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+Project Gutenberg's The Fatal Boots, by William Makepeace Thackeray
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The Fatal Boots
+
+Author: William Makepeace Thackeray
+
+Release Date: May 27, 2006 [EBook #2844]
+Last Updated: March 5, 2018
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: UTF-8
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE FATAL BOOTS ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Donald Lainson
+
+
+
+
+
+THE FATAL BOOTS.
+
+
+by William Makepeace Thackeray
+
+
+
+
+THE FATAL BOOTS:--
+
+
+
+January.--The Birth of the Year
+
+February.--Cutting Weather
+
+March.--Showery
+
+April.--Fooling
+
+May.--Restoration Day
+
+June.--Marrowbones and Cleavers
+
+July.--Summary Proceedings
+
+August.--Dogs have their Days
+
+September.--Plucking a Goose
+
+October.--Mars and Venus in Opposition
+
+November.--A General Post Delivery
+
+December.--“The Winter of Our Discontent”
+
+
+
+
+THE FATAL BOOTS
+
+
+
+
+JANUARY.--THE BIRTH OF THE YEAR.
+
+Some poet has observed, that if any man would write down what has really
+happened to him in this mortal life, he would be sure to make a good
+book, though he never had met with a single adventure from his birth to
+his burial. How much more, then, must I, who HAVE had adventures, most
+singular, pathetic, and unparalleled, be able to compile an instructive
+and entertaining volume for the use of the public.
+
+I don't mean to say that I have killed lions, or seen the wonders of
+travel in the deserts of Arabia or Prussia; or that I have been a very
+fashionable character, living with dukes and peeresses, and writing my
+recollections of them, as the way now is. I never left this my native
+isle, nor spoke to a lord (except an Irish one, who had rooms in our
+house, and forgot to pay three weeks' lodging and extras); but, as our
+immortal bard observes, I have in the course of my existence been so
+eaten up by the slugs and harrows of outrageous fortune, and have been
+the object of such continual and extraordinary ill-luck, that I believe
+it would melt the heart of a milestone to read of it--that is, if a
+milestone had a heart of anything but stone.
+
+Twelve of my adventures, suitable for meditation and perusal during the
+twelve months of the year, have been arranged by me for this work. They
+contain a part of the history of a great, and, confidently I may say,
+a GOOD man. I was not a spendthrift like other men. I never wronged any
+man of a shilling, though I am as sharp a fellow at a bargain as any in
+Europe. I never injured a fellow-creature; on the contrary, on
+several occasions, when injured myself, have shown the most wonderful
+forbearance. I come of a tolerably good family; and yet, born to
+wealth--of an inoffensive disposition, careful of the money that I
+had, and eager to get more,--I have been going down hill ever since
+my journey of life began, and have been pursued by a complication of
+misfortunes such as surely never happened to any man but the unhappy Bob
+Stubbs.
+
+Bob Stubbs is my name; and I haven't got a shilling: I have borne the
+commission of lieutenant in the service of King George, and am NOW--but
+never mind what I am now, for the public will know in a few pages more.
+My father was of the Suffolk Stubbses--a well-to-do gentleman of Bungay.
+My grandfather had been a respected attorney in that town, and left my
+papa a pretty little fortune. I was thus the inheritor of competence,
+and ought to be at this moment a gentleman.
+
+My misfortunes may be said to have commenced about a year before my
+birth, when my papa, a young fellow pretending to study the law in
+London, fell madly in love with Miss Smith, the daughter of a tradesman,
+who did not give her a sixpence, and afterwards became bankrupt. My papa
+married this Miss Smith, and carried her off to the country, where I was
+born, in an evil hour for me.
+
+Were I to attempt to describe my early years, you would laugh at me as
+an impostor; but the following letter from mamma to a friend, after her
+marriage, will pretty well show you what a poor foolish creature she
+was; and what a reckless extravagant fellow was my other unfortunate
+parent:--
+
+
+“TO MISS ELIZA KICKS, IN GRACECHURCH STREET, LONDON.
+
+“OH, ELIZA! your Susan is the happiest girl under heaven! My Thomas is
+an angel! not a tall grenadier-like looking fellow, such as I always
+vowed I would marry:--on the contrary, he is what the world would call
+dumpy, and I hesitate not to confess, that his eyes have a cast in them.
+But what then? when one of his eyes is fixed on me, and one on my babe,
+they are lighted up with an affection which my pen cannot describe, and
+which, certainly, was never bestowed upon any woman so strongly as upon
+your happy Susan Stubbs.
+
+“When he comes home from shooting, or the farm, if you COULD see dear
+Thomas with me and our dear little Bob! as I sit on one knee, and baby
+on the other, and as he dances us both about. I often wish that we had
+Sir Joshua, or some great painter, to depict the group; for sure it is
+the prettiest picture in the whole world, to see three such loving merry
+people.
+
+“Dear baby is the most lovely little creature that CAN POSSIBLY
+BE,--the very IMAGE of papa; he is cutting his teeth, and the delight
+of EVERYBODY. Nurse says that, when he is older he will get rid of his
+squint, and his hair will get a GREAT DEAL less red. Doctor Bates is
+as kind, and skilful, and attentive as we could desire. Think what a
+blessing to have had him! Ever since poor baby's birth, it has never had
+a day of quiet; and he has been obliged to give it from three to four
+doses every week;--how thankful ought we to be that the DEAR THING is
+as well as it is! It got through the measles wonderfully; then it had
+a little rash; and then a nasty hooping-cough; and then a fever, and
+continual pains in its poor little stomach, crying, poor dear child,
+from morning till night.
+
+“But dear Tom is an excellent nurse; and many and many a night has he
+had no sleep, dear man! in consequence of the poor little baby. He walks
+up and down with it FOR HOURS, singing a kind of song (dear fellow, he
+has no more voice than a tea-kettle), and bobbing his head backwards and
+forwards, and looking, in his nightcap and dressing-gown, SO DROLL. Oh,
+Eliza! how you would laugh to see him.
+
+“We have one of the best nursemaids IN THE WORLD,--an Irishwoman, who is
+as fond of baby almost as his mother (but that can NEVER BE). She takes
+it to walk in the park for hours together, and I really don't know why
+Thomas dislikes her. He says she is tipsy, very often, and slovenly,
+which I cannot conceive;--to be sure, the nurse is sadly dirty, and
+sometimes smells very strong of gin.
+
+“But what of that?--these little drawbacks only make home more pleasant.
+When one thinks how many mothers have NO nursemaids: how many poor dear
+children have no doctors: ought we not to be thankful for Mary Malowney,
+and that Dr. Bates's bill is forty-seven pounds? How ill must dear baby
+have been, to require so much physic!
+
+“But they are a sad expense, these dear babies, after all. Fancy, Eliza,
+how much this Mary Malowney costs us. Ten shillings every week; a glass
+of brandy or gin at dinner; three pint-bottles of Mr. Thrale's best
+porter every day,--making twenty-one in a week, and nine hundred and
+ninety in the eleven months she has been with us. Then, for baby, there
+is Dr. Bates's bill of forty-five guineas, two guineas for christening,
+twenty for a grand christening supper and ball (rich uncle John mortally
+offended because he was made godfather, and had to give baby a silver
+cup: he has struck Thomas out of his will: and old Mr. Firkin quite as
+much hurt because he was NOT asked: he will not speak to me or Thomas
+in consequence) twenty guineas for flannels, laces, little gowns, caps,
+napkins, and such baby's ware: and all this out of 300L. a year! But
+Thomas expects to make A GREAT DEAL by his farm.
+
+“We have got the most charming country-house YOU CAN IMAGINE: it is
+QUITE SHUT IN by trees, and so retired that, though only thirty miles
+from London, the post comes to us but once a week. The roads, it must be
+confessed, are execrable; it is winter now, and we are up to our knees
+in mud and snow. But oh, Eliza! how happy we are: with Thomas (he has
+had a sad attack of rheumatism, dear man!) and little Bobby, and our
+kind friend Dr. Bates, who comes so far to see us, I leave you to
+fancy that we have a charming merry party, and do not care for all the
+gayeties of Ranelagh.
+
+“Adieu! dear baby is crying for his mamma. A thousand kisses from your
+affectionate
+
+“SUSAN STUBBS.”
+
+
+There it is! Doctor's bills, gentleman-farming, twenty-one pints of
+porter a week. In this way my unnatural parents were already robbing me
+of my property.
+
+
+
+
+FEBRUARY.--CUTTING WEATHER.
+
+I have called this chapter “cutting weather,” partly in compliment to
+the month of February, and partly in respect of my own misfortunes,
+which you are going to read about. For I have often thought that January
+(which is mostly twelfth-cake and holiday time) is like the first four
+or five years of a little boy's life; then comes dismal February, and
+the working-days with it, when chaps begin to look out for themselves,
+after the Christmas and the New Year's heyday and merrymaking are over,
+which our infancy may well be said to be. Well can I recollect that
+bitter first of February, when I first launched out into the world and
+appeared at Doctor Swishtail's academy.
+
+I began at school that life of prudence and economy which I have carried
+on ever since. My mother gave me eighteenpence on setting out (poor
+soul! I thought her heart would break as she kissed me, and bade God
+bless me); and, besides, I had a small capital of my own which I had
+amassed for a year previous. I'll tell you, what I used to do. Wherever
+I saw six halfpence I took one. If it was asked for I said I had taken
+it and gave it back;--if it was not missed, I said nothing about it, as
+why should I?--those who don't miss their money, don't lose their money.
+So I had a little private fortune of three shillings, besides mother's
+eighteenpence. At school they called me the copper-merchant, I had such
+lots of it.
+
+Now, even at a preparatory school, a well-regulated boy may better
+himself: and I can tell you I did. I never was in any quarrels: I never
+was very high in the class or very low: but there was no chap so much
+respected:--and why? I'D ALWAYS MONEY. The other boys spent all
+theirs in the first day or two, and they gave me plenty of cakes and
+barley-sugar then, I can tell you. I'd no need to spend my own money,
+for they would insist upon treating me. Well, in a week, when theirs was
+gone, and they had but their threepence a week to look to for the
+rest of the half-year, what did I do? Why, I am proud to say that
+three-halfpence out of the threepence a week of almost all the young
+gentlemen at Dr. Swishtail's, came into my pocket. Suppose, for
+instance, Tom Hicks wanted a slice of gingerbread, who had the money?
+Little Bob Stubbs, to be sure. “Hicks,” I used to say, “I'LL buy you
+three halfp'orth of gingerbread, if you'll give me threepence next
+Saturday.” And he agreed; and next Saturday came, and he very often
+could not pay me more than three-halfpence. Then there was the
+threepence I was to have THE NEXT Saturday. I'll tell you what I did
+for a whole half-year:--I lent a chap, by the name of Dick Bunting,
+three-halfpence the first Saturday for three-pence the next: he could
+not pay me more than half when Saturday came, and I'm blest if I did
+not make him pay me three-halfpence FOR THREE-AND-TWENTY WEEKS
+RUNNING, making two shillings and tenpence-halfpenny. But he was a sad
+dishonorable fellow, Dick Bunting; for after I'd been so kind to
+him, and let him off for three-and-twenty-weeks the money he owed me,
+holidays came, and threepence he owed me still. Well, according to the
+common principles of practice, after six-weeks' holidays, he ought to
+have paid me exactly sixteen shillings, which was my due. For the
+
+     First week the 3d. would be 6d. | Fourth week .  .  .  .  .  4s.
+     Second week  .  .  .  .  .  1s. | Fifth week  .  .  .  .  .  8s.
+     Third week   .  .  .  .  .  2s. | Sixth week  .  .  .  .  . 16s.
+
+Nothing could be more just; and yet--will it be believed? when Bunting
+came back he offered me THREE-HALFPENCE! the mean, dishonest scoundrel.
