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diff --git a/29679.txt b/29679.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..4c0177f --- /dev/null +++ b/29679.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1880 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 93, +September 3, 1887, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 93, September 3, 1887 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: August 12, 2009 [EBook #29679] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Lesley Halamek, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOLUME 93, SEPTEMBER 3rd 1887 + +_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_ + + * * * * * + +SOME NOTES AT STARMOUTH. + +3 P.M.--Arrive at Starmouth--the retired Watering-place at which I +propose to write the Nautical Drama that is to render me famous and +wealthy. Leave luggage at Station, and go in search of lodgings. Hotel +out of the question--_table d'hote_ quite fatal to inspiration. On the +Esplanade, noting likely places with critical eye. Perhaps I _am_ a +little fastidious. What I should _really_ like is a little cottage; +two bow-windows, clematis on porch, flagstaff, and cannon (if it +wouldn't go off) in front. I could achieve immortality in a place like +that. Sea-view, of course, _indispensable_. Must be within sight of +the ever-changing ocean, within hearing of "the innumerable laughter +of the waves"--I know what the phrase _means_, though I shouldn't like +to have to explain it, and the waves just now are absolutely roaring. + +[Illustration: Down by the Sea.] + +3.15.--Still noting; plenty of time, and Starmouth "all before me +where to choose." More than a mile of Esplanade, and several brass +plates and cards advertising "Apartments." Must be cautious--not throw +the handkerchief in a hurry. Haven't seen the ideal place _yet_. + +3.30.--Better make a beginning. Try "Blenheim House" (all the houses +here either bear ducal, naval, or frankly plebeian names, I observe). +Ring: startling effect--grey-mouldy old person, with skeleton hands +folded on woollen tippet, glides in a ghastly manner down passage. +They really ought to put up a warning to people with nerves, as M. VAN +BEERS does at his _Salon Parisien_. Feel as if I had raised a ghost. +Wonder if she waits on lodgers--if so, my dinners will be rather like +the banquet GULLIVER had at Laputa. "Has she rooms to let at once?" +"No?" "_Oh!_" Well out of _that!_ + +3.45.--Warming to my work. Ring at door in "Amelia Terrace." Maid +appears--nice-looking girl, rather. "Have you"--I begin--when I see a +boy at the ground-floor window. Don't object to boys, as a class, but +this particular boy is pallid, with something round his throat, and an +indescribable air about him of conscious deadliness, and pride in the +unusual terror he inspires, which can only be accounted for by +recent Measles. Never under the same roof with _that_ boy! He eyes me +balefully, and I stare back, fascinated. "Have you," I begin +again--(I am full of resource, thank goodness!) "a Mrs. WALKER--(first +appropriate name that occurs to me)--staying here?" By a horrible +coincidence, they _have_! She has taken the ground-floor--where that +boy is! Awkward--very.... I manage to gasp out, "Then will you +please mention that I called?" and retire before she can ask my name. +Presence of mind, again! + +4 P.M.--Still seeking. Not so fastidious as I _was_. Have given up +the cottage, and clematis, and flagstaff. Only place answering that +description belongs--or so I inferred, from his language--to a retired +sea-captain, whom I disturbed in his nap to inquire whether he let +lodgings. As it happened, he _didn't_. Then (as I very nearly went +back and told him) what right had he to sport a brass plate? However, +I got some good racy dialogue for the Nautical Drama out of him. + +4.15.--More failures. Starmouth busy digesting, which it does publicly +in bow-windows. I must _not_ be so particular. I will do without +balconies--even bow-windows--but I cannot, I will not, sit on +horsehair furniture. + +4.20.--After all, so long as I get a sea-view, what matters? I can be +nautical and dramatic on _any_ kind of chair. And "Collingwood House," +too--what a name for me! I will go in. Rejected again--nothing till +Thursday fortnight! I am beginning to feel like an unpopular man at +a dance. I regard the people wallowing at the windows with a growing +hate; they are the elect--but that is no reason why they should parade +it in that ostentatious way--bad taste!... Can't get any rooms along +these terraces--I subdue my pride, and try a back-street. + +4.30.--Nature too strong for me--I _must_ face the sea. Surely there +must be _some_ cards I have overlooked!... Thought so! staring me in +the face all the time! Ring--ghost effect again--same old grey lady! +She asks me, in hollow tones, what I want. I ask her whether I left my +umbrella here (full of resource!) "No!" "Oh!" Back-street again after +that. + +4.40.--Even the back-streets will have none of me! I grow morbid. +Remember words of song, entreating vague somethings (perhaps stars) +"to smile on their vagabond boy"--no one smiles on me. And _I_ to have +vapoured about "throwing the handkerchief." Fool--fool!... They are +more sympathetic in the back-streets, though. "Starmouth is very +full!" They say, complacently, "they don't know if there's any place I +_could_ get into, not to say at once--they really _don't_!" + +5 P.M.--Back on the Esplanade again. Why, I certainly haven't been +_here_ before. Ring. While I am waiting for some one to appear, face +rises at window--_the measly boy!_ Confound these terrace-houses, all +alike! This time I _don't_ wait--I bolt. They will think I am a clown +out for a holiday, but I can't help that. + +5.15.--No, I must draw the line somewhere. At "Hatfield House," (good +address this) landlady appears with eruptive face, powdered--effect +not entirely happy--but I waive that. She has rooms--but the +sitting-room is out at the end of a yard, and I am to get to my bed +room through the kitchen! Can't write an epoch-making drama under +those conditions. + +5.30.--I am growing humbler--I would almost take a coal-cellar +now. Think I will go back to Hatfield and recant.... I have. "Very +sorry--this moment let".... "Oh!" + +5.35.--_At last!_ May choicest blessings light upon the head of +PLAPPER!--or rather of Mrs. PLAPPER, as her husband is out. She has +taken me in! Charming rooms--not actually facing the sea, but with +capital view of it round corner from bow-window. PLAPPER is an +optician--wonder whether it is weak eyes, or wifely duty, that +makes Mrs. P. wear blue spectacles? Everything arranged--terms most +reasonable--now to recover luggage. Stop; better ask address--or I +might never be able to find my optician again--like _Mrs. Barrett +Browning_ and her lost Bower! "You've only got to use PLAPPER'S name, +Sir, anywhere, and it will be all right," says Mrs. P. with natural +pride. Very convenient. For instance: _Stern Constable_ (to me). +"Can't come in here, Sir." _Myself._ "Can't I, though? _PLAPPER!_" And +in I go! Or I am in a scrape of some sort: "Have you anything to say?" +asks the Inspector. I whisper in his ear, "PLAPPER!" And they grovel +and release me. + +5.45.--Odd--but now I find myself wondering ungratefully, whether +I mightn't have done better than PLAPPER, after all. This is human +nature, I suppose--but discreditable. I _am_ overjoyed--really. I no +longer hate people. _I_ too am an initiate! But I can pity poor devils +who are houseless, I hope.... I order sundry things: "Send them in +to PLAPPER'S." Luggage regained and sent back--to PLAPPER'S. I feel +self-respect once more. + +6 P.M.--Returning to PLAPPER'S. And in this secure retreat my Nautical +drama is destined to see the light--if PLAPPER only knew! I feel an +affection already for this humble temporary home. Mrs. P. meets me at +the door. "So sorry, Sir--but _you can't have the rooms, after all_! +PLAPPER had let 'em quite unbeknown to me!" + +And this is Saturday! _I am under a curse!