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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 05:19:44 -0700 |
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| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 05:19:44 -0700 |
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diff --git a/2731-h/2731-h.htm b/2731-h/2731-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..286cd24 --- /dev/null +++ b/2731-h/2731-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,10193 @@ +<?xml version="1.0" encoding="us-ascii"?> + +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" > + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en"> + <head> + <title> + The Christmas Books, by William Makepeace Thackeray + </title> + <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + + body { margin:5%; background:#faebd0; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} + div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } + div.middle { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; } + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} + .pagenum {display:inline; font-size: 70%; font-style:normal; + margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%; + text-align: right;} + pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} + +</style> + </head> + <body> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + +Project Gutenberg's The Christmas Books, by William Makepeace Thackeray + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Christmas Books + +Author: William Makepeace Thackeray + +Release Date: May 25, 2006 [EBook #2731] +Last Updated: December 17, 2012 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE CHRISTMAS BOOKS *** + + + + +Produced by Donald Lainson; David Widger + + + + + +</pre> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h1> + THE CHRISTMAS BOOKS <br /> of <br /> MR. M. A. TITMARSH + </h1> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h2> + By William Makepeace Thackeray + </h2> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h2> + Contents + </h2> + <table summary=""> + <tr> + <td> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0001"> MRS. PERKINS'S BALL. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0002"> OUR STREET </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0003"> DOCTOR BIRCH AND HIS YOUNG FRIENDS </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0004"> THE KICKLEBURYS ON THE RHINE. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0006"> THE ROSE AND THE RING: </a> + </p> + </td> + </tr> + </table> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0001" id="link2H_4_0001"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h2> + MRS. PERKINS'S BALL. + </h2> + <h3> + THE MULLIGAN (OF BALLYMULLIGAN), AND HOW WE WENT TO MRS. PERKINS'S BALL. + </h3> + <p> + I do not know where Ballymulligan is, and never knew anybody who did. Once + I asked the Mulligan the question, when that chieftain assumed a look of + dignity so ferocious, and spoke of "Saxon curiawsitee" in a tone of such + evident displeasure, that, as after all it can matter very little to me + whereabouts lies the Celtic principality in question, I have never pressed + the inquiry any farther. + </p> + <p> + I don't know even the Mulligan's town residence. One night, as he bade us + adieu in Oxford Street,—"I live THERE," says he, pointing down + towards Oxbridge, with the big stick he carries—so his abode is in + that direction at any rate. He has his letters addressed to several of his + friends' houses, and his parcels, &c. are left for him at various + taverns which he frequents. That pair of checked trousers, in which you + see him attired, he did me the favor of ordering from my own tailor, who + is quite as anxious as anybody to know the address of the wearer. In like + manner my hatter asked me, "Oo was the Hirish gent as 'ad ordered four + 'ats and a sable boar to be sent to my lodgings?" As I did not know + (however I might guess) the articles have never been sent, and the + Mulligan has withdrawn his custom from the "infernal four-and-nine-penny + scoundthrel," as he calls him. The hatter has not shut up shop in + consequence. + </p> + <p> + I became acquainted with the Mulligan through a distinguished countryman + of his, who, strange to say, did not know the chieftain himself. But + dining with my friend Fred Clancy, of the Irish bar, at Greenwich, the + Mulligan came up, "inthrojuiced" himself to Clancy as he said, claimed + relationship with him on the side of Brian Boroo, and drawing his chair to + our table, quickly became intimate with us. He took a great liking to me, + was good enough to find out my address and pay me a visit: since which + period often and often on coming to breakfast in the morning I have found + him in my sitting-room on the sofa engaged with the rolls and morning + papers: and many a time, on returning home at night for an evening's quiet + reading, I have discovered this honest fellow in the arm-chair before the + fire, perfuming the apartment with my cigars and trying the quality of + such liquors as might be found on the sideboard. The way in which he pokes + fun at Betsy, the maid of the lodgings, is prodigious. She begins to laugh + whenever he comes; if he calls her a duck, a divvle, a darlin', it is all + one. He is just as much a master of the premises as the individual who + rents them at fifteen shillings a week; and as for handkerchiefs, + shirt-collars, and the like articles of fugitive haberdashery, the loss + since I have known him is unaccountable. I suspect he is like the cat in + some houses: for, suppose the whiskey, the cigars, the sugar, the + tea-caddy, the pickles, and other groceries disappear, all is laid upon + that edax-rerum of a Mulligan. + </p> + <p> + The greatest offence that can be offered to him is to call him MR. + Mulligan. "Would you deprive me, sir," says he, "of the title which was + bawrun be me princelee ancestors in a hundred thousand battles? In our own + green valleys and fawrests, in the American savannahs, in the sierras of + Speen and the flats of Flandthers, the Saxon has quailed before me war-cry + of MULLIGAN ABOO! MR. Mulligan! I'll pitch anybody out of the window who + calls me MR. Mulligan." He said this, and uttered the slogan of the + Mulligans with a shriek so terrific, that my uncle (the Rev. W. Gruels, of + the Independent Congregation, Bungay), who had happened to address him in + the above obnoxious manner, while sitting at my apartments drinking tea + after the May meetings, instantly quitted the room, and has never taken + the least notice of me since, except to state to the rest of the family + that I am doomed irrevocably to perdition. + </p> + <p> + Well, one day last season, I had received from my kind and most estimable + friend, MRS. PERKINS OF POCKLINGTON SQUARE (to whose amiable family I have + had the honor of giving lessons in drawing, French, and the German flute), + an invitation couched in the usual terms, on satin gilt-edged note-paper, + to her evening-party; or, as I call it, "Ball." + </p> + <p> + Besides the engraved note sent to all her friends, my kind patroness had + addressed me privately as follows:— + </p> + <p> + MY DEAR MR. TITMARSH,—If you know any VERY eligible young man, we + give you leave to bring him. You GENTLEMEN love your CLUBS so much now, + and care so little for DANCING, that it is really quite A SCANDAL. Come + early, and before EVERYBODY, and give us the benefit of all your taste and + CONTINENTAL SKILL. + </p> + <p> + "Your sincere + </p> + <p> + "EMILY PERKINS." + </p> + <p> + "Whom shall I bring?" mused I, highly flattered by this mark of + confidence; and I thought of Bob Trippett; and little Fred Spring, of the + Navy Pay Office; Hulker, who is rich, and I knew took lessons in Paris; + and a half-score of other bachelor friends, who might be considered as + VERY ELIGIBLE—when I was roused from my meditation by the slap of a + hand on my shoulder; and looking up, there was the Mulligan, who began, as + usual, reading the papers on my desk. + </p> + <p> + "Hwhat's this?" says he. "Who's Perkins? Is it a supper-ball, or only a + tay-ball?" + </p> + <p> + "The Perkinses of Pocklington Square, Mulligan, are tiptop people," says + I, with a tone of dignity. "Mr. Perkins's sister is married to a baronet, + Sir Giles Bacon, of Hogwash, Norfolk. Mr. Perkins's uncle was Lord Mayor + of London; and he was himself in Parliament, and MAY BE again any day. The + family are my most particular friends. A tay-ball indeed! why, Gunter . . + ." Here I stopped: I felt I was committing myself. + </p> + <p> + "Gunter!" says the Mulligan, with another confounded slap on the shoulder. + "Don't say another word: I'LL go widg you, my boy." + </p> + <p> + "YOU go, Mulligan?" says I: "why, really—I—it's not my party." + </p> + <p> + "Your hwhawt? hwhat's this letter? a'n't I an eligible young man?—Is + the descendant of a thousand kings unfit company for a miserable + tallow-chandthlering cockney? Are ye joking wid me? for, let me tell ye, I + don't like them jokes. D'ye suppose I'm not as well bawrun and bred as + yourself, or any Saxon friend ye ever had?" + </p> + <p> + "I never said you weren't, Mulligan," says I. + </p> + <p> + "Ye don't mean seriously that a Mulligan is not fit company for a + Perkins?" + </p> + <p> + "My dear fellow, how could you think I could so far insult you?" says I. + "Well, then," says he, "that's a matter settled, and we go." + </p> + <p> + What the deuce was I to do? I wrote to Mrs. Perkins; and that kind lady + replied, that she would receive the Mulligan, or any other of my friends, + with the greatest cordiality. "Fancy a party, all Mulligans!" thought I, + with a secret terror. + </p> + <p> + MR. AND MRS. PERKINS, THEIR HOUSE, AND THEIR YOUNG PEOPLE. + </p> + <p> + Following Mrs. Perkins's orders, the present writer made his appearance + very early at Pocklington Square: where the tastiness of all the + decorations elicited my warmest admiration. Supper of course was in the + dining-loom, superbly arranged by Messrs. Grigs and Spooner, the + confectioners of the neighborhood. I assisted my respected friend Mr. + Perkins and his butler in decanting the sherry, and saw, not without + satisfaction, a large bath for wine under the sideboard, in which were + already placed very many bottles of champagne. + </p> + <p> + The BACK DINING-ROOM, Mr. P.'s study (where the venerable man goes to + sleep after dinner), was arranged on this occasion as a tea-room, Mrs. + Flouncey (Miss Fanny's maid) officiating in a cap and pink ribbons, which + became her exceedingly. Long, long before the arrival of the company, I + remarked Master Thomas Perkins and Master Giles Bacon, his cousin (son of + Sir Giles Bacon, Bart.), in this apartment, busy among the macaroons. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Gregory the butler, besides John the footman and Sir Giles's large man + in the Bacon livery, and honest Grundsell, carpet-beater and green-grocer, + of Little Pocklington Buildings, had at least half a dozen of + aides-de-camp in black with white neck-cloths, like doctors of divinity. + </p> + <p> + The BACK DRAWING-ROOM door on the landing being taken off the hinges (and + placed up stairs under Mr. Perkins's bed), the orifice was covered with + muslin, and festooned with elegant wreaths of flowers. This was the + Dancing Saloon. A linen was spread over the carpet; and a band—consisting + of Mr. Clapperton, piano, Mr. Pinch, harp, and Herr Spoff, cornet-a-piston + arrived at a pretty early hour, and were accommodated with some + comfortable negus in the tea-room, previous to the commencement of their + delightful labors. The boudoir to the left was fitted up as a card-room; + the drawing-room was of course for the reception of the company,—the + chandeliers and yellow damask being displayed this night in all their + splendor; and the charming conservatory over the landing was ornamented by + a few moon-like lamps, and the flowers arranged so that it had the + appearance of a fairy bower. And Miss Perkins (as I took the liberty of + stating to her mamma) looked like the fairy of that bower. It is this + young creature's first year in PUBLIC LIFE: she has been educated, + regardless of expense, at Hammersmith; and a simple white muslin dress and + blue ceinture set off charms of which I beg to speak with respectful + admiration. + </p> + <p> + My distinguished friend the Mulligan of Ballymulligan was good enough to + come the very first of the party. By the way, how awkward it is to be the + first of the party! and yet you know somebody must; but for my part, being + timid, I always wait at the corner of the street in the cab, and watch + until some other carriage comes up. + </p> + <p> + Well, as we were arranging the sherry in the decanters down the + supper-tables, my friend arrived: "Hwhares me friend Mr. Titmarsh?" I + heard him bawling out to Gregory in the passage, and presently he rushed + into the supper-room, where Mr. and Mrs. Perkins and myself were, and as + the waiter was announcing "Mr. Mulligan," "THE Mulligan of Ballymulligan, + ye blackguard!" roared he, and stalked into the apartment, "apologoizing," + as he said, for introducing himself. + </p> + <p> + Mr. and Mrs. Perkins did not perhaps wish to be seen in this room, which + was for the present only lighted by a couple of candles; but HE was not at + all abashed by the circumstance, and grasping them both warmly by the + hands, he instantly made himself at home. "As friends of my dear and + talented friend Mick," so he is pleased to call me, "I'm deloighted, + madam, to be made known to ye. Don't consider me in the light of a mere + acquaintance! As for you, my dear madam, you put me so much in moind of my + own blessed mother, now resoiding at Ballymulligan Castle, that I begin to + love ye at first soight." At which speech Mr. Perkins getting rather + alarmed, asked the Mulligan whether he would take some wine, or go up + stairs. + </p> + <p> + "Faix," says Mulligan "it's never too soon for good dhrink." And (although + he smelt very much of whiskey already) he drank a tumbler of wine "to the + improvement of an acqueentence which comminces in a manner so + deloightful." + </p> + <p> + "Let's go up stairs, Mulligan," says I, and led the noble Irishman to the + upper apartments, which were in a profound gloom, the candles not being + yet illuminated, and where we surprised Miss Fanny, seated in the twilight + at the piano, timidly trying the tunes of the polka which she danced so + exquisitely that evening. She did not perceive the stranger at first; but + how she started when the Mulligan loomed upon her. + </p> + <p> + "Heavenlee enchanthress!" says Mulligan, "don't floy at the approach of + the humblest of your sleeves! Reshewm your pleece at that insthrument, + which weeps harmonious, or smoils melojious, as you charrum it! Are you + acqueented with the Oirish Melodies? Can ye play, 'Who fears to talk of + Nointy-eight?' the 'Shan Van Voght?' or the 'Dirge of Ollam Fodhlah?'" + </p> + <p> + "Who's this mad chap that Titmarsh has brought?" I heard Master Bacon + exclaim to Master Perkins. "Look! how frightened Fanny looks!" + </p> + <p> + "O poo! gals are ALWAYS frightened," Fanny's brother replied; but Giles + Bacon, more violent, said, "I'll tell you what, Tom: if this goes on, we + must pitch into him." And so I have no doubt they would, when another + thundering knock coming, Gregory rushed into the room and began lighting + all the candles, so as to produce an amazing brilliancy, Miss Fanny sprang + up and ran to her mamma, and the young gentlemen slid down the banisters + to receive the company in the hall. + </p> + <p> + EVERYBODY BEGINS TO COME, BUT ESPECIALLY MR. MINCHIN. + </p> + <p> + "It's only me and my sisters," Master Bacon said; though "only" meant + eight in this instance. All the young ladies had fresh cheeks and purple + elbows; all had white frocks, with hair more or less auburn: and so a + party was already made of this blooming and numerous family, before the + rest of the company began to arrive. The three Miss Meggots next came in + their fly: Mr. Blades and his niece from 19 in the square: Captain and + Mrs. Struther, and Miss Struther: Doctor Toddy's two daughters and their + mamma: but where were the gentlemen? The Mulligan, great and active as he + was, could not suffice among so many beauties. At last came a brisk neat + little knock, and looking into the hall, I saw a gentleman taking off his + clogs there, whilst Sir Giles Bacon's big footman was looking on with + rather a contemptuous air. + </p> + <p> + "What name shall I enounce?" says he, with a wink at Gregory on the stair. + </p> + <p> + The gentleman in clogs said, with quiet dignity,— + </p> + <p> + MR. FREDERICK MINCHIN. + </p> + <p> + "Pump Court, Temple," is printed on his cards in very small type: and he + is a rising barrister of the Western Circuit. He is to be found at home of + mornings: afterwards "at Westminster," as you read on his back door. + "Binks and Minchin's Reports" are probably known to my legal friends: this + is the Minchin in question. + </p> + <p> + He is decidedly genteel, and is rather in request at the balls of the + Judges' and Serjeants' ladies: for he dances irreproachably, and goes out + to dinner as much as ever he can. + </p> + <p> + He mostly dines at the Oxford and Cambridge Club, of which you can easily + see by his appearance that he is a member; he takes the joint and his + half-pint of wine, for Minchin does everything like a gentleman. He is + rather of a literary turn; still makes Latin verses with some neatness; + and before he was called, was remarkably fond of the flute. + </p> + <p> + When Mr. Minchin goes out in the evening, his clerk brings his bag to the + Club, to dress; and if it is at all muddy, he turns up his trousers, so + that he may come in without a speck. For such a party as this, he will + have new gloves; otherwise Frederick, his clerk, is chiefly employed in + cleaning them with India-rubber. + </p> + <p> + He has a number of pleasant stories about the Circuit and the University, + which he tells with a simper to his neighbor at dinner; and has always the + last joke of Mr. Baron Maule. He has a private fortune of five thousand + pounds; he is a dutiful son; he has a sister married, in Harley Street; + and Lady Jane Ranville has the best opinion of him, and says he is a most + excellent and highly principled young man. + </p> + <p> + Her ladyship and daughter arrived just as Mr. Minchin had popped his clogs + into the umbrella-stand; and the rank of that respected person, and the + dignified manner in which he led her up stairs, caused all sneering on the + part of the domestics to disappear. + </p> + <p> + THE BALL-ROOM DOOR. + </p> + <p> + A hundred of knocks follow Frederick Minchin's: in half an hour Messrs. + Spoff, Pinch, and Clapperton have begun their music, and Mulligan, with + one of the Miss Bacons, is dancing majestically in the first quadrille. My + young friends Giles and Tom prefer the landing-place to the drawing-rooms, + where they stop all night, robbing the refreshment-trays as they come up + or down. Giles has eaten fourteen ices: he will have a dreadful + stomach-ache to-morrow. Tom has eaten twelve, but he has had four more + glasses of negus than Giles. Grundsell, the occasional waiter, from whom + Master Tom buys quantities of ginger-beer, can of course deny him nothing. + That is Grundsell, in the tights, with the tray. Meanwhile direct your + attention to the three gentlemen at the door: they are conversing. + </p> + <p> + 1st Gent.—Who's the man of the house—the bald man? + </p> + <p> + 2nd Gent.—Of course. The man of the house is always bald. He's a + stockbroker, I believe. Snooks brought me. + </p> + <p> + 1st Gent.—Have you been to the tea-room? There's a pretty girl in + the tea-room; blue eyes, pink ribbons, that kind of thing. + </p> + <p> + 2nd Gent.—Who the deuce is that girl with those tremendous + shoulders? Gad! I do wish somebody would smack 'em. + </p> + <p> + 3rd Gent.—Sir—that young lady is my niece, sir,—my niece—my + name is Blades, sir. + </p> + <p> + 2nd Gent.—Well, Blades! smack your niece's shoulders: she deserves + it, begad! she does. Come in, Jinks, present me to the Perkinses.—Hullo! + here's an old country acquaintance—Lady Bacon, as I live! with all + the piglings; she never goes out without the whole litter. (Exeunt 1st and + 2nd Gents.) + </p> + <p> + LADY BACON, THE MISS BACONS, MR. FLAM. + </p> + <p> + Lady B.—Leonora! Maria! Amelia! here is the gentleman we met at Sir + John Porkington's. + </p> + <p> + [The MISSES BACON, expecting to be asked to dance, smile simultaneously, + and begin to smooth their tuckers.] + </p> + <p> + Mr. Flam.—Lady Bacon! I couldn't be mistaken in YOU! Won't you + dance, Lady Bacon? + </p> + <p> + Lady B.—Go away, you droll creature! + </p> + <p> + Mr. Flam.—And these are your ladyship's seven lovely sisters, to + judge from their likenesses to the charming Lady Bacon? + </p> + <p> + Lady B.—My sisters, he! he! my DAUGHTERS, Mr. Flam, and THEY dance, + don't you, girls? + </p> + <p> + The Misses Bacon.—O yes! + </p> + <p> + Mr. Flam.—Gad! how I wish I was a dancing man! + </p> + <p> + [Exit FLAM. + </p> + <p> + MR. LARKINS. + </p> + <p> + I have not been able to do justice (only a Lawrence could do that) to my + respected friend Mrs. Perkins, in this picture; but Larkins's portrait is + considered very like. Adolphus Larkins has been long connected with Mr. + Perkins's City establishment, and is asked to dine twice or thrice per + annum. Evening-parties are the great enjoyment of this simple youth, who, + after he has walked from Kentish Town to Thames Street, and passed twelve + hours in severe labor there, and walked back again to Kentish Town, finds + no greater pleasure than to attire his lean person in that elegant evening + costume which you see, to walk into town again, and to dance at anybody's + house who will invite him. Islington, Pentonville, Somers Town, are the + scenes of many of his exploits; and I have seen this good-natured fellow + performing figure-dances at Notting-hill, at a house where I am ashamed to + say there was no supper, no negus even to speak of, nothing but the bare + merits of the polka in which Adolphus revels. To describe this gentleman's + infatuation for dancing, let me say, in a word, that he will even frequent + boarding-house hops, rather than not go. + </p> + <p> + He has clogs, too, like Minchin: but nobody laughs at HIM. He gives + himself no airs; but walks into a house with a knock and a demeanor so + tremulous and humble, that the servants rather patronize him. He does not + speak, or have any particular opinions, but when the time comes, begins to + dance. He bleats out a word or two to his partner during this operation, + seems very weak and sad during the whole performance, and, of course, is + set to dance with the ugliest women everywhere. + </p> + <p> + The gentle, kind spirit! when I think of him night after night, hopping + and jigging, and trudging off to Kentish Town, so gently, through the + fogs, and mud, and darkness: I do not know whether I ought to admire him, + because his enjoyments are so simple, and his dispositions so kindly; or + laugh at him, because he draws his life so exquisitely mild. Well, well, + we can't be all roaring lions in this world; there must be SOME lambs, and + harmless, kindly, gregarious creatures for eating and shearing. See! even + good-natured Mrs. Perkins is leading up the trembling Larkins to the + tremendous Miss Bunion! + </p> + <p> + MISS BUNION. + </p> + <p> + The Poetess, author of "Heartstrings," "The Deadly Nightshade," "Passion + Flowers," &c. Though her poems breathe only of love, Miss B. has never + been married. She is nearly six feet high; she loves waltzing beyond even + poesy; and I think lobster-salad as much as either. She confesses to + twenty-eight; in which case her first volume, "The Orphan of Gozo," (cut + up by Mr. Rigby, in the Quarterly, with his usual kindness,) must have + been published when she was three years old. + </p> + <p> + For a woman all soul, she certainly eats as much as any woman I ever saw. + The sufferings she has had to endure, are, she says, beyond compare; the + poems which she writes breathe a withering passion, a smouldering despair, + an agony of spirit that would melt the soul of a drayman, were he to read + them. Well, it is a comfort to see that she can dance of nights, and to + know (for the habits of illustrious literary persons are always worth + knowing) that she eats a hot mutton-chop for breakfast every morning of + her blighted existence. + </p> + <p> + She lives in a boardinghouse at Brompton, and comes to the party in a fly. + </p> + <p> + MR. HICKS. + </p> + <p> + It is worth twopence to see Miss Bunion and Poseidon Hicks, the great + poet, conversing with one another, and to talk of one to the other + afterwards. How they hate each other! I (in my wicked way) have sent Hicks + almost raving mad, by praising Bunion to him in confidence; and you can + drive Bunion out of the room by a few judicious panegyrics of Hicks. + </p> + <p> + Hicks first burst upon the astonished world with poems, in the Byronic + manner: "The Death-Shriek," "The Bastard of Lara," "The Atabal," "The + Fire-Ship of Botzaris," and other works. His "Love Lays," in Mr. Moore's + early style, were pronounced to be wonderfully precocious for a young + gentleman then only thirteen, and in a commercial academy, at Tooting. + </p> + <p> + Subsequently, this great bard became less passionate and more thoughtful; + and, at the age of twenty, wrote "Idiosyncracy" (in forty books, 4to.): + "Ararat," "a stupendous epic," as the reviews said; and "The Megatheria," + "a magnificent contribution to our pre-Adamite literature," according to + the same authorities. Not having read these works, it would ill become me + to judge them; but I know that poor Jingle, the publisher, always + attributed his insolvency to the latter epic, which was magnificently + printed in elephant folio. + </p> + <p> + Hicks has now taken a classical turn, and has brought out "Poseidon," + "Iacchus," "Hephaestus," and I dare say is going through the mythology. + But I should not like to try him at a passage of the Greek Delectus, any + more than twenty thousand others of us who have had a "classical + education." + </p> + <p> + Hicks was taken in an inspired attitude regarding the chandelier, and + pretending he didn't know that Miss Pettifer was looking at him. + </p> + <p> + Her name is Anna Maria (daughter of Higgs and Pettifer, solicitors, + Bedford Row); but Hicks calls her "Ianthe" in his album verses, and is + himself an eminent drysalter in the city. + </p> + <p> + MISS MEGGOT. + </p> + <p> + Poor Miss Meggot is not so lucky as Miss Bunion. Nobody comes to dance + with HER, though she has a new frock on, as she calls it, and rather a + pretty foot, which she always manages to stick out. + </p> + <p> + She is forty-seven, the youngest of three sisters, who live a mouldy old + house, near Middlesex Hospital, where they have lived for I don't know how + many score of years; but this is certain: the eldest Miss Meggot saw the + Gordon Riots out of that same parlor window, and tells the story how her + father (physician to George III.) was robbed of his queue in the streets + on that occasion. The two old ladies have taken the brevet rank, and are + addressed as Mrs. Jane and Mrs. Betsy: one of them is at whist in the back + drawing-room. But the youngest is still called Miss Nancy, and is + considered quite a baby by her sisters. + </p> + <p> + She was going to be married once to a brave young officer, Ensign Angus + Macquirk, of the Whistlebinkie Fencibles; but he fell at Quatre Bras, by + the side of the gallant Snuffmull, his commander. Deeply, deeply did Miss + Nancy deplore him. + </p> + <p> + But time has cicatrized the wounded heart. She is gay now, and would sing + or dance, ay, or marry if anybody asked her. + </p> + <p> + Do go, my dear friend—I don't mean to ask her to marry, but to ask + her to dance.—Never mind the looks of the thing. It will make her + happy; and what does it cost you? Ah, my dear fellow! take this counsel: + always dance with the old ladies—always dance with the governesses. + It is a comfort to the poor things when they get up in their garret that + somebody has had mercy on them. And such a handsome fellow as YOU too! + </p> + <p> + MISS RANVILLE, REV. MR. TOOP, MISS MULLINS, MR. WINTER. + </p> + <p> + Mr. W. Miss Mullins, look at Miss Ranville: what a picture of good humor. + </p> + <p> + Miss M.—Oh, you satirical creature! + </p> + <p> + Mr. W.—Do you know why she is so angry? she expected to dance with + Captain Grig, and by some mistake, the Cambridge Professor got hold of + her: isn't he a handsome man? + </p> + <p> + Miss M.—Oh, you droll wretch! + </p> + <p> + Mr. W.—Yes, he's a fellow of college—fellows mayn't marry, + Miss Mullins—poor fellows, ay, Miss Mullins? + </p> + <p> + Miss M.—La! + </p> + <p> + Mr. W.—And Professor of Phlebotomy in the University. He flatters + himself he is a man of the world, Miss Mullins, and always dances in the + long vacation. + </p> + <p> + Miss M.—You malicious, wicked monster! + </p> + <p> + Mr. W.—Do you know Lady Jane Ranville? Miss Ranville's mamma. A ball + once a year; footmen in canary-colored livery: Baker Street; six dinners + in the season; starves all the year round; pride and poverty, you know; + I've been to her ball ONCE. Ranville Ranville's her brother, and between + you and me—but this, dear Miss Mullins, is a profound secret,—I + think he's a greater fool than his sister. + </p> + <p> + Miss M.—Oh, you satirical, droll, malicious, wicked thing you! + </p> + <p> + Mr. W.—You do me injustice, Miss Mullins, indeed you do. + </p> + <p> + [Chaine Anglaise.] + </p> + <p> + MISS JOY, MR. AND MRS. JOY, MR. BOTTER. + </p> + <p> + Mr. B.—What spirits that girl has, Mrs. Joy! + </p> + <p> + Mr. J.—She's a sunshine in a house, Botter, a regular sunshine. When + Mrs. J. here's in a bad humor, I . . . + </p> + <p> + Mrs. J.—Don't talk nonsense, Mr. Joy. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. B.—There's a hop, skip, and jump for you! Why, it beats + Ellsler! Upon my conscience it does! It's her fourteenth quadrille too. + There she goes! She's a jewel of a girl, though I say it that shouldn't. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. J. (laughing).—Why don't you marry her, Botter? Shall I speak + to her? I dare say she'd have you. You're not so VERY old. + </p> + <p> + Mr. B.—Don't aggravate me, Mrs. J. You know when I lost my heart in + the year 1817, at the opening of Waterloo Bridge, to a young lady who + wouldn't have me, and left me to die in despair, and married Joy, of the + Stock Exchange. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. J. Get away, you foolish old creature. + </p> + <p> + [MR. JOY looks on in ecstasies at Miss Joy's agility. LADY JANE RANVILLE, + of Baker Street, pronounces her to be an exceedingly forward person. + CAPTAIN DOBBS likes a girl who has plenty of go in her; and as for FRED + SPARKS, he is over head and ears in love with her.] + </p> + <p> + MR. RANVILLE RANVILLE AND JACK HUBBARD. + </p> + <p> + This is Miss Ranville Ranville's brother, Mr. Ranville Ranville, of the + Foreign Office, faithfully designed as he was playing at whist in the + card-room. Talleyrand used to play at whist at the "Travellers'," that is + why Ranville Ranville indulges in that diplomatic recreation. It is not + his fault if he be not the greatest man in the room. + </p> + <p> + If you speak to him, he smiles sternly, and answers in monosyllables he + would rather die than commit himself. He never has committed himself in + his life. He was the first at school, and distinguished at Oxford. He is + growing prematurely bald now, like Canning, and is quite proud of it. He + rides in St. James's Park of a morning before breakfast. He dockets his + tailor's bills, and nicks off his dinner-notes in diplomatic paragraphs, + and keeps precis of them all. If he ever makes a joke, it is a quotation + from Horace, like Sir Robert Peel. The only relaxation he permits himself, + is to read Thucydides in the holidays. + </p> + <p> + Everybody asks him out to dinner, on account of his brass-buttons with the + Queen's cipher, and to have the air of being well with the Foreign Office. + "Where I dine," he says solemnly, "I think it is my duty to go to + evening-parties." That is why he is here. He never dances, never sups, + never drinks. He has gruel when he goes home to bed. I think it is in his + brains. + </p> + <p> + He is such an ass and so respectable, that one wonders he has not + succeeded in the world; and yet somehow they laugh at him; and you and I + shall be Ministers as soon as he will. + </p> + <p> + Yonder, making believe to look over the print-books, is that merry rogue, + Jack Hubbard. + </p> + <p> + See how jovial he looks! He is the life and soul of every party, and his + impromptu singing after supper will make you die of laughing. He is + meditating an impromptu now, and at the same time thinking about a bill + that is coming due next Thursday. Happy dog! + </p> + <p> + MRS. TROTTER, MISS TROTTER, MISS TOADY, LORD METHUSELAH. + </p> + <p> + Dear Emma Trotter has been silent and rather ill-humored all the evening + until now her pretty face lights up with smiles. Cannot you guess why? + Pity the simple and affectionate creature! Lord Methuselah has not arrived + until this moment: and see how the artless girl steps forward to greet + him! + </p> + <p> + In the midst of all the selfishness and turmoil of the world, how charming + it is to find virgin hearts quite unsullied, and to look on at little + romantic pictures of mutual love! Lord Methuselah, though you know his age + by the peerage—though he is old, wigged, gouty, rouged, wicked, has + lighted up a pure flame in that gentle bosom. There was a talk about Tom + Willoughby last year; and then, for a time, young Hawbuck (Sir John + Hawbuck's youngest son) seemed the favored man; but Emma never knew her + mind until she met the dear creature before you in a Rhine steamboat. "Why + are you so late, Edward?" says she. Dear artless child! + </p> + <p> + Her mother looks on with tender satisfaction. One can appreciate the joys + of such an admirable parent! + </p> + <p> + "Look at them!" says Miss Toady. "I vow and protest they're the handsomest + couple in the room!" + </p> + <p> + Methuselah's grandchildren are rather jealous and angry, and Mademoiselle + Ariane, of the French theatre, is furious. But there's no accounting for + the mercenary envy of some people; and it is impossible to satisfy + everybody. + </p> + <p> + MR. BEAUMORIS, MR. GRIG, MR. FLYNDERS. + </p> + <p> + Those three young men are described in a twinkling: Captain Grig of the + Heavies; Mr. Beaumoris, the handsome young man; Tom Flinders (Flynders + Flynders he now calls himself), the fat gentleman who dresses after + Beaumoris. + </p> + <p> + Beaumoris is in the Treasury: he has a salary of eighty pounds a year, on + which he maintains the best cab and horses of the season; and out of which + he pays seventy guineas merely for his subscriptions to clubs. He hunts in + Leicestershire, where great men mount him; he is a prodigious favorite + behind the scenes at the theatres; you may get glimpses of him at + Richmond, with all sorts of pink bonnets; and he is the sworn friend of + half the most famous roues about town, such as Old Methuselah, Lord + Billygoat, Lord Tarquin, and the rest: a respectable race. It is to oblige + the former that the good-natured young fellow is here to-night; though it + must not be imagined that he gives himself any airs of superiority. Dandy + as he is, he is quite affable, and would borrow ten guineas from any man + in the room, in the most jovial way possible. + </p> + <p> + It is neither Beau's birth, which is doubtful; nor his money, which is + entirely negative; nor his honesty, which goes along with his + money-qualification; nor his wit, for he can barely spell,—which + recommend him to the fashionable world: but a sort of Grand Seigneur + splendor and dandified je ne scais quoi, which make the man he is of him. + The way in which his boots and gloves fit him is a wonder which no other + man can achieve; and though he has not an atom of principle, it must be + confessed that he invented the Taglioni shirt. + </p> + <p> + When I see these magnificent dandies yawning out of "White's," or + caracoling in the Park on shining chargers, I like to think that Brummell + was the greatest of them all, and that Brummell's father was a footman. + </p> + <p> + Flynders is Beaumoris's toady: lends him money: buys horses through his + recommendation; dresses after him; clings to him in Pall Mall, and on the + steps of the club; and talks about 'Bo' in all societies. It is his drag + which carries down Bo's friends to the Derby, and his cheques pay for + dinners to the pink bonnets. I don't believe the Perkinses know what a + rogue it is, but fancy him a decent, reputable City man, like his father + before him. + </p> + <p> + As for Captain Grig, what is there to tell about him? He performs the + duties of his calling with perfect gravity. He is faultless on parade; + excellent across country; amiable when drunk, rather slow when sober. He + has not two ideas, and is a most good-natured, irreproachable, gallant, + and stupid young officer. + </p> + <p> + CAVALIER SEUL. + </p> + <p> + This is my friend Bob Hely, performing the Cavalier seul in a quadrille. + Remark the good-humored pleasure depicted in his countenance. Has he any + secret grief? Has he a pain anywhere? No, dear Miss Jones, he is dancing + like a true Briton, and with all the charming gayety and abandon of our + race. + </p> + <p> + When Canaillard performs that Cavalier seul operation, does HE flinch? No: + he puts on his most vainqueur look, he sticks his thumbs into the armholes + of his waistcoat, and advances, retreats, pirouettes, and otherwise + gambadoes, as though to say, "Regarde moi, O monde! Venez, O femmes, venez + voir danser Canaillard!" + </p> + <p> + When De Bobwitz executes the same measure, he does it with smiling + agility, and graceful ease. + </p> + <p> + But poor Hely, if he were advancing to a dentist, his face would not be + more cheerful. All the eyes of the room are upon him, he thinks; and he + thinks he looks like a fool. + </p> + <p> + Upon my word, if you press the point with me, dear Miss Jones, I think he + is not very far from right. I think that while Frenchmen and Germans may + dance, as it is their nature to do, there is a natural dignity about us + Britons, which debars us from that enjoyment. I am rather of the Turkish + opinion, that this should be done for us. I think . . . + </p> + <p> + "Good-by, you envious old fox-and-the-grapes," says Miss Jones, and the + next moment I see her whirling by in a polka with Tom Tozer, at a pace + which makes me shrink back with terror into the little boudoir. + </p> + <p> + M. CANAILLARD, CHEVALIER OF THE LEGION OF HONOR. LIEUTENANT BARON DE + BOBWITZ. + </p> + <p> + Canaillard. Oh, ces Anglais! quels hommes, mon Dieu! Comme ils sont + habilles, comme ils dansent! + </p> + <p> + Bobwitz.—Ce sont de beaux hommes bourtant; point de tenue militaire, + mais de grands gaillards; si je les avais dans ma compagnie de la Garde, + j'en ferai de bons soldats. + </p> + <p> + Canaillard.—Est-il bete, cet Allemand! Les grands hommes ne font pas + toujours de bons soldats, Monsieur. Il me semble que les soldats de France + qui sont de ma taille, Monsieur, valent un peu mieux . . . + </p> + <p> + Bobwitz.—Vous croyez? + </p> + <p> + Canaillard.—Comment! je le crois, Monsieur? J'en suis sur! Il me + semble, Monsieur, que nous l'avons prouve. + </p> + <p> + Bobwitz (impatiently).—Je m'en vais danser la Bolka. Serviteur, + Monsieur. + </p> + <p> + Canaillard.—Butor! (He goes and looks at himself in the glass, when + he is seized by Mrs. Perkins for the Polka.) + </p> + <p> + THE BOUDOIR. MR. SMITH, MR. BROWN, MISS BUSTLETON. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Brown.—You polk, Miss Bustleton? I'm SO delaighted. + </p> + <p> + Miss Bustleton.—[Smiles and prepares to rise.] + </p> + <p> + Mr. Smith.—D—- puppy. + </p> + <p> + (Poor Smith don't polk.) + </p> + <p> + GRAND POLKA. + </p> + <p> + Though a quadrille seems to me as dreary as a funeral, yet to look at a + polka, I own, is pleasant. See! Brown and Emily Bustleton are whirling + round as light as two pigeons over a dovecot; Tozer, with that wicked + whisking little Jones, spins along as merrily as a May-day sweep; Miss Joy + is the partner of the happy Fred Sparks; and even Miss Ranville is + pleased, for the faultless Captain Grig is toe and heel with her. + Beaumoris, with rather a nonchalant air, takes a turn with Miss Trotter, + at which Lord Methuseleh's wrinkled chops quiver uneasily. See! how the + big Baron de Bobwitz spins lightly, and gravely, and gracefully round; and + lo! the Frenchman staggering under the weight of Miss Bunion, who tramps + and kicks like a young cart-horse. + </p> + <p> + But the most awful sight which met my view in this dance was the + unfortunate Miss Little, to whom fate had assigned THE MULLIGAN as a + partner. Like a pavid kid in the talons of an eagle, that young creature + trembled in his huge Milesian grasp. Disdaining the recognized form of the + dance, the Irish chieftain accommodated the music to the dance of his own + green land, and performed a double shuffle jig, carrying Miss Little along + with him. Miss Ranville and her Captain shrank back amazed; Miss Trotter + skirried out of his way into the protection of the astonished Lord + Methuselah; Fred Sparks could hardly move for laughing; while, on the + contrary, Miss Joy was quite in pain for poor Sophy Little. As Canaillard + and the Poetess came up, The Mulligan, in the height of his enthusiasm, + lunged out a kick which sent Miss Bunion howling; and concluded with a + tremendous Hurroo!—a war-cry which caused every Saxon heart to + shudder and quail. + </p> + <p> + "Oh that the earth would open and kindly take me in!" I exclaimed + mentally; and slunk off into the lower regions, where by this time half + the company were at supper. + </p> + <p> + THE SUPPER. + </p> + <p> + The supper is going on behind the screen. There is no need to draw the + supper. We all know that sort of transaction: the squabbling, and + gobbling, and popping of champagne; the smell of musk and lobster-salad; + the dowagers chumping away at plates of raised pie; the young lassies + nibbling at little titbits, which the dexterous young gentlemen procure. + Three large men, like doctors of divinity, wait behind the table, and + furnish everything that appetite can ask for. I never, for my part, can + eat any supper for wondering at those men. I believe if you were to ask + them for mashed turnips, or a slice of crocodile, those astonishing people + would serve you. What a contempt they must have for the guttling crowd to + whom they minister—those solemn pastry-cook's men! How they must + hate jellies, and game-pies, and champagne, in their hearts! How they must + scorn my poor friend Grundsell behind the screen, who is sucking at a + bottle! + </p> + <p> + This disguised green-grocer is a very well-known character in the + neighborhood of Pocklington Square. He waits at the parties of the gentry + in the neighborhood, and though, of course, despised in families where a + footman is kept, is a person of much importance in female establishments. + </p> + <p> + Miss Jonas always employs him at her parties, and says to her page, + "Vincent, send the butler, or send Desborough to me;" by which name she + chooses to designate G. G. + </p> + <p> + When the Miss Frumps have post-horses to their carriage, and pay visits, + Grundsell always goes behind. Those ladies have the greatest confidence in + him, have been godmothers to fourteen of his children, and leave their + house in his charge when they go to Bognor for the summer. He attended + those ladies when they were presented at the last drawing-room of her + Majesty Queen Charlotte. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + GEORGE GRUNDSELL, + + GREEN-GROCER AND SALESMAN, + + 9, LITTLE POCKLINGTON BUILDINGS, + + LATE CONFIDENTIAL SERVANT IN THE FAMILY OF + + THE LORD MAYOR OF LONDON. +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Carpets Beat.—Knives and Boots cleaned per contract.—Errands + faithfully performed—G. G. attends Ball and Dinner parties, + and from his knowledge of the most distinguished Families in + London, confidently recommends his services to the + distinguished neighbourhood of Pocklington Square. +</pre> + <p> + Mr. Grundsell's state costume is a blue coat and copper buttons, a white + waistcoat, and an immense frill and shirt-collar. He was for many years a + private watchman, and once canvassed for the office of parish clerk of St. + Peter's Pocklington. He can be intrusted with untold spoons; with + anything, in fact, but liquor; and it was he who brought round the cards + for MRS. PERKINS'S BALL. + </p> + <p> + AFTER SUPPER. + </p> + <p> + I do not intend to say any more about it. After the people had supped, + they went back and danced. Some supped again. I gave Miss Bunion, with my + own hands, four bumpers of champagne: and such a quantity of goose-liver + and truffles, that I don't wonder she took a glass of cherry-brandy + afterwards. The gray morning was in Pocklington Square as she drove away + in her fly. So did the other people go away. How green and sallow some of + the girls looked, and how awfully clear Mrs. Colonel Bludyer's rouge was! + Lady Jane Ranville's great coach had roared away down the streets long + before. Fred Minchin pattered off in his clogs: it was I who covered up + Miss Meggot, and conducted her, with her two old sisters, to the carriage. + Good old souls! They have shown their gratitude by asking me to tea next + Tuesday. Methuselah is gone to finish the night at the club. "Mind + to-morrow," Miss Trotter says, kissing her hand out of the carriage. + Canaillard departs, asking the way to "Lesterre Squar." They all go away—life + goes away. + </p> + <p> + Look at Miss Martin and young Ward! How tenderly the rogue is wrapping her + up! how kindly she looks at him! The old folks are whispering behind as + they wait for their carriage. What is their talk, think you? and when + shall that pair make a match? When you see those pretty little creatures + with their smiles and their blushes, and their pretty ways, would you like + to be the Grand Bashaw? + </p> + <p> + "Mind and send me a large piece of cake," I go up and whisper archly to + old Mr. Ward: and we look on rather sentimentally at the couple, almost + the last in the rooms (there, I declare, go the musicians, and the clock + is at five)—when Grundsell, with an air effare, rushes up to me and + says, "For e'v'n sake, sir, go into the supper-room: there's that Hirish + gent a-pitchin' into Mr. P." + </p> + <p> + THE MULLIGAN AND MR. PERKINS. + </p> + <p> + It was too true. I had taken him away after supper (he ran after Miss + Little's carriage, who was dying in love with him as he fancied), but the + brute had come back again. The doctors of divinity were putting up their + condiments: everybody was gone; but the abominable Mulligan sat swinging + his legs at the lonely supper-table! + </p> + <p> + Perkins was opposite, gasping at him. + </p> + <p> + The Mulligan.—I tell ye, ye are the butler, ye big fat man. Go get + me some more champagne: it's good at this house. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Perkins (with dignity).—It IS good at this house; but— + </p> + <p> + The Mulligan.—Bht hwhat, ye goggling, bow-windowed jackass? Go get + the wine, and we'll dthrink it together, my old buck. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Perkins.—My name, sir, is PERKINS. + </p> + <p> + The Mulligan.—Well, that rhymes with jerkins, my man of firkins; so + don't let us have any more shirkings and lurkings, Mr. Perkins. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Perkins (with apoplectic energy).—Sir, I am the master of this + house; and I order you to quit it. I'll not be insulted, sir. I'll send + for a policeman, sir. What do you mean, Mr. Titmarsh, sir, by bringing + this—this beast into my house, sir? + </p> + <p> + At this, with a scream like that of a Hyrcanian tiger, Mulligan of the + hundred battles sprang forward at his prey; but we were beforehand with + him. Mr. Gregory, Mr. Grundsell, Sir Giles Bacon's large man, the young + gentlemen, and myself, rushed simultaneously upon the tipsy chieftain, and + confined him. The doctors of divinity looked on with perfect indifference. + That Mr. Perkins did not go off in a fit is a wonder. He was led away + heaving and snorting frightfully. + </p> + <p> + Somebody smashed Mulligan's hat over his eyes, and I led him forth into + the silent morning. The chirrup of the birds, the freshness of the rosy + air, and a penn'orth of coffee that I got for him at a stall in the Regent + Circus, revived him somewhat. When I quitted him, he was not angry but + sad. He was desirous, it is true, of avenging the wrongs of Erin in battle + line; he wished also to share the grave of Sarsfield and Hugh O'Neill; but + he was sure that Miss Perkins, as well as Miss Little, was desperately in + love with him; and I left him on a doorstep in tears. + </p> + <p> + "Is it best to be laughing-mad, or crying-mad, in the world?" says I + moodily, coming into my street. Betsy the maid was already up and at work, + on her knees, scouring the steps, and cheerfully beginning her honest + daily labor. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0002" id="link2H_4_0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + OUR STREET + </h2> + <h3> + BY MR. M. A TITMARSH. + </h3> + <p> + Our street, from the little nook which I occupy in it, and whence I and a + fellow-lodger and friend of mine cynically observe it, presents a strange + motley scene. We are in a state of transition. We are not as yet in the + town, and we have left the country, where we were when I came to lodge + with Mrs. Cammysole, my excellent landlady. I then took second-floor + apartments at No. 17, Waddilove Street, and since, although I have never + moved (having various little comforts about me), I find myself living at + No. 46A, Pocklington Gardens. + </p> + <p> + Why is this? Why am I to pay eighteen shillings instead of fifteen? I was + quite as happy in Waddilove Street; but the fact is, a great portion of + that venerable old district has passed away, and we are being absorbed + into the splendid new white-stuccoed Doric-porticoed genteel Pocklington + quarter. Sir Thomas Gibbs Pocklington, M. P. for the borough of + Lathanplaster, is the founder of the district and his own fortune. The + Pocklington Estate Office is in the Square, on a line with Waddil—with + Pocklington Gardens I mean. The old inn, the "Ram and Magpie," where the + market-gardeners used to bait, came out this year with a new white face + and title, the shield, &c. of the "Pocklington Arms." Such a shield it + is! Such quarterings! Howard, Cavendish, De Ros, De la Zouche, all mingled + together. + </p> + <p> + Even our house, 46A, which Mrs. Cammysole has had painted white in + compliment to the Gardens of which it now forms part, is a sort of + impostor, and has no business to be called Gardens at all. Mr. Gibbs, Sir + Thomas's agent and nephew, is furious at our daring to take the title + which belongs to our betters. The very next door (No. 46, the Honorable + Mrs. Mountnoddy,) is a house of five stories, shooting up proudly into the + air, thirty feet above our old high-roofed low-roomed old tenement. Our + house belongs to Captain Bragg, not only the landlord but the son-in-law + of Mrs. Cammysole, who lives a couple of hundred yards down the street, at + "The Bungalow." He was the commander of the "Ram Chunder" East Indiaman, + and has quarrelled with the Pocklingtons ever since he bought houses in + the parish. + </p> + <p> + He it is who will not sell or alter his houses to suit the spirit of the + times. He it is who, though he made the widow Cammysole change the name of + her street, will not pull down the house next door, nor the baker's next, + nor the iron-bedstead and feather warehouse ensuing, nor the little + barber's with the pole, nor, I am ashamed to say, the tripe-shop, still + standing. The barber powders the heads of the great footmen from + Pocklington Gardens; they are so big that they can scarcely sit in his + little premises. And the old tavern, the "East Indiaman," is kept by + Bragg's ship-steward, and protests against the "Pocklington Arms." + </p> + <p> + Down the road is Pocklington Chapel, Rev. Oldham Slocum—in brick, + with arched windows and a wooden belfry: sober, dingy, and hideous. In the + centre of Pocklington Gardens rises St. Waltheof's, the Rev. Cyril + Thuryfer and assistants—a splendid Anglo-Norman edifice, vast, rich, + elaborate, bran new, and intensely old. Down Avemary Lane you may hear the + clink of the little Romish chapel bell. And hard by is a large + broad-shouldered Ebenezer (Rev. Jonas Gronow), out of the windows of which + the hymns come booming all Sunday long. + </p> + <p> + Going westward along the line, we come presently to Comandine House (on a + part of the gardens of which Comandine Gardens is about to be erected by + his lordship); farther on, "The Pineries," Mr. and Lady Mary Mango: and so + we get into the country, and out of Our Street altogether, as I may say. + But in the half-mile, over which it may be said to extend, we find all + sorts and conditions of people—from the Right Honorable Lord + Comandine down to the present topographer; who being of no rank as it + were, has the fortune to be treated on almost friendly footing by all, + from his lordship down to the tradesman. + </p> + <p> + OUR HOUSE IN OUR STREET + </p> + <p> + We must begin our little descriptions where they say charity should begin—at + home. Mrs. Cammysole, my landlady, will be rather surprised when she reads + this, and finds that a good-natured tenant, who has never complained of + her impositions for fifteen years, understands every one of her tricks, + and treats them, not with anger, but with scorn—with silent scorn. + </p> + <p> + On the 18th of December, 1837, for instance, coming gently down stairs, + and before my usual wont, I saw you seated in my arm-chair, peeping into a + letter that came from my aunt in the country, just as if it had been + addressed to you, and not to "M. A. Titmarsh, Esq." Did I make any + disturbance? far from it; I slunk back to my bedroom (being enabled to + walk silently in the beautiful pair of worsted slippers Miss Penelope J—s + worked for me: they are worn out now, dear Penelope!) and then rattling + open the door with a great noise, descending the stairs, singing "Son + vergin vezzosa" at the top of my voice. You were not in my sitting-room, + Mrs. Cammysole, when I entered that apartment. + </p> + <p> + You have been reading all my letters, papers, manuscripts, brouillons of + verses, inchoate articles for the Morning Post and Morning Chronicle, + invitations to dinner and tea—all my family letters, all Eliza + Townley's letters, from the first, in which she declared that to be the + bride of her beloved Michelagnolo was the fondest wish of her maiden + heart, to the last, in which she announced that her Thomas was the best of + husbands, and signed herself "Eliza Slogger;" all Mary Farmer's letters, + all Emily Delamere's; all that poor foolish old Miss MacWhirter's, whom I + would as soon marry as ——: in a word, I know that you, you + hawk-beaked, keen-eyed, sleepless, indefatigable old Mrs. Cammysole, have + read all my papers for these fifteen years. + </p> + <p> + I know that you cast your curious old eyes over all the manuscripts which + you find in my coat-pockets and those of my pantaloons, as they hang in a + drapery over the door-handle of my bedroom. + </p> + <p> + I know that you count the money in my green and gold purse, which Lucy + Netterville gave me, and speculate on the manner in which I have laid out + the difference between to-day and yesterday. + </p> + <p> + I know that you have an understanding with the laundress (to whom you say + that you are all-powerful with me), threatening to take away my practice + from her, unless she gets up gratis some of your fine linen. + </p> + <p> + I know that we both have a pennyworth of cream for breakfast, which is + brought in in the same little can; and I know who has the most for her + share. + </p> + <p> + I know how many lumps of sugar you take from each pound as it arrives. I + have counted the lumps, you old thief, and for years have never said a + word, except to Miss Clapperclaw, the first-floor lodger. Once I put a + bottle of pale brandy into that cupboard, of which you and I only have + keys, and the liquor wasted and wasted away until it was all gone. You + drank the whole of it, you wicked old woman. You a lady, indeed! + </p> + <p> + I know your rage when they did me the honor to elect me a member of the + "Poluphloisboiothalasses Club," and I ceased consequently to dine at home. + When I DID dine at home,—on a beefsteak let us say,—I should + like to know what you had for supper. You first amputated portions of the + meat when raw; you abstracted more when cooked. Do you think I was taken + in by your flimsy pretences? I wonder how you could dare to do such things + before your maids (you a clergyman's daughter and widow, indeed), whom you + yourself were always charging with roguery. + </p> + <p> + Yes, the insolence of the old woman is unbearable, and I must break out at + last. If she goes off in a fit at reading this, I am sure I shan't mind. + She has two unhappy wenches, against whom her old tongue is clacking from + morning till night: she pounces on them at all hours. It was but this + morning at eight, when poor Molly was brooming the steps, and the baker + paying her by no means unmerited compliments, that my landlady came + whirling out of the ground-floor front, and sent the poor girl whimpering + into the kitchen. + </p> + <p> + Were it but for her conduct to her maids I was determined publicly to + denounce her. These poor wretches she causes to lead the lives of demons; + and not content with bullying them all day, she sleeps at night in the + same room with them, so that she may have them up before daybreak, and + scold them while they are dressing. + </p> + <p> + Certain it is, that between her and Miss Clapperclaw, on the first floor, + the poor wenches lead a dismal life. + </p> + <p> + It is to you that I owe most of my knowledge of our neighbors; from you it + is that most of the facts and observations contained in these brief pages + are taken. Many a night, over our tea, have we talked amiably about our + neighbors and their little failings; and as I know that you speak of mine + pretty freely, why, let me say, my dear Bessy, that if we have not built + up Our Street between us, at least we have pulled it to pieces. + </p> + <p> + THE BUNGALOW—CAPTAIN AND MRS. BRAGG. + </p> + <p> + Long, long ago, when Our Street was the country—a stagecoach between + us and London passing four times a day—I do not care to own that it + was a sight of Flora Cammysole's face, under the card of her mamma's + "Lodgings to Let," which first caused me to become a tenant of Our Street. + A fine good-humored lass she was then; and I gave her lessons (part out of + the rent) in French and flower-painting. She has made a fine rich marriage + since, although her eyes have often seemed to me to say, "Ah, Mr. T., why + didn't you, when there was yet time, and we both of us were free, propose—you + know what?" "Psha! Where was the money, my dear madam?" + </p> + <p> + Captain Bragg, then occupied in building Bungalow Lodge—Bragg, I + say, living on the first floor, and entertaining sea-captains, merchants, + and East Indian friends with his grand ship's plate, being