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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol 150,
+February 9, 1916, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol 150, February 9, 1916
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: July 27, 2009 [EBook #29518]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH/CHARIVARI, FEB 9, 1916 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jason Isbell, Jonathan Ingram and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOL. 150
+
+FEBRUARY 9, 1916
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: _Tommy._ "'Ere, Ted, what's the matter?" _Ted_
+(_ex-plumber_). "Wy, I'm goin' back for me baynet, o' course."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+The German claim that as the result of the Zeppelin raid "England's
+industry to a considerable extent is in ruins" is probably based on the
+fact that three breweries were bombed. To the Teuton mind such a
+catastrophe might well seem overwhelming.
+
+* * *
+
+A possible explanation of the Government's action in closing the Museums
+is furnished by the _Cologne Gazette_, which observes that "if one
+wanted to find droves of Germans in London one had only to go to the
+museums." But if the Government is closing them merely for purposes of
+disinfection it might let us know.
+
+* * *
+
+Irritated by the pro-German conversation of one of the guests at an
+American dinner-party the English butler poured the gravy over him. The
+story is believed to have greatly annoyed the starving millionaires in
+Berlin. They complain that their exiled fellow-countrymen get all the
+luck.
+
+* * *
+
+Is the Office of Works feeding Germany? We have lately learned that no
+bulbs are to be planted in the London parks this season; and almost
+simultaneously we read in the _Frankfurter Zeitung_ a suggestion that,
+as bulbs are so cheap owing to the falling-off in the English demand,
+they should be used as food by the German housewife. What has Mr.
+Harcourt to say about this?
+
+* * *
+
+Mr. Ted Heaton, a noted Liverpool swimmer, is acting as
+sergeant-instructor to the Royal Fusiliers at Dover, and is expected to
+have them in a short time quite ready for the trenches.
+
+* * *
+
+A London magistrate has ruled that poker is a game of chance. He was
+evidently unacquainted with the leading case in America, where, on the
+same point arising, the judge, the counsel and the parties adjourned for
+a quiet game, and the defendant triumphantly demonstrated that it was a
+game of skill.
+
+* * *
+
+In an article describing the wonders of modern French surgery Mrs. W. K.
+Vanderbilt mentioned that she had watched an operation in which a part
+of a man's rib was taken out and used as a jawbone. "Pooh!" said the
+much-married general practitioner who read it, "that's as old as Adam."
+
+* * *
+
+A man who applied recently to be enlisted in the Royal Flying Corps as a
+carpenter was medically rejected because he had a hammer toe. If he had
+lost a nail we could have understood it.
+
+* * *
+
+The following letter has been received by the matron of an Indian
+hospital:--
+
+     "Dear and fair Madam,-I have much pleasure to inform you that my
+     dearly unfortunate wife will be no longer under your care, she
+     having left this world for the next on the 27th ult. For your help
+     in this matter I shall ever remain grateful. Yours reverently,
+     ----."
+
+* * *
+
+A correspondent, anxious about etiquette, writes:--"Sir,--The other day
+I offered my seat to the lady-conductor of a tramcar. Did I
+right?--Yours truly, Noblesse Oblige."
+
+* * *
+
+It is stated that one of the principal items of discussion during the
+new Session of the Prussian Diet will be a Supplementary War Bill. Some
+of the members are expected to protest, on the ground that the present
+War is quite sufficient, thank you.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INTELLECTUAL RETRENCHMENT.
+
+[The annual expenses that will be saved by the closing of the London
+Museums and Galleries amount to about one-fifth of the public money
+spent on the salaries of Members of Parliament.]
+
+    Fetch out your padlocks, bolt and bar the portals,
+      That none may worship at the Muses' shrine;
+    Seal up the gifts bequeathed by our Immortals
+      To be the birthright of their ancient line;
+    At luxury if you would strike a blow,
+    Let Art and Science be the first to go.
+
+    Close down the fanes that guard the golden treasure
+      Wrung by our hands from Nature's hidden wealth;
+    Treat them as idle haunts of wanton pleasure,
+      Extremely noxious to the nation's health;
+    Show that our statesmanship at least has won
+    A vandal victory o'er the vandal Hun.
+
+    And when her children whom the seas have sent her
+      Come to the Motherland to fight her war,
+    And claim their common heritage, to enter
+      The gate of dreams to that enchanted store,
+    To other palaces we'll ask them in,
+    To purer joys of "movies" and of gin.
+
+    But let us still keep open one collection
+      Of curiosities and quaint antiques,
+    Under immediate Cabinet direction--
+      The finest specimens of talking freaks,
+    Who constitute our most superb Museum,
+    Judged by the salaries with which we fee 'em.
+                                                  O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DIPLOMACY.
+
+"Tell us," said Phyllis laboriously, "about diploma----" and there it
+stuck.
+
+"Tistics," added Lillah in a superior manner.
+
+Being an uncle, I can never give my brain a rest. It is the easiest
+thing in the world to be found out by a child of seven.
+
+"You mean," I said, "diplomatists?"
+
+"Yes," said Phyllis in a monotone. "Daddy said they-weren't-any
+earthly-blast-them and----"
+
+"Yes, yes!" I said hastily. I can imagine what George said about
+diplomatists. He held a good deal of Balkan stock.
+
+"Well, are they?" asked Lillah innocently.
+
+"Diplomatists," I said, "are people in spats and creased trousers, and
+the truth is not in them."
+
+"What is spats?" asked Phyllis.
+
+"Spats," I answered, "are what people wear when they want to get a job
+and their boots are shabby."
+
+"Are diplomatists shabby?" queried Lillah.
+
+"Not a bit," I answered rather bitterly.
+
+"Do they want jobs?"
+
+"They want to keep them," I said.
+
+"So they have spats," said Phyllis, completely satisfied.
+
+"Exactly," I said. "Then they go into an extremely grand room together
+and talk."
+
+"What about?" said Lillah.
+
+"Oh, anything that turns up," I answered--"the rise in prices or the
+late thaw; or if everything fails they simply make personal remarks."
+
+"Like clergymen," said Phyllis vaguely.
+
+"Exactly," I said. "And all round the building are secret police
+disguised as reporters, and reporters disguised as secret police. And
+then each of the diplomatists goes away and writes a white paper, or a
+black paper, or a greeny-yellow paper, to show that he was right."
+
+"And then?" Phyllis gaped with astonishment.
+
+"Then everybody organises, and centralises, and fraternises, and
+defraternises, and, in the end, mobilises."
+
+Phyllis and Lillah simply stared.
+
+"Why?" they both gasped.
+
+"Oh, just to show the diplomatists were wrong," I said airily.
+
+"And then?" said Lillah breathlessly.
+
+"The ratepayers pay more."
+
+"What is a ratepayer?" asked Phyllis.
+
+"A notorious geek and gull," I said, borrowing from a more distinguished
+writer.
+
+Lillah stared at me with misgiving.
+
+"But why don't the diplomists say what's true?" she asked.
+
+"Because," I said, "they'd lose their money and nobody would love them."
+
+"But," said Phyllis, "Mummie said if we were good everyone would love
+us."
+
+"Your mother was quite right," I answered, with a distinct twinge of
+that thin-ice feeling.
+
+"Well, but you said nobody would love diplomists if they were good,"
+said Phyllis.
+
+"So good people aren't loved," added Lillah, "and Mummie said what
+wasn't true."