_ + + * * * * * + +THE BALLET. + +_Lament by the Rev. S. D. Headlam._ + + What was it first my fancy fed, + My steps to the Alhambra led, + And finally quite turned my head? + The Ballet! + + What, when I studied it apart, + Struck me with force that made me start, + As being a noble form of Art? + The Ballet! + + And what, when seen night after night, + Inspired me with supreme delight, + And made me to the _Pall-Mall_ write? + The Ballet! + + But what, when kindled with its fire, + I hoped my Bishop to inspire, + Alas! excited but his ire? + The Ballet! + + And what, although the orthodox + Two places in an upper box + I offered him,--but gave him shocks? + The Ballet! + + Ah! what, though every nerve I've strained + To see the dancers' battle gained, + Leaves me episcopally chained? + The Ballet! + + * * * * * + +LAST FRUITS OF THE SESSION.--Pairs. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: VENICE UNPRESERVED.] + +"The modern Venetian takes pleasure not only in neglecting but in +persecuting the palace and the gondola.... As to the gondola, the mass +of Venetians possess none, and rarely go in them.... They forget that +the much-desired foreigner does not come to Venice to read signboards +from a steamboat up and down the Grand Canal; and, by handing over +this magnificent waterway to a company of foreign speculators, they +have well-nigh reduced the ancient body of gondoliers to beggary. The +steamers are numerous and noisy.... If one contrasts the passengers of +these rival craft, the gondola and the _vaporetto_, one asks which, +as a body, most contribute to the prosperity of Venice, and so +merits most consideration.... The penny steamer and the gondola are +irreconcileable, and cannot exist long together, for the simple reason +that the gondoliers cannot earn a support, and must take to other +avocations." + + "EXSUL'S" _Letter to the Times on "The Venice of To-day."_ + +_Shade of_ CHILDE HAROLD _sings_:-- + + Yes, this is Venice; yon's the Bridge of Sighs; + The palace and the prison, still they stand: + But 'midst the maze foul funnel fumes arise. + As by the touch of an enchanter's hand, + A hundred such their smoky wings expand, + Around me, and a dying glory smiles + On what was once the poet's, artist's land, + Soot smears the winged Lion's marble piles, + And Venice reeks like Hull, throned on her hundred isles. + + She looks a swart sea Cyclops, from the ocean, + Rising with smutted walls and blackened towers; + The _vaporetto_, with erratic motion, + Muddies the waters with its carbon-showers. + And such she is! Progress's dismal dowers + Have spoilt the picture; now the eye may feast + On garish signs and posters. Gracious powers! + Sewing-machines and hair-washes at least + Might spare the Grand Canal. Trade is an ogre-ish beast! + + In Venice Vulcan's echoes hiss and roar, + And idle sits the hapless Gondolier. + His Gondola is crumbling on the shore, + The Penny Steamer's whistle racks his ear. + 'ARRY exults--but Beauty is not here; + Trade swells, Arts grow--but Nature seems to die. + Hucksters may boast that Venice is less "dear," + "_Progresso!_" is the Press, the Public cry; + But, by great RUSKIN'S self, the thing is all my eye. + + For unto us she had a spell beyond + Cheap dinners and Advertisement's array + Of polychrome, of which Trade seems so fond. + Alas! the Dogeless city's silent sway + Will lessen momently, and fade away, + When the Rialto echoes to the roar + Of _vaporetti_, and in sad decay + The Gondola, its swan-like flittings o'er, + Neglected rots upon the solitary shore. + + Such is the Venice of my youth and age, + Its spell a void, its charm a vacancy. + Rosy Romance, thou owest many a page, + Ay, many that erst grew beneath _mine_ eye, + To what was once the loved reality + Of this true fairy-land; but I refuse + To deck with Art's fantastic wizardry + A haunt of Trade. Mine is not Mammon's Muse, + _She_ will not sing for hire of Soaps, or Silks, or Shoes. + + I know that there are such,--but let them go,-- + They came like ghouls, they'll disappear like dreams. + But oh! my Venice, dare they treat thee so? + I fain would flay the Vandal horde; still teems + My mind with memories of thy towers and streams,-- + All that I sought for in thy midst, and found. + Must these too go? The ogre Progress deems + Such fair and flattering phantasies unsound; + Now other voices speak, and other sights surround. + + "The spouseless Adriatic mourns her lord," + Ay, and yet worse, Venetian souls grow rude. + The Gondola lies rotting unrestored, + The Gondolier unhired must lounge and brood, + Or stoop to "stoking" for his daily food, + On board a puffing fiend that by "horse pow'r" + Measures its might. Oh! base ingratitude! + Dogs! ye one day shall howl for the lost hour, + When Venice was a Queen, with loveliness for dower. + + Gondolas ruled, and now the Steam Launch reigns, + A stoker shovels where a lover knelt. + This thing of steam and smoke that stinks and stains, + Might suit the tainted Thames, the sluggish Scheldt; + But the Canal, which for long years hath felt + The sunshine of Romance--that downward go? + This is the deadliest blow that Trade hath dealt; + Enough to bring back blind old DANDOLO, + To fight his country's latest most debasing foe. + + Before St. Mark still glow his steeds of brass, + But garish signboards glitter in the sun; + And up and down the watery alleys pass + The snorting steamers. Venice lost and won, + Her thirteen hundred years of beauty done, + Sinks to an Isle of Dogs. Let her life close! + Better be whelmed beneath the waves, and shun + Ev'n in destruction's depths her Vandal foes, + Than live a thrall to Trade, a scourge to eyes and nose. + + Dreams of Romance--all shattered! They revile + Our "Ruskinismo," do these souls of dust, + Who care not for their sumptuous marble pile, + Oh, sons unworthy of their splendid trust! + With his oar broken, and his dry keel thrust, + Unused ashore, the Gondolier recalls + Gay days and nights of glory, such as must + Too oft remind him _who_ his land enthrals, + And flings a sordid cloud o'er Venice' shining walls. + + How can the Childe's poetic shade refuse + To plead his cause, on his base foe make war? + Perchance redemption from a phantom Muse, + Whose voice now faintly echoes from afar, + May come, and check his sordid conqueror's car, + E'en in its roll of victory, snatch the reins, + From Greed's foul hands and further havoc bar, + Say, _shall_ the Penny Steamer's petty gains, + Banish the Gondolier, and hush his cheery strains? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TENDER PASSAGES. + +_He_ (_tenderly_). "YES; WHEN IT'S DONE AGAIN, YOU MUST REALLY SEE THE +BLONDIN DONKEY!" + +_She_ (_sincerely_). "I WILL. I'LL LOOK OUT FOR IT, AND, WHEN I DO SEE +IT, I WILL THINK OF _YOU_!!"] + + * * * * * + +VIRTUES OF OMISSION. + +PEOPLE--Mr. IMPREY, Mr. GEORGE SMITH (of Coalville), and others--are +actually to be found contending for the barren honour of having +invented that terrible nuisance of a catch-phrase, "Three Acres and a +Cow!" Strange and morbid perversion of ambition! As well fight for +the deep discredit of having been the first to hit upon such kindred +controversial horrors as the boring and question-begging "gags" of +"Law and Order," "Patriot first, and Party-man afterwards," "Hand over +to the tender mercies, &c.," "Disintegration of the Empire," or even +that most hackneyed of political phrases, "Grand Old Man" itself. Now, +if any one took credit to himself for never, never having uttered +the "Acre and Cow" Shibboleth, or made use of any others of these +soul-sickening bits of polemical claptrap, _Mr. Punch could_ understand, +and admire, and envy. There be things that _everybody_--possessed of +sense and sobriety--would "rather not have said." + + * * * * * + +THE WAY OF THE WIND. + +_By an anxious Unionist._ + +[Mr. T. W. RUSSELL has formally withdrawn from the Unionist Party.] + + Ah! sorely tossed is our poor "Union" bark, + We shall not get to port without a tussle. + They say the wind will change against us. Hark! + That wind seems rising; I can hear its RUSSELL. + + * * * * * + +A FIGHT FOR THE FORTY.--Sir EDWARD HAMLEY is, admittedly, one of the +greatest strategists the British Army possesses. Although in the prime +of life, this gallant officer will be "automatically retired," unless +he receives a military appointment before the end of October. It has +been suggested that he should be employed to work out a scheme for the +protection of London. This will be far easier work for him to do than +to have to frame a defence of the Government that has so long, and so +strangely, and (some say) so maliciously overlooked him. + + * * * * * + +CON: FOR THE CONSIDERATE.