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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/29669-8.txt b/29669-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ba17e22 --- /dev/null +++ b/29669-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2752 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 147, +December 30, 1914, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 147, December 30, 1914 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: August 11, 2009 [EBook #29669] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer, +Katherine Ward, and the Online Distributed Proofreading +Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOLUME 147. + +December 30, 1914. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + + +ABDUL the D--d is said to feel it keenly that, when the British +decided to appoint a Sultan in Egypt, they did not remember that he +was out of a job. + + *** + +Meanwhile ABBAS Pasha is reported to have had a presentiment that he +would one day be replaced by KAMEL Pasha. It is said that for some +time past he would start nervously whenever he heard the band of a +Highland regiment playing "The Kamel's a-coming." + + *** + +We have very little doubt that the German newspapers are publishing +photographs of Whitby Abbey, and claiming the entire credit for its +ruined condition. + + *** + +It remained for _The Times_ to chronicle the Germans' most astounding +feat. It happened at Hartlepool. "A chimney nearly 200 feet in height, +on the North-Eastern Railway hydraulic power-station, was," our +contemporary tells us, "grazed by a projectile about 100 yards above +its base." + + *** + +The Archbishop of YORK, who was one of the KAISER'S few apologists, is +said to feel keenly that potentate's ingratitude in selecting for +bombardment two unprotected bathing-places in his Grace's diocese. + + *** + +It is widely rumoured that WILHELM is conferring a special medal on +the perpetrators of this and similar outrages, to be called the +Kaiser-ye-Hun medal. + + *** + +Some of the German newspapers have been organising a symposium on the +subject of how to spend the coming Christmas. Herr ARTHUR VON GWINNER, +director of the Deutsche Bank, is evidently something of a humourist. +"More than ever," he says, "in the exercise of works of love and +charity." We rather doubt whether the Herr Direktor's irony will be +appreciated in high quarters. + + *** + +A message from Amsterdam says that there are signs in Berlin of +discontent with the German Chancellor and his staff, and patriots are +calling for a "clean sweep." The difficulty, of course, is that, while +there are plenty of sweeps in Germany, it is not easy to find a clean +one. + + *** + +"Immediately after his arrival at Rome," says _The Liverpool Echo_, +"Prince Buelow proceeded to the Villa Malte, his usual residence at +Rome, where he will stay until he takes up his quarters at the +Caffarelli police." Our alleged harsh treatment of aliens fades into +insignificance by the side of this! + + *** + +General Baron VON BISSING, the Governor-General of Belgium, has +informed a German journal that the KAISER has "very specially +commanded him to help the weak and oppressed in Belgium." By whom, we +wonder, are the Belgians being oppressed? + +The same journal announces that General VON DIEDENHOFEN, the commander +at Karlsruhe, has issued a proclamation expressing his "indignation at +the dishonourable conduct" of three German Red-Cross Nurses who have +married wounded French prisoners. It certainly does look like taking +advantage of the poor fellows when they were more or less helpless. + + *** + +We hear that considerable ill-feeling has been caused in certain +quarters of Paris by a thoughtless English newspaper calling the +Germans "the Apaches of Europe." + + *** + +A German critic has been expatiating on the trouble we must have +in feeding an Army with so many different tastes and creeds. +Commenting on this, _The Evening Standard_ says: "This is not a +surprising matter from our point of view, but the German cast-iron +system does not lend itself either in thought or practice to +adaptability." Some people, we believe, imagine the Germans feed, +without exception, on Pickelhauben. + + *** + +A little while ago the Germans were claiming our SHAKSPEARE. We now +hear that a forthcoming production at His Majesty's Theatre has set +them longing, in view of the scarcity of the metal, for our +_Copperfield_. + + *** + +Mr. THOMAS BURT, M.P., Father of the House of Commons, has decided to +resign his seat in Parliament. This does not however mean that the +House will be left an orphan. Another father will be found at once. + + *** + +It is rumoured that, after the War is over, a statue is to be erected +to the Censor at Blankenberghe, in Belgium. + + *** + +A tale from the Front. "The enemy are continuing to fortify the coast, +Sir," said the subaltern. "I don't care if they fiftify it," roared +his commanding officer; "it'll make no difference." This shows the +British spirit. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "BUT YOU AREN'T TALL ENOUGH." + +"WELL, CAN I GO AS A DRUMMER-BOY?" + +"I'M AFRAID YOU'RE TOO OLD FOR THAT." + +"WELL, THEN--DASH IT ALL! I'LL GO AS A MASCOT."] + + * * * * * + +A Sensational Statement. + + "General Smuts stated that there were in the field at the + present time, not including those training, more than ---- + men."--_Daily Telegraph._ + +This is headed "South Africa's Forces," and may have been an actual +piece of news until it reached the Censor. + + * * * * * + +Another Impending Apology. + +We read beneath a photograph in _The Graphic_:-- + + "Miss PAULINE PRIM--the cat in the Aldwych Pantomime, as she + is in real life." + + * * * * * + +The Troubles of Neutrality. + +From a recent Geography Examination paper:-- + + "Holland is a low country: in fact it is such a very low + country that it is no wonder that it is damned all round." + + * * * * * + +A correspondent writes:-- + + "It is to be hoped that nothing further will be heard of these + various proposals to intern the KAISER at St. Helena. One + would have thought that there had been quite sufficient + desecration already of places of historic interest." + + * * * * * + +THE WAR-LORD'S NEW YEAR'S EVE. + + KAISER, what vigil will you keep to-night? + Before the altar will you lay again + Your "shining armour," and renew your plight + To wear it ever clean of stain? + + Or, while your priesthood chants the Hymn of Hate, + Like incense will you lift to God your breath + In praise that you are privileged by fate + To do His little ones to death? + + Will Brother HENRY, knowing well the scene + That saw your cruisers' latest gallant feat, + Kneel at your side, and ask with pious mien + A special blessing on the fleet? + + Will you make "resolutions?"--saying, "Lo! + I will be humble. Though my own bright sword + Has shattered Belgium, yet will I bestow + The credit on a higher Lord. + + "What am I but His minister of doom? + The smoke of burning temples shall ascend, + With none to intercept the savoury fume, + Straight upward to my honoured Friend." + + Or does your heart admit, in hours like these, + God is not mocked with words; His judgment stands; + Nor all the waters of His cleansing seas + Can wash the blood-guilt from your hands? + + Make your account with Him as best you can. + What other hope has this New Year to give? + For outraged earth has laid on you a ban + Not to be lifted while you live. + +O. S. + + * * * * * + +UNWRITTEN LETTERS TO THE KAISER. + +NO. XII. + +(_From the EX-SULTAN OF TURKEY._) + +MY BROTHER,--There are many who in these days gnash their teeth +against you and pursue with malice and reproach the words you utter +and the deeds you perform, so that verily the tempests of the world +beat about your head. It may please you, therefore, to know that there +is one man at least whose affectionate admiration for you has suffered +no decrease, nay, has rather been augmented a hundredfold by the +events of the past half-year. Need I say that I am that man? + +It is true that I have been shorn of my honours and privileges, that I +live in exile as a prisoner and that the vile insulters of fallen +majesty compass me about. I who once dwelt in splendour and issued my +commands to the legions of the faithful am treated with contumely by a +filthy pack of time-servers, and have nothing that I can call my own +except, for the moment, the air that I breathe. Oh, for an hour of the +old liberty and power! It would amuse me to see the faces of ENVER and +of my wretched brother MOHAMMED as I ordered them to execution--them +and their gang of villainous parasites. By the bowstring of my +fathers, but that would be a great and worthy killing! Pardon the fond +day-dreams of a poor and lonely old man whose only crime has been that +he loved his country too well and treated his enemies with a kindness +not to be understood by those black and revengeful hearts. + +I remember that in the old days there were not wanting those who +warned me against you. "Beware," they said, "of the GERMAN EMPEROR. He +will use you for his own purposes, and will then cast you aside like +an orange that has been squeezed." But I paid no heed to their jealous +imaginings, and I had my reward. Not, indeed, that you were able to +save me when the wicked burst upon me and cast me down. The stroke was +too sudden, and you, alas, were too far. But the memory of our +delightful friendship is still with me to sustain and comfort me in my +tribulations. I still have some of the letters in which you poured out +your heart to me, and when melancholy oppresses me I take them from my +breast and read them over and over again. + +It is a joy to me to know that there is a firm alliance between my +brave Turks and your magnanimous soldiers. I doubt not that Allah, the +good old friend of the Turks, will continue to bless you and give you +victory after victory over your enemies. It is no less a joy to learn +how gloriously and how sagaciously you are conducting this war. They +tell me that your ships have bombarded the coast towns of England, and +that five or six hundred of the inhabitants have fallen before your +avenging shells. What matters it that these towns were not fortified +in the strict and stupid sense, and that there were many women and +children amongst those you slew? The towns _were_ fortified in the +sense that they were hostile to your high benevolence, and as for +women and children you need not even dream of excusing yourself to +_me_. These English are no better than Armenians. It is necessary to +extirpate them, and the younger you catch them the less time they have +for devising wickedness against the Chosen of Allah. As for women, +they need hardly be taken into account. In all these matters I know by +your actions that you agree. You must proceed on your noble course +until the last of these infidels is swept away to perdition. + +May I condole with you on the loss of your four ships of war by the +guns of the British Admiral STURDEE? That was, indeed, a cowardly +blow, and it is hard to understand why it was allowed. + +Farewell then, my Brother. Be assured again of the undying friendship +and admiration of the poor exile, + +ABDUL HAMID. + + * * * * * + +KILL OR CURE. + + [_Reports continue to reach us from our brave troops in the + field that they "never felt fitter," are "in the best of + spirits," and so forth._] + + Have you a bronchial cough, or cold, + And is your ailment chronic + Past every sort of cure that's sold? + We'll tell you of a tonic. + Just wing our agents here a wire + And book "A Fortnight Under Teuton Fire." + + Do you admit with anxious mind + Your liver's loss of movement, + And that in consequence you find + Your temper needs improvement? + Then leave awhile your stool or bench + And try our "Month Inside a Flooded Trench." + + Are you a broken nervous wreck, + Run short of red corpuscles, + Painfully scraggy in the neck, + And much in need of muscles? + Come to us now--for now's your chance-- + And take our "Lively Tour Through Northern France." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DISHONOURED. + +CAPTAIN OF THE _EMDEN_. "DIRTY WORK!"] + + * * * * * + +THE REAL HERO OF THE WAR. + +There is an impression about that among the candidates for the +position of real hero of the war KING ALBERT might have a chance; or +even Lord KITCHENER or Sir JOHN FRENCH. But I have my doubts, after +all that I have heard--and I love to hear it and to watch the +different ways in which the tellers narrate it: some so frankly proud, +some just as proud, but trying to conceal their pride. After all that +I have heard I am bound to believe that for the real hero of the war +we must look elsewhere. Not much is printed of this young fellow's +deeds; one gets them chiefly by word of mouth and very largely in club +smoking-rooms. In railway carriages too, and at dinner-parties. These +are the places where the champions most do congregate and hold forth. +And from what they say he is a most gallant and worthy warrior. +Versatile as well, for not only does he fight and bag his Bosch, but +he is wounded and imprisoned. Sometimes he rides a motor cycle, +sometimes he flies, sometimes he has charge of a gun, sometimes he is +doing Red Cross work, and again he helps to bring up the supplies with +the A.S.C. He has been everywhere. He was at Mons and he was at +Cambrai. He marched into Ypres and is rather angry when the Germans +are blamed for shelling the Cloth Hall, because he tells you that +there was a big French gun firmly established behind it, and only by +shelling the building could the enemy hope to destroy that dangerous +piece of ordnance. He saw something of the bombardment of Rheims and +he watched the monitors at work on the Belgian coast. + +And not only does he perform some of the best deeds and often get +rewarded for them, but he is a good medium for news too. He hears +things. He's somewhere about when General ---- says something of the +deepest significance to General ----. He knows men high up in the War +Office. He refers lightly to KITCHENER, and staff officers apparently +tell him many of their secrets. He speaks quite casually and +familiarly of WINSTON and what WINSTON said yesterday, for he often +has the latest Admiralty news too. It was he who had the luck to be in +the passage when Lord FISHER and another Sea Lord executed their +historic waltz on the receipt of the news of STURDEE'S coup. I don't +pretend that he is always as worthy of credence as he was then; for he +has spread some false rumours too. He was, in fact, one of the busiest +eye-witnesses (once or twice removed) of the triumphant progress of +millions of Russians through Scotland and England some months ago. He +is not unaware of the loss of battleships of which nothing has yet +been officially stated. In fact, his unofficial news is terrific and +sometimes must be taken with salt. But denials do not much abash him. +He was prepared for them and can explain them. + +His letters are interesting and cover a vast amount of ground. They +are sometimes very well written, and in differing moods he abuses the +enemy and pities them. He never grumbles but is sometimes perplexed by +overwork in the trenches. He hates having to stand long in water and +has lost more comrades than he likes to think about. One day he was +quite close to General JOFFRE, whom he regards as a sagacious leader, +cautious and far-sighted; another day he was close to Sir JOHN FRENCH, +and nothing could exceed the confidence which his appearance kindled +in him. On the morning of the KING'S arrival at the Front he was +puzzled by the evolutions of our air scouts, who seemed to have gone +mad; but it turned out that they were saluting HIS MAJESTY. Some of +his last letters were from the neighbourhood of Auchy and described +the fighting for the canal. He is a little inconsistent now and then, +and one day says he has more cigarettes than he can smoke, and the +next bewails the steady shortage of tobacco. As to his heroic actions +he is reticent; but we know that many of the finest deeds have been +performed by him. He has saved lives and guns and is in sight of the +V.C. + +And what is his name? Well, I can't say what his name is, because it +is not always the same; but I can tell you how he is always described +by those who relate his adventures, his prowess, his news, his +suspicions and his fears. He is always referred to as "My son." + +"My son," when all is said, is the real hero of the war. + + * * * * * + +It is all very well to warn the British public (naturalised or +otherwise) against supporting and comforting the enemy, but it might +have more effect if those in authority set the example. + + "The British Government declares that in the event of the + Austrian Government being in need of funds, Great Britain is + ready to provide them."--_Japan Chronicle._ + + "King George has sent a warmly-worded telegram of congratulation + to the new Sultan of Turkey."--_Sunday Chronicle._ + +Paragraphs such as these, for instance, do not provide the proper +inspiration. + + * * * * * + + "There are increasing rumours of serious fiction between the + Austrians and the Germans."--_Natal Times._ + +Their _forte_, however, is humorous fiction. + + * * * * * + +R. G. A. + + Over the hills where the grey hills rise + Smoke wreaths climb to the cloudless skies, + White in the glare of the noonday sun, + Climbing in companies, one by one, + From the strong guns, + The long guns, + That wake with break of day + And dutifully drop their shells a dozen miles away. + + Far beneath where our airmen fly, + Slowly the Garrison guns go by, + Breaking through bramble and thorn and gorse, + Towed by engines or dragged by horse, + The great guns, + The late guns, + That slowly rumble up + To enable Messrs. VICKERS to converse with Messrs. KRUPP. + + Garrison cannon is never swift + (Shells are a deuce of a weight to lift); + When they are ready to open shop, + Where they are planted, there they stop, + The grey guns, + The gay guns, + That know what they're about, + To wait at fifteen hundred yards and clear the trenches out. + + 4.7's and 9.4's, + Taking to camping out of doors; + Out of the shelter of steel-built sheds, + Sleeping out in their concrete beds-- + The proud guns, + The loud guns, + Whose echo wakes the hills, + And shakes the tiles and scatters glass on distant window-sills. + + Little cannon of envious mind + May mock at the gunners who come behind; + Let them wait till we've lined our pets + On to the forts and the walls of Metz; + The siege guns, + The liege guns, + The guns to batter down + The barricades and bastions of any German town. + + Though there be others who do good work, + Harassing German, trouncing Turk, + Let us but honour one toast to-day-- + The men and the guns of the R.G.A.! + The vast guns, + The last guns, + When Spring is coming in, + To roll down every Eastern road a-booming to Berlin! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE TEMPTATIONS OF A SOLDIER. + +_Fond Mother (who has just seen her son, a very youthful subaltern, +off to the front)._ "I GOT HIM AWAY FROM HIS FATHER FOR A MOMENT +AND SAID TO HIM, 'DARLING, DON'T GO TOO NEAR THE FIRING-LINE, WILL +YOU?'"] + + * * * * * + +NEW YEAR NOVELTIES. + +THE STRATEGIST'S MUZZLE.--For use in the Home--the Club--the Railway +Train. Fitted with best calf leather gag--easily attached--efficiency +guaranteed, 4_s._ 11_d._ With chloroform attachment for violent cases, +8_s._ 11_d._ BELLOC size, 22_s._ 6_d._ + +Recommended by the Censor. + +THE ALLIES' MUSICAL BOX.--Beautifully decorated in all the national +colours. A boon to organizers of war concerts. Plays all the National +Anthems of the Allies simultaneously, thus allowing the audience to +keep their seats for the bulk of the evening. A blessing to wounded +soldiers and rheumatic subjects. 10_s._ 11_d._ carriage paid. + +THE COIN DETECTOR.--This ingenious little contrivance rings a bell +once when brought within a yard of silver coins and twice when in the +proximity of gold coins. Absolutely indispensable to collectors for +Relief Funds. 2_s._ 11-1/2_d._ post free. + +Testimonial from Lady Isobel Tompkins:-- + +"Since using your invaluable detector in my collecting work I +understand that there has been quite a run on the banks and +post-offices in this neighbourhood for postal orders and the new +notes. With the addition of an indicator of paper-money your machine +would be perfection." + +HAPPY FAMILIES.--The game of the season--with portraits of all our +political leaders. Any four assorted leaders of different views make a +happy family. 10-1/2_d._ + +Mr. KEIR HARDIE says:--"I never knew a more aggravating game." + +GERMAN HAPPY FAMILIES.--Intensely amusing; peals of laughter come from +the table when one asks for Mr. Kayser, the butcher; Mr. Prince, the +looter; Mr. Tirpitz, the pirate, 10-1/2_d._ + +BURKE'S NORMAN BLOOD.--The presentation book of the season. Invaluable +to the newly naturalised. 3_s._ 6_d._ net. + + * * * * * + +From certain Regimental Orders we extract the following:-- + + "There is no objection to the following being written on the + Field Service Post Card: 'A merry Christmas and a happy New + Year.'" + +All the same, the danger of conveying news to the enemy must not be +overlooked. Many German soldiers, we hear, are under the impression +that it is still August, and that they will be in Paris by the +beginning of September. + + * * * * * + + "In the early hours of Wednesday morning, what is supposed to + have been a traction engine when proceeding southward, struck + the west side of the parapet with great force."--_Alnwick + Gazette._ + +When proceeding northward it has more the appearance of a sewing-machine. + + * * * * * + +THE WATCH DOGS. + +X. + +MY DEAR CHARLES,--I write on Christmas Day from a second-grade +Infants' School, the grade referring obviously to the school and not +to the infants. We sit round the old Yule hot-water pipe, and from the +next classroom come the heavenly strains of the gramophone, one of +those veteran but sturdy machines which none of life's rough usages +can completely silence or even shake in its loyal determination to go +on _and keep on going on_ at all costs. Having duly impressed "Good +King Wenceslas" upon us, it is now rendering an emotional waltz, of +which, though now and then it may drop a note or two, it mislays none +of the pathos. + +It was a present to the Mess; intended for our entertainment in the +trenches, though I cannot think who was going to carry it there. The +tune serves to recall the distant past, when we used to wear silk +socks and shining pumps, to glide hither and thither on hard floors, +and talk in the intervals, talk, talk, talk with all the desperate +resource of exhausted heroes who know that they have only to hang on +five more minutes and they are saved. Suppose we had by now been in +those trenches and had been listening to this obstinate old box slowly +but confidently assuring and reassuring us that there is and was and +always will be our one-two-three home in the one-two-three, +one-two-three West! I can see the picture; I can see the tears of +happiness coursing down our weather-beaten cheeks as we say to +ourselves, "Goodness knows, it's uncomfortable enough here, but thank +heaven we aren't in that ball-room anyway." + +In a corner of this room is a bridge-four. The C.O. is sitting in an +authoritative, relentless silence. His tactical dispositions have been +made and they are going to be pushed through to the end, cost what it +may to the enemy or his own side. His partner is Second-Lieutenant +Combes, deviously thinking to himself with all the superior knowledge +of youth, "What rotten dispositions these C.O.'s do make!" but +endeavouring to conceal his feelings by the manipulation of his face +and a more than usually heavy interspersion of "Sirs" in his +conversation. The enemy are ill-assorted allies: Captain Parr, a +dashing player of great courage and very ready tongue, and Lieutenant +Sumners, one of those grim, earnest fighters whom no event however +sudden or stupendous can surprise into speech. This latter is a real +soldier whose life is conducted in every particular on the lines laid +down in military text-books. He asks himself always, "Is it +soldierly?" and never "Is it common-sense?" He is at present in +trouble with his superior officer for having frozen on to his ace of +trumps long after he should have parted with it. But those text-books +say, "Keep your best forces in reserve," and so the little trumps must +needs be put in the firing line first. + +As to the other officers of your acquaintance, each is making merry, +as the season demands, in his own fashion. One is studying, not for +the first time, a map on the wall showing the inner truth of the +currents in the Pacific; another is observing, for his information +and further guidance, the process of manufacture of lead pencils +as illustrated by samples in a glass-case. Others are being more +jovial still; having exhausted the pictures and advertisements of +the sixpenny Society papers, they are now actually reading the +letter-press. The machine-gun officer, as I gather from his +occasional remarks, is asleep as usual. + +And now the gramophone has ceased; but, alas! Captain d'Arcy has +begun--on the piano. As I write, the scheme of communication +between his right and his left flanks has broken down. Like a +prudent officer, he suspends operations, gives the "stand-fast!" and +sends out a cautious patrol to reconnoitre the position. He even cedes +a little of the ground he has gained. Glancing at his music, I must +admit that he is in a dangerous situation, heavily wooded in the +treble, with sudden and sharp elevations and depressions in the bass, +and the possibility of an ambush at every turn. His reconnoitring +party returns; he starts to move forward again with scouts always in +advance. He halts; he advances again and proceeds (for he too is a +trained soldier) by short rushes about five bars at a time.... At +last the situation develops and he pauses to collect all his +available forces and get them well in hand. I can almost hear the +order being passed along the line--"Prepare to charge"--almost +catch the bugle-call as his ten fingers rush forth to the assault, +forth to death or glory, to triumph or utter confusion.... As to what +follows, I have always thought the rally after a charge was an +anticlimax, even when it consists of a rapid "Rule Britannia!" +passing off evenly, without a hitch. + +I find, looking round my fellow-officers, that I have omitted the +final touch, the last stirring detail to complete the picture of the +soldier's hard but eventful life. In the one easy, or easy-ish, chair +sits the Major, that gallant gentleman whose sole but exacting +business in life it is to gallop like the devil into the far distance +when it is rumoured that the battalion will deploy. He sits now at +leisure, but even at leisure he is not at ease: silent, with every +nerve and fibre strained to the utmost tension, he crouches over his +work. He is at his darning; ay, with real wool and a real needle he is +darning his socks. The colour of his work may not be harmonious, but +it is a thorough job; he has done what even few women would do, he has +darned not only the hole in his hosiery but his left hand also. + +As for the men, they have been dealt with by a select body under the +formidable title of the Christmas Festivities Committee. It has +provided each man with a little beer, a lot of turkey and much too +much plum pudding. Having disengaged the birds into their separate +units, it has then left the man to himself for the day, thus showing, +in my opinion, a wise discretion rarely found in committees, even +military committees. + + Yours ever, + HENRY. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Visitor._ "COULD YOU TELL ME WHAT TIME THE TIDE IS UP?" + +_Odd job man._ "WELL, SIR, THEY DO EXPECK 'IGH WATER AT +SIX; BUT THEN YOU KNOW WOT THESE 'ERE RUMOURS ARE NOWADAYS."] + + * * * * * + + "Exchange, charming country parish, North Yorks. Easy distance + sea. Income safe."--_Advt. in "Guardian."_ + +Yes, but what about the rectory? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: GREAT EXPECTATIONS. + +HOW MABEL PICTURED HER BIG BROTHER'S ARRIVAL FOR WEEK-END +LEAVE FROM THE FRONT.] + + * * * * * + +THE RETURN OF THE PRODIGAL. + + I rode into Pincher River on an August afternoon, + The pinto's hoofs on the prairie drumming a drowsy tune, + By the shacks and the Chinks' truck-gardens to the Athabasca + saloon. + + And a bunch of the boys was standing around by the old Scotch + store, + Standing and spitting and swearing by old Macallister's door-- + And the name on their lips was Britain--the word that they spoke was + War. + + War!... Do you think I waited to talk about wrong or right + When I knew my own old country was up to the neck in a fight? + I said, "So long!"--and I beat it--"I'm hitting the trail + to-night." + + I wasn't long at my packing. I hadn't much time to dress, + And the cash I had at disposal was a ten-spot--more or less; + So I didn't wait for my ticket; I booked by the Hoboes' Express. + + I rode the bumpers at night-time; I beat the ties in the day; + Stealing a ride and bumming a ride all of the blooming way, + And--I left the First Contingent drilling at Valcartier! + + I didn't cross in a liner (I hadn't my passage by me!); + I spotted a Liverpool cargo tramp, smelly and greasy and grimy, + And they wanted hands for the voyage, and the old man guessed he'd + try me. + + She kicked like a ballet-dancer or a range-bred bronco mare; + She rolled till her engines rattled; she wallowed, but what did I + care? + It was "Go it, my bucking beauty, if only you take me there!" + + Then came an autumn morning, grey-blue, windy and clear, + And the fields--the little white houses--green and peaceful and + dear, + And the heart inside of me saying, "Take me, Mother, I'm here! + + "Here, for I thought you'd want me; I've brought you all that I + own-- + A lean long lump of a carcass that's mostly muscle and bone, + Six-foot-two in my stockings--weigh-in at fourteen stone. + + "Here, and I hope you'll have me; take me for what I'm worth-- + A chap that's a bit of a waster, come from the ends of the earth + To fight with the best that's in him for the dear old land of his + birth!