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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 147,
+December 30, 1914, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 147, December 30, 1914
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: August 11, 2009 [EBook #29669]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer,
+Katherine Ward, and the Online Distributed Proofreading
+Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOLUME 147.
+
+December 30, 1914.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+
+ABDUL the D--d is said to feel it keenly that, when the British
+decided to appoint a Sultan in Egypt, they did not remember that he
+was out of a job.
+
+       ***
+
+Meanwhile ABBAS Pasha is reported to have had a presentiment that he
+would one day be replaced by KAMEL Pasha. It is said that for some
+time past he would start nervously whenever he heard the band of a
+Highland regiment playing "The Kamel's a-coming."
+
+       ***
+
+We have very little doubt that the German newspapers are publishing
+photographs of Whitby Abbey, and claiming the entire credit for its
+ruined condition.
+
+       ***
+
+It remained for _The Times_ to chronicle the Germans' most astounding
+feat. It happened at Hartlepool. "A chimney nearly 200 feet in height,
+on the North-Eastern Railway hydraulic power-station, was," our
+contemporary tells us, "grazed by a projectile about 100 yards above
+its base."
+
+       ***
+
+The Archbishop of YORK, who was one of the KAISER'S few apologists, is
+said to feel keenly that potentate's ingratitude in selecting for
+bombardment two unprotected bathing-places in his Grace's diocese.
+
+       ***
+
+It is widely rumoured that WILHELM is conferring a special medal on
+the perpetrators of this and similar outrages, to be called the
+Kaiser-ye-Hun medal.
+
+       ***
+
+Some of the German newspapers have been organising a symposium on the
+subject of how to spend the coming Christmas. Herr ARTHUR VON GWINNER,
+director of the Deutsche Bank, is evidently something of a humourist.
+"More than ever," he says, "in the exercise of works of love and
+charity." We rather doubt whether the Herr Direktor's irony will be
+appreciated in high quarters.
+
+       ***
+
+A message from Amsterdam says that there are signs in Berlin of
+discontent with the German Chancellor and his staff, and patriots are
+calling for a "clean sweep." The difficulty, of course, is that, while
+there are plenty of sweeps in Germany, it is not easy to find a clean
+one.
+
+       ***
+
+"Immediately after his arrival at Rome," says _The Liverpool Echo_,
+"Prince Buelow proceeded to the Villa Malte, his usual residence at
+Rome, where he will stay until he takes up his quarters at the
+Caffarelli police." Our alleged harsh treatment of aliens fades into
+insignificance by the side of this!
+
+       ***
+
+General Baron VON BISSING, the Governor-General of Belgium, has
+informed a German journal that the KAISER has "very specially
+commanded him to help the weak and oppressed in Belgium." By whom, we
+wonder, are the Belgians being oppressed?
+
+The same journal announces that General VON DIEDENHOFEN, the commander
+at Karlsruhe, has issued a proclamation expressing his "indignation at
+the dishonourable conduct" of three German Red-Cross Nurses who have
+married wounded French prisoners. It certainly does look like taking
+advantage of the poor fellows when they were more or less helpless.
+
+       ***
+
+We hear that considerable ill-feeling has been caused in certain
+quarters of Paris by a thoughtless English newspaper calling the
+Germans "the Apaches of Europe."
+
+       ***
+
+A German critic has been expatiating on the trouble we must have
+in feeding an Army with so many different tastes and creeds.
+Commenting on this, _The Evening Standard_ says: "This is not a
+surprising matter from our point of view, but the German cast-iron
+system does not lend itself either in thought or practice to
+adaptability." Some people, we believe, imagine the Germans feed,
+without exception, on Pickelhauben.
+
+       ***
+
+A little while ago the Germans were claiming our SHAKSPEARE. We now
+hear that a forthcoming production at His Majesty's Theatre has set
+them longing, in view of the scarcity of the metal, for our
+_Copperfield_.
+
+       ***
+
+Mr. THOMAS BURT, M.P., Father of the House of Commons, has decided to
+resign his seat in Parliament. This does not however mean that the
+House will be left an orphan. Another father will be found at once.
+
+       ***
+
+It is rumoured that, after the War is over, a statue is to be erected
+to the Censor at Blankenberghe, in Belgium.
+
+       ***
+
+A tale from the Front. "The enemy are continuing to fortify the coast,
+Sir," said the subaltern. "I don't care if they fiftify it," roared
+his commanding officer; "it'll make no difference." This shows the
+British spirit.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "BUT YOU AREN'T TALL ENOUGH."
+
+"WELL, CAN I GO AS A DRUMMER-BOY?"
+
+"I'M AFRAID YOU'RE TOO OLD FOR THAT."
+
+"WELL, THEN--DASH IT ALL! I'LL GO AS A MASCOT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Sensational Statement.
+
+    "General Smuts stated that there were in the field at the
+    present time, not including those training, more than ----
+    men."--_Daily Telegraph._
+
+This is headed "South Africa's Forces," and may have been an actual
+piece of news until it reached the Censor.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Another Impending Apology.
+
+We read beneath a photograph in _The Graphic_:--
+
+    "Miss PAULINE PRIM--the cat in the Aldwych Pantomime, as she
+    is in real life."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Troubles of Neutrality.
+
+From a recent Geography Examination paper:--
+
+    "Holland is a low country: in fact it is such a very low
+    country that it is no wonder that it is damned all round."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A correspondent writes:--
+
+    "It is to be hoped that nothing further will be heard of these
+    various proposals to intern the KAISER at St. Helena. One
+    would have thought that there had been quite sufficient
+    desecration already of places of historic interest."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WAR-LORD'S NEW YEAR'S EVE.
+
+  KAISER, what vigil will you keep to-night?
+    Before the altar will you lay again
+  Your "shining armour," and renew your plight
+    To wear it ever clean of stain?
+
+  Or, while your priesthood chants the Hymn of Hate,
+    Like incense will you lift to God your breath
+  In praise that you are privileged by fate
+    To do His little ones to death?
+
+  Will Brother HENRY, knowing well the scene
+    That saw your cruisers' latest gallant feat,
+  Kneel at your side, and ask with pious mien
+    A special blessing on the fleet?
+
+  Will you make "resolutions?"--saying, "Lo!
+    I will be humble. Though my own bright sword
+  Has shattered Belgium, yet will I bestow
+    The credit on a higher Lord.
+
+  "What am I but His minister of doom?
+    The smoke of burning temples shall ascend,
+  With none to intercept the savoury fume,
+    Straight upward to my honoured Friend."
+
+  Or does your heart admit, in hours like these,
+    God is not mocked with words; His judgment stands;
+  Nor all the waters of His cleansing seas
+    Can wash the blood-guilt from your hands?
+
+  Make your account with Him as best you can.
+    What other hope has this New Year to give?
+  For outraged earth has laid on you a ban
+    Not to be lifted while you live.
+
+O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+UNWRITTEN LETTERS TO THE KAISER.
+
+NO. XII.
+
+(_From the EX-SULTAN OF TURKEY._)
+
+MY BROTHER,--There are many who in these days gnash their teeth
+against you and pursue with malice and reproach the words you utter
+and the deeds you perform, so that verily the tempests of the world
+beat about your head. It may please you, therefore, to know that there
+is one man at least whose affectionate admiration for you has suffered
+no decrease, nay, has rather been augmented a hundredfold by the
+events of the past half-year. Need I say that I am that man?
+
+It is true that I have been shorn of my honours and privileges, that I
+live in exile as a prisoner and that the vile insulters of fallen
+majesty compass me about. I who once dwelt in splendour and issued my
+commands to the legions of the faithful am treated with contumely by a
+filthy pack of time-servers, and have nothing that I can call my own
+except, for the moment, the air that I breathe. Oh, for an hour of the
+old liberty and power! It would amuse me to see the faces of ENVER and
+of my wretched brother MOHAMMED as I ordered them to execution--them
+and their gang of villainous parasites. By the bowstring of my
+fathers, but that would be a great and worthy killing! Pardon the fond
+day-dreams of a poor and lonely old man whose only crime has been that
+he loved his country too well and treated his enemies with a kindness
+not to be understood by those black and revengeful hearts.
+
+I remember that in the old days there were not wanting those who
+warned me against you. "Beware," they said, "of the GERMAN EMPEROR. He
+will use you for his own purposes, and will then cast you aside like
+an orange that has been squeezed." But I paid no heed to their jealous
+imaginings, and I had my reward. Not, indeed, that you were able to
+save me when the wicked burst upon me and cast me down. The stroke was
+too sudden, and you, alas, were too far. But the memory of our
+delightful friendship is still with me to sustain and comfort me in my
+tribulations. I still have some of the letters in which you poured out
+your heart to me, and when melancholy oppresses me I take them from my
+breast and read them over and over again.
+
+It is a joy to me to know that there is a firm alliance between my
+brave Turks and your magnanimous soldiers. I doubt not that Allah, the
+good old friend of the Turks, will continue to bless you and give you
+victory after victory over your enemies. It is no less a joy to learn
+how gloriously and how sagaciously you are conducting this war. They
+tell me that your ships have bombarded the coast towns of England, and
+that five or six hundred of the inhabitants have fallen before your
+avenging shells. What matters it that these towns were not fortified
+in the strict and stupid sense, and that there were many women and
+children amongst those you slew? The towns _were_ fortified in the
+sense that they were hostile to your high benevolence, and as for
+women and children you need not even dream of excusing yourself to
+_me_. These English are no better than Armenians. It is necessary to
+extirpate them, and the younger you catch them the less time they have
+for devising wickedness against the Chosen of Allah. As for women,
+they need hardly be taken into account. In all these matters I know by
+your actions that you agree. You must proceed on your noble course
+until the last of these infidels is swept away to perdition.
+
+May I condole with you on the loss of your four ships of war by the
+guns of the British Admiral STURDEE? That was, indeed, a cowardly
+blow, and it is hard to understand why it was allowed.
+
+Farewell then, my Brother. Be assured again of the undying friendship
+and admiration of the poor exile,
+
+ABDUL HAMID.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+KILL OR CURE.
+
+    [_Reports continue to reach us from our brave troops in the
+    field that they "never felt fitter," are "in the best of
+    spirits," and so forth._]
+
+    Have you a bronchial cough, or cold,
+      And is your ailment chronic
+    Past every sort of cure that's sold?
+      We'll tell you of a tonic.
+    Just wing our agents here a wire
+  And book "A Fortnight Under Teuton Fire."
+
+    Do you admit with anxious mind
+      Your liver's loss of movement,
+    And that in consequence you find
+      Your temper needs improvement?
+    Then leave awhile your stool or bench
+  And try our "Month Inside a Flooded Trench."
+
+    Are you a broken nervous wreck,
+      Run short of red corpuscles,
+    Painfully scraggy in the neck,
+      And much in need of muscles?
+    Come to us now--for now's your chance--
+  And take our "Lively Tour Through Northern France."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DISHONOURED.