+
+I fought desperately for a reply. This could not be allowed to pass. It
+struck at the roots of nursery constitutionalism.
+
+"Ah," I said, without any pretence at logic, "but the poor diplomatists
+don't know any better."
+
+"Like the heathen that Mummie tells us about on Sunday?"
+
+"Between the heathen and a diplomatist," I said, "there is nothing to
+choose."
+
+Phyllis sighed. "I wish I didn't know any better," she said yearningly.
+Lillah looked at me dangerously from the corner of her eye.
+
+"And got money for it," she added.
+
+"Would you like to play zoo?" I said hastily.
+
+They were silent.
+
+"I'll be a bear," I said eagerly--"a polar one."
+
+No answer. I felt discouraged, but I made another effort. "Or," I said,
+"I can be a monkey and you can throw nuts at me, or" --desperately-- "a
+ring-tailed lemur, or an orangoutang, or an ant-eater...." My voice
+tailed away and there was silence. Then the small voice of Phyllis broke
+in.
+
+"Uncle," she said, "why aren't you a diplomist?"
+
+At that point Nurse came in and I slid quietly off. As I was going out
+of the door I heard the voice of Lillah.
+
+"Nannie," she said, "tell us about diplomists."
+
+"You leave diplomatists alone, Miss Lillah," said Nurse; "they won't do
+you no harm if you don't talk about them."
+
+Now why couldn't I have thought of that? It's just training, I suppose.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+An Impending Apology.
+
+     "Lieut.-Col. ---- is out of the city in the interests of
+     recruiting."
+
+                                                _Winnipeg Evening Tribune._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Nevertheless a strong Bulgarophone and Turkophone feeling prevails
+     in Greece, especially in military circles."
+
+                                               _Balkan News_ (_Salonika_).
+
+"Master's Voice," we presume.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "'Theodore Wolff says:--'Other peace orators have followed Lord
+     Loreburn and Lord Courtney in the House of Lords. One must not
+     awaken the belief that such prophets can accomplish miracles of
+     conversation in a day.'"--_Winnipeg Evening Tribune._
+
+We think Herr Wolff underestimates Lord Courtney's powers in this
+direction.
+
+[Illustration: ECONOMY IN LUXURIES.
+
+First Philistine. "I'm All With the Government Over This Closing Of
+Museums. I Never Touch 'em Myself."
+
+Second Philistine. "Same Here. Waiter, Get Me a Couple of Stalls for The
+Frivolity."]
+
+[Illustration: AT OUR PATRIOTIC BAZAAR.
+
+_Devoted Stall-holder._ "I hardly like to ask you, Mr. Thrush, but the
+Committee would be so grateful if you would write one of your sweet
+verses on each of these eggs for wounded soldiers!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+JILLINGS.
+
+I have always been very fond and proud of my niece Celia. With an
+exceptionally attractive appearance and a personal fascination that is
+irresistible she combines the sweetest and most unselfish nature it has
+ever been my good fortune to meet. Indeed, she has so excessive a
+consideration for the feelings of everybody but herself that she drifts
+into difficulties which she might have avoided by a little more
+firmness. As, for example, in the case of Jillings. Celia and Jack have
+been married six years; he is about twelve years older than she, and a
+capital good fellow, though he is said to have rather a violent temper.
+But he has never shown it with Celia--nobody could, had left the Army on
+his marriage and settled down in a pretty little place in Surrey, but of
+course rejoined the Service as soon as the War broke out. So long as he
+was in training with his regiment she took rooms in the neighbourhood,
+but when he was ordered to the Front about a year ago she and the
+children returned to the Surrey home, and it was then that Celia engaged
+Jillings as parlourmaid. I saw her shortly afterwards when I went down
+to stay for a night, and was struck by the exuberant enthusiasm with
+which she waited--not over efficiently--at table. Celia remarked
+afterwards that Jillings was a little inexperienced as yet, but so
+willing and warm-hearted, and with such a sensitively affectionate
+disposition that the least hint of reproof sufficed to send her into a
+flood of tears.
+
+I had no idea then--nor had Celia--how much inconvenience and
+embarrassment can be produced by a warm-hearted parlour-maid. Jillings'
+devotion did not express itself in a concrete form until Celia's
+birthday, and the form it took was that of an obese and unimaginably
+hideous pincushion which mysteriously appeared on her dressing-table.
+Old and attached servants are in the habit of presenting their employers
+on certain occasions with some appropriate gift, and no one would be
+churlish enough to discourage so kindly a practice. But Jillings, it
+must be owned, was beginning it a bit early. However, Celia thanked her
+as charmingly as though she had been longing all her life for exactly
+such a treasure. Still, it was not only unnecessary but distinctly
+unwise to add that it should be placed in her wardrobe for safety, as
+being much too gorgeous for everyday use. Because all she gained by this
+consummate tact was another pincushion, not quite so ornate perhaps, but
+even cruder in colour, and this she was compelled to assign a prominent
+position among her toilet accessories.
+
+These successes naturally encouraged Jillings to further efforts. Celia
+had the misfortune one day to break a piece of valuable old porcelain
+which had stood on her drawing-room mantelpiece, whereupon the faithful
+Jillings promptly replaced the loss by a china ornament purchased by
+herself. Considered merely as an article of _vertu_ it was about on a
+par with the pincushions, but Celia accepted it in the spirit with which
+it had been offered. And, warned by experience, she did not lock it up
+in the obscurity of a cabinet, nor contrive that some convenient
+accident should befall it, wisely preferring "to bear those ills she had
+than fly to others," etc. And so it still remains a permanent eyesore on
+her mantelshelf.
+
+Then it seemed that Jillings, who, by the way, was not uncomely, had
+established friendly relations with one of the gardeners at the big
+house of the neighbourhood--with the result that Celia found her
+sitting-rooms replenished at frequent intervals with the most
+magnificent specimens of magnolia, tuberose, stephanotis and gardenia.
+Unfortunately she happens to be one of those persons whom any strongly
+scented flowers afflict with violent headache. But she never mentioned
+this for fear of wounding Jillings' susceptibilities. Luckily, Jillings
+and the under-gardener fell out in a fortnight.
+
+As was only to be expected, the other servants, being equally devoted to
+their mistress, could not allow Jillings to monopolize the pride and
+glory of putting her under an obligation. Very soon a sort of
+competition sprang up, each of them endeavouring to out-do the other in
+giving Celia what they termed, aptly enough, "little surprises," till
+they hit upon the happy solution of clubbing together for the purpose.
+Thus Celia, having, out of the kindness of her heart, ordered an
+expensive lace hood for the baby from a relation of the nurse's at
+Honiton, was dismayed to discover, when the hood arrived, that it was
+already paid for and was a joint gift from the domestics. After that she
+felt, being Celia, that it would be too ungracious to insist on
+refunding the money.
+
+It was not until I was staying with her last Spring that I heard of all
+these excesses. But at breakfast on Easter Sunday not only did Celia,
+Tony and the baby each receive an enormous satin egg filled with
+chocolates, but I was myself the recipient of one of these seasonable
+tokens, being informed by the beaming Jillings that "we didn't want
+_you_, Sir, to feel you'd been forgotten." By lunch-time it became clear
+that she had succeeded in animating at least one of the local tradesmen
+with this spirit of reckless liberality. For when Celia made a mild
+inquiry concerning a sweetbread which she had no recollection of having
+ordered Jillings explained, with what I fear I must describe as a
+self-conscious smirk, that it was "a little Easter orfering from the
+butcher, Madam." I am bound to say that even Celia was less scrupulous
+about hurting the butcher's feelings--no doubt from an impression that
+his occupation must have cured him of any over-sensitiveness.