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Lady in black._ "Our Jim's killed seven Germans--and he'd +never killed _ANYONE_ before he went to France!"] + + * * * * * + +THE PEACE-MAKER. + +The Anonymous War is not to be followed by an Anonymous Peace. I have +Twyerley's own authority for this statement. + +I may go farther and make public the interesting fact that Twyerley +himself has the matter in hand, and readers of _The Daily Booster_ +will at an early date receive precise instructions how and where to +secure Part I. of The History of the Peace before it is out of print. +It is well known that all publications issuing from that Napoleonic +brain are out of print within an hour or two of their appearance, but +Twyerley takes precautions to safeguard readers of _The Booster_ +against any such catastrophic disappointment. + +In approaching the Peace problem at this stage Twyerley is displaying +his customary foresight. The military authorities frustrated +Twyerley's public-spirited attempt to let the readers of _The Booster_ +into the secret of General JOFFRE'S strategy--ruthlessly suppressing +his daily column on The Position at the Front. He has resolved that +the diplomatists shall not repeat the offence; he will be beforehand +with them. + +If Twyerley had been listened to in times of peace there would have +been no war; the fact is undeniable. Since war has come, however, the +danger of a patched-up peace must be avoided at all costs. In order +that there shall be no mistake Twyerley has prepared a map of +Europe-as-it-must-be-and-shall-be or Twyerley and his myriad readers +will know the reason why. (The map is presented gratis with Part I. of +the History and may also be had, varnished and mounted on rollers, for +clubs and military academies.) + +Twyerley at work upon the map is a thrilling spectacle. With his +remorseless scissors he hovers over Germany and Austria in a way that +would make the two KAISERS blench. Snip! away goes Alsace-Lorraine and +a slice of the Palatinate; another snip! and Galicia flutters into the +arms of Russia. + +The History is to be completed in twenty-four parts, if the Allies' +plenipotentiaries possess the capabilities with which Twyerley credits +them; but he has prudently provided for extensions in case of need. + +Anyway, whether the Treaty of Peace be signed in twelve months or +twelve years, the final part of the History will go to press on the +morrow. + +Armed with the History, readers of _The Booster_ will be able to +follow step by step the contest in the council-chamber, when it takes +place. They will be able to paint the large white map with the special +box of colours supplied at a small additional cost. That, as Twyerley +justly observes, is an ideal means of teaching the new geography of +Europe to children. Even the youngest member of a household where the +History is taken regularly will be in a position to say what loss of +territory the KAISERS and Turkey must suffer. (Twyerley had some idea +of running a Prize Competition on these lines but was reluctant to +embarrass the Government.) + +Several entire chapters will be devoted to "Famous Scraps of Paper" +from NEBUCHADNEZZAR to the Treaty of Bucharest. Illustrations of +unique interest have been secured. For instance, the Peace of +Westphalia carries a reproduction of the original document, portraits +and biographies of the signatories, and a statistical table of the +Westphalian ham industry. Similarly, the Treaty of Utrecht is +accompanied by a view of that interesting town and several pages of +original designs for Utrecht velvet. + +Thus, what Twyerley calls "the human interest" is amply catered for. + +The section "International Law for the Million" presents its subject +in a novel tabloid form, as exhaustive as it is entertaining. I know +for a fact that an army of clerks has been engaged at the British +Museum for some weeks looking up the data. + +Following the part which contains concise accounts of every European +nation from the earliest times, comes "Points for Plenipotentiaries," +occupying several entire numbers. Here is where the genius of Twyerley +shines at its brightest, and personally I think that the British +representatives at the Peace Congress should be provided beforehand +with these invaluable pages. With Twyerley at their elbows, so to +speak, they should be equal to the task of checkmating the wily +foreigner. + +I wish the KAISER could see Twyerley scissoring his territory to +shreds! + + * * * * * + +A VOICE IN THE NIGHT. + +I dislike many things--snakes, for example, and German spies, and the +income tax, and cold fat mutton; but even more than any of these I +dislike William Smith. + +As all the world knows, special constables hunt in couples at nights, +a precaution adopted in order that, if either of the two is slain in +the execution of his duty, the other may be in a position to report on +the following morning the exact hour and manner of his decease, thus +satisfying the thirst of the authorities for the latest information, +and relieving his departed companion's relatives of further anxiety in +regard to his fate. + +William Smith is the special constable who hunts with me. As to whom +or what we are hunting, or what we should do to them or they would do +to us if we caught them or they caught us, we are rather vague; but we +endeavour to carry out our duty. Our total bag to date has been one +Royal Mail, and even him we merely let off with a caution. + +Three days ago, by an unfortunate coincidence, William Smith overtook +me at the end of the High Street, just as our sergeant was coming +round the corner in the opposite direction. At sight of the latter we +halted, dropped our parcels in the mud, stiffened to attention and +saluted. The last was a thing we ought not to have done, even allowing +for his leggings, which were (and are still) of a distinctly +upper-military type. But in the special constabulary your sergeant is +a man to be placated. His powers are enormous. He can, if he likes, +spoil your beauty sleep at both ends by detailing you for duty from 12 +to 4 A.M.; or, on the other hand, he can forget you altogether for a +fortnight. Thus we always avoid meeting him if possible; failing that, +we always salute him. + +"Ha!" exclaimed our sergeant. + +We shuddered, and William Smith, who is smaller than myself, tried to +escape his gaze by forming two deep. + +"What the devil are you playing at?" growled our sergeant. Though one +of the more prominent sidesmen at our local church, he has developed +quite the manner of an officer, almost, at times, I like to think, of +a general officer. William Smith formed single rank again. + +Our sergeant took out his notebook. "I'm glad I happened to meet you +two," he said. + +We shivered, but otherwise remained at attention. + +"Let me see," he went on, consulting his list, "you are on together +again to-morrow night at 12." + +It was the last straw. Forgetting his rank, forgetting his leggings, +forgetting the possibilities of his language, forgetting myself, I +spoke. + +"I protest," I said. + +The eyes of our sergeant bulged with wrath, pushing his pince-nez off +his nose and causing them to clatter to the pavement. But a special +constable is a man of more than ordinary courage. "Allow me," I +murmured, and I stooped, picked them up and handed them back to him. + +"Explain yourself," he muttered hoarsely. + +"For the past three months," I said, "I have endured fifty-six of +the darkest hours of the night, cut off from any possibility of +human aid, in the company of William Smith, a conversational +egoist of the lowest and most determined type. Throughout this +period he has inflicted on me atrocities before which those of the +Germans pale into insignificance. During the first month he described +to me in detail the achievements and diseases from birth upwards of +all his children--a revolting record. He next proceeded to deal +exhaustively with the construction and working of his gramophone, +his bathroom geyser, his patent knife-machine and his vacuum +carpet-cleaner; also with his methods of drying wet boots, marking his +under-linen, circumventing the water-rate collector and inducing +fertility in reluctant pullets. This brought us to the middle of +November. Finally, during the last four weeks he has wandered into +the ramifications of his wife's early-Victorian family tree, of +which we are still in the lower branches. + +"I cannot retaliate in kind. I have no children, poultry, pedigree +wives, nor any of the other articles, except boots and shirts, in +which the soul of William Smith rejoices. There is but one remedy open +to me, and of this, unless you detail me for duty with someone else, I +propose to avail myself at the first convenient opportunity. I shall +kill William Smith." + +I stopped and saluted again. + +And then a wonderful thing happened. I discovered that beneath our +sergeant's military leggings there still beat the rudiments of a human +heart. Yes, as I looked at him I saw his softened eyes suffused with +sympathetic tears. + +"My poor fellow!" he said in a broken voice. + +It was too much. I sank to the pavement, saluting as I fell, and knew +no more. When I recovered consciousness in hospital I found in the +pocket of my coat an envelope containing the following: "Promoted to +the rank of corporal and invalided for three weeks, after which you +will take duty with your chauffeur." + +William Smith and I have severed diplomatic relations. It is better +so. + + * * * * * + +REJECTED OFFERINGS. + +MY DEAR _Mr. Punch_,--In these first few days after Christmas many of +your readers are no doubt faced, as we have been, with a problem which +is quite new to them. I hope they took the precaution--as we did--to +write and explain to all likely givers (1) that this was no year for +the exchange of Christmas gifts among grown-up people who have no need +for them; (2) that it was the opinion of all right-thinking persons +that no such gifts should be sent, and (3) that consequently they were +sending none and hoped to receive none. + +That is all right as far as it goes, but the problem remains of what +is to be done with those people who can't be stopped? We have had +several painful instances of this sort. The stuff has arrived, the +usual sort of non-war stuff, some of which must have cost quite a lot +of money, of which it may with truth be said, "your King and Country +need you." How were these things to be dealt with, since we felt that +we could not keep them? + +We found that no general treatment could be applied; we have had to +sort them out into groups, before deflecting them into the proper +courses. + +_Books_ to hospitals. In this case the matron is asked to acknowledge +them direct to the original giver. + +_Smoking Accessories_ (such as the newest pipe-filler and match-striker +and cigarette-case-opener and pouch-unfolder and cigar-holder-grip), +to the nearest male Belgian; and + +_All other portable presents_ to the nearest female Belgian. (These +two classes may be neatly acknowledged in the columns of the _Courier +Belge_.) + +_All larger presents_ (of the motor-car, pianola and sewing-machine +variety) to be sold by auction for the National Relief Fund. Marked +catalogue of the sale to be sent to the giver in proof of their safe +arrival. + + Yours, etc., + AN ORDINARY ENGLISHMAN. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Officer (instructing recruits in signalling)._ "DIDN'T +YOU GET THAT MESSAGE?" + +_Recruit._ "YES, SIR: 'THREE TAUBS AND A ZEPLIN COMIN' OVER THE 'ILL.'" + +_Officer._ "THEN WHY THE DEUCE DIDN'T YOU SEND IT ON?" + +_Recruit._ "WELL, SIR, I COULDN'T 'ARDLY BELIEVE IT."] + + * * * * * + + "The Surveyor reported that the owners of the manure heaps by + the Recreation Ground Tennis Courts had by now been covered + over with seaweed, etc., thus complying with the Council's + wishes."--_Barmouth Advertiser._ + +We hope this will be a lesson to them. + + * * * * * + +The usual formula for beginning a letter is thus neatly rendered by a +Hottentot Boy:-- + + "As I have a line to state just to let you know that I am + still soluberious under the superiority of the Supreme-Being, + hoping to hear the same likewise from you." + +We recommend it very heartily as a good opening for New Year's Eve +correspondence. + + * * * * * + +THE IMPERIAL INFANTICIDE. + + It was a mighty Emperor + Of ancient pedigree + Who said, "The future of our race + Lies on the rolling sea!" + And straightway laboured to fulfil + His royal guarantee. + + And when the Day had dawned, for which + He long had toiled and planned, + Unto his Grand High Admiral + He issued his command: + "Go forth, and smite the enemy + Upon his native strand." + + Sailing by night and veiled in mist, + His swiftest ships of war + Rained death on two defenceless towns + For half an hour or more, + Till they had slain and wounded babes + And women by the score. + + The Fatherland was filled with joy + By this heroic deed; + It gloated o'er the slaughtered babes + Of Albion's hated breed; + And Iron Crosses fell in showers + On those who'd made them bleed. + + But honest neutrals everywhere + Were sickened and dismayed; + The Turk, not squeamish as a rule, + No special glee betrayed; + And even Mr. BERNARD SHAW + Failed to defend the raid! + + Then more in sorrow than in wrath + The EMPEROR made moan: + "Though martyred and misunderstood + I tread my way alone, + At least I have the sympathy + Of God on His high throne." + + Then from the pillar and the cloud + Came accents clear and plain: + "The Massacre of Innocents + Passes the guilt of CAIN; + And those who sin with HEROD earn + His everlasting stain." + + * * * * * + +Two announcements at Hereford:-- + + "Cathedral Service, Sunday, Dec. 13th. + Preacher: Rev. H. M. Spooner. + + Baptist Chapel. + Lecture: 'Slips of Speech and Trips in Type.'" + +"Yes," said the President of New College on his way to the Cathedral, +"I know something about slips of speech, but what _are_ tips in +tripe?" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE NEW ARMY TO THE FRONT.] + + * * * * * + +THE NEXT? + +BOMBARDMENT OF LITTLE SHRIMPINGTON BY THE GERMAN FLEET. + +(_Extract from a Report by the German Admiral._) + +_Battle-cruiser_ "_Von Herod_." + +SIR,--With regard to the recent magnificent and hoch-compelling +exploit of the Imperial Squadron I have the honour to report as +follows:-- + +Our battle-cruisers sighted the strongly-fortified sea-coast town of +Little Shrimpington about 12.45, and at once opened a devastating +fire. A hostile abbey, situated in a commanding position at the cliff +top, and quite unmistakable (as at Whitby), was the first to fall. The +shelling of this edifice, to which I learn that the Christians attach +considerable importance, for some reason that I am unable to +comprehend, cannot fail to produce lively satisfaction among our brave +allies at Constantinople. + +Next turning our guns upon the golf links, in fifteen rounds we put +out of action a nine-hole course for ladies. Much confusion was +observed here amongst the enemy; the presence of troops being proved +by the movement of several bodies in bright scarlet. It is conjectured +from this that the supply of khaki is already exhausted. + +Magnificent execution was done upon the extensive sand castles with +which the foreshore was covered, and for which indeed it is renowned +throughout the island. Our heavy armament was in every case enabled to +demolish these, at the same time slaughtering the children and nurses +responsible for them. It is to be admitted however that at a more +favourable season of the year the execution here, good as it was, +would have been considerably better. + +Altogether some five hundred shells were fired, as recently at +Scarborough, and there can be no doubt that the enemy's casualties, in +women especially, must be very considerable. In addition, he is known +to have lost heavily in bathing-machines, and several super-rowing +boats were seen to sink at their moorings. + +Throughout the action the entire absence of any return fire had a most +heartening effect upon the personnel of the Imperial fleet, who were +thus enabled to work under what may be called conditions ideal to the +German fighting spirit. I cannot refrain from expressing my sense of +how greatly the magnificent result of the action was due to the +patriotic foresight of my chief officer, Fire-direktor Von Ketch, who, +having met with a motor accident when touring in England so lately as +last spring at the gates of Shrimpington Hall, had the good fortune to +be the guest for several weeks of the Frau Squire and her daughters. +Not only was the information thus obtained of the greatest assistance +in the general conduct of the operations, but we were enabled to place +our first six-inch shell exactly on the dining-room of the Hall at an +hour when the occupants were almost certainly assembled for lunch. + +The entire action occupied twenty-five minutes, and concluded with the +approach of the British patrol, when, acting in accordance with the +dictates of Imperial policy, we ran like hares. So satisfactory has +been this glorious and civilian-sanguinary encounter that our brave +fellows are now eager to try conclusions with the bath-chairs of +Bournemouth or the lobster-pots of Llandudno. It is indeed with true +sentiments of fraternal pride that the Imperial Navy is now able to +place the torn fragments of the Hague Convention beside those of the +Treaties so gloriously deleted by our brothers of the Imperial Army. + +I have the honour to be, Sir, etc., etc. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _First Urchin (to Captain who has just bought a new +motor-horn)._ "CARRY YER PARCEL, COLONEL?" + +_Second ditto (in a hoarse whisper)._ "GARN! CAN'T YER SEE 'E'S A +BUGLER?"] + + * * * * * + + "Note.--A kilometre is, roughly, five-fifths of a + mile."--_Newcastle Evening Chronicle._ + +The Press Bureau, while not objecting.... + + * * * * * + +VICTORINE. + +Victorine, our new general, is a Belgian refugee. She was naturally +somewhat broken in spirit on first entering our establishment, but as +the days went by she became happier, and so enterprising and +ingratiating that we hastened to smother in its infancy a shameful +doubt as to whether or not we had introduced into our sympathetic +bosoms a potential viper. Morning, noon and night there was continuous +scrubbing, polishing and beeswaxing; at all moments one was meeting a +pink and breathless Victorine, and the house echoed to an interminable +stream of information in the French tongue. + +At mealtime, the verdict having been duly pronounced on each +successive dish, Victorine would stand by while we ate, and unburden +herself confidentially. 'Mon mari' (Jean Baptiste, a co-refugee who +had searched all London for a place as _valet de chambre_) was lightly +touched upon. Belgium was described in glowing terms, a land of +wonders we had not dreamt of. + +"Miss will not believe me, but when first we arrive in England all the +world cries, 'Oh! regard then the little sheep!' For Mademoiselle must +know that in Belgium the sheep are high and big as that" (Victorine +sketches in the air the dimensions of a good-sized donkey). "Monsieur +mocks himself of me? Monsieur should visit my _pays_ where dwell the +sheep of a bigness and a fatness to rejoice the heart, and whose wool +is of a softness incredible; Monsieur would not then smile thus in his +beard." Victorine assumes an attitude of virtuous indignation, +disturbed by the ringing of the telephone bell. + +"I save myself," she murmurs. + +Through the half-open door we hear as usual only scraps of dialogue, +all on one side, and very unsatisfying. + +"Alloa! J'écoute! Madame, je ne parle que le français--hein?" Long +pause. "Alloa! Alloa!" Victorine rattles the instrument impatiently. +"Ah! ça y est! Si Madame désire que j'appelle Miss----? Quel nom? +Hein? Meesus Tsch--arch--kott. Mon Dieu----" + +Victorine lays down the receiver and comes back flushed into the +room. + +"C'est Meesus Arch-tsch-kott qui demande Miss au téléphone. She desire +to know if Miss will take the dinner with her. Are they difficult +these English names!" + +But English names are not Victorine's sole difficulty. She wrestles +(mentally) from time to time with the butcher and the baker and the +milkman. The milkman, it seems, is "un peu fou." Victorine greets him +in the mornings in voluble French, and he in return bows elaborately +and pretends to drop the milk. We have watched the process from an +upper window. Victorine takes a step backward, her hand flies to her +heart, and, as she afterwards informs us, "her blood gives but a turn" +at this exhibition of British wit. We have been wondering whether it +would be judicious to teach her to say, "Get along with yer." + +She is very prolific in "ideas," and seems to be chiefly inspired when +engaged in the uncongenial pastime of cleaning the grate. + +"Know you, Miss, that I have an idea, me?" + +"No, really, Victorine." + +"Yes," says Victorine, mournfully shaking her head, "but only an +idea." Victorine lays down her implements and places her hands on her +hips. "If," she says slowly, "this Meesus Schmeet who was with Mr. and +Miss before my arrival was a German spy, hein?" + +"But why, Victorine?" + +Victorine assumes an air of owl-like wisdom. + +"See here," she says, placing the forefinger of one hand on the thumb +of the other, "first she depart to care for the niece who is +suffering--it is generally the mother, but that imports not. Then," +counting along her fingers, "during three months she is absent, and, +thirdly," sinking her voice, "she sends for her _malles_, which +contain doubtless--who knows?--plans of London, designs of the +fortresses, and perhaps a telegraphy without wires--Marconi, what do I +know? Mademoiselle must admit that it has the air droll?" + +We do our best to allay Victorine's anxiety. She however is not at all +convinced, and evidently reserves to herself full liberty of action to +protect us from German espionage and the effects of our own +guilelessness at a later date. + +In the rare moments when not at work she is pensive, but her +imagination is by no means at rest. She gazes languidly out of the +window into "_ce brouillard_," as she fondly calls a slight morning +mist. The sparrows interest her. + +"See, Miss, a sparrow who carries a piece of bread big as a house; is +it then an English sparrow that accomplishes such prodigies?" + +Not quite fathoming the drift of Victorine's meditations we suggest +that it is perhaps a Belgian refugee sparrow, at which her amusement +is so intense that she is obliged to leave the room. + +Sometimes her fancy takes great flights, for she is very high-minded. +Her weekly bath gives rise to much lofty philosophical reflection, and +she has come to the firm conclusion that it is "mieux que manger." +Also she has great taste, of which she occasionally gives us the +benefit. She laughs scornfully at certain _objets d'art_ and praises +others. Ornaments, if they meet with her approval, are arranged in +rigid lines of continuous beauty, less favoured ones being pushed into +the background, and books are disposed with assumed carelessness in +thoughtful postures. Though it is plain she thinks little of our taste +in general, her disapproval is usually silent. It is therefore with +almost choking pride that we receive her praise, though it is often, +we fear, of a disingenuous nature. + +"It is plain that Miss has the eye artistic: that sees itself well in +the new basin she has bought to replace the one that fell by hazard +and burst itself. Monsieur also has the eye straight. In effect the +picture there that Monsieur designs is of a justness, but of a +justness! One would say the place itself," leaning back and half +closing her eyes. "In Belgium could it not be better done. No. It is +I, Victorine, who say it. If Monsieur has the false digestion, by +contrary it is evident that he has the head solid." + +But Victorine has a fault dark and grievous in the British eye. She +jibs at fresh air. + +"Surely Mr., and above all Miss, will take a congestion with the +window grand-open of that fashion? As for me I have the neuralgias to +make fear! Figure to yourself that in the kitchen the three windows +(where one would well suffice, go) if open make to pass a hurricane!" + +A short lecture follows, in which the ill effects of stuffiness are +pointed out, and Victorine is reduced to unconvinced and mutinous +silence. As the days pass a little acquiescence in "cette manie pour +les courants d'air" is visible, but at the slightest approach of cold +every aperture through which air may possibly find its way is +surreptitiously closed, and it is only when she is out with her +husband taking a walk or refreshing the inner man in a "café" with "un +peu de stoot" that we can penetrate by stealth into her bedroom and +air it. + +Jean Baptiste is for the moment in disgrace because he has not been to +see Victorine for a week. He is threatened with all sorts of penalties +when he finally decides to present himself. Primarily Victorine is +going to present him with _savon_, which appears in the vernacular to +be the Belgian equivalent for beans. She is also going to wash him the +head. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _First Old Dame._ "WELL, MY DEAR, AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING +FOR THE COUNTRY?" + +_Second ditto._ "I AM KNITTING SOCKS FOR THE TROOPS." + +_First Old Dame (robustly)._ "KNITTING! _I_ AM LEARNING TO SHOOT!"] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +_Sir John Lubbock_, whose Life, by Mr. HORACE HUTCHINSON, MACMILLAN +publishes in two volumes, was one of the most honourable men who +figured in public life during the last half-century. He was also one +of the most widely honoured. Under his name on the title-page of the +book appears a prodigious paragraph in small type enumerating the high +distinctions bestowed upon him by British and foreign literary and +scientific bodies. Forestalling the leisure of a bank-holiday I have +counted the list and find it contains no fewer than fifty-two high +distinctions, one for every week of the year. These were won not by +striking genius or brilliant talent. Sir JOHN LUBBOCK, to preserve a +name which the crowning honour of the peerage did not displace in the +public mind, was by nature and daily habit constitutionally +industrious. After Eton he joined his father's banking business. In +his diary under date Christmas Day, 1852, being the nineteenth year of +his age, he gives an account of how he spends his day. It is too long +to quote, but, beginning by "getting up at half-past six," it includes +steady reading in natural history, poetry, political economy, science, +mathematics and German. Breakfast, luncheon and tea are mentioned in +due course; but there is no reference to dinner or supper. These +functions were doubtless regarded by the young student as frivolous +waste of time. + +I knew LUBBOCK personally during his long membership of the House of +Commons. He had neither grace of diction nor charm of oratory. But he +had a way of getting Bills through all their stages which exceeded the +average attained by more attractive speakers. In his references to +Parliamentary life he mentions that GLADSTONE, when he proposed to +abolish the Income Tax, told him that he intended to meet the +deficiency partly by increase of the death duties. That was a +fundamental principle of the Budget Lord RANDOLPH CHURCHILL prepared +during his brief Chancellorship of the Exchequer. It was left to Sir +WILLIAM HARCOURT to realise the fascinating scheme, later to be +extended by Mr. LLOYD GEORGE. Another of Lord RANDOLPH'S personally +unfulfilled schemes was the introduction of one-pound notes. In a +letter dated 16th December, 1886, he confidentially communicated his +project to LUBBOCK. When his book reaches its second edition Mr. +HUTCHINSON will have an opportunity of correcting a misapprehension +set forth on page 48. He writes that, on June 21st, 1895, "all were +startled by an announcement that Mr. GLADSTONE had resigned and that +Parliament was to be dissolved." The surprise was not unnatural since +Lord ROSEBERY was Prime Minister at this memorable crisis. + + * * * * * + +I can see some good in most people, but none whatever in those +chairmen of meetings who, being put up to introduce distinguished +speakers, thoroughly well worth listening to, feel called upon to +delay matters by making lengthy speeches themselves. I propose to be +quite brief in announcing PROFESSOR STEPHEN LEACOCK on _Arcadian +Adventures with the Idle Rich_ (LANE). Conceive this arch-humourist +let loose, if so rough a term may be applied to so delicate a wit, +among the sordid and fleshly plutocracy of a progressive American +city; imagine his polished satire expending itself on such playful +themes as the running of fashionable churches on strictly commercial +lines, dogma and ritualism being so directed and adapted as to leave +the largest possible dividends on the Special Offertory Cumulative +Stock, and your appetite will be whetted for an intellectual feast of +the most delicious flavour. For myself, I found a certain quiet but +intense delight in the first five stories, episodes in the lives of +individual billionaires; but when I came to the last three, which +dealt with the class as a collective whole, then I became frankly +and noisily hilarious. I am not given to being tiresome in the +reading-room; it is another of the unforgivable offences; but I +defy any man of intelligence to read those chapters and retain even +a fair remnant of self-control. + + * * * * * + +_The Lighter Side of School Life_ (FOULIS) is one of the merriest and +shrewdest books that I have met for a long time. Mr. IAN HAY +pleasantly dedicates his work "to the members of the most responsible, +the least advertised, the worst paid, and the most richly rewarded +profession in the world"; and you will not have turned two pages +before discovering that the writer of them knows pretty thoroughly +what he is writing about. For my own part I claim to have some +experience both of schoolmasters and boys, and I can say at once that +the former at least have seldom been dealt with more faithfully than +by Mr. HAY. His chapter on "Some Form Masters" is a thing of the +purest joy; bitingly true, yet withal of a kindly sympathy with his +victims. One would say that he knows boys as well, were it not for the +conviction that to imagine any kind of understanding of Boydom is (if +my contemporaries will forgive me) the last enchantment of the +middle-aged, and the most fallacious. As for the Educational experts, +he has all the cold and calculated hate for them that is the mark of +experience. I admired especially his treatment of the "craze for +practical teaching," the theory which holds, for example, that, +instead of postulating a fixed relation between the circumference of a +circle and its diameter, a teacher should supply his boys with several +ordinary tin canisters, a piece of string and a ruler, and leave the +form to work out their own result. Decidedly, Mr. HAY has seen _The +Lighter Side of School Life_ with the eye of knowledge; and when I +mention that your own eyes will here encounter a dozen pictures by Mr. +LEWIS BAUMER at his delightful best--well, I suppose, enough said. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "KAISER BACK TO THE FRONT." + +(ATTEMPTED ILLUSTRATION TO A RECENT POSTER OF THE EVENING +PRESS.)] + + * * * * * + +At one time, I hope for ever gone, Mr. PERCY WHITE'S sense of irony +ran away with him. He seemed to have said to himself, "I can write +witty dialogue and I have a shrewd eye for foibles, and if you are not +satisfied with that you can take it or leave it." I for one took it, +but always with a feeling that he was offering me a sparkling wine of +a quality not first-rate, whereas with a little more trouble and +expense he could have offered me an unimpeachable brand. Now that +_Cairo_ (CONSTABLE) has provided me with what I have been waiting for, +I am more than delighted to present my acknowledgments. Mr. WHITE'S +subject is pat to the moment; moreover it is handled with such +unobtrusive skill that one absorbs a serious problem without being +anxiously conscious that all the play of intrigue and adventure is +covering a much deeper motive. When Mr. WHITE sent _Daniel Addington_ +to Egypt to meet _Abdul Sayed_, who had been at Oxford and was a +leader of the Young Egyptian party, he gave himself a chance of which +he has taken full advantage. It is true that _Addington_ cried a pest +on all politics as soon as he fell a victim to the charms of _Ann +Donne_, a widow of excessive sprightliness; but by that time he was +too deeply enmeshed in the nets of intrigue to escape the just reward +of those amateurs who dabble with critical situations. _Abdul_ +regarded him as a "milksop," and so he was from _Abdul's_ full-blooded +point of view; but I can also see in him a fresh testimony to the +courage of our race. For he married the widow _Ann_, and that was a +very plucky thing to do. + + * * * * * + +The only thing that I didn't like about _Molly, My Heart's Delight_ +(SMITH, ELDER) was the title. But to allow yourself to be put off by +this will be to miss one of the pleasantest books of the season. What +I might call true fiction has always held a peculiar charm for me. In +the present work that clever writer, KATHARINE TYNAN, has been lucky +and astute enough to find an ideal heroine, ready made to her +hand, in the person of the charming woman who married DEAN DELANY. +Upon the basis of her diaries and letters the romance has been built +up, with the excellent result of a blend of art and actuality that +is most engaging. _Molly_ is the gayest of creatures in her girlhood. +We see her character develop gradually, tamed and half broken by +her unhappy first marriage (an episode exquisitely treated, so that +even the ugly side of it bears yet some precious jewels of charity +and long-suffering), tried in the fire of romantic adoration, and +finally reaching its appointed destiny in the comradeship with +"kind, tender, faithful D.D." Lovers of diaries and memoirs, +equally with those who like a graceful tale well told, will find what +they want here, from the moment when its heroine goes, a girl-bride, +to the romantically gloomy house of Rhoscrow, to that other moment +when the placid mistress of the Deanery hears of the death of +_Bellamy_, the man whom all her life she really loved. This book of +_Molly_ should be a "heart's delight" to many. + + * * * * * + + "ARIZONA BILL VIOLATES TREATIES."--_New York Times._ + +So does Potsdam BILL. + + * * * * * + +PUNCH IN THE TRENCHES. + +_Mr. Punch_ drew another letter from the heap on his office-desk and +opened it. + +_Polwheedle, Cornwall._ + +DEAR _Mr. Punch_,--An amusing incident happened here yesterday. I was +talking to an old countryman, a great character in the village, and I +happened to make some remark about the War. "What war?" asked old +Jarge. "The European War," I answered in surprise. "Well," he said, +"they've got a fine day for it." I thought this would interest you. + + Yours etc., + JOHN BROWN. + +"Two hundred and eighteen," said _Mr. Punch_ to himself, and took the +next letter from the heap. + +_Wortleberry, Sussex._ + +Mr. William Smith presents his compliments to _Mr. Punch_ and begs to +send him the following dialogue which occurred in this village +yesterday:-- + +_Myself._ "Well, what do you think of the War, Jarge?" + +_Jarge._ "What war?" + +_Myself (surprised)._ "The European War." + +_Jarge._ "They've got a fine day for it, anyhow." + +Mr. Smith thought you would like this. + +"Two hundred and nineteen," said _Mr. Punch_ to himself, "not counting +the South African or Crimean ones." He sighed and selected a third +letter. + +_Sporransprock, Kirkcudbrightshire._ + +DEAR _Mr. Punch_,--How's this? I asked a native what he thought of the +War. On being told which war, he replied, "Eh, mon, ye ken, but +they've got a gran'----" + +At this point _Mr. Punch_ rose from his chair and began to pace the +room restlessly. + +"There must be more in life than this," he said to himself again and +again; "this can't be all." + +He looked at his watch. + +"Yes," he murmured, "that's it. I shall just have time." + +Hastily donning the military overcoat of an Honorary Cornet-Major of +the Bouverie Street Roughriders, he left for the Front. + + * * * * * + +Mud, and then again mud, and then very much more mud. + +"Halt! Who goes there?" "Friend," said _Mr. Punch_ hopefully. "It's +_Mr. Punch_," said a cheerful voice. "Come in." + +The Cornet-Major of the B.S.R. glissaded into the trench and found +himself shaking hands with a very young subaltern of the ----th ----s. +[_Censored._] + +"Thought I recognised you," he said. "Glad to see you out here, Sir." + +"That's really what I came about," said _Mr. Punch_. "I want your +advice." + +"My advice! Good Lord!... Sure you're comfortable there? Now what'll +you have? Cigar or barley-sugar?" _Mr. Punch_ accepted a cigar. + +"We're all for barley-sugar ourselves just now," the subaltern went +on. "Seems kiddish, but there it is." + +_Mr. Punch_ lit his cigar and proceeded to explain himself. + +"I say that I have come to consult you," he began. "It seems strange, +you think. I am seventy-three, and you are----" + +"Twenty-two," said the subaltern. "Next November." + +"And yet Seventy-three comes here to sit at the feet of Twenty-two, +and for every encouraging word that Twenty-two offers him Seventy-three +will say 'Thank you!'" + +"Rats," said Twenty-two for a start. + +"Let me explain," said the Venerable One. "There come moments in the +life of every man when he says suddenly to himself, 'What am I doing? +Is it worth it?'--a moment when the work of which he has for years +been proud seems all at once to be of no value whatever." The +subaltern murmured something. "No, not necessarily indigestion. There +may be other causes. Well, such a moment has just come to me ... and I +wondered." He hesitated, and then added wistfully, "Perhaps you could +say something to help me." + +"The pen," said the subaltern, coughing slightly, "is mightier than +the sword." + +"It is," said the Sage. "I've often said so ... in Peace time." + +The subaltern blushed as he searched his mind for the Historic +Example. + +"Didn't WOLFE say that he would rather have written what's-its-name +than taken Quebec?" he asked hesitatingly. + +"Yes, he did. And for most of his life the poet would have agreed with +him. But, if at the moment when he read of the taking of Quebec you +had asked GRAY, I think he would have changed places with WOLFE very +willingly.... And in Bouverie Street," added _Mr. Punch_, "we read of +the takings of Quebecs almost every day." + +The subaltern was thoughtful for a moment. + +"I'll tell you a true story," he said quietly. "There was a man in +this trench who had his leg shot off. They couldn't get him away till +night, and here he had to wait for the whole of the day.... He stuck +it out.... And what do you think he stuck it out on?" + +"Morphia?" suggested _Mr. Punch_. + +"Partly on morphia, and partly on--something else." + +"Yes?" said _Mr. Punch_ breathlessly. + +"Yes--_you_. He read ... and he laughed ... and by-and-by the night +came." + +A silence came over them both. Then _Mr. Punch_ got up quietly. + +"Good-bye," he said, holding out his hand, "and thank you. That moment +I spoke about seems to have gone." He took a book from under his arm +and placed it in the other's hands. "I generally give this away with +rather a flourish," he confessed. "This time I'll just say, 'Will you +take it?' It's all there; all that I think and hope and dream, and +that you out here are doing.... Good luck to you--and let me help some +more of you to stick it out." + +And with that he returned to Bouverie Street, leaving behind in the +trench his + +[Illustration: One Hundred and Forty-Seventh Volume.