--Why is Happiness like an Act of Parliament? +Because you can never tell its value until it is passed. + + * * * * * + +ALL IN PLAY. + + DEAR MR. PUNCH, + +[Illustration] + +This year has been a great one for America in London. The Exhibition +in West Kensington, with its Wild West Show, has attracted its +thousands, and at this moment two dramas (both from the United States) +are very popular in the Strand and Oxford Street. A few nights ago, +anxious to save you the trouble of filling a stall with your customary +urbanity and critical acumen (to say nothing of your august person and +opera-glasses), I visited the Princess's, to assist at a performance +of _The Shadows of a Great City_. It was really a most amusing piece, +written by JEFFERSON, the _Rip Van Winkle_ of our youth, who you will +remember was wont in years gone by to drink to the health of ourselves +and our wives and our families at the Adelphi. The _City_ was New +York, and the most substantial of the _Shadows_, Mr. J. H. BARNES, a +gentleman who might be aptly described as one of the "heaviest" of our +light comedians. He played a fine-hearted sailor with an earnestness +of purpose that carried all before it. I cannot conscientiously say +that he gave me the idea that he was exactly fitted to take command of +the Channel Fleet, but after seeing him I retained the impression that +he would have felt entirely at home on the quarter-deck of a Thames +Steamboat. Mr. HARRY NICHOLLS, who has so often assisted to make the +fortune (as a jocular scoundrel) of a Drury Lane melodrama, was also +in the cast, and so was Miss CICELY RICHARDS, _the Belinda_ of _Our +Boys_. Then there was Miss MARY RORKE, a most sympathetic heroine, and +several other excellent performers, whose names, however, were less +familiar to me. + +The play, admirably mounted with capital scenery, recalled a number of +pleasant memories. Here was a suggestion of _The Ticket of Leave Man_, +there a notion from _The Colleen Bawn_, and yonder ideas from _The +Long Strike_ and _Arrah-na-Pogue_. There is nothing new under the +sun, and _The Shadows of a Great City_ is no exception to the rule. +However, it is a thoroughly exciting play, full of murder and mirth, +wrong-doing and waggery, startling incidents, and side-splitting +comicalities. It was certainly greatly enjoyed, when I saw it, by +the audience, who cheered Mr. BARNES and Miss RORKE to the echo, and +hissed all their enemies to their heart's content, as a reward for the +most effectively-simulated villany. + +Very soon all the Theatres will be busy with the Autumn-cum-Winter +Season. The first on the List is Drury Lane, which, reserving PAYNE +for the Pantomime at Christmas, opens in September with _Pleasure_. + + Always yours sincerely, + ONE WHO HAS GONE TO PIECES. + + * * * * * + +SALUBRITIES ABROAD. + +_Still at Royat. Hotel Continental.--A propos_ of PULLER "airing +his French" Miss LOUISA METTERBRUN said something delighful to him +the other day at dinner. PULLER had been instructing us all in some +French idioms until Madame METTERBRUN set him right in his +pronunciation. He owned that he had made a slip. "But," says he, +wagging his head and pulling up his wristbands with the air of a +man thoroughly well satisfied with himself generally, "but I think +you'll allow that I can speak French better than most Englishmen, +eh?" + +Madame METTERBRUN doesn't exactly know what to say, but Miss LOUISA +comes to the rescue. "O Mr. PULLER"--he is frequently at their house +in London, and they know him intimately--"I always say to Mamma, when +we're abroad, that I do like to hear you talk French"--PULLER +smirks and thinks to himself that this is a girl of sense and rare +appreciation--"because," she goes on quietly, and all at table are +listening, "because your speaking French reminds me so of home." Her +home is London. I think PULLER won't ask Miss LOUISA for an opinion on +his French accent again in a hurry. + + * * * * * + +I have just been reading VICTOR HUGO'S _Choses Vues_. Admirable! +_Fuite de Louis Philippe!_ What a pitiful story. Then his account, +marvellously told, and the whole point of the narrative given in two +lines, of what became of the brain of TALLEYRAND. Graphically written +is his visit to THIERS on behalf of ROCHEFORT. Says THIERS to him, +"_Cent journaux me trainent tous les matins dans la boue. Mais +savez-vous mon procede? Je ne les lis pas._" To which HUGO rejoined, +"_C'est precisement ce que je fais. Lire les diatribes, c'est respirer +les latrines de sa renommee._" Most public men, certainly most +authors, artists, and actors, would do well to remember this advice, +and act upon it. + + * * * * * + +"_Choses Vues_," written "_Shows Vues_" would be a good heading for an +all-round-about theatrical and entertainment article in _Mr. Punch's_ +pages. Patent this. + + * * * * * + +PULLER has recovered his high spirits. The temperature has changed: +the waters are agreeing with him. So is the dinner hour, which M. +HALL, our landlord, kindly permits us to have at the exceptional +and un-Royat-like hour of 7.30. At dinner he is convivial. Madame +METTERBRUN and her two daughters are discussing music. Cousin JANE +is deeply interested in listening to Madame METTERBRUN on WAGNER. The +young Ladies are thorough Wagnerites. La Contessa is unable to get +a word in about SHAKSPEARE and SALVINI, and her daughter, who, +in a quiet tone and with a most deliberate manner, announces herself +as belonging to the "Take-everything-easy Society," is not at this +particular moment interested in anything except the _menu_, which she +is lazily scrutinising through her long-handled _pince-nez_. + +Mrs. DINDERLIN, having succumbed to the usual first attack of Royat +depression, is leaning back in her chair, smelling salts and nodding +assent to the Wagnerite theories, with which she entirely agrees. +For my own part, I am neutral; but as the METTERBRUNS are thorough +musicians,--the mother being a magnificent pianist, and the eldest +daughter a composer,--I am really interested in hearing all they have +to say on the subject. Our bias is, temporarily, decidedly Wagnerian, +for Cousin JANE, who is really in favour of "tune," and plenty of +it,--being specially fond of BELLINI and DONIZETTI,--in scientific +musical society has not the courage of her opinions. + +From composers the conversation travels to executants, and we name the +favourite singers. After we have pretty well exhausted the list, and +objected to this one as having a head voice, or to that as using the +_vibrato_, or to the other as dwelling on an upper note ("queer sort +of existence," says PULLER, gradually coming up, as it were to the +surface to open his mouth for breath,--whereat Cousin JANE smiles, and +Miss CASANOVA lazily nods approbation of the joke--while the rest of +us ignore PULLER, putting him aside as not wanted just now,--when +down he goes again), we generally agree that GAYARRE is about the +best tenor we have had in London for some time; that SANTLEY is still +unequalled as a baritone; that there is no one now to play and sing +_Mephistopheles_ like FAURE; that M. MAUREL is about the finest +representative of _Don Giovanni_; that Miss ARNOLDSON shows great +promise; that ALBANY is unrivalled; that MARIE ROZE is difficult to +beat as _Carmen_; and that it is a pity that PATTI'S demands are so +exorbitant; and having exhausted the list of operatic artists,--Madame +and her daughters holding that certain Germans, with whose names we, +unfortunately for us, are not even acquainted, are far superior to any +French or Italian singers that can be named--there ensues a pause in +the conversation, of which the Countess CASANOVA takes advantage, +and extending her right hand, which movement sharply jingles her +bracelets, and so, as it were, sounds a bell to call us to attention, +cuts in quickly with an emphatic, "Well, I don't profess to understand +music as _you_ do. I know what I like"--("Hear! hear!" _sotto voce_ +from PULLER, coming up again to the surface, which draws a languidly +approving inclination of the head from Miss CASANOVA, and a smile, +deprecating the interruption, from Cousin JANE),--"and I must say," +continues the Countess, emphatically, "I