+
+As soon as we were alone she told me all she had been enduring, which it
+seemed she had been careful not to mention in her letters to Jack. "I
+simply can't tell you, Uncle," she concluded pathetically, "how wearing
+it is to be constantly thanking somebody for something I'd ever so much
+rather be without. And yet--what else can I do?"
+
+I suggested that she might strictly forbid all future indulgence in
+these orgies of generosity, and she supposed meekly that she should
+really have to do something of that sort, though we both knew how
+extremely improbable it was that she ever would.
+
+This morning I had a letter from her. Jack had got leave at last and she
+was expecting him home that very afternoon, so I must come down and see
+him before his six days expired. "I wish now," she went on, "that I had
+taken your advice, but it was so difficult somehow. Because ever since I
+told Jillings and the others about Jack's coming home they have been
+going about smiling so importantly that I'm horribly afraid they're
+planning some dreadful surprise, and I daren't ask them what. Now I must
+break off, as I must get ready to go to the station with Tony and meet
+dear Jack...."
+
+Then followed a frantic postscript. "I know _now_! They've dressed poor
+Tony up in a little khaki uniform that doesn't even fit him! And, what's
+worse, they've put up a perfectly terrible triumphal arch over the front
+gate, with 'Hail to our Hero' on it in immense letters. They all seem so
+pleased with themselves--and anyway there's no time to alter anything
+now. But I don't know what Jack will say."
+
+I don't either, but I could give a pretty good guess. I shall see him
+and Celia to-morrow. But I shall be rather surprised if I see Jillings.
+
+                                                                     F. A.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Old Lady_ (_quite carried away_). "How nice it is to
+have the ticket proffered, as it were, instead of thrust upon one!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WELL-DISPOSED ONES.
+
+(_With acknowledgments to the back page of "The Referee."_)
+
+Bertram Brazenthwaite, Basso-Profondo (varicose veins and flat feet),
+respectfully informs his extensive _clientele_ that he has a few vacant
+dates at the end of 1917. Comings-of-Age, Jumble Sales and Fabian
+Society Soirees a specialite.
+
+     Sir Sawyer Hackett, M. D., writes: "The physical defects which
+     prevent Mr. Brazenthwaite from joining the colours have left his
+     vocal gifts and general gaiety unimpaired."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Do you want your Christening to be a _succes fou_? Then send for Hubert
+the Homunculus, London's Premier Baby-Entertainer (astigmatism, and
+conscientious objections).
+
+     "Hubert the Homunculus would make a kitten laugh."--Hilary Joye, in
+     _The Encore_.
+
+High-art pamphlet from "The Lebanons," New North Road, N.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Jolly Jenkin, Patriotic Prestidigitator (Group 98). Nominal terms to the
+Army, Navy and Civic Guard. Address till end of week, The Parthenon,
+Puddlecombe. Next, Reigate Rotunda.
+
+     _The Epoch_ says: "Jolly Jenkin has the Evil Eye. In the Middle
+     Ages he would have been burnt.".
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Men who are physically fit can be released from clerical duties
+     and replaced by hen only fit for sedentary occupations."--_Daily
+     Paper._
+
+Broody, in fact.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW I DINED WITH THE PRESIDENT.
+
+The Truth about Wilson.
+[SPECIAL TO _PUNCH_.]
+
+On Saturday, January 22nd, I arrived in Washington from Seattle. The
+Seattle part is another story.
+
+What I have to tell to-day, here, now, and once for all, is what I saw
+of the President at close quarters outside and inside the White House
+and what happened at the historic dinner-party, at which I was the only
+representative of a belligerent country present.
+
+By a fortunate coincidence Mr. Wilson arrived at the railway depot on
+his return from a game of golf with his secretary, Mr. Tumulty, as I was
+loitering at the bookstall. I had never seen either of them before, but
+intuitively recognised them in a flash. Mr. Tumulty looked exactly as a
+man with so momentous a name could only look. The President was garbed
+in a neutral-tinted lounge-suit and wore a dark fawn overcoat and
+dove-coloured spats.
+
+How did the President look? Well, his face was obviously the face of a
+changed man. Not that he is changed for the worse. He seemed in the pink
+of condition, and his clean-cut profile and firm jaw radiated inflexible
+determination at every pore. No signs of a moustache are yet visible on
+his finely-chiselled upper lip.
+
+I had no introduction, and no time was to be lost, so without a moment's
+hesitation I strode up to the President and said, "Permit me, Sir, as
+the accredited representative of a neutral nation, to offer you this
+token of respect," and handed him a small Dutch cheese, a dainty to
+which I had been informed he was especially partial. The President
+smiled graciously, handed the offering to his secretary, and said, "I
+thank you, Sir. Won't you join us at the White House at dinner
+to-night?" I expressed my acceptance in suitable terms, bowed and passed
+on.
+
+The dinner took place in the famous octagonal dining-room of the White
+House, which was profusely decorated with the flags of the Scandinavian
+Kingdoms, Spain, Greece, China, Chile, Peru, Brazil and the Argentine.
+
+The band of the Washington Post Office Rifles was ensconced behind a
+trellis of olive branches and discoursed a choice selection of soothing
+music. Flagons of grape-juice and various light and phosphorescent
+beverages stood on the sideboard. It was a memorable scene and every
+detail was indelibly impressed on my mind. The President greeted his
+guests with the calm dignity proper to his high office. He does not
+affect the high handshake of English smart society, but a firm yet
+gentle clasp. In repose his features reminded me of Julius Caesar, but
+when he smiles he recalls the more genial lineaments of the great
+Pompey. The general impression created on my mind was one of refined
+simplicity. As the President himself remarked, quoting Thucydides to one
+of his Greek guests, [Greek: philukalonmen meht ehuteleias].
+
+It is quite untrue that the conversation was confined to the English
+tongue. On the contrary all the neutral languages, except Chinese, were
+spoken, the President showing an equal facility in every one, and
+honourably making a point of never uttering two consecutive sentences in
+the same tongue. War topics were rigorously eschewed, and so far as I
+could follow the conversation--I only speak five of the neutral
+languages--the subjects ranged from golf to hygienic clothing, from
+co-education to coon-can.
+
+I do not propose here and now to state the circumstances in which, on
+leaving the White House, I was kidnapped by some emissaries of Count
+Bernstorff, and ultimately consigned to the Tombs in New York on a false
+charge of manslaughter; how I narrowly escaped being electrocuted, and
+was subsequently deported to Bermuda as an undesirable alien. What I saw
+and endured in the Tombs is another story. What really matters is the
+Bill of Fare of the President's dinner, which was printed in Esperanto
+and ran as follows:--
+
+    Turtle Dove Soup.
+    Norwegian Salmon Cutlets.
+    Iceland Reindeer Steak.
+    Tipperusalein Artichokes and Spanish Onions.
+    Chaudfroid a la Woodrow.
+    Irene Pudding.
+    Dutch Cheese Straws.
+    Brazil Nuts.
+
+After dinner Greek cigarettes were handed round with small cups of China
+tea and, as an alternative, Peruvian _mate._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE INVASION.
