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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 05:19:44 -0700 |
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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/2731-h.zip b/2731-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..bbff62a --- /dev/null +++ b/2731-h.zip diff --git a/2731-h/2731-h.htm b/2731-h/2731-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..286cd24 --- /dev/null +++ b/2731-h/2731-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,10193 @@ +<?xml version="1.0" encoding="us-ascii"?> + +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" > + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en"> + <head> + <title> + The Christmas Books, by William Makepeace Thackeray + </title> + <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + + body { margin:5%; background:#faebd0; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} + div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } + div.middle { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; } + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} + .pagenum {display:inline; font-size: 70%; font-style:normal; + margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%; + text-align: right;} + pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} + +</style> + </head> + <body> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + +Project Gutenberg's The Christmas Books, by William Makepeace Thackeray + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Christmas Books + +Author: William Makepeace Thackeray + +Release Date: May 25, 2006 [EBook #2731] +Last Updated: December 17, 2012 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE CHRISTMAS BOOKS *** + + + + +Produced by Donald Lainson; David Widger + + + + + +</pre> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h1> + THE CHRISTMAS BOOKS <br /> of <br /> MR. M. A. TITMARSH + </h1> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h2> + By William Makepeace Thackeray + </h2> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h2> + Contents + </h2> + <table summary=""> + <tr> + <td> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0001"> MRS. PERKINS'S BALL. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0002"> OUR STREET </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0003"> DOCTOR BIRCH AND HIS YOUNG FRIENDS </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0004"> THE KICKLEBURYS ON THE RHINE. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0006"> THE ROSE AND THE RING: </a> + </p> + </td> + </tr> + </table> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0001" id="link2H_4_0001"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h2> + MRS. PERKINS'S BALL. + </h2> + <h3> + THE MULLIGAN (OF BALLYMULLIGAN), AND HOW WE WENT TO MRS. PERKINS'S BALL. + </h3> + <p> + I do not know where Ballymulligan is, and never knew anybody who did. Once + I asked the Mulligan the question, when that chieftain assumed a look of + dignity so ferocious, and spoke of "Saxon curiawsitee" in a tone of such + evident displeasure, that, as after all it can matter very little to me + whereabouts lies the Celtic principality in question, I have never pressed + the inquiry any farther. + </p> + <p> + I don't know even the Mulligan's town residence. One night, as he bade us + adieu in Oxford Street,—"I live THERE," says he, pointing down + towards Oxbridge, with the big stick he carries—so his abode is in + that direction at any rate. He has his letters addressed to several of his + friends' houses, and his parcels, &c. are left for him at various + taverns which he frequents. That pair of checked trousers, in which you + see him attired, he did me the favor of ordering from my own tailor, who + is quite as anxious as anybody to know the address of the wearer. In like + manner my hatter asked me, "Oo was the Hirish gent as 'ad ordered four + 'ats and a sable boar to be sent to my lodgings?" As I did not know + (however I might guess) the articles have never been sent, and the + Mulligan has withdrawn his custom from the "infernal four-and-nine-penny + scoundthrel," as he calls him. The hatter has not shut up shop in + consequence. + </p> + <p> + I became acquainted with the Mulligan through a distinguished countryman + of his, who, strange to say, did not know the chieftain himself. But + dining with my friend Fred Clancy, of the Irish bar, at Greenwich, the + Mulligan came up, "inthrojuiced" himself to Clancy as he said, claimed + relationship with him on the side of Brian Boroo, and drawing his chair to + our table, quickly became intimate with us. He took a great liking to me, + was good enough to find out my address and pay me a visit: since which + period often and often on coming to breakfast in the morning I have found + him in my sitting-room on the sofa engaged with the rolls and morning + papers: and many a time, on returning home at night for an evening's quiet + reading, I have discovered this honest fellow in the arm-chair before the + fire, perfuming the apartment with my cigars and trying the quality of + such liquors as might be found on the sideboard. The way in which he pokes + fun at Betsy, the maid of the lodgings, is prodigious. She begins to laugh + whenever he comes; if he calls her a duck, a divvle, a darlin', it is all + one. He is just as much a master of the premises as the individual who + rents them at fifteen shillings a week; and as for handkerchiefs, + shirt-collars, and the like articles of fugitive haberdashery, the loss + since I have known him is unaccountable. I suspect he is like the cat in + some houses: for, suppose the whiskey, the cigars, the sugar, the + tea-caddy, the pickles, and other groceries disappear, all is laid upon + that edax-rerum of a Mulligan. + </p> + <p> + The greatest offence that can be offered to him is to call him MR. + Mulligan. "Would you deprive me, sir," says he, "of the title which was + bawrun be me princelee ancestors in a hundred thousand battles? In our own + green valleys and fawrests, in the American savannahs, in the sierras of + Speen and the flats of Flandthers, the Saxon has quailed before me war-cry + of MULLIGAN ABOO! MR. Mulligan! I'll pitch anybody out of the window who + calls me MR. Mulligan." He said this, and uttered the slogan of the + Mulligans with a shriek so terrific, that my uncle (the Rev. W. Gruels, of + the Independent Congregation, Bungay), who had happened to address him in + the above obnoxious manner, while sitting at my apartments drinking tea + after the May meetings, instantly quitted the room, and has never taken + the least notice of me since, except to state to the rest of the family + that I am doomed irrevocably to perdition. + </p> + <p> + Well, one day last season, I had received from my kind and most estimable + friend, MRS. PERKINS OF POCKLINGTON SQUARE (to whose amiable family I have + had the honor of giving lessons in drawing, French, and the German flute), + an invitation couched in the usual terms, on satin gilt-edged note-paper, + to her evening-party; or, as I call it, "Ball." + </p> + <p> + Besides the engraved note sent to all her friends, my kind patroness had + addressed me privately as follows:— + </p> + <p> + MY DEAR MR. TITMARSH,—If you know any VERY eligible young man, we + give you leave to bring him. You GENTLEMEN love your CLUBS so much now, + and care so little for DANCING, that it is really quite A SCANDAL. Come + early, and before EVERYBODY, and give us the benefit of all your taste and + CONTINENTAL SKILL. + </p> + <p> + "Your sincere + </p> + <p> + "EMILY PERKINS." + </p> + <p> + "Whom shall I bring?" mused I, highly flattered by this mark of + confidence; and I thought of Bob Trippett; and little Fred Spring, of the + Navy Pay Office; Hulker, who is rich, and I knew took lessons in Paris; + and a half-score of other bachelor friends, who might be considered as + VERY ELIGIBLE—when I was roused from my meditation by the slap of a + hand on my shoulder; and looking up, there was the Mulligan, who began, as + usual, reading the papers on my desk. + </p> + <p> + "Hwhat's this?" says he. "Who's Perkins? Is it a supper-ball, or only a + tay-ball?" + </p> + <p> + "The Perkinses of Pocklington Square, Mulligan, are tiptop people," says + I, with a tone of dignity. "Mr. Perkins's sister is married to a baronet, + Sir Giles Bacon, of Hogwash, Norfolk. Mr. Perkins's uncle was Lord Mayor + of London; and he was himself in Parliament, and MAY BE again any day. The + family are my most particular friends. A tay-ball indeed! why, Gunter . . + ." Here I stopped: I felt I was committing myself. + </p> + <p> + "Gunter!" says the Mulligan, with another confounded slap on the shoulder. + "Don't say another word: I'LL go widg you, my boy." + </p> + <p> + "YOU go, Mulligan?" says I: "why, really—I—it's not my party." + </p> + <p> + "Your hwhawt? hwhat's this letter? a'n't I an eligible young man?—Is + the descendant of a thousand kings unfit company for a miserable + tallow-chandthlering cockney? Are ye joking wid me? for, let me tell ye, I + don't like them jokes. D'ye suppose I'm not as well bawrun and bred as + yourself, or any Saxon friend ye ever had?" + </p> + <p> + "I never said you weren't, Mulligan," says I. + </p> + <p> + "Ye don't mean seriously that a Mulligan is not fit company for a + Perkins?" + </p> + <p> + "My dear fellow, how could you think I could so far insult you?" says I. + "Well, then," says he, "that's a matter settled, and we go." + </p> + <p> + What the deuce was I to do? I wrote to Mrs. Perkins; and that kind lady + replied, that she would receive the Mulligan, or any other of my friends, + with the greatest cordiality. "Fancy a party, all Mulligans!" thought I, + with a secret terror. + </p> + <p> + MR. AND MRS. PERKINS, THEIR HOUSE, AND THEIR YOUNG PEOPLE. + </p> + <p> + Following Mrs. Perkins's orders, the present writer made his appearance + very early at Pocklington Square: where the tastiness of all the + decorations elicited my warmest admiration. Supper of course was in the + dining-loom, superbly arranged by Messrs. Grigs and Spooner, the + confectioners of the neighborhood. I assisted my respected friend Mr. + Perkins and his butler in decanting the sherry, and saw, not without + satisfaction, a large bath for wine under the sideboard, in which were + already placed very many bottles of champagne. + </p> + <p> + The BACK DINING-ROOM, Mr. P.'s study (where the venerable man goes to + sleep after dinner), was arranged on this occasion as a tea-room, Mrs. + Flouncey (Miss Fanny's maid) officiating in a cap and pink ribbons, which + became her exceedingly. Long, long before the arrival of the company, I + remarked Master Thomas Perkins and Master Giles Bacon, his cousin (son of + Sir Giles Bacon, Bart.), in this apartment, busy among the macaroons. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Gregory the butler, besides John the footman and Sir Giles's large man + in the Bacon livery, and honest Grundsell, carpet-beater and green-grocer, + of Little Pocklington Buildings, had at least half a dozen of + aides-de-camp in black with white neck-cloths, like doctors of divinity. + </p> + <p> + The BACK DRAWING-ROOM door on the landing being taken off the hinges (and + placed up stairs under Mr. Perkins's bed), the orifice was covered with + muslin, and festooned with elegant wreaths of flowers. This was the + Dancing Saloon. A linen was spread over the carpet; and a band—consisting + of Mr. Clapperton, piano, Mr. Pinch, harp, and Herr Spoff, cornet-a-piston + arrived at a pretty early hour, and were accommodated with some + comfortable negus in the tea-room, previous to the commencement of their + delightful labors. The boudoir to the left was fitted up as a card-room; + the drawing-room was of course for the reception of the company,—the + chandeliers and yellow damask being displayed this night in all their + splendor; and the charming conservatory over the landing was ornamented by + a few moon-like lamps, and the flowers arranged so that it had the + appearance of a fairy bower. And Miss Perkins (as I took the liberty of + stating to her mamma) looked like the fairy of that bower. It is this + young creature's first year in PUBLIC LIFE: she has been educated, + regardless of expense, at Hammersmith; and a simple white muslin dress and + blue ceinture set off charms of which I beg to speak with respectful + admiration. + </p> + <p> + My distinguished friend the Mulligan of Ballymulligan was good enough to + come the very first of the party. By the way, how awkward it is to be the + first of the party! and yet you know somebody must; but for my part, being + timid, I always wait at the corner of the street in the cab, and watch + until some other carriage comes up. + </p> + <p> + Well, as we were arranging the sherry in the decanters down the + supper-tables, my friend arrived: "Hwhares me friend Mr. Titmarsh?" I + heard him bawling out to Gregory in the passage, and presently he rushed + into the supper-room, where Mr. and Mrs. Perkins and myself were, and as + the waiter was announcing "Mr. Mulligan," "THE Mulligan of Ballymulligan, + ye blackguard!" roared he, and stalked into the apartment, "apologoizing," + as he said, for introducing himself. + </p> + <p> + Mr. and Mrs. Perkins did not perhaps wish to be seen in this room, which + was for the present only lighted by a couple of candles; but HE was not at + all abashed by the circumstance, and grasping them both warmly by the + hands, he instantly made himself at home. "As friends of my dear and + talented friend Mick," so he is pleased to call me, "I'm deloighted, + madam, to be made known to ye. Don't consider me in the light of a mere + acquaintance! As for you, my dear madam, you put me so much in moind of my + own blessed mother, now resoiding at Ballymulligan Castle, that I begin to + love ye at first soight." At which speech Mr. Perkins getting rather + alarmed, asked the Mulligan whether he would take some wine, or go up + stairs. + </p> + <p> + "Faix," says Mulligan "it's never too soon for good dhrink." And (although + he smelt very much of whiskey already) he drank a tumbler of wine "to the + improvement of an acqueentence which comminces in a manner so + deloightful." + </p> + <p> + "Let's go up stairs, Mulligan," says I, and led the noble Irishman to the + upper apartments, which were in a profound gloom, the candles not being + yet illuminated, and where we surprised Miss Fanny, seated in the twilight + at the piano, timidly trying the tunes of the polka which she danced so + exquisitely that evening. She did not perceive the stranger at first; but + how she started when the Mulligan loomed upon her. + </p> + <p> + "Heavenlee enchanthress!" says Mulligan, "don't floy at the approach of + the humblest of your sleeves! Reshewm your pleece at that insthrument, + which weeps harmonious, or smoils melojious, as you charrum it! Are you + acqueented with the Oirish Melodies? Can ye play, 'Who fears to talk of + Nointy-eight?' the 'Shan Van Voght?' or the 'Dirge of Ollam Fodhlah?'" + </p> + <p> + "Who's this mad chap that Titmarsh has brought?" I heard Master Bacon + exclaim to Master Perkins. "Look! how frightened Fanny looks!" + </p> + <p> + "O poo! gals are ALWAYS frightened," Fanny's brother replied; but Giles + Bacon, more violent, said, "I'll tell you what, Tom: if this goes on, we + must pitch into him." And so I have no doubt they would, when another + thundering knock coming, Gregory rushed into the room and began lighting + all the candles, so as to produce an amazing brilliancy, Miss Fanny sprang + up and ran to her mamma, and the young gentlemen slid down the banisters + to receive the company in the hall. + </p> + <p> + EVERYBODY BEGINS TO COME, BUT ESPECIALLY MR. MINCHIN. + </p> + <p> + "It's only me and my sisters," Master Bacon said; though "only" meant + eight in this instance. All the young ladies had fresh cheeks and purple + elbows; all had white frocks, with hair more or less auburn: and so a + party was already made of this blooming and numerous family, before the + rest of the company began to arrive. The three Miss Meggots next came in + their fly: Mr. Blades and his niece from 19 in the square: Captain and + Mrs. Struther, and Miss Struther: Doctor Toddy's two daughters and their + mamma: but where were the gentlemen? The Mulligan, great and active as he + was, could not suffice among so many beauties. At last came a brisk neat + little knock, and looking into the hall, I saw a gentleman taking off his + clogs there, whilst Sir Giles Bacon's big footman was looking on with + rather a contemptuous air. + </p> + <p> + "What name shall I enounce?" says he, with a wink at Gregory on the stair. + </p> + <p> + The gentleman in clogs said, with quiet dignity,— + </p> + <p> + MR. FREDERICK MINCHIN. + </p> + <p> + "Pump Court, Temple," is printed on his cards in very small type: and he + is a rising barrister of the Western Circuit. He is to be found at home of + mornings: afterwards "at Westminster," as you read on his back door. + "Binks and Minchin's Reports" are probably known to my legal friends: this + is the Minchin in question. + </p> + <p> + He is decidedly genteel, and is rather in request at the balls of the + Judges' and Serjeants' ladies: for he dances irreproachably, and goes out + to dinner as much as ever he can. + </p> + <p> + He mostly dines at the Oxford and Cambridge Club, of which you can easily + see by his appearance that he is a member; he takes the joint and his + half-pint of wine, for Minchin does everything like a gentleman. He is + rather of a literary turn; still makes Latin verses with some neatness; + and before he was called, was remarkably fond of the flute. + </p> + <p> + When Mr. Minchin goes out in the evening, his clerk brings his bag to the + Club, to dress; and if it is at all muddy, he turns up his trousers, so + that he may come in without a speck. For such a party as this, he will + have new gloves; otherwise Frederick, his clerk, is chiefly employed in + cleaning them with India-rubber. + </p> + <p> + He has a number of pleasant stories about the Circuit and the University, + which he tells with a simper to his neighbor at dinner; and has always the + last joke of Mr. Baron Maule. He has a private fortune of five thousand + pounds; he is a dutiful son; he has a sister married, in Harley Street; + and Lady Jane Ranville has the best opinion of him, and says he is a most + excellent and highly principled young man. + </p> + <p> + Her ladyship and daughter arrived just as Mr. Minchin had popped his clogs + into the umbrella-stand; and the rank of that respected person, and the + dignified manner in which he led her up stairs, caused all sneering on the + part of the domestics to disappear. + </p> + <p> + THE BALL-ROOM DOOR. + </p> + <p> + A hundred of knocks follow Frederick Minchin's: in half an hour Messrs. + Spoff, Pinch, and Clapperton have begun their music, and Mulligan, with + one of the Miss Bacons, is dancing majestically in the first quadrille. My + young friends Giles and Tom prefer the landing-place to the drawing-rooms, + where they stop all night, robbing the refreshment-trays as they come up + or down. Giles has eaten fourteen ices: he will have a dreadful + stomach-ache to-morrow. Tom has eaten twelve, but he has had four more + glasses of negus than Giles. Grundsell, the occasional waiter, from whom + Master Tom buys quantities of ginger-beer, can of course deny him nothing. + That is Grundsell, in the tights, with the tray. Meanwhile direct your + attention to the three gentlemen at the door: they are conversing. + </p> + <p> + 1st Gent.—Who's the man of the house—the bald man? + </p> + <p> + 2nd Gent.—Of course. The man of the house is always bald. He's a + stockbroker, I believe. Snooks brought me. + </p> + <p> + 1st Gent.—Have you been to the tea-room? There's a pretty girl in + the tea-room; blue eyes, pink ribbons, that kind of thing. + </p> + <p> + 2nd Gent.—Who the deuce is that girl with those tremendous + shoulders? Gad! I do wish somebody would smack 'em. + </p> + <p> + 3rd Gent.—Sir—that young lady is my niece, sir,—my niece—my + name is Blades, sir. + </p> + <p> + 2nd Gent.—Well, Blades! smack your niece's shoulders: she deserves + it, begad! she does. Come in, Jinks, present me to the Perkinses.—Hullo! + here's an old country acquaintance—Lady Bacon, as I live! with all + the piglings; she never goes out without the whole litter. (Exeunt 1st and + 2nd Gents.) + </p> + <p> + LADY BACON, THE MISS BACONS, MR. FLAM. + </p> + <p> + Lady B.—Leonora! Maria! Amelia! here is the gentleman we met at Sir + John Porkington's. + </p> + <p> + [The MISSES BACON, expecting to be asked to dance, smile simultaneously, + and begin to smooth their tuckers.] + </p> + <p> + Mr. Flam.—Lady Bacon! I couldn't be mistaken in YOU! Won't you + dance, Lady Bacon? + </p> + <p> + Lady B.—Go away, you droll creature! + </p> + <p> + Mr. Flam.—And these are your ladyship's seven lovely sisters, to + judge from their likenesses to the charming Lady Bacon? + </p> + <p> + Lady B.—My sisters, he! he! my DAUGHTERS, Mr. Flam, and THEY dance, + don't you, girls? + </p> + <p> + The Misses Bacon.—O yes! + </p> + <p> + Mr. Flam.—Gad! how I wish I was a dancing man! + </p> + <p> + [Exit FLAM. + </p> + <p> + MR. LARKINS. + </p> + <p> + I have not been able to do justice (only a Lawrence could do that) to my + respected friend Mrs. Perkins, in this picture; but Larkins's portrait is + considered very like. Adolphus Larkins has been long connected with Mr. + Perkins's City establishment, and is asked to dine twice or thrice per + annum. Evening-parties are the great enjoyment of this simple youth, who, + after he has walked from Kentish Town to Thames Street, and passed twelve + hours in severe labor there, and walked back again to Kentish Town, finds + no greater pleasure than to attire his lean person in that elegant evening + costume which you see, to walk into town again, and to dance at anybody's + house who will invite him. Islington, Pentonville, Somers Town, are the + scenes of many of his exploits; and I have seen this good-natured fellow + performing figure-dances at Notting-hill, at a house where I am ashamed to + say there was no supper, no negus even to speak of, nothing but the bare + merits of the polka in which Adolphus revels. To describe this gentleman's + infatuation for dancing, let me say, in a word, that he will even frequent + boarding-house hops, rather than not go. + </p> + <p> + He has clogs, too, like Minchin: but nobody laughs at HIM. He gives + himself no airs; but walks into a house with a knock and a demeanor so + tremulous and humble, that the servants rather patronize him. He does not + speak, or have any particular opinions, but when the time comes, begins to + dance. He bleats out a word or two to his partner during this operation, + seems very weak and sad during the whole performance, and, of course, is + set to dance with the ugliest women everywhere. + </p> + <p> + The gentle, kind spirit! when I think of him night after night, hopping + and jigging, and trudging off to Kentish Town, so gently, through the + fogs, and mud, and darkness: I do not know whether I ought to admire him, + because his enjoyments are so simple, and his dispositions so kindly; or + laugh at him, because he draws his life so exquisitely mild. Well, well, + we can't be all roaring lions in this world; there must be SOME lambs, and + harmless, kindly, gregarious creatures for eating and shearing. See! even + good-natured Mrs. Perkins is leading up the trembling Larkins to the + tremendous Miss Bunion! + </p> + <p> + MISS BUNION. + </p> + <p> + The Poetess, author of "Heartstrings," "The Deadly Nightshade," "Passion + Flowers," &c. Though her poems breathe only of love, Miss B. has never + been married. She is nearly six feet high; she loves waltzing beyond even + poesy; and I think lobster-salad as much as either. She confesses to + twenty-eight; in which case her first volume, "The Orphan of Gozo," (cut + up by Mr. Rigby, in the Quarterly, with his usual kindness,) must have + been published when she was three years old. + </p> + <p> + For a woman all soul, she certainly eats as much as any woman I ever saw. + The sufferings she has had to endure, are, she says, beyond compare; the + poems which she writes breathe a withering passion, a smouldering despair, + an agony of spirit that would melt the soul of a drayman, were he to read + them. Well, it is a comfort to see that she can dance of nights, and to + know (for the habits of illustrious literary persons are always worth + knowing) that she eats a hot mutton-chop for breakfast every morning of + her blighted existence. + </p> + <p> + She lives in a boardinghouse at Brompton, and comes to the party in a fly. + </p> + <p> + MR. HICKS. + </p> + <p> + It is worth twopence to see Miss Bunion and Poseidon Hicks, the great + poet, conversing with one another, and to talk of one to the other + afterwards. How they hate each other! I (in my wicked way) have sent Hicks + almost raving mad, by praising Bunion to him in confidence; and you can + drive Bunion out of the room by a few judicious panegyrics of Hicks. + </p> + <p> + Hicks first burst upon the astonished world with poems, in the Byronic + manner: "The Death-Shriek," "The Bastard of Lara," "The Atabal," "The + Fire-Ship of Botzaris," and other works. His "Love Lays," in Mr. Moore's + early style, were pronounced to be wonderfully precocious for a young + gentleman then only thirteen, and in a commercial academy, at Tooting. + </p> + <p> + Subsequently, this great bard became less passionate and more thoughtful; + and, at the age of twenty, wrote "Idiosyncracy" (in forty books, 4to.): + "Ararat," "a stupendous epic," as the reviews said; and "The Megatheria," + "a magnificent contribution to our pre-Adamite literature," according to + the same authorities. Not having read these works, it would ill become me + to judge them; but I know that poor Jingle, the publisher, always + attributed his insolvency to the latter epic, which was magnificently + printed in elephant folio. + </p> + <p> + Hicks has now taken a classical turn, and has brought out "Poseidon," + "Iacchus," "Hephaestus," and I dare say is going through the mythology. + But I should not like to try him at a passage of the Greek Delectus, any + more than twenty thousand others of us who have had a "classical + education." + </p> + <p> + Hicks was taken in an inspired attitude regarding the chandelier, and + pretending he didn't know that Miss Pettifer was looking at him. + </p> + <p> + Her name is Anna Maria (daughter of Higgs and Pettifer, solicitors, + Bedford Row); but Hicks calls her "Ianthe" in his album verses, and is + himself an eminent drysalter in the city. + </p> + <p> + MISS MEGGOT. + </p> + <p> + Poor Miss Meggot is not so lucky as Miss Bunion. Nobody comes to dance + with HER, though she has a new frock on, as she calls it, and rather a + pretty foot, which she always manages to stick out. + </p> + <p> + She is forty-seven, the youngest of three sisters, who live a mouldy old + house, near Middlesex Hospital, where they have lived for I don't know how + many score of years; but this is certain: the eldest Miss Meggot saw the + Gordon Riots out of that same parlor window, and tells the story how her + father (physician to George III.) was robbed of his queue in the streets + on that occasion. The two old ladies have taken the brevet rank, and are + addressed as Mrs. Jane and Mrs. Betsy: one of them is at whist in the back + drawing-room. But the youngest is still called Miss Nancy, and is + considered quite a baby by her sisters. + </p> + <p> + She was going to be married once to a brave young officer, Ensign Angus + Macquirk, of the Whistlebinkie Fencibles; but he fell at Quatre Bras, by + the side of the gallant Snuffmull, his commander. Deeply, deeply did Miss + Nancy deplore him. + </p> + <p> + But time has cicatrized the wounded heart. She is gay now, and would sing + or dance, ay, or marry if anybody asked her. + </p> + <p> + Do go, my dear friend—I don't mean to ask her to marry, but to ask + her to dance.—Never mind the looks of the thing. It will make her + happy; and what does it cost you? Ah, my dear fellow! take this counsel: + always dance with the old ladies—always dance with the governesses. + It is a comfort to the poor things when they get up in their garret that + somebody has had mercy on them. And such a handsome fellow as YOU too! + </p> + <p> + MISS RANVILLE, REV. MR. TOOP, MISS MULLINS, MR. WINTER. + </p> + <p> + Mr. W. Miss Mullins, look at Miss Ranville: what a picture of good humor. + </p> + <p> + Miss M.—Oh, you satirical creature! + </p> + <p> + Mr. W.—Do you know why she is so angry? she expected to dance with + Captain Grig, and by some mistake, the Cambridge Professor got hold of + her: isn't he a handsome man? + </p> + <p> + Miss M.—Oh, you droll wretch! + </p> + <p> + Mr. W.—Yes, he's a fellow of college—fellows mayn't marry, + Miss Mullins—poor fellows, ay, Miss Mullins? + </p> + <p> + Miss M.—La! + </p> + <p> + Mr. W.—And Professor of Phlebotomy in the University. He flatters + himself he is a man of the world, Miss Mullins, and always dances in the + long vacation. + </p> + <p> + Miss M.—You malicious, wicked monster! + </p> + <p> + Mr. W.—Do you know Lady Jane Ranville? Miss Ranville's mamma. A ball + once a year; footmen in canary-colored livery: Baker Street; six dinners + in the season; starves all the year round; pride and poverty, you know; + I've been to her ball ONCE. Ranville Ranville's her brother, and between + you and me—but this, dear Miss Mullins, is a profound secret,—I + think he's a greater fool than his sister. + </p> + <p> + Miss M.—Oh, you satirical, droll, malicious, wicked thing you! + </p> + <p> + Mr. W.—You do me injustice, Miss Mullins, indeed you do. + </p> + <p> + [Chaine Anglaise.] + </p> + <p> + MISS JOY, MR. AND MRS. JOY, MR. BOTTER. + </p> + <p> + Mr. B.—What spirits that girl has, Mrs. Joy! + </p> + <p> + Mr. J.—She's a sunshine in a house, Botter, a regular sunshine. When + Mrs. J. here's in a bad humor, I . . . + </p> + <p> + Mrs. J.—Don't talk nonsense, Mr. Joy. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. B.—There's a hop, skip, and jump for you! Why, it beats + Ellsler! Upon my conscience it does! It's her fourteenth quadrille too. + There she goes! She's a jewel of a girl, though I say it that shouldn't. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. J. (laughing).—Why don't you marry her, Botter? Shall I speak + to her? I dare say she'd have you. You're not so VERY old. + </p> + <p> + Mr. B.—Don't aggravate me, Mrs. J. You know when I lost my heart in + the year 1817, at the opening of Waterloo Bridge, to a young lady who + wouldn't have me, and left me to die in despair, and married Joy, of the + Stock Exchange. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. J. Get away, you foolish old creature. + </p> + <p> + [MR. JOY looks on in ecstasies at Miss Joy's agility. LADY JANE RANVILLE, + of Baker Street, pronounces her to be an exceedingly forward person. + CAPTAIN DOBBS likes a girl who has plenty of go in her; and as for FRED + SPARKS, he is over head and ears in love with her.] + </p> + <p> + MR. RANVILLE RANVILLE AND JACK HUBBARD. + </p> + <p> + This is Miss Ranville Ranville's brother, Mr. Ranville Ranville, of the + Foreign Office, faithfully designed as he was playing at whist in the + card-room. Talleyrand used to play at whist at the "Travellers'," that is + why Ranville Ranville indulges in that diplomatic recreation. It is not + his fault if he be not the greatest man in the room. + </p> + <p> + If you speak to him, he smiles sternly, and answers in monosyllables he + would rather die than commit himself. He never has committed himself in + his life. He was the first at school, and distinguished at Oxford. He is + growing prematurely bald now, like Canning, and is quite proud of it. He + rides in St. James's Park of a morning before breakfast. He dockets his + tailor's bills, and nicks off his dinner-notes in diplomatic paragraphs, + and keeps precis of them all. If he ever makes a joke, it is a quotation + from Horace, like Sir Robert Peel. The only relaxation he permits himself, + is to read Thucydides in the holidays. + </p> + <p> + Everybody asks him out to dinner, on account of his brass-buttons with the + Queen's cipher, and to have the air of being well with the Foreign Office. + "Where I dine," he says solemnly, "I think it is my duty to go to + evening-parties." That is why he is here. He never dances, never sups, + never drinks. He has gruel when he goes home to bed. I think it is in his + brains. + </p> + <p> + He is such an ass and so respectable, that one wonders he has not + succeeded in the world; and yet somehow they laugh at him; and you and I + shall be Ministers as soon as he will. + </p> + <p> + Yonder, making believe to look over the print-books, is that merry rogue, + Jack Hubbard. + </p> + <p> + See how jovial he looks! He is the life and soul of every party, and his + impromptu singing after supper will make you die of laughing. He is + meditating an impromptu now, and at the same time thinking about a bill + that is coming due next Thursday. Happy dog! + </p> + <p> + MRS. TROTTER, MISS TROTTER, MISS TOADY, LORD METHUSELAH. + </p> + <p> + Dear Emma Trotter has been silent and rather ill-humored all the evening + until now her pretty face lights up with smiles. Cannot you guess why? + Pity the simple and affectionate creature! Lord Methuselah has not arrived + until this moment: and see how the artless girl steps forward to greet + him! + </p> + <p> + In the midst of all the selfishness and turmoil of the world, how charming + it is to find virgin hearts quite unsullied, and to look on at little + romantic pictures of mutual love! Lord Methuselah, though you know his age + by the peerage—though he is old, wigged, gouty, rouged, wicked, has + lighted up a pure flame in that gentle bosom. There was a talk about Tom + Willoughby last year; and then, for a time, young Hawbuck (Sir John + Hawbuck's youngest son) seemed the favored man; but Emma never knew her + mind until she met the dear creature before you in a Rhine steamboat. "Why + are you so late, Edward?" says she. Dear artless child! + </p> + <p> + Her mother looks on with tender satisfaction. One can appreciate the joys + of such an admirable parent! + </p> + <p> + "Look at them!" says Miss Toady. "I vow and protest they're the handsomest + couple in the room!" + </p> + <p> + Methuselah's grandchildren are rather jealous and angry, and Mademoiselle + Ariane, of the French theatre, is furious. But there's no accounting for + the mercenary envy of some people; and it is impossible to satisfy + everybody. + </p> + <p> + MR. BEAUMORIS, MR. GRIG, MR. FLYNDERS. + </p> + <p> + Those three young men are described in a twinkling: Captain Grig of the + Heavies; Mr. Beaumoris, the handsome young man; Tom Flinders (Flynders + Flynders he now calls himself), the fat gentleman who dresses after + Beaumoris. + </p> + <p> + Beaumoris is in the Treasury: he has a salary of eighty pounds a year, on + which he maintains the best cab and horses of the season; and out of which + he pays seventy guineas merely for his subscriptions to clubs. He hunts in + Leicestershire, where great men mount him; he is a prodigious favorite + behind the scenes at the theatres; you may get glimpses of him at + Richmond, with all sorts of pink bonnets; and he is the sworn friend of + half the most famous roues about town, such as Old Methuselah, Lord + Billygoat, Lord Tarquin, and the rest: a respectable race. It is to oblige + the former that the good-natured young fellow is here to-night; though it + must not be imagined that he gives himself any airs of superiority. Dandy + as he is, he is quite affable, and would borrow ten guineas from any man + in the room, in the most jovial way possible. + </p> + <p> + It is neither Beau's birth, which is doubtful; nor his money, which is + entirely negative; nor his honesty, which goes along with his + money-qualification; nor his wit, for he can barely spell,—which + recommend him to the fashionable world: but a sort of Grand Seigneur + splendor and dandified je ne scais quoi, which make the man he is of him. + The way in which his boots and gloves fit him is a wonder which no other + man can achieve; and though he has not an atom of principle, it must be + confessed that he invented the Taglioni shirt. + </p> + <p> + When I see these magnificent dandies yawning out of "White's," or + caracoling in the Park on shining chargers, I like to think that Brummell + was the greatest of them all, and that Brummell's father was a footman. + </p> + <p> + Flynders is Beaumoris's toady: lends him money: buys horses through his + recommendation; dresses after him; clings to him in Pall Mall, and on the + steps of the club; and talks about 'Bo' in all societies. It is his drag + which carries down Bo's friends to the Derby, and his cheques pay for + dinners to the pink bonnets. I don't believe the Perkinses know what a + rogue it is, but fancy him a decent, reputable City man, like his father + before him. + </p> + <p> + As for Captain Grig, what is there to tell about him? He performs the + duties of his calling with perfect gravity. He is faultless on parade; + excellent across country; amiable when drunk, rather slow when sober. He + has not two ideas, and is a most good-natured, irreproachable, gallant, + and stupid young officer. + </p> + <p> + CAVALIER SEUL. + </p> + <p> + This is my friend Bob Hely, performing the Cavalier seul in a quadrille. + Remark the good-humored pleasure depicted in his countenance. Has he any + secret grief? Has he a pain anywhere? No, dear Miss Jones, he is dancing + like a true Briton, and with all the charming gayety and abandon of our + race. + </p> + <p> + When Canaillard performs that Cavalier seul operation, does HE flinch? No: + he puts on his most vainqueur look, he sticks his thumbs into the armholes + of his waistcoat, and advances, retreats, pirouettes, and otherwise + gambadoes, as though to say, "Regarde moi, O monde! Venez, O femmes, venez + voir danser Canaillard!" + </p> + <p> + When De Bobwitz executes the same measure, he does it with smiling + agility, and graceful ease. + </p> + <p> + But poor Hely, if he were advancing to a dentist, his face would not be + more cheerful. All the eyes of the room are upon him, he thinks; and he + thinks he looks like a fool. + </p> + <p> + Upon my word, if you press the point with me, dear Miss Jones, I think he + is not very far from right. I think that while Frenchmen and Germans may + dance, as it is their nature to do, there is a natural dignity about us + Britons, which debars us from that enjoyment. I am rather of the Turkish + opinion, that this should be done for us. I think . . . + </p> + <p> + "Good-by, you envious old fox-and-the-grapes," says Miss Jones, and the + next moment I see her whirling by in a polka with Tom Tozer, at a pace + which makes me shrink back with terror into the little boudoir. + </p> + <p> + M. CANAILLARD, CHEVALIER OF THE LEGION OF HONOR. LIEUTENANT BARON DE + BOBWITZ. + </p> + <p> + Canaillard. Oh, ces Anglais! quels hommes, mon Dieu! Comme ils sont + habilles, comme ils dansent! + </p> + <p> + Bobwitz.—Ce sont de beaux hommes bourtant; point de tenue militaire, + mais de grands gaillards; si je les avais dans ma compagnie de la Garde, + j'en ferai de bons soldats. + </p> + <p> + Canaillard.—Est-il bete, cet Allemand! Les grands hommes ne font pas + toujours de bons soldats, Monsieur. Il me semble que les soldats de France + qui sont de ma taille, Monsieur, valent un peu mieux . . . + </p> + <p> + Bobwitz.—Vous croyez? + </p> + <p> + Canaillard.—Comment! je le crois, Monsieur? J'en suis sur! Il me + semble, Monsieur, que nous l'avons prouve. + </p> + <p> + Bobwitz (impatiently).—Je m'en vais danser la Bolka. Serviteur, + Monsieur. + </p> + <p> + Canaillard.—Butor! (He goes and looks at himself in the glass, when + he is seized by Mrs. Perkins for the Polka.) + </p> + <p> + THE BOUDOIR. MR. SMITH, MR. BROWN, MISS BUSTLETON. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Brown.—You polk, Miss Bustleton? I'm SO delaighted. + </p> + <p> + Miss Bustleton.—[Smiles and prepares to rise.] + </p> + <p> + Mr. Smith.—D—- puppy. + </p> + <p> + (Poor Smith don't polk.) + </p> + <p> + GRAND POLKA. + </p> + <p> + Though a quadrille seems to me as dreary as a funeral, yet to look at a + polka, I own, is pleasant. See! Brown and Emily Bustleton are whirling + round as light as two pigeons over a dovecot; Tozer, with that wicked + whisking little Jones, spins along as merrily as a May-day sweep; Miss Joy + is the partner of the happy Fred Sparks; and even Miss Ranville is + pleased, for the faultless Captain Grig is toe and heel with her. + Beaumoris, with rather a nonchalant air, takes a turn with Miss Trotter, + at which Lord Methuseleh's wrinkled chops quiver uneasily. See! how the + big Baron de Bobwitz spins lightly, and gravely, and gracefully round; and + lo! the Frenchman staggering under the weight of Miss Bunion, who tramps + and kicks like a young cart-horse. + </p> + <p> + But the most awful sight which met my view in this dance was the + unfortunate Miss Little, to whom fate had assigned THE MULLIGAN as a + partner. Like a pavid kid in the talons of an eagle, that young creature + trembled in his huge Milesian grasp. Disdaining the recognized form of the + dance, the Irish chieftain accommodated the music to the dance of his own + green land, and performed a double shuffle jig, carrying Miss Little along + with him. Miss Ranville and her Captain shrank back amazed; Miss Trotter + skirried out of his way into the protection of the astonished Lord + Methuselah; Fred Sparks could hardly move for laughing; while, on the + contrary, Miss Joy was quite in pain for poor Sophy Little. As Canaillard + and the Poetess came up, The Mulligan, in the height of his enthusiasm, + lunged out a kick which sent Miss Bunion howling; and concluded with a + tremendous Hurroo!—a war-cry which caused every Saxon heart to + shudder and quail. + </p> + <p> + "Oh that the earth would open and kindly take me in!" I exclaimed + mentally; and slunk off into the lower regions, where by this time half + the company were at supper. + </p> + <p> + THE SUPPER. + </p> + <p> + The supper is going on behind the screen. There is no need to draw the + supper. We all know that sort of transaction: the squabbling, and + gobbling, and popping of champagne; the smell of musk and lobster-salad; + the dowagers chumping away at plates of raised pie; the young lassies + nibbling at little titbits, which the dexterous young gentlemen procure. + Three large men, like doctors of divinity, wait behind the table, and + furnish everything that appetite can ask for. I never, for my part, can + eat any supper for wondering at those men. I believe if you were to ask + them for mashed turnips, or a slice of crocodile, those astonishing people + would serve you. What a contempt they must have for the guttling crowd to + whom they minister—those solemn pastry-cook's men! How they must + hate jellies, and game-pies, and champagne, in their hearts! How they must + scorn my poor friend Grundsell behind the screen, who is sucking at a + bottle! + </p> + <p> + This disguised green-grocer is a very well-known character in the + neighborhood of Pocklington Square. He waits at the parties of the gentry + in the neighborhood, and though, of course, despised in families where a + footman is kept, is a person of much importance in female establishments. + </p> + <p> + Miss Jonas always employs him at her parties, and says to her page, + "Vincent, send the butler, or send Desborough to me;" by which name she + chooses to designate G. G. + </p> + <p> + When the Miss Frumps have post-horses to their carriage, and pay visits, + Grundsell always goes behind. Those ladies have the greatest confidence in + him, have been godmothers to fourteen of his children, and leave their + house in his charge when they go to Bognor for the summer. He attended + those ladies when they were presented at the last drawing-room of her + Majesty Queen Charlotte. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + GEORGE GRUNDSELL, + + GREEN-GROCER AND SALESMAN, + + 9, LITTLE POCKLINGTON BUILDINGS, + + LATE CONFIDENTIAL SERVANT IN THE FAMILY OF + + THE LORD MAYOR OF LONDON. +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Carpets Beat.—Knives and Boots cleaned per contract.—Errands + faithfully performed—G. G. attends Ball and Dinner parties, + and from his knowledge of the most distinguished Families in + London, confidently recommends his services to the + distinguished neighbourhood of Pocklington Square. +</pre> + <p> + Mr. Grundsell's state costume is a blue coat and copper buttons, a white + waistcoat, and an immense frill and shirt-collar. He was for many years a + private watchman, and once canvassed for the office of parish clerk of St. + Peter's Pocklington. He can be intrusted with untold spoons; with + anything, in fact, but liquor; and it was he who brought round the cards + for MRS. PERKINS'S BALL. + </p> + <p> + AFTER SUPPER. + </p> + <p> + I do not intend to say any more about it. After the people had supped, + they went back and danced. Some supped again. I gave Miss Bunion, with my + own hands, four bumpers of champagne: and such a quantity of goose-liver + and truffles, that I don't wonder she took a glass of cherry-brandy + afterwards. The gray morning was in Pocklington Square as she drove away + in her fly. So did the other people go away. How green and sallow some of + the girls looked, and how awfully clear Mrs. Colonel Bludyer's rouge was! + Lady Jane Ranville's great coach had roared away down the streets long + before. Fred Minchin pattered off in his clogs: it was I who covered up + Miss Meggot, and conducted her, with her two old sisters, to the carriage. + Good old souls! They have shown their gratitude by asking me to tea next + Tuesday. Methuselah is gone to finish the night at the club. "Mind + to-morrow," Miss Trotter says, kissing her hand out of the carriage. + Canaillard departs, asking the way to "Lesterre Squar." They all go away—life + goes away. + </p> + <p> + Look at Miss Martin and young Ward! How tenderly the rogue is wrapping her + up! how kindly she looks at him! The old folks are whispering behind as + they wait for their carriage. What is their talk, think you? and when + shall that pair make a match? When you see those pretty little creatures + with their smiles and their blushes, and their pretty ways, would you like + to be the Grand Bashaw? + </p> + <p> + "Mind and send me a large piece of cake," I go up and whisper archly to + old Mr. Ward: and we look on rather sentimentally at the couple, almost + the last in the rooms (there, I declare, go the musicians, and the clock + is at five)—when Grundsell, with an air effare, rushes up to me and + says, "For e'v'n sake, sir, go into the supper-room: there's that Hirish + gent a-pitchin' into Mr. P." + </p> + <p> + THE MULLIGAN AND MR. PERKINS. + </p> + <p> + It was too true. I had taken him away after supper (he ran after Miss + Little's carriage, who was dying in love with him as he fancied), but the + brute had come back again. The doctors of divinity were putting up their + condiments: everybody was gone; but the abominable Mulligan sat swinging + his legs at the lonely supper-table! + </p> + <p> + Perkins was opposite, gasping at him. + </p> + <p> + The Mulligan.—I tell ye, ye are the butler, ye big fat man. Go get + me some more champagne: it's good at this house. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Perkins (with dignity).—It IS good at this house; but— + </p> + <p> + The Mulligan.—Bht hwhat, ye goggling, bow-windowed jackass? Go get + the wine, and we'll dthrink it together, my old buck. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Perkins.—My name, sir, is PERKINS. + </p> + <p> + The Mulligan.—Well, that rhymes with jerkins, my man of firkins; so + don't let us have any more shirkings and lurkings, Mr. Perkins. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Perkins (with apoplectic energy).—Sir, I am the master of this + house; and I order you to quit it. I'll not be insulted, sir. I'll send + for a policeman, sir. What do you mean, Mr. Titmarsh, sir, by bringing + this—this beast into my house, sir? + </p> + <p> + At this, with a scream like that of a Hyrcanian tiger, Mulligan of the + hundred battles sprang forward at his prey; but we were beforehand with + him. Mr. Gregory, Mr. Grundsell, Sir Giles Bacon's large man, the young + gentlemen, and myself, rushed simultaneously upon the tipsy chieftain, and + confined him. The doctors of divinity looked on with perfect indifference. + That Mr. Perkins did not go off in a fit is a wonder. He was led away + heaving and snorting frightfully. + </p> + <p> + Somebody smashed Mulligan's hat over his eyes, and I led him forth into + the silent morning. The chirrup of the birds, the freshness of the rosy + air, and a penn'orth of coffee that I got for him at a stall in the Regent + Circus, revived him somewhat. When I quitted him, he was not angry but + sad. He was desirous, it is true, of avenging the wrongs of Erin in battle + line; he wished also to share the grave of Sarsfield and Hugh O'Neill; but + he was sure that Miss Perkins, as well as Miss Little, was desperately in + love with him; and I left him on a doorstep in tears. + </p> + <p> + "Is it best to be laughing-mad, or crying-mad, in the world?" says I + moodily, coming into my street. Betsy the maid was already up and at work, + on her knees, scouring the steps, and cheerfully beginning her honest + daily labor. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0002" id="link2H_4_0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + OUR STREET + </h2> + <h3> + BY MR. M. A TITMARSH. + </h3> + <p> + Our street, from the little nook which I occupy in it, and whence I and a + fellow-lodger and friend of mine cynically observe it, presents a strange + motley scene. We are in a state of transition. We are not as yet in the + town, and we have left the country, where we were when I came to lodge + with Mrs. Cammysole, my excellent landlady. I then took second-floor + apartments at No. 17, Waddilove Street, and since, although I have never + moved (having various little comforts about me), I find myself living at + No. 46A, Pocklington Gardens. + </p> + <p> + Why is this? Why am I to pay eighteen shillings instead of fifteen? I was + quite as happy in Waddilove Street; but the fact is, a great portion of + that venerable old district has passed away, and we are being absorbed + into the splendid new white-stuccoed Doric-porticoed genteel Pocklington + quarter. Sir Thomas Gibbs Pocklington, M. P. for the borough of + Lathanplaster, is the founder of the district and his own fortune. The + Pocklington Estate Office is in the Square, on a line with Waddil—with + Pocklington Gardens I mean. The old inn, the "Ram and Magpie," where the + market-gardeners used to bait, came out this year with a new white face + and title, the shield, &c. of the "Pocklington Arms." Such a shield it + is! Such quarterings! Howard, Cavendish, De Ros, De la Zouche, all mingled + together. + </p> + <p> + Even our house, 46A, which Mrs. Cammysole has had painted white in + compliment to the Gardens of which it now forms part, is a sort of + impostor, and has no business to be called Gardens at all. Mr. Gibbs, Sir + Thomas's agent and nephew, is furious at our daring to take the title + which belongs to our betters. The very next door (No. 46, the Honorable + Mrs. Mountnoddy,) is a house of five stories, shooting up proudly into the + air, thirty feet above our old high-roofed low-roomed old tenement. Our + house belongs to Captain Bragg, not only the landlord but the son-in-law + of Mrs. Cammysole, who lives a couple of hundred yards down the street, at + "The Bungalow." He was the commander of the "Ram Chunder" East Indiaman, + and has quarrelled with the Pocklingtons ever since he bought houses in + the parish. + </p> + <p> + He it is who will not sell or alter his houses to suit the spirit of the + times. He it is who, though he made the widow Cammysole change the name of + her street, will not pull down the house next door, nor the baker's next, + nor the iron-bedstead and feather warehouse ensuing, nor the little + barber's with the pole, nor, I am ashamed to say, the tripe-shop, still + standing. The barber powders the heads of the great footmen from + Pocklington Gardens; they are so big that they can scarcely sit in his + little premises. And the old tavern, the "East Indiaman," is kept by + Bragg's ship-steward, and protests against the "Pocklington Arms." + </p> + <p> + Down the road is Pocklington Chapel, Rev. Oldham Slocum—in brick, + with arched windows and a wooden belfry: sober, dingy, and hideous. In the + centre of Pocklington Gardens rises St. Waltheof's, the Rev. Cyril + Thuryfer and assistants—a splendid Anglo-Norman edifice, vast, rich, + elaborate, bran new, and intensely old. Down Avemary Lane you may hear the + clink of the little Romish chapel bell. And hard by is a large + broad-shouldered Ebenezer (Rev. Jonas Gronow), out of the windows of which + the hymns come booming all Sunday long. + </p> + <p> + Going westward along the line, we come presently to Comandine House (on a + part of the gardens of which Comandine Gardens is about to be erected by + his lordship); farther on, "The Pineries," Mr. and Lady Mary Mango: and so + we get into the country, and out of Our Street altogether, as I may say. + But in the half-mile, over which it may be said to extend, we find all + sorts and conditions of people—from the Right Honorable Lord + Comandine down to the present topographer; who being of no rank as it + were, has the fortune to be treated on almost friendly footing by all, + from his lordship down to the tradesman. + </p> + <p> + OUR HOUSE IN OUR STREET + </p> + <p> + We must begin our little descriptions where they say charity should begin—at + home. Mrs. Cammysole, my landlady, will be rather surprised when she reads + this, and finds that a good-natured tenant, who has never complained of + her impositions for fifteen years, understands every one of her tricks, + and treats them, not with anger, but with scorn—with silent scorn. + </p> + <p> + On the 18th of December, 1837, for instance, coming gently down stairs, + and before my usual wont, I saw you seated in my arm-chair, peeping into a + letter that came from my aunt in the country, just as if it had been + addressed to you, and not to "M. A. Titmarsh, Esq." Did I make any + disturbance? far from it; I slunk back to my bedroom (being enabled to + walk silently in the beautiful pair of worsted slippers Miss Penelope J—s + worked for me: they are worn out now, dear Penelope!) and then rattling + open the door with a great noise, descending the stairs, singing "Son + vergin vezzosa" at the top of my voice. You were not in my sitting-room, + Mrs. Cammysole, when I entered that apartment. + </p> + <p> + You have been reading all my letters, papers, manuscripts, brouillons of + verses, inchoate articles for the Morning Post and Morning Chronicle, + invitations to dinner and tea—all my family letters, all Eliza + Townley's letters, from the first, in which she declared that to be the + bride of her beloved Michelagnolo was the fondest wish of her maiden + heart, to the last, in which she announced that her Thomas was the best of + husbands, and signed herself "Eliza Slogger;" all Mary Farmer's letters, + all Emily Delamere's; all that poor foolish old Miss MacWhirter's, whom I + would as soon marry as ——: in a word, I know that you, you + hawk-beaked, keen-eyed, sleepless, indefatigable old Mrs. Cammysole, have + read all my papers for these fifteen years. + </p> + <p> + I know that you cast your curious old eyes over all the manuscripts which + you find in my coat-pockets and those of my pantaloons, as they hang in a + drapery over the door-handle of my bedroom. + </p> + <p> + I know that you count the money in my green and gold purse, which Lucy + Netterville gave me, and speculate on the manner in which I have laid out + the difference between to-day and yesterday. + </p> + <p> + I know that you have an understanding with the laundress (to whom you say + that you are all-powerful with me), threatening to take away my practice + from her, unless she gets up gratis some of your fine linen. + </p> + <p> + I know that we both have a pennyworth of cream for breakfast, which is + brought in in the same little can; and I know who has the most for her + share. + </p> + <p> + I know how many lumps of sugar you take from each pound as it arrives. I + have counted the lumps, you old thief, and for years have never said a + word, except to Miss Clapperclaw, the first-floor lodger. Once I put a + bottle of pale brandy into that cupboard, of which you and I only have + keys, and the liquor wasted and wasted away until it was all gone. You + drank the whole of it, you wicked old woman. You a lady, indeed! + </p> + <p> + I know your rage when they did me the honor to elect me a member of the + "Poluphloisboiothalasses Club," and I ceased consequently to dine at home. + When I DID dine at home,—on a beefsteak let us say,—I should + like to know what you had for supper. You first amputated portions of the + meat when raw; you abstracted more when cooked. Do you think I was taken + in by your flimsy pretences? I wonder how you could dare to do such things + before your maids (you a clergyman's daughter and widow, indeed), whom you + yourself were always charging with roguery. + </p> + <p> + Yes, the insolence of the old woman is unbearable, and I must break out at + last. If she goes off in a fit at reading this, I am sure I shan't mind. + She has two unhappy wenches, against whom her old tongue is clacking from + morning till night: she pounces on them at all hours. It was but this + morning at eight, when poor Molly was brooming the steps, and the baker + paying her by no means unmerited compliments, that my landlady came + whirling out of the ground-floor front, and sent the poor girl whimpering + into the kitchen. + </p> + <p> + Were it but for her conduct to her maids I was determined publicly to + denounce her. These poor wretches she causes to lead the lives of demons; + and not content with bullying them all day, she sleeps at night in the + same room with them, so that she may have them up before daybreak, and + scold them while they are dressing. + </p> + <p> + Certain it is, that between her and Miss Clapperclaw, on the first floor, + the poor wenches lead a dismal life. + </p> + <p> + It is to you that I owe most of my knowledge of our neighbors; from you it + is that most of the facts and observations contained in these brief pages + are taken. Many a night, over our tea, have we talked amiably about our + neighbors and their little failings; and as I know that you speak of mine + pretty freely, why, let me say, my dear Bessy, that if we have not built + up Our Street between us, at least we have pulled it to pieces. + </p> + <p> + THE BUNGALOW—CAPTAIN AND MRS. BRAGG. + </p> + <p> + Long, long ago, when Our Street was the country—a stagecoach between + us and London passing four times a day—I do not care to own that it + was a sight of Flora Cammysole's face, under the card of her mamma's + "Lodgings to Let," which first caused me to become a tenant of Our Street. + A fine good-humored lass she was then; and I gave her lessons (part out of + the rent) in French and flower-painting. She has made a fine rich marriage + since, although her eyes have often seemed to me to say, "Ah, Mr. T., why + didn't you, when there was yet time, and we both of us were free, propose—you + know what?" "Psha! Where was the money, my dear madam?" + </p> + <p> + Captain Bragg, then occupied in building Bungalow Lodge—Bragg, I + say, living on the first floor, and entertaining sea-captains, merchants, + and East Indian friends with his grand ship's plate, being disappointed in + a project of marrying a director's daughter, who was also a second cousin + once removed of a peer,—sent in a fury for Mrs. Cammysole, his + landlady, and proposed to marry Flora off-hand, and settle four hundred a + year upon her. Flora was ordered from the back-parlor (the ground-floor + occupies the second-floor bedroom), and was on the spot made acquainted + with the splendid offer which the first-floor had made her. She has been + Mrs. Captain Bragg these twelve years. + </p> + <p> + Bragg to this day wears anchor-buttons, and has a dress-coat with a gold + strap for epaulets, in case he should have a fancy to sport them. His + house is covered with portraits, busts, and miniatures of himself. His + wife is made to wear one of the latter. On his sideboard are pieces of + plate, presented by the passengers of the "Ram Chunder" to Captain Bragg: + "The 'Ram Chunder' East Indiaman, in a gale, off Table Bay;" "The + Outward-bound Fleet, under convoy of her Majesty's frigate 'Loblollyboy,' + Captain Gutch, beating off the French squadron, under Commodore Leloup + (the 'Ram Chunder,' S.E. by E., is represented engaged with the 'Mirliton' + corvette);" "The 'Ram Chunder' standing into the Hooghly, with Captain + Bragg, his telescope and speaking-trumpet, on the poop;" "Captain Bragg + presenting the Officers of the 'Ram Chunder' to General Bonaparte at St. + Helena—TITMARSH" (this fine piece was painted by me when I was in + favor with Bragg); in a word, Bragg and the "Ram Chunder" are all over the + house. + </p> + <p> + Although I have eaten scores of dinners at Captain Bragg's charge, yet his + hospitality is so insolent, that none of us who frequent his mahogany feel + any obligation to our braggart entertainer. + </p> + <p> + After he has given one of his great heavy dinners he always takes an + opportunity to tell you, in the most public way, how many bottles of wine + were drunk. His pleasure is to make his guests tipsy, and to tell + everybody how and when the period of inebriation arose. And Miss + Clapperclaw tells me that he often comes over laughing and giggling to + her, and pretending that he has brought ME into this condition—a + calumny which I fling contemptuously in his face. + </p> + <p> + He scarcely gives any but men's parties, and invites the whole club home + to dinner. What is the compliment of being asked, when the whole club is + asked too, I should like to know? Men's parties are only good for boys. I + hate a dinner where there are no women. Bragg sits at the head of his + table, and bullies the solitary Mrs. Bragg. + </p> + <p> + He entertains us with stories of storms which he, Bragg, encountered—of + dinners which he, Bragg, has received from the Governor-General of India—of + jokes which he, Bragg, has heard; and however stale or odious they may be, + poor Mrs. B. is always expected to laugh. + </p> + <p> + Woe be to her if she doesn't, or if she laughs at anybody else's jokes. I + have seen Bragg go up to her and squeeze her arm with a savage grind of + his teeth, and say, with an oath, "Hang it, madam, how dare you laugh when + any man but your husband speaks to you? I forbid you to grin in that way. + I forbid you to look sulky. I forbid you to look happy, or to look up, or + to keep your eyes down to the ground. I desire you will not be trapesing + through the rooms. I order you not to sit as still as a stone." He curses + her if the wine is corked, or if the dinner is spoiled, or if she comes a + minute too soon to the club for him, or arrives a minute too late. He + forbids her to walk, except upon his arm. And the consequence of his ill + treatment is, that Mrs. Cammysole and Mrs. Bragg respect him beyond + measure, and think him the first of human beings. + </p> + <p> + "I never knew a woman who was constantly bullied by her husband who did + not like him the better for it," Miss Clapperclaw says. And though this + speech has some of Clapp's usual sardonic humor in it, I can't but think + there is some truth in the remark. + </p> + <p> + LEVANT HOUSE CHAMBERS. MR. RUMBOLD, A.R.A., AND MISS RUMBOLD. + </p> + <p> + When Lord Levant quitted the country and this neighborhood, in which the + tradesmen still deplore him, No. 56, known as Levantine House, was let to + the "Pococurante Club," which was speedily bankrupt (for we are too far + from the centre of town to support a club of our own); it was subsequently + hired by the West Diddlesex Railroad; and is now divided into sets of + chambers, superintended by an acrimonious housekeeper, and by a porter in + a sham livery: whom, if you don't find him at the door, you may as well + seek at the "Grapes" public-house, in the little lane round the corner. He + varnishes the japan-boots of the dandy lodgers; reads Mr. Pinkney's + Morning Post before he lets him have it; and neglects the letters of the + inmates of the chambers generally. + </p> + <p> + The great rooms, which were occupied as the salons of the noble Levant, + the coffee-rooms of the "Pococurante" (a club where the play was furious, + as I am told), and the board-room and manager's-room of the West + Diddlesex, are tenanted now by a couple of artists: young Pinkney the + miniaturist, and George Rumbold the historical painter. Miss Rumbold, his + sister lives with him, by the way; but with that young lady of course we + have nothing to do. + </p> + <p> + I knew both these gentlemen at Rome, where George wore a velvet doublet + and a beard down to his chest, and used to talk about high art at the + "Caffe Greco." How it smelled of smoke, that velveteen doublet of his, + with which his stringy red beard was likewise perfumed! It was in his + studio that I had the honor to be introduced to his sister, the fair Miss + Clara: she had a large casque with a red horse-hair plume (I thought it + had been a wisp of her brother's beard at first), and held a tin-headed + spear in her hand, representing a Roman warrior in the great picture of + "Caractacus" George was painting—a piece sixty-four feet by + eighteen. The Roman warrior blushed to be discovered in that attitude: the + tin-headed spear trembled in the whitest arm in the world. So she put it + down, and taking off the helmet also, went and sat in a far corner of the + studio, mending George's stockings; whilst we smoked a couple of pipes, + and talked about Raphael being a good deal overrated. + </p> + <p> + I think he is; and have never disguised my opinion about the + "Transfiguration.". And all the time we talked, there were Clara's eyes + looking lucidly out from the dark corner in which she was sitting, working + away at the stockings. The lucky fellow! They were in a dreadful state of + bad repair when she came out to him at Rome, after the death of their + father, the Reverend Miles Rumbold. + </p> + <p> + George, while at Rome, painted "Caractacus;" a picture of "Non Angli sed + Angeli" of course; a picture of "Alfred in the Neatherd's Cottage," + seventy-two feet by forty-eight—(an idea of the gigantic size and + Michel-Angelesque proportions of this picture may be formed, when I state + that the mere muffin, of which the outcast king is spoiling the baking, is + two feet three in diameter) and the deaths of Socrates, of Remus, and of + the Christians under Nero respectively. I shall never forget how lovely + Clara looked in white muslin, with her hair down, in this latter picture, + giving herself up to a ferocious Carnifex (for which Bob Gaunter the + architect sat), and refusing to listen to the mild suggestions of an + insinuating Flamen: which character was a gross caricature of myself. + </p> + <p> + None of George's pictures sold. He has enough to tapestry Trafalgar + Square. He has painted, since he came back to England, "The Flaying of + Marsyas," "The Smothering of the Little Boys in the Tower," "A Plague + Scene during the Great Pestilence," "Ugolino on the Seventh Day after he + was deprived of Victuals," &c. For although these pictures have great + merit, and the writhings of Marsyas, the convulsions of the little prince, + the look of agony of St. Lawrence on the gridiron, &c. are quite true + to nature, yet the subjects somehow are not agreeable; and if he hadn't a + small patrimony, my friend George would starve. + </p> + <p> + Fondness for art leads me a great deal to his studio. George is a + gentleman, and has very good friends, and good pluck too. When we were at + Rome, there was a great row between him and young Heeltap, Lord Boxmoor's + son, who was uncivil to Miss Rumbold; (the young scoundrel—had I + been a fighting man, I should like to have shot him myself!). Lady Betty + Bulbul is very fond of Clara; and Tom Bulbul, who took George's message to + Heeltap, is always hanging about the studio. At least I know that I find + the young jackanapes there almost every day, bringing a new novel, or some + poisonous French poetry, or a basket of flowers, or grapes, with Lady + Betty's love to her dear Clara—a young rascal with white kids, and + his hair curled every morning. What business has HE to be dangling about + George Rumbold's premises, and sticking up his ugly pug-face as a model + for all George's pictures? + </p> + <p> + Miss Clapperclaw says Bulbul is evidently smitten, and Clara too. What! + would she put up with such a little fribble as that, when there is a man + of intellect and taste who—but I won't believe it. It is all the + jealousy of women. + </p> + <p> + SOME OF THE SERVANTS IN OUR STREET. + </p> + <p> + These gentlemen have two clubs in our quarter—for the butlers at the + "Indiaman," and for the gents in livery at the "Pocklington Arms"—of + either of which societies I should like to be a member. I am sure they + could not be so dull as our club at the "Poluphloisboio," where one meets + the same neat, clean, respectable old fogies every day. + </p> + <p> + But with the best wishes, it is impossible for the present writer to join + either the "Plate Club" or the "Uniform Club" (as these reunions are + designated); for one could not shake hands with a friend who was standing + behind your chair, or nod a How-d'ye-do? to the butler who was pouring you + out a glass of wine;—so that what I know about the gents in our + neighborhood is from mere casual observation. For instance, I have a + slight acquaintance with (1) Thomas Spavin, who commonly wears an air of + injured innocence, and is groom to Mr. Joseph Green, of Our Street. "I + tell why the brougham 'oss is out of condition, and why Desperation broke + out all in a lather! 'Osses will, this 'eavy weather; and Desperation was + always the most mystest hoss I ever see.—I take him out with Mr. + Anderson's 'ounds—I'm above it. I allis was too timid to ride to + 'ounds by natur; and Colonel Sprigs' groom as says he saw me, is a liar," + &c. &c. + </p> + <p> + Such is the tenor of Mr. Spavin's remarks to his master. Whereas all the + world in Our Street knows that Mr. Spavin spends at least a hundred a year + in beer; that he keeps a betting-book; that he has lent Mr. Green's black + brougham horse to the omnibus driver; and, at a time when Mr. G. supposed + him at the veterinary surgeon's, has lent him to a livery stable, which + has let him out to that gentleman himself, and actually driven him to + dinner behind his own horse. + </p> + <p> + This conduct I can understand, but I cannot excuse—Mr. Spavin may; + and I leave the matter to be settled betwixt himself and Mr. Green. + </p> + <p> + The second is Monsieur Sinbad, Mr. Clarence Bulbul's man, whom we all hate + Clarence for keeping. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Sinbad is a foreigner, speaking no known language, but a mixture of + every European dialect—so that he may be an Italian brigand, or a + Tyrolese minstrel, or a Spanish smuggler, for what we know. I have heard + say that he is neither of these, but an Irish Jew. + </p> + <p> + He wears studs, hair-oil, jewellery, and linen shirt-fronts, very finely + embroidered, but not particular for whiteness. He generally appears in + faded velvet waistcoats of a morning, and is always perfumed with stale + tobacco. He wears large rings on his hands, which look as if he kept them + up the chimney. + </p> + <p> + He does not appear to do anything earthly for Clarence Bulbul, except to + smoke his cigars, and to practise on his guitar. He will not answer a + bell, nor fetch a glass of water, nor go of an errand on which, au reste, + Clarence dares not send him, being entirely afraid of his servant, and not + daring to use him, or to abuse him, or to send him away. + </p> + <p> + 3. Adams—Mr. Champignon's man—a good old man in an old livery + coat with old worsted lace—so very old, deaf, surly, and faithful, + that you wonder how he should have got into the family at all; who never + kept a footman till last year, when they came into the street. + </p> + <p> + Miss Clapperclaw says she believes Adams to be Mrs. Champignon's father, + and he certainly has a look of that lady; as Miss C. pointed out to me at + dinner one night, whilst old Adams was blundering about amongst the hired + men from Gunter's, and falling over the silver dishes. + </p> + <p> + 4. Fipps, the buttoniest page in all the street: walks behind Mrs. Grimsby + with her prayer-book, and protects her. + </p> + <p> + "If that woman wants a protector" (a female acquaintance remarks), "heaven + be good to us! She is as big as an ogress, and has an upper lip which many + a cornet of the Lifeguards might envy. Her poor dear husband was a big + man, and she could beat him easily; and did too. Mrs. Grimsby indeed! Why, + my dear Mr. Titmarsh, it is Glumdalca walking with Tom Thumb." + </p> + <p> + This observation of Miss C.'s is very true, and Mrs. Grimsby might carry + her prayer-book to church herself. But Miss Clapperclaw, who is pretty + well able to take care of herself too, was glad enough to have the + protection of the page when she went out in the fly to pay visits, and + before Mrs. Grimsby and she quarrelled at whist at Lady Pocklington's. + </p> + <p> + After this merely parenthetic observation, we come to 5, one of her + ladyship's large men, Mr. Jeames—a gentleman of vast stature and + proportions, who is almost nose to nose with us as we pass her ladyship's + door on the outside of the omnibus. I think Jeames has a contempt for a + man whom he witnesses in that position. I have fancied something like that + feeling showed itself (as far as it may in a well-bred gentleman + accustomed to society) in his behavior, while waiting behind my chair at + dinner. + </p> + <p> + But I take Jeames to be, like most giants, good-natured, lazy, stupid, + soft-hearted, and extremely fond of drink. One night, his lady being + engaged to dinner at Nightingale House, I saw Mr. Jeames resting himself + on a bench at the "Pocklington Arms:" where, as he had no liquor before + him, he had probably exhausted his credit. + </p> + <p> + Little Spitfire, Mr. Clarence Bulbul's boy, the wickedest little varlet + that ever hung on to a cab, was "chaffing" Mr. Jeames, holding up to his + face a pot of porter almost as big as the young potifer himself. + </p> + <p> + "Vill you now, Big'un, or von't you?" Spitfire said. "If you're thirsty, + vy don't you say so and squench it, old boy?" + </p> + <p> + "Don't ago on making fun of me—I can't abear chaffin'," was the + reply of Mr. Jeames, and tears actually stood in his fine eyes as he + looked at the porter and the screeching little imp before him. + </p> + <p> + Spitfire (real name unknown) gave him some of the drink: I am happy to say + Jeames's face wore quite a different look when it rose gasping out of the + porter; and I judge of his dispositions from the above trivial incident. + </p> + <p> + The last boy in the sketch, 6, need scarcely be particularized. Doctor's + boy; was a charity-boy; stripes evidently added on to a pair of the + doctor's clothes of last year—Miss Clapperclaw pointed this out to + me with a giggle. Nothing escapes that old woman. + </p> + <p> + As we were walking in Kensington Gardens, she pointed me out Mrs. Bragg's + nursery-maid, who sings so loud at church, engaged with a Lifeguardsman, + whom she was trying to convert probably. My virtuous friend rose indignant + at the sight. + </p> + <p> + "That's why these minxes like Kensington Gardens," she cried. "Look at the + woman: she leaves the baby on the grass, for the giant to trample upon; + and that little wretch of a Hastings Bragg is riding on the monster's + cane." + </p> + <p> + Miss C. flew up and seized the infant, waking it out of its sleep, and + causing all the gardens to echo with its squalling. "I'll teach you to be + impudent to me," she said to the nursery-maid, with whom my vivacious old + friend, I suppose, has had a difference; and she would not release the + infant until she had rung the bell of Bungalow Lodge, where she gave it up + to the footman. + </p> + <p> + The giant in scarlet had slunk down towards Knightsbridge meanwhile. The + big rogues are always crossing the Park and the Gardens, and hankering + about Our Street. + </p> + <p> + WHAT SOMETIMES HAPPENS IN OUR STREET. + </p> + <p> + It was before old Hunkington's house that the mutes were standing, as I + passed and saw this group at the door. The charity-boy with the hoop is + the son of the jolly-looking mute; he admires his father, who admires + himself too, in those bran-new sables. The other infants are the spawn of + the alleys about Our Street. Only the parson and the typhus fever visit + those mysterious haunts, which lie crouched about our splendid houses like + Lazarus at the threshold of Dives. + </p> + <p> + Those little ones come crawling abroad in the sunshine, to the annoyance + of the beadles, and the horror of a number of good people in the street. + They will bring up the rear of the procession anon, when the grand omnibus + with the feathers, and the line coaches with the long-tailed black horses, + and the gentleman's private carriages with the shutters up, pass along to + Saint Waltheof's. + </p> + <p> + You can hear the slow bell tolling clear in the sunshine already, mingling + with the crowing of "Punch," who is passing down the street with his show; + and the two musics make a queer medley. + </p> + <p> + Not near so many people, I remark, engage "Punch" now as in the good old + times. I suppose our quarter is growing too genteel for him. + </p> + <p> + Miss Bridget Jones, a poor curate's daughter in Wales, comes into all + Hunkington's property, and will take his name, as I am told. Nobody ever + heard of her before. I am sure Captain Hunkington, and his brother + Barnwell Hunkington, must wish that the lucky young lady had never been + heard of to the present day. + </p> + <p> + But they will have the consolation of thinking that they did their duty by + their uncle, and consoled his declining years. It was but last month that + Millwood Hunkington (the Captain) sent the old gentleman a service of + plate; and Mrs. Barnwell got a reclining carriage at a great expense from + Hobbs and Dobbs's, in which the old gentleman went out only once. + </p> + <p> + "It is a punishment on those Hunkingtons," Miss Clapperclaw remarks: "upon + those people who have been always living beyond their little incomes, and + always speculating upon what the old man would leave them, and always + coaxing him with presents which they could not afford, and he did not + want. It is a punishment upon those Hunkingtons to be so disappointed." + </p> + <p> + "Think of giving him plate," Miss C. justly says, "who had chests-full; + and sending him a carriage, who could afford to buy all Long Acre. And + everything goes to Miss Jones Hunkington. I wonder will she give the + things back?" Miss Clapperclaw asks. "I wouldn't." + </p> + <p> + And indeed I don't think Miss Clapperclaw would. + </p> + <p> + SOMEBODY WHOM NOBODY KNOWS. + </p> + <p> + That pretty little house, the last in Pocklington Square, was lately + occupied by a young widow lady who wore a pink bonnet, a short silk dress, + sustained by a crinoline, and a light blue mantle, or over-jacket (Miss C. + is not here to tell me the name of the garment); or else a black velvet + pelisse, a yellow shawl, and a white bonnet; or else—but never mind + the dress, which seemed to be of the handsomest sort money could buy—and + who had very long glossy black ringlets, and a peculiarly brilliant + complexion,—No. 96, Pocklington Square, I say, was lately occupied + by a widow lady named Mrs. Stafford Molyneux. + </p> + <p> + The very first day on which an intimate and valued female friend of mine + saw Mrs. Stafford Molyneux stepping into a brougham, with a splendid bay + horse, and without a footman, (mark, if you please, that delicate sign of + respectability,) and after a moment's examination of Mrs. S. M.'s + toilette, her manners, little dog, carnation-colored parasol, &c., + Miss Elizabeth Clapperclaw clapped to the opera-glass with which she had + been regarding the new inhabitant of Our Street, came away from the window + in a great flurry, and began poking her fire in a fit of virtuous + indignation. + </p> + <p> + "She's very pretty," said I, who had been looking over Miss C.'s shoulder + at the widow with the flashing eyes and drooping ringlets. + </p> + <p> + "Hold your tongue, sir," said Miss Clapperclaw, tossing up her virgin head + with an indignant blush on her nose. "It's a sin and a shame that such a + creature should be riding in her carriage, forsooth, when honest people + must go on foot." + </p> + <p> + Subsequent observations confirmed my revered fellow-lodger's anger and + opinion. We have watched Hansom cabs standing before that lady's house for + hours; we have seen broughams, with great flaring eyes, keeping watch + there in the darkness; we have seen the vans from the comestible-shops + drive up and discharge loads of wines, groceries, French plums, and other + articles of luxurious horror. We have seen Count Wowski's drag, Lord + Martingale's carriage, Mr. Deuceace's cab drive up there time after time; + and (having remarked previously the pastry-cook's men arrive with the + trays and entrees), we have known that this widow was giving dinners at + the little house in Pocklington Square—dinners such as decent people + could not hope to enjoy. + </p> + <p> + My excellent friend has been in a perfect fury when Mrs. Stafford + Molyneux, in a black velvet riding-habit, with a hat and feather, has come + out and mounted an odious gray horse, and has cantered down the street, + followed by her groom upon a bay. + </p> + <p> + "It won't last long—it must end in shame and humiliation," my dear + Miss C. has remarked, disappointed that the tiles and chimney-pots did not + fall down upon Mrs. Stafford Molyneux's head, and crush that cantering, + audacious woman. + </p> + <p> + But it was a consolation to see her when she walked out with a French + maid, a couple of children, and a little dog hanging on to her by a blue + ribbon. She always held down her head then—her head with the + drooping black ringlets. The virtuous and well-disposed avoided her. I + have seen the Square-keeper himself look puzzled as she passed; and Lady + Kicklebury walking by with Miss K., her daughter, turn away from Mrs. + Stafford Molyneux, and fling back at her a ruthless Parthian glance that + ought to have killed any woman of decent sensibility. + </p> + <p> + That wretched woman, meanwhile, with her rouged cheeks (for rouge it IS, + Miss Clapperclaw swears, and who is a better judge?) has walked on + conscious, and yet somehow braving out the Street. You could read pride of + her beauty, pride of her fine clothes, shame of her position, in her + downcast black eyes. + </p> + <p> + As for Mademoiselle Trampoline, her French maid, she would stare the sun + itself out of countenance. One day she tossed up her head as she passed + under our windows with a look of scorn that drove Miss Clapperclaw back to + the fireplace again. + </p> + <p> + It was Mrs. Stafford Molyneux's children, however, whom I pitied the most. + Once her boy, in a flaring tartan, went up to speak to Master Roderick + Lacy, whose maid was engaged ogling a policeman; and the children were + going to make friends, being united with a hoop which Master Molyneux had, + when Master Roderick's maid, rushing up, clutched her charge to her arms, + and hurried away, leaving little Molyneux sad and wondering. + </p> + <p> + "Why won't he play with me, mamma?" Master Molyneux asked—and his + mother's face blushed purple as she walked away. + </p> + <p> + "Ah—heaven help us and forgive us!" said I; but Miss C. can never + forgive the mother or child; and she clapped her hands for joy one day + when we saw the shutters up, bills in the windows, a carpet hanging out + over the balcony, and a crowd of shabby Jews about the steps—giving + token that the reign of Mrs. Stafford Molyneux was over. The pastry-cooks + and their trays, the bay and the gray, the brougham and the groom, the + noblemen and their cabs, were all gone; and the tradesmen in the + neighborhood were crying out that they were done. + </p> + <p> + "Serve the odious minx right!" says Miss C.; and she played at piquet that + night with more vigor than I have known her manifest for these last ten + years. + </p> + <p> + What is it that makes certain old ladies so savage upon certain subjects? + Miss C. is a good woman; pays her rent and her tradesmen; gives plenty to + the poor; is brisk with her tongue—kind-hearted in the main; but if + Mrs. Stafford Molyneux and her children were plunged into a caldron of + boiling vinegar, I think my revered friend would not take them out. + </p> + <p> + THE MAN IN POSSESSION. + </p> + <p> + For another misfortune which occurred in Our Street we were much more + compassionate. We liked Danby Dixon, and his wife Fanny Dixon still more. + Miss C. had a paper of biscuits and a box of preserved apricots always in + the cupboard, ready for Dixon's children—provisions by the way which + she locked up under Mrs. Cammysole's nose, so that our landlady could by + no possibility lay a hand on them. + </p> + <p> + Dixon and his wife had the neatest little house possible, (No. 16, + opposite 96,) and were liked and respected by the whole street. He was + called Dandy Dixon when he was in the dragoons, and was a light weight, + and rather famous as a gentleman rider. On his marriage, he sold out and + got fat: and was indeed a florid, contented, and jovial gentleman. + </p> + <p> + His little wife was charming—to see her in pink with some miniature + Dixons, in pink too, round about her, or in that beautiful gray dress, + with the deep black lace flounces, which she wore at my Lord Comandine's + on the night of the private theatricals, would have done any man good. To + hear her sing any of my little ballads, "Knowest Thou the Willow-tree?" + for instance, or "The Rose upon my Balcony," or "The Humming of the + Honey-bee," (far superior in MY judgment, and in that of SOME GOOD JUDGES + likewise, to that humbug Clarence Bulbul's ballads,)—to hear her, I + say, sing these, was to be in a sort of small Elysium. Dear, dear little + Fanny Dixon! she was like a little chirping bird of Paradise. It was a + shame that storms should ever ruffle such a tender plumage. + </p> + <p> + Well, never mind about sentiment. Danby Dixon, the owner of this little + treasure, an ex-captain of Dragoons, and having nothing to do, and a small + income, wisely thought he would employ his spare time, and increase his + revenue. He became a director of the Cornaro Life Insurance Company, of + the Tregulpho tin-mines, and of four or five railroad companies. It was + amusing to see him swaggering about the City in his clinking boots, and + with his high and mighty dragoon manners. For a time his talk about shares + after dinner was perfectly intolerable; and I for one was always glad to + leave him in the company of sundry very dubious capitalists who frequented + his house, and walk up to hear Mrs. Fanny warbling at the piano with her + little children about her knees. + </p> + <p> + It was only last season that they set up a carriage—the modestest + little vehicle conceivable—driven by Kirby, who had been in Dixon's + troop in the regiment, and had followed him into private life as coachman, + footman, and page. + </p> + <p> + One day lately I went into Dixon's house, hearing that some calamities had + befallen him, the particulars of which Miss Clapperclaw was desirous to + know. The creditors of the Tregulpho Mines had got a verdict against him + as one of the directors of that company; the engineer of the Little + Diddlesex Junction had sued him for two thousand three hundred pounds—the + charges of that scientific man for six weeks' labor in surveying the line. + His brother directors were to be discovered nowhere: Windham, Dodgin, + Mizzlington, and the rest, were all gone long ago. + </p> + <p> + When I entered, the door was open: there was a smell of smoke in the + dining-room, where a gentleman at noonday was seated with a pipe and a pot + of beer: a man in possession indeed, in that comfortable pretty parlor, by + that snug round table where I have so often seen Fanny Dixon's smiling + face. + </p> + <p> + Kirby, the ex-dragoon, was scowling at the fellow, who lay upon a little + settee reading the newspaper, with an evident desire to kill him. Mrs. + Kirby, his wife, held little Danby, poor Dixon's son and heir. Dixon's + portrait smiled over the sideboard still, and his wife was up stairs in an + agony of fear, with the poor little daughters of this bankrupt, broken + family. + </p> + <p> + This poor soul had actually come down and paid a visit to the man in + possession. She had sent wine and dinner to "the gentleman down stairs," + as she called him in her terror. She had tried to move his heart, by + representing to him how innocent Captain Dixon was, and how he had always + paid, and always remained at home when everybody else had fled. As if her + tears and simple tales and entreaties could move that man in possession + out of the house, or induce him to pay the costs of the action which her + husband had lost. + </p> + <p> + Danby meanwhile was at Boulogne, sickening after his wife and children. + They sold everything in his house—all his smart furniture and neat + little stock of plate; his wardrobe and his linen, "the property of a + gentleman gone abroad;" his carriage by the best maker; and his wine + selected without regard to expense. His house was shut up as completely as + his opposite neighbor's; and a new tenant is just having it fresh painted + inside and out, as if poor Dixon had left an infection behind. + </p> + <p> + Kirby and his wife went across the water with the children and Mrs. Fanny—she + has a small settlement; and I am bound to say that our mutual friend Miss + Elizabeth C. went down with Mrs. Dixon in the fly to the Tower Stairs, and + stopped in Lombard Street by the way. + </p> + <p> + So it is that the world wags: that honest men and knaves alike are always + having ups and downs of fortune, and that we are perpetually changing + tenants in Our Street. + </p> + <p> + THE LION OF THE STREET. + </p> + <p> + What people can find in Clarence Bulbul, who has lately taken upon himself + the rank and dignity of Lion of Our Street, I have always been at a loss + to conjecture. + </p> + <p> + "He has written an Eastern book of considerable merit," Miss Clapperclaw + says; but hang it, has not everybody written an Eastern book? I should + like to meet anybody in society now who has not been up to the second + cataract. An Eastern book forsooth! My Lord Castleroyal has done one—an + honest one; my Lord Youngent another—an amusing one; my Lord Woolsey + another—a pious one; there is "The Cutlet and the Cabob"—a + sentimental one; "Timbuctoothen"—a humorous one, all ludicrously + overrated, in my opinion: not including my own little book, of which a + copy or two is still to be had, by the way. + </p> + <p> + Well, then, Clarence Bulbul, because he has made part of the little tour + that all of us know, comes back and gives himself airs, forsooth, and + howls as if he were just out of the great Libyan desert. + </p> + <p> + When we go and see him, that Irish Jew courier, whom I have before had the + honor to describe, looks up from the novel which he is reading in the + ante-room, and says, "Mon maitre est au divan," or, "Monsieur trouvera + Monsieur dans son serail," and relapses into the Comte de Montecristo + again. + </p> + <p> + Yes, the impudent wretch has actually a room in his apartments on the + ground-floor of his mother's house, which he calls his harem. When Lady + Betty Bulbul (they are of the Nightingale family) or Miss Blanche comes + down to visit him, their slippers are placed at the door, and he receives + them on an ottoman, and these infatuated women will actually light his + pipe for him. + </p> + <p> + Little Spitfire, the groom, hangs about the drawing-room, outside the + harem forsooth! so that he may be ready when Clarence Bulbul claps hands + for him to bring the pipes and coffee. + </p> + <p> + He has coffee and pipes for everybody. I should like you to have seen the + face of old Bowly, his college-tutor, called upon to sit cross-legged on a + divan, a little cup of bitter black Mocha put into his hand, and a large + amber-muzzled pipe stuck into his mouth by Spitfire, before he could so + much as say it was a fine day. Bowly almost thought he had compromised his + principles by consenting so far to this Turkish manner. + </p> + <p> + Bulbul's dinners are, I own, very good; his pilaffs and curries excellent. + He tried to make us eat rice with our fingers, it is true; but he scalded + his own hands in the business, and invariably bedizened his shirt; so he + has left off the Turkish practice, for dinner at least, and uses a fork + like a Christian. + </p> + <p> + But it is in society that he is most remarkable; and here he would, I own, + be odious, but he becomes delightful, because all the men hate him so. A + perfect chorus of abuse is raised round about him. "Confounded impostor," + says one; "Impudent jackass," says another; "Miserable puppy," cries a + third; "I'd like to wring his neck," says Bruff, scowling over his + shoulder at him. Clarence meanwhile nods, winks, smiles, and patronizes + them all with the easiest good-humor. He is a fellow who would poke an + archbishop in the apron, or clap a duke on the shoulder, as coolly as he + would address you and me. + </p> + <p> + I saw him the other night at Mrs. Bumpsher's grand let-off. He flung + himself down cross-legged on a pink satin sofa, so that you could see Mrs. + Bumpsher quiver with rage in the distance, Bruff growl with fury from the + further room, and Miss Pim, on whose frock Bulbul's feet rested, look up + like a timid fawn. + </p> + <p> + "Fan me, Miss Pim," said he of the cushion. "You look like a perfect Peri + to-night. You remind me of a girl I once knew in Circassia—Ameena, + the sister of Schamyl Bey. Do you know, Miss Pim, that you would fetch + twenty thousand piastres in the market at Constantinople?" + </p> + <p> + "Law, Mr. Bulbul!" is all Miss Pim can ejaculate; and having talked over + Miss Pim, Clarence goes off to another houri, whom he fascinates in a + similar manner. He charmed Mrs. Waddy by telling her that she was the + exact figure of the Pasha of Egypt's second wife. He gave Miss Tokely a + piece of the sack in which Zuleika was drowned; and he actually persuaded + that poor little silly Miss Vain to turn Mahometan, and sent her up to the + Turkish ambassador's to look out for a mufti. + </p> + <p> + THE DOVE OF OUR STREET. + </p> + <p> + If Bulbul is our Lion, Young Oriel may be described as The Dove of our + colony. He is almost as great a pasha among the ladies as Bulbul. They + crowd in flocks to see him at Saint Waltheof's, where the immense height + of his forehead, the rigid asceticism of his surplice, the twang with + which he intones the service, and the namby-pamby mysticism of his + sermons, have turned all the dear girls' heads for some time past. While + we were having a rubber at Mrs. Chauntry's, whose daughters are following + the new mode, I heard the following talk (which made me revoke by the way) + going on, in what was formerly called the young ladies' room, but is now + styled the Oratory:— + </p> + <p> + THE ORATORY. MISS CHAUNTRY. MISS ISABEL CHAUNTRY. MISS DE L'AISLE. MISS + PYX. + </p> + <p> + REV. L. ORIEL. REV. O. SLOCUM—[In the further room.] + </p> + <p> + Miss Chauntry (sighing).—Is it wrong to be in the Guards, dear Mr. + Oriel? + </p> + <p> + Miss Pyx.—She will make Frank de Boots sell out when he marries. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Oriel.—To be in the Guards, dear sister? The church has always + encouraged the army. Saint Martin of Tours was in the army; Saint Louis + was in the army; Saint Waltheof, our patron, Saint Witikind of + Aldermanbury, Saint Wamba, and Saint Walloff were in the army. Saint + Wapshot was captain of the guard of Queen Boadicea; and Saint Werewolf was + a major in the Danish cavalry. The holy Saint Ignatius of Loyola carried a + pike, as we know; and— + </p> + <p> + Miss De l'Aisle.—Will you take some tea, dear Mr. Oriel? + </p> + <p> + Oriel.—This is not one of MY feast days, Sister Emma. It is the + feast of Saint Wagstatf of Walthamstow. + </p> + <p> + The Young Ladies.—And we must not even take tea? + </p> + <p> + Oriel.—Dear sisters, I said not so. YOU may do as you list; but I am + strong (with a heart-broken sigh); don't ply me (he reels). I took a + little water and a parched pea after matins. To-morrow is a flesh day, and—and + I shall be better then. + </p> + <p> + Rev. O. Slocum (from within).—Madam, I take your heart with my small + trump. + </p> + <p> + Oriel.—Yes, better! dear sister; it is only a passing—a—weakness. + </p> + <p> + Miss I. Chauntry.—He's dying of fever. + </p> + <p> + Miss Chauntry.—I'm so glad De Boots need not leave the Blues. + </p> + <p> + Miss Pyx.—He wears sackcloth and cinders inside his waistcoat. + </p> + <p> + Miss De l'Aisle.—He's told me to-night he's going to—to—Ro-o-ome. + [Miss De l'Aisle bursts into tears.] + </p> + <p> + Rev. O. Slocum.—My lord, I have the highest club, which gives the + trick and two by honors. + </p> + <p> + Thus, you see, we have a variety of clergymen in Our Street. Mr. Oriel is + of the pointed Gothic school, while old Slocum is of the good old tawny + port-wine school: and it must be confessed that Mr. Gronow, at Ebenezer, + has a hearty abhorrence for both. + </p> + <p> + As for Gronow, I pity him, if his future lot should fall where Mr. Oriel + supposes that it will. + </p> + <p> + And as for Oriel, he has not even the benefit of purgatory, which he would + accord to his neighbor Ebenezer; while old Slocum pronounces both to be a + couple of humbugs; and Mr. Mole, the demure little beetle-browed chaplain + of the little church of Avemary Lane, keeps his sly eyes down to the + ground when he passes any one of his black-coated brethren. + </p> + <p> + There is only one point on which, my friends, they seem agreed. Slocum + likes port, but who ever heard that he neglected his poor? Gronow, if he + comminates his neighbor's congregation, is the affectionate father of his + own. Oriel, if he loves pointed Gothic and parched peas for breakfast, has + a prodigious soup-kitchen for his poor; and as for little Father Mole, who + never lifts his eyes from the ground, ask our doctor at what bedsides he + finds him, and how he soothes poverty, and braves misery and infection. + </p> + <p> + THE BUMPSHERS. + </p> + <p> + No. 6, Pocklington Gardens, (the house with the quantity of flowers in the + windows, and the awning over the entrance,) George Bumpsher, Esquire, M.P. + for Humborough (and the Beanstalks, Kent). + </p> + <p> + For some time after this gorgeous family came into our quarter, I mistook + a bald-headed, stout person, whom I used to see looking through the + flowers on the upper windows, for Bumpsher himself, or for the butler of + the family; whereas it was no other than Mrs. Bumpsher, without her + chestnut wig, and who is at least three times the size of her husband. + </p> + <p> + The Bumpshers and the house of Mango at the Pineries vie together in their + desire to dominate over the neighborhood; and each votes the other a + vulgar and purse-proud family. The fact is, both are City people. + Bumpsher, in his mercantile capacity, is a wholesale stationer in Thames + Street; and his wife was the daughter of an eminent bill-broking firm, not + a thousand miles from Lombard Street. + </p> + <p> + He does not sport a coronet and supporters upon his London plate and + carriages; but his country-house is emblazoned all over with those + heraldic decorations. He puts on an order when he goes abroad, and is + Count Bumpsher of the Roman States—which title he purchased from the + late Pope (through Prince Polonia the banker) for a couple of thousand + scudi. + </p> + <p> + It is as good as a coronation to see him and Mrs. Bumpsher go to Court. I + wonder the carriage can hold them both. On those days Mrs. Bumpsher holds + her own drawing-room before her Majesty's; and we are invited to come and + see her sitting in state, upon the largest sofa in her rooms. She has need + of a stout one, I promise you. Her very feathers must weigh something + considerable. The diamonds on her stomacher would embroider a full-sized + carpet-bag. She has rubies, ribbons, cameos, emeralds, gold serpents, + opals, and Valenciennes lace, as if she were an immense sample out of + Howell and James's shop. + </p> + <p> + She took up with little Pinkney at Rome, where he made a charming picture + of her, representing her as about eighteen, with a cherub in her lap, who + has some liking to Bryanstone Bumpsher, her enormous, vulgar son; now a + cornet in the Blues, and anything but a cherub, as those would say who saw + him in his uniform jacket. + </p> + <p> + I remember Pinkney when he was painting the picture, Bryanstone being then + a youth in what they call a skeleton suit (as if such a pig of a child + could ever have been dressed in anything resembling a skeleton)—I + remember, I say, Mrs. B. sitting to Pinkney in a sort of Egerian costume, + her boy by her side, whose head the artist turned round and directed it + towards a piece of gingerbread, which he was to have at the end of the + sitting. + </p> + <p> + Pinkney, indeed, a painter!—a contemptible little humbug, a parasite + of the great! He has painted Mrs. Bumpsher younger every year for these + last ten years—and you see in the advertisements of all her parties + his odious little name stuck in at the end of the list. I'm sure, for my + part, I'd scorn to enter her doors, or be the toady of any woman. + </p> + <p> + JOLLY NEWBOY, ESQ., M.P. + </p> + <p> + How different it is with the Newboys, now, where I have an entree (having + indeed had the honor in former days to give lessons to both the ladies)—and + where such a quack as Pinkney would never be allowed to enter! A merrier + house the whole quarter cannot furnish. It is there you meet people of all + ranks and degrees, not only from our quarter, but from the rest of the + town. It is there that our great man, the Right Honorable Lord Comandine, + came up and spoke to me in so encouraging a manner that I hope to be + invited to one of his lordship's excellent dinners (of which I shall not + fail to give a very flattering description) before the season is over. It + is there you find yourself talking to statesmen, poets, and artists—not + sham poets like Bulbul, or quack artists like that Pinkney—but to + the best members of all society. It is there I made this sketch, while + Miss Chesterforth was singing a deep-toned tragic ballad, and her mother + scowling behind her. What a buzz and clack and chatter there was in the + room to be sure! When Miss Chesterforth sings, everybody begins to talk. + Hicks and old Fogy were on Ireland: Bass was roaring into old Pump's ears + (or into his horn rather) about the Navigation Laws; I was engaged talking + to the charming Mrs. Short; while Charley Bonham (a mere prig, in whom I + am surprised that the women can see anything,) was pouring out his fulsome + rhapsodies in the ears of Diana White. Lovely, lovely Diana White! were it + not for three or four other engagements, I know a heart that would suit + you to a T. + </p> + <p> + Newboy's I pronounce to be the jolliest house in the street. He has only + of late had a rush of prosperity, and turned Parliament man; for his + distant cousin, of the ancient house of Newboy of ——shire, + dying, Fred—then making believe to practise at the bar, and living + with the utmost modesty in Gray's Inn Road—found himself master of a + fortune, and a great house in the country; of which getting tired, as in + the course of nature he should, he came up to London, and took that fine + mansion in our Gardens. He represents Mumborough in Parliament, a seat + which has been time out of mind occupied by a Newboy. + </p> + <p> + Though he does not speak, being a great deal too rich, sensible, and lazy, + he somehow occupies himself with reading blue-books, and indeed talks a + great deal too much good sense of late over his dinner-table, where there + is always a cover for the present writer. + </p> + <p> + He falls asleep pretty assiduously too after that meal—a practice + which I can well pardon in him—for, between ourselves, his wife, + Maria Newboy, and his sister, Clarissa, are the loveliest and kindest of + their sex, and I would rather hear their innocent prattle, and lively talk + about their neighbors, than the best wisdom from the wisest man that ever + wore a beard. + </p> + <p> + Like a wise and good man, he leaves the question of his household entirely + to the women. They like going to the play. They like going to Greenwich. + They like coming to a party at Bachelor's hall. They are up to all sorts + of fun, in a word; in which taste the good-natured Newboy acquiesces, + provided he is left to follow his own. + </p> + <p> + It was only on the 17th of the month, that, having had the honor to dine + at the house, when, after dinner, which took place at eight, we left + Newboy to his blue-books, and went up stairs and sang a little to the + guitar afterwards—it was only on the 17th December, the night of + Lady Sowerby's party, that the following dialogue took place in the + boudoir, whither Newboy, blue-books in hand, had ascended. + </p> + <p> + He was curled up with his House of Commons boots on his wife's arm-chair, + reading his eternal blue-books, when Mrs. N. entered from her apartment, + dressed for the evening. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. N.—Frederick, won't you come? + </p> + <p> + Mr. N.—Where? + </p> + <p> + Mrs. N.—To Lady Sowerby's. + </p> + <p> + Mr. N.—I'd rather go to the Black Hole in Calcutta. Besides, this + Sanitary Report is really the most interesting—[he begins to read.] + </p> + <p> + Mrs. N.—(piqued)—Well, Mr. Titmarsh will go with us. + </p> + <p> + Mr. N.—Will he? I wish him joy. + </p> + <p> + At this juncture Miss Clarissa Newboy enters in a pink paletot, trimmed + with swansdown—looking like an angel—and we exchange glances + of—what shall I say?—of sympathy on both parts, and consummate + rapture on mine. But this is by-play. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. N.—Good night, Frederick. I think we shall be late. + </p> + <p> + Mr. N.—You won't wake me, I dare say; and you don't expect a public + man to sit up. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. N.—It's not you, it's the servants. Cocker sleeps very heavily. + The maids are best in bed, and are all ill with the influenza. I say, + Frederick dear, don't you think you had better give me YOUR CHUBB KEY? + </p> + <p> + This astonishing proposal, which violates every recognized law of society—this + demand which alters all the existing state of things—this fact of a + woman asking for a door-key, struck me with a terror which I cannot + describe, and impressed me with the fact of the vast progress of Our + Street. The door-key! What would our grandmothers, who dwelt in this place + when it was a rustic suburb, think of its condition now, when husbands + stay at home, and wives go abroad with the latchkey? + </p> + <p> + The evening at Lady Sowerby's was the most delicious we have spent for + long, long days. + </p> + <p> + Thus it will be seen that everybody of any consideration in Our Street + takes a line. Mrs. Minimy (34) takes the homoeopathic line, and has + soirees of doctors of that faith. Lady Pocklington takes the capitalist + line; and those stupid and splendid dinners of hers are devoured by + loan-contractors and railroad princes. Mrs. Trimmer (38) comes out in the + scientific line, and indulges us in rational evenings, where history is + the lightest subject admitted, and geology and the sanitary condition of + the metropolis form the general themes of conversation. Mrs. Brumby plays + finely on the bassoon, and has evenings dedicated to Sebastian Bach, and + enlivened with Handel. At Mrs. Maskleyn's they are mad for charades and + theatricals. + </p> + <p> + They performed last Christmas in a French piece, by Alexandre Dumas, I + believe—"La Duchesse de Montefiasco," of which I forget the plot, + but everybody was in love with everybody else's wife, except the hero, Don + Alonzo, who was ardently attached to the Duchess, who turned out to be his + grandmother. The piece was translated by Lord Fiddle-faddle, Tom Bulbul + being the Don Alonzo; and Mrs. Roland Calidore (who never misses an + opportunity of acting in a piece in which she can let down her hair) was + the Duchess. + </p> + <p> + ALONZO. + </p> + <p> + You know how well he loves you, and you wonder To see Alonzo suffer, + Cunegunda?—Ask if the chamois suffer when they feel Plunged in their + panting sides the hunter's steel? Or when the soaring heron or eagle + proud, Pierced by my shaft, comes tumbling from the cloud, Ask if the + royal birds no anguish know, The victims of Alonzo's twanging bow? Then + ask him if he suffers—him who dies, Pierced by the poisoned glance + that glitters from your eyes! [He staggers from the effect of the poison. + </p> + <p> + THE DUCHESS. + </p> + <p> + Alonzo loves—Alonzo loves! and whom? His grandmother! Oh, hide me, + gracious tomb! [Her Grace faints away. + </p> + <p> + Such acting as Tom Bulbul's I never saw. Tom lisps atrociously, and + uttered the passage, "You athk me if I thuffer," in the most absurd way. + Miss Clapperclaw says he acted pretty well, and that I only joke about him + because I am envious, and wanted to act a part myself.—I envious + indeed! + </p> + <p> + But of all the assemblies, feastings, junketings, dejeunes, soirees, + conversaziones, dinner-parties, in Our Street, I know of none pleasanter + than the banquets at Tom Fairfax's; one of which this enormous + provision-consumer gives seven times a week. He lives in one of the little + houses of the old Waddilove Street quarter, built long before Pocklington + Square and Pocklington Gardens and the Pocklington family itself had made + their appearance in this world. + </p> + <p> + Tom, though he has a small income, and lives in a small house, yet sits + down one of a party of twelve to dinner every day of his life; these + twelve consisting of Mrs. Fairfax, the nine Misses Fairfax, and Master + Thomas Fairfax—the son and heir to twopence halfpenny a year. + </p> + <p> + It is awkward just now to go and beg pot-luck from such a family as this; + because, though a guest is always welcome, we are thirteen at table—an + unlucky number, it is said. This evil is only temporary, and will be + remedied presently, when the family will be thirteen WITHOUT the + occasional guest, to judge from all appearances. + </p> + <p> + Early in the morning Mrs. Fairfax rises, and cuts bread and butter from + six o'clock till eight; during which time the nursery operations upon the + nine little graces are going on. If his wife has to rise early to cut the + bread and butter, I warrant Fairfax must be up betimes to earn it. He is a + clerk in a Government office; to which duty he trudges daily, refusing + even twopenny omnibuses. Every time he goes to the shoemaker's he has to + order eleven pairs of shoes, and so can't afford to spare his own. He + teaches the children Latin every morning, and is already thinking when Tom + shall be inducted into that language. He works in his garden for an hour + before breakfast. His work over by three o'clock, he tramps home at four, + and exchanges his dapper coat for his dressing-gown—a ragged but + honorable garment. + </p> + <p> + Which is the best, his old coat or Sir John's bran-new one? Which is the + most comfortable and becoming, Mrs. Fairfax's black velvet gown (which she + has worn at the Pocklington Square parties these twelve years, and in + which I protest she looks like a queen), or that new robe which the + milliner has just brought home to Mrs. Bumpsher's, and into which she will + squeeze herself on Christmas-day? + </p> + <p> + Miss Clapperclaw says that we are all so charmingly contented with + ourselves that not one of us would change with his neighbor; and so, rich + and poor, high and low, one person is about as happy as another in Our + Street. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0003" id="link2H_4_0003"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + DOCTOR BIRCH AND HIS YOUNG FRIENDS + </h2> + <h3> + by MR. M. A. TITMARSH + </h3> + <p> + THE DOCTOR AND HIS STAFF. + </p> + <p> + There is no need to say why I became assistant-master and professor of the + English and French languages, flower-painting, and the German flute, in + Doctor Birch's Academy, at Rodwell Regis. Good folks may depend on this, + that it was not for CHOICE that I left lodgings near London, and a genteel + society, for an under-master's desk in that old school. I promise you the + fare at the usher's table, the getting up at five o'clock in the morning, + the walking out with little boys in the fields, (who used to play me + tricks, and never could be got to respect my awful and responsible + character as teacher in the school,) Miss Birch's vulgar insolence, Jack + Birch's glum condescension, and the poor old Doctor's patronage, were not + matters in themselves pleasurable: and that that patronage and those + dinners were sometimes cruel hard to swallow. Never mind—my + connection with the place is over now, and I hope they have got a more + efficient under-master. + </p> + <p> + Jack Birch (Rev. J. Birch, of St. Neot's Hall, Oxford,) is partner with + his father the Doctor, and takes some of the classes. About his Greek I + can't say much; but I will construe him in Latin any day. A more + supercilious little prig, (giving himself airs, too, about his cousin, + Miss Raby, who lives with the Doctor,) a more empty, pompous little + coxcomb I never saw. His white neck-cloth looked as if it choked him. He + used to try and look over that starch upon me and Prince the assistant, as + if he were a couple of footmen. He didn't do much business in the school; + but occupied his time in writing sanctified letters to the boys' parents, + and in composing dreary sermons to preach to them. + </p> + <p> + The real master of the school is Prince; an Oxford man too: shy, haughty, + and learned; crammed with Greek and a quantity of useless learning; + uncommonly kind to the small boys; pitiless with the fools and the + braggarts; respected of all for his honesty, his learning, his bravery, + (for he hit out once in a boat-row in a way which astonished the boys and + the bargemen,) and for a latent power about him, which all saw and + confessed somehow. Jack Birch could never look him in the face. Old Miss + Z. dared not put off any of HER airs upon him. Miss Rosa made him the + lowest of curtsies. Miss Raby said she was afraid of him. Good old Prince! + we have sat many a night smoking in the Doctor's harness-room, whither we + retired when our boys were gone to bed, and our cares and canes put by. + </p> + <p> + After Jack Birch had taken his degree at Oxford—a process which he + effected with great difficulty—this place, which used to be called + "Birch's," "Dr. Birch's Academy," and what not, became suddenly + "Archbishop Wigsby's College of Rodwell Regis." They took down the old + blue board with the gold letters, which has been used to mend the pigsty + since. Birch had a large school-room run up in the Gothic taste, with + statuettes, and a little belfry, and a bust of Archbishop Wigsby in the + middle of the school. He put the six senior boys into caps and gowns, + which had rather a good effect as the lads sauntered down the street of + the town, but which certainly provoked the contempt and hostility of the + bargemen; and so great was his rage for academic costumes and ordinances, + that he would have put me myself into a lay gown, with red knots and + fringes, but that I flatly resisted, and said that a writing-master had no + business with such paraphernalia. + </p> + <p> + By the way, I have forgotten to mention the Doctor himself. And what shall + I say of him? Well, he has a very crisp gown and bands, a solemn aspect, a + tremendous loud voice, and a grand air with the boys' parents; whom he + receives in a study covered round with the best-bound books, which imposes + upon many—upon the women especially—and makes them fancy that + this is a Doctor indeed. But law bless you! He never reads the books, or + opens one of them; except that in which he keeps his bands—a + Dugdale's "Monasticon," which looks like a book, but is in reality a + cupboard, where he has his port, almond-cakes, and decanter of wine. He + gets up his classics with translations, or what the boys call cribs; they + pass wicked tricks upon him when he hears the forms. The elder wags go to + his study and ask him to help them in hard bits of Herodotus or + Thucydides: he says he will look over the passage, and flies for refuge to + Mr. Prince, or to the crib. + </p> + <p> + He keeps the flogging department in his own hands; finding that his son + was too savage. He has awful brows and a big voice. But his roar frightens + nobody. It is only a lion's skin; or, so to say, a muff. + </p> + <p> + Little Mordant made a picture of him with large ears, like a well-known + domestic animal, and had his own justly boxed for the caricature. The + Doctor discovered him in the fact, and was in a flaming rage, and + threatened whipping at first; but in the course of the day an opportune + basket of game arriving from Mordant's father, the Doctor became + mollified, and has burnt the picture with the ears. However, I have one + wafered up in my desk by the hand of the same little rascal. + </p> + <p> + THE COCK OF THE SCHOOL. + </p> + <p> + I am growing an old fellow, and have seen many great folks in the course + of my travels and time: Louis Philippe coming out of the Tuileries; his + Majesty the King of Prussia and the Reichsverweser accolading each other + at Cologne at my elbow; Admiral Sir Charles Napier (in an omnibus once), + the Duke of Wellington, the immortal Goethe at Weimar, the late benevolent + Pope Gregory XVI., and a score more of the famous in this world—the + whom whenever one looks at, one has a mild shock of awe and tremor. I like + this feeling and decent fear and trembling with which a modest spirit + salutes a GREAT MAN. + </p> + <p> + Well, I have seen generals capering on horseback at the head of their + crimson battalions; bishops sailing down cathedral aisles, with downcast + eyes, pressing their trencher caps to their hearts with their fat white + hands; college heads when her Majesty is on a visit; the doctor in all his + glory at the head of his school on speech-day: a great sight and all great + men these. I have never met the late Mr. Thomas Cribb, but I have no doubt + should have regarded him with the same feeling of awe with which I look + every day at George Champion, the Cock of Dr. Birch's school. + </p> + <p> + When, I say, I reflect as I go up and set him a sum, that he could whop me + in two minutes, double up Prince and the other assistant, and pitch the + Doctor out of window, I can't but think how great, how generous, how + magnanimous a creature this is, that sits quite quiet and good-natured, + and works his equation, and ponders through his Greek play. He might take + the school-room pillars and pull the house down if he liked. He might + close the door, and demolish every one of us, like Antar the lover or + Ibla; but he lets us live. He never thrashes anybody without a cause; when + woe betide the tyrant or the sneak! + </p> + <p> + I think that to be strong, and able to whop everybody—(not to do it, + mind you, but to feel that you were able to do it,)—would be the + greatest of all gifts. There is a serene good humor which plays about + George Champion's broad face, which shows the consciousness of this power, + and lights up his honest blue eyes with a magnanimous calm. + </p> + <p> + He is invictus. Even when a cub there was no beating this lion. Six years + ago the undaunted little warrior actually stood up to Frank Davison,—(the + Indian officer now—poor little Charley's brother, whom Miss Raby + nursed so affectionately,)—then seventeen years old, and the Cock of + Birch's. They were obliged to drag off the boy, and Frank, with admiration + and regard for him, prophesied the great things he would do. Legends of + combats are preserved fondly in schools; they have stories of such at + Rodwell Regis, performed in the old Doctor's time, forty years ago. + </p> + <p> + Champion's affair with the Young Tutbury Pet, who was down here in + training,—with Black the bargeman,—with the three head boys of + Doctor Wapshot's academy, whom he caught maltreating an outlying day-boy + of ours, &c.,—are known to all the Rodwell Regis men. He was + always victorious. He is modest and kind, like all great men. He has a + good, brave, honest understanding. He cannot make verses like young + Pinder, or read Greek like Wells the Prefect, who is a perfect young abyss + of learning, and knows enough, Prince says, to furnish any six first-class + men; but he does his work in a sound downright way, and he is made to be + the bravest of soldiers, the best of country parsons, an honest English + gentleman wherever he may go. + </p> + <p> + Old Champion's chief friend and attendant is Young Jack Hall, whom he + saved, when drowning, out of the Miller's Pool. The attachment of the two + is curious to witness. The smaller lad gambolling, playing tricks round + the bigger one, and perpetually making fun of his protector. They are + never far apart, and of holidays you may meet them miles away from the + school,—George sauntering heavily down the lanes with his big stick, + and little Jack larking with the pretty girls in the cottage-windows. + </p> + <p> + George has a boat on the river, in which, however, he commonly lies + smoking, whilst Jack sculls him. He does not play at cricket, except when + the school plays the county, or at Lord's in the holidays. The boys can't + stand his bowling, and when he hits, it is like trying to catch a + cannon-ball. I have seen him at tennis. It is a splendid sight to behold + the young fellow bounding over the court with streaming yellow hair, like + young Apollo in a flannel jacket. + </p> + <p> + The other head boys are Lawrence the captain, Bunce, famous chiefly for + his magnificent appetite, and Pitman, surnamed Roscius, for his love of + the drama. Add to these Swanky, called Macassar, from his partiality to + that condiment, and who has varnished boots, wears white gloves on + Sundays, and looks out for Miss Pinkerton's school (transferred from + Chiswick to Rodwell Regis, and conducted by the nieces of the late Miss + Barbara Pinkerton, the friend of our great lexicographer, upon the + principles approved by him, and practised by that admirable woman,) as it + passes into church. + </p> + <p> + Representations have been made concerning Mr. Horace Swanky's behavior; + rumors have been uttered about notes in verse, conveyed in three-cornered + puffs, by Mrs. Ruggles, who serves Miss Pinkerton's young ladies on + Fridays,—and how Miss Didow, to whom the tart and enclosure were + addressed, tried to make away with herself by swallowing a ball of cotton. + But I pass over these absurd reports, as likely to affect the reputation + of an admirable seminary conducted by irreproachable females. As they go + into church Miss P. driving in her flock of lambkins with the crook of her + parasol, how can it be helped if her forces and ours sometimes collide, as + the boys are on their way up to the organ-loft? And I don't believe a word + about the three-cornered puff, but rather that it was the invention of + that jealous Miss Birch, who is jealous of Miss Raby, jealous of everybody + who is good and handsome, and who has HER OWN ENDS in view, or I am very + much in error. + </p> + <p> + THE DEAR BROTHERS. A MELODRAMA IN SEVERAL ROUNDS. THE DOCTOR. + </p> + <p> + MR. TIPPER, Uncle to the Masters Boxall. + </p> + <p> + BOXALL MAJOR, BOXALL MINOR, BROWN, JONES, SMITH, ROBINSON, TIFFIN MINIMUS. + </p> + <p> + B. Go it, old Boxall! + </p> + <p> + J. Give it him, young Boxall! + </p> + <p> + R. Pitch into him, old Boxall! + </p> + <p> + S. Two to one on young Boxall! + </p> + <p> + [Enter TIFFIN MINIMUS, running. + </p> + <p> + Tiffin Minimus.—Boxalls! you're wanted. (The Doctor to Mr. Tipper.)—Every + boy in the school loves them, my dear sir; your nephews are a credit to my + establishment. They are orderly, well-conducted, gentlemanlike boys. Let + us enter and find them at their studies. + </p> + <p> + [Enter The DOCTOR and Mr. TIPPER. + </p> + <p> + GRAND TABLEAU. THE LITTLE SCHOOL-ROOM. + </p> + <p> + What they call the little school-room is a small room at the other end of + the great school; through which you go to the Doctor's private house, and + where Miss Raby sits with her pupils. She has a half-dozen very small ones + over whom she presides and teaches them in her simple way, until they are + big or learned enough to face the great school-room. Many of them are in a + hurry for promotion, the graceless little simpletons, and know no more + than their elders when they are well off. + </p> + <p> + She keeps the accounts, writes out the bills, superintends the linen, and + sews on the general shirt-buttons. Think of having such a woman at home to + sew on one's shirt-buttons! But peace, peace, thou foolish heart! + </p> + <p> + Miss Raby is the Doctor's niece. Her mother was a beauty (quite unlike old + Zoe therefore); and she married a pupil in the old Doctor's time who was + killed afterwards, a captain in the East India service, at the siege of + Bhurtpore. Hence a number of Indian children come to the Doctor's; for + Raby was very much liked, and the uncle's kind reception of the orphan has + been a good speculation for the school-keeper. + </p> + <p> + It is wonderful how brightly and gayly that little quick creature does her + duty. She is the first to rise, and the last to sleep, if any business is + to be done. She sees the other two women go off to parties in the town + without even so much as wishing to join them. It is Cinderella, only + contented to stay at home—content to bear Zoe's scorn and to admit + Rosa's superior charms,—and to do her utmost to repay her uncle for + his great kindness in housing her. + </p> + <p> + So you see she works as much as three maid-servants for the wages of one. + She is as thankful when the Doctor gives her a new gown, as if he had + presented her with a fortune; laughs at his stories most good-humoredly, + listens to Zoe's scolding most meekly, admires Rosa with all her heart, + and only goes out of the way when Jack Birch shows his sallow face: for + she can't bear him, and always finds work when he comes near. + </p> + <p> + How different she is when some folks approach her! I won't be + presumptuous; but I think, I think, I have made a not unfavorable + impression in some quarters. However, let us be mum on this subject. I + like to see her, because she always looks good-humored; because she is + always kind, because she is always modest, because she is fond of those + poor little brats,—orphans some of them—because she is rather + pretty, I dare say, or because I think so, which comes to the same thing. + </p> + <p> + Though she is kind to all, it must be owned she shows the most gross + favoritism towards the amiable children. She brings them cakes from + dessert, and regales them with Zoe's preserves; spends many of her little + shillings in presents for her favorites, and will tell them stories by the + hour. She has one very sad story about a little boy, who died long ago: + the younger children are never weary of hearing about him; and Miss Raby + has shown to one of them a lock of the little chap's hair, which she keeps + in her work-box to this day. + </p> + <p> + A HOPELESS CASE. + </p> + <p> + Let us, people who are so uncommonly clever and learned, have a great + tenderness and pity for the poor folks who are not endowed with the + prodigious talents which we have. I have always had a regard for dunces;—those + of my own school-days were amongst the pleasantest of the fellows, and + have turned out by no means the dullest in life; whereas many a youth who + could turn off Latin hexameters by the yard, and construe Greek quite + glibly, is no better than a feeble prig now, with not a pennyworth more + brains than were in his head before his beard grew. + </p> + <p> + Those poor dunces! Talk of being the last man, ah! what a pang it must be + to be the last boy—huge, misshapen, fourteen years of age, and + "taken up" by a chap who is but six years old, and can't speak quite plain + yet! + </p> + <p> + Master Hulker is in that condition at Birch's. He is the most honest, + kind, active, plucky, generous creature. He can do many things better than + most boys. He can go up a tree, pump, play at cricket, dive and swim + perfectly—he can eat twice as much as almost any lady (as Miss Birch + well knows), he has a pretty talent at carving figures with his + hack-knife, he makes and paints little coaches, he can take a watch to + pieces and put it together again. He can do everything but learn his + lesson; and then he sticks at the bottom of the school hopeless. As the + little boys are drafted in from Miss Raby's class, (it is true she is one + of the best instructresses in the world,) they enter and hop over poor + Hulker. He would be handed over to the governess, only he is too big. + Sometimes, I used to think that this desperate stupidity was a stratagem + of the poor rascal's, and that he shammed dulness, so that he might be + degraded into Miss Raby's class—if she would teach ME, I know, + before George, I would put on a pinafore and a little jacket—but no, + it is a natural incapacity for the Latin Grammar. + </p> + <p> + If you could see his grammar, it is a perfect curiosity of dog's ears. The + leaves and cover are all curled and ragged. Many of the pages are worn + away with the rubbing of his elbows as he sits poring over the hopeless + volume, with the blows of his fists as he thumps it madly, or with the + poor fellow's tears. You see him wiping them away with the back of his + hand, as he tries and tries, and can't do it. + </p> + <p> + When I think of that Latin Grammar, and that infernal As in praesenti, and + of other things which I was made to learn in my youth; upon my conscience, + I am surprised that we ever survived it. When one thinks of the boys who + have been caned because they could not master that intolerable jargon! + Good Lord, what a pitiful chorus these poor little creatures send up! Be + gentle with them, ye schoolmasters, and only whop those who WON'T learn. + </p> + <p> + The Doctor has operated upon Hulker (between ourselves), but the boy was + so little affected you would have thought he had taken chloroform. Birch + is weary of whipping now, and leaves the boy to go his own gait. Prince, + when he hears the lesson, and who cannot help making fun of a fool, adopts + the sarcastic manner with Master Hulker, and says, "Mr. Hulker, may I take + the liberty to inquire if your brilliant intellect has enabled you to + perceive the difference between those words which grammarians have defined + as substantive and adjective nouns?