would rather have one hour +of SALVINI in _Othello_, than a whole month of the best Operas by +the best composers,--WAGNER included," and down comes her hand on the +table, all the bracelets ringing down the curtain on the first act. + +We, the non-combatants, feel that the mailed gauntlet has been thrown +down by the Countess as a challenge to the METTERBRUNS. + +"O Mother!" faintly remonstrates Miss CASANOVA, who loves a stall at +the Opera. She fears that her mother's energetic declaration means +war, and fans herself helplessly. + +I am preparing to reconcile music and the drama, and am getting ready +a supply of oil for what I foresee will be troubled waters, as the +METTERBRUNS are beginning to rustle their feathers and flap their +wings,--when PULLER, leaning well forward, and stretching out an +explanatory hand, with his elbow planted firmly on the table, ("Very +bad manners," says Cousin JANE afterwards to me) says genially, "Well, +_voyez vous_, look here, you may talk of your WAGNERS and SHAKSPEARES, +and GAYARRES, and PATTIS, but, for singing and acting, give me ARTHUR +ROBERTS. Yes," he repeats pleasantly but defiantly, and taking up, +as it were, the Countess's gauntlet, "SALVINI'S not in it with ARTHUR +ROBERTS." + +The Countess's fan spreads out and works furiously. The steam is +getting up. The METTERBRUNS open their eyes, and regard one another in +consternation. They don't know who ARTHUR ROBERTS is. + +"Not know!" exclaims PULLER, quite in his element. "Well, when you +come to London, you send to me, and I'll take you to hear him." + +"He's a Music-Hall singer," says the Countess, fanning herself with an +air of contemptuous indifference. + +"Music-Hall Ar-_tiste_!" returns PULLER, emphasising the second +syllable, which to his mind expresses a great deal, and makes all the +difference. "Now, Miladi," he goes on, imitating the manner of one +of his own favourite counsel, engaged by PULLER & CO., conducting a +cross-examination, "Have you ever seen him?" + +"Yes," she replies, shrugging her shoulders, "once. And," she adds, +making the bracelets jingle again, as with a tragedy queen's action of +the right arm she sweeps away into space whole realms of Music Halls +and comic singers, "that was quite enough." + +"Didn't he make you laugh?" continues PULLER, still in the character +of a stern cross-examiner. + +"Laugh!" almost shrieks the Countess, extending her hands so suddenly +that I have only time to throw myself back to avoid a sharp tap on +the head from her fan. "Heavens! not a bit! not the least bit in the +world! He made me sad! I saw the people in the stalls laughing, and I +said,"--here she appeals with both hands to the majority of sensible +people at large--still at large--"'Am I stupid? am I dull? Do I not +understand?'" + +"O Mother!" expostulates her daughter, in her most languid manner, "he +_was_ funny!" + +"Funny!" ejaculates the Countess, tossing her head. + +"I'd rather see ARTHUR ROBERTS than SALVINI," says PULLER, waggishly, +but with conviction. + +"I think I would, for choice," says Miss CASANOVA, meditatively, but +seeing the Countess's horrified expression of countenance, she takes +care to add more languidly than ever, as if taking the smallest part +in an argument were really too exhausting, "but then, you know, I +really don't understand tragedy, and I love a laugh." + +"Prefers ARTHUR ROBERTS to SALVINI!" exclaims the Countess, and throws +up her hands and eyes to the ceiling as if imploring Heaven not to +visit on her the awful heresy of her child. + +Here I interpose. SALVINI, I say, is a great _Artiste_, no doubt of +it, a marvellous Tragedian; and ARTHUR ROBERTS is not, in the true +dramatic sense of the word, a genuine Comedian; but he is, in another +sense a true Comedian, though of the Music-Hall school. + +"What a school!" murmurs the Countess, and with a pained expression of +countenance as though she were suffering agonies. + +The METTERBRUNS see the difference. Madame remembers a fat comic man +in Berlin, at some garden, who used to wear a big hat and carry +a large pipe, and make her laugh very much when she was a girl. +Certainly, in his way, he was an artist. Is this ARTHUR ROBERTS +anything like MAX SPLUeTTERWESSEL? At this point, as we have finished +coffee, and the Countess finds the room hot, I propose adjourning the +debate to the Restaurant in the garden, as we are too late for the +band at the Casino Samie. + +The party is broken up in order to walk down to our rendezvous. + +PULLER, whose idea of making things pleasant, and, as he expresses it, +"sweetening everyone all round," is to order "drinks" for everybody, +insists upon the party taking "_consommations_"--he loves saying this +word--at his expense. The Countess at first objects, as also does +Madame METTERBRUN; but, on PULLER'S explaining that he belongs to +"The Two-with-you Society," they accept this explanation as utterly +unintelligible but perfectly satisfactory; and so, accepting PULLER'S +_al fresco_ hospitality, we form a cheerful group round two tables +put together for our accommodation. PULLER'S hospitality has taken the +form of grenadines, chartreuses, and "sherry-gobblers,"--he loves this +word too,--for us all round, and he has ordered for himself a strange +mixture, which perfumes the night air as if some nauseous draught +had been brought out of a chemist's shop, and which looks like green +stagnant water in a big glass. It is called by PULLER, with great +glee, an "Absinthe gummy." + +Anything nastier to look at or to smell I am not acquainted with in +the way of drinks. However, he is our host, and I have a grenadine +before me of his ordering, and between my lips an excellent cigar +which is his gift. I can only say mildly, "It looks nasty;" and Cousin +JANE expresses herself to the same effect, remarking also as she looks +significantly towards me, that it is late, and that I am not keeping +Royat hours. I promise to come away in ten minutes. PULLER is in the +highest possible spirits: surrounded by this company, all drinking his +drinks, he as it were takes the chair and presides. He knocks on the +table, which brings the waiter, to whom he says, holding up a couple +of fingers "Two with you,"--whereat the waiter only smiles upon the +eccentric Englishman, shakes his head, and wisely retires. + +"Ah, Miladi," says PULLER, "you must take a course of ROBERTS. He's a +rum 'un." Then he sings, "He's all right when you know him, but you've +got to hear him _fust_." + +His guests politely smile, all except the Countess. I preserve a +discreet silence. Taking this on the whole for encouragement, PULLER +commences the song from which he has already quoted the chorus. What +the words are I do not catch, but as PULLER reproduces to the life the +style and manner of a London Music-Hall singer, and cocks his hat on +one side, it is no wonder that the French people at the other table +turn towards us in amazement. + +"For goodness sake, MR. PULLER!" cries the Countess, rising from her +chair in consternation. JANE also rises, Miss CASANOVA is laughing +nervously. The METTERBRUNS look utterly astonished. I feel I must stop +this at once. + +"My dear fellow," I say, magisterially, "you really mustn't do +this sort of thing"--he is breaking out again with "_O what a +surprise!