+
+CAPTAIN OF THE _EMDEN_. "DIRTY WORK!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE REAL HERO OF THE WAR.
+
+There is an impression about that among the candidates for the
+position of real hero of the war KING ALBERT might have a chance; or
+even Lord KITCHENER or Sir JOHN FRENCH. But I have my doubts, after
+all that I have heard--and I love to hear it and to watch the
+different ways in which the tellers narrate it: some so frankly proud,
+some just as proud, but trying to conceal their pride. After all that
+I have heard I am bound to believe that for the real hero of the war
+we must look elsewhere. Not much is printed of this young fellow's
+deeds; one gets them chiefly by word of mouth and very largely in club
+smoking-rooms. In railway carriages too, and at dinner-parties. These
+are the places where the champions most do congregate and hold forth.
+And from what they say he is a most gallant and worthy warrior.
+Versatile as well, for not only does he fight and bag his Bosch, but
+he is wounded and imprisoned. Sometimes he rides a motor cycle,
+sometimes he flies, sometimes he has charge of a gun, sometimes he is
+doing Red Cross work, and again he helps to bring up the supplies with
+the A.S.C. He has been everywhere. He was at Mons and he was at
+Cambrai. He marched into Ypres and is rather angry when the Germans
+are blamed for shelling the Cloth Hall, because he tells you that
+there was a big French gun firmly established behind it, and only by
+shelling the building could the enemy hope to destroy that dangerous
+piece of ordnance. He saw something of the bombardment of Rheims and
+he watched the monitors at work on the Belgian coast.
+
+And not only does he perform some of the best deeds and often get
+rewarded for them, but he is a good medium for news too. He hears
+things. He's somewhere about when General ---- says something of the
+deepest significance to General ----. He knows men high up in the War
+Office. He refers lightly to KITCHENER, and staff officers apparently
+tell him many of their secrets. He speaks quite casually and
+familiarly of WINSTON and what WINSTON said yesterday, for he often
+has the latest Admiralty news too. It was he who had the luck to be in
+the passage when Lord FISHER and another Sea Lord executed their
+historic waltz on the receipt of the news of STURDEE'S coup. I don't
+pretend that he is always as worthy of credence as he was then; for he
+has spread some false rumours too. He was, in fact, one of the busiest
+eye-witnesses (once or twice removed) of the triumphant progress of
+millions of Russians through Scotland and England some months ago. He
+is not unaware of the loss of battleships of which nothing has yet
+been officially stated. In fact, his unofficial news is terrific and
+sometimes must be taken with salt. But denials do not much abash him.
+He was prepared for them and can explain them.
+
+His letters are interesting and cover a vast amount of ground. They
+are sometimes very well written, and in differing moods he abuses the
+enemy and pities them. He never grumbles but is sometimes perplexed by
+overwork in the trenches. He hates having to stand long in water and
+has lost more comrades than he likes to think about. One day he was
+quite close to General JOFFRE, whom he regards as a sagacious leader,
+cautious and far-sighted; another day he was close to Sir JOHN FRENCH,
+and nothing could exceed the confidence which his appearance kindled
+in him. On the morning of the KING'S arrival at the Front he was
+puzzled by the evolutions of our air scouts, who seemed to have gone
+mad; but it turned out that they were saluting HIS MAJESTY. Some of
+his last letters were from the neighbourhood of Auchy and described
+the fighting for the canal. He is a little inconsistent now and then,
+and one day says he has more cigarettes than he can smoke, and the
+next bewails the steady shortage of tobacco. As to his heroic actions
+he is reticent; but we know that many of the finest deeds have been
+performed by him. He has saved lives and guns and is in sight of the
+V.C.
+
+And what is his name? Well, I can't say what his name is, because it
+is not always the same; but I can tell you how he is always described
+by those who relate his adventures, his prowess, his news, his
+suspicions and his fears. He is always referred to as "My son."
+
+"My son," when all is said, is the real hero of the war.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It is all very well to warn the British public (naturalised or
+otherwise) against supporting and comforting the enemy, but it might
+have more effect if those in authority set the example.
+
+    "The British Government declares that in the event of the
+    Austrian Government being in need of funds, Great Britain is
+    ready to provide them."--_Japan Chronicle._
+
+    "King George has sent a warmly-worded telegram of congratulation
+    to the new Sultan of Turkey."--_Sunday Chronicle._
+
+Paragraphs such as these, for instance, do not provide the proper
+inspiration.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "There are increasing rumours of serious fiction between the
+    Austrians and the Germans."--_Natal Times._
+
+Their _forte_, however, is humorous fiction.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+R. G. A.
+
+    Over the hills where the grey hills rise
+    Smoke wreaths climb to the cloudless skies,
+    White in the glare of the noonday sun,
+    Climbing in companies, one by one,
+          From the strong guns,
+          The long guns,
+      That wake with break of day
+  And dutifully drop their shells a dozen miles away.
+
+    Far beneath where our airmen fly,
+    Slowly the Garrison guns go by,
+    Breaking through bramble and thorn and gorse,
+    Towed by engines or dragged by horse,
+          The great guns,
+          The late guns,
+      That slowly rumble up
+  To enable Messrs. VICKERS to converse with Messrs. KRUPP.
+
+    Garrison cannon is never swift
+    (Shells are a deuce of a weight to lift);
+    When they are ready to open shop,
+    Where they are planted, there they stop,
+          The grey guns,
+          The gay guns,
+    That know what they're about,
+  To wait at fifteen hundred yards and clear the trenches out.
+
+    4.7's and 9.4's,
+    Taking to camping out of doors;
+    Out of the shelter of steel-built sheds,
+    Sleeping out in their concrete beds--
+          The proud guns,
+          The loud guns,
+      Whose echo wakes the hills,
+  And shakes the tiles and scatters glass on distant window-sills.
+
+    Little cannon of envious mind
+    May mock at the gunners who come behind;
+    Let them wait till we've lined our pets
+    On to the forts and the walls of Metz;
+          The siege guns,
+          The liege guns,
+      The guns to batter down
+  The barricades and bastions of any German town.
+
+    Though there be others who do good work,
+    Harassing German, trouncing Turk,
+    Let us but honour one toast to-day--
+    The men and the guns of the R.G.A.!
+          The vast guns,
+          The last guns,
+      When Spring is coming in,
+  To roll down every Eastern road a-booming to Berlin!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE TEMPTATIONS OF A SOLDIER.
+
+_Fond Mother (who has just seen her son, a very youthful subaltern,
+off to the front)._ "I GOT HIM AWAY FROM HIS FATHER FOR A MOMENT
+AND SAID TO HIM, 'DARLING, DON'T GO TOO NEAR THE FIRING-LINE, WILL
+YOU?'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEW YEAR NOVELTIES.
+
+THE STRATEGIST'S MUZZLE.--For use in the Home--the Club--the Railway
+Train. Fitted with best calf leather gag--easily attached--efficiency
+guaranteed, 4_s._ 11_d._ With chloroform attachment for violent cases,
+8_s._ 11_d._ BELLOC size, 22_s._ 6_d._
+
+Recommended by the Censor.
+
+THE ALLIES' MUSICAL BOX.--Beautifully decorated in all the national
+colours. A boon to organizers of war concerts. Plays all the National
+Anthems of the Allies simultaneously, thus allowing the audience to
+keep their seats for the bulk of the evening. A blessing to wounded
+soldiers and rheumatic subjects. 10_s._ 11_d._ carriage paid.
+
+THE COIN DETECTOR.--This ingenious little contrivance rings a bell
+once when brought within a yard of silver coins and twice when in the
+proximity of gold coins. Absolutely indispensable to collectors for
+Relief Funds. 2_s._ 11-1/2_d._ post free.
+
+Testimonial from Lady Isobel Tompkins:--
+
+"Since using your invaluable detector in my collecting work I
+understand that there has been quite a run on the banks and
+post-offices in this neighbourhood for postal orders and the new
+notes. With the addition of an indicator of paper-money your machine
+would be perfection."
+
+HAPPY FAMILIES.--The game of the season--with portraits of all our
+political leaders. Any four assorted leaders of different views make a
+happy family. 10-1/2_d._
+
+Mr. KEIR HARDIE says:--"I never knew a more aggravating game."
+
+GERMAN HAPPY FAMILIES.--Intensely amusing; peals of laughter come from
+the table when one asks for Mr. Kayser, the butcher; Mr. Prince, the
+looter; Mr. Tirpitz, the pirate, 10-1/2_d._
+
+BURKE'S NORMAN BLOOD.--The presentation book of the season. Invaluable
+to the newly naturalised. 3_s._ 6_d._ net.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From certain Regimental Orders we extract the following:--
+
+    "There is no objection to the following being written on the
+    Field Service Post Card: 'A merry Christmas and a happy New
+    Year.'"
+
+All the same, the danger of conveying news to the enemy must not be
+overlooked. Many German soldiers, we hear, are under the impression
+that it is still August, and that they will be in Paris by the
+beginning of September.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "In the early hours of Wednesday morning, what is supposed to
+    have been a traction engine when proceeding southward, struck
+    the west side of the parapet with great force."--_Alnwick
+    Gazette._
+
+When proceeding northward it has more the appearance of a sewing-machine.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WATCH DOGS.
+
+X.
+
+MY DEAR CHARLES,--I write on Christmas Day from a second-grade
+Infants' School, the grade referring obviously to the school and not
+to the infants. We sit round the old Yule hot-water pipe, and from the
+next classroom come the heavenly strains of the gramophone, one of
+those veteran but sturdy machines which none of life's rough usages
+can completely silence or even shake in its loyal determination to go
+on _and keep on going on_ at all costs. Having duly impressed "Good
+King Wenceslas" upon us, it is now rendering an emotional waltz, of
+which, though now and then it may drop a note or two, it mislays none
+of the pathos.
+
+It was a present to the Mess; intended for our entertainment in the
+trenches, though I cannot think who was going to carry it there. The
+tune serves to recall the distant past, when we used to wear silk
+socks and shining pumps, to glide hither and thither on hard floors,
+and talk in the intervals, talk, talk, talk with all the desperate
+resource of exhausted heroes who know that they have only to hang on
+five more minutes and they are saved. Suppose we had by now been in
+those trenches and had been listening to this obstinate old box slowly
+but confidently assuring and reassuring us that there is and was and
+always will be our one-two-three home in the one-two-three,
+one-two-three West! I can see the picture; I can see the tears of
+happiness coursing down our weather-beaten cheeks as we say to
+ourselves, "Goodness knows, it's uncomfortable enough here, but thank
+heaven we aren't in that ball-room anyway."