—if not, perhaps Mr. Ferdinand + Timmins will instruct you." And Timmins hops over Hulker's head. + </p> + <p> + I wish Prince would leave off girding at the poor lad. He is a boy, and + his mother is a widow woman, who loves him with all her might. There is a + famous sneer about the suckling of fools and the chronicling of small + beer; but remember it was a rascal who uttered it. + </p> + <p> + A WORD ABOUT MISS BIRCH. + </p> + <p> + "The gentlemen, and especially the younger and more tender of these + pupils, will have the advantage of the constant superintendence and + affectionate care of Miss Zoe Birch, sister of the principal: whose + clearest aim will be to supply (as far as may be) the absent maternal + friend."—Prospectus of Rodwell Regis School. + </p> + <p> + This is all very well in the Doctor's prospectus, and Miss Zoe Birch—(a + pretty blossom it is, fifty-five years old, during two score of which she + has dosed herself with pills; with a nose as red and a face as sour as a + crab-apple)—this is all mighty well in a prospectus. But I should + like to know who would take Miss Zoe for a mother, or would have her for + one? + </p> + <p> + The only persons in the house who are not afraid of her are Miss Rosa and + I—no, I am afraid of her, though I DO know the story about the + French usher in 1830—but all the rest tremble before the woman, from + the Doctor down to poor Francis the knife-boy, whom she bullies into his + miserable blacking-hole. + </p> + <p> + The Doctor is a pompous and outwardly severe man—but inwardly weak + and easy; loving a joke and a glass of port-wine. I get on with him, + therefore, much better than Mr. Prince, who scorns him for an ass, and + under whose keen eyes the worthy Doctor writhes like a convicted impostor; + and many a sunshiny afternoon would he have said, "Mr. T., sir, shall we + try another glass of that yellow sealed wine which you seem to like?" (and + which he likes even better than I do,) had not the old harridan of a Zoe + been down upon us, and insisted on turning me out with her abominable weak + coffee. She a mother indeed! A sour-milk generation she would have nursed. + She is always croaking, scolding, bullying—yowling at the + housemaids, snarling at Miss Raby, bowwowing after the little boys, + barking after the big ones. She knows how much every boy eats to an ounce; + and her delight is to ply with fat the little ones who can't bear it, and + with raw meat those who hate underdone. It was she who caused the Doctor + to be eaten out three times; and nearly created a rebellion in the school + because she insisted on his flogging Goliath Longman. + </p> + <p> + The only time that woman is happy is when she comes in of a morning to the + little boys' dormitories with a cup of hot Epsom salts, and a sippet of + bread. Boo!—the very notion makes me quiver. She stands over them. I + saw her do it to young Byles only a few days since; and her presence makes + the abomination doubly abominable. + </p> + <p> + As for attending them in real illness, do you suppose that she would watch + a single night for any one of them? Not she. When poor little Charley + Davison (that child a lock of whose soft hair I have said how Miss Raby + still keeps) lay ill of scarlet fever in the holidays—for the + Colonel, the father of these boys, was in India—it was Anne Raby who + tended the child, who watched him all through the fever, who never left + him while it lasted, or until she had closed the little eyes that were + never to brighten or moisten more. Anny watched and deplored him; but it + was Miss Birch who wrote the letter announcing his demise, and got the + gold chain and locket which the Colonel ordered as a memento of his + gratitude. It was through a row with Miss Birch that Frank Davison ran + away. I promise you that after he joined his regiment in India, the + Ahmednuggur Irregulars, which his gallant father commands, there came over + no more annual shawls and presents to Dr. and Miss Birch; and that if she + fancied the Colonel was coming home to marry her (on account of her + tenderness to his motherless children, which he was always writing about), + THAT notion was very soon given up. But these affairs are of early date, + seven years back, and I only heard of them in a very confused manner from + Miss Raby, who was a girl, and had just come to Rodwell Regis. She is + always very much moved when she speaks about those boys; which is but + seldom. I take it the death of the little one still grieves her tender + heart. + </p> + <p> + Yes, it is Miss Birch, who has turned away seventeen ushers and + second-masters in eleven years, and half as many French masters, I + suppose, since the departure of her FAVORITE, M. Grinche, with her gold + watch, &c.; but this is only surmise—that is, from hearsay, and + from Miss Rosa taunting her aunt, as she does sometimes, in her graceful + way: but besides this, I have another way of keeping her in order. + </p> + <p> + Whenever she is particularly odious or insolent to Miss Raby, I have but + to introduce raspberry jam into the conversation, and the woman holds her + tongue. She will understand me. I need not say more. + </p> + <p> + NOTE, 12th December. I MAY speak now. I have left the place and don't + mind. I say then at once, and without caring twopence for the + consequences, that I saw this woman, this MOTHER of the boys, EATING JAM + WITH A SPOON OUT OF MASTER WIGGINS'S TRUNK IN THE BOX-ROOM: and of this I + am ready to take an affidavit any day. + </p> + <p> + A TRAGEDY. THE DRAMA OUGHT TO BE REPRESENTED IN ABOUT SIX ACTS. + </p> + <p> + [The school is hushed. LAWRENCE the Prefect, and Custos of the rods, is + marching after the DOCTOR into the operating-room. MASTER BACKHOUSE is + about to follow.] + </p> + <p> + Master Backhouse.—It's all very well, but you see if I don't pay you + out after school—you sneak you! + </p> + <p> + Master Lurcher.—If you do I'll tell again. [Exit BACKHOUSE. + </p> + <p> + [The rod is heard from the adjoining apartment. Hwish—hwish—hwish—hwish—hwish—hwish—hwish! + [Re-enter BACKHOUSE. + </p> + <p> + BRIGGS IN LUCK. + </p> + <p> + Enter the Knife-boy.—Hamper for Briggses! Master Brown.—Hurray, + Tom Briggs! I'll lend you my knife. + </p> + <p> + If this story does not carry its own moral, what fable does, I wonder? + Before the arrival of that hamper, Master Briggs was in no better repute + than any other young gentleman of the lower school; and in fact I had + occasion myself, only lately, to correct Master Brown for kicking his + friend's shins during the writing-lesson. But how this basket, directed by + his mother's housekeeper and marked "Glass with care," (whence I conclude + that it contains some jam and some bottles of wine, probably, as well as + the usual cake and game-pie, and half a sovereign for the elder Master B., + and five new shillings for Master Decimus Briggs)—how, I say, the + arrival of this basket alters all Master Briggs's circumstances in life, + and the estimation in which many persons regard him! + </p> + <p> + If he is a good-hearted boy, as I have reason to think, the very first + thing he will do, before inspecting the contents of the hamper, or cutting + into them with the knife which Master Brown has so considerately lent him, + will be to read over the letter from home which lies on the top of the + parcel. He does so, as I remark to Miss Raby (for whom I happened to be + mending pens when the little circumstance arose), with a flushed face and + winking eyes. Look how the other boys are peering into the basket as he + reads.—I say to her, "Isn't it a pretty picture?" Part of the letter + is in a very large hand. This is from his little sister. And I would wager + that she netted the little purse which he has just taken out of it, and + which Master Lynx is eying. + </p> + <p> + "You are a droll man, and remark all sorts of queer things," Miss Raby + says, smiling, and plying her swift needle and fingers as quick as + possible. + </p> + <p> + "I am glad we are both on the spot, and that the little fellow lies under + our guns as it were, and so is protected from some such brutal + school-pirate as young Duval for instance, who would rob him, probably, of + some of those good things; good in themselves, and better because fresh + from home. See, there is a pie as I said, and which I dare say is better + than those which are served at our table (but you never take any notice of + such kind of things, Miss Raby), a cake of course, a bottle of + currant-wine, jam-pots, and no end of pears in the straw. With their money + little Briggs will be able to pay the tick which that imprudent child has + run up with Mrs. Ruggles; and I shall let Briggs Major pay for the + pencil-case which Bullock sold to him.—It will be a lesson to the + young prodigal for the future. But, I say, what a change there will be in + his life for some time to come, and at least until his present wealth is + spent! The boys who bully him will mollify towards him, and accept his pie + and sweetmeats. They will have feasts in the bedroom; and that wine will + taste more delicious to them than the best out of the Doctor's cellar. The + cronies will be invited. Young Master Wagg will tell his most dreadful + story and sing his best song for a slice of that pie. What a jolly night + they will have! When we go the rounds at night, Mr. Prince and I will take + care to make a noise before we come to Briggs's room, so that the boys may + have time to put the light out, to push the things away, and to scud into + bed. Doctor Spry may be put in requisition the next morning." + </p> + <p> + "Nonsense! you absurd creature," cries out Miss Raby, laughing; and I lay + down the twelfth pen very nicely mended. + </p> + <p> + "Yes; after luxury comes the doctor, I say; after extravagance a hole in + the breeches pocket. To judge from his disposition, Briggs Major will not + be much better off a couple of days hence than he is now; and, if I am not + mistaken, will end life a poor man. Brown will be kicking his shins before + a week is over, depend upon it. There are boys and men of all sorts, Miss + R.—There are selfish sneaks who hoard until the store they daren't + use grows mouldy—there are spendthrifts who fling away, parasites + who flatter and lick its shoes, and snarling curs who hate and envy, good + fortune." + </p> + <p> + I put down the last of the pens, brushing away with it the quill-chips + from her desk first, and she looked at me with a kind, wondering face. I + brushed them away, clicked the penknife into my pocket, made her a bow, + and walked off—for the bell was ringing for school. + </p> + <p> + A YOUNG FELLOW WHO IS PRETTY SURE TO SUCCEED. + </p> + <p> + If Master Briggs is destined in all probability to be a poor man, the + chances are that Mr. Bullock will have a very different lot, he is a son + of a partner of the eminent banking firm of Bullock and Hulker, Lombard + street, and very high in the upper school—quite out of my + jurisdiction, consequently. + </p> + <p> + He writes the most beautiful current-hand ever seen; and the way in which + he mastered arithmetic (going away into recondite and wonderful rules in + the Tutor's Assistant, which some masters even dare not approach,) is + described by the Doctor in terms of admiration. He is Mr. Prince's best + algebra pupil; and a very fair classic, too; doing everything well for + which he has a mind. + </p> + <p> + He does not busy himself with the sports of his comrades, and holds a + cricket-bat no better than Miss Raby would. He employs the play-hours in + improving his mind, and reading the newspaper; he is a profound + politician, and, it must be owned, on the liberal side. The elder boys + despise him rather; and when champion Major passes, he turns his head, and + looks down. I don't like the expression of Bullock's narrow green eyes, as + they follow the elder Champion, who does not seem to know or care how much + the other hates him. + </p> + <p> + No. Mr. Bullock, though perhaps the cleverest and most accomplished boy in + the school, associates with the quite little boys when he is minded for + society. To these he is quite affable, courteous, and winning. He never + fagged or thrashed one of them. He has done the verses and corrected the + exercises of many, and many is the little lad to whom he has lent a little + money. + </p> + <p> + It is true he charges at the rate of a penny a week for every sixpence + lent out; but many a fellow to whom tarts are a present necessity is happy + to pay this interest for the loan. These transactions are kept secret. Mr. + Bullock, in rather a whining tone, when he takes Master Green aside and + does the requisite business for him, says, "You know you'll go and talk + about it everywhere. I don't want to lend you the money, I want to buy + something with it. It's only to oblige you; and yet I am sure you will go + and make fun of me." Whereon, of course, Green, eager for the money, vows + solemnly that the transaction shall be confidential, and only speaks when + the payment of the interest becomes oppressive. + </p> + <p> + Thus it is that Mr. Bullock's practices are at all known. At a very early + period, indeed, his commercial genius manifested itself: and by happy + speculations in toffey; by composing a sweet drink made of stick-liquorice + and brown sugar, and selling it at a profit to the younger children; by + purchasing a series of novels, which he let out at an adequate + remuneration; by doing boys' exercises for a penny, and other processes, + he showed the bent of his mind. At the end of the half-year he always went + home richer than when he arrived at school, with his purse full of money. + </p> + <p> + Nobody knows how much he brought: but the accounts are fabulous. Twenty, + thirty, fifty—it is impossible to say how many sovereigns. When + joked about his money, he turns pale and swears he has not a shilling: + whereas he has had a banker's account ever since he was thirteen. + </p> + <p> + At the present moment he is employed in negotiating the sale of a knife + with Master Green, and is pointing out to the latter the beauty of the six + blades, and that he need not pay until after the holidays. + </p> + <p> + Champion Major has sworn that he will break every bone in his skin the + next time that he cheats a little boy, and is bearing down upon him. Let + us come away. It is frightful to see that big peaceful clever coward + moaning under well-deserved blows and whining for mercy. + </p> + <p> + DUVAL THE PIRATE. + </p> + <p> + JONES MINIMUS passes, laden with tarts. + </p> + <p> + Duval.—Hullo! you small boy with the tarts! Come here, sir. Jones + Minimus.—Please, Duval, they ain't mine. Duval.—Oh, you + abominable young story-teller. [He confiscates the goods. + </p> + <p> + I think I like young Duval's mode of levying contributions better than + Bullock's. The former's, at least, has the merit of more candor. Duval is + the pirate of Birch's, and lies in wait for small boys laden with money or + provender. He scents plunder from afar off: and pounces out on it. Woe + betide the little fellow when Duval boards him! + </p> + <p> + There was a youth here whose money I used to keep, as he was of an + extravagant and weak taste; and I doled it out to him in weekly shillings, + sufficient for the purchase of the necessary tarts. This boy came to me + one day for half a sovereign, for a very particular purpose, he said. I + afterwards found he wanted to lend the money to Duval. + </p> + <p> + The young ogre burst out laughing, when in a great wrath and fury I + ordered him to refund to the little boy: and proposed a bill of exchange + at three months. It is true Duval's father does not pay the Doctor, and + the lad never has a shilling, save that which he levies; and though he is + always bragging about the splendor of Freenystown, Co. Cork, and the + fox-hounds his father keeps, and the claret they drink there—there + comes no remittance from Castle Freeny in these bad times to the honest + Doctor; who is a kindly man enough, and never yet turned an insolvent boy + out of doors. + </p> + <p> + THE DORMITORIES. MASTER HEWLETT AND MASTER NIGHTINGALE + </p> + <p> + (Rather a cold winter night.) + </p> + <p> + Hewlett (flinging a shoe at Master Nightingale's bed, with which he hits + that young gentleman).—Hullo, you! Get up and bring me that shoe! + </p> + <p> + Nightingale.—Yes, Hewlett. (He gets up.) + </p> + <p> + Hewlett.—Don't drop it, and be very careful of it, sir. + </p> + <p> + Nightingale.—Yes, Hewlett. + </p> + <p> + Hewlett.—Silence in the dormitory! Any boy who opens his mouth, I'll + murder him. Now, sir, are not you the boy what can sing? + </p> + <p> + Nightingale.—Yes, Hewlett. + </p> + <p> + Hewlett.—Chant, then, till I go to sleep, and if I wake when you + stop, you'll have this at your head. + </p> + <p> + [Master HEWLETT lays his Bluchers on the bed, ready to shy at Master + Nightingale's head in the case contemplated.] + </p> + <p> + Nightingale (timidly).—Please, Hewlett? + </p> + <p> + Hewlett.—Well, sir? + </p> + <p> + Nightingale.—May I put on my trousers, please? + </p> + <p> + Hewlett.—No, sir. Go on, or I'll— + </p> + <p> + Nightingale.— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Through pleasures and palaces + + Though we may roam, + + Be it ever so humble + + There's no place like home." +</pre> + <p> + A CAPTURE AND A RESCUE. + </p> + <p> + My young friend, Patrick Champion, George's younger brother, is a late + arrival among us; has much of the family quality and good nature; is not + in the least a tyrant to the small boys, but is as eager as Amadis to + fight. He is boxing his way up the school, emulating his great brother. He + fixes his eye on a boy above him in strength or size, and you hear somehow + that a difference has arisen between them at football, and they have their + coats off presently. He has thrashed himself over the heads of many youths + in this manner: for instance, if Champion can lick Dobson, who can thrash + Hobson, how much more, then, can he thrash Hobson? Thus he works up and + establishes his position in the school. Nor does Mr. Prince think it + advisable that we ushers should walk much in the way when these little + differences are being settled, unless there is some gross disparity, or + danger is apprehended. + </p> + <p> + For instance, I own to having seen this row as I was shaving at my bedroom + window. I did not hasten down to prevent its consequences. Fogle had + confiscated a top, the property of Snivins; the which, as the little + wretch was always pegging it at my toes, I did not regret. Snivins + whimpered; and young Champion came up, lusting for battle. Directly he + made out Fogle, he steered for him, pulling up his coat-sleeves, and + clearing for action. + </p> + <p> + "Who spoke to YOU, young Champion?" Fogle said, and he flung down the top + to Master Snivins. I knew there would be no fight; and perhaps Champion, + too, was disappointed. + </p> + <p> + THE GARDEN, WHERE THE PARLOR-BOARDERS GO. + </p> + <p> + Noblemen have been rather scarce at Birch's—but the heir of a great + Prince has been living with the Doctor for some years.—He is Lord + George Gaunt's eldest son, the noble Plantagenet Gaunt Gaunt, and nephew + of the Most Honorable the Marquis of Steyne. + </p> + <p> + They are very proud of him at the Doctor's—and the two Misses and + Papa, whenever a stranger comes down whom they want to dazzle, are pretty + sure to bring Lord Steyne into the conversation, mention the last party at + Gaunt House, and cursorily to remark that they have with them a young + friend who will be, in all human probability, Marquis of Steyne and Earl + of Gaunt, &c. + </p> + <p> + Plantagenet does not care much about these future honors: provided he can + get some brown sugar on his bread-and-butter, or sit with three chairs and + play at coach-and-horses quite quietly by himself, he is tolerably happy. + He saunters in and out of school when he likes, and looks at the masters + and other boys with a listless grin. He used to be taken to church, but he + laughed and talked in odd places, so they are forced to leave him at home + now. He will sit with a bit of string and play cat's-cradle for many + hours. He likes to go and join the very small children at their games. + Some are frightened at him; but they soon cease to fear, and order him + about. I have seen him go and fetch tarts from Mrs. Ruggles for a boy of + eight years old; and cry bitterly if he did not get a piece. He cannot + speak quite plain, but very nearly; and is not more, I suppose, than + three-and-twenty. + </p> + <p> + Of course at home they know his age, though they never come and see him. + But they forget that Miss Rosa Birch is no longer a young chit as she was + ten years ago, when Gaunt was brought to the school. On the contrary, she + has had no small experience in the tender passion, and is at this moment + smitten with a disinterested affection for Plantagenet Gaunt. + </p> + <p> + Next to a little doll with a burnt nose, which he hides away in cunning + places, Mr. Gaunt is very fond of Miss Rosa too. What a pretty match it + would make! and how pleased they would be at Gaunt House, if the grandson + and heir of the great Marquis of Steyne, the descendant of a hundred + Gaunts and Tudors, should marry Miss Birch, the schoolmaster's daughter! + It is true she has the sense on her side, and poor Plantagenet is only an + idiot: but there he is, a zany, with such expectations and such a + pedigree! + </p> + <p> + If Miss Rosa would run away with Mr. Gaunt, she would leave off bullying + her cousin, Miss Anny Raby. Shall I put her up to the notion, and offer to + lend her the money to run away? Mr. Gaunt is not allowed money. He had + some once, but Bullock took him into a corner, and got it from him. He has + a moderate tick opened at a tart-woman's. He stops at Rodwell Regis + through the year: school-time and holiday-time, it is all the same to him. + Nobody asks about him, or thinks about him, save twice a year, when the + Doctor goes to Gaunt House, and gets the amount of his bills, and a glass + of wine in the steward's room. + </p> + <p> + And yet you see somehow that he is a gentleman. His manner is different to + that of the owners of that coarse table and parlor at which he is a + boarder (I do not speak of Miss R. of course, for HER manners are as good + as those of a duchess). When he caught Miss Rosa boxing little Fiddes's + ears, his face grew red, and he broke into a fierce inarticulate rage. + After that, and for some days, he used to shrink from her; but they are + reconciled now. I saw them this afternoon in the garden where only the + parlor-boarders walk. He was playful, and touched her with his stick. She + raised her handsome eyes in surprise, and smiled on him very kindly. + </p> + <p> + The thing was so clear, that I thought it my duty to speak to old Zoe + about it. The wicked old catamaran told me she wished that some people + would mind their own business, and hold their tongues—that some + persons were paid to teach writing, and not to tell tales and make + mischief: and I have since been thinking whether I ought to communicate + with the Doctor. + </p> + <p> + THE OLD PUPIL. + </p> + <p> + As I came into the playgrounds this morning, I saw a dashing young fellow, + with a tanned face and a blond moustache, who was walking up and down the + green arm-in-arm with Champion Major, and followed by a little crowd of + boys. + </p> + <p> + They were talking of old times evidently. "What had become of Irvine and + Smith?"—"Where was Bill Harris and Jones: not Squinny Jones, but + Cocky Jones?"—and so forth. The gentleman was no stranger; he was an + old pupil evidently, come to see if any of his old comrades remained, and + revisit the cari luoghi of his youth. + </p> + <p> + Champion was evidently proud of his arm-fellow, he espied his brother, + young Champion, and introduced him. "Come here, sir," he called. "The + young 'un wasn't here in your time, Davison." "Pat, sir," said he, "this + is Captain Davison, one of Birch's boys. Ask him who was among the first + in the lines at Sobraon?" + </p> + <p> + Pat's face kindled up as he looked Davison full in the face, and held out + his hand. Old Champion and Davison both blushed. The infantry set up a + "Hurray, hurray, hurray," Champion leading, and waving his wide-awake. I + protest that the scene did one good to witness. Here was the hero and cock + of the school come back to see his old haunts and cronies. He had always + remembered them. Since he had seen them last, he had faced death and + achieved honor. But for my dignity I would have shied up my hat too. + </p> + <p> + With a resolute step, and his arm still linked in Champion's, Captain + Davison now advanced, followed by a wake of little boys, to that corner of + the green where Mrs. Ruggles has her tart stand. + </p> + <p> + "Hullo, Mother Ruggles! don't you remember me?" he said, and shook her by + the hand. + </p> + <p> + "Lor, if it ain't Davison Major!" she said. "Well, Davison Major, you owe + me fourpence for two sausage-rolls from when you went away." + </p> + <p> + Davison laughed, and all the little crew of boys set up a similar chorus. + </p> + <p> + "I buy the whole shop," he said. "Now, young 'uns—eat away!" + </p> + <p> + Then there was such a "Hurray! hurray!" as surpassed the former cheer in + loudness. Everybody engaged in it except Piggy Duff, who made an instant + dash at the three-cornered puffs, but was stopped by Champion, who said + there should be a fair distribution. And so there was, and no one lacked, + neither of raspberry, open tarts, nor of mellifluous bulls'-eyes, nor of + polonies, beautiful to the sight and taste. + </p> + <p> + The hurraying brought out the old Doctor himself, who put his hand up to + his spectacles and started when he saw the old pupil. Each blushed when he + recognized the other; for seven years ago they had parted not good + friends. + </p> + <p> + "What—Davison?" the Doctor said, with a tremulous voice. "God bless + you, my dear fellow!"—and they shook hands. "A half holiday, of + course, boys," he added, and there was another hurray: there was to be no + end to the cheering that day. + </p> + <p> + "How's—how's the family, sir?" Captain Davison asked. + </p> + <p> + "Come in and see. Rosa's grown quite a lady. Dine with us, of course. + Champion Major, come to dinner at five. Mr. Titmarsh, the pleasure of your + company?" The Doctor swung open the garden gate: the old master and pupil + entered the house reconciled. + </p> + <p> + I thought I would first peep into Miss Raby's room, and tell her of this + event. She was working away at her linen there, as usual quiet and + cheerful. + </p> + <p> + "You should put up," I said with a smile; "the Doctor has given us a + half-holiday." + </p> + <p> + "I never have holidays," Miss Raby replied. + </p> + <p> + Then I told her of the scene I had just witnessed, of the arrival of the + old pupil, the purchase of the tarts, the proclamation of the holiday, and + the shouts of the boys of "Hurray, Davison!" + </p> + <p> + "WHO is it?" cried out Miss Raby, starting and turning as white as a + sheet. + </p> + <p> + I told her it was Captain Davison from India; and described the appearance + and behavior of the Captain. When I had finished speaking, she asked me to + go and get her a glass of water; she felt unwell. But she was gone when I + came back with the water. + </p> + <p> + I know all now. After sitting for a quarter of an hour with the Doctor, + who attributed his guest's uneasiness no doubt to his desire to see Miss + Rosa Birch, Davison started up and said he wanted to see Miss Raby. "You + remember, sir, how kind she was to my little brother, sir?" he said. + Whereupon the Doctor, with a look of surprise, that anybody should want to + see Miss Raby, said she was in the little school-room; whither the Captain + went, knowing the way from old times. + </p> + <p> + A few minutes afterwards, Miss B. and Miss Z. returned from a drive with + Plantagenet Gaunt in their one-horse fly, and being informed of Davison's + arrival, and that he was closeted with Miss Raby in the little + school-room, of course made for that apartment at once. I was coming into + it from the other door. I wanted to know whether she had drunk the water. + </p> + <p> + This is what both parties saw. The two were in this very attitude. "Well, + upon my word!" cries out Miss Zoe; but Davison did not let go his hold; + and Miss Raby's head only sank down on his hand. + </p> + <p> + "You must get another governess, sir, for the little boys," Frank Davison + said to the Doctor. "Anny Raby has promised to come with me." + </p> + <p> + You may suppose I shut to the door on my side. And when I returned to the + little school-room, it was black and empty. Everybody was gone. I could + hear the boys shouting at play in the green outside. The glass of water + was on the table where I had placed it. I took it and drank it myself, to + the health of Anny Raby and her husband. It was rather a choker. + </p> + <p> + But of course I wasn't going to stop on at Birch's. When his young friends + reassemble on the 1st of February next, they will have two new masters. + Prince resigned too, and is at present living with me at my old lodgings + at Mrs. Cammysole's. If any nobleman or gentleman wants a private tutor + for his son, a note to the Rev. F. Prince will find him there. + </p> + <p> + Miss Clapperclaw says we are both a couple of old fools; and that she knew + when I set off last year to Rodwell Regis, after meeting the two young + ladies at a party at General Champion's house in our street, that I was + going on a goose's errand. I shall dine there on Christmas-day; and so I + wish a merry Christmas to all young and old boys. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + EPILOGUE. +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + The play is done; the curtain drops, + Slow falling, to the prompter's bell: + A moment yet the actor stops, + And looks around, to say farewell. + It is an irksome word and task; + And when he's laughed and said his say, + He shows, as he removes the mask, + A face that's anything but gay. + + One word, ere yet the evening ends, + Let's close it with a parting rhyme, + And pledge a hand to all young friends, + As fits the merry Christmas time. + On life's wide scene you, too, have parts, + That Fate ere long shall bid you play; + Good night! with honest gentle hearts + A kindly greeting go alway! + + Good night! I'd say the griefs, the joys, + Just hinted in this mimic page, + The triumphs and defeats of boys, + Are but repeated in our age. + I'd say, your woes were not less keen, + Your hopes more vain, than those of men, + Your pangs or pleasures of fifteen, + At forty-five played o'er again. + + I'd say, we suffer and we strive + Not less nor more as men than boys; + With grizzled beards at forty-five, + As erst at twelve, in corduroys. + And if, in time of sacred youth, + We learned at home to love and pray, + Pray heaven, that early love and truth + May never wholly pass away. + + And in the world, as in the school, + I'd say, how fate may change and shift; + The prize be sometimes with the fool, + The race not always to the swift. + The strong may yield, the good may fall, + The great man be a vulgar clown, + The knave be lifted over all, + The kind cast pitilessly down. + + Who knows the inscrutable design? + Blessed be He who took and gave: + Why should your mother, Charles, not mine, + Be weeping at her darling's grave?* + We bow to heaven that will'd it so, + That darkly rules the fate of all, + That sends the respite or the blow, + That's free to give or to recall. + + This crowns his feast with wine and wit: + Who brought him to that mirth and state? + His betters, see, below him sit, + Or hunger hopeless at the gate. + Who bade the mud from Dives' Wheel + To spurn the rags of Lazarus? + Come, brother, in that dust we'll kneel, + Confessing heaven that ruled it thus. + + So each shall mourn in life's advance, + Dear hopes, dear friends, untimely killed; + Shall grieve for many a forfeit chance, + A longing passion unfulfilled. + Amen: whatever Fate be sent,—Pray God the heart may kindly glow, + Although the head with cares be bent, + And whitened with the winter snow. + + Come wealth or want, come good or ill, + Let young and old accept their part, + And bow before the Awful Will, + And bear it with an honest heart. + Who misses, or who wins the prize? + Go, lose or conquer as you can. + But if you fail, or if you rise, + Be each, pray God, a gentleman, + + A gentleman, or old or young: + (Bear kindly with my humble lays,) + The sacred chorus first was sung + Upon the first of Christmas days. + The shepherds heard it overhead—The joyful angels raised it then: + Glory to heaven on high, it said, + And peace on earth to gentle men. + + My song, save this, is little worth; + I lay the weary pen aside, + And wish you health, and love, and mirth, + As fits the solemn Christmas tide. + As fits the holy Christmas birth, + Be this, good friends, our carol still—Be peace on earth, be + peace on earth, + To men of gentle will. +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * C. B., ob. Dec. 1843, aet. 42. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0004" id="link2H_4_0004"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE KICKLEBURYS ON THE RHINE. + </h2> + <h3> + BY MR. M. A. TITMARSH + </h3> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h2> + PREFACE TO THE SECOND EDITION: + </h2> + <h3> + BEING AN ESSAY ON THUNDER AND SMALL BEER. + </h3> + <p> + Any reader who may have a fancy to purchase a copy of this present edition + of the "History of the Kickleburys Abroad," had best be warned in time, + that the Times newspaper does not approve of the work, and has but a bad + opinion both of the author and his readers. Nothing can be fairer than + this statement: if you happen to take up the poor little volume at a + railroad station, and read this sentence, lay the book down, and buy + something else. You are warned. What more can the author say? If after + this you WILL buy,—amen! pay your money, take your book, and fall + to. Between ourselves, honest reader, it is no very strong potation which + the present purveyor offers to you. It will not trouble your head much in + the drinking. It was intended for that sort of negus which is offered at + Christmas parties and of which ladies and children may partake with + refreshment and cheerfulness. Last year I tried a brew which was old, + bitter, and strong; and scarce any one would drink it. This year we send + round a milder tap, and it is liked by customers: though the critics (who + like strong ale, the rogues!) turn up their noses. In heaven's name, Mr. + Smith, serve round the liquor to the gentle-folks. Pray, dear madam, + another glass; it is Christmas time, it will do you no harm. It is not + intended to keep long, this sort of drink. (Come, froth up, Mr. Publisher, + and pass quickly round!) And as for the professional gentlemen, we must + get a stronger sort for THEM some day. + </p> + <p> + The Times' gentleman (a very difficult gent to please) is the loudest and + noisiest of all, and has made more hideous faces over the refreshment + offered to him than any other critic. There is no use shirking this + statement! when a man has been abused in the Times, he can't hide it, any + more than he could hide the knowledge of his having been committed to + prison by Mr. Henry, or publicly caned in Pall Mall. You see it in your + friends' eyes when they meet you. They know it. They have chuckled over it + to a man. They whisper about it at the club, and look over the paper at + you. My next-door neighbor came to see me this morning, and I saw by his + face that he had the whole story pat. "Hem!" says he, "well, I HAVE heard + of it; and the fact is, they were talking about you at dinner last night, + and mentioning that the Times had—ahem!—'walked into you.'" + </p> + <p> + "My good M——" I say—and M—— will + corroborate, if need be, the statement I make here—"here is the + Times' article, dated January 4th, which states so and so, and here is a + letter from the publisher, likewise dated January 4th, and which says:— + </p> + <p> + "MY DEAR Sir,—Having this day sold the last copy of the first + edition (of x thousand) of the 'Kickleburys Abroad,' and having orders for + more, had we not better proceed to a second edition? and will you permit + me to enclose an order on," &c. &c.? + </p> + <p> + Singular coincidence! And if every author who was so abused by a critic + had a similar note from a publisher, good Lord! how easily would we take + the critic's censure! + </p> + <p> + "Yes, yes," you say; "it is all very well for a writer to affect to be + indifferent to a critique from the Times. You bear it as a boy bears a + flogging at school, without crying out; but don't swagger and brag as if + you liked it." + </p> + <p> + Let us have truth before all. I would rather have a good word than a bad + one from any person: but if a critic abuses me from a high place, and it + is worth my while, I will appeal. If I can show that the judge who is + delivering sentence against me, and laying down the law and making a + pretence of learning, has no learning and no law, and is neither more nor + less than a pompous noodle, who ought not to be heard in any respectable + court, I will do so; and then, dear friends, perhaps you will have + something to laugh at in this book.— + </p> + <p> + "THE KICKLEBURYS ABROAD. + </p> + <p> + "It has been customary, of late years, for the purveyors of amusing + literature—the popular authors of the day—to put forth certain + opuscules, denominated 'Christmas Books,' with the ostensible intention of + swelling the tide of exhilaration, or other expansive emotions, incident + upon the exodus of the old and the inauguration of the new year. We have + said that their ostensible intention was such, because there is another + motive for these productions, locked up (as the popular author deems) in + his own breast, but which betrays itself, in the quality of the work, as + his principal incentive. Oh! that any muse should be set upon a high stool + to cast up accounts and balance a ledger! Yet so it is; and the popular + author finds it convenient to fill up the declared deficit, and place + himself in a position the more effectually to encounter those liabilities + which sternly assert themselves contemporaneously and in contrast with the + careless and free-handed tendencies of the season by the emission of + Christmas books—a kind of literary assignats, representing to the + emitter expunged debts, to the receiver an investment of enigmatical + value. For the most part bearing the stamp of their origin in the vacuity + of the writer's exchequer rather than in the fulness of his genius, they + suggest by their feeble flavor the rinsings of a void brain after the more + important concoctions of the expired year. Indeed, we should as little + think of taking these compositions as examples of the merits of their + authors as we should think of measuring the valuable services of Mr. + Walker, the postman, or Mr. Bell, the dust-collector, by the copy of + verses they leave at our doors as a provocative of the expected annual + gratuity—effusions with which they may fairly be classed for their + intrinsic worth no less than their ultimate purport. + </p> + <p> + "In the Christmas book presently under notice, the author appears (under + the thin disguise of Mr. Michael Angelo Titmarsh) in 'propria persona' as + the popular author, the contributor to Punch, the remorseless pursuer of + unconscious vulgarity and feeble-mindedness, launched upon a tour of + relaxation to the Rhine. But though exercising, as is the wont of popular + authors in their moments of leisure, a plentiful reserve of those higher + qualities to which they are indebted for their fame, his professional + instincts are not altogether in abeyance. From the moment his eye lights + upon a luckless family group embarked on the same steamer with himself, + the sight of his accustomed quarry—vulgarity, imbecility, and + affectation—reanimates his relaxed sinews, and, playfully fastening + his satiric fangs upon the familiar prey, he dallies with it in mimic + ferocity like a satiated mouser. + </p> + <p> + "Though faintly and carelessly indicated, the characters are those with + which the author loves to surround himself. A tuft-hunting county + baronet's widow, an inane captain of dragoons, a graceless young baronet, + a lady with groundless pretensions to feeble health and poesy, an + obsequious nonentity her husband, and a flimsy and artificial young lady, + are the personages in whom we are expected to find amusement. Two + individuals alone form an exception to the above category, and are offered + to the respectful admiration of the reader,—the one, a shadowy + serjeant-at-law, Mr. Titmarsh's travelling companion, who escapes with a + few side puffs of flattery, which the author struggles not to render + ironical, and a mysterious countess, spoken of in a tone of religious + reverence, and apparently introduced that we may learn by what delicate + discriminations our adoration of rank should be regulated. + </p> + <p> + "To those who love to hug themselves in a sense of superiority by + admeasurement with the most worthless of their species, in their most + worthless aspects, the Kickleburys on the Rhine will afford an agreeable + treat, especially as the purveyor of the feast offers his own moments of + human weakness as a modest entree in this banquet of erring mortality. To + our own, perhaps unphilosophical, taste the aspirations towards + sentimental perfection of another popular author are infinitely preferable + to these sardonic divings after the pearl of truth, whose lustre is + eclipsed in the display of the diseased oyster. Much, in the present + instance, perhaps all, the disagreeable effect of his subject is no doubt + attributable to the absence of Mr. Thackeray's usual brilliancy of style. + A few flashes, however, occur, such as the description of M. Lenoir's + gaming establishment, with the momentous crisis to which it was subjected, + and the quaint and imaginative sallies evoked by the whole town of + Rougetnoirbourg and its lawful prince. These, with the illustrations, + which are spirited enough, redeem the book from an absolute ban. Mr. + Thackeray's pencil is more congenial than his pen. He cannot draw his men + and women with their skins off, and, therefore, the effigies of his + characters are pleasanter to contemplate than the flayed anatomies of the + letter-press." + </p> + <p> + There is the whole article. And the reader will see (in the paragraph + preceding that memorable one which winds up with the diseased oyster) that + he must be a worthless creature for daring to like the book, as he could + only do so from a desire to hug himself in a sense of superiority by + admeasurement with the most worthless of his fellow-creatures! + </p> + <p> + The reader is worthless for liking a book of which all the characters are + worthless, except two, which are offered to his respectful admiration; and + of these two the author does not respect one, but struggles not to laugh + in his face; whilst he apparently speaks of another in a tone of religious + reverence, because the lady is a countess, and because he (the author) is + a sneak. So reader, author, characters, are rogues all. Be there any + honest men left, Hal? About Printing-house Square, mayhap you may light on + an honest man, a squeamish man, a proper moral man, a man that shall talk + you Latin by the half-column if you will but hear him. + </p> + <p> + And what a style it is, that great man's! What hoighth of foine language + entoirely! How he can discoorse you in English for all the world as if it + was Latin! For instance, suppose you and I had to announce the important + news that some writers published what are called Christmas books; that + Christmas books are so called because they are published at Christmas: and + that the purpose of the authors is to try and amuse people. Suppose, I + say, we had, by the sheer force of intellect, or by other means of + observation or information, discovered these great truths, we should have + announced them in so many words. And there it is that the difference lies + between a great writer and a poor one; and we may see how an inferior man + may fling a chance away. How does my friend of the Times put these + propositions? "It has been customary," says he, "of late years for the + purveyors of amusing literature to put forth certain opuscules, + denominated Christmas books, with the ostensible intention of swelling the + tide of exhilaration, or other expansive emotions, incident upon the + exodus of the old or the inauguration of the new year." That is something + like a sentence; not a word scarcely but's in Latin, and the longest and + handsomest out of the whole dictionary. That is proper economy—as + you see a buck from Holywell Street put every pinchbeck pin, ring, and + chain which he possesses about his shirt, hands, and waistcoat, and then + go and cut a dash in the Park, or swagger with his order to the theatre. + It costs him no more to wear all his ornaments about his distinguished + person than to leave them at home. If you can be a swell at a cheap rate, + why not? And I protest, for my part, I had no idea what I was really about + in writing and submitting my little book for sale, until my friend the + critic, looking at the article, and examining it with the eyes of a + connoisseur, pronounced that what I had fancied simply to be a book was in + fact "an opuscule denominated so-and-so, and ostensibly intended to swell + the tide of expansive emotion incident upon the inauguration of the new + year." I can hardly believe as much even now—so little do we know + what we really are after, until men of genius come and interpret. + </p> + <p> + And besides the ostensible intention, the reader will perceive that my + judge has discovered another latent motive, which I had "locked up in my + own breast." The sly rogue! (if we may so speak of the court.) There is no + keeping anything from him; and this truth, like the rest, has come out, + and is all over England by this time. Oh, that all England, which has + bought the judge's charge, would purchase the prisoner's plea in + mitigation! "Oh, that any muse should be set on a high stool," says the + bench, "to cast up accounts and balance a ledger! Yet so it is; and the + popular author finds it convenient to fill up the declared deficit by the + emission of Christmas books—a kind of assignats that bear the stamp + of their origin in the vacuity of the writer's exchequer." There is a + trope for you! You rascal, you wrote because you wanted money! His + lordship has found out what you were at, and that there is a deficit in + your till. But he goes on to say that we poor devils are to be pitied in + our necessity; and that these compositions are no more to be taken as + examples of our merits than the verses which the dustman leaves at his + lordship's door, "as a provocative of the expected annual gratuity," are + to be considered as measuring his, the scavenger's, valuable services—nevertheless + the author's and the scavenger's "effusions may fairly be classed, for + their intrinsic worth, no less than their ultimate purport." + </p> + <p> + Heaven bless his lordship on the bench—What a gentle manlike + badinage he has, and what a charming and playful wit always at hand! What + a sense he has for a simile, or what Mrs. Malaprop calls an odorous + comparison, and how gracefully he conducts it to "its ultimate purport." A + gentleman writing a poor little book is a scavenger asking for a + Christmas-box! + </p> + <p> + As I try this small beer which has called down such a deal of thunder, I + can't help thinking that it is not Jove who has interfered (the case was + scarce worthy of his divine vindictiveness); but the Thunderer's man, + Jupiter Jeames, taking his master's place, adopting his manner, and trying + to dazzle and roar like his awful employer. That figure of the dustman has + hardly been flung from heaven: that "ultimate purport" is a subject which + the Immortal would hardly handle. Well, well; let us allow that the book + is not worthy of such a polite critic—that the beer is not strong + enough for a gentleman who has taste and experience in beer. + </p> + <p> + That opinion no man can ask his honor to alter; but (the beer being the + question), why make unpleasant allusions to the Gazette, and hint at the + probable bankruptcy of the brewer? Why twit me with my poverty; and what + can the Times' critic know about the vacuity of my exchequer? Did he ever + lend me any money? Does he not himself write for money? (and who would + grudge it to such a polite and generous and learned author?) If he finds + no disgrace in being paid, why should I? If he has ever been poor, why + should he joke at my empty exchequer? Of course such a genius is paid for + his work: with such neat logic, such a pure style, such a charming + poetical turn of phrase, of course a critic gets money. Why, a man who can + say of a Christmas book that "it is an opuscule denominated so-and-so, and + ostensibly intended to swell the tide of expansive emotion incident upon + the exodus of the old year," must evidently have had immense sums and care + expended on his early education, and deserves a splendid return. You can't + go into the market, and get scholarship like THAT, without paying for it: + even the flogging that such a writer must have had in early youth (if he + was at a public school where the rods were paid for), must have cost his + parents a good sum. Where would you find any but an accomplished classical + scholar to compare the books of the present (or indeed any other) writer + to "sardonic divings after the pearl of truth, whose lustre is eclipsed in + the display of the diseased oyster;" mere Billingsgate doesn't turn out + oysters like these; they are of the Lucrine lake:—this satirist has + pickled his rods in Latin brine. Fancy, not merely a diver, but a sardonic + diver: and the expression of his confounded countenance on discovering not + only a pearl, but an eclipsed pearl, which was in a diseased oyster! I say + it is only by an uncommon and happy combination of taste, genius, and + industry, that a man can arrive at uttering such sentiments in such fine + language,—that such a man ought to be well paid, as I have no doubt + he is, and that he is worthily employed to write literary articles, in + large type, in the leading journal of Europe. Don't we want men of + eminence and polite learning to sit on the literary bench, and to direct + the public opinion? + </p> + <p> + But when this profound scholar compares me to a scavenger who leaves a + copy of verses at his door and begs for a Christmas-box, I must again cry + out and say, "My dear sir, it is true your simile is offensive, but can + you make it out? Are you not hasty in your figures and illusions?" If I + might give a hint to so consummate a rhetorician, you should be more + careful in making your figures figures, and your similes like: for + instance, when you talk of a book "swelling the tide of exhilaration + incident to the inauguration of the new year," or of a book "bearing the + stamp of its origin in vacuity," &c.,—or of a man diving + sardonically; or of a pearl eclipsed in the display of a diseased oyster—there + are some people who will not apprehend your meaning: some will doubt + whether you had a meaning: some even will question your great powers, and + say, "Is this man to be a critic in a newspaper, which knows what English, + and Latin too, and what sense and scholarship, are?" I don't quarrel with + you—I take for granted your wit and learning, your modesty and + benevolence—but why scavenger—Jupiter Jeames—why + scavenger? A gentleman, whose biography the Examiner was fond of quoting + before it took its present serious and orthodox turn, was pursued by an + outraged wife to the very last stage of his existence with an appeal + almost as pathetic—Ah, sir, why scavenger? + </p> + <p> + How can I be like a dustman that rings for a Christmas-box at your + hall-door? I never was there in my life. I never left at your door a copy + of verses provocative of an annual gratuity, as your noble honor styles + it. Who are you? If you are the man I take you to be, it must have been + you who asked the publisher for my book, and not I who sent it in, and + begged a gratuity of your worship. You abused me out of the Times' window; + but if ever your noble honor sent me a gratuity out of your own door, may + I never drive another dust-cart. "Provocative of a gratuity!" O splendid + swell! How much was it your worship sent out to me by the footman? Every + farthing you have paid I will restore to your lordship, and I swear I + shall not be a halfpenny the poorer. + </p> + <p> + As before, and on similar seasons and occasions, I have compared myself to + a person following a not dissimilar calling: let me suppose now, for a + minute, that I am a writer of a Christmas farce, who sits in the pit, and + sees the performance of his own piece. There comes applause, hissing, + yawning, laughter, as may be: but the loudest critic of all is our friend + the cheap buck, who sits yonder and makes his remarks, so that all the + audience may hear. "THIS a farce!" says Beau Tibbs: "demmy! it's the work + of a poor devil who writes for money,—confound his vulgarity! This a + farce! Why isn't it a tragedy, or a comedy, or an epic poem, stap my + vitals? This a farce indeed! It's a feller as sends round his 'at, and + appeals to charity. Let's 'ave our money back again, I say." And he + swaggers off;—and you find the fellow came with an author's order. + </p> + <p> + But if, in spite of Tibbs, our "kyind friends," &c. &c. &c.—if + the little farce, which was meant to amuse Christmas (or what my classical + friend calls Exodus), is asked for, even up to Twelfth Night,—shall + the publisher stop because Tibbs is dissatisfied? Whenever that capitalist + calls to get his money back, he may see the letter from the respected + publisher, informing the author that all the copies are sold, and that + there are demands for a new edition. Up with the curtain, then! Vivat + Regina! and no money returned, except the Times "gratuity!" + </p> + <p> + M. A. TITMARSH. + </p> + <p> + January 5, 1851. + </p> + <p> + THE KICKLEBURYS ON THE RHINE. + </p> + <p> + The cabman, when he brought us to the wharf, and made his usual charge of + six times his legal fare, before the settlement of which he pretended to + refuse the privilege of an exeat regno to our luggage, glared like a + disappointed fiend when Lankin, calling up the faithful Hutchison, his + clerk, who was in attendance, said to him, "Hutchison, you will pay this + man. My name is Serjeant Lankin, my chambers are in Pump Court. My clerk + will settle with you, sir." The cabman trembled; we stepped on board; our + lightsome luggage was speedily whisked away by the crew; our berths had + been secured by the previous agency of Hutchison; and a couple of tickets, + on which were written, "Mr. Serjeant Lankin," "Mr. Titmarsh," (Lankin's, + by the way, incomparably the best and comfortablest sleeping place,) were + pinned on to two of the curtains of the beds in a side cabin when we + descended. + </p> + <p> + Who was on board? There were Jews, with Sunday papers and fruit; there + were couriers and servants straggling about; there were those bearded + foreign visitors of England, who always seem to decline to shave or wash + themselves on the day of a voyage, and, on the eve of quitting our + country, appear inclined to carry away as much as possible of its soil on + their hands and linen: there were parties already cozily established on + deck under the awning; and steady-going travellers for'ard, smoking + already the pleasant morning cigar, and watching the phenomena of + departure. + </p> + <p> + The bell rings: they leave off bawling, "Anybody else for the shore?" The + last grape and Bell's Life merchant has scuffled over the plank: the Johns + of the departing nobility and gentry line the brink of the quay, and touch + their hats: Hutchison touches his hat to me—to ME, heaven bless him! + I turn round inexpressibly affected and delighted, and whom do I see but + Captain Hicks! + </p> + <p> + "Hallo! YOU here?" says Hicks, in a tone which seems to mean, "Confound + you, you are everywhere." + </p> + <p> + Hicks is one of those young men who seem to be everywhere a great deal too + often. + </p> + <p> + How are they always getting leave from their regiments? If they are not + wanted in this country, (as wanted they cannot be, for you see them + sprawling over the railing in Rotten Row all day, and shaking their heels + at every ball in town,)—if they are not wanted in this country, I + say, why the deuce are they not sent off to India, or to Demerara, or to + Sierra Leone, by Jove?—the farther the better; and I should wish a + good unwholesome climate to try 'em, and make 'em hardy. Here is this + Hicks, then—Captain Launcelot Hicks, if you please—whose life + is nothing but breakfast, smoking, riding-school, billiards, mess, + polking, billiards, and smoking again, and da capo—pulling down his + moustaches, and going to take a tour after the immense labors of the + season. + </p> + <p> + "How do you do, Captain Hicks?" I say. "Where are you going?" + </p> + <p> + "Oh, I am going to the Whine," says Hicks; "evewybody goes to the Whine." + The WHINE indeed! I dare say he can no more spell properly than he can + speak. + </p> + <p> + "Who is on board—anybody?" I ask, with the air of a man of fashion. + "To whom does that immense pile of luggage belong—under charge of + the lady's-maid, the courier, and the British footman? A large white K is + painted on all the boxes." + </p> + <p> + "How the deuce should I know?" says Hicks, looking, as I fancy, both red + and angry, and strutting off with his great cavalry lurch and swagger: + whilst my friend the Serjeant looks at him lost in admiration, and surveys + his shining little boots, his chains and breloques, his whiskers and + ambrosial moustaches, his gloves and other dandifications, with a pleased + wonder; as the ladies of the Sultan's harem surveyed the great Lady from + Park Lane who paid them a visit; or the simple subjects of Montezuma + looked at one of Cortes's heavy dragoons. + </p> + <p> + "That must be a marquis at least," whispers Lankin, who consults me on + points of society, and is pleased to have a great opinion of my + experience. + </p> + <p> + I burst out in a scornful laugh. "THAT!" I say; "he is a captain of + dragoons, and his father an attorney in Bedford Row. The whiskers of a + roturier, my good Lankin, grow as long as the beard of a Plantagenet. It + don't require much noble blood to learn the polka. If you were younger, + Lankin, we might go for a shilling a night, and dance every evening at M. + Laurent's Casino, and skip about in a little time as well as that fellow. + Only we despise the kind of thing you know,—only we're too grave, + and too steady." + </p> + <p> + "And too fat," whispers Lankin, with a laugh. + </p> + <p> + "Speak for yourself, you maypole," says I. "If you can't dance yourself, + people can dance round you—put a wreath of flowers upon your old + poll, stick you up in a village green, and so make use of you." + </p> + <p> + "I should gladly be turned into anything so pleasant," Lankin answers; + "and so, at least, get a chance of seeing a pretty girl now and then. They + don't show in Pump Court, or at the University Club, where I dine. You are + a lucky fellow, Titmarsh, and go about in the world. As for me, I never—" + </p> + <p> + "And the judges' wives, you rogue?" I say. "Well, no man is satisfied; and + the only reason I have to be angry with the captain yonder is, that, the + other night, at Mrs. Perkins's, being in conversation with a charming + young creature—who knows all my favorite passages in Tennyson, and + takes a most delightful little line of opposition in the Church + controversy—just as we were in the very closest, dearest, + pleasantest part of the talk, comes up young Hotspur yonder, and whisks + her away in a polka. What have you and I to do with polkas, Lankin? He + took her down to supper—what have you and I to do with suppers?" + </p> + <p> + "Our duty is to leave them alone," said the philosophical Serjeant. "And + now about breakfast—shall we have some?" And as he spoke, a savory + little procession of stewards and stewards' boys, with drab tin + dish-covers, passed from the caboose, and descended the stairs to the + cabin. The vessel had passed Greenwich by this time, and had worked its + way out of the mast-forest which guards the approaches of our city. + </p> + <p> + The owners of those innumerable boxes, bags, oil-skins, guitar-cases, + whereon the letter K was engraven, appeared to be three ladies, with a + slim gentleman of two or three and thirty, who was probably the husband of + one of them. He had numberless shawls under his arm and guardianship. He + had a strap full of Murray's Handbooks and Continental Guides in his + keeping; and a little collection of parasols and umbrellas, bound + together, and to be carried in state before the chief of the party, like + the lictor's fasces before the consul. + </p> + <p> + The chief of the party was evidently the stout lady. One parasol being + left free, she waved it about, and commanded the luggage and the menials + to and fro. "Horace, we will sit there," she exclaimed, pointing to a + comfortable place on the deck. Horace went and placed the shawls and the + Guidebooks. "Hirsch, avy vou conty les bagages? tront sett morso ong too?" + The German courier said, "Oui, miladi," and bowed a rather sulky assent. + "Bowman, you will see that Finch is comfortable, and send her to me." The + gigantic Bowman, a gentleman in an undress uniform, with very large and + splendid armorial buttons, and with traces of the powder of the season + still lingering in his hair, bows, and speeds upon my lady's errand. + </p> + <p> + I recognize Hirsch, a well-known face upon the European high-road, where + he has travelled with many acquaintances. With whom is he making the tour + now?—Mr. Hirsch is acting as courier to Mr. and Mrs. Horace + Milliken. They have not been married many months, and they are travelling, + Hirsch says, with a contraction of his bushy eyebrows, with miladi, Mrs. + Milliken's mamma. "And who is her ladyship?" Hirsch's brow contracts into + deeper furrows. "It is Miladi Gigglebury," he says, "Mr. Didmarsh. Berhabs + you know her." He scowls round at her, as she calls out loudly, "Hirsch, + Hirsch!" and obeys that summons. + </p> + <p> + It is the great Lady Kicklebury of Pocklington Square, about whom I + remember Mrs. Perkins made so much ado at her last ball; and whom old + Perkins conducted to supper. When Sir Thomas Kicklebury died (he was one + of the first tenants of the Square), who does not remember the scutcheon + with the coronet with two balls, that flamed over No. 36? Her son was at + Eton then, and has subsequently taken an honorary degree at Oxford, and + been an ornament of Platt's and the "Oswestry Club." He fled into St. + James's from the great house in Pocklington Square, and from St. James's + to Italy and the Mediterranean, where he has been for some time in a + wholesome exile. Her eldest daughter's marriage with Lord Roughhead was + talked about last year; but Lord Roughhead, it is known, married Miss + Brent; and Horace Milliken, very much to his surprise, found himself the + affianced husband of Miss Lavinia Kicklebury, after an agitating evening + at Lady Polkimore's, when Miss Lavinia, feeling herself faint, went out on + to the leads (the terrace, Lady Polkimore WILL call it), on the arm of Mr. + Milliken. They were married in January: it's not a bad match for Miss K. + Lady Kicklebury goes and stops for six months of the year at Pigeoncot + with her daughter and son-in-law; and now that they are come abroad, she + comes too. She must be with Lavinia, under the present circumstances. + </p> + <p> + When I am arm-in-arm, I tell this story glibly off to Lankin, who is + astonished at my knowledge of the world, and says, "Why, Titmarsh, you + know everything." + </p> + <p> + "I DO know a few things, Lankin my boy," is my answer. "A man don't live + in society, and PRETTY GOOD society, let me tell you, for nothing." + </p> + <p> + The fact is, that all the above details are known to almost any man in our + neighborhood. Lady Kicklebury does not meet with US much, and has greater + folks than we can pretend to be at her parties. But we know about THEM. + She'll condescend to come to Perkins's, WITH WHOSE FIRM SHE BANKS; and she + MAY overdraw HER ACCOUNT: but of that, of course, I know nothing. + </p> + <p> + When Lankin and I go down stairs to breakfast, we find, if not the best, + at least the most conspicuous places in occupation of Lady Kicklebury's + party, and the hulking London footman making a darkness in the cabin, as + he stoops through it bearing cups and plates to his employers. + </p> + <p> + [Why do they always put mud into coffee on board steamers? Why does the + tea generally taste of boiled boots? Why is the milk scarce and thin? And + why do they have those bleeding legs of boiled mutton for dinner? I ask + why? In the steamers of other nations you are well fed. Is it impossible + that Britannia, who confessedly rules the waves, should attend to the + victuals a little, and that meat should be well cooked under a Union Jack? + I just put in this question, this most interesting question, in a + momentous parenthesis, and resume the tale.] + </p> + <p> + When Lankin and I descend to the cabin, then, the tables are full of + gobbling people; and, though there DO seem to be a couple of places near + Lady Kicklebury, immediately she sees our eyes directed to the inviting + gap, she slides out, and with her ample robe covers even more than that + large space to which by art and nature she is entitled, and calling out, + "Horace, Horace!" and nodding, and winking, and pointing, she causes her + son-in-law to extend the wing on his side. We are cut of THAT chance of a + breakfast. We shall have the tea at its third water, and those two damp + black mutton-chops, which nobody else will take, will fall to our cold + share. + </p> + <p> + At this minute a voice, clear and sweet, from a tall lady in a black veil, + says, "Mr. Titmarsh," and I start and murmur an ejaculation of respectful + surprise, as I recognize no less a person than the Right Honorable the + Countess of Knightsbridge, taking her tea, breaking up little bits of + toast with her slim fingers, and sitting between a Belgian horse-dealer + and a German violoncello-player who has a conge after the opera—like + any other mortal. + </p> + <p> + I whisper her ladyship's name to Lankin. The Serjeant looks towards her + with curiosity and awe. Even he, in his Pump Court solitudes, has heard of + that star of fashion—that admired amongst men, and even women—that + Diana severe yet simple, the accomplished Aurelia of Knightsbridge. Her + husband has but a small share of HER qualities. How should he? The turf + and the fox-chase are his delights—the smoking-room at the + "Travellers'"—nay, shall we say it?—the illuminated arcades of + "Vauxhall," and the gambols of the dishevelled Terpsichore. Knightsbridge + has his faults—ah! even the peerage of England is not exempt from + them. With Diana for his wife, he flies the halls where she sits severe + and serene, and is to be found (shrouded in smoke, 'tis true,) in those + caves where the contrite chimney-sweep sings his terrible death chant, or + the Bacchanalian judge administers a satiric law. Lord Knightsbridge has + his faults, then; but he has the gout at Rougetnoirbourg, near the Rhine, + and thither his wife is hastening to minister to him. + </p> + <p> + "I have done," says Lady Knightsbridge, with a gentle bow, as she rises; + "you may have this place, Mr. Titmarsh; and I am sorry my breakfast is + over: I should have prolonged it had I thought that YOU were coming to sit + by me. Thank you—my glove." (Such an absurd little glove, by the + way). "We shall meet on the deck when you have done." + </p> + <p> + And she moves away with an august curtsy. I can't tell how it is, or what + it is, in that lady; but she says, "How do you do?" as nobody else knows + how to say it. In all her actions, motions, thoughts, I would wager there + is the same calm grace and harmony. She is not very handsome, being very + thin, and rather sad-looking. She is not very witty, being only up to the + conversation, whatever it may be; and yet, if she were in black serge, I + think one could not help seeing that she was a Princess, and Serene + Highness; and if she were a hundred years old, she could not be but + beautiful. I saw her performing her devotions in Antwerp Cathedral, and + forgot to look at anything else there;—so calm and pure, such a + sainted figure hers seemed. + </p> + <p> + When this great lady did the present writer the honor to shake his hand (I + had the honor to teach writing and the rudiments of Latin to the young and + intelligent Lord Viscount Pimlico), there seemed to be a commotion in the + Kicklebury party—heads were nodded together, and turned towards Lady + Knightsbridge: in whose honor, when Lady Kicklebury had sufficiently + reconnoitred her with her eye-glass, the baronet's lady rose and swept a + reverential curtsy, backing until she fell up against the cushions at the + stern of the boat. Lady Knightsbridge did not see this salute, for she did + not acknowledge it, but walked away slimly (she seems to glide in and out + of the room), and disappeared up the stair to the deck. + </p> + <p> + Lankin and I took our places, the horse-dealer making room for us; and I + could not help looking, with a little air of triumph, over to the + Kicklebury faction, as much as to say, "You fine folks, with your large + footman and supercilious airs, see what WE can do." + </p> + <p> + As I looked—smiling, and nodding, and laughing at me, in a knowing, + pretty way, and then leaning to mamma as if in explanation, what face + should I see but that of the young lady at Mrs. Perkins's, with whom I had + had that pleasant conversation which had been interrupted by the demand of + Captain Hicks for a dance? So, then, that was Miss Kicklebury, about whom + Miss Perkins, my young friend, has so often spoken to me: the young ladies + were in conversation when I had the happiness of joining them; and Miss P. + went away presently, to look to her guests—that is Miss Fanny + Kicklebury. + </p> + <p> + A sudden pang shot athwart my bosom—Lankin might have perceived it, + but the honest Serjeant was so awe-stricken by his late interview with the + Countess of Knightsbridge, that his mind was unfit to grapple with other + subjects—a pang of feeling (which I concealed under the grin and + graceful bow wherewith Miss Fanny's salutations were acknowledged) tore my + heart-strings—as I thought of—I need not say—of HICKS. + </p> + <p> + He had danced with her, he had supped with her—he was here, on board + the boat. Where was that dragoon? I looked round for him. In quite a far + corner,—but so that he could command the Kicklebury party, I + thought,—he was eating his breakfast, the great healthy oaf, and + consuming one broiled egg after another. + </p> + <p> + In the course of the afternoon, all parties, as it may be supposed, + emerged upon deck again, and Miss Fanny and her mamma began walking the + quarter-deck with a quick pace, like a couple of post-captains. When Miss + Fanny saw me, she stopped and smiled, and recognized the gentleman who had + amused her so at Mrs. Perkins's. What a dear sweet creature Eliza Perkins + was! They had been at school together. She was going to write to Eliza + everything that happened on the voyage. + </p> + <p> + "EVERYTHING?" I said, in my particularly sarcastic manner. + </p> + <p> + "Well, everything that was worth telling. There was a great number of + things that were very stupid, and of people that were very stupid. + Everything that YOU say, Mr. Titmarsh, I am sure I may put down. You have + seen Mr. Titmarsh's funny books, mamma?" + </p> + <p> + Mamma said she had heard—she had no doubt they were very amusing. + "Was not that—ahem—Lady Knightsbridge, to whom I saw you + speaking, sir?" + </p> + <p> + "Yes; she is going to nurse Lord Knightsbridge, who has the gout at + Rougetnoirbourg." + </p> + <p> + "Indeed! how very fortunate! what an extraordinary coincidence! We are + going too," said Lady Kicklebury. + </p> + <p> + I remarked "that everybody was going to Rougetnoirbourg this year; and I + heard of two gentlemen—Count Carambole and Colonel Cannon—who + had been obliged to sleep there on a billiard-table for want of a bed." + </p> + <p> + "My son Kicklebury—are you acquainted with Sir Thomas Kicklebury?" + her ladyship said, with great stateliness—"is at Noirbourg, and will + take lodgings for us. The springs are particularly recommended for my + daughter, Mrs. Milliken and, at great personal sacrifice, I am going + thither myself: but what will not a mother do, Mr. Titmarsh? Did I + understand you to say that you have the—the entree at Knightsbridge + House? The parties are not what they used to be, I am told. Not that I + have any knowledge. I am but a poor country baronet's widow, Mr. Titmarsh; + though the Kickleburys date from Henry III., and MY family is not of the + most modern in the country. You have heard of General Guff, my father, + perhaps? aide-de-camp to the Duke of York, and wounded by his Royal + Highness's side at the bombardment of Valenciennes. WE move IN OUR OWN + SPHERE." + </p> + <p> + "Mrs. Perkins is a very kind creature," I said, "and it was a very + pleasant ball. Did you not think so, Miss Kicklebury?" + </p> + <p> + "I thought it odious," said Miss Fanny. "I mean, it WAS pleasant until + that—that stupid man—what was his name?—came and took me + away to dance with him." + </p> + <p> + "What! don't you care for a red coat and moustaches?" I asked. + </p> + <p> + "I adore genius, Mr. Titmarsh," said the young lady, with a most killing + look of her beautiful blue eyes, "and I have every one of your works by + heart—all, except the last, which I can't endure. I think it's + wicked, positively wicked—My darling Scott—how can you? And + are you going to make a Christmas-book this year?" + </p> + <p> + "Shall I tell you about it?" + </p> + <p> + "Oh, do tell us about it," said the lively, charming creature, clapping + her hands: and we began to talk, being near Lavinia (Mrs. Milliken) and + her husband, who was ceaselessly occupied in fetching and carrying books, + biscuits, pillows and cloaks, scent-bottles, the Italian greyhound, and + the thousand and one necessities of the pale and interesting bride. Oh, + how she did fidget! how she did grumble! how she altered and twisted her + position! and how she did make poor Milliken trot! + </p> + <p> + After Miss Fanny and I had talked, and I had told her my plan, which she + pronounced to be delightful, she continued:—"I never was so provoked + in my life, Mr. Titmarsh, as when that odious man came and interrupted + that dear delightful conversation." + </p> + <p> + "On your word? The odious man is on board the boat: I see him smoking just + by the funnel yonder, look! and looking at us." + </p> + <p> + "He is very stupid," said Fanny; "and all that I adore is intellect, dear + Mr. Titmarsh." + </p> + <p> + "But why is he on board?" said I, with a fin sourire. + </p> + <p> + "Why is he on board? Why is everybody on board? How do we meet? (and oh, + how glad I am to meet you again!) You don't suppose that I know how the + horrid man came here?" + </p> + <p> + "Eh! he may be fascinated by a pair of blue eyes, Miss Fanny! Others have + been so," I said. + </p> + <p> + "Don't be cruel to a poor girl, you wicked, satirical creature," she said. + "I think Captain Hicks odious—there! and I was quite angry when I + saw him on the boat. Mamma does not know him, and she was so angry with me + for dancing with him that night: though there was nobody of any particular + mark at poor dear Mrs. Perkins's—that is, except YOU, Mr. Titmarsh." + </p> + <p> + "And I am not a dancing man," I said, with a sigh. + </p> + <p> + "I hate dancing men; they can do nothing but dance." + </p> + <p> + "O yes, they can. Some of them can smoke, and some can ride, and some of + them can even spell very well." + </p> + <p> + "You wicked, satirical person. I'm quite afraid of you!" + </p> + <p> + "And some of them call the Rhine the 'Whine,'" I said, giving an admirable + imitation of poor Hicks's drawling manner. + </p> + <p> + Fanny looked hard at me, with a peculiar expression on her face. At last + she laughed. "Oh, you wicked, wicked man," she said, "what a capital mimic + you are, and so full of cleverness! Do bring up Captain Hicks—isn't + that his name?—and trot him out for us. Bring him up, and introduce + him to mamma: do now, go!" + </p> + <p> + Mamma, in the meanwhile, had waited her time, and was just going to step + down the cabin stairs as Lady Knightsbridge ascended from them. To draw + back, to make a most profound curtsy, to exclaim, "Lady Knightsbridge! I + have had the honor of seeing your ladyship at—hum—hum—hum" + (this word I could not catch)—"House,"—all these feats were + performed by Lady Kicklebury in one instant, and acknowledged with the + usual calmness by the younger lady. + </p> + <p> + "And may I hope," continues Lady Kicklebury, "that that most beautiful of + all children—a mother may say so—that Lord Pimlico has + recovered his hooping-cough? We were so anxious about him. Our medical + attendant is Mr. Topham, and he used to come from Knightsbridge House to + Pocklington Square, often and often. I am interested about the + hooping-cough. My own dear boy had it most severely; that dear girl, my + eldest daughter, whom you see stretched on the bench—she is in a + very delicate state, and only lately married—not such a match as I + could have wished: but Mr. Milliken is of a good family, distantly related + to your ladyship's. A Milliken, in George the Third's reign, married a + Boltimore, and the Boltimores, I think, are your first-cousins. They + married this year, and Lavinia is so fond of me, that she can't part with + me, and I have come abroad just to please her. We are going to Noirbourg. + I think I heard from my son that Lord Knightsbridge was at Noirbourg." + </p> + <p> + "I believe I have had the pleasure of seeing Sir Thomas Kicklebury at + Knightsbridge House," Lady Knightsbridge said, with something of sadness. + </p> + <p> + "Indeed!" and Kicklebury had never told her! He laughed at her when she + talked about great people: he told her all sorts of ridiculous stories + when upon this theme. But, at any rate, the acquaintance was made: Lady + Kicklebury would not leave Lady Knightsbridge; and, even in the throes of + sea-sickness, and the secret recesses of the cabin, WOULD talk to her + about the world, Lord Pimlico, and her father, General Guff, late + aide-de-camp to the Duke of York. + </p> + <p> + That those throes of sickness ensued, I need not say. A short time after + passing Ramsgate, Serjeant Lankin, who had been exceedingly gay and + satirical—(in his calm way; he quotes Horace, my favorite bits as an + author, to myself, and has a quiet snigger, and, so to speak, amontillado + flavor, exceedingly pleasant)—Lankin, with a rueful and livid + countenance, descended into his berth, in the which that six foot of + serjeant packed himself I don't know how. + </p> + <p> + When Lady Knightsbridge went down, down went Kicklebury. Milliken and his + wife stayed, and were ill together on deck. A palm of glory ought to be + awarded to that man for his angelic patience, energy, and suffering. It + was he who went for Mrs. Milliken's maid, who wouldn't come to her + mistress; it was he, the shyest of men, who stormed the ladies' cabin—that + maritime harem—in order to get her mother's bottle of salts; it was + he who went for the brandy-and-water, and begged, and prayed, and besought + his adored Lavinia to taste a leetle drop. Lavinia's reply was, "Don't—go + away—don't tease, Horace," and so forth. And, when not wanted, the + gentle creature subsided on the bench, by his wife's feet, and was sick in + silence. + </p> + <p> + [Mem—In married life, it seems to me, that it is almost always + Milliken and wife, or just the contrary. The angels minister to the + tyrants; or the gentle, hen-pecked husband cowers before the superior + partlet. If ever I marry, I know the sort of woman I will choose; and I + won't try her temper by over-indulgence, and destroy her fine qualities by + a ruinous subserviency to her wishes.] + </p> + <p> + Little Miss Fanny stayed on deck, as well as her sister, and looked at the + stars of heaven, as they began to shine there, and at the Foreland lights + as we passed them. I would have talked with her; I would have suggested + images of poesy, and thoughts of beauty; I would have whispered the word + of sentiment—the delicate allusion—the breathing of the soul + that longs to find a congenial heart—the sorrows and aspirations of + the wounded spirit, stricken and sad, yet not QUITE despairing; still + knowing that the hope-plant lurked in its crushed ruins—still able + to gaze on the stars and the ocean, and love their blazing sheen, their + boundless azure. I would, I say, have taken the opportunity of that stilly + night to lay bare to her the treasures of a heart that, I am happy to say, + is young still; but circumstances forbade the frank outpouring of my poet + soul: in a word, I was obliged to go and lie down on the flat of my back, + and endeavor to control OTHER emotions which struggled in my breast. + </p> + <p> + Once, in the night-watches, I arose, and came on deck; the vessel was not, + methought, pitching much; and yet—and yet Neptune was inexorable. + The placid stars looked down, but they gave me no peace. Lavinia Milliken + seemed asleep, and her Horace, in a death-like torpor, was huddled at her + feet. Miss Fanny had quitted the larboard side of the ship, and had gone + to starboard; and I thought that there was a gentleman beside her; but I + could not see very clearly, and returned to the horrid crib, where Lankin + was asleep, and the German fiddler underneath him was snoring like his own + violoncello. + </p> + <p> + In the morning we were all as brisk as bees. We were in the smooth waters + of the lazy Scheldt. The stewards began preparing breakfast with that + matutinal eagerness which they always show. The sleepers in the cabin were + roused from their horse-hair couches by the stewards' boys nudging, and + pushing, and flapping table-cloths over them. I shaved and made a neat + toilette, and came upon deck just as we lay off that little Dutch fort, + which is, I dare say, described in "Murray's Guide-book," and about which + I had some rare banter with poor Hicks and Lady Kicklebury, whose sense of + humor is certainly not very keen. He had, somehow, joined her ladyship's + party, and they were looking at the fort, and its tri-colored flag—that + floats familiar in Vandevelde's pictures—and at the lazy shipping, + and the tall roofs, and dumpy church towers, and flat pastures, lying + before us in a Cuyplike haze. + </p> + <p> + I am sorry to say, I told them the most awful fibs about that fort. How it + had been defended by the Dutch patriot, Van Swammerdam, against the united + forces of the Duke of Alva and Marshal Turenne, whose leg was shot off as + he was leading the last unsuccessful assault, and who turned round to his + aide-de-camp and said, "Allez dire an Premier Consul, que je meurs avec + regret de ne pas avoir assez fait pour la France!" which gave Lady + Kicklebury an opportunity to placer her story of the Duke of York, and the + bombardment of Valenciennes; and caused young Hicks to look at me in a + puzzled and appealing manner and hint that I was "chaffing." + </p> + <p> + "Chaffing indeed!" says I, with a particularly arch eye-twinkle at Miss + Fanny. "I wouldn't make fun of you, Captain Hicks! If you doubt my + historical accuracy, look at the 'Biographie Universelle.' I say—look + at the 'Biographie Universelle.'" + </p> + <p> + He said, "O—ah—the 'Biogwaphie Universelle' may be all vewy + well, and that; but I never can make out whether you are joking or not, + somehow; and I always fancy you are going to CAWICKACHAW me. Ha, ha!" And + he laughed, the good-natured dragoon laughed, and fancied he had made a + joke. + </p> + <p> + I entreated him not to be so severe upon me; and again he said, "Haw haw!" + and told me, "I mustn't expect to have it all MY OWN WAY, and if I gave a + hit, I must expect a Punch in return. Haw haw!" Oh, you honest young + Hicks! + </p> + <p> + Everybody, indeed, was in high spirits. The fog cleared off, the sun + shone, the ladies chatted and laughed, even Mrs. Milliken was in good + humor ("My wife is all intellect," Milliken says, looking at her with + admiration), and talked with us freely and gayly. She was kind enough to + say that it was a great pleasure to meet with a literary and well-informed + person—that one often lived with people that did not comprehend one. + She asked if my companion, that tall gentleman—Mr. Serjeant Lankin, + was he?—was literary. And when I said that Lankin knew more Greek, + and more Latin, and more law, and more history, and more everything, than + all the passengers put together, she vouchsafed to look at him with + interest, and enter into a conversation with my modest friend the + Serjeant. Then it was that her adoring husband said "his Lavinia was all + intellect;"—Lady Kicklebury saying that SHE was not a literary + woman: that in HER day few acquirements were requisite for the British + female; but that she knew THE SPIRIT OF THE AGE, and her DUTY AS A MOTHER, + and that "Lavinia and Fanny had had the best masters and the best + education which money and constant maternal solicitude could impart." If + our matrons are virtuous, as they are, and it is Britain's boast, permit + me to say that they certainly know it. + </p> + <p> + The conversation growing powerfully intellectual under Mrs. Milliken, poor + Hicks naturally became uneasy, and put an end to literature by admiring + the ladies' head-dresses. "Cab-heads, hoods, what do you call 'em?" he + asked of Miss Kicklebury. Indeed, she and her sister wore a couple of + those blue silk over-bonnets, which have lately become the fashion, and + which I never should have mentioned but for the young lady's reply. + </p> + <p> + "Those hoods!" she said—"WE CALL THOSE HOODS UGLIES! Captain Hicks." + </p> + <p> + Oh, how pretty she looked as she said it! The blue eyes looked up under + the blue hood, so archly and gayly; ever so many dimples began playing + about her face; her little voice rang so fresh and sweet, that a heart + which has never loved a tree or flower but the vegetable in question was + sure to perish—a heart worn down and sickened by repeated + disappointment, mockery, faithlessness—a heart whereof despair is an + accustomed tenant, and in whose desolate and lonely depths dwells an + abiding gloom, began to throb once more—began to beckon Hope from + the window—began to admit sunshine—began to—O Folly, + Folly! O Fanny! O Miss K., how lovely you looked as you said, "We call + those hoods Uglies!" Ugly indeed! + </p> + <p> + This is a chronicle of feelings and characters, not of events and places, + so much. All this time our vessel was making rapid way up the river, and + we saw before us the slim towers of the noble cathedral of Antwerp soaring + in the rosy sunshine. Lankin and I had agreed to go to the "Grand + Laboureur," or the Place de Meir. They give you a particular kind of + jam-tarts there—called Nun's tarts, I think—that I remember, + these twenty years, as the very best tarts—as good as the tarts + which we ate when we were boys. The "Laboureur" is a dear old quiet + comfortable hotel; and there is no man in England who likes a good dinner + better than Lankin. + </p> + <p> + "What hotel do you go to?" I asked of Lady Kicklebury. + </p> + <p> + "We go to the 'Saint Antoine' of course. Everybody goes to the 'Saint + Antoine,'" her ladyship said. "We propose to rest here; to do the + Rubens's; and to proceed to Cologne to-morrow. Horace, call Finch and + Bowman; and your courier, if he will have the condescension to wait upon + ME, will perhaps look to the baggage." + </p> + <p> + "I think, Lankin," said I, "as everybody seems going to the 'Saint + Antoine,' we may as well go, and not spoil the party." + </p> + <p> + "I think I'll go too," says Hicks; as if HE belonged to the party. + </p> + <p> + And oh, it was a great sight when we landed, and at every place at which + we paused afterwards, to see Hirsch over the Kicklebury baggage, and hear + his polyglot maledictions at the porters! If a man sometimes feels sad and + lonely at his bachelor condition, if SOME feelings of envy pervade his + heart, at seeing beauty on another's arm, and kind eyes directed towards a + happier mug than his own—at least there are some consolations in + travelling, when a fellow has but one little portmanteau or bag which he + can easily shoulder, and thinks of the innumerable bags and trunks which + the married man and the father drags after him. The married Briton on a + tour is but a luggage overseer: his luggage is his morning thought, and + his nightly terror. When he floats along the Rhine he has one eye on a + ruin, and the other on his luggage. When he is in the railroad he is + always thinking, or ordered by his wife to think, "is the luggage safe?" + It clings round him. It never leaves him (except when it DOES leave him, + as a trunk or two will, and make him doubly miserable). His carpet-bags + lie on his chest at night, and his wife's forgotten bandbox haunts his + turbid dreams. + </p> + <p> + I think it was after she found that Lady Kicklebury proposed to go to the + "Grand Saint Antoine" that Lady Knightsbridge put herself with her maid + into a carriage and went to the other inn. We saw her at the cathedral, + where she kept aloof from our party. Milliken went up the tower, and so + did Miss Fanny. I am too old a traveller to mount up those immeasurable + stairs, for the purpose of making myself dizzy by gazing upon a vast map + of low countries stretched beneath me, and waited with Mrs. Milliken and + her mother below. + </p> + <p> + When the tower-climbers descended, we asked Miss Fanny and her brother + what they had seen. + </p> + <p> + "We saw Captain Hicks up there," remarked Milliken. "And I am very glad + you didn't come, Lavinia my love. The excitement would have been too much + for you, quite too much." + </p> + <p> + All this while Lady Kicklebury was looking at Fanny, and Fanny was holding + her eyes down; and I knew that between her and this poor Hicks there could + be nothing serious, for she had laughed at him and mimicked him to me half + a dozen times in the course of the day. + </p> + <p> + We "do the Rubens's," as Lady Kicklebury says; we trudge from cathedral to + picture-gallery, from church to church. We see the calm old city, with its + towers and gables, the bourse, and the vast town-hall; and I have the + honor to give Lady Kicklebury my arm during these peregrinations, and to + hear a hundred particulars regarding her ladyship's life and family. How + Milliken has been recently building at Pigeoncot; how he will have two + thousand a year more when his uncle dies; how she had peremptorily to put + a stop to the assiduities of that unprincipled young man, Lord Roughhead, + whom Lavinia always detested, and who married Miss Brent out of sheer + pique. It was a great escape for her darling Lavinia. Roughhead is a most + wild and dissipated young man, one of Kicklebury's Christchurch friends, + of whom her son has too many, alas! and she enters into many particulars + respecting the conduct of Kicklebury—the unhappy boy's smoking, his + love of billiards, his fondness for the turf: she fears he has already + injured his income, she fears he is even now playing at Noirbourg; she is + going thither to wean him, if possible, from his companions and his + gayeties—what may not a mother effect? She only wrote to him the day + before they left London to announce that she was marching on him with her + family. He is in many respects like his poor father—the same + openness and frankness, the same easy disposition: alas! the same love of + pleasure. But she had reformed the father, and will do her utmost to call + back her dear misguided boy. She had an advantageous match for him in view—a + lady not beautiful in person, it is true, but possessed of every good + principle, and a very, very handsome fortune. It was under pretence of + flying from this lady that Kicklebury left town. But she knew better. + </p> + <p> + I say young men will be young men, and sow their wild oats; and think to + myself that the invasion of his mamma will be perhaps more surprising than + pleasant to young Sir Thomas Kicklebury, and that she possibly talks about + herself and her family, and her virtues and her daughters, a little too + much: but she WILL make a confidant of me, and all the time we are doing + the Rubens's she is talking of the pictures at Kicklebury, of her portrait + by Lawrence, pronounced to be his finest work, of Lavinia's talent for + drawing, and the expense of Fanny's music-masters; of her house in town + (where she hopes to see me); of her parties which were stopped by the + illness of her butler. She talks Kicklebury until I am sick. And oh, Miss + Fanny, all of this I endure, like an old fool, for an occasional sight of + your bright eyes and rosy face! + </p> + <p> + [Another parenthesis.—"We hope to see you in town, Mr. Titmarsh." + Foolish mockery! If all the people whom one has met abroad, and who have + said, "We hope to meet you often in town," had but made any the slightest + efforts to realize their hopes by sending a simple line of invitation + through the penny post, what an enormous dinner acquaintance one would + have had! But I mistrust people who say, "We hope to see you in town."] + </p> + <p> + Lankin comes in at the end of the day, just before dinnertime. He has + paced the whole town by himself—church, tower, and fortifications, + and Rubens, and all. He is full of Egmont and Alva. He is up to all the + history of the siege, when Chassee defended, and the French attacked the + place. After dinner we stroll along the quays; and over the quiet cigar in + the hotel court, Monsieur Lankin discourses about the Rubens pictures, in + a way which shows that the learned Serjeant has an eye for pictorial + beauty as well as other beauties in this world, and can rightly admire the + vast energy, the prodigal genius, the royal splendor of the King of + Antwerp. In the most modest way in the world he has remarked a student + making clever sketches at the Museum, and has ordered a couple of copies + from him of the famous Vandyke and the wondrous adoration of the Magi, "a + greater picture," says he, "than even the cathedral picture; in which + opinion those may agree who like." He says he thinks Miss Kicklebury is a + pretty little thing; that all my swans are geese; and that as for that old + woman, with her airs and graces, she is the most intolerable old nuisance + in the world. There is much good judgment, but there is too much sardonic + humor about Lankin. He cannot appreciate women properly. He is spoiled by + being an old bachelor, and living in that dingy old Pump Court; where, by + the way, he has a cellar fit for a Pontiff. We go to rest; they have given + us humble lodgings high up in the building, which we accept like + philosophers who travel with but a portmanteau apiece. The Kickleburys + have the grand suite, as becomes their dignity. Which, which of those + twinkling lights illumines the chamber of Miss Fanny? + </p> + <p> + Hicks is sitting in the court too, smoking his cigar. He and Lankin met in + the fortifications. Lankin says he is a sensible fellow, and seems to know + his profession. "Every man can talk well about something," the Serjeant + says. "And one man can about everything," says I; at which Lankin blushes; + and we take our flaring tallow candles and go to bed. He has us up an hour + before the starting time, and we have that period to admire Herr + Oberkellner, who swaggers as becomes the Oberkellner of a house frequented + by ambassadors; who contradicts us to our faces, and whose own countenance + is ornamented with yesterday's beard, of which, or of any part of his + clothing, the graceful youth does not appear to have divested himself + since last we left him. We recognize, somewhat dingy and faded, the + elaborate shirt-front which appeared at yesterday's banquet. Farewell, + Herr Oberkellner! May we never see your handsome countenance, washed or + unwashed, shaven or unshorn, again! + </p> + <p> + Here come the ladies: "Good morning, Miss Fanny. I hope you slept well, + Lady Kicklebury?" "A tremendous bill?" "No wonder; how can you expect + otherwise, when you have such a bad dinner?" Hearken to Hirsch's + comminations over the luggage! Look at the honest Belgian soldiers, and + that fat Freyschutz on guard, his rifle in one hand, and the other hand in + his pocket. Captain Hicks bursts into a laugh at the sight of the fat + Freyschutz, and says, "By Jove, Titmarsh, you must cawickachaw him." And + we take our seats at length and at leisure, and the railway trumpets blow, + and (save for a brief halt) we never stop till night, trumpeting by green + flats and pastures, by broad canals and old towns, through Liege and + Verviers, through Aix and Cologne, till we are landed at Bonn at + nightfall. + </p> + <p> + We all have supper, or tea—we have become pretty intimate—we + look at the strangers' book, as a matter of course, in the great room of + the "Star Hotel." Why, everybody is on the Rhine! Here are the names of + half one's acquaintance. + </p> + <p> + "I see Lord and Lady Exborough are gone on," says Lady Kicklebury, whose + eye fastens naturally on her kindred aristocracy. "Lord and Lady Wyebridge + and suite, Lady Zedland and her family." + </p> + <p> + "Hallo! here's Cutler of the Onety-oneth, and MacMull of the Greens, en + route to Noirbourg," says Hicks, confidentially. "Know MacMull? Devilish + good fellow—such a fellow to smoke." + </p> + <p> + Lankin, too, reads and grins. "Why, are they going the Rhenish circuit?" + he says, and reads: + </p> + <p> + Sir Thomas Minos, Lady Minos, nebst Begleitung, aus England. + </p> + <p> + Sir John AEacus, mit Familie und Dienerschaft, aus England. + </p> + <p> + Sir Roger Raadamanthus. + </p> + <p> + Thomas Smith, Serjeant. + </p> + <p> + Serjeant Brown and Mrs. Brown, aus England. + </p> + <p> + Serjeant Tomkins, Anglais. Madame Tomkins, Mesdemoiselles Tomkins. + </p> + <p> + Monsieur Kewsy, Conseiller de S. M. la Reine d'Angleterre. Mrs. Kewsy, + three Miss Kewsys. + </p> + <p> + And to this list Lankin, laughing, had put down his own name, and that of + the reader's obedient servant, under the august autograph of Lady + Kicklebury, who signed for herself, her son-in-law, and her suite. + </p> + <p> + Yes, we all flock the one after the other, we faithful English folks. We + can buy Harvey Sauce, and Cayenne Pepper, and Morison's Pills, in every + city in the world. We carry our nation everywhere with us; and are in our + island, wherever we go. Toto divisos orbe—always separated from the + people in the midst of whom we are. + </p> + <p> + When we came to the steamer next morning, "the castled crag of + Drachenfels" rose up in the sunrise before, and looked as pink as the + cheeks of Master Jacky, when they have been just washed in the morning. + How that rosy light, too, did become Miss Fanny's pretty dimples, to be + sure! How good a cigar is at the early dawn! I maintain that it has a + flavor which it does not possess at later hours, and that it partakes of + the freshness of all Nature. And wine, too: wine is never so good as at + breakfast; only one can't drink it, for tipsiness's sake. + </p> + <p> + See! there is a young fellow drinking soda-water and brandy already. He + puts down his glass with a gasp of satisfaction. It is evident that he had + need of that fortifier and refresher. He puts down the beaker and says, + "How are you, Titmarsh? I was SO cut last night. My eyes, wasn't I! Not in + the least: that's all." + </p> + <p> + It is the youthful descendant and heir of an ancient line: the noble Earl + of Grimsby's son, Viscount Talboys. He is travelling with the Rev. Baring + Leader, his tutor; who, having a great natural turn and liking towards the + aristocracy, and having inspected Lady Kicklebury's cards on her trunks, + has introduced himself to her ladyship already, and has inquired after Sir + Thomas Kicklebury, whom he remembers perfectly, and whom he had often the + happiness of meeting when Sir Thomas was an undergraduate at Oxford. There + are few characters more amiable, and delightful to watch and contemplate, + than some of those middle-aged Oxford bucks who hang about the university + and live with the young tufts. Leader can talk racing and boating with the + fastest young Christchurch gentleman. Leader occasionally rides to cover + with Lord Talboys; is a good shot, and seldom walks out without a setter + or a spaniel at his heels. Leader knows the "Peerage" and the "Racing + Calendar" as well as the Oxford cram-books. Leader comes up to town and + dines with Lord Grimsby. Leader goes to Court every two years. He is the + greatest swell in his common-room. He drinks claret, and can't stand + port-wine any longer; and the old fellows of his college admire him, and + pet him, and get all their knowledge of the world and the aristocracy from + him. I admire those kind old dons when they appear affable and jaunty, men + of the world, members of the "Camford and Oxbridge Club," upon the London + pavement. I like to see them over the Morning Post in the common-room; + with a "Ha, I see Lady Rackstraw has another daughter." "Poppleton there + has been at another party at X—— House, and YOU weren't asked, + my boy."—"Lord Coverdale has got a large party staying at Coverdale. + Did you know him at Christchurch? He was a very handsome man before he + broke his nose fighting the bargeman at Iffly: a light weight, but a + beautiful sparrer," &c. Let me add that Leader, although he does love + a tuft, has a kind heart: as his mother and sisters in Yorkshire know; as + all the village knows too—which is proud of his position in the + great world, and welcomes him very kindly when he comes down and takes the + duty at Christmas, and preaches to them one or two of "the very sermons + which Lord Grimsby was good enough to like, when I delivered them at + Talboys." + </p> + <p> + "You are not acquainted with Lord Talboys?" Leader asks, with a degage + air. "I shall have much pleasure in introducing you to him. Talboys, let + me introduce you to Lady Kicklebury. Sir Thomas Kicklebury was not at + Christchurch in your time; but you have heard of him, I dare say. Your son + has left a reputation at Oxford." + </p> + <p> + "I should think I have, too. He walked a hundred miles in a hundred hours. + They said he bet that he'd drink a hundred pints of beer in a hundred + hours: but I don't think he could do it—not strong beer; don't think + any man could. The beer here isn't worth a—" + </p> + <p> + "My dear Talboys," says Leader, with a winning smile, "I suppose Lady + Kicklebury is not a judge of beer—and what an unromantic subject of + conversation here, under the castled crag immortalized by Byron." + </p> + <p> + "What the deuce does it mean about peasant-girls with dark blue eyes, and + hands that offer corn and wine?" asks Talboys. "I'VE never seen any + peasant-girls, except the—ugliest set of women I ever looked at." + </p> + <p> + "The poet's license. I see, Miliken, you are making a charming sketch. You + used to draw when you were at Brasenose, Milliken; and play—yes, you + played the violoncello." + </p> + <p> + Mr. Milliken still possessed these accomplishments. He was taken up that + very evening by a soldier at Coblentz, for making a sketch of + Ehrenbreitstein. Mrs. Milliken sketches immensely too, and writes poetry: + such dreary pictures, such dreary poems! but professional people are + proverbially jealous; and I doubt whether our fellow-passenger, the + German, would even allow that Milliken could play the violoncello. + </p> + <p> + Lady Kicklebury gives Miss Fanny a nudge when Lord Talboys appears, and + orders her to exert all her fascinations. How the old lady coaxes, and she + wheedles! She pours out the Talboys' pedigree upon him; and asks after his + aunt, and his mother's family. Is he going to Noirbourg? How delightful! + There is nothing like British spirits; and to see an English matron well + set upon a young man of large fortune and high rank, is a great and + curious sight. + </p> + <p> + And yet, somehow, the British doggedness does not always answer. "Do you + know that old woman in the drab jacket, Titmarsh?" my hereditary + legislator asks of me. "What the devil is she bothering ME for, about my + aunts, and setting her daughter at me? I ain't such a fool as that. I + ain't clever, Titmarsh; I never said I was. I never pretend to be clever, + and that—but why does that old fool bother ME, hay? Heigho! I'm + devilish thirsty. I was devilish cut last night. I think I must have + another go-off. Hallo you! Kellner! Garsong! Ody soda, Oter petty vare do + dyvee de Conac. That's your sort; isn't it, Leader?" + </p> + <p> + "You will speak French well enough, if you practise," says Leader with a + tender voice; "practice is everything. Shall we dine at the table-d'hote? + Waiter! put down the name of Viscount Talboys and Mr. Leader, if you + please." + </p> + <p> + The boat is full of all sorts and conditions of men. For'ard, there are + peasants and soldiers: stumpy, placid-looking little warriors for the most + part, smoking feeble cigars and looking quite harmless under their + enormous helmets. A poor stunted dull-looking boy of sixteen, staggering + before a black-striped sentry-box, with an enormous musket on his + shoulder, does not seem to me a martial or awe-inspiring object. Has it + not been said that we carry our prejudices everywhere, and only admire + what we are accustomed to admire in our own country? + </p> + <p> + Yonder walks a handsome young soldier who has just been marrying a wife. + How happy they seem! and how pleased that everybody should remark their + happiness. It is a fact that in the full sunshine, and before a couple of + hundred people on board the Joseph Miller steamer, the soldier absolutely + kissed Mrs. Soldier; at which the sweet Fanny Kicklebury was made to + blush. + </p> + <p> + We were standing together looking at the various groups: the pretty + peasant-woman (really pretty for once,) with the red head-dress and + fluttering ribbons, and the child in her arms; the jolly fat old + gentleman, who was drinking Rhine-wine before noon, and turning his back + upon all the castles, towers, and ruins, which reflected their crumbling + peaks in the water; upon the handsome young students who came with us from + Bonn, with their national colors in their caps, with their picturesque + looks, their yellow ringlets, their budding moustaches, and with cuts upon + almost every one of their noses, obtained in duels at the university: most + picturesque are these young fellows, indeed—but ah, why need they + have such black hands? + </p> + <p> + Near us is a type, too: a man who adorns his own tale, and points his own + moral. "Yonder, in his carriage, sits the Count de Reineck, who won't + travel without that dismal old chariot, though it is shabby, costly, and + clumsy, and though the wicked red republicans come and smoke under his + very nose. Yes, Miss Fanny, it is the lusty young Germany, pulling the + nose of the worn-out old world." + </p> + <p> + "Law, what DO you mean, Mr. Titmarsh?" cries the dear Fanny. + </p> + <p> + "And here comes Mademoiselle de Reineck, with her companion. You see she + is wearing out one of the faded silk gowns which she has spoiled at the + Residenz during the season: for the Reinecks are economical, though they + are proud; and forced, like many other insolvent grandees, to do and to + wear shabby things. + </p> + <p> + "It is very kind of the young countess to call her companion 'Louise,' and + to let Louise call her 'Laure;' but if faces may be trusted,—and we + can read in one countenance conceit and tyranny; deceit and slyness in + another,—dear Louise has to suffer some hard raps from dear Laure: + and, to judge from her dress, I don't think poor Louise has her salary + paid very regularly. + </p> + <p> + "What a comfort it is to live in a country where there is neither + insolence nor bankruptcy among the great folks, nor cringing, nor flattery + among the small. Isn't it, Miss Fanny?" + </p> + <p> + Miss Fanny says, that she can't understand whether I am joking or serious; + and her mamma calls her away to look at the ruins of Wigginstein. + Everybody looks at Wigginstein. You are told in Murray to look at + Wigginstein. + </p> + <p> + Lankin, who has been standing by, with a grin every now and then upon his + sardonic countenance, comes up and says, "Titmarsh, how can you be so + impertinent?" + </p> + <p> + "Impertinent! as how?" + </p> + <p> + "The girl must understand what you mean; and you shouldn't laugh at her + own mother to her. Did you ever see anything like the way in which that + horrible woman is following the young lord about?" + </p> + <p> + "See! You see it every day, my dear fellow; only the trick is better done, + and Lady Kicklebury is rather a clumsy practitioner. See! why nobody is + better aware of the springes which are set to catch him than that young + fellow himself, who is as knowing as any veteran in May Fair. And you + don't suppose that Lady Kicklebury fancies that she is doing anything + mean, or anything wrong? Heaven bless you! she never did anything wrong in + her life. She has no idea but that everything she says, and thinks, and + does is right. And no doubt she never did rob a church: and was a faithful + wife to Sir Thomas, and pays her tradesmen. Confound her virtue! It is + that which makes her so wonderful—that brass armor in which she + walks impenetrable—not knowing what pity is, or charity; crying + sometimes when she is vexed, or thwarted, but laughing never; cringing, + and domineering by the same natural instinct—never doubting about + herself above all. Let us rise, and revolt against those people, Lankin. + Let us war with them, and smite them utterly. It is to use against these, + especially, that Scorn and Satire were invented." + </p> + <p> + "And the animal you attack," says Lankin, "is provided with a hide to + defend him—it is a common ordinance of nature." + </p> + <p> + And so we pass by tower and town, and float up the Rhine. We don't + describe the river. Who does not know it? How you see people asleep in the + cabins at the most picturesque parts, and angry to be awakened when they + fire off those stupid guns for the echoes! It is as familiar to numbers of + people as Greenwich; and we know the merits of the inns along the road as + if they were the "Trafalgar" or the "Star and Garter." How stale + everything grows! If we were to live in a garden of Eden, now, and the + gate were open, we should go out, and tramp forward, and push on, and get + up early in the morning, and push on again—anything to keep moving, + anything to get a change: anything but quiet for the restless children of + Cain. + </p> + <p> + So many thousands of English folks have been at Rougetnoirbourg in this + and last seasons, that it is scarcely needful to alter the name of that + pretty little gay, wicked place. There were so many British barristers + there this year that they called the "Hotel des Quatre Saisons" the "Hotel + of Quarter Sessions." There were judges and their wives, serjeants and + their ladies, Queen's counsel learned in the law, the Northern circuit and + the Western circuit: there were officers of half-pay and full-pay, + military officers, naval officers, and sheriffs' officers. There were + people of high fashion and rank, and people of no rank at all; there were + men and women of reputation, and of the two kinds of reputation; there + were English boys playing cricket; English pointers putting up the German + partridges, and English guns knocking them down; there were women whose + husbands, and men whose wives were at home; there were High Church and Low + Church—England turned out for a holiday, in a word. How much farther + shall we extend our holiday ground, and where shall we camp next? A winter + at Cairo is nothing now. Perhaps ere long we shall be going to Saratoga + Springs, and the Americans coming to Margate for the summer. + </p> + <p> + Apartments befitting her dignity and the number of her family had been + secured for Lady Kicklebury by her dutiful son, in the same house in which + one of Lankin's friends had secured for us much humbler lodgings. + Kicklebury received his mother's advent with a great deal of good humor; + and a wonderful figure the good-natured little baronet was when he + presented himself to his astonished friends, scarcely recognizable by his + own parent and sisters, and the staring retainers of their house. + </p> + <p> + "Mercy, Kicklebury! have you become a red republican?" his mother asked. + </p> + <p> + "I can't find a place to kiss you," said Miss Fanny, laughing to her + brother; and he gave her pretty cheek such a scrub with his red beard, as + made some folks think it would be very pleasant to be Miss Fanny's + brother. + </p> + <p> + In the course of his travels, one of Sir Thomas Kicklebury's chief + amusements and cares had been to cultivate this bushy auburn ornament. He + said that no man could pronounce German properly without a beard to his + jaws; but he did not appear to have got much beyond this preliminary step + to learning; and, in spite of his beard, his honest English accent came + out, as his jolly English face looked forth from behind that fierce and + bristly decoration, perfectly good-humored and unmistakable. We try our + best to look like foreigners, but we can't. Every Italian mendicant or + Pont Neuf beggar knows his Englishman in spite of blouse, and beard, and + slouched hat. "There is a peculiar high-bred grace about us," I whisper to + Lady Kicklebury, "an aristocratic je ne scais quoi, which is not to be + found in any but Englishmen; and it is that which makes us so immensely + liked and admired all over the Continent." Well, this may be truth or joke—this + may be a sneer or a simple assertion: our vulgarities and our insolences + may, perhaps, make us as remarkable as that high breeding which we assume + to possess. It may be that the Continental society ridicules and detests + us, as we walk domineering over Europe; but, after all, which of us would + denationalize himself? who wouldn't be an Englishman? Come, sir, + cosmopolite as you are, passing all your winters at Rome or at Paris; + exiled by choice, or poverty, from your own country; preferring easier + manners, cheaper pleasures, a simpler life: are you not still proud of + your British citizenship? and would you like to be a Frenchman? + </p> + <p> + Kicklebury has a great acquaintance at Noirbourg, and as he walks into the + great concert-room at night, introducing his mother and sisters there, he + seemed to look about with a little anxiety, lest all of his acquaintance + should recognize him. There are some in that most strange and motley + company with whom he had rather not exchange salutations, under present + circumstances. Pleasure-seekers from every nation in the world are here, + sharpers of both sexes, wearers of the stars and cordons of every court in + Europe; Russian princesses, Spanish grandees, Belgian, French, and English + nobles, every degree of Briton, from the ambassador, who has his conge, to + the London apprentice who has come out for his fortnight's lark. + Kicklebury knows them all, and has a good-natured nod for each. + </p> + <p> + "Who is that lady with the three daughters who saluted you, Kicklebury?" + asks his mother. + </p> + <p> + "That is our Ambassadress at X., ma'am. I saw her yesterday buying a penny + toy for one of her little children in Frankfort Fair." + </p> + <p> + Lady Kicklebury looks towards Lady X.: she makes her excellency an + undeveloped curtsy, as it were; she waves her plumed head (Lady K. is got + up in great style, in a rich dejeuner toilette, perfectly regardless of + expense); she salutes the ambassadress with a sweeping gesture from her + chair, and backs before her as before royalty, and turns to her daughters + large eyes full of meaning, and spreads out her silks in state. + </p> + <p> + "And who is that distinguished-looking man who just passed, and who gave + you a reserved nod?" asks her ladyship. "Is that Lord X.?" + </p> + <p> + Kicklebury burst out laughing. "That, ma'am, is Mr. Higmore, of Conduit + Street, tailor, draper, and habit-maker: and I owe him a hundred pound." + </p> + <p> + "The insolence of that sort of people is really intolerable," says Lady + Kicklebury. "There MUST be some distinction of classes. They ought not to + be allowed to go everywhere. And who is yonder, that lady with the two + boys and the—the very high complexion?" Lady Kicklebury asks. + </p> + <p> + "That is a Russian princess: and one of those little boys, the one who is + sucking a piece of barley-sugar, plays, and wins five hundred louis in a + night." + </p> + <p> + "Kicklebury, you do not play? Promise your mother you do not! Swear to me + at this moment you do not! Where are the horrid gambling-rooms? There, at + that door where the crowd is? Of course, I shall never enter them!" + </p> + <p> + "Of course not, ma'am," says the affectionate son on duty. "And if you + come to the balls here, please don't let Fanny dance with anybody, until + you ask me first: you understand. Fanny, you will take care." + </p> + <p> + "Yes, Tom," says Fanny. + </p> + <p> + "What, Hicks, how are you, old fellow? How is Platts? Who would have + thought of you being here? When did you come?" + </p> + <p> + "I had the pleasure of travelling with Lady Kicklebury and her daughters + in the London boat to Antwerp," says Captain Hicks, making the ladies a + bow. Kicklebury introduces Hicks to his mother as his most particular + friend—and he whispers Fanny that "he's as good a fellow as ever + lived, Hicks is." Fanny says, "He seems very kind and good-natured: and—and + Captain Hicks waltzes very well," says Miss Fanny with a blush, "and I + hope I may have him for one of my partners." + </p> + <p> + What a Babel of tongues it is in this splendid hall with gleaming marble + pillars: a ceaseless rushing whisper as if the band were playing its music + by a waterfall! The British lawyers are all got together, and my friend + Lankin, on his arrival, has been carried off by his brother serjeants, and + becomes once more a lawyer. "Well, brother Lankin," says old Sir Thomas + Minos, with his venerable kind face, "you have got your rule, I see." And + they fall into talk about their law matters, as they always do, wherever + they are—at a club, in a ball-room, at a dinner-table, at the top of + Chimborazo. Some of the young barristers appear as bucks with uncommon + splendor, and dance and hang about the ladies. But they have not the easy + languid deuce-may-care air of the young bucks of the Hicks and Kicklebury + school—they can't put on their clothes with that happy negligence; + their neck-cloths sit quite differently on them, somehow: they become very + hot when they dance, and yet do not spin round near so quickly as those + London youths, who have acquired experience in corpore vili, and learned + to dance easily by the practice of a thousand casinos. + </p> + <p> + Above the Babel tongues and the clang of the music, as you listen in the + great saloon, you hear from a neighboring room a certain sharp ringing + clatter, and a hard clear voice cries out, "Zero rouge," or "Trente-cinq + noir. Impair et passe." And then there is a pause of a couple of minutes, + and then the voice says, "Faites le jeu, Messieurs. Le jeu est fait, rien + ne va plus"—and the sharp ringing clatter recommences. You know what + that room is? That is Hades. That is where the spirited proprietor of the + establishment takes his toll, and thither the people go who pay the money + which supports the spirited proprietor of this fine palace and gardens. + Let us enter Hades, and see what is going on there. + </p> + <p> + Hades is not an unpleasant place. Most of the people look rather cheerful. + You don't see any frantic gamblers gnashing their teeth or dashing down + their last stakes. The winners have the most anxious faces; or the poor + shabby fellows who have got systems, and are pricking down the + alternations of red and black on cards, and don't seem to be playing at + all. On fete days the country people come in, men and women, to gamble; + and THEY seem to be excited as they put down their hard-earned florins + with trembling rough hands, and watch the turn of the wheel. But what you + call the good company is very quiet and easy. A man loses his mass of + gold, and gets up and walks off, without any particular mark of despair. + The only gentleman whom I saw at Noirbourg who seemed really affected was + a certain Count de Mustacheff, a Russian of enormous wealth, who clenched + his fists, beat his breast, cursed his stars, and absolutely cried with + grief: not for losing money, but for neglecting to win and play upon a + coup de vingt, a series in which the red was turned up twenty times + running: which series, had he but played, it is clear that he might have + broken M. Lenoir's bank, and shut up the gambling-house, and doubled his + own fortune—when he would have been no happier, and all the balls + and music, all the newspaper-rooms and parks, all the feasting and + pleasure of this delightful Rougetnoirbourg would have been at an end. + </p> + <p> + For though he is a wicked gambling prince, Lenoir, he is beloved in all + these regions; his establishment gives life to the town, to the + lodging-house and hotel-keepers, to the milliners and hackney-coachmen, to + the letters of horse-flesh, to the huntsmen and gardes-de-chasse; to all + these honest fiddlers and trumpeters who play so delectably. Were Lenoir's + bank to break, the whole little city would shut up; and all the + Noirbourgers wish him prosperity, and benefit by his good fortune. + </p> + <p> + Three years since the Noirbourgers underwent a mighty panic. There came, + at a time when the chief Lenoir was at Paris, and the reins of government + were in the hands of his younger brother, a company of adventurers from + Belgium, with a capital of three hundred thousand francs, and an + infallible system for playing rouge et noir, and they boldly challenged + the bank of Lenoir, and sat down before his croupiers, and defied him. + They called themselves in their pride the Contrebanque de Noirbourg: they + had their croupiers and punters, even as Lenoir had his: they had their + rouleaux of Napoleons, stamped with their Contrebanquish seal:—and + they began to play. + </p> + <p> + As when two mighty giants step out of a host and engage, the armies stand + still in expectation, and the puny privates and commonalty remain quiet to + witness the combat of the tremendous champions of the war: so it is said + that when the Contrebanque arrived, and ranged itself before the officers + of Lenoir—rouleau to rouleau, bank-note to bank-note, war for war, + controlment for controlment—all the minor punters and gamblers + ceased their peddling play, and looked on in silence, round the verdant + plain where the great combat was to be decided. + </p> + <p> + Not used to the vast operations of war, like his elder brother, Lenoir + junior, the lieutenant, telegraphed to his absent chief the news of the + mighty enemy who had come down upon him, asked for instructions, and in + the meanwhile met the foe-man like a man. The Contrebanque of Noirbourg + gallantly opened its campaign. + </p> + <p> + The Lenoir bank was defeated day after day, in numerous savage encounters. + The tactics of the Contrebanquist generals were irresistible: their + infernal system bore down everything before it, and they marched onwards + terrible and victorious as the Macedonian phalanx. Tuesday, a loss of + eighteen thousand florins; Wednesday, a loss of twelve thousand florins; + Thursday, a loss of forty thousand florins: night after night, the young + Lenoir had to chronicle these disasters in melancholy despatches to his + chief. What was to be done? Night after night, the Noirbourgers retired + home doubtful and disconsolate; the horrid Contrebanquists gathered up + their spoils and retired to a victorious supper. How was it to end? + </p> + <p> + Far away at Paris, the elder Lenoir answered these appeals of his brother + by sending reinforcements of money. Chests of gold arrived for the bank. + The Prince of Noirbourg bade his beleaguered lieutenant not to lose heart: + he himself never for a moment blenched in this trying hour of danger. + </p> + <p> + The Contrebanquists still went on victorious. Rouleau after rouleau fell + into their possession. At last the news came: The Emperor has joined the + Grand Army. Lenoir himself had arrived from Paris, and was once more among + his children, his people. The daily combats continued: and still, still, + though Napoleon was with the Eagles, the abominable Contrebanquists fought + and conquered. And far greater than Napoleon, as great as Ney himself + under disaster, the bold Lenoir never lost courage, never lost good-humor, + was affable, was gentle, was careful of his subjects' pleasures and + comforts, and met an adverse fortune with a dauntless smile. + </p> + <p> + With a devilish forbearance and coolness, the atrocious Contrebanque—like + Polyphemus, who only took one of his prisoners out of the cave at a time, + and so ate them off at leisure—the horrid Contrebanquists, I say, + contented themselves with winning so much before dinner, and so much + before supper—say five thousand florins for each meal. They played + and won at noon: they played and won at eventide. They of Noirbourg went + home sadly every night: the invader was carrying all before him. What must + have been the feelings of the great Lenoir? What were those of Washington + before Trenton, when it seemed all up with the cause of American + Independence; what those of the virgin Elizabeth, when the Armada was + signalled; what those of Miltiades, when the multitudinous Persian bore + down on Marathon? The people looked on at the combat, and saw their + chieftain stricken, bleeding, fallen, fighting still. + </p> + <p> + At last there came one day when the Contrebanquists had won their allotted + sum, and were about to leave the tables which they had swept so often. But + pride and lust of gold had seized upon the heart of one of their + vainglorious chieftains; and he said, "Do not let us go yet—let us + win a thousand florins more!" So they stayed and set the bank yet a + thousand florins. The Noirbourgers looked on, and trembled for their + prince. + </p> + <p> + Some three hours afterwards—a shout, a mighty shout was heard around + the windows of that palace: the town, the gardens, the hills, the + fountains took up and echoed the jubilant acclaim. Hip, hip, hip, hurrah, + hurrah, hurrah! People rushed into each other's arms; men, women, and + children cried and kissed each other. Croupiers, who never feel, who never + tremble, who never care whether black wins or red loses, took snuff from + each other's boxes, and laughed for joy; and Lenoir the dauntless, the + INVINCIBLE Lenoir, wiped the drops of perspiration from his calm forehead, + as he drew the enemy's last rouleau into his till. He had conquered. The + Persians were beaten, horse and foot—the Armada had gone down. Since + Wellington shut up his telescope at Waterloo, when the Prussians came + charging on to the field, and the Guard broke and fled, there had been no + such heroic endurance, such utter defeat, such signal and crowning + victory. Vive Lenoir! I am a Lenoirite. I have read his newspapers, + strolled in his gardens, listened to his music, and rejoice in his + victory: I am glad he beat those Contrebanquists. Dissipati sunt. The game + is up with them. + </p> + <p> + The instances of this man's magnanimity are numerous, and worthy of + Alexander the Great, or Harry the Fifth, or Robin Hood. Most gentle is he, + and thoughtful to the poor, and merciful to the vanquished. When Jeremy + Diddler, who had lost twenty pounds at his table, lay in inglorious pawn + at his inn—when O'Toole could not leave Noirbourg until he had + received his remittances from Ireland—the noble Lenoir paid + Diddler's inn bill, advanced O'Toole money upon his well-known signature, + franked both of them back to their native country again; and has never, + wonderful to state, been paid from that day to this. If you will go play + at his table, you may; but nobody forces you. If you lose, pay with a + cheerful heart. Dulce est desipere in loco. This is not a treatise of + morals. Friar Tuck was not an exemplary ecclesiastic, nor Robin Hood a + model man; but he was a jolly outlaw; and I dare say the Sheriff of + Nottingham, whose money he took, rather relished his feast at Robin's + green table. + </p> + <p> + And if you lose, worthy friend, as possibly you will, at Lenoir's pretty + games, console yourself by thinking that it is much better for you in the + end that you should lose, than that you should win. Let me, for my part, + make a clean breast of it, and own that your humble servant did, on one + occasion, win a score of Napoleons; and beginning with a sum of no less + than five shillings. But until I had lost them again I was so feverish, + excited, and uneasy, that I had neither delectation in reading the most + exciting French novels, nor pleasure in seeing pretty landscapes, nor + appetite for dinner. The moment, however, that graceless money was gone, + equanimity was restored: Paul Feval and Eugene Sue began to be + terrifically interesting again; and the dinners at Noirbourg, though by no + means good culinary specimens, were perfectly sufficient for my easy and + tranquil mind. Lankin, who played only a lawyer's rubber at whist, marked + the salutary change in his friend's condition; and, for my part, I hope + and pray that every honest reader of this volume who plays at M. Lenoir's + table will lose every shilling of his winnings before he goes away. Where + are the gamblers whom we have read of? Where are the card-players whom we + can remember in our early days? At one time almost every gentleman played, + and there were whist-tables in every lady's drawing-room. But trumps are + going out along with numbers of old-world institutions; and, before very + long, a blackleg will be as rare an animal as a knight in armor. + </p> + <p> + There was a little dwarfish, abortive, counter bank set up at Noirbourg + this year: but the gentlemen soon disagreed among themselves; and, let us + hope, were cut off in detail by the great Lenoir. And there was a + Frenchman at our inn who had won two Napoleons per day for the last six + weeks, and who had an infallible system, whereof he kindly offered to + communicate the secret for the consideration of a hundred louis; but there + came one fatal night when the poor Frenchman's system could not make head + against fortune, and her wheel went over him, and he disappeared utterly. + </p> + <p> + With the early morning everybody rises and makes his or her appearance at + the Springs, where they partake of water with a wonderful energy and + perseverance. They say that people get to be fond of this water at last; + as to what tastes cannot men accustom themselves? I drank a couple of + glasses of an abominable sort of feeble salts in a state of very gentle + effervescence; but, though there was a very pretty girl who served it, the + drink was abominable, and it was a marvel to see the various topers, who + tossed off glass after glass, which the fair-haired little Hebe delivered + sparkling from the well. + </p> + <p> + Seeing my wry faces, old Captain Carver expostulated, with a jolly twinkle + of his eye, as he absorbed the contents of a sparkling crystal beaker. + "Pooh! take another glass, sir: you'll like it better and better every + day. It refreshes you, sir: it fortifies you: and as for liking it—gad! + I remember the time when I didn't like claret. Times are altered now, ha! + ha! Mrs. Fantail, madam, I wish you a very good morning. How is Fantail? + He don't come to drink the water: so much the worse for him." + </p> + <p> + To see Mrs. Fantail of an evening is to behold a magnificent sight. She + ought to be shown in a room by herself; and, indeed, would occupy a + moderate-sized one with her person and adornments. Marie Antoinette's hoop + is not bigger than Mrs. Fantail's flounces. Twenty men taking hands (and, + indeed, she likes to have at least that number about her) would scarcely + encompass her. Her chestnut ringlets spread out in a halo round her face: + she must want two or three coiffeurs to arrange that prodigious + head-dress; and then, when it is done, how can she endure that + extraordinary gown? Her travelling bandboxes must be as large as + omnibuses. + </p> + <p> + But see Mrs. Fantail in the morning, having taken in all sail: the + chestnut curls have disappeared, and two limp bands of brown hair border + her lean, sallow face; you see before you an ascetic, a nun, a woman worn + by mortifications, of a sad yellow aspect, drinking salts at the well: a + vision quite different from that rapturous one of the previous night's + ball-room. No wonder Fantail does not come out of a morning; he had rather + not see such a Rebecca at the well. + </p> + <p> + Lady Kicklebury came for some mornings pretty regularly, and was very + civil to Mr. Leader, and made Miss Fanny drink when his lordship took a + cup, and asked Lord Talboys and his tutor to dinner. But the tutor came, + and, blushing, brought an excuse from Talboys; and poor Milliken had not a + very pleasant evening after Mr. Baring Leader rose to go away. + </p> + <p> + But though the water was not good the sun was bright, the music cheery, + the landscape fresh and pleasant, and it was always amusing to see the + vast varieties of our human species that congregated at the Springs, and + trudged up and down the green allees. One of the gambling conspirators of + the roulette-table it was good to see here, in his private character, + drinking down pints of salts like any other sinner, having a homely wife + on his arm, and between them a poodle on which they lavished their + tenderest affection. You see these people care for other things besides + trumps; and are not always thinking about black and red:—as even + ogres are represented, in their histories, as of cruel natures, and + licentious appetites, and, to be sure, fond of eating men and women; but + yet it appears that their wives often respected them, and they had a + sincere liking for their own hideous children. And, besides the + card-players, there are band-players: every now and then a fiddle from the + neighboring orchestra, or a disorganized bassoon, will step down and drink + a glass of the water, and jump back into his rank again. + </p> + <p> + Then come the burly troops of English, the honest lawyers, merchants, and + gentlemen, with their wives and buxom daughters, and stout sons, that, + almost grown to the height of manhood, are boys still, with rough + wide-awake hats and shooting-jackets, full of lark and laughter. A French + boy of sixteen has had des passions ere that time, very likely, and is + already particular in his dress, an ogler of the women, and preparing to + kill. Adolphe says to Alphonse—"La voila cette charmante Miss Fanni, + la belle Kickleburi! je te donne ma parole, elle est fraiche comme une + rose! la crois-tu riche, Alphonse?" "Je me range, mon ami, vois-tu? La vie + de garcon me pese. Ma parole d'honneur! je me range." + </p> + <p> + And he gives Miss Fanny a killing bow, and a glance which seems to say, + "Sweet Anglaise, I know that I have won your heart." + </p> + <p> + Then besides the young French buck, whom we will willingly suppose + harmless, you see specimens of the French raff, who goes aux eaux: + gambler, speculator, sentimentalist, duellist, travelling with madame his + wife, at whom other raffs nod and wink familiarly. This rogue is much more + picturesque and civilized than the similar person in our own country: + whose manners betray the stable; who never reads anything but Bell's Life; + and who is much more at ease in conversing with a groom than with his + employer. Here come Mr. Boucher and Mr. Fowler: better to gamble for a + score of nights with honest Monsieur Lenoir, than to sit down in private + once with those gentlemen. But we have said that their profession is going + down, and the number of Greeks daily diminishes. They are travelling with + Mr. Bloundell, who was a gentleman once, and still retains about him some + faint odor of that time of bloom; and Bloundell has put himself on young + Lord Talboys, and is trying to get some money out of that young nobleman. + But the English youth of the present day is a wide-awake youth, and male + or female artifices are expended pretty much in vain on our young + travelling companion. + </p> + <p> + Who come yonder? Those two fellows whom we met at the table-d'hote at the + "Hotel de Russie" the other day: gentlemen of splendid costume, and yet + questionable appearances, the eldest of whom called for the list of wines, + and cried out loud enough for all the company to hear, "Lafite, six + florins. 