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: INDEX] + +Cartoons. + + PARTRIDGE, BERNARD. + At the Post of Honour, 203 + Children's Truce (The), 519 + Chronic Complaint (A), 459 + Eagle Comique (The), 419 + Emergency Exit (The), 11 + Excursionist (The), 379 + Giving the Show Away, 319 + Glorious Example (A), 399 + God (and the Women) our Shield, 223 + Hail! Russia, 243 + Killed, 499 + King at the Front (The), 479 + Masterpiece in the Making (A), 51 + Mutual Service, 131 + New Army to the Front (The), 539 + Pattern of Chivalry (A), 439 + Plain Duty (A), 359 + Resort to the Obvious (A), 91 + Road to Russia (The), 299 + Triumph of "Culture" (The), 185 + Unconquerable, 339 + What of the Dawn?, 111 + World's Enemy (The), 167 + + RAVEN-HILL, L. + At Durazzo-super-Mare, 83 + Beaten on Points, 23 + Carrying on, 431 + Coming of the Cossacks (The), 177 + Cool Stuff, 123 + Dishonoured, 531 + Forewarned, 371 + For Friendship and Honour, 151 + Fulfilment, 511 + Good Hunting, 411 + Greater Game (The), 331 + Great Goth (The), 281 + Great Illusion (The), 263 + His Master's Voice, 391 + India for the King, 215 + Innocent (The), 471 + Joseph Chamberlain, 71 + Limit (The), 351 + Made in Germany, 235 + North Sea Chantey (A), 311 + Political Jungle (The), 40-41 + Power Behind (The), 103 + Sinews of War (The), 491 + To Arms, 195 + Well Met, 161 + When the Ships come Home, 3 + + TOWNSEND, F. H. + Boer and Briton Too, 273 + Bravo, Belgium, 143 + Incorrigibles (The), 291 + Liberal Cave-Men (The), 63 + Men of Few Words, 451 + Nothing Doing, 255 + + * * * * * + +Articles. + + BOYLE, W. P. + In Memory, 280 + + BRIGHTWELL, L. R. + Another Misjudged Alien, 465 + Notes by a War Dog, 385 + + BROWN, C. HILTON + Cottage (The), 138 + Little Brother, 495 + + CALDECOTT, H. S. + Paris Again, 426 + + CAMPBELL, A. Y. + Stick to it, Right Wing, 335 + + CHALMERS, P. R. + At the Tower, 62 + Bees (The), 121 + Fact and Fable, 110 + Fan, 435 + Guns of Verdun, 202 + Infantry, 222 + In the City, 181 + Jules François, 315 + Kings from the East, 260 + Kitty Adair, 98 + Lady's Walk (The), 377 + Prima Donna (The), 31 + Southdowns (The), 343 + Steeple (The), 279 + To Limehouse, 251 + Wilhelm, 348 + Wireless, 395 + + COBB, MISS J. + Willow Pattern Plate (The), 503 + + COCHRANE, A. + Sporting Despatch (A), 464 + Tirpitz Touch (The), 242 + + COLLINS, G. H. + To a Super-Patriot, 413 + + CRESWELL, BULKELEY + Rubbing It In, 56 + + DARK, RICHARD + Love's Labour Not Lost, 474 + Voice in the Night (A), 536 + + DAVEY, NORMAN + R.G.A. 536 + + DRENNAN, W. ST. G. + Docthor's War Speech (The), 424 + Tommy Brown, Auctioneer, 466 + Tommy Brown, Patriot, 394 + Tommy Brown, Recruiting Sergeant, 330 + + DUFFIELD, E. N. + Silvern Tongue (The), 268 + + DUFFIN, MISS + Barbara's Birthday Bear, 524 + + ECKERSLEY, ARTHUR + Cutting Down, 268 + New News (The), 179 + Next (The), 541 + Pacificist (The), 238 + + EDEN, MRS. H. P. + Prize (The), 521 + + ELIAS, F. + How Germany Came Off, 194 + How War is "Made in Germany", 163 + Mails for a Mailed Fist, 498 + Sound and Fury, 279 + Why I Don't Enlist, 410 + Works of Kultur, 341 + + EMANUEL, WALTER + Catch (The), 259 + Charivaria, weekly + Nut's Views on the War (A), 306 + + FAY, STANLEY J. + Plea for Pegasus (A), 166 + Price of Patriotism (The), 430 + + FORSTER, R. H. + Food War (A), 259 + + GARVEY, MISS INA + Blanche's Letters, 68, 206, 396 + + GITTINS, H. N. + Double Cure (The), 129 + Exercise 1, 95 + + GLASGOW, MRS. R. + On Earth--Peace, 521 + + GRAHAM, SCOTT + Militant's Tariff (The), 15 + + GRAVES, C. L. + Burgomaster Max, 301 + Father Wilhelm, 397 + Freedom of the Press (The), 483 + Imperial Infanticide (The), 537 + Minor War Games, 501 + New School of Divinity (The), 257 + Passing of the Cow (The), 137 + Super-Sympathy, 239 + To Mr. Bernard Jaw, 430 + Two Germanies (The), 213 + War's Revenges, 464 + Woman at the Fight, 25 + + GRAVES, C. L., AND LUCAS, E. V. + Answers to Correspondents, 171 + Archibong, 382 + As Others Wish to See Us, 381 + Aunt Louisa's Song Scena, 414 + Balm for the Brainless, 16 + Choice (The), 278 + Feline Amenities, 187 + First Blunder (The), 230 + From Another Point of View, 189 + Heroes (The), 209 + Limit of Ignorance (The), 424 + Meditations on Mushrooms, 286 + Mutability, 105 + My Brother's Letter, 326 + My Favourite Paper, 404 + My Hardy Annual, 126 + Our Literary War Lords, 378 + Our Mighty Penmen, 476 + Our Overburdened Heroes, 226 + Oxford in Transition, 82 + Politics at the Zoo, 30 + Progress of Man (The), 106 + Real Hero of the War (The), 532 + Real Reason (The), 361 + Renamed Celebrities, 313 + Santa Claus at the Front, 522 + Surprise (The), 346 + Volumes, 145 + White Man's Burden (The), 355 + + HASELDEN, PERCY + En Passant, 192 + Moon-Pennies, 304 + Searchlights on the Mersey, 478 + To a Pompadour Clock, 269 + + HASTINGS, B. MACDONALD + Keeping in the Limelight, 515 + + HODGKINSON, T. + Benefactor (A), 462 + Diplomacy, 94 + Forlorn Hope (The), 486 + Imports and Exports, 247 + Repatriation, 426 + Silent Charmer (The), 16 + Stable Information, 497 + To a Jaded German Pressman, 306 + Viking Spirit (The), 170 + Wiser Choice (The), 135 + + HUGHES, C. E. + Restorative Power of Music (The), 150 + + JENKINS, ERNEST + Another Innocent Victim of the War, 373 + Our Colossal Arrangements, 107 + Things That Do Not Matter, 321 + + JOHNSTON, ALEC + How Will You Take It?, 219 + News from the Back of the Front, 470 + Private View (The), 165 + + KEIGWIN, R. P. + Casus Belli, 366 + Four Sea Lords (The), 478 + To a Naval Cadet, 266 + + KIDD, ARTHUR + Awakening (The), 287 + Fortune's Favourite, 198 + Kill or Cure, 530 + Our Daily Bread, 308 + Prophets (The), 505 + Strategic Disease, 416 + Tours in Fact and Fancy, 58 + + KINGSLEY-LONG, H. + With High Heart, 343 + + KNOX, E. G. V. + Awakening (The), 87, 433 + Cocoanuts, 127 + Cut Flowers, 122 + Double Life (The), 148 + Error in Arcady (An), 116 + Foiling of "The Blare" (The), 117 + Great Petard (The), 375 + Great Shock (The), 338 + In Darkest Germany, 358 + Jesting of Jane (The), 55 + Kaiser's Hate (The), 415 + Misused Talent (The), 393 + New Noah's Ark (The), 234 + Ode to the Spirit of Wireless Victory, 262 + Peace with Honour, 458 + Progress, 1 + Purple Lie (The), 22 + Saving of Stratford (The), 295 + Scratch Handicap (The), 188 + Tempering the Wind, 65 + Twilight in Regent's Park, 318 + Valhalla, 276 + + LANGLEY, F. O. + Extenuating Circumstance (The), 146 + Helpmeet (The), 304 + Payment in Kind, 66 + Sinecure (The), 82 + Watch Dogs (The), 183, 200, 258, 284, 314, 353, 398, 453, 494, + 534 + + LAWS, A. GORDON + Censor Habit (The), 221 + + LAWRENCE C. E. + As England Expects, 260 + + LEGARD, T. F. + Victorine, 542 + + LEHMANN, R. C. + Amanda, 75 + Compulsion, 98 + Crisis (The), 102 + Determined Island (A), 142, 160, 176 + Diary of a Kaiser, 214 + For the Children, 435 + Khaki Muffler (The), 364 + Ode to John Bradbury, 208 + Packer's Plaint (The), 130 + Search for Paddington (The), 486 + Teeth-Setting, 247 + Unwritten Letters to the Kaiser, 254, 272, 290, 310, 345, 370, + 390, 426, 450, 493, 510, 530 + Walkers (The), 10 + + LETTS, W. M. + Sea Change (A), 301 + + LODGE, ARTHUR A. + Enigma, 6 + + LUCAS, E. V. + Entente in Being (The), 481 + Marne Footnote (A), 504 + Once Upon a Time, 18, 26, 76, 85 + + LUCY, HENRY + Essence of Parliament, Weekly during Session. + "Charlie" Beresford, 401 + + LULHAM, H. + Bob's Way, 259 + + LUMLEY, L. + Guarded Green (The), 78 + My Girl Caddie, 138 + + LYON, MISS L. BOWES + Britain to Belgium, 381 + + MACLAREN, N. + Peacemaker (The), 535 + + MARTIN, N. R. + Doubt, 267 + False Pretences, 355 + Great Campaign (The), 241 + Our Guy, 374 + Recruiting Ballad (A), 443 + Report Fallacious (The), 374 + Terrors of War (The), 484 + Too Much Championship, 69 + War in Acacia Avenue (The), 303 + + MCKAY, HERBERT + Top Slice (The), 108 + + MILNE, A. A. + Armageddon, 128 + At the Play, 210, 222, 246, 286 + Christmas Spirit (The), 516 + Double Mystery (The), 336 + Enchanted Castle (The), 2 + Enter Bingo, 316 + Evangelist (The), 254 + Fatal Gift (The), 198 + First Tee (The), 89 + High Jinks at Happy-Thought Hall, 496 + James Feels Better, 240 + Last Line (The), 275, 293, 356, 416, 476 + Midsummer Madness (A), 28 + Old Order Changes (The), 164 + Patriot (The), 436 + Peace Cigar (The), 376 + Problem of Life (The), 146 + Question of Light (A), 456 + "They Also Serve", 182 + Two Recruiting Sergeants (The), 218 + Warm Half-Hour (A), 62 + + MULGREW, FRANK + Scandalmongrian Romance (A), 7 + + O'CARROLL, T. LOCKE + Archbishop's Apologia (The), 455 + + OGILVIE, W. H. + War Horse of the King (A), 280 + + PHILPOTTS, EDEN + Cannon Fodder, 305 + + PLUMBE, C. CONWAY + Debt of Honour (A), 422 + Home Thoughts from the Trenches, 496 + India: 1784-1914, 296 + + POPE, MISS JESSIE + His First Victory, 217 + Little and Good, 383 + Outpost (The), 239 + Royal Cracksman (A), 338 + + RICHARDSON, R. J. + Lost Season (The), 364 + + RIGBY, REGINALD + Another War Scare, 475 + Arrest (The), 363 + Counting of Chickens (The), 230 + Mark of Distinction (A), 78 + Safeguards, 418 + Suppressed Superman (The), 516 + Unintelligent Anticipation, 334 + + RITTENBERG, MAX + Beats, 322 + Column of Adventure (The), 208 + Mystery of Prince ---- (The), 383 + Old Bulldog Breed (The), 424 + Slump in Crime (The), 342 + Wild and Woolly West End (The), 444 + + SEAMAN, OWEN + Another Scrap of Paper, 290 + At the Play, 96, 246, 286, 302, 344, 434, 506 + Avengers (The), 194 + Between Midnight and Morning, 490 + Call of England (The), 176 + Canute and the Kaiser, 350 + Dies Iræ, 160 + Earl Roberts (In Memory), 438 + Egypt in Venice, 5 + For the Red Cross, 214 + Imperial Overture (An), 272 + Joseph Chamberlain (In Memory), 70 + Leaves from an Imperial Note Book, 234 + Old Sea-Rover Speaks (The), 510 + Patriot Under Fire (A), 22 + Probation, 254 + Pro Patria, 142 + Thomas of the Light Heart, 310 + To a False Patriot, 370 + To the Bitter End, 410 + To the Enemy on his Achievement, 330 + To the Neutral Nations, 450 + To the Shirker: A Last Appeal, 390 + Truthful Willie, 470 + Uses of Ocean (The), 102 + War-Lord's New Year's Eve (The), 530 + + SMITH, BERTRAM + Attack on German Trade (The), 197 + Christmas Presents, 1914, 502 + Cure for Cricket (The), 17 + Dispositions, 237 + Inquisition (The), 76 + Interpreters (The), 296 + Nature of a Moratorium (The), 159 + Our Dumb Enemies, 383 + Our National Guests, 406, 444, 502 + Sunday Evening Edition (The), 333 + War Declarations, 220 + War Items, 341 + War Mementoes, 454 + + SMITH, MISS CICELY FOX + Return of the Prodigal (The), 538 + + SMITH, E. B. + Zeitungs and Gazettings, 342 + + SPENDER, MISS BRENDA + Capture (A), 514 + Herbert, 386 + + STERNE, ASHLEY + Arms and the Woman, 250 + Candidate for the Force (A), 199 + Christmas Present for the Queen (A), 483 + Last Bottle (The), 446 + Mnemonics, 136 + My Trousseau, 86 + On Active Service, 156 + Our War Story, 323 + Rash Assumption (A), 473 + Tobacco Plant (A), 405 + Too Much Notice, 526 + + SYMNS, J. M. + Grey Gibbons, 403 + Missionary (The), 115 + + TATHAM, M. + Retrospective, 97 + + THOROLD, R. A. + Opportunists (The), 463 + Price of War (The), 404 + Traitor (The), 315 + + TOMBS, J. S. M. + Love's Labour Well Lost, 108 + Love's Logic, 15 + Professional Attitude (The), 61 + Seasonable Beverage (A), 28 + + TRUSCOTT, PARRY + At the "Plough and Horses", 325 + War and the High Hand, 350 + + WHAITE, M. H. HOYLE + Mr. Punch's War Correspondence, 277 + Tragic Mistake at Potsdam (A), 423 + + WHITE, R. F. + All Liars' Day, 118 + Mr. Punch's Holiday Stories, 134, 154, 169, 190, 210, 228, 248 + New Art(A), 365 + Seaside Song Scena (A), 26 + Unplayed Masterpiece (An), 88 + + * * * * * + +Pictures and Sketches. + + ARMOUR, G. D., 44, 65, 97, 117, 139, 157, 165, 189, 199, 267, 287, + 303, 323, 335, 365, 385, 407, 427, 445, 467, 485, 507, 527, + 537 + + BAUMER, LEWIS, 15, 29, 32, 85, 110, 245, 271, 305, 337, 361, 369, + 453, 478 + + BAYNES, PHILIP, 17, 46 + + BELCHER, GEORGE, 59, 79, 137, 145, 173, 219, 237, 275, 307, 321, + 347, 375, 447, 475, 521 + + BIRD, W., 38, 61, 121, 238, 251, 314, 362, 389, 489, 529 + + BRIAULT, S., 294 + + BRIGHTWELL, L. R., 415, 514 + + BROOK, RICARDO, 284, 309, 384, 402, 409, 494, 528 + + CALOR, T., 374 + + COBB, MISS RUTH, 429 + + CROSS, STANLEY, 278, 414 + + DOWD, J. H., 94, 231 + + FENNING, WILSON, 21 + + FRASER, P., 54, 158, 328, 348, 349, 454, 534 + + GERMAN, DICK, 449, 502 + + GRAVE, CHARLES, 6, 69, 95, 126, 181, 213, 250, 265, 289, 465, 469, + 482, 526 + + HALLIDAY, W., 106 + + HARRISON, C., 38, 46, 159, 241, 302, 306, 522 + + HART, FRANK, 155, 327, 343, 423 + + HASELDEN, W. K., 96, 210, 434, 506 + + HENRY, THOMAS, 508 + + HICKLING, P. B., 115, 301 + + ILLINGWORTH, F. W., 270 + + JENNIS, G., 227, 277, 355 + + KING, GUNNING, 397 + + LEWIN, F. G., 474 + + LLOYD, A. W., 13, 53, 73, 74, 93, 113, 133, 134, 153, 154, 162, 170, + 175, 180, 205, 206, 228, 230, 233, 245, 266 + + LOW, HARRY, 448 + + LUNT, WILMOT, 99, 345, 398, 463 + + MCHUTCHON, F., 220 + + MILES, M., 354 + + MILLS, A. WALLIS, 7, 47, 75, 101, 135, 149, 174, 191, 193, 207, 247, + 259, 285, 317, 333, 363, 382, 394, 425, 455, 495, 538 + + MINNS, B. E., 27, 86 + + MORROW, EDWIN A., 14, 80, 81, 147 + + MORROW, GEORGE, 9, 43, 48, 49, 50, 60, 77, 100, 120, 140, 190, 212, + 232, 252, 288, 308, 325, 387, 401, 428, 435, 468, 488, 498, + 509 + + NORRIS, A., 26, 221, 322 + + PARTRIDGE, BERNARD, 1, 31 + + PATTEN, L., 368 + + PEARS, CHARLES, 129, 269 + + PEGRAM, FRED, 171, 357, 418, 505, 525, 541 + + PETT, NORMAN, 141 + + RAVEN-HILL, L., 36, 107, 166, 187, 209, 257, 358, 383, 515, 518 + + REYNOLDS, FRANK, 211, 261, 279, 395, 487 + + REYNOLDS, PERCY T., 342, 483 + + RHEAD, F. A., 381 + + ROUNTREE, HARRY, 295, 443, 503 + + SHEPARD, E. H., 45, 57, 66, 130, 183, 201, 222, 298, 318, 338, 378, + 417, 517, 543 + + SHEPPERSON, C. A., 10, 34, 35, 90, 109, 184, 202, 249, 262, 280, + 293, 315, 341, 367, 377, 413, 433, 458, 481, 501, 535 + + SIMMONS, GRAHAM, 67 + + SKINNER, H. F. C., 446 + + SMITH, A. T., 19, 30, 55, 87, 114, 127 + + STAMPA, G. L., 37, 119, 169, 192, 229, 242, 253, 297, 329, 388, 405, + 437, 457, 477, 523 + + THOMAS, BERT, 422, 497 + + THORPE, J. H., 403 + + TERRY, STAN, 20 + + TOWNSEND, F. H., 5, 25, 33, 37, 89, 105, 125, 150, 163, 179, 197, + 217, 225, 239, 283, 313, 334, 353, 373, 393, 421, 441, 442, + 461, 473, 493, 513, 533 + + WESTRUP, MISS E. K., 408 + + WILSON, DAVID, 172, 246, 462 + + WOOD, STARR, 188 + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FINIS] + + * * * * * + + + + +Transcriber Notes + +Page 538 was moved to just after page 535, as the Peace-Maker article +clearly begins on page 538 and concludes on page 536. + +Other typographical inconsistencies that have been changed are listed +below. + +Archaic and variable spelling is preserved. + +Editors' punctuation style is preserved. + +Passages in italics indicated by _underscores_. + +Passages in bold indicated by =equal signs=. + + +Transcriber Changes + +The following changes were made to the original text: + + Page 529: Was 'If' (=It= is said that for some time past he + would start nervously) + + Page 542: Added period (for she is very =high-minded.= Her + weekly bath gives rise to) + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +147, December 30, 1914, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 29669-8.txt or 29669-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/9/6/6/29669/ + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer, +Katherine Ward, and the Online Distributed Proofreading +Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 147, December 30, 1914 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: August 11, 2009 [EBook #29669] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer, +Katherine Ward, and the Online Distributed Proofreading +Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<div><span class='pagenum'><a id='page529' name='page529'></a>[pg 529]</span></div> +<h1>PUNCH,<br /> +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> +<h2>VOLUME 147.</h2> +<hr class="full" /> +<h2 class="smcap">December 30, 1914.</h2> +<hr class="full" /> +<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> +<p><span class='smcap'>Abdul</span> the D—d is said to feel it +keenly that, when the British decided +to appoint a Sultan in Egypt, they did +not remember that he was out of a job.</p> +<hr class='short' /> +<p>Meanwhile <span class='smcap'>Abbas</span> Pasha is reported +to have had a presentiment that he +would one day be replaced by <span class='smcap'>Kamel</span> +Pasha. <a name='TC_1'></a><ins title="Was 'If'">It</ins> is said that for some time +past he would start nervously whenever +he heard the band of a Highland regiment +playing "The Kamel's a-coming."</p> +<hr class='short' /> +<p>We have very little doubt that the +German newspapers are publishing +photographs of Whitby +Abbey, and claiming the entire +credit for its ruined condition.</p> +<hr class='short' /> +<p>It remained for <i>The Times</i> +to chronicle the Germans' most +astounding feat. It happened +at Hartlepool. "A chimney +nearly 200 feet in height, on +the North-Eastern Railway +hydraulic power-station, was," +our contemporary tells us, +"grazed by a projectile about +100 yards above its base."</p> +<hr class='short' /> +<p>The Archbishop of <span class='smcap'>York</span>, +who was one of the <span class='smcap'>Kaiser's</span> +few apologists, is said to feel +keenly that potentate's ingratitude +in selecting for bombardment +two unprotected bathing-places +in his Grace's diocese.</p> +<hr class='short' /> +<p>It is widely rumoured that +<span class='smcap'>Wilhelm</span> is conferring a +special medal on the perpetrators +of this and similar outrages, +to be called the Kaiser-ye-Hun +medal.</p> +<hr class='short' /> +<p>Some of the German newspapers +have been organising a +symposium on the subject of how to +spend the coming Christmas. Herr +<span class='smcap'>Arthur von Gwinner</span>, director of the +Deutsche Bank, is evidently something +of a humourist. "More than ever," he +says, "in the exercise of works of love +and charity." We rather doubt whether +the Herr Direktor's irony will be +appreciated in high quarters.</p> +<hr class='short' /> +<p>A message from Amsterdam says +that there are signs in Berlin of +discontent with the German Chancellor +and his staff, and patriots are calling +for a "clean sweep." The difficulty, +of course, is that, while there are +plenty of sweeps in Germany, it is not +easy to find a clean one.</p> +<hr class='short' /> +<p>"Immediately after his arrival at +Rome," says <i>The Liverpool Echo</i>, +"Prince Buelow proceeded to the Villa +Malte, his usual residence at Rome, +where he will stay until he takes up +his quarters at the Caffarelli police." +Our alleged harsh treatment of aliens +fades into insignificance by the side of +this!</p> +<hr class='short' /> +<p>General Baron <span class='smcap'>von Bissing</span>, the +Governor-General of Belgium, has informed +a German journal that the +<span class='smcap'>Kaiser</span> has "very specially commanded +him to help the weak and oppressed +in Belgium." By whom, we wonder, +are the Belgians being oppressed?</p> +<p>The same journal announces that +General <span class='smcap'>von Diedenhofen</span>, the commander +at Karlsruhe, has issued a +proclamation expressing his "indignation +at the dishonourable conduct" +of three German Red-Cross Nurses who +have married wounded French prisoners. +It certainly does look like taking advantage +of the poor fellows when they were +more or less helpless.</p> +<hr class='short' /> +<p>We hear that considerable ill-feeling +has been caused in certain quarters of +Paris by a thoughtless English newspaper +calling the Germans "the Apaches +of Europe."</p> +<hr class='short' /> +<p>A German critic has been expatiating +on the trouble we must have in feeding +an Army with so many different tastes +and creeds. Commenting on this, <i>The +Evening Standard</i> says: "This is not +a surprising matter from our point of +view, but the German cast-iron system +does not lend itself either in thought +or practice to adaptability." Some +people, we believe, imagine the Germans +feed, without exception, on +Pickelhauben.</p> +<hr class='short' /> +<p>A little while ago the Germans were +claiming our <span class='smcap'>Shakspeare</span>. We now +hear that a forthcoming production at +His Majesty's Theatre has set them +longing, in view of the scarcity of the +metal, for our <i>Copperfield</i>.</p> +<hr class='short' /> +<p>Mr. <span class='smcap'>Thomas Burt</span>, M.P., +Father of the House of Commons, +has decided to resign his +seat in Parliament. This does +not however mean that the +House will be left an orphan. +Another father will be found +at once.</p> +<hr class='short' /> +<p>It is rumoured that, after +the War is over, a statue is to +be erected to the Censor at +Blankenberghe, in Belgium.</p> +<hr class='short' /> +<p>A tale from the Front. "The +enemy are continuing to fortify +the coast, Sir," said the subaltern. +"I don't care if they +fiftify it," roared his commanding +officer; "it'll make +no difference." This shows +the British spirit.</p> +<hr /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%;"> +<a href="images/529.png"> +<img src="images/529.png" title="" alt="But you aren't tall enough" width="100%" /></a> +<p class="smcap">"But you aren't tall enough."</p> +<p class="smcap">"Well, can I go as a drummer-boy?"</p> +<p class="smcap">"I'm afraid you're too old for that."</p> +<p class="smcap">"Well, then—dash it all! I'll go as a mascot."</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>A Sensational Statement.</h3> +<blockquote> +<p>"General Smuts stated that there +were in the field at the present time, +not including those training, more +than —— men."—<i>Daily Telegraph.</i></p> +</blockquote> +<p>This is headed "South Africa's +Forces," and may have been +an actual piece of news until +it reached the Censor.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>Another Impending Apology.</h3> +<p>We read beneath a photograph in +<i>The Graphic</i>:—</p> +<blockquote> +<p>"Miss <span class='smcap'>Pauline Prim</span>—the cat in the +Aldwych Pantomime, as she is in real life."</p> +</blockquote> +<hr /> +<h3>The Troubles of Neutrality.</h3> +<p>From a recent Geography Examination +paper:—</p> +<blockquote> +<p>"Holland is a low country: in fact it is +such a very low country that it is no wonder +that it is damned all round."</p> +</blockquote> +<hr /> +<p>A correspondent writes:—</p> +<blockquote> +<p>"It is to be hoped that nothing further will +be heard of these various proposals to intern +the <span class='smcap'>Kaiser</span> at St. Helena. One would have +thought that there had been quite sufficient +desecration already of places of historic +interest."</p> +</blockquote> +<hr /> +<div><span class='pagenum'><a id='page530' name='page530'></a>[pg 530]</span></div> +<h2>THE WAR-LORD'S NEW YEAR'S EVE.</h2> +<div class='poem'><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Kaiser</span>, what vigil will you keep to-night?</p> +<p class="i2">Before the altar will you lay again</p> +<p>Your "shining armour," and renew your plight</p> +<p class="i2">To wear it ever clean of stain?</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p>Or, while your priesthood chants the Hymn of Hate,</p> +<p class="i2">Like incense will you lift to God your breath</p> +<p>In praise that you are privileged by fate</p> +<p class="i2">To do His little ones to death?</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p>Will Brother <span class='smcap'>Henry</span>, knowing well the scene</p> +<p class="i2">That saw your cruisers' latest gallant feat,</p> +<p>Kneel at your side, and ask with pious mien</p> +<p class="i2">A special blessing on the fleet?</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p>Will you make "resolutions?"—saying, "Lo!</p> +<p class="i2">I will be humble. Though my own bright sword</p> +<p>Has shattered Belgium, yet will I bestow</p> +<p class="i2">The credit on a higher Lord.</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p>"What am I but His minister of doom?</p> +<p class="i2">The smoke of burning temples shall ascend,</p> +<p>With none to intercept the savoury fume,</p> +<p class="i2">Straight upward to my honoured Friend."</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p>Or does your heart admit, in hours like these,</p> +<p class="i2">God is not mocked with words; His judgment stands;</p> +<p>Nor all the waters of His cleansing seas</p> +<p class="i2">Can wash the blood-guilt from your hands?</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p>Make your account with Him as best you can.</p> +<p class="i2">What other hope has this New Year to give?</p> +<p>For outraged earth has laid on you a ban</p> +<p class="i2">Not to be lifted while you live.</p> +</div></div> +<p class='author'>O. S.</p> +<hr /> +<h2>UNWRITTEN LETTERS TO THE KAISER.</h2> +<h3>NO. XII.</h3> +<p class='center'>(<i>From the <span class='smcap'>Ex-Sultan Of Turkey</span>.</i>)</p> +<p><span class='smcap'>My Brother</span>,—There are many who in these days gnash +their teeth against you and pursue with malice and reproach +the words you utter and the deeds you perform, so that +verily the tempests of the world beat about your head. It +may please you, therefore, to know that there is one man +at least whose affectionate admiration for you has suffered +no decrease, nay, has rather been augmented a hundredfold +by the events of the past half-year. Need I say that I am +that man?</p> +<p>It is true that I have been shorn of my honours and +privileges, that I live in exile as a prisoner and that the vile +insulters of fallen majesty compass me about. I who once +dwelt in splendour and issued my commands to the legions +of the faithful am treated with contumely by a filthy pack +of time-servers, and have nothing that I can call my own +except, for the moment, the air that I breathe. Oh, for an +hour of the old liberty and power! It would amuse me to +see the faces of <span class='smcap'>Enver</span> and of my wretched brother +<span class='smcap'>Mohammed</span> as I ordered them to execution—them and +their gang of villainous parasites. By the bowstring of +my fathers, but that would be a great and worthy killing! +Pardon the fond day-dreams of a poor and lonely old man +whose only crime has been that he loved his country too +well and treated his enemies with a kindness not to be +understood by those black and revengeful hearts.</p> +<p>I remember that in the old days there were not wanting +those who warned me against you. "Beware," they +said, "of the <span class='smcap'>German Emperor</span>. He will use you for +his own purposes, and will then cast you aside like an +orange that has been squeezed." But I paid no heed to +their jealous imaginings, and I had my reward. Not, +indeed, that you were able to save me when the wicked +burst upon me and cast me down. The stroke was too +sudden, and you, alas, were too far. But the memory of +our delightful friendship is still with me to sustain and +comfort me in my tribulations. I still have some of the +letters in which you poured out your heart to me, and when +melancholy oppresses me I take them from my breast and +read them over and over again.</p> +<p>It is a joy to me to know that there is a firm alliance +between my brave Turks and your magnanimous soldiers. +I doubt not that Allah, the good old friend of the Turks, +will continue to bless you and give you victory after victory +over your enemies. It is no less a joy to learn how gloriously +and how sagaciously you are conducting this war. They +tell me that your ships have bombarded the coast towns of +England, and that five or six hundred of the inhabitants +have fallen before your avenging shells. What matters it +that these towns were not fortified in the strict and stupid +sense, and that there were many women and children +amongst those you slew? The towns <i>were</i> fortified in the +sense that they were hostile to your high benevolence, +and as for women and children you need not even dream +of excusing yourself to <i>me</i>. These English are no better +than Armenians. It is necessary to extirpate them, and +the younger you catch them the less time they have for +devising wickedness against the Chosen of Allah. As for +women, they need hardly be taken into account. In all +these matters I know by your actions that you agree. You +must proceed on your noble course until the last of these +infidels is swept away to perdition.</p> +<p>May I condole with you on the loss of your four ships +of war by the guns of the British Admiral <span class='smcap'>Sturdee</span>? That +was, indeed, a cowardly blow, and it is hard to understand +why it was allowed.</p> +<p>Farewell then, my Brother. Be assured again of the +undying friendship and admiration of the poor exile,</p> +<p class='author'><span class='smcap'>Abdul Hamid.</span></p> +<hr /> +<h2>KILL OR CURE.</h2> +<blockquote> +<p class='note'>[<i>Reports continue to reach us from our brave troops in the +field that they "never felt fitter," are "in the best of +spirits," and so forth.</i>]</p> +</blockquote> +<div class='poem'><div class='stanza'> +<p class="i2">Have you a bronchial cough, or cold,</p> +<p class="i4">And is your ailment chronic</p> +<p class="i2">Past every sort of cure that's sold?</p> +<p class="i4">We'll tell you of a tonic.</p> +<p class="i2">Just wing our agents here a wire</p> +<p>And book "A Fortnight Under Teuton Fire."</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p class="i2">Do you admit with anxious mind</p> +<p class="i4">Your liver's loss of movement,</p> +<p class="i2">And that in consequence you find</p> +<p class="i4">Your temper needs improvement?</p> +<p class="i2">Then leave awhile your stool or bench</p> +<p>And try our "Month Inside a Flooded Trench."</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p class="i2">Are you a broken nervous wreck,</p> +<p class="i4">Run short of red corpuscles,</p> +<p class="i2">Painfully scraggy in the neck,</p> +<p class="i4">And much in need of muscles?</p> +<p class="i2">Come to us now—for now's your chance—</p> +<p>And take our "Lively Tour Through Northern France."</p> +</div></div> +<hr /> +<div><span class='pagenum'><a id='page531' name='page531'></a>[pg 531]</span></div> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%;"> +<a href="images/531.png"> +<img src="images/531.png" title="" alt="DISHONOURED" width="100%" /></a> +<h4>DISHONOURED</h4> +<p><span class='smcap'>Captain of the <i>Emden</i>.</span> "DIRTY WORK!"</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<div><span class='pagenum'><a id='page532' name='page532'></a>[pg 532]</span></div> +<h2>THE REAL HERO OF THE WAR.</h2> +<p>There is an impression about that +among the candidates for the position +of real hero of the war <span class='smcap'>King Albert</span> +might have a chance; or even Lord +<span class='smcap'>Kitchener</span> or Sir <span class='smcap'>John French</span>. But +I have my doubts, after all that I have +heard—and I love to hear it and to +watch the different ways in which the +tellers narrate it: some so frankly proud, +some just as proud, but trying to conceal +their pride. After all that I have heard +I am bound to believe that for the real +hero of the war we must look elsewhere. +Not much is printed of this young +fellow's deeds; one gets them chiefly by +word of mouth and very largely in club +smoking-rooms. In railway carriages +too, and at dinner-parties. These are +the places where the champions most +do congregate and hold forth. And +from what they say he is a most gallant +and worthy warrior. Versatile as well, +for not only does he fight and bag his +Bosch, but he is wounded and imprisoned. +Sometimes he rides a motor +cycle, sometimes he flies, sometimes he +has charge of a gun, sometimes he is +doing Red Cross work, and again he +helps to bring up the supplies with the +A.S.C. He has been everywhere. He +was at Mons and he was at Cambrai. +He marched into Ypres and is rather +angry when the Germans are blamed +for shelling the Cloth Hall, because he +tells you that there was a big French +gun firmly established behind it, and +only by shelling the building could the +enemy hope to destroy that dangerous +piece of ordnance. He saw something +of the bombardment of Rheims and he +watched the monitors at work on the +Belgian coast.</p> +<p>And not only does he perform some +of the best deeds and often get rewarded +for them, but he is a good medium for +news too. He hears things. He's +somewhere about when General —— +says something of the deepest significance +to General ——. He knows +men high up in the War Office. He +refers lightly to <span class='smcap'>Kitchener</span>, and staff +officers apparently tell him many of +their secrets. He speaks quite casually +and familiarly of <span class='smcap'>Winston</span> and what +<span class='smcap'>Winston</span> said yesterday, for he often +has the latest Admiralty news too. It +was he who had the luck to be in +the passage when Lord <span class='smcap'>Fisher</span> and +another Sea Lord executed their historic +waltz on the receipt of the news of +<span class='smcap'>Sturdee's</span> coup. I don't pretend that +he is always as worthy of credence as +he was then; for he has spread some +false rumours too. He was, in fact, one +of the busiest eye-witnesses (once or +twice removed) of the triumphant +progress of millions of Russians through +Scotland and England some months +ago. He is not unaware of the loss of +battleships of which nothing has yet +been officially stated. In fact, his +unofficial news is terrific and sometimes +must be taken with salt. But denials +do not much abash him. He was prepared +for them and can explain them.</p> +<p>His letters are interesting and cover +a vast amount of ground. They are +sometimes very well written, and in +differing moods he abuses the enemy +and pities them. He never grumbles +but is sometimes perplexed by overwork +in the trenches. He hates having to +stand long in water and has lost more +comrades than he likes to think about. +One day he was quite close to General +<span class='smcap'>Joffre</span>, whom he regards as a sagacious +leader, cautious and far-sighted; another +day he was close to Sir <span class='smcap'>John French</span>, +and nothing could exceed the confidence +which his appearance kindled in him. +On the morning of the <span class='smcap'>King's</span> arrival +at the Front he was puzzled by the +evolutions of our air scouts, who seemed +to have gone mad; but it turned out +that they were saluting <span class='smcap'>His Majesty</span>. +Some of his last letters were from the +neighbourhood of Auchy and described +the fighting for the canal. He is a +little inconsistent now and then, and +one day says he has more cigarettes +than he can smoke, and the next bewails +the steady shortage of tobacco. +As to his heroic actions he is reticent; +but we know that many of the finest +deeds have been performed by him. +He has saved lives and guns and is +in sight of the V.C.</p> +<p>And what is his name? Well, I can't +say what his name is, because it is not +always the same; but I can tell you +how he is always described by those +who relate his adventures, his prowess, +his news, his suspicions and his fears. +He is always referred to as "My son."</p> +<p>"My son," when all is said, is the +real hero of the war.</p> +<hr /> +<p>It is all very well to warn the British +public (naturalised or otherwise) against +supporting and comforting the enemy, +but it might have more effect if those +in authority set the example.</p> +<blockquote> +<p>"The British Government declares that in +the event of the Austrian Government being +in need of funds, Great Britain is ready to +provide them."—<i>Japan Chronicle.</i></p> +<p>"King George has sent a warmly-worded +telegram of congratulation to the new Sultan +of Turkey."—<i>Sunday Chronicle.</i></p> +</blockquote> +<p>Paragraphs such as these, for instance, +do not provide the proper inspiration.</p> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"There are increasing rumours of serious +fiction between the Austrians and the Germans."—<i>Natal +Times.</i></p> +</blockquote> +<p>Their <i>forte</i>, however, is humorous +fiction.</p> +<hr /> +<h2>R. G. A.</h2> +<div class='poem'><div class='stanza'> +<p class="i2">Over the hills where the grey hills rise</p> +<p class="i2">Smoke wreaths climb to the cloudless skies,</p> +<p class="i2">White in the glare of the noonday sun,</p> +<p class="i2">Climbing in companies, one by one,</p> +<p class="i8">From the strong guns,</p> +<p class="i8">The long guns,</p> +<p class="i4">That wake with break of day</p> +<p>And dutifully drop their shells a dozen miles away.