+
+In a corner of this room is a bridge-four. The C.O. is sitting in an
+authoritative, relentless silence. His tactical dispositions have been
+made and they are going to be pushed through to the end, cost what it
+may to the enemy or his own side. His partner is Second-Lieutenant
+Combes, deviously thinking to himself with all the superior knowledge
+of youth, "What rotten dispositions these C.O.'s do make!" but
+endeavouring to conceal his feelings by the manipulation of his face
+and a more than usually heavy interspersion of "Sirs" in his
+conversation. The enemy are ill-assorted allies: Captain Parr, a
+dashing player of great courage and very ready tongue, and Lieutenant
+Sumners, one of those grim, earnest fighters whom no event however
+sudden or stupendous can surprise into speech. This latter is a real
+soldier whose life is conducted in every particular on the lines laid
+down in military text-books. He asks himself always, "Is it
+soldierly?" and never "Is it common-sense?" He is at present in
+trouble with his superior officer for having frozen on to his ace of
+trumps long after he should have parted with it. But those text-books
+say, "Keep your best forces in reserve," and so the little trumps must
+needs be put in the firing line first.
+
+As to the other officers of your acquaintance, each is making merry,
+as the season demands, in his own fashion. One is studying, not for
+the first time, a map on the wall showing the inner truth of the
+currents in the Pacific; another is observing, for his information
+and further guidance, the process of manufacture of lead pencils
+as illustrated by samples in a glass-case. Others are being more
+jovial still; having exhausted the pictures and advertisements of
+the sixpenny Society papers, they are now actually reading the
+letter-press. The machine-gun officer, as I gather from his
+occasional remarks, is asleep as usual.
+
+And now the gramophone has ceased; but, alas! Captain d'Arcy has
+begun--on the piano. As I write, the scheme of communication
+between his right and his left flanks has broken down. Like a
+prudent officer, he suspends operations, gives the "stand-fast!" and
+sends out a cautious patrol to reconnoitre the position. He even cedes
+a little of the ground he has gained. Glancing at his music, I must
+admit that he is in a dangerous situation, heavily wooded in the
+treble, with sudden and sharp elevations and depressions in the bass,
+and the possibility of an ambush at every turn. His reconnoitring
+party returns; he starts to move forward again with scouts always in
+advance. He halts; he advances again and proceeds (for he too is a
+trained soldier) by short rushes about five bars at a time.... At
+last the situation develops and he pauses to collect all his
+available forces and get them well in hand. I can almost hear the
+order being passed along the line--"Prepare to charge"--almost
+catch the bugle-call as his ten fingers rush forth to the assault,
+forth to death or glory, to triumph or utter confusion.... As to what
+follows, I have always thought the rally after a charge was an
+anticlimax, even when it consists of a rapid "Rule Britannia!"
+passing off evenly, without a hitch.
+
+I find, looking round my fellow-officers, that I have omitted the
+final touch, the last stirring detail to complete the picture of the
+soldier's hard but eventful life. In the one easy, or easy-ish, chair
+sits the Major, that gallant gentleman whose sole but exacting
+business in life it is to gallop like the devil into the far distance
+when it is rumoured that the battalion will deploy. He sits now at
+leisure, but even at leisure he is not at ease: silent, with every
+nerve and fibre strained to the utmost tension, he crouches over his
+work. He is at his darning; ay, with real wool and a real needle he is
+darning his socks. The colour of his work may not be harmonious, but
+it is a thorough job; he has done what even few women would do, he has
+darned not only the hole in his hosiery but his left hand also.
+
+As for the men, they have been dealt with by a select body under the
+formidable title of the Christmas Festivities Committee. It has
+provided each man with a little beer, a lot of turkey and much too
+much plum pudding. Having disengaged the birds into their separate
+units, it has then left the man to himself for the day, thus showing,
+in my opinion, a wise discretion rarely found in committees, even
+military committees.
+
+  Yours ever,
+  HENRY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Visitor._ "COULD YOU TELL ME WHAT TIME THE TIDE IS UP?"
+
+_Odd job man._ "WELL, SIR, THEY DO EXPECK 'IGH WATER AT
+SIX; BUT THEN YOU KNOW WOT THESE 'ERE RUMOURS ARE NOWADAYS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Exchange, charming country parish, North Yorks. Easy distance
+    sea. Income safe."--_Advt. in "Guardian."_
+
+Yes, but what about the rectory?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: GREAT EXPECTATIONS.
+
+HOW MABEL PICTURED HER BIG BROTHER'S ARRIVAL FOR WEEK-END
+LEAVE FROM THE FRONT.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE RETURN OF THE PRODIGAL.
+
+  I rode into Pincher River on an August afternoon,
+  The pinto's hoofs on the prairie drumming a drowsy tune,
+  By the shacks and the Chinks' truck-gardens to the Athabasca
+          saloon.
+
+  And a bunch of the boys was standing around by the old Scotch
+          store,
+  Standing and spitting and swearing by old Macallister's door--
+  And the name on their lips was Britain--the word that they spoke was
+          War.
+
+  War!... Do you think I waited to talk about wrong or right
+  When I knew my own old country was up to the neck in a fight?
+  I said, "So long!"--and I beat it--"I'm hitting the trail
+          to-night."
+
+  I wasn't long at my packing. I hadn't much time to dress,
+  And the cash I had at disposal was a ten-spot--more or less;
+  So I didn't wait for my ticket; I booked by the Hoboes' Express.
+
+  I rode the bumpers at night-time; I beat the ties in the day;
+  Stealing a ride and bumming a ride all of the blooming way,
+  And--I left the First Contingent drilling at Valcartier!
+
+  I didn't cross in a liner (I hadn't my passage by me!);
+  I spotted a Liverpool cargo tramp, smelly and greasy and grimy,
+  And they wanted hands for the voyage, and the old man guessed he'd
+          try me.
+
+  She kicked like a ballet-dancer or a range-bred bronco mare;
+  She rolled till her engines rattled; she wallowed, but what did I
+          care?
+  It was "Go it, my bucking beauty, if only you take me there!"
+
+  Then came an autumn morning, grey-blue, windy and clear,
+  And the fields--the little white houses--green and peaceful and
+          dear,
+  And the heart inside of me saying, "Take me, Mother, I'm here!
+
+  "Here, for I thought you'd want me; I've brought you all that I
+          own--
+  A lean long lump of a carcass that's mostly muscle and bone,
+  Six-foot-two in my stockings--weigh-in at fourteen stone.
+
+  "Here, and I hope you'll have me; take me for what I'm worth--
+  A chap that's a bit of a waster, come from the ends of the earth
+  To fight with the best that's in him for the dear old land of his
+          birth!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Lady in black._ "Our Jim's killed seven Germans--and he'd
+never killed _ANYONE_ before he went to France!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PEACE-MAKER.
+
+The Anonymous War is not to be followed by an Anonymous Peace. I have
+Twyerley's own authority for this statement.
+
+I may go farther and make public the interesting fact that Twyerley
+himself has the matter in hand, and readers of _The Daily Booster_
+will at an early date receive precise instructions how and where to
+secure Part I. of The History of the Peace before it is out of print.
+It is well known that all publications issuing from that Napoleonic
+brain are out of print within an hour or two of their appearance, but
+Twyerley takes precautions to safeguard readers of _The Booster_
+against any such catastrophic disappointment.
+
+In approaching the Peace problem at this stage Twyerley is displaying
+his customary foresight. The military authorities frustrated
+Twyerley's public-spirited attempt to let the readers of _The Booster_
+into the secret of General JOFFRE'S strategy--ruthlessly suppressing
+his daily column on The Position at the Front. He has resolved that
+the diplomatists shall not repeat the offence; he will be beforehand
+with them.
+
+If Twyerley had been listened to in times of peace there would have
+been no war; the fact is undeniable. Since war has come, however, the
+danger of a patched-up peace must be avoided at all costs. In order
+that there shall be no mistake Twyerley has prepared a map of
+Europe-as-it-must-be-and-shall-be or Twyerley and his myriad readers
+will know the reason why. (The map is presented gratis with Part I. of
+the History and may also be had, varnished and mounted on rollers, for
+clubs and military academies.)
+
+Twyerley at work upon the map is a thrilling spectacle. With his
+remorseless scissors he hovers over Germany and Austria in a way that
+would make the two KAISERS blench. Snip! away goes Alsace-Lorraine and
+a slice of the Palatinate; another snip! and Galicia flutters into the
+arms of Russia.
+
+The History is to be completed in twenty-four parts, if the Allies'
+plenipotentiaries possess the capabilities with which Twyerley credits
+them; but he has prudently provided for extensions in case of need.
+
+Anyway, whether the Treaty of Peace be signed in twelve months or
+twelve years, the final part of the History will go to press on the
+morrow.
+
+Armed with the History, readers of _The Booster_ will be able to
+follow step by step the contest in the council-chamber, when it takes
+place. They will be able to paint the large white map with the special
+box of colours supplied at a small additional cost. That, as Twyerley
+justly observes, is an ideal means of teaching the new geography of
+Europe to children. Even the youngest member of a household where the
+History is taken regularly will be in a position to say what loss of
+territory the KAISERS and Turkey must suffer. (Twyerley had some idea
+of running a Prize Competition on these lines but was reluctant to
+embarrass the Government.)
+
+Several entire chapters will be devoted to "Famous Scraps of Paper"
+from NEBUCHADNEZZAR to the Treaty of Bucharest. Illustrations of
+unique interest have been secured. For instance, the Peace of
+Westphalia carries a reproduction of the original document, portraits
+and biographies of the signatories, and a statistical table of the
+Westphalian ham industry. Similarly, the Treaty of Utrecht is
+accompanied by a view of that interesting town and several pages of
+original designs for Utrecht velvet.
+
+Thus, what Twyerley calls "the human interest" is amply catered for.
+
+The section "International Law for the Million" presents its subject
+in a novel tabloid form, as exhaustive as it is entertaining. I know
+for a fact that an army of clerks has been engaged at the British
+Museum for some weeks looking up the data.
+
+Following the part which contains concise accounts of every European
+nation from the earliest times, comes "Points for Plenipotentiaries,"
+occupying several entire numbers. Here is where the genius of Twyerley
+shines at its brightest, and personally I think that the British
+representatives at the Peace Congress should be provided beforehand
+with these invaluable pages. With Twyerley at their elbows, so to
+speak, they should be equal to the task of checkmating the wily
+foreigner.
+
+I wish the KAISER could see Twyerley scissoring his territory to
+shreds!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A VOICE IN THE NIGHT.
+
+I dislike many things--snakes, for example, and German spies, and the
+income tax, and cold fat mutton; but even more than any of these I
+dislike William Smith.
+
+As all the world knows, special constables hunt in couples at nights,
+a precaution adopted in order that, if either of the two is slain in
+the execution of his duty, the other may be in a position to report on
+the following morning the exact hour and manner of his decease, thus
+satisfying the thirst of the authorities for the latest information,
+and relieving his departed companion's relatives of further anxiety in
+regard to his fate.
+
+William Smith is the special constable who hunts with me. As to whom
+or what we are hunting, or what we should do to them or they would do
+to us if we caught them or they caught us, we are rather vague; but we
+endeavour to carry out our duty. Our total bag to date has been one
+Royal Mail, and even him we merely let off with a caution.
