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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of 'Charge It', by Irving Bacheller
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: 'Charge It'
+       Keeping Up With Harry
+
+Author: Irving Bacheller
+
+Release Date: August 1, 2009 [EBook #29568]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 'CHARGE IT' ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Roger Frank and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: "SHE WISHED ME TO SUGGEST SOMETHING FOR HER TO DO" [See
+page 56]]
+
+
+
+
+"CHARGE IT"
+
+OR
+
+KEEPING UP WITH HARRY
+
+A story of fashionable extravagance and of the
+successful efforts to restrain it made
+by The Honorable Socrates Potter
+the genial friend of Lizzie
+
+BY
+
+IRVING BACHELLER
+
+ILLUSTRATED
+
+HARPER & BROTHERS PUBLISHERS
+
+NEW YORK AND LONDON
+
+MCMXII
+
+
+
+
+Books by
+
+IRVING BACHELLER
+
+ Charge It. Ill'd. 12mo                         net $1.00
+ Keeping Up With Lizzie. Ill'd. Post 8vo         net 1.00
+ Eben Holden. Ill'd. Post 8vo                        1.50
+                                Edition de Luxe      2.00
+ Eben Holden's Last Day A-Fishing. 16mo               .50
+ Dri and I. Ill'd. Post 8vo                          1.50
+ Darrell of the Blessed Isles. Ill'd. Post 8vo       1.50
+ Vergilius. Post 8vo                                 1.35
+ Silas Strong. Post 8vo                              1.50
+ The Hand-Made Gentleman. Post 8vo                   1.50
+ In Various Moods. Poems. Post 8vo               net 1.00
+
+HARPER & BROTHERS, NEW YORK
+
+COPYRIGHT, 1912. BY HARPER & BROTHERS
+
+PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
+
+PUBLISHED SEPTEMBER, 1912
+
+K-M
+
+
+
+
+TO MY DEAR FRIEND
+
+LEDYARD PARK HALE
+
+ANOTHER HONEST LAWYER
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS
+
+ CHAP.                                                            PAGE
+    I. In Which Harry Swiftly Passes from One Stage of His
+           Career to Another                                         1
+   II. Which Begins the Story of the Bishop's Head                  11
+  III. Which Is the Story of the Pimpled Queen and the Black
+           Spot                                                     33
+   IV. In Which Socrates Encounters "New Thought" and
+           Psychological Hair                                       45
+    V. In Which Socrates Discusses the Over-Production of Talk      55
+   VI. In Which Betsey Commits an Indiscretion                      69
+  VII. In Which Socrates Attacks the Worst Doers and Best
+           Sellers                                                  75
+ VIII. In Which Socrates Attacks the Helmet and the Battle-Ax       84
+   IX. In Which Socrates Increases the Supply of Splendor           91
+    X. In Which Socrates Breaks the Drag and Tandem Monopoly in
+           Pointview                                                99
+   XI. In Which Sundry People Make Great Discoveries               106
+  XII. In Which Harry Is Forced to Abandon Swamp Fiction and
+           Like Follies and to Study the Geography and Natives
+           of a Land Unknown to Our Heiristocracy                  118
+ XIII. In Which the Minister Gets Into Love and Trouble            127
+  XIV. In Which Socrates Discovers a New Folly                     139
+   XV. In Which Harry Returns to Pointview and Goes to Work        148
+  XVI. Which Presents an Incident in Our Campaign Against New
+           New England                                             171
+ XVII. Which Presents a Decisive Incident in Our Campaign
+           Against Old New England                                 176
+
+
+
+
+ILLUSTRATIONS
+
+ "SHE WISHED ME TO SUGGEST SOMETHING FOR HER TO DO"       Frontispiece
+ "WHAT DIDN'T THEY SAY? THEY FLEW AT ME LIKE WILDCATS."             60
+ "'IT'S THE VAN ALSTYNE CREST,' I SAID. 'IT'S A PROOF OF
+     RESPECTABILITY.'"                                              86
+ "RADIANT IN SILK, LACE, DIAMONDS, PEARLS, AND RUBIES"              94
+ "HARRY'S PET COLLIE HAD COME UP TO THE BACK DOOR WITH A
+     HUMAN SKULL IN HIS MOUTH"                                     148
+ "HE LOOKED LIKE A MAN WITH A WOODEN LEG"                          188
+
+
+
+
+FOREWORD
+
+
+It may interest, if it does not comfort, the reader to know that
+this little story is built upon facts. The ride of Harry, the
+hundred-dollar pimple, the psychological hair, the downfall of Roger,
+all happened, while the Bishop's Head is one of the possessions of a
+New England family.
+
+                                                             I. B.
+
+
+
+
+"CHARGE IT"
+
+I
+
+IN WHICH HARRY SWIFTLY PASSES FROM ONE STAGE OF HIS CAREER TO ANOTHER
+
+
+"Harry and I were waiting for his motor-car," said the Honorable
+Socrates Potter. "He couldn't stand and wait--that would be
+losing time--so we kept busy. Went into the stores and bought
+things--violets, candy, golf-balls, tennis-shoes, new gloves, and
+neckties. Harry didn't need 'em, but he couldn't waste any time
+and--
+
+"'There's the car!'
+
+"In each store Harry had used the magic words, 'Charge it,' and passed
+on.
+
+"We were going over to Chesterville to settle with the contractor who
+had built his father's house. We had an hour and four minutes in which
+to do it all, and then--the 6.03 express for New York. Harry had to
+get it to be in time for a bridge party.
+
+"We climbed in. Harry grabbed the wheel. The gas-lever purred, the
+gears clicked, the car jumped into motion and rushed, screeching, up
+the hill ahead of us, shot between a trolley-car and a wagon, swung
+around a noisy runabout, scared a team into the siding, and sped
+away.
+
+"The town behind us! Country-houses on either side! A bulldog in the
+near perspective! He set himself, made a rush at us, as if trying to
+grab a wheel off the car, and the wheel got him. We flushed a lot of
+chickens. The air seemed to be full of them. Harry waved an apology to
+the farmer, as if to say:
+
+"'Never mind, sir, I'm in a hurry now. Take my number and charge
+it.'
+
+"'He struck a fowl, and, turning, I saw a whirl of feathers in the air
+behind us and the farmer's fist waving above the dust.
+
+"Harry would have paid for the dog and the fowl in money but not in
+time--not even in a second of time! Harry had an engagement for a
+bridge party and must catch the 6.03 express.
+
+"A man on a bicycle followed by a big greyhound was just ahead. We
+screeched. The man went into the ditch and took a header. The
+greyhound didn't have time to turn out then. He bent to the oars until
+he had gained lead enough to save himself with a sidelong jump into
+the buttercups.
+
+"'Charge it!'
+
+"The needle on the speedometer wavered from fifty to fifty-five, then
+struck at sixty, held a second there, and passed it. Gnats and flies
+hit my face and stung like flying shot. The top of the road went up in
+a swirl of dust behind us. I hung on, with my life in my trembling
+hands. We zipped past teams and motor-cars.
+
+"We filled every eye with dust and every ear with screeches and every
+heart with a swift pang of terror.
+
+"'Charge it!'
+
+"A rider with a frightened horse raced on ahead of us to the next
+corner. We sped across the track into Chesterville and--
+
+"'Hold up! There's the office ahead.'
+
+"The levers move, down goes the brake, and we're there.
+
+"'Eleven miles in fourteen minutes!' Harry exclaims, as I spring out
+and hurry to the door. It was really sixteen minutes, but I always
+allow Harry a slight discount.
+
+"'Not in!' I shout, in a second.
+
+"'Not in--heart of Allah!--where is he?'
+
+"'At the Wilton job on the point.'
+
+"'We'll go get him.'
+
+"'You go; I'll wait here.'
+
+"Away he rushes--I thank God for the brief respite. This high power
+encourages great familiarity with the higher powers. But the Creator's
+name is used here in no light or profane spirit, let me say. In each
+case it is only a brief prayer or, rather, the beginning of a prayer
+which one has not time to finish. It is cut short by a new adventure.
+
+"I say to myself that I shall not ride back with Harry. No, life is
+still dear to me. I will take the trolley. And yet--what thrilling,
+Jove-like, superhuman deviltry it was! I light a cigar and sit down.
+Harry and Wilton arrive. Fifteen minutes gone!
+
+"I get down to business.
+
+"Harry says: 'Please cut it short.'
+
+"I could have saved five hundred dollars if I had had time to present
+our side of the case with proper deliberation. But Harry keeps
+shouting:
+
+"'Do cut it short. I _must_ get there--don't you know?'
+
+"Wilton must have his pay, too--he needs every cent of it to-morrow.
+
+"'You go on. I'll stay here and settle this matter and go home by the
+trolley.'
+
+"'Let's stick together,' my young friend entreats. 'Please hurry it
+through and come on with me. I need you.'
+
+"Harry must have company. His time is wasted unless he has a
+spectator--an audience--a witness--a historian. Without that, all his
+hair-breadth escapes would be thrown away. His stories would hang by a
+thread.
+
+"'We've only twenty-one minutes,' he calls.
+
+"I say to myself: 'Damn the man whose money is like water and whose
+time is more precious than the last hour of Mahomet.' Well, of course,
+there was plenty of money, but the supply of time was limited. To
+waste a second was to lose an opportunity for self-indulgence.
+
+"I draw a check and take a hurried receipt and jump in.
+
+"Away we go. 'Look out!'
+
+"The brakes grind, and we rise in the air a little as a small boy
+crosses our bows. We just missed him--thank God!
+
+"'Don't be reckless, old man--go a bit slower.'
+
+"'It's all right. We've a clear road now.'
+
+"What a wind in our faces! There's the track ahead.
+
+"'_Look out! The train! God Almighty!_'
+
+"I spoke too late. We were almost up to the rails when I saw it. We
+couldn't stop. Cleared the track in time. Felt the wind of the engine
+in my back hair, and then my scalp moved. Just ahead was a light buggy
+in the middle of the road and a bull, frightened by the cars,
+galloping beside it.
+
+"In the excitement Harry hadn't time to blow, and the roar of the
+train had covered our noise. The bull turned into the ditch and
+speeded up. We swerved between bull and buggy and grazed the side of
+the latter.
+
+"I jumped and landed on the bull, and that saved me. It's the first
+time that I ever knocked a bull down. He got to his feet swiftly
+beside me, bellowed, and took the fence. He was a fat, well-fed bull
+with a big, round, soft side on him. I never knew that a bull was so
+mellow. My feet sank deep, and he gave way, and I hit him again with
+another part of my person. I didn't mean it, and felt for him,
+although it is likely that his feelings needed no further help from
+me. Of course I bounded off him at last and the earth hit me a hard
+upper-cut, but the bull had been a highly successful shock absorber.
+In a second or so I was able to get up and look around. The buggy had
+gone over, and the horse was on his hind legs trying to climb out of
+the dust-cloud.
+
+"Harry stopped his car and began to back up.
+
+"'That'll do for me,' I said. 'I don't sit in your padded cell any
+longer.'
+
+"I had lived a whole three-volume novel in the last forty minutes. The
+Panama Canal had been finished and England had become a republic. It
+was too much.
+
+"We found two men--one at the head of the frightened horse, the other
+lying beside the wrecked buggy with a broken leg.
+
+"And Harry had an engagement to play bridge!
+
+"I took the horse's head. The well man pulled a stake off the fence
+and chased Harry around the motor-car. He didn't intend to 'charge
+it.' Wanted cash down. I got hold of his arm and succeeded in calming
+him.
+
+"Harry apologized and assured them that he was willing to pay the
+damage. We picked up the injured man and took him to his home. On the
+way Harry explained that they should keep track of all expenses and:
+
+"'Charge it.'
+
+"In a few minutes Harry roared off in the direction of Pointview to
+get a doctor and the 6.03 express.
+
+"'It might be a little late,' he said, as he left us.
+
+"The next day Harry was arrested as a public enemy for criminal
+carelessness. He had injured three men on the highways of Connecticut,
+to say nothing of dogs and poultry. Almost everybody had something
+charged against Harry. He was highly unpopular, but a good fellow at
+heart.
+
+"I got the judge to release him on his promise to abandon motoring for
+three years.
+
+"Thus he rushed out of the motor-car stage of his career into that of
+the drag and tandem.
+
+"He had had more narrow escapes and suffered greater perils than Rob
+Roy.
+
+"Yes, bulls are a good thing--a comparatively soft thing. I recommend
+them to every motorist who may have to look for a place to land. Don't
+ever throw yourself on the real estate of New England. It can hit
+harder than you can."
+
+
+
+
+II
+
+WHICH BEGINS THE STORY OF THE BISHOP'S HEAD
+
+
+"Harry is the most modern character in my little museum," said the
+Honorable Socrates Potter, as I sat with him in his cozy office. "I
+was really introduced to Harry by the Bishop of St. Clare, who died in
+1712. I didn't know his heart until the Bishop made us acquainted.
+Strange! Well, that depends on the point of view. You see, the Bishop
+was acquired and imported as an ancestor by one of the best families,
+and that's how I happened to meet him. They would have got William the
+Conqueror--of England and Fifth Avenue--if he hadn't been well
+hidden.
+
+"I am inclined to converse long and loudly on the reconstruction of
+Pointview. Of course I shall talk too much, but I am a licensed liar,
+and the number of my machine is 4227643720, so if I smash a dog here
+and there, make a note of the number and charge it. I'm going fast and
+shall not have time to stop for apologies.
+
+"In Pointview even Time has quickened his pace. Last year is ancient
+history. Lizzie has been succeeded by Miss Elizabeth, who needs a
+maid, a chauffeur, a footman, and a house-party to maintain her
+spirits. Harry and his drag have taken the place of Dan and his
+runabout.
+
+"The enemy has arrived in force. We are surrounded by country-houses
+and city abdomens of appalling size and arrogance. Mansions crown the
+slopes and line the water-front. The dialect of the lazy Yankee and
+his industrious hens are heard no more in the hills of Pointview.
+Where the hoe and the sickle were stirred by the fear of hunger, the
+golf-club and the tennis-racket are moved by the fear of fat. The
+sweat of toil is now the perspiration of exercise. The chatter of
+society has succeeded that of the goose and the polliwog. Land has
+gone up. Rocks have become real estate even while they belonged to
+Christian Scientists. Ledges, smitten by the modern Moses, have gushed
+a stream of gold. Once the land supported its owner. Now wealth
+supports land and landlord and the fullness thereof. The Fifth Avenue
+farmer has begun to raise his own vegetables at a dollar apiece and a
+crop of criminals second to none. In his hands farming becomes
+agriculture and the farm a swarming nest of parasites.
+
+"We are in the midst of a new migration from the cities back to the
+land, and all are happy save the philosophers. It is a remote reaction
+of former migrations to the mines and the oil-fields. The descendants
+of these very pioneers now seek to exchange a part of their gold for
+the ancient sod in which are the roots of their family trees and
+delusions.
+
+"With these rich men came Henry Delance, who grew up with me here and
+went to Pittsburg in his early twenties and made a fortune in the coal
+and iron business. His grandfather was old Nick Delance, a blacksmith;
+and his father owned a farm on the hills and made a bare living for
+himself and a large family. They had been simple, hard-working, honest
+people. I helped Henry to buy the old place, and, as we stood together
+on the hilltop, he said to me:
+
+"'I often think of the old days that were full of hard labor. What a
+woman my mother was! Did all the work of the house and raised seven
+boys and two girls, and every one of them has had some success in the
+world--except me. One built a big railroad, one was governor of a
+State, one a member of Congress, one a noted physician, two have made
+millions, and both of the girls married well. Now, my boy has had
+every advantage--'
+
+"'But poverty,' I suggested.
+
+"'But poverty,' he repeated, 'and I'm unable to give him that. It's
+probably the one thing that would make a man of him, and I wouldn't
+wonder if he succeeded in achieving it.'
+
+"'A rather large undertaking,' I said.
+
+"'Yes, but he's well qualified,' Henry answered, with a smile.
+
+"'What's the matter with your boy?' I asked.
+
+"'So busy with tomfoolery--no time for anything else. I've had so much
+to do that I've rather neglected Harry, and now he's too much for me.
+He knows that he's got me beat on education, but that's only the
+beginning of what he knows. Good fellow, you understand, but he's
+young and thinks me old-fashioned. I wish you'd help me to make a man
+of him.'
+
+"'What can I do?'
+
+"'Get him interested in some kind of work. He doesn't like my
+business. He hates Wall Street, and, knowing it as I do, how can I
+blame the boy? He doesn't take to the law--'
+
+"'And, knowing it as I do, how can _I_ blame him?' I interrupted.
+
+"'But, somehow, he hasn't the spring in his bow that I had--the
+get-up-and-get--the disposition to move all hell if necessary.'
+
+"'You can't expect it,' I said. 'His mainspring is broken.'
+
+"'What would you call his mainspring?' he asked.
+
+"'The desire to win money and its power. Mind you, I wouldn't call
+that a high motive, but in a young man it's a kind of a mainspring
+that sets him a-going and keeps the works busy until he can get better
+motive power. In Harry it's broken.'
+
+"'You're right--it was busted long ago,' said Henry Delance.
+
+"'Some one has got to contrive a new mainspring for the sons of
+millionaires--they're so plenty these days.'
+
+"'There's the desire to be respectable,' he suggested.
+
+"'But it is not nearly so universal as the love of money. If it were
+possible to have millionaire carpenters and shoemakers there'd be more
+hope! But I'll try to invent a mainspring for Harry. If he doesn't
+marry some fool woman there's a chance for the boy--a good chance.
+Tell me all about him.'
+
+"In his own way, which amused me a little, the old man sketched the
+character of his son, or rather confessed it.
+
+"'A kind of Alexander the Great,' he said. 'We shall have to be
+careful or lose our heads. Surfeited with power, you know. When he
+wants anything he goes to a store and says, "Charge it." That has
+ruined him. He's no scale of values in his mind.'
+
+"He told me, then, with some evidence of alarm, that Harry had become
+interested in a fool woman, older than he, noted for her beauty and
+equestrian skill--by name Mrs. Revere-Chalmers, of a well-known
+Southern family. I knew the woman--divorced from a rich old gentleman
+of great generosity, who had taken all the blame for her sake. But I
+happened to know that the circumstances on her side were not
+creditable. The truth, however, had been well concealed.
+
+"In her youth Frances Revere had two beautiful parents. In fact, they
+were all that any girl could desire--obedient and respectful to their
+youngers. She was always kind to them and kept them looking neatly and
+helped them in their lessons and brought them up in the fear of
+Tiffany and the hope of future happiness. They played most of the
+time, but never chased each other in and out of the bedrooms or made
+any noise about the house when she lay sleeping in the forenoon. Their
+sense of chivalry would not have permitted it. When she arose she
+called them to her and patted their heads and said: 'What dear parents
+I have!' It might be thought that the fair Frances led an aimless and
+idle life. Not so. The young lady was very busy and never forgot her
+aim. She was preparing herself to be a marryer of men and the leading
+marryer in the proud city of her birth. Every member of the household
+became her assistant in this noble industry. Many storekeepers had
+unconsciously joined her staff and 'charged it' until they were weary.
+All her papa's money had been invested in the business, and he began
+to borrow for a rainy day. Then there came a long spell of wet
+weather. At last something had to be done. Frances began to use her
+talents. No prince or noble duke had come for her, so she married an
+old man worth ten million dollars and sent her parents to an orphan
+asylum with a fair allowance of spending-money. They are her only
+heirs, and now, at thirty, but with ample capital, she has set up
+again in the marrying business.
+
+"She lives in a big country-house, and has a lot of cats and dogs that
+are shampooed every day. Her life is pretty much devoted to the
+regulation of hair. Her own requires the exclusive attention of a
+hired girl. Its tint, luster, and general effect show excellent taste
+and close application. Considering its area, her scalp is the most
+remarkable field of industry in Connecticut. Has herself made into a
+kind of life-sized portrait every day and carefully framed and lighted
+and hung. It is a beautiful portrait, but it is not a portrait of
+her.
+
+"Her life is arduous. I have some reason to think that it wearies her.
+She rings for the masseuse at 10.30 A.M. and breakfasts in bed at
+twelve o'clock. Soon after that the chiropodist and the manicure and
+the hair-dresser begin to saw wood; then the grooms and second
+footmen. At two o'clock she goes out to pat the head of the
+ten-thousand-dollar bull and give some sugar to the horses, all of
+whom have been prepared for this ordeal by bathing and massage.
+
+"It's great to be able to pat the head of a ten-thousand-dollar bull.
+It's a pretty vanity. All the Fifth Avenue farmers indulge in it. Some
+slap them on the back and some poke them in the ribs with the point of
+a parasol, but the correct thing is to pat them on the head and say:
+Dear old Romeo!
+
+"After a turn in the saddle Mrs. Revere-Chalmers led society until
+midnight. With her a new spirit had arrived in the ancient stronghold
+of the Yankee.
+
+"I began to learn things about Harry--a big, blond, handsome youth who
+had traveled much. He had been to school in New York, London,
+Florence, and Paris, and had graduated from Harvard. For a time he
+called it Hahvud, but passed that trouble without serious injury and
+put it behind him. In the European stage of his career he had been
+attacked by lions, griffins, and battle-axes and had lost some of his
+red blood. There he had acquired a full line of Fifth Avenue dialect
+and conversation with trills and grace notes from France and Italy. He
+had been slowly recovering from that trouble for a year or so when I
+met him. Now and then a good, strong, native idiom burst out in his
+conversation.
+
+"Harry was a man without a country, having never had a fair chance to
+acquire one. He had touched many high and low places--from the top of
+the Eiffel Tower to the lowest depths of the underworld. Also, he knew
+the best hotels in Europe and eastern America, and the Duke of
+Sutherland and the Lord Mayor of London, and Jack Johnson, the
+pugilist. Harry knew only the upper and lower ends of life.
+
+"He was an extremist. Also, he was a prolific and generous liar. He
+lied not to deceive, but to entertain. There was a kind of noble
+charity in his lying. He would gladly perjure his soul to speed an
+hour for any good friend. His was the fictional imagination largely
+exercised in the cause of human happiness. Now and then he became the
+hero of his own lies, but he was generally willing to divide the
+honors. His friends knew not when to believe him, and he often
+deceived them when he was telling the truth.
+
+"Early in April, Henry Delance came to me and said: 'Soc, you've been
+working hard for years, and you need a rest. Let's get aboard the next
+steamer and spend a fortnight in England.'
+
+"I had little taste for foreign travel, but Betsey urged me to go, and
+I went with Henry and his wife, their daughter Ruth and the boy Harry,
+and sundry maids and valets. We had been a week in London, when Henry
+and the Mrs. came into my room one day, aglow with excitement. Mrs.
+Delance was first to address me.
+
+"'Mr. Potter, congratulate us,' said she. 'We find that Henry is a
+lineal descendant of William the Conqueror.'
+
+"'Henry, it is possible that William could prove an alibi, or maybe
+you could,' I suggested.
+
+"'I'd make an effort,' said he, with a trace of embarrassment, 'but my
+wife thinks that we had better plead guilty and let it go. That kind
+of thing doesn't interest me so much as it does her.'
+
+"'After all,' I answered, by way of consolation, 'if you think it's
+like to do you any harm, it doesn't need to get out. I shall respect
+your confidence.'
+
+"'Too late!' his wife exclaimed. 'The facts have been cabled to
+America.'
+
+"I was writing letters in my room, next day, when Harry interrupted me
+with a hurried entrance. He locked the door inside, and in a kind of
+playful silence drew from under his rain-coat, and deposited on my
+table, a human skull.
+
+"'The Bishop of St. Clare,' he whispered, in that curious dialect
+which I shall not try to imitate.
+
+"'He isn't looking very well,' I said, not knowing what he meant.
+
+"'This is the Bishop's head--the Bishop of St. Clare,' Harry whispered
+again. 'He was one of our ancestors--by Jove!'
+
+"'Is that all that was the matter with him?' I asked.
+
+"'No; his epitaph says that he died of a fever in 1712.'
+
+"'How did you get hold of his head?' I asked. 'Win it in a raffle?'
+
+"'I bribed the old verger in the crypt of St. Mary's. Offered him two
+sovereigns to lift the stone lid and let me look in. He said he
+couldn't do that, but discreetly withdrew when I put the money in his
+hand. It was up to me, don't you know, and here is the Bishop's
+head.'
+
+"'Going to have him photographed in a group of the family?' I asked.
+
+"'No, but you see Materna paid two pounds for a chunk off a tombstone,
+and I thought I would give her a souvenir worth having,' said he, and
+blushed for the first time since our interview had begun. 'This is
+unique.'
+
+"'And you didn't think the Bishop would miss it?' I suggested.
+
+"'Not seriously,' he answered. 'I guess it's a fool thing to have
+done, but I thought that I could have some fun with the Bishop's head.
+Mother is going to round up all the Delances at Christmas for a big
+dinner--uncles, aunts, and cousins, you know--a celebration of our
+genealogical discoveries with a great family tree in the center of the
+table. The history of the Delances will be read, and I thought that I
+would spring a surprise--tell them that I had invited our old
+ancestor, Sir Robert Delance, Bishop of St. Clare; that, contrary to
+my hope, he had accepted, and that I would presently introduce him. In
+due time I would produce the head and read from his life and writings,
+which I bought in a London book-stall. Finally, I thought that I would
+have him tell how he happened to be present. Don't you think he would
+make a hit?'
+
+"'He would surely make a hit--a resounding hit,' I said, 'but not as a
+proof of respectability. Even if the Bishop is your ancestor, you have
+no good title to his bones. I presume that every visitor to the old
+church puts his name and address in a register?'
+
+"'Yes.'
+
+"'Well, suppose the theft is discovered and the verger gives you away.
+All the money you've got wouldn't keep you out of prison.'
+
+"Harry began to turn pale. He was a good fellow, but this genealogical
+frenzy had turned his head, and his head was not as old as the
+Bishop's. It was unduly young.
+
+"'Assume that you get home with your prize, the Bishop's head would be
+the worst enemy that his descendants ever had. It would always accuse
+you and grin at your follies. And would you dare proclaim the truth
+over in Pointview that you really have the skull of the Bishop of St.
+Clare?'
+
+"The boy was scared. He had suddenly discovered an important fact. It
+was the north pole of his education.
+
+"'By Jove! I'm an ass,' he said. 'What shall I do with it?'
+
+"'Say nothing of the thing to anybody, not even to your father, and
+get rid of it.'
+
+"'That's what I'll do,' he said, as he wrapped the skull in a piece of
+newspaper, hid it under his coat, and left me.
+
+"We sailed next afternoon, and that evening, when Harry and I sat
+alone in a corner of the deck, I asked him what he had done with the
+Bishop's head.
+
+"'Tried to get rid of it, but couldn't,' he said. 'My conscience
+smote me, and I took the old bone back to St. Mary's. Going to do
+my duty like a man, you see, but it wouldn't work. New verger on the
+job! I weakened. Then I put it in a box and had it addressed to a
+fictitious man in Bristol, and sent my valet to get it off by
+express. It went on, and was returned for a better address. You see,
+my valet--officious ass!--had left his address at the express office.
+How _gauche_ of him! While we were lying at the dock a messenger
+came to my state-room with the Bishop's head. I had to take it and
+pay five shillings and a sixpence for the privilege.'
+
+"'The old Bishop seems to be quite attached to his new relative,' I
+said.
+
+"'Yes, but when the deck is deserted, by and by, I'm going to drop him
+overboard.'
+
+"And that is what he did--dropped it, solemnly, from the ship's side
+at dinnertime, and I witnessed the proceeding.
+
+"The adventure had one result that was rather curious and unexpected.
+It brought Harry close to me and established our relations to each
+other. That they admitted me to his confidence as a friend and
+counselor of the utmost frankness was on the whole exceedingly
+fortunate. From that time he began to trust me and to distrust
+himself.
+
+"So it happened that I was really introduced to Harry by the Bishop of
+St. Clare, who died in 1712, and those credentials gave me a standing
+which I could not otherwise have enjoyed.
+
+"Coming home, I limbered up my imagination and outlied Harry.
+
+"I was forced to invent that cheerful, handy liar the late Dr. Godfrey
+Vogeldam Guph, Professor of the Romance Languages in the University of
+Brague and the intimate friend of any great man you may be pleased to
+mention. With his help I have laid low even the most authoritative,
+learned, and precise liars in the State of Connecticut. I do it by
+quoting from his memoirs.
+
+"Harry's specialty were lies of adventure in court and palace, and, as
+Dr. Guph had known all the crowned heads, he became an ever-present
+help in time of trouble.
+
+"Every lie of Harry's I outdid with another of ampler proportions. He
+put on a little more steam, but I kept abreast or a length ahead of
+him. By and by he broke down and begged for quarter.
+
+"'On my word as a gentleman,' said he, 'that last story I told was
+true. It really happened, don't you know?'
+
+"'Well, Harry, if you will only notify me when you propose to tell the
+truth, I shall be glad to take your word for it,' was my answer.
+
+"'And keep Dr. Guph chained,' said he.
+
+"'Exactly, and give you like warning when I have a lie ready to
+launch.'
+
+"'That's a fair treaty,' he agreed.
+
+"'And a good idea,' I said. 'As a liar of long experience I have found
+it best to notify all comers what to expect of me when I see a useful
+lie in the offing. That has enabled me to give my fancy full play
+without impairing my reputation. My noblest faculties have had ample
+exercise while my word has remained at par.'
+
+"We made an agreement along that line, and Harry ceased to be a liar,
+and became a story-teller of much humor and ingenuity."
+
+
+
+
+III
+
+WHICH IS THE STORY OF THE PIMPLED QUEEN AND THE BLACK SPOT
+
+
+"Well, on our return, Mrs. Delance had a helmet and a battle-ax, with
+sundry accessories, emblazoned on her letter-heads and the doors of
+her limousine. Here was another case of charge it, but this time it
+was charged against her slender capital of good sense. Mrs. Delance
+was a stout lady of the Dreadnought type. Harry settled down in the
+home of his father and began to study the 'middle clahsses' with a
+drag and tandem and garments for every kind of leisure. The girls went
+to ride with him, and naturally began to smarten their dress and
+accents and to change their estimates. His 'aristocratic' friends and
+manners were much in their company and ever in their dreams.
+
+"Of course, all that began to react on the young men: if that was the
+kind of thing the girls liked, they must try to be in it. Slowly but
+surely a Pointview aristocracy began its line of cleavage and a
+process of integration. Crests appeared on the letter-heads and
+limousine doors of the newly rich. In a month or so people of brain
+and substance degenerated into a condition of hardened shameless
+idiocy.
+
+"Some of our best citizens went abroad, each to find his place among
+the descendants of William the Conqueror. Suddenly I discovered that
+the clerk in my office was ashamed to be seen on the street with a
+package in his hands.
+
+"Our young men began to long for wealth and leisure. They grew
+impatient of the old process of thrift and industry. It was too slow.
+Many of them opened accounts in Wall Street.
+
+"Young Roger Daniels had some luck there and began to advertise the
+fact with a small steam-yacht and a cruise. We were going as hard as
+ever to keep up, but on higher levels of aspiration. The girls were
+engaged in a strenuous contest for the prize of Harry's favor, with
+that handsome young _divorcée_ well in the lead.
+
+"Roger and his party were about to return from their cruise, and Harry
+was to give them a ball at the Yacht Club.
+
+"The day before the ball our best known physician came to see Mrs.
+Potter, who was ill, and cheered us up with a story. The Doctor was
+young, attractive, and able. He had threatened every appendix in
+Pointview, and had a lot of inside information about our men and
+women--especially the latter. He looked weary.
+
+"'Yesterday was a little hard on me,' he said. 'It began at four in
+the morning with a confinement case and ended at one A.M. There were
+two operations at the hospital, a steady stream at the office, and a
+twenty-mile ride over the hills. Got back in the evening pretty well
+worn out. Tumbled into bed at two minutes of eleven, and was asleep
+before the clock struck. The 'phone-bell at my bedside awoke me. I let
+it go on for a minute. Hadn't energy enough to get up. It rang and
+rang. Out I tumbled.
+
+"'Hello!' I said.
+
+"'A voice answered. "I am Mrs. So-and-So's butler," it said. "She
+wishes to see you as soon as you can get here. It's very urgent."
+
+"'"What's the matter?"
+
+"'"Don't know, sir, but it is serious."
+
+"'"All right," I said.
+
+"'My chauffeur was off for the night, so I 'phoned to the stable and
+got Patrick and told him to hitch up the black mare at once, dressed,
+and took everything that I was likely to need in an emergency, got
+into the wagon, and hurried away in the darkness. After all, I
+thought, it is something to have one's skill so much in request by the
+rich and the powerful. It was a long ride with one horse-power, but we
+got there.
+
+"'Many windows of the great house were aglow. The first butler met me
+in the hall and took me to my lady's chamber--an immense room finished
+in the style of the First Empire. She was half reclining and playing
+solitaire as she smoked a cigarette on a divan that occupied a dais
+overhung with rare tapestries on a side of the room. The effect of the
+whole thing was queenly--_à la_ Récamier. She greeted me wearily and
+without rising.
+
+"'"Sit down," said she, and I did so.
+
+"'She turned to a good-looking maid who timidly stood near the divan.
+
+"'"My dear little woman, you weary me--please go," she said.
+
+"'The maid went.
+
+"'"Dawctah," the lady said to me, "I have a nahsty little pimple on
+my right cheek, and I really cahn't go to the ball, you know, unless
+it is cuahed. Won't you kindly--ah--see what can be done?"
+
+"'"A pimple! God prosper it!" I said to myself. "Has the great M.D.
+become a P.D.--a mere doctor of pimples?"
+
+"'I inspected the pimple--a very slight affair.
+
+"'"Why, if I were you, I'd just cover the pimple with a little square
+of court-plaster," I said. "It would become you."
+
+"'"What a pretty idea! That's just what I will do," she exclaimed.
+
+"'"Please charge it, Dawctah," she said, wearily, as she resumed her
+solitaire.
+
+"'I charged a hundred dollars, but nothing could pay me for the
+humiliation I suffered. Going home, I pounded the mare shamefully.'
+
+"'You charged a good price,' I said.
+
+"'Yes; but it's like pulling teeth to get any money out of her. One
+has to earn it twice. Worth a million, and hangs everybody up. Some
+have to sue.'
+
+"'Does nothing to-day that can be done to-morrow,' I said.
+
+"'True,' said he; 'she don't look after her business, and thinks that
+every one is trying to cheat her.'
+
+"'Same old story,' was my remark. I was her husband's lawyer. 'Well,
+dear, how much do you suppose McCrory's bill is for the last month?'
+he would ask her. She would look thoughtful and say: 'Oh, about
+fifteen hundred dollars.' 'My dear,' he would go on, 'it is ten
+thousand six hundred and forty-three dollars and twenty-four cents.'
+'Oh, that's impossible,' she would answer. 'There's some mistake about
+it. I'll never O.K. such a bill. It's an outrage!' But the bill was
+always right.
+
+"'I didn't suppose you would know the lady--I haven't mentioned her
+name,' said the Doctor.
+
+"'I know her, but don't worry--I shall not betray your confidence. I
+knew her husband. It wore him out looking after the charge-it
+department. Now she's trying to get Harry Delance for his job.'
+
+"'She's badly in need of a clerk,' said the Doctor, 'and I hope she
+gets one. He could look after the pimples as well as I can.'
+
+"Many were getting ready for the ball, but this lady was the only one
+I knew of who had spent a hundred dollars for facial improvement.
+Harry, however, was about to spend a thousand dollars for the
+improvement of his conscience. It was one of the necessary expenses
+and it came about in this way:
+
+"The day of the ball had arrived. Harry came to see me about noon. He
+said that he had been busy all the morning with preparations for the
+ball, but--
+
+"He showed me a telegram. It was from Roger Daniels, and it said:
+
+"'The recent slump in the market has put me in hell's hole. Please
+wire one thousand dollars to Bridgeport, where I am hung up. If you
+do, I shall give you good collateral and eternal gratitude. If you
+don't, we shall have to miss the ball. Please remember that I am
+waiting at the other end of the wire like a hungry cat at a
+mouse-hole.'
+
+"Harry looked worried. The ball must come off, and, without Roger, it
+would be like Hamlet minus the melancholy Dane. It was a special
+compliment to Roger.
+
+"'What do you advise me to do?' he asked.
+
+"'Pay it.'
+
+"'It will probably be a dead loss.'
+
+"'Probably, but it's plainly up to you. He's got in trouble keeping
+your pace. To tell the honest truth, you're responsible for it, and
+the public will charge it to your account. You must pay the bill or
+suffer moral bankruptcy.'
+
+"Harry was taken by surprise.
+
+"'But I can pay for _my_ folly,' he said.
+
+"'Yes; but when it becomes another man's folly it's stolen property,
+and as much yours as ever. The goods have your mark on 'em, and, by
+and by, they're dumped at your door. They may be damaged by dirt and
+vermin, but you've got to take 'em.
+
+"'After all, Harry, why should a young man whose education has cost
+a hundred thousand dollars, if a cent, be giving up his life to
+folly? You're too smart to spend the most of your time looking
+beautiful--trying to excite the admiration of women and the envy
+of men. That might do in some of the old countries where the
+people are as dumb as cattle and are capable only of the emotion of
+awe and need professional gentlemen to excite it, and to feed upon
+their substance. Here the people have their moments of weakness, but
+mostly they are pretty level-headed. They judge men by what they do,
+not by what they look like. The professional gentleman is first an
+object of curiosity and then an object of scorn. He's not for us.
+Young man, I knew your father and your grandfather. I like you and
+want you to know that I am speaking kindly, but you ought to go to
+work.'
+
+"'Mr. Potter, he said, 'upon my word, sir, I'm going to work one of
+these days--at something--I don't know what.'
+
+"'The sooner the better,' I said. 'Work is the thing that makes
+men--nothing else. In Pointview everybody used to work. Now here are
+some facts for your genealogy that you haven't discovered. Your
+grandfather and grandmother raised a family of nine children and never
+had a servant--think of that. Your grandmother made clothes for the
+family and did all the work of the house. She was a doctor, a nurse, a
+teacher, a spinner, a weaver, a knitter, a sewer, a cook, a
+washerwoman, a gentle and tender mother. Now we are beginning to rot
+with idleness.
+
+"'Let me tell you a story of a modern lady of Pointview.'
+
+"Then I told him of the Doctor's call on the pimpled queen at
+midnight, and added:
+
+"'Think of that! Think of the fathomless depths of vanity and
+selfishness that lie under that pimple. It's a monument more sublime
+than the Matterhorn. Think of the poor fellow that has to marry that
+human millstone, and be the clerk of her charge-it department.'
+
+"'I can think of no worse luck, really,' said he. 'I wonder who it
+is!'
+
+"'Doctors never give names,' I said. 'But you might look for the
+little black square of court-plaster."
+
+"'By Jove!' he exclaimed. 'I shall look with interest.'
+
+"The ball came off, and Roger got there, and so did the lady and the
+square of black court-plaster; and that night Harry began a new stage
+in his career.
+
+"After all, Harry was no dunce, but he was not yet convinced."
+
+
+
+
+IV
+
+IN WHICH SOCRATES ENCOUNTERS "NEW THOUGHT" AND PSYCHOLOGICAL HAIR
+
+
+"When people have little to do they go back to childishness. They long
+for novelty--new playthings, new adventures, new sensations, new
+friends. So our upper classes are utterly restless. Every old pleasure
+is a slough of despond. The ladies have tried jewels, laces, crests,
+titled husbands, divorces, gambling, cocktails, cigarettes, and other
+branches of exhilaration. They have passed through the slums of
+literature and of the East Side of Gotham. The gentlemen have shown
+them the way and smiled with amusement and gone on to greater
+triumphs. To these people every old idea is 'bromide.' It bores them.
+They scoff at men 'who take themselves seriously.' In a word, Moses
+and the Prophets are so much 'dope.' And they are excellent people who
+really want to make the world better, but the childish craze for
+novelty is upon them. Mrs. Revere-Chalmers was one of this kind. Harry
+came to me next day at my house and said:
+
+"'By Jove! you know, it was my friend Mrs. R.-C. who wore the black
+square. But she is really a charming woman--not at all a bad sort. I
+want you to know her better. She made me promise to bring you over
+to-morrow afternoon if you would come.'
+
+"We went. It was a 'new-thought' tea--a deep, brain-racking,
+forefinger-on-the-brow function. You could see the thoughts of the
+ladies and sometimes hear them as a 'professor' with long hair and
+smiles of fathomless inspiration wrapped himself in obscurity and
+called unto them out of the depths. He was all depth. They gazed at
+his soulful eyes and plunged into deep thought, catching at straws,
+and he returned to New York by the next train and probably made
+another payment, on account, to his landlady. Tea and conversation
+followed his departure.
+
+"I had observed that Mrs. Revere-Chalmers had undergone a singular
+change of aspect, but failed to locate the point of difference until a
+sister had said to her in a tone of honeyed deviltry:
+
+"'My dear, you are growing younger--quite surely younger, and your
+hair is so lovely and so--different! You know what I mean--it has the
+luster of youth, and the shade is adorable without a trace of gray in
+it.'
+
+"This last phrase was the point of the dagger, and Mrs. Chalmers felt
+it. Sure enough, her hair had changed its hue, and was undeniably
+fuller and younger.
+
+"Then our hostess gave out a confession which has made some history
+and is fully qualified to make more. It is a curious fact that one who
+is abnormal enough to commit a crime is apt to have poor caution.
+
+"'I have been taking lessons of the Professor, and have produced this
+hair by concentration,' said she. 'It is a creation of the new thought
+and so wonderful I could almost forgive one for not believing me.'
+
+"'A gem of thought--a hair poem!' I could not help exclaiming. 'Did it
+come all at once, in a flood of inspiration, or hair by hair?'
+
+"'All at once,' she answered.
+
+"I charged it and went on as if nothing great had happened.
+
+"'Considered as a work of the imagination, it is wonderful, and should
+rank with the best of Shakespeare's,' I assured her. 'But it will
+subject you to unsuspected perils, for your footstool will be the
+shrine of the hairless and you shall see the top of every bald head
+in America.'
+
+"Another lady sprang to her assistance by telling how she had
+extracted a pearl necklace from an unwilling husband who had said that
+he couldn't afford it, by concentration. The new thought had fetched
+him.
+
+"The noble unselfishness with which they had used this miraculous gift
+of the spirit appealed to Harry and to me.
+
+"In that brilliant company was a slim woman of the armored cruiser
+type, who had come to Betsey one day and said:
+
+"'You're spoiling your husband. You make too much of him. You don't
+seem to know how to manage a husband, and the husbands of Pointview
+are being ruined by your example. They expect too much of us. We women
+have got to stand together. Don't you read the _Female Gazette_?'
+
+"'No--I have been waiting till I could get a rubber-plant and other
+accessories,' said Betsey.
+
+"'Well, it may not be _en règle_, but it is full of good sense,' said
+the lady. 'I've brought an article with me that I wish you would
+read.'
+
+"She left the article, and its title was 'How to Manage a Husband.' It
+averred that too much petting, too much indulgence, made a man selfish
+and conceited; that affection should be administered with scientific
+reserve. Men should be taught to wait on themselves, and all that.
+
+"They called on me for remarks, and I said:
+
+"'I am glad to have become acquainted with the power of concentration.
+I propose that we all quit work and begin to concentrate. Matter is
+only a creation of spirit. Let us exercise our several sovereign
+spirits and try to turn out a better line of matter. Let us have fewer
+rocks and stones and more comforts. Sweat and toil are a great
+mistake. Let us turn Delance's Hill into plum-pudding and the stones
+thereof into caramels and its pond into tomato-soup. Why not? They
+have no reality, no substance. They are nothing but thoughts--and our
+thoughts, at that--and why shouldn't we change 'em? But somehow we
+can't fetch it. According to the Professor, we have got into the habit
+of thinking in terms of rock, soil, and water, and we can't get over
+it. There are some few of us who stand for better things; but the
+majority keep thinking in the old rut, and we can't sway them. The
+Professor says that all we need is to get together and agree and then
+concentrate. But agreement doesn't seem to be necessary. You know that
+there was a time when everybody, after much concentration, agreed that
+the world was flat--everybody but one man. Now the world was stubborn.
+It wouldn't give up. It hung on to its roundness, and let the people
+think what they pleased. They tried to flatten it with countless tons
+of concentration, but it held its shape. The one man had his way
+about it. So don't be discouraged by an adverse majority on this
+plum-pudding project. One lady has shown us a sample of concentrated
+hair, and it looks good to me. Why all this striving, all this trouble
+about the problems of life and death, when the straight, broad way of
+concentration is open to us? Why shouldn't we have concentrated bread
+and meat and shoes and socks and silks.
+
+"'Now the subject of concentration is by no means new. It has been a
+success for centuries. The late Dr. Guph tells in his memoirs of a
+singular race of people known as the Flub Dubs who once dwelt on the
+lost isle of Atlantis. They were the greatest concentrators that ever
+lived. Every one thought that he was the greatest man in the world,
+and thought it so hard and so persistently that it came true--in a
+way. Naturally they aimed high, and every man thought himself the
+rightful king, and a strife arose over the crown, so that no one
+could wear it and many were slain in a great tussle. And when they
+were resting from their struggles one rose and said: "Kings of the
+realm, you are as the dust under my feet. I scorn you. A few minutes
+ago I decided to reverse my concentrator and aim at a higher goal. It
+was easy of attainment. I have suddenly become the biggest fool on
+this island and the humblest of all men."
+
+"'The announcement was greeted with great applause, and within three
+minutes his popularity had so enhanced that they put him on the
+throne. Such was the power of truth. And all confessed and joined his
+party, and he was known as the wisest king of the Flub Dubs.
+
+"'The moral that Dr. Guph adduces is this: You cannot make figs out of
+thistles, and unregulated concentration leads to trouble.'
+
+"Harry and I started for home in a deep silence.
+
+"'Hell!' I exclaimed, presently.
+
+"'And that reminds me that I feel like the king of the Flub Dubs,'
+said Harry.
+
+"'Which indicates that you are likely to decline the office,' I
+remarked.
+
+"'It's serious business--this matter of finding a wife,' he declared.
+
+"'What's the matter with Marie Benson?' I asked. 'There's a real woman
+and the best-looking girl in Connecticut.'
+
+"'Charming girl!' he exclaimed. 'But, dear boy! she talks too much.'
+
+"'That is a fault that could be remedied; and, after all, it's a kind
+of generosity. It's the very opposite of concentration.'
+
+"'Ah--if she would only reform!' he said.
+
+"'Leave that to me,' I answered, as he dropped me at my door."
+
+
+
+
+V
+
+IN WHICH SOCRATES DISCUSSES THE OVER-PRODUCTION OF TALK
+
+
+"Marie was my ward, and as pretty a girl as ever led a bulldog or ate
+a box of chocolates at a sitting. She was a charming fish-hook, baited
+with beauty and wealth and culture and remarkable innocence. She had
+dangled about on mama's rod and line for a year or so, but the fish
+wouldn't bite. For that reason I grabbed the rod from the old lady and
+put on a bait of silence and a sinker, and moved to deep water and
+began to do business.
+
+"Marie had a failing, for which, I am sorry to say, she was in no way
+distinguished. She talked too much, as Harry had said. There are too
+many American women who talk too much. Marie's mother used to talk
+about six-thirds of the time. You had to hear it, and then you had to
+get over it. She had a way of spiking the shoes of Time so that every
+hour felt like a month while it was running over you. You ought to
+have seen her climb the family tree or the sturdy old chestnut of her
+own experience and shake down the fruit! Marie had one more tree in
+her orchard. She had added the spreading peach of a liberal education
+to the deadly upas of Benson genealogy and the sturdy old chestnut of
+mama's experience. The _vox Bensonorum_ was as familiar as the
+Congregational bell. The supply of it exceeded the demand, and after
+every one was loaded and ready to cast off, the barrels came rolling
+down the chute.
+
+"The next time I saw Marie she was a bit cast down. She wished me to
+suggest something for her to do. Said she wanted a mission--a chance
+to do some good in the world. Thought she'd enjoy being a nurse. I
+felt sorry for the girl, and suddenly I saw the flicker of a brilliant
+thought.
+
+"'Marie,' I said, 'as a member of The Society of Useful Women you are
+under a serious obligation, and you have taste for missionary work.
+Well, what's the matter with beginning on Nancy Doolittle? You owe her
+a duty and ought to have the courage--nay, the kindness--to perform
+it. Nancy talks too much.'
+
+"'Well, I should say so,' said Marie. 'Nancy is a scourge--I have
+often thought of it.'
+
+"'She's downright wasteful,' I went on. 'She fills every hour with
+information, and then throws on some more. It keeps coming. Your seams
+open, and then it's every hand to the pumps! Dora Perkins and Rebecca
+Ford are just as extravagant. They toss out gems of thought and
+chunks of knowledge as if they were as common as caramels.
+
+"'You should go to these girls and kindly but firmly remind them of
+this fault. Tell them that too much conversation has created more old
+maids and grass and parlor widows than any other cause. Give them a
+little lecture on the old law of supply and demand. Show them that it
+applies to conversation as well as to cabbages--that if one's talk is
+too plentiful, it becomes very cheap. Suggest that if Methuselah had
+lived until now and witnessed all the adventures of the human race, he
+couldn't afford to waste his knowledge. If he talked only half the
+time nobody would believe him. They'd think he was crazy, and they'd
+know why, in past ages, everybody had died but him, and they'd wonder
+how he had managed to survive the invention of gunpowder. These girls
+have overestimated the value of good-will. Their securities are not
+well secured. There are millions of watered stock in their
+treasuries, and it isn't worth five cents on the dollar. Marie, you
+can have a lot of fun. I almost envy you.
+
+"'Tell these girls that the remedy is simple. They must be careful to
+regulate the supply to the demand. They could easily raise the price
+above par by denying now and then that they have any conversation in
+the treasury.'
+
+"Marie promised to undertake this important work, and I knew that in
+connection with it she would also get some valuable advice.
+
+"You see, this tendency to extravagant display has sunk in very deep.
+Our young people really do know a lot, and they want others to know
+that they know it. They are plumed with culture, and it has become a
+charge instead of a credit.
+
+"Well, things began to mend. Betsey and I went to dine with the
+Bensons one evening, and Marie was as quiet as a lamb. She answered
+modestly when we spoke to her. She told no stories; her jeweled crown
+of culture was not in sight; she listened with notable success, and
+delighted us with well-managed and illuminating silence. Neither she
+nor her mother nor Mrs. Bryson ventured to interrupt the talk of a
+noted professor who dined with us. Marie was charming.
+
+"After dinner she led me into the library, where we sat down
+together.
+
+"She seemed a little embarrassed, and presently said, with a laugh, 'I
+had a talk with those girls, as you suggested.'
+
+"'What did they say?' I asked.
+
+"'What didn't they say?' she exclaimed. 'They flew at me like
+wildcats. They tore me to pieces--said I was the most dreaded talker
+in Pointview, that I had talked a steady stream ever since I was born,
+that nobody had a chance to get in a word with me, that I had made all
+the boys sick who ever came to see me. What do you think of that?'
+
+[Illustration: "WHAT DIDN'T THEY SAY? THEY FLEW AT ME LIKE WILDCATS."]
+
+"'It's a gross exaggeration!' I said.
+
+"'Well, I thought it over, and made up my mind they were right,' she
+went on. 'We kissed and made up and organized the Listeners' Circle,
+and mama and Mrs. Bryson and Mrs. Doolittle have joined. Our purpose
+is to regulate our talk supply very strictly to the demand.'
+
+"'It's a grand idea!' I exclaimed. 'The Ladies' Talk and Information
+Trust! Why, it will soon control the entire product of Pointview, and
+can fix the price. Marie, it's only a matter of time when the
+conversation of you girls is going to be in the nature of a luxury and
+as much desired as diamonds. It won't be long before some young fellow
+will offer his life for one word from you.'
+
+"'Oh, _I'm_ hopeless! Nobody cares for me--not a soul!' said Marie.
+
+"'Wait and give 'em a chance,' I answered.
+
+"'Do you think it's true that I've been such a pestilence?' she
+asked, as her fingers toyed with the upholstery. 'You know you've been
+a kind of father to me, and I want you to tell me frankly if I've
+really made the boys sick.'
+
+"'Why, my dear child, if I were a young man I'd be kneeling at your
+feet,' I said; and no wonder, for they were a beautiful pair of feet,
+and none ever supported a nobler girl. Then I went on: 'Marie, your
+talk is charming. The demand continues. I feel honored by your
+confidence. Please go on.'
+
+"'I believe I've been foolish without knowing it,' she said, her smile
+beautiful with its sadness.
+
+"'My dear child, if there were no folly in the world it would be a
+stupid place, and I for one should want to move,' I said. 'Some never
+discover their own follies, and they _are_ hopeless. You are as wise
+as you are dear. It's in your power to do a lot of good. Think what
+you've already accomplished. I wish you would continue to help us
+discourage foolish display in America.
+
+"'Are there any more chestnuts in the fire?' she asked, with a laugh.
+'Not that I'm afraid. I suppose the fire is good for me.'
+
+"'Marie, I love your fingers too well to burn them unduly,' I said.
+'By the way, I expect that Harry Delance will be wanting to marry you
+soon.'
+
+"'Harry!' she exclaimed. 'I talked him to death--and out of the
+notion--long ago, and I'm not sorry. He isn't my kind.'
+
+"'Harry's a good fellow,' I insisted.
+
+"'But he's so dreadfully nice--such a hopeless aristocrat! Grandfather
+would have a fit. I want a big, full-blooded, brawny chap, who isn't a
+slave to his coat and trousers--the kind of man you've talked so much
+about--one who could get his hands dirty and be a gentleman. I'm
+longing for the outdoor life--and the outdoor man to live it with
+me.'
+
+"'Give Harry a chance--his uneducation had only just begun,' I urged.
+
+"I left Marie with a rather serious look in her face, and began to
+wonder how I should accomplish the uneducation of Harry.
+
+"That young man came to see me, in a day or two, at our home. My new
+set of Smollett lay on the piano, and he greatly admired it. Above all
+things Harry loved books, and his specialty was Smollett; he had read
+every tale in the series, at college, and made a mark with his thesis
+on 'The Fathers of English Fiction.' He spent an hour of delight with
+those books of mine. Then he said to me:
+
+"'Only fifty copies printed?'
+
+"'Only fifty,' I said.
+
+"'Could I get a set?'
+
+"'All sold,' I assured him, 'but I shall be glad to give these books
+to you on two conditions.'
+
+"He turned in astonishment.
+
+"'They can do you no further harm, and my first request is that you do
+not lend them. My second is that you take them home in my wheelbarrow
+by daylight with your own hands.'
+
+"He silently demurred.
+
+"'At last those books have a chance to do some little good in the
+world, and I don't want them to lose it,' I urged. 'The hands,
+feet, and legs of the high and low born are slowly being deprived of
+their rights in this community. Pride is robbing them of their
+ancient and proper offices. How many of the young men and women of
+our acquaintance would be seen on the street with a package in their
+hands, to say nothing of a wheelbarrow? Their souls are above it!'
+
+"'Why should they carry packages and roll wheelbarrows?' Harry asked.
+'Stores deliver goods these days.'
+
+"'That's one reason why it costs so much to live. We have to pay for
+our pride and our indolence and the delivery of the goods. It's all
+charged in the bill. Some member of the family used to go to market
+every morning with his basket and carry the goods home with him.'
+
+"'It would be ridiculous for me to do that,' said Harry. 'We're able
+to pay the bills.'
+
+"'But you're doing a great injustice to those who are not. You make
+the delivery system a necessary thing, and those who can't afford it
+have to help you stand the expense--a gross injustice. I want you to
+help me in this cause of the hand and foot. Your example would be full
+of inspiration. Excuse me a moment.'
+
+"I went for the wheelbarrow and rolled it up to the front door. Then
+we brought out the books and loaded them. That done, I seized the
+handles of the barrow.
+
+"'Come on,' I said. 'I'll do the work--you share the disgrace with
+me.'
+
+"My gray hairs were too much for him.
+
+"'No; give me the handles,' he insisted. 'If it won't hurt you, it
+won't hurt me--that's sure.'
+
+"So, in his silk hat and frock-coat and spats, with a carnation in his
+buttonhole, he seized the wheelbarrow like a man, and away we went. I
+steered him up the Main Street, and people began to hail us with
+laughter from automobiles, and to jest with us on the sidewalk, and
+Marie came along with two other pretty girls, and the barrow halted in
+a gale of merriment.
+
+"'What in the world are you doing?' one of them asked.
+
+"'It's the remains of the late Mr. Smollett,' I explained.
+
+"'I'm setting an example to the young,' said Harry, as he mopped his
+forehead. 'Couldn't help it. I had to do this thing.'
+
+"'Great!' Marie exclaimed. 'Simply great! I'm going to get me a
+wheelbarrow.'
+
+"She would take hold of the handles and try it, and went on half a
+block in spite of our protests, creating much excitement.
+
+"That was the first rude beginning of The Basket and Wheelbarrow
+Brigade in Pointview, of which I shall tell you later. And now I shall
+explain my generosity--it can generally be explained--and how I came
+by the Smollett."
+
+
+
+
+VI
+
+IN WHICH BETSEY COMMITS AN INDISCRETION
+
+
+"Christmas was approaching, and Betsey said to me one day that she had
+been guilty of a great extravagance.
+
+"'I know you will forgive me just this once,' she went on. 'My love
+for you is so extravagant that I had to keep pace with it. You've
+simply got to accept something very grand.'
+
+"'I can't think of anything that I need unless it's a new jack-knife,'
+I said.
+
+"'Nonsense!' she exclaimed. 'You've got to let me spend some money for
+you. I've been held down in the expression of my affections as long as
+I can stand it. I've doubled my charities since we were married, as a
+token of my gratitude, and now I've a right to do something to please
+myself.'
+
+"'All right! We'll lift the lid,' I said. 'We can lie about it, I
+suppose, and cover up our folly.'
+
+"'Well, of course we don't have to tell what it cost,' said Betsey;
+'and, Socrates, you can't expect to reform me in a year. It's taken
+half a lifetime to acquire my follies.'
+
+"That's one trouble with the whole problem. You can't tear down a
+structure which has been slowly rising for half a century in a day, or
+in many days.
+
+"Christmas arrived, and Betsey went down-stairs with me and covered my
+eyes in the hall and led me to the grand piano. Then I was permitted
+to look, and there was the most gorgeous set of books that my eyes
+ever beheld--a set of Smollett, in lovely brown calf, decorated with
+magnificent gold tooling! Yes, I love such things--who doesn't?--and
+I gave Betsey a great hug, and we sat down with tears in our eyes to
+look at the pages of vellum and the wonderful etchings which adorned
+so many of them. They were charming. I knew that the books had cost at
+least a thousand dollars. Grandpa Smead looked awfully stern in his
+gold frame on the wall.
+
+"'Now don't think too badly of me,' she urged. 'Every poor family
+within twenty miles is eating dinner at my expense this Christmas
+Day.'
+
+"'You are the dearest girl in all the land!' I said. 'There's nobody
+like you.'
+
+"'I knew that you were fond of the classics,' said Betsey, 'so I
+consulted Harry Delance, and he suggested that I should give you a set
+of Smollett; said it would renew your youth. You know he's devoted to
+Smollett.'
+
+"'And why shouldn't we keep up with Harry?' I said.
+
+"'Well, you know he took the first prize in literature, and ought to
+have excellent taste. Then the young man who sold the set to me is
+working his way through Yale. I was glad to help him, too; he
+recommended these books--said they were moral and uplifting--not at
+all like the modern trash. He knew that we enjoyed home reading. Mary
+will read them aloud to us, and we'll enjoy them together.'
+
+"This father of romance was not unknown to me, and I did not share her
+confidence in the joys ahead of us, but said nothing.
+
+"After a fine dinner Betsey wanted to start in at once. We sat down by
+the fireside while her secretary began to read aloud from one of the
+treasured volumes. I had not read the story, and chose it as being the
+least likely to make trouble. In a short time we came to rough going
+and the young woman began to falter.
+
+"'That will do,' said Betsey, suddenly, as I tried to conceal my
+emotions.
+
+"She took the book from the hands of her secretary and read on in
+silence for a minute or so.
+
+"'My land!' she exclaimed, with a look of horror. 'That book would
+corrupt the morals of John Bunyan.'
+
+"'Never mind; John never lived in Pointview,' I argued. 'He didn't
+have a chance to get hardened.'
+
+"Betsey had a determined look in her face, and rang for the coachman.
+
+"'I'll have them stored in the stable,' said she, firmly.
+
+"'If you don't keep it locked, all the women in the neighborhood'll be
+in there,' I warned her, knowing that she couldn't help telling her
+friends of what had happened.
+
+"'That's no reason why the men should be unduly exposed,' said Betsey.
+'Poor things! It's my duty to protect _you_ as long as I can,
+Socrates.'
+
+"I promised to get rid of the books somehow, and persuaded her to let
+them stay where they were until I had had time to think about it. Then
+she said:
+
+"'Socrates, forgive me. I didn't mean it, and I wanted to be so nice
+to you. I guess it's a just punishment for my extravagance. I thought
+the modern novels were bad enough. What can I do for you now?'
+
+"'Always, when you're in doubt, do nothing,' I suggested.
+
+"'Oh, I know what I'll do!' she exclaimed, joyfully. 'I'll knit you a
+pair of socks with my own hands.'
+
+"'Eureka!' I shouted. 'Those socks shall make footprints on the sands
+of time.'"
+
+
+
+
+VII
+
+IN WHICH SOCRATES ATTACKS THE WORST DOERS AND BEST SELLERS
+
+
+"One evening, soon after that, Betsey and I went to a party at Deacon
+Benson's. The Deacon is Marie's grandfather--a strict, old-line
+Congregationalist. The old gentleman owned some two hundred acres in
+the very heart of Pointview and about a mile of shore-front. In all
+the buying and selling, he had refused to part with an acre of his
+land, now worth at least a million dollars. He had willed it all to
+Marie.
+
+"Deacon Joe was a relic of Puritan days, with shrewd eyes under heavy
+gray tufts, and a mouth bent like a sickle, and whiskers under a
+strong chin, and lines in his face that suggested the heart of a lion.
+In his walks he was always accompanied by a hickory cane and a bulldog
+whose countenance and philosophy were like unto those of the Deacon.
+
+"He was a perfectly honest man who had joined the church with mental
+reservations. He had reserved the right to employ certain adjectives
+and nouns which had been useful in Pointview since the days of the
+pioneer, and which had grown more and more indispensable to the
+opinions of an honest man. The verb 'to damn' in all its parts and
+relations had been one of them. The word 'hell' was another. It
+represented a thing of great conversational value, and he recommended
+it with perfect frankness to certain people. He loved hell and hard
+cider, and hated Episcopalians. He loved to tell how one Episcopalian
+had cheated him in a horse trade, and how another had never paid for a
+bushel of onions. That was enough for him. He had always thought them
+a loose, unprincipled lot with no adequate respect for fire and
+brimstone. But Deacon Joe was honest, and his word was worth a hundred
+cents on the dollar.
