me choked up all the time. Everybody is so generous, and they + do seem to give you such a hearty welcome. Nobody in the world can + appreciate it higher than I do. + +The club gave him a surprise in the course of the evening. A note was +sent to him accompanied by a parcel, which, when opened, proved to +contain a gilded plaster replica of the Ascot Gold Cup. The note said: + + Dere Mark, i return the Cup. You couldn't keep your mouth shut + about it. 'Tis 2 pretty 2 melt, as you want me 2; nest time I work + a pinch ile have a pard who don't make after-dinner speeches. + +There was a postcript which said: "I changed the acorn atop for another +nut with my knife." The acorn was, in fact, replaced by a well-modeled +head of Mark Twain. + +So, after all, the Ascot Cup would be one of the trophies which he would +bear home with him across the Atlantic. + +Probably the most valued of his London honors was the dinner given to him +by the staff of Punch. Punch had already saluted him with a front-page +cartoon by Bernard Partridge, a picture in which the presiding genius of +that paper, Mr. Punch himself, presents him with a glass of the +patronymic beverage with the words, "Sir, I honor myself by drinking your +health. Long life to you--and happiness--and perpetual youth!" + +Mr. Agnew, chief editor; Linley Sambourne, Francis Burnand, Henry Lucy, +and others of the staff welcomed him at the Punch offices at 10 Bouverie +Street, in the historic Punch dining-room where Thackeray had sat, and +Douglas Jerrold, and so many of the great departed. Mark Twain was the +first foreign visitor to be so honored--in fifty years the first stranger +to sit at the sacred board--a mighty distinction. In the course of the +dinner they gave him a pretty surprise, when little joy Agnew presented +him with the original drawing of Partridge's cartoon. + +Nothing could have appealed to him more, and the Punch dinner, with its +associations and that dainty presentation, remained apart in his memory +from all other feastings. + +Clemens had intended to return early in July, but so much was happening +that he postponed his sailing until the 13th. Before leaving America, he +had declined a dinner offered by the Lord Mayor of Liverpool. + +Repeatedly urged to let Liverpool share in his visit, he had reconsidered +now, and on the day following the Punch dinner, on July 10th, they +carried him, with T. P. O'Connor (Tay Pay) in the Prince of Wales's +special coach to Liverpool, to be guest of honor at the reception and +banquet which Lord Mayor Japp tendered him at the Town Hall. Clemens was +too tired to be present while the courses were being served, but arrived +rested and fresh to respond to his toast. Perhaps because it was his +farewell speech in England, he made that night the most effective address +of his four weeks' visit--one of the most effective of his whole career: +He began by some light reference to the Ascot Cup and the Dublin Jewels +and the State Regalia, and other disappearances that had been laid to his +charge, to amuse his hearers, and spoke at greater length than usual, and +with even greater variety. Then laying all levity aside, he told them, +like the Queen of Sheba, all that was in his heart. + + . . . Home is dear to us all, and now I am departing to my own + home beyond the ocean. Oxford has conferred upon me the highest + honor that has ever fallen to my share of this life's prizes. It is + the very one I would have chosen, as outranking all and any others, + the one more precious to me than any and all others within the gift + of man or state. During my four weeks' sojourn in England I have + had another lofty honor, a continuous honor, an honor which has + flowed serenely along, without halt or obstruction, through all + these twenty-six days, a most moving and pulse-stirring honor--the + heartfelt grip of the hand, and the welcome that does not descend + from the pale-gray matter of the brain, but rushes up with the red + blood from the heart. It makes me proud and sometimes it makes me + humble, too. Many and many a year ago I gathered an incident from + Dana's Two Years Before the Mast. It was like this: There was a + presumptuous little self-important skipper in a coasting sloop + engaged in the dried-apple and kitchen-furniture trade, and he was + always hailing every ship that came in sight. He did it just to + hear himself talk and to air his small grandeur. One day a majestic + Indiaman came plowing by with course on course of canvas towering + into the sky, her decks and yards swarming with sailors, her hull + burdened to the Plimsoll line with a rich freightage of precious + spices, lading the breezes with gracious and mysterious odors of the + Orient. It was a noble spectacle, a sublime spectacle! Of course + the little skipper popped into the shrouds and squeaked out a hail, + "Ship ahoy! What ship is that? And whence and whither?" In a deep + and thunderous bass the answer came back through the speaking- + trumpet, "The Begum, of Bengal--142 days out from Canton--homeward + bound! What ship is that?" Well, it just crushed that poor little + creature's vanity flat, and he squeaked back most humbly, "Only the + Mary Ann, fourteen hours out from Boston, bound for Kittery Point + --with nothing to speak of!" Oh, what an eloquent word that "only," + to express the depths of his humbleness! That is just my case. + During just one hour in the twenty-four--not more--I pause and + reflect in the stillness of the night with the echoes of your + English welcome still lingering in my ears, and then I am humble. + Then I am properly meek, and for that little while I am only the + Mary Ann, fourteen hours out, cargoed with vegetables and tinware; + but during all the other twenty-three hours my vain self-complacency + rides high on the white crests of your approval, and then I am a + stately Indiaman, plowing the great seas under a cloud of canvas and + laden with the kindest words that have ever been vouchsafed to any + wandering alien in this world, I think; then my twenty-six fortunate + days on this old mother soil seem to be multiplied by six, and I am + the Begum, of Bengal, 142 days out from Canton--homeward bound! + +He returned to London, and with one of his young acquaintances, an +American--he called her Francesca--paid many calls. It took the +dreariness out of that social function to perform it in that way. With a +list of the calls they were to make they drove forth each day to cancel +the social debt. They paid calls in every walk of life. His young +companion was privileged to see the inside of London homes of almost +every class, for he showed no partiality; he went to the homes of the +poor and the rich alike. One day they visited the home of an old +bookkeeper whom he had known in 1872 as a clerk in a large establishment, +earning a salary of perhaps a pound a week, who now had risen mightily, +for he had become head bookkeeper in that establishment on a salary of +six pounds a week, and thought it great prosperity and fortune for his +old age. + +He sailed on July 13th for home, besought to the last moment by a crowd +of autograph-seekers and reporters and photographers, and a multitude who +only wished to see him and to shout and wave good-by. He was sailing +away from them for the last time. They hoped he would make a speech, but +that would not have been possible. To the reporters he gave a farewell +message: "It has been the most enjoyable holiday I have ever had, and I +am sorry the end of it has come. I have met a hundred, old friends, and +I have made a hundred new ones. It is a good kind of riches to have; +there is none better, I think." And the London Tribune declared that +"the ship that bore him away had difficulty in getting clear, so thickly +was the water strewn with the bay-leaves of his triumph. For Mark Twain +has triumphed, and in his all-too-brief stay of a month has done more for +the cause of the world's peace than will be accomplished by the Hague +Conference. He has made the world laugh again." + +His ship was the Minnetonka, and there were some little folks aboard to +be adopted as grandchildren. On July 5th, in a fog, the Minnetonka +collided with the bark Sterling, and narrowly escaped sinking her. On +the whole, however, the homeward way was clear, and the vessel reached +New York nearly a day in advance of their schedule. Some ceremonies of +welcome had been prepared for him; but they were upset by the early +arrival, so that when he descended the gang-plank to his native soil only +a few who had received special information were there to greet him. But +perhaps he did not notice it. He seldom took account of the absence of +such things. By early afternoon, however, the papers rang with the +announcement that Mark Twain was home again. + +It is a sorrow to me that I was not at the dock to welcome him. I had +been visiting in Elmira, and timed my return for the evening of the a 2d, +to be on hand the following morning, when the ship was due. When I saw +the announcement that he had already arrived I called a greeting over the +telephone, and was told to come down and play billiards. I confess I +went with a certain degree of awe, for one could not but be overwhelmed +with the echoes of the great splendor he had so recently achieved, and I +prepared to sit a good way off in silence, and hear something of the tale +of this returning conqueror; but when I arrived he was already in the +billiard-room knocking the balls about--his coat off, for it was a hot +night. As I entered he said: + +"Get your cue. I have been inventing a new game." And I think there +were scarcely ten words exchanged before we were at it. The pageant was +over; the curtain was rung down. Business was resumed at the old stand. + + + + +CCLX + +MATTERS PSYCHIC AND OTHERWISE + +He returned to Tuxedo and took up his dictations, and mingled freely with +the social life; but the contrast between his recent London experience +and his semi-retirement must have been very great. When I visited him +now and then, he seemed to me lonely--not especially for companionship, +but rather for the life that lay behind him--the great career which in a +sense now had been completed since he had touched its highest point. +There was no billiard-table at Tuxedo, and he spoke expectantly of +getting back to town and the games there, also of the new home which was +then building in Redding, and which would have a billiard-room where we +could assemble daily--my own habitation being not far away. Various +diversions were planned for Redding; among them was discussed a possible +school of philosophy, such as Hawthorne and Emerson and Alcott had +established at Concord. + +He spoke quite freely of his English experiences, but usually of the more +amusing phases. He almost never referred to the honors that had been +paid to him, yet he must have thought of them sometimes, and cherished +them, for it had been the greatest national tribute ever paid to a +private citizen; he must have known that in his heart. He spoke +amusingly of his visit to Marie Corelli, in Stratford, and of the Holy +Grail incident, ending the latter by questioning--in words at least--all +psychic manifestations. I said to him: + +"But remember your own dream, Mr. Clemens, which presaged the death of +your brother." + +He answered: "I ask nobody to believe that it ever happened. To me it is +true; but it has no logical right to be true, and I do not expect belief +in it." Which I thought a peculiar point of view, but on the whole +characteristic. + +He was invited to be a special guest at the Jamestown Exposition on +Fulton Day, in September, and Mr. Rogers lent him his yacht in which to +make the trip. It was a break in the summer's monotonies, and the +Jamestown honors must have reminded him of those in London. When he +entered the auditorium where the services were to be held there was a +demonstration which lasted more than five minutes. Every person in the +hall rose and cheered, waving handkerchiefs and umbrellas. He made them +a brief, amusing talk on Fulton and other matters, then introduced +Admiral Harrington, who delivered a masterly address and was followed by +Martin W. Littleton, the real orator of the day. Littleton acquitted +himself so notably that Mark Twain conceived for him a deep admiration, +and the two men quickly became friends. They saw each other often during +the remainder of the Jamestown stay, and Clemens, learning that Littleton +lived just across Ninth Street from him in New York, invited him to come +over when he had an evening to spare and join the billiard games. + +So it happened, somewhat later, when every one was back in town, Mr. and +Mrs. Littleton frequently came over for billiards, and the games became +three-handed with an audience--very pleasant games played in that way. +Clemens sometimes set himself up as umpire, and became critic and gave +advice, while Littleton and I played. He had a favorite shot that he +frequently used himself and was always wanting us to try, which was to +drive the ball to the cushion at the beginning of the shot. + +He played it with a good deal of success, and achieved unexpected results +with it. He was even inspired to write a poem on the subject. + + "CUSHION FIRST" + + When all your days are dark with doubt, + And dying hope is at its worst; + When all life's balls are scattered wide, + With not a shot in sight, to left or right, + Don't give it up; + Advance your cue and shut your eyes, + And take the cushion first. + +The Harry Thaw trial was in progress just then, and Littleton was Thaw's +chief attorney. It was most interesting to hear from him direct the +day's proceedings and his views of the situation and of Thaw. + +Littleton and billiards recall a curious thing which happened one +afternoon. I had been absent the evening before, and Littleton had been +over. It was after luncheon now, and Clemens and I began preparing for +the customary games. We were playing then a game with four balls, two +white and two red. I began by placing the red balls on the table, and +then went around looking in the pockets for the two white cue-balls. When +I had made the round of the table I had found but one white ball. I +thought I must have overlooked the other, and made the round again. Then +I said: + +"There is one white ball missing." + +Clemens, to satisfy himself, also made the round of the pockets, and +said: + +"It was here last night." He felt in the pockets of the little +white-silk coat which he usually wore, thinking that he might +unconsciously have placed it there at the end of the last game, but his +coat pockets were empty. + +He said: "I'll bet Littleton carried that ball home with him." + +Then I suggested that near the end of the game it might have jumped off +the table, and I looked carefully under the furniture and in the various +corners, but without success. There was another set of balls, and out of +it I selected a white one for our play, and the game began. It went +along in the usual way, the balls constantly falling into the pockets, +and as constantly being replaced on the table. This had continued for +perhaps half an hour, there being no pocket that had not been frequently +occupied and emptied during that time; but then it happened that Clemens +reached into the middle pocket, and taking out a white ball laid it in +place, whereupon we made the discovery that three white balls lay upon +the table. The one just taken from the pocket was the missing ball. We +looked at each other, both at first too astonished to say anything at +all. No one had been in the room since we began to play, and at no time +during the play had there been more than two white balls in evidence, +though the pockets had been emptied at the end of each shot. The pocket +from which the missing ball had been taken had been filled and emptied +again and again. Then Clemens said: + +"We must be dreaming." + +We stopped the game for a while to discuss it, but we could devise no +material explanation. I suggested the kobold--that mischievous invisible +which is supposed to play pranks by carrying off such things as pencils, +letters, and the like, and suddenly restoring them almost before one's +eyes. Clemens, who, in spite of his material logic, was always a mystic +at heart, said: + +"But that, so far as I know, has never happened to more than one person +at a time, and has been explained by a sort of temporary mental +blindness. This thing has happened to two of us, and there can be no +question as to the positive absence of the object." + +"How about dematerialization?" + +"Yes, if one of us were a medium that might be considered an +explanation." + +He went on to recall that Sir Alfred Russel Wallace had written of such +things, and cited instances which Wallace had recorded. In the end he +said: + +"Well, it happened, that's all we can say, and nobody can ever convince +me that it didn't." + +We went on playing, and the ball remained solid and substantial ever +after, so far as I know. + +I am reminded of two more or less related incidents of this period. +Clemens was, one morning, dictating something about his Christian Union +article concerning Mrs. Clemens's government of children, published in +1885. I had discovered no copy of it among the materials, and he was +wishing very much that he could see one. Somewhat later, as he was +walking down Fifth Avenue, the thought of this article and his desire for +it suddenly entered his mind. Reaching the corner of Forty-second +Street, he stopped a moment to let a jam of vehicles pass. As he did so +a stranger crossed the street, noticed him, and came dodging his way +through the blockade and thrust some clippings into his hand. + +"Mr. Clemens," he said, "you don't know me, but here is something you may +wish to have. I have been saving them for more than twenty years, and +this morning it occurred to me to send them to you. I was going to mail +them from my office, but now I will give them to you," and with a word or +two he disappeared. The clippings were from the Christian Union of 1885, +and were the much-desired article. Clemens regarded it as a remarkable +case of mental telegraphy. + +"Or, if it wasn't that," he said, "it was a most remarkable coincidence." + +The other circumstance has been thought amusing. I had gone to Redding +for a few days, and while there, one afternoon about five o'clock, fell +over a coal-scuttle and scarified myself a good deal between the ankle +and the knee. I mention the hour because it seems important. Next +morning I received a note, prompted by Mr. Clemens, in which he said: + +Tell Paine I am sorry he fell and skinned his shin at five o'clock +yesterday afternoon. + +I was naturally astonished, and immediately wrote: + +I did fall and skin my shin at five o'clock yesterday afternoon, but how +did you find it out? + +I followed the letter in person next day, and learned that at the same +hour on the same afternoon Clemens himself had fallen up the front steps +and, as he said, peeled off from his "starboard shin a ribbon of skin +three inches long." The disaster was still uppermost in his mind at the +time of writing, and the suggestion of my own mishap had flashed out for +no particular reason. + +Clemens was always having his fortune told, in one way or another, being +superstitious, as he readily confessed, though at times professing little +faith in these prognostics. Once when a clairvoyant, of whom he had +never even heard, and whom he had reason to believe was ignorant of his +family history, told him more about it than he knew himself, besides +reading a list of names from a piece of paper which Clemens had concealed +in his vest pocket he came home deeply impressed. The clairvoyant added +that he would probably live to a great age and die in a foreign land--a +prophecy which did not comfort him. + + + + +CCLXI + +MINOR EVENTS AND DIVERSIONS + +Mark Twain was deeply interested during the autumn of 1907 in the +Children's Theater of the Jewish Educational Alliance, on the lower East +Side--a most worthy institution which ought to have survived. A Miss +Alice M. Herts, who developed and directed it, gave her strength and +health to build up an institution through which the interest of the +children could be diverted from less fortunate amusements. She had +interested a great body of Jewish children in the plays of Shakespeare, +and of more modern dramatists, and these they had performed from time to +time with great success. The admission fee to the performance was ten +cents, and the theater was always crowded with other children--certainly +a better diversion for them than the amusements of the street, though of +course, as a business enterprise, the theater could not pay. It required +patrons. Miss Herts obtained permission to play "The Prince and the +Pauper," and Mark Twain agreed to become a sort of chief patron in using +his influence to bring together an audience who might be willing to +assist financially in this worthy work. + +"The Prince and the Pauper" evening turned out a distinguished affair. On +the night of November 19, 1907, the hall of the Educational Alliance was +crowded with such an audience as perhaps never before assembled on the +East Side; the finance and the fashion of New York were there. It was a +gala night for the little East Side performers. Behind the curtain they +whispered to each other that they were to play before queens. The +performance they gave was an astonishing one. So fully did they enter +into the spirit of Tom Canty's rise to royalty that they seemed +absolutely to forget that they were lowly-born children of the Ghetto. +They had become little princesses and lords and maids-in-waiting, and +they moved through their pretty tinsel parts as if all their ornaments +were gems and their raiment cloth of gold. There was no hesitation, no +awkwardness of speech or gesture, and they rose really to sublime heights +in the barn scene where the little Prince is in the hands of the mob. +Never in the history of the stage has there been assembled a mob more +wonderful than that. These children knew mobs! A mob to them was a +daily sight, and their reproduction of it was a thing to startle you with +its realism. Never was it absurd; never was there a single note of +artificiality in it. It was Hogarthian in its bigness. + +Both Mark Twain and Miss Herts made brief addresses, and the audience +shouted approval of their words. It seems a pity that such a project as +that must fail, and I do not know why it happened. Wealthy men and women +manifested an interest; but there was some hitch somewhere, and the +Children's Theater exists to-day only as history.--[In a letter to a Mrs. +Amelia Dunne Hookway, who had conducted some children's plays at the +Howland School, Chicago, Mark Twain once wrote: "If I were going to begin +life over again I would have a children's theater and watch it, and work +for it, and see it grow and blossom and bear its rich moral and +intellectual fruitage; and I should get more pleasure and a saner and +healthier profit out of my vocation than I should ever be able to get out +of any other, constituted as I am. Yes, you are easily the most +fortunate of women, I think."] + +It was at a dinner at The Players--a small, private dinner given by Mr. +George C. Riggs-that I saw Edward L. Burlingame and Mark Twain for the +only time together. They had often met during the forty-two years that +had passed since their long-ago Sandwich Island friendship; but only +incidentally, for Mr. Burlingame cared not much for great public +occasions, and as editor of Scribner's Magazine he had been somewhat out +of the line of Mark Twain's literary doings. + +Howells was there, and Gen. Stewart L. Woodford, and David Bispham, John +Finley, Evan Shipman, Nicholas Biddle, and David Munro. Clemens told +that night, for the first time, the story of General Miles and the +three-dollar dog, inventing it, I believe, as he went along, though for +the moment it certainly did sound like history. He told it often after +that, and it has been included in his book of speeches. + +Later, in the cab, he said: + +"That was a mighty good dinner. Riggs knows how to do that sort of +thing. I enjoyed it ever so much. Now we'll go home and play +billiards." + +We began about eleven o'clock, and played until after midnight. I +happened to be too strong for him, and he swore amazingly. He vowed that +it was not a gentleman's game at all, that Riggs's wine had demoralized +the play. But at the end, when we were putting up the cues, he said: + +"Well, those were good games. There is nothing like billiards after +all." + +We did not play billiards on his birthday that year. He went to the +theater in the afternoon; and it happened that, with Jesse Lynch +Williams, I attended the same performance--the "Toy-Maker of Nuremberg" +--written by Austin Strong. It proved to be a charming play, and I could +see that Clemens was enjoying it. He sat in a box next to the stage, and +the actors clearly were doing their very prettiest for his benefit. + +When later I mentioned having seen him at the play, he spoke freely of +his pleasure in it. + +"It is a fine, delicate piece of work," he said. "I wish I could do such +things as that." + +"I believe you are too literary for play-writing." + +"Yes, no doubt. There was never any question with the managers about my +plays. They always said they wouldn't act. Howells has come pretty near +to something once or twice. I judge the trouble is that the literary man +is thinking of the style and quality of the thing, while the playwright +thinks only of how it will play. One is thinking of how it will sound, +the other of how it will look." + +"I suppose," I said, "the literary man should have a collaborator with a +genius for stage mechanism. John Luther Long's exquisite plays would +hardly have been successful without David Belasco to stage them. Belasco +cannot write a play himself, but in the matter of acting construction his +genius is supreme." + +"Yes, so it is; it was Belasco who made it possible to play 'The Prince +and the Pauper'--a collection of literary garbage before he got hold of +it." + +Clemens attended few public functions now. He was beset with +invitations, but he declined most of them. He told the dog story one +night to the Pleiades Club, assembled at the Brevoort; but that was only +a step away, and we went in after the dining was ended and came away +before the exercises were concluded. + +He also spoke at a banquet given to Andrew Carnegie--Saint Andrew, as he +called him--by the Engineers Club, and had his usual fun at the chief +guest's expense. + + I have been chief guest at a good many banquets myself, and I know + what brother Andrew is feeling like now. He has been receiving + compliments and nothing but compliments, but he knows that there is + another side to him that needs censure. + + I am going to vary the complimentary monotony. While we have all + been listening to the complimentary talk Mr. Carnegie's face has + scintillated with fictitious innocence. You'd think he never + committed a crime in his life. But he has. + + Look at his pestiferous simplified spelling. Imagine the calamity + on two sides of the ocean when he foisted his simplified spelling on + the whole human race. We've got it all now so that nobody could + spell . . . . + + If Mr. Carnegie had left spelling alone we wouldn't have had any + spots on the sun, or any San Francisco quake, or any business + depression. + + There, I trust he feels better now and that he has enjoyed my abuse + more than he did his compliments. And now that I think I have him + smoothed down and feeling comfortable I just want to say one thing + more--that his simplified spelling is all right enough, but, like + chastity, you can carry it too far. + +As he was about to go, Carnegie called his attention to the beautiful +souvenir bronze and gold-plated goblets that stood at each guest's plate. +Carnegie said: + +"The club had those especially made at Tiffany's for this occasion. They +cost ten dollars apiece." + +Clemens sand: "Is that so? Well, I only meant to take my own; but if +that's the case I'll load my cab with them." + +We made an attempt to reform on the matter of billiards. The continued +strain of late hours was doing neither of us any particular good. More +than once I journeyed into the country on one errand and another, mainly +for rest; but a card saying that he was lonely and upset, for lack of his +evening games, quickly brought me back again. It was my wish only to +serve him; it was a privilege and an honor to give him happiness. + +Billiards, however, was not his only recreation just then. He walked out +a good deal, and especially of a pleasant Sunday morning he liked the +stroll up Fifth Avenue. Sometimes we went as high as Carnegie's, on +Ninety-second Street, and rode home on top of the electric stage--always +one of Mark Twain's favorite diversions. + +From that high seat he liked to look down on the panorama of the streets, +and in that free, open air he could smoke without interference. Oftener, +however, we turned at Fifty-ninth Street, walking both ways. + +When it was pleasant we sometimes sat on a bench in Central Park; and +once he must have left a handkerchief there, for a few days later one of +his handkerchiefs came to him accompanied by a note. Its finder, a Mr. +Lockwood, received a reward, for Mark Twain wrote him: + + There is more rejoicing in this house over that one handkerchief + that was lost and is found again than over the ninety and nine that + never went to the wash at all. Heaven will reward you, I know it + will. + +On Sunday mornings the return walk would be timed for about the hour that +the churches would be dismissed. On the first Sunday morning we had +started a little early, and I thoughtlessly suggested, when we reached +Fifty-ninth Street, that if we returned at once we would avoid the +throng. He said, quietly: + +"I like the throng." + +So we rested in the Plaza Hotel until the appointed hour. Men and women +noticed him, and came over to shake his hand. The gigantic man in +uniform; in charge of the carriages at the door, came in for a word. He +had opened carriages for Mr. Clemens at the Twenty-third Street station, +and now wanted to claim that honor. I think he received the most cordial +welcome of any one who came. I am sure he did. It was Mark Twain's way +to warm to the man of the lower social rank. He was never too busy, +never too preoccupied, to grasp the hand of such a man; to listen to his +story, and to say just the words that would make that man happy +remembering them. + +We left the Plaza Hotel and presently were amid the throng of outpouring +congregations. Of course he was the object on which every passing eye +turned; the presence to which every hat was lifted. I realized that this +open and eagerly paid homage of the multitude was still dear to him, not +in any small and petty way, but as the tribute of a nation, the +expression of that affection which in his London and Liverpool speeches +he had declared to be the last and final and most precious reward that +any man can win, whether by character or achievement. It was his final +harvest, and he had the courage to claim it--the aftermath of all his +years of honorable labor and noble living. + + + + +CCLXII + +FROM MARK TWAIN's MAIL + +If the reader has any curiosity as to some of the less usual letters +which a man of wide public note may inspire, perhaps he will find a +certain interest in a few selected from the thousands which yearly came +to Mark Twain. + +For one thing, he was constantly receiving prescriptions and remedies +whenever the papers reported one of his bronchial or rheumatic attacks. +It is hardly necessary to quote examples of these, but only a form of his +occasional reply, which was likely to be in this wise: + + DEAR SIR [or MADAM],--I try every remedy sent to me. I am now on + No. 87. Yours is 2,653. I am looking forward to its beneficial + results. + +Of course a large number of the nostrums and palliatives offered were +preparations made by the wildest and longest-haired medical cranks. One +of these sent an advertisement of a certain Elixir of Life, which was +guaranteed to cure everything--to "wash and cleanse the human molecules, +and so restore youth and preserve life everlasting." + +Anonymous letters are not usually popular or to be encouraged, but Mark +Twain had an especial weakness for compliments that came in that way. +They were not mercenary compliments. The writer had nothing to gain. Two +such letters follow--both written in England just at the time of his +return. + + MARK TWAIN. + + DEAR SIR,--Please accept a poor widow's good-by and kindest wishes. + I have had some of your books sent to me; have enjoyed them very + much--only wish I could afford to buy some. + + I should very much like to have seen you. I have many photos of you + which I have cut from several papers which I read. I have one where + you are writing in bed, which I cut from the Daily News. Like + myself, you believe in lots of sleep and rest. I am 70 and I find I + need plenty. Please forgive the liberty I have taken in writing to + you. If I can't come to your funeral may we meet beyond the river. + + May God guard you, is the wish of a lonely old widow. + Yours sincerely, + +The other letter also tells its own story: + + DEAR, KIND MARK TWAIN,--For years I have wanted to write and thank + you for the comfort you were to me once, only I never quite knew + where you were, and besides I did not want to bother you; but to-day + I was told by some one who saw you going into the lift at the Savoy + that you looked sad and I thought it might cheer you a little tiny + bit to hear how you kept a poor lonely girl from ruining her eyes + with crying every night for long months. + + Ten years ago I had to leave home and earn my living as a governess + and Fate sent me to spend a winter with a very dull old country + family in the depths of Staffordshire. According to the genial + English custom, after my five charges had gone to bed, I took my + evening meal alone in the school-room, where "Henry Tudor had supped + the night before Bosworth," and there I had to stay without a soul + to speak to till I went to bed. At first I used to cry every night, + but a friend sent me a copy of your Huckleberry Finn and I never + cried any more. I kept him handy under the copy-books and maps, and + when Henry Tudor commenced to stretch out his chilly hands toward me + I grabbed my dear Huck and he never once failed me; I opened him at + random and in two minutes I was in another world. That's why I am + so grateful to you and so fond of you, and I thought you might like + to know; for it is yourself that has the kind heart, as is easily + seen from the way you wrote about the poor old nigger. I am a + stenographer now and live at home, but I shall never forget how you + helped me. God bless you and spare you long to those you are dear + to. + +A letter which came to him soon after his return from England contained a +clipping which reported the good work done by Christian missionaries in +the Congo, especially among natives afflicted by the terrible sleeping +sickness. The letter itself consisted merely of a line, which said: + + Won't you give your friends, the missionaries, a good mark for this? + +The writer's name was signed, and Mark Twain answered: + + In China the missionaries are not wanted, & so they ought to be + decent & go away. But I have not heard that in the Congo the + missionary servants of God are unwelcome to the native. + + Evidently those missionaries axe pitying, compassionate, kind. How + it would improve God to take a lesson from them! He invented & + distributed the germ of that awful disease among those helpless, + poor savages, & now He sits with His elbows on the balusters & looks + down & enjoys this wanton crime. Confidently, & between you & me + --well, never mind, I might get struck by lightning if I said it. + + Those are good and kindly men, those missionaries, but they are a + measureless satire upon their Master. + +To which the writer answered: + + O wicked Mr. Clemens! I have to ask Saint Joan of Arc to pray for + you; then one of these days, when we all stand before the Golden + Gates and we no longer "see through a glass darkly and know only in + part," there will be a struggle at the heavenly portals between Joan + of Arc and St. Peter, but your blessed Joan will conquer and she'll + lead Mr. Clemens through the gates of pearl and apologize and plead + for him. + +Of the letters that irritated him, perhaps the following is as fair a +sample as any, and it has additional interest in its sequel. + + DEAR SIR,--I have written a book--naturally--which fact, however, + since I am not your enemy, need give you no occasion to rejoice. + Nor need you grieve, though I am sending you a copy. If I knew of + any way of compelling you to read it I would do so, but unless the + first few pages have that effect I can do nothing. Try the first + few pages. I have done a great deal more than that with your books, + so perhaps you owe me some thing--say ten pages. If after that + attempt you put it aside I shall be sorry--for you. + + I am afraid that the above looks flippant--but think of the + twitterings of the soul of him who brings in his hand an unbidden + book, written by himself. To such a one much is due in the way of + indulgence. Will you remember that? Have you forgotten early + twitterings of your own? + +In a memorandum made on this letter Mark Twain wrote: + + Another one of those peculiarly depressing letters--a letter cast in + artificially humorous form, whilst no art could make the subject + humorous--to me. + +Commenting further, he said: + + As I have remarked before about one thousand times the coat of arms + of the human race ought to consist of a man with an ax on his + shoulder proceeding toward a grindstone, or it ought to represent + the several members of the human race holding out the hat to one + another; for we are all beggars, each in his own way. One beggar is + too proud to beg for pennies, but will beg for an introduction into + society; another does not care for society, but he wants a + postmastership; another will inveigle a lawyer into conversation and + then sponge on him for free advice. The man who wouldn't do any of + these things will beg for the Presidency. Each admires his own + dignity and greatly guards it, but in his opinion the others haven't + any. + + Mendicancy is a matter of taste and temperament, no doubt, but no + human being is without some form of it. I know my own form, you + know yours. Let us conceal them from view and abuse the others. + There is no man so poor but what at intervals some man comes to him + with an ax to grind. By and by the ax's aspect becomes familiar to + the proprietor of the grindstone. He perceives that it is the same + old ax. If you are a governor you know that the stranger wants an + office. The first time he arrives you are deceived; he pours out + such noble praises of you and your political record that you are + moved to tears; there's a lump in your throat and you are thankful + that you have lived for this happiness. Then the stranger discloses + his ax, and you are ashamed of yourself and your race. Six + repetitions will cure you. After that you interrupt the compliments + and say, "Yes, yes, that's all right; never mind about that. What + is it you want?" + + But you and I are in the business ourselves. Every now and then we + carry our ax to somebody and ask a whet. I don't carry mine to + strangers--I draw the line there; perhaps that is your way. This is + bound to set us up on a high and holy pinnacle and make us look down + in cold rebuke on persons who carry their axes to strangers. + + I do not know how to answer that stranger's letter. I wish he had + spared me. Never mind about him--I am thinking about myself. I + wish he had spared me. The book has not arrived yet; but no matter, + I am prejudiced against it. + +It was a few days later that he added: + + I wrote to that man. I fell back upon the old Overworked, polite + lie, and thanked him for his book and said I was promising myself + the pleasure of reading it. Of course that set me free; I was not + obliged to read it now at all, and, being free, my prejudice was + gone, and as soon as the book came I opened it to see what it was + like. I was not able to put it down until I had finished. It was + an embarrassing thing to have to write to that man and confess that + fact, but I had to do it. That first letter was merely a lie. Do + you think I wrote the second one to give that man pleasure? Well, I + did, but it was second-hand pleasure. I wrote it first to give + myself comfort, to make myself forget the original lie. + +Mark Twain's interest was once aroused by the following: + + DEAR SIR,--I have had more or less of your works on my shelves for + years, and believe I have practically a complete set now. This is + nothing unusual, of course, but I presume it will seem to you + unusual for any one to keep books constantly in sight which the + owner regrets ever having read. + + Every time my glance rests on the books I do regret having read + them, and do not hesitate to tell you so to your face, and care not + who may know my feelings. You, who must be kept busy attending to + your correspondence, will probably pay little or no attention to + this small fraction of it, yet my reasons, I believe, are sound and + are probably shared by more people than you are aware of. + + Probably you will not read far enough through this to see who has + signed it, but if you do, and care to know why I wish I had left + your work unread, I will tell you as briefly as possible if you will + ask me. + GEORGE B. LAUDER. + +Clemens did not answer the letter, but put it in his pocket, perhaps +intending to do so, and a few days later, in Boston, when a reporter +called, he happened to remember it. The reporter asked permission to +print the queer document, and it appeared in his Mark Twain interview +next morning. A few days later the writer of it sent a second letter, +this time explaining: + + MY DEAR SIR,--I saw in to-day's paper a copy of the letter which I + wrote you October 26th. + + I have read and re-read your works until I can almost recall some of + them word for word. My familiarity with them is a constant source + of pleasure which I would not have missed, and therefore the regret + which I have expressed is more than offset by thankfulness. + + Believe me, the regret which I feel for having read your works is + entirely due to the unalterable fact that I can never again have the + pleasure of reading them for the first time. + + Your sincere admirer, + GEORGE B. LADDER. + +Mark Twain promptly replied this time: + DEAR SIR, You fooled me completely; I didn't divine what the letter + was concealing, neither did the newspaper men, so you are a very + competent deceiver. + Truly yours, + S. L. CLEMENS. + +It was about the end of 1907 that the new St. Louis Harbor boat, was +completed. The editor of the St. Louis Republic reported that it has +been christened "Mark Twain," and asked for a word of comment. Clemens +sent this line: + + May my namesake follow in my righteous footsteps, then neither of us + will need any fire insurance. + + + + +CCLXIII + +SOME LITERARY LUNCHEONS + +Howells, in his book, refers to the Human Race Luncheon Club, which +Clemens once organized for the particular purpose of damning the species +in concert. It was to consist, beside Clemens himself, of Howells, +Colonel Harvey, and Peter Dunne; but it somehow never happened that even +this small membership could be assembled while the idea was still fresh, +and therefore potent. + +Out of it, however, grew a number of those private social gatherings +which Clemens so dearly loved--small luncheons and dinners given at his +own table. The first of these came along toward the end of 1907, when +Howells was planning to spend the winter in Italy. + +"Howells is going away," he said, "and I should like to give him a +stag-party. We'll enlarge the Human Race Club for the occasion." + +So Howells, Colonel Harvey, Martin Littleton, Augustus Thomas, Robert +Porter, and Paderewski were invited. Paderewski was unable to come, and +seven in all assembled. + +Howells was first to arrive. + +"Here comes Howells," Clemens said. "Old Howells a thousand years old." + +But Howells didn't look it. His face was full of good-nature and +apparent health, and he was by no means venerable, either in speech or +action. Thomas, Porter, Littleton, and Harvey drifted in. Cocktails +were served and luncheon was announced. + +Claude, the butler, had prepared the table with fine artistry--its center +a mass of roses. There was to be no woman in the neighborhood--Clemens +announced this fact as a sort of warrant for general freedom of +expression. + +Thomas's play, "The Witching Hour," was then at the height of its great +acceptance, and the talk naturally began there. Thomas told something of +the difficulty which he found in being able to convince a manager that it +would succeed, and declared it to be his own favorite work. I believe +there was no dissenting opinion as to its artistic value, or concerning +its purpose and psychology, though these had been the stumbling-blocks +from a managerial point of view. + +When the subject was concluded, and there had come a lull, Colonel +Harvey, who was seated at Clemens's left, said: + +"Uncle Mark"--he often called him that--"Major Leigh handed me a report +of the year's sales just as I was leaving. It shows your royalty returns +this year to be very close to fifty thousand dollars. I don't believe +there is another such return from old books on record." + +This was said in an undertone, to Clemens only, but was overheard by one +or two of those who sat nearest. Clemens was not unwilling to repeat it +for the benefit of all, and did so. Howells said: + +"A statement like that arouses my basest passions. The books are no +good; it's just the advertising they get." + +Clemens said: "Yes, my contract compels the publisher to advertise. It +costs them two hundred dollars every time they leave the advertisement +out of the magazines." + +"And three hundred every time we put it in," said Harvey. "We often +debate whether it is more profitable to put in the advertisement or to +leave it out." + +The talk switched back to plays and acting. Thomas recalled an incident +of Beerbohm Tree's performance of "Hamlet." W. S. Gilbert, of +light-opera celebrity, was present at a performance, and when the play +ended Mrs. Tree hurried over to him and said: + +"Oh, Mr. Gilbert, what did you think of Mr. Tree's rendition of Hamlet?" +"Remarkable," said Gilbert. "Funny without being vulgar." + +It was with such idle tales and talk-play that the afternoon passed. Not +much of it all is left to me, but I remember Howells saying, "Did it ever +occur to you that the newspapers abolished hell? Well, they did--it was +never done by the church. There was a consensus of newspaper opinion +that the old hell with its lake of fire and brimstone was an antiquated +institution; in fact a dead letter." And again, "I was coming down +Broadway last night, and I stopped to look at one of the street-venders +selling those little toy fighting roosters. It was a bleak, desolate +evening; nobody was buying anything, and as he pulled the string and kept +those little roosters dancing and fighting his remarks grew more and more +cheerless and sardonic. + +"'Japanese game chickens,' he said; 'pretty toys, amuse the children with +their antics. Child of three can operate it. Take them home for +Christmas. Chicken-fight at your own fireside.' I tried to catch his eye +to show him that I understood his desolation and sorrow, but it was no +use. He went on dancing his toy chickens, and saying, over and over, +'Chicken-fight at your own fireside.'" + +The luncheon over, we wandered back into the drawing-room, and presently +all left but Colonel Harvey. Clemens and the Colonel went up to the +billiard-room and engaged in a game of cushion caroms, at twenty-five +cents a game. I was umpire and stakeholder, and it was a most +interesting occupation, for the series was close and a very cheerful one. +It ended the day much to Mark Twain's satisfaction, for he was oftenest +winner. That evening he said: + +"We will repeat that luncheon; we ought to repeat it once a month. +Howells will be gone, but we must have the others. We cannot have a +thing like that too often." + +There was, in fact, a second stag-luncheon very soon after, at which +George Riggs was present and that rare Irish musician, Denis O'Sullivan. +It was another choice afternoon, with a mystical quality which came of +the music made by O'Sullivan on some Hindu reeds-pipes of Pan. But we +shall have more of O'Sullivan presently--all too little, for his days +were few and fleeting. + +Howells could not get away just yet. Colonel Harvey, who, like James +Osgood, would not fail to find excuse for entertainment, chartered two +drawing-room cars, and with Mrs. Harvey took a party of fifty-five or +sixty congenial men and women to Lakewood for a good-by luncheon to +Howells. It was a day borrowed from June, warm and beautiful. + +The trip down was a sort of reception. Most of the guests were +acquainted, but many of them did not often meet. There was constant +visiting back and forth the full length of the two coaches. Denis +O'Sullivan was among the guests. He looked in the bloom of health, and +he had his pipes and played his mystic airs; then he brought out the +tin-whistle of Ireland, and blew such rollicking melodies as capering +fairies invented a long time ago. This was on the train going down. + +There was a brief program following the light-hearted feasting--an +informal program fitting to that sunny day. It opened with some +recitations by Miss Kitty Cheatham; then Colonel Harvey introduced +Howells, with mention of his coming journey. As a rule, Howells does not +enjoy speaking. He is willing to read an address on occasion, but he has +owned that the prospect of talking without his notes terrifies him. This +time, however, there was no reluctance, though he had prepared no speech. +He was among friends. He looked even happy when he got on his feet, and +he spoke like a happy man. He talked about Mark Twain. It was all +delicate, delicious chaffing which showed Howells at his very best--all +too short for his listeners. + +Clemens, replying, returned the chaff, and rambled amusingly among his +fancies, closing with a few beautiful words of "Godspeed and safe return" +to his old comrade and friend. + +Then once more came Denis and his pipes. No one will ever forget his +part of the program. The little samples we had heard on the train were +expanded and multiplied and elaborated in a way that fairly swept his +listeners out of themselves into that land where perhaps Denis himself +wanders playing now; for a month later, strong and lusty and beautiful as +he seemed that day, he suddenly vanished from among us and his reeds were +silent. It never occurred to us then that Denis could die; and as he +finished each melody and song there was a shout for a repetition, and I +think we could have sat there and let the days and years slip away +unheeded, for time is banished by music like that, and one wonders if it +might not even divert death. + +It was dark when we crossed the river homeward; the myriad lights from +heaven-climbing windows made an enchanted city in the sky. The evening, +like the day, was warm, and some of the party left the ferry-cabin to +lean over and watch the magic spectacle, the like of which is not to be +found elsewhere on the earth. + + + + +CCLXIV + +"CAPTAIN STORMFIELD" IN PRINT + +During the forty years or so that had elapsed since the publication of +the "Gates Ajar" and the perpetration of Mark Twain's intended burlesque, +built on Captain Ned Wakeman's dream, the Christian religion in its more +orthodox aspects had undergone some large modifications. It was no +longer regarded as dangerous to speak lightly of hell, or even to suggest +that the golden streets and jeweled architecture of the sky might be +regarded as symbols of hope rather than exhibits of actual bullion and +lapidary construction. Clemens re-read his extravaganza, Captain +Stormfields Visit to Heaven, gave it a modernizing touch here and there, +and handed it to his publishers, who must have agreed that it was no +longer dangerous, for it was promptly accepted and appeared in the +December and January numbers (1907-8) of Harper's Magazine, and was also +issued as a small book. If there were any readers who still found it +blasphemous, or even irreverent, they did not say so; the letters that +came--and they were a good many--expressed enjoyment and approval, also +(some of them) a good deal of satisfaction that Mark Twain "had returned +to his earlier form." + +The publication of this story recalled to Clemens's mind another heresy +somewhat similar which he had written during the winter of 1891 and 1892 +in Berlin. This was a dream of his own, in which he had set out on a +train with the evangelist Sam Jones and the Archbishop of Canterbury for +the other world. He had noticed that his ticket was to a different +destination than the Archbishop's, and so, when the prelate nodded and +finally went to sleep, he changed the tickets in their hats with +disturbing results. Clemens thought a good deal of this fancy when he +wrote it, and when Mrs. Clemens had refused to allow it to be printed he +had laboriously translated it into German, with some idea of publishing +it surreptitiously; but his conscience had been too much for him. He had +confessed, and even the German version had been suppressed. + +Clemens often allowed his fancy to play with the idea of the orthodox +heaven, its curiosities of architecture, and its employments of +continuous prayer, psalm-singing, and harpistry. + +"What a childish notion it was," he said, "and how curious that only a +little while ago human beings were so willing to accept such fragile +evidences about a place of so much importance. If we should find +somewhere to-day an ancient book containing an account of a beautiful and +blooming tropical Paradise secreted in the center of eternal icebergs--an +account written by men who did not even claim to have seen it themselves +--no geographical society on earth would take any stock in that book, yet +that account would be quite as authentic as any we have of heaven. If +God has such a place prepared for us, and really wanted us to know it, He +could have found some better way than a book so liable to alterations and +misinterpretation. God has had no trouble to prove to man the laws of +the constellations and the construction of the world, and such things as +that, none of which agree with His so-called book. As to a hereafter, we +have not the slightest evidence that there is any--no evidence that +appeals to logic and reason. I have never seen what to me seemed an atom +of proof that there is a future life." + +Then, after a long pause, he added: + +"And yet--I am strongly inclined to expect one." + + + + +CCLXV + +LOTOS CLUB HONORS + +It was on January 11, 1908, that Mark Twain was given his last great +banquet by the Lotos Club. The club was about to move again, into +splendid new quarters, and it wished to entertain him once more in its +old rooms. + +He wore white, and amid the throng of black-clad men was like a white +moth among a horde of beetles. The room fairly swarmed with them, and +they seemed likely to overwhelm him. + +President Lawrence was toast-master of the evening, and he ended his +customary address by introducing Robert Porter, who had been Mark Twain's +host at Oxford. Porter told something of the great Oxford week, and +ended by introducing Mark Twain. It had been expected that Clemens would +tell of his London experiences. Instead of doing this, he said he had +started a new kind of collection, a collection of compliments. He had +picked up a number of valuable ones abroad and some at home. He read +selections from them, and kept the company going with cheers and +merriment until just before the close of his speech. Then he repeated, +in his most impressive manner, that stately conclusion of his Liverpool +speech, and the room became still and the eyes of his hearers grew dim. +It may have been even more moving than when originally given, for now the +closing words, "homeward bound," had only the deeper meaning. + +Dr. John MacArthur followed with a speech that was as good a sermon as +any he ever delivered, and closed it by saying: + +"I do not want men to prepare for heaven, but to prepare to remain on +earth, and it is such men as Mark Twain who make other men not fit to +die, but fit to live." + +Andrew Carnegie also spoke, and Colonel Harvey, and as the speaking ended +Robert Porter stepped up behind Clemens and threw over his shoulders the +scarlet Oxford robe which had been surreptitiously brought, and placed +the mortar-board cap upon his head, while the diners vociferated their +approval. Clemens was quite calm. + +"I like this," he said, when the noise had subsided. "I like its +splendid color. I would dress that way all the time, if I dared." + +In the cab going home I mentioned the success of his speech, how well it +had been received. + +"Yes," he said; "but then I have the advantage of knowing now that I am +likely to be favorably received, whatever I say. I know that my +audiences are warm and responseful. It is an immense advantage to feel +that. There are cold places in almost every speech, and if your audience +notices them and becomes cool, you get a chill yourself in those zones, +and it is hard to warm up again. Perhaps there haven't been so many +lately; but I have been acquainted with them more than once." And then I +could not help remembering that deadly Whittier birthday speech of more +than thirty years before--that bleak, arctic experience from beginning to +end. + +"We have just time for four games," he said, as we reached the +billiard-room; but there was no sign of stopping when the four games were +over. We were winning alternately, and neither noted the time. I was +leaving by an early train, and was willing to play all night. The +milk-wagons were rattling outside when he said: + +"Well, perhaps we'd better quit now. It seems pretty early, though." I +looked at my watch. It was quarter to four, and we said good night. + + + + +CCLXVI + +A WINTER IN BERMUDA + +Edmund Clarence Stedman died suddenly at his desk, January 18, 1908, and +Clemens, in response to telegrams, sent this message: + +I do not wish to talk about it. He was a valued friend from days that +date back thirty-five years. His loss stuns me and unfits me to speak. + +He recalled the New England dinners which he used to attend, and where he +had often met Stedman. + +"Those were great affairs," he said. "They began early, and they ended +early. I used to go down from Hartford with the feeling that it wasn't +an all-night supper, and that it was going to be an enjoyable time. +Choate and Depew and Stedman were in their prime then--we were all young +men together. Their speeches were always worth listening to. Stedman +was a prominent figure there. There don't seem to be any such men now +--or any such occasions." + +Stedman was one of the last of the old literary group. Aldrich had died +the year before. Howells and Clemens were the lingering "last leaves." + +Clemens gave some further luncheon entertainments to his friends, and +added the feature of "doe" luncheons--pretty affairs where, with Clara +Clemens as hostess, were entertained a group of brilliant women, such as +Mrs. Kate Douglas Riggs, Geraldine Farrax, Mrs. Robert Collier, Mrs. +Frank Doubleday, and others. I cannot report those luncheons, for I was +not present, and the drift of the proceedings came to me later in too +fragmentary a form to be used as history; but I gathered from Clemens +himself that he had done all of the talking, and I think they must have +been very pleasant afternoons. Among the acknowledgments that followed +one of these affairs is this characteristic word-play from Mrs. Riggs: + + N. B.