_"--but I get up from my seat to reprove him gravely. "You +would not do this if you were in a London Restaurant." + +"No," he replies, not in the least offended--"that's the lark of it. +I belong to 'The Out-for-a-lark-and-Two-with-you Society.' Don't you +mind me," he adds; then turning with a pleasant wink to the ladies, +who have been putting on their wraps and mantles, and are preparing to +leave, he sings again,-- + + "I'm all right when you know me-- + But----" + +We leave him to finish the song by himself. + +And to think that my friend PULLER, with his hat cocked on one side, +a big cigar in his mouth, a tumbler of "absinthe gummy" before him, a +rakish expression in his eye, is the same PULLER to whom, as partner +in the firm of HORLER, PULLER, PULLER (J), BAKER AND DAYVILLE, +Solicitors, I would trust my dearest interests in any matter of +property, of character, even of life itself! The strange story of +_Hyde_ and _Jekyll_ is no fiction, after all. + + * * * * * + +WHITMAN IN LONDON. + +(_Adapted from the American._) + + Oh, site of Coldbath Fields Prison! + Oh, eight and three-quarter acres of potential Park for the plebs! + I gaze at you; I, WALT, gaze at you through cracks in the + black hoarding, + Though the helmeted blue-coated Bobby dilates to me on the + advantages of moving on. + I marvel at the stupidity of Authorities everywhere. + I stand and inhale a playground which in a week or two will be turned + into a Post Office by Government orders! + Instead of plants growing here, bricks will be planted. + Instead of girlhood, boyhood playing here, cash will be counted, stamps + will be affixed (savagely) by the public, and letters weighed when + the young women have time, and also inclination, to do so. + I, from the wild Western Continent, wilder myself, weep for this Park + soon to be devoured. + I am like a buck-jumper: I buck at it. + I am like the Giant Cowboy: only I am not gigantic, and I am cowed by it. + Oh, Northerly end of Farringdon Street! Oh, Coldbath Fields Square! + Oh, dwellers in all the adjacent slums and rookeries, redolent of + old clothes' shops, swarthy Italian organ-grinders, and the + superannuated herring, + Are you going to see another House of Correction--a Postal one--built + where the old one stood? + If so, it is _I_ who correct you: I, who am so correct myself! + +[Illustration: A Salt and Battery.] + + And you, too, Clerkenwell Gaol! + What are the dodrotted Authorities going to do with _you_? + Eh? Clear you away, and build a Board School there? + But why build anything? + Clerkenwell is mine: I am _a propos_ of Clerkenwell: Clerkenwell is + _a propos_ of me. + Morally, if not legally, it is mine; morally it is yours as well, you + wizened, pallid, blue-nosed, dunderheaded Metropolitan Citizen! + In this jungle of houses, what is wanted is fresh air. + Everyone of you toilers should be given the real "Freedom of the City," + by having free spaces bestowed on you. + It is better to learn how to expand the limbs, and play rounders, and + leap over the frog, and fly kites, + Than to acquire in a school-room elementary education, consisting of + algebra and Assyrian hieroglyphics, spelling, Greek, Italian, and + advanced trigonometry. + _Allons_, then! _Esperanza!_ Also _cui bono!_ Go to your Home + Secretary, your Postmaster in General, and tell them that no + Post Office or School shall be built on this spot, + Because I, WALT, hailing hoarsely from Manhattan, have spotted it, + And _Punch_, the lustrous _camerado_, the ineffable dispensator, will + spot it too! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: COMPENSATION. + +_Effie._ "BUT, DEAR MAMMA, HOW CAN WE _HELP_ BEING SELFISH, MAUD AND +I? YOU AND PAPA HAVE ALWAYS GIVEN WAY TO US IN EVERYTHING! UNSELFISH +PARENTS ALWAYS MAKE SELFISH CHILDREN, YOU KNOW--AND _VICE VERSA!_" + +_Maud._ "YES; AND, ACCORDING TO THAT, MUMMY DARLING, JUST THINK WHAT +NICE _UN_SELFISH _GRAND_CHILDREN YOU'LL HAVE, IF WE EVER MARRY!"] + + * * * * * + +JUPITER TONANS! + + "Shall I fetch your thunderbolt, Jove?" inquired + Ganymede.--_Ixion in Heaven._ + +_Modern Jupiter loquitur:--_ + + A bolt, a potent one, and brought at need! + That B-LF-R is a ready Ganymede. + And yet--and yet--ah, well, upon my soul, + A troublous function is the Thunderer's _role_. + 'Tis vastly fine, of course; if fate would smile, + I fancy that the Cloud-Compeller's style + Would suit me sweetly; just the line I love; + Resolute rule's the appanage of a Jove. + But SHELLEY's dismal Demogorgon's self, + That solemn, shadowy, stern, oracular elf, + Plus obstinate Prometheus, did not play + Such mischief as the parties do to-day, + With Law and Order. Who would be a god + When force forsakes his bolt, and fear his nod? + + Yes, here's the bolt forged ready to my hand, + But,--will it fly obedient to command, + And hit the mark I mean? Would I were sure; + Then should I hold my new-found seat secure, + Without a thought of Saturn, or that Hour + Which sets a term e'en to Olympian pow'r. + But what if like a boomerang, it fly + Back to my hand, or, worse, into mine eye? + Ah, Ganymede, Jupiter Tonans seems + A splendid part, in young ambition's dreams, + But, Ganymede, who would aspire, I wonder, + To be a Jove who's half afraid to thunder? + With doubts about the handling of my bolt, + And half Olympus in half-veiled revolt; + With hostile Titans mustering on the plain, + And old Prometheus "popping up again"; + With Demogorgon lurking down below, + Disguised as Demos, with its muffled, low, + But multitudinous slowly-swelling voice, + How should I in Olympian power rejoice? + I grasp the bolt; I cannot well refuse it; + But--I half hope I may not have to use it! + + * * * * * + +"HOMES IN THE HILLS." + + [The absence of skilled nursing in the British Military + Hospitals in India having long been felt to be a serious evil, + leading to the needless sacrifice of brave and valuable lives, + the SECRETARY of STATE has sanctioned the employment of + Lady Nurses in these hospitals. The Government of India have + undertaken the whole cost in connection with this scheme, + except the provision of "Homes in the Hills," as restorative + resorts for the Nursing Sisters, when their own health feels + the strain of their arduous duties in such a climate as that + of the plains of India. The money required for this + most essential purpose the Government consider might be + "appropriately left to the active benevolence of private + individuals interested in the welfare of the British Soldier + in India." + + For aid towards the establishment of these "Homes in the + Hills," Lady ROBERTS, wife of the gallant Indian hero, Sir + FREDERICK ROBERTS, makes an appeal which _Mr. Punch_ desires + most earnestly to second. + + Subscriptions will be received by the Alliance Bank, Simla; + Messrs. Cox & Co., Craig's Court, London; and by Lady ROBERTS + herself.] + + To nurse our stricken Soldiers! Nobler task, + Or more ennobling, can our Sisters ask? + Whilst stout hearts suffer, soft ones shall not fail + In selfless readiness to soothe and save, + Sharing the tribute rendered by the brave + To FLORENCE NIGHTINGALE. + + Her sex's strong and sweet exemplar, she + Must surely send across the orient sea + To "NORA ROBERTS," as a kindred heart, + Message of warm good-will. And we at home + For whom our soldiers fight, and watch, and roam, + Shall we not do our part? + + 'Tis sad to think that in that burning land, + For lack of ministry from woman's hand, + Strong men and gallant boys have sunk and died. + Gladdening to hear that Nursing Sisters now, + To cool hot lips and ease pain-fevered brow, + Will seek our Soldiers' side. + + But who shall nurse the Nurses? When the strain + Of ministry on India's torrid plain + Brings the fatigue that, long-neglected, kills, + They'll need, as health-resorts whereto to send, + For rest restorative, the soldiers' friend, + Homes in the cooler hills. + + For these the Lady of our gallant Chief, + Whose brilliant march brought Candahar relief, + Pleads to a public whom that honoured name + Alone should stir to sympathy and aid. + Help for the Helpers! _Punch_ is not afraid + _That_ plea will miss its aim! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: JUPITER TONANS! + +"HA!--A POWERFUL WEAPON!