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diff --git a/29518.txt b/29518.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..3334bd3 --- /dev/null +++ b/29518.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1886 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol 150, +February 9, 1916, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol 150, February 9, 1916 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: July 27, 2009 [EBook #29518] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH/CHARIVARI, FEB 9, 1916 *** + + + + +Produced by Jason Isbell, Jonathan Ingram and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 150 + +FEBRUARY 9, 1916 + + + + +[Illustration: _Tommy._ "'Ere, Ted, what's the matter?" _Ted_ +(_ex-plumber_). "Wy, I'm goin' back for me baynet, o' course."] + + * * * * * + +CHARIVARIA. + +The German claim that as the result of the Zeppelin raid "England's +industry to a considerable extent is in ruins" is probably based on the +fact that three breweries were bombed. To the Teuton mind such a +catastrophe might well seem overwhelming. + +* * * + +A possible explanation of the Government's action in closing the Museums +is furnished by the _Cologne Gazette_, which observes that "if one +wanted to find droves of Germans in London one had only to go to the +museums." But if the Government is closing them merely for purposes of +disinfection it might let us know. + +* * * + +Irritated by the pro-German conversation of one of the guests at an +American dinner-party the English butler poured the gravy over him. The +story is believed to have greatly annoyed the starving millionaires in +Berlin. They complain that their exiled fellow-countrymen get all the +luck. + +* * * + +Is the Office of Works feeding Germany? We have lately learned that no +bulbs are to be planted in the London parks this season; and almost +simultaneously we read in the _Frankfurter Zeitung_ a suggestion that, +as bulbs are so cheap owing to the falling-off in the English demand, +they should be used as food by the German housewife. What has Mr. +Harcourt to say about this? + +* * * + +Mr. Ted Heaton, a noted Liverpool swimmer, is acting as +sergeant-instructor to the Royal Fusiliers at Dover, and is expected to +have them in a short time quite ready for the trenches. + +* * * + +A London magistrate has ruled that poker is a game of chance. He was +evidently unacquainted with the leading case in America, where, on the +same point arising, the judge, the counsel and the parties adjourned for +a quiet game, and the defendant triumphantly demonstrated that it was a +game of skill. + +* * * + +In an article describing the wonders of modern French surgery Mrs. W. K. +Vanderbilt mentioned that she had watched an operation in which a part +of a man's rib was taken out and used as a jawbone. "Pooh!" said the +much-married general practitioner who read it, "that's as old as Adam." + +* * * + +A man who applied recently to be enlisted in the Royal Flying Corps as a +carpenter was medically rejected because he had a hammer toe. If he had +lost a nail we could have understood it. + +* * * + +The following letter has been received by the matron of an Indian +hospital:-- + + "Dear and fair Madam,-I have much pleasure to inform you that my + dearly unfortunate wife will be no longer under your care, she + having left this world for the next on the 27th ult. For your help + in this matter I shall ever remain grateful. Yours reverently, + ----." + +* * * + +A correspondent, anxious about etiquette, writes:--"Sir,--The other day +I offered my seat to the lady-conductor of a tramcar. Did I +right?--Yours truly, Noblesse Oblige." + +* * * + +It is stated that one of the principal items of discussion during the +new Session of the Prussian Diet will be a Supplementary War Bill. Some +of the members are expected to protest, on the ground that the present +War is quite sufficient, thank you. + + * * * * * + +INTELLECTUAL RETRENCHMENT. + +[The annual expenses that will be saved by the closing of the London +Museums and Galleries amount to about one-fifth of the public money +spent on the salaries of Members of Parliament.] + + Fetch out your padlocks, bolt and bar the portals, + That none may worship at the Muses' shrine; + Seal up the gifts bequeathed by our Immortals + To be the birthright of their ancient line; + At luxury if you would strike a blow, + Let Art and Science be the first to go. + + Close down the fanes that guard the golden treasure + Wrung by our hands from Nature's hidden wealth; + Treat them as idle haunts of wanton pleasure, + Extremely noxious to the nation's health; + Show that our statesmanship at least has won + A vandal victory o'er the vandal Hun. + + And when her children whom the seas have sent her + Come to the Motherland to fight her war, + And claim their common heritage, to enter + The gate of dreams to that enchanted store, + To other palaces we'll ask them in, + To purer joys of "movies" and of gin. + + But let us still keep open one collection + Of curiosities and quaint antiques, + Under immediate Cabinet direction-- + The finest specimens of talking freaks, + Who constitute our most superb Museum, + Judged by the salaries with which we fee 'em. + O. S. + + * * * * * + +DIPLOMACY. + +"Tell us," said Phyllis laboriously, "about diploma----" and there it +stuck. + +"Tistics," added Lillah in a superior manner. + +Being an uncle, I can never give my brain a rest. It is the easiest +thing in the world to be found out by a child of seven. + +"You mean," I said, "diplomatists?" + +"Yes," said Phyllis in a monotone. "Daddy said they-weren't-any +earthly-blast-them and----" + +"Yes, yes!" I said hastily. I can imagine what George said about +diplomatists. He held a good deal of Balkan stock. + +"Well, are they?" asked Lillah innocently. + +"Diplomatists," I said, "are people in spats and creased trousers, and +the truth is not in them." + +"What is spats?" asked Phyllis. + +"Spats," I answered, "are what people wear when they want to get a job +and their boots are shabby." + +"Are diplomatists shabby?" queried Lillah. + +"Not a bit," I answered rather bitterly. + +"Do they want jobs?" + +"They want to keep them," I said. + +"So they have spats," said Phyllis, completely satisfied. + +"Exactly," I said. "Then they go into an extremely grand room together +and talk." + +"What about?" said Lillah. + +"Oh, anything that turns up," I answered--"the rise in prices or the +late thaw; or if everything fails they simply make personal remarks." + +"Like clergymen," said Phyllis vaguely. + +"Exactly," I said. "And all round the building are secret police +disguised as reporters, and reporters disguised as secret police. And +then each of the diplomatists goes away and writes a white paper, or a +black paper, or a greeny-yellow paper, to show that he was right." + +"And then?" Phyllis gaped with astonishment. + +"Then everybody organises, and centralises, and fraternises, and +defraternises, and, in the end, mobilises." + +Phyllis and Lillah simply stared. + +"Why?" they both gasped. + +"Oh, just to show the diplomatists were wrong," I said airily. + +"And then?" said Lillah breathlessly. + +"The ratepayers pay more." + +"What is a ratepayer?" asked Phyllis. + +"A notorious geek and gull," I said, borrowing from a more distinguished +writer. + +Lillah stared at me with misgiving. + +"But why don't the diplomists say what's true?" she asked. + +"Because," I said, "they'd lose their money and nobody would love them." + +"But," said Phyllis, "Mummie said if we were good everyone would love +us." + +"Your mother was quite right," I answered, with a distinct twinge of +that thin-ice feeling. + +"Well, but you said nobody would love diplomists if they were good," +said Phyllis. + +"So good people aren't loved," added Lillah, "and Mummie said what +wasn't true." + +I fought desperately for a reply. This could not be allowed to pass. It +struck at the roots of nursery constitutionalism. + +"Ah," I