--A lady who is invited to and attends a doe luncheon is, of + course, a doe. The question is, if she attends two doe luncheons in + succession is she a doe-doe? If so is she extinct and can never + attend a third? + +Luncheons and billiards, however, failed to give sufficient brightness to +the dull winter days, or to insure him against an impending bronchial +attack, and toward the end of January he sailed away to Bermuda, where +skies were bluer and roadsides gay with bloom. His sojourn was brief +this time, but long enough to cure him, he said, and he came back full of +happiness. He had been driving about over the island with a newly +adopted granddaughter, little Margaret Blackmer, whom he had met one +morning in the hotel dining-room. A part of his dictated story will +convey here this pretty experience. + + My first day in Bermuda paid a dividend--in fact a double dividend: + it broke the back of my cold and it added a jewel to my collection. + As I entered the breakfast-room the first object I saw in that + spacious and far-reaching place was a little girl seated solitary at + a table for two. I bent down over her and patted her cheek and + said: + + "I don't seem to remember your name; what is it?" + + By the sparkle in her brown eyes it amused her. She said: + + "Why, you've never known it, Mr. Clemens, because you've never seen + me before." + + "Why, that is true, now that I come to think; it certainly is true, + and it must be one of the reasons why I have forgotten your name. + But I remember it now perfectly--it's Mary." + + She was amused again; amused beyond smiling; amused to a chuckle, + and she said: + + "Oh no, it isn't; it's Margaret." + + I feigned to be ashamed of my mistake and said: + + "Ah, well, I couldn't have made that mistake a few years ago; but I + am old, and one of age's earliest infirmities is a damaged memory; + but I am clearer now--clearer-headed--it all comes back to me just + as if it were yesterday. It's Margaret Holcomb." + + She was surprised into a laugh this time, the rippling laugh that a + happy brook makes when it breaks out of the shade into the sunshine, + and she said: + + "Oh, you are wrong again; you don't get anything right. It isn't + Holcomb, it's Blackmer." + + I was ashamed again, and confessed it; then: + + "How old are you, dear?" + + "Twelve; New-Year's. Twelve and a month." + + We were close comrades-inseparables, in fact-for eight days. Every + day we made pedestrian excursions--called them that anyway, and + honestly they were intended for that, and that is what they would + have been but for the persistent intrusion of a gray and grave and + rough-coated donkey by the name of Maud. Maud was four feet long; + she was mounted on four slender little stilts, and had ears that + doubled her altitude when she stood them up straight. Her tender + was a little bit of a cart with seat room for two in it, and you + could fall out of it without knowing it, it was so close to the + ground. This battery was in command of a nice, grave, dignified, + gentlefaced little black boy whose age was about twelve, and whose + name, for some reason or other, was Reginald. Reginald and Maud--I + shall not easily forget those names, nor the combination they stood + for. The trips going and coming were five or six miles, and it + generally took us three hours to make it. This was because Maud set + the pace. Whenever she detected an ascending grade she respected + it; she stopped and said with her ears: + + "This is getting unsatisfactory. We will camp here." + + The whole idea of these excursions was that Margaret and I should + employ them for the gathering of strength, by walking, yet we were + oftener in the cart than out of it. She drove and I superintended. + In the course of the first excursions I found a beautiful little + shell on the beach at Spanish Point; its hinge was old and dry, and + the two halves came apart in my hand. I gave one of them to + Margaret and said: + + "Now dear, sometime or other in the future I shall run across you + somewhere, and it may turn out that it is not you at all, but will + be some girl that only resembles you. I shall be saying to myself + 'I know that this is a Margaret by the look of her, but I don't know + for sure whether this is my Margaret or somebody else's'; but, no + matter, I can soon find out, for I shall take my half shell out of + my pocket and say, 'I think you are my Margaret, but I am not + certain; if you are my Margaret you can produce the other half of + this shell.'" + + Next morning when I entered the breakfast-room and saw the child I + approached and scanned her searchingly all over, then said, sadly: + + "No, I am mistaken; it looks like my Margaret,--but it isn't, and I + am so sorry. I shall go away and cry now." + + Her eyes danced triumphantly, and she cried out: + + "No, you don't have to. There!" and she fetched out the identifying + shell. + + I was beside myself with gratitude and joyful surprise, and revealed + it from every pore. The child could not have enjoyed this thrilling + little drama more if we had been playing it on the stage. Many + times afterward she played the chief part herself, pretending to be + in doubt as to my identity and challenging me to produce my half of + the shell. She was always hoping to catch me without it, but I + always defeated that game--wherefore she came to recognize at last + that I was not only old, but very smart. + +Sometimes, when they were not walking or driving, they sat on the +veranda, and he prepared history-lessons for little Margaret by making +grotesque figures on cards with numerous legs and arms and other +fantastic symbols end features to fix the length of some king's reign. +For William the Conqueror, for instance, who reigned twenty-one years, he +drew a figure of eleven legs and ten arms. It was the proper method of +impressing facts upon the mind of a child. It carried him back to those +days at Elmira when he had arranged for his own little girls the game of +kings. A Miss Wallace, a friend of Margaret's, and usually one of the +pedestrian party, has written a dainty book of those Bermudian days. +--[Mark Twain and the Happy Islands, by Elizabeth Wallace.] + +Miss Wallace says: + + Margaret felt for him the deep affection that children have for an + older person who understands them and treats them with respect. Mr. + Clemens never talked down to her, but considered her opinions with a + sweet dignity. + +There were some pretty sequels to the shell incident. After Mark Twain +had returned to New York, and Margaret was there, she called one day with +her mother, and sent up her card. He sent back word, saying: + + "I seem to remember the name; but if this is really the person whom + I think it is she can identify herself by a certain shell I once + gave her, of which I have the other half. If the two halves fit, I + shall know that this is the same little Margaret that I remember." + +The message went down, and the other half of the shell was promptly sent +up. Mark Twain had the two half-shells incised firmly in gold, and one +of these he wore on his watch-fob, and sent the other to Margaret. + +He afterward corresponded with Margaret, and once wrote her: + + I'm already making mistakes. When I was in New York, six weeks ago, + I was on a corner of Fifth Avenue and I saw a small girl--not a big + one--start across from the opposite corner, and I exclaimed to + myself joyfully, "That is certainly my Margaret!" so I rushed to + meet her. But as she came nearer I began to doubt, and said to + myself, "It's a Margaret--that is plain enough--but I'm afraid it is + somebody else's." So when I was passing her I held my shell so she + couldn't help but see it. Dear, she only glanced at it and passed + on! I wondered if she could have overlooked it. It seemed best to + find out; so I turned and followed and caught up with her, and said, + deferentially; "Dear Miss, I already know your first name by the + look of you, but would you mind telling me your other one?" She was + vexed and said pretty sharply, "It's Douglas, if you're so anxious + to know. I know your name by your looks, and I'd advise you to shut + yourself up with your pen and ink and write some more rubbish. I am + surprised that they allow you to run' at large. You are likely to + get run over by a baby-carriage any time. Run along now and don't + let the cows bite you." + + What an idea! There aren't any cows in Fifth Avenue. But I didn't + smile; I didn't let on to perceive how uncultured she was. She was + from the country, of course, and didn't know what a comical blunder. + she was making. + +Mr. Rogers's health was very poor that winter, and Clemens urged him to +try Bermuda, and offered to go back with him; so they sailed away to the +summer island, and though Margaret was gone, there was other entertaining +company--other granddaughters to be adopted, and new friends and old +friends, and diversions of many sorts. Mr. Rogers's son-in-law, William +Evarts Benjamin, came down and joined the little group. It was one of +Mark Twain's real holidays. Mr. Rogers's health improved rapidly, and +Mark Twain was in fine trim. To Mrs. Rogers, at the end of the first +week, he wrote: + + DEAR MRS. ROGERS, He is getting along splendidly! This was the very + place for him. He enjoys himself & is as quarrelsome as a cat. + + But he will get a backset if Benjamin goes home. Benjamin is the + brightest man in these regions, & the best company. Bright? He is + much more than that, he is brilliant. He keeps the crowd intensely + alive. + + With love & all good wishes. + S. L. C. + +Mark Twain and Henry Rogers were much together and much observed. They +were often referred to as "the King" and "the Rajah," and it was always a +question whether it was "the King" who took care of "the Rajah," or vice +versa. There was generally a group to gather around them, and Clemens +was sure of an attentive audience, whether he wanted to air his +philosophies, his views of the human race, or to read aloud from the +verses of Kipling. + +"I am not fond of all poetry," he would say; "but there's something in +Kipling that appeals to me. I guess he's just about my level." + +Miss Wallace recalls certain Kipling readings in his room, when his +friends gathered to listen. + + On those Kipling evenings the 'mise-en-scene' was a striking one. + The bare hotel room, the pine woodwork and pine furniture, loose + windows which rattled in the sea-wind. Once in a while a gust of + asthmatic music from the spiritless orchestra downstairs came up the + hallway. Yellow, unprotected gas-lights burned uncertainly, and + Mark Twain in the midst of this lay on his bed (there was no couch) + still in his white serge suit, with the light from the jet shining + down on the crown of his silver hair, making it gleam and glisten + like frosted threads. + +In one hand he held his book, in the other he had his pipe, which he used +principally to gesture with in the most dramatic passages. + +Margaret's small successors became the earliest members of the Angel Fish +Club, which Clemens concluded to organize after a visit to the +spectacular Bermuda aquarium. The pretty angel-fish suggested youth and +feminine beauty to him, and his adopted granddaughters became angel-fish +to him from that time forward. He bought little enamel angel-fish pins, +and carried a number of them with him most of the time, so that he could +create membership on short notice. It was just another of the harmless +and happy diversions of his gentler side. He was always fond of youth +and freshness. He regarded the decrepitude of old age as an unnecessary +part of life. Often he said: + +"If I had been helping the Almighty when, He created man, I would have +had Him begin at the other end, and start human beings with old age. How +much better it would have been to start old and have all the bitterness +and blindness of age in the beginning! One would not mind then if he +were looking forward to a joyful youth. Think of the joyous prospect of +growing young instead of old! Think of looking forward to eighteen +instead of eighty! Yes, the Almighty made a poor job of it. I wish He +had invited my assistance." + +To one of the angel fish he wrote, just after his return: + + I miss you, dear. I miss Bermuda, too, but not so much as I miss + you; for you were rare, and occasional and select, and Ltd.; whereas + Bermuda's charms and, graciousnesses were free and common and + unrestricted--like the rain, you know, which falls upon the just and + the unjust alike; a thing which would not happen if I were + superintending the rain's affairs. No, I would rain softly and + sweetly upon the just, but whenever I caught a sample of the unjust + outdoors I would drown him. + + + + +CCLXVII + +VIEWS AND ADDRESSES + + [As I am beginning this chapter, April 16, 1912, the news comes of + the loss, on her first trip, of the great White Star Line steamer + Titanic, with the destruction of many passengers, among whom are + Frank D. Millet, William T. Stead, Isadore Straus, John Jacob Astor, + and other distinguished men. They died as heroes, remaining with + the ship in order that the women and children might be saved. + + It was the kind of death Frank Millet would have wished to die. + He was always a soldier--a knight. He has appeared from time to + time in these pages, for he was a dear friend of the Clemens + household. One of America's foremost painters; at the time of his + death he was head of the American Academy of Arts in Rome.] + +Mark Twain made a number of addresses during the spring of 1908. He spoke +at the Cartoonists' dinner, very soon after his return from Bermuda; he +spoke at the Booksellers' banquet, expressing his debt of obligation to +those who had published and sold his books; he delivered a fine address +at the dinner given by the British Schools and University Club at +Delmonico's, May 25th, in honor of Queen Victoria's birthday. In that +speech he paid high tribute to the Queen for her attitude toward America, +during the crisis of the Civil Wax, and to her royal consort, Prince +Albert. + + What she did for us in America in our time of storm and stress we + shall not forget, and whenever we call it to mind we shall always + gratefully remember the wise and righteous mind that guided her in + it and sustained and supported her--Prince Albert's. We need not + talk any idle talk here to-night about either possible or impossible + war between two countries; there will be no war while we remain sane + and the son of Victoria and Albert sits upon the throne. In + conclusion, I believe I may justly claim to utter the voice of my + country in saying that we hold him in deep honor, and also in + cordially wishing him a long life and a happy reign. + +But perhaps his most impressive appearance was at the dedication of the +great City College (May 14, 1908), where President John Finley, who had +been struggling along with insufficient room, was to have space at last +for his freer and fuller educational undertakings. A great number of +honored scholars, statesmen, and diplomats assembled on the college +campus, a spacious open court surrounded by stately college architecture +of medieval design. These distinguished guests were clad in their +academic robes, and the procession could not have been widely different +from that one at Oxford of a year before. But there was something rather +fearsome about it, too. A kind of scaffolding had been reared in the +center of the campus for the ceremonies; and when those grave men in +their robes of state stood grouped upon it the picture was strikingly +suggestive of one of George Cruikshank's drawings of an execution scene +at the Tower of London. Many of the robes were black--these would be the +priests--and the few scarlet ones would be the cardinals who might have +assembled for some royal martyrdom. There was a bright May sunlight over +it all, one of those still, cool brightnesses which served to heighten +the weird effect. I am sure that others felt it besides myself, for +everybody seemed wordless and awed, even at times when there was no +occasion for silence. There was something of another age about the whole +setting, to say the least. + +We left the place in a motor-car, a crowd of boys following after. As +Clemens got in they gathered around the car and gave the college yell, +ending with "Twain! Twain! Twain!" and added three cheers for Tom +Sawyer, Huck Finn, and Pudd'nhead Wilson. They called for a speech, but +he only said a few words in apology for not granting their request. He +made a speech to them that night at the Waldorf--where he proposed for +the City College a chair of citizenship, an idea which met with hearty +applause. + +In the same address he referred to the "God Trust" motto on the coins, +and spoke approvingly of the President's order for its removal. + + We do not trust in God, in the important matters of life, and not + even a minister of the Gospel will take any coin for a cent more + than its accepted value because of that motto. If cholera should + ever reach these shores we should probably pray to be delivered from + the plague, but we would put our main trust in the Board of Health. + +Next morning, commenting on the report of this speech, he said: + +"If only the reporters would not try to improve on what I say. They seem +to miss the fact that the very art of saying a thing effectively is in +its delicacy, and as they can't reproduce the manner and intonation in +type they make it emphatic and clumsy in trying to convey it to the +reader." + +I pleaded that the reporters were often young men, eager, and unmellowed +in their sense of literary art. + +"Yes," he agreed, "they are so afraid their readers won't see my good +points that they set up red flags to mark them and beat a gong. They +mean well, but I wish they wouldn't do it." + +He referred to the portion of his speech concerning the motto on the +coins. He had freely expressed similar sentiments on other public +occasions, and he had received a letter criticizing him for saying that +we do not really trust in God in any financial matter. + +"I wanted to answer it," he said; "but I destroyed it. It didn't seem +worth noticing." + +I asked how the motto had originated. + +"About 1853 some idiot in Congress wanted to announce to the world that +this was a religious nation, and proposed putting it there, and no other +Congressman had courage enough to oppose it, of course. It took courage +in those days to do a thing like that; but I think the same thing would +happen to-day." + +"Still the country has become broader. It took a brave man before the +Civil War to confess he had read the 'Age of Reason'." + +"So it did, and yet that seems a mild book now. I read it first when I +was a cub pilot, read it with fear and hesitation, but marveling at its +fearlessness and wonderful power. I read it again a year or two ago, for +some reason, and was amazed to see how tame it had become. It seemed +that Paine was apologizing everywhere for hurting the feelings of the +reader." + +He drifted, naturally, into a discussion of the Knickerbocker Trust +Company's suspension, which had tied up some fifty-five thousand dollars +of his capital, and wondered how many were trusting in God for the return +of these imperiled sums. Clemens himself, at this time, did not expect +to come out whole from that disaster. He had said very little when the +news came, though it meant that his immediate fortunes were locked up, +and it came near stopping the building activities at Redding. It was +only the smaller things of life that irritated him. He often met large +calamities with a serenity which almost resembled indifference. In the +Knickerbocker situation he even found humor as time passed, and wrote a +number of gay letters, some of which found their way into print. + +It should be added that in the end there was no loss to any of the +Knickerbocker depositors. + + + + +CCLXVIII + +REDDING + +The building of the new home at Redding had been going steadily forward +for something more than a year. John Mead Howells had made the plans; W. +W. Sunderland and his son Philip, of Danbury, Connecticut, were the +builders, and in the absence of Miss Clemens, then on a concert tour, +Mark Twain's secretary, Miss I. V. Lyon, had superintended the +furnishing. + +"Innocence at Home," as the place was originally named, was to be ready +for its occupant in June, with every detail in place, as he desired. He +had never visited Redding; he had scarcely even glanced at the plans or +discussed any of the decorations of the new home. He had required only +that there should be one great living-room for the orchestrelle, and +another big room for the billiard-table, with plenty of accommodations +for guests. He had required that the billiard-room be red, for something +in his nature answered to the warm luxury of that color, particularly in +moments of diversion. Besides, his other billiard-rooms had been red, +and such association may not be lightly disregarded. His one other +requirement was that the place should be complete. + +"I don't want to see it," he said, "until the cat is purring on the +hearth." + +Howells says: + +"He had grown so weary of change, and so indifferent to it, that he was +without interest." + +But it was rather, I think, that he was afraid of losing interest by +becoming wearied with details which were likely to exasperate him; also, +he wanted the dramatic surprise of walking into a home that had been +conjured into existence as with a word. + +It was expected that the move would be made early in the month; but there +were delays, and it was not until the 18th of June that he took +possession. + +The plan, at this time, was only to use the Redding place as a summer +residence, and the Fifth Avenue house was not dismantled. A few days +before the 18th the servants, with one exception, were taken up to the +new house, Clemens and myself remaining in the loneliness of No. 21, +attending to the letters in the morning and playing billiards the rest of +the time, waiting for the appointed day and train. It was really a +pleasant three days. He invented a new game, and we were riotous and +laughed as loudly as we pleased. I think he talked very little of the +new home which he was so soon to see. It was referred to no oftener than +once or twice a day, and then I believe only in connection with certain +of the billiard-room arrangements. I have wondered since what picture of +it he could have had in his mind, for he had never seen a photograph. He +had a general idea that it was built upon a hill, and that its +architecture was of the Italian villa order. I confess I had moments of +anxiety, for I had selected the land for him, and had been more or less +accessory otherwise. I did not really worry, for I knew how beautiful +and peaceful it all was; also something of his taste and needs. + +It had been a dry spring, and country roads were dusty, so that those who +were responsible had been praying for rain, to be followed by a pleasant +day for his arrival. Both petitions were granted; June 18th would fall +on Thursday, and Monday night there came a good, thorough, and refreshing +shower that washed the vegetation clean and laid the dust. The morning +of the 18th was bright and sunny and cool. Clemens was up and shaved by +six o'clock in order to be in time, though the train did not leave until +four in the afternoon--an express newly timed to stop at Redding--its +first trip scheduled for the day of Mark Twain's arrival. + +We were still playing billiards when word was brought up that the cab was +waiting. My daughter, Louise, whose school on Long Island had closed +that day, was with us. Clemens wore his white flannels and a Panama hat, +and at the station a group quickly collected, reporters and others, to +interview him and speed him to his new home. He was cordial and +talkative, and quite evidently full of pleasant anticipation. A reporter +or two and a special photographer came along, to be present at his +arrival. + +The new, quick train, the green, flying landscape, with glimpses of the +Sound and white sails, the hillsides and clear streams becoming rapidly +steeper and dearer as we turned northward: all seemed to gratify him, and +when he spoke at all it was approvingly. The hour and a half required to +cover the sixty miles of distance seemed very short. As the train slowed +down for the Redding station, he said: + +"We'll leave this box of candy"--he had bought a large box on the way +--"those colored porters sometimes like candy, and we can get some more." + +He drew out a great handful of silver. + +"Give them something--give everybody liberally that does any service." + +There was a sort of open-air reception in waiting. Redding had +recognized the occasion as historic. A varied assemblage of vehicles +festooned with flowers had gathered to offer a gallant country welcome. + +It was now a little before six o'clock of that long June day, still and +dreamlike; and to the people assembled there may have been something +which was not quite reality in the scene. There was a tendency to be +very still. They nodded, waved their hands to him, smiled, and looked +their fill; but a spell lay upon them, and they did not cheer. It would +have been a pity if they had done so. A noise, and the illusion would +have been shattered. + +His carriage led away on the three-mile drive to the house on the +hilltop, and the floral turnout fell in behind. No first impression of a +fair land could have come at a sweeter time. Hillsides were green, +fields were white with daisies, dog-wood and laurel shone among the +trees. And over all was the blue sky, and everywhere the fragrance of +June. + +He was very quiet as we drove along. Once with gentle humor, looking +over a white daisy field, he said: + +"That is buckwheat. I always recognize buckwheat when I see it. I wish +I knew as much about other things as I know about buckwheat. It seems to +be very plentiful here; it even grows by the roadside." And a little +later: "This is the kind of a road I like; a good country road through +the woods." + +The water was flowing over the mill-dam where the road crosses the +Saugatuck, and he expressed approval of that clear, picturesque little +river, one of those charming Connecticut streams. A little farther on a +brook cascaded down the hillside, and he compared it with some of the +tiny streams of Switzerland, I believe the Giessbach. The lane that led +to the new home opened just above, and as he entered the leafy way he +said, "This is just the kind of a lane I like," thus completing his +acceptance of everything but the house and the location. + +The last of the procession had dropped away at the entrance of the lane, +and he was alone with those who had most anxiety for his verdict. They +had not long to wait. As the carriage ascended higher to the open view +he looked away, across the Saugatuck Valley to the nestling village and +church-spire and farm-houses, and to the distant hills, and declared the +land to be a good land and beautiful--a spot to satisfy one's soul. Then +came the house--simple and severe in its architecture--an Italian villa, +such as he had known in Florence, adapted now to American climate and +needs. The scars of building had not all healed yet, but close to the +house waved green grass and blooming flowers that might have been there +always. Neither did the house itself look new. The soft, gray stucco +had taken on a tone that melted into the sky and foliage of its +background. At the entrance his domestic staff waited to greet him, and +then he stepped across the threshold into the wide hall and stood in his +own home for the first time in seventeen years. It was an anxious +moment, and no one spoke immediately. But presently his eye had taken in +the satisfying harmony of the place and followed on through the wide +doors that led to the dining-room--on through the open French windows to +an enchanting vista of tree-tops and distant farmside and blue hills. He +said, very gently: + +"How beautiful it all is? I did not think it could be as beautiful as +this." + +He was taken through the rooms; the great living-room at one end of the +hall--a room on the walls of which there was no picture, but only +color-harmony--and at the other end of the hall, the splendid, glowing +billiard-room, where hung all the pictures in which he took delight. Then +to the floor above, with its spacious apartments and a continuation of +color--welcome and concord, the windows open to the pleasant evening +hills. When he had seen it all--the natural Italian garden below the +terraces; the loggia, whose arches framed landscape vistas and formed a +rare picture-gallery; when he had completed the round and stood in the +billiard-room--his especial domain--once more he said, as a final +verdict: + +"It is a perfect house--perfect, so far as I can see, in every detail. It +might have been here always." + +He was at home there from that moment--absolutely, marvelously at home, +for he fitted the setting perfectly, and there was not a hitch or flaw in +his adaptation. To see him over the billiard-table, five minutes later, +one could easily fancy that Mark Twain, as well as the house, had "been +there always." Only the presence of his daughters was needed now to +complete his satisfaction in everything. + +There were guests that first evening--a small home dinner-party--and so +perfect were the appointments and service, that one not knowing would +scarcely have imagined it to be the first dinner served in that lovely +room. A little later; at the foot of the garden of bay and cedar, +neighbors, inspired by Dan Beard, who had recently located near by, set +off some fireworks. Clemens stepped out on the terrace and saw rockets +climbing through the summer sky to announce his arrival. + +"I wonder why they all go to so much trouble for me," he said, softly. "I +never go to any trouble for anybody"--a statement which all who heard it, +and all his multitude of readers in every land, stood ready to deny. + +That first evening closed with billiards--boisterous, triumphant +billiards--and when with midnight the day ended and the cues were set in +the rack, there was none to say that Mark Twain's first day in his new +home had not been a happy one. + + + + +CCLXIX + +FIRST DAYS AT STORMFIELD + +I went up next afternoon, for I knew how he dreaded loneliness. We +played billiards for a time, then set out for a walk, following the long +drive to the leafy lane that led to my own property. Presently he said: + +"In one way I am sorry I did not see this place sooner. I never want to +leave it again. If I had known it was so beautiful I should have vacated +the house in town and moved up here permanently." + +I suggested that he could still do so, if he chose, and he entered +immediately into the idea. By and by we turned down a deserted road, +grassy and beautiful, that ran along his land. At one side was a slope +facing the west, and dotted with the slender, cypress-like cedars of New +England. He had asked if that were part of his land, and on being told +it was he said: + +"I would like Howells to have a house there. We must try to give that to +Howells." + +At the foot of the hill we came to a brook and followed it into a meadow. +I told him that I had often caught fine trout there, and that soon I +would bring in some for breakfast. He answered: + +"Yes, I should like that. I don't care to catch them any more myself. I +like them very hot." + +We passed through some woods and came out near my own ancient little +house. He noticed it and said: + +"The man who built that had some memory of Greece in his mind when he put +on that little porch with those columns." + +My second daughter, Frances, was coming from a distant school on the +evening train, and the carriage was starting just then to bring her. I +suggested that perhaps he would find it pleasant to make the drive. + +"Yes," he agreed, "I should enjoy that." + +So I took the reins, and he picked up little Joy, who came running out +just then, and climbed into the back seat. It was another beautiful +evening, and he was in a talkative humor. Joy pointed out a small turtle +in the road, and he said: + +"That is a wild turtle. Do you think you could teach it arithmetic?" + +Joy was uncertain. + +"Well," he went on, "you ought to get an arithmetic--a little ten-cent +arithmetic--and teach that turtle." + +We passed some swampy woods, rather dim and junglelike. + +"Those," he said, "are elephant woods." + +But Joy answered: + +"They are fairy woods. The fairies are there, but you can't see them +because they wear magic cloaks." + +He said: "I wish I had one of those magic cloaks, sometimes. I had one +once, but it is worn out now." + +Joy looked at him reverently, as one who had once been the owner of a +piece of fairyland. + +It was a sweet drive to and from the village. There are none too many +such evenings in a lifetime. Colonel Harvey's little daughter, Dorothy, +came up a day or two later, and with my daughter Louise spent the first +week with him in the new home. They were created "Angel-Fishes"--the +first in the new aquarium; that is to say, the billiard-room, where he +followed out the idea by hanging a row of colored prints of Bermuda +fishes in a sort of frieze around the walls. Each visiting member was +required to select one as her particular patron fish and he wrote her +name upon it. It was his delight to gather his juvenile guests in this +room and teach them the science of billiard angles; but it was so +difficult to resist taking the cue and making plays himself that he was +required to stand on a little platform and give instruction just out of +reach. His snowy flannels and gleaming white hair, against those rich +red walls, with those small, summer-clad players, made a pretty picture. + +The place did not retain its original name. He declared that it would +always be "Innocence at Home" to the angel-fish visitors, but that the +title didn't remain continuously appropriate. The money which he had +derived from Captain Stormfield's Visit to Heaven had been used to build +the loggia wing, and he considered the name of "Stormfield" as a +substitute. When, presently, the summer storms gathered on that +rock-bound, open hill, with its wide reaches of vine and shrub-wild, +fierce storms that bent the birch and cedar, and strained at the bay and +huckleberry, with lightning and turbulent wind and thunder, followed by +the charging rain--the name seemed to become peculiarly appropriate. +Standing with his head bared to the tumult, his white hair tossing in the +blast, and looking out upon the wide splendor of the spectacle, he +rechristened the place, and "Stormfield" it became and remained. + +The last day of Mark Twain's first week in Redding, June 25th, was +saddened by the news of the death of Grover Cleveland at his home in +Princeton, New Jersey. Clemens had always been an ardent Cleveland +admirer, and to Mrs. Cleveland now he sent this word of condolence-- + + Your husband was a man I knew and loved and honored for twenty-five + years. I mourn with you. + +And once during the evening he said: + +"He was one of our two or three real Presidents. There is none to take +his place." + + + + +CCLXX + +THE ALDRICH MEMORIAL + +At the end of June came the dedication at Portsmouth, New Hampshire, of +the Thomas Bailey Aldrich Memorial Museum, which the poet's wife had +established there in the old Aldrich homestead. It was hot weather. We +were obliged to take a rather poor train from South Norwalk, and Clemens +was silent and gloomy most of the way to Boston. Once there, however, +lodged in a cool and comfortable hotel, matters improved. He had brought +along for reading the old copy of Sir Thomas Malory's Arthur Tales, and +after dinner he took off his clothes and climbed into bed and sat up and +read aloud from those stately legends, with comments that I wish I could +remember now, only stopping at last when overpowered with sleep. + +We went on a special train to Portsmouth next morning through the summer +heat, and assembled, with those who were to speak, in the back portion of +the opera-house, behind the scenes: Clemens was genial and good-natured +with all the discomfort of it; and he liked to fancy, with Howells, who +had come over from Kittery Point, how Aldrich must be amused at the whole +circumstance if he could see them punishing themselves to do honor to his +memory. Richard Watson Gilder was there, and Hamilton Mabie; also +Governor Floyd of New Hampshire; Colonel Higginson, Robert Bridges, and +other distinguished men. We got to the more open atmosphere of the stage +presently, and the exercises began. Clemens was last on the program. + +The others had all said handsome, serious things, and Clemens himself had +mentally prepared something of the sort; but when his turn came, and he +rose to speak, a sudden reaction must have set in, for he delivered an +address that certainly would have delighted Aldrich living, and must have +delighted him dead, if he could hear it. It was full of the most +charming humor, delicate, refreshing, and spontaneous. The audience, +that had been maintaining a proper gravity throughout, showed its +appreciation in ripples of merriment that grew presently into genuine +waves of laughter. He spoke out his regret for having worn black +clothes. It was a mistake, he said, to consider this a solemn time +--Aldrich would not have wished it to be so considered. He had been a +man who loved humor and brightness and wit, and had helped to make life +merry and delightful. Certainly, if he could know, he would not wish +this dedication of his own home to be a lugubrious, smileless occasion. +Outside, when the services were ended, the venerable juvenile writer, J. +T. Trowbridge, came up to Clemens with extended hand. Clemens said: +"Trowbridge, are you still alive? You must be a thousand years old. Why, +I listened to your stories while I was being rocked in the cradle." +Trowbridge said: + +"Mark, there's some mistake. My earliest infant smile was wakened with +one of your jokes." + +They stood side by side against a fence in the blazing sun and were +photographed--an interesting picture. + +We returned to Boston that evening. Clemens did not wish to hurry in the +summer heat, and we remained another day quietly sight-seeing, and +driving around and around Commonwealth Avenue in a victoria in the cool +of the evening. Once, remembering Aldrich, he said: + +"I was just planning Tom Sawyer when he was beginning the 'Story of a Bad +Boy'. When I heard that he was writing that I thought of giving up mine, +but Aldrich insisted that it would be a foolish thing to do. He thought +my Missouri boy could not by any chance conflict with his boy of New +England, and of course he was right." + +He spoke of how great literary minds usually came along in company. He +said: + +"Now and then, on the stream of time, small gobs of that thing which we +call genius drift down, and a few of these lodge at some particular +point, and others collect about them and make a sort of intellectual +island--a towhead, as they say on the river--such an accumulation of +intellect we call a group, or school, and name it. + +"Thirty years ago there was the Cambridge group. Now there's been still +another, which included Aldrich and Howells and Stedman and Cable. It +will soon be gone. I suppose they will have to name it by and by." + +He pointed out houses here and there of people he had known and visited +in other days. The driver was very anxious to go farther, to other and +more distinguished sights. Clemens mildly but firmly refused any +variation of the program, and so we kept on driving around and around the +shaded loop of Beacon Street until dusk fell and the lights began to +twinkle among the trees. + + + + +CCLXXI + +DEATH OF "SAM" MOFFETT + +Clemens' next absence from Redding came on August 1, 1908, when the +sudden and shocking news was received of the drowning of his nephew, +Samuel E. Moffett, in the surf of the Jersey shore. Moffett was his +nearest male relative, and a man of fine intellect and talents. He was +superior in those qualities which men love--he was large-minded and +large-hearted, and of noble ideals. With much of the same sense of humor +which had made his uncle's fame, he had what was really an abnormal +faculty of acquiring and retaining encyclopedic data. Once as a child he +had visited Hartford when Clemens was laboring over his history game. The +boy was much interested, and asked permission to help. His uncle +willingly consented, and referred him to the library for his facts. But +he did not need to consult the books; he already had English history +stored away, and knew where to find every detail of it. At the time of +his death Moffett held an important editorial position on Collier's +Weekly. + +Clemens was fond and proud of his nephew. Returning from the funeral, he +was much depressed, and a day or two later became really ill. He was in +bed for a few days, resting, he said, after the intense heat of the +journey. Then he was about again and proposed billiards as a diversion. +We were all alone one very still, warm August afternoon playing, when he +suddenly said: + +"I feel a little dizzy; I will sit down a moment." + +I brought him a glass of water and he seemed to recover, but when he rose +and started to play I thought he had a dazed look. He said: + +"I have lost my memory. I don't know which is my ball. I don't know +what game we are playing." + +But immediately this condition passed, and we thought little of it, +considering it merely a phase of biliousness due to his recent journey. I +have been told since, by eminent practitioners, that it was the first +indication of a more serious malady. + +He became apparently quite himself again and showed his usual vigor-light +of step and movement, able to skip up and down stairs as heretofore. In +a letter to Mrs. Crane, August 12th, he spoke of recent happenings: + + DEAR AUNT SUE,--It was a most moving, a most heartbreaking sight, + the spectacle of that stunned & crushed & inconsolable family. I + came back here in bad shape, & had a bilious collapse, but I am all + right again, though the doctor from New York has given peremptory + orders that I am not to stir from here before frost. O fortunate + Sam Moffett! fortunate Livy Clemens! doubly fortunate Susy! Those + swords go through & through my heart, but there is never a moment + that I am not glad, for the sake of the dead, that they have + escaped. + + How Livy would love this place! How her very soul would steep + itself thankfully in this peace, this tranquillity, this deep + stillness, this dreamy expanse of woodsy hill & valley! You must + come, Aunt Sue, & stay with us a real good visit. Since June 26 we + have had 21 guests, & they have all liked it and said they would + come again. + +To Howells, on the same day, he wrote: + + Won't you & Mrs. Howells & Mildred come & give us as many days as + you can spare & examine John's triumph? It is the most satisfactory + house I am acquainted with, & the most satisfactorily situated . . + . . I have dismissed my stenographer, & have entered upon a + holiday whose other end is the cemetery. + + + + +CCLXXII + +STORMFIELD ADVENTURES + +Clemens had fully decided, by this time, to live the year round in the +retirement at Stormfield, and the house at 21 Fifth Avenue was being +dismantled. He had also, as he said, given up his dictations for the +time, at least, after continuing them, with more or less regularity, for +a period of two and a half years, during which he had piled up about half +a million words of comment and reminiscence. His general idea had been +to add portions of this matter to his earlier books as the copyrights +expired, to give them new life and interest, and he felt that he had +plenty now for any such purpose. + +He gave his time mainly to his guests, his billiards, and his reading, +though of course he could not keep from writing on this subject and that +as the fancy moved him, and a drawer in one of his dressers began to +accumulate fresh though usually fragmentary manuscripts. . . He read the +daily paper, but he no longer took the keen, restless interest in public +affairs. New York politics did not concern him any more, and national +politics not much. When the Evening Post wrote him concerning the +advisability of renominating Governor Hughes he replied: + + If you had asked me two months ago my answer would have been prompt + & loud & strong: yes, I want Governor Hughes renominated. But it is + too late, & my mouth is closed. I have become a citizen & taxpayer + of Connecticut, & could not now, without impertinence, meddle in + matters which are none of my business. I could not do it with + impertinence without trespassing on the monopoly of another. + +Howells speaks of Mark Twain's "absolute content" with his new home, and +these are the proper words' to express it. He was like a storm-beaten +ship that had drifted at last into a serene South Sea haven. + +The days began and ended in tranquillity. There were no special morning +regulations: One could have his breakfast at any time and at almost any +place. He could have it in bed if he liked, or in the loggia or +livingroom, or billiard-room. He might even have it in the diningroom, +or on the terrace, just outside. Guests--there were usually guests +--might suit their convenience in this matter--also as to the forenoons. +The afternoon brought games--that is, billiards, provided the guest knew +billiards, otherwise hearts. Those two games were his safety-valves, and +while there were no printed requirements relating to them the unwritten +code of Stormfield provided that guests, of whatever age or previous +faith, should engage in one or both of these diversions. + +Clemens, who usually spent his forenoon in bed with his reading and his +letters, came to the green table of skill and chance eager for the onset; +if the fates were kindly, he approved of them openly. If not--well, the +fates were old enough to know better, and, as heretofore, had to take the +consequences. Sometimes, when the weather was fine and there were no +games (this was likely to be on Sunday afternoons), there were drives +among the hills and along the Saugatuck through the Bedding Glen. + +The cat was always "purring on the hearth" at Stormfield--several cats +--for Mark Twain's fondness for this clean, intelligent domestic animal +remained, to the end, one of his happiest characteristics. There were +never too many cats at Stormfield, and the "hearth" included the entire +house, even the billiard-table. When, as was likely to happen at any +time during the game, the kittens Sinbad, or Danbury, or Billiards would +decide to hop up and play with the balls, or sit in the pockets and grab +at them as they went by, the game simply added this element of chance, +and the uninvited player was not disturbed. The cats really owned +Stormfield; any one could tell that from their deportment. Mark Twain +held the title deeds; but it was Danbury and Sinbad and the others that +possessed the premises. They occupied any portion of the house or its +furnishings at will, and they never failed to attract attention. Mark +Twain might be preoccupied and indifferent to the comings and goings of +other members of the household; but no matter what he was doing, let +Danbury appear in the offing and he was observed and greeted with due +deference, and complimented and made comfortable. Clemens would arise +from the table and carry certain choice food out on the terrace to +Tammany, and be satisfied with almost no acknowledgment by way of +appreciation. One could not imagine any home of Mark Twain where the +cats were not supreme. In the evening, as at 21 Fifth Avenue, there was +music--the stately measures of the orchestrelle--while Mark Twain smoked +and mingled unusual speculation with long, long backward dreams. + +It was three months from the day of arrival in Redding that some guests +came to Stormfield without invitation--two burglars, who were carrying +off some bundles of silver when they were discovered. Claude, the +butler, fired a pistol after them to hasten their departure, and Clemens, +wakened by the shots, thought the family was opening champagne and went +to sleep again. + +It was far in the night; but neighbor H. A. Lounsbury and Deputy-Sheriff +Banks were notified, and by morning the thieves were captured, though +only after a pretty desperate encounter, during which the officer +received a bullet-wound. Lounsbury and a Stormfield guest had tracked +them in the dark with a lantern to Bethel, a distance of some seven +miles. The thieves, also their pursuers, had boarded the train there. +Sheriff Banks was waiting at the West Redding station when the train came +down, and there the capture was made. It was a remarkably prompt and +shrewd piece of work. Clemens gave credit for its success chiefly to +Lounsbury, whose talents in many fields always impressed him. The +thieves were taken to the Redding Town Hall for a preliminary healing. +Subsequently they received severe sentences. + +Clemens tacked this notice on his front door: + + NOTICE + + TO THE NEXT BURGLAR + + There is nothing but plated ware in this house now and henceforth. + + You will find it in that brass thing in the dining-room over in the + corner by the basket of kittens. + + If you want the basket put the kittens in the brass thing. Do not + make a noise--it disturbs the family. + + You will find rubbers in the front hall by that thing which has the + umbrellas in it, chiffonnier, I think they call it, or pergola, or + something like that. + + Please close the door when you go away! + + Very truly yours, + S. L. CLEMENS. + + + + +CCLXXIII + +STORMFIELD PHILOSOPHIES + +Now came the tranquil days of the Connecticut autumn. The change of the +landscape colors was a constant delight to Mark Twain. There were +several large windows in his room, and he called them his +picture-gallery. The window-panes were small, and each formed a separate +picture of its own that was changing almost hourly. The red tones that +began to run through the foliage; the red berry bushes; the fading grass, +and the little touches of sparkling frost that came every now and then at +early morning; the background of distant blue hills and changing +skies-these things gave his gallery a multitude of variation that no +art-museums could furnish. He loved it all, and he loved to walk out in +it, pacing up and down the terrace, or the long path that led to the +pergola at the foot of a natural garden. If a friend came, he was +willing to walk much farther; and we often descended the hill in one +direction or another, though usually going toward the "gorge," a romantic +spot where a clear brook found its way through a deep and rather +dangerous-looking chasm. Once he was persuaded to descend into this +fairy-like place, for it was well worth exploring; but his footing was no +longer sure and he did not go far. + +He liked better to sit on the grass-grown, rocky arch above and look down +into it, and let his talk follow his mood. He liked to contemplate the +geology of his surroundings, the record of the ageless periods of +construction required to build the world. The marvels of science always +appealed to him. He reveled in the thought of the almost limitless +stretches of time, the millions upon millions of years that had been +required for this stratum and that--he liked to amaze himself with the +sounding figures. I remember him expressing a wish to see the Grand +Canon of Arizona, where, on perpendicular walls six thousand feet high, +the long story of geological creation is written. I had stopped there +during my Western trip of the previous year, and I told him something of +its wonders. I urged him to see them for himself, offering to go with +him. He said: + +"I should enjoy that; but the railroad journey is so far and I should +have no peace. The papers would get hold of it, and I would have to make +speeches and be interviewed, and I never want to do any of those things +again." + +I suggested that the railroads would probably be glad to place a private +car at his service, so that he might travel in comfort; but he shook his +head. + +"That would only make me more conspicuous." + +"How about a disguise?" + +"Yes," he said, "I might put on a red wig and false whiskers and change +my name, but I couldn't disguise my drawling speech and they'd find me +out." + +It was amusing, but it was rather sad, too. His fame had deprived him of +valued privileges. + +He talked of many things during these little excursions. Once he told +how he had successively advised his nephew, Moffett, in the matter of +obtaining a desirable position. Moffett had wanted to become a reporter. +Clemens devised a characteristic scheme. He said: + +"I will get you a place on any newspaper you may select if you promise +faithfully to follow out my instructions." + +The applicant agreed, eagerly enough. Clemens said: + +"Go to the newspaper of your choice. Say that you are idle and want +work, that you are pining for work--longing for it, and that you ask no +wages, and will support yourself. All that you ask is work. That you +will do anything, sweep, fill the inkstands, mucilage-bottles, run +errands, and be generally useful. You must never ask for wages. You +must wait until the offer of wages comes to you. You must work just as +faithfully and just as eagerly as if you were being paid for it. Then +see what happens." + +The scheme had worked perfectly. Young Moffett had followed his +instructions to the letter. By and by he attracted attention. He was +employed in a variety of ways that earned him the gratitude and the +confidence of the office. In obedience to further instructions, he began +to make short, brief, unadorned notices of small news matters that came +under his eye and laid them on the city editor's desk. No pay was asked; +none was expected. Occasionally one of the items was used. Then, of +course, it happened, as it must sooner or later at a busy time, that he +was given a small news assignment. There was no trouble about his +progress after that. He had won the confidence of the management and +shown that he was not afraid to work. + +The plan had been variously tried since, Clemens said, and he could not +remember any case in which it had failed. The idea may have grown out of +his own pilot apprenticeship on the river, when cub pilots not only +received no salary, but paid for the privilege of learning. + +Clemens discussed public matters less often than formerly, but they were +not altogether out of his mind. He thought our republic was in a fair +way to become a monarchy--that the signs were already evident. He +referred to the letter which he had written so long ago in Boston, with +its amusing fancy of the Archbishop of Dublin and his Grace of Ponkapog, +and declared that, after all, it contained something of prophecy.--[See +chap. xcvii; also Appendix M.]--He would not live to see the actual +monarchy, he said, but it was coming. + +"I'm not expecting it in my time nor in my children's time, though it may +be sooner than we think. There are two special reasons for it and one +condition. The first reason is, that it is in the nature of man to want +a definite something to love, honor, reverently look up to and obey; a +God and King, for example. The second reason is, that while little +republics have lasted long, protected by their poverty and +insignificance, great ones have not. And the condition is, vast power +and wealth, which breed commercial and political corruptions, and incite +public favorites to dangerous ambitions." + +He repeated what I had heard him say before, that in one sense we already +had a monarchy; that is to say, a ruling public and political aristocracy +which could create a Presidential succession. He did not say these +things bitterly now, but reflectively and rather indifferently. + +He was inclined to speak unhopefully of the international plans for +universal peace, which were being agitated rather persistently. + +"The gospel of peace," he said, "is always making a deal of noise, always +rejoicing in its progress but always neglecting to furnish statistics. +There are no peaceful nations now. All Christendom is a soldier-camp. +The poor have been taxed in some nations to the starvation point to +support the giant armaments which Christian governments have built up, +each to protect itself from the rest of the Christian brotherhood, and +incidentally to snatch any scrap of real estate left exposed by a weaker +owner. King Leopold II. of Belgium, the most intensely Christian +monarch, except Alexander VI., that has escaped hell thus far, has stolen +an entire kingdom in Africa, and in fourteen years of Christian endeavor +there has reduced the population from thirty millions to fifteen by +murder and mutilation and overwork, confiscating the labor of the +helpless natives, and giving them nothing in return but salvation and a +home in heaven, furnished at the last moment by the Christian priest. + +"Within the last generation each Christian power has turned the bulk of +its attention to finding out newer and still newer and more and more +effective ways of killing Christians, and, incidentally, a pagan now and +then; and the surest way to get rich quickly in Christ's earthly kingdom +is to invent a kind of gun that can kill more Christians at one shot than +any other existing kind. All the Christian nations are at it. The more +advanced they are, the bigger and more destructive engines of war they +create." + +Once, speaking of battles great and small, and how important even a small +battle must seem to a soldier who had fought in no other, he said: + +"To him it is a mighty achievement, an achievement with a big A, when to +a wax-worn veteran it would be a mere incident. For instance, to the +soldier of one battle, San Juan Hill was an Achievement with an A as big +as the Pyramids of Cheops; whereas, if Napoleon had fought it, he would +have set it down on his cuff at the time to keep from forgetting it had +happened. But that is all natural and human enough. We are all like +that." + +The curiosities and absurdities of religious superstitions never failed +to furnish him with themes more or less amusing. I remember one Sunday, +when he walked down to have luncheon at my house, he sat under the shade +and fell to talking of Herod's slaughter of the innocents, which he said +could not have happened. + +"Tacitus makes no mention of it," he said, "and he would hardly have +overlooked a sweeping order like that, issued by a petty ruler like +Herod. Just consider a little king of a corner of the Roman Empire +ordering the slaughter of the first-born of a lot of Roman subjects. Why, +the Emperor would have reached out that long arm of his and dismissed +Herod. That tradition is probably about as authentic as those connected +with a number of old bridges in Europe which are said to have been built +by Satan. The inhabitants used to go to Satan to build bridges for them, +promising him the soul of the first one that crossed the bridge; then, +when Satan had the bridge done, they would send over a rooster or a +jackass--a cheap jackass; that was for Satan, and of course they could +fool him that way every time. Satan must have been pretty simple, even +according to the New Testament, or he wouldn't have led Christ up on a +high mountain and offered him the world if he would fall down and worship +him. That was a manifestly absurd proposition, because Christ, as the +Son of God, already owned the world; and, besides, what Satan showed him +was only a few rocky acres of Palestine. It is just as if some one +should try to buy Rockefeller, the owner of all the Standard Oil Company, +with a gallon of kerosene." + +He often spoke of the unseen forces of creation, the immutable laws that +hold the planet in exact course and bring the years and the seasons +always exactly on schedule time. "The Great Law" was a phrase often on +his lips. The exquisite foliage, the cloud shapes, the varieties of +color everywhere: these were for him outward manifestations of the Great +Law, whose principle I understood to be unity--exact relations throughout +all nature; and in this I failed to find any suggestion of pessimism, but +only of justice. Once he wrote on a card for preservation: + + From everlasting to everlasting, this is the law: the sum of wrong & + misery shall always keep exact step with the sum of human + blessedness. + + No "civilization," no "advance," has ever modified these proportions + by even the shadow of a shade, nor ever can, while our race endures. + + + + +CCLXIV + +CITIZEN AND FARMER + +The procession of guests at Stormfield continued pretty steadily. Clemens +kept a book in which visitors set down their names and the dates of +arrival and departure, and when they failed to attend to these matters he +diligently did it himself after they were gone. + +Members of the Harper Company came up with their wives; "angel-fish" swam +in and out of the aquarium; Bermuda friends came to see the new home; +Robert Collier, the publisher, and his wife--"Mrs. Sally," as Clemens +liked to call her--paid their visits; Lord Northcliffe, who was visiting +America, came with Colonel Harvey, and was so impressed with the +architecture of Stormfield that he adopted its plans for a country-place +he was about to build in Newfoundland. Helen Keller, with Mr. and Mrs. +Macy, came up for a week-end visit. Mrs. Crane came over from Elmira; +and, behold! one day came the long-ago sweetheart of his childhood, +little Laura Hawkins--Laura Frazer now, widowed and in the seventies, +with a granddaughter already a young lady quite grown up. + +That Mark Twain was not wearying of the new conditions we may gather from +a letter written to Mrs. Rogers in October: + + I've grown young in these months of dissipation here. And I have + left off drinking--it isn't necessary now. Society & theology are + sufficient for me. + +To Helen Allen, a Bermuda "Angel-Fish," he wrote: + + We have good times here in this soundless solitude on the hilltop. + The moment I saw the house I was glad I built it, & now I am gladder + & gladder all the time. I was not dreaming of living here except in + the summer-time--that was before I saw this region & the house, you + see--but that is all changed now; I shall stay here winter & summer + both & not go back to New York at all. My child, it's as tranquil & + contenting as Bermuda. You will be very welcome here, dear. + +He interested himself in the affairs and in the people of Redding. Not +long after his arrival he had gathered in all the inhabitants of the +country-side, neighbors of every quality, for closer acquaintance, and +threw open to them for inspection every part of the new house. He +appointed Mrs. Lounsbury, whose acquaintance was very wide; a sort of +committee on reception, and stood at the entrance with her to welcome +each visitor in person. + +It was a sort of gala day, and the rooms and the grounds were filled with +the visitors. In the dining-room there were generous refreshments. +Again, not long afterward, he issued a special invitation to all of +those-architects, builders, and workmen who had taken any part, however +great or small, in the building of his home. Mr. and Mrs. Littleton were +visiting Stormfield at this time, and both Clemens and Littleton spoke to +these assembled guests from the terrace, and made them feel that their +efforts had been worth while. + +Presently the idea developed to establish something that would be of +benefit to his neighbors, especially to those who did not have access to +much reading-matter. He had been for years flooded with books by authors +and publishers, and there was a heavy surplus at his home in the city. +When these began to arrive he had a large number of volumes set aside as +the nucleus of a public library. An unused chapel not far away--it could +be seen from one of his windows--was obtained for the purpose; officers +were elected; a librarian was appointed, and so the Mark Twain Library of +Redding was duly established. Clemens himself was elected its first +president, with the resident physician, Dr. Ernest H. Smith, +vice-president, and another resident, William E. Grumman, librarian. On +the afternoon of its opening the president made a brief address. He +said: + + I am here to speak a few instructive words to my fellow-farmers. + I suppose you are all farmers: I am going to put in a crop next + year, when I have been here long enough and know how. I couldn't + make a turnip stay on a tree now after I had grown it. I like to + talk. It would take more than the Redding air to make me keep + still, and I like to instruct people. It's noble to be good, and + it's nobler to teach others to be good, and less trouble. I am glad + to help this library. We get our morals from books. I didn't get + mine from books, but I know that morals do come from books + --theoretically at least. Mr. Beard or Mr. Adams will give some + land, and by and by we are going to have a building of our own. + +This statement was news to both Mr. Beard and Mr. Adams and an +inspiration of the moment; but Mr. Theodore Adams, who owned a most +desirable site, did in fact promptly resolve to donate it for library +purposes. Clemens continued: + + I am going to help build that library with contributions from my + visitors. Every male guest who comes to my house will have to + contribute a dollar or go away without his baggage. + + --[A characteristic notice to guests requiring them to contribute a + dollar to the Library Building Fund was later placed on the + billiard-room mantel at Stormfield with good results.]