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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 93,
+September 3, 1887, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 93, September 3, 1887
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: August 12, 2009 [EBook #29679]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Lesley Halamek, Malcolm Farmer and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOLUME 93, SEPTEMBER 3rd 1887
+
+_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SOME NOTES AT STARMOUTH.
+
+3 P.M.--Arrive at Starmouth--the retired Watering-place at which I
+propose to write the Nautical Drama that is to render me famous and
+wealthy. Leave luggage at Station, and go in search of lodgings. Hotel
+out of the question--_table d'hote_ quite fatal to inspiration. On the
+Esplanade, noting likely places with critical eye. Perhaps I _am_ a
+little fastidious. What I should _really_ like is a little cottage;
+two bow-windows, clematis on porch, flagstaff, and cannon (if it
+wouldn't go off) in front. I could achieve immortality in a place like
+that. Sea-view, of course, _indispensable_. Must be within sight of
+the ever-changing ocean, within hearing of "the innumerable laughter
+of the waves"--I know what the phrase _means_, though I shouldn't like
+to have to explain it, and the waves just now are absolutely roaring.
+
+[Illustration: Down by the Sea.]
+
+3.15.--Still noting; plenty of time, and Starmouth "all before me
+where to choose." More than a mile of Esplanade, and several brass
+plates and cards advertising "Apartments." Must be cautious--not throw
+the handkerchief in a hurry. Haven't seen the ideal place _yet_.
+
+3.30.--Better make a beginning. Try "Blenheim House" (all the houses
+here either bear ducal, naval, or frankly plebeian names, I observe).
+Ring: startling effect--grey-mouldy old person, with skeleton hands
+folded on woollen tippet, glides in a ghastly manner down passage.
+They really ought to put up a warning to people with nerves, as M. VAN
+BEERS does at his _Salon Parisien_. Feel as if I had raised a ghost.
+Wonder if she waits on lodgers--if so, my dinners will be rather like
+the banquet GULLIVER had at Laputa. "Has she rooms to let at once?"
+"No?" "_Oh!_" Well out of _that!_
+
+3.45.--Warming to my work. Ring at door in "Amelia Terrace." Maid
+appears--nice-looking girl, rather. "Have you"--I begin--when I see a
+boy at the ground-floor window. Don't object to boys, as a class, but
+this particular boy is pallid, with something round his throat, and an
+indescribable air about him of conscious deadliness, and pride in the
+unusual terror he inspires, which can only be accounted for by
+recent Measles. Never under the same roof with _that_ boy! He eyes me
+balefully, and I stare back, fascinated. "Have you," I begin
+again--(I am full of resource, thank goodness!) "a Mrs. WALKER--(first
+appropriate name that occurs to me)--staying here?" By a horrible
+coincidence, they _have_! She has taken the ground-floor--where that
+boy is! Awkward--very.... I manage to gasp out, "Then will you
+please mention that I called?" and retire before she can ask my name.
+Presence of mind, again!
+
+4 P.M.--Still seeking. Not so fastidious as I _was_. Have given up
+the cottage, and clematis, and flagstaff. Only place answering that
+description belongs--or so I inferred, from his language--to a retired
+sea-captain, whom I disturbed in his nap to inquire whether he let
+lodgings. As it happened, he _didn't_. Then (as I very nearly went
+back and told him) what right had he to sport a brass plate? However,
+I got some good racy dialogue for the Nautical Drama out of him.
+
+4.15.--More failures. Starmouth busy digesting, which it does publicly
+in bow-windows. I must _not_ be so particular. I will do without
+balconies--even bow-windows--but I cannot, I will not, sit on
+horsehair furniture.
+
+4.20.--After all, so long as I get a sea-view, what matters? I can be
+nautical and dramatic on _any_ kind of chair. And "Collingwood House,"
+too--what a name for me! I will go in. Rejected again--nothing till
+Thursday fortnight! I am beginning to feel like an unpopular man at
+a dance. I regard the people wallowing at the windows with a growing
+hate; they are the elect--but that is no reason why they should parade
+it in that ostentatious way--bad taste!... Can't get any rooms along
+these terraces--I subdue my pride, and try a back-street.
+
+4.30.--Nature too strong for me--I _must_ face the sea. Surely there
+must be _some_ cards I have overlooked!... Thought so! staring me in
+the face all the time! Ring--ghost effect again--same old grey lady!
+She asks me, in hollow tones, what I want. I ask her whether I left my
+umbrella here (full of resource!) "No!" "Oh!" Back-street again after
+that.
+
+4.40.--Even the back-streets will have none of me! I grow morbid.
+Remember words of song, entreating vague somethings (perhaps stars)
+"to smile on their vagabond boy"--no one smiles on me. And _I_ to have
+vapoured about "throwing the handkerchief." Fool--fool!... They are
+more sympathetic in the back-streets, though. "Starmouth is very
+full!" They say, complacently, "they don't know if there's any place I
+_could_ get into, not to say at once--they really _don't_!"
+
+5 P.M.--Back on the Esplanade again. Why, I certainly haven't been
+_here_ before. Ring. While I am waiting for some one to appear, face
+rises at window--_the measly boy!_ Confound these terrace-houses, all
+alike! This time I _don't_ wait--I bolt. They will think I am a clown
+out for a holiday, but I can't help that.
+
+5.15.--No, I must draw the line somewhere. At "Hatfield House," (good
+address this) landlady appears with eruptive face, powdered--effect
+not entirely happy--but I waive that. She has rooms--but the
+sitting-room is out at the end of a yard, and I am to get to my bed
+room through the kitchen! Can't write an epoch-making drama under
+those conditions.
+
+5.30.--I am growing humbler--I would almost take a coal-cellar
+now. Think I will go back to Hatfield and recant.... I have. "Very
+sorry--this moment let".... "Oh!"
+
+5.35.--_At last!_ May choicest blessings light upon the head of
+PLAPPER!--or rather of Mrs. PLAPPER, as her husband is out. She has
+taken me in! Charming rooms--not actually facing the sea, but with
+capital view of it round corner from bow-window. PLAPPER is an
+optician--wonder whether it is weak eyes, or wifely duty, that
+makes Mrs. P. wear blue spectacles? Everything arranged--terms most
+reasonable--now to recover luggage. Stop; better ask address--or I
+might never be able to find my optician again--like _Mrs. Barrett
+Browning_ and her lost Bower! "You've only got to use PLAPPER'S name,
+Sir, anywhere, and it will be all right," says Mrs. P. with natural
+pride. Very convenient. For instance: _Stern Constable_ (to me).
+"Can't come in here, Sir." _Myself._ "Can't I, though? _PLAPPER!_" And
+in I go! Or I am in a scrape of some sort: "Have you anything to say?"
+asks the Inspector. I whisper in his ear, "PLAPPER!" And they grovel
+and release me.
+
+5.45.--Odd--but now I find myself wondering ungratefully, whether
+I mightn't have done better than PLAPPER, after all. This is human
+nature, I suppose--but discreditable. I _am_ overjoyed--really. I no
+longer hate people. _I_ too am an initiate! But I can pity poor devils
+who are houseless, I hope.... I order sundry things: "Send them in
+to PLAPPER'S." Luggage regained and sent back--to PLAPPER'S. I feel
+self-respect once more.
+
+6 P.M.--Returning to PLAPPER'S. And in this secure retreat my Nautical
+drama is destined to see the light--if PLAPPER only knew! I feel an
+affection already for this humble temporary home. Mrs. P. meets me at
+the door. "So sorry, Sir--but _you can't have the rooms, after all_!
+PLAPPER had let 'em quite unbeknown to me!"
+
+And this is Saturday! _I am under a curse!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BALLET.
+
+_Lament by the Rev. S. D. Headlam._
+
+  What was it first my fancy fed,
+  My steps to the Alhambra led,
+  And finally quite turned my head?
+            The Ballet!
+
+  What, when I studied it apart,
+  Struck me with force that made me start,
+  As being a noble form of Art?
+            The Ballet!
+
+  And what, when seen night after night,
+  Inspired me with supreme delight,
+  And made me to the _Pall-Mall_ write?
+            The Ballet!
+
+  But what, when kindled with its fire,
+  I hoped my Bishop to inspire,
+  Alas! excited but his ire?
+            The Ballet!