said, without any pretence at logic, "but the poor diplomatists +don't know any better." + +"Like the heathen that Mummie tells us about on Sunday?" + +"Between the heathen and a diplomatist," I said, "there is nothing to +choose." + +Phyllis sighed. "I wish I didn't know any better," she said yearningly. +Lillah looked at me dangerously from the corner of her eye. + +"And got money for it," she added. + +"Would you like to play zoo?" I said hastily. + +They were silent. + +"I'll be a bear," I said eagerly--"a polar one." + +No answer. I felt discouraged, but I made another effort. "Or," I said, +"I can be a monkey and you can throw nuts at me, or" --desperately-- "a +ring-tailed lemur, or an orangoutang, or an ant-eater...." My voice +tailed away and there was silence. Then the small voice of Phyllis broke +in. + +"Uncle," she said, "why aren't you a diplomist?" + +At that point Nurse came in and I slid quietly off. As I was going out +of the door I heard the voice of Lillah. + +"Nannie," she said, "tell us about diplomists." + +"You leave diplomatists alone, Miss Lillah," said Nurse; "they won't do +you no harm if you don't talk about them." + +Now why couldn't I have thought of that? It's just training, I suppose. + + * * * * * + +An Impending Apology. + + "Lieut.-Col. ---- is out of the city in the interests of + recruiting." + + _Winnipeg Evening Tribune._ + + * * * * * + + "Nevertheless a strong Bulgarophone and Turkophone feeling prevails + in Greece, especially in military circles." + + _Balkan News_ (_Salonika_). + +"Master's Voice," we presume. + + * * * * * + + "'Theodore Wolff says:--'Other peace orators have followed Lord + Loreburn and Lord Courtney in the House of Lords. One must not + awaken the belief that such prophets can accomplish miracles of + conversation in a day.'"--_Winnipeg Evening Tribune._ + +We think Herr Wolff underestimates Lord Courtney's powers in this +direction. + +[Illustration: ECONOMY IN LUXURIES. + +First Philistine. "I'm All With the Government Over This Closing Of +Museums. I Never Touch 'em Myself." + +Second Philistine. "Same Here. Waiter, Get Me a Couple of Stalls for The +Frivolity."] + +[Illustration: AT OUR PATRIOTIC BAZAAR. + +_Devoted Stall-holder._ "I hardly like to ask you, Mr. Thrush, but the +Committee would be so grateful if you would write one of your sweet +verses on each of these eggs for wounded soldiers!"] + + * * * * * + +JILLINGS. + +I have always been very fond and proud of my niece Celia. With an +exceptionally attractive appearance and a personal fascination that is +irresistible she combines the sweetest and most unselfish nature it has +ever been my good fortune to meet. Indeed, she has so excessive a +consideration for the feelings of everybody but herself that she drifts +into difficulties which she might have avoided by a little more +firmness. As, for example, in the case of Jillings. Celia and Jack have +been married six years; he is about twelve years older than she, and a +capital good fellow, though he is said to have rather a violent temper. +But he has never shown it with Celia--nobody could, had left the Army on +his marriage and settled down in a pretty little place in Surrey, but of +course rejoined the Service as soon as the War broke out. So long as he +was in training with his regiment she took rooms in the neighbourhood, +but when he was ordered to the Front about a year ago she and the +children returned to the Surrey home, and it was then that Celia engaged +Jillings as parlourmaid. I saw her shortly afterwards when I went down +to stay for a night, and was struck by the exuberant enthusiasm with +which she waited--not over efficiently--at table. Celia remarked +afterwards that Jillings was a little inexperienced as yet, but so +willing and warm-hearted, and with such a sensitively affectionate +disposition that the least hint of reproof sufficed to send her into a +flood of tears. + +I had no idea then--nor had Celia--how much inconvenience and +embarrassment can be produced by a warm-hearted parlour-maid. Jillings' +devotion did not express itself in a concrete form until Celia's +birthday, and the form it took was that of an obese and unimaginably +hideous pincushion which mysteriously appeared on her dressing-table. +Old and attached servants are in the habit of presenting their employers +on certain occasions with some appropriate gift, and no one would be +churlish enough to discourage so kindly a practice. But Jillings, it +must be owned, was beginning it a bit early. However, Celia thanked her +as charmingly as though she had been longing all her life for exactly +such a treasure. Still, it was not only unnecessary but distinctly +unwise to add that it should be placed in her wardrobe for safety, as +being much too gorgeous for everyday use. Because all she gained by this +consummate tact was another pincushion, not quite so ornate perhaps, but +even cruder in colour, and this she was compelled to assign a prominent +position among her toilet accessories. + +These successes naturally encouraged Jillings to further efforts. Celia +had the misfortune one day to break a piece of valuable old porcelain +which had stood on her drawing-room mantelpiece, whereupon the faithful +Jillings promptly replaced the loss by a china ornament purchased by +herself. Considered merely as an article of _vertu_ it was about on a +par with the pincushions, but Celia accepted it in the spirit with which +it had been offered. And, warned by experience, she did not lock it up +in the obscurity of a cabinet, nor contrive that some convenient +accident should befall it, wisely preferring "to bear those ills she had +than fly to others," etc. And so it still remains a permanent eyesore on +her mantelshelf. + +Then it seemed that Jillings, who, by the way, was not uncomely, had +established friendly relations with one of the gardeners at the big +house of the neighbourhood--with the result that Celia found her +sitting-rooms replenished at frequent intervals with the most +magnificent specimens of magnolia, tuberose, stephanotis and gardenia. +Unfortunately she happens to be one of those persons whom any strongly +scented flowers afflict with violent headache. But she never mentioned +this for fear of wounding Jillings' susceptibilities. Luckily, Jillings +and the under-gardener fell out in a fortnight. + +As was only to be expected, the other servants, being equally devoted to +their mistress, could not allow Jillings to monopolize the pride and +glory of putting her under an obligation. Very soon a sort of +competition sprang up, each of them endeavouring to out-do the other in +giving Celia what they termed, aptly enough, "little surprises," till +they hit upon the happy solution of clubbing together for the purpose. +Thus Celia, having, out of the kindness of her heart, ordered an +expensive lace hood for the baby from a relation of the nurse's at +Honiton, was dismayed to discover, when the hood arrived, that it was +already paid for and was a joint gift from the domestics. After that she +felt, being Celia, that it would be too ungracious to insist on +refunding the money. + +It was not until I was staying with her last Spring that I heard of all +these excesses. But at breakfast on Easter Sunday not only did Celia, +Tony and the baby each receive an enormous satin egg filled with +chocolates, but I was myself the recipient of one of these seasonable +tokens, being informed by the beaming Jillings that "we didn't want +_you_, Sir, to feel you'd been forgotten." By lunch-time it became clear +that she had succeeded in animating at least one of the local tradesmen +with this spirit of reckless liberality. For when Celia made a mild +inquiry concerning a sweetbread which she had no recollection of having +ordered Jillings explained, with what I fear I must describe as a +self-conscious smirk, that it was "a little Easter orfering from the +butcher, Madam." I am bound to say that even Celia was less scrupulous +about