+
+However, I was even with him, I can tell you.--He spent all his money in
+a fortnight, and THEN I screwed him down! I made him, besides giving
+me a penny for a penny, pay me a quarter of his bread and butter
+at breakfast and a quarter of his cheese at supper; and before the
+half-year was out, I got from him a silver fruit-knife, a box of
+compasses, and a very pretty silver-laced waistcoat, in which I went
+home as proud as a king: and, what's more, I had no less than three
+golden guineas in the pocket of it, besides fifteen shillings, the
+knife, and a brass bottle-screw, which I got from another chap. It
+wasn't bad interest for twelve shillings--which was all the money I'd
+had in the year--was it? Heigho! I've often wished that I could get such
+a chance again in this wicked world; but men are more avaricious now
+than they used to be in those dear early days.
+
+Well, I went home in my new waistcoat as fine as a peacock; and when I
+gave the bottle-screw to my father, begging him to take it as a token of
+my affection for him, my dear mother burst into such a fit of tears as I
+never saw, and kissed and hugged me fit to smother me. “Bless him, bless
+him,” says she, “to think of his old father. And where did you purchase
+it, Bob?”--“Why, mother,” says I, “I purchased it out of my savings”
+ (which was as true as the gospel).--When I said this, mother looked
+round to father, smiling, although she had tears in her eyes, and she
+took his hand, and with her other hand drew me to her. “Is he not a
+noble boy?” says she to my father: “and only nine years old!”--“Faith,”
+ says my father, “he IS a good lad, Susan. Thank thee, my boy: and here
+is a crown-piece in return for thy bottle-screw--it shall open us a
+bottle of the very best too,” says my father. And he kept his word.
+I always was fond of good wine (though never, from a motive of proper
+self-denial, having any in my cellar); and, by Jupiter! on this night I
+had my little skinful,--for there was no stinting,--so pleased were my
+dear parents with the bottle-screw. The best of it was, it only cost me
+threepence originally, which a chap could not pay me.
+
+Seeing this game was such a good one, I became very generous towards my
+parents; and a capital way it is to encourage liberality in children.
+I gave mamma a very neat brass thimble, and she gave me a half-guinea
+piece. Then I gave her a very pretty needle-book, which I made myself
+with an ace of spades from a new pack of cards we had, and I got Sally,
+our maid, to cover it with a bit of pink satin her mistress had given
+her; and I made the leaves of the book, which I vandyked very nicely,
+out of a piece of flannel I had had round my neck for a sore throat.
+It smelt a little of hartshorn, but it was a beautiful needle-book; and
+mamma was so delighted with it, that she went into town and bought me a
+gold-laced hat. Then I bought papa a pretty china tobacco-stopper: but
+I am sorry to say of my dear father that he was not so generous as my
+mamma or myself, for he only burst out laughing, and did not give me so
+much as a half-crown piece, which was the least I expected from him. “I
+shan't give you anything, Bob, this time,” says he; “and I wish, my boy,
+you would not make any more such presents,--for, really, they are too
+expensive.” Expensive indeed! I hate meanness,--even in a father.
+
+I must tell you about the silver-edged waistcoat which Bunting gave
+me. Mamma asked me about it, and I told her the truth,--that it was a
+present from one of the boys for my kindness to him. Well, what does she
+do but writes back to Dr. Swishtail, when I went to school, thanking him
+for his attention to her dear son, and sending a shilling to the good
+and grateful little boy who had given me the waistcoat!
+
+“What waistcoat is it,” says the Doctor to me, “and who gave it to you?”
+
+“Bunting gave it me, sir,” says I.
+
+“Call Bunting!” and up the little ungrateful chap came. Would you
+believe it, he burst into tears,--told that the waistcoat had been given
+him by his mother, and that he had been forced to give it for a debt to
+Copper-Merchant, as the nasty little blackguard called me? He then
+said how, for three-halfpence, he had been compelled to pay me
+three shillings (the sneak! as if he had been OBLIGED to borrow the
+three-halfpence!)--how all the other boys had been swindled (swindled!)
+by me in like manner,--and how, with only twelve shillings, I had
+managed to scrape together four guineas. . . . .
+
+My courage almost fails me as I describe the shameful scene that
+followed. The boys were called in, my own little account-book was
+dragged out of my cupboard, to prove how much I had received from each,
+and every farthing of my money was paid back to them. The tyrant took
+the thirty shillings that my dear parents had given me, and said he
+should put them into the poor-box at church; and, after having made a
+long discourse to the boys about meanness and usury, he said, “Take off
+your coat, Mr. Stubbs, and restore Bunting his waistcoat.” I did, and
+stood without coat and waistcoat in the midst of the nasty grinning
+boys. I was going to put on my coat,--
+
+“Stop!” says he. “TAKE DOWN HIS BREECHES!”
+
+Ruthless, brutal villain! Sam Hopkins, the biggest boy, took them
+down--horsed me--and I WAS FLOGGED, SIR: yes, flogged! O revenge! I,
+Robert Stubbs, who had done nothing but what was right, was brutally
+flogged at ten years of age!--Though February was the shortest month, I
+remembered it long.
+
+
+
+
+MARCH.--SHOWERY.
+
+When my mamma heard of the treatment of her darling she was for bringing
+an action against the schoolmaster, or else for tearing his eyes out
+(when, dear soul! she would not have torn the eyes out of a flea, had it
+been her own injury), and, at the very least, for having me removed from
+the school where I had been so shamefully treated. But papa was stern
+for once, and vowed that I had been served quite right, declared that
+I should not be removed from school, and sent old Swishtail a brace
+of pheasants for what he called his kindness to me. Of these the old
+gentleman invited me to partake, and made a very queer speech at dinner,
+as he was cutting them up, about the excellence of my parents, and his
+own determination to be KINDER STILL to me, if ever I ventured on such
+practices again. So I was obliged to give up my old trade of lending:
+for the Doctor declared that any boy who borrowed should be flogged, and
+any one who PAID should be flogged twice as much. There was no standing
+against such a prohibition as this, and my little commerce was ruined.
+
+I was not very high in the school: not having been able to get farther
+than that dreadful Propria quae maribus in the Latin grammar, of which,
+though I have it by heart even now, I never could understand a syllable:
+but, on account of my size, my age, and the prayers of my mother, was
+allowed to have the privilege of the bigger boys, and on holidays to
+walk about in the town. Great dandies we were, too, when we thus went
+out. I recollect my costume very well: a thunder-and-lightning coat, a
+white waistcoat embroidered neatly at the pockets, a lace frill, a pair
+of knee-breeches, and elegant white cotton or silk stockings. This did
+very well, but still I was dissatisfied: I wanted A PAIR OF BOOTS. Three
+boys in the school had boots--I was mad to have them too.
+
+But my papa, when I wrote to him, would not hear of it; and three
+pounds, the price of a pair, was too large a sum for my mother to take
+from the housekeeping, or for me to pay, in the present impoverished
+state of my exchequer; but the desire for the boots was so strong, that
+have them I must at any rate.
+
+There was a German bootmaker who had just set up in OUR town in those
+days, who afterwards made his fortune in London. I determined to have
+the boots from him, and did not despair, before the end of a year or
+two, either to leave the school, when I should not mind his dunning me,
+or to screw the money from mamma, and so pay him.
+
+So I called upon this man--Stiffelkind was his name--and he took my
+measure for a pair.
+
+“You are a vary yong gentleman to wear dop-boots,” said the shoemaker.
+
+“I suppose, fellow,” says I, “that is my business and not yours. Either
+make the boots or not--but when you speak to a man of my rank, speak
+respectfully!” And I poured out a number of oaths, in order to impress
+him with a notion of my respectability.
+
+They had the desired effect. “Stay, sir,” says he. “I have a nice littel
+pair of dop-boots dat I tink will jost do for you.” And he produced,
+sure enough, the most elegant things I ever saw. “Day were made,” said
+he, “for de Honorable Mr. Stiffney, of de Gards, but were too small.”
+
+“Ah, indeed!” said I. “Stiffney is a relation of mine. And what, you
+scoundrel, will you have the impudence to ask for these things?” He
+replied, “Three pounds.”
+
+“Well,” said I, “they are confoundedly dear; but, as you will have a
+long time to wait for your money, why, I shall have my revenge you see.”
+ The man looked alarmed, and began a speech: “Sare,--I cannot let dem go
+vidout”--but a bright thought struck me, and I interrupted--“Sir! don't
+sir me. Take off the boots, fellow, and, hark ye, when you speak to a
+nobleman, don't say--Sir.”
+
+“A hundert tousand pardons, my lort,” says he: “if I had known you were
+a lort, I vood never have called you--Sir. Vat name shall I put down in
+my books?”
+
+“Name?--oh! why, Lord Cornwallis, to be sure,” said I, as I walked off
+in the boots.
+
+“And vat shall I do vid my lort's shoes?”
+
+“Keep them until I send for them,” said I. And, giving him a patronizing
+bow, I walked out of the shop, as the German tied up my shoes in paper.
+
+*****
+
+This story I would not have told, but that my whole life turned upon
+these accursed boots. I walked back to school as proud as a peacock, and
+easily succeeded in satisfying the boys as to the manner in which I came
+by my new ornaments.
+
+Well, one fatal Monday morning--the blackest of all black-Mondays that
+ever I knew--as we were all of us playing between school-hours, I saw a
+posse of boys round a stranger, who seemed to be looking out for one of
+us. A sudden trembling seized me--I knew it was Stiffelkind. What had
+brought him here? He talked loud, and seemed angry. So I rushed into
+the school-room, and burying my head between my hands, began reading for
+dear life.
+
+“I vant Lort Cornvallis,” said the horrid bootmaker. “His lortship
+belongs, I know, to dis honorable school, for I saw him vid de boys at
+chorch yesterday.”
+
+“Lord who?”
+
+“Vy, Lort Cornvallis to be sure--a very fat yong nobeman, vid red hair:
+he squints a little, and svears dreadfully.”
+
+“There's no Lord Cornvallis here,” said one; and there was a pause.
+
+“Stop! I have it,” says that odious Bunting. “IT MUST BE STUBBS!” And
+“Stubbs! Stubbs!” every one cried out, while I was so busy at my book as
+not to hear a word.
+
+At last, two of the biggest chaps rushed into the schoolroom, and
+seizing each an arm, run me into the playground--bolt up against the
+shoemaker.
+
+“Dis is my man. I beg your lortship's pardon,” says he, “I have brought
+your lortship's shoes, vich you left. See, dey have been in dis parcel
+ever since you vent avay in my boots.”
+
+“Shoes, fellow!” says I. “I never saw your face before!” For I knew
+there was nothing for it but brazening it out. “Upon the honor of a
+gentleman!” said I, turning round to the boys. They hesitated; and if
+the trick had turned in my favor, fifty of them would have seized hold
+of Stiffelkind and drubbed him soundly.
+
+“Stop!” says Bunting (hang him!) “Let's see the shoes. If they fit him,
+why then the cobbler's right.” They did fit me; and not only that, but
+the name of STUBBS was written in them at full length.
+
+“Vat!” said Stiffelkind. “Is he not a lort? So help me Himmel, I never
+did vonce tink of looking at de shoes, which have been lying ever since
+in dis piece of brown paper.” And then, gathering anger as he went on,
+he thundered out so much of his abuse of me, in his German-English, that
+the boys roared with laughter. Swishtail came in in the midst of the
+disturbance, and asked what the noise meant.
+
+“It's only Lord Cornwallis, sir,” said the boys, “battling with his
+shoemaker about the price of a pair of top-boots.”
+
+“Oh, sir,” said I, “it was only in fun that I called myself Lord
+Cornwallis.”
+
+“In fun!--Where are the boots? And you, sir, give me your bill.” My
+beautiful boots were brought; and Stiffelkind produced his bill. “Lord
+Cornwallis to Samuel Stiffelkind, for a pair of boots--four guineas.”
+
+“You have been fool enough, sir,” says the Doctor, looking very stern,
+“to let this boy impose on you as a lord; and knave enough to charge him
+double the value of the article you sold him. Take back the boots, sir!
+I won't pay a penny of your bill; nor can you get a penny. As for you,
+sir, you miserable swindler and cheat, I shall not flog you as I did
+before, but I shall send you home: you are not fit to be the companion
+of honest boys.”