+
+  And what, although the orthodox
+  Two places in an upper box
+  I offered him,--but gave him shocks?
+            The Ballet!
+
+  Ah! what, though every nerve I've strained
+  To see the dancers' battle gained,
+  Leaves me episcopally chained?
+            The Ballet!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LAST FRUITS OF THE SESSION.--Pairs.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: VENICE UNPRESERVED.]
+
+"The modern Venetian takes pleasure not only in neglecting but in
+persecuting the palace and the gondola.... As to the gondola, the mass
+of Venetians possess none, and rarely go in them.... They forget that
+the much-desired foreigner does not come to Venice to read signboards
+from a steamboat up and down the Grand Canal; and, by handing over
+this magnificent waterway to a company of foreign speculators, they
+have well-nigh reduced the ancient body of gondoliers to beggary. The
+steamers are numerous and noisy.... If one contrasts the passengers of
+these rival craft, the gondola and the _vaporetto_, one asks which,
+as a body, most contribute to the prosperity of Venice, and so
+merits most consideration.... The penny steamer and the gondola are
+irreconcileable, and cannot exist long together, for the simple reason
+that the gondoliers cannot earn a support, and must take to other
+avocations."
+
+  "EXSUL'S" _Letter to the Times on "The Venice of To-day."_
+
+_Shade of_ CHILDE HAROLD _sings_:--
+
+    Yes, this is Venice; yon's the Bridge of Sighs;
+    The palace and the prison, still they stand:
+    But 'midst the maze foul funnel fumes arise.
+    As by the touch of an enchanter's hand,
+    A hundred such their smoky wings expand,
+    Around me, and a dying glory smiles
+    On what was once the poet's, artist's land,
+    Soot smears the winged Lion's marble piles,
+  And Venice reeks like Hull, throned on her hundred isles.
+
+    She looks a swart sea Cyclops, from the ocean,
+    Rising with smutted walls and blackened towers;
+    The _vaporetto_, with erratic motion,
+    Muddies the waters with its carbon-showers.
+    And such she is! Progress's dismal dowers
+    Have spoilt the picture; now the eye may feast
+    On garish signs and posters. Gracious powers!
+    Sewing-machines and hair-washes at least
+  Might spare the Grand Canal. Trade is an ogre-ish beast!
+
+    In Venice Vulcan's echoes hiss and roar,
+    And idle sits the hapless Gondolier.
+    His Gondola is crumbling on the shore,
+    The Penny Steamer's whistle racks his ear.
+    'ARRY exults--but Beauty is not here;
+    Trade swells, Arts grow--but Nature seems to die.
+    Hucksters may boast that Venice is less "dear,"
+    "_Progresso!_" is the Press, the Public cry;
+  But, by great RUSKIN'S self, the thing is all my eye.
+
+    For unto us she had a spell beyond
+    Cheap dinners and Advertisement's array
+    Of polychrome, of which Trade seems so fond.
+    Alas! the Dogeless city's silent sway
+    Will lessen momently, and fade away,
+    When the Rialto echoes to the roar
+    Of _vaporetti_, and in sad decay
+    The Gondola, its swan-like flittings o'er,
+  Neglected rots upon the solitary shore.
+
+    Such is the Venice of my youth and age,
+    Its spell a void, its charm a vacancy.
+    Rosy Romance, thou owest many a page,
+    Ay, many that erst grew beneath _mine_ eye,
+    To what was once the loved reality
+    Of this true fairy-land; but I refuse
+    To deck with Art's fantastic wizardry
+    A haunt of Trade. Mine is not Mammon's Muse,
+  _She_ will not sing for hire of Soaps, or Silks, or Shoes.
+
+    I know that there are such,--but let them go,--
+    They came like ghouls, they'll disappear like dreams.
+    But oh! my Venice, dare they treat thee so?
+    I fain would flay the Vandal horde; still teems
+    My mind with memories of thy towers and streams,--
+    All that I sought for in thy midst, and found.
+    Must these too go? The ogre Progress deems
+    Such fair and flattering phantasies unsound;
+  Now other voices speak, and other sights surround.
+
+    "The spouseless Adriatic mourns her lord,"
+    Ay, and yet worse, Venetian souls grow rude.
+    The Gondola lies rotting unrestored,
+    The Gondolier unhired must lounge and brood,
+    Or stoop to "stoking" for his daily food,
+    On board a puffing fiend that by "horse pow'r"
+    Measures its might. Oh! base ingratitude!
+    Dogs! ye one day shall howl for the lost hour,
+  When Venice was a Queen, with loveliness for dower.
+
+    Gondolas ruled, and now the Steam Launch reigns,
+    A stoker shovels where a lover knelt.
+    This thing of steam and smoke that stinks and stains,
+    Might suit the tainted Thames, the sluggish Scheldt;
+    But the Canal, which for long years hath felt
+    The sunshine of Romance--that downward go?
+    This is the deadliest blow that Trade hath dealt;
+    Enough to bring back blind old DANDOLO,
+  To fight his country's latest most debasing foe.
+
+    Before St. Mark still glow his steeds of brass,
+    But garish signboards glitter in the sun;
+    And up and down the watery alleys pass
+    The snorting steamers. Venice lost and won,
+    Her thirteen hundred years of beauty done,
+    Sinks to an Isle of Dogs. Let her life close!
+    Better be whelmed beneath the waves, and shun
+    Ev'n in destruction's depths her Vandal foes,
+  Than live a thrall to Trade, a scourge to eyes and nose.
+
+    Dreams of Romance--all shattered! They revile
+    Our "Ruskinismo," do these souls of dust,
+    Who care not for their sumptuous marble pile,
+    Oh, sons unworthy of their splendid trust!
+    With his oar broken, and his dry keel thrust,
+    Unused ashore, the Gondolier recalls
+    Gay days and nights of glory, such as must
+    Too oft remind him _who_ his land enthrals,
+  And flings a sordid cloud o'er Venice' shining walls.
+
+    How can the Childe's poetic shade refuse
+    To plead his cause, on his base foe make war?
+    Perchance redemption from a phantom Muse,
+    Whose voice now faintly echoes from afar,
+    May come, and check his sordid conqueror's car,
+    E'en in its roll of victory, snatch the reins,
+    From Greed's foul hands and further havoc bar,
+    Say, _shall_ the Penny Steamer's petty gains,
+  Banish the Gondolier, and hush his cheery strains?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TENDER PASSAGES.
+
+_He_ (_tenderly_). "YES; WHEN IT'S DONE AGAIN, YOU MUST REALLY SEE THE
+BLONDIN DONKEY!"
+
+_She_ (_sincerely_). "I WILL. I'LL LOOK OUT FOR IT, AND, WHEN I DO SEE
+IT, I WILL THINK OF _YOU_!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VIRTUES OF OMISSION.
+
+PEOPLE--Mr. IMPREY, Mr. GEORGE SMITH (of Coalville), and others--are
+actually to be found contending for the barren honour of having
+invented that terrible nuisance of a catch-phrase, "Three Acres and a
+Cow!" Strange and morbid perversion of ambition! As well fight for
+the deep discredit of having been the first to hit upon such kindred
+controversial horrors as the boring and question-begging "gags" of
+"Law and Order," "Patriot first, and Party-man afterwards," "Hand over
+to the tender mercies, &c.," "Disintegration of the Empire," or even
+that most hackneyed of political phrases, "Grand Old Man" itself. Now,
+if any one took credit to himself for never, never having uttered
+the "Acre and Cow" Shibboleth, or made use of any others of these
+soul-sickening bits of polemical claptrap, _Mr. Punch could_ understand,
+and admire, and envy. There be things that _everybody_--possessed of
+sense and sobriety--would "rather not have said."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WAY OF THE WIND.
+
+_By an anxious Unionist._
+
+[Mr. T. W. RUSSELL has formally withdrawn from the Unionist Party.]
+
+  Ah! sorely tossed is our poor "Union" bark,
+    We shall not get to port without a tussle.
+  They say the wind will change against us. Hark!
+    That wind seems rising; I can hear its RUSSELL.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A FIGHT FOR THE FORTY.--Sir EDWARD HAMLEY is, admittedly, one of the
+greatest strategists the British Army possesses. Although in the prime
+of life, this gallant officer will be "automatically retired," unless
+he receives a military appointment before the end of October. It has
+been suggested that he should be employed to work out a scheme for the
+protection of London. This will be far easier work for him to do than
+to have to frame a defence of the Government that has so long, and so
+strangely, and (some say) so maliciously overlooked him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CON: FOR THE CONSIDERATE.--Why is Happiness like an Act of Parliament?