'Arry, shall we have some Lafite? You don't mind? No more do I + then. I say, waiter, let's 'ave a pint of ordinaire." Truth is stranger + than fiction. You good fellow, wherever you are, why did you ask 'Arry to + 'ave that pint of ordinaire in the presence of your obedient servant? How + could he do otherwise than chronicle the speech? + </p> + <p> + And see: here is a lady who is doubly desirous to be put into print, who + encourages it and invites it. It appears that on Lankin's first arrival at + Noirbourg with his travelling companion, a certain sensation was created + in the little society by the rumor that an emissary of the famous Mr. + Punch had arrived in the place; and, as we were smoking the cigar of peace + on the lawn after dinner, looking on at the benevolent, pretty scene, Mrs. + Hopkins, Miss Hopkins, and the excellent head of the family, walked many + times up and down before us; eyed us severely face to face, and then + walking away, shot back fierce glances at us in the Parthian manner; and + at length, at the third or fourth turn, and when we could not but overhear + so fine a voice, Mrs. Hopkins looks at us steadily, and says, "I'm sure he + may put ME in if he likes: I don't mind." + </p> + <p> + Oh, ma'am! Oh, Mrs. Hopkins! how should a gentleman, who had never seen + your face or heard of you before, want to put YOU in? What interest can + the British public have in you? But as you wish it, and court publicity, + here you are. Good luck go with you, madam. I have forgotten your real + name, and should not know you again if I saw you. But why could not you + leave a man to take his coffee and smoke his pipe in quiet? + </p> + <p> + We could never have time to make a catalogue of all the portraits that + figure in this motley gallery. Among the travellers in Europe, who are + daily multiplying in numbers and increasing in splendor, the United + States' dandies must not be omitted. They seem as rich as the Milor of old + days; they crowd in European capitals; they have elbowed out people of the + old country from many hotels which we used to frequent; they adopt the + French fashion of dressing rather than ours, and they grow handsomer + beards than English beards: as some plants are found to flourish and shoot + up prodigiously when introduced into a new soil. The ladies seem to be as + well dressed as Parisians, and as handsome; though somewhat more delicate, + perhaps, than the native English roses. They drive the finest carriages, + they keep the grandest houses, they frequent the grandest company—and, + in a word, the Broadway Swell has now taken his station and asserted his + dignity amongst the grandees of Europe. He is fond of asking Count Reineck + to dinner, and Grafinn Laura will condescend to look kindly upon a + gentleman who has millions of dollars. Here comes a pair of New Yorkers. + Behold their elegant curling beards, their velvet coats, their delicate + primrose gloves and cambric handkerchiefs, and the aristocratic beauty of + their boots. Why, if you had sixteen quarterings, you could not have + smaller feet than those; and if you were descended from a line of kings + you could not smoke better or bigger cigars. + </p> + <p> + Lady Kicklebury deigns to think very well of these young men, since she + has seen them in the company of grandees and heard how rich they are. "Who + is that very stylish-looking woman, to whom Mr. Washington Walker spoke + just now?" she asks of Kicklebury. + </p> + <p> + Kicklebury gives a twinkle of his eye. "Oh, that, mother! that is Madame + La Princesse de Mogador—it's a French title." + </p> + <p> + "She danced last night, and danced exceedingly well; I remarked her. + There's a very high-bred grace about the princess." + </p> + <p> + "Yes, exceedingly. We'd better come on," says Kicklebury, blushing rather + as he returns the princess's nod. + </p> + <p> + It is wonderful how large Kicklebury's acquaintance is. He has a word and + a joke, in the best German he can muster, for everybody—for the high + well-born lady, as for the German peasant maiden, or the pretty little + washerwoman, who comes full sail down the streets, a basket on her head + and one of Mrs. Fantail's wonderful gowns swelling on each arm. As we were + going to the Schloss-Garten I caught a sight of the rogue's grinning face + yesterday, close at little Gretel's ear under her basket; but spying out + his mother advancing, he dashed down a bystreet, and when we came up with + her, Gretel was alone. + </p> + <p> + One but seldom sees the English and the holiday visitors in the ancient + parts of Noirbourg; they keep to the streets of new buildings and garden + villas, which have sprung up under the magic influence of M. Lenoir, under + the white towers and gables of the old German town. The Prince of Trente + et Quarante has quite overcome the old serene sovereign of Noirbourg, whom + one cannot help fancying a prince like a prince in a Christmas pantomime—a + burlesque prince with twopence-halfpenny for a revenue, jolly and + irascible, a prime-minister-kicking prince, fed upon fabulous + plum-puddings and enormous pasteboard joints, by cooks and valets with + large heads which never alter their grin. Not that this portrait is from + the life. Perhaps he has no life. Perhaps there is no prince in the great + white tower, that we see for miles before we enter the little town. + Perhaps he has been mediatized, and sold his kingdom to Monsieur Lenoir. + Before the palace of Lenoir there is a grove of orange-trees in tubs, + which Lenoir bought from another German prince; who went straightway and + lost the money, which he had been paid for his wonderful orange-trees, + over Lenoir's green tables, at his roulette and trente-et-quarante. A + great prince is Lenoir in his way; a generous and magnanimous prince. You + may come to his feast and pay nothing, unless you please. You may walk in + his gardens, sit in his palace, and read his thousand newspapers. You may + go and play at whist in his small drawing-rooms, or dance and hear + concerts in his grand saloon—and there is not a penny to pay. His + fiddlers and trumpeters begin trumpeting and fiddling for you at the early + dawn—they twang and blow for you in the afternoon, they pipe for you + at night that you may dance—and there is nothing to pay—Lenoir + pays for all. Give him but the chances of the table, and he will do all + this and more. It is better to live under Prince Lenoir than a fabulous + old German Durchlaucht whose cavalry ride wicker horses with petticoats, + and whose prime minister has a great pasteboard head. Vive le Prince + Lenoir! + </p> + <p> + There is a grotesque old carved gate to the palace of the Durchlaucht, + from which you could expect none but a pantomime procession to pass. The + place looks asleep; the courts are grass-grown and deserted. Is the + Sleeping Beauty lying yonder, in the great white tower? What is the little + army about? It seems a sham army: a sort of grotesque military. The only + charge of infantry was this: one day when passing through the old town, + looking for sketches. Perhaps they become croupiers at night. What can + such a fabulous prince want with anything but a sham army? My favorite + walk was in the ancient quarter of the town—the dear old fabulous + quarter, away from the noisy actualities of life and Prince Lenoir's new + palace—out of eye and earshot of the dandies and the ladies in their + grand best clothes at the promenades—and the rattling whirl of the + roulette wheel—and I liked to wander in the glum old gardens under + the palace wall, and imagine the Sleeping Beauty within there. + </p> + <p> + Some one persuaded us one day to break the charm, and see the interior of + the palace. I am sorry we did. There was no Sleeping Beauty in any chamber + that we saw; nor any fairies, good or malevolent. There was a shabby set + of clean old rooms, which looked as if they had belonged to a prince hard + put to it for money, and whose tin crown jewels would not fetch more than + King Stephen's pantaloons. A fugitive prince, a brave prince struggling + with the storms of fate, a prince in exile may be poor; but a prince + looking out of his own palace windows with a dressing-gown out at elbows, + and dunned by his subject washerwoman—I say this is a painful + object. When they get shabby they ought not to be seen. "Don't you think + so, Lady Kicklebury?" Lady Kicklebury evidently had calculated the price + of the carpets and hangings, and set them justly down at a low figure. + "These German princes," she said, "are not to be put on a level with + English noblemen." "Indeed," we answer, "there is nothing so perfect as + England: nothing so good as our aristocracy; nothing so perfect as our + institutions." "Nothing! NOTHING!" says Lady K. + </p> + <p> + An English princess was once brought to reign here; and almost the whole + of the little court was kept upon her dowry. The people still regard her + name fondly; and they show, at the Schloss, the rooms which she inhabited. + Her old books are still there—her old furniture brought from home; + the presents and keepsakes sent by her family are as they were in the + princess's lifetime: the very clock has the name of a Windsor maker on its + face; and portraits of all her numerous race decorate the homely walls of + the now empty chambers. There is the benighted old king, his beard hanging + down to the star on his breast; and the first gentleman of Europe—so + lavish of his portrait everywhere, and so chary of showing his royal + person—all the stalwart brothers of the now all but extinct + generation are there; their quarrels and their pleasures, their glories + and disgraces, enemies, flatterers, detractors, admirers—all now + buried. Is it not curious to think that the King of Trumps now virtually + reigns in this place, and has deposed the other dynasty? + </p> + <p> + Very early one morning, wishing to have a sketch of the White Tower in + which our English princess had been imprisoned, I repaired to the gardens, + and set about a work, which, when completed, will no doubt have the honor + of a place on the line at the Exhibition; and, returning homewards to + breakfast, musing upon the strange fortunes and inhabitants of the queer, + fantastic, melancholy place, behold, I came suddenly upon a couple of + persons, a male and a female; the latter of whom wore a blue hood or + "ugly," and blushed very much on seeing me. The man began to laugh behind + his moustaches, the which cachinnation was checked by an appealing look + from the young lady; and he held out his hand and said, "How d'ye do, + Titmarsh? Been out making some cawickachaws, hay?" + </p> + <p> + I need not say that the youth before me was the heavy dragoon, and that + the maiden was Miss Fanny Kicklebury. Or need I repeat that, in the course + of my blighted being, I never loved a young gazelle to glad me with its + dark blue eye, but when it came to, &c., the usual disappointment, was + sure to ensue? There is no necessity why I should allude to my feelings at + this most manifest and outrageous case. I gave a withering glance of scorn + at the pair, and, with a stately salutation, passed on. + </p> + <p> + Miss Fanny came tripping after me. She held out her little hand with such + a pretty look of deprecation, that I could not but take it; and she said, + "Mr. Titmarsh, if you please, I want to speak to you, if you please;" and, + choking with emotion, I bade her speak on. + </p> + <p> + "My brother knows all about it, and, highly approves of Captain Hicks," + she said, with her head hanging down; "and oh, he's very good and kind: + and I know him MUCH better now, than I did when we were on board the + steamer." + </p> + <p> + I thought how I had mimicked him, and what an ass I had been. + </p> + <p> + "And you know," she continued, "that you have quite deserted me for the + last ten days for your great acquaintances." + </p> + <p> + "I have been to play chess with Lord Knightsbridge, who has the gout." + </p> + <p> + "And to drink tea constantly with that American lady; and you have written + verses in her album; and in Lavinia's album; and as I saw that you had + quite thrown me off, why I—my brother approves of it highly; and—and + Captain Hicks likes you very much, and says you amuse him very much—indeed + he does," says the arch little wretch. And then she added a postscript, as + it were to her letter, which contained, as usual, the point which she + wished to urge:— + </p> + <p> + "You—won't break it to mamma—will you be so kind? My brother + will do that"—and I promised her; and she ran away, kissing her hand + to me. And I did not say a word to Lady Kicklebury, and not above a + thousand people at Noirbourg knew that Miss Kicklebury and Captain Hicks + were engaged. + </p> + <p> + And now let those who are too confident of their virtue listen to the + truthful and melancholy story which I have to relate, and humble + themselves, and bear in mind that the most perfect among us are + occasionally liable to fall. Kicklebury was not perfect,—I do not + defend his practice. He spent a great deal more time and money than was + good for him at M. Lenoir's gaming-table, and the only thing which the + young fellow never lost was his good humor. If Fortune shook her swift + wings and fled away from him, he laughed at the retreating pinions, and + you saw him dancing and laughing as gayly after losing a rouleau, as if he + was made of money, and really had the five thousand a year which his + mother said was the amount of the Kicklebury property. But when her + ladyship's jointure, and the young ladies' allowances, and the interest of + mortgages were paid out of the five thousand a year, I grieve to say that + the gallant Kicklebury's income was to be counted by hundreds and not by + thousands; so that, for any young lady who wants a carriage (and who can + live without one?) our friend the baronet is not a desirable specimen of + bachelors. Now, whether it was that the presence of his mamma interrupted + his pleasures, or certain of her ways did not please him, or that he had + lost all his money at roulette and could afford no more, certain it is, + that after about a fortnight's stay at Noirbourg, he went off to shoot + with Count Einhorn in Westphalia; he and Hicks parting the dearest of + friends, and the baronet going off on a pony which the captain lent to + him. Between him and Millikin, his brother-in-law, there was not much + sympathy: for he pronounced Mr. Milliken to be what is called a muff; and + had never been familiar with his elder sister Lavinia, of whose poems he + had a mean opinion, and who used to tease and worry him by teaching him + French, and telling tales of him to his mamma, when he was a schoolboy + home for the holidays. Whereas, between the baronet and Miss Fanny there + seemed to be the closest affection: they walked together every morning to + the waters; they joked and laughed with each other as happily as possible. + Fanny was almost ready to tell fibs to screen her brother's malpractices + from her mamma: she cried when she heard of his mishaps, and that he had + lost too much money at the green table; and when Sir Thomas went away, the + good little soul brought him five louis; which was all the money she had: + for you see she paid her mother handsomely for her board; and when her + little gloves and milliner's bills were settled how much was there left + out of two hundred a year? And she cried when she heard that Hicks had + lent Sir Thomas money, and went up and said, "Thank you, Captain Hicks;" + and shook hands with the captain so eagerly, that I thought he was a lucky + fellow, who had a father a wealthy attorney in Bedford Row. Heighho! I saw + how matters were going. The birds MUST sing in the spring-time, and the + flowers bud. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Milliken, in her character of invalid, took the advantage of her + situation to have her husband constantly about her, reading to her, or + fetching the doctor to her, or watching her whilst she was dozing, and so + forth; and Lady Kicklebury found the life which this pair led rather more + monotonous than that sort of existence which she liked, and would leave + them alone with Fanny (Captain Hicks not uncommonly coming in to take tea + with the three), whilst her ladyship went to the Redoute to hear the + music, or read the papers, or play a game of whist there. + </p> + <p> + The newspaper-room at Noirbourg is next to the roulette-room, into which + the doors are always open; and Lady K. would come, with newspaper in hand, + into this play-room, sometimes, and look on at the gamesters. I have + mentioned a little Russian boy, a little imp with the most mischievous + intelligence and good humor in his face, who was suffered by his parents + to play as much as he chose, and who pulled bonbons out of one pocket and + Napoleons out of the other, and seemed to have quite a diabolical luck at + the table. + </p> + <p> + Lady Kicklebury's terror and interest at seeing this boy were extreme. She + watched him and watched him, and he seemed always to win; and at last her + ladyship put down just a florin—only just one florin—on one of + the numbers at roulette which the little Russian imp was backing. Number + twenty-seven came up, and the croupiers flung over three gold pieces and + five florins to Lady Kicklebury, which she raked up with a trembling hand. + </p> + <p> + She did not play any more that night, but sat in the playroom, pretending + to read the Times newspaper; but you could see her eye peering over the + sheet, and always fixed on the little imp of a Russian. He had very good + luck that night, and his winning made her very savage. As he retired, + rolling his gold pieces into his pocket and sucking his barley-sugar, she + glared after him with angry eyes; and went home, and scolded everybody, + and had no sleep. I could hear her scolding. Our apartments in the + Tissisch House overlooked Lady Kicklebury's suite of rooms: the great + windows were open in the autumn. Yes; I could hear her scolding, and see + some other people sitting whispering in the embrasure, or looking out on + the harvest moon. + </p> + <p> + The next evening, Lady Kicklebury shirked away from the concert; and I saw + her in the play-room again, going round and round the table; and, lying in + ambush behind the Journal des Debats, I marked how, after looking + stealthily round, my lady whipped a piece of money under the croupier's + elbow, and (there having been no coin there previously) I saw a florin on + the Zero. + </p> + <p> + She lost that, and walked away. Then she came back and put down two + florins on a number, and lost again, and became very red and angry; then + she retreated, and came back a third time, and a seat being vacated by a + player, Lady Kicklebury sat down at the verdant board. Ah me! She had a + pretty good evening, and carried off a little money again that night. The + next day was Sunday: she gave two florins at the collection at church, to + Fanny's surprise at mamma's liberality. On this night of course there was + no play. Her ladyship wrote letters, and read a sermon. + </p> + <p> + But the next night she was back at the table; and won very plentifully, + until the little Russian sprite made his appearance, when it seemed that + her luck changed. She began to bet upon him, and the young Calmuck lost + too. Her ladyship's temper went along with her money: first she backed the + Calmuck, and then she played against him. When she played against him, his + luck turned; and he began straightway to win. She put on more and more + money as she lost: her winnings went: gold came out of secret pockets. She + had but a florin left at last, and tried it on a number, and failed. She + got up to go away. I watched her, and I watched Mr. Justice Aeacus, too, + who put down a Napoleon when he thought nobody was looking. + </p> + <p> + The next day my Lady Kicklebury walked over to the money-changers, where + she changed a couple of circular notes. She was at the table that night + again: and the next night, and the next night, and the next. + </p> + <p> + By about the fifth day she was like a wild woman. She scolded so, that + Hirsch, the courier, said he should retire from monsieur's service, as he + was not hired by Lady Kicklebury: that Bowman gave warning, and told + another footman in the building that he wouldn't stand the old cat no + longer, blow him if he would: that the maid (who was a Kicklebury girl) + and Fanny cried: and that Mrs. Milliken's maid, Finch, complained to her + mistress, who ordered her husband to remonstrate with her mother. Milliken + remonstrated with his usual mildness, and, of course, was routed by her + ladyship. Mrs. Milliken said, "Give me the daggers," and came to her + husband's rescue. A battle royal ensued; the scared Milliken hanging about + his blessed Lavinia, and entreating and imploring her to be calm. Mrs. + Milliken WAS calm. She asserted her dignity as mistress of her own family: + as controller of her own household, as wife of her adored husband; and she + told her mamma, that with her or here she must not interfere; that she + knew her duty as a child: but that she also knew it as a wife, as a— + The rest of the sentence was drowned, as Milliken, rushing to her, called + her his soul's angel, his adored blessing. + </p> + <p> + Lady Kicklebury remarked that Shakspeare was very right in stating how + much sharper than a thankless tooth it is to have a serpent child. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Milliken said, the conversation could not be carried on in this + manner: that it was best her mamma should now know, once for all, that the + way in which she assumed the command at Pigeoncot was intolerable; that + all the servants had given warning, and it was with the greatest + difficulty they could be soothed: and that, as their living together only + led to quarrels and painful recriminations (the calling her, after her + forbearance, A SERPENT CHILD, was an expression which she would hope to + forgive and forget,) they had better part. + </p> + <p> + Lady Kicklebury wears a front, and, I make no doubt, a complete jasey; or + she certainly would have let down her back hair at this minute, so + overpowering were her feelings, and so bitter her indignation at her + daughter's black ingratitude. She intimated some of her sentiments, by + ejaculatory conjurations of evil. She hoped her daughter might NOT feel + what ingratitude was; that SHE might never have children to turn on her + and bring her to the grave with grief. + </p> + <p> + "Bring me to the grave with fiddlestick!" Mrs. Milliken said with some + asperity. "And, as we are going to part, mamma, and as Horace has paid + EVERYTHING on the journey as yet, and we have only brought a VERY few + circular notes with us, perhaps you will have the kindness to give him + your share of the travelling expenses—for you, for Fanny, and your + two servants whom you WOULD bring with you: and the man has only been a + perfect hindrance and great useless log, and our courier has had to do + EVERYTHING. Your share is now eighty-two pounds." + </p> + <p> + Lady Kicklebury at this gave three screams, so loud that even the resolute + Lavinia stopped in her speech. Her ladyship looked wildly: "Lavinia! + Horace! Fanny my child," she said, "come here, and listen to your mother's + shame." + </p> + <p> + "What?" cried Horace, aghast. + </p> + <p> + "I am ruined! I am a beggar! Yes; a beggar. I have lost all—all at + yonder dreadful table." + </p> + <p> + "How do you mean all? How much is all?" asked Horace. + </p> + <p> + "All the money I brought with me, Horace. I intended to have paid the + whole expenses of the journey: yours, this ungrateful child's—everything. + But, a week ago, having seen a lovely baby's lace dress at the lace-shop; + and—and—won enough at wh—wh—whoo—ist to pay + for it, all but two—two florins—in an evil moment I went to + the roulette-table—and lost—every shilling: and now, on may + knees before you, I confess my shame." + </p> + <p> + I am not a tragic painter, and certainly won't attempt to depict THIS + harrowing scene. But what could she mean by saying she wished to pay + everything? She had but two twenty-pound notes: and how she was to have + paid all the expenses of the tour with that small sum, I cannot + conjecture. + </p> + <p> + The confession, however, had the effect of mollifying poor Milliken and + his wife: after the latter had learned that her mamma had no money at all + at her London bankers', and had overdrawn her account there, Lavinia + consented that Horace should advance her fifty pounds upon her ladyship's + solemn promise of repayment. + </p> + <p> + And now it was agreed that this highly respectable lady should return to + England, quick as she might: somewhat sooner than all the rest of the + public did; and leave Mr. and Mrs. Horace Milliken behind her, as the + waters were still considered highly salutary to that most interesting + invalid. And to England Lady Kicklebury went; taking advantage of Lord + Talboys' return thither to place herself under his lordship's protection; + as if the enormous Bowman was not protector sufficient for her ladyship; + and as if Captain Hicks would have allowed any mortal man, any German + student, any French tourist, any Prussian whiskerando, to do a harm to + Miss Fanny! For though Hicks is not a brilliant or poetical genius, I am + bound to say that the fellow has good sense, good manners, and a good + heart; and with these qualities, a competent sum of money, and a pair of + exceedingly handsome moustaches, perhaps the poor little Mrs. Launcelot + Hicks may be happy. + </p> + <p> + No accident befell Lady Kicklebury on her voyage homewards: but she got + one more lesson at Aix-la-Chapelle, which may serve to make her ladyship + more cautious for the future: for, seeing Madame la Princesse de Mogador + enter into a carriage on the railway, into which Lord Talboys followed, + nothing would content Lady Kicklebury but to rush into the carriage after + this noble pair; and the vehicle turned out to be what is called on the + German lines, and what I wish were established in England, the Rauch + Coupe. Having seated himself in this vehicle, and looked rather sulkily at + my lady, Lord Talboys began to smoke: which, as the son of an English + earl, heir to many thousands per annum, Lady Kicklebury permitted him to + do. And she introduced herself to Madame la Princesse de Mogador, + mentioning to her highness that she had the pleasure of meeting Madame la + Princesse at Rougetnoirbourg; that she, Lady K., was the mother of the + Chevalier de Kicklebury, who had the advantage of the acquaintance of + Madame la Princesse; and that she hoped Madame la Princesse had enjoyed + her stay at the waters. To these advances the Princess of Mogador returned + a gracious and affable salutation, exchanging glances of peculiar meaning + with two highly respectable bearded gentlemen who travelled in her suite; + and, when asked by milady whereabouts her highness's residence was at + Paris, said that her hotel was in the Rue Notre Dame de Lorette: where + Lady Kicklebury hoped to have the honor of waiting upon Madame la + Princesse de Mogador. + </p> + <p> + But when one of the bearded gentlemen called the princess by the familiar + name of Fifine, and the other said, "Veux-tu fumer, Mogador?" and the + princess actually took a cigar and began to smoke, Lady Kicklebury was + aghast, and trembled; and presently Lord Talboys burst into a loud fit of + laughter. + </p> + <p> + "What is the cause of your lordship's amusement?" asked the dowager, + looking very much frightened, and blushing like a maiden of sixteen. + </p> + <p> + "Excuse me, Lady Kicklebury, but I can't help it," he said. "You've been + talking to your opposite neighbor—she don't understand a word of + English—and calling her princess and highness, and she's no more a + princess than you or I. She is a little milliner in the street she + mentioned, and she dances at Mabille and Chateau Rouge." + </p> + <p> + Hearing these two familiar names, the princess looked hard at Lord + Talboys, but he never lost countenance; and at the next station Lady + Kicklebury rushed out of the smoking-carriage and returned to her own + place; where, I dare say, Captain Hicks and Miss Fanny were delighted once + more to have the advantage of her company and conversation. And so they + went back to England, and the Kickleburys were no longer seen on the + Rhine. If her ladyship is not cured of hunting after great people, it will + not be for want of warning: but which of us in life has not had many + warnings: and is it for lack of them that we stick to our little failings + still? + </p> + <p> + When the Kickleburys were gone, that merry little Rougetnoirbourg did not + seem the same place to me, somehow. The sun shone still, but the wind came + down cold from the purple hills; the band played, but their tunes were + stale; the promenaders paced the alleys, but I knew all their faces: as I + looked out of my windows in the Tissisch house upon the great blank + casements lately occupied by the Kickleburys, and remembered what a pretty + face I had seen looking thence but a few days back, I cared not to look + any longer; and though Mrs. Milliken did invite me to tea, and talked fine + arts and poetry over the meal, both the beverage and the conversation + seemed very weak and insipid to me, and I fell asleep once in my chair + opposite that highly cultivated being. "Let us go back, Lankin," said I to + the Serjeant, and he was nothing loth; for most of the other serjeants, + barristers, and Queen's counsel were turning homewards, by this time, the + period of term time summoning them all to the Temple. + </p> + <p> + So we went straight one day to Biberich on the Rhine, and found the little + town full of Britons, all trooping home like ourselves. Everybody comes, + and everybody goes away again, at about the same time. The Rhine + innkeepers say that their customers cease with a single day almost:—that + in three days they shall have ninety, eighty, a hundred guests; on the + fourth, ten or eight. We do as our neighbors do. Though we don't speak to + each other much when we are out a-pleasuring, we take our holiday in + common, and go back to our work in gangs. Little Biberich was so full, + that Lankin and I could not get rooms at the large inns frequented by + other persons of fashion, and could only procure a room between us, "at + the German House, where you find English comfort," says the advertisement, + "with German prices." + </p> + <p> + But oh, the English comfort of those beds! How did Lankin manage in his, + with his great long legs? How did I toss and tumble in mine; which, small + as it was, I was not destined to enjoy alone, but to pass the night in + company with anthropophagous wretched reptiles, who took their horrid meal + off an English Christian! I thought the morning would never come; and when + the tardy dawn at length arrived, and as I was in my first sleep, dreaming + of Miss Fanny, behold I was wakened up by the Serjeant, already dressed + and shaven, and who said, "Rise, Titmarsh, the steamer will be here in + three-quarters of an hour." And the modest gentleman retired, and left me + to dress. + </p> + <p> + The next morning we had passed by the rocks and towers, the old familiar + landscapes, the gleaming towns by the riverside, and the green vineyards + combed along the hills, and when I woke up, it was at a great hotel at + Cologne, and it was not sunrise yet. + </p> + <p> + Deutz lay opposite, and over Deutz the dusky sky was reddened. The hills + were veiled in the mist and the gray. The gray river flowed underneath us; + the steamers were roosting along the quays, a light keeping watch in the + cabins here and there, and its reflections quivering in the water. As I + look, the sky-line towards the east grows redder and redder. A long troop + of gray horsemen winds down the river road, and passes over the bridge of + boats. You might take them for ghosts, those gray horsemen, so shadowy do + they look; but you hear the trample of their hoofs as they pass over the + planks. Every minute the dawn twinkles up into the twilight; and over + Deutz the heaven blushes brighter. The quays begin to fill with men: the + carts begin to creak and rattle, and wake the sleeping echoes. Ding, ding, + ding, the steamers' bells begin to ring: the people on board to stir and + wake: the lights may be extinguished, and take their turn of sleep: the + active boats shake themselves, and push out into the river: the great + bridge opens, and gives them passage: the church bells of the city begin + to clink: the cavalry trumpets blow from the opposite bank: the sailor is + at the wheel, the porter at his burden, the soldier at his musket, and the + priest at his prayers. . . . + </p> + <p> + And lo! in a flash of crimson splendor, with blazing scarlet clouds + running before his chariot, and heralding his majestic approach, God's sun + rises upon the world, and all nature wakens and brightens. + </p> + <p> + O glorious spectacle of light and life! O beatific symbol of Power, Love, + Joy, Beauty! Let us look at thee with humble wonder, and thankfully + acknowledge and adore. What gracious forethought is it—what generous + and loving provision, that deigns to prepare for our eyes and to soothe + our hearts with such a splendid morning festival! For these magnificent + bounties of heaven to us, let us be thankful, even that we can feel + thankful—(for thanks surely is the noblest effort, as it is the + greatest delight, of the gentle soul)—and so, a grace for this + feast, let all say who partake of it. + </p> + <p> + See! the mist clears off Drachenfels, and it looks out from the distance, + and bids us a friendly farewell. Farewell to holiday and sunshine; + farewell to kindly sport and pleasant leisure! Let us say good-by to the + Rhine, friend. Fogs, and cares, and labor are awaiting us by the Thames; + and a kind face or two looking out for us to cheer and bid us welcome. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0006" id="link2H_4_0006"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE ROSE AND THE RING: + </h2> + <h3> + A FIRE-SIDE PANTOMIME FOR GREAT AND SMALL CHILDREN. + </h3> + <p> + BY MR. M. A. TITMARSH PRELUDE + </p> + <p> + It happened that the undersigned spent the last Christmas season in a + foreign city where there were many English children. + </p> + <p> + In that city, if you wanted to give a child's party, you could not even + get a magic-lantern or buy Twelfth-Night characters—those funny + painted pictures of the King, the Queen, the Lover, the Lady, the Dandy, + the Captain, and so on—with which our young ones are wont to + recreate themselves at this festive time. + </p> + <p> + My friend Miss Bunch, who was governess of a large family that lived in + the Piano Nobile of the house inhabited by myself and my young charges (it + was the Palazzo Poniatowski at Rome, and Messrs. Spillmann, two of the + best pastry-cooks in Christendom, have their shop on the ground floor): + Miss Bunch, I say, begged me to draw a set of Twelfth-Night characters for + the amusement of our young people. + </p> + <p> + She is a lady of great fancy and droll imagination, and having looked at + the characters, she and I composed a history about them, which was recited + to the little folks at night, and served as our FIRE-SIDE PANTOMIME. + </p> + <p> + Our juvenile audience was amused by the adventures of Giglio and Bulbo, + Rosalba and Angelica. I am bound to say the fate of the Hall Porter + created a considerable sensation; and the wrath of Countess Gruffanuff was + received with extreme pleasure. + </p> + <p> + If these children are pleased, thought I, why should not others be amused + also? In a few days Dr. Birch's young friends will be expected to + reassemble at Rodwell Regis, where they will learn everything that is + useful, and under the eyes of careful ushers continue the business of + their little lives. + </p> + <p> + But, in the meanwhile, and for a brief holiday, let us laugh and be as + pleasant as we can. And you elder folk—a little joking, and dancing, + and fooling will do even you no harm. The author wishes you a merry + Christmas, and welcomes you to the Fire-side Pantomime. + </p> + <p> + M. A. TITMARSH. + </p> + <p> + December 1854. + </p> + <p> + THE ROSE AND THE RING I. SHOWS HOW THE ROYAL FAMILY SAT DOWN TO BREAKFAST + </p> + <p> + This is Valoroso XXIV., King of Paflagonia, seated with his Queen and only + child at their royal breakfast-table, and receiving the letter which + announces to his Majesty a proposed visit from Prince Bulbo, heir of + Padella, reigning King of Crim Tartary. Remark the delight upon the + monarch's royal features. He is so absorbed in the perusal of the King of + Crim Tartary's letter, that he allows his eggs to get cold, and leaves his + august muffins untasted. + </p> + <p> + "What! that wicked, brave, delightful Prince Bulbo!" cries Princess + Angelica; "so handsome, so accomplished, so witty—the conqueror of + Rimbombamento, where he slew ten thousand giants!" + </p> + <p> + "Who told you of him, my dear?" asks his Majesty. + </p> + <p> + "A little bird," says Angelica. + </p> + <p> + "Poor Giglio!" says mamma, pouring out the tea. + </p> + <p> + "Bother Giglio!" cries Angelica, tossing up her head, which rustled with a + thousand curl-papers. + </p> + <p> + "I wish," growls the King—"I wish Giglio was. . ." + </p> + <p> + "Was better? Yes, dear, he is better," says the Queen. "Angelica's little + maid, Betsinda, told me so when she came to my room this morning with my + early tea." + </p> + <p> + "You are always drinking tea," said the monarch, with a scowl. + </p> + <p> + "It is better than drinking port or brandy-and-water," replies her + Majesty. + </p> + <p> + "Well, well, my dear, I only said you were fond of drinking tea," said the + King of Paflagonia, with an effort as if to command his temper. "Angelica! + I hope you have plenty of new dresses; your milliners' bills are long + enough. My dear Queen, you must see and have some parties. I prefer + dinners, but of course you will be for balls. Your everlasting blue velvet + quite tires me: and, my love, I should like you to have a new necklace. + Order one. Not more than a hundred or a hundred and fifty thousand + pounds." + </p> + <p> + "And Giglio, dear?" says the Queen. + </p> + <p> + "GIGLIO MAY GO TO THE ——" + </p> + <p> + "Oh, sir!" screams her Majesty. "Your own nephew! our late King's only + son." + </p> + <p> + "Giglio may go to the tailor's, and order the bills to be sent in to + Glumboso to pay. Confound him! I mean bless his dear heart. He need want + for nothing; give him a couple of guineas for pocket-money, my dear; and + you may as well order yourself bracelets while you are about the necklace, + Mrs. V." + </p> + <p> + Her Majesty, or MRS. V., as the monarch facetiously called her (for even + royalty will have its sport, and this august family were very much + attached), embraced her husband, and, twining her arm round her daughter's + waist, they quitted the breakfast-room in order to make all things ready + for the princely stranger. + </p> + <p> + When they were gone, the smile that had lighted up the eyes of the HUSBAND + and FATHER fled—the pride of the KING fled—the MAN was alone. + Had I the pen of a G. P. R. James, I would describe Valoroso's torments in + the choicest language; in which I would also depict his flashing eye, his + distended nostril—his dressing-gown, pocket-handkerchief, and boots. + But I need not say I have NOT the pen of that novelist; suffice it to say, + Valoroso was alone. + </p> + <p> + He rushed to the cupboard, seizing from the table one of the many egg-cups + with which his princely board was served for the matin meal, drew out a + bottle of right Nantz or Cognac, filled and emptied the cup several times, + and laid it down with a hoarse "Ha, ha, ha! now Valoroso is a man again!" + </p> + <p> + "But oh!" he went on (still sipping, I am sorry to say), "ere I was a + king, I needed not this intoxicating draught; once I detested the hot + brandy wine, and quaffed no other fount but nature's rill. It dashes not + more quickly o'er the rocks than I did, as, with blunderbuss in hand, I + brushed away the early morning dew, and shot the partridge, snipe, or + antlered deer! Ah! well may England's dramatist remark, 'Uneasy lies the + head that wears a crown!' Why did I steal my nephew's, my young Giglio's—? + Steal! said I? no, no, no, not steal, not steal. Let me withdraw that + odious expression. I took, and on my manly head I set, the royal crown of + Paflagonia; I took, and with my royal arm I wield, the sceptral rod of + Paflagonia; I took, and in my outstretched hand I hold, the royal orb of + Paflagonia! Could a poor boy, a snivelling, drivelling boy—was in + his nurse's arms but yesterday, and cried for sugarplums and puled for pap—bear + up the awful weight of crown, orb, sceptre? gird on the sword my royal + fathers wore, and meet in fight the tough Crimean foe?" + </p> + <p> + And then the monarch went on to argue in his own mind (though we need not + say that blank verse is not argument) that what he had got it was his duty + to keep, and that, if at one time he had entertained ideas of a certain + restitution, which shall be nameless, the prospect by a CERTAIN MARRIAGE + of uniting two crowns and two nations which had been engaged in bloody and + expensive wars, as the Paflagonians and the Crimeans had been, put the + idea of Giglio's restoration to the throne out of the question: nay, were + his own brother, King Savio, alive, he would certainly will the crown from + his own son in order to bring about such a desirable union. + </p> + <p> + Thus easily do we deceive ourselves! Thus do we fancy what we wish is + right! The King took courage, read the papers, finished his muffins and + eggs, and rang the bell for his Prime Minister. The Queen, after thinking + whether she should go up and see Giglio, who had been sick, thought, "Not + now. Business first; pleasure afterwards. I will go and see dear Giglio + this afternoon; and now I will drive to the jeweller's, to look for the + necklace and bracelets." The Princess went up into her own room, and made + Betsinda, her maid, bring out all her dresses; and as for Giglio, they + forgot him as much as I forget what I had for dinner last Tuesday + twelve-month. + </p> + <p> + II. HOW KING VALOROSO GOT THE CROWN, AND PRINCE GIGLIO WENT WITHOUT. + </p> + <p> + Paflagonia, ten or twenty thousand years ago, appears to have been one of + those kingdoms where the laws of succession were not settled; for when + King Savio died, leaving his brother Regent of the kingdom, and guardian + of Savio's orphan infant, this unfaithful regent took no sort of regard of + the late monarch's will; had himself proclaimed sovereign of Paflagonia + under the title of King Valoroso XXIV., had a most splendid coronation, + and ordered all the nobles of the kingdom to pay him homage. So long as + Valoroso gave them plenty of balls at Court, plenty of money and lucrative + places, the Paflagonian nobility did not care who was king; and as for the + people, in those early times, they were equally indifferent. The Prince + Giglio, by reason of his tender age at his royal father's death, did not + feel the loss of his crown and empire. As long as he had plenty of toys + and sweetmeats, a holiday five times a week and a horse and gun to go out + shooting when he grew a little older, and, above all, the company of his + darling cousin, the King's only child, poor Giglio was perfectly + contented; nor did he envy his uncle the royal robes and sceptre, the + great hot uncomfortable throne of state, and the enormous cumbersome crown + in which that monarch appeared from morning till night. King Valoroso's + portrait has been left to us; and I think you will agree with me that he + must have been sometimes RATHER TIRED of his velvet, and his diamonds, and + his ermine, and his grandeur. I shouldn't like to sit in that stifling + robe with such a thing as that on my head. + </p> + <p> + No doubt, the Queen must have been lovely in her youth; for though she + grew rather stout in after life, yet her features, as shown in her + portrait, are certainly PLEASING. If she was fond of flattery, scandal, + cards, and fine clothes, let us deal gently with her infirmities, which, + after all, may be no greater than our own. She was kind to her nephew; and + if she had any scruples of conscience about her husband's taking the young + Prince's crown, consoled herself by thinking that the King, though a + usurper, was a most respectable man, and that at his death Prince Giglio + would be restored to his throne, and share it with his cousin, whom he + loved so fondly. + </p> + <p> + The Prime Minister was Glumboso, an old statesman, who most cheerfully + swore fidelity to King Valoroso, and in whose hands the monarch left all + the affairs of his kingdom. All Valoroso wanted was plenty of money, + plenty of hunting, plenty of flattery, and as little trouble as possible. + As long as he had his sport, this monarch cared little how his people paid + for it: he engaged in some wars, and of course the Paflagonian newspapers + announced that he had gained prodigious victories: he had statues erected + to himself in every city of the empire; and of course his pictures placed + everywhere, and in all the print-shops: he was Valoroso the Magnanimous, + Valoroso the Victorious, Valoroso the Great, and so forth;—for even + in these early times courtiers and people knew how to flatter. + </p> + <p> + This royal pair had one only child, the Princess Angelica, who, you may be + sure, was a paragon in the courtiers' eyes, in her parents', and in her + own. It was said she had the longest hair, the largest eyes, the slimmest + waist, the smallest foot, and the most lovely complexion of any young lady + in the Paflagonian dominions. Her accomplishments were announced to be + even superior to her beauty; and governesses used to shame their idle + pupils by telling them what Princess Angelica could do. She could play the + most difficult pieces of music at sight. She could answer any one of + "Mangnall's Questions." She knew every date in the history of Paflagonia, + and every other country. She knew French, English, Italian, German, + Spanish, Hebrew, Greek, Latin, Cappadocian, Samothracian, Aegean, and Crim + Tartar. In a word, she was a most accomplished young creature; and her + governess and lady-in-waiting was the severe Countess Gruffanuff. + </p> + <p> + Would you not fancy, from this picture, that Gruffanuff must have been a + person of highest birth? She looks so haughty that I should have thought + her a princess at the very least, with a pedigree reaching as far back as + the Deluge. But this lady was no better born than many other ladies who + give themselves airs; and all sensible people laughed at her absurd + pretensions. The fact is, she had been maid-servant to the Queen when her + Majesty was only Princess, and her husband had been head footman; but + after his death or DISAPPEARANCE, of which you shall hear presently, this + Mrs. Gruffanuff, by flattering, toadying, and wheedling her royal + mistress, became a favorite with the Queen (who was rather a weak woman), + and her Majesty gave her a title, and made her nursery governess to the + Princess. + </p> + <p> + And now I must tell you about the Princess's learning and accomplishments, + for which she had such a wonderful character. Clever Angelica certainly + was, but as IDLE AS POSSIBLE. Play at sight, indeed! she could play one or + two pieces, and pretend that she had never seen them before; she could + answer half a dozen "Mangnall's Questions;" but then you must take care to + ask the RIGHT ones. As for her languages, she had masters in plenty, but I + doubt whether she knew more than a few phrases in each, for all her + presence; and as for her embroidery and her drawing, she showed beautiful + specimens, it is true, but WHO DID THEM? + </p> + <p> + This obliges me to tell the truth, and to do so I must go back ever so + far, and tell you about the FAIRY BLACKSTICK. + </p> + <p> + III. TELLS WHO THE FAIRY BLACKSTICK WAS, AND WHO WERE EVER SO MANY GRAND + PERSONAGES BESIDES. + </p> + <p> + Between the kingdoms of Paflagonia and Crim Tartary, there lived a + mysterious personage, who was known in those countries as the Fairy + Blackstick, from the ebony wand or crutch which she carried; on which she + rode to the moon sometimes, or upon other excursions of business or + pleasure, and with which she performed her wonders. When she was young, + and had been first taught the art of conjuring by the necromancer, her + father, she was always practicing her skill, whizzing about from one + kingdom to another upon her black stick, and conferring her fairy favors + upon this Prince or that. She had scores of royal godchildren; turned + numberless wicked people into beasts, birds, millstones, clocks, pumps, + boot jacks, umbrellas, or other absurd shapes; and, in a word, was one of + the most active and officious of the whole college of fairies. + </p> + <p> + But after two or three thousand years of this sport, I suppose Blackstick + grew tired of it. Or perhaps she thought, "What good am I doing by sending + this Princess to sleep for a hundred years? by fixing a black pudding on + to that booby's nose? by causing diamonds and pearls to drop from one + little girl's mouth, and vipers and toads from another's? I begin to think + I do as much harm as good by my performances. I might as well shut my + incantations up, and allow things to take their natural course. + </p> + <p> + "There were my two young goddaughters, King Savio's wife, and Duke + Padella's wife: I gave them each a present, which was to render them + charming in the eyes of their husbands, and secure the affection of those + gentlemen as long as they lived. What good did my Rose and my Ring do + these two women? None on earth. From having all their whims indulged by + their husbands, they became capricious, lazy, ill-humored, absurdly vain, + and leered and languished, and fancied themselves irresistibly beautiful, + when they were really quite old and hideous, the ridiculous creatures! + They used actually to patronise me when I went to pay them a visit—ME, + the Fairy Blackstick, who knows all the wisdom of the necromancers, and + could have turned them into baboons, and all their diamonds into strings + of onions, by a single wave of my rod!" So she locked up her books in her + cupboard, declined further magical performances, and scarcely used her + wand at all except as a cane to walk about with. + </p> + <p> + So when Duke Padella's lady had a little son (the Duke was at that time + only one of the principal noblemen in Crim Tartary), Blackstick, although + invited to the christening, would not so much as attend; but merely sent + her compliments and a silver papboat for the baby, which was really not + worth a couple of guineas. About the same time the Queen of Paflagonia + presented his Majesty with a son and heir; and guns were fired, the + capital illuminated, and no end of feasts ordained to celebrate the young + Prince's birth. It was thought the fairy, who was asked to be his + godmother, would at least have presented him with an invisible jacket, a + flying horse, a Fortunatus's purse, or some other valuable token of her + favor; but instead, Blackstick went up to the cradle of the child Giglio, + when everybody was admiring him and complimenting his royal papa and + mamma, and said, "My poor child, the best thing I can send you is a little + MISFORTUNE;" and this was all she would utter, to the disgust of Giglio's + parents, who died very soon after, when Giglio's uncle took the throne, as + we read in Chapter I. + </p> + <p> + In like manner, when CAVOLFIORE, King of Crim Tartary, had a christening + of his only child, ROSALBA, the Fairy Blackstick, who had been invited, + was not more gracious than in Prince Giglio's case. Whilst everybody was + expatiating over the beauty of the darling child, and congratulating its + parents, the Fairy Blackstick looked very sadly at the baby and its + mother, and said, "My good woman (for the Fairy was very familiar, and no + more minded a Queen than a washerwoman)—my good woman, these people + who are following you will be the first to turn against you; and as for + this little lady, the best thing I can wish her is a LITTLE MISFORTUNE." + So she touched Rosalba with her black wand, looked severely at the + courtiers, motioned the Queen an adieu with her hand, and sailed slowly up + into the air out of the window. + </p> + <p> + When she was gone, the Court people, who had been awed and silent in her + presence, began to speak. "What an odious Fairy she is" (they said)—"a + pretty Fairy, indeed! Why, she went to the King of Paflagonia's + christening, and pretended to do all sorts of things for that family; and + what has happened—the Prince, her godson, has been turned off his + throne by his uncle. Would we allow our sweet Princess to be deprived of + her rights by any enemy? Never, never, never, never!" + </p> + <p> + And they all shouted in a chorus, "Never, never, never, never!" + </p> + <p> + Now, I should like to know, and how did these fine courtiers show their + fidelity? One of King Cavolfiore's vassals, the Duke Padella just + mentioned, rebelled against the King, who went out to chastise his + rebellious subject. "Any one rebel against our beloved and august + Monarch!" cried the courtiers; "any one resist HIM? Pooh! He is + invincible, irresistible. He will bring home Padella a prisoner, and tie + him to a donkey's tail, and drive him round the town, saying, 'This is the + way the Great Cavolfiore treats rebels.'" + </p> + <p> + The King went forth to vanquish Padella; and the poor Queen, who was a + very timid, anxious creature, grew so frightened and ill that I am sorry + to say she died; leaving injunctions with her ladies to take care of the + dear little Rosalba. Of course they said they would. Of course they vowed + they would die rather than any harm should happen to the Princess. At + first the Crim Tartar Court Journal stated that the King was obtaining + great victories over the audacious rebel: then it was announced that the + troops of the infamous Padella were in flight: then it was said that the + royal army would soon come up with the enemy, and then—then the news + came that King Cavolfiore was vanquished and slain by his Majesty, King + Padella the First! + </p> + <p> + At this news, half the courtiers ran off to pay their duty to the + conquering chief, and the other half ran away, laying hands on all the + best articles in the palace; and poor little Rosalba was left there quite + alone—quite alone: she toddled from one room to another, crying, + "Countess! Duchess!" (only she said "Tountess, Duttess," not being able to + speak plain) "bring me my mutton-sop; my Royal Highness hungy! Tountess! + Duttess!" And she went from the private apartments into the throne-room + and nobody was there;—and thence into the ballroom and nobody was + there;—and thence into the pages' room and nobody was there;—and + she toddled down the great staircase into the hall and nobody was there;—and + the door was open, and she went into the court, and into the garden, and + thence into the wilderness, and thence into the forest where the wild + beasts live, and was never heard of any more! + </p> + <p> + A piece of her torn mantle and one of her shoes were found in the wood in + the mouths of two lionesses' cubs whom KING PADELLA and a royal hunting + party shot—for he was King now, and reigned over Crim Tartary. "So + the poor little Princess is done for," said he; "well, what's done can't + be helped. Gentlemen, let us go to luncheon!" And one of the courtiers + took up the shoe and put it in his pocket. And there was an end of + Rosalba! + </p> + <p> + IV. HOW BLACKSTICK WAS NOT ASKED TO THE PRINCESS ANGELICA'S CHRISTENING. + </p> + <p> + When the Princess Angelica was born, her parents not only did not ask the + Fairy Blackstick to the christening party, but gave orders to their porter + absolutely to refuse her if she called. This porter's name was Gruffanuff, + and he had been selected for the post by their Royal Highnesses because he + was a very tall fierce man, who could say "Not at home" to a tradesman or + an unwelcome visitor with a rudeness which frightened most such persons + away. He was the husband of that Countess whose picture we have just seen, + and as long as they were together they quarrelled from morning till night. + Now this fellow tried his rudeness once too often, as you shall hear. For + the Fairy Blackstick coming to call upon the Prince and Princess, who were + actually sitting at the open drawing-room window, Gruffanuff not only + denied them, but made the most ODIOUS VULGAR SIGN as he was going to slam + the door in the Fairy's face! "Git away, hold Blackstick!" said he. "I + tell you, Master and Missis ain't at home to you;" and he was, as we have + said, GOING to slam the door. + </p> + <p> + But the Fairy, with her wand, prevented the door being shut; and + Gruffanuff came out again in a fury, swearing in the most abominable way, + and asking the Fairy "whether she thought he was a-going to stay at that + there door hall day?" + </p> + <p> + "You ARE going to stay at that door all day and all night, and for many a + long year," the Fairy said, very majestically; and Gruffanuff, coming out + of the door, straddling before it with his great calves, burst out + laughing, and cried, "Ha, ha, ha! this IS a good un! Ha—ah—what's + this? Let me down—oh—o—h'm!" and then he was dumb! + </p> + <p> + For, as the Fairy waved her wand over him, he felt himself rising off the + ground, and fluttering up against the door, and then, as if a screw ran + into his stomach, he felt a dreadful pain there, and was pinned to the + door; and then his arms flew up over his head; and his legs, after + writhing about wildly, twisted under his body; and he felt cold, cold, + growing over him, as if he was turning into metal; and he said, "Oh—o—h'm!" + and could say no more, because he was dumb. + </p> + <p> + He WAS turned into metal! He was, from being BRAZEN, BRASS! He was neither + more nor less than a knocker! And there he was, nailed to the door in the + blazing summer day, till he burned almost red-hot; and there he was, + nailed to the door all the bitter winter nights, till his brass nose was + dropping with icicles. And the postman came and rapped at him, and the + vulgarest boy with a letter came and hit him up against the door. And the + King and Queen (Princess and Prince they were then) coming home from a + walk that evening, the King said, "Hullo, my dear! you have had a new + knocker put on the door. Why, it's rather like our porter in the face! + What has become of that boozy vagabond?" And the housemaid came and + scrubbed his nose with sand-paper; and once, when the Princess Angelica's + little sister was born, he was tied up in an old kid-glove; and, another + night, some LARKING young men tried to wrench him off, and put him to the + most excruciating agony with a turn screw. And then the Queen had a fancy + to have the color of the door altered; and the painters dabbed him over + the mouth and eyes, and nearly choked him, as they painted him pea-green. + I warrant he had leisure to repent of having been rude to the Fairy + Blackstick! + </p> + <p> + As for his wife, she did not miss him; and as he was always guzzling beer + at the public-house, and notoriously quarrelling with his wife, and in + debt to the tradesmen, it was supposed he had run away from all these + evils, and emigrated to Australia or America. And when the Prince and + Princess chose to become King and Queen, they left their old house, and + nobody thought of the porter any more. + </p> + <p> + V. HOW PRINCESS ANGELICA TOOK A LITTLE MAID. + </p> + <p> + One day, when the Princess Angelica was quite a little girl, she was + walking in the garden of the palace, with Mrs. Gruffanuff, the governess, + holding a parasol over her head, to keep her sweet complexion from the + freckles, and Angelica was carrying a bun, to feed the swans and ducks in + the royal pond. + </p> + <p> + They had not reached the duck-pond, when there came toddling up to them + such a funny little girl! She had a great quantity of hair blowing about + her chubby little cheeks, and looked as if she had not been washed or + combed for ever so long. She wore a ragged bit of a cloak, and had only + one shoe on. + </p> + <p> + "You little wretch, who let you in here?" asked Mrs. Gruffanuff. + </p> + <p> + "Div me dat bun," said the little girl, "me vely hungy." + </p> + <p> + "Hungry! what is that?" asked Princess Angelica, and gave the child the + bun. + </p> + <p> + "Oh, Princess!" says Mrs. Gruffanuff, "how good, how kind, how truly + angelical you are! See, Your Majesties," she said to the King and Queen, + who now came up, along with their nephew, Prince Giglio, "how kind the + Princess is! She met this little dirty wretch in the garden—I can't + tell how she came in here, or why the guards did not shoot her dead at the + gate!—and the dear darling of a Princess has given her the whole of + her bun!" + </p> + <p> + "I didn't want it," said Angelica. + </p> + <p> + "But you are a darling little angel all the same," says the governess. + </p> + <p> + "Yes; I know I am," said Angelica. "Dirty little girl, don't you think I + am very pretty?" Indeed, she had on the finest of little dresses and hats; + and, as her hair was carefully curled, she really looked very well. + </p> + <p> + "Oh, pooty, pooty!" says the little girl, capering about, laughing, and + dancing, and munching her bun; and as she ate it she began to sing, "O + what fun to have a plum bun! how I wis it never was done!" At which, and + her funny accent, Angelica, Giglio, and the King and Queen began to laugh + very merrily. + </p> + <p> + "I can dance as well as sing," says the little girl. "I can dance, and I + can sing, and I can do all sorts of ting." And she ran to a flower-bed, + and pulling a few polyanthuses, rhododendrons, and other flowers, made + herself a little wreath, and danced before the King and Queen so drolly + and prettily, that everybody was delighted. + </p> + <p> + "Who was your mother—who were your relations, little girl?" said the + Queen. + </p> + <p> + The little girl said, "Little lion was my brudder; great big lioness my + mudder; neber heard of any udder." And she capered away on her one shoe, + and everybody was exceedingly diverted. + </p> + <p> + So Angelica said to the Queen, "Mamma, my parrot flew away yesterday out + of its cage, and I don't care any more for any of my toys; and I think + this funny little dirty child will amuse me. I will take her home, and + give her some of my old frocks—" + </p> + <p> + "Oh, the generous darling!" says Mrs. Gruffanuff. + </p> + <p> + "—Which I have worn ever so many times, and am quite tired of," + Angelica went on; "and she shall be my little maid. Will you come home + with me, little dirty girl?" + </p> + <p> + The child clapped her hands, and said, "Go home with you—yes! You + pooty Princess! Have a nice dinner, and wear a new dress!" + </p> + <p> + And they all laughed again, and took home the child to the palace, where, + when she was washed and combed, and had one of the Princess's frocks given + to her, she looked as handsome as Angelica, almost. Not that Angelica ever + thought so; for this little lady never imagined that anybody in the world + could be as pretty, as good, or as clever as herself. In order that the + little girl should not become too proud and conceited, Mrs. Gruffanuff + took her old ragged mantle and one shoe, and put them into a glass box, + with a card laid upon them, upon which was written, "These were the old + clothes in which little BETSINDA was found when the great goodness and + admirable kindness of Her Royal Highness the Princess Angelica received + this little outcast." And the date was added, and the box locked up. + </p> + <p> + For a while little Betsinda was a great favorite with the Princess, and + she danced, and sang, and made her little rhymes, to amuse her mistress. + But then the Princess got a monkey, and afterwards a little dog, and + afterwards a doll, and did not care for Betsinda any more, who became very + melancholy and quiet, and sang no more funny songs, because nobody cared + to hear her. And then, as she grew older, she was made a little + lady's-maid to the Princess; and though she had no wages, she worked and + mended, and put Angelica's hair in papers, and was never cross when + scolded, and was always eager to please her mistress, and was always up + early and to bed late, and at hand when wanted, and in fact became a + perfect little maid. So the two girls grew up, and, when the Princess came + out, Betsinda was never tired of waiting on her; and made her dresses + better than the best milliner, and was useful in a hundred ways. Whilst + the Princess was having her masters, Betsinda would sit and watch them; + and in this way she picked up a great deal of learning; for she was always + awake, though her mistress was not, and listened to the wise professors + when Angelica was yawning or thinking of the next ball. And when the + dancing-master came, Betsinda learned along with Angelica; and when the + music-master came, she watched him, and practiced the Princess's pieces + when Angelica was away at balls and parties; and when the drawing-master + came, she took note of all he said and did; and the same with French, + Italian, and all other languages—she learned them from the teacher + who came to Angelica. When the Princess was going out of an evening she + would say, "My good Betsinda, you may as well finish what I have begun." + "Yes, miss," Betsinda would say, and sit down very cheerful, not to FINISH + what Angelica began, but to DO it. + </p> + <p> + For instance, the Princess would begin a head of a warrior, let us say, + and when it was begun it was something like this: + </p> + <p> + But when it was done, the warrior was like this:—(only handsomer + still if possible), and the Princess put her name to the drawing; and the + Court and King and Queen, and above all poor Giglio, admired the picture + of all things, and said, "Was there ever a genius like Angelica?" So, I am + sorry to say, was it with the Princess's embroidery and other + accomplishments; and Angelica actually believed that she did these things + herself, and received all the flattery of the Court as if every word of it + was true. Thus she began to think that there was no young woman in all the + world equal to herself, and that no young man was good enough for her. As + for Betsinda, as she heard none of these praises, she was not puffed up by + them, and being a most grateful, good-natured girl, she was only too + anxious to do everything which might give her mistress pleasure. Now you + begin to perceive that Angelica had faults of her own, and was by no means + such a wonder of wonders as people represented Her Royal Highness to be. + </p> + <p> + VI. HOW PRINCE GIGLIO BEHAVED HIMSELF. + </p> + <p> + And now let us speak about Prince Giglio, the nephew of the reigning + monarch of Paflagonia. It has already been stated, in page seven, that as + long as he had a smart coat to wear, a good horse to ride, and money in + his pocket, or rather to take out of his pocket, for he was very + good-natured, my young Prince did not care for the loss of his crown and + sceptre, being a thoughtless youth, not much inclined to politics or any + kind of learning. So his tutor had a sinecure. Giglio would not learn + classics or mathematics, and the Lord Chancellor of Paflagonia, + SQUARETOSO, pulled a very long face because the Prince could not be got to + study the Paflagonian laws and constitution; but, on the other hand, the + King's gamekeepers and huntsmen found the Prince an apt pupil; the + dancing-master pronounced that he was a most elegant and assiduous + scholar; the First Lord of the Billiard Table gave the most flattering + reports of the Prince's skill; so did the Groom of the Tennis Court; and + as for the Captain of the Guard and Fencing-master, the VALIANT and + VETERAN Count KUTASOFF HEDZOFF, he avowed that since he ran the General of + Crim Tartary, the dreadful Grumbuskin, through the body, he never had + encountered so expert a swordsman as Prince Giglio. + </p> + <p> + I hope you do not imagine that there was any impropriety in the Prince and + Princess walking together in the palace garden, and because Giglio kissed + Angelica's hand in a polite manner. In the first place they are cousins; + next, the Queen is walking in the garden too (you cannot see her, for she + happens to be behind that tree), and her Majesty always wished that + Angelica and Giglio should marry: so did Giglio: so did Angelica + sometimes, for she thought her cousin very handsome, brave, and + good-natured: but then you know she was so clever and knew so many things, + and poor Giglio knew nothing, and had no conversation. When they looked at + the stars, what did Giglio know of the heavenly bodies? Once, when on a + sweet night in a balcony where they were standing, Angelica said, "There + is the Bear." "Where?" says Giglio. "Don't be afraid, Angelica! if a dozen + bears come, I will kill them rather than they shall hurt you." "Oh, you + silly creature!" says she; "you are very good, but you are not very wise." + When they looked at the flowers, Giglio was utterly unacquainted with + botany, and had never heard of Linnaeus. When the butterflies passed, + Giglio knew nothing about them, being as ignorant of entomology as I am of + algebra. So you see, Angelica, though she liked Giglio pretty well, + despised him on account of his ignorance. I think she probably valued HER + OWN LEARNING rather too much; but to think too well of one's self is the + fault of people of all ages and both sexes. Finally, when nobody else was + there, Angelica liked her cousin well enough. + </p> + <p> + King Valoroso was very delicate in health, and withal so fond of good + dinners (which were prepared for him by his French cook Marmitonio), that + it was supposed he could not live long. Now the idea of anything happening + to the King struck the artful Prime Minister and the designing old + lady-in-waiting with terror. For, thought Glumboso and the Countess, "when + Prince Giglio marries his cousin and comes to the throne, what a pretty + position we shall be in, whom he dislikes, and who have always been unkind + to him. We shall lose our places in a trice; Mrs. Gruffanuff will have to + give up all the jewels, laces, snuff-boxes, rings, and watches which + belonged to the Queen, Giglio's mother; and Glumboso will be forced to + refund two hundred and seventeen thousand millions nine hundred and + eighty-seven thousand four hundred and thirty-nine pounds, thirteen + shillings, and sixpence halfpenny, money left to Prince Giglio by his poor + dear father." + </p> + <p> + So the Lady of Honor and the Prime Minister hated Giglio because they had + done him a wrong; and these unprincipled people invented a hundred cruel + stories about poor Giglio, in order to influence the King, Queen, and + Princess against him; how he was so ignorant that he could not spell the + commonest words, and actually wrote Valoroso Valloroso, and spelt Angelica + with two l's; how he drank a great deal too much wine at dinner, and was + always idling in the stables with the grooms; how he owed ever so much + money at the pastry-cook's and the haberdasher's; how he used to go to + sleep at church; how he was fond of playing cards with the pages. So did + the Queen like playing cards; so did the King go to sleep at church, and + eat and drink too much; and, if Giglio owed a trifle for tarts, who owed + him two hundred and seventeen thousand millions nine hundred and + eighty-seven thousand four hundred and thirty-nine pounds, thirteen + shillings, and sixpence halfpenny, I should like to know? Detractors and + tale-bearers (in my humble opinion) had much better look at HOME. All this + backbiting and slandering had effect upon Princess Angelica, who began to + look coldly on her cousin, then to laugh at him and scorn him for being so + stupid, then to sneer at him for having vulgar associates; and at Court + balls, dinners, and so forth, to treat him so unkindly that poor Giglio + became quite ill, took to his bed, and sent for the doctor. + </p> + <p> + His Majesty King Valoroso, as we have seen, had his own reasons for + disliking his nephew; and as for those innocent readers who ask why?—I + beg (with the permission of their dear parents) to refer them to + Shakespeare's pages, where they will read why King John disliked Prince + Arthur. With the Queen, his royal but weak-minded aunt, when Giglio was + out of sight he was out of mind. While she had her whist and her evening + parties, she cared for little else. + </p> + <p> + I dare say TWO VILLAINS, who shall be nameless, wished Doctor Pildrafto, + the Court Physician, had killed Giglio right out, but he only bled and + physicked him so severely that the Prince was kept to his room for several + months, and grew as thin as a post. + </p> + <p> + Whilst he was lying sick in this way, there came to the Court of + Paflagonia a famous painter, whose name was Tomaso Lorenzo, and who was + Painter in Ordinary to the King of Crim Tartary, Paflagonia's neighbor. + Tomaso Lorenzo painted all the Court, who were delighted with his works; + for even Countess Gruffanuff looked young and Glumboso good-humored in his + pictures. "He flatters very much," some people said. "Nay!" says Princess + Angelica, "I am above flattery, and I think he did not make my picture + handsome enough. I can't bear to hear a man of genius unjustly cried down, + and I hope my dear papa will make Lorenzo a knight of his Order of the + Cucumber." + </p> + <p> + The Princess Angelica, although the courtiers vowed Her Royal Highness + could draw so BEAUTIFULLY that the idea of her taking lessons was absurd, + yet chose to have Lorenzo for a teacher, and it was wonderful, AS LONG AS + SHE PAINTED IN HIS STUDIO, what beautiful pictures she made! Some of the + performances were engraved for the "Book of Beauty:" others were sold for + enormous sums at Charity Bazaars. She wrote the SIGNATURES under the + drawings, no doubt, but I think I know who did the pictures—this + artful painter, who had come with other designs on Angelica than merely to + teach her to draw. + </p> + <p> + One day, Lorenzo showed the Princess a portrait of a young man in armor, + with fair hair and the loveliest blue eyes, and an expression at once + melancholy and interesting. + </p> + <p> + "Dear Signor Lorenzo, who is this?" asked the Princess. "I never saw + anyone so handsome," says Countess Gruffanuff (the old humbug). + </p> + <p> + "That," said the painter, "that, Madam, is the portrait of my august young + master, his Royal Highness Bulbo, Crown Prince of Crim Tartary, Duke of + Acroceraunia, Marquis of Poluphloisboio, and Knight Grand Cross of the + Order of the Pumpkin. That is the Order of the Pumpkin glittering on his + manly breast, and received by His Royal Highness from his august father, + his Majesty King PADELLA I., for his gallantry at the battle of + Rimbombamento, when he slew with his own princely hand the King of Ograria + and two hundred and eleven giants of the two hundred and eighteen who + formed the King's bodyguard. The remainder were destroyed by the brave + Crim Tartar army after an obstinate combat, in which the Crim Tartars + suffered severely." + </p> + <p> + "What a Prince!" thought Angelica: "so brave—so calm-looking—so + young—what a hero!" + </p> + <p> + "He is as accomplished as he is brave," continued the Court Painter. "He + knows all languages perfectly: sings deliciously: plays every instrument: + composes operas which have been acted a thousand nights running at the + Imperial Theatre of Crim Tartary, and danced in a ballet there before the + King and Queen; in which he looked so beautiful, that his cousin, the + lovely daughter of the King of Circassia, died for love of him." + </p> + <p> + "Why did he not marry the poor Princess?" asked Angelica, with a sigh. + </p> + <p> + "Because they were FIRST COUSINS, Madam, and the clergy forbid these + unions," said the Painter. "And, besides, the young Prince had given his + royal heart ELSEWHERE." + </p> + <p> + "And to whom?" asked Her Royal Highness. + </p> + <p> + "I am not at liberty to mention the Princess's name," answered the + Painter. + </p> + <p> + "But you may tell me the first letter of it," gasped out the Princess. + </p> + <p> + "That Your Royal Highness is at liberty to guess," said Lorenzo. + </p> + <p> + "Does it begin with a Z?" asked Angelica. + </p> + <p> + The Painter said it wasn't a Z; then she tried a Y; then an X; then a W, + and went so backwards through almost the whole alphabet. + </p> + <p> + When she came to D, and it wasn't D, she grew very excited; when she came + to C, and it wasn't C, she was still more nervous; when she came to B, AND + IT WASN'T B, "Oh dearest Gruffanuff," she said, "lend me your + smelling-bottle!" and, hiding her head in the Countess's shoulder, she + faintly whispered, "Ah, Signor, can it be A?" + </p> + <p> + "It was A; and though I may not, by my Royal Master's orders, tell Your + Royal Highness the Princess's name, whom he fondly, madly, devotedly, + rapturously loves, I may show you her portrait," says this slyboots: and + leading the Princess up to a gilt frame, he drew a curtain which was + before it. + </p> + <p> + O goodness! the frame contained A LOOKING-GLASS! and Angelica saw her own + face! + </p> + <p> + VII. HOW GIGLIO AND ANGELICA HAD A QUARREL. + </p> + <p> + The Court Painter of his Majesty the King of Crim Tartary returned to that + monarch's dominions, carrying away a number of sketches which he had made + in the Paflagonian capital (you know, of course, my dears, that the name + of that capital is Blombodinga); but the most charming of all his pieces + was a portrait of the Princess Angelica, which all the Crim Tartar nobles + came to see. With this work the King was so delighted, that he decorated + the Painter with his Order of the Pumpkin (sixth class) and the artist + became Sir Tomaso Lorenzo, K.P., thenceforth. + </p> + <p> + King Valoroso also sent Sir Tomaso his Order of the Cucumber, besides a + handsome order for money, for he painted the King, Queen, and principal + nobility while at Blombodinga, and became all the fashion, to the perfect + rage of all the artists in Paflagonia, where the King used to point to the + portrait of Prince Bulbo, which Sir Tomaso had left behind him, and say + "Which among you can paint a picture like that?" + </p> + <p> + It hung in the royal parlor over the royal sideboard, and Princess + Angelica could always look at it as she sat making the tea. Each day it + seemed to grow handsomer and handsomer, and the Princess grew so fond of + looking at it, that she would often spill the tea over the cloth, at which + her father and mother would wink and wag their heads; and say to each + other, "Aha! we see how things are going." + </p> + <p> + In the meantime poor Giglio lay upstairs very sick in his chamber, though + he took all the doctor's horrible medicines like a good young lad: as I + hope YOU do, my dears, when you are ill and mamma sends for the medical + man. And the only person who visited Giglio (besides his friend the + captain of the guard, who was almost always busy or on parade), was little + Betsinda the housemaid, who used to do his bedroom and sitting-room out, + bring him his gruel, and warm his bed. + </p> + <p> + When the little housemaid came to him in the morning and evening, Prince + Giglio used to say, "Betsinda, Betsinda, how is the Princess Angelica?" + </p> + <p> + And Betsinda used to answer, "The Princess is very well, thank you, my + Lord." And Giglio would heave a sigh, and think, "If Angelica were sick, I + am sure I should not be very well." + </p> + <p> + Then Giglio would say, "Betsinda, has the Princess Angelica asked for me + today?" And Betsinda would answer, "No, my Lord, not today"; or, "She was + very busy practicing the piano when I saw her"; or, "She was writing + invitations for an evening party, and did not speak to me"; or make some + excuse or other, not strictly consonant with truth: for Betsinda was such + a good-natured creature that she strove to do everything to prevent + annoyance to Prince Giglio, and even brought him up roast chicken and + jellies from the kitchen (when the Doctor allowed them, and Giglio was + getting better), saying, "that the Princess had made the jelly, or the + bread-sauce, with her own hands, on purpose for Giglio." + </p> + <p> + When Giglio heard this he took heart and began to mend immediately; and + gobbled up all the jelly, and picked the last bone of the chicken—drumsticks, + merry-thought, sides'-bones, back, pope's nose, and all—thanking his + dear Angelica; and he felt so much better the next day, that he dressed + and went downstairs—where, whom should he meet but Angelica going + into the drawing-room? All the covers were off the chairs, the chandeliers + taken out of the bags, the damask curtains uncovered, the work and things + carried away, and the handsomest albums on the tables. Angelica had her + hair in papers: in a word, it was evident there was going to be a party. + </p> + <p> + "Heavens, Giglio!" cries Angelica: "YOU here in such a dress! What a + figure you are!" + </p> + <p> + "Yes, dear Angelica, I am come downstairs, and feel so well today, thanks + to the FOWL and the JELLY." + </p> + <p> + "What do I know about fowls and jellies, that you allude to them in that + rude way?" says Angelica. + </p> + <p> + "Why, didn't—didn't you send them, Angelica dear?" says Giglio. + </p> + <p> + "I send them indeed! Angelica dear! No, Giglio dear," says she, mocking + him, "I was engaged in getting the rooms ready for His Royal Highness the + Prince of Crim Tartary, who is coming to pay my papa's Court a visit." + </p> + <p> + "The—Prince—of—Crim—Tartary!" Giglio said, aghast. + </p> + <p> + "Yes, the Prince of Crim Tartary," says Angelica, mocking him. "I dare say + you never heard of such a country. What DID you ever hear of? You don't + know whether Crim Tartary is on the Red Sea or on the Black Sea, I dare + say." + </p> + <p> + "Yes, I do: it's on the Red Sea," says Giglio; at which the Princess burst + out laughing at him, and said, "Oh, you ninny! You are so ignorant, you + are really not fit for society! You know nothing but about horses and + dogs, and are only fit to dine in a mess-room with my Royal Father's + heaviest dragoons. Don't look so surprised at me, sir: go and put your + best clothes on to receive the Prince, and let me get the drawing-room + ready." + </p> + <p> + Giglio said, "Oh, Angelica, Angelica, I didn't think this of you. THIS + wasn't your language to me when you gave me this ring, and I gave you mine + in the garden, and you gave me that k—" + </p> + <p> + But what k— was we never shall know, for Angelica, in a rage, cried, + "Get out, you saucy, rude creature! How dare you to remind me of your + rudeness? As for your little trumpery twopenny ring, there, sir—there!" + And she flung it out of the window. + </p> + <p> + "It was my mother's marriage-ring," cried Giglio. + </p> + <p> + "I don't care whose marriage-ring it was," cries Angelica. "Marry the + person who picks it up if she's a woman; you shan't marry ME. And give me + back MY ring. I've no patience with people who boast about the things they + give away! I know who'll give me much finer things than you ever gave me. + A beggarly ring indeed, not worth five shillings!" + </p> + <p> + Now Angelica little knew that the ring which Giglio had given her was a + fairy ring; if a man wore it, it made all the women in love with him; if a + woman, all the gentlemen. The Queen, Giglio's mother, quite an + ordinary-looking person, was admired immensely whilst she wore this ring, + and her husband was frantic when she was ill. But when she called her + little Giglio to her, and put the ring on his finger, King Savio did not + seem to care for his wife so much any more, but transferred all his love + to little Giglio. So did everybody love him as long as he had the ring; + but when, as quite a child, he gave it to Angelica, people began to love + and admire HER; and Giglio, as the saying is, played only second fiddle. + </p> + <p> + "Yes," says Angelica, going on in her foolish ungrateful way. "I know + who'll give me much finer things than your beggarly little pearl + nonsense." + </p> + <p> + "Very good, miss! You may take back your ring too!" says Giglio, his eyes + flashing fire at her, and then, as his eyes had been suddenly opened, he + cried out, "Ha! what does this mean? Is THIS the woman I have been in love + with all my life? Have I been such a ninny as to throw away my regard upon + you? Why—actually—yes—you are a little crooked!" + </p> + <p> + "Oh, you wretch!" cries Angelica. + </p> + <p> + "And, upon my conscience, you—you squint a little." + </p> + <p> + "Eh!" cries Angelica. + </p> + <p> + "And your hair is red—and you are marked with the smallpox—and + what? you have three false teeth—and one leg shorter than the + other!" + </p> + <p> + "You brute, you brute, you!" Angelica screamed out: and as she seized the + ring with one hand, she dealt Giglio one, two, three smacks on the face, + and would have pulled the hair off his head had he not started laughing, + and crying, + </p> + <p> + "Oh dear me, Angelica, don't pull out MY hair, it hurts! You might remove + a great deal of YOUR OWN, as I perceive, without scissors or pulling at + all. Oh, ho, ho! ha, ha, ha! he he he!" + </p> + <p> + And he nearly choked himself with laughing, and she with rage; when, with + a low bow, and dressed in his Court habit, Count Gambabella, the first + lord-in-waiting, entered and said, "Royal Highnesses! Their Majesties + expect you in the Pink Throne-room, where they await the arrival of the + Prince of CRIM TARTARY." + </p> + <p> + VIII. HOW GRUFFANUFF PICKED THE FAIRY RING UP, AND PRINCE BULBO CAME TO + COURT. + </p> + <p> + Prince Bulbo's arrival had set all the court in a flutter: everybody was + ordered to put his or her best clothes on: the footmen had their gala + liveries; the Lord Chancellor his new wig; the Guards their last new + tunics; and Countess Gruffanuff, you may be sure, was glad of an + opportunity of decorating HER old person with her finest things. She was + walking through the court of the Palace on her way to wait upon their + Majesties, when she espied something glittering on the pavement, and bade + the boy in buttons who was holding up her train, to go and pick up the + article shining yonder. He was an ugly little wretch, in some of the late + groom-porter's old clothes cut down, and much too tight for him; and yet, + when he had taken up the ring (as it turned out to be), and was carrying + it to his mistress, she thought he looked like a little cupid. He gave the + ring to her; it was a trumpery little thing enough, but too small for any + of her old knuckles, so she put it into her pocket. + </p> + <p> + "Oh, mum!" says the boy, looking at her "how—how beyoutiful you do + look, mum, to-day, mum!" + </p> + <p> + "And you, too, Jacky," she was going to say; but, looking down at him—no, + he was no longer good-looking at all—but only the carroty-haired + little Jacky of the morning. However, praise is welcome from the ugliest + of men or boys, and Gruffanuff, bidding the boy hold up her train, walked + on in high good-humor. The Guards saluted her with peculiar respect. + Captain Hedzoff, in the anteroom, said, "My dear madam, you look like an + angel today." And so, bowing and smirking, Gruffanuff went in and took her + place behind her Royal Master and Mistress, who were in the throne-room, + awaiting the Prince of Crim Tartary. Princess Angelica sat at their feet, + and behind the King's chair stood Prince Giglio, looking very savage. + </p> + <p> + The Prince of Crim Tartary made his appearance, attended by Baron + Sleibootz, his chamberlain, and followed by a black page carrying the most + beautiful crown you ever saw! He was dressed in his travelling costume, + and his hair, as you see, was a little in disorder. "I have ridden three + hundred miles since breakfast," said he, "so eager was I to behold the + Prin—the Court and august family of Paflagonia, and I could not wait + one minute before appearing in Your Majesties' presences." + </p> + <p> + Giglio, from behind the throne, burst out into a roar of contemptuous + laughter; but all the Royal party, in fact, were so flurried, that they + did not hear this little outbreak. "Your R. H. is welcome in any dress," + says the King. "Glumboso, a chair for His Royal Highness." + </p> + <p> + "Any dress His Royal Highness wears IS a Court-dress," says Princess + Angelica, smiling graciously. + </p> + <p> + "Ah! but you should see my other clothes," said the Prince. "I should have + had them on, but that stupid carrier has not brought them. Who's that + laughing?" + </p> + <p> + It was Giglio laughing. "I was laughing," he said, "because you said just + now that you were in such a hurry to see the Princess, that you could not + wait to change your dress; and now you say you come in those clothes + because you have no others." + </p> + <p> + "And who are you?" says Prince Bulbo, very fiercely. + </p> + <p> + "My father was King of this country, and I am his only son, Prince!" + replies Giglio, with equal haughtiness. + </p> + <p> + "Ha!" said the King and Glumboso, looking very flurried; but the former, + collecting himself, said, "Dear Prince Bulbo, I forgot to introduce to + Your Royal Highness my dear nephew, His Royal Highness Prince Giglio! Know + each other! Embrace each other! Giglio, give His Royal Highness your + hand!" and Giglio, giving his hand, squeezed poor Bulbo's until the tears + ran out of his eyes. Glumboso now brought a chair for the Royal visitor, + and placed it on the platform on which the King, Queen, and Prince were + seated; but the chair was on the edge of the platform, and as Bulbo sat + down, it toppled over, and he with it, rolling over and over, and + bellowing like a bull. Giglio roared still louder at this disaster, but it + was with laughter; so did all the Court when Prince Bulbo got up; for + though when he entered the room he appeared not very ridiculous, as he + stood up from his fall for a moment he looked so exceedingly plain and + foolish, that nobody could help laughing at him. When he had entered the + room, he was observed to carry a rose in his hand, which fell out of it as + he tumbled. + </p> + <p> + "My rose! my rose!" cried Bulbo; and his chamberlain dashed forwards and + picked it up, and gave it to the Prince, who put it in his waistcoat. Then + people wondered why they had laughed; there was nothing particularly + ridiculous in him. He was rather short, rather stout, rather red-haired, + but, in fine, for a Prince, not so bad. + </p> + <p> + So they sat and talked, the Royal personages together, the Crim Tartar + officers with those of Paflagonia—Giglio very comfortable with + Gruffanuff behind the throne. He looked at her with such tender eyes, that + her heart was all in a flutter. "Oh, dear Prince," she said, "how could + you speak so haughtily in presence of Their Majesties? I protest I thought + I should have fainted." + </p> + <p> + "I should have caught you in my arms," said Giglio, looking raptures. + </p> + <p> + "Why were you so cruel to Prince Bulbo, dear Prince?" says Gruff. + </p> + <p> + "Because I hate him," says Gil. + </p> + <p> + "You are jealous of him, and still love poor Angelica," cries Gruffanuff, + putting her handkerchief to her eyes. + </p> + <p> + "I did, but I love her no more!" Giglio cried. "I despise her! Were she + heiress to twenty thousand thrones, I would despise her and scorn her. But + why speak of thrones? I have lost mine. I am too weak to recover it—I + am alone, and have no friend." + </p> + <p> + "Oh, say not so, dear Prince!" says Gruffanuff. + </p> + <p> + "Besides," says he, "I am so happy here BEHIND THE THRONE, that I would + not change my place, no, not for the throne of the world!" + </p> + <p> + "What are you two people chattering about there?" says the Queen, who was + rather good-natured, though not over-burthened with wisdom. "It is time to + dress for dinner. Giglio, show Prince Bulbo to his room. Prince, if your + clothes have not come, we shall be very happy to see you as you are." But + when Prince Bulbo got to his bedroom, his luggage was there and unpacked; + and the hairdresser coming in, cut and curled him entirely to his own + satisfaction; and when the dinner-bell rang, the Royal company had not to + wait above five-and-twenty minutes until Bulbo appeared, during which time + the King, who could not bear to wait, grew as sulky as possible. As for + Giglio, he never left Madam Gruffanuff all this time, but stood with her + in the embrasure of a window, paying her compliments. At length the Groom + of the Chambers announced His Royal Highness the Prince of Crim Tartary! + and the noble company went into the royal dining-room. It was quite a + small party; only the King and Queen, the Princess, whom Bulbo took out, + the two Princes, Countess Gruffanuff, Glumboso the Prime Minister, and + Prince Bulbo's chamberlain. You may be sure they had a very good dinner—let + every boy or girl think of what he or she likes best, and fancy it on the + table.* + </p> + <p> + * Here a very pretty game may be played by all the children saying what + they like best for dinner. + </p> + <p> + The Princess talked incessantly all dinner-time to the Prince of Crimea, + who ate an immense deal too much, and never took his eyes off his plate, + except when Giglio, who was carving a goose, sent a quantity of stuffing + and onion sauce into one of them. Giglio only burst out a-laughing as the + Crimean Prince wiped his shirt-front and face with his scented + pocket-handkerchief. He did not make Prince Bulbo any apology. When the + Prince looked at him, Giglio would not look that way. When Prince Bulbo + said, "Prince Giglio, may I have the honor of taking a glass of wine with + you?" Giglio WOULDN'T answer. All his talk and his eyes were for Countess + Gruffanuff, who you may be sure was pleased with Giglio's attentions—the + vain old creature! When he was not complimenting her, he was making fun of + Prince Bulbo, so loud that Gruffanuff was always tapping him with her fan, + and saying, "Oh, you satirical Prince! Oh, fie, the Prince will hear!" + "Well, I don't mind," says Giglio, louder still. The King and Queen + luckily did not hear; for her Majesty was a little deaf, and the King + thought so much about his own dinner, and, besides, made such a dreadful + noise, hob-gobbling in eating it, that he heard nothing else. After + dinner, his Majesty and the Queen went to sleep in their arm-chairs. + </p> + <p> + This was the time when Giglio began his tricks with Prince Bulbo, plying + that young gentleman with port, sherry, madeira, champagne, marsala, + cherry-brandy, and pale ale, of all of which Master Bulbo drank without + stint. But in plying his guest, Giglio was obliged to drink himself, and, + I am sorry to say, took more than was good for him, so that the young men + were very noisy, rude, and foolish when they joined the ladies after + dinner; and dearly did they pay for that imprudence, as now, my darlings, + you shall hear! + </p> + <p> + Bulbo went and sat by the piano, where Angelica was playing and singing, + and he sang out of tune, and he upset the coffee when the footman brought + it, and he laughed out of place, and talked absurdly, and fell asleep and + snored horridly. Booh, the nasty pig! But as he lay there stretched on the + pink satin sofa, Angelica still persisted in thinking him the most + beautiful of human beings. No doubt the magic rose which Bulbo wore caused + this infatuation on Angelica's part; but is she the first young woman who + has thought a silly fellow charming? + </p> + <p> + Giglio must go and sit by Gruffanuff, whose old face he, too, every moment + began to find more lovely. He paid the most outrageous compliments to her:—There + never was such a darling. Older than he was?—Fiddle-de-dee! He would + marry her—he would, have nothing but her! + </p> + <p> + To marry the heir to the throne! Here was a chance! The artful hussy + actually got a sheet of paper, and wrote upon it, "This is to give notice + that I, Giglio, only son of Savio, King of Paflagonia, hereby promise to + marry the charming and virtuous Barbara Griselda Countess Gruffanuff, and + widow of the late Jenkins Gruffanuff, Esq." + </p> + <p> + "What is it you are writing, you charming Gruffy?" says Giglio, who was + lolling on the sofa, by the writing-table. + </p> + <p> + "Only an order for you to sign, dear Prince, for giving coals and blankets + to the poor, this cold weather. Look! the King and Queen are both asleep, + and your Royal Highness's order will do." + </p> + <p> + So Giglio, who was very good-natured, as Gruffy well knew, signed the + order immediately; and, when she had it in her pocket, you may fancy what + airs she gave herself. She was ready to flounce out of the room before the + Queen herself, as now she was the wife of the RIGHTFUL King of Paflagonia! + She would not speak to Glumboso, whom she thought a brute, for depriving + her DEAR HUSBAND of the crown! And when candles came, and she had helped + to undress the Queen and Princess, she went into her own room, and + actually practiced on a sheet of paper, "Griselda Paflagonia," "Barbara + Regina," "Griselda Barbara, Paf. Reg.," and I don't know what signatures + besides, against the day when she should be Queen forsooth! + </p> + <p> + IX. HOW BETSINDA GOT THE WARMING PAN. + </p> + <p> + Little Betsinda came in to put Gruffanuff's hair in papers; and the + Countess was so pleased, that, for a wonder, she complimented Betsinda. + "Betsinda!" she said, "you dressed my hair very nicely today; I promised + you a little present. Here are five sh—no, here is a pretty little + ring, that I picked—that I have had some time." And she gave + Betsinda the ring she had picked up in the court. It fitted Betsinda + exactly. + </p> + <p> + "It's like the ring the Princess used to wear," says the maid. + </p> + <p> + "No such thing," says Gruffanuff, "I have had it this ever so long. There, + tuck me up quite comfortable; and now, as it's a very cold night (the snow + was beating in at the window), you may go and warm dear Prince Giglio's + bed, like a good girl, and then you may unrip my green silk, and then you + can just do me up a little cap for the morning, and then you can mend that + hole in my silk stocking, and then you can go to bed, Betsinda. Mind I + shall want my cup of tea at five o'clock in the morning." + </p> + <p> + "I suppose I had best warm both the young gentlemen's beds, Ma'am," says + Betsinda. + </p> + <p> + Gruffanuff, for reply, said, "Hau-au-ho!—Grau-haw-hoo!—Hong-hrho!" + In fact, she was snoring sound asleep. + </p> + <p> + Her room, you know, is next to the King and Queen, and the Princess is + next to them. So pretty Betsinda went away for the coals to the kitchen, + and filled the royal warming-pan. + </p> + <p> + Now, she was a very kind, merry, civil, pretty girl; but there must have + been something very captivating about her this evening, for all the women + in the servants' hall began to scold and abuse her. The housekeeper said + she was a pert, stuck-up thing: the upper-housemaid asked, how dare she + wear such ringlets and ribbons, it was quite improper! The cook (for there + was a woman-cook as well as a man-cook) said to the kitchen-maid that SHE + never could see anything in that creetur: but as for the men, every one of + them, Coachman, John, Buttons, the page, and Monsieur, the Prince of Crim + Tartary's valet, started up, and said— + </p> + <p> + "My eyes! } + </p> + <p> + "O mussey! } what a pretty girl Betsinda is!" + </p> + <p> + "O jemmany! } + </p> + <p> + "O ciel! } + </p> + <p> + "Hands off; none of your impertinence, you vulgar, low people!" says + Betsinda, walking off with her pan of coals. She heard the young gentlemen + playing at billiards as she went upstairs: first to Prince Giglio's bed, + which she warmed, and then to Prince Bulbo's room. + </p> + <p> + He came in just as she had done; and as soon as he saw her, "O! O! O! O! + O! O! what a beyou—oo—ootiful creature you are! You angel—you + Peri—you rosebud, let me be thy bulbul—thy Bulbo, too! Fly to + the desert, fly with me! I never saw a young gazelle to glad me with its + dark blue eye that had eyes like thine. Thou nymph of beauty, take, take + this young heart. A truer never did itself sustain within a soldier's + waistcoat. Be mine! Be mine! Be Princess of Crim Tartary! My Royal father + will approve our union; and, as for that little carroty-haired Angelica, I + do not care a fig for her any more." + </p> + <p> + "Go away, Your Royal Highness, and go to bed, please," said Betsinda, with + the warming-pan. + </p> + <p> + But Bulbo said, "No, never, till thou swearest to be mine, thou lovely, + blushing chambermaid divine! Here, at thy feet, the Royal Bulbo lies, the + trembling captive of Betsinda's eyes." + </p> + <p> + And he went on, making himself SO ABSURD AND RIDICULOUS, that Betsinda, + who was full of fun, gave him a touch with the warming-pan, which, I + promise you, made him cry "O-o-o-o!" in a very different manner. + </p> + <p> + Prince Bulbo made such a noise that Prince Giglio, who heard him from the + next room, came in to see what was the matter. As soon as he saw what was + taking place, Giglio, in a fury, rushed on Bulbo, kicked him in the rudest + manner up to the ceiling, and went on kicking him till his hair was quite + out of curl. + </p> + <p> + Poor Betsinda did not know whether to laugh or to cry; the kicking + certainly must hurt the Prince, but then he looked so droll! When Giglio + had done knocking him up and down to the ground, and whilst he went into a + corner rubbing himself, what do you think Giglio does? He goes down on his + own knees to Betsinda, takes her hand, begs her to accept his heart, and + offers to marry her that moment. Fancy Betsinda's condition, who had been + in love with the Prince ever since she first saw him in the palace garden, + when she was quite a little child. + </p> + <p> + "Oh, divine Betsinda!" says the Prince, "how have I lived fifteen years in + thy company without seeing thy perfections? What woman in all Europe, + Asia, Africa, and America, nay, in Australia, only it is not yet + discovered, can presume to be thy equal? Angelica? Pish! Gruffanuff? Phoo! + The Queen? Ha, ha! Thou art my Queen. Thou art the real Angelica, because + thou art really angelic." + </p> + <p> + "Oh, Prince! I am but a poor chambermaid," says Betsinda, looking, + however, very much pleased. + </p> + <p> + "Didst thou not tend me in my sickness, when all forsook me?" continues + Giglio. "Did not thy gentle hand smooth my pillow, and bring me jelly and + roast chicken?" + </p> + <p> + "Yes, dear Prince, I did," says Betsinda, "and I sewed Your Royal + Highness's shirt-buttons on too, if you please, Your Royal Highness," + cries this artless maiden. + </p> + <p> + When poor Prince Bulbo, who was now madly in love with Betsinda, heard + this declaration, when he saw the unmistakable glances which she flung + upon Giglio, Bulbo began to cry bitterly, and tore quantities of hair out + of his head, till it all covered the room like so much tow. + </p> + <p> + Betsinda had left the warming-pan on the floor while the princes were + going on with their conversation, and as they began now to quarrel and be + very fierce with one another, she thought proper to run away. + </p> + <p> + "You great big blubbering booby, tearing your hair in the corner there; of + course you will give me satisfaction for insulting Betsinda. YOU dare to + kneel down at Princess Giglio's knees and kiss her hand!" + </p> + <p> + "She's not Princess Giglio!" roars out Bulbo. "She shall be Princess + Bulbo, no other shall be Princess Bulbo." + </p> + <p> + "You are engaged to my cousin!" bellows out Giglio. + </p> + <p> + "I hate your cousin," says Bulbo. + </p> + <p> + "You shall give me satisfaction for insulting her!" cries Giglio in a + fury. + </p> + <p> + "I'll have your life." + </p> + <p> + "I'll run you through." + </p> + <p> + "I'll cut your throat." + </p> + <p> + "I'll blow your brains out." + </p> + <p> + "I'll knock your head off." + </p> + <p> + "I'll send a friend to you in the morning." + </p> + <p> + "I'll send a bullet into you in the afternoon." + </p> + <p> + "We'll meet again," says Giglio, shaking his fist in Bulbo's face; and + seizing up the warming-pan, he kissed it, because, forsooth, Betsinda had + carried it, and rushed downstairs. What should he see on the landing but + his Majesty talking to Betsinda, whom he called by all sorts of fond + names. His Majesty had heard a row in the building, so he stated, and + smelling something burning, had come out to see what the matter was. + </p> + <p> + "It's the young gentlemen smoking, perhaps, sir," says Betsinda. + </p> + <p> + "Charming chambermaid," says the King (like all the rest of them), "never + mind the young men! Turn thy eyes on a middle-aged autocrat, who has been + considered not ill-looking in his time." + </p> + <p> + "Oh, sir! what will her Majesty say?" cries Betsinda. + </p> + <p> + "Her Majesty!" laughs the monarch. "Her Majesty be hanged. Am I not + Autocrat of Paflagonia? Have I not blocks, ropes, axes, hangmen—ha? + Runs not a river by my palace wall? Have I not sacks to sew up wives + withal? Say but the word, that thou wilt be mine own,—your mistress + straightway in a sack is sewn, and thou the sharer of my heart and + throne." + </p> + <p> + When Giglio heard these atrocious sentiments, he forgot the respect + usually paid to Royalty, lifted up the warming-pan, and knocked down the + King as flat as a pancake; after which, Master Giglio took to his heels + and ran away, and Betsinda went off screaming, and the Queen, Gruffanuff, + and the Princess, all came out of their rooms. Fancy their feelings on + beholding their husband, father, sovereign, in this posture! + </p> + <p> + X. HOW KING VALOROSO WAS IN A DREADFUL PASSION. + </p> + <p> + As soon as the coals began to burn him, the King came to himself and stood + up. "Ho! my captain of the guards!" his Majesty exclaimed, stamping his + royal feet with rage. O piteous spectacle! the King's nose was bent quite + crooked by the blow of Prince Giglio! His Majesty ground his teeth with + rage. "Hedzoff," he said, taking a death-warrant out of his dressing-gown + pocket, "Hedzoff, good Hedzoff, seize upon the Prince. Thou'lt find him in + his chamber two pair up. But now he dared, with sacrilegious hand, to + strike the sacred night-cap of a king—Hedzoff, and floor me with a + warming-pan! Away, no more demur, the villain dies! See it be done, or + else,—h'm—ha!—h'm! mind thine own eyes!" And followed by + the ladies, and lifting up the tails of his dressing-gown, the King + entered his own apartment. + </p> + <p> + Captain Hedzoff was very much affected, having a sincere love for Giglio. + "Poor, poor Giglio!" he said, the tears rolling over his manly face, and + dripping down his moustachios; "my noble young Prince, is it my hand must + lead thee to death?" + </p> + <p> + "Lead him to fiddlestick, Hedzoff," said a female voice. It was + Gruffanuff, who had come out in her dressing-gown when she heard the + noise. "The King said you were to hang the Prince. Well, hang the Prince." + </p> + <p> + "I don't understand you," says Hedzoff, who was not a very clever man. + </p> + <p> + "You Gaby! he didn't say WHICH Prince," says Gruffanuff. + </p> + <p> + "No; he didn't say which, certainly," said Hedzoff. + </p> + <p> + "Well then, take Bulbo, and hang HIM!" + </p> + <p> + When Captain Hedzoff heard this, he began to dance about for joy. + "Obedience is a soldier's honor," says he. "Prince Bulbo's head will do + capitally;" and he went to arrest the Prince the very first thing next + morning. + </p> + <p> + He knocked at the door. "Who's there?" says Bulbo. "Captain Hedzoff? Step + in, pray, my good Captain; I'm delighted to see you; I have been expecting + you." + </p> + <p> + "Have you?" says Hedzoff. + </p> + <p> + "Sleibootz, my Chamberlain, will act for me," says the Prince. + </p> + <p> + "I beg Your Royal Highness's pardon, but you will have to act for + yourself, and it's a pity to wake Baron Sleibootz." + </p> + <p> + The Prince Bulbo still seemed to take the matter very coolly. "Of course, + Captain," says he, "you are come about that affair with Prince Giglio?" + </p> + <p> + "Precisely," says Hedzoff, "that affair of Prince Giglio." + </p> + <p> + "Is it to be pistols, or swords, Captain?" asks Bulbo. "I'm a pretty good + hand with both, and I'll do for Prince Giglio as sure as my name is My + Royal Highness Prince Bulbo." + </p> + <p> + "There's some mistake, my Lord," says the Captain. "The business is done + with AXES among us." + </p> + <p> + "Axes? That's sharp work," says Bulbo. "Call my Chamberlain, he'll be my + second, and in ten minutes, I flatter myself, you'll see Master Giglio's + head off his impertinent shoulders. I'm hungry for his blood Hoo-oo—aw!" + and he looked as savage as an ogre. + </p> + <p> + "I beg your pardon, sir, but by this warrant I am to take you prisoner, + and hand you over to—to the executioner." + </p> + <p> + "Pooh, pooh, my good man!—Stop, I say,—ho!—hulloa!" was + all that this luckless Prince was enabled to say: for Hedzoff's guards + seizing him, tied a handkerchief over his mouth and face, and carried him + to the place of execution. + </p> + <p> + The King, who happened to be talking to Glumboso, saw him pass, and took a + pinch of snuff and said, "So much for Giglio. Now let's go to breakfast." + </p> + <p> + The Captain of the Guard handed over his prisoner to the Sheriff, with the + fatal order, + </p> + <p> + "AT SIGHT CUT OFF THE BEARER'S HEAD. "VALOROSO XXIV." + </p> + <p> + "It's a mistake," says Bulbo, who did not seem to understand the business + in the least. + </p> + <p> + "Poo—poo—pooh," says the Sheriff. "Fetch Jack Ketch instantly. + Jack Ketch!" + </p> + <p> + And poor Bulbo was led to the scaffold, where an executioner with a block + and a tremendous axe was always ready in case he should be wanted. + </p> + <p> + But we must now revert to Giglio and Betsinda. + </p> + <p> + XI. WHAT GRUFFANUFF DID TO GIGLIO AND BETSINDA. + </p> + <p> + Gruffanuff, who had seen what had happened with the King, and knew that + Giglio must come to grief, got up very early the next morning, and went to + devise some plans for rescuing her darling husband, as the silly old thing + insisted on calling him. She found him walking up and down the garden, + thinking of a rhyme for Betsinda (TINDER and WINDA were all he could + find), and indeed having forgotten all about the past evening, except that + Betsinda was the most lovely of beings. + </p> + <p> + "Well, dear Giglio," says Gruff. + </p> + <p> + "Well, dear Gruffy," says Giglio, only HE was quite satirical. + </p> + <p> + "I have been thinking, darling, what you must do in this scrape. You must + fly the country for a while." + </p> + <p> + "What scrape?—fly the country? Never without her I love, Countess," + says Giglio. + </p> + <p> + "No, she will accompany you, dear Prince," she says, in her most coaxing + accents. "First, we must get the jewels belonging to our royal parents, + and those of her and his present Majesty. Here is the key, duck; they are + all yours, you know, by right, for you are the rightful King of + Paflagonia, and your wife will be the rightful Queen." + </p> + <p> + "Will she?" says Giglio. + </p> + <p> + "Yes; and having got the jewels, go to Glumboso's apartment, where, under + his bed, you will find sacks containing money to the amount of + L217,000,000,987,439, 13s. 6-12d., all belonging to you, for he took it + out of your royal father's room on the day of his death. With this we will + fly." + </p> + <p> + "WE will fly?" says Giglio. + </p> + <p> + "Yes, you and your bride—your affianced love—your Gruffy!" + says the Countess, with a languishing leer. + </p> + <p> + "YOU my bride!" says Giglio. "You, you hideous old woman!" + </p> + <p> + "Oh, you—you wretch! didn't you give me this paper promising + marriage?" cries Gruff. + </p> + <p> + "Get away, you old goose! I love Betsinda, and Betsinda only!" And in a + fit of terror he ran from her as quickly as he could. + </p> + <p> + "He! he! he!" shrieks out Gruff; "a promise is a promise if there are laws + in Paflagonia! And as for that monster, that wretch, that fiend, that ugly + little vixen—as for that upstart, that ingrate, that beast, + Betsinda, Master Giglio will have no little difficulty in discovering her + whereabouts. He may look very long before finding HER, I warrant. He + little knows that Miss Betsinda is—" + </p> + <p> + Is—what? Now, you shall hear. Poor Betsinda got up at five in + winter's morning to bring her cruel mistress her tea; and instead of + finding her in a good humor, found Gruffy as cross as two sticks. The + Countess boxed Betsinda's ears half a dozen times whilst she was dressing; + but as poor little Betsinda was used to this kind of treatment, she did + not feel any special alarm. "And now," says she, "when her Majesty rings + her bell twice, I'll trouble you, miss, to attend." + </p> + <p> + So when the Queen's bell rang twice, Betsinda came to her Majesty and made + a pretty little curtsey. The Queen, the Princess, and Gruffanuff were all + three in the room. As soon as they saw her they began, + </p> + <p> + "You wretch!" says the Queen. + </p> + <p> + "You little vulgar thing!" says the Princess. + </p> + <p> + "You beast!" says Gruffanuff. + </p> + <p> + "Get out of my sight!" says the Queen. + </p> + <p> + "Go away with you, do!" says the Princess. + </p> + <p> + "Quit the premises!" says Gruffanuff. + </p> + <p> + "Alas! and woe is me!" very lamentable events had occurred to Betsinda + that morning, and all in consequence of that fatal warming-pan business of + the previous night. The King had offered to marry her; of course her + Majesty the Queen was jealous: Bulbo had fallen in love with her; of + course Angelica was furious: Giglio was in love with her, and oh, what a + fury Gruffy was in! + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + { cap } +</pre> + <p> + "Take off that {petticoat} I gave you," they said, all at once, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + { gown } +</pre> + <p> + and began tearing the clothes off poor Betsinda. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + { the King?" } +</pre> + <p> + "How dare you flirt with {Prince Bulbo?" } cried the Queen, the + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + {Prince Giglio?"