+
+I thought--being very old indeed, "older," as a poem by Mr. Sturge Moore
+begins, "than most sheep"--I thought, being so exceedingly mature and
+disillusioned, that I knew all the worries of life. Yet I did not; there
+was still one that was waiting for me round the corner, but I know that
+too, now.
+
+I will tell you about it.
+
+To begin with, let me describe myself. I am an ordinary quiet-living
+obscure person, neither exalted nor lowly, who, having tired of town,
+took a little place in the country and there settled down to a life of
+placidity, varied by such inroads upon ease as all back-to-the-landers
+know: now a raid on the chickens by a fox, whose humour it is not to
+devour but merely to decapitate; now the disappearance of the gardener
+at Lord Derby's coat-tails; now a flood; and now and continually a
+desire on the part of the cook to give a month's notice, if you please,
+and the consequent resumption of correspondence with the registry
+office. There you have the main lines of the existence not only of
+myself, but of thousands of other English rural recluses. But for such
+little difficulties I have been happy--a Cincinnatus ungrumbling.
+
+The new fly entered the ointment about three weeks ago, when a parcel
+was brought to me by a footman from the Priory, some three miles away,
+with a message to the effect that it had been delivered there and opened
+in error. They were of course very sorry.
+
+I asked how the mistake had occurred.
+
+"Same name," he said. "The house has just been let furnished to some
+people of the same name as yourself."
+
+Now I have always rather prided myself on the rarity of my name. I don't
+go so far as to claim that it came over with the Conqueror, but it is an
+old name and an uncommon one, and hitherto I had been the only owner of
+it in the district. To have it duplicated was annoying.
+
+Worse however was to come.
+
+I do not expect to be believed, but it is a solemn fact that within a
+fortnight two more bearers of my name moved into the village. One was a
+cowman, and the other a maiden lady, so that at the present moment there
+are four of us all opening or rejecting each other's letters. The thing
+is absurd. One might as well be named Smith right away.
+
+I don't mind the cowman, but the maiden lady is a large order. I have,
+as I say, lived in this place for some time--at least six years--and she
+moved into The Laurels only ten days ago, but when she came round this
+morning with an opened telegram that was not meant for her, she had the
+maiden--ladylikehood to remark how awkward it was when other people had
+the same name as herself. "There should," she said, "never be more than
+one holder of a name in a small place."
+
+I had no retort beyond the obvious one that I got there first; but I
+hope that the cowman henceforth gets all her correspondence and delays
+it. He is welcome to mine so long as he deals faithfully with hers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Balakn Centre has shifted." _Toronto Mail_.
+
+So we observe.
+
+
+MR. PUNCH'S POTTED FILMS. THE WILD WEST DRAMA.
+
+THE ROSEBUD OF GINGER'S GULCH.
+
+[Illustration: The Green-Eyed Monster.]
+
+[Illustration: On the Trail.]
+
+[Illustration: "He has left his pocket-handkerchief, and he has a cold
+in the head. I must take it to him."]
+
+[Illustration: "You have five seconds more to live."]
+
+[Illustration: In the nick of time.]
+
+[Illustration: "Darling!"]
+
+[Illustration: THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING YOUNG.
+
+Office-Boy engaging a suitable Employer.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEWS FROM KIEL.
+
+(_By our Naval Expert._)
+
+An interesting little item of news in the daily papers of last Wednesday
+may have escaped notice. It appears that the German Liners which have
+been laid up in New York harbour for the last eighteen months have
+discovered that their magnetic deviation has been affected. This is the
+explanation of the recent movement in the harbour, when all the German
+ships were turned round so as to readjust their compasses.
+
+The special significance of this information is to be found by taking it
+in conjunction with the recent puzzling reports of movements of the
+German High Seas Fleet. It will be remembered that the Fleet was
+represented in an enemy official report (with the customary
+exaggeration) as sweeping out into the North Sea. That was not readily
+believed, but it was generally felt that there must be something in it,
+especially as all manner of rumours of naval activity kept coming
+through from Scandinavia about the same time.
+
+Our naval experts in this country were quite at a loss, but to-day the
+riddle is solved. What was happening was that the High Seas Fleet was
+_turning round_.
+
+I have had the good fortune to fall in with a neutral traveller--of the
+usual high standing and impartial sympathies--who has supplied a few
+details. It seems that great excitement prevailed at this scene of
+unwonted bustle and activity. The operation was carried out under
+favourable weather conditions practically without a hitch, the
+casualties being quite negligible, and the _moral_ of the men, in spite
+of their long period of enforced coma, being absolutely unshaken. One
+and all have now cheerfully accepted the disconcerting changes involved
+in the new orientation, and window-boxes have been generally shifted to
+the sunny side.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "On Monday, near Durgerdam, in Holland, a fresh dyke burst occurred
+     on a length of 50 metres. Over 200 handbags were at once thrown
+     into the opening without any visible result."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+Still, the sacrifice was well meant.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GOLDEN VALLEY.
+
+(Herefordshire.)
+
+    Abbeydore, Abbeydore,
+      Land of apples and of gold,
+    Where the lavish field-gods pour
+      Song and cider manifold;
+    Gilded land of wheat and rye,
+    Land where laden branches cry,
+      "Apples for the young and old
+    Ripe at Abbeydore!"
+
+    Abbeydore, Abbeydore,
+      Where the shallow river spins
+    Elfin spells for evermore,
+      Where the mellow kilderkins
+    Hoard the winking apple-juice
+    For the laughing reapers' use;
+      All the joy of life begins
+    There at Abbeydore.
+
+    Abbeydore, Abbeydore,
+      In whose lap of wonder teems
+    Largess from a wizard store,
+      World of idle, crooning streams--
+    From a stricken land of pain
+    May I win to you again,
+      Garden of the God of Dreams,
+    Golden Abbeydore.
+
+[Illustration: A GERMAN HOLIDAY.
+
+Child. "PLEASE, SIR, WHAT IS THIS HOLIDAY FOR?"
+
+Official. "BECAUSE OUR ZEPPELINS HAVE CONQUERED ENGLAND."
+
+Child. "HAVE THEY BROUGHT US BACK ANY BREAD?"
+
+Official. "DON'T ASK SILLY QUESTIONS. WAVE YOUR FLAG."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE FRONT.
+
+There is one matter I have hitherto not touched on, because it has not
+hitherto touched on me, and that is Courses.
+
+The ideal course works like this. You are sitting up to the ears in mud
+under a brisk howitzer, trench mortar and rifle grenade fire, when a
+respectful signaller crawls round a traverse, remarking, "Message, Sir."
+
+You take the chit from him languidly, wondering whether you have earned
+a court-martial by omitting to report on the trench sleeping-suits which
+someone in the Rearward Services has omitted to forward, and you read,
+still languidly at first; then you get up and whoop, throw your primus
+stove into the air and proceed to dance on the parapet, if your trench
+has one. Then you settle down and read your message again to see if it
+still runs, "You are detailed to attend three months' Staff work course
+at Boulogne, commencing to-morrow. A car will be at the dump for you
+to-night. A month's leave on completion, of course."