+Because you can never tell its value until it is passed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ALL IN PLAY.
+
+  DEAR MR. PUNCH,
+
+[Illustration]
+
+This year has been a great one for America in London. The Exhibition
+in West Kensington, with its Wild West Show, has attracted its
+thousands, and at this moment two dramas (both from the United States)
+are very popular in the Strand and Oxford Street. A few nights ago,
+anxious to save you the trouble of filling a stall with your customary
+urbanity and critical acumen (to say nothing of your august person and
+opera-glasses), I visited the Princess's, to assist at a performance
+of _The Shadows of a Great City_. It was really a most amusing piece,
+written by JEFFERSON, the _Rip Van Winkle_ of our youth, who you will
+remember was wont in years gone by to drink to the health of ourselves
+and our wives and our families at the Adelphi. The _City_ was New
+York, and the most substantial of the _Shadows_, Mr. J. H. BARNES, a
+gentleman who might be aptly described as one of the "heaviest" of our
+light comedians. He played a fine-hearted sailor with an earnestness
+of purpose that carried all before it. I cannot conscientiously say
+that he gave me the idea that he was exactly fitted to take command of
+the Channel Fleet, but after seeing him I retained the impression that
+he would have felt entirely at home on the quarter-deck of a Thames
+Steamboat. Mr. HARRY NICHOLLS, who has so often assisted to make the
+fortune (as a jocular scoundrel) of a Drury Lane melodrama, was also
+in the cast, and so was Miss CICELY RICHARDS, _the Belinda_ of _Our
+Boys_. Then there was Miss MARY RORKE, a most sympathetic heroine, and
+several other excellent performers, whose names, however, were less
+familiar to me.
+
+The play, admirably mounted with capital scenery, recalled a number of
+pleasant memories. Here was a suggestion of _The Ticket of Leave Man_,
+there a notion from _The Colleen Bawn_, and yonder ideas from _The
+Long Strike_ and _Arrah-na-Pogue_. There is nothing new under the
+sun, and _The Shadows of a Great City_ is no exception to the rule.
+However, it is a thoroughly exciting play, full of murder and mirth,
+wrong-doing and waggery, startling incidents, and side-splitting
+comicalities. It was certainly greatly enjoyed, when I saw it, by
+the audience, who cheered Mr. BARNES and Miss RORKE to the echo, and
+hissed all their enemies to their heart's content, as a reward for the
+most effectively-simulated villany.
+
+Very soon all the Theatres will be busy with the Autumn-cum-Winter
+Season. The first on the List is Drury Lane, which, reserving PAYNE
+for the Pantomime at Christmas, opens in September with _Pleasure_.
+
+  Always yours sincerely,
+  ONE WHO HAS GONE TO PIECES.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SALUBRITIES ABROAD.
+
+_Still at Royat. Hotel Continental.--A propos_ of PULLER "airing
+his French" Miss LOUISA METTERBRUN said something delighful to him
+the other day at dinner. PULLER had been instructing us all in some
+French idioms until Madame METTERBRUN set him right in his
+pronunciation. He owned that he had made a slip. "But," says he,
+wagging his head and pulling up his wristbands with the air of a
+man thoroughly well satisfied with himself generally, "but I think
+you'll allow that I can speak French better than most Englishmen,
+eh?"
+
+Madame METTERBRUN doesn't exactly know what to say, but Miss LOUISA
+comes to the rescue. "O Mr. PULLER"--he is frequently at their house
+in London, and they know him intimately--"I always say to Mamma, when
+we're abroad, that I do like to hear you talk French"--PULLER
+smirks and thinks to himself that this is a girl of sense and rare
+appreciation--"because," she goes on quietly, and all at table are
+listening, "because your speaking French reminds me so of home." Her
+home is London. I think PULLER won't ask Miss LOUISA for an opinion on
+his French accent again in a hurry.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I have just been reading VICTOR HUGO'S _Choses Vues_. Admirable!
+_Fuite de Louis Philippe!_ What a pitiful story. Then his account,
+marvellously told, and the whole point of the narrative given in two
+lines, of what became of the brain of TALLEYRAND. Graphically written
+is his visit to THIERS on behalf of ROCHEFORT. Says THIERS to him,
+"_Cent journaux me trainent tous les matins dans la boue. Mais
+savez-vous mon procede? Je ne les lis pas._" To which HUGO rejoined,
+"_C'est precisement ce que je fais. Lire les diatribes, c'est respirer
+les latrines de sa renommee._" Most public men, certainly most
+authors, artists, and actors, would do well to remember this advice,
+and act upon it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"_Choses Vues_," written "_Shows Vues_" would be a good heading for an
+all-round-about theatrical and entertainment article in _Mr. Punch's_
+pages. Patent this.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PULLER has recovered his high spirits. The temperature has changed:
+the waters are agreeing with him. So is the dinner hour, which M.
+HALL, our landlord, kindly permits us to have at the exceptional
+and un-Royat-like hour of 7.30. At dinner he is convivial. Madame
+METTERBRUN and her two daughters are discussing music. Cousin JANE
+is deeply interested in listening to Madame METTERBRUN on WAGNER. The
+young Ladies are thorough Wagnerites. La Contessa is unable to get
+a word in about SHAKSPEARE and SALVINI, and her daughter, who,
+in a quiet tone and with a most deliberate manner, announces herself
+as belonging to the "Take-everything-easy Society," is not at this
+particular moment interested in anything except the _menu_, which she
+is lazily scrutinising through her long-handled _pince-nez_.
+
+Mrs. DINDERLIN, having succumbed to the usual first attack of Royat
+depression, is leaning back in her chair, smelling salts and nodding
+assent to the Wagnerite theories, with which she entirely agrees.
+For my own part, I am neutral; but as the METTERBRUNS are thorough
+musicians,--the mother being a magnificent pianist, and the eldest
+daughter a composer,--I am really interested in hearing all they have
+to say on the subject. Our bias is, temporarily, decidedly Wagnerian,
+for Cousin JANE, who is really in favour of "tune," and plenty of
+it,--being specially fond of BELLINI and DONIZETTI,--in scientific
+musical society has not the courage of her opinions.
+
+From composers the conversation travels to executants, and we name the
+favourite singers. After we have pretty well exhausted the list, and
+objected to this one as having a head voice, or to that as using the
+_vibrato_, or to the other as dwelling on an upper note ("queer sort
+of existence," says PULLER, gradually coming up, as it were to the
+surface to open his mouth for breath,--whereat Cousin JANE smiles, and
+Miss CASANOVA lazily nods approbation of the joke--while the rest of
+us ignore PULLER, putting him aside as not wanted just now,--when
+down he goes again), we generally agree that GAYARRE is about the
+best tenor we have had in London for some time; that SANTLEY is still
+unequalled as a baritone; that there is no one now to play and sing
+_Mephistopheles_ like FAURE; that M. MAUREL is about the finest
+representative of _Don Giovanni_; that Miss ARNOLDSON shows great
+promise; that ALBANY is unrivalled; that MARIE ROZE is difficult to
+beat as _Carmen_; and that it is a pity that PATTI'S demands are so
+exorbitant; and having exhausted the list of operatic artists,--Madame
+and her daughters holding that certain Germans, with whose names we,
+unfortunately for us, are not even acquainted, are far superior to any
+French or Italian singers that can be named--there ensues a pause in
+the conversation, of which the Countess CASANOVA takes advantage,
+and extending her right hand, which movement sharply jingles her
+bracelets, and so, as it were, sounds a bell to call us to attention,
+cuts in quickly with an emphatic, "Well, I don't profess to understand
+music as _you_ do. I know what I like"--("Hear! hear!" _sotto voce_
+from PULLER, coming up again to the surface, which draws a languidly
+approving inclination of the head from Miss CASANOVA, and a smile,
+deprecating the interruption, from Cousin JANE),--"and I must say,"
+continues the Countess, emphatically, "I would rather have one hour
+of SALVINI in _Othello_, than a whole month of the best Operas by
+the best composers,--WAGNER included," and down comes her hand on the
+table, all the bracelets ringing down the curtain on the first act.