+
+Three days ago, by an unfortunate coincidence, William Smith overtook
+me at the end of the High Street, just as our sergeant was coming
+round the corner in the opposite direction. At sight of the latter we
+halted, dropped our parcels in the mud, stiffened to attention and
+saluted. The last was a thing we ought not to have done, even allowing
+for his leggings, which were (and are still) of a distinctly
+upper-military type. But in the special constabulary your sergeant is
+a man to be placated. His powers are enormous. He can, if he likes,
+spoil your beauty sleep at both ends by detailing you for duty from 12
+to 4 A.M.; or, on the other hand, he can forget you altogether for a
+fortnight. Thus we always avoid meeting him if possible; failing that,
+we always salute him.
+
+"Ha!" exclaimed our sergeant.
+
+We shuddered, and William Smith, who is smaller than myself, tried to
+escape his gaze by forming two deep.
+
+"What the devil are you playing at?" growled our sergeant. Though one
+of the more prominent sidesmen at our local church, he has developed
+quite the manner of an officer, almost, at times, I like to think, of
+a general officer. William Smith formed single rank again.
+
+Our sergeant took out his notebook. "I'm glad I happened to meet you
+two," he said.
+
+We shivered, but otherwise remained at attention.
+
+"Let me see," he went on, consulting his list, "you are on together
+again to-morrow night at 12."
+
+It was the last straw. Forgetting his rank, forgetting his leggings,
+forgetting the possibilities of his language, forgetting myself, I
+spoke.
+
+"I protest," I said.
+
+The eyes of our sergeant bulged with wrath, pushing his pince-nez off
+his nose and causing them to clatter to the pavement. But a special
+constable is a man of more than ordinary courage. "Allow me," I
+murmured, and I stooped, picked them up and handed them back to him.
+
+"Explain yourself," he muttered hoarsely.
+
+"For the past three months," I said, "I have endured fifty-six of
+the darkest hours of the night, cut off from any possibility of
+human aid, in the company of William Smith, a conversational
+egoist of the lowest and most determined type. Throughout this
+period he has inflicted on me atrocities before which those of the
+Germans pale into insignificance. During the first month he described
+to me in detail the achievements and diseases from birth upwards of
+all his children--a revolting record. He next proceeded to deal
+exhaustively with the construction and working of his gramophone,
+his bathroom geyser, his patent knife-machine and his vacuum
+carpet-cleaner; also with his methods of drying wet boots, marking his
+under-linen, circumventing the water-rate collector and inducing
+fertility in reluctant pullets. This brought us to the middle of
+November. Finally, during the last four weeks he has wandered into
+the ramifications of his wife's early-Victorian family tree, of
+which we are still in the lower branches.
+
+"I cannot retaliate in kind. I have no children, poultry, pedigree
+wives, nor any of the other articles, except boots and shirts, in
+which the soul of William Smith rejoices. There is but one remedy open
+to me, and of this, unless you detail me for duty with someone else, I
+propose to avail myself at the first convenient opportunity. I shall
+kill William Smith."
+
+I stopped and saluted again.
+
+And then a wonderful thing happened. I discovered that beneath our
+sergeant's military leggings there still beat the rudiments of a human
+heart. Yes, as I looked at him I saw his softened eyes suffused with
+sympathetic tears.
+
+"My poor fellow!" he said in a broken voice.
+
+It was too much. I sank to the pavement, saluting as I fell, and knew
+no more. When I recovered consciousness in hospital I found in the
+pocket of my coat an envelope containing the following: "Promoted to
+the rank of corporal and invalided for three weeks, after which you
+will take duty with your chauffeur."
+
+William Smith and I have severed diplomatic relations. It is better
+so.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+REJECTED OFFERINGS.
+
+MY DEAR _Mr. Punch_,--In these first few days after Christmas many of
+your readers are no doubt faced, as we have been, with a problem which
+is quite new to them. I hope they took the precaution--as we did--to
+write and explain to all likely givers (1) that this was no year for
+the exchange of Christmas gifts among grown-up people who have no need
+for them; (2) that it was the opinion of all right-thinking persons
+that no such gifts should be sent, and (3) that consequently they were
+sending none and hoped to receive none.
+
+That is all right as far as it goes, but the problem remains of what
+is to be done with those people who can't be stopped? We have had
+several painful instances of this sort. The stuff has arrived, the
+usual sort of non-war stuff, some of which must have cost quite a lot
+of money, of which it may with truth be said, "your King and Country
+need you." How were these things to be dealt with, since we felt that
+we could not keep them?
+
+We found that no general treatment could be applied; we have had to
+sort them out into groups, before deflecting them into the proper
+courses.
+
+_Books_ to hospitals. In this case the matron is asked to acknowledge
+them direct to the original giver.
+
+_Smoking Accessories_ (such as the newest pipe-filler and match-striker
+and cigarette-case-opener and pouch-unfolder and cigar-holder-grip),
+to the nearest male Belgian; and
+
+_All other portable presents_ to the nearest female Belgian. (These
+two classes may be neatly acknowledged in the columns of the _Courier
+Belge_.)
+
+_All larger presents_ (of the motor-car, pianola and sewing-machine
+variety) to be sold by auction for the National Relief Fund. Marked
+catalogue of the sale to be sent to the giver in proof of their safe
+arrival.
+
+  Yours, etc.,
+  AN ORDINARY ENGLISHMAN.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Officer (instructing recruits in signalling)._ "DIDN'T
+YOU GET THAT MESSAGE?"
+
+_Recruit._ "YES, SIR: 'THREE TAUBS AND A ZEPLIN COMIN' OVER THE 'ILL.'"
+
+_Officer._ "THEN WHY THE DEUCE DIDN'T YOU SEND IT ON?"
+
+_Recruit._ "WELL, SIR, I COULDN'T 'ARDLY BELIEVE IT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Surveyor reported that the owners of the manure heaps by
+    the Recreation Ground Tennis Courts had by now been covered
+    over with seaweed, etc., thus complying with the Council's
+    wishes."--_Barmouth Advertiser._
+
+We hope this will be a lesson to them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The usual formula for beginning a letter is thus neatly rendered by a
+Hottentot Boy:--
+
+    "As I have a line to state just to let you know that I am
+    still soluberious under the superiority of the Supreme-Being,
+    hoping to hear the same likewise from you."
+
+We recommend it very heartily as a good opening for New Year's Eve
+correspondence.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE IMPERIAL INFANTICIDE.
+
+  It was a mighty Emperor
+    Of ancient pedigree
+  Who said, "The future of our race
+    Lies on the rolling sea!"
+  And straightway laboured to fulfil
+    His royal guarantee.
+
+  And when the Day had dawned, for which
+    He long had toiled and planned,
+  Unto his Grand High Admiral
+    He issued his command:
+  "Go forth, and smite the enemy
+    Upon his native strand."
+
+  Sailing by night and veiled in mist,
+    His swiftest ships of war
+  Rained death on two defenceless towns
+    For half an hour or more,
+  Till they had slain and wounded babes
+    And women by the score.
+
+  The Fatherland was filled with joy
+    By this heroic deed;
+  It gloated o'er the slaughtered babes
+    Of Albion's hated breed;
+  And Iron Crosses fell in showers
+    On those who'd made them bleed.
+
+  But honest neutrals everywhere
+    Were sickened and dismayed;
+  The Turk, not squeamish as a rule,
+    No special glee betrayed;
+  And even Mr. BERNARD SHAW
+    Failed to defend the raid!
+
+  Then more in sorrow than in wrath
+    The EMPEROR made moan:
+  "Though martyred and misunderstood
+    I tread my way alone,
+  At least I have the sympathy
+    Of God on His high throne."
+
+  Then from the pillar and the cloud
+    Came accents clear and plain:
+  "The Massacre of Innocents
+    Passes the guilt of CAIN;
+  And those who sin with HEROD earn
+    His everlasting stain."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Two announcements at Hereford:--
+
+        "Cathedral Service, Sunday, Dec. 13th.
+            Preacher: Rev. H. M. Spooner.
+
+                   Baptist Chapel.
+    Lecture: 'Slips of Speech and Trips in Type.'"
+
+"Yes," said the President of New College on his way to the Cathedral,
+"I know something about slips of speech, but what _are_ tips in
+tripe?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE NEW ARMY TO THE FRONT.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NEXT?
+
+BOMBARDMENT OF LITTLE SHRIMPINGTON BY THE GERMAN FLEET.
+
+(_Extract from a Report by the German Admiral._)
+
+_Battle-cruiser_ "_Von Herod_."
+
+SIR,--With regard to the recent magnificent and hoch-compelling
+exploit of the Imperial Squadron I have the honour to report as
+follows:--
+
+Our battle-cruisers sighted the strongly-fortified sea-coast town of
+Little Shrimpington about 12.45, and at once opened a devastating
+fire. A hostile abbey, situated in a commanding position at the cliff
+top, and quite unmistakable (as at Whitby), was the first to fall. The
+shelling of this edifice, to which I learn that the Christians attach
+considerable importance, for some reason that I am unable to
+comprehend, cannot fail to produce lively satisfaction among our brave
+allies at Constantinople.
+
+Next turning our guns upon the golf links, in fifteen rounds we put
+out of action a nine-hole course for ladies. Much confusion was
+observed here amongst the enemy; the presence of troops being proved
+by the movement of several bodies in bright scarlet. It is conjectured
+from this that the supply of khaki is already exhausted.
+
+Magnificent execution was done upon the extensive sand castles with
+which the foreshore was covered, and for which indeed it is renowned
+throughout the island. Our heavy armament was in every case enabled to
+demolish these, at the same time slaughtering the children and nurses
+responsible for them. It is to be admitted however that at a more
+favourable season of the year the execution here, good as it was,
+would have been considerably better.
+
+Altogether some five hundred shells were fired, as recently at
+Scarborough, and there can be no doubt that the enemy's casualties, in
+women especially, must be very considerable. In addition, he is known
+to have lost heavily in bathing-machines, and several super-rowing
+boats were seen to sink at their moorings.
+
+Throughout the action the entire absence of any return fire had a most
+heartening effect upon the personnel of the Imperial fleet, who were
+thus enabled to work under what may be called conditions ideal to the
+German fighting spirit. I cannot refrain from expressing my sense of
+how greatly the magnificent result of the action was due to the
+patriotic foresight of my chief officer, Fire-direktor Von Ketch, who,
+having met with a motor accident when touring in England so lately as
+last spring at the gates of Shrimpington Hall, had the good fortune to
+be the guest for several weeks of the Frau Squire and her daughters.
+Not only was the information thus obtained of the greatest assistance
+in the general conduct of the operations, but we were enabled to place
+our first six-inch shell exactly on the dining-room of the Hall at an
+hour when the occupants were almost certainly assembled for lunch.