--If those + burglars that broke into my house recently had done that they would + have been happier now, or if they'd have broken into this library + they would have read a few books and led a better life. Now they + are in jail, and if they keep on they will go to Congress. When a + person starts downhill you can never tell where he's going to stop. + I am sorry for those burglars. They got nothing that they wanted + and scared away most of my servants. Now we are putting in a + burglar-alarm instead of a dog. Some advised the dog, but it costs + even more to entertain a dog than a burglar. I am having the ground + electrified, so that for a mile around any one who puts his foot + across the line sets off an alarm that will be heard in Europe. Now + I will introduce the real president to you, a man whom you know + already--Dr. Smith. + +So a new and important benefit was conferred upon the community, and +there was a feeling that Redding, besides having a literary colony, was +to be literary in fact. + +It might have been mentioned earlier that Redding already had literary +associations when Mark Twain arrived. As far back as Revolutionary days +Joel Barlow, a poet of distinction, and once Minister to France, had been +a resident of Redding, and there were still Barlow descendants in the +township. + +William Edgar Grumman, the librarian, had written the story of Redding's +share in the Revolutionary War--no small share, for Gen. Israel Putnam's +army had been quartered there during at least one long, trying winter. +Charles Burr Todd, of one of the oldest Redding families, himself--still +a resident, was also the author of a Redding history. + +Of literary folk not native to Redding, Dora Reed Goodale and her sister +Elaine, the wife of Dr. Charles A. Eastman, had, long been residents of +Redding Center; Jeanette L. Gilder and Ida M. Tarbell had summer homes on +Redding Ridge; Dan Beard, as already mentioned, owned a place near the +banks of the Saugatuck, while Kate V. St. Maur, also two of Nathaniel +Hawthorne's granddaughters had recently located adjoining the Stormfield +lands. By which it will be seen that Redding was in no way unsuitable as +a home for Mark Twain. + + + + +CCLXV + +A MANTEL AND A BABY ELEPHANT + +Mark Twain was the receiver of two notable presents that year. The first +of these, a mantel from Hawaii, presented to him by the Hawaiian +Promotion Committee, was set in place in the billiard-room on the morning +of his seventy-third birthday. This committee had written, proposing to +build for his new home either a mantel or a chair, as he might prefer, +the same to be carved from the native woods. Clemens decided on a +billiard-room mantel, and John Howells forwarded the proper measurements. +So, in due time, the mantel arrived, a beautiful piece of work and in +fine condition, with the Hawaiian word, "Aloha," one of the sweetest +forms of greeting in any tongue, carved as its central ornament. + +To the donors of the gift Clemens wrote: + + The beautiful mantel was put in its place an hour ago, & its + friendly "Aloha" was the first uttered greeting received on my 73d + birthday. It is rich in color, rich in quality, & rich in + decoration; therefore it exactly harmonized with the taste for such + things which was born in me & which I have seldom been able to + indulge to my content. It will be a great pleasure to me, daily + renewed, to have under my eye this lovely reminder of the loveliest + fleet of islands that lies anchored in any ocean, & I beg to thank + the committee for providing me that pleasure. + +To F. N. Otremba, who had carved the mantel, he sent this word: + + I am grateful to you for the valued compliment to me in the labor of + heart and hand and brain which you have put upon it. It is worthy + of the choicest place in the house and it has it. + +It was the second beautiful mantel in Stormfield--the Hartford library +mantel, removed when that house was sold, having been installed in the +Stormfield living-room. + +Altogether the seventy-third birthday was a pleasant one. Clemens, in +the morning, drove down to see the library lot which Mr. Theodore Adams +had presented, and the rest of the day there were fine, close billiard +games, during which he was in the gentlest and happiest moods. He +recalled the games of two years before, and as we stopped playing I said: + +"I hope a year from now we shall be here, still playing the great game." + +And he answered, as then: + +"Yes, it is a great game--the best game on earth." And he held out his +hand and thanked me for coming, as he never failed to do when we parted, +though it always hurt me a little, for the debt was so largely mine. + +Mark Twain's second present came at Christmas-time. About ten days +earlier, a letter came from Robert J. Collier, saying that he had bought +a baby elephant which he intended to present to Mark Twain as a Christmas +gift. He added that it would be sent as soon as he could get a car for +it, and the loan of a keeper from Barnum & Bailey's headquarters at +Bridgeport. + +The news created a disturbance in Stormfield. One could not refuse, +discourteously and abruptly, a costly present like that; but it seemed a +disaster to accept it. An elephant would require a roomy and warm place, +also a variety of attention which Stormfield was not prepared to supply. +The telephone was set going and certain timid excuses were offered by the +secretary. There was no good place to put an elephant in Stormfield, but +Mr. Collier said, quite confidently: + +"Oh, put him in the garage." + +"But there's no heat in the garage." + +"Well, put him in the loggia, then. That's closed in, isn't it, for the +winter? Plenty of sunlight--just the place for a young elephant." + +"But we play cards in the loggia. We use it for a sort of sun-parlor." + +"But that wouldn't matter. He's a kindly, playful little thing. He'll +be just like a kitten. I'll send the man up to look over the place and +tell you just how to take care of him, and I'll send up several bales of +hay in advance. It isn't a large elephant, you know: just a little one +--a regular plaything." + +There was nothing further to be done; only to wait and dread until the +Christmas present's arrival. + +A few days before Christmas ten bales of hay arrived and several bushels +of carrots. This store of provender aroused no enthusiasm at Stormfield. +It would seem there was no escape now. + +On Christmas morning Mr. Lounsbury telephoned up that there was a man at +the station who said he was an elephant-trainer from Barnum & Bailey's, +sent by Mr. Collier to look at the elephant's quarters and get him +settled when he should arrive. Orders were given to bring the man over. +The day of doom was at hand. + +But Lounsbury's detective instinct came once more into play. He had seen +a good many elephant-trainers at Bridgeport, and he thought this one had +a doubtful look. + +"Where is the elephant?" he asked, as they drove along. + +"He will arrive at noon." + +"Where are you going to put him?" + +"In the loggia." + +"How big is he?" + +"About the size of a cow." + +"How long have you been with Barnum and Bailey?" + +"Six years." + +"Then you must know some friends of mine" (naming two that had no +existence until that moment). + +"Oh yes, indeed. I know them well." + +Lounsbury didn't say any more just then, but he had a feeling that +perhaps the dread at Stormfield had grown unnecessarily large. Something +told him that this man seemed rather more like a butler, or a valet, than +an elephant-trainer. They drove to Stormfield, and the trainer looked +over the place. It would do perfectly, he said. He gave a few +instructions as to the care of this new household feature, and was driven +back to the station to bring it. + +Lounsbury came back by and by, bringing the elephant but not the trainer. +It didn't need a trainer. It was a beautiful specimen, with soft, smooth +coat and handsome trappings, perfectly quiet, well-behaved and small +--suited to the loggia, as Collier had said--for it was only two feet +long and beautifully made of cloth and cotton--one of the forest toy +elephants ever seen anywhere. + +It was a good joke, such as Mark Twain loved--a carefully prepared, +harmless bit of foolery. He wrote Robert Collier, threatening him with +all sorts of revenge, declaring that the elephant was devastating +Stormfield. + +"To send an elephant in a trance, under pretense that it was dead or +stuffed!" he said. "The animal came to life, as you knew it would, and +began to observe Christmas, and we now have no furniture left and no +servants and no visitors, no friends, no photographs, no burglars +--nothing but the elephant. Be kind, be merciful, be generous; take him +away and send us what is left of the earthquake." + +Collier wrote that he thought it unkind of him to look a gift-elephant in +the trunk. And with such chaffing and gaiety the year came to an end. + + + + +CCLXXVI + +SHAKESPEARE-BACON TALK + +When the bad weather came there was not much company at Stormfield, and I +went up regularly each afternoon, for it was lonely on that bleak hill, +and after his forenoon of reading or writing he craved diversion. My own +home was a little more than a half mile away, and I enjoyed the walk, +whatever the weather. I usually managed to arrive about three o'clock. +He would watch from his high windows until he saw me raise the hilltop, +and he would be at the door when I arrived, so that there might be no +delay in getting at the games. Or, if it happened that he wished to show +me something in his room, I would hear his rich voice sounding down the +stair. Once, when I arrived, I heard him calling, and going up I found +him highly pleased with the arrangement of two pictures on a chair, +placed so that the glasses of them reflected the sunlight on the ceiling. +He said: + +"They seem to catch the reflection of the sky and the winter colors. +Sometimes the hues are wonderfully iridescent." + +He pointed to a bunch of wild red berries on the mantel with the sun on +them. + +"How beautifully they light up!" he said; "some of them in the sunlight, +some still in the shadow." + +He walked to the window and stood looking out on the somber fields. + +"The lights and colors are always changing there," he said. "I never +tire of it." + +To see him then so full of the interest and delight of the moment, one +might easily believe he had never known tragedy and shipwreck. More than +any one I ever knew, he lived in the present. Most of us are either +dreaming of the past or anticipating the future--forever beating the +dirge of yesterday or the tattoo of to-morrow. Mark Twain's step was +timed to the march of the moment. There were days when he recalled the +past and grieved over it, and when he speculated concerning the future; +but his greater interest was always of the now, and of the particular +locality where he found it. The thing which caught his fancy, however +slight or however important, possessed him fully for the time, even if +never afterward. + +He was especially interested that winter in the Shakespeare-Bacon +problem. He had long been unable to believe that the actor-manager from +Stratford had written those great plays, and now a book just published, +'The Shakespeare Problem Restated', by George Greenwood, and another one +in press, 'Some Characteristic Signatures of Francis Bacon', by William +Stone Booth, had added the last touch of conviction that Francis Bacon, +and Bacon only, had written the Shakespeare dramas. I was ardently +opposed to this idea. The romance of the boy, Will Shakespeare, who had +come up to London and began, by holding horses outside of the theater, +and ended by winning the proudest place in the world of letters, was +something I did not wish to let perish. I produced all the stock +testimony--Ben Jonson's sonnet, the internal evidence of the plays +themselves, the actors who had published them--but he refused to accept +any of it. He declared that there was not a single proof to show that +Shakespeare had written one of them. + +"Is there any evidence that he didn't?" I asked. + +"There's evidence that he couldn't," he said. "It required a man with +the fullest legal equipment to have written them. When you have read +Greenwood's book you will see how untenable is any argument for +Shakespeare's authorship." + +I was willing to concede something, and offered a compromise. + +"Perhaps," I said, "Shakespeare was the Belasoo of that day--the +managerial genius, unable to write plays himself, but with the supreme +gift of making effective drama from the plays of others. In that case it +is not unlikely that the plays would be known as Shakespeare's. Even in +this day John Luther Long's 'Madam Butterfly' is sometimes called +Belasco's play; though it is doubtful if Belasco ever wrote a line of +it." + +He considered this view, but not very favorably. The Booth book was at +this time a secret, and he had not told me anything concerning it; but he +had it in his mind when he said, with an air of the greatest conviction: + +"I know that Shakespeare did not write those plays, and I have reason to +believe he did not touch the text in any way." + +"How can you be so positive?" I asked. + +He replied: + +"I have private knowledge from a source that cannot be questioned." + +I now suspected that he was joking, and asked if he had been consulting a +spiritual medium; but he was clearly in earnest. + +"It is the great discovery of the age," he said, quite seriously. "The +world will soon ring with it. I wish I could tell you about it, but I +have passed my word. You will not have long to wait." + +I was going to sail for the Mediterranean in February, and I asked if it +would be likely that I would know this great secret before I sailed. He +thought not; but he said that more than likely the startling news would +be given to the world while I was on the water, and it might come to me +on the ship by wireless. I confess I was amazed and intensely curious by +this time. I conjectured the discovery of some document--some Bacon or +Shakespeare private paper which dispelled all the mystery of the +authorship. I hinted that he might write me a letter which I could open +on the ship; but he was firm in his refusal. He had passed his word, he +repeated, and the news might not be given out as soon as that; but he +assured me more than once that wherever I might be, in whatever remote +locality, it would come by cable, and the world would quake with it. I +was tempted to give up my trip, to be with him at Stormfield at the time +of the upheaval. + +Naturally the Shakespeare theme was uppermost during the remaining days +that we were together. He had engaged another stenographer, and was now +dictating, forenoons, his own views on the subject--views coordinated +with those of Mr. Greenwood, whom he liberally quoted, but embellished +and decorated in his own gay manner. These were chapters for his +autobiography, he said, and I think he had then no intention of making a +book of them. I could not quite see why he should take all this +argumentary trouble if he had, as he said, positive evidence that Bacon, +and not Shakespeare, had written the plays. I thought the whole matter +very curious. + +The Shakespeare interest had diverging by-paths. One evening, when we +were alone at dinner, he said: + +"There is only one other illustrious man in history about whom there is +so little known," and he added, "Jesus Christ." + +He reviewed the statements of the Gospels concerning Christ, though he +declared them to be mainly traditional and of no value. I agreed that +they contained confusing statements, and inflicted more or less with +justice and reason; but I said I thought there was truth in them, too. + +"Why do you think so?" he asked. + +"Because they contain matters that are self-evident--things eternally and +essentially just." + +"Then you make your own Bible?" + +"Yes, from those materials combined with human reason." + +"Then it does not matter where the truth, as you call it, comes from?" + +I admitted that the source did not matter; that truth from Shakespeare, +Epictetus, or Aristotle was quite as valuable as from the Scriptures. We +were on common ground now. He mentioned Marcus Aurelius, the Stoics, and +their blameless lives. I, still pursuing the thought of Jesus, asked: + +"Do you not think it strange that in that day when Christ came, admitting +that there was a Christ, such a character could have come at all--in the +time of the Pharisees and the Sadducees, when all was ceremony and +unbelief?" + +"I remember," he said, "the Sadducees didn't believe in hell. He brought +them one." + +"Nor the resurrection. He brought them that, also." + +He did not admit that there had been a Christ with the character and +mission related by the Gospels. + +"It is all a myth," he said. "There have been Saviours in every age of +the world. It is all just a fairy tale, like the idea of Santa Claus." + +"But," I argued, "even the spirit of Christmas is real when it is +genuine. Suppose that we admit there was no physical Saviour--that it is +only an idea--a spiritual embodiment which humanity has made for itself +and is willing to improve upon as its own spirituality improves, wouldn't +that make it worthy?" + +"But then the fairy story of the atonement dissolves, and with it +crumbles the very foundations of any established church. You can create +your own Testament, your own Scripture, and your own Christ, but you've +got to give up your atonement." + +"As related to the crucifixion, yes, and good riddance to it; but the +death of the old order and the growth of spirituality comes to a sort of +atonement, doesn't it?" + +He said: + +"A conclusion like that has about as much to do with the Gospels and +Christianity as Shakespeare had to do with Bacon's plays. You are +preaching a doctrine that would have sent a man to the stake a few +centuries ago. I have preached that in my own Gospel." + +I remembered then, and realized that, by my own clumsy ladder, I had +merely mounted from dogma, and superstition to his platform of training +the ideals to a higher contentment of soul. + + + + +CCLXXVII + +"IS SHAKESPEARE DEAD?" + +I set out on my long journey with much reluctance. However, a series of +guests with various diversions had been planned, and it seemed a good +time to go. Clemens gave me letters of introduction, and bade me +Godspeed. It would be near the end of April before I should see him +again. + +Now and then on the ship, and in the course of my travels, I remembered +the great news I was to hear concerning Shakespeare. In Cairo, at +Shepheard's, I looked eagerly through English newspapers, expecting any +moment to come upon great head-lines; but I was always disappointed. Even +on the return voyage there was no one I could find who had heard any +particular Shakespeare news. + +Arriving in New York, I found that Clemens himself had published his +Shakespeare dictations in a little volume of his own, entitled, 'Is +Shakespeare Dead?' The title certainly suggested spiritistic matters, +and I got a volume at Harpers', and read it going up on the train, hoping +to find somewhere in it a solution of the great mystery. But it was only +matter I had already known; the secret was still unrevealed. + +At Redding I lost not much time in getting up to Stormfield. There had +been changes in my absence. Clara Clemens had returned from her travels, +and Jean, whose health seemed improved, was coming home to be her +father's secretary. He was greatly pleased with these things, and +declared he was going to have a home once more with his children about +him. + +He was quite alone that day, and we walked up and down the great +living-room for an hour, perhaps, while he discussed his new plans. For +one thing, he had incorporated his pen-name, Mark Twain, in order that +the protection of his copyrights and the conduct of his literary business +in general should not require his personal attention. He seemed to find +a relief in this, as he always did in dismissing any kind of +responsibility. When we went in for billiards I spoke of his book, which +I had read on the way up, and of the great Shakespearian secret which was +to astonish the world. Then he told me that the matter had been delayed, +but that he was no longer required to suppress it; that the revelation +was in the form of a book--a book which revealed conclusively to any one +who would take the trouble to follow the directions that the acrostic +name of Francis Bacon in a great variety of forms ran through many +--probably through all of the so-called Shakespeare plays. He said it +was far and away beyond anything of the kind ever published; that +Ignatius Donnelly and others had merely glimpsed the truth, but that the +author of this book, William Stone Booth, had demonstrated, beyond any +doubt or question, that the Bacon signatures were there. The book would +be issued in a few days, he said. He had seen a set of proofs of it, and +while it had not been published in the best way to clearly demonstrate +its great revelation, it must settle the matter with every reasoning +mind. He confessed that his faculties had been more or less defeated in, +attempting to follow the ciphers, and he complained bitterly that the +evidence had not been set forth so that he who merely skims a book might +grasp it. + +He had failed on the acrostics at first; but more recently he had +understood the rule, and had been able to work out several Bacon +signatures. He complimented me by saying that he felt sure that when the +book came I would have no trouble with it. + +Without going further with this matter, I may say here that the book +arrived presently, and between us we did work out a considerable number +of the claimed acrostics by following the rules laid down. It was +certainly an interesting if not wholly convincing occupation, and it +would be a difficult task for any one to prove that the ciphers are not +there. Just why this pretentious volume created so little agitation it +would be hard to say. Certainly it did not cause any great upheaval in +the literary world, and the name of William Shakespeare still continues +to be printed on the title-page of those marvelous dramas so long +associated with his name. + +Mark Twain's own book on the subject--'Is Shakespeare Dead?'--found a +wide acceptance, and probably convinced as many readers. It contained no +new arguments; but it gave a convincing touch to the old ones, and it was +certainly readable.--[Mark Twain had the fullest conviction as to the +Bacon authorship of the Shakespeare plays. One evening, with Mr. Edward +Loomis, we attended a fine performance of "Romeo and Juliet" given by +Sothern and Marlowe. At the close of one splendid scene he said, quite +earnestly, "That is about the best play that Lord Bacon ever wrote."] + +Among the visitors who had come to Stormfield was Howells. Clemens had +called a meeting of the Human Race Club, but only Howells was able to +attend. We will let him tell of his visit: + + We got on very well without the absentees, after finding them in the + wrong, as usual, and the visit was like those I used to have with + him so many years before in Hartford, but there was not the old + ferment of subjects. Many things had been discussed and put away + for good, but we had our old fondness for nature and for each other, + who were so differently parts of it. He showed his absolute content + with his house, and that was the greater pleasure for me because it + was my son who designed it. The architect had been so fortunate as + to be able to plan it where a natural avenue of savins, the close- + knit, slender, cypress-like cedars of New England, led away from the + rear of the villa to the little level of a pergola, meant some day + to be wreathed and roofed with vines. But in the early spring days + all the landscape was in the beautiful nakedness of the Northern + winter. It opened in the surpassing loveliness of wooded and + meadowed uplands, under skies that were the first days blue, and the + last gray over a rainy and then a snowy floor. We walked up and + down, up and down, between the villa terrace and the pergola, and + talked with the melancholy amusement, the sad tolerance of age for + the sort of men and things that used to excite us or enrage us; now + we were far past turbulence or anger. Once we took a walk together + across the yellow pastures to a chasmal creek on his grounds, where + the ice still knit the clayey banks together like crystal mosses; + and the stream far down clashed through and over the stones and the + shards of ice. Clemens pointed out the scenery he had bought to + give himself elbowroom, and showed me the lot he was going to have + me build on. The next day we came again with the geologist he had + asked up to Stormfield to analyze its rocks. Truly he loved the + place . . . . + + My visit at Stormfield came to an end with tender relucting on his + part and on mine. Every morning before I dressed I heard him + sounding my name through the house for the fun of it and I know for + the fondness, and if I looked out of my door there he was in his + long nightgown swaying up and down the corridor, and wagging his + great white head like a boy that leaves his bed and comes out in the + hope of frolic with some one. The last morning a soft sugar-snow + had fallen and was falling, and I drove through it down to the + station in the carriage which had been given him by his wife's + father when they were first married, and had been kept all those + intervening years in honorable retirement for this final use.--[This + carriage--a finely built coup--had been presented to Mrs. Crane when + the Hartford house was closed. When Stormfield was built she + returned it to its original owner.]--Its springs had not grown + yielding with time, it had rather the stiffness and severity of age; + but for him it must have swung low like the sweet chariot of the + negro "spiritual" which I heard him sing with such fervor when those + wonderful hymns of the slaves began to make their way northward. + +Howells's visit resulted in a new inspiration. Clemens started to write +him one night when he could not sleep, and had been reading the volume of +letters of James Russell Lowell. Then, next morning, he was seized with +the notion of writing a series of letters to such friends as Howells, +Twichell, and Rogers--letters not to be mailed, but to be laid away for +some future public. He wrote two of these immediately--to Howells and to +Twichell. The Howells letter (or letters, for it was really double) is +both pathetic and amusing. The first part ran: + 3 in the morning, April 17, 1909. + + My pen has gone dry and the ink is out of reach. Howells, did you + write me day-before-day-before yesterday or did I dream it? In my + mind's eye I most vividly see your hand-write on a square blue + envelope in the mail-pile. I have hunted the house over, but there + is no such letter. Was it an illusion? + + I am reading Lowell's letters & smoking. I woke an hour ago & am + reading to keep from wasting the time. On page 305, Vol. I, I have + just margined a note: + + "Young friend! I like that! You ought to see him now." + + It seemed startlingly strange to hear a person call you young. It + was a brick out of a blue sky, & knocked me groggy for a moment. Ah + me, the pathos of it is that we were young then. And he--why, so + was he, but he didn't know it. He didn't even know it 9 years + later, when we saw him approaching and you warned me, saying: + + "Don't say anything about age--he has just turned 50 & thinks he is + old, & broods over it." + + Well, Clara did sing! And you wrote her a dear letter. + + Time to go to sleep. + + Yours ever, + MARK + +The second letter, begun at 10 A.M., outlines the plan by which he is to +write on the subject uppermost in his mind without restraint, knowing +that the letter is not to be mailed. + + . . .The scheme furnishes a definite target for each letter, & you + can choose the target that's going to be the most sympathetic for + what you are hungering & thirsting to say at that particular moment. + And you can talk with a quite unallowable frankness & freedom + because you are not going to send the letter. When you are on fire + with theology you'll not write it to Rogers, who wouldn't be an + inspiration; you'll write it to Twichell, because it will make him + writhe and squirm & break the furniture. When you are on fire with + a good thing that's indecent you won't waste it on Twichell; you'll + save it for Howells, who will love it. As he will never see it you + can make it really indecenter than he could stand; & so no harm is + done, yet a vast advantage is gained. + +The letter was not finished, and the scheme perished there. The Twichell +letter concerned missionaries, and added nothing to what he had already +said on the subject. + +He wrote no letter to Mr. Rogers--perhaps never wrote to him again. + + + + +CCLXXVIII + +THE DEATH OF HENRY ROGERS + +Clemens, a little before my return, had been on a trip to Norfolk, +Virginia, to attend the opening ceremonies of the Virginia Railway. He +had made a speech on that occasion, in which he had paid a public tribute +to Henry Rogers, and told something of his personal obligation to the +financier. + +He began by telling what Mr. Rogers had done for Helen Keller, whom he +called "the most marvelous person of her sex that has existed on this +earth since Joan of Arc." Then he said: + + That is not all Mr. Rogers has done, but you never see that side of + his character because it is never protruding; but he lends a helping + hand daily out of that generous heart of his. You never hear of it. + He is supposed to be a moon which has one side dark and the other + bright. But the other side, though you don't see it, is not dark; + it is bright, and its rays penetrate, and others do see it who are + not God. + I would take this opportunity to tell something that I have never + been allowed to tell by Mr. Rogers, either by my mouth or in print, + and if I don't look at him I can tell it now. + + In 1894, when the publishing company of Charles L. Webster, of which + I was financial agent, failed, it left me heavily in debt. If you + will remember what commerce was at that time you will recall that + you could not sell anything, and could not buy anything, and I was + on my back; my books were not worth anything at all, and I could not + give away my copyrights. Mr. Rogers had long-enough vision ahead to + say, "Your books have supported you before, and after the panic is + over they will support you again," and that was a correct + proposition. He saved my copyrights, and saved me from financial + ruin. He it was who arranged with my creditors to allow me to roam + the face of the earth and persecute the nations thereof with + lectures, promising at the end of four years I would pay dollar for + dollar. That arrangement was made, otherwise I would now be living + out-of-doors under an umbrella, and a borrowed one at that. + + You see his white mustache and his hair trying to get white (he is + always trying to look like me--I don't blame him for that). These + are only emblematic of his character, and that is all. I say, + without exception, hair and all, he is the whitest man I have ever + known. + +This had been early in April. Something more than a month later Clemens +was making a business trip to New York to see Mr. Rogers. I was +telephoned early to go up and look over some matters with him before he +started. I do not remember why I was not to go along that day, for I +usually made such trips with him. I think it was planned that Miss +Clemens, who was in the city, was to meet him at the Grand Central +Station. At all events, she did meet him there, with the news that +during the night Mr. Rogers had suddenly died. This was May 20, 1909. +The news had already come to the house, and I had lost no time in +preparations to follow by the next train. I joined him at the Grosvenor +Hotel, on Fifth Avenue and Tenth Street. He was upset and deeply +troubled by the loss of his stanch adviser and friend. He had a helpless +look, and he said his friends were dying away from him and leaving him +adrift. + +"And how I hate to do anything," he added, "that requires the least +modicum of intelligence!" + +We remained at the Grosvenor for Mr. Rogers's funeral. Clemens served as +one of the pall-bearers, but he did not feel equal to the trip to +Fairhaven. He wanted to be very quiet, he said. He could not undertake +to travel that distance among those whom he knew so well, and with whom +he must of necessity join in conversation; so we remained in the hotel +apartment, reading and saying very little until bedtime. Once he asked +me to write a letter to Jean: "Say, 'Your father says every little while, +"How glad I am that Jean is at home again!"' for that is true and I think +of it all the time." + +But by and by, after a long period of silence, he said: + +"Mr. Rogers is under the ground now." + +And so passed out of earthly affairs the man who had contributed so +largely to the comfort of Mark Twain's old age. He was a man of fine +sensibilities and generous impulses; withal a keen sense of humor. + +One Christmas, when he presented Mark Twain with a watch and a +match-case, he wrote: + + MY DEAR CLEMENS,--For many years your friends have been complaining + of your use of tobacco, both as to quantity and quality. Complaints + are now coming in of your use of time. Most of your friends think + that you are using your supply somewhat lavishly, but the chief + complaint is in regard to the quality. + + I have been appealed to in the mean time, and have concluded that it + is impossible to get the right kind of time from a blacking-box. + + Therefore, I take the liberty of sending you herewith a machine that + will furnish only the best. Please use it with the kind wishes of + Yours truly, + H. H. ROGERS. + + P. S.--Complaint has also been made in regard to the furrows you + make in your trousers in scratching matches. You will find a furrow + on the bottom of the article inclosed. Please use it. Compliments + of the season to the family. + +He was a man too busy to write many letters, but when he did write (to +Clemens at least) they were always playful and unhurried. One reading +them would not find it easy to believe that the writer was a man on whose +shoulders lay the burdens of stupendous finance-burdens so heavy that at +last he was crushed beneath their weight. + + + + +CCLXXIX + +AN EXTENSION OF COPYRIGHT + +One of the pleasant things that came to Mark Twain that year was the +passage of a copyright bill, which added to the royalty period an +extension of fourteen years. Champ Clark had been largely instrumental +in the success of this measure, and had been fighting for it steadily +since Mark Twain's visit to Washington in 1906. Following that visit, +Clark wrote: + + . . . It [the original bill] would never pass because the bill + had literature and music all mixed together. Being a Missourian of + course it would give me great pleasure to be of service to you. + What I want to say is this: you have prepared a simple bill relating + only to the copyright of books; send it to me and I will try to have + it passed. + +Clemens replied that he might have something more to say on the copyright +question by and by--that he had in hand a dialogue--[Similar to the "Open +Letter to the Register of Copyrights," North American Review, January, +1905.]--which would instruct Congress, but this he did not complete. +Meantime a simple bill was proposed and early in 1909 it became a law. In +June Clark wrote: + + DR. SAMUEL L. CLEMENS, + Stormfield, Redding, Conn. + + MY DEAR DOCTOR,--I am gradually becoming myself again, after a + period of exhaustion that almost approximated prostration. After a + long lecture tour last summer I went immediately into a hard + campaign; as soon as the election was over, and I had recovered my + disposition, I came here and went into those tariff hearings, which + began shortly after breakfast each day, and sometimes lasted until + midnight. Listening patiently and meekly, withal, to the lying of + tariff barons for many days and nights was followed by the work of + the long session; that was followed by a hot campaign to take Uncle + Joe's rules away from him; on the heels of that "Campaign that + Failed" came the tariff fight in the House. I am now getting time + to breathe regularly and I am writing to ask you if the copyright + law is acceptable to you. If it is not acceptable to you I want to + ask you to write and tell me how it should be changed and I will + give my best endeavors to the work. I believe that your ideas and + wishes in the matter constitute the best guide we have as to what + should be done in the case. + Your friend, + CHAMP CLARK. + +To this Clemens replied: + + STORMFIELD, REDDING, CONN, June 5, 1909. + + DEAR CHAMP CLARK,--Is the new copyright law acceptable to me? + Emphatically yes! Clark, it is the only sane & clearly defined & + just & righteous copyright law that has ever existed in the United + States. Whosoever will compare it with its predecessors will have + no trouble in arriving at that decision. + + The bill which was before the committee two years ago when I was + down there was the most stupefying jumble of conflicting & + apparently irreconcilable interests that was ever seen; and we all + said "the case is hopeless, absolutely hopeless--out of this chaos + nothing can be built." But we were in error; out of that chaotic + mass this excellent bill has been constructed, the warring interests + have been reconciled, and the result is as comely and substantial a + legislative edifice as lifts its domes and towers and protective + lightning-rods out of the statute book I think. When I think of + that other bill, which even the Deity couldn't understand, and of + this one, which even I can understand, I take off my hat to the man + or men who devised this one. Was it R. U. Johnson? Was it the + Authors' League? Was it both together? I don't know, but I take + off my hat, anyway. Johnson has written a valuable article about + the new law--I inclose it. + + At last--at last and for the first time in copyright history--we are + ahead of England! Ahead of her in two ways: by length of time and + by fairness to all interests concerned. Does this sound like + shouting? Then I must modify it: all we possessed of copyright + justice before the 4th of last March we owed to England's + initiative. + Truly yours, + S. L. CLEMENS. + +Clemens had prepared what was the final word an the subject of copyright +just before this bill was passed--a petition for a law which he believed +would regulate the whole matter. It was a generous, even if a somewhat +Utopian, plan, eminently characteristic of its author. The new +fourteen-year extension, with the prospect of more, made this or any +other compromise seem inadvisable.--[The reader may consider this last +copyright document by Mark Twain under Appendix N, at the end of this +volume.] + + + + +CCLXXX + +A WARNING + +Clemens had promised to go to Baltimore for the graduation of "Francesca" +of his London visit in 1907--and to make a short address to her class. + +It was the eighth of June when we set out on this journey,--[The reader +may remember that it was the 8th of June, 1867, that Mark Twain sailed +for the Holy Land. It was the 8th of June, 1907, that he sailed for +England to take his Oxford degree. This 8th of June, 1909, was at least +slightly connected with both events, for he was keeping an engagement +made with Francesca in London, and my notes show that he discussed, on +the way to the station, some incidents of his Holy Land trip and his +attitude at that time toward Christian traditions. As he rarely +mentioned the Quaker City trip, the coincidence seems rather curious. It +is most unlikely that Clemens himself in any way associated the two +dates.]--but the day was rather bleak and there was a chilly rain. +Clemens had a number of errands to do in New York, and we drove from one +place to another, attending to them. Finally, in the afternoon, the rain +ceased, and while I was arranging some matters for him he concluded to +take a ride on the top of a Fifth Avenue stage. It was fine and pleasant +when he started, but the weather thickened again and when he returned he +complained that he had felt a little chilly. He seemed in fine +condition, however, next morning and was in good spirits all the way to +Baltimore. Chauncey Depew was on the train and they met in the +dining-car--the last time, I think, they ever saw each other. He was +tired when we reached the Belvedere Hotel in Baltimore and did not wish +to see the newspaper men. It happened that the reporters had a special +purpose in coming just at this time, for it had suddenly developed that +in his Shakespeare book, through an oversight, due to haste in +publication, full credit had not been given to Mr. Greenwood for the long +extracts quoted from his work. The sensational head-lines in a morning +paper, "Is Mark Twain a Plagiarist?" had naturally prompted the newspaper +men to see what he would have to say on the subject. It was a simple +matter, easily explained, and Clemens himself was less disturbed about it +than anybody. He felt no sense of guilt, he said; and the fact that he +had been stealing and caught at it would give Mr. Greenwood's book far +more advertising than if he had given him the full credit which he had +intended. He found a good deal of amusement in the situation, his only +worry being that Clara and Jean would see the paper and be troubled. + +He had taken off his clothes and was lying down, reading. After a little +he got up and began walking up and down the room. Presently he stopped +and, facing me, placed his hand upon his breast. He said: + +"I think I must have caught a little cold yesterday on that Fifth Avenue +stage. I have a curious pain in my breast." + +I suggested that he lie down again and I would fill his hot-water bag. +The pain passed away presently, and he seemed to be dozing. I stepped +into the next room and busied myself with some writing. By and by I +heard him stirring again and went in where he was. He was walking up and +down and began talking of some recent ethnological discoveries +--something relating to prehistoric man. + +"What a fine boy that prehistoric man must have been," he said--"the +very first one! Think of the gaudy style of him, how he must have lorded +it over those other creatures, walking on his hind legs, waving his arms, +practising and getting ready for the pulpit." + +The fancy amused him, but presently he paused in his walk and again put +his hand on his breast, saying: + +"That pain has come back. It's a curious, sickening, deadly kind of +pain. I never had anything just like it." + +It seemed to me that his face had become rather gray. I said: + +"Where is it, exactly, Mr. Clemens?" + +He laid his hand in the center of his breast and said: + +"It is here, and it is very peculiar indeed." + +Remotely in my mind occurred the thought that he had located his heart, +and the "peculiar deadly pain" he had mentioned seemed ominous. I +suggested, however, that it was probably some rheumatic touch, and this +opinion seemed warranted when, a few moments later, the hot water had +again relieved it. This time the pain had apparently gone to stay, for +it did not return while we were in Baltimore. It was the first positive +manifestation of the angina which eventually would take him from us. + +The weather was pleasant in Baltimore, and his visit to St. Timothy's +School and his address there were the kind of diversions that meant most +to him. The flock of girls, all in their pretty commencement dresses, +assembled and rejoicing at his playfully given advice: not to smoke--to +excess; not to drink--to excess; not to marry--to excess; he standing +there in a garb as white as their own--it made a rare picture--a sweet +memory--and it was the last time he ever gave advice from the platform to +any one. + +Edward S. Martin also spoke to the school, and then there was a great +feasting in the big assembly-hall. + +It was on the lawn that a reporter approached him with the news of the +death of Edward Everett Hale--another of the old group. Clemens said +thoughtfully, after a moment: + +"I had the greatest respect and esteem for Edward Everett Hale, the +greatest admiration for his work. I am as grieved to hear of his death +as I can ever be to hear of the death of any friend, though my grief is +always tempered with the satisfaction of knowing that for the one that +goes, the hard, bitter struggle of life is ended." + +We were leaving the Belvedere next morning, and when the subject of +breakfast came up for discussion he said: + +"That was the most delicious Baltimore fried chicken we had yesterday +morning. I think we'll just repeat that order. It reminds me of John +Quarles's farm." + +We had been having our meals served in the rooms, but we had breakfast +that morning down in the diningroom, and "Francesca" and her mother were +there. + +As he stood on the railway platform waiting for the train, he told me how +once, fifty-five years before, as a boy of eighteen, he had changed cars +there for Washington and had barely caught his train--the crowd yelling +at him as he ran. + +We remained overnight in New York, and that evening, at the Grosvenor, he +read aloud a poem of his own which I had not seen before. He had brought +it along with some intention of reading it at St. Timothy's, he said, +but had not found the occasion suitable. + +"I wrote it a long time ago in Paris. I'd been reading aloud to Mrs. +Clemens and Susy--in '93, I think--about Lord Clive and Warren Hastings, +from Macaulay--how great they were and how far they fell. Then I took an +imaginary case--that of some old demented man mumbling of his former +state. I described him, and repeated some of his mumblings. Susy and +Mrs. Clemens said, 'Write it'--so I did, by and by, and this is it. I +call it 'The Derelict.'" + +He read in his effective manner that fine poem, the opening stanza of +which follows: + + You sneer, you ships that pass me by, + Your snow-pure canvas towering proud! + You traders base!--why, once such fry + Paid reverence, when like a cloud + Storm-swept I drove along, + My Admiral at post, his pennon blue + Faint in the wilderness of sky, my long + Yards bristling with my gallant crew, + My ports flung wide, my guns displayed, + My tall spars hid in bellying sail! + --You struck your topsails then, and made + Obeisance--now your manners fail. + +He had employed rhyme with more facility than was usual for him, and the +figure and phrasing were full of vigor. + +"It is strong and fine," I said, when he had finished. + +"Yes," he assented. "It seems so as I read it now. It is so long since +I have seen it that it is like reading another man's work. I should call +it good, I believe." + +He put the manuscript in his bag and walked up and down the floor +talking. + +"There is no figure for the human being like the ship," he said; "no such +figure for the storm-beaten human drift as the derelict--such men as +Clive and Hastings could only be imagined as derelicts adrift, helpless, +tossed by every wind and tide." + +We returned to Redding next day. On the train going home he fell to +talking of books and authors, mainly of the things he had never been able +to read. + +"When I take up one of Jane Austen's books," he said, "such as Pride and +Prejudice, I feel like a barkeeper entering the kingdom of heaven. I +know, what his sensation would be and his private comments. He would not +find the place to his taste, and he would probably say so." + +He recalled again how Stepniak had come to Hartford, and how humiliated +Mrs. Clemens had been to confess that her husband was not familiar with +the writings of Thackeray and others. + +"I don't know anything about anything," he said, mournfully, "and never +did. My brother used to try to get me to read Dickens, long ago. I +couldn't do it--I was ashamed; but I couldn't do it. Yes, I have read +The Tale of Two Cities, and could do it again. I have read it a good +many times; but I never could stand Meredith and most of the other +celebrities." + +By and by he handed me the Saturday Times Review, saying: + +"Here is a fine poem, a great poem, I think. I can stand that." + +It was "The Palatine (in the 'Dark Ages')," by Willa Sibert Cather, +reprinted from McClure's. The reader will understand better than I can +express why these lofty opening stanzas appealed to Mark Twain: + + THE PALATINE + + "Have you been with the King to Rome, + Brother, big brother?" + "I've been there and I've come home, + Back to your play, little brother." + + "Oh, how high is Caesar's house, + Brother, big brother?" + "Goats about the doorways browse; + Night-hawks nest in the burnt roof-tree, + Home of the wild bird and home of the bee. + A thousand chambers of marble lie + Wide to the sun and the wind and the sky. + Poppies we find amongst our wheat + Grow on Caesar's banquet seat. + Cattle crop and neatherds drowse + On the floors of Caesar's house." + + "But what has become of Caesar's gold, + Brother, big brother?" + "The times are bad and the world is old + --Who knows the where of the Caesar's gold? + Night comes black on the Caesar's hill; + The wells are deep and the tales are ill. + Fireflies gleam in the damp and mold, + All that is left of the Caesar's gold. + Back to your play, little brother." + +Farther along in our journey he handed me the paper again, pointing to +these lines of Kipling: + + How is it not good for the Christian's health + To hurry the Aryan brown, + For the Christian riles and the Aryan smiles, + And he weareth the Christian down; + And the end of the fight is a tombstone white + And the name of the late deceased: + And the epitaph drear: "A fool lies here + Who tried to hustle the East." + +"I could stand any amount of that," he said, and presently: "Life is too +long and too short. Too long for the weariness of it; too short for the +work to be done. At the very most, the average mind can only master a +few languages and a little history." + +I said: "Still, we need not worry. If death ends all it does not matter; +and if life is eternal there will be time enough." + +"Yes," he assented, rather grimly, "that optimism of yours is always +ready to turn hell's back yard into a playground." + +I said that, old as I was, I had taken up the study of French, and +mentioned Bayard Taylor's having begun Greek at fifty, expecting to need +it in heaven. + +Clemens said, reflectively: "Yes--but you see that was Greek." + + + + +CCLXXXI + +THE LAST SUMMER AT STORMFIELD + +I was at Stormfield pretty constantly during the rest of that year. At +first I went up only for the day; but later, when his health did not +improve, and when he expressed a wish for companionship evenings, I +remained most of the nights as well. Our rooms were separated only by a +bath-room; and as neither of us was much given to sleep, there was likely +to be talk or reading aloud at almost any hour when both were awake. In +the very early morning I would usually slip in, softly, sometimes to find +him propped up against his pillows sound asleep, his glasses on, the +reading-lamp blazing away as it usually did, day or night; but as often +as not he was awake, and would have some new plan or idea of which he was +eager to be delivered, and there was always interest, and nearly always +amusement in it, even if it happened to be three in the morning or +earlier. + +Sometimes, when he thought it time for me to be stirring, he would call +softly, but loudly enough for me to hear if awake; and I would go in, and +we would settle again problems of life and death and science, or, rather, +he would settle them while I dropped in a remark here and there, merely +to hold the matter a little longer in solution. + +The pains in his breast came back, and with a good deal of frequency as +the summer advanced; also, they became more severe. Dr. Edward Quintard +came up from New York, and did not hesitate to say that the trouble +proceeded chiefly from the heart, and counseled diminished smoking, with +less active exercise, advising particularly against Clemens's lifetime +habit of lightly skipping up and down stairs. + +There was no prohibition as to billiards, however, or leisurely walking, +and we played pretty steadily through those peaceful summer days, and +often took a walk down into the meadows or perhaps in the other +direction, when it was not too warm or windy. Once we went as far as the +river, and I showed him a part of his land he had not seen before--a +beautiful cedar hillside, remote and secluded, a place of enchantment. On +the way I pointed out a little corner of land which earlier he had given +me to straighten our division line. I told him I was going to build a +study on it, and call it "Markland." He thought it an admirable +building-site, and I think he was pleased with the name. Later he said: + +"If you had a place for that extra billiard-table of mine [the Rogers +table, which had been left in New York] I would turn it over to you." + +I replied that I could adapt the size of my proposed study to fit a +billiard-table, and he said: + +"Now that will be very good. Then, when I want exercise, I can walk down +and play billiards with you, and when you want exercise you can walk up +and play billiards with me. You must build that study." + +So it was we planned, and by and by Mr. Lounsbury had undertaken the +work. + +During the walks Clemens rested a good deal. There were the New England +hills to climb, and then he found that he tired easily, and that +weariness sometimes brought on the pain. As I remember now, I think how +bravely he bore it. It must have been a deadly, sickening, numbing pain, +for I have seen it crumple him, and his face become colorless while his +hand dug at his breast; but he never complained, he never bewailed, and +at billiards he would persist in going on and playing in his turn, even +while he was bowed with the anguish of the attack. + +We had found that a glass of very hot water relieved it, and we kept +always a thermos bottle or two filled and ready. At the first hint from +him I would pour out a glass and another, and sometimes the relief came +quickly; but there were times, and alas! they came oftener, when that +deadly gripping did not soon release him. Yet there would come a week or +a fortnight when he was apparently perfectly well, and at such times we +dismissed the thought of any heart malady, and attributed the whole +trouble to acute indigestion, from which he had always suffered more or +less. + +We were alone together most of the time. He did not appear to care for +company that summer. Clara Clemens had a concert tour in prospect, and +her father, eager for her success, encouraged her to devote a large part +of her time to study. For Jean, who was in love with every form of +outdoor and animal life, he had established headquarters in a vacant +farm-house on one corner of the estate, where she had collected some +stock and poultry, and was over-flowingly happy. Ossip Gabrilowitsch was +a guest in the house a good portion of the summer, but had been invalided +through severe surgical operations, and for a long time rarely appeared, +even at meal-times. So it came about that there could hardly have been a +closer daily companionship than was ours during this the last year of +Mark Twain's life. For me, of course, nothing can ever be like it again +in this world. One is not likely to associate twice with a being from +another star. + + + + +CCLXXXII + +PERSONAL MEMORANDA + +In the notes I made of this period I caught a little drift of personality +and utterance, and I do not know better how to preserve these things than +to give them here as nearly as may be in the sequence and in the forth in +which they were set down. + +One of the first of these entries occurs in June, when Clemens was +rereading with great interest and relish Andrew D. White's Science and +Theology, which he called a lovely book.--['A History of the Warfare of +Science with Theology in Christendom'.] + June 21. A peaceful afternoon, and we walked farther than usual, + resting at last in the shade of a tree in the lane that leads to + Jean's farm-house. I picked a dandelion-ball, with some remark + about its being one of the evidences of the intelligent principle in + nature--the seeds winged for a wider distribution. + + "Yes," he said, "those are the great evidences; no one who reasons + can doubt them." + + And presently he added: + + "That is a most amusing book of White's. When you read it you see + how those old theologians never reasoned at all. White tells of an + old bishop who figured out that God created the world in an instant + on a certain day in October exactly so many years before Christ, and + proved it. And I knew a preacher myself once who declared that the + fossils in the rocks proved nothing as to the age of the world. He + said that God could create the rocks with those fossils in them for + ornaments if He wanted to. Why, it takes twenty years to build a + little island in the Mississippi River, and that man actually + believed that God created the whole world and all that's in it in + six days. White tells of another bishop who gave two new reasons + for thunder; one being that God wanted to show the world His power, + and another that He wished to frighten sinners to repent. Now + consider the proportions of that conception, even in the pettiest + way you can think of it. Consider the idea of God thinking of all + that. Consider the President of the United States wanting to + impress the flies and fleas and mosquitoes, getting up on the dome + of the Capitol and beating a bass-drum and setting off red fire." + +He followed the theme a little further, then we made our way slowly back +up the long hill, he holding to my arm, and resting here and there, but +arriving at the house seemingly fresh and ready for billiards. + + June 23. I came up this morning with a basket of strawberries. He + was walking up and down, looking like an ancient Roman. He said: + + "Consider the case of Elsie Sigel--[Granddaughter of Gen. Franz + Sigel. She was mysteriously murdered while engaged in settlement + work among the Chinese.]