+
+"Now the Delances were Episcopalians from away back--High-Church
+Episcopalians, at that. The old man had sniffed a good deal when Harry
+began to pay attention to Marie, and had come to see me about it.
+
+"I eased his fears and appealed to his avarice. Harry had too much
+money and some follies, I confessed, but he was sound at heart, and I
+had hope of making a strong man of him, and of course his money might
+be a great lever in his hands.
+
+"'Very well--we'll keep an eye on him,' he snapped, and left me
+without another word.
+
+"After that Marie was allowed to go out with the young man in his drag
+and tandem.
+
+"Harry and his sister came to the party at Deacon Joe's, and brought
+with them a late volume of D'Annunzio for Marie to read. Harry wished
+to know if I had read it, and gave us a talk on the realism of this
+modern Italian author.
+
+"Again I drew on the memoirs of Dr. Godfrey Vogeldam Guph, and this
+time I explained that the learned doctor had all the talents but one.
+He never told a lie--never but once, and that was on his death-bed.
+Yes, it was a little late, but still it was in time to save his
+reputation, and, possibly, even his soul. To a man of his parts the
+truth had always been good enough, and lying unnecessary. If he had
+told a lie it wouldn't have amounted to anything--everybody would have
+believed it. He wouldn't have got any credit--poor man! He had no more
+use for a lie than a fish has for a mackintosh--until he came to his
+last touching words, which were delivered to a minister and his sister
+Sophia, who had been reading to him from a book of D'Annunzio.
+
+"'My chance has arrived at last,' he said to Sophia, 'and in order
+that I may make the most of it, you will please send for a minister.'
+
+"The latter came, and, seeing the book, asked the good man if he had
+read it.
+
+"'Alas! my friend, that it should be necessary for me to tell a lie on
+my death-bed,' said the Doctor. 'But now, at last, I tell it proudly
+and promptly. I have not read that book.'
+
+"'And therein I do clearly see the truth,' said the wise old
+minister.
+
+"'Which is this,' the learned Doctor confessed. 'I have come to an
+hour when a lie, and nothing but a lie, can show my sense of shame. I
+solemnly swear that I have not read it!'
+
+"'Well, at least you're a noble liar,' said the man of God. 'I absolve
+you.'
+
+"'I claim no credit--I am only doing my duty,' said the good Doctor,
+with a sign of ineffable peace.
+
+"As soon as I could get his attention, I called Harry aside and
+whispered: 'In Heaven's name, boy, get hold of that book and hang on
+to it.'
+
+"'Why?' he asked.
+
+"'You don't know the old man as I do--that's why,' I said. 'If he
+should happen to read it, he'd go after you with his grandfather's
+sword the next time you showed up here.'
+
+"Marie stood near us, and I beckoned to her, and she came to my side.
+
+"'The book,' said Harry--'would you let me take it?'
+
+"'I took it to my grandfather, and he is reading it in his room,' she
+answered. 'Shall I go and get it?'
+
+"Harry hesitated.
+
+"'He won't mind,' said Marie; 'I'll go and get it.'
+
+"And away she went.
+
+"She came back to us soon, a bit embarrassed.
+
+"'He seems to be very much interested and--and a little cross,' said
+she. 'I think he will bring it out to you soon.'
+
+"Harry turned pale.
+
+"'You look sick, old man,' I said.
+
+"'I'm not feeling very well,' said he, 'and I think I shall excuse
+myself and go home.'
+
+"There was danger of a scene, but he got away unharmed. By and by the
+lionhearted deacon came out of his room, asked severely for 'young
+Delance,' wandered through the crowd, answered indignantly a few
+inquiries about his health, and returned to his lair.
+
+"I saw that the Deacon was mad. New New England had imprudently bumped
+into old New England, and it was too soon to estimate the damage."
+
+The Honorable Socrates Potter laughed as he filled his pipe, and
+resumed with an attitude of ease and comfort;
+
+"I'm a bit of a Puritan myself, although I understood Harry better
+than did the Deacon. The young people have been captured by the
+frankness of the Latin races. They call it emancipation. Travel and
+the higher education have opened the storage vats of foreign
+degeneracy and piped them into our land. Certain young men who have
+been 'finished' abroad, where they filled their souls with Latin
+lewdness, have turned it into fiction and a source of profit. Women
+buy their books and rush through them, and only touch the low places.
+There they lie entranced, thick as autumnal leaves that strew the
+brooks in Vallombrosa. Like the women in the sack of Ismail, they sit
+them down and watch for the adultery to begin.
+
+"The imagination of the old world seems to have gone wild--Oscar
+Wilde! How the Oscars have thriven there since the first of them went
+to jail!--a degenerate dynasty!--hiding the stench of spiritual rot
+with the perfume of faultless rhetoric, speaking the unspeakable with
+the tongues of angels and of prophets! And mostly, my boy, they have
+thriven on the dollars of American women under the leadership of
+modern culture. And, you know, the maiden follows mama. She is an
+apologist of sublime lewdness, of emancipated human caninity. Now I am
+no prude. I can stand a fairly strong touch of human nature. I can
+even put up with a good deal of the frankness of the cat and dog. But
+the frankness of some modern authors makes me sorry that Adam was a
+common ancestor of theirs and mine. It's a disgrace to Adam and the
+whole human brotherhood. We sons of the Puritans ought to get busy in
+the old cause. Noah had the good sense to keep the animals and the
+people apart, and that's what we've always stood for."
+
+
+
+
+VIII
+
+IN WHICH SOCRATES ATTACKS THE HELMET AND THE BATTLE-AX
+
+
+"Marie came to see us at our home next morning and began to cry as
+soon as she had sat down in the library. The thing I had looked for
+had come to pass. Her grandfather had dropped Harry from his list, and
+warned him to keep off the rag-carpet. There was to be no more
+prancing around in the 'toot-coach' and the 'Harry-cart,' as he called
+them, for Marie. In his view it was the surest means of getting to
+perdition. Harry was an idler, and he had always found that an idle
+brain was the devil's workshop. Marie might be polite to the young
+man, but she must keep her side of the road and see that there was
+always plenty of room between them.
+
+"'He's so hateful,' Marie said of her grandfather. 'He made such a
+fuss about our getting a crest that we've a perfect right to! Mama had
+to give it up.'
+
+"'What! Do you mean to tell me that you have no crest!' I inquired,
+anxiously.
+
+"'We have one, but we cannot use it; our hands are tied,' was her
+sorrowful answer.
+
+"'I'm astonished. Why, everybody is going to have a crest in
+Pointview.
+
+"'The other day I suggested to Bridget Maloney, our pretty chambermaid,
+that she ought to have the Maloney crest on her letter-heads.
+
+"'"What's that?" says Bridget.
+
+"'"What's that!" I said, with a look of pity.
+
+"'Then I showed her a letter from Mrs. Van Alstyne, with a lion and a
+griffin cuffing each other black and blue at the top of the sheet.
+
+"'"It's grand!" said she.
+
+"'"It's the Van Alstyne crest," I said. "It's a proof of respectability.
+Aren't you as good as they are?"
+
+"'"Every bit!" said she.
+
+"'"That's what I thought. Don't you often feel as if you were better
+than a good many people you know?"
+
+"'"Sure I do."
+
+"'"Well, that's a sign that you're blue-blooded," said I. "Probably
+you've got a king in your family somewhere. A crest shows that you
+suspect your ancestors--nothing more than that. It isn't proof, so
+there's no reason why you shouldn't have it. You ought not to be going
+around without a crest, as if you were a common servant-girl. Why,
+every kitchen-maid will be thinking she's as good as you are. You want
+to be in style. You have money in the bank, and not half the people
+who have crests are as well able to afford 'em."
+
+"'"How much do they cost?"
+
+[Illustration: "'IT'S THE VAN ALSTYNE CREST,' I SAID. 'IT'S A PROOF OF
+RESPECTABILITY.'"]
+
+"'"Nothing--at least, yours'll cost nothing, Bridget. I shall be glad
+to buy one for you."
+
+"'The simple girl thanked me, and I found the Maloney crest for her,
+and had the plate made and neatly engraved on a hundred sheets of
+paper.
+
+"'Next week the Pointview _Advocate_ will print this item: "Miss
+Bridget Maloney, the genial chambermaid of Mrs. Socrates Potter, uses
+the Maloney crest on her letter-heads. She is said to be a lineal
+descendant of his Grace Bryan Maloney, one of the early dukes of
+Ireland."
+
+"'Bridget is haughty, well-mannered, and a neat dresser. She's a
+pace-maker in her set. Even the high-headed servants of Warburton
+House imitate her hats and gowns.
+
+"'Yesterday Katie O'Neil, one of Mrs. Warburton's maids, came to me
+for information as to the heraldry of her house. I found a crest for
+Katie; and then came Mary Maginness; and Bertha Schimpfelheim, the
+daughter of a real German count; and one August Bernheimer, a young
+barber of baronial blood; and Pietro Cantaveri, our prosperous
+bootblack, who was the grandson of an Italian countess; and so it
+goes, and soon all the high-born servers of Pointview will be supplied
+with armorial bearings.
+
+"'These claims to distinction shall be soberly chronicled in the
+_Advocate_. Not one is to be overlooked or treated with any lack of
+respect. On the contrary, the whole thing will be exploited with a
+proper sense of awe.'
+
+"Marie laughed.
+
+"'Wait till I tell mama,' she said. 'It's lucky you told me. It's
+saved us. I guess grandfather was right about that.'
+
+"'And he's right about Harry, too,' I said. 'But don't despair; I'm
+trying to put a new mainspring in the boy. If I succeed, your
+grandfather may have to change his mind.'
+
+"She went away comforted, but not happy.
+
+"Well, I went on with the crest campaign. Bertha, Pietro, and the
+others got their crests and saw their names in the paper.
+
+"The supply of crests was soon perfectly adequate, and among our best
+people the demand for them began to diminish, and suddenly ceased. The
+beast rampant and couchant, the helmet and the battle-ax, associated
+only with mixed tenses and misplaced capitals according to their
+ancient habit. This chambermaid grammar was referred to by my friend,
+Dr. Guph, as the 'battle-ax brand'--a designation of some merit.
+Expensive stationery fell into the fireplaces of Pointview, and
+armorial plates were found in the garbage. The family trees of the
+village were deserted. Not a bird twittered in their branches. The
+subject of genealogy was buried in deep silence, save when the
+irreverent referred to some late addition to our new aristocracy.
+
+"Now I want to make it clear that we have no disrespect for the
+customs of any foreign land. If I were living in a foreign land and
+needed evidence of my respectability, I'd have a crest, if it was
+likely to prove my case. But America was founded by the sons of the
+yeomen, and the yeomen established their respectability with other
+evidence. Their brains were so often touched by the battle-ax that
+some of us have an hereditary shyness about the head, and we dodge at
+every baronial relic."
+
+
+
+
+IX
+
+IN WHICH SOCRATES INCREASES THE SUPPLY OF SPLENDOR
+
+
+"In due time the Society of Useful Women met at our house, and I was
+invited to make a few remarks, and said in effect:
+
+"'We are trying to correct the evil of extravagant display in
+America, and first I ask you to consider the cause of it. We find it
+in the ancient law of supply and demand. The reason that women love to
+array themselves in silk and laces and jewels and picture-hats and
+plumes of culture and sunbursts of genealogy lies in the fact that
+the supply of these things has generally been limited. Their cost is
+so high, therefore, that few can afford them, and those who wear
+them are distinguished from the common herd. This matter of buying
+distinction is the cause of our trouble. Now I propose that we
+increase the supply of jewels, silks, laces, picture-hats, and
+ancestors in Pointview--that we bring them within the reach of all,
+and aim a death-blow at the distinction to be obtained by displaying
+them. There isn't a servant-girl in this community who doesn't pant
+for luxuries. Why shouldn't she? I move that we have a committee
+to consider this inadequate supply of luxuries, with the power to
+increase the same at its own expense.'
+
+"I was appointed chairman of that committee, and went to work, with
+Betsey and Mrs. Warburton as coadjutors.
+
+"We stocked a store with clever imitations of silks, satins, and
+old lace, and the best assortment of Brummagem jewelry that could be
+raked together. We had a great show-case full of glittering
+paste--bracelets, tiaras, coronets, sunbursts, dog-collars, rings,
+necklaces--all extremely modish and so handsome that they would
+have deceived any but trained eyes. Our pearls and sapphires were
+especially attractive. We hired a skilled dressmaker, familiar
+with the latest modes, and a milliner who could imitate the most
+stunning hats on Fifth Avenue at reasonable prices. Every servant in
+good standing in our community was permitted to come and see and
+buy and say 'Charge it.'
+
+"Mrs. Warburton's ball for the servants of Pointview, to be given in
+the Town Hall, was coming near. It happened that the committee of
+arrangements included Marie and the young Reverend Robert Knowles.
+Their intimacy began in the work of that committee. For days they rode
+about in the minister's motor-car getting ready for the ball and for
+the greater intimacy that followed it.
+
+"Our ball sent its radiance over land and sea. Sunbursts shone like
+stars in the Milky Way. A fine orchestra furnished music. Reporters
+from New York and other cities were present.
+
+"The nurses, cooks, kitchen-girls, laundresses, and chambermaids of
+Pointview were radiant in silk, lace, diamonds, pearls, and rubies.
+The costumes were brilliant, but all in good taste. Alabaster? Why, my
+dear boy, they would have made the swell set resemble a convention of
+beanpoles. For the matter of busts, they busted the record!
+
+"The only mishap occurred when Bertha Schimpfelheim--some call her Big
+Bertha--slipped and fell in a waltz, injuring the knee of her
+companion. To my surprise the brainiest of these working-folk saw the
+satire in which they were taking part, and entered into it with all
+the more spirit because they knew.
+
+[Illustration: "RADIANT IN SILK, LACE, DIAMONDS, PEARLS, AND RUBIES"]
+
+"The presence of Mr. Warburton, Mr. and Mrs. Delance, Marie, and the
+Reverend Robert Knowles on the floor insured proper decorum and lent
+an air of seriousness to the event. It proved an effective background
+for Marie. She shone like a pigeon-blood ruby among garnets. She wore
+no jewels, and was distinguished only by her beauty and the simplicity
+of her costume and the unmistakable evidence of good breeding in her
+face and manners.
+
+"Harry sat with me in the gallery.
+
+"'She's wonderful!' he exclaimed. 'All this rococo ware simply
+emphasizes her charm. Only a girl of brains could carry it off as she
+does. She's among them and yet apart. An old duke once told me that if
+you want to know the rank of a lady, observe how she treats an
+inferior. It's quite true. By Jove! I'm in love with Marie, and I'm
+going to make her my wife if possible.'
+
+"'That's one really substantial result of the ball,' I said.
+
+"'Do you think that she cares for Knowles--that minister chap?'"
+
+"'I'm inclined to think that she likes you better,' I said.
+
+"'Is your inclination encouraged by evidence?'
+
+"'That query I must decline to answer,' said I.
+
+"'Well, you know, I'm not going to be long in doubt,' the boy
+declared, as he left me.
+
+"The event was an epoch-maker. Long reports of it appeared in the
+daily press and traveled far in a surge of thoughtful merriment. For
+instance: 'Miss Mary Maginness, the accomplished lady-in-waiting of
+Mrs. William Warburton, of Warburton House, wore a coronet and a
+dog-collar of diamonds above a costume of white brocaded satin,
+trimmed with old duchesse lace and gold ornaments. Miss Maginness is a
+lineal descendant of Lord Rawdon Maginness, of Cork, who early in the
+seventeenth century commanded an army that drove the Italians out of
+Ireland.'
+
+"And so it went, with column after column of glittering detail. Since
+then the servants have enjoyed a monopoly in splendor--it's been a
+kind of Standard Jewel Company, and certain rich men have boasted in
+my presence that they haven't a jewel in their houses; and one added
+with quite unneeded emphasis: 'Not a measly jewel. My wife says that
+they suggest dish-water and aprons.'
+
+"'It is too funny!' said Mrs. Warburton. 'You know those jewels at the
+ball were quite as real as many that are worn by ladies of fashion.
+Most rich women who want to save themselves worry keep their jewels in
+the strong-box and wear replicas of paste and composition.'
+
+"The instalment jeweler has gone out of business, and half a dozen
+servant-girls have refused to make further payments on their
+solitaires and returned them.
+
+"One singular thing happened. Nearly all those servants paid their
+bills to our store, and we closed out with an unexpected profit, while
+a number of stores who charged their goods to the noble band of
+employers have stopped for need of money."
+
+
+
+
+X
+
+IN WHICH SOCRATES BREAKS THE DRAG AND TANDEM MONOPOLY IN POINTVIEW
+
+
+"Harry's father came often for a smoke and talk with me after dinner,
+and his favorite subject was Harry. As a subject of conversation,
+Harry was more successful than the average crime. In this respect he
+resembled a divorce or a murder. That's how it happened that Harry got
+on my mind. He is one of the most skilful riders of the human mind
+that I know of. He was wearing us out, and we were all bucking to get
+him off. Well, his father was thinking about him while I was thinking
+about the rest of Pointview. It was another case of Rome and Cæsar.
+Harry's last achievement was to accuse his father of being the
+fossiliferous remnant of an ancient time.
+
+"'The truth is, Harry hasn't enough competition in his line,' I
+suggested, one evening. 'The other boys are doing well, but they don't
+keep up with him.
+
+"'You know after I left college, in my youth, I spent a couple of
+years in Wyoming. Well, Mary Ann Crowder was the only single lady
+within a hundred miles, and she was the most obstreperous damn critter
+that I ever saw. She had a monopoly an' knew it, an' wasn't decently
+polite. Put on more style than a nigger at a cakewalk. Though she had
+red hair an' only one eye, some of the boys used to ride sixty miles
+for a visit with her. Then they had to swim the Snake River and maybe
+wrestle with a tame bear that was loose in the dooryard. By and by a
+man with two unmarried daughters moved on to a ranch near us, and then
+Mary Ann began to be polite. She suddenly became a human being, an'
+killed the bear, an' moved across the river an' married the first man
+that proposed, and lived happily ever after.
+
+"'What we need here is another drag and tandem.'
+
+"'Get what you need, and I'll pay the bills,' said Harry's father.
+
+"So I went to a sale in New York, bought my drag and tandem-cart, and
+had them shipped to Pointview. Our local sign-painter put a crest or,
+rather, a kind of royal hatchment, on the panels of both. Then I sold
+them for next to nothing to a local livery on conditions. Its new
+owner agreed to use the drag for chowder-parties, and to break the
+worst-looking nags in his stable to drive tandem on the cart.
+
+"Tommy Ruggles, a smart-looking knight of the currycomb, whose first
+name was a kitchen word in Pointview, sprang to my assistance. He had
+curly hair, and a good deal of natural cuteness, and was, moreover, 'a
+divvle with the girls.' He contracted with me to take a selected list
+of female servants for an airing in the tandem-cart. He was to get a
+royalty of five dollars a head on every servant that was properly
+aired, with a small premium on red ones.
+
+"He began with Big Bertha, our worthy German countess. Tommy had a
+playful humor, and cracked his long whip over the rough-harnessed nags
+and merrily tooted his horn as the rig lumbered along through the main
+streets of our village. Many laughed and many wondered, while an army
+of noisy kids followed and hung on behind.
+
+"Tommy got his second girl, who was hit on the head with a ripe
+tomato, and then it was all over. The girls wouldn't stand for it. The
+sport had become too exciting. Tommy told me how he had invited
+Bridget Maloney, and she had said: 'Na-a-ah! Do yez take me for an
+idiot? Sure every rotten egg in the town would be jumpin' at me.'
+
+"It suggested an idea. As the imitation idiots had given out, we
+would try the real thing. So I 'phoned the manager of our thriving
+idiot asylum on the Post Road and arranged to have Tommy take one of
+his patients every day for a drive in the cart. Why shouldn't all the
+idiots enjoy themselves? Fresh air would be good for them. It would
+turn the cart into a charity which would cover a part of my sins. I
+asked for the better class of idiots--the quiet ones, who had sense
+enough to appreciate a good thing. The parade began and continued day
+after day.
+
+"Harry had retired his tandem after Tom, with a stiff-backed idiot by
+his side, had clattered after him through the village behind the two
+spavined nags to the amusement of many people. He had kept up with
+Harry.
+
+"Soon that kind of a rig was known as the Idiot Wagon. Then Tommy
+resigned; it was more than he could stand. He said he was willing to
+do any honest work for money, but not that. He said that the idiots
+imagined themselves rich, and put on so much style that it made the
+whole thing ridiculous.
+
+"'Never mind--it's the habit of idiots,' I said.
+
+"'One of 'em thinks he's Napoleon Bonaparte, an' calls me his man, and
+wears a plug hat and sits as straight as a ramrod, and bows to the
+people when they laugh at him,' said Tommy. 'Some of 'em get stuck on
+the cart, and it's a fight to get 'em out of it. I tell ye, I'm sick
+o' the job. The sight o' that cart makes me feel nutty.'
+
+"'Never mind, Tom,' I said; 'you've been a public benefactor, and you
+and the cart are entitled to an honorable discharge.'
+
+"Every bright day the drag was tooling over the road with picnic-parties
+on their way to one of the popular beaches. Our local lodges and
+political clubs, and now and then a load of Italians, were able to
+enjoy the luxury which had been the exclusive delight of Harry and the
+fluffy maidens of Pointview.
+
+"Drags an' tandems are all right if you don't go too far with 'em. We
+were just in time to prevent them from becoming tools of degeneration
+in our village."
+
+
+
+
+XI
+
+IN WHICH SUNDRY PEOPLE MAKE GREAT DISCOVERIES
+
+
+"There were many private panics in Pointview. It was my privilege to
+observe, under calm exteriors, a raging fever of excitement--characters
+going bankrupt, collectors wandering in a fruitless quest. One little
+rill that flowed into the swift river of national trouble issued from
+the bosom of my clerk, Mr. 'Cub' Sayles. It had been one of the most
+placid bosoms in Pointview. Now it was in the midst of what I have
+since referred to as the 'Violet and Supper Panic of 1907.'
+
+"Cub was a quiet, hard-working, serious-minded boy whose mother moved
+in the higher circles of Boston. He had a low, pleasant voice, a
+touch of Harry's dialect, and a sad face. He had asked for a higher
+salary, and I had asked for information.
+
+"'You see every time I go to call on my girl I have to take a bunch of
+violets or a two-pound box of candy,' he said. 'Then if we go to the
+theater her chaperon has to be with us--don't you know? She's a stout
+lady who complains of faintness before the play ends, and I have to
+ask them out to supper. Then I am always greatly alarmed, for you
+never can tell what will happen, sir, with two ladies at supper and
+only twenty dollars in your pocket, and both ladies fond of game and
+crab-meat. It's really very trying. I sit and tremble as I watch them,
+and go home with only a feeble remnant of my salary, and next day I
+have to pawn my diamond ring.'
+
+"'All that isn't honest,' I said. 'You're getting her favor under
+false pretenses. You're trying to make her believe that you are a
+sort of aristocrat with lots of money. Why don't you tell her the
+truth--that you can't afford violets, that the two-pound box is a
+burden that is breaking your back, and that every theater-supper sends
+you to the pawnbroker's?'
+
+"'I can't--she would throw me over,' he explained. 'The girls expect
+those things. They like to show and talk about them--don't you know?
+It's the fashion. Our best young men do it, sir.'
+
+"'Well, if you are willing to give up your honor for a lady's smile
+you won't do for me,' I said. 'You must not only tell the truth, but
+live it. You must be just what you are--a poor boy working for twenty
+dollars a week. If the girl doesn't like it she's unfit to associate
+with honest men. If you don't like it I don't like you.'
+
+"Perspiration had begun to dampen the brow of Cub.
+
+"'I--I hadn't seen it in that light, sir,' he said. 'But what am I to
+do, sir? I am heavily indebted to my tailor.'
+
+"'What! Haven't you paid for those lovely garments?'
+
+"'I had them charged, sir,' Cub sadly answered. 'My mother sent me a
+hundred dollars to pay for them, but I loaned it to Roger Daniels. I
+should be much obliged, sir, if you would collect it for me.'
+
+"I went to Roger and made him pay the debt. He paid it in a curious
+way--by going to his tailor and buying a hundred dollars' worth of
+clothes for Cub and having them charged. It was compounding a felony,
+but my client was satisfied and Roger was grateful. He began to have
+some regard for me. Not every lawyer had been able to make him pay.
+Within a day or so he came to consult me about a mortgage on his
+patrimony.
+
+"Roger had married and settled down immediately after his remarkable
+cruise. He had kept his party in ignorance of his financial troubles
+and returned with his reputation as an aristocrat firmly established.
+The gay young Bessie Runnymede had accepted him at once. He had become
+junior partner in a firm of brokers and had rented a handsome
+residence in Pointview.
+
+"So they began their little play with ladies, lords, and gentlemen in
+the cast, and with a country-house, a tandem, a crested limousine, and
+a racing launch for scenery. But Roger had what is known as a bad
+season. Well, you know, the moving-picture shows had got such a hold
+on the public.
+
+"At first we concluded that he must have made another lucky play in
+the market. Then, after six months or so, bills against Roger began to
+arrive for collection from sundry department stores in the city. He
+was a good fellow and had plausible excuses, and I declined to press
+payment and returned the bills.
+
+"One day, some eight months after the wedding, an urgent telegram
+from Roger brought me to New York. I found the young man in his
+office, with his wife at his side. They were both in tears. I sat down
+with them, and he told me this story:
+
+"'The fact is, I'm a thief,' he began. 'I have confessed the truth to
+my partners. Since my marriage I have taken about twenty thousand
+dollars--needed every cent of it to keep going. The fact is, I
+expected to make a killing in the market and return the money--had
+inside information--but everything went wrong. Yesterday I was cleaned
+out.
+
+"'I went home late in the evening. I hoped that my wife would be in
+bed, but she was waiting for me. She said that I looked sick, and
+wanted to know what was the matter. I told her that I had a headache,
+and got into bed as soon as possible; but I couldn't sleep. Long after
+midnight my wife rose and turned on the light and came to my bed and
+said that she knew I was troubled about something--that she had seen
+it in my face for weeks. She begged that I would let her help me bear
+it. Then I told her the truth, and discovered--for I didn't know her
+before--one of the noblest women in the world. She hid her face in the
+pillow, and then I had a bad moment.
+
+"'"Why did you do it?" she asked as soon as she could speak.
+
+"'And I said: "We've been foolish--trying to keep up with Harry and
+the rest of them. It was my fault. I ought to have told you that I
+couldn't go the pace."
+
+"'She saw the truth in a flash, and the old-fashioned woman in her got
+to work.
+
+"'"Roger, get up and dress yourself," said she. "We will go and see
+your partners to-night. We will go together, for I am as guilty as
+you. We will tell them the truth and beg for time. Maybe we can get
+the money."
+
+"'We started in our motor-car about one o'clock for the city, on dark
+and muddy roads. Some ten miles out we broke an axle and left car and
+driver and went on afoot. My wife wouldn't wait. No trains were
+running. But we could get a trolley five miles down the road. So we
+went on in the dark and silence. I put my arm around her, and not a
+word passed between us for an hour or so. I don't know what she was
+thinking of, but I was trying to count my follies. It began to rain,
+and I felt sorry for Bess, and took off my coat and threw it over
+her.'
+
+"'"I don't mind the rain," she said. "It will cool me."
+
+"'We were a sight when we got to the trolley, and just before daylight
+we rang the bell of the senior partner. Our weariness and muddy shoes
+and rain-soaked garments were a help to us. They touched his heart,
+sir. Anyhow, he gave me a week of grace in which to make good. I must
+get the money somehow, and I want your advice about it.'
+
+"'I'm glad of one part of it all,' I said--'that you have discovered
+each other and learned that you are human beings of a pretty good
+sort. I've much more respect for both of you than I ever had before.'
+
+"He looked at me in surprise.
+
+"'Oh, you are a better man than you were three months ago!' I answered
+him. 'You happen to have run against the law, and it's shocked and
+frightened you. But you are improving. Long ago you began to incur
+debts which you couldn't pay, and you must have known that you
+couldn't pay them. In that manner you became possessed of a large sum
+of money belonging to other people. It was used not for necessities,
+but to maintain a foolish display. That is the most heartless kind of
+fraud. I've much more respect for you now that you see your fault and
+confess it. I'm convinced now that you have a conscience, and that
+you will be likely to make some use of it in the future. I'm
+particularly grateful to your wife. She has shown me that she is just
+a woman, and not an angel. I don't believe that it was at all
+necessary for you to have groveled in aristocratic crimes in order to
+win her heart. The yacht cruise and the tandem and the violets and the
+Fifth Avenue clothes and the ton of candy were quite superfluous. You
+needed only to tell her the truth, like a man, and say that you loved
+her.'
+
+"'It is true, Roger,' said the girl as she broke down again.
+
+"'I did it all to please you, dear,' the boy answered, in his effort
+to comfort her.
+
+"'And it did please me,' she said, brokenly, 'but I know that I should
+have been better pleased if--'
+
+"She hesitated, and I expressed her thought for her:
+
+"'If he had centralized on manhood. There is something sweeter than
+violets and grander than fine raiment in a sort of character that a
+boy should offer to the girl he loves.'
+
+"They were both convinced. It was easy to see that now, and I promised
+to do what I could for them.
+
+"I got a schedule of the young man's debts and found that he owed,
+among other debts, six thousand dollars to sundry shops and department
+stores in New York--the purchases of his wife in the eight months of
+their wedded life. I asked her how it could have happened.
+
+"'He opened accounts for me and said I could buy what I wanted, and
+you know it is so easy to say "Charge it,'" was her answer. 'Every one
+has accounts these days, and they tempt you to buy more than you
+need.'
+
+"'It is true. Credit is the latest ally of the devil. It is the great
+tempter. It is responsible for half the extravagance of modern life.
+The two words 'charge it' have done more harm than any others in the
+language. They have led to a vast amount of unnecessary buying. They
+have developed a talent for extravagance in our people. They have
+created a large and growing sisterhood and brotherhood of dead-beats.
+They have led to bankruptcy and slow pay and bad debts. They have
+raised the cost of everything we require because the tradesman compels
+us to pay his uncollected accounts. They are added to your bills and
+mine, and the merchant prince suffers no impairment of his fortune.
+
+"Bessie's bank-account was also overdrawn. That reminds me of a new
+sinner--the bank-check. It is so easy to draw a check--and, then,
+somehow, it's only a piece of paper. You let it go without a pang
+while you would be very thoughtful if you were counting out the money
+and parting with it.
+
+"The check is another way of saying 'Charge it.'
+
+"That evening I went to see Harry."
+
+
+
+
+XII
+
+IN WHICH HARRY IS FORCED TO ABANDON SWAMP FICTION AND LIKE FOLLIES AND
+TO STUDY THE GEOGRAPHY AND NATIVES OF A LAND UNKNOWN TO OUR
+HEIRISTOCRACY
+
+
+"I found Harry smoking with Cub Sayles in his den above stairs in the
+big country-house of Henry Delance. As I entered Harry said to his
+young friend:
+
+"'I have to talk over some things with Mr. Potter--would you mind
+going down to the library?'
+
+"Cub withdrew, and Harry sat down with me.
+
+"'I suppose you've seen him?' he asked, nervously.
+
+"'Whom?'
+
+"'Why, you know a mysterious stranger has been looking for me and--by
+Jove!--I'm scared stiff. He's an Englishman.'
+
+"'What of that?'
+
+"'Let me show you,' said Harry.
+
+"He took a key from his pocket, unlocked a door, and fetched the
+familiar skull of the Bishop of St. Clare and put it on the table
+before me.
+
+"'It's that damn Bishop's head,' he whispered. 'It has come
+back--would you believe it?--picked up by a fisherman on the Irish
+coast and returned to the express office in London. All the old
+directions were quite legible on the box. "To Harry Delance, SS.
+_Lusitania_. If not found, forward to Pointview, Conn., U.S.A.,
+charges collect!" So it came on. I received a notice and went down and
+got it out of bond and paid three pounds, and here it is.'
+
+"'It looks as if the Bishop was out for revenge,' I said, with a
+laugh.
+
+"'He's got on my nerves and my conscience,' said Harry. 'By Jove! he
+haunts me. When I heard of this mysterious Englishman to-day I got a
+chill.'
+
+"'You go buy yourself a small shovel and a pocket light to-morrow,' I
+suggested, and at night go back in the hills with the Bishop's head
+and bury it.'
+
+"'And if I get into trouble I want you to take care of me.'
+
+"I made no answer. It didn't seem necessary, but I said: 'There's
+another matter of which I have come to talk with you. Our friend Roger
+is in trouble.'
+
+"I told him the story of Roger's downfall. It got under his vest, and
+I added: 'Now, Harry, it's up to you to indulge in some more
+philanthropy. You ought to help him.'
+
+"'What--what can I do?' he asked in amazement.
+
+"'Lend him the money--twenty thousand dollars. It isn't all that the
+public will charge against you on Roger's account, but it will do.'
+
+"'Harry sank in his chair and threw up his hands as if grasping for a
+straw.
+
+"'It's my whole allowance for the year,' he said, 'and I couldn't
+appeal to the Governor.'
+
+"'Nevertheless you ought to do it, for Roger told me that it was your
+pace that brought him where he is.'
+
+"'What an ass!' Harry exclaimed, and the old Bishop seemed to indorse
+his view. 'By the blue beard of the Caliph, what am I to do?'
+
+"'Pay it,' I insisted.
+
+"'Pay it and die,' he groaned. 'I shall have to do it somehow, but
+this kind of thing is grinding me.'
+
+"'You can go to my ranch in Wyoming and live on nothing for six
+months,' I said. 'When you get back I'll lend you enough to tide you
+over!
+
+"'I'll do it,' he said, as if it were the very straw he had been
+reaching for.
+
+"Then he began to tell me of other troubles. Marie had been decidedly
+cool to Harry at the servants' ball. Then he had met her on the
+street, and she had barely noticed him and hurried away, with the
+young Reverend Robert Knowles at her side. Harry was, fortunately,
+going slow, but he had received internal injuries and was suffering
+from shock.
+
+"'The old man is at the bottom of it,' I explained. 'You gave him a
+dose from the wrong bottle. It p'isoned him.'
+
+"'By Jove! What a prude he is!' said Harry. 'Upon my word that is one
+of the noblest books I ever read--contains a great lesson, don't you
+know? It takes you straight to the heights.'
+
+"'Too straight,' I said. 'It turns out for nothing. It crosses a
+morass to avoid going around. When you reach the high ground you are
+covered with mud and slime. You need to be washed and disinfected, and
+perhaps you've caught a fever that will last as long as you live.
+Many a boy and girl have got mired in this swamp fiction that you
+enjoy so much. There are many of us who prefer to go around the swamp
+and keep on a decent footing even if it takes longer.'
+
+"'We want to know all sides of life,' said Harry.
+
+"'And would you care to see the girl you loved studying life in a
+brothel?'
+
+"'Well, really, you know, that's different,' Harry stammered.
+
+"'But the fact is, her feet might as well be in a brothel as her
+brain,' I insisted. 'She might shake the dust from her _feet_. Harry,
+there's one side of life that you ought to study at once--the American
+side. You've neglected the Western hemisphere in your studies. When
+can you start for the ranch?'
+
+"'Day after to-morrow--if you like. This place is a dreadful bore.'
+
+"'Good! I'll attend to the tickets to-day, The cart, drag, and horses
+will be all the better for a vacation, and the eyes of the people are
+in need of rest.'
+
+"'The whole outfit is going to be sold," said Harry. 'Idiots and the
+hoi polloi have quite ruined the sport here. The Governor is always
+poking fun at it, you know, and it has made me so weary! One can't
+stand that kind of thing forever--can he? I got after his helmet,
+battle-ax, and family tree, by Jove! Our crested chambermaids and
+bootblacks have been a great help to me. What a noble band of
+philanthropists! Father and I have made an agreement. He is going to
+chuck the battle-ax and saw the royal branches off our family tree and
+I am going to sell the drag, cart, and horses.'
+
+"'That's a great treaty,' I said. 'The settlement of the Alaskan
+frontier is not more important than fixing the boundaries of our
+social life. Let us surrender the tools of idiocy; especially, let us
+abandon all claim to the helmet and battle-ax. They're all right in
+their place, but they aren't ours. The plowshare and the pruning-hook
+are our symbols.'
+
+"'By Jove! you know, the old Bishop of St. Clare agrees with you
+exactly,' said Harry. 'I've been reading his life and writings, which
+I picked up in London, and he's about converted me to your way of
+thinking. He hated "the glittering idleness" of the rich and put
+industry above elegance.'
+
+"'And he doesn't intend that your education shall be neglected--he's
+looking after you.'
+
+"'He's as industrious as Destiny,' said the young man. 'Did you know
+that Cub Sayles is engaged?'
+
+"'To whom?'
+
+"'Mrs. Revere-Chalmers.'
+
+"'God rest his soul!' I exclaimed.
+
+"'It's just the thing for Cub,' said Harry. 'He's poor but presentable,
+and has many extravagant tastes. She's quite a bit older than he, of
+course, but that isn't unusual.'
+
+"'I warned him long ago, knowing that his folly would undo him. Now he
+will be a captain of New Thought, King of the Flub Dubs, advertising
+manager of the Psychological Hair Factory, and inspector of pimples.'
+
+"'But don't you know that he will have everything that he desires?'
+
+"'Except happiness.'
+
+"'Oh, I think that she is very fond of him!' said Harry. 'She told me
+to-day that he is the only man she ever loved, and the dear old girl
+thinks that she won him by concentration.'
+
+"With this remark, made on the 20th of May, Harry dropped out of the
+history of Pointview until December."
+
+
+
+
+XIII
+
+IN WHICH THE MINISTER GETS INTO LOVE AND TROUBLE
+
+
+"Cub resigned his place in my office next day, and confessed his
+purpose, and I heard him with sober respect and tried in every proper
+way to save him. It wouldn't work.
+
+"The lines of panic had left the face of Cub. The two-pound expression
+had departed from it. The faintness of chaperons would no longer
+imperil his comfort.
+
+"'A hundred and four pounds of candy and twenty suppers, and all for
+nothing!' I exclaimed. 'You ruin a girl's digestion and chuck her
+over. It isn't fair.'
+
+"'But, sir, I found that I didn't love her,' said Cub.
+
+"'What a waste of violets, confectionery, and crab-meat!'
+
+"'Yes, sir, in a way; but you see I had to have my training in
+society,' Cub declared.
+
+"What was the use? Cub had no more humor than a sewing-machine.
+
+"'The wedding day drew on apace, and just before its arrival a
+notorious weekly in New York gave the lady a drubbing. Certain
+circumstances that made her first marriage unhappy were plainly hinted
+at. The town shuddered with amazement. Cub stood pat, but the
+Episcopal minister refused to marry them. The Baptist minister balked.
+It looked like a postponement, but the knot was tied, on schedule
+time, by the Reverend Robert Knowles. That made no end of talk, and a
+small party of insurgents left his church. Deacon Benson was on the
+point of pulling out, and swore so much about it that I advised him to
+hang on for his own sake.
+
+"'But there ain't much to hang on to,' said the Deacon.
+
+"'Mrs. Revere-Chalmers-Sayles held a mortgage on the property of the
+Baptist Society of Pointview, and asked me to foreclose it.
+
+"'I have another mortgage on the Congregational church, and they're
+behind in their interest, but I'm not going to push them,' she said to
+me.
+
+"So young Mr. Knowles had acted from motives of business prudence, and
+was not much at fault. The old church had ceased to live within its
+means and had entered the 'charge it' van, and was trying to serve two
+masters.
+
+"Betsey and I paid both mortgages and threw them in the fire.
+
+"Young Mr. Knowles came to see us with Marie, and brought the thanks
+of the parish. They were a good-looking couple.
+
+"This minister of the First Congregational Church of Pointview now
+aspired to be the prime minister of its first heiress. Their
+acquaintance, which had begun in the arrangements for the servants'
+ball, had grown in warmth and intimacy as soon as Harry had gone.
+Robert began to take after Marie, with muffler open and all the gas
+on. He was a swell of a parson--utterly damned with good-fortune. Had
+an income from the estate of his father, a call from on high, a crest
+from Charlemagne, diplomas from college and the seminary, a fine
+figure, red cheeks, and 'heavenly eyes.' As to his fatal gift of
+beauty, the young ladies were of one mind. They agreed, also, about
+the cut of his garments, that were changed several times a day.
+
+"A dashing, masculine, head-punching spirit might have saved him with
+all his ballast, but he didn't have it. The Reverend Robert was a good
+fellow to everybody--a fairly sound-hearted, decent, handsome fellow,
+but not a man. To be that, one has to know things at first
+hand--especially work and trouble. He was a second-hand, school-made
+thinker. His doctrines came out of the books, but his conduct was
+mildly modern. He danced and smoked a little, and played bridge and
+golf, and made his visits in a handsome motor-car.
+
+"Marie liked the young man, and she and her mother rode and tramped
+about with him almost every day of that summer. Deacon Joe showed
+signs of faintness when he spoke of him.
+
+"One day I went up to the Benson homestead and found the old man
+sitting on his piazza alone.
+
+"'Where's Marie?' I asked.
+
+"'Off knocking around with the minister,' said Deacon Joe, in a voice
+frail with contempt.
+
+"'She might be in worse company,' I suggested.
+
+"'Maybe,' he snapped.
+
+"'What's the matter with the minister?'
+
+"'Nothing,' said the old man, with a chuckle. 'He's a complete
+gentleman, complete! So plaguy beautiful that he's a kind of a girl's
+plaything. He couldn't milk a cow or dig a hill o' potatoes. Acts kind
+o' faint an' sickly to me.'
+
+"The Deacon thoughtfully stirred the roots of his beard with the
+fingers of his right hand, and went on with a squint and a feeble tone
+which he seemed to think best suited to his subject.
+
+"'Talks so low you can hardly hear him. I have to set with my hand to
+my ear every Sunday to make out what he's sayin', an' he prays as if
+he had the lung fever. Talks o' hell as though it was a quart o' cold
+molasses. That's one reason we ain't no respect for it in this
+community. Ay--'es! That's the reason.'
+
+"He squinted his face thoughtfully and resumed with more energy.
+
+"'I like to hear a man get up on his hind legs and holler as they used
+to--by gravy! Ye can't scare anybody by whispers. Damn it, sir, what
+we need is an old-fashioned revival.'
+
+"The Deacon halted to take a chew of tobacco, and went on, with a
+sorrowful calmness:
+
+"'Now this young feller don't want to give no credit to God--not a
+bit--no, sir! Science has done everything. I've noticed it time an'
+ag'in. T'other Sunday he said that an angel spoke to Moses, an' the
+Bible says, as plain as A B C, that God spoke to him. How can he
+expect that God is going to bless his ministry, an' he never givin'
+Him any credit?'
+
+"'It's rather bad politics, anyhow,' I said.
+
+"'An' the church is goin' from bad to worse,' he complained. 'The
+average attendance is about forty-seven, an' it used to be between
+five an' six hundred, an' we are all taxed to death to keep it goin'.
+I have to pay three hundred a year for the privilege o' gittin' mad
+every Sunday. Two or three of us have got after him an' made him
+promise to do better. Some awful free-minded folks have crept into the
+church, an' the fact is, we need their money,' Deacon Joe went on.
+'What the minister ought to do is stick to the old doctrines that are
+safe an' sound. 'St'id o' that he's tryin' to sail 'twixt rock an'
+reef.'
+
+"'Between Scylla and Charybdis,' I suggested.
+
+"'Between Silly an' what?' the old man asked, as if in doubt of my
+meaning.
+
+"We were interrupted by the arrival of the Reverend Robert with Marie
+and her mother, in his handsome landaulet. Marie asked me to go with
+her to gather wild flowers in a bit of woodland not far away. I went,
+and soon saw her purpose. She had had the 'jolliest, cutest letter
+from Harry' that she had ever read, and seemed to be in doubt as to
+whether she ought to let him write to her.
+
+"'Has your grandfather forbidden it?' I asked.
+
+"'No.'
+
+"'Then it's up to you,' I said.
+
+"'Do you think he cares for me?'
+
+"'I should think him a fool if he didn't,' I said, looking down into
+her lovely dark eyes.
+
+"'But do you really and truly think that he cares for me?' she
+insisted.
+
+"'I suspect that he does.'
+
+"'Why?'
+
+"'A lawyer must not betray a confidence.'
+
+"'Do you like him?'
+
+"'Wait until his uneducation is completed, and I'll tell you. I am
+beginning to have hope for Harry.'
+
+"'I'm sorry grandpapa is so hateful!' she exclaimed, with a sigh.
+
+"I stood up for the old man and asked:
+
+"'Do you like the Reverend Robert?'
+
+"'Very much! He's so good-looking, and has such beautiful thoughts!
+Have you heard him preach?'
+
+"'No.'
+
+"'We think his sermons are fine. Everybody likes them but grandpapa.
+He wants noise, you know--lung power and old theology. I hate it!'
+
+"'He doesn't take to Robert?'
+
+"'No; he calls him a calf. Nobody is good enough for me, you know.
+He'd like me to marry some man with a hoe, who would take me to church
+and Sunday school every sabbath morning, and for a walk to the
+cemetery in the afternoon, and down to the prayer-meeting every
+Wednesday night, and on a journey from Genesis to Revelations once a
+year. It's too much to expect of a human being. Then the hoes are in
+the hands of Poles, Slavs, and Italians. So what am I to do?'
+
+"'Well, you are young--you can afford to wait a while,' I said.
+
+"'But not until I am old and all withered up. I am going to marry the
+man I love within a year or so, if he has the good sense to ask me.
+Don't you ever go to church?'
+
+"'No,' I said.
+
+"'Why not?'
+
+"I tried to think. There were the ministers--two boys and three old
+men--dried beef and veal! Not to my knowledge had a single one of them
+ever expressed an idea. They were seen, but not felt. The Church! Why,
+certainly, it was founded on the sweetness, strength, and sanity of a
+great soul. I had almost forgotten that. It had grown feeble. It had
+got its fortunes entangled in psychological hair. It should have been
+correcting the follies of the people--their selfishness, their sinful
+pride, their extravagance, their loss of honor and humanity. Had I not
+seen, in the case of Harry and his followers, how the Church had
+failed in its work? Ought it not to have sought and saved them long
+ago--saved them from needless disaster? It should have been appealing
+to their consciences. If appeals had failed it should have stung them
+with ridicule or raised a voice like that of Christ against the
+Pharisees. The Church! Why, it was living, not in the present, but in
+the past. Here in Pointview the Church itself had become one of the
+greatest follies of the time.
+
+"'I want you to go next Sunday and hear Mr. Knowles, as a favor to
+me--won't you?' Marie asked.
+
+"'Yes,' I said. 'In the next five Sundays I shall go to every
+Protestant church in Pointview. I want to know what they're doing. I
+shall put aside my scruples and go.'"
+
+
+
+
+XIV
+
+IN WHICH SOCRATES DISCOVERS A NEW FOLLY
+
+
+"Well, I went and saw the Reverend Robert Knowles sail between 'Silly
+and Charybdis.' He bumped on both sides, but did it rather gracefully.
+He reviewed the career of Samuel, who lived and died some thousands of
+years ago. The miraculous touch of Carlyle or Macaulay might easily
+have failed in the task of reviving a man so thoroughly dead. But the
+Reverend Robert entered this unequal contest with no evidence of
+alarm. The dead man prevailed. The power of his long sleep fell upon
+us. My head grew heavy. I felt my weight bearing down upon the
+cushions. A stiffness came into my bones.
+
+"On our way to church Betsey had placed the young minister in my
+thoughts. The trustees had reckoned that he would revive the interest
+of the young people in Sunday worship; and he did, but it was the
+worship of youth and beauty.
+
+"Well, the other churches were emptier than ever, and so the spiritual
+life of the community was in no way improved. In fact, I guess it had
+been a little embittered by the new conditions. As soon as it became
+known that Marie had won the prize of his favor the other girls had
+returned to their native altars, having discovered that the new
+minister was vain, worldly, and conceited.
+
+"Lettie Davis, who had made a dead set at him, had been strongly
+convinced of that as soon as he began to show a preference for Marie,
+and the Davis family had left the church and gone over to the
+Methodists. The young man had been filled with alarm. He feared it
+would wreck the church. That old ship of the faith was leaky and
+iron-sick, and down by the head and heel, as they say at sea. She
+rolled if one got off or on her.
+
+"Such was the condition of things when we entered the church of my
+fathers. We sat down in the Potter pew a few minutes before the
+service began. There were, by actual count, forty-nine people gathered
+around the altar of the old church, and behind us a great emptiness
+and the ghosts of the dead. In my boyhood I had sat in its dim light,
+with six hundred people filling every seat to the doors and a man of
+power and learning in the pulpit.
+
+"Faces long forgotten were there in those pews--old faces, young
+faces. How many thousands had left its altar to find distant homes or
+to go on their last journey to that nearer one in the churchyard! My
+heart was full and ready for strong meat, but none came to me. The
+moment of silence had been something rare--like an old Grecian vase
+wonderfully wrought. Then, suddenly, the singing fell upon us and
+broke the silence into ruins. It was in the nature of a breach of the
+peace. There are two kinds of people who ought to be gently but firmly
+restrained: the person that talks too much and the person that sings
+too much.
+
+"This young minister undoubtedly meant well. He's about the kind of a
+chap that I've seen in law-offices working for fifteen dollars a
+week--industrious, zealous, and able up to a point, and all right
+under supervision. He can be trusted to handle a small case with
+intelligence and judgment. But I wouldn't go to him for instruction in
+philosophy; and if I wished to relay the foundation of my life I
+should, naturally, consult some other person. As one might expect, he
+had searched the cellars of theology for canned goods, and with
+extraordinary success.
+
+"The young man had so lately arrived in this world he couldn't be
+expected to know much about its affairs, and especially about those
+of Samuel. It was graceful and decorous elocution. The Deacon
+expressed his opinion of it in snores, and I longed to follow suit.
+
+"The sermon ended with a dramatic recitation, and on our way out the
+minister met us at the door.
+
+"'You must manage to keep these people awake,' I suggested to him.
+
+"'How am I to do it?' he asked.
+
+"'Well, you might have a corps of pin-stickers carefully distributed
+in the pews, or you could put the pins in your sermon. I recommend the
+latter.'
+
+"We went away with a sense of injury.
+
+"'Let's keep trying,' said Betsey, 'until you find some one you would
+care to hear. I would feel at home in any of our churches. These days
+there's no essential difference between Congregationalists, Baptists,
+Methodists, Presbyterians, and Episcopalians. I've talked with all of
+them, and their differences are dead and gone. They stand in the
+printed creeds, but are no longer in the hearts of the people.'
+
+"'Then why all these empty churches?' I asked. 'Why don't the people
+get together in one great church?'
+
+"'Don't talk about the millennium,' said Betsey. 'We must try to make
+the best of what we have.'
+
+"Well, in the next four Sundays we went from church to church to get
+strength for our souls, and found only weakness and disappointment.
+Immune from ridicule and satire, the sacred inefficiency of our pulpit
+had waxed and grown and taken possession of the churches. And one
+thought came to me as I listened. There should be a number of exits to
+every Christian church, plainly marked: 'To be used in case of fire.'
+Ancient history, dead philosophy, sophomoric periods, bad music, empty
+pews, weary groups of the faithful longing for home, were, in brief,
+the things that we saw and heard. It was pathetic.
+
+"I began to think about it. Here were five church organizations, all
+weak, infirm, begging, struggling for life. The automobile and the
+golf and yacht clubs had nearly finished the work of destruction which
+incompetence had so ably begun. There was not much left of them; yet
+their combined property was worth about one hundred thousand dollars.
+They spent in the aggregate fifty-six hundred dollars for ministers'
+salaries, and their total average attendance was only four hundred and
+forty-nine. I could see no more extravagant waste of time, work, and
+capital in any other branch of human effort. Some would call it
+wicked, but, though we speak with the tongues of men and of angels,
+and have not charity, we had better have kept still.
+
+"The Reverend Mr. Knowles came to me within a day or two and
+apologized for his sermon. He complained that he couldn't be
+himself--that he didn't dare speak his thoughts.
+
+"'Whose thoughts do you speak?' I asked.
+
+"'Well, I trail along in the wake of the fathers.'
+
+"'Then you are feeding your flock on corned and kippered thoughts--on
+the dried and dug-up convictions of the dead. It isn't fair. It isn't
+even honest. The church here is dying of anemia for want of fresh
+food. The new world must have new thought to fit new conditions. Its
+outlook has been utterly changed. If a man who had never seen a
+locomotive or a motor-car or a tandem or a telephone or an electric
+light or the sons and daughters of a new millionaire or the home and
+crest of the same or a bill of a modern merchant were to come down out
+of the backwoods and try to tell us how to run the world, we should
+think him an ass, and wisely. Consider how these things have changed
+the spirit of man and surrounded it with new perils.'
+
+"'But think of the old fellows--the mossbacks--who hate your new
+philosophy,' said the minister.
+
+"'And think of the young fellows who are so easily tossed about. The
+moss of senility is covering the bloom of youth and the honor of
+youth.'"
+
+
+
+
+XV
+
+IN WHICH HARRY RETURNS TO POINTVIEW AND GOES TO WORK
+
+
+"Betsey and I were giving a dinner-party at our house. Mr. and Mrs.
+Henry Delance and the Warburtons and Dan and Lizzie had come over to
+discuss a plan for the correction of the greatest folly and
+extravagance in the village--namely, the waste of its spiritual
+energy.
+
+"At first we had to discuss a fact related to another folly, for the
+Delances told how Harry's pet collie had come up to the back door that
+day with a human skull in his mouth. Of course I knew that Harry's
+Bishop had returned, but held my peace about it. To them it had
+suggested murder, and they had consulted the chief of police.
+
+[Illustration: "HARRY'S PET COLLIE HAD COME UP TO THE BACK DOOR WITH A
+HUMAN SKULL IN HIS MOUTH"]
+
+"'How do you know that it is not one of your ancestors dug up in a
+back pasture,' I said.
+
+"'It might be William the Conqueror,' Lizzie remarked.
+
+"'I deny it,' said Delance, in perfect good nature. 'We have resigned
+from William's family. As a matter of fact, I never joined it.'
+
+"I congratulated him.
+
+"'It has always seemed like the merest poppycock to me--this
+genealogical craze of the ladies,' said Henry. 'When our London
+solicitor wrote that it would take another hundred pounds to establish
+the connection beyond a doubt, he gave away the whole scheme, and I
+resigned. It was too silly. In these days of titled chambermaids I
+think we shall worry along pretty well without William.'
+
+"Then Betsey said: 'I was reading in the county history to-day that
+old Zebulon Delance, who was killed in a fight with Indians in 1750,
+was buried in a meadow back of his house.'
+
+"'It may be the skull of old Zeb,' said Henry.
+
+"'Now there's an ancestor worth having,' I suggested.
+
+"'I wonder if it can belong to old Zeb,' Henry mused.
+
+"At last we got to my plan. I pictured the condition of the community
+as I saw it, and the inefficiency of the church and the need of a new
+and active power in Pointview.
+
+"I proposed that we buy the old skating-rink and remodel it, employ
+the best talent in America, and start a new center of power in the
+community--a power that should, first of all, keep us sane, and then
+as decent as possible. The mathematics of the enterprise were at my
+fingers' ends:
+
+                "Initial Expenses              $15,000
+                "Annual Outlay for Instruction   8,000
+                "For Music                       3,500
+                "For Maintenance                 1,000
+                "For Management                  3,500
+
+"It was no small matter, but the initial expense and the first year's
+outlay were subscribed in ten minutes. Betsey set the ball rolling
+with an offer of ten thousand dollars, and then it was like shaking
+ripe apples off a tree.
+
+"'Who is to be the manager?' Delance wanted to know. 'It's a big
+job.'
+
+"'I propose that we try Harry,' I said; 'in my opinion it will
+interest him. I've had him in training for a year or so, and he's
+about ready for big work.'
+
+"'I don't believe Harry can do it,' his father declared.
+
+"'I should think it might not be to his taste,' said Bill Warburton.
+
+"'But I have later and better information than the rest of you,' I
+said. 'If you will leave the matter in my hands you may hold me
+responsible for the results.'
+
+"They gave me the white card. I could do as I liked. The fact is, I
+had just had a letter from Harry which filled me with new hope. I have
+it here."
+
+The Honorable Socrates Potter took the letter from his pocket and
+said:
+
+"You see, Harry has been discovering America. He is the Columbus of
+our heiristocracy. His mental map has been filled with great cities
+and splendid hotels, and thrifty towns and enormous areas of wheat and
+corn, and astonishing distances and sublime mountain scenes. Moreover,
+he has learned the joys of a simple life; he had to. Of course, he
+knew of these things, but feebly and without pride, as one knows the
+Tetons who has never seen them. Leaving in May, he stopped in all the
+big cities, and finished his journey from the railroad with a
+stage-ride of some ninety miles. Of the stage-ride and other matters,
+he writes thus:
+
+"'On the front seat with the driver sat a lady smoking a cigar, who,
+now and then, offered us a drink from a bottle. At her side was a lady
+with a wooden leg, and a hen in her hand. You know every woman is a
+lady out here. The driver swore at the horses, the hen swore at the
+lady, and several of the passengers swore at each other, and it was
+all done in the most amiable spirit. Two rough-necks sat beside me who
+kept shooting with revolvers at sage-hens as they--the men, not the
+hens--irrigated the tires with tobacco-juice. At the next stop I got
+into a row with a one-eyed professor of elocution, because he said I
+carried too much for the size of my mule, an' didn't speak proper. He
+objected to my pronunciation, and I to his choice of words. In the
+argument his revolver took sides with him. I got one of my toes lopped
+with a bullet, and the lady who carried the cigar and the bottle took
+me to her home and nursed me like a mother, and the lady with the
+wooden leg brought me strawberries every day and sang to me and told
+me some good stories. I had thought it was a God-forsaken country,
+but, you see, I was wrong. There's more real practical Christianity
+among these people than I ever saw before, and it's hard work to be an
+ass here. The way of the ass is full of trouble, and I begin to
+understand why you wanted me to come out to Wyoming. The people are
+rough, but as kind as angels. Felt like turning back, but these women
+put new heart in me, especially the wooden-legged one.
+
+"'"We don't like parlor talk out here," she said; "it ain't considered
+good ettikit. Folks don't mind a little, but if it goes too fur it's
+considered insultin' an' everybody begins to speak to ye like he was
+talkin' to a balky mule."
+
+"'I went on as soon as I was able, and spent the whole summer on the
+back of a cayuse. Got lost in the mountains; went hungry and cold like
+the wolf, as Garland puts it, for three days; had to think my way back
+to camp. It was the best schooling in geography and logic and American
+humanity that I ever had. Every man at the ranch, and the women, had
+been out hunting for me. I offered them money, but they woudn't take a
+cent--the joy of seeing me was enough. They haven't a smitch of the
+revolting money-hunger of the average European. With all its faults I
+am proud of my country. I want you to find a good, big American job
+for me.
+
+"'I have been reading the Bishop of St. Clare, who says: "There hath
+been more energy expended in swaggering about with full bellies and a
+burden of needless fat than would move the island to the main shore.
+If thy purse be used to buy immunity from work, it secureth immunity
+from manhood; and what is a man without manhood?"
+
+"'There is the American idea for you.
+
+"'Deacon Joe has got to change his mind about me. Marie has only
+written me one letter, and that was a frost. If you have any influence
+with the girl, don't let her get engaged to that parson.'
+
+Socrates laughed as he put the letter away, and went on:
+
+"Well, Harry came back, browned and brawny, with his cayuse, saddle,
+and sombrero, and a shooting-iron half as long as my arm.
+
+"He came here for a talk with me the day after his arrival. The
+subject of a lifework was pressing on him.
+
+"'Have you seen Zeb?' was his first query.
+
+"'Zeb?' I asked. 'Who is Zeb?'
+
+"'That dear old, irrepressible bishop,' said Harry. 'They have dug him
+up and named him Zeb, and put him on a top shelf in the library. They
+think he is one of our great-grandfathers.'
+
+"'Oh, he has been promoted,' I remarked.
+
+"Harry went on:
+
+"'My dog is responsible for the reappearance of the bishop. I took him
+with me that night, and he knew where to find it. Father is sure that
+it's the head of old Zeb Delance.'
+
+"'Let the Bishop rest where he is,' I suggested. 'Now that he has
+converted you, he will probably let up. At least, let us hope that he
+will not worry you. Of course he will remind you of past follies every
+time you look at him, but that will do you no harm.'
+
+"'Oh, I couldn't forget him! Father has been reading up on Zeb, and he
+does nothing but talk about him. He has learned that the Indians
+buried the head and burned the body of a victim.'
+
+"'He symbolizes the change in your taste. Zeb was a man of action--a
+worker. What do you propose to do now?'
+
+"'Well, I have thought some of following Dan into agriculture.'
+
+"'Don't,' was my answer. 'You're not the type for that kind of a job.
+Dan was brought up to work with his hands. I fear that you would be a
+Fifth Avenue farmer.'
+
+"'Well, what would you say to a plant for the manufacture of
+aeroplanes? I stopped at Dayton and looked into the matter, and
+learned to fly. I have ordered a biplane, and it will be delivered in
+the spring.'
+
+"I vetoed that plan, and asked where he proposed to settle.
+
+"'Right here--if possible,' said Harry.
+
+"'Good! There's one thing about your family tree that I like, and you
+ought to be proud of it. Your forebears, having been treated with
+shameless oppression, came to these inhospitable shores in 1630. They
+needn't have done it if they had been willing to knuckle down and say
+they liked crow when they didn't. They wouldn't do that, so they left
+the old sod and ventured forth in a little sailing-vessel on the
+mighty deep. It required some courage to do that. They landed safely,
+and for nearly three hundred years their descendants have lived and
+worked and suffered all manner of hardships in New England. It's a
+proper thing, Harry, that you should do your work where, mostly, they
+did their work--in dear old Connecticut.'
+
+"'And besides, it's the home of Marie,' he said.
+
+"'And let us consider what there is to be done in the home of Marie,'
+I went on. 'Here in the very town where so many of your fathers have
+lived and worked we find a singular parade of folly. The idle rich
+from a near city are closing in upon us. Many of the Yankees have
+acquired property and ceased to work. Back in the distant hills they
+toil not, but live from hand to mouth in a pitiful state of
+degeneration. The work of the hand is almost entirely that of
+Italians, Poles, Hungarians, and Greeks.