+
+The entire action occupied twenty-five minutes, and concluded with the
+approach of the British patrol, when, acting in accordance with the
+dictates of Imperial policy, we ran like hares. So satisfactory has
+been this glorious and civilian-sanguinary encounter that our brave
+fellows are now eager to try conclusions with the bath-chairs of
+Bournemouth or the lobster-pots of Llandudno. It is indeed with true
+sentiments of fraternal pride that the Imperial Navy is now able to
+place the torn fragments of the Hague Convention beside those of the
+Treaties so gloriously deleted by our brothers of the Imperial Army.
+
+I have the honour to be, Sir, etc., etc.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _First Urchin (to Captain who has just bought a new
+motor-horn)._ "CARRY YER PARCEL, COLONEL?"
+
+_Second ditto (in a hoarse whisper)._ "GARN! CAN'T YER SEE 'E'S A
+BUGLER?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Note.--A kilometre is, roughly, five-fifths of a
+    mile."--_Newcastle Evening Chronicle._
+
+The Press Bureau, while not objecting....
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VICTORINE.
+
+Victorine, our new general, is a Belgian refugee. She was naturally
+somewhat broken in spirit on first entering our establishment, but as
+the days went by she became happier, and so enterprising and
+ingratiating that we hastened to smother in its infancy a shameful
+doubt as to whether or not we had introduced into our sympathetic
+bosoms a potential viper. Morning, noon and night there was continuous
+scrubbing, polishing and beeswaxing; at all moments one was meeting a
+pink and breathless Victorine, and the house echoed to an interminable
+stream of information in the French tongue.
+
+At mealtime, the verdict having been duly pronounced on each
+successive dish, Victorine would stand by while we ate, and unburden
+herself confidentially. 'Mon mari' (Jean Baptiste, a co-refugee who
+had searched all London for a place as _valet de chambre_) was lightly
+touched upon. Belgium was described in glowing terms, a land of
+wonders we had not dreamt of.
+
+"Miss will not believe me, but when first we arrive in England all the
+world cries, 'Oh! regard then the little sheep!' For Mademoiselle must
+know that in Belgium the sheep are high and big as that" (Victorine
+sketches in the air the dimensions of a good-sized donkey). "Monsieur
+mocks himself of me? Monsieur should visit my _pays_ where dwell the
+sheep of a bigness and a fatness to rejoice the heart, and whose wool
+is of a softness incredible; Monsieur would not then smile thus in his
+beard." Victorine assumes an attitude of virtuous indignation,
+disturbed by the ringing of the telephone bell.
+
+"I save myself," she murmurs.
+
+Through the half-open door we hear as usual only scraps of dialogue,
+all on one side, and very unsatisfying.
+
+"Alloa! J'écoute! Madame, je ne parle que le français--hein?" Long
+pause. "Alloa! Alloa!" Victorine rattles the instrument impatiently.
+"Ah! ça y est! Si Madame désire que j'appelle Miss----? Quel nom?
+Hein? Meesus Tsch--arch--kott. Mon Dieu----"
+
+Victorine lays down the receiver and comes back flushed into the
+room.
+
+"C'est Meesus Arch-tsch-kott qui demande Miss au téléphone. She desire
+to know if Miss will take the dinner with her. Are they difficult
+these English names!"
+
+But English names are not Victorine's sole difficulty. She wrestles
+(mentally) from time to time with the butcher and the baker and the
+milkman. The milkman, it seems, is "un peu fou." Victorine greets him
+in the mornings in voluble French, and he in return bows elaborately
+and pretends to drop the milk. We have watched the process from an
+upper window. Victorine takes a step backward, her hand flies to her
+heart, and, as she afterwards informs us, "her blood gives but a turn"
+at this exhibition of British wit. We have been wondering whether it
+would be judicious to teach her to say, "Get along with yer."
+
+She is very prolific in "ideas," and seems to be chiefly inspired when
+engaged in the uncongenial pastime of cleaning the grate.
+
+"Know you, Miss, that I have an idea, me?"
+
+"No, really, Victorine."
+
+"Yes," says Victorine, mournfully shaking her head, "but only an
+idea." Victorine lays down her implements and places her hands on her
+hips. "If," she says slowly, "this Meesus Schmeet who was with Mr. and
+Miss before my arrival was a German spy, hein?"
+
+"But why, Victorine?"
+
+Victorine assumes an air of owl-like wisdom.
+
+"See here," she says, placing the forefinger of one hand on the thumb
+of the other, "first she depart to care for the niece who is
+suffering--it is generally the mother, but that imports not. Then,"
+counting along her fingers, "during three months she is absent, and,
+thirdly," sinking her voice, "she sends for her _malles_, which
+contain doubtless--who knows?--plans of London, designs of the
+fortresses, and perhaps a telegraphy without wires--Marconi, what do I
+know? Mademoiselle must admit that it has the air droll?"
+
+We do our best to allay Victorine's anxiety. She however is not at all
+convinced, and evidently reserves to herself full liberty of action to
+protect us from German espionage and the effects of our own
+guilelessness at a later date.
+
+In the rare moments when not at work she is pensive, but her
+imagination is by no means at rest. She gazes languidly out of the
+window into "_ce brouillard_," as she fondly calls a slight morning
+mist. The sparrows interest her.
+
+"See, Miss, a sparrow who carries a piece of bread big as a house; is
+it then an English sparrow that accomplishes such prodigies?"
+
+Not quite fathoming the drift of Victorine's meditations we suggest
+that it is perhaps a Belgian refugee sparrow, at which her amusement
+is so intense that she is obliged to leave the room.
+
+Sometimes her fancy takes great flights, for she is very high-minded.
+Her weekly bath gives rise to much lofty philosophical reflection, and
+she has come to the firm conclusion that it is "mieux que manger."
+Also she has great taste, of which she occasionally gives us the
+benefit. She laughs scornfully at certain _objets d'art_ and praises
+others. Ornaments, if they meet with her approval, are arranged in
+rigid lines of continuous beauty, less favoured ones being pushed into
+the background, and books are disposed with assumed carelessness in
+thoughtful postures. Though it is plain she thinks little of our taste
+in general, her disapproval is usually silent. It is therefore with
+almost choking pride that we receive her praise, though it is often,
+we fear, of a disingenuous nature.
+
+"It is plain that Miss has the eye artistic: that sees itself well in
+the new basin she has bought to replace the one that fell by hazard
+and burst itself. Monsieur also has the eye straight. In effect the
+picture there that Monsieur designs is of a justness, but of a
+justness! One would say the place itself," leaning back and half
+closing her eyes. "In Belgium could it not be better done. No. It is
+I, Victorine, who say it. If Monsieur has the false digestion, by
+contrary it is evident that he has the head solid."
+
+But Victorine has a fault dark and grievous in the British eye. She
+jibs at fresh air.
+
+"Surely Mr., and above all Miss, will take a congestion with the
+window grand-open of that fashion? As for me I have the neuralgias to
+make fear! Figure to yourself that in the kitchen the three windows
+(where one would well suffice, go) if open make to pass a hurricane!"
+
+A short lecture follows, in which the ill effects of stuffiness are
+pointed out, and Victorine is reduced to unconvinced and mutinous
+silence. As the days pass a little acquiescence in "cette manie pour
+les courants d'air" is visible, but at the slightest approach of cold
+every aperture through which air may possibly find its way is
+surreptitiously closed, and it is only when she is out with her
+husband taking a walk or refreshing the inner man in a "café" with "un
+peu de stoot" that we can penetrate by stealth into her bedroom and
+air it.
+
+Jean Baptiste is for the moment in disgrace because he has not been to
+see Victorine for a week. He is threatened with all sorts of penalties
+when he finally decides to present himself. Primarily Victorine is
+going to present him with _savon_, which appears in the vernacular to
+be the Belgian equivalent for beans. She is also going to wash him the
+head.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _First Old Dame._ "WELL, MY DEAR, AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING
+FOR THE COUNTRY?"
+
+_Second ditto._ "I AM KNITTING SOCKS FOR THE TROOPS."
+
+_First Old Dame (robustly)._ "KNITTING! _I_ AM LEARNING TO SHOOT!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+_Sir John Lubbock_, whose Life, by Mr. HORACE HUTCHINSON, MACMILLAN
+publishes in two volumes, was one of the most honourable men who
+figured in public life during the last half-century. He was also one
+of the most widely honoured. Under his name on the title-page of the
+book appears a prodigious paragraph in small type enumerating the high
+distinctions bestowed upon him by British and foreign literary and
+scientific bodies. Forestalling the leisure of a bank-holiday I have
+counted the list and find it contains no fewer than fifty-two high
+distinctions, one for every week of the year. These were won not by
+striking genius or brilliant talent. Sir JOHN LUBBOCK, to preserve a
+name which the crowning honour of the peerage did not displace in the
+public mind, was by nature and daily habit constitutionally
+industrious. After Eton he joined his father's banking business. In
+his diary under date Christmas Day, 1852, being the nineteenth year of
+his age, he gives an account of how he spends his day. It is too long
+to quote, but, beginning by "getting up at half-past six," it includes
+steady reading in natural history, poetry, political economy, science,
+mathematics and German. Breakfast, luncheon and tea are mentioned in
+due course; but there is no reference to dinner or supper. These
+functions were doubtless regarded by the young student as frivolous
+waste of time.
+
+I knew LUBBOCK personally during his long membership of the House of
+Commons. He had neither grace of diction nor charm of oratory. But he
+had a way of getting Bills through all their stages which exceeded the
+average attained by more attractive speakers. In his references to
+Parliamentary life he mentions that GLADSTONE, when he proposed to
+abolish the Income Tax, told him that he intended to meet the
+deficiency partly by increase of the death duties. That was a
+fundamental principle of the Budget Lord RANDOLPH CHURCHILL prepared
+during his brief Chancellorship of the Exchequer. It was left to Sir
+WILLIAM HARCOURT to realise the fascinating scheme, later to be
+extended by Mr. LLOYD GEORGE. Another of Lord RANDOLPH'S personally
+unfulfilled schemes was the introduction of one-pound notes. In a
+letter dated 16th December, 1886, he confidentially communicated his
+project to LUBBOCK. When his book reaches its second edition Mr.