--what a ghastly ending to any life!" + + Then turning upon me fiercely, he continued: + + "Anybody that knows anything knows that there was not a single life + that was ever lived that was worth living. Not a single child ever + begotten that the begetting of it was not a crime. Suppose a + community of people to be living on the slope of a volcano, directly + under the crater and in the path of lava-flow; that volcano has been + breaking out right along for ages and is certain to break out again. + They do not know when it will break out, but they know it will do + it--that much can be counted on. Suppose those people go to a + community in a far neighborhood and say, 'We'd like to change places + with you. Come take our homes and let us have yours.' Those people + would say, 'Never mind, we are not interested in your country. We + know what has happened there, and what will happen again.' We don't + care to live under the blow that is likely to fall at any moment; + and yet every time we bring a child into the world we are bringing + it to a country, to a community gathered under the crater of a + volcano, knowing that sooner or later death will come, and that + before death there will be catastrophes infinitely worse. Formerly + it was much worse than now, for before the ministers abolished hell + a man knew, when he was begetting a child, that he was begetting a + soul that had only one chance in a hundred of escaping the eternal + fires of damnation. He knew that in all probability that child + would be brought to damnation--one of the ninety-nine black sheep. + But since hell has been abolished death has become more welcome. + I wrote a fairy story once. It was published somewhere. I don't + remember just what it was now, but the substance of it was that a + fairy gave a man the customary wishes. I was interested in seeing + what he would take. First he chose wealth and went away with it, + but it did not bring him happiness. Then he came back for the + second selection, and chose fame, and that did not bring happiness + either. Finally he went to the fairy and chose death, and the fairy + said, in substance, 'If you hadn't been a fool you'd have chosen + that in the first place.' + + "The papers called me a pessimist for writing that story. + Pessimist--the man who isn't a pessimist is a d---d fool." + +But this was one of his savage humors, stirred by tragic circumstance. +Under date of July 5th I find this happier entry: + + We have invented a new game, three-ball carom billiards, each player + continuing until he has made five, counting the number of his shots + as in golf, the one who finishes in the fewer shots wins. It is a + game we play with almost exactly equal skill, and he is highly + pleased with it. He said this afternoon: + + "I have never enjoyed billiards as I do now. I look forward to it + every afternoon as my reward at the end of a good day's work."--[His + work at this time was an article on Marjorie Fleming, the "wonder + child," whose quaint writings and brief little life had been + published to the world by Dr. John Brown. Clemens always adored the + thought of Marjorie, and in this article one can see that she ranked + almost next to Joan of Arc in his affections.] + +We went out in the loggia by and by and Clemens read aloud from a book +which Professor Zubelin left here a few days ago--'The Religion of a +Democrat'. Something in it must have suggested to Clemens his favorite +science, for presently he said: + + "I have been reading an old astronomy; it speaks of the perfect line + of curvature of the earth in spite of mountains and abysses, and I + have imagined a man three hundred thousand miles high picking up a + ball like the earth and looking at it and holding it in his hand. + It would be about like a billiard-ball to him, and he would turn it + over in his hand and rub it with his thumb, and where he rubbed over + the mountain ranges he might say, 'There seems to be some slight + roughness here, but I can't detect it with my eye; it seems + perfectly smooth to look at.' The Himalayas to him, the highest + peak, would be one-sixty-thousandth of his height, or about the one- + thousandth part of an inch as compared with the average man." + +I spoke of having somewhere read of some very tiny satellites, one as +small, perhaps, as six miles in diameter, yet a genuine world. + +"Could a man live on a world so small as that?" I asked. + + "Oh yes," he said. "The gravitation that holds it together would + hold him on, and he would always seem upright, the same as here. + His horizon would be smaller, but even if he were six feet tall he + would only have one foot for each mile of that world's diameter, so + you see he would be little enough, even for a world that he could + walk around in half a day." + +He talked astronomy a great deal--marvel astronomy. He had no real +knowledge of the subject, and I had none of any kind, which made its +ungraspable facts all the more thrilling. He was always thrown into a +sort of ecstasy by the unthinkable distances of space--the supreme drama +of the universe. The fact that Alpha Centauri was twenty-five trillions +of miles away--two hundred and fifty thousand times the distance of our +own remote sun, and that our solar system was traveling, as a whole, +toward the bright star Vega, in the constellation of Lyra, at the rate of +forty-four miles a second, yet would be thousands upon thousands of years +reaching its destination, fairly enraptured him. + +The astronomical light-year--that is to say, the distance which light +travels in a year--was one of the things which he loved to contemplate; +but he declared that no two authorities ever figured it alike, and that +he was going to figure it for himself. I came in one morning, to find +that he had covered several sheets of paper with almost interminable rows +of ciphers, and with a result, to him at least, entirely satisfactory. I +am quite certain that he was prouder of those figures and their enormous +aggregate than if he had just completed an immortal tale; and when he +added that the nearest fixed star--Alpha Centauri--was between four and +five light-years distant from the earth, and that there was no possible +way to think that distance in miles or even any calculable fraction of +it, his glasses shone and his hair was roached up as with the stimulation +of these stupendous facts. + +By and by he said: + +"I came in with Halley's comet in 1835. It is coming again next year, +and I expect to go out with it. It will be the greatest disappointment +of my life if I don't go out with Halley's comet. The Almighty has said, +no doubt: 'Now here are these two unaccountable freaks; they came in +together, they must go out together.' Oh! I am looking forward to +that." And a little later he added: + +"I've got some kind of a heart disease, and Quintard won't tell me +whether it is the kind that carries a man off in an instant or keeps him +lingering along and suffering for twenty years or so. I was in hopes +that Quintard would tell me that I was likely to drop dead any minute; +but he didn't. He only told me that my blood-pressure was too strong. He +didn't give me any schedule; but I expect to go with Halley's comet." + +I seem to have omitted making any entries for a few days; but among his +notes I find this entry, which seems to refer to some discussion of a +favorite philosophy, and has a special interest of its own: + + July 14, 1909. Yesterday's dispute resumed, I still maintaining + that, whereas we can think, we generally don't do it. Don't do it, + & don't have to do it: we are automatic machines which act + unconsciously. From morning till sleeping-time, all day long. All + day long our machinery is doing things from habit & instinct, & + without requiring any help or attention from our poor little 7-by-9 + thinking apparatus. This reminded me of something: thirty years + ago, in Hartford, the billiard-room was my study, & I wrote my + letters there the first thing every morning. My table lay two + points off the starboard bow of the billiard-table, & the door of + exit and entrance bore northeast&-by-east-half-east from that + position, consequently you could see the door across the length of + the billiard-table, but you couldn't see the floor by the said + table. I found I was always forgetting to ask intruders to carry my + letters down-stairs for the mail, so I concluded to lay them on the + floor by the door; then the intruder would have to walk over them, & + that would indicate to him what they were there for. Did it? No, + it didn't. He was a machine, & had habits. Habits take precedence + of thought. + + Now consider this: a stamped & addressed letter lying on the floor + --lying aggressively & conspicuously on the floor--is an unusual + spectacle; so unusual a spectacle that you would think an intruder + couldn't see it there without immediately divining that it was not + there by accident, but had been deliberately placed there & for a + definite purpose. Very well--it may surprise you to learn that that + most simple & most natural & obvious thought would never occur to + any intruder on this planet, whether he be fool, half-fool, or the + most brilliant of thinkers. For he is always an automatic machine & + has habits, & his habits will act before his thinking apparatus can + get a chance to exert its powers. My scheme failed because every + human being has the habit of picking up any apparently misplaced + thing & placing it where it won't be stepped on. + + My first intruder was George. He went and came without saying + anything. Presently I found the letters neatly piled up on the + billiard-table. I was astonished. I put them on the floor again. + The next intruder piled them on the billiard-table without a word. + I was profoundly moved, profoundly interested. So I set the trap + again. Also again, & again, & yet again--all day long. I caught + every member of the family, & every servant; also I caught the three + finest intellects in the town. In every instance old, time-worn + automatic habit got in its work so promptly that the thinking + apparatus never got a chance. + +I do not remember this particular discussion, but I do distinctly recall +being one of those whose intelligence was not sufficient to prevent my +picking up the letter he had thrown on the floor in front of his bed, and +being properly classified for doing it. + +Clemens no longer kept note-books, as in an earlier time, but set down +innumerable memoranda-comments, stray reminders, and the like--on small +pads, and bunches of these tiny sheets accumulated on his table and about +his room. I gathered up many of them then and afterward, and a few of +these characteristic bits may be offered here. + + KNEE + +It is at our mother's knee that we acquire our noblest & truest & highest +ideals, but there is seldom any money in them. + + JEHOVAH + +He is all-good. He made man for hell or hell for man, one or the other +--take your choice. He made it hard to get into heaven and easy to get +into hell. He commended man to multiply & replenish-what? Hell. + + MODESTY ANTEDATES CLOTHES + +& will be resumed when clothes are no more. [The latter part of this +aphorism is erased and underneath it he adds:] + + MODESTY DIED + +when clothes were born. + + MODESTY DIED +when false modesty was born. + + HISTORY + +A historian who would convey the truth has got to lie. Often he must +enlarge the truth by diameters, otherwise his reader would not be able to +see it. + + MORALS + +are not the important thing--nor enlightenment--nor civilization. A man +can do absolutely well without them, but he can't do without something to +eat. The supremest thing is the needs of the body, not of the mind & +spirit. + + SUGGESTION + +There is conscious suggestion & there is unconscious suggestion--both +come from outside--whence all ideas come. + + + DUELS + +I think I could wipe out a dishonor by crippling the other man, but I +don't see how I could do it by letting him cripple me. + +I have no feeling of animosity toward people who do not believe as I do; +I merely do not respect 'em. In some serious matters (relig.) I would +have them burnt. + +I am old now and once was a sinner. I often think of it with a kind of +soft regret. I trust my days are numbered. I would not have that detail +overlooked. + +She was always a girl, she was always young because her heart was young; +& I was young because she lived in my heart & preserved its youth from +decay. + +He often busied himself working out more extensively some of the ideas +that came to him--moral ideas, he called them. One fancy which he +followed in several forms (some of them not within the privilege of +print) was that of an inquisitive little girl, Bessie, who pursues her +mother with difficult questionings.--[Under Appendix w, at the end of +this volume, the reader will find one of the "Bessie" dialogues.]--He +read these aloud as he finished them, and it is certain that they lacked +neither logic nor humor. + +Sometimes he went to a big drawer in his dresser, where he kept his +finished manuscripts, and took them out and looked over them, and read +parts of them aloud, and talked of the plans he had had for them, and how +one idea after another had been followed for a time and had failed to +satisfy him in the end. + +Two fiction schemes that had always possessed him he had been unable to +bring to any conclusion. Both of these have been mentioned in former +chapters; one being the notion of a long period of dream-existence during +a brief moment of sleep, and the other being the story of a mysterious +visitant from another realm. He had experimented with each of these +ideas in no less than three forms, and there was fine writing and +dramatic narrative in all; but his literary architecture had somehow +fallen short of his conception. "The Mysterious Stranger" in one of its +forms I thought might be satisfactorily concluded, and he admitted that +he could probably end it without much labor. He discussed something of +his plans, and later I found the notes for its conclusion. But I suppose +he was beyond the place where he could take up those old threads, though +he contemplated, fondly enough, the possibility, and recalled how he had +read at least one form of the dream tale to Howells, who had urged him to +complete it. + + + + +CCLXXXIII + +ASTRONOMY AND DREAMS + +August 5, 1909. This morning I noticed on a chair a copy of Flaubert's +Salammbo which I recently lent him. I asked if he liked it. + +"No," he said, "I didn't like any of it." + +"But you read it?" + +"Yes, I read every line of it." + +"You admitted its literary art?" + +"Well, it's like this: If I should go to the Chicago stockyards and they +should kill a beef and cut it up and the blood should splash all over +everything, and then they should take me to another pen and kill another +beef and the blood should splash over everything again, and so on to pen +after pen, I should care for it about as much as I do for that book." + +"But those were bloody days, and you care very much for that period in +history." + +"Yes, that is so. But when I read Tacitus and know that I am reading +history I can accept it as such and supply the imaginary details and +enjoy it, but this thing is such a continuous procession of blood and +slaughter and stench it worries me. It has great art--I can see that. +That scene of the crucified lions and the death canon and the tent scene +are marvelous, but I wouldn't read that book again without a salary." + +August 16. He is reading Suetonius, which he already knows by heart--so +full of the cruelties and licentiousness of imperial Rome. + +This afternoon he began talking about Claudius. + +"They called Claudius a lunatic," he said, "but just see what nice +fancies he had. He would go to the arena between times and have captives +and wild beasts brought out and turned in together for his special +enjoyment. Sometimes when there were no captives on hand he would say, +'Well, never mind; bring out a carpenter.' Carpentering around the arena +wasn't a popular job in those days. He went visiting once to a province +and thought it would be pleasant to see how they disposed of criminals +and captives in their crude, old-fashioned way, but there was no +executioner on hand. No matter; the Emperor of Rome was in no hurry--he +would wait. So he sat down and stayed there until an executioner came." + +I said, "How do you account for the changed attitude toward these things? +We are filled with pity to-day at the thought of torture and suffering." + +"Ah! but that is because we have drifted that way and exercised the +quality of compassion. Relax a muscle and it soon loses its vigor; relax +that quality and in two generations--in one generation--we should be +gloating over the spectacle of blood and torture just the same. Why, I +read somewhere a letter written just before the Lisbon catastrophe in +1755 about a scene on the public square of Lisbon: A lot of stakes with +the fagots piled for burning and heretics chained for burning. The +square was crowded with men and women and children, and when those fires +were lighted, and the heretics began to shriek and writhe, those men and +women and children laughed so they were fairly beside themselves with the +enjoyment of the scene. The Greeks don't seem to have done these things. +I suppose that indicates earlier advancement in compassion." + +Colonel Harvey and Mr. Duneka came up to spend the night. Mr. Clemens +had one of his seizures during the evening. They come oftener and last +longer. One last night continued for an hour and a half. I slept there. + +September 7. To-day news of the North Pole discovered by Peary. Five +days ago the same discovery was reported by Cook. Clemens's comment: +"It's the greatest joke of the ages." But a moment later he referred to +the stupendous fact of Arcturus being fifty thousand times as big as the +sun. + +September 21. This morning he told me, with great glee, the dream he had +had just before wakening. He said: + + "I was in an automobile going slowly, with 'a little girl beside me, + and some uniformed person walking along by us. I said, 'I'll get + out and walk, too'; but the officer replied, 'This is only one of + the smallest of our fleet.' + + "Then I noticed that the automobile had no front, and there were two + cannons mounted where the front should be. I noticed, too, that we + were traveling very low, almost down on the ground. Presently we + got to the bottom of a hill and started up another, and I found + myself walking ahead of the 'mobile. I turned around to look for + the little girl, and instead of her I found a kitten capering beside + me, and when we reached the top of the hill we were looking out over + a most barren and desolate waste of sand-heaps without a speck of + vegetation anywhere, and the kitten said, 'This view beggars all + admiration.' Then all at once we were in a great group of people + and I undertook to repeat to them the kitten's remark, but when I + tried to do it the words were so touching that I broke down and + cried, and all the group cried, too, over the kitten's moving + remark." + + The joy with which he told this absurd sleep fancy made it supremely + ridiculous and we laughed until tears really came. + +One morning he said: "I was awake a good deal in the night, and I tried +to think of interesting things. I got to working out geological periods, +trying to think of some way to comprehend them, and then astronomical +periods. Of course it's impossible, but I thought of a plan that seemed +to mean something to me. I remembered that Neptune is two billion eight +hundred million miles away. That, of course, is incomprehensible, but +then there is the nearest fixed star with its twenty-five trillion miles +--twenty-five trillion--or nearly a thousand times as far, and then I +took this book and counted the lines on a page and I found that there was +an average of thirty-two lines to the page and two hundred and forty +pages, and I figured out that, counting the distance to Neptune as one +line, there were still not enough lines in the book by nearly two +thousand to reach the nearest fixed star, and somehow that gave me a sort +of dim idea of the vastness of the distance and kind of a journey into +space." + +Later I figured out another method of comprehending a little of that +great distance by estimating the existence of the human race at thirty +thousand years (Lord Kelvin's figures) and the average generation to have +been thirty-three years with a world population of 1,500,000,000 souls. I +assumed the nearest fixed star to be the first station in Paradise and +the first soul to have started thirty thousand years ago. Traveling at +the rate of about thirty miles a second, it would just now be arriving in +Alpha Centauri with all the rest of that buried multitude stringing out +behind at an average distance of twenty miles apart. + +Few things gave him more pleasure than the contemplation of such figures +as these. We made occasional business trips to New York, and during one +of them visited the Museum of Natural History to look at the brontosaur +and the meteorites and the astronomical model in the entrance hall. To +him these were the most fascinating things in the world. He contemplated +the meteorites and the brontosaur, and lost himself in strange and +marvelous imaginings concerning the far reaches of time and space whence +they had come down to us. + +Mark Twain lived curiously apart from the actualities of life. Dwelling +mainly among his philosophies and speculations, he observed vaguely, or +minutely, what went on about him; but in either case the fact took a +place, not in the actual world, but in a world within his consciousness, +or subconsciousness, a place where facts were likely to assume new and +altogether different relations from those they had borne in the physical +occurrence. It not infrequently happened, therefore, when he recounted +some incident, even the most recent, that history took on fresh and +startling forms. More than once I have known him to relate an occurrence +of the day before with a reality of circumstance that carried absolute +conviction, when the details themselves were precisely reversed. If his +attention were called to the discrepancy, his face would take on a blank +look, as of one suddenly aroused from dreamland, to be followed by an +almost childish interest in your revelation and ready acknowledgment of +his mistake. I do not think such mistakes humiliated him; but they often +surprised and, I think, amused him. + +Insubstantial and deceptive as was this inner world of his, to him it +must have been much more real than the world of flitting physical shapes +about him. He would fix you keenly with his attention, but you realized, +at last, that he was placing you and seeing you not as a part of the +material landscape, but as an item of his own inner world--a world in +which philosophies and morals stood upright--a very good world indeed, +but certainly a topsy-turvy world when viewed with the eye of mere +literal scrutiny. And this was, mainly, of course, because the routine +of life did not appeal to him. Even members of his household did not +always stir his consciousness. + +He knew they were there; he could call them by name; he relied upon them; +but his knowledge of them always suggested the knowledge that Mount +Everest might have of the forests and caves and boulders upon its slopes, +useful, perhaps, but hardly necessary to the giant's existence, and in no +important matter a part of its greater life. + + + + +CCLXXXIV + +A LIBRARY CONCERT + +In a letter which Clemens wrote to Miss Wallace at this time, he tells of +a concert given at Stormfield on September 21st for the benefit of the +new Redding Library. Gabrilowitsch had so far recovered that he was up +and about and able to play. David Bispham, the great barytone, always +genial and generous, agreed to take part, and Clara Clemens, already +accustomed to public singing, was to join in the program. The letter to +Miss Wallace supplies the rest of the history. + + We had a grand time here yesterday. Concert in aid of the little + library. + + TEAM + + Gabrilowitsch, pianist. + David Bispham, vocalist. + Clara Clemens, ditto. + Mark Twain, introduces of team. + + Detachments and squads and groups and singles came from everywhere + --Danbury, New Haven, Norwalk, Redding, Redding Ridge, Ridgefield, + and even from New York: some in 60-h.p. motor-cars, some in + buggies and carriages, and a swarm of farmer-young-folk on foot + from miles around--525 altogether. + + If we hadn't stopped the sale of tickets a day and a half before the + performance we should have been swamped. We jammed 160 into the + library (not quite all had seats), we filled the loggia, the dining- + room, the hall, clear into the billiard-room, the stairs, and the + brick-paved square outside the dining-room door. + + The artists were received with a great welcome, and it woke them up, + and I tell you they performed to the Queen's taste! The program was + an hour and three-quarters long and the encores added a half-hour to + it. The enthusiasm of the house was hair-lifting. They all stayed + an hour after the close to shake hands and congratulate. + + We had no dollar seats except in the library, but we accumulated + $372 for the Building Fund. We had tea at half past six for a + dozen--the Hawthornes, Jeannette Gilder, and her niece, etc.; and + after 8-o'clock dinner we had a private concert and a ball in the + bare-stripped library until 10; nobody present but the team and Mr. + and Mrs. Paine and Jean and her dog. And me. Bispham did "Danny + Deever" and the "Erlkonig" in his majestic, great organ-tones and + artillery, and Gabrilowitsch played the accompaniments as they were + never played before, I do suppose. + +There is not much to add to that account. Clemens, introducing the +performers, was the gay feature of the occasion. He spoke of the great +reputation of Bispham and Gabrilowitsch; then he said: + +"My daughter is not as famous as these gentlemen, but she is ever so much +better-looking." + +The music of the evening that followed, with Gabrilowitsch at the piano +and David Bispham to sing, was something not likely ever to be repeated. +Bispham sang the "Erlkonig" and "Killiecrankie" and the "Grenadiers" and +several other songs. He spoke of having sung Wagner's arrangement of the +"Grenadiers" at the composer's home following his death, and how none of +the family had heard it before. + +There followed dancing, and Jean Clemens, fine and handsome, apparently +full of life and health, danced down that great living-room as care-free +as if there was no shadow upon her life. And the evening was +distinguished in another way, for before it ended Clara Clemens had +promised Ossip Gabrilowitsch to become his wife. + + + + +CCLXXXV + +A WEDDING AT STORMFIELD + +The wedding of Ossip Gabrilowitsch and Clara Clemens was not delayed. +Gabrilowitsch had signed for a concert tour in Europe, and unless the +marriage took place forthwith it must be postponed many months. It +followed, therefore, fifteen days after the engagement. They were busy +days. Clemens, enormously excited and pleased over the prospect of the +first wedding in his family, personally attended to the selection of +those who were to have announcement-cards, employing a stenographer to +make the list. + +October 6th was a perfect wedding-day. It was one of those quiet, lovely +fall days when the whole world seems at peace. Claude, the butler, with +his usual skill in such matters, had decorated the great living-room with +gay autumn foliage and flowers, brought in mainly from the woods and +fields. They blended perfectly with the warm tones of the walls and +furnishings, and I do not remember ever having seen a more beautiful +room. Only relatives and a few of the nearest friends were invited to +the ceremony. The Twichells came over a day ahead, for Twichell, who had +assisted in the marriage rites between Samuel Clemens and Olivia Langdon, +was to perform that ceremony for their daughter now. A fellow-student of +the bride and groom when they had been pupils of Leschetizky, in Vienna +--Miss Ethel Newcomb--was at the piano and played softly the Wedding +March from "Taunhauser." Jean Clemens was the only bridesmaid, and she +was stately and classically beautiful, with a proud dignity in her +office. Jervis Langdon, the bride's cousin and childhood playmate, acted +as best man, and Clemens, of course, gave the bride away. By request he +wore his scarlet Oxford gown over his snowy flannels, and was splendid +beyond words. I do not write of the appearance of the bride and groom, +for brides and grooms are always handsome and always happy, and certainly +these were no exception. It was all so soon over, the feasting ended, +and the principals whirling away into the future. I have a picture in my +mind of them seated together in the automobile, with Richard Watson +Gilder standing on the step for a last good-by, and before them a wide +expanse of autumn foliage and distant hills. I remember Gilder's voice +saying, when the car was on the turn, and they were waving back to us: + + "Over the hills and far away, + Beyond the utmost purple rim, + Beyond the night, beyond the day, + Through all the world she followed him." + +The matter of the wedding had been kept from the newspapers until the eve +of the wedding, when the Associated Press had been notified. A +representative was there; but Clemens had characteristically interviewed +himself on the subject, and it was only necessary to hand the reporter a +typewritten copy. Replying to the question (put to himself), "Are you +pleased with the marriage?" he answered: + + Yes, fully as much as any marriage could please me or any other + father. There are two or three solemn things in life and a happy + marriage is one of them, for the terrors of life are all to come. + I am glad of this marriage, and Mrs. Clemens would be glad, for she + always had a warm affection for Gabrilowitsch. + +There was another wedding at Stormfield on the following afternoon--an +imitation wedding. Little Joy came up with me, and wished she could +stand in just the spot where she had seen the bride stand, and she +expressed a wish that she could get married like that. Clemens said: + +"Frankness is a jewel; only the young can afford it." + +Then he happened to remember a ridiculous boy-doll--a white-haired +creature with red coat and green trousers, a souvenir imitation of +himself from one of the Rogerses' Christmas trees. He knew where it was, +and he got it out. Then he said: + +"Now, Joy, we will have another wedding. This is Mr. Colonel Williams, +and you are to become his wedded wife." + +So Joy stood up very gravely and Clemens performed the ceremony, and I +gave the bride away, and Joy to him became Mrs. Colonel Williams +thereafter, and entered happily into her new estate. + + + + +CCLXXXVI + +AUTUMN DAYS + +A harvest of letters followed the wedding: a general congratulatory +expression, mingled with admiration, affection, and good-will. In his +interview Clemens had referred to the pain in his breast; and many begged +him to deny that there was anything serious the matter with him, urging +him to try this relief or that, pathetically eager for his continued life +and health. They cited the comfort he had brought to world-weary +humanity and his unfailing stand for human justice as reasons why he +should live. Such letters could not fail to cheer him. + +A letter of this period, from John Bigelow, gave him a pleasure of its +own. Clemens had written Bigelow, apropos of some adverse expression on +the tariff: + + Thank you for any hard word you can say about the tariff. I guess + the government that robs its own people earns the future it is + preparing for itself. + +Bigelow was just then declining an invitation to the annual dinner of the +Chamber of Commerce. In sending his regrets he said: + + The sentiment I would propose if I dared to be present would be the + words of Mark Twain, the statesman: + + "The government that robs its own people earns the future it is + preparing for itself." + +Now to Clemens himself he wrote: + + Rochefoucault never said a cleverer thing, nor Dr. Franklin a wiser + one . . . . Be careful, or the Demos will be running you for + President when you are not on your guard. + + Yours more than ever, + JOHN BIGELOW. + +Among the tributes that came, was a sermon by the Rev. Fred Window Adams, +of Schenectady, New York, with Mark Twain as its subject. Mr. Adams +chose for his text, "Take Mark and bring him with thee; for he is +profitable for the ministry," and he placed the two Marks, St. Mark and +Mark Twain, side by side as ministers to humanity, and characterized him +as "a fearless knight of righteousness." A few weeks later Mr. Adams +himself came to Stormfield, and, like all open-minded ministers of the +Gospel, he found that he could get on very well indeed with Mark Twain. + +In spite of the good-will and the good wishes Clemens's malady did not +improve. As the days grew chillier he found that he must remain closer +indoors. The cold air seemed to bring on the pains, and they were +gradually becoming more severe; then, too, he did not follow the doctor's +orders in the matter of smoking, nor altogether as to exercise. + +To Miss Wallace he wrote: + +I can't walk, I can't drive, I'm not down-stairs much, and I don't see +company, but I drink barrels of water to keep the pain quiet; I read, and +read, and read, and smoke, and smoke, and smoke all the time (as +formerly), and it's a contented and comfortable life. + +But this was not altogether accurate as to details. He did come +down-stairs many times daily, and he persisted in billiards regardless of +the paroxysms. We found, too, that the seizures were induced by mental +agitation. One night he read aloud to Jean and myself the first chapter +of an article, "The Turning-Point in My Life," which he was preparing for +Harper's Bazar. He had begun it with one of his impossible burlesque +fancies, and he felt our attitude of disappointment even before any word +had been said. Suddenly he rose, and laying his hand on his breast said, +"I must lie down," and started toward the stair. I supported him to his +room and hurriedly poured out the hot water. He drank it and dropped +back on the bed. + +"Don't speak to me," he said; "don't make me talk." + +Jean came in, and we sat there several moments in silence. I think we +both wondered if this might not be the end; but presently he spoke of his +own accord, declaring he was better, and ready for billiards. + +We played for at least an hour afterward, and he seemed no worse for the +attack. It is a curious malady--that angina; even the doctors are +acquainted with its manifestations, rather than its cause. Clemens's +general habits of body and mind were probably not such as to delay its +progress; furthermore, there had befallen him that year one of those +misfortunes which his confiding nature peculiarly invited--a betrayal of +trust by those in whom it had been boundlessly placed--and it seems +likely that the resulting humiliation aggravated his complaint. The +writing of a detailed history of this episode afforded him occupation and +a certain amusement, but probably did not contribute to his health. One +day he sent for his attorney, Mr. Charles T. Lark, and made some final +revisions in his will.--[Mark Twain's estate, later appraised at +something more than $600,000 was left in the hands of trustees for his +daughters. The trustees were Edward E. Loomis, Jervis Langdon, and +Zoheth S. Freeman. The direction of his literary affairs was left to his +daughter Clara and the writer of this history.] + +To see him you would never have suspected that he was ill. He was in +good flesh, and his movement was as airy and his eye as bright and his +face as full of bloom as at any time during the period I had known him; +also, he was as light-hearted and full of ideas and plans, and he was +even gentler--having grown mellow with age and retirement, like good +wine. + +And of course he would find amusement in his condition. He said: + +"I have always pretended to be sick to escape visitors; now, for the +first time, I have got a genuine excuse. It makes me feel so honest." + +And once, when Jean reported a caller in the livingroom, he said: + +"Jean, I can't see her. Tell her I am likely to drop dead any minute and +it would be most embarrassing." + +But he did see her, for it was a poet--Angela Morgan--and he read her +poem, "God's Man," aloud with great feeling, and later he sold it for her +to Collier's Weekly. + +He still had violent rages now and then, remembering some of the most +notable of his mistakes; and once, after denouncing himself, rather +inclusively, as an idiot, he said: + +"I wish to God the lightning would strike me; but I've wished that fifty +thousand times and never got anything out of it yet. I have missed +several good chances. Mrs. Clemens was afraid of lightning, and would +never let me bare my head to the storm." + +The element of humor was never lacking, and the rages became less violent +and less frequent. + +I was at Stormfield steadily now, and there was a regular routine of +afternoon sessions of billiards or reading, in which we were generally +alone; for Jean, occupied with her farming and her secretary labors, +seldom appeared except at meal-times. Occasionally she joined in the +billiard games; but it was difficult learning and her interest was not +great. She would have made a fine player, for she had a natural talent +for games, as she had for languages, and she could have mastered the +science of angles as she had mastered tennis and French and German and +Italian. She had naturally a fine intellect, with many of her father's +characteristics, and a tender heart that made every dumb creature her +friend. + +Katie Leary, who had been Jean's nurse, once told how, as a little child, +Jean had not been particularly interested in a picture of the Lisbon +earthquake, where the people were being swallowed up; but on looking at +the next page, which showed a number of animals being overwhelmed, she +had said: + +"Poor things!" + +Katie said: + +"Why, you didn't say that about the people!" + +But Jean answered: + +"Oh, they could speak." + +One night at the dinner-table her father was saying how difficult it must +be for a man who had led a busy life to give up the habit of work. + +"That is why the Rogerses kill themselves," he said. "They would rather +kill themselves in the old treadmill than stop and try to kill time. They +have forgotten how to rest. They know nothing but to keep on till they +drop." + +I told of something I had read not long before. It was about an aged +lion that had broken loose from his cage at Coney Island. He had not +offered to hurt any one; but after wandering about a little, rather +aimlessly, he had come to a picket-fence, and a moment later began pacing +up and down in front of it, just the length of his cage. They had come +and led him back to his prison without trouble, and he had rushed eagerly +into it. I noticed that Jean was listening anxiously, and when I +finished she said: + +"Is that a true story?" + +She had forgotten altogether the point in illustration. She was +concerned only with the poor old beast that had found no joy in his +liberty. + +Among the letters that Clemens wrote just then was one to Miss Wallace, +in which he described the glory of the fall colors as seen from his +windows. + + The autumn splendors passed you by? What a pity! I wish you had + been here. It was beyond words! It was heaven & hell & sunset & + rainbows & the aurora all fused into one divine harmony, & you + couldn't look at it and keep the tears back. + + Such a singing together, & such a whispering together, & such a + snuggling together of cozy, soft colors, & such kissing & caressing, + & such pretty blushing when the sun breaks out & catches those + dainty weeds at it--you remember that weed-garden of mine?--& then + --then the far hills sleeping in a dim blue trance--oh, hearing + about it is nothing, you should be here to see it! + +In the same letter he refers to some work that he was writing for his own +satisfaction--'Letters from the Earth'; said letters supposed to have +been written by an immortal visitant and addressed to other immortals in +some remote sphere. + + I'll read passages to you. This book will never be published + --in fact it couldn't be, because it would be felony . . . Paine + enjoys it, but Paine is going to be damned one of these days, I + suppose. + +I very well remember his writing those 'Letters from the Earth'. He read +them to me from time to time as he wrote them, and they were fairly +overflowing with humor and philosophy and satire concerning the human +race. The immortal visitor pointed out, one after another, the +absurdities of mankind, his ridiculous conception of heaven, and his +special conceit in believing that he was the Creator's pet--the +particular form of life for which all the universe was created. Clemens +allowed his exuberant fancy free rein, being under no restrictions as to +the possibility of print or public offense. He enjoyed them himself, +too, as he read them aloud, and we laughed ourselves weak over his bold +imaginings. + +One admissible extract will carry something of the flavor of these +chapters. It is where the celestial correspondent describes man's +religion. + + His heaven is like himself: strange, interesting, astonishing, + grotesque. I give you my word it has not a single feature in it + that he actually values. It consists--utterly and entirely--of + diversions which he cares next to nothing about here in the earth, + yet he is quite sure he will like in heaven. Isn't it curious? + Isn't it interesting? You must not think I am exaggerating, for it + is not so. I will give you the details. + + Most, men do not sing, most men cannot sing, most men will not stay + where others are singing if it be continued more than two hours. + Note that. + + Only about two men in a hundred can play upon a musical instrument, + and not four in a hundred have any wish to learn how. Set that + down. + + Many men pray, not many of them like to do it. A few pray long, the + others make a short-cut. + + More men go to church than want to. + + To forty-nine men in fifty the Sabbath day is a dreary, dreary bore. + + Further, all sane people detest noise. + + All people, sane or insane, like to have variety in their lives. + Monotony quickly wearies them. + + Now then, you have the facts. You know what men don't enjoy. Well, + they have invented a heaven, out of their own heads, all by + themselves; guess what it is like? In fifteen hundred years you + couldn't do it. They have left out the very things they care for + most their dearest pleasures--and replaced them with prayer! + + In man's heaven everybody sings. There are no exceptions. The man + who did not sing on earth sings there; the man who could not sing on + earth sings there. Thus universal singing is not casual, not + occasional, not relieved by intervals of quiet; it goes on all day + long and every day during a stretch of twelve hours. And everybody + stays where on earth the place would be empty in two hours. The + singing is of hymns alone. Nay, it is one hymn alone. The words + are always the same in number--they are only about a dozen--there is + no rhyme--there is no poetry. "Hosanna, hosanna, hosanna unto the + highest!" and a few such phrases constitute the whole service. + + Meantime, every person is playing on a harp! Consider the deafening + hurricane of sound. Consider, further, it is a praise service--a + service of compliment, flattery, adulation. Do you ask who it is + that is willing to endure this strange compliment, this insane + compliment, and who not only endures it but likes it, enjoys it, + requires it, commands it? Hold your breath: It is God! This race's + God I mean--their own pet invention. + +Most of the ideas presented in this his last commentary on human +absurdities were new only as to phrasing. He had exhausted the topic +long ago, in one way or another; but it was one of the themes in which he +never lost interest. Many subjects became stale to him at last; but the +curious invention called man remained a novelty to him to the end. + +From my note-book: + + October 25. I am constantly amazed at his knowledge of history--all + history--religious, political, military. He seems to have read + everything in the world concerning Rome, France, and England + particularly. + + Last night we stopped playing billiards while he reviewed, in the + most vivid and picturesque phrasing, the reasons of Rome's decline. + Such a presentation would have enthralled any audience--I could not + help feeling a great pity that he had not devoted some of his public + effort to work of that sort. No one could have equaled him at it. + He concluded with some comments on the possibility of America + following Rome's example, though he thought the vote of the people + would always, or at least for a long period, prevent imperialism. + + November 1. To-day he has been absorbed in his old interest in + shorthand. "It is the only rational alphabet," he declared. "All + this spelling reform is nonsense. What we need is alphabet reform, + and shorthand is the thing. Take the letter M, for instance; it is + made with one stroke in shorthand, while in longhand it requires at + least three. The word Mephistopheles can be written in shorthand + with one-sixth the number of strokes that is required in longhand. + I tell you shorthand should be adopted as the alphabet." + + I said: "There is this objection: the characters are so slightly + different that each writer soon forms a system of his own and it is + seldom that two can read each other's notes." + + "You are talking of stenographic reporting," he said, rather warmly. + "Nothing of the kind is true in the case of the regular alphabet. + It is perfectly clear and legible." + + "Would you have it in the schools, then?" + + "Yes, it should be taught in the schools, not for stenographic + purposes, but only for use in writing to save time." + + He was very much in earnest, and said he had undertaken an article + on the subject. + + November 3. He said he could not sleep last night, for thinking + what a fool he had been in his various investments. + + "I have always been the victim of somebody," he said, "and always an + idiot myself, doing things that even a child would not do. Never + asking anybody's advice--never taking it when it was offered. I + can't see how anybody could do the things I have done and have kept + right on doing." + I could see that the thought agitated him, and I suggested that we + go to his room and read, which we did, and had a riotous time over + the most recent chapters of the 'Letters from the Earth', and some + notes he had made for future chapters on infant damnation and other + distinctive features of orthodox creeds. He told an anecdote of an + old minister who declared that Presbyterianism without infant + damnation would be like the dog on the train that couldn't be + identified because it had lost its tag. + + Somewhat on the defensive I said, "But we must admit that the so- + called Christian nations are the most enlightened and progressive." + + He answered, "Yes, but in spite of their religion, not because of + it. The Church has opposed every innovation and discovery from the + day of Galileo down to our own time, when the use of anesthetics in + child-birth was regarded as a sin because it avoided the biblical + curse pronounced against Eve. And every step in astronomy and + geology ever taken has been opposed by bigotry and superstition. + The Greeks surpassed us in artistic culture and in architecture five + hundred years before the Christian religion was born. + + "I have been reading Gibbon's celebrated Fifteenth Chapter," he said + later, "and I don't see what Christians found against it. It is so + mild--so gentle in its sarcasm." He added that he had been reading + also a little book of brief biographies and had found in it the + saying of Darwin's father, "Unitarianism is a featherbed to catch + falling Christians." + + "I was glad to find and identify that saying," he said; "it is so + good." + + He finished the evening by reading a chapter from Carlyle's French + Revolution--a fine pyrotechnic passage--the gathering at Versailles. + I said that Carlyle somehow reminded me of a fervid stump-speaker + who pounded his fists and went at his audience fiercely, determined + to convince them. + + "Yes," he said, "but he is the best one that ever lived." + + November 10. This morning early he heard me stirring and called. I + went in and found him propped up with a book, as usual. He said: + + "I seldom read Christmas stories, but this is very beautiful. It + has made me cry. I want you to read it." (It was Booth + Tarkington's 'Beasley's Christmas Party'.) "Tarkington has the true + touch," he said; "his work always satisfies me." Another book he + has been reading with great enjoyment is James Branch Cabell's + Chivalry. He cannot say enough of the subtle poetic art with which + Cabell has flung the light of romance about dark and sordid chapters + of history. + + + + +CCLXXVII + +MARK TWAIN'S READING + +Perhaps here one may speak of Mark Twain's reading in general. On the +table by him, and on his bed, and in the billiard-room shelves he kept +the books he read most. They were not many--not more than a dozen--but +they were manifestly of familiar and frequent usage. All, or nearly all, +had annotations--spontaneously uttered marginal notes, title prefatories, +or concluding comments. They were the books he had read again and again, +and it was seldom that he had not had something to say with each fresh +reading. + +There were the three big volumes by Saint-Simon--'The Memoirs'--which he +once told me he had read no less than twenty times. On the fly-leaf of +the first volume he wrote-- + +This, & Casanova & Pepys, set in parallel columns, could afford a good +coup d'oeil of French & English high life of that epoch. + +All through those finely printed volumes are his commentaries, sometimes +no more than a word, sometimes a filled, closely written margin. He +found little to admire in the human nature of Saint-Simon's period +--little to approve in Saint-Simon himself beyond his unrestrained +frankness, which he admired without stint, and in one paragraph where the +details of that early period are set down with startling fidelity he +wrote: "Oh, incomparable Saint-Simon!" + +Saint-Simon is always frank, and Mark Twain was equally so. Where the +former tells one of the unspeakable compulsions of Louis XIV., the latter +has commented: + +We have to grant that God made this royal hog; we may also be permitted +to believe that it was a crime to do so. + +And on another page: + +In her memories of this period the Duchesse de St. Clair makes this +striking remark: "Sometimes one could tell a gentleman, but it was only +by his manner of using his fork." + +His comments on the orthodox religion of Saint-Simon's period are not +marked by gentleness. Of the author's reference to the Edict of Nantes, +which he says depopulated half of the realm, ruined its commerce, and +"authorized torments and punishments by which so many innocent people of +both sexes were killed by thousands," Clemens writes: + +So much blood has been shed by the Church because of an omission from the +Gospel: "Ye shall be indifferent as to what your neighbor's religion is." +Not merely tolerant of it, but indifferent to it. Divinity is claimed +for many religions; but no religion is great enough or divine enough to +add that new law to its code. + +In the place where Saint-Simon describes the death of Monseigneur, son of +the king, and the court hypocrites are wailing their extravagantly +pretended sorrow, Clemens wrote: + +It is all so true, all so human. God made these animals. He must have +noticed this scene; I wish I knew how it struck Him. + +There were not many notes in the Suetonius, nor in the Carlyle +Revolution, though these were among the volumes he read oftenest. Perhaps +they expressed for him too completely and too richly their subject-matter +to require anything at his hand. Here and there are marked passages and +occasional cross-references to related history and circumstance. + +There was not much room for comment on the narrow margins of the old copy +of Pepys, which he had read steadily since the early seventies; but here +and there a few crisp words, and the underscoring and marked passages are +plentiful enough to convey his devotion to that quaint record which, +perhaps next to Suetonius, was the book he read and quoted most. + +Francis Parkman's Canadian Histories he had read periodically, especially +the story of the Old Regime and of the Jesuits in North America. As late +as January, 1908, he wrote on the title-page of the Old Regime: + +Very interesting. It tells how people religiously and otherwise insane +came over from France and colonized Canada. + +He was not always complimentary to those who undertook to Christianize +the Indians; but he did not fail to write his admiration of their +courage--their very willingness to endure privation and even the fiendish +savage tortures for the sake of their faith. "What manner of men are +these?" he wrote, apropos of the account of Bressani, who had undergone +the most devilish inflictions which savage ingenuity could devise, and +yet returned maimed and disfigured the following spring to "dare again +the knives and fiery brand of the Iroquois." Clemens was likely to be on +the side of the Indians, but hardly in their barbarism. In one place he +wrote: + + That men should be willing to leave their happy homes and endure + what the missionaries endured in order to teach these Indians the + road to hell would be rational, understandable, but why they should + want to teach them a way to heaven is a thing which the mind somehow + cannot grasp. + +Other histories, mainly English and French, showed how he had read them +--read and digested every word and line. There were two volumes of +Lecky, much worn; Andrew D. White's 'Science and Theology'--a chief +interest for at least one summer--and among the collection a well-worn +copy of 'Modern English Literature--Its Blemishes and Defects', by Henry +H. Breen. On the title-page of this book Clemens had written: + + HARTFORD, 1876. Use with care, for it is a scarce book. England + had to be ransacked in order to get it--or the bookseller speaketh + falsely. + +He once wrote a paper for the Saturday Morning Club, using for his text +examples of slipshod English which Breen had noted. + +Clemens had a passion for biography, and especially for autobiography, +diaries, letters, and such intimate human history. Greville's 'Journal +of the Reigns of George IV. and William IV.' he had read much and +annotated freely. Greville, while he admired Byron's talents, abhorred +the poet's personality, and in one place condemns him as a vicious person +and a debauchee. He adds: + +Then he despises pretenders and charlatans of all sorts, while he is +himself a pretender, as all men are who assume a character which does not +belong to them and affect to be something which they are all the time +conscious they are not in reality. + +Clemens wrote on the margin: + + But, dear sir, you are forgetting that what a man sees in the human + race is merely himself in the deep and honest privacy of his own + heart. Byron despised the race because he despised himself. I feel + as Byron did, and for the same reason. Do you admire the race (& + consequently yourself)? + +A little further along--where Greville laments that Byron can take no +profit to himself from the sinful characters he depicts so faithfully, +Clemens commented: + + If Byron--if any man--draws 50 characters, they are all himself--50 + shades, 50 moods, of his own character. And when the man draws them + well why do they stir my admiration? Because they are me--I + recognize myself. + +A volume of Plutarch was among the biographies that showed usage, and the +Life of P. T. Barnum, Written by Himself. Two Years Before the Mast he +loved, and never tired of. The more recent Memoirs of Andrew D. White +and Moncure D. Conway both, I remember, gave him enjoyment, as did the +Letters of Lowell. A volume of the Letters of Madame de Sevigne had some +annotated margins which were not complimentary to the translator, or for +that matter to Sevigne herself, whom he once designates as a "nauseating" +person, many of whose letters had been uselessly translated, as well as +poorly arranged for reading. But he would read any volume of letters or +personal memoirs; none were too poor that had the throb of life in them, +however slight. + +Of such sort were the books that Mark Twain had loved best, and such were +a few of his words concerning them. Some of them belong to his earlier +reading, and among these is Darwin's 'Descent of Man', a book whose +influence was always present, though I believe he did not read it any +more in later years. In the days I knew him he read steadily not much +besides Suetonius and Pepys and Carlyle. These and his simple +astronomies and geologies and the Morte Arthure and the poems of Kipling +were seldom far from his hand. + + + + +CCLXXXVIII + +A BERMUDA BIRTHDAY + +It was the middle of November, 1909, when Clemens decided to take another +Bermuda vacation, and it was the 19th that we sailed. I went to New York +a day ahead and arranged matters, and on the evening of the 18th received +the news that Richard Watson Gilder had suddenly died. + +Next morning there was other news. Clemens's old friend, William M. +Laffan, of the Sun, had died while undergoing a surgical operation. I +met Clemens at the train. He had already heard about Gilder; but he had +not yet learned of Laffan's death. He said: + +"That's just it. Gilder and Laffan get all the good things that come +along and I never get anything." + +Then, suddenly remembering, he added: + +"How curious it is! I have been thinking of Laffan coming down on the +train, and mentally writing a letter to him on this Stetson-Eddy affair." + +I asked when he had begun thinking of Laffan. + +He said: "Within the hour." + +It was within the hour that I had received the news, and naturally in my +mind had carried it instantly to him. Perhaps there was something +telepathic in it. + +He was not at all ill going down to Bermuda, which was a fortunate thing, +for the water was rough and I was quite disqualified. We did not even +discuss astronomy, though there was what seemed most important news--the +reported discovery of a new planet. + +But there was plenty of talk on the subject as soon as we got settled in +the Hamilton Hotel. It was windy and rainy out-of-doors, and we looked +out on the drenched semi-tropical foliage with a great bamboo swaying and +bending in the foreground, while he speculated on the vast distance that +the new planet must lie from our sun, to which it was still a satellite. +The report had said that it was probably four hundred billions of miles +distant, and that on this far frontier of the solar system the sun could +not appear to it larger than the blaze of a tallow candle. To us it was +wholly incredible how, in that dim remoteness, it could still hold true +to the central force and follow at a snail-pace, yet with unvarying +exactitude, its stupendous orbit. Clemens said that heretofore Neptune, +the planetary outpost of our system, had been called the tortoise of the +skies, but that comparatively it was rapid in its motion, and had become +a near neighbor. He was a good deal excited at first, having somehow the +impression that this new planet traveled out beyond the nearest fixed +star; but then he remembered that the distance to that first solar +neighbor was estimated in trillions, not billions, and that our little +system, even with its new additions, was a child's handbreadth on the +plane of the sky. He had brought along a small book called The Pith of +Astronomy--a fascinating little volume--and he read from