+
+We, the non-combatants, feel that the mailed gauntlet has been thrown
+down by the Countess as a challenge to the METTERBRUNS.
+
+"O Mother!" faintly remonstrates Miss CASANOVA, who loves a stall at
+the Opera. She fears that her mother's energetic declaration means
+war, and fans herself helplessly.
+
+I am preparing to reconcile music and the drama, and am getting ready
+a supply of oil for what I foresee will be troubled waters, as the
+METTERBRUNS are beginning to rustle their feathers and flap their
+wings,--when PULLER, leaning well forward, and stretching out an
+explanatory hand, with his elbow planted firmly on the table, ("Very
+bad manners," says Cousin JANE afterwards to me) says genially, "Well,
+_voyez vous_, look here, you may talk of your WAGNERS and SHAKSPEARES,
+and GAYARRES, and PATTIS, but, for singing and acting, give me ARTHUR
+ROBERTS. Yes," he repeats pleasantly but defiantly, and taking up,
+as it were, the Countess's gauntlet, "SALVINI'S not in it with ARTHUR
+ROBERTS."
+
+The Countess's fan spreads out and works furiously. The steam is
+getting up. The METTERBRUNS open their eyes, and regard one another in
+consternation. They don't know who ARTHUR ROBERTS is.
+
+"Not know!" exclaims PULLER, quite in his element. "Well, when you
+come to London, you send to me, and I'll take you to hear him."
+
+"He's a Music-Hall singer," says the Countess, fanning herself with an
+air of contemptuous indifference.
+
+"Music-Hall Ar-_tiste_!" returns PULLER, emphasising the second
+syllable, which to his mind expresses a great deal, and makes all the
+difference. "Now, Miladi," he goes on, imitating the manner of one
+of his own favourite counsel, engaged by PULLER & CO., conducting a
+cross-examination, "Have you ever seen him?"
+
+"Yes," she replies, shrugging her shoulders, "once. And," she adds,
+making the bracelets jingle again, as with a tragedy queen's action of
+the right arm she sweeps away into space whole realms of Music Halls
+and comic singers, "that was quite enough."
+
+"Didn't he make you laugh?" continues PULLER, still in the character
+of a stern cross-examiner.
+
+"Laugh!" almost shrieks the Countess, extending her hands so suddenly
+that I have only time to throw myself back to avoid a sharp tap on
+the head from her fan. "Heavens! not a bit! not the least bit in the
+world! He made me sad! I saw the people in the stalls laughing, and I
+said,"--here she appeals with both hands to the majority of sensible
+people at large--still at large--"'Am I stupid? am I dull? Do I not
+understand?'"
+
+"O Mother!" expostulates her daughter, in her most languid manner, "he
+_was_ funny!"
+
+"Funny!" ejaculates the Countess, tossing her head.
+
+"I'd rather see ARTHUR ROBERTS than SALVINI," says PULLER, waggishly,
+but with conviction.
+
+"I think I would, for choice," says Miss CASANOVA, meditatively, but
+seeing the Countess's horrified expression of countenance, she takes
+care to add more languidly than ever, as if taking the smallest part
+in an argument were really too exhausting, "but then, you know, I
+really don't understand tragedy, and I love a laugh."
+
+"Prefers ARTHUR ROBERTS to SALVINI!" exclaims the Countess, and throws
+up her hands and eyes to the ceiling as if imploring Heaven not to
+visit on her the awful heresy of her child.
+
+Here I interpose. SALVINI, I say, is a great _Artiste_, no doubt of
+it, a marvellous Tragedian; and ARTHUR ROBERTS is not, in the true
+dramatic sense of the word, a genuine Comedian; but he is, in another
+sense a true Comedian, though of the Music-Hall school.
+
+"What a school!" murmurs the Countess, and with a pained expression of
+countenance as though she were suffering agonies.
+
+The METTERBRUNS see the difference. Madame remembers a fat comic man
+in Berlin, at some garden, who used to wear a big hat and carry
+a large pipe, and make her laugh very much when she was a girl.
+Certainly, in his way, he was an artist. Is this ARTHUR ROBERTS
+anything like MAX SPLUeTTERWESSEL? At this point, as we have finished
+coffee, and the Countess finds the room hot, I propose adjourning the
+debate to the Restaurant in the garden, as we are too late for the
+band at the Casino Samie.
+
+The party is broken up in order to walk down to our rendezvous.
+
+PULLER, whose idea of making things pleasant, and, as he expresses it,
+"sweetening everyone all round," is to order "drinks" for everybody,
+insists upon the party taking "_consommations_"--he loves saying this
+word--at his expense. The Countess at first objects, as also does
+Madame METTERBRUN; but, on PULLER'S explaining that he belongs to
+"The Two-with-you Society," they accept this explanation as utterly
+unintelligible but perfectly satisfactory; and so, accepting PULLER'S
+_al fresco_ hospitality, we form a cheerful group round two tables
+put together for our accommodation. PULLER'S hospitality has taken the
+form of grenadines, chartreuses, and "sherry-gobblers,"--he loves this
+word too,--for us all round, and he has ordered for himself a strange
+mixture, which perfumes the night air as if some nauseous draught
+had been brought out of a chemist's shop, and which looks like green
+stagnant water in a big glass. It is called by PULLER, with great
+glee, an "Absinthe gummy."
+
+Anything nastier to look at or to smell I am not acquainted with in
+the way of drinks. However, he is our host, and I have a grenadine
+before me of his ordering, and between my lips an excellent cigar
+which is his gift. I can only say mildly, "It looks nasty;" and Cousin
+JANE expresses herself to the same effect, remarking also as she looks
+significantly towards me, that it is late, and that I am not keeping
+Royat hours. I promise to come away in ten minutes. PULLER is in the
+highest possible spirits: surrounded by this company, all drinking his
+drinks, he as it were takes the chair and presides. He knocks on the
+table, which brings the waiter, to whom he says, holding up a couple
+of fingers "Two with you,"--whereat the waiter only smiles upon the
+eccentric Englishman, shakes his head, and wisely retires.
+
+"Ah, Miladi," says PULLER, "you must take a course of ROBERTS. He's a
+rum 'un." Then he sings, "He's all right when you know him, but you've
+got to hear him _fust_."
+
+His guests politely smile, all except the Countess. I preserve a
+discreet silence. Taking this on the whole for encouragement, PULLER
+commences the song from which he has already quoted the chorus. What
+the words are I do not catch, but as PULLER reproduces to the life the
+style and manner of a London Music-Hall singer, and cocks his hat on
+one side, it is no wonder that the French people at the other table
+turn towards us in amazement.
+
+"For goodness sake, MR. PULLER!" cries the Countess, rising from her
+chair in consternation. JANE also rises, Miss CASANOVA is laughing
+nervously. The METTERBRUNS look utterly astonished. I feel I must stop
+this at once.
+
+"My dear fellow," I say, magisterially, "you really mustn't do
+this sort of thing"--he is breaking out again with "_O what a
+surprise!_"--but I get up from my seat to reprove him gravely. "You
+would not do this if you were in a London Restaurant."
+
+"No," he replies, not in the least offended--"that's the lark of it.
+I belong to 'The Out-for-a-lark-and-Two-with-you Society.' Don't you
+mind me," he adds; then turning with a pleasant wink to the ladies,
+who have been putting on their wraps and mantles, and are preparing to
+leave, he sings again,--
+
+  "I'm all right when you know me--
+  But----"
+
+We leave him to finish the song by himself.
+
+And to think that my friend PULLER, with his hat cocked on one side,
+a big cigar in his mouth, a tumbler of "absinthe gummy" before him, a
+rakish expression in his eye, is the same PULLER to whom, as partner
+in the firm of HORLER, PULLER, PULLER (J), BAKER AND DAYVILLE,
+Solicitors, I would trust my dearest interests in any matter of
+property, of character, even of life itself! The strange story of
+_Hyde_ and _Jekyll_ is no fiction, after all.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHITMAN IN LONDON.
+
+(_Adapted from the American._)
+
+  Oh, site of Coldbath Fields Prison!
+  Oh, eight and three-quarter acres of potential Park for the plebs!
+  I gaze at you; I, WALT, gaze at you through cracks in the
+      black hoarding,
+  Though the helmeted blue-coated Bobby dilates to me on the
+      advantages of moving on.