+
+"'Our tradesmen have a low code of honor. They overcharge us for the
+necessities of life. Many of them have been caught cheating. Our wives
+and sons and daughters are living beyond their means, as if ignorant
+of the fact that it is the beginning of dishonesty. Our poverty is
+mostly that of the soul. The churches are dying, and the sabbath is
+dead. What we need is a return to the honor, sanity, and common sense
+of old New England, which gave of its fullness to the land we love.
+Let's start a school of old-fashioned decency and Americanism. Let's
+call it the Church of All Faiths and make it a center of power.'
+
+"I laid the scheme before him in all its details, and then--
+
+"'I'm with you,' he said, 'and I think I can see Knowles moving and
+Deacon Joe coming down off his high horse.'
+
+"'Possibly we could use Knowles,' I suggested. 'There'll be a lot of
+detail.'
+
+"'But only as a kind of clerk,' said Harry.
+
+"As a kind of clerk, I agreed. 'We shall need a number of clerks. I
+intend that every family within ten miles shall be visited at least
+once a week. We shall not only let our light shine, but we shall make
+it shine into every human heart in this community. If they're too
+callous we'll punch a hole with our trusty blade and let the light in.
+The lantern and the rapier shall be our weapons.'
+
+"Harry was full of enthusiasm. He had met Marie on the street, and she
+was glad to learn that he was going to work.
+
+"'Incidentally, I hope to win your grandfather's consent,' he had said
+to her.
+
+"And she had answered: 'If you could do that I should think you were
+an extremely able young man.'
+
+"'And worthy of the best girl living?' Harry had urged.
+
+"'That's too extravagant,' Marie had said as she left him.
+
+"Harry went to work with me at once. He bought the rink and the ground
+beneath it and some more alongside. We spent days and nights with an
+architect making and remaking the plans, and by and by we knew that
+we were right. Soon the contractor began his work, and in three months
+we had finished the most notable meeting-house of modern times.
+
+"The walls were tinted a rich cream color, the woodwork was painted
+white. There were new carpets in the aisles, and between them
+comfortable seats for nine hundred people. The fine old pulpit from
+which Jonathan Edwards had preached his first sermon was the center of
+a little garden of ferns and palms and vines and mosses, all growing
+in good ground, with a small fountain in their midst--a symbol of
+purity. A great sheet of plate glass behind the pulpit showed a
+thicket of evergreens. High above the pulpit was another big sheet of
+glass, through which one got a broad view of the sky, and it was
+framed in these words: 'The heavens declare the glory of God and the
+firmament showeth his handiwork.'
+
+"The walls were adorned with handsome pictures loaned by my friends.
+On one wall were these modern commandments, most of which were gleaned
+from the masterly volume entitled _The Life and Writings of Robert
+Delance, Bishop of St. Clare_, which Harry had found in a London
+bookstore:
+
+"1. 'Be grateful unto God, for He hath given thee life, time, and this
+beautiful world. Other things thou shalt find for thyself.'
+
+"2. 'Be brave with thy life, for it is very long.'
+
+"3. 'Waste no time, for thy time is very little.'
+
+"4. 'See that this world is the better for thy work and kindness.'
+
+"5. 'Doubt not the truth of that thy senses tell thee, for thy God is
+no deceiver.'
+
+"6. 'Love the truth and live it, for no one is long deceived by
+lying.'
+
+"7. 'Give not unto the beast and neglect thy brother.'
+
+"8. 'Go find thy brothers in the world and see that these be many, for
+a man's strength and happiness are multiplied by the number of his
+brothers.'
+
+"9. 'Beware lest thy wealth come between thee and them and tend to
+thine own poverty and theirs.'
+
+"10. 'Suffer little children to come unto thee, for of such is the
+kingdom of heaven.'
+
+"The simple-hearted old Bishop had just the philosophy we needed. It
+seemed to have been carefully designed to meet the inventiveness of
+the modern sinner. He was turning out well and had already exerted a
+wholesome influence on the character of Harry. Would that all
+ancestors were as well chosen!
+
+"We did not wish to hinder the other churches, and that spirit went
+into all our plans. First, then, we decided that our services should
+begin at twelve o'clock every Sunday, and close at one or before
+twenty minutes after one. That gave our parishioners a chance to go
+to the other churches if they wanted to. I traveled from Boston to St.
+Louis, and returned _via_ Washington, to engage talent for our pulpit.
+I wanted the best that this land afforded, and was prepared to pay its
+price. I engaged nine ministers, distinguished for eloquence and
+learning, three Governors, the Mayor of a Western city, two United
+States Senators, one Congressman, and a Justice of the Supreme Court
+of the land. They were all great-souled men, who had shown in word and
+action a touch of the spirit of Jesus Christ. Some of them had been
+throwing light into dark places and driving money-changers from the
+temple and casting out devils. They were all qualified to enlighten
+and lift up our souls.
+
+"I asked that their lessons should be drawn from the lives of the
+modern prophets--Abraham Lincoln, Silas Wright, Daniel Webster,
+Charles Sumner, Henry Clay, Noah Webster, George William Curtis,
+Ralph Waldo Emerson, Sidney Lanier, Horace Greeley, and others like
+them. What I sought most was an increase of the love of honor and the
+respect for industry in our young men and women. Holiness was a thing
+for later consideration, it seemed to me.
+
+"I put a full-page advertisement in each local paper, which read about
+as follows:
+
+"'The Church of All Faiths.
+
+"'Built especially for sinners and for good people who wish to be
+better.
+
+"'Will begin its work in this community Sunday, June 19th, at twelve
+o'clock, with a sermon by Socrates Potter, Esq., of Pointview, in
+which he will set forth his view of what a church should do, and an
+account of what this church proposes to do, for its parishioners.
+Other churches are cordially invited to worship, and to work with us
+for the good of Pointview.'
+
+"The curiosity of all the people had been whetted to a keen edge. They
+had begged for information, but Betsey and I had said that they
+should know all about it in due time. I had given my plan to the
+contributors only, and they were to keep still about it.
+
+"Sometimes silence is the best advertisement, and certain men who seem
+to be so modest that they are shocked by the least publicity are the
+greatest advertisers in the world. The man who hides his candle under
+a bushel is apt to be the one whose candle is best known. So it
+happened with us. Nine hundred and sixteen people filled the seats in
+our church that morning by twelve o'clock, and two hundred more were
+trying to get in.
+
+"At the next service an honored minister whose soul is even greater
+than his fame preached for us, and that week a petition came to me,
+signed by six hundred citizens, complaining that the hour was
+inconvenient, and asking that it be changed to 10.30 A.M. I believe in
+the voice of the people, and obeyed it; but I knew what would happen,
+and it did. The other churches were deserted and silent. One by one
+their ministers came to see me--all save one old gentleman in whom the
+brimstone of wrath had begun to burn more fiercely. We needed and were
+glad to have the help of two of them. There were the sick and the poor
+to be visited; there were weddings and funerals and countless details
+in the organization of the new church to be attended to.
+
+"I ought to tell you that a curious and unexpected thing had happened.
+Fisherfolk, street gamins, caddies, loafers on the docks and in the
+livery stables, millionaires and million-heiresses--people who had
+thought themselves either above or below religion--came to our
+meetings. Each resembled in numbers a political rally.
+
+"We have started an improvement school for Sunday evenings, in which
+the great story is told in lectures and fine photographs thrown on a
+screen. And not only the great story, but any story calculated to
+inspire and enlighten the youthful mind. The best of the world's work
+and art and certain of the great novels will be presented in this way.
+I am going to get the great men of the world to give us three-minute
+sermons on the phonograph. Thus I hope to make it possible for our
+people to hear the voices and sentiments of kings, presidents,
+premiers, statesmen, and prophets--the men and women who are making
+history.
+
+"We have started a small country club where poor boys and girls can
+enjoy billiards, bowling, golf, and tennis. Any boy or girl in this
+town who has a longing for better things is sought and found by our
+ministers, and all kinds of encouragement are offered. People and
+clergy of almost every faith that is known here in Pointview are
+working side by side for one purpose. Think of that! The revolution
+has been complete and mainly peaceful. As to the expense of it all,
+we tax the rich, and for the rest we temper the wind to the length of
+their wool.
+
+"Of course, there were certain people who didn't like it, and among
+them was Deacon Joe. He and four others hired a minister, and sat in
+lonely sorrow in the old church every Sunday, until the expense
+sickened them. Then the Deacon got mad at the town, and refused to be
+seen in it.
+
+"'Reach everybody,' had been one of our mottoes, and Deacon Joe said
+that he guessed we wouldn't reach him."
+
+
+
+
+XVI
+
+WHICH PRESENTS AN INCIDENT IN OUR CAMPAIGN AGAINST NEW NEW ENGLAND
+
+
+"We had some adventures in new New England which ought to be set down.
+Here's one of them.
+
+"The old village of Trent lies back in the hills, a little journey
+from Pointview, on the shores of a pleasant river. To the unknowing
+traveler, who approaches from either hilltop, it has a peaceful and
+inviting look. But the rutted, rocky road begins at once to excite
+suspicion. A bad road is an indication and a producer of degeneracy in
+man and beast. It tends to profanity, and if it went far would
+probably lead to hell. Trent itself is one of the little modern hells
+of New England. There are the venerable and neatly fashioned houses of
+the old-time Yankee--the peaked roofs and gables, the columns, the
+cozy verandas, the garden spaces. But the old-time Yankees are gone.
+The well-kept gardens are no more. Many of the houses are going to
+ruin. One is an Italian tenement. The others are inhabited by
+coachmen, chauffeurs, gardeners, mill-hands, and degenerate Yankees.
+The inn is a mere barroom. Sounds of revelry and the odor of stale
+beer come out of it. In front are teams of burden, abandoned, for a
+time, by their drivers, and sundry human signs of decay loafing in the
+shadow of the old lindens. Among them are the seedy remnants of a once
+noble race. They are fettered by 'rheumatiz' and the disordered liver.
+They move like boats dragging their anchors. To make life tolerable
+their imaginations need assistance. They are like the Flub Dubs of
+lost Atlantis. Each imagines himself the greatest man in the village.
+They talk in loud words. They quarrel and fight over the crown. So it
+has been a brawling, besotted community.
+
+"Trent's leading citizen is a Yankee politician who owns most of its
+real estate and derives a profit from its lawless traffic. Trent has
+been his enterprise.
+
+"Knowles went over there one day to conduct a funeral, which was
+interrupted by a dog-fight under the coffin and nearly broken up by a
+row over two dollars which had been found in a pocket of the dead
+man.
+
+"We opened a club-house next to the hotel, and began a campaign for
+the regeneration of Trent. Soon we discovered that its one officer was
+unwilling to arrest offenders against law and order. We had him
+removed and a new man put in his place. This man was set upon and
+severely beaten, and lost interest in the good work. Then Harry
+applied for the job and got it. He took with him a force of husky
+young men--mostly college boys. The first day on duty he arrested in
+the street a drunken man who carried in his hands a small sack of
+potatoes. The latter whistled for help, and the enemies of law and
+order swarmed out of their haunts. Harry had become an expert ball
+pitcher, noted for speed and accuracy. He floored his man and took
+possession of the potatoes, with which he proceeded to defend himself.
+Only two balls were pitched, but they held the enemy in check until
+Harry's deputies had rushed out of the club-house. A flying wedge
+scattered the crowd. No further violence was needed. The ruffians saw
+that he meant business and had the nerve and muscle to carry it
+through, and nothing more was necessary--just then.
+
+"They took the drunken man to the lock-up, and came back and got a
+bartender, and led him in the same path. Harry has the situation well
+in hand, and is the most popular man in our community. Every day we
+have items to put to his credit, and nothing to charge against his
+reputation. There's something going on at the club every evening, and
+the rooms are crowded. Those men who had sat day by day brawling under
+the lindens now spend most of their leisure in the reading and card
+rooms. Peace reigns in Trent. Such is the power of united benevolence
+working with the strong hand and the courageous spirit."
+
+
+
+
+XVII
+
+WHICH PRESENTS A DECISIVE INCIDENT IN OUR CAMPAIGN AGAINST OLD NEW
+ENGLAND
+
+
+"Harry was pretty well disabled with affection for a time. He was like
+a Yankee with the 'rheumatiz,' and you know when a Yankee gets hold of
+the 'rheumatiz' he hangs on. It don't often get away from him. It
+becomes an asset--a conservational asset--an ever-present help in time
+of haying.
+
+"Since Harry's return the tactics of Marie had been faultless. Her
+eyes had said, 'Come on,' while her words had firmly held him off. He
+shook the tree every time they met, but the squirrel wouldn't come
+down.
+
+"It was a hard part for Marie to play, between the pressure of two
+handsome boys and her duty to grandpapa. The Reverend Robert had won
+the favor of the old gentleman by turning from tennis to agriculture
+for exercise. He had gone over to the Benson farm and helped with the
+spring's work; he had supper there every Sunday evening, after which
+he conducted a little service for the Deacon's benefit. He was
+pressing, as they say in golf, and it didn't improve his game. I saw
+that Marie was not quite so fond of him. I had maintained an attitude
+of strict neutrality, but could not fail to observe that Marie had
+begun to lean.
+
+"'You have captured the rest of Pointview, and you ought to be able to
+take Benson's Hill,' Marie had said to Harry. 'Grandfather is the last
+enemy of your crusade.'
+
+"It was a timely touch on the accelerator, and Harry began to speed up
+a little.
+
+"'The farm is so well defended, and there's nothing I dread so much as
+a hickory cane,' the boy had answered. 'The last visit I made to the
+farm I wondered whether I was going to convert him to my way of
+thinking, or he was going to convert me to jelly.'
+
+"Indeed, Deacon Joe stood firm as a mountain. People were saying that
+the minister would win in a walk, when Marie converted her grandfather
+by the most remarkable bit of woman's strategy that I ever observed.
+It was Napoleonic.
+
+"One day in May, Harry came, much excited, to my office. Deacon Joe
+was about to move to his island, a mile or so off shore. He was going
+to take Marie with him for an indefinite period. No boat would be
+permitted to land there except his own and the Reverend Robert's.
+Marie would be a sort of prisoner. That day she had told him of the
+plan of her grandfather. In Harry's opinion Knowles had suggested
+it.
+
+"'Where is the girl's mother?' I asked.
+
+"'On some Cook's tour in Europe, and the old man is crazy as a March
+hare,' said my young friend. 'He's got a lot of bulldogs over there,
+and his hired men have been instructed to shoot a hole in any boat
+that comes near.'
+
+"I went over to the Benson homestead that afternoon, and found Deacon
+Joe sitting on the piazza.'
+
+"'How are you?' I asked.
+
+"'Not very stout,' said he; 'heart flutters like a ketched bird.'
+
+"'What are you doing for it?'
+
+"'Doctor give me some medicine; I fergit the name of it, but it is the
+stuff they use to blow up safes with.'
+
+"'Nitroglycerin! The very thing! I hope they will succeed in blowing
+up your safe.'
+
+"I was pretty close to the old man, and was always very frank with
+him. He liked opposition, and was as fond of warfare as an Old
+Testament hero.
+
+"'What, sir?' he asked.
+
+"'There are some folks that have got to be blowed up before you can
+get an old idea out of their heads,' I went on. 'They are locked up
+with rust. That's what's the matter with you, Deacon. Your brain needs
+to be blowed open an' aired. You stored it full of ideas sixty years
+ago and locked the door for fear they'd get away. They should have
+been taken out and sorted over at least once a year, and some thrown
+into the fire to make room for better ones. If life does you any good,
+if it really teaches you anything, your brain must keep changing its
+contents.'
+
+"The Deacon hammered the table with his cane, as he shouted:
+
+"'You cussed fool of a lawyer! Don't you know that truth never
+changes? Truth, sir, is eternal.'
+
+"Then I took the bat. 'Truth often changes, but error is eternal,' I
+said. 'You know when you want to prove anything, these days, you
+quote from the memoirs of a great man. Well, I was reading the memoirs
+of the late Doctor Godfrey Vogeldam Guph not long ago. He told of a
+man who was very singular, but not so singular as the doctor seemed to
+think. This man knew more than any human being has a right to know. He
+knew the plans of God, and had formed an unalterable opinion about all
+his neighbors. Then he locked up his mind and guarded it night and
+day, for fear that somebody would break in and carry off its contents.
+And it did seem as if people wanted to get hold of his treasure, for
+they often came and asked about it, and some even questioned its
+value. He said, "Away with you--truth is eternal, and my soul is full
+and I will part with none of it."
+
+"'Meanwhile the truth about things around him began to change. Neighbor
+Smith became a good man. Neighbor Brown became a bad man. Priscilla
+Jones, who had been a vain and foolish woman, was one of the saints of
+God. The foundations of the world had changed. In a generation it
+had grown millions of years older and different--wonderfully
+different! Even God himself had changed, it would seem. His methods were
+not as people had thought them. His character was milder. Everything
+had changed but this one man. Now when he died and came to St. Peter,
+the latter said to him:
+
+"'"Who were your friends?"
+
+"'The new-comer thought a minute, and mentioned the names of some
+people who had been long dead. "They know the truth about me," he
+said.
+
+"'"Ah, but the truth changes, and they haven't seen you in many
+years," said St. Peter.
+
+"'"But I have not changed," said the man. "I am just as when they saw
+me."
+
+"'"Then you are a fool or the chief of sinners," said St. Peter.
+"Behold a man as changeless as the flint-stone, who has made no
+friends in over forty years! That is all I need to know about you.
+Take either gate you please."
+
+"'"One leads to Heaven--doesn't it?" said the new-comer, in great
+alarm.
+
+"'"Yes, but you wouldn't recognize the place. There isn't a soul in
+paradise that cares which way you go--not a soul in all its multitude
+that will be glad to see you. They have better company. Stranger! go
+which way you please, Heaven will be as uncomfortable as hell."
+
+"Deacon Joe gave me close attention, and I saw that my sword had
+nicked him a little. Anything that affected his hope of Paradise was
+sure to engage his thought. He shook his head, and said that he didn't
+believe it. But he couldn't fool me. I knew that the seed of change
+had struck into him.
+
+"I gave him another thrust. 'Deacon, you knew Harry Delance when he
+was a fool. But the truth about _him_ has changed. He is now a
+hard-working, level-headed young fellow, and you ought to be his
+friend.'
+
+"'Wal, I like the way he cuffed them fellers over at Trent,' said the
+Deacon. 'He pounded 'em noble--that's sartin. Mebbe if he licks a few
+more men I'll begin to like him.'
+
+"'Give him a chance,' was my answer. 'I hear that you are going to
+move for the summer.'
+
+"'Goin' to my island to-morrow,' said Deacon Joe. 'I'm sick of the
+autymobiles an' the young spendthrifts hangin' around Marie, an' her
+extravagance, an' the new church nonsense, an' the other goin's-on.
+I've got a good house there, an' Marie an' I are goin' to rest an'
+stroll around without bein' run over until her mother comes back. The
+only trouble I have there is the hired men. They rob me right an'
+left. I wish somebody would lick them.'
+
+"'You really need a young man like Harry,' I urged. 'And Marie needs
+him. She'll be lonely over there.'
+
+"'Not a bit,' said the Deacon. 'She'll have a saddle-horse, and young
+Knowles can come over once a week, if he wants to. I hear he's done
+splendid lately.'
+
+"'He's doing well, but I am inclined to think that Harry is the better
+man,' I said, taking sides for the first time.
+
+"'I don't believe it,' was the answer of Deacon Joe. 'Knowles is
+getting pretty sensible, and his voice is stronger.'
+
+"The Deacon moved next day, and when Sunday came I went over in a boat
+with the Reverend Robert at eight o'clock in the morning. I was taking
+a stroll on the beach when I met him, and he asked me to go along. It
+was just a social call, he explained. Incidentally, he was going to
+pray and read a Scripture lesson at the Deacon's request. As we left
+the dock, Harry came riding by on one of his thoroughbreds and I
+waved my hand to him. When we got to the Deacon's landing, I said to
+Robert:
+
+"'As I am not invited, perhaps you had better announce me to Deacon
+Joe, while I stay here in the boat.'
+
+"'All right,' he said, as he gaily jumped ashore and tied the painter
+rope.
+
+"Robert hurried in the direction of the little house, and had covered
+half the distance, when a bulldog came sneaking toward him. Robert saw
+the dog, and ran for a tree. He was making handsome progress up the
+trunk of the tree when the dog reached him, and, seizing a leg of his
+trousers, began to surge backward. The cloth parted at the knee, and
+between the pulling of man and dog, Robert lost about all the lower
+end of one trousers-leg. The hired man came running out with some more
+dogs, and said:
+
+"'It's all right, Mr. Knowles, you can come down. I hope he didn't
+hurt you.'
+
+"'Excuse me,' said the young man, 'but I think I'll stay here a
+while.'
+
+"Three dogs stood at the foot of the tree looking anxiously upward.
+
+"'They won't hurt you while I'm here,' said the hired man.
+
+"'I won't take any chances,' said Robert. 'Go shut up your lions, and
+I'll come down.'
+
+"'Who's that in the boat?' the hired man asked.
+
+"'Mr. Potter,' said Robert.
+
+"'Well, he mustn't land 'less the old man says so--I don't care who he
+is.'
+
+"Just then the hired man changed his position suddenly, and stood
+looking into the sky. I turned and saw an aeroplane coming down like
+some great bird from the hills, behind the village. It sailed high
+above the spires, and coasted down to a level some fifty feet above
+the water-plane between shore and island. In a minute or so it roared
+over me, circled the point, and came down in the open field that
+faced the Deacon's cottage. Dogs and chickens flew and ran in great
+confusion as it swooped to earth. I knew that Harry and his new flier
+had reached the island of Deacon Joe, and I hurried ashore to
+see--well, 'to see what I could see,' as the old song has it. Harry
+jumped from his seat. The hired man ran toward him. Deacon Joe and
+Marie and a woman-servant hurried out-of-doors.
+
+"In less time than it takes to tell it, Harry had licked the hired
+man, and kicked two dogs in the belly till they ran for life, and shot
+another one, and was chasing a second hired man around the wood-shed.
+Not being able to run fast enough to do further damage, Harry came to
+the astonished group in front of the house and caught Marie in his
+arms and kissed her.
+
+"Then he turned to the Deacon, and said: 'Sir, I will keep off your
+island if you wish, but I do not propose to be bluffed when I come to
+pay my compliments to you and Marie.'
+
+[Illustration: "HE LOOKED LIKE A MAN WITH A WOODEN LEG"]
+
+"Deacon Joe was dumb with astonishment. The young minister came down
+out of his tree and walked slowly toward the group, with rags flapping
+over one extremity of his union-suit. He looked like a man with a
+wooden leg.
+
+"'How did ye get here?' Deacon Joe demanded of Harry.
+
+"'Jumped from the top of Delance's Hill and landed right here,' said
+the latter.
+
+"'In that awful-lookin' thing?' the Deacon asked, pointing with his
+cane and squinting at the big biplane.
+
+"'In that thing,' Harry answered.
+
+"'How long did it take ye?'
+
+"'About five minutes.'
+
+"'It's impossible,' said the Deacon, as he approached the biplane and
+began to look at it.
+
+"'But you'll see me jump back again in a little while,' Harry assured
+him.
+
+"'Geehanniker!' the Deacon exclaimed. 'Jumped from the top of
+Delance's Hill an' licked my caretaker an' chased a hired man an'
+sp'ilt two dogs an' treed the minister and kissed the lady o' the
+house--all in about ten minutes. I guess you're a good deal of a
+feller.'
+
+"It was the kind of thing that warmed the warrior soul of the Deacon.
+
+"'Hello--here's a dead dog,' said Harry. 'If you'll have one of the
+men bring me a shovel I'll bury him there in the garden. Meanwhile you
+may tell me how much I owe you for the two dogs.'
+
+"'I guess about twenty-five dollars,' said the Deacon.
+
+"'How much off for cash?' Harry asked.
+
+"'Wal, sir, if you ain't goin' to ask me to charge it, ten dollars
+would do,' the Deacon allowed.
+
+"'There's a wonderful power in cash,' said Harry, as he produced the
+money.
+
+"'You're gettin' some sense in your head,' said the Deacon.
+
+"The shovel was brought; and Harry, who had expected to shoot a dog
+or two and had been practising for this very act, put his victim under
+three feet of soil in as many minutes. That also pleased the Deacon.
+
+"'Purty cordy, too,' the latter said, as he turned to Marie. 'Now,
+girl, take your choice. I want to know which is which, an' stop bein'
+bothered about it.'
+
+"She made her choice then and there, and as to which of the two it may
+have been you will have no doubt when I tell you that Marie had
+planned every detail in this bit of strategy and Harry had been man
+enough to put it through.
+
+"'You know Zeb's commandment has been a help to me,' he said, when I
+offered congratulations. '"Be brave with your life, for it is very
+long."'
+
+"The Deacon has changed. His heart and mind are open. Every Sunday you
+may see him in a front seat, drinking at the new fount of inspiration;
+and it is a rule of his life to make a new friend every day. I'm
+inclined to think that the old man has been saved at last.
+
+"Yes, we try to reach everybody in one way or another."
+
+THE END
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of 'Charge It', by Irving Bacheller
+
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+
+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of 'Charge It', by Irving Bacheller
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: 'Charge It'
+       Keeping Up With Harry
+
+Author: Irving Bacheller
+
+Release Date: August 1, 2009 [EBook #29568]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 'CHARGE IT' ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Roger Frank and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+<div class='figtag'>
+<a name='linki_1' id='linki_1'></a>
+</div>
+<div class='figcenter'>
+<img src='images/illus-cvr.jpg' alt='' title='' width='285' height='400' /><br />
+</div>
+<hr class='pb' />
+<div class='figtag'>
+<a name='linki_2' id='linki_2'></a>
+</div>
+<div class='figcenter'>
+<img src='images/illus-fpc.jpg' alt='' title='' width='411' height='513' /><br />
+<p class='caption'>
+&#8220;SHE WISHED ME TO SUGGEST SOMETHING FOR HER TO DO&#8221; [See page 56]<br />
+</p>
+</div>
+<hr class='pb' />
+<hr class='tp' />
+<p class='tp' style='font-size:2.4em;margin-top:10px;'>&#8220;CHARGE IT&#8221;</p>
+<p class='tp' style='margin:5px auto;'>OR</p>
+<p class='tp' style='font-size:1.4em;margin-bottom:10px;'>KEEPING UP WITH HARRY</p>
+<hr class='tp' />
+<p class='tp' style='font-style:italic;font-size:1.2em;margin-bottom:20px;margin-top:10px;'>A story of fashionable extravagance and of the<br />successful efforts to restrain it made<br />by The Honorable Socrates Potter<br />the genial friend of Lizzie</p>
+<p class='tp' >BY</p>
+<p class='tp' style='font-size:1.4em;margin-bottom:20px;'>IRVING BACHELLER</p>
+<p class='tp' >ILLUSTRATED</p>
+<div style='margin:30px auto; text-align:center;'><img alt='emblem' src='images/illus-emb.png' /></div>
+<hr class='tp' />
+<p class='tp' style='font-size:1.2em;'>HARPER &amp; BROTHERS PUBLISHERS</p>
+<p class='tp' >NEW YORK AND LONDON</p>
+<p class='tp' style='font-size:1.2em;'>MCMXII</p>
+<hr class='tp' />
+<hr class='pb' />
+
+<table summary='booklist' style='border:1px solid black; padding:10px;'>
+<tr><td colspan='2'><p class='tp' >Books by</p></td></tr>
+<tr><td colspan='2'><p class='tp' style='font-size:1.4em;margin-bottom:10px;'>IRVING BACHELLER</p></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><span class='sc'>Charge It</span>. Ill&#8217;d. 12mo</td><td align='right'><i>net</i> $1.00</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><span class='sc'>Keeping Up With Lizzie</span>. Ill&#8217;d. Post 8vo</td><td align='right'><i>net</i> 1.00</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><span class='sc'>Eben Holden</span>. Ill&#8217;d. Post 8vo</td><td align='right'>1.50</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>&nbsp;</td><td align='right'>Edition de Luxe 2.00</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><span class='sc'>Eben Holden&#8217;s Last Day A-Fishing</span>. 16mo</td><td align='right'>.50</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><span class='sc'>Dri and I</span>. Ill&#8217;d. Post 8vo</td><td align='right'>1.50</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><span class='sc'>Darrell of the Blessed Isles</span>. Ill&#8217;d. Post 8vo</td><td align='right'>1.50</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><span class='sc'>Vergilius</span>. Post 8vo</td><td align='right'>1.35</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><span class='sc'>Silas Strong</span>. Post 8vo</td><td align='right'>1.50</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><span class='sc'>The Hand-Made Gentleman</span>. Post 8vo</td><td align='right'>1.50</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><span class='sc'>In Various Moods</span>. Poems. Post 8vo</td><td align='right'><i>net</i> 1.00</td></tr>
+<tr><td colspan='2'><hr class='e5' /></td></tr>
+<tr><td colspan='2'><p class='tp'>HARPER &amp; BROTHERS, NEW YORK</p></td></tr>
+</table>
+
+<p class='tp' style='font-size:smaller;margin-top:40px;'>COPYRIGHT, 1912. BY  HARPER &amp; BROTHERS</p>
+<hr class='e5' />
+<p class='tp' style='font-size:smaller;'>PRINTED IN THE  UNITED STATES OF AMERICA<br />PUBLISHED SEPTEMBER, 1912</p>
+<p class='tp' style='margin-bottom:20px;'>K-M</p>
+<hr class='pb' />
+<p class='tp' >TO MY DEAR FRIEND</p>
+<p class='tp' style='font-size:1.2em;letter-spacing:0.2em; margin:5px auto;'>LEDYARD PARK HALE</p>
+<p class='tp' >ANOTHER HONEST LAWYER</p>
+<hr class='pb' />
+<h3>CONTENTS</h3>
+<table border='0' cellpadding='2' cellspacing='0' summary='Contents' style='margin:1em auto;'>
+<tr>
+  <td valign='top' class='chalgn'><span style='font-size:smaller'>CHAP.</span></td>
+  <td />
+  <td valign='top' align='right'><span style='font-size:smaller'>PAGE</span></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+  <td valign='top' class='chalgn'>I.</td>
+  <td valign='top' align='left' style='padding-right:4em;'><span class='smcap'>In Which Harry Swiftly Passes from One Stage of His Career to Another</span></td>
+  <td valign='bottom' align='right'><a href='#I_IN_WHICH_HARRY_SWIFTLY_PASSES_FROM_ONE_STAGE_OF_HIS_CAREER_TO_ANOTHER'>1</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+  <td valign='top' class='chalgn'>II.</td>
+  <td valign='top' align='left' style='padding-right:4em;'><span class='smcap'>Which Begins the Story of the Bishop&#8217;s Head</span></td>
+  <td valign='bottom' align='right'><a href='#II_WHICH_BEGINS_THE_STORY_OF_THE_BISHOPS_HEAD'>11</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+  <td valign='top' class='chalgn'>III.</td>
+  <td valign='top' align='left' style='padding-right:4em;'><span class='smcap'>Which Is the Story of the Pimpled Queen and the Black Spot</span></td>
+  <td valign='bottom' align='right'><a href='#III_WHICH_IS_THE_STORY_OF_THE_PIMPLED_QUEEN_AND_THE_BLACK_SPOT'>33</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+  <td valign='top' class='chalgn'>IV.</td>
+  <td valign='top' align='left' style='padding-right:4em;'><span class='smcap'>In Which Socrates Encounters &#8220;New Thought&#8221; and Psychological Hair</span></td>
+  <td valign='bottom' align='right'><a href='#IV_IN_WHICH_SOCRATES_ENCOUNTERS_NEW_THOUGHT_AND_PSYCHOLOGICAL_HAIR'>45</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+  <td valign='top' class='chalgn'>V.</td>
+  <td valign='top' align='left' style='padding-right:4em;'><span class='smcap'>In Which Socrates Discusses the Over-Production of Talk</span></td>
+  <td valign='bottom' align='right'><a href='#V_IN_WHICH_SOCRATES_DISCUSSES_THE_OVERPRODUCTION_OF_TALK'>55</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+  <td valign='top' class='chalgn'>VI.</td>
+  <td valign='top' align='left' style='padding-right:4em;'><span class='smcap'>In Which Betsey Commits an Indiscretion</span></td>
+  <td valign='bottom' align='right'><a href='#VI_IN_WHICH_BETSEY_COMMITS_AN_INDISCRETION'>69</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+  <td valign='top' class='chalgn'>VII.</td>
+  <td valign='top' align='left' style='padding-right:4em;'><span class='smcap'>In Which Socrates Attacks the Worst Doers and Best Sellers</span></td>
+  <td valign='bottom' align='right'><a href='#VII_IN_WHICH_SOCRATES_ATTACKS_THE_WORST_DOERS_AND_BEST_SELLERS'>75</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+  <td valign='top' class='chalgn'>VIII.</td>
+  <td valign='top' align='left' style='padding-right:4em;'><span class='smcap'>In Which Socrates Attacks the Helmet and the Battle-Ax</span></td>
+  <td valign='bottom' align='right'><a href='#VIII_IN_WHICH_SOCRATES_ATTACKS_THE_HELMET_AND_THE_BATTLEAX'>84</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+  <td valign='top' class='chalgn'>IX.</td>
+  <td valign='top' align='left' style='padding-right:4em;'><span class='smcap'>In Which Socrates Increases the Supply of Splendor</span></td>
+  <td valign='bottom' align='right'><a href='#IX_IN_WHICH_SOCRATES_INCREASES_THE_SUPPLY_OF_SPLENDOR'>91</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+  <td valign='top' class='chalgn'>X.</td>
+  <td valign='top' align='left' style='padding-right:4em;'><span class='smcap'>In Which Socrates Breaks the Drag and Tandem Monopoly in Pointview</span></td>
+  <td valign='bottom' align='right'><a href='#X_IN_WHICH_SOCRATES_BREAKS_THE_DRAG_AND_TANDEM_MONOPOLY_IN_POINTVIEW'>99</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+  <td valign='top' class='chalgn'>XI.</td>
+  <td valign='top' align='left' style='padding-right:4em;'><span class='smcap'>In Which Sundry People Make Great Discoveries</span></td>
+  <td valign='bottom' align='right'><a href='#XI_IN_WHICH_SUNDRY_PEOPLE_MAKE_GREAT_DISCOVERIES'>106</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+  <td valign='top' class='chalgn'>XII.</td>
+  <td valign='top' align='left' style='padding-right:4em;'><span class='smcap'>In Which Harry Is Forced to Abandon Swamp Fiction and Like Follies and to Study the Geography and Natives of a Land Unknown to Our Heiristocracy</span></td>
+  <td valign='bottom' align='right'><a href='#XII_IN_WHICH_HARRY_IS_FORCED_TO_ABANDON_SWAMP_FICTION_AND_LIKE_FOLLIES_AND_TO_STUDY_THE_GEOGRAPHY_AND_NATIVES_OF_A_LAND_UNKNOWN_TO_OUR_HEIRISTOCRACY'>118</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+  <td valign='top' class='chalgn'>XIII.</td>
+  <td valign='top' align='left' style='padding-right:4em;'><span class='smcap'>In Which the Minister Gets Into Love and Trouble</span></td>
+  <td valign='bottom' align='right'><a href='#XIII_IN_WHICH_THE_MINISTER_GETS_INTO_LOVE_AND_TROUBLE'>127</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+  <td valign='top' class='chalgn'>XIV.</td>
+  <td valign='top' align='left' style='padding-right:4em;'><span class='smcap'>In Which Socrates Discovers a New Folly</span></td>
+  <td valign='bottom' align='right'><a href='#XIV_IN_WHICH_SOCRATES_DISCOVERS_A_NEW_FOLLY'>139</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+  <td valign='top' class='chalgn'>XV.</td>
+  <td valign='top' align='left' style='padding-right:4em;'><span class='smcap'>In Which Harry Returns to Pointview and Goes to Work</span></td>
+  <td valign='bottom' align='right'><a href='#XV_IN_WHICH_HARRY_RETURNS_TO_POINTVIEW_AND_GOES_TO_WORK'>148</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+  <td valign='top' class='chalgn'>XVI.</td>
+  <td valign='top' align='left' style='padding-right:4em;'><span class='smcap'>Which Presents an Incident in Our Campaign Against New New England</span></td>
+  <td valign='bottom' align='right'><a href='#XVI_WHICH_PRESENTS_AN_INCIDENT_IN_OUR_CAMPAIGN_AGAINST_NEW_NEW_ENGLAND'>171</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+  <td valign='top' class='chalgn'>XVII.</td>
+  <td valign='top' align='left' style='padding-right:4em;'><span class='smcap'>Which Presents a Decisive Incident in Our Campaign Against Old New England</span></td>
+  <td valign='bottom' align='right'><a href='#XVII_WHICH_PRESENTS_A_DECISIVE_INCIDENT_IN_OUR_CAMPAIGN_AGAINST_OLD_NEW_ENGLAND'>176</a></td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+<hr class='pb' />
+<h3>ILLUSTRATIONS</h3>
+<div style='font-size:smaller'>
+<table border='0' cellpadding='2' cellspacing='0' summary='Illustrations' style='margin:1em auto;'>
+<col style='width:75%;' />
+<col style='width:25%;' />
+<tr>
+  <td valign='top' align='left'>&#8220;SHE WISHED ME TO SUGGEST SOMETHING FOR HER TO DO&#8221;</td>
+  <td valign='bottom' align='right'><a href='#linki_2'><i>Frontispiece</i></a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+  <td valign='top' align='left'>&#8220;WHAT DIDN&#8217;T THEY SAY? THEY FLEW AT ME LIKE WILDCATS.&#8221;</td>
+  <td valign='bottom' align='right'><a href='#linki_3'>60</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+  <td valign='top' align='left'>&#8220;&#8216;IT&#8217;S THE VAN ALSTYNE CREST,&#8217; I SAID. &#8216;IT&#8217;S A PROOF OF RESPECTABILITY.&#8217;&#8221;</td>
+  <td valign='bottom' align='right'><a href='#linki_4'>86</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+  <td valign='top' align='left'>&#8220;RADIANT IN SILK, LACE, DIAMONDS, PEARLS, AND RUBIES&#8221;</td>
+  <td valign='bottom' align='right'><a href='#linki_5'>94</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+  <td valign='top' align='left'>&#8220;HARRY&#8217;S PET COLLIE HAD COME UP TO THE BACK DOOR WITH A HUMAN SKULL IN HIS MOUTH&#8221;</td>
+  <td valign='bottom' align='right'><a href='#linki_6'>148</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+  <td valign='top' align='left'>&#8220;HE LOOKED LIKE A MAN WITH A WOODEN LEG&#8221;</td>
+  <td valign='bottom' align='right'><a href='#linki_7'>188</a></td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+</div>
+<hr class='pb' />
+<h2>FOREWORD</h2>
+<p>It may interest, if it does not comfort,
+the reader to know that this little story
+is built upon facts. The ride of Harry,
+the hundred-dollar pimple, the psychological
+hair, the downfall of Roger, all happened,
+while the Bishop&#8217;s Head is one of
+the possessions of a New England family.</p>
+<p class='ralign'>I. B.<span class='rindent4'>&nbsp;</span></p>
+<hr class='pb' />
+<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_1' name='page_1'></a>1</span></div>
+<h1>&#8220;CHARGE IT&#8221;</h1>
+<div class='chsp'>
+<a name='I_IN_WHICH_HARRY_SWIFTLY_PASSES_FROM_ONE_STAGE_OF_HIS_CAREER_TO_ANOTHER' id='I_IN_WHICH_HARRY_SWIFTLY_PASSES_FROM_ONE_STAGE_OF_HIS_CAREER_TO_ANOTHER'></a>
+<h2>I</h2>
+<h3>IN WHICH HARRY SWIFTLY PASSES FROM ONE STAGE OF HIS CAREER TO ANOTHER</h3>
+</div>
+<p>&#8220;Harry and I were waiting for his
+motor-car,&#8221; said the Honorable Socrates
+Potter. &#8220;He couldn&#8217;t stand and
+wait&ndash;&ndash;that would be losing time&ndash;&ndash;so we
+kept busy. Went into the stores and
+bought things&ndash;&ndash;violets, candy, golf-balls,
+tennis-shoes, new gloves, and neckties.
+Harry didn&#8217;t need &#8217;em, but he couldn&#8217;t
+waste any time and&ndash;&ndash;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;There&#8217;s the car!&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;In each store Harry had used the
+magic words, &#8216;Charge it,&#8217; and passed on.</p>
+<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_2' name='page_2'></a>2</span></div>
+<p>&#8220;We were going over to Chesterville
+to settle with the contractor who had built
+his father&#8217;s house. We had an hour and
+four minutes in which to do it all, and then&ndash;&ndash;the
+6.03 express for New York. Harry had
+to get it to be in time for a bridge party.</p>
+<p>&#8220;We climbed in. Harry grabbed the
+wheel. The gas-lever purred, the gears
+clicked, the car jumped into motion and
+rushed, screeching, up the hill ahead of us,
+shot between a trolley-car and a wagon,
+swung around a noisy runabout, scared a
+team into the siding, and sped away.</p>
+<p>&#8220;The town behind us! Country-houses
+on either side! A bulldog in the near
+perspective! He set himself, made a rush
+at us, as if trying to grab a wheel off the
+car, and the wheel got him. We flushed a
+lot of chickens. The air seemed to be full
+of them. Harry waved an apology to the
+farmer, as if to say:</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Never mind, sir, I&#8217;m in a hurry now.
+Take my number and charge it.&#8217;</p>
+<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_3' name='page_3'></a>3</span></div>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;He struck a fowl, and, turning, I saw
+a whirl of feathers in the air behind us and
+the farmer&#8217;s fist waving above the dust.</p>
+<p>&#8220;Harry would have paid for the dog
+and the fowl in money but not in time&ndash;&ndash;not
+even in a second of time! Harry had
+an engagement for a bridge party and must
+catch the 6.03 express.</p>
+<p>&#8220;A man on a bicycle followed by a big
+greyhound was just ahead. We screeched.
+The man went into the ditch and took a
+header. The greyhound didn&#8217;t have time
+to turn out then. He bent to the oars
+until he had gained lead enough to save
+himself with a sidelong jump into the
+buttercups.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Charge it!&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;The needle on the speedometer wavered
+from fifty to fifty-five, then struck at sixty,
+held a second there, and passed it. Gnats
+and flies hit my face and stung like flying
+shot. The top of the road went up in
+a swirl of dust behind us. I hung on, with
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_4' name='page_4'></a>4</span>
+my life in my trembling hands. We zipped
+past teams and motor-cars.</p>
+<p>&#8220;We filled every eye with dust and every
+ear with screeches and every heart with a
+swift pang of terror.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Charge it!&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;A rider with a frightened horse raced
+on ahead of us to the next corner. We sped
+across the track into Chesterville and&ndash;&ndash;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Hold up! There&#8217;s the office ahead.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;The levers move, down goes the brake,
+and we&#8217;re there.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Eleven miles in fourteen minutes!&#8217;
+Harry exclaims, as I spring out and hurry
+to the door. It was really sixteen minutes,
+but I always allow Harry a slight discount.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Not in!&#8217; I shout, in a second.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Not in&ndash;&ndash;heart of Allah!&ndash;&ndash;where is he?&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;At the Wilton job on the point.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;We&#8217;ll go get him.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;You go; I&#8217;ll wait here.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;Away he rushes&ndash;&ndash;I thank God for the
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_5' name='page_5'></a>5</span>
+brief respite. This high power encourages
+great familiarity with the higher powers.
+But the Creator&#8217;s name is used here in no
+light or profane spirit, let me say. In each
+case it is only a brief prayer or, rather, the
+beginning of a prayer which one has not
+time to finish. It is cut short by a new
+adventure.</p>
+<p>&#8220;I say to myself that I shall not ride
+back with Harry. No, life is still dear to
+me. I will take the trolley. And yet&ndash;&ndash;what
+thrilling, Jove-like, superhuman deviltry
+it was! I light a cigar and sit down.
+Harry and Wilton arrive. Fifteen minutes
+gone!</p>
+<p>&#8220;I get down to business.</p>
+<p>&#8220;Harry says: &#8216;Please cut it short.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;I could have saved five hundred dollars
+if I had had time to present our side of the
+case with proper deliberation. But Harry
+keeps shouting:</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Do cut it short. I <i>must</i> get there&ndash;&ndash;don&#8217;t
+you know?&#8217;</p>
+<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_6' name='page_6'></a>6</span></div>
+<p>&#8220;Wilton must have his pay, too&ndash;&ndash;he
+needs every cent of it to-morrow.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;You go on. I&#8217;ll stay here and settle
+this matter and go home by the trolley.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Let&#8217;s stick together,&#8217; my young friend
+entreats. &#8216;Please hurry it through and come
+on with me. I need you.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;Harry must have company. His time
+is wasted unless he has a spectator&ndash;&ndash;an
+audience&ndash;&ndash;a witness&ndash;&ndash;a historian. Without
+that, all his hair-breadth escapes would
+be thrown away. His stories would hang
+by a thread.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;We&#8217;ve only twenty-one minutes,&#8217; he calls.</p>
+<p>&#8220;I say to myself: &#8216;Damn the man whose
+money is like water and whose time is
+more precious than the last hour of Mahomet.&#8217;
+Well, of course, there was plenty
+of money, but the supply of time was
+limited. To waste a second was to lose
+an opportunity for self-indulgence.</p>
+<p>&#8220;I draw a check and take a hurried
+receipt and jump in.</p>
+<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_7' name='page_7'></a>7</span></div>
+<p>&#8220;Away we go. &#8216;Look out!&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;The brakes grind, and we rise in the air
+a little as a small boy crosses our bows.
+We just missed him&ndash;&ndash;thank God!</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Don&#8217;t be reckless, old man&ndash;&ndash;go a bit
+slower.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;It&#8217;s all right. We&#8217;ve a clear road now.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;What a wind in our faces! There&#8217;s
+the track ahead.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;<i>Look out! The train! God Almighty!</i>&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;I spoke too late. We were almost up
+to the rails when I saw it. We couldn&#8217;t
+stop. Cleared the track in time. Felt
+the wind of the engine in my back hair,
+and then my scalp moved. Just ahead was
+a light buggy in the middle of the road
+and a bull, frightened by the cars, galloping
+beside it.</p>
+<p>&#8220;In the excitement Harry hadn&#8217;t time to
+blow, and the roar of the train had covered
+our noise. The bull turned into the ditch
+and speeded up. We swerved between bull
+and buggy and grazed the side of the latter.</p>
+<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_8' name='page_8'></a>8</span></div>
+<p>&#8220;I jumped and landed on the bull, and that
+saved me. It&#8217;s the first time that I ever
+knocked a bull down. He got to his feet
+swiftly beside me, bellowed, and took the
+fence. He was a fat, well-fed bull with a
+big, round, soft side on him. I never knew
+that a bull was so mellow. My feet sank
+deep, and he gave way, and I hit him again
+with another part of my person. I didn&#8217;t
+mean it, and felt for him, although it is
+likely that his feelings needed no further
+help from me. Of course I bounded off
+him at last and the earth hit me a hard
+upper-cut, but the bull had been a highly
+successful shock absorber. In a second
+or so I was able to get up and look around.
+The buggy had gone over, and the horse
+was on his hind legs trying to climb out of
+the dust-cloud.</p>
+<p>&#8220;Harry stopped his car and began to
+back up.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;That&#8217;ll do for me,&#8217; I said. &#8216;I don&#8217;t
+sit in your padded cell any longer.&#8217;</p>
+<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_9' name='page_9'></a>9</span></div>
+<p>&#8220;I had lived a whole three-volume novel
+in the last forty minutes. The Panama
+Canal had been finished and England had
+become a republic. It was too much.</p>
+<p>&#8220;We found two men&ndash;&ndash;one at the head of
+the frightened horse, the other lying beside
+the wrecked buggy with a broken leg.</p>
+<p>&#8220;And Harry had an engagement to play
+bridge!</p>
+<p>&#8220;I took the horse&#8217;s head. The well man
+pulled a stake off the fence and chased
+Harry around the motor-car. He didn&#8217;t
+intend to &#8216;charge it.&#8217; Wanted cash down.
+I got hold of his arm and succeeded in
+calming him.</p>
+<p>&#8220;Harry apologized and assured them
+that he was willing to pay the damage.
+We picked up the injured man and took
+him to his home. On the way Harry explained
+that they should keep track of all
+expenses and:</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Charge it.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;In a few minutes Harry roared off in
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_10' name='page_10'></a>10</span>
+the direction of Pointview to get a doctor
+and the 6.03 express.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;It might be a little late,&#8217; he said, as
+he left us.</p>
+<p>&#8220;The next day Harry was arrested as a
+public enemy for criminal carelessness. He
+had injured three men on the highways
+of Connecticut, to say nothing of dogs
+and poultry. Almost everybody had something
+charged against Harry. He was highly
+unpopular, but a good fellow at heart.</p>
+<p>&#8220;I got the judge to release him on his
+promise to abandon motoring for three years.</p>
+<p>&#8220;Thus he rushed out of the motor-car stage
+of his career into that of the drag and tandem.</p>
+<p>&#8220;He had had more narrow escapes and
+suffered greater perils than Rob Roy.</p>
+<p>&#8220;Yes, bulls are a good thing&ndash;&ndash;a comparatively
+soft thing. I recommend them
+to every motorist who may have to look
+for a place to land. Don&#8217;t ever throw yourself
+on the real estate of New England. It
+can hit harder than you can.&#8221;</p>
+<hr class='toprule' />
+<div class='chsp'>
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_11' name='page_11'></a>11</span>
+<a name='II_WHICH_BEGINS_THE_STORY_OF_THE_BISHOPS_HEAD' id='II_WHICH_BEGINS_THE_STORY_OF_THE_BISHOPS_HEAD'></a>
+<h2>II</h2>
+<h3>WHICH BEGINS THE STORY OF THE BISHOP&#8217;S HEAD</h3>
+</div>
+<p>&#8220;Harry is the most modern character
+in my little museum,&#8221; said the Honorable
+Socrates Potter, as I sat with him in
+his cozy office. &#8220;I was really introduced
+to Harry by the Bishop of St. Clare, who
+died in 1712. I didn&#8217;t know his heart
+until the Bishop made us acquainted.
+Strange! Well, that depends on the point
+of view. You see, the Bishop was acquired
+and imported as an ancestor by one of the
+best families, and that&#8217;s how I happened
+to meet him. They would have got William
+the Conqueror&ndash;&ndash;of England and Fifth
+Avenue&ndash;&ndash;if he hadn&#8217;t been well hidden.</p>
+<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_12' name='page_12'></a>12</span></div>
+<p>&#8220;I am inclined to converse long and
+loudly on the reconstruction of Pointview.
+Of course I shall talk too much, but I am
+a licensed liar, and the number of my
+machine is 4227643720, so if I smash a
+dog here and there, make a note of the number
+and charge it. I&#8217;m going fast and shall
+not have time to stop for apologies.</p>
+<p>&#8220;In Pointview even Time has quickened
+his pace. Last year is ancient history.
+Lizzie has been succeeded by Miss Elizabeth,
+who needs a maid, a chauffeur, a
+footman, and a house-party to maintain
+her spirits. Harry and his drag have
+taken the place of Dan and his runabout.</p>
+<p>&#8220;The enemy has arrived in force. We are
+surrounded by country-houses and city
+abdomens of appalling size and arrogance.
+Mansions crown the slopes and line the
+water-front. The dialect of the lazy Yankee
+and his industrious hens are heard
+no more in the hills of Pointview. Where
+the hoe and the sickle were stirred by the
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_13' name='page_13'></a>13</span>
+fear of hunger, the golf-club and the tennis-racket
+are moved by the fear of fat. The
+sweat of toil is now the perspiration of
+exercise. The chatter of society has succeeded
+that of the goose and the polliwog.
+Land has gone up. Rocks have become
+real estate even while they belonged to
+Christian Scientists. Ledges, smitten by the
+modern Moses, have gushed a stream of
+gold. Once the land supported its owner.
+Now wealth supports land and landlord
+and the fullness thereof. The Fifth Avenue
+farmer has begun to raise his own vegetables
+at a dollar apiece and a crop of
+criminals second to none. In his hands
+farming becomes agriculture and the farm
+a swarming nest of parasites.</p>
+<p>&#8220;We are in the midst of a new migration
+from the cities back to the land, and all are
+happy save the philosophers. It is a remote
+reaction of former migrations to the
+mines and the oil-fields. The descendants
+of these very pioneers now seek to exchange
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_14' name='page_14'></a>14</span>
+a part of their gold for the ancient sod in
+which are the roots of their family trees and
+delusions.</p>
+<p>&#8220;With these rich men came Henry
+Delance, who grew up with me here and
+went to Pittsburg in his early twenties and
+made a fortune in the coal and iron business.
+His grandfather was old Nick Delance, a
+blacksmith; and his father owned a farm
+on the hills and made a bare living for himself
+and a large family. They had been
+simple, hard-working, honest people. I
+helped Henry to buy the old place, and, as
+we stood together on the hilltop, he said
+to me:</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;I often think of the old days that were
+full of hard labor. What a woman my
+mother was! Did all the work of the house
+and raised seven boys and two girls, and
+every one of them has had some success
+in the world&ndash;&ndash;except me. One built a big
+railroad, one was governor of a State, one
+a member of Congress, one a noted physician,
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_15' name='page_15'></a>15</span>
+two have made millions, and both
+of the girls married well. Now, my boy
+has had every advantage&ndash;&ndash;&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;But poverty,&#8217; I suggested.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;But poverty,&#8217; he repeated, &#8216;and I&#8217;m
+unable to give him that. It&#8217;s probably the
+one thing that would make a man of him,
+and I wouldn&#8217;t wonder if he succeeded in
+achieving it.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;A rather large undertaking,&#8217; I said.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Yes, but he&#8217;s well qualified,&#8217; Henry
+answered, with a smile.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;What&#8217;s the matter with your boy?&#8217;
+I asked.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;So busy with tomfoolery&ndash;&ndash;no time for
+anything else. I&#8217;ve had so much to do
+that I&#8217;ve rather neglected Harry, and now
+he&#8217;s too much for me. He knows that he&#8217;s
+got me beat on education, but that&#8217;s only
+the beginning of what he knows. Good
+fellow, you understand, but he&#8217;s young and
+thinks me old-fashioned. I wish you&#8217;d
+help me to make a man of him.&#8217;</p>
+<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_16' name='page_16'></a>16</span></div>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;What can I do?&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Get him interested in some kind of
+work. He doesn&#8217;t like my business. He
+hates Wall Street, and, knowing it as I do,
+how can I blame the boy? He doesn&#8217;t
+take to the law&ndash;&ndash;&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;And, knowing it as I do, how can <i>I</i>
+blame him?&#8217; I interrupted.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;But, somehow, he hasn&#8217;t the spring in
+his bow that I had&ndash;&ndash;the get-up-and-get&ndash;&ndash;the
+disposition to move all hell if necessary.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;You can&#8217;t expect it,&#8217; I said. &#8216;His
+mainspring is broken.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;What would you call his mainspring?&#8217;
+he asked.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;The desire to win money and its power.
+Mind you, I wouldn&#8217;t call that a high
+motive, but in a young man it&#8217;s a kind of a
+mainspring that sets him a-going and keeps
+the works busy until he can get better motive
+power. In Harry it&#8217;s broken.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;You&#8217;re right&ndash;&ndash;it was busted long ago,&#8217;
+said Henry Delance.</p>
+<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_17' name='page_17'></a>17</span></div>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Some one has got to contrive a new
+mainspring for the sons of millionaires&ndash;&ndash;they&#8217;re
+so plenty these days.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;There&#8217;s the desire to be respectable,&#8217;
+he suggested.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;But it is not nearly so universal as
+the love of money. If it were possible to
+have millionaire carpenters and shoemakers
+there&#8217;d be more hope! But I&#8217;ll try to
+invent a mainspring for Harry. If he doesn&#8217;t
+marry some fool woman there&#8217;s a chance
+for the boy&ndash;&ndash;a good chance. Tell me all
+about him.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;In his own way, which amused me a
+little, the old man sketched the character
+of his son, or rather confessed it.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;A kind of Alexander the Great,&#8217; he
+said. &#8216;We shall have to be careful or lose
+our heads. Surfeited with power, you know.
+When he wants anything he goes to a store
+and says, &#8220;Charge it.&#8221; That has ruined him.
+He&#8217;s no scale of values in his mind.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;He told me, then, with some evidence
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_18' name='page_18'></a>18</span>
+of alarm, that Harry had become interested
+in a fool woman, older than he, noted for
+her beauty and equestrian skill&ndash;&ndash;by name
+Mrs. Revere-Chalmers, of a well-known
+Southern family. I knew the woman&ndash;&ndash;divorced
+from a rich old gentleman of great
+generosity, who had taken all the blame
+for her sake. But I happened to know
+that the circumstances on her side were
+not creditable. The truth, however, had
+been well concealed.</p>
+<p>&#8220;In her youth Frances Revere had two
+beautiful parents. In fact, they were all
+that any girl could desire&ndash;&ndash;obedient and
+respectful to their youngers. She was always
+kind to them and kept them looking
+neatly and helped them in their lessons
+and brought them up in the fear of Tiffany
+and the hope of future happiness. They
+played most of the time, but never chased
+each other in and out of the bedrooms or
+made any noise about the house when she
+lay sleeping in the forenoon. Their sense
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_19' name='page_19'></a>19</span>
+of chivalry would not have permitted it.
+When she arose she called them to her and
+patted their heads and said: &#8216;What dear
+parents I have!&#8217; It might be thought that
+the fair Frances led an aimless and idle
+life. Not so. The young lady was very
+busy and never forgot her aim. She was
+preparing herself to be a marryer of men
+and the leading marryer in the proud city
+of her birth. Every member of the household
+became her assistant in this noble
+industry. Many storekeepers had unconsciously
+joined her staff and &#8216;charged it&#8217;
+until they were weary. All her papa&#8217;s
+money had been invested in the business,
+and he began to borrow for a rainy day.
+Then there came a long spell of wet weather.
+At last something had to be done. Frances
+began to use her talents. No prince or
+noble duke had come for her, so she married
+an old man worth ten million dollars and
+sent her parents to an orphan asylum with
+a fair allowance of spending-money. They
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_20' name='page_20'></a>20</span>
+are her only heirs, and now, at thirty, but
+with ample capital, she has set up again
+in the marrying business.</p>
+<p>&#8220;She lives in a big country-house, and has
+a lot of cats and dogs that are shampooed
+every day. Her life is pretty much devoted
+to the regulation of hair. Her own
+requires the exclusive attention of a hired
+girl. Its tint, luster, and general effect
+show excellent taste and close application.
+Considering its area, her scalp is
+the most remarkable field of industry in
+Connecticut. Has herself made into a kind
+of life-sized portrait every day and carefully
+framed and lighted and hung. It
+is a beautiful portrait, but it is not a
+portrait of her.</p>
+<p>&#8220;Her life is arduous. I have some
+reason to think that it wearies her. She
+rings for the masseuse at 10.30 <span class='smcap'>A.M.</span> and
+breakfasts in bed at twelve o&#8217;clock. Soon
+after that the chiropodist and the manicure
+and the hair-dresser begin to saw wood;
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_21' name='page_21'></a>21</span>
+then the grooms and second footmen. At
+two o&#8217;clock she goes out to pat the head of
+the ten-thousand-dollar bull and give some
+sugar to the horses, all of whom have been
+prepared for this ordeal by bathing and
+massage.</p>
+<p>&#8220;It&#8217;s great to be able to pat the head of a
+ten-thousand-dollar bull. It&#8217;s a pretty vanity.
+All the Fifth Avenue farmers indulge
+in it. Some slap them on the back and some
+poke them in the ribs with the point of a
+parasol, but the correct thing is to pat
+them on the head and say: Dear old Romeo!</p>
+<p>&#8220;After a turn in the saddle Mrs. Revere-Chalmers
+led society until midnight. With
+her a new spirit had arrived in the ancient
+stronghold of the Yankee.</p>
+<p>&#8220;I began to learn things about Harry&ndash;&ndash;a
+big, blond, handsome youth who had traveled
+much. He had been to school in New
+York, London, Florence, and Paris, and had
+graduated from Harvard. For a time he
+called it Hahvud, but passed that trouble
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_22' name='page_22'></a>22</span>
+without serious injury and put it behind him.
+In the European stage of his career he had
+been attacked by lions, griffins, and battle-axes
+and had lost some of his red blood.
+There he had acquired a full line of Fifth
+Avenue dialect and conversation with trills
+and grace notes from France and Italy.
+He had been slowly recovering from that
+trouble for a year or so when I met him.
+Now and then a good, strong, native idiom
+burst out in his conversation.</p>
+<p>&#8220;Harry was a man without a country,
+having never had a fair chance to acquire
+one. He had touched many high and low
+places&ndash;&ndash;from the top of the Eiffel Tower
+to the lowest depths of the underworld.
+Also, he knew the best hotels in Europe and
+eastern America, and the Duke of Sutherland
+and the Lord Mayor of London, and
+Jack Johnson, the pugilist. Harry knew
+only the upper and lower ends of life.</p>
+<p>&#8220;He was an extremist. Also, he was a
+prolific and generous liar. He lied not to
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_23' name='page_23'></a>23</span>
+deceive, but to entertain. There was a
+kind of noble charity in his lying. He
+would gladly perjure his soul to speed an
+hour for any good friend. His was the
+fictional imagination largely exercised in the
+cause of human happiness. Now and then
+he became the hero of his own lies, but he
+was generally willing to divide the honors.
+His friends knew not when to believe him,
+and he often deceived them when he was
+telling the truth.</p>
+<p>&#8220;Early in April, Henry Delance came to
+me and said: &#8216;Soc, you&#8217;ve been working
+hard for years, and you need a rest. Let&#8217;s
+get aboard the next steamer and spend a
+fortnight in England.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;I had little taste for foreign travel, but
+Betsey urged me to go, and I went with
+Henry and his wife, their daughter Ruth
+and the boy Harry, and sundry maids and
+valets. We had been a week in London,
+when Henry and the Mrs. came into
+my room one day, aglow with excitement.
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_24' name='page_24'></a>24</span>
+Mrs. Delance was first to address
+me.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Mr. Potter, congratulate us,&#8217; said she.