it about the +great tempest of fire in the sun, where the waves of flame roll up two +thousand miles high, though the sun itself is such a tiny star in the +deeps of the universe. + +If I dwell unwarrantably on this phase of Mark Twain's character, it is +because it was always so fascinating to me, and the contemplation of the +drama of the skies always meant so much to him, and somehow always seemed +akin to him in its proportions. He had been born under a flaming star, a +wanderer of the skies. He was himself, to me, always a comet rushing +through space, from mystery to mystery, regardless of sun and systems. It +is not likely to rain long in Bermuda, and when the sun comes back it +brings summer, whatever the season. Within a day after our arrival we +were driving about those coral roads along the beaches, and by that +marvelously variegated water. We went often to the south shore, +especially to Devonshire Bay, where the reefs and the sea coloring seem +more beautiful than elsewhere. Usually, when we reached the bay, we got +out to walk along the indurated shore, stopping here and there to look +out over the jeweled water liquid turquoise, emerald lapis-lazuli, jade, +the imperial garment of the Lord. + +At first we went alone with only the colored driver, Clifford Trott, +whose name Clemens could not recollect, though he was always attempting +resemblances with ludicrous results. A little later Helen Allen, an +early angel-fish member already mentioned, was with us and directed the +drives, for she had been born on the island and knew every attractive +locality, though, for that matter, it would be hard to find there a place +that was not attractive. + +Clemens, in fact, remained not many days regularly at the hotel. He kept +a room and his wardrobe there; but he paid a visit to Bay House--the +lovely and quiet home of Helen's parents--and prolonged it from day to +day, and from week to week, because it was a quiet and peaceful place +with affectionate attention and limitless welcome. Clifford Trott had +orders to come with the carriage each afternoon, and we drove down to Bay +House for Mark Twain and his playmate, and then went wandering at will +among the labyrinth of blossom-bordered, perfectly kept roadways of a +dainty paradise, that never, I believe, becomes quite a reality even to +those who know it best. + +Clemens had an occasional paroxysm during these weeks, but they were not +likely to be severe or protracted; and I have no doubt the peace of his +surroundings, the remoteness from disturbing events, as well as the balmy +temperature, all contributed to his improved condition. + +He talked pretty continuously during these drives, and he by no means +restricted his subjects to juvenile matters. He discussed history and +his favorite sciences and philosophies, and I am sure that his drift was +rarely beyond the understanding of his young companion, for it was Mark +Twain's gift to phrase his thought so that it commanded not only the +respect of age, but the comprehension and the interest of youth. I +remember that once he talked, during an afternoon's drive, on the French +Revolution and the ridiculous episode of Anacharsis Cloots, "orator and +advocate of the human race," collecting the vast populace of France to +swear allegiance to a king even then doomed to the block. The very name +of Cloots suggested humor, and nothing could have been more delightful +and graphic than the whole episode as he related it. Helen asked if he +thought such a thing as that could ever happen in America. + +"No," he said, "the American sense of humor would have laughed it out of +court in a week; and the Frenchman dreads ridicule, too, though he never +seems to realize how ridiculous he is--the most ridiculous creature in +the world." + +On the morning of his seventy-fourth birthday he was looking wonderfully +well after a night of sound sleep, his face full of color and freshness, +his eyes bright and keen and full of good-humor. I presented him with a +pair of cuff-buttons silver-enameled with the Bermuda lily, and I thought +he seemed pleased with them. + +It was rather gloomy outside, so we remained indoors by the fire and +played cards, game after game of hearts, at which he excelled, and he was +usually kept happy by winning. There were no visitors, and after dinner +Helen asked him to read some of her favorite episodes from Tom Sawyer, so +he read the whitewashing scene, Peter and the Pain-killer, and such +chapters until tea-time. Then there was a birthday cake, and afterward +cigars and talk and a quiet fireside evening. + +Once, in the course of his talk, he forgot a word and denounced his poor +memory: + +"I'll forget the Lord's middle name some time," he declared, "right in +the midst of a storm, when I need all the help I can get." + +Later he said: + +"Nobody dreamed, seventy-four years ago to-day, that I would be in +Bermuda now." And I thought he meant a good deal more than the words +conveyed. + +It was during this Bermuda visit that Mark Twain added the finishing +paragraph to his article, "The Turning-Point in My Life," which, at +Howells's suggestion, he had been preparing for Harper's Bazar. It was a +characteristic touch, and, as the last summary of his philosophy of human +life, may be repeated here. + + Necessarily the scene of the real turning-point of my life (and of + yours) was the Garden of Eden. It was there that the first link was + forged of the chain that was ultimately to lead to the emptying of + me into the literary guild. Adam's temperament was the first + command the Deity ever issued to a human being on this planet. And + it was the only command Adam would never be able to disobey. It + said, "Be weak, be water, be characterless, be cheaply persuadable." + The later command, to let the fruit alone, was certain to be + disobeyed. Not by Adam himself, but by his temperament--which he + did not create and had no authority over. For the temperament is + the man; the thing tricked out with clothes and named Man is merely + its Shadow, nothing more. The law of the tiger's temperament is, + Thou shaft kill; the law of the sheep's temperament is, Thou shalt + not kill. To issue later commands requiring the tiger to let the + fat stranger alone, and requiring the sheep to imbrue its hands in + the blood of the lion is not worth while, for those commands can't + be obeyed. They would invite to violations of the law of + temperament, which is supreme, and takes precedence of all other + authorities. I cannot help feeling disappointed in Adam and Eve. + That is, in their temperaments. Not in them, poor helpless young + creatures--afflicted with temperaments made out of butter, which + butter was commanded to get into contact with fire and be melted. + What I cannot help wishing is, that Adam and Eve had been postponed, + and Martin Luther and Joan of Arc put in their place--that splendid + pair equipped with temperaments not made of butter, but of asbestos. + By neither sugary persuasions nor by hell-fire could Satan have + beguiled them to eat the apple. + + There would have been results! Indeed yes. The apple would be + intact to-day; there would be no human race; there would be no you; + there would be no me. And the old, old creation-dawn scheme of + ultimately launching me into the literary guild would have been + defeated. + + + + +CCLXXXIX + +THE DEATH OF JEAN + +He decided to go home for the holidays, and how fortunate it seems now +that he did so! We sailed for America on the 18th of December, arriving +the 21st. Jean was at the wharf to meet us, blue and shivering with the +cold, for it was wretchedly bleak there, and I had the feeling that she +should not have come. + +She went directly, I think, to Stormfield, he following a day or two +later. On the 23d I was lunching with Jean alone. She was full of +interest in her Christmas preparations. She had a handsome tree set up +in the loggia, and the packages were piled about it, with new ones +constantly arriving. With her farm management, her housekeeping, her +secretary work, and her Christmas preparations, it seemed to me that she +had her hands overfull. Such a mental pressure could not be good for +her. I suggested that for a time at least I might assume a part of her +burden. + +I was to remain at my own home that night, and I think it was as I left +Stormfield that I passed jean on the stair. She said, cheerfully, that +she felt a little tired and was going up to lie down, so that she would +be fresh for the evening. I did not go back, and I never saw her alive +again. + +I was at breakfast next morning when word was brought in that one of the +men from Stormfield was outside and wished to see me immediately. When I +went out he said: "Miss Jean is dead. They have just found her in her +bath-room. Mr. Clemens sent me to bring you." + +It was as incomprehensible as such things always are. I could not +realize at all that Jean, so full of plans and industries and action less +than a day before, had passed into that voiceless mystery which we call +death. + +Harry Iles drove me rapidly up the hill. As I entered Clemens's room he +looked at me helplessly and said: + +"Well, I suppose you have heard of this final disaster." + +He was not violent or broken down with grief. He had come to that place +where, whatever the shock or the ill-turn of fortune, he could accept it, +and even in that first moment of loss he realized that, for Jean at +least, the fortune was not ill. Her malady had never been cured, and it +had been one of his deepest dreads that he would leave her behind him. It +was believed, at first; that Jean had drowned, and Dr. Smith tried +methods of resuscitation; but then he found that it was simply a case of +heart cessation caused by the cold shock of her bath. + +The Gabrilowitsches were by this time in Europe, and Clemens cabled them +not to come. Later in the day he asked me if we would be willing to +close our home for the winter and come to Stormfield. He said that he +should probably go back to Bermuda before long; but that he wished to +keep the house open so that it would be there for him to come to at any +time that he might need it. + +We came, of course, for there was no thought among any of his friends but +for his comfort and peace of mind. Jervis Langdon was summoned from +Elmira, for Jean would lie there with the others. + +In the loggia stood the half-trimmed Christmas tree, and all about lay +the packages of gifts, and in Jean's room, on the chairs and upon her +desk, were piled other packages. Nobody had been forgotten. For her +father she had bought a handsome globe; he had always wanted one. Once +when I went into his room he said: + +"I have been looking in at Jean and envying her. I have never greatly +envied any one but the dead. I always envy the dead." + +He told me how the night before they had dined together alone; how he had +urged her to turn over a part of her work to me; how she had clung to +every duty as if now, after all the years, she was determined to make up +for lost time. + +While they were at dinner a telephone inquiry had come concerning his +health, for the papers had reported him as returning from Bermuda in a +critical condition. He had written this playful answer: + + MANAGER ASSOCIATED PRESS, + New York. + + I hear the newspapers say I am dying. The charge is not true. I + would not do such a thing at my time of life. I am behaving as good + as I can. + + Merry Christmas to everybody! MARK TWAIN. + +Jean telephoned it for him to the press. It had been the last secretary +service she had ever rendered. + +She had kissed his hand, he said, when they parted, for she had a severe +cold and would not wish to impart it to him; then happily she had said +good night, and he had not seen her again. The reciting of this was good +to him, for it brought the comfort of tears. + +Later, when I went in again, he was writing: + +"I am setting it down," he said--"everything. It is a relief to me to +write it. It furnishes me an excuse for thinking." + +He continued writing most of the day, and at intervals during the next +day, and the next. + +It was on Christmas Day that they went with Jean on her last journey. +Katie Leary, her baby nurse, had dressed her in the dainty gown which she +had worn for Clara's wedding, and they had pinned on it a pretty buckle +which her father had brought her from Bermuda, and which she had not +seen. No Greek statue was ever more classically beautiful than she was, +lying there in the great living-room, which in its brief history had seen +so much of the round of life. + +They were to start with jean at about six o'clock, and a little before +that time Clemens (he was unable to make the journey) asked me what had +been her favorite music. I said that she seemed always to care most for +the Schubert Impromptu.--[Op. 142, No. 2.]--Then he said: + +"Play it when they get ready to leave with her, and add the Intermezzo +for Susy and the Largo for Mrs. Clemens. When I hear the music I shall +know that they are starting. Tell them to set lanterns at the door, so I +can look down and see them go." + +So I sat at the organ and began playing as they lifted and bore her away. +A soft, heavy snow was falling, and the gloom of those shortest days was +closing in. There was not the least wind or noise, the whole world was +muffled. The lanterns at the door threw their light out on the thickly +falling flakes. I remained at the organ; but the little group at the +door saw him come to the window above--the light on his white hair as he +stood mournfully gazing down, watching Jean going away from him for the +last time. I played steadily on as he had instructed, the Impromptu, the +Intermezzo from "Cavalleria," and Handel's Largo. When I had finished I +went up and found him. + +"Poor little Jean," he said; "but for her it is so good to go." + +In his own story of it he wrote: + + From my windows I saw the hearse and the carriages wind along the + road and gradually grow vague and spectral in the falling snow, and + presently disappear. Jean was gone out of my life, and would not + come back any more. The cousin she had played with when they were + babies together--he and her beloved old Katie--Were conducting her + to her distant childhood home, where she will lie by her mother's + side once more, in the company of Susy and Langdon. + +He did not come down to dinner, and when I went up afterward I found him +curiously agitated. He said: + +"For one who does not believe in spirits I have had a most peculiar +experience. I went into the bath-room just now and closed the door. You +know how warm it always is in there, and there are no draughts. All at +once I felt a cold current of air about me. I thought the door must be +open; but it was closed. I said, 'Jean, is this you trying to let me +know you have found the others?' Then the cold air was gone." + +I saw that the incident had made a very great impression upon him; but I +don't remember that he ever mentioned it afterward. + +Next day the storm had turned into a fearful blizzard; the whole hilltop +was a raging, driving mass of white. He wrote most of the day, but +stopped now and then to read some of the telegrams or letters of +condolence which came flooding in. Sometimes he walked over to the +window to look out on the furious tempest. Once, during the afternoon, +he said: + +"Jean always so loved to see a storm like this, and just now at Elmira +they are burying her." + +Later he read aloud some lines by Alfred Austin, which Mrs. Crane had +sent him lines which he had remembered in the sorrow for Susy: + + When last came sorrow, around barn and byre + Wind-careen snow, the year's white sepulchre, lay. + "Come in," I said, "and warm you by the fire"; + And there she sits and never goes away. + +It was that evening that he came into the room where Mrs. Paine and I sat +by the fire, bringing his manuscript. + +"I have finished my story of Jean's death," he said. "It is the end of +my autobiography. I shall never write any more. I can't judge it myself +at all. One of you read it aloud to the other, and let me know what you +think of it. If it is worthy, perhaps some day it may be published." + +It was, in fact, one of the most exquisite and tender pieces of writing +in the language. He had ended his literary labors with that perfect +thing which so marvelously speaks the loftiness and tenderness of his +soul. It was thoroughly in keeping with his entire career that he +should, with this rare dramatic touch, bring it to a close. A paragraph +which he omitted may be printed now: + + December 27. Did I know jean's value? No, I only thought I did. + I knew a ten-thousandth fraction of it, that was all. It is always + so, with us, it has always been so. We are like the poor ignorant + private soldier-dead, now, four hundred years--who picked up the + great Sancy diamond on the field of the lost battle and sold it for + a franc. Later he knew what he had done. + + Shall I ever be cheerful again, happy again? Yes. And soon. For + I know my temperament. And I know that the temperament is master of + the man, and that he is its fettered and helpless slave and must in + all things do as it commands. A man's temperament is born in him, + and no circumstances can ever change it. + + My temperament has never allowed my spirits to remain depressed long + at a time. + + That was a feature of Jean's temperament, too. She inherited it + from me. I think she got the rest of it from her mother. + +Jean Clemens had two natural endowments: the gift of justice and a +genuine passion for all nature. In a little paper found in her desk she +had written: + + I know a few people who love the country as I do, but not many. + Most of my acquaintances are enthusiastic over the spring and summer + months, but very few care much for it the year round. A few people + are interested in the spring foliage and the development of the wild + flowers--nearly all enjoy the autumn colors--while comparatively few + pay much attention to the coming and going of the birds, the changes + in their plumage and songs, the apparent springing into life on some + warm April day of the chipmunks and woodchucks, the skurrying of + baby rabbits, and again in the fall the equally sudden disappearance + of some of the animals and the growing shyness of others. To me it + is all as fascinating as a book--more so, since I have never lost + interest in it. + +It is simple and frank, like Thoreau. Perhaps, had she exercised it, +there was a third gift--the gift of written thought. + +Clemens remained at Stormfield ten days after Jean was gone. The weather +was fiercely cold, the landscape desolate, the house full of tragedy. He +kept pretty closely to his room, where he had me bring the heaps of +letters, a few of which he answered personally; for the others he +prepared a simple card of acknowledgment. He was for the most part in +gentle mood during these days, though he would break out now and then, +and rage at the hardness of a fate that had laid an unearned burden of +illness on Jean and shadowed her life. + +They were days not wholly without humor--none of his days could be +altogether without that, though it was likely to be of a melancholy sort. + +Many of the letters offered orthodox comfort, saying, in effect: "God +does not willingly punish us." + +When he had read a number of these he said: + +"Well, why does He do it then? We don't invite it. Why does He give +Himself the trouble?" + +I suggested that it was a sentiment that probably gave comfort to the +writer of it. + +"So it does," he said, "and I am glad of it--glad of anything that gives +comfort to anybody." + +He spoke of the larger God--the God of the great unvarying laws, and by +and by dropped off to sleep, quite peacefully, and indeed peace came more +and more to him each day with the thought that Jean and Susy and their +mother could not be troubled any more. To Mrs. Gabrilowitsch he wrote: + + REDDING, CONN, December 29, 1909. + + O, Clara, Clara dear, I am so glad she is out of it & safe--safe! + + I am not melancholy; I shall never be melancholy again, I think. + + You see, I was in such distress when I came to realize that you were + gone far away & no one stood between her & danger but me--& I could + die at any moment, & then--oh then what would become of her! For + she was wilful, you know, & would not have been governable. + + You can't imagine what a darling she was that last two or three + days; & how fine, & good, & sweet, & noble--& joyful, thank Heaven! + --& how intellectually brilliant. I had never been acquainted with + Jean before. I recognized that. + + But I mustn't try to write about her--I can't. I have already + poured my heart out with the pen, recording that last day or two. + I will send you that--& you must let no one but Ossip read it. + + Good-by. I love you so! And Ossip. + FATHER. + + + + +CCXC + +THE RETURN TO BERMUDA + +I don't think he attempted any further writing for print. His mind was +busy with ideas, but he was willing to talk, rather than to write, rather +even than to play billiards, it seemed, although we had a few quiet +games--the last we should ever play together. Evenings he asked for +music, preferring the Scotch airs, such as "Bonnie Doon" and "The +Campbells are Coming." I remember that once, after playing the latter +for him, he told, with great feeling, how the Highlanders, led by Gen. +Colin Campbell, had charged at Lucknow, inspired by that stirring air. +When he had retired I usually sat with him, and he drifted into +literature, or theology, or science, or history--the story of the +universe and man. + +One evening he spoke of those who had written but one immortal thing and +stopped there. He mentioned "Ben Bolt." + +"I met that man once," he said. "In my childhood I sang 'Sweet Alice, +Ben Bolt,' and in my old age, fifteen years ago, I met the man who wrote +it. His name was Brown.--[Thomas Dunn English. Mr. Clemens apparently +remembered only the name satirically conferred upon him by Edgar Allan +Poe, "Thomas Dunn Brown."]--He was aged, forgotten, a mere memory. I +remember how it thrilled me to realize that this was the very author of +'Sweet Alice, Ben Bolt.' He was just an accident. He had a vision and +echoed it. A good many persons do that--the thing they do is to put in +compact form the thing which we have all vaguely felt. 'Twenty Years +Ago' is just like it 'I have wandered through the village, Tom, and sat +beneath the tree'--and Holmes's 'Last Leaf' is another: the memory of the +hallowed past, and the gravestones of those we love. It is all so +beautiful--the past is always beautiful." + +He quoted, with great feeling and effect: + + The massy marbles rest + On the lips that we have pressed + In their bloom, + And the names we love to hear + Have been carved for many a year + On the tomb. + +He continued in this strain for an hour or more. He spoke of humor, and +thought it must be one of the chief attributes of God. He cited plants +and animals that were distinctly humorous in form and in their +characteristics. These he declared were God's jokes. + +"Why," he said, "humor is mankind's greatest blessing." + +"Your own case is an example," I answered. "Without it, whatever your +reputation as a philosopher, you could never have had the wide-spread +affection that is shown by the writers of that great heap of letters." + +"Yes," he said, gently, "they have liked to be amused." + +I tucked him in for the night, promising to send him to Bermuda, with +Claude to take care of him, if he felt he could undertake the journey in +two days more. + +He was able, and he was eager to go, for he longed for that sunny island, +and for the quiet peace of the Allen home. His niece, Mrs. Loomis, came +up to spend the last evening in Stormfield, a happy evening full of quiet +talk, and next morning, in the old closed carriage that had been his +wedding-gift, he was driven to the railway station. This was on January +4, 1910. + +He was to sail next day, and that night, at Mr. Loomis's, Howells came +in, and for an hour or two they reviewed some of the questions they had +so long ago settled, or left forever unsettled, and laid away. I +remember that at dinner Clemens spoke of his old Hartford butler, George, +and how he had once brought George to New York and introduced him at the +various publishing houses as his friend, with curious and sometimes +rather embarrassing results. + +The talk drifted to sociology and to the labor-unions, which Clemens +defended as being the only means by which the workman could obtain +recognition of his rights. + +Howells in his book mentions this evening, which he says "was made +memorable to me by the kind, clear, judicial sense with which he +explained and justified the labor-unions as the sole present help of the +weak against the strong." + +They discussed dreams, and then in a little while Howells rose to go. I +went also, and as we walked to his near-by apartment he spoke of Mark +Twain's supremacy. He said: + +"I turn to his books for cheer when I am down-hearted. There was never +anybody like him; there never will be." + +Clemens sailed next morning. They did not meet again. + + + + +CCXCI + +LETTERS FROM BERMUDA + +Stormfield was solemn and empty without Mark Twain; but he wrote by every +steamer, at first with his own hand, and during the last week by the hand +of one of his enlisted secretaries--some member of the Allen family +usually Helen. His letters were full of brightness and pleasantry +--always concerned more or less with business matters, though he was no +longer disturbed by them, for Bermuda was too peaceful and too far away, +and, besides, he had faith in the Mark Twain Company's ability to look +after his affairs. I cannot do better, I believe, than to offer some +portions of these letters here. + +He reached Bermuda on the 7th of January, 1910, and on the 12th he wrote: + + Again I am living the ideal life. There is nothing to mar it but + the bloody-minded bandit Arthur,--[A small playmate of Helen's of + whom Clemens pretended to be fiercely jealous. Once he wrote a + memorandum to Helen: "Let Arthur read this book. There is a page in + it that is poisoned."]--who still fetches and carries Helen. + Presently he will be found drowned. Claude comes to Bay House twice + a day to see if I need any service. He is invaluable. There was a + military lecture last night at the Officers' Mess Prospect; as the + lecturer honored me with a special urgent invitation, and said he + wanted to lecture to me particularly, I naturally took Helen and her + mother into the private carriage and went. + + As soon as we landed at the door with the crowd the Governor came to + me& was very cordial. I "met up" with that charming Colonel Chapman + [we had known him on the previous visit] and other officers of the + regiment & had a good time. + +A few days later he wrote: + + Thanks for your letter & for its contenting news of the situation in + that foreign & far-off & vaguely remembered country where you & + Loomis & Lark and other beloved friends are. + + I had a letter from Clara this morning. She is solicitous & wants + me well & watchfully taken care of. My, my, she ought to see Helen + & her parents & Claude administer that trust. Also she says, "I + hope to hear from you or Mr. Paine very soon." + + I am writing her & I know you will respond to your part of her + prayer. She is pretty desolate now after Jean's emancipation--the + only kindness that God ever did that poor, unoffending child in all + her hard life. + + Send Clara a copy of Howells's gorgeous letter. + +The "gorgeous letter" mentioned was an appreciation of his recent Bazar +article, "The Turning-Point in My Life," and here follows: + + January 18, 1910. + + DEAR CLEMENS,--While your wonderful words are warm in my mind yet I + want to tell you what you know already: that you never wrote + anything greater, finer, than that turning-point paper of yours. + + I shall feel it honor enough if they put on my tombstone "He was + born in the same century and general section of Middle Western + country with Dr. S. L. Clemens, Oxon., and had his degree three + years before him through a mistake of the University." + + I hope you are worse. You will never be riper for a purely + intellectual life, and it is a pity to have you lagging along with a + worn-out material body on top of your soul. + + Yours ever, + W. D. HOWELLS. + +On the margin of this letter Clemens had written: + + I reckon this spontaneous outburst from the first critic of the day + is good to keep, ain't it, Paine? + +January 24th he wrote again of his contentment: + + Life continues here the same as usual. There isn't a fault in it + --good times, good home, tranquil contentment all day & every day + without a break. I know familiarly several very satisfactory people + & meet them frequently: Mr. Hamilton, the Sloanes, Mr. & Mrs. Fells, + Miss Waterman, & so on. I shouldn't know how to go about bettering + my situation. + +On February 5th he wrote that the climate and condition of his health +might require him to stay in Bermuda pretty continuously, but that he +wished Stormfield kept open so that he might come to it at any time. And +he added: + + Yesterday Mr. Allen took us on an excursion in Mr. Hamilton's big + motor-boat. Present: Mrs. Allen, Mr. & Mrs. & Miss Sloane, Helen, + Mildred Howells, Claude, & me. Several hours' swift skimming over + ravishing blue seas, a brilliant sun; also a couple of hours of + picnicking & lazying under the cedars in a secluded place. + + The Orotava is arriving with 260 passengers--I shall get letters by + her, no doubt. + + P. S.--Please send me the Standard Unabridged that is on the table in + my bedroom. I have no dictionary here. + +There is no mention in any of these letters of his trouble; but he was +having occasional spasms of pain, though in that soft climate they would +seem to have come with less frequency, and there was so little to disturb +him, and much that contributed to his peace. Among the callers at the +Bay House to see him was Woodrow Wilson, and the two put in some pleasant +hours at miniature golf, "putting" on the Allen lawn. Of course a +catastrophe would come along now and then--such things could not always +be guarded against. In a letter toward the end of February he wrote: + It is 2.30 in the morning & I am writing because I can't sleep. + I can't sleep because a professional pianist is coming to-morrow + afternoon to play for me. My God! I wouldn't allow Paderewski or + Gabrilowitsch to do that. I would rather have a leg amputated. + I knew he was coming, but I never dreamed it was to play for me. + When I heard the horrible news 4 hours ago, be d---d if I didn't + come near screaming. I meant to slip out and be absent, but now I + can't. Don't pray for me. The thing is just as d---d bad as it can + be already. + +Clemens's love for music did not include the piano, except for very +gentle melodies, and he probably did not anticipate these from a +professional player. He did not report the sequel of the matter; but it +is likely that his imagination had discounted its tortures. Sometimes +his letters were pure nonsense. Once he sent a sheet, on one side of +which was written: + + BAY HOUSE, + March s, 1910. + Received of S. L. C. + Two Dollars and Forty Cents + in return for my promise to believe everything he says + hereafter. + HELEN S. ALLEN. + +and on the reverse: + + FOR SALE + + The proprietor of the hereinbefore mentioned Promise desires to part + with it on account of ill health and obliged to go away somewheres + so as to let it recipricate, and will take any reasonable amount for + it above 2 percent of its face because experienced parties think it + will not keep but only a little while in this kind of weather & is a + kind of proppity that don't give a cuss for cold storage nohow. + +Clearly, however serious Mark Twain regarded his physical condition, he +did not allow it to make him gloomy. He wrote that matters were going +everywhere to his satisfaction; that Clara was happy; that his household +and business affairs no longer troubled him; that his personal +surroundings were of the pleasantest sort. Sometimes he wrote of what he +was reading, and once spoke particularly of Prof. William Lyon Phelps's +Literary Essays, which he said he had been unable to lay down until he +had finished the book.--[To Phelps himself he wrote: "I thank you ever so +much for the book, which I find charming--so charming, indeed, that I +read it through in a single night, & did not regret the lost night's +sleep. I am glad if I deserve what you have said about me; & even if I +don't I am proud & well contented, since you think I deserve it."] + +So his days seemed full of comfort. But in March I noticed that he +generally dictated his letters, and once when he sent some small +photographs I thought he looked thinner and older. Still he kept up his +merriment. In one letter he said: + + While the matter is in my mind I will remark that if you ever send + me another letter which is not paged at the top I will write you + with my own hand, so that I may use with utter freedom & without + embarrassment the kind of words which alone can describe such a + criminal, to wit, - - - -; you will have to put into words those + dashes because propriety will not allow me to do it myself in my + secretary's hearing. You are forgiven, but don't let it occur + again. + +He had still made no mention of his illness; but on the 25th of March he +wrote something of his plans for coming home. He had engaged passage on +the Bermudian for April 23d, he said; and he added: + + But don't tell anybody. I don't want it known. I may have to go + sooner if the pain in my breast does not mend its ways pretty + considerable. I don't want to die here, for this is an unkind place + for a person in that condition. I should have to lie in the + undertaker's cellar until the ship would remove me & it is dark down + there & unpleasant. + + The Colliers will meet me on the pier, & I may stay with them a week + or two before going home. It all depends on the breast pain. I + don't want to die there. I am growing more and more particular + about the place. + +But in the same letter he spoke of plans for the summer, suggesting that +we must look into the magic-lantern possibilities, so that library +entertainments could be given at Stormfield. I confess that this letter, +in spite of its light tone, made me uneasy, and I was tempted to sail for +Bermuda to bring him home. Three days later he wrote again: + + I have been having a most uncomfortable time for the past four days + with that breast pain, which turns out to be an affection of the + heart, just as I originally suspected. The news from New York is to + the effect that non-bronchial weather has arrived there at last; + therefore, if I can get my breast trouble in traveling condition I + may sail for home a week or two earlier than has been proposed. + +The same mail that brought this brought a letter from Mr. Allen, who +frankly stated that matters had become very serious indeed. Mr. Clemens +had had some dangerous attacks, and the physicians considered his +condition critical. + +These letters arrived April 1st. I went to New York at once and sailed +next morning. Before sailing I consulted with Dr. Quintard, who provided +me with some opiates and instructed me in the use of the hypodermic +needle. He also joined me in a cablegram to the Gabrilowitsches, then in +Italy, advising them to sail without delay. + + + + +CCXCII + +THE VOYAGE HOME + +I sent no word to Bermuda that I was coming, and when on the second +morning I arrived at Hamilton, I stepped quickly ashore from the tender +and hurried to Bay House. The doors were all open, as they usually are +in that summer island, and no one was visible. I was familiar with the +place, and, without knocking, I went through to the room occupied by Mark +Twain. As I entered I saw that he was alone, sitting in a large chair, +clad in the familiar dressing-gown. + +Bay House stands upon the water, and the morning light, reflected in at +the window, had an unusual quality. He was not yet shaven, and he seemed +unnaturally pale and gray; certainly he was much thinner. I was too +startled, for the moment, to say anything. When he turned and saw me he +seemed a little dazed. + +"Why," he said, holding out his hand, "you didn't tell us you were +coming." + +"No," I said, "it is rather sudden. I didn't quite like the sound of +your last letters." + +"But those were not serious," he protested. "You shouldn't have come on +my account." + +I said then that I had come on my own account; that I had felt the need +of recreation, and had decided to run down and come home with him. + +"That's--very--good," he said, in his slow, gentle fashion. "Now I'm +glad to see you." + +His breakfast came in and he ate with an appetite. + +When he had been shaved and freshly propped tip in his pillows it seemed +to me, after all, that I must have been mistaken in thinking him so +changed. Certainly he was thinner, but his color was fine, his eyes were +bright; he had no appearance of a man whose life was believed to be in +danger. He told me then of the fierce attacks he had gone through, how +the pains had torn at him, and how it had been necessary for him to have +hypodermic injections, which he amusingly termed "hypnotic injunctions" +and "subcutaneous applications," and he had his humor out of it, as of +course he must have, even though Death should stand there in person. + +From Mr. and Mrs. Allen and from the physician I learned how slender had +been his chances and how uncertain were the days ahead. Mr. Allen had +already engaged passage on the Oceana for the 12th, and the one purpose +now was to get him physically in condition for the trip. + +How devoted those kind friends had been to him! They had devised every +imaginable thing for his comfort. Mr. Allen had rigged an electric bell +which connected with his own room, so that he could be aroused instantly +at any hour of the night. Clemens had refused to have a nurse, for it +was only during the period of his extreme suffering that he needed any +one, and he did not wish to have a nurse always around. When the pains +were gone he was as bright and cheerful, and, seemingly, as well as ever. + +On the afternoon of my arrival we drove out, as formerly, and he +discussed some of the old subjects in quite the old way. He had been +rereading Macaulay, he said, and spoke at considerable length of the +hypocrisy and intrigue of the English court under James II. He spoke, +too, of the Redding Library. I had sold for him that portion of the land +where Jean's farm-house had stood, and it was in his mind to use the +money for some sort of a memorial to Jean. I had written, suggesting +that perhaps he would like to put up a small library building, as the +Adams lot faced the corner where Jean had passed every day when she rode +to the station for the mail. He had been thinking this over, he said, +and wished the idea carried out. He asked me to write at once to his +lawyer, Mr. Lark, and have a paper prepared appointing trustees for a +memorial library fund. + +The pain did not trouble him that afternoon, nor during several +succeeding days. He was gay and quite himself, and he often went out on +the lawn; but we did not drive out again. For the most part, he sat +propped up in his bed, reading or smoking, or talking in the old way; and +as I looked at him he seemed so full of vigor and the joy of life that I +could not convince myself that he would not outlive us all. I found that +he had been really very much alive during those three months--too much +for his own good, sometimes--for he had not been careful of his hours or +his diet, and had suffered in consequence. + +He had not been writing, though he had scribbled some playful valentines +and he had amused himself one day by preparing a chapter of advice--for +me it appeared--which, after reading it aloud to the Allens and receiving +their approval, he declared he intended to have printed for my benefit. +As it would seem to have been the last bit of continued writing he ever +did, and because it is characteristic and amusing, a few paragraphs may +be admitted. The "advice" is concerning deportment on reaching the Gate +which St. Peter is supposed to guard-- + + Upon arrival do not speak to St. Peter until spoken to. It is not + your place to begin. + + Do not begin any remark with "Say." + + When applying for a ticket avoid trying to make conversation. If + you must talk let the weather alone. St. Peter cares not a damn for + the weather. And don't ask him what time the 4.30 train goes; there + aren't any trains in heaven, except through trains, and the less + information you get about them the better for you. + + You can ask him for his autograph--there is no harm in that--but be + careful and don't remark that it is one of the penalties of + greatness. He has heard that before. + + Don't try to kodak him. Hell is full of people who have made that + mistake. + + Leave your dog outside. Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit + you would stay out and the dog would go in. + + You will be wanting to slip down at night and smuggle water to those + poor little chaps (the infant damned), but don't you try it. You + would be caught, and nobody in heaven would respect you after that. + + Explain to Helen why I don't come. If you can. + +There were several pages of this counsel. One paragraph was written in +shorthand. I meant to ask him to translate it; but there were many other +things to think of, and I did not remember. + +I spent most of each day with him, merely sitting by the bed and reading +while he himself read or dozed. His nights were wakeful--he found it +easier to sleep by day--and he liked to think that some one was there. He +became interested in Hardy's Jude, and spoke of it with high approval, +urging me to read it. He dwelt a good deal on the morals of it, or +rather on the lack of them. He followed the tale to the end, finishing +it the afternoon before we sailed. It was his last continuous reading. I +noticed, when he slept, that his breathing was difficult, and I could see +from day to day that he did not improve; but each evening he would be gay +and lively, and he liked the entire family to gather around, while he +became really hilarious over the various happenings of the day. It was +only a few days before we sailed that the very severe attacks returned. +The night of the 8th was a hard one. The doctors were summoned, and it +was only after repeated injections of morphine that the pain had been +eased. When I returned in the early morning he was sitting in his chair +trying to sing, after his old morning habit. He took my hand and said: + +"Well, I had a picturesque night. Every pain I had was on exhibition." + +He looked out the window at the sunlight on the bay and green dotted +islands. "'Sparkling and bright in the liquid light,'" he quoted. +"That's Hoffman. Anything left of Hoffman?" + +"No," I said. + +"I must watch for the Bermudian and see if she salutes," he said, +presently. "The captain knows I am here sick, and he blows two short +whistles just as they come up behind that little island. Those are for +me." + +He said he could breathe easier if he could lean forward, and I placed a +card-table in front of him. His breakfast came in, and a little later he +became quite gay. He drifted to Macaulay again, and spoke of King +James's plot to assassinate William II., and how the clergy had brought +themselves to see that there was no difference between killing a king in +battle and by assassination. He had taken his seat by the window to +watch for the Bermudian. She came down the bay presently, her bright red +stacks towering vividly above the green island. It was a brilliant +morning, the sky and the water a marvelous blue. He watched her +anxiously and without speaking. Suddenly there were two white puffs of +steam, and two short, hoarse notes went up from her. + +"Those are for me," he said, his face full of contentment. "Captain +Fraser does not forget me." + +There followed another bad night. My room was only a little distance +away, and Claude came for me. I do not think any of us thought he would +survive it; but he slept at last, or at least dozed. In the morning he +said: + +"That breast pain stands watch all night and the short breath all day. I +am losing enough sleep to supply a worn-out army. I want a jugful of +that hypnotic injunction every night and every morning." + +We began to fear now that he would not be able to sail on the 12th; but +by great good-fortune he had wonderfully improved by the 12th, so much so +that I began to believe, if once he could be in Stormfield, where the air +was more vigorous, he might easily survive the summer. The humid +atmosphere of the season increased the difficulty of his breathing. + +That evening he was unusually merry. Mr. and Mrs. Allen and Helen and +myself went in to wish him good night. He was loath to let us leave, but +was reminded that he would sail in the morning, and that the doctor had +insisted that he must be quiet and lie still in bed and rest. He was +never one to be very obedient. A little later Mrs. Allen and I, in the +sitting-room, heard some one walking softly outside on the veranda. We +went out there, and he was marching up and down in his dressing-gown as +unconcerned as if he were not an invalid at all. He hadn't felt sleepy, +he said, and thought a little exercise would do him good. Perhaps it +did, for he slept soundly that night--a great blessing. + +Mr. Allen had chartered a special tug to come to Bay House landing in the +morning and take him to the ship. He was carried in a little hand-chair +to the tug, and all the way out he seemed light-spirited, anything but an +invalid: The sailors carried him again in the chair to his state-room, +and he bade those dear Bermuda friends good-by, and we sailed away. + +As long as I remember anything I shall remember the forty-eight hours of +that homeward voyage. It was a brief two days as time is measured; but +as time is lived it has taken its place among those unmeasured periods by +the side of which even years do not count. + +At first he seemed quite his natural self, and asked for a catalogue of +the ship's library, and selected some memoirs of the Countess of Cardigan +for his reading. He asked also for the second volume of Carlyle's French +Revolution, which he had with him. But we ran immediately into the more +humid, more oppressive air of the Gulf Stream, and his breathing became +at first difficult, then next to impossible. There were two large +port-holes, which I opened; but presently he suggested that it would be +better outside. It was only a step to the main-deck, and no passengers +were there. I had a steamer-chair brought, and with Claude supported him +to it and bundled him with rugs; but it had grown damp and chilly, and +his breathing did not improve. It seemed to me that the end might come +at any moment, and this thought was in his mind, too, for once in the +effort for breath he managed to say: + +"I am going--I shall be gone in a moment." + +Breath came; but I realized then that even his cabin was better than +this. I steadied him back to his berth and shut out most of that deadly +dampness. He asked for the "hypnotic 'injunction" (for his humor never +left him), and though it was not yet the hour prescribed I could not deny +it. It was impossible for him to lie down, even to recline, without +great distress. The opiate made him drowsy, and he longed for the relief +of sleep; but when it seemed about to possess him the struggle for air +would bring him upright. + +During the more comfortable moments he spoke quite in the old way, and +time and again made an effort to read, and reached for his pipe or a +cigar which lay in the little berth hammock at his side. I held the +match, and he would take a puff or two with satisfaction. Then the peace +of it would bring drowsiness, and while I supported him there would come +a few moments, perhaps, of precious sleep. Only a few moments, for the +devil of suffocation was always lying in wait to bring him back for fresh +tortures. Over and over again this was repeated, varied by him being +steadied on his feet or sitting on the couch opposite the berth. In +spite of his suffering, two dominant characteristics remained--the sense +of humor, and tender consideration for another. + +Once when the ship rolled and his hat fell from the hook, and made the +circuit of the cabin floor, he said: + +"The ship is passing the hat." + +Again he said: + +"I am sorry for you, Paine, but I can't help it--I can't hurry this dying +business. Can't you give me enough of the hypnotic injunction to put an +end to me?" + +He thought if I could arrange the pillows so he could sit straight up it +would not be necessary to support him, and then I could sit on the couch +and read while he tried to doze. He wanted me to read Jude, he said, so +we could talk about it. I got all the pillows I could and built them up +around him, and sat down with the book, and this seemed to give him +contentment. He would doze off a little and then come up with a start, +his piercing, agate eyes searching me out to see if I was still there. +Over and over--twenty times in an hour--this was repeated. When I could +deny him no longer I administered the opiate, but it never completely +possessed him or gave him entire relief. + +As I looked at him there, so reduced in his estate, I could not but +remember all the labor of his years, and all the splendid honor which the +world had paid to him. Something of this may have entered his mind, too, +for once, when I offered him some of the milder remedies which we had +brought, he said: + +"After forty years of public effort I have become just a target for +medicines." + +The program of change from berth to the floor, from floor to the couch, +from the couch back to the berth among the pillows, was repeated again +and again, he always thinking of the trouble he might be making, rarely +uttering any complaint; but once he said: + +"I never guessed that I was not going to outlive John Bigelow." And +again: + +"This is such a mysterious disease. If we only had a bill of particulars +we'd have something to swear at." + +Time and again he picked up Carlyle or the Cardigan Memoirs, and read, or +seemed to read, a few lines; but then the drowsiness would come and the +book would fall. Time and again he attempted to smoke, or in his drowse +simulated the motion of placing a cigar to his lips and puffing in the +old way. + +Two dreams beset him in his momentary slumber--one of a play in which the +title-role of the general manager was always unfilled. He spoke of this +now and then when it had passed, and it seemed to amuse him. The other +was a discomfort: a college assembly was attempting to confer upon him +some degree which he did not want. Once, half roused, he looked at me +searchingly and asked: + +"Isn't there something I can resign and be out of all this? They keep +trying to confer that degree upon me and I don't want it." Then +realizing, he said: "I am like a bird in a cage: always expecting to get +out, and always beaten back by the wires." And, somewhat later: "Oh, it +is such a mystery, and it takes so long." + +Toward the evening of the first day, when it grew dark outside, he asked: + +"How long have we been on this voyage?" + +I answered that this was the end of the first day. + +"How many more are there?" he asked. + +"Only one, and two nights." + +"We'll never make it," he said. "It's an eternity." + +"But we must on Clara's account," I told him, and I estimated that Clara +would be more than half-way across the ocean by now. + +"It is a losing race," he said; "no ship can outsail death." + +It has been written--I do not know with what proof--that certain great +dissenters have recanted with the approach of death--have become weak, +and afraid to ignore old traditions in the face of the great mystery. I +wish to write here that Mark Twain, as he neared the end, showed never a +single tremor of fear or even of reluctance. I have dwelt upon these +hours when suffering was upon him, and death the imminent shadow, in +order to show that at the end he was as he had always been, neither more +nor less, and never less than brave. + +Once, during a moment when he was comfortable and quite himself, he said, +earnestly: + +"When I seem to be dying I don't want to be stimulated back to life. I +want to be made comfortable to go." + +There was not a vestige of hesitation; there was no grasping at straws, +no suggestion of dread. + +Somehow those two days and nights went by. Once, when he was partially +relieved by the opiate, I slept, while Claude watched; and again, in the +fading end of the last night, when we had passed at length into the cold, +bracing northern air, and breath had come back to him, and with it sleep. + +Relatives, physicians, and news-gatherers were at the dock to welcome +him. He was awake, and the northern air had brightened him, though it +was the chill, I suppose, that brought on the pains in his breast, which, +fortunately, he had escaped during the voyage. It was not a prolonged +attack, and it was, blessedly, the last one. + +An invalid-carriage had been provided, and a compartment secured on the +afternoon express to Redding--the same train that had taken him there two +years before. Dr. Robert H. Halsey and Dr. Edward Quintard attended him, +and he made the journey really in cheerful comfort, for he could breathe +now, and in the relief came back old interests. Half reclining on the +couch, he looked through the afternoon papers. It happened curiously +that Charles Harvey Genung, who, something more than four years earlier, +had been so largely responsible for my association with Mark Twain, was +on the same train, in the same coach, bound for his country-place at New +Hartford. + +Lounsbury was waiting with the carriage, and on that still, sweet April +evening we drove him to Stormfield much as we had driven him two years +before. Now and then he mentioned the apparent backwardness of the +season, for only a few of the trees were beginning to show their green. +As we drove into the lane that led to the Stormfield entrance, he said: + +"Can we see where you have built your billiard-room?" + +The gable showed above the trees, and I pointed it out to him. + +"It looks quite imposing," he said. + +I think it was the last outside interest he ever showed in anything. He +had been carried from the ship and from the train, but when we drew up to +Stormfield, where Mrs. Paine, with Katie Leary and others of the +household, was waiting to greet him, he stepped from the carriage alone +with something of his old lightness, and with all his old courtliness, +and offered each one his hand. Then, in the canvas chair which we had +brought, Claude and I carried him up-stairs to his room and delivered him +to the physicians, and to the comforts and blessed air of home. This was +Thursday evening, April 14, 1910. + + + + +CCXCIII + +THE RETURN TO THE INVISIBLE + +There would be two days more before Ossip and Clara Gabrilowitsch could +arrive. Clemens remained fairly bright and comfortable during this +interval, though he clearly was not improving. The physicians denied him +the morphine, now, as he no longer suffered acutely. But he craved it, +and once, when I went in, he said, rather mournfully: + +"They won't give me the subcutaneous any more." + +It was Sunday morning when Clara came. He was cheerful and able to talk +quite freely. He did not dwell upon his condition, I think, but spoke +rather of his plans for the summer. At all events, he did not then +suggest that he counted the end so near; but a day later it became +evident to all that his stay was very brief. His breathing was becoming +heavier, though it seemed not to give him much discomfort. His +articulation also became affected. I think the last continuous talking +he did was to Dr. Halsey on the evening of April 17th--the day of Clara's +arrival. A mild opiate had been administered, and he said he wished to +talk himself to sleep. He recalled one of his old subjects, Dual +Personality, and discussed various instances that flitted through his +mind--Jekyll and Hyde phases in literature and fact. He became drowsier +as he talked. He said at last: + +"This is a peculiar kind of disease. It does not invite you to read; it +does not invite you to be read to; it does not invite you to talk, nor to +enjoy any of the usual sick-room methods of treatment. What kind of a +disease is that? Some kinds of sicknesses have pleasant features about +them. You can read and smoke and have only to lie still." + +And a little later he added: + +"It is singular, very singular, the laws of mentality--vacuity. I put +out my hand to reach a book or newspaper which I have been reading most +glibly, and it isn't there, not a suggestion of it." + +He coughed violently, and afterward commented: + +"If one gets to meddling with a cough it very soon gets the upper hand +and is meddling with you. That is my opinion--of seventy-four years' +growth." + +The news of his condition, everywhere published, brought great heaps of +letters, but he could not see them. A few messages were reported to him. +At intervals he read a little. Suetonius and Carlyle lay on the bed +beside him, and he would pick them up as the spirit moved him and read a +paragraph or a page. Sometimes, when I saw him thus-the high color still +in his face, and the clear light in his eyes--I said: "It is not reality. +He is not going to die." On Tuesday, the 19th, he asked me to tell Clara +to come and sing to him. It was a heavy requirement, but she somehow +found strength to sing some of the Scotch airs which he loved, and he +seemed soothed and comforted. When she came away he bade her good-by, +saying that he might not see her again. + +But he lingered through the next day and the next. His mind was +wandering a little on Wednesday, and his speech became less and less +articulate; but there were intervals when he was quite clear, quite +vigorous, and he apparently suffered little. We did not know it, then, +but the mysterious messenger of his birth-year, so long anticipated by +him, appeared that night in the sky.