--HOPE I MAYN'T HAVE TO USE IT!!"] + + * * * * * + +HOLIDAY HINTS. + +(_From Crowded-out Correspondents._) + +SIR,--The plan of your Correspondent, "A DOUBTFUL SAILOR," who alleges +that he avoids sea-sickness by drinking two bottles of Champagne +before starting, and then goes on board accompanied by his Family +Doctor, who administers alternately nitrous oxide gas and ginger beer +to him every ten minutes till the passage is over, though no doubt +an efficacious preventive, strikes me as less simple than the means +I invariably employ to secure a comfortable crossing. They are easily +available, and are as follows. Before I start I provide myself with a +six-foot mattrass, several yards of rope, and four screw-hooks, which, +the moment I enter the cabin, I proceed with a large gimlet to fasten +to the ceiling, and, before the Steward or passengers have had time +to protest, I have rigged myself up a capital swinging bed in the very +centre of the vessel. To jump in, occupy it, and keep officials at +bay with an umbrella, only needs a little nerve and practice, and when +once fairly out of port, specially if it be rough, one is not very +easily dislodged. In the course of thirteen passages, I have only been +overturned eleven times, in nine of which I was cut down by order of +the Captain; and though on several occasions, through clinging to the +swinging-lamp, I brought it down in the struggle, and had to pay for +the damage, I can confidently recommend any one who has a horror of +the Channel crossing, and does not mind a brisk physical encounter +with three Stewards, the First Mate, and half the crew of one of the +Folkestone and Boulogne boats, to follow my example. + + I am, Sir, your obedient servant, + ABAFT THE FUNNEL. + +SIR,--"ONE WHO HASN'T YET DONE IT," wants to know how, travelling with +only one ticket, he can secure an entire third-class compartment for +the whole journey to himself. I will tell him. Let him install himself +in his quarters taking with him five full life-sized lay-figures +dressed in old great-coats with hats pulled down over their ears and +eyes, and let him arrange these picturesquely about the carriage in +attitudes indicative of the suffering of much internal torture. Then +let him stand at the window with a genial and good-humoured expression +on his face, and pointing over his shoulder to the scene behind him, +explain briefly to any passengers who are thinking of entering, that +he is travelling with "five aged uncles in the last stage of delirium +from a contagious and infectious fever," and he will find they will +instantly desist from their efforts and hurry to another portion of +the train. To carry out this little _ruse_ successfully it may be +sometimes necessary to wink at the ticket-collector and give him +threepence, but this does not follow as a matter of course. The plan +will be found to work excellently on comparatively short excursions +to the sea-side, during which people sent in search of health are +necessarily anxious to avoid anything approaching to the risk of +contagion. For longer distances, such as a journey to the North for +instance, there is nothing like travelling with an Indian Chief, and +if possible, with a hyaena. The appearance of the former in gleaming +paint and feathers brandishing a tomahawk and uttering wild war-whoops +at every station, will be sure to prevent the intrusion of women with +babies, while even a country farmer, on seeing the hyaena emerge from +under the seat, and on your remarking smilingly, "He isn't muzzled, +but I don't think he'll bite," will be likely to select some other +compartment. I have travelled from King's Cross to Inverness several +times under the above conditions, and except on one occasion at Perth, +where the hyaena got loose and eat thirteen half-crown +breakfasts, for which I had to pay, and on one other at Edinburgh, +when the Indian Chief scalped a ticket-collector by mistake, I have +never met with any sort of _contretemps_, but enjoyed the journey in +comfort, and kept the carriage the whole way entirely to myself. At +this season of the year when so many who are off "for the grouse," +think twice before putting their hands into their pockets for the +exorbitant fare of a journey first-class, my method of securing all +its comfort at half the cost, may possibly find some votaries willing +to profit by my experience. Such as it is, it is thus freely placed at +their disposal. + + By yours inventively, + THERE AND BACK. + +SIR,--Your Correspondent, a "STIFLED INVALID," wants to know how, in +these days of ill-drained and ill-ventilated lodgings, he can secure +a breath of fresh sea-air without the risk of being prostrated by a +local fever, or poisoned by sewer gas. His course is simple enough. He +has only to do as I have done. Let him get a furniture-van (if he is a +married man with a family, he will want more--I have five), and hire +a traction-engine to drag him to some well-known watering-place, and +deposit him on the Pier. I have tried the experiment, as yet, +with every prospect of success. Here am I, with my five vans, well +installed at the end of the Pier of a well-known fashionable health +resort, the band playing twice a day, with the fresh air blowing all +about me, and the sea surrounding me on every side. We managed to get +on when the man who takes the tickets was away having his dinner. The +situation is quite delightful, and but for the fact that all the local +Authorities have commenced proceedings against me, and that there +was a slight riot last night during an ineffectual attempt made by +six-and-thirty cart-horses to move me on to the Marine Parade, I have +every reason to be satisfied with the result of my experiment. I am +living rent free, and, beyond the cost of a family ticket for the +Pier, which, though it is disputed by the Committee, I insist gives +me a right to have my vans on as well, have, as yet, been put to no +expense whatever. There was a report that the Local Fire Brigade had +resolved, in the event of my not moving off, to force me to do so +by "pumping" me out, but I am loth to believe this. Meantime we +are having some excellent fishing with a lawn-tennis net. The +traction-engine is to call for me in a month. Strongly recommending my +"Plan of Campaign" to a "STIFLED INVALID," I beg to subscribe myself, +your obedient servant, + + NO LAND LUBBER. + + * * * * * + +THE NOVEL-READER'S VADE MECUM. + +_Question._ I believe you are a very rapid reader of fiction? + +_Answer._ Certainly. My average rate is three and a half volumes a +day. This gives me plenty of time for meals, sleep and skipping. + +[Illustration: Through Booking, First-Class and otherwise.] + +_Q._ Do you skip a great deal? + +_A._ A very great deal. For instance, I have skipped about two-thirds +of _Isa_, by the Editor of the _North-Eastern Daily Gazette_, in +spite of it being only in a couple of volumes, and containing for an +introduction the following rather lengthy sentence:--"If the devil +were in a laughing mood, what could seem more grimly humorous to him +than the vision of a fair young spirit striving consciously after +ethereal perfection, but overweighted unconsciously by the bonds and +fetters of human infirmity and passion, and dragged at last headlong +down the abysmal descent to perdition?" "Abysmal" is good--very good. + +_Q._ Well, and what of the book itself? + +_A._ Chiefly horrors. Nightmare after a pork-chop supper I fancy. +_Nelly Jocelyn_ (_Widow_), is a welcome contrast. One of the best +things Miss JEAN MIDDLEMASS has done. The character of _Paul Cazalet_ +capitally drawn and foreign local colouring admirable. + +_Q._ What do you think of _His Own Enemy_? + +_A._ Fancy the title somehow must refer to the Author. Clerical +sketches full of unconscious humour. Two volumes but _very_ big ones. +Quite a relief to get to _A False Start_,--by HAWLEY SMART, which is +most entertaining. But in this case the name of the Author is a safe +guarantee for something worth reading. + +_Q._ What do you think of _A Modern Circe_? + +_A._ I fancy it is not quite so good as _Molly Brown_, by the same +Author. + +_Q._ What do you know of _Molly Brown_? + +_A._ Nothing--I have not read it. + +_Q._ What have you to say about _Scamp_? + +_A._ That it is by the Author of _The Silent Shadow_, which I fancy +must be the sequel of another novel called _The Garrulous Ghost_. In +the first chapter the heroine _Scamp_, (a young lady) is discovered up +a tree from which coign of vantage she throws a yellow-paper-covered +novel at the gardener's head. + +_Q._ The first chapter then must be vastly entertaining? + +_A._ Vastly. I am absolutely dying to read the chapters that follow +it, and will--some day. + +_Q._ What is _Brother or Lover_ about? _A._ I don't know--do you? + +_Q._ This is trifling! Pray describe _Out of Tune_. + +_A._ Ought to have been called _Out of Paganini_--founded upon that +distinguished fiddler's life, although (as the Author says) "it is +necessarily speculative as to its details." + +_Q._ Have you read _In the King's Service_? + +_A._ Some of it. Fancy it deals with the Peninsular War. + +_Q._ How about _Jill and Jack_? + +_A._ Book I imagine written before the title. Rather hard work to get +up the hill which ends with the last chapter. + +_Q._ What is _Hidden in my Heart_? + +_A._ Seemingly the words which finish the third volume, "It is +two years now since _Hubert_ died, and to-morrow is my second +wedding-day." + +_Q._ Is this the first novel that the Authoress has written? + +_A._ Oh dear no. She has also published _Out of Eden_, _Quite True_, +and a book which apparently refers to the late-in-life "finishing" of +an uneducated ecclesiastic called _The Vicar's Governess_. + +_Q._ Don't you think that you are rather hard upon the novelists? + +_A._ I hope not. I am sure I owe them a deep, deep debt of gratitude. + +_Q._ How so? _A._ Without them I should be a victim to insomnia. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A REMINISCENCE OF THE VERY DRY WEATHER. + +_Secretary to Water-Works._ "TUT-T-T-T. 'GETTING VERY SERIOUS, Y'KNOW! +IF THIS DROUGHT CONTINUES, I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE----" + +_Friend._ "LOOK HERE,--CAN'T YOU TURN ON SOME WHISKEY IN THE SERVICE? +MY DEAR FELLOW, IT WOULD INFALLIBLY PREVENT WASTE!"] + + * * * * * + +THE WHISTLING RELIEF. + +(_A Song for the Sleepy._) + + "Baron H. DE WORMS informed Mr. LAWSON, that the Board of + Trade had communicated with some of the Railway Companies as + to the nuisance caused to the inhabitants of the Metropolis by + the constant use of railway whistles at night, and the Board + were assured that every effort would be made to reduce the + nuisance."--_Parliamentary Report._ + +AIR--"_The Whistlin' Thief._" + + When one is tired or ill, + And fain asleep would be, + A whistle loud and shrill + Oft brings the "big, big D." + "DE WORMS," young LAWSON said, + "This whistling is a bore." + "All right," says the Baron; "don't you be afraid. + They'll whistle at night no more." + + "I've lived a long time, Baron," + Says _Punch_, "in the world, my dear, + But of a nuisance settled _at once_, + I never yet did hear. + Yet if you'll lessen nocturnal shines, + And let us sleep or think, + Your jolly good health all the commonwealth + In a bumper deep will drink." + + * * * * * + +ECCENTRIC CONDUCT OF A JOURNALIST ON THE SPREE.--The Editor of the +Berlin _Echo_ has offered a prize for the best Poem in praise of the +Mother-in-Law. This singular demand proves that the gentleman cannot +be married. + + * * * * * + +CHANGE OF NAME. + + If thus Penny Papers are freely allowed + To fling right and left their absurd imputations, + To find a new name for the quill-driving crowd + Will surely be one of our first obligations. + The Penny-a-Liner for long has been known + As a genial gusher, a fine phrase-refiner; + But now that he false and malignant has grown, + We must call him "The Penny Maligner." + + * * * * * + +THE FLY AND THE FARMERS. + + "The Hessian Fly is causing great alarm amongst the + agriculturists. Its extinction is attracting the attention of + the Faculty."--_Daily Paper._ + +[Illustration: Catching Perch with a Fly.] + + Now we number the Potato + Beetle 'mong the scares gone by; + But a cuss has found its way to + Fields of corn--the Hessian Fly. + _Unde derivatur_ "Hessian"? + Named from whence the fly had flown, + Under quite a wrong impression, + No such thing in Hesse's known. + + _Cecidomyia destructor_, + (What long names have little things!) + Comes o'er Ocean by conductor; + Straw, pestiferous, _pupae_, brings. + They turn, each, into a small gnat, + Not a blow-fly, bottle-blue; + _Cecidomyia_, _vulgo_, gall-gnat, + Galls both growths and growers too. + + So the Farmers, full of trouble, + Help imploring go about, + They are told to burn the stubble; + No way else to stamp it out. + True the _Chalcis_ is reputed, + On the Gall-gnat's grub to feed; + But, for service to be suited, + How that parasite can they breed? + + Yet there is a vermin-killer, + Like to thin the dipterous pest, + To the farmer and the miller, + Which instruction may suggest. + What may be, the question narrows, + If they doubt they can but try, + Is, if let alone, the sparrows + Might keep down the Hessian Fly. + + * * * * * + +BLESS HIS 'ART.--If there is anything in a name, the recently +suggested appointment of _Artin Effendi_ as Turkish Commissioner +at Sofia ought to mean something. Certainly the situation is one +demanding the exercise of no little diplomatic art. But the question +is, whether the proposed Commissioner has got, as ROBERT would put it, +his _art in_ the business. There's the point. + + * * * * * + +A PRETTY KETTLE OF FISH.--The Riots at Ostend. + + * * * * * + +THE SIGH OF THE SEASON. + +[Illustration: Pilled at the Club.] + + Good-bye dinner, good-bye lunch, + Good-bye turtle, good-bye punch, + Good-bye jambon soaked in cham., + Good-bye venison, cutlets lamb, + Good-bye salmon, smelts, and sole, + Good-bye HEIDSIECK'S Monopole, + Good-bye hock, sauterne, and sherry, + Good-bye all that makes me merry, + Good-bye liqueurs, _petite verre_, + Good-bye Sauce _au Vin Madere_, + Good-bye all these joys of life, + Good-bye fork, and good-bye knife, + Good-bye all I take when out, + Good-bye _then_ this twinge of gout! + + * * * * * + +WORTH NOTICE.--There is this slight difference between the +conventional Yankee and the average Home Ruler, that whilst the former +swears "by Gum," the latter swears by G. O. M. + + * * * * * + +"THE STORY OF A KISS."--(_A "Novel" Reading._)--Kiss and tell! For +shame! + + * * * * * + +INTERIORS AND EXTERIORS. No. 51. + +[Illustration: THE LATE PARLIAMENTARY HARVEST. + +(_Facsimile of Sketch by Our Out-of-Town Special._)] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM + +THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday August 22._--Peers at last face the +inevitable. As records have shown there has been for week or two no +work for them to do. Still, they have eased their tender consciences +by assembling to see HALSBURY take the Woolsack. (Always a pleasing +spectacle. Innate grace of LORD CHANCELLOR comes out in every step and +gesture.) To-night there was, as usual, nothing to do; but Noble +Lords really could not again make believe that Nation could not get +on without them. So stayed away, and for one night House of Lords +abolished. + +In Commons at hour for commencing public business barely a quorum +present. Both Front Bench and Treasury Bench vacant. GEORGE BALFOUR, +always ready to throw himself into breach, took possession of seat of +Leader of Opposition, and calmly gazed across table. Never should it +be said as long as he had seat in House that Liberals were as sheep +without a shepherd. Few Members on back benches visibly brightened up +at sight of veteran volunteer. + +Only a few questions, but unwonted difficulty in getting through them. +Some cases the questioner not present. In others Minister addressed +not yet arrived. MCARTHUR had question down pretty early in list. +SPEAKER called upon him. No response. Went on to next question. +Quarter of an hour later, all other questions run through. MCARTHUR +coming in put his question to Parliamentary Secretary for Foreign +Affairs. FERGUSSON, who had also just arrived, supposing that MCARTHUR +had put question in due course, apologised to him for not having been +in his place; whereat House laughed uproariously. Very grateful in +these times for anything that looks like joke. + +P. STANHOPE brought under notice of Home Secretary case of +enterprising parish constable in North Hunts. P.C., a supporter of Her +Majesty's Government, resented Liberal candidate presenting himself +before constituency. Determined he should not be heard. Brought down +enormous rattle; swung it about throughout candidate's speech. JOSEPH +GILLIS pricked up his ears. What a notion this would be for adaptation +to Parliamentary usage! Suppose he had rattle and swung it whilst +SAUNDERSON or JOHNSTON were speaking? Will consult SPEAKER as to how +far this would be in order. HOME SECRETARY declined to be responsible +for either parish constable or his rattle. + +_Business done._--Votes on Supply. + +_Tuesday._--Lords sat ten minutes to-night. Home to dinner, with sense +of deserving well of country. + +Commons at work again in Supply. Considered Vote for Science and Art +Department, South Kensington. CAVENDISH-BENTINCK contributed one or +two speeches of great interest. Thin attendance, and prevalent air +of lassitude. But, whilst on legs, C.