</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p class="i2">Far beneath where our airmen fly,</p> +<p class="i2">Slowly the Garrison guns go by,</p> +<p class="i2">Breaking through bramble and thorn and gorse,</p> +<p class="i2">Towed by engines or dragged by horse,</p> +<p class="i8">The great guns,</p> +<p class="i8">The late guns,</p> +<p class="i4">That slowly rumble up</p> +<p>To enable Messrs. <span class='smcap'>Vickers</span> to converse with Messrs. <span class='smcap'>Krupp</span>.</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p class="i2">Garrison cannon is never swift</p> +<p class="i2">(Shells are a deuce of a weight to lift);</p> +<p class="i2">When they are ready to open shop,</p> +<p class="i2">Where they are planted, there they stop,</p> +<p class="i8">The grey guns,</p> +<p class="i8">The gay guns,</p> +<p class="i2">That know what they're about,</p> +<p>To wait at fifteen hundred yards and clear the trenches out.</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p class="i2">4.7's and 9.4's,</p> +<p class="i2">Taking to camping out of doors;</p> +<p class="i2">Out of the shelter of steel-built sheds,</p> +<p class="i2">Sleeping out in their concrete beds—</p> +<p class="i8">The proud guns,</p> +<p class="i8">The loud guns,</p> +<p class="i4">Whose echo wakes the hills,</p> +<p>And shakes the tiles and scatters glass on distant window-sills.</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p class="i2">Little cannon of envious mind</p> +<p class="i2">May mock at the gunners who come behind;</p> +<p class="i2">Let them wait till we've lined our pets</p> +<p class="i2">On to the forts and the walls of Metz;</p> +<p class="i8">The siege guns,</p> +<p class="i8">The liege guns,</p> +<p class="i4">The guns to batter down</p> +<p>The barricades and bastions of any German town.</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p class="i2">Though there be others who do good work,</p> +<p class="i2">Harassing German, trouncing Turk,</p> +<p class="i2">Let us but honour one toast to-day—</p> +<p class="i2">The men and the guns of the R.G.A.!</p> +<p class="i8">The vast guns,</p> +<p class="i8">The last guns,</p> +<p class="i4">When Spring is coming in,</p> +<p>To roll down every Eastern road a-booming to Berlin!</p> +</div></div> +<hr /> +<div><span class='pagenum'><a id='page533' name='page533'></a>[pg 533]</span></div> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%;"> +<a href="images/533.png"> +<img src="images/533.png" title="" alt="THE TEMPTATIONS OF A SOLDIER" width="100%" /></a> +<h4>THE TEMPTATIONS OF A SOLDIER.</h4> +<p><i>Fond Mother (who has just seen her son, a very youthful subaltern, off to the front).</i> "<span class='smcap'>I got him away from his father for a moment and said to him, 'Darling, don't go too near the firing-line, will you?'</span>"</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>NEW YEAR NOVELTIES.</h3> +<p><span class='smcap'>The Strategist's Muzzle</span>.—For use +in the Home—the Club—the Railway +Train. Fitted with best calf leather +gag—easily attached—efficiency guaranteed, +4<i>s.</i> 11<i>d.</i> With chloroform attachment +for violent cases, 8<i>s.</i> 11<i>d.</i> +<span class='smcap'>Belloc</span> size, 22<i>s.</i> 6<i>d.</i></p> +<p>Recommended by the Censor.</p> +<p><span class='smcap'>The Allies' Musical Box</span>.—Beautifully +decorated in all the national +colours. A boon to organizers of war +concerts. Plays all the National Anthems +of the Allies simultaneously, +thus allowing the audience to keep +their seats for the bulk of the evening. +A blessing to wounded soldiers and +rheumatic subjects. 10<i>s.</i> 11<i>d.</i> carriage +paid.</p> +<p><span class='smcap'>The Coin Detector</span>.—This ingenious +little contrivance rings a bell once +when brought within a yard of silver +coins and twice when in the proximity +of gold coins. Absolutely indispensable +to collectors for Relief Funds. +2<i>s.</i> +11½<i>d.</i> +post free.</p> +<p>Testimonial from Lady Isobel Tompkins:—</p> +<p>"Since using your invaluable detector +in my collecting work I understand +that there has been quite a run on the +banks and post-offices in this neighbourhood +for postal orders and the new +notes. With the addition of an indicator +of paper-money your machine +would be perfection."</p> +<p><span class='smcap'>Happy Families</span>.—The game of the +season—with portraits of all our +political leaders. Any four assorted +leaders of different views make a happy +family. +10½<i>d.</i></p> +<p>Mr. <span class='smcap'>Keir Hardie</span> says:—"I never +knew a more aggravating game."</p> +<p><span class='smcap'>German Happy Families</span>.—Intensely +amusing; peals of laughter come +from the table when one asks for Mr. +Kayser, the butcher; Mr. Prince, the +looter; Mr. Tirpitz, the pirate, +10½<i>d.</i></p> +<p><span class='smcap'>Burke's Norman Blood</span>.—The presentation +book of the season. Invaluable +to the newly naturalised. +3<i>s.</i> 6<i>d.</i> net.</p> +<hr /> +<p>From certain Regimental Orders we +extract the following:—</p> +<blockquote> +<p>"There is no objection to the following +being written on the Field Service Post Card: +'A merry Christmas and a happy New Year.'"</p> +</blockquote> +<p>All the same, the danger of conveying +news to the enemy must not be overlooked. +Many German soldiers, we +hear, are under the impression that it +is still August, and that they will be in +Paris by the beginning of September.</p> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"In the early hours of Wednesday morning, +what is supposed to have been a traction +engine when proceeding southward, struck the +west side of the parapet with great force."—<i>Alnwick Gazette.</i></p> +</blockquote> +<p>When proceeding northward it has +more the appearance of a sewing-machine.</p> +<hr /> +<div><span class='pagenum'><a id='page534' name='page534'></a>[pg 534]</span></div> +<h2>THE WATCH DOGS.</h2> +<h3>X.</h3> +<p><span class='smcap'>My dear Charles</span>,—I write on +Christmas Day from a second-grade +Infants' School, the grade referring +obviously to the school and not to the +infants. We sit round the old Yule +hot-water pipe, and from the next classroom +come the heavenly strains of the +gramophone, one of those veteran but +sturdy machines which none of life's +rough usages can completely silence or +even shake in its loyal determination +to go on <i>and keep on going on</i> at all +costs. Having duly impressed "Good +King Wenceslas" upon us, it is now +rendering an emotional waltz, of which, +though now and then it may drop a note +or two, it mislays none of the pathos.</p> +<p>It was a present to the +Mess; intended for our entertainment +in the trenches, +though I cannot think who +was going to carry it there. +The tune serves to recall +the distant past, when we +used to wear silk socks and +shining pumps, to glide +hither and thither on hard +floors, and talk in the intervals, +talk, talk, talk with +all the desperate resource +of exhausted heroes who +know that they have only +to hang on five more minutes +and they are saved. Suppose +we had by now been +in those trenches and had +been listening to this obstinate +old box slowly but +confidently assuring and +reassuring us that there is +and was and always will be our one-two-three +home in the one-two-three, +one-two-three West! I can see the +picture; I can see the tears of happiness +coursing down our weather-beaten +cheeks as we say to ourselves, "Goodness +knows, it's uncomfortable enough +here, but thank heaven we aren't in +that ball-room anyway."</p> +<p>In a corner of this room is a bridge-four. +The C.O. is sitting in an authoritative, +relentless silence. His tactical +dispositions have been made and they +are going to be pushed through to the +end, cost what it may to the enemy or +his own side. His partner is Second-Lieutenant +Combes, deviously thinking +to himself with all the superior knowledge +of youth, "What rotten dispositions +these C.O.'s do make!" but endeavouring +to conceal his feelings by +the manipulation of his face and a +more than usually heavy interspersion +of "Sirs" in his conversation. The +enemy are ill-assorted allies: Captain +Parr, a dashing player of great courage +and very ready tongue, and Lieutenant +Sumners, one of those grim, earnest +fighters whom no event however sudden +or stupendous can surprise into +speech. This latter is a real soldier +whose life is conducted in every particular +on the lines laid down in +military text-books. He asks himself +always, "Is it soldierly?" and never +"Is it common-sense?" He is at +present in trouble with his superior +officer for having frozen on to his ace +of trumps long after he should have +parted with it. But those text-books +say, "Keep your best forces in reserve," +and so the little trumps must needs be +put in the firing line first.</p> +<p>As to the other officers of your acquaintance, +each is making merry, as +the season demands, in his own fashion. +One is studying, not for the first time, +a map on the wall showing the inner +truth of the currents in the Pacific; +another is observing, for his information +and further guidance, the process of +manufacture of lead pencils as illustrated +by samples in a glass-case. +Others are being more jovial still; +having exhausted the pictures and +advertisements of the sixpenny Society +papers, they are now actually reading +the letter-press. The machine-gun +officer, as I gather from his occasional +remarks, is asleep as usual.</p> +<p>And now the gramophone has ceased; +but, alas! Captain d'Arcy has begun—on +the piano. As I write, the scheme +of communication between his right +and his left flanks has broken down. +Like a prudent officer, he suspends +operations, gives the "stand-fast!" +and sends out a cautious patrol to +reconnoitre the position. He even +cedes a little of the ground he has +gained. Glancing at his music, I must +admit that he is in a dangerous situation, +heavily wooded in the treble, +with sudden and sharp elevations and +depressions in the bass, and the +possibility of an ambush at every turn. +His reconnoitring party returns; he +starts to move forward again with +scouts always in advance. He halts; +he advances again and proceeds (for he +too is a trained soldier) by short rushes +about five bars at a time.... At last +the situation develops and he pauses to +collect all his available forces and get +them well in hand. I can almost hear +the order being passed along the line—"Prepare +to charge"—almost catch the +bugle-call as his ten fingers rush forth +to the assault, forth to death or glory, +to triumph or utter confusion.... As +to what follows, I have always thought +the rally after a charge was an anticlimax, +even when it consists +of a rapid "Rule Britannia!" +passing off evenly, +without a hitch.</p> +<p>I find, looking round my +fellow-officers, that I have +omitted the final touch, the +last stirring detail to complete +the picture of the +soldier's hard but eventful +life. In the one easy, or +easy-ish, chair sits the +Major, that gallant gentleman +whose sole but exacting +business in life it is to +gallop like the devil into +the far distance when it is +rumoured that the battalion +will deploy. He sits now at +leisure, but even at leisure +he is not at ease: silent, +with every nerve and fibre +strained to the utmost tension, +he crouches over his work. He +is at his darning; ay, with real wool +and a real needle he is darning his +socks. The colour of his work may +not be harmonious, but it is a +thorough job; he has done what even +few women would do, he has darned +not only the hole in his hosiery but his +left hand also.</p> +<p>As for the men, they have been dealt +with by a select body under the formidable +title of the Christmas Festivities +Committee. It has provided each man +with a little beer, a lot of turkey and +much too much plum pudding. Having +disengaged the birds into their separate +units, it has then left the man to himself +for the day, thus showing, in my +opinion, a wise discretion rarely found +in committees, even military committees.</p> +<div class='poem'><div class='stanza'> +<p>Yours ever,</p> +<p><span class='smcap'>Henry</span>.</p> +</div></div> +<hr /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 70%;"> +<a href="images/534.png"> +<img src="images/534.png" title="" alt="what time the tide is up" width="100%" /></a> +<p><i>Visitor.</i> "<span class='smcap'>Could you tell me what time the tide is up</span>?"</p> +<p><i>Odd job man.</i> "<span class='smcap'>Well, Sir, they do expeck 'igh water at six; but then you know wot these 'ere rumours are nowadays</span>."</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"Exchange, charming country parish, +North Yorks. Easy distance sea. Income +safe."—<i>Advt. in "Guardian."</i></p> +</blockquote> +<p>Yes, but what about the rectory?</p> +<hr /> +<div><span class='pagenum'><a id='page535' name='page535'></a>[pg 535]</span></div> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%;"> +<a href="images/535.png"> +<img src="images/535.png" title="" alt="GREAT EXPECTATIONS" width="100%" /></a> +<h4>GREAT EXPECTATIONS.</h4> +<p><span class='smcap'>How Mabel pictured her big brother's arrival for week-end leave from the Front</span>.</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h2>THE RETURN OF THE PRODIGAL.</h2> +<div class='poem'><div class='stanza'> +<p>I rode into Pincher River on an August afternoon,</p> +<p>The pinto's hoofs on the prairie drumming a drowsy tune,</p> +<p>By the shacks and the Chinks' truck-gardens to the Athabasca saloon.</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p>And a bunch of the boys was standing around by the old Scotch store,</p> +<p>Standing and spitting and swearing by old Macallister's door—</p> +<p>And the name on their lips was Britain—the word that they spoke was War.</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p>War!... Do you think I waited to talk about wrong or right</p> +<p>When I knew my own old country was up to the neck in a fight?</p> +<p>I said, "So long!"—and I beat it—"I'm hitting the trail to-night."</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p>I wasn't long at my packing. I hadn't much time to dress,</p> +<p>And the cash I had at disposal was a ten-spot—more or less;</p> +<p>So I didn't wait for my ticket; I booked by the Hoboes' Express.</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p>I rode the bumpers at night-time; I beat the ties in the day;</p> +<p>Stealing a ride and bumming a ride all of the blooming way,</p> +<p>And—I left the First Contingent drilling at Valcartier!</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p>I didn't cross in a liner (I hadn't my passage by me!);</p> +<p>I spotted a Liverpool cargo tramp, smelly and greasy and grimy,</p> +<p>And they wanted hands for the voyage, and the old man guessed he'd try me.</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p>She kicked like a ballet-dancer or a range-bred bronco mare;</p> +<p>She rolled till her engines rattled; she wallowed, but what did I care?</p> +<p>It was "Go it, my bucking beauty, if only you take me there!"</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p>Then came an autumn morning, grey-blue, windy and clear,</p> +<p>And the fields—the little white houses—green and peaceful and dear,</p> +<p>And the heart inside of me saying, "Take me, Mother, I'm here!</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p>"Here, for I thought you'd want me; I've brought you all that I own—</p> +<p>A lean long lump of a carcass that's mostly muscle and bone,</p> +<p>Six-foot-two in my stockings—weigh-in at fourteen stone.</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p>"Here, and I hope you'll have me; take me for what I'm worth—</p> +<p>A chap that's a bit of a waster, come from the ends of the earth</p> +<p>To fight with the best that's in him for the dear old land of his birth!"</p> +</div></div> +<hr /> +<div><span class='pagenum'><a id='page538' name='page538'></a>[pg 538]</span></div> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%;"> +<a href="images/538.png"> +<img src="images/538.png" title="" alt="Our Jim's killed seven Germans" width="100%" /></a> +<p><i>Lady in black.</i> "Our Jim's killed seven Germans—and he'd never killed <i>ANYONE</i> before he went to France!"</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h2>THE PEACE-MAKER.</h2> +<p>The Anonymous War is not to be +followed by an Anonymous Peace. I +have Twyerley's own authority for this +statement.</p> +<p>I may go farther and make public the +interesting fact that Twyerley himself +has the matter in hand, and readers of +<i>The Daily Booster</i> will at an early date +receive precise instructions how and +where to secure Part I. of The History +of the Peace before it is out of print. +It is well known that all publications +issuing from that Napoleonic brain are +out of print within an hour or two of +their appearance, but Twyerley takes +precautions to safeguard readers of <i>The +Booster</i> against any such catastrophic +disappointment.</p> +<p>In approaching the Peace problem +at this stage Twyerley is displaying his +customary foresight. The military +authorities frustrated Twyerley's public-spirited +attempt to let the readers +of <i>The Booster</i> into the secret of General +<span class='smcap'>Joffre's</span> strategy—ruthlessly +suppressing his daily column on The +Position at the Front. He has resolved +that the diplomatists shall not repeat +the offence; he will be beforehand with +them.</p> +<p>If Twyerley had been listened to in +times of peace there would have been +no war; the fact is undeniable. Since +war has come, however, the danger of a +patched-up peace must be avoided at all +costs. In order that there shall be no +mistake Twyerley has prepared a map +of Europe-as-it-must-be-and-shall-be +or Twyerley and his myriad readers will +know the reason why. (The map is +presented gratis with Part I. of the +History and may also be had, varnished +and mounted on rollers, for clubs and +military academies.)</p> +<p>Twyerley at work upon the map is a +thrilling spectacle. With his remorseless +scissors he hovers over Germany +and Austria in a way that would make +the two <span class='smcap'>Kaisers</span> blench. Snip! away +goes Alsace-Lorraine and a slice of the +Palatinate; another snip! and Galicia +flutters into the arms of Russia.</p> +<p>The History is to be completed in +twenty-four parts, if the Allies' plenipotentiaries +possess the capabilities +with which Twyerley credits them; but +he has prudently provided for extensions +in case of need.</p> +<p>Anyway, whether the Treaty of Peace +be signed in twelve months or twelve +years, the final part of the History will +go to press on the morrow.</p> +<p>Armed with the History, readers of +<i>The Booster</i> will be able to follow step +by step the contest in the council-chamber, +when it takes place. They +will be able to paint the large white +map with the special box of colours +supplied at a small additional cost. +That, as Twyerley justly observes, is an +ideal means of teaching the new geography +of Europe to children. Even +the youngest member of a household +where the History is taken regularly +will be in a position to say what loss +of territory the <span class='smcap'>Kaisers</span> and Turkey +must suffer. (Twyerley had some idea +of running a Prize Competition on +these lines but was reluctant to embarrass +the Government.)</p> +<p>Several entire chapters will be devoted +to "Famous Scraps of Paper" +from <span class='smcap'>Nebuchadnezzar</span> to the Treaty +of Bucharest. Illustrations of unique +interest have been secured. For instance, +the Peace of Westphalia carries +a reproduction of the original document, +portraits and biographies of the signatories, +and a statistical table of the +Westphalian ham industry. Similarly, +the Treaty of Utrecht is accompanied +by a view of that interesting town and +several pages of original designs for +Utrecht velvet.</p> +<div><span class='pagenum'><a id='page536' name='page536'></a>[pg 536]</span></div> +<p>Thus, what Twyerley calls "the +human interest" is amply catered for.</p> +<p>The section "International Law for +the Million" presents its subject in a +novel tabloid form, as exhaustive as it +is entertaining. I know for a fact that +an army of clerks has been engaged at +the British Museum for some weeks +looking up the data.</p> +<p>Following the part which contains +concise accounts of every European +nation from the earliest times, comes +"Points for Plenipotentiaries," occupying +several entire numbers. Here is +where the genius of Twyerley shines at +its brightest, and personally I think +that the British representatives at the +Peace Congress should be provided +beforehand with these invaluable pages. +With Twyerley at their elbows, so to +speak, they should be equal to the task +of checkmating the wily foreigner.</p> +<p>I wish the <span class='smcap'>Kaiser</span> could see Twyerley +scissoring his territory to shreds!</p> +<hr /> +<h2>A VOICE IN THE NIGHT.</h2> +<p>I dislike many things—snakes, for +example, and German spies, and the +income tax, and cold fat mutton; but +even more than any of these I dislike +William Smith.</p> +<p>As all the world knows, special +constables hunt in couples at nights, +a precaution adopted in order that, if +either of the two is slain in the execution +of his duty, the other may be in a +position to report on the following +morning the exact hour and manner +of his decease, thus satisfying the +thirst of the authorities for the latest +information, and relieving his departed +companion's relatives of further anxiety +in regard to his fate.</p> +<p>William Smith is the special constable +who hunts with me. As to +whom or what we are hunting, or +what we should do to them or they +would do to us if we caught them or +they caught us, we are rather vague; +but we endeavour to carry out our duty. +Our total bag to date has been one +Royal Mail, and even him we merely +let off with a caution.</p> +<p>Three days ago, by an unfortunate +coincidence, William Smith overtook +me at the end of the High Street, just +as our sergeant was coming round the +corner in the opposite direction. At +sight of the latter we halted, dropped +our parcels in the mud, stiffened to +attention and saluted. The last was +a thing we ought not to have done, +even allowing for his leggings, which +were (and are still) of a distinctly +upper-military type. But in the special +constabulary your sergeant is a man to +be placated. His powers are enormous. +He can, if he likes, spoil your +beauty sleep at both ends by detailing +you for duty from 12 to 4 <span class='smcaplc'>A.M</span>.; or, on +the other hand, he can forget you +altogether for a fortnight. Thus we +always avoid meeting him if possible; +failing that, we always salute him.</p> +<p>"Ha!" exclaimed our sergeant.</p> +<p>We shuddered, and William Smith, +who is smaller than myself, tried to +escape his gaze by forming two deep.</p> +<p>"What the devil are you playing +at?" growled our sergeant. Though +one of the more prominent sidesmen at +our local church, he has developed +quite the manner of an officer, almost, +at times, I like to think, of a general +officer. William Smith formed single +rank again.</p> +<p>Our sergeant took out his notebook. +"I'm glad I happened to meet you +two," he said.</p> +<p>We shivered, but otherwise remained +at attention.</p> +<p>"Let me see," he went on, consulting +his list, "you are on together again to-morrow +night at 12."</p> +<p>It was the last straw. Forgetting +his rank, forgetting his leggings, forgetting +the possibilities of his language, +forgetting myself, I spoke.</p> +<p>"I protest," I said.</p> +<p>The eyes of our sergeant bulged +with wrath, pushing his pince-nez off +his nose and causing them to clatter +to the pavement. But a special constable +is a man of more than ordinary +courage. "Allow me," I murmured, +and I stooped, picked them up and +handed them back to him.</p> +<p>"Explain yourself," he muttered +hoarsely.</p> +<p>"For the past three months," I said, +"I have endured fifty-six of the darkest +hours of the night, cut off from any +possibility of human aid, in the company +of William Smith, a conversational +egoist of the lowest and most determined +type. Throughout this period he has +inflicted on me atrocities before which +those of the Germans pale into insignificance. +During the first month he +described to me in detail the achievements +and diseases from birth upwards +of all his children—a revolting record. +He next proceeded to deal exhaustively +with the construction and working of +his gramophone, his bathroom geyser, +his patent knife-machine and his +vacuum carpet-cleaner; also with his +methods of drying wet boots, marking +his under-linen, circumventing the +water-rate collector and inducing fertility +in reluctant pullets. This brought +us to the middle of November. Finally, +during the last four weeks he has +wandered into the ramifications of his +wife's early-Victorian family tree, of +which we are still in the lower branches.</p> +<p>"I cannot retaliate in kind. I have +no children, poultry, pedigree wives, nor +any of the other articles, except boots +and shirts, in which the soul of William +Smith rejoices. There is but one +remedy open to me, and of this, unless +you detail me for duty with someone +else, I propose to avail myself at the +first convenient opportunity. I shall +kill William Smith."</p> +<p>I stopped and saluted again.</p> +<p>And then a wonderful thing happened. +I discovered that beneath our sergeant's +military leggings there still beat the +rudiments of a human heart. Yes, as I +looked at him I saw his softened eyes +suffused with sympathetic tears.</p> +<p>"My poor fellow!" he said in a +broken voice.</p> +<p>It was too much. I sank to the +pavement, saluting as I fell, and knew +no more. When I recovered consciousness +in hospital I found in the pocket +of my coat an envelope containing the +following: "Promoted to the rank of +corporal and invalided for three weeks, +after which you will take duty with +your chauffeur."</p> +<p>William Smith and I have severed +diplomatic relations. It is better so.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>REJECTED OFFERINGS.</h3> +<p><span class='smcap'>My dear</span> <i>Mr. Punch</i>,—In these first +few days after Christmas many of your +readers are no doubt faced, as we have +been, with a problem which is quite +new to them. I hope they took the +precaution—as we did—to write and +explain to all likely givers (1) that this +was no year for the exchange of Christmas +gifts among grown-up people who +have no need for them; (2) that it was +the opinion of all right-thinking persons +that no such gifts should be sent, +and (3) that consequently they were +sending none and hoped to receive +none.</p> +<p>That is all right as far as it goes, but +the problem remains of what is to be +done with those people who can't be +stopped? We have had several painful +instances of this sort. The stuff +has arrived, the usual sort of non-war +stuff, some of which must have +cost quite a lot of money, of which it +may with truth be said, "your King and +Country need you." How were these +things to be dealt with, since we felt +that we could not keep them?</p> +<p>We found that no general treatment +could be applied; we have had to sort +them out into groups, before deflecting +them into the proper courses.</p> +<p><i>Books</i> to hospitals. In this case the +matron is asked to acknowledge them +direct to the original giver.</p> +<p><i>Smoking Accessories</i> (such as the +newest pipe-filler and match-striker +and cigarette-case-opener and pouch-unfolder +<span class='pagenum'><a id='page537' name='page537'></a>[pg 537]</span> +and cigar-holder-grip), to the +nearest male Belgian; and</p> +<p><i>All other portable presents</i> to the +nearest female Belgian. (These two +classes may be neatly acknowledged in +the columns of the <i>Courier Belge</i>.)</p> +<p><i>All larger presents</i> (of the motor-car, +pianola and sewing-machine variety) +to be sold by auction for the National +Relief Fund. Marked catalogue of the +sale to be sent to the giver in proof of +their safe arrival.</p> +<div class='poem'><div class='stanza'> +<p>Yours, etc.,</p> +<p><span class='smcap'>An Ordinary Englishman</span>.</p> +</div></div> +<hr /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%;"> +<a href="images/537.png"> +<img src="images/537.png" title="" alt="instructing recruits in signalling" width="100%" /></a> +<p><i>Officer (instructing recruits in signalling).</i> "<span class='smcap'>Didn't you get that message</span>?"</p> +<p><i>Recruit.</i> "<span class='smcap'>Yes, Sir: 'Three Taubs and a Zeplin comin' over the 'ill</span>.'"</p> +<p><i>Officer.</i> "<span class='smcap'>Then why the deuce didn't you send it on</span>?"</p> +<p><i>Recruit.</i> "<span class='smcap'>Well, Sir, I couldn't 'ardly believe it</span>."</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"The Surveyor reported that the owners of +the manure heaps by the Recreation Ground +Tennis Courts had by now been covered over +with seaweed, etc., thus complying with the +Council's wishes."—<i>Barmouth Advertiser.</i></p> +</blockquote> +<p>We hope this will be a lesson to them.</p> +<hr /> +<p>The usual formula for beginning a +letter is thus neatly rendered by a +Hottentot Boy:—</p> +<blockquote> +<p>"As I have a line to state just to let you +know that I am still soluberious under the +superiority of the Supreme-Being, hoping to +hear the same likewise from you."</p> +</blockquote> +<p>We recommend it very heartily as a +good opening for New Year's Eve +correspondence.</p> +<hr /> +<h2>THE IMPERIAL INFANTICIDE.</h2> +<div class='poem'><div class='stanza'> +<p>It was a mighty Emperor</p> +<p class="i2">Of ancient pedigree</p> +<p>Who said, "The future of our race</p> +<p class="i2">Lies on the rolling sea!"</p> +<p>And straightway laboured to fulfil</p> +<p class="i2">His royal guarantee.</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p>And when the Day had dawned, for which</p> +<p class="i2">He long had toiled and planned,</p> +<p>Unto his Grand High Admiral</p> +<p class="i2">He issued his command:</p> +<p>"Go forth, and smite the enemy</p> +<p class="i2">Upon his native strand."</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p>Sailing by night and veiled in mist,</p> +<p class="i2">His swiftest ships of war</p> +<p>Rained death on two defenceless towns</p> +<p class="i2">For half an hour or more,</p> +<p>Till they had slain and wounded babes</p> +<p class="i2">And women by the score.</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p>The Fatherland was filled with joy</p> +<p class="i2">By this heroic deed;</p> +<p>It gloated o'er the slaughtered babes</p> +<p class="i2">Of Albion's hated breed;</p> +<p>And Iron Crosses fell in showers</p> +<p class="i2">On those who'd made them bleed.</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p>But honest neutrals everywhere</p> +<p class="i2">Were sickened and dismayed;</p> +<p>The Turk, not squeamish as a rule,</p> +<p class="i2">No special glee betrayed;</p> +<p>And even Mr. <span class='smcap'>Bernard Shaw</span></p> +<p class="i2">Failed to defend the raid!</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p>Then more in sorrow than in wrath</p> +<p class="i2">The <span class='smcap'>Emperor</span> made moan:</p> +<p>"Though martyred and misunderstood</p> +<p class="i2">I tread my way alone,</p> +<p>At least I have the sympathy</p> +<p class="i2">Of God on His high throne."</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p>Then from the pillar and the cloud</p> +<p class="i2">Came accents clear and plain:</p> +<p>"The Massacre of Innocents</p> +<p class="i2">Passes the guilt of <span class='smcap'>Cain</span>;</p> +<p>And those who sin with <span class='smcap'>Herod</span> earn</p> +<p class="i2">His everlasting stain."</p> +</div></div> +<hr /> +<p>Two announcements at Hereford:—</p> +<blockquote> +<div class='poem'><div class='stanza'> +<p class='center'>"Cathedral Service, Sunday, Dec. 13th.</p> +<p class='center'>Preacher: Rev. H. M. Spooner.</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p class='center'>Baptist Chapel.</p> +<p class='center'>Lecture: 'Slips of Speech and Trips in Type.'"</p> +</div></div> +</blockquote> +<p>"Yes," said the President of New +College on his way to the Cathedral, +"I know something about slips of +speech, but what <i>are</i> tips in tripe?"</p> +<hr /> +<div><span class='pagenum'><a id='page539' name='page539'></a>[pg 539]</span></div> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%;"> +<a href="images/539.png"> +<img src="images/539.png" title="" alt="THE NEW ARMY TO THE FRONT" width="100%" /></a> +<h4>THE NEW ARMY TO THE FRONT.</h4> +</div> +<div><span class='pagenum'><a id='page540' name='page540'></a>[pg 540]</span></div> +<hr /> +<div><span class='pagenum'><a id='page541' name='page541'></a>[pg 541]</span></div> +<h2>THE NEXT?</h2> +<h3><span class='smcap'>Bombardment of Little Shrimpington by the German Fleet</span>.</h3> +<p class='center'>(<i>Extract from a Report by the German +Admiral.</i>)</p> +<p class='center'><i>Battle-cruiser</i> "<i>Von Herod</i>."</p> +<p><span class='smcap'>Sir</span>,—With regard to the recent +magnificent and hoch-compelling exploit +of the Imperial Squadron I have +the honour to report as follows:—</p> +<p>Our battle-cruisers sighted the +strongly-fortified sea-coast town of +Little Shrimpington about 12.45, and +at once opened a devastating fire. A +hostile abbey, situated in a commanding +position at the cliff top, and quite +unmistakable (as at Whitby), was the +first to fall. The shelling of this +edifice, to which I learn that the +Christians attach considerable importance, +for some reason that I am unable +to comprehend, cannot fail to produce +lively satisfaction among our brave +allies at Constantinople.</p> +<p>Next turning our guns upon the golf +links, in fifteen rounds we put out of +action a nine-hole course for ladies. +Much confusion was observed here +amongst the enemy; the presence of +troops being proved by the movement +of several bodies in bright scarlet. It +is conjectured from this that the supply +of khaki is already exhausted.</p> +<p>Magnificent execution was done upon +the extensive sand castles with which +the foreshore was covered, and for +which indeed it is renowned throughout +the island. Our heavy armament was +in every case enabled to demolish these, +at the same time slaughtering the +children and nurses responsible for +them. It is to be admitted however +that at a more favourable season of the +year the execution here, good as it was, +would have been considerably better.</p> +<p>Altogether some five hundred shells +were fired, as recently at Scarborough, +and there can be no doubt that the +enemy's casualties, in women especially, +must be very considerable. In addition, +he is known to have lost heavily in +bathing-machines, and several super-rowing +boats were seen to sink at +their moorings.