+  I marvel at the stupidity of Authorities everywhere.
+  I stand and inhale a playground which in a week or two will be turned
+      into a Post Office by Government orders!
+  Instead of plants growing here, bricks will be planted.
+  Instead of girlhood, boyhood playing here, cash will be counted, stamps
+      will be affixed (savagely) by the public, and letters weighed when
+      the young women have time, and also inclination, to do so.
+  I, from the wild Western Continent, wilder myself, weep for this Park
+      soon to be devoured.
+  I am like a buck-jumper: I buck at it.
+  I am like the Giant Cowboy: only I am not gigantic, and I am cowed by it.
+  Oh, Northerly end of Farringdon Street! Oh, Coldbath Fields Square!
+      Oh, dwellers in all the adjacent slums and rookeries, redolent of
+      old clothes' shops, swarthy Italian organ-grinders, and the
+      superannuated herring,
+  Are you going to see another House of Correction--a Postal one--built
+      where the old one stood?
+  If so, it is _I_ who correct you: I, who am so correct myself!
+
+[Illustration: A Salt and Battery.]
+
+  And you, too, Clerkenwell Gaol!
+  What are the dodrotted Authorities going to do with _you_?
+  Eh? Clear you away, and build a Board School there?
+  But why build anything?
+  Clerkenwell is mine: I am _a propos_ of Clerkenwell: Clerkenwell is
+      _a propos_ of me.
+  Morally, if not legally, it is mine; morally it is yours as well, you
+      wizened, pallid, blue-nosed, dunderheaded Metropolitan Citizen!
+  In this jungle of houses, what is wanted is fresh air.
+  Everyone of you toilers should be given the real "Freedom of the City,"
+      by having free spaces bestowed on you.
+  It is better to learn how to expand the limbs, and play rounders, and
+      leap over the frog, and fly kites,
+  Than to acquire in a school-room elementary education, consisting of
+      algebra and Assyrian hieroglyphics, spelling, Greek, Italian, and
+      advanced trigonometry.
+  _Allons_, then! _Esperanza!_ Also _cui bono!_ Go to your Home
+      Secretary, your Postmaster in General, and tell them that no
+      Post Office or School shall be built on this spot,
+  Because I, WALT, hailing hoarsely from Manhattan, have spotted it,
+  And _Punch_, the lustrous _camerado_, the ineffable dispensator, will
+      spot it too!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: COMPENSATION.
+
+_Effie._ "BUT, DEAR MAMMA, HOW CAN WE _HELP_ BEING SELFISH, MAUD AND
+I? YOU AND PAPA HAVE ALWAYS GIVEN WAY TO US IN EVERYTHING! UNSELFISH
+PARENTS ALWAYS MAKE SELFISH CHILDREN, YOU KNOW--AND _VICE VERSA!_"
+
+_Maud._ "YES; AND, ACCORDING TO THAT, MUMMY DARLING, JUST THINK WHAT
+NICE _UN_SELFISH _GRAND_CHILDREN YOU'LL HAVE, IF WE EVER MARRY!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+JUPITER TONANS!
+
+    "Shall I fetch your thunderbolt, Jove?" inquired
+    Ganymede.--_Ixion in Heaven._
+
+_Modern Jupiter loquitur:--_
+
+  A bolt, a potent one, and brought at need!
+  That B-LF-R is a ready Ganymede.
+  And yet--and yet--ah, well, upon my soul,
+  A troublous function is the Thunderer's _role_.
+  'Tis vastly fine, of course; if fate would smile,
+  I fancy that the Cloud-Compeller's style
+  Would suit me sweetly; just the line I love;
+  Resolute rule's the appanage of a Jove.
+  But SHELLEY's dismal Demogorgon's self,
+  That solemn, shadowy, stern, oracular elf,
+  Plus obstinate Prometheus, did not play
+  Such mischief as the parties do to-day,
+  With Law and Order. Who would be a god
+  When force forsakes his bolt, and fear his nod?
+
+  Yes, here's the bolt forged ready to my hand,
+  But,--will it fly obedient to command,
+  And hit the mark I mean? Would I were sure;
+  Then should I hold my new-found seat secure,
+  Without a thought of Saturn, or that Hour
+  Which sets a term e'en to Olympian pow'r.
+  But what if like a boomerang, it fly
+  Back to my hand, or, worse, into mine eye?
+  Ah, Ganymede, Jupiter Tonans seems
+  A splendid part, in young ambition's dreams,
+  But, Ganymede, who would aspire, I wonder,
+  To be a Jove who's half afraid to thunder?
+  With doubts about the handling of my bolt,
+  And half Olympus in half-veiled revolt;
+  With hostile Titans mustering on the plain,
+  And old Prometheus "popping up again";
+  With Demogorgon lurking down below,
+  Disguised as Demos, with its muffled, low,
+  But multitudinous slowly-swelling voice,
+  How should I in Olympian power rejoice?
+  I grasp the bolt; I cannot well refuse it;
+  But--I half hope I may not have to use it!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"HOMES IN THE HILLS."
+
+    [The absence of skilled nursing in the British Military
+    Hospitals in India having long been felt to be a serious evil,
+    leading to the needless sacrifice of brave and valuable lives,
+    the SECRETARY of STATE has sanctioned the employment of
+    Lady Nurses in these hospitals. The Government of India have
+    undertaken the whole cost in connection with this scheme,
+    except the provision of "Homes in the Hills," as restorative
+    resorts for the Nursing Sisters, when their own health feels
+    the strain of their arduous duties in such a climate as that
+    of the plains of India. The money required for this
+    most essential purpose the Government consider might be
+    "appropriately left to the active benevolence of private
+    individuals interested in the welfare of the British Soldier
+    in India."
+
+    For aid towards the establishment of these "Homes in the
+    Hills," Lady ROBERTS, wife of the gallant Indian hero, Sir
+    FREDERICK ROBERTS, makes an appeal which _Mr. Punch_ desires
+    most earnestly to second.
+
+    Subscriptions will be received by the Alliance Bank, Simla;
+    Messrs. Cox & Co., Craig's Court, London; and by Lady ROBERTS
+    herself.]
+
+  To nurse our stricken Soldiers! Nobler task,
+  Or more ennobling, can our Sisters ask?
+    Whilst stout hearts suffer, soft ones shall not fail
+  In selfless readiness to soothe and save,
+  Sharing the tribute rendered by the brave
+      To FLORENCE NIGHTINGALE.
+
+  Her sex's strong and sweet exemplar, she
+  Must surely send across the orient sea
+    To "NORA ROBERTS," as a kindred heart,
+  Message of warm good-will. And we at home
+  For whom our soldiers fight, and watch, and roam,
+      Shall we not do our part?
+
+  'Tis sad to think that in that burning land,
+  For lack of ministry from woman's hand,
+    Strong men and gallant boys have sunk and died.
+  Gladdening to hear that Nursing Sisters now,
+  To cool hot lips and ease pain-fevered brow,
+      Will seek our Soldiers' side.
+
+  But who shall nurse the Nurses? When the strain
+  Of ministry on India's torrid plain
+    Brings the fatigue that, long-neglected, kills,
+  They'll need, as health-resorts whereto to send,
+  For rest restorative, the soldiers' friend,
+      Homes in the cooler hills.
+
+  For these the Lady of our gallant Chief,
+  Whose brilliant march brought Candahar relief,
+    Pleads to a public whom that honoured name
+  Alone should stir to sympathy and aid.
+  Help for the Helpers! _Punch_ is not afraid
+      _That_ plea will miss its aim!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: JUPITER TONANS!
+
+"HA!--A POWERFUL WEAPON!--HOPE I MAYN'T HAVE TO USE IT!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOLIDAY HINTS.