+
+“SUPPOSE WE DUCK HIM before he goes?” piped out a very small voice. The
+Doctor grinned significantly, and left the school-room; and the boys
+knew by this they might have their will. They seized me and carried me
+to the playground pump: they pumped upon me until I was half dead;
+and the monster, Stiffelkind, stood looking on for the half-hour the
+operation lasted.
+
+I suppose the Doctor, at last, thought I had had pumping enough, for he
+rang the school-bell, and the boys were obliged to leave me. As I got
+out of the trough, Stiffelkind was alone with me. “Vell, my lort,” says
+he, “you have paid SOMETHING for dese boots, but not all. By Jubider,
+YOU SHALL NEVER HEAR DE END OF DEM.” And I didn't.
+
+
+
+
+APRIL.--FOOLING.
+
+After this, as you may fancy, I left this disgusting establishment, and
+lived for some time along with pa and mamma at home. My education was
+finished, at least mamma and I agreed that it was; and from boyhood
+until hobbadyhoyhood (which I take to be about the sixteenth year of
+the life of a young man, and may be likened to the month of April
+when spring begins to bloom)--from fourteen until seventeen, I say, I
+remained at home, doing nothing--for which I have ever since had a
+great taste--the idol of my mamma, who took part in all my quarrels with
+father, and used regularly to rob the weekly expenses in order to find
+me in pocket-money. Poor soul! many and many is the guinea I have had
+from her in that way; and so she enabled me to cut a very pretty figure.
+
+Papa was for having me at this time articled to a merchant, or put
+to some profession; but mamma and I agreed that I was born to be a
+gentleman and not a tradesman, and the army was the only place for me.
+Everybody was a soldier in those times, for the French war had just
+begun, and the whole country was swarming with militia regiments. “We'll
+get him a commission in a marching regiment,” said my father. “As we
+have no money to purchase him up, he'll FIGHT his way, I make no doubt.”
+ And papa looked at me with a kind of air of contempt, as much as to say
+he doubted whether I should be very eager for such a dangerous way of
+bettering myself.
+
+I wish you could have heard mamma's screech when he talked so coolly of
+my going out to fight! “What! send him abroad, across the horrid, horrid
+sea--to be wrecked and perhaps drowned, and only to land for the
+purpose of fighting the wicked Frenchmen,--to be wounded, and perhaps
+kick--kick--killed! Oh, Thomas, Thomas! would you murder me and your
+boy?” There was a regular scene. However, it ended--as it always did--in
+mother's getting the better, and it was settled that I should go into
+the militia. And why not? The uniform is just as handsome, and the
+danger not half so great. I don't think in the course of my whole
+military experience I ever fought anything, except an old woman, who
+had the impudence to hallo out, “Heads up, lobster!”--Well, I joined the
+North Bungays, and was fairly launched into the world.
+
+I was not a handsome man, I know; but there was SOMETHING about
+me--that's very evident--for the girls always laughed when they talked
+to me, and the men, though they affected to call me a poor little
+creature, squint-eyes, knock-knees, redhead, and so on, were evidently
+annoyed by my success, for they hated me so confoundedly. Even at the
+present time they go on, though I have given up gallivanting, as I call
+it. But in the April of my existence,--that is, in anno Domini 1791, or
+so--it was a different case; and having nothing else to do, and being
+bent upon bettering my condition, I did some very pretty things in that
+way. But I was not hot-headed and imprudent, like most young fellows.
+Don't fancy I looked for beauty! Pish!--I wasn't such a fool. Nor for
+temper; I don't care about a bad temper: I could break any woman's heart
+in two years. What I wanted was to get on in the world. Of course I
+didn't PREFER an ugly woman, or a shrew; and when the choice offered,
+would certainly put up with a handsome, good-humored girl, with plenty
+of money, as any honest man would.
+
+Now there were two tolerably rich girls in our parts: Miss Magdalen
+Crutty, with twelve thousand pounds (and, to do her justice, as plain a
+girl as ever I saw), and Miss Mary Waters, a fine, tall, plump, smiling,
+peach-cheeked, golden-haired, white-skinned lass, with only ten. Mary
+Waters lived with her uncle, the Doctor, who had helped me into the
+world, and who was trusted with this little orphan charge very soon
+after. My mother, as you have heard, was so fond of Bates, and Bates
+so fond of little Mary, that both, at first, were almost always in our
+house; and I used to call her my little wife as soon as I could speak,
+and before she could walk almost. It was beautiful to see us, the
+neighbors said.
+
+Well, when her brother, the lieutenant of an India ship, came to be
+captain, and actually gave Mary five thousand pounds, when she was about
+ten years old, and promised her five thousand more, there was a great
+talking, and bobbing, and smiling between the Doctor and my parents, and
+Mary and I were left together more than ever, and she was told to call
+me her little husband. And she did; and it was considered a settled
+thing from that day. She was really amazingly fond of me.
+
+Can any one call me mercenary after that? Though Miss Crutty had twelve
+thousand, and Mary only ten (five in hand, and five in the bush), I
+stuck faithfully to Mary. As a matter of course, Miss Crutty hated Miss
+Waters. The fact was, Mary had all the country dangling after her, and
+not a soul would come to Magdalen, for all her 12,000L. I used to be
+attentive to her though (as it's always useful to be); and Mary would
+sometimes laugh and sometimes cry at my flirting with Magdalen. This I
+thought proper very quickly to check. “Mary,” said I, “you know that my
+love for you is disinterested,--for I am faithful to you, though Miss
+Crutty is richer than you. Don't fly into a rage, then, because I pay
+her attentions, when you know that my heart and my promise are engaged
+to you.”
+
+The fact is, to tell a little bit of a secret, there is nothing like the
+having two strings to your bow. “Who knows?” thought I. “Mary may die;
+and then where are my 10,000L.?” So I used to be very kind indeed to
+Miss Crutty; and well it was that I was so: for when I was twenty and
+Mary eighteen, I'm blest if news did not arrive that Captain Waters,
+who was coming home to England with all his money in rupees, had been
+taken--ship, rupees, self and all--by a French privateer; and Mary,
+instead of 10,000L. had only 5,000L., making a difference of no less
+than 350L. per annum betwixt her and Miss Crutty.
+
+I had just joined my regiment (the famous North Bungay Fencibles,
+Colonel Craw commanding) when this news reached me; and you may fancy
+how a young man, in an expensive regiment and mess, having uniforms and
+what not to pay for, and a figure to cut in the world, felt at hearing
+such news! “My dearest Robert,” wrote Miss Waters, “will deplore my
+dear brother's loss: but not, I am sure, the money which that kind and
+generous soul had promised me. I have still five thousand pounds, and
+with this and your own little fortune (I had 1,000L. in the Five per
+Cents!) we shall be as happy and contented as possible.”
+
+Happy and contented indeed! Didn't I know how my father got on with his
+300L. a year, and how it was all he could do out of it to add a hundred
+a year to my narrow income, and live himself! My mind was made up. I
+instantly mounted the coach and flew to our village,--to Mr. Crutty's,
+of course. It was next door to Doctor Bates's; but I had no business
+THERE.
+
+I found Magdalen in the garden. “Heavens, Mr. Stubbs!” said she, as
+in my new uniform I appeared before her, “I really did never--such
+a handsome officer--expect to see you.” And she made as if she would
+blush, and began to tremble violently. I led her to a garden-seat. I
+seized her hand--it was not withdrawn. I pressed it;--I thought the
+pressure was returned. I flung myself on my knees, and then I poured
+into her ear a little speech which I had made on the top of the coach.
+“Divine Miss Crutty,” said I; “idol of my soul! It was but to catch one
+glimpse of you that I passed through this garden. I never intended to
+breathe the secret passion” (oh, no; of course not) “which was wearing
+my life away. You know my unfortunate pre-engagement--it is broken,
+and FOR EVER! I am free;--free, but to be your slave,--your humblest,
+fondest, truest slave!” And so on. . . . .
+
+“Oh, Mr. Stubbs,” said she, as I imprinted a kiss upon her cheek, “I
+can't refuse you; but I fear you are a sad naughty man. . . . .”
+
+Absorbed in the delicious reverie which was caused by the dear
+creature's confusion, we were both silent for a while, and should have
+remained so for hours perhaps, so lost were we in happiness, had I not
+been suddenly roused by a voice exclaiming from behind us--
+
+“DON'T CRY, MARY! HE IS A SWINDLING, SNEAKING SCOUNDREL, AND YOU ARE
+WELL RID OF HIM!”
+
+I turned round. O heaven, there stood Mary, weeping on Doctor Bates's
+arm, while that miserable apothecary was looking at me with the utmost
+scorn. The gardener, who had let me in, had told them of my arrival,
+and now stood grinning behind them. “Imperence!” was my Magdalen's only
+exclamation, as she flounced by with the utmost self-possession, while
+I, glancing daggers at the SPIES, followed her. We retired to the
+parlor, where she repeated to me the strongest assurances of her love.
+
+I thought I was a made man. Alas! I was only an APRIL FOOL!
+
+
+
+
+MAY.--RESTORATION DAY.
+
+As the month of May is considered, by poets and other philosophers, to
+be devoted by Nature to the great purpose of love-making, I may as well
+take advantage of that season and acquaint you with the result of MY
+amours.
+
+Young, gay, fascinating, and an ensign--I had completely won the heart
+of my Magdalen; and as for Miss Waters and her nasty uncle the
+Doctor, there was a complete split between us, as you may fancy; Miss
+pretending, forsooth, that she was glad I had broken off the match,
+though she would have given her eyes, the little minx, to have had it on
+again. But this was out of the question. My father, who had all sorts of
+queer notions, said I had acted like a rascal in the business; my mother
+took my part, in course, and declared I acted rightly, as I always
+did: and I got leave of absence from the regiment in order to press
+my beloved Magdalen to marry me out of hand--knowing, from reading and
+experience, the extraordinary mutability of human affairs.
+
+Besides, as the dear girl was seventeen years older than myself, and as
+bad in health as she was in temper, how was I to know that the grim
+king of terrors might not carry her off before she became mine? With the
+tenderest warmth, then, and most delicate ardor, I continued to press my
+suit. The happy day was fixed--the ever memorable 10th of May, 1792.
+The wedding-clothes were ordered; and, to make things secure, I penned a
+little paragraph for the county paper to this effect:--“Marriage in High
+Life. We understand that Ensign Stubbs, of the North Bungay Fencibles,
+and son of Thomas Stubbs, of Sloffemsquiggle, Esquire, is about to lead
+to the hymeneal altar the lovely and accomplished daughter of Solomon
+Crutty, Esquire, of the same place. A fortune of twenty thousand pounds
+is, we hear, the lady's portion. 'None but the brave deserve the fair.'”
+
+*****
+
+“Have you informed your relatives, my beloved?” said I to Magdalen, one
+day after sending the above notice; “will any of them attend at your
+marriage?”
+
+“Uncle Sam will, I dare say,” said Miss Crutty, “dear mamma's brother.”
+
+“And who WAS your dear mamma?” said I: for Miss Crutty's respected
+parent had been long since dead, and I never heard her name mentioned in
+the family.
+
+Magdalen blushed, and cast down her eyes to the ground. “Mamma was a
+foreigner,” at last she said.
+
+“And of what country?”
+
+“A German. Papa married her when she was very young:--she was not of a
+very good family,” said Miss Crutty, hesitating.
+
+“And what care I for family, my love!” said I, tenderly kissing the
+knuckles of the hand which I held. “She must have been an angel who gave
+birth to you.”
+
+“She was a shoemaker's daughter.”
+
+“A GERMAN SHOEMAKER! Hang 'em,” thought I, “I have had enough of them;”
+ and so broke up this conversation, which did not somehow please me.
+
+*****
+
+Well, the day was drawing near: the clothes were ordered; the banns were
+read. My dear mamma had built a cake about the size of a washing-tub;
+and I was only waiting for a week to pass to put me in possession of
+twelve thousand pounds in the FIVE per Cents, as they were in those
+days, heaven bless 'em! Little did I know the storm that was brewing,
+and the disappointment which was to fall upon a young man who really did
+his best to get a fortune.