+HUTCHINSON will have an opportunity of correcting a misapprehension
+set forth on page 48. He writes that, on June 21st, 1895, "all were
+startled by an announcement that Mr. GLADSTONE had resigned and that
+Parliament was to be dissolved." The surprise was not unnatural since
+Lord ROSEBERY was Prime Minister at this memorable crisis.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I can see some good in most people, but none whatever in those
+chairmen of meetings who, being put up to introduce distinguished
+speakers, thoroughly well worth listening to, feel called upon to
+delay matters by making lengthy speeches themselves. I propose to be
+quite brief in announcing PROFESSOR STEPHEN LEACOCK on _Arcadian
+Adventures with the Idle Rich_ (LANE). Conceive this arch-humourist
+let loose, if so rough a term may be applied to so delicate a wit,
+among the sordid and fleshly plutocracy of a progressive American
+city; imagine his polished satire expending itself on such playful
+themes as the running of fashionable churches on strictly commercial
+lines, dogma and ritualism being so directed and adapted as to leave
+the largest possible dividends on the Special Offertory Cumulative
+Stock, and your appetite will be whetted for an intellectual feast of
+the most delicious flavour. For myself, I found a certain quiet but
+intense delight in the first five stories, episodes in the lives of
+individual billionaires; but when I came to the last three, which
+dealt with the class as a collective whole, then I became frankly
+and noisily hilarious. I am not given to being tiresome in the
+reading-room; it is another of the unforgivable offences; but I
+defy any man of intelligence to read those chapters and retain even
+a fair remnant of self-control.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Lighter Side of School Life_ (FOULIS) is one of the merriest and
+shrewdest books that I have met for a long time. Mr. IAN HAY
+pleasantly dedicates his work "to the members of the most responsible,
+the least advertised, the worst paid, and the most richly rewarded
+profession in the world"; and you will not have turned two pages
+before discovering that the writer of them knows pretty thoroughly
+what he is writing about. For my own part I claim to have some
+experience both of schoolmasters and boys, and I can say at once that
+the former at least have seldom been dealt with more faithfully than
+by Mr. HAY. His chapter on "Some Form Masters" is a thing of the
+purest joy; bitingly true, yet withal of a kindly sympathy with his
+victims. One would say that he knows boys as well, were it not for the
+conviction that to imagine any kind of understanding of Boydom is (if
+my contemporaries will forgive me) the last enchantment of the
+middle-aged, and the most fallacious. As for the Educational experts,
+he has all the cold and calculated hate for them that is the mark of
+experience. I admired especially his treatment of the "craze for
+practical teaching," the theory which holds, for example, that,
+instead of postulating a fixed relation between the circumference of a
+circle and its diameter, a teacher should supply his boys with several
+ordinary tin canisters, a piece of string and a ruler, and leave the
+form to work out their own result. Decidedly, Mr. HAY has seen _The
+Lighter Side of School Life_ with the eye of knowledge; and when I
+mention that your own eyes will here encounter a dozen pictures by Mr.
+LEWIS BAUMER at his delightful best--well, I suppose, enough said.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "KAISER BACK TO THE FRONT."
+
+(ATTEMPTED ILLUSTRATION TO A RECENT POSTER OF THE EVENING
+PRESS.)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+At one time, I hope for ever gone, Mr. PERCY WHITE'S sense of irony
+ran away with him. He seemed to have said to himself, "I can write
+witty dialogue and I have a shrewd eye for foibles, and if you are not
+satisfied with that you can take it or leave it." I for one took it,
+but always with a feeling that he was offering me a sparkling wine of
+a quality not first-rate, whereas with a little more trouble and
+expense he could have offered me an unimpeachable brand. Now that
+_Cairo_ (CONSTABLE) has provided me with what I have been waiting for,
+I am more than delighted to present my acknowledgments. Mr. WHITE'S
+subject is pat to the moment; moreover it is handled with such
+unobtrusive skill that one absorbs a serious problem without being
+anxiously conscious that all the play of intrigue and adventure is
+covering a much deeper motive. When Mr. WHITE sent _Daniel Addington_
+to Egypt to meet _Abdul Sayed_, who had been at Oxford and was a
+leader of the Young Egyptian party, he gave himself a chance of which
+he has taken full advantage. It is true that _Addington_ cried a pest
+on all politics as soon as he fell a victim to the charms of _Ann
+Donne_, a widow of excessive sprightliness; but by that time he was
+too deeply enmeshed in the nets of intrigue to escape the just reward
+of those amateurs who dabble with critical situations. _Abdul_
+regarded him as a "milksop," and so he was from _Abdul's_ full-blooded
+point of view; but I can also see in him a fresh testimony to the
+courage of our race. For he married the widow _Ann_, and that was a
+very plucky thing to do.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The only thing that I didn't like about _Molly, My Heart's Delight_
+(SMITH, ELDER) was the title. But to allow yourself to be put off by
+this will be to miss one of the pleasantest books of the season. What
+I might call true fiction has always held a peculiar charm for me. In
+the present work that clever writer, KATHARINE TYNAN, has been lucky
+and astute enough to find an ideal heroine, ready made to her
+hand, in the person of the charming woman who married DEAN DELANY.
+Upon the basis of her diaries and letters the romance has been built
+up, with the excellent result of a blend of art and actuality that
+is most engaging. _Molly_ is the gayest of creatures in her girlhood.
+We see her character develop gradually, tamed and half broken by
+her unhappy first marriage (an episode exquisitely treated, so that
+even the ugly side of it bears yet some precious jewels of charity
+and long-suffering), tried in the fire of romantic adoration, and
+finally reaching its appointed destiny in the comradeship with
+"kind, tender, faithful D.D." Lovers of diaries and memoirs,
+equally with those who like a graceful tale well told, will find what
+they want here, from the moment when its heroine goes, a girl-bride,
+to the romantically gloomy house of Rhoscrow, to that other moment
+when the placid mistress of the Deanery hears of the death of
+_Bellamy_, the man whom all her life she really loved. This book of
+_Molly_ should be a "heart's delight" to many.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "ARIZONA BILL VIOLATES TREATIES."--_New York Times._
+
+So does Potsdam BILL.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PUNCH IN THE TRENCHES.
+
+_Mr. Punch_ drew another letter from the heap on his office-desk and
+opened it.
+
+_Polwheedle, Cornwall._
+
+DEAR _Mr. Punch_,--An amusing incident happened here yesterday. I was
+talking to an old countryman, a great character in the village, and I
+happened to make some remark about the War. "What war?" asked old
+Jarge. "The European War," I answered in surprise. "Well," he said,
+"they've got a fine day for it." I thought this would interest you.
+
+  Yours etc.,
+  JOHN BROWN.
+
+"Two hundred and eighteen," said _Mr. Punch_ to himself, and took the
+next letter from the heap.
+
+_Wortleberry, Sussex._
+
+Mr. William Smith presents his compliments to _Mr. Punch_ and begs to
+send him the following dialogue which occurred in this village
+yesterday:--
+
+_Myself._ "Well, what do you think of the War, Jarge?"
+
+_Jarge._ "What war?"
+
+_Myself (surprised)._ "The European War."
+
+_Jarge._ "They've got a fine day for it, anyhow."
+
+Mr. Smith thought you would like this.
+
+"Two hundred and nineteen," said _Mr. Punch_ to himself, "not counting
+the South African or Crimean ones." He sighed and selected a third
+letter.
+
+_Sporransprock, Kirkcudbrightshire._
+
+DEAR _Mr. Punch_,--How's this? I asked a native what he thought of the
+War. On being told which war, he replied, "Eh, mon, ye ken, but
+they've got a gran'----"
+
+At this point _Mr. Punch_ rose from his chair and began to pace the
+room restlessly.
+
+"There must be more in life than this," he said to himself again and
+again; "this can't be all."
+
+He looked at his watch.
+
+"Yes," he murmured, "that's it. I shall just have time."
+
+Hastily donning the military overcoat of an Honorary Cornet-Major of
+the Bouverie Street Roughriders, he left for the Front.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mud, and then again mud, and then very much more mud.
+
+"Halt! Who goes there?" "Friend," said _Mr. Punch_ hopefully. "It's
+_Mr. Punch_," said a cheerful voice. "Come in."
+
+The Cornet-Major of the B.S.R. glissaded into the trench and found
+himself shaking hands with a very young subaltern of the ----th ----s.
+[_Censored._]
+
+"Thought I recognised you," he said. "Glad to see you out here, Sir."
+
+"That's really what I came about," said _Mr. Punch_. "I want your
+advice."
+
+"My advice! Good Lord!... Sure you're comfortable there? Now what'll
+you have? Cigar or barley-sugar?" _Mr. Punch_ accepted a cigar.
+
+"We're all for barley-sugar ourselves just now," the subaltern went
+on. "Seems kiddish, but there it is."
+
+_Mr. Punch_ lit his cigar and proceeded to explain himself.
+
+"I say that I have come to consult you," he began. "It seems strange,
+you think. I am seventy-three, and you are----"
+
+"Twenty-two," said the subaltern. "Next November."
+
+"And yet Seventy-three comes here to sit at the feet of Twenty-two,
+and for every encouraging word that Twenty-two offers him Seventy-three
+will say 'Thank you!'"
+
+"Rats," said Twenty-two for a start.
+
+"Let me explain," said the Venerable One. "There come moments in the
+life of every man when he says suddenly to himself, 'What am I doing?
+Is it worth it?'--a moment when the work of which he has for years
+been proud seems all at once to be of no value whatever." The
+subaltern murmured something. "No, not necessarily indigestion. There
+may be other causes. Well, such a moment has just come to me ... and I
+wondered." He hesitated, and then added wistfully, "Perhaps you could
+say something to help me."
+
+"The pen," said the subaltern, coughing slightly, "is mightier than
+the sword."
+
+"It is," said the Sage. "I've often said so ... in Peace time."
+
+The subaltern blushed as he searched his mind for the Historic
+Example.
+
+"Didn't WOLFE say that he would rather have written what's-its-name
+than taken Quebec?" he asked hesitatingly.
+
+"Yes, he did. And for most of his life the poet would have agreed with
+him. But, if at the moment when he read of the taking of Quebec you
+had asked GRAY, I think he would have changed places with WOLFE very
+willingly.... And in Bouverie Street," added _Mr. Punch_, "we read of
+the takings of Quebecs almost every day."
+
+The subaltern was thoughtful for a moment.
+
+"I'll tell you a true story," he said quietly. "There was a man in
+this trench who had his leg shot off. They couldn't get him away till
+night, and here he had to wait for the whole of the day.... He stuck
+it out.... And what do you think he stuck it out on?"
+
+"Morphia?" suggested _Mr. Punch_.
+
+"Partly on morphia, and partly on--something else."
+
+"Yes?" said _Mr. Punch_ breathlessly.
+
+"Yes--_you_. He read ... and he laughed ... and by-and-by the night
+came."
+
+A silence came over them both. Then _Mr. Punch_ got up quietly.
+
+"Good-bye," he said, holding out his hand, "and thank you. That moment
+I spoke about seems to have gone." He took a book from under his arm
+and placed it in the other's hands. "I generally give this away with
+rather a flourish," he confessed. "This time I'll just say, 'Will you
+take it?' It's all there; all that I think and hope and dream, and
+that you out here are doing.... Good luck to you--and let me help some
+more of you to stick it out."
+
+And with that he returned to Bouverie Street, leaving behind in the
+trench his
+
+[Illustration: One Hundred and Forty-Seventh Volume.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: INDEX]
+
+Cartoons.
+
+  PARTRIDGE, BERNARD.