</p> +<p>Throughout the action the entire +absence of any return fire had a most +heartening effect upon the personnel of +the Imperial fleet, who were thus +enabled to work under what may be +called conditions ideal to the German +fighting spirit. I cannot refrain from +expressing my sense of how greatly the +magnificent result of the action was due +to the patriotic foresight of my chief +officer, Fire-direktor Von Ketch, who, +having met with a motor accident when +touring in England so lately as last +spring at the gates of Shrimpington +Hall, had the good fortune to be the +guest for several weeks of the Frau +Squire and her daughters. Not only was +the information thus obtained of the +greatest assistance in the general +conduct of the operations, but we were +enabled to place our first six-inch shell +exactly on the dining-room of the Hall +at an hour when the occupants were +almost certainly assembled for lunch.</p> +<p>The entire action occupied twenty-five +minutes, and concluded with the +approach of the British patrol, when, +acting in accordance with the dictates +of Imperial policy, we ran like hares. +So satisfactory has been this glorious +and civilian-sanguinary encounter that +our brave fellows are now eager to try +conclusions with the bath-chairs of +Bournemouth or the lobster-pots of +Llandudno. It is indeed with true +sentiments of fraternal pride that the +Imperial Navy is now able to place +the torn fragments of the Hague Convention +beside those of the Treaties so +gloriously deleted by our brothers of +the Imperial Army.</p> +<p>I have the honour to be, Sir, etc., etc.</p> +<hr /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%;"> +<a href="images/541.png"> +<img src="images/541.png" title="" alt="to Captain who has just bought a new motor-horn" width="100%" /></a> +<p><i>First Urchin (to Captain who has just bought a new motor-horn).</i> "<span class='smcap'>Carry yer parcel, Colonel</span>?"</p> +<p><i>Second ditto (in a hoarse whisper).</i> "<span class='smcap'>Garn! Can't yer see 'e's a bugler</span>?"</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"Note.—A kilometre is, roughly, five-fifths +of a mile."—<i>Newcastle Evening Chronicle.</i></p> +</blockquote> +<p>The Press Bureau, while not objecting....</p> +<hr /> +<div><span class='pagenum'><a id='page542' name='page542'></a>[pg 542]</span></div> +<h2>VICTORINE.</h2> +<p>Victorine, our new general, is a +Belgian refugee. She was naturally +somewhat broken in spirit on first +entering our establishment, but as the +days went by she became happier, and +so enterprising and ingratiating that +we hastened to smother in its infancy +a shameful doubt as to whether or not +we had introduced into our sympathetic +bosoms a potential viper. Morning, +noon and night there was continuous +scrubbing, polishing and beeswaxing; +at all moments one was meeting a pink +and breathless Victorine, and the house +echoed to an interminable stream of +information in the French tongue.</p> +<p>At mealtime, the verdict having +been duly pronounced on each successive +dish, Victorine would stand by +while we ate, and unburden herself +confidentially. 'Mon mari' (Jean +Baptiste, a co-refugee who had searched +all London for a place as <i>valet de +chambre</i>) was lightly touched upon. +Belgium was described in glowing +terms, a land of wonders we had not +dreamt of.</p> +<p>"Miss will not believe me, but when +first we arrive in England all the +world cries, 'Oh! regard then the little +sheep!' For Mademoiselle must know +that in Belgium the sheep are high and +big as that" (Victorine sketches in the +air the dimensions of a good-sized +donkey). "Monsieur mocks himself +of me? Monsieur should visit my <i>pays</i> +where dwell the sheep of a bigness and +a fatness to rejoice the heart, and +whose wool is of a softness incredible; +Monsieur would not then smile thus in +his beard." Victorine assumes an attitude +of virtuous indignation, disturbed +by the ringing of the telephone bell.</p> +<p>"I save myself," she murmurs.</p> +<p>Through the half-open door we hear +as usual only scraps of dialogue, all on +one side, and very unsatisfying.</p> +<p>"Alloa! J'écoute! Madame, je ne +parle que le français—hein?" Long +pause. "Alloa! Alloa!" Victorine +rattles the instrument impatiently. +"Ah! ça y est! Si Madame désire que +j'appelle Miss——? Quel nom? Hein? +Meesus Tsch—arch—kott. Mon +Dieu——"</p> +<p>Victorine lays down the receiver and +comes back flushed into the room.</p> +<p>"C'est Meesus Arch-tsch-kott qui +demande Miss au téléphone. She +desire to know if Miss will take the +dinner with her. Are they difficult +these English names!"</p> +<p>But English names are not Victorine's +sole difficulty. She wrestles (mentally) +from time to time with the butcher and +the baker and the milkman. The milkman, +it seems, is "un peu fou." Victorine +greets him in the mornings in voluble +French, and he in return bows elaborately +and pretends to drop the milk. +We have watched the process from an +upper window. Victorine takes a step +backward, her hand flies to her heart, +and, as she afterwards informs us, "her +blood gives but a turn" at this exhibition +of British wit. We have been wondering +whether it would be judicious to +teach her to say, "Get along with yer."</p> +<p>She is very prolific in "ideas," and +seems to be chiefly inspired when engaged +in the uncongenial pastime of +cleaning the grate.</p> +<p>"Know you, Miss, that I have an +idea, me?"</p> +<p>"No, really, Victorine."</p> +<p>"Yes," says Victorine, mournfully +shaking her head, "but only an idea." +Victorine lays down her implements +and places her hands on her hips. +"If," she says slowly, "this Meesus +Schmeet who was with Mr. and Miss +before my arrival was a German spy, +hein?"</p> +<p>"But why, Victorine?"</p> +<p>Victorine assumes an air of owl-like +wisdom.</p> +<p>"See here," she says, placing the +forefinger of one hand on the thumb of +the other, "first she depart to care for +the niece who is suffering—it is +generally the mother, but that imports +not. Then," counting along her fingers, +"during three months she is absent, +and, thirdly," sinking her voice, "she +sends for her <i>malles</i>, which contain +doubtless—who knows?—plans of +London, designs of the fortresses, and +perhaps a telegraphy without wires—Marconi, +what do I know? Mademoiselle +must admit that it has the air +droll?"</p> +<p>We do our best to allay Victorine's +anxiety. She however is not at all +convinced, and evidently reserves to +herself full liberty of action to protect +us from German espionage and the +effects of our own guilelessness at a +later date.</p> +<p>In the rare moments when not at +work she is pensive, but her imagination +is by no means at rest. She gazes +languidly out of the window into "<i>ce +brouillard</i>," as she fondly calls a slight +morning mist. The sparrows interest +her.</p> +<p>"See, Miss, a sparrow who carries a +piece of bread big as a house; is it then +an English sparrow that accomplishes +such prodigies?"</p> +<p>Not quite fathoming the drift of +Victorine's meditations we suggest that +it is perhaps a Belgian refugee sparrow, +at which her amusement is so intense +that she is obliged to leave the room.</p> +<p>Sometimes her fancy takes great +flights, for she is very <a name='TC_2'></a><ins title="Added period">high-minded.</ins> +Her weekly bath gives rise to much +lofty philosophical reflection, and she +has come to the firm conclusion that it +is "mieux que manger." Also she has +great taste, of which she occasionally +gives us the benefit. She laughs scornfully +at certain <i>objets d'art</i> and praises +others. Ornaments, if they meet with +her approval, are arranged in rigid lines +of continuous beauty, less favoured ones +being pushed into the background, and +books are disposed with assumed carelessness +in thoughtful postures. Though +it is plain she thinks little of our taste +in general, her disapproval is usually +silent. It is therefore with almost +choking pride that we receive her praise, +though it is often, we fear, of a disingenuous +nature.</p> +<p>"It is plain that Miss has the eye +artistic: that sees itself well in the new +basin she has bought to replace the one +that fell by hazard and burst itself. +Monsieur also has the eye straight. In +effect the picture there that Monsieur +designs is of a justness, but of a justness! +One would say the place itself," +leaning back and half closing her eyes. +"In Belgium could it not be better +done. No. It is I, Victorine, who say +it. If Monsieur has the false digestion, +by contrary it is evident that he has +the head solid."</p> +<p>But Victorine has a fault dark and +grievous in the British eye. She jibs +at fresh air.</p> +<p>"Surely Mr., and above all Miss, +will take a congestion with the window +grand-open of that fashion? As for +me I have the neuralgias to make fear! +Figure to yourself that in the kitchen +the three windows (where one would +well suffice, go) if open make to pass +a hurricane!"</p> +<p>A short lecture follows, in which the +ill effects of stuffiness are pointed out, +and Victorine is reduced to unconvinced +and mutinous silence. As the days +pass a little acquiescence in "cette +manie pour les courants d'air" is visible, +but at the slightest approach of cold +every aperture through which air may +possibly find its way is surreptitiously +closed, and it is only when she is out +with her husband taking a walk or +refreshing the inner man in a "café" +with "un peu de stoot" that we can +penetrate by stealth into her bedroom +and air it.</p> +<p>Jean Baptiste is for the moment in +disgrace because he has not been to see +Victorine for a week. He is threatened +with all sorts of penalties when he +finally decides to present himself. +Primarily Victorine is going to present +him with <i>savon</i>, which appears in the +vernacular to be the Belgian equivalent +for beans. She is also going to wash +him the head.</p> +<hr /> +<div><span class='pagenum'><a id='page543' name='page543'></a>[pg 543]</span></div> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%;"> +<a href="images/543.png"> +<img src="images/543.png" title="" alt="what are you doing for the country?" width="100%" /></a> +<p><i>First Old Dame.</i> "<span class='smcap'>Well, my dear, and what are you doing for the country</span>?"</p> +<p><i>Second ditto.</i> "<span class='smcap'>I am knitting socks for the troops</span>."</p> +<p><i>First Old Dame (robustly).</i> <span class='smcap'>"Knitting! <i>I</i> am learning to shoot</span>!"</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> +<p class='center'>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</p> +<p><i>Sir John Lubbock</i>, whose Life, by Mr. <span class='smcap'>Horace Hutchinson, +Macmillan</span> publishes in two volumes, was one of +the most honourable men who figured in public life during +the last half-century. He was also one of the most widely +honoured. Under his name on the title-page of the book +appears a prodigious paragraph in small type enumerating +the high distinctions bestowed upon him by British and +foreign literary and scientific bodies. Forestalling the leisure +of a bank-holiday I have counted the list and find it contains +no fewer than fifty-two high distinctions, one for every week +of the year. These were won not by striking genius or brilliant +talent. Sir <span class='smcap'>John Lubbock</span>, to preserve a name which +the crowning honour of the peerage did not displace in the +public mind, was by nature and daily habit constitutionally +industrious. After Eton he joined his father's banking +business. In his diary under date Christmas Day, 1852, +being the nineteenth year of his age, he gives an account +of how he spends his day. It is too long to quote, but, +beginning by "getting up at half-past six," it includes +steady reading in natural history, poetry, political economy, +science, mathematics and German. Breakfast, luncheon +and tea are mentioned in due course; but there is no reference +to dinner or supper. These functions were doubtless regarded +by the young student as frivolous waste of time.</p> +<p>I knew <span class='smcap'>Lubbock</span> personally during his long membership +of the House of Commons. He had neither grace of diction +nor charm of oratory. But he had a way of getting Bills +through all their stages which exceeded the average attained +by more attractive speakers. In his references to Parliamentary +life he mentions that <span class='smcap'>Gladstone</span>, when he proposed +to abolish the Income Tax, told him that he intended +to meet the deficiency partly by increase of the death duties. +That was a fundamental principle of the Budget Lord +<span class='smcap'>Randolph Churchill</span> prepared during his brief Chancellorship +of the Exchequer. It was left to Sir <span class='smcap'>William Harcourt</span> +to realise the fascinating scheme, later to be extended +by Mr. <span class='smcap'>Lloyd George</span>. Another of Lord <span class='smcap'>Randolph's</span> +personally unfulfilled schemes was the introduction of one-pound +notes. In a letter dated 16th December, 1886, he +confidentially communicated his project to <span class='smcap'>Lubbock</span>. +When his book reaches its second edition Mr. <span class='smcap'>Hutchinson</span> +will have an opportunity of correcting a misapprehension +set forth on page 48. He writes that, on June 21st, 1895, +"all were startled by an announcement that Mr. <span class='smcap'>Gladstone</span> +had resigned and that Parliament was to be dissolved." +The surprise was not unnatural since Lord <span class='smcap'>Rosebery</span> was +Prime Minister at this memorable crisis.</p> +<hr /> +<p>I can see some good in most people, but none whatever +in those chairmen of meetings who, being put up to introduce +distinguished speakers, thoroughly well worth listening +<span class='pagenum'><a id='page544' name='page544'></a>[pg 544]</span> +to, feel called upon to delay matters by making lengthy +speeches themselves. I propose to be quite brief in +announcing <span class='smcap'>Professor Stephen Leacock</span> on <i>Arcadian +Adventures with the Idle Rich</i> (<span class='smcap'>Lane</span>). Conceive this arch-humourist +let loose, if so rough a term may be applied to +so delicate a wit, among the sordid and fleshly plutocracy +of a progressive American city; imagine his polished satire +expending itself on such playful themes as the running of +fashionable churches on strictly commercial lines, dogma +and ritualism being so directed and adapted as to leave the +largest possible dividends on the Special Offertory Cumulative +Stock, and your appetite will be whetted for an +intellectual feast of the most delicious flavour. For myself, +I found a certain quiet but intense delight in the first five +stories, episodes in the lives of individual billionaires; but +when I came to the last three, which dealt with the class +as a collective whole, then I became frankly and noisily +hilarious. I am not given to +being tiresome in the reading-room; +it is another of the unforgivable +offences; but I defy +any man of intelligence to read +those chapters and retain even +a fair remnant of self-control.</p> +<hr /> +<p><i>The Lighter Side of School +Life</i> (<span class='smcap'>Foulis</span>) is one of the +merriest and shrewdest books +that I have met for a long time. +Mr. <span class='smcap'>Ian Hay</span> pleasantly dedicates +his work "to the members +of the most responsible, the least +advertised, the worst paid, and +the most richly rewarded profession +in the world"; and you +will not have turned two pages +before discovering that the writer +of them knows pretty thoroughly +what he is writing about. For +my own part I claim to have +some experience both of schoolmasters +and boys, and I can say +at once that the former at least +have seldom been dealt with +more faithfully than by Mr. <span class='smcap'>Hay</span>. +His chapter on "Some Form +Masters" is a thing of the purest joy; bitingly true, yet +withal of a kindly sympathy with his victims. One would +say that he knows boys as well, were it not for the +conviction that to imagine any kind of understanding of +Boydom is (if my contemporaries will forgive me) the last +enchantment of the middle-aged, and the most fallacious. +As for the Educational experts, he has all the cold and +calculated hate for them that is the mark of experience. +I admired especially his treatment of the "craze for practical +teaching," the theory which holds, for example, that, +instead of postulating a fixed relation between the circumference +of a circle and its diameter, a teacher should supply +his boys with several ordinary tin canisters, a piece of +string and a ruler, and leave the form to work out their +own result. Decidedly, Mr. <span class='smcap'>Hay</span> has seen <i>The Lighter +Side of School Life</i> with the eye of knowledge; and when +I mention that your own eyes will here encounter a dozen +pictures by Mr. <span class='smcap'>Lewis Baumer</span> at his delightful best—well, +I suppose, enough said.</p> +<hr /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%;"> +<a href="images/544.png"> +<img src="images/544.png" title="" alt="KAISER BACK TO THE FRONT" width="100%" /></a> +<h4>"KAISER BACK TO THE FRONT."</h4> +<p>(<span class='smcap'>Attempted illustration to a recent poster of the evening press.</span>)</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<p>At one time, I hope for ever gone, Mr. <span class='smcap'>Percy White's</span> +sense of irony ran away with him. He seemed to have +said to himself, "I can write witty dialogue and I have a +shrewd eye for foibles, and if you are not satisfied with +that you can take it or leave it." I for one took it, +but always with a feeling that he was offering me a sparkling +wine of a quality not first-rate, whereas with a little +more trouble and expense he could have offered me an +unimpeachable brand. Now that <i>Cairo</i> (<span class='smcap'>Constable</span>) has provided +me with what I have been waiting for, I am more than +delighted to present my acknowledgments. Mr. <span class='smcap'>White's</span> +subject is pat to the moment; moreover it is handled with +such unobtrusive skill that one absorbs a serious problem +without being anxiously conscious that all the play of +intrigue and adventure is covering a much deeper motive. +When Mr. <span class='smcap'>White</span> sent <i>Daniel Addington</i> to Egypt to meet +<i>Abdul Sayed</i>, who had been at Oxford and was a leader of +the Young Egyptian party, he gave himself a chance of +which he has taken full advantage. It is true that +<i>Addington</i> cried a pest on all politics as soon as he fell a +victim to the charms of <i>Ann +Donne</i>, a widow of excessive +sprightliness; but by that time +he was too deeply enmeshed in +the nets of intrigue to escape +the just reward of those amateurs +who dabble with critical +situations. <i>Abdul</i> regarded him +as a "milksop," and so he was +from <i>Abdul's</i> full-blooded point +of view; but I can also see in +him a fresh testimony to the +courage of our race. For he +married the widow <i>Ann</i>, and +that was a very plucky thing to +do.</p> +<hr /> +<p>The only thing that I didn't +like about <i>Molly, My Heart's +Delight</i> (<span class='smcap'>Smith, Elder</span>) was the +title. But to allow yourself to +be put off by this will be to +miss one of the pleasantest +books of the season. What I +might call true fiction has always +held a peculiar charm for me. +In the present work that clever +writer, <span class='smcap'>Katharine Tynan</span>, has +been lucky and astute enough +to find an ideal heroine, ready made to her hand, in the +person of the charming woman who married <span class='smcap'>Dean Delany</span>. +Upon the basis of her diaries and letters the romance has +been built up, with the excellent result of a blend of art +and actuality that is most engaging. <i>Molly</i> is the gayest +of creatures in her girlhood. We see her character develop +gradually, tamed and half broken by her unhappy first +marriage (an episode exquisitely treated, so that even the +ugly side of it bears yet some precious jewels of charity +and long-suffering), tried in the fire of romantic adoration, +and finally reaching its appointed destiny in the comradeship +with "kind, tender, faithful D.D." Lovers of diaries +and memoirs, equally with those who like a graceful tale +well told, will find what they want here, from the moment +when its heroine goes, a girl-bride, to the romantically +gloomy house of Rhoscrow, to that other moment when +the placid mistress of the Deanery hears of the death of +<i>Bellamy</i>, the man whom all her life she really loved. This +book of <i>Molly</i> should be a "heart's delight" to many.</p> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p class='center'>"ARIZONA BILL VIOLATES TREATIES."—<i>New York Times.</i></p> +</blockquote> +<p>So does Potsdam <span class='smcap'>Bill</span>.</p> +<hr /> +<div><span class='pagenum'><a id='page545' name='page545'></a>[pg 545]</span></div> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%;"> +<a href="images/545.png"> +<img src="images/545.png" title="" alt="Epilogue" width="100%" /></a> +</div> +<h2>PUNCH IN THE TRENCHES.</h2> +<p><i>Mr. Punch</i> drew another letter from the heap on his office-desk and opened it.</p> +<p class='ralign'><i>Polwheedle, Cornwall.</i></p> +<p><span class='smcap'>Dear</span> <i>Mr. Punch</i>,—An amusing incident happened here yesterday. I was talking to an old countryman, a +great character in the village, and I happened to make some remark about the War. "What war?" asked old Jarge. +"The European War," I answered in surprise. "Well," he said, "they've got a fine day for it." I thought this would +interest you.</p> +<div class='poem'><div class='stanza'> +<p>Yours etc.,</p> +<p><span class='smcap'>John Brown</span>.</p> +</div></div> +<p>"Two hundred and eighteen," said <i>Mr. Punch</i> to himself, and took the next letter from the heap.</p> +<p class='ralign'><i>Wortleberry, Sussex.</i></p> +<p>Mr. William Smith presents his compliments to <i>Mr. Punch</i> and begs to send him the following dialogue which +occurred in this village yesterday:—</p> +<p><i>Myself.</i> "Well, what do you think of the War, Jarge?"</p> +<p><i>Jarge.</i> "What war?"</p> +<p><i>Myself (surprised).</i> "The European War."</p> +<p><i>Jarge.</i> "They've got a fine day for it, anyhow."</p> +<p>Mr. Smith thought you would like this.</p> +<p>"Two hundred and nineteen," said <i>Mr. Punch</i> to himself, "not counting the South African or Crimean ones." +He sighed and selected a third letter.</p> +<p class='ralign'><i>Sporransprock, Kirkcudbrightshire.</i></p> +<p><span class='smcap'>Dear</span> <i>Mr. Punch</i>,—How's this? I asked a native what he thought of the War. On being told which war, he +replied, "Eh, mon, ye ken, but they've got a gran'——"</p> +<p>At this point <i>Mr. Punch</i> rose from his chair and began to pace the room restlessly.</p> +<p>"There must be more in life than this," he said to himself again and again; "this can't be all."</p> +<p>He looked at his watch.</p> +<p>"Yes," he murmured, "that's it. I shall just have time."</p> +<p>Hastily donning the military overcoat of an Honorary Cornet-Major of the Bouverie Street Roughriders, he left +for the Front.</p> +<hr /> +<p>Mud, and then again mud, and then very much more mud.</p> +<div><span class='pagenum'><a id='page546' name='page546'></a>[pg 546]</span></div> +<p>"Halt! Who goes there?" "Friend," said <i>Mr. Punch</i> hopefully. "It's <i>Mr. Punch</i>," said a cheerful voice. +"Come in."</p> +<p>The Cornet-Major of the B.S.R. glissaded into the trench and found himself shaking hands with a very young +subaltern of the ——th ——s. [<i>Censored.</i>]</p> +<p>"Thought I recognised you," he said. "Glad to see you out here, Sir."</p> +<p>"That's really what I came about," said <i>Mr. Punch</i>. "I want your advice."</p> +<p>"My advice! Good Lord!... Sure you're comfortable there? Now what'll you have? Cigar or barley-sugar?" +<i>Mr. Punch</i> accepted a cigar.</p> +<p>"We're all for barley-sugar ourselves just now," the subaltern went on. "Seems kiddish, but there it is."</p> +<p><i>Mr. Punch</i> lit his cigar and proceeded to explain himself.</p> +<p>"I say that I have come to consult you," he began. "It seems strange, you think. I am seventy-three, and +you are——"</p> +<p>"Twenty-two," said the subaltern. "Next November."</p> +<p>"And yet Seventy-three comes here to sit at the feet of Twenty-two, and for every encouraging word that +Twenty-two offers him Seventy-three will say 'Thank you!'"</p> +<p>"Rats," said Twenty-two for a start.</p> +<p>"Let me explain," said the Venerable One. "There come moments in the life of every man when he says +suddenly to himself, 'What am I doing? Is it worth it?'—a moment when the work of which he has for years +been proud seems all at once to be of no value whatever." The subaltern murmured something. "No, not necessarily +indigestion. There may be other causes. Well, such a moment has just come to me ... and I wondered." He +hesitated, and then added wistfully, "Perhaps you could say something to help me."</p> +<p>"The pen," said the subaltern, coughing slightly, "is mightier than the sword."</p> +<p>"It is," said the Sage. "I've often said so ... in Peace time."</p> +<p>The subaltern blushed as he searched his mind for the Historic Example.</p> +<p>"Didn't <span class='smcap'>Wolfe</span> say that he would rather have written what's-its-name than taken Quebec?" he asked +hesitatingly.</p> +<p>"Yes, he did. And for most of his life the poet would have agreed with him. But, if at the moment when +he read of the taking of Quebec you had asked <span class='smcap'>Gray</span>, I think he would have changed places with <span class='smcap'>Wolfe</span> very +willingly.... And in Bouverie Street," added <i>Mr. Punch</i>, "we read of the takings of Quebecs almost every day."</p> +<p>The subaltern was thoughtful for a moment.</p> +<p>"I'll tell you a true story," he said quietly. "There was a man in this trench who had his leg shot off. They +couldn't get him away till night, and here he had to wait for the whole of the day.... He stuck it out.... +And what do you think he stuck it out on?"</p> +<p>"Morphia?" suggested <i>Mr. Punch</i>.</p> +<p>"Partly on morphia, and partly on—something else."</p> +<p>"Yes?" said <i>Mr. Punch</i> breathlessly.</p> +<p>"Yes—<i>you</i>. He read ... and he laughed ... and by-and-by the night came."</p> +<p>A silence came over them both. Then <i>Mr. Punch</i> got up quietly.</p> +<p>"Good-bye," he said, holding out his hand, "and thank you. That moment I spoke about seems to have gone." +He took a book from under his arm and placed it in the other's hands. "I generally give this away with rather a flourish," +he confessed. "This time I'll just say, 'Will you take it?' It's all there; all that I think and hope and dream, and +that you out here are doing.... Good luck to you—and let me help some more of you to stick it out."</p> +<p>And with that he returned to Bouverie Street, leaving behind in the trench his</p> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 70%;"> +<a href="images/546.png"> +<img src="images/546.png" title="" alt="One Hundred and Forty-Seventh Volume" width="100%" /></a> +</div> +<hr /> +<div><span class='pagenum'><a id='page547' name='page547'></a>[pg 547]</span></div> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%;"> +<a href="images/547.png"> +<img src="images/547.png" title="" alt="INDEX" width="100%" /></a> +</div> +<h2>Cartoons.</h2> +<div class='poem'><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Partridge, Bernard</span>.</p> +<p class="i2">At the Post of Honour, 203</p> +<p class="i2">Children's Truce (The), 519</p> +<p class="i2">Chronic Complaint (A), 459</p> +<p class="i2">Eagle Comique (The), 419</p> +<p class="i2">Emergency Exit (The), 11</p> +<p class="i2">Excursionist (The), 379</p> +<p class="i2">Giving the Show Away, 319</p> +<p class="i2">Glorious Example (A), 399</p> +<p class="i2">God (and the Women) our Shield, 223</p> +<p class="i2">Hail! Russia, 243</p> +<p class="i2">Killed, 499</p> +<p class="i2">King at the Front (The), 479</p> +<p class="i2">Masterpiece in the Making (A), 51</p> +<p class="i2">Mutual Service, 131</p> +<p class="i2">New Army to the Front (The), 539</p> +<p class="i2">Pattern of Chivalry (A), 439</p> +<p class="i2">Plain Duty (A), 359</p> +<p class="i2">Resort to the Obvious (A), 91</p> +<p class="i2">Road to Russia (The), 299</p> +<p class="i2">Triumph of "Culture" (The), 185</p> +<p class="i2">Unconquerable, 339</p> +<p class="i2">What of the Dawn?, 111</p> +<p class="i2">World's Enemy (The), 167</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Raven-Hill, L.</span></p> +<p class="i2">At Durazzo-super-Mare, 83</p> +<p class="i2">Beaten on Points, 23</p> +<p class="i2">Carrying on, 431</p> +<p class="i2">Coming of the Cossacks (The), 177</p> +<p class="i2">Cool Stuff, 123</p> +<p class="i2">Dishonoured, 531</p> +<p class="i2">Forewarned, 371</p> +<p class="i2">For Friendship and Honour, 151</p> +<p class="i2">Fulfilment, 511</p> +<p class="i2">Good Hunting, 411</p> +<p class="i2">Greater Game (The), 331</p> +<p class="i2">Great Goth (The), 281</p> +<p class="i2">Great Illusion (The), 263</p> +<p class="i2">His Master's Voice, 391</p> +<p class="i2">India for the King, 215</p> +<p class="i2">Innocent (The), 471</p> +<p class="i2">Joseph Chamberlain, 71</p> +<p class="i2">Limit (The), 351</p> +<p class="i2">Made in Germany, 235</p> +<p class="i2">North Sea Chantey (A), 311</p> +<p class="i2">Political Jungle (The), 40-41</p> +<p class="i2">Power Behind (The), 103</p> +<p class="i2">Sinews of War (The), 491</p> +<p class="i2">To Arms, 195</p> +<p class="i2">Well Met, 161</p> +<p class="i2">When the Ships come Home, 3</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Townsend, F. H.</span></p> +<p class="i2">Boer and Briton Too, 273</p> +<p class="i2">Bravo, Belgium, 143</p> +<p class="i2">Incorrigibles (The), 291</p> +<p class="i2">Liberal Cave-Men (The), 63</p> +<p class="i2">Men of Few Words, 451</p> +<p class="i2">Nothing Doing, 255</p> +</div></div> +<hr /> +<h2>Articles.</h2> +<div class='poem'><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Boyle, W. P.</span></p> +<p class="i2">In Memory, 280</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Brightwell, L. R.</span></p> +<p class="i2">Another Misjudged Alien, 465</p> +<p class="i2">Notes by a War Dog, 385</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Brown, C. Hilton</span></p> +<p class="i2">Cottage (The), 138</p> +<p class="i2">Little Brother, 495</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Caldecott, H. S.</span></p> +<p class="i2">Paris Again, 426</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Campbell, A. Y.</span></p> +<p class="i2">Stick to it, Right Wing, 335</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Chalmers, P. R.</span></p> +<p class="i2">At the Tower, 62</p> +<p class="i2">Bees (The), 121</p> +<p class="i2">Fact and Fable, 110</p> +<p class="i2">Fan, 435</p> +<p class="i2">Guns of Verdun, 202</p> +<p class="i2">Infantry, 222</p> +<p class="i2">In the City, 181</p> +<p class="i2">Jules François, 315</p> +<p class="i2">Kings from the East, 260</p> +<p class="i2">Kitty Adair, 98</p> +<p class="i2">Lady's Walk (The), 377</p> +<p class="i2">Prima Donna (The), 31</p> +<p class="i2">Southdowns (The), 343</p> +<p class="i2">Steeple (The), 279</p> +<p class="i2">To Limehouse, 251</p> +<p class="i2">Wilhelm, 348</p> +<p class="i2">Wireless, 395</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Cobb, Miss J.</span></p> +<p class="i2">Willow Pattern Plate (The), 503</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Cochrane, A.</span></p> +<p class="i2">Sporting Despatch (A), 464</p> +<p class="i2">Tirpitz Touch (The), 242</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Collins, G. H.</span></p> +<p class="i2">To a Super-Patriot, 413</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Creswell, Bulkeley</span></p> +<p class="i2">Rubbing It In, 56</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Dark, Richard</span></p> +<p class="i2">Love's Labour Not Lost, 474</p> +<p class="i2">Voice in the Night (A), 536</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Davey, Norman</span></p> +<p class="i2">R.G.A. 536</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Drennan, W. St. G.</span></p> +<p class="i2">Docthor's War Speech (The), 424</p> +<p class="i2">Tommy Brown, Auctioneer, 466</p> +<p class="i2">Tommy Brown, Patriot, 394</p> +<p class="i2">Tommy Brown, Recruiting Sergeant, 330</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Duffield, E. N.</span></p> +<p class="i2">Silvern Tongue (The), 268</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Duffin, Miss</span></p> +<p class="i2">Barbara's Birthday Bear, 524</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Eckersley, Arthur</span></p> +<p class="i2">Cutting Down, 268</p> +<p class="i2">New News (The), 179</p> +<p class="i2">Next (The), 541</p> +<p class="i2">Pacificist (The), 238</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Eden, Mrs. H. P.</span></p> +<p class="i2">Prize (The), 521</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Elias, F.</span></p> +<p class="i2">How Germany Came Off, 194</p> +<p class="i2">How War is "Made in Germany", 163</p> +<p class="i2">Mails for a Mailed Fist, 498</p> +<p class="i2">Sound and Fury, 279</p> +<p class="i2">Why I Don't Enlist, 410</p> +<p class="i2">Works of Kultur, 341</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Emanuel, Walter</span></p> +<p class="i2">Catch (The), 259</p> +<p class="i2">Charivaria, weekly</p> +<p class="i2">Nut's Views on the War (A), 306</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Fay, Stanley J.</span></p> +<p class="i2">Plea for Pegasus (A), 166</p> +<p class="i2">Price of Patriotism (The), 430</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Forster, R. H.</span></p> +<p class="i2">Food War (A), 259</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Garvey, Miss Ina</span></p> +<p class="i2">Blanche's Letters, 68, 206, 396</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Gittins, H. N.</span></p> +<p class="i2">Double Cure (The), 129</p> +<p class="i2">Exercise 1, 95</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Glasgow, Mrs. R.</span></p> +<p class="i2">On Earth—Peace, 521</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Graham, Scott</span></p> +<p class="i2">Militant's Tariff (The), 15</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Graves, C. L.</span></p> +<p class="i2">Burgomaster Max, 301</p> +<p class="i2">Father Wilhelm, 397</p> +<p class="i2">Freedom of the Press (The), 483</p> +<p class="i2">Imperial Infanticide (The), 537</p> +<p class="i2">Minor War Games, 501</p> +<p class="i2">New School of Divinity (The), 257</p> +<p class="i2">Passing of the Cow (The), 137</p> +<p class="i2">Super-Sympathy, 239</p> +<p class="i2">To Mr. Bernard Jaw, 430</p> +<p class="i2">Two Germanies (The), 213</p> +<p class="i2">War's Revenges, 464</p> +<p class="i2">Woman at the Fight, 25</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Graves, C. L., and Lucas, E. V.