+&#8216;We find that Henry is a lineal descendant
+of William the Conqueror.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Henry, it is possible that William
+could prove an alibi, or maybe you could,&#8217;
+I suggested.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;I&#8217;d make an effort,&#8217; said he, with a
+trace of embarrassment, &#8216;but my wife
+thinks that we had better plead guilty
+and let it go. That kind of thing
+doesn&#8217;t interest me so much as it does her.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;After all,&#8217; I answered, by way of consolation,
+&#8216;if you think it&#8217;s like to do you
+any harm, it doesn&#8217;t need to get out. I shall
+respect your confidence.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Too late!&#8217; his wife exclaimed. &#8216;The
+facts have been cabled to America.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;I was writing letters in my room, next
+day, when Harry interrupted me with a
+hurried entrance. He locked the door
+inside, and in a kind of playful silence
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_25' name='page_25'></a>25</span>
+drew from under his rain-coat, and deposited
+on my table, a human skull.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;The Bishop of St. Clare,&#8217; he whispered,
+in that curious dialect which I shall not
+try to imitate.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;He isn&#8217;t looking very well,&#8217; I said, not
+knowing what he meant.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;This is the Bishop&#8217;s head&ndash;&ndash;the Bishop
+of St. Clare,&#8217; Harry whispered again. &#8216;He
+was one of our ancestors&ndash;&ndash;by Jove!&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Is that all that was the matter with
+him?&#8217; I asked.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;No; his epitaph says that he died of a
+fever in 1712.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;How did you get hold of his head?&#8217;
+I asked. &#8216;Win it in a raffle?&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;I bribed the old verger in the crypt
+of St. Mary&#8217;s. Offered him two sovereigns
+to lift the stone lid and let me look in. He
+said he couldn&#8217;t do that, but discreetly
+withdrew when I put the money in his hand.
+It was up to me, don&#8217;t you know, and here
+is the Bishop&#8217;s head.&#8217;</p>
+<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_26' name='page_26'></a>26</span></div>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Going to have him photographed in a
+group of the family?&#8217; I asked.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;No, but you see Materna paid two
+pounds for a chunk off a tombstone, and I
+thought I would give her a souvenir worth
+having,&#8217; said he, and blushed for the first
+time since our interview had begun. &#8216;This
+is unique.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;And you didn&#8217;t think the Bishop
+would miss it?&#8217; I suggested.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Not seriously,&#8217; he answered. &#8216;I guess
+it&#8217;s a fool thing to have done, but I thought
+that I could have some fun with the Bishop&#8217;s
+head. Mother is going to round up
+all the Delances at Christmas for a big
+dinner&ndash;&ndash;uncles, aunts, and cousins, you
+know&ndash;&ndash;a celebration of our genealogical
+discoveries with a great family tree in the
+center of the table. The history of the
+Delances will be read, and I thought that
+I would spring a surprise&ndash;&ndash;tell them that I
+had invited our old ancestor, Sir Robert
+Delance, Bishop of St. Clare; that, contrary
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_27' name='page_27'></a>27</span>
+to my hope, he had accepted, and that
+I would presently introduce him. In due
+time I would produce the head and read
+from his life and writings, which I bought
+in a London book-stall. Finally, I thought
+that I would have him tell how he happened
+to be present. Don&#8217;t you think he would
+make a hit?&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;He would surely make a hit&ndash;&ndash;a resounding
+hit,&#8217; I said, &#8216;but not as a proof of
+respectability. Even if the Bishop is your
+ancestor, you have no good title to his bones.
+I presume that every visitor to the old church
+puts his name and address in a register?&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Yes.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Well, suppose the theft is discovered and
+the verger gives you away. All the money
+you&#8217;ve got wouldn&#8217;t keep you out of prison.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;Harry began to turn pale. He was a
+good fellow, but this genealogical frenzy
+had turned his head, and his head was
+not as old as the Bishop&#8217;s. It was unduly
+young.</p>
+<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_28' name='page_28'></a>28</span></div>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Assume that you get home with your
+prize, the Bishop&#8217;s head would be the worst
+enemy that his descendants ever had. It
+would always accuse you and grin at your
+follies. And would you dare proclaim the
+truth over in Pointview that you really
+have the skull of the Bishop of St. Clare?&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;The boy was scared. He had suddenly
+discovered an important fact. It was the
+north pole of his education.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;By Jove! I&#8217;m an ass,&#8217; he said. &#8216;What
+shall I do with it?&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Say nothing of the thing to anybody,
+not even to your father, and get rid of it.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;That&#8217;s what I&#8217;ll do,&#8217; he said, as he
+wrapped the skull in a piece of newspaper,
+hid it under his coat, and left me.</p>
+<p>&#8220;We sailed next afternoon, and that
+evening, when Harry and I sat alone in a
+corner of the deck, I asked him what
+he had done with the Bishop&#8217;s head.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Tried to get rid of it, but couldn&#8217;t,&#8217;
+he said. &#8216;My conscience smote me, and I
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_29' name='page_29'></a>29</span>
+took the old bone back to St. Mary&#8217;s.
+Going to do my duty like a man, you see,
+but it wouldn&#8217;t work. New verger on the
+job! I weakened. Then I put it in a box
+and had it addressed to a fictitious man in
+Bristol, and sent my valet to get it off by
+express. It went on, and was returned for a
+better address. You see, my valet&ndash;&ndash;officious
+ass!&ndash;&ndash;had left his address at the express
+office. How <i>gauche</i> of him! While we
+were lying at the dock a messenger came to
+my state-room with the Bishop&#8217;s head. I
+had to take it and pay five shillings and a
+sixpence for the privilege.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;The old Bishop seems to be quite attached
+to his new relative,&#8217; I said.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Yes, but when the deck is deserted, by
+and by, I&#8217;m going to drop him overboard.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;And that is what he did&ndash;&ndash;dropped it,
+solemnly, from the ship&#8217;s side at dinnertime,
+and I witnessed the proceeding.</p>
+<p>&#8220;The adventure had one result that was
+rather curious and unexpected. It brought
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_30' name='page_30'></a>30</span>
+Harry close to me and established our relations
+to each other. That they admitted
+me to his confidence as a friend and counselor
+of the utmost frankness was on the
+whole exceedingly fortunate. From that
+time he began to trust me and to distrust
+himself.</p>
+<p>&#8220;So it happened that I was really introduced
+to Harry by the Bishop of St. Clare,
+who died in 1712, and those credentials
+gave me a standing which I could not otherwise
+have enjoyed.</p>
+<p>&#8220;Coming home, I limbered up my imagination
+and outlied Harry.</p>
+<p>&#8220;I was forced to invent that cheerful,
+handy liar the late Dr. Godfrey Vogeldam
+Guph, Professor of the Romance Languages
+in the University of Brague and the intimate
+friend of any great man you may be pleased
+to mention. With his help I have laid
+low even the most authoritative, learned,
+and precise liars in the State of Connecticut.
+I do it by quoting from his memoirs.</p>
+<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_31' name='page_31'></a>31</span></div>
+<p>&#8220;Harry&#8217;s specialty were lies of adventure
+in court and palace, and, as Dr. Guph had
+known all the crowned heads, he became
+an ever-present help in time of trouble.</p>
+<p>&#8220;Every lie of Harry&#8217;s I outdid with
+another of ampler proportions. He put
+on a little more steam, but I kept abreast
+or a length ahead of him. By and by he
+broke down and begged for quarter.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;On my word as a gentleman,&#8217; said he,
+&#8216;that last story I told was true. It really
+happened, don&#8217;t you know?&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Well, Harry, if you will only notify me
+when you propose to tell the truth, I shall be
+glad to take your word for it,&#8217; was my answer.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;And keep Dr. Guph chained,&#8217; said he.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Exactly, and give you like warning
+when I have a lie ready to launch.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;That&#8217;s a fair treaty,&#8217; he agreed.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;And a good idea,&#8217; I said. &#8216;As a liar
+of long experience I have found it best to
+notify all comers what to expect of me when
+I see a useful lie in the offing. That has
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_32' name='page_32'></a>32</span>
+enabled me to give my fancy full play
+without impairing my reputation. My
+noblest faculties have had ample exercise
+while my word has remained at par.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;We made an agreement along that line,
+and Harry ceased to be a liar, and became a
+story-teller of much humor and ingenuity.&#8221;</p>
+<hr class='toprule' />
+<div class='chsp'>
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_33' name='page_33'></a>33</span>
+<a name='III_WHICH_IS_THE_STORY_OF_THE_PIMPLED_QUEEN_AND_THE_BLACK_SPOT' id='III_WHICH_IS_THE_STORY_OF_THE_PIMPLED_QUEEN_AND_THE_BLACK_SPOT'></a>
+<h2>III</h2>
+<h3>WHICH IS THE STORY OF THE PIMPLED QUEEN AND THE BLACK SPOT</h3>
+</div>
+<p>&#8220;Well, on our return, Mrs. Delance had
+a helmet and a battle-ax, with sundry
+accessories, emblazoned on her letter-heads
+and the doors of her limousine. Here was
+another case of charge it, but this time it
+was charged against her slender capital
+of good sense. Mrs. Delance was a stout
+lady of the Dreadnought type. Harry settled
+down in the home of his father and
+began to study the &#8216;middle clahsses&#8217; with
+a drag and tandem and garments for every
+kind of leisure. The girls went to ride with
+him, and naturally began to smarten their
+dress and accents and to change their estimates.
+His &#8216;aristocratic&#8217; friends and manners
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_34' name='page_34'></a>34</span>
+were much in their company and ever
+in their dreams.</p>
+<p>&#8220;Of course, all that began to react on the
+young men: if that was the kind of thing
+the girls liked, they must try to be in it.
+Slowly but surely a Pointview aristocracy
+began its line of cleavage and a process of
+integration. Crests appeared on the letter-heads
+and limousine doors of the newly
+rich. In a month or so people of brain
+and substance degenerated into a condition
+of hardened shameless idiocy.</p>
+<p>&#8220;Some of our best citizens went abroad,
+each to find his place among the descendants
+of William the Conqueror. Suddenly I
+discovered that the clerk in my office was
+ashamed to be seen on the street with a
+package in his hands.</p>
+<p>&#8220;Our young men began to long for wealth
+and leisure. They grew impatient of the
+old process of thrift and industry. It was
+too slow. Many of them opened accounts
+in Wall Street.</p>
+<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_35' name='page_35'></a>35</span></div>
+<p>&#8220;Young Roger Daniels had some luck
+there and began to advertise the fact with a
+small steam-yacht and a cruise. We were
+going as hard as ever to keep up, but on
+higher levels of aspiration. The girls were
+engaged in a strenuous contest for the prize
+of Harry&#8217;s favor, with that handsome young
+<i>divorc&eacute;e</i> well in the lead.</p>
+<p>&#8220;Roger and his party were about to return
+from their cruise, and Harry was to
+give them a ball at the Yacht Club.</p>
+<p>&#8220;The day before the ball our best known
+physician came to see Mrs. Potter, who was
+ill, and cheered us up with a story. The
+Doctor was young, attractive, and able.
+He had threatened every appendix in Pointview,
+and had a lot of inside information
+about our men and women&ndash;&ndash;especially the
+latter. He looked weary.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Yesterday was a little hard on me,&#8217;
+he said. &#8216;It began at four in the morning
+with a confinement case and ended at one
+<span class='smcap'>A.M.</span> There were two operations at the
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_36' name='page_36'></a>36</span>
+hospital, a steady stream at the office, and a
+twenty-mile ride over the hills. Got back
+in the evening pretty well worn out.
+Tumbled into bed at two minutes of eleven,
+and was asleep before the clock struck.
+The &#8217;phone-bell at my bedside awoke me.
+I let it go on for a minute. Hadn&#8217;t energy
+enough to get up. It rang and rang.
+Out I tumbled.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Hello!&#8217; I said.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;A voice answered. &#8220;I am Mrs. So-and-So&#8217;s
+butler,&#8221; it said. &#8220;She wishes to see
+you as soon as you can get here. It&#8217;s very
+urgent.&#8221;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;&#8220;What&#8217;s the matter?&#8221;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;&#8220;Don&#8217;t know, sir, but it is serious.&#8221;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;&#8220;All right,&#8221; I said.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;My chauffeur was off for the night, so
+I &#8217;phoned to the stable and got Patrick
+and told him to hitch up the black mare
+at once, dressed, and took everything that
+I was likely to need in an emergency, got
+into the wagon, and hurried away in the
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_37' name='page_37'></a>37</span>
+darkness. After all, I thought, it is something
+to have one&#8217;s skill so much in request
+by the rich and the powerful. It was a
+long ride with one horse-power, but we got
+there.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Many windows of the great house were
+aglow. The first butler met me in the hall
+and took me to my lady&#8217;s chamber&ndash;&ndash;an
+immense room finished in the style of the
+First Empire. She was half reclining and
+playing solitaire as she smoked a cigarette
+on a divan that occupied a dais overhung
+with rare tapestries on a side of the room.
+The effect of the whole thing was queenly&ndash;&ndash;<i>&agrave;
+la</i> R&eacute;camier. She greeted me wearily
+and without rising.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;&#8220;Sit down,&#8221; said she, and I did so.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;She turned to a good-looking maid
+who timidly stood near the divan.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;&#8220;My dear little woman, you weary me&ndash;&ndash;please
+go,&#8221; she said.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;The maid went.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;&#8220;Dawctah,&#8221; the lady said to me, &#8220;I
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_38' name='page_38'></a>38</span>
+have a nahsty little pimple on my right
+cheek, and I really cahn&#8217;t go to the ball,
+you know, unless it is cuahed. Won&#8217;t you
+kindly&ndash;&ndash;ah&ndash;&ndash;see what can be done?&#8221;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;&#8220;A pimple! God prosper it!&#8221; I said to
+myself. &#8220;Has the great M.D. become a
+P.D.&ndash;&ndash;a mere doctor of pimples?&#8221;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;I inspected the pimple&ndash;&ndash;a very slight
+affair.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;&#8220;Why, if I were you, I&#8217;d just cover the
+pimple with a little square of court-plaster,&#8221;
+I said. &#8220;It would become you.&#8221;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;&#8220;What a pretty idea! That&#8217;s just
+what I will do,&#8221; she exclaimed.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;&#8220;Please charge it, Dawctah,&#8221; she said,
+wearily, as she resumed her solitaire.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;I charged a hundred dollars, but
+nothing could pay me for the humiliation
+I suffered. Going home, I pounded the mare
+shamefully.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;You charged a good price,&#8217; I said.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Yes; but it&#8217;s like pulling teeth to get
+any money out of her. One has to earn it
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_39' name='page_39'></a>39</span>
+twice. Worth a million, and hangs everybody
+up. Some have to sue.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Does nothing to-day that can be done
+to-morrow,&#8217; I said.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;True,&#8217; said he; &#8216;she don&#8217;t look after
+her business, and thinks that every one is
+trying to cheat her.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Same old story,&#8217; was my remark. I
+was her husband&#8217;s lawyer. &#8216;Well, dear,
+how much do you suppose McCrory&#8217;s bill
+is for the last month?&#8217; he would ask her.
+She would look thoughtful and say: &#8216;Oh,
+about fifteen hundred dollars.&#8217; &#8216;My dear,&#8217;
+he would go on, &#8216;it is ten thousand six
+hundred and forty-three dollars and twenty-four
+cents.&#8217; &#8216;Oh, that&#8217;s impossible,&#8217; she
+would answer. &#8216;There&#8217;s some mistake
+about it. I&#8217;ll never O.K. such a bill.
+It&#8217;s an outrage!&#8217; But the bill was always
+right.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;I didn&#8217;t suppose you would know the
+lady&ndash;&ndash;I haven&#8217;t mentioned her name,&#8217;
+said the Doctor.</p>
+<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_40' name='page_40'></a>40</span></div>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;I know her, but don&#8217;t worry&ndash;&ndash;I shall
+not betray your confidence. I knew her
+husband. It wore him out looking after
+the charge-it department. Now she&#8217;s trying
+to get Harry Delance for his job.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;She&#8217;s badly in need of a clerk,&#8217; said the
+Doctor, &#8216;and I hope she gets one. He could
+look after the pimples as well as I can.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;Many were getting ready for the ball,
+but this lady was the only one I knew of
+who had spent a hundred dollars for facial
+improvement. Harry, however, was about
+to spend a thousand dollars for the improvement
+of his conscience. It was one
+of the necessary expenses and it came about
+in this way:</p>
+<p>&#8220;The day of the ball had arrived. Harry
+came to see me about noon. He said that
+he had been busy all the morning with
+preparations for the ball, but&ndash;&ndash;</p>
+<p>&#8220;He showed me a telegram. It was from
+Roger Daniels, and it said:</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;The recent slump in the market has put
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_41' name='page_41'></a>41</span>
+me in hell&#8217;s hole. Please wire one thousand
+dollars to Bridgeport, where I am hung up.
+If you do, I shall give you good collateral
+and eternal gratitude. If you don&#8217;t, we
+shall have to miss the ball. Please remember
+that I am waiting at the other end of
+the wire like a hungry cat at a mouse-hole.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;Harry looked worried. The ball must
+come off, and, without Roger, it would be
+like Hamlet minus the melancholy Dane.
+It was a special compliment to Roger.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;What do you advise me to do?&#8217; he asked.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Pay it.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;It will probably be a dead loss.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Probably, but it&#8217;s plainly up to you.
+He&#8217;s got in trouble keeping your pace. To
+tell the honest truth, you&#8217;re responsible for
+it, and the public will charge it to your
+account. You must pay the bill or suffer
+moral bankruptcy.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;Harry was taken by surprise.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;But I can pay for <i>my</i> folly,&#8217; he said.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Yes; but when it becomes another man&#8217;s
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_42' name='page_42'></a>42</span>
+folly it&#8217;s stolen property, and as much
+yours as ever. The goods have your
+mark on &#8217;em, and, by and by, they&#8217;re dumped
+at your door. They may be damaged by
+dirt and vermin, but you&#8217;ve got to take &#8217;em.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;After all, Harry, why should a young
+man whose education has cost a hundred
+thousand dollars, if a cent, be giving up his
+life to folly? You&#8217;re too smart to spend the
+most of your time looking beautiful&ndash;&ndash;trying
+to excite the admiration of women and
+the envy of men. That might do in some
+of the old countries where the people are as
+dumb as cattle and are capable only of the
+emotion of awe and need professional
+gentlemen to excite it, and to feed upon their
+substance. Here the people have their
+moments of weakness, but mostly they are
+pretty level-headed. They judge men by
+what they do, not by what they look like.
+The professional gentleman is first an object
+of curiosity and then an object of scorn.
+He&#8217;s not for us. Young man, I knew your
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_43' name='page_43'></a>43</span>
+father and your grandfather. I like you
+and want you to know that I am speaking
+kindly, but you ought to go to work.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Mr. Potter, he said, &#8216;upon my word,
+sir, I&#8217;m going to work one of these days&ndash;&ndash;at
+something&ndash;&ndash;I don&#8217;t know what.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;The sooner the better,&#8217; I said. &#8216;Work
+is the thing that makes men&ndash;&ndash;nothing else.
+In Pointview everybody used to work.
+Now here are some facts for your genealogy
+that you haven&#8217;t discovered. Your grandfather
+and grandmother raised a family
+of nine children and never had a servant&ndash;&ndash;think
+of that. Your grandmother made
+clothes for the family and did all the work
+of the house. She was a doctor, a nurse,
+a teacher, a spinner, a weaver, a knitter, a
+sewer, a cook, a washerwoman, a gentle
+and tender mother. Now we are beginning
+to rot with idleness.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Let me tell you a story of a modern
+lady of Pointview.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;Then I told him of the Doctor&#8217;s call
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_44' name='page_44'></a>44</span>
+on the pimpled queen at midnight, and
+added:</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Think of that! Think of the fathomless
+depths of vanity and selfishness that
+lie under that pimple. It&#8217;s a monument
+more sublime than the Matterhorn. Think
+of the poor fellow that has to marry that
+human millstone, and be the clerk of her
+charge-it department.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;I can think of no worse luck, really,&#8217;
+said he. &#8216;I wonder who it is!&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Doctors never give names,&#8217; I said.
+&#8216;But you might look for the little black
+square of court-plaster.&#8221;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;By Jove!&#8217; he exclaimed. &#8216;I shall look
+with interest.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;The ball came off, and Roger got there,
+and so did the lady and the square of black
+court-plaster; and that night Harry began
+a new stage in his career.</p>
+<p>&#8220;After all, Harry was no dunce, but he
+was not yet convinced.&#8221;</p>
+<hr class='toprule' />
+<div class='chsp'>
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_45' name='page_45'></a>45</span>
+<a name='IV_IN_WHICH_SOCRATES_ENCOUNTERS_NEW_THOUGHT_AND_PSYCHOLOGICAL_HAIR' id='IV_IN_WHICH_SOCRATES_ENCOUNTERS_NEW_THOUGHT_AND_PSYCHOLOGICAL_HAIR'></a>
+<h2>IV</h2>
+<h3>IN WHICH SOCRATES ENCOUNTERS &#8220;NEW THOUGHT&#8221; AND PSYCHOLOGICAL HAIR</h3>
+</div>
+<p>&#8220;When people have little to do they go
+back to childishness. They long for
+novelty&ndash;&ndash;new playthings, new adventures,
+new sensations, new friends. So our upper
+classes are utterly restless. Every old
+pleasure is a slough of despond. The
+ladies have tried jewels, laces, crests, titled
+husbands, divorces, gambling, cocktails,
+cigarettes, and other branches of exhilaration.
+They have passed through the slums
+of literature and of the East Side of Gotham.
+The gentlemen have shown them the way
+and smiled with amusement and gone on
+to greater triumphs. To these people
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_46' name='page_46'></a>46</span>
+every old idea is &#8216;bromide.&#8217; It bores them.
+They scoff at men &#8216;who take themselves
+seriously.&#8217; In a word, Moses and the
+Prophets are so much &#8216;dope.&#8217; And they
+are excellent people who really want to
+make the world better, but the childish
+craze for novelty is upon them. Mrs.
+Revere-Chalmers was one of this kind.
+Harry came to me next day at my house
+and said:</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;By Jove! you know, it was my friend
+Mrs. R.-C. who wore the black square.
+But she is really a charming woman&ndash;&ndash;not at
+all a bad sort. I want you to know her
+better. She made me promise to bring
+you over to-morrow afternoon if you would
+come.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;We went. It was a &#8216;new-thought&#8217;
+tea&ndash;&ndash;a deep, brain-racking, forefinger-on-the-brow
+function. You could see the
+thoughts of the ladies and sometimes hear
+them as a &#8216;professor&#8217; with long hair and
+smiles of fathomless inspiration wrapped
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_47' name='page_47'></a>47</span>
+himself in obscurity and called unto them
+out of the depths. He was all depth. They
+gazed at his soulful eyes and plunged into
+deep thought, catching at straws, and he
+returned to New York by the next train
+and probably made another payment, on
+account, to his landlady. Tea and conversation
+followed his departure.</p>
+<p>&#8220;I had observed that Mrs. Revere-Chalmers
+had undergone a singular change
+of aspect, but failed to locate the point of
+difference until a sister had said to her in a
+tone of honeyed deviltry:</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;My dear, you are growing younger&ndash;&ndash;quite
+surely younger, and your hair is so
+lovely and so&ndash;&ndash;different! You know what
+I mean&ndash;&ndash;it has the luster of youth, and the
+shade is adorable without a trace of gray
+in it.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;This last phrase was the point of the
+dagger, and Mrs. Chalmers felt it. Sure
+enough, her hair had changed its hue, and
+was undeniably fuller and younger.</p>
+<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_48' name='page_48'></a>48</span></div>
+<p>&#8220;Then our hostess gave out a confession
+which has made some history and is fully
+qualified to make more. It is a curious
+fact that one who is abnormal enough to
+commit a crime is apt to have poor caution.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;I have been taking lessons of the Professor,
+and have produced this hair by concentration,&#8217;
+said she. &#8216;It is a creation of the
+new thought and so wonderful I could
+almost forgive one for not believing me.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;A gem of thought&ndash;&ndash;a hair poem!&#8217;
+I could not help exclaiming. &#8216;Did it come
+all at once, in a flood of inspiration, or hair
+by hair?&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;All at once,&#8217; she answered.</p>
+<p>&#8220;I charged it and went on as if nothing
+great had happened.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Considered as a work of the imagination,
+it is wonderful, and should rank with
+the best of Shakespeare&#8217;s,&#8217; I assured her.
+&#8216;But it will subject you to unsuspected
+perils, for your footstool will be the shrine
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_49' name='page_49'></a>49</span>
+of the hairless and you shall see the top of
+every bald head in America.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;Another lady sprang to her assistance
+by telling how she had extracted a pearl
+necklace from an unwilling husband who
+had said that he couldn&#8217;t afford it, by concentration.
+The new thought had fetched him.</p>
+<p>&#8220;The noble unselfishness with which they
+had used this miraculous gift of the spirit
+appealed to Harry and to me.</p>
+<p>&#8220;In that brilliant company was a slim
+woman of the armored cruiser type, who had
+come to Betsey one day and said:</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;You&#8217;re spoiling your husband. You
+make too much of him. You don&#8217;t seem
+to know how to manage a husband, and the
+husbands of Pointview are being ruined by
+your example. They expect too much of
+us. We women have got to stand together.
+Don&#8217;t you read the <i>Female Gazette</i>?&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;No&ndash;&ndash;I have been waiting till I could
+get a rubber-plant and other accessories,&#8217;
+said Betsey.</p>
+<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_50' name='page_50'></a>50</span></div>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Well, it may not be <i>en r&egrave;gle</i>, but it
+is full of good sense,&#8217; said the lady. &#8216;I&#8217;ve
+brought an article with me that I wish you
+would read.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;She left the article, and its title was
+&#8216;How to Manage a Husband.&#8217; It averred
+that too much petting, too much indulgence,
+made a man selfish and conceited;
+that affection should be administered with
+scientific reserve. Men should be taught
+to wait on themselves, and all that.</p>
+<p>&#8220;They called on me for remarks, and I
+said:</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;I am glad to have become acquainted
+with the power of concentration. I propose
+that we all quit work and begin to
+concentrate. Matter is only a creation
+of spirit. Let us exercise our several
+sovereign spirits and try to turn out a
+better line of matter. Let us have fewer
+rocks and stones and more comforts.
+Sweat and toil are a great mistake. Let us
+turn Delance&#8217;s Hill into plum-pudding and
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_51' name='page_51'></a>51</span>
+the stones thereof into caramels and its pond
+into tomato-soup. Why not? They have
+no reality, no substance. They are nothing
+but thoughts&ndash;&ndash;and our thoughts, at that&ndash;&ndash;and
+why shouldn&#8217;t we change &#8217;em? But
+somehow we can&#8217;t fetch it. According
+to the Professor, we have got into the
+habit of thinking in terms of rock, soil, and
+water, and we can&#8217;t get over it. There are
+some few of us who stand for better things;
+but the majority keep thinking in the old
+rut, and we can&#8217;t sway them. The Professor
+says that all we need is to get together
+and agree and then concentrate.
+But agreement doesn&#8217;t seem to be necessary.
+You know that there was a time when
+everybody, after much concentration, agreed
+that the world was flat&ndash;&ndash;everybody but one
+man. Now the world was stubborn. It
+wouldn&#8217;t give up. It hung on to its roundness,
+and let the people think what they
+pleased. They tried to flatten it with
+countless tons of concentration, but it
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_52' name='page_52'></a>52</span>
+held its shape. The one man had his way
+about it. So don&#8217;t be discouraged by an
+adverse majority on this plum-pudding
+project. One lady has shown us a sample
+of concentrated hair, and it looks good to
+me. Why all this striving, all this trouble
+about the problems of life and death, when
+the straight, broad way of concentration
+is open to us? Why shouldn&#8217;t we have
+concentrated bread and meat and shoes and
+socks and silks.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Now the subject of concentration is
+by no means new. It has been a success
+for centuries. The late Dr. Guph tells in
+his memoirs of a singular race of people
+known as the Flub Dubs who once dwelt
+on the lost isle of Atlantis. They were the
+greatest concentrators that ever lived.
+Every one thought that he was the greatest
+man in the world, and thought it so hard
+and so persistently that it came true&ndash;&ndash;in a
+way. Naturally they aimed high, and every
+man thought himself the rightful king, and
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_53' name='page_53'></a>53</span>
+a strife arose over the crown, so that no one
+could wear it and many were slain in a great
+tussle. And when they were resting from
+their struggles one rose and said: &#8220;Kings
+of the realm, you are as the dust under my
+feet. I scorn you. A few minutes ago
+I decided to reverse my concentrator and
+aim at a higher goal. It was easy of attainment.
+I have suddenly become the
+biggest fool on this island and the humblest
+of all men.&#8221;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;The announcement was greeted with
+great applause, and within three minutes
+his popularity had so enhanced that they
+put him on the throne. Such was the power
+of truth. And all confessed and joined his
+party, and he was known as the wisest
+king of the Flub Dubs.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;The moral that Dr. Guph adduces is this:
+You cannot make figs out of thistles, and
+unregulated concentration leads to trouble.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;Harry and I started for home in a deep
+silence.</p>
+<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_54' name='page_54'></a>54</span></div>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Hell!&#8217; I exclaimed, presently.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;And that reminds me that I feel like
+the king of the Flub Dubs,&#8217; said Harry.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Which indicates that you are likely
+to decline the office,&#8217; I remarked.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;It&#8217;s serious business&ndash;&ndash;this matter of
+finding a wife,&#8217; he declared.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;What&#8217;s the matter with Marie Benson?&#8217;
+I asked. &#8216;There&#8217;s a real woman and the
+best-looking girl in Connecticut.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Charming girl!&#8217; he exclaimed. &#8216;But,
+dear boy! she talks too much.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;That is a fault that could be remedied;
+and, after all, it&#8217;s a kind of generosity. It&#8217;s
+the very opposite of concentration.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Ah&ndash;&ndash;if she would only reform!&#8217; he
+said.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Leave that to me,&#8217; I answered, as he
+dropped me at my door.&#8221;</p>
+<hr class='toprule' />
+<div class='chsp'>
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_55' name='page_55'></a>55</span>
+<a name='V_IN_WHICH_SOCRATES_DISCUSSES_THE_OVERPRODUCTION_OF_TALK' id='V_IN_WHICH_SOCRATES_DISCUSSES_THE_OVERPRODUCTION_OF_TALK'></a>
+<h2>V</h2>
+<h3>IN WHICH SOCRATES DISCUSSES THE OVER-PRODUCTION OF TALK</h3>
+</div>
+<p>&#8220;Marie was my ward, and as pretty a
+girl as ever led a bulldog or ate a
+box of chocolates at a sitting. She was a
+charming fish-hook, baited with beauty and
+wealth and culture and remarkable innocence.
+She had dangled about on mama&#8217;s
+rod and line for a year or so, but the fish
+wouldn&#8217;t bite. For that reason I grabbed
+the rod from the old lady and put on a bait
+of silence and a sinker, and moved to deep
+water and began to do business.</p>
+<p>&#8220;Marie had a failing, for which, I am
+sorry to say, she was in no way distinguished.
+She talked too much, as Harry
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_56' name='page_56'></a>56</span>
+had said. There are too many American
+women who talk too much. Marie&#8217;s mother
+used to talk about six-thirds of the time.
+You had to hear it, and then you had to
+get over it. She had a way of spiking the
+shoes of Time so that every hour felt like
+a month while it was running over you.
+You ought to have seen her climb the
+family tree or the sturdy old chestnut of her
+own experience and shake down the fruit!
+Marie had one more tree in her orchard.
+She had added the spreading peach of a
+liberal education to the deadly upas of
+Benson genealogy and the sturdy old chestnut
+of mama&#8217;s experience. The <i>vox Bensonorum</i>
+was as familiar as the Congregational
+bell. The supply of it exceeded
+the demand, and after every one was
+loaded and ready to cast off, the barrels
+came rolling down the chute.</p>
+<p>&#8220;The next time I saw Marie she was a
+bit cast down. She wished me to suggest
+something for her to do. Said she wanted
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_57' name='page_57'></a>57</span>
+a mission&ndash;&ndash;a chance to do some good in
+the world. Thought she&#8217;d enjoy being a
+nurse. I felt sorry for the girl, and suddenly
+I saw the flicker of a brilliant
+thought.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Marie,&#8217; I said, &#8216;as a member of The
+Society of Useful Women you are under
+a serious obligation, and you have taste
+for missionary work. Well, what&#8217;s the
+matter with beginning on Nancy Doolittle?
+You owe her a duty and ought
+to have the courage&ndash;&ndash;nay, the kindness&ndash;&ndash;to
+perform it. Nancy talks too much.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Well, I should say so,&#8217; said Marie.
+&#8216;Nancy is a scourge&ndash;&ndash;I have often thought
+of it.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;She&#8217;s downright wasteful,&#8217; I went on.
+&#8216;She fills every hour with information, and
+then throws on some more. It keeps
+coming. Your seams open, and then it&#8217;s
+every hand to the pumps! Dora Perkins
+and Rebecca Ford are just as extravagant.
+They toss out gems of thought and chunks
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_58' name='page_58'></a>58</span>
+of knowledge as if they were as common as
+caramels.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;You should go to these girls and kindly
+but firmly remind them of this fault.
+Tell them that too much conversation
+has created more old maids and grass
+and parlor widows than any other cause.
+Give them a little lecture on the old law
+of supply and demand. Show them that
+it applies to conversation as well as to
+cabbages&ndash;&ndash;that if one&#8217;s talk is too plentiful,
+it becomes very cheap. Suggest that
+if Methuselah had lived until now and
+witnessed all the adventures of the human
+race, he couldn&#8217;t afford to waste
+his knowledge. If he talked only half the
+time nobody would believe him. They&#8217;d
+think he was crazy, and they&#8217;d know why,
+in past ages, everybody had died but him,
+and they&#8217;d wonder how he had managed
+to survive the invention of gunpowder.
+These girls have overestimated the value
+of good-will. Their securities are not well
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_59' name='page_59'></a>59</span>
+secured. There are millions of watered
+stock in their treasuries, and it isn&#8217;t worth
+five cents on the dollar. Marie, you can
+have a lot of fun. I almost envy you.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Tell these girls that the remedy is
+simple. They must be careful to regulate
+the supply to the demand. They could
+easily raise the price above par by denying
+now and then that they have any conversation
+in the treasury.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;Marie promised to undertake this important
+work, and I knew that in connection
+with it she would also get some valuable
+advice.</p>
+<p>&#8220;You see, this tendency to extravagant
+display has sunk in very deep. Our
+young people really do know a lot, and
+they want others to know that they know
+it. They are plumed with culture, and it
+has become a charge instead of a credit.</p>
+<p>&#8220;Well, things began to mend. Betsey
+and I went to dine with the Bensons one
+evening, and Marie was as quiet as a
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_60' name='page_60'></a>60</span>
+lamb. She answered modestly when we
+spoke to her. She told no stories; her
+jeweled crown of culture was not in sight;
+she listened with notable success, and
+delighted us with well-managed and illuminating
+silence. Neither she nor her
+mother nor Mrs. Bryson ventured to interrupt
+the talk of a noted professor who
+dined with us. Marie was charming.</p>
+<p>&#8220;After dinner she led me into the library,
+where we sat down together.</p>
+<p>&#8220;She seemed a little embarrassed, and
+presently said, with a laugh, &#8216;I had a talk
+with those girls, as you suggested.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;What did they say?&#8217; I asked.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;What didn&#8217;t they say?&#8217; she exclaimed.
+&#8216;They flew at me like wildcats. They tore
+me to pieces&ndash;&ndash;said I was the most dreaded
+talker in Pointview, that I had talked a
+steady stream ever since I was born, that
+nobody had a chance to get in a word with
+me, that I had made all the boys sick who ever
+came to see me. What do you think of that?&#8217;</p>
+<div class='figtag'>
+<a name='linki_3' id='linki_3'></a>
+</div>
+<div class='figcenter'>
+<img src='images/illus-060.jpg' alt='' title='' width='549' height='431' /><br />
+<p class='caption'>
+&#8220;WHAT DIDN&#8217;T THEY SAY? THEY FLEW AT ME LIKE WILDCATS.&#8221;<br />
+</p>
+</div>
+<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_61' name='page_61'></a>61</span></div>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;It&#8217;s a gross exaggeration!&#8217; I said.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Well, I thought it over, and made
+up my mind they were right,&#8217; she went
+on. &#8216;We kissed and made up and organized
+the Listeners&#8217; Circle, and mama
+and Mrs. Bryson and Mrs. Doolittle have
+joined. Our purpose is to regulate our
+talk supply very strictly to the demand.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;It&#8217;s a grand idea!&#8217; I exclaimed. &#8216;The
+Ladies&#8217; Talk and Information Trust! Why,
+it will soon control the entire product of
+Pointview, and can fix the price. Marie,
+it&#8217;s only a matter of time when the conversation
+of you girls is going to be in the
+nature of a luxury and as much desired as
+diamonds. It won&#8217;t be long before some
+young fellow will offer his life for one word
+from you.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Oh, <i>I&#8217;m</i> hopeless! Nobody cares for
+me&ndash;&ndash;not a soul!&#8217; said Marie.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Wait and give &#8217;em a chance,&#8217; I answered.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Do you think it&#8217;s true that I&#8217;ve
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_62' name='page_62'></a>62</span>
+been such a pestilence?&#8217; she asked, as
+her fingers toyed with the upholstery.
+&#8216;You know you&#8217;ve been a kind of father
+to me, and I want you to tell me frankly
+if I&#8217;ve really made the boys sick.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Why, my dear child, if I were a young
+man I&#8217;d be kneeling at your feet,&#8217; I said;
+and no wonder, for they were a beautiful
+pair of feet, and none ever supported a
+nobler girl. Then I went on: &#8216;Marie, your
+talk is charming. The demand continues.
+I feel honored by your confidence. Please
+go on.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;I believe I&#8217;ve been foolish without
+knowing it,&#8217; she said, her smile beautiful
+with its sadness.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;My dear child, if there were no folly
+in the world it would be a stupid place,
+and I for one should want to move,&#8217; I said.
+&#8216;Some never discover their own follies, and
+they <i>are</i> hopeless. You are as wise as you
+are dear. It&#8217;s in your power to do a lot of
+good. Think what you&#8217;ve already accomplished.
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_63' name='page_63'></a>63</span>
+I wish you would continue to
+help us discourage foolish display in America.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Are there any more chestnuts in the
+fire?&#8217; she asked, with a laugh. &#8216;Not that
+I&#8217;m afraid. I suppose the fire is good for
+me.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Marie, I love your fingers too well to
+burn them unduly,&#8217; I said. &#8216;By the way,
+I expect that Harry Delance will be wanting
+to marry you soon.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Harry!&#8217; she exclaimed. &#8216;I talked him
+to death&ndash;&ndash;and out of the notion&ndash;&ndash;long
+ago, and I&#8217;m not sorry. He isn&#8217;t my
+kind.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Harry&#8217;s a good fellow,&#8217; I insisted.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;But he&#8217;s so dreadfully nice&ndash;&ndash;such a
+hopeless aristocrat! Grandfather would
+have a fit. I want a big, full-blooded,
+brawny chap, who isn&#8217;t a slave to his coat
+and trousers&ndash;&ndash;the kind of man you&#8217;ve talked
+so much about&ndash;&ndash;one who could get his
+hands dirty and be a gentleman. I&#8217;m
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_64' name='page_64'></a>64</span>
+longing for the outdoor life&ndash;&ndash;and the outdoor
+man to live it with me.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Give Harry a chance&ndash;&ndash;his uneducation
+had only just begun,&#8217; I urged.</p>
+<p>&#8220;I left Marie with a rather serious look
+in her face, and began to wonder how I
+should accomplish the uneducation of Harry.</p>
+<p>&#8220;That young man came to see me, in a
+day or two, at our home. My new set of
+Smollett lay on the piano, and he greatly
+admired it. Above all things Harry loved
+books, and his specialty was Smollett; he
+had read every tale in the series, at college,
+and made a mark with his thesis on &#8216;The
+Fathers of English Fiction.&#8217; He spent an
+hour of delight with those books of mine.
+Then he said to me:</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Only fifty copies printed?&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Only fifty,&#8217; I said.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Could I get a set?&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;All sold,&#8217; I assured him, &#8216;but I shall be
+glad to give these books to you on two
+conditions.&#8217;</p>
+<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_65' name='page_65'></a>65</span></div>
+<p>&#8220;He turned in astonishment.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;They can do you no further harm, and
+my first request is that you do not lend
+them. My second is that you take them
+home in my wheelbarrow by daylight with
+your own hands.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;He silently demurred.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;At last those books have a chance to
+do some little good in the world, and I
+don&#8217;t want them to lose it,&#8217; I urged. &#8216;The
+hands, feet, and legs of the high and low
+born are slowly being deprived of their
+rights in this community. Pride is robbing
+them of their ancient and proper offices.
+How many of the young men and women of
+our acquaintance would be seen on the
+street with a package in their hands, to
+say nothing of a wheelbarrow? Their
+souls are above it!&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Why should they carry packages and
+roll wheelbarrows?&#8217; Harry asked. &#8216;Stores
+deliver goods these days.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;That&#8217;s one reason why it costs so much
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_66' name='page_66'></a>66</span>
+to live. We have to pay for our pride and
+our indolence and the delivery of the goods.
+It&#8217;s all charged in the bill. Some member
+of the family used to go to market every
+morning with his basket and carry the goods
+home with him.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;It would be ridiculous for me to do
+that,&#8217; said Harry. &#8216;We&#8217;re able to pay the
+bills.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;But you&#8217;re doing a great injustice to
+those who are not. You make the delivery
+system a necessary thing, and those who
+can&#8217;t afford it have to help you stand the
+expense&ndash;&ndash;a gross injustice. I want you
+to help me in this cause of the hand and
+foot. Your example would be full of inspiration.
+Excuse me a moment.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;I went for the wheelbarrow and rolled
+it up to the front door. Then we brought
+out the books and loaded them. That
+done, I seized the handles of the barrow.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Come on,&#8217; I said. &#8216;I&#8217;ll do the work&ndash;&ndash;you
+share the disgrace with me.&#8217;</p>
+<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_67' name='page_67'></a>67</span></div>
+<p>&#8220;My gray hairs were too much for
+him.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;No; give me the handles,&#8217; he insisted.
+&#8216;If it won&#8217;t hurt you, it won&#8217;t hurt me&ndash;&ndash;that&#8217;s
+sure.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;So, in his silk hat and frock-coat and
+spats, with a carnation in his buttonhole,
+he seized the wheelbarrow like a
+man, and away we went. I steered him
+up the Main Street, and people began to
+hail us with laughter from automobiles,
+and to jest with us on the sidewalk, and
+Marie came along with two other pretty
+girls, and the barrow halted in a gale
+of merriment.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;What in the world are you doing?&#8217;
+one of them asked.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;It&#8217;s the remains of the late Mr.
+Smollett,&#8217; I explained.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;I&#8217;m setting an example to the young,&#8217;
+said Harry, as he mopped his forehead.
+&#8216;Couldn&#8217;t help it. I had to do this thing.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Great!&#8217; Marie exclaimed. &#8216;Simply
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_68' name='page_68'></a>68</span>
+great! I&#8217;m going to get me a wheelbarrow.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;She would take hold of the handles
+and try it, and went on half a block in
+spite of our protests, creating much excitement.</p>
+<p>&#8220;That was the first rude beginning of
+The Basket and Wheelbarrow Brigade in
+Pointview, of which I shall tell you later.
+And now I shall explain my generosity&ndash;&ndash;it
+can generally be explained&ndash;&ndash;and how
+I came by the Smollett.&#8221;</p>
+<hr class='toprule' />
+<div class='chsp'>
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_69' name='page_69'></a>69</span>
+<a name='VI_IN_WHICH_BETSEY_COMMITS_AN_INDISCRETION' id='VI_IN_WHICH_BETSEY_COMMITS_AN_INDISCRETION'></a>
+<h2>VI</h2>
+<h3>IN WHICH BETSEY COMMITS AN INDISCRETION</h3>
+</div>
+<p>&#8220;Christmas was approaching, and
+Betsey said to me one day that she
+had been guilty of a great extravagance.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;I know you will forgive me just this
+once,&#8217; she went on. &#8216;My love for you is
+so extravagant that I had to keep pace
+with it. You&#8217;ve simply got to accept
+something very grand.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;I can&#8217;t think of anything that I
+need unless it&#8217;s a new jack-knife,&#8217; I said.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Nonsense!&#8217; she exclaimed. &#8216;You&#8217;ve
+got to let me spend some money for you.
+I&#8217;ve been held down in the expression of
+my affections as long as I can stand it.
+I&#8217;ve doubled my charities since we were
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_70' name='page_70'></a>70</span>
+married, as a token of my gratitude, and
+now I&#8217;ve a right to do something to please
+myself.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;All right! We&#8217;ll lift the lid,&#8217; I said.
+&#8216;We can lie about it, I suppose, and cover
+up our folly.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Well, of course we don&#8217;t have to tell
+what it cost,&#8217; said Betsey; &#8216;and, Socrates,
+you can&#8217;t expect to reform me in a year.
+It&#8217;s taken half a lifetime to acquire my
+follies.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;That&#8217;s one trouble with the whole
+problem. You can&#8217;t tear down a structure
+which has been slowly rising for
+half a century in a day, or in many days.</p>
+<p>&#8220;Christmas arrived, and Betsey went
+down-stairs with me and covered my eyes
+in the hall and led me to the grand piano.
+Then I was permitted to look, and there
+was the most gorgeous set of books that
+my eyes ever beheld&ndash;&ndash;a set of Smollett,
+in lovely brown calf, decorated with magnificent
+gold tooling! Yes, I love such
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_71' name='page_71'></a>71</span>
+things&ndash;&ndash;who doesn&#8217;t?&ndash;&ndash;and I gave Betsey
+a great hug, and we sat down with tears
+in our eyes to look at the pages of vellum
+and the wonderful etchings which adorned
+so many of them. They were charming.
+I knew that the books had cost at least a
+thousand dollars. Grandpa Smead looked
+awfully stern in his gold frame on the wall.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Now don&#8217;t think too badly of me,&#8217;
+she urged. &#8216;Every poor family within
+twenty miles is eating dinner at my expense
+this Christmas Day.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;You are the dearest girl in all the
+land!&#8217; I said. &#8216;There&#8217;s nobody like you.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;I knew that you were fond of the
+classics,&#8217; said Betsey, &#8216;so I consulted Harry
+Delance, and he suggested that I should
+give you a set of Smollett; said it would
+renew your youth. You know he&#8217;s devoted
+to Smollett.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;And why shouldn&#8217;t we keep up with
+Harry?&#8217; I said.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Well, you know he took the first
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_72' name='page_72'></a>72</span>
+prize in literature, and ought to have excellent
+taste. Then the young man who
+sold the set to me is working his way
+through Yale. I was glad to help him, too;
+he recommended these books&ndash;&ndash;said they
+were moral and uplifting&ndash;&ndash;not at all like
+the modern trash. He knew that we enjoyed
+home reading. Mary will read them
+aloud to us, and we&#8217;ll enjoy them together.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;This father of romance was not unknown
+to me, and I did not share her
+confidence in the joys ahead of us, but
+said nothing.</p>
+<p>&#8220;After a fine dinner Betsey wanted to
+start in at once. We sat down by the
+fireside while her secretary began to read
+aloud from one of the treasured volumes.
+I had not read the story, and chose it
+as being the least likely to make trouble.
+In a short time we came to rough going
+and the young woman began to falter.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;That will do,&#8217; said Betsey, suddenly,
+as I tried to conceal my emotions.</p>
+<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_73' name='page_73'></a>73</span></div>
+<p>&#8220;She took the book from the hands of
+her secretary and read on in silence for a
+minute or so.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;My land!&#8217; she exclaimed, with a look
+of horror. &#8216;That book would corrupt the
+morals of John Bunyan.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Never mind; John never lived in
+Pointview,&#8217; I argued. &#8216;He didn&#8217;t have
+a chance to get hardened.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;Betsey had a determined look in her
+face, and rang for the coachman.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;I&#8217;ll have them stored in the stable,&#8217;
+said she, firmly.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;If you don&#8217;t keep it locked, all the
+women in the neighborhood&#8217;ll be in there,&#8217;
+I warned her, knowing that she couldn&#8217;t
+help telling her friends of what had happened.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;That&#8217;s no reason why the men should
+be unduly exposed,&#8217; said Betsey. &#8216;Poor
+things! It&#8217;s my duty to protect <i>you</i> as
+long as I can, Socrates.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;I promised to get rid of the books
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_74' name='page_74'></a>74</span>
+somehow, and persuaded her to let them
+stay where they were until I had had
+time to think about it. Then she said:</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Socrates, forgive me. I didn&#8217;t mean
+it, and I wanted to be so nice to you.
+I guess it&#8217;s a just punishment for my extravagance.
+I thought the modern novels
+were bad enough. What can I do for
+you now?&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Always, when you&#8217;re in doubt, do
+nothing,&#8217; I suggested.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Oh, I know what I&#8217;ll do!&#8217; she exclaimed,
+joyfully. &#8216;I&#8217;ll knit you a pair
+of socks with my own hands.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Eureka!&#8217; I shouted. &#8216;Those socks shall
+make footprints on the sands of time.&#8217;&#8221;</p>
+<hr class='toprule' />
+<div class='chsp'>
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_75' name='page_75'></a>75</span>
+<a name='VII_IN_WHICH_SOCRATES_ATTACKS_THE_WORST_DOERS_AND_BEST_SELLERS' id='VII_IN_WHICH_SOCRATES_ATTACKS_THE_WORST_DOERS_AND_BEST_SELLERS'></a>
+<h2>VII</h2>
+<h3>IN WHICH SOCRATES ATTACKS THE WORST DOERS AND BEST SELLERS</h3>
+</div>
+<p>&#8220;One evening, soon after that, Betsey
+and I went to a party at Deacon
+Benson&#8217;s. The Deacon is Marie&#8217;s grandfather&ndash;&ndash;a
+strict, old-line Congregationalist.
+The old gentleman owned some two hundred
+acres in the very heart of Pointview and
+about a mile of shore-front. In all the
+buying and selling, he had refused to part
+with an acre of his land, now worth at least
+a million dollars. He had willed it all to
+Marie.</p>
+<p>&#8220;Deacon Joe was a relic of Puritan days,
+with shrewd eyes under heavy gray tufts,
+and a mouth bent like a sickle, and whiskers
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_76' name='page_76'></a>76</span>
+under a strong chin, and lines in his face
+that suggested the heart of a lion. In his
+walks he was always accompanied by a
+hickory cane and a bulldog whose countenance
+and philosophy were like unto those
+of the Deacon.</p>
+<p>&#8220;He was a perfectly honest man who had
+joined the church with mental reservations.
+He had reserved the right to employ certain
+adjectives and nouns which had been
+useful in Pointview since the days of the
+pioneer, and which had grown more and more
+indispensable to the opinions of an honest
+man. The verb &#8216;to damn&#8217; in all its parts
+and relations had been one of them. The
+word &#8216;hell&#8217; was another. It represented a
+thing of great conversational value, and he
+recommended it with perfect frankness to
+certain people. He loved hell and hard
+cider, and hated Episcopalians. He loved
+to tell how one Episcopalian had cheated
+him in a horse trade, and how another had
+never paid for a bushel of onions. That
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_77' name='page_77'></a>77</span>
+was enough for him. He had always
+thought them a loose, unprincipled lot with
+no adequate respect for fire and brimstone.
+But Deacon Joe was honest, and his word
+was worth a hundred cents on the dollar.</p>
+<p>&#8220;Now the Delances were Episcopalians
+from away back&ndash;&ndash;High-Church Episcopalians,
+at that. The old man had sniffed
+a good deal when Harry began to pay attention
+to Marie, and had come to see me
+about it.</p>
+<p>&#8220;I eased his fears and appealed to his
+avarice. Harry had too much money and
+some follies, I confessed, but he was sound at
+heart, and I had hope of making a strong
+man of him, and of course his money might
+be a great lever in his hands.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Very well&ndash;&ndash;we&#8217;ll keep an eye on him,&#8217;
+he snapped, and left me without another
+word.</p>
+<p>&#8220;After that Marie was allowed to go
+out with the young man in his drag and
+tandem.</p>
+<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_78' name='page_78'></a>78</span></div>
+<p>&#8220;Harry and his sister came to the party
+at Deacon Joe&#8217;s, and brought with them a
+late volume of D&#8217;Annunzio for Marie to
+read. Harry wished to know if I had
+read it, and gave us a talk on the realism of
+this modern Italian author.</p>
+<p>&#8220;Again I drew on the memoirs of Dr.
+Godfrey Vogeldam Guph, and this time
+I explained that the learned doctor had all
+the talents but one. He never told a lie&ndash;&ndash;never
+but once, and that was on his death-bed.
+Yes, it was a little late, but still it
+was in time to save his reputation, and,
+possibly, even his soul. To a man of his
+parts the truth had always been good
+enough, and lying unnecessary. If he had
+told a lie it wouldn&#8217;t have amounted to anything&ndash;&ndash;everybody
+would have believed it.
+He wouldn&#8217;t have got any credit&ndash;&ndash;poor
+man! He had no more use for a lie than a
+fish has for a mackintosh&ndash;&ndash;until he came to
+his last touching words, which were delivered
+to a minister and his sister Sophia, who
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_79' name='page_79'></a>79</span>
+had been reading to him from a book of
+D&#8217;Annunzio.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;My chance has arrived at last,&#8217; he said
+to Sophia, &#8216;and in order that I may make
+the most of it, you will please send for a
+minister.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;The latter came, and, seeing the book,
+asked the good man if he had read it.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Alas! my friend, that it should be necessary
+for me to tell a lie on my death-bed,&#8217;
+said the Doctor. &#8216;But now, at last, I tell
+it proudly and promptly. I have not read
+that book.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;And therein I do clearly see the truth,&#8217;
+said the wise old minister.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Which is this,&#8217; the learned Doctor confessed.
+&#8216;I have come to an hour when a lie,
+and nothing but a lie, can show my sense of
+shame. I solemnly swear that I have not
+read it!&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Well, at least you&#8217;re a noble liar,&#8217; said
+the man of God. &#8216;I absolve you.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;I claim no credit&ndash;&ndash;I am only doing my
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_80' name='page_80'></a>80</span>
+duty,&#8217; said the good Doctor, with a sign of
+ineffable peace.</p>
+<p>&#8220;As soon as I could get his attention,
+I called Harry aside and whispered: &#8216;In
+Heaven&#8217;s name, boy, get hold of that book
+and hang on to it.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Why?&#8217; he asked.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;You don&#8217;t know the old man as I do&ndash;&ndash;that&#8217;s
+why,&#8217; I said. &#8216;If he should happen
+to read it, he&#8217;d go after you with his
+grandfather&#8217;s sword the next time you
+showed up here.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;Marie stood near us, and I beckoned to
+her, and she came to my side.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;The book,&#8217; said Harry&ndash;&ndash;&#8216;would you let
+me take it?&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;I took it to my grandfather, and he is
+reading it in his room,&#8217; she answered.
+&#8216;Shall I go and get it?&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;Harry hesitated.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;He won&#8217;t mind,&#8217; said Marie; &#8216;I&#8217;ll go
+and get it.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;And away she went.</p>
+<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_81' name='page_81'></a>81</span></div>
+<p>&#8220;She came back to us soon, a bit embarrassed.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;He seems to be very much interested
+and&ndash;&ndash;and a little cross,&#8217; said she. &#8216;I
+think he will bring it out to you soon.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;Harry turned pale.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;You look sick, old man,&#8217; I said.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;I&#8217;m not feeling very well,&#8217; said he, &#8216;and
+I think I shall excuse myself and go home.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;There was danger of a scene, but he
+got away unharmed. By and by the lionhearted
+deacon came out of his room, asked
+severely for &#8216;young Delance,&#8217; wandered
+through the crowd, answered indignantly
+a few inquiries about his health, and returned
+to his lair.</p>
+<p>&#8220;I saw that the Deacon was mad. New
+New England had imprudently bumped
+into old New England, and it was too soon
+to estimate the damage.&#8221;</p>
+<p>The Honorable Socrates Potter laughed
+as he filled his pipe, and resumed with an
+attitude of ease and comfort;</p>
+<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_82' name='page_82'></a>82</span></div>
+<p>&#8220;I&#8217;m a bit of a Puritan myself, although
+I understood Harry better than did the Deacon.
+The young people have been captured
+by the frankness of the Latin races. They
+call it emancipation. Travel and the higher
+education have opened the storage vats of
+foreign degeneracy and piped them into our
+land. Certain young men who have been
+&#8216;finished&#8217; abroad, where they filled their
+souls with Latin lewdness, have turned it
+into fiction and a source of profit. Women
+buy their books and rush through them, and
+only touch the low places. There they lie
+entranced, thick as autumnal leaves that
+strew the brooks in Vallombrosa. Like the
+women in the sack of Ismail, they sit them
+down and watch for the adultery to begin.</p>
+<p>&#8220;The imagination of the old world seems
+to have gone wild&ndash;&ndash;Oscar Wilde! How the
+Oscars have thriven there since the first
+of them went to jail!&ndash;&ndash;a degenerate dynasty!&ndash;&ndash;hiding
+the stench of spiritual rot with
+the perfume of faultless rhetoric, speaking
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_83' name='page_83'></a>83</span>
+the unspeakable with the tongues of angels
+and of prophets! And mostly, my boy,
+they have thriven on the dollars of American
+women under the leadership of modern
+culture. And, you know, the maiden follows
+mama. She is an apologist of sublime
+lewdness, of emancipated human caninity.
+Now I am no prude. I can stand a fairly
+strong touch of human nature. I can even
+put up with a good deal of the frankness of
+the cat and dog. But the frankness of
+some modern authors makes me sorry that
+Adam was a common ancestor of theirs
+and mine. It&#8217;s a disgrace to Adam and the
+whole human brotherhood. We sons of the
+Puritans ought to get busy in the old cause.
+Noah had the good sense to keep the animals
+and the people apart, and that&#8217;s what we&#8217;ve
+always stood for.&#8221;</p>
+<hr class='toprule' />
+<div class='chsp'>
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_84' name='page_84'></a>84</span>
+<a name='VIII_IN_WHICH_SOCRATES_ATTACKS_THE_HELMET_AND_THE_BATTLEAX' id='VIII_IN_WHICH_SOCRATES_ATTACKS_THE_HELMET_AND_THE_BATTLEAX'></a>
+<h2>VIII</h2>
+<h3>IN WHICH SOCRATES ATTACKS THE HELMET AND THE BATTLE-AX</h3>
+</div>
+<p>&#8220;Marie came to see us at our home next
+morning and began to cry as soon as
+she had sat down in the library. The
+thing I had looked for had come to pass.
+Her grandfather had dropped Harry from
+his list, and warned him to keep off the rag-carpet.
+There was to be no more prancing
+around in the &#8216;toot-coach&#8217; and the &#8216;Harry-cart,&#8217;
+as he called them, for Marie. In his
+view it was the surest means of getting to
+perdition. Harry was an idler, and he had
+always found that an idle brain was the
+devil&#8217;s workshop. Marie might be polite
+to the young man, but she must keep her
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_85' name='page_85'></a>85</span>
+side of the road and see that there was
+always plenty of room between them.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;He&#8217;s so hateful,&#8217; Marie said of her
+grandfather. &#8216;He made such a fuss about
+our getting a crest that we&#8217;ve a perfect
+right to! Mama had to give it up.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;What! Do you mean to tell me that
+you have no crest!&#8217; I inquired, anxiously.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;We have one, but we cannot use it; our
+hands are tied,&#8217; was her sorrowful answer.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;I&#8217;m astonished. Why, everybody is
+going to have a crest in Pointview.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;The other day I suggested to Bridget
+Maloney, our pretty chambermaid, that
+she ought to have the Maloney crest on her
+letter-heads.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;&#8220;What&#8217;s that?&#8221; says Bridget.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;&#8220;What&#8217;s that!&#8221; I said, with a look of
+pity.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Then I showed her a letter from Mrs.
+Van Alstyne, with a lion and a griffin
+cuffing each other black and blue at the
+top of the sheet.</p>
+<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_86' name='page_86'></a>86</span></div>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;&#8220;It&#8217;s grand!&#8221; said she.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;&#8220;It&#8217;s the Van Alstyne crest,&#8221; I said.
+&#8220;It&#8217;s a proof of respectability. Aren&#8217;t you as
+good as they are?&#8221;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;&#8220;Every bit!&#8221; said she.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;&#8220;That&#8217;s what I thought. Don&#8217;t you
+often feel as if you were better than a good
+many people you know?&#8221;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;&#8220;Sure I do.&#8221;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;&#8220;Well, that&#8217;s a sign that you&#8217;re blue-blooded,&#8221;
+said I. &#8220;Probably you&#8217;ve got
+a king in your family somewhere. A
+crest shows that you suspect your ancestors&ndash;&ndash;nothing
+more than that. It isn&#8217;t
+proof, so there&#8217;s no reason why you shouldn&#8217;t
+have it. You ought not to be going around
+without a crest, as if you were a common
+servant-girl. Why, every kitchen-maid will
+be thinking she&#8217;s as good as you are. You
+want to be in style. You have money in
+the bank, and not half the people who have
+crests are as well able to afford &#8217;em.&#8221;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;&#8220;How much do they cost?&#8221;</p>
+<div class='figtag'>
+<a name='linki_4' id='linki_4'></a>
+</div>
+<div class='figcenter'>
+<img src='images/illus-086.jpg' alt='' title='' width='436' height='633' /><br />
+<p class='caption'>
+&#8220;&#8216;IT&#8217;S THE VAN ALSTYNE CREST,&#8217; I SAID. &#8216;IT&#8217;S A PROOF OF RESPECTABILITY.&#8217;&#8221;<br />
+</p>
+</div>
+<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_87' name='page_87'></a>87</span></div>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;&#8220;Nothing&ndash;&ndash;at least, yours&#8217;ll cost nothing,
+Bridget. I shall be glad to buy one
+for you.&#8221;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;The simple girl thanked me, and I
+found the Maloney crest for her, and had
+the plate made and neatly engraved on
+a hundred sheets of paper.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Next week the Pointview <i>Advocate</i>
+will print this item: &#8220;Miss Bridget Maloney,
+the genial chambermaid of Mrs.
+Socrates Potter, uses the Maloney crest
+on her letter-heads. She is said to be a
+lineal descendant of his Grace Bryan
+Maloney, one of the early dukes of Ireland.&#8221;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Bridget is haughty, well-mannered, and
+a neat dresser. She&#8217;s a pace-maker in
+her set. Even the high-headed servants
+of Warburton House imitate her hats and
+gowns.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Yesterday Katie O&#8217;Neil, one of Mrs.
+Warburton&#8217;s maids, came to me for information
+as to the heraldry of her house.