disappointed in + a project of marrying a director's daughter, who was also a second cousin + once removed of a peer,—sent in a fury for Mrs. Cammysole, his + landlady, and proposed to marry Flora off-hand, and settle four hundred a + year upon her. Flora was ordered from the back-parlor (the ground-floor + occupies the second-floor bedroom), and was on the spot made acquainted + with the splendid offer which the first-floor had made her. She has been + Mrs. Captain Bragg these twelve years. + </p> + <p> + Bragg to this day wears anchor-buttons, and has a dress-coat with a gold + strap for epaulets, in case he should have a fancy to sport them. His + house is covered with portraits, busts, and miniatures of himself. His + wife is made to wear one of the latter. On his sideboard are pieces of + plate, presented by the passengers of the "Ram Chunder" to Captain Bragg: + "The 'Ram Chunder' East Indiaman, in a gale, off Table Bay;" "The + Outward-bound Fleet, under convoy of her Majesty's frigate 'Loblollyboy,' + Captain Gutch, beating off the French squadron, under Commodore Leloup + (the 'Ram Chunder,' S.E. by E., is represented engaged with the 'Mirliton' + corvette);" "The 'Ram Chunder' standing into the Hooghly, with Captain + Bragg, his telescope and speaking-trumpet, on the poop;" "Captain Bragg + presenting the Officers of the 'Ram Chunder' to General Bonaparte at St. + Helena—TITMARSH" (this fine piece was painted by me when I was in + favor with Bragg); in a word, Bragg and the "Ram Chunder" are all over the + house. + </p> + <p> + Although I have eaten scores of dinners at Captain Bragg's charge, yet his + hospitality is so insolent, that none of us who frequent his mahogany feel + any obligation to our braggart entertainer. + </p> + <p> + After he has given one of his great heavy dinners he always takes an + opportunity to tell you, in the most public way, how many bottles of wine + were drunk. His pleasure is to make his guests tipsy, and to tell + everybody how and when the period of inebriation arose. And Miss + Clapperclaw tells me that he often comes over laughing and giggling to + her, and pretending that he has brought ME into this condition—a + calumny which I fling contemptuously in his face. + </p> + <p> + He scarcely gives any but men's parties, and invites the whole club home + to dinner. What is the compliment of being asked, when the whole club is + asked too, I should like to know? Men's parties are only good for boys. I + hate a dinner where there are no women. Bragg sits at the head of his + table, and bullies the solitary Mrs. Bragg. + </p> + <p> + He entertains us with stories of storms which he, Bragg, encountered—of + dinners which he, Bragg, has received from the Governor-General of India—of + jokes which he, Bragg, has heard; and however stale or odious they may be, + poor Mrs. B. is always expected to laugh. + </p> + <p> + Woe be to her if she doesn't, or if she laughs at anybody else's jokes. I + have seen Bragg go up to her and squeeze her arm with a savage grind of + his teeth, and say, with an oath, "Hang it, madam, how dare you laugh when + any man but your husband speaks to you? I forbid you to grin in that way. + I forbid you to look sulky. I forbid you to look happy, or to look up, or + to keep your eyes down to the ground. I desire you will not be trapesing + through the rooms. I order you not to sit as still as a stone." He curses + her if the wine is corked, or if the dinner is spoiled, or if she comes a + minute too soon to the club for him, or arrives a minute too late. He + forbids her to walk, except upon his arm. And the consequence of his ill + treatment is, that Mrs. Cammysole and Mrs. Bragg respect him beyond + measure, and think him the first of human beings. + </p> + <p> + "I never knew a woman who was constantly bullied by her husband who did + not like him the better for it," Miss Clapperclaw says. And though this + speech has some of Clapp's usual sardonic humor in it, I can't but think + there is some truth in the remark. + </p> + <p> + LEVANT HOUSE CHAMBERS. MR. RUMBOLD, A.R.A., AND MISS RUMBOLD. + </p> + <p> + When Lord Levant quitted the country and this neighborhood, in which the + tradesmen still deplore him, No. 56, known as Levantine House, was let to + the "Pococurante Club," which was speedily bankrupt (for we are too far + from the centre of town to support a club of our own); it was subsequently + hired by the West Diddlesex Railroad; and is now divided into sets of + chambers, superintended by an acrimonious housekeeper, and by a porter in + a sham livery: whom, if you don't find him at the door, you may as well + seek at the "Grapes" public-house, in the little lane round the corner. He + varnishes the japan-boots of the dandy lodgers; reads Mr. Pinkney's + Morning Post before he lets him have it; and neglects the letters of the + inmates of the chambers generally. + </p> + <p> + The great rooms, which were occupied as the salons of the noble Levant, + the coffee-rooms of the "Pococurante" (a club where the play was furious, + as I am told), and the board-room and manager's-room of the West + Diddlesex, are tenanted now by a couple of artists: young Pinkney the + miniaturist, and George Rumbold the historical painter. Miss Rumbold, his + sister lives with him, by the way; but with that young lady of course we + have nothing to do. + </p> + <p> + I knew both these gentlemen at Rome, where George wore a velvet doublet + and a beard down to his chest, and used to talk about high art at the + "Caffe Greco." How it smelled of smoke, that velveteen doublet of his, + with which his stringy red beard was likewise perfumed! It was in his + studio that I had the honor to be introduced to his sister, the fair Miss + Clara: she had a large casque with a red horse-hair plume (I thought it + had been a wisp of her brother's beard at first), and held a tin-headed + spear in her hand, representing a Roman warrior in the great picture of + "Caractacus" George was painting—a piece sixty-four feet by + eighteen. The Roman warrior blushed to be discovered in that attitude: the + tin-headed spear trembled in the whitest arm in the world. So she put it + down, and taking off the helmet also, went and sat in a far corner of the + studio, mending George's stockings; whilst we smoked a couple of pipes, + and talked about Raphael being a good deal overrated. + </p> + <p> + I think he is; and have never disguised my opinion about the + "Transfiguration.". And all the time we talked, there were Clara's eyes + looking lucidly out from the dark corner in which she was sitting, working + away at the stockings. The lucky fellow! They were in a dreadful state of + bad repair when she came out to him at Rome, after the death of their + father, the Reverend Miles Rumbold. + </p> + <p> + George, while at Rome, painted "Caractacus;" a picture of "Non Angli sed + Angeli" of course; a picture of "Alfred in the Neatherd's Cottage," + seventy-two feet by forty-eight—(an idea of the gigantic size and + Michel-Angelesque proportions of this picture may be formed, when I state + that the mere muffin, of which the outcast king is spoiling the baking, is + two feet three in diameter) and the deaths of Socrates, of Remus, and of + the Christians under Nero respectively. I shall never forget how lovely + Clara looked in white muslin, with her hair down, in this latter picture, + giving herself up to a ferocious Carnifex (for which Bob Gaunter the + architect sat), and refusing to listen to the mild suggestions of an + insinuating Flamen: which character was a gross caricature of myself. + </p> + <p> + None of George's pictures sold. He has enough to tapestry Trafalgar + Square. He has painted, since he came back to England, "The Flaying of + Marsyas," "The Smothering of the Little Boys in the Tower," "A Plague + Scene during the Great Pestilence," "Ugolino on the Seventh Day after he + was deprived of Victuals," &c. For although these pictures have great + merit, and the writhings of Marsyas, the convulsions of the little prince, + the look of agony of St. Lawrence on the gridiron, &c. are quite true + to nature, yet the subjects somehow are not agreeable; and if he hadn't a + small patrimony, my friend George would starve. + </p> + <p> + Fondness for art leads me a great deal to his studio. George is a + gentleman, and has very good friends, and good pluck too. When we were at + Rome, there was a great row between him and young Heeltap, Lord Boxmoor's + son, who was uncivil to Miss Rumbold; (the young scoundrel—had I + been a fighting man, I should like to have shot him myself!). Lady Betty + Bulbul is very fond of Clara; and Tom Bulbul, who took George's message to + Heeltap, is always hanging about the studio. At least I know that I find + the young jackanapes there almost every day, bringing a new novel, or some + poisonous French poetry, or a basket of flowers, or grapes, with Lady + Betty's love to her dear Clara—a young rascal with white kids, and + his hair curled every morning. What business has HE to be dangling about + George Rumbold's premises, and sticking up his ugly pug-face as a model + for all George's pictures? + </p> + <p> + Miss Clapperclaw says Bulbul is evidently smitten, and Clara too. What! + would she put up with such a little fribble as that, when there is a man + of intellect and taste who—but I won't believe it. It is all the + jealousy of women. + </p> + <p> + SOME OF THE SERVANTS IN OUR STREET. + </p> + <p> + These gentlemen have two clubs in our quarter—for the butlers at the + "Indiaman," and for the gents in livery at the "Pocklington Arms"—of + either of which societies I should like to be a member. I am sure they + could not be so dull as our club at the "Poluphloisboio," where one meets + the same neat, clean, respectable old fogies every day. + </p> + <p> + But with the best wishes, it is impossible for the present writer to join + either the "Plate Club" or the "Uniform Club" (as these reunions are + designated); for one could not shake hands with a friend who was standing + behind your chair, or nod a How-d'ye-do? to the butler who was pouring you + out a glass of wine;—so that what I know about the gents in our + neighborhood is from mere casual observation. For instance, I have a + slight acquaintance with (1) Thomas Spavin, who commonly wears an air of + injured innocence, and is groom to Mr. Joseph Green, of Our Street. "I + tell why the brougham 'oss is out of condition, and why Desperation broke + out all in a lather! 'Osses will, this 'eavy weather; and Desperation was + always the most mystest hoss I ever see.—I take him out with Mr. + Anderson's 'ounds—I'm above it. I allis was too timid to ride to + 'ounds by natur; and Colonel Sprigs' groom as says he saw me, is a liar," + &c. &c. + </p> + <p> + Such is the tenor of Mr. Spavin's remarks to his master. Whereas all the + world in Our Street knows that Mr. Spavin spends at least a hundred a year + in beer; that he keeps a betting-book; that he has lent Mr. Green's black + brougham horse to the omnibus driver; and, at a time when Mr. G. supposed + him at the veterinary surgeon's, has lent him to a livery stable, which + has let him out to that gentleman himself, and actually driven him to + dinner behind his own horse. + </p> + <p> + This conduct I can understand, but I cannot excuse—Mr. Spavin may; + and I leave the matter to be settled betwixt himself and Mr. Green. + </p> + <p> + The second is Monsieur Sinbad, Mr. Clarence Bulbul's man, whom we all hate + Clarence for keeping. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Sinbad is a foreigner, speaking no known language, but a mixture of + every European dialect—so that he may be an Italian brigand, or a + Tyrolese minstrel, or a Spanish smuggler, for what we know. I have heard + say that he is neither of these, but an Irish Jew. + </p> + <p> + He wears studs, hair-oil, jewellery, and linen shirt-fronts, very finely + embroidered, but not particular for whiteness. He generally appears in + faded velvet waistcoats of a morning, and is always perfumed with stale + tobacco. He wears large rings on his hands, which look as if he kept them + up the chimney. + </p> + <p> + He does not appear to do anything earthly for Clarence Bulbul, except to + smoke his cigars, and to practise on his guitar. He will not answer a + bell, nor fetch a glass of water, nor go of an errand on which, au reste, + Clarence dares not send him, being entirely afraid of his servant, and not + daring to use him, or to abuse him, or to send him away. + </p> + <p> + 3. Adams—Mr. Champignon's man—a good old man in an old livery + coat with old worsted lace—so very old, deaf, surly, and faithful, + that you wonder how he should have got into the family at all; who never + kept a footman till last year, when they came into the street. + </p> + <p> + Miss Clapperclaw says she believes Adams to be Mrs. Champignon's father, + and he certainly has a look of that lady; as Miss C. pointed out to me at + dinner one night, whilst old Adams was blundering about amongst the hired + men from Gunter's, and falling over the silver dishes. + </p> + <p> + 4. Fipps, the buttoniest page in all the street: walks behind Mrs. Grimsby + with her prayer-book, and protects her. + </p> + <p> + "If that woman wants a protector" (a female acquaintance remarks), "heaven + be good to us! She is as big as an ogress, and has an upper lip which many + a cornet of the Lifeguards might envy. Her poor dear husband was a big + man, and she could beat him easily; and did too. Mrs. Grimsby indeed! Why, + my dear Mr. Titmarsh, it is Glumdalca walking with Tom Thumb." + </p> + <p> + This observation of Miss C.'s is very true, and Mrs. Grimsby might carry + her prayer-book to church herself. But Miss Clapperclaw, who is pretty + well able to take care of herself too, was glad enough to have the + protection of the page when she went out in the fly to pay visits, and + before Mrs. Grimsby and she quarrelled at whist at Lady Pocklington's. + </p> + <p> + After this merely parenthetic observation, we come to 5, one of her + ladyship's large men, Mr. Jeames—a gentleman of vast stature and + proportions, who is almost nose to nose with us as we pass her ladyship's + door on the outside of the omnibus. I think Jeames has a contempt for a + man whom he witnesses in that position. I have fancied something like that + feeling showed itself (as far as it may in a well-bred gentleman + accustomed to society) in his behavior, while waiting behind my chair at + dinner. + </p> + <p> + But I take Jeames to be, like most giants, good-natured, lazy, stupid, + soft-hearted, and extremely fond of drink. One night, his lady being + engaged to dinner at Nightingale House, I saw Mr. Jeames resting himself + on a bench at the "Pocklington Arms:" where, as he had no liquor before + him, he had probably exhausted his credit. + </p> + <p> + Little Spitfire, Mr. Clarence Bulbul's boy, the wickedest little varlet + that ever hung on to a cab, was "chaffing" Mr. Jeames, holding up to his + face a pot of porter almost as big as the young potifer himself. + </p> + <p> + "Vill you now, Big'un, or von't you?" Spitfire said. "If you're thirsty, + vy don't you say so and squench it, old boy?" + </p> + <p> + "Don't ago on making fun of me—I can't abear chaffin'," was the + reply of Mr. Jeames, and tears actually stood in his fine eyes as he + looked at the porter and the screeching little imp before him. + </p> + <p> + Spitfire (real name unknown) gave him some of the drink: I am happy to say + Jeames's face wore quite a different look when it rose gasping out of the + porter; and I judge of his dispositions from the above trivial incident. + </p> + <p> + The last boy in the sketch, 6, need scarcely be particularized. Doctor's + boy; was a charity-boy; stripes evidently added on to a pair of the + doctor's clothes of last year—Miss Clapperclaw pointed this out to + me with a giggle. Nothing escapes that old woman. + </p> + <p> + As we were walking in Kensington Gardens, she pointed me out Mrs. Bragg's + nursery-maid, who sings so loud at church, engaged with a Lifeguardsman, + whom she was trying to convert probably. My virtuous friend rose indignant + at the sight. + </p> + <p> + "That's why these minxes like Kensington Gardens," she cried. "Look at the + woman: she leaves the baby on the grass, for the giant to trample upon; + and that little wretch of a Hastings Bragg is riding on the monster's + cane." + </p> + <p> + Miss C. flew up and seized the infant, waking it out of its sleep, and + causing all the gardens to echo with its squalling. "I'll teach you to be + impudent to me," she said to the nursery-maid, with whom my vivacious old + friend, I suppose, has had a difference; and she would not release the + infant until she had rung the bell of Bungalow Lodge, where she gave it up + to the footman. + </p> + <p> + The giant in scarlet had slunk down towards Knightsbridge meanwhile. The + big rogues are always crossing the Park and the Gardens, and hankering + about Our Street. + </p> + <p> + WHAT SOMETIMES HAPPENS IN OUR STREET. + </p> + <p> + It was before old Hunkington's house that the mutes were standing, as I + passed and saw this group at the door. The charity-boy with the hoop is + the son of the jolly-looking mute; he admires his father, who admires + himself too, in those bran-new sables. The other infants are the spawn of + the alleys about Our Street. Only the parson and the typhus fever visit + those mysterious haunts, which lie crouched about our splendid houses like + Lazarus at the threshold of Dives. + </p> + <p> + Those little ones come crawling abroad in the sunshine, to the annoyance + of the beadles, and the horror of a number of good people in the street. + They will bring up the rear of the procession anon, when the grand omnibus + with the feathers, and the line coaches with the long-tailed black horses, + and the gentleman's private carriages with the shutters up, pass along to + Saint Waltheof's. + </p> + <p> + You can hear the slow bell tolling clear in the sunshine already, mingling + with the crowing of "Punch," who is passing down the street with his show; + and the two musics make a queer medley. + </p> + <p> + Not near so many people, I remark, engage "Punch" now as in the good old + times. I suppose our quarter is growing too genteel for him. + </p> + <p> + Miss Bridget Jones, a poor curate's daughter in Wales, comes into all + Hunkington's property, and will take his name, as I am told. Nobody ever + heard of her before. I am sure Captain Hunkington, and his brother + Barnwell Hunkington, must wish that the lucky young lady had never been + heard of to the present day. + </p> + <p> + But they will have the consolation of thinking that they did their duty by + their uncle, and consoled his declining years. It was but last month that + Millwood Hunkington (the Captain) sent the old gentleman a service of + plate; and Mrs. Barnwell got a reclining carriage at a great expense from + Hobbs and Dobbs's, in which the old gentleman went out only once. + </p> + <p> + "It is a punishment on those Hunkingtons," Miss Clapperclaw remarks: "upon + those people who have been always living beyond their little incomes, and + always speculating upon what the old man would leave them, and always + coaxing him with presents which they could not afford, and he did not + want. It is a punishment upon those Hunkingtons to be so disappointed." + </p> + <p> + "Think of giving him plate," Miss C. justly says, "who had chests-full; + and sending him a carriage, who could afford to buy all Long Acre. And + everything goes to Miss Jones Hunkington. I wonder will she give the + things back?" Miss Clapperclaw asks. "I wouldn't." + </p> + <p> + And indeed I don't think Miss Clapperclaw would. + </p> + <p> + SOMEBODY WHOM NOBODY KNOWS. + </p> + <p> + That pretty little house, the last in Pocklington Square, was lately + occupied by a young widow lady who wore a pink bonnet, a short silk dress, + sustained by a crinoline, and a light blue mantle, or over-jacket (Miss C. + is not here to tell me the name of the garment); or else a black velvet + pelisse, a yellow shawl, and a white bonnet; or else—but never mind + the dress, which seemed to be of the handsomest sort money could buy—and + who had very long glossy black ringlets, and a peculiarly brilliant + complexion,—No. 96, Pocklington Square, I say, was lately occupied + by a widow lady named Mrs. Stafford Molyneux. + </p> + <p> + The very first day on which an intimate and valued female friend of mine + saw Mrs. Stafford Molyneux stepping into a brougham, with a splendid bay + horse, and without a footman, (mark, if you please, that delicate sign of + respectability,) and after a moment's examination of Mrs. S. M.'s + toilette, her manners, little dog, carnation-colored parasol, &c., + Miss Elizabeth Clapperclaw clapped to the opera-glass with which she had + been regarding the new inhabitant of Our Street, came away from the window + in a great flurry, and began poking her fire in a fit of virtuous + indignation. + </p> + <p> + "She's very pretty," said I, who had been looking over Miss C.'s shoulder + at the widow with the flashing eyes and drooping ringlets. + </p> + <p> + "Hold your tongue, sir," said Miss Clapperclaw, tossing up her virgin head + with an indignant blush on her nose. "It's a sin and a shame that such a + creature should be riding in her carriage, forsooth, when honest people + must go on foot." + </p> + <p> + Subsequent observations confirmed my revered fellow-lodger's anger and + opinion. We have watched Hansom cabs standing before that lady's house for + hours; we have seen broughams, with great flaring eyes, keeping watch + there in the darkness; we have seen the vans from the comestible-shops + drive up and discharge loads of wines, groceries, French plums, and other + articles of luxurious horror. We have seen Count Wowski's drag, Lord + Martingale's carriage, Mr. Deuceace's cab drive up there time after time; + and (having remarked previously the pastry-cook's men arrive with the + trays and entrees), we have known that this widow was giving dinners at + the little house in Pocklington Square—dinners such as decent people + could not hope to enjoy. + </p> + <p> + My excellent friend has been in a perfect fury when Mrs. Stafford + Molyneux, in a black velvet riding-habit, with a hat and feather, has come + out and mounted an odious gray horse, and has cantered down the street, + followed by her groom upon a bay. + </p> + <p> + "It won't last long—it must end in shame and humiliation," my dear + Miss C. has remarked, disappointed that the tiles and chimney-pots did not + fall down upon Mrs. Stafford Molyneux's head, and crush that cantering, + audacious woman. + </p> + <p> + But it was a consolation to see her when she walked out with a French + maid, a couple of children, and a little dog hanging on to her by a blue + ribbon. She always held down her head then—her head with the + drooping black ringlets. The virtuous and well-disposed avoided her. I + have seen the Square-keeper himself look puzzled as she passed; and Lady + Kicklebury walking by with Miss K., her daughter, turn away from Mrs. + Stafford Molyneux, and fling back at her a ruthless Parthian glance that + ought to have killed any woman of decent sensibility. + </p> + <p> + That wretched woman, meanwhile, with her rouged cheeks (for rouge it IS, + Miss Clapperclaw swears, and who is a better judge?) has walked on + conscious, and yet somehow braving out the Street. You could read pride of + her beauty, pride of her fine clothes, shame of her position, in her + downcast black eyes. + </p> + <p> + As for Mademoiselle Trampoline, her French maid, she would stare the sun + itself out of countenance. One day she tossed up her head as she passed + under our windows with a look of scorn that drove Miss Clapperclaw back to + the fireplace again. + </p> + <p> + It was Mrs. Stafford Molyneux's children, however, whom I pitied the most. + Once her boy, in a flaring tartan, went up to speak to Master Roderick + Lacy, whose maid was engaged ogling a policeman; and the children were + going to make friends, being united with a hoop which Master Molyneux had, + when Master Roderick's maid, rushing up, clutched her charge to her arms, + and hurried away, leaving little Molyneux sad and wondering. + </p> + <p> + "Why won't he play with me, mamma?" Master Molyneux asked—and his + mother's face blushed purple as she walked away. + </p> + <p> + "Ah—heaven help us and forgive us!" said I; but Miss C. can never + forgive the mother or child; and she clapped her hands for joy one day + when we saw the shutters up, bills in the windows, a carpet hanging out + over the balcony, and a crowd of shabby Jews about the steps—giving + token that the reign of Mrs. Stafford Molyneux was over. The pastry-cooks + and their trays, the bay and the gray, the brougham and the groom, the + noblemen and their cabs, were all gone; and the tradesmen in the + neighborhood were crying out that they were done. + </p> + <p> + "Serve the odious minx right!" says Miss C.; and she played at piquet that + night with more vigor than I have known her manifest for these last ten + years. + </p> + <p> + What is it that makes certain old ladies so savage upon certain subjects? + Miss C. is a good woman; pays her rent and her tradesmen; gives plenty to + the poor; is brisk with her tongue—kind-hearted in the main; but if + Mrs. Stafford Molyneux and her children were plunged into a caldron of + boiling vinegar, I think my revered friend would not take them out. + </p> + <p> + THE MAN IN POSSESSION. + </p> + <p> + For another misfortune which occurred in Our Street we were much more + compassionate. We liked Danby Dixon, and his wife Fanny Dixon still more. + Miss C. had a paper of biscuits and a box of preserved apricots always in + the cupboard, ready for Dixon's children—provisions by the way which + she locked up under Mrs. Cammysole's nose, so that our landlady could by + no possibility lay a hand on them. + </p> + <p> + Dixon and his wife had the neatest little house possible, (No. 16, + opposite 96,) and were liked and respected by the whole street. He was + called Dandy Dixon when he was in the dragoons, and was a light weight, + and rather famous as a gentleman rider. On his marriage, he sold out and + got fat: and was indeed a florid, contented, and jovial gentleman. + </p> + <p> + His little wife was charming—to see her in pink with some miniature + Dixons, in pink too, round about her, or in that beautiful gray dress, + with the deep black lace flounces, which she wore at my Lord Comandine's + on the night of the private theatricals, would have done any man good. To + hear her sing any of my little ballads, "Knowest Thou the Willow-tree?" + for instance, or "The Rose upon my Balcony," or "The Humming of the + Honey-bee," (far superior in MY judgment, and in that of SOME GOOD JUDGES + likewise, to that humbug Clarence Bulbul's ballads,)—to hear her, I + say, sing these, was to be in a sort of small Elysium. Dear, dear little + Fanny Dixon! she was like a little chirping bird of Paradise. It was a + shame that storms should ever ruffle such a tender plumage. + </p> + <p> + Well, never mind about sentiment. Danby Dixon, the owner of this little + treasure, an ex-captain of Dragoons, and having nothing to do, and a small + income, wisely thought he would employ his spare time, and increase his + revenue. He became a director of the Cornaro Life Insurance Company, of + the Tregulpho tin-mines, and of four or five railroad companies. It was + amusing to see him swaggering about the City in his clinking boots, and + with his high and mighty dragoon manners. For a time his talk about shares + after dinner was perfectly intolerable; and I for one was always glad to + leave him in the company of sundry very dubious capitalists who frequented + his house, and walk up to hear Mrs. Fanny warbling at the piano with her + little children about her knees. + </p> + <p> + It was only last season that they set up a carriage—the modestest + little vehicle conceivable—driven by Kirby, who had been in Dixon's + troop in the regiment, and had followed him into private life as coachman, + footman, and page. + </p> + <p> + One day lately I went into Dixon's house, hearing that some calamities had + befallen him, the particulars of which Miss Clapperclaw was desirous to + know. The creditors of the Tregulpho Mines had got a verdict against him + as one of the directors of that company; the engineer of the Little + Diddlesex Junction had sued him for two thousand three hundred pounds—the + charges of that scientific man for six weeks' labor in surveying the line. + His brother directors were to be discovered nowhere: Windham, Dodgin, + Mizzlington, and the rest, were all gone long ago. + </p> + <p> + When I entered, the door was open: there was a smell of smoke in the + dining-room, where a gentleman at noonday was seated with a pipe and a pot + of beer: a man in possession indeed, in that comfortable pretty parlor, by + that snug round table where I have so often seen Fanny Dixon's smiling + face. + </p> + <p> + Kirby, the ex-dragoon, was scowling at the fellow, who lay upon a little + settee reading the newspaper, with an evident desire to kill him. Mrs. + Kirby, his wife, held little Danby, poor Dixon's son and heir. Dixon's + portrait smiled over the sideboard still, and his wife was up stairs in an + agony of fear, with the poor little daughters of this bankrupt, broken + family. + </p> + <p> + This poor soul had actually come down and paid a visit to the man in + possession. She had sent wine and dinner to "the gentleman down stairs," + as she called him in her terror. She had tried to move his heart, by + representing to him how innocent Captain Dixon was, and how he had always + paid, and always remained at home when everybody else had fled. As if her + tears and simple tales and entreaties could move that man in possession + out of the house, or induce him to pay the costs of the action which her + husband had lost. + </p> + <p> + Danby meanwhile was at Boulogne, sickening after his wife and children. + They sold everything in his house—all his smart furniture and neat + little stock of plate; his wardrobe and his linen, "the property of a + gentleman gone abroad;" his carriage by the best maker; and his wine + selected without regard to expense. His house was shut up as completely as + his opposite neighbor's; and a new tenant is just having it fresh painted + inside and out, as if poor Dixon had left an infection behind. + </p> + <p> + Kirby and his wife went across the water with the children and Mrs. Fanny—she + has a small settlement; and I am bound to say that our mutual friend Miss + Elizabeth C. went down with Mrs. Dixon in the fly to the Tower Stairs, and + stopped in Lombard Street by the way. + </p> + <p> + So it is that the world wags: that honest men and knaves alike are always + having ups and downs of fortune, and that we are perpetually changing + tenants in Our Street. + </p> + <p> + THE LION OF THE STREET. + </p> + <p> + What people can find in Clarence Bulbul, who has lately taken upon himself + the rank and dignity of Lion of Our Street, I have always been at a loss + to conjecture. + </p> + <p> + "He has written an Eastern book of considerable merit," Miss Clapperclaw + says; but hang it, has not everybody written an Eastern book? I should + like to meet anybody in society now who has not been up to the second + cataract. An Eastern book forsooth! My Lord Castleroyal has done one—an + honest one; my Lord Youngent another—an amusing one; my Lord Woolsey + another—a pious one; there is "The Cutlet and the Cabob"—a + sentimental one; "Timbuctoothen"—a humorous one, all ludicrously + overrated, in my opinion: not including my own little book, of which a + copy or two is still to be had, by the way. + </p> + <p> + Well, then, Clarence Bulbul, because he has made part of the little tour + that all of us know, comes back and gives himself airs, forsooth, and + howls as if he were just out of the great Libyan desert. + </p> + <p> + When we go and see him, that Irish Jew courier, whom I have before had the + honor to describe, looks up from the novel which he is reading in the + ante-room, and says, "Mon maitre est au divan," or, "Monsieur trouvera + Monsieur dans son serail," and relapses into the Comte de Montecristo + again. + </p> + <p> + Yes, the impudent wretch has actually a room in his apartments on the + ground-floor of his mother's house, which he calls his harem. When Lady + Betty Bulbul (they are of the Nightingale family) or Miss Blanche comes + down to visit him, their slippers are placed at the door, and he receives + them on an ottoman, and these infatuated women will actually light his + pipe for him. + </p> + <p> + Little Spitfire, the groom, hangs about the drawing-room, outside the + harem forsooth! so that he may be ready when Clarence Bulbul claps hands + for him to bring the pipes and coffee. + </p> + <p> + He has coffee and pipes for everybody. I should like you to have seen the + face of old Bowly, his college-tutor, called upon to sit cross-legged on a + divan, a little cup of bitter black Mocha put into his hand, and a large + amber-muzzled pipe stuck into his mouth by Spitfire, before he could so + much as say it was a fine day. Bowly almost thought he had compromised his + principles by consenting so far to this Turkish manner. + </p> + <p> + Bulbul's dinners are, I own, very good; his pilaffs and curries excellent. + He tried to make us eat rice with our fingers, it is true; but he scalded + his own hands in the business, and invariably bedizened his shirt; so he + has left off the Turkish practice, for dinner at least, and uses a fork + like a Christian. + </p> + <p> + But it is in society that he is most remarkable; and here he would, I own, + be odious, but he becomes delightful, because all the men hate him so. A + perfect chorus of abuse is raised round about him. "Confounded impostor," + says one; "Impudent jackass," says another; "Miserable puppy," cries a + third; "I'd like to wring his neck," says Bruff, scowling over his + shoulder at him. Clarence meanwhile nods, winks, smiles, and patronizes + them all with the easiest good-humor. He is a fellow who would poke an + archbishop in the apron, or clap a duke on the shoulder, as coolly as he + would address you and me. + </p> + <p> + I saw him the other night at Mrs. Bumpsher's grand let-off. He flung + himself down cross-legged on a pink satin sofa, so that you could see Mrs. + Bumpsher quiver with rage in the distance, Bruff growl with fury from the + further room, and Miss Pim, on whose frock Bulbul's feet rested, look up + like a timid fawn. + </p> + <p> + "Fan me, Miss Pim," said he of the cushion. "You look like a perfect Peri + to-night. You remind me of a girl I once knew in Circassia—Ameena, + the sister of Schamyl Bey. Do you know, Miss Pim, that you would fetch + twenty thousand piastres in the market at Constantinople?" + </p> + <p> + "Law, Mr. Bulbul!" is all Miss Pim can ejaculate; and having talked over + Miss Pim, Clarence goes off to another houri, whom he fascinates in a + similar manner. He charmed Mrs. Waddy by telling her that she was the + exact figure of the Pasha of Egypt's second wife. He gave Miss Tokely a + piece of the sack in which Zuleika was drowned; and he actually persuaded + that poor little silly Miss Vain to turn Mahometan, and sent her up to the + Turkish ambassador's to look out for a mufti. + </p> + <p> + THE DOVE OF OUR STREET. + </p> + <p> + If Bulbul is our Lion, Young Oriel may be described as The Dove of our + colony. He is almost as great a pasha among the ladies as Bulbul. They + crowd in flocks to see him at Saint Waltheof's, where the immense height + of his forehead, the rigid asceticism of his surplice, the twang with + which he intones the service, and the namby-pamby mysticism of his + sermons, have turned all the dear girls' heads for some time past. While + we were having a rubber at Mrs. Chauntry's, whose daughters are following + the new mode, I heard the following talk (which made me revoke by the way) + going on, in what was formerly called the young ladies' room, but is now + styled the Oratory:— + </p> + <p> + THE ORATORY. MISS CHAUNTRY. MISS ISABEL CHAUNTRY. MISS DE L'AISLE. MISS + PYX. + </p> + <p> + REV. L. ORIEL. REV. O. SLOCUM—[In the further room.] + </p> + <p> + Miss Chauntry (sighing).—Is it wrong to be in the Guards, dear Mr. + Oriel? + </p> + <p> + Miss Pyx.—She will make Frank de Boots sell out when he marries. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Oriel.—To be in the Guards, dear sister? The church has always + encouraged the army. Saint Martin of Tours was in the army; Saint Louis + was in the army; Saint Waltheof, our patron, Saint Witikind of + Aldermanbury, Saint Wamba, and Saint Walloff were in the army. Saint + Wapshot was captain of the guard of Queen Boadicea; and Saint Werewolf was + a major in the Danish cavalry. The holy Saint Ignatius of Loyola carried a + pike, as we know; and— + </p> + <p> + Miss De l'Aisle.—Will you take some tea, dear Mr. Oriel? + </p> + <p> + Oriel.—This is not one of MY feast days, Sister Emma. It is the + feast of Saint Wagstatf of Walthamstow. + </p> + <p> + The Young Ladies.—And we must not even take tea? + </p> + <p> + Oriel.—Dear sisters, I said not so. YOU may do as you list; but I am + strong (with a heart-broken sigh); don't ply me (he reels). I took a + little water and a parched pea after matins. To-morrow is a flesh day, and—and + I shall be better then. + </p> + <p> + Rev. O. Slocum (from within).—Madam, I take your heart with my small + trump. + </p> + <p> + Oriel.—Yes, better! dear sister; it is only a passing—a—weakness. + </p> + <p> + Miss I. Chauntry.—He's dying of fever. + </p> + <p> + Miss Chauntry.—I'm so glad De Boots need not leave the Blues. + </p> + <p> + Miss Pyx.—He wears sackcloth and cinders inside his waistcoat. + </p> + <p> + Miss De l'Aisle.—He's told me to-night he's going to—to—Ro-o-ome. + [Miss De l'Aisle bursts into tears.] + </p> + <p> + Rev. O. Slocum.—My lord, I have the highest club, which gives the + trick and two by honors. + </p> + <p> + Thus, you see, we have a variety of clergymen in Our Street. Mr. Oriel is + of the pointed Gothic school, while old Slocum is of the good old tawny + port-wine school: and it must be confessed that Mr. Gronow, at Ebenezer, + has a hearty abhorrence for both. + </p> + <p> + As for Gronow, I pity him, if his future lot should fall where Mr. Oriel + supposes that it will. + </p> + <p> + And as for Oriel, he has not even the benefit of purgatory, which he would + accord to his neighbor Ebenezer; while old Slocum pronounces both to be a + couple of humbugs; and Mr. Mole, the demure little beetle-browed chaplain + of the little church of Avemary Lane, keeps his sly eyes down to the + ground when he passes any one of his black-coated brethren. + </p> + <p> + There is only one point on which, my friends, they seem agreed. Slocum + likes port, but who ever heard that he neglected his poor? Gronow, if he + comminates his neighbor's congregation, is the affectionate father of his + own. Oriel, if he loves pointed Gothic and parched peas for breakfast, has + a prodigious soup-kitchen for his poor; and as for little Father Mole, who + never lifts his eyes from the ground, ask our doctor at what bedsides he + finds him, and how he soothes poverty, and braves misery and infection. + </p> + <p> + THE BUMPSHERS. + </p> + <p> + No. 6, Pocklington Gardens, (the house with the quantity of flowers in the + windows, and the awning over the entrance,) George Bumpsher, Esquire, M.P. + for Humborough (and the Beanstalks, Kent). + </p> + <p> + For some time after this gorgeous family came into our quarter, I mistook + a bald-headed, stout person, whom I used to see looking through the + flowers on the upper windows, for Bumpsher himself, or for the butler of + the family; whereas it was no other than Mrs. Bumpsher, without her + chestnut wig, and who is at least three times the size of her husband. + </p> + <p> + The Bumpshers and the house of Mango at the Pineries vie together in their + desire to dominate over the neighborhood; and each votes the other a + vulgar and purse-proud family. The fact is, both are City people. + Bumpsher, in his mercantile capacity, is a wholesale stationer in Thames + Street; and his wife was the daughter of an eminent bill-broking firm, not + a thousand miles from Lombard Street. + </p> + <p> + He does not sport a coronet and supporters upon his London plate and + carriages; but his country-house is emblazoned all over with those + heraldic decorations. He puts on an order when he goes abroad, and is + Count Bumpsher of the Roman States—which title he purchased from the + late Pope (through Prince Polonia the banker) for a couple of thousand + scudi. + </p> + <p> + It is as good as a coronation to see him and Mrs. Bumpsher go to Court. I + wonder the carriage can hold them both. On those days Mrs. Bumpsher holds + her own drawing-room before her Majesty's; and we are invited to come and + see her sitting in state, upon the largest sofa in her rooms. She has need + of a stout one, I promise you. Her very feathers must weigh something + considerable. The diamonds on her stomacher would embroider a full-sized + carpet-bag. She has rubies, ribbons, cameos, emeralds, gold serpents, + opals, and Valenciennes lace, as if she were an immense sample out of + Howell and James's shop. + </p> + <p> + She took up with little Pinkney at Rome, where he made a charming picture + of her, representing her as about eighteen, with a cherub in her lap, who + has some liking to Bryanstone Bumpsher, her enormous, vulgar son; now a + cornet in the Blues, and anything but a cherub, as those would say who saw + him in his uniform jacket. + </p> + <p> + I remember Pinkney when he was painting the picture, Bryanstone being then + a youth in what they call a skeleton suit (as if such a pig of a child + could ever have been dressed in anything resembling a skeleton)—I + remember, I say, Mrs. B. sitting to Pinkney in a sort of Egerian costume, + her boy by her side, whose head the artist turned round and directed it + towards a piece of gingerbread, which he was to have at the end of the + sitting. + </p> + <p> + Pinkney, indeed, a painter!—a contemptible little humbug, a parasite + of the great! He has painted Mrs. Bumpsher younger every year for these + last ten years—and you see in the advertisements of all her parties + his odious little name stuck in at the end of the list. I'm sure, for my + part, I'd scorn to enter her doors, or be the toady of any woman. + </p> + <p> + JOLLY NEWBOY, ESQ., M.P. + </p> + <p> + How different it is with the Newboys, now, where I have an entree (having + indeed had the honor in former days to give lessons to both the ladies)—and + where such a quack as Pinkney would never be allowed to enter! A merrier + house the whole quarter cannot furnish. It is there you meet people of all + ranks and degrees, not only from our quarter, but from the rest of the + town. It is there that our great man, the Right Honorable Lord Comandine, + came up and spoke to me in so encouraging a manner that I hope to be + invited to one of his lordship's excellent dinners (of which I shall not + fail to give a very flattering description) before the season is over. It + is there you find yourself talking to statesmen, poets, and artists—not + sham poets like Bulbul, or quack artists like that Pinkney—but to + the best members of all society. It is there I made this sketch, while + Miss Chesterforth was singing a deep-toned tragic ballad, and her mother + scowling behind her. What a buzz and clack and chatter there was in the + room to be sure! When Miss Chesterforth sings, everybody begins to talk. + Hicks and old Fogy were on Ireland: Bass was roaring into old Pump's ears + (or into his horn rather) about the Navigation Laws; I was engaged talking + to the charming Mrs. Short; while Charley Bonham (a mere prig, in whom I + am surprised that the women can see anything,) was pouring out his fulsome + rhapsodies in the ears of Diana White. Lovely, lovely Diana White! were it + not for three or four other engagements, I know a heart that would suit + you to a T. + </p> + <p> + Newboy's I pronounce to be the jolliest house in the street. He has only + of late had a rush of prosperity, and turned Parliament man; for his + distant cousin, of the ancient house of Newboy of ——shire, + dying, Fred—then making believe to practise at the bar, and living + with the utmost modesty in Gray's Inn Road—found himself master of a + fortune, and a great house in the country; of which getting tired, as in + the course of nature he should, he came up to London, and took that fine + mansion in our Gardens. He represents Mumborough in Parliament, a seat + which has been time out of mind occupied by a Newboy. + </p> + <p> + Though he does not speak, being a great deal too rich, sensible, and lazy, + he somehow occupies himself with reading blue-books, and indeed talks a + great deal too much good sense of late over his dinner-table, where there + is always a cover for the present writer. + </p> + <p> + He falls asleep pretty assiduously too after that meal—a practice + which I can well pardon in him—for, between ourselves, his wife, + Maria Newboy, and his sister, Clarissa, are the loveliest and kindest of + their sex, and I would rather hear their innocent prattle, and lively talk + about their neighbors, than the best wisdom from the wisest man that ever + wore a beard. + </p> + <p> + Like a wise and good man, he leaves the question of his household entirely + to the women. They like going to the play. They like going to Greenwich. + They like coming to a party at Bachelor's hall. They are up to all sorts + of fun, in a word; in which taste the good-natured Newboy acquiesces, + provided he is left to follow his own. + </p> + <p> + It was only on the 17th of the month, that, having had the honor to dine + at the house, when, after dinner, which took place at eight, we left + Newboy to his blue-books, and went up stairs and sang a little to the + guitar afterwards—it was only on the 17th December, the night of + Lady Sowerby's party, that the following dialogue took place in the + boudoir, whither Newboy, blue-books in hand, had ascended. + </p> + <p> + He was curled up with his House of Commons boots on his wife's arm-chair, + reading his eternal blue-books, when Mrs. N. entered from her apartment, + dressed for the evening. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. N.—Frederick, won't you come? + </p> + <p> + Mr. N.—Where? + </p> + <p> + Mrs. N.—To Lady Sowerby's. + </p> + <p> + Mr. N.—I'd rather go to the Black Hole in Calcutta. Besides, this + Sanitary Report is really the most interesting—[he begins to read.] + </p> + <p> + Mrs. N.—(piqued)—Well, Mr. Titmarsh will go with us. + </p> + <p> + Mr. N.—Will he? I wish him joy. + </p> + <p> + At this juncture Miss Clarissa Newboy enters in a pink paletot, trimmed + with swansdown—looking like an angel—and we exchange glances + of—what shall I say?—of sympathy on both parts, and consummate + rapture on mine. But this is by-play. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. N.—Good night, Frederick. I think we shall be late. + </p> + <p> + Mr. N.—You won't wake me, I dare say; and you don't expect a public + man to sit up. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. N.—It's not you, it's the servants. Cocker sleeps very heavily. + The maids are best in bed, and are all ill with the influenza. I say, + Frederick dear, don't you think you had better give me YOUR CHUBB KEY? + </p> + <p> + This astonishing proposal, which violates every recognized law of society—this + demand which alters all the existing state of things—this fact of a + woman asking for a door-key, struck me with a terror which I cannot + describe, and impressed me with the fact of the vast progress of Our + Street. The door-key! What would our grandmothers, who dwelt in this place + when it was a rustic suburb, think of its condition now, when husbands + stay at home, and wives go abroad with the latchkey? + </p> + <p> + The evening at Lady Sowerby's was the most delicious we have spent for + long, long days. + </p> + <p> + Thus it will be seen that everybody of any consideration in Our Street + takes a line. Mrs. Minimy (34) takes the homoeopathic line, and has + soirees of doctors of that faith. Lady Pocklington takes the capitalist + line; and those stupid and splendid dinners of hers are devoured by + loan-contractors and railroad princes. Mrs. Trimmer (38) comes out in the + scientific line, and indulges us in rational evenings, where history is + the lightest subject admitted, and geology and the sanitary condition of + the metropolis form the general themes of conversation. Mrs. Brumby plays + finely on the bassoon, and has evenings dedicated to Sebastian Bach, and + enlivened with Handel. At Mrs. Maskleyn's they are mad for charades and + theatricals. + </p> + <p> + They performed last Christmas in a French piece, by Alexandre Dumas, I + believe—"La Duchesse de Montefiasco," of which I forget the plot, + but everybody was in love with everybody else's wife, except the hero, Don + Alonzo, who was ardently attached to the Duchess, who turned out to be his + grandmother. The piece was translated by Lord Fiddle-faddle, Tom Bulbul + being the Don Alonzo; and Mrs. Roland Calidore (who never misses an + opportunity of acting in a piece in which she can let down her hair) was + the Duchess. + </p> + <p> + ALONZO. + </p> + <p> + You know how well he loves you, and you wonder To see Alonzo suffer, + Cunegunda?—Ask if the chamois suffer when they feel Plunged in their + panting sides the hunter's steel? Or when the soaring heron or eagle + proud, Pierced by my shaft, comes tumbling from the cloud, Ask if the + royal birds no anguish know, The victims of Alonzo's twanging bow? Then + ask him if he suffers—him who dies, Pierced by the poisoned glance + that glitters from your eyes! [He staggers from the effect of the poison. + </p> + <p> + THE DUCHESS. + </p> + <p> + Alonzo loves—Alonzo loves! and whom? His grandmother! Oh, hide me, + gracious tomb! [Her Grace faints away. + </p> + <p> + Such acting as Tom Bulbul's I never saw. Tom lisps atrociously, and + uttered the passage, "You athk me if I thuffer," in the most absurd way. + Miss Clapperclaw says he acted pretty well, and that I only joke about him + because I am envious, and wanted to act a part myself.—I envious + indeed! + </p> + <p> + But of all the assemblies, feastings, junketings, dejeunes, soirees, + conversaziones, dinner-parties, in Our Street, I know of none pleasanter + than the banquets at Tom Fairfax's; one of which this enormous + provision-consumer gives seven times a week. He lives in one of the little + houses of the old Waddilove Street quarter, built long before Pocklington + Square and Pocklington Gardens and the Pocklington family itself had made + their appearance in this world. + </p> + <p> + Tom, though he has a small income, and lives in a small house, yet sits + down one of a party of twelve to dinner every day of his life; these + twelve consisting of Mrs. Fairfax, the nine Misses Fairfax, and Master + Thomas Fairfax—the son and heir to twopence halfpenny a year. + </p> + <p> + It is awkward just now to go and beg pot-luck from such a family as this; + because, though a guest is always welcome, we are thirteen at table—an + unlucky number, it is said. This evil is only temporary, and will be + remedied presently, when the family will be thirteen WITHOUT the + occasional guest, to judge from all appearances. + </p> + <p> + Early in the morning Mrs. Fairfax rises, and cuts bread and butter from + six o'clock till eight; during which time the nursery operations upon the + nine little graces are going on. If his wife has to rise early to cut the + bread and butter, I warrant Fairfax must be up betimes to earn it. He is a + clerk in a Government office; to which duty he trudges daily, refusing + even twopenny omnibuses. Every time he goes to the shoemaker's he has to + order eleven pairs of shoes, and so can't afford to spare his own. He + teaches the children Latin every morning, and is already thinking when Tom + shall be inducted into that language. He works in his garden for an hour + before breakfast. His work over by three o'clock, he tramps home at four, + and exchanges his dapper coat for his dressing-gown—a ragged but + honorable garment. + </p> + <p> + Which is the best, his old coat or Sir John's bran-new one? Which is the + most comfortable and becoming, Mrs. Fairfax's black velvet gown (which she + has worn at the Pocklington Square parties these twelve years, and in + which I protest she looks like a queen), or that new robe which the + milliner has just brought home to Mrs. Bumpsher's, and into which she will + squeeze herself on Christmas-day? + </p> + <p> + Miss Clapperclaw says that we are all so charmingly contented with + ourselves that not one of us would change with his neighbor; and so, rich + and poor, high and low, one person is about as happy as another in Our + Street. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0003" id="link2H_4_0003"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + DOCTOR BIRCH AND HIS YOUNG FRIENDS + </h2> + <h3> + by MR. M. A. TITMARSH + </h3> + <p> + THE DOCTOR AND HIS STAFF. + </p> + <p> + There is no need to say why I became assistant-master and professor of the + English and French languages, flower-painting, and the German flute, in + Doctor Birch's Academy, at Rodwell Regis. Good folks may depend on this, + that it was not for CHOICE that I left lodgings near London, and a genteel + society, for an under-master's desk in that old school. I promise you the + fare at the usher's table, the getting up at five o'clock in the morning, + the walking out with little boys in the fields, (who used to play me + tricks, and never could be got to respect my awful and responsible + character as teacher in the school,) Miss Birch's vulgar insolence, Jack + Birch's glum condescension, and the poor old Doctor's patronage, were not + matters in themselves pleasurable: and that that patronage and those + dinners were sometimes cruel hard to swallow. Never mind—my + connection with the place is over now, and I hope they have got a more + efficient under-master. + </p> + <p> + Jack Birch (Rev. J. Birch, of St. Neot's Hall, Oxford,) is partner with + his father the Doctor, and takes some of the classes. About his Greek I + can't say much; but I will construe him in Latin any day. A more + supercilious little prig, (giving himself airs, too, about his cousin, + Miss Raby, who lives with the Doctor,) a more empty, pompous little + coxcomb I never saw. His white neck-cloth looked as if it choked him. He + used to try and look over that starch upon me and Prince the assistant, as + if he were a couple of footmen. He didn't do much business in the school; + but occupied his time in writing sanctified letters to the boys' parents, + and in composing dreary sermons to preach to them. + </p> + <p> + The real master of the school is Prince; an Oxford man too: shy, haughty, + and learned; crammed with Greek and a quantity of useless learning; + uncommonly kind to the small boys; pitiless with the fools and the + braggarts; respected of all for his honesty, his learning, his bravery, + (for he hit out once in a boat-row in a way which astonished the boys and + the bargemen,) and for a latent power about him, which all saw and + confessed somehow. Jack Birch could never look him in the face. Old Miss + Z. dared not put off any of HER airs upon him. Miss Rosa made him the + lowest of curtsies. Miss Raby said she was afraid of him. Good old Prince! + we have sat many a night smoking in the Doctor's harness-room, whither we + retired when our boys were gone to bed, and our cares and canes put by. + </p> + <p> + After Jack Birch had taken his degree at Oxford—a process which he + effected with great difficulty—this place, which used to be called + "Birch's," "Dr. Birch's Academy," and what not, became suddenly + "Archbishop Wigsby's College of Rodwell Regis." They took down the old + blue board with the gold letters, which has been used to mend the pigsty + since. Birch had a large school-room run up in the Gothic taste, with + statuettes, and a little belfry, and a bust of Archbishop Wigsby in the + middle of the school. He put the six senior boys into caps and gowns, + which had rather a good effect as the lads sauntered down the street of + the town, but which certainly provoked the contempt and hostility of the + bargemen; and so great was his rage for academic costumes and ordinances, + that he would have put me myself into a lay gown, with red knots and + fringes, but that I flatly resisted, and said that a writing-master had no + business with such paraphernalia. + </p> + <p> + By the way, I have forgotten to mention the Doctor himself. And what shall + I say of him? Well, he has a very crisp gown and bands, a solemn aspect, a + tremendous loud voice, and a grand air with the boys' parents; whom he + receives in a study covered round with the best-bound books, which imposes + upon many—upon the women especially—and makes them fancy that + this is a Doctor indeed. But law bless you! He never reads the books, or + opens one of them; except that in which he keeps his bands—a + Dugdale's "Monasticon," which looks like a book, but is in reality a + cupboard, where he has his port, almond-cakes, and decanter of wine. He + gets up his classics with translations, or what the boys call cribs; they + pass wicked tricks upon him when he hears the forms. The elder wags go to + his study and ask him to help them in hard bits of Herodotus or + Thucydides: he says he will look over the passage, and flies for refuge to + Mr. Prince, or to the crib. + </p> + <p> + He keeps the flogging department in his own hands; finding that his son + was too savage. He has awful brows and a big voice. But his roar frightens + nobody. It is only a lion's skin; or, so to say, a muff. + </p> + <p> + Little Mordant made a picture of him with large ears, like a well-known + domestic animal, and had his own justly boxed for the caricature. The + Doctor discovered him in the fact, and was in a flaming rage, and + threatened whipping at first; but in the course of the day an opportune + basket of game arriving from Mordant's father, the Doctor became + mollified, and has burnt the picture with the ears. However, I have one + wafered up in my desk by the hand of the same little rascal. + </p> + <p> + THE COCK OF THE SCHOOL. + </p> + <p> + I am growing an old fellow, and have seen many great folks in the course + of my travels and time: Louis Philippe coming out of the Tuileries; his + Majesty the King of Prussia and the Reichsverweser accolading each other + at Cologne at my elbow; Admiral Sir Charles Napier (in an omnibus once), + the Duke of Wellington, the immortal Goethe at Weimar, the late benevolent + Pope Gregory XVI., and a score more of the famous in this world—the + whom whenever one looks at, one has a mild shock of awe and tremor. I like + this feeling and decent fear and trembling with which a modest spirit + salutes a GREAT MAN. + </p> + <p> + Well, I have seen generals capering on horseback at the head of their + crimson battalions; bishops sailing down cathedral aisles, with downcast + eyes, pressing their trencher caps to their hearts with their fat white + hands; college heads when her Majesty is on a visit; the doctor in all his + glory at the head of his school on speech-day: a great sight and all great + men these. I have never met the late Mr. Thomas Cribb, but I have no doubt + should have regarded him with the same feeling of awe with which I look + every day at George Champion, the Cock of Dr. Birch's school. + </p> + <p> + When, I say, I reflect as I go up and set him a sum, that he could whop me + in two minutes, double up Prince and the other assistant, and pitch the + Doctor out of window, I can't but think how great, how generous, how + magnanimous a creature this is, that sits quite quiet and good-natured, + and works his equation, and ponders through his Greek play. He might take + the school-room pillars and pull the house down if he liked. He might + close the door, and demolish every one of us, like Antar the lover or + Ibla; but he lets us live. He never thrashes anybody without a cause; when + woe betide the tyrant or the sneak! + </p> + <p> + I think that to be strong, and able to whop everybody—(not to do it, + mind you, but to feel that you were able to do it,)—would be the + greatest of all gifts. There is a serene good humor which plays about + George Champion's broad face, which shows the consciousness of this power, + and lights up his honest blue eyes with a magnanimous calm. + </p> + <p> + He is invictus. Even when a cub there was no beating this lion. Six years + ago the undaunted little warrior actually stood up to Frank Davison,—(the + Indian officer now—poor little Charley's brother, whom Miss Raby + nursed so affectionately,)—then seventeen years old, and the Cock of + Birch's. They were obliged to drag off the boy, and Frank, with admiration + and regard for him, prophesied the great things he would do. Legends of + combats are preserved fondly in schools; they have stories of such at + Rodwell Regis, performed in the old Doctor's time, forty years ago. + </p> + <p> + Champion's affair with the Young Tutbury Pet, who was down here in + training,—with Black the bargeman,—with the three head boys of + Doctor Wapshot's academy, whom he caught maltreating an outlying day-boy + of ours, &c.,—are known to all the Rodwell Regis men. He was + always victorious. He is modest and kind, like all great men. He has a + good, brave, honest understanding. He cannot make verses like young + Pinder, or read Greek like Wells the Prefect, who is a perfect young abyss + of learning, and knows enough, Prince says, to furnish any six first-class + men; but he does his work in a sound downright way, and he is made to be + the bravest of soldiers, the best of country parsons, an honest English + gentleman wherever he may go. + </p> + <p> + Old Champion's chief friend and attendant is Young Jack Hall, whom he + saved, when drowning, out of the Miller's Pool. The attachment of the two + is curious to witness. The smaller lad gambolling, playing tricks round + the bigger one, and perpetually making fun of his protector. They are + never far apart, and of holidays you may meet them miles away from the + school,—George sauntering heavily down the lanes with his big stick, + and little Jack larking with the pretty girls in the cottage-windows. + </p> + <p> + George has a boat on the river, in which, however, he commonly lies + smoking, whilst Jack sculls him. He does not play at cricket, except when + the school plays the county, or at Lord's in the holidays. The boys can't + stand his bowling, and when he hits, it is like trying to catch a + cannon-ball. I have seen him at tennis. It is a splendid sight to behold + the young fellow bounding over the court with streaming yellow hair, like + young Apollo in a flannel jacket. + </p> + <p> + The other head boys are Lawrence the captain, Bunce, famous chiefly for + his magnificent appetite, and Pitman, surnamed Roscius, for his love of + the drama. Add to these Swanky, called Macassar, from his partiality to + that condiment, and who has varnished boots, wears white gloves on + Sundays, and looks out for Miss Pinkerton's school (transferred from + Chiswick to Rodwell Regis, and conducted by the nieces of the late Miss + Barbara Pinkerton, the friend of our great lexicographer, upon the + principles approved by him, and practised by that admirable woman,) as it + passes into church. + </p> + <p> + Representations have been made concerning Mr. Horace Swanky's behavior; + rumors have been uttered about notes in verse, conveyed in three-cornered + puffs, by Mrs. Ruggles, who serves Miss Pinkerton's young ladies on + Fridays,—and how Miss Didow, to whom the tart and enclosure were + addressed, tried to make away with herself by swallowing a ball of cotton. + But I pass over these absurd reports, as likely to affect the reputation + of an admirable seminary conducted by irreproachable females. As they go + into church Miss P. driving in her flock of lambkins with the crook of her + parasol, how can it be helped if her forces and ours sometimes collide, as + the boys are on their way up to the organ-loft? And I don't believe a word + about the three-cornered puff, but rather that it was the invention of + that jealous Miss Birch, who is jealous of Miss Raby, jealous of everybody + who is good and handsome, and who has HER OWN ENDS in view, or I am very + much in error. + </p> + <p> + THE DEAR BROTHERS. A MELODRAMA IN SEVERAL ROUNDS. THE DOCTOR. + </p> + <p> + MR. TIPPER, Uncle to the Masters Boxall. + </p> + <p> + BOXALL MAJOR, BOXALL MINOR, BROWN, JONES, SMITH, ROBINSON, TIFFIN MINIMUS. + </p> + <p> + B. Go it, old Boxall! + </p> + <p> + J. Give it him, young Boxall! + </p> + <p> + R. Pitch into him, old Boxall! + </p> + <p> + S. Two to one on young Boxall! + </p> + <p> + [Enter TIFFIN MINIMUS, running. + </p> + <p> + Tiffin Minimus.