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| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 02:47:49 -0700 |
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diff --git a/29568-h/29568-h.htm b/29568-h/29568-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..35d6631 --- /dev/null +++ b/29568-h/29568-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,5104 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" +"http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=iso-8859-1" /> +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of "Charge It", by Irving Bacheller.</title> + +<style type="text/css"> + @media screen { + hr.pb {margin:30px 0; width:100%; border:none;border-top:thin dashed silver;} + .pagenum {display: inline; font-size: x-small; text-align: right; position: absolute; right: 2%; padding: 1px 3px; font-style: normal; font-variant:normal; font-weight:normal; text-decoration: none; background-color: inherit; border:1px solid #eee;} + .pncolor {color: silver;} + } + @media print { + hr.pb {border:none;page-break-after: always;} + .pagenum { display:none; } + } + a {text-decoration: none;} + p.cg {margin-top: 0; margin-bottom: 0; text-align: left !important; width: 101%;} + body {margin-left: 11%; margin-right: 10%;} + td.chalgn {text-align:left; margin-top:0; padding-right:1em;} + .figcenter {margin: 2em auto 2em auto; text-align: center; width: auto;} + .figtag {height: 1px;} + .chsp {margin: auto; text-align: center; padding-top: 2em; padding-bottom: 1em;} + p {margin-top: 0.5em; text-align: justify; margin-bottom: 0.5em;} + hr.toprule {width: 65%; margin-top: 2em; margin-bottom: 2em; border:none; border-bottom:1px solid silver; clear:both;} + p.ralign {text-align: right !important;} + .caption {font-size: 90%; text-align:center;} + table {margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; clear: both;} + span.rindent4 {margin-left: 0; padding-left:0; width: 1.6em; padding-right: 0; margin-right: 0; display: block; float: right;} + .smcap {font-variant: small-caps} + hr.tp {border:none; border-bottom:1px solid black; width:27em;} + h3 {font-size:1.0em;} + h1,h2,h3 {text-align:center; font-weight:normal;} + p.tp {font-size:1em; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0; text-align:center;} + .sc {font-variant:small-caps;} + hr.e5 {border:none; border-bottom:1px solid black; width:5em;} + h1 {font-size:1.4em;} + h2 {font-size:1.2em;} +</style> + +</head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of 'Charge It', by Irving Bacheller + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: 'Charge It' + Keeping Up With Harry + +Author: Irving Bacheller + +Release Date: August 1, 2009 [EBook #29568] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 'CHARGE IT' *** + + + + +Produced by Roger Frank and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<div class='figtag'> +<a name='linki_1' id='linki_1'></a> +</div> +<div class='figcenter'> +<img src='images/illus-cvr.jpg' alt='' title='' width='285' height='400' /><br /> +</div> +<hr class='pb' /> +<div class='figtag'> +<a name='linki_2' id='linki_2'></a> +</div> +<div class='figcenter'> +<img src='images/illus-fpc.jpg' alt='' title='' width='411' height='513' /><br /> +<p class='caption'> +“SHE WISHED ME TO SUGGEST SOMETHING FOR HER TO DO” [See page 56]<br /> +</p> +</div> +<hr class='pb' /> +<hr class='tp' /> +<p class='tp' style='font-size:2.4em;margin-top:10px;'>“CHARGE IT”</p> +<p class='tp' style='margin:5px auto;'>OR</p> +<p class='tp' style='font-size:1.4em;margin-bottom:10px;'>KEEPING UP WITH HARRY</p> +<hr class='tp' /> +<p class='tp' style='font-style:italic;font-size:1.2em;margin-bottom:20px;margin-top:10px;'>A story of fashionable extravagance and of the<br />successful efforts to restrain it made<br />by The Honorable Socrates Potter<br />the genial friend of Lizzie</p> +<p class='tp' >BY</p> +<p class='tp' style='font-size:1.4em;margin-bottom:20px;'>IRVING BACHELLER</p> +<p class='tp' >ILLUSTRATED</p> +<div style='margin:30px auto; text-align:center;'><img alt='emblem' src='images/illus-emb.png' /></div> +<hr class='tp' /> +<p class='tp' style='font-size:1.2em;'>HARPER & BROTHERS PUBLISHERS</p> +<p class='tp' >NEW YORK AND LONDON</p> +<p class='tp' style='font-size:1.2em;'>MCMXII</p> +<hr class='tp' /> +<hr class='pb' /> + +<table summary='booklist' style='border:1px solid black; padding:10px;'> +<tr><td colspan='2'><p class='tp' >Books by</p></td></tr> +<tr><td colspan='2'><p class='tp' style='font-size:1.4em;margin-bottom:10px;'>IRVING BACHELLER</p></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><span class='sc'>Charge It</span>. Ill’d. 12mo</td><td align='right'><i>net</i> $1.00</td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><span class='sc'>Keeping Up With Lizzie</span>. Ill’d. Post 8vo</td><td align='right'><i>net</i> 1.00</td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><span class='sc'>Eben Holden</span>. Ill’d. Post 8vo</td><td align='right'>1.50</td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'> </td><td align='right'>Edition de Luxe 2.00</td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><span class='sc'>Eben Holden’s Last Day A-Fishing</span>. 16mo</td><td align='right'>.50</td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><span class='sc'>Dri and I</span>. Ill’d. Post 8vo</td><td align='right'>1.50</td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><span class='sc'>Darrell of the Blessed Isles</span>. Ill’d. Post 8vo</td><td align='right'>1.50</td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><span class='sc'>Vergilius</span>. Post 8vo</td><td align='right'>1.35</td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><span class='sc'>Silas Strong</span>. Post 8vo</td><td align='right'>1.50</td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><span class='sc'>The Hand-Made Gentleman</span>. Post 8vo</td><td align='right'>1.50</td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><span class='sc'>In Various Moods</span>. Poems. Post 8vo</td><td align='right'><i>net</i> 1.00</td></tr> +<tr><td colspan='2'><hr class='e5' /></td></tr> +<tr><td colspan='2'><p class='tp'>HARPER & BROTHERS, NEW YORK</p></td></tr> +</table> + +<p class='tp' style='font-size:smaller;margin-top:40px;'>COPYRIGHT, 1912. BY HARPER & BROTHERS</p> +<hr class='e5' /> +<p class='tp' style='font-size:smaller;'>PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA<br />PUBLISHED SEPTEMBER, 1912</p> +<p class='tp' style='margin-bottom:20px;'>K-M</p> +<hr class='pb' /> +<p class='tp' >TO MY DEAR FRIEND</p> +<p class='tp' style='font-size:1.2em;letter-spacing:0.2em; margin:5px auto;'>LEDYARD PARK HALE</p> +<p class='tp' >ANOTHER HONEST LAWYER</p> +<hr class='pb' /> +<h3>CONTENTS</h3> +<table border='0' cellpadding='2' cellspacing='0' summary='Contents' style='margin:1em auto;'> +<tr> + <td valign='top' class='chalgn'><span style='font-size:smaller'>CHAP.</span></td> + <td /> + <td valign='top' align='right'><span style='font-size:smaller'>PAGE</span></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td valign='top' class='chalgn'>I.</td> + <td valign='top' align='left' style='padding-right:4em;'><span class='smcap'>In Which Harry Swiftly Passes from One Stage of His Career to Another</span></td> + <td valign='bottom' align='right'><a href='#I_IN_WHICH_HARRY_SWIFTLY_PASSES_FROM_ONE_STAGE_OF_HIS_CAREER_TO_ANOTHER'>1</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td valign='top' class='chalgn'>II.</td> + <td valign='top' align='left' style='padding-right:4em;'><span class='smcap'>Which Begins the Story of the Bishop’s Head</span></td> + <td valign='bottom' align='right'><a href='#II_WHICH_BEGINS_THE_STORY_OF_THE_BISHOPS_HEAD'>11</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td valign='top' class='chalgn'>III.</td> + <td valign='top' align='left' style='padding-right:4em;'><span class='smcap'>Which Is the Story of the Pimpled Queen and the Black Spot</span></td> + <td valign='bottom' align='right'><a href='#III_WHICH_IS_THE_STORY_OF_THE_PIMPLED_QUEEN_AND_THE_BLACK_SPOT'>33</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td valign='top' class='chalgn'>IV.</td> + <td valign='top' align='left' style='padding-right:4em;'><span class='smcap'>In Which Socrates Encounters “New Thought” and Psychological Hair</span></td> + <td valign='bottom' align='right'><a href='#IV_IN_WHICH_SOCRATES_ENCOUNTERS_NEW_THOUGHT_AND_PSYCHOLOGICAL_HAIR'>45</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td valign='top' class='chalgn'>V.</td> + <td valign='top' align='left' style='padding-right:4em;'><span class='smcap'>In Which Socrates Discusses the Over-Production of Talk</span></td> + <td valign='bottom' align='right'><a href='#V_IN_WHICH_SOCRATES_DISCUSSES_THE_OVERPRODUCTION_OF_TALK'>55</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td valign='top' class='chalgn'>VI.</td> + <td valign='top' align='left' style='padding-right:4em;'><span class='smcap'>In Which Betsey Commits an Indiscretion</span></td> + <td valign='bottom' align='right'><a href='#VI_IN_WHICH_BETSEY_COMMITS_AN_INDISCRETION'>69</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td valign='top' class='chalgn'>VII.</td> + <td valign='top' align='left' style='padding-right:4em;'><span class='smcap'>In Which Socrates Attacks the Worst Doers and Best Sellers</span></td> + <td valign='bottom' align='right'><a href='#VII_IN_WHICH_SOCRATES_ATTACKS_THE_WORST_DOERS_AND_BEST_SELLERS'>75</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td valign='top' class='chalgn'>VIII.</td> + <td valign='top' align='left' style='padding-right:4em;'><span class='smcap'>In Which Socrates Attacks the Helmet and the Battle-Ax</span></td> + <td valign='bottom' align='right'><a href='#VIII_IN_WHICH_SOCRATES_ATTACKS_THE_HELMET_AND_THE_BATTLEAX'>84</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td valign='top' class='chalgn'>IX.</td> + <td valign='top' align='left' style='padding-right:4em;'><span class='smcap'>In Which Socrates Increases the Supply of Splendor</span></td> + <td valign='bottom' align='right'><a href='#IX_IN_WHICH_SOCRATES_INCREASES_THE_SUPPLY_OF_SPLENDOR'>91</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td valign='top' class='chalgn'>X.</td> + <td valign='top' align='left' style='padding-right:4em;'><span class='smcap'>In Which Socrates Breaks the Drag and Tandem Monopoly in Pointview</span></td> + <td valign='bottom' align='right'><a href='#X_IN_WHICH_SOCRATES_BREAKS_THE_DRAG_AND_TANDEM_MONOPOLY_IN_POINTVIEW'>99</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td valign='top' class='chalgn'>XI.</td> + <td valign='top' align='left' style='padding-right:4em;'><span class='smcap'>In Which Sundry People Make Great Discoveries</span></td> + <td valign='bottom' align='right'><a href='#XI_IN_WHICH_SUNDRY_PEOPLE_MAKE_GREAT_DISCOVERIES'>106</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td valign='top' class='chalgn'>XII.</td> + <td valign='top' align='left' style='padding-right:4em;'><span class='smcap'>In Which Harry Is Forced to Abandon Swamp Fiction and Like Follies and to Study the Geography and Natives of a Land Unknown to Our Heiristocracy</span></td> + <td valign='bottom' align='right'><a href='#XII_IN_WHICH_HARRY_IS_FORCED_TO_ABANDON_SWAMP_FICTION_AND_LIKE_FOLLIES_AND_TO_STUDY_THE_GEOGRAPHY_AND_NATIVES_OF_A_LAND_UNKNOWN_TO_OUR_HEIRISTOCRACY'>118</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td valign='top' class='chalgn'>XIII.</td> + <td valign='top' align='left' style='padding-right:4em;'><span class='smcap'>In Which the Minister Gets Into Love and Trouble</span></td> + <td valign='bottom' align='right'><a href='#XIII_IN_WHICH_THE_MINISTER_GETS_INTO_LOVE_AND_TROUBLE'>127</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td valign='top' class='chalgn'>XIV.</td> + <td valign='top' align='left' style='padding-right:4em;'><span class='smcap'>In Which Socrates Discovers a New Folly</span></td> + <td valign='bottom' align='right'><a href='#XIV_IN_WHICH_SOCRATES_DISCOVERS_A_NEW_FOLLY'>139</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td valign='top' class='chalgn'>XV.</td> + <td valign='top' align='left' style='padding-right:4em;'><span class='smcap'>In Which Harry Returns to Pointview and Goes to Work</span></td> + <td valign='bottom' align='right'><a href='#XV_IN_WHICH_HARRY_RETURNS_TO_POINTVIEW_AND_GOES_TO_WORK'>148</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td valign='top' class='chalgn'>XVI.</td> + <td valign='top' align='left' style='padding-right:4em;'><span class='smcap'>Which Presents an Incident in Our Campaign Against New New England</span></td> + <td valign='bottom' align='right'><a href='#XVI_WHICH_PRESENTS_AN_INCIDENT_IN_OUR_CAMPAIGN_AGAINST_NEW_NEW_ENGLAND'>171</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td valign='top' class='chalgn'>XVII.</td> + <td valign='top' align='left' style='padding-right:4em;'><span class='smcap'>Which Presents a Decisive Incident in Our Campaign Against Old New England</span></td> + <td valign='bottom' align='right'><a href='#XVII_WHICH_PRESENTS_A_DECISIVE_INCIDENT_IN_OUR_CAMPAIGN_AGAINST_OLD_NEW_ENGLAND'>176</a></td> +</tr> +</table> +<hr class='pb' /> +<h3>ILLUSTRATIONS</h3> +<div style='font-size:smaller'> +<table border='0' cellpadding='2' cellspacing='0' summary='Illustrations' style='margin:1em auto;'> +<col style='width:75%;' /> +<col style='width:25%;' /> +<tr> + <td valign='top' align='left'>“SHE WISHED ME TO SUGGEST SOMETHING FOR HER TO DO”</td> + <td valign='bottom' align='right'><a href='#linki_2'><i>Frontispiece</i></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td valign='top' align='left'>“WHAT DIDN’T THEY SAY? THEY FLEW AT ME LIKE WILDCATS.”</td> + <td valign='bottom' align='right'><a href='#linki_3'>60</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td valign='top' align='left'>“‘IT’S THE VAN ALSTYNE CREST,’ I SAID. ‘IT’S A PROOF OF RESPECTABILITY.’”</td> + <td valign='bottom' align='right'><a href='#linki_4'>86</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td valign='top' align='left'>“RADIANT IN SILK, LACE, DIAMONDS, PEARLS, AND RUBIES”</td> + <td valign='bottom' align='right'><a href='#linki_5'>94</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td valign='top' align='left'>“HARRY’S PET COLLIE HAD COME UP TO THE BACK DOOR WITH A HUMAN SKULL IN HIS MOUTH”</td> + <td valign='bottom' align='right'><a href='#linki_6'>148</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td valign='top' align='left'>“HE LOOKED LIKE A MAN WITH A WOODEN LEG”</td> + <td valign='bottom' align='right'><a href='#linki_7'>188</a></td> +</tr> +</table> +</div> +<hr class='pb' /> +<h2>FOREWORD</h2> +<p>It may interest, if it does not comfort, +the reader to know that this little story +is built upon facts. The ride of Harry, +the hundred-dollar pimple, the psychological +hair, the downfall of Roger, all happened, +while the Bishop’s Head is one of +the possessions of a New England family.</p> +<p class='ralign'>I. B.<span class='rindent4'> </span></p> +<hr class='pb' /> +<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_1' name='page_1'></a>1</span></div> +<h1>“CHARGE IT”</h1> +<div class='chsp'> +<a name='I_IN_WHICH_HARRY_SWIFTLY_PASSES_FROM_ONE_STAGE_OF_HIS_CAREER_TO_ANOTHER' id='I_IN_WHICH_HARRY_SWIFTLY_PASSES_FROM_ONE_STAGE_OF_HIS_CAREER_TO_ANOTHER'></a> +<h2>I</h2> +<h3>IN WHICH HARRY SWIFTLY PASSES FROM ONE STAGE OF HIS CAREER TO ANOTHER</h3> +</div> +<p>“Harry and I were waiting for his +motor-car,” said the Honorable Socrates +Potter. “He couldn’t stand and +wait––that would be losing time––so we +kept busy. Went into the stores and +bought things––violets, candy, golf-balls, +tennis-shoes, new gloves, and neckties. +Harry didn’t need ’em, but he couldn’t +waste any time and––</p> +<p>“‘There’s the car!’</p> +<p>“In each store Harry had used the +magic words, ‘Charge it,’ and passed on.</p> +<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_2' name='page_2'></a>2</span></div> +<p>“We were going over to Chesterville +to settle with the contractor who had built +his father’s house. We had an hour and +four minutes in which to do it all, and then––the +6.03 express for New York. Harry had +to get it to be in time for a bridge party.</p> +<p>“We climbed in. Harry grabbed the +wheel. The gas-lever purred, the gears +clicked, the car jumped into motion and +rushed, screeching, up the hill ahead of us, +shot between a trolley-car and a wagon, +swung around a noisy runabout, scared a +team into the siding, and sped away.</p> +<p>“The town behind us! Country-houses +on either side! A bulldog in the near +perspective! He set himself, made a rush +at us, as if trying to grab a wheel off the +car, and the wheel got him. We flushed a +lot of chickens. The air seemed to be full +of them. Harry waved an apology to the +farmer, as if to say:</p> +<p>“‘Never mind, sir, I’m in a hurry now. +Take my number and charge it.’</p> +<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_3' name='page_3'></a>3</span></div> +<p>“‘He struck a fowl, and, turning, I saw +a whirl of feathers in the air behind us and +the farmer’s fist waving above the dust.</p> +<p>“Harry would have paid for the dog +and the fowl in money but not in time––not +even in a second of time! Harry had +an engagement for a bridge party and must +catch the 6.03 express.</p> +<p>“A man on a bicycle followed by a big +greyhound was just ahead. We screeched. +The man went into the ditch and took a +header. The greyhound didn’t have time +to turn out then. He bent to the oars +until he had gained lead enough to save +himself with a sidelong jump into the +buttercups.</p> +<p>“‘Charge it!’</p> +<p>“The needle on the speedometer wavered +from fifty to fifty-five, then struck at sixty, +held a second there, and passed it. Gnats +and flies hit my face and stung like flying +shot. The top of the road went up in +a swirl of dust behind us. I hung on, with +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_4' name='page_4'></a>4</span> +my life in my trembling hands. We zipped +past teams and motor-cars.</p> +<p>“We filled every eye with dust and every +ear with screeches and every heart with a +swift pang of terror.</p> +<p>“‘Charge it!’</p> +<p>“A rider with a frightened horse raced +on ahead of us to the next corner. We sped +across the track into Chesterville and––</p> +<p>“‘Hold up! There’s the office ahead.’</p> +<p>“The levers move, down goes the brake, +and we’re there.</p> +<p>“‘Eleven miles in fourteen minutes!’ +Harry exclaims, as I spring out and hurry +to the door. It was really sixteen minutes, +but I always allow Harry a slight discount.</p> +<p>“‘Not in!’ I shout, in a second.</p> +<p>“‘Not in––heart of Allah!––where is he?’</p> +<p>“‘At the Wilton job on the point.’</p> +<p>“‘We’ll go get him.’</p> +<p>“‘You go; I’ll wait here.’</p> +<p>“Away he rushes––I thank God for the +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_5' name='page_5'></a>5</span> +brief respite. This high power encourages +great familiarity with the higher powers. +But the Creator’s name is used here in no +light or profane spirit, let me say. In each +case it is only a brief prayer or, rather, the +beginning of a prayer which one has not +time to finish. It is cut short by a new +adventure.</p> +<p>“I say to myself that I shall not ride +back with Harry. No, life is still dear to +me. I will take the trolley. And yet––what +thrilling, Jove-like, superhuman deviltry +it was! I light a cigar and sit down. +Harry and Wilton arrive. Fifteen minutes +gone!</p> +<p>“I get down to business.</p> +<p>“Harry says: ‘Please cut it short.’</p> +<p>“I could have saved five hundred dollars +if I had had time to present our side of the +case with proper deliberation. But Harry +keeps shouting:</p> +<p>“‘Do cut it short. I <i>must</i> get there––don’t +you know?’</p> +<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_6' name='page_6'></a>6</span></div> +<p>“Wilton must have his pay, too––he +needs every cent of it to-morrow.</p> +<p>“‘You go on. I’ll stay here and settle +this matter and go home by the trolley.’</p> +<p>“‘Let’s stick together,’ my young friend +entreats. ‘Please hurry it through and come +on with me. I need you.’</p> +<p>“Harry must have company. His time +is wasted unless he has a spectator––an +audience––a witness––a historian. Without +that, all his hair-breadth escapes would +be thrown away. His stories would hang +by a thread.</p> +<p>“‘We’ve only twenty-one minutes,’ he calls.</p> +<p>“I say to myself: ‘Damn the man whose +money is like water and whose time is +more precious than the last hour of Mahomet.’ +Well, of course, there was plenty +of money, but the supply of time was +limited. To waste a second was to lose +an opportunity for self-indulgence.</p> +<p>“I draw a check and take a hurried +receipt and jump in.</p> +<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_7' name='page_7'></a>7</span></div> +<p>“Away we go. ‘Look out!’</p> +<p>“The brakes grind, and we rise in the air +a little as a small boy crosses our bows. +We just missed him––thank God!</p> +<p>“‘Don’t be reckless, old man––go a bit +slower.’</p> +<p>“‘It’s all right. We’ve a clear road now.’</p> +<p>“What a wind in our faces! There’s +the track ahead.</p> +<p>“‘<i>Look out! The train! God Almighty!</i>’</p> +<p>“I spoke too late. We were almost up +to the rails when I saw it. We couldn’t +stop. Cleared the track in time. Felt +the wind of the engine in my back hair, +and then my scalp moved. Just ahead was +a light buggy in the middle of the road +and a bull, frightened by the cars, galloping +beside it.</p> +<p>“In the excitement Harry hadn’t time to +blow, and the roar of the train had covered +our noise. The bull turned into the ditch +and speeded up. We swerved between bull +and buggy and grazed the side of the latter.</p> +<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_8' name='page_8'></a>8</span></div> +<p>“I jumped and landed on the bull, and that +saved me. It’s the first time that I ever +knocked a bull down. He got to his feet +swiftly beside me, bellowed, and took the +fence. He was a fat, well-fed bull with a +big, round, soft side on him. I never knew +that a bull was so mellow. My feet sank +deep, and he gave way, and I hit him again +with another part of my person. I didn’t +mean it, and felt for him, although it is +likely that his feelings needed no further +help from me. Of course I bounded off +him at last and the earth hit me a hard +upper-cut, but the bull had been a highly +successful shock absorber. In a second +or so I was able to get up and look around. +The buggy had gone over, and the horse +was on his hind legs trying to climb out of +the dust-cloud.</p> +<p>“Harry stopped his car and began to +back up.</p> +<p>“‘That’ll do for me,’ I said. ‘I don’t +sit in your padded cell any longer.’</p> +<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_9' name='page_9'></a>9</span></div> +<p>“I had lived a whole three-volume novel +in the last forty minutes. The Panama +Canal had been finished and England had +become a republic. It was too much.</p> +<p>“We found two men––one at the head of +the frightened horse, the other lying beside +the wrecked buggy with a broken leg.</p> +<p>“And Harry had an engagement to play +bridge!</p> +<p>“I took the horse’s head. The well man +pulled a stake off the fence and chased +Harry around the motor-car. He didn’t +intend to ‘charge it.’ Wanted cash down. +I got hold of his arm and succeeded in +calming him.</p> +<p>“Harry apologized and assured them +that he was willing to pay the damage. +We picked up the injured man and took +him to his home. On the way Harry explained +that they should keep track of all +expenses and:</p> +<p>“‘Charge it.’</p> +<p>“In a few minutes Harry roared off in +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_10' name='page_10'></a>10</span> +the direction of Pointview to get a doctor +and the 6.03 express.</p> +<p>“‘It might be a little late,’ he said, as +he left us.</p> +<p>“The next day Harry was arrested as a +public enemy for criminal carelessness. He +had injured three men on the highways +of Connecticut, to say nothing of dogs +and poultry. Almost everybody had something +charged against Harry. He was highly +unpopular, but a good fellow at heart.</p> +<p>“I got the judge to release him on his +promise to abandon motoring for three years.</p> +<p>“Thus he rushed out of the motor-car stage +of his career into that of the drag and tandem.</p> +<p>“He had had more narrow escapes and +suffered greater perils than Rob Roy.</p> +<p>“Yes, bulls are a good thing––a comparatively +soft thing. I recommend them +to every motorist who may have to look +for a place to land. Don’t ever throw yourself +on the real estate of New England. It +can hit harder than you can.”</p> +<hr class='toprule' /> +<div class='chsp'> +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_11' name='page_11'></a>11</span> +<a name='II_WHICH_BEGINS_THE_STORY_OF_THE_BISHOPS_HEAD' id='II_WHICH_BEGINS_THE_STORY_OF_THE_BISHOPS_HEAD'></a> +<h2>II</h2> +<h3>WHICH BEGINS THE STORY OF THE BISHOP’S HEAD</h3> +</div> +<p>“Harry is the most modern character +in my little museum,” said the Honorable +Socrates Potter, as I sat with him in +his cozy office. “I was really introduced +to Harry by the Bishop of St. Clare, who +died in 1712. I didn’t know his heart +until the Bishop made us acquainted. +Strange! Well, that depends on the point +of view. You see, the Bishop was acquired +and imported as an ancestor by one of the +best families, and that’s how I happened +to meet him. They would have got William +the Conqueror––of England and Fifth +Avenue––if he hadn’t been well hidden.