+    At the Post of Honour, 203
+    Children's Truce (The), 519
+    Chronic Complaint (A), 459
+    Eagle Comique (The), 419
+    Emergency Exit (The), 11
+    Excursionist (The), 379
+    Giving the Show Away, 319
+    Glorious Example (A), 399
+    God (and the Women) our Shield, 223
+    Hail! Russia, 243
+    Killed, 499
+    King at the Front (The), 479
+    Masterpiece in the Making (A), 51
+    Mutual Service, 131
+    New Army to the Front (The), 539
+    Pattern of Chivalry (A), 439
+    Plain Duty (A), 359
+    Resort to the Obvious (A), 91
+    Road to Russia (The), 299
+    Triumph of "Culture" (The), 185
+    Unconquerable, 339
+    What of the Dawn?, 111
+    World's Enemy (The), 167
+
+  RAVEN-HILL, L.
+    At Durazzo-super-Mare, 83
+    Beaten on Points, 23
+    Carrying on, 431
+    Coming of the Cossacks (The), 177
+    Cool Stuff, 123
+    Dishonoured, 531
+    Forewarned, 371
+    For Friendship and Honour, 151
+    Fulfilment, 511
+    Good Hunting, 411
+    Greater Game (The), 331
+    Great Goth (The), 281
+    Great Illusion (The), 263
+    His Master's Voice, 391
+    India for the King, 215
+    Innocent (The), 471
+    Joseph Chamberlain, 71
+    Limit (The), 351
+    Made in Germany, 235
+    North Sea Chantey (A), 311
+    Political Jungle (The), 40-41
+    Power Behind (The), 103
+    Sinews of War (The), 491
+    To Arms, 195
+    Well Met, 161
+    When the Ships come Home, 3
+
+  TOWNSEND, F. H.
+    Boer and Briton Too, 273
+    Bravo, Belgium, 143
+    Incorrigibles (The), 291
+    Liberal Cave-Men (The), 63
+    Men of Few Words, 451
+    Nothing Doing, 255
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Articles.
+
+  BOYLE, W. P.
+    In Memory, 280
+
+  BRIGHTWELL, L. R.
+    Another Misjudged Alien, 465
+    Notes by a War Dog, 385
+
+  BROWN, C. HILTON
+    Cottage (The), 138
+    Little Brother, 495
+
+  CALDECOTT, H. S.
+    Paris Again, 426
+
+  CAMPBELL, A. Y.
+    Stick to it, Right Wing, 335
+
+  CHALMERS, P. R.
+    At the Tower, 62
+    Bees (The), 121
+    Fact and Fable, 110
+    Fan, 435
+    Guns of Verdun, 202
+    Infantry, 222
+    In the City, 181
+    Jules François, 315
+    Kings from the East, 260
+    Kitty Adair, 98
+    Lady's Walk (The), 377
+    Prima Donna (The), 31
+    Southdowns (The), 343
+    Steeple (The), 279
+    To Limehouse, 251
+    Wilhelm, 348
+    Wireless, 395
+
+  COBB, MISS J.
+    Willow Pattern Plate (The), 503
+
+  COCHRANE, A.
+    Sporting Despatch (A), 464
+    Tirpitz Touch (The), 242
+
+  COLLINS, G. H.
+    To a Super-Patriot, 413
+
+  CRESWELL, BULKELEY
+    Rubbing It In, 56
+
+  DARK, RICHARD
+    Love's Labour Not Lost, 474
+    Voice in the Night (A), 536
+
+  DAVEY, NORMAN
+    R.G.A. 536
+
+  DRENNAN, W. ST. G.
+    Docthor's War Speech (The), 424
+    Tommy Brown, Auctioneer, 466
+    Tommy Brown, Patriot, 394
+    Tommy Brown, Recruiting Sergeant, 330
+
+  DUFFIELD, E. N.
+    Silvern Tongue (The), 268
+
+  DUFFIN, MISS
+    Barbara's Birthday Bear, 524
+
+  ECKERSLEY, ARTHUR
+    Cutting Down, 268
+    New News (The), 179
+    Next (The), 541
+    Pacificist (The), 238
+
+  EDEN, MRS. H. P.
+    Prize (The), 521
+
+  ELIAS, F.
+    How Germany Came Off, 194
+    How War is "Made in Germany", 163
+    Mails for a Mailed Fist, 498
+    Sound and Fury, 279
+    Why I Don't Enlist, 410
+    Works of Kultur, 341
+
+  EMANUEL, WALTER
+    Catch (The), 259
+    Charivaria, weekly
+    Nut's Views on the War (A), 306
+
+  FAY, STANLEY J.
+    Plea for Pegasus (A), 166
+    Price of Patriotism (The), 430
+
+  FORSTER, R. H.
+    Food War (A), 259
+
+  GARVEY, MISS INA
+    Blanche's Letters, 68, 206, 396
+
+  GITTINS, H. N.
+    Double Cure (The), 129
+    Exercise 1, 95
+
+  GLASGOW, MRS. R.
+    On Earth--Peace, 521
+
+  GRAHAM, SCOTT
+    Militant's Tariff (The), 15
+
+  GRAVES, C. L.
+    Burgomaster Max, 301
+    Father Wilhelm, 397
+    Freedom of the Press (The), 483
+    Imperial Infanticide (The), 537
+    Minor War Games, 501
+    New School of Divinity (The), 257
+    Passing of the Cow (The), 137
+    Super-Sympathy, 239
+    To Mr. Bernard Jaw, 430
+    Two Germanies (The), 213
+    War's Revenges, 464
+    Woman at the Fight, 25
+
+  GRAVES, C. L., AND LUCAS, E. V.
+    Answers to Correspondents, 171
+    Archibong, 382
+    As Others Wish to See Us, 381
+    Aunt Louisa's Song Scena, 414
+    Balm for the Brainless, 16
+    Choice (The), 278
+    Feline Amenities, 187
+    First Blunder (The), 230
+    From Another Point of View, 189
+    Heroes (The), 209
+    Limit of Ignorance (The), 424
+    Meditations on Mushrooms, 286
+    Mutability, 105
+    My Brother's Letter, 326
+    My Favourite Paper, 404
+    My Hardy Annual, 126
+    Our Literary War Lords, 378
+    Our Mighty Penmen, 476
+    Our Overburdened Heroes, 226
+    Oxford in Transition, 82
+    Politics at the Zoo, 30
+    Progress of Man (The), 106
+    Real Hero of the War (The), 532
+    Real Reason (The), 361
+    Renamed Celebrities, 313
+    Santa Claus at the Front, 522
+    Surprise (The), 346
+    Volumes, 145
+    White Man's Burden (The), 355
+
+  HASELDEN, PERCY
+    En Passant, 192
+    Moon-Pennies, 304
+    Searchlights on the Mersey, 478
+    To a Pompadour Clock, 269
+
+  HASTINGS, B. MACDONALD
+    Keeping in the Limelight, 515
+
+  HODGKINSON, T.
+    Benefactor (A), 462
+    Diplomacy, 94
+    Forlorn Hope (The), 486
+    Imports and Exports, 247
+    Repatriation, 426
+    Silent Charmer (The), 16
+    Stable Information, 497
+    To a Jaded German Pressman, 306
+    Viking Spirit (The), 170
+    Wiser Choice (The), 135
+
+  HUGHES, C. E.
+    Restorative Power of Music (The), 150
+
+  JENKINS, ERNEST
+    Another Innocent Victim of the War, 373
+    Our Colossal Arrangements, 107
+    Things That Do Not Matter, 321
+
+  JOHNSTON, ALEC
+    How Will You Take It?, 219
+    News from the Back of the Front, 470
+    Private View (The), 165
+
+  KEIGWIN, R. P.
+    Casus Belli, 366
+    Four Sea Lords (The), 478
+    To a Naval Cadet, 266
+
+  KIDD, ARTHUR
+    Awakening (The), 287
+    Fortune's Favourite, 198
+    Kill or Cure, 530
+    Our Daily Bread, 308
+    Prophets (The), 505
+    Strategic Disease, 416
+    Tours in Fact and Fancy, 58
+
+  KINGSLEY-LONG, H.
+    With High Heart, 343
+
+  KNOX, E. G. V.
+    Awakening (The), 87, 433
+    Cocoanuts, 127
+    Cut Flowers, 122
+    Double Life (The), 148
+    Error in Arcady (An), 116
+    Foiling of "The Blare" (The), 117
+    Great Petard (The), 375
+    Great Shock (The), 338
+    In Darkest Germany, 358
+    Jesting of Jane (The), 55
+    Kaiser's Hate (The), 415
+    Misused Talent (The), 393
+    New Noah's Ark (The), 234
+    Ode to the Spirit of Wireless Victory, 262
+    Peace with Honour, 458
+    Progress, 1
+    Purple Lie (The), 22
+    Saving of Stratford (The), 295
+    Scratch Handicap (The), 188
+    Tempering the Wind, 65
+    Twilight in Regent's Park, 318
+    Valhalla, 276
+
+  LANGLEY, F. O.
+    Extenuating Circumstance (The), 146
+    Helpmeet (The), 304
+    Payment in Kind, 66
+    Sinecure (The), 82
+    Watch Dogs (The), 183, 200, 258, 284, 314, 353, 398, 453, 494,
+          534
+
+  LAWS, A. GORDON
+    Censor Habit (The), 221
+
+  LAWRENCE C. E.
+    As England Expects, 260
+
+  LEGARD, T. F.
+    Victorine, 542
+
+  LEHMANN, R. C.
+    Amanda, 75
+    Compulsion, 98
+    Crisis (The), 102
+    Determined Island (A), 142, 160, 176
+    Diary of a Kaiser, 214
+    For the Children, 435
+    Khaki Muffler (The), 364
+    Ode to John Bradbury, 208
+    Packer's Plaint (The), 130
+    Search for Paddington (The), 486
+    Teeth-Setting, 247
+    Unwritten Letters to the Kaiser, 254, 272, 290, 310, 345, 370,
+          390, 426, 450, 493, 510, 530
+    Walkers (The), 10
+
+  LETTS, W. M.
+    Sea Change (A), 301
+
+  LODGE, ARTHUR A.
+    Enigma, 6
+
+  LUCAS, E. V.
+    Entente in Being (The), 481
+    Marne Footnote (A), 504
+    Once Upon a Time, 18, 26, 76, 85
+
+  LUCY, HENRY
+    Essence of Parliament, Weekly during Session.
+    "Charlie" Beresford, 401
+
+  LULHAM, H.
+    Bob's Way, 259
+
+  LUMLEY, L.
+    Guarded Green (The), 78
+    My Girl Caddie, 138
+
+  LYON, MISS L. BOWES
+    Britain to Belgium, 381
+
+  MACLAREN, N.
+    Peacemaker (The), 535
+
+  MARTIN, N. R.
+    Doubt, 267
+    False Pretences, 355
+    Great Campaign (The), 241
+    Our Guy, 374
+    Recruiting Ballad (A), 443
+    Report Fallacious (The), 374
+    Terrors of War (The), 484
+    Too Much Championship, 69
+    War in Acacia Avenue (The), 303
+
+  MCKAY, HERBERT
+    Top Slice (The), 108
+
+  MILNE, A. A.