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_88' name='page_88'></a>88</span>
+I found a crest for Katie; and then came
+Mary Maginness; and Bertha Schimpfelheim,
+the daughter of a real German
+count; and one August Bernheimer, a young
+barber of baronial blood; and Pietro Cantaveri,
+our prosperous bootblack, who was
+the grandson of an Italian countess; and
+so it goes, and soon all the high-born servers
+of Pointview will be supplied with armorial
+bearings.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;These claims to distinction shall be
+soberly chronicled in the <i>Advocate</i>. Not
+one is to be overlooked or treated with
+any lack of respect. On the contrary,
+the whole thing will be exploited with
+a proper sense of awe.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;Marie laughed.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Wait till I tell mama,&#8217; she said. &#8216;It&#8217;s
+lucky you told me. It&#8217;s saved us. I guess
+grandfather was right about that.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;And he&#8217;s right about Harry, too,&#8217; I said.
+&#8216;But don&#8217;t despair; I&#8217;m trying to put a new
+mainspring in the boy. If I succeed, your
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_89' name='page_89'></a>89</span>
+grandfather may have to change his
+mind.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;She went away comforted, but not
+happy.</p>
+<p>&#8220;Well, I went on with the crest campaign.
+Bertha, Pietro, and the others got their
+crests and saw their names in the paper.</p>
+<p>&#8220;The supply of crests was soon perfectly
+adequate, and among our best people the
+demand for them began to diminish, and
+suddenly ceased. The beast rampant and
+couchant, the helmet and the battle-ax,
+associated only with mixed tenses and misplaced
+capitals according to their ancient
+habit. This chambermaid grammar was
+referred to by my friend, Dr. Guph, as the
+&#8216;battle-ax brand&#8217;&ndash;&ndash;a designation of some
+merit. Expensive stationery fell into the
+fireplaces of Pointview, and armorial plates
+were found in the garbage. The family
+trees of the village were deserted. Not a
+bird twittered in their branches. The subject
+of genealogy was buried in deep silence,
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_90' name='page_90'></a>90</span>
+save when the irreverent referred to some
+late addition to our new aristocracy.</p>
+<p>&#8220;Now I want to make it clear that we
+have no disrespect for the customs of any
+foreign land. If I were living in a foreign
+land and needed evidence of my respectability,
+I&#8217;d have a crest, if it was likely to
+prove my case. But America was founded
+by the sons of the yeomen, and the yeomen
+established their respectability with other
+evidence. Their brains were so often touched
+by the battle-ax that some of us have an
+hereditary shyness about the head, and we
+dodge at every baronial relic.&#8221;</p>
+<hr class='toprule' />
+<div class='chsp'>
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_91' name='page_91'></a>91</span>
+<a name='IX_IN_WHICH_SOCRATES_INCREASES_THE_SUPPLY_OF_SPLENDOR' id='IX_IN_WHICH_SOCRATES_INCREASES_THE_SUPPLY_OF_SPLENDOR'></a>
+<h2>IX</h2>
+<h3>IN WHICH SOCRATES INCREASES THE SUPPLY OF SPLENDOR</h3>
+</div>
+<p>&#8220;In due time the Society of Useful Women
+met at our house, and I was invited to
+make a few remarks, and said in effect:</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;We are trying to correct the evil of
+extravagant display in America, and first
+I ask you to consider the cause of it. We
+find it in the ancient law of supply and demand.
+The reason that women love to
+array themselves in silk and laces and
+jewels and picture-hats and plumes of
+culture and sunbursts of genealogy lies in
+the fact that the supply of these things has
+generally been limited. Their cost is so
+high, therefore, that few can afford them,
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_92' name='page_92'></a>92</span>
+and those who wear them are distinguished
+from the common herd. This matter of
+buying distinction is the cause of our
+trouble. Now I propose that we increase
+the supply of jewels, silks, laces, picture-hats,
+and ancestors in Pointview&ndash;&ndash;that we
+bring them within the reach of all, and aim
+a death-blow at the distinction to be obtained
+by displaying them. There isn&#8217;t a
+servant-girl in this community who doesn&#8217;t
+pant for luxuries. Why shouldn&#8217;t she?
+I move that we have a committee to consider
+this inadequate supply of luxuries,
+with the power to increase the same at its
+own expense.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;I was appointed chairman of that committee,
+and went to work, with Betsey and
+Mrs. Warburton as coadjutors.</p>
+<p>&#8220;We stocked a store with clever imitations
+of silks, satins, and old lace, and the
+best assortment of Brummagem jewelry
+that could be raked together. We had a
+great show-case full of glittering paste&ndash;&ndash;bracelets,
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_93' name='page_93'></a>93</span>
+tiaras, coronets, sunbursts, dog-collars,
+rings, necklaces&ndash;&ndash;all extremely modish
+and so handsome that they would have
+deceived any but trained eyes. Our pearls
+and sapphires were especially attractive.
+We hired a skilled dressmaker, familiar
+with the latest modes, and a milliner who
+could imitate the most stunning hats on
+Fifth Avenue at reasonable prices. Every
+servant in good standing in our community
+was permitted to come and see and buy and
+say &#8216;Charge it.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;Mrs. Warburton&#8217;s ball for the servants
+of Pointview, to be given in the Town Hall,
+was coming near. It happened that the
+committee of arrangements included Marie
+and the young Reverend Robert Knowles.
+Their intimacy began in the work of that
+committee. For days they rode about in
+the minister&#8217;s motor-car getting ready for
+the ball and for the greater intimacy that
+followed it.</p>
+<p>&#8220;Our ball sent its radiance over land and
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_94' name='page_94'></a>94</span>
+sea. Sunbursts shone like stars in the Milky
+Way. A fine orchestra furnished music.
+Reporters from New York and other cities
+were present.</p>
+<p>&#8220;The nurses, cooks, kitchen-girls, laundresses,
+and chambermaids of Pointview
+were radiant in silk, lace, diamonds, pearls,
+and rubies. The costumes were brilliant,
+but all in good taste. Alabaster? Why,
+my dear boy, they would have made the
+swell set resemble a convention of beanpoles.
+For the matter of busts, they busted
+the record!</p>
+<p>&#8220;The only mishap occurred when Bertha
+Schimpfelheim&ndash;&ndash;some call her Big Bertha&ndash;&ndash;slipped
+and fell in a waltz, injuring the
+knee of her companion. To my surprise
+the brainiest of these working-folk saw the
+satire in which they were taking part, and
+entered into it with all the more spirit
+because they knew.</p>
+<div class='figtag'>
+<a name='linki_5' id='linki_5'></a>
+</div>
+<div class='figcenter'>
+<img src='images/illus-094.jpg' alt='' title='' width='542' height='431' /><br />
+<p class='caption'>
+&#8220;RADIANT IN SILK, LACE, DIAMONDS, PEARLS, AND RUBIES&#8221;<br />
+</p>
+</div>
+<p>&#8220;The presence of Mr. Warburton, Mr.
+and Mrs. Delance, Marie, and the Reverend
+Robert Knowles on the floor insured proper
+decorum and lent an air of seriousness to
+the event. It proved an effective background
+for Marie. She shone like a pigeon-blood
+ruby among garnets. She wore no
+jewels, and was distinguished only by her
+beauty and the simplicity of her costume
+and the unmistakable evidence of good
+breeding in her face and manners.</p>
+<p>&#8220;Harry sat with me in the gallery.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;She&#8217;s wonderful!&#8217; he exclaimed. &#8216;All
+this rococo ware simply emphasizes her
+charm. Only a girl of brains could carry
+it off as she does. She&#8217;s among them and
+yet apart. An old duke once told me that
+if you want to know the rank of a lady, observe
+how she treats an inferior. It&#8217;s quite
+true. By Jove! I&#8217;m in love with Marie, and
+I&#8217;m going to make her my wife if possible.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;That&#8217;s one really substantial result
+of the ball,&#8217; I said.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Do you think that she cares for Knowles&ndash;&ndash;that
+minister chap?&#8217;&#8221;</p>
+<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_95' name='page_95'></a>95</span></div>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;I&#8217;m inclined to think that she likes you
+better,&#8217; I said.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Is your inclination encouraged by
+evidence?&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;That query I must decline to answer,&#8217;
+said I.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Well, you know, I&#8217;m not going to be
+long in doubt,&#8217; the boy declared, as he left
+me.</p>
+<p>&#8220;The event was an epoch-maker. Long
+reports of it appeared in the daily press
+and traveled far in a surge of thoughtful
+merriment. For instance: &#8216;Miss Mary
+Maginness, the accomplished lady-in-waiting
+of Mrs. William Warburton, of Warburton
+House, wore a coronet and a dog-collar
+of diamonds above a costume of white
+brocaded satin, trimmed with old duchesse
+lace and gold ornaments. Miss Maginness
+is a lineal descendant of Lord Rawdon
+Maginness, of Cork, who early in the seventeenth
+century commanded an army that
+drove the Italians out of Ireland.&#8217;</p>
+<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_96' name='page_96'></a>96</span></div>
+<p>&#8220;And so it went, with column after
+column of glittering detail. Since then
+the servants have enjoyed a monopoly in
+splendor&ndash;&ndash;it&#8217;s been a kind of Standard
+Jewel Company, and certain rich men have
+boasted in my presence that they haven&#8217;t a
+jewel in their houses; and one added with
+quite unneeded emphasis: &#8216;Not a measly
+jewel. My wife says that they suggest
+dish-water and aprons.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;It is too funny!&#8217; said Mrs. Warburton.
+&#8216;You know those jewels at the ball were
+quite as real as many that are worn by
+ladies of fashion. Most rich women who
+want to save themselves worry keep their
+jewels in the strong-box and wear replicas
+of paste and composition.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;The instalment jeweler has gone out
+of business, and half a dozen servant-girls
+have refused to make further payments
+on their solitaires and returned
+them.</p>
+<p>&#8220;One singular thing happened. Nearly
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_97' name='page_97'></a>97</span>
+all those servants paid their bills to our
+store, and we closed out with an unexpected
+profit, while a number of stores who charged
+their goods to the noble band of employers
+have stopped for need of money.&#8221;</p>
+<hr class='toprule' />
+<div class='chsp'>
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_98' name='page_98'></a>98</span>
+<a name='X_IN_WHICH_SOCRATES_BREAKS_THE_DRAG_AND_TANDEM_MONOPOLY_IN_POINTVIEW' id='X_IN_WHICH_SOCRATES_BREAKS_THE_DRAG_AND_TANDEM_MONOPOLY_IN_POINTVIEW'></a>
+<h2>X</h2>
+<h3>IN WHICH SOCRATES BREAKS THE DRAG AND TANDEM MONOPOLY IN POINTVIEW</h3>
+</div>
+<p>&#8220;Harry&#8217;s father came often for a smoke
+and talk with me after dinner, and his
+favorite subject was Harry. As a subject
+of conversation, Harry was more successful
+than the average crime. In this respect
+he resembled a divorce or a murder. That&#8217;s
+how it happened that Harry got on my
+mind. He is one of the most skilful riders
+of the human mind that I know of. He was
+wearing us out, and we were all bucking to
+get him off. Well, his father was thinking
+about him while I was thinking about the
+rest of Pointview. It was another case of
+Rome and C&aelig;sar. Harry&#8217;s last achievement
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_99' name='page_99'></a>99</span>
+was to accuse his father of being the
+fossiliferous remnant of an ancient time.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;The truth is, Harry hasn&#8217;t enough
+competition in his line,&#8217; I suggested, one
+evening. &#8216;The other boys are doing well,
+but they don&#8217;t keep up with him.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;You know after I left college, in my
+youth, I spent a couple of years in Wyoming.
+Well, Mary Ann Crowder was the
+only single lady within a hundred miles,
+and she was the most obstreperous damn
+critter that I ever saw. She had a monopoly
+an&#8217; knew it, an&#8217; wasn&#8217;t decently polite.
+Put on more style than a nigger at a cakewalk.
+Though she had red hair an&#8217; only
+one eye, some of the boys used to ride sixty
+miles for a visit with her. Then they had
+to swim the Snake River and maybe wrestle
+with a tame bear that was loose in the dooryard.
+By and by a man with two unmarried
+daughters moved on to a ranch
+near us, and then Mary Ann began to be
+polite. She suddenly became a human
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_100' name='page_100'></a>100</span>
+being, an&#8217; killed the bear, an&#8217; moved across
+the river an&#8217; married the first man that
+proposed, and lived happily ever after.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;What we need here is another drag
+and tandem.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Get what you need, and I&#8217;ll pay the
+bills,&#8217; said Harry&#8217;s father.</p>
+<p>&#8220;So I went to a sale in New York, bought
+my drag and tandem-cart, and had them
+shipped to Pointview. Our local sign-painter
+put a crest or, rather, a kind of
+royal hatchment, on the panels of both.
+Then I sold them for next to nothing to a
+local livery on conditions. Its new owner
+agreed to use the drag for chowder-parties,
+and to break the worst-looking nags in his
+stable to drive tandem on the cart.</p>
+<p>&#8220;Tommy Ruggles, a smart-looking knight
+of the currycomb, whose first name was a
+kitchen word in Pointview, sprang to my
+assistance. He had curly hair, and a good
+deal of natural cuteness, and was, moreover,
+&#8216;a divvle with the girls.&#8217; He contracted
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_101' name='page_101'></a>101</span>
+with me to take a selected list of
+female servants for an airing in the tandem-cart.
+He was to get a royalty of five dollars
+a head on every servant that was properly
+aired, with a small premium on red ones.</p>
+<p>&#8220;He began with Big Bertha, our worthy
+German countess. Tommy had a playful
+humor, and cracked his long whip over the
+rough-harnessed nags and merrily tooted
+his horn as the rig lumbered along through
+the main streets of our village. Many
+laughed and many wondered, while an army
+of noisy kids followed and hung on behind.</p>
+<p>&#8220;Tommy got his second girl, who was
+hit on the head with a ripe tomato, and
+then it was all over. The girls wouldn&#8217;t
+stand for it. The sport had become too
+exciting. Tommy told me how he had invited
+Bridget Maloney, and she had said:
+&#8216;Na-a-ah! Do yez take me for an idiot?
+Sure every rotten egg in the town would
+be jumpin&#8217; at me.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;It suggested an idea. As the imitation
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_102' name='page_102'></a>102</span>
+idiots had given out, we would try the real
+thing. So I &#8217;phoned the manager of our
+thriving idiot asylum on the Post Road
+and arranged to have Tommy take one of
+his patients every day for a drive in the
+cart. Why shouldn&#8217;t all the idiots enjoy
+themselves? Fresh air would be good for
+them. It would turn the cart into a charity
+which would cover a part of my sins. I
+asked for the better class of idiots&ndash;&ndash;the
+quiet ones, who had sense enough to appreciate
+a good thing. The parade began
+and continued day after day.</p>
+<p>&#8220;Harry had retired his tandem after
+Tom, with a stiff-backed idiot by his side,
+had clattered after him through the village
+behind the two spavined nags to the amusement
+of many people. He had kept up
+with Harry.</p>
+<p>&#8220;Soon that kind of a rig was known as the
+Idiot Wagon. Then Tommy resigned; it
+was more than he could stand. He said
+he was willing to do any honest work for
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_103' name='page_103'></a>103</span>
+money, but not that. He said that the
+idiots imagined themselves rich, and put
+on so much style that it made the whole
+thing ridiculous.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Never mind&ndash;&ndash;it&#8217;s the habit of idiots,&#8217;
+I said.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;One of &#8217;em thinks he&#8217;s Napoleon
+Bonaparte, an&#8217; calls me his man, and wears
+a plug hat and sits as straight as a ramrod,
+and bows to the people when they laugh
+at him,&#8217; said Tommy. &#8216;Some of &#8217;em get
+stuck on the cart, and it&#8217;s a fight to get &#8217;em
+out of it. I tell ye, I&#8217;m sick o&#8217; the job.
+The sight o&#8217; that cart makes me feel
+nutty.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Never mind, Tom,&#8217; I said; &#8216;you&#8217;ve
+been a public benefactor, and you and the
+cart are entitled to an honorable discharge.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;Every bright day the drag was tooling
+over the road with picnic-parties on their
+way to one of the popular beaches. Our
+local lodges and political clubs, and now
+and then a load of Italians, were able to
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_104' name='page_104'></a>104</span>
+enjoy the luxury which had been the exclusive
+delight of Harry and the fluffy
+maidens of Pointview.</p>
+<p>&#8220;Drags an&#8217; tandems are all right if you
+don&#8217;t go too far with &#8217;em. We were just
+in time to prevent them from becoming
+tools of degeneration in our village.&#8221;</p>
+<hr class='toprule' />
+<div class='chsp'>
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_105' name='page_105'></a>105</span>
+<a name='XI_IN_WHICH_SUNDRY_PEOPLE_MAKE_GREAT_DISCOVERIES' id='XI_IN_WHICH_SUNDRY_PEOPLE_MAKE_GREAT_DISCOVERIES'></a>
+<h2>XI</h2>
+<h3>IN WHICH SUNDRY PEOPLE MAKE GREAT DISCOVERIES</h3>
+</div>
+<p>&#8220;There were many private panics in
+Pointview. It was my privilege to
+observe, under calm exteriors, a raging fever
+of excitement&ndash;&ndash;characters going bankrupt,
+collectors wandering in a fruitless quest.
+One little rill that flowed into the swift
+river of national trouble issued from the
+bosom of my clerk, Mr. &#8216;Cub&#8217; Sayles.
+It had been one of the most placid bosoms
+in Pointview. Now it was in the midst
+of what I have since referred to as the
+&#8216;Violet and Supper Panic of 1907.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;Cub was a quiet, hard-working, serious-minded
+boy whose mother moved in the
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_106' name='page_106'></a>106</span>
+higher circles of Boston. He had a low,
+pleasant voice, a touch of Harry&#8217;s dialect,
+and a sad face. He had asked for a higher
+salary, and I had asked for information.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;You see every time I go to call on my
+girl I have to take a bunch of violets or a
+two-pound box of candy,&#8217; he said. &#8216;Then
+if we go to the theater her chaperon has
+to be with us&ndash;&ndash;don&#8217;t you know? She&#8217;s
+a stout lady who complains of faintness
+before the play ends, and I have to ask
+them out to supper. Then I am always
+greatly alarmed, for you never can tell what
+will happen, sir, with two ladies at supper
+and only twenty dollars in your pocket,
+and both ladies fond of game and crab-meat.
+It&#8217;s really very trying. I sit and tremble as
+I watch them, and go home with only a
+feeble remnant of my salary, and next day
+I have to pawn my diamond ring.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;All that isn&#8217;t honest,&#8217; I said. &#8216;You&#8217;re
+getting her favor under false pretenses.
+You&#8217;re trying to make her believe that you
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_107' name='page_107'></a>107</span>
+are a sort of aristocrat with lots of money.
+Why don&#8217;t you tell her the truth&ndash;&ndash;that you
+can&#8217;t afford violets, that the two-pound
+box is a burden that is breaking your back,
+and that every theater-supper sends you
+to the pawnbroker&#8217;s?&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;I can&#8217;t&ndash;&ndash;she would throw me over,&#8217;
+he explained. &#8216;The girls expect those
+things. They like to show and talk about
+them&ndash;&ndash;don&#8217;t you know? It&#8217;s the fashion.
+Our best young men do it, sir.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Well, if you are willing to give up your
+honor for a lady&#8217;s smile you won&#8217;t do for
+me,&#8217; I said. &#8216;You must not only tell the
+truth, but live it. You must be just what
+you are&ndash;&ndash;a poor boy working for twenty
+dollars a week. If the girl doesn&#8217;t like
+it she&#8217;s unfit to associate with honest
+men. If you don&#8217;t like it I don&#8217;t like
+you.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;Perspiration had begun to dampen the
+brow of Cub.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;I&ndash;&ndash;I hadn&#8217;t seen it in that light, sir,&#8217;
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_108' name='page_108'></a>108</span>
+he said. &#8216;But what am I to do, sir? I am
+heavily indebted to my tailor.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;What! Haven&#8217;t you paid for those
+lovely garments?&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;I had them charged, sir,&#8217; Cub sadly
+answered. &#8216;My mother sent me a hundred
+dollars to pay for them, but I loaned it to
+Roger Daniels. I should be much obliged,
+sir, if you would collect it for me.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;I went to Roger and made him pay the
+debt. He paid it in a curious way&ndash;&ndash;by going
+to his tailor and buying a hundred
+dollars&#8217; worth of clothes for Cub and having
+them charged. It was compounding
+a felony, but my client was satisfied and
+Roger was grateful. He began to have some
+regard for me. Not every lawyer had been
+able to make him pay. Within a day or
+so he came to consult me about a mortgage
+on his patrimony.</p>
+<p>&#8220;Roger had married and settled down
+immediately after his remarkable cruise.
+He had kept his party in ignorance of his
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_109' name='page_109'></a>109</span>
+financial troubles and returned with his reputation
+as an aristocrat firmly established.
+The gay young Bessie Runnymede had
+accepted him at once. He had become
+junior partner in a firm of brokers and had
+rented a handsome residence in Pointview.</p>
+<p>&#8220;So they began their little play with
+ladies, lords, and gentlemen in the cast, and
+with a country-house, a tandem, a crested
+limousine, and a racing launch for scenery.
+But Roger had what is known as a bad
+season. Well, you know, the moving-picture
+shows had got such a hold on the
+public.</p>
+<p>&#8220;At first we concluded that he must
+have made another lucky play in the market.
+Then, after six months or so, bills against
+Roger began to arrive for collection from
+sundry department stores in the city. He
+was a good fellow and had plausible excuses,
+and I declined to press payment and returned
+the bills.</p>
+<p>&#8220;One day, some eight months after the
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_110' name='page_110'></a>110</span>
+wedding, an urgent telegram from Roger
+brought me to New York. I found the
+young man in his office, with his wife at his
+side. They were both in tears. I sat down
+with them, and he told me this story:</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;The fact is, I&#8217;m a thief,&#8217; he began.
+&#8216;I have confessed the truth to my partners.
+Since my marriage I have taken about
+twenty thousand dollars&ndash;&ndash;needed every
+cent of it to keep going. The fact is, I
+expected to make a killing in the market
+and return the money&ndash;&ndash;had inside information&ndash;&ndash;but
+everything went wrong. Yesterday
+I was cleaned out.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;I went home late in the evening. I
+hoped that my wife would be in bed, but
+she was waiting for me. She said that
+I looked sick, and wanted to know what was
+the matter. I told her that I had a headache,
+and got into bed as soon as possible;
+but I couldn&#8217;t sleep. Long after midnight
+my wife rose and turned on the light and
+came to my bed and said that she knew I
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_111' name='page_111'></a>111</span>
+was troubled about something&ndash;&ndash;that she
+had seen it in my face for weeks. She
+begged that I would let her help me bear it.
+Then I told her the truth, and discovered&ndash;&ndash;for
+I didn&#8217;t know her before&ndash;&ndash;one of the
+noblest women in the world. She hid her
+face in the pillow, and then I had a bad
+moment.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;&#8220;Why did you do it?&#8221; she asked as soon
+as she could speak.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;And I said: &#8220;We&#8217;ve been foolish&ndash;&ndash;trying
+to keep up with Harry and the rest
+of them. It was my fault. I ought to
+have told you that I couldn&#8217;t go the
+pace.&#8221;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;She saw the truth in a flash, and the
+old-fashioned woman in her got to work.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;&#8220;Roger, get up and dress yourself,&#8221;
+said she. &#8220;We will go and see your partners
+to-night. We will go together, for I am as
+guilty as you. We will tell them the truth
+and beg for time. Maybe we can get the
+money.&#8221;</p>
+<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_112' name='page_112'></a>112</span></div>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;We started in our motor-car about one
+o&#8217;clock for the city, on dark and muddy
+roads. Some ten miles out we broke an
+axle and left car and driver and went on
+afoot. My wife wouldn&#8217;t wait. No trains
+were running. But we could get a trolley
+five miles down the road. So we went on
+in the dark and silence. I put my arm
+around her, and not a word passed between
+us for an hour or so. I don&#8217;t know what she
+was thinking of, but I was trying to count
+my follies. It began to rain, and I felt
+sorry for Bess, and took off my coat and
+threw it over her.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;&#8220;I don&#8217;t mind the rain,&#8221; she said. &#8220;It
+will cool me.&#8221;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;We were a sight when we got to the
+trolley, and just before daylight we rang
+the bell of the senior partner. Our weariness
+and muddy shoes and rain-soaked garments
+were a help to us. They touched his heart,
+sir. Anyhow, he gave me a week of grace
+in which to make good. I must get the
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_113' name='page_113'></a>113</span>
+money somehow, and I want your advice
+about it.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;I&#8217;m glad of one part of it all,&#8217; I said&ndash;&ndash;&#8216;that
+you have discovered each other and
+learned that you are human beings of a
+pretty good sort. I&#8217;ve much more respect
+for both of you than I ever had before.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;He looked at me in surprise.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Oh, you are a better man than you were
+three months ago!&#8217; I answered him. &#8216;You
+happen to have run against the law, and it&#8217;s
+shocked and frightened you. But you are
+improving. Long ago you began to incur
+debts which you couldn&#8217;t pay, and you must
+have known that you couldn&#8217;t pay them.
+In that manner you became possessed of
+a large sum of money belonging to other
+people. It was used not for necessities,
+but to maintain a foolish display. That is
+the most heartless kind of fraud. I&#8217;ve
+much more respect for you now that you
+see your fault and confess it. I&#8217;m convinced
+now that you have a conscience,
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_114' name='page_114'></a>114</span>
+and that you will be likely to make some use
+of it in the future. I&#8217;m particularly grateful
+to your wife. She has shown me that
+she is just a woman, and not an angel. I
+don&#8217;t believe that it was at all necessary for
+you to have groveled in aristocratic crimes
+in order to win her heart. The yacht cruise
+and the tandem and the violets and the
+Fifth Avenue clothes and the ton of candy
+were quite superfluous. You needed only
+to tell her the truth, like a man, and say
+that you loved her.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;It is true, Roger,&#8217; said the girl as she
+broke down again.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;I did it all to please you, dear,&#8217; the boy
+answered, in his effort to comfort her.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;And it did please me,&#8217; she said, brokenly,
+&#8216;but I know that I should have been
+better pleased if&ndash;&ndash;&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;She hesitated, and I expressed her
+thought for her:</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;If he had centralized on manhood.
+There is something sweeter than violets
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_115' name='page_115'></a>115</span>
+and grander than fine raiment in a sort of
+character that a boy should offer to the
+girl he loves.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;They were both convinced. It was
+easy to see that now, and I promised to do
+what I could for them.</p>
+<p>&#8220;I got a schedule of the young man&#8217;s
+debts and found that he owed, among other
+debts, six thousand dollars to sundry shops
+and department stores in New York&ndash;&ndash;the
+purchases of his wife in the eight months
+of their wedded life. I asked her how it
+could have happened.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;He opened accounts for me and said
+I could buy what I wanted, and you know
+it is so easy to say &#8220;Charge it,&#8217;&#8221; was her
+answer. &#8216;Every one has accounts these
+days, and they tempt you to buy more
+than you need.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;It is true. Credit is the latest ally of
+the devil. It is the great tempter. It is
+responsible for half the extravagance of
+modern life. The two words &#8216;charge it&#8217;
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_116' name='page_116'></a>116</span>
+have done more harm than any others in
+the language. They have led to a vast
+amount of unnecessary buying. They have
+developed a talent for extravagance in our
+people. They have created a large and
+growing sisterhood and brotherhood of
+dead-beats. They have led to bankruptcy
+and slow pay and bad debts. They have
+raised the cost of everything we require
+because the tradesman compels us to pay
+his uncollected accounts. They are added
+to your bills and mine, and the merchant
+prince suffers no impairment of his fortune.</p>
+<p>&#8220;Bessie&#8217;s bank-account was also overdrawn.
+That reminds me of a new sinner&ndash;&ndash;the
+bank-check. It is so easy to draw a
+check&ndash;&ndash;and, then, somehow, it&#8217;s only a piece
+of paper. You let it go without a pang while
+you would be very thoughtful if you were
+counting out the money and parting with it.</p>
+<p>&#8220;The check is another way of saying
+&#8216;Charge it.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;That evening I went to see Harry.&#8221;</p>
+<hr class='toprule' />
+<div class='chsp'>
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_117' name='page_117'></a>117</span>
+<a name='XII_IN_WHICH_HARRY_IS_FORCED_TO_ABANDON_SWAMP_FICTION_AND_LIKE_FOLLIES_AND_TO_STUDY_THE_GEOGRAPHY_AND_NATIVES_OF_A_LAND_UNKNOWN_TO_OUR_HEIRISTOCRACY' id='XII_IN_WHICH_HARRY_IS_FORCED_TO_ABANDON_SWAMP_FICTION_AND_LIKE_FOLLIES_AND_TO_STUDY_THE_GEOGRAPHY_AND_NATIVES_OF_A_LAND_UNKNOWN_TO_OUR_HEIRISTOCRACY'></a>
+<h2>XII</h2>
+<h3>IN WHICH HARRY IS FORCED TO ABANDON SWAMP FICTION AND LIKE FOLLIES AND TO STUDY THE GEOGRAPHY AND NATIVES OF A LAND UNKNOWN TO OUR HEIRISTOCRACY</h3>
+</div>
+<p>&#8220;I found Harry smoking with Cub
+Sayles in his den above stairs in the big
+country-house of Henry Delance. As I
+entered Harry said to his young friend:</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;I have to talk over some things with
+Mr. Potter&ndash;&ndash;would you mind going down
+to the library?&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;Cub withdrew, and Harry sat down with
+me.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;I suppose you&#8217;ve seen him?&#8217; he asked,
+nervously.</p>
+<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_118' name='page_118'></a>118</span></div>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Whom?&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Why, you know a mysterious stranger
+has been looking for me and&ndash;&ndash;by Jove!&ndash;&ndash;I&#8217;m
+scared stiff. He&#8217;s an Englishman.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;What of that?&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Let me show you,&#8217; said Harry.</p>
+<p>&#8220;He took a key from his pocket, unlocked
+a door, and fetched the familiar skull of
+the Bishop of St. Clare and put it on the
+table before me.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;It&#8217;s that damn Bishop&#8217;s head,&#8217; he whispered.
+&#8216;It has come back&ndash;&ndash;would you
+believe it?&ndash;&ndash;picked up by a fisherman on
+the Irish coast and returned to the express
+office in London. All the old directions
+were quite legible on the box. &#8220;To Harry
+Delance, SS. <i>Lusitania</i>. If not found, forward
+to Pointview, Conn., U.S.A., charges
+collect!&#8221; So it came on. I received a
+notice and went down and got it out of
+bond and paid three pounds, and here it is.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;It looks as if the Bishop was out for
+revenge,&#8217; I said, with a laugh.</p>
+<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_119' name='page_119'></a>119</span></div>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;He&#8217;s got on my nerves and my conscience,&#8217;
+said Harry. &#8216;By Jove! he haunts
+me. When I heard of this mysterious
+Englishman to-day I got a chill.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;You go buy yourself a small shovel
+and a pocket light to-morrow,&#8217; I suggested,
+and at night go back in the hills with the
+Bishop&#8217;s head and bury it.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;And if I get into trouble I want you
+to take care of me.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;I made no answer. It didn&#8217;t seem
+necessary, but I said: &#8216;There&#8217;s another
+matter of which I have come to talk with
+you. Our friend Roger is in trouble.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;I told him the story of Roger&#8217;s downfall.
+It got under his vest, and I added:
+&#8216;Now, Harry, it&#8217;s up to you to indulge in
+some more philanthropy. You ought to
+help him.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;What&ndash;&ndash;what can I do?&#8217; he asked in
+amazement.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Lend him the money&ndash;&ndash;twenty thousand
+dollars. It isn&#8217;t all that the public
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_120' name='page_120'></a>120</span>
+will charge against you on Roger&#8217;s account,
+but it will do.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Harry sank in his chair and threw up
+his hands as if grasping for a straw.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;It&#8217;s my whole allowance for the year,&#8217; he
+said, &#8216;and I couldn&#8217;t appeal to the Governor.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Nevertheless you ought to do it, for
+Roger told me that it was your pace that
+brought him where he is.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;What an ass!&#8217; Harry exclaimed, and
+the old Bishop seemed to indorse his view.
+&#8216;By the blue beard of the Caliph, what am
+I to do?&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Pay it,&#8217; I insisted.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Pay it and die,&#8217; he groaned. &#8216;I shall
+have to do it somehow, but this kind of
+thing is grinding me.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;You can go to my ranch in Wyoming
+and live on nothing for six months,&#8217; I said.
+&#8216;When you get back I&#8217;ll lend you enough
+to tide you over!</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;I&#8217;ll do it,&#8217; he said, as if it were the very
+straw he had been reaching for.</p>
+<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_121' name='page_121'></a>121</span></div>
+<p>&#8220;Then he began to tell me of other
+troubles. Marie had been decidedly cool
+to Harry at the servants&#8217; ball. Then he
+had met her on the street, and she had
+barely noticed him and hurried away, with
+the young Reverend Robert Knowles at
+her side. Harry was, fortunately, going
+slow, but he had received internal injuries
+and was suffering from shock.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;The old man is at the bottom of it,&#8217;
+I explained. &#8216;You gave him a dose from
+the wrong bottle. It p&#8217;isoned him.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;By Jove! What a prude he is!&#8217; said
+Harry. &#8216;Upon my word that is one of the
+noblest books I ever read&ndash;&ndash;contains a
+great lesson, don&#8217;t you know? It takes
+you straight to the heights.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Too straight,&#8217; I said. &#8216;It turns out
+for nothing. It crosses a morass to avoid
+going around. When you reach the high
+ground you are covered with mud and
+slime. You need to be washed and disinfected,
+and perhaps you&#8217;ve caught a
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_122' name='page_122'></a>122</span>
+fever that will last as long as you live.
+Many a boy and girl have got mired in
+this swamp fiction that you enjoy so much.
+There are many of us who prefer to go
+around the swamp and keep on a decent
+footing even if it takes longer.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;We want to know all sides of life,&#8217; said
+Harry.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;And would you care to see the girl
+you loved studying life in a brothel?&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Well, really, you know, that&#8217;s different,&#8217;
+Harry stammered.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;But the fact is, her feet might as well
+be in a brothel as her brain,&#8217; I insisted.
+&#8216;She might shake the dust from her <i>feet</i>.
+Harry, there&#8217;s one side of life that you
+ought to study at once&ndash;&ndash;the American side.
+You&#8217;ve neglected the Western hemisphere
+in your studies. When can you start for
+the ranch?&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Day after to-morrow&ndash;&ndash;if you like.
+This place is a dreadful bore.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Good! I&#8217;ll attend to the tickets to-day,
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_123' name='page_123'></a>123</span>
+The cart, drag, and horses will be
+all the better for a vacation, and the eyes of
+the people are in need of rest.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;The whole outfit is going to be sold,&#8221;
+said Harry. &#8216;Idiots and the hoi polloi
+have quite ruined the sport here. The
+Governor is always poking fun at it, you
+know, and it has made me so weary! One
+can&#8217;t stand that kind of thing forever&ndash;&ndash;can
+he? I got after his helmet, battle-ax,
+and family tree, by Jove! Our crested
+chambermaids and bootblacks have been
+a great help to me. What a noble band of
+philanthropists! Father and I have made
+an agreement. He is going to chuck the
+battle-ax and saw the royal branches off
+our family tree and I am going to sell the
+drag, cart, and horses.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;That&#8217;s a great treaty,&#8217; I said. &#8216;The
+settlement of the Alaskan frontier is not
+more important than fixing the boundaries
+of our social life. Let us surrender the tools
+of idiocy; especially, let us abandon all
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_124' name='page_124'></a>124</span>
+claim to the helmet and battle-ax. They&#8217;re
+all right in their place, but they aren&#8217;t ours.
+The plowshare and the pruning-hook are
+our symbols.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;By Jove! you know, the old Bishop of
+St. Clare agrees with you exactly,&#8217; said
+Harry. &#8216;I&#8217;ve been reading his life and
+writings, which I picked up in London,
+and he&#8217;s about converted me to your way of
+thinking. He hated &#8220;the glittering idleness&#8221;
+of the rich and put industry above
+elegance.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;And he doesn&#8217;t intend that your
+education shall be neglected&ndash;&ndash;he&#8217;s looking
+after you.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;He&#8217;s as industrious as Destiny,&#8217; said
+the young man. &#8216;Did you know that Cub
+Sayles is engaged?&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;To whom?&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Mrs. Revere-Chalmers.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;God rest his soul!&#8217; I exclaimed.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;It&#8217;s just the thing for Cub,&#8217; said
+Harry. &#8216;He&#8217;s poor but presentable, and
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_125' name='page_125'></a>125</span>
+has many extravagant tastes. She&#8217;s quite
+a bit older than he, of course, but that isn&#8217;t
+unusual.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;I warned him long ago, knowing that
+his folly would undo him. Now he will be
+a captain of New Thought, King of the
+Flub Dubs, advertising manager of the
+Psychological Hair Factory, and inspector
+of pimples.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;But don&#8217;t you know that he will have
+everything that he desires?&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Except happiness.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Oh, I think that she is very fond of
+him!&#8217; said Harry. &#8216;She told me to-day
+that he is the only man she ever loved, and
+the dear old girl thinks that she won him
+by concentration.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;With this remark, made on the 20th of
+May, Harry dropped out of the history of
+Pointview until December.&#8221;</p>
+<hr class='toprule' />
+<div class='chsp'>
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_126' name='page_126'></a>126</span>
+<a name='XIII_IN_WHICH_THE_MINISTER_GETS_INTO_LOVE_AND_TROUBLE' id='XIII_IN_WHICH_THE_MINISTER_GETS_INTO_LOVE_AND_TROUBLE'></a>
+<h2>XIII</h2>
+<h3>IN WHICH THE MINISTER GETS INTO LOVE AND TROUBLE</h3>
+</div>
+<p>&#8220;Cub resigned his place in my office
+next day, and confessed his purpose,
+and I heard him with sober respect and
+tried in every proper way to save him. It
+wouldn&#8217;t work.</p>
+<p>&#8220;The lines of panic had left the face of
+Cub. The two-pound expression had departed
+from it. The faintness of chaperons
+would no longer imperil his comfort.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;A hundred and four pounds of candy
+and twenty suppers, and all for nothing!&#8217;
+I exclaimed. &#8216;You ruin a girl&#8217;s digestion
+and chuck her over. It isn&#8217;t fair.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;But, sir, I found that I didn&#8217;t love
+her,&#8217; said Cub.</p>
+<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_127' name='page_127'></a>127</span></div>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;What a waste of violets, confectionery,
+and crab-meat!&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Yes, sir, in a way; but you see I had
+to have my training in society,&#8217; Cub declared.</p>
+<p>&#8220;What was the use? Cub had no more
+humor than a sewing-machine.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;The wedding day drew on apace, and
+just before its arrival a notorious weekly
+in New York gave the lady a drubbing.
+Certain circumstances that made her first
+marriage unhappy were plainly hinted at.
+The town shuddered with amazement.
+Cub stood pat, but the Episcopal minister
+refused to marry them. The Baptist minister
+balked. It looked like a postponement,
+but the knot was tied, on schedule
+time, by the Reverend Robert Knowles.
+That made no end of talk, and a small
+party of insurgents left his church. Deacon
+Benson was on the point of pulling out, and
+swore so much about it that I advised him
+to hang on for his own sake.</p>
+<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_128' name='page_128'></a>128</span></div>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;But there ain&#8217;t much to hang on to,&#8217;
+said the Deacon.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Mrs. Revere-Chalmers-Sayles held a
+mortgage on the property of the Baptist
+Society of Pointview, and asked me to foreclose
+it.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;I have another mortgage on the Congregational
+church, and they&#8217;re behind
+in their interest, but I&#8217;m not going to push
+them,&#8217; she said to me.</p>
+<p>&#8220;So young Mr. Knowles had acted from
+motives of business prudence, and was not
+much at fault. The old church had ceased
+to live within its means and had entered
+the &#8216;charge it&#8217; van, and was trying to serve
+two masters.</p>
+<p>&#8220;Betsey and I paid both mortgages and
+threw them in the fire.</p>
+<p>&#8220;Young Mr. Knowles came to see us
+with Marie, and brought the thanks of the
+parish. They were a good-looking couple.</p>
+<p>&#8220;This minister of the First Congregational
+Church of Pointview now aspired
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_129' name='page_129'></a>129</span>
+to be the prime minister of its first heiress.
+Their acquaintance, which had begun in
+the arrangements for the servants&#8217; ball,
+had grown in warmth and intimacy as soon
+as Harry had gone. Robert began to take
+after Marie, with muffler open and all the
+gas on. He was a swell of a parson&ndash;&ndash;utterly
+damned with good-fortune. Had an income
+from the estate of his father, a call
+from on high, a crest from Charlemagne,
+diplomas from college and the seminary, a
+fine figure, red cheeks, and &#8216;heavenly eyes.&#8217;
+As to his fatal gift of beauty, the young
+ladies were of one mind. They agreed,
+also, about the cut of his garments, that
+were changed several times a day.</p>
+<p>&#8220;A dashing, masculine, head-punching
+spirit might have saved him with all his
+ballast, but he didn&#8217;t have it. The Reverend
+Robert was a good fellow to everybody&ndash;&ndash;a
+fairly sound-hearted, decent, handsome
+fellow, but not a man. To be that,
+one has to know things at first
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_130' name='page_130'></a>130</span>
+hand&ndash;&ndash;especially work and trouble. He was a
+second-hand, school-made thinker. His doctrines
+came out of the books, but his conduct
+was mildly modern. He danced and
+smoked a little, and played bridge and golf,
+and made his visits in a handsome motor-car.</p>
+<p>&#8220;Marie liked the young man, and she
+and her mother rode and tramped about
+with him almost every day of that summer.
+Deacon Joe showed signs of faintness when
+he spoke of him.</p>
+<p>&#8220;One day I went up to the Benson homestead
+and found the old man sitting on his
+piazza alone.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Where&#8217;s Marie?&#8217; I asked.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Off knocking around with the minister,&#8217;
+said Deacon Joe, in a voice frail with contempt.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;She might be in worse company,&#8217;
+I suggested.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Maybe,&#8217; he snapped.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;What&#8217;s the matter with the minister?&#8217;</p>
+<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_131' name='page_131'></a>131</span></div>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Nothing,&#8217; said the old man, with a
+chuckle. &#8216;He&#8217;s a complete gentleman, complete!
+So plaguy beautiful that he&#8217;s a kind
+of a girl&#8217;s plaything. He couldn&#8217;t milk a
+cow or dig a hill o&#8217; potatoes. Acts kind o&#8217;
+faint an&#8217; sickly to me.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;The Deacon thoughtfully stirred the
+roots of his beard with the fingers of his
+right hand, and went on with a squint and
+a feeble tone which he seemed to think
+best suited to his subject.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Talks so low you can hardly hear him.
+I have to set with my hand to my ear every
+Sunday to make out what he&#8217;s sayin&#8217;,
+an&#8217; he prays as if he had the lung fever.
+Talks o&#8217; hell as though it was a quart o&#8217;
+cold molasses. That&#8217;s one reason we ain&#8217;t
+no respect for it in this community. Ay&ndash;&ndash;&#8217;es!
+That&#8217;s the reason.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;He squinted his face thoughtfully and
+resumed with more energy.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;I like to hear a man get up on his
+hind legs and holler as they used to&ndash;&ndash;by
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_132' name='page_132'></a>132</span>
+gravy! Ye can&#8217;t scare anybody by whispers.
+Damn it, sir, what we need is an
+old-fashioned revival.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;The Deacon halted to take a chew of
+tobacco, and went on, with a sorrowful
+calmness:</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Now this young feller don&#8217;t want to
+give no credit to God&ndash;&ndash;not a bit&ndash;&ndash;no, sir!
+Science has done everything. I&#8217;ve noticed
+it time an&#8217; ag&#8217;in. T&#8217;other Sunday he said
+that an angel spoke to Moses, an&#8217; the Bible
+says, as plain as A B C, that God spoke to
+him. How can he expect that God is
+going to bless his ministry, an&#8217; he never
+givin&#8217; Him any credit?&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;It&#8217;s rather bad politics, anyhow,&#8217; I
+said.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;An&#8217; the church is goin&#8217; from bad to
+worse,&#8217; he complained. &#8216;The average attendance
+is about forty-seven, an&#8217; it used to
+be between five an&#8217; six hundred, an&#8217; we
+are all taxed to death to keep it goin&#8217;. I
+have to pay three hundred a year for the
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_133' name='page_133'></a>133</span>
+privilege o&#8217; gittin&#8217; mad every Sunday.
+Two or three of us have got after him an&#8217;
+made him promise to do better. Some
+awful free-minded folks have crept into
+the church, an&#8217; the fact is, we need their
+money,&#8217; Deacon Joe went on. &#8216;What the
+minister ought to do is stick to the old
+doctrines that are safe an&#8217; sound. &#8216;St&#8217;id o&#8217;
+that he&#8217;s tryin&#8217; to sail &#8217;twixt rock an&#8217; reef.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Between Scylla and Charybdis,&#8217; I
+suggested.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Between Silly an&#8217; what?&#8217; the old man
+asked, as if in doubt of my meaning.</p>
+<p>&#8220;We were interrupted by the arrival
+of the Reverend Robert with Marie and her
+mother, in his handsome landaulet. Marie
+asked me to go with her to gather wild
+flowers in a bit of woodland not far away.
+I went, and soon saw her purpose. She
+had had the &#8216;jolliest, cutest letter from
+Harry&#8217; that she had ever read, and seemed
+to be in doubt as to whether she ought to
+let him write to her.</p>
+<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_134' name='page_134'></a>134</span></div>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Has your grandfather forbidden it?&#8217;
+I asked.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;No.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Then it&#8217;s up to you,&#8217; I said.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Do you think he cares for me?&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;I should think him a fool if he didn&#8217;t,&#8217;
+I said, looking down into her lovely dark
+eyes.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;But do you really and truly think that
+he cares for me?&#8217; she insisted.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;I suspect that he does.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Why?&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;A lawyer must not betray a confidence.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Do you like him?&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Wait until his uneducation is completed,
+and I&#8217;ll tell you. I am beginning to
+have hope for Harry.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;I&#8217;m sorry grandpapa is so hateful!&#8217;
+she exclaimed, with a sigh.</p>
+<p>&#8220;I stood up for the old man and asked:</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Do you like the Reverend Robert?&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Very much! He&#8217;s so good-looking,
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_135' name='page_135'></a>135</span>
+and has such beautiful thoughts! Have
+you heard him preach?&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;No.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;We think his sermons are fine. Everybody
+likes them but grandpapa. He wants
+noise, you know&ndash;&ndash;lung power and old
+theology. I hate it!&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;He doesn&#8217;t take to Robert?&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;No; he calls him a calf. Nobody is
+good enough for me, you know. He&#8217;d like
+me to marry some man with a hoe, who
+would take me to church and Sunday school
+every sabbath morning, and for a
+walk to the cemetery in the afternoon, and
+down to the prayer-meeting every Wednesday
+night, and on a journey from Genesis
+to Revelations once a year. It&#8217;s too much
+to expect of a human being. Then the
+hoes are in the hands of Poles, Slavs, and
+Italians. So what am I to do?&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Well, you are young&ndash;&ndash;you can afford
+to wait a while,&#8217; I said.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;But not until I am old and all withered
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_136' name='page_136'></a>136</span>
+up. I am going to marry the man I love
+within a year or so, if he has the good sense
+to ask me. Don&#8217;t you ever go to church?&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;No,&#8217; I said.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Why not?&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;I tried to think. There were the
+ministers&ndash;&ndash;two boys and three old men&ndash;&ndash;dried
+beef and veal! Not to my knowledge
+had a single one of them ever expressed an
+idea. They were seen, but not felt. The
+Church! Why, certainly, it was founded
+on the sweetness, strength, and sanity of
+a great soul. I had almost forgotten that.
+It had grown feeble. It had got its fortunes
+entangled in psychological hair. It
+should have been correcting the follies of
+the people&ndash;&ndash;their selfishness, their sinful
+pride, their extravagance, their loss of honor
+and humanity. Had I not seen, in the case
+of Harry and his followers, how the Church
+had failed in its work? Ought it not to
+have sought and saved them long ago&ndash;&ndash;saved
+them from needless disaster? It
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_137' name='page_137'></a>137</span>
+should have been appealing to their consciences.
+If appeals had failed it should
+have stung them with ridicule or raised
+a voice like that of Christ against the
+Pharisees. The Church! Why, it was living,
+not in the present, but in the past. Here
+in Pointview the Church itself had become
+one of the greatest follies of the time.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;I want you to go next Sunday and hear
+Mr. Knowles, as a favor to me&ndash;&ndash;won&#8217;t
+you?&#8217; Marie asked.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Yes,&#8217; I said. &#8216;In the next five Sundays
+I shall go to every Protestant church in
+Pointview. I want to know what they&#8217;re
+doing. I shall put aside my scruples and
+go.&#8217;&#8221;</p>
+<hr class='toprule' />
+<div class='chsp'>
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_138' name='page_138'></a>138</span>
+<a name='XIV_IN_WHICH_SOCRATES_DISCOVERS_A_NEW_FOLLY' id='XIV_IN_WHICH_SOCRATES_DISCOVERS_A_NEW_FOLLY'></a>
+<h2>XIV</h2>
+<h3>IN WHICH SOCRATES DISCOVERS A NEW FOLLY</h3>
+</div>
+<p>&#8220;Well, I went and saw the Reverend
+Robert Knowles sail between &#8216;Silly
+and Charybdis.&#8217; He bumped on both
+sides, but did it rather gracefully. He reviewed
+the career of Samuel, who lived and
+died some thousands of years ago. The
+miraculous touch of Carlyle or Macaulay
+might easily have failed in the task of reviving
+a man so thoroughly dead. But
+the Reverend Robert entered this unequal
+contest with no evidence of alarm. The
+dead man prevailed. The power of his long
+sleep fell upon us. My head grew heavy.
+I felt my weight bearing down upon the
+cushions. A stiffness came into my bones.</p>
+<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_139' name='page_139'></a>139</span></div>
+<p>&#8220;On our way to church Betsey had
+placed the young minister in my thoughts.
+The trustees had reckoned that he would
+revive the interest of the young people in
+Sunday worship; and he did, but it was
+the worship of youth and beauty.</p>
+<p>&#8220;Well, the other churches were emptier
+than ever, and so the spiritual life of the
+community was in no way improved. In
+fact, I guess it had been a little embittered
+by the new conditions. As soon as it became
+known that Marie had won the prize
+of his favor the other girls had returned to
+their native altars, having discovered that
+the new minister was vain, worldly, and
+conceited.</p>
+<p>&#8220;Lettie Davis, who had made a dead set
+at him, had been strongly convinced of
+that as soon as he began to show a preference
+for Marie, and the Davis family
+had left the church and gone over to the
+Methodists. The young man had been
+filled with alarm. He feared it would
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_140' name='page_140'></a>140</span>
+wreck the church. That old ship of the
+faith was leaky and iron-sick, and down
+by the head and heel, as they say at sea.
+She rolled if one got off or on her.</p>
+<p>&#8220;Such was the condition of things when
+we entered the church of my fathers. We
+sat down in the Potter pew a few minutes
+before the service began. There were, by
+actual count, forty-nine people gathered
+around the altar of the old church, and behind
+us a great emptiness and the ghosts
+of the dead. In my boyhood I had sat
+in its dim light, with six hundred people
+filling every seat to the doors and a man of
+power and learning in the pulpit.</p>
+<p>&#8220;Faces long forgotten were there in those
+pews&ndash;&ndash;old faces, young faces. How many
+thousands had left its altar to find distant
+homes or to go on their last journey to that
+nearer one in the churchyard! My heart
+was full and ready for strong meat, but none
+came to me. The moment of silence had
+been something rare&ndash;&ndash;like an old Grecian
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_141' name='page_141'></a>141</span>
+vase wonderfully wrought. Then, suddenly,
+the singing fell upon us and broke
+the silence into ruins. It was in the nature
+of a breach of the peace. There are two
+kinds of people who ought to be gently but
+firmly restrained: the person that talks too
+much and the person that sings too much.</p>
+<p>&#8220;This young minister undoubtedly meant
+well. He&#8217;s about the kind of a chap that
+I&#8217;ve seen in law-offices working for fifteen
+dollars a week&ndash;&ndash;industrious, zealous, and
+able up to a point, and all right under
+supervision. He can be trusted to handle
+a small case with intelligence and judgment.
+But I wouldn&#8217;t go to him for instruction
+in philosophy; and if I wished to
+relay the foundation of my life I should,
+naturally, consult some other person. As
+one might expect, he had searched the cellars
+of theology for canned goods, and with
+extraordinary success.</p>
+<p>&#8220;The young man had so lately arrived
+in this world he couldn&#8217;t be expected to
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_142' name='page_142'></a>142</span>
+know much about its affairs, and especially
+about those of Samuel. It was graceful
+and decorous elocution. The Deacon expressed
+his opinion of it in snores, and I
+longed to follow suit.</p>
+<p>&#8220;The sermon ended with a dramatic
+recitation, and on our way out the minister
+met us at the door.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;You must manage to keep these people
+awake,&#8217; I suggested to him.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;How am I to do it?&#8217; he asked.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Well, you might have a corps of pin-stickers
+carefully distributed in the pews,
+or you could put the pins in your sermon.
+I recommend the latter.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;We went away with a sense of injury.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Let&#8217;s keep trying,&#8217; said Betsey, &#8216;until
+you find some one you would care to hear.
+I would feel at home in any of our churches.
+These days there&#8217;s no essential difference between
+Congregationalists, Baptists, Methodists,
+Presbyterians, and Episcopalians.
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_143' name='page_143'></a>143</span>
+I&#8217;ve talked with all of them, and their differences
+are dead and gone. They stand
+in the printed creeds, but are no longer in
+the hearts of the people.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Then why all these empty churches?&#8217;
+I asked. &#8216;Why don&#8217;t the people get together
+in one great church?&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Don&#8217;t talk about the millennium,&#8217;
+said Betsey. &#8216;We must try to make the
+best of what we have.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;Well, in the next four Sundays we went
+from church to church to get strength for
+our souls, and found only weakness and disappointment.
+Immune from ridicule and
+satire, the sacred inefficiency of our pulpit
+had waxed and grown and taken possession
+of the churches. And one thought came to
+me as I listened. There should be a number
+of exits to every Christian church,
+plainly marked: &#8216;To be used in case of fire.&#8217;
+Ancient history, dead philosophy, sophomoric
+periods, bad music, empty pews, weary
+groups of the faithful longing for home,
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_144' name='page_144'></a>144</span>
+were, in brief, the things that we saw and
+heard. It was pathetic.</p>
+<p>&#8220;I began to think about it. Here were
+five church organizations, all weak, infirm,
+begging, struggling for life. The automobile
+and the golf and yacht clubs had
+nearly finished the work of destruction
+which incompetence had so ably begun.
+There was not much left of them; yet their
+combined property was worth about one
+hundred thousand dollars. They spent in
+the aggregate fifty-six hundred dollars for
+ministers&#8217; salaries, and their total average
+attendance was only four hundred and forty-nine.
+I could see no more extravagant
+waste of time, work, and capital in any
+other branch of human effort. Some would
+call it wicked, but, though we speak with the
+tongues of men and of angels, and have not
+charity, we had better have kept still.</p>
+<p>&#8220;The Reverend Mr. Knowles came to
+me within a day or two and apologized
+for his sermon. He complained that he
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_145' name='page_145'></a>145</span>
+couldn&#8217;t be himself&ndash;&ndash;that he didn&#8217;t dare
+speak his thoughts.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Whose thoughts do you speak?&#8217; I
+asked.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Well, I trail along in the wake of the
+fathers.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Then you are feeding your flock on
+corned and kippered thoughts&ndash;&ndash;on the dried
+and dug-up convictions of the dead. It isn&#8217;t
+fair. It isn&#8217;t even honest. The church
+here is dying of anemia for want of fresh
+food. The new world must have new
+thought to fit new conditions. Its outlook
+has been utterly changed. If a man who
+had never seen a locomotive or a motor-car
+or a tandem or a telephone or an
+electric light or the sons and daughters of a
+new millionaire or the home and crest of
+the same or a bill of a modern merchant
+were to come down out of the backwoods
+and try to tell us how to run the world, we
+should think him an ass, and wisely. Consider
+how these things have changed the
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_146' name='page_146'></a>146</span>
+spirit of man and surrounded it with new
+perils.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;But think of the old fellows&ndash;&ndash;the mossbacks&ndash;&ndash;who
+hate your new philosophy,&#8217;
+said the minister.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;And think of the young fellows who are
+so easily tossed about. The moss of senility
+is covering the bloom of youth and the
+honor of youth.&#8217;&#8221;</p>
+<hr class='toprule' />
+<div class='chsp'>
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_147' name='page_147'></a>147</span>
+<a name='XV_IN_WHICH_HARRY_RETURNS_TO_POINTVIEW_AND_GOES_TO_WORK' id='XV_IN_WHICH_HARRY_RETURNS_TO_POINTVIEW_AND_GOES_TO_WORK'></a>
+<h2>XV</h2>
+<h3>IN WHICH HARRY RETURNS TO POINTVIEW AND GOES TO WORK</h3>
+</div>
+<p>&#8220;Betsey and I were giving a dinner-party
+at our house. Mr. and Mrs.
+Henry Delance and the Warburtons and
+Dan and Lizzie had come over to discuss
+a plan for the correction of the greatest
+folly and extravagance in the village&ndash;&ndash;namely,
+the waste of its spiritual energy.</p>
+<p>&#8220;At first we had to discuss a fact related
+to another folly, for the Delances told how
+Harry&#8217;s pet collie had come up to the back
+door that day with a human skull in his
+mouth. Of course I knew that Harry&#8217;s
+Bishop had returned, but held my peace
+about it. To them it had suggested murder,
+and they had consulted the chief of police.</p>
+<div class='figtag'>
+<a name='linki_6' id='linki_6'></a>
+</div>
+<div class='figcenter'>
+<img src='images/illus-148.jpg' alt='' title='' width='429' height='662' /><br />
+<p class='caption'>
+&#8220;HARRY&#8217;S PET COLLIE HAD COME UP TO THE BACK DOOR WITH A HUMAN SKULL IN HIS MOUTH&#8221;<br />
+</p>
+</div>
+<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_148' name='page_148'></a>148</span></div>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;How do you know that it is not one of
+your ancestors dug up in a back pasture,&#8217;
+I said.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;It might be William the Conqueror,&#8217;
+Lizzie remarked.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;I deny it,&#8217; said Delance, in perfect
+good nature. &#8216;We have resigned from
+William&#8217;s family. As a matter of fact, I
+never joined it.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;I congratulated him.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;It has always seemed like the merest
+poppycock to me&ndash;&ndash;this genealogical craze
+of the ladies,&#8217; said Henry. &#8216;When our
+London solicitor wrote that it would take
+another hundred pounds to establish the
+connection beyond a doubt, he gave away
+the whole scheme, and I resigned. It was
+too silly. In these days of titled chambermaids
+I think we shall worry along pretty
+well without William.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;Then Betsey said: &#8216;I was reading in
+the county history to-day that old Zebulon
+Delance, who was killed in a fight with
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_149' name='page_149'></a>149</span>
+Indians in 1750, was buried in a meadow
+back of his house.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;It may be the skull of old Zeb,&#8217; said Henry.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Now there&#8217;s an ancestor worth having,&#8217;
+I suggested.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;I wonder if it can belong to old Zeb,&#8217;
+Henry mused.</p>
+<p>&#8220;At last we got to my plan. I pictured
+the condition of the community as I saw
+it, and the inefficiency of the church and the
+need of a new and active power in Pointview.</p>
+<p>&#8220;I proposed that we buy the old skating-rink
+and remodel it, employ the best talent
+in America, and start a new center of power
+in the community&ndash;&ndash;a power that should,
+first of all, keep us sane, and then as decent
+as possible. The mathematics of the enterprise
+were at my fingers&#8217; ends:</p>
+<table summary=''><tr><td>
+<p class='cg'>&#8220;Initial Expenses              $15,000<br />
+&#8220;Annual Outlay for Instruction   8,000<br />
+&#8220;For Music                       3,500<br />
+&#8220;For Maintenance                 1,000<br />
+&#8220;For Management                  3,500</p>
+</td></tr></table>
+<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_150' name='page_150'></a>150</span></div>
+<p>&#8220;It was no small matter, but the initial expense
+and the first year&#8217;s outlay were subscribed
+in ten minutes. Betsey set the ball rolling
+with an offer of ten thousand dollars, and
+then it was like shaking ripe apples off a tree.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Who is to be the manager?&#8217; Delance
+wanted to know. &#8216;It&#8217;s a big job.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;I propose that we try Harry,&#8217; I said;
+&#8216;in my opinion it will interest him. I&#8217;ve
+had him in training for a year or so, and
+he&#8217;s about ready for big work.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;I don&#8217;t believe Harry can do it,&#8217; his
+father declared.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;I should think it might not be to his
+taste,&#8217; said Bill Warburton.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;But I have later and better information
+than the rest of you,&#8217; I said. &#8216;If you
+will leave the matter in my hands you may
+hold me responsible for the results.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;They gave me the white card. I could
+do as I liked. The fact is, I had just had a
+letter from Harry which filled me with new
+hope. I have it here.&#8221;</p>
+<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_151' name='page_151'></a>151</span></div>
+<p>The Honorable Socrates Potter took
+the letter from his pocket and said:</p>
+<p>&#8220;You see, Harry has been discovering
+America. He is the Columbus of our
+heiristocracy. His mental map has been
+filled with great cities and splendid hotels,
+and thrifty towns and enormous areas of
+wheat and corn, and astonishing distances
+and sublime mountain scenes. Moreover,
+he has learned the joys of a simple life; he
+had to. Of course, he knew of these things,
+but feebly and without pride, as one knows
+the Tetons who has never seen them.
+Leaving in May, he stopped in all the big
+cities, and finished his journey from the
+railroad with a stage-ride of some ninety
+miles. Of the stage-ride and other matters,
+he writes thus:</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;On the front seat with the driver sat
+a lady smoking a cigar, who, now and then,
+offered us a drink from a bottle. At her
+side was a lady with a wooden leg, and a hen
+in her hand. You know every woman is a
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_152' name='page_152'></a>152</span>
+lady out here. The driver swore at the
+horses, the hen swore at the lady, and
+several of the passengers swore at each
+other, and it was all done in the most
+amiable spirit. Two rough-necks sat beside
+me who kept shooting with revolvers
+at sage-hens as they&ndash;&ndash;the men, not the hens&ndash;&ndash;irrigated
+the tires with tobacco-juice.