+
+(_From Crowded-out Correspondents._)
+
+SIR,--The plan of your Correspondent, "A DOUBTFUL SAILOR," who alleges
+that he avoids sea-sickness by drinking two bottles of Champagne
+before starting, and then goes on board accompanied by his Family
+Doctor, who administers alternately nitrous oxide gas and ginger beer
+to him every ten minutes till the passage is over, though no doubt
+an efficacious preventive, strikes me as less simple than the means
+I invariably employ to secure a comfortable crossing. They are easily
+available, and are as follows. Before I start I provide myself with a
+six-foot mattrass, several yards of rope, and four screw-hooks, which,
+the moment I enter the cabin, I proceed with a large gimlet to fasten
+to the ceiling, and, before the Steward or passengers have had time
+to protest, I have rigged myself up a capital swinging bed in the very
+centre of the vessel. To jump in, occupy it, and keep officials at
+bay with an umbrella, only needs a little nerve and practice, and when
+once fairly out of port, specially if it be rough, one is not very
+easily dislodged. In the course of thirteen passages, I have only been
+overturned eleven times, in nine of which I was cut down by order of
+the Captain; and though on several occasions, through clinging to the
+swinging-lamp, I brought it down in the struggle, and had to pay for
+the damage, I can confidently recommend any one who has a horror of
+the Channel crossing, and does not mind a brisk physical encounter
+with three Stewards, the First Mate, and half the crew of one of the
+Folkestone and Boulogne boats, to follow my example.
+
+  I am, Sir, your obedient servant,
+  ABAFT THE FUNNEL.
+
+SIR,--"ONE WHO HASN'T YET DONE IT," wants to know how, travelling with
+only one ticket, he can secure an entire third-class compartment for
+the whole journey to himself. I will tell him. Let him install himself
+in his quarters taking with him five full life-sized lay-figures
+dressed in old great-coats with hats pulled down over their ears and
+eyes, and let him arrange these picturesquely about the carriage in
+attitudes indicative of the suffering of much internal torture. Then
+let him stand at the window with a genial and good-humoured expression
+on his face, and pointing over his shoulder to the scene behind him,
+explain briefly to any passengers who are thinking of entering, that
+he is travelling with "five aged uncles in the last stage of delirium
+from a contagious and infectious fever," and he will find they will
+instantly desist from their efforts and hurry to another portion of
+the train. To carry out this little _ruse_ successfully it may be
+sometimes necessary to wink at the ticket-collector and give him
+threepence, but this does not follow as a matter of course. The plan
+will be found to work excellently on comparatively short excursions
+to the sea-side, during which people sent in search of health are
+necessarily anxious to avoid anything approaching to the risk of
+contagion. For longer distances, such as a journey to the North for
+instance, there is nothing like travelling with an Indian Chief, and
+if possible, with a hyaena. The appearance of the former in gleaming
+paint and feathers brandishing a tomahawk and uttering wild war-whoops
+at every station, will be sure to prevent the intrusion of women with
+babies, while even a country farmer, on seeing the hyaena emerge from
+under the seat, and on your remarking smilingly, "He isn't muzzled,
+but I don't think he'll bite," will be likely to select some other
+compartment. I have travelled from King's Cross to Inverness several
+times under the above conditions, and except on one occasion at Perth,
+where the hyaena got loose and eat thirteen half-crown
+breakfasts, for which I had to pay, and on one other at Edinburgh,
+when the Indian Chief scalped a ticket-collector by mistake, I have
+never met with any sort of _contretemps_, but enjoyed the journey in
+comfort, and kept the carriage the whole way entirely to myself. At
+this season of the year when so many who are off "for the grouse,"
+think twice before putting their hands into their pockets for the
+exorbitant fare of a journey first-class, my method of securing all
+its comfort at half the cost, may possibly find some votaries willing
+to profit by my experience. Such as it is, it is thus freely placed at
+their disposal.
+
+  By yours inventively,
+  THERE AND BACK.
+
+SIR,--Your Correspondent, a "STIFLED INVALID," wants to know how, in
+these days of ill-drained and ill-ventilated lodgings, he can secure
+a breath of fresh sea-air without the risk of being prostrated by a
+local fever, or poisoned by sewer gas. His course is simple enough. He
+has only to do as I have done. Let him get a furniture-van (if he is a
+married man with a family, he will want more--I have five), and hire
+a traction-engine to drag him to some well-known watering-place, and
+deposit him on the Pier. I have tried the experiment, as yet,
+with every prospect of success. Here am I, with my five vans, well
+installed at the end of the Pier of a well-known fashionable health
+resort, the band playing twice a day, with the fresh air blowing all
+about me, and the sea surrounding me on every side. We managed to get
+on when the man who takes the tickets was away having his dinner. The
+situation is quite delightful, and but for the fact that all the local
+Authorities have commenced proceedings against me, and that there
+was a slight riot last night during an ineffectual attempt made by
+six-and-thirty cart-horses to move me on to the Marine Parade, I have
+every reason to be satisfied with the result of my experiment. I am
+living rent free, and, beyond the cost of a family ticket for the
+Pier, which, though it is disputed by the Committee, I insist gives
+me a right to have my vans on as well, have, as yet, been put to no
+expense whatever. There was a report that the Local Fire Brigade had
+resolved, in the event of my not moving off, to force me to do so
+by "pumping" me out, but I am loth to believe this. Meantime we
+are having some excellent fishing with a lawn-tennis net. The
+traction-engine is to call for me in a month. Strongly recommending my
+"Plan of Campaign" to a "STIFLED INVALID," I beg to subscribe myself,
+your obedient servant,
+
+  NO LAND LUBBER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NOVEL-READER'S VADE MECUM.
+
+_Question._ I believe you are a very rapid reader of fiction?
+
+_Answer._ Certainly. My average rate is three and a half volumes a
+day. This gives me plenty of time for meals, sleep and skipping.
+
+[Illustration: Through Booking, First-Class and otherwise.]
+
+_Q._ Do you skip a great deal?
+
+_A._ A very great deal. For instance, I have skipped about two-thirds
+of _Isa_, by the Editor of the _North-Eastern Daily Gazette_, in
+spite of it being only in a couple of volumes, and containing for an
+introduction the following rather lengthy sentence:--"If the devil
+were in a laughing mood, what could seem more grimly humorous to him
+than the vision of a fair young spirit striving consciously after
+ethereal perfection, but overweighted unconsciously by the bonds and
+fetters of human infirmity and passion, and dragged at last headlong
+down the abysmal descent to perdition?" "Abysmal" is good--very good.
+
+_Q._ Well, and what of the book itself?
+
+_A._ Chiefly horrors. Nightmare after a pork-chop supper I fancy.
+_Nelly Jocelyn_ (_Widow_), is a welcome contrast. One of the best
+things Miss JEAN MIDDLEMASS has done. The character of _Paul Cazalet_
+capitally drawn and foreign local colouring admirable.
+
+_Q._ What do you think of _His Own Enemy_?
+
+_A._ Fancy the title somehow must refer to the Author. Clerical
+sketches full of unconscious humour. Two volumes but _very_ big ones.
+Quite a relief to get to _A False Start_,--by HAWLEY SMART, which is
+most entertaining. But in this case the name of the Author is a safe
+guarantee for something worth reading.
+
+_Q._ What do you think of _A Modern Circe_?
+
+_A._ I fancy it is not quite so good as _Molly Brown_, by the same
+Author.
+
+_Q._ What do you know of _Molly Brown_?
+
+_A._ Nothing--I have not read it.
+
+_Q._ What have you to say about _Scamp_?
+
+_A._ That it is by the Author of _The Silent Shadow_, which I fancy
+must be the sequel of another novel called _The Garrulous Ghost_. In
+the first chapter the heroine _Scamp_, (a young lady) is discovered up
+a tree from which coign of vantage she throws a yellow-paper-covered
+novel at the gardener's head.
+
+_Q._ The first chapter then must be vastly entertaining?
+
+_A._ Vastly. I am absolutely dying to read the chapters that follow
+it, and will--some day.
+
+_Q._ What is _Brother or Lover_ about? _A._ I don't know--do you?
+
+_Q._ This is trifling! Pray describe _Out of Tune_.
+
+_A._ Ought to have been called _Out of Paganini_--founded upon that
+distinguished fiddler's life, although (as the Author says) "it is
+necessarily speculative as to its details."
+
+_Q._ Have you read _In the King's Service_?
+
+_A._ Some of it. Fancy it deals with the Peninsular War.
+
+_Q._ How about _Jill and Jack_?
+
+_A._ Book I imagine written before the title. Rather hard work to get
+up the hill which ends with the last chapter.
+
+_Q._ What is _Hidden in my Heart_?
+
+_A._ Seemingly the words which finish the third volume, "It is
+two years now since _Hubert_ died, and to-morrow is my second
+wedding-day."
+
+_Q._ Is this the first novel that the Authoress has written?