</p> +<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_12' name='page_12'></a>12</span></div> +<p>“I am inclined to converse long and +loudly on the reconstruction of Pointview. +Of course I shall talk too much, but I am +a licensed liar, and the number of my +machine is 4227643720, so if I smash a +dog here and there, make a note of the number +and charge it. I’m going fast and shall +not have time to stop for apologies.</p> +<p>“In Pointview even Time has quickened +his pace. Last year is ancient history. +Lizzie has been succeeded by Miss Elizabeth, +who needs a maid, a chauffeur, a +footman, and a house-party to maintain +her spirits. Harry and his drag have +taken the place of Dan and his runabout.</p> +<p>“The enemy has arrived in force. We are +surrounded by country-houses and city +abdomens of appalling size and arrogance. +Mansions crown the slopes and line the +water-front. The dialect of the lazy Yankee +and his industrious hens are heard +no more in the hills of Pointview. Where +the hoe and the sickle were stirred by the +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_13' name='page_13'></a>13</span> +fear of hunger, the golf-club and the tennis-racket +are moved by the fear of fat. The +sweat of toil is now the perspiration of +exercise. The chatter of society has succeeded +that of the goose and the polliwog. +Land has gone up. Rocks have become +real estate even while they belonged to +Christian Scientists. Ledges, smitten by the +modern Moses, have gushed a stream of +gold. Once the land supported its owner. +Now wealth supports land and landlord +and the fullness thereof. The Fifth Avenue +farmer has begun to raise his own vegetables +at a dollar apiece and a crop of +criminals second to none. In his hands +farming becomes agriculture and the farm +a swarming nest of parasites.</p> +<p>“We are in the midst of a new migration +from the cities back to the land, and all are +happy save the philosophers. It is a remote +reaction of former migrations to the +mines and the oil-fields. The descendants +of these very pioneers now seek to exchange +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_14' name='page_14'></a>14</span> +a part of their gold for the ancient sod in +which are the roots of their family trees and +delusions.</p> +<p>“With these rich men came Henry +Delance, who grew up with me here and +went to Pittsburg in his early twenties and +made a fortune in the coal and iron business. +His grandfather was old Nick Delance, a +blacksmith; and his father owned a farm +on the hills and made a bare living for himself +and a large family. They had been +simple, hard-working, honest people. I +helped Henry to buy the old place, and, as +we stood together on the hilltop, he said +to me:</p> +<p>“‘I often think of the old days that were +full of hard labor. What a woman my +mother was! Did all the work of the house +and raised seven boys and two girls, and +every one of them has had some success +in the world––except me. One built a big +railroad, one was governor of a State, one +a member of Congress, one a noted physician, +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_15' name='page_15'></a>15</span> +two have made millions, and both +of the girls married well. Now, my boy +has had every advantage––’</p> +<p>“‘But poverty,’ I suggested.</p> +<p>“‘But poverty,’ he repeated, ‘and I’m +unable to give him that. It’s probably the +one thing that would make a man of him, +and I wouldn’t wonder if he succeeded in +achieving it.’</p> +<p>“‘A rather large undertaking,’ I said.</p> +<p>“‘Yes, but he’s well qualified,’ Henry +answered, with a smile.</p> +<p>“‘What’s the matter with your boy?’ +I asked.</p> +<p>“‘So busy with tomfoolery––no time for +anything else. I’ve had so much to do +that I’ve rather neglected Harry, and now +he’s too much for me. He knows that he’s +got me beat on education, but that’s only +the beginning of what he knows. Good +fellow, you understand, but he’s young and +thinks me old-fashioned. I wish you’d +help me to make a man of him.’</p> +<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_16' name='page_16'></a>16</span></div> +<p>“‘What can I do?’</p> +<p>“‘Get him interested in some kind of +work. He doesn’t like my business. He +hates Wall Street, and, knowing it as I do, +how can I blame the boy? He doesn’t +take to the law––’</p> +<p>“‘And, knowing it as I do, how can <i>I</i> +blame him?’ I interrupted.</p> +<p>“‘But, somehow, he hasn’t the spring in +his bow that I had––the get-up-and-get––the +disposition to move all hell if necessary.’</p> +<p>“‘You can’t expect it,’ I said. ‘His +mainspring is broken.’</p> +<p>“‘What would you call his mainspring?’ +he asked.</p> +<p>“‘The desire to win money and its power. +Mind you, I wouldn’t call that a high +motive, but in a young man it’s a kind of a +mainspring that sets him a-going and keeps +the works busy until he can get better motive +power. In Harry it’s broken.’</p> +<p>“‘You’re right––it was busted long ago,’ +said Henry Delance.</p> +<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_17' name='page_17'></a>17</span></div> +<p>“‘Some one has got to contrive a new +mainspring for the sons of millionaires––they’re +so plenty these days.’</p> +<p>“‘There’s the desire to be respectable,’ +he suggested.</p> +<p>“‘But it is not nearly so universal as +the love of money. If it were possible to +have millionaire carpenters and shoemakers +there’d be more hope! But I’ll try to +invent a mainspring for Harry. If he doesn’t +marry some fool woman there’s a chance +for the boy––a good chance. Tell me all +about him.’</p> +<p>“In his own way, which amused me a +little, the old man sketched the character +of his son, or rather confessed it.</p> +<p>“‘A kind of Alexander the Great,’ he +said. ‘We shall have to be careful or lose +our heads. Surfeited with power, you know. +When he wants anything he goes to a store +and says, “Charge it.” That has ruined him. +He’s no scale of values in his mind.’</p> +<p>“He told me, then, with some evidence +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_18' name='page_18'></a>18</span> +of alarm, that Harry had become interested +in a fool woman, older than he, noted for +her beauty and equestrian skill––by name +Mrs. Revere-Chalmers, of a well-known +Southern family. I knew the woman––divorced +from a rich old gentleman of great +generosity, who had taken all the blame +for her sake. But I happened to know +that the circumstances on her side were +not creditable. The truth, however, had +been well concealed.</p> +<p>“In her youth Frances Revere had two +beautiful parents. In fact, they were all +that any girl could desire––obedient and +respectful to their youngers. She was always +kind to them and kept them looking +neatly and helped them in their lessons +and brought them up in the fear of Tiffany +and the hope of future happiness. They +played most of the time, but never chased +each other in and out of the bedrooms or +made any noise about the house when she +lay sleeping in the forenoon. Their sense +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_19' name='page_19'></a>19</span> +of chivalry would not have permitted it. +When she arose she called them to her and +patted their heads and said: ‘What dear +parents I have!’ It might be thought that +the fair Frances led an aimless and idle +life. Not so. The young lady was very +busy and never forgot her aim. She was +preparing herself to be a marryer of men +and the leading marryer in the proud city +of her birth. Every member of the household +became her assistant in this noble +industry. Many storekeepers had unconsciously +joined her staff and ‘charged it’ +until they were weary. All her papa’s +money had been invested in the business, +and he began to borrow for a rainy day. +Then there came a long spell of wet weather. +At last something had to be done. Frances +began to use her talents. No prince or +noble duke had come for her, so she married +an old man worth ten million dollars and +sent her parents to an orphan asylum with +a fair allowance of spending-money. They +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_20' name='page_20'></a>20</span> +are her only heirs, and now, at thirty, but +with ample capital, she has set up again +in the marrying business.</p> +<p>“She lives in a big country-house, and has +a lot of cats and dogs that are shampooed +every day. Her life is pretty much devoted +to the regulation of hair. Her own +requires the exclusive attention of a hired +girl. Its tint, luster, and general effect +show excellent taste and close application. +Considering its area, her scalp is +the most remarkable field of industry in +Connecticut. Has herself made into a kind +of life-sized portrait every day and carefully +framed and lighted and hung. It +is a beautiful portrait, but it is not a +portrait of her.</p> +<p>“Her life is arduous. I have some +reason to think that it wearies her. She +rings for the masseuse at 10.30 <span class='smcap'>A.M.</span> and +breakfasts in bed at twelve o’clock. Soon +after that the chiropodist and the manicure +and the hair-dresser begin to saw wood; +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_21' name='page_21'></a>21</span> +then the grooms and second footmen. At +two o’clock she goes out to pat the head of +the ten-thousand-dollar bull and give some +sugar to the horses, all of whom have been +prepared for this ordeal by bathing and +massage.</p> +<p>“It’s great to be able to pat the head of a +ten-thousand-dollar bull. It’s a pretty vanity. +All the Fifth Avenue farmers indulge +in it. Some slap them on the back and some +poke them in the ribs with the point of a +parasol, but the correct thing is to pat +them on the head and say: Dear old Romeo!</p> +<p>“After a turn in the saddle Mrs. Revere-Chalmers +led society until midnight. With +her a new spirit had arrived in the ancient +stronghold of the Yankee.</p> +<p>“I began to learn things about Harry––a +big, blond, handsome youth who had traveled +much. He had been to school in New +York, London, Florence, and Paris, and had +graduated from Harvard. For a time he +called it Hahvud, but passed that trouble +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_22' name='page_22'></a>22</span> +without serious injury and put it behind him. +In the European stage of his career he had +been attacked by lions, griffins, and battle-axes +and had lost some of his red blood. +There he had acquired a full line of Fifth +Avenue dialect and conversation with trills +and grace notes from France and Italy. +He had been slowly recovering from that +trouble for a year or so when I met him. +Now and then a good, strong, native idiom +burst out in his conversation.</p> +<p>“Harry was a man without a country, +having never had a fair chance to acquire +one. He had touched many high and low +places––from the top of the Eiffel Tower +to the lowest depths of the underworld. +Also, he knew the best hotels in Europe and +eastern America, and the Duke of Sutherland +and the Lord Mayor of London, and +Jack Johnson, the pugilist. Harry knew +only the upper and lower ends of life.</p> +<p>“He was an extremist. Also, he was a +prolific and generous liar. He lied not to +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_23' name='page_23'></a>23</span> +deceive, but to entertain. There was a +kind of noble charity in his lying. He +would gladly perjure his soul to speed an +hour for any good friend. His was the +fictional imagination largely exercised in the +cause of human happiness. Now and then +he became the hero of his own lies, but he +was generally willing to divide the honors. +His friends knew not when to believe him, +and he often deceived them when he was +telling the truth.</p> +<p>“Early in April, Henry Delance came to +me and said: ‘Soc, you’ve been working +hard for years, and you need a rest. Let’s +get aboard the next steamer and spend a +fortnight in England.’</p> +<p>“I had little taste for foreign travel, but +Betsey urged me to go, and I went with +Henry and his wife, their daughter Ruth +and the boy Harry, and sundry maids and +valets. We had been a week in London, +when Henry and the Mrs. came into +my room one day, aglow with excitement. +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_24' name='page_24'></a>24</span> +Mrs. Delance was first to address +me.</p> +<p>“‘Mr. Potter, congratulate us,’ said she. +‘We find that Henry is a lineal descendant +of William the Conqueror.’</p> +<p>“‘Henry, it is possible that William +could prove an alibi, or maybe you could,’ +I suggested.</p> +<p>“‘I’d make an effort,’ said he, with a +trace of embarrassment, ‘but my wife +thinks that we had better plead guilty +and let it go. That kind of thing +doesn’t interest me so much as it does her.’</p> +<p>“‘After all,’ I answered, by way of consolation, +‘if you think it’s like to do you +any harm, it doesn’t need to get out. I shall +respect your confidence.’</p> +<p>“‘Too late!’ his wife exclaimed. ‘The +facts have been cabled to America.’</p> +<p>“I was writing letters in my room, next +day, when Harry interrupted me with a +hurried entrance. He locked the door +inside, and in a kind of playful silence +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_25' name='page_25'></a>25</span> +drew from under his rain-coat, and deposited +on my table, a human skull.</p> +<p>“‘The Bishop of St. Clare,’ he whispered, +in that curious dialect which I shall not +try to imitate.</p> +<p>“‘He isn’t looking very well,’ I said, not +knowing what he meant.</p> +<p>“‘This is the Bishop’s head––the Bishop +of St. Clare,’ Harry whispered again. ‘He +was one of our ancestors––by Jove!’</p> +<p>“‘Is that all that was the matter with +him?’ I asked.</p> +<p>“‘No; his epitaph says that he died of a +fever in 1712.’</p> +<p>“‘How did you get hold of his head?’ +I asked. ‘Win it in a raffle?’</p> +<p>“‘I bribed the old verger in the crypt +of St. Mary’s. Offered him two sovereigns +to lift the stone lid and let me look in. He +said he couldn’t do that, but discreetly +withdrew when I put the money in his hand. +It was up to me, don’t you know, and here +is the Bishop’s head.’</p> +<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_26' name='page_26'></a>26</span></div> +<p>“‘Going to have him photographed in a +group of the family?’ I asked.</p> +<p>“‘No, but you see Materna paid two +pounds for a chunk off a tombstone, and I +thought I would give her a souvenir worth +having,’ said he, and blushed for the first +time since our interview had begun. ‘This +is unique.’</p> +<p>“‘And you didn’t think the Bishop +would miss it?’ I suggested.</p> +<p>“‘Not seriously,’ he answered. ‘I guess +it’s a fool thing to have done, but I thought +that I could have some fun with the Bishop’s +head. Mother is going to round up +all the Delances at Christmas for a big +dinner––uncles, aunts, and cousins, you +know––a celebration of our genealogical +discoveries with a great family tree in the +center of the table. The history of the +Delances will be read, and I thought that +I would spring a surprise––tell them that I +had invited our old ancestor, Sir Robert +Delance, Bishop of St. Clare; that, contrary +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_27' name='page_27'></a>27</span> +to my hope, he had accepted, and that +I would presently introduce him. In due +time I would produce the head and read +from his life and writings, which I bought +in a London book-stall. Finally, I thought +that I would have him tell how he happened +to be present. Don’t you think he would +make a hit?’</p> +<p>“‘He would surely make a hit––a resounding +hit,’ I said, ‘but not as a proof of +respectability. Even if the Bishop is your +ancestor, you have no good title to his bones. +I presume that every visitor to the old church +puts his name and address in a register?’</p> +<p>“‘Yes.’</p> +<p>“‘Well, suppose the theft is discovered and +the verger gives you away. All the money +you’ve got wouldn’t keep you out of prison.’</p> +<p>“Harry began to turn pale. He was a +good fellow, but this genealogical frenzy +had turned his head, and his head was +not as old as the Bishop’s. It was unduly +young.</p> +<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_28' name='page_28'></a>28</span></div> +<p>“‘Assume that you get home with your +prize, the Bishop’s head would be the worst +enemy that his descendants ever had. It +would always accuse you and grin at your +follies. And would you dare proclaim the +truth over in Pointview that you really +have the skull of the Bishop of St. Clare?’</p> +<p>“The boy was scared. He had suddenly +discovered an important fact. It was the +north pole of his education.</p> +<p>“‘By Jove! I’m an ass,’ he said. ‘What +shall I do with it?’</p> +<p>“‘Say nothing of the thing to anybody, +not even to your father, and get rid of it.’</p> +<p>“‘That’s what I’ll do,’ he said, as he +wrapped the skull in a piece of newspaper, +hid it under his coat, and left me.</p> +<p>“We sailed next afternoon, and that +evening, when Harry and I sat alone in a +corner of the deck, I asked him what +he had done with the Bishop’s head.</p> +<p>“‘Tried to get rid of it, but couldn’t,’ +he said. ‘My conscience smote me, and I +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_29' name='page_29'></a>29</span> +took the old bone back to St. Mary’s. +Going to do my duty like a man, you see, +but it wouldn’t work. New verger on the +job! I weakened. Then I put it in a box +and had it addressed to a fictitious man in +Bristol, and sent my valet to get it off by +express. It went on, and was returned for a +better address. You see, my valet––officious +ass!––had left his address at the express +office. How <i>gauche</i> of him! While we +were lying at the dock a messenger came to +my state-room with the Bishop’s head. I +had to take it and pay five shillings and a +sixpence for the privilege.’</p> +<p>“‘The old Bishop seems to be quite attached +to his new relative,’ I said.</p> +<p>“‘Yes, but when the deck is deserted, by +and by, I’m going to drop him overboard.’</p> +<p>“And that is what he did––dropped it, +solemnly, from the ship’s side at dinnertime, +and I witnessed the proceeding.</p> +<p>“The adventure had one result that was +rather curious and unexpected. It brought +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_30' name='page_30'></a>30</span> +Harry close to me and established our relations +to each other. That they admitted +me to his confidence as a friend and counselor +of the utmost frankness was on the +whole exceedingly fortunate. From that +time he began to trust me and to distrust +himself.</p> +<p>“So it happened that I was really introduced +to Harry by the Bishop of St. Clare, +who died in 1712, and those credentials +gave me a standing which I could not otherwise +have enjoyed.</p> +<p>“Coming home, I limbered up my imagination +and outlied Harry.</p> +<p>“I was forced to invent that cheerful, +handy liar the late Dr. Godfrey Vogeldam +Guph, Professor of the Romance Languages +in the University of Brague and the intimate +friend of any great man you may be pleased +to mention. With his help I have laid +low even the most authoritative, learned, +and precise liars in the State of Connecticut. +I do it by quoting from his memoirs.</p> +<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_31' name='page_31'></a>31</span></div> +<p>“Harry’s specialty were lies of adventure +in court and palace, and, as Dr. Guph had +known all the crowned heads, he became +an ever-present help in time of trouble.</p> +<p>“Every lie of Harry’s I outdid with +another of ampler proportions. He put +on a little more steam, but I kept abreast +or a length ahead of him. By and by he +broke down and begged for quarter.</p> +<p>“‘On my word as a gentleman,’ said he, +‘that last story I told was true. It really +happened, don’t you know?’</p> +<p>“‘Well, Harry, if you will only notify me +when you propose to tell the truth, I shall be +glad to take your word for it,’ was my answer.</p> +<p>“‘And keep Dr. Guph chained,’ said he.</p> +<p>“‘Exactly, and give you like warning +when I have a lie ready to launch.’</p> +<p>“‘That’s a fair treaty,’ he agreed.</p> +<p>“‘And a good idea,’ I said. ‘As a liar +of long experience I have found it best to +notify all comers what to expect of me when +I see a useful lie in the offing. That has +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_32' name='page_32'></a>32</span> +enabled me to give my fancy full play +without impairing my reputation. My +noblest faculties have had ample exercise +while my word has remained at par.’</p> +<p>“We made an agreement along that line, +and Harry ceased to be a liar, and became a +story-teller of much humor and ingenuity.”</p> +<hr class='toprule' /> +<div class='chsp'> +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_33' name='page_33'></a>33</span> +<a name='III_WHICH_IS_THE_STORY_OF_THE_PIMPLED_QUEEN_AND_THE_BLACK_SPOT' id='III_WHICH_IS_THE_STORY_OF_THE_PIMPLED_QUEEN_AND_THE_BLACK_SPOT'></a> +<h2>III</h2> +<h3>WHICH IS THE STORY OF THE PIMPLED QUEEN AND THE BLACK SPOT</h3> +</div> +<p>“Well, on our return, Mrs. Delance had +a helmet and a battle-ax, with sundry +accessories, emblazoned on her letter-heads +and the doors of her limousine. Here was +another case of charge it, but this time it +was charged against her slender capital +of good sense. Mrs. Delance was a stout +lady of the Dreadnought type. Harry settled +down in the home of his father and +began to study the ‘middle clahsses’ with +a drag and tandem and garments for every +kind of leisure. The girls went to ride with +him, and naturally began to smarten their +dress and accents and to change their estimates. +His ‘aristocratic’ friends and manners +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_34' name='page_34'></a>34</span> +were much in their company and ever +in their dreams.</p> +<p>“Of course, all that began to react on the +young men: if that was the kind of thing +the girls liked, they must try to be in it. +Slowly but surely a Pointview aristocracy +began its line of cleavage and a process of +integration. Crests appeared on the letter-heads +and limousine doors of the newly +rich. In a month or so people of brain +and substance degenerated into a condition +of hardened shameless idiocy.</p> +<p>“Some of our best citizens went abroad, +each to find his place among the descendants +of William the Conqueror. Suddenly I +discovered that the clerk in my office was +ashamed to be seen on the street with a +package in his hands.</p> +<p>“Our young men began to long for wealth +and leisure. They grew impatient of the +old process of thrift and industry. It was +too slow. Many of them opened accounts +in Wall Street.</p> +<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_35' name='page_35'></a>35</span></div> +<p>“Young Roger Daniels had some luck +there and began to advertise the fact with a +small steam-yacht and a cruise. We were +going as hard as ever to keep up, but on +higher levels of aspiration. The girls were +engaged in a strenuous contest for the prize +of Harry’s favor, with that handsome young +<i>divorcée</i> well in the lead.</p> +<p>“Roger and his party were about to return +from their cruise, and Harry was to +give them a ball at the Yacht Club.</p> +<p>“The day before the ball our best known +physician came to see Mrs. Potter, who was +ill, and cheered us up with a story. The +Doctor was young, attractive, and able. +He had threatened every appendix in Pointview, +and had a lot of inside information +about our men and women––especially the +latter. He looked weary.</p> +<p>“‘Yesterday was a little hard on me,’ +he said. ‘It began at four in the morning +with a confinement case and ended at one +<span class='smcap'>A.M.</span> There were two operations at the +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_36' name='page_36'></a>36</span> +hospital, a steady stream at the office, and a +twenty-mile ride over the hills. Got back +in the evening pretty well worn out. +Tumbled into bed at two minutes of eleven, +and was asleep before the clock struck. +The ’phone-bell at my bedside awoke me. +I let it go on for a minute. Hadn’t energy +enough to get up. It rang and rang. +Out I tumbled.</p> +<p>“‘Hello!’ I said.</p> +<p>“‘A voice answered. “I am Mrs. So-and-So’s +butler,” it said. “She wishes to see +you as soon as you can get here. It’s very +urgent.”</p> +<p>“‘“What’s the matter?”</p> +<p>“‘“Don’t know, sir, but it is serious.”</p> +<p>“‘“All right,” I said.</p> +<p>“‘My chauffeur was off for the night, so +I ’phoned to the stable and got Patrick +and told him to hitch up the black mare +at once, dressed, and took everything that +I was likely to need in an emergency, got +into the wagon, and hurried away in the +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_37' name='page_37'></a>37</span> +darkness. After all, I thought, it is something +to have one’s skill so much in request +by the rich and the powerful. It was a +long ride with one horse-power, but we got +there.