+
+*****
+
+“Oh, Robert,” said my Magdalen to me, two days before the match was to
+come off, “I have SUCH a kind letter from uncle Sam in London. I wrote
+to him as you wished. He says that he is coming down to-morrow, that he
+has heard of you often, and knows your character very well; and that he
+has got a VERY HANDSOME PRESENT for us! What can it be, I wonder?”
+
+“Is he rich, my soul's adored?” says I.
+
+“He is a bachelor, with a fine trade, and nobody to leave his money to.”
+
+“His present can't be less than a thousand pounds?” says I.
+
+“Or, perhaps, a silver tea-set, and some corner-dishes,” says she.
+
+But we could not agree to this: it was too little--too mean for a man
+of her uncle's wealth; and we both determined it must be the thousand
+pounds.
+
+“Dear good uncle! he's to be here by the coach,” says Magdalen. “Let
+us ask a little party to meet him.” And so we did, and so they came: my
+father and mother, old Crutty in his best wig, and the parson who was
+to marry us the next day. The coach was to come in at six. And there
+was the tea-table, and there was the punch-bowl, and everybody ready and
+smiling to receive our dear uncle from London.
+
+Six o'clock came, and the coach, and the man from the “Green Dragon”
+ with a portmanteau, and a fat old gentleman walking behind, of whom I
+just caught a glimpse--a venerable old gentleman: I thought I'd seen him
+before.
+
+*****
+
+Then there was a ring at the bell; then a scuffling and bumping in the
+passage: then old Crutty rushed out, and a great laughing and talking,
+and “HOW ARE YOU?” and so on, was heard at the door; and then the
+parlor-door was flung open, and Crutty cried out with a loud voice--
+
+“Good people all! my brother-in-law, Mr. STIFFELKIND!”
+
+MR. STIFFELKIND!--I trembled as I heard the name!
+
+Miss Crutty kissed him; mamma made him a curtsy, and papa made him a
+bow; and Dr. Snorter, the parson, seized his hand and shook it most
+warmly: then came my turn!
+
+“Vat!” says he. “It is my dear goot yong frend from Doctor
+Schvis'hentail's! is dis de yong gentleman's honorable moder” (mamma
+smiled and made a curtsy), “and dis his fader? Sare and madam, you
+should be broud of soch a sonn. And you my niece, if you have him for a
+husband you vill be locky, dat is all. Vat dink you, broder Croty, and
+Madame Stobbs, I 'ave made your sonn's boots! Ha--ha!”
+
+My mamma laughed, and said, “I did not know it, but I am sure, sir, he
+has as pretty a leg for a boot as any in the whole county.”
+
+Old Stiffelkind roared louder. “A very nice leg, ma'am, and a very SHEAP
+BOOT TOO. Vat! did you not know I make his boots? Perhaps you did not
+know something else too--p'raps you did not know” (and here the monster
+clapped his hand on the table and made the punch-ladle tremble in
+the bowl)--“p'raps you did not know as dat yong man, dat Stobbs, dat
+sneaking, baltry, squinting fellow, is as vicked as he is ogly. He bot
+a pair of boots from me and never paid for dem. Dat is noting, nobody
+never pays; but he bought a pair of boots, and called himself Lord
+Cornvallis. And I was fool enough to believe him vonce. But look you,
+niece Magdalen, I 'ave got five tousand pounds: if you marry him I vill
+not give you a benny. But look you what I will gif you: I bromised you a
+bresent, and I will give you DESE!”
+
+And the old monster produced THOSE VERY BOOTS which Swishtail had made
+him take back.
+
+*****
+
+I DIDN'T marry Miss Crutty: I am not sorry for it though. She was a
+nasty, ugly, ill-tempered wretch, and I've always said so ever since.
+
+And all this arose from those infernal boots, and that unlucky paragraph
+in the county paper--I'll tell you how.
+
+In the first place, it was taken up as a quiz by one of the wicked,
+profligate, unprincipled organs of the London press, who chose to be
+very facetious about the “Marriage in High Life,” and made all sorts of
+jokes about me and my dear Miss Crutty.
+
+Secondly, it was read in this London paper by my mortal enemy, Bunting,
+who had been introduced to old Stiffelkind's acquaintance by my
+adventure with him, and had his shoes made regularly by that foreign
+upstart.
+
+Thirdly, he happened to want a pair of shoes mended at this particular
+period, and as he was measured by the disgusting old High-Dutch cobbler,
+he told him his old friend Stubbs was going to be married.
+
+“And to whom?” said old Stiffelkind. “To a voman wit geld, I vill take
+my oath.”
+
+“Yes,” says Bunting, “a country girl--a Miss Magdalen Carotty or Crotty,
+at a place called Sloffemsquiggle.”
+
+“SHLOFFEMSCHWIEGEL!” bursts out the dreadful bootmaker. “Mein Gott, mein
+Gott! das geht nicht! I tell you, sare, it is no go. Miss Crotty is
+my niece. I vill go down myself. I vill never let her marry dat
+goot-for-nothing schwindler and tief.” SUCH was the language that the
+scoundrel ventured to use regarding me!
+
+
+
+
+JUNE.--MARROWBONES AND CLEAVERS.
+
+Was there ever such confounded ill-luck? My whole life has been a tissue
+of ill-luck: although I have labored perhaps harder than any man to make
+a fortune, something always tumbled it down. In love and in war I was
+not like others. In my marriages, I had an eye to the main chance; and
+you see how some unlucky blow would come and throw them over. In the
+army I was just as prudent, and just as unfortunate. What with judicious
+betting, and horse-swapping, good-luck at billiards, and economy, I do
+believe I put by my pay every year,--and that is what few can say who
+have but an allowance of a hundred a year.
+
+I'll tell you how it was. I used to be very kind to the young men; I
+chose their horses for them, and their wine: and showed them how to play
+billiards, or ecarte, of long mornings, when there was nothing better
+to do. I didn't cheat: I'd rather die than cheat;--but if fellows WILL
+play, I wasn't the man to say no--why should I? There was one young chap
+in our regiment of whom I really think I cleared 300L. a year.
+
+His name was Dobble. He was a tailor's son, and wanted to be a
+gentleman. A poor weak young creature; easy to be made tipsy; easy to
+be cheated; and easy to be frightened. It was a blessing for him that I
+found him; for if anybody else had, they would have plucked him of every
+shilling.
+
+Ensign Dobble and I were sworn friends. I rode his horses for him, and
+chose his champagne, and did everything, in fact, that a superior mind
+does for an inferior,--when the inferior has got the money. We were
+inseparables,--hunting everywhere in couples. We even managed to fall in
+love with two sisters, as young soldiers will do, you know; for the dogs
+fall in love, with every change of quarters.
+
+Well, once, in the year 1793 (it was just when the French had chopped
+poor Louis's head off), Dobble and I, gay young chaps as ever wore sword
+by side, had cast our eyes upon two young ladies by the name of Brisket,
+daughters of a butcher in the town where we were quartered. The dear
+girls fell in love with us, of course. And many a pleasant walk in the
+country, many a treat to a tea-garden, many a smart ribbon and brooch
+used Dobble and I (for his father allowed him 600L., and our purses were
+in common) present to these young ladies. One day, fancy our pleasure at
+receiving a note couched thus:--
+
+
+“DEER CAPTING STUBBS AND DOBBLE--Miss Briskets presents their
+compliments, and as it is probble that our papa will be till twelve
+at the corprayshun dinner, we request the pleasure of their company to
+tea.”
+
+
+Didn't we go! Punctually at six we were in the little back-parlor; we
+quaffed more Bohea, and made more love, than half a dozen ordinary men
+could. At nine, a little punch-bowl succeeded to the little teapot; and,
+bless the girls! a nice fresh steak was frizzling on the gridiron for
+our supper. Butchers were butchers then, and their parlor was their
+kitchen too; at least old Brisket's was--one door leading into the
+shop, and one into the yard, on the other side of which was the
+slaughter-house.
+
+Fancy, then, our horror when, just at this critical time, we heard the
+shop-door open, a heavy staggering step on the flags, and a loud husky
+voice from the shop, shouting, “Hallo, Susan; hallo, Betsy! show a
+light!” Dobble turned as white as a sheet; the two girls each as red as
+a lobster; I alone preserved my presence of mind. “The back-door,” says
+I--“The dog's in the court,” say they. “He's not so bad as the man,”
+ said I. “Stop!” cries Susan, flinging open the door, and rushing to the
+fire. “Take THIS and perhaps it will quiet him.”
+
+What do you think “THIS” was? I'm blest if it was not the STEAK!
+
+She pushed us out, patted and hushed the dog, and was in again in a
+minute. The moon was shining on the court, and on the slaughter-house,
+where there hung the white ghastly-looking carcasses of a couple of
+sheep; a great gutter ran down the court--a gutter of BLOOD! The dog
+was devouring his beefsteak (OUR beefsteak) in silence; and we could
+see through the little window the girls hustling about to pack up the
+supper-things, and presently the shop-door being opened, old Brisket
+entering, staggering, angry, and drunk. What's more, we could see,
+perched on a high stool, and nodding politely, as if to salute old
+Brisket, the FEATHER OF DOBBLE'S COCKED HAT! When Dobble saw it, he
+turned white, and deadly sick; and the poor fellow, in an agony of
+fright, sunk shivering down upon one of the butcher's cutting-blocks,
+which was in the yard.
+
+We saw old Brisket look steadily (as steadily as he could) at the
+confounded, impudent, pert, waggling feather; and then an idea began to
+dawn upon his mind, that there was a head to the hat; and then he slowly
+rose up--he was a man of six feet, and fifteen stone--he rose up, put on
+his apron and sleeves, and TOOK DOWN HIS CLEAVER.
+
+“Betsy,” says he, “open the yard door.” But the poor girls screamed, and
+flung on their knees, and begged, and wept, and did their very best
+to prevent him. “OPEN THE YARD DOOR!” says he, with a thundering loud
+voice; and the great bull-dog, hearing it, started up and uttered a yell
+which sent me flying to the other end of the court.--Dobble couldn't
+move; he was sitting on the block, blubbering like a baby.
+
+The door opened, and out Mr. Brisket came.
+
+“TO HIM, JOWLER!” says he. “KEEP HIM, JOWLER!”--and the horrid dog flew
+at me, and I flew back into the corner, and drew my sword, determining
+to sell my life dearly.
+
+“That's it,” says Brisket. “Keep him there,--good dog,--good dog! And
+now, sir,” says he, turning round to Dobble, “is this your hat?”
+
+“Yes,” says Dobble, fit to choke with fright.
+
+“Well, then,” says Brisket, “it's my--(hic)--my painful duty
+to--(hic)--to tell you, that as I've got your hat, I must have your
+head;--it's painful, but it must be done. You'd better--(hic)--settle
+yourself com--comfumarably against that--(hic)--that block, and I'll
+chop it off before you can say Jack--(hic)--no, I mean Jack Robinson.”
+
+Dobble went down on his knees and shrieked out, “I'm an only son, Mr.
+Brisket! I'll marry her, sir; I will, upon my honor, sir.--Consider my
+mother, sir; consider my mother.”
+
+“That's it, sir,” says Brisket, “that's a good--(hic)--a good boy;--just
+put your head down quietly--and I'll have it off--yes, off--as if you
+were Louis the Six--the Sixtix--the Siktickleteenth.--I'll chop the
+other CHAP AFTERWARDS.”
+
+When I heard this, I made a sudden bound back, and gave such a cry as
+any man might who was in such a way. The ferocious Jowler, thinking I
+was going to escape, flew at my throat; screaming furious, I flung out
+my arms in a kind of desperation,--and, to my wonder, down fell the dog,
+dead, and run through the body!
+
+*****
+
+At this moment a posse of people rushed in upon old Brisket,--one of
+his daughters had had the sense to summon them,--and Dobble's head was
+saved. And when they saw the dog lying dead at my feet, my ghastly
+look, my bloody sword, they gave me no small credit for my bravery. “A
+terrible fellow that Stubbs,” said they; and so the mess said, the next
+day.
+
+I didn't tell them that the dog had committed SUICIDE--why should I?