hurting the butcher's feelings--no doubt from an impression that +his occupation must have cured him of any over-sensitiveness. + +As soon as we were alone she told me all she had been enduring, which it +seemed she had been careful not to mention in her letters to Jack. "I +simply can't tell you, Uncle," she concluded pathetically, "how wearing +it is to be constantly thanking somebody for something I'd ever so much +rather be without. And yet--what else can I do?" + +I suggested that she might strictly forbid all future indulgence in +these orgies of generosity, and she supposed meekly that she should +really have to do something of that sort, though we both knew how +extremely improbable it was that she ever would. + +This morning I had a letter from her. Jack had got leave at last and she +was expecting him home that very afternoon, so I must come down and see +him before his six days expired. "I wish now," she went on, "that I had +taken your advice, but it was so difficult somehow. Because ever since I +told Jillings and the others about Jack's coming home they have been +going about smiling so importantly that I'm horribly afraid they're +planning some dreadful surprise, and I daren't ask them what. Now I must +break off, as I must get ready to go to the station with Tony and meet +dear Jack...." + +Then followed a frantic postscript. "I know _now_! They've dressed poor +Tony up in a little khaki uniform that doesn't even fit him! And, what's +worse, they've put up a perfectly terrible triumphal arch over the front +gate, with 'Hail to our Hero' on it in immense letters. They all seem so +pleased with themselves--and anyway there's no time to alter anything +now. But I don't know what Jack will say." + +I don't either, but I could give a pretty good guess. I shall see him +and Celia to-morrow. But I shall be rather surprised if I see Jillings. + + F. A. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Old Lady_ (_quite carried away_). "How nice it is to +have the ticket proffered, as it were, instead of thrust upon one!"] + + * * * * * + +THE WELL-DISPOSED ONES. + +(_With acknowledgments to the back page of "The Referee."_) + +Bertram Brazenthwaite, Basso-Profondo (varicose veins and flat feet), +respectfully informs his extensive _clientele_ that he has a few vacant +dates at the end of 1917. Comings-of-Age, Jumble Sales and Fabian +Society Soirees a specialite. + + Sir Sawyer Hackett, M. D., writes: "The physical defects which + prevent Mr. Brazenthwaite from joining the colours have left his + vocal gifts and general gaiety unimpaired." + + * * * * * + +Do you want your Christening to be a _succes fou_? Then send for Hubert +the Homunculus, London's Premier Baby-Entertainer (astigmatism, and +conscientious objections). + + "Hubert the Homunculus would make a kitten laugh."--Hilary Joye, in + _The Encore_. + +High-art pamphlet from "The Lebanons," New North Road, N. + + * * * * * + +Jolly Jenkin, Patriotic Prestidigitator (Group 98). Nominal terms to the +Army, Navy and Civic Guard. Address till end of week, The Parthenon, +Puddlecombe. Next, Reigate Rotunda. + + _The Epoch_ says: "Jolly Jenkin has the Evil Eye. In the Middle + Ages he would have been burnt.". + + * * * * * + + "Men who are physically fit can be released from clerical duties + and replaced by hen only fit for sedentary occupations."--_Daily + Paper._ + +Broody, in fact. + + * * * * * + +HOW I DINED WITH THE PRESIDENT. + +The Truth about Wilson. +[SPECIAL TO _PUNCH_.] + +On Saturday, January 22nd, I arrived in Washington from Seattle. The +Seattle part is another story. + +What I have to tell to-day, here, now, and once for all, is what I saw +of the President at close quarters outside and inside the White House +and what happened at the historic dinner-party, at which I was the only +representative of a belligerent country present. + +By a fortunate coincidence Mr. Wilson arrived at the railway depot on +his return from a game of golf with his secretary, Mr. Tumulty, as I was +loitering at the bookstall. I had never seen either of them before, but +intuitively recognised them in a flash. Mr. Tumulty looked exactly as a +man with so momentous a name could only look. The President was garbed +in a neutral-tinted lounge-suit and wore a dark fawn overcoat and +dove-coloured spats. + +How did the President look? Well, his face was obviously the face of a +changed man. Not that he is changed for the worse. He seemed in the pink +of condition, and his clean-cut profile and firm jaw radiated inflexible +determination at every pore. No signs of a moustache are yet visible on +his finely-chiselled upper lip. + +I had no introduction, and no time was to be lost, so without a moment's +hesitation I strode up to the President and said, "Permit me, Sir, as +the accredited representative of a neutral nation, to offer you this +token of respect," and handed him a small Dutch cheese, a dainty to +which I had been informed he was especially partial. The President +smiled graciously, handed the offering to his secretary, and said, "I +thank you, Sir. Won't you join us at the White House at dinner +to-night?" I expressed my acceptance in suitable terms, bowed and passed +on. + +The dinner took place in the famous octagonal dining-room of the White +House, which was profusely decorated with the flags of the Scandinavian +Kingdoms, Spain, Greece, China, Chile, Peru, Brazil and the Argentine. + +The band of the Washington Post Office Rifles was ensconced behind a +trellis of olive branches and discoursed a choice selection of soothing +music. Flagons of grape-juice and various light and phosphorescent +beverages stood on the sideboard. It was a memorable scene and every +detail was indelibly impressed on my mind. The President greeted his +guests with the calm dignity proper to his high office. He does not +affect the high handshake of English smart society, but a firm yet +gentle clasp. In repose his features reminded me of Julius Caesar, but +when he smiles he recalls the more genial lineaments of the great +Pompey. The general impression created on my mind was one of refined +simplicity. As the President himself remarked, quoting Thucydides to one +of his Greek guests, [Greek: philukalonmen meht ehuteleias]. + +It is quite untrue that the conversation was confined to the English +tongue. On the contrary all the neutral languages, except Chinese, were +spoken, the President showing an equal facility in every one, and +honourably making a point of never uttering two consecutive sentences in +the same tongue. War topics were rigorously eschewed, and so far as I +could follow the conversation--I only speak five of the neutral +languages--the subjects ranged from golf to hygienic clothing, from +co-education to coon-can. + +I do not propose here and now to state the circumstances in which, on +leaving the White House, I was kidnapped by some emissaries of Count +Bernstorff, and ultimately consigned to the Tombs in New York on a false +charge of manslaughter; how I narrowly escaped being electrocuted, and +was subsequently deported to Bermuda as an undesirable alien. What I saw +and endured in the Tombs is another story. What really matters is the +Bill of Fare of the President's dinner, which was printed in Esperanto +and ran as follows:-- + + Turtle Dove Soup. + Norwegian Salmon Cutlets. + Iceland Reindeer Steak. + Tipperusalein Artichokes and Spanish Onions. + Chaudfroid a la Woodrow. + Irene Pudding. + Dutch Cheese Straws. + Brazil Nuts. + +After dinner Greek cigarettes were handed round with small cups of China +tea and, as an alternative, Peruvian _mate._ + + * * * * * + +THE INVASION. + +I thought--being very old indeed, "older," as a poem by Mr. Sturge Moore +begins, "than most sheep"--I thought, being so exceedingly mature and +disillusioned, that I knew all the worries of life. Yet I did not; there +was still one that was waiting for me round the corner, but I know that +too, now. + +I will tell you about it. + +To begin with, let