+At the next stop I got into a row with a
+one-eyed professor of elocution, because he
+said I carried too much for the size of my
+mule, an&#8217; didn&#8217;t speak proper. He objected
+to my pronunciation, and I to his choice
+of words. In the argument his revolver
+took sides with him. I got one of my toes
+lopped with a bullet, and the lady who
+carried the cigar and the bottle took me
+to her home and nursed me like a mother,
+and the lady with the wooden leg brought
+me strawberries every day and sang to me
+and told me some good stories. I had
+thought it was a God-forsaken country, but,
+you see, I was wrong. There&#8217;s more real
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_153' name='page_153'></a>153</span>
+practical Christianity among these people
+than I ever saw before, and it&#8217;s hard work
+to be an ass here. The way of the ass is
+full of trouble, and I begin to understand
+why you wanted me to come out to Wyoming.
+The people are rough, but as kind
+as angels. Felt like turning back, but these
+women put new heart in me, especially the
+wooden-legged one.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;&#8220;We don&#8217;t like parlor talk out here,&#8221;
+she said; &#8220;it ain&#8217;t considered good ettikit.
+Folks don&#8217;t mind a little, but if it goes too
+fur it&#8217;s considered insultin&#8217; an&#8217; everybody
+begins to speak to ye like he was talkin&#8217;
+to a balky mule.&#8221;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;I went on as soon as I was able, and
+spent the whole summer on the back of a
+cayuse. Got lost in the mountains; went
+hungry and cold like the wolf, as Garland
+puts it, for three days; had to think my way
+back to camp. It was the best schooling
+in geography and logic and American
+humanity that I ever had. Every man at
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_154' name='page_154'></a>154</span>
+the ranch, and the women, had been out
+hunting for me. I offered them money,
+but they woudn&#8217;t take a cent&ndash;&ndash;the joy
+of seeing me was enough. They haven&#8217;t
+a smitch of the revolting money-hunger
+of the average European. With all its
+faults I am proud of my country. I want
+you to find a good, big American job for
+me.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;I have been reading the Bishop of
+St. Clare, who says: &#8220;There hath been more
+energy expended in swaggering about with
+full bellies and a burden of needless fat than
+would move the island to the main shore.
+If thy purse be used to buy immunity from
+work, it secureth immunity from manhood;
+and what is a man without manhood?&#8221;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;There is the American idea for you.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Deacon Joe has got to change his mind
+about me. Marie has only written me
+one letter, and that was a frost. If you
+have any influence with the girl, don&#8217;t let
+her get engaged to that parson.&#8217;</p>
+<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_155' name='page_155'></a>155</span></div>
+<p>Socrates laughed as he put the letter
+away, and went on:</p>
+<p>&#8220;Well, Harry came back, browned and
+brawny, with his cayuse, saddle, and
+sombrero, and a shooting-iron half as long
+as my arm.</p>
+<p>&#8220;He came here for a talk with me the
+day after his arrival. The subject of a lifework
+was pressing on him.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Have you seen Zeb?&#8217; was his first
+query.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Zeb?&#8217; I asked. &#8216;Who is Zeb?&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;That dear old, irrepressible bishop,&#8217;
+said Harry. &#8216;They have dug him up and
+named him Zeb, and put him on a top shelf
+in the library. They think he is one of our
+great-grandfathers.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Oh, he has been promoted,&#8217; I remarked.</p>
+<p>&#8220;Harry went on:</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;My dog is responsible for the reappearance
+of the bishop. I took him with
+me that night, and he knew where to find
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_156' name='page_156'></a>156</span>
+it. Father is sure that it&#8217;s the head of
+old Zeb Delance.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Let the Bishop rest where he is,&#8217; I
+suggested. &#8216;Now that he has converted
+you, he will probably let up. At least, let
+us hope that he will not worry you. Of
+course he will remind you of past follies
+every time you look at him, but that will
+do you no harm.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Oh, I couldn&#8217;t forget him! Father
+has been reading up on Zeb, and he does
+nothing but talk about him. He has learned
+that the Indians buried the head and burned
+the body of a victim.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;He symbolizes the change in your taste.
+Zeb was a man of action&ndash;&ndash;a worker. What
+do you propose to do now?&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Well, I have thought some of following
+Dan into agriculture.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Don&#8217;t,&#8217; was my answer. &#8216;You&#8217;re not
+the type for that kind of a job. Dan was
+brought up to work with his hands. I fear
+that you would be a Fifth Avenue farmer.&#8217;</p>
+<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_157' name='page_157'></a>157</span></div>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Well, what would you say to a plant
+for the manufacture of aeroplanes? I
+stopped at Dayton and looked into the
+matter, and learned to fly. I have ordered
+a biplane, and it will be delivered in the
+spring.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;I vetoed that plan, and asked where he
+proposed to settle.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Right here&ndash;&ndash;if possible,&#8217; said Harry.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Good! There&#8217;s one thing about your
+family tree that I like, and you ought to be
+proud of it. Your forebears, having been
+treated with shameless oppression, came to
+these inhospitable shores in 1630. They
+needn&#8217;t have done it if they had been willing
+to knuckle down and say they liked crow
+when they didn&#8217;t. They wouldn&#8217;t do that,
+so they left the old sod and ventured forth
+in a little sailing-vessel on the mighty deep.
+It required some courage to do that. They
+landed safely, and for nearly three hundred
+years their descendants have lived and
+worked and suffered all manner of hardships
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_158' name='page_158'></a>158</span>
+in New England. It&#8217;s a proper thing,
+Harry, that you should do your work
+where, mostly, they did their work&ndash;&ndash;in
+dear old Connecticut.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;And besides, it&#8217;s the home of Marie,&#8217;
+he said.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;And let us consider what there is to be
+done in the home of Marie,&#8217; I went on.
+&#8216;Here in the very town where so many of
+your fathers have lived and worked we
+find a singular parade of folly. The idle
+rich from a near city are closing in upon us.
+Many of the Yankees have acquired property
+and ceased to work. Back in the
+distant hills they toil not, but live from
+hand to mouth in a pitiful state of degeneration.
+The work of the hand is almost entirely
+that of Italians, Poles, Hungarians,
+and Greeks.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Our tradesmen have a low code of
+honor. They overcharge us for the necessities
+of life. Many of them have been
+caught cheating. Our wives and sons and
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_159' name='page_159'></a>159</span>
+daughters are living beyond their means, as
+if ignorant of the fact that it is the beginning
+of dishonesty. Our poverty is
+mostly that of the soul. The churches are
+dying, and the sabbath is dead. What we
+need is a return to the honor, sanity, and
+common sense of old New England, which
+gave of its fullness to the land we love.
+Let&#8217;s start a school of old-fashioned decency
+and Americanism. Let&#8217;s call it the Church
+of All Faiths and make it a center of power.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;I laid the scheme before him in all its
+details, and then&ndash;&ndash;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;I&#8217;m with you,&#8217; he said, &#8216;and I think I
+can see Knowles moving and Deacon Joe
+coming down off his high horse.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Possibly we could use Knowles,&#8217; I suggested.
+&#8216;There&#8217;ll be a lot of detail.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;But only as a kind of clerk,&#8217; said Harry.</p>
+<p>&#8220;As a kind of clerk, I agreed. &#8216;We shall
+need a number of clerks. I intend that
+every family within ten miles shall be
+visited at least once a week. We shall not
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_160' name='page_160'></a>160</span>
+only let our light shine, but we shall make it
+shine into every human heart in this community.
+If they&#8217;re too callous we&#8217;ll punch
+a hole with our trusty blade and let the
+light in. The lantern and the rapier shall
+be our weapons.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;Harry was full of enthusiasm. He had
+met Marie on the street, and she was glad
+to learn that he was going to work.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Incidentally, I hope to win your grandfather&#8217;s
+consent,&#8217; he had said to her.</p>
+<p>&#8220;And she had answered: &#8216;If you could
+do that I should think you were an extremely
+able young man.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;And worthy of the best girl living?&#8217;
+Harry had urged.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;That&#8217;s too extravagant,&#8217; Marie had
+said as she left him.</p>
+<p>&#8220;Harry went to work with me at once.
+He bought the rink and the ground beneath
+it and some more alongside. We spent
+days and nights with an architect making
+and remaking the plans, and by and by
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_161' name='page_161'></a>161</span>
+we knew that we were right. Soon the contractor
+began his work, and in three months
+we had finished the most notable meeting-house
+of modern times.</p>
+<p>&#8220;The walls were tinted a rich cream color,
+the woodwork was painted white. There
+were new carpets in the aisles, and between
+them comfortable seats for nine hundred
+people. The fine old pulpit from which
+Jonathan Edwards had preached his first
+sermon was the center of a little garden
+of ferns and palms and vines and mosses,
+all growing in good ground, with a small
+fountain in their midst&ndash;&ndash;a symbol of purity.
+A great sheet of plate glass behind the
+pulpit showed a thicket of evergreens.
+High above the pulpit was another big
+sheet of glass, through which one got a
+broad view of the sky, and it was framed
+in these words: &#8216;The heavens declare the
+glory of God and the firmament showeth
+his handiwork.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;The walls were adorned with handsome
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_162' name='page_162'></a>162</span>
+pictures loaned by my friends. On one
+wall were these modern commandments,
+most of which were gleaned from the
+masterly volume entitled <i>The Life and
+Writings of Robert Delance, Bishop of St.
+Clare</i>, which Harry had found in a London
+bookstore:</p>
+<p>&#8220;1. &#8216;Be grateful unto God, for He hath
+given thee life, time, and this beautiful
+world. Other things thou shalt find for
+thyself.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;2. &#8216;Be brave with thy life, for it is very
+long.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;3. &#8216;Waste no time, for thy time is very
+little.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;4. &#8216;See that this world is the better for
+thy work and kindness.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;5. &#8216;Doubt not the truth of that thy
+senses tell thee, for thy God is no deceiver.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;6. &#8216;Love the truth and live it, for no one
+is long deceived by lying.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;7. &#8216;Give not unto the beast and neglect
+thy brother.&#8217;</p>
+<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_163' name='page_163'></a>163</span></div>
+<p>&#8220;8. &#8216;Go find thy brothers in the world
+and see that these be many, for a man&#8217;s
+strength and happiness are multiplied by
+the number of his brothers.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;9. &#8216;Beware lest thy wealth come between
+thee and them and tend to thine own
+poverty and theirs.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;10. &#8216;Suffer little children to come unto
+thee, for of such is the kingdom of heaven.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;The simple-hearted old Bishop had just
+the philosophy we needed. It seemed to
+have been carefully designed to meet the inventiveness
+of the modern sinner. He was
+turning out well and had already exerted a
+wholesome influence on the character of
+Harry. Would that all ancestors were as
+well chosen!</p>
+<p>&#8220;We did not wish to hinder the other
+churches, and that spirit went into all our
+plans. First, then, we decided that our
+services should begin at twelve o&#8217;clock
+every Sunday, and close at one or before
+twenty minutes after one. That gave our
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_164' name='page_164'></a>164</span>
+parishioners a chance to go to the other
+churches if they wanted to. I traveled
+from Boston to St. Louis, and returned <i>via</i>
+Washington, to engage talent for our pulpit.
+I wanted the best that this land afforded,
+and was prepared to pay its price. I engaged
+nine ministers, distinguished for
+eloquence and learning, three Governors,
+the Mayor of a Western city, two United
+States Senators, one Congressman, and a Justice
+of the Supreme Court of the land. They
+were all great-souled men, who had shown
+in word and action a touch of the spirit
+of Jesus Christ. Some of them had been
+throwing light into dark places and driving
+money-changers from the temple and casting
+out devils. They were all qualified to
+enlighten and lift up our souls.</p>
+<p>&#8220;I asked that their lessons should be
+drawn from the lives of the modern prophets&ndash;&ndash;Abraham
+Lincoln, Silas Wright, Daniel
+Webster, Charles Sumner, Henry Clay,
+Noah Webster, George William Curtis,
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_165' name='page_165'></a>165</span>
+Ralph Waldo Emerson, Sidney Lanier,
+Horace Greeley, and others like them. What
+I sought most was an increase of the love
+of honor and the respect for industry in our
+young men and women. Holiness was a
+thing for later consideration, it seemed to
+me.</p>
+<p>&#8220;I put a full-page advertisement in each
+local paper, which read about as follows:</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;The Church of All Faiths.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Built especially for sinners and for
+good people who wish to be better.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Will begin its work in this community
+Sunday, June 19th, at twelve o&#8217;clock, with
+a sermon by Socrates Potter, Esq., of
+Pointview, in which he will set forth his
+view of what a church should do, and an
+account of what this church proposes to do,
+for its parishioners. Other churches are
+cordially invited to worship, and to work
+with us for the good of Pointview.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;The curiosity of all the people had been
+whetted to a keen edge. They had begged
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_166' name='page_166'></a>166</span>
+for information, but Betsey and I had said
+that they should know all about it in due
+time. I had given my plan to the contributors
+only, and they were to keep still
+about it.</p>
+<p>&#8220;Sometimes silence is the best advertisement,
+and certain men who seem to be so
+modest that they are shocked by the least
+publicity are the greatest advertisers in the
+world. The man who hides his candle under
+a bushel is apt to be the one whose
+candle is best known. So it happened
+with us. Nine hundred and sixteen people
+filled the seats in our church that morning by
+twelve o&#8217;clock, and two hundred more were
+trying to get in.</p>
+<p>&#8220;At the next service an honored minister
+whose soul is even greater than his fame
+preached for us, and that week a petition
+came to me, signed by six hundred citizens,
+complaining that the hour was inconvenient,
+and asking that it be changed to 10.30
+<span class='smcap'>A.M.</span> I believe in the voice of the people,
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_167' name='page_167'></a>167</span>
+and obeyed it; but I knew what would
+happen, and it did. The other churches
+were deserted and silent. One by one
+their ministers came to see me&ndash;&ndash;all save
+one old gentleman in whom the brimstone
+of wrath had begun to burn more fiercely.
+We needed and were glad to have the help
+of two of them. There were the sick and
+the poor to be visited; there were weddings
+and funerals and countless details in the
+organization of the new church to be attended
+to.</p>
+<p>&#8220;I ought to tell you that a curious and
+unexpected thing had happened. Fisherfolk,
+street gamins, caddies, loafers on the
+docks and in the livery stables, millionaires
+and million-heiresses&ndash;&ndash;people who had
+thought themselves either above or below
+religion&ndash;&ndash;came to our meetings. Each resembled
+in numbers a political rally.</p>
+<p>&#8220;We have started an improvement school
+for Sunday evenings, in which the great
+story is told in lectures and fine photographs
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_168' name='page_168'></a>168</span>
+thrown on a screen. And not only
+the great story, but any story calculated
+to inspire and enlighten the youthful mind.
+The best of the world&#8217;s work and art and
+certain of the great novels will be presented
+in this way. I am going to get
+the great men of the world to give us
+three-minute sermons on the phonograph.
+Thus I hope to make it possible for our
+people to hear the voices and sentiments
+of kings, presidents, premiers, statesmen,
+and prophets&ndash;&ndash;the men and women who are
+making history.</p>
+<p>&#8220;We have started a small country club
+where poor boys and girls can enjoy billiards,
+bowling, golf, and tennis. Any boy or
+girl in this town who has a longing for
+better things is sought and found by our
+ministers, and all kinds of encouragement
+are offered. People and clergy of almost
+every faith that is known here in Pointview
+are working side by side for one purpose.
+Think of that! The revolution has been
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_169' name='page_169'></a>169</span>
+complete and mainly peaceful. As to the
+expense of it all, we tax the rich, and for
+the rest we temper the wind to the length
+of their wool.</p>
+<p>&#8220;Of course, there were certain people
+who didn&#8217;t like it, and among them was
+Deacon Joe. He and four others hired a
+minister, and sat in lonely sorrow in the
+old church every Sunday, until the expense
+sickened them. Then the Deacon got mad
+at the town, and refused to be seen in it.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Reach everybody,&#8217; had been one of
+our mottoes, and Deacon Joe said that he
+guessed we wouldn&#8217;t reach him.&#8221;</p>
+<hr class='toprule' />
+<div class='chsp'>
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_170' name='page_170'></a>170</span>
+<a name='XVI_WHICH_PRESENTS_AN_INCIDENT_IN_OUR_CAMPAIGN_AGAINST_NEW_NEW_ENGLAND' id='XVI_WHICH_PRESENTS_AN_INCIDENT_IN_OUR_CAMPAIGN_AGAINST_NEW_NEW_ENGLAND'></a>
+<h2>XVI</h2>
+<h3>WHICH PRESENTS AN INCIDENT IN OUR CAMPAIGN AGAINST NEW NEW ENGLAND</h3>
+</div>
+<p>&#8220;We had some adventures in new New
+England which ought to be set down.
+Here&#8217;s one of them.</p>
+<p>&#8220;The old village of Trent lies back in the
+hills, a little journey from Pointview, on the
+shores of a pleasant river. To the unknowing
+traveler, who approaches from
+either hilltop, it has a peaceful and inviting
+look. But the rutted, rocky road
+begins at once to excite suspicion. A bad
+road is an indication and a producer of
+degeneracy in man and beast. It tends to
+profanity, and if it went far would probably
+lead to hell. Trent itself is one of the little
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_171' name='page_171'></a>171</span>
+modern hells of New England. There are
+the venerable and neatly fashioned houses
+of the old-time Yankee&ndash;&ndash;the peaked roofs
+and gables, the columns, the cozy verandas,
+the garden spaces. But the old-time
+Yankees are gone. The well-kept gardens
+are no more. Many of the houses are
+going to ruin. One is an Italian tenement.
+The others are inhabited by coachmen,
+chauffeurs, gardeners, mill-hands, and degenerate
+Yankees. The inn is a mere barroom.
+Sounds of revelry and the odor of
+stale beer come out of it. In front are
+teams of burden, abandoned, for a time,
+by their drivers, and sundry human signs
+of decay loafing in the shadow of the old
+lindens. Among them are the seedy remnants
+of a once noble race. They are
+fettered by &#8216;rheumatiz&#8217; and the disordered
+liver. They move like boats dragging their
+anchors. To make life tolerable their imaginations
+need assistance. They are like
+the Flub Dubs of lost Atlantis. Each
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_172' name='page_172'></a>172</span>
+imagines himself the greatest man in the
+village. They talk in loud words. They
+quarrel and fight over the crown. So it
+has been a brawling, besotted community.</p>
+<p>&#8220;Trent&#8217;s leading citizen is a Yankee
+politician who owns most of its real estate
+and derives a profit from its lawless traffic.
+Trent has been his enterprise.</p>
+<p>&#8220;Knowles went over there one day to
+conduct a funeral, which was interrupted
+by a dog-fight under the coffin and nearly
+broken up by a row over two dollars which
+had been found in a pocket of the dead man.</p>
+<p>&#8220;We opened a club-house next to the
+hotel, and began a campaign for the regeneration
+of Trent. Soon we discovered
+that its one officer was unwilling to arrest
+offenders against law and order. We had
+him removed and a new man put in his
+place. This man was set upon and severely
+beaten, and lost interest in the good work.
+Then Harry applied for the job and got it.
+He took with him a force of husky young
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_173' name='page_173'></a>173</span>
+men&ndash;&ndash;mostly college boys. The first day
+on duty he arrested in the street a drunken
+man who carried in his hands a small sack
+of potatoes. The latter whistled for help,
+and the enemies of law and order swarmed
+out of their haunts. Harry had become
+an expert ball pitcher, noted for speed and
+accuracy. He floored his man and took
+possession of the potatoes, with which he
+proceeded to defend himself. Only two
+balls were pitched, but they held the enemy
+in check until Harry&#8217;s deputies had rushed
+out of the club-house. A flying wedge
+scattered the crowd. No further violence
+was needed. The ruffians saw that he
+meant business and had the nerve and
+muscle to carry it through, and nothing
+more was necessary&ndash;&ndash;just then.</p>
+<p>&#8220;They took the drunken man to the
+lock-up, and came back and got a bartender,
+and led him in the same path.
+Harry has the situation well in hand, and is
+the most popular man in our community.
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_174' name='page_174'></a>174</span>
+Every day we have items to put to his
+credit, and nothing to charge against his
+reputation. There&#8217;s something going on
+at the club every evening, and the rooms
+are crowded. Those men who had sat day
+by day brawling under the lindens now
+spend most of their leisure in the reading
+and card rooms. Peace reigns in Trent.
+Such is the power of united benevolence
+working with the strong hand and the
+courageous spirit.&#8221;</p>
+<hr class='toprule' />
+<div class='chsp'>
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_175' name='page_175'></a>175</span>
+<a name='XVII_WHICH_PRESENTS_A_DECISIVE_INCIDENT_IN_OUR_CAMPAIGN_AGAINST_OLD_NEW_ENGLAND' id='XVII_WHICH_PRESENTS_A_DECISIVE_INCIDENT_IN_OUR_CAMPAIGN_AGAINST_OLD_NEW_ENGLAND'></a>
+<h2>XVII</h2>
+<h3>WHICH PRESENTS A DECISIVE INCIDENT IN OUR CAMPAIGN AGAINST OLD NEW ENGLAND</h3>
+</div>
+<p>&#8220;Harry was pretty well disabled with
+affection for a time. He was like a
+Yankee with the &#8216;rheumatiz,&#8217; and you
+know when a Yankee gets hold of the
+&#8216;rheumatiz&#8217; he hangs on. It don&#8217;t often
+get away from him. It becomes an asset&ndash;&ndash;a
+conservational asset&ndash;&ndash;an ever-present
+help in time of haying.</p>
+<p>&#8220;Since Harry&#8217;s return the tactics of
+Marie had been faultless. Her eyes had
+said, &#8216;Come on,&#8217; while her words had firmly
+held him off. He shook the tree every
+time they met, but the squirrel wouldn&#8217;t
+come down.</p>
+<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_176' name='page_176'></a>176</span></div>
+<p>&#8220;It was a hard part for Marie to play,
+between the pressure of two handsome boys
+and her duty to grandpapa. The Reverend
+Robert had won the favor of the old gentleman
+by turning from tennis to agriculture
+for exercise. He had gone over to the
+Benson farm and helped with the spring&#8217;s
+work; he had supper there every Sunday
+evening, after which he conducted a little
+service for the Deacon&#8217;s benefit. He was
+pressing, as they say in golf, and it didn&#8217;t
+improve his game. I saw that Marie
+was not quite so fond of him. I had maintained
+an attitude of strict neutrality, but
+could not fail to observe that Marie had
+begun to lean.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;You have captured the rest of Pointview,
+and you ought to be able to take
+Benson&#8217;s Hill,&#8217; Marie had said to Harry.
+&#8216;Grandfather is the last enemy of your
+crusade.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;It was a timely touch on the accelerator,
+and Harry began to speed up a little.</p>
+<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_177' name='page_177'></a>177</span></div>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;The farm is so well defended, and there&#8217;s
+nothing I dread so much as a hickory cane,&#8217;
+the boy had answered. &#8216;The last visit
+I made to the farm I wondered whether I
+was going to convert him to my way of
+thinking, or he was going to convert me to
+jelly.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;Indeed, Deacon Joe stood firm as a
+mountain. People were saying that the
+minister would win in a walk, when Marie
+converted her grandfather by the most
+remarkable bit of woman&#8217;s strategy that I
+ever observed. It was Napoleonic.</p>
+<p>&#8220;One day in May, Harry came, much
+excited, to my office. Deacon Joe was about
+to move to his island, a mile or so off shore.
+He was going to take Marie with him for
+an indefinite period. No boat would be
+permitted to land there except his own and
+the Reverend Robert&#8217;s. Marie would be
+a sort of prisoner. That day she had
+told him of the plan of her grandfather.
+In Harry&#8217;s opinion Knowles had suggested it.</p>
+<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_178' name='page_178'></a>178</span></div>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Where is the girl&#8217;s mother?&#8217; I asked.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;On some Cook&#8217;s tour in Europe, and
+the old man is crazy as a March hare,&#8217; said
+my young friend. &#8216;He&#8217;s got a lot of bulldogs
+over there, and his hired men have
+been instructed to shoot a hole in any
+boat that comes near.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;I went over to the Benson homestead
+that afternoon, and found Deacon Joe
+sitting on the piazza.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;How are you?&#8217; I asked.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Not very stout,&#8217; said he; &#8216;heart flutters
+like a ketched bird.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;What are you doing for it?&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Doctor give me some medicine; I
+fergit the name of it, but it is the stuff they
+use to blow up safes with.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Nitroglycerin! The very thing! I
+hope they will succeed in blowing up your safe.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;I was pretty close to the old man, and
+was always very frank with him. He liked
+opposition, and was as fond of warfare as
+an Old Testament hero.</p>
+<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_179' name='page_179'></a>179</span></div>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;What, sir?&#8217; he asked.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;There are some folks that have got to
+be blowed up before you can get an old
+idea out of their heads,&#8217; I went on. &#8216;They
+are locked up with rust. That&#8217;s what&#8217;s
+the matter with you, Deacon. Your brain
+needs to be blowed open an&#8217; aired. You
+stored it full of ideas sixty years ago and
+locked the door for fear they&#8217;d get away.
+They should have been taken out and
+sorted over at least once a year, and some
+thrown into the fire to make room for better
+ones. If life does you any good, if it really
+teaches you anything, your brain must keep
+changing its contents.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;The Deacon hammered the table with
+his cane, as he shouted:</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;You cussed fool of a lawyer! Don&#8217;t
+you know that truth never changes? Truth,
+sir, is eternal.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;Then I took the bat. &#8216;Truth often
+changes, but error is eternal,&#8217; I said. &#8216;You
+know when you want to prove anything,
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_180' name='page_180'></a>180</span>
+these days, you quote from the memoirs
+of a great man. Well, I was reading the
+memoirs of the late Doctor Godfrey Vogeldam
+Guph not long ago. He told of a man
+who was very singular, but not so singular as
+the doctor seemed to think. This man knew
+more than any human being has a right
+to know. He knew the plans of God, and
+had formed an unalterable opinion about
+all his neighbors. Then he locked up his
+mind and guarded it night and day, for fear
+that somebody would break in and carry
+off its contents. And it did seem as if
+people wanted to get hold of his treasure,
+for they often came and asked about it,
+and some even questioned its value. He
+said, &#8220;Away with you&ndash;&ndash;truth is eternal,
+and my soul is full and I will part with none
+of it.&#8221;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Meanwhile the truth about things
+around him began to change. Neighbor
+Smith became a good man. Neighbor
+Brown became a bad man. Priscilla
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_181' name='page_181'></a>181</span>
+Jones, who had been a vain and foolish
+woman, was one of the saints of God. The
+foundations of the world had changed. In
+a generation it had grown millions of years
+older and different&ndash;&ndash;wonderfully different!
+Even God himself had changed, it would
+seem. His methods were not as people
+had thought them. His character was
+milder. Everything had changed but this
+one man. Now when he died and came to
+St. Peter, the latter said to him:</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;&#8220;Who were your friends?&#8221;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;The new-comer thought a minute,
+and mentioned the names of some people who
+had been long dead. &#8220;They know the truth
+about me,&#8221; he said.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;&#8220;Ah, but the truth changes, and they
+haven&#8217;t seen you in many years,&#8221; said St.
+Peter.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;&#8220;But I have not changed,&#8221; said the
+man. &#8220;I am just as when they saw me.&#8221;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;&#8220;Then you are a fool or the chief of
+sinners,&#8221; said St. Peter. &#8220;Behold a man
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_182' name='page_182'></a>182</span>
+as changeless as the flint-stone, who has
+made no friends in over forty years! That
+is all I need to know about you. Take
+either gate you please.&#8221;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;&#8220;One leads to Heaven&ndash;&ndash;doesn&#8217;t it?&#8221;
+said the new-comer, in great alarm.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;&#8220;Yes, but you wouldn&#8217;t recognize the
+place. There isn&#8217;t a soul in paradise that
+cares which way you go&ndash;&ndash;not a soul in all
+its multitude that will be glad to see you.
+They have better company. Stranger! go
+which way you please, Heaven will be as
+uncomfortable as hell.&#8221;</p>
+<p>&#8220;Deacon Joe gave me close attention,
+and I saw that my sword had nicked him a
+little. Anything that affected his hope of
+Paradise was sure to engage his thought.
+He shook his head, and said that he didn&#8217;t
+believe it. But he couldn&#8217;t fool me. I
+knew that the seed of change had struck
+into him.</p>
+<p>&#8220;I gave him another thrust. &#8216;Deacon,
+you knew Harry Delance when he was a
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_183' name='page_183'></a>183</span>
+fool. But the truth about <i>him</i> has changed.
+He is now a hard-working, level-headed
+young fellow, and you ought to be his
+friend.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Wal, I like the way he cuffed them
+fellers over at Trent,&#8217; said the Deacon.
+&#8216;He pounded &#8217;em noble&ndash;&ndash;that&#8217;s sartin.
+Mebbe if he licks a few more men I&#8217;ll begin
+to like him.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Give him a chance,&#8217; was my answer.
+&#8216;I hear that you are going to move for the
+summer.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Goin&#8217; to my island to-morrow,&#8217; said
+Deacon Joe. &#8216;I&#8217;m sick of the autymobiles
+an&#8217; the young spendthrifts hangin&#8217; around
+Marie, an&#8217; her extravagance, an&#8217; the new
+church nonsense, an&#8217; the other goin&#8217;s-on.
+I&#8217;ve got a good house there, an&#8217; Marie an&#8217;
+I are goin&#8217; to rest an&#8217; stroll around without
+bein&#8217; run over until her mother comes back.
+The only trouble I have there is the hired
+men. They rob me right an&#8217; left. I wish
+somebody would lick them.&#8217;</p>
+<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_184' name='page_184'></a>184</span></div>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;You really need a young man like
+Harry,&#8217; I urged. &#8216;And Marie needs him.
+She&#8217;ll be lonely over there.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Not a bit,&#8217; said the Deacon. &#8216;She&#8217;ll
+have a saddle-horse, and young Knowles
+can come over once a week, if he wants to.
+I hear he&#8217;s done splendid lately.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;He&#8217;s doing well, but I am inclined to
+think that Harry is the better man,&#8217; I said,
+taking sides for the first time.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;I don&#8217;t believe it,&#8217; was the answer of
+Deacon Joe. &#8216;Knowles is getting pretty
+sensible, and his voice is stronger.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;The Deacon moved next day, and when
+Sunday came I went over in a boat with
+the Reverend Robert at eight o&#8217;clock in
+the morning. I was taking a stroll on the
+beach when I met him, and he asked me to
+go along. It was just a social call, he explained.
+Incidentally, he was going to
+pray and read a Scripture lesson at the
+Deacon&#8217;s request. As we left the dock,
+Harry came riding by on one of his thoroughbreds
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_185' name='page_185'></a>185</span>
+and I waved my hand to him. When
+we got to the Deacon&#8217;s landing, I said to
+Robert:</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;As I am not invited, perhaps you had
+better announce me to Deacon Joe, while
+I stay here in the boat.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;All right,&#8217; he said, as he gaily jumped
+ashore and tied the painter rope.</p>
+<p>&#8220;Robert hurried in the direction of the
+little house, and had covered half the
+distance, when a bulldog came sneaking
+toward him. Robert saw the dog, and ran
+for a tree. He was making handsome progress
+up the trunk of the tree when the dog
+reached him, and, seizing a leg of his trousers,
+began to surge backward. The cloth parted
+at the knee, and between the pulling of
+man and dog, Robert lost about all the
+lower end of one trousers-leg. The hired
+man came running out with some more
+dogs, and said:</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;It&#8217;s all right, Mr. Knowles, you can
+come down. I hope he didn&#8217;t hurt you.&#8217;</p>
+<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_186' name='page_186'></a>186</span></div>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Excuse me,&#8217; said the young man, &#8216;but
+I think I&#8217;ll stay here a while.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;Three dogs stood at the foot of the
+tree looking anxiously upward.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;They won&#8217;t hurt you while I&#8217;m here,&#8217;
+said the hired man.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;I won&#8217;t take any chances,&#8217; said Robert.
+&#8216;Go shut up your lions, and I&#8217;ll come down.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Who&#8217;s that in the boat?&#8217; the hired man
+asked.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Mr. Potter,&#8217; said Robert.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Well, he mustn&#8217;t land &#8217;less the old man
+says so&ndash;&ndash;I don&#8217;t care who he is.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;Just then the hired man changed his
+position suddenly, and stood looking into
+the sky. I turned and saw an aeroplane
+coming down like some great bird from the
+hills, behind the village. It sailed high
+above the spires, and coasted down to a
+level some fifty feet above the water-plane
+between shore and island. In a minute
+or so it roared over me, circled the point,
+and came down in the open field that faced
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_187' name='page_187'></a>187</span>
+the Deacon&#8217;s cottage. Dogs and chickens
+flew and ran in great confusion as it swooped
+to earth. I knew that Harry and his new
+flier had reached the island of Deacon Joe,
+and I hurried ashore to see&ndash;&ndash;well, &#8216;to see
+what I could see,&#8217; as the old song has it.
+Harry jumped from his seat. The hired man
+ran toward him. Deacon Joe and Marie
+and a woman-servant hurried out-of-doors.</p>
+<p>&#8220;In less time than it takes to tell it,
+Harry had licked the hired man, and kicked
+two dogs in the belly till they ran for life,
+and shot another one, and was chasing a
+second hired man around the wood-shed.
+Not being able to run fast enough to do further
+damage, Harry came to the astonished
+group in front of the house and caught
+Marie in his arms and kissed her.</p>
+<p>&#8220;Then he turned to the Deacon, and said:
+&#8216;Sir, I will keep off your island if you wish,
+but I do not propose to be bluffed when I
+come to pay my compliments to you and
+Marie.&#8217;</p>
+<div class='figtag'>
+<a name='linki_7' id='linki_7'></a>
+</div>
+<div class='figcenter'>
+<img src='images/illus-188.jpg' alt='' title='' width='411' height='644' /><br />
+<p class='caption'>
+&#8220;HE LOOKED LIKE A MAN WITH A WOODEN LEG&#8221;<br />
+</p>
+</div>
+<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_188' name='page_188'></a>188</span></div>
+<p>&#8220;Deacon Joe was dumb with astonishment.
+The young minister came down
+out of his tree and walked slowly toward
+the group, with rags flapping over one extremity
+of his union-suit. He looked like
+a man with a wooden leg.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;How did ye get here?&#8217; Deacon Joe
+demanded of Harry.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Jumped from the top of Delance&#8217;s Hill
+and landed right here,&#8217; said the latter.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;In that awful-lookin&#8217; thing?&#8217; the
+Deacon asked, pointing with his cane and
+squinting at the big biplane.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;In that thing,&#8217; Harry answered.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;How long did it take ye?&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;About five minutes.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;It&#8217;s impossible,&#8217; said the Deacon, as
+he approached the biplane and began to
+look at it.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;But you&#8217;ll see me jump back again
+in a little while,&#8217; Harry assured him.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Geehanniker!&#8217; the Deacon exclaimed.
+&#8216;Jumped from the top of Delance&#8217;s Hill an&#8217;
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_189' name='page_189'></a>189</span>
+licked my caretaker an&#8217; chased a hired man
+an&#8217; sp&#8217;ilt two dogs an&#8217; treed the minister
+and kissed the lady o&#8217; the house&ndash;&ndash;all in
+about ten minutes. I guess you&#8217;re a good
+deal of a feller.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;It was the kind of thing that warmed
+the warrior soul of the Deacon.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Hello&ndash;&ndash;here&#8217;s a dead dog,&#8217; said Harry.
+&#8216;If you&#8217;ll have one of the men bring me a
+shovel I&#8217;ll bury him there in the garden.
+Meanwhile you may tell me how much
+I owe you for the two dogs.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;I guess about twenty-five dollars,&#8217;
+said the Deacon.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;How much off for cash?&#8217; Harry asked.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Wal, sir, if you ain&#8217;t goin&#8217; to ask me
+to charge it, ten dollars would do,&#8217; the
+Deacon allowed.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;There&#8217;s a wonderful power in cash,&#8217;
+said Harry, as he produced the money.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;You&#8217;re gettin&#8217; some sense in your
+head,&#8217; said the Deacon.</p>
+<p>&#8220;The shovel was brought; and Harry,
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_190' name='page_190'></a>190</span>
+who had expected to shoot a dog or two
+and had been practising for this very act,
+put his victim under three feet of soil in
+as many minutes. That also pleased the
+Deacon.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Purty cordy, too,&#8217; the latter said, as
+he turned to Marie. &#8216;Now, girl, take your
+choice. I want to know which is which,
+an&#8217; stop bein&#8217; bothered about it.&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;She made her choice then and there,
+and as to which of the two it may have been
+you will have no doubt when I tell you that
+Marie had planned every detail in this bit
+of strategy and Harry had been man
+enough to put it through.</p>
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;You know Zeb&#8217;s commandment has
+been a help to me,&#8217; he said, when I offered
+congratulations. &#8216;&#8220;Be brave with your life,
+for it is very long.&#8221;&#8217;</p>
+<p>&#8220;The Deacon has changed. His heart
+and mind are open. Every Sunday you
+may see him in a front seat, drinking at the
+new fount of inspiration; and it is a rule of
+<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_191' name='page_191'></a>191</span>
+his life to make a new friend every day.
+I&#8217;m inclined to think that the old man has
+been saved at last.</p>
+<p>&#8220;Yes, we try to reach everybody in one
+way or another.&#8221;</p>
+<p style='text-align:center;margin-top:1.5em;margin-bottom:1em'>THE END</p>
+
+<!-- generated by ppg.rb version: ppg0801 -->
+<!-- timestamp: Sat Aug 01 16:04:43 -0400 2009 -->
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of 'Charge It', by Irving Bacheller
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+</pre>
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+</body>
+</html>
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@@ -0,0 +1,4081 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of 'Charge It', by Irving Bacheller
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: 'Charge It'
+       Keeping Up With Harry
+
+Author: Irving Bacheller
+
+Release Date: August 1, 2009 [EBook #29568]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 'CHARGE IT' ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Roger Frank and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: "SHE WISHED ME TO SUGGEST SOMETHING FOR HER TO DO" [See
+page 56]]
+
+
+
+
+"CHARGE IT"
+
+OR
+
+KEEPING UP WITH HARRY
+
+A story of fashionable extravagance and of the
+successful efforts to restrain it made
+by The Honorable Socrates Potter
+the genial friend of Lizzie
+
+BY
+
+IRVING BACHELLER
+
+ILLUSTRATED
+
+HARPER & BROTHERS PUBLISHERS
+
+NEW YORK AND LONDON
+
+MCMXII
+
+
+
+
+Books by
+
+IRVING BACHELLER
+
+ Charge It. Ill'd. 12mo                         net $1.00
+ Keeping Up With Lizzie. Ill'd. Post 8vo         net 1.00
+ Eben Holden. Ill'd. Post 8vo                        1.50
+                                Edition de Luxe      2.00
+ Eben Holden's Last Day A-Fishing. 16mo               .50
+ Dri and I. Ill'd. Post 8vo                          1.50
+ Darrell of the Blessed Isles. Ill'd. Post 8vo       1.50
+ Vergilius. Post 8vo                                 1.35
+ Silas Strong. Post 8vo                              1.50
+ The Hand-Made Gentleman. Post 8vo                   1.50
+ In Various Moods. Poems. Post 8vo               net 1.00
+
+HARPER & BROTHERS, NEW YORK
+
+COPYRIGHT, 1912. BY HARPER & BROTHERS
+
+PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
+
+PUBLISHED SEPTEMBER, 1912
+
+K-M
+
+
+
+
+TO MY DEAR FRIEND
+
+LEDYARD PARK HALE
+
+ANOTHER HONEST LAWYER
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS
+
+ CHAP.                                                            PAGE
+    I. In Which Harry Swiftly Passes from One Stage of His
+           Career to Another                                         1
+   II. Which Begins the Story of the Bishop's Head                  11
+  III. Which Is the Story of the Pimpled Queen and the Black
+           Spot                                                     33
+   IV. In Which Socrates Encounters "New Thought" and
+           Psychological Hair                                       45
+    V. In Which Socrates Discusses the Over-Production of Talk      55
+   VI. In Which Betsey Commits an Indiscretion                      69
+  VII. In Which Socrates Attacks the Worst Doers and Best
+           Sellers                                                  75
+ VIII. In Which Socrates Attacks the Helmet and the Battle-Ax       84
+   IX. In Which Socrates Increases the Supply of Splendor           91
+    X. In Which Socrates Breaks the Drag and Tandem Monopoly in
+           Pointview                                                99
+   XI. In Which Sundry People Make Great Discoveries               106
+  XII. In Which Harry Is Forced to Abandon Swamp Fiction and
+           Like Follies and to Study the Geography and Natives
+           of a Land Unknown to Our Heiristocracy                  118
+ XIII. In Which the Minister Gets Into Love and Trouble            127
+  XIV. In Which Socrates Discovers a New Folly                     139
+   XV. In Which Harry Returns to Pointview and Goes to Work        148
+  XVI. Which Presents an Incident in Our Campaign Against New
+           New England                                             171
+ XVII. Which Presents a Decisive Incident in Our Campaign
+           Against Old New England                                 176
+
+
+
+
+ILLUSTRATIONS
+
+ "SHE WISHED ME TO SUGGEST SOMETHING FOR HER TO DO"       Frontispiece
+ "WHAT DIDN'T THEY SAY? THEY FLEW AT ME LIKE WILDCATS."             60
+ "'IT'S THE VAN ALSTYNE CREST,' I SAID. 'IT'S A PROOF OF
+     RESPECTABILITY.'"                                              86
+ "RADIANT IN SILK, LACE, DIAMONDS, PEARLS, AND RUBIES"              94
+ "HARRY'S PET COLLIE HAD COME UP TO THE BACK DOOR WITH A
+     HUMAN SKULL IN HIS MOUTH"                                     148
+ "HE LOOKED LIKE A MAN WITH A WOODEN LEG"                          188
+
+
+
+
+FOREWORD
+
+
+It may interest, if it does not comfort, the reader to know that
+this little story is built upon facts. The ride of Harry, the
+hundred-dollar pimple, the psychological hair, the downfall of Roger,
+all happened, while the Bishop's Head is one of the possessions of a
+New England family.
+
+                                                             I. B.
+
+
+
+
+"CHARGE IT"
+
+I
+
+IN WHICH HARRY SWIFTLY PASSES FROM ONE STAGE OF HIS CAREER TO ANOTHER
+
+
+"Harry and I were waiting for his motor-car," said the Honorable
+Socrates Potter. "He couldn't stand and wait--that would be
+losing time--so we kept busy. Went into the stores and bought
+things--violets, candy, golf-balls, tennis-shoes, new gloves, and
+neckties. Harry didn't need 'em, but he couldn't waste any time
+and--
+
+"'There's the car!'
+
+"In each store Harry had used the magic words, 'Charge it,' and passed
+on.
+
+"We were going over to Chesterville to settle with the contractor who
+had built his father's house. We had an hour and four minutes in which
+to do it all, and then--the 6.03 express for New York. Harry had to
+get it to be in time for a bridge party.
+
+"We climbed in. Harry grabbed the wheel. The gas-lever purred, the
+gears clicked, the car jumped into motion and rushed, screeching, up
+the hill ahead of us, shot between a trolley-car and a wagon, swung
+around a noisy runabout, scared a team into the siding, and sped
+away.
+
+"The town behind us! Country-houses on either side! A bulldog in the
+near perspective! He set himself, made a rush at us, as if trying to
+grab a wheel off the car, and the wheel got him. We flushed a lot of
+chickens. The air seemed to be full of them. Harry waved an apology to
+the farmer, as if to say:
+
+"'Never mind, sir, I'm in a hurry now. Take my number and charge
+it.'
+
+"'He struck a fowl, and, turning, I saw a whirl of feathers in the air
+behind us and the farmer's fist waving above the dust.
+
+"Harry would have paid for the dog and the fowl in money but not in
+time--not even in a second of time! Harry had an engagement for a
+bridge party and must catch the 6.03 express.
+
+"A man on a bicycle followed by a big greyhound was just ahead. We
+screeched. The man went into the ditch and took a header. The
+greyhound didn't have time to turn out then. He bent to the oars until
+he had gained lead enough to save himself with a sidelong jump into
+the buttercups.
+
+"'Charge it!'
+
+"The needle on the speedometer wavered from fifty to fifty-five, then
+struck at sixty, held a second there, and passed it. Gnats and flies
+hit my face and stung like flying shot. The top of the road went up in
+a swirl of dust behind us. I hung on, with my life in my trembling
+hands. We zipped past teams and motor-cars.
+
+"We filled every eye with dust and every ear with screeches and every
+heart with a swift pang of terror.
+
+"'Charge it!'
+
+"A rider with a frightened horse raced on ahead of us to the next
+corner. We sped across the track into Chesterville and--
+
+"'Hold up! There's the office ahead.'
+
+"The levers move, down goes the brake, and we're there.
+
+"'Eleven miles in fourteen minutes!' Harry exclaims, as I spring out
+and hurry to the door. It was really sixteen minutes, but I always
+allow Harry a slight discount.
+
+"'Not in!' I shout, in a second.
+
+"'Not in--heart of Allah!--where is he?'
+
+"'At the Wilton job on the point.'
+
+"'We'll go get him.'
+
+"'You go; I'll wait here.'
+
+"Away he rushes--I thank God for the brief respite. This high power
+encourages great familiarity with the higher powers. But the Creator's
+name is used here in no light or profane spirit, let me say. In each
+case it is only a brief prayer or, rather, the beginning of a prayer
+which one has not time to finish. It is cut short by a new adventure.
+
+"I say to myself that I shall not ride back with Harry. No, life is
+still dear to me. I will take the trolley. And yet--what thrilling,
+Jove-like, superhuman deviltry it was! I light a cigar and sit down.
+Harry and Wilton arrive. Fifteen minutes gone!
+
+"I get down to business.
+
+"Harry says: 'Please cut it short.'
+
+"I could have saved five hundred dollars if I had had time to present
+our side of the case with proper deliberation. But Harry keeps
+shouting:
+
+"'Do cut it short. I _must_ get there--don't you know?'
+
+"Wilton must have his pay, too--he needs every cent of it to-morrow.
+
+"'You go on. I'll stay here and settle this matter and go home by the
+trolley.'
+
+"'Let's stick together,' my young friend entreats. 'Please hurry it
+through and come on with me. I need you.'
+
+"Harry must have company. His time is wasted unless he has a
+spectator--an audience--a witness--a historian. Without that, all his
+hair-breadth escapes would be thrown away. His stories would hang by a
+thread.
+
+"'We've only twenty-one minutes,' he calls.
+
+"I say to myself: 'Damn the man whose money is like water and whose
+time is more precious than the last hour of Mahomet.' Well, of course,
+there was plenty of money, but the supply of time was limited. To
+waste a second was to lose an opportunity for self-indulgence.
+
+"I draw a check and take a hurried receipt and jump in.
+
+"Away we go. 'Look out!'
+
+"The brakes grind, and we rise in the air a little as a small boy
+crosses our bows. We just missed him--thank God!
+
+"'Don't be reckless, old man--go a bit slower.'
+
+"'It's all right. We've a clear road now.'
+
+"What a wind in our faces! There's the track ahead.
+
+"'_Look out! The train! God Almighty!_'
+
+"I spoke too late. We were almost up to the rails when I saw it. We
+couldn't stop. Cleared the track in time. Felt the wind of the engine
+in my back hair, and then my scalp moved. Just ahead was a light buggy
+in the middle of the road and a bull, frightened by the cars,
+galloping beside it.
+
+"In the excitement Harry hadn't time to blow, and the roar of the
+train had covered our noise. The bull turned into the ditch and
+speeded up. We swerved between bull and buggy and grazed the side of
+the latter.
+
+"I jumped and landed on the bull, and that saved me. It's the first
+time that I ever knocked a bull down. He got to his feet swiftly
+beside me, bellowed, and took the fence. He was a fat, well-fed bull
+with a big, round, soft side on him. I never knew that a bull was so
+mellow. My feet sank deep, and he gave way, and I hit him again with
+another part of my person. I didn't mean it, and felt for him,
+although it is likely that his feelings needed no further help from
+me. Of course I bounded off him at last and the earth hit me a hard
+upper-cut, but the bull had been a highly successful shock absorber.
+In a second or so I was able to get up and look around. The buggy had
+gone over, and the horse was on his hind legs trying to climb out of
+the dust-cloud.
+
+"Harry stopped his car and began to back up.
+
+"'That'll do for me,' I said. 'I don't sit in your padded cell any
+longer.'
+
+"I had lived a whole three-volume novel in the last forty minutes. The
+Panama Canal had been finished and England had become a republic. It
+was too much.
+
+"We found two men--one at the head of the frightened horse, the other
+lying beside the wrecked buggy with a broken leg.
+
+"And Harry had an engagement to play bridge!
+
+"I took the horse's head. The well man pulled a stake off the fence
+and chased Harry around the motor-car. He didn't intend to 'charge
+it.' Wanted cash down. I got hold of his arm and succeeded in calming
+him.
+
+"Harry apologized and assured them that he was willing to pay the
+damage. We picked up the injured man and took him to his home. On the
+way Harry explained that they should keep track of all expenses and:
+
+"'Charge it.'
+
+"In a few minutes Harry roared off in the direction of Pointview to
+get a doctor and the 6.03 express.
+
+"'It might be a little late,' he said, as he left us.
+
+"The next day Harry was arrested as a public enemy for criminal
+carelessness. He had injured three men on the highways of Connecticut,
+to say nothing of dogs and poultry. Almost everybody had something
+charged against Harry. He was highly unpopular, but a good fellow at
+heart.
+
+"I got the judge to release him on his promise to abandon motoring for
+three years.
+
+"Thus he rushed out of the motor-car stage of his career into that of
+the drag and tandem.
+
+"He had had more narrow escapes and suffered greater perils than Rob
+Roy.
+
+"Yes, bulls are a good thing--a comparatively soft thing. I recommend
+them to every motorist who may have to look for a place to land. Don't
+ever throw yourself on the real estate of New England. It can hit
+harder than you can."
+
+
+
+
+II
+
+WHICH BEGINS THE STORY OF THE BISHOP'S HEAD
+
+
+"Harry is the most modern character in my little museum," said the
+Honorable Socrates Potter, as I sat with him in his cozy office. "I
+was really introduced to Harry by the Bishop of St. Clare, who died in
+1712. I didn't know his heart until the Bishop made us acquainted.
+Strange! Well, that depends on the point of view. You see, the Bishop
+was acquired and imported as an ancestor by one of the best families,
+and that's how I happened to meet him. They would have got William the
+Conqueror--of England and Fifth Avenue--if he hadn't been well
+hidden.
+
+"I am inclined to converse long and loudly on the reconstruction of
+Pointview. Of course I shall talk too much, but I am a licensed liar,
+and the number of my machine is 4227643720, so if I smash a dog here
+and there, make a note of the number and charge it. I'm going fast and
+shall not have time to stop for apologies.
+
+"In Pointview even Time has quickened his pace. Last year is ancient
+history. Lizzie has been succeeded by Miss Elizabeth, who needs a
+maid, a chauffeur, a footman, and a house-party to maintain her
+spirits. Harry and his drag have taken the place of Dan and his
+runabout.
+
+"The enemy has arrived in force. We are surrounded by country-houses
+and city abdomens of appalling size and arrogance. Mansions crown the
+slopes and line the water-front. The dialect of the lazy Yankee and
+his industrious hens are heard no more in the hills of Pointview.
+Where the hoe and the sickle were stirred by the fear of hunger, the
+golf-club and the tennis-racket are moved by the fear of fat. The
+sweat of toil is now the perspiration of exercise. The chatter of
+society has succeeded that of the goose and the polliwog. Land has
+gone up. Rocks have become real estate even while they belonged to
+Christian Scientists. Ledges, smitten by the modern Moses, have gushed
+a stream of gold. Once the land supported its owner. Now wealth
+supports land and landlord and the fullness thereof. The Fifth Avenue
+farmer has begun to raise his own vegetables at a dollar apiece and a
+crop of criminals second to none. In his hands farming becomes
+agriculture and the farm a swarming nest of parasites.
+
+"We are in the midst of a new migration from the cities back to the
+land, and all are happy save the philosophers. It is a remote reaction
+of former migrations to the mines and the oil-fields. The descendants
+of these very pioneers now seek to exchange a part of their gold for
+the ancient sod in which are the roots of their family trees and
+delusions.
+
+"With these rich men came Henry Delance, who grew up with me here and
+went to Pittsburg in his early twenties and made a fortune in the coal
+and iron business. His grandfather was old Nick Delance, a blacksmith;
+and his father owned a farm on the hills and made a bare living for
+himself and a large family. They had been simple, hard-working, honest
+people. I helped Henry to buy the old place, and, as we stood together
+on the hilltop, he said to me:
+
+"'I often think of the old days that were full of hard labor. What a
+woman my mother was! Did all the work of the house and raised seven
+boys and two girls, and every one of them has had some success in the
+world--except me. One built a big railroad, one was governor of a
+State, one a member of Congress, one a noted physician, two have made
+millions, and both of the girls married well. Now, my boy has had
+every advantage--'
+
+"'But poverty,' I suggested.
+
+"'But poverty,' he repeated, 'and I'm unable to give him that. It's
+probably the one thing that would make a man of him, and I wouldn't
+wonder if he succeeded in achieving it.'
+
+"'A rather large undertaking,' I said.
+
+"'Yes, but he's well qualified,' Henry answered, with a smile.
+
+"'What's the matter with your boy?' I asked.
+
+"'So busy with tomfoolery--no time for anything else. I've had so much
+to do that I've rather neglected Harry, and now he's too much for me.
+He knows that he's got me beat on education, but that's only the
+beginning of what he knows. Good fellow, you understand, but he's
+young and thinks me old-fashioned. I wish you'd help me to make a man
+of him.'
+
+"'What can I do?'
+
+"'Get him interested in some kind of work. He doesn't like my
+business. He hates Wall Street, and, knowing it as I do, how can I
+blame the boy? He doesn't take to the law--'
+
+"'And, knowing it as I do, how can _I_ blame him?' I interrupted.
+
+"'But, somehow, he hasn't the spring in his bow that I had--the
+get-up-and-get--the disposition to move all hell if necessary.'
+
+"'You can't expect it,' I said. 'His mainspring is broken.'
+
+"'What would you call his mainspring?' he asked.
+
+"'The desire to win money and its power. Mind you, I wouldn't call
+that a high motive, but in a young man it's a kind of a mainspring
+that sets him a-going and keeps the works busy until he can get better
+motive power. In Harry it's broken.'
+
+"'You're right--it was busted long ago,' said Henry Delance.
+
+"'Some one has got to contrive a new mainspring for the sons of
+millionaires--they're so plenty these days.'
+
+"'There's the desire to be respectable,' he suggested.
+
+"'But it is not nearly so universal as the love of money. If it were
+possible to have millionaire carpenters and shoemakers there'd be more
+hope! But I'll try to invent a mainspring for Harry. If he doesn't
+marry some fool woman there's a chance for the boy--a good chance.
+Tell me all about him.'
+
+"In his own way, which amused me a little, the old man sketched the
+character of his son, or rather confessed it.
+
+"'A kind of Alexander the Great,' he said. 'We shall have to be
+careful or lose our heads. Surfeited with power, you know. When he
+wants anything he goes to a store and says, "Charge it." That has
+ruined him. He's no scale of values in his mind.'
+
+"He told me, then, with some evidence of alarm, that Harry had become
+interested in a fool woman, older than he, noted for her beauty and
+equestrian skill--by name Mrs. Revere-Chalmers, of a well-known
+Southern family. I knew the woman--divorced from a rich old gentleman
+of great generosity, who had taken all the blame for her sake. But I
+happened to know that the circumstances on her side were not
+creditable. The truth, however, had been well concealed.
+
+"In her youth Frances Revere had two beautiful parents. In fact, they
+were all that any girl could desire--obedient and respectful to their
+youngers. She was always kind to them and kept them looking neatly and
+helped them in their lessons and brought them up in the fear of
+Tiffany and the hope of future happiness. They played most of the
+time, but never chased each other in and out of the bedrooms or made
+any noise about the house when she lay sleeping in the forenoon. Their
+sense of chivalry would not have permitted it. When she arose she
+called them to her and patted their heads and said: 'What dear parents
+I have!' It might be thought that the fair Frances led an aimless and
+idle life. Not so. The young lady was very busy and never forgot her
+aim. She was preparing herself to be a marryer of men and the leading
+marryer in the proud city of her birth. Every member of the household
+became her assistant in this noble industry. Many storekeepers had
+unconsciously joined her staff and 'charged it' until they were weary.
+All her papa's money had been invested in the business, and he began
+to borrow for a rainy day. Then there came a long spell of wet
+weather. At last something had to be done. Frances began to use her
+talents. No prince or noble duke had come for her, so she married an
+old man worth ten million dollars and sent her parents to an orphan
+asylum with a fair allowance of spending-money. They are her only
+heirs, and now, at thirty, but with ample capital, she has set up
+again in the marrying business.
+
+"She lives in a big country-house, and has a lot of cats and dogs that
+are shampooed every day. Her life is pretty much devoted to the
+regulation of hair. Her own requires the exclusive attention of a
+hired girl. Its tint, luster, and general effect show excellent taste
+and close application. Considering its area, her scalp is the most
+remarkable field of industry in Connecticut. Has herself made into a
+kind of life-sized portrait every day and carefully framed and lighted
+and hung. It is a beautiful portrait, but it is not a portrait of
+her.
+
+"Her life is arduous. I have some reason to think that it wearies her.
+She rings for the masseuse at 10.30 A.M. and breakfasts in bed at
+twelve o'clock. Soon after that the chiropodist and the manicure and
+the hair-dresser begin to saw wood; then the grooms and second
+footmen. At two o'clock she goes out to pat the head of the
+ten-thousand-dollar bull and give some sugar to the horses, all of
+whom have been prepared for this ordeal by bathing and massage.
+
+"It's great to be able to pat the head of a ten-thousand-dollar bull.
+It's a pretty vanity. All the Fifth Avenue farmers indulge in it. Some
+slap them on the back and some poke them in the ribs with the point of
+a parasol, but the correct thing is to pat them on the head and say:
+Dear old Romeo!
+
+"After a turn in the saddle Mrs. Revere-Chalmers led society until
+midnight. With her a new spirit had arrived in the ancient stronghold
+of the Yankee.
+
+"I began to learn things about Harry--a big, blond, handsome youth who
+had traveled much. He had been to school in New York, London,
+Florence, and Paris, and had graduated from Harvard. For a time he
+called it Hahvud, but passed that trouble without serious injury and
+put it behind him. In the European stage of his career he had been
+attacked by lions, griffins, and battle-axes and had lost some of his
+red blood. There he had acquired a full line of Fifth Avenue dialect
+and conversation with trills and grace notes from France and Italy. He
+had been slowly recovering from that trouble for a year or so when I
+met him. Now and then a good, strong, native idiom burst out in his
+conversation.
+
+"Harry was a man without a country, having never had a fair chance to
+acquire one. He had touched many high and low places--from the top of
+the Eiffel Tower to the lowest depths of the underworld. Also, he knew
+the best hotels in Europe and eastern America, and the Duke of
+Sutherland and the Lord Mayor of London, and Jack Johnson, the
+pugilist. Harry knew only the upper and lower ends of life.
+
+"He was an extremist. Also, he was a prolific and generous liar. He
+lied not to deceive, but to entertain. There was a kind of noble
+charity in his lying. He would gladly perjure his soul to speed an
+hour for any good friend. His was the fictional imagination largely
+exercised in the cause of human happiness. Now and then he became the
+hero of his own lies, but he was generally willing to divide the
+honors. His friends knew not when to believe him, and he often
+deceived them when he was telling the truth.
+
+"Early in April, Henry Delance came to me and said: 'Soc, you've been
+working hard for years, and you need a rest. Let's get aboard the next
+steamer and spend a fortnight in England.'
+
+"I had little taste for foreign travel, but Betsey urged me to go, and
+I went with Henry and his wife, their daughter Ruth and the boy Harry,
+and sundry maids and valets. We had been a week in London, when Henry
+and the Mrs. came into my room one day, aglow with excitement. Mrs.
+Delance was first to address me.
+
+"'Mr. Potter, congratulate us,' said she. 'We find that Henry is a
+lineal descendant of William the Conqueror.'
+
+"'Henry, it is possible that William could prove an alibi, or maybe
+you could,' I suggested.
+
+"'I'd make an effort,' said he, with a trace of embarrassment, 'but my
+wife thinks that we had better plead guilty and let it go. That kind
+of thing doesn't interest me so much as it does her.'
+
+"'After all,' I answered, by way of consolation, 'if you think it's
+like to do you any harm, it doesn't need to get out. I shall respect
+your confidence.'
+
+"'Too late!' his wife exclaimed. 'The facts have been cabled to
+America.'
+
+"I was writing letters in my room, next day, when Harry interrupted me
+with a hurried entrance. He locked the door inside, and in a kind of
+playful silence drew from under his rain-coat, and deposited on my
+table, a human skull.
+
+"'The Bishop of St. Clare,' he whispered, in that curious dialect
+which I shall not try to imitate.
+
+"'He isn't looking very well,' I said, not knowing what he meant.
+
+"'This is the Bishop's head--the Bishop of St. Clare,' Harry whispered
+again. 'He was one of our ancestors--by Jove!'
+
+"'Is that all that was the matter with him?' I asked.
+
+"'No; his epitaph says that he died of a fever in 1712.'
+
+"'How did you get hold of his head?' I asked. 'Win it in a raffle?'
+
+"'I bribed the old verger in the crypt of St. Mary's. Offered him two
+sovereigns to lift the stone lid and let me look in. He said he
+couldn't do that, but discreetly withdrew when I put the money in his
+hand. It was up to me, don't you know, and here is the Bishop's
+head.'
+
+"'Going to have him photographed in a group of the family?' I asked.
+
+"'No, but you see Materna paid two pounds for a chunk off a tombstone,
+and I thought I would give her a souvenir worth having,' said he, and
+blushed for the first time since our interview had begun. 'This is
+unique.'
+
+"'And you didn't think the Bishop would miss it?' I suggested.
+
+"'Not seriously,' he answered. 'I guess it's a fool thing to have
+done, but I thought that I could have some fun with the Bishop's head.
+Mother is going to round up all the Delances at Christmas for a big
+dinner--uncles, aunts, and cousins, you know--a celebration of our
+genealogical discoveries with a great family tree in the center of the
+table. The history of the Delances will be read, and I thought that I
+would spring a surprise--tell them that I had invited our old
+ancestor, Sir Robert Delance, Bishop of St. Clare; that, contrary to
+my hope, he had accepted, and that I would presently introduce him. In
+due time I would produce the head and read from his life and writings,
+which I bought in a London book-stall. Finally, I thought that I would
+have him tell how he happened to be present. Don't you think he would
+make a hit?'