</p> +<p>“‘Many windows of the great house were +aglow. The first butler met me in the hall +and took me to my lady’s chamber––an +immense room finished in the style of the +First Empire. She was half reclining and +playing solitaire as she smoked a cigarette +on a divan that occupied a dais overhung +with rare tapestries on a side of the room. +The effect of the whole thing was queenly––<i>à +la</i> Récamier. She greeted me wearily +and without rising.</p> +<p>“‘“Sit down,” said she, and I did so.</p> +<p>“‘She turned to a good-looking maid +who timidly stood near the divan.</p> +<p>“‘“My dear little woman, you weary me––please +go,” she said.</p> +<p>“‘The maid went.</p> +<p>“‘“Dawctah,” the lady said to me, “I +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_38' name='page_38'></a>38</span> +have a nahsty little pimple on my right +cheek, and I really cahn’t go to the ball, +you know, unless it is cuahed. Won’t you +kindly––ah––see what can be done?”</p> +<p>“‘“A pimple! God prosper it!” I said to +myself. “Has the great M.D. become a +P.D.––a mere doctor of pimples?”</p> +<p>“‘I inspected the pimple––a very slight +affair.</p> +<p>“‘“Why, if I were you, I’d just cover the +pimple with a little square of court-plaster,” +I said. “It would become you.”</p> +<p>“‘“What a pretty idea! That’s just +what I will do,” she exclaimed.</p> +<p>“‘“Please charge it, Dawctah,” she said, +wearily, as she resumed her solitaire.</p> +<p>“‘I charged a hundred dollars, but +nothing could pay me for the humiliation +I suffered. Going home, I pounded the mare +shamefully.’</p> +<p>“‘You charged a good price,’ I said.</p> +<p>“‘Yes; but it’s like pulling teeth to get +any money out of her. One has to earn it +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_39' name='page_39'></a>39</span> +twice. Worth a million, and hangs everybody +up. Some have to sue.’</p> +<p>“‘Does nothing to-day that can be done +to-morrow,’ I said.</p> +<p>“‘True,’ said he; ‘she don’t look after +her business, and thinks that every one is +trying to cheat her.’</p> +<p>“‘Same old story,’ was my remark. I +was her husband’s lawyer. ‘Well, dear, +how much do you suppose McCrory’s bill +is for the last month?’ he would ask her. +She would look thoughtful and say: ‘Oh, +about fifteen hundred dollars.’ ‘My dear,’ +he would go on, ‘it is ten thousand six +hundred and forty-three dollars and twenty-four +cents.’ ‘Oh, that’s impossible,’ she +would answer. ‘There’s some mistake +about it. I’ll never O.K. such a bill. +It’s an outrage!’ But the bill was always +right.</p> +<p>“‘I didn’t suppose you would know the +lady––I haven’t mentioned her name,’ +said the Doctor.</p> +<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_40' name='page_40'></a>40</span></div> +<p>“‘I know her, but don’t worry––I shall +not betray your confidence. I knew her +husband. It wore him out looking after +the charge-it department. Now she’s trying +to get Harry Delance for his job.’</p> +<p>“‘She’s badly in need of a clerk,’ said the +Doctor, ‘and I hope she gets one. He could +look after the pimples as well as I can.’</p> +<p>“Many were getting ready for the ball, +but this lady was the only one I knew of +who had spent a hundred dollars for facial +improvement. Harry, however, was about +to spend a thousand dollars for the improvement +of his conscience. It was one +of the necessary expenses and it came about +in this way:</p> +<p>“The day of the ball had arrived. Harry +came to see me about noon. He said that +he had been busy all the morning with +preparations for the ball, but––</p> +<p>“He showed me a telegram. It was from +Roger Daniels, and it said:</p> +<p>“‘The recent slump in the market has put +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_41' name='page_41'></a>41</span> +me in hell’s hole. Please wire one thousand +dollars to Bridgeport, where I am hung up. +If you do, I shall give you good collateral +and eternal gratitude. If you don’t, we +shall have to miss the ball. Please remember +that I am waiting at the other end of +the wire like a hungry cat at a mouse-hole.’</p> +<p>“Harry looked worried. The ball must +come off, and, without Roger, it would be +like Hamlet minus the melancholy Dane. +It was a special compliment to Roger.</p> +<p>“‘What do you advise me to do?’ he asked.</p> +<p>“‘Pay it.’</p> +<p>“‘It will probably be a dead loss.’</p> +<p>“‘Probably, but it’s plainly up to you. +He’s got in trouble keeping your pace. To +tell the honest truth, you’re responsible for +it, and the public will charge it to your +account. You must pay the bill or suffer +moral bankruptcy.’</p> +<p>“Harry was taken by surprise.</p> +<p>“‘But I can pay for <i>my</i> folly,’ he said.</p> +<p>“‘Yes; but when it becomes another man’s +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_42' name='page_42'></a>42</span> +folly it’s stolen property, and as much +yours as ever. The goods have your +mark on ’em, and, by and by, they’re dumped +at your door. They may be damaged by +dirt and vermin, but you’ve got to take ’em.</p> +<p>“‘After all, Harry, why should a young +man whose education has cost a hundred +thousand dollars, if a cent, be giving up his +life to folly? You’re too smart to spend the +most of your time looking beautiful––trying +to excite the admiration of women and +the envy of men. That might do in some +of the old countries where the people are as +dumb as cattle and are capable only of the +emotion of awe and need professional +gentlemen to excite it, and to feed upon their +substance. Here the people have their +moments of weakness, but mostly they are +pretty level-headed. They judge men by +what they do, not by what they look like. +The professional gentleman is first an object +of curiosity and then an object of scorn. +He’s not for us. Young man, I knew your +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_43' name='page_43'></a>43</span> +father and your grandfather. I like you +and want you to know that I am speaking +kindly, but you ought to go to work.’</p> +<p>“‘Mr. Potter, he said, ‘upon my word, +sir, I’m going to work one of these days––at +something––I don’t know what.’</p> +<p>“‘The sooner the better,’ I said. ‘Work +is the thing that makes men––nothing else. +In Pointview everybody used to work. +Now here are some facts for your genealogy +that you haven’t discovered. Your grandfather +and grandmother raised a family +of nine children and never had a servant––think +of that. Your grandmother made +clothes for the family and did all the work +of the house. She was a doctor, a nurse, +a teacher, a spinner, a weaver, a knitter, a +sewer, a cook, a washerwoman, a gentle +and tender mother. Now we are beginning +to rot with idleness.</p> +<p>“‘Let me tell you a story of a modern +lady of Pointview.’</p> +<p>“Then I told him of the Doctor’s call +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_44' name='page_44'></a>44</span> +on the pimpled queen at midnight, and +added:</p> +<p>“‘Think of that! Think of the fathomless +depths of vanity and selfishness that +lie under that pimple. It’s a monument +more sublime than the Matterhorn. Think +of the poor fellow that has to marry that +human millstone, and be the clerk of her +charge-it department.’</p> +<p>“‘I can think of no worse luck, really,’ +said he. ‘I wonder who it is!’</p> +<p>“‘Doctors never give names,’ I said. +‘But you might look for the little black +square of court-plaster.”</p> +<p>“‘By Jove!’ he exclaimed. ‘I shall look +with interest.’</p> +<p>“The ball came off, and Roger got there, +and so did the lady and the square of black +court-plaster; and that night Harry began +a new stage in his career.</p> +<p>“After all, Harry was no dunce, but he +was not yet convinced.”</p> +<hr class='toprule' /> +<div class='chsp'> +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_45' name='page_45'></a>45</span> +<a name='IV_IN_WHICH_SOCRATES_ENCOUNTERS_NEW_THOUGHT_AND_PSYCHOLOGICAL_HAIR' id='IV_IN_WHICH_SOCRATES_ENCOUNTERS_NEW_THOUGHT_AND_PSYCHOLOGICAL_HAIR'></a> +<h2>IV</h2> +<h3>IN WHICH SOCRATES ENCOUNTERS “NEW THOUGHT” AND PSYCHOLOGICAL HAIR</h3> +</div> +<p>“When people have little to do they go +back to childishness. They long for +novelty––new playthings, new adventures, +new sensations, new friends. So our upper +classes are utterly restless. Every old +pleasure is a slough of despond. The +ladies have tried jewels, laces, crests, titled +husbands, divorces, gambling, cocktails, +cigarettes, and other branches of exhilaration. +They have passed through the slums +of literature and of the East Side of Gotham. +The gentlemen have shown them the way +and smiled with amusement and gone on +to greater triumphs. To these people +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_46' name='page_46'></a>46</span> +every old idea is ‘bromide.’ It bores them. +They scoff at men ‘who take themselves +seriously.’ In a word, Moses and the +Prophets are so much ‘dope.’ And they +are excellent people who really want to +make the world better, but the childish +craze for novelty is upon them. Mrs. +Revere-Chalmers was one of this kind. +Harry came to me next day at my house +and said:</p> +<p>“‘By Jove! you know, it was my friend +Mrs. R.-C. who wore the black square. +But she is really a charming woman––not at +all a bad sort. I want you to know her +better. She made me promise to bring +you over to-morrow afternoon if you would +come.’</p> +<p>“We went. It was a ‘new-thought’ +tea––a deep, brain-racking, forefinger-on-the-brow +function. You could see the +thoughts of the ladies and sometimes hear +them as a ‘professor’ with long hair and +smiles of fathomless inspiration wrapped +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_47' name='page_47'></a>47</span> +himself in obscurity and called unto them +out of the depths. He was all depth. They +gazed at his soulful eyes and plunged into +deep thought, catching at straws, and he +returned to New York by the next train +and probably made another payment, on +account, to his landlady. Tea and conversation +followed his departure.</p> +<p>“I had observed that Mrs. Revere-Chalmers +had undergone a singular change +of aspect, but failed to locate the point of +difference until a sister had said to her in a +tone of honeyed deviltry:</p> +<p>“‘My dear, you are growing younger––quite +surely younger, and your hair is so +lovely and so––different! You know what +I mean––it has the luster of youth, and the +shade is adorable without a trace of gray +in it.’</p> +<p>“This last phrase was the point of the +dagger, and Mrs. Chalmers felt it. Sure +enough, her hair had changed its hue, and +was undeniably fuller and younger.</p> +<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_48' name='page_48'></a>48</span></div> +<p>“Then our hostess gave out a confession +which has made some history and is fully +qualified to make more. It is a curious +fact that one who is abnormal enough to +commit a crime is apt to have poor caution.</p> +<p>“‘I have been taking lessons of the Professor, +and have produced this hair by concentration,’ +said she. ‘It is a creation of the +new thought and so wonderful I could +almost forgive one for not believing me.’</p> +<p>“‘A gem of thought––a hair poem!’ +I could not help exclaiming. ‘Did it come +all at once, in a flood of inspiration, or hair +by hair?’</p> +<p>“‘All at once,’ she answered.</p> +<p>“I charged it and went on as if nothing +great had happened.</p> +<p>“‘Considered as a work of the imagination, +it is wonderful, and should rank with +the best of Shakespeare’s,’ I assured her. +‘But it will subject you to unsuspected +perils, for your footstool will be the shrine +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_49' name='page_49'></a>49</span> +of the hairless and you shall see the top of +every bald head in America.’</p> +<p>“Another lady sprang to her assistance +by telling how she had extracted a pearl +necklace from an unwilling husband who +had said that he couldn’t afford it, by concentration. +The new thought had fetched him.</p> +<p>“The noble unselfishness with which they +had used this miraculous gift of the spirit +appealed to Harry and to me.</p> +<p>“In that brilliant company was a slim +woman of the armored cruiser type, who had +come to Betsey one day and said:</p> +<p>“‘You’re spoiling your husband. You +make too much of him. You don’t seem +to know how to manage a husband, and the +husbands of Pointview are being ruined by +your example. They expect too much of +us. We women have got to stand together. +Don’t you read the <i>Female Gazette</i>?’</p> +<p>“‘No––I have been waiting till I could +get a rubber-plant and other accessories,’ +said Betsey.</p> +<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_50' name='page_50'></a>50</span></div> +<p>“‘Well, it may not be <i>en règle</i>, but it +is full of good sense,’ said the lady. ‘I’ve +brought an article with me that I wish you +would read.’</p> +<p>“She left the article, and its title was +‘How to Manage a Husband.’ It averred +that too much petting, too much indulgence, +made a man selfish and conceited; +that affection should be administered with +scientific reserve. Men should be taught +to wait on themselves, and all that.</p> +<p>“They called on me for remarks, and I +said:</p> +<p>“‘I am glad to have become acquainted +with the power of concentration. I propose +that we all quit work and begin to +concentrate. Matter is only a creation +of spirit. Let us exercise our several +sovereign spirits and try to turn out a +better line of matter. Let us have fewer +rocks and stones and more comforts. +Sweat and toil are a great mistake. Let us +turn Delance’s Hill into plum-pudding and +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_51' name='page_51'></a>51</span> +the stones thereof into caramels and its pond +into tomato-soup. Why not? They have +no reality, no substance. They are nothing +but thoughts––and our thoughts, at that––and +why shouldn’t we change ’em? But +somehow we can’t fetch it. According +to the Professor, we have got into the +habit of thinking in terms of rock, soil, and +water, and we can’t get over it. There are +some few of us who stand for better things; +but the majority keep thinking in the old +rut, and we can’t sway them. The Professor +says that all we need is to get together +and agree and then concentrate. +But agreement doesn’t seem to be necessary. +You know that there was a time when +everybody, after much concentration, agreed +that the world was flat––everybody but one +man. Now the world was stubborn. It +wouldn’t give up. It hung on to its roundness, +and let the people think what they +pleased. They tried to flatten it with +countless tons of concentration, but it +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_52' name='page_52'></a>52</span> +held its shape. The one man had his way +about it. So don’t be discouraged by an +adverse majority on this plum-pudding +project. One lady has shown us a sample +of concentrated hair, and it looks good to +me. Why all this striving, all this trouble +about the problems of life and death, when +the straight, broad way of concentration +is open to us? Why shouldn’t we have +concentrated bread and meat and shoes and +socks and silks.</p> +<p>“‘Now the subject of concentration is +by no means new. It has been a success +for centuries. The late Dr. Guph tells in +his memoirs of a singular race of people +known as the Flub Dubs who once dwelt +on the lost isle of Atlantis. They were the +greatest concentrators that ever lived. +Every one thought that he was the greatest +man in the world, and thought it so hard +and so persistently that it came true––in a +way. Naturally they aimed high, and every +man thought himself the rightful king, and +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_53' name='page_53'></a>53</span> +a strife arose over the crown, so that no one +could wear it and many were slain in a great +tussle. And when they were resting from +their struggles one rose and said: “Kings +of the realm, you are as the dust under my +feet. I scorn you. A few minutes ago +I decided to reverse my concentrator and +aim at a higher goal. It was easy of attainment. +I have suddenly become the +biggest fool on this island and the humblest +of all men.”</p> +<p>“‘The announcement was greeted with +great applause, and within three minutes +his popularity had so enhanced that they +put him on the throne. Such was the power +of truth. And all confessed and joined his +party, and he was known as the wisest +king of the Flub Dubs.</p> +<p>“‘The moral that Dr. Guph adduces is this: +You cannot make figs out of thistles, and +unregulated concentration leads to trouble.’</p> +<p>“Harry and I started for home in a deep +silence.</p> +<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_54' name='page_54'></a>54</span></div> +<p>“‘Hell!’ I exclaimed, presently.</p> +<p>“‘And that reminds me that I feel like +the king of the Flub Dubs,’ said Harry.</p> +<p>“‘Which indicates that you are likely +to decline the office,’ I remarked.</p> +<p>“‘It’s serious business––this matter of +finding a wife,’ he declared.</p> +<p>“‘What’s the matter with Marie Benson?’ +I asked. ‘There’s a real woman and the +best-looking girl in Connecticut.’</p> +<p>“‘Charming girl!’ he exclaimed. ‘But, +dear boy! she talks too much.’</p> +<p>“‘That is a fault that could be remedied; +and, after all, it’s a kind of generosity. It’s +the very opposite of concentration.’</p> +<p>“‘Ah––if she would only reform!’ he +said.</p> +<p>“‘Leave that to me,’ I answered, as he +dropped me at my door.”</p> +<hr class='toprule' /> +<div class='chsp'> +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_55' name='page_55'></a>55</span> +<a name='V_IN_WHICH_SOCRATES_DISCUSSES_THE_OVERPRODUCTION_OF_TALK' id='V_IN_WHICH_SOCRATES_DISCUSSES_THE_OVERPRODUCTION_OF_TALK'></a> +<h2>V</h2> +<h3>IN WHICH SOCRATES DISCUSSES THE OVER-PRODUCTION OF TALK</h3> +</div> +<p>“Marie was my ward, and as pretty a +girl as ever led a bulldog or ate a +box of chocolates at a sitting. She was a +charming fish-hook, baited with beauty and +wealth and culture and remarkable innocence. +She had dangled about on mama’s +rod and line for a year or so, but the fish +wouldn’t bite. For that reason I grabbed +the rod from the old lady and put on a bait +of silence and a sinker, and moved to deep +water and began to do business.</p> +<p>“Marie had a failing, for which, I am +sorry to say, she was in no way distinguished. +She talked too much, as Harry +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_56' name='page_56'></a>56</span> +had said. There are too many American +women who talk too much. Marie’s mother +used to talk about six-thirds of the time. +You had to hear it, and then you had to +get over it. She had a way of spiking the +shoes of Time so that every hour felt like +a month while it was running over you. +You ought to have seen her climb the +family tree or the sturdy old chestnut of her +own experience and shake down the fruit! +Marie had one more tree in her orchard. +She had added the spreading peach of a +liberal education to the deadly upas of +Benson genealogy and the sturdy old chestnut +of mama’s experience. The <i>vox Bensonorum</i> +was as familiar as the Congregational +bell. The supply of it exceeded +the demand, and after every one was +loaded and ready to cast off, the barrels +came rolling down the chute.</p> +<p>“The next time I saw Marie she was a +bit cast down. She wished me to suggest +something for her to do. Said she wanted +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_57' name='page_57'></a>57</span> +a mission––a chance to do some good in +the world. Thought she’d enjoy being a +nurse. I felt sorry for the girl, and suddenly +I saw the flicker of a brilliant +thought.</p> +<p>“‘Marie,’ I said, ‘as a member of The +Society of Useful Women you are under +a serious obligation, and you have taste +for missionary work. Well, what’s the +matter with beginning on Nancy Doolittle? +You owe her a duty and ought +to have the courage––nay, the kindness––to +perform it. Nancy talks too much.’</p> +<p>“‘Well, I should say so,’ said Marie. +‘Nancy is a scourge––I have often thought +of it.’</p> +<p>“‘She’s downright wasteful,’ I went on. +‘She fills every hour with information, and +then throws on some more. It keeps +coming. Your seams open, and then it’s +every hand to the pumps! Dora Perkins +and Rebecca Ford are just as extravagant. +They toss out gems of thought and chunks +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_58' name='page_58'></a>58</span> +of knowledge as if they were as common as +caramels.</p> +<p>“‘You should go to these girls and kindly +but firmly remind them of this fault. +Tell them that too much conversation +has created more old maids and grass +and parlor widows than any other cause. +Give them a little lecture on the old law +of supply and demand. Show them that +it applies to conversation as well as to +cabbages––that if one’s talk is too plentiful, +it becomes very cheap. Suggest that +if Methuselah had lived until now and +witnessed all the adventures of the human +race, he couldn’t afford to waste +his knowledge. If he talked only half the +time nobody would believe him. They’d +think he was crazy, and they’d know why, +in past ages, everybody had died but him, +and they’d wonder how he had managed +to survive the invention of gunpowder. +These girls have overestimated the value +of good-will. Their securities are not well +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_59' name='page_59'></a>59</span> +secured. There are millions of watered +stock in their treasuries, and it isn’t worth +five cents on the dollar. Marie, you can +have a lot of fun. I almost envy you.</p> +<p>“‘Tell these girls that the remedy is +simple. They must be careful to regulate +the supply to the demand. They could +easily raise the price above par by denying +now and then that they have any conversation +in the treasury.’</p> +<p>“Marie promised to undertake this important +work, and I knew that in connection +with it she would also get some valuable +advice.</p> +<p>“You see, this tendency to extravagant +display has sunk in very deep. Our +young people really do know a lot, and +they want others to know that they know +it. They are plumed with culture, and it +has become a charge instead of a credit.</p> +<p>“Well, things began to mend. Betsey +and I went to dine with the Bensons one +evening, and Marie was as quiet as a +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_60' name='page_60'></a>60</span> +lamb. She answered modestly when we +spoke to her. She told no stories; her +jeweled crown of culture was not in sight; +she listened with notable success, and +delighted us with well-managed and illuminating +silence. Neither she nor her +mother nor Mrs. Bryson ventured to interrupt +the talk of a noted professor who +dined with us. Marie was charming.</p> +<p>“After dinner she led me into the library, +where we sat down together.</p> +<p>“She seemed a little embarrassed, and +presently said, with a laugh, ‘I had a talk +with those girls, as you suggested.’</p> +<p>“‘What did they say?’ I asked.</p> +<p>“‘What didn’t they say?’ she exclaimed. +‘They flew at me like wildcats. They tore +me to pieces––said I was the most dreaded +talker in Pointview, that I had talked a +steady stream ever since I was born, that +nobody had a chance to get in a word with +me, that I had made all the boys sick who ever +came to see me. What do you think of that?’</p> +<div class='figtag'> +<a name='linki_3' id='linki_3'></a> +</div> +<div class='figcenter'> +<img src='images/illus-060.jpg' alt='' title='' width='549' height='431' /><br /> +<p class='caption'> +“WHAT DIDN’T THEY SAY? THEY FLEW AT ME LIKE WILDCATS.”<br /> +</p> +</div> +<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_61' name='page_61'></a>61</span></div> +<p>“‘It’s a gross exaggeration!’ I said.</p> +<p>“‘Well, I thought it over, and made +up my mind they were right,’ she went +on. ‘We kissed and made up and organized +the Listeners’ Circle, and mama +and Mrs. Bryson and Mrs. Doolittle have +joined. Our purpose is to regulate our +talk supply very strictly to the demand.’</p> +<p>“‘It’s a grand idea!’ I exclaimed. ‘The +Ladies’ Talk and Information Trust! Why, +it will soon control the entire product of +Pointview, and can fix the price. Marie, +it’s only a matter of time when the conversation +of you girls is going to be in the +nature of a luxury and as much desired as +diamonds. It won’t be long before some +young fellow will offer his life for one word +from you.’</p> +<p>“‘Oh, <i>I’m</i> hopeless! Nobody cares for +me––not a soul!’ said Marie.</p> +<p>“‘Wait and give ’em a chance,’ I answered.</p> +<p>“‘Do you think it’s true that I’ve +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_62' name='page_62'></a>62</span> +been such a pestilence?’ she asked, as +her fingers toyed with the upholstery. +‘You know you’ve been a kind of father +to me, and I want you to tell me frankly +if I’ve really made the boys sick.’