--[The perihelion of Halley's Comet +for 1835 was November 16th; for 1910 it was April 20th.] + +On Thursday morning, the 21st, his mind was generally clear, and it was +said by the nurses that he read a little from one of the volumes on his +bed, from the Suetonius, or from one of the volumes of Carlyle. Early in +the forenoon he sent word by Clara that he wished to see me, and when I +came in he spoke of two unfinished manuscripts which he wished me to +"throw away," as he briefly expressed it, for he had not many words left +now. I assured him that I would take care of them, and he pressed my +hand. It was his last word to me. + +Once or twice that morning he tried to write some request which he could +not put into intelligible words. + +And once he spoke to Gabrilowitsch, who, he said, could understand him +better than the others. Most of the time he dozed. + +Somewhat after midday, when Clara was by him, he roused up and took her +hand, and seemed to speak with less effort. + +"Good-by," he said, and Dr. Quintard, who was standing near, thought he +added: "If we meet"--but the words were very faint. He looked at her for +a little while, without speaking, then he sank into a doze, and from it +passed into a deeper slumber, and did not heed us any more. + +Through that peaceful spring afternoon the life-wave ebbed lower and +lower. It was about half past six, and the sun lay just on the horizon +when Dr. Quintard noticed that the breathing, which had gradually become +more subdued, broke a little. There was no suggestion of any struggle. +The noble head turned a little to one side, there was a fluttering sigh, +and the breath that had been unceasing through seventy-four tumultuous +years had stopped forever. + +He had entered into the estate envied so long. In his own words--the +words of one of his latest memoranda: + +"He had arrived at the dignity of death--the only earthly dignity that is +not artificial--the only safe one. The others are traps that can beguile +to humiliation. + +"Death--the only immortal who treats us all alike, whose pity and whose +peace and whose refuge are for all--the soiled and the pure--the rich and +the poor--the loved and the unloved." + + + + +CCXCIV + +THE LAST RITES + +It is not often that a whole world mourns. Nations have often mourned a +hero--and races--but perhaps never before had the entire world really +united in tender sorrow for the death of any man. + +In one of his aphorisms he wrote: "Let us endeavor so to live that when +we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry." And it was thus that +Mark Twain himself had lived. + +No man had ever so reached the heart of the world, and one may not even +attempt to explain just why. Let us only say that it was because he was +so limitlessly human that every other human heart, in whatever sphere or +circumstance, responded to his touch. From every remote corner of the +globe the cables of condolence swept in; every printed sheet in +Christendom was filled with lavish tribute; pulpits forgot his heresies +and paid him honor. No king ever died that received so rich a homage as +his. To quote or to individualize would be to cheapen this vast +offering. + +We took him to New York to the Brick Church, and Dr. Henry van Dyke spoke +only a few simple words, and Joseph Twichell came from Hartford and +delivered brokenly a prayer from a heart wrung with double grief, for +Harmony, his wife, was nearing the journey's end, and a telegram that +summoned him to her death-bed came before the services ended. + +Mark Twain, dressed in the white he loved so well, lay there with the +nobility of death upon him, while a multitude of those who loved him +passed by and looked at his face for the last time. The flowers, of +which so many had been sent, were banked around him; but on the casket +itself lay a single laurel wreath which Dan Beard and his wife had woven +from the laurel which grows on Stormfield hill. He was never more +beautiful than as he lay there, and it was an impressive scene to see +those thousands file by, regard him for a moment gravely, thoughtfully, +and pass on. All sorts were there, rich and poor; some crossed +themselves, some saluted, some paused a little to take a closer look; but +no one offered even to pick a flower. Howells came, and in his book he +says: + + I looked a moment at the face I knew so well; and it was patient + with the patience I had so often seen in it: something of a puzzle, + a great silent dignity, an assent to what must be from the depths of + a nature whose tragical seriousness broke in the laughter which the + unwise took for the whole of him. + +That night we went with him to Elmira, and next day--a somber day of +rain--he lay in those stately parlors that had seen his wedding-day, and +where Susy had lain, and Mrs. Clemens, and Jean, while Dr. Eastman spoke +the words of peace which separate us from our mortal dead. Then in the +quiet, steady rain of that Sunday afternoon we laid him beside those +others, where he sleeps well, though some have wished that, like De Soto, +he might have been laid to rest in the bed of that great river which must +always be associated with his name. + + + + +CCXCV + +MARK TWAIN'S RELIGION + +There is such a finality about death; however interesting it may be as an +experience, one cannot discuss it afterward with one's friends. I have +thought it a great pity that Mark Twain could not discuss, with Howells +say, or with Twichell, the sensations and the particulars of the change, +supposing there be a recognizable change, in that transition of which we +have speculated so much, with such slender returns. No one ever debated +the undiscovered country more than he. In his whimsical, semi-serious +fashion he had considered all the possibilities of the future state +--orthodox and otherwise--and had drawn picturesquely original +conclusions. He had sent Captain Stormfield in a dream to report the +aspects of the early Christian heaven. He had examined the scientific +aspects of the more subtle philosophies. He had considered spiritualism, +transmigration, the various esoteric doctrines, and in the end he had +logically made up his mind that death concludes all, while with that less +logical hunger which survives in every human heart he had never ceased to +expect an existence beyond the grave. His disbelief and his pessimism +were identical in their structure. They were of his mind; never of his +heart. + +Once a woman said to him: + +"Mr. Clemens, you are not a pessimist, you only think you are." And she +might have added, with equal force and truth: + +"You are not a disbeliever in immortality; you only think you are." + +Nothing could have conveyed more truly his attitude toward life and +death. His belief in God, the Creator, was absolute; but it was a God +far removed from the Creator of his early teaching. Every man builds his +God according to his own capacities. Mark Twain's God was of colossal +proportions--so vast, indeed, that the constellated stars were but +molecules in His veins--a God as big as space itself. + +Mark Twain had many moods, and he did not always approve of his own God; +but when he altered his conception, it was likely to be in the direction +of enlargement--a further removal from the human conception, and the +problem of what we call our lives. + +In 1906 he wrote:--[See also 1870, chap. lxxviii; 1899, chap. ccv; and +various talks, 1906-07, etc.] + Let us now consider the real God, the genuine God, the great God, + the sublime and supreme God, the authentic Creator of the real + universe, whose remotenesses are visited by comets only comets unto + which incredible distant Neptune is merely an out post, a Sandy Hook + to homeward-bound specters of the deeps of space that have not + glimpsed it before for generations--a universe not made with hands + and suited to an astronomical nursery, but spread abroad through the + illimitable reaches of space by the flat of the real God just + mentioned, by comparison with whom the gods whose myriads infest the + feeble imaginations of men are as a swarm of gnats scattered and + lost in the infinitudes of the empty sky. + +At an earlier period-the date is not exactly fixable, but the stationery +used and the handwriting suggest the early eighties--he set down a few +concisely written pages of conclusions--conclusions from which he did not +deviate materially in after years. The document follows: + + I believe in God the Almighty. + + I do not believe He has ever sent a message to man by anybody, or + delivered one to him by word of mouth, or made Himself visible to + mortal eyes at any time in any place. + + I believe that the Old and New Testaments were imagined and written + by man, and that no line in them was authorized by God, much less + inspired by Him. + + I think the goodness, the justice, and the mercy of God are + manifested in His works: I perceive that they are manifested toward + me in this life; the logical conclusion is that they will be + manifested toward me in the life to come, if there should be one. + + I do not believe in special providences. I believe that the + universe is governed by strict and immutable laws: If one man's + family is swept away by a pestilence and another man's spared it is + only the law working: God is not interfering in that small matter, + either against the one man or in favor of the other. + + I cannot see how eternal punishment hereafter could accomplish any + good end, therefore I am not able to believe in it. To chasten a + man in order to perfect him might be reasonable enough; to + annihilate him when he shall have proved himself incapable of + reaching perfection might be reasonable enough; but to roast him + forever for the mere satisfaction of seeing him roast would not be + reasonable--even the atrocious God imagined by the Jews would tire + of the spectacle eventually. + + There may be a hereafter and there may not be. I am wholly + indifferent about it. If I am appointed to live again I feel sure + it will be for some more sane and useful purpose than to flounder + about for ages in a lake of fire and brimstone for having violated a + confusion of ill-defined and contradictory rules said (but not + evidenced) to be of divine institution. If annihilation is to + follow death I shall not be aware of the annihilation, and therefore + shall not care a straw about it. + + I believe that the world's moral laws are the outcome of the world's + experience. It needed no God to come down out of heaven to tell men + that murder and theft and the other immoralities were bad, both for + the individual who commits them and for society which suffers from + them. + + If I break all these moral laws I cannot see how I injure God by it, + for He is beyond the reach of injury from me--I could as easily + injure a planet by throwing mud at it. It seems to me that my + misconduct could only injure me and other men. I cannot benefit God + by obeying these moral laws--I could as easily benefit the planet by + withholding my mud. (Let these sentences be read in the light of + the fact that I believe I have received moral laws only from man + --none whatever from God.) Consequently I do not see why I should be + either punished or rewarded hereafter for the deeds I do here. + +If the tragedies of life shook his faith in the goodness and justice and +the mercy of God as manifested toward himself, he at any rate never +questioned that the wider scheme of the universe was attuned to the +immutable law which contemplates nothing less than absolute harmony. I +never knew him to refer to this particular document; but he never +destroyed it and never amended it, nor is it likely that he would have +done either had it been presented to him for consideration even during +the last year of his life. + +He was never intentionally dogmatic. In a memorandum on a fly-leaf of +Moncure D. Conway's Sacred Anthology he wrote: + + RELIGION + +The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly +teaches me to suspect that my own is also. + MARK TWAIN, 19th Cent. A.D. + +And in another note: + +I would not interfere with any one's religion, either to strengthen it or +to weaken it. I am not able to believe one's religion can affect his +hereafter one way or the other, no matter what that religion maybe. But +it may easily be a great comfort to him in this life hence it is a +valuable possession to him. + +Mark Twain's religion was a faith too wide for doctrines--a benevolence +too limitless for creeds. From the beginning he strove against +oppression, sham, and evil in every form. He despised meanness; he +resented with every drop of blood in him anything that savored of +persecution or a curtailment of human liberties. It was a religion +identified with his daily life and his work. He lived as he wrote, and +he wrote as he believed. His favorite weapon was humor--good-humor--with +logic behind it. A sort of glorified truth it was truth wearing a smile +of gentleness, hence all the more quickly heeded. + +"He will be remembered with the great humorists of all time," says +Howells, "with Cervantes, with Swift, or with any others worthy of his +company; none of them was his equal in humanity." + +Mark Twain understood the needs of men because he was himself supremely +human. In one of his dictations he said: + +I have found that there is no ingredient of the race which I do not +possess in either a small or a large way. When it is small, as compared +with the same ingredient in somebody else, there is still enough of it +for all the purposes of examination. + +With his strength he had inherited the weaknesses of our kind. With him, +as with another, a myriad of dreams and schemes and purposes daily +flitted by. With him, as with another, the spirit of desire led him +often to a high mountain-top, and was not rudely put aside, but +lingeringly--and often invited to return. With him, as with another, a +crowd of jealousies and resentments, and wishes for the ill of others, +daily went seething and scorching along the highways of the soul. With +him, as with another, regret, remorse, and shame stood at the bedside +during long watches of the night; and in the end, with him, the better +thing triumphed--forgiveness and generosity and justice--in a word, +Humanity. Certain of his aphorisms and memoranda each in itself +constitutes an epitome of Mark Twain's creed. His paraphrase, "When in +doubt tell the truth," is one of these, and he embodied his whole +attitude toward Infinity when in one of his stray pencilings he wrote: + +Why, even poor little ungodlike man holds himself responsible for the +welfare of his child to the extent of his ability. It is all that we +require of God. + + + + +CCXCVI + +POSTSCRIPT + +Every life is a drama--a play in all its particulars; comedy, farce, +tragedy--all the elements are there. To examine in detail any life, +however conspicuous or obscure, is to become amazed not only at the +inevitable sequence of events, but at the interlinking of details, often +far removed, into a marvelously intricate pattern which no art can hope +to reproduce, and can only feebly imitate. + +The biographer may reconstruct an episode, present a picture, or reflect +a mood by which the reader is enabled to feel something of the glow of +personality and know, perhaps, a little of the substance of the past. In +so far as the historian can accomplish this his work is a success. At +best his labor will be pathetically incomplete, for whatever its detail +and its resemblance to life, these will record mainly but an outward +expression, behind which was the mighty sweep and tumult of unwritten +thought, the overwhelming proportion of any life, which no other human +soul can ever really know. + +Mark Twain's appearance on the stage of the world was a succession of +dramatic moments. He was always exactly in the setting. Whatever he +did, or whatever came to him, was timed for the instant of greatest +effect. At the end he was more widely observed and loved and honored +than ever before, and at the right moment and in the right manner he +died. + +How little one may tell of such a life as his! He traveled always such a +broad and brilliant highway, with plumes flying and crowds following +after. Such a whirling panorama of life, and death, and change! I have +written so much, and yet I have put so much aside--and often the best +things, it seemed afterward, perhaps because each in its way was best and +the variety infinite. One may only strive to be faithful--and I would +have made it better if I could. + + + + + + APPENDIX + + + + +APPENDIX A + +LETTER FROM ORION CLEMENS TO MISS WOOD CONCERNING HENRY CLEMENS + +(See Chapter xxvi) + + KEOKUK, Iowa, October 3, 1858. + +MISS WOOD,--My mother having sent me your kind letter, with a request +that myself and wife should write to you, I hasten to do so. + +In my memory I can go away back to Henry's infancy; I see his large, blue +eyes intently regarding my father when he rebuked him for his credulity +in giving full faith to the boyish idea of planting his marbles, +expecting a crop therefrom; then comes back the recollection of the time +when, standing we three alone by our father's grave, I told them always +to remember that brothers should be kind to each other; afterward I see +Henry returning from school with his books for the last time. He must go +into my printing-office. He learned rapidly. A word of encouragement or +a word of discouragement told upon his organization electrically. I +could see the effects in his day's work. Sometimes I would say, "Henry!" +He would stand full front with his eyes upon mine--all attention. If I +commanded him to do something, without a word he was off instantly, +probably in a run. If a cat was to be drowned or shot Sam (though +unwilling yet firm) was selected for the work. If a stray kitten was to +be fed and taken care of Henry was expected to attend to it, and he would +faithfully do so. So they grew up, and many was the grave lecture +commenced by ma, to the effect that Sam was misleading and spoiling +Henry. But the lectures were never concluded, for Sam would reply with a +witticism, or dry, unexpected humor, that would drive the lecture clean +out of my mother's mind, and change it to a laugh. Those were happier +days. My mother was as lively as any girl of sixteen. She is not so +now. And sister Pamela I have described in describing Henry; for she was +his counterpart. The blow falls crushingly on her. But the boys grew +up--Sam a rugged, brave, quick-tempered, generous-hearted fellow, Henry +quiet, observing, thoughtful, leaning on Sam for protection; Sam and I +too leaning on him for knowledge picked up from conversation or books, +for Henry seemed never to forget anything, and devoted much of his +leisure hours to reading. + +Henry is gone! His death was horrible! How I could have sat by him, +hung over him, watched day and night every change of expression, and +ministered to every want in my power that I could discover. This was +denied to me, but Sam, whose organization is such as to feel the utmost +extreme of every feeling, was there. Both his capacity of enjoyment and +his capacity of suffering are greater than mine; and knowing how it would +have affected me to see so sad a scene, I can somewhat appreciate Sam's +sufferings. In this time of great trouble, when my two brothers, whose +heartstrings have always been a part of my own, were suffering the utmost +stretch of mortal endurance, you were there, like a good angel, to aid +and console, and I bless and thank you for it with my whole heart. I +thank all who helped them then; I thank them for the flowers they sent to +Henry, for the tears that fell for their sufferings, and when he died, +and all of them for all the kind attentions they bestowed upon the poor +boys. We thank the physicians, and we shall always gratefully remember +the kindness of the gentleman who at so much expense to himself enabled +us to deposit Henry's remains by our father. + +With many kind wishes for your future welfare, I remain your earnest +friend, + Respectfully, + ORION CLEMENS. + + + + +APPENDIX B + +MARK TWAIN'S BURLESQUE OF CAPTAIN ISAIAH SELLERS + +(See Chapter xxvii) + +The item which served as a text for the "Sergeant Fathom" communication +was as follows: + + VICKSBURG, May 4, 1859. + +My opinion for the benefit of the citizens of New Orleans: The water is +higher this far up than it has been since 1815. My opinion is that the +water will be four feet deep in Canal Street before the first of next +June. Mrs. Turner's plantation at the head of Big Black Island is all +under water, and it has not been since 1815. + I. SELLERS.--[Captain Sellers, as + in this case, sometimes signed + his own name to his + communications.] + +THE BURLESQUE +INTRODUCTORY + +Our friend Sergeant Fathom, one of the oldest cub pilots on the river, +and now on the Railroad Line steamer Trombone, sends us a rather bad +account concerning the state of the river. Sergeant Fathom is a "cub" of +much experience, and although we are loath to coincide in his view of the +matter, we give his note a place in our columns, only hoping that his +prophecy will not be verified in this instance. While introducing the +Sergeant, "we consider it but simple justice (we quote from a friend of +his) to remark that he is distinguished for being, in pilot phrase, +'close,' as well as superhumanly 'safe.'" It is a well-known fact that +he has made fourteen hundred and fifty trips in the New Orleans and St. +Louis trade without causing serious damage to a steamboat. This +astonishing success is attributed to the fact that he seldom runs his +boat after early candle-light. It is related of the Sergeant that upon +one occasion he actually ran the chute of Glasscock's Island, +down-stream, in the night, and at a time, too, when the river was +scarcely more than bank full. His method of accomplishing this feat +proves what we have just said of his "safeness"--he sounded the chute +first, and then built a fire at the head of the island to run by. As to +the Sergeant's "closeness," we have heard it whispered that he once went +up to the right of the "Old Hen,"--[Glasscock's Island and the "Old Hen" +were phenomenally safe places.]--but this is probably a pardonable little +exaggeration, prompted by the love and admiration in which he is held by +various ancient dames of his acquaintance (for albeit the Sergeant may +have already numbered the allotted years of man, still his form is erect, +his step is firm, his hair retains its sable hue, and, more than all, he +hath a winning way about him, an air of docility and sweetness, if you +will, and a smoothness of speech, together with an exhaustless fund of +funny sayings; and, lastly, an overflowing stream, without beginning, or +middle, or end, of astonishing reminiscences of the ancient Mississippi, +which, taken together, form a 'tout ensemble' which is sufficient excuse +for the tender epithet which is, by common consent, applied to him by all +those ancient dames aforesaid, of "che-arming creature!"). As the +Sergeant has been longer on the river, and is better acquainted with it +than any other "cub" extant, his remarks are entitled to far more +consideration, and are always read with the deepest interest by high and +low, rich and poor, from "Kiho" to Kamschatka, for let it be known that +his fame extends to the uttermost parts of the earth: + + +THE COMMUNICATION + +R.R. Steamer Trombone, VICKSBURG, May 8, 1859. + +The river from New Orleans up to Natchez is higher than it has been since +the niggers were executed (which was in the fall of 1813) and my opinion +is that if the rise continues at this rate the water will be on the roof +of the St. Charles Hotel before the middle of January. The point at +Cairo, which has not even been moistened by the river since 1813, is now +entirely under water. + +However, Mr. Editor, the inhabitants of the Mississippi Valley should not +act precipitately and sell their plantations at a sacrifice on account of +this prophecy of mine, for I shall proceed to convince them of a great +fact in regard to this matter, viz.: that the tendency of the Mississippi +is to rise less and less high every year (with an occasional variation of +the rule), that such has been the case for many centuries, and eventually +that it will cease to rise at all. Therefore, I would hint to the +planters, as we say in an innocent little parlor game commonly called +"draw," that if they can only "stand the rise" this time they may enjoy +the comfortable assurance that the old river's banks will never hold a +"full" again during their natural lives. + +In the summer of 1763 I came down the river on the old first Jubilee. She +was new then, however; a singular sort of a single-engine boat, with a +Chinese captain and a Choctaw crew, forecastle on her stern, wheels in +the center, and the jackstaff "nowhere," for I steered her with a +window-shutter, and when we wanted to land we sent a line ashore and +"rounded her to" with a yoke of oxen. + +Well, sir, we wooded off the top of the big bluff above Selmathe only dry +land visible--and waited there three weeks, swapping knives and playing +"seven up" with the Indians, waiting for the river to fall. Finally, it +fell about a hundred feet, and we went on. One day we rounded to, and I +got in a horse-trough, which my partner borrowed from the Indians up +there at Selma while they were at prayers, and went down to sound around +No. 8, and while I was gone my partner got aground on the hills at +Hickman. After three days' labor we finally succeeded in sparring her +off with a capstan bar, and went on to Memphis. By the time we got there +the river had subsided to such an extent that we were able to land where +the Gayoso House now stands. We finished loading at Memphis, and loaded +part of the stone for the present St. Louis Court House (which was then +in process of erection), to be taken up on our return trip. + +You can form some conception, by these memoranda, of how high the water +was in 1763. In 1775 it did not rise so high by thirty feet; in 1790 it +missed the original mark at least sixty-five feet; in 1797, one hundred +and fifty feet; and in 1806, nearly two hundred and fifty feet. These +were "high-water" years. The "high waters" since then have been so +insignificant that I have scarcely taken the trouble to notice them. +Thus, you will perceive that the planters need not feel uneasy. The +river may make an occasional spasmodic effort at a flood, but the time is +approaching when it will cease to rise altogether. + +In conclusion, sir, I will condescend to hint at the foundation of these +arguments: When me and De Soto discovered the Mississippi I could stand +at Bolivar Landing (several miles above "Roaring Waters Bar") and pitch a +biscuit to the main shore on the other side, and in low water we waded +across at Donaldsonville. The gradual widening and deepening of the +river is the whole secret of the matter. + + Yours, etc. + SERGEANT FATHOM. + + + + +APPENDIX C + +I + +MARK TWAIN'S EMPIRE CITY HOAX (See Chapter xli) +THE LATEST SENSATION. + + A Victim to Jeremy Diddling Trustees--He Cuts his Throat from Ear to + Ear, Scalps his Wife, and Dashes Out the Brains of Six Helpless + Children! + +From Abram Curry, who arrived here yesterday afternoon from Carson, we +learn the following particulars concerning a bloody massacre which was +committed in Ormsby County night before last. It seems that during the +past six months a man named P. Hopkins, or Philip Hopkins, has been +residing with his family in the old log-house just at the edge of the +great pine forest which lies between Empire City and Dutch Nick's. The +family consisted of nine children--five girls and four boys--the oldest +of the group, Mary, being nineteen years old, and the youngest, Tommy, +about a year and a half. Twice in the past two months Mrs. Hopkins, +while visiting Carson, expressed fears concerning the sanity of her +husband, remarking that of late he had been subject to fits of violence, +and that during the prevalence of one of these he had threatened to take +her life. It was Mrs. Hopkins's misfortune to be given to exaggeration, +however, and but little attention was given to what she said. + +About 10 o'clock on Monday evening Hopkins dashed into Carson on +horseback, with his throat cut from ear to ear, and bearing in his hand a +reeking scalp, from which the warm, smoking blood was still dripping, and +fell in a dying condition in front of the Magnolia saloon. Hopkins +expired, in the course of five minutes, without speaking. The long, red +hair of the scalp he bore marked it as that of Mrs. Hopkins. A number of +citizens, headed by Sheriff Gasherie, mounted at once and rode down to +Hopkins's house, where a ghastly scene met their eyes. The scalpless +corpse of Mrs. Hopkins lay across the threshold, with her head split open +and her right hand almost severed from the wrist. Near her lay the ax +with which the murderous deed had been committed. In one of the bedrooms +six of the children were found, one in bed and the others scattered about +the floor. They were all dead. Their brains had evidently been dashed +out with a club, and every mark about them seemed to have been made with +a blunt instrument. The children must have struggled hard for their +lives, as articles of clothing and broken furniture were strewn about the +room in the utmost confusion. Julia and Emma, aged respectively fourteen +and seventeen, were found in the kitchen, bruised and insensible, but it +is thought their recovery is possible. The eldest girl, Mary, must have +sought refuge, in her terror, in the garret, as her body was found there +frightfully mutilated, and the knife with which her wounds had been +inflicted still sticking in her side. The two girls Julia and Emma, who +had recovered sufficiently to be able to talk yesterday morning, declare +that their father knocked them down with a billet of wood and stamped on +them. They think they were the first attacked. They further state that +Hopkins had shown evidence of derangement all day, but had exhibited no +violence. He flew into a passion and attempted to murder them because +they advised him to go to bed and compose his mind. + +Curry says Hopkins was about forty-two years of age, and a native of +western Pennsylvania; he was always affable and polite, and until very +recently no one had ever heard of his ill-treating his family. He had +been a heavy owner in the best mines of Virginia and Gold Hill, but when +the San Francisco papers exposed our game of cooking dividends in order +to bolster up our stocks he grew afraid and sold out, and invested an +immense amount in the Spring Valley Water Company, of San Francisco. He +was advised to do this by a relative of his, one of the editors of the +San Francisco Bulletin, who had suffered pecuniarily by the +dividend-cooking system as applied to the Daney Mining Company recently. +Hopkins had not long ceased to own in the various claims on the Comstock +lead, however, when several dividends were cooked on his newly acquired +property, their water totally dried up, and Spring Valley stock went down +to nothing. It is presumed that this misfortune drove him mad, and +resulted in his killing himself and the greater portion of his family. +The newspapers of San Francisco permitted this water company to go on +borrowing money and cooking dividends, under cover of which the cunning +financiers crept out of the tottering concern, leaving the crash to come +upon poor and unsuspecting stockholders, without offering to expose the +villainy at work. We hope the fearful massacre detailed above may prove +the saddest result of their silence. + + +II + +NEWS-GATHERING WITH MARK TWAIN. + +Alfred Doten's son gives the following account of a reporting trip made +by his father and Mark Twain, when the two were on Comstock papers: + +My father and Mark Twain were once detailed to go over to Como and write +up some new mines that had been discovered over there. My father was on +the Gold Hill News. He and Mark had not met before, but became promptly +acquainted, and were soon calling each other by their first names. + +They went to a little hotel at Carson, agreeing to do their work there +together next morning. When morning came they set out, and suddenly on a +corner Mark stopped and turned to my father, saying: + +"By gracious, Alf! Isn't that a brewery?" + +"It is, Mark. Let's go in." + +They did so, and remained there all day, swapping yarns, sipping beer, +and lunching, going back to the hotel that night. + +The next morning precisely the same thing occurred. When they were on +the same corner, Mark stopped as if he had never been there before, and +sand: + +"Good gracious, Alf! Isn't that a brewery?" + +"It is, Mark. Let's go in." + +So again they went in, and again stayed all day. + +This happened again the next morning, and the next. Then my father +became uneasy. A letter had come from Gold Hill, asking him where his +report of the mines was. They agreed that next morning they would really +begin the story; that they would climb to the top of a hill that +overlooked the mines, and write it from there. + +But the next morning, as before, Mark was surprised to discover the +brewery, and once more they went in. A few moments later, however, a man +who knew all about the mines--a mining engineer connected with them--came +in. He was a godsend. My father set down a valuable, informing story, +while Mark got a lot of entertaining mining yarns out of him. + +Next day Virginia City and Gold Hill were gaining information from my +father's article, and entertainment from Mark's story of the mines. + + + + +APPENDIX D + +FROM MARK TWAIN'S FIRST LECTURE, DELIVERED OCTOBER 2, 1866. + +(See Chapter liv) +HAWAIIAN IMPORTANCE TO AMERICA. + +After a full elucidation of the sugar industry of the Sandwich Islands, +its profits and possibilities, he said: + +I have dwelt upon this subject to show you that these islands have a +genuine importance to America--an importance which is not generally +appreciated by our citizens. They pay revenues into the United States +Treasury now amounting to over a half a million a year. + +I do not know what the sugar yield of the world is now, but ten years +ago, according to the Patent Office reports, it was 800,000 hogsheads. +The Sandwich Islands, properly cultivated by go-ahead Americans, are +capable of providing one-third as much themselves. With the Pacific +Railroad built, the great China Mail Line of steamers touching at +Honolulu--we could stock the islands with Americans and supply a third of +the civilized world with sugar--and with the silkiest, longest-stapled +cotton this side of the Sea Islands, and the very best quality of +rice.... The property has got to fall to some heir, and why not the +United States? + + +NATIVE PASSION FOR FUNERALS + +They are very fond of funerals. Big funerals are their main weakness. +Fine grave clothes, fine funeral appointments, and a long procession are +things they take a generous delight in. They are fond of their chief and +their king; they reverence them with a genuine reverence and love them +with a warm affection, and often look forward to the happiness they will +experience in burying them. They will beg, borrow, or steal money +enough, and flock from all the islands, to be present at a royal funeral +on Oahu. Years ago a Kanaka and his wife were condemned to be hanged for +murder. They received the sentence with manifest satisfaction because it +gave an opening for a funeral, you know. All they care for is a funeral. +It makes but little difference to them whose it is; they would as soon +attend their own funeral as anybody else's. This couple were people of +consequence, and had landed estates. They sold every foot of ground they +had and laid it out in fine clothes to be hung in. And the woman +appeared on the scaffold in a white satin dress and slippers and fathoms +of gaudy ribbon, and the man was arrayed in a gorgeous vest, blue +claw-hammer coat and brass buttons, and white kid gloves. As the noose +was adjusted around his neck, he blew his nose with a grand theatrical +flourish, so as to show his embroidered white handkerchief. I never, +never knew of a couple who enjoyed hanging more than they did. + + +VIEW FROM HALEAKALA + +It is a solemn pleasure to stand upon the summit of the extinct crater of +Haleakala, ten thousand feet above the sea, and gaze down into its awful +crater, 27 miles in circumference and ago feet deep, and to picture to +yourself the seething world of fire that once swept up out of the +tremendous abyss ages ago. + +The prodigious funnel is dead and silent now, and even has bushes growing +far down in its bottom, where the deep-sea line could hardly have reached +in the old times, when the place was filled with liquid lava. These +bushes look like parlor shrubs from the summit where you stand, and the +file of visitors moving through them on their mules is diminished to a +detachment of mice almost; and to them you, standing so high up against +the sun, ten thousand feet above their heads, look no larger than a +grasshopper. + +This in the morning; but at three or four in the afternoon a thousand +little patches of white clouds, like handfuls of wool, come drifting +noiselessly, one after another, into the crater, like a procession of +shrouded phantoms, and circle round and round the vast sides, and settle +gradually down and mingle together until the colossal basin is filled to +the brim with snowy fog and all its seared and desolate wonders are +hidden from sight. + +And then you may turn your back to the crater and look far away upon the +broad valley below, with its sugar-houses glinting like white specks in +the distance, and the great sugar-fields diminished to green veils amid +the lighter-tinted verdure around them, and abroad upon the limitless +ocean. But I should not say you look down; you look up at these things. + +You are ten thousand feet above them, but yet you seem to stand in a +basin, with the green islands here and there, and the valleys and the +wide ocean, and the remote snow-peak of Mauna Loa, all raised up before +and above you, and pictured out like a brightly tinted map hung at the +ceiling of a room. + +You look up at everything; nothing is below you. It has a singular and +startling effect to see a miniature world thus seemingly hung in mid-air. + +But soon the white clouds come trooping along in ghostly squadrons and +mingle together in heavy masses a quarter of a mile below you and shut +out everything-completely hide the sea and all the earth save the +pinnacle you stand on. As far as the eye can reach, it finds nothing to +rest upon but a boundless plain of clouds tumbled into all manner of +fantastic shapes-a billowy ocean of wool aflame with the gold and purple +and crimson splendors of the setting sun! And so firm does this grand +cloud pavement look that you can hardly persuade yourself that you could +not walk upon it; that if you stepped upon it you would plunge headlong +and astonish your friends at dinner ten thousand feet below. + +Standing on that peak, with all the world shut out by that vast plain of +clouds, a feeling of loneliness comes over a man which suggests to his +mind the last man at the flood, perched high upon the last rock, with +nothing visible on any side but a mournful waste of waters, and the ark +departing dimly through the distant mists and leaving him to storm and +night and solitude and death! + + + + +NOTICE OF MARK TWAIN'S LECTURE + +"THE TROUBLE IS OVER" + +"The inimitable Mark Twain, delivered himself last night of his first +lecture on the Sandwich Islands, or anything else. + +"Some time before the hour appointed to open his head the Academy of +Music (on Pine Street) was densely crowded with one of the most +fashionable audiences it was ever my privilege to witness during my long +residence in this city. The Elite of the town were there, and so was the +Governor of the State, occupying one of the boxes, whose rotund face was +suffused with a halo of mirth during the whole entertainment. The +audience promptly notified Mark by the usual sign--stamping--that the +auspicious hour had arrived, and presently the lecturer came sidling and +swinging out from the left of the stage. His very manner produced a +generally vociferous laugh from the assemblage. He opened with an +apology, by saying that he had partly succeeded in obtaining a band, but +at the last moment the party engaged backed out. He explained that he +had hired a man to play the trombone, but he, on learning that he was the +only person engaged, came at the last moment and informed him that he +could not play. This placed Mark in a bad predicament, and wishing to +know his reasons for deserting him at that critical moment, he replied, +'That he wasn't going to make a fool of himself by sitting up there on +the stage and blowing his horn all by himself.' After the applause +subsided, he assumed a very grave countenance and commenced his remarks +proper with the following well-known sentence: 'When, in the course of +human events,' etc. He lectured fully an hour and a quarter, and his +humorous sayings were interspersed with geographical, agricultural, and +statistical remarks, sometimes branching off and reaching beyond, +soaring, in the very choicest language, up to the very pinnacle of +descriptive power." + + + + +APPENDIX E + +FROM "THE JUMPING FROG" BOOK (MARK TWAIN'S FIRST PUBLISHED VOLUME) + +(See Chapters lviii and lix) + + +I + +ADVERTISEMENT + +"Mark Twain" is too well known to the public to require a formal +introduction at my hands. By his story of the Frog he scaled the heights +of popularity at a single jump and won for himself the 'sobriquet' of The +Wild Humorist of the Pacific Slope. He is also known to fame as The +Moralist of the Main; and it is not unlikely that as such he will go down +to posterity. It is in his secondary character, as humorist, however, +rather than in the primal one of moralist, that I aim to present him in +the present volume. And here a ready explanation will be found for the +somewhat fragmentary character of many of these sketches; for it was +necessary to snatch threads of humor wherever they could be found--very +often detaching them from serious articles and moral essays with which +they were woven and entangled. Originally written for newspaper +publication, many of the articles referred to events of the day, the +interest of which has now passed away, and contained local allusions, +which the general reader would fail to understand; in such cases excision +became imperative. Further than this, remark or comment is unnecessary. +Mark Twain never resorts to tricks of spelling nor rhetorical buffoonery +for the purpose of provoking a laugh; the vein of his humor runs too rich +and deep to make surface gliding necessary. But there are few who can +resist the quaint similes, keen satire, and hard, good sense which form +the staple of his writing. + J. P. + + +II + +FROM ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS + +"MORAL STATISTICIAN"--I don't want any of your statistics. I took your +whole batch and lit my pipe with it. I hate your kind of people. You +are always ciphering out how much a man's health is injured, and how much +his intellect is impaired, and how many pitiful dollars and cents he +wastes in the course of ninety-two years' indulgence in the fatal +practice of smoking; and in the equally fatal practice of drinking +coffee; and in playing billiards occasionally; and in taking a glass of +wine at dinner, etc., etc., etc. . . . + +Of course you can save money by denying yourself all these vicious little +enjoyments for fifty years; but then what can you do with it? What use +can you put it to? Money can't save your infinitesimal soul. All the +use that money can be put to is to purchase comfort and enjoyment in this +life; therefore, as you are an enemy to comfort and enjoyment, where is +the use in accumulating cash? It won't do for you to say that you can +use it to better purpose in furnishing good table, and in charities, and +in supporting tract societies, because you know yourself that you people +who have no petty vices are never known to give away a cent, and that you +stint yourselves so in the matter of food that you are always feeble and +hungry. And you never dare to laugh in the daytime for fear some poor +wretch, seeing you in a good-humor, will try to borrow a dollar of you; +and in church you are always down on your knees, with your eyes buried in +the cushion, when the contribution-box comes around; and you never give +the revenue-officers a true statement of your income. Now you all know +all these things yourself, don't you? Very well, then, what is the use +of your stringing out your miserable lives to a clean and withered old +age? What is the use of your saving money that is so utterly worthless +to you? In a word, why don't you go off somewhere and die, and not be +always trying to seduce people into becoming as "ornery" and unlovable as +you are yourselves, by your ceaseless and villainous "moral statistics"? +Now, I don't approve of dissipation, and I don't indulge in it, either; +but I haven't a particle of confidence in a man who has no redeeming +petty vices whatever, and so I don't want to hear from you any more. I +think you are the very same man who read me a long lecture last week +about the degrading vice of smoking cigars and then came back, in my +absence, with your vile, reprehensible fire-proof gloves on, and carried +off my beautiful parlor-stove. + + + + +III + +FROM "A STRANGE DREAM" + +(Example of Mark Twain's Early Descriptive Writing) + +. . . In due time I stood, with my companion, on the wall of the vast +caldron which the natives, ages ago, named 'Hale mau mau'--the abyss +wherein they were wont to throw the remains of their chiefs, to the end +that vulgar feet might never tread above them. We stood there, at dead +of night, a mile above the level of the sea, and looked down a thousand +feet upon a boiling, surging, roaring ocean of fire!--shaded our eyes +from the blinding glare, and gazed far away over the crimson waves with a +vague notion that a supernatural fleet, manned by demons and freighted +with the damned, might presently sail up out of the remote distance; +started when tremendous thunder-bursts shook the earth, and followed with +fascinated eyes the grand jets of molten lava that sprang high up toward +the zenith and exploded in a world of fiery spray that lit up the somber +heavens with an infernal splendor. + +"What is your little bonfire of Vesuvius to this?" + +My ejaculation roused my companion from his reverie, and we fell into a +conversation appropriate to the occasion and the surroundings. We came +at last to speak of the ancient custom of casting the bodies of dead +chieftains into this fearful caldron; and my comrade, who is of the blood +royal, mentioned that the founder of his race, old King Kamehameha the +First--that invincible old pagan Alexander--had found other sepulture +than the burning depths of the 'Hale mau mau'. I grew interested at +once; I knew that the mystery of what became of the corpse of the warrior +king hail never been fathomed; I was aware that there was a legend +connected with this matter; and I felt as if there could be no more +fitting time to listen to it than the present. The descendant of the +Kamehamehas said: + +The dead king was brought in royal state down the long, winding road that +descends from the rim of the crater to the scorched and chasm-riven plain +that lies between the 'Hale mau mau' and those beetling walls yonder in +the distance. The guards were set and the troops of mourners began the +weird wail for the departed. In the middle of the night came a sound of +innumerable voices in the air and the rush of invisible wings; the +funeral torches wavered, burned blue, and went out. The mourners and +watchers fell to the ground paralyzed by fright, and many minutes elapsed +before any one dared to move or speak; for they believed that the phantom +messengers of the dread Goddess of Fire had been in their midst. When at +last a torch was lighted the bier was vacant--the dead monarch had been +spirited away! + + + + +APPENDIX F + +THE INNOCENTS ABROAD (See Chapter lx) + +NEW YORK "HERALD" EDITORIAL ON THE RETURN OF THE "QUAKER CITY" +PILGRIMAGE, NOVEMBER 19, 1867. + +In yesterday's Herald we published a most amusing letter from the pen of +that most amusing American genius, Mark Twain, giving an account of that +most amusing of all modern pilgrimages--the pilgrimage of the 'Quaker +City'. It has been amusing all through, this Quaker City affair. It +might have become more serious than amusing if the ship had been sold at +Jaffa, Alexandria, or Yalta, in the Black Sea, as it appears might have +happened. In such a case the passengers would have been more effectually +sold than the ship. The descendants of the Puritan pilgrims have, +naturally enough, some of them, an affection for ships; but if all that +is said about this religious cruise be true they have also a singularly +sharp eye to business. It was scarcely wise on the part of the pilgrims, +although it was well for the public, that so strange a genius as Mark +Twain should have found admission into the sacred circle. We are not +aware whether Mr. Twain intends giving us a book on this pilgrimage, but +we do know that a book written from his own peculiar standpoint, giving +an account of the characters and events on board ship and of the scenes +which the pilgrims witnessed, would command an almost unprecedented sale. +There are varieties of genius peculiar to America. Of one of these +varieties Mark Twain is a striking specimen. For the development of his +peculiar genius he has never had a more fitting opportunity. Besides, +there are some things which he knows, and which the world ought to know, +about this last edition of the Mayflower. + + + + +APPENDIX G + +MARK TWAIN AT THE CORRESPONDENTS CLUB, WASHINGTON + +(See Chapter lxiii) + +WOMAN +A EULOGY OF THE FAIR SEX. + +The Washington Correspondents Club held its anniversary on Saturday +night. Mr. Clemens, better known as Mark Twain, responded to the toast, +"Woman, the pride of the professions and the jewel of ours." He said: + +Mr. President,--I do not know why I should have been singled out to +receive the greatest distinction of the evening--for so the office of +replying to the toast to woman has been regarded in every age. +[Applause.] I do not know why I have received this distinction, unless it +be that I am a trifle less homely than the other members of the club. +But, be this as it may, Mr. President, I am proud of the position, and +you could not have chosen any one who would have accepted it more gladly, +or labored with a heartier good--will to do the subject justice, than I. +Because, Sir, I love the sex. [Laughter.] I love all the women, sir, +irrespective of age or color. [Laughter.] + +Human intelligence cannot estimate what we owe to woman, sir. She sews +on our buttons [laughter]; she mends our clothes [laughter]; she ropes us +in at the church fairs; she confides in us; she tells us whatever she can +find out about the private affairs of the neighbors; she gives good +advice, and plenty of it; she gives us a piece of her mind sometimes +--and sometimes all of it; she soothes our aching brows; she bears our +children. (Ours as a general thing.)--[this last sentence appears in +Twain's published speeches and may have been added later. D.W.] + +In all relations of life, sir, it is but just and a graceful tribute to +woman to say of her that she is a brick. [Great laughter.] + +Wheresoever you place woman, sir--in whatsoever position or estate--she +is an ornament to that place she occupies, and a treasure to the world. +[Here Mr. Twain paused, looked inquiringly at his hearers, and remarked +that the applause should come in at this point. It came in. Mr. Twain +resumed his eulogy.] Look at the noble names of history! Look at +Cleopatra! Look at Desdemona! Look at Florence Nightingale! Look at +Joan of Arc! Look at Lucretia Borgia! [Disapprobation expressed. +"Well," said Mr. Twain, scratching his head, doubtfully, "suppose we let +Lucretia slide."] Look at Joyce Heth! Look at Mother Eve! I repeat, +sir, look at the illustrious names of history! Look at the Widow +Machree! Look at Lucy Stone! Look at Elizabeth Cady Stanton! Look at +George Francis Train! [Great laughter.] And, sir, I say with bowed head +and deepest veneration, look at the mother of Washington! She raised a +boy that could not lie--could not lie. [Applause.] But he never had any +chance. It might have been different with him if he had belonged to a +newspaper correspondents' club. [Laughter, groans, hisses, cries of "put +him out." Mark looked around placidly upon his excited audience, and +resumed.] + +I repeat, sir, that in whatsoever position you place a woman she is an +ornament to society and a treasure to the world. As a sweetheart she has +few equals and no superior [laughter]; as a cousin she is convenient; as +a wealthy grandmother with an incurable distemper she is precious; as a +wet nurse she has no equal among men! [Laughter.] + +What, sir, would the people of this earth be without woman? They would +be scarce, sir. (Mighty scarce.)--[another line added later in the +published 'Speeches'. D.W.] Then let us cherish her, let us protect her, +let us give her our support, our encouragement, our sympathy--ourselves, +if we get a chance. [Laughter.] + +But, jesting aside, Mr. President, woman is lovable, gracious, kind of +heart, beautiful; worthy of all respect, of all esteem, of all deference. +Not any here will refuse to drink her health right cordially, for each +and every one of us has personally known, loved, and honored the very +best one of them all--his own mother! [Applause.] + + + + +APPENDIX H + +ANNOUNCEMENT FOR LECTURE OF JULY 2, 1868 + +(See Chapter lxvi) + +THE PUBLIC TO MARK TWAIN--CORRESPONDENCE + +SAN FRANCISCO, June 30th. + +MR. MARK TWAIN--DEAR SIR,--Hearing that you are about to sail for New +York in the P. M. S. S. Company's steamer of the 6th July, to publish a +book, and learning with the deepest concern that you propose to read a +chapter or two of that book in public before you go, we take this method +of expressing our cordial desire that you will not. We beg and implore +you do not. There is a limit to human endurance. + +We are your personal friends. We have your welfare at heart. We desire +to see you prosper. And it is upon these accounts, and upon these only, +that we urge you to desist from the new atrocity you contemplate. Yours +truly, + + 60 names including: Bret Harte, Maj.-Gen. Ord, Maj.-Gen. Halleck, + The Orphan Asylum, and various Benevolent Societies, Citizens on + Foot and Horseback, and 1500 in the Steerage. +(REPLY) + + SAN FRANCISCO, June 30th + +TO THE 1,500 AND OTHERS,--It seems to me that your course is entirely +unprecedented. Heretofore, when lecturers, singers, actors, and other +frauds have said they were about to leave town, you have always been the +very first people to come out in a card beseeching them to hold on for +just one night more, and inflict just one more performance on the public, +but as soon as I want to take a farewell benefit you come after me, with +a card signed by the whole community and the board of aldermen, praying +me not to do it. But it isn't of any use. You cannot move me from my +fell purpose. I will torment the people if I want to. I have a better +right to do it than these strange lecturers and orators that come here +from abroad. It only costs the public a dollar apiece, and if they can't +stand it what do they stay here for? Am I to go away and let them have +peace and quiet for a year and a half, and then come back and only +lecture them twice? What do you take me for? + +No, gentlemen, ask of me anything else and I will do it cheerfully; but +do not ask me not to afflict the people. I wish to tell them all I know +about VENICE. I wish to tell them about the City of the Sea--that most +venerable, most brilliant, and proudest Republic the world has ever seen. +I wish to hint at what it achieved in twelve hundred years, and what it +lost in two hundred. I wish to furnish a deal of pleasant information, +somewhat highly spiced, but still palatable, digestible, and eminently +fitted for the intellectual stomach. My last lecture was not as fine as +I thought it was, but I have submitted this discourse to several able +critics, and they have pronounced it good. Now, therefore, why should I +withhold it? + +Let me talk only just this once, and I will sail positively on the 6th of +July, and stay away until I return from China--two years. + Yours truly, MARK TWAIN. +(FURTHER REMONSTRANCE) + +SAN FRANCISCO, June 30th. + +MR. MARK TWAIN,--Learning with profound regret that you have concluded to +postpone your departure until the 6th July, and learning also, with +unspeakable grief, that you propose to read from your forthcoming book, +or lecture again before you go, at the New Mercantile Library, we hasten +to beg of you that you will not do it. Curb this spirit of lawless +violence, and emigrate at once. Have the vessel's bill for your passage +sent to us. We will pay it. + + Your friends, + Pacific Board of Brokers [and + other financial and social + institutions] + + SAN FRANCISCO, June 30th. + +MR. MARK TWAIN--DEAR SIR,--Will you start now, without any unnecessary +delay? + Yours truly, + Proprietors of the Alta, + Bulletin, Times, Call, Examiner + [and other San Francisco + publications]. + + SAN FRANCISCO, June 30th. + +MR. MARK TWAIN--DEAR SIR,--Do not delay your departure. You can come +back and lecture another time. In the language of the worldly--you can +"cut and come again." + Your friends, + THE CLERGY. + + SAN FRANCISCO, June 30th. + +MR. MARK TWAIN--DEAR SIR,--You had better go. + Yours, + THE CHIEF OF POLICE. +(REPLY) + +SAN FRANCISCO, June 30th. + +GENTLEMEN,--Restrain your emotions; you observe that they cannot avail. +Read: + + NEW MERCANTILE LIBRARY + Bush Street + + Thursday Evening, July 2, 1868 + One Night Only + + FAREWELL LECTURE + of + MARK TWAIN + Subject: + The Oldest of the Republics + VENICE + PAST AND PRESENT + + Box-Office open Wednesday and Thursday + No extra charge for reserved seats + + ADMISSION . . . . . . . . . . . ONE DOLLAR + Doors open at 7 Orgies to commence at 8 P. M. + + The public displays and ceremonies projected to give fitting eclat + to this occasion have been unavoidably delayed until the 4th. The + lecture will be delivered certainly on the 2d, and the event will be + celebrated two days afterward by a discharge of artillery on the + 4th, a procession of citizens, the reading of the Declaration of + Independence, and by a gorgeous display of fireworks from Russian + Hill in the evening, which I have ordered at my sole expense, the + cost amounting to eighty thousand dollars. + + AT NEW MERCANTILE LIBRARY + Bush Street + Thursday Evening, July 2, 1868 + + + + +APPENDIX I + +MARK TWAIN'S CHAMPIONSHIP OF THOMAS K. BEECHER + +(See Chapter lxxiv) + +There was a religious turmoil in Elmira in 1869; a disturbance among the +ministers, due to the success of Thomas K. Beecher in a series of +meetings he was conducting in the Opera House. Mr. Beecher's teachings +had never been very orthodox or doctrinal, but up to this time they had +been seemingly unobjectionable to his brother clergymen, who fraternized +with him and joined with him in the Monday meetings of the Ministerial +Union of Elmira, when each Monday a sermon was read by one of the +members. The situation presently changed. Mr. Beecher was preaching his +doubtful theology to large and nightly increasing audiences, and it was +time to check the exodus. The Ministerial Union of Elmira not only +declined to recognize and abet the Opera House gatherings, but they +requested him to withdraw from their Monday meetings, on the ground that +his teachings were pernicious. Mr. Beecher said nothing of the matter, +and it was not made public until a notice of it appeared in a religious +paper. Naturally such a course did not meet with the approval of the +Langdon family, and awoke the scorn of a man who so detested bigotry in +any form as Mark Twain. He was a stranger in the place, and not +justified to speak over his own signature, but he wrote an article and +read it to members of the Langdon family and to Dr. and Mrs. Taylor, +their intimate friends, who were spending an evening in the Langdon home. +It was universally approved, and the next morning appeared in the Elmira +Advertiser, over the signature of "S'cat." It created a stir, of course. + +The article follows: + + +MR. BEECHER AND THE CLERGY + +"The Ministerial Union of Elmira, N. Y., at a recent meeting passed +resolutions disapproving the teachings of Rev. T. K. Beecher, declining +to co-operate with him in his Sunday evening services at the Opera House, +and requesting him to withdraw from their Monday morning meeting. This +has resulted in his withdrawal, and thus the pastors are relieved from +further responsibility as to his action."