—Boxalls! you're wanted. (The Doctor to Mr. Tipper.)—Every + boy in the school loves them, my dear sir; your nephews are a credit to my + establishment. They are orderly, well-conducted, gentlemanlike boys. Let + us enter and find them at their studies. + </p> + <p> + [Enter The DOCTOR and Mr. TIPPER. + </p> + <p> + GRAND TABLEAU. THE LITTLE SCHOOL-ROOM. + </p> + <p> + What they call the little school-room is a small room at the other end of + the great school; through which you go to the Doctor's private house, and + where Miss Raby sits with her pupils. She has a half-dozen very small ones + over whom she presides and teaches them in her simple way, until they are + big or learned enough to face the great school-room. Many of them are in a + hurry for promotion, the graceless little simpletons, and know no more + than their elders when they are well off. + </p> + <p> + She keeps the accounts, writes out the bills, superintends the linen, and + sews on the general shirt-buttons. Think of having such a woman at home to + sew on one's shirt-buttons! But peace, peace, thou foolish heart! + </p> + <p> + Miss Raby is the Doctor's niece. Her mother was a beauty (quite unlike old + Zoe therefore); and she married a pupil in the old Doctor's time who was + killed afterwards, a captain in the East India service, at the siege of + Bhurtpore. Hence a number of Indian children come to the Doctor's; for + Raby was very much liked, and the uncle's kind reception of the orphan has + been a good speculation for the school-keeper. + </p> + <p> + It is wonderful how brightly and gayly that little quick creature does her + duty. She is the first to rise, and the last to sleep, if any business is + to be done. She sees the other two women go off to parties in the town + without even so much as wishing to join them. It is Cinderella, only + contented to stay at home—content to bear Zoe's scorn and to admit + Rosa's superior charms,—and to do her utmost to repay her uncle for + his great kindness in housing her. + </p> + <p> + So you see she works as much as three maid-servants for the wages of one. + She is as thankful when the Doctor gives her a new gown, as if he had + presented her with a fortune; laughs at his stories most good-humoredly, + listens to Zoe's scolding most meekly, admires Rosa with all her heart, + and only goes out of the way when Jack Birch shows his sallow face: for + she can't bear him, and always finds work when he comes near. + </p> + <p> + How different she is when some folks approach her! I won't be + presumptuous; but I think, I think, I have made a not unfavorable + impression in some quarters. However, let us be mum on this subject. I + like to see her, because she always looks good-humored; because she is + always kind, because she is always modest, because she is fond of those + poor little brats,—orphans some of them—because she is rather + pretty, I dare say, or because I think so, which comes to the same thing. + </p> + <p> + Though she is kind to all, it must be owned she shows the most gross + favoritism towards the amiable children. She brings them cakes from + dessert, and regales them with Zoe's preserves; spends many of her little + shillings in presents for her favorites, and will tell them stories by the + hour. She has one very sad story about a little boy, who died long ago: + the younger children are never weary of hearing about him; and Miss Raby + has shown to one of them a lock of the little chap's hair, which she keeps + in her work-box to this day. + </p> + <p> + A HOPELESS CASE. + </p> + <p> + Let us, people who are so uncommonly clever and learned, have a great + tenderness and pity for the poor folks who are not endowed with the + prodigious talents which we have. I have always had a regard for dunces;—those + of my own school-days were amongst the pleasantest of the fellows, and + have turned out by no means the dullest in life; whereas many a youth who + could turn off Latin hexameters by the yard, and construe Greek quite + glibly, is no better than a feeble prig now, with not a pennyworth more + brains than were in his head before his beard grew. + </p> + <p> + Those poor dunces! Talk of being the last man, ah! what a pang it must be + to be the last boy—huge, misshapen, fourteen years of age, and + "taken up" by a chap who is but six years old, and can't speak quite plain + yet! + </p> + <p> + Master Hulker is in that condition at Birch's. He is the most honest, + kind, active, plucky, generous creature. He can do many things better than + most boys. He can go up a tree, pump, play at cricket, dive and swim + perfectly—he can eat twice as much as almost any lady (as Miss Birch + well knows), he has a pretty talent at carving figures with his + hack-knife, he makes and paints little coaches, he can take a watch to + pieces and put it together again. He can do everything but learn his + lesson; and then he sticks at the bottom of the school hopeless. As the + little boys are drafted in from Miss Raby's class, (it is true she is one + of the best instructresses in the world,) they enter and hop over poor + Hulker. He would be handed over to the governess, only he is too big. + Sometimes, I used to think that this desperate stupidity was a stratagem + of the poor rascal's, and that he shammed dulness, so that he might be + degraded into Miss Raby's class—if she would teach ME, I know, + before George, I would put on a pinafore and a little jacket—but no, + it is a natural incapacity for the Latin Grammar. + </p> + <p> + If you could see his grammar, it is a perfect curiosity of dog's ears. The + leaves and cover are all curled and ragged. Many of the pages are worn + away with the rubbing of his elbows as he sits poring over the hopeless + volume, with the blows of his fists as he thumps it madly, or with the + poor fellow's tears. You see him wiping them away with the back of his + hand, as he tries and tries, and can't do it. + </p> + <p> + When I think of that Latin Grammar, and that infernal As in praesenti, and + of other things which I was made to learn in my youth; upon my conscience, + I am surprised that we ever survived it. When one thinks of the boys who + have been caned because they could not master that intolerable jargon! + Good Lord, what a pitiful chorus these poor little creatures send up! Be + gentle with them, ye schoolmasters, and only whop those who WON'T learn. + </p> + <p> + The Doctor has operated upon Hulker (between ourselves), but the boy was + so little affected you would have thought he had taken chloroform. Birch + is weary of whipping now, and leaves the boy to go his own gait. Prince, + when he hears the lesson, and who cannot help making fun of a fool, adopts + the sarcastic manner with Master Hulker, and says, "Mr. Hulker, may I take + the liberty to inquire if your brilliant intellect has enabled you to + perceive the difference between those words which grammarians have defined + as substantive and adjective nouns?—if not, perhaps Mr. Ferdinand + Timmins will instruct you." And Timmins hops over Hulker's head. + </p> + <p> + I wish Prince would leave off girding at the poor lad. He is a boy, and + his mother is a widow woman, who loves him with all her might. There is a + famous sneer about the suckling of fools and the chronicling of small + beer; but remember it was a rascal who uttered it. + </p> + <p> + A WORD ABOUT MISS BIRCH. + </p> + <p> + "The gentlemen, and especially the younger and more tender of these + pupils, will have the advantage of the constant superintendence and + affectionate care of Miss Zoe Birch, sister of the principal: whose + clearest aim will be to supply (as far as may be) the absent maternal + friend."—Prospectus of Rodwell Regis School. + </p> + <p> + This is all very well in the Doctor's prospectus, and Miss Zoe Birch—(a + pretty blossom it is, fifty-five years old, during two score of which she + has dosed herself with pills; with a nose as red and a face as sour as a + crab-apple)—this is all mighty well in a prospectus. But I should + like to know who would take Miss Zoe for a mother, or would have her for + one? + </p> + <p> + The only persons in the house who are not afraid of her are Miss Rosa and + I—no, I am afraid of her, though I DO know the story about the + French usher in 1830—but all the rest tremble before the woman, from + the Doctor down to poor Francis the knife-boy, whom she bullies into his + miserable blacking-hole. + </p> + <p> + The Doctor is a pompous and outwardly severe man—but inwardly weak + and easy; loving a joke and a glass of port-wine. I get on with him, + therefore, much better than Mr. Prince, who scorns him for an ass, and + under whose keen eyes the worthy Doctor writhes like a convicted impostor; + and many a sunshiny afternoon would he have said, "Mr. T., sir, shall we + try another glass of that yellow sealed wine which you seem to like?" (and + which he likes even better than I do,) had not the old harridan of a Zoe + been down upon us, and insisted on turning me out with her abominable weak + coffee. She a mother indeed! A sour-milk generation she would have nursed. + She is always croaking, scolding, bullying—yowling at the + housemaids, snarling at Miss Raby, bowwowing after the little boys, + barking after the big ones. She knows how much every boy eats to an ounce; + and her delight is to ply with fat the little ones who can't bear it, and + with raw meat those who hate underdone. It was she who caused the Doctor + to be eaten out three times; and nearly created a rebellion in the school + because she insisted on his flogging Goliath Longman. + </p> + <p> + The only time that woman is happy is when she comes in of a morning to the + little boys' dormitories with a cup of hot Epsom salts, and a sippet of + bread. Boo!—the very notion makes me quiver. She stands over them. I + saw her do it to young Byles only a few days since; and her presence makes + the abomination doubly abominable. + </p> + <p> + As for attending them in real illness, do you suppose that she would watch + a single night for any one of them? Not she. When poor little Charley + Davison (that child a lock of whose soft hair I have said how Miss Raby + still keeps) lay ill of scarlet fever in the holidays—for the + Colonel, the father of these boys, was in India—it was Anne Raby who + tended the child, who watched him all through the fever, who never left + him while it lasted, or until she had closed the little eyes that were + never to brighten or moisten more. Anny watched and deplored him; but it + was Miss Birch who wrote the letter announcing his demise, and got the + gold chain and locket which the Colonel ordered as a memento of his + gratitude. It was through a row with Miss Birch that Frank Davison ran + away. I promise you that after he joined his regiment in India, the + Ahmednuggur Irregulars, which his gallant father commands, there came over + no more annual shawls and presents to Dr. and Miss Birch; and that if she + fancied the Colonel was coming home to marry her (on account of her + tenderness to his motherless children, which he was always writing about), + THAT notion was very soon given up. But these affairs are of early date, + seven years back, and I only heard of them in a very confused manner from + Miss Raby, who was a girl, and had just come to Rodwell Regis. She is + always very much moved when she speaks about those boys; which is but + seldom. I take it the death of the little one still grieves her tender + heart. + </p> + <p> + Yes, it is Miss Birch, who has turned away seventeen ushers and + second-masters in eleven years, and half as many French masters, I + suppose, since the departure of her FAVORITE, M. Grinche, with her gold + watch, &c.; but this is only surmise—that is, from hearsay, and + from Miss Rosa taunting her aunt, as she does sometimes, in her graceful + way: but besides this, I have another way of keeping her in order. + </p> + <p> + Whenever she is particularly odious or insolent to Miss Raby, I have but + to introduce raspberry jam into the conversation, and the woman holds her + tongue. She will understand me. I need not say more. + </p> + <p> + NOTE, 12th December. I MAY speak now. I have left the place and don't + mind. I say then at once, and without caring twopence for the + consequences, that I saw this woman, this MOTHER of the boys, EATING JAM + WITH A SPOON OUT OF MASTER WIGGINS'S TRUNK IN THE BOX-ROOM: and of this I + am ready to take an affidavit any day. + </p> + <p> + A TRAGEDY. THE DRAMA OUGHT TO BE REPRESENTED IN ABOUT SIX ACTS. + </p> + <p> + [The school is hushed. LAWRENCE the Prefect, and Custos of the rods, is + marching after the DOCTOR into the operating-room. MASTER BACKHOUSE is + about to follow.] + </p> + <p> + Master Backhouse.—It's all very well, but you see if I don't pay you + out after school—you sneak you! + </p> + <p> + Master Lurcher.—If you do I'll tell again. [Exit BACKHOUSE. + </p> + <p> + [The rod is heard from the adjoining apartment. Hwish—hwish—hwish—hwish—hwish—hwish—hwish! + [Re-enter BACKHOUSE. + </p> + <p> + BRIGGS IN LUCK. + </p> + <p> + Enter the Knife-boy.—Hamper for Briggses! Master Brown.—Hurray, + Tom Briggs! I'll lend you my knife. + </p> + <p> + If this story does not carry its own moral, what fable does, I wonder? + Before the arrival of that hamper, Master Briggs was in no better repute + than any other young gentleman of the lower school; and in fact I had + occasion myself, only lately, to correct Master Brown for kicking his + friend's shins during the writing-lesson. But how this basket, directed by + his mother's housekeeper and marked "Glass with care," (whence I conclude + that it contains some jam and some bottles of wine, probably, as well as + the usual cake and game-pie, and half a sovereign for the elder Master B., + and five new shillings for Master Decimus Briggs)—how, I say, the + arrival of this basket alters all Master Briggs's circumstances in life, + and the estimation in which many persons regard him! + </p> + <p> + If he is a good-hearted boy, as I have reason to think, the very first + thing he will do, before inspecting the contents of the hamper, or cutting + into them with the knife which Master Brown has so considerately lent him, + will be to read over the letter from home which lies on the top of the + parcel. He does so, as I remark to Miss Raby (for whom I happened to be + mending pens when the little circumstance arose), with a flushed face and + winking eyes. Look how the other boys are peering into the basket as he + reads.—I say to her, "Isn't it a pretty picture?" Part of the letter + is in a very large hand. This is from his little sister. And I would wager + that she netted the little purse which he has just taken out of it, and + which Master Lynx is eying. + </p> + <p> + "You are a droll man, and remark all sorts of queer things," Miss Raby + says, smiling, and plying her swift needle and fingers as quick as + possible. + </p> + <p> + "I am glad we are both on the spot, and that the little fellow lies under + our guns as it were, and so is protected from some such brutal + school-pirate as young Duval for instance, who would rob him, probably, of + some of those good things; good in themselves, and better because fresh + from home. See, there is a pie as I said, and which I dare say is better + than those which are served at our table (but you never take any notice of + such kind of things, Miss Raby), a cake of course, a bottle of + currant-wine, jam-pots, and no end of pears in the straw. With their money + little Briggs will be able to pay the tick which that imprudent child has + run up with Mrs. Ruggles; and I shall let Briggs Major pay for the + pencil-case which Bullock sold to him.—It will be a lesson to the + young prodigal for the future. But, I say, what a change there will be in + his life for some time to come, and at least until his present wealth is + spent! The boys who bully him will mollify towards him, and accept his pie + and sweetmeats. They will have feasts in the bedroom; and that wine will + taste more delicious to them than the best out of the Doctor's cellar. The + cronies will be invited. Young Master Wagg will tell his most dreadful + story and sing his best song for a slice of that pie. What a jolly night + they will have! When we go the rounds at night, Mr. Prince and I will take + care to make a noise before we come to Briggs's room, so that the boys may + have time to put the light out, to push the things away, and to scud into + bed. Doctor Spry may be put in requisition the next morning." + </p> + <p> + "Nonsense! you absurd creature," cries out Miss Raby, laughing; and I lay + down the twelfth pen very nicely mended. + </p> + <p> + "Yes; after luxury comes the doctor, I say; after extravagance a hole in + the breeches pocket. To judge from his disposition, Briggs Major will not + be much better off a couple of days hence than he is now; and, if I am not + mistaken, will end life a poor man. Brown will be kicking his shins before + a week is over, depend upon it. There are boys and men of all sorts, Miss + R.—There are selfish sneaks who hoard until the store they daren't + use grows mouldy—there are spendthrifts who fling away, parasites + who flatter and lick its shoes, and snarling curs who hate and envy, good + fortune." + </p> + <p> + I put down the last of the pens, brushing away with it the quill-chips + from her desk first, and she looked at me with a kind, wondering face. I + brushed them away, clicked the penknife into my pocket, made her a bow, + and walked off—for the bell was ringing for school. + </p> + <p> + A YOUNG FELLOW WHO IS PRETTY SURE TO SUCCEED. + </p> + <p> + If Master Briggs is destined in all probability to be a poor man, the + chances are that Mr. Bullock will have a very different lot, he is a son + of a partner of the eminent banking firm of Bullock and Hulker, Lombard + street, and very high in the upper school—quite out of my + jurisdiction, consequently. + </p> + <p> + He writes the most beautiful current-hand ever seen; and the way in which + he mastered arithmetic (going away into recondite and wonderful rules in + the Tutor's Assistant, which some masters even dare not approach,) is + described by the Doctor in terms of admiration. He is Mr. Prince's best + algebra pupil; and a very fair classic, too; doing everything well for + which he has a mind. + </p> + <p> + He does not busy himself with the sports of his comrades, and holds a + cricket-bat no better than Miss Raby would. He employs the play-hours in + improving his mind, and reading the newspaper; he is a profound + politician, and, it must be owned, on the liberal side. The elder boys + despise him rather; and when champion Major passes, he turns his head, and + looks down. I don't like the expression of Bullock's narrow green eyes, as + they follow the elder Champion, who does not seem to know or care how much + the other hates him. + </p> + <p> + No. Mr. Bullock, though perhaps the cleverest and most accomplished boy in + the school, associates with the quite little boys when he is minded for + society. To these he is quite affable, courteous, and winning. He never + fagged or thrashed one of them. He has done the verses and corrected the + exercises of many, and many is the little lad to whom he has lent a little + money. + </p> + <p> + It is true he charges at the rate of a penny a week for every sixpence + lent out; but many a fellow to whom tarts are a present necessity is happy + to pay this interest for the loan. These transactions are kept secret. Mr. + Bullock, in rather a whining tone, when he takes Master Green aside and + does the requisite business for him, says, "You know you'll go and talk + about it everywhere. I don't want to lend you the money, I want to buy + something with it. It's only to oblige you; and yet I am sure you will go + and make fun of me." Whereon, of course, Green, eager for the money, vows + solemnly that the transaction shall be confidential, and only speaks when + the payment of the interest becomes oppressive. + </p> + <p> + Thus it is that Mr. Bullock's practices are at all known. At a very early + period, indeed, his commercial genius manifested itself: and by happy + speculations in toffey; by composing a sweet drink made of stick-liquorice + and brown sugar, and selling it at a profit to the younger children; by + purchasing a series of novels, which he let out at an adequate + remuneration; by doing boys' exercises for a penny, and other processes, + he showed the bent of his mind. At the end of the half-year he always went + home richer than when he arrived at school, with his purse full of money. + </p> + <p> + Nobody knows how much he brought: but the accounts are fabulous. Twenty, + thirty, fifty—it is impossible to say how many sovereigns. When + joked about his money, he turns pale and swears he has not a shilling: + whereas he has had a banker's account ever since he was thirteen. + </p> + <p> + At the present moment he is employed in negotiating the sale of a knife + with Master Green, and is pointing out to the latter the beauty of the six + blades, and that he need not pay until after the holidays. + </p> + <p> + Champion Major has sworn that he will break every bone in his skin the + next time that he cheats a little boy, and is bearing down upon him. Let + us come away. It is frightful to see that big peaceful clever coward + moaning under well-deserved blows and whining for mercy. + </p> + <p> + DUVAL THE PIRATE. + </p> + <p> + JONES MINIMUS passes, laden with tarts. + </p> + <p> + Duval.—Hullo! you small boy with the tarts! Come here, sir. Jones + Minimus.—Please, Duval, they ain't mine. Duval.—Oh, you + abominable young story-teller. [He confiscates the goods. + </p> + <p> + I think I like young Duval's mode of levying contributions better than + Bullock's. The former's, at least, has the merit of more candor. Duval is + the pirate of Birch's, and lies in wait for small boys laden with money or + provender. He scents plunder from afar off: and pounces out on it. Woe + betide the little fellow when Duval boards him! + </p> + <p> + There was a youth here whose money I used to keep, as he was of an + extravagant and weak taste; and I doled it out to him in weekly shillings, + sufficient for the purchase of the necessary tarts. This boy came to me + one day for half a sovereign, for a very particular purpose, he said. I + afterwards found he wanted to lend the money to Duval. + </p> + <p> + The young ogre burst out laughing, when in a great wrath and fury I + ordered him to refund to the little boy: and proposed a bill of exchange + at three months. It is true Duval's father does not pay the Doctor, and + the lad never has a shilling, save that which he levies; and though he is + always bragging about the splendor of Freenystown, Co. Cork, and the + fox-hounds his father keeps, and the claret they drink there—there + comes no remittance from Castle Freeny in these bad times to the honest + Doctor; who is a kindly man enough, and never yet turned an insolvent boy + out of doors. + </p> + <p> + THE DORMITORIES. MASTER HEWLETT AND MASTER NIGHTINGALE + </p> + <p> + (Rather a cold winter night.) + </p> + <p> + Hewlett (flinging a shoe at Master Nightingale's bed, with which he hits + that young gentleman).—Hullo, you! Get up and bring me that shoe! + </p> + <p> + Nightingale.—Yes, Hewlett. (He gets up.) + </p> + <p> + Hewlett.—Don't drop it, and be very careful of it, sir. + </p> + <p> + Nightingale.—Yes, Hewlett. + </p> + <p> + Hewlett.—Silence in the dormitory! Any boy who opens his mouth, I'll + murder him. Now, sir, are not you the boy what can sing? + </p> + <p> + Nightingale.—Yes, Hewlett. + </p> + <p> + Hewlett.—Chant, then, till I go to sleep, and if I wake when you + stop, you'll have this at your head. + </p> + <p> + [Master HEWLETT lays his Bluchers on the bed, ready to shy at Master + Nightingale's head in the case contemplated.] + </p> + <p> + Nightingale (timidly).—Please, Hewlett? + </p> + <p> + Hewlett.—Well, sir? + </p> + <p> + Nightingale.—May I put on my trousers, please? + </p> + <p> + Hewlett.—No, sir. Go on, or I'll— + </p> + <p> + Nightingale.— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Through pleasures and palaces + + Though we may roam, + + Be it ever so humble + + There's no place like home." +</pre> + <p> + A CAPTURE AND A RESCUE. + </p> + <p> + My young friend, Patrick Champion, George's younger brother, is a late + arrival among us; has much of the family quality and good nature; is not + in the least a tyrant to the small boys, but is as eager as Amadis to + fight. He is boxing his way up the school, emulating his great brother. He + fixes his eye on a boy above him in strength or size, and you hear somehow + that a difference has arisen between them at football, and they have their + coats off presently. He has thrashed himself over the heads of many youths + in this manner: for instance, if Champion can lick Dobson, who can thrash + Hobson, how much more, then, can he thrash Hobson? Thus he works up and + establishes his position in the school. Nor does Mr. Prince think it + advisable that we ushers should walk much in the way when these little + differences are being settled, unless there is some gross disparity, or + danger is apprehended. + </p> + <p> + For instance, I own to having seen this row as I was shaving at my bedroom + window. I did not hasten down to prevent its consequences. Fogle had + confiscated a top, the property of Snivins; the which, as the little + wretch was always pegging it at my toes, I did not regret. Snivins + whimpered; and young Champion came up, lusting for battle. Directly he + made out Fogle, he steered for him, pulling up his coat-sleeves, and + clearing for action. + </p> + <p> + "Who spoke to YOU, young Champion?" Fogle said, and he flung down the top + to Master Snivins. I knew there would be no fight; and perhaps Champion, + too, was disappointed. + </p> + <p> + THE GARDEN, WHERE THE PARLOR-BOARDERS GO. + </p> + <p> + Noblemen have been rather scarce at Birch's—but the heir of a great + Prince has been living with the Doctor for some years.—He is Lord + George Gaunt's eldest son, the noble Plantagenet Gaunt Gaunt, and nephew + of the Most Honorable the Marquis of Steyne. + </p> + <p> + They are very proud of him at the Doctor's—and the two Misses and + Papa, whenever a stranger comes down whom they want to dazzle, are pretty + sure to bring Lord Steyne into the conversation, mention the last party at + Gaunt House, and cursorily to remark that they have with them a young + friend who will be, in all human probability, Marquis of Steyne and Earl + of Gaunt, &c. + </p> + <p> + Plantagenet does not care much about these future honors: provided he can + get some brown sugar on his bread-and-butter, or sit with three chairs and + play at coach-and-horses quite quietly by himself, he is tolerably happy. + He saunters in and out of school when he likes, and looks at the masters + and other boys with a listless grin. He used to be taken to church, but he + laughed and talked in odd places, so they are forced to leave him at home + now. He will sit with a bit of string and play cat's-cradle for many + hours. He likes to go and join the very small children at their games. + Some are frightened at him; but they soon cease to fear, and order him + about. I have seen him go and fetch tarts from Mrs. Ruggles for a boy of + eight years old; and cry bitterly if he did not get a piece. He cannot + speak quite plain, but very nearly; and is not more, I suppose, than + three-and-twenty. + </p> + <p> + Of course at home they know his age, though they never come and see him. + But they forget that Miss Rosa Birch is no longer a young chit as she was + ten years ago, when Gaunt was brought to the school. On the contrary, she + has had no small experience in the tender passion, and is at this moment + smitten with a disinterested affection for Plantagenet Gaunt. + </p> + <p> + Next to a little doll with a burnt nose, which he hides away in cunning + places, Mr. Gaunt is very fond of Miss Rosa too. What a pretty match it + would make! and how pleased they would be at Gaunt House, if the grandson + and heir of the great Marquis of Steyne, the descendant of a hundred + Gaunts and Tudors, should marry Miss Birch, the schoolmaster's daughter! + It is true she has the sense on her side, and poor Plantagenet is only an + idiot: but there he is, a zany, with such expectations and such a + pedigree! + </p> + <p> + If Miss Rosa would run away with Mr. Gaunt, she would leave off bullying + her cousin, Miss Anny Raby. Shall I put her up to the notion, and offer to + lend her the money to run away? Mr. Gaunt is not allowed money. He had + some once, but Bullock took him into a corner, and got it from him. He has + a moderate tick opened at a tart-woman's. He stops at Rodwell Regis + through the year: school-time and holiday-time, it is all the same to him. + Nobody asks about him, or thinks about him, save twice a year, when the + Doctor goes to Gaunt House, and gets the amount of his bills, and a glass + of wine in the steward's room. + </p> + <p> + And yet you see somehow that he is a gentleman. His manner is different to + that of the owners of that coarse table and parlor at which he is a + boarder (I do not speak of Miss R. of course, for HER manners are as good + as those of a duchess). When he caught Miss Rosa boxing little Fiddes's + ears, his face grew red, and he broke into a fierce inarticulate rage. + After that, and for some days, he used to shrink from her; but they are + reconciled now. I saw them this afternoon in the garden where only the + parlor-boarders walk. He was playful, and touched her with his stick. She + raised her handsome eyes in surprise, and smiled on him very kindly. + </p> + <p> + The thing was so clear, that I thought it my duty to speak to old Zoe + about it. The wicked old catamaran told me she wished that some people + would mind their own business, and hold their tongues—that some + persons were paid to teach writing, and not to tell tales and make + mischief: and I have since been thinking whether I ought to communicate + with the Doctor. + </p> + <p> + THE OLD PUPIL. + </p> + <p> + As I came into the playgrounds this morning, I saw a dashing young fellow, + with a tanned face and a blond moustache, who was walking up and down the + green arm-in-arm with Champion Major, and followed by a little crowd of + boys. + </p> + <p> + They were talking of old times evidently. "What had become of Irvine and + Smith?"—"Where was Bill Harris and Jones: not Squinny Jones, but + Cocky Jones?"—and so forth. The gentleman was no stranger; he was an + old pupil evidently, come to see if any of his old comrades remained, and + revisit the cari luoghi of his youth. + </p> + <p> + Champion was evidently proud of his arm-fellow, he espied his brother, + young Champion, and introduced him. "Come here, sir," he called. "The + young 'un wasn't here in your time, Davison." "Pat, sir," said he, "this + is Captain Davison, one of Birch's boys. Ask him who was among the first + in the lines at Sobraon?" + </p> + <p> + Pat's face kindled up as he looked Davison full in the face, and held out + his hand. Old Champion and Davison both blushed. The infantry set up a + "Hurray, hurray, hurray," Champion leading, and waving his wide-awake. I + protest that the scene did one good to witness. Here was the hero and cock + of the school come back to see his old haunts and cronies. He had always + remembered them. Since he had seen them last, he had faced death and + achieved honor. But for my dignity I would have shied up my hat too. + </p> + <p> + With a resolute step, and his arm still linked in Champion's, Captain + Davison now advanced, followed by a wake of little boys, to that corner of + the green where Mrs. Ruggles has her tart stand. + </p> + <p> + "Hullo, Mother Ruggles! don't you remember me?" he said, and shook her by + the hand. + </p> + <p> + "Lor, if it ain't Davison Major!" she said. "Well, Davison Major, you owe + me fourpence for two sausage-rolls from when you went away." + </p> + <p> + Davison laughed, and all the little crew of boys set up a similar chorus. + </p> + <p> + "I buy the whole shop," he said. "Now, young 'uns—eat away!" + </p> + <p> + Then there was such a "Hurray! hurray!" as surpassed the former cheer in + loudness. Everybody engaged in it except Piggy Duff, who made an instant + dash at the three-cornered puffs, but was stopped by Champion, who said + there should be a fair distribution. And so there was, and no one lacked, + neither of raspberry, open tarts, nor of mellifluous bulls'-eyes, nor of + polonies, beautiful to the sight and taste. + </p> + <p> + The hurraying brought out the old Doctor himself, who put his hand up to + his spectacles and started when he saw the old pupil. Each blushed when he + recognized the other; for seven years ago they had parted not good + friends. + </p> + <p> + "What—Davison?" the Doctor said, with a tremulous voice. "God bless + you, my dear fellow!"—and they shook hands. "A half holiday, of + course, boys," he added, and there was another hurray: there was to be no + end to the cheering that day. + </p> + <p> + "How's—how's the family, sir?" Captain Davison asked. + </p> + <p> + "Come in and see. Rosa's grown quite a lady. Dine with us, of course. + Champion Major, come to dinner at five. Mr. Titmarsh, the pleasure of your + company?" The Doctor swung open the garden gate: the old master and pupil + entered the house reconciled. + </p> + <p> + I thought I would first peep into Miss Raby's room, and tell her of this + event. She was working away at her linen there, as usual quiet and + cheerful. + </p> + <p> + "You should put up," I said with a smile; "the Doctor has given us a + half-holiday." + </p> + <p> + "I never have holidays," Miss Raby replied. + </p> + <p> + Then I told her of the scene I had just witnessed, of the arrival of the + old pupil, the purchase of the tarts, the proclamation of the holiday, and + the shouts of the boys of "Hurray, Davison!" + </p> + <p> + "WHO is it?" cried out Miss Raby, starting and turning as white as a + sheet. + </p> + <p> + I told her it was Captain Davison from India; and described the appearance + and behavior of the Captain. When I had finished speaking, she asked me to + go and get her a glass of water; she felt unwell. But she was gone when I + came back with the water. + </p> + <p> + I know all now. After sitting for a quarter of an hour with the Doctor, + who attributed his guest's uneasiness no doubt to his desire to see Miss + Rosa Birch, Davison started up and said he wanted to see Miss Raby. "You + remember, sir, how kind she was to my little brother, sir?" he said. + Whereupon the Doctor, with a look of surprise, that anybody should want to + see Miss Raby, said she was in the little school-room; whither the Captain + went, knowing the way from old times. + </p> + <p> + A few minutes afterwards, Miss B. and Miss Z. returned from a drive with + Plantagenet Gaunt in their one-horse fly, and being informed of Davison's + arrival, and that he was closeted with Miss Raby in the little + school-room, of course made for that apartment at once. I was coming into + it from the other door. I wanted to know whether she had drunk the water. + </p> + <p> + This is what both parties saw. The two were in this very attitude. "Well, + upon my word!" cries out Miss Zoe; but Davison did not let go his hold; + and Miss Raby's head only sank down on his hand. + </p> + <p> + "You must get another governess, sir, for the little boys," Frank Davison + said to the Doctor. "Anny Raby has promised to come with me." + </p> + <p> + You may suppose I shut to the door on my side. And when I returned to the + little school-room, it was black and empty. Everybody was gone. I could + hear the boys shouting at play in the green outside. The glass of water + was on the table where I had placed it. I took it and drank it myself, to + the health of Anny Raby and her husband. It was rather a choker. + </p> + <p> + But of course I wasn't going to stop on at Birch's. When his young friends + reassemble on the 1st of February next, they will have two new masters. + Prince resigned too, and is at present living with me at my old lodgings + at Mrs. Cammysole's. If any nobleman or gentleman wants a private tutor + for his son, a note to the Rev. F. Prince will find him there. + </p> + <p> + Miss Clapperclaw says we are both a couple of old fools; and that she knew + when I set off last year to Rodwell Regis, after meeting the two young + ladies at a party at General Champion's house in our street, that I was + going on a goose's errand. I shall dine there on Christmas-day; and so I + wish a merry Christmas to all young and old boys. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + EPILOGUE. +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + The play is done; the curtain drops, + Slow falling, to the prompter's bell: + A moment yet the actor stops, + And looks around, to say farewell. + It is an irksome word and task; + And when he's laughed and said his say, + He shows, as he removes the mask, + A face that's anything but gay. + + One word, ere yet the evening ends, + Let's close it with a parting rhyme, + And pledge a hand to all young friends, + As fits the merry Christmas time. + On life's wide scene you, too, have parts, + That Fate ere long shall bid you play; + Good night! with honest gentle hearts + A kindly greeting go alway! + + Good night! I'd say the griefs, the joys, + Just hinted in this mimic page, + The triumphs and defeats of boys, + Are but repeated in our age. + I'd say, your woes were not less keen, + Your hopes more vain, than those of men, + Your pangs or pleasures of fifteen, + At forty-five played o'er again. + + I'd say, we suffer and we strive + Not less nor more as men than boys; + With grizzled beards at forty-five, + As erst at twelve, in corduroys. + And if, in time of sacred youth, + We learned at home to love and pray, + Pray heaven, that early love and truth + May never wholly pass away. + + And in the world, as in the school, + I'd say, how fate may change and shift; + The prize be sometimes with the fool, + The race not always to the swift. + The strong may yield, the good may fall, + The great man be a vulgar clown, + The knave be lifted over all, + The kind cast pitilessly down. + + Who knows the inscrutable design? + Blessed be He who took and gave: + Why should your mother, Charles, not mine, + Be weeping at her darling's grave?* + We bow to heaven that will'd it so, + That darkly rules the fate of all, + That sends the respite or the blow, + That's free to give or to recall. + + This crowns his feast with wine and wit: + Who brought him to that mirth and state? + His betters, see, below him sit, + Or hunger hopeless at the gate. + Who bade the mud from Dives' Wheel + To spurn the rags of Lazarus? + Come, brother, in that dust we'll kneel, + Confessing heaven that ruled it thus. + + So each shall mourn in life's advance, + Dear hopes, dear friends, untimely killed; + Shall grieve for many a forfeit chance, + A longing passion unfulfilled. + Amen: whatever Fate be sent,—Pray God the heart may kindly glow, + Although the head with cares be bent, + And whitened with the winter snow. + + Come wealth or want, come good or ill, + Let young and old accept their part, + And bow before the Awful Will, + And bear it with an honest heart. + Who misses, or who wins the prize? + Go, lose or conquer as you can. + But if you fail, or if you rise, + Be each, pray God, a gentleman, + + A gentleman, or old or young: + (Bear kindly with my humble lays,) + The sacred chorus first was sung + Upon the first of Christmas days. + The shepherds heard it overhead—The joyful angels raised it then: + Glory to heaven on high, it said, + And peace on earth to gentle men. + + My song, save this, is little worth; + I lay the weary pen aside, + And wish you health, and love, and mirth, + As fits the solemn Christmas tide. + As fits the holy Christmas birth, + Be this, good friends, our carol still—Be peace on earth, be + peace on earth, + To men of gentle will. +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * C. B., ob. Dec. 1843, aet. 42. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0004" id="link2H_4_0004"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE KICKLEBURYS ON THE RHINE. + </h2> + <h3> + BY MR. M. A. TITMARSH + </h3> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h2> + PREFACE TO THE SECOND EDITION: + </h2> + <h3> + BEING AN ESSAY ON THUNDER AND SMALL BEER. + </h3> + <p> + Any reader who may have a fancy to purchase a copy of this present edition + of the "History of the Kickleburys Abroad," had best be warned in time, + that the Times newspaper does not approve of the work, and has but a bad + opinion both of the author and his readers. Nothing can be fairer than + this statement: if you happen to take up the poor little volume at a + railroad station, and read this sentence, lay the book down, and buy + something else. You are warned. What more can the author say? If after + this you WILL buy,—amen! pay your money, take your book, and fall + to. Between ourselves, honest reader, it is no very strong potation which + the present purveyor offers to you. It will not trouble your head much in + the drinking. It was intended for that sort of negus which is offered at + Christmas parties and of which ladies and children may partake with + refreshment and cheerfulness. Last year I tried a brew which was old, + bitter, and strong; and scarce any one would drink it. This year we send + round a milder tap, and it is liked by customers: though the critics (who + like strong ale, the rogues!) turn up their noses. In heaven's name, Mr. + Smith, serve round the liquor to the gentle-folks. Pray, dear madam, + another glass; it is Christmas time, it will do you no harm. It is not + intended to keep long, this sort of drink. (Come, froth up, Mr. Publisher, + and pass quickly round!) And as for the professional gentlemen, we must + get a stronger sort for THEM some day. + </p> + <p> + The Times' gentleman (a very difficult gent to please) is the loudest and + noisiest of all, and has made more hideous faces over the refreshment + offered to him than any other critic. There is no use shirking this + statement! when a man has been abused in the Times, he can't hide it, any + more than he could hide the knowledge of his having been committed to + prison by Mr. Henry, or publicly caned in Pall Mall. You see it in your + friends' eyes when they meet you. They know it. They have chuckled over it + to a man. They whisper about it at the club, and look over the paper at + you. My next-door neighbor came to see me this morning, and I saw by his + face that he had the whole story pat. "Hem!" says he, "well, I HAVE heard + of it; and the fact is, they were talking about you at dinner last night, + and mentioning that the Times had—ahem!—'walked into you.'" + </p> + <p> + "My good M——" I say—and M—— will + corroborate, if need be, the statement I make here—"here is the + Times' article, dated January 4th, which states so and so, and here is a + letter from the publisher, likewise dated January 4th, and which says:— + </p> + <p> + "MY DEAR Sir,—Having this day sold the last copy of the first + edition (of x thousand) of the 'Kickleburys Abroad,' and having orders for + more, had we not better proceed to a second edition? and will you permit + me to enclose an order on," &c. &c.? + </p> + <p> + Singular coincidence! And if every author who was so abused by a critic + had a similar note from a publisher, good Lord! how easily would we take + the critic's censure! + </p> + <p> + "Yes, yes," you say; "it is all very well for a writer to affect to be + indifferent to a critique from the Times. You bear it as a boy bears a + flogging at school, without crying out; but don't swagger and brag as if + you liked it." + </p> + <p> + Let us have truth before all. I would rather have a good word than a bad + one from any person: but if a critic abuses me from a high place, and it + is worth my while, I will appeal. If I can show that the judge who is + delivering sentence against me, and laying down the law and making a + pretence of learning, has no learning and no law, and is neither more nor + less than a pompous noodle, who ought not to be heard in any respectable + court, I will do so; and then, dear friends, perhaps you will have + something to laugh at in this book.— + </p> + <p> + "THE KICKLEBURYS ABROAD. + </p> + <p> + "It has been customary, of late years, for the purveyors of amusing + literature—the popular authors of the day—to put forth certain + opuscules, denominated 'Christmas Books,' with the ostensible intention of + swelling the tide of exhilaration, or other expansive emotions, incident + upon the exodus of the old and the inauguration of the new year. We have + said that their ostensible intention was such, because there is another + motive for these productions, locked up (as the popular author deems) in + his own breast, but which betrays itself, in the quality of the work, as + his principal incentive. Oh! that any muse should be set upon a high stool + to cast up accounts and balance a ledger! Yet so it is; and the popular + author finds it convenient to fill up the declared deficit, and place + himself in a position the more effectually to encounter those liabilities + which sternly assert themselves contemporaneously and in contrast with the + careless and free-handed tendencies of the season by the emission of + Christmas books—a kind of literary assignats, representing to the + emitter expunged debts, to the receiver an investment of enigmatical + value. For the most part bearing the stamp of their origin in the vacuity + of the writer's exchequer rather than in the fulness of his genius, they + suggest by their feeble flavor the rinsings of a void brain after the more + important concoctions of the expired year. Indeed, we should as little + think of taking these compositions as examples of the merits of their + authors as we should think of measuring the valuable services of Mr. + Walker, the postman, or Mr. Bell, the dust-collector, by the copy of + verses they leave at our doors as a provocative of the expected annual + gratuity—effusions with which they may fairly be classed for their + intrinsic worth no less than their ultimate purport. + </p> + <p> + "In the Christmas book presently under notice, the author appears (under + the thin disguise of Mr. Michael Angelo Titmarsh) in 'propria persona' as + the popular author, the contributor to Punch, the remorseless pursuer of + unconscious vulgarity and feeble-mindedness, launched upon a tour of + relaxation to the Rhine. But though exercising, as is the wont of popular + authors in their moments of leisure, a plentiful reserve of those higher + qualities to which they are indebted for their fame, his professional + instincts are not altogether in abeyance. From the moment his eye lights + upon a luckless family group embarked on the same steamer with himself, + the sight of his accustomed quarry—vulgarity, imbecility, and + affectation—reanimates his relaxed sinews, and, playfully fastening + his satiric fangs upon the familiar prey, he dallies with it in mimic + ferocity like a satiated mouser. + </p> + <p> + "Though faintly and carelessly indicated, the characters are those with + which the author loves to surround himself. A tuft-hunting county + baronet's widow, an inane captain of dragoons, a graceless young baronet, + a lady with groundless pretensions to feeble health and poesy, an + obsequious nonentity her husband, and a flimsy and artificial young lady, + are the personages in whom we are expected to find amusement. Two + individuals alone form an exception to the above category, and are offered + to the respectful admiration of the reader,—the one, a shadowy + serjeant-at-law, Mr. Titmarsh's travelling companion, who escapes with a + few side puffs of flattery, which the author struggles not to render + ironical, and a mysterious countess, spoken of in a tone of religious + reverence, and apparently introduced that we may learn by what delicate + discriminations our adoration of rank should be regulated. + </p> + <p> + "To those who love to hug themselves in a sense of superiority by + admeasurement with the most worthless of their species, in their most + worthless aspects, the Kickleburys on the Rhine will afford an agreeable + treat, especially as the purveyor of the feast offers his own moments of + human weakness as a modest entree in this banquet of erring mortality. To + our own, perhaps unphilosophical, taste the aspirations towards + sentimental perfection of another popular author are infinitely preferable + to these sardonic divings after the pearl of truth, whose lustre is + eclipsed in the display of the diseased oyster. Much, in the present + instance, perhaps all, the disagreeable effect of his subject is no doubt + attributable to the absence of Mr. Thackeray's usual brilliancy of style. + A few flashes, however, occur, such as the description of M. Lenoir's + gaming establishment, with the momentous crisis to which it was subjected, + and the quaint and imaginative sallies evoked by the whole town of + Rougetnoirbourg and its lawful prince. These, with the illustrations, + which are spirited enough, redeem the book from an absolute ban. Mr. + Thackeray's pencil is more congenial than his pen. He cannot draw his men + and women with their skins off, and, therefore, the effigies of his + characters are pleasanter to contemplate than the flayed anatomies of the + letter-press." + </p> + <p> + There is the whole article. And the reader will see (in the paragraph + preceding that memorable one which winds up with the diseased oyster) that + he must be a worthless creature for daring to like the book, as he could + only do so from a desire to hug himself in a sense of superiority by + admeasurement with the most worthless of his fellow-creatures! + </p> + <p> + The reader is worthless for liking a book of which all the characters are + worthless, except two, which are offered to his respectful admiration; and + of these two the author does not respect one, but struggles not to laugh + in his face; whilst he apparently speaks of another in a tone of religious + reverence, because the lady is a countess, and because he (the author) is + a sneak. So reader, author, characters, are rogues all. Be there any + honest men left, Hal? About Printing-house Square, mayhap you may light on + an honest man, a squeamish man, a proper moral man, a man that shall talk + you Latin by the half-column if you will but hear him. + </p> + <p> + And what a style it is, that great man's! What hoighth of foine language + entoirely! How he can discoorse you in English for all the world as if it + was Latin! For instance, suppose you and I had to announce the important + news that some writers published what are called Christmas books; that + Christmas books are so called because they are published at Christmas: and + that the purpose of the authors is to try and amuse people. Suppose, I + say, we had, by the sheer force of intellect, or by other means of + observation or information, discovered these great truths, we should have + announced them in so many words. And there it is that the difference lies + between a great writer and a poor one; and we may see how an inferior man + may fling a chance away. How does my friend of the Times put these + propositions? "It has been customary," says he, "of late years for the + purveyors of amusing literature to put forth certain opuscules, + denominated Christmas books, with the ostensible intention of swelling the + tide of exhilaration, or other expansive emotions, incident upon the + exodus of the old or the inauguration of the new year." That is something + like a sentence; not a word scarcely but's in Latin, and the longest and + handsomest out of the whole dictionary. That is proper economy—as + you see a buck from Holywell Street put every pinchbeck pin, ring, and + chain which he possesses about his shirt, hands, and waistcoat, and then + go and cut a dash in the Park, or swagger with his order to the theatre. + It costs him no more to wear all his ornaments about his distinguished + person than to leave them at home. If you can be a swell at a cheap rate, + why not? And I protest, for my part, I had no idea what I was really about + in writing and submitting my little book for sale, until my friend the + critic, looking at the article, and examining it with the eyes of a + connoisseur, pronounced that what I had fancied simply to be a book was in + fact "an opuscule denominated so-and-so, and ostensibly intended to swell + the tide of expansive emotion incident upon the inauguration of the new + year." I can hardly believe as much even now—so little do we know + what we really are after, until men of genius come and interpret. + </p> + <p> + And besides the ostensible intention, the reader will perceive that my + judge has discovered another latent motive, which I had "locked up in my + own breast." The sly rogue! (if we may so speak of the court.) There is no + keeping anything from him; and this truth, like the rest, has come out, + and is all over England by this time. Oh, that all England, which has + bought the judge's charge, would purchase the prisoner's plea in + mitigation! "Oh, that any muse should be set on a high stool," says the + bench, "to cast up accounts and balance a ledger! Yet so it is; and the + popular author finds it convenient to fill up the declared deficit by the + emission of Christmas books—a kind of assignats that bear the stamp + of their origin in the vacuity of the writer's exchequer." There is a + trope for you! You rascal, you wrote because you wanted money! His + lordship has found out what you were at, and that there is a deficit in + your till. But he goes on to say that we poor devils are to be pitied in + our necessity; and that these compositions are no more to be taken as + examples of our merits than the verses which the dustman leaves at his + lordship's door, "as a provocative of the expected annual gratuity," are + to be considered as measuring his, the scavenger's, valuable services—nevertheless + the author's and the scavenger's "effusions may fairly be classed, for + their intrinsic worth, no less than their ultimate purport." + </p> + <p> + Heaven bless his lordship on the bench—What a gentle manlike + badinage he has, and what a charming and playful wit always at hand! What + a sense he has for a simile, or what Mrs. Malaprop calls an odorous + comparison, and how gracefully he conducts it to "its ultimate purport." A + gentleman writing a poor little book is a scavenger asking for a + Christmas-box! + </p> + <p> + As I try this small beer which has called down such a deal of thunder, I + can't help thinking that it is not Jove who has interfered (the case was + scarce worthy of his divine vindictiveness); but the Thunderer's man, + Jupiter Jeames, taking his master's place, adopting his manner, and trying + to dazzle and roar like his awful employer. That figure of the dustman has + hardly been flung from heaven: that "ultimate purport" is a subject which + the Immortal would hardly handle. Well, well; let us allow that the book + is not worthy of such a polite critic—that the beer is not strong + enough for a gentleman who has taste and experience in beer. + </p> + <p> + That opinion no man can ask his honor to alter; but (the beer being the + question), why make unpleasant allusions to the Gazette, and hint at the + probable bankruptcy of the brewer? Why twit me with my poverty; and what + can the Times' critic know about the vacuity of my exchequer? Did he ever + lend me any money? Does he not himself write for money? (and who would + grudge it to such a polite and generous and learned author?) If he finds + no disgrace in being paid, why should I? If he has ever been poor, why + should he joke at my empty exchequer? Of course such a genius is paid for + his work: with such neat logic, such a pure style, such a charming + poetical turn of phrase, of course a critic gets money. Why, a man who can + say of a Christmas book that "it is an opuscule denominated so-and-so, and + ostensibly intended to swell the tide of expansive emotion incident upon + the exodus of the old year," must evidently have had immense sums and care + expended on his early education, and deserves a splendid return. You can't + go into the market, and get scholarship like THAT, without paying for it: + even the flogging that such a writer must have had in early youth (if he + was at a public school where the rods were paid for), must have cost his + parents a good sum. Where would you find any but an accomplished classical + scholar to compare the books of the present (or indeed any other) writer + to "sardonic divings after the pearl of truth, whose lustre is eclipsed in + the display of the diseased oyster;" mere Billingsgate doesn't turn out + oysters like these; they are of the Lucrine lake:—this satirist has + pickled his rods in Latin brine. Fancy, not merely a diver, but a sardonic + diver: and the expression of his confounded countenance on discovering not + only a pearl, but an eclipsed pearl, which was in a diseased oyster! I say + it is only by an uncommon and happy combination of taste, genius, and + industry, that a man can arrive at uttering such sentiments in such fine + language,—that such a man ought to be well paid, as I have no doubt + he is, and that he is worthily employed to write literary articles, in + large type, in the leading journal of Europe. Don't we want men of + eminence and polite learning to sit on the literary bench, and to direct + the public opinion? + </p> + <p> + But when this profound scholar compares me to a scavenger who leaves a + copy of verses at his door and begs for a Christmas-box, I must again cry + out and say, "My dear sir, it is true your simile is offensive, but can + you make it out? Are you not hasty in your figures and illusions?" If I + might give a hint to so consummate a rhetorician, you should be more + careful in making your figures figures, and your similes like: for + instance, when you talk of a book "swelling the tide of exhilaration + incident to the inauguration of the new year," or of a book "bearing the + stamp of its origin in vacuity," &c.,—or of a man diving + sardonically; or of a pearl eclipsed in the display of a diseased oyster—there + are some people who will not apprehend your meaning: some will doubt + whether you had a meaning: some even will question your great powers, and + say, "Is this man to be a critic in a newspaper, which knows what English, + and Latin too, and what sense and scholarship, are?" I don't quarrel with + you—I take for granted your wit and learning, your modesty and + benevolence—but why scavenger—Jupiter Jeames—why + scavenger? A gentleman, whose biography the Examiner was fond of quoting + before it took its present serious and orthodox turn, was pursued by an + outraged wife to the very last stage of his existence with an appeal + almost as pathetic—Ah, sir, why scavenger? + </p> + <p> + How can I be like a dustman that rings for a Christmas-box at your + hall-door? I never was there in my life. I never left at your door a copy + of verses provocative of an annual gratuity, as your noble honor styles + it. Who are you? If you are the man I take you to be, it must have been + you who asked the publisher for my book, and not I who sent it in, and + begged a gratuity of your worship. You abused me out of the Times' window; + but if ever your noble honor sent me a gratuity out of your own door, may + I never drive another dust-cart. "Provocative of a gratuity!" O splendid + swell! How much was it your worship sent out to me by the footman? Every + farthing you have paid I will restore to your lordship, and I swear I + shall not be a halfpenny the poorer. + </p> + <p> + As before, and on similar seasons and occasions, I have compared myself to + a person following a not dissimilar calling: let me suppose now, for a + minute, that I am a writer of a Christmas farce, who sits in the pit, and + sees the performance of his own piece. There comes applause, hissing, + yawning, laughter, as may be: but the loudest critic of all is our friend + the cheap buck, who sits yonder and makes his remarks, so that all the + audience may hear. "THIS a farce!" says Beau Tibbs: "demmy! it's the work + of a poor devil who writes for money,—confound his vulgarity! This a + farce! Why isn't it a tragedy, or a comedy, or an epic poem, stap my + vitals? This a farce indeed! It's a feller as sends round his 'at, and + appeals to charity. Let's 'ave our money back again, I say." And he + swaggers off;—and you find the fellow came with an author's order. + </p> + <p> + But if, in spite of Tibbs, our "kyind friends," &c. &c. &c.