</p> +<p>“‘Why, my dear child, if I were a young +man I’d be kneeling at your feet,’ I said; +and no wonder, for they were a beautiful +pair of feet, and none ever supported a +nobler girl. Then I went on: ‘Marie, your +talk is charming. The demand continues. +I feel honored by your confidence. Please +go on.’</p> +<p>“‘I believe I’ve been foolish without +knowing it,’ she said, her smile beautiful +with its sadness.</p> +<p>“‘My dear child, if there were no folly +in the world it would be a stupid place, +and I for one should want to move,’ I said. +‘Some never discover their own follies, and +they <i>are</i> hopeless. You are as wise as you +are dear. It’s in your power to do a lot of +good. Think what you’ve already accomplished. +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_63' name='page_63'></a>63</span> +I wish you would continue to +help us discourage foolish display in America.</p> +<p>“‘Are there any more chestnuts in the +fire?’ she asked, with a laugh. ‘Not that +I’m afraid. I suppose the fire is good for +me.’</p> +<p>“‘Marie, I love your fingers too well to +burn them unduly,’ I said. ‘By the way, +I expect that Harry Delance will be wanting +to marry you soon.’</p> +<p>“‘Harry!’ she exclaimed. ‘I talked him +to death––and out of the notion––long +ago, and I’m not sorry. He isn’t my +kind.’</p> +<p>“‘Harry’s a good fellow,’ I insisted.</p> +<p>“‘But he’s so dreadfully nice––such a +hopeless aristocrat! Grandfather would +have a fit. I want a big, full-blooded, +brawny chap, who isn’t a slave to his coat +and trousers––the kind of man you’ve talked +so much about––one who could get his +hands dirty and be a gentleman. I’m +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_64' name='page_64'></a>64</span> +longing for the outdoor life––and the outdoor +man to live it with me.’</p> +<p>“‘Give Harry a chance––his uneducation +had only just begun,’ I urged.</p> +<p>“I left Marie with a rather serious look +in her face, and began to wonder how I +should accomplish the uneducation of Harry.</p> +<p>“That young man came to see me, in a +day or two, at our home. My new set of +Smollett lay on the piano, and he greatly +admired it. Above all things Harry loved +books, and his specialty was Smollett; he +had read every tale in the series, at college, +and made a mark with his thesis on ‘The +Fathers of English Fiction.’ He spent an +hour of delight with those books of mine. +Then he said to me:</p> +<p>“‘Only fifty copies printed?’</p> +<p>“‘Only fifty,’ I said.</p> +<p>“‘Could I get a set?’</p> +<p>“‘All sold,’ I assured him, ‘but I shall be +glad to give these books to you on two +conditions.’</p> +<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_65' name='page_65'></a>65</span></div> +<p>“He turned in astonishment.</p> +<p>“‘They can do you no further harm, and +my first request is that you do not lend +them. My second is that you take them +home in my wheelbarrow by daylight with +your own hands.’</p> +<p>“He silently demurred.</p> +<p>“‘At last those books have a chance to +do some little good in the world, and I +don’t want them to lose it,’ I urged. ‘The +hands, feet, and legs of the high and low +born are slowly being deprived of their +rights in this community. Pride is robbing +them of their ancient and proper offices. +How many of the young men and women of +our acquaintance would be seen on the +street with a package in their hands, to +say nothing of a wheelbarrow? Their +souls are above it!’</p> +<p>“‘Why should they carry packages and +roll wheelbarrows?’ Harry asked. ‘Stores +deliver goods these days.’</p> +<p>“‘That’s one reason why it costs so much +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_66' name='page_66'></a>66</span> +to live. We have to pay for our pride and +our indolence and the delivery of the goods. +It’s all charged in the bill. Some member +of the family used to go to market every +morning with his basket and carry the goods +home with him.’</p> +<p>“‘It would be ridiculous for me to do +that,’ said Harry. ‘We’re able to pay the +bills.’</p> +<p>“‘But you’re doing a great injustice to +those who are not. You make the delivery +system a necessary thing, and those who +can’t afford it have to help you stand the +expense––a gross injustice. I want you +to help me in this cause of the hand and +foot. Your example would be full of inspiration. +Excuse me a moment.’</p> +<p>“I went for the wheelbarrow and rolled +it up to the front door. Then we brought +out the books and loaded them. That +done, I seized the handles of the barrow.</p> +<p>“‘Come on,’ I said. ‘I’ll do the work––you +share the disgrace with me.’</p> +<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_67' name='page_67'></a>67</span></div> +<p>“My gray hairs were too much for +him.</p> +<p>“‘No; give me the handles,’ he insisted. +‘If it won’t hurt you, it won’t hurt me––that’s +sure.’</p> +<p>“So, in his silk hat and frock-coat and +spats, with a carnation in his buttonhole, +he seized the wheelbarrow like a +man, and away we went. I steered him +up the Main Street, and people began to +hail us with laughter from automobiles, +and to jest with us on the sidewalk, and +Marie came along with two other pretty +girls, and the barrow halted in a gale +of merriment.</p> +<p>“‘What in the world are you doing?’ +one of them asked.</p> +<p>“‘It’s the remains of the late Mr. +Smollett,’ I explained.</p> +<p>“‘I’m setting an example to the young,’ +said Harry, as he mopped his forehead. +‘Couldn’t help it. I had to do this thing.’</p> +<p>“‘Great!’ Marie exclaimed. ‘Simply +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_68' name='page_68'></a>68</span> +great! I’m going to get me a wheelbarrow.’</p> +<p>“She would take hold of the handles +and try it, and went on half a block in +spite of our protests, creating much excitement.</p> +<p>“That was the first rude beginning of +The Basket and Wheelbarrow Brigade in +Pointview, of which I shall tell you later. +And now I shall explain my generosity––it +can generally be explained––and how +I came by the Smollett.”</p> +<hr class='toprule' /> +<div class='chsp'> +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_69' name='page_69'></a>69</span> +<a name='VI_IN_WHICH_BETSEY_COMMITS_AN_INDISCRETION' id='VI_IN_WHICH_BETSEY_COMMITS_AN_INDISCRETION'></a> +<h2>VI</h2> +<h3>IN WHICH BETSEY COMMITS AN INDISCRETION</h3> +</div> +<p>“Christmas was approaching, and +Betsey said to me one day that she +had been guilty of a great extravagance.</p> +<p>“‘I know you will forgive me just this +once,’ she went on. ‘My love for you is +so extravagant that I had to keep pace +with it. You’ve simply got to accept +something very grand.’</p> +<p>“‘I can’t think of anything that I +need unless it’s a new jack-knife,’ I said.</p> +<p>“‘Nonsense!’ she exclaimed. ‘You’ve +got to let me spend some money for you. +I’ve been held down in the expression of +my affections as long as I can stand it. +I’ve doubled my charities since we were +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_70' name='page_70'></a>70</span> +married, as a token of my gratitude, and +now I’ve a right to do something to please +myself.’</p> +<p>“‘All right! We’ll lift the lid,’ I said. +‘We can lie about it, I suppose, and cover +up our folly.’</p> +<p>“‘Well, of course we don’t have to tell +what it cost,’ said Betsey; ‘and, Socrates, +you can’t expect to reform me in a year. +It’s taken half a lifetime to acquire my +follies.’</p> +<p>“That’s one trouble with the whole +problem. You can’t tear down a structure +which has been slowly rising for +half a century in a day, or in many days.</p> +<p>“Christmas arrived, and Betsey went +down-stairs with me and covered my eyes +in the hall and led me to the grand piano. +Then I was permitted to look, and there +was the most gorgeous set of books that +my eyes ever beheld––a set of Smollett, +in lovely brown calf, decorated with magnificent +gold tooling! Yes, I love such +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_71' name='page_71'></a>71</span> +things––who doesn’t?––and I gave Betsey +a great hug, and we sat down with tears +in our eyes to look at the pages of vellum +and the wonderful etchings which adorned +so many of them. They were charming. +I knew that the books had cost at least a +thousand dollars. Grandpa Smead looked +awfully stern in his gold frame on the wall.</p> +<p>“‘Now don’t think too badly of me,’ +she urged. ‘Every poor family within +twenty miles is eating dinner at my expense +this Christmas Day.’</p> +<p>“‘You are the dearest girl in all the +land!’ I said. ‘There’s nobody like you.’</p> +<p>“‘I knew that you were fond of the +classics,’ said Betsey, ‘so I consulted Harry +Delance, and he suggested that I should +give you a set of Smollett; said it would +renew your youth. You know he’s devoted +to Smollett.’</p> +<p>“‘And why shouldn’t we keep up with +Harry?’ I said.</p> +<p>“‘Well, you know he took the first +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_72' name='page_72'></a>72</span> +prize in literature, and ought to have excellent +taste. Then the young man who +sold the set to me is working his way +through Yale. I was glad to help him, too; +he recommended these books––said they +were moral and uplifting––not at all like +the modern trash. He knew that we enjoyed +home reading. Mary will read them +aloud to us, and we’ll enjoy them together.’</p> +<p>“This father of romance was not unknown +to me, and I did not share her +confidence in the joys ahead of us, but +said nothing.</p> +<p>“After a fine dinner Betsey wanted to +start in at once. We sat down by the +fireside while her secretary began to read +aloud from one of the treasured volumes. +I had not read the story, and chose it +as being the least likely to make trouble. +In a short time we came to rough going +and the young woman began to falter.</p> +<p>“‘That will do,’ said Betsey, suddenly, +as I tried to conceal my emotions.</p> +<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_73' name='page_73'></a>73</span></div> +<p>“She took the book from the hands of +her secretary and read on in silence for a +minute or so.</p> +<p>“‘My land!’ she exclaimed, with a look +of horror. ‘That book would corrupt the +morals of John Bunyan.’</p> +<p>“‘Never mind; John never lived in +Pointview,’ I argued. ‘He didn’t have +a chance to get hardened.’</p> +<p>“Betsey had a determined look in her +face, and rang for the coachman.</p> +<p>“‘I’ll have them stored in the stable,’ +said she, firmly.</p> +<p>“‘If you don’t keep it locked, all the +women in the neighborhood’ll be in there,’ +I warned her, knowing that she couldn’t +help telling her friends of what had happened.</p> +<p>“‘That’s no reason why the men should +be unduly exposed,’ said Betsey. ‘Poor +things! It’s my duty to protect <i>you</i> as +long as I can, Socrates.’</p> +<p>“I promised to get rid of the books +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_74' name='page_74'></a>74</span> +somehow, and persuaded her to let them +stay where they were until I had had +time to think about it. Then she said:</p> +<p>“‘Socrates, forgive me. I didn’t mean +it, and I wanted to be so nice to you. +I guess it’s a just punishment for my extravagance. +I thought the modern novels +were bad enough. What can I do for +you now?’</p> +<p>“‘Always, when you’re in doubt, do +nothing,’ I suggested.</p> +<p>“‘Oh, I know what I’ll do!’ she exclaimed, +joyfully. ‘I’ll knit you a pair +of socks with my own hands.’</p> +<p>“‘Eureka!’ I shouted. ‘Those socks shall +make footprints on the sands of time.’”</p> +<hr class='toprule' /> +<div class='chsp'> +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_75' name='page_75'></a>75</span> +<a name='VII_IN_WHICH_SOCRATES_ATTACKS_THE_WORST_DOERS_AND_BEST_SELLERS' id='VII_IN_WHICH_SOCRATES_ATTACKS_THE_WORST_DOERS_AND_BEST_SELLERS'></a> +<h2>VII</h2> +<h3>IN WHICH SOCRATES ATTACKS THE WORST DOERS AND BEST SELLERS</h3> +</div> +<p>“One evening, soon after that, Betsey +and I went to a party at Deacon +Benson’s. The Deacon is Marie’s grandfather––a +strict, old-line Congregationalist. +The old gentleman owned some two hundred +acres in the very heart of Pointview and +about a mile of shore-front. In all the +buying and selling, he had refused to part +with an acre of his land, now worth at least +a million dollars. He had willed it all to +Marie.</p> +<p>“Deacon Joe was a relic of Puritan days, +with shrewd eyes under heavy gray tufts, +and a mouth bent like a sickle, and whiskers +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_76' name='page_76'></a>76</span> +under a strong chin, and lines in his face +that suggested the heart of a lion. In his +walks he was always accompanied by a +hickory cane and a bulldog whose countenance +and philosophy were like unto those +of the Deacon.</p> +<p>“He was a perfectly honest man who had +joined the church with mental reservations. +He had reserved the right to employ certain +adjectives and nouns which had been +useful in Pointview since the days of the +pioneer, and which had grown more and more +indispensable to the opinions of an honest +man. The verb ‘to damn’ in all its parts +and relations had been one of them. The +word ‘hell’ was another. It represented a +thing of great conversational value, and he +recommended it with perfect frankness to +certain people. He loved hell and hard +cider, and hated Episcopalians. He loved +to tell how one Episcopalian had cheated +him in a horse trade, and how another had +never paid for a bushel of onions. That +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_77' name='page_77'></a>77</span> +was enough for him. He had always +thought them a loose, unprincipled lot with +no adequate respect for fire and brimstone. +But Deacon Joe was honest, and his word +was worth a hundred cents on the dollar.</p> +<p>“Now the Delances were Episcopalians +from away back––High-Church Episcopalians, +at that. The old man had sniffed +a good deal when Harry began to pay attention +to Marie, and had come to see me +about it.</p> +<p>“I eased his fears and appealed to his +avarice. Harry had too much money and +some follies, I confessed, but he was sound at +heart, and I had hope of making a strong +man of him, and of course his money might +be a great lever in his hands.</p> +<p>“‘Very well––we’ll keep an eye on him,’ +he snapped, and left me without another +word.</p> +<p>“After that Marie was allowed to go +out with the young man in his drag and +tandem.</p> +<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_78' name='page_78'></a>78</span></div> +<p>“Harry and his sister came to the party +at Deacon Joe’s, and brought with them a +late volume of D’Annunzio for Marie to +read. Harry wished to know if I had +read it, and gave us a talk on the realism of +this modern Italian author.</p> +<p>“Again I drew on the memoirs of Dr. +Godfrey Vogeldam Guph, and this time +I explained that the learned doctor had all +the talents but one. He never told a lie––never +but once, and that was on his death-bed. +Yes, it was a little late, but still it +was in time to save his reputation, and, +possibly, even his soul. To a man of his +parts the truth had always been good +enough, and lying unnecessary. If he had +told a lie it wouldn’t have amounted to anything––everybody +would have believed it. +He wouldn’t have got any credit––poor +man! He had no more use for a lie than a +fish has for a mackintosh––until he came to +his last touching words, which were delivered +to a minister and his sister Sophia, who +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_79' name='page_79'></a>79</span> +had been reading to him from a book of +D’Annunzio.</p> +<p>“‘My chance has arrived at last,’ he said +to Sophia, ‘and in order that I may make +the most of it, you will please send for a +minister.’</p> +<p>“The latter came, and, seeing the book, +asked the good man if he had read it.</p> +<p>“‘Alas! my friend, that it should be necessary +for me to tell a lie on my death-bed,’ +said the Doctor. ‘But now, at last, I tell +it proudly and promptly. I have not read +that book.’</p> +<p>“‘And therein I do clearly see the truth,’ +said the wise old minister.</p> +<p>“‘Which is this,’ the learned Doctor confessed. +‘I have come to an hour when a lie, +and nothing but a lie, can show my sense of +shame. I solemnly swear that I have not +read it!’</p> +<p>“‘Well, at least you’re a noble liar,’ said +the man of God. ‘I absolve you.’</p> +<p>“‘I claim no credit––I am only doing my +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_80' name='page_80'></a>80</span> +duty,’ said the good Doctor, with a sign of +ineffable peace.</p> +<p>“As soon as I could get his attention, +I called Harry aside and whispered: ‘In +Heaven’s name, boy, get hold of that book +and hang on to it.’</p> +<p>“‘Why?’ he asked.</p> +<p>“‘You don’t know the old man as I do––that’s +why,’ I said. ‘If he should happen +to read it, he’d go after you with his +grandfather’s sword the next time you +showed up here.’</p> +<p>“Marie stood near us, and I beckoned to +her, and she came to my side.</p> +<p>“‘The book,’ said Harry––‘would you let +me take it?’</p> +<p>“‘I took it to my grandfather, and he is +reading it in his room,’ she answered. +‘Shall I go and get it?’</p> +<p>“Harry hesitated.</p> +<p>“‘He won’t mind,’ said Marie; ‘I’ll go +and get it.’</p> +<p>“And away she went.</p> +<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_81' name='page_81'></a>81</span></div> +<p>“She came back to us soon, a bit embarrassed.</p> +<p>“‘He seems to be very much interested +and––and a little cross,’ said she. ‘I +think he will bring it out to you soon.’</p> +<p>“Harry turned pale.</p> +<p>“‘You look sick, old man,’ I said.</p> +<p>“‘I’m not feeling very well,’ said he, ‘and +I think I shall excuse myself and go home.’</p> +<p>“There was danger of a scene, but he +got away unharmed. By and by the lionhearted +deacon came out of his room, asked +severely for ‘young Delance,’ wandered +through the crowd, answered indignantly +a few inquiries about his health, and returned +to his lair.</p> +<p>“I saw that the Deacon was mad. New +New England had imprudently bumped +into old New England, and it was too soon +to estimate the damage.”</p> +<p>The Honorable Socrates Potter laughed +as he filled his pipe, and resumed with an +attitude of ease and comfort;</p> +<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_82' name='page_82'></a>82</span></div> +<p>“I’m a bit of a Puritan myself, although +I understood Harry better than did the Deacon. +The young people have been captured +by the frankness of the Latin races. They +call it emancipation. Travel and the higher +education have opened the storage vats of +foreign degeneracy and piped them into our +land. Certain young men who have been +‘finished’ abroad, where they filled their +souls with Latin lewdness, have turned it +into fiction and a source of profit. Women +buy their books and rush through them, and +only touch the low places. There they lie +entranced, thick as autumnal leaves that +strew the brooks in Vallombrosa. Like the +women in the sack of Ismail, they sit them +down and watch for the adultery to begin.</p> +<p>“The imagination of the old world seems +to have gone wild––Oscar Wilde! How the +Oscars have thriven there since the first +of them went to jail!––a degenerate dynasty!––hiding +the stench of spiritual rot with +the perfume of faultless rhetoric, speaking +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_83' name='page_83'></a>83</span> +the unspeakable with the tongues of angels +and of prophets! And mostly, my boy, +they have thriven on the dollars of American +women under the leadership of modern +culture. And, you know, the maiden follows +mama. She is an apologist of sublime +lewdness, of emancipated human caninity. +Now I am no prude. I can stand a fairly +strong touch of human nature. I can even +put up with a good deal of the frankness of +the cat and dog. But the frankness of +some modern authors makes me sorry that +Adam was a common ancestor of theirs +and mine. It’s a disgrace to Adam and the +whole human brotherhood. We sons of the +Puritans ought to get busy in the old cause. +Noah had the good sense to keep the animals +and the people apart, and that’s what we’ve +always stood for.”</p> +<hr class='toprule' /> +<div class='chsp'> +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_84' name='page_84'></a>84</span> +<a name='VIII_IN_WHICH_SOCRATES_ATTACKS_THE_HELMET_AND_THE_BATTLEAX' id='VIII_IN_WHICH_SOCRATES_ATTACKS_THE_HELMET_AND_THE_BATTLEAX'></a> +<h2>VIII</h2> +<h3>IN WHICH SOCRATES ATTACKS THE HELMET AND THE BATTLE-AX</h3> +</div> +<p>“Marie came to see us at our home next +morning and began to cry as soon as +she had sat down in the library. The +thing I had looked for had come to pass. +Her grandfather had dropped Harry from +his list, and warned him to keep off the rag-carpet. +There was to be no more prancing +around in the ‘toot-coach’ and the ‘Harry-cart,’ +as he called them, for Marie. In his +view it was the surest means of getting to +perdition. Harry was an idler, and he had +always found that an idle brain was the +devil’s workshop. Marie might be polite +to the young man, but she must keep her +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_85' name='page_85'></a>85</span> +side of the road and see that there was +always plenty of room between them.</p> +<p>“‘He’s so hateful,’ Marie said of her +grandfather. ‘He made such a fuss about +our getting a crest that we’ve a perfect +right to! Mama had to give it up.’</p> +<p>“‘What! Do you mean to tell me that +you have no crest!’ I inquired, anxiously.</p> +<p>“‘We have one, but we cannot use it; our +hands are tied,’ was her sorrowful answer.</p> +<p>“‘I’m astonished. Why, everybody is +going to have a crest in Pointview.</p> +<p>“‘The other day I suggested to Bridget +Maloney, our pretty chambermaid, that +she ought to have the Maloney crest on her +letter-heads.</p> +<p>“‘“What’s that?” says Bridget.</p> +<p>“‘“What’s that!” I said, with a look of +pity.</p> +<p>“‘Then I showed her a letter from Mrs. +Van Alstyne, with a lion and a griffin +cuffing each other black and blue at the +top of the sheet.</p> +<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_86' name='page_86'></a>86</span></div> +<p>“‘“It’s grand!” said she.</p> +<p>“‘“It’s the Van Alstyne crest,” I said. +“It’s a proof of respectability. Aren’t you as +good as they are?”</p> +<p>“‘“Every bit!” said she.</p> +<p>“‘“That’s what I thought. Don’t you +often feel as if you were better than a good +many people you know?”</p> +<p>“‘“Sure I do.”</p> +<p>“‘“Well, that’s a sign that you’re blue-blooded,” +said I. “Probably you’ve got +a king in your family somewhere. A +crest shows that you suspect your ancestors––nothing +more than that. It isn’t +proof, so there’s no reason why you shouldn’t +have it. You ought not to be going around +without a crest, as if you were a common +servant-girl. Why, every kitchen-maid will +be thinking she’s as good as you are. You +want to be in style. You have money in +the bank, and not half the people who have +crests are as well able to afford ’em.”</p> +<p>“‘“How much do they cost?”</p> +<div class='figtag'> +<a name='linki_4' id='linki_4'></a> +</div> +<div class='figcenter'> +<img src='images/illus-086.jpg' alt='' title='' width='436' height='633' /><br /> +<p class='caption'> +“‘IT’S THE VAN ALSTYNE CREST,’ I SAID. ‘IT’S A PROOF OF RESPECTABILITY.’”<br /> +</p> +</div> +<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_87' name='page_87'></a>87</span></div> +<p>“‘“Nothing––at least, yours’ll cost nothing, +Bridget. I shall be glad to buy one +for you.”</p> +<p>“‘The simple girl thanked me, and I +found the Maloney crest for her, and had +the plate made and neatly engraved on +a hundred sheets of paper.</p> +<p>“‘Next week the Pointview <i>Advocate</i> +will print this item: “Miss Bridget Maloney, +the genial chambermaid of Mrs. +Socrates Potter, uses the Maloney crest +on her letter-heads. She is said to be a +lineal descendant of his Grace Bryan +Maloney, one of the early dukes of Ireland.”</p> +<p>“‘Bridget is haughty, well-mannered, and +a neat dresser. She’s a pace-maker in +her set. Even the high-headed servants +of Warburton House imitate her hats and +gowns.</p> +<p>“‘Yesterday Katie O’Neil, one of Mrs. +Warburton’s maids, came to me for information +as to the heraldry of her house. +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_88' name='page_88'></a>88</span> +I found a crest for Katie; and then came +Mary Maginness; and Bertha Schimpfelheim, +the daughter of a real German +count; and one August Bernheimer, a young +barber of baronial blood; and Pietro Cantaveri, +our prosperous bootblack, who was +the grandson of an Italian countess; and +so it goes, and soon all the high-born servers +of Pointview will be supplied with armorial +bearings.</p> +<p>“‘These claims to distinction shall be +soberly chronicled in the <i>Advocate</i>. Not +one is to be overlooked or treated with +any lack of respect. On the contrary, +the whole thing will be exploited with +a proper sense of awe.’</p> +<p>“Marie laughed.</p> +<p>“‘Wait till I tell mama,’ she said. ‘It’s +lucky you told me. It’s saved us. I guess +grandfather was right about that.’