me describe myself. I am an ordinary quiet-living +obscure person, neither exalted nor lowly, who, having tired of town, +took a little place in the country and there settled down to a life of +placidity, varied by such inroads upon ease as all back-to-the-landers +know: now a raid on the chickens by a fox, whose humour it is not to +devour but merely to decapitate; now the disappearance of the gardener +at Lord Derby's coat-tails; now a flood; and now and continually a +desire on the part of the cook to give a month's notice, if you please, +and the consequent resumption of correspondence with the registry +office. There you have the main lines of the existence not only of +myself, but of thousands of other English rural recluses. But for such +little difficulties I have been happy--a Cincinnatus ungrumbling. + +The new fly entered the ointment about three weeks ago, when a parcel +was brought to me by a footman from the Priory, some three miles away, +with a message to the effect that it had been delivered there and opened +in error. They were of course very sorry. + +I asked how the mistake had occurred. + +"Same name," he said. "The house has just been let furnished to some +people of the same name as yourself." + +Now I have always rather prided myself on the rarity of my name. I don't +go so far as to claim that it came over with the Conqueror, but it is an +old name and an uncommon one, and hitherto I had been the only owner of +it in the district. To have it duplicated was annoying. + +Worse however was to come. + +I do not expect to be believed, but it is a solemn fact that within a +fortnight two more bearers of my name moved into the village. One was a +cowman, and the other a maiden lady, so that at the present moment there +are four of us all opening or rejecting each other's letters. The thing +is absurd. One might as well be named Smith right away. + +I don't mind the cowman, but the maiden lady is a large order. I have, +as I say, lived in this place for some time--at least six years--and she +moved into The Laurels only ten days ago, but when she came round this +morning with an opened telegram that was not meant for her, she had the +maiden--ladylikehood to remark how awkward it was when other people had +the same name as herself. "There should," she said, "never be more than +one holder of a name in a small place." + +I had no retort beyond the obvious one that I got there first; but I +hope that the cowman henceforth gets all her correspondence and delays +it. He is welcome to mine so long as he deals faithfully with hers. + + * * * * * + + "Balakn Centre has shifted." _Toronto Mail_. + +So we observe. + + +MR. PUNCH'S POTTED FILMS. THE WILD WEST DRAMA. + +THE ROSEBUD OF GINGER'S GULCH. + +[Illustration: The Green-Eyed Monster.] + +[Illustration: On the Trail.] + +[Illustration: "He has left his pocket-handkerchief, and he has a cold +in the head. I must take it to him."] + +[Illustration: "You have five seconds more to live."] + +[Illustration: In the nick of time.] + +[Illustration: "Darling!"] + +[Illustration: THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING YOUNG. + +Office-Boy engaging a suitable Employer.] + + * * * * * + +NEWS FROM KIEL. + +(_By our Naval Expert._) + +An interesting little item of news in the daily papers of last Wednesday +may have escaped notice. It appears that the German Liners which have +been laid up in New York harbour for the last eighteen months have +discovered that their magnetic deviation has been affected. This is the +explanation of the recent movement in the harbour, when all the German +ships were turned round so as to readjust their compasses. + +The special significance of this information is to be found by taking it +in conjunction with the recent puzzling reports of movements of the +German High Seas Fleet. It will be remembered that the Fleet was +represented in an enemy official report (with the customary +exaggeration) as sweeping out into the North Sea. That was not readily +believed, but it was generally felt that there must be something in it, +especially as all manner of rumours of naval activity kept coming +through from Scandinavia about the same time. + +Our naval experts in this country were quite at a loss, but to-day the +riddle is solved. What was happening was that the High Seas Fleet was +_turning round_. + +I have had the good fortune to fall in with a neutral traveller--of the +usual high standing and impartial sympathies--who has supplied a few +details. It seems that great excitement prevailed at this scene of +unwonted bustle and activity. The operation was carried out under +favourable weather conditions practically without a hitch, the +casualties being quite negligible, and the _moral_ of the men, in spite +of their long period of enforced coma, being absolutely unshaken. One +and all have now cheerfully accepted the disconcerting changes involved +in the new orientation, and window-boxes have been generally shifted to +the sunny side. + + * * * * * + + "On Monday, near Durgerdam, in Holland, a fresh dyke burst occurred + on a length of 50 metres. Over 200 handbags were at once thrown + into the opening without any visible result."--_Provincial Paper._ + +Still, the sacrifice was well meant. + + * * * * * + +THE GOLDEN VALLEY. + +(Herefordshire.) + + Abbeydore, Abbeydore, + Land of apples and of gold, + Where the lavish field-gods pour + Song and cider manifold; + Gilded land of wheat and rye, + Land where laden branches cry, + "Apples for the young and old + Ripe at Abbeydore!" + + Abbeydore, Abbeydore, + Where the shallow river spins + Elfin spells for evermore, + Where the mellow kilderkins + Hoard the winking apple-juice + For the laughing reapers' use; + All the joy of life begins + There at Abbeydore. + + Abbeydore, Abbeydore, + In whose lap of wonder teems + Largess from a wizard store, + World of idle, crooning streams-- + From a stricken land of pain + May I win to you again, + Garden of the God of Dreams, + Golden Abbeydore. + +[Illustration: A GERMAN HOLIDAY. + +Child. "PLEASE, SIR, WHAT IS THIS HOLIDAY FOR?" + +Official. "BECAUSE OUR ZEPPELINS HAVE CONQUERED ENGLAND." + +Child. "HAVE THEY BROUGHT US BACK ANY BREAD?" + +Official. "DON'T ASK SILLY QUESTIONS. WAVE YOUR FLAG."] + + * * * * * + +AT THE FRONT. + +There is one matter I have hitherto not touched on, because it has not +hitherto touched on me, and that is Courses. + +The ideal course works like this. You are sitting up to the ears in mud +under a brisk howitzer, trench mortar and rifle grenade fire, when a +respectful signaller crawls round a traverse, remarking, "Message, Sir." + +You take the chit from him languidly, wondering whether you have earned +a court-martial by omitting to report on the trench sleeping-suits which +someone in the Rearward Services has omitted to forward, and you read, +still languidly at first; then you get up and whoop, throw your primus +stove into the air and proceed to dance on the parapet, if your trench +has one. Then you settle down and read your message again to see if it +still runs, "You are detailed to attend three months' Staff work course +at Boulogne, commencing to-morrow. A car will be at the dump for you +to-night. A month's leave on completion, of course." + +But all courses are not like this; all you can say is that some are less +unlike it than others. I was sitting in a warm billet about twelve noon +having breakfast on the first day out of trenches when the blow fell on +me. I was to report about two days ago at a School of Instruction some +two hundred yards away. I gathered that the course had started without +me. I set some leisurely inquiries in train, in the hope that it might +be over before I joined up. I also asked the Adjutant whether I couldn't +have it put off till next time in trenches, or have it debited to me as +half a machine-gun course payable on demand, or exchange it for a +guinea-pig or a canary, or do anything consistent with the honour of an +officer