+
+"'He would surely make a hit--a resounding hit,' I said, 'but not as a
+proof of respectability. Even if the Bishop is your ancestor, you have
+no good title to his bones. I presume that every visitor to the old
+church puts his name and address in a register?'
+
+"'Yes.'
+
+"'Well, suppose the theft is discovered and the verger gives you away.
+All the money you've got wouldn't keep you out of prison.'
+
+"Harry began to turn pale. He was a good fellow, but this genealogical
+frenzy had turned his head, and his head was not as old as the
+Bishop's. It was unduly young.
+
+"'Assume that you get home with your prize, the Bishop's head would be
+the worst enemy that his descendants ever had. It would always accuse
+you and grin at your follies. And would you dare proclaim the truth
+over in Pointview that you really have the skull of the Bishop of St.
+Clare?'
+
+"The boy was scared. He had suddenly discovered an important fact. It
+was the north pole of his education.
+
+"'By Jove! I'm an ass,' he said. 'What shall I do with it?'
+
+"'Say nothing of the thing to anybody, not even to your father, and
+get rid of it.'
+
+"'That's what I'll do,' he said, as he wrapped the skull in a piece of
+newspaper, hid it under his coat, and left me.
+
+"We sailed next afternoon, and that evening, when Harry and I sat
+alone in a corner of the deck, I asked him what he had done with the
+Bishop's head.
+
+"'Tried to get rid of it, but couldn't,' he said. 'My conscience
+smote me, and I took the old bone back to St. Mary's. Going to do
+my duty like a man, you see, but it wouldn't work. New verger on the
+job! I weakened. Then I put it in a box and had it addressed to a
+fictitious man in Bristol, and sent my valet to get it off by
+express. It went on, and was returned for a better address. You see,
+my valet--officious ass!--had left his address at the express office.
+How _gauche_ of him! While we were lying at the dock a messenger
+came to my state-room with the Bishop's head. I had to take it and
+pay five shillings and a sixpence for the privilege.'
+
+"'The old Bishop seems to be quite attached to his new relative,' I
+said.
+
+"'Yes, but when the deck is deserted, by and by, I'm going to drop him
+overboard.'
+
+"And that is what he did--dropped it, solemnly, from the ship's side
+at dinnertime, and I witnessed the proceeding.
+
+"The adventure had one result that was rather curious and unexpected.
+It brought Harry close to me and established our relations to each
+other. That they admitted me to his confidence as a friend and
+counselor of the utmost frankness was on the whole exceedingly
+fortunate. From that time he began to trust me and to distrust
+himself.
+
+"So it happened that I was really introduced to Harry by the Bishop of
+St. Clare, who died in 1712, and those credentials gave me a standing
+which I could not otherwise have enjoyed.
+
+"Coming home, I limbered up my imagination and outlied Harry.
+
+"I was forced to invent that cheerful, handy liar the late Dr. Godfrey
+Vogeldam Guph, Professor of the Romance Languages in the University of
+Brague and the intimate friend of any great man you may be pleased to
+mention. With his help I have laid low even the most authoritative,
+learned, and precise liars in the State of Connecticut. I do it by
+quoting from his memoirs.
+
+"Harry's specialty were lies of adventure in court and palace, and, as
+Dr. Guph had known all the crowned heads, he became an ever-present
+help in time of trouble.
+
+"Every lie of Harry's I outdid with another of ampler proportions. He
+put on a little more steam, but I kept abreast or a length ahead of
+him. By and by he broke down and begged for quarter.
+
+"'On my word as a gentleman,' said he, 'that last story I told was
+true. It really happened, don't you know?'
+
+"'Well, Harry, if you will only notify me when you propose to tell the
+truth, I shall be glad to take your word for it,' was my answer.
+
+"'And keep Dr. Guph chained,' said he.
+
+"'Exactly, and give you like warning when I have a lie ready to
+launch.'
+
+"'That's a fair treaty,' he agreed.
+
+"'And a good idea,' I said. 'As a liar of long experience I have found
+it best to notify all comers what to expect of me when I see a useful
+lie in the offing. That has enabled me to give my fancy full play
+without impairing my reputation. My noblest faculties have had ample
+exercise while my word has remained at par.'
+
+"We made an agreement along that line, and Harry ceased to be a liar,
+and became a story-teller of much humor and ingenuity."
+
+
+
+
+III
+
+WHICH IS THE STORY OF THE PIMPLED QUEEN AND THE BLACK SPOT
+
+
+"Well, on our return, Mrs. Delance had a helmet and a battle-ax, with
+sundry accessories, emblazoned on her letter-heads and the doors of
+her limousine. Here was another case of charge it, but this time it
+was charged against her slender capital of good sense. Mrs. Delance
+was a stout lady of the Dreadnought type. Harry settled down in the
+home of his father and began to study the 'middle clahsses' with a
+drag and tandem and garments for every kind of leisure. The girls went
+to ride with him, and naturally began to smarten their dress and
+accents and to change their estimates. His 'aristocratic' friends and
+manners were much in their company and ever in their dreams.
+
+"Of course, all that began to react on the young men: if that was the
+kind of thing the girls liked, they must try to be in it. Slowly but
+surely a Pointview aristocracy began its line of cleavage and a
+process of integration. Crests appeared on the letter-heads and
+limousine doors of the newly rich. In a month or so people of brain
+and substance degenerated into a condition of hardened shameless
+idiocy.
+
+"Some of our best citizens went abroad, each to find his place among
+the descendants of William the Conqueror. Suddenly I discovered that
+the clerk in my office was ashamed to be seen on the street with a
+package in his hands.
+
+"Our young men began to long for wealth and leisure. They grew
+impatient of the old process of thrift and industry. It was too slow.
+Many of them opened accounts in Wall Street.
+
+"Young Roger Daniels had some luck there and began to advertise the
+fact with a small steam-yacht and a cruise. We were going as hard as
+ever to keep up, but on higher levels of aspiration. The girls were
+engaged in a strenuous contest for the prize of Harry's favor, with
+that handsome young _divorcee_ well in the lead.
+
+"Roger and his party were about to return from their cruise, and Harry
+was to give them a ball at the Yacht Club.
+
+"The day before the ball our best known physician came to see Mrs.
+Potter, who was ill, and cheered us up with a story. The Doctor was
+young, attractive, and able. He had threatened every appendix in
+Pointview, and had a lot of inside information about our men and
+women--especially the latter. He looked weary.
+
+"'Yesterday was a little hard on me,' he said. 'It began at four in
+the morning with a confinement case and ended at one A.M. There were
+two operations at the hospital, a steady stream at the office, and a
+twenty-mile ride over the hills. Got back in the evening pretty well
+worn out. Tumbled into bed at two minutes of eleven, and was asleep
+before the clock struck. The 'phone-bell at my bedside awoke me. I let
+it go on for a minute. Hadn't energy enough to get up. It rang and
+rang. Out I tumbled.
+
+"'Hello!' I said.
+
+"'A voice answered. "I am Mrs. So-and-So's butler," it said. "She
+wishes to see you as soon as you can get here. It's very urgent."
+
+"'"What's the matter?"
+
+"'"Don't know, sir, but it is serious."
+
+"'"All right," I said.
+
+"'My chauffeur was off for the night, so I 'phoned to the stable and
+got Patrick and told him to hitch up the black mare at once, dressed,
+and took everything that I was likely to need in an emergency, got
+into the wagon, and hurried away in the darkness. After all, I
+thought, it is something to have one's skill so much in request by the
+rich and the powerful. It was a long ride with one horse-power, but we
+got there.
+
+"'Many windows of the great house were aglow. The first butler met me
+in the hall and took me to my lady's chamber--an immense room finished
+in the style of the First Empire. She was half reclining and playing
+solitaire as she smoked a cigarette on a divan that occupied a dais
+overhung with rare tapestries on a side of the room. The effect of the
+whole thing was queenly--_a la_ Recamier. She greeted me wearily and
+without rising.
+
+"'"Sit down," said she, and I did so.
+
+"'She turned to a good-looking maid who timidly stood near the divan.
+
+"'"My dear little woman, you weary me--please go," she said.
+
+"'The maid went.
+
+"'"Dawctah," the lady said to me, "I have a nahsty little pimple on
+my right cheek, and I really cahn't go to the ball, you know, unless
+it is cuahed. Won't you kindly--ah--see what can be done?"
+
+"'"A pimple! God prosper it!" I said to myself. "Has the great M.D.
+become a P.D.--a mere doctor of pimples?"
+
+"'I inspected the pimple--a very slight affair.
+
+"'"Why, if I were you, I'd just cover the pimple with a little square
+of court-plaster," I said. "It would become you."
+
+"'"What a pretty idea! That's just what I will do," she exclaimed.
+
+"'"Please charge it, Dawctah," she said, wearily, as she resumed her
+solitaire.
+
+"'I charged a hundred dollars, but nothing could pay me for the
+humiliation I suffered. Going home, I pounded the mare shamefully.'
+
+"'You charged a good price,' I said.
+
+"'Yes; but it's like pulling teeth to get any money out of her. One
+has to earn it twice. Worth a million, and hangs everybody up. Some
+have to sue.'
+
+"'Does nothing to-day that can be done to-morrow,' I said.
+
+"'True,' said he; 'she don't look after her business, and thinks that
+every one is trying to cheat her.'
+
+"'Same old story,' was my remark. I was her husband's lawyer. 'Well,
+dear, how much do you suppose McCrory's bill is for the last month?'
+he would ask her. She would look thoughtful and say: 'Oh, about
+fifteen hundred dollars.' 'My dear,' he would go on, 'it is ten
+thousand six hundred and forty-three dollars and twenty-four cents.'
+'Oh, that's impossible,' she would answer. 'There's some mistake about
+it. I'll never O.K. such a bill. It's an outrage!' But the bill was
+always right.
+
+"'I didn't suppose you would know the lady--I haven't mentioned her
+name,' said the Doctor.
+
+"'I know her, but don't worry--I shall not betray your confidence. I
+knew her husband. It wore him out looking after the charge-it
+department. Now she's trying to get Harry Delance for his job.'
+
+"'She's badly in need of a clerk,' said the Doctor, 'and I hope she
+gets one. He could look after the pimples as well as I can.'
+
+"Many were getting ready for the ball, but this lady was the only one
+I knew of who had spent a hundred dollars for facial improvement.
+Harry, however, was about to spend a thousand dollars for the
+improvement of his conscience. It was one of the necessary expenses
+and it came about in this way:
+
+"The day of the ball had arrived. Harry came to see me about noon. He
+said that he had been busy all the morning with preparations for the
+ball, but--
+
+"He showed me a telegram. It was from Roger Daniels, and it said:
+
+"'The recent slump in the market has put me in hell's hole. Please
+wire one thousand dollars to Bridgeport, where I am hung up. If you
+do, I shall give you good collateral and eternal gratitude. If you
+don't, we shall have to miss the ball. Please remember that I am
+waiting at the other end of the wire like a hungry cat at a
+mouse-hole.'
+
+"Harry looked worried. The ball must come off, and, without Roger, it
+would be like Hamlet minus the melancholy Dane. It was a special
+compliment to Roger.
+
+"'What do you advise me to do?' he asked.
+
+"'Pay it.'
+
+"'It will probably be a dead loss.'
+
+"'Probably, but it's plainly up to you. He's got in trouble keeping
+your pace. To tell the honest truth, you're responsible for it, and
+the public will charge it to your account. You must pay the bill or
+suffer moral bankruptcy.'
+
+"Harry was taken by surprise.
+
+"'But I can pay for _my_ folly,' he said.
+
+"'Yes; but when it becomes another man's folly it's stolen property,
+and as much yours as ever. The goods have your mark on 'em, and, by
+and by, they're dumped at your door. They may be damaged by dirt and
+vermin, but you've got to take 'em.
+
+"'After all, Harry, why should a young man whose education has cost
+a hundred thousand dollars, if a cent, be giving up his life to
+folly? You're too smart to spend the most of your time looking
+beautiful--trying to excite the admiration of women and the envy
+of men. That might do in some of the old countries where the
+people are as dumb as cattle and are capable only of the emotion of
+awe and need professional gentlemen to excite it, and to feed upon
+their substance. Here the people have their moments of weakness, but
+mostly they are pretty level-headed. They judge men by what they do,
+not by what they look like. The professional gentleman is first an
+object of curiosity and then an object of scorn. He's not for us.
+Young man, I knew your father and your grandfather. I like you and
+want you to know that I am speaking kindly, but you ought to go to
+work.'
+
+"'Mr. Potter, he said, 'upon my word, sir, I'm going to work one of
+these days--at something--I don't know what.'
+
+"'The sooner the better,' I said. 'Work is the thing that makes
+men--nothing else. In Pointview everybody used to work. Now here are
+some facts for your genealogy that you haven't discovered. Your
+grandfather and grandmother raised a family of nine children and never
+had a servant--think of that. Your grandmother made clothes for the
+family and did all the work of the house. She was a doctor, a nurse, a
+teacher, a spinner, a weaver, a knitter, a sewer, a cook, a
+washerwoman, a gentle and tender mother. Now we are beginning to rot
+with idleness.
+
+"'Let me tell you a story of a modern lady of Pointview.'
+
+"Then I told him of the Doctor's call on the pimpled queen at
+midnight, and added:
+
+"'Think of that! Think of the fathomless depths of vanity and
+selfishness that lie under that pimple. It's a monument more sublime
+than the Matterhorn. Think of the poor fellow that has to marry that
+human millstone, and be the clerk of her charge-it department.'
+
+"'I can think of no worse luck, really,' said he. 'I wonder who it
+is!'
+
+"'Doctors never give names,' I said. 'But you might look for the
+little black square of court-plaster."
+
+"'By Jove!' he exclaimed. 'I shall look with interest.'
+
+"The ball came off, and Roger got there, and so did the lady and the
+square of black court-plaster; and that night Harry began a new stage
+in his career.
+
+"After all, Harry was no dunce, but he was not yet convinced."
+
+
+
+
+IV
+
+IN WHICH SOCRATES ENCOUNTERS "NEW THOUGHT" AND PSYCHOLOGICAL HAIR
+
+
+"When people have little to do they go back to childishness. They long
+for novelty--new playthings, new adventures, new sensations, new
+friends. So our upper classes are utterly restless. Every old pleasure
+is a slough of despond. The ladies have tried jewels, laces, crests,
+titled husbands, divorces, gambling, cocktails, cigarettes, and other
+branches of exhilaration. They have passed through the slums of
+literature and of the East Side of Gotham. The gentlemen have shown
+them the way and smiled with amusement and gone on to greater
+triumphs. To these people every old idea is 'bromide.' It bores them.
+They scoff at men 'who take themselves seriously.' In a word, Moses
+and the Prophets are so much 'dope.' And they are excellent people who
+really want to make the world better, but the childish craze for
+novelty is upon them. Mrs. Revere-Chalmers was one of this kind. Harry
+came to me next day at my house and said:
+
+"'By Jove! you know, it was my friend Mrs. R.-C. who wore the black
+square. But she is really a charming woman--not at all a bad sort. I
+want you to know her better. She made me promise to bring you over
+to-morrow afternoon if you would come.'
+
+"We went. It was a 'new-thought' tea--a deep, brain-racking,
+forefinger-on-the-brow function. You could see the thoughts of the
+ladies and sometimes hear them as a 'professor' with long hair and
+smiles of fathomless inspiration wrapped himself in obscurity and
+called unto them out of the depths. He was all depth. They gazed at
+his soulful eyes and plunged into deep thought, catching at straws,
+and he returned to New York by the next train and probably made
+another payment, on account, to his landlady. Tea and conversation
+followed his departure.
+
+"I had observed that Mrs. Revere-Chalmers had undergone a singular
+change of aspect, but failed to locate the point of difference until a
+sister had said to her in a tone of honeyed deviltry:
+
+"'My dear, you are growing younger--quite surely younger, and your
+hair is so lovely and so--different! You know what I mean--it has the
+luster of youth, and the shade is adorable without a trace of gray in
+it.'
+
+"This last phrase was the point of the dagger, and Mrs. Chalmers felt
+it. Sure enough, her hair had changed its hue, and was undeniably
+fuller and younger.
+
+"Then our hostess gave out a confession which has made some history
+and is fully qualified to make more. It is a curious fact that one who
+is abnormal enough to commit a crime is apt to have poor caution.
+
+"'I have been taking lessons of the Professor, and have produced this
+hair by concentration,' said she. 'It is a creation of the new thought
+and so wonderful I could almost forgive one for not believing me.'
+
+"'A gem of thought--a hair poem!' I could not help exclaiming. 'Did it
+come all at once, in a flood of inspiration, or hair by hair?'
+
+"'All at once,' she answered.
+
+"I charged it and went on as if nothing great had happened.
+
+"'Considered as a work of the imagination, it is wonderful, and should
+rank with the best of Shakespeare's,' I assured her. 'But it will
+subject you to unsuspected perils, for your footstool will be the
+shrine of the hairless and you shall see the top of every bald head
+in America.'
+
+"Another lady sprang to her assistance by telling how she had
+extracted a pearl necklace from an unwilling husband who had said that
+he couldn't afford it, by concentration. The new thought had fetched
+him.
+
+"The noble unselfishness with which they had used this miraculous gift
+of the spirit appealed to Harry and to me.
+
+"In that brilliant company was a slim woman of the armored cruiser
+type, who had come to Betsey one day and said:
+
+"'You're spoiling your husband. You make too much of him. You don't
+seem to know how to manage a husband, and the husbands of Pointview
+are being ruined by your example. They expect too much of us. We women
+have got to stand together. Don't you read the _Female Gazette_?'
+
+"'No--I have been waiting till I could get a rubber-plant and other
+accessories,' said Betsey.
+
+"'Well, it may not be _en regle_, but it is full of good sense,' said
+the lady. 'I've brought an article with me that I wish you would
+read.'
+
+"She left the article, and its title was 'How to Manage a Husband.' It
+averred that too much petting, too much indulgence, made a man selfish
+and conceited; that affection should be administered with scientific
+reserve. Men should be taught to wait on themselves, and all that.
+
+"They called on me for remarks, and I said:
+
+"'I am glad to have become acquainted with the power of concentration.
+I propose that we all quit work and begin to concentrate. Matter is
+only a creation of spirit. Let us exercise our several sovereign
+spirits and try to turn out a better line of matter. Let us have fewer
+rocks and stones and more comforts. Sweat and toil are a great
+mistake. Let us turn Delance's Hill into plum-pudding and the stones
+thereof into caramels and its pond into tomato-soup. Why not? They
+have no reality, no substance. They are nothing but thoughts--and our
+thoughts, at that--and why shouldn't we change 'em? But somehow we
+can't fetch it. According to the Professor, we have got into the habit
+of thinking in terms of rock, soil, and water, and we can't get over
+it. There are some few of us who stand for better things; but the
+majority keep thinking in the old rut, and we can't sway them. The
+Professor says that all we need is to get together and agree and then
+concentrate. But agreement doesn't seem to be necessary. You know that
+there was a time when everybody, after much concentration, agreed that
+the world was flat--everybody but one man. Now the world was stubborn.
+It wouldn't give up. It hung on to its roundness, and let the people
+think what they pleased. They tried to flatten it with countless tons
+of concentration, but it held its shape. The one man had his way
+about it. So don't be discouraged by an adverse majority on this
+plum-pudding project. One lady has shown us a sample of concentrated
+hair, and it looks good to me. Why all this striving, all this trouble
+about the problems of life and death, when the straight, broad way of
+concentration is open to us? Why shouldn't we have concentrated bread
+and meat and shoes and socks and silks.
+
+"'Now the subject of concentration is by no means new. It has been a
+success for centuries. The late Dr. Guph tells in his memoirs of a
+singular race of people known as the Flub Dubs who once dwelt on the
+lost isle of Atlantis. They were the greatest concentrators that ever
+lived. Every one thought that he was the greatest man in the world,
+and thought it so hard and so persistently that it came true--in a
+way. Naturally they aimed high, and every man thought himself the
+rightful king, and a strife arose over the crown, so that no one
+could wear it and many were slain in a great tussle. And when they
+were resting from their struggles one rose and said: "Kings of the
+realm, you are as the dust under my feet. I scorn you. A few minutes
+ago I decided to reverse my concentrator and aim at a higher goal. It
+was easy of attainment. I have suddenly become the biggest fool on
+this island and the humblest of all men."
+
+"'The announcement was greeted with great applause, and within three
+minutes his popularity had so enhanced that they put him on the
+throne. Such was the power of truth. And all confessed and joined his
+party, and he was known as the wisest king of the Flub Dubs.
+
+"'The moral that Dr. Guph adduces is this: You cannot make figs out of
+thistles, and unregulated concentration leads to trouble.'
+
+"Harry and I started for home in a deep silence.
+
+"'Hell!' I exclaimed, presently.
+
+"'And that reminds me that I feel like the king of the Flub Dubs,'
+said Harry.
+
+"'Which indicates that you are likely to decline the office,' I
+remarked.
+
+"'It's serious business--this matter of finding a wife,' he declared.
+
+"'What's the matter with Marie Benson?' I asked. 'There's a real woman
+and the best-looking girl in Connecticut.'
+
+"'Charming girl!' he exclaimed. 'But, dear boy! she talks too much.'
+
+"'That is a fault that could be remedied; and, after all, it's a kind
+of generosity. It's the very opposite of concentration.'
+
+"'Ah--if she would only reform!' he said.
+
+"'Leave that to me,' I answered, as he dropped me at my door."
+
+
+
+
+V
+
+IN WHICH SOCRATES DISCUSSES THE OVER-PRODUCTION OF TALK
+
+
+"Marie was my ward, and as pretty a girl as ever led a bulldog or ate
+a box of chocolates at a sitting. She was a charming fish-hook, baited
+with beauty and wealth and culture and remarkable innocence. She had
+dangled about on mama's rod and line for a year or so, but the fish
+wouldn't bite. For that reason I grabbed the rod from the old lady and
+put on a bait of silence and a sinker, and moved to deep water and
+began to do business.
+
+"Marie had a failing, for which, I am sorry to say, she was in no way
+distinguished. She talked too much, as Harry had said. There are too
+many American women who talk too much. Marie's mother used to talk
+about six-thirds of the time. You had to hear it, and then you had to
+get over it. She had a way of spiking the shoes of Time so that every
+hour felt like a month while it was running over you. You ought to
+have seen her climb the family tree or the sturdy old chestnut of her
+own experience and shake down the fruit! Marie had one more tree in
+her orchard. She had added the spreading peach of a liberal education
+to the deadly upas of Benson genealogy and the sturdy old chestnut of
+mama's experience. The _vox Bensonorum_ was as familiar as the
+Congregational bell. The supply of it exceeded the demand, and after
+every one was loaded and ready to cast off, the barrels came rolling
+down the chute.
+
+"The next time I saw Marie she was a bit cast down. She wished me to
+suggest something for her to do. Said she wanted a mission--a chance
+to do some good in the world. Thought she'd enjoy being a nurse. I
+felt sorry for the girl, and suddenly I saw the flicker of a brilliant
+thought.
+
+"'Marie,' I said, 'as a member of The Society of Useful Women you are
+under a serious obligation, and you have taste for missionary work.
+Well, what's the matter with beginning on Nancy Doolittle? You owe her
+a duty and ought to have the courage--nay, the kindness--to perform
+it. Nancy talks too much.'
+
+"'Well, I should say so,' said Marie. 'Nancy is a scourge--I have
+often thought of it.'
+
+"'She's downright wasteful,' I went on. 'She fills every hour with
+information, and then throws on some more. It keeps coming. Your seams
+open, and then it's every hand to the pumps! Dora Perkins and Rebecca
+Ford are just as extravagant. They toss out gems of thought and
+chunks of knowledge as if they were as common as caramels.
+
+"'You should go to these girls and kindly but firmly remind them of
+this fault. Tell them that too much conversation has created more old
+maids and grass and parlor widows than any other cause. Give them a
+little lecture on the old law of supply and demand. Show them that it
+applies to conversation as well as to cabbages--that if one's talk is
+too plentiful, it becomes very cheap. Suggest that if Methuselah had
+lived until now and witnessed all the adventures of the human race, he
+couldn't afford to waste his knowledge. If he talked only half the
+time nobody would believe him. They'd think he was crazy, and they'd
+know why, in past ages, everybody had died but him, and they'd wonder
+how he had managed to survive the invention of gunpowder. These girls
+have overestimated the value of good-will. Their securities are not
+well secured. There are millions of watered stock in their
+treasuries, and it isn't worth five cents on the dollar. Marie, you
+can have a lot of fun. I almost envy you.
+
+"'Tell these girls that the remedy is simple. They must be careful to
+regulate the supply to the demand. They could easily raise the price
+above par by denying now and then that they have any conversation in
+the treasury.'
+
+"Marie promised to undertake this important work, and I knew that in
+connection with it she would also get some valuable advice.
+
+"You see, this tendency to extravagant display has sunk in very deep.
+Our young people really do know a lot, and they want others to know
+that they know it. They are plumed with culture, and it has become a
+charge instead of a credit.
+
+"Well, things began to mend. Betsey and I went to dine with the
+Bensons one evening, and Marie was as quiet as a lamb. She answered
+modestly when we spoke to her. She told no stories; her jeweled crown
+of culture was not in sight; she listened with notable success, and
+delighted us with well-managed and illuminating silence. Neither she
+nor her mother nor Mrs. Bryson ventured to interrupt the talk of a
+noted professor who dined with us. Marie was charming.
+
+"After dinner she led me into the library, where we sat down
+together.
+
+"She seemed a little embarrassed, and presently said, with a laugh, 'I
+had a talk with those girls, as you suggested.'
+
+"'What did they say?' I asked.
+
+"'What didn't they say?' she exclaimed. 'They flew at me like
+wildcats. They tore me to pieces--said I was the most dreaded talker
+in Pointview, that I had talked a steady stream ever since I was born,
+that nobody had a chance to get in a word with me, that I had made all
+the boys sick who ever came to see me. What do you think of that?'
+
+[Illustration: "WHAT DIDN'T THEY SAY? THEY FLEW AT ME LIKE WILDCATS."]
+
+"'It's a gross exaggeration!' I said.
+
+"'Well, I thought it over, and made up my mind they were right,' she
+went on. 'We kissed and made up and organized the Listeners' Circle,
+and mama and Mrs. Bryson and Mrs. Doolittle have joined. Our purpose
+is to regulate our talk supply very strictly to the demand.'
+
+"'It's a grand idea!' I exclaimed. 'The Ladies' Talk and Information
+Trust! Why, it will soon control the entire product of Pointview, and
+can fix the price. Marie, it's only a matter of time when the
+conversation of you girls is going to be in the nature of a luxury and
+as much desired as diamonds. It won't be long before some young fellow
+will offer his life for one word from you.'
+
+"'Oh, _I'm_ hopeless! Nobody cares for me--not a soul!' said Marie.
+
+"'Wait and give 'em a chance,' I answered.
+
+"'Do you think it's true that I've been such a pestilence?' she
+asked, as her fingers toyed with the upholstery. 'You know you've been
+a kind of father to me, and I want you to tell me frankly if I've
+really made the boys sick.'
+
+"'Why, my dear child, if I were a young man I'd be kneeling at your
+feet,' I said; and no wonder, for they were a beautiful pair of feet,
+and none ever supported a nobler girl. Then I went on: 'Marie, your
+talk is charming. The demand continues. I feel honored by your
+confidence. Please go on.'
+
+"'I believe I've been foolish without knowing it,' she said, her smile
+beautiful with its sadness.
+
+"'My dear child, if there were no folly in the world it would be a
+stupid place, and I for one should want to move,' I said. 'Some never
+discover their own follies, and they _are_ hopeless. You are as wise
+as you are dear. It's in your power to do a lot of good. Think what
+you've already accomplished. I wish you would continue to help us
+discourage foolish display in America.
+
+"'Are there any more chestnuts in the fire?' she asked, with a laugh.
+'Not that I'm afraid. I suppose the fire is good for me.'
+
+"'Marie, I love your fingers too well to burn them unduly,' I said.
+'By the way, I expect that Harry Delance will be wanting to marry you
+soon.'
+
+"'Harry!' she exclaimed. 'I talked him to death--and out of the
+notion--long ago, and I'm not sorry. He isn't my kind.'
+
+"'Harry's a good fellow,' I insisted.
+
+"'But he's so dreadfully nice--such a hopeless aristocrat! Grandfather
+would have a fit. I want a big, full-blooded, brawny chap, who isn't a
+slave to his coat and trousers--the kind of man you've talked so much
+about--one who could get his hands dirty and be a gentleman. I'm
+longing for the outdoor life--and the outdoor man to live it with
+me.'
+
+"'Give Harry a chance--his uneducation had only just begun,' I urged.
+
+"I left Marie with a rather serious look in her face, and began to
+wonder how I should accomplish the uneducation of Harry.
+
+"That young man came to see me, in a day or two, at our home. My new
+set of Smollett lay on the piano, and he greatly admired it. Above all
+things Harry loved books, and his specialty was Smollett; he had read
+every tale in the series, at college, and made a mark with his thesis
+on 'The Fathers of English Fiction.' He spent an hour of delight with
+those books of mine. Then he said to me:
+
+"'Only fifty copies printed?'
+
+"'Only fifty,' I said.
+
+"'Could I get a set?'
+
+"'All sold,' I assured him, 'but I shall be glad to give these books
+to you on two conditions.'
+
+"He turned in astonishment.
+
+"'They can do you no further harm, and my first request is that you do
+not lend them. My second is that you take them home in my wheelbarrow
+by daylight with your own hands.'
+
+"He silently demurred.
+
+"'At last those books have a chance to do some little good in the
+world, and I don't want them to lose it,' I urged. 'The hands,
+feet, and legs of the high and low born are slowly being deprived of
+their rights in this community. Pride is robbing them of their
+ancient and proper offices. How many of the young men and women of
+our acquaintance would be seen on the street with a package in their
+hands, to say nothing of a wheelbarrow? Their souls are above it!'
+
+"'Why should they carry packages and roll wheelbarrows?' Harry asked.
+'Stores deliver goods these days.'
+
+"'That's one reason why it costs so much to live. We have to pay for
+our pride and our indolence and the delivery of the goods. It's all
+charged in the bill. Some member of the family used to go to market
+every morning with his basket and carry the goods home with him.'
+
+"'It would be ridiculous for me to do that,' said Harry. 'We're able
+to pay the bills.'
+
+"'But you're doing a great injustice to those who are not. You make
+the delivery system a necessary thing, and those who can't afford it
+have to help you stand the expense--a gross injustice. I want you to
+help me in this cause of the hand and foot. Your example would be full
+of inspiration. Excuse me a moment.'
+
+"I went for the wheelbarrow and rolled it up to the front door. Then
+we brought out the books and loaded them. That done, I seized the
+handles of the barrow.
+
+"'Come on,' I said. 'I'll do the work--you share the disgrace with
+me.'
+
+"My gray hairs were too much for him.
+
+"'No; give me the handles,' he insisted. 'If it won't hurt you, it
+won't hurt me--that's sure.'
+
+"So, in his silk hat and frock-coat and spats, with a carnation in his
+buttonhole, he seized the wheelbarrow like a man, and away we went. I
+steered him up the Main Street, and people began to hail us with
+laughter from automobiles, and to jest with us on the sidewalk, and
+Marie came along with two other pretty girls, and the barrow halted in
+a gale of merriment.
+
+"'What in the world are you doing?' one of them asked.
+
+"'It's the remains of the late Mr. Smollett,' I explained.
+
+"'I'm setting an example to the young,' said Harry, as he mopped his
+forehead. 'Couldn't help it. I had to do this thing.'
+
+"'Great!' Marie exclaimed. 'Simply great! I'm going to get me a
+wheelbarrow.'
+
+"She would take hold of the handles and try it, and went on half a
+block in spite of our protests, creating much excitement.
+
+"That was the first rude beginning of The Basket and Wheelbarrow
+Brigade in Pointview, of which I shall tell you later. And now I shall
+explain my generosity--it can generally be explained--and how I came
+by the Smollett."
+
+
+
+
+VI
+
+IN WHICH BETSEY COMMITS AN INDISCRETION
+
+
+"Christmas was approaching, and Betsey said to me one day that she had
+been guilty of a great extravagance.
+
+"'I know you will forgive me just this once,' she went on. 'My love
+for you is so extravagant that I had to keep pace with it. You've
+simply got to accept something very grand.'
+
+"'I can't think of anything that I need unless it's a new jack-knife,'
+I said.
+
+"'Nonsense!' she exclaimed. 'You've got to let me spend some money for
+you. I've been held down in the expression of my affections as long as
+I can stand it. I've doubled my charities since we were married, as a
+token of my gratitude, and now I've a right to do something to please
+myself.'
+
+"'All right! We'll lift the lid,' I said. 'We can lie about it, I
+suppose, and cover up our folly.'
+
+"'Well, of course we don't have to tell what it cost,' said Betsey;
+'and, Socrates, you can't expect to reform me in a year. It's taken
+half a lifetime to acquire my follies.'
+
+"That's one trouble with the whole problem. You can't tear down a
+structure which has been slowly rising for half a century in a day, or
+in many days.
+
+"Christmas arrived, and Betsey went down-stairs with me and covered my
+eyes in the hall and led me to the grand piano. Then I was permitted
+to look, and there was the most gorgeous set of books that my eyes
+ever beheld--a set of Smollett, in lovely brown calf, decorated with
+magnificent gold tooling! Yes, I love such things--who doesn't?--and
+I gave Betsey a great hug, and we sat down with tears in our eyes to
+look at the pages of vellum and the wonderful etchings which adorned
+so many of them. They were charming. I knew that the books had cost at
+least a thousand dollars. Grandpa Smead looked awfully stern in his
+gold frame on the wall.
+
+"'Now don't think too badly of me,' she urged. 'Every poor family
+within twenty miles is eating dinner at my expense this Christmas
+Day.'
+
+"'You are the dearest girl in all the land!' I said. 'There's nobody
+like you.'
+
+"'I knew that you were fond of the classics,' said Betsey, 'so I
+consulted Harry Delance, and he suggested that I should give you a set
+of Smollett; said it would renew your youth. You know he's devoted to
+Smollett.'
+
+"'And why shouldn't we keep up with Harry?' I said.
+
+"'Well, you know he took the first prize in literature, and ought to
+have excellent taste. Then the young man who sold the set to me is
+working his way through Yale. I was glad to help him, too; he
+recommended these books--said they were moral and uplifting--not at
+all like the modern trash. He knew that we enjoyed home reading. Mary
+will read them aloud to us, and we'll enjoy them together.'
+
+"This father of romance was not unknown to me, and I did not share her
+confidence in the joys ahead of us, but said nothing.
+
+"After a fine dinner Betsey wanted to start in at once. We sat down by
+the fireside while her secretary began to read aloud from one of the
+treasured volumes. I had not read the story, and chose it as being the
+least likely to make trouble. In a short time we came to rough going
+and the young woman began to falter.
+
+"'That will do,' said Betsey, suddenly, as I tried to conceal my
+emotions.
+
+"She took the book from the hands of her secretary and read on in
+silence for a minute or so.
+
+"'My land!' she exclaimed, with a look of horror. 'That book would
+corrupt the morals of John Bunyan.'
+
+"'Never mind; John never lived in Pointview,' I argued. 'He didn't
+have a chance to get hardened.'
+
+"Betsey had a determined look in her face, and rang for the coachman.
+
+"'I'll have them stored in the stable,' said she, firmly.
+
+"'If you don't keep it locked, all the women in the neighborhood'll be
+in there,' I warned her, knowing that she couldn't help telling her
+friends of what had happened.
+
+"'That's no reason why the men should be unduly exposed,' said Betsey.
+'Poor things! It's my duty to protect _you_ as long as I can,
+Socrates.'
+
+"I promised to get rid of the books somehow, and persuaded her to let
+them stay where they were until I had had time to think about it. Then
+she said:
+
+"'Socrates, forgive me. I didn't mean it, and I wanted to be so nice
+to you. I guess it's a just punishment for my extravagance. I thought
+the modern novels were bad enough. What can I do for you now?'
+
+"'Always, when you're in doubt, do nothing,' I suggested.
+
+"'Oh, I know what I'll do!' she exclaimed, joyfully. 'I'll knit you a
+pair of socks with my own hands.'
+
+"'Eureka!' I shouted. 'Those socks shall make footprints on the sands
+of time.'"
+
+
+
+
+VII
+
+IN WHICH SOCRATES ATTACKS THE WORST DOERS AND BEST SELLERS
+
+
+"One evening, soon after that, Betsey and I went to a party at Deacon
+Benson's. The Deacon is Marie's grandfather--a strict, old-line
+Congregationalist. The old gentleman owned some two hundred acres in
+the very heart of Pointview and about a mile of shore-front. In all
+the buying and selling, he had refused to part with an acre of his
+land, now worth at least a million dollars. He had willed it all to
+Marie.
+
+"Deacon Joe was a relic of Puritan days, with shrewd eyes under heavy
+gray tufts, and a mouth bent like a sickle, and whiskers under a
+strong chin, and lines in his face that suggested the heart of a lion.
+In his walks he was always accompanied by a hickory cane and a bulldog
+whose countenance and philosophy were like unto those of the Deacon.
+
+"He was a perfectly honest man who had joined the church with mental
+reservations. He had reserved the right to employ certain adjectives
+and nouns which had been useful in Pointview since the days of the
+pioneer, and which had grown more and more indispensable to the
+opinions of an honest man. The verb 'to damn' in all its parts and
+relations had been one of them. The word 'hell' was another. It
+represented a thing of great conversational value, and he recommended
+it with perfect frankness to certain people. He loved hell and hard
+cider, and hated Episcopalians. He loved to tell how one Episcopalian
+had cheated him in a horse trade, and how another had never paid for a
+bushel of onions. That was enough for him. He had always thought them
+a loose, unprincipled lot with no adequate respect for fire and
+brimstone. But Deacon Joe was honest, and his word was worth a hundred
+cents on the dollar.
+
+"Now the Delances were Episcopalians from away back--High-Church
+Episcopalians, at that. The old man had sniffed a good deal when Harry
+began to pay attention to Marie, and had come to see me about it.
+
+"I eased his fears and appealed to his avarice. Harry had too much
+money and some follies, I confessed, but he was sound at heart, and I
+had hope of making a strong man of him, and of course his money might
+be a great lever in his hands.
+
+"'Very well--we'll keep an eye on him,' he snapped, and left me
+without another word.
+
+"After that Marie was allowed to go out with the young man in his drag
+and tandem.
+
+"Harry and his sister came to the party at Deacon Joe's, and brought
+with them a late volume of D'Annunzio for Marie to read. Harry wished
+to know if I had read it, and gave us a talk on the realism of this
+modern Italian author.
+
+"Again I drew on the memoirs of Dr. Godfrey Vogeldam Guph, and this
+time I explained that the learned doctor had all the talents but one.
+He never told a lie--never but once, and that was on his death-bed.
+Yes, it was a little late, but still it was in time to save his
+reputation, and, possibly, even his soul. To a man of his parts the
+truth had always been good enough, and lying unnecessary. If he had
+told a lie it wouldn't have amounted to anything--everybody would have
+believed it. He wouldn't have got any credit--poor man! He had no more
+use for a lie than a fish has for a mackintosh--until he came to his
+last touching words, which were delivered to a minister and his sister
+Sophia, who had been reading to him from a book of D'Annunzio.
+
+"'My chance has arrived at last,' he said to Sophia, 'and in order
+that I may make the most of it, you will please send for a minister.'
+
+"The latter came, and, seeing the book, asked the good man if he had
+read it.
+
+"'Alas! my friend, that it should be necessary for me to tell a lie on
+my death-bed,' said the Doctor. 'But now, at last, I tell it proudly
+and promptly. I have not read that book.'
+
+"'And therein I do clearly see the truth,' said the wise old
+minister.
+
+"'Which is this,' the learned Doctor confessed. 'I have come to an
+hour when a lie, and nothing but a lie, can show my sense of shame. I
+solemnly swear that I have not read it!'
+
+"'Well, at least you're a noble liar,' said the man of God. 'I absolve
+you.'
+
+"'I claim no credit--I am only doing my duty,' said the good Doctor,
+with a sign of ineffable peace.
+
+"As soon as I could get his attention, I called Harry aside and
+whispered: 'In Heaven's name, boy, get hold of that book and hang on
+to it.'
+
+"'Why?' he asked.
+
+"'You don't know the old man as I do--that's why,' I said. 'If he
+should happen to read it, he'd go after you with his grandfather's
+sword the next time you showed up here.'
+
+"Marie stood near us, and I beckoned to her, and she came to my side.
+
+"'The book,' said Harry--'would you let me take it?'
+
+"'I took it to my grandfather, and he is reading it in his room,' she
+answered. 'Shall I go and get it?'
+
+"Harry hesitated.
+
+"'He won't mind,' said Marie; 'I'll go and get it.'
+
+"And away she went.
+
+"She came back to us soon, a bit embarrassed.
+
+"'He seems to be very much interested and--and a little cross,' said
+she. 'I think he will bring it out to you soon.'
+
+"Harry turned pale.
+
+"'You look sick, old man,' I said.
+
+"'I'm not feeling very well,' said he, 'and I think I shall excuse
+myself and go home.'
+
+"There was danger of a scene, but he got away unharmed. By and by the
+lionhearted deacon came out of his room, asked severely for 'young
+Delance,' wandered through the crowd, answered indignantly a few
+inquiries about his health, and returned to his lair.
+
+"I saw that the Deacon was mad. New New England had imprudently bumped
+into old New England, and it was too soon to estimate the damage."
+
+The Honorable Socrates Potter laughed as he filled his pipe, and
+resumed with an attitude of ease and comfort;
+
+"I'm a bit of a Puritan myself, although I understood Harry better
+than did the Deacon. The young people have been captured by the
+frankness of the Latin races. They call it emancipation. Travel and
+the higher education have opened the storage vats of foreign
+degeneracy and piped them into our land. Certain young men who have
+been 'finished' abroad, where they filled their souls with Latin
+lewdness, have turned it into fiction and a source of profit. Women
+buy their books and rush through them, and only touch the low places.
+There they lie entranced, thick as autumnal leaves that strew the
+brooks in Vallombrosa. Like the women in the sack of Ismail, they sit
+them down and watch for the adultery to begin.
+
+"The imagination of the old world seems to have gone wild--Oscar
+Wilde! How the Oscars have thriven there since the first of them went
+to jail!--a degenerate dynasty!--hiding the stench of spiritual rot
+with the perfume of faultless rhetoric, speaking the unspeakable with
+the tongues of angels and of prophets! And mostly, my boy, they have
+thriven on the dollars of American women under the leadership of
+modern culture. And, you know, the maiden follows mama. She is an
+apologist of sublime lewdness, of emancipated human caninity. Now I am
+no prude. I can stand a fairly strong touch of human nature. I can
+even put up with a good deal of the frankness of the cat and dog. But
+the frankness of some modern authors makes me sorry that Adam was a
+common ancestor of theirs and mine. It's a disgrace to Adam and the
+whole human brotherhood. We sons of the Puritans ought to get busy in
+the old cause. Noah had the good sense to keep the animals and the
+people apart, and that's what we've always stood for."
+
+
+
+
+VIII
+
+IN WHICH SOCRATES ATTACKS THE HELMET AND THE BATTLE-AX
+
+
+"Marie came to see us at our home next morning and began to cry as
+soon as she had sat down in the library. The thing I had looked for
+had come to pass. Her grandfather had dropped Harry from his list, and
+warned him to keep off the rag-carpet. There was to be no more
+prancing around in the 'toot-coach' and the 'Harry-cart,' as he called
+them, for Marie. In his view it was the surest means of getting to
+perdition. Harry was an idler, and he had always found that an idle
+brain was the devil's workshop. Marie might be polite to the young
+man, but she must keep her side of the road and see that there was
+always plenty of room between them.
+
+"'He's so hateful,' Marie said of her grandfather. 'He made such a
+fuss about our getting a crest that we've a perfect right to! Mama had
+to give it up.'
+
+"'What! Do you mean to tell me that you have no crest!' I inquired,
+anxiously.
+
+"'We have one, but we cannot use it; our hands are tied,' was her
+sorrowful answer.
+
+"'I'm astonished. Why, everybody is going to have a crest in
+Pointview.
+
+"'The other day I suggested to Bridget Maloney, our pretty chambermaid,
+that she ought to have the Maloney crest on her letter-heads.
+
+"'"What's that?" says Bridget.
+
+"'"What's that!" I said, with a look of pity.
+
+"'Then I showed her a letter from Mrs. Van Alstyne, with a lion and a
+griffin cuffing each other black and blue at the top of the sheet.
+
+"'"It's grand!" said she.
+
+"'"It's the Van Alstyne crest," I said. "It's a proof of respectability.
+Aren't you as good as they are?"
+
+"'"Every bit!" said she.
+
+"'"That's what I thought. Don't you often feel as if you were better
+than a good many people you know?"
+
+"'"Sure I do."
+
+"'"Well, that's a sign that you're blue-blooded," said I. "Probably
+you've got a king in your family somewhere. A crest shows that you
+suspect your ancestors--nothing more than that. It isn't proof, so
+there's no reason why you shouldn't have it. You ought not to be going
+around without a crest, as if you were a common servant-girl. Why,
+every kitchen-maid will be thinking she's as good as you are. You want
+to be in style. You have money in the bank, and not half the people
+who have crests are as well able to afford 'em."
+
+"'"How much do they cost?"
+
+[Illustration: "'IT'S THE VAN ALSTYNE CREST,' I SAID. 'IT'S A PROOF OF
+RESPECTABILITY.'"]
+
+"'"Nothing--at least, yours'll cost nothing, Bridget. I shall be glad
+to buy one for you."
+
+"'The simple girl thanked me, and I found the Maloney crest for her,
+and had the plate made and neatly engraved on a hundred sheets of
+paper.
+
+"'Next week the Pointview _Advocate_ will print this item: "Miss
+Bridget Maloney, the genial chambermaid of Mrs. Socrates Potter, uses
+the Maloney crest on her letter-heads. She is said to be a lineal
+descendant of his Grace Bryan Maloney, one of the early dukes of
+Ireland."
+
+"'Bridget is haughty, well-mannered, and a neat dresser. She's a
+pace-maker in her set. Even the high-headed servants of Warburton
+House imitate her hats and gowns.
+
+"'Yesterday Katie O'Neil, one of Mrs. Warburton's maids, came to me
+for information as to the heraldry of her house. I found a crest for
+Katie; and then came Mary Maginness; and Bertha Schimpfelheim, the
+daughter of a real German count; and one August Bernheimer, a young
+barber of baronial blood; and Pietro Cantaveri, our prosperous
+bootblack, who was the grandson of an Italian countess; and so it
+goes, and soon all the high-born servers of Pointview will be supplied
+with armorial bearings.
+
+"'These claims to distinction shall be soberly chronicled in the
+_Advocate_. Not one is to be overlooked or treated with any lack of
+respect. On the contrary, the whole thing will be exploited with a
+proper sense of awe.'
+
+"Marie laughed.
+
+"'Wait till I tell mama,' she said. 'It's lucky you told me. It's
+saved us. I guess grandfather was right about that.'
+
+"'And he's right about Harry, too,' I said. 'But don't despair; I'm
+trying to put a new mainspring in the boy. If I succeed, your
+grandfather may have to change his mind.'
+
+"She went away comforted, but not happy.
+
+"Well, I went on with the crest campaign. Bertha, Pietro, and the
+others got their crests and saw their names in the paper.
+
+"The supply of crests was soon perfectly adequate, and among our best
+people the demand for them began to diminish, and suddenly ceased. The
+beast rampant and couchant, the helmet and the battle-ax, associated
+only with mixed tenses and misplaced capitals according to their
+ancient habit. This chambermaid grammar was referred to by my friend,
+Dr. Guph, as the 'battle-ax brand'--a designation of some merit.
+Expensive stationery fell into the fireplaces of Pointview, and
+armorial plates were found in the garbage. The family trees of the
+village were deserted. Not a bird twittered in their branches. The
+subject of genealogy was buried in deep silence, save when the
+irreverent referred to some late addition to our new aristocracy.
+
+"Now I want to make it clear that we have no disrespect for the
+customs of any foreign land. If I were living in a foreign land and
+needed evidence of my respectability, I'd have a crest, if it was
+likely to prove my case. But America was founded by the sons of the
+yeomen, and the yeomen established their respectability with other
+evidence. Their brains were so often touched by the battle-ax that
+some of us have an hereditary shyness about the head, and we dodge at
+every baronial relic."
+
+
+
+
+IX
+
+IN WHICH SOCRATES INCREASES THE SUPPLY OF SPLENDOR
+
+
+"In due time the Society of Useful Women met at our house, and I was
+invited to make a few remarks, and said in effect:
+
+"'We are trying to correct the evil of extravagant display in
+America, and first I ask you to consider the cause of it. We find it
+in the ancient law of supply and demand. The reason that women love to
+array themselves in silk and laces and jewels and picture-hats and
+plumes of culture and sunbursts of genealogy lies in the fact that
+the supply of these things has generally been limited. Their cost is
+so high, therefore, that few can afford them, and those who wear
+them are distinguished from the common herd. This matter of buying
+distinction is the cause of our trouble. Now I propose that we
+increase the supply of jewels, silks, laces, picture-hats, and
+ancestors in Pointview--that we bring them within the reach of all,
+and aim a death-blow at the distinction to be obtained by displaying
+them. There isn't a servant-girl in this community who doesn't pant
+for luxuries. Why shouldn't she? I move that we have a committee
+to consider this inadequate supply of luxuries, with the power to
+increase the same at its own expense.'
+
+"I was appointed chairman of that committee, and went to work, with
+Betsey and Mrs. Warburton as coadjutors.
+
+"We stocked a store with clever imitations of silks, satins, and
+old lace, and the best assortment of Brummagem jewelry that could be
+raked together. We had a great show-case full of glittering
+paste--bracelets, tiaras, coronets, sunbursts, dog-collars, rings,
+necklaces--all extremely modish and so handsome that they would
+have deceived any but trained eyes. Our pearls and sapphires were
+especially attractive. We hired a skilled dressmaker, familiar
+with the latest modes, and a milliner who could imitate the most
+stunning hats on Fifth Avenue at reasonable prices. Every servant in
+good standing in our community was permitted to come and see and
+buy and say 'Charge it.'
+
+"Mrs. Warburton's ball for the servants of Pointview, to be given in
+the Town Hall, was coming near. It happened that the committee of
+arrangements included Marie and the young Reverend Robert Knowles.
+Their intimacy began in the work of that committee. For days they rode
+about in the minister's motor-car getting ready for the ball and for
+the greater intimacy that followed it.
+
+"Our ball sent its radiance over land and sea. Sunbursts shone like
+stars in the Milky Way. A fine orchestra furnished music. Reporters
+from New York and other cities were present.
+
+"The nurses, cooks, kitchen-girls, laundresses, and chambermaids of
+Pointview were radiant in silk, lace, diamonds, pearls, and rubies.
+The costumes were brilliant, but all in good taste. Alabaster? Why, my
+dear boy, they would have made the swell set resemble a convention of
+beanpoles. For the matter of busts, they busted the record!
+
+"The only mishap occurred when Bertha Schimpfelheim--some call her Big
+Bertha--slipped and fell in a waltz, injuring the knee of her
+companion. To my surprise the brainiest of these working-folk saw the
+satire in which they were taking part, and entered into it with all
+the more spirit because they knew.
+
+[Illustration: "RADIANT IN SILK, LACE, DIAMONDS, PEARLS, AND RUBIES"]
+
+"The presence of Mr. Warburton, Mr. and Mrs. Delance, Marie, and the
+Reverend Robert Knowles on the floor insured proper decorum and lent
+an air of seriousness to the event. It proved an effective background
+for Marie. She shone like a pigeon-blood ruby among garnets. She wore
+no jewels, and was distinguished only by her beauty and the simplicity
+of her costume and the unmistakable evidence of good breeding in her
+face and manners.
+
+"Harry sat with me in the gallery.
+
+"'She's wonderful!' he exclaimed. 'All this rococo ware simply
+emphasizes her charm. Only a girl of brains could carry it off as she
+does. She's among them and yet apart. An old duke once told me that if
+you want to know the rank of a lady, observe how she treats an
+inferior. It's quite true. By Jove! I'm in love with Marie, and I'm
+going to make her my wife if possible.'
+
+"'That's one really substantial result of the ball,' I said.
+
+"'Do you think that she cares for Knowles--that minister chap?'"
+
+"'I'm inclined to think that she likes you better,' I said.
+
+"'Is your inclination encouraged by evidence?'
+
+"'That query I must decline to answer,' said I.
+
+"'Well, you know, I'm not going to be long in doubt,' the boy
+declared, as he left me.
+
+"The event was an epoch-maker. Long reports of it appeared in the
+daily press and traveled far in a surge of thoughtful merriment. For
+instance: 'Miss Mary Maginness, the accomplished lady-in-waiting of
+Mrs. William Warburton, of Warburton House, wore a coronet and a
+dog-collar of diamonds above a costume of white brocaded satin,
+trimmed with old duchesse lace and gold ornaments. Miss Maginness is a
+lineal descendant of Lord Rawdon Maginness, of Cork, who early in the
+seventeenth century commanded an army that drove the Italians out of
+Ireland.'
+
+"And so it went, with column after column of glittering detail. Since
+then the servants have enjoyed a monopoly in splendor--it's been a
+kind of Standard Jewel Company, and certain rich men have boasted in
+my presence that they haven't a jewel in their houses; and one added
+with quite unneeded emphasis: 'Not a measly jewel. My wife says that
+they suggest dish-water and aprons.'
+
+"'It is too funny!' said Mrs. Warburton. 'You know those jewels at the
+ball were quite as real as many that are worn by ladies of fashion.
+Most rich women who want to save themselves worry keep their jewels in
+the strong-box and wear replicas of paste and composition.'
+
+"The instalment jeweler has gone out of business, and half a dozen
+servant-girls have refused to make further payments on their
+solitaires and returned them.
+
+"One singular thing happened. Nearly all those servants paid their
+bills to our store, and we closed out with an unexpected profit, while
+a number of stores who charged their goods to the noble band of
+employers have stopped for need of money."
+
+
+
+
+X
+
+IN WHICH SOCRATES BREAKS THE DRAG AND TANDEM MONOPOLY IN POINTVIEW
+
+
+"Harry's father came often for a smoke and talk with me after dinner,
+and his favorite subject was Harry. As a subject of conversation,
+Harry was more successful than the average crime. In this respect he
+resembled a divorce or a murder. That's how it happened that Harry got
+on my mind. He is one of the most skilful riders of the human mind
+that I know of. He was wearing us out, and we were all bucking to get
+him off. Well, his father was thinking about him while I was thinking
+about the rest of Pointview. It was another case of Rome and Caesar.
+Harry's last achievement was to accuse his father of being the
+fossiliferous remnant of an ancient time.
+
+"'The truth is, Harry hasn't enough competition in his line,' I
+suggested, one evening. 'The other boys are doing well, but they don't
+keep up with him.
+
+"'You know after I left college, in my youth, I spent a couple of
+years in Wyoming. Well, Mary Ann Crowder was the only single lady
+within a hundred miles, and she was the most obstreperous damn critter
+that I ever saw. She had a monopoly an' knew it, an' wasn't decently
+polite. Put on more style than a nigger at a cakewalk. Though she had
+red hair an' only one eye, some of the boys used to ride sixty miles
+for a visit with her. Then they had to swim the Snake River and maybe
+wrestle with a tame bear that was loose in the dooryard. By and by a
+man with two unmarried daughters moved on to a ranch near us, and then
+Mary Ann began to be polite. She suddenly became a human being, an'
+killed the bear, an' moved across the river an' married the first man
+that proposed, and lived happily ever after.
+
+"'What we need here is another drag and tandem.'
+
+"'Get what you need, and I'll pay the bills,' said Harry's father.
+
+"So I went to a sale in New York, bought my drag and tandem-cart, and
+had them shipped to Pointview. Our local sign-painter put a crest or,
+rather, a kind of royal hatchment, on the panels of both. Then I sold
+them for next to nothing to a local livery on conditions. Its new
+owner agreed to use the drag for chowder-parties, and to break the
+worst-looking nags in his stable to drive tandem on the cart.
+
+"Tommy Ruggles, a smart-looking knight of the currycomb, whose first
+name was a kitchen word in Pointview, sprang to my assistance. He had
+curly hair, and a good deal of natural cuteness, and was, moreover, 'a
+divvle with the girls.' He contracted with me to take a selected list
+of female servants for an airing in the tandem-cart. He was to get a
+royalty of five dollars a head on every servant that was properly
+aired, with a small premium on red ones.
+
+"He began with Big Bertha, our worthy German countess. Tommy had a
+playful humor, and cracked his long whip over the rough-harnessed nags
+and merrily tooted his horn as the rig lumbered along through the main
+streets of our village. Many laughed and many wondered, while an army
+of noisy kids followed and hung on behind.
+
+"Tommy got his second girl, who was hit on the head with a ripe
+tomato, and then it was all over. The girls wouldn't stand for it. The
+sport had become too exciting. Tommy told me how he had invited
+Bridget Maloney, and she had said: 'Na-a-ah! Do yez take me for an
+idiot? Sure every rotten egg in the town would be jumpin' at me.'
+
+"It suggested an idea. As the imitation idiots had given out, we
+would try the real thing. So I 'phoned the manager of our thriving
+idiot asylum on the Post Road and arranged to have Tommy take one of
+his patients every day for a drive in the cart. Why shouldn't all the
+idiots enjoy themselves? Fresh air would be good for them. It would
+turn the cart into a charity which would cover a part of my sins. I
+asked for the better class of idiots--the quiet ones, who had sense
+enough to appreciate a good thing. The parade began and continued day
+after day.
+
+"Harry had retired his tandem after Tom, with a stiff-backed idiot by
+his side, had clattered after him through the village behind the two
+spavined nags to the amusement of many people. He had kept up with
+Harry.
+
+"Soon that kind of a rig was known as the Idiot Wagon. Then Tommy
+resigned; it was more than he could stand. He said he was willing to
+do any honest work for money, but not that. He said that the idiots
+imagined themselves rich, and put on so much style that it made the
+whole thing ridiculous.
+
+"'Never mind--it's the habit of idiots,' I said.
+
+"'One of 'em thinks he's Napoleon Bonaparte, an' calls me his man, and
+wears a plug hat and sits as straight as a ramrod, and bows to the
+people when they laugh at him,' said Tommy. 'Some of 'em get stuck on
+the cart, and it's a fight to get 'em out of it. I tell ye, I'm sick
+o' the job. The sight o' that cart makes me feel nutty.'
+
+"'Never mind, Tom,' I said; 'you've been a public benefactor, and you
+and the cart are entitled to an honorable discharge.'
+
+"Every bright day the drag was tooling over the road with picnic-parties
+on their way to one of the popular beaches. Our local lodges and
+political clubs, and now and then a load of Italians, were able to
+enjoy the luxury which had been the exclusive delight of Harry and the
+fluffy maidens of Pointview.
+
+"Drags an' tandems are all right if you don't go too far with 'em. We
+were just in time to prevent them from becoming tools of degeneration
+in our village."
+
+
+
+
+XI
+
+IN WHICH SUNDRY PEOPLE MAKE GREAT DISCOVERIES
+
+
+"There were many private panics in Pointview. It was my privilege to
+observe, under calm exteriors, a raging fever of excitement--characters
+going bankrupt, collectors wandering in a fruitless quest. One little
+rill that flowed into the swift river of national trouble issued from
+the bosom of my clerk, Mr. 'Cub' Sayles. It had been one of the most
+placid bosoms in Pointview. Now it was in the midst of what I have
+since referred to as the 'Violet and Supper Panic of 1907.'
+
+"Cub was a quiet, hard-working, serious-minded boy whose mother moved
+in the higher circles of Boston. He had a low, pleasant voice, a
+touch of Harry's dialect, and a sad face. He had asked for a higher
+salary, and I had asked for information.
+
+"'You see every time I go to call on my girl I have to take a bunch of
+violets or a two-pound box of candy,' he said. 'Then if we go to the
+theater her chaperon has to be with us--don't you know? She's a stout
+lady who complains of faintness before the play ends, and I have to
+ask them out to supper. Then I am always greatly alarmed, for you
+never can tell what will happen, sir, with two ladies at supper and
+only twenty dollars in your pocket, and both ladies fond of game and
+crab-meat. It's really very trying. I sit and tremble as I watch them,
+and go home with only a feeble remnant of my salary, and next day I
+have to pawn my diamond ring.'
+
+"'All that isn't honest,' I said. 'You're getting her favor under
+false pretenses. You're trying to make her believe that you are a
+sort of aristocrat with lots of money. Why don't you tell her the
+truth--that you can't afford violets, that the two-pound box is a
+burden that is breaking your back, and that every theater-supper sends
+you to the pawnbroker's?'
+
+"'I can't--she would throw me over,' he explained. 'The girls expect
+those things. They like to show and talk about them--don't you know?
+It's the fashion. Our best young men do it, sir.'
+
+"'Well, if you are willing to give up your honor for a lady's smile
+you won't do for me,' I said. 'You must not only tell the truth, but
+live it. You must be just what you are--a poor boy working for twenty
+dollars a week. If the girl doesn't like it she's unfit to associate
+with honest men. If you don't like it I don't like you.'
+
+"Perspiration had begun to dampen the brow of Cub.
+
+"'I--I hadn't seen it in that light, sir,' he said. 'But what am I to
+do, sir? I am heavily indebted to my tailor.'
+
+"'What! Haven't you paid for those lovely garments?'
+
+"'I had them charged, sir,' Cub sadly answered. 'My mother sent me a
+hundred dollars to pay for them, but I loaned it to Roger Daniels. I
+should be much obliged, sir, if you would collect it for me.'
+
+"I went to Roger and made him pay the debt. He paid it in a curious
+way--by going to his tailor and buying a hundred dollars' worth of
+clothes for Cub and having them charged. It was compounding a felony,
+but my client was satisfied and Roger was grateful. He began to have
+some regard for me. Not every lawyer had been able to make him pay.
+Within a day or so he came to consult me about a mortgage on his
+patrimony.
+
+"Roger had married and settled down immediately after his remarkable
+cruise. He had kept his party in ignorance of his financial troubles
+and returned with his reputation as an aristocrat firmly established.
+The gay young Bessie Runnymede had accepted him at once. He had become
+junior partner in a firm of brokers and had rented a handsome
+residence in Pointview.