</span></p> +<p class="i2">Answers to Correspondents, 171</p> +<p class="i2">Archibong, 382</p> +<p class="i2">As Others Wish to See Us, 381</p> +<p class="i2">Aunt Louisa's Song Scena, 414</p> +<p class="i2">Balm for the Brainless, 16</p> +<p class="i2">Choice (The), 278</p> +<p class="i2">Feline Amenities, 187</p> +<p class="i2">First Blunder (The), 230</p> +<p class="i2">From Another Point of View, 189</p> +<p class="i2">Heroes (The), 209</p> +<p class="i2">Limit of Ignorance (The), 424</p> +<p class="i2">Meditations on Mushrooms, 286</p> +<p class="i2">Mutability, 105</p> +<p class="i2">My Brother's Letter, 326</p> +<p class="i2">My Favourite Paper, 404</p> +<p class="i2">My Hardy Annual, 126</p> +<p class="i2">Our Literary War Lords, 378</p> +<p class="i2">Our Mighty Penmen, 476</p> +<p class="i2">Our Overburdened Heroes, 226</p> +<p class="i2">Oxford in Transition, 82</p> +<p class="i2">Politics at the Zoo, 30</p> +<p class="i2">Progress of Man (The), 106</p> +<p class="i2">Real Hero of the War (The), 532</p> +<p class="i2">Real Reason (The), 361</p> +<p class="i2">Renamed Celebrities, 313</p> +<p class="i2">Santa Claus at the Front, 522</p> +<p class="i2">Surprise (The), 346</p> +<p class="i2">Volumes, 145</p> +<p class="i2">White Man's Burden (The), 355</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Haselden, Percy</span></p> +<p class="i2">En Passant, 192</p> +<p class="i2">Moon-Pennies, 304</p> +<p class="i2">Searchlights on the Mersey, 478</p> +<p class="i2">To a Pompadour Clock, 269</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Hastings, B. Macdonald</span></p> +<p class="i2">Keeping in the Limelight, 515</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Hodgkinson, T.</span></p> +<p class="i2">Benefactor (A), 462</p> +<p class="i2">Diplomacy, 94</p> +<p class="i2">Forlorn Hope (The), 486</p> +<p class="i2">Imports and Exports, 247</p> +<p class="i2">Repatriation, 426</p> +<p class="i2">Silent Charmer (The), 16</p> +<p class="i2">Stable Information, 497</p> +<p class="i2">To a Jaded German Pressman, 306</p> +<p class="i2">Viking Spirit (The), 170</p> +<p class="i2">Wiser Choice (The), 135</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Hughes, C. E.</span></p> +<p class="i2">Restorative Power of Music (The), 150</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Jenkins, Ernest</span></p> +<p class="i2">Another Innocent Victim of the War, 373</p> +<p class="i2">Our Colossal Arrangements, 107</p> +<p class="i2">Things That Do Not Matter, 321</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Johnston, Alec</span></p> +<p class="i2">How Will You Take It?, 219</p> +<p class="i2">News from the Back of the Front, 470</p> +<p class="i2">Private View (The), 165</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Keigwin, R. P.</span></p> +<p class="i2">Casus Belli, 366</p> +<p class="i2">Four Sea Lords (The), 478</p> +<p class="i2">To a Naval Cadet, 266</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Kidd, Arthur</span></p> +<p class="i2">Awakening (The), 287</p> +<p class="i2">Fortune's Favourite, 198</p> +<p class="i2">Kill or Cure, 530</p> +<p class="i2">Our Daily Bread, 308</p> +<p class="i2">Prophets (The), 505</p> +<p class="i2">Strategic Disease, 416</p> +<p class="i2">Tours in Fact and Fancy, 58</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Kingsley-Long, H.</span></p> +<p class="i2">With High Heart, 343</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Knox, E. G. V.</span></p> +<p class="i2">Awakening (The), 87, 433</p> +<p class="i2">Cocoanuts, 127</p> +<p class="i2">Cut Flowers, 122</p> +<p class="i2">Double Life (The), 148</p> +<p class="i2">Error in Arcady (An), 116</p> +<p class="i2">Foiling of "The Blare" (The), 117</p> +<p class="i2">Great Petard (The), 375</p> +<p class="i2">Great Shock (The), 338</p> +<p class="i2">In Darkest Germany, 358</p> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a id='page548' name='page548'></a>[pg 548]</span></p> +<p class="i2">Jesting of Jane (The), 55</p> +<p class="i2">Kaiser's Hate (The), 415</p> +<p class="i2">Misused Talent (The), 393</p> +<p class="i2">New Noah's Ark (The), 234</p> +<p class="i2">Ode to the Spirit of Wireless Victory, 262</p> +<p class="i2">Peace with Honour, 458</p> +<p class="i2">Progress, 1</p> +<p class="i2">Purple Lie (The), 22</p> +<p class="i2">Saving of Stratford (The), 295</p> +<p class="i2">Scratch Handicap (The), 188</p> +<p class="i2">Tempering the Wind, 65</p> +<p class="i2">Twilight in Regent's Park, 318</p> +<p class="i2">Valhalla, 276</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Langley, F. O.</span></p> +<p class="i2">Extenuating Circumstance (The), 146</p> +<p class="i2">Helpmeet (The), 304</p> +<p class="i2">Payment in Kind, 66</p> +<p class="i2">Sinecure (The), 82</p> +<p class="i2">Watch Dogs (The), 183, 200, 258, 284, 314, 353, 398, 453, 494, 534</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Laws, A. Gordon</span></p> +<p class="i2">Censor Habit (The), 221</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Lawrence C. E.</span></p> +<p class="i2">As England Expects, 260</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Legard, T. F.</span></p> +<p class="i2">Victorine, 542</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Lehmann, R. C.</span></p> +<p class="i2">Amanda, 75</p> +<p class="i2">Compulsion, 98</p> +<p class="i2">Crisis (The), 102</p> +<p class="i2">Determined Island (A), 142, 160, 176</p> +<p class="i2">Diary of a Kaiser, 214</p> +<p class="i2">For the Children, 435</p> +<p class="i2">Khaki Muffler (The), 364</p> +<p class="i2">Ode to John Bradbury, 208</p> +<p class="i2">Packer's Plaint (The), 130</p> +<p class="i2">Search for Paddington (The), 486</p> +<p class="i2">Teeth-Setting, 247</p> +<p class="i2">Unwritten Letters to the Kaiser, 254, 272, 290, 310, 345, 370, 390, 426, 450, 493, 510, 530</p> +<p class="i2">Walkers (The), 10</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Letts, W. M.</span></p> +<p class="i2">Sea Change (A), 301</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Lodge, Arthur A.</span></p> +<p class="i2">Enigma, 6</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Lucas, E. V.</span></p> +<p class="i2">Entente in Being (The), 481</p> +<p class="i2">Marne Footnote (A), 504</p> +<p class="i2">Once Upon a Time, 18, 26, 76, 85</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Lucy, Henry</span></p> +<p class="i2">Essence of Parliament, Weekly during Session.</p> +<p class="i2">"Charlie" Beresford, 401</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Lulham, H.</span></p> +<p class="i2">Bob's Way, 259</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Lumley, L.</span></p> +<p class="i2">Guarded Green (The), 78</p> +<p class="i2">My Girl Caddie, 138</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Lyon, Miss L. Bowes</span></p> +<p class="i2">Britain to Belgium, 381</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>MacLaren, N.</span></p> +<p class="i2">Peacemaker (The), 535</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Martin, N. R.</span></p> +<p class="i2">Doubt, 267</p> +<p class="i2">False Pretences, 355</p> +<p class="i2">Great Campaign (The), 241</p> +<p class="i2">Our Guy, 374</p> +<p class="i2">Recruiting Ballad (A), 443</p> +<p class="i2">Report Fallacious (The), 374</p> +<p class="i2">Terrors of War (The), 484</p> +<p class="i2">Too Much Championship, 69</p> +<p class="i2">War in Acacia Avenue (The), 303</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>McKay, Herbert</span></p> +<p class="i2">Top Slice (The), 108</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Milne, A. A.</span></p> +<p class="i2">Armageddon, 128</p> +<p class="i2">At the Play, 210, 222, 246, 286</p> +<p class="i2">Christmas Spirit (The), 516</p> +<p class="i2">Double Mystery (The), 336</p> +<p class="i2">Enchanted Castle (The), 2</p> +<p class="i2">Enter Bingo, 316</p> +<p class="i2">Evangelist (The), 254</p> +<p class="i2">Fatal Gift (The), 198</p> +<p class="i2">First Tee (The), 89</p> +<p class="i2">High Jinks at Happy-Thought Hall, 496</p> +<p class="i2">James Feels Better, 240</p> +<p class="i2">Last Line (The), 275, 293, 356, 416, 476</p> +<p class="i2">Midsummer Madness (A), 28</p> +<p class="i2">Old Order Changes (The), 164</p> +<p class="i2">Patriot (The), 436</p> +<p class="i2">Peace Cigar (The), 376</p> +<p class="i2">Problem of Life (The), 146</p> +<p class="i2">Question of Light (A), 456</p> +<p class="i2">"They Also Serve", 182</p> +<p class="i2">Two Recruiting Sergeants (The), 218</p> +<p class="i2">Warm Half-Hour (A), 62</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Mulgrew, Frank</span></p> +<p class="i2">Scandalmongrian Romance (A), 7</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>O'Carroll, T. Locke</span></p> +<p class="i2">Archbishop's Apologia (The), 455</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Ogilvie, W. H.</span></p> +<p class="i2">War Horse of the King (A), 280</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Philpotts, Eden</span></p> +<p class="i2">Cannon Fodder, 305</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Plumbe, C. Conway</span></p> +<p class="i2">Debt of Honour (A), 422</p> +<p class="i2">Home Thoughts from the Trenches, 496</p> +<p class="i2">India: 1784-1914, 296</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Pope, Miss Jessie</span></p> +<p class="i2">His First Victory, 217</p> +<p class="i2">Little and Good, 383</p> +<p class="i2">Outpost (The), 239</p> +<p class="i2">Royal Cracksman (A), 338</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Richardson, R. J.</span></p> +<p class="i2">Lost Season (The), 364</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Rigby, Reginald</span></p> +<p class="i2">Another War Scare, 475</p> +<p class="i2">Arrest (The), 363</p> +<p class="i2">Counting of Chickens (The), 230</p> +<p class="i2">Mark of Distinction (A), 78</p> +<p class="i2">Safeguards, 418</p> +<p class="i2">Suppressed Superman (The), 516</p> +<p class="i2">Unintelligent Anticipation, 334</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Rittenberg, Max</span></p> +<p class="i2">Beats, 322</p> +<p class="i2">Column of Adventure (The), 208</p> +<p class="i2">Mystery of Prince —— (The), 383</p> +<p class="i2">Old Bulldog Breed (The), 424</p> +<p class="i2">Slump in Crime (The), 342</p> +<p class="i2">Wild and Woolly West End (The), 444</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Seaman, Owen</span></p> +<p class="i2">Another Scrap of Paper, 290</p> +<p class="i2">At the Play, 96, 246, 286, 302, 344, 434, 506</p> +<p class="i2">Avengers (The), 194</p> +<p class="i2">Between Midnight and Morning, 490</p> +<p class="i2">Call of England (The), 176</p> +<p class="i2">Canute and the Kaiser, 350</p> +<p class="i2">Dies Iræ, 160</p> +<p class="i2">Earl Roberts (In Memory), 438</p> +<p class="i2">Egypt in Venice, 5</p> +<p class="i2">For the Red Cross, 214</p> +<p class="i2">Imperial Overture (An), 272</p> +<p class="i2">Joseph Chamberlain (In Memory), 70</p> +<p class="i2">Leaves from an Imperial Note Book, 234</p> +<p class="i2">Old Sea-Rover Speaks (The), 510</p> +<p class="i2">Patriot Under Fire (A), 22</p> +<p class="i2">Probation, 254</p> +<p class="i2">Pro Patria, 142</p> +<p class="i2">Thomas of the Light Heart, 310</p> +<p class="i2">To a False Patriot, 370</p> +<p class="i2">To the Bitter End, 410</p> +<p class="i2">To the Enemy on his Achievement, 330</p> +<p class="i2">To the Neutral Nations, 450</p> +<p class="i2">To the Shirker: A Last Appeal, 390</p> +<p class="i2">Truthful Willie, 470</p> +<p class="i2">Uses of Ocean (The), 102</p> +<p class="i2">War-Lord's New Year's Eve (The), 530</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Smith, Bertram</span></p> +<p class="i2">Attack on German Trade (The), 197</p> +<p class="i2">Christmas Presents, 1914, 502</p> +<p class="i2">Cure for Cricket (The), 17</p> +<p class="i2">Dispositions, 237</p> +<p class="i2">Inquisition (The), 76</p> +<p class="i2">Interpreters (The), 296</p> +<p class="i2">Nature of a Moratorium (The), 159</p> +<p class="i2">Our Dumb Enemies, 383</p> +<p class="i2">Our National Guests, 406, 444, 502</p> +<p class="i2">Sunday Evening Edition (The), 333</p> +<p class="i2">War Declarations, 220</p> +<p class="i2">War Items, 341</p> +<p class="i2">War Mementoes, 454</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Smith, Miss Cicely Fox</span></p> +<p class="i2">Return of the Prodigal (The), 538</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Smith, E. B.</span></p> +<p class="i2">Zeitungs and Gazettings, 342</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Spender, Miss Brenda</span></p> +<p class="i2">Capture (A), 514</p> +<p class="i2">Herbert, 386</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Sterne, Ashley</span></p> +<p class="i2">Arms and the Woman, 250</p> +<p class="i2">Candidate for the Force (A), 199</p> +<p class="i2">Christmas Present for the Queen (A), 483</p> +<p class="i2">Last Bottle (The), 446</p> +<p class="i2">Mnemonics, 136</p> +<p class="i2">My Trousseau, 86</p> +<p class="i2">On Active Service, 156</p> +<p class="i2">Our War Story, 323</p> +<p class="i2">Rash Assumption (A), 473</p> +<p class="i2">Tobacco Plant (A), 405</p> +<p class="i2">Too Much Notice, 526</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Symns, J. M.</span></p> +<p class="i2">Grey Gibbons, 403</p> +<p class="i2">Missionary (The), 115</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Tatham, M.</span></p> +<p class="i2">Retrospective, 97</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Thorold, R. A.</span></p> +<p class="i2">Opportunists (The), 463</p> +<p class="i2">Price of War (The), 404</p> +<p class="i2">Traitor (The), 315</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Tombs, J. S. M.</span></p> +<p class="i2">Love's Labour Well Lost, 108</p> +<p class="i2">Love's Logic, 15</p> +<p class="i2">Professional Attitude (The), 61</p> +<p class="i2">Seasonable Beverage (A), 28</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Truscott, Parry</span></p> +<p class="i2">At the "Plough and Horses", 325</p> +<p class="i2">War and the High Hand, 350</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Whaite, M. H. Hoyle</span></p> +<p class="i2">Mr. Punch's War Correspondence, 277</p> +<p class="i2">Tragic Mistake at Potsdam (A), 423</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>White, R. F.</span></p> +<p class="i2">All Liars' Day, 118</p> +<p class="i2">Mr. Punch's Holiday Stories, 134, 154, 169, 190, 210, 228, 248</p> +<p class="i2">New Art(A), 365</p> +<p class="i2">Seaside Song Scena (A), 26</p> +<p class="i2">Unplayed Masterpiece (An), 88</p> +</div></div> +<hr /> +<h2>Pictures and Sketches.</h2> +<div class='poem'><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Armour, G. D.</span>, 44, 65, 97, 117, 139, 157, 165, 189, 199, 267, 287, 303, 323, 335, 365, 385, 407, 427, 445, 467, 485, 507, 527, 537</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Baumer, Lewis</span>, 15, 29, 32, 85, 110, 245, 271, 305, 337, 361, 369, 453, 478</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Baynes, Philip</span>, 17, 46</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Belcher, George</span>, 59, 79, 137, 145, 173, 219, 237, 275, 307, 321, 347, 375, 447, 475, 521</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Bird, W.</span>, 38, 61, 121, 238, 251, 314, 362, 389, 489, 529</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Briault, S.</span>, 294</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Brightwell, L. R.</span>, 415, 514</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Brook, Ricardo</span>, 284, 309, 384, 402, 409, 494, 528</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Calor, T.</span>, 374</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Cobb, Miss Ruth</span>, 429</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Cross, Stanley</span>, 278, 414</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Dowd, J. H.</span>, 94, 231</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Fenning, Wilson</span>, 21</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Fraser, P.</span>, 54, 158, 328, 348, 349, 454, 534</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>German, Dick</span>, 449, 502</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Grave, Charles</span>, 6, 69, 95, 126, 181, 213, 250, 265, 289, 465, 469, 482, 526</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Halliday, W.</span>, 106</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Harrison, C.</span>, 38, 46, 159, 241, 302, 306, 522</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Hart, Frank</span>, 155, 327, 343, 423</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Haselden, W. K.</span>, 96, 210, 434, 506</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Henry, Thomas</span>, 508</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Hickling, P. B.</span>, 115, 301</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Illingworth, F. W.</span>, 270</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Jennis, G.</span>, 227, 277, 355</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>King, Gunning</span>, 397</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Lewin, F. G.</span>, 474</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Lloyd, A. W.</span>, 13, 53, 73, 74, 93, 113, 133, 134, 153, 154, 162, 170, 175, 180, 205, 206, 228, 230, 233, 245, 266</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Low, Harry</span>, 448</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Lunt, Wilmot</span>, 99, 345, 398, 463</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>McHutchon, F.</span>, 220</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Miles, M.</span>, 354</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Mills, A. Wallis</span>, 7, 47, 75, 101, 135, 149, 174, 191, 193, 207, 247, 259, 285, 317, 333, 363, 382, 394, 425, 455, 495, 538</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Minns, B. E.</span>, 27, 86</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Morrow, Edwin A.</span>, 14, 80, 81, 147</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Morrow, George</span>, 9, 43, 48, 49, 50, 60, 77, 100, 120, 140, 190, 212, 232, 252, 288, 308, 325, 387, 401, 428, 435, 468, 488, 498, 509</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Norris, A.</span>, 26, 221, 322</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Partridge, Bernard</span>, 1, 31</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Patten, L.</span>, 368</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Pears, Charles</span>, 129, 269</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Pegram, Fred</span>, 171, 357, 418, 505, 525, 541</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Pett, Norman</span>, 141</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Raven-hill, L.</span>, 36, 107, 166, 187, 209, 257, 358, 383, 515, 518</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Reynolds, Frank</span>, 211, 261, 279, 395, 487</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Reynolds, Percy T.</span>, 342, 483</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Rhead, F. A.</span>, 381</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Rountree, Harry</span>, 295, 443, 503</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Shepard, E. H.</span>, 45, 57, 66, 130, 183, 201, 222, 298, 318, 338, 378, 417, 517, 543</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Shepperson, C. A.</span>, 10, 34, 35, 90, 109, 184, 202, 249, 262, 280, 293, 315, 341, 367, 377, 413, 433, 458, 481, 501, 535</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Simmons, Graham</span>, 67</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Skinner, H. F. C.</span>, 446</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Smith, A. T.</span>, 19, 30, 55, 87, 114, 127</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Stampa, G. L.</span>, 37, 119, 169, 192, 229, 242, 253, 297, 329, 388, 405, 437, 457, 477, 523</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Thomas, Bert</span>, 422, 497</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Thorpe, J. H.</span>, 403</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Terry, Stan</span>, 20</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Townsend, F. H.</span>, 5, 25, 33, 37, 89, 105, 125, 150, 163, 179, 197, 217, 225, 239, 283, 313, 334, 353, 373, 393, 421, 441, 442, 461, 473, 493, 513, 533</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Westrup, Miss E. K.</span>, 408</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Wilson, David</span>, 172, 246, 462</p> +</div><div class='stanza'> +<p><span class='smcap'>Wood, Starr</span>, 188</p> +</div></div> +<hr /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%;"> +<a href="images/548.png"> +<img src="images/548.png" title="" alt="FINIS" width="100%" /></a> +</div> +<hr class='pb' /> +<div class="trnote"> +<p><b>Transcriber Notes</b></p> +<p>Page 538 was moved to just after page 535, as the Peace-Maker article clearly begins on page 538 and concludes on page 536. +The original page numbers have been retained, however, and are therefore out of order.</p> +<p>Other typographical inconsistencies that have been changed are +listed below.</p> +<p>Archaic and variable spelling is preserved.</p> +<p>Editors' punctuation style is preserved.</p> +<p style='margin-top: 1.5em;'><b>Transcriber Changes</b></p> +<p>The following changes were made to the original text:</p> +<p><a href='#TC_1'>Page 529</a>: Was 'If' (<b>It</b> is said that for some time past he would start nervously)</p> +<p><a href='#TC_2'>Page 542</a>: Added period (for she is very <b>high-minded.</b> Her weekly bath gives rise to)</p> +</div> + +<!-- generated by ppg.rb version: ppg0727 --> +<!-- timestamp: Tue Aug 11 07:09:28 -0400 2009 --> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +147, December 30, 1914, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 29669-h.htm or 29669-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/9/6/6/29669/ + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer, +Katherine Ward, and the Online Distributed Proofreading +Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 147, December 30, 1914 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: August 11, 2009 [EBook #29669] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer, +Katherine Ward, and the Online Distributed Proofreading +Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOLUME 147. + +December 30, 1914. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + + +ABDUL the D--d is said to feel it keenly that, when the British +decided to appoint a Sultan in Egypt, they did not remember that he +was out of a job. + + *** + +Meanwhile ABBAS Pasha is reported to have had a presentiment that he +would one day be replaced by KAMEL Pasha. It is said that for some +time past he would start nervously whenever he heard the band of a +Highland regiment playing "The Kamel's a-coming." + + *** + +We have very little doubt that the German newspapers are publishing +photographs of Whitby Abbey, and claiming the entire credit for its +ruined condition. + + *** + +It remained for _The Times_ to chronicle the Germans' most astounding +feat. It happened at Hartlepool. "A chimney nearly 200 feet in height, +on the North-Eastern Railway hydraulic power-station, was," our +contemporary tells us, "grazed by a projectile about 100 yards above +its base." + + *** + +The Archbishop of YORK, who was one of the KAISER'S few apologists, is +said to feel keenly that potentate's ingratitude in selecting for +bombardment two unprotected bathing-places in his Grace's diocese. + + *** + +It is widely rumoured that WILHELM is conferring a special medal on +the perpetrators of this and similar outrages, to be called the +Kaiser-ye-Hun medal. + + *** + +Some of the German newspapers have been organising a symposium on the +subject of how to spend the coming Christmas. Herr ARTHUR VON GWINNER, +director of the Deutsche Bank, is evidently something of a humourist. +"More than ever," he says, "in the exercise of works of love and +charity." We rather doubt whether the Herr Direktor's irony will be +appreciated in high quarters. + + *** + +A message from Amsterdam says that there are signs in Berlin of +discontent with the German Chancellor and his staff, and patriots are +calling for a "clean sweep." The difficulty, of course, is that, while +there are plenty of sweeps in Germany, it is not easy to find a clean +one. + + *** + +"Immediately after his arrival at Rome," says _The Liverpool Echo_, +"Prince Buelow proceeded to the Villa Malte, his usual residence at +Rome, where he will stay until he takes up his quarters at the +Caffarelli police." Our alleged harsh treatment of aliens fades into +insignificance by the side of this! + + *** + +General Baron VON BISSING, the Governor-General of Belgium, has +informed a German journal that the KAISER has "very specially +commanded him to help the weak and oppressed in Belgium." By whom, we +wonder, are the Belgians being oppressed? + +The same journal announces that General VON DIEDENHOFEN, the commander +at Karlsruhe, has issued a proclamation expressing his "indignation at +the dishonourable conduct" of three German Red-Cross Nurses who have +married wounded French prisoners. It certainly does look like taking +advantage of the poor fellows when they were more or less helpless. + + *** + +We hear that considerable ill-feeling has been caused in certain +quarters of Paris by a thoughtless English newspaper calling the +Germans "the Apaches of Europe." + + *** + +A German critic has been expatiating on the trouble we must have +in feeding an Army with so many different tastes and creeds. +Commenting on this, _The Evening Standard_ says: "This is not a +surprising matter from our point of view, but the German cast-iron +system does not lend itself either in thought or practice to +adaptability." Some people, we believe, imagine the Germans feed, +without exception, on Pickelhauben. + + *** + +A little while ago the Germans were claiming our SHAKSPEARE. We now +hear that a forthcoming production at His Majesty's Theatre has set +them longing, in view of the scarcity of the metal, for our +_Copperfield_. + + *** + +Mr. THOMAS BURT, M.P., Father of the House of Commons, has decided to +resign his seat in Parliament. This does not however mean that the +House will be left an orphan. Another father will be found at once. + + *** + +It is rumoured that, after the War is over, a statue is to be erected +to the Censor at Blankenberghe, in Belgium. + + *** + +A tale from the Front. "The enemy are continuing to fortify the coast, +Sir," said the subaltern. "I don't care if they fiftify it," roared +his commanding officer; "it'll make no difference." This shows the +British spirit. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "BUT YOU AREN'T TALL ENOUGH." + +"WELL, CAN I GO AS A DRUMMER-BOY?" + +"I'M AFRAID YOU'RE TOO OLD FOR THAT." + +"WELL, THEN--DASH IT ALL! I'LL GO AS A MASCOT."] + + * * * * * + +A Sensational Statement. + + "General Smuts stated that there were in the field at the + present time, not including those training, more than ---- + men."--_Daily Telegraph._ + +This is headed "South Africa's Forces," and may have been an actual +piece of news until it reached the Censor. + + * * * * * + +Another Impending Apology. + +We read beneath a photograph in _The Graphic_:-- + + "Miss PAULINE PRIM--the cat in the Aldwych Pantomime, as she + is in real life." + + * * * * * + +The Troubles of Neutrality. + +From a recent Geography Examination paper:-- + + "Holland is a low country: in fact it is such a very low + country that it is no wonder that it is damned all round." + + * * * * * + +A correspondent writes:-- + + "It is to be hoped that nothing further will be heard of these + various proposals to intern the KAISER at St. Helena. One + would have thought that there had been quite sufficient + desecration already of places of historic interest." + + * * * * * + +THE WAR-LORD'S NEW YEAR'S EVE. + + KAISER, what vigil will you keep to-night? + Before the altar will you lay again + Your "shining armour," and renew your plight + To wear it ever clean of stain? + + Or, while your priesthood chants the Hymn of Hate, + Like incense will you lift to God your breath + In praise that you are privileged by fate + To do His little ones to death? + + Will Brother HENRY, knowing well the scene + That saw your cruisers' latest gallant feat, + Kneel at your side, and ask with pious mien + A special blessing on the fleet? + + Will you make "resolutions?"--saying, "Lo! + I will be humble. Though my own bright sword + Has shattered Belgium, yet will I bestow + The credit on a higher Lord. + + "What am I but His minister of doom? + The smoke of burning temples shall ascend, + With none to intercept the savoury fume, + Straight upward to my honoured Friend." + + Or does your heart admit, in hours like these, + God is not mocked with words; His judgment stands; + Nor all the waters of His cleansing seas + Can wash the blood-guilt from your hands? + + Make your account with Him as best you can. + What other hope has this New Year to give? + For outraged earth has laid on you a ban + Not to be lifted while you live. + +O. S. + + * * * * * + +UNWRITTEN LETTERS TO THE KAISER. + +NO. XII. + +(_From the EX-SULTAN OF TURKEY._) + +MY BROTHER,--There are many who in these days gnash their teeth +against you and pursue with malice and reproach the words you utter +and the deeds you perform, so that verily the tempests of the world +beat about your head. It may please you, therefore, to know that there +is one man at least whose affectionate admiration for you has suffered +no decrease, nay, has rather been augmented a hundredfold by the +events of the past half-year. Need I say that I am that man? + +It is true that I have been shorn of my honours and privileges, that I +live in exile as a prisoner and that the vile insulters of fallen +majesty compass me about. I who once dwelt in splendour and issued my +commands to the legions of the faithful am treated with contumely by a +filthy pack of time-servers, and have nothing that I can call my own +except, for the moment, the air that I breathe. Oh, for an hour of the +old liberty and power! It would amuse me to see the faces of ENVER and +of my wretched brother MOHAMMED as I ordered them to execution--them +and their gang of villainous parasites. By the bowstring of my +fathers, but that would be a great and worthy killing! Pardon the fond +day-dreams of a poor and lonely old man whose only crime has been that +he loved his country too well and treated his enemies with a kindness +not to be understood by those black and revengeful hearts. + +I remember that in the old days there were not wanting those who +warned me against you. "Beware," they said, "of the GERMAN EMPEROR. He +will use you for his own purposes, and will then cast you aside like +an orange that has been squeezed." But I paid no heed to their jealous +imaginings, and I had my reward. Not, indeed, that you were able to +save me when the wicked burst upon me and cast me down. The stroke was +too sudden, and you, alas, were too far. But the memory of our +delightful friendship is still with me to sustain and comfort me in my +tribulations. I still have some of the letters in which you poured out +your heart to me, and when melancholy oppresses me I take them from my +breast and read them over and over again. + +It is a joy to me to know that there is a firm alliance between my +brave Turks and your magnanimous soldiers. I doubt not that Allah, the +good old friend of the Turks, will continue to bless you and give you +victory after victory over your enemies. It is no less a joy to learn +how gloriously and how sagaciously you are conducting this war. They +tell me that your ships have bombarded the coast towns of England, and +that five or six hundred of the inhabitants have fallen before your +avenging shells. What matters it that these towns were not fortified +in the strict and stupid sense, and that there were many women and +children amongst those you slew? The towns _were_ fortified in the +sense that they were hostile to your high benevolence, and as for +women and children you need not even dream of excusing yourself to +_me_. These English are no better than Armenians. It is necessary to +extirpate them, and the younger you catch them the less time they have +for devising wickedness against the Chosen of Allah. As for women, +they need hardly be taken into account. In all these matters I know by +your actions that you agree. You must proceed on your noble course +until the last of these infidels is swept away to perdition. + +May I condole with you on the loss of your four ships of war by the +guns of the British Admiral STURDEE? That was, indeed, a cowardly +blow, and it is hard to understand why it was allowed. + +Farewell then, my Brother. Be assured again of the undying friendship +and admiration of the poor exile, + +ABDUL HAMID. + + * * * * * + +KILL OR CURE. + + [_Reports continue to reach us from our brave troops in the + field that they "never felt fitter," are "in the best of + spirits," and so forth._] + + Have you a bronchial cough, or cold, + And is your ailment chronic + Past every sort of cure that's sold? + We'll tell you of a tonic. + Just wing our agents here a wire + And book "A Fortnight Under Teuton Fire." + + Do you admit with anxious mind + Your liver's loss of movement, + And that in consequence you find + Your temper needs improvement? + Then leave awhile your stool or bench + And try our "Month Inside a Flooded Trench." + + Are you a broken nervous wreck, + Run short of red corpuscles, + Painfully scraggy in the neck, + And much in need of muscles? + Come to us now--for now's your chance-- + And take our "Lively Tour Through Northern France." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DISHONOURED. + +CAPTAIN OF THE _EMDEN_. "DIRTY WORK!"] + + * * * * * + +THE REAL HERO OF THE WAR. + +There is an impression about that among the candidates for the +position of real hero of the war KING ALBERT might have a chance; or +even Lord KITCHENER or Sir JOHN FRENCH. But I have my doubts, after +all that I have heard--and I love to hear it and to watch the +different ways in which the tellers narrate it: some so frankly proud, +some just as proud, but trying to conceal their pride. After all that +I have heard I am bound to believe that for the real hero of the war +we must look elsewhere. Not much is printed of this young fellow's +deeds; one gets them chiefly by word of mouth and very largely in club +smoking-rooms. In railway carriages too, and at dinner-parties. These +are the places where the champions most do congregate and hold forth. +And from what they say he is a most gallant and worthy warrior. +Versatile as well, for not only does he fight and bag his Bosch, but +he is wounded and imprisoned. Sometimes he rides a motor cycle, +sometimes he flies, sometimes he has charge of a gun, sometimes he is +doing Red Cross work, and again he helps to bring up the supplies with +the A.S.C. He has been everywhere. He was at Mons and he was at +Cambrai. He marched into Ypres and is rather angry when the Germans +are blamed for shelling the Cloth Hall, because he tells you that +there was a big French gun firmly established behind it, and only by +shelling the building could the enemy hope to destroy that dangerous +piece of ordnance. He saw something of the bombardment of Rheims and +he watched the monitors at work on the Belgian coast. + +And not only does he perform some of the best deeds and often get +rewarded for them, but he is a good medium for news too. He hears +things. He's somewhere about when General ---- says something of the +deepest significance to General ----. He knows men high up in the War +Office. He refers lightly to KITCHENER, and staff officers apparently +tell him many of their secrets. He speaks quite casually and +familiarly of WINSTON and what WINSTON said yesterday, for he often +has the latest Admiralty news too. It was he who had the luck to be in +the passage when Lord FISHER and another Sea Lord executed their +historic waltz on the receipt of the news of STURDEE'S coup. I don't +pretend that he is always as worthy of credence as he was then; for he +has spread some false rumours too. He was, in fact, one of the busiest +eye-witnesses (once or twice removed) of the triumphant progress of +millions of Russians through Scotland and England some months ago. He +is not unaware of the loss of battleships of which nothing has yet +been officially stated. In fact, his unofficial news is terrific and +sometimes must be taken with salt. But denials do not much abash him. +He was prepared for them and can explain them. + +His letters are interesting and cover a vast amount of ground. They +are sometimes very well written, and in differing moods he abuses the +enemy and pities them. He never grumbles but is sometimes perplexed by +overwork in the trenches. He hates having to stand long in water and +has lost more comrades than he likes to think about. One day he was +quite close to General JOFFRE, whom he regards as a sagacious leader, +cautious and far-sighted; another day he was close to Sir JOHN FRENCH, +and nothing could exceed the confidence which his appearance kindled +in him. On the morning of the KING'S arrival at the Front he was +puzzled by the evolutions of our air scouts, who seemed to have gone +mad; but it turned out that they were saluting HIS MAJESTY. Some of +his last letters were from the neighbourhood of Auchy and described +the fighting for the canal. He is a little inconsistent now and then, +and one day says he has more cigarettes than he can smoke, and the +next bewails the steady shortage of tobacco. As to his heroic actions +he is reticent; but we know that many of the finest deeds have been +performed by him. He has saved lives and guns and is in sight of the +V.C. + +And what is his name? Well, I can't say what his name is, because it +is not always the same; but I can tell you how he is always described +by those who relate his adventures, his prowess, his news, his +suspicions and his fears. He is always referred to as "My son." + +"My son," when all is said, is the real hero of the war. + + * * * * * + +It is all very well to warn the British public (naturalised or +otherwise) against supporting and comforting the enemy, but it might +have more effect if those in authority set the example. + + "The British Government declares that in the event of the + Austrian Government being in need of funds, Great Britain is + ready to provide them."