—if + the little farce, which was meant to amuse Christmas (or what my classical + friend calls Exodus), is asked for, even up to Twelfth Night,—shall + the publisher stop because Tibbs is dissatisfied? Whenever that capitalist + calls to get his money back, he may see the letter from the respected + publisher, informing the author that all the copies are sold, and that + there are demands for a new edition. Up with the curtain, then! Vivat + Regina! and no money returned, except the Times "gratuity!" + </p> + <p> + M. A. TITMARSH. + </p> + <p> + January 5, 1851. + </p> + <p> + THE KICKLEBURYS ON THE RHINE. + </p> + <p> + The cabman, when he brought us to the wharf, and made his usual charge of + six times his legal fare, before the settlement of which he pretended to + refuse the privilege of an exeat regno to our luggage, glared like a + disappointed fiend when Lankin, calling up the faithful Hutchison, his + clerk, who was in attendance, said to him, "Hutchison, you will pay this + man. My name is Serjeant Lankin, my chambers are in Pump Court. My clerk + will settle with you, sir." The cabman trembled; we stepped on board; our + lightsome luggage was speedily whisked away by the crew; our berths had + been secured by the previous agency of Hutchison; and a couple of tickets, + on which were written, "Mr. Serjeant Lankin," "Mr. Titmarsh," (Lankin's, + by the way, incomparably the best and comfortablest sleeping place,) were + pinned on to two of the curtains of the beds in a side cabin when we + descended. + </p> + <p> + Who was on board? There were Jews, with Sunday papers and fruit; there + were couriers and servants straggling about; there were those bearded + foreign visitors of England, who always seem to decline to shave or wash + themselves on the day of a voyage, and, on the eve of quitting our + country, appear inclined to carry away as much as possible of its soil on + their hands and linen: there were parties already cozily established on + deck under the awning; and steady-going travellers for'ard, smoking + already the pleasant morning cigar, and watching the phenomena of + departure. + </p> + <p> + The bell rings: they leave off bawling, "Anybody else for the shore?" The + last grape and Bell's Life merchant has scuffled over the plank: the Johns + of the departing nobility and gentry line the brink of the quay, and touch + their hats: Hutchison touches his hat to me—to ME, heaven bless him! + I turn round inexpressibly affected and delighted, and whom do I see but + Captain Hicks! + </p> + <p> + "Hallo! YOU here?" says Hicks, in a tone which seems to mean, "Confound + you, you are everywhere." + </p> + <p> + Hicks is one of those young men who seem to be everywhere a great deal too + often. + </p> + <p> + How are they always getting leave from their regiments? If they are not + wanted in this country, (as wanted they cannot be, for you see them + sprawling over the railing in Rotten Row all day, and shaking their heels + at every ball in town,)—if they are not wanted in this country, I + say, why the deuce are they not sent off to India, or to Demerara, or to + Sierra Leone, by Jove?—the farther the better; and I should wish a + good unwholesome climate to try 'em, and make 'em hardy. Here is this + Hicks, then—Captain Launcelot Hicks, if you please—whose life + is nothing but breakfast, smoking, riding-school, billiards, mess, + polking, billiards, and smoking again, and da capo—pulling down his + moustaches, and going to take a tour after the immense labors of the + season. + </p> + <p> + "How do you do, Captain Hicks?" I say. "Where are you going?" + </p> + <p> + "Oh, I am going to the Whine," says Hicks; "evewybody goes to the Whine." + The WHINE indeed! I dare say he can no more spell properly than he can + speak. + </p> + <p> + "Who is on board—anybody?" I ask, with the air of a man of fashion. + "To whom does that immense pile of luggage belong—under charge of + the lady's-maid, the courier, and the British footman? A large white K is + painted on all the boxes." + </p> + <p> + "How the deuce should I know?" says Hicks, looking, as I fancy, both red + and angry, and strutting off with his great cavalry lurch and swagger: + whilst my friend the Serjeant looks at him lost in admiration, and surveys + his shining little boots, his chains and breloques, his whiskers and + ambrosial moustaches, his gloves and other dandifications, with a pleased + wonder; as the ladies of the Sultan's harem surveyed the great Lady from + Park Lane who paid them a visit; or the simple subjects of Montezuma + looked at one of Cortes's heavy dragoons. + </p> + <p> + "That must be a marquis at least," whispers Lankin, who consults me on + points of society, and is pleased to have a great opinion of my + experience. + </p> + <p> + I burst out in a scornful laugh. "THAT!" I say; "he is a captain of + dragoons, and his father an attorney in Bedford Row. The whiskers of a + roturier, my good Lankin, grow as long as the beard of a Plantagenet. It + don't require much noble blood to learn the polka. If you were younger, + Lankin, we might go for a shilling a night, and dance every evening at M. + Laurent's Casino, and skip about in a little time as well as that fellow. + Only we despise the kind of thing you know,—only we're too grave, + and too steady." + </p> + <p> + "And too fat," whispers Lankin, with a laugh. + </p> + <p> + "Speak for yourself, you maypole," says I. "If you can't dance yourself, + people can dance round you—put a wreath of flowers upon your old + poll, stick you up in a village green, and so make use of you." + </p> + <p> + "I should gladly be turned into anything so pleasant," Lankin answers; + "and so, at least, get a chance of seeing a pretty girl now and then. They + don't show in Pump Court, or at the University Club, where I dine. You are + a lucky fellow, Titmarsh, and go about in the world. As for me, I never—" + </p> + <p> + "And the judges' wives, you rogue?" I say. "Well, no man is satisfied; and + the only reason I have to be angry with the captain yonder is, that, the + other night, at Mrs. Perkins's, being in conversation with a charming + young creature—who knows all my favorite passages in Tennyson, and + takes a most delightful little line of opposition in the Church + controversy—just as we were in the very closest, dearest, + pleasantest part of the talk, comes up young Hotspur yonder, and whisks + her away in a polka. What have you and I to do with polkas, Lankin? He + took her down to supper—what have you and I to do with suppers?" + </p> + <p> + "Our duty is to leave them alone," said the philosophical Serjeant. "And + now about breakfast—shall we have some?" And as he spoke, a savory + little procession of stewards and stewards' boys, with drab tin + dish-covers, passed from the caboose, and descended the stairs to the + cabin. The vessel had passed Greenwich by this time, and had worked its + way out of the mast-forest which guards the approaches of our city. + </p> + <p> + The owners of those innumerable boxes, bags, oil-skins, guitar-cases, + whereon the letter K was engraven, appeared to be three ladies, with a + slim gentleman of two or three and thirty, who was probably the husband of + one of them. He had numberless shawls under his arm and guardianship. He + had a strap full of Murray's Handbooks and Continental Guides in his + keeping; and a little collection of parasols and umbrellas, bound + together, and to be carried in state before the chief of the party, like + the lictor's fasces before the consul. + </p> + <p> + The chief of the party was evidently the stout lady. One parasol being + left free, she waved it about, and commanded the luggage and the menials + to and fro. "Horace, we will sit there," she exclaimed, pointing to a + comfortable place on the deck. Horace went and placed the shawls and the + Guidebooks. "Hirsch, avy vou conty les bagages? tront sett morso ong too?" + The German courier said, "Oui, miladi," and bowed a rather sulky assent. + "Bowman, you will see that Finch is comfortable, and send her to me." The + gigantic Bowman, a gentleman in an undress uniform, with very large and + splendid armorial buttons, and with traces of the powder of the season + still lingering in his hair, bows, and speeds upon my lady's errand. + </p> + <p> + I recognize Hirsch, a well-known face upon the European high-road, where + he has travelled with many acquaintances. With whom is he making the tour + now?—Mr. Hirsch is acting as courier to Mr. and Mrs. Horace + Milliken. They have not been married many months, and they are travelling, + Hirsch says, with a contraction of his bushy eyebrows, with miladi, Mrs. + Milliken's mamma. "And who is her ladyship?" Hirsch's brow contracts into + deeper furrows. "It is Miladi Gigglebury," he says, "Mr. Didmarsh. Berhabs + you know her." He scowls round at her, as she calls out loudly, "Hirsch, + Hirsch!" and obeys that summons. + </p> + <p> + It is the great Lady Kicklebury of Pocklington Square, about whom I + remember Mrs. Perkins made so much ado at her last ball; and whom old + Perkins conducted to supper. When Sir Thomas Kicklebury died (he was one + of the first tenants of the Square), who does not remember the scutcheon + with the coronet with two balls, that flamed over No. 36? Her son was at + Eton then, and has subsequently taken an honorary degree at Oxford, and + been an ornament of Platt's and the "Oswestry Club." He fled into St. + James's from the great house in Pocklington Square, and from St. James's + to Italy and the Mediterranean, where he has been for some time in a + wholesome exile. Her eldest daughter's marriage with Lord Roughhead was + talked about last year; but Lord Roughhead, it is known, married Miss + Brent; and Horace Milliken, very much to his surprise, found himself the + affianced husband of Miss Lavinia Kicklebury, after an agitating evening + at Lady Polkimore's, when Miss Lavinia, feeling herself faint, went out on + to the leads (the terrace, Lady Polkimore WILL call it), on the arm of Mr. + Milliken. They were married in January: it's not a bad match for Miss K. + Lady Kicklebury goes and stops for six months of the year at Pigeoncot + with her daughter and son-in-law; and now that they are come abroad, she + comes too. She must be with Lavinia, under the present circumstances. + </p> + <p> + When I am arm-in-arm, I tell this story glibly off to Lankin, who is + astonished at my knowledge of the world, and says, "Why, Titmarsh, you + know everything." + </p> + <p> + "I DO know a few things, Lankin my boy," is my answer. "A man don't live + in society, and PRETTY GOOD society, let me tell you, for nothing." + </p> + <p> + The fact is, that all the above details are known to almost any man in our + neighborhood. Lady Kicklebury does not meet with US much, and has greater + folks than we can pretend to be at her parties. But we know about THEM. + She'll condescend to come to Perkins's, WITH WHOSE FIRM SHE BANKS; and she + MAY overdraw HER ACCOUNT: but of that, of course, I know nothing. + </p> + <p> + When Lankin and I go down stairs to breakfast, we find, if not the best, + at least the most conspicuous places in occupation of Lady Kicklebury's + party, and the hulking London footman making a darkness in the cabin, as + he stoops through it bearing cups and plates to his employers. + </p> + <p> + [Why do they always put mud into coffee on board steamers? Why does the + tea generally taste of boiled boots? Why is the milk scarce and thin? And + why do they have those bleeding legs of boiled mutton for dinner? I ask + why? In the steamers of other nations you are well fed. Is it impossible + that Britannia, who confessedly rules the waves, should attend to the + victuals a little, and that meat should be well cooked under a Union Jack? + I just put in this question, this most interesting question, in a + momentous parenthesis, and resume the tale.] + </p> + <p> + When Lankin and I descend to the cabin, then, the tables are full of + gobbling people; and, though there DO seem to be a couple of places near + Lady Kicklebury, immediately she sees our eyes directed to the inviting + gap, she slides out, and with her ample robe covers even more than that + large space to which by art and nature she is entitled, and calling out, + "Horace, Horace!" and nodding, and winking, and pointing, she causes her + son-in-law to extend the wing on his side. We are cut of THAT chance of a + breakfast. We shall have the tea at its third water, and those two damp + black mutton-chops, which nobody else will take, will fall to our cold + share. + </p> + <p> + At this minute a voice, clear and sweet, from a tall lady in a black veil, + says, "Mr. Titmarsh," and I start and murmur an ejaculation of respectful + surprise, as I recognize no less a person than the Right Honorable the + Countess of Knightsbridge, taking her tea, breaking up little bits of + toast with her slim fingers, and sitting between a Belgian horse-dealer + and a German violoncello-player who has a conge after the opera—like + any other mortal. + </p> + <p> + I whisper her ladyship's name to Lankin. The Serjeant looks towards her + with curiosity and awe. Even he, in his Pump Court solitudes, has heard of + that star of fashion—that admired amongst men, and even women—that + Diana severe yet simple, the accomplished Aurelia of Knightsbridge. Her + husband has but a small share of HER qualities. How should he? The turf + and the fox-chase are his delights—the smoking-room at the + "Travellers'"—nay, shall we say it?—the illuminated arcades of + "Vauxhall," and the gambols of the dishevelled Terpsichore. Knightsbridge + has his faults—ah! even the peerage of England is not exempt from + them. With Diana for his wife, he flies the halls where she sits severe + and serene, and is to be found (shrouded in smoke, 'tis true,) in those + caves where the contrite chimney-sweep sings his terrible death chant, or + the Bacchanalian judge administers a satiric law. Lord Knightsbridge has + his faults, then; but he has the gout at Rougetnoirbourg, near the Rhine, + and thither his wife is hastening to minister to him. + </p> + <p> + "I have done," says Lady Knightsbridge, with a gentle bow, as she rises; + "you may have this place, Mr. Titmarsh; and I am sorry my breakfast is + over: I should have prolonged it had I thought that YOU were coming to sit + by me. Thank you—my glove." (Such an absurd little glove, by the + way). "We shall meet on the deck when you have done." + </p> + <p> + And she moves away with an august curtsy. I can't tell how it is, or what + it is, in that lady; but she says, "How do you do?" as nobody else knows + how to say it. In all her actions, motions, thoughts, I would wager there + is the same calm grace and harmony. She is not very handsome, being very + thin, and rather sad-looking. She is not very witty, being only up to the + conversation, whatever it may be; and yet, if she were in black serge, I + think one could not help seeing that she was a Princess, and Serene + Highness; and if she were a hundred years old, she could not be but + beautiful. I saw her performing her devotions in Antwerp Cathedral, and + forgot to look at anything else there;—so calm and pure, such a + sainted figure hers seemed. + </p> + <p> + When this great lady did the present writer the honor to shake his hand (I + had the honor to teach writing and the rudiments of Latin to the young and + intelligent Lord Viscount Pimlico), there seemed to be a commotion in the + Kicklebury party—heads were nodded together, and turned towards Lady + Knightsbridge: in whose honor, when Lady Kicklebury had sufficiently + reconnoitred her with her eye-glass, the baronet's lady rose and swept a + reverential curtsy, backing until she fell up against the cushions at the + stern of the boat. Lady Knightsbridge did not see this salute, for she did + not acknowledge it, but walked away slimly (she seems to glide in and out + of the room), and disappeared up the stair to the deck. + </p> + <p> + Lankin and I took our places, the horse-dealer making room for us; and I + could not help looking, with a little air of triumph, over to the + Kicklebury faction, as much as to say, "You fine folks, with your large + footman and supercilious airs, see what WE can do." + </p> + <p> + As I looked—smiling, and nodding, and laughing at me, in a knowing, + pretty way, and then leaning to mamma as if in explanation, what face + should I see but that of the young lady at Mrs. Perkins's, with whom I had + had that pleasant conversation which had been interrupted by the demand of + Captain Hicks for a dance? So, then, that was Miss Kicklebury, about whom + Miss Perkins, my young friend, has so often spoken to me: the young ladies + were in conversation when I had the happiness of joining them; and Miss P. + went away presently, to look to her guests—that is Miss Fanny + Kicklebury. + </p> + <p> + A sudden pang shot athwart my bosom—Lankin might have perceived it, + but the honest Serjeant was so awe-stricken by his late interview with the + Countess of Knightsbridge, that his mind was unfit to grapple with other + subjects—a pang of feeling (which I concealed under the grin and + graceful bow wherewith Miss Fanny's salutations were acknowledged) tore my + heart-strings—as I thought of—I need not say—of HICKS. + </p> + <p> + He had danced with her, he had supped with her—he was here, on board + the boat. Where was that dragoon? I looked round for him. In quite a far + corner,—but so that he could command the Kicklebury party, I + thought,—he was eating his breakfast, the great healthy oaf, and + consuming one broiled egg after another. + </p> + <p> + In the course of the afternoon, all parties, as it may be supposed, + emerged upon deck again, and Miss Fanny and her mamma began walking the + quarter-deck with a quick pace, like a couple of post-captains. When Miss + Fanny saw me, she stopped and smiled, and recognized the gentleman who had + amused her so at Mrs. Perkins's. What a dear sweet creature Eliza Perkins + was! They had been at school together. She was going to write to Eliza + everything that happened on the voyage. + </p> + <p> + "EVERYTHING?" I said, in my particularly sarcastic manner. + </p> + <p> + "Well, everything that was worth telling. There was a great number of + things that were very stupid, and of people that were very stupid. + Everything that YOU say, Mr. Titmarsh, I am sure I may put down. You have + seen Mr. Titmarsh's funny books, mamma?" + </p> + <p> + Mamma said she had heard—she had no doubt they were very amusing. + "Was not that—ahem—Lady Knightsbridge, to whom I saw you + speaking, sir?" + </p> + <p> + "Yes; she is going to nurse Lord Knightsbridge, who has the gout at + Rougetnoirbourg." + </p> + <p> + "Indeed! how very fortunate! what an extraordinary coincidence! We are + going too," said Lady Kicklebury. + </p> + <p> + I remarked "that everybody was going to Rougetnoirbourg this year; and I + heard of two gentlemen—Count Carambole and Colonel Cannon—who + had been obliged to sleep there on a billiard-table for want of a bed." + </p> + <p> + "My son Kicklebury—are you acquainted with Sir Thomas Kicklebury?" + her ladyship said, with great stateliness—"is at Noirbourg, and will + take lodgings for us. The springs are particularly recommended for my + daughter, Mrs. Milliken and, at great personal sacrifice, I am going + thither myself: but what will not a mother do, Mr. Titmarsh? Did I + understand you to say that you have the—the entree at Knightsbridge + House? The parties are not what they used to be, I am told. Not that I + have any knowledge. I am but a poor country baronet's widow, Mr. Titmarsh; + though the Kickleburys date from Henry III., and MY family is not of the + most modern in the country. You have heard of General Guff, my father, + perhaps? aide-de-camp to the Duke of York, and wounded by his Royal + Highness's side at the bombardment of Valenciennes. WE move IN OUR OWN + SPHERE." + </p> + <p> + "Mrs. Perkins is a very kind creature," I said, "and it was a very + pleasant ball. Did you not think so, Miss Kicklebury?" + </p> + <p> + "I thought it odious," said Miss Fanny. "I mean, it WAS pleasant until + that—that stupid man—what was his name?—came and took me + away to dance with him." + </p> + <p> + "What! don't you care for a red coat and moustaches?" I asked. + </p> + <p> + "I adore genius, Mr. Titmarsh," said the young lady, with a most killing + look of her beautiful blue eyes, "and I have every one of your works by + heart—all, except the last, which I can't endure. I think it's + wicked, positively wicked—My darling Scott—how can you? And + are you going to make a Christmas-book this year?" + </p> + <p> + "Shall I tell you about it?" + </p> + <p> + "Oh, do tell us about it," said the lively, charming creature, clapping + her hands: and we began to talk, being near Lavinia (Mrs. Milliken) and + her husband, who was ceaselessly occupied in fetching and carrying books, + biscuits, pillows and cloaks, scent-bottles, the Italian greyhound, and + the thousand and one necessities of the pale and interesting bride. Oh, + how she did fidget! how she did grumble! how she altered and twisted her + position! and how she did make poor Milliken trot! + </p> + <p> + After Miss Fanny and I had talked, and I had told her my plan, which she + pronounced to be delightful, she continued:—"I never was so provoked + in my life, Mr. Titmarsh, as when that odious man came and interrupted + that dear delightful conversation." + </p> + <p> + "On your word? The odious man is on board the boat: I see him smoking just + by the funnel yonder, look! and looking at us." + </p> + <p> + "He is very stupid," said Fanny; "and all that I adore is intellect, dear + Mr. Titmarsh." + </p> + <p> + "But why is he on board?" said I, with a fin sourire. + </p> + <p> + "Why is he on board? Why is everybody on board? How do we meet? (and oh, + how glad I am to meet you again!) You don't suppose that I know how the + horrid man came here?" + </p> + <p> + "Eh! he may be fascinated by a pair of blue eyes, Miss Fanny! Others have + been so," I said. + </p> + <p> + "Don't be cruel to a poor girl, you wicked, satirical creature," she said. + "I think Captain Hicks odious—there! and I was quite angry when I + saw him on the boat. Mamma does not know him, and she was so angry with me + for dancing with him that night: though there was nobody of any particular + mark at poor dear Mrs. Perkins's—that is, except YOU, Mr. Titmarsh." + </p> + <p> + "And I am not a dancing man," I said, with a sigh. + </p> + <p> + "I hate dancing men; they can do nothing but dance." + </p> + <p> + "O yes, they can. Some of them can smoke, and some can ride, and some of + them can even spell very well." + </p> + <p> + "You wicked, satirical person. I'm quite afraid of you!" + </p> + <p> + "And some of them call the Rhine the 'Whine,'" I said, giving an admirable + imitation of poor Hicks's drawling manner. + </p> + <p> + Fanny looked hard at me, with a peculiar expression on her face. At last + she laughed. "Oh, you wicked, wicked man," she said, "what a capital mimic + you are, and so full of cleverness! Do bring up Captain Hicks—isn't + that his name?—and trot him out for us. Bring him up, and introduce + him to mamma: do now, go!" + </p> + <p> + Mamma, in the meanwhile, had waited her time, and was just going to step + down the cabin stairs as Lady Knightsbridge ascended from them. To draw + back, to make a most profound curtsy, to exclaim, "Lady Knightsbridge! I + have had the honor of seeing your ladyship at—hum—hum—hum" + (this word I could not catch)—"House,"—all these feats were + performed by Lady Kicklebury in one instant, and acknowledged with the + usual calmness by the younger lady. + </p> + <p> + "And may I hope," continues Lady Kicklebury, "that that most beautiful of + all children—a mother may say so—that Lord Pimlico has + recovered his hooping-cough? We were so anxious about him. Our medical + attendant is Mr. Topham, and he used to come from Knightsbridge House to + Pocklington Square, often and often. I am interested about the + hooping-cough. My own dear boy had it most severely; that dear girl, my + eldest daughter, whom you see stretched on the bench—she is in a + very delicate state, and only lately married—not such a match as I + could have wished: but Mr. Milliken is of a good family, distantly related + to your ladyship's. A Milliken, in George the Third's reign, married a + Boltimore, and the Boltimores, I think, are your first-cousins. They + married this year, and Lavinia is so fond of me, that she can't part with + me, and I have come abroad just to please her. We are going to Noirbourg. + I think I heard from my son that Lord Knightsbridge was at Noirbourg." + </p> + <p> + "I believe I have had the pleasure of seeing Sir Thomas Kicklebury at + Knightsbridge House," Lady Knightsbridge said, with something of sadness. + </p> + <p> + "Indeed!" and Kicklebury had never told her! He laughed at her when she + talked about great people: he told her all sorts of ridiculous stories + when upon this theme. But, at any rate, the acquaintance was made: Lady + Kicklebury would not leave Lady Knightsbridge; and, even in the throes of + sea-sickness, and the secret recesses of the cabin, WOULD talk to her + about the world, Lord Pimlico, and her father, General Guff, late + aide-de-camp to the Duke of York. + </p> + <p> + That those throes of sickness ensued, I need not say. A short time after + passing Ramsgate, Serjeant Lankin, who had been exceedingly gay and + satirical—(in his calm way; he quotes Horace, my favorite bits as an + author, to myself, and has a quiet snigger, and, so to speak, amontillado + flavor, exceedingly pleasant)—Lankin, with a rueful and livid + countenance, descended into his berth, in the which that six foot of + serjeant packed himself I don't know how. + </p> + <p> + When Lady Knightsbridge went down, down went Kicklebury. Milliken and his + wife stayed, and were ill together on deck. A palm of glory ought to be + awarded to that man for his angelic patience, energy, and suffering. It + was he who went for Mrs. Milliken's maid, who wouldn't come to her + mistress; it was he, the shyest of men, who stormed the ladies' cabin—that + maritime harem—in order to get her mother's bottle of salts; it was + he who went for the brandy-and-water, and begged, and prayed, and besought + his adored Lavinia to taste a leetle drop. Lavinia's reply was, "Don't—go + away—don't tease, Horace," and so forth. And, when not wanted, the + gentle creature subsided on the bench, by his wife's feet, and was sick in + silence. + </p> + <p> + [Mem—In married life, it seems to me, that it is almost always + Milliken and wife, or just the contrary. The angels minister to the + tyrants; or the gentle, hen-pecked husband cowers before the superior + partlet. If ever I marry, I know the sort of woman I will choose; and I + won't try her temper by over-indulgence, and destroy her fine qualities by + a ruinous subserviency to her wishes.] + </p> + <p> + Little Miss Fanny stayed on deck, as well as her sister, and looked at the + stars of heaven, as they began to shine there, and at the Foreland lights + as we passed them. I would have talked with her; I would have suggested + images of poesy, and thoughts of beauty; I would have whispered the word + of sentiment—the delicate allusion—the breathing of the soul + that longs to find a congenial heart—the sorrows and aspirations of + the wounded spirit, stricken and sad, yet not QUITE despairing; still + knowing that the hope-plant lurked in its crushed ruins—still able + to gaze on the stars and the ocean, and love their blazing sheen, their + boundless azure. I would, I say, have taken the opportunity of that stilly + night to lay bare to her the treasures of a heart that, I am happy to say, + is young still; but circumstances forbade the frank outpouring of my poet + soul: in a word, I was obliged to go and lie down on the flat of my back, + and endeavor to control OTHER emotions which struggled in my breast. + </p> + <p> + Once, in the night-watches, I arose, and came on deck; the vessel was not, + methought, pitching much; and yet—and yet Neptune was inexorable. + The placid stars looked down, but they gave me no peace. Lavinia Milliken + seemed asleep, and her Horace, in a death-like torpor, was huddled at her + feet. Miss Fanny had quitted the larboard side of the ship, and had gone + to starboard; and I thought that there was a gentleman beside her; but I + could not see very clearly, and returned to the horrid crib, where Lankin + was asleep, and the German fiddler underneath him was snoring like his own + violoncello. + </p> + <p> + In the morning we were all as brisk as bees. We were in the smooth waters + of the lazy Scheldt. The stewards began preparing breakfast with that + matutinal eagerness which they always show. The sleepers in the cabin were + roused from their horse-hair couches by the stewards' boys nudging, and + pushing, and flapping table-cloths over them. I shaved and made a neat + toilette, and came upon deck just as we lay off that little Dutch fort, + which is, I dare say, described in "Murray's Guide-book," and about which + I had some rare banter with poor Hicks and Lady Kicklebury, whose sense of + humor is certainly not very keen. He had, somehow, joined her ladyship's + party, and they were looking at the fort, and its tri-colored flag—that + floats familiar in Vandevelde's pictures—and at the lazy shipping, + and the tall roofs, and dumpy church towers, and flat pastures, lying + before us in a Cuyplike haze. + </p> + <p> + I am sorry to say, I told them the most awful fibs about that fort. How it + had been defended by the Dutch patriot, Van Swammerdam, against the united + forces of the Duke of Alva and Marshal Turenne, whose leg was shot off as + he was leading the last unsuccessful assault, and who turned round to his + aide-de-camp and said, "Allez dire an Premier Consul, que je meurs avec + regret de ne pas avoir assez fait pour la France!" which gave Lady + Kicklebury an opportunity to placer her story of the Duke of York, and the + bombardment of Valenciennes; and caused young Hicks to look at me in a + puzzled and appealing manner and hint that I was "chaffing." + </p> + <p> + "Chaffing indeed!" says I, with a particularly arch eye-twinkle at Miss + Fanny. "I wouldn't make fun of you, Captain Hicks! If you doubt my + historical accuracy, look at the 'Biographie Universelle.' I say—look + at the 'Biographie Universelle.'" + </p> + <p> + He said, "O—ah—the 'Biogwaphie Universelle' may be all vewy + well, and that; but I never can make out whether you are joking or not, + somehow; and I always fancy you are going to CAWICKACHAW me. Ha, ha!" And + he laughed, the good-natured dragoon laughed, and fancied he had made a + joke. + </p> + <p> + I entreated him not to be so severe upon me; and again he said, "Haw haw!" + and told me, "I mustn't expect to have it all MY OWN WAY, and if I gave a + hit, I must expect a Punch in return. Haw haw!" Oh, you honest young + Hicks! + </p> + <p> + Everybody, indeed, was in high spirits. The fog cleared off, the sun + shone, the ladies chatted and laughed, even Mrs. Milliken was in good + humor ("My wife is all intellect," Milliken says, looking at her with + admiration), and talked with us freely and gayly. She was kind enough to + say that it was a great pleasure to meet with a literary and well-informed + person—that one often lived with people that did not comprehend one. + She asked if my companion, that tall gentleman—Mr. Serjeant Lankin, + was he?—was literary. And when I said that Lankin knew more Greek, + and more Latin, and more law, and more history, and more everything, than + all the passengers put together, she vouchsafed to look at him with + interest, and enter into a conversation with my modest friend the + Serjeant. Then it was that her adoring husband said "his Lavinia was all + intellect;"—Lady Kicklebury saying that SHE was not a literary + woman: that in HER day few acquirements were requisite for the British + female; but that she knew THE SPIRIT OF THE AGE, and her DUTY AS A MOTHER, + and that "Lavinia and Fanny had had the best masters and the best + education which money and constant maternal solicitude could impart." If + our matrons are virtuous, as they are, and it is Britain's boast, permit + me to say that they certainly know it. + </p> + <p> + The conversation growing powerfully intellectual under Mrs. Milliken, poor + Hicks naturally became uneasy, and put an end to literature by admiring + the ladies' head-dresses. "Cab-heads, hoods, what do you call 'em?" he + asked of Miss Kicklebury. Indeed, she and her sister wore a couple of + those blue silk over-bonnets, which have lately become the fashion, and + which I never should have mentioned but for the young lady's reply. + </p> + <p> + "Those hoods!" she said—"WE CALL THOSE HOODS UGLIES! Captain Hicks." + </p> + <p> + Oh, how pretty she looked as she said it! The blue eyes looked up under + the blue hood, so archly and gayly; ever so many dimples began playing + about her face; her little voice rang so fresh and sweet, that a heart + which has never loved a tree or flower but the vegetable in question was + sure to perish—a heart worn down and sickened by repeated + disappointment, mockery, faithlessness—a heart whereof despair is an + accustomed tenant, and in whose desolate and lonely depths dwells an + abiding gloom, began to throb once more—began to beckon Hope from + the window—began to admit sunshine—began to—O Folly, + Folly! O Fanny! O Miss K., how lovely you looked as you said, "We call + those hoods Uglies!" Ugly indeed! + </p> + <p> + This is a chronicle of feelings and characters, not of events and places, + so much. All this time our vessel was making rapid way up the river, and + we saw before us the slim towers of the noble cathedral of Antwerp soaring + in the rosy sunshine. Lankin and I had agreed to go to the "Grand + Laboureur," or the Place de Meir. They give you a particular kind of + jam-tarts there—called Nun's tarts, I think—that I remember, + these twenty years, as the very best tarts—as good as the tarts + which we ate when we were boys. The "Laboureur" is a dear old quiet + comfortable hotel; and there is no man in England who likes a good dinner + better than Lankin. + </p> + <p> + "What hotel do you go to?" I asked of Lady Kicklebury. + </p> + <p> + "We go to the 'Saint Antoine' of course. Everybody goes to the 'Saint + Antoine,'" her ladyship said. "We propose to rest here; to do the + Rubens's; and to proceed to Cologne to-morrow. Horace, call Finch and + Bowman; and your courier, if he will have the condescension to wait upon + ME, will perhaps look to the baggage." + </p> + <p> + "I think, Lankin," said I, "as everybody seems going to the 'Saint + Antoine,' we may as well go, and not spoil the party." + </p> + <p> + "I think I'll go too," says Hicks; as if HE belonged to the party. + </p> + <p> + And oh, it was a great sight when we landed, and at every place at which + we paused afterwards, to see Hirsch over the Kicklebury baggage, and hear + his polyglot maledictions at the porters! If a man sometimes feels sad and + lonely at his bachelor condition, if SOME feelings of envy pervade his + heart, at seeing beauty on another's arm, and kind eyes directed towards a + happier mug than his own—at least there are some consolations in + travelling, when a fellow has but one little portmanteau or bag which he + can easily shoulder, and thinks of the innumerable bags and trunks which + the married man and the father drags after him. The married Briton on a + tour is but a luggage overseer: his luggage is his morning thought, and + his nightly terror. When he floats along the Rhine he has one eye on a + ruin, and the other on his luggage. When he is in the railroad he is + always thinking, or ordered by his wife to think, "is the luggage safe?" + It clings round him. It never leaves him (except when it DOES leave him, + as a trunk or two will, and make him doubly miserable). His carpet-bags + lie on his chest at night, and his wife's forgotten bandbox haunts his + turbid dreams. + </p> + <p> + I think it was after she found that Lady Kicklebury proposed to go to the + "Grand Saint Antoine" that Lady Knightsbridge put herself with her maid + into a carriage and went to the other inn. We saw her at the cathedral, + where she kept aloof from our party. Milliken went up the tower, and so + did Miss Fanny. I am too old a traveller to mount up those immeasurable + stairs, for the purpose of making myself dizzy by gazing upon a vast map + of low countries stretched beneath me, and waited with Mrs. Milliken and + her mother below. + </p> + <p> + When the tower-climbers descended, we asked Miss Fanny and her brother + what they had seen. + </p> + <p> + "We saw Captain Hicks up there," remarked Milliken. "And I am very glad + you didn't come, Lavinia my love. The excitement would have been too much + for you, quite too much." + </p> + <p> + All this while Lady Kicklebury was looking at Fanny, and Fanny was holding + her eyes down; and I knew that between her and this poor Hicks there could + be nothing serious, for she had laughed at him and mimicked him to me half + a dozen times in the course of the day. + </p> + <p> + We "do the Rubens's," as Lady Kicklebury says; we trudge from cathedral to + picture-gallery, from church to church. We see the calm old city, with its + towers and gables, the bourse, and the vast town-hall; and I have the + honor to give Lady Kicklebury my arm during these peregrinations, and to + hear a hundred particulars regarding her ladyship's life and family. How + Milliken has been recently building at Pigeoncot; how he will have two + thousand a year more when his uncle dies; how she had peremptorily to put + a stop to the assiduities of that unprincipled young man, Lord Roughhead, + whom Lavinia always detested, and who married Miss Brent out of sheer + pique. It was a great escape for her darling Lavinia. Roughhead is a most + wild and dissipated young man, one of Kicklebury's Christchurch friends, + of whom her son has too many, alas! and she enters into many particulars + respecting the conduct of Kicklebury—the unhappy boy's smoking, his + love of billiards, his fondness for the turf: she fears he has already + injured his income, she fears he is even now playing at Noirbourg; she is + going thither to wean him, if possible, from his companions and his + gayeties—what may not a mother effect? She only wrote to him the day + before they left London to announce that she was marching on him with her + family. He is in many respects like his poor father—the same + openness and frankness, the same easy disposition: alas! the same love of + pleasure. But she had reformed the father, and will do her utmost to call + back her dear misguided boy. She had an advantageous match for him in view—a + lady not beautiful in person, it is true, but possessed of every good + principle, and a very, very handsome fortune. It was under pretence of + flying from this lady that Kicklebury left town. But she knew better. + </p> + <p> + I say young men will be young men, and sow their wild oats; and think to + myself that the invasion of his mamma will be perhaps more surprising than + pleasant to young Sir Thomas Kicklebury, and that she possibly talks about + herself and her family, and her virtues and her daughters, a little too + much: but she WILL make a confidant of me, and all the time we are doing + the Rubens's she is talking of the pictures at Kicklebury, of her portrait + by Lawrence, pronounced to be his finest work, of Lavinia's talent for + drawing, and the expense of Fanny's music-masters; of her house in town + (where she hopes to see me); of her parties which were stopped by the + illness of her butler. She talks Kicklebury until I am sick. And oh, Miss + Fanny, all of this I endure, like an old fool, for an occasional sight of + your bright eyes and rosy face! + </p> + <p> + [Another parenthesis.—"We hope to see you in town, Mr. Titmarsh." + Foolish mockery! If all the people whom one has met abroad, and who have + said, "We hope to meet you often in town," had but made any the slightest + efforts to realize their hopes by sending a simple line of invitation + through the penny post, what an enormous dinner acquaintance one would + have had! But I mistrust people who say, "We hope to see you in town."] + </p> + <p> + Lankin comes in at the end of the day, just before dinnertime. He has + paced the whole town by himself—church, tower, and fortifications, + and Rubens, and all. He is full of Egmont and Alva. He is up to all the + history of the siege, when Chassee defended, and the French attacked the + place. After dinner we stroll along the quays; and over the quiet cigar in + the hotel court, Monsieur Lankin discourses about the Rubens pictures, in + a way which shows that the learned Serjeant has an eye for pictorial + beauty as well as other beauties in this world, and can rightly admire the + vast energy, the prodigal genius, the royal splendor of the King of + Antwerp. In the most modest way in the world he has remarked a student + making clever sketches at the Museum, and has ordered a couple of copies + from him of the famous Vandyke and the wondrous adoration of the Magi, "a + greater picture," says he, "than even the cathedral picture; in which + opinion those may agree who like." He says he thinks Miss Kicklebury is a + pretty little thing; that all my swans are geese; and that as for that old + woman, with her airs and graces, she is the most intolerable old nuisance + in the world. There is much good judgment, but there is too much sardonic + humor about Lankin. He cannot appreciate women properly. He is spoiled by + being an old bachelor, and living in that dingy old Pump Court; where, by + the way, he has a cellar fit for a Pontiff. We go to rest; they have given + us humble lodgings high up in the building, which we accept like + philosophers who travel with but a portmanteau apiece. The Kickleburys + have the grand suite, as becomes their dignity. Which, which of those + twinkling lights illumines the chamber of Miss Fanny? + </p> + <p> + Hicks is sitting in the court too, smoking his cigar. He and Lankin met in + the fortifications. Lankin says he is a sensible fellow, and seems to know + his profession. "Every man can talk well about something," the Serjeant + says. "And one man can about everything," says I; at which Lankin blushes; + and we take our flaring tallow candles and go to bed. He has us up an hour + before the starting time, and we have that period to admire Herr + Oberkellner, who swaggers as becomes the Oberkellner of a house frequented + by ambassadors; who contradicts us to our faces, and whose own countenance + is ornamented with yesterday's beard, of which, or of any part of his + clothing, the graceful youth does not appear to have divested himself + since last we left him. We recognize, somewhat dingy and faded, the + elaborate shirt-front which appeared at yesterday's banquet. Farewell, + Herr Oberkellner! May we never see your handsome countenance, washed or + unwashed, shaven or unshorn, again! + </p> + <p> + Here come the ladies: "Good morning, Miss Fanny. I hope you slept well, + Lady Kicklebury?" "A tremendous bill?" "No wonder; how can you expect + otherwise, when you have such a bad dinner?" Hearken to Hirsch's + comminations over the luggage! Look at the honest Belgian soldiers, and + that fat Freyschutz on guard, his rifle in one hand, and the other hand in + his pocket. Captain Hicks bursts into a laugh at the sight of the fat + Freyschutz, and says, "By Jove, Titmarsh, you must cawickachaw him." And + we take our seats at length and at leisure, and the railway trumpets blow, + and (save for a brief halt) we never stop till night, trumpeting by green + flats and pastures, by broad canals and old towns, through Liege and + Verviers, through Aix and Cologne, till we are landed at Bonn at + nightfall. + </p> + <p> + We all have supper, or tea—we have become pretty intimate—we + look at the strangers' book, as a matter of course, in the great room of + the "Star Hotel." Why, everybody is on the Rhine! Here are the names of + half one's acquaintance. + </p> + <p> + "I see Lord and Lady Exborough are gone on," says Lady Kicklebury, whose + eye fastens naturally on her kindred aristocracy. "Lord and Lady Wyebridge + and suite, Lady Zedland and her family." + </p> + <p> + "Hallo! here's Cutler of the Onety-oneth, and MacMull of the Greens, en + route to Noirbourg," says Hicks, confidentially. "Know MacMull? Devilish + good fellow—such a fellow to smoke." + </p> + <p> + Lankin, too, reads and grins. "Why, are they going the Rhenish circuit?" + he says, and reads: + </p> + <p> + Sir Thomas Minos, Lady Minos, nebst Begleitung, aus England. + </p> + <p> + Sir John AEacus, mit Familie und Dienerschaft, aus England. + </p> + <p> + Sir Roger Raadamanthus. + </p> + <p> + Thomas Smith, Serjeant. + </p> + <p> + Serjeant Brown and Mrs. Brown, aus England. + </p> + <p> + Serjeant Tomkins, Anglais. Madame Tomkins, Mesdemoiselles Tomkins. + </p> + <p> + Monsieur Kewsy, Conseiller de S. M. la Reine d'Angleterre. Mrs. Kewsy, + three Miss Kewsys. + </p> + <p> + And to this list Lankin, laughing, had put down his own name, and that of + the reader's obedient servant, under the august autograph of Lady + Kicklebury, who signed for herself, her son-in-law, and her suite. + </p> + <p> + Yes, we all flock the one after the other, we faithful English folks. We + can buy Harvey Sauce, and Cayenne Pepper, and Morison's Pills, in every + city in the world. We carry our nation everywhere with us; and are in our + island, wherever we go. Toto divisos orbe—always separated from the + people in the midst of whom we are. + </p> + <p> + When we came to the steamer next morning, "the castled crag of + Drachenfels" rose up in the sunrise before, and looked as pink as the + cheeks of Master Jacky, when they have been just washed in the morning. + How that rosy light, too, did become Miss Fanny's pretty dimples, to be + sure! How good a cigar is at the early dawn! I maintain that it has a + flavor which it does not possess at later hours, and that it partakes of + the freshness of all Nature. And wine, too: wine is never so good as at + breakfast; only one can't drink it, for tipsiness's sake. + </p> + <p> + See! there is a young fellow drinking soda-water and brandy already. He + puts down his glass with a gasp of satisfaction. It is evident that he had + need of that fortifier and refresher. He puts down the beaker and says, + "How are you, Titmarsh? I was SO cut last night. My eyes, wasn't I! Not in + the least: that's all." + </p> + <p> + It is the youthful descendant and heir of an ancient line: the noble Earl + of Grimsby's son, Viscount Talboys. He is travelling with the Rev. Baring + Leader, his tutor; who, having a great natural turn and liking towards the + aristocracy, and having inspected Lady Kicklebury's cards on her trunks, + has introduced himself to her ladyship already, and has inquired after Sir + Thomas Kicklebury, whom he remembers perfectly, and whom he had often the + happiness of meeting when Sir Thomas was an undergraduate at Oxford. There + are few characters more amiable, and delightful to watch and contemplate, + than some of those middle-aged Oxford bucks who hang about the university + and live with the young tufts. Leader can talk racing and boating with the + fastest young Christchurch gentleman. Leader occasionally rides to cover + with Lord Talboys; is a good shot, and seldom walks out without a setter + or a spaniel at his heels. Leader knows the "Peerage" and the "Racing + Calendar" as well as the Oxford cram-books. Leader comes up to town and + dines with Lord Grimsby. Leader goes to Court every two years. He is the + greatest swell in his common-room. He drinks claret, and can't stand + port-wine any longer; and the old fellows of his college admire him, and + pet him, and get all their knowledge of the world and the aristocracy from + him. I admire those kind old dons when they appear affable and jaunty, men + of the world, members of the "Camford and Oxbridge Club," upon the London + pavement. I like to see them over the Morning Post in the common-room; + with a "Ha, I see Lady Rackstraw has another daughter." "Poppleton there + has been at another party at X—— House, and YOU weren't asked, + my boy."