</p> +<p>“‘And he’s right about Harry, too,’ I said. +‘But don’t despair; I’m trying to put a new +mainspring in the boy. If I succeed, your +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_89' name='page_89'></a>89</span> +grandfather may have to change his +mind.’</p> +<p>“She went away comforted, but not +happy.</p> +<p>“Well, I went on with the crest campaign. +Bertha, Pietro, and the others got their +crests and saw their names in the paper.</p> +<p>“The supply of crests was soon perfectly +adequate, and among our best people the +demand for them began to diminish, and +suddenly ceased. The beast rampant and +couchant, the helmet and the battle-ax, +associated only with mixed tenses and misplaced +capitals according to their ancient +habit. This chambermaid grammar was +referred to by my friend, Dr. Guph, as the +‘battle-ax brand’––a designation of some +merit. Expensive stationery fell into the +fireplaces of Pointview, and armorial plates +were found in the garbage. The family +trees of the village were deserted. Not a +bird twittered in their branches. The subject +of genealogy was buried in deep silence, +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_90' name='page_90'></a>90</span> +save when the irreverent referred to some +late addition to our new aristocracy.</p> +<p>“Now I want to make it clear that we +have no disrespect for the customs of any +foreign land. If I were living in a foreign +land and needed evidence of my respectability, +I’d have a crest, if it was likely to +prove my case. But America was founded +by the sons of the yeomen, and the yeomen +established their respectability with other +evidence. Their brains were so often touched +by the battle-ax that some of us have an +hereditary shyness about the head, and we +dodge at every baronial relic.”</p> +<hr class='toprule' /> +<div class='chsp'> +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_91' name='page_91'></a>91</span> +<a name='IX_IN_WHICH_SOCRATES_INCREASES_THE_SUPPLY_OF_SPLENDOR' id='IX_IN_WHICH_SOCRATES_INCREASES_THE_SUPPLY_OF_SPLENDOR'></a> +<h2>IX</h2> +<h3>IN WHICH SOCRATES INCREASES THE SUPPLY OF SPLENDOR</h3> +</div> +<p>“In due time the Society of Useful Women +met at our house, and I was invited to +make a few remarks, and said in effect:</p> +<p>“‘We are trying to correct the evil of +extravagant display in America, and first +I ask you to consider the cause of it. We +find it in the ancient law of supply and demand. +The reason that women love to +array themselves in silk and laces and +jewels and picture-hats and plumes of +culture and sunbursts of genealogy lies in +the fact that the supply of these things has +generally been limited. Their cost is so +high, therefore, that few can afford them, +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_92' name='page_92'></a>92</span> +and those who wear them are distinguished +from the common herd. This matter of +buying distinction is the cause of our +trouble. Now I propose that we increase +the supply of jewels, silks, laces, picture-hats, +and ancestors in Pointview––that we +bring them within the reach of all, and aim +a death-blow at the distinction to be obtained +by displaying them. There isn’t a +servant-girl in this community who doesn’t +pant for luxuries. Why shouldn’t she? +I move that we have a committee to consider +this inadequate supply of luxuries, +with the power to increase the same at its +own expense.’</p> +<p>“I was appointed chairman of that committee, +and went to work, with Betsey and +Mrs. Warburton as coadjutors.</p> +<p>“We stocked a store with clever imitations +of silks, satins, and old lace, and the +best assortment of Brummagem jewelry +that could be raked together. We had a +great show-case full of glittering paste––bracelets, +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_93' name='page_93'></a>93</span> +tiaras, coronets, sunbursts, dog-collars, +rings, necklaces––all extremely modish +and so handsome that they would have +deceived any but trained eyes. Our pearls +and sapphires were especially attractive. +We hired a skilled dressmaker, familiar +with the latest modes, and a milliner who +could imitate the most stunning hats on +Fifth Avenue at reasonable prices. Every +servant in good standing in our community +was permitted to come and see and buy and +say ‘Charge it.’</p> +<p>“Mrs. Warburton’s ball for the servants +of Pointview, to be given in the Town Hall, +was coming near. It happened that the +committee of arrangements included Marie +and the young Reverend Robert Knowles. +Their intimacy began in the work of that +committee. For days they rode about in +the minister’s motor-car getting ready for +the ball and for the greater intimacy that +followed it.</p> +<p>“Our ball sent its radiance over land and +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_94' name='page_94'></a>94</span> +sea. Sunbursts shone like stars in the Milky +Way. A fine orchestra furnished music. +Reporters from New York and other cities +were present.</p> +<p>“The nurses, cooks, kitchen-girls, laundresses, +and chambermaids of Pointview +were radiant in silk, lace, diamonds, pearls, +and rubies. The costumes were brilliant, +but all in good taste. Alabaster? Why, +my dear boy, they would have made the +swell set resemble a convention of beanpoles. +For the matter of busts, they busted +the record!</p> +<p>“The only mishap occurred when Bertha +Schimpfelheim––some call her Big Bertha––slipped +and fell in a waltz, injuring the +knee of her companion. To my surprise +the brainiest of these working-folk saw the +satire in which they were taking part, and +entered into it with all the more spirit +because they knew.</p> +<div class='figtag'> +<a name='linki_5' id='linki_5'></a> +</div> +<div class='figcenter'> +<img src='images/illus-094.jpg' alt='' title='' width='542' height='431' /><br /> +<p class='caption'> +“RADIANT IN SILK, LACE, DIAMONDS, PEARLS, AND RUBIES”<br /> +</p> +</div> +<p>“The presence of Mr. Warburton, Mr. +and Mrs. Delance, Marie, and the Reverend +Robert Knowles on the floor insured proper +decorum and lent an air of seriousness to +the event. It proved an effective background +for Marie. She shone like a pigeon-blood +ruby among garnets. She wore no +jewels, and was distinguished only by her +beauty and the simplicity of her costume +and the unmistakable evidence of good +breeding in her face and manners.</p> +<p>“Harry sat with me in the gallery.</p> +<p>“‘She’s wonderful!’ he exclaimed. ‘All +this rococo ware simply emphasizes her +charm. Only a girl of brains could carry +it off as she does. She’s among them and +yet apart. An old duke once told me that +if you want to know the rank of a lady, observe +how she treats an inferior. It’s quite +true. By Jove! I’m in love with Marie, and +I’m going to make her my wife if possible.’</p> +<p>“‘That’s one really substantial result +of the ball,’ I said.</p> +<p>“‘Do you think that she cares for Knowles––that +minister chap?’”</p> +<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_95' name='page_95'></a>95</span></div> +<p>“‘I’m inclined to think that she likes you +better,’ I said.</p> +<p>“‘Is your inclination encouraged by +evidence?’</p> +<p>“‘That query I must decline to answer,’ +said I.</p> +<p>“‘Well, you know, I’m not going to be +long in doubt,’ the boy declared, as he left +me.</p> +<p>“The event was an epoch-maker. Long +reports of it appeared in the daily press +and traveled far in a surge of thoughtful +merriment. For instance: ‘Miss Mary +Maginness, the accomplished lady-in-waiting +of Mrs. William Warburton, of Warburton +House, wore a coronet and a dog-collar +of diamonds above a costume of white +brocaded satin, trimmed with old duchesse +lace and gold ornaments. Miss Maginness +is a lineal descendant of Lord Rawdon +Maginness, of Cork, who early in the seventeenth +century commanded an army that +drove the Italians out of Ireland.’</p> +<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_96' name='page_96'></a>96</span></div> +<p>“And so it went, with column after +column of glittering detail. Since then +the servants have enjoyed a monopoly in +splendor––it’s been a kind of Standard +Jewel Company, and certain rich men have +boasted in my presence that they haven’t a +jewel in their houses; and one added with +quite unneeded emphasis: ‘Not a measly +jewel. My wife says that they suggest +dish-water and aprons.’</p> +<p>“‘It is too funny!’ said Mrs. Warburton. +‘You know those jewels at the ball were +quite as real as many that are worn by +ladies of fashion. Most rich women who +want to save themselves worry keep their +jewels in the strong-box and wear replicas +of paste and composition.’</p> +<p>“The instalment jeweler has gone out +of business, and half a dozen servant-girls +have refused to make further payments +on their solitaires and returned +them.</p> +<p>“One singular thing happened. Nearly +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_97' name='page_97'></a>97</span> +all those servants paid their bills to our +store, and we closed out with an unexpected +profit, while a number of stores who charged +their goods to the noble band of employers +have stopped for need of money.”</p> +<hr class='toprule' /> +<div class='chsp'> +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_98' name='page_98'></a>98</span> +<a name='X_IN_WHICH_SOCRATES_BREAKS_THE_DRAG_AND_TANDEM_MONOPOLY_IN_POINTVIEW' id='X_IN_WHICH_SOCRATES_BREAKS_THE_DRAG_AND_TANDEM_MONOPOLY_IN_POINTVIEW'></a> +<h2>X</h2> +<h3>IN WHICH SOCRATES BREAKS THE DRAG AND TANDEM MONOPOLY IN POINTVIEW</h3> +</div> +<p>“Harry’s father came often for a smoke +and talk with me after dinner, and his +favorite subject was Harry. As a subject +of conversation, Harry was more successful +than the average crime. In this respect +he resembled a divorce or a murder. That’s +how it happened that Harry got on my +mind. He is one of the most skilful riders +of the human mind that I know of. He was +wearing us out, and we were all bucking to +get him off. Well, his father was thinking +about him while I was thinking about the +rest of Pointview. It was another case of +Rome and Cæsar. Harry’s last achievement +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_99' name='page_99'></a>99</span> +was to accuse his father of being the +fossiliferous remnant of an ancient time.</p> +<p>“‘The truth is, Harry hasn’t enough +competition in his line,’ I suggested, one +evening. ‘The other boys are doing well, +but they don’t keep up with him.</p> +<p>“‘You know after I left college, in my +youth, I spent a couple of years in Wyoming. +Well, Mary Ann Crowder was the +only single lady within a hundred miles, +and she was the most obstreperous damn +critter that I ever saw. She had a monopoly +an’ knew it, an’ wasn’t decently polite. +Put on more style than a nigger at a cakewalk. +Though she had red hair an’ only +one eye, some of the boys used to ride sixty +miles for a visit with her. Then they had +to swim the Snake River and maybe wrestle +with a tame bear that was loose in the dooryard. +By and by a man with two unmarried +daughters moved on to a ranch +near us, and then Mary Ann began to be +polite. She suddenly became a human +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_100' name='page_100'></a>100</span> +being, an’ killed the bear, an’ moved across +the river an’ married the first man that +proposed, and lived happily ever after.</p> +<p>“‘What we need here is another drag +and tandem.’</p> +<p>“‘Get what you need, and I’ll pay the +bills,’ said Harry’s father.</p> +<p>“So I went to a sale in New York, bought +my drag and tandem-cart, and had them +shipped to Pointview. Our local sign-painter +put a crest or, rather, a kind of +royal hatchment, on the panels of both. +Then I sold them for next to nothing to a +local livery on conditions. Its new owner +agreed to use the drag for chowder-parties, +and to break the worst-looking nags in his +stable to drive tandem on the cart.</p> +<p>“Tommy Ruggles, a smart-looking knight +of the currycomb, whose first name was a +kitchen word in Pointview, sprang to my +assistance. He had curly hair, and a good +deal of natural cuteness, and was, moreover, +‘a divvle with the girls.’ He contracted +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_101' name='page_101'></a>101</span> +with me to take a selected list of +female servants for an airing in the tandem-cart. +He was to get a royalty of five dollars +a head on every servant that was properly +aired, with a small premium on red ones.</p> +<p>“He began with Big Bertha, our worthy +German countess. Tommy had a playful +humor, and cracked his long whip over the +rough-harnessed nags and merrily tooted +his horn as the rig lumbered along through +the main streets of our village. Many +laughed and many wondered, while an army +of noisy kids followed and hung on behind.</p> +<p>“Tommy got his second girl, who was +hit on the head with a ripe tomato, and +then it was all over. The girls wouldn’t +stand for it. The sport had become too +exciting. Tommy told me how he had invited +Bridget Maloney, and she had said: +‘Na-a-ah! Do yez take me for an idiot? +Sure every rotten egg in the town would +be jumpin’ at me.’</p> +<p>“It suggested an idea. As the imitation +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_102' name='page_102'></a>102</span> +idiots had given out, we would try the real +thing. So I ’phoned the manager of our +thriving idiot asylum on the Post Road +and arranged to have Tommy take one of +his patients every day for a drive in the +cart. Why shouldn’t all the idiots enjoy +themselves? Fresh air would be good for +them. It would turn the cart into a charity +which would cover a part of my sins. I +asked for the better class of idiots––the +quiet ones, who had sense enough to appreciate +a good thing. The parade began +and continued day after day.</p> +<p>“Harry had retired his tandem after +Tom, with a stiff-backed idiot by his side, +had clattered after him through the village +behind the two spavined nags to the amusement +of many people. He had kept up +with Harry.</p> +<p>“Soon that kind of a rig was known as the +Idiot Wagon. Then Tommy resigned; it +was more than he could stand. He said +he was willing to do any honest work for +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_103' name='page_103'></a>103</span> +money, but not that. He said that the +idiots imagined themselves rich, and put +on so much style that it made the whole +thing ridiculous.</p> +<p>“‘Never mind––it’s the habit of idiots,’ +I said.</p> +<p>“‘One of ’em thinks he’s Napoleon +Bonaparte, an’ calls me his man, and wears +a plug hat and sits as straight as a ramrod, +and bows to the people when they laugh +at him,’ said Tommy. ‘Some of ’em get +stuck on the cart, and it’s a fight to get ’em +out of it. I tell ye, I’m sick o’ the job. +The sight o’ that cart makes me feel +nutty.’</p> +<p>“‘Never mind, Tom,’ I said; ‘you’ve +been a public benefactor, and you and the +cart are entitled to an honorable discharge.’</p> +<p>“Every bright day the drag was tooling +over the road with picnic-parties on their +way to one of the popular beaches. Our +local lodges and political clubs, and now +and then a load of Italians, were able to +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_104' name='page_104'></a>104</span> +enjoy the luxury which had been the exclusive +delight of Harry and the fluffy +maidens of Pointview.</p> +<p>“Drags an’ tandems are all right if you +don’t go too far with ’em. We were just +in time to prevent them from becoming +tools of degeneration in our village.”</p> +<hr class='toprule' /> +<div class='chsp'> +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_105' name='page_105'></a>105</span> +<a name='XI_IN_WHICH_SUNDRY_PEOPLE_MAKE_GREAT_DISCOVERIES' id='XI_IN_WHICH_SUNDRY_PEOPLE_MAKE_GREAT_DISCOVERIES'></a> +<h2>XI</h2> +<h3>IN WHICH SUNDRY PEOPLE MAKE GREAT DISCOVERIES</h3> +</div> +<p>“There were many private panics in +Pointview. It was my privilege to +observe, under calm exteriors, a raging fever +of excitement––characters going bankrupt, +collectors wandering in a fruitless quest. +One little rill that flowed into the swift +river of national trouble issued from the +bosom of my clerk, Mr. ‘Cub’ Sayles. +It had been one of the most placid bosoms +in Pointview. Now it was in the midst +of what I have since referred to as the +‘Violet and Supper Panic of 1907.’</p> +<p>“Cub was a quiet, hard-working, serious-minded +boy whose mother moved in the +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_106' name='page_106'></a>106</span> +higher circles of Boston. He had a low, +pleasant voice, a touch of Harry’s dialect, +and a sad face. He had asked for a higher +salary, and I had asked for information.</p> +<p>“‘You see every time I go to call on my +girl I have to take a bunch of violets or a +two-pound box of candy,’ he said. ‘Then +if we go to the theater her chaperon has +to be with us––don’t you know? She’s +a stout lady who complains of faintness +before the play ends, and I have to ask +them out to supper. Then I am always +greatly alarmed, for you never can tell what +will happen, sir, with two ladies at supper +and only twenty dollars in your pocket, +and both ladies fond of game and crab-meat. +It’s really very trying. I sit and tremble as +I watch them, and go home with only a +feeble remnant of my salary, and next day +I have to pawn my diamond ring.’</p> +<p>“‘All that isn’t honest,’ I said. ‘You’re +getting her favor under false pretenses. +You’re trying to make her believe that you +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_107' name='page_107'></a>107</span> +are a sort of aristocrat with lots of money. +Why don’t you tell her the truth––that you +can’t afford violets, that the two-pound +box is a burden that is breaking your back, +and that every theater-supper sends you +to the pawnbroker’s?’</p> +<p>“‘I can’t––she would throw me over,’ +he explained. ‘The girls expect those +things. They like to show and talk about +them––don’t you know? It’s the fashion. +Our best young men do it, sir.’</p> +<p>“‘Well, if you are willing to give up your +honor for a lady’s smile you won’t do for +me,’ I said. ‘You must not only tell the +truth, but live it. You must be just what +you are––a poor boy working for twenty +dollars a week. If the girl doesn’t like +it she’s unfit to associate with honest +men. If you don’t like it I don’t like +you.’</p> +<p>“Perspiration had begun to dampen the +brow of Cub.</p> +<p>“‘I––I hadn’t seen it in that light, sir,’ +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_108' name='page_108'></a>108</span> +he said. ‘But what am I to do, sir? I am +heavily indebted to my tailor.’</p> +<p>“‘What! Haven’t you paid for those +lovely garments?’</p> +<p>“‘I had them charged, sir,’ Cub sadly +answered. ‘My mother sent me a hundred +dollars to pay for them, but I loaned it to +Roger Daniels. I should be much obliged, +sir, if you would collect it for me.’</p> +<p>“I went to Roger and made him pay the +debt. He paid it in a curious way––by going +to his tailor and buying a hundred +dollars’ worth of clothes for Cub and having +them charged. It was compounding +a felony, but my client was satisfied and +Roger was grateful. He began to have some +regard for me. Not every lawyer had been +able to make him pay. Within a day or +so he came to consult me about a mortgage +on his patrimony.</p> +<p>“Roger had married and settled down +immediately after his remarkable cruise. +He had kept his party in ignorance of his +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_109' name='page_109'></a>109</span> +financial troubles and returned with his reputation +as an aristocrat firmly established. +The gay young Bessie Runnymede had +accepted him at once. He had become +junior partner in a firm of brokers and had +rented a handsome residence in Pointview.</p> +<p>“So they began their little play with +ladies, lords, and gentlemen in the cast, and +with a country-house, a tandem, a crested +limousine, and a racing launch for scenery. +But Roger had what is known as a bad +season. Well, you know, the moving-picture +shows had got such a hold on the +public.</p> +<p>“At first we concluded that he must +have made another lucky play in the market. +Then, after six months or so, bills against +Roger began to arrive for collection from +sundry department stores in the city. He +was a good fellow and had plausible excuses, +and I declined to press payment and returned +the bills.</p> +<p>“One day, some eight months after the +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_110' name='page_110'></a>110</span> +wedding, an urgent telegram from Roger +brought me to New York. I found the +young man in his office, with his wife at his +side. They were both in tears. I sat down +with them, and he told me this story:</p> +<p>“‘The fact is, I’m a thief,’ he began. +‘I have confessed the truth to my partners. +Since my marriage I have taken about +twenty thousand dollars––needed every +cent of it to keep going. The fact is, I +expected to make a killing in the market +and return the money––had inside information––but +everything went wrong. Yesterday +I was cleaned out.</p> +<p>“‘I went home late in the evening. I +hoped that my wife would be in bed, but +she was waiting for me. She said that +I looked sick, and wanted to know what was +the matter. I told her that I had a headache, +and got into bed as soon as possible; +but I couldn’t sleep. Long after midnight +my wife rose and turned on the light and +came to my bed and said that she knew I +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_111' name='page_111'></a>111</span> +was troubled about something––that she +had seen it in my face for weeks. She +begged that I would let her help me bear it. +Then I told her the truth, and discovered––for +I didn’t know her before––one of the +noblest women in the world. She hid her +face in the pillow, and then I had a bad +moment.</p> +<p>“‘“Why did you do it?” she asked as soon +as she could speak.</p> +<p>“‘And I said: “We’ve been foolish––trying +to keep up with Harry and the rest +of them. It was my fault. I ought to +have told you that I couldn’t go the +pace.”</p> +<p>“‘She saw the truth in a flash, and the +old-fashioned woman in her got to work.</p> +<p>“‘“Roger, get up and dress yourself,” +said she. “We will go and see your partners +to-night. We will go together, for I am as +guilty as you. We will tell them the truth +and beg for time. Maybe we can get the +money.”</p> +<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_112' name='page_112'></a>112</span></div> +<p>“‘We started in our motor-car about one +o’clock for the city, on dark and muddy +roads. Some ten miles out we broke an +axle and left car and driver and went on +afoot. My wife wouldn’t wait. No trains +were running. But we could get a trolley +five miles down the road. So we went on +in the dark and silence. I put my arm +around her, and not a word passed between +us for an hour or so. I don’t know what she +was thinking of, but I was trying to count +my follies. It began to rain, and I felt +sorry for Bess, and took off my coat and +threw it over her.’</p> +<p>“‘“I don’t mind the rain,” she said. “It +will cool me.”</p> +<p>“‘We were a sight when we got to the +trolley, and just before daylight we rang +the bell of the senior partner. Our weariness +and muddy shoes and rain-soaked garments +were a help to us. They touched his heart, +sir. Anyhow, he gave me a week of grace +in which to make good. I must get the +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_113' name='page_113'></a>113</span> +money somehow, and I want your advice +about it.’</p> +<p>“‘I’m glad of one part of it all,’ I said––‘that +you have discovered each other and +learned that you are human beings of a +pretty good sort. I’ve much more respect +for both of you than I ever had before.’</p> +<p>“He looked at me in surprise.</p> +<p>“‘Oh, you are a better man than you were +three months ago!’ I answered him. ‘You +happen to have run against the law, and it’s +shocked and frightened you. But you are +improving. Long ago you began to incur +debts which you couldn’t pay, and you must +have known that you couldn’t pay them. +In that manner you became possessed of +a large sum of money belonging to other +people. It was used not for necessities, +but to maintain a foolish display. That is +the most heartless kind of fraud. I’ve +much more respect for you now that you +see your fault and confess it. I’m convinced +now that you have a conscience, +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_114' name='page_114'></a>114</span> +and that you will be likely to make some use +of it in the future. I’m particularly grateful +to your wife. She has shown me that +she is just a woman, and not an angel. I +don’t believe that it was at all necessary for +you to have groveled in aristocratic crimes +in order to win her heart. The yacht cruise +and the tandem and the violets and the +Fifth Avenue clothes and the ton of candy +were quite superfluous. You needed only +to tell her the truth, like a man, and say +that you loved her.’</p> +<p>“‘It is true, Roger,’ said the girl as she +broke down again.