} Princess, and Countess. +</pre> + <p> + "Give her the rags she wore when she came into the house, and turn her out + of it!" cries the Queen. + </p> + <p> + "Mind she does not go with MY shoes on, which I lent her so kindly," says + the Princess; and indeed the Princess's shoes were a great deal too big + for Betsinda. + </p> + <p> + "Come with me, you filthy hussy!" and taking up the Queen's poker, the + cruel Gruffanuff drove Betsinda into her room. + </p> + <p> + The Countess went to the glass box in which she had kept Betsinda's old + cloak and shoe this ever so long, and said, "Take those rags, you little + beggar creature, and strip off everything belonging to honest people, and + go about your business"; and she actually tore off the poor little + delicate thing's back almost all her things, and told her to be off out of + the house. + </p> + <p> + Poor Betsinda huddled the cloak round her back, on which were embroidered + the letters PRIN. . . . ROSAL . . and then came a great rent. + </p> + <p> + As for the shoe, what was she to do with one poor little tootsey sandal? + The string was still to it, so she hung it round her neck. + </p> + <p> + "Won't you give me a pair of shoes to go out in the snow, mum, if you + please, mum?" cried the poor child. + </p> + <p> + "No, you wicked beast!" says Gruffanuff, driving her along with the poker—driving + her down the cold stairs—driving her through the cold hall—flinging + her out into the cold street, so that the knocker itself shed tears to see + her! + </p> + <p> + But a kind fairy made the soft snow warm for her little feet, and she + wrapped herself up in the ermine of her mantle, and was gone! + </p> + <p> + "And now let us think about breakfast," says the greedy Queen. + </p> + <p> + "What dress shall I put on, mamma? the pink or the pea-green?" says + Angelica. "Which do you think the dear Prince will like best?" + </p> + <p> + "Mrs. V.!" sings out the King from his dressing-room, "let us have + sausages for breakfast! Remember we have Prince Bulbo staying with us!" + </p> + <p> + And they all went to get ready. + </p> + <p> + Nine o'clock came, and they were all in the breakfast-room, and no Prince + Bulbo as yet. The urn was hissing and humming: the muffins were smoking—such + a heap of muffins! the eggs were done, there was a pot of raspberry jam, + and coffee, and a beautiful chicken and tongue on the side-table. + Marmitonio the cook brought in the sausages. Oh, how nice they smelt! + </p> + <p> + "Where is Bulbo?" said the King. "John, where is His Royal Highness?" + </p> + <p> + John said he had a took hup His Roilighnessesses shaving-water, and his + clothes and things, and he wasn't in his room, which he sposed His + Royliness was just stepped hout. + </p> + <p> + "Stepped out before breakfast in the snow! Impossible!" says the King, + sticking his fork into a sausage. "My dear, take one. Angelica, won't you + have a saveloy?" The Princess took one, being very fond of them; and at + this moment Glumboso entered with Captain Hedzoff, both looking very much + disturbed. + </p> + <p> + "I am afraid Your Majesty—" cries Glumboso. + </p> + <p> + "No business before breakfast, Glum!" says the King. "Breakfast first, + business next. Mrs. V., some more sugar!" + </p> + <p> + "Sire, I am afraid if we wait till after breakfast it will be too late," + says Glumboso. "He—he—he'll be hanged at half-past nine." + </p> + <p> + "Don't talk about hanging and spoil my breakfast, you unkind, vulgar man + you," cries the Princess. "John, some mustard. Pray who is to be hanged?" + </p> + <p> + "Sire, it is the Prince," whispers Glumboso to the King. + </p> + <p> + "Talk about business after breakfast, I tell you!" says his Majesty, quite + sulky. + </p> + <p> + "We shall have a war, Sire, depend on it," says the Minister. "His father, + King Padella. . . ." + </p> + <p> + "His father, King WHO?" says the King. "King Padella is not Giglio's + father. My brother, King Savio, was Giglio's father." + </p> + <p> + "It's Prince Bulbo they are hanging, Sire, not Prince Giglio," says the + Prime Minister. + </p> + <p> + "You told me to hang the Prince, and I took the ugly one," says Hedzoff. + "I didn't, of course, think Your Majesty intended to murder your own flesh + and blood!" + </p> + <p> + The King for all reply flung the plate of sausages at Hedzoff's head. The + Princess cried out "Hee-karee-karee!" and fell down in a fainting fit. + </p> + <p> + "Turn the cock of the urn upon Her Royal Highness," said the King, and the + boiling water gradually revived her. His Majesty looked at his watch, + compared it by the clock in the parlor, and by that of the church in the + square opposite; then he wound it up; then he looked at it again. "The + great question is," says he, "am I fast or am I slow? If I'm slow, we may + as well go on with breakfast. If I'm fast, why, there is just the + possibility of saving Prince Bulbo. It's a doosid awkward mistake, and + upon my word, Hedzoff, I have the greatest mind to have you hanged too." + </p> + <p> + "Sire, I did but my duty: a soldier has but his orders. I didn't expect + after forty-seven years of faithful service, that my sovereign would think + of putting me to a felon's death!" + </p> + <p> + "A hundred thousand plagues upon you! Can't you see that while you are + talking my Bulbo is being hung?" screamed the Princess. + </p> + <p> + "By Jove! she's always right, that girl, and I'm so absent," says the + King, looking at his watch again. "Ha! there go the drums! What a doosid + awkward thing though!" + </p> + <p> + "O, papa, you goose! Write the reprieve, and let me run with it," cries + the Princess—and she got a sheet of paper, and pen and ink, and laid + them before the King. + </p> + <p> + "Confound it! Where are my spectacles?" the Monarch exclaimed. "Angelica! + Go up into my bedroom, look under my pillow, not your mamma's; there + you'll see my keys. Bring them down to me, and—Well, well! what + impetuous things these girls are!" Angelica was gone, and had run up + panting to the bedroom, and found the keys, and was back again before the + King had finished a muffin. "Now, love," says he, "you must go all the way + back for my desk, in which my spectacles are. If you would but have heard + me out. . . . Be hanged to her! There she is off again. Angelica! + ANGELICA!" When his Majesty called in his LOUD voice, she knew she must + obey, and came back. + </p> + <p> + "My dear, when you go out of a room, how often have I told you, SHUT THE + DOOR. That's a darling. That's all." At last the keys and the desk and the + spectacles were got, and the King mended his pen, and signed his name to a + reprieve, and Angelica ran with it as swift as the wind. "You'd better + stay, my love, and finish the muffins. There's no use going. Be sure it's + too late. Hand me over that raspberry jam, please," said the Monarch. + "Bong! Bawong! There goes the half-hour. I knew it was." + </p> + <p> + Angelica ran, and ran, and ran, and ran. She ran up Fore Street, and down + High Street, and through the Market-place, and down to the left, and over + the bridge, and up the blind alley, and back again, and round by the + Castle, and so along by the Haberdasher's on the right, opposite the + lamp-post, and round the square, and she came—she came to the + EXECUTION PLACE, where she saw Bulbo laying his head on the block!!! The + executioner raised his axe, but at that moment the Princess came panting + up and cried Reprieve! "Reprieve!" screamed the Princess. "Reprieve!" + shouted all the people. Up the scaffold stairs she sprang, with the + agility of a lighter of lamps; and flinging herself in Bulbo's arms, + regardless of all ceremony, she cried out, "Oh, my Prince! my lord! my + love! my Bulbo! Thine Angelica has been in time to save thy precious + existence, sweet rosebud; to prevent thy being nipped in thy young bloom! + Had aught befallen thee, Angelica too had died, and welcomed death that + joined her to her Bulbo." + </p> + <p> + "H'm! there's no accounting for tastes," said Bulbo, looking so very much + puzzled and uncomfortable that the Princess, in tones of tenderest strain, + asked the cause of his disquiet. + </p> + <p> + "I tell you what it is, Angelica," said he, "since I came here yesterday, + there has been such a row, and disturbance, and quarrelling, and fighting, + and chopping of heads off, and the deuce to pay, that I am inclined to go + back to Crim Tartary." + </p> + <p> + "But with me as thy bride, my Bulbo! Though wherever thou art is Crim + Tartary to me, my bold, my beautiful, my Bulbo!" + </p> + <p> + "Well, well, I suppose we must be married," says Bulbo. "Doctor, you came + to read the Funeral Service—read the Marriage Service, will you? + What must be, must. That will satisfy Angelica, and then, in the name of + peace and quietness, do let us go back to breakfast." + </p> + <p> + Bulbo had carried a rose in his mouth all the time of the dismal ceremony. + It was a fairy rose, and he was told by his mother that he ought never to + part with it. So he had kept it between his teeth, even when he laid his + poor head upon the block, hoping vaguely that some chance would turn up in + his favor. As he began to speak to Angelica, he forgot about the rose, and + of course it dropped out of his mouth. The romantic Princess instantly + stooped and seized it. "Sweet rose!" she exclaimed, "that bloomed upon my + Bulbo's lip, never, never will I part from thee!" and she placed it in her + bosom. And you know Bulbo COULDN'T ask her to give the rose back again. + And they went to breakfast; and as they walked, it appeared to Bulbo that + Angelica became more exquisitely lovely every moment. + </p> + <p> + He was frantic until they were married; and now, strange to say, it was + Angelica who didn't care about him! He knelt down, he kissed her hand, he + prayed and begged; he cried with admiration; while she for her part said + she really thought they might wait; it seemed to her he was not handsome + any more—no, not at all, quite the reverse; and not clever, no, very + stupid; and not well bred, like Giglio; no, on the contrary, dreadfully + vul— + </p> + <p> + What, I cannot say, for King Valoroso roared out "POOH, stuff!" in a + terrible voice. "We will have no more of this shilly-shallying! Call the + Archbishop, and let the Prince and Princess be married offhand!" + </p> + <p> + So, married they were, and I am sure for my part I trust they will be + happy. + </p> + <p> + XII. HOW BETSINDA FLED, AND WHAT BECAME OF HER. + </p> + <p> + Betsinda wandered on and on, till she passed through the town gates, and + so on the great Crim Tartary road, the very way on which Giglio too was + going. "Ah!" thought she, as the diligence passed her, of which the + conductor was blowing a delightful tune on his horn, "how I should like to + be on that coach!" But the coach and the jingling horses were very soon + gone. She little knew who was in it, though very likely she was thinking + of him all the time. + </p> + <p> + Then came an empty cart, returning from market; and the driver being a + kind man, and seeing such a very pretty girl trudging along the road with + bare feet, most good-naturedly gave her a seat. He said he lived on the + confines of the forest, where his old father was a woodman, and, if she + liked, he would take her so far on her road. All roads were the same to + little Betsinda, so she very thankfully took this one. + </p> + <p> + And the carter put a cloth round her bare feet, and gave her some bread + and cold bacon, and was very kind to her. For all that she was very cold + and melancholy. When after travelling on and on, evening came, and all the + black pines were bending with snow, and there, at last, was the + comfortable light beaming in the woodman's windows; and so they arrived, + and went into his cottage. He was an old man, and had a number of + children, who were just at supper, with nice hot bread-and-milk, when + their elder brother arrived with the cart. And they jumped and clapped + their hands; for they were good children; and he had brought them toys + from the town. And when they saw the pretty stranger, they ran to her, and + brought her to the fire, and rubbed her poor little feet, and brought her + bread and milk. + </p> + <p> + "Look, father!" they said to the old woodman, "look at this poor girl, and + see what pretty cold feet she has. They are as white as our milk! And look + and see what an odd cloak she has, just like the bit of velvet that hangs + up in our cupboard, and which you found that day the little cubs were + killed by King Padella, in the forest! And look, why, bless us all! she + has got round her neck just such another little shoe as that you brought + home, and have shown us so often—a little blue velvet shoe!" + </p> + <p> + "What," said the old woodman, "what is all this about a shoe and a cloak?" + </p> + <p> + And Betsinda explained that she had been left, when quite a little child, + at the town with this cloak and this shoe. And the persons who had taken + care of her had—had been angry with her, for no fault, she hoped, of + her own. And they had sent her away with her old clothes—and here, + in fact, she was. She remembered having been in a forest—and perhaps + it was a dream—it was so very odd and strange—having lived in + a cave with lions there; and, before that, having lived in a very, very + fine house, as fine as the King's, in the town. + </p> + <p> + When the woodman heard this, he was so astonished, it was quite curious to + see how astonished he was. He went to his cupboard, and took out of a + stocking a five-shilling piece of King Cavolfiore, and vowed it was + exactly like the young woman. And then he produced the shoe and piece of + velvet which he had kept so long, and compared them with the things which + Betsinda wore. In Betsinda's little shoe was written, "Hopkins, maker to + the Royal Family"; so in the other shoe was written, "Hopkins, maker to + the Royal Family." In the inside of Betsinda's piece of cloak was + embroidered, "PRIN ROSAL"; in the other piece of cloak was embroidered + "CESS BA. NO. 246." So that when put together you read, "PRINCESS ROSALBA. + NO. 246." + </p> + <p> + On seeing this, the dear old woodman fell down on his knee, saying, "O my + Princess, O my gracious royal lady, O my rightful Queen of Crim Tartary,—I + hail thee—I acknowledge thee—I do thee homage!" And in token + of his fealty, he rubbed his venerable nose three times on the ground, and + put the Princess's foot on his head. + </p> + <p> + "Why," said she, "my good woodman, you must be a nobleman of my royal + father's Court!" For in her lowly retreat, and under the name of Betsinda, + HER MAJESTY, ROSALBA, Queen of Crim Tartary, had read of the customs of + all foreign courts and nations. + </p> + <p> + "Marry, indeed, am I, my gracious liege—the poor Lord Spinachi once—the + humble woodman these fifteen years syne—ever since the tyrant + Padella (may ruin overtake the treacherous knave!) dismissed me from my + post of First Lord." + </p> + <p> + "First Lord of the Toothpick and Joint Keeper of the Snuffbox? I mind me! + Thou heldest these posts under our royal Sire. They are restored to thee, + Lord Spinachi! I make thee knight of the second class of our Order of the + Pumpkin (the first class being reserved for crowned heads alone). Rise, + Marquis of Spinachi!" And with indescribable majesty, the Queen, who had + no sword handy, waved the pewter spoon with which she had been taking her + bread-and-milk, over the bald head of the old nobleman, whose tears + absolutely made a puddle on the ground, and whose dear children went to + bed that night Lords and Ladies Bartolomeo, Ubaldo, Catarina, and Ottavia + degli Spinachi! + </p> + <p> + The acquaintance HER MAJESTY showed with the history, and NOBLE FAMILIES + of her empire, was wonderful. "The House of Broccoli should remain + faithful to us," she said; "they were ever welcome at our Court. Have the + Articiocchi, as was their wont, turned to the Rising Sun? The family of + Sauerkraut must sure be with us—they were ever welcome in the halls + of King Cavolfiore." And so she went on enumerating quite a list of the + nobility and gentry of Crim Tartary, so admirably had her Majesty profited + by her studies while in exile. + </p> + <p> + The old Marquis of Spinachi said he could answer for them all; that the + whole country groaned under Padella's tyranny, and longed to return to its + rightful sovereign; and late as it was, he sent his children, who knew the + forest well, to summon this nobleman and that; and when his eldest son, + who had been rubbing the horse down and giving him his supper, came into + the house for his own, the Marquis told him to put his boots on, and a + saddle on the mare, and ride hither and thither to such and such people. + </p> + <p> + When the young man heard who his companion in the cart had been, he too + knelt down and put her royal foot on his head; he too bedewed the ground + with his tears; he was frantically in love with her, as everybody now was + who saw her: so were the young Lords Bartolomeo and Ubaldo, who punched + each other's little heads out of jealousy: and so, when they came from + east and west at the summons of the Marquis degli Spinachi, were the Crim + Tartar Lords who still remained faithful to the House of Cavolfiore. They + were such very old gentlemen for the most part that her Majesty never + suspected their absurd passion, and went among them quite unaware of the + havoc her beauty was causing, until an old blind Lord who had joined her + party told her what the truth was; after which, for fear of making the + people too much in love with her, she always wore a veil. She went about + privately, from one nobleman's castle to another; and they visited among + themselves again, and had meetings, and composed proclamations and + counter-proclamations, and distributed all the best places of the kingdom + amongst one another, and selected who of the opposition party should be + executed when the Queen came to her own. And so in about a year they were + ready to move. + </p> + <p> + The party of Fidelity was in truth composed of very feeble old fogies for + the most part; they went about the country waving their old swords and + flags, and calling "God save the Queen!" and King Padella happening to be + absent upon an invasion, they had their own way for a little, and to be + sure the people were very enthusiastic whenever they saw the Queen; + otherwise the vulgar took matters very quietly, for they said, as far as + they could recollect, they were pretty well as much taxed in Cavolfiore's + time, as now in Padella's. + </p> + <p> + XIII. HOW QUEEN ROSALBA CAME TO THE CASTLE OF THE BOLD COUNT HOGGINARMO. + </p> + <p> + Her Majesty, having indeed nothing else to give, made all her followers + Knights of the Pumpkin, and Marquises, Earls, and Baronets; and they had a + little court for her, and made her a little crown of gilt paper, and a + robe of cotton velvet; and they quarrelled about the places to be given + away in her court, and about rank and precedence and dignities;—you + can't think how they quarrelled! The poor Queen was very tired of her + honors before she had had them a month, and I dare say sighed sometimes + even to be a lady's-maid again. But we must all do our duty in our + respective stations, so the Queen resigned herself to perform hers. + </p> + <p> + We have said how it happened that none of the Usurper's troops came out to + oppose this Army of Fidelity: it pottered along as nimbly as the gout of + the principal commanders allowed: it consisted of twice as many officers + as soldiers: and at length passed near the estates of one of the most + powerful noblemen of the country, who had not declared for the Queen, but + of whom her party had hopes, as he was always quarrelling with King + Padella. + </p> + <p> + When they came close to his park gates, this nobleman sent to say he would + wait upon her Majesty: he was a most powerful warrior, and his name was + Count Hogginarmo, whose helmet it took two strong negroes to carry. He + knelt down before her and said, "Madam and liege lady! it becomes the + great nobles of the Crimean realm to show every outward sign of respect to + the wearer of the Crown, whoever that may be. We testify to our own + nobility in acknowledging yours. The bold Hogginarmo bends the knee to the + first of the aristocracy of his country." + </p> + <p> + Rosalba said the bold Count of Hogginarmo was uncommonly kind; but she + felt afraid of him, even while he was kneeling, and his eyes scowled at + her from between his whiskers, which grew up to them. + </p> + <p> + "The first Count of the Empire, madam," he went on, "salutes the + Sovereign. The Prince addresses himself to the not more noble lady! Madam, + my hand is free, and I offer it, and my heart and my sword to your + service! My three wives lie buried in my ancestral vaults. The third + perished but a year since; and this heart pines for a consort! Deign to be + mine, and I swear to bring to your bridal table the head of King Padella, + the eyes and nose of his son Prince Bulbo, the right hand and ears of the + usurping Sovereign of Paflagonia, which country shall thenceforth be an + appanage to your—to OUR Crown! Say yes; Hogginarmo is not accustomed + to be denied. Indeed I cannot contemplate the possibility of a refusal; + for frightful will be the result; dreadful the murders; furious the + devastations; horrible the tyranny; tremendous the tortures, misery, + taxation, which the people of this realm will endure, if Hogginarmo's + wrath be aroused! I see consent in Your Majesty's lovely eyes—their + glances fill my soul with rapture!" + </p> + <p> + "Oh, sir!" Rosalba said, withdrawing her hand in great fright. "Your + Lordship is exceedingly kind; but I am sorry to tell you that I have a + prior attachment to a young gentleman by the name of—Prince Giglio—and + never—never can marry any one but him." + </p> + <p> + Who can describe Hogginarmo's wrath at this remark? Rising up from the + ground, he ground his teeth so that fire flashed out of his mouth, from + which at the same time issued remarks and language, so LOUD, VIOLENT, AND + IMPROPER, that this pen shall never repeat them! "R-r-r-r-r-r—Rejected! + Fiends and perdition! The bold Hogginarmo rejected! All the world shall + hear of my rage; and you, madam, you above all shall rue it!" And kicking + the two negroes before him, he rushed away, his whiskers streaming in the + wind. + </p> + <p> + Her Majesty's Privy Council was in a dreadful panic when they saw + Hogginarmo issue from the royal presence in such a towering rage, making + footballs of the poor negroes—a panic which the events justified. + They marched off from Hogginarmo's park very crest-fallen; and in another + half-hour they were met by that rapacious chieftain with a few of his + followers, who cut, slashed, charged, whacked, banged, and pommelled + amongst them, took the Queen prisoner, and drove the Army of Fidelity to I + don't know where. + </p> + <p> + Poor Queen! Hogginarmo, her conqueror, would not condescend to see her. + "Get a horse-van!" he said to his grooms, "clap the hussy into it, and + send her, with my compliments, to his Majesty King Padella." + </p> + <p> + Along with his lovely prisoner, Hogginarmo sent a letter full of servile + compliments and loathsome flatteries to King Padella, for whose life, and + that of his royal family, the HYPOCRITICAL HUMBUG pretended to offer the + most fulsome prayers. And Hogginarmo promised speedily to pay his humble + homage at his august master's throne, of which he begged leave to be + counted the most loyal and constant defender. Such a WARY old BIRD as King + Padella was not to be caught by Master Hogginarmo's CHAFF and we shall + hear presently how the tyrant treated his upstart vassal. No, no; depend + on't, two such rogues do not trust one another. + </p> + <p> + So this poor Queen was laid in the straw like Margery Daw, and driven + along in the dark ever so many miles to the Court, where King Padella had + now arrived, having vanquished all his enemies, murdered most of them, and + brought some of the richest into captivity with him for the purpose of + torturing them and finding out where they had hidden their money. + </p> + <p> + Rosalba heard their shrieks and groans in the dungeon in which she was + thrust; a most awful black hole, full of bats, rats, mice, toads, frogs, + mosquitoes, bugs, fleas, serpents, and every kind of horror. No light was + let into it, otherwise the gaolers might have seen her and fallen in love + with her, as an owl that lived up in the roof of the tower did, and a cat, + you know, who can see in the dark, and having set its green eyes on + Rosalba, never would be got to go back to the turnkey's wife to whom it + belonged. And the toads in the dungeon came and kissed her feet, and the + vipers wound round her neck and arms, and never hurt her, so charming was + this poor Princess in the midst of her misfortunes. + </p> + <p> + At last, after she had been kept in this place EVER SO LONG, the door of + the dungeon opened, and the terrible KING PADELLA came in. + </p> + <p> + But what he said and did must be reserved for another chapter, as we must + now back to Prince Giglio. + </p> + <p> + XIV. WHAT BECAME OF GIGLIO. + </p> + <p> + The idea of marrying such an old creature as Gruffanuff frightened Prince + Giglio so, that he ran up to his room, packed his trunks, fetched in a + couple of porters, and was off to the diligence office in a twinkling. + </p> + <p> + It was well that he was so quick in his operations, did not dawdle over + his luggage, and took the early coach: for as soon as the mistake about + Prince Bulbo was found out, that cruel Glumboso sent up a couple of + policemen to Prince Giglio's room, with orders that he should be carried + to Newgate, and his head taken off before twelve o'clock. But the coach + was out of the Paflagonian dominions before two o'clock; and I dare say + the express that was sent after Prince Giglio did not ride very quick, for + many people in Paflagonia had a regard for Giglio, as the son of their old + sovereign; a Prince who, with all his weaknesses, was very much better + than his brother, the usurping, lazy, careless, passionate, tyrannical, + reigning monarch. That Prince busied himself with the balls, fetes, + masquerades, hunting-parties, and so forth, which he thought proper to + give on occasion of his daughter's marriage to Prince Bulbo; and let us + trust was not sorry in his own heart that his brother's son had escaped + the scaffold. + </p> + <p> + It was very cold weather, and the snow was on the ground, and Giglio, who + gave his name as simple Mr. Giles, was very glad to get a comfortable + place in the coupe of the diligence, where he sat with the conductor and + another gentleman. At the first stage from Blombodinga, as they stopped to + change horses, there came up to the diligence a very ordinary, + vulgar-looking woman, with a bag under her arm, who asked for a place. All + the inside places were taken, and the young woman was informed that if she + wished to travel, she must go upon the roof; and the passenger inside with + Giglio (a rude person, I should think), put his head out of the window, + and said, "Nice weather for travelling outside! I wish you a pleasant + journey, my dear." The poor woman coughed very much, and Giglio pitied + her. "I will give up my place to her," says he, "rather than she should + travel in the cold air with that horrid cough." On which the vulgar + traveller said, "YOU'D keep her warm, I am sure, if it's a MUFF she + wants." On which Giglio pulled his nose, boxed his ears, hit him in the + eye, and gave this vulgar person a warning never to call him MUFF again. + </p> + <p> + Then he sprang up gaily on to the roof of the diligence, and made himself + very comfortable in the straw. The vulgar traveller got down only at the + next station, and Giglio took his place again, and talked to the person + next to him. She appeared to be a most agreeable, well-informed, and + entertaining female. They travelled together till night, and she gave + Giglio all sorts of things out of the bag which she carried, and which + indeed seemed to contain the most wonderful collection of articles. He was + thirsty—out there came a pint bottle of Bass's pale ale, and a + silver mug! Hungry—she took out a cold fowl, some slices of ham, + bread, salt, and a most delicious piece of cold plum-pudding, and a little + glass of brandy afterwards. + </p> + <p> + As they travelled, this plain-looking, queer woman talked to Giglio on a + variety of subjects, in which the poor Prince showed his ignorance as much + as she did her capacity. He owned, with many blushes, how ignorant he was; + on which the lady said, "My dear Gigl—my good Mr. Giles, you are a + young man, and have plenty of time before you. You have nothing to do but + to improve yourself. Who knows but that you may find use for your + knowledge some day? When—when you may be wanted at home, as some + people may be." + </p> + <p> + "Good heavens, madam!" says he, "do you know me?" + </p> + <p> + "I know a number of funny things," says the lady. "I have been at some + people's christenings, and turned away from other folks' doors. I have + seen some people spoilt by good fortune, and others, as I hope, improved + by hardship. I advise you to stay at the town where the coach stops for + the night. Stay there and study, and remember your old friend to whom you + were kind." + </p> + <p> + "And who is my old friend?" asked Giglio. + </p> + <p> + "When you want anything," says the lady, "look in this bag, which I leave + to you as a present, and be grateful to—" + </p> + <p> + "To whom, madam?" says he. + </p> + <p> + "To the Fairy Blackstick," says the lady, flying out of the window. And + then Giglio asked the conductor if he knew where the lady was? + </p> + <p> + "What lady?" says the man; "there has been no lady in this coach, except + the old woman, who got out at the last stage." And Giglio thought he had + been dreaming. But there was the bag which Blackstick had given him lying + on his lap; and when he came to the town he took it in his hand and went + into the inn. + </p> + <p> + They gave him a very bad bedroom, and Giglio, when he woke in the morning, + fancying himself in the Royal Palace at home, called, "John, Charles, + Thomas! My chocolate—my dressing-gown—my slippers;" but nobody + came. There was no bell, so he went and bawled out for water on the top of + the stairs. + </p> + <p> + The landlady came up, looking—looking like this— + </p> + <p> + "What are you a-hollering and a-bellaring for here, young man?" says she. + </p> + <p> + "There's no warm water—no servants; my boots are not even cleaned." + </p> + <p> + "He, he! Clean 'em yourself," says the landlady. "You young students give + yourselves pretty airs. I never heard such impudence." + </p> + <p> + "I'll quit the house this instant," says Giglio. + </p> + <p> + "The sooner the better, young man. Pay your bill and be off. All my rooms + is wanted for gentlefolks, and not for such as you." + </p> + <p> + "You may well keep the Bear Inn," said Giglio. "You should have yourself + painted as the sign." + </p> + <p> + The landlady of the Bear went away GROWLING. And Giglio returned to his + room, where the first thing he saw was the fairy bag lying on the table, + which seemed to give a little hop as he came in. "I hope it has some + breakfast in it," says Giglio, "for I have only a very little money left." + But on opening the bag, what do you think was there? A blacking brush and + a pot of Warren's jet, and on the pot was written, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Poor young men their boots must black: + Use me and cork me and put me back." +</pre> + <p> + So Giglio laughed and blacked his boots, and put back the brush and the + bottle into the bag. + </p> + <p> + When he had done dressing himself, the bag gave another little hop, and he + went to it and took out— + </p> + <p> + 1. A tablecloth and a napkin. + </p> + <p> + 2. A sugar-basin full of the best loaf-sugar. + </p> + <p> + 4, 6, 8, 10. Two forks, two teaspoons, two knives, and a pair of + sugar-tongs, and a butter-knife all marked G. + </p> + <p> + 11, 12, 13. A teacup, saucer, and slop-basin. + </p> + <p> + 14. A jug full of delicious cream. + </p> + <p> + 15. A canister with black tea and green. + </p> + <p> + 16. A large tea-urn and boiling water. + </p> + <p> + 17. A saucepan, containing three eggs nicely done. + </p> + <p> + 18. A quarter of a pound of best Epping butter. + </p> + <p> + 19. A brown loaf. + </p> + <p> + And if he hadn't enough now for a good breakfast, I should like to know + who ever had one? + </p> + <p> + Giglio, having had his breakfast, popped all the things back into the bag, + and went out looking for lodgings. I forgot to say that this celebrated + university town was called Bosforo. + </p> + <p> + He took a modest lodging opposite the Schools, paid his bill at the inn, + and went to his apartment with his trunk, carpet-bag, and not forgetting, + we may be sure, his OTHER bag. + </p> + <p> + When he opened his trunk, which the day before he had filled with his best + clothes, he found it contained only books. And in the first of them which + he opened there was written— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Clothes for the back, books for the head: + Read, and remember them when they are read." +</pre> + <p> + And in his bag, when Giglio looked in it, he found a student's cap and + gown, a writing-book full of paper, an inkstand, pens, and a Johnson's + dictionary, which was very useful to him, as his spelling had been sadly + neglected. + </p> + <p> + So he sat down and worked away, very, very hard for a whole year, during + which "Mr. Giles" was quite an example to all the students in the + University of Bosforo. He never got into any riots or disturbances. The + Professors all spoke well of him, and the students liked him too; so that, + when at examination, he took all the prizes, viz.:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + {The Spelling Prize {The French Prize + {The Writing Prize {The Arithmetic Prize + {The History Prize {The Latin Prize + {The Catechism Prize {The Good Conduct Prize, +</pre> + <p> + all his fellow-students said, "Hurrah! Hurray for Giles! Giles is the boy—the + student's joy! Hurray for Giles!" And he brought quite a quantity of + medals, crowns, books, and tokens of distinction home to his lodgings. + </p> + <p> + One day after the Examinations, as he was diverting himself at a + coffee-house with two friends—(Did I tell you that in his bag, every + Saturday night, he found just enough to pay his bills, with a guinea over, + for pocket-money? Didn't I tell you? Well, he did, as sure as twice twenty + makes forty-five)—he chanced to look in the Bosforo Chronicle, and + read off, quite easily (for he could spell, read, and write the longest + words now), the following:— + </p> + <p> + "ROMANTIC CIRCUMSTANCE.—One of the most extraordinary adventures + that we have ever heard has set the neighboring country of Crim Tartary in + a state of great excitement. + </p> + <p> + "It will be remembered that when the present revered sovereign of Crim + Tartary, his Majesty King PADELLA, took possession of the throne, after + having vanquished, in the terrific battle of Blunderbusco, the late King + CAVOLFIORE, that Prince's only child, the Princess Rosalba, was not found + in the royal palace, of which King Padella took possession, and, it was + said, had strayed into the forest (being abandoned by all her attendants) + where she had been eaten up by those ferocious lions, the last pair of + which were captured some time since, and brought to the Tower, after + killing several hundred persons. + </p> + <p> + "His Majesty King Padella, who has the kindest heart in the world, was + grieved at the accident which had occurred to the harmless little + Princess, for whom his Majesty's known benevolence would certainly have + provided a fitting establishment. But her death seemed to be certain. The + mangled remains of a cloak, and a little shoe, were found in the forest, + during a hunting-party, in which the intrepid sovereign of Crim Tartary + slew two of the lions' cubs with his own spear. And these interesting + relics of an innocent little creature were carried home and kept by their + finder, the Baron Spinachi, formerly an officer in Cavolfiore's household. + The Baron was disgraced in consequence of his known legitimist opinions, + and has lived for some time in the humble capacity of a wood-cutter, in a + forest on the outskirts of the Kingdom of Crim Tartary. + </p> + <p> + "Last Tuesday week Baron Spinachi and a number of gentlemen, attached to + the former dynasty, appeared in arms, crying, 'God save Rosalba, the first + Queen of Crim Tartary!' and surrounding a lady whom report describes as + 'BEAUTIFUL EXCEEDINGLY.' Her history MAY be authentic, IS certainly most + romantic. + </p> + <p> + "The personage calling herself Rosalba states that she was brought out of + the forest, fifteen years since, by a lady in a car drawn by dragons (this + account is certainly IMPROBABLE), that she was left in the Palace Garden + of Blombodinga, where Her Royal Highness the Princess Angelica, now + married to His Royal Highness Bulbo, Crown Prince of Crim Tartary, found + the child, and, with THAT ELEGANT BENEVOLENCE which has always + distinguished the heiress of the throne of Paflagonia, gave the little + outcast a SHELTER AND A HOME! Her parentage not being known, and her garb + very humble, the foundling was educated in the Palace in a menial + capacity, under the name of BETSINDA. + </p> + <p> + "She did not give satisfaction, and was dismissed, carrying with her, + certainly, part of a mantle and a shoe, which she had on when first found. + According to her statement she quitted Blombodinga about a year ago, since + which time she has been with the Spinachi family. On the very same morning + the Prince Giglio, nephew to the King of Paflagonia, a young Prince whose + character for TALENT and ORDER were, to say truth, NONE OF THE HIGHEST, + also quitted Blombodinga, and has not been since heard of!" + </p> + <p> + "What an extraordinary story!" said Smith and Jones, two young students, + Giglio's especial friends. + </p> + <p> + "Ha! what is this?" Giglio went on, reading:— + </p> + <p> + "SECOND EDITION, EXPRESS.—We hear that the troop under Baron + Spinachi has been surrounded, and utterly routed, by General Count + Hogginarmo, and the soi-disant Princess is sent a prisoner to the capital. + </p> + <p> + "UNIVERSITY NEWS.—Yesterday, at the Schools, the distinguished young + student, Mr. Giles, read a Latin oration, and was complimented by the + Chancellor of Bosforo, Dr. Prugnaro, with the highest University honor—the + wooden spoon." + </p> + <p> + "Never mind that stuff," says GILES, greatly disturbed. "Come home with + me, my friends. Gallant Smith! intrepid Jones! friends of my studies—partakers + of my academic toils—I have that to tell which shall astonish your + honest minds." + </p> + <p> + "Go it, old boy!" cries the impetuous Smith. + </p> + <p> + "Talk away, my buck!" says Jones, a lively fellow. + </p> + <p> + With an air of indescribable dignity, Giglio checked their natural, but no + more seemly, familiarity. "Jones, Smith, my good friends," said the + PRINCE, "disguise is henceforth useless; I am no more the humble student + Giles, I am the descendant of a royal line." + </p> + <p> + "Atavis edite regibus. I know, old co—" cried Jones. He was going to + say old cock, but a flash from THE ROYAL EYE again awed him. + </p> + <p> + "Friends," continued the Prince, "I am that Giglio: I am, in fact, + Paflagonia. Rise, Smith, and kneel not in the public street. Jones, thou + true heart! My faithless uncle, when I was a baby, filched from me that + brave crown my father left me, bred me, all young and careless of my + rights, like unto hapless Hamlet, Prince of Denmark; and had I any + thoughts about my wrongs, soothed me with promises of near redress. I + should espouse his daughter, young Angelica; we two indeed should reign in + Paflagonia. His words were false—false as Angelica's heart!—false + as Angelica's hair, color, front teeth! She looked with her skew eyes upon + young Bulbo, Crim Tartary's stupid heir, and she preferred him. Twas then + I turned my eyes upon Betsinda—Rosalba, as she now is. And I saw in + her the blushing sum of all perfection; the pink of maiden modesty; the + nymph that my fond heart had ever woo'd in dreams," &c. &c. + </p> + <p> + (I don't give this speech, which was very fine, but very long; and though + Smith and Jones knew nothing about the circumstances, my dear reader does, + so I go on.) + </p> + <p> + The Prince and his young friends hastened home to his apartment, highly + excited by the intelligence, as no doubt by the ROYAL NARRATOR'S admirable + manner of recounting it, and they ran up to his room where he had worked + so hard at his books. + </p> + <p> + On his writing-table was his bag, grown so long that the Prince could not + help remarking it. He went to it, opened it, and what do you think he + found in it? + </p> + <p> + A splendid long, gold-handled, red-velvet-scabbarded, cut-and-thrust + sword, and on the sheath was embroidered "ROSALBA FOR EVER!" + </p> + <p> + He drew out the sword, which flashed and illuminated the whole room, and + called out "Rosalba for ever!" Smith and Jones following him, but quite + respectfully this time, and taking the time from His Royal Highness. + </p> + <p> + And now his trunk opened with a sudden pong, and out there came three + ostrich feathers in a gold crown, surrounding a beautiful shining steel + helmet, a cuirass, a pair of spurs, finally a complete suit of armor. + </p> + <p> + The books on Giglio's shelves were all gone. Where there had been some + great dictionaries, Giglio's friends found two pairs of jack-boots + labelled, "Lieutenant Smith," "—— Jones, Esq.," which fitted + them to a nicety. Besides, there were helmets, back and breast plates, + swords, &c., just like in Mr. G. P. R. James's novels; and that + evening three cavaliers might have been seen issuing from the gates of + Bosforo, in whom the porters, proctors, &c., never thought of + recognising the young Prince and his friends. + </p> + <p> + They got horses at a livery stable-keeper's, and never drew bridle until + they reached the last town on the frontier before you come to Crim + Tartary. Here, as their animals were tired, and the cavaliers hungry, they + stopped and refreshed at an hostel. I could make a chapter of this if I + were like some writers, but I like to cram my measure tight down, you see, + and give you a great deal for your money, and, in a word, they had some + bread and cheese and ale upstairs on the balcony of the inn. As they were + drinking, drums and trumpets sounded nearer and nearer, the marketplace + was filled with soldiers, and His Royal Highness looking forth, recognised + the Paflagonian banners, and the Paflagonian national air which the bands + were playing. + </p> + <p> + The troops all made for the tavern at once, and as they came up Giglio + exclaimed, on beholding their leader, "Whom do I see? Yes!—no! It + is, it is!—Phoo!—No, it can't be! Yes! it is my friend, my + gallant faithful veteran, Captain Hedzoff! Ho, Hedzoff! Knowest thou not + thy Prince, thy Giglio? Good Corporal, methinks we once were friends. Ha, + Sergeant, an my memory serves me right, we have had many a bout at + singlestick." + </p> + <p> + "I' faith, we have, a many, good my Lord," says the Sergeant. + </p> + <p> + "Tell me, what means this mighty armament," continued His Royal Highness + from the balcony, "and whither march my Paflagonians?" + </p> + <p> + Hedzoff's head fell. "My Lord," he said, "we march as the allies of great + Padella, Crim Tartary's monarch." + </p> + <p> + "Crim Tartary's usurper, gallant Hedzoff! Crim Tartary's grim tyrant, + honest Hedzoff!" said the Prince, on the balcony, quite sarcastically. + </p> + <p> + "A soldier, Prince, must needs obey his orders: mine are to help his + Majesty Padella. And also (though alack that I should say it!) to seize + wherever I should light upon him—" + </p> + <p> + "First catch your hare! ha, Hedzoff!" exclaimed His Royal Highness. + </p> + <p> + "—On the body of GIGLIO, whilome Prince of Paflagonia" Hedzoff went + on, with indescribable emotion. "My Prince, give up your sword without + ado. Look! we are thirty thousand men to one!" + </p> + <p> + "Give up my sword! Giglio give up his sword!" cried the Prince; and + stepping well forward on to the balcony, the royal youth, WITHOUT + PREPARATION, delivered a speech so magnificent, that no report can do + justice to it. It was all in blank verse (in which, from this time, he + invariably spoke, as more becoming his majestic station). It lasted for + three days and three nights, during which not a single person who heard + him was tired, or remarked the difference between daylight and dark. The + soldiers only cheering tremendously, when occasionally, once in nine + hours, the Prince paused to suck an orange, which Jones took out of the + bag. He explained, in terms which we say we shall not attempt to convey, + the whole history of the previous transaction, and his determination not + only not to give up his sword, but to assume his rightful crown; and at + the end of this extraordinary, this truly GIGANTIC effort, Captain Hedzoff + flung up his helmet, and cried, "Hurray! Hurray! Long live King Giglio!" + </p> + <p> + Such were the consequences of having employed his time well at College! + </p> + <p> + When the excitement had ceased, beer was ordered out for the army, and + their Sovereign himself did not disdain a little! And now it was with some + alarm that Captain Hedzoff told him his division was only the advanced + guard of the Paflagonian contingent, hastening to King Padella's aid; the + main force being a day's march in the rear under His Royal Highness Prince + Bulbo. + </p> + <p> + "We will wait here, good friend, to beat the Prince," his Majesty said, + "and THEN will make his royal father wince." + </p> + <p> + XV. WE RETURN TO ROSALBA. + </p> + <p> + King Padella made very similar proposals to Rosalba to those which she had + received from the various princes who, as we have seen, had fallen in love + with her. His Majesty was a widower, and offered to marry his fair captive + that instant, but she declined his invitation in her usual polite gentle + manner, stating that Prince Giglio was her love, and that any other union + was out of the question. Having tried tears and supplications in vain, + this violent-tempered monarch menaced her with threats and tortures; but + she declared she would rather suffer all these than accept the hand of her + father's murderer, who left her finally, uttering the most awful + imprecations, and bidding her prepare for death on the following morning. + </p> + <p> + All night long the King spent in advising how he should get rid of this + obdurate young creature. Cutting off her head was much too easy a death + for her; hanging was so common in his Majesty's dominions that it no + longer afforded him any sport; finally, he bethought himself of a pair of + fierce lions which had lately been sent to him as presents, and he + determined, with these ferocious brutes, to hunt poor Rosalba down. + Adjoining his castle was an amphitheatre where the Prince indulged in + bull-baiting, rat-hunting, and other ferocious sports. The two lions were + kept in a cage under this place; their roaring might be heard over the + whole city, the inhabitants of which, I am sorry to say, thronged in + numbers to see a poor young lady gobbled up by two wild beasts. + </p> + <p> + The King took his place in the royal box, having the officers of his Court + around and the Count Hogginarmo by his side, upon whom his Majesty was + observed to look very fiercely: the fact is, royal spies had told the + monarch of Hogginarmo's behavior, his proposals to Rosalba, and his offer + to fight for the crown. Black as thunder looked King Padella at this proud + noble, as they sat in the front seats of the theatre waiting to see the + tragedy whereof poor Rosalba was to be the heroine. + </p> + <p> + At length that Princess was brought out in her nightgown, with all her + beautiful hair falling down her back, and looking so pretty that even the + beef-eaters and keepers of the wild animals wept plentifully at seeing + her. And she walked with her poor little feet (only luckily the arena was + covered with sawdust), and went and leaned up against a great stone in the + centre of the amphitheatre, round which the Court and the people were + seated in boxes, with bars before them, for fear of the great, fierce, + red-maned, black-throated, long-tailed, roaring, bellowing, rushing lions. + </p> + <p> + And now the gates were opened, and with a "Wurrawarrurawarar!" two great + lean, hungry, roaring lions rushed out of their den, where they had been + kept for three weeks on nothing but a little toast-and-water, and dashed + straight up to the stone where poor Rosalba was waiting. Commend her to + your patron saints, all you kind people, for she is in a dreadful state! + </p> + <p> + There was a hum and a buzz all through the circus, and the fierce King + Padella even felt a little compassion. But Count Hogginarmo, seated by his + Majesty, roared out "Hurray! Now for it! Soo-soo-soo!" that nobleman being + uncommonly angry still at Rosalba's refusal of him. + </p> + <p> + But, O strange event! O remarkable circumstance! O extraordinary + coincidence, which I am sure none of you could BY ANY POSSIBILITY have + divined! When the lions came to Rosalba, instead of devouring her with + their great teeth, it was with kisses they gobbled her up! They licked her + pretty feet, they nuzzled their noses in her lap, they moo'd, they seemed + to say, "Dear, dear sister don't you recollect your brothers in the + forest?" And she put her pretty white arms round their tawny necks, and + kissed them. + </p> + <p> + King Padella was immensely astonished. The Count Hogginarmo was extremely + disgusted. "Pooh!" the Count cried. "Gammon!" exclaimed his Lordship. + "These lions are tame beasts come from Wombwell's or Astley's. It is a + shame to put people off in this way. I believe they are little boys + dressed up in door-mats. They are no lions at all." + </p> + <p> + "Ha!" said the King, "you dare to say 'Gammon!' to your Sovereign, do you? + These lions are no lions at all, aren't they? Ho! my beef-eaters! Ho! my + bodyguard! Take this Count Hogginarmo and fling him into the circus! Give + him a sword and buckler, let him keep his armor on, and his weather-eye + out, and fight these lions." + </p> + <p> + The haughty Hogginarmo laid down his opera-glass, and looked scowling + round at the King and his attendants. "Touch me not, dogs!" he said, "or + by St. Nicholas the Elder, I will gore you! Your Majesty thinks Hogginarmo + is afraid? No, not of a hundred thousand lions! Follow me down into the + circus, King Padella, and match thyself against one of yon brutes. Thou + darest not. Let them both come on, then!" And opening a grating of the + box, he jumped lightly down into the circus. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + WURRA WURRA WURRA WUR-AW-AW-AW!!! + In about two minutes + The Count Hogginarmo was + GOBBLED UP + by + those lions, + bones, boots, and all, + and + There was an + End of him. +</pre> + <p> + At this, the King said, "Serve him right, the rebellious ruffian! And now, + as those lions won't eat that young woman—" + </p> + <p> + "Let her off!—let her off!" cried the crowd. + </p> + <p> + "NO!" roared the King. "Let the beef-eaters go down and chop her into + small pieces. If the lions defend her, let the archers shoot them to + death. That hussy shall die in tortures!" + </p> + <p> + "A-a-ah!" cried the crowd. "Shame! shame!" + </p> + <p> + "Who dares cry out 'Shame?'" cried the furious potentate (so little can + tyrants command their passions). "Fling any scoundrel who says a word down + among the lions!" I warrant you there was a dead silence then, which was + broken by a "Pang arang pang pangkarangpang!" and a Knight and a Herald + rode in at the further end of the circus; the Knight, in full armor, with + his vizor up, and bearing a letter on the point of his lance. + </p> + <p> + "Ha!" exclaimed the King, "by my fay, 'tis Elephant and Castle, pursuivant + of my brother of Paflagonia; and the Knight, an my memory serves me, is + the gallant Captain Hedzoff! What news from Paflagonia, gallant Hedzoff? + Elephant and Castle, beshrew me, thy trumpeting must have made thee + thirsty. What will my trusty herald like to drink?" + </p> + <p> + "Bespeaking first safe conduct from your Lordship," said Captain Hedzoff, + "before we take a drink of anything, permit us to deliver our King's + message." + </p> + <p> + "My Lordship, ha!" said Crim Tartary, frowning terrifically. "That title + soundeth strange in the anointed ears of a crowned King. Straightway speak + out your message, Knight and Herald!" + </p> + <p> + Reining up his charger in a most elegant manner close under the King's + balcony, Hedzoff turned to the Herald, and bade him begin. + </p> + <p> + Elephant and Castle, dropping his trumpet over his shoulder, took a large + sheet of paper out of his hat, and began to read:— + </p> + <p> + "O Yes! O Yes! O Yes! Know all men by these presents, that we, Giglio, + King of Paflagonia, Grand Duke of Cappadocia, Sovereign Prince of Turkey + and the Sausage Islands, having assumed our rightful throne and title, + long time falsely borne by our usurping Uncle, styling himself King of + Paflagonia—" + </p> + <p> + "Ha!" growled Padella. + </p> + <p> + "Hereby summon the false traitor, Padella, calling himself King of Crim + Tartary—" + </p> + <p> + The King's curses were dreadful. "Go on, Elephant and Castle!" said the + intrepid Hedzoff. + </p> + <p> + "—To release from cowardly imprisonment his liege lady and rightful + Sovereign, ROSALBA, Queen of Crim Tartary, and restore her to her royal + throne: in default of which, I, Giglio, proclaim the said Padella sneak, + traitor, humbug, usurper, and coward. I challenge him to meet me, with + fists or with pistols, with battle-axe or sword, with blunderbuss or + single-stick, alone or at the head of his army, on foot or on horseback; + and will prove my words upon his wicked ugly body!" + </p> + <p> + "God save the King!" said Captain Hedzoff, executing a demivolte, two + semilunes, and three caracols. + </p> + <p> + "Is that all?" said Padella, with the terrific calm of concentrated fury. + </p> + <p> + "That, sir, is all my royal master's message. Here is his Majesty's letter + in autograph, and here is his glove, and if any gentleman of Crim Tartary + chooses to find fault with his Majesty's expressions, I, Kustasoff + Hedzoff, Captain of the Guard, am very much at his service," and he waved + his lance, and looked at the assembly all round. + </p> + <p> + "And what says my good brother of Paflagonia, my dear son's father-in-law, + to this rubbish?" asked the King. + </p> + <p> + "The King's uncle hath been deprived of the crown he unjustly wore," said + Hedzoff gravely. "He and his ex-minister, Glumboso, are now in prison + waiting the sentence of my royal master. After the battle of Bombardaro—" + </p> + <p> + "Of what?" asked the surprised Padella. + </p> + <p> + "—Of Bombardaro, where my liege, his present Majesty, would have + performed prodigies of valor, but that the whole of his uncle's army came + over to our side, with the exception of Prince Bulbo—" + </p> + <p> + "Ah! my boy, my boy, my Bulbo was no traitor!" cried Padella. + </p> + <p> + "Prince Bulbo, far from coming over to us, ran away, sir; but I caught + him. The Prince is a prisoner in our army, and the most terrific tortures + await him if a hair of the Princess Rosalba's head is injured." + </p> + <p> + "Do they?" exclaimed the furious Padella, who was now perfectly LIVID with + rage. "Do they indeed? So much the worse for Bulbo. I've twenty sons as + lovely each as Bulbo. Not one but is as fit to reign as Bulbo. Whip, + whack, flog, starve, rack, punish, torture Bulbo—break all his bones—roast + him or flay him alive—pull all his pretty teeth out one by one! But + justly dear as Bulbo is to me,—joy of my eyes, fond treasure of my + soul!—Ha, ha, ha, ha! revenge is dearer still. Ho! tortures, + rack-men, executioners—light up the fires and make the pincers hot! + get lots of boiling lead!—Bring out ROSALBA!" + </p> + <p> + XVI. HOW HEDZOFF RODE BACK AGAIN TO KING GIGLIO. + </p> + <p> + Captain Hedzoff rode away when King Padella uttered this cruel command, + having done his duty in delivering the message with which his royal master + had entrusted him. Of course he was very sorry for Rosalba, but what could + he do? + </p> + <p> + So he returned to King Giglio's camp, and found the young monarch in a + disturbed state of mind, smoking cigars in the royal tent. His Majesty's + agitation was not appeased by the news that was brought by his ambassador. + "The brutal, ruthless ruffian royal wretch!" Giglio exclaimed. "As + England's poesy has well remarked, 'The man that lays his hand upon a + woman, save in the way of kindness, is a villain.' Ha, Hedzoff!" + </p> + <p> + "That he is, your Majesty," said the attendant. + </p> + <p> + "And didst thou see her flung into the oil? and didn't the soothing oil—the + emollient oil, refuse to boil, good Hedzoff—and to spoil the fairest + lady ever eyes did look on?" + </p> + <p> + "'Faith, good my liege, I had no heart to look and see a beauteous lady + boiling down; I took your royal message to Padella, and bore his back to + you. I told him you would hold Prince Bulbo answerable. He only said that + he had twenty sons as good as Bulbo, and forthwith he bade the ruthless + executioners proceed." + </p> + <p> + "O cruel father—O unhappy son!" cried the King. "Go, some of you, + and bring Prince Bulbo hither." + </p> + <p> + Bulbo was brought in chains, looking very uncomfortable. Though a + prisoner, he had been tolerably happy, perhaps because his mind was at + rest, and all the fighting was over, and he was playing at marbles with + his guards when the King sent for him. + </p> + <p> + "Oh, my poor Bulbo," said his Majesty, with looks of infinite compassion, + "hast thou heard the news?" (for you see Giglio wanted to break the thing + gently to the Prince), "thy brutal father has condemned Rosalba—p-p-p-ut + her to death, P-p-p-prince Bulbo!" + </p> + <p> + "What, killed Betsinda! Boo-hoo-hoo," cried out Bulbo. "Betsinda! pretty + Betsinda! dear Betsinda! She was the dearest little girl in the world. I + love her better twenty thousand times even than Angelica." And he went on + expressing his grief in so hearty and unaffected a manner that the King + was quite touched by it, and said, shaking Bulbo's hand, that he wished he + had known Bulbo sooner. + </p> + <p> + Bulbo, quite unconsciously, and meaning for the best, offered to come and + sit with his Majesty, and smoke a cigar with him, and console him. The + ROYAL KINDNESS supplied Bulbo with a cigar; he had not had one, he said, + since he was taken prisoner. + </p> + <p> + And now think what must have been the feelings of the most MERCIFUL OF + MONARCHS, when he informed his prisoner that, in consequence of King + Padella's CRUEL AND DASTARDLY BEHAVIOR to Rosalba, Prince Bulbo must + instantly be executed! The noble Giglio could not restrain his tears, nor + could the Grenadiers, nor the officers, nor could Bulbo himself, when the + matter was explained to him, and he was brought to understand that his + Majesty's promise, of course, was ABOVE EVERYTHING, and Bulbo must submit. + So poor Bulbo was led out, Hedzoff trying to console him, by pointing out + that if he had won the battle of Bombardaro, he might have hanged Prince + Giglio. "Yes! But that is no comfort to me now!" said poor Bulbo; nor + indeed was it, poor fellow! + </p> + <p> + He was told the business would be done the next morning at eight, and was + taken back to his dungeon, where every attention was paid to him. The + gaoler's wife sent him tea, and the turnkey's daughter begged him to write + his name in her album, where a many gentlemen had written it on like + occasions! "Bother your album!" says Bulbo. The Undertaker came and + measured him for the handsomest coffin which money could buy: even this + didn't console Bulbo. The Cook brought him dishes which he once used to + like; but he wouldn't touch them: he sat down and began writing an adieu + to Angelica, as the clock kept always ticking, and the hands drawing + nearer to next morning. The Barber came in at night, and offered to shave + him for the next day. Prince Bulbo kicked him away, and went on writing a + few words to Princess Angelica, as the clock kept always ticking, and the + hands hopping nearer and nearer to next morning. He got up on the top of a + hatbox, on the top of a chair, on the top of his bed, on the top of his + table, and looked out to see whether he might escape as the clock kept + always ticking and the hands drawing nearer, and nearer, and nearer. + </p> + <p> + But looking out of the window was one thing, and jumping another: and the + town clock struck seven. So he got into bed for a little sleep, but the + gaoler came and woke him, and said, "Git up, your Royal Ighness, if you + please, it's TEN MINUTES TO EIGHT!" + </p> + <p> + So poor Bulbo got up: he had gone to bed in his clothes (the lazy boy), + and he shook himself, and said he didn't mind about dressing, or having + any breakfast, thank you; and he saw the soldiers who had come for him. + "Lead on!" he said; and they led the way, deeply affected; and they came + into the courtyard, and out into the square, and there was King Giglio + come to take leave of him, and his Majesty most kindly shook hands with + him, and the GLOOMY PROCESSION marched on:—when hark! + </p> + <p> + "Haw—wurraw—wurraw—aworr!" + </p> + <p> + A roar of wild beasts was heard. And who should come riding into the town, + frightening away the boys, and even the beadle and policeman, but ROSALBA! + </p> + <p> + The fact is, that when Captain Hedzoff entered into the court of + Snapdragon Castle, and was discoursing with King Padella, the Lions made a + dash at the open gate, gobbled up the six beef-eaters in a jiffy, and away + they went with Rosalba on the back of one of them, and they carried her, + turn and turn about, till they came to the city where Prince Giglio's army + was encamped. + </p> + <p> + When the KING heard of the QUEEN'S arrival, you may think how he rushed + out of his breakfast-room to hand her Majesty off her Lion! The Lions were + grown as fat as pigs now, having had Hogginarmo and all those beef-eaters, + and were so tame, anybody might pat them. + </p> + <p> + While Giglio knelt (most gracefully) and helped the Princess, Bulbo, for + his part, rushed up and kissed the Lion. He flung his arms round the + forest monarch; he hugged him, and laughed and cried for joy. "Oh, you + darling old beast—oh, how glad I am to see you, and the dear, dear + Bets—that is, Rosalba." + </p> + <p> + "What, is it you, poor Bulbo?" said the Queen. "Oh, how glad I am to see + you," and she gave him her hand to kiss. King Giglio slapped him most + kindly on the back, and said, "Bulbo, my boy, I am delighted, for your + sake, that her Majesty has arrived." + </p> + <p> + "So am I," said Bulbo; "and YOU KNOW WHY." Captain Hedzoff here came up. + "Sire, it is half-past eight: shall we proceed with the execution?" + </p> + <p> + "Execution! what for?" asked Bulbo. + </p> + <p> + "An officer only knows his orders," replied Captain Hedzoff, showing his + warrant: on which his Majesty King Giglio smilingly said Prince Bulbo was + reprieved this time, and most graciously invited him to breakfast. + </p> + <p> + XVII. HOW A TREMENDOUS BATTLE TOOK PLACE, AND WHO WON IT. + </p> + <p> + As soon as King Padella heard—what we know already—that his + victim, the lovely Rosalba, had escaped him, his Majesty's fury knew no + bounds, and he pitched the Lord Chancellor, Lord Chamberlain, and every + officer of the Crown whom he could set eyes on, into the cauldron of + boiling oil prepared for the Princess. Then he ordered out his whole army, + horse, foot, and artillery; and set forth at the head of an innumerable + host, and I should think twenty thousand drummers, trumpeters, and fifers. + </p> + <p> + King Giglio's advance guard, you may be sure, kept that monarch acquainted + with the enemy's dealings, and he was in nowise disconcerted. He was much + too polite to alarm the Princess, his lovely guest, with any unnecessary + rumors of battles impending; on the contrary, he did everything to amuse + and divert her; gave her a most elegant breakfast, dinner, lunch, and got + up a ball for her that evening, when he danced with her every single + dance. + </p> + <p> + Poor Bulbo was taken into favor again, and allowed to go quite free now. + He had new clothes given him, was called "My good cousin" by his Majesty, + and was treated with the greatest distinction by everybody. But it was + easy to see he was very melancholy. The fact is, the sight of Betsinda, + who looked perfectly lovely in an elegant new dress, set poor Bulbo + frantic in love with her again. And he never thought about Angelica, now + Princess Bulbo, whom he had left at home, and who, as we know, did not + care much about him. + </p> + <p> + The King, dancing the twenty-fifth polka with Rosalba, remarked with + wonder the ring she wore; and then Rosalba told him how she had got it + from Gruffanuff, who no doubt had picked it up when Angelica flung it + away. + </p> + <p> + "Yes," says the Fairy Blackstick, who had come to see the young people, + and who had very likely certain plans regarding them—"that ring I + gave the Queen, Giglio's mother, who was not, saving your presence, a very + wise woman: it is enchanted, and whoever wears it looks beautiful in the + eyes of the world. I made poor Prince Bulbo, when he was christened, the + present of a rose which made him look handsome while he had it; but he + gave it to Angelica, who instantly looked beautiful again, whilst Bulbo + relapsed into his natural plainness." + </p> + <p> + "Rosalba needs no ring, I am sure," says Giglio, with a low bow. "She is + beautiful enough, in my eyes, without any enchanted aid." + </p> + <p> + "Oh, sir!" said Rosalba. + </p> + <p> + "Take off the ring and try," said the King, and resolutely drew the ring + off her finger. In HIS eyes she looked just as handsome as before! + </p> + <p> + The King was thinking of throwing the ring away, as it was so dangerous + and made all the people so mad about Rosalba; but being a Prince of great + humor, and good humor too, he cast eyes upon a poor youth who happened to + be looking on very disconsolately, and said— + </p> + <p> + "Bulbo, my poor lad! come and try on this ring. The Princess Rosalba makes + it a present to you." The magic properties of this ring were uncommonly + strong, for no sooner had Bulbo put it on, but lo and behold, he appeared + a personable, agreeable young Prince enough—with a fine complexion, + fair hair, rather stout, and with bandy legs; but these were encased in + such a beautiful pair of yellow morocco boots that nobody remarked them. + And Bulbo's spirits rose up almost immediately after he had looked in the + glass, and he talked to their Majesties in the most lively, agreeable + manner, and danced opposite the Queen with one of the prettiest maids of + honor, and after looking at her Majesty, could not help saying, "How very + odd! she is very pretty, but not so EXTRAORDINARILY handsome." "Oh no, by + no means!" says the Maid of Honor. + </p> + <p> + "But what care I, dear sir," says the Queen, who overheard them, "if YOU + think I am good-looking enough?" + </p> + <p> + His Majesty's glance in reply to this affectionate speech was such that no + painter could draw it. And the Fairy Blackstick said, "Bless you, my + darling children! Now you are united and happy; and now you see what I + said from the first, that a little misfortune has done you both good. YOU, + Giglio, had you been bred in prosperity, would scarcely have learned to + read or write—you would have been idle and extravagant, and could + not have been a good King as now you will be. You, Rosalba, would have + been so flattered, that your little head might have been turned like + Angelica's, who thought herself too good for Giglio." + </p> + <p> + "As if anybody could be good enough for HIM," cried Rosalba. + </p> + <p> + "Oh, you, you darling!" says Giglio. And so she was; and he was just + holding out his arms in order to give her a hug before the whole company, + when a messenger came rushing in, and said, "My Lord, the enemy!" + </p> + <p> + "To arms!" cries Giglio. + </p> + <p> + "Oh, mercy!" says Rosalba, and fainted of course. He snatched one kiss + from her lips, and rushed FORTH TO THE FIELD of battle! + </p> + <p> + The Fairy had provided King Giglio with a suit of armor, which was not + only embroidered all over with jewels, and blinding to your eyes to look + at, but was water-proof, gun-proof, and sword-proof; so that in the midst + of the very hottest battles his Majesty rode about as calmly as if he had + been a British Grenadier at Alma. Were I engaged in fighting for my + country, I should like such a suit of armor as Prince Giglio wore; but, + you know, he was a Prince of a fairy tale, and they always have these + wonderful things. + </p> + <p> + Besides the fairy armor, the Prince had a fairy horse, which would gallop + at any pace you pleased; and a fairy sword, which would lengthen and run + through a whole regiment of enemies at once. With such a weapon at + command, I wonder, for my part, he thought of ordering his army out; but + forth they all came, in magnificent new uniforms, Hedzoff and the Prince's + two college friends each commanding a division, and his Majesty prancing + in person at the head of them all. + </p> + <p> + Ah! if I had the pen of a Sir Archibald Alison, my dear friends, would I + not now entertain you with the account of a most tremendous shindy? Should + not fine blows be struck? dreadful wounds be delivered? arrows darken the + air? cannon balls crash through the battalions? cavalry charge infantry? + infantry pitch into cavalry? bugles blow; drums beat; horses neigh; fifes + sing; soldiers roar, swear, hurray; officers shout out, "Forward, my men!" + "This way, lads!" "Give it 'em, boys!" "Fight for King Giglio, and the + cause of right!" "King Padella for ever!" Would I not describe all this, I + say, and in the very finest language too? But this humble pen does not + possess the skill necessary for the description of combats. In a word, the + overthrow of King Padella's army was so complete, that if they had been + Russians you could not have wished them to be more utterly smashed and + confounded. + </p> + <p> + As for that usurping monarch, having performed acts of valor much more + considerable than could be expected of a royal ruffian and usurper, who + had such a bad cause, and who was so cruel to women,—as for King + Padella, I say, when his army ran away, the King ran away too, kicking his + first general, Prince Punchikoff, from his saddle, and galloping away on + the Prince's horse, having, indeed, had twenty-five or twenty-six of his + own shot under him. Hedzoff coming up, and finding Punchikoff down, as you + may imagine, very speedily disposed of HIM. Meanwhile King Padella was + scampering off as hard as his horse could lay legs to ground. Fast as he + scampered, I promise you somebody else galloped faster; and that + individual, as no doubt you are aware, was the Royal Giglio, who kept + bawling out, "Stay, traitor! Turn, miscreant, and defend thyself! Stand, + tyrant, coward, ruffian, royal wretch, till I cut thy ugly head from thy + usurping shoulders!" And, with his fairy sword, which elongated itself at + will, his Majesty kept poking and prodding Padella in the back, until that + wicked monarch roared with anguish. + </p> + <p> + When he was fairly brought to bay, Padella turned and dealt Prince Giglio + a prodigious crack over the sconce with his battle-axe, a most enormous + weapon, which had cut down I don't know how many regiments in the course + of the afternoon. But, law bless you! though the blow fell right down on + his Majesty's helmet, it made no more impression than if Padella had + struck him with a pat of butter: his battle-axe crumpled up in Padella's + hand, and the Royal Giglio laughed for very scorn at the impotent efforts + of that atrocious usurper. + </p> + <p> + At the ill success of his blow the Crim Tartar monarch was justly + irritated. "If," says he to Giglio, "you ride a fairy horse, and wear + fairy armor, what on earth is the use of my hitting you? I may as well + give myself up a prisoner at once. Your Majesty won't, I suppose, be so + mean as to strike a poor fellow who can't strike again?" + </p> + <p> + The justice of Padella's remark struck the magnanimous Giglio. "Do you + yield yourself a prisoner, Padella?" says he. + </p> + <p> + "Of course I do," says Padella. + </p> + <p> + "Do you acknowledge Rosalba as your rightful Queen, and give up the crown + and all your treasures to your rightful mistress?" + </p> + <p> + "If I must, I must," says Padella, who was naturally very sulky. + </p> + <p> + By this time King Giglio's aides-de-camp had come up, whom his Majesty + ordered to bind the prisoner. And they tied his hands behind him, and + bound his legs tight under his horse, having set him with his face to the + tail; and in this fashion he was led back to King Giglio's quarters, and + thrust into the very dungeon where young Bulbo had been confined. + </p> + <p> + Padella (who was a very different person in the depth of his distress, to + Padella, the proud wearer of the Crim Tartar crown), now most + affectionately and earnestly asked to see his son—his dear eldest + boy—his darling Bulbo; and that good-natured young man never once + reproached his haughty parent for his unkind conduct the day before, when + he would have left Bulbo to be shot without any pity, but came to see his + father, and spoke to him through the grating of the door, beyond which he + was not allowed to go; and brought him some sandwiches from the grand + supper which his Majesty was giving above stairs, in honor of the + brilliant victory which had just been achieved. + </p> + <p> + "I cannot stay with you long, sir," says Bulbo, who was in his best ball + dress, as he handed his father in the prog. "I am engaged to dance the + next quadrille with her Majesty Queen Rosalba, and I hear the fiddles + playing at this very moment." + </p> + <p> + So Bulbo went back to the ball-room and the wretched Padella ate his + solitary supper in silence and tears. + </p> + <p> + All was now joy in King Giglio's circle. Dancing, feasting, fun, + illuminations, and jollifications of all sorts ensued. The people through + whose villages they passed were ordered to illuminate their cottages at + night, and scatter flowers on the roads during the day. They were + requested—and I promise you they did not like to refuse—to + serve the troops liberally with eatables and wine; besides, the army was + enriched by the immense quantity of plunder which was found in King + Padella's camp, and taken from his soldiers; who (after they had given up + everything) were allowed to fraternize with the conquerors; and the united + forces marched back by easy stages towards King Giglio's capital, his + royal banner and that of Queen Rosalba being carried in front of the + troops. Hedzoff was made a Duke and a Field Marshal. Smith and Jones were + promoted to be Earls; the Crim Tartar Order of the Pumpkin and the + Paflagonian decoration of the Cucumber were freely distributed by their + Majesties to the army. Queen Rosalba wore the Paflagonian Ribbon of the + Cucumber across her riding-habit, whilst King Giglio never appeared + without the grand Cordon of the Pumpkin. How the people cheered them as + they rode along side by side! They were pronounced to be the handsomest + couple ever seen: that was a matter of course; but they really WERE very + handsome, and, had they been otherwise, would have looked so, they were so + happy! Their Majesties were never separated during the whole day, but + breakfasted, dined, and supped together always, and rode side by side, + interchanging elegant compliments, and indulging in the most delightful + conversation. At night, her Majesty's ladies of honor (who had all rallied + round her the day after King Padella's defeat) came and conducted her to + the apartments prepared for her; whilst King Giglio, surrounded by his + gentlemen, withdrew to his own Royal quarters. It was agreed they should + be married as soon as they reached the capital, and orders were dispatched + to the Archbishop of Blombodinga, to hold himself in readiness to perform + the interesting ceremony. Duke Hedzoff carried the message, and gave + instructions to have the Royal Castle splendidly refurnished and painted + afresh. The Duke seized Glumboso, the Ex-Prime Minister, and made him + refund that considerable sum of money which the old scoundrel had secreted + out of the late King's treasure. He also clapped Valoroso into prison + (who, by the way, had been dethroned for some considerable period past), + and when the ex-monarch weakly remonstrated, Hedzoff said, "A soldier, + sir, knows but his duty; my orders are to lock you up along with the + ex-King Padella, whom I have brought hither a prisoner under guard." So + these two ex-Royal personages were sent for a year to the House of + Correction, and thereafter were obliged to become monks of the severest + Order of Flagellants, in which state, by fasting, by vigils, by flogging + (which they administered to one another, humbly but resolutely), no doubt + they exhibited a repentance for their past misdeeds, usurpations, and + private and public crimes. + </p> + <p> + As for Glumboso, that rogue was sent to the galleys, and never had an + opportunity to steal any more. + </p> + <p> + XVIII. HOW THEY ALL JOURNEYED BACK TO THE CAPITAL. + </p> + <p> + The Fairy Blackstick, by whose means this young King and Queen had + certainly won their respective crowns back, would come not unfrequently, + to pay them a little visit—as they were riding in their triumphal + progress towards Giglio's capital—change her wand into a pony, and + travel by their Majesties' side, giving them the very best advice. I am + not sure that King Giglio did not think the Fairy and her advice rather a + bore, fancying it was his own valor and merits which had put him on his + throne, and conquered Padella: and, in fine, I fear he rather gave himself + airs towards his best friend and patroness. She exhorted him to deal + justly by his subjects, to draw mildly on the taxes, never to break his + promise when he had once given it—and in all respects to be a good + King. + </p> + <p> + "A good King, my dear Fairy!" cries Rosalba. "Of course he will. Break his + promise! can you fancy my Giglio would ever do anything so improper, so + unlike him? No! never!" And she looked fondly towards Giglio, whom she + thought a pattern of perfection. + </p> + <p> + "Why is Fairy Blackstick always advising me, and telling me how to manage + my government, and warning me to keep my word? Does she suppose that I am + not a man of sense, and a man of honor?" asks Giglio testily. "Methinks + she rather presumes upon her position." + </p> + <p> + "Hush! dear Giglio," says Rosalba. "You know Blackstick has been very kind + to us, and we must not offend her." But the Fairy was not listening to + Giglio's testy observations, she had fallen back, and was trotting on her + pony now, by Master Bulbo's side, who rode a donkey, and made himself + generally beloved in the army by his cheerfulness, kindness, and + good-humor to everybody. He was eager to see his darling Angelica. He + thought there never was such a charming being. Blackstick did not tell him + it was the possession of the magic rose that made Angelica so lovely in + his eyes. She brought him the very best accounts of his little wife, whose + misfortunes and humiliations had indeed very greatly improved her; and, + you see, she could whisk off on her wand a hundred miles in a minute, and + be back in no time, and so carry polite messages from Bulbo to Angelica, + and from Angelica to Bulbo, and comfort that young man upon his journey. + </p> + <p> + When the Royal party arrived at the last stage before you reach + Blombodinga, who should be in waiting, in her carriage there with her lady + of honor by her side, but the Princess Angelica? She rushed into her + husband's arms, scarcely stopping to make a passing curtsey to the King + and Queen. She had no eyes but for Bulbo, who appeared perfectly lovely to + her on account of the fairy ring which he wore; whilst she herself, + wearing the magic rose in her bonnet, seemed entirely beautiful to the + enraptured Bulbo. + </p> + <p> + A splendid luncheon was served to the Royal party, of which the + Archbishop, the Chancellor, Duke Hedzoff, Countess Gruffanuff, and all our + friends partook, the Fairy Blackstick being seated on the left of King + Giglio, with Bulbo and Angelica beside her. You could hear the joy-bells + ringing in the capital, and the guns which the citizens were firing off in + honor of their Majesties. + </p> + <p> + "What can have induced that hideous old Gruffanuff to dress herself up in + such an absurd way? Did you ask her to be your bridesmaid, my dear?" says + Giglio to Rosalba. "What a figure of fun Gruffy is!" + </p> + <p> + Gruffy was seated opposite their Majesties, between the Archbishop and the + Lord Chancellor, and a figure of fun she certainly was, for she was + dressed in a low white silk dress, with lace over, a wreath of white roses + on her wig, a splendid lace veil, and her yellow old neck was covered with + diamonds. She ogled the King in such a manner that his Majesty burst out + laughing. + </p> + <p> + "Eleven o'clock!" cries Giglio, as the great Cathedral bell of Blombodinga + tolled that hour. "Gentlemen and ladies, we must be starting. Archbishop, + you must be at church, I think, before twelve?" + </p> + <p> + "We must be at church before twelve," sighs out Gruffanuff in a + languishing voice, hiding her old face behind her fan. + </p> + <p> + "And then I shall be the happiest man in my dominions," cries Giglio, with + an elegant bow to the blushing Rosalba. + </p> + <p> + "Oh, my Giglio! Oh, my dear Majesty!" exclaims Gruffanuff; "and can it be + that this happy moment at length has arrived—" + </p> + <p> + "Of course it has arrived," says the King. + </p> + <p> + "—and that I am about to become the enraptured bride of my adored + Giglio!" continues Gruffanuff. "Lend me a smelling-bottle, somebody. I + certainly shall faint with joy." + </p> + <p> + "YOU my bride?" roars out Giglio. + </p> + <p> + "YOU marry my Prince?" cried poor little Rosalba. + </p> + <p> + "Pooh! Nonsense! The woman's mad!" exclaims the King. And all the + courtiers exhibited by their countenances and expressions, marks of + surprise, or ridicule, or incredulity, or wonder. + </p> + <p> + "I should like to know who else is going to be married, if I am not?" + shrieks out Gruffanuff. "I should like to know if King Giglio is a + gentleman, and if there is such a thing as justice in Paflagonia? Lord + Chancellor! my Lord Archbishop! will your Lordships sit by and see a poor, + fond, confiding, tender creature put upon? Has not Prince Giglio promised + to marry his Barbara? Is not this Giglio's signature? Does not this paper + declare that he is mine, and only mine?" And she handed to his Grace the + Archbishop the document which the Prince signed that evening when she wore + the magic ring, and Giglio drank so much champagne. And the old + Archbishop, taking out his eyeglasses, read—"This is to give notice, + that I, Giglio, only son of Savio, King of Paflagonia, hereby promise to + marry the charming Barbara Griselda Countess Gruffanuff, and widow of the + late Jenkins Gruffanuff, Esq." + </p> + <p> + "H'm," says the Archbishop, "the document is certainly a—a + document." + </p> + <p> + "Phoo!" says the Lord Chancellor, "the signature is not in his Majesty's + handwriting." Indeed, since his studies at Bosforo, Giglio had made an + immense improvement in caligraphy. + </p> + <p> + "Is it your handwriting, Giglio?" cries the Fairy Blackstick, with an + awful severity of countenance. + </p> + <p> + "Y—y—y—es," poor Giglio gasps out, "I had quite + forgotten the confounded paper: she can't mean to hold me by it. You old + wretch, what will you take to let me off? Help the Queen, some one—her + Majesty has fainted." + </p> + <p> + "Chop her head off!" } exclaim the impetuous Hedzoff, + </p> + <p> + "Smother the old witch!" } the ardent Smith, and the + </p> + <p> + "Pitch her into the river!"} faithful Jones. + </p> + <p> + But Gruffanuff flung her arms round the Archbishop's neck, and bellowed + out, "Justice, justice, my Lord Chancellor!" so loudly, that her piercing + shrieks caused everybody to pause. As for Rosalba, she was borne away + lifeless by her ladies; and you may imagine the look of agony which Giglio + cast towards that lovely being, as his hope, his joy, his darling, his all + in all, was thus removed, and in her place the horrid old Gruffanuff + rushed up to his side, and once more shrieked out, "Justice, justice!" + </p> + <p> + "Won't you take that sum of money which Glumboso hid?" says Giglio; "two + hundred and eighteen thousand millions, or thereabouts. It's a handsome + sum." + </p> + <p> + "I will have that and you too!" says Gruffanuff. + </p> + <p> + "Let us throw the crown jewels into the bargain," gasps out Giglio. + </p> + <p> + "I will wear them by my Giglio's side!" says Gruffanuff. + </p> + <p> + "Will half, three-quarters, five-sixths, nineteen-twentieths, of my + kingdom do, Countess?" asks the trembling monarch. + </p> + <p> + "What were all Europe to me without YOU, my Giglio?" cries Gruff, kissing + his hand. + </p> + <p> + "I won't, I can't, I shan't,—I'll resign the crown first," shouts + Giglio, tearing away his hand; but Gruff clung to it. + </p> + <p> + "I have a competency, my love," she says, "and with thee and a cottage thy + Barbara will be happy." + </p> + <p> + Giglio was half mad with rage by this time. "I will not marry her," says + he. "Oh, Fairy, Fairy, give me counsel?" And as he spoke he looked wildly + round at the severe face of the Fairy Blackstick. + </p> + <p> + "'Why is Fairy Blackstick always advising me, and warning me to keep my + word? Does she suppose that I am not a man of honor?'" said the Fairy, + quoting Giglio's own haughty words. He quailed under the brightness of her + eyes; he felt that there was no escape for him from that awful + inquisition. + </p> + <p> + "Well, Archbishop," said he in a dreadful voice, that made his Grace + start, "since this Fairy has led me to the height of happiness but to dash + me down into the depths of despair, since I am to lose Rosalba, let me at + least keep my honor. Get up, Countess, and let us be married; I can keep + my word, but I can die afterwards." + </p> + <p> + "Oh, dear Giglio," cries Gruffanuff, skipping up, "I knew, I knew I could + trust thee—I knew that my Prince was the soul of honor. Jump into + your carriages, ladies and gentlemen, and let us go to church at once; and + as for dying, dear Giglio, no, no:—thou wilt forget that + insignificant little chambermaid of a Queen—thou wilt live to be + consoled by thy Barbara! She wishes to be a Queen, and not a Queen + Dowager, my gracious Lord!" And hanging upon poor Giglio's arm, and + leering and grinning in his face in the most disgusting manner, this old + wretch tripped off in her white satin shoes, and jumped into the very + carriage which had been got ready to convey Giglio and Rosalba to church. + The cannons roared again, the bells pealed triple-bobmajors, the people + came out flinging flowers upon the path of the royal bride and bridegroom, + and Gruff looked out of the gilt coach window and bowed and grinned to + them. Phoo! the horrid old wretch! + </p> + <p> + XIX. AND NOW WE COME TO THE LAST SCENE IN THE PANTOMIME. + </p> + <p> + The many ups and downs of her life had given the Princess Rosalba + prodigious strength of mind, and that highly principled young woman + presently recovered from her fainting-fit, out of which Fairy Blackstick, + by a precious essence which the Fairy always carried in her pocket, + awakened her. Instead of tearing her hair, crying, and bemoaning herself, + and fainting again, as many young women would have done, Rosalba + remembered that she owed an example of firmness to her subjects; and + though she loved Giglio more than her life, was determined, as she told + the Fairy, not to interfere between him and justice, or to cause him to + break his royal word. + </p> + <p> + "I cannot marry him, but I shall love him always," says she to Blackstick; + "I will go and be present at his marriage with the Countess, and sign the + book, and wish them happy with all my heart. I will see, when I get home, + whether I cannot make the new Queen some handsome presents. The Crim + Tartary crown diamonds are uncommonly fine, and I shall never have any use + for them. I will live and die unmarried like Queen Elizabeth, and, of + course, I shall leave my crown to Giglio when I quit this world. Let us go + and see them married, my dear Fairy, let me say one last farewell to him; + and then, if you please, I will return to my own dominions." + </p> + <p> + So the Fairy kissed Rosalba with peculiar tenderness, and at once changed + her wand into a very comfortable coach-and-four, with a steady coachman, + and two respectable footmen behind, and the Fairy and Rosalba got into the + coach, which Angelica and Bulbo entered after them. As for honest Bulbo, + he was blubbering in the most pathetic manner, quite overcome by Rosalba's + misfortune. She was touched by the honest fellow's sympathy, promised to + restore to him the confiscated estates of Duke Padella his father, and + created him, as he sat there in the coach, Prince, Highness, and First + Grandee of the Crim Tartar Empire. The coach moved on, and, being a fairy + coach, soon came up with the bridal procession. + </p> + <p> + Before the ceremony at church it was the custom in Paflagonia, as it is in + other countries, for the bride and bridegroom to sign the Contract of + Marriage, which was to be witnessed by the Chancellor, Minister, Lord + Mayor, and principal officers of state. Now, as the royal palace was being + painted and furnished anew, it was not ready for the reception of the King + and his bride, who proposed at first to take up their residence at the + Prince's palace, that one which Valoroso occupied when Angelica was born, + and before he usurped the throne. + </p> + <p> + So the marriage party drove up to the palace: the dignitaries got out of + their carriages and stood aside: poor Rosalba stepped out of her coach, + supported by Bulbo, and stood almost fainting up against the railings so + as to have a last look of her dear Giglio. As for Blackstick, she, + according to her custom, had flown out of the coach window in some + inscrutable manner, and was now standing at the palace door. + </p> + <p> + Giglio came up the steps with his horrible bride on his arm, looking as + pale as if he was going to execution. He only frowned at the Fairy + Blackstick—he was angry with her, and thought she came to insult his + misery. + </p> + <p> + "Get out of the way, pray," says Gruffanuff haughtily. "I wonder why you + are always poking your nose into other people's affairs?" + </p> + <p> + "Are you determined to make this poor young man unhappy?" says Blackstick. + </p> + <p> + "To marry him, yes! What business is it of yours? Pray, madam, don't say + 'you' to a Queen," cries Gruffanuff. + </p> + <p> + "You won't take the money he offered you?" + </p> + <p> + "No." + </p> + <p> + "You won't let him off his bargain, though you know you cheated him when + you made him sign the paper?" + </p> + <p> + "Impudence! Policemen, remove this woman!" cries Gruffanuff. And the + policemen were rushing forward, but with a wave of her wand the Fairy + struck them all like so many statues in their places. + </p> + <p> + "You won't take anything in exchange for your bond, Mrs. Gruffanuff," + cries the Fairy, with awful severity. "I speak for the last time." + </p> + <p> + "No!" shrieks Gruffanuff, stamping with her foot. "I'll have my husband, + my husband, my husband!" + </p> + <p> + "YOU SHALL HAVE YOUR HUSBAND!" the Fairy Blackstick cried; and advancing a + step, laid her hand upon the nose of the KNOCKER. + </p> + <p> + As she touched it, the brass nose seemed to elongate, the open mouth + opened still wider, and uttered a roar which made everybody start. The + eyes rolled wildly; the arms and legs uncurled themselves, writhed about, + and seemed to lengthen with each twist; the knocker expanded into a figure + in yellow livery, six feet high; the screws by which it was fixed to the + door unloosed themselves, and JENKINS GRUFFANUFF once more trod the + threshold off which he had been lifted more than twenty years ago! + </p> + <p> + "Master's not at home," says Jenkins, just in his old voice; and Mrs. + Jenkins, giving a dreadful YOUP, fell down in a fit, in which nobody + minded her. + </p> + <p> + For everybody was shouting, "Huzzay! huzzay!" "Hip, hip, hurray!" "Long + live the King and Queen!" "Were such things ever seen?" "No, never, never, + never!" "The Fairy Blackstick for ever!" + </p> + <p> + The bells were ringing double peals, the guns roaring and banging most + prodigiously. Bulbo was embracing everybody; the Lord Chancellor was + flinging up his wig and shouting like a madman; Hedzoff had got the + Archbishop round the waist, and they were dancing a jig for joy; and as + for Giglio, I leave you to imagine what HE was doing, and if he kissed + Rosalba once, twice—twenty thousand times, I'm sure I don't think he + was wrong. + </p> + <p> + So Gruffanuff opened the hall door with a low bow, just as he had been + accustomed to do, and they all went in and signed the book, and then they + went to church and were married, and the Fairy Blackstick sailed away on + her cane, and was never more heard of in Paflagonia. + </p> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's The Christmas Books, by William Makepeace Thackeray + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE CHRISTMAS BOOKS *** + +***** This file should be named 2731-h.htm or 2731-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/7/3/2731/ + +Produced by Donald Lainson; David Widger + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Christmas Books + +Author: William Makepeace Thackeray + +Release Date: May 25, 2006 [EBook #2731] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE CHRISTMAS BOOKS *** + + + + +Produced by Donald Lainson + + + + + +THE CHRISTMAS BOOKS + +of + +MR. M. A. TITMARSH + +by William Makepeace Thackeray + + + + +CONTENTS. + + +CHRISTMAS STORIES. + +Mrs. Perkins's Ball + +Our Street + +Dr. Birch and his Young Friends + +The Kickleburys on the Rhine + +The Rose and the Ring; or, The History of Prince Giglio and Prince Bulbo + + + + +MRS. PERKINS'S BALL. + +THE MULLIGAN (OF BALLYMULLIGAN), AND HOW WE WENT TO MRS. PERKINS'S BALL. + + +I do not know where Ballymulligan is, and never knew anybody who did. +Once I asked the Mulligan the question, when that chieftain assumed a +look of dignity so ferocious, and spoke of "Saxon curiawsitee" in a +tone of such evident displeasure, that, as after all it can matter very +little to me whereabouts lies the Celtic principality in question, I +have never pressed the inquiry any farther. + +I don't know even the Mulligan's town residence. One night, as he bade +us adieu in Oxford Street,--"I live THERE," says he, pointing down +towards Oxbridge, with the big stick he carries--so his abode is in that +direction at any rate. He has his letters addressed to several of +his friends' houses, and his parcels, &c. are left for him at various +taverns which he frequents. That pair of checked trousers, in which you +see him attired, he did me the favor of ordering from my own tailor, +who is quite as anxious as anybody to know the address of the wearer. In +like manner my hatter asked me, "Oo was the Hirish gent as 'ad ordered +four 'ats and a sable boar to be sent to my lodgings?" As I did not +know (however I might guess) the articles have never been sent, and the +Mulligan has withdrawn his custom from the "infernal four-and-nine-penny +scoundthrel," as he calls him. The hatter has not shut up shop in +consequence. + +I became acquainted with the Mulligan through a distinguished countryman +of his, who, strange to say, did not know the chieftain himself. But +dining with my friend Fred Clancy, of the Irish bar, at Greenwich, the +Mulligan came up, "inthrojuiced" himself to Clancy as he said, claimed +relationship with him on the side of Brian Boroo, and drawing his chair +to our table, quickly became intimate with us. He took a great liking +to me, was good enough to find out my address and pay me a visit: since +which period often and often on coming to breakfast in the morning I +have found him in my sitting-room on the sofa engaged with the rolls +and morning papers: and many a time, on returning home at night for an +evening's quiet reading, I have discovered this honest fellow in the +arm-chair before the fire, perfuming the apartment with my cigars and +trying the quality of such liquors as might be found on the sideboard. +The way in which he pokes fun at Betsy, the maid of the lodgings, is +prodigious. She begins to laugh whenever he comes; if he calls her a +duck, a divvle, a darlin', it is all one. He is just as much a master +of the premises as the individual who rents them at fifteen shillings a +week; and as for handkerchiefs, shirt-collars, and the like articles of +fugitive haberdashery, the loss since I have known him is unaccountable. +I suspect he is like the cat in some houses: for, suppose the whiskey, +the cigars, the sugar, the tea-caddy, the pickles, and other groceries +disappear, all is laid upon that edax-rerum of a Mulligan. + +The greatest offence that can be offered to him is to call him MR. +Mulligan. "Would you deprive me, sir," says he, "of the title which was +bawrun be me princelee ancestors in a hundred thousand battles? In +our own green valleys and fawrests, in the American savannahs, in the +sierras of Speen and the flats of Flandthers, the Saxon has quailed +before me war-cry of MULLIGAN ABOO! MR. Mulligan! I'll pitch anybody out +of the window who calls me MR. Mulligan." He said this, and uttered the +slogan of the Mulligans with a shriek so terrific, that my uncle (the +Rev. W. Gruels, of the Independent Congregation, Bungay), who had +happened to address him in the above obnoxious manner, while sitting at +my apartments drinking tea after the May meetings, instantly quitted the +room, and has never taken the least notice of me since, except to state +to the rest of the family that I am doomed irrevocably to perdition. + +Well, one day last season, I had received from my kind and most +estimable friend, MRS. PERKINS OF POCKLINGTON SQUARE (to whose amiable +family I have had the honor of giving lessons in drawing, French, and +the German flute), an invitation couched in the usual terms, on satin +gilt-edged note-paper, to her evening-party; or, as I call it, "Ball." + +Besides the engraved note sent to all her friends, my kind patroness had +addressed me privately as follows:-- + + +MY DEAR MR. TITMARSH,--If you know any VERY eligible young man, we give +you leave to bring him. You GENTLEMEN love your CLUBS so much now, and +care so little for DANCING, that it is really quite A SCANDAL. Come +early, and before EVERYBODY, and give us the benefit of all your taste +and CONTINENTAL SKILL. + +"Your sincere + +"EMILY PERKINS." + + +"Whom shall I bring?" mused I, highly flattered by this mark of +confidence; and I thought of Bob Trippett; and little Fred Spring, of +the Navy Pay Office; Hulker, who is rich, and I knew took lessons +in Paris; and a half-score of other bachelor friends, who might be +considered as VERY ELIGIBLE--when I was roused from my meditation by the +slap of a hand on my shoulder; and looking up, there was the Mulligan, +who began, as usual, reading the papers on my desk. + +"Hwhat's this?" says he. "Who's Perkins? Is it a supper-ball, or only a +tay-ball?" + +"The Perkinses of Pocklington Square, Mulligan, are tiptop people," +says I, with a tone of dignity. "Mr. Perkins's sister is married to a +baronet, Sir Giles Bacon, of Hogwash, Norfolk. Mr. Perkins's uncle was +Lord Mayor of London; and he was himself in Parliament, and MAY BE again +any day. The family are my most particular friends. A tay-ball indeed! +why, Gunter . . ." Here I stopped: I felt I was committing myself. + +"Gunter!" says the Mulligan, with another confounded slap on the +shoulder. "Don't say another word: I'LL go widg you, my boy." + +"YOU go, Mulligan?" says I: "why, really--I--it's not my party." + +"Your hwhawt? hwhat's this letter? a'n't I an eligible young man?--Is +the descendant of a thousand kings unfit company for a miserable +tallow-chandthlering cockney? Are ye joking wid me? for, let me tell ye, +I don't like them jokes. D'ye suppose I'm not as well bawrun and bred as +yourself, or any Saxon friend ye ever had?" + +"I never said you weren't, Mulligan," says I. + +"Ye don't mean seriously that a Mulligan is not fit company for a +Perkins?" + +"My dear fellow, how could you think I could so far insult you?" says I. +"Well, then," says he, "that's a matter settled, and we go." + +What the deuce was I to do? I wrote to Mrs. Perkins; and that kind +lady replied, that she would receive the Mulligan, or any other of my +friends, with the greatest cordiality. "Fancy a party, all Mulligans!" +thought I, with a secret terror. + + +MR. AND MRS. PERKINS, THEIR HOUSE, AND THEIR YOUNG PEOPLE. + + +Following Mrs. Perkins's orders, the present writer made his appearance +very early at Pocklington Square: where the tastiness of all the +decorations elicited my warmest admiration. Supper of course was in +the dining-loom, superbly arranged by Messrs. Grigs and Spooner, the +confectioners of the neighborhood. I assisted my respected friend Mr. +Perkins and his butler in decanting the sherry, and saw, not without +satisfaction, a large bath for wine under the sideboard, in which were +already placed very many bottles of champagne. + +The BACK DINING-ROOM, Mr. P.'s study (where the venerable man goes to +sleep after dinner), was arranged on this occasion as a tea-room, Mrs. +Flouncey (Miss Fanny's maid) officiating in a cap and pink ribbons, +which became her exceedingly. Long, long before the arrival of the +company, I remarked Master Thomas Perkins and Master Giles Bacon, his +cousin (son of Sir Giles Bacon, Bart.), in this apartment, busy among +the macaroons. + +Mr. Gregory the butler, besides John the footman and Sir Giles's +large man in the Bacon livery, and honest Grundsell, carpet-beater and +green-grocer, of Little Pocklington Buildings, had at least half a +dozen of aides-de-camp in black with white neck-cloths, like doctors of +divinity. + +The BACK DRAWING-ROOM door on the landing being taken off the hinges +(and placed up stairs under Mr. Perkins's bed), the orifice was covered +with muslin, and festooned with elegant wreaths of flowers. This was +the Dancing Saloon. A linen was spread over the carpet; and a +band--consisting of Mr. Clapperton, piano, Mr. Pinch, harp, and +Herr Spoff, cornet-a-piston arrived at a pretty early hour, and were +accommodated with some comfortable negus in the tea-room, previous to +the commencement of their delightful labors. The boudoir to the left +was fitted up as a card-room; the drawing-room was of course for the +reception of the company,--the chandeliers and yellow damask +being displayed this night in all their splendor; and the charming +conservatory over the landing was ornamented by a few moon-like lamps, +and the flowers arranged so that it had the appearance of a fairy bower. +And Miss Perkins (as I took the liberty of stating to her mamma) looked +like the fairy of that bower. It is this young creature's first year +in PUBLIC LIFE: she has been educated, regardless of expense, at +Hammersmith; and a simple white muslin dress and blue ceinture set off +charms of which I beg to speak with respectful admiration. + +My distinguished friend the Mulligan of Ballymulligan was good enough +to come the very first of the party. By the way, how awkward it is to be +the first of the party! and yet you know somebody must; but for my part, +being timid, I always wait at the corner of the street in the cab, and +watch until some other carriage comes up. + +Well, as we were arranging the sherry in the decanters down the +supper-tables, my friend arrived: "Hwhares me friend Mr. Titmarsh?" I +heard him bawling out to Gregory in the passage, and presently he rushed +into the supper-room, where Mr. and Mrs. Perkins and myself were, and +as the waiter was announcing "Mr. Mulligan," "THE Mulligan of +Ballymulligan, ye blackguard!" roared he, and stalked into the +apartment, "apologoizing," as he said, for introducing himself. + +Mr. and Mrs. Perkins did not perhaps wish to be seen in this room, which +was for the present only lighted by a couple of candles; but HE was not +at all abashed by the circumstance, and grasping them both warmly by +the hands, he instantly made himself at home. "As friends of my dear +and talented friend Mick," so he is pleased to call me, "I'm deloighted, +madam, to be made known to ye. Don't consider me in the light of a mere +acquaintance! As for you, my dear madam, you put me so much in moind +of my own blessed mother, now resoiding at Ballymulligan Castle, that I +begin to love ye at first soight." At which speech Mr. Perkins getting +rather alarmed, asked the Mulligan whether he would take some wine, or +go up stairs. + +"Faix," says Mulligan "it's never too soon for good dhrink." And +(although he smelt very much of whiskey already) he drank a tumbler of +wine "to the improvement of an acqueentence which comminces in a manner +so deloightful." + +"Let's go up stairs, Mulligan," says I, and led the noble Irishman to +the upper apartments, which were in a profound gloom, the candles not +being yet illuminated, and where we surprised Miss Fanny, seated in the +twilight at the piano, timidly trying the tunes of the polka which she +danced so exquisitely that evening. She did not perceive the stranger at +first; but how she started when the Mulligan loomed upon her. + +"Heavenlee enchanthress!" says Mulligan, "don't floy at the approach of +the humblest of your sleeves! Reshewm your pleece at that insthrument, +which weeps harmonious, or smoils melojious, as you charrum it! Are you +acqueented with the Oirish Melodies? Can ye play, 'Who fears to talk of +Nointy-eight?' the 'Shan Van Voght?' or the 'Dirge of Ollam Fodhlah?'" + +"Who's this mad chap that Titmarsh has brought?" I heard Master Bacon +exclaim to Master Perkins. "Look! how frightened Fanny looks!" + +"O poo! gals are ALWAYS frightened," Fanny's brother replied; but Giles +Bacon, more violent, said, "I'll tell you what, Tom: if this goes on, +we must pitch into him." And so I have no doubt they would, when another +thundering knock coming, Gregory rushed into the room and began lighting +all the candles, so as to produce an amazing brilliancy, Miss Fanny +sprang up and ran to her mamma, and the young gentlemen slid down the +banisters to receive the company in the hall. + + +EVERYBODY BEGINS TO COME, BUT ESPECIALLY MR. MINCHIN. + + +"It's only me and my sisters," Master Bacon said; though "only" meant +eight in this instance. All the young ladies had fresh cheeks and purple +elbows; all had white frocks, with hair more or less auburn: and so a +party was already made of this blooming and numerous family, before the +rest of the company began to arrive. The three Miss Meggots next came in +their fly: Mr. Blades and his niece from 19 in the square: Captain and +Mrs. Struther, and Miss Struther: Doctor Toddy's two daughters and their +mamma: but where were the gentlemen? The Mulligan, great and active as +he was, could not suffice among so many beauties. At last came a brisk +neat little knock, and looking into the hall, I saw a gentleman taking +off his clogs there, whilst Sir Giles Bacon's big footman was looking on +with rather a contemptuous air. + +"What name shall I enounce?" says he, with a wink at Gregory on the +stair. + +The gentleman in clogs said, with quiet dignity,-- + + +MR. FREDERICK MINCHIN. + + +"Pump Court, Temple," is printed on his cards in very small type: and he +is a rising barrister of the Western Circuit. He is to be found at home +of mornings: afterwards "at Westminster," as you read on his back door. +"Binks and Minchin's Reports" are probably known to my legal friends: +this is the Minchin in question. + +He is decidedly genteel, and is rather in request at the balls of the +Judges' and Serjeants' ladies: for he dances irreproachably, and goes +out to dinner as much as ever he can. + +He mostly dines at the Oxford and Cambridge Club, of which you can +easily see by his appearance that he is a member; he takes the joint and +his half-pint of wine, for Minchin does everything like a gentleman. +He is rather of a literary turn; still makes Latin verses with some +neatness; and before he was called, was remarkably fond of the flute. + +When Mr. Minchin goes out in the evening, his clerk brings his bag to +the Club, to dress; and if it is at all muddy, he turns up his trousers, +so that he may come in without a speck. For such a party as this, +he will have new gloves; otherwise Frederick, his clerk, is chiefly +employed in cleaning them with India-rubber. + +He has a number of pleasant stories about the Circuit and the +University, which he tells with a simper to his neighbor at dinner; and +has always the last joke of Mr. Baron Maule. He has a private fortune of +five thousand pounds; he is a dutiful son; he has a sister married, in +Harley Street; and Lady Jane Ranville has the best opinion of him, and +says he is a most excellent and highly principled young man. + +Her ladyship and daughter arrived just as Mr. Minchin had popped his +clogs into the umbrella-stand; and the rank of that respected person, +and the dignified manner in which he led her up stairs, caused all +sneering on the part of the domestics to disappear. + + +THE BALL-ROOM DOOR. + + +A hundred of knocks follow Frederick Minchin's: in half an hour Messrs. +Spoff, Pinch, and Clapperton have begun their music, and Mulligan, with +one of the Miss Bacons, is dancing majestically in the first quadrille. +My young friends Giles and Tom prefer the landing-place to the +drawing-rooms, where they stop all night, robbing the refreshment-trays +as they come up or down. Giles has eaten fourteen ices: he will have a +dreadful stomach-ache to-morrow. Tom has eaten twelve, but he has had +four more glasses of negus than Giles. Grundsell, the occasional waiter, +from whom Master Tom buys quantities of ginger-beer, can of course deny +him nothing. That is Grundsell, in the tights, with the tray. Meanwhile +direct your attention to the three gentlemen at the door: they are +conversing. + +1st Gent.--Who's the man of the house--the bald man? + +2nd Gent.--Of course. The man of the house is always bald. He's a +stockbroker, I believe. Snooks brought me. + +1st Gent.--Have you been to the tea-room? There's a pretty girl in the +tea-room; blue eyes, pink ribbons, that kind of thing. + +2nd Gent.--Who the deuce is that girl with those tremendous shoulders? +Gad! I do wish somebody would smack 'em. + +3rd Gent.--Sir--that young lady is my niece, sir,--my niece--my name is +Blades, sir. + +2nd Gent.--Well, Blades! smack your niece's shoulders: she deserves it, +begad! she does. Come in, Jinks, present me to the Perkinses.--Hullo! +here's an old country acquaintance--Lady Bacon, as I live! with all the +piglings; she never goes out without the whole litter. (Exeunt 1st and +2nd Gents.) + + +LADY BACON, THE MISS BACONS, MR. FLAM. + + +Lady B.--Leonora! Maria! Amelia! here is the gentleman we met at Sir +John Porkington's. + +[The MISSES BACON, expecting to be asked to dance, smile simultaneously, +and begin to smooth their tuckers.] + +Mr. Flam.--Lady Bacon! I couldn't be mistaken in YOU! Won't you dance, +Lady Bacon? + +Lady B.--Go away, you droll creature! + +Mr. Flam.--And these are your ladyship's seven lovely sisters, to judge +from their likenesses to the charming Lady Bacon? + +Lady B.--My sisters, he! he! my DAUGHTERS, Mr. Flam, and THEY dance, +don't you, girls? + +The Misses Bacon.--O yes! + +Mr. Flam.--Gad! how I wish I was a dancing man! + +[Exit FLAM. + + +MR. LARKINS. + + +I have not been able to do justice (only a Lawrence could do that) to my +respected friend Mrs. Perkins, in this picture; but Larkins's portrait +is considered very like. Adolphus Larkins has been long connected with +Mr. Perkins's City establishment, and is asked to dine twice or thrice +per annum. Evening-parties are the great enjoyment of this simple youth, +who, after he has walked from Kentish Town to Thames Street, and passed +twelve hours in severe labor there, and walked back again to Kentish +Town, finds no greater pleasure than to attire his lean person in that +elegant evening costume which you see, to walk into town again, and to +dance at anybody's house who will invite him. Islington, Pentonville, +Somers Town, are the scenes of many of his exploits; and I have seen +this good-natured fellow performing figure-dances at Notting-hill, at +a house where I am ashamed to say there was no supper, no negus even +to speak of, nothing but the bare merits of the polka in which Adolphus +revels. To describe this gentleman's infatuation for dancing, let me +say, in a word, that he will even frequent boarding-house hops, rather +than not go. + +He has clogs, too, like Minchin: but nobody laughs at HIM. He gives +himself no airs; but walks into a house with a knock and a demeanor so +tremulous and humble, that the servants rather patronize him. He does +not speak, or have any particular opinions, but when the time comes, +begins to dance. He bleats out a word or two to his partner during this +operation, seems very weak and sad during the whole performance, and, of +course, is set to dance with the ugliest women everywhere. + +The gentle, kind spirit! when I think of him night after night, hopping +and jigging, and trudging off to Kentish Town, so gently, through the +fogs, and mud, and darkness: I do not know whether I ought to admire +him, because his enjoyments are so simple, and his dispositions so +kindly; or laugh at him, because he draws his life so exquisitely mild. +Well, well, we can't be all roaring lions in this world; there must be +SOME lambs, and harmless, kindly, gregarious creatures for eating +and shearing. See! even good-natured Mrs. Perkins is leading up the +trembling Larkins to the tremendous Miss Bunion! + + +MISS BUNION. + + +The Poetess, author of "Heartstrings," "The Deadly Nightshade," "Passion +Flowers," &c. Though her poems breathe only of love, Miss B. has never +been married. She is nearly six feet high; she loves waltzing beyond +even poesy; and I think lobster-salad as much as either. She confesses +to twenty-eight; in which case her first volume, "The Orphan of Gozo," +(cut up by Mr. Rigby, in the Quarterly, with his usual kindness,) must +have been published when she was three years old. + +For a woman all soul, she certainly eats as much as any woman I ever +saw. The sufferings she has had to endure, are, she says, beyond +compare; the poems which she writes breathe a withering passion, a +smouldering despair, an agony of spirit that would melt the soul of a +drayman, were he to read them. Well, it is a comfort to see that she +can dance of nights, and to know (for the habits of illustrious literary +persons are always worth knowing) that she eats a hot mutton-chop for +breakfast every morning of her blighted existence. + +She lives in a boardinghouse at Brompton, and comes to the party in a +fly. + + +MR. HICKS. + + +It is worth twopence to see Miss Bunion and Poseidon Hicks, the great +poet, conversing with one another, and to talk of one to the other +afterwards. How they hate each other! I (in my wicked way) have sent +Hicks almost raving mad, by praising Bunion to him in confidence; and +you can drive Bunion out of the room by a few judicious panegyrics of +Hicks. + +Hicks first burst upon the astonished world with poems, in the Byronic +manner: "The Death-Shriek," "The Bastard of Lara," "The Atabal," "The +Fire-Ship of Botzaris," and other works. His "Love Lays," in Mr. Moore's +early style, were pronounced to be wonderfully precocious for a young +gentleman then only thirteen, and in a commercial academy, at Tooting. + +Subsequently, this great bard became less passionate and more +thoughtful; and, at the age of twenty, wrote "Idiosyncracy" (in forty +books, 4to.): "Ararat," "a stupendous epic," as the reviews said; +and "The Megatheria," "a magnificent contribution to our pre-Adamite +literature," according to the same authorities. Not having read these +works, it would ill become me to judge them; but I know that poor +Jingle, the publisher, always attributed his insolvency to the latter +epic, which was magnificently printed in elephant folio. + +Hicks has now taken a classical turn, and has brought out "Poseidon," +"Iacchus," "Hephaestus," and I dare say is going through the mythology. +But I should not like to try him at a passage of the Greek Delectus, +any more than twenty thousand others of us who have had a "classical +education." + +Hicks was taken in an inspired attitude regarding the chandelier, and +pretending he didn't know that Miss Pettifer was looking at him. + +Her name is Anna Maria (daughter of Higgs and Pettifer, solicitors, +Bedford Row); but Hicks calls her "Ianthe" in his album verses, and is +himself an eminent drysalter in the city. + + +MISS MEGGOT. + + +Poor Miss Meggot is not so lucky as Miss Bunion. Nobody comes to dance +with HER, though she has a new frock on, as she calls it, and rather a +pretty foot, which she always manages to stick out. + +She is forty-seven, the youngest of three sisters, who live a mouldy old +house, near Middlesex Hospital, where they have lived for I don't know +how many score of years; but this is certain: the eldest Miss Meggot saw +the Gordon Riots out of that same parlor window, and tells the story +how her father (physician to George III.) was robbed of his queue in the +streets on that occasion. The two old ladies have taken the brevet rank, +and are addressed as Mrs. Jane and Mrs. Betsy: one of them is at whist +in the back drawing-room. But the youngest is still called Miss Nancy, +and is considered quite a baby by her sisters. + +She was going to be married once to a brave young officer, Ensign Angus +Macquirk, of the Whistlebinkie Fencibles; but he fell at Quatre Bras, +by the side of the gallant Snuffmull, his commander. Deeply, deeply did +Miss Nancy deplore him. + +But time has cicatrized the wounded heart. She is gay now, and would +sing or dance, ay, or marry if anybody asked her. + +Do go, my dear friend--I don't mean to ask her to marry, but to ask her +to dance.--Never mind the looks of the thing. It will make her happy; +and what does it cost you? Ah, my dear fellow! take this counsel: always +dance with the old ladies--always dance with the governesses. It is +a comfort to the poor things when they get up in their garret that +somebody has had mercy on them. And such a handsome fellow as YOU too! + + +MISS RANVILLE, REV. MR. TOOP, MISS MULLINS, MR. WINTER. + + +Mr. W. Miss Mullins, look at Miss Ranville: what a picture of good +humor. + +Miss M.--Oh, you satirical creature! + +Mr. W.--Do you know why she is so angry? she expected to dance with +Captain Grig, and by some mistake, the Cambridge Professor got hold of +her: isn't he a handsome man? + +Miss M.--Oh, you droll wretch! + +Mr. W.--Yes, he's a fellow of college--fellows mayn't marry, Miss +Mullins--poor fellows, ay, Miss Mullins? + +Miss M.--La! + +Mr. W.--And Professor of Phlebotomy in the University. He flatters +himself he is a man of the world, Miss Mullins, and always dances in the +long vacation. + +Miss M.--You malicious, wicked monster! + +Mr. W.--Do you know Lady Jane Ranville? Miss Ranville's mamma. A ball +once a year; footmen in canary-colored livery: Baker Street; six dinners +in the season; starves all the year round; pride and poverty, you know; +I've been to her ball ONCE. Ranville Ranville's her brother, and between +you and me--but this, dear Miss Mullins, is a profound secret,--I think +he's a greater fool than his sister. + +Miss M.--Oh, you satirical, droll, malicious, wicked thing you! + +Mr. W.--You do me injustice, Miss Mullins, indeed you do. + +[Chaine Anglaise.] + + +MISS JOY, MR. AND MRS. JOY, MR. BOTTER. + + +Mr. B.--What spirits that girl has, Mrs. Joy! + +Mr. J.--She's a sunshine in a house, Botter, a regular sunshine. When +Mrs. J. here's in a bad humor, I . . . + +Mrs. J.--Don't talk nonsense, Mr. Joy. + +Mrs. B.--There's a hop, skip, and jump for you! Why, it beats Ellsler! +Upon my conscience it does! It's her fourteenth quadrille too. There she +goes! She's a jewel of a girl, though I say it that shouldn't. + +Mrs. J. (laughing).--Why don't you marry her, Botter? Shall I speak to +her? I dare say she'd have you. You're not so VERY old. + +Mr. B.--Don't aggravate me, Mrs. J. You know when I lost my heart in +the year 1817, at the opening of Waterloo Bridge, to a young lady who +wouldn't have me, and left me to die in despair, and married Joy, of the +Stock Exchange. + +Mrs. J. Get away, you foolish old creature. + +[MR. JOY looks on in ecstasies at Miss Joy's agility. LADY JANE +RANVILLE, of Baker Street, pronounces her to be an exceedingly forward +person. CAPTAIN DOBBS likes a girl who has plenty of go in her; and as +for FRED SPARKS, he is over head and ears in love with her.] + + +MR. RANVILLE RANVILLE AND JACK HUBBARD. + + +This is Miss Ranville Ranville's brother, Mr. Ranville Ranville, of the +Foreign Office, faithfully designed as he was playing at whist in the +card-room. Talleyrand used to play at whist at the "Travellers'," that +is why Ranville Ranville indulges in that diplomatic recreation. It is +not his fault if he be not the greatest man in the room. + +If you speak to him, he smiles sternly, and answers in monosyllables he +would rather die than commit himself. He never has committed himself in +his life. He was the first at school, and distinguished at Oxford. He is +growing prematurely bald now, like Canning, and is quite proud of it. He +rides in St. James's Park of a morning before breakfast. He dockets his +tailor's bills, and nicks off his dinner-notes in diplomatic paragraphs, +and keeps precis of them all. If he ever makes a joke, it is a quotation +from Horace, like Sir Robert Peel. The only relaxation he permits +himself, is to read Thucydides in the holidays. + +Everybody asks him out to dinner, on account of his brass-buttons with +the Queen's cipher, and to have the air of being well with the Foreign +Office. "Where I dine," he says solemnly, "I think it is my duty to +go to evening-parties." That is why he is here. He never dances, never +sups, never drinks. He has gruel when he goes home to bed. I think it is +in his brains. + +He is such an ass and so respectable, that one wonders he has not +succeeded in the world; and yet somehow they laugh at him; and you and I +shall be Ministers as soon as he will. + +Yonder, making believe to look over the print-books, is that merry +rogue, Jack Hubbard. + +See how jovial he looks! He is the life and soul of every party, and +his impromptu singing after supper will make you die of laughing. He is +meditating an impromptu now, and at the same time thinking about a bill +that is coming due next Thursday. Happy dog! + + +MRS. TROTTER, MISS TROTTER, MISS TOADY, LORD METHUSELAH. + + +Dear Emma Trotter has been silent and rather ill-humored all the evening +until now her pretty face lights up with smiles. Cannot you guess why? +Pity the simple and affectionate creature! Lord Methuselah has not +arrived until this moment: and see how the artless girl steps forward to +greet him! + +In the midst of all the selfishness and turmoil of the world, how +charming it is to find virgin hearts quite unsullied, and to look on +at little romantic pictures of mutual love! Lord Methuselah, though you +know his age by the peerage--though he is old, wigged, gouty, rouged, +wicked, has lighted up a pure flame in that gentle bosom. There was a +talk about Tom Willoughby last year; and then, for a time, young Hawbuck +(Sir John Hawbuck's youngest son) seemed the favored man; but Emma never +knew her mind until she met the dear creature before you in a Rhine +steamboat. "Why are you so late, Edward?" says she. Dear artless child! + +Her mother looks on with tender satisfaction. One can appreciate the +joys of such an admirable parent! + +"Look at them!" says Miss Toady. "I vow and protest they're the +handsomest couple in the room!" + +Methuselah's grandchildren are rather jealous and angry, and +Mademoiselle Ariane, of the French theatre, is furious. But there's no +accounting for the mercenary envy of some people; and it is impossible +to satisfy everybody. + + +MR. BEAUMORIS, MR. GRIG, MR. FLYNDERS. + + +Those three young men are described in a twinkling: Captain Grig of the +Heavies; Mr. Beaumoris, the handsome young man; Tom Flinders (Flynders +Flynders he now calls himself), the fat gentleman who dresses after +Beaumoris. + +Beaumoris is in the Treasury: he has a salary of eighty pounds a year, +on which he maintains the best cab and horses of the season; and out of +which he pays seventy guineas merely for his subscriptions to clubs. He +hunts in Leicestershire, where great men mount him; he is a prodigious +favorite behind the scenes at the theatres; you may get glimpses of him +at Richmond, with all sorts of pink bonnets; and he is the sworn friend +of half the most famous roues about town, such as Old Methuselah, Lord +Billygoat, Lord Tarquin, and the rest: a respectable race. It is to +oblige the former that the good-natured young fellow is here to-night; +though it must not be imagined that he gives himself any airs of +superiority. Dandy as he is, he is quite affable, and would borrow ten +guineas from any man in the room, in the most jovial way possible. + +It is neither Beau's birth, which is doubtful; nor his money, which +is entirely negative; nor his honesty, which goes along with his +money-qualification; nor his wit, for he can barely spell,--which +recommend him to the fashionable world: but a sort of Grand Seigneur +splendor and dandified je ne scais quoi, which make the man he is of +him. The way in which his boots and gloves fit him is a wonder which no +other man can achieve; and though he has not an atom of principle, it +must be confessed that he invented the Taglioni shirt. + +When I see these magnificent dandies yawning out of "White's," or +caracoling in the Park on shining chargers, I like to think that +Brummell was the greatest of them all, and that Brummell's father was a +footman. + +Flynders is Beaumoris's toady: lends him money: buys horses through his +recommendation; dresses after him; clings to him in Pall Mall, and on +the steps of the club; and talks about 'Bo' in all societies. It is his +drag which carries down Bo's friends to the Derby, and his cheques pay +for dinners to the pink bonnets. I don't believe the Perkinses know +what a rogue it is, but fancy him a decent, reputable City man, like his +father before him. + +As for Captain Grig, what is there to tell about him? He performs the +duties of his calling with perfect gravity. He is faultless on parade; +excellent across country; amiable when drunk, rather slow when sober. He +has not two ideas, and is a most good-natured, irreproachable, gallant, +and stupid young officer. + + +CAVALIER SEUL. + + +This is my friend Bob Hely, performing the Cavalier seul in a quadrille. +Remark the good-humored pleasure depicted in his countenance. Has he any +secret grief? Has he a pain anywhere? No, dear Miss Jones, he is dancing +like a true Briton, and with all the charming gayety and abandon of our +race. + +When Canaillard performs that Cavalier seul operation, does HE flinch? +No: he puts on his most vainqueur look, he sticks his thumbs into the +armholes of his waistcoat, and advances, retreats, pirouettes, and +otherwise gambadoes, as though to say, "Regarde moi, O monde! Venez, O +femmes, venez voir danser Canaillard!" + +When De Bobwitz executes the same measure, he does it with smiling +agility, and graceful ease. + +But poor Hely, if he were advancing to a dentist, his face would not be +more cheerful. All the eyes of the room are upon him, he thinks; and he +thinks he looks like a fool. + +Upon my word, if you press the point with me, dear Miss Jones, I think +he is not very far from right. I think that while Frenchmen and Germans +may dance, as it is their nature to do, there is a natural dignity about +us Britons, which debars us from that enjoyment. I am rather of the +Turkish opinion, that this should be done for us. I think . . . + +"Good-by, you envious old fox-and-the-grapes," says Miss Jones, and the +next moment I see her whirling by in a polka with Tom Tozer, at a pace +which makes me shrink back with terror into the little boudoir. + + +M. CANAILLARD, CHEVALIER OF THE LEGION OF HONOR. + +LIEUTENANT BARON DE BOBWITZ. + + +Canaillard. Oh, ces Anglais! quels hommes, mon Dieu! Comme ils sont +habilles, comme ils dansent! + +Bobwitz.--Ce sont de beaux hommes bourtant; point de tenue militaire, +mais de grands gaillards; si je les avais dans ma compagnie de la Garde, +j'en ferai de bons soldats. + +Canaillard.--Est-il bete, cet Allemand! Les grands hommes ne font pas +toujours de bons soldats, Monsieur. Il me semble que les soldats de +France qui sont de ma taille, Monsieur, valent un peu mieux . . . + +Bobwitz.--Vous croyez? + +Canaillard.--Comment! je le crois, Monsieur? J'en suis sur! Il me +semble, Monsieur, que nous l'avons prouve. + +Bobwitz (impatiently).--Je m'en vais danser la Bolka. Serviteur, +Monsieur. + +Canaillard.--Butor! (He goes and looks at himself in the glass, when he +is seized by Mrs. Perkins for the Polka.) + + +THE BOUDOIR. + +MR. SMITH, MR. BROWN, MISS BUSTLETON. + + +Mr. Brown.--You polk, Miss Bustleton? I'm SO delaighted. + +Miss Bustleton.--[Smiles and prepares to rise.] + +Mr. Smith.--D--- puppy. + +(Poor Smith don't polk.) + + +GRAND POLKA. + + +Though a quadrille seems to me as dreary as a funeral, yet to look at a +polka, I own, is pleasant. See! Brown and Emily Bustleton are whirling +round as light as two pigeons over a dovecot; Tozer, with that wicked +whisking little Jones, spins along as merrily as a May-day sweep; Miss +Joy is the partner of the happy Fred Sparks; and even Miss Ranville +is pleased, for the faultless Captain Grig is toe and heel with her. +Beaumoris, with rather a nonchalant air, takes a turn with Miss Trotter, +at which Lord Methuseleh's wrinkled chops quiver uneasily. See! how the +big Baron de Bobwitz spins lightly, and gravely, and gracefully round; +and lo! the Frenchman staggering under the weight of Miss Bunion, who +tramps and kicks like a young cart-horse. + +But the most awful sight which met my view in this dance was the +unfortunate Miss Little, to whom fate had assigned THE MULLIGAN as a +partner. Like a pavid kid in the talons of an eagle, that young creature +trembled in his huge Milesian grasp. Disdaining the recognized form of +the dance, the Irish chieftain accommodated the music to the dance of +his own green land, and performed a double shuffle jig, carrying Miss +Little along with him. Miss Ranville and her Captain shrank back +amazed; Miss Trotter skirried out of his way into the protection of the +astonished Lord Methuselah; Fred Sparks could hardly move for laughing; +while, on the contrary, Miss Joy was quite in pain for poor Sophy +Little. As Canaillard and the Poetess came up, The Mulligan, in the +height of his enthusiasm, lunged out a kick which sent Miss Bunion +howling; and concluded with a tremendous Hurroo!--a war-cry which caused +every Saxon heart to shudder and quail. + +"Oh that the earth would open and kindly take me in!" I exclaimed +mentally; and slunk off into the lower regions, where by this time half +the company were at supper. + + +THE SUPPER. + + +The supper is going on behind the screen. There is no need to draw +the supper. We all know that sort of transaction: the squabbling, and +gobbling, and popping of champagne; the smell of musk and lobster-salad; +the dowagers chumping away at plates of raised pie; the young lassies +nibbling at little titbits, which the dexterous young gentlemen procure. +Three large men, like doctors of divinity, wait behind the table, and +furnish everything that appetite can ask for. I never, for my part, can +eat any supper for wondering at those men. I believe if you were to +ask them for mashed turnips, or a slice of crocodile, those astonishing +people would serve you. What a contempt they must have for the guttling +crowd to whom they minister--those solemn pastry-cook's men! How they +must hate jellies, and game-pies, and champagne, in their hearts! How +they must scorn my poor friend Grundsell behind the screen, who is +sucking at a bottle! + +This disguised green-grocer is a very well-known character in the +neighborhood of Pocklington Square. He waits at the parties of the +gentry in the neighborhood, and though, of course, despised in families +where a footman is kept, is a person of much importance in female +establishments. + +Miss Jonas always employs him at her parties, and says to her page, +"Vincent, send the butler, or send Desborough to me;" by which name she +chooses to designate G. G. + +When the Miss Frumps have post-horses to their carriage, and pay visits, +Grundsell always goes behind. Those ladies have the greatest confidence +in him, have been godmothers to fourteen of his children, and leave +their house in his charge when they go to Bognor for the summer. He +attended those ladies when they were presented at the last drawing-room +of her Majesty Queen Charlotte. + + GEORGE GRUNDSELL, + + GREEN-GROCER AND SALESMAN, + + 9, LITTLE POCKLINGTON BUILDINGS, + + LATE CONFIDENTIAL SERVANT IN THE FAMILY OF + + THE LORD MAYOR OF LONDON. + + + Carpets Beat.--Knives and Boots cleaned per contract.--Errands + faithfully performed--G. G. attends Ball and Dinner parties, + and from his knowledge of the most distinguished Families in + London, confidently recommends his services to the + distinguished neighbourhood of Pocklington Square. + +Mr. Grundsell's state costume is a blue coat and copper buttons, a white +waistcoat, and an immense frill and shirt-collar. He was for many years +a private watchman, and once canvassed for the office of parish clerk +of St. Peter's Pocklington. He can be intrusted with untold spoons; with +anything, in fact, but liquor; and it was he who brought round the cards +for MRS. PERKINS'S BALL. + + +AFTER SUPPER. + + +I do not intend to say any more about it. After the people had supped, +they went back and danced. Some supped again. I gave Miss Bunion, +with my own hands, four bumpers of champagne: and such a quantity +of goose-liver and truffles, that I don't wonder she took a glass of +cherry-brandy afterwards. The gray morning was in Pocklington Square as +she drove away in her fly. So did the other people go away. How green +and sallow some of the girls looked, and how awfully clear Mrs. Colonel +Bludyer's rouge was! Lady Jane Ranville's great coach had roared away +down the streets long before. Fred Minchin pattered off in his clogs: +it was I who covered up Miss Meggot, and conducted her, with her two +old sisters, to the carriage. Good old souls! They have shown their +gratitude by asking me to tea next Tuesday. Methuselah is gone to finish +the night at the club. "Mind to-morrow," Miss Trotter says, kissing +her hand out of the carriage. Canaillard departs, asking the way to +"Lesterre Squar." They all go away--life goes away. + +Look at Miss Martin and young Ward! How tenderly the rogue is wrapping +her up! how kindly she looks at him! The old folks are whispering behind +as they wait for their carriage. What is their talk, think you? and when +shall that pair make a match? When you see those pretty little creatures +with their smiles and their blushes, and their pretty ways, would you +like to be the Grand Bashaw? + +"Mind and send me a large piece of cake," I go up and whisper archly to +old Mr. Ward: and we look on rather sentimentally at the couple, almost +the last in the rooms (there, I declare, go the musicians, and the clock +is at five)--when Grundsell, with an air effare, rushes up to me and +says, "For e'v'n sake, sir, go into the supper-room: there's that Hirish +gent a-pitchin' into Mr. P." + + +THE MULLIGAN AND MR. PERKINS. + + +It was too true. I had taken him away after supper (he ran after Miss +Little's carriage, who was dying in love with him as he fancied), but +the brute had come back again. The doctors of divinity were putting up +their condiments: everybody was gone; but the abominable Mulligan sat +swinging his legs at the lonely supper-table! + +Perkins was opposite, gasping at him. + +The Mulligan.--I tell ye, ye are the butler, ye big fat man. Go get me +some more champagne: it's good at this house. + +Mr. Perkins (with dignity).--It IS good at this house; but-- + +The Mulligan.--Bht hwhat, ye goggling, bow-windowed jackass? Go get the +wine, and we'll dthrink it together, my old buck. + +Mr. Perkins.--My name, sir, is PERKINS. + +The Mulligan.--Well, that rhymes with jerkins, my man of firkins; so +don't let us have any more shirkings and lurkings, Mr. Perkins. + +Mr. Perkins (with apoplectic energy).