+
+But all courses are not like this; all you can say is that some are less
+unlike it than others. I was sitting in a warm billet about twelve noon
+having breakfast on the first day out of trenches when the blow fell on
+me. I was to report about two days ago at a School of Instruction some
+two hundred yards away. I gathered that the course had started without
+me. I set some leisurely inquiries in train, in the hope that it might
+be over before I joined up. I also asked the Adjutant whether I couldn't
+have it put off till next time in trenches, or have it debited to me as
+half a machine-gun course payable on demand, or exchange it for a
+guinea-pig or a canary, or do anything consistent with the honour of an
+officer to stave it off. For to tell the truth, like all people who know
+nothing and have known it for a long time, I cherish a deeply-rooted
+objection to being instructed.
+
+Unfortunately the Adjutant is one of those weak fellows who always tell
+you that they are mere machines in the grip of the powers that change
+great nations. So on the third day I bought a nice new slate and satchel
+and joined up.
+
+Even now, after some days of intense instruction, I find my condition is
+a little confused and foggy. Of course it covers practically the whole
+field of military interests, and I ought to be able to win the War in
+about three-quarters of an hour, given a reasonable modicum of men,
+guns, indents, physical training and bayonet exercise, knowledge of
+military law, and acquaintance with the approved methods of conducting a
+casualty clearing station, a mechanical transport column, and a field
+kitchen. The confusion of mind evident in this last sentence is a high
+testimonial to the comprehensive nature of our course.
+
+Physical training made the strongest appeal to me. I remember some of
+the best words, not perhaps as they are, but as I caught them from an
+almost over-glib expert. Did you know you had a strabismal vertebra? or,
+given a strabismal vertebra, that it could be developed to almost any
+extent by simply 'eaving from the 'ips? Take my tip and try it next time
+you're under shell-fire.
+
+To-morrow we break up, and I join the army. The army has gone away
+somewhere while I wasn't looking, and I shall have to make inquiries
+about it. You never can tell what these things will do when not kept
+under the strictest observation. My bit _may_ have gone to Egypt or
+Nyassaland or Nagri Sembilan. But I have a depressing feeling that A 27
+_x y z_ iv. 9.8 will be nearer the mark, and that I shall find it
+meandering nightly to Bk 171 in large droves, there to insert more and
+more humps of soggy Belgium into more and more sandbags. I don't want to
+make myself unpleasant to the War Office, but I really can't see why we
+haven't once and for all built trenches all done up in eight-inch thick
+steel plates. They could easily be brought up ready-made, and simply
+sunk into position.
+
+They would sink all right; you'd just have to put them down anywhere and
+look the other way for a minute. The difficulty would be to stop the
+lift before it got to the basement--if there is a basement in Flanders.
+
+There is a tragedy to report. We were adopted recently by a magpie. He
+was a gentle creature of impulsive habits and strong woodpecking
+instincts. Arsene we called him. For some days he gladdened us with his
+soft bright eye. But when we came to know him well and I relied on him
+to break the shells of my eggs every morning at breakfast, to steal my
+pens and spill my ink, to wake me by a gentle nip on the nose from his
+firm but courteous beak, a rough grenadier came one day to explain a new
+type of infernal machine, and, when we went out, left a detonator on the
+table.
+
+I never saw what actually followed, but we buried Arsene with full
+military honours.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Ladies' Self-trimmed Velvet Hate for One
+     Shilling."--_North-Country Paper._
+
+The latest fashion in Berlin.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MORE LIGHT FROM OUR LEADERS.
+
+By way of a supplement to the Candle-shade epigrams recently contributed
+by various distinguished men and women of light and leading, we have
+been fortunate to secure the following sentiments for St. Valentine's
+Day from several luminaries who were conspicuously absent from the list.
+
+Mr. Harry Lauder, the illustrious comedian, poetizes as follows:--
+
+     "Let those wha wull compile the nation's annals, And guide oor
+     thochts in strict historic channels; Ma Muse prefers, far fra these
+     dull morasses, To laud the purrrple heather and the lassies."
+
+Mr. Stevenson, the incomparable cueist, sends this pithy distich:--
+
+     "Big guns are useful in their way, 'tis true, But nursery cannons
+     have their uses too."
+
+Miss Carrie Tubb, the famous soprano, writes:--
+
+     "Butt me no butts. Though carping critics flout us, What would
+     Diogenes have done without us?"
+
+A distinguished actor gives as his favourite quotation the couplet from
+Goldsmith:--
+
+     "A man he was financially unique, And passing poor on forty pounds
+     a week."
+
+Mr. Bernard Shaw contributes this characteristic definition of genius:--
+
+     "Genius consists in an infinite capacity for giving pain."
+
+The Air Candidate for Mile End sends the following witty and topical
+epigram:--
+
+     "Mid war's alarms there is no time for cooing, But Billing may
+     prevent our land's undoing."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "We are all familiar with the poetic words: 'There's many a gem
+     that's born to blush unseen, and waste its fragrance on the desert
+     air.'"--_Kilmarnock Herald._
+
+Our own ignorance of this gem makes us blush (unseen, we hope).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "How To Keep Warm.--In Great Britain I think a shirt, vest and coat
+     enough covering for the ordinary man. I wear no more."
+
+                                                    _Reynolds Newspaper._
+
+No one who follows this advice need fear a chill. The police are sure to
+make it warm for him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "When Sir Stanley (now Lord) Buckmaster succeeded Mr. (now Sir) F.
+     E. Smith in the chief responsibility for the Bureau he made a point
+     of betting on friendly terms with the representatives of the Fourth
+     Estate."
+
+                                              _Bristol Times and Mirror._
+
+Several of them, it is well known, have been charged with book-making.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Lady (Young) seeks Sit. in shop; butcher's preferred; would like
+     to learn scales."
+
+                                                         _Morning Paper._
+
+Why not try a piano-monger's?
+
+[Illustration: _She._ "And are you only just back from the trenches? How
+interesting! You will be able to tell us the real truth about the
+Kaiser's illness."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A DUEL OF ENDURANCE.
+
+Our butcher's name is Bones. Yes, I know it sounds too good to be true.
+But I can't help it. Once more, his name is Bones.
+
+There is something wrong with Bones. Mark him as he stands there among
+all those bodies of sheep and oxen, feeling with his thumb the edge of
+that long sharp knife and gazing wistfully across the way to where the
+greengrocer's baby lies asleep in its perambulator on the pavement.
+Observe him start with a sigh from his reverie as you enter his shop.
+What is the matter with him? Why should a butcher sigh?
+
+I will tell you. He has been thinking about the Kaiser, the Kaiser who
+is breaking his heart through the medium of the greengrocer's baby.
+
+As all the world knows, between the ages of one and two the best British
+babies are built up on beef tea and mutton broth; at two or thereabouts
+they start on small chops. No one can say when the custom arose. Like so
+many of those unwritten laws on which the greatness of England is really
+based it has outgrown the memory of its origin. But its force is as
+universally binding to-day as it was in Plantagenet times. Thus, though
+numerous households since the War began have temporarily adopted a
+vegetarian diet, in the majority of cases a line has been drawn at the
+baby. That is why butchers at present look on babies as their
+sheet-anchors. It is through them that they keep the toe of their boot
+inside the family door. The little things they send for them serve as a
+memento of the old Sunday sirloin, a reminder that while nuts may
+nourish niggers the Briton's true prerogative is beef.
+
+The greengrocer has given up meat. But he has done more than this. He
+has done what not even a greengrocer should do. He has broken the
+tradition of the ages. He is feeding his baby on bananas.