--N. Y. Evangelist. + +Poor Beecher! All this time he could do whatever he pleased that was +wrong, and then be perfectly serene and comfortable over it, because the +Ministerial Union of Elmira was responsible to God for it. He could lie +if he wanted to, and those ministers had to answer for it; he could +promote discord in the church of Christ, and those parties had to make it +right with the Deity as best they could; he could teach false doctrines +to empty opera houses, and those sorrowing lambs of the Ministerial Union +had to get out their sackcloth and ashes and stand responsible for it. He +had such a comfortable thing of it! But he went too far. In an evil +hour he slaughtered the simple geese that laid the golden egg of +responsibility for him, and now they will uncover their customary +complacency, and lift up their customary cackle in his behalf no more. +And so, at last, he finds himself in the novel position of being +responsible to God for his acts, instead of to the Ministerial Union of +Elmira. To say that this is appalling is to state it with a degree of +mildness which amounts to insipidity. + +We cannot justly estimate this calamity, without first reviewing certain +facts that conspired to bring it about. Mr. Beecher was and is in the +habit of preaching to a full congregation in the Independent +Congregational Church, in this city. The meeting-house was not large +enough to accommodate all the people who desired admittance. Mr. Beecher +regularly attended the meetings of the Ministerial Union of Elmira every +Monday morning, and they received him into their fellowship, and never +objected to the doctrines which he taught in his church. So, in an +unfortunate moment, he conceived the strange idea that they would connive +at the teaching of the same doctrines in the same way in a larger house. +Therefore he secured the Opera House and proceeded to preach there every +Sunday evening to assemblages comprising from a thousand to fifteen +hundred persons. He felt warranted in this course by a passage of +Scripture which says, "Go ye into all the world and preach the gospel +unto every creature." Opera-houses were not ruled out specifically in +this passage, and so he considered it proper to regard opera-houses as a +part of "all the world." He looked upon the people who assembled there +as coming under the head of "every creature." These ideas were as absurd +as they were farfetched, but still they were the honest ebullitions of a +diseased mind. His great mistake was in supposing that when he had the +Saviour's indorsement of his conduct he had all that was necessary. He +overlooked the fact that there might possibly be a conflict of opinion +between the Saviour and the Ministerial Union of Elmira. And there was. +Wherefore, blind and foolish Mr. Beecher went to his destruction. The +Ministerial Union withdrew their approbation, and left him dangling in +the air, with no other support than the countenance and approval of the +gospel of Christ. + +Mr. Beecher invited his brother ministers to join forces with him and +help him conduct the Opera House meetings. They declined with great +unanimity. In this they were wrong. Since they did not approve of those +meetings, it was a duty they owed to their consciences and their God to +contrive their discontinuance. They knew this. They felt it. Yet they +turned coldly away and refused to help at those meetings, when they well +knew that their help, earnestly and persistently given, was able to kill +any great religious enterprise that ever was conceived of. + +The ministers refused, and the calamitous meetings at the Opera House +continued; and not only continued, but grew in interest and importance, +and sapped of their congregations churches where the Gospel was preached +with that sweet monotonous tranquillity and that impenetrable profundity +which stir up such consternation in the strongholds of sin. It is a pity +to have to record here that one clergyman refused to preach at the Opera +House at Mr. Beecher's request, even when that incendiary was sick and +disabled; and if that man's conscience justifies him in that refusal I do +not. Under the plea of charity for a sick brother he could have preached +to that Opera House multitude a sermon that would have done incalculable +damage to the Opera House experiment. And he need not have been +particular about the sermon he chose, either. He could have relied on +any he had in his barrel. + +The Opera House meetings went on; other congregations were thin, and grew +thinner, but the Opera House assemblages were vast. Every Sunday night, +in spite of sense and reason, multitudes passed by the churches where +they might have been saved, and marched deliberately to the Opera House +to be damned. The community talked, talked, talked. Everybody discussed +the fact that the Ministerial Union disapproved of the Opera House +meetings; also the fact that they disapproved of the teachings put forth +there. And everybody wondered how the Ministerial Union could tell +whether to approve or disapprove of those teachings, seeing that those +clergymen had never attended an Opera House meeting, and therefore didn't +know what was taught there. Everybody wondered over that curious +question, and they had to take it out in wondering. + +Mr. Beecher asked the Ministerial Union to state their objections to the +Opera House matter. They could not--at least they did not. He said to +them that if they would come squarely out and tell him that they desired +the discontinuance of those meetings he would discontinue them. They +declined to do that. Why should they have declined? They had no right +to decline, and no excuse to decline, if they honestly believed that +those meetings interfered in the slightest degree with the best interests +of religion. (That is a proposition which the profoundest head among +them cannot get around.) + +But the Opera House meetings went on. That was the mischief of it. And +so, one Monday morning, when Mr. B. appeared at the usual Ministers' +meeting, his brother clergymen desired him to come there no more. He +asked why. They gave no reason. They simply declined to have his +company longer. Mr. B. said he could not accept of this execution +without a trial, and since he loved them and had nothing against them he +must insist upon meeting with them in the future just the same as ever. +And so, after that, they met in secret, and thus got rid of this man's +importunate affection. + +The Ministerial Union had ruled out Beecher--a point gained. He would +get up an excitement about it in public. But that was a miscalculation. +He never mentioned it. They waited and waited for the grand crash, but +it never came. After all their labor-pains, their ministerial mountain +had brought forth only a mouse--and a still-born one at that. Beecher +had not told on them; Beecher malignantly persisted in not telling on +them. The opportunity was slipping away. Alas, for the humiliation of +it, they had to come out and tell it themselves! And after all, their +bombshell did not hurt anybody when they did explode it. They had ceased +to be responsible to God for Beecher, and yet nobody seemed paralyzed +about it. Somehow, it was not even of sufficient importance, apparently, +to get into the papers, though even the poor little facts that Smith has +bought a trotting team and Alderman Jones's child has the measles are +chronicled there with avidity. Something must be done. As the +Ministerial Union had told about their desolating action, when nobody +else considered it of enough importance to tell, they would also publish +it, now that the reporters failed to see anything in it important enough +to print. And so they startled the entire religious world no doubt by +solemnly printing in the Evangelist the paragraph which heads this +article. They have got their excommunication-bull started at last. It +is going along quite lively now, and making considerable stir, let us +hope. They even know it in Podunk, wherever that may be. It excited a +two-line paragraph there. Happy, happy world, that knows at last that a +little congress of congregationless clergymen of whom it had never heard +before have crushed a famous Beecher, and reduced his audiences from +fifteen hundred down to fourteen hundred and seventy-five at one fell +blow! Happy, happy world, that knows at last that these obscure +innocents are no longer responsible for the blemishless teachings, the +power, the pathos, the logic, and the other and manifold intellectual +pyrotechnics that seduce, but to damn, the Opera House assemblages every +Sunday night in Elmira! And miserable, O thrice miserable Beecher! For +the Ministerial Union of Elmira will never, no, never more be responsible +to God for his shortcomings. (Excuse these tears.) + +(For the protection of a man who is uniformly charged with all the +newspaper deviltry that sees the light in Elmira journals, I take this +opportunity of stating, under oath, duly subscribed before a magistrate, +that Mr. Beecher did not write this article. And further still, that he +did not inspire it. And further still, the Ministerial Union of Elmira +did not write it. And finally, the Ministerial Union did not ask me to +write it. No, I have taken up this cudgel in defense of the Ministerial +Union of Elmira solely from a love of justice. Without solicitation, I +have constituted myself the champion of the Ministerial Union of Elmira, +and it shall be a labor of love with me to conduct their side of a +quarrel in print for them whenever they desire me to do it; or if they +are busy, and have not the time to ask me, I will cheerfully do it +anyhow. In closing this I must remark that if any question the right of +the clergymen of Elmira to turn Mr. Beecher out of the Ministerial Union, +to such I answer that Mr. Beecher recreated that institution after it had +been dead for many years, and invited those gentlemen to come into it, +which they did, and so of course they have a right to turn him out if +they want to. The difference between Beecher and the man who put an +adder in his bosom is, that Beecher put in more adders than he did, and +consequently had a proportionately livelier time of it when they got +warmed up.) + Cheerfully, + S'CAT. + + + + +APPENDIX J + +THE INDIGNITY PUT UPON THE REMAINS OF GEORGE HOLLAND BY THE REV. MR. +SABINE. + +(See Chapter lxxvii) + +What a ludicrous satire it was upon Christian charity!--even upon the +vague, theoretical idea of it which doubtless this small saint mouths +from his own pulpit every Sunday. Contemplate this freak of nature, and +think what a Cardiff giant of self-righteousness is crowded into his +pigmy skin. If we probe, and dissect; and lay open this diseased, this +cancerous piety of his, we are forced to the conviction that it is the +production of an impression on his part that his guild do about all the +good that is done on the earth, and hence are better than common clay +--hence are competent to say to such as George Holland, "You are +unworthy; you are a play-actor, and consequently a sinner; I cannot take +the responsibility of recommending you to the mercy of Heaven." It must +have had its origin in that impression, else he would have thought, "We +are all instruments for the carrying out of God's purposes; it is not for +me to pass judgment upon your appointed share of the work, or to praise +or to revile it; I have divine authority for it that we are all sinners, +and therefore it is not for me to discriminate and say we will supplicate +for this sinner, for he was a merchant prince or a banker, but we will +beseech no forgiveness for this other one, for he was a play-actor." + +It surely requires the furthest possible reach of self-righteousness to +enable a man to lift his scornful nose in the air and turn his back upon +so poor and pitiable a thing as a dead stranger come to beg the last +kindness that humanity can do in its behalf. This creature has violated +the letter of the Gospel, and judged George Holland--not George Holland, +either, but his profession through him. Then it is, in a measure, fair +that we judge this creature's guild through him. In effect he has said, +"We are the salt of the earth; we do all the good work that is done; to +learn how to be good and do good men must come to us; actors and such are +obstacles to moral progress." Pray look at the thing reasonably a +moment, laying aside all biases of education and custom. If a common +public impression is fair evidence of a thing then this minister's +legitimate, recognized, and acceptable business is to tell people calmly, +coldly, and in stiff, written sentences, from the pulpit, to go and do +right, be just, be merciful, be charitable. And his congregation forget +it all between church and home. But for fifty years it was George +Holland's business on the stage to make his audience go and do right, and +be just, merciful, and charitable--because by his living, breathing, +feeling pictures he showed them what it was to do these things, and how +to do them, and how instant and ample was the reward! Is it not a +singular teacher of men, this reverend gentleman who is so poorly +informed himself as to put the whole stage under ban, and say, "I do not +think it teaches moral lessons"? Where was ever a sermon preached that +could make filial ingratitude so hateful to men as the sinful play of +"King Lear"? Or where was there ever a sermon that could so convince men +of the wrong and the cruelty of harboring a pampered and unanalyzed +jealousy as the sinful play of "Othello"? And where are there ten +preachers who can stand in the pulpit preaching heroism, unselfish +devotion, and lofty patriotism, and hold their own against any one of +five hundred William Tells that can be raised upon five hundred stages in +the land at a day's notice? It is almost fair and just to aver (although +it is profanity) that nine-tenths of all the kindness and forbearance and +Christian charity and generosity in the hearts of the American people +today got there by being filtered down from their fountain-head, the +gospel of Christ, through dramas and tragedies and comedies on the stage, +and through the despised novel and the Christmas story, and through the +thousand and one lessons, suggestions, and narratives of generous deeds +that stir the pulses, and exalt and augment the nobility of the nation +day by day from the teeming columns of ten thousand newspapers, and not +from the drowsy pulpit. + +All that is great and good in our particular civilization came straight +from the hand of Jesus Christ, and many creatures, and of divers sorts, +were doubtless appointed to disseminate it; and let us believe that this +seed and the result are the main thing, and not the cut of the sower's +garment; and that whosoever, in his way and according to his opportunity, +sows the one and produces the other, has done high service and worthy. +And further, let us try with all our strength to believe that whenever +old simple-hearted George Holland sowed this seed, and reared his crop of +broader charities and better impulses in men's hearts, it was just as +acceptable before the Throne as if the seed had been scattered in vapid +platitudes from the pulpit of the ineffable Sabine himself. + +Am I saying that the pulpit does not do its share toward disseminating +the marrow, the meat of the gospel of Christ? (For we are not talking of +ceremonies and wire-drawn creeds now, but the living heart and soul of +what is pretty often only a specter.) + +No, I am not saying that. The pulpit teaches assemblages of people twice +a week nearly two hours altogether--and does what it can in that time. +The theater teaches large audiences seven times a week--28 or 30 hours +altogether--and the novels and newspapers plead, and argue, and +illustrate, stir, move, thrill, thunder, urge, persuade, and supplicate, +at the feet of millions and millions of people every single day, and all +day long and far into the night; and so these vast agencies till +nine-tenths of the vineyard, and the pulpit tills the other tenth. Yet +now and then some complacent blind idiot says, "You unanointed are coarse +clay and useless; you are not as we, the regenerators of the world; go, +bury yourselves elsewhere, for we cannot take the responsibility of +recommending idlers and sinners to the yearning mercy of Heaven." How +does a soul like that stay in a carcass without getting mixed with the +secretions and sweated out through the pores? Think of this insect +condemning the whole theatrical service as a disseminator of bad morals +because it has Black Crooks in it; forgetting that if that were +sufficient ground people would condemn the pulpit because it had Crooks +and Kallochs and Sabines in it! + +No, I am not trying to rob the pulpit of any atom of its full share and +credit in the work of disseminating the meat and marrow of the gospel of +Christ; but I am trying to get a moment's hearing for worthy agencies in +the same work, that with overwrought modesty seldom or never claim a +recognition of their great services. I am aware that the pulpit does its +excellent one-tenth (and credits itself with it now and then, though most +of the time a press of business causes it to forget it); I am aware that +in its honest and well-meaning way it bores the people with uninflammable +truisms about doing good; bores them with correct compositions on +charity; bores them, chloroforms them, stupefies them with argumentative +mercy without a flaw in the grammar or an emotion which the minister +could put in in the right place if he turned his back and took his finger +off the manuscript. And in doing these things the pulpit is doing its +duty, and let us believe that it is likewise doing its best, and doing it +in the most harmless and respectable way. And so I have said, and shall +keep on saying, let us give the pulpit its full share of credit in +elevating and ennobling the people; but when a pulpit takes to itself +authority to pass judgment upon the work and worth of just as legitimate +an instrument of God as itself, who spent a long life preaching from the +stage the selfsame gospel without the alteration of a single sentiment or +a single axiom of right, it is fair and just that somebody who believes +that actors were made for a high and good purpose, and that they +accomplish the object of their creation and accomplish it well, should +protest. And having protested, it is also fair and just--being driven to +it, as it were--to whisper to the Sabine pattern of clergyman, under the +breath, a simple, instructive truth, and say, "Ministers are not the only +servants of God upon earth, nor his most efficient ones, either, by a +very, very long distance!" Sensible ministers already know this, and it +may do the other kind good to find it out. + +But to cease teaching and go back to the beginning again, was it not +pitiable--that spectacle? Honored and honorable old George Holland, +whose theatrical ministry had for fifty years softened hard hearts, bred +generosity in cold ones, kindled emotion in dead ones, uplifted base +ones, broadened bigoted ones, and made many and many a stricken one glad +and filled it brimful of gratitude, figuratively spit upon in his +unoffending coffin by this crawling, slimy, sanctimonious, self-righteous +reptile! + + + + +APPENDIX K + +A SUBSTITUTE FOR RULOFF HAVE WE A SIDNEY CARTON AMONG US? + +(See Chapter lxxxii) + +To EDITOR of 'Tribune'. + +SIR,--I believe in capital punishment. I believe that when a murder has +been done it should be answered for with blood. I have all my life been +taught to feel this way, and the fetters of education are strong. The +fact that the death--law is rendered almost inoperative by its very +severity does not alter my belief in its righteousness. The fact that in +England the proportion of executions to condemnations is one to sixteen, +and in this country only one to twenty-two, and in France only one to +thirty-eight, does not shake my steadfast confidence in the propriety of +retaining the death-penalty. It is better to hang one murderer in +sixteen, twenty-two, thirty-eight than not to hang any at all. + +Feeling as I do, I am not sorry that Ruloff is to be hanged, but I am +sincerely sorry that he himself has made it necessary that his vast +capabilities for usefulness should be lost to the world. In this, mine +and the public's is a common regret. For it is plain that in the person +of Ruloff one of the most marvelous of intellects that any age has +produced is about to be sacrificed, and that, too, while half the mystery +of its strange powers is yet a secret. Here is a man who has never +entered the doors of a college or a university, and yet by the sheer +might of his innate gifts has made himself such a colossus in abstruse +learning that the ablest of our scholars are but pigmies in his presence. +By the evidence of Professor Mather, Mr. Surbridge, Mr. Richmond, and +other men qualified to testify, this man is as familiar with the broad +domain of philology as common men are with the passing events of the day. +His memory has such a limitless grasp that he is able to quote sentence +after sentence, paragraph after paragraph, chapter after chapter, from a +gnarled and knotty ancient literature that ordinary scholars are capable +of achieving little more than a bowing acquaintance with. But his memory +is the least of his great endowments. By the testimony of the gentlemen +above referred to he is able to critically analyze the works of the old +masters of literature, and while pointing out the beauties of the +originals with a pure and discriminating taste is as quick to detect the +defects of the accepted translations; and in the latter case, if +exceptions be taken to his judgment, he straightway opens up the quarries +of his exhaustless knowledge, and builds a very Chinese wall of evidence +around his position. Every learned man who enters Ruloff's presence +leaves it amazed and confounded by his prodigious capabilities and +attainments. One scholar said he did not believe that in matters of +subtle analysis, vast knowledge in his peculiar field of research, +comprehensive grasp of subject, and serene kingship over its limitless +and bewildering details, any land or any era of modern times had given +birth to Ruloff's intellectual equal. What miracles this murderer might +have wrought, and what luster he might have shed upon his country, if he +had not put a forfeit upon his life so foolishly! But what if the law +could be satisfied, and the gifted criminal still be saved. If a life be +offered up on the gallows to atone for the murder Ruloff did, will that +suffice? If so, give me the proofs, for in all earnestness and truth I +aver that in such a case I will instantly bring forward a man who, in the +interests of learning and science, will take Ruloff's crime upon himself, +and submit to be hanged in Ruloff's place. I can, and will do this +thing; and I propose this matter, and make this offer in good faith. You +know me, and know my address. + SAMUEL LANGHORNE. + April 29, 1871. + + + + +APPENDIX L + +ABOUT LONDON + +ADDRESS AT A DINNER GIVEN BY THE SAVAGE CLUB, LONDON, SEPTEMBER 28, 1872. + +(See Chapter lxxxvii) + +Reported by Moncure D. Conway in the Cincinnati Commercial + +It affords me sincere pleasure to meet this distinguished club, a club +which has extended its hospitalities and its cordial welcome to so many +of my countrymen. I hope [and here the speaker's voice became low and +fluttering] you will excuse these clothes. I am going to the theater; +that will explain these clothes. I have other clothes than these. +Judging human nature by what I have seen of it, I suppose that the +customary thing for a stranger to do when he stands here is to make a pun +on the name of this club, under the impression, of course, that he is the +first man that that idea has occurred to. It is a credit to our human +nature, not a blemish upon it; for it shows that underlying all our +depravity (and God knows and you know we are depraved enough) and all our +sophistication, and untarnished by them, there is a sweet germ of +innocence and simplicity still. When a stranger says to me, with a glow +of inspiration in his eye, some gentle, innocuous little thing about +"Twain and one flesh" and all that sort of thing, I don't try to crush +that man into the earth--no. I feel like saying, "Let me take you by the +hand, sir; let me embrace you; I have not heard that pun for weeks." We +will deal in palpable puns. We will call parties named King "your +Majesty" and we will say to the Smiths that we think we have heard that +name before somewhere. Such is human nature. We cannot alter this. It +is God that made us so for some good and wise purpose. Let us not +repine. But though I may seem strange, may seem eccentric, I mean to +refrain from punning upon the name of this club, though I could make a +very good one if I had time to think about it--a week. + +I cannot express to you what entire enjoyment I find in this first visit +to this prodigious metropolis of yours. Its wonders seem to me to be +limitless. I go about as in a dream--as in a realm of enchantment--where +many things are rare and beautiful, and all things are strange and +marvelous. Hour after hour I stand--I stand spellbound, as it were-and +gaze upon the statuary in Leicester Square. [Leicester Square being a +horrible chaos, with the relic of an equestrian statue in the center, the +king being headless and limbless, and the horse in little better +condition.] I visit the mortuary effigies of noble old Henry VIII., and +Judge Jeffreys, and the preserved gorilla, and try to make up my mind +which of my ancestors I admire the most. I go to that matchless Hyde +Park and drive all around it, and then I start to enter it at the Marble +Arch--and am induced to "change my mind." [Cabs are not permitted in +Hyde Park--nothing less aristocratic than a private carriage.] It is a +great benefaction--is Hyde Park. There, in his hansom cab, the invalid +can go--the poor, sad child of misfortune--and insert his nose between +the railings, and breathe the pure, health-giving air of the country and +of heaven. And if he is a swell invalid who isn't obliged to depend upon +parks for his country air he can drive inside--if he owns his vehicle. I +drive round and round Hyde Park and the more I see of the edges of it the +more grateful I am that the margin is extensive. + +And I have been to the Zoological Gardens. What a wonderful place that +is! I have never seen such a curious and interesting variety of +wild-animals in any garden before--except Mabille. I never believed +before there were so many different kinds of animals in the world as you +can find there--and I don't believe it yet. I have been to the British +Museum. I would advise you to drop in there some time when you have +nothing to do for--five minutes--if you have never been there. It seems +to me the noblest monument this nation has, yet erected to her greatness. +I say to her, our greatness--as a nation. True, she has built other +monuments, and stately ones, as well; but these she has uplifted in honor +of two or three colossal demigods who have stalked across the world's +stage, destroying tyrants and delivering nations, and whose prodigies +will still live in the memories of men ages after their monuments shall +have crumbled to dust--I refer to the Wellington and Nelson monuments, +and--the Albert memorial. [Sarcasm. The Albert memorial is the finest +monument in the world, and celebrates the existence of as commonplace a +person as good luck ever lifted out of obscurity.] + +The Library at the British Museum I find particularly astounding. I have +read there hours together, and hardly made an impression on it. I revere +that library. It is the author's friend. I don't care how mean a book +is, it always takes one copy. [A copy of every book printed in Great +Britain must by law be sent to the British Museum, a law much complained +of by publishers.] And then every day that author goes there to gaze at +that book, and is encouraged to go on in the good work. And what a +touching sight it is of a Saturday afternoon to see the poor, careworn +clergymen gathered together in that vast reading-room cabbaging sermons +for Sunday! You will pardon my referring to these things. Everything in +this monster city interests me, and I cannot keep from talking, even at +the risk of being instructive. People here seem always to express +distances by parables. To a stranger it is just a little confusing to be +so parabolic--so to speak. I collar a citizen, and I think I am going to +get some valuable information out of him. I ask him how far it is to +Birmingham, and he says it is twenty-one shillings and sixpence. Now we +know that doesn't help a man who is trying to learn. I find myself +down-town somewhere, and I want to get some sort of idea where I +am--being usually lost when alone--and I stop a citizen and say, "How far +is it to Charing Cross?" "Shilling fare in a cab," and off he goes. I +suppose if I were to ask a Londoner how far it is from the sublime to the +ridiculous he would try to express it in a coin. But I am trespassing +upon your time with these geological statistics and historical +reflections. I will not longer keep you from your orgies. 'Tis a real +pleasure for me to be here, and I thank you for it. The name of the +Savage Club is associated in my mind with the kindly interest and the +friendly offices which you lavished upon an old friend of mine who came +among you a stranger, and you opened your English hearts to him and gave +him a welcome and a home--Artemus Ward. Asking that you will join me, I +give you his Memory. + + + + +APPENDIX M + +LETTER WRITTEN TO MRS. CLEMENS FROM BOSTON, NOVEMBER, 1874, PROPHESYING A +MONARCHY IN SIXTY-ONE YEARS. + +(See Chapter xcvii) + + BOSTON, November 16, 1935. + +DEAR LIVY,--You observe I still call this beloved old place by the name +it had when I was young. Limerick! It is enough to make a body sick. + +The gentlemen-in-waiting stare to see me sit here telegraphing this +letter to you, and no doubt they are smiling in their sleeves. But let +them! The slow old fashions are good enough for me, thank God, and I +will none other. When I see one of these modern fools sit absorbed, +holding the end of a telegraph wire in his hand, and reflect that a +thousand miles away there is another fool hitched to the other end of it, +it makes me frantic with rage; and then I am more implacably fixed and +resolved than ever to continue taking twenty minutes to telegraph you +what I might communicate in ten seconds by the new way if I would so +debase myself. And when I see a whole silent, solemn drawing-room full +of idiots sitting with their hands on each other's foreheads "communing" +I tug the white hairs from my head and curse till my asthma brings me the +blessed relief of suffocation. In our old day such a gathering talked +pure drivel and "rot," mostly, but better that, a thousand times, than +these dreary conversational funerals that oppress our spirits in this mad +generation. + +It is sixty years since I was here before. I walked hither then with my +precious old friend. It seems incredible now that we did it in two days, +but such is my recollection. I no longer mention that we walked back in +a single day, it makes me so furious to see doubt in the face of the +hearer. Men were men in those old times. Think of one of the puerile +organisms in this effeminate age attempting such a feat. + +My air-ship was delayed by a collision with a fellow from China loaded +with the usual cargo of jabbering, copper-colored missionaries, and so I +was nearly an hour on my journey. But by the goodness of God thirteen of +the missionaries were crippled and several killed, so I was content to +lose the time. I love to lose time anyway because it brings soothing +reminiscences of the creeping railroad days of old, now lost to us +forever. + +Our game was neatly played, and successfully. None expected us, of +course. You should have seen the guards at the ducal palace stare when I +said, "Announce his Grace the Archbishop of Dublin and the Right +Honorable the Earl of Hartford." Arrived within, we were all eyes to see +the Duke of Cambridge and his Duchess, wondering if we might remember +their faces and they ours. In a moment they came tottering in; he, bent +and withered and bald; she, blooming with wholesome old age. He peered +through his glasses a moment, then screeched in a reedy voice, "Come to +my arms! Away with titles--I'll know ye by no names but Twain and +Twichell!" Then fell he on our necks and jammed his trumpet in his ear, +the which we filled with shoutings to this effect: "God bless you, old +Howells, what is left of you!" + +We talked late that night--none of your silent idiot "communings" for us +--of the olden time. We rolled a stream of ancient anecdotes over our +tongues and drank till the Lord Archbishop grew so mellow in the mellow +past that Dublin ceased to be Dublin to him, and resumed its sweeter, +forgotten name of New York. In truth he almost got back into his ancient +religion, too, good Jesuit as he has always been since O'Mulligan the +First established that faith in the empire. + +And we canvassed everybody. Bailey Aldrich, Marquis of Ponkapog, came +in, got nobly drunk, and told us all about how poor Osgood lost his +earldom and was hanged for conspiring against the second Emperor; but he +didn't mention how near he himself came to being hanged, too, for +engaging in the same enterprise. He was as chaffy as he was sixty years +ago, too, and swore the Archbishop and I never walked to Boston; but +there was never a day that Ponkapog wouldn't lie, so be it by the grace +of God he got the opportunity. + +The Lord High Admiral came in, a hale gentleman close upon seventy and +bronzed by the suns and storms of many climes and scarred by the wounds +got in many battles, and I told him how I had seen him sit in a +high-chair and eat fruit and cakes and answer to the name of Johnny. His +granddaughter (the eldest) is but lately married to the youngest of the +Grand Dukes, and so who knows but a day may come when the blood of the +Howellses may reign in the land? I must not forget to say, while I think +of it, that your new false teeth are done, my dear, and your wig. Keep +your head well bundled with a shawl till the latter comes, and so cheat +your persecuting neuralgias and rheumatisms. Would you believe it?--the +Duchess of Cambridge is deafer than you--deafer than her husband. They +call her to breakfast with a salvo of artillery; and usually when it +thunders she looks up expectantly and says, "Come in." But she has +become subdued and gentle with age and never destroys the furniture now, +except when uncommonly vexed. God knows, my dear, it would be a happy +thing if you and old Lady Harmony would imitate this spirit. But indeed +the older you grow the less secure becomes the furniture. When I throw +chairs through the window I have sufficient reason to back it. But you +--you are but a creature of passion. + +The monument to the author of 'Gloverson and His Silent Partners' is +finished.--[Ralph Keeler. See chap. lxxxiii.]--It is the stateliest and +the costliest ever erected to the memory of any man. This noble classic +has now been translated into all the languages of the earth and is adored +by all nations and known to all creatures. Yet I have conversed as +familiarly with the author of it as I do with my own great-grandchildren. + +I wish you could see old Cambridge and Ponkapog. I love them as dearly +as ever, but privately, my dear, they are not much improvement on idiots. +It is melancholy to hear them jabber over the same pointless anecdotes +three and four times of an evening, forgetting that they had jabbered +them over three or four times the evening before. Ponkapog still writes +poetry, but the old-time fire has mostly gone out of it. Perhaps his +best effort of late years is this: + + O soul, soul, soul of mine! + Soul, soul, soul of throe! + Thy soul, my soul, two souls entwine, + And sing thy lauds in crystal wine! + +This he goes about repeating to everybody, daily and nightly, insomuch +that he is become a sore affliction to all that know him. + +But I must desist. There are draughts here everywhere and my gout is +something frightful. My left foot hath resemblance to a snuff-bladder. +God be with you. + HARTFORD. + +These to Lady Hartford, in the earldom of Hartford, in the upper portion +of the city of Dublin. + + + + +APPENDIX N + +MARK TWAIN AND COPYRIGHT + +I + +PETITION + +Concerning Copyright (1875) (See Chapter cii) + +TO THE SENATE AND HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES OF THE UNITED STATES IN +CONGRESS ASSEMBLED. + +We, your petitioners, do respectfully represent as follows, viz.: That +justice, plain and simple, is a thing which right-feeling men stand ready +at all times to accord to brothers and strangers alike. All such men +will concede that it is but plain, simple justice that American authors +should be protected by copyright in Europe; also, that European authors +should be protected by copyright here. + +Both divisions of this proposition being true, it behooves our government +to concern itself with that division of it which comes peculiarly within +its province--viz., the latter moiety--and to grant to foreign authors +with all convenient despatch a full and effective copyright in America +without marring the grace of the act by stopping to inquire whether a +similar justice will be done our own authors by foreign governments. If +it were even known that those governments would not extend this justice +to us it would still not justify us in withholding this manifest right +from their authors. If a thing is right it ought to be done--the thing +called "expediency" or "policy" has no concern with such a matter. And +we desire to repeat, with all respect, that it is not a grace or a +privilege we ask for our foreign brethren, but a right--a right received +from God, and only denied them by man. We hold no ownership in these +authors, and when we take their work from them, as at present, without +their consent, it is robbery. The fact that the handiwork of our own +authors is seized in the same way in foreign lands neither excuses nor +mitigates our sin. + +With your permission we will say here, over our signatures, and earnestly +and sincerely, that we very greatly desire that you shall grant a full +copyright to foreign authors (the copyright fee for the entry in the +office of the Congressional Librarian to be the same as we pay +ourselves), and we also as greatly desire that this grant shall be made +without a single hampering stipulation that American authors shall +receive in turn an advantage of any kind from foreign governments. + +Since no author who was applied to hesitated for a moment to append his +signature to this petition we are satisfied that if time had permitted we +could have procured the signature of every writer in the United States, +great and small, obscure or famous. As it is, the list comprises the +names of about all our writers whose works have at present a European +market, and who are therefore chiefly concerned in this matter. + +No objection to our proposition can come from any reputable publisher +among us--or does come from such a quarter, as the appended signatures of +our greatest publishing firms will attest. A European copyright here +would be a manifest advantage to them. As the matter stands now the +moment they have thoroughly advertised a desirable foreign book, and thus +at great expense aroused public interest in it, some small-spirited +speculator (who has lain still in his kennel and spent nothing) rushes +the same book on the market and robs the respectable publisher of half +the gains. + +Then, since neither our authors nor the decent among our publishing firms +will object to granting an American copyright to foreign authors and +artists, who can there be to object? Surely nobody whose protest is +entitled to any weight. + +Trusting in the righteousness of our cause we, your petitioners, will +ever pray, etc. + With great respect, + Your Ob't Serv'ts. + + + + +CIRCULAR TO AMERICAN AUTHORS AND PUBLISHERS + +DEAR SIR,--We believe that you will recognize the justice and the +righteousness of the thing we desire to accomplish through the +accompanying petition. And we believe that you will be willing that our +country shall be the first in the world to grant to all authors alike the +free exercise of their manifest right to do as they please with the fruit +of their own labor without inquiring what flag they live under. If the +sentiments of the petition meet your views, will you do us the favor to +sign it and forward it by post at your earliest convenience to our +secretary? + }Committee +Address + -------------------Secretary of the Committee. + + + + +II + +Communications supposed to have been written by the Tsar of Russia and +the Sultan of Turkey to Mark Twain on the subject of International +Copyright, about 1890. + + ST. PETERSBURG, February. + +COL. MARK TWAIN, Washington. + +Your cablegram received. It should have been transmitted through my +minister, but let that pass. I am opposed to international copyright. At +present American literature is harmless here because we doctor it in such +a way as to make it approve the various beneficent devices which we use +to keep our people favorable to fetters as jewelry and pleased with +Siberia as a summer resort. But your bill would spoil this. We should +be obliged to let you say your say in your own way. 'Voila'! my empire +would be a republic in five years and I should be sampling Siberia +myself. + +If you should run across Mr. Kennan--[George Kennan, who had graphically +pictured the fearful conditions of Siberian exile.]--please ask him to +come over and give some readings. I will take good care of him. + + ALEXANDER III. + +144--Collect. + + CONSTANTINOPLE, February. + +DR. MARK TWAIN, Washington. + +Great Scott, no! By the beard of the Prophet, no! How can you ask such +a thing of me? I am a man of family. I cannot take chances, like other +people. I cannot let a literature come in here which teaches that a +man's wife is as good as the man himself. Such a doctrine cannot do any +particular harm, of course, where the man has only one wife, for then it +is a dead-level between them, and there is no humiliating inequality, and +no resulting disorder; but you take an extremely married person, like me, +and go to teaching that his wife is 964 times as good as he is, and +what's hell to that harem, dear friend? I never saw such a fool as you. +Do not mind that expression; I already regret it, and would replace it +with a softer one if I could do it without debauching the truth. I +beseech you, do not pass that bill. Roberts College is quite all the +American product we can stand just now. On top of that, do you want to +send us a flood of freedom-shrieking literature which we can't edit the +poison out of, but must let it go among our people just as it is? My +friend, we should be a republic inside of ten years. + + ABDUL II. + + +III + +MARK TWAIN'S LAST SUGGESTION ON COPYRIGHT. + +A MEMORIAL RESPECTFULLY TENDERED TO THE MEMBERS OF THE SENATE AND THE +HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES. + +(Prepared early in 1909 at the suggestion of Mr. Champ Clack but not +offered. A bill adding fourteen years to the copyright period was passed +about this time.) + +The Policy of Congress:--Nineteen or twenty years ago James Russell +Lowell, George Haven Putnam, and the under signed appeared before the +Senate Committee on Patents in the interest of Copyright. Up to that +time, as explained by Senator Platt, of Connecticut, the policy of +Congress had been to limit the life of a copyright by a term of years, +with one definite end in view, and only one--to wit, that after an author +had been permitted to enjoy for a reasonable length of time the income +from literary property created by his hand and brain the property should +then be transferred "to the public" as a free gift. That is still the +policy of Congress to-day. + +The Purpose in View:--The purpose in view was clear: to so reduce the +price of the book as to bring it within the reach of all purses, and +spread it among the millions who had not been able to buy it while it was +still under the protection of copyright. + +The Purpose Defeated:--This purpose has always been defeated. That is to +say, that while the death of a copyright has sometimes reduced the price +of a book by a half for a while, and in some cases by even more, it has +never reduced it vastly, nor accomplished any reduction that was +permanent and secure. + +The Reason:--The reason is simple: Congress has never made a reduction +compulsory. Congress was convinced that the removal of the author's +royalty and the book's consequent (or at least probable) dispersal among +several competing publishers would make the book cheap by force of the +competition. It was an error. It has not turned out so. The reason is, +a publisher cannot find profit in an exceedingly cheap edition if he must +divide the market with competitors. + +Proposed Remedy:--The natural remedy would seem to be, amended law +requiring the issue of cheap editions. + +Copyright Extension:--I think the remedy could be accomplished in the +following way, without injury to author or publisher, and with extreme +advantage to the public: by an amendment to the existing law providing as +follows--to wit: that at any time between the beginning of a book's +forty-first year and the ending of its forty-second the owner of the +copyright may extend its life thirty years by issuing and placing on sale +an edition of the book at one-tenth the price of the cheapest edition +hitherto issued at any time during the ten immediately preceding years. +This extension to lapse and become null and void if at any time during +the thirty years he shall fail during the space of three consecutive +months to furnish the ten per cent. book upon demand of any person or +persons desiring to buy it. + +The Result:--The result would be that no American classic enjoying the +thirty-year extension would ever be out of the reach of any American +purse, let its uncompulsory price be what it might. He would get a +two-dollar book for 20 cents, and he could get none but copyright-expired +classics at any such rate. + +The Final Result:--At the end of the thirty-year extension the copyright +would again die, and the price would again advance. This by a natural +law, the excessively cheap edition no longer carrying with it an +advantage to any publisher. + +Reconstruction of The Present Law Not Necessary:--A clause of the +suggested amendment could read about as follows, and would obviate the +necessity of taking the present law to pieces and building it over again: + + All books and all articles enjoying forty-two years copyright-life + under the present law shall be admitted to the privilege of the + thirty-year extension upon complying with the condition requiring + the producing and placing upon permanent sale of one grade or form + of said book or article at a price of 90 per cent. below the + cheapest rate at which said book or article had been placed upon the + market at any time during the immediately preceding ten years. + + REMARKS + +If the suggested amendment shall meet with the favor of the present +Congress and become law--and I hope it will--I shall have personal +experience of its effects very soon. Next year, in fact, in the person +of my first book, 'The Innocents Abroad'. For its forty-two-year +copyright-life will then cease and its thirty-year extension begin--and +with the latter the permanent low-rate edition. At present the highest +price of the book is eight dollars, and its lowest price three dollars +per copy. Thus the permanent low rate will be thirty cents per copy. A +sweeping reduction like this is what Congress from the beginning has +desired to achieve, but has not been able to accomplish because no +inducement was offered to publishers to run the risk. + + Respectfully submitted, + + S. L. CLEMENS. + +(A full and interesting elucidation of Mark Twain's views on Copyright +may be found in an article entitled "Concerning Copyright," published in +the North American Review for January, 1905.) + + + + +APPENDIX O + +(See Chapter cxiv) + + Address of Samuel L. Clemens (Mark Twain) from a report of the + dinner given by the publishers of the Atlantic Monthly in honor of + the Seventieth Anniversary of the Birth of John Greenleaf Whittier, + at the Hotel Brunswick, Boston, December 17, 1877, as published in + the Boston Evening Transcript, December 18, 1877. + +MR. CHAIRMAN, This is an occasion peculiarly meet for the digging up of +pleasant reminiscences concerning literary folk, therefore I will drop +lightly into history myself. Standing here on the shore of the Atlantic, +and contemplating certain of its largest literary billows, I am reminded +of a thing which happened to me thirteen years ago, when I had just +succeeded in stirring up a little Nevadian literary puddle myself, whose +spume-flakes were beginning to blow thinly California-ward. I started an +inspection tramp through the southern mines of California. I was callow +and conceited, and I resolved to try the virtue of my 'nom de guerre'. I +very soon had an opportunity. I knocked at a miner's lonely log cabin in +the foothills of the Sierras just at nightfall. It was snowing at the +time. A jaded, melancholy man of fifty, barefooted, opened the door to +me. When he heard my 'nom de guerre' he looked more dejected than +before. He let me in-pretty reluctantly, I thought--and after the +customary bacon and beans, black coffee and hot whisky, I took a pipe. +This sorrowful man had not said three words up to this time. Now he +spoke up and said, in the voice of one who is secretly suffering, "You're +the fourth--I'm going to move." "The fourth what?" said I. "The fourth +littery man that has been here in twenty-four hours--I'm going to move." +"You don't tell me!" said I; "who were the others?" "Mr. Longfellow. Mr. +Emerson, and Mr. Oliver Wendell Holmes--consound the lot!" + +You can easily believe I was interested. I supplicated--three hot +whiskies did the rest--and finally the melancholy miner began. Said he: + +"They came here just at dark yesterday evening, and I let them in, of +course. Said they were going to the Yosemite. They were a rough lot, +but that's nothing; everybody looks rough that travels afoot. Mr. Emerson +was a seedy little bit of a chap, red-headed. Mr. Holmes was as fat as a +balloon; he weighed as much as three hundered, and had double chins all +the way down to his stomach. Mr. Longfellow was built like a +prize-fighter. His head was cropped and bristly, like as if he had a wig +made of hair-brushes. His nose lay straight down in his face, like a +finger with the end joint tilted up. They had been drinking, I could see +that. And what queer talk they used! Mr. Holmes inspected this cabin, +then he took me by the buttonhole and says he: + + "'Through the deep caves of thought + I hear a voice that sings, + + "Build thee more stately mansions, + O my soul!"' + +"Says I, 'I can't afford it, Mr. Holmes, and moreover I don't want to.' +Blamed if I liked it pretty well, either, coming from a stranger that +way. However, I started to get out my bacon and beans when Mr. Emerson +came and looked on awhile, and then he takes me aside by the buttonhole +and says: + + "'Give me agates for my meat; + Give me cantharids to eat; + From air and ocean bring me foods, + From all zones and altitudes.' + +"Says I, 'Mr. Emerson, if you'll excuse me, this ain't no hotel.' You +see, it sort of riled me--I warn't used to the ways of Jittery swells. +But I went on a-sweating over my work, and next comes Mr. Longfellow and +buttonholes me and interrupts me. Says he: + + "'Honor be to Mudjekeewis! + You shall hear how Pau-Puk-Keewis--' + +"But I broke in, and says I, 'Beg your pardon, Mr. Longfellow, if you'll +be so kind as to hold your yawp for about five minutes and let me get +this grub ready, you'll do me proud.' Well, sir, after they'd filled up +I set out the jug. Mr. Holmes looks at it and then he fires up all of a +sudden and yells: + + "'Flash out a stream of blood-red wine! + For I would drink to other days.' + +"By George, I was getting kind of worked up. I don't deny it, I was +getting kind of worked up. I turns to Mr. Holmes and says I, 'Looky +here, my fat friend, I'm a-running this shanty, and if the court knows +herself you'll take whisky straight or you'll go dry.' Them's the very +words I said to him. Now I don't want to sass such famous Littery +people, but you see they kind of forced me. There ain't nothing +onreasonable 'bout me. I don't mind a passel of guests a-treadin' on my +tail three or four times, but when it comes to standing on it it's +different, 'and if the court knows herself,' I says, 'you'll take whisky +straight or you'll go dry.' Well, between drinks they'd swell around the +cabin and strike attitudes and spout; and pretty soon they got out a +greasy old deck and went to playing euchre at ten cents a corner--on +trust. I began to notice some pretty suspicious things. Mr. Emerson +dealt, looked at his hand, shook his head, says: + + "'I am the doubter and the doubt--' + +and calmly bunched the hands and went to shuffling for a new lay-out. +Says he: + + "'They reckon ill who leave me out; + They know not well the subtle ways I keep. + I pass and deal again!' + +Hang'd if he didn't go ahead and do it, too! Oh, he was a cool one! +Well, in about a minute things were running pretty tight, but all of a +sudden I see by Mr. Emerson's eye he judged he had 'em. He had already +corralled two tricks and each of the others one. So now he kind of lifts +a little in his chair and says, + + "'I tire of globes and aces! + Too long the game is played!' + +and down he fetched a right bower. Mr. Longfellow smiles as sweet as pie +and says, + + "'Thanks, thanks to thee, my worthy friend, + For the lesson thou hast taught,' + +and blamed if he didn't down with another right bower! Emerson claps his +hand on his bowie, Longfellow claps his on his revolver, and I went under +a bunk. There was going to be trouble; but that monstrous Holmes rose +up, wobbling his double chins, and says he, 'Order, gentlemen; the first +man that draws I'll lay down on him and smother him!' All quiet on the +Potomac, you bet! + +"They were pretty how-come-you-so by now, and they begun to blow. Emerson +says, 'The noblest thing I ever wrote was "Barbara Frietchie."' Says +Longfellow, 'It don't begin with my "Bigelow Papers."' Says Holmes, 'My +"Thanatopsis" lays over 'em both.' They mighty near ended in a fight. +Then they wished they had some more company, and Mr. Emerson pointed to +me and says: + + "'Is yonder squalid peasant all + That this proud nursery could breed?' + +He was a-whetting his bowie on his boot--so I let it pass. Well, sir, +next they took it into their heads that they would like some music; so +they made me stand up and sing, 'When Johnny Comes Marching Home' till I +dropped--at thirteen minutes past four this morning. That's what I've +been through, my friend. When I woke at seven they were leaving, thank +goodness, and Mr. Longfellow had my only boots on and his'n under his +arm. Says I, 'Hold on there, Evangeline, what are you going to do with +them?' He says, 'Going to make tracks with 'em, because-- + + "'Lives of great men all remind us + We can make our lives sublime; + And, departing, leave behind us + Footprints on the sands of time.' + +"As I said, Mr. Twain, you are the fourth in twenty-four hours and I'm +going to move; I ain't suited to a Littery atmosphere." + +I said to the miner, "Why, my dear sir, these were not the gracious +singers to whom we and the world pay loving reverence and homage; these +were impostors." + +The miner investigated me with a calm eye for a while; then said he, "Ah! +impostors, were they? Are you?" + +I did not pursue the subject, and since then I have not traveled on my +'nom de guerre' enough to hurt. Such was the reminiscence I was moved to +contribute, Mr. Chairman. In my enthusiasm I may have exaggerated the +details a little, but you will easily forgive me that fault, since I +believe it is the first time I have ever deflected from perpendicular +fact on an occasion like this. + + + + +APPENDIX P + +THE ADAM MONUMENT PETITION + +(See Chapter cxxxiv) + +TO THE HONORABLE SENATE AND HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES OF THE UNITED STATES +IN CONGRESS ASSEMBLED. + +WHEREAS, A number of citizens of the city of Elmira in the State of New +York having covenanted among themselves to erect in that city a monument +in memory of Adam, the father of mankind, being moved thereto by a +sentiment of love and duty, and these having appointed the undersigned to +communicate with your honorable body, we beg leave to lay before you the +following facts and append to the same our humble petition. + +1. As far as is known no monument has ever been raised in any part of +the world to commemorate the services rendered to our race by this great +man, whilst many men of far less note and worship have been rendered +immortal by means of stately and indestructible memorials. + +2. The common father of mankind has been suffered to lie in entire +neglect, although even the Father of our Country has now, and has had for +many years, a monument in course of construction. + +3. No right-feeling human being can desire to see this neglect +continued, but all just men, even to the farthest regions of the globe, +should and will rejoice to know that he to whom we owe existence is about +to have reverent and fitting recognition of his works at the hands of the +people of Elmira. His labors were not in behalf of one locality, but for +the extension of humanity at large and the blessings which go therewith; +hence all races and all colors and all religions are interested in seeing +that his name and fame shall be placed beyond the reach of the blight of +oblivion by a permanent and suitable monument. + +4. It will be to the imperishable credit of the United States if this +monument shall be set up within her borders; moreover, it will be a +peculiar grace to the beneficiary if this testimonial of affection and +gratitude shall be the gift of the youngest of the nations that have +sprung from his loins after 6,000 years of unappreciation on the part of +its elders. + +5. The idea of this sacred enterprise having originated in the city of +Elmira, she will be always grateful if the general government shall +encourage her in the good work by securing to her a certain advantage +through the exercise of its great authority. + +Therefore, Your petitioners beg that your honorable body will be pleased +to issue a decree restricting to Elmira the right to build a monument to +Adam and inflicting a heavy penalty upon any other community within the +United States that shall propose or attempt to erect a monument or other +memorial to the said Adam, and to this end we will ever pray. + +NAMES: (100 signatures) + + + + +APPENDIX Q + +GENERAL GRANT'S GRAMMAR + +(Written in 1886. Delivered at an Army and Navy Club dinner in New York +City) + +Lately a great and honored author, Matthew Arnold, has been finding fault +with General Grant's English. That would be fair enough, maybe, if the +examples of imperfect English averaged more instances to the page in +General Grant's book than they do in Arnold's criticism on the book--but +they do not. It would be fair enough, maybe, if such instances were +commoner in General Grant's book than they are in the works of the +average standard author--but they are not. In fact, General Grant's +derelictions in the matter of grammar and construction are not more +frequent than such derelictions in the works of a majority of the +professional authors of our time, and of all previous times--authors as +exclusively and painstakingly trained to the literary trade as was +General Grant to the trade of war. This is not a random statement: it is +a fact, and easily demonstrable. I have a book at home called Modern +English Literature: Its Blemishes and Defects, by Henry H. Breen, a +countryman of Mr. Arnold. In it I find examples of bad grammar and +slovenly English from the pens of Sydney Smith, Sheridan, Hallam, +Whately, Carlyle, Disraeli, Allison, Junius, Blair, Macaulay, +Shakespeare, Milton, Gibbon, Southey, Lamb, Landor, Smollett, Walpole, +Walker (of the dictionary), Christopher North, Kirk White, Benjamin +Franklin, Sir Walter Scott, and Mr. Lindley Murray (who made the +grammar). + +In Mr. Arnold's criticism on General Grant's book we find two grammatical +crimes and more than several examples of very crude and slovenly English, +enough of them to entitle him to a lofty place in the illustrious list of +delinquents just named. + +The following passage all by itself ought to elect him: + "Meade suggested to Grant that he might wish to have immediately + under him Sherman, who had been serving with Grant in the West. He + begged him not to hesitate if he thought it for the good of the + service. Grant assured him that he had not thought of moving him, + and in his memoirs, after relating what had passed, he adds, etc." + +To read that passage a couple of times would make a man dizzy; to read it +four times would make him drunk. + +Mr. Breen makes this discriminating remark: "To suppose that because a +man is a poet or a historian he must be correct in his grammar is to +suppose that an architect must be a joiner, or a physician a compounder +of medicine." + +People may hunt out what microscopic motes they please, but, after all, +the fact remains, and cannot be dislodged, that General Grant's book is a +great and, in its peculiar department, a unique and unapproachable +literary masterpiece. In their line there is no higher literature than +those modest, simple memoirs. Their style is at least flawless and no +man could improve upon it, and great books are weighed and measured by +their style and matter, and not by the trimmings and shadings of their +grammar. + +There is that about the sun which makes us forget his spots, and when we +think of General Grant our pulses quicken and his grammar vanishes; we +only remember that this is the simple soldier who, all untaught of the +silken phrase-makers, linked words together with an art surpassing the +art of the schools and put into them a something which will still bring +to American ears, as long as America shall last, the roll of his vanished +drums and the tread of his marching hosts. What do we care for grammar +when we think of those thunderous phrases, "Unconditional and immediate +surrender," "I propose to move immediately upon your works," "I propose +to fight it out on this line if it takes all summer." Mr. Arnold would +doubtless claim that that last phrase is not strictly grammatical, and +yet it did certainly wake up this nation as a hundred million tons of +A-number-one fourth-proof, hard-boiled, hide-bound grammar from another +mouth could not have done. And finally we have that gentler phrase, that +one which shows you another true side of the man, shows you that in his +soldier heart there was room for other than gory war mottoes and in his +tongue the gift to fitly phrase them: "Let us have peace." + + + + +APPENDIX R + +PARTY ALLEGIANCE. + +BEING A PORTION OF A PAPER ON "CONSISTENCY," READ BEFORE THE MONDAY +EVENING CLUB IN 1887. + +(See Chapter clxiii) + +. . . I have referred to the fact that when a man retires from his +political party he is a traitor--that he is so pronounced in plain +language. That is bold; so bold as to deceive many into the fancy that +it is true. Desertion, treason--these are the terms applied. Their +military form reveals the thought in the man's mind who uses them: to him +a political party is an army. Well, is it? Are the two things +identical? Do they even resemble each other? Necessarily a political +party is not an army of conscripts, for they are in the ranks by +compulsion. Then it must be a regular army or an army of volunteers. Is +it a regular army? No, for these enlist for a specified and +well-understood term, and can retire without reproach when the term is +up. Is it an army of volunteers who have enlisted for the war, and may +righteously be shot if they leave before the war is finished? No, it is +not even an army in that sense. Those fine military terms are +high-sounding, empty lies, and are no more rationally applicable to a +political party than they would be to an oyster-bed. The volunteer +soldier comes to the recruiting office and strips himself and proves that +he is so many feet high, and has sufficiently good teeth, and no fingers +gone, and is sufficiently sound in body generally; he is accepted; but +not until he has sworn a deep oath or made other solemn form of promise +to march under, that flag until that war is done or his term of +enlistment completed. What is the process when a voter joins a party? +Must he prove that he is sound in any way, mind or body? Must he prove +that he knows anything--is capable of anything--whatever? Does he take +an oath or make a promise of any sort?