--Sir, I am the master of this +house; and I order you to quit it. I'll not be insulted, sir. I'll send +for a policeman, sir. What do you mean, Mr. Titmarsh, sir, by bringing +this--this beast into my house, sir? + +At this, with a scream like that of a Hyrcanian tiger, Mulligan of the +hundred battles sprang forward at his prey; but we were beforehand with +him. Mr. Gregory, Mr. Grundsell, Sir Giles Bacon's large man, the young +gentlemen, and myself, rushed simultaneously upon the tipsy chieftain, +and confined him. The doctors of divinity looked on with perfect +indifference. That Mr. Perkins did not go off in a fit is a wonder. He +was led away heaving and snorting frightfully. + +Somebody smashed Mulligan's hat over his eyes, and I led him forth into +the silent morning. The chirrup of the birds, the freshness of the rosy +air, and a penn'orth of coffee that I got for him at a stall in the +Regent Circus, revived him somewhat. When I quitted him, he was not +angry but sad. He was desirous, it is true, of avenging the wrongs of +Erin in battle line; he wished also to share the grave of Sarsfield and +Hugh O'Neill; but he was sure that Miss Perkins, as well as Miss Little, +was desperately in love with him; and I left him on a doorstep in tears. + + +"Is it best to be laughing-mad, or crying-mad, in the world?" says I +moodily, coming into my street. Betsy the maid was already up and at +work, on her knees, scouring the steps, and cheerfully beginning her +honest daily labor. + + + + +OUR STREET + +BY MR. M. A TITMARSH. + + +Our street, from the little nook which I occupy in it, and whence I +and a fellow-lodger and friend of mine cynically observe it, presents a +strange motley scene. We are in a state of transition. We are not as yet +in the town, and we have left the country, where we were when I came +to lodge with Mrs. Cammysole, my excellent landlady. I then took +second-floor apartments at No. 17, Waddilove Street, and since, although +I have never moved (having various little comforts about me), I find +myself living at No. 46A, Pocklington Gardens. + +Why is this? Why am I to pay eighteen shillings instead of fifteen? I +was quite as happy in Waddilove Street; but the fact is, a great +portion of that venerable old district has passed away, and we are being +absorbed into the splendid new white-stuccoed Doric-porticoed genteel +Pocklington quarter. Sir Thomas Gibbs Pocklington, M. P. for the borough +of Lathanplaster, is the founder of the district and his own fortune. +The Pocklington Estate Office is in the Square, on a line with +Waddil--with Pocklington Gardens I mean. The old inn, the "Ram and +Magpie," where the market-gardeners used to bait, came out this year +with a new white face and title, the shield, &c. of the "Pocklington +Arms." Such a shield it is! Such quarterings! Howard, Cavendish, De Ros, +De la Zouche, all mingled together. + +Even our house, 46A, which Mrs. Cammysole has had painted white in +compliment to the Gardens of which it now forms part, is a sort of +impostor, and has no business to be called Gardens at all. Mr. Gibbs, +Sir Thomas's agent and nephew, is furious at our daring to take the +title which belongs to our betters. The very next door (No. 46, the +Honorable Mrs. Mountnoddy,) is a house of five stories, shooting up +proudly into the air, thirty feet above our old high-roofed low-roomed +old tenement. Our house belongs to Captain Bragg, not only the landlord +but the son-in-law of Mrs. Cammysole, who lives a couple of hundred +yards down the street, at "The Bungalow." He was the commander of the +"Ram Chunder" East Indiaman, and has quarrelled with the Pocklingtons +ever since he bought houses in the parish. + +He it is who will not sell or alter his houses to suit the spirit of the +times. He it is who, though he made the widow Cammysole change the name +of her street, will not pull down the house next door, nor the baker's +next, nor the iron-bedstead and feather warehouse ensuing, nor the +little barber's with the pole, nor, I am ashamed to say, the tripe-shop, +still standing. The barber powders the heads of the great footmen from +Pocklington Gardens; they are so big that they can scarcely sit in his +little premises. And the old tavern, the "East Indiaman," is kept by +Bragg's ship-steward, and protests against the "Pocklington Arms." + +Down the road is Pocklington Chapel, Rev. Oldham Slocum--in brick, with +arched windows and a wooden belfry: sober, dingy, and hideous. In the +centre of Pocklington Gardens rises St. Waltheof's, the Rev. Cyril +Thuryfer and assistants--a splendid Anglo-Norman edifice, vast, rich, +elaborate, bran new, and intensely old. Down Avemary Lane you may hear +the clink of the little Romish chapel bell. And hard by is a large +broad-shouldered Ebenezer (Rev. Jonas Gronow), out of the windows of +which the hymns come booming all Sunday long. + +Going westward along the line, we come presently to Comandine House (on +a part of the gardens of which Comandine Gardens is about to be erected +by his lordship); farther on, "The Pineries," Mr. and Lady Mary Mango: +and so we get into the country, and out of Our Street altogether, as I +may say. But in the half-mile, over which it may be said to extend, we +find all sorts and conditions of people--from the Right Honorable Lord +Comandine down to the present topographer; who being of no rank as it +were, has the fortune to be treated on almost friendly footing by all, +from his lordship down to the tradesman. + + +OUR HOUSE IN OUR STREET + + +We must begin our little descriptions where they say charity should +begin--at home. Mrs. Cammysole, my landlady, will be rather surprised +when she reads this, and finds that a good-natured tenant, who has never +complained of her impositions for fifteen years, understands every one +of her tricks, and treats them, not with anger, but with scorn--with +silent scorn. + +On the 18th of December, 1837, for instance, coming gently down stairs, +and before my usual wont, I saw you seated in my arm-chair, peeping into +a letter that came from my aunt in the country, just as if it had been +addressed to you, and not to "M. A. Titmarsh, Esq." Did I make any +disturbance? far from it; I slunk back to my bedroom (being enabled to +walk silently in the beautiful pair of worsted slippers Miss Penelope +J--s worked for me: they are worn out now, dear Penelope!) and then +rattling open the door with a great noise, descending the stairs, +singing "Son vergin vezzosa" at the top of my voice. You were not in my +sitting-room, Mrs. Cammysole, when I entered that apartment. + +You have been reading all my letters, papers, manuscripts, brouillons +of verses, inchoate articles for the Morning Post and Morning Chronicle, +invitations to dinner and tea--all my family letters, all Eliza +Townley's letters, from the first, in which she declared that to be the +bride of her beloved Michelagnolo was the fondest wish of her maiden +heart, to the last, in which she announced that her Thomas was the +best of husbands, and signed herself "Eliza Slogger;" all Mary +Farmer's letters, all Emily Delamere's; all that poor foolish old Miss +MacWhirter's, whom I would as soon marry as ----: in a word, I know +that you, you hawk-beaked, keen-eyed, sleepless, indefatigable old Mrs. +Cammysole, have read all my papers for these fifteen years. + +I know that you cast your curious old eyes over all the manuscripts +which you find in my coat-pockets and those of my pantaloons, as they +hang in a drapery over the door-handle of my bedroom. + +I know that you count the money in my green and gold purse, which Lucy +Netterville gave me, and speculate on the manner in which I have laid +out the difference between to-day and yesterday. + +I know that you have an understanding with the laundress (to whom you +say that you are all-powerful with me), threatening to take away my +practice from her, unless she gets up gratis some of your fine linen. + +I know that we both have a pennyworth of cream for breakfast, which is +brought in in the same little can; and I know who has the most for her +share. + +I know how many lumps of sugar you take from each pound as it arrives. +I have counted the lumps, you old thief, and for years have never said +a word, except to Miss Clapperclaw, the first-floor lodger. Once I put +a bottle of pale brandy into that cupboard, of which you and I only have +keys, and the liquor wasted and wasted away until it was all gone. You +drank the whole of it, you wicked old woman. You a lady, indeed! + +I know your rage when they did me the honor to elect me a member of the +"Poluphloisboiothalasses Club," and I ceased consequently to dine at +home. When I DID dine at home,--on a beefsteak let us say,--I should +like to know what you had for supper. You first amputated portions of +the meat when raw; you abstracted more when cooked. Do you think I was +taken in by your flimsy pretences? I wonder how you could dare to do +such things before your maids (you a clergyman's daughter and widow, +indeed), whom you yourself were always charging with roguery. + +Yes, the insolence of the old woman is unbearable, and I must break out +at last. If she goes off in a fit at reading this, I am sure I shan't +mind. She has two unhappy wenches, against whom her old tongue is +clacking from morning till night: she pounces on them at all hours. It +was but this morning at eight, when poor Molly was brooming the steps, +and the baker paying her by no means unmerited compliments, that my +landlady came whirling out of the ground-floor front, and sent the poor +girl whimpering into the kitchen. + +Were it but for her conduct to her maids I was determined publicly +to denounce her. These poor wretches she causes to lead the lives of +demons; and not content with bullying them all day, she sleeps at +night in the same room with them, so that she may have them up before +daybreak, and scold them while they are dressing. + +Certain it is, that between her and Miss Clapperclaw, on the first +floor, the poor wenches lead a dismal life. + +It is to you that I owe most of my knowledge of our neighbors; from you +it is that most of the facts and observations contained in these brief +pages are taken. Many a night, over our tea, have we talked amiably +about our neighbors and their little failings; and as I know that you +speak of mine pretty freely, why, let me say, my dear Bessy, that if we +have not built up Our Street between us, at least we have pulled it to +pieces. + + +THE BUNGALOW--CAPTAIN AND MRS. BRAGG. + + +Long, long ago, when Our Street was the country--a stagecoach between us +and London passing four times a day--I do not care to own that it was a +sight of Flora Cammysole's face, under the card of her mamma's "Lodgings +to Let," which first caused me to become a tenant of Our Street. A fine +good-humored lass she was then; and I gave her lessons (part out of the +rent) in French and flower-painting. She has made a fine rich marriage +since, although her eyes have often seemed to me to say, "Ah, Mr. T., +why didn't you, when there was yet time, and we both of us were free, +propose--you know what?" "Psha! Where was the money, my dear madam?" + +Captain Bragg, then occupied in building Bungalow Lodge--Bragg, I say, +living on the first floor, and entertaining sea-captains, merchants, and +East Indian friends with his grand ship's plate, being disappointed in a +project of marrying a director's daughter, who was also a second +cousin once removed of a peer,--sent in a fury for Mrs. Cammysole, his +landlady, and proposed to marry Flora off-hand, and settle four +hundred a year upon her. Flora was ordered from the back-parlor (the +ground-floor occupies the second-floor bedroom), and was on the spot +made acquainted with the splendid offer which the first-floor had made +her. She has been Mrs. Captain Bragg these twelve years. + +Bragg to this day wears anchor-buttons, and has a dress-coat with a gold +strap for epaulets, in case he should have a fancy to sport them. His +house is covered with portraits, busts, and miniatures of himself. His +wife is made to wear one of the latter. On his sideboard are pieces +of plate, presented by the passengers of the "Ram Chunder" to Captain +Bragg: "The 'Ram Chunder' East Indiaman, in a gale, off Table Bay;" +"The Outward-bound Fleet, under convoy of her Majesty's frigate +'Loblollyboy,' Captain Gutch, beating off the French squadron, under +Commodore Leloup (the 'Ram Chunder,' S.E. by E., is represented engaged +with the 'Mirliton' corvette);" "The 'Ram Chunder' standing into the +Hooghly, with Captain Bragg, his telescope and speaking-trumpet, on the +poop;" "Captain Bragg presenting the Officers of the 'Ram Chunder' to +General Bonaparte at St. Helena--TITMARSH" (this fine piece was painted +by me when I was in favor with Bragg); in a word, Bragg and the "Ram +Chunder" are all over the house. + +Although I have eaten scores of dinners at Captain Bragg's charge, +yet his hospitality is so insolent, that none of us who frequent his +mahogany feel any obligation to our braggart entertainer. + +After he has given one of his great heavy dinners he always takes an +opportunity to tell you, in the most public way, how many bottles of +wine were drunk. His pleasure is to make his guests tipsy, and to +tell everybody how and when the period of inebriation arose. And Miss +Clapperclaw tells me that he often comes over laughing and giggling +to her, and pretending that he has brought ME into this condition--a +calumny which I fling contemptuously in his face. + +He scarcely gives any but men's parties, and invites the whole club home +to dinner. What is the compliment of being asked, when the whole club is +asked too, I should like to know? Men's parties are only good for boys. +I hate a dinner where there are no women. Bragg sits at the head of his +table, and bullies the solitary Mrs. Bragg. + +He entertains us with stories of storms which he, Bragg, encountered--of +dinners which he, Bragg, has received from the Governor-General of +India--of jokes which he, Bragg, has heard; and however stale or odious +they may be, poor Mrs. B. is always expected to laugh. + +Woe be to her if she doesn't, or if she laughs at anybody else's jokes. +I have seen Bragg go up to her and squeeze her arm with a savage grind +of his teeth, and say, with an oath, "Hang it, madam, how dare you laugh +when any man but your husband speaks to you? I forbid you to grin in +that way. I forbid you to look sulky. I forbid you to look happy, or to +look up, or to keep your eyes down to the ground. I desire you will not +be trapesing through the rooms. I order you not to sit as still as +a stone." He curses her if the wine is corked, or if the dinner is +spoiled, or if she comes a minute too soon to the club for him, or +arrives a minute too late. He forbids her to walk, except upon his arm. +And the consequence of his ill treatment is, that Mrs. Cammysole and +Mrs. Bragg respect him beyond measure, and think him the first of human +beings. + +"I never knew a woman who was constantly bullied by her husband who did +not like him the better for it," Miss Clapperclaw says. And though this +speech has some of Clapp's usual sardonic humor in it, I can't but think +there is some truth in the remark. + + +LEVANT HOUSE CHAMBERS. + +MR. RUMBOLD, A.R.A., AND MISS RUMBOLD. + + +When Lord Levant quitted the country and this neighborhood, in which the +tradesmen still deplore him, No. 56, known as Levantine House, was let +to the "Pococurante Club," which was speedily bankrupt (for we are +too far from the centre of town to support a club of our own); it was +subsequently hired by the West Diddlesex Railroad; and is now divided +into sets of chambers, superintended by an acrimonious housekeeper, and +by a porter in a sham livery: whom, if you don't find him at the door, +you may as well seek at the "Grapes" public-house, in the little lane +round the corner. He varnishes the japan-boots of the dandy lodgers; +reads Mr. Pinkney's Morning Post before he lets him have it; and +neglects the letters of the inmates of the chambers generally. + +The great rooms, which were occupied as the salons of the noble Levant, +the coffee-rooms of the "Pococurante" (a club where the play was +furious, as I am told), and the board-room and manager's-room of the +West Diddlesex, are tenanted now by a couple of artists: young Pinkney +the miniaturist, and George Rumbold the historical painter. Miss +Rumbold, his sister lives with him, by the way; but with that young lady +of course we have nothing to do. + +I knew both these gentlemen at Rome, where George wore a velvet doublet +and a beard down to his chest, and used to talk about high art at the +"Caffe Greco." How it smelled of smoke, that velveteen doublet of his, +with which his stringy red beard was likewise perfumed! It was in his +studio that I had the honor to be introduced to his sister, the fair +Miss Clara: she had a large casque with a red horse-hair plume (I +thought it had been a wisp of her brother's beard at first), and held a +tin-headed spear in her hand, representing a Roman warrior in the great +picture of "Caractacus" George was painting--a piece sixty-four feet by +eighteen. The Roman warrior blushed to be discovered in that attitude: +the tin-headed spear trembled in the whitest arm in the world. So she +put it down, and taking off the helmet also, went and sat in a far +corner of the studio, mending George's stockings; whilst we smoked a +couple of pipes, and talked about Raphael being a good deal overrated. + +I think he is; and have never disguised my opinion about the +"Transfiguration.". And all the time we talked, there were Clara's +eyes looking lucidly out from the dark corner in which she was sitting, +working away at the stockings. The lucky fellow! They were in a dreadful +state of bad repair when she came out to him at Rome, after the death of +their father, the Reverend Miles Rumbold. + +George, while at Rome, painted "Caractacus;" a picture of "Non Angli +sed Angeli" of course; a picture of "Alfred in the Neatherd's Cottage," +seventy-two feet by forty-eight--(an idea of the gigantic size and +Michel-Angelesque proportions of this picture may be formed, when I +state that the mere muffin, of which the outcast king is spoiling the +baking, is two feet three in diameter) and the deaths of Socrates, of +Remus, and of the Christians under Nero respectively. I shall never +forget how lovely Clara looked in white muslin, with her hair down, +in this latter picture, giving herself up to a ferocious Carnifex (for +which Bob Gaunter the architect sat), and refusing to listen to the +mild suggestions of an insinuating Flamen: which character was a gross +caricature of myself. + +None of George's pictures sold. He has enough to tapestry Trafalgar +Square. He has painted, since he came back to England, "The Flaying of +Marsyas," "The Smothering of the Little Boys in the Tower," "A Plague +Scene during the Great Pestilence," "Ugolino on the Seventh Day after +he was deprived of Victuals," &c. For although these pictures have +great merit, and the writhings of Marsyas, the convulsions of the little +prince, the look of agony of St. Lawrence on the gridiron, &c. are quite +true to nature, yet the subjects somehow are not agreeable; and if he +hadn't a small patrimony, my friend George would starve. + +Fondness for art leads me a great deal to his studio. George is a +gentleman, and has very good friends, and good pluck too. When we were +at Rome, there was a great row between him and young Heeltap, +Lord Boxmoor's son, who was uncivil to Miss Rumbold; (the young +scoundrel--had I been a fighting man, I should like to have shot him +myself!). Lady Betty Bulbul is very fond of Clara; and Tom Bulbul, who +took George's message to Heeltap, is always hanging about the studio. +At least I know that I find the young jackanapes there almost every day, +bringing a new novel, or some poisonous French poetry, or a basket of +flowers, or grapes, with Lady Betty's love to her dear Clara--a young +rascal with white kids, and his hair curled every morning. What business +has HE to be dangling about George Rumbold's premises, and sticking up +his ugly pug-face as a model for all George's pictures? + +Miss Clapperclaw says Bulbul is evidently smitten, and Clara too. What! +would she put up with such a little fribble as that, when there is a +man of intellect and taste who--but I won't believe it. It is all the +jealousy of women. + + +SOME OF THE SERVANTS IN OUR STREET. + + +These gentlemen have two clubs in our quarter--for the butlers at the +"Indiaman," and for the gents in livery at the "Pocklington Arms"--of +either of which societies I should like to be a member. I am sure they +could not be so dull as our club at the "Poluphloisboio," where one +meets the same neat, clean, respectable old fogies every day. + +But with the best wishes, it is impossible for the present writer to +join either the "Plate Club" or the "Uniform Club" (as these reunions +are designated); for one could not shake hands with a friend who was +standing behind your chair, or nod a How-d'ye-do? to the butler who was +pouring you out a glass of wine;--so that what I know about the gents in +our neighborhood is from mere casual observation. For instance, I have a +slight acquaintance with (1) Thomas Spavin, who commonly wears an air of +injured innocence, and is groom to Mr. Joseph Green, of Our Street. +"I tell why the brougham 'oss is out of condition, and why Desperation +broke out all in a lather! 'Osses will, this 'eavy weather; and +Desperation was always the most mystest hoss I ever see.--I take him out +with Mr. Anderson's 'ounds--I'm above it. I allis was too timid to ride +to 'ounds by natur; and Colonel Sprigs' groom as says he saw me, is a +liar," &c. &c. + +Such is the tenor of Mr. Spavin's remarks to his master. Whereas all the +world in Our Street knows that Mr. Spavin spends at least a hundred a +year in beer; that he keeps a betting-book; that he has lent Mr. Green's +black brougham horse to the omnibus driver; and, at a time when Mr. +G. supposed him at the veterinary surgeon's, has lent him to a livery +stable, which has let him out to that gentleman himself, and actually +driven him to dinner behind his own horse. + +This conduct I can understand, but I cannot excuse--Mr. Spavin may; and +I leave the matter to be settled betwixt himself and Mr. Green. + +The second is Monsieur Sinbad, Mr. Clarence Bulbul's man, whom we all +hate Clarence for keeping. + +Mr. Sinbad is a foreigner, speaking no known language, but a mixture +of every European dialect--so that he may be an Italian brigand, or a +Tyrolese minstrel, or a Spanish smuggler, for what we know. I have heard +say that he is neither of these, but an Irish Jew. + +He wears studs, hair-oil, jewellery, and linen shirt-fronts, very finely +embroidered, but not particular for whiteness. He generally appears in +faded velvet waistcoats of a morning, and is always perfumed with stale +tobacco. He wears large rings on his hands, which look as if he kept +them up the chimney. + +He does not appear to do anything earthly for Clarence Bulbul, except +to smoke his cigars, and to practise on his guitar. He will not answer +a bell, nor fetch a glass of water, nor go of an errand on which, +au reste, Clarence dares not send him, being entirely afraid of his +servant, and not daring to use him, or to abuse him, or to send him +away. + +3. Adams--Mr. Champignon's man--a good old man in an old livery coat +with old worsted lace--so very old, deaf, surly, and faithful, that you +wonder how he should have got into the family at all; who never kept a +footman till last year, when they came into the street. + +Miss Clapperclaw says she believes Adams to be Mrs. Champignon's father, +and he certainly has a look of that lady; as Miss C. pointed out to me +at dinner one night, whilst old Adams was blundering about amongst the +hired men from Gunter's, and falling over the silver dishes. + +4. Fipps, the buttoniest page in all the street: walks behind Mrs. +Grimsby with her prayer-book, and protects her. + +"If that woman wants a protector" (a female acquaintance remarks), +"heaven be good to us! She is as big as an ogress, and has an upper lip +which many a cornet of the Lifeguards might envy. Her poor dear husband +was a big man, and she could beat him easily; and did too. Mrs. Grimsby +indeed! Why, my dear Mr. Titmarsh, it is Glumdalca walking with Tom +Thumb." + +This observation of Miss C.'s is very true, and Mrs. Grimsby might carry +her prayer-book to church herself. But Miss Clapperclaw, who is pretty +well able to take care of herself too, was glad enough to have the +protection of the page when she went out in the fly to pay visits, and +before Mrs. Grimsby and she quarrelled at whist at Lady Pocklington's. + +After this merely parenthetic observation, we come to 5, one of her +ladyship's large men, Mr. Jeames--a gentleman of vast stature and +proportions, who is almost nose to nose with us as we pass her +ladyship's door on the outside of the omnibus. I think Jeames has a +contempt for a man whom he witnesses in that position. I have fancied +something like that feeling showed itself (as far as it may in a +well-bred gentleman accustomed to society) in his behavior, while +waiting behind my chair at dinner. + +But I take Jeames to be, like most giants, good-natured, lazy, stupid, +soft-hearted, and extremely fond of drink. One night, his lady being +engaged to dinner at Nightingale House, I saw Mr. Jeames resting himself +on a bench at the "Pocklington Arms:" where, as he had no liquor before +him, he had probably exhausted his credit. + +Little Spitfire, Mr. Clarence Bulbul's boy, the wickedest little varlet +that ever hung on to a cab, was "chaffing" Mr. Jeames, holding up to his +face a pot of porter almost as big as the young potifer himself. + +"Vill you now, Big'un, or von't you?" Spitfire said. "If you're thirsty, +vy don't you say so and squench it, old boy?" + +"Don't ago on making fun of me--I can't abear chaffin'," was the reply +of Mr. Jeames, and tears actually stood in his fine eyes as he looked at +the porter and the screeching little imp before him. + +Spitfire (real name unknown) gave him some of the drink: I am happy to +say Jeames's face wore quite a different look when it rose gasping out +of the porter; and I judge of his dispositions from the above trivial +incident. + +The last boy in the sketch, 6, need scarcely be particularized. Doctor's +boy; was a charity-boy; stripes evidently added on to a pair of the +doctor's clothes of last year--Miss Clapperclaw pointed this out to me +with a giggle. Nothing escapes that old woman. + +As we were walking in Kensington Gardens, she pointed me out Mrs. +Bragg's nursery-maid, who sings so loud at church, engaged with a +Lifeguardsman, whom she was trying to convert probably. My virtuous +friend rose indignant at the sight. + +"That's why these minxes like Kensington Gardens," she cried. "Look at +the woman: she leaves the baby on the grass, for the giant to trample +upon; and that little wretch of a Hastings Bragg is riding on the +monster's cane." + +Miss C. flew up and seized the infant, waking it out of its sleep, and +causing all the gardens to echo with its squalling. "I'll teach you to +be impudent to me," she said to the nursery-maid, with whom my vivacious +old friend, I suppose, has had a difference; and she would not release +the infant until she had rung the bell of Bungalow Lodge, where she gave +it up to the footman. + +The giant in scarlet had slunk down towards Knightsbridge meanwhile. The +big rogues are always crossing the Park and the Gardens, and hankering +about Our Street. + + +WHAT SOMETIMES HAPPENS IN OUR STREET. + + +It was before old Hunkington's house that the mutes were standing, as I +passed and saw this group at the door. The charity-boy with the hoop is +the son of the jolly-looking mute; he admires his father, who admires +himself too, in those bran-new sables. The other infants are the spawn +of the alleys about Our Street. Only the parson and the typhus fever +visit those mysterious haunts, which lie crouched about our splendid +houses like Lazarus at the threshold of Dives. + +Those little ones come crawling abroad in the sunshine, to the annoyance +of the beadles, and the horror of a number of good people in the street. +They will bring up the rear of the procession anon, when the grand +omnibus with the feathers, and the line coaches with the long-tailed +black horses, and the gentleman's private carriages with the shutters +up, pass along to Saint Waltheof's. + +You can hear the slow bell tolling clear in the sunshine already, +mingling with the crowing of "Punch," who is passing down the street +with his show; and the two musics make a queer medley. + +Not near so many people, I remark, engage "Punch" now as in the good old +times. I suppose our quarter is growing too genteel for him. + +Miss Bridget Jones, a poor curate's daughter in Wales, comes into all +Hunkington's property, and will take his name, as I am told. Nobody +ever heard of her before. I am sure Captain Hunkington, and his brother +Barnwell Hunkington, must wish that the lucky young lady had never been +heard of to the present day. + +But they will have the consolation of thinking that they did their duty +by their uncle, and consoled his declining years. It was but last month +that Millwood Hunkington (the Captain) sent the old gentleman a service +of plate; and Mrs. Barnwell got a reclining carriage at a great expense +from Hobbs and Dobbs's, in which the old gentleman went out only once. + +"It is a punishment on those Hunkingtons," Miss Clapperclaw remarks: +"upon those people who have been always living beyond their little +incomes, and always speculating upon what the old man would leave them, +and always coaxing him with presents which they could not afford, and +he did not want. It is a punishment upon those Hunkingtons to be so +disappointed." + +"Think of giving him plate," Miss C. justly says, "who had chests-full; +and sending him a carriage, who could afford to buy all Long Acre. And +everything goes to Miss Jones Hunkington. I wonder will she give the +things back?" Miss Clapperclaw asks. "I wouldn't." + +And indeed I don't think Miss Clapperclaw would. + + +SOMEBODY WHOM NOBODY KNOWS. + + +That pretty little house, the last in Pocklington Square, was lately +occupied by a young widow lady who wore a pink bonnet, a short silk +dress, sustained by a crinoline, and a light blue mantle, or over-jacket +(Miss C. is not here to tell me the name of the garment); or else a +black velvet pelisse, a yellow shawl, and a white bonnet; or else--but +never mind the dress, which seemed to be of the handsomest sort money +could buy--and who had very long glossy black ringlets, and a peculiarly +brilliant complexion,--No. 96, Pocklington Square, I say, was lately +occupied by a widow lady named Mrs. Stafford Molyneux. + +The very first day on which an intimate and valued female friend of mine +saw Mrs. Stafford Molyneux stepping into a brougham, with a splendid bay +horse, and without a footman, (mark, if you please, that delicate sign +of respectability,) and after a moment's examination of Mrs. S. M.'s +toilette, her manners, little dog, carnation-colored parasol, &c., Miss +Elizabeth Clapperclaw clapped to the opera-glass with which she had been +regarding the new inhabitant of Our Street, came away from the window +in a great flurry, and began poking her fire in a fit of virtuous +indignation. + +"She's very pretty," said I, who had been looking over Miss C.'s +shoulder at the widow with the flashing eyes and drooping ringlets. + +"Hold your tongue, sir," said Miss Clapperclaw, tossing up her virgin +head with an indignant blush on her nose. "It's a sin and a shame that +such a creature should be riding in her carriage, forsooth, when honest +people must go on foot." + +Subsequent observations confirmed my revered fellow-lodger's anger and +opinion. We have watched Hansom cabs standing before that lady's house +for hours; we have seen broughams, with great flaring eyes, +keeping watch there in the darkness; we have seen the vans from the +comestible-shops drive up and discharge loads of wines, groceries, +French plums, and other articles of luxurious horror. We have seen Count +Wowski's drag, Lord Martingale's carriage, Mr. Deuceace's cab drive up +there time after time; and (having remarked previously the pastry-cook's +men arrive with the trays and entrees), we have known that this widow +was giving dinners at the little house in Pocklington Square--dinners +such as decent people could not hope to enjoy. + +My excellent friend has been in a perfect fury when Mrs. Stafford +Molyneux, in a black velvet riding-habit, with a hat and feather, has +come out and mounted an odious gray horse, and has cantered down the +street, followed by her groom upon a bay. + +"It won't last long--it must end in shame and humiliation," my dear Miss +C. has remarked, disappointed that the tiles and chimney-pots did not +fall down upon Mrs. Stafford Molyneux's head, and crush that cantering, +audacious woman. + +But it was a consolation to see her when she walked out with a French +maid, a couple of children, and a little dog hanging on to her by a blue +ribbon. She always held down her head then--her head with the drooping +black ringlets. The virtuous and well-disposed avoided her. I have +seen the Square-keeper himself look puzzled as she passed; and Lady +Kicklebury walking by with Miss K., her daughter, turn away from Mrs. +Stafford Molyneux, and fling back at her a ruthless Parthian glance that +ought to have killed any woman of decent sensibility. + +That wretched woman, meanwhile, with her rouged cheeks (for rouge it +IS, Miss Clapperclaw swears, and who is a better judge?) has walked on +conscious, and yet somehow braving out the Street. You could read pride +of her beauty, pride of her fine clothes, shame of her position, in her +downcast black eyes. + +As for Mademoiselle Trampoline, her French maid, she would stare the sun +itself out of countenance. One day she tossed up her head as she passed +under our windows with a look of scorn that drove Miss Clapperclaw back +to the fireplace again. + +It was Mrs. Stafford Molyneux's children, however, whom I pitied the +most. Once her boy, in a flaring tartan, went up to speak to Master +Roderick Lacy, whose maid was engaged ogling a policeman; and the +children were going to make friends, being united with a hoop which +Master Molyneux had, when Master Roderick's maid, rushing up, clutched +her charge to her arms, and hurried away, leaving little Molyneux sad +and wondering. + +"Why won't he play with me, mamma?" Master Molyneux asked--and his +mother's face blushed purple as she walked away. + +"Ah--heaven help us and forgive us!" said I; but Miss C. can never +forgive the mother or child; and she clapped her hands for joy one day +when we saw the shutters up, bills in the windows, a carpet hanging out +over the balcony, and a crowd of shabby Jews about the steps--giving +token that the reign of Mrs. Stafford Molyneux was over. The +pastry-cooks and their trays, the bay and the gray, the brougham and the +groom, the noblemen and their cabs, were all gone; and the tradesmen in +the neighborhood were crying out that they were done. + +"Serve the odious minx right!" says Miss C.; and she played at piquet +that night with more vigor than I have known her manifest for these last +ten years. + +What is it that makes certain old ladies so savage upon certain +subjects? Miss C. is a good woman; pays her rent and her tradesmen; +gives plenty to the poor; is brisk with her tongue--kind-hearted in the +main; but if Mrs. Stafford Molyneux and her children were plunged into +a caldron of boiling vinegar, I think my revered friend would not take +them out. + + +THE MAN IN POSSESSION. + + +For another misfortune which occurred in Our Street we were much more +compassionate. We liked Danby Dixon, and his wife Fanny Dixon still +more. Miss C. had a paper of biscuits and a box of preserved apricots +always in the cupboard, ready for Dixon's children--provisions by +the way which she locked up under Mrs. Cammysole's nose, so that our +landlady could by no possibility lay a hand on them. + +Dixon and his wife had the neatest little house possible, (No. 16, +opposite 96,) and were liked and respected by the whole street. He was +called Dandy Dixon when he was in the dragoons, and was a light weight, +and rather famous as a gentleman rider. On his marriage, he sold out and +got fat: and was indeed a florid, contented, and jovial gentleman. + +His little wife was charming--to see her in pink with some miniature +Dixons, in pink too, round about her, or in that beautiful gray dress, +with the deep black lace flounces, which she wore at my Lord Comandine's +on the night of the private theatricals, would have done any man +good. To hear her sing any of my little ballads, "Knowest Thou the +Willow-tree?" for instance, or "The Rose upon my Balcony," or "The +Humming of the Honey-bee," (far superior in MY judgment, and in that +of SOME GOOD JUDGES likewise, to that humbug Clarence Bulbul's +ballads,)--to hear her, I say, sing these, was to be in a sort of small +Elysium. Dear, dear little Fanny Dixon! she was like a little chirping +bird of Paradise. It was a shame that storms should ever ruffle such a +tender plumage. + +Well, never mind about sentiment. Danby Dixon, the owner of this little +treasure, an ex-captain of Dragoons, and having nothing to do, and +a small income, wisely thought he would employ his spare time, and +increase his revenue. He became a director of the Cornaro Life Insurance +Company, of the Tregulpho tin-mines, and of four or five railroad +companies. It was amusing to see him swaggering about the City in his +clinking boots, and with his high and mighty dragoon manners. For a time +his talk about shares after dinner was perfectly intolerable; and I for +one was always glad to leave him in the company of sundry very dubious +capitalists who frequented his house, and walk up to hear Mrs. Fanny +warbling at the piano with her little children about her knees. + +It was only last season that they set up a carriage--the modestest +little vehicle conceivable--driven by Kirby, who had been in Dixon's +troop in the regiment, and had followed him into private life as +coachman, footman, and page. + +One day lately I went into Dixon's house, hearing that some calamities +had befallen him, the particulars of which Miss Clapperclaw was desirous +to know. The creditors of the Tregulpho Mines had got a verdict against +him as one of the directors of that company; the engineer of the +Little Diddlesex Junction had sued him for two thousand three hundred +pounds--the charges of that scientific man for six weeks' labor in +surveying the line. His brother directors were to be discovered nowhere: +Windham, Dodgin, Mizzlington, and the rest, were all gone long ago. + +When I entered, the door was open: there was a smell of smoke in the +dining-room, where a gentleman at noonday was seated with a pipe and +a pot of beer: a man in possession indeed, in that comfortable pretty +parlor, by that snug round table where I have so often seen Fanny +Dixon's smiling face. + +Kirby, the ex-dragoon, was scowling at the fellow, who lay upon a little +settee reading the newspaper, with an evident desire to kill him. Mrs. +Kirby, his wife, held little Danby, poor Dixon's son and heir. Dixon's +portrait smiled over the sideboard still, and his wife was up stairs +in an agony of fear, with the poor little daughters of this bankrupt, +broken family. + +This poor soul had actually come down and paid a visit to the man in +possession. She had sent wine and dinner to "the gentleman down stairs," +as she called him in her terror. She had tried to move his heart, by +representing to him how innocent Captain Dixon was, and how he had +always paid, and always remained at home when everybody else had fled. +As if her tears and simple tales and entreaties could move that man +in possession out of the house, or induce him to pay the costs of the +action which her husband had lost. + +Danby meanwhile was at Boulogne, sickening after his wife and children. +They sold everything in his house--all his smart furniture and neat +little stock of plate; his wardrobe and his linen, "the property of a +gentleman gone abroad;" his carriage by the best maker; and his wine +selected without regard to expense. His house was shut up as completely +as his opposite neighbor's; and a new tenant is just having it fresh +painted inside and out, as if poor Dixon had left an infection behind. + +Kirby and his wife went across the water with the children and Mrs. +Fanny--she has a small settlement; and I am bound to say that our mutual +friend Miss Elizabeth C. went down with Mrs. Dixon in the fly to the +Tower Stairs, and stopped in Lombard Street by the way. + +So it is that the world wags: that honest men and knaves alike are +always having ups and downs of fortune, and that we are perpetually +changing tenants in Our Street. + + +THE LION OF THE STREET. + + +What people can find in Clarence Bulbul, who has lately taken upon +himself the rank and dignity of Lion of Our Street, I have always been +at a loss to conjecture. + +"He has written an Eastern book of considerable merit," Miss Clapperclaw +says; but hang it, has not everybody written an Eastern book? I should +like to meet anybody in society now who has not been up to the second +cataract. An Eastern book forsooth! My Lord Castleroyal has done one--an +honest one; my Lord Youngent another--an amusing one; my Lord Woolsey +another--a pious one; there is "The Cutlet and the Cabob"--a sentimental +one; "Timbuctoothen"--a humorous one, all ludicrously overrated, in my +opinion: not including my own little book, of which a copy or two is +still to be had, by the way. + +Well, then, Clarence Bulbul, because he has made part of the little tour +that all of us know, comes back and gives himself airs, forsooth, and +howls as if he were just out of the great Libyan desert. + +When we go and see him, that Irish Jew courier, whom I have before had +the honor to describe, looks up from the novel which he is reading +in the ante-room, and says, "Mon maitre est au divan," or, "Monsieur +trouvera Monsieur dans son serail," and relapses into the Comte de +Montecristo again. + +Yes, the impudent wretch has actually a room in his apartments on the +ground-floor of his mother's house, which he calls his harem. When Lady +Betty Bulbul (they are of the Nightingale family) or Miss Blanche +comes down to visit him, their slippers are placed at the door, and he +receives them on an ottoman, and these infatuated women will actually +light his pipe for him. + +Little Spitfire, the groom, hangs about the drawing-room, outside the +harem forsooth! so that he may be ready when Clarence Bulbul claps hands +for him to bring the pipes and coffee. + +He has coffee and pipes for everybody. I should like you to have +seen the face of old Bowly, his college-tutor, called upon to sit +cross-legged on a divan, a little cup of bitter black Mocha put into his +hand, and a large amber-muzzled pipe stuck into his mouth by Spitfire, +before he could so much as say it was a fine day. Bowly almost thought +he had compromised his principles by consenting so far to this Turkish +manner. + +Bulbul's dinners are, I own, very good; his pilaffs and curries +excellent. He tried to make us eat rice with our fingers, it is true; +but he scalded his own hands in the business, and invariably bedizened +his shirt; so he has left off the Turkish practice, for dinner at least, +and uses a fork like a Christian. + +But it is in society that he is most remarkable; and here he would, I +own, be odious, but he becomes delightful, because all the men hate him +so. A perfect chorus of abuse is raised round about him. "Confounded +impostor," says one; "Impudent jackass," says another; "Miserable +puppy," cries a third; "I'd like to wring his neck," says Bruff, +scowling over his shoulder at him. Clarence meanwhile nods, winks, +smiles, and patronizes them all with the easiest good-humor. He is a +fellow who would poke an archbishop in the apron, or clap a duke on the +shoulder, as coolly as he would address you and me. + +I saw him the other night at Mrs. Bumpsher's grand let-off. He flung +himself down cross-legged on a pink satin sofa, so that you could see +Mrs. Bumpsher quiver with rage in the distance, Bruff growl with fury +from the further room, and Miss Pim, on whose frock Bulbul's feet +rested, look up like a timid fawn. + +"Fan me, Miss Pim," said he of the cushion. "You look like a perfect +Peri to-night. You remind me of a girl I once knew in Circassia--Ameena, +the sister of Schamyl Bey. Do you know, Miss Pim, that you would fetch +twenty thousand piastres in the market at Constantinople?" + +"Law, Mr. Bulbul!" is all Miss Pim can ejaculate; and having talked over +Miss Pim, Clarence goes off to another houri, whom he fascinates in a +similar manner. He charmed Mrs. Waddy by telling her that she was the +exact figure of the Pasha of Egypt's second wife. He gave Miss Tokely +a piece of the sack in which Zuleika was drowned; and he actually +persuaded that poor little silly Miss Vain to turn Mahometan, and sent +her up to the Turkish ambassador's to look out for a mufti. + + +THE DOVE OF OUR STREET. + + +If Bulbul is our Lion, Young Oriel may be described as The Dove of our +colony. He is almost as great a pasha among the ladies as Bulbul. They +crowd in flocks to see him at Saint Waltheof's, where the immense height +of his forehead, the rigid asceticism of his surplice, the twang with +which he intones the service, and the namby-pamby mysticism of his +sermons, have turned all the dear girls' heads for some time past. +While we were having a rubber at Mrs. Chauntry's, whose daughters are +following the new mode, I heard the following talk (which made me revoke +by the way) going on, in what was formerly called the young ladies' +room, but is now styled the Oratory:-- + + +THE ORATORY. + +MISS CHAUNTRY. MISS ISABEL CHAUNTRY. + +MISS DE L'AISLE. MISS PYX. + +REV. L. ORIEL. REV. O. SLOCUM--[In the further room.] + + +Miss Chauntry (sighing).--Is it wrong to be in the Guards, dear Mr. +Oriel? + +Miss Pyx.--She will make Frank de Boots sell out when he marries. + +Mr. Oriel.--To be in the Guards, dear sister? The church has always +encouraged the army. Saint Martin of Tours was in the army; Saint +Louis was in the army; Saint Waltheof, our patron, Saint Witikind of +Aldermanbury, Saint Wamba, and Saint Walloff were in the army. Saint +Wapshot was captain of the guard of Queen Boadicea; and Saint Werewolf +was a major in the Danish cavalry. The holy Saint Ignatius of Loyola +carried a pike, as we know; and-- + +Miss De l'Aisle.--Will you take some tea, dear Mr. Oriel? + +Oriel.--This is not one of MY feast days, Sister Emma. It is the feast +of Saint Wagstatf of Walthamstow. + +The Young Ladies.--And we must not even take tea? + +Oriel.--Dear sisters, I said not so. YOU may do as you list; but I am +strong (with a heart-broken sigh); don't ply me (he reels). I took a +little water and a parched pea after matins. To-morrow is a flesh day, +and--and I shall be better then. + +Rev. O. Slocum (from within).--Madam, I take your heart with my small +trump. + +Oriel.--Yes, better! dear sister; it is only a passing--a--weakness. + +Miss I. Chauntry.--He's dying of fever. + +Miss Chauntry.--I'm so glad De Boots need not leave the Blues. + +Miss Pyx.--He wears sackcloth and cinders inside his waistcoat. + +Miss De l'Aisle.--He's told me to-night he's going to--to--Ro-o-ome. +[Miss De l'Aisle bursts into tears.] + +Rev. O. Slocum.--My lord, I have the highest club, which gives the trick +and two by honors. + + +Thus, you see, we have a variety of clergymen in Our Street. Mr. Oriel +is of the pointed Gothic school, while old Slocum is of the good old +tawny port-wine school: and it must be confessed that Mr. Gronow, at +Ebenezer, has a hearty abhorrence for both. + +As for Gronow, I pity him, if his future lot should fall where Mr. Oriel +supposes that it will. + +And as for Oriel, he has not even the benefit of purgatory, which he +would accord to his neighbor Ebenezer; while old Slocum pronounces both +to be a couple of humbugs; and Mr. Mole, the demure little beetle-browed +chaplain of the little church of Avemary Lane, keeps his sly eyes down +to the ground when he passes any one of his black-coated brethren. + +There is only one point on which, my friends, they seem agreed. Slocum +likes port, but who ever heard that he neglected his poor? Gronow, if +he comminates his neighbor's congregation, is the affectionate father +of his own. Oriel, if he loves pointed Gothic and parched peas for +breakfast, has a prodigious soup-kitchen for his poor; and as for little +Father Mole, who never lifts his eyes from the ground, ask our doctor +at what bedsides he finds him, and how he soothes poverty, and braves +misery and infection. + + +THE BUMPSHERS. + + +No. 6, Pocklington Gardens, (the house with the quantity of flowers +in the windows, and the awning over the entrance,) George Bumpsher, +Esquire, M.P. for Humborough (and the Beanstalks, Kent). + +For some time after this gorgeous family came into our quarter, I +mistook a bald-headed, stout person, whom I used to see looking through +the flowers on the upper windows, for Bumpsher himself, or for the +butler of the family; whereas it was no other than Mrs. Bumpsher, +without her chestnut wig, and who is at least three times the size of +her husband. + +The Bumpshers and the house of Mango at the Pineries vie together in +their desire to dominate over the neighborhood; and each votes the other +a vulgar and purse-proud family. The fact is, both are City people. +Bumpsher, in his mercantile capacity, is a wholesale stationer in Thames +Street; and his wife was the daughter of an eminent bill-broking firm, +not a thousand miles from Lombard Street. + +He does not sport a coronet and supporters upon his London plate and +carriages; but his country-house is emblazoned all over with those +heraldic decorations. He puts on an order when he goes abroad, and is +Count Bumpsher of the Roman States--which title he purchased from the +late Pope (through Prince Polonia the banker) for a couple of thousand +scudi. + +It is as good as a coronation to see him and Mrs. Bumpsher go to Court. +I wonder the carriage can hold them both. On those days Mrs. Bumpsher +holds her own drawing-room before her Majesty's; and we are invited to +come and see her sitting in state, upon the largest sofa in her rooms. +She has need of a stout one, I promise you. Her very feathers must weigh +something considerable. The diamonds on her stomacher would embroider a +full-sized carpet-bag. She has rubies, ribbons, cameos, emeralds, gold +serpents, opals, and Valenciennes lace, as if she were an immense sample +out of Howell and James's shop. + +She took up with little Pinkney at Rome, where he made a charming +picture of her, representing her as about eighteen, with a cherub in her +lap, who has some liking to Bryanstone Bumpsher, her enormous, vulgar +son; now a cornet in the Blues, and anything but a cherub, as those +would say who saw him in his uniform jacket. + +I remember Pinkney when he was painting the picture, Bryanstone being +then a youth in what they call a skeleton suit (as if such a pig of a +child could ever have been dressed in anything resembling a skeleton)--I +remember, I say, Mrs. B. sitting to Pinkney in a sort of Egerian +costume, her boy by her side, whose head the artist turned round and +directed it towards a piece of gingerbread, which he was to have at the +end of the sitting. + +Pinkney, indeed, a painter!--a contemptible little humbug, a parasite +of the great! He has painted Mrs. Bumpsher younger every year for these +last ten years--and you see in the advertisements of all her parties +his odious little name stuck in at the end of the list. I'm sure, for my +part, I'd scorn to enter her doors, or be the toady of any woman. + + +JOLLY NEWBOY, ESQ., M.P. + + +How different it is with the Newboys, now, where I have an entree +(having indeed had the honor in former days to give lessons to both the +ladies)--and where such a quack as Pinkney would never be allowed to +enter! A merrier house the whole quarter cannot furnish. It is there +you meet people of all ranks and degrees, not only from our quarter, +but from the rest of the town. It is there that our great man, the Right +Honorable Lord Comandine, came up and spoke to me in so encouraging +a manner that I hope to be invited to one of his lordship's excellent +dinners (of which I shall not fail to give a very flattering +description) before the season is over. It is there you find yourself +talking to statesmen, poets, and artists--not sham poets like Bulbul, or +quack artists like that Pinkney--but to the best members of all society. +It is there I made this sketch, while Miss Chesterforth was singing a +deep-toned tragic ballad, and her mother scowling behind her. What a +buzz and clack and chatter there was in the room to be sure! When Miss +Chesterforth sings, everybody begins to talk. Hicks and old Fogy were on +Ireland: Bass was roaring into old Pump's ears (or into his horn rather) +about the Navigation Laws; I was engaged talking to the charming Mrs. +Short; while Charley Bonham (a mere prig, in whom I am surprised that +the women can see anything,) was pouring out his fulsome rhapsodies in +the ears of Diana White. Lovely, lovely Diana White! were it not for +three or four other engagements, I know a heart that would suit you to a +T. + +Newboy's I pronounce to be the jolliest house in the street. He has only +of late had a rush of prosperity, and turned Parliament man; for his +distant cousin, of the ancient house of Newboy of ----shire, dying, +Fred--then making believe to practise at the bar, and living with the +utmost modesty in Gray's Inn Road--found himself master of a fortune, +and a great house in the country; of which getting tired, as in the +course of nature he should, he came up to London, and took that fine +mansion in our Gardens. He represents Mumborough in Parliament, a seat +which has been time out of mind occupied by a Newboy. + +Though he does not speak, being a great deal too rich, sensible, and +lazy, he somehow occupies himself with reading blue-books, and indeed +talks a great deal too much good sense of late over his dinner-table, +where there is always a cover for the present writer. + +He falls asleep pretty assiduously too after that meal--a practice +which I can well pardon in him--for, between ourselves, his wife, Maria +Newboy, and his sister, Clarissa, are the loveliest and kindest of their +sex, and I would rather hear their innocent prattle, and lively talk +about their neighbors, than the best wisdom from the wisest man that +ever wore a beard. + +Like a wise and good man, he leaves the question of his household +entirely to the women. They like going to the play. They like going to +Greenwich. They like coming to a party at Bachelor's hall. They are up +to all sorts of fun, in a word; in which taste the good-natured Newboy +acquiesces, provided he is left to follow his own. + +It was only on the 17th of the month, that, having had the honor to dine +at the house, when, after dinner, which took place at eight, we left +Newboy to his blue-books, and went up stairs and sang a little to the +guitar afterwards--it was only on the 17th December, the night of Lady +Sowerby's party, that the following dialogue took place in the boudoir, +whither Newboy, blue-books in hand, had ascended. + +He was curled up with his House of Commons boots on his wife's +arm-chair, reading his eternal blue-books, when Mrs. N. entered from her +apartment, dressed for the evening. + +Mrs. N.--Frederick, won't you come? + +Mr. N.--Where? + +Mrs. N.--To Lady Sowerby's. + +Mr. N.--I'd rather go to the Black Hole in Calcutta. Besides, this +Sanitary Report is really the most interesting--[he begins to read.] + +Mrs. N.--(piqued)--Well, Mr. Titmarsh will go with us. + +Mr. N.--Will he? I wish him joy. + +At this juncture Miss Clarissa Newboy enters in a pink paletot, trimmed +with swansdown--looking like an angel--and we exchange glances of--what +shall I say?--of sympathy on both parts, and consummate rapture on mine. +But this is by-play. + +Mrs. N.--Good night, Frederick. I think we shall be late. + +Mr. N.--You won't wake me, I dare say; and you don't expect a public man +to sit up. + +Mrs. N.--It's not you, it's the servants. Cocker sleeps very heavily. +The maids are best in bed, and are all ill with the influenza. I say, +Frederick dear, don't you think you had better give me YOUR CHUBB KEY? + +This astonishing proposal, which violates every recognized law of +society--this demand which alters all the existing state of things--this +fact of a woman asking for a door-key, struck me with a terror which I +cannot describe, and impressed me with the fact of the vast progress of +Our Street. The door-key! What would our grandmothers, who dwelt in +this place when it was a rustic suburb, think of its condition now, when +husbands stay at home, and wives go abroad with the latchkey? + +The evening at Lady Sowerby's was the most delicious we have spent for +long, long days. + +Thus it will be seen that everybody of any consideration in Our Street +takes a line. Mrs. Minimy (34) takes the homoeopathic line, and has +soirees of doctors of that faith. Lady Pocklington takes the capitalist +line; and those stupid and splendid dinners of hers are devoured by +loan-contractors and railroad princes. Mrs. Trimmer (38) comes out in +the scientific line, and indulges us in rational evenings, where history +is the lightest subject admitted, and geology and the sanitary condition +of the metropolis form the general themes of conversation. Mrs. Brumby +plays finely on the bassoon, and has evenings dedicated to Sebastian +Bach, and enlivened with Handel. At Mrs. Maskleyn's they are mad for +charades and theatricals. + +They performed last Christmas in a French piece, by Alexandre Dumas, I +believe--"La Duchesse de Montefiasco," of which I forget the plot, but +everybody was in love with everybody else's wife, except the hero, Don +Alonzo, who was ardently attached to the Duchess, who turned out to be +his grandmother. The piece was translated by Lord Fiddle-faddle, Tom +Bulbul being the Don Alonzo; and Mrs. Roland Calidore (who never misses +an opportunity of acting in a piece in which she can let down her hair) +was the Duchess. + + +ALONZO. + +You know how well he loves you, and you wonder To see Alonzo suffer, +Cunegunda?--Ask if the chamois suffer when they feel Plunged in their +panting sides the hunter's steel? Or when the soaring heron or eagle +proud, Pierced by my shaft, comes tumbling from the cloud, Ask if the +royal birds no anguish know, The victims of Alonzo's twanging bow? Then +ask him if he suffers--him who dies, Pierced by the poisoned glance that +glitters from your eyes! [He staggers from the effect of the poison. + +THE DUCHESS. + +Alonzo loves--Alonzo loves! and whom? His grandmother! Oh, hide me, +gracious tomb! [Her Grace faints away. + + +Such acting as Tom Bulbul's I never saw. Tom lisps atrociously, and +uttered the passage, "You athk me if I thuffer," in the most absurd way. +Miss Clapperclaw says he acted pretty well, and that I only joke about +him because I am envious, and wanted to act a part myself.--I envious +indeed! + +But of all the assemblies, feastings, junketings, dejeunes, soirees, +conversaziones, dinner-parties, in Our Street, I know of none pleasanter +than the banquets at Tom Fairfax's; one of which this enormous +provision-consumer gives seven times a week. He lives in one of the +little houses of the old Waddilove Street quarter, built long before +Pocklington Square and Pocklington Gardens and the Pocklington family +itself had made their appearance in this world. + +Tom, though he has a small income, and lives in a small house, yet sits +down one of a party of twelve to dinner every day of his life; these +twelve consisting of Mrs. Fairfax, the nine Misses Fairfax, and Master +Thomas Fairfax--the son and heir to twopence halfpenny a year. + +It is awkward just now to go and beg pot-luck from such a family as +this; because, though a guest is always welcome, we are thirteen at +table--an unlucky number, it is said. This evil is only temporary, and +will be remedied presently, when the family will be thirteen WITHOUT the +occasional guest, to judge from all appearances. + +Early in the morning Mrs. Fairfax rises, and cuts bread and butter from +six o'clock till eight; during which time the nursery operations upon +the nine little graces are going on. If his wife has to rise early to +cut the bread and butter, I warrant Fairfax must be up betimes to earn +it. He is a clerk in a Government office; to which duty he trudges +daily, refusing even twopenny omnibuses. Every time he goes to the +shoemaker's he has to order eleven pairs of shoes, and so can't afford +to spare his own. He teaches the children Latin every morning, and is +already thinking when Tom shall be inducted into that language. He +works in his garden for an hour before breakfast. His work over by three +o'clock, he tramps home at four, and exchanges his dapper coat for his +dressing-gown--a ragged but honorable garment. + +Which is the best, his old coat or Sir John's bran-new one? Which is the +most comfortable and becoming, Mrs. Fairfax's black velvet gown (which +she has worn at the Pocklington Square parties these twelve years, and +in which I protest she looks like a queen), or that new robe which the +milliner has just brought home to Mrs. Bumpsher's, and into which she +will squeeze herself on Christmas-day? + +Miss Clapperclaw says that we are all so charmingly contented with +ourselves that not one of us would change with his neighbor; and so, +rich and poor, high and low, one person is about as happy as another in +Our Street. + + + + +DOCTOR BIRCH AND HIS YOUNG FRIENDS + +by MR. M. A. TITMARSH + + +THE DOCTOR AND HIS STAFF. + + +There is no need to say why I became assistant-master and professor of +the English and French languages, flower-painting, and the German flute, +in Doctor Birch's Academy, at Rodwell Regis. Good folks may depend on +this, that it was not for CHOICE that I left lodgings near London, and +a genteel society, for an under-master's desk in that old school. +I promise you the fare at the usher's table, the getting up at five +o'clock in the morning, the walking out with little boys in the fields, +(who used to play me tricks, and never could be got to respect my awful +and responsible character as teacher in the school,) Miss Birch's vulgar +insolence, Jack Birch's glum condescension, and the poor old Doctor's +patronage, were not matters in themselves pleasurable: and that that +patronage and those dinners were sometimes cruel hard to swallow. Never +mind--my connection with the place is over now, and I hope they have got +a more efficient under-master. + +Jack Birch (Rev. J. Birch, of St. Neot's Hall, Oxford,) is partner with +his father the Doctor, and takes some of the classes. About his Greek +I can't say much; but I will construe him in Latin any day. A more +supercilious little prig, (giving himself airs, too, about his cousin, +Miss Raby, who lives with the Doctor,) a more empty, pompous little +coxcomb I never saw. His white neck-cloth looked as if it choked him. He +used to try and look over that starch upon me and Prince the assistant, +as if he were a couple of footmen. He didn't do much business in the +school; but occupied his time in writing sanctified letters to the boys' +parents, and in composing dreary sermons to preach to them. + +The real master of the school is Prince; an Oxford man too: shy, +haughty, and learned; crammed with Greek and a quantity of useless +learning; uncommonly kind to the small boys; pitiless with the fools +and the braggarts; respected of all for his honesty, his learning, his +bravery, (for he hit out once in a boat-row in a way which astonished +the boys and the bargemen,) and for a latent power about him, which all +saw and confessed somehow. Jack Birch could never look him in the face. +Old Miss Z. dared not put off any of HER airs upon him. Miss Rosa made +him the lowest of curtsies. Miss Raby said she was afraid of him. +Good old Prince! we have sat many a night smoking in the Doctor's +harness-room, whither we retired when our boys were gone to bed, and our +cares and canes put by. + +After Jack Birch had taken his degree at Oxford--a process which he +effected with great difficulty--this place, which used to be called +"Birch's," "Dr. Birch's Academy," and what not, became suddenly +"Archbishop Wigsby's College of Rodwell Regis." They took down the old +blue board with the gold letters, which has been used to mend the pigsty +since. Birch had a large school-room run up in the Gothic taste, with +statuettes, and a little belfry, and a bust of Archbishop Wigsby in the +middle of the school. He put the six senior boys into caps and gowns, +which had rather a good effect as the lads sauntered down the street of +the town, but which certainly provoked the contempt and hostility of +the bargemen; and so great was his rage for academic costumes and +ordinances, that he would have put me myself into a lay gown, with +red knots and fringes, but that I flatly resisted, and said that a +writing-master had no business with such paraphernalia. + +By the way, I have forgotten to mention the Doctor himself. And what +shall I say of him? Well, he has a very crisp gown and bands, a solemn +aspect, a tremendous loud voice, and a grand air with the boys' parents; +whom he receives in a study covered round with the best-bound books, +which imposes upon many--upon the women especially--and makes them fancy +that this is a Doctor indeed. But law bless you! He never reads the +books, or opens one of them; except that in which he keeps his bands--a +Dugdale's "Monasticon," which looks like a book, but is in reality a +cupboard, where he has his port, almond-cakes, and decanter of wine. +He gets up his classics with translations, or what the boys call cribs; +they pass wicked tricks upon him when he hears the forms. The elder wags +go to his study and ask him to help them in hard bits of Herodotus or +Thucydides: he says he will look over the passage, and flies for refuge +to Mr. Prince, or to the crib. + +He keeps the flogging department in his own hands; finding that his +son was too savage. He has awful brows and a big voice. But his roar +frightens nobody. It is only a lion's skin; or, so to say, a muff. + +Little Mordant made a picture of him with large ears, like a well-known +domestic animal, and had his own justly boxed for the caricature. +The Doctor discovered him in the fact, and was in a flaming rage, and +threatened whipping at first; but in the course of the day an opportune +basket of game arriving from Mordant's father, the Doctor became +mollified, and has burnt the picture with the ears. However, I have one +wafered up in my desk by the hand of the same little rascal. + + +THE COCK OF THE SCHOOL. + + +I am growing an old fellow, and have seen many great folks in the course +of my travels and time: Louis Philippe coming out of the Tuileries; his +Majesty the King of Prussia and the Reichsverweser accolading each other +at Cologne at my elbow; Admiral Sir Charles Napier (in an omnibus +once), the Duke of Wellington, the immortal Goethe at Weimar, the late +benevolent Pope Gregory XVI., and a score more of the famous in this +world--the whom whenever one looks at, one has a mild shock of awe and +tremor. I like this feeling and decent fear and trembling with which a +modest spirit salutes a GREAT MAN. + +Well, I have seen generals capering on horseback at the head of their +crimson battalions; bishops sailing down cathedral aisles, with downcast +eyes, pressing their trencher caps to their hearts with their fat white +hands; college heads when her Majesty is on a visit; the doctor in all +his glory at the head of his school on speech-day: a great sight and all +great men these. I have never met the late Mr. Thomas Cribb, but I have +no doubt should have regarded him with the same feeling of awe with +which I look every day at George Champion, the Cock of Dr. Birch's +school. + +When, I say, I reflect as I go up and set him a sum, that he could whop +me in two minutes, double up Prince and the other assistant, and pitch +the Doctor out of window, I can't but think how great, how generous, how +magnanimous a creature this is, that sits quite quiet and good-natured, +and works his equation, and ponders through his Greek play. He might +take the school-room pillars and pull the house down if he liked. He +might close the door, and demolish every one of us, like Antar the lover +or Ibla; but he lets us live. He never thrashes anybody without a cause; +when woe betide the tyrant or the sneak! + +I think that to be strong, and able to whop everybody--(not to do +it, mind you, but to feel that you were able to do it,)--would be the +greatest of all gifts. There is a serene good humor which plays about +George Champion's broad face, which shows the consciousness of this +power, and lights up his honest blue eyes with a magnanimous calm. + +He is invictus. Even when a cub there was no beating this lion. Six +years ago the undaunted little warrior actually stood up to Frank +Davison,--(the Indian officer now--poor little Charley's brother, whom +Miss Raby nursed so affectionately,)--then seventeen years old, and the +Cock of Birch's. They were obliged to drag off the boy, and Frank, with +admiration and regard for him, prophesied the great things he would do. +Legends of combats are preserved fondly in schools; they have stories of +such at Rodwell Regis, performed in the old Doctor's time, forty years +ago. + +Champion's affair with the Young Tutbury Pet, who was down here in +training,--with Black the bargeman,--with the three head boys of Doctor +Wapshot's academy, whom he caught maltreating an outlying day-boy +of ours, &c.,--are known to all the Rodwell Regis men. He was always +victorious. He is modest and kind, like all great men. He has a good, +brave, honest understanding. He cannot make verses like young Pinder, +or read Greek like Wells the Prefect, who is a perfect young abyss of +learning, and knows enough, Prince says, to furnish any six first-class +men; but he does his work in a sound downright way, and he is made to be +the bravest of soldiers, the best of country parsons, an honest English +gentleman wherever he may go. + +Old Champion's chief friend and attendant is Young Jack Hall, whom he +saved, when drowning, out of the Miller's Pool. The attachment of the +two is curious to witness. The smaller lad gambolling, playing tricks +round the bigger one, and perpetually making fun of his protector. They +are never far apart, and of holidays you may meet them miles away from +the school,--George sauntering heavily down the lanes with his +big stick, and little Jack larking with the pretty girls in the +cottage-windows. + +George has a boat on the river, in which, however, he commonly lies +smoking, whilst Jack sculls him. He does not play at cricket, except +when the school plays the county, or at Lord's in the holidays. The boys +can't stand his bowling, and when he hits, it is like trying to catch a +cannon-ball. I have seen him at tennis. It is a splendid sight to behold +the young fellow bounding over the court with streaming yellow hair, +like young Apollo in a flannel jacket. + +The other head boys are Lawrence the captain, Bunce, famous chiefly for +his magnificent appetite, and Pitman, surnamed Roscius, for his love of +the drama. Add to these Swanky, called Macassar, from his partiality +to that condiment, and who has varnished boots, wears white gloves on +Sundays, and looks out for Miss Pinkerton's school (transferred from +Chiswick to Rodwell Regis, and conducted by the nieces of the late +Miss Barbara Pinkerton, the friend of our great lexicographer, upon the +principles approved by him, and practised by that admirable woman,) as +it passes into church. + +Representations have been made concerning Mr. Horace Swanky's +behavior; rumors have been uttered about notes in verse, conveyed in +three-cornered puffs, by Mrs. Ruggles, who serves Miss Pinkerton's young +ladies on Fridays,--and how Miss Didow, to whom the tart and enclosure +were addressed, tried to make away with herself by swallowing a ball of +cotton. But I pass over these absurd reports, as likely to affect the +reputation of an admirable seminary conducted by irreproachable females. +As they go into church Miss P. driving in her flock of lambkins with +the crook of her parasol, how can it be helped if her forces and ours +sometimes collide, as the boys are on their way up to the organ-loft? +And I don't believe a word about the three-cornered puff, but rather +that it was the invention of that jealous Miss Birch, who is jealous of +Miss Raby, jealous of everybody who is good and handsome, and who has +HER OWN ENDS in view, or I am very much in error. + + +THE DEAR BROTHERS. + +A MELODRAMA IN SEVERAL ROUNDS. + + +THE DOCTOR. + +MR. TIPPER, Uncle to the Masters Boxall. + +BOXALL MAJOR, BOXALL MINOR, BROWN, JONES, SMITH, ROBINSON, TIFFIN +MINIMUS. + + +B. Go it, old Boxall! + +J. Give it him, young Boxall! + +R. Pitch into him, old Boxall! + +S. Two to one on young Boxall! + +[Enter TIFFIN MINIMUS, running. + +Tiffin Minimus.--Boxalls! you're wanted. (The Doctor to Mr. +Tipper.)--Every boy in the school loves them, my dear sir; your nephews +are a credit to my establishment. They are orderly, well-conducted, +gentlemanlike boys. Let us enter and find them at their studies. + +[Enter The DOCTOR and Mr. TIPPER. + +GRAND TABLEAU. + + +THE LITTLE SCHOOL-ROOM. + + +What they call the little school-room is a small room at the other end +of the great school; through which you go to the Doctor's private house, +and where Miss Raby sits with her pupils. She has a half-dozen very +small ones over whom she presides and teaches them in her simple way, +until they are big or learned enough to face the great school-room. Many +of them are in a hurry for promotion, the graceless little simpletons, +and know no more than their elders when they are well off. + +She keeps the accounts, writes out the bills, superintends the linen, +and sews on the general shirt-buttons. Think of having such a woman +at home to sew on one's shirt-buttons! But peace, peace, thou foolish +heart! + +Miss Raby is the Doctor's niece. Her mother was a beauty (quite unlike +old Zoe therefore); and she married a pupil in the old Doctor's time who +was killed afterwards, a captain in the East India service, at the siege +of Bhurtpore. Hence a number of Indian children come to the Doctor's; +for Raby was very much liked, and the uncle's kind reception of the +orphan has been a good speculation for the school-keeper. + +It is wonderful how brightly and gayly that little quick creature +does her duty. She is the first to rise, and the last to sleep, if any +business is to be done. She sees the other two women go off to parties +in the town without even so much as wishing to join them. It is +Cinderella, only contented to stay at home--content to bear Zoe's scorn +and to admit Rosa's superior charms,--and to do her utmost to repay her +uncle for his great kindness in housing her. + +So you see she works as much as three maid-servants for the wages of +one. She is as thankful when the Doctor gives her a new gown, as if +he had presented her with a fortune; laughs at his stories most +good-humoredly, listens to Zoe's scolding most meekly, admires Rosa with +all her heart, and only goes out of the way when Jack Birch shows his +sallow face: for she can't bear him, and always finds work when he comes +near. + +How different she is when some folks approach her! I won't be +presumptuous; but I think, I think, I have made a not unfavorable +impression in some quarters. However, let us be mum on this subject. I +like to see her, because she always looks good-humored; because she is +always kind, because she is always modest, because she is fond of those +poor little brats,--orphans some of them--because she is rather pretty, +I dare say, or because I think so, which comes to the same thing. + +Though she is kind to all, it must be owned she shows the most gross +favoritism towards the amiable children. She brings them cakes from +dessert, and regales them with Zoe's preserves; spends many of her +little shillings in presents for her favorites, and will tell them +stories by the hour. She has one very sad story about a little boy, who +died long ago: the younger children are never weary of hearing about +him; and Miss Raby has shown to one of them a lock of the little chap's +hair, which she keeps in her work-box to this day. + + +A HOPELESS CASE. + + +Let us, people who are so uncommonly clever and learned, have a great +tenderness and pity for the poor folks who are not endowed with the +prodigious talents which we have. I have always had a regard for +dunces;--those of my own school-days were amongst the pleasantest of the +fellows, and have turned out by no means the dullest in life; whereas +many a youth who could turn off Latin hexameters by the yard, and +construe Greek quite glibly, is no better than a feeble prig now, with +not a pennyworth more brains than were in his head before his beard +grew. + +Those poor dunces! Talk of being the last man, ah! what a pang it must +be to be the last boy--huge, misshapen, fourteen years of age, and +"taken up" by a chap who is but six years old, and can't speak quite +plain yet! + +Master Hulker is in that condition at Birch's. He is the most honest, +kind, active, plucky, generous creature. He can do many things better +than most boys. He can go up a tree, pump, play at cricket, dive and +swim perfectly--he can eat twice as much as almost any lady (as Miss +Birch well knows), he has a pretty talent at carving figures with his +hack-knife, he makes and paints little coaches, he can take a watch to +pieces and put it together again. He can do everything but learn his +lesson; and then he sticks at the bottom of the school hopeless. As the +little boys are drafted in from Miss Raby's class, (it is true she is +one of the best instructresses in the world,) they enter and hop over +poor Hulker. He would be handed over to the governess, only he is too +big. Sometimes, I used to think that this desperate stupidity was a +stratagem of the poor rascal's, and that he shammed dulness, so that he +might be degraded into Miss Raby's class--if she would teach ME, I know, +before George, I would put on a pinafore and a little jacket--but no, it +is a natural incapacity for the Latin Grammar. + +If you could see his grammar, it is a perfect curiosity of dog's ears. +The leaves and cover are all curled and ragged. Many of the pages are +worn away with the rubbing of his elbows as he sits poring over the +hopeless volume, with the blows of his fists as he thumps it madly, or +with the poor fellow's tears. You see him wiping them away with the back +of his hand, as he tries and tries, and can't do it. + +When I think of that Latin Grammar, and that infernal As in praesenti, +and of other things which I was made to learn in my youth; upon my +conscience, I am surprised that we ever survived it. When one thinks +of the boys who have been caned because they could not master that +intolerable jargon! Good Lord, what a pitiful chorus these poor little +creatures send up! Be gentle with them, ye schoolmasters, and only whop +those who WON'T learn. + +The Doctor has operated upon Hulker (between ourselves), but the boy was +so little affected you would have thought he had taken chloroform. Birch +is weary of whipping now, and leaves the boy to go his own gait. Prince, +when he hears the lesson, and who cannot help making fun of a fool, +adopts the sarcastic manner with Master Hulker, and says, "Mr. Hulker, +may I take the liberty to inquire if your brilliant intellect has +enabled you to perceive the difference between those words which +grammarians have defined as substantive and adjective nouns?--if not, +perhaps Mr. Ferdinand Timmins will instruct you." And Timmins hops over +Hulker's head. + +I wish Prince would leave off girding at the poor lad. He is a boy, and +his mother is a widow woman, who loves him with all her might. There is +a famous sneer about the suckling of fools and the chronicling of small +beer; but remember it was a rascal who uttered it. + + +A WORD ABOUT MISS BIRCH. + + +"The gentlemen, and especially the younger and more tender of these +pupils, will have the advantage of the constant superintendence and +affectionate care of Miss Zoe Birch, sister of the principal: whose +clearest aim will be to supply (as far as may be) the absent maternal +friend."--Prospectus of Rodwell Regis School. + +This is all very well in the Doctor's prospectus, and Miss Zoe Birch--(a +pretty blossom it is, fifty-five years old, during two score of which +she has dosed herself with pills; with a nose as red and a face as sour +as a crab-apple)--this is all mighty well in a prospectus. But I should +like to know who would take Miss Zoe for a mother, or would have her for +one? + +The only persons in the house who are not afraid of her are Miss Rosa +and I--no, I am afraid of her, though I DO know the story about the +French usher in 1830--but all the rest tremble before the woman, from +the Doctor down to poor Francis the knife-boy, whom she bullies into his +miserable blacking-hole. + +The Doctor is a pompous and outwardly severe man--but inwardly weak +and easy; loving a joke and a glass of port-wine. I get on with him, +therefore, much better than Mr. Prince, who scorns him for an ass, +and under whose keen eyes the worthy Doctor writhes like a convicted +impostor; and many a sunshiny afternoon would he have said, "Mr. T., +sir, shall we try another glass of that yellow sealed wine which you +seem to like?" (and which he likes even better than I do,) had not the +old harridan of a Zoe been down upon us, and insisted on turning me +out with her abominable weak coffee. She a mother indeed! A sour-milk +generation she would have nursed. She is always croaking, scolding, +bullying--yowling at the housemaids, snarling at Miss Raby, bowwowing +after the little boys, barking after the big ones. She knows how much +every boy eats to an ounce; and her delight is to ply with fat the +little ones who can't bear it, and with raw meat those who hate +underdone. It was she who caused the Doctor to be eaten out three times; +and nearly created a rebellion in the school because she insisted on his +flogging Goliath Longman. + +The only time that woman is happy is when she comes in of a morning to +the little boys' dormitories with a cup of hot Epsom salts, and a sippet +of bread. Boo!--the very notion makes me quiver. She stands over them. +I saw her do it to young Byles only a few days since; and her presence +makes the abomination doubly abominable. + +As for attending them in real illness, do you suppose that she would +watch a single night for any one of them? Not she. When poor little +Charley Davison (that child a lock of whose soft hair I have said how +Miss Raby still keeps) lay ill of scarlet fever in the holidays--for the +Colonel, the father of these boys, was in India--it was Anne Raby who +tended the child, who watched him all through the fever, who never left +him while it lasted, or until she had closed the little eyes that were +never to brighten or moisten more. Anny watched and deplored him; but it +was Miss Birch who wrote the letter announcing his demise, and got the +gold chain and locket which the Colonel ordered as a memento of his +gratitude. It was through a row with Miss Birch that Frank Davison ran +away. I promise you that after he joined his regiment in India, the +Ahmednuggur Irregulars, which his gallant father commands, there came +over no more annual shawls and presents to Dr. and Miss Birch; and that +if she fancied the Colonel was coming home to marry her (on account of +her tenderness to his motherless children, which he was always writing +about), THAT notion was very soon given up. But these affairs are +of early date, seven years back, and I only heard of them in a very +confused manner from Miss Raby, who was a girl, and had just come to +Rodwell Regis. She is always very much moved when she speaks about those +boys; which is but seldom. I take it the death of the little one still +grieves her tender heart. + +Yes, it is Miss Birch, who has turned away seventeen ushers and +second-masters in eleven years, and half as many French masters, I +suppose, since the departure of her FAVORITE, M. Grinche, with her gold +watch, &c.; but this is only surmise--that is, from hearsay, and from +Miss Rosa taunting her aunt, as she does sometimes, in her graceful way: +but besides this, I have another way of keeping her in order. + +Whenever she is particularly odious or insolent to Miss Raby, I have but +to introduce raspberry jam into the conversation, and the woman holds +her tongue. She will understand me. I need not say more. + +NOTE, 12th December. I MAY speak now. I have left the place and +don't mind. I say then at once, and without caring twopence for the +consequences, that I saw this woman, this MOTHER of the boys, EATING JAM +WITH A SPOON OUT OF MASTER WIGGINS'S TRUNK IN THE BOX-ROOM: and of this +I am ready to take an affidavit any day. + + +A TRAGEDY. + +THE DRAMA OUGHT TO BE REPRESENTED IN ABOUT SIX ACTS. + + +[The school is hushed. LAWRENCE the Prefect, and Custos of the rods, is +marching after the DOCTOR into the operating-room. MASTER BACKHOUSE is +about to follow.] + + +Master Backhouse.--It's all very well, but you see if I don't pay you +out after school--you sneak you! + +Master Lurcher.--If you do I'll tell again. [Exit BACKHOUSE. + +[The rod is heard from the adjoining apartment. +Hwish--hwish--hwish--hwish--hwish--hwish--hwish! [Re-enter BACKHOUSE. + + +BRIGGS IN LUCK. + + +Enter the Knife-boy.--Hamper for Briggses! Master Brown.--Hurray, Tom +Briggs! I'll lend you my knife. + + +If this story does not carry its own moral, what fable does, I wonder? +Before the arrival of that hamper, Master Briggs was in no better repute +than any other young gentleman of the lower school; and in fact I had +occasion myself, only lately, to correct Master Brown for kicking his +friend's shins during the writing-lesson. But how this basket, directed +by his mother's housekeeper and marked "Glass with care," (whence I +conclude that it contains some jam and some bottles of wine, probably, +as well as the usual cake and game-pie, and half a sovereign for the +elder Master B., and five new shillings for Master Decimus Briggs)--how, +I say, the arrival of this basket alters all Master Briggs's +circumstances in life, and the estimation in which many persons regard +him! + +If he is a good-hearted boy, as I have reason to think, the very first +thing he will do, before inspecting the contents of the hamper, or +cutting into them with the knife which Master Brown has so considerately +lent him, will be to read over the letter from home which lies on the +top of the parcel. He does so, as I remark to Miss Raby (for whom I +happened to be mending pens when the little circumstance arose), with a +flushed face and winking eyes. Look how the other boys are peering into +the basket as he reads.--I say to her, "Isn't it a pretty picture?" Part +of the letter is in a very large hand. This is from his little sister. +And I would wager that she netted the little purse which he has just +taken out of it, and which Master Lynx is eying. + +"You are a droll man, and remark all sorts of queer things," Miss Raby +says, smiling, and plying her swift needle and fingers as quick as +possible. + +"I am glad we are both on the spot, and that the little fellow lies +under our guns as it were, and so is protected from some such brutal +school-pirate as young Duval for instance, who would rob him, probably, +of some of those good things; good in themselves, and better because +fresh from home. See, there is a pie as I said, and which I dare say is +better than those which are served at our table (but you never take any +notice of such kind of things, Miss Raby), a cake of course, a bottle +of currant-wine, jam-pots, and no end of pears in the straw. With their +money little Briggs will be able to pay the tick which that imprudent +child has run up with Mrs. Ruggles; and I shall let Briggs Major pay for +the pencil-case which Bullock sold to him.--It will be a lesson to the +young prodigal for the future. But, I say, what a change there will be +in his life for some time to come, and at least until his present wealth +is spent! The boys who bully him will mollify towards him, and accept +his pie and sweetmeats. They will have feasts in the bedroom; and that +wine will taste more delicious to them than the best out of the Doctor's +cellar. The cronies will be invited. Young Master Wagg will tell his +most dreadful story and sing his best song for a slice of that pie. What +a jolly night they will have! When we go the rounds at night, Mr. Prince +and I will take care to make a noise before we come to Briggs's room, +so that the boys may have time to put the light out, to push the things +away, and to scud into bed. Doctor Spry may be put in requisition the +next morning." + +"Nonsense! you absurd creature," cries out Miss Raby, laughing; and I +lay down the twelfth pen very nicely mended. + +"Yes; after luxury comes the doctor, I say; after extravagance a hole +in the breeches pocket. To judge from his disposition, Briggs Major will +not be much better off a couple of days hence than he is now; and, if +I am not mistaken, will end life a poor man. Brown will be kicking his +shins before a week is over, depend upon it. There are boys and men of +all sorts, Miss R.--There are selfish sneaks who hoard until the store +they daren't use grows mouldy--there are spendthrifts who fling away, +parasites who flatter and lick its shoes, and snarling curs who hate and +envy, good fortune." + +I put down the last of the pens, brushing away with it the quill-chips +from her desk first, and she looked at me with a kind, wondering face. I +brushed them away, clicked the penknife into my pocket, made her a bow, +and walked off--for the bell was ringing for school. + + +A YOUNG FELLOW WHO IS PRETTY SURE TO SUCCEED. + + +If Master Briggs is destined in all probability to be a poor man, the +chances are that Mr. Bullock will have a very different lot, he is a son +of a partner of the eminent banking firm of Bullock and Hulker, Lombard +street, and very high in the upper school--quite out of my jurisdiction, +consequently. + +He writes the most beautiful current-hand ever seen; and the way in +which he mastered arithmetic (going away into recondite and wonderful +rules in the Tutor's Assistant, which some masters even dare not +approach,) is described by the Doctor in terms of admiration. He is +Mr. Prince's best algebra pupil; and a very fair classic, too; doing +everything well for which he has a mind. + +He does not busy himself with the sports of his comrades, and holds a +cricket-bat no better than Miss Raby would. He employs the play-hours +in improving his mind, and reading the newspaper; he is a profound +politician, and, it must be owned, on the liberal side. The elder boys +despise him rather; and when champion Major passes, he turns his head, +and looks down. I don't like the expression of Bullock's narrow green +eyes, as they follow the elder Champion, who does not seem to know or +care how much the other hates him. + +No. Mr. Bullock, though perhaps the cleverest and most accomplished boy +in the school, associates with the quite little boys when he is minded +for society. To these he is quite affable, courteous, and winning. +He never fagged or thrashed one of them. He has done the verses and +corrected the exercises of many, and many is the little lad to whom he +has lent a little money. + +It is true he charges at the rate of a penny a week for every sixpence +lent out; but many a fellow to whom tarts are a present necessity is +happy to pay this interest for the loan. These transactions are kept +secret. Mr. Bullock, in rather a whining tone, when he takes Master +Green aside and does the requisite business for him, says, "You know +you'll go and talk about it everywhere. I don't want to lend you the +money, I want to buy something with it. It's only to oblige you; and yet +I am sure you will go and make fun of me." Whereon, of course, Green, +eager for the money, vows solemnly that the transaction shall be +confidential, and only speaks when the payment of the interest becomes +oppressive. + +Thus it is that Mr. Bullock's practices are at all known. At a very +early period, indeed, his commercial genius manifested itself: and +by happy speculations in toffey; by composing a sweet drink made of +stick-liquorice and brown sugar, and selling it at a profit to the +younger children; by purchasing a series of novels, which he let out +at an adequate remuneration; by doing boys' exercises for a penny, +and other processes, he showed the bent of his mind. At the end of the +half-year he always went home richer than when he arrived at school, +with his purse full of money. + +Nobody knows how much he brought: but the accounts are fabulous. Twenty, +thirty, fifty--it is impossible to say how many sovereigns. When joked +about his money, he turns pale and swears he has not a shilling: whereas +he has had a banker's account ever since he was thirteen. + +At the present moment he is employed in negotiating the sale of a knife +with Master Green, and is pointing out to the latter the beauty of the +six blades, and that he need not pay until after the holidays. + +Champion Major has sworn that he will break every bone in his skin the +next time that he cheats a little boy, and is bearing down upon him. +Let us come away. It is frightful to see that big peaceful clever coward +moaning under well-deserved blows and whining for mercy. + + +DUVAL THE PIRATE. + + +JONES MINIMUS passes, laden with tarts. + +Duval.--Hullo! you small boy with the tarts! Come here, sir. Jones +Minimus.--Please, Duval, they ain't mine. Duval.--Oh, you abominable +young story-teller. [He confiscates the goods. + + +I think I like young Duval's mode of levying contributions better than +Bullock's. The former's, at least, has the merit of more candor. Duval +is the pirate of Birch's, and lies in wait for small boys laden with +money or provender. He scents plunder from afar off: and pounces out on +it. Woe betide the little fellow when Duval boards him! + +There was a youth here whose money I used to keep, as he was of +an extravagant and weak taste; and I doled it out to him in weekly +shillings, sufficient for the purchase of the necessary tarts. This boy +came to me one day for half a sovereign, for a very particular purpose, +he said. I afterwards found he wanted to lend the money to Duval. + +The young ogre burst out laughing, when in a great wrath and fury I +ordered him to refund to the little boy: and proposed a bill of exchange +at three months. It is true Duval's father does not pay the Doctor, and +the lad never has a shilling, save that which he levies; and though he +is always bragging about the splendor of Freenystown, Co. Cork, and +the fox-hounds his father keeps, and the claret they drink there--there +comes no remittance from Castle Freeny in these bad times to the honest +Doctor; who is a kindly man enough, and never yet turned an insolvent +boy out of doors. + + +THE DORMITORIES. + + +MASTER HEWLETT AND MASTER NIGHTINGALE + +(Rather a cold winter night.) + +Hewlett (flinging a shoe at Master Nightingale's bed, with which he hits +that young gentleman).--Hullo, you! Get up and bring me that shoe! + +Nightingale.--Yes, Hewlett. (He gets up.) + +Hewlett.--Don't drop it, and be very careful of it, sir. + +Nightingale.--Yes, Hewlett. + +Hewlett.--Silence in the dormitory! Any boy who opens his mouth, I'll +murder him. Now, sir, are not you the boy what can sing? + +Nightingale.--Yes, Hewlett. + +Hewlett.--Chant, then, till I go to sleep, and if I wake when you stop, +you'll have this at your head. + +[Master HEWLETT lays his Bluchers on the bed, ready to shy at Master +Nightingale's head in the case contemplated.] + +Nightingale (timidly).--Please, Hewlett? + +Hewlett.--Well, sir? + +Nightingale.--May I put on my trousers, please? + +Hewlett.--No, sir. Go on, or I'll-- + +Nightingale.-- + + "Through pleasures and palaces + + Though we may roam, + + Be it ever so humble + + There's no place like home." + + +A CAPTURE AND A RESCUE. + + +My young friend, Patrick Champion, George's younger brother, is a late +arrival among us; has much of the family quality and good nature; is not +in the least a tyrant to the small boys, but is as eager as Amadis to +fight. He is boxing his way up the school, emulating his great brother. +He fixes his eye on a boy above him in strength or size, and you hear +somehow that a difference has arisen between them at football, and they +have their coats off presently. He has thrashed himself over the heads +of many youths in this manner: for instance, if Champion can lick +Dobson, who can thrash Hobson, how much more, then, can he thrash +Hobson? Thus he works up and establishes his position in the school. Nor +does Mr. Prince think it advisable that we ushers should walk much in +the way when these little differences are being settled, unless there is +some gross disparity, or danger is apprehended. + +For instance, I own to having seen this row as I was shaving at my +bedroom window. I did not hasten down to prevent its consequences. Fogle +had confiscated a top, the property of Snivins; the which, as the little +wretch was always pegging it at my toes, I did not regret. Snivins +whimpered; and young Champion came up, lusting for battle. Directly he +made out Fogle, he steered for him, pulling up his coat-sleeves, and +clearing for action. + +"Who spoke to YOU, young Champion?" Fogle said, and he flung down the +top to Master Snivins. I knew there would be no fight; and perhaps +Champion, too, was disappointed. + + +THE GARDEN, + +WHERE THE PARLOR-BOARDERS GO. + + +Noblemen have been rather scarce at Birch's--but the heir of a great +Prince has been living with the Doctor for some years.--He is Lord +George Gaunt's eldest son, the noble Plantagenet Gaunt Gaunt, and nephew +of the Most Honorable the Marquis of Steyne. + +They are very proud of him at the Doctor's--and the two Misses and Papa, +whenever a stranger comes down whom they want to dazzle, are pretty sure +to bring Lord Steyne into the conversation, mention the last party at +Gaunt House, and cursorily to remark that they have with them a young +friend who will be, in all human probability, Marquis of Steyne and Earl +of Gaunt, &c. + +Plantagenet does not care much about these future honors: provided he +can get some brown sugar on his bread-and-butter, or sit with three +chairs and play at coach-and-horses quite quietly by himself, he is +tolerably happy. He saunters in and out of school when he likes, and +looks at the masters and other boys with a listless grin. He used to be +taken to church, but he laughed and talked in odd places, so they are +forced to leave him at home now. He will sit with a bit of string and +play cat's-cradle for many hours. He likes to go and join the very small +children at their games. Some are frightened at him; but they soon cease +to fear, and order him about. I have seen him go and fetch tarts from +Mrs. Ruggles for a boy of eight years old; and cry bitterly if he did +not get a piece. He cannot speak quite plain, but very nearly; and is +not more, I suppose, than three-and-twenty. + +Of course at home they know his age, though they never come and see him. +But they forget that Miss Rosa Birch is no longer a young chit as +she was ten years ago, when Gaunt was brought to the school. On the +contrary, she has had no small experience in the tender passion, and is +at this moment smitten with a disinterested affection for Plantagenet +Gaunt. + +Next to a little doll with a burnt nose, which he hides away in cunning +places, Mr. Gaunt is very fond of Miss Rosa too. What a pretty match +it would make! and how pleased they would be at Gaunt House, if the +grandson and heir of the great Marquis of Steyne, the descendant of a +hundred Gaunts and Tudors, should marry Miss Birch, the schoolmaster's +daughter! It is true she has the sense on her side, and poor Plantagenet +is only an idiot: but there he is, a zany, with such expectations and +such a pedigree! + +If Miss Rosa would run away with Mr. Gaunt, she would leave off bullying +her cousin, Miss Anny Raby. Shall I put her up to the notion, and offer +to lend her the money to run away? Mr. Gaunt is not allowed money. He +had some once, but Bullock took him into a corner, and got it from him. +He has a moderate tick opened at a tart-woman's. He stops at Rodwell +Regis through the year: school-time and holiday-time, it is all the same +to him. Nobody asks about him, or thinks about him, save twice a year, +when the Doctor goes to Gaunt House, and gets the amount of his bills, +and a glass of wine in the steward's room. + +And yet you see somehow that he is a gentleman. His manner is different +to that of the owners of that coarse table and parlor at which he is +a boarder (I do not speak of Miss R. of course, for HER manners are +as good as those of a duchess). When he caught Miss Rosa boxing +little Fiddes's ears, his face grew red, and he broke into a fierce +inarticulate rage. After that, and for some days, he used to shrink +from her; but they are reconciled now. I saw them this afternoon in the +garden where only the parlor-boarders walk. He was playful, and touched +her with his stick. She raised her handsome eyes in surprise, and smiled +on him very kindly. + +The thing was so clear, that I thought it my duty to speak to old Zoe +about it. The wicked old catamaran told me she wished that some people +would mind their own business, and hold their tongues--that some persons +were paid to teach writing, and not to tell tales and make mischief: +and I have since been thinking whether I ought to communicate with the +Doctor. + + +THE OLD PUPIL. + + +As I came into the playgrounds this morning, I saw a dashing young +fellow, with a tanned face and a blond moustache, who was walking up and +down the green arm-in-arm with Champion Major, and followed by a little +crowd of boys. + +They were talking of old times evidently. "What had become of Irvine and +Smith?"--"Where was Bill Harris and Jones: not Squinny Jones, but Cocky +Jones?"--and so forth. The gentleman was no stranger; he was an old +pupil evidently, come to see if any of his old comrades remained, and +revisit the cari luoghi of his youth. + +Champion was evidently proud of his arm-fellow, he espied his brother, +young Champion, and introduced him. "Come here, sir," he called. "The +young 'un wasn't here in your time, Davison." "Pat, sir," said he, "this +is Captain Davison, one of Birch's boys. Ask him who was among the first +in the lines at Sobraon?" + +Pat's face kindled up as he looked Davison full in the face, and held +out his hand. Old Champion and Davison both blushed. The infantry set up +a "Hurray, hurray, hurray," Champion leading, and waving his wide-awake. +I protest that the scene did one good to witness. Here was the hero and +cock of the school come back to see his old haunts and cronies. He had +always remembered them. Since he had seen them last, he had faced death +and achieved honor. But for my dignity I would have shied up my hat too. + +With a resolute step, and his arm still linked in Champion's, Captain +Davison now advanced, followed by a wake of little boys, to that corner +of the green where Mrs. Ruggles has her tart stand. + +"Hullo, Mother Ruggles! don't you remember me?" he said, and shook her +by the hand. + +"Lor, if it ain't Davison Major!" she said. "Well, Davison Major, you +owe me fourpence for two sausage-rolls from when you went away." + +Davison laughed, and all the little crew of boys set up a similar +chorus. + +"I buy the whole shop," he said. "Now, young 'uns--eat away!" + +Then there was such a "Hurray! hurray!" as surpassed the former cheer in +loudness. Everybody engaged in it except Piggy Duff, who made an instant +dash at the three-cornered puffs, but was stopped by Champion, who +said there should be a fair distribution. And so there was, and no +one lacked, neither of raspberry, open tarts, nor of mellifluous +bulls'-eyes, nor of polonies, beautiful to the sight and taste. + +The hurraying brought out the old Doctor himself, who put his hand up to +his spectacles and started when he saw the old pupil. Each blushed when +he recognized the other; for seven years ago they had parted not good +friends. + +"What--Davison?" the Doctor said, with a tremulous voice. "God bless +you, my dear fellow!"--and they shook hands. "A half holiday, of course, +boys," he added, and there was another hurray: there was to be no end to +the cheering that day. + +"How's--how's the family, sir?" Captain Davison asked. + +"Come in and see. Rosa's grown quite a lady. Dine with us, of course. +Champion Major, come to dinner at five. Mr. Titmarsh, the pleasure of +your company?" The Doctor swung open the garden gate: the old master and +pupil entered the house reconciled. + +I thought I would first peep into Miss Raby's room, and tell her of +this event. She was working away at her linen there, as usual quiet and +cheerful. + +"You should put up," I said with a smile; "the Doctor has given us a +half-holiday." + +"I never have holidays," Miss Raby replied. + +Then I told her of the scene I had just witnessed, of the arrival of the +old pupil, the purchase of the tarts, the proclamation of the holiday, +and the shouts of the boys of "Hurray, Davison!" + +"WHO is it?" cried out Miss Raby, starting and turning as white as a +sheet. + +I told her it was Captain Davison from India; and described the +appearance and behavior of the Captain. When I had finished speaking, +she asked me to go and get her a glass of water; she felt unwell. But +she was gone when I came back with the water. + + +I know all now. After sitting for a quarter of an hour with the Doctor, +who attributed his guest's uneasiness no doubt to his desire to see Miss +Rosa Birch, Davison started up and said he wanted to see Miss Raby. "You +remember, sir, how kind she was to my little brother, sir?" he said. +Whereupon the Doctor, with a look of surprise, that anybody should want +to see Miss Raby, said she was in the little school-room; whither the +Captain went, knowing the way from old times. + +A few minutes afterwards, Miss B. and Miss Z. returned from a drive +with Plantagenet Gaunt in their one-horse fly, and being informed of +Davison's arrival, and that he was closeted with Miss Raby in the little +school-room, of course made for that apartment at once. I was coming +into it from the other door. I wanted to know whether she had drunk the +water. + +This is what both parties saw. The two were in this very attitude. +"Well, upon my word!" cries out Miss Zoe; but Davison did not let go his +hold; and Miss Raby's head only sank down on his hand. + +"You must get another governess, sir, for the little boys," Frank +Davison said to the Doctor. "Anny Raby has promised to come with me." + +You may suppose I shut to the door on my side. And when I returned to +the little school-room, it was black and empty. Everybody was gone. I +could hear the boys shouting at play in the green outside. The glass +of water was on the table where I had placed it. I took it and drank +it myself, to the health of Anny Raby and her husband. It was rather a +choker. + +But of course I wasn't going to stop on at Birch's. When his young +friends reassemble on the 1st of February next, they will have two new +masters. Prince resigned too, and is at present living with me at my +old lodgings at Mrs. Cammysole's. If any nobleman or gentleman wants a +private tutor for his son, a note to the Rev. F. Prince will find him +there. + +Miss Clapperclaw says we are both a couple of old fools; and that she +knew when I set off last year to Rodwell Regis, after meeting the two +young ladies at a party at General Champion's house in our street, that +I was going on a goose's errand. I shall dine there on Christmas-day; +and so I wish a merry Christmas to all young and old boys. + + EPILOGUE. + + + The play is done; the curtain drops, + Slow falling, to the prompter's bell: + A moment yet the actor stops, + And looks around, to say farewell. + It is an irksome word and task; + And when he's laughed and said his say, + He shows, as he removes the mask, + A face that's anything but gay. + + One word, ere yet the evening ends, + Let's close it with a parting rhyme, + And pledge a hand to all young friends, + As fits the merry Christmas time. + On life's wide scene you, too, have parts, + That Fate ere long shall bid you play; + Good night! with honest gentle hearts + A kindly greeting go alway! + + Good night! I'd say the griefs, the joys, + Just hinted in this mimic page, + The triumphs and defeats of boys, + Are but repeated in our age. + I'd say, your woes were not less keen, + Your hopes more vain, than those of men, + Your pangs or pleasures of fifteen, + At forty-five played o'er again. + + I'd say, we suffer and we strive + Not less nor more as men than boys; + With grizzled beards at forty-five, + As erst at twelve, in corduroys. + And if, in time of sacred youth, + We learned at home to love and pray, + Pray heaven, that early love and truth + May never wholly pass away. + + And in the world, as in the school, + I'd say, how fate may change and shift; + The prize be sometimes with the fool, + The race not always to the swift. + The strong may yield, the good may fall, + The great man be a vulgar clown, + The knave be lifted over all, + The kind cast pitilessly down. + + Who knows the inscrutable design? + Blessed be He who took and gave: + Why should your mother, Charles, not mine, + Be weeping at her darling's grave?* + We bow to heaven that will'd it so, + That darkly rules the fate of all, + That sends the respite or the blow, + That's free to give or to recall. + + This crowns his feast with wine and wit: + Who brought him to that mirth and state? + His betters, see, below him sit, + Or hunger hopeless at the gate. + Who bade the mud from Dives' Wheel + To spurn the rags of Lazarus? + Come, brother, in that dust we'll kneel, + Confessing heaven that ruled it thus. + + So each shall mourn in life's advance, + Dear hopes, dear friends, untimely killed; + Shall grieve for many a forfeit chance, + A longing passion unfulfilled. + Amen: whatever Fate be sent,--Pray God the heart may kindly glow, + Although the head with cares be bent, + And whitened with the winter snow. + + Come wealth or want, come good or ill, + Let young and old accept their part, + And bow before the Awful Will, + And bear it with an honest heart. + Who misses, or who wins the prize? + Go, lose or conquer as you can. + But if you fail, or if you rise, + Be each, pray God, a gentleman, + + A gentleman, or old or young: + (Bear kindly with my humble lays,) + The sacred chorus first was sung + Upon the first of Christmas days. + The shepherds heard it overhead--The joyful angels raised it then: + Glory to heaven on high, it said, + And peace on earth to gentle men. + + My song, save this, is little worth; + I lay the weary pen aside, + And wish you health, and love, and mirth, + As fits the solemn Christmas tide. + As fits the holy Christmas birth, + Be this, good friends, our carol still--Be peace on earth, be + peace on earth, + To men of gentle will. + + + * C. B., ob. Dec. 1843, aet. 42. + + + + +THE KICKLEBURYS ON THE RHINE. + +BY MR. M. A. TITMARSH + + +PREFACE TO THE SECOND EDITION: + +BEING AN ESSAY ON THUNDER AND SMALL BEER. + + +Any reader who may have a fancy to purchase a copy of this present +edition of the "History of the Kickleburys Abroad," had best be warned +in time, that the Times newspaper does not approve of the work, and has +but a bad opinion both of the author and his readers. Nothing can be +fairer than this statement: if you happen to take up the poor little +volume at a railroad station, and read this sentence, lay the book down, +and buy something else. You are warned. What more can the author say? If +after this you WILL buy,--amen! pay your money, take your book, and +fall to. Between ourselves, honest reader, it is no very strong potation +which the present purveyor offers to you. It will not trouble your head +much in the drinking. It was intended for that sort of negus which +is offered at Christmas parties and of which ladies and children may +partake with refreshment and cheerfulness. Last year I tried a brew +which was old, bitter, and strong; and scarce any one would drink it. +This year we send round a milder tap, and it is liked by customers: +though the critics (who like strong ale, the rogues!) turn up their +noses. In heaven's name, Mr. Smith, serve round the liquor to the +gentle-folks. Pray, dear madam, another glass; it is Christmas time, +it will do you no harm. It is not intended to keep long, this sort of +drink. (Come, froth up, Mr. Publisher, and pass quickly round!) And as +for the professional gentlemen, we must get a stronger sort for THEM +some day. + +The Times' gentleman (a very difficult gent to please) is the +loudest and noisiest of all, and has made more hideous faces over +the refreshment offered to him than any other critic. There is no use +shirking this statement! when a man has been abused in the Times, he +can't hide it, any more than he could hide the knowledge of his having +been committed to prison by Mr. Henry, or publicly caned in Pall Mall. +You see it in your friends' eyes when they meet you. They know it. They +have chuckled over it to a man. They whisper about it at the club, and +look over the paper at you. My next-door neighbor came to see me this +morning, and I saw by his face that he had the whole story pat. "Hem!" +says he, "well, I HAVE heard of it; and the fact is, they were +talking about you at dinner last night, and mentioning that the Times +had--ahem!--'walked into you.'" + +"My good M----" I say--and M---- will corroborate, if need be, the +statement I make here--"here is the Times' article, dated January +4th, which states so and so, and here is a letter from the publisher, +likewise dated January 4th, and which says:-- + + +"MY DEAR Sir,--Having this day sold the last copy of the first edition +(of x thousand) of the 'Kickleburys Abroad,' and having orders for more, +had we not better proceed to a second edition? and will you permit me to +enclose an order on," &c. &c.? + + +Singular coincidence! And if every author who was so abused by a critic +had a similar note from a publisher, good Lord! how easily would we take +the critic's censure! + +"Yes, yes," you say; "it is all very well for a writer to affect to be +indifferent to a critique from the Times. You bear it as a boy bears a +flogging at school, without crying out; but don't swagger and brag as if +you liked it." + +Let us have truth before all. I would rather have a good word than a bad +one from any person: but if a critic abuses me from a high place, and +it is worth my while, I will appeal. If I can show that the judge who +is delivering sentence against me, and laying down the law and making +a pretence of learning, has no learning and no law, and is neither +more nor less than a pompous noodle, who ought not to be heard in any +respectable court, I will do so; and then, dear friends, perhaps you +will have something to laugh at in this book.-- + + +"THE KICKLEBURYS ABROAD. + +"It has been customary, of late years, for the purveyors of amusing +literature--the popular authors of the day--to put forth certain +opuscules, denominated 'Christmas Books,' with the ostensible intention +of swelling the tide of exhilaration, or other expansive emotions, +incident upon the exodus of the old and the inauguration of the new +year. We have said that their ostensible intention was such, because +there is another motive for these productions, locked up (as the popular +author deems) in his own breast, but which betrays itself, in the +quality of the work, as his principal incentive. Oh! that any muse +should be set upon a high stool to cast up accounts and balance a +ledger! Yet so it is; and the popular author finds it convenient to +fill up the declared deficit, and place himself in a position the +more effectually to encounter those liabilities which sternly assert +themselves contemporaneously and in contrast with the careless and +free-handed tendencies of the season by the emission of Christmas +books--a kind of literary assignats, representing to the emitter +expunged debts, to the receiver an investment of enigmatical value. For +the most part bearing the stamp of their origin in the vacuity of +the writer's exchequer rather than in the fulness of his genius, they +suggest by their feeble flavor the rinsings of a void brain after the +more important concoctions of the expired year. Indeed, we should as +little think of taking these compositions as examples of the merits of +their authors as we should think of measuring the valuable services of +Mr. Walker, the postman, or Mr. Bell, the dust-collector, by the copy of +verses they leave at our doors as a provocative of the expected annual +gratuity--effusions with which they may fairly be classed for their +intrinsic worth no less than their ultimate purport. + +"In the Christmas book presently under notice, the author appears (under +the thin disguise of Mr. Michael Angelo Titmarsh) in 'propria persona' +as the popular author, the contributor to Punch, the remorseless pursuer +of unconscious vulgarity and feeble-mindedness, launched upon a tour +of relaxation to the Rhine. But though exercising, as is the wont of +popular authors in their moments of leisure, a plentiful reserve of +those higher qualities to which they are indebted for their fame, his +professional instincts are not altogether in abeyance. From the moment +his eye lights upon a luckless family group embarked on the same steamer +with himself, the sight of his accustomed quarry--vulgarity, imbecility, +and affectation--reanimates his relaxed sinews, and, playfully fastening +his satiric fangs upon the familiar prey, he dallies with it in mimic +ferocity like a satiated mouser. + +"Though faintly and carelessly indicated, the characters are those +with which the author loves to surround himself. A tuft-hunting county +baronet's widow, an inane captain of dragoons, a graceless young +baronet, a lady with groundless pretensions to feeble health and poesy, +an obsequious nonentity her husband, and a flimsy and artificial young +lady, are the personages in whom we are expected to find amusement. +Two individuals alone form an exception to the above category, and are +offered to the respectful admiration of the reader,--the one, a shadowy +serjeant-at-law, Mr. Titmarsh's travelling companion, who escapes with +a few side puffs of flattery, which the author struggles not to render +ironical, and a mysterious countess, spoken of in a tone of religious +reverence, and apparently introduced that we may learn by what delicate +discriminations our adoration of rank should be regulated. + +"To those who love to hug themselves in a sense of superiority by +admeasurement with the most worthless of their species, in their most +worthless aspects, the Kickleburys on the Rhine will afford an agreeable +treat, especially as the purveyor of the feast offers his own moments of +human weakness as a modest entree in this banquet of erring mortality. +To our own, perhaps unphilosophical, taste the aspirations towards +sentimental perfection of another popular author are infinitely +preferable to these sardonic divings after the pearl of truth, whose +lustre is eclipsed in the display of the diseased oyster. Much, in the +present instance, perhaps all, the disagreeable effect of his subject is +no doubt attributable to the absence of Mr. Thackeray's usual brilliancy +of style. A few flashes, however, occur, such as the description of M. +Lenoir's gaming establishment, with the momentous crisis to which it was +subjected, and the quaint and imaginative sallies evoked by the +whole town of Rougetnoirbourg and its lawful prince. These, with the +illustrations, which are spirited enough, redeem the book from an +absolute ban. Mr. Thackeray's pencil is more congenial than his pen. He +cannot draw his men and women with their skins off, and, therefore, the +effigies of his characters are pleasanter to contemplate than the flayed +anatomies of the letter-press." + + +There is the whole article. And the reader will see (in the paragraph +preceding that memorable one which winds up with the diseased oyster) +that he must be a worthless creature for daring to like the book, as he +could only do so from a desire to hug himself in a sense of superiority +by admeasurement with the most worthless of his fellow-creatures! + +The reader is worthless for liking a book of which all the characters +are worthless, except two, which are offered to his respectful +admiration; and of these two the author does not respect one, but +struggles not to laugh in his face; whilst he apparently speaks +of another in a tone of religious reverence, because the lady is a +countess, and because he (the author) is a sneak. So reader, author, +characters, are rogues all. Be there any honest men left, Hal? About +Printing-house Square, mayhap you may light on an honest man, a +squeamish man, a proper moral man, a man that shall talk you Latin by +the half-column if you will but hear him. + +And what a style it is, that great man's! What hoighth of foine language +entoirely! How he can discoorse you in English for all the world as +if it was Latin! For instance, suppose you and I had to announce the +important news that some writers published what are called Christmas +books; that Christmas books are so called because they are published +at Christmas: and that the purpose of the authors is to try and amuse +people. Suppose, I say, we had, by the sheer force of intellect, or +by other means of observation or information, discovered these great +truths, we should have announced them in so many words. And there it is +that the difference lies between a great writer and a poor one; and we +may see how an inferior man may fling a chance away. How does my friend +of the Times put these propositions? "It has been customary," says he, +"of late years for the purveyors of amusing literature to put forth +certain opuscules, denominated Christmas books, with the ostensible +intention of swelling the tide of exhilaration, or other expansive +emotions, incident upon the exodus of the old or the inauguration of the +new year." That is something like a sentence; not a word scarcely but's +in Latin, and the longest and handsomest out of the whole dictionary. +That is proper economy--as you see a buck from Holywell Street put +every pinchbeck pin, ring, and chain which he possesses about his shirt, +hands, and waistcoat, and then go and cut a dash in the Park, or swagger +with his order to the theatre. It costs him no more to wear all his +ornaments about his distinguished person than to leave them at home. If +you can be a swell at a cheap rate, why not? And I protest, for my +part, I had no idea what I was really about in writing and submitting +my little book for sale, until my friend the critic, looking at the +article, and examining it with the eyes of a connoisseur, pronounced +that what I had fancied simply to be a book was in fact "an opuscule +denominated so-and-so, and ostensibly intended to swell the tide of +expansive emotion incident upon the inauguration of the new year." I can +hardly believe as much even now--so little do we know what we really are +after, until men of genius come and interpret. + +And besides the ostensible intention, the reader will perceive that my +judge has discovered another latent motive, which I had "locked up in my +own breast." The sly rogue! (if we may so speak of the court.) There is +no keeping anything from him; and this truth, like the rest, has come +out, and is all over England by this time. Oh, that all England, which +has bought the judge's charge, would purchase the prisoner's plea in +mitigation! "Oh, that any muse should be set on a high stool," says the +bench, "to cast up accounts and balance a ledger! Yet so it is; and the +popular author finds it convenient to fill up the declared deficit by +the emission of Christmas books--a kind of assignats that bear the stamp +of their origin in the vacuity of the writer's exchequer." There is +a trope for you! You rascal, you wrote because you wanted money! His +lordship has found out what you were at, and that there is a deficit in +your till. But he goes on to say that we poor devils are to be pitied +in our necessity; and that these compositions are no more to be taken as +examples of our merits than the verses which the dustman leaves at his +lordship's door, "as a provocative of the expected annual gratuity," +are to be considered as measuring his, the scavenger's, valuable +services--nevertheless the author's and the scavenger's "effusions +may fairly be classed, for their intrinsic worth, no less than their +ultimate purport." + +Heaven bless his lordship on the bench--What a gentle manlike badinage +he has, and what a charming and playful wit always at hand! What a sense +he has for a simile, or what Mrs. Malaprop calls an odorous comparison, +and how gracefully he conducts it to "its ultimate purport." A gentleman +writing a poor little book is a scavenger asking for a Christmas-box! + + +As I try this small beer which has called down such a deal of thunder, I +can't help thinking that it is not Jove who has interfered (the case was +scarce worthy of his divine vindictiveness); but the Thunderer's man, +Jupiter Jeames, taking his master's place, adopting his manner, and +trying to dazzle and roar like his awful employer. That figure of the +dustman has hardly been flung from heaven: that "ultimate purport" is a +subject which the Immortal would hardly handle. Well, well; let us allow +that the book is not worthy of such a polite critic--that the beer is +not strong enough for a gentleman who has taste and experience in beer. + +That opinion no man can ask his honor to alter; but (the beer being the +question), why make unpleasant allusions to the Gazette, and hint at the +probable bankruptcy of the brewer? Why twit me with my poverty; and what +can the Times' critic know about the vacuity of my exchequer? Did he +ever lend me any money? Does he not himself write for money? (and who +would grudge it to such a polite and generous and learned author?) If he +finds no disgrace in being paid, why should I? If he has ever been poor, +why should he joke at my empty exchequer? Of course such a genius is +paid for his work: with such neat logic, such a pure style, such a +charming poetical turn of phrase, of course a critic gets money. Why, a +man who can say of a Christmas book that "it is an opuscule denominated +so-and-so, and ostensibly intended to swell the tide of expansive +emotion incident upon the exodus of the old year," must evidently have +had immense sums and care expended on his early education, and deserves +a splendid return. You can't go into the market, and get scholarship +like THAT, without paying for it: even the flogging that such a writer +must have had in early youth (if he was at a public school where the +rods were paid for), must have cost his parents a good sum. Where would +you find any but an accomplished classical scholar to compare the books +of the present (or indeed any other) writer to "sardonic divings after +the pearl of truth, whose lustre is eclipsed in the display of the +diseased oyster;" mere Billingsgate doesn't turn out oysters like these; +they are of the Lucrine lake:--this satirist has pickled his rods in +Latin brine. Fancy, not merely a diver, but a sardonic diver: and the +expression of his confounded countenance on discovering not only a +pearl, but an eclipsed pearl, which was in a diseased oyster! I say +it is only by an uncommon and happy combination of taste, genius, and +industry, that a man can arrive at uttering such sentiments in such fine +language,--that such a man ought to be well paid, as I have no doubt +he is, and that he is worthily employed to write literary articles, +in large type, in the leading journal of Europe. Don't we want men of +eminence and polite learning to sit on the literary bench, and to direct +the public opinion? + +But when this profound scholar compares me to a scavenger who leaves a +copy of verses at his door and begs for a Christmas-box, I must again +cry out and say, "My dear sir, it is true your simile is offensive, but +can you make it out? Are you not hasty in your figures and illusions?" +If I might give a hint to so consummate a rhetorician, you should be +more careful in making your figures figures, and your similes like: for +instance, when you talk of a book "swelling the tide of exhilaration +incident to the inauguration of the new year," or of a book "bearing the +stamp of its origin in vacuity," &c.,--or of a man diving sardonically; +or of a pearl eclipsed in the display of a diseased oyster--there are +some people who will not apprehend your meaning: some will doubt whether +you had a meaning: some even will question your great powers, and say, +"Is this man to be a critic in a newspaper, which knows what English, +and Latin too, and what sense and scholarship, are?" I don't quarrel +with you--I take for granted your wit and learning, your modesty +and benevolence--but why scavenger--Jupiter Jeames--why scavenger? A +gentleman, whose biography the Examiner was fond of quoting before it +took its present serious and orthodox turn, was pursued by an outraged +wife to the very last stage of his existence with an appeal almost as +pathetic--Ah, sir, why scavenger? + +How can I be like a dustman that rings for a Christmas-box at your +hall-door? I never was there in my life. I never left at your door a +copy of verses provocative of an annual gratuity, as your noble honor +styles it. Who are you? If you are the man I take you to be, it must +have been you who asked the publisher for my book, and not I who sent +it in, and begged a gratuity of your worship. You abused me out of the +Times' window; but if ever your noble honor sent me a gratuity out of +your own door, may I never drive another dust-cart. "Provocative of a +gratuity!" O splendid swell! How much was it your worship sent out to +me by the footman? Every farthing you have paid I will restore to your +lordship, and I swear I shall not be a halfpenny the poorer. + +As before, and on similar seasons and occasions, I have compared myself +to a person following a not dissimilar calling: let me suppose now, for +a minute, that I am a writer of a Christmas farce, who sits in the +pit, and sees the performance of his own piece. There comes applause, +hissing, yawning, laughter, as may be: but the loudest critic of all +is our friend the cheap buck, who sits yonder and makes his remarks, so +that all the audience may hear. "THIS a farce!" says Beau Tibbs: "demmy! +it's the work of a poor devil who writes for money,--confound his +vulgarity! This a farce! Why isn't it a tragedy, or a comedy, or an epic +poem, stap my vitals? This a farce indeed! It's a feller as sends round +his 'at, and appeals to charity. Let's 'ave our money back again, +I say." And he swaggers off;--and you find the fellow came with an +author's order. + +But if, in spite of Tibbs, our "kyind friends," &c. &c. &c.--if the +little farce, which was meant to amuse Christmas (or what my classical +friend calls Exodus), is asked for, even up to Twelfth Night,--shall the +publisher stop because Tibbs is dissatisfied? Whenever that capitalist +calls to get his money back, he may see the letter from the respected +publisher, informing the author that all the copies are sold, and that +there are demands for a new edition. Up with the curtain, then! Vivat +Regina! and no money returned, except the Times "gratuity!" + +M. A. TITMARSH. + +January 5, 1851. + + + +THE KICKLEBURYS ON THE RHINE. + + +The cabman, when he brought us to the wharf, and made his usual charge +of six times his legal fare, before the settlement of which he pretended +to refuse the privilege of an exeat regno to our luggage, glared like a +disappointed fiend when Lankin, calling up the faithful Hutchison, his +clerk, who was in attendance, said to him, "Hutchison, you will pay this +man. My name is Serjeant Lankin, my chambers are in Pump Court. My clerk +will settle with you, sir." The cabman trembled; we stepped on board; +our lightsome luggage was speedily whisked away by the crew; our berths +had been secured by the previous agency of Hutchison; and a couple of +tickets, on which were written, "Mr. Serjeant Lankin," "Mr. Titmarsh," +(Lankin's, by the way, incomparably the best and comfortablest sleeping +place,) were pinned on to two of the curtains of the beds in a side +cabin when we descended. + +Who was on board? There were Jews, with Sunday papers and fruit; there +were couriers and servants straggling about; there were those bearded +foreign visitors of England, who always seem to decline to shave or +wash themselves on the day of a voyage, and, on the eve of quitting our +country, appear inclined to carry away as much as possible of its soil +on their hands and linen: there were parties already cozily established +on deck under the awning; and steady-going travellers for'ard, smoking +already the pleasant morning cigar, and watching the phenomena of +departure. + +The bell rings: they leave off bawling, "Anybody else for the shore?" +The last grape and Bell's Life merchant has scuffled over the plank: the +Johns of the departing nobility and gentry line the brink of the quay, +and touch their hats: Hutchison touches his hat to me--to ME, heaven +bless him! I turn round inexpressibly affected and delighted, and whom +do I see but Captain Hicks! + +"Hallo! YOU here?" says Hicks, in a tone which seems to mean, "Confound +you, you are everywhere." + +Hicks is one of those young men who seem to be everywhere a great deal +too often. + +How are they always getting leave from their regiments? If they are +not wanted in this country, (as wanted they cannot be, for you see them +sprawling over the railing in Rotten Row all day, and shaking their +heels at every ball in town,)--if they are not wanted in this country, I +say, why the deuce are they not sent off to India, or to Demerara, or to +Sierra Leone, by Jove?--the farther the better; and I should wish a good +unwholesome climate to try 'em, and make 'em hardy. Here is this Hicks, +then--Captain Launcelot Hicks, if you please--whose life is nothing but +breakfast, smoking, riding-school, billiards, mess, polking, billiards, +and smoking again, and da capo--pulling down his moustaches, and going +to take a tour after the immense labors of the season. + +"How do you do, Captain Hicks?" I say. "Where are you going?" + +"Oh, I am going to the Whine," says Hicks; "evewybody goes to the +Whine." The WHINE indeed! I dare say he can no more spell properly than +he can speak. + +"Who is on board--anybody?" I ask, with the air of a man of fashion. +"To whom does that immense pile of luggage belong--under charge of the +lady's-maid, the courier, and the British footman? A large white K is +painted on all the boxes." + +"How the deuce should I know?" says Hicks, looking, as I fancy, both red +and angry, and strutting off with his great cavalry lurch and swagger: +whilst my friend the Serjeant looks at him lost in admiration, and +surveys his shining little boots, his chains and breloques, his whiskers +and ambrosial moustaches, his gloves and other dandifications, with a +pleased wonder; as the ladies of the Sultan's harem surveyed the great +Lady from Park Lane who paid them a visit; or the simple subjects of +Montezuma looked at one of Cortes's heavy dragoons. + +"That must be a marquis at least," whispers Lankin, who consults me +on points of society, and is pleased to have a great opinion of my +experience. + +I burst out in a scornful laugh. "THAT!" I say; "he is a captain of +dragoons, and his father an attorney in Bedford Row. The whiskers of a +roturier, my good Lankin, grow as long as the beard of a Plantagenet. It +don't require much noble blood to learn the polka. If you were younger, +Lankin, we might go for a shilling a night, and dance every evening at +M. Laurent's Casino, and skip about in a little time as well as that +fellow. Only we despise the kind of thing you know,--only we're too +grave, and too steady." + +"And too fat," whispers Lankin, with a laugh. + +"Speak for yourself, you maypole," says I. "If you can't dance yourself, +people can dance round you--put a wreath of flowers upon your old poll, +stick you up in a village green, and so make use of you." + +"I should gladly be turned into anything so pleasant," Lankin answers; +"and so, at least, get a chance of seeing a pretty girl now and then. +They don't show in Pump Court, or at the University Club, where I dine. +You are a lucky fellow, Titmarsh, and go about in the world. As for me, +I never--" + +"And the judges' wives, you rogue?" I say. "Well, no man is satisfied; +and the only reason I have to be angry with the captain yonder is, +that, the other night, at Mrs. Perkins's, being in conversation with a +charming young creature--who knows all my favorite passages in Tennyson, +and takes a most delightful little line of opposition in the Church +controversy--just as we were in the very closest, dearest, pleasantest +part of the talk, comes up young Hotspur yonder, and whisks her away in +a polka. What have you and I to do with polkas, Lankin? He took her down +to supper--what have you and I to do with suppers?" + +"Our duty is to leave them alone," said the philosophical Serjeant. +"And now about breakfast--shall we have some?" And as he spoke, a +savory little procession of stewards and stewards' boys, with drab tin +dish-covers, passed from the caboose, and descended the stairs to the +cabin. The vessel had passed Greenwich by this time, and had worked its +way out of the mast-forest which guards the approaches of our city. + + +The owners of those innumerable boxes, bags, oil-skins, guitar-cases, +whereon the letter K was engraven, appeared to be three ladies, with a +slim gentleman of two or three and thirty, who was probably the husband +of one of them. He had numberless shawls under his arm and guardianship. +He had a strap full of Murray's Handbooks and Continental Guides in +his keeping; and a little collection of parasols and umbrellas, bound +together, and to be carried in state before the chief of the party, like +the lictor's fasces before the consul. + +The chief of the party was evidently the stout lady. One parasol being +left free, she waved it about, and commanded the luggage and the menials +to and fro. "Horace, we will sit there," she exclaimed, pointing to a +comfortable place on the deck. Horace went and placed the shawls and +the Guidebooks. "Hirsch, avy vou conty les bagages? tront sett morso ong +too?" The German courier said, "Oui, miladi," and bowed a rather sulky +assent. "Bowman, you will see that Finch is comfortable, and send her to +me." The gigantic Bowman, a gentleman in an undress uniform, with very +large and splendid armorial buttons, and with traces of the powder of +the season still lingering in his hair, bows, and speeds upon my lady's +errand. + +I recognize Hirsch, a well-known face upon the European high-road, where +he has travelled with many acquaintances. With whom is he making the +tour now?