+And I didn't say a word about Dobble's cowardice. I said he was a brave
+fellow, and fought like a tiger; and this prevented HIM from telling
+tales. I had the dogskin made into a pair of pistol-holsters, and looked
+so fierce, and got such a name for courage in our regiment, that when we
+had to meet the regulars, Bob Stubbs was always the man put forward to
+support the honor of the corps. The women, you know, adore courage; and
+such was my reputation at this time, that I might have had my pick out
+of half a dozen, with three, four, or five thousand pounds apiece, who
+were dying for love of me and my red coat. But I wasn't such a fool. I
+had been twice on the point of marriage, and twice disappointed; and
+I vowed by all the Saints to have a wife, and a rich one. Depend upon
+this, as an infallible maxim to guide you through life: IT'S AS EASY TO
+GET A RICH WIFE AS A POOR ONE;--the same bait that will hook a fly will
+hook a salmon.
+
+
+
+
+JULY.--SUMMARY PROCEEDINGS.
+
+Dobble's reputation for courage was not increased by the butcher's-dog
+adventure; but mine stood very high: little Stubbs was voted the boldest
+chap of all the bold North Bungays. And though I must confess, what was
+proved by subsequent circumstances, that nature has NOT endowed me with
+a large, or even, I may say, an average share of bravery, yet a man is
+very willing to flatter himself to the contrary; and, after a little
+time, I got to believe that my killing the dog was an action of
+undaunted courage, and that I was as gallant as any of the one hundred
+thousand heroes of our army. I always had a military taste--it's only
+the brutal part of the profession, the horrid fighting and blood, that I
+don't like.
+
+I suppose the regiment was not very brave itself--being only militia;
+but certain it was, that Stubbs was considered a most terrible fellow,
+and I swore so much, and looked so fierce, that you would have fancied
+I had made half a hundred campaigns. I was second in several duels; the
+umpire in all disputes; and such a crack-shot myself, that fellows were
+shy of insulting me. As for Dobble, I took him under my protection; and
+he became so attached to me, that we ate, drank, and rode together every
+day; his father didn't care for money, so long as his son was in good
+company--and what so good as that of the celebrated Stubbs? Heigho! I
+WAS good company in those days, and a brave fellow too, as I should have
+remained, but for--what I shall tell the public immediately.
+
+It happened, in the fatal year ninety-six, that the brave North Bungays
+were quartered at Portsmouth, a maritime place, which I need not
+describe, and which I wish I had never seen. I might have been a General
+now, or, at least, a rich man.
+
+The red-coats carried everything before them in those days; and I, such
+a crack character as I was in my regiment, was very well received by
+the townspeople: many dinners I had; many tea-parties; many lovely young
+ladies did I lead down the pleasant country-dances.
+
+Well, although I had had the two former rebuffs in love which I have
+described, my heart was still young; and the fact was, knowing that a
+girl with a fortune was my only chance, I made love here as furiously as
+ever. I shan't describe the lovely creatures on whom I fixed, whilst at
+Portsmouth. I tried more than--several--and it is a singular fact, which
+I never have been able to account for, that, successful as I was with
+ladies of maturer age, by the young ones I was refused regular.
+
+But “faint heart never won fair lady;” and so I went on, and on, until
+I had got a Miss Clopper, a tolerable rich navy-contractor's daughter,
+into such a way, that I really don't think she could have refused me.
+Her brother, Captain Clopper, was in a line regiment, and helped me as
+much as ever he could: he swore I was such a brave fellow.
+
+As I had received a number of attentions from Clopper, I determined
+to invite him to dinner; which I could do without any sacrifice of my
+principle upon this point: for the fact is, Dobble lived at an inn, and
+as he sent all his bills to his father, I made no scruple to use his
+table. We dined in the coffee-room, Dobble bringing HIS friend; and
+so we made a party CARRY, as the French say. Some naval officers were
+occupied in a similar way at a table next to ours.
+
+Well--I didn't spare the bottle, either for myself or for my friends;
+and we grew very talkative, and very affectionate as the drinking went
+on. Each man told stories of his gallantry in the field, or amongst the
+ladies, as officers will, after dinner. Clopper confided to the company
+his wish that I should marry his sister, and vowed that he thought me
+the best fellow in Christendom.
+
+Ensign Dobble assented to this. “But let Miss Clopper beware,” says he,
+“for Stubbs is a sad fellow: he has had I don't know how many liaisons
+already; and he has been engaged to I don't know how many women.”
+
+“Indeed!” says Clopper. “Come, Stubbs, tell us your adventures.”
+
+“Psha!” said I, modestly, “there is nothing, indeed, to tell. I have
+been in love, my dear boy--who has not?--and I have been jilted--who has
+not?”
+
+Clopper swore he would blow his sister's brains out if ever SHE served
+me so.
+
+“Tell him about Miss Crutty,” said Dobble. “He! he! Stubbs served THAT
+woman out, anyhow; she didn't jilt HIM. I'll be sworn.”
+
+“Really, Dobble, you are too bad, and should not mention names. The
+fact is, the girl was desperately in love with me, and had money--sixty
+thousand pounds, upon my reputation. Well, everything was arranged, when
+who should come down from London but a relation.”
+
+“Well, and did he prevent the match?”
+
+“Prevent it--yes, sir, I believe you he did; though not in the sense
+that YOU mean. He would have given his eyes--ay, and ten thousand pounds
+more--if I would have accepted the girl, but I would not.”
+
+“Why, in the name of goodness?”
+
+“Sir, her uncle was a SHOEMAKER. I never would debase myself by marrying
+into such a family.”
+
+“Of course not,” said Dobble; “he couldn't, you know. Well, now--tell
+him about the other girl, Mary Waters, you know.”
+
+“Hush, Dobble, hush! don't you see one of those naval officers has
+turned round and heard you? My dear Clopper, it was a mere childish
+bagatelle.”
+
+“Well, but let's have it,” said Clopper--“let's have it. I won't tell my
+sister, you know.” And he put his hand to his nose and looked monstrous
+wise.
+
+“Nothing of that sort, Clopper--no, no--'pon honor--little Bob Stubbs is
+no LIBERTINE; and the story is very simple. You see that my father has a
+small place, merely a few hundred acres, at Sloffemsquiggle. Isn't it
+a funny name? Hang it, there's the naval gentleman staring again,”--(I
+looked terribly fierce as I returned this officer's stare, and continued
+in a loud careless voice). Well, at this Sloffemsquiggle there lived
+a girl, a Miss Waters, the niece of some blackguard apothecary in the
+neighborhood; but my mother took a fancy to the girl, and had her up to
+the park and petted her. We were both young--and--and--the girl fell in
+love with me, that's the fact. I was obliged to repel some rather warm
+advances that she made me; and here, upon my honor as a gentleman, you
+have all the story about which that silly Dobble makes such a noise.
+
+Just as I finished this sentence. I found myself suddenly taken by the
+nose, and a voice shouting out,--
+
+“Mr. Stubbs, you are A LIAR AND A SCOUNDREL! Take this, sir,--and this,
+for daring to meddle with the name of an innocent lady.”
+
+I turned round as well as I could--for the ruffian had pulled me out
+of my chair--and beheld a great marine monster, six feet high, who was
+occupied in beating and kicking me, in the most ungentlemanly manner,
+on my cheeks, my ribs, and between the tails of my coat. “He is a liar,
+gentlemen, and a scoundrel! The bootmaker had detected him in swindling,
+and so his niece refused him. Miss Waters was engaged to him from
+childhood, and he deserted her for the bootmaker's niece, who was
+richer.”--And then sticking a card between my stock and my coat-collar,
+in what is called the scruff of my neck, the disgusting brute gave me
+another blow behind my back, and left the coffee-room with his friends.
+
+Dobble raised me up; and taking the card from my neck, read, CAPTAIN
+WATERS. Clopper poured me out a glass of water, and said in my ear, “If
+this is true, you are an infernal scoundrel, Stubbs; and must fight me,
+after Captain Waters;” and he flounced out of the room.
+
+I had but one course to pursue. I sent the Captain a short and
+contemptuous note, saying that he was beneath my anger. As for Clopper,
+I did not condescend to notice his remark but in order to get rid of the
+troublesome society of these low blackguards, I determined to gratify
+an inclination I had long entertained, and make a little tour. I applied
+for leave of absence, and set off THAT VERY NIGHT. I can fancy the
+disappointment of the brutal Waters, on coming, as he did, the next
+morning to my quarters and finding me GONE. Ha! ha!
+
+After this adventure I became sick of a military life--at least the life
+of my own regiment, where the officers, such was their unaccountable
+meanness and prejudice against me, absolutely refused to see me at mess.
+Colonel Craw sent me a letter to this effect, which I treated as it
+deserved.--I never once alluded to it in any way, and have since never
+spoken a single word to any man in the North Bungays.
+
+
+
+
+AUGUST.--DOGS HAVE THEIR DAYS.
+
+See, now, what life is! I have had ill-luck on ill-luck from that day
+to this. I have sunk in the world, and, instead of riding my horse and
+drinking my wine, as a real gentleman should, have hardly enough now to
+buy a pint of ale; ay, and am very glad when anybody will treat me to
+one. Why, why was I born to undergo such unmerited misfortunes?
+
+You must know that very soon after my adventure with Miss Crutty, and
+that cowardly ruffian, Captain Waters (he sailed the day after his
+insult to me, or I should most certainly have blown his brains out; NOW
+he is living in England, and is my relation; but, of course, I cut the
+fellow)--very soon after these painful events another happened, which
+ended, too, in a sad disappointment. My dear papa died, and, instead of
+leaving five thousand pounds, as I expected at the very least, left only
+his estate, which was worth but two. The land and house were left to
+me; to mamma and my sisters he left, to be sure, a sum of two thousand
+pounds in the hands of that eminent firm Messrs. Pump, Aldgate and Co.,
+which failed within six months after his demise, and paid in five years
+about one shilling and ninepence in the pound; which really was all my
+dear mother and sisters had to live upon.
+
+The poor creatures were quite unused to money matters; and, would you
+believe it? when the news came of Pump and Aldgate's failure, mamma only
+smiled, and threw her eyes up to heaven, and said, “Blessed be God, that
+we have still wherewithal to live. There are tens of thousands in this
+world, dear children, who would count our poverty riches.” And with this
+she kissed my two sisters, who began to blubber, as girls always will
+do, and threw their arms round her neck, and then round my neck, until I
+was half stifled with their embraces, and slobbered all over with their
+tears.
+
+“Dearest mamma,” said I, “I am very glad to see the noble manner in
+which you bear your loss; and more still to know that you are so rich
+as to be able to put up with it.” The fact was, I really thought the
+old lady had got a private hoard of her own, as many of them have--a
+thousand pounds or so in a stocking. Had she put by thirty pounds a
+year, as well she might, for the thirty years of her marriage, there
+would have been nine hundred pounds clear, and no mistake. But still
+I was angry to think that any such paltry concealment had been
+practised--concealment too of MY money; so I turned on her pretty
+sharply, and continued my speech. “You say, Ma'am, that you are rich,
+and that Pump and Aldgate's failure has no effect upon you. I am very
+happy to hear you say so, Ma'am--very happy that you ARE rich; and I
+should like to know where your property, my father's property, for
+you had none of your own,--I should like to know where this money
+lies--WHERE YOU HAVE CONCEALED IT, Ma'am; and, permit me to say, that
+when I agreed to board you and my two sisters for eighty pounds a year,
+I did not know that you had OTHER resources than those mentioned in my
+blessed father's will.”
+
+This I said to her because I hated the meanness of concealment, not
+because I lost by the bargain of boarding them: for the three poor
+things did not eat much more than sparrows: and I've often since
+calculated that I had a clear twenty pounds a year profit out of them.
+
+Mamma and the girls looked quite astonished when I made the speech.
+“What does he mean?” said Lucy to Eliza.
+
+Mamma repeated the question. “My beloved Robert, what concealment are
+you talking of?”
+
+“I am talking of concealed property, Ma'am,” says I sternly.