+    Armageddon, 128
+    At the Play, 210, 222, 246, 286
+    Christmas Spirit (The), 516
+    Double Mystery (The), 336
+    Enchanted Castle (The), 2
+    Enter Bingo, 316
+    Evangelist (The), 254
+    Fatal Gift (The), 198
+    First Tee (The), 89
+    High Jinks at Happy-Thought Hall, 496
+    James Feels Better, 240
+    Last Line (The), 275, 293, 356, 416, 476
+    Midsummer Madness (A), 28
+    Old Order Changes (The), 164
+    Patriot (The), 436
+    Peace Cigar (The), 376
+    Problem of Life (The), 146
+    Question of Light (A), 456
+    "They Also Serve", 182
+    Two Recruiting Sergeants (The), 218
+    Warm Half-Hour (A), 62
+
+  MULGREW, FRANK
+    Scandalmongrian Romance (A), 7
+
+  O'CARROLL, T. LOCKE
+    Archbishop's Apologia (The), 455
+
+  OGILVIE, W. H.
+    War Horse of the King (A), 280
+
+  PHILPOTTS, EDEN
+    Cannon Fodder, 305
+
+  PLUMBE, C. CONWAY
+    Debt of Honour (A), 422
+    Home Thoughts from the Trenches, 496
+    India: 1784-1914, 296
+
+  POPE, MISS JESSIE
+    His First Victory, 217
+    Little and Good, 383
+    Outpost (The), 239
+    Royal Cracksman (A), 338
+
+  RICHARDSON, R. J.
+    Lost Season (The), 364
+
+  RIGBY, REGINALD
+    Another War Scare, 475
+    Arrest (The), 363
+    Counting of Chickens (The), 230
+    Mark of Distinction (A), 78
+    Safeguards, 418
+    Suppressed Superman (The), 516
+    Unintelligent Anticipation, 334
+
+  RITTENBERG, MAX
+    Beats, 322
+    Column of Adventure (The), 208
+    Mystery of Prince ---- (The), 383
+    Old Bulldog Breed (The), 424
+    Slump in Crime (The), 342
+    Wild and Woolly West End (The), 444
+
+  SEAMAN, OWEN
+    Another Scrap of Paper, 290
+    At the Play, 96, 246, 286, 302, 344, 434, 506
+    Avengers (The), 194
+    Between Midnight and Morning, 490
+    Call of England (The), 176
+    Canute and the Kaiser, 350
+    Dies Iræ, 160
+    Earl Roberts (In Memory), 438
+    Egypt in Venice, 5
+    For the Red Cross, 214
+    Imperial Overture (An), 272
+    Joseph Chamberlain (In Memory), 70
+    Leaves from an Imperial Note Book, 234
+    Old Sea-Rover Speaks (The), 510
+    Patriot Under Fire (A), 22
+    Probation, 254
+    Pro Patria, 142
+    Thomas of the Light Heart, 310
+    To a False Patriot, 370
+    To the Bitter End, 410
+    To the Enemy on his Achievement, 330
+    To the Neutral Nations, 450
+    To the Shirker: A Last Appeal, 390
+    Truthful Willie, 470
+    Uses of Ocean (The), 102
+    War-Lord's New Year's Eve (The), 530
+
+  SMITH, BERTRAM
+    Attack on German Trade (The), 197
+    Christmas Presents, 1914, 502
+    Cure for Cricket (The), 17
+    Dispositions, 237
+    Inquisition (The), 76
+    Interpreters (The), 296
+    Nature of a Moratorium (The), 159
+    Our Dumb Enemies, 383
+    Our National Guests, 406, 444, 502
+    Sunday Evening Edition (The), 333
+    War Declarations, 220
+    War Items, 341
+    War Mementoes, 454
+
+  SMITH, MISS CICELY FOX
+    Return of the Prodigal (The), 538
+
+  SMITH, E. B.
+    Zeitungs and Gazettings, 342
+
+  SPENDER, MISS BRENDA
+    Capture (A), 514
+    Herbert, 386
+
+  STERNE, ASHLEY
+    Arms and the Woman, 250
+    Candidate for the Force (A), 199
+    Christmas Present for the Queen (A), 483
+    Last Bottle (The), 446
+    Mnemonics, 136
+    My Trousseau, 86
+    On Active Service, 156
+    Our War Story, 323
+    Rash Assumption (A), 473
+    Tobacco Plant (A), 405
+    Too Much Notice, 526
+
+  SYMNS, J. M.
+    Grey Gibbons, 403
+    Missionary (The), 115
+
+  TATHAM, M.
+    Retrospective, 97
+
+  THOROLD, R. A.
+    Opportunists (The), 463
+    Price of War (The), 404
+    Traitor (The), 315
+
+  TOMBS, J. S. M.
+    Love's Labour Well Lost, 108
+    Love's Logic, 15
+    Professional Attitude (The), 61
+    Seasonable Beverage (A), 28
+
+  TRUSCOTT, PARRY
+    At the "Plough and Horses", 325
+    War and the High Hand, 350
+
+  WHAITE, M. H. HOYLE
+    Mr. Punch's War Correspondence, 277
+    Tragic Mistake at Potsdam (A), 423
+
+  WHITE, R. F.
+    All Liars' Day, 118
+    Mr. Punch's Holiday Stories, 134, 154, 169, 190, 210, 228, 248
+    New Art(A), 365
+    Seaside Song Scena (A), 26
+    Unplayed Masterpiece (An), 88
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Pictures and Sketches.
+
+  ARMOUR, G. D., 44, 65, 97, 117, 139, 157, 165, 189, 199, 267, 287,
+          303, 323, 335, 365, 385, 407, 427, 445, 467, 485, 507, 527,
+          537
+
+  BAUMER, LEWIS, 15, 29, 32, 85, 110, 245, 271, 305, 337, 361, 369,
+          453, 478
+
+  BAYNES, PHILIP, 17, 46
+
+  BELCHER, GEORGE, 59, 79, 137, 145, 173, 219, 237, 275, 307, 321,
+          347, 375, 447, 475, 521
+
+  BIRD, W., 38, 61, 121, 238, 251, 314, 362, 389, 489, 529
+
+  BRIAULT, S., 294
+
+  BRIGHTWELL, L. R., 415, 514
+
+  BROOK, RICARDO, 284, 309, 384, 402, 409, 494, 528
+
+  CALOR, T., 374
+
+  COBB, MISS RUTH, 429
+
+  CROSS, STANLEY, 278, 414
+
+  DOWD, J. H., 94, 231
+
+  FENNING, WILSON, 21
+
+  FRASER, P., 54, 158, 328, 348, 349, 454, 534
+
+  GERMAN, DICK, 449, 502
+
+  GRAVE, CHARLES, 6, 69, 95, 126, 181, 213, 250, 265, 289, 465, 469,
+          482, 526
+
+  HALLIDAY, W., 106
+
+  HARRISON, C., 38, 46, 159, 241, 302, 306, 522
+
+  HART, FRANK, 155, 327, 343, 423
+
+  HASELDEN, W. K., 96, 210, 434, 506
+
+  HENRY, THOMAS, 508
+
+  HICKLING, P. B., 115, 301
+
+  ILLINGWORTH, F. W., 270
+
+  JENNIS, G., 227, 277, 355
+
+  KING, GUNNING, 397
+
+  LEWIN, F. G., 474
+
+  LLOYD, A. W., 13, 53, 73, 74, 93, 113, 133, 134, 153, 154, 162, 170,
+          175, 180, 205, 206, 228, 230, 233, 245, 266
+
+  LOW, HARRY, 448
+
+  LUNT, WILMOT, 99, 345, 398, 463
+
+  MCHUTCHON, F., 220
+
+  MILES, M., 354
+
+  MILLS, A. WALLIS, 7, 47, 75, 101, 135, 149, 174, 191, 193, 207, 247,
+          259, 285, 317, 333, 363, 382, 394, 425, 455, 495, 538
+
+  MINNS, B. E., 27, 86
+
+  MORROW, EDWIN A., 14, 80, 81, 147
+
+  MORROW, GEORGE, 9, 43, 48, 49, 50, 60, 77, 100, 120, 140, 190, 212,
+          232, 252, 288, 308, 325, 387, 401, 428, 435, 468, 488, 498,
+          509
+
+  NORRIS, A., 26, 221, 322
+
+  PARTRIDGE, BERNARD, 1, 31
+
+  PATTEN, L., 368
+
+  PEARS, CHARLES, 129, 269
+
+  PEGRAM, FRED, 171, 357, 418, 505, 525, 541
+
+  PETT, NORMAN, 141
+
+  RAVEN-HILL, L., 36, 107, 166, 187, 209, 257, 358, 383, 515, 518
+
+  REYNOLDS, FRANK, 211, 261, 279, 395, 487
+
+  REYNOLDS, PERCY T., 342, 483
+
+  RHEAD, F. A., 381
+
+  ROUNTREE, HARRY, 295, 443, 503
+
+  SHEPARD, E. H., 45, 57, 66, 130, 183, 201, 222, 298, 318, 338, 378,
+          417, 517, 543
+
+  SHEPPERSON, C. A., 10, 34, 35, 90, 109, 184, 202, 249, 262, 280,
+          293, 315, 341, 367, 377, 413, 433, 458, 481, 501, 535
+
+  SIMMONS, GRAHAM, 67
+
+  SKINNER, H. F. C., 446
+
+  SMITH, A. T., 19, 30, 55, 87, 114, 127
+
+  STAMPA, G. L., 37, 119, 169, 192, 229, 242, 253, 297, 329, 388, 405,
+          437, 457, 477, 523
+
+  THOMAS, BERT, 422, 497
+
+  THORPE, J. H., 403
+
+  TERRY, STAN, 20
+
+  TOWNSEND, F. H., 5, 25, 33, 37, 89, 105, 125, 150, 163, 179, 197,
+          217, 225, 239, 283, 313, 334, 353, 373, 393, 421, 441, 442,
+          461, 473, 493, 513, 533
+
+  WESTRUP, MISS E. K., 408
+
+  WILSON, DAVID, 172, 246, 462
+
+  WOOD, STARR, 188
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FINIS]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+Transcriber Notes
+
+Page 538 was moved to just after page 535, as the Peace-Maker article
+clearly begins on page 538 and concludes on page 536.
+
+Other typographical inconsistencies that have been changed are listed
+below.
+
+Archaic and variable spelling is preserved.
+
+Editors' punctuation style is preserved.
+
+Passages in italics indicated by _underscores_.
+
+Passages in bold indicated by =equal signs=.
+
+
+Transcriber Changes
+
+The following changes were made to the original text:
+
+  Page 529: Was 'If' (=It= is said that for some time past he
+            would start nervously)
+
+  Page 542: Added period (for she is very =high-minded.= Her
+            weekly bath gives rise to)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+147, December 30, 1914, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+***** This file should be named 29669-8.txt or 29669-8.zip *****
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