+
+"So they began their little play with ladies, lords, and gentlemen in
+the cast, and with a country-house, a tandem, a crested limousine, and
+a racing launch for scenery. But Roger had what is known as a bad
+season. Well, you know, the moving-picture shows had got such a hold
+on the public.
+
+"At first we concluded that he must have made another lucky play in
+the market. Then, after six months or so, bills against Roger began to
+arrive for collection from sundry department stores in the city. He
+was a good fellow and had plausible excuses, and I declined to press
+payment and returned the bills.
+
+"One day, some eight months after the wedding, an urgent telegram
+from Roger brought me to New York. I found the young man in his
+office, with his wife at his side. They were both in tears. I sat down
+with them, and he told me this story:
+
+"'The fact is, I'm a thief,' he began. 'I have confessed the truth to
+my partners. Since my marriage I have taken about twenty thousand
+dollars--needed every cent of it to keep going. The fact is, I
+expected to make a killing in the market and return the money--had
+inside information--but everything went wrong. Yesterday I was cleaned
+out.
+
+"'I went home late in the evening. I hoped that my wife would be in
+bed, but she was waiting for me. She said that I looked sick, and
+wanted to know what was the matter. I told her that I had a headache,
+and got into bed as soon as possible; but I couldn't sleep. Long after
+midnight my wife rose and turned on the light and came to my bed and
+said that she knew I was troubled about something--that she had seen
+it in my face for weeks. She begged that I would let her help me bear
+it. Then I told her the truth, and discovered--for I didn't know her
+before--one of the noblest women in the world. She hid her face in the
+pillow, and then I had a bad moment.
+
+"'"Why did you do it?" she asked as soon as she could speak.
+
+"'And I said: "We've been foolish--trying to keep up with Harry and
+the rest of them. It was my fault. I ought to have told you that I
+couldn't go the pace."
+
+"'She saw the truth in a flash, and the old-fashioned woman in her got
+to work.
+
+"'"Roger, get up and dress yourself," said she. "We will go and see
+your partners to-night. We will go together, for I am as guilty as
+you. We will tell them the truth and beg for time. Maybe we can get
+the money."
+
+"'We started in our motor-car about one o'clock for the city, on dark
+and muddy roads. Some ten miles out we broke an axle and left car and
+driver and went on afoot. My wife wouldn't wait. No trains were
+running. But we could get a trolley five miles down the road. So we
+went on in the dark and silence. I put my arm around her, and not a
+word passed between us for an hour or so. I don't know what she was
+thinking of, but I was trying to count my follies. It began to rain,
+and I felt sorry for Bess, and took off my coat and threw it over
+her.'
+
+"'"I don't mind the rain," she said. "It will cool me."
+
+"'We were a sight when we got to the trolley, and just before daylight
+we rang the bell of the senior partner. Our weariness and muddy shoes
+and rain-soaked garments were a help to us. They touched his heart,
+sir. Anyhow, he gave me a week of grace in which to make good. I must
+get the money somehow, and I want your advice about it.'
+
+"'I'm glad of one part of it all,' I said--'that you have discovered
+each other and learned that you are human beings of a pretty good
+sort. I've much more respect for both of you than I ever had before.'
+
+"He looked at me in surprise.
+
+"'Oh, you are a better man than you were three months ago!' I answered
+him. 'You happen to have run against the law, and it's shocked and
+frightened you. But you are improving. Long ago you began to incur
+debts which you couldn't pay, and you must have known that you
+couldn't pay them. In that manner you became possessed of a large sum
+of money belonging to other people. It was used not for necessities,
+but to maintain a foolish display. That is the most heartless kind of
+fraud. I've much more respect for you now that you see your fault and
+confess it. I'm convinced now that you have a conscience, and that
+you will be likely to make some use of it in the future. I'm
+particularly grateful to your wife. She has shown me that she is just
+a woman, and not an angel. I don't believe that it was at all
+necessary for you to have groveled in aristocratic crimes in order to
+win her heart. The yacht cruise and the tandem and the violets and the
+Fifth Avenue clothes and the ton of candy were quite superfluous. You
+needed only to tell her the truth, like a man, and say that you loved
+her.'
+
+"'It is true, Roger,' said the girl as she broke down again.
+
+"'I did it all to please you, dear,' the boy answered, in his effort
+to comfort her.
+
+"'And it did please me,' she said, brokenly, 'but I know that I should
+have been better pleased if--'
+
+"She hesitated, and I expressed her thought for her:
+
+"'If he had centralized on manhood. There is something sweeter than
+violets and grander than fine raiment in a sort of character that a
+boy should offer to the girl he loves.'
+
+"They were both convinced. It was easy to see that now, and I promised
+to do what I could for them.
+
+"I got a schedule of the young man's debts and found that he owed,
+among other debts, six thousand dollars to sundry shops and department
+stores in New York--the purchases of his wife in the eight months of
+their wedded life. I asked her how it could have happened.
+
+"'He opened accounts for me and said I could buy what I wanted, and
+you know it is so easy to say "Charge it,'" was her answer. 'Every one
+has accounts these days, and they tempt you to buy more than you
+need.'
+
+"'It is true. Credit is the latest ally of the devil. It is the great
+tempter. It is responsible for half the extravagance of modern life.
+The two words 'charge it' have done more harm than any others in the
+language. They have led to a vast amount of unnecessary buying. They
+have developed a talent for extravagance in our people. They have
+created a large and growing sisterhood and brotherhood of dead-beats.
+They have led to bankruptcy and slow pay and bad debts. They have
+raised the cost of everything we require because the tradesman compels
+us to pay his uncollected accounts. They are added to your bills and
+mine, and the merchant prince suffers no impairment of his fortune.
+
+"Bessie's bank-account was also overdrawn. That reminds me of a new
+sinner--the bank-check. It is so easy to draw a check--and, then,
+somehow, it's only a piece of paper. You let it go without a pang
+while you would be very thoughtful if you were counting out the money
+and parting with it.
+
+"The check is another way of saying 'Charge it.'
+
+"That evening I went to see Harry."
+
+
+
+
+XII
+
+IN WHICH HARRY IS FORCED TO ABANDON SWAMP FICTION AND LIKE FOLLIES AND
+TO STUDY THE GEOGRAPHY AND NATIVES OF A LAND UNKNOWN TO OUR
+HEIRISTOCRACY
+
+
+"I found Harry smoking with Cub Sayles in his den above stairs in the
+big country-house of Henry Delance. As I entered Harry said to his
+young friend:
+
+"'I have to talk over some things with Mr. Potter--would you mind
+going down to the library?'
+
+"Cub withdrew, and Harry sat down with me.
+
+"'I suppose you've seen him?' he asked, nervously.
+
+"'Whom?'
+
+"'Why, you know a mysterious stranger has been looking for me and--by
+Jove!--I'm scared stiff. He's an Englishman.'
+
+"'What of that?'
+
+"'Let me show you,' said Harry.
+
+"He took a key from his pocket, unlocked a door, and fetched the
+familiar skull of the Bishop of St. Clare and put it on the table
+before me.
+
+"'It's that damn Bishop's head,' he whispered. 'It has come
+back--would you believe it?--picked up by a fisherman on the Irish
+coast and returned to the express office in London. All the old
+directions were quite legible on the box. "To Harry Delance, SS.
+_Lusitania_. If not found, forward to Pointview, Conn., U.S.A.,
+charges collect!" So it came on. I received a notice and went down and
+got it out of bond and paid three pounds, and here it is.'
+
+"'It looks as if the Bishop was out for revenge,' I said, with a
+laugh.
+
+"'He's got on my nerves and my conscience,' said Harry. 'By Jove! he
+haunts me. When I heard of this mysterious Englishman to-day I got a
+chill.'
+
+"'You go buy yourself a small shovel and a pocket light to-morrow,' I
+suggested, and at night go back in the hills with the Bishop's head
+and bury it.'
+
+"'And if I get into trouble I want you to take care of me.'
+
+"I made no answer. It didn't seem necessary, but I said: 'There's
+another matter of which I have come to talk with you. Our friend Roger
+is in trouble.'
+
+"I told him the story of Roger's downfall. It got under his vest, and
+I added: 'Now, Harry, it's up to you to indulge in some more
+philanthropy. You ought to help him.'
+
+"'What--what can I do?' he asked in amazement.
+
+"'Lend him the money--twenty thousand dollars. It isn't all that the
+public will charge against you on Roger's account, but it will do.'
+
+"'Harry sank in his chair and threw up his hands as if grasping for a
+straw.
+
+"'It's my whole allowance for the year,' he said, 'and I couldn't
+appeal to the Governor.'
+
+"'Nevertheless you ought to do it, for Roger told me that it was your
+pace that brought him where he is.'
+
+"'What an ass!' Harry exclaimed, and the old Bishop seemed to indorse
+his view. 'By the blue beard of the Caliph, what am I to do?'
+
+"'Pay it,' I insisted.
+
+"'Pay it and die,' he groaned. 'I shall have to do it somehow, but
+this kind of thing is grinding me.'
+
+"'You can go to my ranch in Wyoming and live on nothing for six
+months,' I said. 'When you get back I'll lend you enough to tide you
+over!
+
+"'I'll do it,' he said, as if it were the very straw he had been
+reaching for.
+
+"Then he began to tell me of other troubles. Marie had been decidedly
+cool to Harry at the servants' ball. Then he had met her on the
+street, and she had barely noticed him and hurried away, with the
+young Reverend Robert Knowles at her side. Harry was, fortunately,
+going slow, but he had received internal injuries and was suffering
+from shock.
+
+"'The old man is at the bottom of it,' I explained. 'You gave him a
+dose from the wrong bottle. It p'isoned him.'
+
+"'By Jove! What a prude he is!' said Harry. 'Upon my word that is one
+of the noblest books I ever read--contains a great lesson, don't you
+know? It takes you straight to the heights.'
+
+"'Too straight,' I said. 'It turns out for nothing. It crosses a
+morass to avoid going around. When you reach the high ground you are
+covered with mud and slime. You need to be washed and disinfected, and
+perhaps you've caught a fever that will last as long as you live.
+Many a boy and girl have got mired in this swamp fiction that you
+enjoy so much. There are many of us who prefer to go around the swamp
+and keep on a decent footing even if it takes longer.'
+
+"'We want to know all sides of life,' said Harry.
+
+"'And would you care to see the girl you loved studying life in a
+brothel?'
+
+"'Well, really, you know, that's different,' Harry stammered.
+
+"'But the fact is, her feet might as well be in a brothel as her
+brain,' I insisted. 'She might shake the dust from her _feet_. Harry,
+there's one side of life that you ought to study at once--the American
+side. You've neglected the Western hemisphere in your studies. When
+can you start for the ranch?'
+
+"'Day after to-morrow--if you like. This place is a dreadful bore.'
+
+"'Good! I'll attend to the tickets to-day, The cart, drag, and horses
+will be all the better for a vacation, and the eyes of the people are
+in need of rest.'
+
+"'The whole outfit is going to be sold," said Harry. 'Idiots and the
+hoi polloi have quite ruined the sport here. The Governor is always
+poking fun at it, you know, and it has made me so weary! One can't
+stand that kind of thing forever--can he? I got after his helmet,
+battle-ax, and family tree, by Jove! Our crested chambermaids and
+bootblacks have been a great help to me. What a noble band of
+philanthropists! Father and I have made an agreement. He is going to
+chuck the battle-ax and saw the royal branches off our family tree and
+I am going to sell the drag, cart, and horses.'
+
+"'That's a great treaty,' I said. 'The settlement of the Alaskan
+frontier is not more important than fixing the boundaries of our
+social life. Let us surrender the tools of idiocy; especially, let us
+abandon all claim to the helmet and battle-ax. They're all right in
+their place, but they aren't ours. The plowshare and the pruning-hook
+are our symbols.'
+
+"'By Jove! you know, the old Bishop of St. Clare agrees with you
+exactly,' said Harry. 'I've been reading his life and writings, which
+I picked up in London, and he's about converted me to your way of
+thinking. He hated "the glittering idleness" of the rich and put
+industry above elegance.'
+
+"'And he doesn't intend that your education shall be neglected--he's
+looking after you.'
+
+"'He's as industrious as Destiny,' said the young man. 'Did you know
+that Cub Sayles is engaged?'
+
+"'To whom?'
+
+"'Mrs. Revere-Chalmers.'
+
+"'God rest his soul!' I exclaimed.
+
+"'It's just the thing for Cub,' said Harry. 'He's poor but presentable,
+and has many extravagant tastes. She's quite a bit older than he, of
+course, but that isn't unusual.'
+
+"'I warned him long ago, knowing that his folly would undo him. Now he
+will be a captain of New Thought, King of the Flub Dubs, advertising
+manager of the Psychological Hair Factory, and inspector of pimples.'
+
+"'But don't you know that he will have everything that he desires?'
+
+"'Except happiness.'
+
+"'Oh, I think that she is very fond of him!' said Harry. 'She told me
+to-day that he is the only man she ever loved, and the dear old girl
+thinks that she won him by concentration.'
+
+"With this remark, made on the 20th of May, Harry dropped out of the
+history of Pointview until December."
+
+
+
+
+XIII
+
+IN WHICH THE MINISTER GETS INTO LOVE AND TROUBLE
+
+
+"Cub resigned his place in my office next day, and confessed his
+purpose, and I heard him with sober respect and tried in every proper
+way to save him. It wouldn't work.
+
+"The lines of panic had left the face of Cub. The two-pound expression
+had departed from it. The faintness of chaperons would no longer
+imperil his comfort.
+
+"'A hundred and four pounds of candy and twenty suppers, and all for
+nothing!' I exclaimed. 'You ruin a girl's digestion and chuck her
+over. It isn't fair.'
+
+"'But, sir, I found that I didn't love her,' said Cub.
+
+"'What a waste of violets, confectionery, and crab-meat!'
+
+"'Yes, sir, in a way; but you see I had to have my training in
+society,' Cub declared.
+
+"What was the use? Cub had no more humor than a sewing-machine.
+
+"'The wedding day drew on apace, and just before its arrival a
+notorious weekly in New York gave the lady a drubbing. Certain
+circumstances that made her first marriage unhappy were plainly hinted
+at. The town shuddered with amazement. Cub stood pat, but the
+Episcopal minister refused to marry them. The Baptist minister balked.
+It looked like a postponement, but the knot was tied, on schedule
+time, by the Reverend Robert Knowles. That made no end of talk, and a
+small party of insurgents left his church. Deacon Benson was on the
+point of pulling out, and swore so much about it that I advised him to
+hang on for his own sake.
+
+"'But there ain't much to hang on to,' said the Deacon.
+
+"'Mrs. Revere-Chalmers-Sayles held a mortgage on the property of the
+Baptist Society of Pointview, and asked me to foreclose it.
+
+"'I have another mortgage on the Congregational church, and they're
+behind in their interest, but I'm not going to push them,' she said to
+me.
+
+"So young Mr. Knowles had acted from motives of business prudence, and
+was not much at fault. The old church had ceased to live within its
+means and had entered the 'charge it' van, and was trying to serve two
+masters.
+
+"Betsey and I paid both mortgages and threw them in the fire.
+
+"Young Mr. Knowles came to see us with Marie, and brought the thanks
+of the parish. They were a good-looking couple.
+
+"This minister of the First Congregational Church of Pointview now
+aspired to be the prime minister of its first heiress. Their
+acquaintance, which had begun in the arrangements for the servants'
+ball, had grown in warmth and intimacy as soon as Harry had gone.
+Robert began to take after Marie, with muffler open and all the gas
+on. He was a swell of a parson--utterly damned with good-fortune. Had
+an income from the estate of his father, a call from on high, a crest
+from Charlemagne, diplomas from college and the seminary, a fine
+figure, red cheeks, and 'heavenly eyes.' As to his fatal gift of
+beauty, the young ladies were of one mind. They agreed, also, about
+the cut of his garments, that were changed several times a day.
+
+"A dashing, masculine, head-punching spirit might have saved him with
+all his ballast, but he didn't have it. The Reverend Robert was a good
+fellow to everybody--a fairly sound-hearted, decent, handsome fellow,
+but not a man. To be that, one has to know things at first
+hand--especially work and trouble. He was a second-hand, school-made
+thinker. His doctrines came out of the books, but his conduct was
+mildly modern. He danced and smoked a little, and played bridge and
+golf, and made his visits in a handsome motor-car.
+
+"Marie liked the young man, and she and her mother rode and tramped
+about with him almost every day of that summer. Deacon Joe showed
+signs of faintness when he spoke of him.
+
+"One day I went up to the Benson homestead and found the old man
+sitting on his piazza alone.
+
+"'Where's Marie?' I asked.
+
+"'Off knocking around with the minister,' said Deacon Joe, in a voice
+frail with contempt.
+
+"'She might be in worse company,' I suggested.
+
+"'Maybe,' he snapped.
+
+"'What's the matter with the minister?'
+
+"'Nothing,' said the old man, with a chuckle. 'He's a complete
+gentleman, complete! So plaguy beautiful that he's a kind of a girl's
+plaything. He couldn't milk a cow or dig a hill o' potatoes. Acts kind
+o' faint an' sickly to me.'
+
+"The Deacon thoughtfully stirred the roots of his beard with the
+fingers of his right hand, and went on with a squint and a feeble tone
+which he seemed to think best suited to his subject.
+
+"'Talks so low you can hardly hear him. I have to set with my hand to
+my ear every Sunday to make out what he's sayin', an' he prays as if
+he had the lung fever. Talks o' hell as though it was a quart o' cold
+molasses. That's one reason we ain't no respect for it in this
+community. Ay--'es! That's the reason.'
+
+"He squinted his face thoughtfully and resumed with more energy.
+
+"'I like to hear a man get up on his hind legs and holler as they used
+to--by gravy! Ye can't scare anybody by whispers. Damn it, sir, what
+we need is an old-fashioned revival.'
+
+"The Deacon halted to take a chew of tobacco, and went on, with a
+sorrowful calmness:
+
+"'Now this young feller don't want to give no credit to God--not a
+bit--no, sir! Science has done everything. I've noticed it time an'
+ag'in. T'other Sunday he said that an angel spoke to Moses, an' the
+Bible says, as plain as A B C, that God spoke to him. How can he
+expect that God is going to bless his ministry, an' he never givin'
+Him any credit?'
+
+"'It's rather bad politics, anyhow,' I said.
+
+"'An' the church is goin' from bad to worse,' he complained. 'The
+average attendance is about forty-seven, an' it used to be between
+five an' six hundred, an' we are all taxed to death to keep it goin'.
+I have to pay three hundred a year for the privilege o' gittin' mad
+every Sunday. Two or three of us have got after him an' made him
+promise to do better. Some awful free-minded folks have crept into the
+church, an' the fact is, we need their money,' Deacon Joe went on.
+'What the minister ought to do is stick to the old doctrines that are
+safe an' sound. 'St'id o' that he's tryin' to sail 'twixt rock an'
+reef.'
+
+"'Between Scylla and Charybdis,' I suggested.
+
+"'Between Silly an' what?' the old man asked, as if in doubt of my
+meaning.
+
+"We were interrupted by the arrival of the Reverend Robert with Marie
+and her mother, in his handsome landaulet. Marie asked me to go with
+her to gather wild flowers in a bit of woodland not far away. I went,
+and soon saw her purpose. She had had the 'jolliest, cutest letter
+from Harry' that she had ever read, and seemed to be in doubt as to
+whether she ought to let him write to her.
+
+"'Has your grandfather forbidden it?' I asked.
+
+"'No.'
+
+"'Then it's up to you,' I said.
+
+"'Do you think he cares for me?'
+
+"'I should think him a fool if he didn't,' I said, looking down into
+her lovely dark eyes.
+
+"'But do you really and truly think that he cares for me?' she
+insisted.
+
+"'I suspect that he does.'
+
+"'Why?'
+
+"'A lawyer must not betray a confidence.'
+
+"'Do you like him?'
+
+"'Wait until his uneducation is completed, and I'll tell you. I am
+beginning to have hope for Harry.'
+
+"'I'm sorry grandpapa is so hateful!' she exclaimed, with a sigh.
+
+"I stood up for the old man and asked:
+
+"'Do you like the Reverend Robert?'
+
+"'Very much! He's so good-looking, and has such beautiful thoughts!
+Have you heard him preach?'
+
+"'No.'
+
+"'We think his sermons are fine. Everybody likes them but grandpapa.
+He wants noise, you know--lung power and old theology. I hate it!'
+
+"'He doesn't take to Robert?'
+
+"'No; he calls him a calf. Nobody is good enough for me, you know.
+He'd like me to marry some man with a hoe, who would take me to church
+and Sunday school every sabbath morning, and for a walk to the
+cemetery in the afternoon, and down to the prayer-meeting every
+Wednesday night, and on a journey from Genesis to Revelations once a
+year. It's too much to expect of a human being. Then the hoes are in
+the hands of Poles, Slavs, and Italians. So what am I to do?'
+
+"'Well, you are young--you can afford to wait a while,' I said.
+
+"'But not until I am old and all withered up. I am going to marry the
+man I love within a year or so, if he has the good sense to ask me.
+Don't you ever go to church?'
+
+"'No,' I said.
+
+"'Why not?'
+
+"I tried to think. There were the ministers--two boys and three old
+men--dried beef and veal! Not to my knowledge had a single one of them
+ever expressed an idea. They were seen, but not felt. The Church! Why,
+certainly, it was founded on the sweetness, strength, and sanity of a
+great soul. I had almost forgotten that. It had grown feeble. It had
+got its fortunes entangled in psychological hair. It should have been
+correcting the follies of the people--their selfishness, their sinful
+pride, their extravagance, their loss of honor and humanity. Had I not
+seen, in the case of Harry and his followers, how the Church had
+failed in its work? Ought it not to have sought and saved them long
+ago--saved them from needless disaster? It should have been appealing
+to their consciences. If appeals had failed it should have stung them
+with ridicule or raised a voice like that of Christ against the
+Pharisees. The Church! Why, it was living, not in the present, but in
+the past. Here in Pointview the Church itself had become one of the
+greatest follies of the time.
+
+"'I want you to go next Sunday and hear Mr. Knowles, as a favor to
+me--won't you?' Marie asked.
+
+"'Yes,' I said. 'In the next five Sundays I shall go to every
+Protestant church in Pointview. I want to know what they're doing. I
+shall put aside my scruples and go.'"
+
+
+
+
+XIV
+
+IN WHICH SOCRATES DISCOVERS A NEW FOLLY
+
+
+"Well, I went and saw the Reverend Robert Knowles sail between 'Silly
+and Charybdis.' He bumped on both sides, but did it rather gracefully.
+He reviewed the career of Samuel, who lived and died some thousands of
+years ago. The miraculous touch of Carlyle or Macaulay might easily
+have failed in the task of reviving a man so thoroughly dead. But the
+Reverend Robert entered this unequal contest with no evidence of
+alarm. The dead man prevailed. The power of his long sleep fell upon
+us. My head grew heavy. I felt my weight bearing down upon the
+cushions. A stiffness came into my bones.
+
+"On our way to church Betsey had placed the young minister in my
+thoughts. The trustees had reckoned that he would revive the interest
+of the young people in Sunday worship; and he did, but it was the
+worship of youth and beauty.
+
+"Well, the other churches were emptier than ever, and so the spiritual
+life of the community was in no way improved. In fact, I guess it had
+been a little embittered by the new conditions. As soon as it became
+known that Marie had won the prize of his favor the other girls had
+returned to their native altars, having discovered that the new
+minister was vain, worldly, and conceited.
+
+"Lettie Davis, who had made a dead set at him, had been strongly
+convinced of that as soon as he began to show a preference for Marie,
+and the Davis family had left the church and gone over to the
+Methodists. The young man had been filled with alarm. He feared it
+would wreck the church. That old ship of the faith was leaky and
+iron-sick, and down by the head and heel, as they say at sea. She
+rolled if one got off or on her.
+
+"Such was the condition of things when we entered the church of my
+fathers. We sat down in the Potter pew a few minutes before the
+service began. There were, by actual count, forty-nine people gathered
+around the altar of the old church, and behind us a great emptiness
+and the ghosts of the dead. In my boyhood I had sat in its dim light,
+with six hundred people filling every seat to the doors and a man of
+power and learning in the pulpit.
+
+"Faces long forgotten were there in those pews--old faces, young
+faces. How many thousands had left its altar to find distant homes or
+to go on their last journey to that nearer one in the churchyard! My
+heart was full and ready for strong meat, but none came to me. The
+moment of silence had been something rare--like an old Grecian vase
+wonderfully wrought. Then, suddenly, the singing fell upon us and
+broke the silence into ruins. It was in the nature of a breach of the
+peace. There are two kinds of people who ought to be gently but firmly
+restrained: the person that talks too much and the person that sings
+too much.
+
+"This young minister undoubtedly meant well. He's about the kind of a
+chap that I've seen in law-offices working for fifteen dollars a
+week--industrious, zealous, and able up to a point, and all right
+under supervision. He can be trusted to handle a small case with
+intelligence and judgment. But I wouldn't go to him for instruction in
+philosophy; and if I wished to relay the foundation of my life I
+should, naturally, consult some other person. As one might expect, he
+had searched the cellars of theology for canned goods, and with
+extraordinary success.
+
+"The young man had so lately arrived in this world he couldn't be
+expected to know much about its affairs, and especially about those
+of Samuel. It was graceful and decorous elocution. The Deacon
+expressed his opinion of it in snores, and I longed to follow suit.
+
+"The sermon ended with a dramatic recitation, and on our way out the
+minister met us at the door.
+
+"'You must manage to keep these people awake,' I suggested to him.
+
+"'How am I to do it?' he asked.
+
+"'Well, you might have a corps of pin-stickers carefully distributed
+in the pews, or you could put the pins in your sermon. I recommend the
+latter.'
+
+"We went away with a sense of injury.
+
+"'Let's keep trying,' said Betsey, 'until you find some one you would
+care to hear. I would feel at home in any of our churches. These days
+there's no essential difference between Congregationalists, Baptists,
+Methodists, Presbyterians, and Episcopalians. I've talked with all of
+them, and their differences are dead and gone. They stand in the
+printed creeds, but are no longer in the hearts of the people.'
+
+"'Then why all these empty churches?' I asked. 'Why don't the people
+get together in one great church?'
+
+"'Don't talk about the millennium,' said Betsey. 'We must try to make
+the best of what we have.'
+
+"Well, in the next four Sundays we went from church to church to get
+strength for our souls, and found only weakness and disappointment.
+Immune from ridicule and satire, the sacred inefficiency of our pulpit
+had waxed and grown and taken possession of the churches. And one
+thought came to me as I listened. There should be a number of exits to
+every Christian church, plainly marked: 'To be used in case of fire.'
+Ancient history, dead philosophy, sophomoric periods, bad music, empty
+pews, weary groups of the faithful longing for home, were, in brief,
+the things that we saw and heard. It was pathetic.
+
+"I began to think about it. Here were five church organizations, all
+weak, infirm, begging, struggling for life. The automobile and the
+golf and yacht clubs had nearly finished the work of destruction which
+incompetence had so ably begun. There was not much left of them; yet
+their combined property was worth about one hundred thousand dollars.
+They spent in the aggregate fifty-six hundred dollars for ministers'
+salaries, and their total average attendance was only four hundred and
+forty-nine. I could see no more extravagant waste of time, work, and
+capital in any other branch of human effort. Some would call it
+wicked, but, though we speak with the tongues of men and of angels,
+and have not charity, we had better have kept still.
+
+"The Reverend Mr. Knowles came to me within a day or two and
+apologized for his sermon. He complained that he couldn't be
+himself--that he didn't dare speak his thoughts.
+
+"'Whose thoughts do you speak?' I asked.
+
+"'Well, I trail along in the wake of the fathers.'
+
+"'Then you are feeding your flock on corned and kippered thoughts--on
+the dried and dug-up convictions of the dead. It isn't fair. It isn't
+even honest. The church here is dying of anemia for want of fresh
+food. The new world must have new thought to fit new conditions. Its
+outlook has been utterly changed. If a man who had never seen a
+locomotive or a motor-car or a tandem or a telephone or an electric
+light or the sons and daughters of a new millionaire or the home and
+crest of the same or a bill of a modern merchant were to come down out
+of the backwoods and try to tell us how to run the world, we should
+think him an ass, and wisely. Consider how these things have changed
+the spirit of man and surrounded it with new perils.'
+
+"'But think of the old fellows--the mossbacks--who hate your new
+philosophy,' said the minister.
+
+"'And think of the young fellows who are so easily tossed about. The
+moss of senility is covering the bloom of youth and the honor of
+youth.'"
+
+
+
+
+XV
+
+IN WHICH HARRY RETURNS TO POINTVIEW AND GOES TO WORK
+
+
+"Betsey and I were giving a dinner-party at our house. Mr. and Mrs.
+Henry Delance and the Warburtons and Dan and Lizzie had come over to
+discuss a plan for the correction of the greatest folly and
+extravagance in the village--namely, the waste of its spiritual
+energy.
+
+"At first we had to discuss a fact related to another folly, for the
+Delances told how Harry's pet collie had come up to the back door that
+day with a human skull in his mouth. Of course I knew that Harry's
+Bishop had returned, but held my peace about it. To them it had
+suggested murder, and they had consulted the chief of police.
+
+[Illustration: "HARRY'S PET COLLIE HAD COME UP TO THE BACK DOOR WITH A
+HUMAN SKULL IN HIS MOUTH"]
+
+"'How do you know that it is not one of your ancestors dug up in a
+back pasture,' I said.
+
+"'It might be William the Conqueror,' Lizzie remarked.
+
+"'I deny it,' said Delance, in perfect good nature. 'We have resigned
+from William's family. As a matter of fact, I never joined it.'
+
+"I congratulated him.
+
+"'It has always seemed like the merest poppycock to me--this
+genealogical craze of the ladies,' said Henry. 'When our London
+solicitor wrote that it would take another hundred pounds to establish
+the connection beyond a doubt, he gave away the whole scheme, and I
+resigned. It was too silly. In these days of titled chambermaids I
+think we shall worry along pretty well without William.'
+
+"Then Betsey said: 'I was reading in the county history to-day that
+old Zebulon Delance, who was killed in a fight with Indians in 1750,
+was buried in a meadow back of his house.'
+
+"'It may be the skull of old Zeb,' said Henry.
+
+"'Now there's an ancestor worth having,' I suggested.
+
+"'I wonder if it can belong to old Zeb,' Henry mused.
+
+"At last we got to my plan. I pictured the condition of the community
+as I saw it, and the inefficiency of the church and the need of a new
+and active power in Pointview.
+
+"I proposed that we buy the old skating-rink and remodel it, employ
+the best talent in America, and start a new center of power in the
+community--a power that should, first of all, keep us sane, and then
+as decent as possible. The mathematics of the enterprise were at my
+fingers' ends:
+
+                "Initial Expenses              $15,000
+                "Annual Outlay for Instruction   8,000
+                "For Music                       3,500
+                "For Maintenance                 1,000
+                "For Management                  3,500
+
+"It was no small matter, but the initial expense and the first year's
+outlay were subscribed in ten minutes. Betsey set the ball rolling
+with an offer of ten thousand dollars, and then it was like shaking
+ripe apples off a tree.
+
+"'Who is to be the manager?' Delance wanted to know. 'It's a big
+job.'
+
+"'I propose that we try Harry,' I said; 'in my opinion it will
+interest him. I've had him in training for a year or so, and he's
+about ready for big work.'
+
+"'I don't believe Harry can do it,' his father declared.
+
+"'I should think it might not be to his taste,' said Bill Warburton.
+
+"'But I have later and better information than the rest of you,' I
+said. 'If you will leave the matter in my hands you may hold me
+responsible for the results.'
+
+"They gave me the white card. I could do as I liked. The fact is, I
+had just had a letter from Harry which filled me with new hope. I have
+it here."
+
+The Honorable Socrates Potter took the letter from his pocket and
+said:
+
+"You see, Harry has been discovering America. He is the Columbus of
+our heiristocracy. His mental map has been filled with great cities
+and splendid hotels, and thrifty towns and enormous areas of wheat and
+corn, and astonishing distances and sublime mountain scenes. Moreover,
+he has learned the joys of a simple life; he had to. Of course, he
+knew of these things, but feebly and without pride, as one knows the
+Tetons who has never seen them. Leaving in May, he stopped in all the
+big cities, and finished his journey from the railroad with a
+stage-ride of some ninety miles. Of the stage-ride and other matters,
+he writes thus:
+
+"'On the front seat with the driver sat a lady smoking a cigar, who,
+now and then, offered us a drink from a bottle. At her side was a lady
+with a wooden leg, and a hen in her hand. You know every woman is a
+lady out here. The driver swore at the horses, the hen swore at the
+lady, and several of the passengers swore at each other, and it was
+all done in the most amiable spirit. Two rough-necks sat beside me who
+kept shooting with revolvers at sage-hens as they--the men, not the
+hens--irrigated the tires with tobacco-juice. At the next stop I got
+into a row with a one-eyed professor of elocution, because he said I
+carried too much for the size of my mule, an' didn't speak proper. He
+objected to my pronunciation, and I to his choice of words. In the
+argument his revolver took sides with him. I got one of my toes lopped
+with a bullet, and the lady who carried the cigar and the bottle took
+me to her home and nursed me like a mother, and the lady with the
+wooden leg brought me strawberries every day and sang to me and told
+me some good stories. I had thought it was a God-forsaken country,
+but, you see, I was wrong. There's more real practical Christianity
+among these people than I ever saw before, and it's hard work to be an
+ass here. The way of the ass is full of trouble, and I begin to
+understand why you wanted me to come out to Wyoming. The people are
+rough, but as kind as angels. Felt like turning back, but these women
+put new heart in me, especially the wooden-legged one.
+
+"'"We don't like parlor talk out here," she said; "it ain't considered
+good ettikit. Folks don't mind a little, but if it goes too fur it's
+considered insultin' an' everybody begins to speak to ye like he was
+talkin' to a balky mule."
+
+"'I went on as soon as I was able, and spent the whole summer on the
+back of a cayuse. Got lost in the mountains; went hungry and cold like
+the wolf, as Garland puts it, for three days; had to think my way back
+to camp. It was the best schooling in geography and logic and American
+humanity that I ever had. Every man at the ranch, and the women, had
+been out hunting for me. I offered them money, but they woudn't take a
+cent--the joy of seeing me was enough. They haven't a smitch of the
+revolting money-hunger of the average European. With all its faults I
+am proud of my country. I want you to find a good, big American job
+for me.
+
+"'I have been reading the Bishop of St. Clare, who says: "There hath
+been more energy expended in swaggering about with full bellies and a
+burden of needless fat than would move the island to the main shore.
+If thy purse be used to buy immunity from work, it secureth immunity
+from manhood; and what is a man without manhood?"
+
+"'There is the American idea for you.
+
+"'Deacon Joe has got to change his mind about me. Marie has only
+written me one letter, and that was a frost. If you have any influence
+with the girl, don't let her get engaged to that parson.'
+
+Socrates laughed as he put the letter away, and went on:
+
+"Well, Harry came back, browned and brawny, with his cayuse, saddle,
+and sombrero, and a shooting-iron half as long as my arm.
+
+"He came here for a talk with me the day after his arrival. The
+subject of a lifework was pressing on him.
+
+"'Have you seen Zeb?' was his first query.
+
+"'Zeb?' I asked. 'Who is Zeb?'
+
+"'That dear old, irrepressible bishop,' said Harry. 'They have dug him
+up and named him Zeb, and put him on a top shelf in the library. They
+think he is one of our great-grandfathers.'
+
+"'Oh, he has been promoted,' I remarked.
+
+"Harry went on:
+
+"'My dog is responsible for the reappearance of the bishop. I took him
+with me that night, and he knew where to find it. Father is sure that
+it's the head of old Zeb Delance.'
+
+"'Let the Bishop rest where he is,' I suggested. 'Now that he has
+converted you, he will probably let up. At least, let us hope that he
+will not worry you. Of course he will remind you of past follies every
+time you look at him, but that will do you no harm.'
+
+"'Oh, I couldn't forget him! Father has been reading up on Zeb, and he
+does nothing but talk about him. He has learned that the Indians
+buried the head and burned the body of a victim.'
+
+"'He symbolizes the change in your taste. Zeb was a man of action--a
+worker. What do you propose to do now?'
+
+"'Well, I have thought some of following Dan into agriculture.'
+
+"'Don't,' was my answer. 'You're not the type for that kind of a job.
+Dan was brought up to work with his hands. I fear that you would be a
+Fifth Avenue farmer.'
+
+"'Well, what would you say to a plant for the manufacture of
+aeroplanes? I stopped at Dayton and looked into the matter, and
+learned to fly. I have ordered a biplane, and it will be delivered in
+the spring.'
+
+"I vetoed that plan, and asked where he proposed to settle.
+
+"'Right here--if possible,' said Harry.
+
+"'Good! There's one thing about your family tree that I like, and you
+ought to be proud of it. Your forebears, having been treated with
+shameless oppression, came to these inhospitable shores in 1630. They
+needn't have done it if they had been willing to knuckle down and say
+they liked crow when they didn't. They wouldn't do that, so they left
+the old sod and ventured forth in a little sailing-vessel on the
+mighty deep. It required some courage to do that. They landed safely,
+and for nearly three hundred years their descendants have lived and
+worked and suffered all manner of hardships in New England. It's a
+proper thing, Harry, that you should do your work where, mostly, they
+did their work--in dear old Connecticut.'
+
+"'And besides, it's the home of Marie,' he said.
+
+"'And let us consider what there is to be done in the home of Marie,'
+I went on. 'Here in the very town where so many of your fathers have
+lived and worked we find a singular parade of folly. The idle rich
+from a near city are closing in upon us. Many of the Yankees have
+acquired property and ceased to work. Back in the distant hills they
+toil not, but live from hand to mouth in a pitiful state of
+degeneration. The work of the hand is almost entirely that of
+Italians, Poles, Hungarians, and Greeks.
+
+"'Our tradesmen have a low code of honor. They overcharge us for the
+necessities of life. Many of them have been caught cheating. Our wives
+and sons and daughters are living beyond their means, as if ignorant
+of the fact that it is the beginning of dishonesty. Our poverty is
+mostly that of the soul. The churches are dying, and the sabbath is
+dead. What we need is a return to the honor, sanity, and common sense
+of old New England, which gave of its fullness to the land we love.
+Let's start a school of old-fashioned decency and Americanism. Let's
+call it the Church of All Faiths and make it a center of power.'
+
+"I laid the scheme before him in all its details, and then--
+
+"'I'm with you,' he said, 'and I think I can see Knowles moving and
+Deacon Joe coming down off his high horse.'
+
+"'Possibly we could use Knowles,' I suggested. 'There'll be a lot of
+detail.'
+
+"'But only as a kind of clerk,' said Harry.
+
+"As a kind of clerk, I agreed. 'We shall need a number of clerks. I
+intend that every family within ten miles shall be visited at least
+once a week. We shall not only let our light shine, but we shall make
+it shine into every human heart in this community. If they're too
+callous we'll punch a hole with our trusty blade and let the light in.
+The lantern and the rapier shall be our weapons.'
+
+"Harry was full of enthusiasm. He had met Marie on the street, and she
+was glad to learn that he was going to work.
+
+"'Incidentally, I hope to win your grandfather's consent,' he had said
+to her.
+
+"And she had answered: 'If you could do that I should think you were
+an extremely able young man.'
+
+"'And worthy of the best girl living?' Harry had urged.
+
+"'That's too extravagant,' Marie had said as she left him.
+
+"Harry went to work with me at once. He bought the rink and the ground
+beneath it and some more alongside. We spent days and nights with an
+architect making and remaking the plans, and by and by we knew that
+we were right. Soon the contractor began his work, and in three months
+we had finished the most notable meeting-house of modern times.
+
+"The walls were tinted a rich cream color, the woodwork was painted
+white. There were new carpets in the aisles, and between them
+comfortable seats for nine hundred people. The fine old pulpit from
+which Jonathan Edwards had preached his first sermon was the center of
+a little garden of ferns and palms and vines and mosses, all growing
+in good ground, with a small fountain in their midst--a symbol of
+purity. A great sheet of plate glass behind the pulpit showed a
+thicket of evergreens. High above the pulpit was another big sheet of
+glass, through which one got a broad view of the sky, and it was
+framed in these words: 'The heavens declare the glory of God and the
+firmament showeth his handiwork.'
+
+"The walls were adorned with handsome pictures loaned by my friends.
+On one wall were these modern commandments, most of which were gleaned
+from the masterly volume entitled _The Life and Writings of Robert
+Delance, Bishop of St. Clare_, which Harry had found in a London
+bookstore:
+
+"1. 'Be grateful unto God, for He hath given thee life, time, and this
+beautiful world. Other things thou shalt find for thyself.'
+
+"2. 'Be brave with thy life, for it is very long.'
+
+"3. 'Waste no time, for thy time is very little.'
+
+"4. 'See that this world is the better for thy work and kindness.'
+
+"5. 'Doubt not the truth of that thy senses tell thee, for thy God is
+no deceiver.'
+
+"6. 'Love the truth and live it, for no one is long deceived by
+lying.'
+
+"7. 'Give not unto the beast and neglect thy brother.'
+
+"8. 'Go find thy brothers in the world and see that these be many, for
+a man's strength and happiness are multiplied by the number of his
+brothers.'
+
+"9. 'Beware lest thy wealth come between thee and them and tend to
+thine own poverty and theirs.'
+
+"10. 'Suffer little children to come unto thee, for of such is the
+kingdom of heaven.'
+
+"The simple-hearted old Bishop had just the philosophy we needed. It
+seemed to have been carefully designed to meet the inventiveness of
+the modern sinner. He was turning out well and had already exerted a
+wholesome influence on the character of Harry. Would that all
+ancestors were as well chosen!
+
+"We did not wish to hinder the other churches, and that spirit went
+into all our plans. First, then, we decided that our services should
+begin at twelve o'clock every Sunday, and close at one or before
+twenty minutes after one. That gave our parishioners a chance to go
+to the other churches if they wanted to. I traveled from Boston to St.
+Louis, and returned _via_ Washington, to engage talent for our pulpit.
+I wanted the best that this land afforded, and was prepared to pay its
+price. I engaged nine ministers, distinguished for eloquence and
+learning, three Governors, the Mayor of a Western city, two United
+States Senators, one Congressman, and a Justice of the Supreme Court
+of the land. They were all great-souled men, who had shown in word and
+action a touch of the spirit of Jesus Christ. Some of them had been
+throwing light into dark places and driving money-changers from the
+temple and casting out devils. They were all qualified to enlighten
+and lift up our souls.
+
+"I asked that their lessons should be drawn from the lives of the
+modern prophets--Abraham Lincoln, Silas Wright, Daniel Webster,
+Charles Sumner, Henry Clay, Noah Webster, George William Curtis,
+Ralph Waldo Emerson, Sidney Lanier, Horace Greeley, and others like
+them. What I sought most was an increase of the love of honor and the
+respect for industry in our young men and women. Holiness was a thing
+for later consideration, it seemed to me.
+
+"I put a full-page advertisement in each local paper, which read about
+as follows:
+
+"'The Church of All Faiths.
+
+"'Built especially for sinners and for good people who wish to be
+better.
+
+"'Will begin its work in this community Sunday, June 19th, at twelve
+o'clock, with a sermon by Socrates Potter, Esq., of Pointview, in
+which he will set forth his view of what a church should do, and an
+account of what this church proposes to do, for its parishioners.
+Other churches are cordially invited to worship, and to work with us
+for the good of Pointview.'
+
+"The curiosity of all the people had been whetted to a keen edge. They
+had begged for information, but Betsey and I had said that they
+should know all about it in due time. I had given my plan to the
+contributors only, and they were to keep still about it.
+
+"Sometimes silence is the best advertisement, and certain men who seem
+to be so modest that they are shocked by the least publicity are the
+greatest advertisers in the world. The man who hides his candle under
+a bushel is apt to be the one whose candle is best known. So it
+happened with us. Nine hundred and sixteen people filled the seats in
+our church that morning by twelve o'clock, and two hundred more were
+trying to get in.
+
+"At the next service an honored minister whose soul is even greater
+than his fame preached for us, and that week a petition came to me,
+signed by six hundred citizens, complaining that the hour was
+inconvenient, and asking that it be changed to 10.30 A.M. I believe in
+the voice of the people, and obeyed it; but I knew what would happen,
+and it did. The other churches were deserted and silent. One by one
+their ministers came to see me--all save one old gentleman in whom the
+brimstone of wrath had begun to burn more fiercely. We needed and were
+glad to have the help of two of them. There were the sick and the poor
+to be visited; there were weddings and funerals and countless details
+in the organization of the new church to be attended to.
+
+"I ought to tell you that a curious and unexpected thing had happened.
+Fisherfolk, street gamins, caddies, loafers on the docks and in the
+livery stables, millionaires and million-heiresses--people who had
+thought themselves either above or below religion--came to our
+meetings. Each resembled in numbers a political rally.
+
+"We have started an improvement school for Sunday evenings, in which
+the great story is told in lectures and fine photographs thrown on a
+screen. And not only the great story, but any story calculated to
+inspire and enlighten the youthful mind. The best of the world's work
+and art and certain of the great novels will be presented in this way.
+I am going to get the great men of the world to give us three-minute
+sermons on the phonograph. Thus I hope to make it possible for our
+people to hear the voices and sentiments of kings, presidents,
+premiers, statesmen, and prophets--the men and women who are making
+history.
+
+"We have started a small country club where poor boys and girls can
+enjoy billiards, bowling, golf, and tennis. Any boy or girl in this
+town who has a longing for better things is sought and found by our
+ministers, and all kinds of encouragement are offered. People and
+clergy of almost every faith that is known here in Pointview are
+working side by side for one purpose. Think of that! The revolution
+has been complete and mainly peaceful. As to the expense of it all,
+we tax the rich, and for the rest we temper the wind to the length of
+their wool.
+
+"Of course, there were certain people who didn't like it, and among
+them was Deacon Joe. He and four others hired a minister, and sat in
+lonely sorrow in the old church every Sunday, until the expense
+sickened them. Then the Deacon got mad at the town, and refused to be
+seen in it.
+
+"'Reach everybody,' had been one of our mottoes, and Deacon Joe said
+that he guessed we wouldn't reach him."
+
+
+
+
+XVI
+
+WHICH PRESENTS AN INCIDENT IN OUR CAMPAIGN AGAINST NEW NEW ENGLAND
+
+
+"We had some adventures in new New England which ought to be set down.
+Here's one of them.
+
+"The old village of Trent lies back in the hills, a little journey
+from Pointview, on the shores of a pleasant river. To the unknowing
+traveler, who approaches from either hilltop, it has a peaceful and
+inviting look. But the rutted, rocky road begins at once to excite
+suspicion. A bad road is an indication and a producer of degeneracy in
+man and beast. It tends to profanity, and if it went far would
+probably lead to hell. Trent itself is one of the little modern hells
+of New England. There are the venerable and neatly fashioned houses of
+the old-time Yankee--the peaked roofs and gables, the columns, the
+cozy verandas, the garden spaces. But the old-time Yankees are gone.
+The well-kept gardens are no more. Many of the houses are going to
+ruin. One is an Italian tenement. The others are inhabited by
+coachmen, chauffeurs, gardeners, mill-hands, and degenerate Yankees.
+The inn is a mere barroom. Sounds of revelry and the odor of stale
+beer come out of it. In front are teams of burden, abandoned, for a
+time, by their drivers, and sundry human signs of decay loafing in the
+shadow of the old lindens. Among them are the seedy remnants of a once
+noble race. They are fettered by 'rheumatiz' and the disordered liver.
+They move like boats dragging their anchors. To make life tolerable
+their imaginations need assistance. They are like the Flub Dubs of
+lost Atlantis. Each imagines himself the greatest man in the village.
+They talk in loud words. They quarrel and fight over the crown. So it
+has been a brawling, besotted community.
+
+"Trent's leading citizen is a Yankee politician who owns most of its
+real estate and derives a profit from its lawless traffic. Trent has
+been his enterprise.
+
+"Knowles went over there one day to conduct a funeral, which was
+interrupted by a dog-fight under the coffin and nearly broken up by a
+row over two dollars which had been found in a pocket of the dead
+man.
+
+"We opened a club-house next to the hotel, and began a campaign for
+the regeneration of Trent. Soon we discovered that its one officer was
+unwilling to arrest offenders against law and order. We had him
+removed and a new man put in his place. This man was set upon and
+severely beaten, and lost interest in the good work. Then Harry
+applied for the job and got it. He took with him a force of husky
+young men--mostly college boys. The first day on duty he arrested in
+the street a drunken man who carried in his hands a small sack of
+potatoes. The latter whistled for help, and the enemies of law and
+order swarmed out of their haunts. Harry had become an expert ball
+pitcher, noted for speed and accuracy. He floored his man and took
+possession of the potatoes, with which he proceeded to defend himself.
+Only two balls were pitched, but they held the enemy in check until
+Harry's deputies had rushed out of the club-house. A flying wedge
+scattered the crowd. No further violence was needed. The ruffians saw
+that he meant business and had the nerve and muscle to carry it
+through, and nothing more was necessary--just then.
+
+"They took the drunken man to the lock-up, and came back and got a
+bartender, and led him in the same path. Harry has the situation well
+in hand, and is the most popular man in our community. Every day we
+have items to put to his credit, and nothing to charge against his
+reputation. There's something going on at the club every evening, and
+the rooms are crowded. Those men who had sat day by day brawling under
+the lindens now spend most of their leisure in the reading and card
+rooms. Peace reigns in Trent. Such is the power of united benevolence
+working with the strong hand and the courageous spirit."
+
+
+
+
+XVII
+
+WHICH PRESENTS A DECISIVE INCIDENT IN OUR CAMPAIGN AGAINST OLD NEW
+ENGLAND
+
+
+"Harry was pretty well disabled with affection for a time. He was like
+a Yankee with the 'rheumatiz,' and you know when a Yankee gets hold of
+the 'rheumatiz' he hangs on. It don't often get away from him. It
+becomes an asset--a conservational asset--an ever-present help in time
+of haying.
+
+"Since Harry's return the tactics of Marie had been faultless. Her
+eyes had said, 'Come on,' while her words had firmly held him off. He
+shook the tree every time they met, but the squirrel wouldn't come
+down.
+
+"It was a hard part for Marie to play, between the pressure of two
+handsome boys and her duty to grandpapa. The Reverend Robert had won
+the favor of the old gentleman by turning from tennis to agriculture
+for exercise. He had gone over to the Benson farm and helped with the
+spring's work; he had supper there every Sunday evening, after which
+he conducted a little service for the Deacon's benefit. He was
+pressing, as they say in golf, and it didn't improve his game. I saw
+that Marie was not quite so fond of him. I had maintained an attitude
+of strict neutrality, but could not fail to observe that Marie had
+begun to lean.
+
+"'You have captured the rest of Pointview, and you ought to be able to
+take Benson's Hill,' Marie had said to Harry. 'Grandfather is the last
+enemy of your crusade.'
+
+"It was a timely touch on the accelerator, and Harry began to speed up
+a little.
+
+"'The farm is so well defended, and there's nothing I dread so much as
+a hickory cane,' the boy had answered. 'The last visit I made to the
+farm I wondered whether I was going to convert him to my way of
+thinking, or he was going to convert me to jelly.'
+
+"Indeed, Deacon Joe stood firm as a mountain. People were saying that
+the minister would win in a walk, when Marie converted her grandfather
+by the most remarkable bit of woman's strategy that I ever observed.
+It was Napoleonic.
+
+"One day in May, Harry came, much excited, to my office. Deacon Joe
+was about to move to his island, a mile or so off shore. He was going
+to take Marie with him for an indefinite period. No boat would be
+permitted to land there except his own and the Reverend Robert's.
+Marie would be a sort of prisoner. That day she had told him of the
+plan of her grandfather. In Harry's opinion Knowles had suggested
+it.
+
+"'Where is the girl's mother?' I asked.
+
+"'On some Cook's tour in Europe, and the old man is crazy as a March
+hare,' said my young friend. 'He's got a lot of bulldogs over there,
+and his hired men have been instructed to shoot a hole in any boat
+that comes near.'
+
+"I went over to the Benson homestead that afternoon, and found Deacon
+Joe sitting on the piazza.'
+
+"'How are you?' I asked.
+
+"'Not very stout,' said he; 'heart flutters like a ketched bird.'
+
+"'What are you doing for it?'
+
+"'Doctor give me some medicine; I fergit the name of it, but it is the
+stuff they use to blow up safes with.'
+
+"'Nitroglycerin! The very thing! I hope they will succeed in blowing
+up your safe.'
+
+"I was pretty close to the old man, and was always very frank with
+him. He liked opposition, and was as fond of warfare as an Old
+Testament hero.
+
+"'What, sir?' he asked.
+
+"'There are some folks that have got to be blowed up before you can
+get an old idea out of their heads,' I went on. 'They are locked up
+with rust. That's what's the matter with you, Deacon. Your brain needs
+to be blowed open an' aired. You stored it full of ideas sixty years
+ago and locked the door for fear they'd get away. They should have
+been taken out and sorted over at least once a year, and some thrown
+into the fire to make room for better ones. If life does you any good,
+if it really teaches you anything, your brain must keep changing its
+contents.'
+
+"The Deacon hammered the table with his cane, as he shouted:
+
+"'You cussed fool of a lawyer! Don't you know that truth never
+changes? Truth, sir, is eternal.'
+
+"Then I took the bat. 'Truth often changes, but error is eternal,' I
+said. 'You know when you want to prove anything, these days, you
+quote from the memoirs of a great man. Well, I was reading the memoirs
+of the late Doctor Godfrey Vogeldam Guph not long ago. He told of a
+man who was very singular, but not so singular as the doctor seemed to
+think. This man knew more than any human being has a right to know. He
+knew the plans of God, and had formed an unalterable opinion about all
+his neighbors. Then he locked up his mind and guarded it night and
+day, for fear that somebody would break in and carry off its contents.
+And it did seem as if people wanted to get hold of his treasure, for
+they often came and asked about it, and some even questioned its
+value. He said, "Away with you--truth is eternal, and my soul is full
+and I will part with none of it."
+
+"'Meanwhile the truth about things around him began to change. Neighbor
+Smith became a good man. Neighbor Brown became a bad man. Priscilla
+Jones, who had been a vain and foolish woman, was one of the saints of
+God. The foundations of the world had changed. In a generation it
+had grown millions of years older and different--wonderfully
+different! Even God himself had changed, it would seem. His methods were
+not as people had thought them. His character was milder. Everything
+had changed but this one man. Now when he died and came to St. Peter,
+the latter said to him:
+
+"'"Who were your friends?"
+
+"'The new-comer thought a minute, and mentioned the names of some
+people who had been long dead. "They know the truth about me," he
+said.
+
+"'"Ah, but the truth changes, and they haven't seen you in many
+years," said St. Peter.
+
+"'"But I have not changed," said the man. "I am just as when they saw
+me."
+
+"'"Then you are a fool or the chief of sinners," said St. Peter.
+"Behold a man as changeless as the flint-stone, who has made no
+friends in over forty years! That is all I need to know about you.
+Take either gate you please."
+
+"'"One leads to Heaven--doesn't it?" said the new-comer, in great
+alarm.
+
+"'"Yes, but you wouldn't recognize the place. There isn't a soul in
+paradise that cares which way you go--not a soul in all its multitude
+that will be glad to see you. They have better company. Stranger! go
+which way you please, Heaven will be as uncomfortable as hell."
+
+"Deacon Joe gave me close attention, and I saw that my sword had
+nicked him a little. Anything that affected his hope of Paradise was
+sure to engage his thought. He shook his head, and said that he didn't
+believe it. But he couldn't fool me. I knew that the seed of change
+had struck into him.
+
+"I gave him another thrust. 'Deacon, you knew Harry Delance when he
+was a fool. But the truth about _him_ has changed. He is now a
+hard-working, level-headed young fellow, and you ought to be his
+friend.'
+
+"'Wal, I like the way he cuffed them fellers over at Trent,' said the
+Deacon. 'He pounded 'em noble--that's sartin. Mebbe if he licks a few
+more men I'll begin to like him.'
+
+"'Give him a chance,' was my answer. 'I hear that you are going to
+move for the summer.'
+
+"'Goin' to my island to-morrow,' said Deacon Joe. 'I'm sick of the
+autymobiles an' the young spendthrifts hangin' around Marie, an' her
+extravagance, an' the new church nonsense, an' the other goin's-on.
+I've got a good house there, an' Marie an' I are goin' to rest an'
+stroll around without bein' run over until her mother comes back. The
+only trouble I have there is the hired men. They rob me right an'
+left. I wish somebody would lick them.'
+
+"'You really need a young man like Harry,' I urged. 'And Marie needs
+him. She'll be lonely over there.'
+
+"'Not a bit,' said the Deacon. 'She'll have a saddle-horse, and young
+Knowles can come over once a week, if he wants to. I hear he's done
+splendid lately.'
+
+"'He's doing well, but I am inclined to think that Harry is the better
+man,' I said, taking sides for the first time.
+
+"'I don't believe it,' was the answer of Deacon Joe. 'Knowles is
+getting pretty sensible, and his voice is stronger.'
+
+"The Deacon moved next day, and when Sunday came I went over in a boat
+with the Reverend Robert at eight o'clock in the morning. I was taking
+a stroll on the beach when I met him, and he asked me to go along. It
+was just a social call, he explained. Incidentally, he was going to
+pray and read a Scripture lesson at the Deacon's request. As we left
+the dock, Harry came riding by on one of his thoroughbreds and I
+waved my hand to him. When we got to the Deacon's landing, I said to
+Robert:
+
+"'As I am not invited, perhaps you had better announce me to Deacon
+Joe, while I stay here in the boat.'
+
+"'All right,' he said, as he gaily jumped ashore and tied the painter
+rope.
+
+"Robert hurried in the direction of the little house, and had covered
+half the distance, when a bulldog came sneaking toward him. Robert saw
+the dog, and ran for a tree. He was making handsome progress up the
+trunk of the tree when the dog reached him, and, seizing a leg of his
+trousers, began to surge backward. The cloth parted at the knee, and
+between the pulling of man and dog, Robert lost about all the lower
+end of one trousers-leg. The hired man came running out with some more
+dogs, and said:
+
+"'It's all right, Mr. Knowles, you can come down. I hope he didn't
+hurt you.'
+
+"'Excuse me,' said the young man, 'but I think I'll stay here a
+while.'
+
+"Three dogs stood at the foot of the tree looking anxiously upward.
+
+"'They won't hurt you while I'm here,' said the hired man.
+
+"'I won't take any chances,' said Robert. 'Go shut up your lions, and
+I'll come down.'
+
+"'Who's that in the boat?' the hired man asked.
+
+"'Mr. Potter,' said Robert.
+
+"'Well, he mustn't land 'less the old man says so--I don't care who he
+is.'
+
+"Just then the hired man changed his position suddenly, and stood
+looking into the sky. I turned and saw an aeroplane coming down like
+some great bird from the hills, behind the village. It sailed high
+above the spires, and coasted down to a level some fifty feet above
+the water-plane between shore and island. In a minute or so it roared
+over me, circled the point, and came down in the open field that
+faced the Deacon's cottage. Dogs and chickens flew and ran in great
+confusion as it swooped to earth. I knew that Harry and his new flier
+had reached the island of Deacon Joe, and I hurried ashore to
+see--well, 'to see what I could see,' as the old song has it. Harry
+jumped from his seat. The hired man ran toward him. Deacon Joe and
+Marie and a woman-servant hurried out-of-doors.
+
+"In less time than it takes to tell it, Harry had licked the hired
+man, and kicked two dogs in the belly till they ran for life, and shot
+another one, and was chasing a second hired man around the wood-shed.
+Not being able to run fast enough to do further damage, Harry came to
+the astonished group in front of the house and caught Marie in his
+arms and kissed her.
+
+"Then he turned to the Deacon, and said: 'Sir, I will keep off your
+island if you wish, but I do not propose to be bluffed when I come to
+pay my compliments to you and Marie.'
+
+[Illustration: "HE LOOKED LIKE A MAN WITH A WOODEN LEG"]
+
+"Deacon Joe was dumb with astonishment. The young minister came down
+out of his tree and walked slowly toward the group, with rags flapping
+over one extremity of his union-suit. He looked like a man with a
+wooden leg.
+
+"'How did ye get here?' Deacon Joe demanded of Harry.
+
+"'Jumped from the top of Delance's Hill and landed right here,' said
+the latter.
+
+"'In that awful-lookin' thing?' the Deacon asked, pointing with his
+cane and squinting at the big biplane.
+
+"'In that thing,' Harry answered.
+
+"'How long did it take ye?'
+
+"'About five minutes.'
+
+"'It's impossible,' said the Deacon, as he approached the biplane and
+began to look at it.
+
+"'But you'll see me jump back again in a little while,' Harry assured
+him.
+
+"'Geehanniker!' the Deacon exclaimed. 'Jumped from the top of
+Delance's Hill an' licked my caretaker an' chased a hired man an'
+sp'ilt two dogs an' treed the minister and kissed the lady o' the
+house--all in about ten minutes. I guess you're a good deal of a
+feller.'
+
+"It was the kind of thing that warmed the warrior soul of the Deacon.
+
+"'Hello--here's a dead dog,' said Harry. 'If you'll have one of the
+men bring me a shovel I'll bury him there in the garden. Meanwhile you
+may tell me how much I owe you for the two dogs.'
+
+"'I guess about twenty-five dollars,' said the Deacon.
+
+"'How much off for cash?' Harry asked.
+
+"'Wal, sir, if you ain't goin' to ask me to charge it, ten dollars
+would do,' the Deacon allowed.
+
+"'There's a wonderful power in cash,' said Harry, as he produced the
+money.
+
+"'You're gettin' some sense in your head,' said the Deacon.
+
+"The shovel was brought; and Harry, who had expected to shoot a dog
+or two and had been practising for this very act, put his victim under
+three feet of soil in as many minutes. That also pleased the Deacon.
+
+"'Purty cordy, too,' the latter said, as he turned to Marie. 'Now,
+girl, take your choice. I want to know which is which, an' stop bein'
+bothered about it.'
+
+"She made her choice then and there, and as to which of the two it may
+have been you will have no doubt when I tell you that Marie had
+planned every detail in this bit of strategy and Harry had been man
+enough to put it through.
+
+"'You know Zeb's commandment has been a help to me,' he said, when I
+offered congratulations. '"Be brave with your life, for it is very
+long."'
+
+"The Deacon has changed. His heart and mind are open. Every Sunday you
+may see him in a front seat, drinking at the new fount of inspiration;
+and it is a rule of his life to make a new friend every day. I'm
+inclined to think that the old man has been saved at last.
+
+"Yes, we try to reach everybody in one way or another."
+
+THE END
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of 'Charge It', by Irving Bacheller
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