+
+At first the greengrocer's baby did not like bananas and its cries were
+awful. But after a while it got used to them, and now even when it goes
+to bed it clutches one in its tiny hand. It is not so rosy as it was,
+but the greengrocer says red-faced babies are apoplectic and that the
+reason it twitches so much in its sleep is because it is so full of
+vitality. He is advising all his customers to feed their babies on
+bananas. Bones does not care much what happens to the greengrocer's
+baby, but he says if it lasts much longer he will have to put his
+shutters up. He is growing very despondent, and I noticed the other day
+that he had given up chewing suet--a bad sign in a butcher.
+
+It is a duel of endurance between Bones and the greengrocer's baby. I
+wonder which will win.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Mr. Buxton was severely heckled at the outset from all parts of
+     the room. Each time he endeavoured to speak he was hailed with a
+     torrent of howls, hoots and kisses."
+
+                                                        _Provincial Paper_.
+
+A notoriously effective way of stopping the mouth.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From the Lady's column in _The Cur_:--
+
+     "Now about this word 'damn.' Of course you all think it is a good
+     old Saxon word! Well, prepare for a surprise. It is derived from
+     the Latin damnere."
+
+Well, we are--surprised.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Motto for the next Turkish Revolution: _Enver Renverse_.
+
+[Illustration: _Householder._ "But, hang it all, I can't see why that
+bomb next door should make you want to _raise_ my rent!"
+
+_Landlord._ "Don't you perceive, my dear Sir, that your house is now
+semi-detached?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TONNAGE.
+
+"Oh, dear," said Francesca, "everything keeps going up." She was engaged
+upon the weekly books and spoke in a tone of heartfelt despair.
+
+"Well," I said, "you've known all along how it would be. Everybody's
+told you so."
+
+"Everybody? Who's everybody in this case?"
+
+"I told you so for one, and Mr. Asquith mentioned it several times, and
+so did Mr. McKenna."
+
+"I have never," she said proudly, "discussed my weekly books with
+Messrs. Asquith and McKenna. I should scorn the action."
+
+"That's all very well," I said. "Keep them away as far as you can, but
+they'll still get hold of you. The Chancellor of the Exchequer knows
+your weekly books by heart."
+
+"I wish," she said, "he'd add them up for me. He's a good adder-up, I
+suppose, or he wouldn't be what he is."
+
+"He's fair to middling, I fancy--something like me."
+
+"_You!_" she said, in a tone of ineffable contempt. "You're no good at
+addition."
+
+"Francesca," I said, "you wrong me. I'm a great deal of good. Of course
+I don't pretend to be able to run three fingers up three columns of
+figures a yard long and to write down the result as L7,956 17_s._ 8_d_.,
+or whatever it may be, without a moment's pause. I can't do that, but
+for the ordinary rough-and-tumble work of domestic addition I'm hard to
+beat. Only if I'm to do these books of yours there must be perfect
+silence in the room. I mustn't be talked to while I'm wrestling with the
+nineteens and the seventeens in the shilling column."
+
+"In fact," said Francesca, "you ought to be a deaf adder."
+
+"Francesca," I said, "how could you? Give me the butcher's book and let
+there be no more _jeux de mots_ between us."
+
+I took the book, which was a masterpiece of illegibility, and added it
+up with my usual grace and felicity.
+
+"Francesca," I said as I finished my task, "my total differs from the
+butcher's, but the difference is in his favour, not in mine. He seems to
+have imparted variety to his calculations by considering that it took
+twenty pence to make a shilling, which is a generous error. Now let me
+deal with the baker while you tackle the grocer, and then we'll wind up
+by doing the washing-book together."
+
+The washing-book was a teaser, the items being apparently entered in
+Chaldee, but we stumbled through it at last.
+
+"And now," I said, "we can take up the subject of thrift."
+
+"I don't want to talk about it," she said, "I'm thoroughly tired of it.
+We've talked too much about it already."
+
+"You're wrong there; we haven't talked half enough. If we had, the books
+wouldn't have gone up."
+
+"They haven't gone up," she said. "They're about the same, but we've
+been having less."
+
+"Noble creature," I said, "do you mean to say that you've docked me of
+one of my Sunday sausages and the whole of my Thursday roly-poly pudding
+and never said a word about it?"
+
+"Well, you didn't seem to notice it, so I left it alone."
+
+"Ah, but I did notice it," I said, "but I determined to suffer in
+silence in order to set an example to the children."
+
+"That was bravely done," she said. "It encourages me to cut down the
+Saturday sirloin."
+
+"But what will the servants say? They won't like it."
+
+"They'll have to lump it then."
+
+"But I thought servants never lumped it. I thought they always insisted
+on their elevenses and all their other food privileges."
+
+"Anyhow," she said, "I'm going to make a push for economy and the
+servants must push with me. They won't starve, whatever happens."
+
+"No, and if they begin to object you can talk to them about tonnage."
+
+"That ought to bowl them over. But hadn't I better know what it means
+before I mention it?"
+
+"Yes, that might be an advantage."
+
+"You see," she said, "Mrs. Mincer devotes to the reading of newspapers
+all the time she can spare from the cooking of meals and she'd be sure
+to trip me up if I ventured to say anything about tonnage."
+
+"Learn then," I said, "that tonnage means the amount of space reserved
+for cargoes on ships--at least I suppose that's what it means, and----"
+
+"You don't seem very sure about it. Hadn't you better look it up?"
+
+"No," I said. "That's good enough for Mrs. Mincer. Now if there's an
+insufficiency of tonnage----"
+
+"But why should there be an insufficiency of tonnage?"
+
+"Because," I said, "the Government have taken up so much tonnage for the
+purposes of the War. How did you think the Army got supplied with food
+and shells and guns and men? Did you think they flew over to France and
+Egypt and Salonica?"
+
+"Don't be rude," she said. "I didn't introduce this question of tonnage.
+You did. And even now I don't see what tonnage has got to do with our
+sirloin of beef."
+
+"I will," I said kindly, "explain it to you all over again. We have
+ample tonnage for necessaries, but not for luxuries."
+
+"But my sirloin of beef isn't a luxury."
+
+"For the purpose of my argument," I said, "it is a luxury and must be
+treated as such."
+
+"Do you know," she said, "I don't think I'll bother about tonnage. I'll
+tackle Mrs. Mincer in my own way."
+
+"You're throwing away a great opportunity," I said.
+
+"Never mind," she said. "If I feel I'm being beaten I'll call you in.
+Your power of lucid explanation will pull me through."
+
+                                                                   R. C. L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Elder to Beadle._ "Well, John, how did you like the
+strange minister?"
+
+_Beadle._ "No Ava, Elder--he's an awfu' frichtened kin' a chap yon. Did
+ye notice how he aye talked aboot 'oor adversary, Satan'? Oor own
+meenister just ca's him plain 'deevil'--he doesna care a dom for him."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CANADIAN REMOUNTS.
+
+    Bronco dams they ran by on the ranges of the prairies,
+      Heard the chicken drumming in the scented saskatoon,
+    Saw the jewel humming-birds, the flocks of pale canaries,
+      Heard the coyotes dirging to the ruddy Northern moon;
+    Woolly foals, leggy foals, foals that romped and wrestled,
+      Rolled in beds of golden-rod and charged to mimic fights,
+    Saw the frosty Bear wink out and comfortably nestled
+      Close beside their vixen dams beneath the wizard Lights.