--Mr. Hirsch is acting as courier to Mr. and Mrs. Horace +Milliken. They have not been married many months, and they are +travelling, Hirsch says, with a contraction of his bushy eyebrows, with +miladi, Mrs. Milliken's mamma. "And who is her ladyship?" Hirsch's brow +contracts into deeper furrows. "It is Miladi Gigglebury," he says, "Mr. +Didmarsh. Berhabs you know her." He scowls round at her, as she calls +out loudly, "Hirsch, Hirsch!" and obeys that summons. + + +It is the great Lady Kicklebury of Pocklington Square, about whom I +remember Mrs. Perkins made so much ado at her last ball; and whom old +Perkins conducted to supper. When Sir Thomas Kicklebury died (he was one +of the first tenants of the Square), who does not remember the scutcheon +with the coronet with two balls, that flamed over No. 36? Her son was at +Eton then, and has subsequently taken an honorary degree at Oxford, and +been an ornament of Platt's and the "Oswestry Club." He fled into St. +James's from the great house in Pocklington Square, and from St. James's +to Italy and the Mediterranean, where he has been for some time in a +wholesome exile. Her eldest daughter's marriage with Lord Roughhead was +talked about last year; but Lord Roughhead, it is known, married Miss +Brent; and Horace Milliken, very much to his surprise, found himself the +affianced husband of Miss Lavinia Kicklebury, after an agitating evening +at Lady Polkimore's, when Miss Lavinia, feeling herself faint, went out +on to the leads (the terrace, Lady Polkimore WILL call it), on the arm +of Mr. Milliken. They were married in January: it's not a bad match for +Miss K. Lady Kicklebury goes and stops for six months of the year at +Pigeoncot with her daughter and son-in-law; and now that they are come +abroad, she comes too. She must be with Lavinia, under the present +circumstances. + +When I am arm-in-arm, I tell this story glibly off to Lankin, who is +astonished at my knowledge of the world, and says, "Why, Titmarsh, you +know everything." + +"I DO know a few things, Lankin my boy," is my answer. "A man don't live +in society, and PRETTY GOOD society, let me tell you, for nothing." + +The fact is, that all the above details are known to almost any man in +our neighborhood. Lady Kicklebury does not meet with US much, and has +greater folks than we can pretend to be at her parties. But we know +about THEM. She'll condescend to come to Perkins's, WITH WHOSE FIRM SHE +BANKS; and she MAY overdraw HER ACCOUNT: but of that, of course, I know +nothing. + +When Lankin and I go down stairs to breakfast, we find, if not the best, +at least the most conspicuous places in occupation of Lady Kicklebury's +party, and the hulking London footman making a darkness in the cabin, as +he stoops through it bearing cups and plates to his employers. + + +[Why do they always put mud into coffee on board steamers? Why does the +tea generally taste of boiled boots? Why is the milk scarce and thin? +And why do they have those bleeding legs of boiled mutton for dinner? +I ask why? In the steamers of other nations you are well fed. Is it +impossible that Britannia, who confessedly rules the waves, should +attend to the victuals a little, and that meat should be well cooked +under a Union Jack? I just put in this question, this most interesting +question, in a momentous parenthesis, and resume the tale.] + + +When Lankin and I descend to the cabin, then, the tables are full of +gobbling people; and, though there DO seem to be a couple of places near +Lady Kicklebury, immediately she sees our eyes directed to the inviting +gap, she slides out, and with her ample robe covers even more than that +large space to which by art and nature she is entitled, and calling out, +"Horace, Horace!" and nodding, and winking, and pointing, she causes her +son-in-law to extend the wing on his side. We are cut of THAT chance +of a breakfast. We shall have the tea at its third water, and those two +damp black mutton-chops, which nobody else will take, will fall to our +cold share. + +At this minute a voice, clear and sweet, from a tall lady in a black +veil, says, "Mr. Titmarsh," and I start and murmur an ejaculation of +respectful surprise, as I recognize no less a person than the Right +Honorable the Countess of Knightsbridge, taking her tea, breaking +up little bits of toast with her slim fingers, and sitting between a +Belgian horse-dealer and a German violoncello-player who has a conge +after the opera--like any other mortal. + +I whisper her ladyship's name to Lankin. The Serjeant looks towards her +with curiosity and awe. Even he, in his Pump Court solitudes, has heard +of that star of fashion--that admired amongst men, and even women--that +Diana severe yet simple, the accomplished Aurelia of Knightsbridge. Her +husband has but a small share of HER qualities. How should he? The +turf and the fox-chase are his delights--the smoking-room at the +"Travellers'"--nay, shall we say it?--the illuminated arcades +of "Vauxhall," and the gambols of the dishevelled Terpsichore. +Knightsbridge has his faults--ah! even the peerage of England is not +exempt from them. With Diana for his wife, he flies the halls where +she sits severe and serene, and is to be found (shrouded in smoke, +'tis true,) in those caves where the contrite chimney-sweep sings his +terrible death chant, or the Bacchanalian judge administers a satiric +law. Lord Knightsbridge has his faults, then; but he has the gout at +Rougetnoirbourg, near the Rhine, and thither his wife is hastening to +minister to him. + +"I have done," says Lady Knightsbridge, with a gentle bow, as she rises; +"you may have this place, Mr. Titmarsh; and I am sorry my breakfast is +over: I should have prolonged it had I thought that YOU were coming to +sit by me. Thank you--my glove." (Such an absurd little glove, by the +way). "We shall meet on the deck when you have done." + +And she moves away with an august curtsy. I can't tell how it is, or +what it is, in that lady; but she says, "How do you do?" as nobody else +knows how to say it. In all her actions, motions, thoughts, I would +wager there is the same calm grace and harmony. She is not very +handsome, being very thin, and rather sad-looking. She is not very +witty, being only up to the conversation, whatever it may be; and yet, +if she were in black serge, I think one could not help seeing that she +was a Princess, and Serene Highness; and if she were a hundred years +old, she could not be but beautiful. I saw her performing her devotions +in Antwerp Cathedral, and forgot to look at anything else there;--so +calm and pure, such a sainted figure hers seemed. + +When this great lady did the present writer the honor to shake his hand +(I had the honor to teach writing and the rudiments of Latin to the +young and intelligent Lord Viscount Pimlico), there seemed to be a +commotion in the Kicklebury party--heads were nodded together, and +turned towards Lady Knightsbridge: in whose honor, when Lady Kicklebury +had sufficiently reconnoitred her with her eye-glass, the baronet's lady +rose and swept a reverential curtsy, backing until she fell up against +the cushions at the stern of the boat. Lady Knightsbridge did not see +this salute, for she did not acknowledge it, but walked away slimly (she +seems to glide in and out of the room), and disappeared up the stair to +the deck. + +Lankin and I took our places, the horse-dealer making room for us; and +I could not help looking, with a little air of triumph, over to the +Kicklebury faction, as much as to say, "You fine folks, with your large +footman and supercilious airs, see what WE can do." + +As I looked--smiling, and nodding, and laughing at me, in a knowing, +pretty way, and then leaning to mamma as if in explanation, what face +should I see but that of the young lady at Mrs. Perkins's, with whom +I had had that pleasant conversation which had been interrupted by the +demand of Captain Hicks for a dance? So, then, that was Miss Kicklebury, +about whom Miss Perkins, my young friend, has so often spoken to me: the +young ladies were in conversation when I had the happiness of joining +them; and Miss P. went away presently, to look to her guests--that is +Miss Fanny Kicklebury. + +A sudden pang shot athwart my bosom--Lankin might have perceived it, but +the honest Serjeant was so awe-stricken by his late interview with the +Countess of Knightsbridge, that his mind was unfit to grapple with +other subjects--a pang of feeling (which I concealed under the grin and +graceful bow wherewith Miss Fanny's salutations were acknowledged) tore +my heart-strings--as I thought of--I need not say--of HICKS. + +He had danced with her, he had supped with her--he was here, on board +the boat. Where was that dragoon? I looked round for him. In quite a +far corner,--but so that he could command the Kicklebury party, I +thought,--he was eating his breakfast, the great healthy oaf, and +consuming one broiled egg after another. + +In the course of the afternoon, all parties, as it may be supposed, +emerged upon deck again, and Miss Fanny and her mamma began walking the +quarter-deck with a quick pace, like a couple of post-captains. When +Miss Fanny saw me, she stopped and smiled, and recognized the gentleman +who had amused her so at Mrs. Perkins's. What a dear sweet creature +Eliza Perkins was! They had been at school together. She was going to +write to Eliza everything that happened on the voyage. + +"EVERYTHING?" I said, in my particularly sarcastic manner. + +"Well, everything that was worth telling. There was a great number +of things that were very stupid, and of people that were very stupid. +Everything that YOU say, Mr. Titmarsh, I am sure I may put down. You +have seen Mr. Titmarsh's funny books, mamma?" + +Mamma said she had heard--she had no doubt they were very amusing. "Was +not that--ahem--Lady Knightsbridge, to whom I saw you speaking, sir?" + +"Yes; she is going to nurse Lord Knightsbridge, who has the gout at +Rougetnoirbourg." + +"Indeed! how very fortunate! what an extraordinary coincidence! We are +going too," said Lady Kicklebury. + +I remarked "that everybody was going to Rougetnoirbourg this year; and I +heard of two gentlemen--Count Carambole and Colonel Cannon--who had been +obliged to sleep there on a billiard-table for want of a bed." + +"My son Kicklebury--are you acquainted with Sir Thomas Kicklebury?" her +ladyship said, with great stateliness--"is at Noirbourg, and will +take lodgings for us. The springs are particularly recommended for my +daughter, Mrs. Milliken and, at great personal sacrifice, I am going +thither myself: but what will not a mother do, Mr. Titmarsh? Did I +understand you to say that you have the--the entree at Knightsbridge +House? The parties are not what they used to be, I am told. Not that +I have any knowledge. I am but a poor country baronet's widow, Mr. +Titmarsh; though the Kickleburys date from Henry III., and MY family is +not of the most modern in the country. You have heard of General Guff, +my father, perhaps? aide-de-camp to the Duke of York, and wounded by his +Royal Highness's side at the bombardment of Valenciennes. WE move IN OUR +OWN SPHERE." + +"Mrs. Perkins is a very kind creature," I said, "and it was a very +pleasant ball. Did you not think so, Miss Kicklebury?" + +"I thought it odious," said Miss Fanny. "I mean, it WAS pleasant until +that--that stupid man--what was his name?--came and took me away to +dance with him." + +"What! don't you care for a red coat and moustaches?" I asked. + +"I adore genius, Mr. Titmarsh," said the young lady, with a most killing +look of her beautiful blue eyes, "and I have every one of your works by +heart--all, except the last, which I can't endure. I think it's wicked, +positively wicked--My darling Scott--how can you? And are you going to +make a Christmas-book this year?" + +"Shall I tell you about it?" + +"Oh, do tell us about it," said the lively, charming creature, clapping +her hands: and we began to talk, being near Lavinia (Mrs. Milliken) +and her husband, who was ceaselessly occupied in fetching and carrying +books, biscuits, pillows and cloaks, scent-bottles, the Italian +greyhound, and the thousand and one necessities of the pale and +interesting bride. Oh, how she did fidget! how she did grumble! how she +altered and twisted her position! and how she did make poor Milliken +trot! + +After Miss Fanny and I had talked, and I had told her my plan, which she +pronounced to be delightful, she continued:--"I never was so provoked in +my life, Mr. Titmarsh, as when that odious man came and interrupted that +dear delightful conversation." + +"On your word? The odious man is on board the boat: I see him smoking +just by the funnel yonder, look! and looking at us." + +"He is very stupid," said Fanny; "and all that I adore is intellect, +dear Mr. Titmarsh." + +"But why is he on board?" said I, with a fin sourire. + +"Why is he on board? Why is everybody on board? How do we meet? (and oh, +how glad I am to meet you again!) You don't suppose that I know how the +horrid man came here?" + +"Eh! he may be fascinated by a pair of blue eyes, Miss Fanny! Others +have been so," I said. + +"Don't be cruel to a poor girl, you wicked, satirical creature," she +said. "I think Captain Hicks odious--there! and I was quite angry when I +saw him on the boat. Mamma does not know him, and she was so angry +with me for dancing with him that night: though there was nobody of any +particular mark at poor dear Mrs. Perkins's--that is, except YOU, Mr. +Titmarsh." + +"And I am not a dancing man," I said, with a sigh. + +"I hate dancing men; they can do nothing but dance." + +"O yes, they can. Some of them can smoke, and some can ride, and some of +them can even spell very well." + +"You wicked, satirical person. I'm quite afraid of you!" + +"And some of them call the Rhine the 'Whine,'" I said, giving an +admirable imitation of poor Hicks's drawling manner. + +Fanny looked hard at me, with a peculiar expression on her face. At last +she laughed. "Oh, you wicked, wicked man," she said, "what a capital +mimic you are, and so full of cleverness! Do bring up Captain +Hicks--isn't that his name?--and trot him out for us. Bring him up, and +introduce him to mamma: do now, go!" + +Mamma, in the meanwhile, had waited her time, and was just going to step +down the cabin stairs as Lady Knightsbridge ascended from them. To draw +back, to make a most profound curtsy, to exclaim, "Lady Knightsbridge! I +have had the honor of seeing your ladyship at--hum--hum--hum" (this word +I could not catch)--"House,"--all these feats were performed by Lady +Kicklebury in one instant, and acknowledged with the usual calmness by +the younger lady. + +"And may I hope," continues Lady Kicklebury, "that that most beautiful +of all children--a mother may say so--that Lord Pimlico has recovered +his hooping-cough? We were so anxious about him. Our medical attendant +is Mr. Topham, and he used to come from Knightsbridge House to +Pocklington Square, often and often. I am interested about the +hooping-cough. My own dear boy had it most severely; that dear girl, my +eldest daughter, whom you see stretched on the bench--she is in a very +delicate state, and only lately married--not such a match as I could +have wished: but Mr. Milliken is of a good family, distantly related +to your ladyship's. A Milliken, in George the Third's reign, married +a Boltimore, and the Boltimores, I think, are your first-cousins. They +married this year, and Lavinia is so fond of me, that she can't part +with me, and I have come abroad just to please her. We are going to +Noirbourg. I think I heard from my son that Lord Knightsbridge was at +Noirbourg." + +"I believe I have had the pleasure of seeing Sir Thomas Kicklebury +at Knightsbridge House," Lady Knightsbridge said, with something of +sadness. + +"Indeed!" and Kicklebury had never told her! He laughed at her when she +talked about great people: he told her all sorts of ridiculous stories +when upon this theme. But, at any rate, the acquaintance was made: Lady +Kicklebury would not leave Lady Knightsbridge; and, even in the throes +of sea-sickness, and the secret recesses of the cabin, WOULD talk to +her about the world, Lord Pimlico, and her father, General Guff, late +aide-de-camp to the Duke of York. + +That those throes of sickness ensued, I need not say. A short time after +passing Ramsgate, Serjeant Lankin, who had been exceedingly gay and +satirical--(in his calm way; he quotes Horace, my favorite bits as +an author, to myself, and has a quiet snigger, and, so to speak, +amontillado flavor, exceedingly pleasant)--Lankin, with a rueful and +livid countenance, descended into his berth, in the which that six foot +of serjeant packed himself I don't know how. + +When Lady Knightsbridge went down, down went Kicklebury. Milliken and +his wife stayed, and were ill together on deck. A palm of glory ought to +be awarded to that man for his angelic patience, energy, and suffering. +It was he who went for Mrs. Milliken's maid, who wouldn't come to +her mistress; it was he, the shyest of men, who stormed the ladies' +cabin--that maritime harem--in order to get her mother's bottle of +salts; it was he who went for the brandy-and-water, and begged, +and prayed, and besought his adored Lavinia to taste a leetle drop. +Lavinia's reply was, "Don't--go away--don't tease, Horace," and so +forth. And, when not wanted, the gentle creature subsided on the bench, +by his wife's feet, and was sick in silence. + +[Mem--In married life, it seems to me, that it is almost always Milliken +and wife, or just the contrary. The angels minister to the tyrants; or +the gentle, hen-pecked husband cowers before the superior partlet. If +ever I marry, I know the sort of woman I will choose; and I won't try +her temper by over-indulgence, and destroy her fine qualities by a +ruinous subserviency to her wishes.] + +Little Miss Fanny stayed on deck, as well as her sister, and looked at +the stars of heaven, as they began to shine there, and at the Foreland +lights as we passed them. I would have talked with her; I would +have suggested images of poesy, and thoughts of beauty; I would have +whispered the word of sentiment--the delicate allusion--the breathing +of the soul that longs to find a congenial heart--the sorrows and +aspirations of the wounded spirit, stricken and sad, yet not QUITE +despairing; still knowing that the hope-plant lurked in its crushed +ruins--still able to gaze on the stars and the ocean, and love their +blazing sheen, their boundless azure. I would, I say, have taken the +opportunity of that stilly night to lay bare to her the treasures of a +heart that, I am happy to say, is young still; but circumstances forbade +the frank outpouring of my poet soul: in a word, I was obliged to go and +lie down on the flat of my back, and endeavor to control OTHER emotions +which struggled in my breast. + +Once, in the night-watches, I arose, and came on deck; the vessel was +not, methought, pitching much; and yet--and yet Neptune was inexorable. +The placid stars looked down, but they gave me no peace. Lavinia +Milliken seemed asleep, and her Horace, in a death-like torpor, was +huddled at her feet. Miss Fanny had quitted the larboard side of +the ship, and had gone to starboard; and I thought that there was a +gentleman beside her; but I could not see very clearly, and returned +to the horrid crib, where Lankin was asleep, and the German fiddler +underneath him was snoring like his own violoncello. + +In the morning we were all as brisk as bees. We were in the smooth +waters of the lazy Scheldt. The stewards began preparing breakfast with +that matutinal eagerness which they always show. The sleepers in the +cabin were roused from their horse-hair couches by the stewards' boys +nudging, and pushing, and flapping table-cloths over them. I shaved and +made a neat toilette, and came upon deck just as we lay off that little +Dutch fort, which is, I dare say, described in "Murray's Guide-book," +and about which I had some rare banter with poor Hicks and Lady +Kicklebury, whose sense of humor is certainly not very keen. He had, +somehow, joined her ladyship's party, and they were looking at the +fort, and its tri-colored flag--that floats familiar in Vandevelde's +pictures--and at the lazy shipping, and the tall roofs, and dumpy church +towers, and flat pastures, lying before us in a Cuyplike haze. + +I am sorry to say, I told them the most awful fibs about that fort. How +it had been defended by the Dutch patriot, Van Swammerdam, against the +united forces of the Duke of Alva and Marshal Turenne, whose leg was +shot off as he was leading the last unsuccessful assault, and who turned +round to his aide-de-camp and said, "Allez dire an Premier Consul, que +je meurs avec regret de ne pas avoir assez fait pour la France!" which +gave Lady Kicklebury an opportunity to placer her story of the Duke of +York, and the bombardment of Valenciennes; and caused young Hicks +to look at me in a puzzled and appealing manner and hint that I was +"chaffing." + +"Chaffing indeed!" says I, with a particularly arch eye-twinkle at +Miss Fanny. "I wouldn't make fun of you, Captain Hicks! If you doubt my +historical accuracy, look at the 'Biographie Universelle.' I say--look +at the 'Biographie Universelle.'" + +He said, "O--ah--the 'Biogwaphie Universelle' may be all vewy well, and +that; but I never can make out whether you are joking or not, somehow; +and I always fancy you are going to CAWICKACHAW me. Ha, ha!" And he +laughed, the good-natured dragoon laughed, and fancied he had made a +joke. + +I entreated him not to be so severe upon me; and again he said, "Haw +haw!" and told me, "I mustn't expect to have it all MY OWN WAY, and if +I gave a hit, I must expect a Punch in return. Haw haw!" Oh, you honest +young Hicks! + +Everybody, indeed, was in high spirits. The fog cleared off, the sun +shone, the ladies chatted and laughed, even Mrs. Milliken was in good +humor ("My wife is all intellect," Milliken says, looking at her with +admiration), and talked with us freely and gayly. She was kind enough +to say that it was a great pleasure to meet with a literary and +well-informed person--that one often lived with people that did not +comprehend one. She asked if my companion, that tall gentleman--Mr. +Serjeant Lankin, was he?--was literary. And when I said that Lankin knew +more Greek, and more Latin, and more law, and more history, and more +everything, than all the passengers put together, she vouchsafed to +look at him with interest, and enter into a conversation with my modest +friend the Serjeant. Then it was that her adoring husband said "his +Lavinia was all intellect;"--Lady Kicklebury saying that SHE was not a +literary woman: that in HER day few acquirements were requisite for the +British female; but that she knew THE SPIRIT OF THE AGE, and her DUTY AS +A MOTHER, and that "Lavinia and Fanny had had the best masters and +the best education which money and constant maternal solicitude could +impart." If our matrons are virtuous, as they are, and it is Britain's +boast, permit me to say that they certainly know it. + +The conversation growing powerfully intellectual under Mrs. Milliken, +poor Hicks naturally became uneasy, and put an end to literature by +admiring the ladies' head-dresses. "Cab-heads, hoods, what do you call +'em?" he asked of Miss Kicklebury. Indeed, she and her sister wore a +couple of those blue silk over-bonnets, which have lately become the +fashion, and which I never should have mentioned but for the young +lady's reply. + +"Those hoods!" she said--"WE CALL THOSE HOODS UGLIES! Captain Hicks." + +Oh, how pretty she looked as she said it! The blue eyes looked up under +the blue hood, so archly and gayly; ever so many dimples began playing +about her face; her little voice rang so fresh and sweet, that a heart +which has never loved a tree or flower but the vegetable in question +was sure to perish--a heart worn down and sickened by repeated +disappointment, mockery, faithlessness--a heart whereof despair is an +accustomed tenant, and in whose desolate and lonely depths dwells an +abiding gloom, began to throb once more--began to beckon Hope from the +window--began to admit sunshine--began to--O Folly, Folly! O Fanny! +O Miss K., how lovely you looked as you said, "We call those hoods +Uglies!" Ugly indeed! + + +This is a chronicle of feelings and characters, not of events and +places, so much. All this time our vessel was making rapid way up the +river, and we saw before us the slim towers of the noble cathedral of +Antwerp soaring in the rosy sunshine. Lankin and I had agreed to go to +the "Grand Laboureur," or the Place de Meir. They give you a particular +kind of jam-tarts there--called Nun's tarts, I think--that I remember, +these twenty years, as the very best tarts--as good as the tarts +which we ate when we were boys. The "Laboureur" is a dear old quiet +comfortable hotel; and there is no man in England who likes a good +dinner better than Lankin. + +"What hotel do you go to?" I asked of Lady Kicklebury. + +"We go to the 'Saint Antoine' of course. Everybody goes to the 'Saint +Antoine,'" her ladyship said. "We propose to rest here; to do the +Rubens's; and to proceed to Cologne to-morrow. Horace, call Finch and +Bowman; and your courier, if he will have the condescension to wait upon +ME, will perhaps look to the baggage." + +"I think, Lankin," said I, "as everybody seems going to the 'Saint +Antoine,' we may as well go, and not spoil the party." + +"I think I'll go too," says Hicks; as if HE belonged to the party. + +And oh, it was a great sight when we landed, and at every place at which +we paused afterwards, to see Hirsch over the Kicklebury baggage, and +hear his polyglot maledictions at the porters! If a man sometimes feels +sad and lonely at his bachelor condition, if SOME feelings of envy +pervade his heart, at seeing beauty on another's arm, and kind eyes +directed towards a happier mug than his own--at least there are some +consolations in travelling, when a fellow has but one little portmanteau +or bag which he can easily shoulder, and thinks of the innumerable bags +and trunks which the married man and the father drags after him. The +married Briton on a tour is but a luggage overseer: his luggage is his +morning thought, and his nightly terror. When he floats along the Rhine +he has one eye on a ruin, and the other on his luggage. When he is in +the railroad he is always thinking, or ordered by his wife to think, "is +the luggage safe?" It clings round him. It never leaves him (except +when it DOES leave him, as a trunk or two will, and make him doubly +miserable). His carpet-bags lie on his chest at night, and his wife's +forgotten bandbox haunts his turbid dreams. + +I think it was after she found that Lady Kicklebury proposed to go to +the "Grand Saint Antoine" that Lady Knightsbridge put herself with +her maid into a carriage and went to the other inn. We saw her at the +cathedral, where she kept aloof from our party. Milliken went up the +tower, and so did Miss Fanny. I am too old a traveller to mount up those +immeasurable stairs, for the purpose of making myself dizzy by gazing +upon a vast map of low countries stretched beneath me, and waited with +Mrs. Milliken and her mother below. + +When the tower-climbers descended, we asked Miss Fanny and her brother +what they had seen. + +"We saw Captain Hicks up there," remarked Milliken. "And I am very glad +you didn't come, Lavinia my love. The excitement would have been too +much for you, quite too much." + +All this while Lady Kicklebury was looking at Fanny, and Fanny was +holding her eyes down; and I knew that between her and this poor Hicks +there could be nothing serious, for she had laughed at him and mimicked +him to me half a dozen times in the course of the day. + +We "do the Rubens's," as Lady Kicklebury says; we trudge from cathedral +to picture-gallery, from church to church. We see the calm old city, +with its towers and gables, the bourse, and the vast town-hall; and +I have the honor to give Lady Kicklebury my arm during these +peregrinations, and to hear a hundred particulars regarding her +ladyship's life and family. How Milliken has been recently building +at Pigeoncot; how he will have two thousand a year more when his uncle +dies; how she had peremptorily to put a stop to the assiduities of that +unprincipled young man, Lord Roughhead, whom Lavinia always detested, +and who married Miss Brent out of sheer pique. It was a great escape for +her darling Lavinia. Roughhead is a most wild and dissipated young man, +one of Kicklebury's Christchurch friends, of whom her son has too many, +alas! and she enters into many particulars respecting the conduct +of Kicklebury--the unhappy boy's smoking, his love of billiards, his +fondness for the turf: she fears he has already injured his income, she +fears he is even now playing at Noirbourg; she is going thither to wean +him, if possible, from his companions and his gayeties--what may not a +mother effect? She only wrote to him the day before they left London +to announce that she was marching on him with her family. He is in many +respects like his poor father--the same openness and frankness, the same +easy disposition: alas! the same love of pleasure. But she had reformed +the father, and will do her utmost to call back her dear misguided boy. +She had an advantageous match for him in view--a lady not beautiful in +person, it is true, but possessed of every good principle, and a very, +very handsome fortune. It was under pretence of flying from this lady +that Kicklebury left town. But she knew better. + +I say young men will be young men, and sow their wild oats; and think +to myself that the invasion of his mamma will be perhaps more surprising +than pleasant to young Sir Thomas Kicklebury, and that she possibly +talks about herself and her family, and her virtues and her daughters, +a little too much: but she WILL make a confidant of me, and all the time +we are doing the Rubens's she is talking of the pictures at Kicklebury, +of her portrait by Lawrence, pronounced to be his finest work, of +Lavinia's talent for drawing, and the expense of Fanny's music-masters; +of her house in town (where she hopes to see me); of her parties which +were stopped by the illness of her butler. She talks Kicklebury until I +am sick. And oh, Miss Fanny, all of this I endure, like an old fool, for +an occasional sight of your bright eyes and rosy face! + + +[Another parenthesis.--"We hope to see you in town, Mr. Titmarsh." +Foolish mockery! If all the people whom one has met abroad, and who +have said, "We hope to meet you often in town," had but made any the +slightest efforts to realize their hopes by sending a simple line of +invitation through the penny post, what an enormous dinner acquaintance +one would have had! But I mistrust people who say, "We hope to see you +in town."] + + +Lankin comes in at the end of the day, just before dinnertime. He has +paced the whole town by himself--church, tower, and fortifications, +and Rubens, and all. He is full of Egmont and Alva. He is up to all the +history of the siege, when Chassee defended, and the French attacked the +place. After dinner we stroll along the quays; and over the quiet +cigar in the hotel court, Monsieur Lankin discourses about the Rubens +pictures, in a way which shows that the learned Serjeant has an eye +for pictorial beauty as well as other beauties in this world, and can +rightly admire the vast energy, the prodigal genius, the royal splendor +of the King of Antwerp. In the most modest way in the world he has +remarked a student making clever sketches at the Museum, and has ordered +a couple of copies from him of the famous Vandyke and the wondrous +adoration of the Magi, "a greater picture," says he, "than even the +cathedral picture; in which opinion those may agree who like." He says +he thinks Miss Kicklebury is a pretty little thing; that all my swans +are geese; and that as for that old woman, with her airs and graces, she +is the most intolerable old nuisance in the world. There is much good +judgment, but there is too much sardonic humor about Lankin. He cannot +appreciate women properly. He is spoiled by being an old bachelor, and +living in that dingy old Pump Court; where, by the way, he has a cellar +fit for a Pontiff. We go to rest; they have given us humble lodgings +high up in the building, which we accept like philosophers who travel +with but a portmanteau apiece. The Kickleburys have the grand suite, as +becomes their dignity. Which, which of those twinkling lights illumines +the chamber of Miss Fanny? + +Hicks is sitting in the court too, smoking his cigar. He and Lankin met +in the fortifications. Lankin says he is a sensible fellow, and seems +to know his profession. "Every man can talk well about something," the +Serjeant says. "And one man can about everything," says I; at which +Lankin blushes; and we take our flaring tallow candles and go to bed. He +has us up an hour before the starting time, and we have that period to +admire Herr Oberkellner, who swaggers as becomes the Oberkellner of a +house frequented by ambassadors; who contradicts us to our faces, and +whose own countenance is ornamented with yesterday's beard, of which, or +of any part of his clothing, the graceful youth does not appear to have +divested himself since last we left him. We recognize, somewhat dingy +and faded, the elaborate shirt-front which appeared at yesterday's +banquet. Farewell, Herr Oberkellner! May we never see your handsome +countenance, washed or unwashed, shaven or unshorn, again! + +Here come the ladies: "Good morning, Miss Fanny. I hope you slept +well, Lady Kicklebury?" "A tremendous bill?" "No wonder; how can you +expect otherwise, when you have such a bad dinner?" Hearken to Hirsch's +comminations over the luggage! Look at the honest Belgian soldiers, and +that fat Freyschutz on guard, his rifle in one hand, and the other hand +in his pocket. Captain Hicks bursts into a laugh at the sight of the fat +Freyschutz, and says, "By Jove, Titmarsh, you must cawickachaw him." +And we take our seats at length and at leisure, and the railway trumpets +blow, and (save for a brief halt) we never stop till night, trumpeting +by green flats and pastures, by broad canals and old towns, through +Liege and Verviers, through Aix and Cologne, till we are landed at Bonn +at nightfall. + +We all have supper, or tea--we have become pretty intimate--we look at +the strangers' book, as a matter of course, in the great room of the +"Star Hotel." Why, everybody is on the Rhine! Here are the names of half +one's acquaintance. + +"I see Lord and Lady Exborough are gone on," says Lady Kicklebury, +whose eye fastens naturally on her kindred aristocracy. "Lord and Lady +Wyebridge and suite, Lady Zedland and her family." + +"Hallo! here's Cutler of the Onety-oneth, and MacMull of the Greens, en +route to Noirbourg," says Hicks, confidentially. "Know MacMull? Devilish +good fellow--such a fellow to smoke." + +Lankin, too, reads and grins. "Why, are they going the Rhenish circuit?" +he says, and reads: + +Sir Thomas Minos, Lady Minos, nebst Begleitung, aus England. + +Sir John AEacus, mit Familie und Dienerschaft, aus England. + +Sir Roger Raadamanthus. + +Thomas Smith, Serjeant. + +Serjeant Brown and Mrs. Brown, aus England. + +Serjeant Tomkins, Anglais. Madame Tomkins, Mesdemoiselles Tomkins. + +Monsieur Kewsy, Conseiller de S. M. la Reine d'Angleterre. Mrs. Kewsy, +three Miss Kewsys. + +And to this list Lankin, laughing, had put down his own name, and that +of the reader's obedient servant, under the august autograph of Lady +Kicklebury, who signed for herself, her son-in-law, and her suite. + +Yes, we all flock the one after the other, we faithful English folks. We +can buy Harvey Sauce, and Cayenne Pepper, and Morison's Pills, in every +city in the world. We carry our nation everywhere with us; and are in +our island, wherever we go. Toto divisos orbe--always separated from the +people in the midst of whom we are. + + +When we came to the steamer next morning, "the castled crag of +Drachenfels" rose up in the sunrise before, and looked as pink as the +cheeks of Master Jacky, when they have been just washed in the morning. +How that rosy light, too, did become Miss Fanny's pretty dimples, to be +sure! How good a cigar is at the early dawn! I maintain that it has a +flavor which it does not possess at later hours, and that it partakes of +the freshness of all Nature. And wine, too: wine is never so good as at +breakfast; only one can't drink it, for tipsiness's sake. + +See! there is a young fellow drinking soda-water and brandy already. He +puts down his glass with a gasp of satisfaction. It is evident that he +had need of that fortifier and refresher. He puts down the beaker and +says, "How are you, Titmarsh? I was SO cut last night. My eyes, wasn't +I! Not in the least: that's all." + +It is the youthful descendant and heir of an ancient line: the noble +Earl of Grimsby's son, Viscount Talboys. He is travelling with the Rev. +Baring Leader, his tutor; who, having a great natural turn and liking +towards the aristocracy, and having inspected Lady Kicklebury's cards +on her trunks, has introduced himself to her ladyship already, and has +inquired after Sir Thomas Kicklebury, whom he remembers perfectly, +and whom he had often the happiness of meeting when Sir Thomas was an +undergraduate at Oxford. There are few characters more amiable, and +delightful to watch and contemplate, than some of those middle-aged +Oxford bucks who hang about the university and live with the young +tufts. Leader can talk racing and boating with the fastest young +Christchurch gentleman. Leader occasionally rides to cover with Lord +Talboys; is a good shot, and seldom walks out without a setter or +a spaniel at his heels. Leader knows the "Peerage" and the "Racing +Calendar" as well as the Oxford cram-books. Leader comes up to town and +dines with Lord Grimsby. Leader goes to Court every two years. He is +the greatest swell in his common-room. He drinks claret, and can't stand +port-wine any longer; and the old fellows of his college admire him, and +pet him, and get all their knowledge of the world and the aristocracy +from him. I admire those kind old dons when they appear affable and +jaunty, men of the world, members of the "Camford and Oxbridge Club," +upon the London pavement. I like to see them over the Morning Post in +the common-room; with a "Ha, I see Lady Rackstraw has another daughter." +"Poppleton there has been at another party at X---- House, and YOU +weren't asked, my boy."--"Lord Coverdale has got a large party staying +at Coverdale. Did you know him at Christchurch? He was a very handsome +man before he broke his nose fighting the bargeman at Iffly: a light +weight, but a beautiful sparrer," &c. Let me add that Leader, although +he does love a tuft, has a kind heart: as his mother and sisters in +Yorkshire know; as all the village knows too--which is proud of his +position in the great world, and welcomes him very kindly when he comes +down and takes the duty at Christmas, and preaches to them one or two +of "the very sermons which Lord Grimsby was good enough to like, when I +delivered them at Talboys." + +"You are not acquainted with Lord Talboys?" Leader asks, with a degage +air. "I shall have much pleasure in introducing you to him. Talboys, let +me introduce you to Lady Kicklebury. Sir Thomas Kicklebury was not at +Christchurch in your time; but you have heard of him, I dare say. Your +son has left a reputation at Oxford." + +"I should think I have, too. He walked a hundred miles in a hundred +hours. They said he bet that he'd drink a hundred pints of beer in a +hundred hours: but I don't think he could do it--not strong beer; don't +think any man could. The beer here isn't worth a--" + +"My dear Talboys," says Leader, with a winning smile, "I suppose Lady +Kicklebury is not a judge of beer--and what an unromantic subject of +conversation here, under the castled crag immortalized by Byron." + +"What the deuce does it mean about peasant-girls with dark blue eyes, +and hands that offer corn and wine?" asks Talboys. "I'VE never seen any +peasant-girls, except the--ugliest set of women I ever looked at." + +"The poet's license. I see, Miliken, you are making a charming sketch. +You used to draw when you were at Brasenose, Milliken; and play--yes, +you played the violoncello." + +Mr. Milliken still possessed these accomplishments. He was taken up +that very evening by a soldier at Coblentz, for making a sketch of +Ehrenbreitstein. Mrs. Milliken sketches immensely too, and writes +poetry: such dreary pictures, such dreary poems! but professional people +are proverbially jealous; and I doubt whether our fellow-passenger, the +German, would even allow that Milliken could play the violoncello. + +Lady Kicklebury gives Miss Fanny a nudge when Lord Talboys appears, and +orders her to exert all her fascinations. How the old lady coaxes, and +she wheedles! She pours out the Talboys' pedigree upon him; and asks +after his aunt, and his mother's family. Is he going to Noirbourg? How +delightful! There is nothing like British spirits; and to see an English +matron well set upon a young man of large fortune and high rank, is a +great and curious sight. + +And yet, somehow, the British doggedness does not always answer. "Do +you know that old woman in the drab jacket, Titmarsh?" my hereditary +legislator asks of me. "What the devil is she bothering ME for, about +my aunts, and setting her daughter at me? I ain't such a fool as that. +I ain't clever, Titmarsh; I never said I was. I never pretend to be +clever, and that--but why does that old fool bother ME, hay? Heigho! +I'm devilish thirsty. I was devilish cut last night. I think I must have +another go-off. Hallo you! Kellner! Garsong! Ody soda, Oter petty vare +do dyvee de Conac. That's your sort; isn't it, Leader?" + +"You will speak French well enough, if you practise," says Leader with +a tender voice; "practice is everything. Shall we dine at the +table-d'hote? Waiter! put down the name of Viscount Talboys and Mr. +Leader, if you please." + +The boat is full of all sorts and conditions of men. For'ard, there are +peasants and soldiers: stumpy, placid-looking little warriors for the +most part, smoking feeble cigars and looking quite harmless under their +enormous helmets. A poor stunted dull-looking boy of sixteen, staggering +before a black-striped sentry-box, with an enormous musket on his +shoulder, does not seem to me a martial or awe-inspiring object. Has it +not been said that we carry our prejudices everywhere, and only admire +what we are accustomed to admire in our own country? + +Yonder walks a handsome young soldier who has just been marrying a wife. +How happy they seem! and how pleased that everybody should remark their +happiness. It is a fact that in the full sunshine, and before a couple +of hundred people on board the Joseph Miller steamer, the soldier +absolutely kissed Mrs. Soldier; at which the sweet Fanny Kicklebury was +made to blush. + +We were standing together looking at the various groups: the pretty +peasant-woman (really pretty for once,) with the red head-dress and +fluttering ribbons, and the child in her arms; the jolly fat old +gentleman, who was drinking Rhine-wine before noon, and turning his back +upon all the castles, towers, and ruins, which reflected their crumbling +peaks in the water; upon the handsome young students who came with +us from Bonn, with their national colors in their caps, with their +picturesque looks, their yellow ringlets, their budding moustaches, and +with cuts upon almost every one of their noses, obtained in duels at the +university: most picturesque are these young fellows, indeed--but ah, +why need they have such black hands? + +Near us is a type, too: a man who adorns his own tale, and points his +own moral. "Yonder, in his carriage, sits the Count de Reineck, who +won't travel without that dismal old chariot, though it is shabby, +costly, and clumsy, and though the wicked red republicans come and smoke +under his very nose. Yes, Miss Fanny, it is the lusty young Germany, +pulling the nose of the worn-out old world." + +"Law, what DO you mean, Mr. Titmarsh?" cries the dear Fanny. + +"And here comes Mademoiselle de Reineck, with her companion. You see she +is wearing out one of the faded silk gowns which she has spoiled at the +Residenz during the season: for the Reinecks are economical, though they +are proud; and forced, like many other insolvent grandees, to do and to +wear shabby things. + +"It is very kind of the young countess to call her companion 'Louise,' +and to let Louise call her 'Laure;' but if faces may be trusted,--and we +can read in one countenance conceit and tyranny; deceit and slyness in +another,--dear Louise has to suffer some hard raps from dear Laure: and, +to judge from her dress, I don't think poor Louise has her salary paid +very regularly. + +"What a comfort it is to live in a country where there is neither +insolence nor bankruptcy among the great folks, nor cringing, nor +flattery among the small. Isn't it, Miss Fanny?" + +Miss Fanny says, that she can't understand whether I am joking +or serious; and her mamma calls her away to look at the ruins of +Wigginstein. Everybody looks at Wigginstein. You are told in Murray to +look at Wigginstein. + + +Lankin, who has been standing by, with a grin every now and then upon +his sardonic countenance, comes up and says, "Titmarsh, how can you be +so impertinent?" + +"Impertinent! as how?" + +"The girl must understand what you mean; and you shouldn't laugh at her +own mother to her. Did you ever see anything like the way in which that +horrible woman is following the young lord about?" + +"See! You see it every day, my dear fellow; only the trick is better +done, and Lady Kicklebury is rather a clumsy practitioner. See! why +nobody is better aware of the springes which are set to catch him than +that young fellow himself, who is as knowing as any veteran in May Fair. +And you don't suppose that Lady Kicklebury fancies that she is doing +anything mean, or anything wrong? Heaven bless you! she never did +anything wrong in her life. She has no idea but that everything she +says, and thinks, and does is right. And no doubt she never did rob a +church: and was a faithful wife to Sir Thomas, and pays her tradesmen. +Confound her virtue! It is that which makes her so wonderful--that brass +armor in which she walks impenetrable--not knowing what pity is, or +charity; crying sometimes when she is vexed, or thwarted, but laughing +never; cringing, and domineering by the same natural instinct--never +doubting about herself above all. Let us rise, and revolt against those +people, Lankin. Let us war with them, and smite them utterly. It is to +use against these, especially, that Scorn and Satire were invented." + +"And the animal you attack," says Lankin, "is provided with a hide to +defend him--it is a common ordinance of nature." + + +And so we pass by tower and town, and float up the Rhine. We don't +describe the river. Who does not know it? How you see people asleep in +the cabins at the most picturesque parts, and angry to be awakened when +they fire off those stupid guns for the echoes! It is as familiar to +numbers of people as Greenwich; and we know the merits of the inns along +the road as if they were the "Trafalgar" or the "Star and Garter." How +stale everything grows! If we were to live in a garden of Eden, now, and +the gate were open, we should go out, and tramp forward, and push on, +and get up early in the morning, and push on again--anything to keep +moving, anything to get a change: anything but quiet for the restless +children of Cain. + + +So many thousands of English folks have been at Rougetnoirbourg in this +and last seasons, that it is scarcely needful to alter the name of that +pretty little gay, wicked place. There were so many British barristers +there this year that they called the "Hotel des Quatre Saisons" +the "Hotel of Quarter Sessions." There were judges and their wives, +serjeants and their ladies, Queen's counsel learned in the law, the +Northern circuit and the Western circuit: there were officers of +half-pay and full-pay, military officers, naval officers, and sheriffs' +officers. There were people of high fashion and rank, and people of +no rank at all; there were men and women of reputation, and of the two +kinds of reputation; there were English boys playing cricket; English +pointers putting up the German partridges, and English guns knocking +them down; there were women whose husbands, and men whose wives were at +home; there were High Church and Low Church--England turned out for a +holiday, in a word. How much farther shall we extend our holiday ground, +and where shall we camp next? A winter at Cairo is nothing now. Perhaps +ere long we shall be going to Saratoga Springs, and the Americans coming +to Margate for the summer. + +Apartments befitting her dignity and the number of her family had been +secured for Lady Kicklebury by her dutiful son, in the same house in +which one of Lankin's friends had secured for us much humbler lodgings. +Kicklebury received his mother's advent with a great deal of good humor; +and a wonderful figure the good-natured little baronet was when he +presented himself to his astonished friends, scarcely recognizable by +his own parent and sisters, and the staring retainers of their house. + +"Mercy, Kicklebury! have you become a red republican?" his mother asked. + +"I can't find a place to kiss you," said Miss Fanny, laughing to her +brother; and he gave her pretty cheek such a scrub with his red beard, +as made some folks think it would be very pleasant to be Miss Fanny's +brother. + +In the course of his travels, one of Sir Thomas Kicklebury's chief +amusements and cares had been to cultivate this bushy auburn ornament. +He said that no man could pronounce German properly without a beard to +his jaws; but he did not appear to have got much beyond this preliminary +step to learning; and, in spite of his beard, his honest English accent +came out, as his jolly English face looked forth from behind that fierce +and bristly decoration, perfectly good-humored and unmistakable. We try +our best to look like foreigners, but we can't. Every Italian mendicant +or Pont Neuf beggar knows his Englishman in spite of blouse, and beard, +and slouched hat. "There is a peculiar high-bred grace about us," I +whisper to Lady Kicklebury, "an aristocratic je ne scais quoi, which is +not to be found in any but Englishmen; and it is that which makes us so +immensely liked and admired all over the Continent." Well, this may +be truth or joke--this may be a sneer or a simple assertion: our +vulgarities and our insolences may, perhaps, make us as remarkable +as that high breeding which we assume to possess. It may be that the +Continental society ridicules and detests us, as we walk domineering +over Europe; but, after all, which of us would denationalize himself? +who wouldn't be an Englishman? Come, sir, cosmopolite as you are, +passing all your winters at Rome or at Paris; exiled by choice, or +poverty, from your own country; preferring easier manners, cheaper +pleasures, a simpler life: are you not still proud of your British +citizenship? and would you like to be a Frenchman? + +Kicklebury has a great acquaintance at Noirbourg, and as he walks into +the great concert-room at night, introducing his mother and sisters +there, he seemed to look about with a little anxiety, lest all of his +acquaintance should recognize him. There are some in that most strange +and motley company with whom he had rather not exchange salutations, +under present circumstances. Pleasure-seekers from every nation in the +world are here, sharpers of both sexes, wearers of the stars and cordons +of every court in Europe; Russian princesses, Spanish grandees, Belgian, +French, and English nobles, every degree of Briton, from the ambassador, +who has his conge, to the London apprentice who has come out for his +fortnight's lark. Kicklebury knows them all, and has a good-natured nod +for each. + +"Who is that lady with the three daughters who saluted you, Kicklebury?" +asks his mother. + +"That is our Ambassadress at X., ma'am. I saw her yesterday buying a +penny toy for one of her little children in Frankfort Fair." + +Lady Kicklebury looks towards Lady X.: she makes her excellency an +undeveloped curtsy, as it were; she waves her plumed head (Lady K. is +got up in great style, in a rich dejeuner toilette, perfectly regardless +of expense); she salutes the ambassadress with a sweeping gesture from +her chair, and backs before her as before royalty, and turns to her +daughters large eyes full of meaning, and spreads out her silks in +state. + +"And who is that distinguished-looking man who just passed, and who gave +you a reserved nod?" asks her ladyship. "Is that Lord X.?" + +Kicklebury burst out laughing. "That, ma'am, is Mr. Higmore, of Conduit +Street, tailor, draper, and habit-maker: and I owe him a hundred pound." + +"The insolence of that sort of people is really intolerable," says Lady +Kicklebury. "There MUST be some distinction of classes. They ought not +to be allowed to go everywhere. And who is yonder, that lady with the +two boys and the--the very high complexion?" Lady Kicklebury asks. + +"That is a Russian princess: and one of those little boys, the one who +is sucking a piece of barley-sugar, plays, and wins five hundred louis +in a night." + +"Kicklebury, you do not play? Promise your mother you do not! Swear +to me at this moment you do not! Where are the horrid gambling-rooms? +There, at that door where the crowd is? Of course, I shall never enter +them!" + +"Of course not, ma'am," says the affectionate son on duty. "And if you +come to the balls here, please don't let Fanny dance with anybody, until +you ask me first: you understand. Fanny, you will take care." + +"Yes, Tom," says Fanny. + +"What, Hicks, how are you, old fellow? How is Platts? Who would have +thought of you being here? When did you come?" + +"I had the pleasure of travelling with Lady Kicklebury and her daughters +in the London boat to Antwerp," says Captain Hicks, making the ladies +a bow. Kicklebury introduces Hicks to his mother as his most particular +friend--and he whispers Fanny that "he's as good a fellow as ever lived, +Hicks is." Fanny says, "He seems very kind and good-natured: and--and +Captain Hicks waltzes very well," says Miss Fanny with a blush, "and I +hope I may have him for one of my partners." + +What a Babel of tongues it is in this splendid hall with gleaming marble +pillars: a ceaseless rushing whisper as if the band were playing its +music by a waterfall! The British lawyers are all got together, and +my friend Lankin, on his arrival, has been carried off by his brother +serjeants, and becomes once more a lawyer. "Well, brother Lankin," says +old Sir Thomas Minos, with his venerable kind face, "you have got your +rule, I see." And they fall into talk about their law matters, as +they always do, wherever they are--at a club, in a ball-room, at a +dinner-table, at the top of Chimborazo. Some of the young barristers +appear as bucks with uncommon splendor, and dance and hang about the +ladies. But they have not the easy languid deuce-may-care air of the +young bucks of the Hicks and Kicklebury school--they can't put on +their clothes with that happy negligence; their neck-cloths sit quite +differently on them, somehow: they become very hot when they dance, and +yet do not spin round near so quickly as those London youths, who have +acquired experience in corpore vili, and learned to dance easily by the +practice of a thousand casinos. + +Above the Babel tongues and the clang of the music, as you listen in the +great saloon, you hear from a neighboring room a certain sharp +ringing clatter, and a hard clear voice cries out, "Zero rouge," or +"Trente-cinq noir. Impair et passe." And then there is a pause of a +couple of minutes, and then the voice says, "Faites le jeu, Messieurs. +Le jeu est fait, rien ne va plus"--and the sharp ringing clatter +recommences. You know what that room is? That is Hades. That is where +the spirited proprietor of the establishment takes his toll, and thither +the people go who pay the money which supports the spirited proprietor +of this fine palace and gardens. Let us enter Hades, and see what is +going on there. + +Hades is not an unpleasant place. Most of the people look rather +cheerful. You don't see any frantic gamblers gnashing their teeth or +dashing down their last stakes. The winners have the most anxious faces; +or the poor shabby fellows who have got systems, and are pricking down +the alternations of red and black on cards, and don't seem to be playing +at all. On fete days the country people come in, men and women, to +gamble; and THEY seem to be excited as they put down their hard-earned +florins with trembling rough hands, and watch the turn of the wheel. But +what you call the good company is very quiet and easy. A man loses his +mass of gold, and gets up and walks off, without any particular mark of +despair. The only gentleman whom I saw at Noirbourg who seemed really +affected was a certain Count de Mustacheff, a Russian of enormous +wealth, who clenched his fists, beat his breast, cursed his stars, and +absolutely cried with grief: not for losing money, but for neglecting to +win and play upon a coup de vingt, a series in which the red was turned +up twenty times running: which series, had he but played, it is +clear that he might have broken M. Lenoir's bank, and shut up the +gambling-house, and doubled his own fortune--when he would have been no +happier, and all the balls and music, all the newspaper-rooms and parks, +all the feasting and pleasure of this delightful Rougetnoirbourg would +have been at an end. + +For though he is a wicked gambling prince, Lenoir, he is beloved in +all these regions; his establishment gives life to the town, to the +lodging-house and hotel-keepers, to the milliners and hackney-coachmen, +to the letters of horse-flesh, to the huntsmen and gardes-de-chasse; to +all these honest fiddlers and trumpeters who play so delectably. Were +Lenoir's bank to break, the whole little city would shut up; and all the +Noirbourgers wish him prosperity, and benefit by his good fortune. + +Three years since the Noirbourgers underwent a mighty panic. There +came, at a time when the chief Lenoir was at Paris, and the reins +of government were in the hands of his younger brother, a company of +adventurers from Belgium, with a capital of three hundred thousand +francs, and an infallible system for playing rouge et noir, and they +boldly challenged the bank of Lenoir, and sat down before his croupiers, +and defied him. They called themselves in their pride the Contrebanque +de Noirbourg: they had their croupiers and punters, even as Lenoir +had his: they had their rouleaux of Napoleons, stamped with their +Contrebanquish seal:--and they began to play. + +As when two mighty giants step out of a host and engage, the armies +stand still in expectation, and the puny privates and commonalty remain +quiet to witness the combat of the tremendous champions of the war: so +it is said that when the Contrebanque arrived, and ranged itself before +the officers of Lenoir--rouleau to rouleau, bank-note to bank-note, war +for war, controlment for controlment--all the minor punters and gamblers +ceased their peddling play, and looked on in silence, round the verdant +plain where the great combat was to be decided. + +Not used to the vast operations of war, like his elder brother, Lenoir +junior, the lieutenant, telegraphed to his absent chief the news of the +mighty enemy who had come down upon him, asked for instructions, and in +the meanwhile met the foe-man like a man. The Contrebanque of Noirbourg +gallantly opened its campaign. + +The Lenoir bank was defeated day after day, in numerous savage +encounters. The tactics of the Contrebanquist generals were +irresistible: their infernal system bore down everything before it, and +they marched onwards terrible and victorious as the Macedonian phalanx. +Tuesday, a loss of eighteen thousand florins; Wednesday, a loss of +twelve thousand florins; Thursday, a loss of forty thousand florins: +night after night, the young Lenoir had to chronicle these disasters +in melancholy despatches to his chief. What was to be done? Night after +night, the Noirbourgers retired home doubtful and disconsolate; the +horrid Contrebanquists gathered up their spoils and retired to a +victorious supper. How was it to end? + +Far away at Paris, the elder Lenoir answered these appeals of his +brother by sending reinforcements of money. Chests of gold arrived for +the bank. The Prince of Noirbourg bade his beleaguered lieutenant not to +lose heart: he himself never for a moment blenched in this trying hour +of danger. + +The Contrebanquists still went on victorious. Rouleau after rouleau fell +into their possession. At last the news came: The Emperor has joined +the Grand Army. Lenoir himself had arrived from Paris, and was once more +among his children, his people. The daily combats continued: and +still, still, though Napoleon was with the Eagles, the abominable +Contrebanquists fought and conquered. And far greater than Napoleon, as +great as Ney himself under disaster, the bold Lenoir never lost courage, +never lost good-humor, was affable, was gentle, was careful of his +subjects' pleasures and comforts, and met an adverse fortune with a +dauntless smile. + +With a devilish forbearance and coolness, the atrocious +Contrebanque--like Polyphemus, who only took one of his prisoners out +of the cave at a time, and so ate them off at leisure--the horrid +Contrebanquists, I say, contented themselves with winning so much before +dinner, and so much before supper--say five thousand florins for each +meal. They played and won at noon: they played and won at eventide. They +of Noirbourg went home sadly every night: the invader was carrying all +before him. What must have been the feelings of the great Lenoir? What +were those of Washington before Trenton, when it seemed all up with the +cause of American Independence; what those of the virgin Elizabeth, +when the Armada was signalled; what those of Miltiades, when the +multitudinous Persian bore down on Marathon? The people looked on at +the combat, and saw their chieftain stricken, bleeding, fallen, fighting +still. + +At last there came one day when the Contrebanquists had won their +allotted sum, and were about to leave the tables which they had swept +so often. But pride and lust of gold had seized upon the heart of one of +their vainglorious chieftains; and he said, "Do not let us go yet--let +us win a thousand florins more!" So they stayed and set the bank yet +a thousand florins. The Noirbourgers looked on, and trembled for their +prince. + +Some three hours afterwards--a shout, a mighty shout was heard around +the windows of that palace: the town, the gardens, the hills, the +fountains took up and echoed the jubilant acclaim. Hip, hip, hip, +hurrah, hurrah, hurrah! People rushed into each other's arms; men, +women, and children cried and kissed each other. Croupiers, who never +feel, who never tremble, who never care whether black wins or red loses, +took snuff from each other's boxes, and laughed for joy; and Lenoir the +dauntless, the INVINCIBLE Lenoir, wiped the drops of perspiration from +his calm forehead, as he drew the enemy's last rouleau into his till. He +had conquered. The Persians were beaten, horse and foot--the Armada had +gone down. Since Wellington shut up his telescope at Waterloo, when the +Prussians came charging on to the field, and the Guard broke and fled, +there had been no such heroic endurance, such utter defeat, such signal +and crowning victory. Vive Lenoir! I am a Lenoirite. I have read his +newspapers, strolled in his gardens, listened to his music, and rejoice +in his victory: I am glad he beat those Contrebanquists. Dissipati sunt. +The game is up with them. + + +The instances of this man's magnanimity are numerous, and worthy of +Alexander the Great, or Harry the Fifth, or Robin Hood. Most gentle is +he, and thoughtful to the poor, and merciful to the vanquished. +When Jeremy Diddler, who had lost twenty pounds at his table, lay in +inglorious pawn at his inn--when O'Toole could not leave Noirbourg until +he had received his remittances from Ireland--the noble Lenoir +paid Diddler's inn bill, advanced O'Toole money upon his well-known +signature, franked both of them back to their native country again; and +has never, wonderful to state, been paid from that day to this. If you +will go play at his table, you may; but nobody forces you. If you lose, +pay with a cheerful heart. Dulce est desipere in loco. This is not a +treatise of morals. Friar Tuck was not an exemplary ecclesiastic, nor +Robin Hood a model man; but he was a jolly outlaw; and I dare say the +Sheriff of Nottingham, whose money he took, rather relished his feast at +Robin's green table. + +And if you lose, worthy friend, as possibly you will, at Lenoir's pretty +games, console yourself by thinking that it is much better for you in +the end that you should lose, than that you should win. Let me, for my +part, make a clean breast of it, and own that your humble servant did, +on one occasion, win a score of Napoleons; and beginning with a sum of +no less than five shillings. But until I had lost them again I was so +feverish, excited, and uneasy, that I had neither delectation in +reading the most exciting French novels, nor pleasure in seeing pretty +landscapes, nor appetite for dinner. The moment, however, that graceless +money was gone, equanimity was restored: Paul Feval and Eugene Sue began +to be terrifically interesting again; and the dinners at Noirbourg, +though by no means good culinary specimens, were perfectly sufficient +for my easy and tranquil mind. Lankin, who played only a lawyer's rubber +at whist, marked the salutary change in his friend's condition; and, +for my part, I hope and pray that every honest reader of this volume +who plays at M. Lenoir's table will lose every shilling of his winnings +before he goes away. Where are the gamblers whom we have read of? Where +are the card-players whom we can remember in our early days? At one +time almost every gentleman played, and there were whist-tables in every +lady's drawing-room. But trumps are going out along with numbers of +old-world institutions; and, before very long, a blackleg will be as +rare an animal as a knight in armor. + +There was a little dwarfish, abortive, counter bank set up at Noirbourg +this year: but the gentlemen soon disagreed among themselves; and, let +us hope, were cut off in detail by the great Lenoir. And there was a +Frenchman at our inn who had won two Napoleons per day for the last six +weeks, and who had an infallible system, whereof he kindly offered to +communicate the secret for the consideration of a hundred louis; but +there came one fatal night when the poor Frenchman's system could +not make head against fortune, and her wheel went over him, and he +disappeared utterly. + + +With the early morning everybody rises and makes his or her appearance +at the Springs, where they partake of water with a wonderful energy and +perseverance. They say that people get to be fond of this water at last; +as to what tastes cannot men accustom themselves? I drank a couple of +glasses of an abominable sort of feeble salts in a state of very gentle +effervescence; but, though there was a very pretty girl who served it, +the drink was abominable, and it was a marvel to see the various topers, +who tossed off glass after glass, which the fair-haired little Hebe +delivered sparkling from the well. + +Seeing my wry faces, old Captain Carver expostulated, with a jolly +twinkle of his eye, as he absorbed the contents of a sparkling crystal +beaker. "Pooh! take another glass, sir: you'll like it better and better +every day. It refreshes you, sir: it fortifies you: and as for liking +it--gad! I remember the time when I didn't like claret. Times are +altered now, ha! ha! Mrs. Fantail, madam, I wish you a very good +morning. How is Fantail? He don't come to drink the water: so much the +worse for him." + +To see Mrs. Fantail of an evening is to behold a magnificent sight. +She ought to be shown in a room by herself; and, indeed, would occupy +a moderate-sized one with her person and adornments. Marie Antoinette's +hoop is not bigger than Mrs. Fantail's flounces. Twenty men taking hands +(and, indeed, she likes to have at least that number about her) would +scarcely encompass her. Her chestnut ringlets spread out in a halo +round her face: she must want two or three coiffeurs to arrange that +prodigious head-dress; and then, when it is done, how can she endure +that extraordinary gown? Her travelling bandboxes must be as large as +omnibuses. + +But see Mrs. Fantail in the morning, having taken in all sail: the +chestnut curls have disappeared, and two limp bands of brown hair border +her lean, sallow face; you see before you an ascetic, a nun, a woman +worn by mortifications, of a sad yellow aspect, drinking salts at the +well: a vision quite different from that rapturous one of the previous +night's ball-room. No wonder Fantail does not come out of a morning; he +had rather not see such a Rebecca at the well. + +Lady Kicklebury came for some mornings pretty regularly, and was very +civil to Mr. Leader, and made Miss Fanny drink when his lordship took a +cup, and asked Lord Talboys and his tutor to dinner. But the tutor came, +and, blushing, brought an excuse from Talboys; and poor Milliken had not +a very pleasant evening after Mr. Baring Leader rose to go away. + +But though the water was not good the sun was bright, the music cheery, +the landscape fresh and pleasant, and it was always amusing to see the +vast varieties of our human species that congregated at the Springs, and +trudged up and down the green allees. One of the gambling conspirators +of the roulette-table it was good to see here, in his private character, +drinking down pints of salts like any other sinner, having a homely +wife on his arm, and between them a poodle on which they lavished their +tenderest affection. You see these people care for other things besides +trumps; and are not always thinking about black and red:--as even ogres +are represented, in their histories, as of cruel natures, and licentious +appetites, and, to be sure, fond of eating men and women; but yet it +appears that their wives often respected them, and they had a sincere +liking for their own hideous children. And, besides the card-players, +there are band-players: every now and then a fiddle from the neighboring +orchestra, or a disorganized bassoon, will step down and drink a glass +of the water, and jump back into his rank again. + +Then come the burly troops of English, the honest lawyers, merchants, +and gentlemen, with their wives and buxom daughters, and stout sons, +that, almost grown to the height of manhood, are boys still, with rough +wide-awake hats and shooting-jackets, full of lark and laughter. A +French boy of sixteen has had des passions ere that time, very likely, +and is already particular in his dress, an ogler of the women, and +preparing to kill. Adolphe says to Alphonse--"La voila cette charmante +Miss Fanni, la belle Kickleburi! je te donne ma parole, elle est fraiche +comme une rose! la crois-tu riche, Alphonse?" "Je me range, mon ami, +vois-tu? La vie de garcon me pese. Ma parole d'honneur! je me range." + +And he gives Miss Fanny a killing bow, and a glance which seems to say, +"Sweet Anglaise, I know that I have won your heart." + +Then besides the young French buck, whom we will willingly suppose +harmless, you see specimens of the French raff, who goes aux eaux: +gambler, speculator, sentimentalist, duellist, travelling with madame +his wife, at whom other raffs nod and wink familiarly. This rogue is +much more picturesque and civilized than the similar person in our own +country: whose manners betray the stable; who never reads anything but +Bell's Life; and who is much more at ease in conversing with a groom +than with his employer. Here come Mr. Boucher and Mr. Fowler: better to +gamble for a score of nights with honest Monsieur Lenoir, than to sit +down in private once with those gentlemen. But we have said that their +profession is going down, and the number of Greeks daily diminishes. +They are travelling with Mr. Bloundell, who was a gentleman once, and +still retains about him some faint odor of that time of bloom; and +Bloundell has put himself on young Lord Talboys, and is trying to get +some money out of that young nobleman. But the English youth of the +present day is a wide-awake youth, and male or female artifices are +expended pretty much in vain on our young travelling companion. + +Who come yonder? Those two fellows whom we met at the table-d'hote at +the "Hotel de Russie" the other day: gentlemen of splendid costume, and +yet questionable appearances, the eldest of whom called for the list of +wines, and cried out loud enough for all the company to hear, "Lafite, +six florins. 'Arry, shall we have some Lafite? You don't mind? No more +do I then. I say, waiter, let's 'ave a pint of ordinaire." Truth is +stranger than fiction. You good fellow, wherever you are, why did +you ask 'Arry to 'ave that pint of ordinaire in the presence of your +obedient servant? How could he do otherwise than chronicle the speech? + +And see: here is a lady who is doubly desirous to be put into print, who +encourages it and invites it. It appears that on Lankin's first arrival +at Noirbourg with his travelling companion, a certain sensation was +created in the little society by the rumor that an emissary of the +famous Mr. Punch had arrived in the place; and, as we were smoking the +cigar of peace on the lawn after dinner, looking on at the benevolent, +pretty scene, Mrs. Hopkins, Miss Hopkins, and the excellent head of the +family, walked many times up and down before us; eyed us severely face +to face, and then walking away, shot back fierce glances at us in the +Parthian manner; and at length, at the third or fourth turn, and when +we could not but overhear so fine a voice, Mrs. Hopkins looks at us +steadily, and says, "I'm sure he may put ME in if he likes: I don't +mind." + +Oh, ma'am! Oh, Mrs. Hopkins! how should a gentleman, who had never seen +your face or heard of you before, want to put YOU in? What interest can +the British public have in you? But as you wish it, and court publicity, +here you are. Good luck go with you, madam. I have forgotten your real +name, and should not know you again if I saw you. But why could not you +leave a man to take his coffee and smoke his pipe in quiet? + +We could never have time to make a catalogue of all the portraits that +figure in this motley gallery. Among the travellers in Europe, who are +daily multiplying in numbers and increasing in splendor, the United +States' dandies must not be omitted. They seem as rich as the Milor of +old days; they crowd in European capitals; they have elbowed out people +of the old country from many hotels which we used to frequent; they +adopt the French fashion of dressing rather than ours, and they grow +handsomer beards than English beards: as some plants are found to +flourish and shoot up prodigiously when introduced into a new soil. The +ladies seem to be as well dressed as Parisians, and as handsome; though +somewhat more delicate, perhaps, than the native English roses. They +drive the finest carriages, they keep the grandest houses, they frequent +the grandest company--and, in a word, the Broadway Swell has now taken +his station and asserted his dignity amongst the grandees of Europe. +He is fond of asking Count Reineck to dinner, and Grafinn Laura will +condescend to look kindly upon a gentleman who has millions of dollars. +Here comes a pair of New Yorkers. Behold their elegant curling +beards, their velvet coats, their delicate primrose gloves and cambric +handkerchiefs, and the aristocratic beauty of their boots. Why, if you +had sixteen quarterings, you could not have smaller feet than those; and +if you were descended from a line of kings you could not smoke better or +bigger cigars. + +Lady Kicklebury deigns to think very well of these young men, since she +has seen them in the company of grandees and heard how rich they are. +"Who is that very stylish-looking woman, to whom Mr. Washington Walker +spoke just now?" she asks of Kicklebury. + +Kicklebury gives a twinkle of his eye. "Oh, that, mother! that is Madame +La Princesse de Mogador--it's a French title." + +"She danced last night, and danced exceedingly well; I remarked her. +There's a very high-bred grace about the princess." + +"Yes, exceedingly. We'd better come on," says Kicklebury, blushing +rather as he returns the princess's nod. + +It is wonderful how large Kicklebury's acquaintance is. He has a word +and a joke, in the best German he can muster, for everybody--for the +high well-born lady, as for the German peasant maiden, or the pretty +little washerwoman, who comes full sail down the streets, a basket on +her head and one of Mrs. Fantail's wonderful gowns swelling on each arm. +As we were going to the Schloss-Garten I caught a sight of the rogue's +grinning face yesterday, close at little Gretel's ear under her basket; +but spying out his mother advancing, he dashed down a bystreet, and when +we came up with her, Gretel was alone. + +One but seldom sees the English and the holiday visitors in the ancient +parts of Noirbourg; they keep to the streets of new buildings and garden +villas, which have sprung up under the magic influence of M. Lenoir, +under the white towers and gables of the old German town. The Prince +of Trente et Quarante has quite overcome the old serene sovereign of +Noirbourg, whom one cannot help fancying a prince like a prince in a +Christmas pantomime--a burlesque prince with twopence-halfpenny for a +revenue, jolly and irascible, a prime-minister-kicking prince, fed upon +fabulous plum-puddings and enormous pasteboard joints, by cooks and +valets with large heads which never alter their grin. Not that this +portrait is from the life. Perhaps he has no life. Perhaps there is no +prince in the great white tower, that we see for miles before we enter +the little town. Perhaps he has been mediatized, and sold his kingdom +to Monsieur Lenoir. Before the palace of Lenoir there is a grove of +orange-trees in tubs, which Lenoir bought from another German prince; +who went straightway and lost the money, which he had been paid for his +wonderful orange-trees, over Lenoir's green tables, at his roulette and +trente-et-quarante. A great prince is Lenoir in his way; a generous and +magnanimous prince. You may come to his feast and pay nothing, unless +you please. You may walk in his gardens, sit in his palace, and read +his thousand newspapers. You may go and play at whist in his small +drawing-rooms, or dance and hear concerts in his grand saloon--and there +is not a penny to pay. His fiddlers and trumpeters begin trumpeting and +fiddling for you at the early dawn--they twang and blow for you in the +afternoon, they pipe for you at night that you may dance--and there is +nothing to pay--Lenoir pays for all. Give him but the chances of the +table, and he will do all this and more. It is better to live under +Prince Lenoir than a fabulous old German Durchlaucht whose cavalry ride +wicker horses with petticoats, and whose prime minister has a great +pasteboard head. Vive le Prince Lenoir! + +There is a grotesque old carved gate to the palace of the Durchlaucht, +from which you could expect none but a pantomime procession to pass. +The place looks asleep; the courts are grass-grown and deserted. Is +the Sleeping Beauty lying yonder, in the great white tower? What is the +little army about? It seems a sham army: a sort of grotesque military. +The only charge of infantry was this: one day when passing through the +old town, looking for sketches. Perhaps they become croupiers at night. +What can such a fabulous prince want with anything but a sham army? +My favorite walk was in the ancient quarter of the town--the dear old +fabulous quarter, away from the noisy actualities of life and Prince +Lenoir's new palace--out of eye and earshot of the dandies and the +ladies in their grand best clothes at the promenades--and the rattling +whirl of the roulette wheel--and I liked to wander in the glum old +gardens under the palace wall, and imagine the Sleeping Beauty within +there. + +Some one persuaded us one day to break the charm, and see the interior +of the palace. I am sorry we did. There was no Sleeping Beauty in any +chamber that we saw; nor any fairies, good or malevolent. There was a +shabby set of clean old rooms, which looked as if they had belonged to +a prince hard put to it for money, and whose tin crown jewels would not +fetch more than King Stephen's pantaloons. A fugitive prince, a brave +prince struggling with the storms of fate, a prince in exile may +be poor; but a prince looking out of his own palace windows with a +dressing-gown out at elbows, and dunned by his subject washerwoman--I +say this is a painful object. When they get shabby they ought not to be +seen. "Don't you think so, Lady Kicklebury?" Lady Kicklebury evidently +had calculated the price of the carpets and hangings, and set them +justly down at a low figure. "These German princes," she said, "are not +to be put on a level with English noblemen." "Indeed," we answer, "there +is nothing so perfect as England: nothing so good as our aristocracy; +nothing so perfect as our institutions." "Nothing! NOTHING!" says Lady +K. + +An English princess was once brought to reign here; and almost the whole +of the little court was kept upon her dowry. The people still regard +her name fondly; and they show, at the Schloss, the rooms which she +inhabited. Her old books are still there--her old furniture brought from +home; the presents and keepsakes sent by her family are as they were in +the princess's lifetime: the very clock has the name of a Windsor maker +on its face; and portraits of all her numerous race decorate the homely +walls of the now empty chambers. There is the benighted old king, his +beard hanging down to the star on his breast; and the first gentleman +of Europe--so lavish of his portrait everywhere, and so chary of showing +his royal person--all the stalwart brothers of the now all but extinct +generation are there; their quarrels and their pleasures, their glories +and disgraces, enemies, flatterers, detractors, admirers--all now +buried. Is it not curious to think that the King of Trumps now virtually +reigns in this place, and has deposed the other dynasty? + +Very early one morning, wishing to have a sketch of the White Tower +in which our English princess had been imprisoned, I repaired to the +gardens, and set about a work, which, when completed, will no doubt +have the honor of a place on the line at the Exhibition; and, returning +homewards to breakfast, musing upon the strange fortunes and inhabitants +of the queer, fantastic, melancholy place, behold, I came suddenly upon +a couple of persons, a male and a female; the latter of whom wore a blue +hood or "ugly," and blushed very much on seeing me. The man began to +laugh behind his moustaches, the which cachinnation was checked by an +appealing look from the young lady; and he held out his hand and said, +"How d'ye do, Titmarsh? Been out making some cawickachaws, hay?" + +I need not say that the youth before me was the heavy dragoon, and that +the maiden was Miss Fanny Kicklebury. Or need I repeat that, in the +course of my blighted being, I never loved a young gazelle to glad +me with its dark blue eye, but when it came to, &c., the usual +disappointment, was sure to ensue? There is no necessity why I should +allude to my feelings at this most manifest and outrageous case. I gave +a withering glance of scorn at the pair, and, with a stately salutation, +passed on. + +Miss Fanny came tripping after me. She held out her little hand with +such a pretty look of deprecation, that I could not but take it; and +she said, "Mr. Titmarsh, if you please, I want to speak to you, if you +please;" and, choking with emotion, I bade her speak on. + +"My brother knows all about it, and, highly approves of Captain Hicks," +she said, with her head hanging down; "and oh, he's very good and kind: +and I know him MUCH better now, than I did when we were on board the +steamer." + +I thought how I had mimicked him, and what an ass I had been. + +"And you know," she continued, "that you have quite deserted me for the +last ten days for your great acquaintances." + +"I have been to play chess with Lord Knightsbridge, who has the gout." + +"And to drink tea constantly with that American lady; and you have +written verses in her album; and in Lavinia's album; and as I saw that +you had quite thrown me off, why I--my brother approves of it highly; +and--and Captain Hicks likes you very much, and says you amuse him very +much--indeed he does," says the arch little wretch. And then she added +a postscript, as it were to her letter, which contained, as usual, the +point which she wished to urge:-- + +"You--won't break it to mamma--will you be so kind? My brother will do +that"--and I promised her; and she ran away, kissing her hand to me. And +I did not say a word to Lady Kicklebury, and not above a thousand people +at Noirbourg knew that Miss Kicklebury and Captain Hicks were engaged. + + +And now let those who are too confident of their virtue listen to +the truthful and melancholy story which I have to relate, and humble +themselves, and bear in mind that the most perfect among us are +occasionally liable to fall. Kicklebury was not perfect,--I do not +defend his practice. He spent a great deal more time and money than was +good for him at M. Lenoir's gaming-table, and the only thing which the +young fellow never lost was his good humor. If Fortune shook her swift +wings and fled away from him, he laughed at the retreating pinions, and +you saw him dancing and laughing as gayly after losing a rouleau, as if +he was made of money, and really had the five thousand a year which +his mother said was the amount of the Kicklebury property. But when her +ladyship's jointure, and the young ladies' allowances, and the interest +of mortgages were paid out of the five thousand a year, I grieve to say +that the gallant Kicklebury's income was to be counted by hundreds and +not by thousands; so that, for any young lady who wants a carriage (and +who can live without one?) our friend the baronet is not a desirable +specimen of bachelors. Now, whether it was that the presence of his +mamma interrupted his pleasures, or certain of her ways did not please +him, or that he had lost all his money at roulette and could afford no +more, certain it is, that after about a fortnight's stay at Noirbourg, +he went off to shoot with Count Einhorn in Westphalia; he and Hicks +parting the dearest of friends, and the baronet going off on a +pony which the captain lent to him. Between him and Millikin, his +brother-in-law, there was not much sympathy: for he pronounced Mr. +Milliken to be what is called a muff; and had never been familiar with +his elder sister Lavinia, of whose poems he had a mean opinion, and who +used to tease and worry him by teaching him French, and telling tales +of him to his mamma, when he was a schoolboy home for the holidays. +Whereas, between the baronet and Miss Fanny there seemed to be the +closest affection: they walked together every morning to the waters; +they joked and laughed with each other as happily as possible. Fanny was +almost ready to tell fibs to screen her brother's malpractices from her +mamma: she cried when she heard of his mishaps, and that he had lost too +much money at the green table; and when Sir Thomas went away, the good +little soul brought him five louis; which was all the money she had: +for you see she paid her mother handsomely for her board; and when her +little gloves and milliner's bills were settled how much was there left +out of two hundred a year? And she cried when she heard that Hicks had +lent Sir Thomas money, and went up and said, "Thank you, Captain Hicks;" +and shook hands with the captain so eagerly, that I thought he was +a lucky fellow, who had a father a wealthy attorney in Bedford Row. +Heighho! I saw how matters were going. The birds MUST sing in the +spring-time, and the flowers bud. + +Mrs. Milliken, in her character of invalid, took the advantage of her +situation to have her husband constantly about her, reading to her, or +fetching the doctor to her, or watching her whilst she was dozing, and +so forth; and Lady Kicklebury found the life which this pair led rather +more monotonous than that sort of existence which she liked, and would +leave them alone with Fanny (Captain Hicks not uncommonly coming in to +take tea with the three), whilst her ladyship went to the Redoute to +hear the music, or read the papers, or play a game of whist there. + +The newspaper-room at Noirbourg is next to the roulette-room, into which +the doors are always open; and Lady K. would come, with newspaper in +hand, into this play-room, sometimes, and look on at the gamesters. +I have mentioned a little Russian boy, a little imp with the most +mischievous intelligence and good humor in his face, who was suffered by +his parents to play as much as he chose, and who pulled bonbons out of +one pocket and Napoleons out of the other, and seemed to have quite a +diabolical luck at the table. + +Lady Kicklebury's terror and interest at seeing this boy were extreme. +She watched him and watched him, and he seemed always to win; and at +last her ladyship put down just a florin--only just one florin--on one +of the numbers at roulette which the little Russian imp was backing. +Number twenty-seven came up, and the croupiers flung over three gold +pieces and five florins to Lady Kicklebury, which she raked up with a +trembling hand. + +She did not play any more that night, but sat in the playroom, +pretending to read the Times newspaper; but you could see her eye +peering over the sheet, and always fixed on the little imp of a Russian. +He had very good luck that night, and his winning made her very savage. +As he retired, rolling his gold pieces into his pocket and sucking his +barley-sugar, she glared after him with angry eyes; and went home, and +scolded everybody, and had no sleep. I could hear her scolding. Our +apartments in the Tissisch House overlooked Lady Kicklebury's suite of +rooms: the great windows were open in the autumn. Yes; I could hear her +scolding, and see some other people sitting whispering in the embrasure, +or looking out on the harvest moon. + +The next evening, Lady Kicklebury shirked away from the concert; and I +saw her in the play-room again, going round and round the table; and, +lying in ambush behind the Journal des Debats, I marked how, after +looking stealthily round, my lady whipped a piece of money under the +croupier's elbow, and (there having been no coin there previously) I saw +a florin on the Zero. + +She lost that, and walked away. Then she came back and put down two +florins on a number, and lost again, and became very red and angry; then +she retreated, and came back a third time, and a seat being vacated by a +player, Lady Kicklebury sat down at the verdant board. Ah me! She had +a pretty good evening, and carried off a little money again that night. +The next day was Sunday: she gave two florins at the collection at +church, to Fanny's surprise at mamma's liberality. On this night of +course there was no play. Her ladyship wrote letters, and read a sermon. + +But the next night she was back at the table; and won very plentifully, +until the little Russian sprite made his appearance, when it seemed that +her luck changed. She began to bet upon him, and the young Calmuck lost +too. Her ladyship's temper went along with her money: first she backed +the Calmuck, and then she played against him. When she played against +him, his luck turned; and he began straightway to win. She put on more +and more money as she lost: her winnings went: gold came out of secret +pockets. She had but a florin left at last, and tried it on a number, +and failed. She got up to go away. I watched her, and I watched Mr. +Justice Aeacus, too, who put down a Napoleon when he thought nobody was +looking. + +The next day my Lady Kicklebury walked over to the money-changers, where +she changed a couple of circular notes. She was at the table that night +again: and the next night, and the next night, and the next. + +By about the fifth day she was like a wild woman. She scolded so, that +Hirsch, the courier, said he should retire from monsieur's service, as +he was not hired by Lady Kicklebury: that Bowman gave warning, and told +another footman in the building that he wouldn't stand the old cat no +longer, blow him if he would: that the maid (who was a Kicklebury girl) +and Fanny cried: and that Mrs. Milliken's maid, Finch, complained to +her mistress, who ordered her husband to remonstrate with her mother. +Milliken remonstrated with his usual mildness, and, of course, was +routed by her ladyship. Mrs. Milliken said, "Give me the daggers," and +came to her husband's rescue. A battle royal ensued; the scared Milliken +hanging about his blessed Lavinia, and entreating and imploring her to +be calm. Mrs. Milliken WAS calm. She asserted her dignity as mistress +of her own family: as controller of her own household, as wife of her +adored husband; and she told her mamma, that with her or here she must +not interfere; that she knew her duty as a child: but that she also knew +it as a wife, as a-- The rest of the sentence was drowned, as Milliken, +rushing to her, called her his soul's angel, his adored blessing. + +Lady Kicklebury remarked that Shakspeare was very right in stating how +much sharper than a thankless tooth it is to have a serpent child. + +Mrs. Milliken said, the conversation could not be carried on in this +manner: that it was best her mamma should now know, once for all, that +the way in which she assumed the command at Pigeoncot was intolerable; +that all the servants had given warning, and it was with the greatest +difficulty they could be soothed: and that, as their living together +only led to quarrels and painful recriminations (the calling her, after +her forbearance, A SERPENT CHILD, was an expression which she would hope +to forgive and forget,) they had better part. + +Lady Kicklebury wears a front, and, I make no doubt, a complete jasey; +or she certainly would have let down her back hair at this minute, so +overpowering were her feelings, and so bitter her indignation at her +daughter's black ingratitude. She intimated some of her sentiments, by +ejaculatory conjurations of evil. She hoped her daughter might NOT feel +what ingratitude was; that SHE might never have children to turn on her +and bring her to the grave with grief. + +"Bring me to the grave with fiddlestick!" Mrs. Milliken said with some +asperity. "And, as we are going to part, mamma, and as Horace has paid +EVERYTHING on the journey as yet, and we have only brought a VERY few +circular notes with us, perhaps you will have the kindness to give him +your share of the travelling expenses--for you, for Fanny, and your +two servants whom you WOULD bring with you: and the man has only been a +perfect hindrance and great useless log, and our courier has had to do +EVERYTHING. Your share is now eighty-two pounds." + +Lady Kicklebury at this gave three screams, so loud that even the +resolute Lavinia stopped in her speech. Her ladyship looked wildly: +"Lavinia! Horace! Fanny my child," she said, "come here, and listen to +your mother's shame." + +"What?" cried Horace, aghast. + +"I am ruined! I am a beggar! Yes; a beggar. I have lost all--all at +yonder dreadful table." + +"How do you mean all? How much is all?" asked Horace. + +"All the money I brought with me, Horace. I intended to have paid +the whole expenses of the journey: yours, this ungrateful +child's--everything. But, a week ago, having seen a lovely baby's lace +dress at the lace-shop; and--and--won enough at wh--wh--whoo--ist to +pay for it, all but two--two florins--in an evil moment I went to the +roulette-table--and lost--every shilling: and now, on may knees before +you, I confess my shame." + +I am not a tragic painter, and certainly won't attempt to depict THIS +harrowing scene. But what could she mean by saying she wished to pay +everything? She had but two twenty-pound notes: and how she was to +have paid all the expenses of the tour with that small sum, I cannot +conjecture. + +The confession, however, had the effect of mollifying poor Milliken and +his wife: after the latter had learned that her mamma had no money at +all at her London bankers', and had overdrawn her account there, +Lavinia consented that Horace should advance her fifty pounds upon her +ladyship's solemn promise of repayment. + +And now it was agreed that this highly respectable lady should return +to England, quick as she might: somewhat sooner than all the rest of the +public did; and leave Mr. and Mrs. Horace Milliken behind her, as the +waters were still considered highly salutary to that most interesting +invalid. And to England Lady Kicklebury went; taking advantage of +Lord Talboys' return thither to place herself under his lordship's +protection; as if the enormous Bowman was not protector sufficient for +her ladyship; and as if Captain Hicks would have allowed any mortal man, +any German student, any French tourist, any Prussian whiskerando, to do +a harm to Miss Fanny! For though Hicks is not a brilliant or poetical +genius, I am bound to say that the fellow has good sense, good manners, +and a good heart; and with these qualities, a competent sum of money, +and a pair of exceedingly handsome moustaches, perhaps the poor little +Mrs. Launcelot Hicks may be happy. + + +No accident befell Lady Kicklebury on her voyage homewards: but she got +one more lesson at Aix-la-Chapelle, which may serve to make her ladyship +more cautious for the future: for, seeing Madame la Princesse de Mogador +enter into a carriage on the railway, into which Lord Talboys followed, +nothing would content Lady Kicklebury but to rush into the carriage +after this noble pair; and the vehicle turned out to be what is called +on the German lines, and what I wish were established in England, the +Rauch Coupe. Having seated himself in this vehicle, and looked rather +sulkily at my lady, Lord Talboys began to smoke: which, as the son of +an English earl, heir to many thousands per annum, Lady Kicklebury +permitted him to do. And she introduced herself to Madame la Princesse +de Mogador, mentioning to her highness that she had the pleasure of +meeting Madame la Princesse at Rougetnoirbourg; that she, Lady K., was +the mother of the Chevalier de Kicklebury, who had the advantage of +the acquaintance of Madame la Princesse; and that she hoped Madame la +Princesse had enjoyed her stay at the waters. To these advances +the Princess of Mogador returned a gracious and affable salutation, +exchanging glances of peculiar meaning with two highly respectable +bearded gentlemen who travelled in her suite; and, when asked by milady +whereabouts her highness's residence was at Paris, said that her hotel +was in the Rue Notre Dame de Lorette: where Lady Kicklebury hoped to +have the honor of waiting upon Madame la Princesse de Mogador. + +But when one of the bearded gentlemen called the princess by the +familiar name of Fifine, and the other said, "Veux-tu fumer, Mogador?" +and the princess actually took a cigar and began to smoke, Lady +Kicklebury was aghast, and trembled; and presently Lord Talboys burst +into a loud fit of laughter. + +"What is the cause of your lordship's amusement?" asked the dowager, +looking very much frightened, and blushing like a maiden of sixteen. + +"Excuse me, Lady Kicklebury, but I can't help it," he said. "You've +been talking to your opposite neighbor--she don't understand a word +of English--and calling her princess and highness, and she's no more +a princess than you or I. She is a little milliner in the street she +mentioned, and she dances at Mabille and Chateau Rouge." + +Hearing these two familiar names, the princess looked hard at Lord +Talboys, but he never lost countenance; and at the next station Lady +Kicklebury rushed out of the smoking-carriage and returned to her own +place; where, I dare say, Captain Hicks and Miss Fanny were delighted +once more to have the advantage of her company and conversation. And so +they went back to England, and the Kickleburys were no longer seen on +the Rhine. If her ladyship is not cured of hunting after great people, +it will not be for want of warning: but which of us in life has not had +many warnings: and is it for lack of them that we stick to our little +failings still? + + +When the Kickleburys were gone, that merry little Rougetnoirbourg did +not seem the same place to me, somehow. The sun shone still, but the +wind came down cold from the purple hills; the band played, but their +tunes were stale; the promenaders paced the alleys, but I knew all their +faces: as I looked out of my windows in the Tissisch house upon the +great blank casements lately occupied by the Kickleburys, and remembered +what a pretty face I had seen looking thence but a few days back, I +cared not to look any longer; and though Mrs. Milliken did invite me to +tea, and talked fine arts and poetry over the meal, both the beverage +and the conversation seemed very weak and insipid to me, and I fell +asleep once in my chair opposite that highly cultivated being. "Let us +go back, Lankin," said I to the Serjeant, and he was nothing loth; +for most of the other serjeants, barristers, and Queen's counsel were +turning homewards, by this time, the period of term time summoning them +all to the Temple. + + +So we went straight one day to Biberich on the Rhine, and found the +little town full of Britons, all trooping home like ourselves. Everybody +comes, and everybody goes away again, at about the same time. The +Rhine innkeepers say that their customers cease with a single day +almost:--that in three days they shall have ninety, eighty, a hundred +guests; on the fourth, ten or eight. We do as our neighbors do. Though +we don't speak to each other much when we are out a-pleasuring, we take +our holiday in common, and go back to our work in gangs. Little Biberich +was so full, that Lankin and I could not get rooms at the large inns +frequented by other persons of fashion, and could only procure a room +between us, "at the German House, where you find English comfort," says +the advertisement, "with German prices." + +But oh, the English comfort of those beds! How did Lankin manage in +his, with his great long legs? How did I toss and tumble in mine; which, +small as it was, I was not destined to enjoy alone, but to pass the +night in company with anthropophagous wretched reptiles, who took their +horrid meal off an English Christian! I thought the morning would never +come; and when the tardy dawn at length arrived, and as I was in my +first sleep, dreaming of Miss Fanny, behold I was wakened up by the +Serjeant, already dressed and shaven, and who said, "Rise, Titmarsh, +the steamer will be here in three-quarters of an hour." And the modest +gentleman retired, and left me to dress. + + +The next morning we had passed by the rocks and towers, the old familiar +landscapes, the gleaming towns by the riverside, and the green vineyards +combed along the hills, and when I woke up, it was at a great hotel at +Cologne, and it was not sunrise yet. + +Deutz lay opposite, and over Deutz the dusky sky was reddened. The hills +were veiled in the mist and the gray. The gray river flowed underneath +us; the steamers were roosting along the quays, a light keeping watch in +the cabins here and there, and its reflections quivering in the water. +As I look, the sky-line towards the east grows redder and redder. A long +troop of gray horsemen winds down the river road, and passes over the +bridge of boats. You might take them for ghosts, those gray horsemen, +so shadowy do they look; but you hear the trample of their hoofs as +they pass over the planks. Every minute the dawn twinkles up into the +twilight; and over Deutz the heaven blushes brighter. The quays begin +to fill with men: the carts begin to creak and rattle, and wake the +sleeping echoes. Ding, ding, ding, the steamers' bells begin to ring: +the people on board to stir and wake: the lights may be extinguished, +and take their turn of sleep: the active boats shake themselves, and +push out into the river: the great bridge opens, and gives them passage: +the church bells of the city begin to clink: the cavalry trumpets blow +from the opposite bank: the sailor is at the wheel, the porter at his +burden, the soldier at his musket, and the priest at his prayers. . . . + +And lo! in a flash of crimson splendor, with blazing scarlet clouds +running before his chariot, and heralding his majestic approach, God's +sun rises upon the world, and all nature wakens and brightens. + +O glorious spectacle of light and life! O beatific symbol of Power, +Love, Joy, Beauty! Let us look at thee with humble wonder, and +thankfully acknowledge and adore. What gracious forethought is it--what +generous and loving provision, that deigns to prepare for our eyes and +to soothe our hearts with such a splendid morning festival! For these +magnificent bounties of heaven to us, let us be thankful, even that we +can feel thankful--(for thanks surely is the noblest effort, as it is +the greatest delight, of the gentle soul)--and so, a grace for this +feast, let all say who partake of it. + +See! the mist clears off Drachenfels, and it looks out from the +distance, and bids us a friendly farewell. Farewell to holiday and +sunshine; farewell to kindly sport and pleasant leisure! Let us say +good-by to the Rhine, friend. Fogs, and cares, and labor are awaiting +us by the Thames; and a kind face or two looking out for us to cheer and +bid us welcome. + + + + +THE ROSE AND THE RING: + +A FIRE-SIDE PANTOMIME FOR GREAT AND SMALL CHILDREN. + + +BY MR. M. A. TITMARSH + + + +PRELUDE + + +It happened that the undersigned spent the last Christmas season in a +foreign city where there were many English children. + +In that city, if you wanted to give a child's party, you could not even +get a magic-lantern or buy Twelfth-Night characters--those funny painted +pictures of the King, the Queen, the Lover, the Lady, the Dandy, the +Captain, and so on--with which our young ones are wont to recreate +themselves at this festive time. + +My friend Miss Bunch, who was governess of a large family that lived in +the Piano Nobile of the house inhabited by myself and my young charges +(it was the Palazzo Poniatowski at Rome, and Messrs. Spillmann, two +of the best pastry-cooks in Christendom, have their shop on the ground +floor): Miss Bunch, I say, begged me to draw a set of Twelfth-Night +characters for the amusement of our young people. + +She is a lady of great fancy and droll imagination, and having looked +at the characters, she and I composed a history about them, which +was recited to the little folks at night, and served as our FIRE-SIDE +PANTOMIME. + +Our juvenile audience was amused by the adventures of Giglio and Bulbo, +Rosalba and Angelica. I am bound to say the fate of the Hall Porter +created a considerable sensation; and the wrath of Countess Gruffanuff +was received with extreme pleasure. + +If these children are pleased, thought I, why should not others be +amused also? In a few days Dr. Birch's young friends will be expected +to reassemble at Rodwell Regis, where they will learn everything that +is useful, and under the eyes of careful ushers continue the business of +their little lives. + +But, in the meanwhile, and for a brief holiday, let us laugh and be as +pleasant as we can. And you elder folk--a little joking, and dancing, +and fooling will do even you no harm. The author wishes you a merry +Christmas, and welcomes you to the Fire-side Pantomime. + +M. A. TITMARSH. + +December 1854. + + + +THE ROSE AND THE RING + + +I. SHOWS HOW THE ROYAL FAMILY SAT DOWN TO BREAKFAST + + +This is Valoroso XXIV., King of Paflagonia, seated with his Queen and +only child at their royal breakfast-table, and receiving the letter +which announces to his Majesty a proposed visit from Prince Bulbo, heir +of Padella, reigning King of Crim Tartary. Remark the delight upon the +monarch's royal features. He is so absorbed in the perusal of the King +of Crim Tartary's letter, that he allows his eggs to get cold, and +leaves his august muffins untasted. + +"What! that wicked, brave, delightful Prince Bulbo!" cries Princess +Angelica; "so handsome, so accomplished, so witty--the conqueror of +Rimbombamento, where he slew ten thousand giants!" + +"Who told you of him, my dear?" asks his Majesty. + +"A little bird," says Angelica. + +"Poor Giglio!" says mamma, pouring out the tea. + +"Bother Giglio!" cries Angelica, tossing up her head, which rustled with +a thousand curl-papers. + +"I wish," growls the King--"I wish Giglio was. . ." + +"Was better? Yes, dear, he is better," says the Queen. "Angelica's +little maid, Betsinda, told me so when she came to my room this morning +with my early tea." + +"You are always drinking tea," said the monarch, with a scowl. + +"It is better than drinking port or brandy-and-water," replies her +Majesty. + +"Well, well, my dear, I only said you were fond of drinking tea," said +the King of Paflagonia, with an effort as if to command his temper. +"Angelica! I hope you have plenty of new dresses; your milliners' bills +are long enough. My dear Queen, you must see and have some parties. I +prefer dinners, but of course you will be for balls. Your everlasting +blue velvet quite tires me: and, my love, I should like you to have a +new necklace. Order one. Not more than a hundred or a hundred and fifty +thousand pounds." + +"And Giglio, dear?" says the Queen. + +"GIGLIO MAY GO TO THE ----" + +"Oh, sir!" screams her Majesty. "Your own nephew! our late King's only +son." + +"Giglio may go to the tailor's, and order the bills to be sent in to +Glumboso to pay. Confound him! I mean bless his dear heart. He need want +for nothing; give him a couple of guineas for pocket-money, my dear; +and you may as well order yourself bracelets while you are about the +necklace, Mrs. V." + +Her Majesty, or MRS. V., as the monarch facetiously called her (for +even royalty will have its sport, and this august family were very +much attached), embraced her husband, and, twining her arm round her +daughter's waist, they quitted the breakfast-room in order to make all +things ready for the princely stranger. + +When they were gone, the smile that had lighted up the eyes of the +HUSBAND and FATHER fled--the pride of the KING fled--the MAN was alone. +Had I the pen of a G. P. R. James, I would describe Valoroso's torments +in the choicest language; in which I would also depict his flashing +eye, his distended nostril--his dressing-gown, pocket-handkerchief, and +boots. But I need not say I have NOT the pen of that novelist; suffice +it to say, Valoroso was alone. + +He rushed to the cupboard, seizing from the table one of the many +egg-cups with which his princely board was served for the matin meal, +drew out a bottle of right Nantz or Cognac, filled and emptied the cup +several times, and laid it down with a hoarse "Ha, ha, ha! now Valoroso +is a man again!" + +"But oh!" he went on (still sipping, I am sorry to say), "ere I was a +king, I needed not this intoxicating draught; once I detested the hot +brandy wine, and quaffed no other fount but nature's rill. It dashes not +more quickly o'er the rocks than I did, as, with blunderbuss in hand, +I brushed away the early morning dew, and shot the partridge, snipe, or +antlered deer! Ah! well may England's dramatist remark, 'Uneasy lies +the head that wears a crown!' Why did I steal my nephew's, my young +Giglio's--? Steal! said I? no, no, no, not steal, not steal. Let me +withdraw that odious expression. I took, and on my manly head I set, the +royal crown of Paflagonia; I took, and with my royal arm I wield, the +sceptral rod of Paflagonia; I took, and in my outstretched hand I hold, +the royal orb of Paflagonia! Could a poor boy, a snivelling, drivelling +boy--was in his nurse's arms but yesterday, and cried for sugarplums and +puled for pap--bear up the awful weight of crown, orb, sceptre? gird +on the sword my royal fathers wore, and meet in fight the tough Crimean +foe?" + +And then the monarch went on to argue in his own mind (though we need +not say that blank verse is not argument) that what he had got it was +his duty to keep, and that, if at one time he had entertained ideas of a +certain restitution, which shall be nameless, the prospect by a CERTAIN +MARRIAGE of uniting two crowns and two nations which had been engaged +in bloody and expensive wars, as the Paflagonians and the Crimeans had +been, put the idea of Giglio's restoration to the throne out of the +question: nay, were his own brother, King Savio, alive, he would +certainly will the crown from his own son in order to bring about such a +desirable union. + +Thus easily do we deceive ourselves! Thus do we fancy what we wish is +right! The King took courage, read the papers, finished his muffins +and eggs, and rang the bell for his Prime Minister. The Queen, after +thinking whether she should go up and see Giglio, who had been sick, +thought, "Not now. Business first; pleasure afterwards. I will go and +see dear Giglio this afternoon; and now I will drive to the jeweller's, +to look for the necklace and bracelets." The Princess went up into her +own room, and made Betsinda, her maid, bring out all her dresses; and +as for Giglio, they forgot him as much as I forget what I had for dinner +last Tuesday twelve-month. + + +II. HOW KING VALOROSO GOT THE CROWN, AND PRINCE GIGLIO WENT WITHOUT. + + +Paflagonia, ten or twenty thousand years ago, appears to have been one +of those kingdoms where the laws of succession were not settled; for +when King Savio died, leaving his brother Regent of the kingdom, and +guardian of Savio's orphan infant, this unfaithful regent took no sort +of regard of the late monarch's will; had himself proclaimed sovereign +of Paflagonia under the title of King Valoroso XXIV., had a most +splendid coronation, and ordered all the nobles of the kingdom to pay +him homage. So long as Valoroso gave them plenty of balls at Court, +plenty of money and lucrative places, the Paflagonian nobility did not +care who was king; and as for the people, in those early times, they +were equally indifferent. The Prince Giglio, by reason of his tender +age at his royal father's death, did not feel the loss of his crown and +empire. As long as he had plenty of toys and sweetmeats, a holiday +five times a week and a horse and gun to go out shooting when he grew +a little older, and, above all, the company of his darling cousin, the +King's only child, poor Giglio was perfectly contented; nor did he +envy his uncle the royal robes and sceptre, the great hot uncomfortable +throne of state, and the enormous cumbersome crown in which that monarch +appeared from morning till night. King Valoroso's portrait has been +left to us; and I think you will agree with me that he must have been +sometimes RATHER TIRED of his velvet, and his diamonds, and his ermine, +and his grandeur. I shouldn't like to sit in that stifling robe with +such a thing as that on my head. + +No doubt, the Queen must have been lovely in her youth; for though +she grew rather stout in after life, yet her features, as shown in her +portrait, are certainly PLEASING. If she was fond of flattery, scandal, +cards, and fine clothes, let us deal gently with her infirmities, which, +after all, may be no greater than our own. She was kind to her nephew; +and if she had any scruples of conscience about her husband's taking the +young Prince's crown, consoled herself by thinking that the King, though +a usurper, was a most respectable man, and that at his death Prince +Giglio would be restored to his throne, and share it with his cousin, +whom he loved so fondly. + +The Prime Minister was Glumboso, an old statesman, who most cheerfully +swore fidelity to King Valoroso, and in whose hands the monarch left +all the affairs of his kingdom. All Valoroso wanted was plenty of +money, plenty of hunting, plenty of flattery, and as little trouble as +possible. As long as he had his sport, this monarch cared little how +his people paid for it: he engaged in some wars, and of course +the Paflagonian newspapers announced that he had gained prodigious +victories: he had statues erected to himself in every city of the +empire; and of course his pictures placed everywhere, and in all the +print-shops: he was Valoroso the Magnanimous, Valoroso the Victorious, +Valoroso the Great, and so forth;--for even in these early times +courtiers and people knew how to flatter. + +This royal pair had one only child, the Princess Angelica, who, you may +be sure, was a paragon in the courtiers' eyes, in her parents', and in +her own. It was said she had the longest hair, the largest eyes, the +slimmest waist, the smallest foot, and the most lovely complexion of +any young lady in the Paflagonian dominions. Her accomplishments were +announced to be even superior to her beauty; and governesses used to +shame their idle pupils by telling them what Princess Angelica could do. +She could play the most difficult pieces of music at sight. She could +answer any one of "Mangnall's Questions." She knew every date in +the history of Paflagonia, and every other country. She knew French, +English, Italian, German, Spanish, Hebrew, Greek, Latin, Cappadocian, +Samothracian, Aegean, and Crim Tartar. In a word, she was a most +accomplished young creature; and her governess and lady-in-waiting was +the severe Countess Gruffanuff. + +Would you not fancy, from this picture, that Gruffanuff must have been a +person of highest birth? She looks so haughty that I should have thought +her a princess at the very least, with a pedigree reaching as far back +as the Deluge. But this lady was no better born than many other ladies +who give themselves airs; and all sensible people laughed at her absurd +pretensions. The fact is, she had been maid-servant to the Queen when +her Majesty was only Princess, and her husband had been head footman; +but after his death or DISAPPEARANCE, of which you shall hear presently, +this Mrs. Gruffanuff, by flattering, toadying, and wheedling her royal +mistress, became a favorite with the Queen (who was rather a weak +woman), and her Majesty gave her a title, and made her nursery governess +to the Princess. + +And now I must tell you about the Princess's learning and +accomplishments, for which she had such a wonderful character. Clever +Angelica certainly was, but as IDLE AS POSSIBLE. Play at sight, indeed! +she could play one or two pieces, and pretend that she had never seen +them before; she could answer half a dozen "Mangnall's Questions;" but +then you must take care to ask the RIGHT ones. As for her languages, +she had masters in plenty, but I doubt whether she knew more than a few +phrases in each, for all her presence; and as for her embroidery and her +drawing, she showed beautiful specimens, it is true, but WHO DID THEM? + +This obliges me to tell the truth, and to do so I must go back ever so +far, and tell you about the FAIRY BLACKSTICK. + + +III. TELLS WHO THE FAIRY BLACKSTICK WAS, AND WHO WERE EVER SO MANY GRAND +PERSONAGES BESIDES. + + +Between the kingdoms of Paflagonia and Crim Tartary, there lived a +mysterious personage, who was known in those countries as the Fairy +Blackstick, from the ebony wand or crutch which she carried; on which +she rode to the moon sometimes, or upon other excursions of business or +pleasure, and with which she performed her wonders. When she was young, +and had been first taught the art of conjuring by the necromancer, her +father, she was always practicing her skill, whizzing about from one +kingdom to another upon her black stick, and conferring her fairy favors +upon this Prince or that. She had scores of royal godchildren; turned +numberless wicked people into beasts, birds, millstones, clocks, pumps, +boot jacks, umbrellas, or other absurd shapes; and, in a word, was one +of the most active and officious of the whole college of fairies. + +But after two or three thousand years of this sport, I suppose +Blackstick grew tired of it. Or perhaps she thought, "What good am I +doing by sending this Princess to sleep for a hundred years? by fixing a +black pudding on to that booby's nose? by causing diamonds and pearls to +drop from one little girl's mouth, and vipers and toads from another's? +I begin to think I do as much harm as good by my performances. I might +as well shut my incantations up, and allow things to take their natural +course. + +"There were my two young goddaughters, King Savio's wife, and Duke +Padella's wife: I gave them each a present, which was to render them +charming in the eyes of their husbands, and secure the affection of +those gentlemen as long as they lived. What good did my Rose and my Ring +do these two women? None on earth. From having all their whims indulged +by their husbands, they became capricious, lazy, ill-humored, absurdly +vain, and leered and languished, and fancied themselves irresistibly +beautiful, when they were really quite old and hideous, the ridiculous +creatures! They used actually to patronise me when I went to pay them +a visit--ME, the Fairy Blackstick, who knows all the wisdom of the +necromancers, and could have turned them into baboons, and all their +diamonds into strings of onions, by a single wave of my rod!" So +she locked up her books in her cupboard, declined further magical +performances, and scarcely used her wand at all except as a cane to walk +about with. + +So when Duke Padella's lady had a little son (the Duke was at that +time only one of the principal noblemen in Crim Tartary), Blackstick, +although invited to the christening, would not so much as attend; but +merely sent her compliments and a silver papboat for the baby, which was +really not worth a couple of guineas. About the same time the Queen +of Paflagonia presented his Majesty with a son and heir; and guns +were fired, the capital illuminated, and no end of feasts ordained to +celebrate the young Prince's birth. It was thought the fairy, who was +asked to be his godmother, would at least have presented him with an +invisible jacket, a flying horse, a Fortunatus's purse, or some other +valuable token of her favor; but instead, Blackstick went up to +the cradle of the child Giglio, when everybody was admiring him and +complimenting his royal papa and mamma, and said, "My poor child, the +best thing I can send you is a little MISFORTUNE;" and this was all +she would utter, to the disgust of Giglio's parents, who died very soon +after, when Giglio's uncle took the throne, as we read in Chapter I. + +In like manner, when CAVOLFIORE, King of Crim Tartary, had a christening +of his only child, ROSALBA, the Fairy Blackstick, who had been invited, +was not more gracious than in Prince Giglio's case. Whilst everybody was +expatiating over the beauty of the darling child, and congratulating +its parents, the Fairy Blackstick looked very sadly at the baby and its +mother, and said, "My good woman (for the Fairy was very familiar, and +no more minded a Queen than a washerwoman)--my good woman, these people +who are following you will be the first to turn against you; and as for +this little lady, the best thing I can wish her is a LITTLE MISFORTUNE." +So she touched Rosalba with her black wand, looked severely at the +courtiers, motioned the Queen an adieu with her hand, and sailed slowly +up into the air out of the window. + +When she was gone, the Court people, who had been awed and silent in her +presence, began to speak. "What an odious Fairy she is" (they said)--"a +pretty Fairy, indeed! Why, she went to the King of Paflagonia's +christening, and pretended to do all sorts of things for that family; +and what has happened--the Prince, her godson, has been turned off his +throne by his uncle. Would we allow our sweet Princess to be deprived of +her rights by any enemy? Never, never, never, never!" + +And they all shouted in a chorus, "Never, never, never, never!" + +Now, I should like to know, and how did these fine courtiers show +their fidelity? One of King Cavolfiore's vassals, the Duke Padella +just mentioned, rebelled against the King, who went out to chastise +his rebellious subject. "Any one rebel against our beloved and august +Monarch!" cried the courtiers; "any one resist HIM? Pooh! He is +invincible, irresistible. He will bring home Padella a prisoner, and tie +him to a donkey's tail, and drive him round the town, saying, 'This is +the way the Great Cavolfiore treats rebels.'" + +The King went forth to vanquish Padella; and the poor Queen, who was a +very timid, anxious creature, grew so frightened and ill that I am sorry +to say she died; leaving injunctions with her ladies to take care of +the dear little Rosalba. Of course they said they would. Of course they +vowed they would die rather than any harm should happen to the Princess. +At first the Crim Tartar Court Journal stated that the King was +obtaining great victories over the audacious rebel: then it was +announced that the troops of the infamous Padella were in flight: then +it was said that the royal army would soon come up with the enemy, and +then--then the news came that King Cavolfiore was vanquished and slain +by his Majesty, King Padella the First! + +At this news, half the courtiers ran off to pay their duty to the +conquering chief, and the other half ran away, laying hands on all the +best articles in the palace; and poor little Rosalba was left there +quite alone--quite alone: she toddled from one room to another, crying, +"Countess! Duchess!" (only she said "Tountess, Duttess," not being +able to speak plain) "bring me my mutton-sop; my Royal Highness hungy! +Tountess! Duttess!" And she went from the private apartments into the +throne-room and nobody was there;--and thence into the ballroom and +nobody was there;--and thence into the pages' room and nobody was +there;--and she toddled down the great staircase into the hall and +nobody was there;--and the door was open, and she went into the court, +and into the garden, and thence into the wilderness, and thence into the +forest where the wild beasts live, and was never heard of any more! + +A piece of her torn mantle and one of her shoes were found in the wood +in the mouths of two lionesses' cubs whom KING PADELLA and a royal +hunting party shot--for he was King now, and reigned over Crim Tartary. +"So the poor little Princess is done for," said he; "well, what's done +can't be helped. Gentlemen, let us go to luncheon!" And one of the +courtiers took up the shoe and put it in his pocket. And there was an +end of Rosalba! + + +IV. HOW BLACKSTICK WAS NOT ASKED TO THE PRINCESS ANGELICA'S CHRISTENING. + + +When the Princess Angelica was born, her parents not only did not ask +the Fairy Blackstick to the christening party, but gave orders to their +porter absolutely to refuse her if she called. This porter's name +was Gruffanuff, and he had been selected for the post by their Royal +Highnesses because he was a very tall fierce man, who could say "Not +at home" to a tradesman or an unwelcome visitor with a rudeness which +frightened most such persons away. He was the husband of that Countess +whose picture we have just seen, and as long as they were together they +quarrelled from morning till night. Now this fellow tried his rudeness +once too often, as you shall hear. For the Fairy Blackstick coming to +call upon the Prince and Princess, who were actually sitting at the open +drawing-room window, Gruffanuff not only denied them, but made the most +ODIOUS VULGAR SIGN as he was going to slam the door in the Fairy's face! +"Git away, hold Blackstick!" said he. "I tell you, Master and Missis +ain't at home to you;" and he was, as we have said, GOING to slam the +door. + +But the Fairy, with her wand, prevented the door being shut; and +Gruffanuff came out again in a fury, swearing in the most abominable +way, and asking the Fairy "whether she thought he was a-going to stay at +that there door hall day?" + +"You ARE going to stay at that door all day and all night, and for many +a long year," the Fairy said, very majestically; and Gruffanuff, coming +out of the door, straddling before it with his great calves, burst out +laughing, and cried, "Ha, ha, ha! this IS a good un! Ha--ah--what's +this? Let me down--oh--o--h'm!" and then he was dumb! + +For, as the Fairy waved her wand over him, he felt himself rising off +the ground, and fluttering up against the door, and then, as if a screw +ran into his stomach, he felt a dreadful pain there, and was pinned to +the door; and then his arms flew up over his head; and his legs, after +writhing about wildly, twisted under his body; and he felt cold, +cold, growing over him, as if he was turning into metal; and he said, +"Oh--o--h'm!" and could say no more, because he was dumb. + +He WAS turned into metal! He was, from being BRAZEN, BRASS! He was +neither more nor less than a knocker! And there he was, nailed to the +door in the blazing summer day, till he burned almost red-hot; and there +he was, nailed to the door all the bitter winter nights, till his brass +nose was dropping with icicles. And the postman came and rapped at him, +and the vulgarest boy with a letter came and hit him up against the +door. And the King and Queen (Princess and Prince they were then) coming +home from a walk that evening, the King said, "Hullo, my dear! you have +had a new knocker put on the door. Why, it's rather like our porter in +the face! What has become of that boozy vagabond?" And the housemaid +came and scrubbed his nose with sand-paper; and once, when the Princess +Angelica's little sister was born, he was tied up in an old kid-glove; +and, another night, some LARKING young men tried to wrench him off, and +put him to the most excruciating agony with a turn screw. And then +the Queen had a fancy to have the color of the door altered; and the +painters dabbed him over the mouth and eyes, and nearly choked him, as +they painted him pea-green. I warrant he had leisure to repent of having +been rude to the Fairy Blackstick! + + +As for his wife, she did not miss him; and as he was always guzzling +beer at the public-house, and notoriously quarrelling with his wife, and +in debt to the tradesmen, it was supposed he had run away from all these +evils, and emigrated to Australia or America. And when the Prince and +Princess chose to become King and Queen, they left their old house, and +nobody thought of the porter any more. + + +V. HOW PRINCESS ANGELICA TOOK A LITTLE MAID. + + +One day, when the Princess Angelica was quite a little girl, she +was walking in the garden of the palace, with Mrs. Gruffanuff, the +governess, holding a parasol over her head, to keep her sweet complexion +from the freckles, and Angelica was carrying a bun, to feed the swans +and ducks in the royal pond. + +They had not reached the duck-pond, when there came toddling up to them +such a funny little girl! She had a great quantity of hair blowing about +her chubby little cheeks, and looked as if she had not been washed or +combed for ever so long. She wore a ragged bit of a cloak, and had only +one shoe on. + +"You little wretch, who let you in here?" asked Mrs. Gruffanuff. + +"Div me dat bun," said the little girl, "me vely hungy." + +"Hungry! what is that?" asked Princess Angelica, and gave the child the +bun. + +"Oh, Princess!" says Mrs. Gruffanuff, "how good, how kind, how truly +angelical you are! See, Your Majesties," she said to the King and Queen, +who now came up, along with their nephew, Prince Giglio, "how kind the +Princess is! She met this little dirty wretch in the garden--I can't +tell how she came in here, or why the guards did not shoot her dead at +the gate!