+
+“And do you--what--can you--do you really suppose that I have
+concealed--any of that blessed sa-a-a-aint's prop-op-op-operty?” screams
+out mamma. “Robert,” says she--“Bob, my own darling boy--my fondest,
+best beloved, now HE is gone” (meaning my late governor--more
+tears)--“you don't, you cannot fancy that your own mother, who bore you,
+and nursed you, and wept for you, and would give her all to save you
+from a moment's harm--you don't suppose that she would che-e-e-eat you!”
+ And here she gave a louder screech than ever, and flung back on the
+sofa; and one of my sisters went and tumbled into her arms, and t'other
+went round, and the kissing and slobbering scene went on again, only I
+was left out, thank goodness. I hate such sentimentality.
+
+“CHE-E-E-EAT ME,” says I, mocking her. “What do you mean, then, by
+saying you're so rich? Say, have you got money, or have you not?” (And I
+rapped out a good number of oaths, too, which I don't put in here; but I
+was in a dreadful fury, that's the fact.)
+
+“So help me heaven,” says mamma, in answer, going down on her knees and
+smacking her two hands, “I have but a Queen Anne's guinea in the whole
+of this wicked world.”
+
+“Then what, Madam, induces you to tell these absurd stories to me, and
+to talk about your riches, when you know that you and your daughters are
+beggars, Ma'am--BEGGARS?”
+
+“My dearest boy, have we not got the house, and the furniture, and a
+hundred a year still; and have you not great talents, which will make
+all our fortunes?” says Mrs. Stubbs, getting up off her knees, and
+making believe to smile as she clawed hold of my hand and kissed it.
+
+This was TOO cool. “YOU have got a hundred a year, Ma'am,” says I--“YOU
+have got a house? Upon my soul and honor this is the first I ever heard
+of it; and I'll tell you what, Ma'am,” says I (and it cut her PRETTY
+SHARPLY too): “as you've got it, YOU'D BETTER GO AND LIVE IN IT. I've
+got quite enough to do with my own house, and every penny of my own
+income.”
+
+Upon this speech the old lady said nothing, but she gave a screech loud
+enough to be heard from here to York, and down she fell--kicking and
+struggling in a regular fit.
+
+*****
+
+I did not see Mrs. Stubbs for some days after this, and the girls used
+to come down to meals, and never speak; going up again and stopping with
+their mother. At last, one day, both of them came in very solemn to
+my study, and Eliza, the eldest, said, “Robert, mamma has paid you our
+board up to Michaelmas.”
+
+“She has,” says I; for I always took precious good care to have it in
+advance.
+
+“She says, Robert, That on Michaelmas day--we'll--we'll go away,
+Robert.”
+
+“Oh, she's going to her own house, is she, Lizzy? Very good. She'll want
+the furniture, I suppose, and that she may have too, for I'm going to
+sell the place myself.” And so THAT matter was settled.
+
+*****
+
+On Michaelmas day--and during these two months I hadn't, I do believe,
+seen my mother twice (once, about two o'clock in the morning, I woke and
+found her sobbing over my bed)--on Michaelmas-day morning, Eliza
+comes to me and says, “ROBERT, THEY WILL COME AND FETCH US AT SIX THIS
+EVENING.” Well, as this was the last day, I went and got the best goose
+I could find (I don't think I ever saw a primer, or ate more hearty
+myself), and had it roasted at three, with a good pudding afterwards;
+and a glorious bowl of punch. “Here's a health to you, dear girls,” says
+I, “and you, Ma, and good luck to all three; and as you've not eaten a
+morsel, I hope you won't object to a glass of punch. It's the old stuff,
+you know, Ma'am, that that Waters sent to my father fifteen years ago.”
+
+Six o'clock came, and with it came a fine barouche. As I live, Captain
+Waters was on the box (it was his coach); that old thief, Bates, jumped
+out, entered my house, and before I could say Jack Robinson, whipped off
+mamma to the carriage: the girls followed, just giving me a hasty shake
+of the hand; and as mamma was helped in, Mary Waters, who was sitting
+inside, flung her arms round her, and then round the girls; and the
+Doctor, who acted footman, jumped on the box, and off they went; taking
+no more notice of ME than if I'd been a nonentity.
+
+Here's a picture of the whole business:--Mamma and Miss Waters are
+sitting kissing each other in the carriage, with the two girls in the
+back seat: Waters is driving (a precious bad driver he is too); and I'm
+standing at the garden door, and whistling. That old fool Mary Malowney
+is crying behind the garden gate: she went off next day along with the
+furniture; and I to get into that precious scrape which I shall mention
+next.
+
+
+
+
+SEPTEMBER.--PLUCKING A GOOSE.
+
+After my papa's death, as he left me no money, and only a little land,
+I put my estate into an auctioneer's hands, and determined to amuse
+my solitude with a trip to some of our fashionable watering-places. My
+house was now a desert to me. I need not say how the departure of my
+dear parent, and her children, left me sad and lonely.
+
+Well, I had a little ready money, and, for the estate, expected a couple
+of thousand pounds. I had a good military-looking person: for though I
+had absolutely cut the old North Bungays (indeed, after my affair with
+Waters, Colonel Craw hinted to me, in the most friendly manner, that
+I had better resign)--though I had left the army, I still retained the
+rank of Captain; knowing the advantages attendant upon that title in a
+watering-place tour.
+
+Captain Stubbs became a great dandy at Cheltenham, Harrogate, Bath,
+Leamington, and other places. I was a good whist and billiard player;
+so much so, that in many of these towns, the people used to refuse, at
+last, to play with me, knowing how far I was their superior. Fancy my
+surprise, about five years after the Portsmouth affair, when strolling
+one day up the High Street, in Leamington, my eyes lighted upon a young
+man, whom I remembered in a certain butcher's yard, and elsewhere--no
+other, in fact, than Dobble. He, too, was dressed en militaire, with
+a frogged coat and spurs; and was walking with a showy-looking,
+Jewish-faced, black-haired lady, glittering with chains and rings, with
+a green bonnet and a bird-of-Paradise--a lilac shawl, a yellow gown,
+pink silk stockings, and light-blue shoes. Three children, and a
+handsome footman, were walking behind her, and the party, not seeing me,
+entered the “Royal Hotel” together.
+
+I was known myself at the “Royal,” and calling one of the waiters,
+learned the names of the lady and gentleman. He was Captain Dobble, the
+son of the rich army-clothier, Dobble (Dobble, Hobble and Co. of Pall
+Mall);--the lady was a Mrs. Manasseh, widow of an American Jew, living
+quietly at Leamington with her children, but possessed of an immense
+property. There's no use to give one's self out to be an absolute
+pauper: so the fact is, that I myself went everywhere with the character
+of a man of very large means. My father had died, leaving me immense
+sums of money, and landed estates. Ah! I was the gentleman then, the
+real gentleman, and everybody was too happy to have me at table.
+
+Well, I came the next day, and left a card for Dobble, with a note. He
+neither returned my visit, nor answered my note. The day after, however,
+I met him with the widow, as before; and going up to him, very kindly
+seized him by the hand, and swore I was--as really was the case--charmed
+to see him. Dobble hung back, to my surprise, and I do believe the
+creature would have cut me, if he dared; but I gave him a frown, and
+said--
+
+“What, Dobble, my boy, don't you recollect old Stubbs, and our adventure
+with the butcher's daughters--ha?”
+
+Dobble gave a sickly kind of grin, and said, “Oh! ah! yes! It is--yes!
+it is, I believe, Captain Stubbs.”
+
+“An old comrade, Madam, of Captain Dobble's, and one who has heard so
+much, and seen so much of your ladyship, that he must take the liberty
+of begging his friend to introduce him.”
+
+Dobble was obliged to take the hint; and Captain Stubbs was duly
+presented to Mrs. Manasseh. The lady was as gracious as possible; and
+when, at the end of the walk, we parted, she said “she hoped Captain
+Dobble would bring me to her apartments that evening, where she expected
+a few friends.” Everybody, you see, knows everybody at Leamington; and
+I, for my part, was well known as a retired officer of the army, who,
+on his father's death, had come into seven thousand a year. Dobble's
+arrival had been subsequent to mine; but putting up as he did at the
+“Royal Hotel,” and dining at the ordinary there with the widow, he had
+made her acquaintance before I had. I saw, however, that if I allowed
+him to talk about me, as he could, I should be compelled to give up all
+my hopes and pleasures at Leamington; and so I determined to be short
+with him. As soon as the lady had gone into the hotel, my friend Dobble
+was for leaving me likewise; but I stopped him and said, “Mr. Dobble, I
+saw what you meant just now: you wanted to cut me, because, forsooth, I
+did not choose to fight a duel at Portsmouth. Now look you, Dobble, I
+am no hero, but I'm not such a coward as you--and you know it. You are
+a very different man to deal with from Waters; and I WILL FIGHT this
+time.”
+
+Not perhaps that I would: but after the business of the butcher, I knew
+Dobble to be as great a coward as ever lived; and there never was any
+harm in threatening, for you know you are not obliged to stick to it
+afterwards. My words had their effect upon Dobble, who stuttered and
+looked red, and then declared he never had the slightest intention of
+passing me by; so we became friends, and his mouth was stopped.
+
+He was very thick with the widow, but that lady had a very capacious
+heart, and there were a number of other gentlemen who seemed equally
+smitten with her. “Look at that Mrs. Manasseh,” said a gentleman (it
+was droll, HE was a Jew, too) sitting at dinner by me. “She is old,
+and ugly, and yet, because she has money, all the men are flinging
+themselves at her.”
+
+“She has money, has she?”
+
+“Eighty thousand pounds, and twenty thousand for each of her children.
+I know it FOR A FACT,” said the strange gentleman. “I am in the law,
+and we of our faith, you know, know pretty well what the great families
+amongst us are worth.”
+
+“Who was Mr. Manasseh?” said I.
+
+“A man of enormous wealth--a tobacco-merchant--West Indies; a fellow of
+no birth, however; and who, between ourselves, married a woman that is
+not much better than she should be. My dear sir,” whispered he, “she
+is always in love. Now it is with that Captain Dobble; last week it was
+somebody else--and it may be you next week, if--ha! ha! ha!--you are
+disposed to enter the lists. I wouldn't, for MY part, have the woman
+with twice her money.”
+
+What did it matter to me whether the woman was good or not, provided
+she was rich? My course was quite clear. I told Dobble all that this
+gentleman had informed me, and being a pretty good hand at making a
+story, I made the widow appear SO bad, that the poor fellow was quite
+frightened, and fairly quitted the field. Ha! ha! I'm dashed if I did
+not make him believe that Mrs. Manasseh had MURDERED her last husband.
+
+I played my game so well, thanks to the information that my friend the
+lawyer had given me, that in a month I had got the widow to show a most
+decided partiality for me. I sat by her at dinner, I drank with her
+at the “Wells”--I rode with her, I danced with her, and at a picnic to
+Kenilworth, where we drank a good deal of champagne, I actually popped
+the question, and was accepted. In another month, Robert Stubbs, Esq.,
+led to the altar, Leah, widow of the late Z. Manasseh, Esq., of St.
+Kitt's!
+
+*****
+
+We drove up to London in her comfortable chariot: the children and
+servants following in a post-chaise. I paid, of course, for everything;
+and until our house in Berkeley Square was painted, we stopped at
+“Stevens's Hotel.”
+
+*****
+
+My own estate had been sold, and the money was lying at a bank in the
+City. About three days after our arrival, as we took our breakfast in
+the hotel, previous to a visit to Mrs. Stubbs's banker, where certain
+little transfers were to be made, a gentleman was introduced, who, I saw
+at a glance, was of my wife's persuasion.
+
+He looked at Mrs. Stubbs, and made a bow. “Perhaps it will be convenient
+to you to pay this little bill, one hundred and fifty-two pounds?”
+
+“My love,” says she, “will you pay this--it is a trifle which I had
+really forgotten?”
+
+“My soul!” said I, “I have really not the money in the house.”
+
+“Vel, denn, Captain Shtubbsh,” says he, “I must do my duty--and arrest
+you--here is the writ! Tom, keep the door?” My wife fainted--the
+children screamed, and I fancy my condition as I was obliged to march
+off to a spunging-house along with a horrid sheriff's officer?