—"Lord Coverdale has got a large party staying at Coverdale. + Did you know him at Christchurch? He was a very handsome man before he + broke his nose fighting the bargeman at Iffly: a light weight, but a + beautiful sparrer," &c. Let me add that Leader, although he does love + a tuft, has a kind heart: as his mother and sisters in Yorkshire know; as + all the village knows too—which is proud of his position in the + great world, and welcomes him very kindly when he comes down and takes the + duty at Christmas, and preaches to them one or two of "the very sermons + which Lord Grimsby was good enough to like, when I delivered them at + Talboys." + </p> + <p> + "You are not acquainted with Lord Talboys?" Leader asks, with a degage + air. "I shall have much pleasure in introducing you to him. Talboys, let + me introduce you to Lady Kicklebury. Sir Thomas Kicklebury was not at + Christchurch in your time; but you have heard of him, I dare say. Your son + has left a reputation at Oxford." + </p> + <p> + "I should think I have, too. He walked a hundred miles in a hundred hours. + They said he bet that he'd drink a hundred pints of beer in a hundred + hours: but I don't think he could do it—not strong beer; don't think + any man could. The beer here isn't worth a—" + </p> + <p> + "My dear Talboys," says Leader, with a winning smile, "I suppose Lady + Kicklebury is not a judge of beer—and what an unromantic subject of + conversation here, under the castled crag immortalized by Byron." + </p> + <p> + "What the deuce does it mean about peasant-girls with dark blue eyes, and + hands that offer corn and wine?" asks Talboys. "I'VE never seen any + peasant-girls, except the—ugliest set of women I ever looked at." + </p> + <p> + "The poet's license. I see, Miliken, you are making a charming sketch. You + used to draw when you were at Brasenose, Milliken; and play—yes, you + played the violoncello." + </p> + <p> + Mr. Milliken still possessed these accomplishments. He was taken up that + very evening by a soldier at Coblentz, for making a sketch of + Ehrenbreitstein. Mrs. Milliken sketches immensely too, and writes poetry: + such dreary pictures, such dreary poems! but professional people are + proverbially jealous; and I doubt whether our fellow-passenger, the + German, would even allow that Milliken could play the violoncello. + </p> + <p> + Lady Kicklebury gives Miss Fanny a nudge when Lord Talboys appears, and + orders her to exert all her fascinations. How the old lady coaxes, and she + wheedles! She pours out the Talboys' pedigree upon him; and asks after his + aunt, and his mother's family. Is he going to Noirbourg? How delightful! + There is nothing like British spirits; and to see an English matron well + set upon a young man of large fortune and high rank, is a great and + curious sight. + </p> + <p> + And yet, somehow, the British doggedness does not always answer. "Do you + know that old woman in the drab jacket, Titmarsh?" my hereditary + legislator asks of me. "What the devil is she bothering ME for, about my + aunts, and setting her daughter at me? I ain't such a fool as that. I + ain't clever, Titmarsh; I never said I was. I never pretend to be clever, + and that—but why does that old fool bother ME, hay? Heigho! I'm + devilish thirsty. I was devilish cut last night. I think I must have + another go-off. Hallo you! Kellner! Garsong! Ody soda, Oter petty vare do + dyvee de Conac. That's your sort; isn't it, Leader?" + </p> + <p> + "You will speak French well enough, if you practise," says Leader with a + tender voice; "practice is everything. Shall we dine at the table-d'hote? + Waiter! put down the name of Viscount Talboys and Mr. Leader, if you + please." + </p> + <p> + The boat is full of all sorts and conditions of men. For'ard, there are + peasants and soldiers: stumpy, placid-looking little warriors for the most + part, smoking feeble cigars and looking quite harmless under their + enormous helmets. A poor stunted dull-looking boy of sixteen, staggering + before a black-striped sentry-box, with an enormous musket on his + shoulder, does not seem to me a martial or awe-inspiring object. Has it + not been said that we carry our prejudices everywhere, and only admire + what we are accustomed to admire in our own country? + </p> + <p> + Yonder walks a handsome young soldier who has just been marrying a wife. + How happy they seem! and how pleased that everybody should remark their + happiness. It is a fact that in the full sunshine, and before a couple of + hundred people on board the Joseph Miller steamer, the soldier absolutely + kissed Mrs. Soldier; at which the sweet Fanny Kicklebury was made to + blush. + </p> + <p> + We were standing together looking at the various groups: the pretty + peasant-woman (really pretty for once,) with the red head-dress and + fluttering ribbons, and the child in her arms; the jolly fat old + gentleman, who was drinking Rhine-wine before noon, and turning his back + upon all the castles, towers, and ruins, which reflected their crumbling + peaks in the water; upon the handsome young students who came with us from + Bonn, with their national colors in their caps, with their picturesque + looks, their yellow ringlets, their budding moustaches, and with cuts upon + almost every one of their noses, obtained in duels at the university: most + picturesque are these young fellows, indeed—but ah, why need they + have such black hands? + </p> + <p> + Near us is a type, too: a man who adorns his own tale, and points his own + moral. "Yonder, in his carriage, sits the Count de Reineck, who won't + travel without that dismal old chariot, though it is shabby, costly, and + clumsy, and though the wicked red republicans come and smoke under his + very nose. Yes, Miss Fanny, it is the lusty young Germany, pulling the + nose of the worn-out old world." + </p> + <p> + "Law, what DO you mean, Mr. Titmarsh?" cries the dear Fanny. + </p> + <p> + "And here comes Mademoiselle de Reineck, with her companion. You see she + is wearing out one of the faded silk gowns which she has spoiled at the + Residenz during the season: for the Reinecks are economical, though they + are proud; and forced, like many other insolvent grandees, to do and to + wear shabby things. + </p> + <p> + "It is very kind of the young countess to call her companion 'Louise,' and + to let Louise call her 'Laure;' but if faces may be trusted,—and we + can read in one countenance conceit and tyranny; deceit and slyness in + another,—dear Louise has to suffer some hard raps from dear Laure: + and, to judge from her dress, I don't think poor Louise has her salary + paid very regularly. + </p> + <p> + "What a comfort it is to live in a country where there is neither + insolence nor bankruptcy among the great folks, nor cringing, nor flattery + among the small. Isn't it, Miss Fanny?" + </p> + <p> + Miss Fanny says, that she can't understand whether I am joking or serious; + and her mamma calls her away to look at the ruins of Wigginstein. + Everybody looks at Wigginstein. You are told in Murray to look at + Wigginstein. + </p> + <p> + Lankin, who has been standing by, with a grin every now and then upon his + sardonic countenance, comes up and says, "Titmarsh, how can you be so + impertinent?" + </p> + <p> + "Impertinent! as how?" + </p> + <p> + "The girl must understand what you mean; and you shouldn't laugh at her + own mother to her. Did you ever see anything like the way in which that + horrible woman is following the young lord about?" + </p> + <p> + "See! You see it every day, my dear fellow; only the trick is better done, + and Lady Kicklebury is rather a clumsy practitioner. See! why nobody is + better aware of the springes which are set to catch him than that young + fellow himself, who is as knowing as any veteran in May Fair. And you + don't suppose that Lady Kicklebury fancies that she is doing anything + mean, or anything wrong? Heaven bless you! she never did anything wrong in + her life. She has no idea but that everything she says, and thinks, and + does is right. And no doubt she never did rob a church: and was a faithful + wife to Sir Thomas, and pays her tradesmen. Confound her virtue! It is + that which makes her so wonderful—that brass armor in which she + walks impenetrable—not knowing what pity is, or charity; crying + sometimes when she is vexed, or thwarted, but laughing never; cringing, + and domineering by the same natural instinct—never doubting about + herself above all. Let us rise, and revolt against those people, Lankin. + Let us war with them, and smite them utterly. It is to use against these, + especially, that Scorn and Satire were invented." + </p> + <p> + "And the animal you attack," says Lankin, "is provided with a hide to + defend him—it is a common ordinance of nature." + </p> + <p> + And so we pass by tower and town, and float up the Rhine. We don't + describe the river. Who does not know it? How you see people asleep in the + cabins at the most picturesque parts, and angry to be awakened when they + fire off those stupid guns for the echoes! It is as familiar to numbers of + people as Greenwich; and we know the merits of the inns along the road as + if they were the "Trafalgar" or the "Star and Garter." How stale + everything grows! If we were to live in a garden of Eden, now, and the + gate were open, we should go out, and tramp forward, and push on, and get + up early in the morning, and push on again—anything to keep moving, + anything to get a change: anything but quiet for the restless children of + Cain. + </p> + <p> + So many thousands of English folks have been at Rougetnoirbourg in this + and last seasons, that it is scarcely needful to alter the name of that + pretty little gay, wicked place. There were so many British barristers + there this year that they called the "Hotel des Quatre Saisons" the "Hotel + of Quarter Sessions." There were judges and their wives, serjeants and + their ladies, Queen's counsel learned in the law, the Northern circuit and + the Western circuit: there were officers of half-pay and full-pay, + military officers, naval officers, and sheriffs' officers. There were + people of high fashion and rank, and people of no rank at all; there were + men and women of reputation, and of the two kinds of reputation; there + were English boys playing cricket; English pointers putting up the German + partridges, and English guns knocking them down; there were women whose + husbands, and men whose wives were at home; there were High Church and Low + Church—England turned out for a holiday, in a word. How much farther + shall we extend our holiday ground, and where shall we camp next? A winter + at Cairo is nothing now. Perhaps ere long we shall be going to Saratoga + Springs, and the Americans coming to Margate for the summer. + </p> + <p> + Apartments befitting her dignity and the number of her family had been + secured for Lady Kicklebury by her dutiful son, in the same house in which + one of Lankin's friends had secured for us much humbler lodgings. + Kicklebury received his mother's advent with a great deal of good humor; + and a wonderful figure the good-natured little baronet was when he + presented himself to his astonished friends, scarcely recognizable by his + own parent and sisters, and the staring retainers of their house. + </p> + <p> + "Mercy, Kicklebury! have you become a red republican?" his mother asked. + </p> + <p> + "I can't find a place to kiss you," said Miss Fanny, laughing to her + brother; and he gave her pretty cheek such a scrub with his red beard, as + made some folks think it would be very pleasant to be Miss Fanny's + brother. + </p> + <p> + In the course of his travels, one of Sir Thomas Kicklebury's chief + amusements and cares had been to cultivate this bushy auburn ornament. He + said that no man could pronounce German properly without a beard to his + jaws; but he did not appear to have got much beyond this preliminary step + to learning; and, in spite of his beard, his honest English accent came + out, as his jolly English face looked forth from behind that fierce and + bristly decoration, perfectly good-humored and unmistakable. We try our + best to look like foreigners, but we can't. Every Italian mendicant or + Pont Neuf beggar knows his Englishman in spite of blouse, and beard, and + slouched hat. "There is a peculiar high-bred grace about us," I whisper to + Lady Kicklebury, "an aristocratic je ne scais quoi, which is not to be + found in any but Englishmen; and it is that which makes us so immensely + liked and admired all over the Continent." Well, this may be truth or joke—this + may be a sneer or a simple assertion: our vulgarities and our insolences + may, perhaps, make us as remarkable as that high breeding which we assume + to possess. It may be that the Continental society ridicules and detests + us, as we walk domineering over Europe; but, after all, which of us would + denationalize himself? who wouldn't be an Englishman? Come, sir, + cosmopolite as you are, passing all your winters at Rome or at Paris; + exiled by choice, or poverty, from your own country; preferring easier + manners, cheaper pleasures, a simpler life: are you not still proud of + your British citizenship? and would you like to be a Frenchman? + </p> + <p> + Kicklebury has a great acquaintance at Noirbourg, and as he walks into the + great concert-room at night, introducing his mother and sisters there, he + seemed to look about with a little anxiety, lest all of his acquaintance + should recognize him. There are some in that most strange and motley + company with whom he had rather not exchange salutations, under present + circumstances. Pleasure-seekers from every nation in the world are here, + sharpers of both sexes, wearers of the stars and cordons of every court in + Europe; Russian princesses, Spanish grandees, Belgian, French, and English + nobles, every degree of Briton, from the ambassador, who has his conge, to + the London apprentice who has come out for his fortnight's lark. + Kicklebury knows them all, and has a good-natured nod for each. + </p> + <p> + "Who is that lady with the three daughters who saluted you, Kicklebury?" + asks his mother. + </p> + <p> + "That is our Ambassadress at X., ma'am. I saw her yesterday buying a penny + toy for one of her little children in Frankfort Fair." + </p> + <p> + Lady Kicklebury looks towards Lady X.: she makes her excellency an + undeveloped curtsy, as it were; she waves her plumed head (Lady K. is got + up in great style, in a rich dejeuner toilette, perfectly regardless of + expense); she salutes the ambassadress with a sweeping gesture from her + chair, and backs before her as before royalty, and turns to her daughters + large eyes full of meaning, and spreads out her silks in state. + </p> + <p> + "And who is that distinguished-looking man who just passed, and who gave + you a reserved nod?" asks her ladyship. "Is that Lord X.?" + </p> + <p> + Kicklebury burst out laughing. "That, ma'am, is Mr. Higmore, of Conduit + Street, tailor, draper, and habit-maker: and I owe him a hundred pound." + </p> + <p> + "The insolence of that sort of people is really intolerable," says Lady + Kicklebury. "There MUST be some distinction of classes. They ought not to + be allowed to go everywhere. And who is yonder, that lady with the two + boys and the—the very high complexion?" Lady Kicklebury asks. + </p> + <p> + "That is a Russian princess: and one of those little boys, the one who is + sucking a piece of barley-sugar, plays, and wins five hundred louis in a + night." + </p> + <p> + "Kicklebury, you do not play? Promise your mother you do not! Swear to me + at this moment you do not! Where are the horrid gambling-rooms? There, at + that door where the crowd is? Of course, I shall never enter them!" + </p> + <p> + "Of course not, ma'am," says the affectionate son on duty. "And if you + come to the balls here, please don't let Fanny dance with anybody, until + you ask me first: you understand. Fanny, you will take care." + </p> + <p> + "Yes, Tom," says Fanny. + </p> + <p> + "What, Hicks, how are you, old fellow? How is Platts? Who would have + thought of you being here? When did you come?" + </p> + <p> + "I had the pleasure of travelling with Lady Kicklebury and her daughters + in the London boat to Antwerp," says Captain Hicks, making the ladies a + bow. Kicklebury introduces Hicks to his mother as his most particular + friend—and he whispers Fanny that "he's as good a fellow as ever + lived, Hicks is." Fanny says, "He seems very kind and good-natured: and—and + Captain Hicks waltzes very well," says Miss Fanny with a blush, "and I + hope I may have him for one of my partners." + </p> + <p> + What a Babel of tongues it is in this splendid hall with gleaming marble + pillars: a ceaseless rushing whisper as if the band were playing its music + by a waterfall! The British lawyers are all got together, and my friend + Lankin, on his arrival, has been carried off by his brother serjeants, and + becomes once more a lawyer. "Well, brother Lankin," says old Sir Thomas + Minos, with his venerable kind face, "you have got your rule, I see." And + they fall into talk about their law matters, as they always do, wherever + they are—at a club, in a ball-room, at a dinner-table, at the top of + Chimborazo. Some of the young barristers appear as bucks with uncommon + splendor, and dance and hang about the ladies. But they have not the easy + languid deuce-may-care air of the young bucks of the Hicks and Kicklebury + school—they can't put on their clothes with that happy negligence; + their neck-cloths sit quite differently on them, somehow: they become very + hot when they dance, and yet do not spin round near so quickly as those + London youths, who have acquired experience in corpore vili, and learned + to dance easily by the practice of a thousand casinos. + </p> + <p> + Above the Babel tongues and the clang of the music, as you listen in the + great saloon, you hear from a neighboring room a certain sharp ringing + clatter, and a hard clear voice cries out, "Zero rouge," or "Trente-cinq + noir. Impair et passe." And then there is a pause of a couple of minutes, + and then the voice says, "Faites le jeu, Messieurs. Le jeu est fait, rien + ne va plus"—and the sharp ringing clatter recommences. You know what + that room is? That is Hades. That is where the spirited proprietor of the + establishment takes his toll, and thither the people go who pay the money + which supports the spirited proprietor of this fine palace and gardens. + Let us enter Hades, and see what is going on there. + </p> + <p> + Hades is not an unpleasant place. Most of the people look rather cheerful. + You don't see any frantic gamblers gnashing their teeth or dashing down + their last stakes. The winners have the most anxious faces; or the poor + shabby fellows who have got systems, and are pricking down the + alternations of red and black on cards, and don't seem to be playing at + all. On fete days the country people come in, men and women, to gamble; + and THEY seem to be excited as they put down their hard-earned florins + with trembling rough hands, and watch the turn of the wheel. But what you + call the good company is very quiet and easy. A man loses his mass of + gold, and gets up and walks off, without any particular mark of despair. + The only gentleman whom I saw at Noirbourg who seemed really affected was + a certain Count de Mustacheff, a Russian of enormous wealth, who clenched + his fists, beat his breast, cursed his stars, and absolutely cried with + grief: not for losing money, but for neglecting to win and play upon a + coup de vingt, a series in which the red was turned up twenty times + running: which series, had he but played, it is clear that he might have + broken M. Lenoir's bank, and shut up the gambling-house, and doubled his + own fortune—when he would have been no happier, and all the balls + and music, all the newspaper-rooms and parks, all the feasting and + pleasure of this delightful Rougetnoirbourg would have been at an end. + </p> + <p> + For though he is a wicked gambling prince, Lenoir, he is beloved in all + these regions; his establishment gives life to the town, to the + lodging-house and hotel-keepers, to the milliners and hackney-coachmen, to + the letters of horse-flesh, to the huntsmen and gardes-de-chasse; to all + these honest fiddlers and trumpeters who play so delectably. Were Lenoir's + bank to break, the whole little city would shut up; and all the + Noirbourgers wish him prosperity, and benefit by his good fortune. + </p> + <p> + Three years since the Noirbourgers underwent a mighty panic. There came, + at a time when the chief Lenoir was at Paris, and the reins of government + were in the hands of his younger brother, a company of adventurers from + Belgium, with a capital of three hundred thousand francs, and an + infallible system for playing rouge et noir, and they boldly challenged + the bank of Lenoir, and sat down before his croupiers, and defied him. + They called themselves in their pride the Contrebanque de Noirbourg: they + had their croupiers and punters, even as Lenoir had his: they had their + rouleaux of Napoleons, stamped with their Contrebanquish seal:—and + they began to play. + </p> + <p> + As when two mighty giants step out of a host and engage, the armies stand + still in expectation, and the puny privates and commonalty remain quiet to + witness the combat of the tremendous champions of the war: so it is said + that when the Contrebanque arrived, and ranged itself before the officers + of Lenoir—rouleau to rouleau, bank-note to bank-note, war for war, + controlment for controlment—all the minor punters and gamblers + ceased their peddling play, and looked on in silence, round the verdant + plain where the great combat was to be decided. + </p> + <p> + Not used to the vast operations of war, like his elder brother, Lenoir + junior, the lieutenant, telegraphed to his absent chief the news of the + mighty enemy who had come down upon him, asked for instructions, and in + the meanwhile met the foe-man like a man. The Contrebanque of Noirbourg + gallantly opened its campaign. + </p> + <p> + The Lenoir bank was defeated day after day, in numerous savage encounters. + The tactics of the Contrebanquist generals were irresistible: their + infernal system bore down everything before it, and they marched onwards + terrible and victorious as the Macedonian phalanx. Tuesday, a loss of + eighteen thousand florins; Wednesday, a loss of twelve thousand florins; + Thursday, a loss of forty thousand florins: night after night, the young + Lenoir had to chronicle these disasters in melancholy despatches to his + chief. What was to be done? Night after night, the Noirbourgers retired + home doubtful and disconsolate; the horrid Contrebanquists gathered up + their spoils and retired to a victorious supper. How was it to end? + </p> + <p> + Far away at Paris, the elder Lenoir answered these appeals of his brother + by sending reinforcements of money. Chests of gold arrived for the bank. + The Prince of Noirbourg bade his beleaguered lieutenant not to lose heart: + he himself never for a moment blenched in this trying hour of danger. + </p> + <p> + The Contrebanquists still went on victorious. Rouleau after rouleau fell + into their possession. At last the news came: The Emperor has joined the + Grand Army. Lenoir himself had arrived from Paris, and was once more among + his children, his people. The daily combats continued: and still, still, + though Napoleon was with the Eagles, the abominable Contrebanquists fought + and conquered. And far greater than Napoleon, as great as Ney himself + under disaster, the bold Lenoir never lost courage, never lost good-humor, + was affable, was gentle, was careful of his subjects' pleasures and + comforts, and met an adverse fortune with a dauntless smile. + </p> + <p> + With a devilish forbearance and coolness, the atrocious Contrebanque—like + Polyphemus, who only took one of his prisoners out of the cave at a time, + and so ate them off at leisure—the horrid Contrebanquists, I say, + contented themselves with winning so much before dinner, and so much + before supper—say five thousand florins for each meal. They played + and won at noon: they played and won at eventide. They of Noirbourg went + home sadly every night: the invader was carrying all before him. What must + have been the feelings of the great Lenoir? What were those of Washington + before Trenton, when it seemed all up with the cause of American + Independence; what those of the virgin Elizabeth, when the Armada was + signalled; what those of Miltiades, when the multitudinous Persian bore + down on Marathon? The people looked on at the combat, and saw their + chieftain stricken, bleeding, fallen, fighting still. + </p> + <p> + At last there came one day when the Contrebanquists had won their allotted + sum, and were about to leave the tables which they had swept so often. But + pride and lust of gold had seized upon the heart of one of their + vainglorious chieftains; and he said, "Do not let us go yet—let us + win a thousand florins more!" So they stayed and set the bank yet a + thousand florins. The Noirbourgers looked on, and trembled for their + prince. + </p> + <p> + Some three hours afterwards—a shout, a mighty shout was heard around + the windows of that palace: the town, the gardens, the hills, the + fountains took up and echoed the jubilant acclaim. Hip, hip, hip, hurrah, + hurrah, hurrah! People rushed into each other's arms; men, women, and + children cried and kissed each other. Croupiers, who never feel, who never + tremble, who never care whether black wins or red loses, took snuff from + each other's boxes, and laughed for joy; and Lenoir the dauntless, the + INVINCIBLE Lenoir, wiped the drops of perspiration from his calm forehead, + as he drew the enemy's last rouleau into his till. He had conquered. The + Persians were beaten, horse and foot—the Armada had gone down. Since + Wellington shut up his telescope at Waterloo, when the Prussians came + charging on to the field, and the Guard broke and fled, there had been no + such heroic endurance, such utter defeat, such signal and crowning + victory. Vive Lenoir! I am a Lenoirite. I have read his newspapers, + strolled in his gardens, listened to his music, and rejoice in his + victory: I am glad he beat those Contrebanquists. Dissipati sunt. The game + is up with them. + </p> + <p> + The instances of this man's magnanimity are numerous, and worthy of + Alexander the Great, or Harry the Fifth, or Robin Hood. Most gentle is he, + and thoughtful to the poor, and merciful to the vanquished. When Jeremy + Diddler, who had lost twenty pounds at his table, lay in inglorious pawn + at his inn—when O'Toole could not leave Noirbourg until he had + received his remittances from Ireland—the noble Lenoir paid + Diddler's inn bill, advanced O'Toole money upon his well-known signature, + franked both of them back to their native country again; and has never, + wonderful to state, been paid from that day to this. If you will go play + at his table, you may; but nobody forces you. If you lose, pay with a + cheerful heart. Dulce est desipere in loco. This is not a treatise of + morals. Friar Tuck was not an exemplary ecclesiastic, nor Robin Hood a + model man; but he was a jolly outlaw; and I dare say the Sheriff of + Nottingham, whose money he took, rather relished his feast at Robin's + green table. + </p> + <p> + And if you lose, worthy friend, as possibly you will, at Lenoir's pretty + games, console yourself by thinking that it is much better for you in the + end that you should lose, than that you should win. Let me, for my part, + make a clean breast of it, and own that your humble servant did, on one + occasion, win a score of Napoleons; and beginning with a sum of no less + than five shillings. But until I had lost them again I was so feverish, + excited, and uneasy, that I had neither delectation in reading the most + exciting French novels, nor pleasure in seeing pretty landscapes, nor + appetite for dinner. The moment, however, that graceless money was gone, + equanimity was restored: Paul Feval and Eugene Sue began to be + terrifically interesting again; and the dinners at Noirbourg, though by no + means good culinary specimens, were perfectly sufficient for my easy and + tranquil mind. Lankin, who played only a lawyer's rubber at whist, marked + the salutary change in his friend's condition; and, for my part, I hope + and pray that every honest reader of this volume who plays at M. Lenoir's + table will lose every shilling of his winnings before he goes away. Where + are the gamblers whom we have read of? Where are the card-players whom we + can remember in our early days? At one time almost every gentleman played, + and there were whist-tables in every lady's drawing-room. But trumps are + going out along with numbers of old-world institutions; and, before very + long, a blackleg will be as rare an animal as a knight in armor. + </p> + <p> + There was a little dwarfish, abortive, counter bank set up at Noirbourg + this year: but the gentlemen soon disagreed among themselves; and, let us + hope, were cut off in detail by the great Lenoir. And there was a + Frenchman at our inn who had won two Napoleons per day for the last six + weeks, and who had an infallible system, whereof he kindly offered to + communicate the secret for the consideration of a hundred louis; but there + came one fatal night when the poor Frenchman's system could not make head + against fortune, and her wheel went over him, and he disappeared utterly. + </p> + <p> + With the early morning everybody rises and makes his or her appearance at + the Springs, where they partake of water with a wonderful energy and + perseverance. They say that people get to be fond of this water at last; + as to what tastes cannot men accustom themselves? I drank a couple of + glasses of an abominable sort of feeble salts in a state of very gentle + effervescence; but, though there was a very pretty girl who served it, the + drink was abominable, and it was a marvel to see the various topers, who + tossed off glass after glass, which the fair-haired little Hebe delivered + sparkling from the well. + </p> + <p> + Seeing my wry faces, old Captain Carver expostulated, with a jolly twinkle + of his eye, as he absorbed the contents of a sparkling crystal beaker. + "Pooh! take another glass, sir: you'll like it better and better every + day. It refreshes you, sir: it fortifies you: and as for liking it—gad! + I remember the time when I didn't like claret. Times are altered now, ha! + ha! Mrs. Fantail, madam, I wish you a very good morning. How is Fantail? + He don't come to drink the water: so much the worse for him." + </p> + <p> + To see Mrs. Fantail of an evening is to behold a magnificent sight. She + ought to be shown in a room by herself; and, indeed, would occupy a + moderate-sized one with her person and adornments. Marie Antoinette's hoop + is not bigger than Mrs. Fantail's flounces. Twenty men taking hands (and, + indeed, she likes to have at least that number about her) would scarcely + encompass her. Her chestnut ringlets spread out in a halo round her face: + she must want two or three coiffeurs to arrange that prodigious + head-dress; and then, when it is done, how can she endure that + extraordinary gown? Her travelling bandboxes must be as large as + omnibuses. + </p> + <p> + But see Mrs. Fantail in the morning, having taken in all sail: the + chestnut curls have disappeared, and two limp bands of brown hair border + her lean, sallow face; you see before you an ascetic, a nun, a woman worn + by mortifications, of a sad yellow aspect, drinking salts at the well: a + vision quite different from that rapturous one of the previous night's + ball-room. No wonder Fantail does not come out of a morning; he had rather + not see such a Rebecca at the well. + </p> + <p> + Lady Kicklebury came for some mornings pretty regularly, and was very + civil to Mr. Leader, and made Miss Fanny drink when his lordship took a + cup, and asked Lord Talboys and his tutor to dinner. But the tutor came, + and, blushing, brought an excuse from Talboys; and poor Milliken had not a + very pleasant evening after Mr. Baring Leader rose to go away. + </p> + <p> + But though the water was not good the sun was bright, the music cheery, + the landscape fresh and pleasant, and it was always amusing to see the + vast varieties of our human species that congregated at the Springs, and + trudged up and down the green allees. One of the gambling conspirators of + the roulette-table it was good to see here, in his private character, + drinking down pints of salts like any other sinner, having a homely wife + on his arm, and between them a poodle on which they lavished their + tenderest affection. You see these people care for other things besides + trumps; and are not always thinking about black and red:—as even + ogres are represented, in their histories, as of cruel natures, and + licentious appetites, and, to be sure, fond of eating men and women; but + yet it appears that their wives often respected them, and they had a + sincere liking for their own hideous children. And, besides the + card-players, there are band-players: every now and then a fiddle from the + neighboring orchestra, or a disorganized bassoon, will step down and drink + a glass of the water, and jump back into his rank again. + </p> + <p> + Then come the burly troops of English, the honest lawyers, merchants, and + gentlemen, with their wives and buxom daughters, and stout sons, that, + almost grown to the height of manhood, are boys still, with rough + wide-awake hats and shooting-jackets, full of lark and laughter. A French + boy of sixteen has had des passions ere that time, very likely, and is + already particular in his dress, an ogler of the women, and preparing to + kill. Adolphe says to Alphonse—"La voila cette charmante Miss Fanni, + la belle Kickleburi! je te donne ma parole, elle est fraiche comme une + rose! la crois-tu riche, Alphonse?" "Je me range, mon ami, vois-tu? La vie + de garcon me pese. Ma parole d'honneur! je me range." + </p> + <p> + And he gives Miss Fanny a killing bow, and a glance which seems to say, + "Sweet Anglaise, I know that I have won your heart." + </p> + <p> + Then besides the young French buck, whom we will willingly suppose + harmless, you see specimens of the French raff, who goes aux eaux: + gambler, speculator, sentimentalist, duellist, travelling with madame his + wife, at whom other raffs nod and wink familiarly. This rogue is much more + picturesque and civilized than the similar person in our own country: + whose manners betray the stable; who never reads anything but Bell's Life; + and who is much more at ease in conversing with a groom than with his + employer. Here come Mr. Boucher and Mr. Fowler: better to gamble for a + score of nights with honest Monsieur Lenoir, than to sit down in private + once with those gentlemen. But we have said that their profession is going + down, and the number of Greeks daily diminishes. They are travelling with + Mr. Bloundell, who was a gentleman once, and still retains about him some + faint odor of that time of bloom; and Bloundell has put himself on young + Lord Talboys, and is trying to get some money out of that young nobleman. + But the English youth of the present day is a wide-awake youth, and male + or female artifices are expended pretty much in vain on our young + travelling companion. + </p> + <p> + Who come yonder? Those two fellows whom we met at the table-d'hote at the + "Hotel de Russie" the other day: gentlemen of splendid costume, and yet + questionable appearances, the eldest of whom called for the list of wines, + and cried out loud enough for all the company to hear, "Lafite, six + florins. 'Arry, shall we have some Lafite? You don't mind? No more do I + then. I say, waiter, let's 'ave a pint of ordinaire." Truth is stranger + than fiction. You good fellow, wherever you are, why did you ask 'Arry to + 'ave that pint of ordinaire in the presence of your obedient servant? How + could he do otherwise than chronicle the speech? + </p> + <p> + And see: here is a lady who is doubly desirous to be put into print, who + encourages it and invites it. It appears that on Lankin's first arrival at + Noirbourg with his travelling companion, a certain sensation was created + in the little society by the rumor that an emissary of the famous Mr. + Punch had arrived in the place; and, as we were smoking the cigar of peace + on the lawn after dinner, looking on at the benevolent, pretty scene, Mrs. + Hopkins, Miss Hopkins, and the excellent head of the family, walked many + times up and down before us; eyed us severely face to face, and then + walking away, shot back fierce glances at us in the Parthian manner; and + at length, at the third or fourth turn, and when we could not but overhear + so fine a voice, Mrs. Hopkins looks at us steadily, and says, "I'm sure he + may put ME in if he likes: I don't mind." + </p> + <p> + Oh, ma'am! Oh, Mrs. Hopkins! how should a gentleman, who had never seen + your face or heard of you before, want to put YOU in? What interest can + the British public have in you? But as you wish it, and court publicity, + here you are. Good luck go with you, madam. I have forgotten your real + name, and should not know you again if I saw you. But why could not you + leave a man to take his coffee and smoke his pipe in quiet? + </p> + <p> + We could never have time to make a catalogue of all the portraits that + figure in this motley gallery. Among the travellers in Europe, who are + daily multiplying in numbers and increasing in splendor, the United + States' dandies must not be omitted. They seem as rich as the Milor of old + days; they crowd in European capitals; they have elbowed out people of the + old country from many hotels which we used to frequent; they adopt the + French fashion of dressing rather than ours, and they grow handsomer + beards than English beards: as some plants are found to flourish and shoot + up prodigiously when introduced into a new soil. The ladies seem to be as + well dressed as Parisians, and as handsome; though somewhat more delicate, + perhaps, than the native English roses. They drive the finest carriages, + they keep the grandest houses, they frequent the grandest company—and, + in a word, the Broadway Swell has now taken his station and asserted his + dignity amongst the grandees of Europe. He is fond of asking Count Reineck + to dinner, and Grafinn Laura will condescend to look kindly upon a + gentleman who has millions of dollars. Here comes a pair of New Yorkers. + Behold their elegant curling beards, their velvet coats, their delicate + primrose gloves and cambric handkerchiefs, and the aristocratic beauty of + their boots. Why, if you had sixteen quarterings, you could not have + smaller feet than those; and if you were descended from a line of kings + you could not smoke better or bigger cigars. + </p> + <p> + Lady Kicklebury deigns to think very well of these young men, since she + has seen them in the company of grandees and heard how rich they are. "Who + is that very stylish-looking woman, to whom Mr. Washington Walker spoke + just now?" she asks of Kicklebury. + </p> + <p> + Kicklebury gives a twinkle of his eye. "Oh, that, mother! that is Madame + La Princesse de Mogador—it's a French title." + </p> + <p> + "She danced last night, and danced exceedingly well; I remarked her. + There's a very high-bred grace about the princess." + </p> + <p> + "Yes, exceedingly. We'd better come on," says Kicklebury, blushing rather + as he returns the princess's nod. + </p> + <p> + It is wonderful how large Kicklebury's acquaintance is. He has a word and + a joke, in the best German he can muster, for everybody—for the high + well-born lady, as for the German peasant maiden, or the pretty little + washerwoman, who comes full sail down the streets, a basket on her head + and one of Mrs. Fantail's wonderful gowns swelling on each arm. As we were + going to the Schloss-Garten I caught a sight of the rogue's grinning face + yesterday, close at little Gretel's ear under her basket; but spying out + his mother advancing, he dashed down a bystreet, and when we came up with + her, Gretel was alone. + </p> + <p> + One but seldom sees the English and the holiday visitors in the ancient + parts of Noirbourg; they keep to the streets of new buildings and garden + villas, which have sprung up under the magic influence of M. Lenoir, under + the white towers and gables of the old German town. The Prince of Trente + et Quarante has quite overcome the old serene sovereign of Noirbourg, whom + one cannot help fancying a prince like a prince in a Christmas pantomime—a + burlesque prince with twopence-halfpenny for a revenue, jolly and + irascible, a prime-minister-kicking prince, fed upon fabulous + plum-puddings and enormous pasteboard joints, by cooks and valets with + large heads which never alter their grin. Not that this portrait is from + the life. Perhaps he has no life. Perhaps there is no prince in the great + white tower, that we see for miles before we enter the little town. + Perhaps he has been mediatized, and sold his kingdom to Monsieur Lenoir. + Before the palace of Lenoir there is a grove of orange-trees in tubs, + which Lenoir bought from another German prince; who went straightway and + lost the money, which he had been paid for his wonderful orange-trees, + over Lenoir's green tables, at his roulette and trente-et-quarante. A + great prince is Lenoir in his way; a generous and magnanimous prince. You + may come to his feast and pay nothing, unless you please. You may walk in + his gardens, sit in his palace, and read his thousand newspapers. You may + go and play at whist in his small drawing-rooms, or dance and hear + concerts in his grand saloon—and there is not a penny to pay. His + fiddlers and trumpeters begin trumpeting and fiddling for you at the early + dawn—they twang and blow for you in the afternoon, they pipe for you + at night that you may dance—and there is nothing to pay—Lenoir + pays for all. Give him but the chances of the table, and he will do all + this and more. It is better to live under Prince Lenoir than a fabulous + old German Durchlaucht whose cavalry ride wicker horses with petticoats, + and whose prime minister has a great pasteboard head. Vive le Prince + Lenoir! + </p> + <p> + There is a grotesque old carved gate to the palace of the Durchlaucht, + from which you could expect none but a pantomime procession to pass. The + place looks asleep; the courts are grass-grown and deserted. Is the + Sleeping Beauty lying yonder, in the great white tower? What is the little + army about? It seems a sham army: a sort of grotesque military. The only + charge of infantry was this: one day when passing through the old town, + looking for sketches. Perhaps they become croupiers at night. What can + such a fabulous prince want with anything but a sham army? My favorite + walk was in the ancient quarter of the town—the dear old fabulous + quarter, away from the noisy actualities of life and Prince Lenoir's new + palace—out of eye and earshot of the dandies and the ladies in their + grand best clothes at the promenades—and the rattling whirl of the + roulette wheel—and I liked to wander in the glum old gardens under + the palace wall, and imagine the Sleeping Beauty within there. + </p> + <p> + Some one persuaded us one day to break the charm, and see the interior of + the palace. I am sorry we did. There was no Sleeping Beauty in any chamber + that we saw; nor any fairies, good or malevolent. There was a shabby set + of clean old rooms, which looked as if they had belonged to a prince hard + put to it for money, and whose tin crown jewels would not fetch more than + King Stephen's pantaloons. A fugitive prince, a brave prince struggling + with the storms of fate, a prince in exile may be poor; but a prince + looking out of his own palace windows with a dressing-gown out at elbows, + and dunned by his subject washerwoman—I say this is a painful + object. When they get shabby they ought not to be seen. "Don't you think + so, Lady Kicklebury?" Lady Kicklebury evidently had calculated the price + of the carpets and hangings, and set them justly down at a low figure. + "These German princes," she said, "are not to be put on a level with + English noblemen." "Indeed," we answer, "there is nothing so perfect as + England: nothing so good as our aristocracy; nothing so perfect as our + institutions." "Nothing! NOTHING!" says Lady K. + </p> + <p> + An English princess was once brought to reign here; and almost the whole + of the little court was kept upon her dowry. The people still regard her + name fondly; and they show, at the Schloss, the rooms which she inhabited. + Her old books are still there—her old furniture brought from home; + the presents and keepsakes sent by her family are as they were in the + princess's lifetime: the very clock has the name of a Windsor maker on its + face; and portraits of all her numerous race decorate the homely walls of + the now empty chambers. There is the benighted old king, his beard hanging + down to the star on his breast; and the first gentleman of Europe—so + lavish of his portrait everywhere, and so chary of showing his royal + person—all the stalwart brothers of the now all but extinct + generation are there; their quarrels and their pleasures, their glories + and disgraces, enemies, flatterers, detractors, admirers—all now + buried. Is it not curious to think that the King of Trumps now virtually + reigns in this place, and has deposed the other dynasty? + </p> + <p> + Very early one morning, wishing to have a sketch of the White Tower in + which our English princess had been imprisoned, I repaired to the gardens, + and set about a work, which, when completed, will no doubt have the honor + of a place on the line at the Exhibition; and, returning homewards to + breakfast, musing upon the strange fortunes and inhabitants of the queer, + fantastic, melancholy place, behold, I came suddenly upon a couple of + persons, a male and a female; the latter of whom wore a blue hood or + "ugly," and blushed very much on seeing me. The man began to laugh behind + his moustaches, the which cachinnation was checked by an appealing look + from the young lady; and he held out his hand and said, "How d'ye do, + Titmarsh? Been out making some cawickachaws, hay?" + </p> + <p> + I need not say that the youth before me was the heavy dragoon, and that + the maiden was Miss Fanny Kicklebury. Or need I repeat that, in the course + of my blighted being, I never loved a young gazelle to glad me with its + dark blue eye, but when it came to, &c., the usual disappointment, was + sure to ensue? There is no necessity why I should allude to my feelings at + this most manifest and outrageous case. I gave a withering glance of scorn + at the pair, and, with a stately salutation, passed on. + </p> + <p> + Miss Fanny came tripping after me. She held out her little hand with such + a pretty look of deprecation, that I could not but take it; and she said, + "Mr. Titmarsh, if you please, I want to speak to you, if you please;" and, + choking with emotion, I bade her speak on. + </p> + <p> + "My brother knows all about it, and, highly approves of Captain Hicks," + she said, with her head hanging down; "and oh, he's very good and kind: + and I know him MUCH better now, than I did when we were on board the + steamer." + </p> + <p> + I thought how I had mimicked him, and what an ass I had been. + </p> + <p> + "And you know," she continued, "that you have quite deserted me for the + last ten days for your great acquaintances." + </p> + <p> + "I have been to play chess with Lord Knightsbridge, who has the gout." + </p> + <p> + "And to drink tea constantly with that American lady; and you have written + verses in her album; and in Lavinia's album; and as I saw that you had + quite thrown me off, why I—my brother approves of it highly; and—and + Captain Hicks likes you very much, and says you amuse him very much—indeed + he does," says the arch little wretch. And then she added a postscript, as + it were to her letter, which contained, as usual, the point which she + wished to urge:— + </p> + <p> + "You—won't break it to mamma—will you be so kind? My brother + will do that"—and I promised her; and she ran away, kissing her hand + to me. And I did not say a word to Lady Kicklebury, and not above a + thousand people at Noirbourg knew that Miss Kicklebury and Captain Hicks + were engaged. + </p> + <p> + And now let those who are too confident of their virtue listen to the + truthful and melancholy story which I have to relate, and humble + themselves, and bear in mind that the most perfect among us are + occasionally liable to fall. Kicklebury was not perfect,—I do not + defend his practice. He spent a great deal more time and money than was + good for him at M. Lenoir's gaming-table, and the only thing which the + young fellow never lost was his good humor. If Fortune shook her swift + wings and fled away from him, he laughed at the retreating pinions, and + you saw him dancing and laughing as gayly after losing a rouleau, as if he + was made of money, and really had the five thousand a year which his + mother said was the amount of the Kicklebury property. But when her + ladyship's jointure, and the young ladies' allowances, and the interest of + mortgages were paid out of the five thousand a year, I grieve to say that + the gallant Kicklebury's income was to be counted by hundreds and not by + thousands; so that, for any young lady who wants a carriage (and who can + live without one?) our friend the baronet is not a desirable specimen of + bachelors. Now, whether it was that the presence of his mamma interrupted + his pleasures, or certain of her ways did not please him, or that he had + lost all his money at roulette and could afford no more, certain it is, + that after about a fortnight's stay at Noirbourg, he went off to shoot + with Count Einhorn in Westphalia; he and Hicks parting the dearest of + friends, and the baronet going off on a pony which the captain lent to + him. Between him and Millikin, his brother-in-law, there was not much + sympathy: for he pronounced Mr. Milliken to be what is called a muff; and + had never been familiar with his elder sister Lavinia, of whose poems he + had a mean opinion, and who used to tease and worry him by teaching him + French, and telling tales of him to his mamma, when he was a schoolboy + home for the holidays. Whereas, between the baronet and Miss Fanny there + seemed to be the closest affection: they walked together every morning to + the waters; they joked and laughed with each other as happily as possible. + Fanny was almost ready to tell fibs to screen her brother's malpractices + from her mamma: she cried when she heard of his mishaps, and that he had + lost too much money at the green table; and when Sir Thomas went away, the + good little soul brought him five louis; which was all the money she had: + for you see she paid her mother handsomely for her board; and when her + little gloves and milliner's bills were settled how much was there left + out of two hundred a year? And she cried when she heard that Hicks had + lent Sir Thomas money, and went up and said, "Thank you, Captain Hicks;" + and shook hands with the captain so eagerly, that I thought he was a lucky + fellow, who had a father a wealthy attorney in Bedford Row. Heighho! I saw + how matters were going. The birds MUST sing in the spring-time, and the + flowers bud. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Milliken, in her character of invalid, took the advantage of her + situation to have her husband constantly about her, reading to her, or + fetching the doctor to her, or watching her whilst she was dozing, and so + forth; and Lady Kicklebury found the life which this pair led rather more + monotonous than that sort of existence which she liked, and would leave + them alone with Fanny (Captain Hicks not uncommonly coming in to take tea + with the three), whilst her ladyship went to the Redoute to hear the + music, or read the papers, or play a game of whist there. + </p> + <p> + The newspaper-room at Noirbourg is next to the roulette-room, into which + the doors are always open; and Lady K. would come, with newspaper in hand, + into this play-room, sometimes, and look on at the gamesters. I have + mentioned a little Russian boy, a little imp with the most mischievous + intelligence and good humor in his face, who was suffered by his parents + to play as much as he chose, and who pulled bonbons out of one pocket and + Napoleons out of the other, and seemed to have quite a diabolical luck at + the table. + </p> + <p> + Lady Kicklebury's terror and interest at seeing this boy were extreme. She + watched him and watched him, and he seemed always to win; and at last her + ladyship put down just a florin—only just one florin—on one of + the numbers at roulette which the little Russian imp was backing. Number + twenty-seven came up, and the croupiers flung over three gold pieces and + five florins to Lady Kicklebury, which she raked up with a trembling hand. + </p> + <p> + She did not play any more that night, but sat in the playroom, pretending + to read the Times newspaper; but you could see her eye peering over the + sheet, and always fixed on the little imp of a Russian. He had very good + luck that night, and his winning made her very savage. As he retired, + rolling his gold pieces into his pocket and sucking his barley-sugar, she + glared after him with angry eyes; and went home, and scolded everybody, + and had no sleep. I could hear her scolding. Our apartments in the + Tissisch House overlooked Lady Kicklebury's suite of rooms: the great + windows were open in the autumn. Yes; I could hear her scolding, and see + some other people sitting whispering in the embrasure, or looking out on + the harvest moon. + </p> + <p> + The next evening, Lady Kicklebury shirked away from the concert; and I saw + her in the play-room again, going round and round the table; and, lying in + ambush behind the Journal des Debats, I marked how, after looking + stealthily round, my lady whipped a piece of money under the croupier's + elbow, and (there having been no coin there previously) I saw a florin on + the Zero. + </p> + <p> + She lost that, and walked away. Then she came back and put down two + florins on a number, and lost again, and became very red and angry; then + she retreated, and came back a third time, and a seat being vacated by a + player, Lady Kicklebury sat down at the verdant board. Ah me! She had a + pretty good evening, and carried off a little money again that night. The + next day was Sunday: she gave two florins at the collection at church, to + Fanny's surprise at mamma's liberality. On this night of course there was + no play. Her ladyship wrote letters, and read a sermon. + </p> + <p> + But the next night she was back at the table; and won very plentifully, + until the little Russian sprite made his appearance, when it seemed that + her luck changed. She began to bet upon him, and the young Calmuck lost + too. Her ladyship's temper went along with her money: first she backed the + Calmuck, and then she played against him. When she played against him, his + luck turned; and he began straightway to win. She put on more and more + money as she lost: her winnings went: gold came out of secret pockets. She + had but a florin left at last, and tried it on a number, and failed. She + got up to go away. I watched her, and I watched Mr. Justice Aeacus, too, + who put down a Napoleon when he thought nobody was looking. + </p> + <p> + The next day my Lady Kicklebury walked over to the money-changers, where + she changed a couple of circular notes. She was at the table that night + again: and the next night, and the next night, and the next. + </p> + <p> + By about the fifth day she was like a wild woman. She scolded so, that + Hirsch, the courier, said he should retire from monsieur's service, as he + was not hired by Lady Kicklebury: that Bowman gave warning, and told + another footman in the building that he wouldn't stand the old cat no + longer, blow him if he would: that the maid (who was a Kicklebury girl) + and Fanny cried: and that Mrs. Milliken's maid, Finch, complained to her + mistress, who ordered her husband to remonstrate with her mother. Milliken + remonstrated with his usual mildness, and, of course, was routed by her + ladyship. Mrs. Milliken said, "Give me the daggers," and came to her + husband's rescue. A battle royal ensued; the scared Milliken hanging about + his blessed Lavinia, and entreating and imploring her to be calm. Mrs. + Milliken WAS calm. She asserted her dignity as mistress of her own family: + as controller of her own household, as wife of her adored husband; and she + told her mamma, that with her or here she must not interfere; that she + knew her duty as a child: but that she also knew it as a wife, as a— + The rest of the sentence was drowned, as Milliken, rushing to her, called + her his soul's angel, his adored blessing. + </p> + <p> + Lady Kicklebury remarked that Shakspeare was very right in stating how + much sharper than a thankless tooth it is to have a serpent child. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Milliken said, the conversation could not be carried on in this + manner: that it was best her mamma should now know, once for all, that the + way in which she assumed the command at Pigeoncot was intolerable; that + all the servants had given warning, and it was with the greatest + difficulty they could be soothed: and that, as their living together only + led to quarrels and painful recriminations (the calling her, after her + forbearance, A SERPENT CHILD, was an expression which she would hope to + forgive and forget,) they had better part. + </p> + <p> + Lady Kicklebury wears a front, and, I make no doubt, a complete jasey; or + she certainly would have let down her back hair at this minute, so + overpowering were her feelings, and so bitter her indignation at her + daughter's black ingratitude. She intimated some of her sentiments, by + ejaculatory conjurations of evil. She hoped her daughter might NOT feel + what ingratitude was; that SHE might never have children to turn on her + and bring her to the grave with grief. + </p> + <p> + "Bring me to the grave with fiddlestick!" Mrs. Milliken said with some + asperity. "And, as we are going to part, mamma, and as Horace has paid + EVERYTHING on the journey as yet, and we have only brought a VERY few + circular notes with us, perhaps you will have the kindness to give him + your share of the travelling expenses—for you, for Fanny, and your + two servants whom you WOULD bring with you: and the man has only been a + perfect hindrance and great useless log, and our courier has had to do + EVERYTHING. Your share is now eighty-two pounds." + </p> + <p> + Lady Kicklebury at this gave three screams, so loud that even the resolute + Lavinia stopped in her speech. Her ladyship looked wildly: "Lavinia! + Horace! Fanny my child," she said, "come here, and listen to your mother's + shame." + </p> + <p> + "What?" cried Horace, aghast. + </p> + <p> + "I am ruined! I am a beggar! Yes; a beggar. I have lost all—all at + yonder dreadful table." + </p> + <p> + "How do you mean all? How much is all?" asked Horace. + </p> + <p> + "All the money I brought with me, Horace. I intended to have paid the + whole expenses of the journey: yours, this ungrateful child's—everything. + But, a week ago, having seen a lovely baby's lace dress at the lace-shop; + and—and—won enough at wh—wh—whoo—ist to pay + for it, all but two—two florins—in an evil moment I went to + the roulette-table—and lost—every shilling: and now, on may + knees before you, I confess my shame." + </p> + <p> + I am not a tragic painter, and certainly won't attempt to depict THIS + harrowing scene. But what could she mean by saying she wished to pay + everything? She had but two twenty-pound notes: and how she was to have + paid all the expenses of the tour with that small sum, I cannot + conjecture. + </p> + <p> + The confession, however, had the effect of mollifying poor Milliken and + his wife: after the latter had learned that her mamma had no money at all + at her London bankers', and had overdrawn her account there, Lavinia + consented that Horace should advance her fifty pounds upon her ladyship's + solemn promise of repayment. + </p> + <p> + And now it was agreed that this highly respectable lady should return to + England, quick as she might: somewhat sooner than all the rest of the + public did; and leave Mr. and Mrs. Horace Milliken behind her, as the + waters were still considered highly salutary to that most interesting + invalid. And to England Lady Kicklebury went; taking advantage of Lord + Talboys' return thither to place herself under his lordship's protection; + as if the enormous Bowman was not protector sufficient for her ladyship; + and as if Captain Hicks would have allowed any mortal man, any German + student, any French tourist, any Prussian whiskerando, to do a harm to + Miss Fanny! For though Hicks is not a brilliant or poetical genius, I am + bound to say that the fellow has good sense, good manners, and a good + heart; and with these qualities, a competent sum of money, and a pair of + exceedingly handsome moustaches, perhaps the poor little Mrs. Launcelot + Hicks may be happy. + </p> + <p> + No accident befell Lady Kicklebury on her voyage homewards: but she got + one more lesson at Aix-la-Chapelle, which may serve to make her ladyship + more cautious for the future: for, seeing Madame la Princesse de Mogador + enter into a carriage on the railway, into which Lord Talboys followed, + nothing would content Lady Kicklebury but to rush into the carriage after + this noble pair; and the vehicle turned out to be what is called on the + German lines, and what I wish were established in England, the Rauch + Coupe. Having seated himself in this vehicle, and looked rather sulkily at + my lady, Lord Talboys began to smoke: which, as the son of an English + earl, heir to many thousands per annum, Lady Kicklebury permitted him to + do. And she introduced herself to Madame la Princesse de Mogador, + mentioning to her highness that she had the pleasure of meeting Madame la + Princesse at Rougetnoirbourg; that she, Lady K., was the mother of the + Chevalier de Kicklebury, who had the advantage of the acquaintance of + Madame la Princesse; and that she hoped Madame la Princesse had enjoyed + her stay at the waters. To these advances the Princess of Mogador returned + a gracious and affable salutation, exchanging glances of peculiar meaning + with two highly respectable bearded gentlemen who travelled in her suite; + and, when asked by milady whereabouts her highness's residence was at + Paris, said that her hotel was in the Rue Notre Dame de Lorette: where + Lady Kicklebury hoped to have the honor of waiting upon Madame la + Princesse de Mogador. + </p> + <p> + But when one of the bearded gentlemen called the princess by the familiar + name of Fifine, and the other said, "Veux-tu fumer, Mogador?" and the + princess actually took a cigar and began to smoke, Lady Kicklebury was + aghast, and trembled; and presently Lord Talboys burst into a loud fit of + laughter. + </p> + <p> + "What is the cause of your lordship's amusement?" asked the dowager, + looking very much frightened, and blushing like a maiden of sixteen. + </p> + <p> + "Excuse me, Lady Kicklebury, but I can't help it," he said. "You've been + talking to your opposite neighbor—she don't understand a word of + English—and calling her princess and highness, and she's no more a + princess than you or I. She is a little milliner in the street she + mentioned, and she dances at Mabille and Chateau Rouge." + </p> + <p> + Hearing these two familiar names, the princess looked hard at Lord + Talboys, but he never lost countenance; and at the next station Lady + Kicklebury rushed out of the smoking-carriage and returned to her own + place; where, I dare say, Captain Hicks and Miss Fanny were delighted once + more to have the advantage of her company and conversation. And so they + went back to England, and the Kickleburys were no longer seen on the + Rhine. If her ladyship is not cured of hunting after great people, it will + not be for want of warning: but which of us in life has not had many + warnings: and is it for lack of them that we stick to our little failings + still? + </p> + <p> + When the Kickleburys were gone, that merry little Rougetnoirbourg did not + seem the same place to me, somehow. The sun shone still, but the wind came + down cold from the purple hills; the band played, but their tunes were + stale; the promenaders paced the alleys, but I knew all their faces: as I + looked out of my windows in the Tissisch house upon the great blank + casements lately occupied by the Kickleburys, and remembered what a pretty + face I had seen looking thence but a few days back, I cared not to look + any longer; and though Mrs. Milliken did invite me to tea, and talked fine + arts and poetry over the meal, both the beverage and the conversation + seemed very weak and insipid to me, and I fell asleep once in my chair + opposite that highly cultivated being. "Let us go back, Lankin," said I to + the Serjeant, and he was nothing loth; for most of the other serjeants, + barristers, and Queen's counsel were turning homewards, by this time, the + period of term time summoning them all to the Temple. + </p> + <p> + So we went straight one day to Biberich on the Rhine, and found the little + town full of Britons, all trooping home like ourselves. Everybody comes, + and everybody goes away again, at about the same time. The Rhine + innkeepers say that their customers cease with a single day almost:—that + in three days they shall have ninety, eighty, a hundred guests; on the + fourth, ten or eight. We do as our neighbors do. Though we don't speak to + each other much when we are out a-pleasuring, we take our holiday in + common, and go back to our work in gangs. Little Biberich was so full, + that Lankin and I could not get rooms at the large inns frequented by + other persons of fashion, and could only procure a room between us, "at + the German House, where you find English comfort," says the advertisement, + "with German prices." + </p> + <p> + But oh, the English comfort of those beds! How did Lankin manage in his, + with his great long legs? How did I toss and tumble in mine; which, small + as it was, I was not destined to enjoy alone, but to pass the night in + company with anthropophagous wretched reptiles, who took their horrid meal + off an English Christian! I thought the morning would never come; and when + the tardy dawn at length arrived, and as I was in my first sleep, dreaming + of Miss Fanny, behold I was wakened up by the Serjeant, already dressed + and shaven, and who said, "Rise, Titmarsh, the steamer will be here in + three-quarters of an hour." And the modest gentleman retired, and left me + to dress. + </p> + <p> + The next morning we had passed by the rocks and towers, the old familiar + landscapes, the gleaming towns by the riverside, and the green vineyards + combed along the hills, and when I woke up, it was at a great hotel at + Cologne, and it was not sunrise yet. + </p> + <p> + Deutz lay opposite, and over Deutz the dusky sky was reddened. The hills + were veiled in the mist and the gray. The gray river flowed underneath us; + the steamers were roosting along the quays, a light keeping watch in the + cabins here and there, and its reflections quivering in the water. As I + look, the sky-line towards the east grows redder and redder. A long troop + of gray horsemen winds down the river road, and passes over the bridge of + boats. You might take them for ghosts, those gray horsemen, so shadowy do + they look; but you hear the trample of their hoofs as they pass over the + planks. Every minute the dawn twinkles up into the twilight; and over + Deutz the heaven blushes brighter. The quays begin to fill with men: the + carts begin to creak and rattle, and wake the sleeping echoes. Ding, ding, + ding, the steamers' bells begin to ring: the people on board to stir and + wake: the lights may be extinguished, and take their turn of sleep: the + active boats shake themselves, and push out into the river: the great + bridge opens, and gives them passage: the church bells of the city begin + to clink: the cavalry trumpets blow from the opposite bank: the sailor is + at the wheel, the porter at his burden, the soldier at his musket, and the + priest at his prayers. . . . + </p> + <p> + And lo! in a flash of crimson splendor, with blazing scarlet clouds + running before his chariot, and heralding his majestic approach, God's sun + rises upon the world, and all nature wakens and brightens. + </p> + <p> + O glorious spectacle of light and life! O beatific symbol of Power, Love, + Joy, Beauty! Let us look at thee with humble wonder, and thankfully + acknowledge and adore. What gracious forethought is it—what generous + and loving provision, that deigns to prepare for our eyes and to soothe + our hearts with such a splendid morning festival! For these magnificent + bounties of heaven to us, let us be thankful, even that we can feel + thankful—(for thanks surely is the noblest effort, as it is the + greatest delight, of the gentle soul)—and so, a grace for this + feast, let all say who partake of it. + </p> + <p> + See! the mist clears off Drachenfels, and it looks out from the distance, + and bids us a friendly farewell. Farewell to holiday and sunshine; + farewell to kindly sport and pleasant leisure! Let us say good-by to the + Rhine, friend. Fogs, and cares, and labor are awaiting us by the Thames; + and a kind face or two looking out for us to cheer and bid us welcome. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0006" id="link2H_4_0006"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE ROSE AND THE RING: + </h2> + <h3> + A FIRE-SIDE PANTOMIME FOR GREAT AND SMALL CHILDREN. + </h3> + <p> + BY MR. M. A. TITMARSH PRELUDE + </p> + <p> + It happened that the undersigned spent the last Christmas season in a + foreign city where there were many English children. + </p> + <p> + In that city, if you wanted to give a child's party, you could not even + get a magic-lantern or buy Twelfth-Night characters—those funny + painted pictures of the King, the Queen, the Lover, the Lady, the Dandy, + the Captain, and so on—with which our young ones are wont to + recreate themselves at this festive time. + </p> + <p> + My friend Miss Bunch, who was governess of a large family that lived in + the Piano Nobile of the house inhabited by myself and my young charges (it + was the Palazzo Poniatowski at Rome, and Messrs. Spillmann, two of the + best pastry-cooks in Christendom, have their shop on the ground floor): + Miss Bunch, I say, begged me to draw a set of Twelfth-Night characters for + the amusement of our young people. + </p> + <p> + She is a lady of great fancy and droll imagination, and having looked at + the characters, she and I composed a history about them, which was recited + to the little folks at night, and served as our FIRE-SIDE PANTOMIME. + </p> + <p> + Our juvenile audience was amused by the adventures of Giglio and Bulbo, + Rosalba and Angelica. I am bound to say the fate of the Hall Porter + created a considerable sensation; and the wrath of Countess Gruffanuff was + received with extreme pleasure. + </p> + <p> + If these children are pleased, thought I, why should not others be amused + also? In a few days Dr. Birch's young friends will be expected to + reassemble at Rodwell Regis, where they will learn everything that is + useful, and under the eyes of careful ushers continue the business of + their little lives. + </p> + <p> + But, in the meanwhile, and for a brief holiday, let us laugh and be as + pleasant as we can. And you elder folk—a little joking, and dancing, + and fooling will do even you no harm. The author wishes you a merry + Christmas, and welcomes you to the Fire-side Pantomime. + </p> + <p> + M. A. TITMARSH. + </p> + <p> + December 1854. + </p> + <p> + THE ROSE AND THE RING I. SHOWS HOW THE ROYAL FAMILY SAT DOWN TO BREAKFAST + </p> + <p> + This is Valoroso XXIV., King of Paflagonia, seated with his Queen and only + child at their royal breakfast-table, and receiving the letter which + announces to his Majesty a proposed visit from Prince Bulbo, heir of + Padella, reigning King of Crim Tartary. Remark the delight upon the + monarch's royal features. He is so absorbed in the perusal of the King of + Crim Tartary's letter, that he allows his eggs to get cold, and leaves his + august muffins untasted. + </p> + <p> + "What! that wicked, brave, delightful Prince Bulbo!" cries Princess + Angelica; "so handsome, so accomplished, so witty—the conqueror of + Rimbombamento, where he slew ten thousand giants!" + </p> + <p> + "Who told you of him, my dear?" asks his Majesty. + </p> + <p> + "A little bird," says Angelica. + </p> + <p> + "Poor Giglio!" says mamma, pouring out the tea. + </p> + <p> + "Bother Giglio!" cries Angelica, tossing up her head, which rustled with a + thousand curl-papers. + </p> + <p> + "I wish," growls the King—"I wish Giglio was. . ." + </p> + <p> + "Was better? Yes, dear, he is better," says the Queen. "Angelica's little + maid, Betsinda, told me so when she came to my room this morning with my + early tea." + </p> + <p> + "You are always drinking tea," said the monarch, with a scowl. + </p> + <p> + "It is better than drinking port or brandy-and-water," replies her + Majesty. + </p> + <p> + "Well, well, my dear, I only said you were fond of drinking tea," said the + King of Paflagonia, with an effort as if to command his temper. "Angelica! + I hope you have plenty of new dresses; your milliners' bills are long + enough. My dear Queen, you must see and have some parties. I prefer + dinners, but of course you will be for balls. Your everlasting blue velvet + quite tires me: and, my love, I should like you to have a new necklace. + Order one. Not more than a hundred or a hundred and fifty thousand + pounds." + </p> + <p> + "And Giglio, dear?" says the Queen. + </p> + <p> + "GIGLIO MAY GO TO THE ——" + </p> + <p> + "Oh, sir!" screams her Majesty. "Your own nephew! our late King's only + son." + </p> + <p> + "Giglio may go to the tailor's, and order the bills to be sent in to + Glumboso to pay. Confound him! I mean bless his dear heart. He need want + for nothing; give him a couple of guineas for pocket-money, my dear; and + you may as well order yourself bracelets while you are about the necklace, + Mrs. V." + </p> + <p> + Her Majesty, or MRS. V., as the monarch facetiously called her (for even + royalty will have its sport, and this august family were very much + attached), embraced her husband, and, twining her arm round her daughter's + waist, they quitted the breakfast-room in order to make all things ready + for the princely stranger. + </p> + <p> + When they were gone, the smile that had lighted up the eyes of the HUSBAND + and FATHER fled—the pride of the KING fled—the MAN was alone. + Had I the pen of a G. P. R. James, I would describe Valoroso's torments in + the choicest language; in which I would also depict his flashing eye, his + distended nostril—his dressing-gown, pocket-handkerchief, and boots. + But I need not say I have NOT the pen of that novelist; suffice it to say, + Valoroso was alone. + </p> + <p> + He rushed to the cupboard, seizing from the table one of the many egg-cups + with which his princely board was served for the matin meal, drew out a + bottle of right Nantz or Cognac, filled and emptied the cup several times, + and laid it down with a hoarse "Ha, ha, ha! now Valoroso is a man again!" + </p> + <p> + "But oh!" he went on (still sipping, I am sorry to say), "ere I was a + king, I needed not this intoxicating draught; once I detested the hot + brandy wine, and quaffed no other fount but nature's rill. It dashes not + more quickly o'er the rocks than I did, as, with blunderbuss in hand, I + brushed away the early morning dew, and shot the partridge, snipe, or + antlered deer! Ah! well may England's dramatist remark, 'Uneasy lies the + head that wears a crown!' Why did I steal my nephew's, my young Giglio's—? + Steal! said I? no, no, no, not steal, not steal. Let me withdraw that + odious expression. I took, and on my manly head I set, the royal crown of + Paflagonia; I took, and with my royal arm I wield, the sceptral rod of + Paflagonia; I took, and in my outstretched hand I hold, the royal orb of + Paflagonia! Could a poor boy, a snivelling, drivelling boy—was in + his nurse's arms but yesterday, and cried for sugarplums and puled for pap—bear + up the awful weight of crown, orb, sceptre? gird on the sword my royal + fathers wore, and meet in fight the tough Crimean foe?" + </p> + <p> + And then the monarch went on to argue in his own mind (though we need not + say that blank verse is not argument) that what he had got it was his duty + to keep, and that, if at one time he had entertained ideas of a certain + restitution, which shall be nameless, the prospect by a CERTAIN MARRIAGE + of uniting two crowns and two nations which had been engaged in bloody and + expensive wars, as the Paflagonians and the Crimeans had been, put the + idea of Giglio's restoration to the throne out of the question: nay, were + his own brother, King Savio, alive, he would certainly will the crown from + his own son in order to bring about such a desirable union. + </p> + <p> + Thus easily do we deceive ourselves! Thus do we fancy what we wish is + right! The King took courage, read the papers, finished his muffins and + eggs, and rang the bell for his Prime Minister. The Queen, after thinking + whether she should go up and see Giglio, who had been sick, thought, "Not + now. Business first; pleasure afterwards. I will go and see dear Giglio + this afternoon; and now I will drive to the jeweller's, to look for the + necklace and bracelets." The Princess went up into her own room, and made + Betsinda, her maid, bring out all her dresses; and as for Giglio, they + forgot him as much as I forget what I had for dinner last Tuesday + twelve-month. + </p> + <p> + II. HOW KING VALOROSO GOT THE CROWN, AND PRINCE GIGLIO WENT WITHOUT. + </p> + <p> + Paflagonia, ten or twenty thousand years ago, appears to have been one of + those kingdoms where the laws of succession were not settled; for when + King Savio died, leaving his brother Regent of the kingdom, and guardian + of Savio's orphan infant, this unfaithful regent took no sort of regard of + the late monarch's will; had himself proclaimed sovereign of Paflagonia + under the title of King Valoroso XXIV., had a most splendid coronation, + and ordered all the nobles of the kingdom to pay him homage. So long as + Valoroso gave them plenty of balls at Court, plenty of money and lucrative + places, the Paflagonian nobility did not care who was king; and as for the + people, in those early times, they were equally indifferent. The Prince + Giglio, by reason of his tender age at his royal father's death, did not + feel the loss of his crown and empire. As long as he had plenty of toys + and sweetmeats, a holiday five times a week and a horse and gun to go out + shooting when he grew a little older, and, above all, the company of his + darling cousin, the King's only child, poor Giglio was perfectly + contented; nor did he envy his uncle the royal robes and sceptre, the + great hot uncomfortable throne of state, and the enormous cumbersome crown + in which that monarch appeared from morning till night. King Valoroso's + portrait has been left to us; and I think you will agree with me that he + must have been sometimes RATHER TIRED of his velvet, and his diamonds, and + his ermine, and his grandeur. I shouldn't like to sit in that stifling + robe with such a thing as that on my head. + </p> + <p> + No doubt, the Queen must have been lovely in her youth; for though she + grew rather stout in after life, yet her features, as shown in her + portrait, are certainly PLEASING. If she was fond of flattery, scandal, + cards, and fine clothes, let us deal gently with her infirmities, which, + after all, may be no greater than our own. She was kind to her nephew; and + if she had any scruples of conscience about her husband's taking the young + Prince's crown, consoled herself by thinking that the King, though a + usurper, was a most respectable man, and that at his death Prince Giglio + would be restored to his throne, and share it with his cousin, whom he + loved so fondly. + </p> + <p> + The Prime Minister was Glumboso, an old statesman, who most cheerfully + swore fidelity to King Valoroso, and in whose hands the monarch left all + the affairs of his kingdom. All Valoroso wanted was plenty of money, + plenty of hunting, plenty of flattery, and as little trouble as possible. + As long as he had his sport, this monarch cared little how his people paid + for it: he engaged in some wars, and of course the Paflagonian newspapers + announced that he had gained prodigious victories: he had statues erected + to himself in every city of the empire; and of course his pictures placed + everywhere, and in all the print-shops: he was Valoroso the Magnanimous, + Valoroso the Victorious, Valoroso the Great, and so forth;—for even + in these early times courtiers and people knew how to flatter. + </p> + <p> + This royal pair had one only child, the Princess Angelica, who, you may be + sure, was a paragon in the courtiers' eyes, in her parents', and in her + own. It was said she had the longest hair, the largest eyes, the slimmest + waist, the smallest foot, and the most lovely complexion of any young lady + in the Paflagonian dominions. Her accomplishments were announced to be + even superior to her beauty; and governesses used to shame their idle + pupils by telling them what Princess Angelica could do. She could play the + most difficult pieces of music at sight. She could answer any one of + "Mangnall's Questions." She knew every date in the history of Paflagonia, + and every other country. She knew French, English, Italian, German, + Spanish, Hebrew, Greek, Latin, Cappadocian, Samothracian, Aegean, and Crim + Tartar. In a word, she was a most accomplished young creature; and her + governess and lady-in-waiting was the severe Countess Gruffanuff. + </p> + <p> + Would you not fancy, from this picture, that Gruffanuff must have been a + person of highest birth? She looks so haughty that I should have thought + her a princess at the very least, with a pedigree reaching as far back as + the Deluge. But this lady was no better born than many other ladies who + give themselves airs; and all sensible people laughed at her absurd + pretensions. The fact is, she had been maid-servant to the Queen when her + Majesty was only Princess, and her husband had been head footman; but + after his death or DISAPPEARANCE, of which you shall hear presently, this + Mrs. Gruffanuff, by flattering, toadying, and wheedling her royal + mistress, became a favorite with the Queen (who was rather a weak woman), + and her Majesty gave her a title, and made her nursery governess to the + Princess. + </p> + <p> + And now I must tell you about the Princess's learning and accomplishments, + for which she had such a wonderful character. Clever Angelica certainly + was, but as IDLE AS POSSIBLE. Play at sight, indeed! she could play one or + two pieces, and pretend that she had never seen them before; she could + answer half a dozen "Mangnall's Questions;" but then you must take care to + ask the RIGHT ones. As for her languages, she had masters in plenty, but I + doubt whether she knew more than a few phrases in each, for all her + presence; and as for her embroidery and her drawing, she showed beautiful + specimens, it is true, but WHO DID THEM? + </p> + <p> + This obliges me to tell the truth, and to do so I must go back ever so + far, and tell you about the FAIRY BLACKSTICK. + </p> + <p> + III. TELLS WHO THE FAIRY BLACKSTICK WAS, AND WHO WERE EVER SO MANY GRAND + PERSONAGES BESIDES. + </p> + <p> + Between the kingdoms of Paflagonia and Crim Tartary, there lived a + mysterious personage, who was known in those countries as the Fairy + Blackstick, from the ebony wand or crutch which she carried; on which she + rode to the moon sometimes, or upon other excursions of business or + pleasure, and with which she performed her wonders. When she was young, + and had been first taught the art of conjuring by the necromancer, her + father, she was always practicing her skill, whizzing about from one + kingdom to another upon her black stick, and conferring her fairy favors + upon this Prince or that. She had scores of royal godchildren; turned + numberless wicked people into beasts, birds, millstones, clocks, pumps, + boot jacks, umbrellas, or other absurd shapes; and, in a word, was one of + the most active and officious of the whole college of fairies. + </p> + <p> + But after two or three thousand years of this sport, I suppose Blackstick + grew tired of it. Or perhaps she thought, "What good am I doing by sending + this Princess to sleep for a hundred years? by fixing a black pudding on + to that booby's nose? by causing diamonds and pearls to drop from one + little girl's mouth, and vipers and toads from another's? I begin to think + I do as much harm as good by my performances. I might as well shut my + incantations up, and allow things to take their natural course. + </p> + <p> + "There were my two young goddaughters, King Savio's wife, and Duke + Padella's wife: I gave them each a present, which was to render them + charming in the eyes of their husbands, and secure the affection of those + gentlemen as long as they lived. What good did my Rose and my Ring do + these two women? None on earth. From having all their whims indulged by + their husbands, they became capricious, lazy, ill-humored, absurdly vain, + and leered and languished, and fancied themselves irresistibly beautiful, + when they were really quite old and hideous, the ridiculous creatures! + They used actually to patronise me when I went to pay them a visit—ME, + the Fairy Blackstick, who knows all the wisdom of the necromancers, and + could have turned them into baboons, and all their diamonds into strings + of onions, by a single wave of my rod!" So she locked up her books in her + cupboard, declined further magical performances, and scarcely used her + wand at all except as a cane to walk about with. + </p> + <p> + So when Duke Padella's lady had a little son (the Duke was at that time + only one of the principal noblemen in Crim Tartary), Blackstick, although + invited to the christening, would not so much as attend; but merely sent + her compliments and a silver papboat for the baby, which was really not + worth a couple of guineas. About the same time the Queen of Paflagonia + presented his Majesty with a son and heir; and guns were fired, the + capital illuminated, and no end of feasts ordained to celebrate the young + Prince's birth. It was thought the fairy, who was asked to be his + godmother, would at least have presented him with an invisible jacket, a + flying horse, a Fortunatus's purse, or some other valuable token of her + favor; but instead, Blackstick went up to the cradle of the child Giglio, + when everybody was admiring him and complimenting his royal papa and + mamma, and said, "My poor child, the best thing I can send you is a little + MISFORTUNE;" and this was all she would utter, to the disgust of Giglio's + parents, who died very soon after, when Giglio's uncle took the throne, as + we read in Chapter I. + </p> + <p> + In like manner, when CAVOLFIORE, King of Crim Tartary, had a christening + of his only child, ROSALBA, the Fairy Blackstick, who had been invited, + was not more gracious than in Prince Giglio's case. Whilst everybody was + expatiating over the beauty of the darling child, and congratulating its + parents, the Fairy Blackstick looked very sadly at the baby and its + mother, and said, "My good woman (for the Fairy was very familiar, and no + more minded a Queen than a washerwoman)—my good woman, these people + who are following you will be the first to turn against you; and as for + this little lady, the best thing I can wish her is a LITTLE MISFORTUNE." + So she touched Rosalba with her black wand, looked severely at the + courtiers, motioned the Queen an adieu with her hand, and sailed slowly up + into the air out of the window. + </p> + <p> + When she was gone, the Court people, who had been awed and silent in her + presence, began to speak. "What an odious Fairy she is" (they said)—"a + pretty Fairy, indeed! Why, she went to the King of Paflagonia's + christening, and pretended to do all sorts of things for that family; and + what has happened—the Prince, her godson, has been turned off his + throne by his uncle. Would we allow our sweet Princess to be deprived of + her rights by any enemy? Never, never, never, never!" + </p> + <p> + And they all shouted in a chorus, "Never, never, never, never!" + </p> + <p> + Now, I should like to know, and how did these fine courtiers show their + fidelity? One of King Cavolfiore's vassals, the Duke Padella just + mentioned, rebelled against the King, who went out to chastise his + rebellious subject. "Any one rebel against our beloved and august + Monarch!" cried the courtiers; "any one resist HIM? Pooh! He is + invincible, irresistible. He will bring home Padella a prisoner, and tie + him to a donkey's tail, and drive him round the town, saying, 'This is the + way the Great Cavolfiore treats rebels.'" + </p> + <p> + The King went forth to vanquish Padella; and the poor Queen, who was a + very timid, anxious creature, grew so frightened and ill that I am sorry + to say she died; leaving injunctions with her ladies to take care of the + dear little Rosalba. Of course they said they would. Of course they vowed + they would die rather than any harm should happen to the Princess. At + first the Crim Tartar Court Journal stated that the King was obtaining + great victories over the audacious rebel: then it was announced that the + troops of the infamous Padella were in flight: then it was said that the + royal army would soon come up with the enemy, and then—then the news + came that King Cavolfiore was vanquished and slain by his Majesty, King + Padella the First! + </p> + <p> + At this news, half the courtiers ran off to pay their duty to the + conquering chief, and the other half ran away, laying hands on all the + best articles in the palace; and poor little Rosalba was left there quite + alone—quite alone: she toddled from one room to another, crying, + "Countess! Duchess!" (only she said "Tountess, Duttess," not being able to + speak plain) "bring me my mutton-sop; my Royal Highness hungy! Tountess! + Duttess!" And she went from the private apartments into the throne-room + and nobody was there;—and thence into the ballroom and nobody was + there;—and thence into the pages' room and nobody was there;—and + she toddled down the great staircase into the hall and nobody was there;—and + the door was open, and she went into the court, and into the garden, and + thence into the wilderness, and thence into the forest where the wild + beasts live, and was never heard of any more! + </p> + <p> + A piece of her torn mantle and one of her shoes were found in the wood in + the mouths of two lionesses' cubs whom KING PADELLA and a royal hunting + party shot—for he was King now, and reigned over Crim Tartary. "So + the poor little Princess is done for," said he; "well, what's done can't + be helped. Gentlemen, let us go to luncheon!" And one of the courtiers + took up the shoe and put it in his pocket. And there was an end of + Rosalba! + </p> + <p> + IV. HOW BLACKSTICK WAS NOT ASKED TO THE PRINCESS ANGELICA'S CHRISTENING. + </p> + <p> + When the Princess Angelica was born, her parents not only did not ask the + Fairy Blackstick to the christening party, but gave orders to their porter + absolutely to refuse her if she called. This porter's name was Gruffanuff, + and he had been selected for the post by their Royal Highnesses because he + was a very tall fierce man, who could say "Not at home" to a tradesman or + an unwelcome visitor with a rudeness which frightened most such persons + away. He was the husband of that Countess whose picture we have just seen, + and as long as they were together they quarrelled from morning till night. + Now this fellow tried his rudeness once too often, as you shall hear. For + the Fairy Blackstick coming to call upon the Prince and Princess, who were + actually sitting at the open drawing-room window, Gruffanuff not only + denied them, but made the most ODIOUS VULGAR SIGN as he was going to slam + the door in the Fairy's face! "Git away, hold Blackstick!" said he. "I + tell you, Master and Missis ain't at home to you;" and he was, as we have + said, GOING to slam the door. + </p> + <p> + But the Fairy, with her wand, prevented the door being shut; and + Gruffanuff came out again in a fury, swearing in the most abominable way, + and asking the Fairy "whether she thought he was a-going to stay at that + there door hall day?" + </p> + <p> + "You ARE going to stay at that door all day and all night, and for many a + long year," the Fairy said, very majestically; and Gruffanuff, coming out + of the door, straddling before it with his great calves, burst out + laughing, and cried, "Ha, ha, ha! this IS a good un! Ha—ah—what's + this? Let me down—oh—o—h'm!" and then he was dumb! + </p> + <p> + For, as the Fairy waved her wand over him, he felt himself rising off the + ground, and fluttering up against the door, and then, as if a screw ran + into his stomach, he felt a dreadful pain there, and was pinned to the + door; and then his arms flew up over his head; and his legs, after + writhing about wildly, twisted under his body; and he felt cold, cold, + growing over him, as if he was turning into metal; and he said, "Oh—o—h'm!" + and could say no more, because he was dumb. + </p> + <p> + He WAS turned into metal! He was, from being BRAZEN, BRASS! He was neither + more nor less than a knocker! And there he was, nailed to the door in the + blazing summer day, till he burned almost red-hot; and there he was, + nailed to the door all the bitter winter nights, till his brass nose was + dropping with icicles. And the postman came and rapped at him, and the + vulgarest boy with a letter came and hit him up against the door. And the + King and Queen (Princess and Prince they were then) coming home from a + walk that evening, the King said, "Hullo, my dear! you have had a new + knocker put on the door. Why, it's rather like our porter in the face! + What has become of that boozy vagabond?" And the housemaid came and + scrubbed his nose with sand-paper; and once, when the Princess Angelica's + little sister was born, he was tied up in an old kid-glove; and, another + night, some LARKING young men tried to wrench him off, and put him to the + most excruciating agony with a turn screw. And then the Queen had a fancy + to have the color of the door altered; and the painters dabbed him over + the mouth and eyes, and nearly choked him, as they painted him pea-green. + I warrant he had leisure to repent of having been rude to the Fairy + Blackstick! + </p> + <p> + As for his wife, she did not miss him; and as he was always guzzling beer + at the public-house, and notoriously quarrelling with his wife, and in + debt to the tradesmen, it was supposed he had run away from all these + evils, and emigrated to Australia or America. And when the Prince and + Princess chose to become King and Queen, they left their old house, and + nobody thought of the porter any more. + </p> + <p> + V. HOW PRINCESS ANGELICA TOOK A LITTLE MAID. + </p> + <p> + One day, when the Princess Angelica was quite a little girl, she was + walking in the garden of the palace, with Mrs. Gruffanuff, the governess, + holding a parasol over her head, to keep her sweet complexion from the + freckles, and Angelica was carrying a bun, to feed the swans and ducks in + the royal pond. + </p> + <p> + They had not reached the duck-pond, when there came toddling up to them + such a funny little girl! She had a great quantity of hair blowing about + her chubby little cheeks, and looked as if she had not been washed or + combed for ever so long. She wore a ragged bit of a cloak, and had only + one shoe on. + </p> + <p> + "You little wretch, who let you in here?" asked Mrs. Gruffanuff. + </p> + <p> + "Div me dat bun," said the little girl, "me vely hungy." + </p> + <p> + "Hungry! what is that?" asked Princess Angelica, and gave the child the + bun. + </p> + <p> + "Oh, Princess!" says Mrs. Gruffanuff, "how good, how kind, how truly + angelical you are! See, Your Majesties," she said to the King and Queen, + who now came up, along with their nephew, Prince Giglio, "how kind the + Princess is! She met this little dirty wretch in the garden—I can't + tell how she came in here, or why the guards did not shoot her dead at the + gate!—and the dear darling of a Princess has given her the whole of + her bun!" + </p> + <p> + "I didn't want it," said Angelica. + </p> + <p> + "But you are a darling little angel all the same," says the governess. + </p> + <p> + "Yes; I know I am," said Angelica. "Dirty little girl, don't you think I + am very pretty?" Indeed, she had on the finest of little dresses and hats; + and, as her hair was carefully curled, she really looked very well. + </p> + <p> + "Oh, pooty, pooty!" says the little girl, capering about, laughing, and + dancing, and munching her bun; and as she ate it she began to sing, "O + what fun to have a plum bun! how I wis it never was done!" At which, and + her funny accent, Angelica, Giglio, and the King and Queen began to laugh + very merrily. + </p> + <p> + "I can dance as well as sing," says the little girl. "I can dance, and I + can sing, and I can do all sorts of ting." And she ran to a flower-bed, + and pulling a few polyanthuses, rhododendrons, and other flowers, made + herself a little wreath, and danced before the King and Queen so drolly + and prettily, that everybody was delighted. + </p> + <p> + "Who was your mother—who were your relations, little girl?" said the + Queen. + </p> + <p> + The little girl said, "Little lion was my brudder; great big lioness my + mudder; neber heard of any udder." And she capered away on her one shoe, + and everybody was exceedingly diverted. + </p> + <p> + So Angelica said to the Queen, "Mamma, my parrot flew away yesterday out + of its cage, and I don't care any more for any of my toys; and I think + this funny little dirty child will amuse me. I will take her home, and + give her some of my old frocks—" + </p> + <p> + "Oh, the generous darling!" says Mrs. Gruffanuff. + </p> + <p> + "—Which I have worn ever so many times, and am quite tired of," + Angelica went on; "and she shall be my little maid. Will you come home + with me, little dirty girl?" + </p> + <p> + The child clapped her hands, and said, "Go home with you—yes! You + pooty Princess! Have a nice dinner, and wear a new dress!" + </p> + <p> + And they all laughed again, and took home the child to the palace, where, + when she was washed and combed, and had one of the Princess's frocks given + to her, she looked as handsome as Angelica, almost. Not that Angelica ever + thought so; for this little lady never imagined that anybody in the world + could be as pretty, as good, or as clever as herself. In order that the + little girl should not become too proud and conceited, Mrs. Gruffanuff + took her old ragged mantle and one shoe, and put them into a glass box, + with a card laid upon them, upon which was written, "These were the old + clothes in which little BETSINDA was found when the great goodness and + admirable kindness of Her Royal Highness the Princess Angelica received + this little outcast." And the date was added, and the box locked up. + </p> + <p> + For a while little Betsinda was a great favorite with the Princess, and + she danced, and sang, and made her little rhymes, to amuse her mistress. + But then the Princess got a monkey, and afterwards a little dog, and + afterwards a doll, and did not care for Betsinda any more, who became very + melancholy and quiet, and sang no more funny songs, because nobody cared + to hear her. And then, as she grew older, she was made a little + lady's-maid to the Princess; and though she had no wages, she worked and + mended, and put Angelica's hair in papers, and was never cross when + scolded, and was always eager to please her mistress, and was always up + early and to bed late, and at hand when wanted, and in fact became a + perfect little maid. So the two girls grew up, and, when the Princess came + out, Betsinda was never tired of waiting on her; and made her dresses + better than the best milliner, and was useful in a hundred ways. Whilst + the Princess was having her masters, Betsinda would sit and watch them; + and in this way she picked up a great deal of learning; for she was always + awake, though her mistress was not, and listened to the wise professors + when Angelica was yawning or thinking of the next ball. And when the + dancing-master came, Betsinda learned along with Angelica; and when the + music-master came, she watched him, and practiced the Princess's pieces + when Angelica was away at balls and parties; and when the drawing-master + came, she took note of all he said and did; and the same with French, + Italian, and all other languages—she learned them from the teacher + who came to Angelica. When the Princess was going out of an evening she + would say, "My good Betsinda, you may as well finish what I have begun." + "Yes, miss," Betsinda would say, and sit down very cheerful, not to FINISH + what Angelica began, but to DO it. + </p> + <p> + For instance, the Princess would begin a head of a warrior, let us say, + and when it was begun it was something like this: + </p> + <p> + But when it was done, the warrior was like this:—(only handsomer + still if possible), and the Princess put her name to the drawing; and the + Court and King and Queen, and above all poor Giglio, admired the picture + of all things, and said, "Was there ever a genius like Angelica?" So, I am + sorry to say, was it with the Princess's embroidery and other + accomplishments; and Angelica actually believed that she did these things + herself, and received all the flattery of the Court as if every word of it + was true. Thus she began to think that there was no young woman in all the + world equal to herself, and that no young man was good enough for her. As + for Betsinda, as she heard none of these praises, she was not puffed up by + them, and being a most grateful, good-natured girl, she was only too + anxious to do everything which might give her mistress pleasure. Now you + begin to perceive that Angelica had faults of her own, and was by no means + such a wonder of wonders as people represented Her Royal Highness to be. + </p> + <p> + VI. HOW PRINCE GIGLIO BEHAVED HIMSELF. + </p> + <p> + And now let us speak about Prince Giglio, the nephew of the reigning + monarch of Paflagonia. It has already been stated, in page seven, that as + long as he had a smart coat to wear, a good horse to ride, and money in + his pocket, or rather to take out of his pocket, for he was very + good-natured, my young Prince did not care for the loss of his crown and + sceptre, being a thoughtless youth, not much inclined to politics or any + kind of learning. So his tutor had a sinecure. Giglio would not learn + classics or mathematics, and the Lord Chancellor of Paflagonia, + SQUARETOSO, pulled a very long face because the Prince could not be got to + study the Paflagonian laws and constitution; but, on the other hand, the + King's gamekeepers and huntsmen found the Prince an apt pupil; the + dancing-master pronounced that he was a most elegant and assiduous + scholar; the First Lord of the Billiard Table gave the most flattering + reports of the Prince's skill; so did the Groom of the Tennis Court; and + as for the Captain of the Guard and Fencing-master, the VALIANT and + VETERAN Count KUTASOFF HEDZOFF, he avowed that since he ran the General of + Crim Tartary, the dreadful Grumbuskin, through the body, he never had + encountered so expert a swordsman as Prince Giglio. + </p> + <p> + I hope you do not imagine that there was any impropriety in the Prince and + Princess walking together in the palace garden, and because Giglio kissed + Angelica's hand in a polite manner. In the first place they are cousins; + next, the Queen is walking in the garden too (you cannot see her, for she + happens to be behind that tree), and her Majesty always wished that + Angelica and Giglio should marry: so did Giglio: so did Angelica + sometimes, for she thought her cousin very handsome, brave, and + good-natured: but then you know she was so clever and knew so many things, + and poor Giglio knew nothing, and had no conversation. When they looked at + the stars, what did Giglio know of the heavenly bodies? Once, when on a + sweet night in a balcony where they were standing, Angelica said, "There + is the Bear." "Where?" says Giglio. "Don't be afraid, Angelica! if a dozen + bears come, I will kill them rather than they shall hurt you." "Oh, you + silly creature!" says she; "you are very good, but you are not very wise." + When they looked at the flowers, Giglio was utterly unacquainted with + botany, and had never heard of Linnaeus. When the butterflies passed, + Giglio knew nothing about them, being as ignorant of entomology as I am of + algebra. So you see, Angelica, though she liked Giglio pretty well, + despised him on account of his ignorance. I think she probably valued HER + OWN LEARNING rather too much; but to think too well of one's self is the + fault of people of all ages and both sexes. Finally, when nobody else was + there, Angelica liked her cousin well enough. + </p> + <p> + King Valoroso was very delicate in health, and withal so fond of good + dinners (which were prepared for him by his French cook Marmitonio), that + it was supposed he could not live long. Now the idea of anything happening + to the King struck the artful Prime Minister and the designing old + lady-in-waiting with terror. For, thought Glumboso and the Countess, "when + Prince Giglio marries his cousin and comes to the throne, what a pretty + position we shall be in, whom he dislikes, and who have always been unkind + to him. We shall lose our places in a trice; Mrs. Gruffanuff will have to + give up all the jewels, laces, snuff-boxes, rings, and watches which + belonged to the Queen, Giglio's mother; and Glumboso will be forced to + refund two hundred and seventeen thousand millions nine hundred and + eighty-seven thousand four hundred and thirty-nine pounds, thirteen + shillings, and sixpence halfpenny, money left to Prince Giglio by his poor + dear father." + </p> + <p> + So the Lady of Honor and the Prime Minister hated Giglio because they had + done him a wrong; and these unprincipled people invented a hundred cruel + stories about poor Giglio, in order to influence the King, Queen, and + Princess against him; how he was so ignorant that he could not spell the + commonest words, and actually wrote Valoroso Valloroso, and spelt Angelica + with two l's; how he drank a great deal too much wine at dinner, and was + always idling in the stables with the grooms; how he owed ever so much + money at the pastry-cook's and the haberdasher's; how he used to go to + sleep at church; how he was fond of playing cards with the pages. So did + the Queen like playing cards; so did the King go to sleep at church, and + eat and drink too much; and, if Giglio owed a trifle for tarts, who owed + him two hundred and seventeen thousand millions nine hundred and + eighty-seven thousand four hundred and thirty-nine pounds, thirteen + shillings, and sixpence halfpenny, I should like to know? Detractors and + tale-bearers (in my humble opinion) had much better look at HOME. All this + backbiting and slandering had effect upon Princess Angelica, who began to + look coldly on her cousin, then to laugh at him and scorn him for being so + stupid, then to sneer at him for having vulgar associates; and at Court + balls, dinners, and so forth, to treat him so unkindly that poor Giglio + became quite ill, took to his bed, and sent for the doctor. + </p> + <p> + His Majesty King Valoroso, as we have seen, had his own reasons for + disliking his nephew; and as for those innocent readers who ask why?—I + beg (with the permission of their dear parents) to refer them to + Shakespeare's pages, where they will read why King John disliked Prince + Arthur. With the Queen, his royal but weak-minded aunt, when Giglio was + out of sight he was out of mind. While she had her whist and her evening + parties, she cared for little else. + </p> + <p> + I dare say TWO VILLAINS, who shall be nameless, wished Doctor Pildrafto, + the Court Physician, had killed Giglio right out, but he only bled and + physicked him so severely that the Prince was kept to his room for several + months, and grew as thin as a post. + </p> + <p> + Whilst he was lying sick in this way, there came to the Court of + Paflagonia a famous painter, whose name was Tomaso Lorenzo, and who was + Painter in Ordinary to the King of Crim Tartary, Paflagonia's neighbor. + Tomaso Lorenzo painted all the Court, who were delighted with his works; + for even Countess Gruffanuff looked young and Glumboso good-humored in his + pictures. "He flatters very much," some people said. "Nay!" says Princess + Angelica, "I am above flattery, and I think he did not make my picture + handsome enough. I can't bear to hear a man of genius unjustly cried down, + and I hope my dear papa will make Lorenzo a knight of his Order of the + Cucumber." + </p> + <p> + The Princess Angelica, although the courtiers vowed Her Royal Highness + could draw so BEAUTIFULLY that the idea of her taking lessons was absurd, + yet chose to have Lorenzo for a teacher, and it was wonderful, AS LONG AS + SHE PAINTED IN HIS STUDIO, what beautiful pictures she made! Some of the + performances were engraved for the "Book of Beauty:" others were sold for + enormous sums at Charity Bazaars. She wrote the SIGNATURES under the + drawings, no doubt, but I think I know who did the pictures—this + artful painter, who had come with other designs on Angelica than merely to + teach her to draw. + </p> + <p> + One day, Lorenzo showed the Princess a portrait of a young man in armor, + with fair hair and the loveliest blue eyes, and an expression at once + melancholy and interesting. + </p> + <p> + "Dear Signor Lorenzo, who is this?" asked the Princess. "I never saw + anyone so handsome," says Countess Gruffanuff (the old humbug). + </p> + <p> + "That," said the painter, "that, Madam, is the portrait of my august young + master, his Royal Highness Bulbo, Crown Prince of Crim Tartary, Duke of + Acroceraunia, Marquis of Poluphloisboio, and Knight Grand Cross of the + Order of the Pumpkin. That is the Order of the Pumpkin glittering on his + manly breast, and received by His Royal Highness from his august father, + his Majesty King PADELLA I., for his gallantry at the battle of + Rimbombamento, when he slew with his own princely hand the King of Ograria + and two hundred and eleven giants of the two hundred and eighteen who + formed the King's bodyguard. The remainder were destroyed by the brave + Crim Tartar army after an obstinate combat, in which the Crim Tartars + suffered severely." + </p> + <p> + "What a Prince!" thought Angelica: "so brave—so calm-looking—so + young—what a hero!" + </p> + <p> + "He is as accomplished as he is brave," continued the Court Painter. "He + knows all languages perfectly: sings deliciously: plays every instrument: + composes operas which have been acted a thousand nights running at the + Imperial Theatre of Crim Tartary, and danced in a ballet there before the + King and Queen; in which he looked so beautiful, that his cousin, the + lovely daughter of the King of Circassia, died for love of him." + </p> + <p> + "Why did he not marry the poor Princess?" asked Angelica, with a sigh. + </p> + <p> + "Because they were FIRST COUSINS, Madam, and the clergy forbid these + unions," said the Painter. "And, besides, the young Prince had given his + royal heart ELSEWHERE." + </p> + <p> + "And to whom?" asked Her Royal Highness. + </p> + <p> + "I am not at liberty to mention the Princess's name," answered the + Painter. + </p> + <p> + "But you may tell me the first letter of it," gasped out the Princess. + </p> + <p> + "That Your Royal Highness is at liberty to guess," said Lorenzo. + </p> + <p> + "Does it begin with a Z?" asked Angelica. + </p> + <p> + The Painter said it wasn't a Z; then she tried a Y; then an X; then a W, + and went so backwards through almost the whole alphabet. + </p> + <p> + When she came to D, and it wasn't D, she grew very excited; when she came + to C, and it wasn't C, she was still more nervous; when she came to B, AND + IT WASN'T B, "Oh dearest Gruffanuff," she said, "lend me your + smelling-bottle!" and, hiding her head in the Countess's shoulder, she + faintly whispered, "Ah, Signor, can it be A?" + </p> + <p> + "It was A; and though I may not, by my Royal Master's orders, tell Your + Royal Highness the Princess's name, whom he fondly, madly, devotedly, + rapturously loves, I may show you her portrait," says this slyboots: and + leading the Princess up to a gilt frame, he drew a curtain which was + before it. + </p> + <p> + O goodness! the frame contained A LOOKING-GLASS! and Angelica saw her own + face! + </p> + <p> + VII. HOW GIGLIO AND ANGELICA HAD A QUARREL. + </p> + <p> + The Court Painter of his Majesty the King of Crim Tartary returned to that + monarch's dominions, carrying away a number of sketches which he had made + in the Paflagonian capital (you know, of course, my dears, that the name + of that capital is Blombodinga); but the most charming of all his pieces + was a portrait of the Princess Angelica, which all the Crim Tartar nobles + came to see. With this work the King was so delighted, that he decorated + the Painter with his Order of the Pumpkin (sixth class) and the artist + became Sir Tomaso Lorenzo, K.P., thenceforth. + </p> + <p> + King Valoroso also sent Sir Tomaso his Order of the Cucumber, besides a + handsome order for money, for he painted the King, Queen, and principal + nobility while at Blombodinga, and became all the fashion, to the perfect + rage of all the artists in Paflagonia, where the King used to point to the + portrait of Prince Bulbo, which Sir Tomaso had left behind him, and say + "Which among you can paint a picture like that?" + </p> + <p> + It hung in the royal parlor over the royal sideboard, and Princess + Angelica could always look at it as she sat making the tea. Each day it + seemed to grow handsomer and handsomer, and the Princess grew so fond of + looking at it, that she would often spill the tea over the cloth, at which + her father and mother would wink and wag their heads; and say to each + other, "Aha! we see how things are going." + </p> + <p> + In the meantime poor Giglio lay upstairs very sick in his chamber, though + he took all the doctor's horrible medicines like a good young lad: as I + hope YOU do, my dears, when you are ill and mamma sends for the medical + man. And the only person who visited Giglio (besides his friend the + captain of the guard, who was almost always busy or on parade), was little + Betsinda the housemaid, who used to do his bedroom and sitting-room out, + bring him his gruel, and warm his bed. + </p> + <p> + When the little housemaid came to him in the morning and evening, Prince + Giglio used to say, "Betsinda, Betsinda, how is the Princess Angelica?" + </p> + <p> + And Betsinda used to answer, "The Princess is very well, thank you, my + Lord." And Giglio would heave a sigh, and think, "If Angelica were sick, I + am sure I should not be very well." + </p> + <p> + Then Giglio would say, "Betsinda, has the Princess Angelica asked for me + today?" And Betsinda would answer, "No, my Lord, not today"; or, "She was + very busy practicing the piano when I saw her"; or, "She was writing + invitations for an evening party, and did not speak to me"; or make some + excuse or other, not strictly consonant with truth: for Betsinda was such + a good-natured creature that she strove to do everything to prevent + annoyance to Prince Giglio, and even brought him up roast chicken and + jellies from the kitchen (when the Doctor allowed them, and Giglio was + getting better), saying, "that the Princess had made the jelly, or the + bread-sauce, with her own hands, on purpose for Giglio." + </p> + <p> + When Giglio heard this he took heart and began to mend immediately; and + gobbled up all the jelly, and picked the last bone of the chicken—drumsticks, + merry-thought, sides'-bones, back, pope's nose, and all—thanking his + dear Angelica; and he felt so much better the next day, that he dressed + and went downstairs—where, whom should he meet but Angelica going + into the drawing-room? All the covers were off the chairs, the chandeliers + taken out of the bags, the damask curtains uncovered, the work and things + carried away, and the handsomest albums on the tables. Angelica had her + hair in papers: in a word, it was evident there was going to be a party. + </p> + <p> + "Heavens, Giglio!" cries Angelica: "YOU here in such a dress! What a + figure you are!" + </p> + <p> + "Yes, dear Angelica, I am come downstairs, and feel so well today, thanks + to the FOWL and the JELLY." + </p> + <p> + "What do I know about fowls and jellies, that you allude to them in that + rude way?" says Angelica. + </p> + <p> + "Why, didn't—didn't you send them, Angelica dear?" says Giglio. + </p> + <p> + "I send them indeed! Angelica dear! No, Giglio dear," says she, mocking + him, "I was engaged in getting the rooms ready for His Royal Highness the + Prince of Crim Tartary, who is coming to pay my papa's Court a visit." + </p> + <p> + "The—Prince—of—Crim—Tartary!" Giglio said, aghast. + </p> + <p> + "Yes, the Prince of Crim Tartary," says Angelica, mocking him. "I dare say + you never heard of such a country. What DID you ever hear of? You don't + know whether Crim Tartary is on the Red Sea or on the Black Sea, I dare + say." + </p> + <p> + "Yes, I do: it's on the Red Sea," says Giglio; at which the Princess burst + out laughing at him, and said, "Oh, you ninny! You are so ignorant, you + are really not fit for society! You know nothing but about horses and + dogs, and are only fit to dine in a mess-room with my Royal Father's + heaviest dragoons. Don't look so surprised at me, sir: go and put your + best clothes on to receive the Prince, and let me get the drawing-room + ready." + </p> + <p> + Giglio said, "Oh, Angelica, Angelica, I didn't think this of you. THIS + wasn't your language to me when you gave me this ring, and I gave you mine + in the garden, and you gave me that k—" + </p> + <p> + But what k— was we never shall know, for Angelica, in a rage, cried, + "Get out, you saucy, rude creature! How dare you to remind me of your + rudeness? As for your little trumpery twopenny ring, there, sir—there!" + And she flung it out of the window. + </p> + <p> + "It was my mother's marriage-ring," cried Giglio. + </p> + <p> + "I don't care whose marriage-ring it was," cries Angelica. "Marry the + person who picks it up if she's a woman; you shan't marry ME. And give me + back MY ring. I've no patience with people who boast about the things they + give away! I know who'll give me much finer things than you ever gave me. + A beggarly ring indeed, not worth five shillings!" + </p> + <p> + Now Angelica little knew that the ring which Giglio had given her was a + fairy ring; if a man wore it, it made all the women in love with him; if a + woman, all the gentlemen. The Queen, Giglio's mother, quite an + ordinary-looking person, was admired immensely whilst she wore this ring, + and her husband was frantic when she was ill. But when she called her + little Giglio to her, and put the ring on his finger, King Savio did not + seem to care for his wife so much any more, but transferred all his love + to little Giglio. So did everybody love him as long as he had the ring; + but when, as quite a child, he gave it to Angelica, people began to love + and admire HER; and Giglio, as the saying is, played only second fiddle. + </p> + <p> + "Yes," says Angelica, going on in her foolish ungrateful way. "I know + who'll give me much finer things than your beggarly little pearl + nonsense." + </p> + <p> + "Very good, miss! You may take back your ring too!" says Giglio, his eyes + flashing fire at her, and then, as his eyes had been suddenly opened, he + cried out, "Ha! what does this mean? Is THIS the woman I have been in love + with all my life? Have I been such a ninny as to throw away my regard upon + you? Why—actually—yes—you are a little crooked!" + </p> + <p> + "Oh, you wretch!" cries Angelica. + </p> + <p> + "And, upon my conscience, you—you squint a little." + </p> + <p> + "Eh!" cries Angelica. + </p> + <p> + "And your hair is red—and you are marked with the smallpox—and + what? you have three false teeth—and one leg shorter than the + other!" + </p> + <p> + "You brute, you brute, you!" Angelica screamed out: and as she seized the + ring with one hand, she dealt Giglio one, two, three smacks on the face, + and would have pulled the hair off his head had he not started laughing, + and crying, + </p> + <p> + "Oh dear me, Angelica, don't pull out MY hair, it hurts! You might remove + a great deal of YOUR OWN, as I perceive, without scissors or pulling at + all. Oh, ho, ho! ha, ha, ha! he he he!" + </p> + <p> + And he nearly choked himself with laughing, and she with rage; when, with + a low bow, and dressed in his Court habit, Count Gambabella, the first + lord-in-waiting, entered and said, "Royal Highnesses! Their Majesties + expect you in the Pink Throne-room, where they await the arrival of the + Prince of CRIM TARTARY." + </p> + <p> + VIII. HOW GRUFFANUFF PICKED THE FAIRY RING UP, AND PRINCE BULBO CAME TO + COURT. + </p> + <p> + Prince Bulbo's arrival had set all the court in a flutter: everybody was + ordered to put his or her best clothes on: the footmen had their gala + liveries; the Lord Chancellor his new wig; the Guards their last new + tunics; and Countess Gruffanuff, you may be sure, was glad of an + opportunity of decorating HER old person with her finest things. She was + walking through the court of the Palace on her way to wait upon their + Majesties, when she espied something glittering on the pavement, and bade + the boy in buttons who was holding up her train, to go and pick up the + article shining yonder. He was an ugly little wretch, in some of the late + groom-porter's old clothes cut down, and much too tight for him; and yet, + when he had taken up the ring (as it turned out to be), and was carrying + it to his mistress, she thought he looked like a little cupid. He gave the + ring to her; it was a trumpery little thing enough, but too small for any + of her old knuckles, so she put it into her pocket. + </p> + <p> + "Oh, mum!" says the boy, looking at her "how—how beyoutiful you do + look, mum, to-day, mum!" + </p> + <p> + "And you, too, Jacky," she was going to say; but, looking down at him—no, + he was no longer good-looking at all—but only the carroty-haired + little Jacky of the morning. However, praise is welcome from the ugliest + of men or boys, and Gruffanuff, bidding the boy hold up her train, walked + on in high good-humor. The Guards saluted her with peculiar respect. + Captain Hedzoff, in the anteroom, said, "My dear madam, you look like an + angel today." And so, bowing and smirking, Gruffanuff went in and took her + place behind her Royal Master and Mistress, who were in the throne-room, + awaiting the Prince of Crim Tartary. Princess Angelica sat at their feet, + and behind the King's chair stood Prince Giglio, looking very savage. + </p> + <p> + The Prince of Crim Tartary made his appearance, attended by Baron + Sleibootz, his chamberlain, and followed by a black page carrying the most + beautiful crown you ever saw! He was dressed in his travelling costume, + and his hair, as you see, was a little in disorder. "I have ridden three + hundred miles since breakfast," said he, "so eager was I to behold the + Prin—the Court and august family of Paflagonia, and I could not wait + one minute before appearing in Your Majesties' presences." + </p> + <p> + Giglio, from behind the throne, burst out into a roar of contemptuous + laughter; but all the Royal party, in fact, were so flurried, that they + did not hear this little outbreak. "Your R. H. is welcome in any dress," + says the King. "Glumboso, a chair for His Royal Highness." + </p> + <p> + "Any dress His Royal Highness wears IS a Court-dress," says Princess + Angelica, smiling graciously. + </p> + <p> + "Ah! but you should see my other clothes," said the Prince. "I should have + had them on, but that stupid carrier has not brought them. Who's that + laughing?" + </p> + <p> + It was Giglio laughing. "I was laughing," he said, "because you said just + now that you were in such a hurry to see the Princess, that you could not + wait to change your dress; and now you say you come in those clothes + because you have no others." + </p> + <p> + "And who are you?" says Prince Bulbo, very fiercely. + </p> + <p> + "My father was King of this country, and I am his only son, Prince!" + replies Giglio, with equal haughtiness. + </p> + <p> + "Ha!" said the King and Glumboso, looking very flurried; but the former, + collecting himself, said, "Dear Prince Bulbo, I forgot to introduce to + Your Royal Highness my dear nephew, His Royal Highness Prince Giglio! Know + each other! Embrace each other! Giglio, give His Royal Highness your + hand!" and Giglio, giving his hand, squeezed poor Bulbo's until the tears + ran out of his eyes. Glumboso now brought a chair for the Royal visitor, + and placed it on the platform on which the King, Queen, and Prince were + seated; but the chair was on the edge of the platform, and as Bulbo sat + down, it toppled over, and he with it, rolling over and over, and + bellowing like a bull. Giglio roared still louder at this disaster, but it + was with laughter; so did all the Court when Prince Bulbo got up; for + though when he entered the room he appeared not very ridiculous, as he + stood up from his fall for a moment he looked so exceedingly plain and + foolish, that nobody could help laughing at him. When he had entered the + room, he was observed to carry a rose in his hand, which fell out of it as + he tumbled. + </p> + <p> + "My rose! my rose!" cried Bulbo; and his chamberlain dashed forwards and + picked it up, and gave it to the Prince, who put it in his waistcoat. Then + people wondered why they had laughed; there was nothing particularly + ridiculous in him. He was rather short, rather stout, rather red-haired, + but, in fine, for a Prince, not so bad. + </p> + <p> + So they sat and talked, the Royal personages together, the Crim Tartar + officers with those of Paflagonia—Giglio very comfortable with + Gruffanuff behind the throne. He looked at her with such tender eyes, that + her heart was all in a flutter. "Oh, dear Prince," she said, "how could + you speak so haughtily in presence of Their Majesties? I protest I thought + I should have fainted." + </p> + <p> + "I should have caught you in my arms," said Giglio, looking raptures. + </p> + <p> + "Why were you so cruel to Prince Bulbo, dear Prince?" says Gruff. + </p> + <p> + "Because I hate him," says Gil. + </p> + <p> + "You are jealous of him, and still love poor Angelica," cries Gruffanuff, + putting her handkerchief to her eyes. + </p> + <p> + "I did, but I love her no more!" Giglio cried. "I despise her! Were she + heiress to twenty thousand thrones, I would despise her and scorn her. But + why speak of thrones? I have lost mine. I am too weak to recover it—I + am alone, and have no friend." + </p> + <p> + "Oh, say not so, dear Prince!" says Gruffanuff. + </p> + <p> + "Besides," says he, "I am so happy here BEHIND THE THRONE, that I would + not change my place, no, not for the throne of the world!" + </p> + <p> + "What are you two people chattering about there?" says the Queen, who was + rather good-natured, though not over-burthened with wisdom. "It is time to + dress for dinner. Giglio, show Prince Bulbo to his room. Prince, if your + clothes have not come, we shall be very happy to see you as you are." But + when Prince Bulbo got to his bedroom, his luggage was there and unpacked; + and the hairdresser coming in, cut and curled him entirely to his own + satisfaction; and when the dinner-bell rang, the Royal company had not to + wait above five-and-twenty minutes until Bulbo appeared, during which time + the King, who could not bear to wait, grew as sulky as possible. As for + Giglio, he never left Madam Gruffanuff all this time, but stood with her + in the embrasure of a window, paying her compliments. At length the Groom + of the Chambers announced His Royal Highness the Prince of Crim Tartary! + and the noble company went into the royal dining-room. It was quite a + small party; only the King and Queen, the Princess, whom Bulbo took out, + the two Princes, Countess Gruffanuff, Glumboso the Prime Minister, and + Prince Bulbo's chamberlain. You may be sure they had a very good dinner—let + every boy or girl think of what he or she likes best, and fancy it on the + table.