+
+_A._ Oh dear no. She has also published _Out of Eden_, _Quite True_,
+and a book which apparently refers to the late-in-life "finishing" of
+an uneducated ecclesiastic called _The Vicar's Governess_.
+
+_Q._ Don't you think that you are rather hard upon the novelists?
+
+_A._ I hope not. I am sure I owe them a deep, deep debt of gratitude.
+
+_Q._ How so? _A._ Without them I should be a victim to insomnia.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A REMINISCENCE OF THE VERY DRY WEATHER.
+
+_Secretary to Water-Works._ "TUT-T-T-T. 'GETTING VERY SERIOUS, Y'KNOW!
+IF THIS DROUGHT CONTINUES, I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE----"
+
+_Friend._ "LOOK HERE,--CAN'T YOU TURN ON SOME WHISKEY IN THE SERVICE?
+MY DEAR FELLOW, IT WOULD INFALLIBLY PREVENT WASTE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WHISTLING RELIEF.
+
+(_A Song for the Sleepy._)
+
+    "Baron H. DE WORMS informed Mr. LAWSON, that the Board of
+    Trade had communicated with some of the Railway Companies as
+    to the nuisance caused to the inhabitants of the Metropolis by
+    the constant use of railway whistles at night, and the Board
+    were assured that every effort would be made to reduce the
+    nuisance."--_Parliamentary Report._
+
+AIR--"_The Whistlin' Thief._"
+
+  When one is tired or ill,
+    And fain asleep would be,
+  A whistle loud and shrill
+    Oft brings the "big, big D."
+  "DE WORMS," young LAWSON said,
+    "This whistling is a bore."
+  "All right," says the Baron; "don't you be afraid.
+    They'll whistle at night no more."
+
+  "I've lived a long time, Baron,"
+    Says _Punch_, "in the world, my dear,
+  But of a nuisance settled _at once_,
+    I never yet did hear.
+  Yet if you'll lessen nocturnal shines,
+    And let us sleep or think,
+  Your jolly good health all the commonwealth
+    In a bumper deep will drink."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ECCENTRIC CONDUCT OF A JOURNALIST ON THE SPREE.--The Editor of the
+Berlin _Echo_ has offered a prize for the best Poem in praise of the
+Mother-in-Law. This singular demand proves that the gentleman cannot
+be married.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHANGE OF NAME.
+
+  If thus Penny Papers are freely allowed
+    To fling right and left their absurd imputations,
+  To find a new name for the quill-driving crowd
+    Will surely be one of our first obligations.
+  The Penny-a-Liner for long has been known
+    As a genial gusher, a fine phrase-refiner;
+  But now that he false and malignant has grown,
+    We must call him "The Penny Maligner."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FLY AND THE FARMERS.
+
+    "The Hessian Fly is causing great alarm amongst the
+    agriculturists. Its extinction is attracting the attention of
+    the Faculty."--_Daily Paper._
+
+[Illustration: Catching Perch with a Fly.]
+
+  Now we number the Potato
+    Beetle 'mong the scares gone by;
+  But a cuss has found its way to
+    Fields of corn--the Hessian Fly.
+  _Unde derivatur_ "Hessian"?
+    Named from whence the fly had flown,
+  Under quite a wrong impression,
+    No such thing in Hesse's known.
+
+  _Cecidomyia destructor_,
+    (What long names have little things!)
+  Comes o'er Ocean by conductor;
+    Straw, pestiferous, _pupae_, brings.
+  They turn, each, into a small gnat,
+    Not a blow-fly, bottle-blue;
+  _Cecidomyia_, _vulgo_, gall-gnat,
+    Galls both growths and growers too.
+
+  So the Farmers, full of trouble,
+    Help imploring go about,
+  They are told to burn the stubble;
+    No way else to stamp it out.
+  True the _Chalcis_ is reputed,
+    On the Gall-gnat's grub to feed;
+  But, for service to be suited,
+    How that parasite can they breed?
+
+  Yet there is a vermin-killer,
+    Like to thin the dipterous pest,
+  To the farmer and the miller,
+    Which instruction may suggest.
+  What may be, the question narrows,
+    If they doubt they can but try,
+  Is, if let alone, the sparrows
+    Might keep down the Hessian Fly.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BLESS HIS 'ART.--If there is anything in a name, the recently
+suggested appointment of _Artin Effendi_ as Turkish Commissioner
+at Sofia ought to mean something. Certainly the situation is one
+demanding the exercise of no little diplomatic art. But the question
+is, whether the proposed Commissioner has got, as ROBERT would put it,
+his _art in_ the business. There's the point.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PRETTY KETTLE OF FISH.--The Riots at Ostend.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SIGH OF THE SEASON.
+
+[Illustration: Pilled at the Club.]
+
+  Good-bye dinner, good-bye lunch,
+  Good-bye turtle, good-bye punch,
+  Good-bye jambon soaked in cham.,
+  Good-bye venison, cutlets lamb,
+  Good-bye salmon, smelts, and sole,
+  Good-bye HEIDSIECK'S Monopole,
+  Good-bye hock, sauterne, and sherry,
+  Good-bye all that makes me merry,
+  Good-bye liqueurs, _petite verre_,
+  Good-bye Sauce _au Vin Madere_,
+  Good-bye all these joys of life,
+  Good-bye fork, and good-bye knife,
+  Good-bye all I take when out,
+  Good-bye _then_ this twinge of gout!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WORTH NOTICE.--There is this slight difference between the
+conventional Yankee and the average Home Ruler, that whilst the former
+swears "by Gum," the latter swears by G. O. M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE STORY OF A KISS."--(_A "Novel" Reading._)--Kiss and tell! For
+shame!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INTERIORS AND EXTERIORS. No. 51.
+
+[Illustration: THE LATE PARLIAMENTARY HARVEST.
+
+(_Facsimile of Sketch by Our Out-of-Town Special._)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM
+
+THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday August 22._--Peers at last face the
+inevitable. As records have shown there has been for week or two no
+work for them to do. Still, they have eased their tender consciences
+by assembling to see HALSBURY take the Woolsack. (Always a pleasing
+spectacle. Innate grace of LORD CHANCELLOR comes out in every step and
+gesture.) To-night there was, as usual, nothing to do; but Noble
+Lords really could not again make believe that Nation could not get
+on without them. So stayed away, and for one night House of Lords
+abolished.
+
+In Commons at hour for commencing public business barely a quorum
+present. Both Front Bench and Treasury Bench vacant. GEORGE BALFOUR,
+always ready to throw himself into breach, took possession of seat of
+Leader of Opposition, and calmly gazed across table. Never should it
+be said as long as he had seat in House that Liberals were as sheep
+without a shepherd. Few Members on back benches visibly brightened up
+at sight of veteran volunteer.
+
+Only a few questions, but unwonted difficulty in getting through them.
+Some cases the questioner not present. In others Minister addressed
+not yet arrived. MCARTHUR had question down pretty early in list.
+SPEAKER called upon him. No response. Went on to next question.
+Quarter of an hour later, all other questions run through. MCARTHUR
+coming in put his question to Parliamentary Secretary for Foreign
+Affairs. FERGUSSON, who had also just arrived, supposing that MCARTHUR
+had put question in due course, apologised to him for not having been
+in his place; whereat House laughed uproariously. Very grateful in
+these times for anything that looks like joke.
+
+P. STANHOPE brought under notice of Home Secretary case of
+enterprising parish constable in North Hunts. P.C., a supporter of Her
+Majesty's Government, resented Liberal candidate presenting himself
+before constituency. Determined he should not be heard. Brought down
+enormous rattle; swung it about throughout candidate's speech. JOSEPH
+GILLIS pricked up his ears. What a notion this would be for adaptation
+to Parliamentary usage! Suppose he had rattle and swung it whilst
+SAUNDERSON or JOHNSTON were speaking? Will consult SPEAKER as to how
+far this would be in order. HOME SECRETARY declined to be responsible
+for either parish constable or his rattle.
+
+_Business done._--Votes on Supply.
+
+_Tuesday._--Lords sat ten minutes to-night. Home to dinner, with sense
+of deserving well of country.