</p> +<p>“‘I did it all to please you, dear,’ the boy +answered, in his effort to comfort her.</p> +<p>“‘And it did please me,’ she said, brokenly, +‘but I know that I should have been +better pleased if––’</p> +<p>“She hesitated, and I expressed her +thought for her:</p> +<p>“‘If he had centralized on manhood. +There is something sweeter than violets +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_115' name='page_115'></a>115</span> +and grander than fine raiment in a sort of +character that a boy should offer to the +girl he loves.’</p> +<p>“They were both convinced. It was +easy to see that now, and I promised to do +what I could for them.</p> +<p>“I got a schedule of the young man’s +debts and found that he owed, among other +debts, six thousand dollars to sundry shops +and department stores in New York––the +purchases of his wife in the eight months +of their wedded life. I asked her how it +could have happened.</p> +<p>“‘He opened accounts for me and said +I could buy what I wanted, and you know +it is so easy to say “Charge it,’” was her +answer. ‘Every one has accounts these +days, and they tempt you to buy more +than you need.’</p> +<p>“‘It is true. Credit is the latest ally of +the devil. It is the great tempter. It is +responsible for half the extravagance of +modern life. The two words ‘charge it’ +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_116' name='page_116'></a>116</span> +have done more harm than any others in +the language. They have led to a vast +amount of unnecessary buying. They have +developed a talent for extravagance in our +people. They have created a large and +growing sisterhood and brotherhood of +dead-beats. They have led to bankruptcy +and slow pay and bad debts. They have +raised the cost of everything we require +because the tradesman compels us to pay +his uncollected accounts. They are added +to your bills and mine, and the merchant +prince suffers no impairment of his fortune.</p> +<p>“Bessie’s bank-account was also overdrawn. +That reminds me of a new sinner––the +bank-check. It is so easy to draw a +check––and, then, somehow, it’s only a piece +of paper. You let it go without a pang while +you would be very thoughtful if you were +counting out the money and parting with it.</p> +<p>“The check is another way of saying +‘Charge it.’</p> +<p>“That evening I went to see Harry.”</p> +<hr class='toprule' /> +<div class='chsp'> +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_117' name='page_117'></a>117</span> +<a name='XII_IN_WHICH_HARRY_IS_FORCED_TO_ABANDON_SWAMP_FICTION_AND_LIKE_FOLLIES_AND_TO_STUDY_THE_GEOGRAPHY_AND_NATIVES_OF_A_LAND_UNKNOWN_TO_OUR_HEIRISTOCRACY' id='XII_IN_WHICH_HARRY_IS_FORCED_TO_ABANDON_SWAMP_FICTION_AND_LIKE_FOLLIES_AND_TO_STUDY_THE_GEOGRAPHY_AND_NATIVES_OF_A_LAND_UNKNOWN_TO_OUR_HEIRISTOCRACY'></a> +<h2>XII</h2> +<h3>IN WHICH HARRY IS FORCED TO ABANDON SWAMP FICTION AND LIKE FOLLIES AND TO STUDY THE GEOGRAPHY AND NATIVES OF A LAND UNKNOWN TO OUR HEIRISTOCRACY</h3> +</div> +<p>“I found Harry smoking with Cub +Sayles in his den above stairs in the big +country-house of Henry Delance. As I +entered Harry said to his young friend:</p> +<p>“‘I have to talk over some things with +Mr. Potter––would you mind going down +to the library?’</p> +<p>“Cub withdrew, and Harry sat down with +me.</p> +<p>“‘I suppose you’ve seen him?’ he asked, +nervously.</p> +<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_118' name='page_118'></a>118</span></div> +<p>“‘Whom?’</p> +<p>“‘Why, you know a mysterious stranger +has been looking for me and––by Jove!––I’m +scared stiff. He’s an Englishman.’</p> +<p>“‘What of that?’</p> +<p>“‘Let me show you,’ said Harry.</p> +<p>“He took a key from his pocket, unlocked +a door, and fetched the familiar skull of +the Bishop of St. Clare and put it on the +table before me.</p> +<p>“‘It’s that damn Bishop’s head,’ he whispered. +‘It has come back––would you +believe it?––picked up by a fisherman on +the Irish coast and returned to the express +office in London. All the old directions +were quite legible on the box. “To Harry +Delance, SS. <i>Lusitania</i>. If not found, forward +to Pointview, Conn., U.S.A., charges +collect!” So it came on. I received a +notice and went down and got it out of +bond and paid three pounds, and here it is.’</p> +<p>“‘It looks as if the Bishop was out for +revenge,’ I said, with a laugh.</p> +<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_119' name='page_119'></a>119</span></div> +<p>“‘He’s got on my nerves and my conscience,’ +said Harry. ‘By Jove! he haunts +me. When I heard of this mysterious +Englishman to-day I got a chill.’</p> +<p>“‘You go buy yourself a small shovel +and a pocket light to-morrow,’ I suggested, +and at night go back in the hills with the +Bishop’s head and bury it.’</p> +<p>“‘And if I get into trouble I want you +to take care of me.’</p> +<p>“I made no answer. It didn’t seem +necessary, but I said: ‘There’s another +matter of which I have come to talk with +you. Our friend Roger is in trouble.’</p> +<p>“I told him the story of Roger’s downfall. +It got under his vest, and I added: +‘Now, Harry, it’s up to you to indulge in +some more philanthropy. You ought to +help him.’</p> +<p>“‘What––what can I do?’ he asked in +amazement.</p> +<p>“‘Lend him the money––twenty thousand +dollars. It isn’t all that the public +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_120' name='page_120'></a>120</span> +will charge against you on Roger’s account, +but it will do.’</p> +<p>“‘Harry sank in his chair and threw up +his hands as if grasping for a straw.</p> +<p>“‘It’s my whole allowance for the year,’ he +said, ‘and I couldn’t appeal to the Governor.’</p> +<p>“‘Nevertheless you ought to do it, for +Roger told me that it was your pace that +brought him where he is.’</p> +<p>“‘What an ass!’ Harry exclaimed, and +the old Bishop seemed to indorse his view. +‘By the blue beard of the Caliph, what am +I to do?’</p> +<p>“‘Pay it,’ I insisted.</p> +<p>“‘Pay it and die,’ he groaned. ‘I shall +have to do it somehow, but this kind of +thing is grinding me.’</p> +<p>“‘You can go to my ranch in Wyoming +and live on nothing for six months,’ I said. +‘When you get back I’ll lend you enough +to tide you over!</p> +<p>“‘I’ll do it,’ he said, as if it were the very +straw he had been reaching for.</p> +<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_121' name='page_121'></a>121</span></div> +<p>“Then he began to tell me of other +troubles. Marie had been decidedly cool +to Harry at the servants’ ball. Then he +had met her on the street, and she had +barely noticed him and hurried away, with +the young Reverend Robert Knowles at +her side. Harry was, fortunately, going +slow, but he had received internal injuries +and was suffering from shock.</p> +<p>“‘The old man is at the bottom of it,’ +I explained. ‘You gave him a dose from +the wrong bottle. It p’isoned him.’</p> +<p>“‘By Jove! What a prude he is!’ said +Harry. ‘Upon my word that is one of the +noblest books I ever read––contains a +great lesson, don’t you know? It takes +you straight to the heights.’</p> +<p>“‘Too straight,’ I said. ‘It turns out +for nothing. It crosses a morass to avoid +going around. When you reach the high +ground you are covered with mud and +slime. You need to be washed and disinfected, +and perhaps you’ve caught a +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_122' name='page_122'></a>122</span> +fever that will last as long as you live. +Many a boy and girl have got mired in +this swamp fiction that you enjoy so much. +There are many of us who prefer to go +around the swamp and keep on a decent +footing even if it takes longer.’</p> +<p>“‘We want to know all sides of life,’ said +Harry.</p> +<p>“‘And would you care to see the girl +you loved studying life in a brothel?’</p> +<p>“‘Well, really, you know, that’s different,’ +Harry stammered.</p> +<p>“‘But the fact is, her feet might as well +be in a brothel as her brain,’ I insisted. +‘She might shake the dust from her <i>feet</i>. +Harry, there’s one side of life that you +ought to study at once––the American side. +You’ve neglected the Western hemisphere +in your studies. When can you start for +the ranch?’</p> +<p>“‘Day after to-morrow––if you like. +This place is a dreadful bore.’</p> +<p>“‘Good! I’ll attend to the tickets to-day, +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_123' name='page_123'></a>123</span> +The cart, drag, and horses will be +all the better for a vacation, and the eyes of +the people are in need of rest.’</p> +<p>“‘The whole outfit is going to be sold,” +said Harry. ‘Idiots and the hoi polloi +have quite ruined the sport here. The +Governor is always poking fun at it, you +know, and it has made me so weary! One +can’t stand that kind of thing forever––can +he? I got after his helmet, battle-ax, +and family tree, by Jove! Our crested +chambermaids and bootblacks have been +a great help to me. What a noble band of +philanthropists! Father and I have made +an agreement. He is going to chuck the +battle-ax and saw the royal branches off +our family tree and I am going to sell the +drag, cart, and horses.’</p> +<p>“‘That’s a great treaty,’ I said. ‘The +settlement of the Alaskan frontier is not +more important than fixing the boundaries +of our social life. Let us surrender the tools +of idiocy; especially, let us abandon all +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_124' name='page_124'></a>124</span> +claim to the helmet and battle-ax. They’re +all right in their place, but they aren’t ours. +The plowshare and the pruning-hook are +our symbols.’</p> +<p>“‘By Jove! you know, the old Bishop of +St. Clare agrees with you exactly,’ said +Harry. ‘I’ve been reading his life and +writings, which I picked up in London, +and he’s about converted me to your way of +thinking. He hated “the glittering idleness” +of the rich and put industry above +elegance.’</p> +<p>“‘And he doesn’t intend that your +education shall be neglected––he’s looking +after you.’</p> +<p>“‘He’s as industrious as Destiny,’ said +the young man. ‘Did you know that Cub +Sayles is engaged?’</p> +<p>“‘To whom?’</p> +<p>“‘Mrs. Revere-Chalmers.’</p> +<p>“‘God rest his soul!’ I exclaimed.</p> +<p>“‘It’s just the thing for Cub,’ said +Harry. ‘He’s poor but presentable, and +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_125' name='page_125'></a>125</span> +has many extravagant tastes. She’s quite +a bit older than he, of course, but that isn’t +unusual.’</p> +<p>“‘I warned him long ago, knowing that +his folly would undo him. Now he will be +a captain of New Thought, King of the +Flub Dubs, advertising manager of the +Psychological Hair Factory, and inspector +of pimples.’</p> +<p>“‘But don’t you know that he will have +everything that he desires?’</p> +<p>“‘Except happiness.’</p> +<p>“‘Oh, I think that she is very fond of +him!’ said Harry. ‘She told me to-day +that he is the only man she ever loved, and +the dear old girl thinks that she won him +by concentration.’</p> +<p>“With this remark, made on the 20th of +May, Harry dropped out of the history of +Pointview until December.”</p> +<hr class='toprule' /> +<div class='chsp'> +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_126' name='page_126'></a>126</span> +<a name='XIII_IN_WHICH_THE_MINISTER_GETS_INTO_LOVE_AND_TROUBLE' id='XIII_IN_WHICH_THE_MINISTER_GETS_INTO_LOVE_AND_TROUBLE'></a> +<h2>XIII</h2> +<h3>IN WHICH THE MINISTER GETS INTO LOVE AND TROUBLE</h3> +</div> +<p>“Cub resigned his place in my office +next day, and confessed his purpose, +and I heard him with sober respect and +tried in every proper way to save him. It +wouldn’t work.</p> +<p>“The lines of panic had left the face of +Cub. The two-pound expression had departed +from it. The faintness of chaperons +would no longer imperil his comfort.</p> +<p>“‘A hundred and four pounds of candy +and twenty suppers, and all for nothing!’ +I exclaimed. ‘You ruin a girl’s digestion +and chuck her over. It isn’t fair.’</p> +<p>“‘But, sir, I found that I didn’t love +her,’ said Cub.</p> +<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_127' name='page_127'></a>127</span></div> +<p>“‘What a waste of violets, confectionery, +and crab-meat!’</p> +<p>“‘Yes, sir, in a way; but you see I had +to have my training in society,’ Cub declared.</p> +<p>“What was the use? Cub had no more +humor than a sewing-machine.</p> +<p>“‘The wedding day drew on apace, and +just before its arrival a notorious weekly +in New York gave the lady a drubbing. +Certain circumstances that made her first +marriage unhappy were plainly hinted at. +The town shuddered with amazement. +Cub stood pat, but the Episcopal minister +refused to marry them. The Baptist minister +balked. It looked like a postponement, +but the knot was tied, on schedule +time, by the Reverend Robert Knowles. +That made no end of talk, and a small +party of insurgents left his church. Deacon +Benson was on the point of pulling out, and +swore so much about it that I advised him +to hang on for his own sake.</p> +<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_128' name='page_128'></a>128</span></div> +<p>“‘But there ain’t much to hang on to,’ +said the Deacon.</p> +<p>“‘Mrs. Revere-Chalmers-Sayles held a +mortgage on the property of the Baptist +Society of Pointview, and asked me to foreclose +it.</p> +<p>“‘I have another mortgage on the Congregational +church, and they’re behind +in their interest, but I’m not going to push +them,’ she said to me.</p> +<p>“So young Mr. Knowles had acted from +motives of business prudence, and was not +much at fault. The old church had ceased +to live within its means and had entered +the ‘charge it’ van, and was trying to serve +two masters.</p> +<p>“Betsey and I paid both mortgages and +threw them in the fire.</p> +<p>“Young Mr. Knowles came to see us +with Marie, and brought the thanks of the +parish. They were a good-looking couple.</p> +<p>“This minister of the First Congregational +Church of Pointview now aspired +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_129' name='page_129'></a>129</span> +to be the prime minister of its first heiress. +Their acquaintance, which had begun in +the arrangements for the servants’ ball, +had grown in warmth and intimacy as soon +as Harry had gone. Robert began to take +after Marie, with muffler open and all the +gas on. He was a swell of a parson––utterly +damned with good-fortune. Had an income +from the estate of his father, a call +from on high, a crest from Charlemagne, +diplomas from college and the seminary, a +fine figure, red cheeks, and ‘heavenly eyes.’ +As to his fatal gift of beauty, the young +ladies were of one mind. They agreed, +also, about the cut of his garments, that +were changed several times a day.</p> +<p>“A dashing, masculine, head-punching +spirit might have saved him with all his +ballast, but he didn’t have it. The Reverend +Robert was a good fellow to everybody––a +fairly sound-hearted, decent, handsome +fellow, but not a man. To be that, +one has to know things at first +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_130' name='page_130'></a>130</span> +hand––especially work and trouble. He was a +second-hand, school-made thinker. His doctrines +came out of the books, but his conduct +was mildly modern. He danced and +smoked a little, and played bridge and golf, +and made his visits in a handsome motor-car.</p> +<p>“Marie liked the young man, and she +and her mother rode and tramped about +with him almost every day of that summer. +Deacon Joe showed signs of faintness when +he spoke of him.</p> +<p>“One day I went up to the Benson homestead +and found the old man sitting on his +piazza alone.</p> +<p>“‘Where’s Marie?’ I asked.</p> +<p>“‘Off knocking around with the minister,’ +said Deacon Joe, in a voice frail with contempt.</p> +<p>“‘She might be in worse company,’ +I suggested.</p> +<p>“‘Maybe,’ he snapped.</p> +<p>“‘What’s the matter with the minister?’</p> +<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_131' name='page_131'></a>131</span></div> +<p>“‘Nothing,’ said the old man, with a +chuckle. ‘He’s a complete gentleman, complete! +So plaguy beautiful that he’s a kind +of a girl’s plaything. He couldn’t milk a +cow or dig a hill o’ potatoes. Acts kind o’ +faint an’ sickly to me.’</p> +<p>“The Deacon thoughtfully stirred the +roots of his beard with the fingers of his +right hand, and went on with a squint and +a feeble tone which he seemed to think +best suited to his subject.</p> +<p>“‘Talks so low you can hardly hear him. +I have to set with my hand to my ear every +Sunday to make out what he’s sayin’, +an’ he prays as if he had the lung fever. +Talks o’ hell as though it was a quart o’ +cold molasses. That’s one reason we ain’t +no respect for it in this community. Ay––’es! +That’s the reason.’</p> +<p>“He squinted his face thoughtfully and +resumed with more energy.</p> +<p>“‘I like to hear a man get up on his +hind legs and holler as they used to––by +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_132' name='page_132'></a>132</span> +gravy! Ye can’t scare anybody by whispers. +Damn it, sir, what we need is an +old-fashioned revival.’</p> +<p>“The Deacon halted to take a chew of +tobacco, and went on, with a sorrowful +calmness:</p> +<p>“‘Now this young feller don’t want to +give no credit to God––not a bit––no, sir! +Science has done everything. I’ve noticed +it time an’ ag’in. T’other Sunday he said +that an angel spoke to Moses, an’ the Bible +says, as plain as A B C, that God spoke to +him. How can he expect that God is +going to bless his ministry, an’ he never +givin’ Him any credit?’</p> +<p>“‘It’s rather bad politics, anyhow,’ I +said.</p> +<p>“‘An’ the church is goin’ from bad to +worse,’ he complained. ‘The average attendance +is about forty-seven, an’ it used to +be between five an’ six hundred, an’ we +are all taxed to death to keep it goin’. I +have to pay three hundred a year for the +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_133' name='page_133'></a>133</span> +privilege o’ gittin’ mad every Sunday. +Two or three of us have got after him an’ +made him promise to do better. Some +awful free-minded folks have crept into +the church, an’ the fact is, we need their +money,’ Deacon Joe went on. ‘What the +minister ought to do is stick to the old +doctrines that are safe an’ sound. ‘St’id o’ +that he’s tryin’ to sail ’twixt rock an’ reef.’</p> +<p>“‘Between Scylla and Charybdis,’ I +suggested.</p> +<p>“‘Between Silly an’ what?’ the old man +asked, as if in doubt of my meaning.</p> +<p>“We were interrupted by the arrival +of the Reverend Robert with Marie and her +mother, in his handsome landaulet. Marie +asked me to go with her to gather wild +flowers in a bit of woodland not far away. +I went, and soon saw her purpose. She +had had the ‘jolliest, cutest letter from +Harry’ that she had ever read, and seemed +to be in doubt as to whether she ought to +let him write to her.</p> +<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_134' name='page_134'></a>134</span></div> +<p>“‘Has your grandfather forbidden it?’ +I asked.</p> +<p>“‘No.’</p> +<p>“‘Then it’s up to you,’ I said.</p> +<p>“‘Do you think he cares for me?’</p> +<p>“‘I should think him a fool if he didn’t,’ +I said, looking down into her lovely dark +eyes.</p> +<p>“‘But do you really and truly think that +he cares for me?’ she insisted.</p> +<p>“‘I suspect that he does.’</p> +<p>“‘Why?’</p> +<p>“‘A lawyer must not betray a confidence.’</p> +<p>“‘Do you like him?’</p> +<p>“‘Wait until his uneducation is completed, +and I’ll tell you. I am beginning to +have hope for Harry.’</p> +<p>“‘I’m sorry grandpapa is so hateful!’ +she exclaimed, with a sigh.</p> +<p>“I stood up for the old man and asked:</p> +<p>“‘Do you like the Reverend Robert?’</p> +<p>“‘Very much! He’s so good-looking, +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_135' name='page_135'></a>135</span> +and has such beautiful thoughts! Have +you heard him preach?’</p> +<p>“‘No.’</p> +<p>“‘We think his sermons are fine. Everybody +likes them but grandpapa. He wants +noise, you know––lung power and old +theology. I hate it!’</p> +<p>“‘He doesn’t take to Robert?’</p> +<p>“‘No; he calls him a calf. Nobody is +good enough for me, you know. He’d like +me to marry some man with a hoe, who +would take me to church and Sunday school +every sabbath morning, and for a +walk to the cemetery in the afternoon, and +down to the prayer-meeting every Wednesday +night, and on a journey from Genesis +to Revelations once a year. It’s too much +to expect of a human being. Then the +hoes are in the hands of Poles, Slavs, and +Italians. So what am I to do?’</p> +<p>“‘Well, you are young––you can afford +to wait a while,’ I said.</p> +<p>“‘But not until I am old and all withered +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_136' name='page_136'></a>136</span> +up. I am going to marry the man I love +within a year or so, if he has the good sense +to ask me. Don’t you ever go to church?’</p> +<p>“‘No,’ I said.</p> +<p>“‘Why not?’</p> +<p>“I tried to think. There were the +ministers––two boys and three old men––dried +beef and veal! Not to my knowledge +had a single one of them ever expressed an +idea. They were seen, but not felt. The +Church! Why, certainly, it was founded +on the sweetness, strength, and sanity of +a great soul. I had almost forgotten that. +It had grown feeble. It had got its fortunes +entangled in psychological hair. It +should have been correcting the follies of +the people––their selfishness, their sinful +pride, their extravagance, their loss of honor +and humanity. Had I not seen, in the case +of Harry and his followers, how the Church +had failed in its work? Ought it not to +have sought and saved them long ago––saved +them from needless disaster? It +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_137' name='page_137'></a>137</span> +should have been appealing to their consciences. +If appeals had failed it should +have stung them with ridicule or raised +a voice like that of Christ against the +Pharisees. The Church! Why, it was living, +not in the present, but in the past. Here +in Pointview the Church itself had become +one of the greatest follies of the time.</p> +<p>“‘I want you to go next Sunday and hear +Mr. Knowles, as a favor to me––won’t +you?’ Marie asked.</p> +<p>“‘Yes,’ I said. ‘In the next five Sundays +I shall go to every Protestant church in +Pointview. I want to know what they’re +doing. I shall put aside my scruples and +go.’”</p> +<hr class='toprule' /> +<div class='chsp'> +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_138' name='page_138'></a>138</span> +<a name='XIV_IN_WHICH_SOCRATES_DISCOVERS_A_NEW_FOLLY' id='XIV_IN_WHICH_SOCRATES_DISCOVERS_A_NEW_FOLLY'></a> +<h2>XIV</h2> +<h3>IN WHICH SOCRATES DISCOVERS A NEW FOLLY</h3> +</div> +<p>“Well, I went and saw the Reverend +Robert Knowles sail between ‘Silly +and Charybdis.’ He bumped on both +sides, but did it rather gracefully. He reviewed +the career of Samuel, who lived and +died some thousands of years ago. The +miraculous touch of Carlyle or Macaulay +might easily have failed in the task of reviving +a man so thoroughly dead. But +the Reverend Robert entered this unequal +contest with no evidence of alarm. The +dead man prevailed. The power of his long +sleep fell upon us. My head grew heavy. +I felt my weight bearing down upon the +cushions. A stiffness came into my bones.</p> +<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_139' name='page_139'></a>139</span></div> +<p>“On our way to church Betsey had +placed the young minister in my thoughts. +The trustees had reckoned that he would +revive the interest of the young people in +Sunday worship; and he did, but it was +the worship of youth and beauty.</p> +<p>“Well, the other churches were emptier +than ever, and so the spiritual life of the +community was in no way improved. In +fact, I guess it had been a little embittered +by the new conditions. As soon as it became +known that Marie had won the prize +of his favor the other girls had returned to +their native altars, having discovered that +the new minister was vain, worldly, and +conceited.</p> +<p>“Lettie Davis, who had made a dead set +at him, had been strongly convinced of +that as soon as he began to show a preference +for Marie, and the Davis family +had left the church and gone over to the +Methodists. The young man had been +filled with alarm. He feared it would +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_140' name='page_140'></a>140</span> +wreck the church. That old ship of the +faith was leaky and iron-sick, and down +by the head and heel, as they say at sea. +She rolled if one got off or on her.</p> +<p>“Such was the condition of things when +we entered the church of my fathers. We +sat down in the Potter pew a few minutes +before the service began. There were, by +actual count, forty-nine people gathered +around the altar of the old church, and behind +us a great emptiness and the ghosts +of the dead. In my boyhood I had sat +in its dim light, with six hundred people +filling every seat to the doors and a man of +power and learning in the pulpit.