* + </p> + <p> + * Here a very pretty game may be played by all the children saying what + they like best for dinner. + </p> + <p> + The Princess talked incessantly all dinner-time to the Prince of Crimea, + who ate an immense deal too much, and never took his eyes off his plate, + except when Giglio, who was carving a goose, sent a quantity of stuffing + and onion sauce into one of them. Giglio only burst out a-laughing as the + Crimean Prince wiped his shirt-front and face with his scented + pocket-handkerchief. He did not make Prince Bulbo any apology. When the + Prince looked at him, Giglio would not look that way. When Prince Bulbo + said, "Prince Giglio, may I have the honor of taking a glass of wine with + you?" Giglio WOULDN'T answer. All his talk and his eyes were for Countess + Gruffanuff, who you may be sure was pleased with Giglio's attentions—the + vain old creature! When he was not complimenting her, he was making fun of + Prince Bulbo, so loud that Gruffanuff was always tapping him with her fan, + and saying, "Oh, you satirical Prince! Oh, fie, the Prince will hear!" + "Well, I don't mind," says Giglio, louder still. The King and Queen + luckily did not hear; for her Majesty was a little deaf, and the King + thought so much about his own dinner, and, besides, made such a dreadful + noise, hob-gobbling in eating it, that he heard nothing else. After + dinner, his Majesty and the Queen went to sleep in their arm-chairs. + </p> + <p> + This was the time when Giglio began his tricks with Prince Bulbo, plying + that young gentleman with port, sherry, madeira, champagne, marsala, + cherry-brandy, and pale ale, of all of which Master Bulbo drank without + stint. But in plying his guest, Giglio was obliged to drink himself, and, + I am sorry to say, took more than was good for him, so that the young men + were very noisy, rude, and foolish when they joined the ladies after + dinner; and dearly did they pay for that imprudence, as now, my darlings, + you shall hear! + </p> + <p> + Bulbo went and sat by the piano, where Angelica was playing and singing, + and he sang out of tune, and he upset the coffee when the footman brought + it, and he laughed out of place, and talked absurdly, and fell asleep and + snored horridly. Booh, the nasty pig! But as he lay there stretched on the + pink satin sofa, Angelica still persisted in thinking him the most + beautiful of human beings. No doubt the magic rose which Bulbo wore caused + this infatuation on Angelica's part; but is she the first young woman who + has thought a silly fellow charming? + </p> + <p> + Giglio must go and sit by Gruffanuff, whose old face he, too, every moment + began to find more lovely. He paid the most outrageous compliments to her:—There + never was such a darling. Older than he was?—Fiddle-de-dee! He would + marry her—he would, have nothing but her! + </p> + <p> + To marry the heir to the throne! Here was a chance! The artful hussy + actually got a sheet of paper, and wrote upon it, "This is to give notice + that I, Giglio, only son of Savio, King of Paflagonia, hereby promise to + marry the charming and virtuous Barbara Griselda Countess Gruffanuff, and + widow of the late Jenkins Gruffanuff, Esq." + </p> + <p> + "What is it you are writing, you charming Gruffy?" says Giglio, who was + lolling on the sofa, by the writing-table. + </p> + <p> + "Only an order for you to sign, dear Prince, for giving coals and blankets + to the poor, this cold weather. Look! the King and Queen are both asleep, + and your Royal Highness's order will do." + </p> + <p> + So Giglio, who was very good-natured, as Gruffy well knew, signed the + order immediately; and, when she had it in her pocket, you may fancy what + airs she gave herself. She was ready to flounce out of the room before the + Queen herself, as now she was the wife of the RIGHTFUL King of Paflagonia! + She would not speak to Glumboso, whom she thought a brute, for depriving + her DEAR HUSBAND of the crown! And when candles came, and she had helped + to undress the Queen and Princess, she went into her own room, and + actually practiced on a sheet of paper, "Griselda Paflagonia," "Barbara + Regina," "Griselda Barbara, Paf. Reg.," and I don't know what signatures + besides, against the day when she should be Queen forsooth! + </p> + <p> + IX. HOW BETSINDA GOT THE WARMING PAN. + </p> + <p> + Little Betsinda came in to put Gruffanuff's hair in papers; and the + Countess was so pleased, that, for a wonder, she complimented Betsinda. + "Betsinda!" she said, "you dressed my hair very nicely today; I promised + you a little present. Here are five sh—no, here is a pretty little + ring, that I picked—that I have had some time." And she gave + Betsinda the ring she had picked up in the court. It fitted Betsinda + exactly. + </p> + <p> + "It's like the ring the Princess used to wear," says the maid. + </p> + <p> + "No such thing," says Gruffanuff, "I have had it this ever so long. There, + tuck me up quite comfortable; and now, as it's a very cold night (the snow + was beating in at the window), you may go and warm dear Prince Giglio's + bed, like a good girl, and then you may unrip my green silk, and then you + can just do me up a little cap for the morning, and then you can mend that + hole in my silk stocking, and then you can go to bed, Betsinda. Mind I + shall want my cup of tea at five o'clock in the morning." + </p> + <p> + "I suppose I had best warm both the young gentlemen's beds, Ma'am," says + Betsinda. + </p> + <p> + Gruffanuff, for reply, said, "Hau-au-ho!—Grau-haw-hoo!—Hong-hrho!" + In fact, she was snoring sound asleep. + </p> + <p> + Her room, you know, is next to the King and Queen, and the Princess is + next to them. So pretty Betsinda went away for the coals to the kitchen, + and filled the royal warming-pan. + </p> + <p> + Now, she was a very kind, merry, civil, pretty girl; but there must have + been something very captivating about her this evening, for all the women + in the servants' hall began to scold and abuse her. The housekeeper said + she was a pert, stuck-up thing: the upper-housemaid asked, how dare she + wear such ringlets and ribbons, it was quite improper! The cook (for there + was a woman-cook as well as a man-cook) said to the kitchen-maid that SHE + never could see anything in that creetur: but as for the men, every one of + them, Coachman, John, Buttons, the page, and Monsieur, the Prince of Crim + Tartary's valet, started up, and said— + </p> + <p> + "My eyes! } + </p> + <p> + "O mussey! } what a pretty girl Betsinda is!" + </p> + <p> + "O jemmany! } + </p> + <p> + "O ciel! } + </p> + <p> + "Hands off; none of your impertinence, you vulgar, low people!" says + Betsinda, walking off with her pan of coals. She heard the young gentlemen + playing at billiards as she went upstairs: first to Prince Giglio's bed, + which she warmed, and then to Prince Bulbo's room. + </p> + <p> + He came in just as she had done; and as soon as he saw her, "O! O! O! O! + O! O! what a beyou—oo—ootiful creature you are! You angel—you + Peri—you rosebud, let me be thy bulbul—thy Bulbo, too! Fly to + the desert, fly with me! I never saw a young gazelle to glad me with its + dark blue eye that had eyes like thine. Thou nymph of beauty, take, take + this young heart. A truer never did itself sustain within a soldier's + waistcoat. Be mine! Be mine! Be Princess of Crim Tartary! My Royal father + will approve our union; and, as for that little carroty-haired Angelica, I + do not care a fig for her any more." + </p> + <p> + "Go away, Your Royal Highness, and go to bed, please," said Betsinda, with + the warming-pan. + </p> + <p> + But Bulbo said, "No, never, till thou swearest to be mine, thou lovely, + blushing chambermaid divine! Here, at thy feet, the Royal Bulbo lies, the + trembling captive of Betsinda's eyes." + </p> + <p> + And he went on, making himself SO ABSURD AND RIDICULOUS, that Betsinda, + who was full of fun, gave him a touch with the warming-pan, which, I + promise you, made him cry "O-o-o-o!" in a very different manner. + </p> + <p> + Prince Bulbo made such a noise that Prince Giglio, who heard him from the + next room, came in to see what was the matter. As soon as he saw what was + taking place, Giglio, in a fury, rushed on Bulbo, kicked him in the rudest + manner up to the ceiling, and went on kicking him till his hair was quite + out of curl. + </p> + <p> + Poor Betsinda did not know whether to laugh or to cry; the kicking + certainly must hurt the Prince, but then he looked so droll! When Giglio + had done knocking him up and down to the ground, and whilst he went into a + corner rubbing himself, what do you think Giglio does? He goes down on his + own knees to Betsinda, takes her hand, begs her to accept his heart, and + offers to marry her that moment. Fancy Betsinda's condition, who had been + in love with the Prince ever since she first saw him in the palace garden, + when she was quite a little child. + </p> + <p> + "Oh, divine Betsinda!" says the Prince, "how have I lived fifteen years in + thy company without seeing thy perfections? What woman in all Europe, + Asia, Africa, and America, nay, in Australia, only it is not yet + discovered, can presume to be thy equal? Angelica? Pish! Gruffanuff? Phoo! + The Queen? Ha, ha! Thou art my Queen. Thou art the real Angelica, because + thou art really angelic." + </p> + <p> + "Oh, Prince! I am but a poor chambermaid," says Betsinda, looking, + however, very much pleased. + </p> + <p> + "Didst thou not tend me in my sickness, when all forsook me?" continues + Giglio. "Did not thy gentle hand smooth my pillow, and bring me jelly and + roast chicken?" + </p> + <p> + "Yes, dear Prince, I did," says Betsinda, "and I sewed Your Royal + Highness's shirt-buttons on too, if you please, Your Royal Highness," + cries this artless maiden. + </p> + <p> + When poor Prince Bulbo, who was now madly in love with Betsinda, heard + this declaration, when he saw the unmistakable glances which she flung + upon Giglio, Bulbo began to cry bitterly, and tore quantities of hair out + of his head, till it all covered the room like so much tow. + </p> + <p> + Betsinda had left the warming-pan on the floor while the princes were + going on with their conversation, and as they began now to quarrel and be + very fierce with one another, she thought proper to run away. + </p> + <p> + "You great big blubbering booby, tearing your hair in the corner there; of + course you will give me satisfaction for insulting Betsinda. YOU dare to + kneel down at Princess Giglio's knees and kiss her hand!" + </p> + <p> + "She's not Princess Giglio!" roars out Bulbo. "She shall be Princess + Bulbo, no other shall be Princess Bulbo." + </p> + <p> + "You are engaged to my cousin!" bellows out Giglio. + </p> + <p> + "I hate your cousin," says Bulbo. + </p> + <p> + "You shall give me satisfaction for insulting her!" cries Giglio in a + fury. + </p> + <p> + "I'll have your life." + </p> + <p> + "I'll run you through." + </p> + <p> + "I'll cut your throat." + </p> + <p> + "I'll blow your brains out." + </p> + <p> + "I'll knock your head off." + </p> + <p> + "I'll send a friend to you in the morning." + </p> + <p> + "I'll send a bullet into you in the afternoon." + </p> + <p> + "We'll meet again," says Giglio, shaking his fist in Bulbo's face; and + seizing up the warming-pan, he kissed it, because, forsooth, Betsinda had + carried it, and rushed downstairs. What should he see on the landing but + his Majesty talking to Betsinda, whom he called by all sorts of fond + names. His Majesty had heard a row in the building, so he stated, and + smelling something burning, had come out to see what the matter was. + </p> + <p> + "It's the young gentlemen smoking, perhaps, sir," says Betsinda. + </p> + <p> + "Charming chambermaid," says the King (like all the rest of them), "never + mind the young men! Turn thy eyes on a middle-aged autocrat, who has been + considered not ill-looking in his time." + </p> + <p> + "Oh, sir! what will her Majesty say?" cries Betsinda. + </p> + <p> + "Her Majesty!" laughs the monarch. "Her Majesty be hanged. Am I not + Autocrat of Paflagonia? Have I not blocks, ropes, axes, hangmen—ha? + Runs not a river by my palace wall? Have I not sacks to sew up wives + withal? Say but the word, that thou wilt be mine own,—your mistress + straightway in a sack is sewn, and thou the sharer of my heart and + throne." + </p> + <p> + When Giglio heard these atrocious sentiments, he forgot the respect + usually paid to Royalty, lifted up the warming-pan, and knocked down the + King as flat as a pancake; after which, Master Giglio took to his heels + and ran away, and Betsinda went off screaming, and the Queen, Gruffanuff, + and the Princess, all came out of their rooms. Fancy their feelings on + beholding their husband, father, sovereign, in this posture! + </p> + <p> + X. HOW KING VALOROSO WAS IN A DREADFUL PASSION. + </p> + <p> + As soon as the coals began to burn him, the King came to himself and stood + up. "Ho! my captain of the guards!" his Majesty exclaimed, stamping his + royal feet with rage. O piteous spectacle! the King's nose was bent quite + crooked by the blow of Prince Giglio! His Majesty ground his teeth with + rage. "Hedzoff," he said, taking a death-warrant out of his dressing-gown + pocket, "Hedzoff, good Hedzoff, seize upon the Prince. Thou'lt find him in + his chamber two pair up. But now he dared, with sacrilegious hand, to + strike the sacred night-cap of a king—Hedzoff, and floor me with a + warming-pan! Away, no more demur, the villain dies! See it be done, or + else,—h'm—ha!—h'm! mind thine own eyes!" And followed by + the ladies, and lifting up the tails of his dressing-gown, the King + entered his own apartment. + </p> + <p> + Captain Hedzoff was very much affected, having a sincere love for Giglio. + "Poor, poor Giglio!" he said, the tears rolling over his manly face, and + dripping down his moustachios; "my noble young Prince, is it my hand must + lead thee to death?" + </p> + <p> + "Lead him to fiddlestick, Hedzoff," said a female voice. It was + Gruffanuff, who had come out in her dressing-gown when she heard the + noise. "The King said you were to hang the Prince. Well, hang the Prince." + </p> + <p> + "I don't understand you," says Hedzoff, who was not a very clever man. + </p> + <p> + "You Gaby! he didn't say WHICH Prince," says Gruffanuff. + </p> + <p> + "No; he didn't say which, certainly," said Hedzoff. + </p> + <p> + "Well then, take Bulbo, and hang HIM!" + </p> + <p> + When Captain Hedzoff heard this, he began to dance about for joy. + "Obedience is a soldier's honor," says he. "Prince Bulbo's head will do + capitally;" and he went to arrest the Prince the very first thing next + morning. + </p> + <p> + He knocked at the door. "Who's there?" says Bulbo. "Captain Hedzoff? Step + in, pray, my good Captain; I'm delighted to see you; I have been expecting + you." + </p> + <p> + "Have you?" says Hedzoff. + </p> + <p> + "Sleibootz, my Chamberlain, will act for me," says the Prince. + </p> + <p> + "I beg Your Royal Highness's pardon, but you will have to act for + yourself, and it's a pity to wake Baron Sleibootz." + </p> + <p> + The Prince Bulbo still seemed to take the matter very coolly. "Of course, + Captain," says he, "you are come about that affair with Prince Giglio?" + </p> + <p> + "Precisely," says Hedzoff, "that affair of Prince Giglio." + </p> + <p> + "Is it to be pistols, or swords, Captain?" asks Bulbo. "I'm a pretty good + hand with both, and I'll do for Prince Giglio as sure as my name is My + Royal Highness Prince Bulbo." + </p> + <p> + "There's some mistake, my Lord," says the Captain. "The business is done + with AXES among us." + </p> + <p> + "Axes? That's sharp work," says Bulbo. "Call my Chamberlain, he'll be my + second, and in ten minutes, I flatter myself, you'll see Master Giglio's + head off his impertinent shoulders. I'm hungry for his blood Hoo-oo—aw!" + and he looked as savage as an ogre. + </p> + <p> + "I beg your pardon, sir, but by this warrant I am to take you prisoner, + and hand you over to—to the executioner." + </p> + <p> + "Pooh, pooh, my good man!—Stop, I say,—ho!—hulloa!" was + all that this luckless Prince was enabled to say: for Hedzoff's guards + seizing him, tied a handkerchief over his mouth and face, and carried him + to the place of execution. + </p> + <p> + The King, who happened to be talking to Glumboso, saw him pass, and took a + pinch of snuff and said, "So much for Giglio. Now let's go to breakfast." + </p> + <p> + The Captain of the Guard handed over his prisoner to the Sheriff, with the + fatal order, + </p> + <p> + "AT SIGHT CUT OFF THE BEARER'S HEAD. "VALOROSO XXIV." + </p> + <p> + "It's a mistake," says Bulbo, who did not seem to understand the business + in the least. + </p> + <p> + "Poo—poo—pooh," says the Sheriff. "Fetch Jack Ketch instantly. + Jack Ketch!" + </p> + <p> + And poor Bulbo was led to the scaffold, where an executioner with a block + and a tremendous axe was always ready in case he should be wanted. + </p> + <p> + But we must now revert to Giglio and Betsinda. + </p> + <p> + XI. WHAT GRUFFANUFF DID TO GIGLIO AND BETSINDA. + </p> + <p> + Gruffanuff, who had seen what had happened with the King, and knew that + Giglio must come to grief, got up very early the next morning, and went to + devise some plans for rescuing her darling husband, as the silly old thing + insisted on calling him. She found him walking up and down the garden, + thinking of a rhyme for Betsinda (TINDER and WINDA were all he could + find), and indeed having forgotten all about the past evening, except that + Betsinda was the most lovely of beings. + </p> + <p> + "Well, dear Giglio," says Gruff. + </p> + <p> + "Well, dear Gruffy," says Giglio, only HE was quite satirical. + </p> + <p> + "I have been thinking, darling, what you must do in this scrape. You must + fly the country for a while." + </p> + <p> + "What scrape?—fly the country? Never without her I love, Countess," + says Giglio. + </p> + <p> + "No, she will accompany you, dear Prince," she says, in her most coaxing + accents. "First, we must get the jewels belonging to our royal parents, + and those of her and his present Majesty. Here is the key, duck; they are + all yours, you know, by right, for you are the rightful King of + Paflagonia, and your wife will be the rightful Queen." + </p> + <p> + "Will she?" says Giglio. + </p> + <p> + "Yes; and having got the jewels, go to Glumboso's apartment, where, under + his bed, you will find sacks containing money to the amount of + L217,000,000,987,439, 13s. 6-12d., all belonging to you, for he took it + out of your royal father's room on the day of his death. With this we will + fly." + </p> + <p> + "WE will fly?" says Giglio. + </p> + <p> + "Yes, you and your bride—your affianced love—your Gruffy!" + says the Countess, with a languishing leer. + </p> + <p> + "YOU my bride!" says Giglio. "You, you hideous old woman!" + </p> + <p> + "Oh, you—you wretch! didn't you give me this paper promising + marriage?" cries Gruff. + </p> + <p> + "Get away, you old goose! I love Betsinda, and Betsinda only!" And in a + fit of terror he ran from her as quickly as he could. + </p> + <p> + "He! he! he!" shrieks out Gruff; "a promise is a promise if there are laws + in Paflagonia! And as for that monster, that wretch, that fiend, that ugly + little vixen—as for that upstart, that ingrate, that beast, + Betsinda, Master Giglio will have no little difficulty in discovering her + whereabouts. He may look very long before finding HER, I warrant. He + little knows that Miss Betsinda is—" + </p> + <p> + Is—what? Now, you shall hear. Poor Betsinda got up at five in + winter's morning to bring her cruel mistress her tea; and instead of + finding her in a good humor, found Gruffy as cross as two sticks. The + Countess boxed Betsinda's ears half a dozen times whilst she was dressing; + but as poor little Betsinda was used to this kind of treatment, she did + not feel any special alarm. "And now," says she, "when her Majesty rings + her bell twice, I'll trouble you, miss, to attend." + </p> + <p> + So when the Queen's bell rang twice, Betsinda came to her Majesty and made + a pretty little curtsey. The Queen, the Princess, and Gruffanuff were all + three in the room. As soon as they saw her they began, + </p> + <p> + "You wretch!" says the Queen. + </p> + <p> + "You little vulgar thing!" says the Princess. + </p> + <p> + "You beast!" says Gruffanuff. + </p> + <p> + "Get out of my sight!" says the Queen. + </p> + <p> + "Go away with you, do!" says the Princess. + </p> + <p> + "Quit the premises!" says Gruffanuff. + </p> + <p> + "Alas! and woe is me!" very lamentable events had occurred to Betsinda + that morning, and all in consequence of that fatal warming-pan business of + the previous night. The King had offered to marry her; of course her + Majesty the Queen was jealous: Bulbo had fallen in love with her; of + course Angelica was furious: Giglio was in love with her, and oh, what a + fury Gruffy was in! + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + { cap } +</pre> + <p> + "Take off that {petticoat} I gave you," they said, all at once, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + { gown } +</pre> + <p> + and began tearing the clothes off poor Betsinda. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + { the King?" } +</pre> + <p> + "How dare you flirt with {Prince Bulbo?" } cried the Queen, the + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + {Prince Giglio?"} Princess, and Countess. +</pre> + <p> + "Give her the rags she wore when she came into the house, and turn her out + of it!" cries the Queen. + </p> + <p> + "Mind she does not go with MY shoes on, which I lent her so kindly," says + the Princess; and indeed the Princess's shoes were a great deal too big + for Betsinda. + </p> + <p> + "Come with me, you filthy hussy!" and taking up the Queen's poker, the + cruel Gruffanuff drove Betsinda into her room. + </p> + <p> + The Countess went to the glass box in which she had kept Betsinda's old + cloak and shoe this ever so long, and said, "Take those rags, you little + beggar creature, and strip off everything belonging to honest people, and + go about your business"; and she actually tore off the poor little + delicate thing's back almost all her things, and told her to be off out of + the house. + </p> + <p> + Poor Betsinda huddled the cloak round her back, on which were embroidered + the letters PRIN. . . . ROSAL . . and then came a great rent. + </p> + <p> + As for the shoe, what was she to do with one poor little tootsey sandal? + The string was still to it, so she hung it round her neck. + </p> + <p> + "Won't you give me a pair of shoes to go out in the snow, mum, if you + please, mum?" cried the poor child. + </p> + <p> + "No, you wicked beast!" says Gruffanuff, driving her along with the poker—driving + her down the cold stairs—driving her through the cold hall—flinging + her out into the cold street, so that the knocker itself shed tears to see + her! + </p> + <p> + But a kind fairy made the soft snow warm for her little feet, and she + wrapped herself up in the ermine of her mantle, and was gone! + </p> + <p> + "And now let us think about breakfast," says the greedy Queen. + </p> + <p> + "What dress shall I put on, mamma? the pink or the pea-green?" says + Angelica. "Which do you think the dear Prince will like best?" + </p> + <p> + "Mrs. V.!" sings out the King from his dressing-room, "let us have + sausages for breakfast! Remember we have Prince Bulbo staying with us!" + </p> + <p> + And they all went to get ready. + </p> + <p> + Nine o'clock came, and they were all in the breakfast-room, and no Prince + Bulbo as yet. The urn was hissing and humming: the muffins were smoking—such + a heap of muffins! the eggs were done, there was a pot of raspberry jam, + and coffee, and a beautiful chicken and tongue on the side-table. + Marmitonio the cook brought in the sausages. Oh, how nice they smelt! + </p> + <p> + "Where is Bulbo?" said the King. "John, where is His Royal Highness?" + </p> + <p> + John said he had a took hup His Roilighnessesses shaving-water, and his + clothes and things, and he wasn't in his room, which he sposed His + Royliness was just stepped hout. + </p> + <p> + "Stepped out before breakfast in the snow! Impossible!" says the King, + sticking his fork into a sausage. "My dear, take one. Angelica, won't you + have a saveloy?" The Princess took one, being very fond of them; and at + this moment Glumboso entered with Captain Hedzoff, both looking very much + disturbed. + </p> + <p> + "I am afraid Your Majesty—" cries Glumboso. + </p> + <p> + "No business before breakfast, Glum!" says the King. "Breakfast first, + business next. Mrs. V., some more sugar!" + </p> + <p> + "Sire, I am afraid if we wait till after breakfast it will be too late," + says Glumboso. "He—he—he'll be hanged at half-past nine." + </p> + <p> + "Don't talk about hanging and spoil my breakfast, you unkind, vulgar man + you," cries the Princess. "John, some mustard. Pray who is to be hanged?" + </p> + <p> + "Sire, it is the Prince," whispers Glumboso to the King. + </p> + <p> + "Talk about business after breakfast, I tell you!" says his Majesty, quite + sulky. + </p> + <p> + "We shall have a war, Sire, depend on it," says the Minister. "His father, + King Padella. . . ." + </p> + <p> + "His father, King WHO?" says the King. "King Padella is not Giglio's + father. My brother, King Savio, was Giglio's father." + </p> + <p> + "It's Prince Bulbo they are hanging, Sire, not Prince Giglio," says the + Prime Minister. + </p> + <p> + "You told me to hang the Prince, and I took the ugly one," says Hedzoff. + "I didn't, of course, think Your Majesty intended to murder your own flesh + and blood!" + </p> + <p> + The King for all reply flung the plate of sausages at Hedzoff's head. The + Princess cried out "Hee-karee-karee!" and fell down in a fainting fit. + </p> + <p> + "Turn the cock of the urn upon Her Royal Highness," said the King, and the + boiling water gradually revived her. His Majesty looked at his watch, + compared it by the clock in the parlor, and by that of the church in the + square opposite; then he wound it up; then he looked at it again. "The + great question is," says he, "am I fast or am I slow? If I'm slow, we may + as well go on with breakfast. If I'm fast, why, there is just the + possibility of saving Prince Bulbo. It's a doosid awkward mistake, and + upon my word, Hedzoff, I have the greatest mind to have you hanged too." + </p> + <p> + "Sire, I did but my duty: a soldier has but his orders. I didn't expect + after forty-seven years of faithful service, that my sovereign would think + of putting me to a felon's death!" + </p> + <p> + "A hundred thousand plagues upon you! Can't you see that while you are + talking my Bulbo is being hung?" screamed the Princess. + </p> + <p> + "By Jove! she's always right, that girl, and I'm so absent," says the + King, looking at his watch again. "Ha! there go the drums! What a doosid + awkward thing though!" + </p> + <p> + "O, papa, you goose! Write the reprieve, and let me run with it," cries + the Princess—and she got a sheet of paper, and pen and ink, and laid + them before the King. + </p> + <p> + "Confound it! Where are my spectacles?" the Monarch exclaimed. "Angelica! + Go up into my bedroom, look under my pillow, not your mamma's; there + you'll see my keys. Bring them down to me, and—Well, well! what + impetuous things these girls are!" Angelica was gone, and had run up + panting to the bedroom, and found the keys, and was back again before the + King had finished a muffin. "Now, love," says he, "you must go all the way + back for my desk, in which my spectacles are. If you would but have heard + me out. . . . Be hanged to her! There she is off again. Angelica! + ANGELICA!" When his Majesty called in his LOUD voice, she knew she must + obey, and came back. + </p> + <p> + "My dear, when you go out of a room, how often have I told you, SHUT THE + DOOR. That's a darling. That's all." At last the keys and the desk and the + spectacles were got, and the King mended his pen, and signed his name to a + reprieve, and Angelica ran with it as swift as the wind. "You'd better + stay, my love, and finish the muffins. There's no use going. Be sure it's + too late. Hand me over that raspberry jam, please," said the Monarch. + "Bong! Bawong! There goes the half-hour. I knew it was." + </p> + <p> + Angelica ran, and ran, and ran, and ran. She ran up Fore Street, and down + High Street, and through the Market-place, and down to the left, and over + the bridge, and up the blind alley, and back again, and round by the + Castle, and so along by the Haberdasher's on the right, opposite the + lamp-post, and round the square, and she came—she came to the + EXECUTION PLACE, where she saw Bulbo laying his head on the block!!! The + executioner raised his axe, but at that moment the Princess came panting + up and cried Reprieve! "Reprieve!" screamed the Princess. "Reprieve!" + shouted all the people. Up the scaffold stairs she sprang, with the + agility of a lighter of lamps; and flinging herself in Bulbo's arms, + regardless of all ceremony, she cried out, "Oh, my Prince! my lord! my + love! my Bulbo! Thine Angelica has been in time to save thy precious + existence, sweet rosebud; to prevent thy being nipped in thy young bloom! + Had aught befallen thee, Angelica too had died, and welcomed death that + joined her to her Bulbo." + </p> + <p> + "H'm! there's no accounting for tastes," said Bulbo, looking so very much + puzzled and uncomfortable that the Princess, in tones of tenderest strain, + asked the cause of his disquiet. + </p> + <p> + "I tell you what it is, Angelica," said he, "since I came here yesterday, + there has been such a row, and disturbance, and quarrelling, and fighting, + and chopping of heads off, and the deuce to pay, that I am inclined to go + back to Crim Tartary." + </p> + <p> + "But with me as thy bride, my Bulbo! Though wherever thou art is Crim + Tartary to me, my bold, my beautiful, my Bulbo!" + </p> + <p> + "Well, well, I suppose we must be married," says Bulbo. "Doctor, you came + to read the Funeral Service—read the Marriage Service, will you? + What must be, must. That will satisfy Angelica, and then, in the name of + peace and quietness, do let us go back to breakfast." + </p> + <p> + Bulbo had carried a rose in his mouth all the time of the dismal ceremony. + It was a fairy rose, and he was told by his mother that he ought never to + part with it. So he had kept it between his teeth, even when he laid his + poor head upon the block, hoping vaguely that some chance would turn up in + his favor. As he began to speak to Angelica, he forgot about the rose, and + of course it dropped out of his mouth. The romantic Princess instantly + stooped and seized it. "Sweet rose!" she exclaimed, "that bloomed upon my + Bulbo's lip, never, never will I part from thee!" and she placed it in her + bosom. And you know Bulbo COULDN'T ask her to give the rose back again. + And they went to breakfast; and as they walked, it appeared to Bulbo that + Angelica became more exquisitely lovely every moment. + </p> + <p> + He was frantic until they were married; and now, strange to say, it was + Angelica who didn't care about him! He knelt down, he kissed her hand, he + prayed and begged; he cried with admiration; while she for her part said + she really thought they might wait; it seemed to her he was not handsome + any more—no, not at all, quite the reverse; and not clever, no, very + stupid; and not well bred, like Giglio; no, on the contrary, dreadfully + vul— + </p> + <p> + What, I cannot say, for King Valoroso roared out "POOH, stuff!" in a + terrible voice. "We will have no more of this shilly-shallying! Call the + Archbishop, and let the Prince and Princess be married offhand!" + </p> + <p> + So, married they were, and I am sure for my part I trust they will be + happy. + </p> + <p> + XII. HOW BETSINDA FLED, AND WHAT BECAME OF HER. + </p> + <p> + Betsinda wandered on and on, till she passed through the town gates, and + so on the great Crim Tartary road, the very way on which Giglio too was + going. "Ah!" thought she, as the diligence passed her, of which the + conductor was blowing a delightful tune on his horn, "how I should like to + be on that coach!" But the coach and the jingling horses were very soon + gone. She little knew who was in it, though very likely she was thinking + of him all the time. + </p> + <p> + Then came an empty cart, returning from market; and the driver being a + kind man, and seeing such a very pretty girl trudging along the road with + bare feet, most good-naturedly gave her a seat. He said he lived on the + confines of the forest, where his old father was a woodman, and, if she + liked, he would take her so far on her road. All roads were the same to + little Betsinda, so she very thankfully took this one. + </p> + <p> + And the carter put a cloth round her bare feet, and gave her some bread + and cold bacon, and was very kind to her. For all that she was very cold + and melancholy. When after travelling on and on, evening came, and all the + black pines were bending with snow, and there, at last, was the + comfortable light beaming in the woodman's windows; and so they arrived, + and went into his cottage. He was an old man, and had a number of + children, who were just at supper, with nice hot bread-and-milk, when + their elder brother arrived with the cart. And they jumped and clapped + their hands; for they were good children; and he had brought them toys + from the town. And when they saw the pretty stranger, they ran to her, and + brought her to the fire, and rubbed her poor little feet, and brought her + bread and milk. + </p> + <p> + "Look, father!" they said to the old woodman, "look at this poor girl, and + see what pretty cold feet she has. They are as white as our milk! And look + and see what an odd cloak she has, just like the bit of velvet that hangs + up in our cupboard, and which you found that day the little cubs were + killed by King Padella, in the forest! And look, why, bless us all! she + has got round her neck just such another little shoe as that you brought + home, and have shown us so often—a little blue velvet shoe!" + </p> + <p> + "What," said the old woodman, "what is all this about a shoe and a cloak?" + </p> + <p> + And Betsinda explained that she had been left, when quite a little child, + at the town with this cloak and this shoe. And the persons who had taken + care of her had—had been angry with her, for no fault, she hoped, of + her own. And they had sent her away with her old clothes—and here, + in fact, she was. She remembered having been in a forest—and perhaps + it was a dream—it was so very odd and strange—having lived in + a cave with lions there; and, before that, having lived in a very, very + fine house, as fine as the King's, in the town. + </p> + <p> + When the woodman heard this, he was so astonished, it was quite curious to + see how astonished he was. He went to his cupboard, and took out of a + stocking a five-shilling piece of King Cavolfiore, and vowed it was + exactly like the young woman. And then he produced the shoe and piece of + velvet which he had kept so long, and compared them with the things which + Betsinda wore. In Betsinda's little shoe was written, "Hopkins, maker to + the Royal Family"; so in the other shoe was written, "Hopkins, maker to + the Royal Family." In the inside of Betsinda's piece of cloak was + embroidered, "PRIN ROSAL"; in the other piece of cloak was embroidered + "CESS BA. NO. 246." So that when put together you read, "PRINCESS ROSALBA. + NO. 246." + </p> + <p> + On seeing this, the dear old woodman fell down on his knee, saying, "O my + Princess, O my gracious royal lady, O my rightful Queen of Crim Tartary,—I + hail thee—I acknowledge thee—I do thee homage!" And in token + of his fealty, he rubbed his venerable nose three times on the ground, and + put the Princess's foot on his head. + </p> + <p> + "Why," said she, "my good woodman, you must be a nobleman of my royal + father's Court!" For in her lowly retreat, and under the name of Betsinda, + HER MAJESTY, ROSALBA, Queen of Crim Tartary, had read of the customs of + all foreign courts and nations. + </p> + <p> + "Marry, indeed, am I, my gracious liege—the poor Lord Spinachi once—the + humble woodman these fifteen years syne—ever since the tyrant + Padella (may ruin overtake the treacherous knave!) dismissed me from my + post of First Lord." + </p> + <p> + "First Lord of the Toothpick and Joint Keeper of the Snuffbox? I mind me! + Thou heldest these posts under our royal Sire. They are restored to thee, + Lord Spinachi! I make thee knight of the second class of our Order of the + Pumpkin (the first class being reserved for crowned heads alone). Rise, + Marquis of Spinachi!" And with indescribable majesty, the Queen, who had + no sword handy, waved the pewter spoon with which she had been taking her + bread-and-milk, over the bald head of the old nobleman, whose tears + absolutely made a puddle on the ground, and whose dear children went to + bed that night Lords and Ladies Bartolomeo, Ubaldo, Catarina, and Ottavia + degli Spinachi! + </p> + <p> + The acquaintance HER MAJESTY showed with the history, and NOBLE FAMILIES + of her empire, was wonderful. "The House of Broccoli should remain + faithful to us," she said; "they were ever welcome at our Court. Have the + Articiocchi, as was their wont, turned to the Rising Sun? The family of + Sauerkraut must sure be with us—they were ever welcome in the halls + of King Cavolfiore." And so she went on enumerating quite a list of the + nobility and gentry of Crim Tartary, so admirably had her Majesty profited + by her studies while in exile. + </p> + <p> + The old Marquis of Spinachi said he could answer for them all; that the + whole country groaned under Padella's tyranny, and longed to return to its + rightful sovereign; and late as it was, he sent his children, who knew the + forest well, to summon this nobleman and that; and when his eldest son, + who had been rubbing the horse down and giving him his supper, came into + the house for his own, the Marquis told him to put his boots on, and a + saddle on the mare, and ride hither and thither to such and such people. + </p> + <p> + When the young man heard who his companion in the cart had been, he too + knelt down and put her royal foot on his head; he too bedewed the ground + with his tears; he was frantically in love with her, as everybody now was + who saw her: so were the young Lords Bartolomeo and Ubaldo, who punched + each other's little heads out of jealousy: and so, when they came from + east and west at the summons of the Marquis degli Spinachi, were the Crim + Tartar Lords who still remained faithful to the House of Cavolfiore. They + were such very old gentlemen for the most part that her Majesty never + suspected their absurd passion, and went among them quite unaware of the + havoc her beauty was causing, until an old blind Lord who had joined her + party told her what the truth was; after which, for fear of making the + people too much in love with her, she always wore a veil. She went about + privately, from one nobleman's castle to another; and they visited among + themselves again, and had meetings, and composed proclamations and + counter-proclamations, and distributed all the best places of the kingdom + amongst one another, and selected who of the opposition party should be + executed when the Queen came to her own. And so in about a year they were + ready to move. + </p> + <p> + The party of Fidelity was in truth composed of very feeble old fogies for + the most part; they went about the country waving their old swords and + flags, and calling "God save the Queen!" and King Padella happening to be + absent upon an invasion, they had their own way for a little, and to be + sure the people were very enthusiastic whenever they saw the Queen; + otherwise the vulgar took matters very quietly, for they said, as far as + they could recollect, they were pretty well as much taxed in Cavolfiore's + time, as now in Padella's. + </p> + <p> + XIII. HOW QUEEN ROSALBA CAME TO THE CASTLE OF THE BOLD COUNT HOGGINARMO. + </p> + <p> + Her Majesty, having indeed nothing else to give, made all her followers + Knights of the Pumpkin, and Marquises, Earls, and Baronets; and they had a + little court for her, and made her a little crown of gilt paper, and a + robe of cotton velvet; and they quarrelled about the places to be given + away in her court, and about rank and precedence and dignities;—you + can't think how they quarrelled! The poor Queen was very tired of her + honors before she had had them a month, and I dare say sighed sometimes + even to be a lady's-maid again. But we must all do our duty in our + respective stations, so the Queen resigned herself to perform hers. + </p> + <p> + We have said how it happened that none of the Usurper's troops came out to + oppose this Army of Fidelity: it pottered along as nimbly as the gout of + the principal commanders allowed: it consisted of twice as many officers + as soldiers: and at length passed near the estates of one of the most + powerful noblemen of the country, who had not declared for the Queen, but + of whom her party had hopes, as he was always quarrelling with King + Padella. + </p> + <p> + When they came close to his park gates, this nobleman sent to say he would + wait upon her Majesty: he was a most powerful warrior, and his name was + Count Hogginarmo, whose helmet it took two strong negroes to carry. He + knelt down before her and said, "Madam and liege lady! it becomes the + great nobles of the Crimean realm to show every outward sign of respect to + the wearer of the Crown, whoever that may be. We testify to our own + nobility in acknowledging yours. The bold Hogginarmo bends the knee to the + first of the aristocracy of his country." + </p> + <p> + Rosalba said the bold Count of Hogginarmo was uncommonly kind; but she + felt afraid of him, even while he was kneeling, and his eyes scowled at + her from between his whiskers, which grew up to them. + </p> + <p> + "The first Count of the Empire, madam," he went on, "salutes the + Sovereign. The Prince addresses himself to the not more noble lady! Madam, + my hand is free, and I offer it, and my heart and my sword to your + service! My three wives lie buried in my ancestral vaults. The third + perished but a year since; and this heart pines for a consort! Deign to be + mine, and I swear to bring to your bridal table the head of King Padella, + the eyes and nose of his son Prince Bulbo, the right hand and ears of the + usurping Sovereign of Paflagonia, which country shall thenceforth be an + appanage to your—to OUR Crown! Say yes; Hogginarmo is not accustomed + to be denied. Indeed I cannot contemplate the possibility of a refusal; + for frightful will be the result; dreadful the murders; furious the + devastations; horrible the tyranny; tremendous the tortures, misery, + taxation, which the people of this realm will endure, if Hogginarmo's + wrath be aroused! I see consent in Your Majesty's lovely eyes—their + glances fill my soul with rapture!" + </p> + <p> + "Oh, sir!" Rosalba said, withdrawing her hand in great fright. "Your + Lordship is exceedingly kind; but I am sorry to tell you that I have a + prior attachment to a young gentleman by the name of—Prince Giglio—and + never—never can marry any one but him." + </p> + <p> + Who can describe Hogginarmo's wrath at this remark? Rising up from the + ground, he ground his teeth so that fire flashed out of his mouth, from + which at the same time issued remarks and language, so LOUD, VIOLENT, AND + IMPROPER, that this pen shall never repeat them! "R-r-r-r-r-r—Rejected! + Fiends and perdition! The bold Hogginarmo rejected! All the world shall + hear of my rage; and you, madam, you above all shall rue it!" And kicking + the two negroes before him, he rushed away, his whiskers streaming in the + wind. + </p> + <p> + Her Majesty's Privy Council was in a dreadful panic when they saw + Hogginarmo issue from the royal presence in such a towering rage, making + footballs of the poor negroes—a panic which the events justified. + They marched off from Hogginarmo's park very crest-fallen; and in another + half-hour they were met by that rapacious chieftain with a few of his + followers, who cut, slashed, charged, whacked, banged, and pommelled + amongst them, took the Queen prisoner, and drove the Army of Fidelity to I + don't know where. + </p> + <p> + Poor Queen! Hogginarmo, her conqueror, would not condescend to see her. + "Get a horse-van!" he said to his grooms, "clap the hussy into it, and + send her, with my compliments, to his Majesty King Padella." + </p> + <p> + Along with his lovely prisoner, Hogginarmo sent a letter full of servile + compliments and loathsome flatteries to King Padella, for whose life, and + that of his royal family, the HYPOCRITICAL HUMBUG pretended to offer the + most fulsome prayers. And Hogginarmo promised speedily to pay his humble + homage at his august master's throne, of which he begged leave to be + counted the most loyal and constant defender. Such a WARY old BIRD as King + Padella was not to be caught by Master Hogginarmo's CHAFF and we shall + hear presently how the tyrant treated his upstart vassal. No, no; depend + on't, two such rogues do not trust one another. + </p> + <p> + So this poor Queen was laid in the straw like Margery Daw, and driven + along in the dark ever so many miles to the Court, where King Padella had + now arrived, having vanquished all his enemies, murdered most of them, and + brought some of the richest into captivity with him for the purpose of + torturing them and finding out where they had hidden their money. + </p> + <p> + Rosalba heard their shrieks and groans in the dungeon in which she was + thrust; a most awful black hole, full of bats, rats, mice, toads, frogs, + mosquitoes, bugs, fleas, serpents, and every kind of horror. No light was + let into it, otherwise the gaolers might have seen her and fallen in love + with her, as an owl that lived up in the roof of the tower did, and a cat, + you know, who can see in the dark, and having set its green eyes on + Rosalba, never would be got to go back to the turnkey's wife to whom it + belonged. And the toads in the dungeon came and kissed her feet, and the + vipers wound round her neck and arms, and never hurt her, so charming was + this poor Princess in the midst of her misfortunes. + </p> + <p> + At last, after she had been kept in this place EVER SO LONG, the door of + the dungeon opened, and the terrible KING PADELLA came in. + </p> + <p> + But what he said and did must be reserved for another chapter, as we must + now back to Prince Giglio. + </p> + <p> + XIV. WHAT BECAME OF GIGLIO. + </p> + <p> + The idea of marrying such an old creature as Gruffanuff frightened Prince + Giglio so, that he ran up to his room, packed his trunks, fetched in a + couple of porters, and was off to the diligence office in a twinkling. + </p> + <p> + It was well that he was so quick in his operations, did not dawdle over + his luggage, and took the early coach: for as soon as the mistake about + Prince Bulbo was found out, that cruel Glumboso sent up a couple of + policemen to Prince Giglio's room, with orders that he should be carried + to Newgate, and his head taken off before twelve o'clock. But the coach + was out of the Paflagonian dominions before two o'clock; and I dare say + the express that was sent after Prince Giglio did not ride very quick, for + many people in Paflagonia had a regard for Giglio, as the son of their old + sovereign; a Prince who, with all his weaknesses, was very much better + than his brother, the usurping, lazy, careless, passionate, tyrannical, + reigning monarch. That Prince busied himself with the balls, fetes, + masquerades, hunting-parties, and so forth, which he thought proper to + give on occasion of his daughter's marriage to Prince Bulbo; and let us + trust was not sorry in his own heart that his brother's son had escaped + the scaffold. + </p> + <p> + It was very cold weather, and the snow was on the ground, and Giglio, who + gave his name as simple Mr. Giles, was very glad to get a comfortable + place in the coupe of the diligence, where he sat with the conductor and + another gentleman. At the first stage from Blombodinga, as they stopped to + change horses, there came up to the diligence a very ordinary, + vulgar-looking woman, with a bag under her arm, who asked for a place. All + the inside places were taken, and the young woman was informed that if she + wished to travel, she must go upon the roof; and the passenger inside with + Giglio (a rude person, I should think), put his head out of the window, + and said, "Nice weather for travelling outside! I wish you a pleasant + journey, my dear." The poor woman coughed very much, and Giglio pitied + her. "I will give up my place to her," says he, "rather than she should + travel in the cold air with that horrid cough." On which the vulgar + traveller said, "YOU'D keep her warm, I am sure, if it's a MUFF she + wants." On which Giglio pulled his nose, boxed his ears, hit him in the + eye, and gave this vulgar person a warning never to call him MUFF again. + </p> + <p> + Then he sprang up gaily on to the roof of the diligence, and made himself + very comfortable in the straw. The vulgar traveller got down only at the + next station, and Giglio took his place again, and talked to the person + next to him. She appeared to be a most agreeable, well-informed, and + entertaining female. They travelled together till night, and she gave + Giglio all sorts of things out of the bag which she carried, and which + indeed seemed to contain the most wonderful collection of articles. He was + thirsty—out there came a pint bottle of Bass's pale ale, and a + silver mug! Hungry—she took out a cold fowl, some slices of ham, + bread, salt, and a most delicious piece of cold plum-pudding, and a little + glass of brandy afterwards. + </p> + <p> + As they travelled, this plain-looking, queer woman talked to Giglio on a + variety of subjects, in which the poor Prince showed his ignorance as much + as she did her capacity. He owned, with many blushes, how ignorant he was; + on which the lady said, "My dear Gigl—my good Mr. Giles, you are a + young man, and have plenty of time before you. You have nothing to do but + to improve yourself. Who knows but that you may find use for your + knowledge some day? When—when you may be wanted at home, as some + people may be." + </p> + <p> + "Good heavens, madam!" says he, "do you know me?" + </p> + <p> + "I know a number of funny things," says the lady. "I have been at some + people's christenings, and turned away from other folks' doors. I have + seen some people spoilt by good fortune, and others, as I hope, improved + by hardship. I advise you to stay at the town where the coach stops for + the night. Stay there and study, and remember your old friend to whom you + were kind." + </p> + <p> + "And who is my old friend?" asked Giglio. + </p> + <p> + "When you want anything," says the lady, "look in this bag, which I leave + to you as a present, and be grateful to—" + </p> + <p> + "To whom, madam?" says he. + </p> + <p> + "To the Fairy Blackstick," says the lady, flying out of the window. And + then Giglio asked the conductor if he knew where the lady was? + </p> + <p> + "What lady?" says the man; "there has been no lady in this coach, except + the old woman, who got out at the last stage." And Giglio thought he had + been dreaming. But there was the bag which Blackstick had given him lying + on his lap; and when he came to the town he took it in his hand and went + into the inn. + </p> + <p> + They gave him a very bad bedroom, and Giglio, when he woke in the morning, + fancying himself in the Royal Palace at home, called, "John, Charles, + Thomas! My chocolate—my dressing-gown—my slippers;" but nobody + came. There was no bell, so he went and bawled out for water on the top of + the stairs. + </p> + <p> + The landlady came up, looking—looking like this— + </p> + <p> + "What are you a-hollering and a-bellaring for here, young man?" says she. + </p> + <p> + "There's no warm water—no servants; my boots are not even cleaned." + </p> + <p> + "He, he! Clean 'em yourself," says the landlady. "You young students give + yourselves pretty airs. I never heard such impudence." + </p> + <p> + "I'll quit the house this instant," says Giglio. + </p> + <p> + "The sooner the better, young man. Pay your bill and be off. All my rooms + is wanted for gentlefolks, and not for such as you." + </p> + <p> + "You may well keep the Bear Inn," said Giglio. "You should have yourself + painted as the sign." + </p> + <p> + The landlady of the Bear went away GROWLING. And Giglio returned to his + room, where the first thing he saw was the fairy bag lying on the table, + which seemed to give a little hop as he came in. "I hope it has some + breakfast in it," says Giglio, "for I have only a very little money left." + But on opening the bag, what do you think was there? A blacking brush and + a pot of Warren's jet, and on the pot was written, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Poor young men their boots must black: + Use me and cork me and put me back." +</pre> + <p> + So Giglio laughed and blacked his boots, and put back the brush and the + bottle into the bag. + </p> + <p> + When he had done dressing himself, the bag gave another little hop, and he + went to it and took out— + </p> + <p> + 1. A tablecloth and a napkin. + </p> + <p> + 2. A sugar-basin full of the best loaf-sugar. + </p> + <p> + 4, 6, 8, 10. Two forks, two teaspoons, two knives, and a pair of + sugar-tongs, and a butter-knife all marked G. + </p> + <p> + 11, 12, 13. A teacup, saucer, and slop-basin. + </p> + <p> + 14. A jug full of delicious cream. + </p> + <p> + 15. A canister with black tea and green. + </p> + <p> + 16. A large tea-urn and boiling water. + </p> + <p> + 17. A saucepan, containing three eggs nicely done. + </p> + <p> + 18. A quarter of a pound of best Epping butter. + </p> + <p> + 19. A brown loaf. + </p> + <p> + And if he hadn't enough now for a good breakfast, I should like to know + who ever had one? + </p> + <p> + Giglio, having had his breakfast, popped all the things back into the bag, + and went out looking for lodgings. I forgot to say that this celebrated + university town was called Bosforo. + </p> + <p> + He took a modest lodging opposite the Schools, paid his bill at the inn, + and went to his apartment with his trunk, carpet-bag, and not forgetting, + we may be sure, his OTHER bag. + </p> + <p> + When he opened his trunk, which the day before he had filled with his best + clothes, he found it contained only books. And in the first of them which + he opened there was written— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Clothes for the back, books for the head: + Read, and remember them when they are read." +</pre> + <p> + And in his bag, when Giglio looked in it, he found a student's cap and + gown, a writing-book full of paper, an inkstand, pens, and a Johnson's + dictionary, which was very useful to him, as his spelling had been sadly + neglected. + </p> + <p> + So he sat down and worked away, very, very hard for a whole year, during + which "Mr. Giles" was quite an example to all the students in the + University of Bosforo. He never got into any riots or disturbances. The + Professors all spoke well of him, and the students liked him too; so that, + when at examination, he took all the prizes, viz.:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + {The Spelling Prize {The French Prize + {The Writing Prize {The Arithmetic Prize + {The History Prize {The Latin Prize + {The Catechism Prize {The Good Conduct Prize, +</pre> + <p> + all his fellow-students said, "Hurrah! Hurray for Giles! Giles is the boy—the + student's joy! Hurray for Giles!" And he brought quite a quantity of + medals, crowns, books, and tokens of distinction home to his lodgings. + </p> + <p> + One day after the Examinations, as he was diverting himself at a + coffee-house with two friends—(Did I tell you that in his bag, every + Saturday night, he found just enough to pay his bills, with a guinea over, + for pocket-money? Didn't I tell you? Well, he did, as sure as twice twenty + makes forty-five)—he chanced to look in the Bosforo Chronicle, and + read off, quite easily (for he could spell, read, and write the longest + words now), the following:— + </p> + <p> + "ROMANTIC CIRCUMSTANCE.