+
+Commons at work again in Supply. Considered Vote for Science and Art
+Department, South Kensington. CAVENDISH-BENTINCK contributed one or
+two speeches of great interest. Thin attendance, and prevalent air
+of lassitude. But, whilst on legs, C.-B. riveted attention. Very
+indignant with neglect of Art in common life. Old Members accustomed
+to Right Hon. Gentleman's little trick, of which he is sole
+repository. But new Members tremble, and grow pale, as, when
+denouncing any person or practice, Right Hon. Gentleman mysteriously
+raises his hair till it stands on end. Once this phenomenon came
+about when he denounced certain weighing-machines, which, he said, had
+recently been put up at London railway stations. Tops of this machine,
+he said, were supported by two columns, one supposed to be Ionic, and
+the other Doric.
+
+"As matter of fact," said C.-B., his hair slowly uprising, "they're
+neither one thing nor the other, but simply German!"
+
+As he spoke, fixed fiery eye on HOME SECRETARY. MATTHEWS, so
+accustomed to be badgered, and feeling his perfect innocence in this
+respect, shook his head. Phenomenon witnessed again when BENTINCK
+discovered that picture, bought at CHRISTIE'S for 120 guineas,
+subsequently sold to National Gallery for 400. Hair rose in angry
+protest.
+
+_Business done._--Thirteen Votes passed.
+
+_Thursday._--Dreary wilderness of House of Commons blossomed to-night
+like a rose-garden. Yesterday, and for days before, empty benches and
+a fagged remnant wrestling with routine votes. To-night House crowded,
+and buzz of excitement filled chamber. GLADSTONE going to move hostile
+Resolution on Government proposal to proclaim Land League. Every
+Member in town early in his place. Members from afar arrived post
+haste. Even RANDOLPH, temporarily returns. Old Morality smiles ghastly
+smile of welcome, but knees tremble as he wonders what RANDOLPH means
+to do. The O'GORMAN MAHON back again, PARNELL having elected him for
+Carlow County. The old boy as young as ever, and full of reminiscences
+of his early Parliamentary career, which goes back immeasurable
+distance.
+
+"Ah," he said, looking at the Mace, "there it is agin. I remimber well
+the afternoon--we always sat in the afternoon thin--when CROMWELL came
+down, and said, 'Take away that bauble, ye spalpeens, or I'll make it
+worse for ye.' I was younger then, TOBY me bhoy, indade quite a young
+man."
+
+Old boy's limp is, I fancy, getting better. He has suffered it for
+some years now. Seems that one day towards the close of last century
+BURKE flung dagger on floor of House by way of peroration. Weapon
+rebounded, and struck The MAHON on the instep. If you step into the
+lavatory with him, he'll show you the scar.
+
+"A mere thrifle, a mere thrifle, acushla! They were lively bhoys when
+I was in me proime."
+
+GLADSTONE in fine form and excellent voice. Honoured occasion by
+donning one of his biggest collars and a new necktie. Curious proof of
+his persuasiveness how he gradually talked his necktie round till knot
+rested under left ear. BALFOUR squealed forth his disapprobation for
+upwards of an hour. Rather a pitiful spectacle, the more so by reason
+of the contrast.
+
+"He should try to avoid immediately following GLADSTONE," said
+RANDOLPH, looking down contemptuously at his former friend.
+
+[Illustration: C. Br-dl-gh.]
+
+Best speeches after first, _longo intervallo_, were BRADLAUGH'S
+and ROBERTSON'S, the Scotch Solicitor-General. Conservatives quite
+forgotten their old animosity to Member for Northampton. As for
+Parnellites, cheer him madly as they do PARNELL. Certainly BRADLAUGH
+has acquired House of Commons' manner. Speeches in good style and full
+of point.
+
+Quite a treat to hear such speech as ROBERTSON'S from Treasury Bench.
+Mem. for Markiss. Why not double his salary, and let him speak from
+MATTHEWS'S brief, and, above all, from BALFOUR'S?
+
+_Business done._--Debate on Proclamation of National League.
+
+_Friday._--Amphibious old Warrior, who has been Admiral afloat,
+Generalissimo ashore, and is now Member for County Carlow, reappeared
+to-night, and took oath. It was a moving scene. Old veteran got up in
+rather young-looking costume, light tweed, with white waistcoat, in
+cut what young beau of twenty might wear.
+
+"Why, Colonel," said CYRIL FLOWER, a judge of these things, "you look
+younger than ever in your new suit!"
+
+"New, bedad," says The MAHON, "why I had 'em made to go to the wedding
+of WILLIAM and MARY. All Mimbers of Parliament invoited; special seats
+in Abbey; and, what's more, a good luncheon at BELLAMY'S. Haven't worn
+suit lately; thought it would do for this festive occasion."
+
+The MAHON'S advance to table to take oath a triumphal progress.
+Members on both sides cheered like mad. The Colonel stopped half way,
+and, facing friends and countrymen, blew them a kiss from tips of
+fingers. Turning to Ministerialists, who joined in applause he
+bowed gracefully. Clerks had greatest difficulty in convoying him
+to SPEAKER'S Chair. Broke away from escort, and shook hands with Old
+Morality. No joke when The MAHON shakes hands. Pumps away violently
+for several moments, as if ship were leaking, and all depended on him.
+Next got hold of BALFOUR, and avenged long woes of Ireland. At last
+got at SPEAKER. Thought he'd never let go. Pumped away till the
+SPEAKER had hardly breath to call "Order! order!" Finally flopped
+himself down next to GLADSTONE, on Front Bench, and gave him fearful
+shaking up.
+
+This, liveliest episode in debate. Some pretty good speaking, but
+everyone sick to death of topic.
+
+[Illustration: Lord H-rt-ngt-n's attitude towards Mr. Gl-dst-ne.]
+
+A little movement of interest when HARTINGTON rose; but happiest
+moment when bell rang, and Division actually at hand. Business
+done.--Proclamation of Land League approved.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SUMMER SOLILOQUY.
+
+_By Jaques Junior._
+
+  A bee, or not a bee? That is the question.
+  Whether 'twere better not to mind, and suffer
+  The stings that every summer are our portion,
+  Or take the trouble but to move an arm,
+  And, by opposing, end them. It flies--it creeps,
+  It creeps, perchance it stings! Then comes the rub,
+  When we have shuffled off our clothing. Soft,
+  'Twas but a bluebottle! How sweet it is
+  To lie like this i' the sun, and think of nought
+  Save how sweet 'tis to lie, and think of nought;
+  And that meseems to many wordy sages
+  Were small refreshment in this windy time.
+  How many are there who do cheat themselves,
+  And with themselves the many, that they are
+  The very vaward leaders of the fray,
+  The lictors of the pomp of intellect.
+  Whereas they are the merest driven spray,
+  The running rabble heralding the march
+  Impelled by what they herald;--
+  Who ever glance behind to see which way----
+  Oh, my prophetick soul! my Aunt ELIZA!
+
+  [_He is stung_!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IRISH NET PROFIT.
+
+In connection with the establishment, thanks chiefly to the
+munificence of Lady BURDETT-COUTTS and the Duke of NORFOLK, at
+Baltimore (Cork) of a New Industrial Fishery School to the end of
+teaching the fishermen there how to make the most of their hauls,
+the _Times_, as one example of the need of that instruction for those
+toilers of the Sea, very justly observes that "their ignorance of the
+art of curing fish causes them endless loss." The hap of Kill or Cure
+may be hazarded by physicians, but the practice of fishermen should
+be to kill and cure too--kill first and cure afterwards. Sure, no
+Irishman can fail to see the force of that. An Irish peasant sometimes
+when his pig is poorly, kills the animal, as he says, to save its
+life, whereby, of course, he means, to save his bacon. Fishermen
+should be up to curing all fish that are curable--except--they are not
+bootmakers--the cure of soles!
+
+[Illustration: "Putting the Carte before the Hoarse."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+--> NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
+Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+Transcriber's Note:
+
+Missing and illegible/damaged punctuation has been repaired.
+
+Page 100: 'delighful' corrected to 'delightful'. [Miss LOUISA
+METTERBRUN said something delightful to him the other day at dinner.]
+
+Page 105: repeated 'if' corrected to 'it'. [...specially if it be rough,]
+
+Page 105: eat [sic] ...where the hyaena got loose and eat thirteen
+half-crown breakfasts...
+
+...As it was a letter from a reader, 'eat' may have been his
+manner of speech; therefore, I have left it as such.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch or the London Charivari, Vol.
+93, September 3, 1887, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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