to stave it off. For to tell the truth, like all people who know +nothing and have known it for a long time, I cherish a deeply-rooted +objection to being instructed. + +Unfortunately the Adjutant is one of those weak fellows who always tell +you that they are mere machines in the grip of the powers that change +great nations. So on the third day I bought a nice new slate and satchel +and joined up. + +Even now, after some days of intense instruction, I find my condition is +a little confused and foggy. Of course it covers practically the whole +field of military interests, and I ought to be able to win the War in +about three-quarters of an hour, given a reasonable modicum of men, +guns, indents, physical training and bayonet exercise, knowledge of +military law, and acquaintance with the approved methods of conducting a +casualty clearing station, a mechanical transport column, and a field +kitchen. The confusion of mind evident in this last sentence is a high +testimonial to the comprehensive nature of our course. + +Physical training made the strongest appeal to me. I remember some of +the best words, not perhaps as they are, but as I caught them from an +almost over-glib expert. Did you know you had a strabismal vertebra? or, +given a strabismal vertebra, that it could be developed to almost any +extent by simply 'eaving from the 'ips? Take my tip and try it next time +you're under shell-fire. + +To-morrow we break up, and I join the army. The army has gone away +somewhere while I wasn't looking, and I shall have to make inquiries +about it. You never can tell what these things will do when not kept +under the strictest observation. My bit _may_ have gone to Egypt or +Nyassaland or Nagri Sembilan. But I have a depressing feeling that A 27 +_x y z_ iv. 9.8 will be nearer the mark, and that I shall find it +meandering nightly to Bk 171 in large droves, there to insert more and +more humps of soggy Belgium into more and more sandbags. I don't want to +make myself unpleasant to the War Office, but I really can't see why we +haven't once and for all built trenches all done up in eight-inch thick +steel plates. They could easily be brought up ready-made, and simply +sunk into position. + +They would sink all right; you'd just have to put them down anywhere and +look the other way for a minute. The difficulty would be to stop the +lift before it got to the basement--if there is a basement in Flanders. + +There is a tragedy to report. We were adopted recently by a magpie. He +was a gentle creature of impulsive habits and strong woodpecking +instincts. Arsene we called him. For some days he gladdened us with his +soft bright eye. But when we came to know him well and I relied on him +to break the shells of my eggs every morning at breakfast, to steal my +pens and spill my ink, to wake me by a gentle nip on the nose from his +firm but courteous beak, a rough grenadier came one day to explain a new +type of infernal machine, and, when we went out, left a detonator on the +table. + +I never saw what actually followed, but we buried Arsene with full +military honours. + + * * * * * + + "Ladies' Self-trimmed Velvet Hate for One + Shilling."--_North-Country Paper._ + +The latest fashion in Berlin. + + * * * * * + +MORE LIGHT FROM OUR LEADERS. + +By way of a supplement to the Candle-shade epigrams recently contributed +by various distinguished men and women of light and leading, we have +been fortunate to secure the following sentiments for St. Valentine's +Day from several luminaries who were conspicuously absent from the list. + +Mr. Harry Lauder, the illustrious comedian, poetizes as follows:-- + + "Let those wha wull compile the nation's annals, And guide oor + thochts in strict historic channels; Ma Muse prefers, far fra these + dull morasses, To laud the purrrple heather and the lassies." + +Mr. Stevenson, the incomparable cueist, sends this pithy distich:-- + + "Big guns are useful in their way, 'tis true, But nursery cannons + have their uses too." + +Miss Carrie Tubb, the famous soprano, writes:-- + + "Butt me no butts. Though carping critics flout us, What would + Diogenes have done without us?" + +A distinguished actor gives as his favourite quotation the couplet from +Goldsmith:-- + + "A man he was financially unique, And passing poor on forty pounds + a week." + +Mr. Bernard Shaw contributes this characteristic definition of genius:-- + + "Genius consists in an infinite capacity for giving pain." + +The Air Candidate for Mile End sends the following witty and topical +epigram:-- + + "Mid war's alarms there is no time for cooing, But Billing may + prevent our land's undoing." + + * * * * * + + "We are all familiar with the poetic words: 'There's many a gem + that's born to blush unseen, and waste its fragrance on the desert + air.'"--_Kilmarnock Herald._ + +Our own ignorance of this gem makes us blush (unseen, we hope). + + * * * * * + + "How To Keep Warm.--In Great Britain I think a shirt, vest and coat + enough covering for the ordinary man. I wear no more." + + _Reynolds Newspaper._ + +No one who follows this advice need fear a chill. The police are sure to +make it warm for him. + + * * * * * + + "When Sir Stanley (now Lord) Buckmaster succeeded Mr. (now Sir) F. + E. Smith in the chief responsibility for the Bureau he made a point + of betting on friendly terms with the representatives of the Fourth + Estate." + + _Bristol Times and Mirror._ + +Several of them, it is well known, have been charged with book-making. + + * * * * * + + "Lady (Young) seeks Sit. in shop; butcher's preferred; would like + to learn scales." + + _Morning Paper._ + +Why not try a piano-monger's? + +[Illustration: _She._ "And are you only just back from the trenches? How +interesting! You will be able to tell us the real truth about the +Kaiser's illness."] + + * * * * * + +A DUEL OF ENDURANCE. + +Our butcher's name is Bones. Yes, I know it sounds too good to be true. +But I can't help it. Once more, his name is Bones. + +There is something wrong with Bones. Mark him as he stands there among +all those bodies of sheep and oxen, feeling with his thumb the edge of +that long sharp knife and gazing wistfully across the way to where the +greengrocer's baby lies asleep in its perambulator on the pavement. +Observe him start with a sigh from his reverie as you enter his shop. +What is the matter with him? Why should a butcher sigh? + +I will tell you. He has been thinking about the Kaiser, the Kaiser who +is breaking his heart through the medium of the greengrocer's baby. + +As all the world knows, between the ages of one and two the best British +babies are built up on beef tea and mutton broth; at two or thereabouts +they start on small chops. No one can say when the custom arose. Like so +many of those unwritten laws on which the greatness of England is really +based it has outgrown the memory of its origin. But its force is as +universally binding to-day as it was in Plantagenet times. Thus, though +numerous households since the War began have temporarily adopted a +vegetarian diet, in the majority of cases a line has been drawn at the +baby. That is why butchers at present look on babies as their +sheet-anchors. It is through them that they keep the toe of their boot +inside the family door. The little things they send for them serve as a +memento of the old Sunday sirloin, a reminder that while nuts may +nourish niggers the Briton's true prerogative is beef. + +The greengrocer has given up meat. But he has done more than this. He +has done what not even a greengrocer should do. He has broken the +tradition of the ages. He is feeding his baby on bananas. + +At first the greengrocer's baby did not like bananas and its cries were +awful. But after a while it got used to them, and now even when it goes +to bed it clutches one in its tiny hand. It is not so rosy as it was, +but the greengrocer says red-faced babies are apoplectic and that the +reason it twitches so much in its sleep is because it is so full of +vitality. He