</p> +<p>“Faces long forgotten were there in those +pews––old faces, young faces. How many +thousands had left its altar to find distant +homes or to go on their last journey to that +nearer one in the churchyard! My heart +was full and ready for strong meat, but none +came to me. The moment of silence had +been something rare––like an old Grecian +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_141' name='page_141'></a>141</span> +vase wonderfully wrought. Then, suddenly, +the singing fell upon us and broke +the silence into ruins. It was in the nature +of a breach of the peace. There are two +kinds of people who ought to be gently but +firmly restrained: the person that talks too +much and the person that sings too much.</p> +<p>“This young minister undoubtedly meant +well. He’s about the kind of a chap that +I’ve seen in law-offices working for fifteen +dollars a week––industrious, zealous, and +able up to a point, and all right under +supervision. He can be trusted to handle +a small case with intelligence and judgment. +But I wouldn’t go to him for instruction +in philosophy; and if I wished to +relay the foundation of my life I should, +naturally, consult some other person. As +one might expect, he had searched the cellars +of theology for canned goods, and with +extraordinary success.</p> +<p>“The young man had so lately arrived +in this world he couldn’t be expected to +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_142' name='page_142'></a>142</span> +know much about its affairs, and especially +about those of Samuel. It was graceful +and decorous elocution. The Deacon expressed +his opinion of it in snores, and I +longed to follow suit.</p> +<p>“The sermon ended with a dramatic +recitation, and on our way out the minister +met us at the door.</p> +<p>“‘You must manage to keep these people +awake,’ I suggested to him.</p> +<p>“‘How am I to do it?’ he asked.</p> +<p>“‘Well, you might have a corps of pin-stickers +carefully distributed in the pews, +or you could put the pins in your sermon. +I recommend the latter.’</p> +<p>“We went away with a sense of injury.</p> +<p>“‘Let’s keep trying,’ said Betsey, ‘until +you find some one you would care to hear. +I would feel at home in any of our churches. +These days there’s no essential difference between +Congregationalists, Baptists, Methodists, +Presbyterians, and Episcopalians. +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_143' name='page_143'></a>143</span> +I’ve talked with all of them, and their differences +are dead and gone. They stand +in the printed creeds, but are no longer in +the hearts of the people.’</p> +<p>“‘Then why all these empty churches?’ +I asked. ‘Why don’t the people get together +in one great church?’</p> +<p>“‘Don’t talk about the millennium,’ +said Betsey. ‘We must try to make the +best of what we have.’</p> +<p>“Well, in the next four Sundays we went +from church to church to get strength for +our souls, and found only weakness and disappointment. +Immune from ridicule and +satire, the sacred inefficiency of our pulpit +had waxed and grown and taken possession +of the churches. And one thought came to +me as I listened. There should be a number +of exits to every Christian church, +plainly marked: ‘To be used in case of fire.’ +Ancient history, dead philosophy, sophomoric +periods, bad music, empty pews, weary +groups of the faithful longing for home, +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_144' name='page_144'></a>144</span> +were, in brief, the things that we saw and +heard. It was pathetic.</p> +<p>“I began to think about it. Here were +five church organizations, all weak, infirm, +begging, struggling for life. The automobile +and the golf and yacht clubs had +nearly finished the work of destruction +which incompetence had so ably begun. +There was not much left of them; yet their +combined property was worth about one +hundred thousand dollars. They spent in +the aggregate fifty-six hundred dollars for +ministers’ salaries, and their total average +attendance was only four hundred and forty-nine. +I could see no more extravagant +waste of time, work, and capital in any +other branch of human effort. Some would +call it wicked, but, though we speak with the +tongues of men and of angels, and have not +charity, we had better have kept still.</p> +<p>“The Reverend Mr. Knowles came to +me within a day or two and apologized +for his sermon. He complained that he +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_145' name='page_145'></a>145</span> +couldn’t be himself––that he didn’t dare +speak his thoughts.</p> +<p>“‘Whose thoughts do you speak?’ I +asked.</p> +<p>“‘Well, I trail along in the wake of the +fathers.’</p> +<p>“‘Then you are feeding your flock on +corned and kippered thoughts––on the dried +and dug-up convictions of the dead. It isn’t +fair. It isn’t even honest. The church +here is dying of anemia for want of fresh +food. The new world must have new +thought to fit new conditions. Its outlook +has been utterly changed. If a man who +had never seen a locomotive or a motor-car +or a tandem or a telephone or an +electric light or the sons and daughters of a +new millionaire or the home and crest of +the same or a bill of a modern merchant +were to come down out of the backwoods +and try to tell us how to run the world, we +should think him an ass, and wisely. Consider +how these things have changed the +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_146' name='page_146'></a>146</span> +spirit of man and surrounded it with new +perils.’</p> +<p>“‘But think of the old fellows––the mossbacks––who +hate your new philosophy,’ +said the minister.</p> +<p>“‘And think of the young fellows who are +so easily tossed about. The moss of senility +is covering the bloom of youth and the +honor of youth.’”</p> +<hr class='toprule' /> +<div class='chsp'> +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_147' name='page_147'></a>147</span> +<a name='XV_IN_WHICH_HARRY_RETURNS_TO_POINTVIEW_AND_GOES_TO_WORK' id='XV_IN_WHICH_HARRY_RETURNS_TO_POINTVIEW_AND_GOES_TO_WORK'></a> +<h2>XV</h2> +<h3>IN WHICH HARRY RETURNS TO POINTVIEW AND GOES TO WORK</h3> +</div> +<p>“Betsey and I were giving a dinner-party +at our house. Mr. and Mrs. +Henry Delance and the Warburtons and +Dan and Lizzie had come over to discuss +a plan for the correction of the greatest +folly and extravagance in the village––namely, +the waste of its spiritual energy.</p> +<p>“At first we had to discuss a fact related +to another folly, for the Delances told how +Harry’s pet collie had come up to the back +door that day with a human skull in his +mouth. Of course I knew that Harry’s +Bishop had returned, but held my peace +about it. To them it had suggested murder, +and they had consulted the chief of police.</p> +<div class='figtag'> +<a name='linki_6' id='linki_6'></a> +</div> +<div class='figcenter'> +<img src='images/illus-148.jpg' alt='' title='' width='429' height='662' /><br /> +<p class='caption'> +“HARRY’S PET COLLIE HAD COME UP TO THE BACK DOOR WITH A HUMAN SKULL IN HIS MOUTH”<br /> +</p> +</div> +<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_148' name='page_148'></a>148</span></div> +<p>“‘How do you know that it is not one of +your ancestors dug up in a back pasture,’ +I said.</p> +<p>“‘It might be William the Conqueror,’ +Lizzie remarked.</p> +<p>“‘I deny it,’ said Delance, in perfect +good nature. ‘We have resigned from +William’s family. As a matter of fact, I +never joined it.’</p> +<p>“I congratulated him.</p> +<p>“‘It has always seemed like the merest +poppycock to me––this genealogical craze +of the ladies,’ said Henry. ‘When our +London solicitor wrote that it would take +another hundred pounds to establish the +connection beyond a doubt, he gave away +the whole scheme, and I resigned. It was +too silly. In these days of titled chambermaids +I think we shall worry along pretty +well without William.’</p> +<p>“Then Betsey said: ‘I was reading in +the county history to-day that old Zebulon +Delance, who was killed in a fight with +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_149' name='page_149'></a>149</span> +Indians in 1750, was buried in a meadow +back of his house.’</p> +<p>“‘It may be the skull of old Zeb,’ said Henry.</p> +<p>“‘Now there’s an ancestor worth having,’ +I suggested.</p> +<p>“‘I wonder if it can belong to old Zeb,’ +Henry mused.</p> +<p>“At last we got to my plan. I pictured +the condition of the community as I saw +it, and the inefficiency of the church and the +need of a new and active power in Pointview.</p> +<p>“I proposed that we buy the old skating-rink +and remodel it, employ the best talent +in America, and start a new center of power +in the community––a power that should, +first of all, keep us sane, and then as decent +as possible. The mathematics of the enterprise +were at my fingers’ ends:</p> +<table summary=''><tr><td> +<p class='cg'>“Initial Expenses $15,000<br /> +“Annual Outlay for Instruction 8,000<br /> +“For Music 3,500<br /> +“For Maintenance 1,000<br /> +“For Management 3,500</p> +</td></tr></table> +<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_150' name='page_150'></a>150</span></div> +<p>“It was no small matter, but the initial expense +and the first year’s outlay were subscribed +in ten minutes. Betsey set the ball rolling +with an offer of ten thousand dollars, and +then it was like shaking ripe apples off a tree.</p> +<p>“‘Who is to be the manager?’ Delance +wanted to know. ‘It’s a big job.’</p> +<p>“‘I propose that we try Harry,’ I said; +‘in my opinion it will interest him. I’ve +had him in training for a year or so, and +he’s about ready for big work.’</p> +<p>“‘I don’t believe Harry can do it,’ his +father declared.</p> +<p>“‘I should think it might not be to his +taste,’ said Bill Warburton.</p> +<p>“‘But I have later and better information +than the rest of you,’ I said. ‘If you +will leave the matter in my hands you may +hold me responsible for the results.’</p> +<p>“They gave me the white card. I could +do as I liked. The fact is, I had just had a +letter from Harry which filled me with new +hope. I have it here.”</p> +<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_151' name='page_151'></a>151</span></div> +<p>The Honorable Socrates Potter took +the letter from his pocket and said:</p> +<p>“You see, Harry has been discovering +America. He is the Columbus of our +heiristocracy. His mental map has been +filled with great cities and splendid hotels, +and thrifty towns and enormous areas of +wheat and corn, and astonishing distances +and sublime mountain scenes. Moreover, +he has learned the joys of a simple life; he +had to. Of course, he knew of these things, +but feebly and without pride, as one knows +the Tetons who has never seen them. +Leaving in May, he stopped in all the big +cities, and finished his journey from the +railroad with a stage-ride of some ninety +miles. Of the stage-ride and other matters, +he writes thus:</p> +<p>“‘On the front seat with the driver sat +a lady smoking a cigar, who, now and then, +offered us a drink from a bottle. At her +side was a lady with a wooden leg, and a hen +in her hand. You know every woman is a +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_152' name='page_152'></a>152</span> +lady out here. The driver swore at the +horses, the hen swore at the lady, and +several of the passengers swore at each +other, and it was all done in the most +amiable spirit. Two rough-necks sat beside +me who kept shooting with revolvers +at sage-hens as they––the men, not the hens––irrigated +the tires with tobacco-juice. +At the next stop I got into a row with a +one-eyed professor of elocution, because he +said I carried too much for the size of my +mule, an’ didn’t speak proper. He objected +to my pronunciation, and I to his choice +of words. In the argument his revolver +took sides with him. I got one of my toes +lopped with a bullet, and the lady who +carried the cigar and the bottle took me +to her home and nursed me like a mother, +and the lady with the wooden leg brought +me strawberries every day and sang to me +and told me some good stories. I had +thought it was a God-forsaken country, but, +you see, I was wrong. There’s more real +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_153' name='page_153'></a>153</span> +practical Christianity among these people +than I ever saw before, and it’s hard work +to be an ass here. The way of the ass is +full of trouble, and I begin to understand +why you wanted me to come out to Wyoming. +The people are rough, but as kind +as angels. Felt like turning back, but these +women put new heart in me, especially the +wooden-legged one.</p> +<p>“‘“We don’t like parlor talk out here,” +she said; “it ain’t considered good ettikit. +Folks don’t mind a little, but if it goes too +fur it’s considered insultin’ an’ everybody +begins to speak to ye like he was talkin’ +to a balky mule.”</p> +<p>“‘I went on as soon as I was able, and +spent the whole summer on the back of a +cayuse. Got lost in the mountains; went +hungry and cold like the wolf, as Garland +puts it, for three days; had to think my way +back to camp. It was the best schooling +in geography and logic and American +humanity that I ever had. Every man at +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_154' name='page_154'></a>154</span> +the ranch, and the women, had been out +hunting for me. I offered them money, +but they woudn’t take a cent––the joy +of seeing me was enough. They haven’t +a smitch of the revolting money-hunger +of the average European. With all its +faults I am proud of my country. I want +you to find a good, big American job for +me.</p> +<p>“‘I have been reading the Bishop of +St. Clare, who says: “There hath been more +energy expended in swaggering about with +full bellies and a burden of needless fat than +would move the island to the main shore. +If thy purse be used to buy immunity from +work, it secureth immunity from manhood; +and what is a man without manhood?”</p> +<p>“‘There is the American idea for you.</p> +<p>“‘Deacon Joe has got to change his mind +about me. Marie has only written me +one letter, and that was a frost. If you +have any influence with the girl, don’t let +her get engaged to that parson.’</p> +<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_155' name='page_155'></a>155</span></div> +<p>Socrates laughed as he put the letter +away, and went on:</p> +<p>“Well, Harry came back, browned and +brawny, with his cayuse, saddle, and +sombrero, and a shooting-iron half as long +as my arm.</p> +<p>“He came here for a talk with me the +day after his arrival. The subject of a lifework +was pressing on him.</p> +<p>“‘Have you seen Zeb?’ was his first +query.</p> +<p>“‘Zeb?’ I asked. ‘Who is Zeb?’</p> +<p>“‘That dear old, irrepressible bishop,’ +said Harry. ‘They have dug him up and +named him Zeb, and put him on a top shelf +in the library. They think he is one of our +great-grandfathers.’</p> +<p>“‘Oh, he has been promoted,’ I remarked.</p> +<p>“Harry went on:</p> +<p>“‘My dog is responsible for the reappearance +of the bishop. I took him with +me that night, and he knew where to find +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_156' name='page_156'></a>156</span> +it. Father is sure that it’s the head of +old Zeb Delance.’</p> +<p>“‘Let the Bishop rest where he is,’ I +suggested. ‘Now that he has converted +you, he will probably let up. At least, let +us hope that he will not worry you. Of +course he will remind you of past follies +every time you look at him, but that will +do you no harm.’</p> +<p>“‘Oh, I couldn’t forget him! Father +has been reading up on Zeb, and he does +nothing but talk about him. He has learned +that the Indians buried the head and burned +the body of a victim.’</p> +<p>“‘He symbolizes the change in your taste. +Zeb was a man of action––a worker. What +do you propose to do now?’</p> +<p>“‘Well, I have thought some of following +Dan into agriculture.’</p> +<p>“‘Don’t,’ was my answer. ‘You’re not +the type for that kind of a job. Dan was +brought up to work with his hands. I fear +that you would be a Fifth Avenue farmer.’</p> +<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_157' name='page_157'></a>157</span></div> +<p>“‘Well, what would you say to a plant +for the manufacture of aeroplanes? I +stopped at Dayton and looked into the +matter, and learned to fly. I have ordered +a biplane, and it will be delivered in the +spring.’</p> +<p>“I vetoed that plan, and asked where he +proposed to settle.</p> +<p>“‘Right here––if possible,’ said Harry.</p> +<p>“‘Good! There’s one thing about your +family tree that I like, and you ought to be +proud of it. Your forebears, having been +treated with shameless oppression, came to +these inhospitable shores in 1630. They +needn’t have done it if they had been willing +to knuckle down and say they liked crow +when they didn’t. They wouldn’t do that, +so they left the old sod and ventured forth +in a little sailing-vessel on the mighty deep. +It required some courage to do that. They +landed safely, and for nearly three hundred +years their descendants have lived and +worked and suffered all manner of hardships +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_158' name='page_158'></a>158</span> +in New England. It’s a proper thing, +Harry, that you should do your work +where, mostly, they did their work––in +dear old Connecticut.’</p> +<p>“‘And besides, it’s the home of Marie,’ +he said.</p> +<p>“‘And let us consider what there is to be +done in the home of Marie,’ I went on. +‘Here in the very town where so many of +your fathers have lived and worked we +find a singular parade of folly. The idle +rich from a near city are closing in upon us. +Many of the Yankees have acquired property +and ceased to work. Back in the +distant hills they toil not, but live from +hand to mouth in a pitiful state of degeneration. +The work of the hand is almost entirely +that of Italians, Poles, Hungarians, +and Greeks.</p> +<p>“‘Our tradesmen have a low code of +honor. They overcharge us for the necessities +of life. Many of them have been +caught cheating. Our wives and sons and +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_159' name='page_159'></a>159</span> +daughters are living beyond their means, as +if ignorant of the fact that it is the beginning +of dishonesty. Our poverty is +mostly that of the soul. The churches are +dying, and the sabbath is dead. What we +need is a return to the honor, sanity, and +common sense of old New England, which +gave of its fullness to the land we love. +Let’s start a school of old-fashioned decency +and Americanism. Let’s call it the Church +of All Faiths and make it a center of power.’</p> +<p>“I laid the scheme before him in all its +details, and then––</p> +<p>“‘I’m with you,’ he said, ‘and I think I +can see Knowles moving and Deacon Joe +coming down off his high horse.’</p> +<p>“‘Possibly we could use Knowles,’ I suggested. +‘There’ll be a lot of detail.’</p> +<p>“‘But only as a kind of clerk,’ said Harry.</p> +<p>“As a kind of clerk, I agreed. ‘We shall +need a number of clerks. I intend that +every family within ten miles shall be +visited at least once a week. We shall not +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_160' name='page_160'></a>160</span> +only let our light shine, but we shall make it +shine into every human heart in this community. +If they’re too callous we’ll punch +a hole with our trusty blade and let the +light in. The lantern and the rapier shall +be our weapons.’</p> +<p>“Harry was full of enthusiasm. He had +met Marie on the street, and she was glad +to learn that he was going to work.</p> +<p>“‘Incidentally, I hope to win your grandfather’s +consent,’ he had said to her.</p> +<p>“And she had answered: ‘If you could +do that I should think you were an extremely +able young man.’</p> +<p>“‘And worthy of the best girl living?’ +Harry had urged.</p> +<p>“‘That’s too extravagant,’ Marie had +said as she left him.</p> +<p>“Harry went to work with me at once. +He bought the rink and the ground beneath +it and some more alongside. We spent +days and nights with an architect making +and remaking the plans, and by and by +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_161' name='page_161'></a>161</span> +we knew that we were right. Soon the contractor +began his work, and in three months +we had finished the most notable meeting-house +of modern times.</p> +<p>“The walls were tinted a rich cream color, +the woodwork was painted white. There +were new carpets in the aisles, and between +them comfortable seats for nine hundred +people. The fine old pulpit from which +Jonathan Edwards had preached his first +sermon was the center of a little garden +of ferns and palms and vines and mosses, +all growing in good ground, with a small +fountain in their midst––a symbol of purity. +A great sheet of plate glass behind the +pulpit showed a thicket of evergreens. +High above the pulpit was another big +sheet of glass, through which one got a +broad view of the sky, and it was framed +in these words: ‘The heavens declare the +glory of God and the firmament showeth +his handiwork.’</p> +<p>“The walls were adorned with handsome +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_162' name='page_162'></a>162</span> +pictures loaned by my friends. On one +wall were these modern commandments, +most of which were gleaned from the +masterly volume entitled <i>The Life and +Writings of Robert Delance, Bishop of St. +Clare</i>, which Harry had found in a London +bookstore:</p> +<p>“1. ‘Be grateful unto God, for He hath +given thee life, time, and this beautiful +world. Other things thou shalt find for +thyself.’</p> +<p>“2. ‘Be brave with thy life, for it is very +long.’</p> +<p>“3. ‘Waste no time, for thy time is very +little.’</p> +<p>“4. ‘See that this world is the better for +thy work and kindness.’</p> +<p>“5. ‘Doubt not the truth of that thy +senses tell thee, for thy God is no deceiver.’</p> +<p>“6. ‘Love the truth and live it, for no one +is long deceived by lying.’</p> +<p>“7. ‘Give not unto the beast and neglect +thy brother.’</p> +<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_163' name='page_163'></a>163</span></div> +<p>“8. ‘Go find thy brothers in the world +and see that these be many, for a man’s +strength and happiness are multiplied by +the number of his brothers.’</p> +<p>“9. ‘Beware lest thy wealth come between +thee and them and tend to thine own +poverty and theirs.’</p> +<p>“10. ‘Suffer little children to come unto +thee, for of such is the kingdom of heaven.’</p> +<p>“The simple-hearted old Bishop had just +the philosophy we needed. It seemed to +have been carefully designed to meet the inventiveness +of the modern sinner. He was +turning out well and had already exerted a +wholesome influence on the character of +Harry. Would that all ancestors were as +well chosen!</p> +<p>“We did not wish to hinder the other +churches, and that spirit went into all our +plans. First, then, we decided that our +services should begin at twelve o’clock +every Sunday, and close at one or before +twenty minutes after one. That gave our +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_164' name='page_164'></a>164</span> +parishioners a chance to go to the other +churches if they wanted to. I traveled +from Boston to St. Louis, and returned <i>via</i> +Washington, to engage talent for our pulpit. +I wanted the best that this land afforded, +and was prepared to pay its price. I engaged +nine ministers, distinguished for +eloquence and learning, three Governors, +the Mayor of a Western city, two United +States Senators, one Congressman, and a Justice +of the Supreme Court of the land. They +were all great-souled men, who had shown +in word and action a touch of the spirit +of Jesus Christ. Some of them had been +throwing light into dark places and driving +money-changers from the temple and casting +out devils. They were all qualified to +enlighten and lift up our souls.</p> +<p>“I asked that their lessons should be +drawn from the lives of the modern prophets––Abraham +Lincoln, Silas Wright, Daniel +Webster, Charles Sumner, Henry Clay, +Noah Webster, George William Curtis, +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_165' name='page_165'></a>165</span> +Ralph Waldo Emerson, Sidney Lanier, +Horace Greeley, and others like them. What +I sought most was an increase of the love +of honor and the respect for industry in our +young men and women. Holiness was a +thing for later consideration, it seemed to +me.</p> +<p>“I put a full-page advertisement in each +local paper, which read about as follows:</p> +<p>“‘The Church of All Faiths.</p> +<p>“‘Built especially for sinners and for +good people who wish to be better.</p> +<p>“‘Will begin its work in this community +Sunday, June 19th, at twelve o’clock, with +a sermon by Socrates Potter, Esq., of +Pointview, in which he will set forth his +view of what a church should do, and an +account of what this church proposes to do, +for its parishioners. Other churches are +cordially invited to worship, and to work +with us for the good of Pointview.’</p> +<p>“The curiosity of all the people had been +whetted to a keen edge. They had begged +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_166' name='page_166'></a>166</span> +for information, but Betsey and I had said +that they should know all about it in due +time. I had given my plan to the contributors +only, and they were to keep still +about it.