—One of the most extraordinary adventures + that we have ever heard has set the neighboring country of Crim Tartary in + a state of great excitement. + </p> + <p> + "It will be remembered that when the present revered sovereign of Crim + Tartary, his Majesty King PADELLA, took possession of the throne, after + having vanquished, in the terrific battle of Blunderbusco, the late King + CAVOLFIORE, that Prince's only child, the Princess Rosalba, was not found + in the royal palace, of which King Padella took possession, and, it was + said, had strayed into the forest (being abandoned by all her attendants) + where she had been eaten up by those ferocious lions, the last pair of + which were captured some time since, and brought to the Tower, after + killing several hundred persons. + </p> + <p> + "His Majesty King Padella, who has the kindest heart in the world, was + grieved at the accident which had occurred to the harmless little + Princess, for whom his Majesty's known benevolence would certainly have + provided a fitting establishment. But her death seemed to be certain. The + mangled remains of a cloak, and a little shoe, were found in the forest, + during a hunting-party, in which the intrepid sovereign of Crim Tartary + slew two of the lions' cubs with his own spear. And these interesting + relics of an innocent little creature were carried home and kept by their + finder, the Baron Spinachi, formerly an officer in Cavolfiore's household. + The Baron was disgraced in consequence of his known legitimist opinions, + and has lived for some time in the humble capacity of a wood-cutter, in a + forest on the outskirts of the Kingdom of Crim Tartary. + </p> + <p> + "Last Tuesday week Baron Spinachi and a number of gentlemen, attached to + the former dynasty, appeared in arms, crying, 'God save Rosalba, the first + Queen of Crim Tartary!' and surrounding a lady whom report describes as + 'BEAUTIFUL EXCEEDINGLY.' Her history MAY be authentic, IS certainly most + romantic. + </p> + <p> + "The personage calling herself Rosalba states that she was brought out of + the forest, fifteen years since, by a lady in a car drawn by dragons (this + account is certainly IMPROBABLE), that she was left in the Palace Garden + of Blombodinga, where Her Royal Highness the Princess Angelica, now + married to His Royal Highness Bulbo, Crown Prince of Crim Tartary, found + the child, and, with THAT ELEGANT BENEVOLENCE which has always + distinguished the heiress of the throne of Paflagonia, gave the little + outcast a SHELTER AND A HOME! Her parentage not being known, and her garb + very humble, the foundling was educated in the Palace in a menial + capacity, under the name of BETSINDA. + </p> + <p> + "She did not give satisfaction, and was dismissed, carrying with her, + certainly, part of a mantle and a shoe, which she had on when first found. + According to her statement she quitted Blombodinga about a year ago, since + which time she has been with the Spinachi family. On the very same morning + the Prince Giglio, nephew to the King of Paflagonia, a young Prince whose + character for TALENT and ORDER were, to say truth, NONE OF THE HIGHEST, + also quitted Blombodinga, and has not been since heard of!" + </p> + <p> + "What an extraordinary story!" said Smith and Jones, two young students, + Giglio's especial friends. + </p> + <p> + "Ha! what is this?" Giglio went on, reading:— + </p> + <p> + "SECOND EDITION, EXPRESS.—We hear that the troop under Baron + Spinachi has been surrounded, and utterly routed, by General Count + Hogginarmo, and the soi-disant Princess is sent a prisoner to the capital. + </p> + <p> + "UNIVERSITY NEWS.—Yesterday, at the Schools, the distinguished young + student, Mr. Giles, read a Latin oration, and was complimented by the + Chancellor of Bosforo, Dr. Prugnaro, with the highest University honor—the + wooden spoon." + </p> + <p> + "Never mind that stuff," says GILES, greatly disturbed. "Come home with + me, my friends. Gallant Smith! intrepid Jones! friends of my studies—partakers + of my academic toils—I have that to tell which shall astonish your + honest minds." + </p> + <p> + "Go it, old boy!" cries the impetuous Smith. + </p> + <p> + "Talk away, my buck!" says Jones, a lively fellow. + </p> + <p> + With an air of indescribable dignity, Giglio checked their natural, but no + more seemly, familiarity. "Jones, Smith, my good friends," said the + PRINCE, "disguise is henceforth useless; I am no more the humble student + Giles, I am the descendant of a royal line." + </p> + <p> + "Atavis edite regibus. I know, old co—" cried Jones. He was going to + say old cock, but a flash from THE ROYAL EYE again awed him. + </p> + <p> + "Friends," continued the Prince, "I am that Giglio: I am, in fact, + Paflagonia. Rise, Smith, and kneel not in the public street. Jones, thou + true heart! My faithless uncle, when I was a baby, filched from me that + brave crown my father left me, bred me, all young and careless of my + rights, like unto hapless Hamlet, Prince of Denmark; and had I any + thoughts about my wrongs, soothed me with promises of near redress. I + should espouse his daughter, young Angelica; we two indeed should reign in + Paflagonia. His words were false—false as Angelica's heart!—false + as Angelica's hair, color, front teeth! She looked with her skew eyes upon + young Bulbo, Crim Tartary's stupid heir, and she preferred him. Twas then + I turned my eyes upon Betsinda—Rosalba, as she now is. And I saw in + her the blushing sum of all perfection; the pink of maiden modesty; the + nymph that my fond heart had ever woo'd in dreams," &c. &c. + </p> + <p> + (I don't give this speech, which was very fine, but very long; and though + Smith and Jones knew nothing about the circumstances, my dear reader does, + so I go on.) + </p> + <p> + The Prince and his young friends hastened home to his apartment, highly + excited by the intelligence, as no doubt by the ROYAL NARRATOR'S admirable + manner of recounting it, and they ran up to his room where he had worked + so hard at his books. + </p> + <p> + On his writing-table was his bag, grown so long that the Prince could not + help remarking it. He went to it, opened it, and what do you think he + found in it? + </p> + <p> + A splendid long, gold-handled, red-velvet-scabbarded, cut-and-thrust + sword, and on the sheath was embroidered "ROSALBA FOR EVER!" + </p> + <p> + He drew out the sword, which flashed and illuminated the whole room, and + called out "Rosalba for ever!" Smith and Jones following him, but quite + respectfully this time, and taking the time from His Royal Highness. + </p> + <p> + And now his trunk opened with a sudden pong, and out there came three + ostrich feathers in a gold crown, surrounding a beautiful shining steel + helmet, a cuirass, a pair of spurs, finally a complete suit of armor. + </p> + <p> + The books on Giglio's shelves were all gone. Where there had been some + great dictionaries, Giglio's friends found two pairs of jack-boots + labelled, "Lieutenant Smith," "—— Jones, Esq.," which fitted + them to a nicety. Besides, there were helmets, back and breast plates, + swords, &c., just like in Mr. G. P. R. James's novels; and that + evening three cavaliers might have been seen issuing from the gates of + Bosforo, in whom the porters, proctors, &c., never thought of + recognising the young Prince and his friends. + </p> + <p> + They got horses at a livery stable-keeper's, and never drew bridle until + they reached the last town on the frontier before you come to Crim + Tartary. Here, as their animals were tired, and the cavaliers hungry, they + stopped and refreshed at an hostel. I could make a chapter of this if I + were like some writers, but I like to cram my measure tight down, you see, + and give you a great deal for your money, and, in a word, they had some + bread and cheese and ale upstairs on the balcony of the inn. As they were + drinking, drums and trumpets sounded nearer and nearer, the marketplace + was filled with soldiers, and His Royal Highness looking forth, recognised + the Paflagonian banners, and the Paflagonian national air which the bands + were playing. + </p> + <p> + The troops all made for the tavern at once, and as they came up Giglio + exclaimed, on beholding their leader, "Whom do I see? Yes!—no! It + is, it is!—Phoo!—No, it can't be! Yes! it is my friend, my + gallant faithful veteran, Captain Hedzoff! Ho, Hedzoff! Knowest thou not + thy Prince, thy Giglio? Good Corporal, methinks we once were friends. Ha, + Sergeant, an my memory serves me right, we have had many a bout at + singlestick." + </p> + <p> + "I' faith, we have, a many, good my Lord," says the Sergeant. + </p> + <p> + "Tell me, what means this mighty armament," continued His Royal Highness + from the balcony, "and whither march my Paflagonians?" + </p> + <p> + Hedzoff's head fell. "My Lord," he said, "we march as the allies of great + Padella, Crim Tartary's monarch." + </p> + <p> + "Crim Tartary's usurper, gallant Hedzoff! Crim Tartary's grim tyrant, + honest Hedzoff!" said the Prince, on the balcony, quite sarcastically. + </p> + <p> + "A soldier, Prince, must needs obey his orders: mine are to help his + Majesty Padella. And also (though alack that I should say it!) to seize + wherever I should light upon him—" + </p> + <p> + "First catch your hare! ha, Hedzoff!" exclaimed His Royal Highness. + </p> + <p> + "—On the body of GIGLIO, whilome Prince of Paflagonia" Hedzoff went + on, with indescribable emotion. "My Prince, give up your sword without + ado. Look! we are thirty thousand men to one!" + </p> + <p> + "Give up my sword! Giglio give up his sword!" cried the Prince; and + stepping well forward on to the balcony, the royal youth, WITHOUT + PREPARATION, delivered a speech so magnificent, that no report can do + justice to it. It was all in blank verse (in which, from this time, he + invariably spoke, as more becoming his majestic station). It lasted for + three days and three nights, during which not a single person who heard + him was tired, or remarked the difference between daylight and dark. The + soldiers only cheering tremendously, when occasionally, once in nine + hours, the Prince paused to suck an orange, which Jones took out of the + bag. He explained, in terms which we say we shall not attempt to convey, + the whole history of the previous transaction, and his determination not + only not to give up his sword, but to assume his rightful crown; and at + the end of this extraordinary, this truly GIGANTIC effort, Captain Hedzoff + flung up his helmet, and cried, "Hurray! Hurray! Long live King Giglio!" + </p> + <p> + Such were the consequences of having employed his time well at College! + </p> + <p> + When the excitement had ceased, beer was ordered out for the army, and + their Sovereign himself did not disdain a little! And now it was with some + alarm that Captain Hedzoff told him his division was only the advanced + guard of the Paflagonian contingent, hastening to King Padella's aid; the + main force being a day's march in the rear under His Royal Highness Prince + Bulbo. + </p> + <p> + "We will wait here, good friend, to beat the Prince," his Majesty said, + "and THEN will make his royal father wince." + </p> + <p> + XV. WE RETURN TO ROSALBA. + </p> + <p> + King Padella made very similar proposals to Rosalba to those which she had + received from the various princes who, as we have seen, had fallen in love + with her. His Majesty was a widower, and offered to marry his fair captive + that instant, but she declined his invitation in her usual polite gentle + manner, stating that Prince Giglio was her love, and that any other union + was out of the question. Having tried tears and supplications in vain, + this violent-tempered monarch menaced her with threats and tortures; but + she declared she would rather suffer all these than accept the hand of her + father's murderer, who left her finally, uttering the most awful + imprecations, and bidding her prepare for death on the following morning. + </p> + <p> + All night long the King spent in advising how he should get rid of this + obdurate young creature. Cutting off her head was much too easy a death + for her; hanging was so common in his Majesty's dominions that it no + longer afforded him any sport; finally, he bethought himself of a pair of + fierce lions which had lately been sent to him as presents, and he + determined, with these ferocious brutes, to hunt poor Rosalba down. + Adjoining his castle was an amphitheatre where the Prince indulged in + bull-baiting, rat-hunting, and other ferocious sports. The two lions were + kept in a cage under this place; their roaring might be heard over the + whole city, the inhabitants of which, I am sorry to say, thronged in + numbers to see a poor young lady gobbled up by two wild beasts. + </p> + <p> + The King took his place in the royal box, having the officers of his Court + around and the Count Hogginarmo by his side, upon whom his Majesty was + observed to look very fiercely: the fact is, royal spies had told the + monarch of Hogginarmo's behavior, his proposals to Rosalba, and his offer + to fight for the crown. Black as thunder looked King Padella at this proud + noble, as they sat in the front seats of the theatre waiting to see the + tragedy whereof poor Rosalba was to be the heroine. + </p> + <p> + At length that Princess was brought out in her nightgown, with all her + beautiful hair falling down her back, and looking so pretty that even the + beef-eaters and keepers of the wild animals wept plentifully at seeing + her. And she walked with her poor little feet (only luckily the arena was + covered with sawdust), and went and leaned up against a great stone in the + centre of the amphitheatre, round which the Court and the people were + seated in boxes, with bars before them, for fear of the great, fierce, + red-maned, black-throated, long-tailed, roaring, bellowing, rushing lions. + </p> + <p> + And now the gates were opened, and with a "Wurrawarrurawarar!" two great + lean, hungry, roaring lions rushed out of their den, where they had been + kept for three weeks on nothing but a little toast-and-water, and dashed + straight up to the stone where poor Rosalba was waiting. Commend her to + your patron saints, all you kind people, for she is in a dreadful state! + </p> + <p> + There was a hum and a buzz all through the circus, and the fierce King + Padella even felt a little compassion. But Count Hogginarmo, seated by his + Majesty, roared out "Hurray! Now for it! Soo-soo-soo!" that nobleman being + uncommonly angry still at Rosalba's refusal of him. + </p> + <p> + But, O strange event! O remarkable circumstance! O extraordinary + coincidence, which I am sure none of you could BY ANY POSSIBILITY have + divined! When the lions came to Rosalba, instead of devouring her with + their great teeth, it was with kisses they gobbled her up! They licked her + pretty feet, they nuzzled their noses in her lap, they moo'd, they seemed + to say, "Dear, dear sister don't you recollect your brothers in the + forest?" And she put her pretty white arms round their tawny necks, and + kissed them. + </p> + <p> + King Padella was immensely astonished. The Count Hogginarmo was extremely + disgusted. "Pooh!" the Count cried. "Gammon!" exclaimed his Lordship. + "These lions are tame beasts come from Wombwell's or Astley's. It is a + shame to put people off in this way. I believe they are little boys + dressed up in door-mats. They are no lions at all." + </p> + <p> + "Ha!" said the King, "you dare to say 'Gammon!' to your Sovereign, do you? + These lions are no lions at all, aren't they? Ho! my beef-eaters! Ho! my + bodyguard! Take this Count Hogginarmo and fling him into the circus! Give + him a sword and buckler, let him keep his armor on, and his weather-eye + out, and fight these lions." + </p> + <p> + The haughty Hogginarmo laid down his opera-glass, and looked scowling + round at the King and his attendants. "Touch me not, dogs!" he said, "or + by St. Nicholas the Elder, I will gore you! Your Majesty thinks Hogginarmo + is afraid? No, not of a hundred thousand lions! Follow me down into the + circus, King Padella, and match thyself against one of yon brutes. Thou + darest not. Let them both come on, then!" And opening a grating of the + box, he jumped lightly down into the circus. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + WURRA WURRA WURRA WUR-AW-AW-AW!!! + In about two minutes + The Count Hogginarmo was + GOBBLED UP + by + those lions, + bones, boots, and all, + and + There was an + End of him. +</pre> + <p> + At this, the King said, "Serve him right, the rebellious ruffian! And now, + as those lions won't eat that young woman—" + </p> + <p> + "Let her off!—let her off!" cried the crowd. + </p> + <p> + "NO!" roared the King. "Let the beef-eaters go down and chop her into + small pieces. If the lions defend her, let the archers shoot them to + death. That hussy shall die in tortures!" + </p> + <p> + "A-a-ah!" cried the crowd. "Shame! shame!" + </p> + <p> + "Who dares cry out 'Shame?'" cried the furious potentate (so little can + tyrants command their passions). "Fling any scoundrel who says a word down + among the lions!" I warrant you there was a dead silence then, which was + broken by a "Pang arang pang pangkarangpang!" and a Knight and a Herald + rode in at the further end of the circus; the Knight, in full armor, with + his vizor up, and bearing a letter on the point of his lance. + </p> + <p> + "Ha!" exclaimed the King, "by my fay, 'tis Elephant and Castle, pursuivant + of my brother of Paflagonia; and the Knight, an my memory serves me, is + the gallant Captain Hedzoff! What news from Paflagonia, gallant Hedzoff? + Elephant and Castle, beshrew me, thy trumpeting must have made thee + thirsty. What will my trusty herald like to drink?" + </p> + <p> + "Bespeaking first safe conduct from your Lordship," said Captain Hedzoff, + "before we take a drink of anything, permit us to deliver our King's + message." + </p> + <p> + "My Lordship, ha!" said Crim Tartary, frowning terrifically. "That title + soundeth strange in the anointed ears of a crowned King. Straightway speak + out your message, Knight and Herald!" + </p> + <p> + Reining up his charger in a most elegant manner close under the King's + balcony, Hedzoff turned to the Herald, and bade him begin. + </p> + <p> + Elephant and Castle, dropping his trumpet over his shoulder, took a large + sheet of paper out of his hat, and began to read:— + </p> + <p> + "O Yes! O Yes! O Yes! Know all men by these presents, that we, Giglio, + King of Paflagonia, Grand Duke of Cappadocia, Sovereign Prince of Turkey + and the Sausage Islands, having assumed our rightful throne and title, + long time falsely borne by our usurping Uncle, styling himself King of + Paflagonia—" + </p> + <p> + "Ha!" growled Padella. + </p> + <p> + "Hereby summon the false traitor, Padella, calling himself King of Crim + Tartary—" + </p> + <p> + The King's curses were dreadful. "Go on, Elephant and Castle!" said the + intrepid Hedzoff. + </p> + <p> + "—To release from cowardly imprisonment his liege lady and rightful + Sovereign, ROSALBA, Queen of Crim Tartary, and restore her to her royal + throne: in default of which, I, Giglio, proclaim the said Padella sneak, + traitor, humbug, usurper, and coward. I challenge him to meet me, with + fists or with pistols, with battle-axe or sword, with blunderbuss or + single-stick, alone or at the head of his army, on foot or on horseback; + and will prove my words upon his wicked ugly body!" + </p> + <p> + "God save the King!" said Captain Hedzoff, executing a demivolte, two + semilunes, and three caracols. + </p> + <p> + "Is that all?" said Padella, with the terrific calm of concentrated fury. + </p> + <p> + "That, sir, is all my royal master's message. Here is his Majesty's letter + in autograph, and here is his glove, and if any gentleman of Crim Tartary + chooses to find fault with his Majesty's expressions, I, Kustasoff + Hedzoff, Captain of the Guard, am very much at his service," and he waved + his lance, and looked at the assembly all round. + </p> + <p> + "And what says my good brother of Paflagonia, my dear son's father-in-law, + to this rubbish?" asked the King. + </p> + <p> + "The King's uncle hath been deprived of the crown he unjustly wore," said + Hedzoff gravely. "He and his ex-minister, Glumboso, are now in prison + waiting the sentence of my royal master. After the battle of Bombardaro—" + </p> + <p> + "Of what?" asked the surprised Padella. + </p> + <p> + "—Of Bombardaro, where my liege, his present Majesty, would have + performed prodigies of valor, but that the whole of his uncle's army came + over to our side, with the exception of Prince Bulbo—" + </p> + <p> + "Ah! my boy, my boy, my Bulbo was no traitor!" cried Padella. + </p> + <p> + "Prince Bulbo, far from coming over to us, ran away, sir; but I caught + him. The Prince is a prisoner in our army, and the most terrific tortures + await him if a hair of the Princess Rosalba's head is injured." + </p> + <p> + "Do they?" exclaimed the furious Padella, who was now perfectly LIVID with + rage. "Do they indeed? So much the worse for Bulbo. I've twenty sons as + lovely each as Bulbo. Not one but is as fit to reign as Bulbo. Whip, + whack, flog, starve, rack, punish, torture Bulbo—break all his bones—roast + him or flay him alive—pull all his pretty teeth out one by one! But + justly dear as Bulbo is to me,—joy of my eyes, fond treasure of my + soul!—Ha, ha, ha, ha! revenge is dearer still. Ho! tortures, + rack-men, executioners—light up the fires and make the pincers hot! + get lots of boiling lead!—Bring out ROSALBA!" + </p> + <p> + XVI. HOW HEDZOFF RODE BACK AGAIN TO KING GIGLIO. + </p> + <p> + Captain Hedzoff rode away when King Padella uttered this cruel command, + having done his duty in delivering the message with which his royal master + had entrusted him. Of course he was very sorry for Rosalba, but what could + he do? + </p> + <p> + So he returned to King Giglio's camp, and found the young monarch in a + disturbed state of mind, smoking cigars in the royal tent. His Majesty's + agitation was not appeased by the news that was brought by his ambassador. + "The brutal, ruthless ruffian royal wretch!" Giglio exclaimed. "As + England's poesy has well remarked, 'The man that lays his hand upon a + woman, save in the way of kindness, is a villain.' Ha, Hedzoff!" + </p> + <p> + "That he is, your Majesty," said the attendant. + </p> + <p> + "And didst thou see her flung into the oil? and didn't the soothing oil—the + emollient oil, refuse to boil, good Hedzoff—and to spoil the fairest + lady ever eyes did look on?" + </p> + <p> + "'Faith, good my liege, I had no heart to look and see a beauteous lady + boiling down; I took your royal message to Padella, and bore his back to + you. I told him you would hold Prince Bulbo answerable. He only said that + he had twenty sons as good as Bulbo, and forthwith he bade the ruthless + executioners proceed." + </p> + <p> + "O cruel father—O unhappy son!" cried the King. "Go, some of you, + and bring Prince Bulbo hither." + </p> + <p> + Bulbo was brought in chains, looking very uncomfortable. Though a + prisoner, he had been tolerably happy, perhaps because his mind was at + rest, and all the fighting was over, and he was playing at marbles with + his guards when the King sent for him. + </p> + <p> + "Oh, my poor Bulbo," said his Majesty, with looks of infinite compassion, + "hast thou heard the news?" (for you see Giglio wanted to break the thing + gently to the Prince), "thy brutal father has condemned Rosalba—p-p-p-ut + her to death, P-p-p-prince Bulbo!" + </p> + <p> + "What, killed Betsinda! Boo-hoo-hoo," cried out Bulbo. "Betsinda! pretty + Betsinda! dear Betsinda! She was the dearest little girl in the world. I + love her better twenty thousand times even than Angelica." And he went on + expressing his grief in so hearty and unaffected a manner that the King + was quite touched by it, and said, shaking Bulbo's hand, that he wished he + had known Bulbo sooner. + </p> + <p> + Bulbo, quite unconsciously, and meaning for the best, offered to come and + sit with his Majesty, and smoke a cigar with him, and console him. The + ROYAL KINDNESS supplied Bulbo with a cigar; he had not had one, he said, + since he was taken prisoner. + </p> + <p> + And now think what must have been the feelings of the most MERCIFUL OF + MONARCHS, when he informed his prisoner that, in consequence of King + Padella's CRUEL AND DASTARDLY BEHAVIOR to Rosalba, Prince Bulbo must + instantly be executed! The noble Giglio could not restrain his tears, nor + could the Grenadiers, nor the officers, nor could Bulbo himself, when the + matter was explained to him, and he was brought to understand that his + Majesty's promise, of course, was ABOVE EVERYTHING, and Bulbo must submit. + So poor Bulbo was led out, Hedzoff trying to console him, by pointing out + that if he had won the battle of Bombardaro, he might have hanged Prince + Giglio. "Yes! But that is no comfort to me now!" said poor Bulbo; nor + indeed was it, poor fellow! + </p> + <p> + He was told the business would be done the next morning at eight, and was + taken back to his dungeon, where every attention was paid to him. The + gaoler's wife sent him tea, and the turnkey's daughter begged him to write + his name in her album, where a many gentlemen had written it on like + occasions! "Bother your album!" says Bulbo. The Undertaker came and + measured him for the handsomest coffin which money could buy: even this + didn't console Bulbo. The Cook brought him dishes which he once used to + like; but he wouldn't touch them: he sat down and began writing an adieu + to Angelica, as the clock kept always ticking, and the hands drawing + nearer to next morning. The Barber came in at night, and offered to shave + him for the next day. Prince Bulbo kicked him away, and went on writing a + few words to Princess Angelica, as the clock kept always ticking, and the + hands hopping nearer and nearer to next morning. He got up on the top of a + hatbox, on the top of a chair, on the top of his bed, on the top of his + table, and looked out to see whether he might escape as the clock kept + always ticking and the hands drawing nearer, and nearer, and nearer. + </p> + <p> + But looking out of the window was one thing, and jumping another: and the + town clock struck seven. So he got into bed for a little sleep, but the + gaoler came and woke him, and said, "Git up, your Royal Ighness, if you + please, it's TEN MINUTES TO EIGHT!" + </p> + <p> + So poor Bulbo got up: he had gone to bed in his clothes (the lazy boy), + and he shook himself, and said he didn't mind about dressing, or having + any breakfast, thank you; and he saw the soldiers who had come for him. + "Lead on!" he said; and they led the way, deeply affected; and they came + into the courtyard, and out into the square, and there was King Giglio + come to take leave of him, and his Majesty most kindly shook hands with + him, and the GLOOMY PROCESSION marched on:—when hark! + </p> + <p> + "Haw—wurraw—wurraw—aworr!" + </p> + <p> + A roar of wild beasts was heard. And who should come riding into the town, + frightening away the boys, and even the beadle and policeman, but ROSALBA! + </p> + <p> + The fact is, that when Captain Hedzoff entered into the court of + Snapdragon Castle, and was discoursing with King Padella, the Lions made a + dash at the open gate, gobbled up the six beef-eaters in a jiffy, and away + they went with Rosalba on the back of one of them, and they carried her, + turn and turn about, till they came to the city where Prince Giglio's army + was encamped. + </p> + <p> + When the KING heard of the QUEEN'S arrival, you may think how he rushed + out of his breakfast-room to hand her Majesty off her Lion! The Lions were + grown as fat as pigs now, having had Hogginarmo and all those beef-eaters, + and were so tame, anybody might pat them. + </p> + <p> + While Giglio knelt (most gracefully) and helped the Princess, Bulbo, for + his part, rushed up and kissed the Lion. He flung his arms round the + forest monarch; he hugged him, and laughed and cried for joy. "Oh, you + darling old beast—oh, how glad I am to see you, and the dear, dear + Bets—that is, Rosalba." + </p> + <p> + "What, is it you, poor Bulbo?" said the Queen. "Oh, how glad I am to see + you," and she gave him her hand to kiss. King Giglio slapped him most + kindly on the back, and said, "Bulbo, my boy, I am delighted, for your + sake, that her Majesty has arrived." + </p> + <p> + "So am I," said Bulbo; "and YOU KNOW WHY." Captain Hedzoff here came up. + "Sire, it is half-past eight: shall we proceed with the execution?" + </p> + <p> + "Execution! what for?" asked Bulbo. + </p> + <p> + "An officer only knows his orders," replied Captain Hedzoff, showing his + warrant: on which his Majesty King Giglio smilingly said Prince Bulbo was + reprieved this time, and most graciously invited him to breakfast. + </p> + <p> + XVII. HOW A TREMENDOUS BATTLE TOOK PLACE, AND WHO WON IT. + </p> + <p> + As soon as King Padella heard—what we know already—that his + victim, the lovely Rosalba, had escaped him, his Majesty's fury knew no + bounds, and he pitched the Lord Chancellor, Lord Chamberlain, and every + officer of the Crown whom he could set eyes on, into the cauldron of + boiling oil prepared for the Princess. Then he ordered out his whole army, + horse, foot, and artillery; and set forth at the head of an innumerable + host, and I should think twenty thousand drummers, trumpeters, and fifers. + </p> + <p> + King Giglio's advance guard, you may be sure, kept that monarch acquainted + with the enemy's dealings, and he was in nowise disconcerted. He was much + too polite to alarm the Princess, his lovely guest, with any unnecessary + rumors of battles impending; on the contrary, he did everything to amuse + and divert her; gave her a most elegant breakfast, dinner, lunch, and got + up a ball for her that evening, when he danced with her every single + dance. + </p> + <p> + Poor Bulbo was taken into favor again, and allowed to go quite free now. + He had new clothes given him, was called "My good cousin" by his Majesty, + and was treated with the greatest distinction by everybody. But it was + easy to see he was very melancholy. The fact is, the sight of Betsinda, + who looked perfectly lovely in an elegant new dress, set poor Bulbo + frantic in love with her again. And he never thought about Angelica, now + Princess Bulbo, whom he had left at home, and who, as we know, did not + care much about him. + </p> + <p> + The King, dancing the twenty-fifth polka with Rosalba, remarked with + wonder the ring she wore; and then Rosalba told him how she had got it + from Gruffanuff, who no doubt had picked it up when Angelica flung it + away. + </p> + <p> + "Yes," says the Fairy Blackstick, who had come to see the young people, + and who had very likely certain plans regarding them—"that ring I + gave the Queen, Giglio's mother, who was not, saving your presence, a very + wise woman: it is enchanted, and whoever wears it looks beautiful in the + eyes of the world. I made poor Prince Bulbo, when he was christened, the + present of a rose which made him look handsome while he had it; but he + gave it to Angelica, who instantly looked beautiful again, whilst Bulbo + relapsed into his natural plainness." + </p> + <p> + "Rosalba needs no ring, I am sure," says Giglio, with a low bow. "She is + beautiful enough, in my eyes, without any enchanted aid." + </p> + <p> + "Oh, sir!" said Rosalba. + </p> + <p> + "Take off the ring and try," said the King, and resolutely drew the ring + off her finger. In HIS eyes she looked just as handsome as before! + </p> + <p> + The King was thinking of throwing the ring away, as it was so dangerous + and made all the people so mad about Rosalba; but being a Prince of great + humor, and good humor too, he cast eyes upon a poor youth who happened to + be looking on very disconsolately, and said— + </p> + <p> + "Bulbo, my poor lad! come and try on this ring. The Princess Rosalba makes + it a present to you." The magic properties of this ring were uncommonly + strong, for no sooner had Bulbo put it on, but lo and behold, he appeared + a personable, agreeable young Prince enough—with a fine complexion, + fair hair, rather stout, and with bandy legs; but these were encased in + such a beautiful pair of yellow morocco boots that nobody remarked them. + And Bulbo's spirits rose up almost immediately after he had looked in the + glass, and he talked to their Majesties in the most lively, agreeable + manner, and danced opposite the Queen with one of the prettiest maids of + honor, and after looking at her Majesty, could not help saying, "How very + odd! she is very pretty, but not so EXTRAORDINARILY handsome." "Oh no, by + no means!" says the Maid of Honor. + </p> + <p> + "But what care I, dear sir," says the Queen, who overheard them, "if YOU + think I am good-looking enough?" + </p> + <p> + His Majesty's glance in reply to this affectionate speech was such that no + painter could draw it. And the Fairy Blackstick said, "Bless you, my + darling children! Now you are united and happy; and now you see what I + said from the first, that a little misfortune has done you both good. YOU, + Giglio, had you been bred in prosperity, would scarcely have learned to + read or write—you would have been idle and extravagant, and could + not have been a good King as now you will be. You, Rosalba, would have + been so flattered, that your little head might have been turned like + Angelica's, who thought herself too good for Giglio." + </p> + <p> + "As if anybody could be good enough for HIM," cried Rosalba. + </p> + <p> + "Oh, you, you darling!" says Giglio. And so she was; and he was just + holding out his arms in order to give her a hug before the whole company, + when a messenger came rushing in, and said, "My Lord, the enemy!" + </p> + <p> + "To arms!" cries Giglio. + </p> + <p> + "Oh, mercy!" says Rosalba, and fainted of course. He snatched one kiss + from her lips, and rushed FORTH TO THE FIELD of battle! + </p> + <p> + The Fairy had provided King Giglio with a suit of armor, which was not + only embroidered all over with jewels, and blinding to your eyes to look + at, but was water-proof, gun-proof, and sword-proof; so that in the midst + of the very hottest battles his Majesty rode about as calmly as if he had + been a British Grenadier at Alma. Were I engaged in fighting for my + country, I should like such a suit of armor as Prince Giglio wore; but, + you know, he was a Prince of a fairy tale, and they always have these + wonderful things. + </p> + <p> + Besides the fairy armor, the Prince had a fairy horse, which would gallop + at any pace you pleased; and a fairy sword, which would lengthen and run + through a whole regiment of enemies at once. With such a weapon at + command, I wonder, for my part, he thought of ordering his army out; but + forth they all came, in magnificent new uniforms, Hedzoff and the Prince's + two college friends each commanding a division, and his Majesty prancing + in person at the head of them all. + </p> + <p> + Ah! if I had the pen of a Sir Archibald Alison, my dear friends, would I + not now entertain you with the account of a most tremendous shindy? Should + not fine blows be struck? dreadful wounds be delivered? arrows darken the + air? cannon balls crash through the battalions? cavalry charge infantry? + infantry pitch into cavalry? bugles blow; drums beat; horses neigh; fifes + sing; soldiers roar, swear, hurray; officers shout out, "Forward, my men!" + "This way, lads!" "Give it 'em, boys!" "Fight for King Giglio, and the + cause of right!" "King Padella for ever!" Would I not describe all this, I + say, and in the very finest language too? But this humble pen does not + possess the skill necessary for the description of combats. In a word, the + overthrow of King Padella's army was so complete, that if they had been + Russians you could not have wished them to be more utterly smashed and + confounded. + </p> + <p> + As for that usurping monarch, having performed acts of valor much more + considerable than could be expected of a royal ruffian and usurper, who + had such a bad cause, and who was so cruel to women,—as for King + Padella, I say, when his army ran away, the King ran away too, kicking his + first general, Prince Punchikoff, from his saddle, and galloping away on + the Prince's horse, having, indeed, had twenty-five or twenty-six of his + own shot under him. Hedzoff coming up, and finding Punchikoff down, as you + may imagine, very speedily disposed of HIM. Meanwhile King Padella was + scampering off as hard as his horse could lay legs to ground. Fast as he + scampered, I promise you somebody else galloped faster; and that + individual, as no doubt you are aware, was the Royal Giglio, who kept + bawling out, "Stay, traitor! Turn, miscreant, and defend thyself! Stand, + tyrant, coward, ruffian, royal wretch, till I cut thy ugly head from thy + usurping shoulders!" And, with his fairy sword, which elongated itself at + will, his Majesty kept poking and prodding Padella in the back, until that + wicked monarch roared with anguish. + </p> + <p> + When he was fairly brought to bay, Padella turned and dealt Prince Giglio + a prodigious crack over the sconce with his battle-axe, a most enormous + weapon, which had cut down I don't know how many regiments in the course + of the afternoon. But, law bless you! though the blow fell right down on + his Majesty's helmet, it made no more impression than if Padella had + struck him with a pat of butter: his battle-axe crumpled up in Padella's + hand, and the Royal Giglio laughed for very scorn at the impotent efforts + of that atrocious usurper. + </p> + <p> + At the ill success of his blow the Crim Tartar monarch was justly + irritated. "If," says he to Giglio, "you ride a fairy horse, and wear + fairy armor, what on earth is the use of my hitting you? I may as well + give myself up a prisoner at once. Your Majesty won't, I suppose, be so + mean as to strike a poor fellow who can't strike again?" + </p> + <p> + The justice of Padella's remark struck the magnanimous Giglio. "Do you + yield yourself a prisoner, Padella?" says he. + </p> + <p> + "Of course I do," says Padella. + </p> + <p> + "Do you acknowledge Rosalba as your rightful Queen, and give up the crown + and all your treasures to your rightful mistress?" + </p> + <p> + "If I must, I must," says Padella, who was naturally very sulky. + </p> + <p> + By this time King Giglio's aides-de-camp had come up, whom his Majesty + ordered to bind the prisoner. And they tied his hands behind him, and + bound his legs tight under his horse, having set him with his face to the + tail; and in this fashion he was led back to King Giglio's quarters, and + thrust into the very dungeon where young Bulbo had been confined. + </p> + <p> + Padella (who was a very different person in the depth of his distress, to + Padella, the proud wearer of the Crim Tartar crown), now most + affectionately and earnestly asked to see his son—his dear eldest + boy—his darling Bulbo; and that good-natured young man never once + reproached his haughty parent for his unkind conduct the day before, when + he would have left Bulbo to be shot without any pity, but came to see his + father, and spoke to him through the grating of the door, beyond which he + was not allowed to go; and brought him some sandwiches from the grand + supper which his Majesty was giving above stairs, in honor of the + brilliant victory which had just been achieved. + </p> + <p> + "I cannot stay with you long, sir," says Bulbo, who was in his best ball + dress, as he handed his father in the prog. "I am engaged to dance the + next quadrille with her Majesty Queen Rosalba, and I hear the fiddles + playing at this very moment." + </p> + <p> + So Bulbo went back to the ball-room and the wretched Padella ate his + solitary supper in silence and tears. + </p> + <p> + All was now joy in King Giglio's circle. Dancing, feasting, fun, + illuminations, and jollifications of all sorts ensued. The people through + whose villages they passed were ordered to illuminate their cottages at + night, and scatter flowers on the roads during the day. They were + requested—and I promise you they did not like to refuse—to + serve the troops liberally with eatables and wine; besides, the army was + enriched by the immense quantity of plunder which was found in King + Padella's camp, and taken from his soldiers; who (after they had given up + everything) were allowed to fraternize with the conquerors; and the united + forces marched back by easy stages towards King Giglio's capital, his + royal banner and that of Queen Rosalba being carried in front of the + troops. Hedzoff was made a Duke and a Field Marshal. Smith and Jones were + promoted to be Earls; the Crim Tartar Order of the Pumpkin and the + Paflagonian decoration of the Cucumber were freely distributed by their + Majesties to the army. Queen Rosalba wore the Paflagonian Ribbon of the + Cucumber across her riding-habit, whilst King Giglio never appeared + without the grand Cordon of the Pumpkin. How the people cheered them as + they rode along side by side! They were pronounced to be the handsomest + couple ever seen: that was a matter of course; but they really WERE very + handsome, and, had they been otherwise, would have looked so, they were so + happy! Their Majesties were never separated during the whole day, but + breakfasted, dined, and supped together always, and rode side by side, + interchanging elegant compliments, and indulging in the most delightful + conversation. At night, her Majesty's ladies of honor (who had all rallied + round her the day after King Padella's defeat) came and conducted her to + the apartments prepared for her; whilst King Giglio, surrounded by his + gentlemen, withdrew to his own Royal quarters. It was agreed they should + be married as soon as they reached the capital, and orders were dispatched + to the Archbishop of Blombodinga, to hold himself in readiness to perform + the interesting ceremony. Duke Hedzoff carried the message, and gave + instructions to have the Royal Castle splendidly refurnished and painted + afresh. The Duke seized Glumboso, the Ex-Prime Minister, and made him + refund that considerable sum of money which the old scoundrel had secreted + out of the late King's treasure. He also clapped Valoroso into prison + (who, by the way, had been dethroned for some considerable period past), + and when the ex-monarch weakly remonstrated, Hedzoff said, "A soldier, + sir, knows but his duty; my orders are to lock you up along with the + ex-King Padella, whom I have brought hither a prisoner under guard." So + these two ex-Royal personages were sent for a year to the House of + Correction, and thereafter were obliged to become monks of the severest + Order of Flagellants, in which state, by fasting, by vigils, by flogging + (which they administered to one another, humbly but resolutely), no doubt + they exhibited a repentance for their past misdeeds, usurpations, and + private and public crimes. + </p> + <p> + As for Glumboso, that rogue was sent to the galleys, and never had an + opportunity to steal any more. + </p> + <p> + XVIII. HOW THEY ALL JOURNEYED BACK TO THE CAPITAL. + </p> + <p> + The Fairy Blackstick, by whose means this young King and Queen had + certainly won their respective crowns back, would come not unfrequently, + to pay them a little visit—as they were riding in their triumphal + progress towards Giglio's capital—change her wand into a pony, and + travel by their Majesties' side, giving them the very best advice. I am + not sure that King Giglio did not think the Fairy and her advice rather a + bore, fancying it was his own valor and merits which had put him on his + throne, and conquered Padella: and, in fine, I fear he rather gave himself + airs towards his best friend and patroness. She exhorted him to deal + justly by his subjects, to draw mildly on the taxes, never to break his + promise when he had once given it—and in all respects to be a good + King. + </p> + <p> + "A good King, my dear Fairy!" cries Rosalba. "Of course he will. Break his + promise! can you fancy my Giglio would ever do anything so improper, so + unlike him? No! never!" And she looked fondly towards Giglio, whom she + thought a pattern of perfection. + </p> + <p> + "Why is Fairy Blackstick always advising me, and telling me how to manage + my government, and warning me to keep my word? Does she suppose that I am + not a man of sense, and a man of honor?" asks Giglio testily. "Methinks + she rather presumes upon her position." + </p> + <p> + "Hush! dear Giglio," says Rosalba. "You know Blackstick has been very kind + to us, and we must not offend her." But the Fairy was not listening to + Giglio's testy observations, she had fallen back, and was trotting on her + pony now, by Master Bulbo's side, who rode a donkey, and made himself + generally beloved in the army by his cheerfulness, kindness, and + good-humor to everybody. He was eager to see his darling Angelica. He + thought there never was such a charming being. Blackstick did not tell him + it was the possession of the magic rose that made Angelica so lovely in + his eyes. She brought him the very best accounts of his little wife, whose + misfortunes and humiliations had indeed very greatly improved her; and, + you see, she could whisk off on her wand a hundred miles in a minute, and + be back in no time, and so carry polite messages from Bulbo to Angelica, + and from Angelica to Bulbo, and comfort that young man upon his journey. + </p> + <p> + When the Royal party arrived at the last stage before you reach + Blombodinga, who should be in waiting, in her carriage there with her lady + of honor by her side, but the Princess Angelica? She rushed into her + husband's arms, scarcely stopping to make a passing curtsey to the King + and Queen. She had no eyes but for Bulbo, who appeared perfectly lovely to + her on account of the fairy ring which he wore; whilst she herself, + wearing the magic rose in her bonnet, seemed entirely beautiful to the + enraptured Bulbo. + </p> + <p> + A splendid luncheon was served to the Royal party, of which the + Archbishop, the Chancellor, Duke Hedzoff, Countess Gruffanuff, and all our + friends partook, the Fairy Blackstick being seated on the left of King + Giglio, with Bulbo and Angelica beside her. You could hear the joy-bells + ringing in the capital, and the guns which the citizens were firing off in + honor of their Majesties. + </p> + <p> + "What can have induced that hideous old Gruffanuff to dress herself up in + such an absurd way? Did you ask her to be your bridesmaid, my dear?" says + Giglio to Rosalba. "What a figure of fun Gruffy is!" + </p> + <p> + Gruffy was seated opposite their Majesties, between the Archbishop and the + Lord Chancellor, and a figure of fun she certainly was, for she was + dressed in a low white silk dress, with lace over, a wreath of white roses + on her wig, a splendid lace veil, and her yellow old neck was covered with + diamonds. She ogled the King in such a manner that his Majesty burst out + laughing. + </p> + <p> + "Eleven o'clock!" cries Giglio, as the great Cathedral bell of Blombodinga + tolled that hour. "Gentlemen and ladies, we must be starting. Archbishop, + you must be at church, I think, before twelve?" + </p> + <p> + "We must be at church before twelve," sighs out Gruffanuff in a + languishing voice, hiding her old face behind her fan. + </p> + <p> + "And then I shall be the happiest man in my dominions," cries Giglio, with + an elegant bow to the blushing Rosalba. + </p> + <p> + "Oh, my Giglio! Oh, my dear Majesty!" exclaims Gruffanuff; "and can it be + that this happy moment at length has arrived—" + </p> + <p> + "Of course it has arrived," says the King. + </p> + <p> + "—and that I am about to become the enraptured bride of my adored + Giglio!" continues Gruffanuff. "Lend me a smelling-bottle, somebody. I + certainly shall faint with joy." + </p> + <p> + "YOU my bride?" roars out Giglio. + </p> + <p> + "YOU marry my Prince?" cried poor little Rosalba. + </p> + <p> + "Pooh! Nonsense! The woman's mad!" exclaims the King. And all the + courtiers exhibited by their countenances and expressions, marks of + surprise, or ridicule, or incredulity, or wonder. + </p> + <p> + "I should like to know who else is going to be married, if I am not?" + shrieks out Gruffanuff. "I should like to know if King Giglio is a + gentleman, and if there is such a thing as justice in Paflagonia? Lord + Chancellor! my Lord Archbishop! will your Lordships sit by and see a poor, + fond, confiding, tender creature put upon? Has not Prince Giglio promised + to marry his Barbara? Is not this Giglio's signature? Does not this paper + declare that he is mine, and only mine?" And she handed to his Grace the + Archbishop the document which the Prince signed that evening when she wore + the magic ring, and Giglio drank so much champagne. And the old + Archbishop, taking out his eyeglasses, read—"This is to give notice, + that I, Giglio, only son of Savio, King of Paflagonia, hereby promise to + marry the charming Barbara Griselda Countess Gruffanuff, and widow of the + late Jenkins Gruffanuff, Esq." + </p> + <p> + "H'm," says the Archbishop, "the document is certainly a—a + document." + </p> + <p> + "Phoo!" says the Lord Chancellor, "the signature is not in his Majesty's + handwriting." Indeed, since his studies at Bosforo, Giglio had made an + immense improvement in caligraphy. + </p> + <p> + "Is it your handwriting, Giglio?" cries the Fairy Blackstick, with an + awful severity of countenance. + </p> + <p> + "Y—y—y—es," poor Giglio gasps out, "I had quite + forgotten the confounded paper: she can't mean to hold me by it. You old + wretch, what will you take to let me off? Help the Queen, some one—her + Majesty has fainted." + </p> + <p> + "Chop her head off!" } exclaim the impetuous Hedzoff, + </p> + <p> + "Smother the old witch!" } the ardent Smith, and the + </p> + <p> + "Pitch her into the river!"} faithful Jones. + </p> + <p> + But Gruffanuff flung her arms round the Archbishop's neck, and bellowed + out, "Justice, justice, my Lord Chancellor!" so loudly, that her piercing + shrieks caused everybody to pause. As for Rosalba, she was borne away + lifeless by her ladies; and you may imagine the look of agony which Giglio + cast towards that lovely being, as his hope, his joy, his darling, his all + in all, was thus removed, and in her place the horrid old Gruffanuff + rushed up to his side, and once more shrieked out, "Justice, justice!" + </p> + <p> + "Won't you take that sum of money which Glumboso hid?" says Giglio; "two + hundred and eighteen thousand millions, or thereabouts. It's a handsome + sum." + </p> + <p> + "I will have that and you too!" says Gruffanuff. + </p> + <p> + "Let us throw the crown jewels into the bargain," gasps out Giglio. + </p> + <p> + "I will wear them by my Giglio's side!" says Gruffanuff. + </p> + <p> + "Will half, three-quarters, five-sixths, nineteen-twentieths, of my + kingdom do, Countess?" asks the trembling monarch. + </p> + <p> + "What were all Europe to me without YOU, my Giglio?" cries Gruff, kissing + his hand. + </p> + <p> + "I won't, I can't, I shan't,—I'll resign the crown first," shouts + Giglio, tearing away his hand; but Gruff clung to it. + </p> + <p> + "I have a competency, my love," she says, "and with thee and a cottage thy + Barbara will be happy." + </p> + <p> + Giglio was half mad with rage by this time. "I will not marry her," says + he. "Oh, Fairy, Fairy, give me counsel?" And as he spoke he looked wildly + round at the severe face of the Fairy Blackstick. + </p> + <p> + "'Why is Fairy Blackstick always advising me, and warning me to keep my + word? Does she suppose that I am not a man of honor?'" said the Fairy, + quoting Giglio's own haughty words. He quailed under the brightness of her + eyes; he felt that there was no escape for him from that awful + inquisition. + </p> + <p> + "Well, Archbishop," said he in a dreadful voice, that made his Grace + start, "since this Fairy has led me to the height of happiness but to dash + me down into the depths of despair, since I am to lose Rosalba, let me at + least keep my honor. Get up, Countess, and let us be married; I can keep + my word, but I can die afterwards." + </p> + <p> + "Oh, dear Giglio," cries Gruffanuff, skipping up, "I knew, I knew I could + trust thee—I knew that my Prince was the soul of honor. Jump into + your carriages, ladies and gentlemen, and let us go to church at once; and + as for dying, dear Giglio, no, no:—thou wilt forget that + insignificant little chambermaid of a Queen—thou wilt live to be + consoled by thy Barbara! She wishes to be a Queen, and not a Queen + Dowager, my gracious Lord!" And hanging upon poor Giglio's arm, and + leering and grinning in his face in the most disgusting manner, this old + wretch tripped off in her white satin shoes, and jumped into the very + carriage which had been got ready to convey Giglio and Rosalba to church. + The cannons roared again, the bells pealed triple-bobmajors, the people + came out flinging flowers upon the path of the royal bride and bridegroom, + and Gruff looked out of the gilt coach window and bowed and grinned to + them. Phoo! the horrid old wretch! + </p> + <p> + XIX. AND NOW WE COME TO THE LAST SCENE IN THE PANTOMIME. + </p> + <p> + The many ups and downs of her life had given the Princess Rosalba + prodigious strength of mind, and that highly principled young woman + presently recovered from her fainting-fit, out of which Fairy Blackstick, + by a precious essence which the Fairy always carried in her pocket, + awakened her. Instead of tearing her hair, crying, and bemoaning herself, + and fainting again, as many young women would have done, Rosalba + remembered that she owed an example of firmness to her subjects; and + though she loved Giglio more than her life, was determined, as she told + the Fairy, not to interfere between him and justice, or to cause him to + break his royal word. + </p> + <p> + "I cannot marry him, but I shall love him always," says she to Blackstick; + "I will go and be present at his marriage with the Countess, and sign the + book, and wish them happy with all my heart. I will see, when I get home, + whether I cannot make the new Queen some handsome presents. The Crim + Tartary crown diamonds are uncommonly fine, and I shall never have any use + for them. I will live and die unmarried like Queen Elizabeth, and, of + course, I shall leave my crown to Giglio when I quit this world. Let us go + and see them married, my dear Fairy, let me say one last farewell to him; + and then, if you please, I will return to my own dominions." + </p> + <p> + So the Fairy kissed Rosalba with peculiar tenderness, and at once changed + her wand into a very comfortable coach-and-four, with a steady coachman, + and two respectable footmen behind, and the Fairy and Rosalba got into the + coach, which Angelica and Bulbo entered after them. As for honest Bulbo, + he was blubbering in the most pathetic manner, quite overcome by Rosalba's + misfortune. She was touched by the honest fellow's sympathy, promised to + restore to him the confiscated estates of Duke Padella his father, and + created him, as he sat there in the coach, Prince, Highness, and First + Grandee of the Crim Tartar Empire. The coach moved on, and, being a fairy + coach, soon came up with the bridal procession. + </p> + <p> + Before the ceremony at church it was the custom in Paflagonia, as it is in + other countries, for the bride and bridegroom to sign the Contract of + Marriage, which was to be witnessed by the Chancellor, Minister, Lord + Mayor, and principal officers of state. Now, as the royal palace was being + painted and furnished anew, it was not ready for the reception of the King + and his bride, who proposed at first to take up their residence at the + Prince's palace, that one which Valoroso occupied when Angelica was born, + and before he usurped the throne. + </p> + <p> + So the marriage party drove up to the palace: the dignitaries got out of + their carriages and stood aside: poor Rosalba stepped out of her coach, + supported by Bulbo, and stood almost fainting up against the railings so + as to have a last look of her dear Giglio. As for Blackstick, she, + according to her custom, had flown out of the coach window in some + inscrutable manner, and was now standing at the palace door. + </p> + <p> + Giglio came up the steps with his horrible bride on his arm, looking as + pale as if he was going to execution. He only frowned at the Fairy + Blackstick—he was angry with her, and thought she came to insult his + misery. + </p> + <p> + "Get out of the way, pray," says Gruffanuff haughtily. "I wonder why you + are always poking your nose into other people's affairs?" + </p> + <p> + "Are you determined to make this poor young man unhappy?" says Blackstick. + </p> + <p> + "To marry him, yes! What business is it of yours? Pray, madam, don't say + 'you' to a Queen," cries Gruffanuff. + </p> + <p> + "You won't take the money he offered you?" + </p> + <p> + "No." + </p> + <p> + "You won't let him off his bargain, though you know you cheated him when + you made him sign the paper?" + </p> + <p> + "Impudence! Policemen, remove this woman!" cries Gruffanuff. And the + policemen were rushing forward, but with a wave of her wand the Fairy + struck them all like so many statues in their places. + </p> + <p> + "You won't take anything in exchange for your bond, Mrs. Gruffanuff," + cries the Fairy, with awful severity. "I speak for the last time." + </p> + <p> + "No!" shrieks Gruffanuff, stamping with her foot. "I'll have my husband, + my husband, my husband!" + </p> + <p> + "YOU SHALL HAVE YOUR HUSBAND!" the Fairy Blackstick cried; and advancing a + step, laid her hand upon the nose of the KNOCKER. + </p> + <p> + As she touched it, the brass nose seemed to elongate, the open mouth + opened still wider, and uttered a roar which made everybody start. The + eyes rolled wildly; the arms and legs uncurled themselves, writhed about, + and seemed to lengthen with each twist; the knocker expanded into a figure + in yellow livery, six feet high; the screws by which it was fixed to the + door unloosed themselves, and JENKINS GRUFFANUFF once more trod the + threshold off which he had been lifted more than twenty years ago! + </p> + <p> + "Master's not at home," says Jenkins, just in his old voice; and Mrs. + Jenkins, giving a dreadful YOUP, fell down in a fit, in which nobody + minded her. + </p> + <p> + For everybody was shouting, "Huzzay! huzzay!" "Hip, hip, hurray!" "Long + live the King and Queen!" "Were such things ever seen?" "No, never, never, + never!" "The Fairy Blackstick for ever!" + </p> + <p> + The bells were ringing double peals, the guns roaring and banging most + prodigiously. Bulbo was embracing everybody; the Lord Chancellor was + flinging up his wig and shouting like a madman; Hedzoff had got the + Archbishop round the waist, and they were dancing a jig for joy; and as + for Giglio, I leave you to imagine what HE was doing, and if he kissed + Rosalba once, twice—twenty thousand times, I'm sure I don't think he + was wrong. + </p> + <p> + So Gruffanuff opened the hall door with a low bow, just as he had been + accustomed to do, and they all went in and signed the book, and then they + went to church and were married, and the Fairy Blackstick sailed away on + her cane, and was never more heard of in Paflagonia. + </p> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's The Christmas Books, by William Makepeace Thackeray + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE CHRISTMAS BOOKS *** + +***** This file should be named 2731-h.htm or 2731-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/7/3/2731/ + +Produced by Donald Lainson; David Widger + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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