-B. riveted attention. Very +indignant with neglect of Art in common life. Old Members accustomed +to Right Hon. Gentleman's little trick, of which he is sole +repository. But new Members tremble, and grow pale, as, when +denouncing any person or practice, Right Hon. Gentleman mysteriously +raises his hair till it stands on end. Once this phenomenon came +about when he denounced certain weighing-machines, which, he said, had +recently been put up at London railway stations. Tops of this machine, +he said, were supported by two columns, one supposed to be Ionic, and +the other Doric. + +"As matter of fact," said C.-B., his hair slowly uprising, "they're +neither one thing nor the other, but simply German!" + +As he spoke, fixed fiery eye on HOME SECRETARY. MATTHEWS, so +accustomed to be badgered, and feeling his perfect innocence in this +respect, shook his head. Phenomenon witnessed again when BENTINCK +discovered that picture, bought at CHRISTIE'S for 120 guineas, +subsequently sold to National Gallery for 400. Hair rose in angry +protest. + +_Business done._--Thirteen Votes passed. + +_Thursday._--Dreary wilderness of House of Commons blossomed to-night +like a rose-garden. Yesterday, and for days before, empty benches and +a fagged remnant wrestling with routine votes. To-night House crowded, +and buzz of excitement filled chamber. GLADSTONE going to move hostile +Resolution on Government proposal to proclaim Land League. Every +Member in town early in his place. Members from afar arrived post +haste. Even RANDOLPH, temporarily returns. Old Morality smiles ghastly +smile of welcome, but knees tremble as he wonders what RANDOLPH means +to do. The O'GORMAN MAHON back again, PARNELL having elected him for +Carlow County. The old boy as young as ever, and full of reminiscences +of his early Parliamentary career, which goes back immeasurable +distance. + +"Ah," he said, looking at the Mace, "there it is agin. I remimber well +the afternoon--we always sat in the afternoon thin--when CROMWELL came +down, and said, 'Take away that bauble, ye spalpeens, or I'll make it +worse for ye.' I was younger then, TOBY me bhoy, indade quite a young +man." + +Old boy's limp is, I fancy, getting better. He has suffered it for +some years now. Seems that one day towards the close of last century +BURKE flung dagger on floor of House by way of peroration. Weapon +rebounded, and struck The MAHON on the instep. If you step into the +lavatory with him, he'll show you the scar. + +"A mere thrifle, a mere thrifle, acushla! They were lively bhoys when +I was in me proime." + +GLADSTONE in fine form and excellent voice. Honoured occasion by +donning one of his biggest collars and a new necktie. Curious proof of +his persuasiveness how he gradually talked his necktie round till knot +rested under left ear. BALFOUR squealed forth his disapprobation for +upwards of an hour. Rather a pitiful spectacle, the more so by reason +of the contrast. + +"He should try to avoid immediately following GLADSTONE," said +RANDOLPH, looking down contemptuously at his former friend. + +[Illustration: C. Br-dl-gh.] + +Best speeches after first, _longo intervallo_, were BRADLAUGH'S +and ROBERTSON'S, the Scotch Solicitor-General. Conservatives quite +forgotten their old animosity to Member for Northampton. As for +Parnellites, cheer him madly as they do PARNELL. Certainly BRADLAUGH +has acquired House of Commons' manner. Speeches in good style and full +of point. + +Quite a treat to hear such speech as ROBERTSON'S from Treasury Bench. +Mem. for Markiss. Why not double his salary, and let him speak from +MATTHEWS'S brief, and, above all, from BALFOUR'S? + +_Business done._--Debate on Proclamation of National League. + +_Friday._--Amphibious old Warrior, who has been Admiral afloat, +Generalissimo ashore, and is now Member for County Carlow, reappeared +to-night, and took oath. It was a moving scene. Old veteran got up in +rather young-looking costume, light tweed, with white waistcoat, in +cut what young beau of twenty might wear. + +"Why, Colonel," said CYRIL FLOWER, a judge of these things, "you look +younger than ever in your new suit!" + +"New, bedad," says The MAHON, "why I had 'em made to go to the wedding +of WILLIAM and MARY. All Mimbers of Parliament invoited; special seats +in Abbey; and, what's more, a good luncheon at BELLAMY'S. Haven't worn +suit lately; thought it would do for this festive occasion." + +The MAHON'S advance to table to take oath a triumphal progress. +Members on both sides cheered like mad. The Colonel stopped half way, +and, facing friends and countrymen, blew them a kiss from tips of +fingers. Turning to Ministerialists, who joined in applause he +bowed gracefully. Clerks had greatest difficulty in convoying him +to SPEAKER'S Chair. Broke away from escort, and shook hands with Old +Morality. No joke when The MAHON shakes hands. Pumps away violently +for several moments, as if ship were leaking, and all depended on him. +Next got hold of BALFOUR, and avenged long woes of Ireland. At last +got at SPEAKER. Thought he'd never let go. Pumped away till the +SPEAKER had hardly breath to call "Order! order!" Finally flopped +himself down next to GLADSTONE, on Front Bench, and gave him fearful +shaking up. + +This, liveliest episode in debate. Some pretty good speaking, but +everyone sick to death of topic. + +[Illustration: Lord H-rt-ngt-n's attitude towards Mr. Gl-dst-ne.] + +A little movement of interest when HARTINGTON rose; but happiest +moment when bell rang, and Division actually at hand. Business +done.--Proclamation of Land League approved. + + * * * * * + +A SUMMER SOLILOQUY. + +_By Jaques Junior._ + + A bee, or not a bee? That is the question. + Whether 'twere better not to mind, and suffer + The stings that every summer are our portion, + Or take the trouble but to move an arm, + And, by opposing, end them. It flies--it creeps, + It creeps, perchance it stings! Then comes the rub, + When we have shuffled off our clothing. Soft, + 'Twas but a bluebottle! How sweet it is + To lie like this i' the sun, and think of nought + Save how sweet 'tis to lie, and think of nought; + And that meseems to many wordy sages + Were small refreshment in this windy time. + How many are there who do cheat themselves, + And with themselves the many, that they are + The very vaward leaders of the fray, + The lictors of the pomp of intellect. + Whereas they are the merest driven spray, + The running rabble heralding the march + Impelled by what they herald;-- + Who ever glance behind to see which way---- + Oh, my prophetick soul! my Aunt ELIZA! + + [_He is stung_! + + * * * * * + +IRISH NET PROFIT. + +In connection with the establishment, thanks chiefly to the +munificence of Lady BURDETT-COUTTS and the Duke of NORFOLK, at +Baltimore (Cork) of a New Industrial Fishery School to the end of +teaching the fishermen there how to make the most of their hauls, +the _Times_, as one example of the need of that instruction for those +toilers of the Sea, very justly observes that "their ignorance of the +art of curing fish causes them endless loss." The hap of Kill or Cure +may be hazarded by physicians, but the practice of fishermen should +be to kill and cure too--kill first and cure afterwards. Sure, no +Irishman can fail to see the force of that. An Irish peasant sometimes +when his pig is poorly, kills the animal, as he says, to save its +life, whereby, of course, he means, to save his bacon. Fishermen +should be up to curing all fish that are curable--except--they are not +bootmakers--the cure of soles! + +[Illustration: "Putting the Carte before the Hoarse."] + + * * * * * + +--> NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + * * * * * + + + + +Transcriber's Note: + +Missing and illegible/damaged punctuation has been repaired. + +Page 100: 'delighful' corrected to 'delightful'. [Miss LOUISA +METTERBRUN said something delightful to him the other day at dinner.] + +Page 105: repeated 'if' corrected to 'it'. [...specially if it be rough,] + +Page 105: eat [sic] ...where the hyaena got loose and eat thirteen +half-crown breakfasts... + +...As it was a letter from a reader, 'eat' may have been his +manner of speech; therefore, I have left it as such. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. +93, September 3, 1887, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 29679.txt or 29679.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/9/6/7/29679/ + +Produced by Lesley Halamek, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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