</p> +<p>“Sometimes silence is the best advertisement, +and certain men who seem to be so +modest that they are shocked by the least +publicity are the greatest advertisers in the +world. The man who hides his candle under +a bushel is apt to be the one whose +candle is best known. So it happened +with us. Nine hundred and sixteen people +filled the seats in our church that morning by +twelve o’clock, and two hundred more were +trying to get in.</p> +<p>“At the next service an honored minister +whose soul is even greater than his fame +preached for us, and that week a petition +came to me, signed by six hundred citizens, +complaining that the hour was inconvenient, +and asking that it be changed to 10.30 +<span class='smcap'>A.M.</span> I believe in the voice of the people, +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_167' name='page_167'></a>167</span> +and obeyed it; but I knew what would +happen, and it did. The other churches +were deserted and silent. One by one +their ministers came to see me––all save +one old gentleman in whom the brimstone +of wrath had begun to burn more fiercely. +We needed and were glad to have the help +of two of them. There were the sick and +the poor to be visited; there were weddings +and funerals and countless details in the +organization of the new church to be attended +to.</p> +<p>“I ought to tell you that a curious and +unexpected thing had happened. Fisherfolk, +street gamins, caddies, loafers on the +docks and in the livery stables, millionaires +and million-heiresses––people who had +thought themselves either above or below +religion––came to our meetings. Each resembled +in numbers a political rally.</p> +<p>“We have started an improvement school +for Sunday evenings, in which the great +story is told in lectures and fine photographs +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_168' name='page_168'></a>168</span> +thrown on a screen. And not only +the great story, but any story calculated +to inspire and enlighten the youthful mind. +The best of the world’s work and art and +certain of the great novels will be presented +in this way. I am going to get +the great men of the world to give us +three-minute sermons on the phonograph. +Thus I hope to make it possible for our +people to hear the voices and sentiments +of kings, presidents, premiers, statesmen, +and prophets––the men and women who are +making history.</p> +<p>“We have started a small country club +where poor boys and girls can enjoy billiards, +bowling, golf, and tennis. Any boy or +girl in this town who has a longing for +better things is sought and found by our +ministers, and all kinds of encouragement +are offered. People and clergy of almost +every faith that is known here in Pointview +are working side by side for one purpose. +Think of that! The revolution has been +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_169' name='page_169'></a>169</span> +complete and mainly peaceful. As to the +expense of it all, we tax the rich, and for +the rest we temper the wind to the length +of their wool.</p> +<p>“Of course, there were certain people +who didn’t like it, and among them was +Deacon Joe. He and four others hired a +minister, and sat in lonely sorrow in the +old church every Sunday, until the expense +sickened them. Then the Deacon got mad +at the town, and refused to be seen in it.</p> +<p>“‘Reach everybody,’ had been one of +our mottoes, and Deacon Joe said that he +guessed we wouldn’t reach him.”</p> +<hr class='toprule' /> +<div class='chsp'> +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_170' name='page_170'></a>170</span> +<a name='XVI_WHICH_PRESENTS_AN_INCIDENT_IN_OUR_CAMPAIGN_AGAINST_NEW_NEW_ENGLAND' id='XVI_WHICH_PRESENTS_AN_INCIDENT_IN_OUR_CAMPAIGN_AGAINST_NEW_NEW_ENGLAND'></a> +<h2>XVI</h2> +<h3>WHICH PRESENTS AN INCIDENT IN OUR CAMPAIGN AGAINST NEW NEW ENGLAND</h3> +</div> +<p>“We had some adventures in new New +England which ought to be set down. +Here’s one of them.</p> +<p>“The old village of Trent lies back in the +hills, a little journey from Pointview, on the +shores of a pleasant river. To the unknowing +traveler, who approaches from +either hilltop, it has a peaceful and inviting +look. But the rutted, rocky road +begins at once to excite suspicion. A bad +road is an indication and a producer of +degeneracy in man and beast. It tends to +profanity, and if it went far would probably +lead to hell. Trent itself is one of the little +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_171' name='page_171'></a>171</span> +modern hells of New England. There are +the venerable and neatly fashioned houses +of the old-time Yankee––the peaked roofs +and gables, the columns, the cozy verandas, +the garden spaces. But the old-time +Yankees are gone. The well-kept gardens +are no more. Many of the houses are +going to ruin. One is an Italian tenement. +The others are inhabited by coachmen, +chauffeurs, gardeners, mill-hands, and degenerate +Yankees. The inn is a mere barroom. +Sounds of revelry and the odor of +stale beer come out of it. In front are +teams of burden, abandoned, for a time, +by their drivers, and sundry human signs +of decay loafing in the shadow of the old +lindens. Among them are the seedy remnants +of a once noble race. They are +fettered by ‘rheumatiz’ and the disordered +liver. They move like boats dragging their +anchors. To make life tolerable their imaginations +need assistance. They are like +the Flub Dubs of lost Atlantis. Each +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_172' name='page_172'></a>172</span> +imagines himself the greatest man in the +village. They talk in loud words. They +quarrel and fight over the crown. So it +has been a brawling, besotted community.</p> +<p>“Trent’s leading citizen is a Yankee +politician who owns most of its real estate +and derives a profit from its lawless traffic. +Trent has been his enterprise.</p> +<p>“Knowles went over there one day to +conduct a funeral, which was interrupted +by a dog-fight under the coffin and nearly +broken up by a row over two dollars which +had been found in a pocket of the dead man.</p> +<p>“We opened a club-house next to the +hotel, and began a campaign for the regeneration +of Trent. Soon we discovered +that its one officer was unwilling to arrest +offenders against law and order. We had +him removed and a new man put in his +place. This man was set upon and severely +beaten, and lost interest in the good work. +Then Harry applied for the job and got it. +He took with him a force of husky young +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_173' name='page_173'></a>173</span> +men––mostly college boys. The first day +on duty he arrested in the street a drunken +man who carried in his hands a small sack +of potatoes. The latter whistled for help, +and the enemies of law and order swarmed +out of their haunts. Harry had become +an expert ball pitcher, noted for speed and +accuracy. He floored his man and took +possession of the potatoes, with which he +proceeded to defend himself. Only two +balls were pitched, but they held the enemy +in check until Harry’s deputies had rushed +out of the club-house. A flying wedge +scattered the crowd. No further violence +was needed. The ruffians saw that he +meant business and had the nerve and +muscle to carry it through, and nothing +more was necessary––just then.</p> +<p>“They took the drunken man to the +lock-up, and came back and got a bartender, +and led him in the same path. +Harry has the situation well in hand, and is +the most popular man in our community. +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_174' name='page_174'></a>174</span> +Every day we have items to put to his +credit, and nothing to charge against his +reputation. There’s something going on +at the club every evening, and the rooms +are crowded. Those men who had sat day +by day brawling under the lindens now +spend most of their leisure in the reading +and card rooms. Peace reigns in Trent. +Such is the power of united benevolence +working with the strong hand and the +courageous spirit.”</p> +<hr class='toprule' /> +<div class='chsp'> +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_175' name='page_175'></a>175</span> +<a name='XVII_WHICH_PRESENTS_A_DECISIVE_INCIDENT_IN_OUR_CAMPAIGN_AGAINST_OLD_NEW_ENGLAND' id='XVII_WHICH_PRESENTS_A_DECISIVE_INCIDENT_IN_OUR_CAMPAIGN_AGAINST_OLD_NEW_ENGLAND'></a> +<h2>XVII</h2> +<h3>WHICH PRESENTS A DECISIVE INCIDENT IN OUR CAMPAIGN AGAINST OLD NEW ENGLAND</h3> +</div> +<p>“Harry was pretty well disabled with +affection for a time. He was like a +Yankee with the ‘rheumatiz,’ and you +know when a Yankee gets hold of the +‘rheumatiz’ he hangs on. It don’t often +get away from him. It becomes an asset––a +conservational asset––an ever-present +help in time of haying.</p> +<p>“Since Harry’s return the tactics of +Marie had been faultless. Her eyes had +said, ‘Come on,’ while her words had firmly +held him off. He shook the tree every +time they met, but the squirrel wouldn’t +come down.</p> +<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_176' name='page_176'></a>176</span></div> +<p>“It was a hard part for Marie to play, +between the pressure of two handsome boys +and her duty to grandpapa. The Reverend +Robert had won the favor of the old gentleman +by turning from tennis to agriculture +for exercise. He had gone over to the +Benson farm and helped with the spring’s +work; he had supper there every Sunday +evening, after which he conducted a little +service for the Deacon’s benefit. He was +pressing, as they say in golf, and it didn’t +improve his game. I saw that Marie +was not quite so fond of him. I had maintained +an attitude of strict neutrality, but +could not fail to observe that Marie had +begun to lean.</p> +<p>“‘You have captured the rest of Pointview, +and you ought to be able to take +Benson’s Hill,’ Marie had said to Harry. +‘Grandfather is the last enemy of your +crusade.’</p> +<p>“It was a timely touch on the accelerator, +and Harry began to speed up a little.</p> +<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_177' name='page_177'></a>177</span></div> +<p>“‘The farm is so well defended, and there’s +nothing I dread so much as a hickory cane,’ +the boy had answered. ‘The last visit +I made to the farm I wondered whether I +was going to convert him to my way of +thinking, or he was going to convert me to +jelly.’</p> +<p>“Indeed, Deacon Joe stood firm as a +mountain. People were saying that the +minister would win in a walk, when Marie +converted her grandfather by the most +remarkable bit of woman’s strategy that I +ever observed. It was Napoleonic.</p> +<p>“One day in May, Harry came, much +excited, to my office. Deacon Joe was about +to move to his island, a mile or so off shore. +He was going to take Marie with him for +an indefinite period. No boat would be +permitted to land there except his own and +the Reverend Robert’s. Marie would be +a sort of prisoner. That day she had +told him of the plan of her grandfather. +In Harry’s opinion Knowles had suggested it.</p> +<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_178' name='page_178'></a>178</span></div> +<p>“‘Where is the girl’s mother?’ I asked.</p> +<p>“‘On some Cook’s tour in Europe, and +the old man is crazy as a March hare,’ said +my young friend. ‘He’s got a lot of bulldogs +over there, and his hired men have +been instructed to shoot a hole in any +boat that comes near.’</p> +<p>“I went over to the Benson homestead +that afternoon, and found Deacon Joe +sitting on the piazza.’</p> +<p>“‘How are you?’ I asked.</p> +<p>“‘Not very stout,’ said he; ‘heart flutters +like a ketched bird.’</p> +<p>“‘What are you doing for it?’</p> +<p>“‘Doctor give me some medicine; I +fergit the name of it, but it is the stuff they +use to blow up safes with.’</p> +<p>“‘Nitroglycerin! The very thing! I +hope they will succeed in blowing up your safe.’</p> +<p>“I was pretty close to the old man, and +was always very frank with him. He liked +opposition, and was as fond of warfare as +an Old Testament hero.</p> +<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_179' name='page_179'></a>179</span></div> +<p>“‘What, sir?’ he asked.</p> +<p>“‘There are some folks that have got to +be blowed up before you can get an old +idea out of their heads,’ I went on. ‘They +are locked up with rust. That’s what’s +the matter with you, Deacon. Your brain +needs to be blowed open an’ aired. You +stored it full of ideas sixty years ago and +locked the door for fear they’d get away. +They should have been taken out and +sorted over at least once a year, and some +thrown into the fire to make room for better +ones. If life does you any good, if it really +teaches you anything, your brain must keep +changing its contents.’</p> +<p>“The Deacon hammered the table with +his cane, as he shouted:</p> +<p>“‘You cussed fool of a lawyer! Don’t +you know that truth never changes? Truth, +sir, is eternal.’</p> +<p>“Then I took the bat. ‘Truth often +changes, but error is eternal,’ I said. ‘You +know when you want to prove anything, +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_180' name='page_180'></a>180</span> +these days, you quote from the memoirs +of a great man. Well, I was reading the +memoirs of the late Doctor Godfrey Vogeldam +Guph not long ago. He told of a man +who was very singular, but not so singular as +the doctor seemed to think. This man knew +more than any human being has a right +to know. He knew the plans of God, and +had formed an unalterable opinion about +all his neighbors. Then he locked up his +mind and guarded it night and day, for fear +that somebody would break in and carry +off its contents. And it did seem as if +people wanted to get hold of his treasure, +for they often came and asked about it, +and some even questioned its value. He +said, “Away with you––truth is eternal, +and my soul is full and I will part with none +of it.”</p> +<p>“‘Meanwhile the truth about things +around him began to change. Neighbor +Smith became a good man. Neighbor +Brown became a bad man. Priscilla +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_181' name='page_181'></a>181</span> +Jones, who had been a vain and foolish +woman, was one of the saints of God. The +foundations of the world had changed. In +a generation it had grown millions of years +older and different––wonderfully different! +Even God himself had changed, it would +seem. His methods were not as people +had thought them. His character was +milder. Everything had changed but this +one man. Now when he died and came to +St. Peter, the latter said to him:</p> +<p>“‘“Who were your friends?”</p> +<p>“‘The new-comer thought a minute, +and mentioned the names of some people who +had been long dead. “They know the truth +about me,” he said.</p> +<p>“‘“Ah, but the truth changes, and they +haven’t seen you in many years,” said St. +Peter.</p> +<p>“‘“But I have not changed,” said the +man. “I am just as when they saw me.”</p> +<p>“‘“Then you are a fool or the chief of +sinners,” said St. Peter. “Behold a man +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_182' name='page_182'></a>182</span> +as changeless as the flint-stone, who has +made no friends in over forty years! That +is all I need to know about you. Take +either gate you please.”</p> +<p>“‘“One leads to Heaven––doesn’t it?” +said the new-comer, in great alarm.</p> +<p>“‘“Yes, but you wouldn’t recognize the +place. There isn’t a soul in paradise that +cares which way you go––not a soul in all +its multitude that will be glad to see you. +They have better company. Stranger! go +which way you please, Heaven will be as +uncomfortable as hell.”</p> +<p>“Deacon Joe gave me close attention, +and I saw that my sword had nicked him a +little. Anything that affected his hope of +Paradise was sure to engage his thought. +He shook his head, and said that he didn’t +believe it. But he couldn’t fool me. I +knew that the seed of change had struck +into him.</p> +<p>“I gave him another thrust. ‘Deacon, +you knew Harry Delance when he was a +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_183' name='page_183'></a>183</span> +fool. But the truth about <i>him</i> has changed. +He is now a hard-working, level-headed +young fellow, and you ought to be his +friend.’</p> +<p>“‘Wal, I like the way he cuffed them +fellers over at Trent,’ said the Deacon. +‘He pounded ’em noble––that’s sartin. +Mebbe if he licks a few more men I’ll begin +to like him.’</p> +<p>“‘Give him a chance,’ was my answer. +‘I hear that you are going to move for the +summer.’</p> +<p>“‘Goin’ to my island to-morrow,’ said +Deacon Joe. ‘I’m sick of the autymobiles +an’ the young spendthrifts hangin’ around +Marie, an’ her extravagance, an’ the new +church nonsense, an’ the other goin’s-on. +I’ve got a good house there, an’ Marie an’ +I are goin’ to rest an’ stroll around without +bein’ run over until her mother comes back. +The only trouble I have there is the hired +men. They rob me right an’ left. I wish +somebody would lick them.’</p> +<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_184' name='page_184'></a>184</span></div> +<p>“‘You really need a young man like +Harry,’ I urged. ‘And Marie needs him. +She’ll be lonely over there.’</p> +<p>“‘Not a bit,’ said the Deacon. ‘She’ll +have a saddle-horse, and young Knowles +can come over once a week, if he wants to. +I hear he’s done splendid lately.’</p> +<p>“‘He’s doing well, but I am inclined to +think that Harry is the better man,’ I said, +taking sides for the first time.</p> +<p>“‘I don’t believe it,’ was the answer of +Deacon Joe. ‘Knowles is getting pretty +sensible, and his voice is stronger.’</p> +<p>“The Deacon moved next day, and when +Sunday came I went over in a boat with +the Reverend Robert at eight o’clock in +the morning. I was taking a stroll on the +beach when I met him, and he asked me to +go along. It was just a social call, he explained. +Incidentally, he was going to +pray and read a Scripture lesson at the +Deacon’s request. As we left the dock, +Harry came riding by on one of his thoroughbreds +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_185' name='page_185'></a>185</span> +and I waved my hand to him. When +we got to the Deacon’s landing, I said to +Robert:</p> +<p>“‘As I am not invited, perhaps you had +better announce me to Deacon Joe, while +I stay here in the boat.’</p> +<p>“‘All right,’ he said, as he gaily jumped +ashore and tied the painter rope.</p> +<p>“Robert hurried in the direction of the +little house, and had covered half the +distance, when a bulldog came sneaking +toward him. Robert saw the dog, and ran +for a tree. He was making handsome progress +up the trunk of the tree when the dog +reached him, and, seizing a leg of his trousers, +began to surge backward. The cloth parted +at the knee, and between the pulling of +man and dog, Robert lost about all the +lower end of one trousers-leg. The hired +man came running out with some more +dogs, and said:</p> +<p>“‘It’s all right, Mr. Knowles, you can +come down. I hope he didn’t hurt you.’</p> +<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_186' name='page_186'></a>186</span></div> +<p>“‘Excuse me,’ said the young man, ‘but +I think I’ll stay here a while.’</p> +<p>“Three dogs stood at the foot of the +tree looking anxiously upward.</p> +<p>“‘They won’t hurt you while I’m here,’ +said the hired man.</p> +<p>“‘I won’t take any chances,’ said Robert. +‘Go shut up your lions, and I’ll come down.’</p> +<p>“‘Who’s that in the boat?’ the hired man +asked.</p> +<p>“‘Mr. Potter,’ said Robert.</p> +<p>“‘Well, he mustn’t land ’less the old man +says so––I don’t care who he is.’</p> +<p>“Just then the hired man changed his +position suddenly, and stood looking into +the sky. I turned and saw an aeroplane +coming down like some great bird from the +hills, behind the village. It sailed high +above the spires, and coasted down to a +level some fifty feet above the water-plane +between shore and island. In a minute +or so it roared over me, circled the point, +and came down in the open field that faced +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_187' name='page_187'></a>187</span> +the Deacon’s cottage. Dogs and chickens +flew and ran in great confusion as it swooped +to earth. I knew that Harry and his new +flier had reached the island of Deacon Joe, +and I hurried ashore to see––well, ‘to see +what I could see,’ as the old song has it. +Harry jumped from his seat. The hired man +ran toward him. Deacon Joe and Marie +and a woman-servant hurried out-of-doors.</p> +<p>“In less time than it takes to tell it, +Harry had licked the hired man, and kicked +two dogs in the belly till they ran for life, +and shot another one, and was chasing a +second hired man around the wood-shed. +Not being able to run fast enough to do further +damage, Harry came to the astonished +group in front of the house and caught +Marie in his arms and kissed her.</p> +<p>“Then he turned to the Deacon, and said: +‘Sir, I will keep off your island if you wish, +but I do not propose to be bluffed when I +come to pay my compliments to you and +Marie.’</p> +<div class='figtag'> +<a name='linki_7' id='linki_7'></a> +</div> +<div class='figcenter'> +<img src='images/illus-188.jpg' alt='' title='' width='411' height='644' /><br /> +<p class='caption'> +“HE LOOKED LIKE A MAN WITH A WOODEN LEG”<br /> +</p> +</div> +<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_188' name='page_188'></a>188</span></div> +<p>“Deacon Joe was dumb with astonishment. +The young minister came down +out of his tree and walked slowly toward +the group, with rags flapping over one extremity +of his union-suit. He looked like +a man with a wooden leg.</p> +<p>“‘How did ye get here?’ Deacon Joe +demanded of Harry.</p> +<p>“‘Jumped from the top of Delance’s Hill +and landed right here,’ said the latter.</p> +<p>“‘In that awful-lookin’ thing?’ the +Deacon asked, pointing with his cane and +squinting at the big biplane.</p> +<p>“‘In that thing,’ Harry answered.</p> +<p>“‘How long did it take ye?’</p> +<p>“‘About five minutes.’</p> +<p>“‘It’s impossible,’ said the Deacon, as +he approached the biplane and began to +look at it.</p> +<p>“‘But you’ll see me jump back again +in a little while,’ Harry assured him.</p> +<p>“‘Geehanniker!’ the Deacon exclaimed. +‘Jumped from the top of Delance’s Hill an’ +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_189' name='page_189'></a>189</span> +licked my caretaker an’ chased a hired man +an’ sp’ilt two dogs an’ treed the minister +and kissed the lady o’ the house––all in +about ten minutes. I guess you’re a good +deal of a feller.’</p> +<p>“It was the kind of thing that warmed +the warrior soul of the Deacon.</p> +<p>“‘Hello––here’s a dead dog,’ said Harry. +‘If you’ll have one of the men bring me a +shovel I’ll bury him there in the garden. +Meanwhile you may tell me how much +I owe you for the two dogs.’</p> +<p>“‘I guess about twenty-five dollars,’ +said the Deacon.</p> +<p>“‘How much off for cash?’ Harry asked.</p> +<p>“‘Wal, sir, if you ain’t goin’ to ask me +to charge it, ten dollars would do,’ the +Deacon allowed.</p> +<p>“‘There’s a wonderful power in cash,’ +said Harry, as he produced the money.</p> +<p>“‘You’re gettin’ some sense in your +head,’ said the Deacon.</p> +<p>“The shovel was brought; and Harry, +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_190' name='page_190'></a>190</span> +who had expected to shoot a dog or two +and had been practising for this very act, +put his victim under three feet of soil in +as many minutes. That also pleased the +Deacon.</p> +<p>“‘Purty cordy, too,’ the latter said, as +he turned to Marie. ‘Now, girl, take your +choice. I want to know which is which, +an’ stop bein’ bothered about it.’</p> +<p>“She made her choice then and there, +and as to which of the two it may have been +you will have no doubt when I tell you that +Marie had planned every detail in this bit +of strategy and Harry had been man +enough to put it through.</p> +<p>“‘You know Zeb’s commandment has +been a help to me,’ he said, when I offered +congratulations. ‘“Be brave with your life, +for it is very long.”’</p> +<p>“The Deacon has changed. His heart +and mind are open. Every Sunday you +may see him in a front seat, drinking at the +new fount of inspiration; and it is a rule of +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_191' name='page_191'></a>191</span> +his life to make a new friend every day. +I’m inclined to think that the old man has +been saved at last.</p> +<p>“Yes, we try to reach everybody in one +way or another.”</p> +<p style='text-align:center;margin-top:1.5em;margin-bottom:1em'>THE END</p> + +<!-- generated by ppg.rb version: ppg0801 --> +<!-- timestamp: Sat Aug 01 16:04:43 -0400 2009 --> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of 'Charge It', by Irving Bacheller + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 'CHARGE IT' *** + +***** This file should be named 29568-h.htm or 29568-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/2/9/5/6/29568/ + +Produced by Roger Frank and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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