is advising all his customers to feed their babies on +bananas. Bones does not care much what happens to the greengrocer's +baby, but he says if it lasts much longer he will have to put his +shutters up. He is growing very despondent, and I noticed the other day +that he had given up chewing suet--a bad sign in a butcher. + +It is a duel of endurance between Bones and the greengrocer's baby. I +wonder which will win. + + * * * * * + + "Mr. Buxton was severely heckled at the outset from all parts of + the room. Each time he endeavoured to speak he was hailed with a + torrent of howls, hoots and kisses." + + _Provincial Paper_. + +A notoriously effective way of stopping the mouth. + + * * * * * + +From the Lady's column in _The Cur_:-- + + "Now about this word 'damn.' Of course you all think it is a good + old Saxon word! Well, prepare for a surprise. It is derived from + the Latin damnere." + +Well, we are--surprised. + + * * * * * + +Motto for the next Turkish Revolution: _Enver Renverse_. + +[Illustration: _Householder._ "But, hang it all, I can't see why that +bomb next door should make you want to _raise_ my rent!" + +_Landlord._ "Don't you perceive, my dear Sir, that your house is now +semi-detached?"] + + * * * * * + +TONNAGE. + +"Oh, dear," said Francesca, "everything keeps going up." She was engaged +upon the weekly books and spoke in a tone of heartfelt despair. + +"Well," I said, "you've known all along how it would be. Everybody's +told you so." + +"Everybody? Who's everybody in this case?" + +"I told you so for one, and Mr. Asquith mentioned it several times, and +so did Mr. McKenna." + +"I have never," she said proudly, "discussed my weekly books with +Messrs. Asquith and McKenna. I should scorn the action." + +"That's all very well," I said. "Keep them away as far as you can, but +they'll still get hold of you. The Chancellor of the Exchequer knows +your weekly books by heart." + +"I wish," she said, "he'd add them up for me. He's a good adder-up, I +suppose, or he wouldn't be what he is." + +"He's fair to middling, I fancy--something like me." + +"_You!_" she said, in a tone of ineffable contempt. "You're no good at +addition." + +"Francesca," I said, "you wrong me. I'm a great deal of good. Of course +I don't pretend to be able to run three fingers up three columns of +figures a yard long and to write down the result as L7,956 17_s._ 8_d_., +or whatever it may be, without a moment's pause. I can't do that, but +for the ordinary rough-and-tumble work of domestic addition I'm hard to +beat. Only if I'm to do these books of yours there must be perfect +silence in the room. I mustn't be talked to while I'm wrestling with the +nineteens and the seventeens in the shilling column." + +"In fact," said Francesca, "you ought to be a deaf adder." + +"Francesca," I said, "how could you? Give me the butcher's book and let +there be no more _jeux de mots_ between us." + +I took the book, which was a masterpiece of illegibility, and added it +up with my usual grace and felicity. + +"Francesca," I said as I finished my task, "my total differs from the +butcher's, but the difference is in his favour, not in mine. He seems to +have imparted variety to his calculations by considering that it took +twenty pence to make a shilling, which is a generous error. Now let me +deal with the baker while you tackle the grocer, and then we'll wind up +by doing the washing-book together." + +The washing-book was a teaser, the items being apparently entered in +Chaldee, but we stumbled through it at last. + +"And now," I said, "we can take up the subject of thrift." + +"I don't want to talk about it," she said, "I'm thoroughly tired of it. +We've talked too much about it already." + +"You're wrong there; we haven't talked half enough. If we had, the books +wouldn't have gone up." + +"They haven't gone up," she said. "They're about the same, but we've +been having less." + +"Noble creature," I said, "do you mean to say that you've docked me of +one of my Sunday sausages and the whole of my Thursday roly-poly pudding +and never said a word about it?" + +"Well, you didn't seem to notice it, so I left it alone." + +"Ah, but I did notice it," I said, "but I determined to suffer in +silence in order to set an example to the children." + +"That was bravely done," she said. "It encourages me to cut down the +Saturday sirloin." + +"But what will the servants say? They won't like it." + +"They'll have to lump it then." + +"But I thought servants never lumped it. I thought they always insisted +on their elevenses and all their other food privileges." + +"Anyhow," she said, "I'm going to make a push for economy and the +servants must push with me. They won't starve, whatever happens." + +"No, and if they begin to object you can talk to them about tonnage." + +"That ought to bowl them over. But hadn't I better know what it means +before I mention it?" + +"Yes, that might be an advantage." + +"You see," she said, "Mrs. Mincer devotes to the reading of newspapers +all the time she can spare from the cooking of meals and she'd be sure +to trip me up if I ventured to say anything about tonnage." + +"Learn then," I said, "that tonnage means the amount of space reserved +for cargoes on ships--at least I suppose that's what it means, and----" + +"You don't seem very sure about it. Hadn't you better look it up?" + +"No," I said. "That's good enough for Mrs. Mincer. Now if there's an +insufficiency of tonnage----" + +"But why should there be an insufficiency of tonnage?" + +"Because," I said, "the Government have taken up so much tonnage for the +purposes of the War. How did you think the Army got supplied with food +and shells and guns and men? Did you think they flew over to France and +Egypt and Salonica?" + +"Don't be rude," she said. "I didn't introduce this question of tonnage. +You did. And even now I don't see what tonnage has got to do with our +sirloin of beef." + +"I will," I said kindly, "explain it to you all over again. We have +ample tonnage for necessaries, but not for luxuries." + +"But my sirloin of beef isn't a luxury." + +"For the purpose of my argument," I said, "it is a luxury and must be +treated as such." + +"Do you know," she said, "I don't think I'll bother about tonnage. I'll +tackle Mrs. Mincer in my own way." + +"You're throwing away a great opportunity," I said. + +"Never mind," she said. "If I feel I'm being beaten I'll call you in. +Your power of lucid explanation will pull me through." + + R. C. L. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Elder to Beadle._ "Well, John, how did you like the +strange minister?" + +_Beadle._ "No Ava, Elder--he's an awfu' frichtened kin' a chap yon. Did +ye notice how he aye talked aboot 'oor adversary, Satan'? Oor own +meenister just ca's him plain 'deevil'--he doesna care a dom for him."] + + * * * * * + +CANADIAN REMOUNTS. + + Bronco dams they ran by on the ranges of the prairies, + Heard the chicken drumming in the scented saskatoon, + Saw the jewel humming-birds, the flocks of pale canaries, + Heard the coyotes dirging to the ruddy Northern moon; + Woolly foals, leggy foals, foals that romped and wrestled, + Rolled in beds of golden-rod and charged to mimic fights, + Saw the frosty Bear wink out and comfortably nestled + Close beside their vixen dams beneath the wizard Lights. + + Far from home and overseas, older now--and wiser, + Branded with the arrow brand, broke to trace and bit, + Tugging up the grey guns "to strafe the blooming Kaiser," + Up the hill to Kemmel, where the Mauser bullets spit; + Stiffened with the cold rains, mired and tired and gory, + Plunging through the mud-holes as the batteries advance, + Far from home and overseas--but battling on to glory + With the English eighteen-pounders and the soixante-quinzes of France! + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"Mrs. Pretty and the Premier." + +I am not sure that I didn't find Mr. Bourchier's "Foreword" or Apologia +(kindly given away with the programme) rather more