--_Japan Chronicle._ + + "King George has sent a warmly-worded telegram of congratulation + to the new Sultan of Turkey."--_Sunday Chronicle._ + +Paragraphs such as these, for instance, do not provide the proper +inspiration. + + * * * * * + + "There are increasing rumours of serious fiction between the + Austrians and the Germans."--_Natal Times._ + +Their _forte_, however, is humorous fiction. + + * * * * * + +R. G. A. + + Over the hills where the grey hills rise + Smoke wreaths climb to the cloudless skies, + White in the glare of the noonday sun, + Climbing in companies, one by one, + From the strong guns, + The long guns, + That wake with break of day + And dutifully drop their shells a dozen miles away. + + Far beneath where our airmen fly, + Slowly the Garrison guns go by, + Breaking through bramble and thorn and gorse, + Towed by engines or dragged by horse, + The great guns, + The late guns, + That slowly rumble up + To enable Messrs. VICKERS to converse with Messrs. KRUPP. + + Garrison cannon is never swift + (Shells are a deuce of a weight to lift); + When they are ready to open shop, + Where they are planted, there they stop, + The grey guns, + The gay guns, + That know what they're about, + To wait at fifteen hundred yards and clear the trenches out. + + 4.7's and 9.4's, + Taking to camping out of doors; + Out of the shelter of steel-built sheds, + Sleeping out in their concrete beds-- + The proud guns, + The loud guns, + Whose echo wakes the hills, + And shakes the tiles and scatters glass on distant window-sills. + + Little cannon of envious mind + May mock at the gunners who come behind; + Let them wait till we've lined our pets + On to the forts and the walls of Metz; + The siege guns, + The liege guns, + The guns to batter down + The barricades and bastions of any German town. + + Though there be others who do good work, + Harassing German, trouncing Turk, + Let us but honour one toast to-day-- + The men and the guns of the R.G.A.! + The vast guns, + The last guns, + When Spring is coming in, + To roll down every Eastern road a-booming to Berlin! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE TEMPTATIONS OF A SOLDIER. + +_Fond Mother (who has just seen her son, a very youthful subaltern, +off to the front)._ "I GOT HIM AWAY FROM HIS FATHER FOR A MOMENT +AND SAID TO HIM, 'DARLING, DON'T GO TOO NEAR THE FIRING-LINE, WILL +YOU?'"] + + * * * * * + +NEW YEAR NOVELTIES. + +THE STRATEGIST'S MUZZLE.--For use in the Home--the Club--the Railway +Train. Fitted with best calf leather gag--easily attached--efficiency +guaranteed, 4_s._ 11_d._ With chloroform attachment for violent cases, +8_s._ 11_d._ BELLOC size, 22_s._ 6_d._ + +Recommended by the Censor. + +THE ALLIES' MUSICAL BOX.--Beautifully decorated in all the national +colours. A boon to organizers of war concerts. Plays all the National +Anthems of the Allies simultaneously, thus allowing the audience to +keep their seats for the bulk of the evening. A blessing to wounded +soldiers and rheumatic subjects. 10_s._ 11_d._ carriage paid. + +THE COIN DETECTOR.--This ingenious little contrivance rings a bell +once when brought within a yard of silver coins and twice when in the +proximity of gold coins. Absolutely indispensable to collectors for +Relief Funds. 2_s._ 11-1/2_d._ post free. + +Testimonial from Lady Isobel Tompkins:-- + +"Since using your invaluable detector in my collecting work I +understand that there has been quite a run on the banks and +post-offices in this neighbourhood for postal orders and the new +notes. With the addition of an indicator of paper-money your machine +would be perfection." + +HAPPY FAMILIES.--The game of the season--with portraits of all our +political leaders. Any four assorted leaders of different views make a +happy family. 10-1/2_d._ + +Mr. KEIR HARDIE says:--"I never knew a more aggravating game." + +GERMAN HAPPY FAMILIES.--Intensely amusing; peals of laughter come from +the table when one asks for Mr. Kayser, the butcher; Mr. Prince, the +looter; Mr. Tirpitz, the pirate, 10-1/2_d._ + +BURKE'S NORMAN BLOOD.--The presentation book of the season. Invaluable +to the newly naturalised. 3_s._ 6_d._ net. + + * * * * * + +From certain Regimental Orders we extract the following:-- + + "There is no objection to the following being written on the + Field Service Post Card: 'A merry Christmas and a happy New + Year.'" + +All the same, the danger of conveying news to the enemy must not be +overlooked. Many German soldiers, we hear, are under the impression +that it is still August, and that they will be in Paris by the +beginning of September. + + * * * * * + + "In the early hours of Wednesday morning, what is supposed to + have been a traction engine when proceeding southward, struck + the west side of the parapet with great force."--_Alnwick + Gazette._ + +When proceeding northward it has more the appearance of a sewing-machine. + + * * * * * + +THE WATCH DOGS. + +X. + +MY DEAR CHARLES,--I write on Christmas Day from a second-grade +Infants' School, the grade referring obviously to the school and not +to the infants. We sit round the old Yule hot-water pipe, and from the +next classroom come the heavenly strains of the gramophone, one of +those veteran but sturdy machines which none of life's rough usages +can completely silence or even shake in its loyal determination to go +on _and keep on going on_ at all costs. Having duly impressed "Good +King Wenceslas" upon us, it is now rendering an emotional waltz, of +which, though now and then it may drop a note or two, it mislays none +of the pathos. + +It was a present to the Mess; intended for our entertainment in the +trenches, though I cannot think who was going to carry it there. The +tune serves to recall the distant past, when we used to wear silk +socks and shining pumps, to glide hither and thither on hard floors, +and talk in the intervals, talk, talk, talk with all the desperate +resource of exhausted heroes who know that they have only to hang on +five more minutes and they are saved. Suppose we had by now been in +those trenches and had been listening to this obstinate old box slowly +but confidently assuring and reassuring us that there is and was and +always will be our one-two-three home in the one-two-three, +one-two-three West! I can see the picture; I can see the tears of +happiness coursing down our weather-beaten cheeks as we say to +ourselves, "Goodness knows, it's uncomfortable enough here, but thank +heaven we aren't in that ball-room anyway." + +In a corner of this room is a bridge-four. The C.O. is sitting in an +authoritative, relentless silence. His tactical dispositions have been +made and they are going to be pushed through to the end, cost what it +may to the enemy or his own side. His partner is Second-Lieutenant +Combes, deviously thinking to himself with all the superior knowledge +of youth, "What rotten dispositions these C.O.'s do make!" but +endeavouring to conceal his feelings by the manipulation of his face +and a more than usually heavy interspersion of "Sirs" in his +conversation. The enemy are ill-assorted allies: Captain Parr, a +dashing player of great courage and very ready tongue, and Lieutenant +Sumners, one of those grim, earnest fighters whom no event however +sudden or stupendous can surprise into speech. This latter is a real +soldier whose life is conducted in every particular on the lines laid +down in military text-books. He asks himself always, "Is it +soldierly?" and never "Is it common-sense?" He is at present in +trouble with his superior officer for having frozen on to his ace of +trumps long after he should have parted with it. But those text-books +say, "Keep your best forces in reserve," and so the little trumps must +needs be put in the firing line first. + +As to the other officers of your acquaintance, each is making merry, +as the season demands, in his own fashion. One is studying, not for +the first time, a map on the wall showing the inner truth of the +currents in the Pacific; another is observing, for his information +and further guidance, the process of manufacture of lead pencils +as illustrated by samples in a glass-case. Others are being more +jovial still; having exhausted the pictures and advertisements of +the sixpenny Society papers, they are now actually reading the +letter-press. The machine-gun officer, as I gather from his +occasional remarks, is asleep as usual. + +And now the gramophone has ceased; but, alas! Captain d'Arcy has +begun--on the piano. As I write, the scheme of communication +between his right and his left flanks has broken down. Like a +prudent officer, he suspends operations, gives the "stand-fast!" and +sends out a cautious patrol to reconnoitre the position. He even cedes +a little of the ground he has gained. Glancing at his music, I must +admit that he is in a dangerous situation, heavily wooded in the +treble, with sudden and sharp elevations and depressions in the bass, +and the possibility of an ambush at every turn. His reconnoitring +party returns; he starts to move forward again with scouts always in +advance. He halts; he advances again and proceeds (for he too is a +trained soldier) by short rushes about five bars at a time.... At +last the situation develops and he pauses to collect all his +available forces and get them well in hand. I can almost hear the +order being passed along the line--"Prepare to charge"--almost +catch the bugle-call as his ten fingers rush forth to the assault, +forth to death or glory, to triumph or utter confusion.... As to what +follows, I have always thought the rally after a charge was an +anticlimax, even when it consists of a rapid "Rule Britannia!" +passing off evenly, without a hitch. + +I find, looking round my fellow-officers, that I have omitted the +final touch, the last stirring detail to complete the picture of the +soldier's hard but eventful life. In the one easy, or easy-ish, chair +sits the Major, that gallant gentleman whose sole but exacting +business in life it is to gallop like the devil into the far distance +when it is rumoured that the battalion will deploy. He sits now at +leisure, but even at leisure he is not at ease: silent, with every +nerve and fibre strained to the utmost tension, he crouches over his +work. He is at his darning; ay, with real wool and a real needle he is +darning his socks. The colour of his work may not be harmonious, but +it is a thorough job; he has done what even few women would do, he has +darned not only the hole in his hosiery but his left hand also. + +As for the men, they have been dealt with by a select body under the +formidable title of the Christmas Festivities Committee. It has +provided each man with a little beer, a lot of turkey and much too +much plum pudding. Having disengaged the birds into their separate +units, it has then left the man to himself for the day, thus showing, +in my opinion, a wise discretion rarely found in committees, even +military committees. + + Yours ever, + HENRY. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Visitor._ "COULD YOU TELL ME WHAT TIME THE TIDE IS UP?" + +_Odd job man._ "WELL, SIR, THEY DO EXPECK 'IGH WATER AT +SIX; BUT THEN YOU KNOW WOT THESE 'ERE RUMOURS ARE NOWADAYS."] + + * * * * * + + "Exchange, charming country parish, North Yorks. Easy distance + sea. Income safe."--_Advt. in "Guardian."_ + +Yes, but what about the rectory? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: GREAT EXPECTATIONS. + +HOW MABEL PICTURED HER BIG BROTHER'S ARRIVAL FOR WEEK-END +LEAVE FROM THE FRONT.] + + * * * * * + +THE RETURN OF THE PRODIGAL. + + I rode into Pincher River on an August afternoon, + The pinto's hoofs on the prairie drumming a drowsy tune, + By the shacks and the Chinks' truck-gardens to the Athabasca + saloon. + + And a bunch of the boys was standing around by the old Scotch + store, + Standing and spitting and swearing by old Macallister's door-- + And the name on their lips was Britain--the word that they spoke was + War. + + War!... Do you think I waited to talk about wrong or right + When I knew my own old country was up to the neck in a fight? + I said, "So long!"--and I beat it--"I'm hitting the trail + to-night." + + I wasn't long at my packing. I hadn't much time to dress, + And the cash I had at disposal was a ten-spot--more or less; + So I didn't wait for my ticket; I booked by the Hoboes' Express. + + I rode the bumpers at night-time; I beat the ties in the day; + Stealing a ride and bumming a ride all of the blooming way, + And--I left the First Contingent drilling at Valcartier! + + I didn't cross in a liner (I hadn't my passage by me!); + I spotted a Liverpool cargo tramp, smelly and greasy and grimy, + And they wanted hands for the voyage, and the old man guessed he'd + try me. + + She kicked like a ballet-dancer or a range-bred bronco mare; + She rolled till her engines rattled; she wallowed, but what did I + care? + It was "Go it, my bucking beauty, if only you take me there!" + + Then came an autumn morning, grey-blue, windy and clear, + And the fields--the little white houses--green and peaceful and + dear, + And the heart inside of me saying, "Take me, Mother, I'm here! + + "Here, for I thought you'd want me; I've brought you all that I + own-- + A lean long lump of a carcass that's mostly muscle and bone, + Six-foot-two in my stockings--weigh-in at fourteen stone. + + "Here, and I hope you'll have me; take me for what I'm worth-- + A chap that's a bit of a waster, come from the ends of the earth + To fight with the best that's in him for the dear old land of his + birth!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Lady in black._ "Our Jim's killed seven Germans--and he'd +never killed _ANYONE_ before he went to France!"] + + * * * * * + +THE PEACE-MAKER. + +The Anonymous War is not to be followed by an Anonymous Peace. I have +Twyerley's own authority for this statement. + +I may go farther and make public the interesting fact that Twyerley +himself has the matter in hand, and readers of _The Daily Booster_ +will at an early date receive precise instructions how and where to +secure Part I. of The History of the Peace before it is out of print. +It is well known that all publications issuing from that Napoleonic +brain are out of print within an hour or two of their appearance, but +Twyerley takes precautions to safeguard readers of _The Booster_ +against any such catastrophic disappointment. + +In approaching the Peace problem at this stage Twyerley is displaying +his customary foresight. The military authorities frustrated +Twyerley's public-spirited attempt to let the readers of _The Booster_ +into the secret of General JOFFRE'S strategy--ruthlessly suppressing +his daily column on The Position at the Front. He has resolved that +the diplomatists shall not repeat the offence; he will be beforehand +with them. + +If Twyerley had been listened to in times of peace there would have +been no war; the fact is undeniable. Since war has come, however, the +danger of a patched-up peace must be avoided at all costs. In order +that there shall be no mistake Twyerley has prepared a map of +Europe-as-it-must-be-and-shall-be or Twyerley and his myriad readers +will know the reason why. (The map is presented gratis with Part I. of +the History and may also be had, varnished and mounted on rollers, for +clubs and military academies.) + +Twyerley at work upon the map is a thrilling spectacle. With his +remorseless scissors he hovers over Germany and Austria in a way that +would make the two KAISERS blench. Snip! away goes Alsace-Lorraine and +a slice of the Palatinate; another snip! and Galicia flutters into the +arms of Russia. + +The History is to be completed in twenty-four parts, if the Allies' +plenipotentiaries possess the capabilities with which Twyerley credits +them; but he has prudently provided for extensions in case of need. + +Anyway, whether the Treaty of Peace be signed in twelve months or +twelve years, the final part of the History will go to press on the +morrow. + +Armed with the History, readers of _The Booster_ will be able to +follow step by step the contest in the council-chamber, when it takes +place. They will be able to paint the large white map with the special +box of colours supplied at a small additional cost. That, as Twyerley +justly observes, is an ideal means of teaching the new geography of +Europe to children. Even the youngest member of a household where the +History is taken regularly will be in a position to say what loss of +territory the KAISERS and Turkey must suffer. (Twyerley had some idea +of running a Prize Competition on these lines but was reluctant to +embarrass the Government.) + +Several entire chapters will be devoted to "Famous Scraps of Paper" +from NEBUCHADNEZZAR to the Treaty of Bucharest. Illustrations of +unique interest have been secured. For instance, the Peace of +Westphalia carries a reproduction of the original document, portraits +and biographies of the signatories, and a statistical table of the +Westphalian ham industry. Similarly, the Treaty of Utrecht is +accompanied by a view of that interesting town and several pages of +original designs for Utrecht velvet. + +Thus, what Twyerley calls "the human interest" is amply catered for. + +The section "International Law for the Million" presents its subject +in a novel tabloid form, as exhaustive as it is entertaining. I know +for a fact that an army of clerks has been engaged at the British +Museum for some weeks looking up the data. + +Following the part which contains concise accounts of every European +nation from the earliest times, comes "Points for Plenipotentiaries," +occupying several entire numbers. Here is where the genius of Twyerley +shines at its brightest, and personally I think that the British +representatives at the Peace Congress should be provided beforehand +with these invaluable pages. With Twyerley at their elbows, so to +speak, they should be equal to the task of checkmating the wily +foreigner. + +I wish the KAISER could see Twyerley scissoring his territory to +shreds! + + * * * * * + +A VOICE IN THE NIGHT. + +I dislike many things--snakes, for example, and German spies, and the +income tax, and cold fat mutton; but even more than any of these I +dislike William Smith. + +As all the world knows, special constables hunt in couples at nights, +a precaution adopted in order that, if either of the two is slain in +the execution of his duty, the other may be in a position to report on +the following morning the exact hour and manner of his decease, thus +satisfying the thirst of the authorities for the latest information, +and relieving his departed companion's relatives of further anxiety in +regard to his fate. + +William Smith is the special constable who hunts with me. As to whom +or what we are hunting, or what we should do to them or they would do +to us if we caught them or they caught us, we are rather vague; but we +endeavour to carry out our duty. Our total bag to date has been one +Royal Mail, and even him we merely let off with a caution. + +Three days ago, by an unfortunate coincidence, William Smith overtook +me at the end of the High Street, just as our sergeant was coming +round the corner in the opposite direction. At sight of the latter we +halted, dropped our parcels in the mud, stiffened to attention and +saluted. The last was a thing we ought not to have done, even allowing +for his leggings, which were (and are still) of a distinctly +upper-military type. But in the special constabulary your sergeant is +a man to be placated. His powers are enormous. He can, if he likes, +spoil your beauty sleep at both ends by detailing you for duty from 12 +to 4 A.M.; or, on the other hand, he can forget you altogether for a +fortnight. Thus we always avoid meeting him if possible; failing that, +we always salute him. + +"Ha!" exclaimed our sergeant. + +We shuddered, and William Smith, who is smaller than myself, tried to +escape his gaze by forming two deep. + +"What the devil are you playing at?" growled our sergeant. Though one +of the more prominent sidesmen at our local church, he has developed +quite the manner of an officer, almost, at times, I like to think, of +a general officer. William Smith formed single rank again. + +Our sergeant took out his notebook. "I'm glad I happened to meet you +two," he said. + +We shivered, but otherwise remained at attention. + +"Let me see," he went on, consulting his list, "you are on together +again to-morrow night at 12." + +It was the last straw. Forgetting his rank, forgetting his leggings, +forgetting the possibilities of his language, forgetting myself, I +spoke. + +"I protest," I said. + +The eyes of our sergeant bulged with wrath, pushing his pince-nez off +his nose and causing them to clatter to the pavement. But a special +constable is a man of more than ordinary courage. "Allow me," I +murmured, and I stooped, picked them up and handed them back to him. + +"Explain yourself," he muttered hoarsely. + +"For the past three months," I said, "I have endured fifty-six of +the darkest hours of the night, cut off from any possibility of +human aid, in the company of William Smith, a conversational +egoist of the lowest and most determined type. Throughout this +period he has inflicted on me atrocities before which those of the +Germans pale into insignificance. During the first month he described +to me in detail the achievements and diseases from birth upwards of +all his children--a revolting record. He next proceeded to deal +exhaustively with the construction and working of his gramophone, +his bathroom geyser, his patent knife-machine and his vacuum +carpet-cleaner; also with his methods of drying wet boots, marking his +under-linen, circumventing the water-rate collector and inducing +fertility in reluctant pullets. This brought us to the middle of +November. Finally, during the last four weeks he has wandered into +the ramifications of his wife's early-Victorian family tree, of +which we are still in the lower branches. + +"I cannot retaliate in kind. I have no children, poultry, pedigree +wives, nor any of the other articles, except boots and shirts, in +which the soul of William Smith rejoices. There is but one remedy open +to me, and of this, unless you detail me for duty with someone else, I +propose to avail myself at the first convenient opportunity. I shall +kill William Smith." + +I stopped and saluted again. + +And then a wonderful thing happened. I discovered that beneath our +sergeant's military leggings there still beat the rudiments of a human +heart. Yes, as I looked at him I saw his softened eyes suffused with +sympathetic tears. + +"My poor fellow!" he said in a broken voice. + +It was too much. I sank to the pavement, saluting as I fell, and knew +no more. When I recovered consciousness in hospital I found in the +pocket of my coat an envelope containing the following: "Promoted to +the rank of corporal and invalided for three weeks, after which you +will take duty with your chauffeur." + +William Smith and I have severed diplomatic relations. It is better +so. + + * * * * * + +REJECTED OFFERINGS. + +MY DEAR _Mr. Punch_,--In these first few days after Christmas many of +your readers are no doubt faced, as we have been, with a problem which +is quite new to them. I hope they took the precaution--as we did--to +write and explain to all likely givers (1) that this was no year for +the exchange of Christmas gifts among grown-up people who have no need +for them; (2) that it was the opinion of all right-thinking persons +that no such gifts should be sent, and (3) that consequently they were +sending none and hoped to receive none. + +That is all right as far as it goes, but the problem remains of what +is to be done with those people who can't be stopped? We have had +several painful instances of this sort. The stuff has arrived, the +usual sort of non-war stuff, some of which must have cost quite a lot +of money, of which it may with truth be said, "your King and Country +need you." How were these things to be dealt with, since we felt that +we could not keep them? + +We found that no general treatment could be applied; we have had to +sort them out into groups, before deflecting them into the proper +courses. + +_Books_ to hospitals. In this case the matron is asked to acknowledge +them direct to the original giver. + +_Smoking Accessories_ (such as the newest pipe-filler and match-striker +and cigarette-case-opener and pouch-unfolder and cigar-holder-grip), +to the nearest male Belgian; and + +_All other portable presents_ to the nearest female Belgian. (These +two classes may be neatly acknowledged in the columns of the _Courier +Belge_.) + +_All larger presents_ (of the motor-car, pianola and sewing-machine +variety) to be sold by auction for the National Relief Fund. Marked +catalogue of the sale to be sent to the giver in proof of their safe +arrival. + + Yours, etc., + AN ORDINARY ENGLISHMAN. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Officer (instructing recruits in signalling)._ "DIDN'T +YOU GET THAT MESSAGE?" + +_Recruit._ "YES, SIR: 'THREE TAUBS AND A ZEPLIN COMIN' OVER THE 'ILL.'" + +_Officer._ "THEN WHY THE DEUCE DIDN'T YOU SEND IT ON?" + +_Recruit._ "WELL, SIR, I COULDN'T 'ARDLY BELIEVE IT."] + + * * * * * + + "The Surveyor reported that the owners of the manure heaps by + the Recreation Ground Tennis Courts had by now been covered + over with seaweed, etc., thus complying with the Council's + wishes."--_Barmouth Advertiser._ + +We hope this will be a lesson to them. + + * * * * * + +The usual formula for beginning a letter is thus neatly rendered by a +Hottentot Boy:-- + + "As I have a line to state just to let you know that I am + still soluberious under the superiority of the Supreme-Being, + hoping to hear the same likewise from you." + +We recommend it very heartily as a good opening for New Year's Eve +correspondence. + + * * * * * + +THE IMPERIAL INFANTICIDE. + + It was a mighty Emperor + Of ancient pedigree + Who said, "The future of our race + Lies on the rolling sea!" + And straightway laboured to fulfil + His royal guarantee. + + And when the Day had dawned, for which + He long had toiled and planned, + Unto his Grand High Admiral + He issued his command: + "Go forth, and smite the enemy + Upon his native strand." + + Sailing by night and veiled in mist, + His swiftest ships of war + Rained death on two defenceless towns + For half an hour or more, + Till they had slain and wounded babes + And women by the score. + + The Fatherland was filled with joy + By this heroic deed; + It gloated o'er the slaughtered babes + Of Albion's hated breed; + And Iron Crosses fell in showers + On those who'd made them bleed. + + But honest neutrals everywhere + Were sickened and dismayed; + The Turk, not squeamish as a rule, + No special glee betrayed; + And even Mr. BERNARD SHAW + Failed to defend the raid! + + Then more in sorrow than in wrath + The EMPEROR made moan: + "Though martyred and misunderstood + I tread my way alone, + At least I have the sympathy + Of God on His high throne." + + Then from the pillar and the cloud + Came accents clear and plain: + "The Massacre of Innocents + Passes the guilt of CAIN; + And those who sin with HEROD earn + His everlasting stain." + + * * * * * + +Two announcements at Hereford:-- + + "Cathedral Service, Sunday, Dec. 13th. + Preacher: Rev. H. M. Spooner. + + Baptist Chapel. + Lecture: 'Slips of Speech and Trips in Type.'" + +"Yes," said the President of New College on his way to the Cathedral, +"I know something about slips of speech, but what _are_ tips in +tripe?" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE NEW ARMY TO THE FRONT.] + + * * * * * + +THE NEXT? + +BOMBARDMENT OF LITTLE SHRIMPINGTON BY THE GERMAN FLEET. + +(_Extract from a Report by the German Admiral._) + +_Battle-cruiser_ "_Von Herod_." + +SIR,--With regard to the recent magnificent and hoch-compelling +exploit of the Imperial Squadron I have the honour to report as +follows:-- + +Our battle-cruisers sighted the strongly-fortified sea-coast town of +Little Shrimpington about 12.45, and at once opened a devastating +fire. A hostile abbey, situated in a commanding position at the cliff +top, and quite unmistakable (as at Whitby), was the first to fall. The +shelling of this edifice, to which I learn that the Christians attach +considerable importance, for some reason that I am unable to +comprehend, cannot fail to produce lively satisfaction among our brave +allies at Constantinople. + +Next turning our guns upon the golf links, in fifteen rounds we put +out of action a nine-hole course for ladies. Much confusion was +observed here amongst the enemy; the presence of troops being proved +by the movement of several bodies in bright scarlet. It is conjectured +from this that the supply of khaki is already exhausted. + +Magnificent execution was done upon the extensive sand castles with +which the foreshore was covered, and for which indeed it is renowned +throughout the island. Our heavy armament was in every case enabled to +demolish these, at the same time slaughtering the children and nurses +responsible for them. It is to be admitted however that at a more +favourable season of the year the execution here, good as it was, +would have been considerably better. + +Altogether some five hundred shells were fired, as recently at +Scarborough, and there can be no doubt that the enemy's casualties, in +women especially, must be very considerable. In addition, he is known +to have lost heavily in bathing-machines, and several super-rowing +boats were seen to sink at their moorings. + +Throughout the action the entire absence of any return fire had a most +heartening effect upon the personnel of the Imperial fleet, who were +thus enabled to work under what may be called conditions ideal to the +German fighting spirit. I cannot refrain from expressing my sense of +how greatly the magnificent result of the action was due to the +patriotic foresight of my chief officer, Fire-direktor Von Ketch, who, +having met with a motor accident when touring in England so lately as +last spring at the gates of Shrimpington Hall, had the good fortune to +be the guest for several weeks of the Frau Squire and her daughters. +Not only was the information thus obtained of the greatest assistance +in the general conduct of the operations, but we were enabled to place +our first six-inch shell exactly on the dining-room of the Hall at an +hour when the occupants were almost certainly assembled for lunch. + +The entire action occupied twenty-five minutes, and concluded with the +approach of the British patrol, when, acting in accordance with the +dictates of Imperial policy, we ran like hares. So satisfactory has +been this glorious and civilian-sanguinary encounter that our brave +fellows are now eager to try conclusions with the bath-chairs of +Bournemouth or the lobster-pots of Llandudno. It is indeed with true +sentiments of fraternal pride that the Imperial Navy is now able to +place the torn fragments of the Hague Convention beside those of the +Treaties so gloriously deleted by our brothers of the Imperial Army. + +I have the honour to be, Sir, etc., etc. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _First Urchin (to Captain who has just bought a new +motor-horn)._ "CARRY YER PARCEL, COLONEL?" + +_Second ditto (in a hoarse whisper)._ "GARN! CAN'T YER SEE 'E'S A +BUGLER?"] + + * * * * * + + "Note.--A kilometre is, roughly, five-fifths of a + mile."--_Newcastle Evening Chronicle._ + +The Press Bureau, while not objecting.... + + * * * * * + +VICTORINE. + +Victorine, our new general, is a Belgian refugee. She was naturally +somewhat broken in spirit on first entering our establishment, but as +the days went by she became happier, and so enterprising and +ingratiating that we hastened to smother in its infancy a shameful +doubt as to whether or not we had introduced into our sympathetic +bosoms a potential viper. Morning, noon and night there was continuous +scrubbing, polishing and beeswaxing; at all moments one was meeting a +pink and breathless Victorine, and the house echoed to an interminable +stream of information in the French tongue. + +At mealtime, the verdict having been duly pronounced on each +successive dish, Victorine would stand by while we ate, and unburden +herself confidentially. 