+
+    Far from home and overseas, older now--and wiser,
+      Branded with the arrow brand, broke to trace and bit,
+    Tugging up the grey guns "to strafe the blooming Kaiser,"
+      Up the hill to Kemmel, where the Mauser bullets spit;
+    Stiffened with the cold rains, mired and tired and gory,
+      Plunging through the mud-holes as the batteries advance,
+    Far from home and overseas--but battling on to glory
+      With the English eighteen-pounders and the soixante-quinzes of France!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"Mrs. Pretty and the Premier."
+
+I am not sure that I didn't find Mr. Bourchier's "Foreword" or Apologia
+(kindly given away with the programme) rather more entertaining than the
+play itself. As long as the dramatist (a New Zealander) concerned
+himself with the delightfully unconventional atmosphere of Antipodean
+politics he was illuminating and very possibly veracious. But the
+relations between the _Premier_ and the widow _Pretty_, which promised,
+as the title hinted, to be the main attraction, were such as never could
+have occurred on land or sea. It was impossible, with this farcical
+element always obtruding itself, to take the political features of the
+play seriously, as I gather that we were intended to do; and we got very
+little help from Mr. Bourchier's own performance, which was frankly
+humorous. In his brochure he tells us with great solemnity that he is
+"more than pleased to think that the play may help to demonstrate to
+those of an older civilisation how truly the best of the so-called
+Labour politicians strive to serve their country and their fellow
+men.... Premier 'Bill' demonstrates vividly enough that, heart and soul,
+the Australian politician devotes himself to the uplifting of the great
+Commonwealth." Mr. Bourchier's tongue may or may not have been in his
+cheek when he penned these lofty sentiments, but anyhow it seemed to be
+there during most of the play.
+
+He is on safer ground when he tells us that "in curiously vivid and
+pungent fashion this little play outlines the breezy freshness and the
+originality of outlook which almost invariably characterise the
+politicians and statesmen of the Prairie, the Veldt and the Bush, and
+which more than anything else perhaps differentiates them from the men
+of an older land, hampered as these latter often are by long and stately
+traditions." Certainly, in the matter of addressing its Premier by a
+familiar abbreviation of his Christian name (an authority who has
+travelled in these parts assures Mr. Bourchier that he is "quite right:"
+that "people would call this Premier 'Bill' in Australia") the new world
+differs from the old. I cannot so much as contemplate the thought of Mr.
+Asquith being addressed by the Minister Of Munitions as "Herb," or even
+"Bert."
+
+[Illustration: FIRST LOVE; OR THE JEUNE PREMIER.
+
+_Bill the Premier_ Mr. Arthur Bourchier.
+
+_Mrs. Pretty_ Miss Kyrle Bellew.]
+
+But we have difficulties again with the Foreword (for I cannot get away
+from it) when we come to the question of the hero's virility. In the
+play his secretary says of him, "Bill's not a man, he's a Premier. A
+kind of dynamo running the country at top speed." Yet the Foreword,
+after citing this passage, goes on to insist upon his "tingling
+humanity" and hinting at the need of such a type of manhood at the
+present time. "After all," concludes Mr. Bourchier in a spasm of
+uplift--"after all, what is the cry of the moment here in the heart of
+the Empire, but for 'a Man-Give us a Man!'" But even if we reject the
+secretary's estimate of his chief as a dynamo we still find a certain
+deficiency of manhood in the anaemic indifference of the _Premier's_
+attitude to women; an attitude, by the way, not commonly associated with
+Mr. Bourchier's impersonations on the stage. _Mrs. Pretty's_ tastes are,
+of course, her own affair, and we were allowed little insight into her
+heart (if any), but I can only conclude that her choice was governed by
+political rather than emotional considerations ("Let us remember Women
+Have the Vote In Australia" is the finale of the Foreword) and that what
+she wanted was a Premier rather than a Man.
+
+Of the play itself one may at least say that it kept fairly off the
+beaten track. There was novelty in its local colour, its unfamiliar
+types and the episode, adroitly managed, of a pair of gloves employed to
+muffle the division bell at the moment of a crisis on which the fate of
+the Government depended. But the design was too small to fill the stage
+of His Majesty's and it left me a little disappointed. I was content so
+long as Mr. Bourchier was in sight, but the part of _Mrs. Pretty_ needed
+something more than the rather conscious graces and airy drapery of Miss
+Kyrle Bellew. The rest of the performance was sound but not very
+exhilarating; and altogether, though I hope I am properly grateful for
+any help towards the realisation of "Colonial conditions," I cannot
+honestly say that _Mrs. Pretty_ and the _Premier_ has done very much for
+me (as Mr. Bourchier hoped it would) by way of supplementing the thrill
+of Anzac. O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    A NAVAL REVELATION.
+
+    Edward Brown's official sheet,
+    Humble though his station,
+    Showed a record which the Fleet
+    Viewed with admiration.
+
+    Fifteen stainless summers bore
+    Fruit in serried cluster;
+    Conduct stripes he proudly wore,
+    One for every lustre.
+
+    Picture then the blank amaze
+    When this model rating
+    Suddenly developed traits
+    Most incriminating.
+
+    Faults in baser spirits deemed
+    Merely peccadillos
+    In that crystal mirror seemed
+    Vast as Biscay billows.
+
+    Cautioned not to over-run
+    Naval toleration,
+    He replied in language un-
+    Fit for publication.
+
+    When the captain in alarm
+    Strove to solve the riddle,
+    Edward slipped a dreamy arm
+    Round that awful middle.
+
+    Such a catastrophic change
+    Set his shipmates thinking;
+    Rumour whispered, "It is strange;
+    Clearly he is drinking."
+
+    Ever more insistent got
+    This malicious fable,
+    Till he tied a true-love's knot
+    In the anchor cable.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "During December, 1661, meals for necessitous school children were
+     provided at Chorley at a cost of 4d. per meal per scholar."
+
+_Provincial Paper._
+
+In gratitude for the Restoration, we suppose. Hence the watchword, "Good
+old Chorley!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Summoned for permitting three houses to stray on Stoke Park on the
+     19th inst ... defendant admitted the offence, but said that some
+     one must have let them out by taking the chain off the
+     gate."--_Provincial Paper_.
+
+It seems a reasonable explanation.
+
+[Illustration: _Officer_ (_to Tommy, who has been using the whip
+freely_). "Don't beat him; talk to him, man--talk to him!"