entertaining than the +play itself. As long as the dramatist (a New Zealander) concerned +himself with the delightfully unconventional atmosphere of Antipodean +politics he was illuminating and very possibly veracious. But the +relations between the _Premier_ and the widow _Pretty_, which promised, +as the title hinted, to be the main attraction, were such as never could +have occurred on land or sea. It was impossible, with this farcical +element always obtruding itself, to take the political features of the +play seriously, as I gather that we were intended to do; and we got very +little help from Mr. Bourchier's own performance, which was frankly +humorous. In his brochure he tells us with great solemnity that he is +"more than pleased to think that the play may help to demonstrate to +those of an older civilisation how truly the best of the so-called +Labour politicians strive to serve their country and their fellow +men.... Premier 'Bill' demonstrates vividly enough that, heart and soul, +the Australian politician devotes himself to the uplifting of the great +Commonwealth." Mr. Bourchier's tongue may or may not have been in his +cheek when he penned these lofty sentiments, but anyhow it seemed to be +there during most of the play. + +He is on safer ground when he tells us that "in curiously vivid and +pungent fashion this little play outlines the breezy freshness and the +originality of outlook which almost invariably characterise the +politicians and statesmen of the Prairie, the Veldt and the Bush, and +which more than anything else perhaps differentiates them from the men +of an older land, hampered as these latter often are by long and stately +traditions." Certainly, in the matter of addressing its Premier by a +familiar abbreviation of his Christian name (an authority who has +travelled in these parts assures Mr. Bourchier that he is "quite right:" +that "people would call this Premier 'Bill' in Australia") the new world +differs from the old. I cannot so much as contemplate the thought of Mr. +Asquith being addressed by the Minister Of Munitions as "Herb," or even +"Bert." + +[Illustration: FIRST LOVE; OR THE JEUNE PREMIER. + +_Bill the Premier_ Mr. Arthur Bourchier. + +_Mrs. Pretty_ Miss Kyrle Bellew.] + +But we have difficulties again with the Foreword (for I cannot get away +from it) when we come to the question of the hero's virility. In the +play his secretary says of him, "Bill's not a man, he's a Premier. A +kind of dynamo running the country at top speed." Yet the Foreword, +after citing this passage, goes on to insist upon his "tingling +humanity" and hinting at the need of such a type of manhood at the +present time. "After all," concludes Mr. Bourchier in a spasm of +uplift--"after all, what is the cry of the moment here in the heart of +the Empire, but for 'a Man-Give us a Man!'" But even if we reject the +secretary's estimate of his chief as a dynamo we still find a certain +deficiency of manhood in the anaemic indifference of the _Premier's_ +attitude to women; an attitude, by the way, not commonly associated with +Mr. Bourchier's impersonations on the stage. _Mrs. Pretty's_ tastes are, +of course, her own affair, and we were allowed little insight into her +heart (if any), but I can only conclude that her choice was governed by +political rather than emotional considerations ("Let us remember Women +Have the Vote In Australia" is the finale of the Foreword) and that what +she wanted was a Premier rather than a Man. + +Of the play itself one may at least say that it kept fairly off the +beaten track. There was novelty in its local colour, its unfamiliar +types and the episode, adroitly managed, of a pair of gloves employed to +muffle the division bell at the moment of a crisis on which the fate of +the Government depended. But the design was too small to fill the stage +of His Majesty's and it left me a little disappointed. I was content so +long as Mr. Bourchier was in sight, but the part of _Mrs. Pretty_ needed +something more than the rather conscious graces and airy drapery of Miss +Kyrle Bellew. The rest of the performance was sound but not very +exhilarating; and altogether, though I hope I am properly grateful for +any help towards the realisation of "Colonial conditions," I cannot +honestly say that _Mrs. Pretty_ and the _Premier_ has done very much for +me (as Mr. Bourchier hoped it would) by way of supplementing the thrill +of Anzac. O. S. + + * * * * * + + A NAVAL REVELATION. + + Edward Brown's official sheet, + Humble though his station, + Showed a record which the Fleet + Viewed with admiration. + + Fifteen stainless summers bore + Fruit in serried cluster; + Conduct stripes he proudly wore, + One for every lustre. + + Picture then the blank amaze + When this model rating + Suddenly developed traits + Most incriminating. + + Faults in baser spirits deemed + Merely peccadillos + In that crystal mirror seemed + Vast as Biscay billows. + + Cautioned not to over-run + Naval toleration, + He replied in language un- + Fit for publication. + + When the captain in alarm + Strove to solve the riddle, + Edward slipped a dreamy arm + Round that awful middle. + + Such a catastrophic change + Set his shipmates thinking; + Rumour whispered, "It is strange; + Clearly he is drinking." + + Ever more insistent got + This malicious fable, + Till he tied a true-love's knot + In the anchor cable. + + * * * * * + + "During December, 1661, meals for necessitous school children were + provided at Chorley at a cost of 4d. per meal per scholar." + +_Provincial Paper._ + +In gratitude for the Restoration, we suppose. Hence the watchword, "Good +old Chorley!" + + * * * * * + + "Summoned for permitting three houses to stray on Stoke Park on the + 19th inst ... defendant admitted the offence, but said that some + one must have let them out by taking the chain off the + gate."--_Provincial Paper_. + +It seems a reasonable explanation. + +[Illustration: _Officer_ (_to Tommy, who has been using the whip +freely_). "Don't beat him; talk to him, man--talk to him!" + +_Tommy_ (_to horse, by way of opening the conversation_). "I coom from +Manchester."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +The latest of our writers to contribute to the growing literature of the +War is Mr. Hugh Walpole. He has written a book about it called _The Dark +Forest_ (Secker), but whether it is a good or a bad book I who have read +it carefully from cover to cover confess my inability to decide. It is +certainly a clever book, and violently unusual. I doubt whether the War +is likely to produce anything else in the least resembling it. For one +thing, it deals with a phase of the struggle, the Russian retreat +through Galicia, about which we in England are still tragically +ignorant. Mr. Walpole writes of this as he himself has seen it in his +own experience as a worker with the Russian Red Cross. The horrors, the +compensations, the tragedy and happiness of such work have come straight +into the book from life. But not content with this, he has peopled his +mission with fictitious characters and made a story about them. And good +as the story is, full of fine imagination and character, the background +is so tremendously more real that I was constantly having to resist a +feeling of impatience with the false creations (in _Macbeth's_ sense) +who play out their unsubstantial drama before it. Yet I am far from +denying the beauty of Mr. Walpole's idea. The characters of _Trenchard_, +the self-doubting young Englishman, who finds reality in his love for +the nurse _Marie Ivanovna_, and of the Russian doctor, _Semyonov_, who +takes her from him, are exquisitely realized. And the atmosphere of +increasing mental strain, in which, after _Marie's_ death, the tragedy +of these three moves to its climax in the forest is the work of an +artist in emotion, such as by this time we know Mr. Walpole to be. The +trouble was that I had at the moment no wish for artistry. To sum up, I +am left with the impression