--or doesn't he leave himself +entirely free? If he were informed by the political boss that if he +join, it must be forever; that he must be that party's chattel and wear +its brass collar the rest of his days--would not that insult him? It +goes without saying. He would say some rude, unprintable thing, and turn +his back on that preposterous organization. But the political boss puts +no conditions upon him at all; and this volunteer makes no promises, +enlists for no stated term. He has in no sense become a part of an army; +he is in no way restrained of his freedom. Yet he will presently find +that his bosses and his newspapers have assumed just the reverse of that: +that they have blandly arrogated to themselves an ironclad military +authority over him; and within twelve months, if he is an average man, he +will have surrendered his liberty, and will actually be silly enough to +believe that he cannot leave that party, for any cause whatever, without +being a shameful traitor, a deserter, a legitimately dishonored man. + +There you have the just measure of that freedom of conscience, freedom of +opinion, freedom of speech and action which we hear so much inflated +foolishness about as being the precious possession of the republic. +Whereas, in truth, the surest way for a man to make of himself a target +for almost universal scorn, obloquy, slander, and insult is to stop +twaddling about these priceless independencies and attempt to exercise +one of them. If he is a preacher half his congregation will clamor for +his expulsion--and will expel him, except they find it will injure real +estate in the neighborhood; if he is a doctor his own dead will turn +against him. + +I repeat that the new party-member who supposed himself independent will +presently find that the party have somehow got a mortgage on his soul, +and that within a year he will recognize the mortgage, deliver up his +liberty, and actually believe he cannot retire from that party from any +motive howsoever high and right in his own eyes without shame and +dishonor. + +Is it possible for human wickedness to invent a doctrine more infernal +and poisonous than this? Is there imaginable a baser servitude than it +imposes? What slave is so degraded as the slave that is proud that he is +a slave? What is the essential difference between a lifelong democrat +and any other kind of lifelong slave? Is it less humiliating to dance to +the lash of one master than another? + +This infamous doctrine of allegiance to party plays directly into the +hands of politicians of the baser sort--and doubtless for that it was +borrowed--or stolen--from the monarchial system. It enables them to +foist upon the country officials whom no self-respecting man would vote +for if he could but come to understand that loyalty to himself is his +first and highest duty, not loyalty to any party name. + +Shall you say the best good of the country demands allegiance to party? +Shall you also say that it demands that a man kick his truth and his +conscience into the gutter and become a mouthing lunatic besides? Oh no, +you say; it does not demand that. But what if it produce that in spite +of you? There is no obligation upon a man to do things which he ought +not to do when drunk, but most men will do them just the same; and so we +hear no arguments about obligations in the matter--we only hear men +warned to avoid the habit of drinking; get rid of the thing that can +betray men into such things. + +This is a funny business all around. The same men who enthusiastically +preach loyal consistency to church and party are always ready and willing +and anxious to persuade a Chinaman or an Indian or a Kanaka to desert his +church or a fellow-American to desert his party. The man who deserts to +them is all that is high and pure and beautiful--apparently; the man who +deserts from them is all that is foul and despicable. This is +Consistency--with a capital C. + +With the daintiest and self-complacentest sarcasm the lifelong loyalist +scoffs at the Independent--or as he calls him, with cutting irony, the +Mugwump; makes himself too killingly funny for anything in this world +about him. But--the Mugwump can stand it, for there is a great history +at his back; stretching down the centuries, and he comes of a mighty +ancestry. He knows that in the whole history of the race of men no +single great and high and beneficent thing was ever done for the souls +and bodies, the hearts and the brains of the children of this world, but +a Mugwump started it and Mugwumps carried it to victory: And their names +are the stateliest in history: Washington, Garrison, Galileo, Luther, +Christ. Loyalty to petrified opinions never yet broke a chain or freed a +human soul in this world-end never will. + + + + +APPENDIX S + +ORIGINAL PREFACE FOR "A CONNECTICUT YANKEE IN KING ARTHUR'S COURT" + +(See Chapter clxxii) + +My object has been to group together some of the most odious laws which +have had vogue in the Christian countries within the past eight or ten +centuries, and illustrate them by the incidents of a story. + +There was never a time when America applied the death-penalty to more +than fourteen crimes. But England, within the memory of men still +living, had in her list of crimes 223 which were punishable by death! And +yet from the beginning of our existence down to a time within the memory +of babes England has distressed herself piteously over the ungentleness +of our Connecticut Blue Laws. Those Blue Laws should have been spared +English criticism for two reasons: + +1. They were so insipidly mild, by contrast with the bloody and +atrocious laws of England of the same period, as to seem characterless +and colorless when one brings them into that awful presence. + +2. The Blue Laws never had any existence. They were the fancy-work of +an English clergyman; they were never a part of any statute-book. And +yet they could have been made to serve a useful and merciful purpose; if +they had been injected into the English law the dilution would have given +to the whole a less lurid aspect; or, to figure the effect in another +way, they would have been coca mixed into vitriol. + +I have drawn no laws and no illustrations from the twin civilizations of +hell and Russia. To have entered into that atmosphere would have +defeated my purpose, which was to show a great and genuine progress in +Christendom in these few later generations toward mercifulness--a wide +and general relaxing of the grip of the law. Russia had to be left out +because exile to Siberia remains, and in that single punishment is +gathered together and concentrated all the bitter inventions of all the +black ages for the infliction of suffering upon human beings. Exile for +life from one's hearthstone and one's idols--this is rack, thumb-screw, +the water-drop, fagot and stake, tearing asunder by horses, flaying +alive--all these in one; and not compact into hours, but drawn out into +years, each year a century, and the whole a mortal immortality of torture +and despair. While exile to Siberia remains one will be obliged to admit +that there is one country in Christendom where the punishments of all the +ages are still preserved and still inflicted, that there is one country +in Christendom where no advance has been made toward modifying the +medieval penalties for offenses against society and the State. + + + + +APPENDIX T + +A TRIBUTE TO HENRY H. ROGERS + +(See Chapter cc and earlier) + +April 25, 1902. I owe more to Henry Rogers than to any other man whom I +have known. He was born in Fairhaven, Connecticut, in 1839, and is my +junior by four years. He was graduated from the high school there in +1853, when he was fourteen years old, and from that time forward he +earned his own living, beginning at first as the bottom subordinate in +the village store with hard-work privileges and a low salary. When he +was twenty-four he went out to the newly discovered petroleum fields in +Pennsylvania and got work; then returned home, with enough money to pay +passage, married a schoolmate, and took her to the oil regions. He +prospered, and by and by established the Standard Oil Trust with Mr. +Rockefeller and others, and is still one of its managers and directors. + +In 1893 we fell together by accident one evening in the Murray Hill +Hotel, and our friendship began on the spot and at once. Ever since then +he has added my business affairs to his own and carried them through, and +I have had no further trouble with them. Obstructions and perplexities +which would have driven me mad were simplicities to his master mind and +furnished him no difficulties. He released me from my entanglements with +Paige and stopped that expensive outgo; when Charles L. Webster & Company +failed he saved my copyrights for Mrs. Clemens when she would have +sacrificed them to the creditors although they were in no way entitled to +them; he offered to lend me money wherewith to save the life of that +worthless firm; when I started lecturing around the world to make the +money to pay off the Webster debts he spent more than a year trying to +reconcile the differences between Harper & Brothers and the American +Publishing Company and patch up a working-contract between them and +succeeded where any other man would have failed; as fast as I earned +money and sent it to him he banked it at interest and held onto it, +refusing to pay any creditor until he could pay all of the 96 alike; when +I had earned enough to pay dollar for dollar he swept off the +indebtedness and sent me the whole batch of complimentary letters which +the creditors wrote in return; when I had earned $28,500 more, $18,500 of +which was in his hands, I wrote him from Vienna to put the latter into +Federal Steel and leave it there; he obeyed to the extent of $17,500, but +sold it in two months at $25,000 profit, and said it would go ten points +higher, but that it was his custom to "give the other man a chance" (and +that was a true word--there was never a truer one spoken). That was at +the end of '99 and beginning of 1900; and from that day to this he has +continued to break up my bad schemes and put better ones in their place, +to my great advantage. I do things which ought to try man's patience, +but they never seem to try his; he always finds a colorable excuse for +what I have done. His soul was born superhumanly sweet, and I do not +think anything can sour it. I have not known his equal among men for +lovable qualities. But for his cool head and wise guidance I should +never have come out of the Webster difficulties on top; it was his good +steering that enabled me to work out my salvation and pay a hundred cents +on the dollar--the most valuable service any man ever did me. + +His character is full of fine graces, but the finest is this: that he can +load you down with crushing obligations and then so conduct himself that +you never feel their weight. If he would only require something in +return--but that is not in his nature; it would not occur to him. With +the Harpers and the American Company at war those copyrights were worth +but little; he engineered a peace and made them valuable. He invests +$100,000 for me here, and in a few months returns a profit of $31,000. I +invest (in London and here) $66,000 and must wait considerably for +results (in case there shall be any). I tell him about it and he finds +no fault, utters not a sarcasm. He was born serene, patient, +all-enduring, where a friend is concerned, and nothing can extinguish +that great quality in him. Such a man is entitled to the high gift of +humor: he has it at its very best. He is not only the best friend I have +ever had, but is the best man I have known. + + S. L. CLEMENS. + + + + +APPENDIX U + +FROM MARK TWAIN'S LAST POEM + +BEGUN AT RIVERDALE, NEW YORK. FINISHED AT YORK HARBOR, MAINE, AUGUST 18, +1902 + +(See Chapter ccxxiii) + +(A bereft and demented mother speaks) + +. . . O, I can see my darling yet: the little form In slip of flimsy +stuff all creamy white, Pink-belted waist with ample bows, Blue shoes +scarce bigger than the house-cat's ears--Capering in delight and choked +with glee. + +It was a summer afternoon; the hill Rose green above me and about, and in +the vale below The distant village slept, and all the world Was steeped +in dreams. Upon me lay this peace, And I forgot my sorrow in its spell. +And now My little maid passed by, and she Was deep in thought upon a +solemn thing: A disobedience, and my reproof. Upon my face She must not +look until the day was done; For she was doing penance . . . She? O, +it was I! What mother knows not that? And so she passed, I worshiping +and longing . . . It was not wrong? You do not think me wrong? I did +it for the best. Indeed I meant it so. + +She flits before me now: The peach-bloom of her gauzy crepe, The plaited +tails of hair, The ribbons floating from the summer hat, The grieving +face, dropp'd head absorbed with care. O, dainty little form! I see it +move, receding slow along the path, By hovering butterflies besieged; I +see it reach The breezy top clear-cut against the sky, . . . Then pass +beyond and sink from sight-forever! + +Within, was light and cheer; without, A blustering winter's right. There +was a play; It was her own; for she had wrought it out Unhelped, from her +own head-and she But turned sixteen! A pretty play, All graced with +cunning fantasies, And happy songs, and peopled all with fays, And sylvan +gods and goddesses, And shepherds, too, that piped and danced, And wore +the guileless hours away In care-free romps and games. + +Her girlhood mates played in the piece, And she as well: a goddess, she, +--And looked it, as it seemed to me. + +'Twas fairyland restored-so beautiful it was And innocent. It made us +cry, we elder ones, To live our lost youth o'er again With these its +happy heirs. + +Slowly, at last, the curtain fell. Before us, there, she stood, all +wreathed and draped In roses pearled with dew-so sweet, so glad, So +radiant!--and flung us kisses through the storm Of praise that crowned +her triumph . . . . O, Across the mists of time I see her yet, My +Goddess of the Flowers! + +. . . The curtain hid her . . . . Do you comprehend? Till time +shall end! Out of my life she vanished while I looked! + +. . . Ten years are flown. O, I have watched so long, So long. But +she will come no more. No, she will come no more. + +It seems so strange . . . so strange . . . Struck down unwarned! In +the unbought grace, of youth laid low--In the glory of her fresh young +bloom laid low--In the morning of her life cut down! And I not by! Not +by When the shadows fell, the night of death closed down The sun that lit +my life went out. Not by to answer When the latest whisper passed the +lips That were so dear to me--my name! Far from my post! the world's +whole breadth away. O, sinking in the waves of death she cried to me For +mother-help, and got for answer Silence! + +We that are old--we comprehend; even we That are not mad: whose grown-up +scions still abide; Their tale complete: Their earlier selves we glimpse +at intervals Far in the dimming past; We see the little forms as once +they were, And whilst we ache to take them to our hearts, The vision +fades. We know them lost to us--Forever lost; we cannot have them back; +We miss them as we miss the dead, We mourn them as we mourn the dead. + + + + +APPENDIX V + +SELECTIONS FROM AN UNFINISHED BOOK, "3,000 YEARS AMONG THE MICROBES" + +THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A MICROBE, WHO, IN A FORMER EXISTENCE, HAD BEEN A +MAN--HIS PRESENT HABITAT BEING THE ORGANISM OF A TRAMP, BLITZOWSKI. +(WRITTEN AT DUBLIN, NEW HAMPSHIRE, 1905) + +(See Chapter ccxxxv) + +Our world (the tramp) is as large and grand and awe-compelling to us +microscopic creatures as is man's world to man. Our tramp is +mountainous, there are vast oceans in him, and lakes that are sea-like +for size, there are many rivers (veins and arteries) which are fifteen +miles across, and of a length so stupendous as to make the Mississippi +and the Amazon trifling little Rhode Island brooks by comparison. As for +our minor rivers, they are multitudinous, and the dutiable commerce of +disease which they carry is rich beyond the dreams of the American +custom-house. + +Take a man like Sir Oliver Lodge, and what secret of Nature can be hidden +from him? He says: "A billion, that is a million millions,[?? Trillion +D.W.] of atoms is truly an immense number, but the resulting aggregate is +still excessively minute. A portion of substance consisting, of a +billion atoms is only barely visible with the highest power of a +microscope; and a speck or granule, in order to be visible to the naked +eye, like a grain of lycopodium-dust, must be a million times bigger +still." + +The human eye could see it then--that dainty little speck. But with my +microbe-eye I could see every individual of the whirling billions of +atoms that compose the speck. Nothing is ever at rest--wood, iron, +water, everything is alive, everything is raging, whirling, whizzing, day +and night and night and day, nothing is dead, there is no such thing as +death, everything is full of bristling life, tremendous life, even the +bones of the crusader that perished before Jerusalem eight centuries ago. +There are no vegetables, all things are animal; each electron is an +animal, each molecule is a collection of animals, and each has an +appointed duty to perform and a soul to be saved. Heaven was not made +for man alone, and oblivion and neglect reserved for the rest of His +creatures. He gave them life, He gave them humble services to perform, +they have performed them, and they will not be forgotten, they will have +their reward. Man-always vain, windy, conceited-thinks he will be in the +majority there. He will be disappointed. Let him humble himself. But +for the despised microbe and the persecuted bacillus, who needed a home +and nourishment, he would not have been created. He has a mission, +therefore a reason for existing: let him do the service he was made for, +and keep quiet. + +Three weeks ago I was a man myself, and thought and felt as men think and +feel; I have lived 3,000 years since then [microbic time], and I see the +foolishness of it now. We live to learn, and fortunate are we when we +are wise enough to profit by it. + +In matters pertaining to microscopy we necessarily have an advantage here +over the scientist of the earth, because, as I have just been indicating, +we see with our naked eyes minutenesses which no man-made microscope can +detect, and are therefore able to register as facts many things which +exist for him as theories only. Indeed, we know as facts several things +which he has not yet divined even by theory. For example, he does not +suspect that there is no life but animal life, and that all atoms are +individual animals endowed each with a certain degree of consciousness, +great or small, each with likes and dislikes, predilections and +aversions--that, in a word, each has a character, a character of its own. +Yet such is the case. Some of the molecules of a stone have an aversion +for some of those of a vegetable or any other creature and will not +associate with them--and would not be allowed to, if they tried. Nothing +is more particular about society than a molecule. And so there are no +end of castes; in this matter India is not a circumstance. + +"Tell me, Franklin [a microbe of great learning], is the ocean an +individual, an animal, a creature?" + +"Yes." + +"Then water--any water-is an individual?" + +"Yes." + +"Suppose you remove a drop of it? Is what is left an individual?" + +"Yes, and so is the drop." + +"Suppose you divide the drop?" + +"Then you have two individuals." + +"Suppose you separate the hydrogen and the oxygen?" + +"Again you have two individuals. But you haven't water any more." + +"Of course. Certainly. Well, suppose you combine them again, but in a +new way: make the proportions equal--one part oxygen to one of hydrogen?" + +"But you know you can't. They won't combine on equal terms." + +I was ashamed to have made that blunder. I was embarrassed; to cover it +I started to say we used to combine them like that where I came from, but +thought better of it, and stood pat. + +"Now then," I said, "it amounts to this: water is an individual, an +animal, and is alive; remove the hydrogen and it is an animal and is +alive; the remaining oxygen is also an individual, an animal, and is +alive. Recapitulation: the two individuals combined constitute a third +individual--and yet each continues to be an individual." + +I glanced at Franklin, but . . . upon reflection, held my peace. I +could have pointed out to him that here was mute Nature explaining the +sublime mystery of the Trinity so luminously--that even the commonest +understanding could comprehend it, whereas many a trained master of words +had labored to do it with speech and failed. But he would not have known +what I was talking about. After a moment I resumed: + +"Listen--and see if I have understood you rightly, to wit: All the atoms +that constitute each oxygen molecule are separate individuals, and each +is a living animal; all the atoms that constitute each hydrogen molecule +are separate individuals, and each one is a living animal; each drop of +water consists of millions of living animals, the drop itself is an +individual, a living animal, and the wide ocean is another. Is that it?" + +"Yes, that is correct." + +"By George, it beats the band!" + +He liked the expression, and set it down in his tablets. + +"Franklin, we've got it down fine. And to think--there are other animals +that are still smaller than a hydrogen atom, and yet it is so small that +it takes five thousand of them to make a molecule--a molecule so minute +that it could get into a microbe's eye and he wouldn't know it was +there!" + +"Yes, the wee creatures that inhabit the bodies of us germs and feed upon +us, and rot us with disease: Ah, what could they have been created for? +They give us pain, they make our lives miserable, they murder us--and +where is the use of it all, where the wisdom? Ah, friend Bkshp [microbic +orthography], we live in a strange and unaccountable world; our birth is +a mystery, our little life is a mystery, a trouble, we pass and are seen +no more; all is mystery, mystery, mystery; we know not whence we came, +nor why; we know not whither we go, nor why we go. We only know we were +not made in vain, we only know we were made for a wise purpose, and that +all is well! We shall not be cast aside in contumely and unblest after +all we have suffered. Let us be patient, let us not repine, let us +trust. The humblest of us is cared for--oh, believe it!--and this +fleeting stay is not the end!" + +You notice that? He did not suspect that he, also, was engaged in +gnawing, torturing, defiling, rotting, and murdering a fellow-creature +--he and all the swarming billions of his race. None of them suspects +it. That is significant. It is suggestive--irresistibly suggestive +--insistently suggestive. It hints at the possibility that the +procession of known and listed devourers and persecutors is not complete. +It suggests the possibility, and substantially the certainty, that man is +himself a microbe, and his globe a blood-corpuscle drifting with its +shining brethren of the Milky Way down a vein of the Master and Maker of +all things, whose body, mayhap--glimpsed part-wise from the earth by +night, and receding and lost to view in the measureless remotenesses of +space--is what men name the Universe. + +Yes, that was all old to me, but to find that our little old familiar +microbes were themselves loaded up with microbes that fed them, enriched +them, and persistently and faithfully preserved them and their poor old +tramp-planet from destruction--oh, that was new, and too delicious! + +I wanted to see them! I was in a fever to see them! I had lenses to +two-million power, but of course the field was no bigger than a person's +finger-nail, and so it wasn't possible to compass a considerable +spectacle or a landscape with them; whereas what I had been craving was a +thirty-foot field, which would represent a spread of several miles of +country and show up things in a way to make them worth looking at. The +boys and I had often tried to contrive this improvement, but had failed. + +I mentioned the matter to the Duke and it made him smile. He said it was +a quite simple thing-he had it at home. I was eager to bargain for the +secret, but he said it was a trifle and not worth bargaining for. He +said: + +"Hasn't it occurred to you that all you have to do is to bend an X-ray to +an angle-value of 8.4 and refract it with a parabolism, and there you +are?" + +Upon my word, I had never thought of that simple thing! You could have +knocked me down with a feather. + +We rigged a microscope for an exhibition at once and put a drop of my +blood under it, which got mashed flat when the lens got shut down upon +it. The result was beyond my dreams. The field stretched miles away, +green and undulating, threaded with streams and roads, and bordered all +down the mellowing distances with picturesque hills. And there was a +great white city of tents; and everywhere were parks of artillery and +divisions of cavalry and infantry waiting. We had hit a lucky moment, +evidently there was going to be a march-past or some thing like that. At +the front where the chief banner flew there was a large and showy tent, +with showy guards on duty, and about it were some other tents of a swell +kind. + +The warriors--particularly the officers--were lovely to look at, they +were so trim-built and so graceful and so handsomely uniformed. They +were quite distinct, vividly distinct, for it was a fine day, and they +were so immensely magnified that they looked to be fully a finger-nail +high.--[My own expression, and a quite happy one. I said to the Duke: +"Your Grace, they're just about finger-milers!" "How do you mean, +m'lord?" "This. You notice the stately General standing there with his +hand resting upon the muzzle of a cannon? Well, if you could stick your +little finger down against the ground alongside of him his plumes would +just reach up to where your nail joins the flesh." The Duke said +"finger-milers was good"--good and exact; and he afterward used it several +times himself.]--Everywhere you could see officers moving smartly about, +and they looked gay, but the common soldiers looked sad. Many +wife-swinks ["Swinks," an atomic race] and daughter-swinks and +sweetheart-swinks were about--crying, mainly. It seemed to indicate that +this was a case of war, not a summer-camp for exercise, and that the poor +labor-swinks were being torn from their planet-saving industries to go +and distribute civilization and other forms of suffering among the feeble +benighted somewhere; else why should the swinkesses cry? + +The cavalry was very fine--shiny black horses, shapely and spirited; and +presently when a flash of light struck a lifted bugle (delivering a +command which we couldn't hear) and a division came tearing down on a +gallop it was a stirring and gallant sight, until the dust rose an inch +--the Duke thought more--and swallowed it up in a rolling and tumbling +long gray cloud, with bright weapons glinting and sparkling in it. + +Before long the real business of the occasion began. A battalion of +priests arrived carrying sacred pictures. That settled it: this was war; +these far-stretching masses of troops were bound for the front. Their +little monarch came out now, the sweetest little thing that ever +travestied the human shape I think, and he lifted up his hands and +blessed the passing armies, and they looked as grateful as they could, +and made signs of humble and real reverence as they drifted by the holy +pictures. + +It was beautiful--the whole thing; and wonderful, too, when those serried +masses swung into line and went marching down the valley under the long +array of fluttering flags. + +Evidently they were going somewhere to fight for their king, which was +the little manny that blessed them; and to preserve him and his brethren +that occupied the other swell tents; to civilize and grasp a valuable +little unwatched country for them somewhere. But the little fellow and +his brethren didn't fall in--that was a noticeable particular. They +didn't fight; they stayed at home, where it was safe, and waited for the +swag. + +Very well, then-what ought we to do? Had we no moral duty to perform? +Ought we to allow this war to begin? Was it not our duty to stop it, in +the name of right and righteousness? Was it not our duty to administer a +rebuke to this selfish and heartless Family? + +The Duke was struck by that, and greatly moved. He felt as I did about +it, and was ready to do whatever was right, and thought we ought to pour +boiling water on the Family and extinguish it, which we did. + +It extinguished the armies, too, which was not intended. We both +regretted this, but the Duke said that these people were nothing to us, +and deserved extinction anyway for being so poor-spirited as to serve +such a Family. He was loyally doing the like himself, and so was I, but +I don't think we thought of that. And it wasn't just the same, anyway, +because we were sooflaskies, and they were only swinks. + +Franklin realizes that no atom is destructible; that it has always +existed and will exist forever; but he thinks all atoms will go out of +this world some day and continue their life in a happier one. Old +Tolliver thinks no atom's life will ever end, but he also thinks +Blitzowski is the only world it will ever see, and that at no time in its +eternity will it be either worse off or better off than it is now and +always has been. Of course he thinks the planet Blitzowski is itself +eternal and indestructible--at any rate he says he thinks that. It could +make me sad, only I know better. D. T. will fetch Blitzy yet one of +these days. + +But these are alien thoughts, human thoughts, and they falsely indicate +that I do not want this tramp to go on living. What would become of me +if he should disintegrate? My molecules would scatter all around and +take up new quarters in hundreds of plants and animals; each would carry +its special feelings along with it, each would be content in its new +estate, but where should I be? I should not have a rag of a feeling +left, after my disintegration--with his--was complete. Nothing to think +with, nothing to grieve or rejoice with, nothing to hope or despair with. +There would be no more me. I should be musing and thinking and dreaming +somewhere else--in some distant animal maybe--perhaps a cat--by proxy of +my oxygen I should be raging and fuming in some other creatures--a rat, +perhaps; I should be smiling and hoping in still another child of Nature +--heir to my hydrogen--a weed, or a cabbage, or something; my carbonic +acid (ambition) would be dreaming dreams in some lowly wood-violet that +was longing for a showy career; thus my details would be doing as much +feeling as ever, but I should not be aware of it, it would all be going +on for the benefit of those others, and I not in it at all. I should be +gradually wasting away, atom by atom, molecule by molecule, as the years +went on, and at last I should be all distributed, and nothing left of +what had once been Me. It is curious, and not without impressiveness: I +should still be alive, intensely alive, but so scattered that I would not +know it. I should not be dead--no, one cannot call it that--but I should +be the next thing to it. And to think what centuries and ages and aeons +would drift over me before the disintegration was finished, the last bone +turned to gas and blown away! I wish I knew what it is going to feel +like, to lie helpless such a weary, weary time, and see my faculties +decay and depart, one by one, like lights which burn low, and flicker and +perish, until the ever-deepening gloom and darkness which--oh, away, away +with these horrors, and let me think of something wholesome! + +My tramp is only 85; there is good hope that he will live ten years +longer--500,000 of my microbe years. So may it be. + +Oh, dear, we are all so wise! Each of us knows it all, and knows he +knows it all--the rest, to a man, are fools and deluded. One man knows +there is a hell, the next one knows there isn't; one man knows high +tariff is right, the next man knows it isn't; one man knows monarchy is +best, the next one knows it isn't; one age knows there are witches, the +next one knows there aren't; one sect knows its religion is the only true +one, there are sixty-four thousand five hundred million sects that know +it isn't so. There is not a mind present among this multitude of +verdict-deliverers that is the superior of the minds that persuade and +represent the rest of the divisions of the multitude. Yet this sarcastic +fact does not humble the arrogance nor diminish the know-it-all bulk of a +single verdict-maker of the lot by so much as a shade. Mind is plainly +an ass, but it will be many ages before it finds it out, no doubt. Why +do we respect the opinions of any man or any microbe that ever lived? I +swear I don't know. Why do I respect my own? Well--that is different. + + + + +APPENDIX W + +LITTLE BESSIE WOULD ASSIST PROVIDENCE + +(See Chapter cclxxxii) + +[It is dull, and I need wholesome excitements and distractions; so I will +go lightly excursioning along the primrose path of theology.] + +Little Bessie was nearly three years old. She was a good child, and not +shallow, not frivolous, but meditative and thoughtful, and much given to +thinking out the reasons of things and trying to make them harmonize with +results. One day she said: + +"Mama, why is there so much pain and sorrow and suffering? What is it +all for?" + +It was an easy question, and mama had no difficulty in answering it: + +"It is for our good, my child. In His wisdom and mercy the Lord sends us +these afflictions to discipline us and make us better." + +"Is it He that sends them?" + +"Yes." + +"Does He send all of them, mama?" + +"Yes, dear, all of them. None of them comes by accident; He alone sends +them, and always out of love for us, and to make us better." + +"Isn't it strange?" + +"Strange? Why, no, I have never thought of it in that way. I have not +heard any one call it strange before. It has always seemed natural and +right to me, and wise and most kindly and merciful." + +"Who first thought of it like that, mama? Was it you?" + +"Oh no, child, I was taught it." + +"Who taught you so, mama?" + +"Why, really, I don't know--I can't remember. My mother, I suppose; or +the preacher. But it's a thing that everybody knows." + +"Well, anyway, it does seem strange. Did He give Billy Norris the +typhus?" + +"Yes." + +"What for?" + +"Why, to discipline him and make him good." + +"But he died, mama, and so it couldn't make him good." + +"Well, then, I suppose it was for some other reason. We know it was a +good reason, whatever it was." + +"What do you think it was, mama?" + +"Oh, you ask so many questions! I think it was to discipline his +parents." + +"Well, then, it wasn't fair, mama. Why should his life be taken away for +their sake, when he wasn't doing anything?" + +"Oh, I don't know! I only know it was for a good and wise and merciful +reason." + +"What reason, mama?" + +"I think--I think-well, it was a judgment; it was to punish them for some +sin they had committed." + +"But he was the one that was punished, mama. Was that right?" + +"Certainly, certainly. He does nothing that isn't right and wise and +merciful. You can't understand these things now, dear, but when you are +grown up you will understand them, and then you will see that they are +just and wise." + +After a pause: + +"Did He make the roof fall in on the stranger that was trying to save the +crippled old woman from the fire, mama?" + +"Yes, my child. Wait! Don't ask me why, because I don't know. I only +know it was to discipline some one, or be a judgment upon somebody, or to +show His power." + +"That drunken man that stuck a pitchfork into Mrs. Welch's baby when--" + +"Never mind about it, you needn't go into particulars; it was to +discipline the child--that much is certain, anyway." + +"Mama, Mr. Burgess said in his sermon that billions of little creatures +are sent into us to give us cholera, and typhoid, and lockjaw, and more +than a thousand other sicknesses and--mama, does He send them?" + +"Oh, certainly, child, certainly. Of course." + +"What for?" + +"Oh, to discipline us! Haven't I told you so, over and over again?" + +"It's awful cruel, mama! And silly! and if I----" + +"Hush, oh, hush! Do you want to bring the lightning?" + +"You know the lightning did come last week, mama, and struck the new +church, and burnt it down. Was it to discipline the church?" + +(Wearily.) "Oh, I suppose so." + +"But it killed a hog that wasn't doing anything. Was it to discipline +the hog, mama?" + +"Dear child, don't you want to run out and play a while? If you would +like to----" + +"Mama, only think! Mr. Hollister says there isn't a bird, or fish, or +reptile, or any other animal that hasn't got an enemy that Providence has +sent to bite it and chase it and pester it and kill it and suck its blood +and discipline it and make it good and religious. Is that true, mother +--because if it is true why did Mr. Hollister laugh at it?" + +"That Hollister is a scandalous person, and I don't want you to listen to +anything he says." + +"Why, mama, he is very interesting, and I think he tries to be good. He +says the wasps catch spiders and cram them down into their nests in the +ground--alive, mama!--and there they live and suffer days and days and +days, and the hungry little wasps chewing their legs and gnawing into +their bellies all the time, to make them good and religious and praise +God for His infinite mercies. I think Mr. Hollister is just lovely, and +ever so kind; for when I asked him if he would treat a spider like that +he said he hoped to be damned if he would; and then he----Dear mama, have +you fainted! I will run and bring help! Now this comes of staying in +town this hot weather." + + + + APPENDIX X + + A CHRONOLOGICAL LIST OF MARK TWAIN'S WORK + + PUBLISHED AND OTHERWISE--FROM 1851-1910 + + +Note 1.--This is not a detailed bibliography, but merely a general list +of Mark Twain's literary undertakings, in the order of performance, +showing when, and usually where, the work was done, when and where first +published, etc. An excellent Mark Twain bibliography has been compiled +by Mr. Merle Johnson, to whom acknowledgments are due for important +items. + +Note 2.--Only a few of the more important speeches are noted. Volumes +that are merely collections of tales or articles are not noted. + +Note 3.--Titles are shortened to those most commonly in use, as "Huck +Finn" or "Huck" for "The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn." + +Names of periodicals are abbreviated. + +The initials U. E. stand for the "Uniform Edition" of Mark Twain's +works. + +The chapter number or numbers in the line with the date refers to the +place in this work where the items are mentioned. + + + 1851. + (See Chapter xviii of this work.) + +Edited the Hannibal Journal during the absence of the owner and editor, +Orion Clemens. +Wrote local items for the Hannibal Journal. +Burlesque of a rival editor in the Hannibal Journal. +Wrote two sketches for The Sat. Eve. Post (Philadelphia). +To MARY IN H-l. Hannibal Journal. + + + 1852-53. + (See Chapter xviii.) + +JIM WOLFE AND THE FIRE--Hannibal Journal. +Burlesque of a rival editor in the Hannibal Journal. + + + 1853. + (See Chapter xix.) + +Wrote obituary poems--not published. +Wrote first letters home. + + + 1855-56. + (See Chapters xx and xxi.) + +First after-dinner speech; delivered at a printers' banquet in Keokuk, +Iowa. +Letters from Cincinnati, November 16, 1856, signed "Snodgrass" +--Saturday Post (Keokuk). + + 1857. + (See Chapter xxi.) + +Letters from Cincinnati, March 16, 1857, signed "Snodgrass"--Saturday +Post (Keokuk). + + + 1858. + +Anonymous contributions to the New Orleans Crescent and probably to St. +Louis papers. + + 1859. + (See Chapter xxvii; also Appendix B.) + +Burlesque of Capt. Isaiah Sellers--True Delta (New Orleans), May 8 or 9. + + + 1861. + (See Chapters xxxiii to xxxv.) + + +Letters home, published in The Gate City (Keokuk). + + + 1862. + (See Chapters xxxv to xxxviii.) + +Letters and sketches, signed "Josh," for the Territorial Enterprise +(Virginia City, Nevada). +REPORT OF THE LECTURE OF PROF. PERSONAL PRONOUN--Enterprise. +REPORT OF A FOURTH OF JULY ORATION--Enterprise. +THE PETRIFIED MAN--Enterprise. +Local news reporter for the Enterprise from August. + + + 1863. + (See Chapters xli to xliii; also Appendix C.) + +Reported the Nevada Legislature for the Enterprise. +First used the name "Mark Twain," February 2. +ADVICE TO THE UNRELIABLE--Enterprise. +CURING A COLD--Enterprise. U. E. +INFORMATION FOR THE MILLION--Enterprise. +ADVICE TO GOOD LITTLE GIRLS--Enterprise. +THE DUTCH NICK MASSACRE--Enterprise. +Many other Enterprise sketches. +THE AGED PILOT MAN (poem)--"ROUGHING IT." U. E. + + 1864. + (See. Chapters xliv to xlvii.) + +Reported the Nevada Legislature for the Enterprise. +Speech as "Governor of the Third House." +Letters to New York Sunday Mercury. +Local reporter on the San Francisco Call. +Articles and sketches for the Golden Era. +Articles and sketches for the Californian. +Daily letters from San Francisco to the Enterprise. +(Several of the Era and Californian sketches appear in SKETCHES NEW AND +OLD. U. E.) + + + 1865. + (See Chapters xlix to li; also Appendix E.) + +Notes for the Jumping Frog story; Angel's Camp, February. +Sketches etc., for the Golden Era and Californian. +Daily letter to the Enterprise. +THE JUMPING FROG (San Francisco) Saturday Press. New York, +November 18. U. E. + + + 1866. + (See Chapters lii to lv; also Appendix D.) + +Daily letter to the Enterprise. +Sandwich Island letters to the Sacramento Union. +Lecture on the Sandwich Islands, San Francisco, October 2. +FORTY-THREE DAYS IN AN OPEN BOAT--Harper's Magazine, December (error in +signature made it Mark Swain). + + + 1867. + (See Chapters lvii to lxv; also Appendices E, F, and G.) + +Letters to Alta California from New York. +JIM WOLFE AND THE CATS--N. Y. Sunday Mercury. +THE JUMPING FROG--book, published by Charles Henry Webb, May 1. U. E. +Lectured at Cooper Union, May, '66. +Letters to Alta California and New York Tribune from the Quaker City +--Holy Land excursion. +Letter to New York Herald on the return from the Holy Land. +After-dinner speech on "Women" (Washington). +Began arrangement for the publication of THE INNOCENTS ABROAD. + + + 1868. + (See Chapters lxvi to lxix; also Appendices H and I.) + +Newspaper letters, etc., from Washington, for New York Citizen, Tribune, +Herald, and other papers and periodicals. +Preparing Quaker City letters (in Washington and San Francisco) for book +publication. +CAPTAIN WAKEMAN'S (STORMFIELD'S) VISIT TO HEAVEN (San Francisco), +published Harper's Magazine, December, 1907-January, 1908 (also book, +Harpers). +Lectured in California and Nevada on the "Holy Land," July 2. +S'CAT! Anonymous article on T. K. Beecher (Elmira), published in local +paper. +Lecture-tour, season 1868-69. + + + 1869. + (See Chapters lxx to lxxni.) + +THE INNOCENTS ABROAD--book (Am. Pub. Co.), July 20. U. E. +Bought one-third ownership in the Buffalo Express. +Contributed editorials, sketches, etc., to the Express. +Contributed sketches to Packard's Monthly, Wood's Magazine, etc. +Lecture-tour, season 1869-70. + + + 1870. + (See Chapters lxxiv to lxxx; also Appendix J.) + +Contributed various matter to Buffalo Express. +Contributed various matter under general head of "MEMORANDA" to Galaxy +Magazine, May to April, '71. +ROUGHING IT begun in September (Buffalo). +SHEM'S DIARY (Buffalo) (unfinished). +GOD, ANCIENT AND MODERN (unpublished). + + + 1871. + (See Chapters lxxxi and lxxxii; also Appendix K.) + +MEMORANDA continued in Galaxy to April. +AUTOBIOGRAPHY AND FIRST ROMANCE--[THE FIRST ROMANCE had appeared in the +Express in 1870. Later included in SKETCHES.]--booklet (Sheldon & Co.). +U. E. +ROUGHING IT finished (Quarry Farm). +Ruloff letter--Tribune. +Wrote several sketches and lectures (Quarry Farm). +Western play (unfinished). +Lecture-tour, season 1871-72. + + + 1872. + (See Chapters lxxxiii to lxxxvii; also Appendix L.) + +ROUGHING IT--book (Am. Pub. Co.), February. U. E. +THE MARK TWAIN SCRAP-BOOK invented (Saybrook, Connecticut). +TOM SAWYER begun as a play (Saybrook, Connecticut). +A few unimportant sketches published in "Practical jokes," etc. +Began a book on England (London). + + + 1873. + (See Chapters lxxxviii to xcii.) + +Letters on the Sandwich Islands-Tribune, January 3 and 6. +THE GILDED AGE (with C. D. Warner)--book (Am. Pub. Co), December. U. E. +THE LICENSE OF THE PRESS--paper for The Monday Evening Club. +Lectured in London, October 18 and season 1873-74. + + + 1874. + (See Chapters xciii to xcviii; also Appendix M.) + +TOM SAWYER continued (in the new study at Quarry Farm). +A TRUE STORY (Quarry Farm)-Atlantic, November. U. E. +FABLES (Quarry Farm). U. E. +COLONEL SELLERS--play (Quarry Farm) performed by John T. Raymond. +UNDERTAKER'S LOVE-STORY (Quarry Farm) (unpublished). +OLD TIMES ON THE MISSISSIPPI (Hartford) Atlantic, January to July, 1875. +Monarchy letter to Mrs. Clemens, dated 1935 (Boston). + + + 1875. + (See Chapters c to civ; also Appendix N.) + +UNIVERSAL SUFFRAGE--paper for The Monday Evening Club. +SKETCHES NEW AND OLD--book (Am. Pub. Co.), July. U. E. +TOM SAWYER concluded (Hartford). +THE CURIOUS REP. OF GONDOUR--Atlantic, October (unsigned). +PUNCH, CONDUCTOR, PUNCH--Atlantic, February, 1876. U. E. +THE SECOND ADVENT (unfinished). +THE MYSTERIOUS CHAMBER (unfinished). +AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A DAMN FOOL (unfinished). +Petition for International Copyright. + 1876. + (See Chapters cvi to cx.) + +Performed in THE LOAN OF THE LOVER as Peter Spuyk (Hartford). +CARNIVAL OF CRIME--paper for The Monday Evening Club--Atlantic, June. +U. E. +HUCK FINN begun (Quarry Farm). +CANVASSER'S STORY (Quarry Farm)--Atlantic, December. U. E. +"1601" (Quarry Farm), privately printed. [And not edited by Livy. D.W.] +AH SIN (with Bret Harte)--play, (Hartford). +TOM SAWYER--book (Am. Pub. Co.), December. U. E. +Speech on "The Weather," New England Society, December 22. + + + 1877. + (See Chapters cxii to cxv; also Appendix O.) + +LOVES OF ALONZO FITZ-CLARENCE, ETC. (Quarry Farm)--Atlantic. +IDLE EXCURSION (Quarry Farm)--Atlantic, October, November, December. +U. E. +SIMON WHEELER, DETECTIVE--play (Quarry Farm) (not produced). +PRINCE AND PAUPER begun (Quarry Farm). +Whittier birthday speech (Boston), December. + + + 1878. + (See Chapters cxvii to cxx.) + +MAGNANIMOUS INCIDENT (Hartford)--Atlantic, May. U. E. +A TRAMP ABROAD (Heidelberg and Munich). +MENTAL TELEGRAPHY--Harper's Magazine, December, 1891. U. E. +GAMBETTA DUEL--Atlantic, February, 1879 (included in TRAMP). U. E. +REV. IN PITCAIRN--Atlantic, March, 1879. U. E. +STOLEN WHITE ELEPHANT--book (Osgood & Co.), 1882. U. E. +(The three items last named were all originally a part of the TRAMP +ABROAD.) + + + 1879. +(See Chapters cxxi to cxxiv; also Chapter cxxxiv and Appendix P.) + +A TRAMP ABROAD continued (Paris, Elmira, and Hartford). +Adam monument scheme (Elmira). +Speech on "The Babies" (Grant dinner, Chicago), November. +Speech on "Plagiarism" (Holmes breakfast, Boston), December. + + + 1880. + (See Chapters cxxv to cxxxii.) + +PRINCE AND PAUPER concluded (Hartford and Elmira). +HUCK FINN continued (Quarry Farm, Elmira). +A CAT STORY (Quarry Farm) (unpublished). +A TRAMP ABROAD--book (Am. Pub. Co.), March 13. U. E. +EDWARD MILLS AND GEO. BENTON (Hartford)--Atlantic, August. U. E. +MRS. McWILLIAMS AND THE LIGHTNING (Hartford)--Atlantic, September. U. E. + + + 1881. + (See Chapters cxxxiv to cxxxvii.) + +A CURIOUS EXPERIENCE--Century, November. U. E. +A BIOGRAPHY OF ----- (unfinished). +PRINCE AND PAUPER--book (Osgood R; CO.), December. +BURLESQUE ETIQUETTE (unfinished). [Included in LETTERS FROM THE EARTH +D.W.] + + + 1882. + (See Chapters cxl and cxli.) + +LIFE ON THE MISSISSIPPI (Elmira and Hartford). + + + 1883. + (See Chapters cxlii to cxlviii.) + +LIFE ON THE Mississippi--book (Osgood R CO.), May. U. E. +WHAT Is HAPPINESS?--paper for The Monday Evening Club. +Introduction to Portuguese conversation book (Hartford). +HUCK FINN concluded (Quarry Farm). +HISTORY GAME (Quarry Farm). +AMERICAN CLAIMANT (with W. D. Howells)--play (Hartford), produced by +A. P. Burbank. +Dramatized TOM SAWYER and PRINCE AND PAUPER (not produced). + + + 1884. + (See Chapters cxlix to cliii.) + +Embarked in publishing with Charles L. Webster. +THE CARSON FOOTPRINTS--the San Franciscan. +HUCK FINN--book (Charles L. Webster & Co.), December. U. E. +Platform-readings with George W. Cable, season '84-'85. + + + 1885. + (See Chapters cliv to clvii.) + +Contracted for General Grant's Memoirs. +A CAMPAIGN THAT FAILED--Century, December. U. E. +THE UNIVERSAL TINKER--Century, December (open letter signed X. Y. Z. +Letter on the government of children--Christian Union.) +KIDITCHIN (children's poem). + + + 1886. + (See Chapters clix to clxi; also Appendix Q.) + +Introduced Henry M. Stanley (Boston). +CONNECTICUT YANKEE begun (Hartford). +ENGLISH AS SHE IS TAUGHT--Century, April, 1887. +LUCK--Harper's, August, 1891. +GENERAL GRANT AND MATTHEW ARNOLD--Army and Navy dinner speech. + + + 1887. + (See Chapters clxii to clxiv; also Appendix R.) + +MEISTERSCHAFT--play (Hartford)-Century, January, 1888. U. E. +KNIGHTS OF LABOR--essay (not published). +To THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND--Harper's Magazine, December. U. E. +CONSISTENCY--paper for The Monday Evening Club. + + + 1888. + (See Chapters clxv to clxviii.) + +Introductory for "Unsent Letters" (unpublished). +Master of Arts degree from Yale. +Yale Alumni address (unpublished). +Copyright controversy with Brander Matthews--Princeton Review. +Replies to Matthew Arnold's American criticisms (unpublished). +YANKEE continued (Elmira and Hartford). +Introduction of Nye and Riley (Boston). + + + 1889. + (See Chapters clxix to clxxiii; also Appendix S.) + +A MAJESTIC LITERARY FOSSIL Harper's Magazine, February, 1890. U. E. +HUCK AND TOM AMONG THE INDIANS (unfinished). +Introduction to YANKEE (not used). +LETTER To ELSIE LESLIE--St Nicholas, February, 1890. +CONNECTICUT YANKEE--book (Webster & Co.), December. U. E. + + + 1890. + (See Chapters clxxii to clxxiv.) + +Letter to Andrew Lang about English Criticism. +(No important literary matters this year. Mark Twain engaged +promoting the Paige typesetting-machine.) + + + 1891. + (See Chapters clxxv to clxxvii.) + +AMERICAN CLAIMANT (Hartford) syndicated; also book (Webster & Co.), May, +1892. U. E. +European letters to New York Sun. +DOWN THE RHONE (unfinished). +KORNERSTRASSE (unpublished). + + + 1892. + (See Chapters clxxx to clxxxii.) + +THE GERMAN CHICAGO (Berlin--Sun.) U. E. +ALL KINDS OF SHIPS (at sea). U. E. +Tom SAWYER ABROAD (Nauheim)--St. Nicholas, November, '93, to April, '94. +U. E. +THOSE EXTRAORDINARY TWINS (Nauheim). U. E. +PUDD'NHEAD WILSON (Nauheim and Florence)--Century, December, '93, to +June, '94 U. E. +$100,000 BANK-NOTE (Florence)--Century, January, '93. U. E. + + + 1893. + (See Chapters clxxxiii to clxxxvii.) + +JOAN OF ARC begun (at Villa Viviani, Florence) and completed up to the +raising of the Siege of Orleans. +CALIFORNIAN'S TALE (Florence) Liber Scriptorum, also Harper's. +ADAM'S DIARY (Florence)--Niagara Book, also Harper's. +ESQUIMAU MAIDEN'S ROMANCE--Cosmopolitan, November. U. E. +IS HE LIVING OR IS HE DEAD?--Cosmopolitan, September. U. E. +TRAVELING WITH A REFORMER--Cosmopolitan, December. U. E. +IN DEFENSE OF HARRIET SHELLEY (Florence)--N. A.--Rev., July, '94. U. E. +FENIMORE COOPER'S LITERARY OFFENSES--[This may not have been written +until early in 1894.]--(Players, New York)--N. A. Rev., July,'95 U. E. + + + 1894. + (See Chapters clxxxviii to cxc.) + +JOAN OF ARC continued (Etretat and Paris). +WHAT PAUL BOURGET THINKS OF US (Etretat)--N. A. Rev., January, '95 U. E. +TOM SAWYER ABROAD--book (Webster & Co.), April. U. E. +PUDD'NHEAD WILSON--book (Am. Pub. Co.), November. U. E. +The failure of Charles L. Webster & Co., April 18. +THE DERELICT--poem (Paris) (unpublished). + + + 1895. + (See Chapters clxxxix and cxcii.) + +JOAN OF ARC finished (Paris), January 28, Harper's Magazine, April to +December. +MENTAL TELEGRAPHY AGAIN--Harper's, September. U. E. +A LITTLE NOTE TO PAUL BOURGET. U. E. +Poem to Mrs. Beecher (Elmira) (not published). U. E. +Lecture-tour around the world, begun at Elmira, July 14, ended July 31. + + + 1896. + (See Chapters cxci to cxciv.) + +JOAN OF ARC--book (Harpers) May. U. E. +TOM SAWYER, DETECTIVE, and other stories-book (Harpers), November. +FOLLOWING THE EQUATOR begun (23 Tedworth Square, London). + + + 1897. + (See Chapters cxcvii to cxcix.) + +FOLLOWING THE EQUATOR--book (Am. Pub. Co.), November. +QUEEN'S JUBILEE (London), newspaper syndicate; book privately printed. +JAMES HAMMOND TRUMBULL--Century, November. +WHICH WAS WHICH? (London and Switzerland) (unfinished). +TOM AND HUCK (Switzerland) (unfinished). + +HELLFIRE HOTCHKISS (Switzerland) (unfinished). +IN MEMORIAM--poem (Switzerland)-Harper's Magazine. U. E. +Concordia Club speech (Vienna). +STIRRING TIMES IN AUSTRIA (Vienna)--Harper's Magazine, March, 1898. U. E. + + + 1898. + (See Chapters cc to cciii; also Appendix T.) + +THE AUSTRIAN EDISON KEEPING SCHOOL AGAIN (Vienna) Century, August. U. E. +AT THE APPETITE CURE (Vienna)--Cosmopolitan, August. U. E. +FROM THE LONDON TIMES, 1904 (Vienna)--Century, November. U. E. +ABOUT PLAY-ACTING (Vienna)--Forum, October. U. E. +CONCERNING THE JEWS (Vienna)--Harper's Magazine, September, '99. U. E. +CHRISTIAN SCIENCE AND MRS. EDDY (Vienna)--Cosmopolitan, October. U. E. +THE MAN THAT CORRUPTED HADLEYBURG (Vienna)--Harper's Magazine, December, +'99 U. E. +Autobiographical chapters (Vienna); some of them used in the N. A. Rev., +1906-07. +WHAT IS MAN? (Kaltenleutgeben)--book (privately printed), August, 1906. +ASSASSINATION OF AN EMPRESS (Kaltenleutgeben) (unpublished). +THE MYSTERIOUS STRANGER (unfinished). +Translations of German plays (unproduced). + + + 1899. + (See Chapters cciv to ccviii.) + +DIPLOMATIC PAY AND CLOTHES (Vienna)--Forum, March. U. E. +MY LITERARY DEBUT (Vienna)--Century, December. U. E. +CHRISTIAN SCIENCE (Vienna)--N. A. Rev., December, 1902, January and +February, 1903. +Translated German plays (Vienna) (unproduced). +Collaborated with Siegmund Schlesinger on plays (Vienna) (unfinished). +Planned a postal-check scheme (Vienna). +Articles about the Kellgren treatment (Sanna, Sweden) (unpublished). +ST. JOAN OF ARC (London)--Harper's Magazine, December, 1904. U. E. +MY FIRST LIE, AND How I GOT OUT OF IT (London)--New York World. U. E. + +Articles on South African War (London) (unpublished) +Uniform Edition of Mark Twain's works (Am. Pub. Co.). + + 1900. + (See Chapters ccix to ccxii.) + +TWO LITTLE TALES (London)--Century, November, 1901. U. E. +Spoke on "Copyright" before the House of Lords. +Delivered many speeches in London and New York. + + + 1901. + (See Chapters ccxiii to ccxviii.) + +TO THE PERSON SITTING IN DARKNESS (14 West Tenth Street, New York) +--N. A. Rev., February. +TO MY MISSIONARY CRITICS (14 West Tenth Street, New York)--N. A. Rev., +April. +DOUBLE-BARREL DETECTIVE STORY (Saranac Lake, "The Lair") Harper's +Magazine, January and February, 1902. +Lincoln Birthday Speech, February 11. +Many other speeches. +PLAN FOR CASTING VOTE PARTY (Riverdale) (unpublished). +THE STUPENDOUS PROCESSION (Riverdale) (unpublished). +ANTE-MORTEM OBITUARIES--Harper's Weekly. +Received degree of Doctor of Letters from Yale. + + + 1902. + (See Chapters ccxix to ccxxiv; also Appendix U.) + +DOES THE RACE OF MAN LOVE A LORD? (Riverdale)--N. A. Rev., April. U. E. +FIVE BOONS of LIFE (Riverdale)--Harper's Weekly, July 5. U. E. +WHY NOT ABOLISH IT? (Riverdale)--Harper's Weekly, July 5. +DEFENSE OF GENERAL FUNSTON (Riverdale)--N. A. Rev., May. +IF I COULD BE THERE (Riverdale unpublished). +Wrote various articles, unfinished or unpublished. +Received degree of LL.D. from the University of Missouri, June. + +THE BELATED PASSPORT (York Harbor)--Harper's Weekly, December 6. U. E. +WAS IT HEAVEN? OR HELL? (York Harbor)--Harper's Magazine, December. U. E. +Poem (Riverdale and York Harbor) (unpublished) +Sixty-seventh Birthday speech (New York), November 27. + + + 1903. + (See Chapters ccxxv to ccxxx.) + +MRS. EDDY IN ERROR (Riverdale)--N. A. Rev., April. +INSTRUCTIONS IN ART (Riverdale)-Metropolitan, April and May. +EDDYPUS, and other C. S. articles (unfinished). +A DOG'S TALE (Elmira)--Harper's Magazine, December. U. E. +ITALIAN WITHOUT A MASTER (Florence)--Harper's Weekly, January 21, 1904. +U. E. +ITALIAN WITH GRAMMAR (Florence)--Harper's Magazine, August, U. E. +THE $30,000 BEQUEST (Florence)--Harper's Weekly, December 10, 1904. U. E. + + + 1904. + (See Chapters ccxxx to ccxxxiv.) + +AUTOBIOGRAPHY (Florence)--portions published, N. A. Rev. and Harper's +Weekly. +CONCERNING COPYRIGHT (Tyringham, Massachusetts)--N. A. Rev., January, +1905. +TSARS SOLILOQUY (21 Fifth Avenue, New York)--N. A. Rev., March, 1905. +ADAM'S DIARY--book (Harpers), April. + + + 1905. + (See Chapters ccxxxiv to ccxxxvii; also Appendix V.) + +LEOPOLD'S SOLILOQUY (21 Fifth Avenue, New York)--pamphlet, P. R. Warren +Company. +THE WAR PRAYER (21 Fifth Avenue, New York) (unpublished). +EVE'S DIARY (Dublin, New Hampshire)--Harper's Magazine, December. +3,000 YEARS AMONG THE MICROBES (unfinished). +INTERPRETING THE DEITY (Dublin New Hampshire) (unpublished). +A HORSE'S TALE (Dublin, New Hampshire)-Harper's Magazine, +August and September, 1906. +Seventieth Birthday speech. +W. D. HOWELLS (21 Fifth Avenue, New York)-Harper's Magazine, July, 1906. + + + 1906. + (See Chapters ccxxxix to ccli.) + +Autobiography dictation (21 Fifth Avenue, New York; and Dublin, New +Hampshire)--selections published, N. A. Rev., 1906 and 1907. +Many speeches. +Farewell lecture, Carnegie Hall, April 19. +WHAT IS MAN?--book (privately printed). +Copyright speech (Washington), December. + + + 1907. + (See Chapters cclvi to cclxiii.) + +Autobiography dictations (27 Fifth Avenue, New York; and Tuxedo). +Degree of Doctor of Literature conferred by Oxford, June 26. +Made many London speeches. +Begum of Bengal speech (Liverpool). +CHRISTIAN SCIENCE--book (Harpers), February. U. E. +CAPTAIN STORMFIELD'S VISIT To HEAVEN--book (Harpers). + + + 1908. + (See Chapters cclxiv to cclxx.) + +Autobiography dictations (21 Fifth Avenue, New York; and Redding, +Connecticut). +Lotos Club and other speeches. +Aldrich memorial speech. + + + 1909. + (See Chapters cclxxvi to cclxxxix; also Appendices N and W.) + +IS SHAKESPEARE DEAD?--book (Harpers), April. +A FABLE--Harper's Magazine December. +Copyright documents (unpublished). +Address to St. Timothy School. +MARJORIE FLEMING (Stormfield)--Harper's Bazar, December. +THE TURNING-POINT OF MY LIFE (Stormfield)--Harper's Bazar, February, 1910 +BESSIE DIALOGUE (unpublished). +LETTERS FROM THE EARTH (unfinished). +THE DEATH OF JEAN--Harper's, December, 1910. +THE INTERNATIONAL LIGHTNING TRUST (unpublished). + + + 1910. + (See Chapter ccxcii.) + +VALENTINES TO HELEN AND OTHERS (not published). +ADVICE TO PAINE (not published). + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Mark Twain, A Biography, Vol. 3, Part +2, 1907-1910, by Albert Bigelow Paine + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MARK TWAIN, A BIOGRAPHY, *** + +***** This file should be named 2987.txt or 2987.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/2/9/8/2987/ + +Produced by David Widger + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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