--and the dear darling of a Princess has given her the whole of +her bun!" + +"I didn't want it," said Angelica. + +"But you are a darling little angel all the same," says the governess. + +"Yes; I know I am," said Angelica. "Dirty little girl, don't you think +I am very pretty?" Indeed, she had on the finest of little dresses and +hats; and, as her hair was carefully curled, she really looked very +well. + +"Oh, pooty, pooty!" says the little girl, capering about, laughing, and +dancing, and munching her bun; and as she ate it she began to sing, "O +what fun to have a plum bun! how I wis it never was done!" At which, +and her funny accent, Angelica, Giglio, and the King and Queen began to +laugh very merrily. + +"I can dance as well as sing," says the little girl. "I can dance, and I +can sing, and I can do all sorts of ting." And she ran to a flower-bed, +and pulling a few polyanthuses, rhododendrons, and other flowers, made +herself a little wreath, and danced before the King and Queen so drolly +and prettily, that everybody was delighted. + +"Who was your mother--who were your relations, little girl?" said the +Queen. + +The little girl said, "Little lion was my brudder; great big lioness my +mudder; neber heard of any udder." And she capered away on her one shoe, +and everybody was exceedingly diverted. + +So Angelica said to the Queen, "Mamma, my parrot flew away yesterday out +of its cage, and I don't care any more for any of my toys; and I think +this funny little dirty child will amuse me. I will take her home, and +give her some of my old frocks--" + +"Oh, the generous darling!" says Mrs. Gruffanuff. + +"--Which I have worn ever so many times, and am quite tired of," +Angelica went on; "and she shall be my little maid. Will you come home +with me, little dirty girl?" + +The child clapped her hands, and said, "Go home with you--yes! You pooty +Princess! Have a nice dinner, and wear a new dress!" + +And they all laughed again, and took home the child to the palace, +where, when she was washed and combed, and had one of the Princess's +frocks given to her, she looked as handsome as Angelica, almost. Not +that Angelica ever thought so; for this little lady never imagined +that anybody in the world could be as pretty, as good, or as clever as +herself. In order that the little girl should not become too proud and +conceited, Mrs. Gruffanuff took her old ragged mantle and one shoe, and +put them into a glass box, with a card laid upon them, upon which was +written, "These were the old clothes in which little BETSINDA was found +when the great goodness and admirable kindness of Her Royal Highness the +Princess Angelica received this little outcast." And the date was added, +and the box locked up. + +For a while little Betsinda was a great favorite with the Princess, and +she danced, and sang, and made her little rhymes, to amuse her mistress. +But then the Princess got a monkey, and afterwards a little dog, and +afterwards a doll, and did not care for Betsinda any more, who became +very melancholy and quiet, and sang no more funny songs, because nobody +cared to hear her. And then, as she grew older, she was made a little +lady's-maid to the Princess; and though she had no wages, she worked +and mended, and put Angelica's hair in papers, and was never cross when +scolded, and was always eager to please her mistress, and was always +up early and to bed late, and at hand when wanted, and in fact became +a perfect little maid. So the two girls grew up, and, when the Princess +came out, Betsinda was never tired of waiting on her; and made her +dresses better than the best milliner, and was useful in a hundred ways. +Whilst the Princess was having her masters, Betsinda would sit and watch +them; and in this way she picked up a great deal of learning; for she +was always awake, though her mistress was not, and listened to the wise +professors when Angelica was yawning or thinking of the next ball. And +when the dancing-master came, Betsinda learned along with Angelica; +and when the music-master came, she watched him, and practiced the +Princess's pieces when Angelica was away at balls and parties; and when +the drawing-master came, she took note of all he said and did; and the +same with French, Italian, and all other languages--she learned them +from the teacher who came to Angelica. When the Princess was going out +of an evening she would say, "My good Betsinda, you may as well finish +what I have begun." "Yes, miss," Betsinda would say, and sit down very +cheerful, not to FINISH what Angelica began, but to DO it. + +For instance, the Princess would begin a head of a warrior, let us say, +and when it was begun it was something like this: + +But when it was done, the warrior was like this:--(only handsomer still +if possible), and the Princess put her name to the drawing; and the +Court and King and Queen, and above all poor Giglio, admired the picture +of all things, and said, "Was there ever a genius like Angelica?" So, +I am sorry to say, was it with the Princess's embroidery and other +accomplishments; and Angelica actually believed that she did these +things herself, and received all the flattery of the Court as if every +word of it was true. Thus she began to think that there was no young +woman in all the world equal to herself, and that no young man was good +enough for her. As for Betsinda, as she heard none of these praises, she +was not puffed up by them, and being a most grateful, good-natured girl, +she was only too anxious to do everything which might give her mistress +pleasure. Now you begin to perceive that Angelica had faults of her own, +and was by no means such a wonder of wonders as people represented Her +Royal Highness to be. + + +VI. HOW PRINCE GIGLIO BEHAVED HIMSELF. + + +And now let us speak about Prince Giglio, the nephew of the reigning +monarch of Paflagonia. It has already been stated, in page seven, that +as long as he had a smart coat to wear, a good horse to ride, and money +in his pocket, or rather to take out of his pocket, for he was very +good-natured, my young Prince did not care for the loss of his crown and +sceptre, being a thoughtless youth, not much inclined to politics or any +kind of learning. So his tutor had a sinecure. Giglio would not +learn classics or mathematics, and the Lord Chancellor of Paflagonia, +SQUARETOSO, pulled a very long face because the Prince could not be got +to study the Paflagonian laws and constitution; but, on the other hand, +the King's gamekeepers and huntsmen found the Prince an apt pupil; +the dancing-master pronounced that he was a most elegant and assiduous +scholar; the First Lord of the Billiard Table gave the most flattering +reports of the Prince's skill; so did the Groom of the Tennis Court; +and as for the Captain of the Guard and Fencing-master, the VALIANT and +VETERAN Count KUTASOFF HEDZOFF, he avowed that since he ran the General +of Crim Tartary, the dreadful Grumbuskin, through the body, he never had +encountered so expert a swordsman as Prince Giglio. + +I hope you do not imagine that there was any impropriety in the Prince +and Princess walking together in the palace garden, and because Giglio +kissed Angelica's hand in a polite manner. In the first place they are +cousins; next, the Queen is walking in the garden too (you cannot see +her, for she happens to be behind that tree), and her Majesty always +wished that Angelica and Giglio should marry: so did Giglio: so did +Angelica sometimes, for she thought her cousin very handsome, brave, +and good-natured: but then you know she was so clever and knew so many +things, and poor Giglio knew nothing, and had no conversation. When they +looked at the stars, what did Giglio know of the heavenly bodies? Once, +when on a sweet night in a balcony where they were standing, Angelica +said, "There is the Bear." "Where?" says Giglio. "Don't be afraid, +Angelica! if a dozen bears come, I will kill them rather than they shall +hurt you." "Oh, you silly creature!" says she; "you are very good, but +you are not very wise." When they looked at the flowers, Giglio was +utterly unacquainted with botany, and had never heard of Linnaeus. +When the butterflies passed, Giglio knew nothing about them, being as +ignorant of entomology as I am of algebra. So you see, Angelica, though +she liked Giglio pretty well, despised him on account of his ignorance. +I think she probably valued HER OWN LEARNING rather too much; but to +think too well of one's self is the fault of people of all ages and both +sexes. Finally, when nobody else was there, Angelica liked her cousin +well enough. + +King Valoroso was very delicate in health, and withal so fond of good +dinners (which were prepared for him by his French cook Marmitonio), +that it was supposed he could not live long. Now the idea of anything +happening to the King struck the artful Prime Minister and the designing +old lady-in-waiting with terror. For, thought Glumboso and the Countess, +"when Prince Giglio marries his cousin and comes to the throne, what a +pretty position we shall be in, whom he dislikes, and who have always +been unkind to him. We shall lose our places in a trice; Mrs. Gruffanuff +will have to give up all the jewels, laces, snuff-boxes, rings, and +watches which belonged to the Queen, Giglio's mother; and Glumboso will +be forced to refund two hundred and seventeen thousand millions nine +hundred and eighty-seven thousand four hundred and thirty-nine pounds, +thirteen shillings, and sixpence halfpenny, money left to Prince Giglio +by his poor dear father." + +So the Lady of Honor and the Prime Minister hated Giglio because they +had done him a wrong; and these unprincipled people invented a hundred +cruel stories about poor Giglio, in order to influence the King, Queen, +and Princess against him; how he was so ignorant that he could not spell +the commonest words, and actually wrote Valoroso Valloroso, and spelt +Angelica with two l's; how he drank a great deal too much wine at +dinner, and was always idling in the stables with the grooms; how he +owed ever so much money at the pastry-cook's and the haberdasher's; how +he used to go to sleep at church; how he was fond of playing cards with +the pages. So did the Queen like playing cards; so did the King go +to sleep at church, and eat and drink too much; and, if Giglio owed +a trifle for tarts, who owed him two hundred and seventeen thousand +millions nine hundred and eighty-seven thousand four hundred and +thirty-nine pounds, thirteen shillings, and sixpence halfpenny, I should +like to know? Detractors and tale-bearers (in my humble opinion) had +much better look at HOME. All this backbiting and slandering had effect +upon Princess Angelica, who began to look coldly on her cousin, then to +laugh at him and scorn him for being so stupid, then to sneer at him for +having vulgar associates; and at Court balls, dinners, and so forth, +to treat him so unkindly that poor Giglio became quite ill, took to his +bed, and sent for the doctor. + +His Majesty King Valoroso, as we have seen, had his own reasons for +disliking his nephew; and as for those innocent readers who ask why?--I +beg (with the permission of their dear parents) to refer them to +Shakespeare's pages, where they will read why King John disliked Prince +Arthur. With the Queen, his royal but weak-minded aunt, when Giglio was +out of sight he was out of mind. While she had her whist and her evening +parties, she cared for little else. + +I dare say TWO VILLAINS, who shall be nameless, wished Doctor Pildrafto, +the Court Physician, had killed Giglio right out, but he only bled +and physicked him so severely that the Prince was kept to his room for +several months, and grew as thin as a post. + +Whilst he was lying sick in this way, there came to the Court of +Paflagonia a famous painter, whose name was Tomaso Lorenzo, and who was +Painter in Ordinary to the King of Crim Tartary, Paflagonia's neighbor. +Tomaso Lorenzo painted all the Court, who were delighted with his works; +for even Countess Gruffanuff looked young and Glumboso good-humored in +his pictures. "He flatters very much," some people said. "Nay!" says +Princess Angelica, "I am above flattery, and I think he did not make my +picture handsome enough. I can't bear to hear a man of genius unjustly +cried down, and I hope my dear papa will make Lorenzo a knight of his +Order of the Cucumber." + +The Princess Angelica, although the courtiers vowed Her Royal Highness +could draw so BEAUTIFULLY that the idea of her taking lessons was +absurd, yet chose to have Lorenzo for a teacher, and it was wonderful, +AS LONG AS SHE PAINTED IN HIS STUDIO, what beautiful pictures she made! +Some of the performances were engraved for the "Book of Beauty:" others +were sold for enormous sums at Charity Bazaars. She wrote the +SIGNATURES under the drawings, no doubt, but I think I know who did +the pictures--this artful painter, who had come with other designs on +Angelica than merely to teach her to draw. + +One day, Lorenzo showed the Princess a portrait of a young man in armor, +with fair hair and the loveliest blue eyes, and an expression at once +melancholy and interesting. + +"Dear Signor Lorenzo, who is this?" asked the Princess. "I never saw +anyone so handsome," says Countess Gruffanuff (the old humbug). + +"That," said the painter, "that, Madam, is the portrait of my august +young master, his Royal Highness Bulbo, Crown Prince of Crim Tartary, +Duke of Acroceraunia, Marquis of Poluphloisboio, and Knight Grand Cross +of the Order of the Pumpkin. That is the Order of the Pumpkin glittering +on his manly breast, and received by His Royal Highness from his august +father, his Majesty King PADELLA I., for his gallantry at the battle +of Rimbombamento, when he slew with his own princely hand the King +of Ograria and two hundred and eleven giants of the two hundred and +eighteen who formed the King's bodyguard. The remainder were destroyed +by the brave Crim Tartar army after an obstinate combat, in which the +Crim Tartars suffered severely." + +"What a Prince!" thought Angelica: "so brave--so calm-looking--so +young--what a hero!" + +"He is as accomplished as he is brave," continued the Court Painter. +"He knows all languages perfectly: sings deliciously: plays every +instrument: composes operas which have been acted a thousand nights +running at the Imperial Theatre of Crim Tartary, and danced in a ballet +there before the King and Queen; in which he looked so beautiful, that +his cousin, the lovely daughter of the King of Circassia, died for love +of him." + +"Why did he not marry the poor Princess?" asked Angelica, with a sigh. + +"Because they were FIRST COUSINS, Madam, and the clergy forbid these +unions," said the Painter. "And, besides, the young Prince had given his +royal heart ELSEWHERE." + +"And to whom?" asked Her Royal Highness. + +"I am not at liberty to mention the Princess's name," answered the +Painter. + +"But you may tell me the first letter of it," gasped out the Princess. + +"That Your Royal Highness is at liberty to guess," said Lorenzo. + +"Does it begin with a Z?" asked Angelica. + +The Painter said it wasn't a Z; then she tried a Y; then an X; then a W, +and went so backwards through almost the whole alphabet. + +When she came to D, and it wasn't D, she grew very excited; when she +came to C, and it wasn't C, she was still more nervous; when she came +to B, AND IT WASN'T B, "Oh dearest Gruffanuff," she said, "lend me your +smelling-bottle!" and, hiding her head in the Countess's shoulder, she +faintly whispered, "Ah, Signor, can it be A?" + +"It was A; and though I may not, by my Royal Master's orders, tell Your +Royal Highness the Princess's name, whom he fondly, madly, devotedly, +rapturously loves, I may show you her portrait," says this slyboots: +and leading the Princess up to a gilt frame, he drew a curtain which was +before it. + +O goodness! the frame contained A LOOKING-GLASS! and Angelica saw her +own face! + + +VII. HOW GIGLIO AND ANGELICA HAD A QUARREL. + + +The Court Painter of his Majesty the King of Crim Tartary returned to +that monarch's dominions, carrying away a number of sketches which he +had made in the Paflagonian capital (you know, of course, my dears, that +the name of that capital is Blombodinga); but the most charming of all +his pieces was a portrait of the Princess Angelica, which all the Crim +Tartar nobles came to see. With this work the King was so delighted, +that he decorated the Painter with his Order of the Pumpkin (sixth +class) and the artist became Sir Tomaso Lorenzo, K.P., thenceforth. + +King Valoroso also sent Sir Tomaso his Order of the Cucumber, besides a +handsome order for money, for he painted the King, Queen, and principal +nobility while at Blombodinga, and became all the fashion, to the +perfect rage of all the artists in Paflagonia, where the King used to +point to the portrait of Prince Bulbo, which Sir Tomaso had left behind +him, and say "Which among you can paint a picture like that?" + +It hung in the royal parlor over the royal sideboard, and Princess +Angelica could always look at it as she sat making the tea. Each day it +seemed to grow handsomer and handsomer, and the Princess grew so fond +of looking at it, that she would often spill the tea over the cloth, at +which her father and mother would wink and wag their heads; and say to +each other, "Aha! we see how things are going." + +In the meantime poor Giglio lay upstairs very sick in his chamber, +though he took all the doctor's horrible medicines like a good young +lad: as I hope YOU do, my dears, when you are ill and mamma sends for +the medical man. And the only person who visited Giglio (besides his +friend the captain of the guard, who was almost always busy or on +parade), was little Betsinda the housemaid, who used to do his bedroom +and sitting-room out, bring him his gruel, and warm his bed. + +When the little housemaid came to him in the morning and evening, Prince +Giglio used to say, "Betsinda, Betsinda, how is the Princess Angelica?" + +And Betsinda used to answer, "The Princess is very well, thank you, my +Lord." And Giglio would heave a sigh, and think, "If Angelica were sick, +I am sure I should not be very well." + +Then Giglio would say, "Betsinda, has the Princess Angelica asked for +me today?" And Betsinda would answer, "No, my Lord, not today"; or, "She +was very busy practicing the piano when I saw her"; or, "She was writing +invitations for an evening party, and did not speak to me"; or make some +excuse or other, not strictly consonant with truth: for Betsinda was +such a good-natured creature that she strove to do everything to prevent +annoyance to Prince Giglio, and even brought him up roast chicken and +jellies from the kitchen (when the Doctor allowed them, and Giglio was +getting better), saying, "that the Princess had made the jelly, or the +bread-sauce, with her own hands, on purpose for Giglio." + +When Giglio heard this he took heart and began to mend immediately; +and gobbled up all the jelly, and picked the last bone of the +chicken--drumsticks, merry-thought, sides'-bones, back, pope's nose, +and all--thanking his dear Angelica; and he felt so much better the next +day, that he dressed and went downstairs--where, whom should he meet +but Angelica going into the drawing-room? All the covers were off the +chairs, the chandeliers taken out of the bags, the damask curtains +uncovered, the work and things carried away, and the handsomest albums +on the tables. Angelica had her hair in papers: in a word, it was +evident there was going to be a party. + +"Heavens, Giglio!" cries Angelica: "YOU here in such a dress! What a +figure you are!" + +"Yes, dear Angelica, I am come downstairs, and feel so well today, +thanks to the FOWL and the JELLY." + +"What do I know about fowls and jellies, that you allude to them in that +rude way?" says Angelica. + +"Why, didn't--didn't you send them, Angelica dear?" says Giglio. + +"I send them indeed! Angelica dear! No, Giglio dear," says she, mocking +him, "I was engaged in getting the rooms ready for His Royal Highness +the Prince of Crim Tartary, who is coming to pay my papa's Court a +visit." + +"The--Prince--of--Crim--Tartary!" Giglio said, aghast. + +"Yes, the Prince of Crim Tartary," says Angelica, mocking him. "I dare +say you never heard of such a country. What DID you ever hear of? You +don't know whether Crim Tartary is on the Red Sea or on the Black Sea, I +dare say." + +"Yes, I do: it's on the Red Sea," says Giglio; at which the Princess +burst out laughing at him, and said, "Oh, you ninny! You are so +ignorant, you are really not fit for society! You know nothing but about +horses and dogs, and are only fit to dine in a mess-room with my Royal +Father's heaviest dragoons. Don't look so surprised at me, sir: go +and put your best clothes on to receive the Prince, and let me get the +drawing-room ready." + +Giglio said, "Oh, Angelica, Angelica, I didn't think this of you. THIS +wasn't your language to me when you gave me this ring, and I gave you +mine in the garden, and you gave me that k--" + +But what k-- was we never shall know, for Angelica, in a rage, cried, +"Get out, you saucy, rude creature! How dare you to remind me of your +rudeness? As for your little trumpery twopenny ring, there, sir--there!" +And she flung it out of the window. + +"It was my mother's marriage-ring," cried Giglio. + +"I don't care whose marriage-ring it was," cries Angelica. "Marry the +person who picks it up if she's a woman; you shan't marry ME. And give +me back MY ring. I've no patience with people who boast about the things +they give away! I know who'll give me much finer things than you ever +gave me. A beggarly ring indeed, not worth five shillings!" + +Now Angelica little knew that the ring which Giglio had given her was a +fairy ring; if a man wore it, it made all the women in love with him; +if a woman, all the gentlemen. The Queen, Giglio's mother, quite an +ordinary-looking person, was admired immensely whilst she wore this +ring, and her husband was frantic when she was ill. But when she called +her little Giglio to her, and put the ring on his finger, King Savio did +not seem to care for his wife so much any more, but transferred all his +love to little Giglio. So did everybody love him as long as he had the +ring; but when, as quite a child, he gave it to Angelica, people began +to love and admire HER; and Giglio, as the saying is, played only second +fiddle. + +"Yes," says Angelica, going on in her foolish ungrateful way. "I +know who'll give me much finer things than your beggarly little pearl +nonsense." + +"Very good, miss! You may take back your ring too!" says Giglio, his +eyes flashing fire at her, and then, as his eyes had been suddenly +opened, he cried out, "Ha! what does this mean? Is THIS the woman I have +been in love with all my life? Have I been such a ninny as to throw away +my regard upon you? Why--actually--yes--you are a little crooked!" + +"Oh, you wretch!" cries Angelica. + +"And, upon my conscience, you--you squint a little." + +"Eh!" cries Angelica. + +"And your hair is red--and you are marked with the smallpox--and what? +you have three false teeth--and one leg shorter than the other!" + +"You brute, you brute, you!" Angelica screamed out: and as she seized +the ring with one hand, she dealt Giglio one, two, three smacks on the +face, and would have pulled the hair off his head had he not started +laughing, and crying, + +"Oh dear me, Angelica, don't pull out MY hair, it hurts! You might +remove a great deal of YOUR OWN, as I perceive, without scissors or +pulling at all. Oh, ho, ho! ha, ha, ha! he he he!" + +And he nearly choked himself with laughing, and she with rage; when, +with a low bow, and dressed in his Court habit, Count Gambabella, +the first lord-in-waiting, entered and said, "Royal Highnesses! Their +Majesties expect you in the Pink Throne-room, where they await the +arrival of the Prince of CRIM TARTARY." + + +VIII. HOW GRUFFANUFF PICKED THE FAIRY RING UP, AND PRINCE BULBO CAME TO +COURT. + + +Prince Bulbo's arrival had set all the court in a flutter: everybody was +ordered to put his or her best clothes on: the footmen had their gala +liveries; the Lord Chancellor his new wig; the Guards their last +new tunics; and Countess Gruffanuff, you may be sure, was glad of an +opportunity of decorating HER old person with her finest things. She was +walking through the court of the Palace on her way to wait upon their +Majesties, when she espied something glittering on the pavement, and +bade the boy in buttons who was holding up her train, to go and pick up +the article shining yonder. He was an ugly little wretch, in some of the +late groom-porter's old clothes cut down, and much too tight for him; +and yet, when he had taken up the ring (as it turned out to be), and was +carrying it to his mistress, she thought he looked like a little cupid. +He gave the ring to her; it was a trumpery little thing enough, but too +small for any of her old knuckles, so she put it into her pocket. + +"Oh, mum!" says the boy, looking at her "how--how beyoutiful you do +look, mum, to-day, mum!" + +"And you, too, Jacky," she was going to say; but, looking down +at him--no, he was no longer good-looking at all--but only the +carroty-haired little Jacky of the morning. However, praise is welcome +from the ugliest of men or boys, and Gruffanuff, bidding the boy hold +up her train, walked on in high good-humor. The Guards saluted her +with peculiar respect. Captain Hedzoff, in the anteroom, said, "My +dear madam, you look like an angel today." And so, bowing and smirking, +Gruffanuff went in and took her place behind her Royal Master and +Mistress, who were in the throne-room, awaiting the Prince of Crim +Tartary. Princess Angelica sat at their feet, and behind the King's +chair stood Prince Giglio, looking very savage. + +The Prince of Crim Tartary made his appearance, attended by Baron +Sleibootz, his chamberlain, and followed by a black page carrying the +most beautiful crown you ever saw! He was dressed in his travelling +costume, and his hair, as you see, was a little in disorder. "I have +ridden three hundred miles since breakfast," said he, "so eager was I to +behold the Prin--the Court and august family of Paflagonia, and I could +not wait one minute before appearing in Your Majesties' presences." + +Giglio, from behind the throne, burst out into a roar of contemptuous +laughter; but all the Royal party, in fact, were so flurried, that they +did not hear this little outbreak. "Your R. H. is welcome in any dress," +says the King. "Glumboso, a chair for His Royal Highness." + +"Any dress His Royal Highness wears IS a Court-dress," says Princess +Angelica, smiling graciously. + +"Ah! but you should see my other clothes," said the Prince. "I should +have had them on, but that stupid carrier has not brought them. Who's +that laughing?" + +It was Giglio laughing. "I was laughing," he said, "because you said +just now that you were in such a hurry to see the Princess, that you +could not wait to change your dress; and now you say you come in those +clothes because you have no others." + +"And who are you?" says Prince Bulbo, very fiercely. + +"My father was King of this country, and I am his only son, Prince!" +replies Giglio, with equal haughtiness. + +"Ha!" said the King and Glumboso, looking very flurried; but the former, +collecting himself, said, "Dear Prince Bulbo, I forgot to introduce to +Your Royal Highness my dear nephew, His Royal Highness Prince Giglio! +Know each other! Embrace each other! Giglio, give His Royal Highness +your hand!" and Giglio, giving his hand, squeezed poor Bulbo's until the +tears ran out of his eyes. Glumboso now brought a chair for the Royal +visitor, and placed it on the platform on which the King, Queen, and +Prince were seated; but the chair was on the edge of the platform, and +as Bulbo sat down, it toppled over, and he with it, rolling over and +over, and bellowing like a bull. Giglio roared still louder at this +disaster, but it was with laughter; so did all the Court when Prince +Bulbo got up; for though when he entered the room he appeared not very +ridiculous, as he stood up from his fall for a moment he looked so +exceedingly plain and foolish, that nobody could help laughing at him. +When he had entered the room, he was observed to carry a rose in his +hand, which fell out of it as he tumbled. + +"My rose! my rose!" cried Bulbo; and his chamberlain dashed forwards and +picked it up, and gave it to the Prince, who put it in his waistcoat. +Then people wondered why they had laughed; there was nothing +particularly ridiculous in him. He was rather short, rather stout, +rather red-haired, but, in fine, for a Prince, not so bad. + +So they sat and talked, the Royal personages together, the Crim +Tartar officers with those of Paflagonia--Giglio very comfortable with +Gruffanuff behind the throne. He looked at her with such tender eyes, +that her heart was all in a flutter. "Oh, dear Prince," she said, "how +could you speak so haughtily in presence of Their Majesties? I protest I +thought I should have fainted." + +"I should have caught you in my arms," said Giglio, looking raptures. + +"Why were you so cruel to Prince Bulbo, dear Prince?" says Gruff. + +"Because I hate him," says Gil. + +"You are jealous of him, and still love poor Angelica," cries +Gruffanuff, putting her handkerchief to her eyes. + +"I did, but I love her no more!" Giglio cried. "I despise her! Were she +heiress to twenty thousand thrones, I would despise her and scorn her. +But why speak of thrones? I have lost mine. I am too weak to recover +it--I am alone, and have no friend." + +"Oh, say not so, dear Prince!" says Gruffanuff. + +"Besides," says he, "I am so happy here BEHIND THE THRONE, that I would +not change my place, no, not for the throne of the world!" + +"What are you two people chattering about there?" says the Queen, who +was rather good-natured, though not over-burthened with wisdom. "It is +time to dress for dinner. Giglio, show Prince Bulbo to his room. Prince, +if your clothes have not come, we shall be very happy to see you as you +are." But when Prince Bulbo got to his bedroom, his luggage was there +and unpacked; and the hairdresser coming in, cut and curled him entirely +to his own satisfaction; and when the dinner-bell rang, the Royal +company had not to wait above five-and-twenty minutes until Bulbo +appeared, during which time the King, who could not bear to wait, grew +as sulky as possible. As for Giglio, he never left Madam Gruffanuff all +this time, but stood with her in the embrasure of a window, paying her +compliments. At length the Groom of the Chambers announced His Royal +Highness the Prince of Crim Tartary! and the noble company went into the +royal dining-room. It was quite a small party; only the King and Queen, +the Princess, whom Bulbo took out, the two Princes, Countess Gruffanuff, +Glumboso the Prime Minister, and Prince Bulbo's chamberlain. You may be +sure they had a very good dinner--let every boy or girl think of what he +or she likes best, and fancy it on the table.* + + +* Here a very pretty game may be played by all the children saying what +they like best for dinner. + + +The Princess talked incessantly all dinner-time to the Prince of Crimea, +who ate an immense deal too much, and never took his eyes off his plate, +except when Giglio, who was carving a goose, sent a quantity of stuffing +and onion sauce into one of them. Giglio only burst out a-laughing +as the Crimean Prince wiped his shirt-front and face with his scented +pocket-handkerchief. He did not make Prince Bulbo any apology. When the +Prince looked at him, Giglio would not look that way. When Prince Bulbo +said, "Prince Giglio, may I have the honor of taking a glass of wine +with you?" Giglio WOULDN'T answer. All his talk and his eyes were for +Countess Gruffanuff, who you may be sure was pleased with Giglio's +attentions--the vain old creature! When he was not complimenting her, +he was making fun of Prince Bulbo, so loud that Gruffanuff was always +tapping him with her fan, and saying, "Oh, you satirical Prince! Oh, +fie, the Prince will hear!" "Well, I don't mind," says Giglio, louder +still. The King and Queen luckily did not hear; for her Majesty was a +little deaf, and the King thought so much about his own dinner, and, +besides, made such a dreadful noise, hob-gobbling in eating it, that +he heard nothing else. After dinner, his Majesty and the Queen went to +sleep in their arm-chairs. + +This was the time when Giglio began his tricks with Prince Bulbo, plying +that young gentleman with port, sherry, madeira, champagne, marsala, +cherry-brandy, and pale ale, of all of which Master Bulbo drank without +stint. But in plying his guest, Giglio was obliged to drink himself, +and, I am sorry to say, took more than was good for him, so that the +young men were very noisy, rude, and foolish when they joined the ladies +after dinner; and dearly did they pay for that imprudence, as now, my +darlings, you shall hear! + +Bulbo went and sat by the piano, where Angelica was playing and singing, +and he sang out of tune, and he upset the coffee when the footman +brought it, and he laughed out of place, and talked absurdly, and fell +asleep and snored horridly. Booh, the nasty pig! But as he lay there +stretched on the pink satin sofa, Angelica still persisted in thinking +him the most beautiful of human beings. No doubt the magic rose which +Bulbo wore caused this infatuation on Angelica's part; but is she the +first young woman who has thought a silly fellow charming? + +Giglio must go and sit by Gruffanuff, whose old face he, too, +every moment began to find more lovely. He paid the most outrageous +compliments to her:--There never was such a darling. Older than he +was?--Fiddle-de-dee! He would marry her--he would, have nothing but her! + +To marry the heir to the throne! Here was a chance! The artful hussy +actually got a sheet of paper, and wrote upon it, "This is to give +notice that I, Giglio, only son of Savio, King of Paflagonia, hereby +promise to marry the charming and virtuous Barbara Griselda Countess +Gruffanuff, and widow of the late Jenkins Gruffanuff, Esq." + +"What is it you are writing, you charming Gruffy?" says Giglio, who was +lolling on the sofa, by the writing-table. + +"Only an order for you to sign, dear Prince, for giving coals and +blankets to the poor, this cold weather. Look! the King and Queen are +both asleep, and your Royal Highness's order will do." + +So Giglio, who was very good-natured, as Gruffy well knew, signed the +order immediately; and, when she had it in her pocket, you may fancy +what airs she gave herself. She was ready to flounce out of the room +before the Queen herself, as now she was the wife of the RIGHTFUL King +of Paflagonia! She would not speak to Glumboso, whom she thought a +brute, for depriving her DEAR HUSBAND of the crown! And when candles +came, and she had helped to undress the Queen and Princess, she went +into her own room, and actually practiced on a sheet of paper, "Griselda +Paflagonia," "Barbara Regina," "Griselda Barbara, Paf. Reg.," and I +don't know what signatures besides, against the day when she should be +Queen forsooth! + + +IX. HOW BETSINDA GOT THE WARMING PAN. + + +Little Betsinda came in to put Gruffanuff's hair in papers; and the +Countess was so pleased, that, for a wonder, she complimented Betsinda. +"Betsinda!" she said, "you dressed my hair very nicely today; I promised +you a little present. Here are five sh--no, here is a pretty little +ring, that I picked--that I have had some time." And she gave Betsinda +the ring she had picked up in the court. It fitted Betsinda exactly. + +"It's like the ring the Princess used to wear," says the maid. + +"No such thing," says Gruffanuff, "I have had it this ever so long. +There, tuck me up quite comfortable; and now, as it's a very cold night +(the snow was beating in at the window), you may go and warm dear Prince +Giglio's bed, like a good girl, and then you may unrip my green silk, +and then you can just do me up a little cap for the morning, and then +you can mend that hole in my silk stocking, and then you can go to +bed, Betsinda. Mind I shall want my cup of tea at five o'clock in the +morning." + +"I suppose I had best warm both the young gentlemen's beds, Ma'am," says +Betsinda. + +Gruffanuff, for reply, said, "Hau-au-ho!--Grau-haw-hoo!--Hong-hrho!" In +fact, she was snoring sound asleep. + +Her room, you know, is next to the King and Queen, and the Princess is +next to them. So pretty Betsinda went away for the coals to the kitchen, +and filled the royal warming-pan. + +Now, she was a very kind, merry, civil, pretty girl; but there must +have been something very captivating about her this evening, for all +the women in the servants' hall began to scold and abuse her. The +housekeeper said she was a pert, stuck-up thing: the upper-housemaid +asked, how dare she wear such ringlets and ribbons, it was quite +improper! The cook (for there was a woman-cook as well as a man-cook) +said to the kitchen-maid that SHE never could see anything in that +creetur: but as for the men, every one of them, Coachman, John, Buttons, +the page, and Monsieur, the Prince of Crim Tartary's valet, started up, +and said-- + +"My eyes! } + +"O mussey! } what a pretty girl Betsinda is!" + +"O jemmany! } + +"O ciel! } + +"Hands off; none of your impertinence, you vulgar, low people!" says +Betsinda, walking off with her pan of coals. She heard the young +gentlemen playing at billiards as she went upstairs: first to Prince +Giglio's bed, which she warmed, and then to Prince Bulbo's room. + +He came in just as she had done; and as soon as he saw her, "O! O! O! +O! O! O! what a beyou--oo--ootiful creature you are! You angel--you +Peri--you rosebud, let me be thy bulbul--thy Bulbo, too! Fly to the +desert, fly with me! I never saw a young gazelle to glad me with its +dark blue eye that had eyes like thine. Thou nymph of beauty, take, take +this young heart. A truer never did itself sustain within a soldier's +waistcoat. Be mine! Be mine! Be Princess of Crim Tartary! My Royal +father will approve our union; and, as for that little carroty-haired +Angelica, I do not care a fig for her any more." + +"Go away, Your Royal Highness, and go to bed, please," said Betsinda, +with the warming-pan. + +But Bulbo said, "No, never, till thou swearest to be mine, thou lovely, +blushing chambermaid divine! Here, at thy feet, the Royal Bulbo lies, +the trembling captive of Betsinda's eyes." + +And he went on, making himself SO ABSURD AND RIDICULOUS, that Betsinda, +who was full of fun, gave him a touch with the warming-pan, which, I +promise you, made him cry "O-o-o-o!" in a very different manner. + +Prince Bulbo made such a noise that Prince Giglio, who heard him from +the next room, came in to see what was the matter. As soon as he saw +what was taking place, Giglio, in a fury, rushed on Bulbo, kicked him +in the rudest manner up to the ceiling, and went on kicking him till his +hair was quite out of curl. + +Poor Betsinda did not know whether to laugh or to cry; the kicking +certainly must hurt the Prince, but then he looked so droll! When Giglio +had done knocking him up and down to the ground, and whilst he went into +a corner rubbing himself, what do you think Giglio does? He goes down on +his own knees to Betsinda, takes her hand, begs her to accept his heart, +and offers to marry her that moment. Fancy Betsinda's condition, who had +been in love with the Prince ever since she first saw him in the palace +garden, when she was quite a little child. + +"Oh, divine Betsinda!" says the Prince, "how have I lived fifteen years +in thy company without seeing thy perfections? What woman in all +Europe, Asia, Africa, and America, nay, in Australia, only it is not +yet discovered, can presume to be thy equal? Angelica? Pish! Gruffanuff? +Phoo! The Queen? Ha, ha! Thou art my Queen. Thou art the real Angelica, +because thou art really angelic." + +"Oh, Prince! I am but a poor chambermaid," says Betsinda, looking, +however, very much pleased. + +"Didst thou not tend me in my sickness, when all forsook me?" continues +Giglio. "Did not thy gentle hand smooth my pillow, and bring me jelly +and roast chicken?" + +"Yes, dear Prince, I did," says Betsinda, "and I sewed Your Royal +Highness's shirt-buttons on too, if you please, Your Royal Highness," +cries this artless maiden. + +When poor Prince Bulbo, who was now madly in love with Betsinda, heard +this declaration, when he saw the unmistakable glances which she flung +upon Giglio, Bulbo began to cry bitterly, and tore quantities of hair +out of his head, till it all covered the room like so much tow. + +Betsinda had left the warming-pan on the floor while the princes were +going on with their conversation, and as they began now to quarrel and +be very fierce with one another, she thought proper to run away. + +"You great big blubbering booby, tearing your hair in the corner there; +of course you will give me satisfaction for insulting Betsinda. YOU dare +to kneel down at Princess Giglio's knees and kiss her hand!" + +"She's not Princess Giglio!" roars out Bulbo. "She shall be Princess +Bulbo, no other shall be Princess Bulbo." + +"You are engaged to my cousin!" bellows out Giglio. + +"I hate your cousin," says Bulbo. + +"You shall give me satisfaction for insulting her!" cries Giglio in a +fury. + +"I'll have your life." + +"I'll run you through." + +"I'll cut your throat." + +"I'll blow your brains out." + +"I'll knock your head off." + +"I'll send a friend to you in the morning." + +"I'll send a bullet into you in the afternoon." + +"We'll meet again," says Giglio, shaking his fist in Bulbo's face; and +seizing up the warming-pan, he kissed it, because, forsooth, Betsinda +had carried it, and rushed downstairs. What should he see on the landing +but his Majesty talking to Betsinda, whom he called by all sorts of fond +names. His Majesty had heard a row in the building, so he stated, and +smelling something burning, had come out to see what the matter was. + +"It's the young gentlemen smoking, perhaps, sir," says Betsinda. + +"Charming chambermaid," says the King (like all the rest of them), +"never mind the young men! Turn thy eyes on a middle-aged autocrat, who +has been considered not ill-looking in his time." + +"Oh, sir! what will her Majesty say?" cries Betsinda. + +"Her Majesty!" laughs the monarch. "Her Majesty be hanged. Am I not +Autocrat of Paflagonia? Have I not blocks, ropes, axes, hangmen--ha? +Runs not a river by my palace wall? Have I not sacks to sew up wives +withal? Say but the word, that thou wilt be mine own,--your mistress +straightway in a sack is sewn, and thou the sharer of my heart and +throne." + +When Giglio heard these atrocious sentiments, he forgot the respect +usually paid to Royalty, lifted up the warming-pan, and knocked down the +King as flat as a pancake; after which, Master Giglio took to his +heels and ran away, and Betsinda went off screaming, and the Queen, +Gruffanuff, and the Princess, all came out of their rooms. Fancy their +feelings on beholding their husband, father, sovereign, in this posture! + + +X. HOW KING VALOROSO WAS IN A DREADFUL PASSION. + + +As soon as the coals began to burn him, the King came to himself +and stood up. "Ho! my captain of the guards!" his Majesty exclaimed, +stamping his royal feet with rage. O piteous spectacle! the King's nose +was bent quite crooked by the blow of Prince Giglio! His Majesty ground +his teeth with rage. "Hedzoff," he said, taking a death-warrant out of +his dressing-gown pocket, "Hedzoff, good Hedzoff, seize upon the Prince. +Thou'lt find him in his chamber two pair up. But now he dared, with +sacrilegious hand, to strike the sacred night-cap of a king--Hedzoff, +and floor me with a warming-pan! Away, no more demur, the villain dies! +See it be done, or else,--h'm--ha!--h'm! mind thine own eyes!" And +followed by the ladies, and lifting up the tails of his dressing-gown, +the King entered his own apartment. + +Captain Hedzoff was very much affected, having a sincere love for +Giglio. "Poor, poor Giglio!" he said, the tears rolling over his manly +face, and dripping down his moustachios; "my noble young Prince, is it +my hand must lead thee to death?" + +"Lead him to fiddlestick, Hedzoff," said a female voice. It was +Gruffanuff, who had come out in her dressing-gown when she heard the +noise. "The King said you were to hang the Prince. Well, hang the +Prince." + +"I don't understand you," says Hedzoff, who was not a very clever man. + +"You Gaby! he didn't say WHICH Prince," says Gruffanuff. + +"No; he didn't say which, certainly," said Hedzoff. + +"Well then, take Bulbo, and hang HIM!" + +When Captain Hedzoff heard this, he began to dance about for joy. +"Obedience is a soldier's honor," says he. "Prince Bulbo's head will do +capitally;" and he went to arrest the Prince the very first thing next +morning. + +He knocked at the door. "Who's there?" says Bulbo. "Captain Hedzoff? +Step in, pray, my good Captain; I'm delighted to see you; I have been +expecting you." + +"Have you?" says Hedzoff. + +"Sleibootz, my Chamberlain, will act for me," says the Prince. + +"I beg Your Royal Highness's pardon, but you will have to act for +yourself, and it's a pity to wake Baron Sleibootz." + +The Prince Bulbo still seemed to take the matter very coolly. "Of +course, Captain," says he, "you are come about that affair with Prince +Giglio?" + +"Precisely," says Hedzoff, "that affair of Prince Giglio." + +"Is it to be pistols, or swords, Captain?" asks Bulbo. "I'm a pretty +good hand with both, and I'll do for Prince Giglio as sure as my name is +My Royal Highness Prince Bulbo." + +"There's some mistake, my Lord," says the Captain. "The business is done +with AXES among us." + +"Axes? That's sharp work," says Bulbo. "Call my Chamberlain, he'll be my +second, and in ten minutes, I flatter myself, you'll see Master +Giglio's head off his impertinent shoulders. I'm hungry for his blood +Hoo-oo--aw!" and he looked as savage as an ogre. + +"I beg your pardon, sir, but by this warrant I am to take you prisoner, +and hand you over to--to the executioner." + +"Pooh, pooh, my good man!--Stop, I say,--ho!--hulloa!" was all that this +luckless Prince was enabled to say: for Hedzoff's guards seizing him, +tied a handkerchief over his mouth and face, and carried him to the +place of execution. + +The King, who happened to be talking to Glumboso, saw him pass, and +took a pinch of snuff and said, "So much for Giglio. Now let's go to +breakfast." + +The Captain of the Guard handed over his prisoner to the Sheriff, with +the fatal order, + + +"AT SIGHT CUT OFF THE BEARER'S HEAD. + +"VALOROSO XXIV." + + +"It's a mistake," says Bulbo, who did not seem to understand the +business in the least. + +"Poo--poo--pooh," says the Sheriff. "Fetch Jack Ketch instantly. Jack +Ketch!" + +And poor Bulbo was led to the scaffold, where an executioner with a +block and a tremendous axe was always ready in case he should be wanted. + +But we must now revert to Giglio and Betsinda. + + +XI. WHAT GRUFFANUFF DID TO GIGLIO AND BETSINDA. + + +Gruffanuff, who had seen what had happened with the King, and knew that +Giglio must come to grief, got up very early the next morning, and went +to devise some plans for rescuing her darling husband, as the silly old +thing insisted on calling him. She found him walking up and down the +garden, thinking of a rhyme for Betsinda (TINDER and WINDA were all he +could find), and indeed having forgotten all about the past evening, +except that Betsinda was the most lovely of beings. + +"Well, dear Giglio," says Gruff. + +"Well, dear Gruffy," says Giglio, only HE was quite satirical. + +"I have been thinking, darling, what you must do in this scrape. You +must fly the country for a while." + +"What scrape?--fly the country? Never without her I love, Countess," +says Giglio. + +"No, she will accompany you, dear Prince," she says, in her most coaxing +accents. "First, we must get the jewels belonging to our royal parents, +and those of her and his present Majesty. Here is the key, duck; they +are all yours, you know, by right, for you are the rightful King of +Paflagonia, and your wife will be the rightful Queen." + +"Will she?" says Giglio. + +"Yes; and having got the jewels, go to Glumboso's apartment, where, +under his bed, you will find sacks containing money to the amount of +L217,000,000,987,439, 13s. 6-12d., all belonging to you, for he took +it out of your royal father's room on the day of his death. With this we +will fly." + +"WE will fly?" says Giglio. + +"Yes, you and your bride--your affianced love--your Gruffy!" says the +Countess, with a languishing leer. + +"YOU my bride!" says Giglio. "You, you hideous old woman!" + +"Oh, you--you wretch! didn't you give me this paper promising marriage?" +cries Gruff. + +"Get away, you old goose! I love Betsinda, and Betsinda only!" And in a +fit of terror he ran from her as quickly as he could. + +"He! he! he!" shrieks out Gruff; "a promise is a promise if there are +laws in Paflagonia! And as for that monster, that wretch, that fiend, +that ugly little vixen--as for that upstart, that ingrate, that beast, +Betsinda, Master Giglio will have no little difficulty in discovering +her whereabouts. He may look very long before finding HER, I warrant. He +little knows that Miss Betsinda is--" + + +Is--what? Now, you shall hear. Poor Betsinda got up at five in winter's +morning to bring her cruel mistress her tea; and instead of finding her +in a good humor, found Gruffy as cross as two sticks. The Countess boxed +Betsinda's ears half a dozen times whilst she was dressing; but as poor +little Betsinda was used to this kind of treatment, she did not feel +any special alarm. "And now," says she, "when her Majesty rings her bell +twice, I'll trouble you, miss, to attend." + +So when the Queen's bell rang twice, Betsinda came to her Majesty and +made a pretty little curtsey. The Queen, the Princess, and Gruffanuff +were all three in the room. As soon as they saw her they began, + +"You wretch!" says the Queen. + +"You little vulgar thing!" says the Princess. + +"You beast!" says Gruffanuff. + +"Get out of my sight!" says the Queen. + +"Go away with you, do!" says the Princess. + +"Quit the premises!" says Gruffanuff. + +"Alas! and woe is me!" very lamentable events had occurred to Betsinda +that morning, and all in consequence of that fatal warming-pan business +of the previous night. The King had offered to marry her; of course her +Majesty the Queen was jealous: Bulbo had fallen in love with her; of +course Angelica was furious: Giglio was in love with her, and oh, what a +fury Gruffy was in! + + { cap } + +"Take off that {petticoat} I gave you," they said, all at once, + + { gown } + +and began tearing the clothes off poor Betsinda. + + { the King?" } + +"How dare you flirt with {Prince Bulbo?" } cried the Queen, the + + {Prince Giglio?"} Princess, and Countess. + +"Give her the rags she wore when she came into the house, and turn her +out of it!" cries the Queen. + +"Mind she does not go with MY shoes on, which I lent her so kindly," +says the Princess; and indeed the Princess's shoes were a great deal too +big for Betsinda. + +"Come with me, you filthy hussy!" and taking up the Queen's poker, the +cruel Gruffanuff drove Betsinda into her room. + +The Countess went to the glass box in which she had kept Betsinda's old +cloak and shoe this ever so long, and said, "Take those rags, you little +beggar creature, and strip off everything belonging to honest people, +and go about your business"; and she actually tore off the poor little +delicate thing's back almost all her things, and told her to be off out +of the house. + +Poor Betsinda huddled the cloak round her back, on which were +embroidered the letters PRIN. . . . ROSAL . . and then came a great +rent. + +As for the shoe, what was she to do with one poor little tootsey sandal? +The string was still to it, so she hung it round her neck. + +"Won't you give me a pair of shoes to go out in the snow, mum, if you +please, mum?" cried the poor child. + +"No, you wicked beast!" says Gruffanuff, driving her along with the +poker--driving her down the cold stairs--driving her through the cold +hall--flinging her out into the cold street, so that the knocker itself +shed tears to see her! + +But a kind fairy made the soft snow warm for her little feet, and she +wrapped herself up in the ermine of her mantle, and was gone! + + +"And now let us think about breakfast," says the greedy Queen. + +"What dress shall I put on, mamma? the pink or the pea-green?" says +Angelica. "Which do you think the dear Prince will like best?" + +"Mrs. V.!" sings out the King from his dressing-room, "let us have +sausages for breakfast! Remember we have Prince Bulbo staying with us!" + +And they all went to get ready. + +Nine o'clock came, and they were all in the breakfast-room, and no +Prince Bulbo as yet. The urn was hissing and humming: the muffins were +smoking--such a heap of muffins! the eggs were done, there was a pot +of raspberry jam, and coffee, and a beautiful chicken and tongue on the +side-table. Marmitonio the cook brought in the sausages. Oh, how nice +they smelt! + +"Where is Bulbo?" said the King. "John, where is His Royal Highness?" + +John said he had a took hup His Roilighnessesses shaving-water, and +his clothes and things, and he wasn't in his room, which he sposed His +Royliness was just stepped hout. + +"Stepped out before breakfast in the snow! Impossible!" says the King, +sticking his fork into a sausage. "My dear, take one. Angelica, won't +you have a saveloy?" The Princess took one, being very fond of them; and +at this moment Glumboso entered with Captain Hedzoff, both looking very +much disturbed. + +"I am afraid Your Majesty--" cries Glumboso. + +"No business before breakfast, Glum!" says the King. "Breakfast first, +business next. Mrs. V., some more sugar!" + +"Sire, I am afraid if we wait till after breakfast it will be too late," +says Glumboso. "He--he--he'll be hanged at half-past nine." + +"Don't talk about hanging and spoil my breakfast, you unkind, vulgar +man you," cries the Princess. "John, some mustard. Pray who is to be +hanged?" + +"Sire, it is the Prince," whispers Glumboso to the King. + +"Talk about business after breakfast, I tell you!" says his Majesty, +quite sulky. + +"We shall have a war, Sire, depend on it," says the Minister. "His +father, King Padella. . . ." + +"His father, King WHO?" says the King. "King Padella is not Giglio's +father. My brother, King Savio, was Giglio's father." + +"It's Prince Bulbo they are hanging, Sire, not Prince Giglio," says the +Prime Minister. + +"You told me to hang the Prince, and I took the ugly one," says Hedzoff. +"I didn't, of course, think Your Majesty intended to murder your own +flesh and blood!" + +The King for all reply flung the plate of sausages at Hedzoff's head. +The Princess cried out "Hee-karee-karee!" and fell down in a fainting +fit. + +"Turn the cock of the urn upon Her Royal Highness," said the King, +and the boiling water gradually revived her. His Majesty looked at his +watch, compared it by the clock in the parlor, and by that of the church +in the square opposite; then he wound it up; then he looked at it again. +"The great question is," says he, "am I fast or am I slow? If I'm slow, +we may as well go on with breakfast. If I'm fast, why, there is just the +possibility of saving Prince Bulbo. It's a doosid awkward mistake, and +upon my word, Hedzoff, I have the greatest mind to have you hanged too." + +"Sire, I did but my duty: a soldier has but his orders. I didn't expect +after forty-seven years of faithful service, that my sovereign would +think of putting me to a felon's death!" + +"A hundred thousand plagues upon you! Can't you see that while you are +talking my Bulbo is being hung?" screamed the Princess. + +"By Jove! she's always right, that girl, and I'm so absent," says the +King, looking at his watch again. "Ha! there go the drums! What a doosid +awkward thing though!" + +"O, papa, you goose! Write the reprieve, and let me run with it," cries +the Princess--and she got a sheet of paper, and pen and ink, and laid +them before the King. + +"Confound it! Where are my spectacles?" the Monarch exclaimed. +"Angelica! Go up into my bedroom, look under my pillow, not your +mamma's; there you'll see my keys. Bring them down to me, and--Well, +well! what impetuous things these girls are!" Angelica was gone, and had +run up panting to the bedroom, and found the keys, and was back again +before the King had finished a muffin. "Now, love," says he, "you must +go all the way back for my desk, in which my spectacles are. If you +would but have heard me out. . . . Be hanged to her! There she is off +again. Angelica! ANGELICA!" When his Majesty called in his LOUD voice, +she knew she must obey, and came back. + +"My dear, when you go out of a room, how often have I told you, SHUT THE +DOOR. That's a darling. That's all." At last the keys and the desk and +the spectacles were got, and the King mended his pen, and signed his +name to a reprieve, and Angelica ran with it as swift as the wind. +"You'd better stay, my love, and finish the muffins. There's no use +going. Be sure it's too late. Hand me over that raspberry jam, please," +said the Monarch. "Bong! Bawong! There goes the half-hour. I knew it +was." + +Angelica ran, and ran, and ran, and ran. She ran up Fore Street, and +down High Street, and through the Market-place, and down to the left, +and over the bridge, and up the blind alley, and back again, and round +by the Castle, and so along by the Haberdasher's on the right, opposite +the lamp-post, and round the square, and she came--she came to the +EXECUTION PLACE, where she saw Bulbo laying his head on the block!!! The +executioner raised his axe, but at that moment the Princess came panting +up and cried Reprieve! "Reprieve!" screamed the Princess. "Reprieve!" +shouted all the people. Up the scaffold stairs she sprang, with the +agility of a lighter of lamps; and flinging herself in Bulbo's arms, +regardless of all ceremony, she cried out, "Oh, my Prince! my lord! my +love! my Bulbo! Thine Angelica has been in time to save thy precious +existence, sweet rosebud; to prevent thy being nipped in thy young +bloom! Had aught befallen thee, Angelica too had died, and welcomed +death that joined her to her Bulbo." + +"H'm! there's no accounting for tastes," said Bulbo, looking so very +much puzzled and uncomfortable that the Princess, in tones of tenderest +strain, asked the cause of his disquiet. + +"I tell you what it is, Angelica," said he, "since I came here +yesterday, there has been such a row, and disturbance, and quarrelling, +and fighting, and chopping of heads off, and the deuce to pay, that I am +inclined to go back to Crim Tartary." + +"But with me as thy bride, my Bulbo! Though wherever thou art is Crim +Tartary to me, my bold, my beautiful, my Bulbo!" + +"Well, well, I suppose we must be married," says Bulbo. "Doctor, you +came to read the Funeral Service--read the Marriage Service, will you? +What must be, must. That will satisfy Angelica, and then, in the name of +peace and quietness, do let us go back to breakfast." + +Bulbo had carried a rose in his mouth all the time of the dismal +ceremony. It was a fairy rose, and he was told by his mother that he +ought never to part with it. So he had kept it between his teeth, even +when he laid his poor head upon the block, hoping vaguely that some +chance would turn up in his favor. As he began to speak to Angelica, he +forgot about the rose, and of course it dropped out of his mouth. The +romantic Princess instantly stooped and seized it. "Sweet rose!" she +exclaimed, "that bloomed upon my Bulbo's lip, never, never will I part +from thee!" and she placed it in her bosom. And you know Bulbo COULDN'T +ask her to give the rose back again. And they went to breakfast; and as +they walked, it appeared to Bulbo that Angelica became more exquisitely +lovely every moment. + +He was frantic until they were married; and now, strange to say, it was +Angelica who didn't care about him! He knelt down, he kissed her hand, +he prayed and begged; he cried with admiration; while she for her part +said she really thought they might wait; it seemed to her he was not +handsome any more--no, not at all, quite the reverse; and not clever, +no, very stupid; and not well bred, like Giglio; no, on the contrary, +dreadfully vul-- + +What, I cannot say, for King Valoroso roared out "POOH, stuff!" in a +terrible voice. "We will have no more of this shilly-shallying! Call the +Archbishop, and let the Prince and Princess be married offhand!" + +So, married they were, and I am sure for my part I trust they will be +happy. + + +XII. HOW BETSINDA FLED, AND WHAT BECAME OF HER. + + +Betsinda wandered on and on, till she passed through the town gates, and +so on the great Crim Tartary road, the very way on which Giglio too +was going. "Ah!" thought she, as the diligence passed her, of which the +conductor was blowing a delightful tune on his horn, "how I should like +to be on that coach!" But the coach and the jingling horses were very +soon gone. She little knew who was in it, though very likely she was +thinking of him all the time. + +Then came an empty cart, returning from market; and the driver being +a kind man, and seeing such a very pretty girl trudging along the road +with bare feet, most good-naturedly gave her a seat. He said he lived on +the confines of the forest, where his old father was a woodman, and, if +she liked, he would take her so far on her road. All roads were the same +to little Betsinda, so she very thankfully took this one. + +And the carter put a cloth round her bare feet, and gave her some bread +and cold bacon, and was very kind to her. For all that she was very cold +and melancholy. When after travelling on and on, evening came, and all +the black pines were bending with snow, and there, at last, was the +comfortable light beaming in the woodman's windows; and so they arrived, +and went into his cottage. He was an old man, and had a number of +children, who were just at supper, with nice hot bread-and-milk, when +their elder brother arrived with the cart. And they jumped and clapped +their hands; for they were good children; and he had brought them toys +from the town. And when they saw the pretty stranger, they ran to +her, and brought her to the fire, and rubbed her poor little feet, and +brought her bread and milk. + +"Look, father!" they said to the old woodman, "look at this poor girl, +and see what pretty cold feet she has. They are as white as our milk! +And look and see what an odd cloak she has, just like the bit of velvet +that hangs up in our cupboard, and which you found that day the little +cubs were killed by King Padella, in the forest! And look, why, bless +us all! she has got round her neck just such another little shoe as +that you brought home, and have shown us so often--a little blue velvet +shoe!" + +"What," said the old woodman, "what is all this about a shoe and a +cloak?" + +And Betsinda explained that she had been left, when quite a little +child, at the town with this cloak and this shoe. And the persons who +had taken care of her had--had been angry with her, for no fault, she +hoped, of her own. And they had sent her away with her old clothes--and +here, in fact, she was. She remembered having been in a forest--and +perhaps it was a dream--it was so very odd and strange--having lived in +a cave with lions there; and, before that, having lived in a very, very +fine house, as fine as the King's, in the town. + +When the woodman heard this, he was so astonished, it was quite curious +to see how astonished he was. He went to his cupboard, and took out of +a stocking a five-shilling piece of King Cavolfiore, and vowed it was +exactly like the young woman. And then he produced the shoe and piece +of velvet which he had kept so long, and compared them with the things +which Betsinda wore. In Betsinda's little shoe was written, "Hopkins, +maker to the Royal Family"; so in the other shoe was written, "Hopkins, +maker to the Royal Family." In the inside of Betsinda's piece of +cloak was embroidered, "PRIN ROSAL"; in the other piece of cloak was +embroidered "CESS BA. NO. 246." So that when put together you read, +"PRINCESS ROSALBA. NO. 246." + +On seeing this, the dear old woodman fell down on his knee, saying, +"O my Princess, O my gracious royal lady, O my rightful Queen of Crim +Tartary,--I hail thee--I acknowledge thee--I do thee homage!" And in +token of his fealty, he rubbed his venerable nose three times on the +ground, and put the Princess's foot on his head. + +"Why," said she, "my good woodman, you must be a nobleman of my royal +father's Court!" For in her lowly retreat, and under the name of +Betsinda, HER MAJESTY, ROSALBA, Queen of Crim Tartary, had read of the +customs of all foreign courts and nations. + +"Marry, indeed, am I, my gracious liege--the poor Lord Spinachi +once--the humble woodman these fifteen years syne--ever since the tyrant +Padella (may ruin overtake the treacherous knave!) dismissed me from my +post of First Lord." + +"First Lord of the Toothpick and Joint Keeper of the Snuffbox? I mind +me! Thou heldest these posts under our royal Sire. They are restored to +thee, Lord Spinachi! I make thee knight of the second class of our Order +of the Pumpkin (the first class being reserved for crowned heads alone). +Rise, Marquis of Spinachi!" And with indescribable majesty, the Queen, +who had no sword handy, waved the pewter spoon with which she had been +taking her bread-and-milk, over the bald head of the old nobleman, whose +tears absolutely made a puddle on the ground, and whose dear children +went to bed that night Lords and Ladies Bartolomeo, Ubaldo, Catarina, +and Ottavia degli Spinachi! + +The acquaintance HER MAJESTY showed with the history, and NOBLE FAMILIES +of her empire, was wonderful. "The House of Broccoli should remain +faithful to us," she said; "they were ever welcome at our Court. Have +the Articiocchi, as was their wont, turned to the Rising Sun? The family +of Sauerkraut must sure be with us--they were ever welcome in the halls +of King Cavolfiore." And so she went on enumerating quite a list of +the nobility and gentry of Crim Tartary, so admirably had her Majesty +profited by her studies while in exile. + +The old Marquis of Spinachi said he could answer for them all; that the +whole country groaned under Padella's tyranny, and longed to return to +its rightful sovereign; and late as it was, he sent his children, who +knew the forest well, to summon this nobleman and that; and when his +eldest son, who had been rubbing the horse down and giving him his +supper, came into the house for his own, the Marquis told him to put his +boots on, and a saddle on the mare, and ride hither and thither to such +and such people. + +When the young man heard who his companion in the cart had been, he too +knelt down and put her royal foot on his head; he too bedewed the ground +with his tears; he was frantically in love with her, as everybody now +was who saw her: so were the young Lords Bartolomeo and Ubaldo, who +punched each other's little heads out of jealousy: and so, when they +came from east and west at the summons of the Marquis degli Spinachi, +were the Crim Tartar Lords who still remained faithful to the House of +Cavolfiore. They were such very old gentlemen for the most part that her +Majesty never suspected their absurd passion, and went among them quite +unaware of the havoc her beauty was causing, until an old blind Lord who +had joined her party told her what the truth was; after which, for fear +of making the people too much in love with her, she always wore a veil. +She went about privately, from one nobleman's castle to another; and +they visited among themselves again, and had meetings, and composed +proclamations and counter-proclamations, and distributed all the best +places of the kingdom amongst one another, and selected who of the +opposition party should be executed when the Queen came to her own. And +so in about a year they were ready to move. + +The party of Fidelity was in truth composed of very feeble old fogies +for the most part; they went about the country waving their old swords +and flags, and calling "God save the Queen!" and King Padella happening +to be absent upon an invasion, they had their own way for a little, +and to be sure the people were very enthusiastic whenever they saw the +Queen; otherwise the vulgar took matters very quietly, for they said, +as far as they could recollect, they were pretty well as much taxed in +Cavolfiore's time, as now in Padella's. + + +XIII. HOW QUEEN ROSALBA CAME TO THE CASTLE OF THE BOLD COUNT HOGGINARMO. + + +Her Majesty, having indeed nothing else to give, made all her followers +Knights of the Pumpkin, and Marquises, Earls, and Baronets; and they had +a little court for her, and made her a little crown of gilt paper, and a +robe of cotton velvet; and they quarrelled about the places to be given +away in her court, and about rank and precedence and dignities;--you +can't think how they quarrelled! The poor Queen was very tired of her +honors before she had had them a month, and I dare say sighed sometimes +even to be a lady's-maid again. But we must all do our duty in our +respective stations, so the Queen resigned herself to perform hers. + +We have said how it happened that none of the Usurper's troops came out +to oppose this Army of Fidelity: it pottered along as nimbly as the +gout of the principal commanders allowed: it consisted of twice as many +officers as soldiers: and at length passed near the estates of one of +the most powerful noblemen of the country, who had not declared for the +Queen, but of whom her party had hopes, as he was always quarrelling +with King Padella. + +When they came close to his park gates, this nobleman sent to say he +would wait upon her Majesty: he was a most powerful warrior, and his +name was Count Hogginarmo, whose helmet it took two strong negroes to +carry. He knelt down before her and said, "Madam and liege lady! it +becomes the great nobles of the Crimean realm to show every outward sign +of respect to the wearer of the Crown, whoever that may be. We testify +to our own nobility in acknowledging yours. The bold Hogginarmo bends +the knee to the first of the aristocracy of his country." + +Rosalba said the bold Count of Hogginarmo was uncommonly kind; but she +felt afraid of him, even while he was kneeling, and his eyes scowled at +her from between his whiskers, which grew up to them. + +"The first Count of the Empire, madam," he went on, "salutes the +Sovereign. The Prince addresses himself to the not more noble lady! +Madam, my hand is free, and I offer it, and my heart and my sword to +your service! My three wives lie buried in my ancestral vaults. The +third perished but a year since; and this heart pines for a consort! +Deign to be mine, and I swear to bring to your bridal table the head of +King Padella, the eyes and nose of his son Prince Bulbo, the right hand +and ears of the usurping Sovereign of Paflagonia, which country shall +thenceforth be an appanage to your--to OUR Crown! Say yes; Hogginarmo is +not accustomed to be denied. Indeed I cannot contemplate the possibility +of a refusal; for frightful will be the result; dreadful the murders; +furious the devastations; horrible the tyranny; tremendous the tortures, +misery, taxation, which the people of this realm will endure, if +Hogginarmo's wrath be aroused! I see consent in Your Majesty's lovely +eyes--their glances fill my soul with rapture!" + +"Oh, sir!" Rosalba said, withdrawing her hand in great fright. "Your +Lordship is exceedingly kind; but I am sorry to tell you that I have a +prior attachment to a young gentleman by the name of--Prince Giglio--and +never--never can marry any one but him." + +Who can describe Hogginarmo's wrath at this remark? Rising up from the +ground, he ground his teeth so that fire flashed out of his mouth, from +which at the same time issued remarks and language, so LOUD, +VIOLENT, AND IMPROPER, that this pen shall never repeat them! +"R-r-r-r-r-r--Rejected! Fiends and perdition! The bold Hogginarmo +rejected! All the world shall hear of my rage; and you, madam, you above +all shall rue it!" And kicking the two negroes before him, he rushed +away, his whiskers streaming in the wind. + +Her Majesty's Privy Council was in a dreadful panic when they saw +Hogginarmo issue from the royal presence in such a towering rage, making +footballs of the poor negroes--a panic which the events justified. They +marched off from Hogginarmo's park very crest-fallen; and in another +half-hour they were met by that rapacious chieftain with a few of his +followers, who cut, slashed, charged, whacked, banged, and pommelled +amongst them, took the Queen prisoner, and drove the Army of Fidelity to +I don't know where. + +Poor Queen! Hogginarmo, her conqueror, would not condescend to see her. +"Get a horse-van!" he said to his grooms, "clap the hussy into it, and +send her, with my compliments, to his Majesty King Padella." + +Along with his lovely prisoner, Hogginarmo sent a letter full of servile +compliments and loathsome flatteries to King Padella, for whose life, +and that of his royal family, the HYPOCRITICAL HUMBUG pretended to offer +the most fulsome prayers. And Hogginarmo promised speedily to pay his +humble homage at his august master's throne, of which he begged leave to +be counted the most loyal and constant defender. Such a WARY old BIRD +as King Padella was not to be caught by Master Hogginarmo's CHAFF and we +shall hear presently how the tyrant treated his upstart vassal. No, no; +depend on't, two such rogues do not trust one another. + +So this poor Queen was laid in the straw like Margery Daw, and driven +along in the dark ever so many miles to the Court, where King Padella +had now arrived, having vanquished all his enemies, murdered most of +them, and brought some of the richest into captivity with him for the +purpose of torturing them and finding out where they had hidden their +money. + +Rosalba heard their shrieks and groans in the dungeon in which she was +thrust; a most awful black hole, full of bats, rats, mice, toads, frogs, +mosquitoes, bugs, fleas, serpents, and every kind of horror. No light +was let into it, otherwise the gaolers might have seen her and fallen in +love with her, as an owl that lived up in the roof of the tower did, and +a cat, you know, who can see in the dark, and having set its green eyes +on Rosalba, never would be got to go back to the turnkey's wife to whom +it belonged. And the toads in the dungeon came and kissed her feet, +and the vipers wound round her neck and arms, and never hurt her, so +charming was this poor Princess in the midst of her misfortunes. + +At last, after she had been kept in this place EVER SO LONG, the door of +the dungeon opened, and the terrible KING PADELLA came in. + +But what he said and did must be reserved for another chapter, as we +must now back to Prince Giglio. + + +XIV. WHAT BECAME OF GIGLIO. + + +The idea of marrying such an old creature as Gruffanuff frightened +Prince Giglio so, that he ran up to his room, packed his trunks, +fetched in a couple of porters, and was off to the diligence office in a +twinkling. + +It was well that he was so quick in his operations, did not dawdle over +his luggage, and took the early coach: for as soon as the mistake about +Prince Bulbo was found out, that cruel Glumboso sent up a couple of +policemen to Prince Giglio's room, with orders that he should be carried +to Newgate, and his head taken off before twelve o'clock. But the coach +was out of the Paflagonian dominions before two o'clock; and I dare say +the express that was sent after Prince Giglio did not ride very quick, +for many people in Paflagonia had a regard for Giglio, as the son of +their old sovereign; a Prince who, with all his weaknesses, was very +much better than his brother, the usurping, lazy, careless, passionate, +tyrannical, reigning monarch. That Prince busied himself with the balls, +fetes, masquerades, hunting-parties, and so forth, which he thought +proper to give on occasion of his daughter's marriage to Prince Bulbo; +and let us trust was not sorry in his own heart that his brother's son +had escaped the scaffold. + +It was very cold weather, and the snow was on the ground, and +Giglio, who gave his name as simple Mr. Giles, was very glad to get a +comfortable place in the coupe of the diligence, where he sat with the +conductor and another gentleman. At the first stage from Blombodinga, +as they stopped to change horses, there came up to the diligence a very +ordinary, vulgar-looking woman, with a bag under her arm, who asked +for a place. All the inside places were taken, and the young woman was +informed that if she wished to travel, she must go upon the roof; and +the passenger inside with Giglio (a rude person, I should think), put +his head out of the window, and said, "Nice weather for travelling +outside! I wish you a pleasant journey, my dear." The poor woman coughed +very much, and Giglio pitied her. "I will give up my place to her," +says he, "rather than she should travel in the cold air with that horrid +cough." On which the vulgar traveller said, "YOU'D keep her warm, I am +sure, if it's a MUFF she wants." On which Giglio pulled his nose, boxed +his ears, hit him in the eye, and gave this vulgar person a warning +never to call him MUFF again. + +Then he sprang up gaily on to the roof of the diligence, and made +himself very comfortable in the straw. The vulgar traveller got down +only at the next station, and Giglio took his place again, and talked +to the person next to him. She appeared to be a most agreeable, +well-informed, and entertaining female. They travelled together till +night, and she gave Giglio all sorts of things out of the bag which +she carried, and which indeed seemed to contain the most wonderful +collection of articles. He was thirsty--out there came a pint bottle +of Bass's pale ale, and a silver mug! Hungry--she took out a cold fowl, +some slices of ham, bread, salt, and a most delicious piece of cold +plum-pudding, and a little glass of brandy afterwards. + +As they travelled, this plain-looking, queer woman talked to Giglio on +a variety of subjects, in which the poor Prince showed his ignorance as +much as she did her capacity. He owned, with many blushes, how ignorant +he was; on which the lady said, "My dear Gigl--my good Mr. Giles, you +are a young man, and have plenty of time before you. You have nothing to +do but to improve yourself. Who knows but that you may find use for your +knowledge some day? When--when you may be wanted at home, as some people +may be." + +"Good heavens, madam!" says he, "do you know me?" + +"I know a number of funny things," says the lady. "I have been at some +people's christenings, and turned away from other folks' doors. I have +seen some people spoilt by good fortune, and others, as I hope, improved +by hardship. I advise you to stay at the town where the coach stops for +the night. Stay there and study, and remember your old friend to whom +you were kind." + +"And who is my old friend?" asked Giglio. + +"When you want anything," says the lady, "look in this bag, which I +leave to you as a present, and be grateful to--" + +"To whom, madam?" says he. + +"To the Fairy Blackstick," says the lady, flying out of the window. And +then Giglio asked the conductor if he knew where the lady was? + +"What lady?" says the man; "there has been no lady in this coach, except +the old woman, who got out at the last stage." And Giglio thought he +had been dreaming. But there was the bag which Blackstick had given him +lying on his lap; and when he came to the town he took it in his hand +and went into the inn. + +They gave him a very bad bedroom, and Giglio, when he woke in the +morning, fancying himself in the Royal Palace at home, called, "John, +Charles, Thomas! My chocolate--my dressing-gown--my slippers;" but +nobody came. There was no bell, so he went and bawled out for water on +the top of the stairs. + +The landlady came up, looking--looking like this-- + +"What are you a-hollering and a-bellaring for here, young man?" says +she. + +"There's no warm water--no servants; my boots are not even cleaned." + +"He, he! Clean 'em yourself," says the landlady. "You young students +give yourselves pretty airs. I never heard such impudence." + +"I'll quit the house this instant," says Giglio. + +"The sooner the better, young man. Pay your bill and be off. All my +rooms is wanted for gentlefolks, and not for such as you." + +"You may well keep the Bear Inn," said Giglio. "You should have yourself +painted as the sign." + +The landlady of the Bear went away GROWLING. And Giglio returned to his +room, where the first thing he saw was the fairy bag lying on the table, +which seemed to give a little hop as he came in. "I hope it has some +breakfast in it," says Giglio, "for I have only a very little money +left." But on opening the bag, what do you think was there? A blacking +brush and a pot of Warren's jet, and on the pot was written, + + "Poor young men their boots must black: + Use me and cork me and put me back." + +So Giglio laughed and blacked his boots, and put back the brush and the +bottle into the bag. + +When he had done dressing himself, the bag gave another little hop, and +he went to it and took out-- + +1. A tablecloth and a napkin. + +2. A sugar-basin full of the best loaf-sugar. + +4, 6, 8, 10. Two forks, two teaspoons, two knives, and a pair of +sugar-tongs, and a butter-knife all marked G. + +11, 12, 13. A teacup, saucer, and slop-basin. + +14. A jug full of delicious cream. + +15. A canister with black tea and green. + +16. A large tea-urn and boiling water. + +17. A saucepan, containing three eggs nicely done. + +18. A quarter of a pound of best Epping butter. + +19. A brown loaf. + +And if he hadn't enough now for a good breakfast, I should like to know +who ever had one? + +Giglio, having had his breakfast, popped all the things back into +the bag, and went out looking for lodgings. I forgot to say that this +celebrated university town was called Bosforo. + +He took a modest lodging opposite the Schools, paid his bill at the +inn, and went to his apartment with his trunk, carpet-bag, and not +forgetting, we may be sure, his OTHER bag. + +When he opened his trunk, which the day before he had filled with his +best clothes, he found it contained only books. And in the first of them +which he opened there was written-- + + "Clothes for the back, books for the head: + Read, and remember them when they are read." + +And in his bag, when Giglio looked in it, he found a student's cap and +gown, a writing-book full of paper, an inkstand, pens, and a Johnson's +dictionary, which was very useful to him, as his spelling had been sadly +neglected. + +So he sat down and worked away, very, very hard for a whole year, +during which "Mr. Giles" was quite an example to all the students in the +University of Bosforo. He never got into any riots or disturbances. The +Professors all spoke well of him, and the students liked him too; so +that, when at examination, he took all the prizes, viz.:-- + + {The Spelling Prize {The French Prize + {The Writing Prize {The Arithmetic Prize + {The History Prize {The Latin Prize + {The Catechism Prize {The Good Conduct Prize, + +all his fellow-students said, "Hurrah! Hurray for Giles! Giles is +the boy--the student's joy! Hurray for Giles!" And he brought quite a +quantity of medals, crowns, books, and tokens of distinction home to his +lodgings. + +One day after the Examinations, as he was diverting himself at a +coffee-house with two friends--(Did I tell you that in his bag, every +Saturday night, he found just enough to pay his bills, with a guinea +over, for pocket-money? Didn't I tell you? Well, he did, as sure as +twice twenty makes forty-five)--he chanced to look in the Bosforo +Chronicle, and read off, quite easily (for he could spell, read, and +write the longest words now), the following:-- + +"ROMANTIC CIRCUMSTANCE.--One of the most extraordinary adventures that +we have ever heard has set the neighboring country of Crim Tartary in a +state of great excitement. + +"It will be remembered that when the present revered sovereign of Crim +Tartary, his Majesty King PADELLA, took possession of the throne, after +having vanquished, in the terrific battle of Blunderbusco, the late +King CAVOLFIORE, that Prince's only child, the Princess Rosalba, was not +found in the royal palace, of which King Padella took possession, and, +it was said, had strayed into the forest (being abandoned by all her +attendants) where she had been eaten up by those ferocious lions, the +last pair of which were captured some time since, and brought to the +Tower, after killing several hundred persons. + +"His Majesty King Padella, who has the kindest heart in the world, +was grieved at the accident which had occurred to the harmless little +Princess, for whom his Majesty's known benevolence would certainly have +provided a fitting establishment. But her death seemed to be certain. +The mangled remains of a cloak, and a little shoe, were found in the +forest, during a hunting-party, in which the intrepid sovereign of +Crim Tartary slew two of the lions' cubs with his own spear. And these +interesting relics of an innocent little creature were carried home +and kept by their finder, the Baron Spinachi, formerly an officer in +Cavolfiore's household. The Baron was disgraced in consequence of his +known legitimist opinions, and has lived for some time in the humble +capacity of a wood-cutter, in a forest on the outskirts of the Kingdom +of Crim Tartary. + +"Last Tuesday week Baron Spinachi and a number of gentlemen, attached +to the former dynasty, appeared in arms, crying, 'God save Rosalba, +the first Queen of Crim Tartary!' and surrounding a lady whom report +describes as 'BEAUTIFUL EXCEEDINGLY.' Her history MAY be authentic, IS +certainly most romantic. + +"The personage calling herself Rosalba states that she was brought out +of the forest, fifteen years since, by a lady in a car drawn by dragons +(this account is certainly IMPROBABLE), that she was left in the Palace +Garden of Blombodinga, where Her Royal Highness the Princess Angelica, +now married to His Royal Highness Bulbo, Crown Prince of Crim Tartary, +found the child, and, with THAT ELEGANT BENEVOLENCE which has always +distinguished the heiress of the throne of Paflagonia, gave the little +outcast a SHELTER AND A HOME! Her parentage not being known, and her +garb very humble, the foundling was educated in the Palace in a menial +capacity, under the name of BETSINDA. + +"She did not give satisfaction, and was dismissed, carrying with her, +certainly, part of a mantle and a shoe, which she had on when first +found. According to her statement she quitted Blombodinga about a year +ago, since which time she has been with the Spinachi family. On the +very same morning the Prince Giglio, nephew to the King of Paflagonia, +a young Prince whose character for TALENT and ORDER were, to say truth, +NONE OF THE HIGHEST, also quitted Blombodinga, and has not been since +heard of!" + +"What an extraordinary story!" said Smith and Jones, two young students, +Giglio's especial friends. + +"Ha! what is this?" Giglio went on, reading:-- + +"SECOND EDITION, EXPRESS.--We hear that the troop under Baron Spinachi +has been surrounded, and utterly routed, by General Count Hogginarmo, +and the soi-disant Princess is sent a prisoner to the capital. + +"UNIVERSITY NEWS.--Yesterday, at the Schools, the distinguished young +student, Mr. Giles, read a Latin oration, and was complimented by +the Chancellor of Bosforo, Dr. Prugnaro, with the highest University +honor--the wooden spoon." + +"Never mind that stuff," says GILES, greatly disturbed. "Come home +with me, my friends. Gallant Smith! intrepid Jones! friends of my +studies--partakers of my academic toils--I have that to tell which shall +astonish your honest minds." + +"Go it, old boy!" cries the impetuous Smith. + +"Talk away, my buck!" says Jones, a lively fellow. + +With an air of indescribable dignity, Giglio checked their natural, but +no more seemly, familiarity. "Jones, Smith, my good friends," said the +PRINCE, "disguise is henceforth useless; I am no more the humble student +Giles, I am the descendant of a royal line." + +"Atavis edite regibus. I know, old co--" cried Jones. He was going to +say old cock, but a flash from THE ROYAL EYE again awed him. + +"Friends," continued the Prince, "I am that Giglio: I am, in fact, +Paflagonia. Rise, Smith, and kneel not in the public street. Jones, thou +true heart! My faithless uncle, when I was a baby, filched from me that +brave crown my father left me, bred me, all young and careless of my +rights, like unto hapless Hamlet, Prince of Denmark; and had I any +thoughts about my wrongs, soothed me with promises of near redress. I +should espouse his daughter, young Angelica; we two indeed should reign +in Paflagonia. His words were false--false as Angelica's heart!--false +as Angelica's hair, color, front teeth! She looked with her skew eyes +upon young Bulbo, Crim Tartary's stupid heir, and she preferred him. +Twas then I turned my eyes upon Betsinda--Rosalba, as she now is. And +I saw in her the blushing sum of all perfection; the pink of maiden +modesty; the nymph that my fond heart had ever woo'd in dreams," &c. &c. + +(I don't give this speech, which was very fine, but very long; and +though Smith and Jones knew nothing about the circumstances, my dear +reader does, so I go on.) + +The Prince and his young friends hastened home to his apartment, +highly excited by the intelligence, as no doubt by the ROYAL NARRATOR'S +admirable manner of recounting it, and they ran up to his room where he +had worked so hard at his books. + +On his writing-table was his bag, grown so long that the Prince could +not help remarking it. He went to it, opened it, and what do you think +he found in it? + +A splendid long, gold-handled, red-velvet-scabbarded, cut-and-thrust +sword, and on the sheath was embroidered "ROSALBA FOR EVER!" + +He drew out the sword, which flashed and illuminated the whole room, and +called out "Rosalba for ever!" Smith and Jones following him, but quite +respectfully this time, and taking the time from His Royal Highness. + +And now his trunk opened with a sudden pong, and out there came three +ostrich feathers in a gold crown, surrounding a beautiful shining steel +helmet, a cuirass, a pair of spurs, finally a complete suit of armor. + +The books on Giglio's shelves were all gone. Where there had been some +great dictionaries, Giglio's friends found two pairs of jack-boots +labelled, "Lieutenant Smith," "---- Jones, Esq.," which fitted them to +a nicety. Besides, there were helmets, back and breast plates, swords, +&c., just like in Mr. G. P. R. James's novels; and that evening three +cavaliers might have been seen issuing from the gates of Bosforo, in +whom the porters, proctors, &c., never thought of recognising the young +Prince and his friends. + +They got horses at a livery stable-keeper's, and never drew bridle +until they reached the last town on the frontier before you come to Crim +Tartary. Here, as their animals were tired, and the cavaliers hungry, +they stopped and refreshed at an hostel. I could make a chapter of this +if I were like some writers, but I like to cram my measure tight down, +you see, and give you a great deal for your money, and, in a word, they +had some bread and cheese and ale upstairs on the balcony of the inn. +As they were drinking, drums and trumpets sounded nearer and nearer, +the marketplace was filled with soldiers, and His Royal Highness looking +forth, recognised the Paflagonian banners, and the Paflagonian national +air which the bands were playing. + +The troops all made for the tavern at once, and as they came up Giglio +exclaimed, on beholding their leader, "Whom do I see? Yes!--no! It +is, it is!--Phoo!--No, it can't be! Yes! it is my friend, my gallant +faithful veteran, Captain Hedzoff! Ho, Hedzoff! Knowest thou not thy +Prince, thy Giglio? Good Corporal, methinks we once were friends. Ha, +Sergeant, an my memory serves me right, we have had many a bout at +singlestick." + +"I' faith, we have, a many, good my Lord," says the Sergeant. + +"Tell me, what means this mighty armament," continued His Royal Highness +from the balcony, "and whither march my Paflagonians?" + +Hedzoff's head fell. "My Lord," he said, "we march as the allies of +great Padella, Crim Tartary's monarch." + +"Crim Tartary's usurper, gallant Hedzoff! Crim Tartary's grim tyrant, +honest Hedzoff!" said the Prince, on the balcony, quite sarcastically. + +"A soldier, Prince, must needs obey his orders: mine are to help his +Majesty Padella. And also (though alack that I should say it!) to seize +wherever I should light upon him--" + +"First catch your hare! ha, Hedzoff!" exclaimed His Royal Highness. + +"--On the body of GIGLIO, whilome Prince of Paflagonia" Hedzoff went on, +with indescribable emotion. "My Prince, give up your sword without ado. +Look! we are thirty thousand men to one!" + +"Give up my sword! Giglio give up his sword!" cried the Prince; and +stepping well forward on to the balcony, the royal youth, WITHOUT +PREPARATION, delivered a speech so magnificent, that no report can do +justice to it. It was all in blank verse (in which, from this time, he +invariably spoke, as more becoming his majestic station). It lasted for +three days and three nights, during which not a single person who heard +him was tired, or remarked the difference between daylight and dark. +The soldiers only cheering tremendously, when occasionally, once in nine +hours, the Prince paused to suck an orange, which Jones took out of the +bag. He explained, in terms which we say we shall not attempt to convey, +the whole history of the previous transaction, and his determination not +only not to give up his sword, but to assume his rightful crown; and +at the end of this extraordinary, this truly GIGANTIC effort, Captain +Hedzoff flung up his helmet, and cried, "Hurray! Hurray! Long live King +Giglio!" + +Such were the consequences of having employed his time well at College! + +When the excitement had ceased, beer was ordered out for the army, and +their Sovereign himself did not disdain a little! And now it was with +some alarm that Captain Hedzoff told him his division was only the +advanced guard of the Paflagonian contingent, hastening to King +Padella's aid; the main force being a day's march in the rear under His +Royal Highness Prince Bulbo. + +"We will wait here, good friend, to beat the Prince," his Majesty said, +"and THEN will make his royal father wince." + + +XV. WE RETURN TO ROSALBA. + + +King Padella made very similar proposals to Rosalba to those which she +had received from the various princes who, as we have seen, had fallen +in love with her. His Majesty was a widower, and offered to marry his +fair captive that instant, but she declined his invitation in her usual +polite gentle manner, stating that Prince Giglio was her love, and +that any other union was out of the question. Having tried tears and +supplications in vain, this violent-tempered monarch menaced her with +threats and tortures; but she declared she would rather suffer all these +than accept the hand of her father's murderer, who left her finally, +uttering the most awful imprecations, and bidding her prepare for death +on the following morning. + +All night long the King spent in advising how he should get rid of this +obdurate young creature. Cutting off her head was much too easy a death +for her; hanging was so common in his Majesty's dominions that it no +longer afforded him any sport; finally, he bethought himself of a pair +of fierce lions which had lately been sent to him as presents, and he +determined, with these ferocious brutes, to hunt poor Rosalba down. +Adjoining his castle was an amphitheatre where the Prince indulged in +bull-baiting, rat-hunting, and other ferocious sports. The two lions +were kept in a cage under this place; their roaring might be heard over +the whole city, the inhabitants of which, I am sorry to say, thronged in +numbers to see a poor young lady gobbled up by two wild beasts. + +The King took his place in the royal box, having the officers of his +Court around and the Count Hogginarmo by his side, upon whom his Majesty +was observed to look very fiercely: the fact is, royal spies had told +the monarch of Hogginarmo's behavior, his proposals to Rosalba, and his +offer to fight for the crown. Black as thunder looked King Padella at +this proud noble, as they sat in the front seats of the theatre waiting +to see the tragedy whereof poor Rosalba was to be the heroine. + +At length that Princess was brought out in her nightgown, with all her +beautiful hair falling down her back, and looking so pretty that even +the beef-eaters and keepers of the wild animals wept plentifully at +seeing her. And she walked with her poor little feet (only luckily the +arena was covered with sawdust), and went and leaned up against a great +stone in the centre of the amphitheatre, round which the Court and the +people were seated in boxes, with bars before them, for fear of +the great, fierce, red-maned, black-throated, long-tailed, roaring, +bellowing, rushing lions. + +And now the gates were opened, and with a "Wurrawarrurawarar!" two great +lean, hungry, roaring lions rushed out of their den, where they had been +kept for three weeks on nothing but a little toast-and-water, and dashed +straight up to the stone where poor Rosalba was waiting. Commend her to +your patron saints, all you kind people, for she is in a dreadful state! + +There was a hum and a buzz all through the circus, and the fierce King +Padella even felt a little compassion. But Count Hogginarmo, seated by +his Majesty, roared out "Hurray! Now for it! Soo-soo-soo!" that nobleman +being uncommonly angry still at Rosalba's refusal of him. + +But, O strange event! O remarkable circumstance! O extraordinary +coincidence, which I am sure none of you could BY ANY POSSIBILITY have +divined! When the lions came to Rosalba, instead of devouring her with +their great teeth, it was with kisses they gobbled her up! They licked +her pretty feet, they nuzzled their noses in her lap, they moo'd, they +seemed to say, "Dear, dear sister don't you recollect your brothers in +the forest?" And she put her pretty white arms round their tawny necks, +and kissed them. + +King Padella was immensely astonished. The Count Hogginarmo was +extremely disgusted. "Pooh!" the Count cried. "Gammon!" exclaimed his +Lordship. "These lions are tame beasts come from Wombwell's or Astley's. +It is a shame to put people off in this way. I believe they are little +boys dressed up in door-mats. They are no lions at all." + +"Ha!" said the King, "you dare to say 'Gammon!' to your Sovereign, do +you? These lions are no lions at all, aren't they? Ho! my beef-eaters! +Ho! my bodyguard! Take this Count Hogginarmo and fling him into the +circus! Give him a sword and buckler, let him keep his armor on, and his +weather-eye out, and fight these lions." + +The haughty Hogginarmo laid down his opera-glass, and looked scowling +round at the King and his attendants. "Touch me not, dogs!" he said, +"or by St. Nicholas the Elder, I will gore you! Your Majesty thinks +Hogginarmo is afraid? No, not of a hundred thousand lions! Follow me +down into the circus, King Padella, and match thyself against one of +yon brutes. Thou darest not. Let them both come on, then!" And opening a +grating of the box, he jumped lightly down into the circus. + + WURRA WURRA WURRA WUR-AW-AW-AW!!! + In about two minutes + The Count Hogginarmo was + GOBBLED UP + by + those lions, + bones, boots, and all, + and + There was an + End of him. + +At this, the King said, "Serve him right, the rebellious ruffian! And +now, as those lions won't eat that young woman--" + +"Let her off!--let her off!" cried the crowd. + +"NO!" roared the King. "Let the beef-eaters go down and chop her into +small pieces. If the lions defend her, let the archers shoot them to +death. That hussy shall die in tortures!" + +"A-a-ah!" cried the crowd. "Shame! shame!" + +"Who dares cry out 'Shame?'" cried the furious potentate (so little can +tyrants command their passions). "Fling any scoundrel who says a word +down among the lions!" I warrant you there was a dead silence then, +which was broken by a "Pang arang pang pangkarangpang!" and a Knight and +a Herald rode in at the further end of the circus; the Knight, in full +armor, with his vizor up, and bearing a letter on the point of his +lance. + +"Ha!" exclaimed the King, "by my fay, 'tis Elephant and Castle, +pursuivant of my brother of Paflagonia; and the Knight, an my memory +serves me, is the gallant Captain Hedzoff! What news from Paflagonia, +gallant Hedzoff? Elephant and Castle, beshrew me, thy trumpeting must +have made thee thirsty. What will my trusty herald like to drink?" + +"Bespeaking first safe conduct from your Lordship," said Captain +Hedzoff, "before we take a drink of anything, permit us to deliver our +King's message." + +"My Lordship, ha!" said Crim Tartary, frowning terrifically. "That title +soundeth strange in the anointed ears of a crowned King. Straightway +speak out your message, Knight and Herald!" + +Reining up his charger in a most elegant manner close under the King's +balcony, Hedzoff turned to the Herald, and bade him begin. + +Elephant and Castle, dropping his trumpet over his shoulder, took a +large sheet of paper out of his hat, and began to read:-- + +"O Yes! O Yes! O Yes! Know all men by these presents, that we, Giglio, +King of Paflagonia, Grand Duke of Cappadocia, Sovereign Prince of Turkey +and the Sausage Islands, having assumed our rightful throne and title, +long time falsely borne by our usurping Uncle, styling himself King of +Paflagonia--" + +"Ha!" growled Padella. + +"Hereby summon the false traitor, Padella, calling himself King of Crim +Tartary--" + +The King's curses were dreadful. "Go on, Elephant and Castle!" said the +intrepid Hedzoff. + +"--To release from cowardly imprisonment his liege lady and rightful +Sovereign, ROSALBA, Queen of Crim Tartary, and restore her to her royal +throne: in default of which, I, Giglio, proclaim the said Padella sneak, +traitor, humbug, usurper, and coward. I challenge him to meet me, with +fists or with pistols, with battle-axe or sword, with blunderbuss or +single-stick, alone or at the head of his army, on foot or on horseback; +and will prove my words upon his wicked ugly body!" + +"God save the King!" said Captain Hedzoff, executing a demivolte, two +semilunes, and three caracols. + +"Is that all?" said Padella, with the terrific calm of concentrated +fury. + +"That, sir, is all my royal master's message. Here is his Majesty's +letter in autograph, and here is his glove, and if any gentleman of +Crim Tartary chooses to find fault with his Majesty's expressions, I, +Kustasoff Hedzoff, Captain of the Guard, am very much at his service," +and he waved his lance, and looked at the assembly all round. + +"And what says my good brother of Paflagonia, my dear son's +father-in-law, to this rubbish?" asked the King. + +"The King's uncle hath been deprived of the crown he unjustly wore," +said Hedzoff gravely. "He and his ex-minister, Glumboso, are now in +prison waiting the sentence of my royal master. After the battle of +Bombardaro--" + +"Of what?" asked the surprised Padella. + +"--Of Bombardaro, where my liege, his present Majesty, would have +performed prodigies of valor, but that the whole of his uncle's army +came over to our side, with the exception of Prince Bulbo--" + +"Ah! my boy, my boy, my Bulbo was no traitor!" cried Padella. + +"Prince Bulbo, far from coming over to us, ran away, sir; but I caught +him. The Prince is a prisoner in our army, and the most terrific +tortures await him if a hair of the Princess Rosalba's head is injured." + +"Do they?" exclaimed the furious Padella, who was now perfectly LIVID +with rage. "Do they indeed? So much the worse for Bulbo. I've twenty +sons as lovely each as Bulbo. Not one but is as fit to reign as Bulbo. +Whip, whack, flog, starve, rack, punish, torture Bulbo--break all his +bones--roast him or flay him alive--pull all his pretty teeth out one by +one! But justly dear as Bulbo is to me,--joy of my eyes, fond treasure +of my soul!--Ha, ha, ha, ha! revenge is dearer still. Ho! tortures, +rack-men, executioners--light up the fires and make the pincers hot! get +lots of boiling lead!--Bring out ROSALBA!" + + +XVI. HOW HEDZOFF RODE BACK AGAIN TO KING GIGLIO. + + +Captain Hedzoff rode away when King Padella uttered this cruel command, +having done his duty in delivering the message with which his royal +master had entrusted him. Of course he was very sorry for Rosalba, but +what could he do? + +So he returned to King Giglio's camp, and found the young monarch in a +disturbed state of mind, smoking cigars in the royal tent. His +Majesty's agitation was not appeased by the news that was brought by +his ambassador. "The brutal, ruthless ruffian royal wretch!" Giglio +exclaimed. "As England's poesy has well remarked, 'The man that lays +his hand upon a woman, save in the way of kindness, is a villain.' Ha, +Hedzoff!" + +"That he is, your Majesty," said the attendant. + +"And didst thou see her flung into the oil? and didn't the soothing +oil--the emollient oil, refuse to boil, good Hedzoff--and to spoil the +fairest lady ever eyes did look on?" + +"'Faith, good my liege, I had no heart to look and see a beauteous lady +boiling down; I took your royal message to Padella, and bore his back +to you. I told him you would hold Prince Bulbo answerable. He only said +that he had twenty sons as good as Bulbo, and forthwith he bade the +ruthless executioners proceed." + +"O cruel father--O unhappy son!" cried the King. "Go, some of you, and +bring Prince Bulbo hither." + +Bulbo was brought in chains, looking very uncomfortable. Though a +prisoner, he had been tolerably happy, perhaps because his mind was at +rest, and all the fighting was over, and he was playing at marbles with +his guards when the King sent for him. + +"Oh, my poor Bulbo," said his Majesty, with looks of infinite +compassion, "hast thou heard the news?" (for you see Giglio wanted to +break the thing gently to the Prince), "thy brutal father has condemned +Rosalba--p-p-p-ut her to death, P-p-p-prince Bulbo!" + +"What, killed Betsinda! Boo-hoo-hoo," cried out Bulbo. "Betsinda! pretty +Betsinda! dear Betsinda! She was the dearest little girl in the world. +I love her better twenty thousand times even than Angelica." And he went +on expressing his grief in so hearty and unaffected a manner that the +King was quite touched by it, and said, shaking Bulbo's hand, that he +wished he had known Bulbo sooner. + +Bulbo, quite unconsciously, and meaning for the best, offered to come +and sit with his Majesty, and smoke a cigar with him, and console him. +The ROYAL KINDNESS supplied Bulbo with a cigar; he had not had one, he +said, since he was taken prisoner. + +And now think what must have been the feelings of the most MERCIFUL OF +MONARCHS, when he informed his prisoner that, in consequence of King +Padella's CRUEL AND DASTARDLY BEHAVIOR to Rosalba, Prince Bulbo must +instantly be executed! The noble Giglio could not restrain his tears, +nor could the Grenadiers, nor the officers, nor could Bulbo himself, +when the matter was explained to him, and he was brought to understand +that his Majesty's promise, of course, was ABOVE EVERYTHING, and Bulbo +must submit. So poor Bulbo was led out, Hedzoff trying to console him, +by pointing out that if he had won the battle of Bombardaro, he might +have hanged Prince Giglio. "Yes! But that is no comfort to me now!" said +poor Bulbo; nor indeed was it, poor fellow! + +He was told the business would be done the next morning at eight, and +was taken back to his dungeon, where every attention was paid to him. +The gaoler's wife sent him tea, and the turnkey's daughter begged him +to write his name in her album, where a many gentlemen had written it on +like occasions! "Bother your album!" says Bulbo. The Undertaker came and +measured him for the handsomest coffin which money could buy: even this +didn't console Bulbo. The Cook brought him dishes which he once used to +like; but he wouldn't touch them: he sat down and began writing an adieu +to Angelica, as the clock kept always ticking, and the hands drawing +nearer to next morning. The Barber came in at night, and offered to +shave him for the next day. Prince Bulbo kicked him away, and went +on writing a few words to Princess Angelica, as the clock kept always +ticking, and the hands hopping nearer and nearer to next morning. He got +up on the top of a hatbox, on the top of a chair, on the top of his bed, +on the top of his table, and looked out to see whether he might escape +as the clock kept always ticking and the hands drawing nearer, and +nearer, and nearer. + +But looking out of the window was one thing, and jumping another: and +the town clock struck seven. So he got into bed for a little sleep, but +the gaoler came and woke him, and said, "Git up, your Royal Ighness, if +you please, it's TEN MINUTES TO EIGHT!" + +So poor Bulbo got up: he had gone to bed in his clothes (the lazy boy), +and he shook himself, and said he didn't mind about dressing, or having +any breakfast, thank you; and he saw the soldiers who had come for him. +"Lead on!" he said; and they led the way, deeply affected; and they came +into the courtyard, and out into the square, and there was King Giglio +come to take leave of him, and his Majesty most kindly shook hands with +him, and the GLOOMY PROCESSION marched on:--when hark! + +"Haw--wurraw--wurraw--aworr!" + +A roar of wild beasts was heard. And who should come riding into the +town, frightening away the boys, and even the beadle and policeman, but +ROSALBA! + +The fact is, that when Captain Hedzoff entered into the court of +Snapdragon Castle, and was discoursing with King Padella, the Lions made +a dash at the open gate, gobbled up the six beef-eaters in a jiffy, and +away they went with Rosalba on the back of one of them, and they carried +her, turn and turn about, till they came to the city where Prince +Giglio's army was encamped. + +When the KING heard of the QUEEN'S arrival, you may think how he rushed +out of his breakfast-room to hand her Majesty off her Lion! The Lions +were grown as fat as pigs now, having had Hogginarmo and all those +beef-eaters, and were so tame, anybody might pat them. + +While Giglio knelt (most gracefully) and helped the Princess, Bulbo, +for his part, rushed up and kissed the Lion. He flung his arms round the +forest monarch; he hugged him, and laughed and cried for joy. "Oh, you +darling old beast--oh, how glad I am to see you, and the dear, dear +Bets--that is, Rosalba." + +"What, is it you, poor Bulbo?" said the Queen. "Oh, how glad I am to see +you," and she gave him her hand to kiss. King Giglio slapped him most +kindly on the back, and said, "Bulbo, my boy, I am delighted, for your +sake, that her Majesty has arrived." + +"So am I," said Bulbo; "and YOU KNOW WHY." Captain Hedzoff here came up. +"Sire, it is half-past eight: shall we proceed with the execution?" + +"Execution! what for?" asked Bulbo. + +"An officer only knows his orders," replied Captain Hedzoff, showing his +warrant: on which his Majesty King Giglio smilingly said Prince Bulbo +was reprieved this time, and most graciously invited him to breakfast. + + +XVII. HOW A TREMENDOUS BATTLE TOOK PLACE, AND WHO WON IT. + + +As soon as King Padella heard--what we know already--that his victim, +the lovely Rosalba, had escaped him, his Majesty's fury knew no bounds, +and he pitched the Lord Chancellor, Lord Chamberlain, and every officer +of the Crown whom he could set eyes on, into the cauldron of boiling oil +prepared for the Princess. Then he ordered out his whole army, horse, +foot, and artillery; and set forth at the head of an innumerable host, +and I should think twenty thousand drummers, trumpeters, and fifers. + +King Giglio's advance guard, you may be sure, kept that monarch +acquainted with the enemy's dealings, and he was in nowise disconcerted. +He was much too polite to alarm the Princess, his lovely guest, with +any unnecessary rumors of battles impending; on the contrary, he did +everything to amuse and divert her; gave her a most elegant breakfast, +dinner, lunch, and got up a ball for her that evening, when he danced +with her every single dance. + +Poor Bulbo was taken into favor again, and allowed to go quite free +now. He had new clothes given him, was called "My good cousin" by his +Majesty, and was treated with the greatest distinction by everybody. +But it was easy to see he was very melancholy. The fact is, the sight of +Betsinda, who looked perfectly lovely in an elegant new dress, set +poor Bulbo frantic in love with her again. And he never thought about +Angelica, now Princess Bulbo, whom he had left at home, and who, as we +know, did not care much about him. + +The King, dancing the twenty-fifth polka with Rosalba, remarked with +wonder the ring she wore; and then Rosalba told him how she had got it +from Gruffanuff, who no doubt had picked it up when Angelica flung it +away. + +"Yes," says the Fairy Blackstick, who had come to see the young people, +and who had very likely certain plans regarding them--"that ring I gave +the Queen, Giglio's mother, who was not, saving your presence, a very +wise woman: it is enchanted, and whoever wears it looks beautiful in the +eyes of the world. I made poor Prince Bulbo, when he was christened, the +present of a rose which made him look handsome while he had it; but he +gave it to Angelica, who instantly looked beautiful again, whilst Bulbo +relapsed into his natural plainness." + +"Rosalba needs no ring, I am sure," says Giglio, with a low bow. "She is +beautiful enough, in my eyes, without any enchanted aid." + +"Oh, sir!" said Rosalba. + +"Take off the ring and try," said the King, and resolutely drew the ring +off her finger. In HIS eyes she looked just as handsome as before! + +The King was thinking of throwing the ring away, as it was so dangerous +and made all the people so mad about Rosalba; but being a Prince of +great humor, and good humor too, he cast eyes upon a poor youth who +happened to be looking on very disconsolately, and said-- + +"Bulbo, my poor lad! come and try on this ring. The Princess Rosalba +makes it a present to you." The magic properties of this ring were +uncommonly strong, for no sooner had Bulbo put it on, but lo and behold, +he appeared a personable, agreeable young Prince enough--with a fine +complexion, fair hair, rather stout, and with bandy legs; but these were +encased in such a beautiful pair of yellow morocco boots that nobody +remarked them. And Bulbo's spirits rose up almost immediately after he +had looked in the glass, and he talked to their Majesties in the most +lively, agreeable manner, and danced opposite the Queen with one of the +prettiest maids of honor, and after looking at her Majesty, could +not help saying, "How very odd! she is very pretty, but not so +EXTRAORDINARILY handsome." "Oh no, by no means!" says the Maid of Honor. + +"But what care I, dear sir," says the Queen, who overheard them, "if YOU +think I am good-looking enough?" + +His Majesty's glance in reply to this affectionate speech was such that +no painter could draw it. And the Fairy Blackstick said, "Bless you, my +darling children! Now you are united and happy; and now you see what I +said from the first, that a little misfortune has done you both good. +YOU, Giglio, had you been bred in prosperity, would scarcely have +learned to read or write--you would have been idle and extravagant, and +could not have been a good King as now you will be. You, Rosalba, would +have been so flattered, that your little head might have been turned +like Angelica's, who thought herself too good for Giglio." + +"As if anybody could be good enough for HIM," cried Rosalba. + +"Oh, you, you darling!" says Giglio. And so she was; and he was just +holding out his arms in order to give her a hug before the whole +company, when a messenger came rushing in, and said, "My Lord, the +enemy!" + +"To arms!" cries Giglio. + +"Oh, mercy!" says Rosalba, and fainted of course. He snatched one kiss +from her lips, and rushed FORTH TO THE FIELD of battle! + + +The Fairy had provided King Giglio with a suit of armor, which was not +only embroidered all over with jewels, and blinding to your eyes to +look at, but was water-proof, gun-proof, and sword-proof; so that in the +midst of the very hottest battles his Majesty rode about as calmly as if +he had been a British Grenadier at Alma. Were I engaged in fighting for +my country, I should like such a suit of armor as Prince Giglio wore; +but, you know, he was a Prince of a fairy tale, and they always have +these wonderful things. + +Besides the fairy armor, the Prince had a fairy horse, which would +gallop at any pace you pleased; and a fairy sword, which would lengthen +and run through a whole regiment of enemies at once. With such a weapon +at command, I wonder, for my part, he thought of ordering his army out; +but forth they all came, in magnificent new uniforms, Hedzoff and the +Prince's two college friends each commanding a division, and his Majesty +prancing in person at the head of them all. + +Ah! if I had the pen of a Sir Archibald Alison, my dear friends, would +I not now entertain you with the account of a most tremendous shindy? +Should not fine blows be struck? dreadful wounds be delivered? arrows +darken the air? cannon balls crash through the battalions? cavalry +charge infantry? infantry pitch into cavalry? bugles blow; drums beat; +horses neigh; fifes sing; soldiers roar, swear, hurray; officers shout +out, "Forward, my men!" "This way, lads!" "Give it 'em, boys!" "Fight +for King Giglio, and the cause of right!" "King Padella for ever!" Would +I not describe all this, I say, and in the very finest language too? But +this humble pen does not possess the skill necessary for the description +of combats. In a word, the overthrow of King Padella's army was so +complete, that if they had been Russians you could not have wished them +to be more utterly smashed and confounded. + +As for that usurping monarch, having performed acts of valor much more +considerable than could be expected of a royal ruffian and usurper, +who had such a bad cause, and who was so cruel to women,--as for King +Padella, I say, when his army ran away, the King ran away too, kicking +his first general, Prince Punchikoff, from his saddle, and galloping +away on the Prince's horse, having, indeed, had twenty-five or +twenty-six of his own shot under him. Hedzoff coming up, and finding +Punchikoff down, as you may imagine, very speedily disposed of HIM. +Meanwhile King Padella was scampering off as hard as his horse could +lay legs to ground. Fast as he scampered, I promise you somebody else +galloped faster; and that individual, as no doubt you are aware, was the +Royal Giglio, who kept bawling out, "Stay, traitor! Turn, miscreant, and +defend thyself! Stand, tyrant, coward, ruffian, royal wretch, till I cut +thy ugly head from thy usurping shoulders!" And, with his fairy sword, +which elongated itself at will, his Majesty kept poking and prodding +Padella in the back, until that wicked monarch roared with anguish. + +When he was fairly brought to bay, Padella turned and dealt Prince +Giglio a prodigious crack over the sconce with his battle-axe, a most +enormous weapon, which had cut down I don't know how many regiments in +the course of the afternoon. But, law bless you! though the blow fell +right down on his Majesty's helmet, it made no more impression than if +Padella had struck him with a pat of butter: his battle-axe crumpled up +in Padella's hand, and the Royal Giglio laughed for very scorn at the +impotent efforts of that atrocious usurper. + +At the ill success of his blow the Crim Tartar monarch was justly +irritated. "If," says he to Giglio, "you ride a fairy horse, and wear +fairy armor, what on earth is the use of my hitting you? I may as well +give myself up a prisoner at once. Your Majesty won't, I suppose, be so +mean as to strike a poor fellow who can't strike again?" + +The justice of Padella's remark struck the magnanimous Giglio. "Do you +yield yourself a prisoner, Padella?" says he. + +"Of course I do," says Padella. + +"Do you acknowledge Rosalba as your rightful Queen, and give up the +crown and all your treasures to your rightful mistress?" + +"If I must, I must," says Padella, who was naturally very sulky. + +By this time King Giglio's aides-de-camp had come up, whom his Majesty +ordered to bind the prisoner. And they tied his hands behind him, and +bound his legs tight under his horse, having set him with his face to +the tail; and in this fashion he was led back to King Giglio's quarters, +and thrust into the very dungeon where young Bulbo had been confined. + +Padella (who was a very different person in the depth of his distress, +to Padella, the proud wearer of the Crim Tartar crown), now most +affectionately and earnestly asked to see his son--his dear eldest +boy--his darling Bulbo; and that good-natured young man never once +reproached his haughty parent for his unkind conduct the day before, +when he would have left Bulbo to be shot without any pity, but came to +see his father, and spoke to him through the grating of the door, beyond +which he was not allowed to go; and brought him some sandwiches from the +grand supper which his Majesty was giving above stairs, in honor of the +brilliant victory which had just been achieved. + +"I cannot stay with you long, sir," says Bulbo, who was in his best ball +dress, as he handed his father in the prog. "I am engaged to dance the +next quadrille with her Majesty Queen Rosalba, and I hear the fiddles +playing at this very moment." + +So Bulbo went back to the ball-room and the wretched Padella ate his +solitary supper in silence and tears. + + +All was now joy in King Giglio's circle. Dancing, feasting, fun, +illuminations, and jollifications of all sorts ensued. The people +through whose villages they passed were ordered to illuminate their +cottages at night, and scatter flowers on the roads during the day. They +were requested--and I promise you they did not like to refuse--to serve +the troops liberally with eatables and wine; besides, the army was +enriched by the immense quantity of plunder which was found in King +Padella's camp, and taken from his soldiers; who (after they had given +up everything) were allowed to fraternize with the conquerors; and the +united forces marched back by easy stages towards King Giglio's capital, +his royal banner and that of Queen Rosalba being carried in front of +the troops. Hedzoff was made a Duke and a Field Marshal. Smith and Jones +were promoted to be Earls; the Crim Tartar Order of the Pumpkin and the +Paflagonian decoration of the Cucumber were freely distributed by their +Majesties to the army. Queen Rosalba wore the Paflagonian Ribbon of +the Cucumber across her riding-habit, whilst King Giglio never appeared +without the grand Cordon of the Pumpkin. How the people cheered them as +they rode along side by side! They were pronounced to be the handsomest +couple ever seen: that was a matter of course; but they really WERE very +handsome, and, had they been otherwise, would have looked so, they were +so happy! Their Majesties were never separated during the whole day, but +breakfasted, dined, and supped together always, and rode side by side, +interchanging elegant compliments, and indulging in the most delightful +conversation. At night, her Majesty's ladies of honor (who had all +rallied round her the day after King Padella's defeat) came and +conducted her to the apartments prepared for her; whilst King Giglio, +surrounded by his gentlemen, withdrew to his own Royal quarters. It was +agreed they should be married as soon as they reached the capital, and +orders were dispatched to the Archbishop of Blombodinga, to hold himself +in readiness to perform the interesting ceremony. Duke Hedzoff carried +the message, and gave instructions to have the Royal Castle splendidly +refurnished and painted afresh. The Duke seized Glumboso, the Ex-Prime +Minister, and made him refund that considerable sum of money which the +old scoundrel had secreted out of the late King's treasure. He also +clapped Valoroso into prison (who, by the way, had been dethroned +for some considerable period past), and when the ex-monarch weakly +remonstrated, Hedzoff said, "A soldier, sir, knows but his duty; my +orders are to lock you up along with the ex-King Padella, whom I have +brought hither a prisoner under guard." So these two ex-Royal personages +were sent for a year to the House of Correction, and thereafter were +obliged to become monks of the severest Order of Flagellants, in which +state, by fasting, by vigils, by flogging (which they administered +to one another, humbly but resolutely), no doubt they exhibited a +repentance for their past misdeeds, usurpations, and private and public +crimes. + +As for Glumboso, that rogue was sent to the galleys, and never had an +opportunity to steal any more. + + +XVIII. HOW THEY ALL JOURNEYED BACK TO THE CAPITAL. + + +The Fairy Blackstick, by whose means this young King and Queen had +certainly won their respective crowns back, would come not unfrequently, +to pay them a little visit--as they were riding in their triumphal +progress towards Giglio's capital--change her wand into a pony, and +travel by their Majesties' side, giving them the very best advice. I am +not sure that King Giglio did not think the Fairy and her advice rather +a bore, fancying it was his own valor and merits which had put him on +his throne, and conquered Padella: and, in fine, I fear he rather gave +himself airs towards his best friend and patroness. She exhorted him to +deal justly by his subjects, to draw mildly on the taxes, never to break +his promise when he had once given it--and in all respects to be a good +King. + +"A good King, my dear Fairy!" cries Rosalba. "Of course he will. Break +his promise! can you fancy my Giglio would ever do anything so improper, +so unlike him? No! never!" And she looked fondly towards Giglio, whom +she thought a pattern of perfection. + +"Why is Fairy Blackstick always advising me, and telling me how to +manage my government, and warning me to keep my word? Does she suppose +that I am not a man of sense, and a man of honor?" asks Giglio testily. +"Methinks she rather presumes upon her position." + +"Hush! dear Giglio," says Rosalba. "You know Blackstick has been very +kind to us, and we must not offend her." But the Fairy was not listening +to Giglio's testy observations, she had fallen back, and was trotting +on her pony now, by Master Bulbo's side, who rode a donkey, and made +himself generally beloved in the army by his cheerfulness, kindness, and +good-humor to everybody. He was eager to see his darling Angelica. He +thought there never was such a charming being. Blackstick did not tell +him it was the possession of the magic rose that made Angelica so lovely +in his eyes. She brought him the very best accounts of his little wife, +whose misfortunes and humiliations had indeed very greatly improved +her; and, you see, she could whisk off on her wand a hundred miles in a +minute, and be back in no time, and so carry polite messages from Bulbo +to Angelica, and from Angelica to Bulbo, and comfort that young man upon +his journey. + +When the Royal party arrived at the last stage before you reach +Blombodinga, who should be in waiting, in her carriage there with her +lady of honor by her side, but the Princess Angelica? She rushed into +her husband's arms, scarcely stopping to make a passing curtsey to the +King and Queen. She had no eyes but for Bulbo, who appeared perfectly +lovely to her on account of the fairy ring which he wore; whilst she +herself, wearing the magic rose in her bonnet, seemed entirely beautiful +to the enraptured Bulbo. + +A splendid luncheon was served to the Royal party, of which the +Archbishop, the Chancellor, Duke Hedzoff, Countess Gruffanuff, and all +our friends partook, the Fairy Blackstick being seated on the left of +King Giglio, with Bulbo and Angelica beside her. You could hear the +joy-bells ringing in the capital, and the guns which the citizens were +firing off in honor of their Majesties. + +"What can have induced that hideous old Gruffanuff to dress herself up +in such an absurd way? Did you ask her to be your bridesmaid, my dear?" +says Giglio to Rosalba. "What a figure of fun Gruffy is!" + +Gruffy was seated opposite their Majesties, between the Archbishop and +the Lord Chancellor, and a figure of fun she certainly was, for she was +dressed in a low white silk dress, with lace over, a wreath of white +roses on her wig, a splendid lace veil, and her yellow old neck was +covered with diamonds. She ogled the King in such a manner that his +Majesty burst out laughing. + +"Eleven o'clock!" cries Giglio, as the great Cathedral bell of +Blombodinga tolled that hour. "Gentlemen and ladies, we must be +starting. Archbishop, you must be at church, I think, before twelve?" + +"We must be at church before twelve," sighs out Gruffanuff in a +languishing voice, hiding her old face behind her fan. + +"And then I shall be the happiest man in my dominions," cries Giglio, +with an elegant bow to the blushing Rosalba. + +"Oh, my Giglio! Oh, my dear Majesty!" exclaims Gruffanuff; "and can it +be that this happy moment at length has arrived--" + +"Of course it has arrived," says the King. + +"--and that I am about to become the enraptured bride of my adored +Giglio!" continues Gruffanuff. "Lend me a smelling-bottle, somebody. I +certainly shall faint with joy." + +"YOU my bride?" roars out Giglio. + +"YOU marry my Prince?" cried poor little Rosalba. + +"Pooh! Nonsense! The woman's mad!" exclaims the King. And all the +courtiers exhibited by their countenances and expressions, marks of +surprise, or ridicule, or incredulity, or wonder. + +"I should like to know who else is going to be married, if I am not?" +shrieks out Gruffanuff. "I should like to know if King Giglio is a +gentleman, and if there is such a thing as justice in Paflagonia? Lord +Chancellor! my Lord Archbishop! will your Lordships sit by and see a +poor, fond, confiding, tender creature put upon? Has not Prince Giglio +promised to marry his Barbara? Is not this Giglio's signature? Does not +this paper declare that he is mine, and only mine?" And she handed +to his Grace the Archbishop the document which the Prince signed +that evening when she wore the magic ring, and Giglio drank so +much champagne. And the old Archbishop, taking out his eyeglasses, +read--"This is to give notice, that I, Giglio, only son of Savio, King +of Paflagonia, hereby promise to marry the charming Barbara Griselda +Countess Gruffanuff, and widow of the late Jenkins Gruffanuff, Esq." + +"H'm," says the Archbishop, "the document is certainly a--a document." + +"Phoo!" says the Lord Chancellor, "the signature is not in his Majesty's +handwriting." Indeed, since his studies at Bosforo, Giglio had made an +immense improvement in caligraphy. + +"Is it your handwriting, Giglio?" cries the Fairy Blackstick, with an +awful severity of countenance. + +"Y--y--y--es," poor Giglio gasps out, "I had quite forgotten the +confounded paper: she can't mean to hold me by it. You old wretch, what +will you take to let me off? Help the Queen, some one--her Majesty has +fainted." + +"Chop her head off!" } exclaim the impetuous Hedzoff, + +"Smother the old witch!" } the ardent Smith, and the + +"Pitch her into the river!"