+
+
+
+
+OCTOBER.--MARS AND VENUS IN OPPOSITION.
+
+I shall not describe my feelings when I found myself in a cage in
+Cursitor Street, instead of that fine house in Berkeley Square, which
+was to have been mine as the husband of Mrs. Manasseh. What a place!--in
+an odious, dismal street leading from Chancery Lane. A hideous Jew boy
+opened the second of three doors and shut it when Mr. Nabb and I (almost
+fainting) had entered; then he opened the third door, and then I was
+introduced to a filthy place called a coffee-room, which I exchanged for
+the solitary comfort of a little dingy back-parlor, where I was left for
+a while to brood over my miserable fate. Fancy the change between this
+and Berkeley Square! Was I, after all my pains, and cleverness, and
+perseverance, cheated at last? Had this Mrs. Manasseh been imposing
+upon me, and were the words of the wretch I met at the table-d'hote at
+Leamington only meant to mislead me and take me in? I determined to send
+for my wife, and know the whole truth. I saw at once that I had been the
+victim of an infernal plot, and that the carriage, the house in town,
+the West India fortune, were only so many lies which I had blindly
+believed. It was true that the debt was but a hundred and fifty pounds;
+and I had two thousand at my bankers'. But was the loss of HER 80,000L.
+nothing? Was the destruction of my hopes nothing? The accursed addition
+to my family of a Jewish wife and three Jewish children, nothing? And
+all these I was to support out of my two thousand pounds. I had better
+have stopped at home with my mamma and sisters, whom I really did love,
+and who produced me eighty pounds a year.
+
+I had a furious interview with Mrs. Stubbs; and when I charged her, the
+base wretch! with cheating me, like a brazen serpent as she was, she
+flung back the cheat in my teeth, and swore I had swindled her. Why did
+I marry her, when she might have had twenty others? She only took me,
+she said, because I had twenty thousand pounds. I HAD said I possessed
+that sum; but in love, you know, and war all's fair.
+
+We parted quite as angrily as we met; and I cordially vowed that when I
+had paid the debt into which I had been swindled by her, I would take
+my 2,000L. and depart to some desert island; or, at the very least, to
+America, and never see her more, or any of her Israelitish brood. There
+was no use in remaining in the spunging-house (for I knew that there
+were such things as detainers, and that where Mrs. Stubbs owed a hundred
+pounds, she might owe a thousand) so I sent for Mr. Nabb, and tendering
+him a cheque for 150L. and his costs, requested to be let out forthwith.
+“Here, fellow,” said I, “is a cheque on Child's for your paltry sum.”
+
+“It may be a sheck on Shild's,” says Mr. Nabb; “but I should be a baby
+to let you out on such a paper as dat.”
+
+“Well,” said I, “Child's is but a step from this: you may go and get the
+cash,--just give me an acknowledgment.”
+
+Nabb drew out the acknowledgment with great punctuality, and set off
+for the bankers', whilst I prepared myself for departure from this
+abominable prison.
+
+He smiled as he came in. “Well,” said I, “you have touched your money;
+and now, I must tell you, that you are the most infernal rogue and
+extortioner I ever met with.”
+
+“Oh, no, Mishter Shtubbsh,” says he, grinning still. “Dere is som
+greater roag dan me,--mosh greater.”
+
+“Fellow,” said I, “don't stand grinning before a gentleman; but give me
+my hat and cloak, and let me leave your filthy den.”
+
+“Shtop, Shtubbsh,” says he, not even Mistering me this time. “Here ish a
+letter, vich you had better read.”
+
+I opened the letter; something fell to the ground:--it was my cheque.
+
+The letter ran thus: “Messrs. Child and Co. present their compliments to
+Captain Stubbs, and regret that they have been obliged to refuse payment
+of the enclosed, having been served this day with an attachment by
+Messrs. Solomonson and Co., which compels them to retain Captain Stubbs'
+balance of 2,010L. 11s. 6d. until the decision of the suit of Solomonson
+v. Stubbs.
+
+“FLEET STREET.”
+
+“You see,” says Mr. Nabb, as I read this dreadful letter--“you see,
+Shtubbsh, dere vas two debts,--a little von and a big von. So dey
+arrested you for de little von, and attashed your money for de big von.”
+
+Don't laugh at me for telling this story. If you knew what tears are
+blotting over the paper as I write it--if you knew that for weeks after
+I was more like a madman than a sane man,--a madman in the Fleet Prison,
+where I went instead of to the desert island! What had I done to deserve
+it? Hadn't I always kept an eye to the main chance? Hadn't I lived
+economically, and not like other young men? Had I ever been known to
+squander or give away a single penny? No! I can lay my hand on my heart,
+and, thank heaven, say, No! Why, why was I punished so?
+
+Let me conclude this miserable history. Seven months--my wife saw me
+once or twice, and then dropped me altogether--I remained in that fatal
+place. I wrote to my dear mamma, begging her to sell her furniture, but
+got no answer. All my old friends turned their backs upon me. My action
+went against me--I had not a penny to defend it. Solomonson proved my
+wife's debt, and seized my two thousand pounds. As for the detainer
+against me, I was obliged to go through the court for the relief of
+insolvent debtors. I passed through it, and came out a beggar. But
+fancy the malice of that wicked Stiffelkind: he appeared in court as my
+creditor for 3L., with sixteen years' interest at five per cent, for a
+PAIR OF TOP-BOOTS. The old thief produced them in court, and told the
+whole story--Lord Cornwallis, the detection, the pumping and all.
+
+Commissioner Dubobwig was very funny about it. “So Doctor Swishtail
+would not pay you for the boots, eh, Mr. Stiffelkind?”
+
+“No: he said, ven I asked him for payment, dey was ordered by a yong
+boy, and I ought to have gone to his schoolmaster.”
+
+“What! then you came on a BOOTLESS errand, ay, sir?” (A laugh.)
+
+“Bootless! no sare, I brought de boots back vid me. How de devil else
+could I show dem to you?” (Another laugh.)
+
+“You've never SOLED 'em since, Mr. Tickleshins?”
+
+“I never would sell dem; I svore I never vood, on porpus to be revenged
+on dat Stobbs.”
+
+“What! your wound has never been HEALED, eh?”
+
+“Vat do you mean vid your bootless errands, and your soling and healing?
+I tell you I have done vat I svore to do: I have exposed him at school;
+I have broak off a marriage for him, ven he vould have had tventy
+tousand pound; and now I have showed him up in a court of justice. Dat
+is vat I 'ave done, and dat's enough.” And then the old wretch went
+down, whilst everybody was giggling and staring at poor me--as if I was
+not miserable enough already.
+
+“This seems the dearest pair of boots you ever had in your life, Mr.
+Stubbs,” said Commissioner Dubobwig very archly, and then he began to
+inquire about the rest of my misfortunes.
+
+In the fulness of my heart I told him the whole of them: how Mr.
+Solomonson the attorney had introduced me to the rich widow, Mrs.
+Manasseh, who had fifty thousand pounds, and an estate in the West
+Indies. How I was married, and arrested on coming to town, and cast
+in an action for two thousand pounds brought against me by this very
+Solomonson for my wife's debts.
+
+“Stop!” says a lawyer in the court. “Is this woman a showy black-haired
+woman with one eye? very often drunk, with three children?--Solomonson,
+short, with red hair?”
+
+“Exactly so,” said I, with tears in my eyes.
+
+“That woman has married THREE MEN within the last two years. One in
+Ireland, and one at Bath. A Solomonson is, I believe, her husband, and
+they both are off for America ten days ago.”
+
+“But why did you not keep your 2,000L.?” said the lawyer.
+
+“Sir, they attached it.”
+
+“Oh, well, we may pass you. You have been unlucky, Mr. Stubbs, but it
+seems as if the biter had been bit in this affair.”
+
+“No,” said Mr. Dubobwig. “Mr. Stubbs is the victim of a FATAL
+ATTACHMENT.”
+
+
+
+
+NOVEMBER.--A GENERAL POST DELIVERY.
+
+I was a free man when I went out of the Court; but I was a beggar--I,
+Captain Stubbs, of the bold North Bungays, did not know where I could
+get a bed, or a dinner.
+
+As I was marching sadly down Portugal Street, I felt a hand on my
+shoulder and a rough voice which I knew well.
+
+“Vell, Mr. Stobbs, have I not kept my promise? I told you dem boots
+would be your ruin.”
+
+I was much too miserable to reply; and only cast my eyes towards the
+roofs of the houses, which I could not see for the tears.
+
+“Vat! you begin to gry and blobber like a shild? you vood marry, vood
+you? and noting vood do for you but a vife vid monny--ha, ha--but you
+vere de pigeon, and she was de grow. She has plocked you, too, pretty
+vell--eh? ha! ha!”
+
+“Oh, Mr. Stiffelkind,” said I, “don't laugh at my misery: she has not
+left me a single shilling under heaven. And I shall starve: I do believe
+I shall starve.” And I began to cry fit to break my heart.
+
+“Starf! stoff and nonsense! You vill never die of starfing--you vill die
+of HANGING, I tink--ho! ho!--and it is moch easier vay too.” I didn't
+say a word, but cried on; till everybody in the street turned round and
+stared.
+
+“Come, come,” said Stiffelkind, “do not gry, Gaptain Stobbs--it is not
+goot for a Gaptain to gry--ha! ha! Dere--come vid me, and you shall have
+a dinner, and a bregfast too,--vich shall gost you nothing, until you
+can bay vid your earnings.”
+
+And so this curious old man, who had persecuted me all through my
+prosperity, grew compassionate towards me in my ill-luck; and took me
+home with him as he promised. “I saw your name among de Insolvents, and
+I vowed, you know, to make you repent dem boots. Dere, now, it is done
+and forgotten, look you. Here, Betty, Bettchen, make de spare bed, and
+put a clean knife and fork; Lort Cornvallis is come to dine vid me.”
+
+I lived with this strange old man for six weeks. I kept his books, and
+did what little I could to make myself useful: carrying about boots and
+shoes, as if I had never borne his Majesty's commission. He gave me no
+money, but he fed and lodged me comfortably. The men and boys used
+to laugh, and call me General, and Lord Cornwallis, and all sorts of
+nicknames; and old Stiffelkind made a thousand new ones for me.
+
+One day I can recollect--one miserable day, as I was polishing on
+the trees a pair of boots of Mr. Stiffelkind's manufacture--the old
+gentleman came into the shop, with a lady on his arm.
+
+“Vere is Gaptain Stobbs?” said he. “Vere is dat ornament to his
+Majesty's service?”
+
+I came in from the back shop, where I was polishing the boots, with one
+of them in my hand.
+
+“Look, my dear,” says he, “here is an old friend of yours, his
+Excellency Lort Cornvallis!--Who would have thought such a nobleman
+vood turn shoeblack? Captain Stobbs, here is your former flame, my dear
+niece, Miss Grotty. How could you, Magdalen, ever leaf such a lof of a
+man? Shake hands vid her, Gaptain;--dere, never mind de blacking!” But
+Miss drew back.
+
+“I never shake hands with a SHOEBLACK,” said she, mighty contemptuous.
+
+“Bah! my lof, his fingers von't soil you. Don't you know he has just
+been VITEVASHED?”
+
+“I wish, uncle,” says she, “you would not leave me with such low
+people.”
+
+“Low, because he cleans boots? De Gaptain prefers PUMPS to boots I
+tink--ha! ha!”
+
+“Captain indeed! a nice Captain,” says Miss Crutty, snapping her fingers
+in my face, and walking away: “a Captain who has had his nose pulled!
+ha! ha!”--And how could I help it? it wasn't by my own CHOICE that that
+ruffian Waters took such liberties with me. Didn't I show how averse I
+was to all quarrels by refusing altogether his challenge?--But such is
+the world. And thus the people at Stiffelkind's used to tease me, until
+they drove me almost mad.
+
+At last he came home one day more merry and abusive than ever.
+“Gaptain,” says he, “I have goot news for you--a goot place. Your
+lordship vill not be able to geep your garridge, but you vill be
+gomfortable, and serve his Majesty.”