+
+_Tommy_ (_to horse, by way of opening the conversation_). "I coom from
+Manchester."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+The latest of our writers to contribute to the growing literature of the
+War is Mr. Hugh Walpole. He has written a book about it called _The Dark
+Forest_ (Secker), but whether it is a good or a bad book I who have read
+it carefully from cover to cover confess my inability to decide. It is
+certainly a clever book, and violently unusual. I doubt whether the War
+is likely to produce anything else in the least resembling it. For one
+thing, it deals with a phase of the struggle, the Russian retreat
+through Galicia, about which we in England are still tragically
+ignorant. Mr. Walpole writes of this as he himself has seen it in his
+own experience as a worker with the Russian Red Cross. The horrors, the
+compensations, the tragedy and happiness of such work have come straight
+into the book from life. But not content with this, he has peopled his
+mission with fictitious characters and made a story about them. And good
+as the story is, full of fine imagination and character, the background
+is so tremendously more real that I was constantly having to resist a
+feeling of impatience with the false creations (in _Macbeth's_ sense)
+who play out their unsubstantial drama before it. Yet I am far from
+denying the beauty of Mr. Walpole's idea. The characters of _Trenchard_,
+the self-doubting young Englishman, who finds reality in his love for
+the nurse _Marie Ivanovna_, and of the Russian doctor, _Semyonov_, who
+takes her from him, are exquisitely realized. And the atmosphere of
+increasing mental strain, in which, after _Marie's_ death, the tragedy
+of these three moves to its climax in the forest is the work of an
+artist in emotion, such as by this time we know Mr. Walpole to be. The
+trouble was that I had at the moment no wish for artistry. To sum up, I
+am left with the impression that an uncommonly good short story rather
+tiresomely distracted my attention from some magnificent war-pictures.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+As Field-Marshal Sir Evelyn Wood, V. C., in _Our Fighting Services_
+(Cassell), begins with the Battle of Hastings and ends with the Boer War
+there is no gainsaying the fact that his net has been widely spread. To
+assist him in the compilation of this immense tome the author has a
+fluent style and--to judge from the authorities consulted and the
+results of these consultations--an inexhaustible industry. The one
+should make his book acceptable to the amateur who reads history because
+he happens to love it, and the other should make it invaluable to
+professionals who handle books of reference, not lovingly, but of
+necessity. And having said so much in praise of Sir Evelyn I am also
+happy to add that he is, on the whole, that rare thing--an historian
+without prejudices. Almost desperately, for instance, he tries to
+express his admiration of Oliver Cromwell as a soldier, although he
+quite obviously detests him as a man. I find myself, however, wondering
+whether Sir Evelyn, were he writing of Cromwell at this hour, would say,
+"For a man over forty years of age to work hard to acquire the rudiments
+of drill is in itself remarkable." Even when allowance is made for the
+differences between the seventeenth and twentieth centuries there would
+seem to be nothing very worthy of remark in such energy if one may judge
+from the attitude of our War Office to the Volunteers. Naturally one
+turns eagerly to see what this distinguished soldier has to say about
+campaigns in which he took a personal part, but, although shrewd
+criticism is not lacking, Sir Evelyn's sword has been more destructive
+than his pen. In these days of tremendous events this volume may
+possibly be slow to come to its own, but in due course it is bound to
+arrive.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I find, on referring to the "By the same Author" page of _The Lad With
+Wings_ (Hutchinson), that other reviewers of "Berta Buck's" novels have
+been struck by the "charm" of her work. I should like to be original,
+but I cannot think of any better way of summing up the quality of her
+writing. Charm above everything else is what _The Lad With Wings_
+possesses. It is a perfectly delightful book, moving at racing speed
+from the first chapter to the last, and so skilfully written that even
+the technically unhappy ending brings no gloom. When _Gwenna Williams_
+and _Paul Dampier_, the young airman she has married only a few hours
+before the breaking out of war, go down to death together in mid-Channel
+after the battle with the German Taube, the reader feels with _Leslie
+Long, Gwenna's_ friend, "The best time to go out! No growing old and
+growing dull.... No growing out of love with each other, ever! They at
+least have had something that nothing can spoil." I suppose that when
+Mrs. Oliver Onions is interviewed as to her literary methods it will
+turn out that she re-writes everything a dozen times and considers
+fifteen hundred words a good day's work; but she manages in _The Lad
+With Wings_ to convey an impression of having written the whole story at
+a sitting. The pace never flags for a moment, and the characters are
+drawn with that apparently effortless skill which generally involves
+anguish and the burning of the midnight oil. I think I enjoyed the art
+of the writing almost as much as the story itself. If you want to see
+how a sense of touch can make all the difference, you should study
+carefully the character of _Leslie_, a genuine creation. But the book
+would be worth reading if only for the pleasure of meeting _Hugo
+Swayne_, the intellectual _dilettante_ who, when he tried to enlist, was
+rejected as not sufficiently intelligent and then set to painting
+omnibuses in the Futurist mode, to render them invisible at a distance.
+A few weeks from now I shall take down _The Lad With Wings_ from its
+shelf and read it all over again. It is that sort of book.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When old _Lady Polwhele_ asked the _Reverend Dr. Gwyn_ to let his
+daughter _Delia_ go with her as companion to a very smart house party, I
+doubt whether the excellent man would have given so ready an assent had
+he known what was going to come of it. For my own part I suspected we
+were in for yet another version of _Cinderella_, with _Delia_ snubbed by
+the smart guests, and eventually united, as like as not, to young _Lord
+Polwhele_. However, Miss Dorothea Townshend, who has written about all
+these people in _A Lion, A Mouse and a Motor Car_ (Simpkin), had other
+and higher views for her heroine. True, the house party was ultra-smart;
+true also that there was one woman who spoke and behaved cattishly; but
+it was a refreshing novelty to find that throughout the tale the ugly
+sisters, so to speak, were hopelessly outnumbered by the fairy
+godmothers. Later, the visit led to _Delia's_ going as governess to the
+children of a Russian Princess, and finding herself in circles that
+might be described as not only fast but furious. Here we were in a fine
+atmosphere of intrigue, with spies, and Grand Dukes, and explosive golf
+balls and I don't know what beside. It is all capital fun; and, though I
+am afraid the political plots left me unconvinced, the thing is told
+with such ease and _bonhomie_ that it is saved from banality; even when
+the amazing cat of the house-party turns up as a female bandit and tries
+to hold _Delia_ and her Princess to ransom. And of course the fact that
+the period of the tale is that of the earliest motors gives it the
+quaintest air of antiquity. Somehow, talk of sedan chairs would sound
+more modern than these thrills of excitement about six cylinders and
+"smelly petrol." In short, for many reasons Miss Townshend's book
+provides a far brisker entertainment than its cumbrous title would
+indicate.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. Stephen Graham is fast becoming the arch-interpreter of Holy Russia.
+In _The Way of Martha and the Way of Mary_ (Macmillan) he returns with
+even more than his customary zeal to his good work, wishing herein
+specifically to interpret Russian Christianity to the West. A passionate
+earnestness informs his discursive eloquence. I cannot resist the
+conviction that he has the type of mind that sees most easily what it
+wishes to see. He moves cheerily along, incidentally raising
+difficulties which he does not solve, ignoring conclusions which seem
+obvious, throwing glorious generalisations and unharmonised
+contradictions at the bewildered reader, too bent on his generous
+purpose to glance aside for any explanations. Perhaps this is the best
+method for an enthusiast to pursue. He certainly creates a vivid picture
+of this strangely unknown allied people, with its incredible
+otherworldliness, its broad tolerant charity, its freedom from chilly
+conventions, its joyous neglect of the hustle and fussiness of Western
+life, its deep faith, its childish or childlike superstitions, the
+glorious promise of its future. An interesting--even a
+fascinating--rather than a conclusive book.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "I haven't had any address for the last few months, so
+the authorities have overlooked me. I'd like to join all right, but the
+missus can't spare me. I'm a bit of a fisherman and I play the
+concertina. Now, what sort of an armlet do I get?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Super-Bridegroom.
+
+     "In his seventy-third year the Earl of ---- has made his third
+     matrimonial venture this week."--_Yorkshire Evening Post._
+
+* * * * *
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol
+150, February 9, 1916, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH/CHARIVARI, FEB 9, 1916 ***
+
+***** This file should be named 29518.txt or 29518.zip *****
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