'Mon mari' (Jean Baptiste, a co-refugee who +had searched all London for a place as _valet de chambre_) was lightly +touched upon. Belgium was described in glowing terms, a land of +wonders we had not dreamt of. + +"Miss will not believe me, but when first we arrive in England all the +world cries, 'Oh! regard then the little sheep!' For Mademoiselle must +know that in Belgium the sheep are high and big as that" (Victorine +sketches in the air the dimensions of a good-sized donkey). "Monsieur +mocks himself of me? Monsieur should visit my _pays_ where dwell the +sheep of a bigness and a fatness to rejoice the heart, and whose wool +is of a softness incredible; Monsieur would not then smile thus in his +beard." Victorine assumes an attitude of virtuous indignation, +disturbed by the ringing of the telephone bell. + +"I save myself," she murmurs. + +Through the half-open door we hear as usual only scraps of dialogue, +all on one side, and very unsatisfying. + +"Alloa! J'ecoute! Madame, je ne parle que le francais--hein?" Long +pause. "Alloa! Alloa!" Victorine rattles the instrument impatiently. +"Ah! ca y est! Si Madame desire que j'appelle Miss----? Quel nom? +Hein? Meesus Tsch--arch--kott. Mon Dieu----" + +Victorine lays down the receiver and comes back flushed into the +room. + +"C'est Meesus Arch-tsch-kott qui demande Miss au telephone. She desire +to know if Miss will take the dinner with her. Are they difficult +these English names!" + +But English names are not Victorine's sole difficulty. She wrestles +(mentally) from time to time with the butcher and the baker and the +milkman. The milkman, it seems, is "un peu fou." Victorine greets him +in the mornings in voluble French, and he in return bows elaborately +and pretends to drop the milk. We have watched the process from an +upper window. Victorine takes a step backward, her hand flies to her +heart, and, as she afterwards informs us, "her blood gives but a turn" +at this exhibition of British wit. We have been wondering whether it +would be judicious to teach her to say, "Get along with yer." + +She is very prolific in "ideas," and seems to be chiefly inspired when +engaged in the uncongenial pastime of cleaning the grate. + +"Know you, Miss, that I have an idea, me?" + +"No, really, Victorine." + +"Yes," says Victorine, mournfully shaking her head, "but only an +idea." Victorine lays down her implements and places her hands on her +hips. "If," she says slowly, "this Meesus Schmeet who was with Mr. and +Miss before my arrival was a German spy, hein?" + +"But why, Victorine?" + +Victorine assumes an air of owl-like wisdom. + +"See here," she says, placing the forefinger of one hand on the thumb +of the other, "first she depart to care for the niece who is +suffering--it is generally the mother, but that imports not. Then," +counting along her fingers, "during three months she is absent, and, +thirdly," sinking her voice, "she sends for her _malles_, which +contain doubtless--who knows?--plans of London, designs of the +fortresses, and perhaps a telegraphy without wires--Marconi, what do I +know? Mademoiselle must admit that it has the air droll?" + +We do our best to allay Victorine's anxiety. She however is not at all +convinced, and evidently reserves to herself full liberty of action to +protect us from German espionage and the effects of our own +guilelessness at a later date. + +In the rare moments when not at work she is pensive, but her +imagination is by no means at rest. She gazes languidly out of the +window into "_ce brouillard_," as she fondly calls a slight morning +mist. The sparrows interest her. + +"See, Miss, a sparrow who carries a piece of bread big as a house; is +it then an English sparrow that accomplishes such prodigies?" + +Not quite fathoming the drift of Victorine's meditations we suggest +that it is perhaps a Belgian refugee sparrow, at which her amusement +is so intense that she is obliged to leave the room. + +Sometimes her fancy takes great flights, for she is very high-minded. +Her weekly bath gives rise to much lofty philosophical reflection, and +she has come to the firm conclusion that it is "mieux que manger." +Also she has great taste, of which she occasionally gives us the +benefit. She laughs scornfully at certain _objets d'art_ and praises +others. Ornaments, if they meet with her approval, are arranged in +rigid lines of continuous beauty, less favoured ones being pushed into +the background, and books are disposed with assumed carelessness in +thoughtful postures. Though it is plain she thinks little of our taste +in general, her disapproval is usually silent. It is therefore with +almost choking pride that we receive her praise, though it is often, +we fear, of a disingenuous nature. + +"It is plain that Miss has the eye artistic: that sees itself well in +the new basin she has bought to replace the one that fell by hazard +and burst itself. Monsieur also has the eye straight. In effect the +picture there that Monsieur designs is of a justness, but of a +justness! One would say the place itself," leaning back and half +closing her eyes. "In Belgium could it not be better done. No. It is +I, Victorine, who say it. If Monsieur has the false digestion, by +contrary it is evident that he has the head solid." + +But Victorine has a fault dark and grievous in the British eye. She +jibs at fresh air. + +"Surely Mr., and above all Miss, will take a congestion with the +window grand-open of that fashion? As for me I have the neuralgias to +make fear! Figure to yourself that in the kitchen the three windows +(where one would well suffice, go) if open make to pass a hurricane!" + +A short lecture follows, in which the ill effects of stuffiness are +pointed out, and Victorine is reduced to unconvinced and mutinous +silence. As the days pass a little acquiescence in "cette manie pour +les courants d'air" is visible, but at the slightest approach of cold +every aperture through which air may possibly find its way is +surreptitiously closed, and it is only when she is out with her +husband taking a walk or refreshing the inner man in a "cafe" with "un +peu de stoot" that we can penetrate by stealth into her bedroom and +air it. + +Jean Baptiste is for the moment in disgrace because he has not been to +see Victorine for a week. He is threatened with all sorts of penalties +when he finally decides to present himself. Primarily Victorine is +going to present him with _savon_, which appears in the vernacular to +be the Belgian equivalent for beans. She is also going to wash him the +head. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _First Old Dame._ "WELL, MY DEAR, AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING +FOR THE COUNTRY?" + +_Second ditto._ "I AM KNITTING SOCKS FOR THE TROOPS." + +_First Old Dame (robustly)._ "KNITTING! _I_ AM LEARNING TO SHOOT!"] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +_Sir John Lubbock_, whose Life, by Mr. HORACE HUTCHINSON, MACMILLAN +publishes in two volumes, was one of the most honourable men who +figured in public life during the last half-century. He was also one +of the most widely honoured. Under his name on the title-page of the +book appears a prodigious paragraph in small type enumerating the high +distinctions bestowed upon him by British and foreign literary and +scientific bodies. Forestalling the leisure of a bank-holiday I have +counted the list and find it contains no fewer than fifty-two high +distinctions, one for every week of the year. These were won not by +striking genius or brilliant talent. Sir JOHN LUBBOCK, to preserve a +name which the crowning honour of the peerage did not displace in the +public mind, was by nature and daily habit constitutionally +industrious. After Eton he joined his father's banking business. In +his diary under date Christmas Day, 1852, being the nineteenth year of +his age, he gives an account of how he spends his day. It is too long +to quote, but, beginning by "getting up at half-past six," it includes +steady reading in natural history, poetry, political economy, science, +mathematics and German. Breakfast, luncheon and tea are mentioned in +due course; but there is no reference to dinner or supper. These +functions were doubtless regarded by the young student as frivolous +waste of time. + +I knew LUBBOCK personally during his long membership of the House of +Commons. He had neither grace of diction nor charm of oratory. But he +had a way of getting Bills through all their stages which exceeded the +average attained by more attractive speakers. In his references to +Parliamentary life he mentions that GLADSTONE, when he proposed to +abolish the Income Tax, told him that he intended to meet the +deficiency partly by increase of the death duties. That was a +fundamental principle of the Budget Lord RANDOLPH CHURCHILL prepared +during his brief Chancellorship of the Exchequer. It was left to Sir +WILLIAM HARCOURT to realise the fascinating scheme, later to be +extended by Mr. LLOYD GEORGE. Another of Lord RANDOLPH'S personally +unfulfilled schemes was the introduction of one-pound notes. In a +letter dated 16th December, 1886, he confidentially communicated his +project to LUBBOCK. When his book reaches its second edition Mr. +HUTCHINSON will have an opportunity of correcting a misapprehension +set forth on page 48. He writes that, on June 21st, 1895, "all were +startled by an announcement that Mr. GLADSTONE had resigned and that +Parliament was to be dissolved." The surprise was not unnatural since +Lord ROSEBERY was Prime Minister at this memorable crisis. + + * * * * * + +I can see some good in most people, but none whatever in those +chairmen of meetings who, being put up to introduce distinguished +speakers, thoroughly well worth listening to, feel called upon to +delay matters by making lengthy speeches themselves. I propose to be +quite brief in announcing PROFESSOR STEPHEN LEACOCK on _Arcadian +Adventures with the Idle Rich_ (LANE). Conceive this arch-humourist +let loose, if so rough a term may be applied to so delicate a wit, +among the sordid and fleshly plutocracy of a progressive American +city; imagine his polished satire expending itself on such playful +themes as the running of fashionable churches on strictly commercial +lines, dogma and ritualism being so directed and adapted as to leave +the largest possible dividends on the Special Offertory Cumulative +Stock, and your appetite will be whetted for an intellectual feast of +the most delicious flavour. For myself, I found a certain quiet but +intense delight in the first five stories, episodes in the lives of +individual billionaires; but when I came to the last three, which +dealt with the class as a collective whole, then I became frankly +and noisily hilarious. I am not given to being tiresome in the +reading-room; it is another of the unforgivable offences; but I +defy any man of intelligence to read those chapters and retain even +a fair remnant of self-control. + + * * * * * + +_The Lighter Side of School Life_ (FOULIS) is one of the merriest and +shrewdest books that I have met for a long time. Mr. IAN HAY +pleasantly dedicates his work "to the members of the most responsible, +the least advertised, the worst paid, and the most richly rewarded +profession in the world"; and you will not have turned two pages +before discovering that the writer of them knows pretty thoroughly +what he is writing about. For my own part I claim to have some +experience both of schoolmasters and boys, and I can say at once that +the former at least have seldom been dealt with more faithfully than +by Mr. HAY. His chapter on "Some Form Masters" is a thing of the +purest joy; bitingly true, yet withal of a kindly sympathy with his +victims. One would say that he knows boys as well, were it not for the +conviction that to imagine any kind of understanding of Boydom is (if +my contemporaries will forgive me) the last enchantment of the +middle-aged, and the most fallacious. As for the Educational experts, +he has all the cold and calculated hate for them that is the mark of +experience. I admired especially his treatment of the "craze for +practical teaching," the theory which holds, for example, that, +instead of postulating a fixed relation between the circumference of a +circle and its diameter, a teacher should supply his boys with several +ordinary tin canisters, a piece of string and a ruler, and leave the +form to work out their own result. Decidedly, Mr. HAY has seen _The +Lighter Side of School Life_ with the eye of knowledge; and when I +mention that your own eyes will here encounter a dozen pictures by Mr. +LEWIS BAUMER at his delightful best--well, I suppose, enough said. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "KAISER BACK TO THE FRONT." + +(ATTEMPTED ILLUSTRATION TO A RECENT POSTER OF THE EVENING +PRESS.)] + + * * * * * + +At one time, I hope for ever gone, Mr. PERCY WHITE'S sense of irony +ran away with him. He seemed to have said to himself, "I can write +witty dialogue and I have a shrewd eye for foibles, and if you are not +satisfied with that you can take it or leave it." I for one took it, +but always with a feeling that he was offering me a sparkling wine of +a quality not first-rate, whereas with a little more trouble and +expense he could have offered me an unimpeachable brand. Now that +_Cairo_ (CONSTABLE) has provided me with what I have been waiting for, +I am more than delighted to present my acknowledgments. Mr. WHITE'S +subject is pat to the moment; moreover it is handled with such +unobtrusive skill that one absorbs a serious problem without being +anxiously conscious that all the play of intrigue and adventure is +covering a much deeper motive. When Mr. WHITE sent _Daniel Addington_ +to Egypt to meet _Abdul Sayed_, who had been at Oxford and was a +leader of the Young Egyptian party, he gave himself a chance of which +he has taken full advantage. It is true that _Addington_ cried a pest +on all politics as soon as he fell a victim to the charms of _Ann +Donne_, a widow of excessive sprightliness; but by that time he was +too deeply enmeshed in the nets of intrigue to escape the just reward +of those amateurs who dabble with critical situations. _Abdul_ +regarded him as a "milksop," and so he was from _Abdul's_ full-blooded +point of view; but I can also see in him a fresh testimony to the +courage of our race. For he married the widow _Ann_, and that was a +very plucky thing to do. + + * * * * * + +The only thing that I didn't like about _Molly, My Heart's Delight_ +(SMITH, ELDER) was the title. But to allow yourself to be put off by +this will be to miss one of the pleasantest books of the season. What +I might call true fiction has always held a peculiar charm for me. In +the present work that clever writer, KATHARINE TYNAN, has been lucky +and astute enough to find an ideal heroine, ready made to her +hand, in the person of the charming woman who married DEAN DELANY. +Upon the basis of her diaries and letters the romance has been built +up, with the excellent result of a blend of art and actuality that +is most engaging. _Molly_ is the gayest of creatures in her girlhood. +We see her character develop gradually, tamed and half broken by +her unhappy first marriage (an episode exquisitely treated, so that +even the ugly side of it bears yet some precious jewels of charity +and long-suffering), tried in the fire of romantic adoration, and +finally reaching its appointed destiny in the comradeship with +"kind, tender, faithful D.D." Lovers of diaries and memoirs, +equally with those who like a graceful tale well told, will find what +they want here, from the moment when its heroine goes, a girl-bride, +to the romantically gloomy house of Rhoscrow, to that other moment +when the placid mistress of the Deanery hears of the death of +_Bellamy_, the man whom all her life she really loved. This book of +_Molly_ should be a "heart's delight" to many. + + * * * * * + + "ARIZONA BILL VIOLATES TREATIES."--_New York Times._ + +So does Potsdam BILL. + + * * * * * + +PUNCH IN THE TRENCHES. + +_Mr. Punch_ drew another letter from the heap on his office-desk and +opened it. + +_Polwheedle, Cornwall._ + +DEAR _Mr. Punch_,--An amusing incident happened here yesterday. I was +talking to an old countryman, a great character in the village, and I +happened to make some remark about the War. "What war?" asked old +Jarge. "The European War," I answered in surprise. "Well," he said, +"they've got a fine day for it." I thought this would interest you. + + Yours etc., + JOHN BROWN. + +"Two hundred and eighteen," said _Mr. Punch_ to himself, and took the +next letter from the heap. + +_Wortleberry, Sussex._ + +Mr. William Smith presents his compliments to _Mr. Punch_ and begs to +send him the following dialogue which occurred in this village +yesterday:-- + +_Myself._ "Well, what do you think of the War, Jarge?" + +_Jarge._ "What war?" + +_Myself (surprised)._ "The European War." + +_Jarge._ "They've got a fine day for it, anyhow." + +Mr. Smith thought you would like this. + +"Two hundred and nineteen," said _Mr. Punch_ to himself, "not counting +the South African or Crimean ones." He sighed and selected a third +letter. + +_Sporransprock, Kirkcudbrightshire._ + +DEAR _Mr. Punch_,--How's this? I asked a native what he thought of the +War. On being told which war, he replied, "Eh, mon, ye ken, but +they've got a gran'----" + +At this point _Mr. Punch_ rose from his chair and began to pace the +room restlessly. + +"There must be more in life than this," he said to himself again and +again; "this can't be all." + +He looked at his watch. + +"Yes," he murmured, "that's it. I shall just have time." + +Hastily donning the military overcoat of an Honorary Cornet-Major of +the Bouverie Street Roughriders, he left for the Front. + + * * * * * + +Mud, and then again mud, and then very much more mud. + +"Halt! Who goes there?" "Friend," said _Mr. Punch_ hopefully. "It's +_Mr. Punch_," said a cheerful voice. "Come in." + +The Cornet-Major of the B.S.R. glissaded into the trench and found +himself shaking hands with a very young subaltern of the ----th ----s. +[_Censored._] + +"Thought I recognised you," he said. "Glad to see you out here, Sir." + +"That's really what I came about," said _Mr. Punch_. "I want your +advice." + +"My advice! Good Lord!... Sure you're comfortable there? Now what'll +you have? Cigar or barley-sugar?" _Mr. Punch_ accepted a cigar. + +"We're all for barley-sugar ourselves just now," the subaltern went +on. "Seems kiddish, but there it is." + +_Mr. Punch_ lit his cigar and proceeded to explain himself. + +"I say that I have come to consult you," he began. "It seems strange, +you think. I am seventy-three, and you are----" + +"Twenty-two," said the subaltern. "Next November." + +"And yet Seventy-three comes here to sit at the feet of Twenty-two, +and for every encouraging word that Twenty-two offers him Seventy-three +will say 'Thank you!'" + +"Rats," said Twenty-two for a start. + +"Let me explain," said the Venerable One. "There come moments in the +life of every man when he says suddenly to himself, 'What am I doing? +Is it worth it?'--a moment when the work of which he has for years +been proud seems all at once to be of no value whatever." The +subaltern murmured something. "No, not necessarily indigestion. There +may be other causes. Well, such a moment has just come to me ... and I +wondered." He hesitated, and then added wistfully, "Perhaps you could +say something to help me." + +"The pen," said the subaltern, coughing slightly, "is mightier than +the sword." + +"It is," said the Sage. "I've often said so ... in Peace time." + +The subaltern blushed as he searched his mind for the Historic +Example. + +"Didn't WOLFE say that he would rather have written what's-its-name +than taken Quebec?" he asked hesitatingly. + +"Yes, he did. And for most of his life the poet would have agreed with +him. But, if at the moment when he read of the taking of Quebec you +had asked GRAY, I think he would have changed places with WOLFE very +willingly.... And in Bouverie Street," added _Mr. Punch_, "we read of +the takings of Quebecs almost every day." + +The subaltern was thoughtful for a moment. + +"I'll tell you a true story," he said quietly. "There was a man in +this trench who had his leg shot off. They couldn't get him away till +night, and here he had to wait for the whole of the day.... He stuck +it out.... And what do you think he stuck it out on?" + +"Morphia?" suggested _Mr. Punch_. + +"Partly on morphia, and partly on--something else." + +"Yes?" said _Mr. Punch_ breathlessly. + +"Yes--_you_. He read ... and he laughed ... and by-and-by the night +came." + +A silence came over them both. Then _Mr. Punch_ got up quietly. + +"Good-bye," he said, holding out his hand, "and thank you. That moment +I spoke about seems to have gone." He took a book from under his arm +and placed it in the other's hands. "I generally give this away with +rather a flourish," he confessed. "This time I'll just say, 'Will you +take it?' It's all there; all that I think and hope and dream, and +that you out here are doing.... Good luck to you--and let me help some +more of you to stick it out." + +And with that he returned to Bouverie Street, leaving behind in the +trench his + +[Illustration: One Hundred and Forty-Seventh Volume.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: INDEX] + +Cartoons. + + PARTRIDGE, BERNARD. + At the Post of Honour, 203 + Children's Truce (The), 519 + Chronic Complaint (A), 459 + Eagle Comique (The), 419 + Emergency Exit (The), 11 + Excursionist (The), 379 + Giving the Show Away, 319 + Glorious Example (A), 399 + God (and the Women) our Shield, 223 + Hail! Russia, 243 + Killed, 499 + King at the Front (The), 479 + Masterpiece in the Making (A), 51 + Mutual Service, 131 + New Army to the Front (The), 539 + Pattern of Chivalry (A), 439 + Plain Duty (A), 359 + Resort to the Obvious (A), 91 + Road to Russia (The), 299 + Triumph of "Culture" (The), 185 + Unconquerable, 339 + What of the Dawn?, 111 + World's Enemy (The), 167 + + RAVEN-HILL, L. + At Durazzo-super-Mare, 83 + Beaten on Points, 23 + Carrying on, 431 + Coming of the Cossacks (The), 177 + Cool Stuff, 123 + Dishonoured, 531 + Forewarned, 371 + For Friendship and Honour, 151 + Fulfilment, 511 + Good Hunting, 411 + Greater Game (The), 331 + Great Goth (The), 281 + Great Illusion (The), 263 + His Master's Voice, 391 + India for the King, 215 + Innocent (The), 471 + Joseph Chamberlain, 71 + Limit (The), 351 + Made in Germany, 235 + North Sea Chantey (A), 311 + Political Jungle (The), 40-41 + Power Behind (The), 103 + Sinews of War (The), 491 + To Arms, 195 + Well Met, 161 + When the Ships come Home, 3 + + TOWNSEND, F. H. + Boer and Briton Too, 273 + Bravo, Belgium, 143 + Incorrigibles (The), 291 + Liberal Cave-Men (The), 63 + Men of Few Words, 451 + Nothing Doing, 255 + + * * * * * + +Articles. + + BOYLE, W. P. + In Memory, 280 + + BRIGHTWELL, L. R. + Another Misjudged Alien, 465 + Notes by a War Dog, 385 + + BROWN, C. HILTON + Cottage (The), 138 + Little Brother, 495 + + CALDECOTT, H. S. + Paris Again, 426 + + CAMPBELL, A. Y. + Stick to it, Right Wing, 335 + + CHALMERS, P. R. + At the Tower, 62 + Bees (The), 121 + Fact and Fable, 110 + Fan, 435 + Guns of Verdun, 202 + Infantry, 222 + In the City, 181 + Jules Francois, 315 + Kings from the East, 260 + Kitty Adair, 98 + Lady's Walk (The), 377 + Prima Donna (The), 31 + Southdowns (The), 343 + Steeple (The), 279 + To Limehouse, 251 + Wilhelm, 348 + Wireless, 395 + + COBB, MISS J. + Willow Pattern Plate (The), 503 + + COCHRANE, A. + Sporting Despatch (A), 464 + Tirpitz Touch (The), 242 + + COLLINS, G. H. + To a Super-Patriot, 413 + + CRESWELL, BULKELEY + Rubbing It In, 56 + + DARK, RICHARD + Love's Labour Not Lost, 474 + Voice in the Night (A), 536 + + DAVEY, NORMAN + R.G.A. 536 + + DRENNAN, W. ST. G. + Docthor's War Speech (The), 424 + Tommy Brown, Auctioneer, 466 + Tommy Brown, Patriot, 394 + Tommy Brown, Recruiting Sergeant, 330 + + DUFFIELD, E. N. + Silvern Tongue (The), 268 + + DUFFIN, MISS + Barbara's Birthday Bear, 524 + + ECKERSLEY, ARTHUR + Cutting Down, 268 + New News (The), 179 + Next (The), 541 + Pacificist (The), 238 + + EDEN, MRS. H. P. + Prize (The), 521 + + ELIAS, F. + How Germany Came Off, 194 + How War is "Made in Germany", 163 + Mails for a Mailed Fist, 498 + Sound and Fury, 279 + Why I Don't Enlist, 410 + Works of Kultur, 341 + + EMANUEL, WALTER + Catch (The), 259 + Charivaria, weekly + Nut's Views on the War (A), 306 + + FAY, STANLEY J. + Plea for Pegasus (A), 166 + Price of Patriotism (The), 430 + + FORSTER, R. H. + Food War (A), 259 + + GARVEY, MISS INA + Blanche's Letters, 68, 206, 396 + + GITTINS, H. N. + Double Cure (The), 129 + Exercise 1, 95 + + GLASGOW, MRS. R. + On Earth--Peace, 521 + + GRAHAM, SCOTT + Militant's Tariff (The), 15 + + GRAVES, C. L. + Burgomaster Max, 301 + Father Wilhelm, 397 + Freedom of the Press (The), 483 + Imperial Infanticide (The), 537 + Minor War Games, 501 + New School of Divinity (The), 257 + Passing of the Cow (The), 137 + Super-Sympathy, 239 + To Mr. Bernard Jaw, 430 + Two Germanies (The), 213 + War's Revenges, 464 + Woman at the Fight, 25 + + GRAVES, C. L., AND LUCAS, E. V. + Answers to Correspondents, 171 + Archibong, 382 + As Others Wish to See Us, 381 + Aunt Louisa's Song Scena, 414 + Balm for the Brainless, 16 + Choice (The), 278 + Feline Amenities, 187 + First Blunder (The), 230 + From Another Point of View, 189 + Heroes (The), 209 + Limit of Ignorance (The), 424 + Meditations on Mushrooms, 286 + Mutability, 105 + My Brother's Letter, 326 + My Favourite Paper, 404 + My Hardy Annual, 126 + Our Literary War Lords, 378 + Our Mighty Penmen, 476 + Our Overburdened Heroes, 226 + Oxford in Transition, 82 + Politics at the Zoo, 30 + Progress of Man (The), 106 + Real Hero of the War (The), 532 + Real Reason (The), 361 + Renamed Celebrities, 313 + Santa Claus at the Front, 522 + Surprise (The), 346 + Volumes, 145 + White Man's Burden (The), 355 + + HASELDEN, PERCY + En Passant, 192 + Moon-Pennies, 304 + Searchlights on the Mersey, 478 + To a Pompadour Clock, 269 + + HASTINGS, B. MACDONALD + Keeping in the Limelight, 515 + + HODGKINSON, T. + Benefactor (A), 462 + Diplomacy, 94 + Forlorn Hope (The), 486 + Imports and Exports, 247 + Repatriation, 426 + Silent Charmer (The), 16 + Stable Information, 497 + To a Jaded German Pressman, 306 + Viking Spirit (The), 170 + Wiser Choice (The), 135 + + HUGHES, C. E. + Restorative Power of Music (The), 150 + + JENKINS, ERNEST + Another Innocent Victim of the War, 373 + Our Colossal Arrangements, 107 + Things That Do Not Matter, 321 + + JOHNSTON, ALEC + How Will You Take It?, 219 + News from the Back of the Front, 470 + Private View (The), 165 + + KEIGWIN, R. P. + Casus Belli, 366 + Four Sea Lords (The), 478 + To a Naval Cadet, 266 + + KIDD, ARTHUR + Awakening (The), 287 + Fortune's Favourite, 198 + Kill or Cure, 530 + Our Daily Bread, 308 + Prophets (The), 505 + Strategic Disease, 416 + Tours in Fact and Fancy, 58 + + KINGSLEY-LONG, H. + With High Heart, 343 + + KNOX, E. G. V. + Awakening (The), 87, 433 + Cocoanuts, 127 + Cut Flowers, 122 + Double Life (The), 148 + Error in Arcady (An), 116 + Foiling of "The Blare" (The), 117 + Great Petard (The), 375 + Great Shock (The), 338 + In Darkest Germany, 358 + Jesting of Jane (The), 55 + Kaiser's Hate (The), 415 + Misused Talent (The), 393 + New Noah's Ark (The), 234 + Ode to the Spirit of Wireless Victory, 262 + Peace with Honour, 458 + Progress, 1 + Purple Lie (The), 22 + Saving of Stratford (The), 295 + Scratch Handicap (The), 188 + Tempering the Wind, 65 + Twilight in Regent's Park, 318 + Valhalla, 276 + + LANGLEY, F. O. + Extenuating Circumstance (The), 146 + Helpmeet (The), 304 + Payment in Kind, 66 + Sinecure (The), 82 + Watch Dogs (The), 183, 200, 258, 284, 314, 353, 398, 453, 494, + 534 + + LAWS, A. GORDON + Censor Habit (The), 221 + + LAWRENCE C. E. + As England Expects, 260 + + LEGARD, T. F. + Victorine, 542 + + LEHMANN, R. C. + Amanda, 75 + Compulsion, 98 + Crisis (The), 102 + Determined Island (A), 142, 160, 176 + Diary of a Kaiser, 214 + For the Children, 435 + Khaki Muffler (The), 364 + Ode to John Bradbury, 208 + Packer's Plaint (The), 130 + Search for Paddington (The), 486 + Teeth-Setting, 247 + Unwritten Letters to the Kaiser, 254, 272, 290, 310, 345, 370, + 390, 426, 450, 493, 510, 530 + Walkers (The), 10 + + LETTS, W. M. + Sea Change (A), 301 + + LODGE, ARTHUR A. + Enigma, 6 + + LUCAS, E. V. + Entente in Being (The), 481 + Marne Footnote (A), 504 + Once Upon a Time, 18, 26, 76, 85 + + LUCY, HENRY + Essence of Parliament, Weekly during Session. + "Charlie" Beresford, 401 + + LULHAM, H. + Bob's Way, 259 + + LUMLEY, L. + Guarded Green (The), 78 + My Girl Caddie, 138 + + LYON, MISS L. BOWES + Britain to Belgium, 381 + + MACLAREN, N. + Peacemaker (The), 535 + + MARTIN, N. R. + Doubt, 267 + False Pretences, 355 + Great Campaign (The), 241 + Our Guy, 374 + Recruiting Ballad (A), 443 + Report Fallacious (The), 374 + Terrors of War (The), 484 + Too Much Championship, 69 + War in Acacia Avenue (The), 303 + + MCKAY, HERBERT + Top Slice (The), 108 + + MILNE, A. A. + Armageddon, 128 + At the Play, 210, 222, 246, 286 + Christmas Spirit (The), 516 + Double Mystery (The), 336 + Enchanted Castle (The), 2 + Enter Bingo, 316 + Evangelist (The), 254 + Fatal Gift (The), 198 + First Tee (The), 89 + High Jinks at Happy-Thought Hall, 496 + James Feels Better, 240 + Last Line (The), 275, 293, 356, 416, 476 + Midsummer Madness (A), 28 + Old Order Changes (The), 164 + Patriot (The), 436 + Peace Cigar (The), 376 + Problem of Life (The), 146 + Question of Light (A), 456 + "They Also Serve", 182 + Two Recruiting Sergeants (The), 218 + Warm Half-Hour (A), 62 + + MULGREW, FRANK + Scandalmongrian Romance (A), 7 + + O'CARROLL, T. LOCKE + Archbishop's Apologia (The), 455 + + OGILVIE, W. H. + War Horse of the King (A), 280 + + PHILPOTTS, EDEN + Cannon Fodder, 305 + + PLUMBE, C. CONWAY + Debt of Honour (A), 422 + Home Thoughts from the Trenches, 496 + India: 1784-1914, 296 + + POPE, MISS JESSIE + His First Victory, 217 + Little and Good, 383 + Outpost (The), 239 + Royal Cracksman (A), 338 + + RICHARDSON, R. J. + Lost Season (The), 364 + + RIGBY, REGINALD + Another War Scare, 475 + Arrest (The), 363 + Counting of Chickens (The), 230 + Mark of Distinction (A), 78 + Safeguards, 418 + Suppressed Superman (The), 516 + Unintelligent Anticipation, 334 + + RITTENBERG, MAX + Beats, 322 + Column of Adventure (The), 208 + Mystery of Prince ---- (The), 383 + Old Bulldog Breed (The), 424 + Slump in Crime (The), 342 + Wild and Woolly West End (The), 444 + + SEAMAN, OWEN + Another Scrap of Paper, 290 + At the Play, 96, 246, 286, 302, 344, 434, 506 + Avengers (The), 194 + Between Midnight and Morning, 490 + Call of England (The), 176 + Canute and the Kaiser, 350 + Dies Irae, 160 + Earl Roberts (In Memory), 438 + Egypt in Venice, 5 + For the Red Cross, 214 + Imperial Overture (An), 272 + Joseph Chamberlain (In Memory), 70 + Leaves from an Imperial Note Book, 234 + Old Sea-Rover Speaks (The), 510 + Patriot Under Fire (A), 22 + Probation, 254 + Pro Patria, 142 + Thomas of the Light Heart, 310 + To a False Patriot, 370 + To the Bitter End, 410 + To the Enemy on his Achievement, 330 + To the Neutral Nations, 450 + To the Shirker: A Last Appeal, 390 + Truthful Willie, 470 + Uses of Ocean (The), 102 + War-Lord's New Year's Eve (The), 530 + + SMITH, BERTRAM + Attack on German Trade (The), 197 + Christmas Presents, 1914, 502 + Cure for Cricket (The), 17 + Dispositions, 237 + Inquisition (The), 76 + Interpreters (The), 296 + Nature of a Moratorium (The), 159 + Our Dumb Enemies, 383 + Our National Guests, 406, 444, 502 + Sunday Evening Edition (The), 333 + War Declarations, 220 + War Items, 341 + War Mementoes, 454 + + SMITH, MISS CICELY FOX + Return of the Prodigal (The), 538 + + SMITH, E. B. + Zeitungs and Gazettings, 342 + + SPENDER, MISS BRENDA + Capture (A), 514 + Herbert, 386 + + STERNE, ASHLEY + Arms and the Woman, 250 + Candidate for the Force (A), 199 + Christmas Present for the Queen (A), 483 + Last Bottle (The), 446 + Mnemonics, 136 + My Trousseau, 86 + On Active Service, 156 + Our War Story, 323 + Rash Assumption (A), 473 + Tobacco Plant (A), 405 + Too Much Notice, 526 + + SYMNS, J. M. + Grey Gibbons, 403 + Missionary (The), 115 + + TATHAM, M. + Retrospective, 97 + + THOROLD, R. A. + Opportunists (The), 463 + Price of War (The), 404 + Traitor (The), 315 + + TOMBS, J. S. M. + Love's Labour Well Lost, 108 + Love's Logic, 15 + Professional Attitude (The), 61 + Seasonable Beverage (A), 28 + + TRUSCOTT, PARRY + At the "Plough and Horses", 325 + War and the High Hand, 350 + + WHAITE, M. H. HOYLE + Mr. Punch's War Correspondence, 277 + Tragic Mistake at Potsdam (A), 423 + + WHITE, R. F. + All Liars' Day, 118 + Mr. Punch's Holiday Stories, 134, 154, 169, 190, 210, 228, 248 + New Art(A), 365 + Seaside Song Scena (A), 26 + Unplayed Masterpiece (An), 88 + + * * * * * + +Pictures and Sketches. + + ARMOUR, G. D., 44, 65, 97, 117, 139, 157, 165, 189, 199, 267, 287, + 303, 323, 335, 365, 385, 407, 427, 445, 467, 485, 507, 527, + 537 + + BAUMER, LEWIS, 15, 29, 32, 85, 110, 245, 271, 305, 337, 361, 369, + 453, 478 + + BAYNES, PHILIP, 17, 46 + + BELCHER, GEORGE, 59, 79, 137, 145, 173, 219, 237, 275, 307, 321, + 347, 375, 447, 475, 521 + + BIRD, W., 38, 61, 121, 238, 251, 314, 362, 389, 489, 529 + + BRIAULT, S., 294 + + BRIGHTWELL, L. R., 415, 514 + + BROOK, RICARDO, 284, 309, 384, 402, 409, 494, 528 + + CALOR, T., 374 + + COBB, MISS RUTH, 429 + + CROSS, STANLEY, 278, 414 + + DOWD, J. H., 94, 231 + + FENNING, WILSON, 21 + + FRASER, P., 54, 158, 328, 348, 349, 454, 534 + + GERMAN, DICK, 449, 502 + + GRAVE, CHARLES, 6, 69, 95, 126, 181, 213, 250, 265, 289, 465, 469, + 482, 526 + + HALLIDAY, W., 106 + + HARRISON, C., 38, 46, 159, 241, 302, 306, 522 + + HART, FRANK, 155, 327, 343, 423 + + HASELDEN, W. K., 96, 210, 434, 506 + + HENRY, THOMAS, 508 + + HICKLING, P. B., 115, 301 + + ILLINGWORTH, F. W., 270 + + JENNIS, G., 227, 277, 355 + + KING, GUNNING, 397 + + LEWIN, F. G., 474 + + LLOYD, A. W., 13, 53, 73, 74, 93, 113, 133, 134, 153, 154, 162, 170, + 175, 180, 205, 206, 228, 230, 233, 245, 266 + + LOW, HARRY, 448 + + LUNT, WILMOT, 99, 345, 398, 463 + + MCHUTCHON, F., 220 + + MILES, M., 354 + + MILLS, A. WALLIS, 7, 47, 75, 101, 135, 149, 174, 191, 193, 207, 247, + 259, 285, 317, 333, 363, 382, 394, 425, 455, 495, 538 + + MINNS, B. E., 27, 86 + + MORROW, EDWIN A., 14, 80, 81, 147 + + MORROW, GEORGE, 9, 43, 48, 49, 50, 60, 77, 100, 120, 140, 190, 212, + 232, 252, 288, 308, 325, 387, 401, 428, 435, 468, 488, 498, + 509 + + NORRIS, A., 26, 221, 322 + + PARTRIDGE, BERNARD, 1, 31 + + PATTEN, L., 368 + + PEARS, CHARLES, 129, 269 + + PEGRAM, FRED, 171, 357, 418, 505, 525, 541 + + PETT, NORMAN, 141 + + RAVEN-HILL, L., 36, 107, 166, 187, 209, 257, 358, 383, 515, 518 + + REYNOLDS, FRANK, 211, 261, 279, 395, 487 + + REYNOLDS, PERCY T., 342, 483 + + RHEAD, F. A., 381 + + ROUNTREE, HARRY, 295, 443, 503 + + SHEPARD, E. H., 45, 57, 66, 130, 183, 201, 222, 298, 318, 338, 378, + 417, 517, 543 + + SHEPPERSON, C. A., 10, 34, 35, 90, 109, 184, 202, 249, 262, 280, + 293, 315, 341, 367, 377, 413, 433, 458, 481, 501, 535 + + SIMMONS, GRAHAM, 67 + + SKINNER, H. F. C., 446 + + SMITH, A. T., 19, 30, 55, 87, 114, 127 + + STAMPA, G. L., 37, 119, 169, 192, 229, 242, 253, 297, 329, 388, 405, + 437, 457, 477, 523 + + THOMAS, BERT, 422, 497 + + THORPE, J. H., 403 + + TERRY, STAN, 20 + + TOWNSEND, F. H., 5, 25, 33, 37, 89, 105, 125, 150, 163, 179, 197, + 217, 225, 239, 283, 313, 334, 353, 373, 393, 421, 441, 442, + 461, 473, 493, 513, 533 + + WESTRUP, MISS E. K., 408 + + WILSON, DAVID, 172, 246, 462 + + WOOD, STARR, 188 + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FINIS] + + * * * * * + + + + +Transcriber Notes + +Page 538 was moved to just after page 535, as the Peace-Maker article +clearly begins on page 538 and concludes on page 536. + +Other typographical inconsistencies that have been changed are listed +below. + +Archaic and variable spelling is preserved. + +Editors' punctuation style is preserved. + +Passages in italics indicated by _underscores_. + +Passages in bold indicated by =equal signs=. + + +Transcriber Changes + +The following changes were made to the original text: + + Page 529: Was 'If' (=It= is said that for some time past he + would start nervously) + + Page 542: Added period (for she is very =high-minded.= Her + weekly bath gives rise to) + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +147, December 30, 1914, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 29669.txt or 29669.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/9/6/6/29669/ + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer, +Katherine Ward, and the Online Distributed Proofreading +Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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