that an uncommonly good short story rather +tiresomely distracted my attention from some magnificent war-pictures. + + * * * * * + +As Field-Marshal Sir Evelyn Wood, V. C., in _Our Fighting Services_ +(Cassell), begins with the Battle of Hastings and ends with the Boer War +there is no gainsaying the fact that his net has been widely spread. To +assist him in the compilation of this immense tome the author has a +fluent style and--to judge from the authorities consulted and the +results of these consultations--an inexhaustible industry. The one +should make his book acceptable to the amateur who reads history because +he happens to love it, and the other should make it invaluable to +professionals who handle books of reference, not lovingly, but of +necessity. And having said so much in praise of Sir Evelyn I am also +happy to add that he is, on the whole, that rare thing--an historian +without prejudices. Almost desperately, for instance, he tries to +express his admiration of Oliver Cromwell as a soldier, although he +quite obviously detests him as a man. I find myself, however, wondering +whether Sir Evelyn, were he writing of Cromwell at this hour, would say, +"For a man over forty years of age to work hard to acquire the rudiments +of drill is in itself remarkable." Even when allowance is made for the +differences between the seventeenth and twentieth centuries there would +seem to be nothing very worthy of remark in such energy if one may judge +from the attitude of our War Office to the Volunteers. Naturally one +turns eagerly to see what this distinguished soldier has to say about +campaigns in which he took a personal part, but, although shrewd +criticism is not lacking, Sir Evelyn's sword has been more destructive +than his pen. In these days of tremendous events this volume may +possibly be slow to come to its own, but in due course it is bound to +arrive. + + * * * * * + +I find, on referring to the "By the same Author" page of _The Lad With +Wings_ (Hutchinson), that other reviewers of "Berta Buck's" novels have +been struck by the "charm" of her work. I should like to be original, +but I cannot think of any better way of summing up the quality of her +writing. Charm above everything else is what _The Lad With Wings_ +possesses. It is a perfectly delightful book, moving at racing speed +from the first chapter to the last, and so skilfully written that even +the technically unhappy ending brings no gloom. When _Gwenna Williams_ +and _Paul Dampier_, the young airman she has married only a few hours +before the breaking out of war, go down to death together in mid-Channel +after the battle with the German Taube, the reader feels with _Leslie +Long, Gwenna's_ friend, "The best time to go out! No growing old and +growing dull.... No growing out of love with each other, ever! They at +least have had something that nothing can spoil." I suppose that when +Mrs. Oliver Onions is interviewed as to her literary methods it will +turn out that she re-writes everything a dozen times and considers +fifteen hundred words a good day's work; but she manages in _The Lad +With Wings_ to convey an impression of having written the whole story at +a sitting. The pace never flags for a moment, and the characters are +drawn with that apparently effortless skill which generally involves +anguish and the burning of the midnight oil. I think I enjoyed the art +of the writing almost as much as the story itself. If you want to see +how a sense of touch can make all the difference, you should study +carefully the character of _Leslie_, a genuine creation. But the book +would be worth reading if only for the pleasure of meeting _Hugo +Swayne_, the intellectual _dilettante_ who, when he tried to enlist, was +rejected as not sufficiently intelligent and then set to painting +omnibuses in the Futurist mode, to render them invisible at a distance. +A few weeks from now I shall take down _The Lad With Wings_ from its +shelf and read it all over again. It is that sort of book. + + * * * * * + +When old _Lady Polwhele_ asked the _Reverend Dr. Gwyn_ to let his +daughter _Delia_ go with her as companion to a very smart house party, I +doubt whether the excellent man would have given so ready an assent had +he known what was going to come of it. For my own part I suspected we +were in for yet another version of _Cinderella_, with _Delia_ snubbed by +the smart guests, and eventually united, as like as not, to young _Lord +Polwhele_. However, Miss Dorothea Townshend, who has written about all +these people in _A Lion, A Mouse and a Motor Car_ (Simpkin), had other +and higher views for her heroine. True, the house party was ultra-smart; +true also that there was one woman who spoke and behaved cattishly; but +it was a refreshing novelty to find that throughout the tale the ugly +sisters, so to speak, were hopelessly outnumbered by the fairy +godmothers. Later, the visit led to _Delia's_ going as governess to the +children of a Russian Princess, and finding herself in circles that +might be described as not only fast but furious. Here we were in a fine +atmosphere of intrigue, with spies, and Grand Dukes, and explosive golf +balls and I don't know what beside. It is all capital fun; and, though I +am afraid the political plots left me unconvinced, the thing is told +with such ease and _bonhomie_ that it is saved from banality; even when +the amazing cat of the house-party turns up as a female bandit and tries +to hold _Delia_ and her Princess to ransom. And of course the fact that +the period of the tale is that of the earliest motors gives it the +quaintest air of antiquity. Somehow, talk of sedan chairs would sound +more modern than these thrills of excitement about six cylinders and +"smelly petrol." In short, for many reasons Miss Townshend's book +provides a far brisker entertainment than its cumbrous title would +indicate. + + * * * * * + +Mr. Stephen Graham is fast becoming the arch-interpreter of Holy Russia. +In _The Way of Martha and the Way of Mary_ (Macmillan) he returns with +even more than his customary zeal to his good work, wishing herein +specifically to interpret Russian Christianity to the West. A passionate +earnestness informs his discursive eloquence. I cannot resist the +conviction that he has the type of mind that sees most easily what it +wishes to see. He moves cheerily along, incidentally raising +difficulties which he does not solve, ignoring conclusions which seem +obvious, throwing glorious generalisations and unharmonised +contradictions at the bewildered reader, too bent on his generous +purpose to glance aside for any explanations. Perhaps this is the best +method for an enthusiast to pursue. He certainly creates a vivid picture +of this strangely unknown allied people, with its incredible +otherworldliness, its broad tolerant charity, its freedom from chilly +conventions, its joyous neglect of the hustle and fussiness of Western +life, its deep faith, its childish or childlike superstitions, the +glorious promise of its future. An interesting--even a +fascinating--rather than a conclusive book. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "I haven't had any address for the last few months, so +the authorities have overlooked me. I'd like to join all right, but the +missus can't spare me. I'm a bit of a fisherman and I play the +concertina. Now, what sort of an armlet do I get?"] + + * * * * * + +A Super-Bridegroom. + + "In his seventy-third year the Earl of ---- has made his third + matrimonial venture this week."--_Yorkshire Evening Post._ + +* * * * * + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol +150, February 9, 1916, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH/CHARIVARI, FEB 9, 1916 *** + +***** This file should be named 29518.txt or 29518.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/2/9/5/1/29518/ + +Produced by Jason Isbell, Jonathan Ingram and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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