+
+“Serve his Majesty?” says I. “Dearest Mr. Stiffelkind, have you got me a
+place under Government?”
+
+“Yes, and somting better still--not only a place, but a uniform: yes,
+Gaptain Stobbs, a RED GOAT.”
+
+“A red coat! I hope you don't think I would demean myself by entering
+the ranks of the army? I am a gentleman, Mr. Stiffelkind--I can
+never--no, I never--”
+
+“No, I know you will never--you are too great a goward--ha! ha!--though
+dis is a red goat, and a place where you must give some HARD KNOCKS
+too--ha! ha!--do you gomprehend?--and you shall be a general instead of
+a gaptain--ha! ha!”
+
+“A general in a red coat, Mr. Stiffelkind?”
+
+“Yes, a GENERAL BOSTMAN!--ha! ha! I have been vid your old friend,
+Bunting, and he has an uncle in the Post Office, and he has got you de
+place--eighteen shillings a veek, you rogue, and your goat. You must not
+oben any of de letters you know.”
+
+And so it was--I, Robert Stubbs, Esquire, became the vile thing he
+named--a general postman!
+
+*****
+
+I was so disgusted with Stiffelkind's brutal jokes, which were now more
+brutal than ever, that when I got my place in the Post Office, I never
+went near the fellow again: for though he had done me a favor in
+keeping me from starvation, he certainly had done it in a very rude,
+disagreeable manner, and showed a low and mean spirit in SHOVING me
+into such a degraded place as that of postman. But what had I to do? I
+submitted to fate, and for three years or more, Robert Stubbs, of the
+North Bungay Fencibles, was--
+
+I wonder nobody recognized me. I lived in daily fear the first year: but
+afterwards grew accustomed to my situation, as all great men will do,
+and wore my red coat as naturally as if I had been sent into the world
+only for the purpose of being a letter-carrier.
+
+I was first in the Whitechapel district, where I stayed for nearly three
+years, when I was transferred to Jermyn Street and Duke Street--famous
+places for lodgings. I suppose I left a hundred letters at a house in
+the latter street, where lived some people who must have recognized me
+had they but once chanced to look at me.
+
+You see that when I left Sloffemsquiggle, and set out in the gay world,
+my mamma had written to me a dozen times at least; but I never answered
+her, for I knew she wanted money, and I detest writing. Well, she
+stopped her letters, finding she could get none from me:--but when I was
+in the Fleet, as I told you, I wrote repeatedly to my dear mamma, and
+was not a little nettled at her refusing to notice me in my distress,
+which is the very time one most wants notice.
+
+Stubbs is not an uncommon name; and though I saw MRS. STUBBS on a little
+bright brass plate, in Duke street, and delivered so many letters to the
+lodgers in her house, I never thought of asking who she was, or whether
+she was my relation, or not.
+
+One day the young woman who took in the letters had not got change, and
+she called her mistress. An old lady in a poke-bonnet came out of the
+parlor, and put on her spectacles, and looked at the letter, and fumbled
+in her pocket for eightpence, and apologized to the postman for keeping
+him waiting. And when I said, “Never mind, Ma'am, it's no trouble,”
+ the old lady gave a start, and then she pulled off her spectacles, and
+staggered back; and then she began muttering, as if about to choke;
+and then she gave a great screech, and flung herself into my arms, and
+roared out, “MY SON, MY SON!”
+
+“Law, mamma,” said I, “is that you?” and I sat down on the hall bench
+with her, and let her kiss me as much as ever she liked. Hearing the
+whining and crying, down comes another lady from up stairs,--it was my
+sister Eliza; and down come the lodgers. And the maid gets water and
+what not, and I was the regular hero of the group. I could not stay
+long then, having my letters to deliver. But, in the evening, after
+mail-time, I went back to my mamma and sister; and, over a bottle of
+prime old port, and a precious good leg of boiled mutton and turnips,
+made myself pretty comfortable, I can tell you.
+
+
+
+
+DECEMBER.--“THE WINTER OF OUR DISCONTENT.”
+
+Mamma had kept the house in Duke Street for more than two years. I
+recollected some of the chairs and tables from dear old Sloffemsquiggle,
+and the bowl in which I had made that famous rum-punch, the evening she
+went away, which she and my sisters left untouched, and I was obliged to
+drink after they were gone; but that's not to the purpose.
+
+Think of my sister Lucy's luck! that chap, Waters, fell in love with
+her, and married her; and she now keeps her carriage, and lives in state
+near Sloffemsquiggle. I offered to make it up with Waters; but he bears
+malice, and never will see or speak to me.--He had the impudence, too,
+to say, that he took in all letters for mamma at Sloffemsquiggle; and
+that as mine were all begging-letters, he burned them, and never said a
+word to her concerning them. He allowed mamma fifty pounds a year, and,
+if she were not such a fool, she might have had three times as much; but
+the old lady was high and mighty forsooth, and would not be beholden,
+even to her own daughter, for more than she actually wanted. Even this
+fifty pound she was going to refuse; but when I came to live with her,
+of course I wanted pocket-money as well as board and lodging, and so
+I had the fifty pounds for MY share, and eked out with it as well as I
+could.
+
+Old Bates and the Captain, between them, gave mamma a hundred pounds
+when she left me (she had the deuce's own luck, to be sure--much more
+than ever fell to ME, I know) and as she said she WOULD try and work for
+her living, it was thought best to take a house and let lodgings, which
+she did. Our first and second floor paid us four guineas a week, on an
+average; and the front parlor and attic made forty pounds more. Mamma
+and Eliza used to have the front attic: but I took that, and they slept
+in the servants' bedroom. Lizzy had a pretty genius for work, and earned
+a guinea a week that way; so that we had got nearly two hundred a year
+over the rent to keep house with,--and we got on pretty well. Besides,
+women eat nothing: my women didn't care for meat for days together
+sometimes,--so that it was only necessary to dress a good steak or so
+for me.
+
+Mamma would not think of my continuing in the Post Office. She said
+her dear Robert, her husband's son, her gallant soldier, and all that,
+should remain at home and be a gentleman--which I was, certainly, though
+I didn't find fifty pounds a year very much to buy clothes and be a
+gentleman upon. To be sure, mother found me shirts and linen, so that
+THAT wasn't in the fifty pounds. She kicked a little at paying the
+washing too; but she gave in at last, for I was her dear Bob, you know;
+and I'm blest if I could not make her give me the gown off her back.
+Fancy! once she cut up a very nice rich black silk scarf, which my
+sister Waters sent her, and made me a waistcoat and two stocks of it.
+She was so VERY soft, the old lady!
+
+*****
+
+I'd lived in this way for five years or more, making myself content
+with my fifty pounds a year (PERHAPS I had saved a little out of it; but
+that's neither here nor there). From year's end to year's end I remained
+faithful to my dear mamma, never leaving her except for a month or so
+in the summer--when a bachelor may take a trip to Gravesend or Margate,
+which would be too expensive for a family. I say a bachelor, for the
+fact is, I don't know whether I am married or not--never having heard a
+word since of the scoundrelly Mrs. Stubbs.
+
+I never went to the public-house before meals: for, with my beggarly
+fifty pounds, I could not afford to dine away from home: but there I had
+my regular seat, and used to come home PRETTY GLORIOUS, I can tell you.
+Then bed till eleven; then breakfast and the newspaper; then a stroll in
+Hyde Park or St. James's; then home at half-past three to dinner--when
+I jollied, as I call it, for the rest of the day. I was my mother's
+delight; and thus, with a clear conscience, I managed to live on.
+
+*****
+
+How fond she was of me, to be sure! Being sociable myself, and loving
+to have my friends about me, we often used to assemble a company of as
+hearty fellows as you would wish to sit down with, and keep the nights
+up royally. “Never mind, my boys,” I used to say. “Send the bottle
+round: mammy pays for all.” As she did, sure enough: and sure enough we
+punished her cellar too. The good old lady used to wait upon us, as
+if for all the world she had been my servant, instead of a lady and my
+mamma. Never used she to repine, though I often, as I must confess, gave
+her occasion (keeping her up till four o'clock in the morning, because
+she never could sleep until she saw her “dear Bob” in bed, and leading
+her a sad anxious life). She was of such a sweet temper, the old lady,
+that I think in the course of five years I never knew her in a passion,
+except twice: and then with sister Lizzy, who declared I was ruining
+the house, and driving the lodgers away, one by one. But mamma would
+not hear of such envious spite on my sister's part. “Her Bob” was
+always right, she said. At last Lizzy fairly retreated, and went to the
+Waters's.--I was glad of it, for her temper was dreadful, and we used to
+be squabbling from morning till night!
+
+Ah, those WERE jolly times! but Ma was obliged to give up the
+lodging-house at last--for, somehow, things went wrong after my sister's
+departure--the nasty uncharitable people said, on account of ME; because
+I drove away the lodgers by smoking and drinking, and kicking up noises
+in the house; and because Ma gave me so much of her money:--so she did,
+but if she WOULD give it, you know, how could I help it? Heigho! I wish
+I'd KEPT it.
+
+No such luck. The business I thought was to last for ever: but at the
+end of two years came a smash--shut up shop--sell off everything. Mamma
+went to the Waters's: and, will you believe it? the ungrateful wretches
+would not receive me! that Mary, you see, was SO disappointed at not
+marrying me. Twenty pounds a year they allow, it is true; but what's
+that for a gentleman? For twenty years I have been struggling manfully
+to gain an honest livelihood, and, in the course of them, have seen a
+deal of life, to be sure. I've sold cigars and pocket-handkerchiefs
+at the corners of streets; I've been a billiard-marker; I've been a
+director (in the panic year) of the Imperial British Consolidated Mangle
+and Drying Ground Company. I've been on the stage (for two years as an
+actor, and about a month as a cad, when I was very low); I've been
+the means of giving to the police of this empire some very valuable
+information (about licensed victuallers, gentlemen's carts, and
+pawnbrokers' names); I've been very nearly an officer again--that is,
+an assistant to an officer of the Sheriff of Middlesex: it was my last
+place.
+
+On the last day of the year 1837, even THAT game was up. It's a
+thing that very seldom happened to a gentleman, to be kicked out of
+a spunging-house; but such was my case. Young Nabb (who succeeded his
+father) drove me ignominiously from his door, because I had charged a
+gentleman in the coffee-rooms seven-and-sixpence for a glass of ale and
+bread and cheese, the charge of the house being only six shillings. He
+had the meanness to deduct the eighteenpence from my wages, and because
+I blustered a bit, he took me by the shoulders and turned me out--me, a
+gentleman, and, what is more, a poor orphan!
+
+How I did rage and swear at him when I got out into the street! There
+stood he, the hideous Jew monster, at the double door, writhing under
+the effect of my language. I had my revenge! Heads were thrust out of
+every bar of his windows, laughing at him. A crowd gathered round me,
+as I stood pounding him with my satire, and they evidently enjoyed his
+discomfiture. I think the mob would have pelted the ruffian to death
+(one or two of their missiles hit ME, I can tell you), when a policeman
+came up, and in reply to a gentleman, who was asking what was the
+disturbance, said, “Bless you, sir, it's Lord Cornwallis.” “Move on,
+BOOTS,” said the fellow to me; for the fact is, my misfortunes and early
+life are pretty well known--and so the crowd dispersed.
+
+“What could have made that policeman call you Lord Cornwallis and
+Boots?” said the gentleman, who seemed mightily amused, and had followed
+me. “Sir,” says I, “I am an unfortunate officer of the North Bungay
+Fencibles, and I'll tell you willingly for a pint of beer.” He told me
+to follow him to his chambers in the Temple, which I did (a five-pair
+back), and there, sure enough, I had the beer; and told him this very
+story you've been reading. You see he is what is called a literary
+man--and sold my adventures for me to the booksellers; he's a strange
+chap; and says they're MORAL.
+
+*****
+
+I'm blest if I can see anything moral in them. I'm sure I ought to have
+been more lucky through life, being so very wide awake. And yet here I
+am, without a place, or even a friend, starving upon a beggarly twenty
+pounds a year--not a single sixpence more, upon MY HONOR.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's The Fatal Boots, by William Makepeace Thackeray
+
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