} faithful Jones. + +But Gruffanuff flung her arms round the Archbishop's neck, and bellowed +out, "Justice, justice, my Lord Chancellor!" so loudly, that her +piercing shrieks caused everybody to pause. As for Rosalba, she was +borne away lifeless by her ladies; and you may imagine the look of agony +which Giglio cast towards that lovely being, as his hope, his joy, his +darling, his all in all, was thus removed, and in her place the horrid +old Gruffanuff rushed up to his side, and once more shrieked out, +"Justice, justice!" + +"Won't you take that sum of money which Glumboso hid?" says Giglio; "two +hundred and eighteen thousand millions, or thereabouts. It's a handsome +sum." + +"I will have that and you too!" says Gruffanuff. + +"Let us throw the crown jewels into the bargain," gasps out Giglio. + +"I will wear them by my Giglio's side!" says Gruffanuff. + +"Will half, three-quarters, five-sixths, nineteen-twentieths, of my +kingdom do, Countess?" asks the trembling monarch. + +"What were all Europe to me without YOU, my Giglio?" cries Gruff, +kissing his hand. + +"I won't, I can't, I shan't,--I'll resign the crown first," shouts +Giglio, tearing away his hand; but Gruff clung to it. + +"I have a competency, my love," she says, "and with thee and a cottage +thy Barbara will be happy." + +Giglio was half mad with rage by this time. "I will not marry her," +says he. "Oh, Fairy, Fairy, give me counsel?" And as he spoke he looked +wildly round at the severe face of the Fairy Blackstick. + +"'Why is Fairy Blackstick always advising me, and warning me to keep my +word? Does she suppose that I am not a man of honor?'" said the Fairy, +quoting Giglio's own haughty words. He quailed under the brightness +of her eyes; he felt that there was no escape for him from that awful +inquisition. + +"Well, Archbishop," said he in a dreadful voice, that made his Grace +start, "since this Fairy has led me to the height of happiness but to +dash me down into the depths of despair, since I am to lose Rosalba, let +me at least keep my honor. Get up, Countess, and let us be married; I +can keep my word, but I can die afterwards." + +"Oh, dear Giglio," cries Gruffanuff, skipping up, "I knew, I knew I +could trust thee--I knew that my Prince was the soul of honor. Jump into +your carriages, ladies and gentlemen, and let us go to church at +once; and as for dying, dear Giglio, no, no:--thou wilt forget that +insignificant little chambermaid of a Queen--thou wilt live to be +consoled by thy Barbara! She wishes to be a Queen, and not a Queen +Dowager, my gracious Lord!" And hanging upon poor Giglio's arm, and +leering and grinning in his face in the most disgusting manner, this old +wretch tripped off in her white satin shoes, and jumped into the very +carriage which had been got ready to convey Giglio and Rosalba to +church. The cannons roared again, the bells pealed triple-bobmajors, the +people came out flinging flowers upon the path of the royal bride and +bridegroom, and Gruff looked out of the gilt coach window and bowed and +grinned to them. Phoo! the horrid old wretch! + + +XIX. AND NOW WE COME TO THE LAST SCENE IN THE PANTOMIME. + + +The many ups and downs of her life had given the Princess Rosalba +prodigious strength of mind, and that highly principled young +woman presently recovered from her fainting-fit, out of which Fairy +Blackstick, by a precious essence which the Fairy always carried in her +pocket, awakened her. Instead of tearing her hair, crying, and bemoaning +herself, and fainting again, as many young women would have done, +Rosalba remembered that she owed an example of firmness to her subjects; +and though she loved Giglio more than her life, was determined, as she +told the Fairy, not to interfere between him and justice, or to cause +him to break his royal word. + +"I cannot marry him, but I shall love him always," says she to +Blackstick; "I will go and be present at his marriage with the Countess, +and sign the book, and wish them happy with all my heart. I will see, +when I get home, whether I cannot make the new Queen some handsome +presents. The Crim Tartary crown diamonds are uncommonly fine, and I +shall never have any use for them. I will live and die unmarried like +Queen Elizabeth, and, of course, I shall leave my crown to Giglio when +I quit this world. Let us go and see them married, my dear Fairy, let me +say one last farewell to him; and then, if you please, I will return to +my own dominions." + +So the Fairy kissed Rosalba with peculiar tenderness, and at once +changed her wand into a very comfortable coach-and-four, with a steady +coachman, and two respectable footmen behind, and the Fairy and Rosalba +got into the coach, which Angelica and Bulbo entered after them. As +for honest Bulbo, he was blubbering in the most pathetic manner, quite +overcome by Rosalba's misfortune. She was touched by the honest fellow's +sympathy, promised to restore to him the confiscated estates of Duke +Padella his father, and created him, as he sat there in the coach, +Prince, Highness, and First Grandee of the Crim Tartar Empire. The +coach moved on, and, being a fairy coach, soon came up with the bridal +procession. + +Before the ceremony at church it was the custom in Paflagonia, as it is +in other countries, for the bride and bridegroom to sign the Contract +of Marriage, which was to be witnessed by the Chancellor, Minister, Lord +Mayor, and principal officers of state. Now, as the royal palace was +being painted and furnished anew, it was not ready for the reception of +the King and his bride, who proposed at first to take up their residence +at the Prince's palace, that one which Valoroso occupied when Angelica +was born, and before he usurped the throne. + +So the marriage party drove up to the palace: the dignitaries got out of +their carriages and stood aside: poor Rosalba stepped out of her coach, +supported by Bulbo, and stood almost fainting up against the railings +so as to have a last look of her dear Giglio. As for Blackstick, she, +according to her custom, had flown out of the coach window in some +inscrutable manner, and was now standing at the palace door. + +Giglio came up the steps with his horrible bride on his arm, looking +as pale as if he was going to execution. He only frowned at the Fairy +Blackstick--he was angry with her, and thought she came to insult his +misery. + +"Get out of the way, pray," says Gruffanuff haughtily. "I wonder why you +are always poking your nose into other people's affairs?" + +"Are you determined to make this poor young man unhappy?" says +Blackstick. + +"To marry him, yes! What business is it of yours? Pray, madam, don't say +'you' to a Queen," cries Gruffanuff. + +"You won't take the money he offered you?" + +"No." + +"You won't let him off his bargain, though you know you cheated him when +you made him sign the paper?" + +"Impudence! Policemen, remove this woman!" cries Gruffanuff. And the +policemen were rushing forward, but with a wave of her wand the Fairy +struck them all like so many statues in their places. + +"You won't take anything in exchange for your bond, Mrs. Gruffanuff," +cries the Fairy, with awful severity. "I speak for the last time." + +"No!" shrieks Gruffanuff, stamping with her foot. "I'll have my husband, +my husband, my husband!" + +"YOU SHALL HAVE YOUR HUSBAND!" the Fairy Blackstick cried; and advancing +a step, laid her hand upon the nose of the KNOCKER. + + +As she touched it, the brass nose seemed to elongate, the open mouth +opened still wider, and uttered a roar which made everybody start. +The eyes rolled wildly; the arms and legs uncurled themselves, writhed +about, and seemed to lengthen with each twist; the knocker expanded into +a figure in yellow livery, six feet high; the screws by which it was +fixed to the door unloosed themselves, and JENKINS GRUFFANUFF once more +trod the threshold off which he had been lifted more than twenty years +ago! + +"Master's not at home," says Jenkins, just in his old voice; and Mrs. +Jenkins, giving a dreadful YOUP, fell down in a fit, in which nobody +minded her. + +For everybody was shouting, "Huzzay! huzzay!" "Hip, hip, hurray!" "Long +live the King and Queen!" "Were such things ever seen?" "No, never, +never, never!" "The Fairy Blackstick for ever!" + +The bells were ringing double peals, the guns roaring and banging most +prodigiously. Bulbo was embracing everybody; the Lord Chancellor was +flinging up his wig and shouting like a madman; Hedzoff had got the +Archbishop round the waist, and they were dancing a jig for joy; and as +for Giglio, I leave you to imagine what HE was doing, and if he kissed +Rosalba once, twice--twenty thousand times, I'm sure I don't think he +was wrong. + +So Gruffanuff opened the hall door with a low bow, just as he had been +accustomed to do, and they all went in and signed the book, and then +they went to church and were married, and the Fairy Blackstick sailed +away on her cane, and was never more heard of in Paflagonia. + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's The Christmas Books, by William Makepeace Thackeray + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE CHRISTMAS BOOKS *** + +***** This file should be named 2731.txt or 2731.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/7/3/2731/ + +Produced by Donald Lainson + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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TITMARSH + +by William Makepeace Thackeray + + + + +CONTENTS. + + +CHRISTMAS STORIES. + +Mrs. Perkins's Ball + +Our Street + +Dr. Birch and his Young Friends + +The Kickleburys on the Rhine + +The Rose and the Ring; or, The History of Prince Giglio and Prince Bulbo + + + + +MRS. PERKINS'S BALL. + +THE MULLIGAN (OF BALLYMULLIGAN), AND HOW WE WENT TO MRS. PERKINS'S +BALL. + + +I do not know where Ballymulligan is, and never knew anybody who +did. Once I asked the Mulligan the question, when that chieftain +assumed a look of dignity so ferocious, and spoke of "Saxon +curiawsitee" in a tone of such evident displeasure, that, as after +all it can matter very little to me whereabouts lies the Celtic +principality in question, I have never pressed the inquiry any +farther. + +I don't know even the Mulligan's town residence. One night, as he +bade us adieu in Oxford Street,--"I live THERE," says he, pointing +down towards Oxbridge, with the big stick he carries--so his abode +is in that direction at any rate. He has his letters addressed to +several of his friends' houses, and his parcels, &c. are left for +him at various taverns which he frequents. That pair of checked +trousers, in which you see him attired, he did me the favor of +ordering from my own tailor, who is quite as anxious as anybody to +know the address of the wearer. In like manner my hatter asked me, +"Oo was the Hirish gent as 'ad ordered four 'ats and a sable boar +to be sent to my lodgings?" As I did not know (however I might +guess) the articles have never been sent, and the Mulligan has +withdrawn his custom from the "infernal four-and-nine-penny +scoundthrel," as he calls him. The hatter has not shut up shop in +consequence. + +I became acquainted with the Mulligan through a distinguished +countryman of his, who, strange to say, did not know the chieftain +himself. But dining with my friend Fred Clancy, of the Irish bar, +at Greenwich, the Mulligan came up, "inthrojuiced" himself to +Clancy as he said, claimed relationship with him on the side of +Brian Boroo, and drawing his chair to our table, quickly became +intimate with us. He took a great liking to me, was good enough to +find out my address and pay me a visit: since which period often +and often on coming to breakfast in the morning I have found him in +my sitting-room on the sofa engaged with the rolls and morning +papers: and many a time, on returning home at night for an +evening's quiet reading, I have discovered this honest fellow in +the arm-chair before the fire, perfuming the apartment with my +cigars and trying the quality of such liquors as might be found on +the sideboard. The way in which he pokes fun at Betsy, the maid of +the lodgings, is prodigious. She begins to laugh whenever he +comes; if he calls her a duck, a divvle, a darlin', it is all one. +He is just as much a master of the premises as the individual who +rents them at fifteen shillings a week; and as for handkerchiefs, +shirt-collars, and the like articles of fugitive haberdashery, the +loss since I have known him is unaccountable. I suspect he is like +the cat in some houses: for, suppose the whiskey, the cigars, the +sugar, the tea-caddy, the pickles, and other groceries disappear, +all is laid upon that edax-rerum of a Mulligan. + +The greatest offence that can be offered to him is to call him MR. +Mulligan. "Would you deprive me, sir," says he, "of the title +which was bawrun be me princelee ancestors in a hundred thousand +battles? In our own green valleys and fawrests, in the American +savannahs, in the sierras of Speen and the flats of Flandthers, the +Saxon has quailed before me war-cry of MULLIGAN ABOO! MR. +Mulligan! I'll pitch anybody out of the window who calls me MR. +Mulligan." He said this, and uttered the slogan of the Mulligans +with a shriek so terrific, that my uncle (the Rev. W. Gruels, of +the Independent Congregation, Bungay), who had happened to address +him in the above obnoxious manner, while sitting at my apartments +drinking tea after the May meetings, instantly quitted the room, +and has never taken the least notice of me since, except to state +to the rest of the family that I am doomed irrevocably to perdition. + +Well, one day last season, I had received from my kind and most +estimable friend, MRS. PERKINS OF POCKLINGTON SQUARE (to whose +amiable family I have had the honor of giving lessons in drawing, +French, and the German flute), an invitation couched in the usual +terms, on satin gilt-edged note-paper, to her evening-party; or, as +I call it, "Ball." + +Besides the engraved note sent to all her friends, my kind +patroness had addressed me privately as follows:-- + + +MY DEAR MR. TITMARSH,--If you know any VERY eligible young man, we +give you leave to bring him. You GENTLEMEN love your CLUBS so much +now, and care so little for DANCING, that it is really quite A +SCANDAL. Come early, and before EVERYBODY, and give us the benefit +of all your taste and CONTINENTAL SKILL. + +"Your sincere + +"EMILY PERKINS." + + +"Whom shall I bring?" mused I, highly flattered by this mark of +confidence; and I thought of Bob Trippett; and little Fred Spring, +of the Navy Pay Office; Hulker, who is rich, and I knew took +lessons in Paris; and a half-score of other bachelor friends, who +might be considered as VERY ELIGIBLE--when I was roused from my +meditation by the slap of a hand on my shoulder; and looking up, +there was the Mulligan, who began, as usual, reading the papers on +my desk. + +"Hwhat's this?" says he. "Who's Perkins? Is it a supper-ball, or +only a tay-ball?" + +"The Perkinses of Pocklington Square, Mulligan, are tiptop people," +says I, with a tone of dignity. "Mr. Perkins's sister is married +to a baronet, Sir Giles Bacon, of Hogwash, Norfolk. Mr. Perkins's +uncle was Lord Mayor of London; and he was himself in Parliament, +and MAY BE again any day. The family are my most particular +friends. A tay-ball indeed! why, Gunter . . ." Here I stopped: I +felt I was committing myself. + +"Gunter!" says the Mulligan, with another confounded slap on the +shoulder. "Don't say another word: I'LL go widg you, my boy." + +"YOU go, Mulligan?" says I: "why, really--I--it's not my party." + +"Your hwhawt? hwhat's this letter? a'n't I an eligible young man?-- +Is the descendant of a thousand kings unfit company for a miserable +tallow-chandthlering cockney? Are ye joking wid me? for, let me +tell ye, I don't like them jokes. D'ye suppose I'm not as well +bawrun and bred as yourself, or any Saxon friend ye ever had?" + +"I never said you weren't, Mulligan," says I. + +"Ye don't mean seriously that a Mulligan is not fit company for a +Perkins?" + +"My dear fellow, how could you think I could so far insult you?" +says I. "Well, then," says he, "that's a matter settled, and we +go." + +What the deuce was I to do? I wrote to Mrs. Perkins; and that kind +lady replied, that she would receive the Mulligan, or any other of +my friends, with the greatest cordiality. "Fancy a party, all +Mulligans!" thought I, with a secret terror. + + +MR. AND MRS. PERKINS, THEIR HOUSE, AND THEIR YOUNG PEOPLE. + + +Following Mrs. Perkins's orders, the present writer made his +appearance very early at Pocklington Square: where the tastiness of +all the decorations elicited my warmest admiration. Supper of +course was in the dining-loom, superbly arranged by Messrs. Grigs +and Spooner, the confectioners of the neighborhood. I assisted my +respected friend Mr. Perkins and his butler in decanting the +sherry, and saw, not without satisfaction, a large bath for wine +under the sideboard, in which were already placed very many bottles +of champagne. + +The BACK DINING-ROOM, Mr. P.'s study (where the venerable man goes +to sleep after dinner), was arranged on this occasion as a tea- +room, Mrs. Flouncey (Miss Fanny's maid) officiating in a cap and +pink ribbons, which became her exceedingly. Long, long before the +arrival of the company, I remarked Master Thomas Perkins and Master +Giles Bacon, his cousin (son of Sir Giles Bacon, Bart.), in this +apartment, busy among the macaroons. + +Mr. Gregory the butler, besides John the footman and Sir Giles's +large man in the Bacon livery, and honest Grundsell, carpet-beater +and green-grocer, of Little Pocklington Buildings, had at least +half a dozen of aides-de-camp in black with white neck-cloths, like +doctors of divinity. + +The BACK DRAWING-ROOM door on the landing being taken off the +hinges (and placed up stairs under Mr. Perkins's bed), the orifice +was covered with muslin, and festooned with elegant wreaths of +flowers. This was the Dancing Saloon. A linen was spread over the +carpet; and a band--consisting of Mr. Clapperton, piano, Mr. Pinch, +harp, and Herr Spoff, cornet-a-piston arrived at a pretty early +hour, and were accommodated with some comfortable negus in the tea- +room, previous to the commencement of their delightful labors. The +boudoir to the left was fitted up as a card-room; the drawing-room +was of course for the reception of the company,--the chandeliers +and yellow damask being displayed this night in all their splendor; +and the charming conservatory over the landing was ornamented by a +few moon-like lamps, and the flowers arranged so that it had the +appearance of a fairy bower. And Miss Perkins (as I took the +liberty of stating to her mamma) looked like the fairy of that +bower. It is this young creature's first year in PUBLIC LIFE: she +has been educated, regardless of expense, at Hammersmith; and a +simple white muslin dress and blue ceinture set off charms of which +I beg to speak with respectful admiration. + +My distinguished friend the Mulligan of Ballymulligan was good +enough to come the very first of the party. By the way, how +awkward it is to be the first of the party! and yet you know +somebody must; but for my part, being timid, I always wait at the +corner of the street in the cab, and watch until some other +carriage comes up. + +Well, as we were arranging the sherry in the decanters down the +supper-tables, my friend arrived: "Hwhares me friend Mr. Titmarsh?" +I heard him bawling out to Gregory in the passage, and presently he +rushed into the supper-room, where Mr. and Mrs. Perkins and myself +were, and as the waiter was announcing "Mr. Mulligan," "THE +Mulligan of Ballymulligan, ye blackguard!" roared he, and stalked +into the apartment, "apologoizing," as he said, for introducing +himself. + +Mr. and Mrs. Perkins did not perhaps wish to be seen in this room, +which was for the present only lighted by a couple of candles; but +HE was not at all abashed by the circumstance, and grasping them +both warmly by the hands, he instantly made himself at home. "As +friends of my dear and talented friend Mick," so he is pleased to +call me, "I'm deloighted, madam, to be made known to ye. Don't +consider me in the light of a mere acquaintance! As for you, my +dear madam, you put me so much in moind of my own blessed mother, +now resoiding at Ballymulligan Castle, that I begin to love ye at +first soight." At which speech Mr. Perkins getting rather alarmed, +asked the Mulligan whether he would take some wine, or go up +stairs. + +"Faix," says Mulligan "it's never too soon for good dhrink." And +(although he smelt very much of whiskey already) he drank a tumbler +of wine "to the improvement of an acqueentence which comminces in a +manner so deloightful." + +"Let's go up stairs, Mulligan," says I, and led the noble Irishman +to the upper apartments, which were in a profound gloom, the +candles not being yet illuminated, and where we surprised Miss +Fanny, seated in the twilight at the piano, timidly trying the +tunes of the polka which she danced so exquisitely that evening. +She did not perceive the stranger at first; but how she started +when the Mulligan loomed upon her. + +"Heavenlee enchanthress!" says Mulligan, "don't floy at the +approach of the humblest of your sleeves! Reshewm your pleece at +that insthrument, which weeps harmonious, or smoils melojious, as +you charrum it! Are you acqueented with the Oirish Melodies? Can +ye play, 'Who fears to talk of Nointy-eight?' the 'Shan Van Voght?' +or the 'Dirge of Ollam Fodhlah?'" + +"Who's this mad chap that Titmarsh has brought?" I heard Master +Bacon exclaim to Master Perkins. "Look! how frightened Fanny +looks!" + +"O poo! gals are ALWAYS frightened," Fanny's brother replied; but +Giles Bacon, more violent, said, "I'll tell you what, Tom: if this +goes on, we must pitch into him." And so I have no doubt they +would, when another thundering knock coming, Gregory rushed into +the room and began lighting all the candles, so as to produce an +amazing brilliancy, Miss Fanny sprang up and ran to her mamma, and +the young gentlemen slid down the banisters to receive the company +in the hall. + + +EVERYBODY BEGINS TO COME, BUT ESPECIALLY MR. MINCHIN. + + +"It's only me and my sisters," Master Bacon said; though "only" +meant eight in this instance. All the young ladies had fresh +cheeks and purple elbows; all had white frocks, with hair more or +less auburn: and so a party was already made of this blooming and +numerous family, before the rest of the company began to arrive. +The three Miss Meggots next came in their fly: Mr. Blades and his +niece from 19 in the square: Captain and Mrs. Struther, and Miss +Struther: Doctor Toddy's two daughters and their mamma: but where +were the gentlemen? The Mulligan, great and active as he was, +could not suffice among so many beauties. At last came a brisk +neat little knock, and looking into the hall, I saw a gentleman +taking off his clogs there, whilst Sir Giles Bacon's big footman +was looking on with rather a contemptuous air. + +"What name shall I enounce?" says he, with a wink at Gregory on the +stair. + +The gentleman in clogs said, with quiet dignity,-- + + + MR. FREDERICK MINCHIN. + + +"Pump Court, Temple," is printed on his cards in very small type: +and he is a rising barrister of the Western Circuit. He is to be +found at home of mornings: afterwards "at Westminster," as you read +on his back door. "Binks and Minchin's Reports" are probably known +to my legal friends: this is the Minchin in question. + +He is decidedly genteel, and is rather in request at the balls of +the Judges' and Serjeants' ladies: for he dances irreproachably, +and goes out to dinner as much as ever he can. + +He mostly dines at the Oxford and Cambridge Club, of which you can +easily see by his appearance that he is a member; he takes the +joint and his half-pint of wine, for Minchin does everything like a +gentleman. He is rather of a literary turn; still makes Latin +verses with some neatness; and before he was called, was remarkably +fond of the flute. + +When Mr. Minchin goes out in the evening, his clerk brings his bag +to the Club, to dress; and if it is at all muddy, he turns up his +trousers, so that he may come in without a speck. For such a party +as this, he will have new gloves; otherwise Frederick, his clerk, +is chiefly employed in cleaning them with India-rubber. + +He has a number of pleasant stories about the Circuit and the +University, which he tells with a simper to his neighbor at dinner; +and has always the last joke of Mr. Baron Maule. He has a private +fortune of five thousand pounds; he is a dutiful son; he has a +sister married, in Harley Street; and Lady Jane Ranville has the +best opinion of him, and says he is a most excellent and highly +principled young man. + +Her ladyship and daughter arrived just as Mr. Minchin had popped +his clogs into the umbrella-stand; and the rank of that respected +person, and the dignified manner in which he led her up stairs, +caused all sneering on the part of the domestics to disappear. + + +THE BALL-ROOM DOOR. + + +A hundred of knocks follow Frederick Minchin's: in half an hour +Messrs. Spoff, Pinch, and Clapperton have begun their music, and +Mulligan, with one of the Miss Bacons, is dancing majestically in +the first quadrille. My young friends Giles and Tom prefer the +landing-place to the drawing-rooms, where they stop all night, +robbing the refreshment-trays as they come up or down. Giles has +eaten fourteen ices: he will have a dreadful stomach-ache to- +morrow. Tom has eaten twelve, but he has had four more glasses of +negus than Giles. Grundsell, the occasional waiter, from whom +Master Tom buys quantities of ginger-beer, can of course deny him +nothing. That is Grundsell, in the tights, with the tray. +Meanwhile direct your attention to the three gentlemen at the door: +they are conversing. + +1st Gent.--Who's the man of the house--the bald man? + +2nd Gent.--Of course. The man of the house is always bald. He's a +stockbroker, I believe. Snooks brought me. + +1st Gent.--Have you been to the tea-room? There's a pretty girl in +the tea-room; blue eyes, pink ribbons, that kind of thing. + +2nd Gent.--Who the deuce is that girl with those tremendous +shoulders? Gad! I do wish somebody would smack 'em. + +3rd Gent.--Sir--that young lady is my niece, sir,--my niece--my +name is Blades, sir. + +2nd Gent.--Well, Blades! smack your niece's shoulders: she deserves +it, begad! she does. Come in, Jinks, present me to the Perkinses.-- +Hullo! here's an old country acquaintance--Lady Bacon, as I live! +with all the piglings; she never goes out without the whole litter. +(Exeunt 1st and 2nd Gents.) + + +LADY BACON, THE MISS BACONS, MR. FLAM. + + +Lady B.--Leonora! Maria! Amelia! here is the gentleman we met at +Sir John Porkington's. + +[The MISSES BACON, expecting to be asked to dance, smile +simultaneously, and begin to smooth their tuckers.] + +Mr. Flam.--Lady Bacon! I couldn't be mistaken in YOU! Won't you +dance, Lady Bacon? + +Lady B.--Go away, you droll creature! + +Mr. Flam.--And these are your ladyship's seven lovely sisters, to +judge from their likenesses to the charming Lady Bacon? + +Lady B.--My sisters, he! he! my DAUGHTERS, Mr. Flam, and THEY +dance, don't you, girls? + +The Misses Bacon.--O yes! + +Mr. Flam.--Gad! how I wish I was a dancing man! + +[Exit FLAM. + + +MR. LARKINS. + + +I have not been able to do justice (only a Lawrence could do that) +to my respected friend Mrs. Perkins, in this picture; but Larkins's +portrait is considered very like. Adolphus Larkins has been long +connected with Mr. Perkins's City establishment, and is asked to +dine twice or thrice per annum. Evening-parties are the great +enjoyment of this simple youth, who, after he has walked from +Kentish Town to Thames Street, and passed twelve hours in severe +labor there, and walked back again to Kentish Town, finds no +greater pleasure than to attire his lean person in that elegant +evening costume which you see, to walk into town again, and to +dance at anybody's house who will invite him. Islington, +Pentonville, Somers Town, are the scenes of many of his exploits; +and I have seen this good-natured fellow performing figure-dances +at Notting-hill, at a house where I am ashamed to say there was no +supper, no negus even to speak of, nothing but the bare merits of +the polka in which Adolphus revels. To describe this gentleman's +infatuation for dancing, let me say, in a word, that he will even +frequent boarding-house hops, rather than not go. + +He has clogs, too, like Minchin: but nobody laughs at HIM. He +gives himself no airs; but walks into a house with a knock and a +demeanor so tremulous and humble, that the servants rather +patronize him. He does not speak, or have any particular opinions, +but when the time comes, begins to dance. He bleats out a word or +two to his partner during this operation, seems very weak and sad +during the whole performance, and, of course, is set to dance with +the ugliest women everywhere. + +The gentle, kind spirit! when I think of him night after night, +hopping and jigging, and trudging off to Kentish Town, so gently, +through the fogs, and mud, and darkness: I do not know whether I +ought to admire him, because his enjoyments are so simple, and his +dispositions so kindly; or laugh at him, because he draws his life +so exquisitely mild. Well, well, we can't be all roaring lions in +this world; there must be SOME lambs, and harmless, kindly, +gregarious creatures for eating and shearing. See! even good- +natured Mrs. Perkins is leading up the trembling Larkins to the +tremendous Miss Bunion! + + +MISS BUNION. + + +The Poetess, author of "Heartstrings," "The Deadly Nightshade," +"Passion Flowers," &c. Though her poems breathe only of love, Miss +B. has never been married. She is nearly six feet high; she loves +waltzing beyond even poesy; and I think lobster-salad as much as +either. She confesses to twenty-eight; in which case her first +volume, "The Orphan of Gozo," (cut up by Mr. Rigby, in the +Quarterly, with his usual kindness,) must have been published when +she was three years old. + +For a woman all soul, she certainly eats as much as any woman I +ever saw. The sufferings she has had to endure, are, she says, +beyond compare; the poems which she writes breathe a withering +passion, a smouldering despair, an agony of spirit that would melt +the soul of a drayman, were he to read them. Well, it is a comfort +to see that she can dance of nights, and to know (for the habits of +illustrious literary persons are always worth knowing) that she +eats a hot mutton-chop for breakfast every morning of her blighted +existence. + +She lives in a boardinghouse at Brompton, and comes to the party in +a fly. + + +MR. HICKS. + + +It is worth twopence to see Miss Bunion and Poseidon Hicks, the +great poet, conversing with one another, and to talk of one to the +other afterwards. How they hate each other! I (in my wicked way) +have sent Hicks almost raving mad, by praising Bunion to him in +confidence; and you can drive Bunion out of the room by a few +judicious panegyrics of Hicks. + +Hicks first burst upon the astonished world with poems, in the +Byronic manner: "The Death-Shriek," "The Bastard of Lara," "The +Atabal," "The Fire-Ship of Botzaris," and other works. His "Love +Lays," in Mr. Moore's early style, were pronounced to be +wonderfully precocious for a young gentleman then only thirteen, +and in a commercial academy, at Tooting. + +Subsequently, this great bard became less passionate and more +thoughtful; and, at the age of twenty, wrote "Idiosyncracy" (in +forty books, 4to.): "Ararat," "a stupendous epic," as the reviews +said; and "The Megatheria," "a magnificent contribution to our pre- +Adamite literature," according to the same authorities. Not having +read these works, it would ill become me to judge them; but I know +that poor Jingle, the publisher, always attributed his insolvency +to the latter epic, which was magnificently printed in elephant +folio. + +Hicks has now taken a classical turn, and has brought out +"Poseidon," "Iacchus," "Hephaestus," and I dare say is going +through the mythology. But I should not like to try him at a +passage of the Greek Delectus, any more than twenty thousand others +of us who have had a "classical education." + +Hicks was taken in an inspired attitude regarding the chandelier, +and pretending he didn't know that Miss Pettifer was looking at +him. + +Her name is Anna Maria (daughter of Higgs and Pettifer, solicitors, +Bedford Row); but Hicks calls her "Ianthe" in his album verses, and +is himself an eminent drysalter in the city. + + +MISS MEGGOT. + + +Poor Miss Meggot is not so lucky as Miss Bunion. Nobody comes to +dance with HER, though she has a new frock on, as she calls it, and +rather a pretty foot, which she always manages to stick out. + +She is forty-seven, the youngest of three sisters, who live a +mouldy old house, near Middlesex Hospital, where they have lived +for I don't know how many score of years; but this is certain: the +eldest Miss Meggot saw the Gordon Riots out of that same parlor +window, and tells the story how her father (physician to George +III.) was robbed of his queue in the streets on that occasion. The +two old ladies have taken the brevet rank, and are addressed as +Mrs. Jane and Mrs. Betsy: one of them is at whist in the back +drawing-room. But the youngest is still called Miss Nancy, and is +considered quite a baby by her sisters. + +She was going to be married once to a brave young officer, Ensign +Angus Macquirk, of the Whistlebinkie Fencibles; but he fell at +Quatre Bras, by the side of the gallant Snuffmull, his commander. +Deeply, deeply did Miss Nancy deplore him. + +But time has cicatrized the wounded heart. She is gay now, and +would sing or dance, ay, or marry if anybody asked her. + +Do go, my dear friend--I don't mean to ask her to marry, but to ask +her to dance.--Never mind the looks of the thing. It will make her +happy; and what does it cost you? Ah, my dear fellow! take this +counsel: always dance with the old ladies--always dance with the +governesses. It is a comfort to the poor things when they get up +in their garret that somebody has had mercy on them. And such a +handsome fellow as YOU too! + + +MISS RANVILLE, REV. MR. TOOP, MISS MULLINS, MR. WINTER. + + +Mr. W. Miss Mullins, look at Miss Ranville: what a picture of good +humor. + +Miss M.--Oh, you satirical creature! + +Mr. W.--Do you know why she is so angry? she expected to dance with +Captain Grig, and by some mistake, the Cambridge Professor got hold +of her: isn't he a handsome man? + +Miss M.--Oh, you droll wretch! + +Mr. W.--Yes, he's a fellow of college--fellows mayn't marry, Miss +Mullins--poor fellows, ay, Miss Mullins? + +Miss M.--La! + +Mr. W.--And Professor of Phlebotomy in the University. He flatters +himself he is a man of the world, Miss Mullins, and always dances +in the long vacation. + +Miss M.--You malicious, wicked monster! + +Mr. W.--Do you know Lady Jane Ranville? Miss Ranville's mamma. A +ball once a year; footmen in canary-colored livery: Baker Street; +six dinners in the season; starves all the year round; pride and +poverty, you know; I've been to her ball ONCE. Ranville Ranville's +her brother, and between you and me--but this, dear Miss Mullins, +is a profound secret,--I think he's a greater fool than his sister. + +Miss M.--Oh, you satirical, droll, malicious, wicked thing you! + +Mr. W.--You do me injustice, Miss Mullins, indeed you do. + +[Chaine Anglaise.] + + +MISS JOY, MR. AND MRS. JOY, MR. BOTTER. + + +Mr. B.--What spirits that girl has, Mrs. Joy! + +Mr. J.--She's a sunshine in a house, Botter, a regular sunshine. +When Mrs. J. here's in a bad humor, I . . . + +Mrs. J.--Don't talk nonsense, Mr. Joy. + +Mrs. B.--There's a hop, skip, and jump for you! Why, it beats +Ellsler! Upon my conscience it does! It's her fourteenth +quadrille too. There she goes! She's a jewel of a girl, though I +say it that shouldn't. + +Mrs. J. (laughing).--Why don't you marry her, Botter? Shall I +speak to her? I dare say she'd have you. You're not so VERY old. + +Mr. B.--Don't aggravate me, Mrs. J. You know when I lost my heart +in the year 1817, at the opening of Waterloo Bridge, to a young +lady who wouldn't have me, and left me to die in despair, and +married Joy, of the Stock Exchange. + +Mrs. J. Get away, you foolish old creature. + +[MR. JOY looks on in ecstasies at Miss Joy's agility. LADY JANE +RANVILLE, of Baker Street, pronounces her to be an exceedingly +forward person. CAPTAIN DOBBS likes a girl who has plenty of go in +her; and as for FRED SPARKS, he is over head and ears in love with +her.] + + +MR. RANVILLE RANVILLE AND JACK HUBBARD. + + +This is Miss Ranville Ranville's brother, Mr. Ranville Ranville, of +the Foreign Office, faithfully designed as he was playing at whist +in the card-room. Talleyrand used to play at whist at the +"Travellers'," that is why Ranville Ranville indulges in that +diplomatic recreation. It is not his fault if he be not the +greatest man in the room. + +If you speak to him, he smiles sternly, and answers in monosyllables +he would rather die than commit himself. He never has committed +himself in his life. He was the first at school, and distinguished +at Oxford. He is growing prematurely bald now, like Canning, and is +quite proud of it. He rides in St. James's Park of a morning before +breakfast. He dockets his tailor's bills, and nicks off his +dinner-notes in diplomatic paragraphs, and keeps precis of them all. +If he ever makes a joke, it is a quotation from Horace, like Sir +Robert Peel. The only relaxation he permits himself, is to read +Thucydides in the holidays. + +Everybody asks him out to dinner, on account of his brass-buttons +with the Queen's cipher, and to have the air of being well with the +Foreign Office. "Where I dine," he says solemnly, "I think it is +my duty to go to evening-parties." That is why he is here. He +never dances, never sups, never drinks. He has gruel when he goes +home to bed. I think it is in his brains. + +He is such an ass and so respectable, that one wonders he has not +succeeded in the world; and yet somehow they laugh at him; and you +and I shall be Ministers as soon as he will. + +Yonder, making believe to look over the print-books, is that merry +rogue, Jack Hubbard. + +See how jovial he looks! He is the life and soul of every party, +and his impromptu singing after supper will make you die of +laughing. He is meditating an impromptu now, and at the same time +thinking about a bill that is coming due next Thursday. Happy dog! + + +MRS. TROTTER, MISS TROTTER, MISS TOADY, LORD METHUSELAH. + + +Dear Emma Trotter has been silent and rather ill-humored all the +evening until now her pretty face lights up with smiles. Cannot +you guess why? Pity the simple and affectionate creature! Lord +Methuselah has not arrived until this moment: and see how the +artless girl steps forward to greet him! + +In the midst of all the selfishness and turmoil of the world, how +charming it is to find virgin hearts quite unsullied, and to look +on at little romantic pictures of mutual love! Lord Methuselah, +though you know his age by the peerage--though he is old, wigged, +gouty, rouged, wicked, has lighted up a pure flame in that gentle +bosom. There was a talk about Tom Willoughby last year; and then, +for a time, young Hawbuck (Sir John Hawbuck's youngest son) seemed +the favored man; but Emma never knew her mind until she met the +dear creature before you in a Rhine steamboat. "Why are you so +late, Edward?" says she. Dear artless child! + +Her mother looks on with tender satisfaction. One can appreciate +the joys of such an admirable parent! + +"Look at them!" says Miss Toady. "I vow and protest they're the +handsomest couple in the room!" + +Methuselah's grandchildren are rather jealous and angry, and +Mademoiselle Ariane, of the French theatre, is furious. But +there's no accounting for the mercenary envy of some people; and +it is impossible to satisfy everybody. + + +MR. BEAUMORIS, MR. GRIG, MR. FLYNDERS. + + +Those three young men are described in a twinkling: Captain Grig of +the Heavies; Mr. Beaumoris, the handsome young man; Tom Flinders +(Flynders Flynders he now calls himself), the fat gentleman who +dresses after Beaumoris. + +Beaumoris is in the Treasury: he has a salary of eighty pounds a +year, on which he maintains the best cab and horses of the season; +and out of which he pays seventy guineas merely for his subscriptions +to clubs. He hunts in Leicestershire, where great men mount him; he +is a prodigious favorite behind the scenes at the theatres; you may +get glimpses of him at Richmond, with all sorts of pink bonnets; and +he is the sworn friend of half the most famous roues about town, +such as Old Methuselah, Lord Billygoat, Lord Tarquin, and the rest: +a respectable race. It is to oblige the former that the +good-natured young fellow is here to-night; though it must not be +imagined that he gives himself any airs of superiority. Dandy as he +is, he is quite affable, and would borrow ten guineas from any man +in the room, in the most jovial way possible. + +It is neither Beau's birth, which is doubtful; nor his money, which +is entirely negative; nor his honesty, which goes along with his +money-qualification; nor his wit, for he can barely spell,--which +recommend him to the fashionable world: but a sort of Grand +Seigneur splendor and dandified je ne scais quoi, which make the +man he is of him. The way in which his boots and gloves fit him is +a wonder which no other man can achieve; and though he has not an +atom of principle, it must be confessed that he invented the +Taglioni shirt. + +When I see these magnificent dandies yawning out of "White's," or +caracoling in the Park on shining chargers, I like to think that +Brummell was the greatest of them all, and that Brummell's father +was a footman. + +Flynders is Beaumoris's toady: lends him money: buys horses through +his recommendation; dresses after him; clings to him in Pall Mall, +and on the steps of the club; and talks about 'Bo' in all +societies. It is his drag which carries down Bo's friends to the +Derby, and his cheques pay for dinners to the pink bonnets. I +don't believe the Perkinses know what a rogue it is, but fancy him +a decent, reputable City man, like his father before him. + +As for Captain Grig, what is there to tell about him? He performs +the duties of his calling with perfect gravity. He is faultless on +parade; excellent across country; amiable when drunk, rather slow +when sober. He has not two ideas, and is a most good-natured, +irreproachable, gallant, and stupid young officer. + + +CAVALIER SEUL. + + +This is my friend Bob Hely, performing the Cavalier seul in a +quadrille. Remark the good-humored pleasure depicted in his +countenance. Has he any secret grief? Has he a pain anywhere? +No, dear Miss Jones, he is dancing like a true Briton, and with all +the charming gayety and abandon of our race. + +When Canaillard performs that Cavalier seul operation, does HE +flinch? No: he puts on his most vainqueur look, he sticks his +thumbs into the armholes of his waistcoat, and advances, retreats, +pirouettes, and otherwise gambadoes, as though to say, "Regarde +moi, O monde! Venez, O femmes, venez voir danser Canaillard!" + +When De Bobwitz executes the same measure, he does it with smiling +agility, and graceful ease. + +But poor Hely, if he were advancing to a dentist, his face would +not be more cheerful. All the eyes of the room are upon him, he +thinks; and he thinks he looks like a fool. + +Upon my word, if you press the point with me, dear Miss Jones, I +think he is not very far from right. I think that while Frenchmen +and Germans may dance, as it is their nature to do, there is a +natural dignity about us Britons, which debars us from that +enjoyment. I am rather of the Turkish opinion, that this should +be done for us. I think . . . + +"Good-by, you envious old fox-and-the-grapes," says Miss Jones, and +the next moment I see her whirling by in a polka with Tom Tozer, at +a pace which makes me shrink back with terror into the little +boudoir. + + +M. CANAILLARD, CHEVALIER OF THE LEGION OF HONOR. + +LIEUTENANT BARON DE BOBWITZ. + + +Canaillard. Oh, ces Anglais! quels hommes, mon Dieu! Comme ils +sont habilles, comme ils dansent! + +Bobwitz.--Ce sont de beaux hommes bourtant; point de tenue +militaire, mais de grands gaillards; si je les avais dans ma +compagnie de la Garde, j'en ferai de bons soldats. + +Canaillard.--Est-il bete, cet Allemand! Les grands hommes ne font +pas toujours de bons soldats, Monsieur. Il me semble que les +soldats de France qui sont de ma taille, Monsieur, valent un peu +mieux . . . + +Bobwitz.--Vous croyez? + +Canaillard.--Comment! je le crois, Monsieur? J'en suis sur! Il me +semble, Monsieur, que nous l'avons prouve. + +Bobwitz (impatiently).--Je m'en vais danser la Bolka. Serviteur, +Monsieur. + +Canaillard.--Butor! (He goes and looks at himself in the glass, +when he is seized by Mrs. Perkins for the Polka.) + + +THE BOUDOIR. + +MR. SMITH, MR. BROWN, MISS BUSTLETON. + + +Mr. Brown.--You polk, Miss Bustleton? I'm SO delaighted. + +Miss Bustleton.--[Smiles and prepares to rise.] + +Mr. Smith.--D--- puppy. + +(Poor Smith don't polk.) + + +GRAND POLKA. + + +Though a quadrille seems to me as dreary as a funeral, yet to look +at a polka, I own, is pleasant. See! Brown and Emily Bustleton +are whirling round as light as two pigeons over a dovecot; Tozer, +with that wicked whisking little Jones, spins along as merrily as a +May-day sweep; Miss Joy is the partner of the happy Fred Sparks; +and even Miss Ranville is pleased, for the faultless Captain Grig +is toe and heel with her. Beaumoris, with rather a nonchalant air, +takes a turn with Miss Trotter, at which Lord Methuseleh's wrinkled +chops quiver uneasily. See! how the big Baron de Bobwitz spins +lightly, and gravely, and gracefully round; and lo! the Frenchman +staggering under the weight of Miss Bunion, who tramps and kicks +like a young cart-horse. + +But the most awful sight which met my view in this dance was the +unfortunate Miss Little, to whom fate had assigned THE MULLIGAN as +a partner. Like a pavid kid in the talons of an eagle, that young +creature trembled in his huge Milesian grasp. Disdaining the +recognized form of the dance, the Irish chieftain accommodated the +music to the dance of his own green land, and performed a double +shuffle jig, carrying Miss Little along with him. Miss Ranville +and her Captain shrank back amazed; Miss Trotter skirried out of +his way into the protection of the astonished Lord Methuselah; Fred +Sparks could hardly move for laughing; while, on the contrary, Miss +Joy was quite in pain for poor Sophy Little. As Canaillard and the +Poetess came up, The Mulligan, in the height of his enthusiasm, +lunged out a kick which sent Miss Bunion howling; and concluded +with a tremendous Hurroo!--a war-cry which caused every Saxon heart +to shudder and quail. + +"Oh that the earth would open and kindly take me in!" I exclaimed +mentally; and slunk off into the lower regions, where by this time +half the company were at supper. + + +THE SUPPER. + + +The supper is going on behind the screen. There is no need to draw +the supper. We all know that sort of transaction: the squabbling, +and gobbling, and popping of champagne; the smell of musk and +lobster-salad; the dowagers chumping away at plates of raised pie; +the young lassies nibbling at little titbits, which the dexterous +young gentlemen procure. Three large men, like doctors of +divinity, wait behind the table, and furnish everything that +appetite can ask for. I never, for my part, can eat any supper for +wondering at those men. I believe if you were to ask them for +mashed turnips, or a slice of crocodile, those astonishing people +would serve you. What a contempt they must have for the guttling +crowd to whom they minister--those solemn pastry-cook's men! How +they must hate jellies, and game-pies, and champagne, in their +hearts! How they must scorn my poor friend Grundsell behind the +screen, who is sucking at a bottle! + +This disguised green-grocer is a very well-known character in the +neighborhood of Pocklington Square. He waits at the parties of the +gentry in the neighborhood, and though, of course, despised in +families where a footman is kept, is a person of much importance in +female establishments. + +Miss Jonas always employs him at her parties, and says to her page, +"Vincent, send the butler, or send Desborough to me;" by which name +she chooses to designate G. G. + +When the Miss Frumps have post-horses to their carriage, and pay +visits, Grundsell always goes behind. Those ladies have the +greatest confidence in him, have been godmothers to fourteen of his +children, and leave their house in his charge when they go to +Bognor for the summer. He attended those ladies when they were +presented at the last drawing-room of her Majesty Queen Charlotte. + + + GEORGE GRUNDSELL, + + GREEN-GROCER AND SALESMAN, + + 9, LITTLE POCKLINGTON BUILDINGS, + + LATE CONFIDENTIAL SERVANT IN THE FAMILY OF + + THE LORD MAYOR OF LONDON. + + + Carpets Beat.--Knives and Boots cleaned per contract.--Errands + faithfully performed--G. G. attends Ball and Dinner parties, + and from his knowledge of the most distinguished Families in + London, confidently recommends his services to the + distinguished neighbourhood of Pocklington Square. + + +Mr. Grundsell's state costume is a blue coat and copper buttons, a +white waistcoat, and an immense frill and shirt-collar. He was for +many years a private watchman, and once canvassed for the office of +parish clerk of St. Peter's Pocklington. He can be intrusted with +untold spoons; with anything, in fact, but liquor; and it was he +who brought round the cards for MRS. PERKINS'S BALL. + + +AFTER SUPPER. + + +I do not intend to say any more about it. After the people had +supped, they went back and danced. Some supped again. I gave Miss +Bunion, with my own hands, four bumpers of champagne: and such a +quantity of goose-liver and truffles, that I don't wonder she took +a glass of cherry-brandy afterwards. The gray morning was in +Pocklington Square as she drove away in her fly. So did the other +people go away. How green and sallow some of the girls looked, and +how awfully clear Mrs. Colonel Bludyer's rouge was! Lady Jane +Ranville's great coach had roared away down the streets long +before. Fred Minchin pattered off in his clogs: it was I who +covered up Miss Meggot, and conducted her, with her two old +sisters, to the carriage. Good old souls! They have shown their +gratitude by asking me to tea next Tuesday. Methuselah is gone to +finish the night at the club. "Mind to-morrow," Miss Trotter says, +kissing her hand out of the carriage. Canaillard departs, asking +the way to "Lesterre Squar." They all go away--life goes away. + +Look at Miss Martin and young Ward! How tenderly the rogue is +wrapping her up! how kindly she looks at him! The old folks are +whispering behind as they wait for their carriage. What is their +talk, think you? and when shall that pair make a match? When you +see those pretty little creatures with their smiles and their +blushes, and their pretty ways, would you like to be the Grand +Bashaw? + +"Mind and send me a large piece of cake," I go up and whisper +archly to old Mr. Ward: and we look on rather sentimentally at the +couple, almost the last in the rooms (there, I declare, go the +musicians, and the clock is at five)--when Grundsell, with an air +effare, rushes up to me and says, "For e'v'n sake, sir, go into the +supper-room: there's that Hirish gent a-pitchin' into Mr. P." + + +THE MULLIGAN AND MR. PERKINS. + + +It was too true. I had taken him away after supper (he ran after +Miss Little's carriage, who was dying in love with him as he +fancied), but the brute had come back again. The doctors of +divinity were putting up their condiments: everybody was gone; but +the abominable Mulligan sat swinging his legs at the lonely supper- +table! + +Perkins was opposite, gasping at him. + +The Mulligan.--I tell ye, ye are the butler, ye big fat man. Go +get me some more champagne: it's good at this house. + +Mr. Perkins (with dignity).--It IS good at this house; but-- + +The Mulligan.--Bht hwhat, ye goggling, bow-windowed jackass? Go +get the wine, and we'll dthrink it together, my old buck. + +Mr. Perkins.--My name, sir, is PERKINS. + +The Mulligan.--Well, that rhymes with jerkins, my man of firkins; +so don't let us have any more shirkings and lurkings, Mr. Perkins. + +Mr. Perkins (with apoplectic energy).--Sir, I am the master of this +house; and I order you to quit it. I'll not be insulted, sir. +I'll send for a policeman, sir. What do you mean, Mr. Titmarsh, +sir, by bringing this--this beast into my house, sir? + +At this, with a scream like that of a Hyrcanian tiger, Mulligan of +the hundred battles sprang forward at his prey; but we were +beforehand with him. Mr. Gregory, Mr. Grundsell, Sir Giles Bacon's +large man, the young gentlemen, and myself, rushed simultaneously +upon the tipsy chieftain, and confined him. The doctors of +divinity looked on with perfect indifference. That Mr. Perkins did +not go off in a fit is a wonder. He was led away heaving and +snorting frightfully. + +Somebody smashed Mulligan's hat over his eyes, and I led him forth +into the silent morning. The chirrup of the birds, the freshness +of the rosy air, and a penn'orth of coffee that I got for him at a +stall in the Regent Circus, revived him somewhat. When I quitted +him, he was not angry but sad. He was desirous, it is true, of +avenging the wrongs of Erin in battle line; he wished also to share +the grave of Sarsfield and Hugh O'Neill; but he was sure that Miss +Perkins, as well as Miss Little, was desperately in love with him; +and I left him on a doorstep in tears. + + +"Is it best to be laughing-mad, or crying-mad, in the world?" says +I moodily, coming into my street. Betsy the maid was already up +and at work, on her knees, scouring the steps, and cheerfully +beginning her honest daily labor. + + + + +OUR STREET + +BY MR. M. A TITMARSH. + + +Our street, from the little nook which I occupy in it, and whence +I and a fellow-lodger and friend of mine cynically observe it, +presents a strange motley scene. We are in a state of transition. +We are not as yet in the town, and we have left the country, where +we were when I came to lodge with Mrs. Cammysole, my excellent +landlady. I then took second-floor apartments at No. 17, Waddilove +Street, and since, although I have never moved (having various +little comforts about me), I find myself living at No. 46A, +Pocklington Gardens. + +Why is this? Why am I to pay eighteen shillings instead of +fifteen? I was quite as happy in Waddilove Street; but the fact +is, a great portion of that venerable old district has passed away, +and we are being absorbed into the splendid new white-stuccoed +Doric-porticoed genteel Pocklington quarter. Sir Thomas Gibbs +Pocklington, M. P. for the borough of Lathanplaster, is the founder +of the district and his own fortune. The Pocklington Estate Office +is in the Square, on a line with Waddil--with Pocklington Gardens I +mean. The old inn, the "Ram and Magpie," where the market- +gardeners used to bait, came out this year with a new white face +and title, the shield, &c. of the "Pocklington Arms." Such a +shield it is! Such quarterings! Howard, Cavendish, De Ros, De la +Zouche, all mingled together. + +Even our house, 46A, which Mrs. Cammysole has had painted white in +compliment to the Gardens of which it now forms part, is a sort of +impostor, and has no business to be called Gardens at all. Mr. +Gibbs, Sir Thomas's agent and nephew, is furious at our daring to +take the title which belongs to our betters. The very next door +(No. 46, the Honorable Mrs. Mountnoddy,) is a house of five +stories, shooting up proudly into the air, thirty feet above our +old high-roofed low-roomed old tenement. Our house belongs to +Captain Bragg, not only the landlord but the son-in-law of Mrs. +Cammysole, who lives a couple of hundred yards down the street, at +"The Bungalow." He was the commander of the "Ram Chunder" East +Indiaman, and has quarrelled with the Pocklingtons ever since he +bought houses in the parish. + +He it is who will not sell or alter his houses to suit the spirit +of the times. He it is who, though he made the widow Cammysole +change the name of her street, will not pull down the house next +door, nor the baker's next, nor the iron-bedstead and feather +warehouse ensuing, nor the little barber's with the pole, nor, I am +ashamed to say, the tripe-shop, still standing. The barber powders +the heads of the great footmen from Pocklington Gardens; they are +so big that they can scarcely sit in his little premises. And the +old tavern, the "East Indiaman," is kept by Bragg's ship-steward, +and protests against the "Pocklington Arms." + +Down the road is Pocklington Chapel, Rev. Oldham Slocum--in brick, +with arched windows and a wooden belfry: sober, dingy, and hideous. +In the centre of Pocklington Gardens rises St. Waltheof's, the Rev. +Cyril Thuryfer and assistants--a splendid Anglo-Norman edifice, +vast, rich, elaborate, bran new, and intensely old. Down Avemary +Lane you may hear the clink of the little Romish chapel bell. And +hard by is a large broad-shouldered Ebenezer (Rev. Jonas Gronow), +out of the windows of which the hymns come booming all Sunday long. + +Going westward along the line, we come presently to Comandine House +(on a part of the gardens of which Comandine Gardens is about to be +erected by his lordship); farther on, "The Pineries," Mr. and Lady +Mary Mango: and so we get into the country, and out of Our Street +altogether, as I may say. But in the half-mile, over which it may +be said to extend, we find all sorts and conditions of people--from +the Right Honorable Lord Comandine down to the present topographer; +who being of no rank as it were, has the fortune to be treated on +almost friendly footing by all, from his lordship down to the +tradesman. + + +OUR HOUSE IN OUR STREET + + +We must begin our little descriptions where they say charity should +begin--at home. Mrs. Cammysole, my landlady, will be rather +surprised when she reads this, and finds that a good-natured +tenant, who has never complained of her impositions for fifteen +years, understands every one of her tricks, and treats them, not +with anger, but with scorn--with silent scorn. + +On the 18th of December, 1837, for instance, coming gently down +stairs, and before my usual wont, I saw you seated in my arm-chair, +peeping into a letter that came from my aunt in the country, just +as if it had been addressed to you, and not to "M. A. Titmarsh, +Esq." Did I make any disturbance? far from it; I slunk back to my +bedroom (being enabled to walk silently in the beautiful pair of +worsted slippers Miss Penelope J--s worked for me: they are worn +out now, dear Penelope!) and then rattling open the door with a +great noise, descending the stairs, singing "Son vergin vezzosa" at +the top of my voice. You were not in my sitting-room, Mrs. +Cammysole, when I entered that apartment. + +You have been reading all my letters, papers, manuscripts, +brouillons of verses, inchoate articles for the Morning Post and +Morning Chronicle, invitations to dinner and tea--all my family +letters, all Eliza Townley's letters, from the first, in which she +declared that to be the bride of her beloved Michelagnolo was the +fondest wish of her maiden heart, to the last, in which she +announced that her Thomas was the best of husbands, and signed +herself "Eliza Slogger;" all Mary Farmer's letters, all Emily +Delamere's; all that poor foolish old Miss MacWhirter's, whom I +would as soon marry as ----: in a word, I know that you, you hawk- +beaked, keen-eyed, sleepless, indefatigable old Mrs. Cammysole, +have read all my papers for these fifteen years. + +I know that you cast your curious old eyes over all the manuscripts +which you find in my coat-pockets and those of my pantaloons, as +they hang in a drapery over the door-handle of my bedroom. + +I know that you count the money in my green and gold purse, which +Lucy Netterville gave me, and speculate on the manner in which I +have laid out the difference between to-day and yesterday. + +I know that you have an understanding with the laundress (to whom +you say that you are all-powerful with me), threatening to take +away my practice from her, unless she gets up gratis some of your +fine linen. + +I know that we both have a pennyworth of cream for breakfast, which +is brought in in the same little can; and I know who has the most +for her share. + +I know how many lumps of sugar you take from each pound as it +arrives. I have counted the lumps, you old thief, and for years +have never said a word, except to Miss Clapperclaw, the first-floor +lodger. Once I put a bottle of pale brandy into that cupboard, of +which you and I only have keys, and the liquor wasted and wasted +away until it was all gone. You drank the whole of it, you wicked +old woman. You a lady, indeed! + +I know your rage when they did me the honor to elect me a member of +the "Poluphloisboiothalasses Club," and I ceased consequently to +dine at home. When I DID dine at home,--on a beefsteak let us +say,--I should like to know what you had for supper. You first +amputated portions of the meat when raw; you abstracted more when +cooked. Do you think I was taken in by your flimsy pretences? I +wonder how you could dare to do such things before your maids (you +a clergyman's daughter and widow, indeed), whom you yourself were +always charging with roguery. + +Yes, the insolence of the old woman is unbearable, and I must break +out at last. If she goes off in a fit at reading this, I am sure I +shan't mind. She has two unhappy wenches, against whom her old +tongue is clacking from morning till night: she pounces on them at +all hours. It was but this morning at eight, when poor Molly was +brooming the steps, and the baker paying her by no means unmerited +compliments, that my landlady came whirling out of the ground-floor +front, and sent the poor girl whimpering into the kitchen. + +Were it but for her conduct to her maids I was determined publicly +to denounce her. These poor wretches she causes to lead the lives +of demons; and not content with bullying them all day, she sleeps +at night in the same room with them, so that she may have them up +before daybreak, and scold them while they are dressing. + +Certain it is, that between her and Miss Clapperclaw, on the first +floor, the poor wenches lead a dismal life. + +It is to you that I owe most of my knowledge of our neighbors; from +you it is that most of the facts and observations contained in +these brief pages are taken. Many a night, over our tea, have we +talked amiably about our neighbors and their little failings; and +as I know that you speak of mine pretty freely, why, let me say, my +dear Bessy, that if we have not built up Our Street between us, at +least we have pulled it to pieces. + + +THE BUNGALOW--CAPTAIN AND MRS. BRAGG. + + +Long, long ago, when Our Street was the country--a stagecoach +between us and London passing four times a day--I do not care to +own that it was a sight of Flora Cammysole's face, under the card +of her mamma's "Lodgings to Let," which first caused me to become a +tenant of Our Street. A fine good-humored lass she was then; and I +gave her lessons (part out of the rent) in French and flower- +painting. She has made a fine rich marriage since, although her +eyes have often seemed to me to say, "Ah, Mr. T., why didn't you, +when there was yet time, and we both of us were free, propose--you +know what?" "Psha! Where was the money, my dear madam?" + +Captain Bragg, then occupied in building Bungalow Lodge--Bragg, I +say, living on the first floor, and entertaining sea-captains, +merchants, and East Indian friends with his grand ship's plate, +being disappointed in a project of marrying a director's daughter, +who was also a second cousin once removed of a peer,--sent in a +fury for Mrs. Cammysole, his landlady, and proposed to marry Flora +off-hand, and settle four hundred a year upon her. Flora was +ordered from the back-parlor (the ground-floor occupies the second- +floor bedroom), and was on the spot made acquainted with the +splendid offer which the first-floor had made her. She has been +Mrs. Captain Bragg these twelve years. + +Bragg to this day wears anchor-buttons, and has a dress-coat with a +gold strap for epaulets, in case he should have a fancy to sport +them. His house is covered with portraits, busts, and miniatures +of himself. His wife is made to wear one of the latter. On his +sideboard are pieces of plate, presented by the passengers of the +"Ram Chunder" to Captain Bragg: "The 'Ram Chunder' East Indiaman, +in a gale, off Table Bay;" "The Outward-bound Fleet, under convoy +of her Majesty's frigate 'Loblollyboy,' Captain Gutch, beating off +the French squadron, under Commodore Leloup (the 'Ram Chunder,' +S.E. by E., is represented engaged with the 'Mirliton' corvette);" +"The 'Ram Chunder' standing into the Hooghly, with Captain Bragg, +his telescope and speaking-trumpet, on the poop;" "Captain Bragg +presenting the Officers of the 'Ram Chunder' to General Bonaparte +at St. Helena--TITMARSH" (this fine piece was painted by me when I +was in favor with Bragg); in a word, Bragg and the "Ram Chunder" +are all over the house. + +Although I have eaten scores of dinners at Captain Bragg's charge, +yet his hospitality is so insolent, that none of us who frequent +his mahogany feel any obligation to our braggart entertainer. + +After he has given one of his great heavy dinners he always takes +an opportunity to tell you, in the most public way, how many +bottles of wine were drunk. His pleasure is to make his guests +tipsy, and to tell everybody how and when the period of inebriation +arose. And Miss Clapperclaw tells me that he often comes over +laughing and giggling to her, and pretending that he has brought ME +into this condition--a calumny which I fling contemptuously in his +face. + +He scarcely gives any but men's parties, and invites the whole club +home to dinner. What is the compliment of being asked, when the +whole club is asked too, I should like to know? Men's parties are +only good for boys. I hate a dinner where there are no women. +Bragg sits at the head of his table, and bullies the solitary Mrs. +Bragg. + +He entertains us with stories of storms which he, Bragg, +encountered--of dinners which he, Bragg, has received from the +Governor-General of India--of jokes which he, Bragg, has heard; +and however stale or odious they may be, poor Mrs. B. is always +expected to laugh. + +Woe be to her if she doesn't, or if she laughs at anybody else's +jokes. I have seen Bragg go up to her and squeeze her arm with a +savage grind of his teeth, and say, with an oath, "Hang it, madam, +how dare you laugh when any man but your husband speaks to you? I +forbid you to grin in that way. I forbid you to look sulky. I +forbid you to look happy, or to look up, or to keep your eyes down +to the ground. I desire you will not be trapesing through the +rooms. I order you not to sit as still as a stone." He curses her +if the wine is corked, or if the dinner is spoiled, or if she comes +a minute too soon to the club for him, or arrives a minute too +late. He forbids her to walk, except upon his arm. And the +consequence of his ill treatment is, that Mrs. Cammysole and Mrs. +Bragg respect him beyond measure, and think him the first of human +beings. + +"I never knew a woman who was constantly bullied by her husband who +did not like him the better for it," Miss Clapperclaw says. And +though this speech has some of Clapp's usual sardonic humor in it, +I can't but think there is some truth in the remark. + + +LEVANT HOUSE CHAMBERS. + +MR. RUMBOLD, A.R.A., AND MISS RUMBOLD. + + +When Lord Levant quitted the country and this neighborhood, in +which the tradesmen still deplore him, No. 56, known as Levantine +House, was let to the "Pococurante Club," which was speedily +bankrupt (for we are too far from the centre of town to support a +club of our own); it was subsequently hired by the West Diddlesex +Railroad; and is now divided into sets of chambers, superintended +by an acrimonious housekeeper, and by a porter in a sham livery: +whom, if you don't find him at the door, you may as well seek at +the "Grapes" public-house, in the little lane round the corner. He +varnishes the japan-boots of the dandy lodgers; reads Mr. Pinkney's +Morning Post before he lets him have it; and neglects the letters +of the inmates of the chambers generally. + +The great rooms, which were occupied as the salons of the noble +Levant, the coffee-rooms of the "Pococurante" (a club where the +play was furious, as I am told), and the board-room and manager's- +room of the West Diddlesex, are tenanted now by a couple of +artists: young Pinkney the miniaturist, and George Rumbold the +historical painter. Miss Rumbold, his sister lives with him, by +the way; but with that young lady of course we have nothing to do. + +I knew both these gentlemen at Rome, where George wore a velvet +doublet and a beard down to his chest, and used to talk about high +art at the "Caffe Greco." How it smelled of smoke, that velveteen +doublet of his, with which his stringy red beard was likewise +perfumed! It was in his studio that I had the honor to be +introduced to his sister, the fair Miss Clara: she had a large +casque with a red horse-hair plume (I thought it had been a wisp of +her brother's beard at first), and held a tin-headed spear in her +hand, representing a Roman warrior in the great picture of +"Caractacus" George was painting--a piece sixty-four feet by +eighteen. The Roman warrior blushed to be discovered in that +attitude: the tin-headed spear trembled in the whitest arm in the +world. So she put it down, and taking off the helmet also, went +and sat in a far corner of the studio, mending George's stockings; +whilst we smoked a couple of pipes, and talked about Raphael being +a good deal overrated. + +I think he is; and have never disguised my opinion about the +"Transfiguration.". And all the time we talked, there were Clara's +eyes looking lucidly out from the dark corner in which she was +sitting, working away at the stockings. The lucky fellow! They +were in a dreadful state of bad repair when she came out to him at +Rome, after the death of their father, the Reverend Miles Rumbold. + +George, while at Rome, painted "Caractacus;" a picture of "Non +Angli sed Angeli" of course; a picture of "Alfred in the Neatherd's +Cottage," seventy-two feet by forty-eight--(an idea of the gigantic +size and Michel-Angelesque proportions of this picture may be +formed, when I state that the mere muffin, of which the outcast +king is spoiling the baking, is two feet three in diameter) and the +deaths of Socrates, of Remus, and of the Christians under Nero +respectively. I shall never forget how lovely Clara looked in +white muslin, with her hair down, in this latter picture, giving +herself up to a ferocious Carnifex (for which Bob Gaunter the +architect sat), and refusing to listen to the mild suggestions of +an insinuating Flamen: which character was a gross caricature of +myself. + +None of George's pictures sold. He has enough to tapestry +Trafalgar Square. He has painted, since he came back to England, +"The Flaying of Marsyas," "The Smothering of the Little Boys in the +Tower," "A Plague Scene during the Great Pestilence," "Ugolino on +the Seventh Day after he was deprived of Victuals," &c. For +although these pictures have great merit, and the writhings of +Marsyas, the convulsions of the little prince, the look of agony of +St. Lawrence on the gridiron, &c. are quite true to nature, yet the +subjects somehow are not agreeable; and if he hadn't a small +patrimony, my friend George would starve. + +Fondness for art leads me a great deal to his studio. George is a +gentleman, and has very good friends, and good pluck too. When we +were at Rome, there was a great row between him and young Heeltap, +Lord Boxmoor's son, who was uncivil to Miss Rumbold; (the young +scoundrel--had I been a fighting man, I should like to have shot +him myself!). Lady Betty Bulbul is very fond of Clara; and Tom +Bulbul, who took George's message to Heeltap, is always hanging +about the studio. At least I know that I find the young jackanapes +there almost every day, bringing a new novel, or some poisonous +French poetry, or a basket of flowers, or grapes, with Lady Betty's +love to her dear Clara--a young rascal with white kids, and his +hair curled every morning. What business has HE to be dangling +about George Rumbold's premises, and sticking up his ugly pug-face +as a model for all George's pictures? + +Miss Clapperclaw says Bulbul is evidently smitten, and Clara too. +What! would she put up with such a little fribble as that, when +there is a man of intellect and taste who--but I won't believe it. +It is all the jealousy of women. + + +SOME OF THE SERVANTS IN OUR STREET. + + +These gentlemen have two clubs in our quarter--for the butlers at +the "Indiaman," and for the gents in livery at the "Pocklington +Arms"--of either of which societies I should like to be a member. +I am sure they could not be so dull as our club at the +"Poluphloisboio," where one meets the same neat, clean, respectable +old fogies every day. + +But with the best wishes, it is impossible for the present writer +to join either the "Plate Club" or the " Uniform Club" (as these +reunions are designated); for one could not shake hands with a +friend who was standing behind your chair, or nod a How-d'ye-do? to +the butler who was pouring you out a glass of wine;--so that what I +know about the gents in our neighborhood is from mere casual +observation. For instance, I have a slight acquaintance with (1) +Thomas Spavin, who commonly wears an air of injured innocence, and +is groom to Mr. Joseph Green, of Our Street. "I tell why the +brougham 'oss is out of condition, and why Desperation broke out +all in a lather! 'Osses will, this 'eavy weather; and Desperation +was always the most mystest hoss I ever see.--I take him out with +Mr. Anderson's 'ounds--I'm above it. I allis was too timid to ride +to 'ounds by natur; and Colonel Sprigs' groom as says he saw me, is +a liar," &c. &c. + +Such is the tenor of Mr. Spavin's remarks to his master. Whereas +all the world in Our Street knows that Mr. Spavin spends at least a +hundred a year in beer; that he keeps a betting-book; that he has +lent Mr. Green's black brougham horse to the omnibus driver; and, +at a time when Mr. G. supposed him at the veterinary surgeon's, +has lent him to a livery stable, which has let him out to that +gentleman himself, and actually driven him to dinner behind his own +horse. + +This conduct I can understand, but I cannot excuse--Mr. Spavin may; +and I leave the matter to be settled betwixt himself and Mr. Green. + +The second is Monsieur Sinbad, Mr. Clarence Bulbul's man, whom we +all hate Clarence for keeping. + +Mr. Sinbad is a foreigner, speaking no known language, but a +mixture of every European dialect--so that he may be an Italian +brigand, or a Tyrolese minstrel, or a Spanish smuggler, for what we +know. I have heard say that he is neither of these, but an Irish +Jew. + +He wears studs, hair-oil, jewellery, and linen shirt-fronts, very +finely embroidered, but not particular for whiteness. He generally +appears in faded velvet waistcoats of a morning, and is always +perfumed with stale tobacco. He wears large rings on his hands, +which look as if he kept them up the chimney. + +He does not appear to do anything earthly for Clarence Bulbul, +except to smoke his cigars, and to practise on his guitar. He will +not answer a bell, nor fetch a glass of water, nor go of an errand +on which, au reste, Clarence dares not send him, being entirely +afraid of his servant, and not daring to use him, or to abuse him, +or to send him away. + +3. Adams--Mr. Champignon's man--a good old man in an old livery +coat with old worsted lace--so very old, deaf, surly, and faithful, +that you wonder how he should have got into the family at all; who +never kept a footman till last year, when they came into the +street. + +Miss Clapperclaw says she believes Adams to be Mrs. Champignon's +father, and he certainly has a look of that lady; as Miss C. +pointed out to me at dinner one night, whilst old Adams was +blundering about amongst the hired men from Gunter's, and falling +over the silver dishes. + +4. Fipps, the buttoniest page in all the street: walks behind Mrs. +Grimsby with her prayer-book, and protects her. + +"If that woman wants a protector" (a female acquaintance remarks), +"heaven be good to us! She is as big as an ogress, and has an +upper lip which many a cornet of the Lifeguards might envy. Her +poor dear husband was a big man, and she could beat him easily; and +did too. Mrs. Grimsby indeed! Why, my dear Mr. Titmarsh, it is +Glumdalca walking with Tom Thumb." + +This observation of Miss C.'s is very true, and Mrs. Grimsby might +carry her prayer-book to church herself. But Miss Clapperclaw, who +is pretty well able to take care of herself too, was glad enough to +have the protection of the page when she went out in the fly to pay +visits, and before Mrs. Grimsby and she quarrelled at whist at Lady +Pocklington's. + +After this merely parenthetic observation, we come to 5, one of her +ladyship's large men, Mr. Jeames--a gentleman of vast stature and +proportions, who is almost nose to nose with us as we pass her +ladyship's door on the outside of the omnibus. I think Jeames has +a contempt for a man whom he witnesses in that position. I have +fancied something like that feeling showed itself (as far as it may +in a well-bred gentleman accustomed to society) in his behavior, +while waiting behind my chair at dinner. + +But I take Jeames to be, like most giants, good-natured, lazy, +stupid, soft-hearted, and extremely fond of drink. One night, his +lady being engaged to dinner at Nightingale House, I saw Mr. Jeames +resting himself on a bench at the "Pocklington Arms:" where, as he +had no liquor before him, he had probably exhausted his credit. + +Little Spitfire, Mr. Clarence Bulbul's boy, the wickedest little +varlet that ever hung on to a cab, was "chaffing" Mr. Jeames, +holding up to his face a pot of porter almost as big as the young +potifer himself. + +"Vill you now, Big'un, or von't you?" Spitfire said. "If you're +thirsty, vy don't you say so and squench it, old boy?" + +"Don't ago on making fun of me--I can't abear chaffin'," was the +reply of Mr. Jeames, and tears actually stood in his fine eyes as +he looked at the porter and the screeching little imp before him. + +Spitfire (real name unknown) gave him some of the drink: I am happy +to say Jeames's face wore quite a different look when it rose +gasping out of the porter; and I judge of his dispositions from the +above trivial incident. + +The last boy in the sketch, 6, need scarcely be particularized. +Doctor's boy; was a charity-boy; stripes evidently added on to a +pair of the doctor's clothes of last year--Miss Clapperclaw pointed +this out to me with a giggle. Nothing escapes that old woman. + +As we were walking in Kensington Gardens, she pointed me out Mrs. +Bragg's nursery-maid, who sings so loud at church, engaged with a +Lifeguardsman, whom she was trying to convert probably. My +virtuous friend rose indignant at the sight. + +"That's why these minxes like Kensington Gardens," she cried. +"Look at the woman: she leaves the baby on the grass, for the giant +to trample upon; and that little wretch of a Hastings Bragg is +riding on the monster's cane." + +Miss C. flew up and seized the infant, waking it out of its sleep, +and causing all the gardens to echo with its squalling. "I'll +teach you to be impudent to me," she said to the nursery-maid, with +whom my vivacious old friend, I suppose, has had a difference; and +she would not release the infant until she had rung the bell of +Bungalow Lodge, where she gave it up to the footman. + +The giant in scarlet had slunk down towards Knightsbridge meanwhile. +The big rogues are always crossing the Park and the Gardens, and +hankering about Our Street. + + +WHAT SOMETIMES HAPPENS IN OUR STREET. + + +It was before old Hunkington's house that the mutes were standing, +as I passed and saw this group at the door. The charity-boy with +the hoop is the son of the jolly-looking mute; he admires his +father, who admires himself too, in those bran-new sables. The +other infants are the spawn of the alleys about Our Street. Only +the parson and the typhus fever visit those mysterious haunts, +which lie crouched about our splendid houses like Lazarus at the +threshold of Dives. + +Those little ones come crawling abroad in the sunshine, to the +annoyance of the beadles, and the horror of a number of good people +in the street. They will bring up the rear of the procession anon, +when the grand omnibus with the feathers, and the line coaches with +the long-tailed black horses, and the gentleman's private carriages +with the shutters up, pass along to Saint Waltheof's. + +You can hear the slow bell tolling clear in the sunshine already, +mingling with the crowing of "Punch," who is passing down the +street with his show; and the two musics make a queer medley. + +Not near so many people, I remark, engage "Punch" now as in the +good old times. I suppose our quarter is growing too genteel for +him. + +Miss Bridget Jones, a poor curate's daughter in Wales, comes into +all Hunkington's property, and will take his name, as I am told. +Nobody ever heard of her before. I am sure Captain Hunkington, and +his brother Barnwell Hunkington, must wish that the lucky young +lady had never been heard of to the present day. + +But they will have the consolation of thinking that they did their +duty by their uncle, and consoled his declining years. It was but +last month that Millwood Hunkington (the Captain) sent the old +gentleman a service of plate; and Mrs. Barnwell got a reclining +carriage at a great expense from Hobbs and Dobbs's, in which the +old gentleman went out only once. + +"It is a punishment on those Hunkingtons," Miss Clapperclaw +remarks: "upon those people who have been always living beyond +their little incomes, and always speculating upon what the old man +would leave them, and always coaxing him with presents which they +could not afford, and he did not want. It is a punishment upon +those Hunkingtons to be so disappointed." + +"Think of giving him plate," Miss C. justly says, "who had chests- +full; and sending him a carriage, who could afford to buy all Long +Acre. And everything goes to Miss Jones Hunkington. I wonder will +she give the things back?" Miss Clapperclaw asks. "I wouldn't." + +And indeed I don't think Miss Clapperclaw would. + + +SOMEBODY WHOM NOBODY KNOWS. + + +That pretty little house, the last in Pocklington Square, was +lately occupied by a young widow lady who wore a pink bonnet, a +short silk dress, sustained by a crinoline, and a light blue +mantle, or over-jacket (Miss C. is not here to tell me the name of +the garment); or else a black velvet pelisse, a yellow shawl, and a +white bonnet; or else--but never mind the dress, which seemed to be +of the handsomest sort money could buy--and who had very long +glossy black ringlets, and a peculiarly brilliant complexion,--No. +96, Pocklington Square, I say, was lately occupied by a widow lady +named Mrs. Stafford Molyneux. + +The very first day on which an intimate and valued female friend of +mine saw Mrs. Stafford Molyneux stepping into a brougham, with a +splendid bay horse, and without a footman, (mark, if you please, +that delicate sign of respectability,) and after a moment's +examination of Mrs. S. M.'s toilette, her manners, little dog, +carnation-colored parasol, &c., Miss Elizabeth Clapperclaw clapped +to the opera-glass with which she had been regarding the new +inhabitant of Our Street, came away from the window in a great +flurry, and began poking her fire in a fit of virtuous indignation. + +"She's very pretty," said I, who had been looking over Miss C.'s +shoulder at the widow with the flashing eyes and drooping ringlets. + +"Hold your tongue, sir," said Miss Clapperclaw, tossing up her +virgin head with an indignant blush on her nose. "It's a sin and +a shame that such a creature should be riding in her carriage, +forsooth, when honest people must go on foot." + +Subsequent observations confirmed my revered fellow-lodger's anger +and opinion. We have watched Hansom cabs standing before that +lady's house for hours; we have seen broughams, with great flaring +eyes, keeping watch there in the darkness; we have seen the vans +from the comestible-shops drive up and discharge loads of wines, +groceries, French plums, and other articles of luxurious horror. +We have seen Count Wowski's drag, Lord Martingale's carriage, Mr. +Deuceace's cab drive up there time after time; and (having remarked +previously the pastry-cook's men arrive with the trays and +entrees), we have known that this widow was giving dinners at the +little house in Pocklington Square--dinners such as decent people +could not hope to enjoy. + +My excellent friend has been in a perfect fury when Mrs. Stafford +Molyneux, in a black velvet riding-habit, with a hat and feather, +has come out and mounted an odious gray horse, and has cantered +down the street, followed by her groom upon a bay. + +"It won't last long--it must end in shame and humiliation," my dear +Miss C. has remarked, disappointed that the tiles and chimney-pots +did not fall down upon Mrs. Stafford Molyneux's head, and crush +that cantering, audacious woman. + +But it was a consolation to see her when she walked out with a +French maid, a couple of children, and a little dog hanging on to +her by a blue ribbon. She always held down her head then--her head +with the drooping black ringlets. The virtuous and well-disposed +avoided her. I have seen the Square-keeper himself look puzzled as +she passed; and Lady Kicklebury walking by with Miss K., her +daughter, turn away from Mrs. Stafford Molyneux, and fling back at +her a ruthless Parthian glance that ought to have killed any woman +of decent sensibility. + +That wretched woman, meanwhile, with her rouged cheeks (for rouge +it IS, Miss Clapperclaw swears, and who is a better judge?) has +walked on conscious, and yet somehow braving out the Street. You +could read pride of her beauty, pride of her fine clothes, shame of +her position, in her downcast black eyes. + +As for Mademoiselle Trampoline, her French maid, she would stare +the sun itself out of countenance. One day she tossed up her head +as she passed under our windows with a look of scorn that drove +Miss Clapperclaw back to the fireplace again. + +It was Mrs. Stafford Molyneux's children, however, whom I pitied +the most. Once her boy, in a flaring tartan, went up to speak to +Master Roderick Lacy, whose maid was engaged ogling a policeman; +and the children were going to make friends, being united with a +hoop which Master Molyneux had, when Master Roderick's maid, +rushing up, clutched her charge to her arms, and hurried away, +leaving little Molyneux sad and wondering. + +"Why won't he play with me, mamma?" Master Molyneux asked--and his +mother's face blushed purple as she walked away. + +"Ah--heaven help us and forgive us!" said I; but Miss C. can never +forgive the mother or child; and she clapped her hands for joy one +day when we saw the shutters up, bills in the windows, a carpet +hanging out over the balcony, and a crowd of shabby Jews about the +steps--giving token that the reign of Mrs. Stafford Molyneux was +over. The pastry-cooks and their trays, the bay and the gray, the +brougham and the groom, the noblemen and their cabs, were all gone; +and the tradesmen in the neighborhood were crying out that they +were done. + +"Serve the odious minx right!" says Miss C.; and she played at +piquet that night with more vigor than I have known her manifest +for these last ten years. + +What is it that makes certain old ladies so savage upon certain +subjects? Miss C. is a good woman; pays her rent and her +tradesmen; gives plenty to the poor; is brisk with her tongue-- +kind-hearted in the main; but if Mrs. Stafford Molyneux and her +children were plunged into a caldron of boiling vinegar, I think my +revered friend would not take them out. + + +THE MAN IN POSSESSION. + + +For another misfortune which occurred in Our Street we were much +more compassionate. We liked Danby Dixon, and his wife Fanny Dixon +still more. Miss C. had a paper of biscuits and a box of preserved +apricots always in the cupboard, ready for Dixon's children-- +provisions by the way which she locked up under Mrs. Cammysole's +nose, so that our landlady could by no possibility lay a hand on +them. + +Dixon and his wife had the neatest little house possible, (No. 16, +opposite 96,) and were liked and respected by the whole street. He +was called Dandy Dixon when he was in the dragoons, and was a light +weight, and rather famous as a gentleman rider. On his marriage, +he sold out and got fat: and was indeed a florid, contented, and +jovial gentleman. + +His little wife was charming--to see her in pink with some miniature +Dixons, in pink too, round about her, or in that beautiful gray +dress, with the deep black lace flounces, which she wore at my Lord +Comandine's on the night of the private theatricals, would have done +any man good. To hear her sing any of my little ballads, "Knowest +Thou the Willow-tree?" for instance, or "The Rose upon my Balcony," +or "The Humming of the Honey-bee," (far superior in MY judgment, and +in that of SOME GOOD JUDGES likewise, to that humbug Clarence +Bulbul's ballads,)--to hear her, I say, sing these, was to be in a +sort of small Elysium. Dear, dear little Fanny Dixon! she was like +a little chirping bird of Paradise. It was a shame that storms +should ever ruffle such a tender plumage. + +Well, never mind about sentiment. Danby Dixon, the owner of this +little treasure, an ex-captain of Dragoons, and having nothing to +do, and a small income, wisely thought he would employ his spare +time, and increase his revenue. He became a director of the +Cornaro Life Insurance Company, of the Tregulpho tin-mines, and of +four or five railroad companies. It was amusing to see him +swaggering about the City in his clinking boots, and with his high +and mighty dragoon manners. For a time his talk about shares after +dinner was perfectly intolerable; and I for one was always glad to +leave him in the company of sundry very dubious capitalists who +frequented his house, and walk up to hear Mrs. Fanny warbling at +the piano with her little children about her knees. + +It was only last season that they set up a carriage--the modestest +little vehicle conceivable--driven by Kirby, who had been in +Dixon's troop in the regiment, and had followed him into private +life as coachman, footman, and page. + +One day lately I went into Dixon's house, hearing that some +calamities had befallen him, the particulars of which Miss +Clapperclaw was desirous to know. The creditors of the Tregulpho +Mines had got a verdict against him as one of the directors of that +company; the engineer of the Little Diddlesex Junction had sued him +for two thousand three hundred pounds--the charges of that +scientific man for six weeks' labor in surveying the line. His +brother directors were to be discovered nowhere: Windham, Dodgin, +Mizzlington, and the rest, were all gone long ago. + +When I entered, the door was open: there was a smell of smoke in +the dining-room, where a gentleman at noonday was seated with a +pipe and a pot of beer: a man in possession indeed, in that +comfortable pretty parlor, by that snug round table where I have +so often seen Fanny Dixon's smiling face. + +Kirby, the ex-dragoon, was scowling at the fellow, who lay upon a +little settee reading the newspaper, with an evident desire to kill +him. Mrs. Kirby, his wife, held little Danby, poor Dixon's son and +heir. Dixon's portrait smiled over the sideboard still, and his +wife was up stairs in an agony of fear, with the poor little +daughters of this bankrupt, broken family. + +This poor soul had actually come down and paid a visit to the man +in possession. She had sent wine and dinner to "the gentleman down +stairs," as she called him in her terror. She had tried to move +his heart, by representing to him how innocent Captain Dixon was, +and how he had always paid, and always remained at home when +everybody else had fled. As if her tears and simple tales and +entreaties could move that man in possession out of the house, or +induce him to pay the costs of the action which her husband had +lost. + +Danby meanwhile was at Boulogne, sickening after his wife and +children. They sold everything in his house--all his smart +furniture and neat little stock of plate; his wardrobe and his +linen, "the property of a gentleman gone abroad;" his carriage by +the best maker; and his wine selected without regard to expense. +His house was shut up as completely as his opposite neighbor's; and +a new tenant is just having it fresh painted inside and out, as if +poor Dixon had left an infection behind. + +Kirby and his wife went across the water with the children and Mrs. +Fanny--she has a small settlement; and I am bound to say that our +mutual friend Miss Elizabeth C. went down with Mrs. Dixon in the +fly to the Tower Stairs, and stopped in Lombard Street by the way. + +So it is that the world wags: that honest men and knaves alike are +always having ups and downs of fortune, and that we are perpetually +changing tenants in Our Street. + + +THE LION OF THE STREET. + + +What people can find in Clarence Bulbul, who has lately taken upon +himself the rank and dignity of Lion of Our Street, I have always +been at a loss to conjecture. + +"He has written an Eastern book of considerable merit," Miss +Clapperclaw says; but hang it, has not everybody written an Eastern +book? I should like to meet anybody in society now who has not +been up to the second cataract. An Eastern book forsooth! My Lord +Castleroyal has done one--an honest one; my Lord Youngent another-- +an amusing one; my Lord Woolsey another--a pious one; there is "The +Cutlet and the Cabob"--a sentimental one; "Timbuctoothen"--a +humorous one, all ludicrously overrated, in my opinion: not +including my own little book, of which a copy or two is still to be +had, by the way. + +Well, then, Clarence Bulbul, because he has made part of the little +tour that all of us know, comes back and gives himself airs, +forsooth, and howls as if he were just out of the great Libyan +desert. + +When we go and see him, that Irish Jew courier, whom I have before +had the honor to describe, looks up from the novel which he is +reading in the ante-room, and says, "Mon maitre est au divan," or, +"Monsieur trouvera Monsieur dans son serail," and relapses into the +Comte de Montecristo again. + +Yes, the impudent wretch has actually a room in his apartments on +the ground-floor of his mother's house, which he calls his harem. +When Lady Betty Bulbul (they are of the Nightingale family) or Miss +Blanche comes down to visit him, their slippers are placed at the +door, and he receives them on an ottoman, and these infatuated +women will actually light his pipe for him. + +Little Spitfire, the groom, hangs about the drawing-room, outside +the harem forsooth! so that he may be ready when Clarence Bulbul +claps hands for him to bring the pipes and coffee. + +He has coffee and pipes for everybody. I should like you to have +seen the face of old Bowly, his college-tutor, called upon to sit +cross-legged on a divan, a little cup of bitter black Mocha put +into his hand, and a large amber-muzzled pipe stuck into his mouth +by Spitfire, before he could so much as say it was a fine day. +Bowly almost thought he had compromised his principles by +consenting so far to this Turkish manner. + +Bulbul's dinners are, I own, very good; his pilaffs and curries +excellent. He tried to make us eat rice with our fingers, it is +true; but he scalded his own hands in the business, and invariably +bedizened his shirt; so he has left off the Turkish practice, for +dinner at least, and uses a fork like a Christian. + +But it is in society that he is most remarkable; and here he would, +I own, be odious, but he becomes delightful, because all the men +hate him so. A perfect chorus of abuse is raised round about him. +"Confounded impostor," says one; "Impudent jackass," says another; +"Miserable puppy," cries a third; "I'd like to wring his neck," +says Bruff, scowling over his shoulder at him. Clarence meanwhile +nods, winks, smiles, and patronizes them all with the easiest good- +humor. He is a fellow who would poke an archbishop in the apron, +or clap a duke on the shoulder, as coolly as he would address you +and me. + +I saw him the other night at Mrs. Bumpsher's grand let-off. He +flung himself down cross-legged on a pink satin sofa, so that you +could see Mrs. Bumpsher quiver with rage in the distance, Bruff +growl with fury from the further room, and Miss Pim, on whose frock +Bulbul's feet rested, look up like a timid fawn. + +"Fan me, Miss Pim," said he of the cushion. "You look like a +perfect Peri to-night. You remind me of a girl I once knew in +Circassia--Ameena, the sister of Schamyl Bey. Do you know, Miss +Pim, that you would fetch twenty thousand piastres in the market at +Constantinople?" + +"Law, Mr. Bulbul!" is all Miss Pim can ejaculate; and having talked +over Miss Pim, Clarence goes off to another houri, whom he +fascinates in a similar manner. He charmed Mrs. Waddy by telling +her that she was the exact figure of the Pasha of Egypt's second +wife. He gave Miss Tokely a piece of the sack in which Zuleika was +drowned; and he actually persuaded that poor little silly Miss Vain +to turn Mahometan, and sent her up to the Turkish ambassador's to +look out for a mufti. + + +THE DOVE OF OUR STREET. + + +If Bulbul is our Lion, Young Oriel may be described as The Dove of +our colony. He is almost as great a pasha among the ladies as +Bulbul. They crowd in flocks to see him at Saint Waltheof's, where +the immense height of his forehead, the rigid asceticism of his +surplice, the twang with which he intones the service, and the +namby-pamby mysticism of his sermons, have turned all the dear +girls' heads for some time past. While we were having a rubber at +Mrs. Chauntry's, whose daughters are following the new mode, I +heard the following talk (which made me revoke by the way) going +on, in what was formerly called the young ladies' room, but is now +styled the Oratory:-- + + +THE ORATORY. + +MISS CHAUNTRY. MISS ISABEL CHAUNTRY. +MISS DE L'AISLE. MISS PYX. +REV. L. ORIEL. REV. O. SLOCUM--[In the further room.] + + +Miss Chauntry (sighing).--Is it wrong to be in the Guards, dear Mr. +Oriel? + +Miss Pyx.--She will make Frank de Boots sell out when he marries. + +Mr. Oriel.--To be in the Guards, dear sister? The church has +always encouraged the army. Saint Martin of Tours was in the army; +Saint Louis was in the army; Saint Waltheof, our patron, Saint +Witikind of Aldermanbury, Saint Wamba, and Saint Walloff were in +the army. Saint Wapshot was captain of the guard of Queen +Boadicea; and Saint Werewolf was a major in the Danish cavalry. +The holy Saint Ignatius of Loyola carried a pike, as we know; and-- + +Miss De l'Aisle.--Will you take some tea, dear Mr. Oriel? + +Oriel.--This is not one of MY feast days, Sister Emma. It is the +feast of Saint Wagstatf of Walthamstow. + +The Young Ladies.--And we must not even take tea? + +Oriel.--Dear sisters, I said not so. YOU may do as you list; but I +am strong (with a heart-broken sigh); don't ply me (he reels). I +took a little water and a parched pea after matins. To-morrow is a +flesh day, and--and I shall be better then. + +Rev. O. Slocum (from within).--Madam, I take your heart with my +small trump. + +Oriel.--Yes, better! dear sister; it is only a passing--a-- +weakness. + +Miss I. Chauntry.--He's dying of fever. + +Miss Chauntry.--I'm so glad De Boots need not leave the Blues. + +Miss Pyx.--He wears sackcloth and cinders inside his waistcoat. + +Miss De l'Aisle.--He's told me to-night he's going to--to-- +Ro-o-ome. [Miss De l'Aisle bursts into tears.] + +Rev. O. Slocum.--My lord, I have the highest club, which gives the +trick and two by honors. + + +Thus, you see, we have a variety of clergymen in Our Street. Mr. +Oriel is of the pointed Gothic school, while old Slocum is of the +good old tawny port-wine school: and it must be confessed that Mr. +Gronow, at Ebenezer, has a hearty abhorrence for both. + +As for Gronow, I pity him, if his future lot should fall where Mr. +Oriel supposes that it will. + +And as for Oriel, he has not even the benefit of purgatory, which +he would accord to his neighbor Ebenezer; while old Slocum +pronounces both to be a couple of humbugs; and Mr. Mole, the demure +little beetle-browed chaplain of the little church of Avemary Lane, +keeps his sly eyes down to the ground when he passes any one of his +black-coated brethren. + +There is only one point on which, my friends, they seem agreed. +Slocum likes port, but who ever heard that he neglected his poor? +Gronow, if he comminates his neighbor's congregation, is the +affectionate father of his own. Oriel, if he loves pointed Gothic +and parched peas for breakfast, has a prodigious soup-kitchen for +his poor; and as for little Father Mole, who never lifts his eyes +from the ground, ask our doctor at what bedsides he finds him, and +how he soothes poverty, and braves misery and infection. + + +THE BUMPSHERS. + + +No. 6, Pocklington Gardens, (the house with the quantity of flowers +in the windows, and the awning over the entrance,) George Bumpsher, +Esquire, M.P. for Humborough (and the Beanstalks, Kent). + +For some time after this gorgeous family came into our quarter, I +mistook a bald-headed, stout person, whom I used to see looking +through the flowers on the upper windows, for Bumpsher himself, or +for the butler of the family; whereas it was no other than Mrs. +Bumpsher, without her chestnut wig, and who is at least three times +the size of her husband. + +The Bumpshers and the house of Mango at the Pineries vie together +in their desire to dominate over the neighborhood; and each votes +the other a vulgar and purse-proud family. The fact is, both are +City people. Bumpsher, in his mercantile capacity, is a wholesale +stationer in Thames Street; and his wife was the daughter of an +eminent bill-broking firm, not a thousand miles from Lombard +Street. + +He does not sport a coronet and supporters upon his London plate +and carriages; but his country-house is emblazoned all over with +those heraldic decorations. He puts on an order when he goes +abroad, and is Count Bumpsher of the Roman States--which title he +purchased from the late Pope (through Prince Polonia the banker) +for a couple of thousand scudi. + +It is as good as a coronation to see him and Mrs. Bumpsher go to +Court. I wonder the carriage can hold them both. On those days +Mrs. Bumpsher holds her own drawing-room before her Majesty's; and +we are invited to come and see her sitting in state, upon the +largest sofa in her rooms. She has need of a stout one, I promise +you. Her very feathers must weigh something considerable. The +diamonds on her stomacher would embroider a full-sized carpet-bag. +She has rubies, ribbons, cameos, emeralds, gold serpents, opals, +and Valenciennes lace, as if she were an immense sample out of +Howell and James's shop. + +She took up with little Pinkney at Rome, where he made a charming +picture of her, representing her as about eighteen, with a cherub +in her lap, who has some liking to Bryanstone Bumpsher, her +enormous, vulgar son; now a cornet in the Blues, and anything but a +cherub, as those would say who saw him in his uniform jacket. + +I remember Pinkney when he was painting the picture, Bryanstone +being then a youth in what they call a skeleton suit (as if such a +pig of a child could ever have been dressed in anything resembling +a skeleton)--I remember, I say, Mrs. B. sitting to Pinkney in a +sort of Egerian costume, her boy by her side, whose head the artist +turned round and directed it towards a piece of gingerbread, which +he was to have at the end of the sitting. + +Pinkney, indeed, a painter!--a contemptible little humbug, a +parasite of the great! He has painted Mrs. Bumpsher younger every +year for these last ten years--and you see in the advertisements of +all her parties his odious little name stuck in at the end of the +list. I'm sure, for my part, I'd scorn to enter her doors, or be +the toady of any woman. + + +JOLLY NEWBOY, ESQ., M.P. + + +How different it is with the Newboys, now, where I have an entree +(having indeed had the honor in former days to give lessons to both +the ladies)--and where such a quack as Pinkney would never be +allowed to enter! A merrier house the whole quarter cannot +furnish. It is there you meet people of all ranks and degrees, not +only from our quarter, but from the rest of the town. It is there +that our great man, the Right Honorable Lord Comandine, came up and +spoke to me in so encouraging a manner that I hope to be invited to +one of his lordship's excellent dinners (of which I shall not fail +to give a very flattering description) before the season is over. +It is there you find yourself talking to statesmen, poets, and +artists--not sham poets like Bulbul, or quack artists like that +Pinkney--but to the best members of all society. It is there I +made this sketch, while Miss Chesterforth was singing a deep-toned +tragic ballad, and her mother scowling behind her. What a buzz and +clack and chatter there was in the room to be sure! When Miss +Chesterforth sings, everybody begins to talk. Hicks and old Fogy +were on Ireland: Bass was roaring into old Pump's ears (or into his +horn rather) about the Navigation Laws; I was engaged talking to +the charming Mrs. Short; while Charley Bonham (a mere prig, in whom +I am surprised that the women can see anything,) was pouring out +his fulsome rhapsodies in the ears of Diana White. Lovely, lovely +Diana White! were it not for three or four other engagements, I +know a heart that would suit you to a T. + +Newboy's I pronounce to be the jolliest house in the street. He +has only of late had a rush of prosperity, and turned Parliament +man; for his distant cousin, of the ancient house of Newboy of +----shire, dying, Fred--then making believe to practise at the bar, +and living with the utmost modesty in Gray's Inn Road--found +himself master of a fortune, and a great house in the country; of +which getting tired, as in the course of nature he should, he came +up to London, and took that fine mansion in our Gardens. He +represents Mumborough in Parliament, a seat which has been time out +of mind occupied by a Newboy. + +Though he does not speak, being a great deal too rich, sensible, +and lazy, he somehow occupies himself with reading blue-books, and +indeed talks a great deal too much good sense of late over his +dinner-table, where there is always a cover for the present writer. + +He falls asleep pretty assiduously too after that meal--a practice +which I can well pardon in him--for, between ourselves, his wife, +Maria Newboy, and his sister, Clarissa, are the loveliest and +kindest of their sex, and I would rather hear their innocent +prattle, and lively talk about their neighbors, than the best +wisdom from the wisest man that ever wore a beard. + +Like a wise and good man, he leaves the question of his household +entirely to the women. They like going to the play. They like +going to Greenwich. They like coming to a party at Bachelor's +hall. They are up to all sorts of fun, in a word; in which taste +the good-natured Newboy acquiesces, provided he is left to follow +his own. + +It was only on the 17th of the month, that, having had the honor to +dine at the house, when, after dinner, which took place at eight, +we left Newboy to his blue-books, and went up stairs and sang a +little to the guitar afterwards--it was only on the 17th December, +the night of Lady Sowerby's party, that the following dialogue took +place in the boudoir, whither Newboy, blue-books in hand, had +ascended. + +He was curled up with his House of Commons boots on his wife's arm- +chair, reading his eternal blue-books, when Mrs. N. entered from +her apartment, dressed for the evening. + +Mrs. N.--Frederick, won't you come? + +Mr. N.--Where? + +Mrs. N.--To Lady Sowerby's. + +Mr. N.--I'd rather go to the Black Hole in Calcutta. Besides, this +Sanitary Report is really the most interesting--[he begins to +read.] + +Mrs. N.--(piqued)--Well, Mr. Titmarsh will go with us. + +Mr. N.--Will he? I wish him joy. + +At this juncture Miss Clarissa Newboy enters in a pink paletot, +trimmed with swansdown--looking like an angel--and we exchange +glances of--what shall I say?--of sympathy on both parts, and +consummate rapture on mine. But this is by-play. + +Mrs. N.--Good night, Frederick. I think we shall be late. + +Mr. N.--You won't wake me, I dare say; and you don't expect a +public man to sit up. + +Mrs. N.--It's not you, it's the servants. Cocker sleeps very +heavily. The maids are best in bed, and are all ill with the +influenza. I say, Frederick dear, don't you think you had better +give me YOUR CHUBB KEY? + +This astonishing proposal, which violates every recognized law of +society--this demand which alters all the existing state of things-- +this fact of a woman asking for a door-key, struck me with a +terror which I cannot describe, and impressed me with the fact of +the vast progress of Our Street. The door-key! What would our +grandmothers, who dwelt in this place when it was a rustic suburb, +think of its condition now, when husbands stay at home, and wives +go abroad with the latchkey? + +The evening at Lady Sowerby's was the most delicious we have spent +for long, long days. + +Thus it will be seen that everybody of any consideration in Our +Street takes a line. Mrs. Minimy (34) takes the homoeopathic line, +and has soirees of doctors of that faith. Lady Pocklington takes +the capitalist line; and those stupid and splendid dinners of hers +are devoured by loan-contractors and railroad princes. Mrs. +Trimmer (38) comes out in the scientific line, and indulges us in +rational evenings, where history is the lightest subject admitted, +and geology and the sanitary condition of the metropolis form the +general themes of conversation. Mrs. Brumby plays finely on the +bassoon, and has evenings dedicated to Sebastian Bach, and +enlivened with Handel. At Mrs. Maskleyn's they are mad for +charades and theatricals. + +They performed last Christmas in a French piece, by Alexandre +Dumas, I believe--"La Duchesse de Montefiasco," of which I forget +the plot, but everybody was in love with everybody else's wife, +except the hero, Don Alonzo, who was ardently attached to the +Duchess, who turned out to be his grandmother. The piece was +translated by Lord Fiddle-faddle, Tom Bulbul being the Don Alonzo; +and Mrs. Roland Calidore (who never misses an opportunity of acting +in a piece in which she can let down her hair) was the Duchess. + + +ALONZO. + +You know how well he loves you, and you wonder +To see Alonzo suffer, Cunegunda?-- +Ask if the chamois suffer when they feel +Plunged in their panting sides the hunter's steel? +Or when the soaring heron or eagle proud, +Pierced by my shaft, comes tumbling from the cloud, +Ask if the royal birds no anguish know, +The victims of Alonzo's twanging bow? +Then ask him if he suffers--him who dies, +Pierced by the poisoned glance that glitters from your eyes! + [He staggers from the effect of the poison + +THE DUCHESS. + +Alonzo loves--Alonzo loves! and whom? +His grandmother! Oh, hide me, gracious tomb! + [Her Grace faints away. + + +Such acting as Tom Bulbul's I never saw. Tom lisps atrociously, +and uttered the passage, "You athk me if I thuffer," in the most +absurd way. Miss Clapperclaw says he acted pretty well, and that I +only joke about him because I am envious, and wanted to act a part +myself.--I envious indeed! + +But of all the assemblies, feastings, junketings, dejeunes, +soirees, conversaziones, dinner-parties, in Our Street, I know of +none pleasanter than the banquets at Tom Fairfax's; one of which +this enormous provision-consumer gives seven times a week. He +lives in one of the little houses of the old Waddilove Street +quarter, built long before Pocklington Square and Pocklington +Gardens and the Pocklington family itself had made their appearance +in this world. + +Tom, though he has a small income, and lives in a small house, yet +sits down one of a party of twelve to dinner every day of his life; +these twelve consisting of Mrs. Fairfax, the nine Misses Fairfax, +and Master Thomas Fairfax--the son and heir to twopence halfpenny a +year. + +It is awkward just now to go and beg pot-luck from such a family as +this; because, though a guest is always welcome, we are thirteen at +table--an unlucky number, it is said. This evil is only temporary, +and will be remedied presently, when the family will be thirteen +WITHOUT the occasional guest, to judge from all appearances. + +Early in the morning Mrs. Fairfax rises, and cuts bread and butter +from six o'clock till eight; during which time the nursery +operations upon the nine little graces are going on. If his wife +has to rise early to cut the bread and butter, I warrant Fairfax +must be up betimes to earn it. He is a clerk in a Government +office; to which duty he trudges daily, refusing even twopenny +omnibuses. Every time he goes to the shoemaker's he has to order +eleven pairs of shoes, and so can't afford to spare his own. He +teaches the children Latin every morning, and is already thinking +when Tom shall be inducted into that language. He works in his +garden for an hour before breakfast. His work over by three +o'clock, he tramps home at four, and exchanges his dapper coat for +his dressing-gown--a ragged but honorable garment. + +Which is the best, his old coat or Sir John's bran-new one? Which +is the most comfortable and becoming, Mrs. Fairfax's black velvet +gown (which she has worn at the Pocklington Square parties these +twelve years, and in which I protest she looks like a queen), or +that new robe which the milliner has just brought home to Mrs. +Bumpsher's, and into which she will squeeze herself on Christmas- +day? + +Miss Clapperclaw says that we are all so charmingly contented with +ourselves that not one of us would change with his neighbor; and +so, rich and poor, high and low, one person is about as happy as +another in Our Street. + + + + +DOCTOR BIRCH AND HIS YOUNG FRIENDS + +by MR. M. A. TITMARSH + + +THE DOCTOR AND HIS STAFF. + + +There is no need to say why I became assistant-master and professor +of the English and French languages, flower-painting, and the +German flute, in Doctor Birch's Academy, at Rodwell Regis. Good +folks may depend on this, that it was not for CHOICE that I left +lodgings near London, and a genteel society, for an under-master's +desk in that old school. I promise you the fare at the usher's +table, the getting up at five o'clock in the morning, the walking +out with little boys in the fields, (who used to play me tricks, +and never could be got to respect my awful and responsible +character as teacher in the school,) Miss Birch's vulgar insolence, +Jack Birch's glum condescension, and the poor old Doctor's +patronage, were not matters in themselves pleasurable: and that +that patronage and those dinners were sometimes cruel hard to +swallow. Never mind--my connection with the place is over now, +and I hope they have got a more efficient under-master. + +Jack Birch (Rev. J. Birch, of St. Neot's Hall, Oxford,) is partner +with his father the Doctor, and takes some of the classes. About +his Greek I can't say much; but I will construe him in Latin any +day. A more supercilious little prig, (giving himself airs, too, +about his cousin, Miss Raby, who lives with the Doctor,) a more +empty, pompous little coxcomb I never saw. His white neck-cloth +looked as if it choked him. He used to try and look over that +starch upon me and Prince the assistant, as if he were a couple of +footmen. He didn't do much business in the school; but occupied +his time in writing sanctified letters to the boys' parents, and in +composing dreary sermons to preach to them. + +The real master of the school is Prince; an Oxford man too: shy, +haughty, and learned; crammed with Greek and a quantity of useless +learning; uncommonly kind to the small boys; pitiless with the +fools and the braggarts; respected of all for his honesty, his +learning, his bravery, (for he hit out once in a boat-row in a way +which astonished the boys and the bargemen,) and for a latent power +about him, which all saw and confessed somehow. Jack Birch could +never look him in the face. Old Miss Z. dared not put off any of +HER airs upon him. Miss Rosa made him the lowest of curtsies. +Miss Raby said she was afraid of him. Good old Prince! we have sat +many a night smoking in the Doctor's harness-room, whither we +retired when our boys were gone to bed, and our cares and canes put +by. + +After Jack Birch had taken his degree at Oxford--a process which he +effected with great difficulty--this place, which used to be called +"Birch's," "Dr. Birch's Academy," and what not, became suddenly +"Archbishop Wigsby's College of Rodwell Regis." They took down the +old blue board with the gold letters, which has been used to mend +the pigsty since. Birch had a large school-room run up in the +Gothic taste, with statuettes, and a little belfry, and a bust of +Archbishop Wigsby in the middle of the school. He put the six +senior boys into caps and gowns, which had rather a good effect as +the lads sauntered down the street of the town, but which certainly +provoked the contempt and hostility of the bargemen; and so great +was his rage for academic costumes and ordinances, that he would +have put me myself into a lay gown, with red knots and fringes, but +that I flatly resisted, and said that a writing-master had no +business with such paraphernalia. + +By the way, I have forgotten to mention the Doctor himself. And +what shall I say of him? Well, he has a very crisp gown and bands, +a solemn aspect, a tremendous loud voice, and a grand air with the +boys' parents; whom he receives in a study covered round with the +best-bound books, which imposes upon many--upon the women +especially--and makes them fancy that this is a Doctor indeed. But +law bless you! He never reads the books, or opens one of them; +except that in which he keeps his bands--a Dugdale's "Monasticon," +which looks like a book, but is in reality a cupboard, where he has +his port, almond-cakes, and decanter of wine. He gets up his +classics with translations, or what the boys call cribs; they pass +wicked tricks upon him when he hears the forms. The elder wags go +to his study and ask him to help them in hard bits of Herodotus or +Thucydides: he says he will look over the passage, and flies for +refuge to Mr. Prince, or to the crib. + +He keeps the flogging department in his own hands; finding that his +son was too savage. He has awful brows and a big voice. But his +roar frightens nobody. It is only a lion's skin; or, so to say, a +muff. + +Little Mordant made a picture of him with large ears, like a well- +known domestic animal, and had his own justly boxed for the +caricature. The Doctor discovered him in the fact, and was in a +flaming rage, and threatened whipping at first; but in the course +of the day an opportune basket of game arriving from Mordant's +father, the Doctor became mollified, and has burnt the picture with +the ears. However, I have one wafered up in my desk by the hand of +the same little rascal. + + +THE COCK OF THE SCHOOL. + + +I am growing an old fellow, and have seen many great folks in the +course of my travels and time: Louis Philippe coming out of the +Tuileries; his Majesty the King of Prussia and the Reichsverweser +accolading each other at Cologne at my elbow; Admiral Sir Charles +Napier (in an omnibus once), the Duke of Wellington, the immortal +Goethe at Weimar, the late benevolent Pope Gregory XVI., and a +score more of the famous in this world--the whom whenever one looks +at, one has a mild shock of awe and tremor. I like this feeling +and decent fear and trembling with which a modest spirit salutes a +GREAT MAN. + +Well, I have seen generals capering on horseback at the head of +their crimson battalions; bishops sailing down cathedral aisles, +with downcast eyes, pressing their trencher caps to their hearts +with their fat white hands; college heads when her Majesty is on a +visit; the doctor in all his glory at the head of his school on +speech-day: a great sight and all great men these. I have never +met the late Mr. Thomas Cribb, but I have no doubt should have +regarded him with the same feeling of awe with which I look every +day at George Champion, the Cock of Dr. Birch's school. + +When, I say, I reflect as I go up and set him a sum, that he could +whop me in two minutes, double up Prince and the other assistant, +and pitch the Doctor out of window, I can't but think how great, +how generous, how magnanimous a creature this is, that sits quite +quiet and good-natured, and works his equation, and ponders through +his Greek play. He might take the school-room pillars and pull the +house down if he liked. He might close the door, and demolish +every one of us, like Antar the lover or Ibla; but he lets us live. +He never thrashes anybody without a cause; when woe betide the +tyrant or the sneak! + +I think that to be strong, and able to whop everybody--(not to do +it, mind you, but to feel that you were able to do it,)--would be +the greatest of all gifts. There is a serene good humor which +plays about George Champion's broad face, which shows the +consciousness of this power, and lights up his honest blue eyes +with a magnanimous calm. + +He is invictus. Even when a cub there was no beating this lion. +Six years ago the undaunted little warrior actually stood up to +Frank Davison,--(the Indian officer now--poor little Charley's +brother, whom Miss Raby nursed so affectionately,)--then seventeen +years old, and the Cock of Birch's. They were obliged to drag off +the boy, and Frank, with admiration and regard for him, prophesied +the great things he would do. Legends of combats are preserved +fondly in schools; they have stories of such at Rodwell Regis, +performed in the old Doctor's time, forty years ago. + +Champion's affair with the Young Tutbury Pet, who was down here in +training,--with Black the bargeman,--with the three head boys of +Doctor Wapshot's academy, whom he caught maltreating an outlying +day-boy of ours, &c.,--are known to all the Rodwell Regis men. He +was always victorious. He is modest and kind, like all great men. +He has a good, brave, honest understanding. He cannot make verses +like young Pinder, or read Greek like Wells the Prefect, who is a +perfect young abyss of learning, and knows enough, Prince says, to +furnish any six first-class men; but he does his work in a sound +downright way, and he is made to be the bravest of soldiers, the +best of country parsons, an honest English gentleman wherever he +may go. + +Old Champion's chief friend and attendant is Young Jack Hall, whom +he saved, when drowning, out of the Miller's Pool. The attachment +of the two is curious to witness. The smaller lad gambolling, +playing tricks round the bigger one, and perpetually making fun of +his protector. They are never far apart, and of holidays you may +meet them miles away from the school,--George sauntering heavily +down the lanes with his big stick, and little Jack larking with the +pretty girls in the cottage-windows. + +George has a boat on the river, in which, however, he commonly lies +smoking, whilst Jack sculls him. He does not play at cricket, +except when the school plays the county, or at Lord's in the +holidays. The boys can't stand his bowling, and when he hits, it +is like trying to catch a cannon-ball. I have seen him at tennis. +It is a splendid sight to behold the young fellow bounding over the +court with streaming yellow hair, like young Apollo in a flannel +jacket. + +The other head boys are Lawrence the captain, Bunce, famous chiefly +for his magnificent appetite, and Pitman, surnamed Roscius, for his +love of the drama. Add to these Swanky, called Macassar, from his +partiality to that condiment, and who has varnished boots, wears +white gloves on Sundays, and looks out for Miss Pinkerton's school +(transferred from Chiswick to Rodwell Regis, and conducted by the +nieces of the late Miss Barbara Pinkerton, the friend of our great +lexicographer, upon the principles approved by him, and practised +by that admirable woman,) as it passes into church. + +Representations have been made concerning Mr. Horace Swanky's +behavior; rumors have been uttered about notes in verse, conveyed +in three-cornered puffs, by Mrs. Ruggles, who serves Miss +Pinkerton's young ladies on Fridays,--and how Miss Didow, to whom +the tart and enclosure were addressed, tried to make away with +herself by swallowing a ball of cotton. But I pass over these +absurd reports, as likely to affect the reputation of an admirable +seminary conducted by irreproachable females. As they go into +church Miss P. driving in her flock of lambkins with the crook of +her parasol, how can it be helped if her forces and ours sometimes +collide, as the boys are on their way up to the organ-loft? And I +don't believe a word about the three-cornered puff, but rather that +it was the invention of that jealous Miss Birch, who is jealous of +Miss Raby, jealous of everybody who is good and handsome, and who +has HER OWN ENDS in view, or I am very much in error. + + +THE DEAR BROTHERS. + +A MELODRAMA IN SEVERAL ROUNDS. + + +THE DOCTOR. +MR. TIPPER, Uncle to the Masters Boxall. +BOXALL MAJOR, BOXALL MINOR, BROWN, JONES, SMITH, ROBINSON, + TIFFIN MINIMUS. + + +B. Go it, old Boxall! +J. Give it him, young Boxall! +R. Pitch into him, old Boxall! +S. Two to one on young Boxall! + + [Enter TIFFIN MINIMUS, running. + +Tiffin Minimus.--Boxalls! you're wanted. +(The Doctor to Mr. Tipper.)--Every boy in the school loves them, my +dear sir; your nephews are a credit to my establishment. They are +orderly, well-conducted, gentlemanlike boys. Let us enter and find +them at their studies. + + [Enter The DOCTOR and Mr. TIPPER. + +GRAND TABLEAU. + + +THE LITTLE SCHOOL-ROOM. + + +What they call the little school-room is a small room at the other +end of the great school; through which you go to the Doctor's +private house, and where Miss Raby sits with her pupils. She has a +half-dozen very small ones over whom she presides and teaches them +in her simple way, until they are big or learned enough to face the +great school-room. Many of them are in a hurry for promotion, the +graceless little simpletons, and know no more than their elders +when they are well off. + +She keeps the accounts, writes out the bills, superintends the +linen, and sews on the general shirt-buttons. Think of having such +a woman at home to sew on one's shirt-buttons! But peace, peace, +thou foolish heart! + +Miss Raby is the Doctor's niece. Her mother was a beauty (quite +unlike old Zoe therefore); and she married a pupil in the old +Doctor's time who was killed afterwards, a captain in the East +India service, at the siege of Bhurtpore. Hence a number of Indian +children come to the Doctor's; for Raby was very much liked, and +the uncle's kind reception of the orphan has been a good +speculation for the school-keeper. + +It is wonderful how brightly and gayly that little quick creature +does her duty. She is the first to rise, and the last to sleep, if +any business is to be done. She sees the other two women go off to +parties in the town without even so much as wishing to join them. +It is Cinderella, only contented to stay at home--content to bear +Zoe's scorn and to admit Rosa's superior charms,--and to do her +utmost to repay her uncle for his great kindness in housing her. + +So you see she works as much as three maid-servants for the wages +of one. She is as thankful when the Doctor gives her a new gown, +as if he had presented her with a fortune; laughs at his stories +most good-humoredly, listens to Zoe's scolding most meekly, admires +Rosa with all her heart, and only goes out of the way when Jack +Birch shows his sallow face: for she can't bear him, and always +finds work when he comes near. + +How different she is when some folks approach her! I won't be +presumptuous; but I think, I think, I have made a not unfavorable +impression in some quarters. However, let us be mum on this +subject. I like to see her, because she always looks good-humored; +because she is always kind, because she is always modest, because +she is fond of those poor little brats,--orphans some of them-- +because she is rather pretty, I dare say, or because I think so, +which comes to the same thing. + +Though she is kind to all, it must be owned she shows the most +gross favoritism towards the amiable children. She brings them +cakes from dessert, and regales them with Zoe's preserves; spends +many of her little shillings in presents for her favorites, and +will tell them stories by the hour. She has one very sad story +about a little boy, who died long ago: the younger children are +never weary of hearing about him; and Miss Raby has shown to one of +them a lock of the little chap's hair, which she keeps in her work- +box to this day. + + +A HOPELESS CASE. + + +Let us, people who are so uncommonly clever and learned, have a +great tenderness and pity for the poor folks who are not endowed +with the prodigious talents which we have. I have always had a +regard for dunces;--those of my own school-days were amongst the +pleasantest of the fellows, and have turned out by no means the +dullest in life; whereas many a youth who could turn off Latin +hexameters by the yard, and construe Greek quite glibly, is no +better than a feeble prig now, with not a pennyworth more brains +than were in his head before his beard grew. + +Those poor dunces! Talk of being the last man, ah! what a pang it +must be to be the last boy--huge, misshapen, fourteen years of age, +and "taken up" by a chap who is but six years old, and can't speak +quite plain yet! + +Master Hulker is in that condition at Birch's. He is the most +honest, kind, active, plucky, generous creature. He can do many +things better than most boys. He can go up a tree, pump, play at +cricket, dive and swim perfectly--he can eat twice as much as +almost any lady (as Miss Birch well knows), he has a pretty talent +at carving figures with his hack-knife, he makes and paints little +coaches, he can take a watch to pieces and put it together again. +He can do everything but learn his lesson; and then he sticks at +the bottom of the school hopeless. As the little boys are drafted +in from Miss Raby's class, (it is true she is one of the best +instructresses in the world,) they enter and hop over poor Hulker. +He would be handed over to the governess, only he is too big. +Sometimes, I used to think that this desperate stupidity was a +stratagem of the poor rascal's, and that he shammed dulness, so +that he might be degraded into Miss Raby's class--if she would +teach ME, I know, before George, I would put on a pinafore and a +little jacket--but no, it is a natural incapacity for the Latin +Grammar. + +If you could see his grammar, it is a perfect curiosity of dog's +ears. The leaves and cover are all curled and ragged. Many of the +pages are worn away with the rubbing of his elbows as he sits +poring over the hopeless volume, with the blows of his fists as he +thumps it madly, or with the poor fellow's tears. You see him +wiping them away with the back of his hand, as he tries and tries, +and can't do it. + +When I think of that Latin Grammar, and that infernal As in +praesenti, and of other things which I was made to learn in my +youth; upon my conscience, I am surprised that we ever survived it. +When one thinks of the boys who have been caned because they could +not master that intolerable jargon! Good Lord, what a pitiful +chorus these poor little creatures send up! Be gentle with them, +ye schoolmasters, and only whop those who WON'T learn. + +The Doctor has operated upon Hulker (between ourselves), but the +boy was so little affected you would have thought he had taken +chloroform. Birch is weary of whipping now, and leaves the boy to +go his own gait. Prince, when he hears the lesson, and who cannot +help making fun of a fool, adopts the sarcastic manner with Master +Hulker, and says, "Mr. Hulker, may I take the liberty to inquire if +your brilliant intellect has enabled you to perceive the difference +between those words which grammarians have defined as substantive +and adjective nouns?--if not, perhaps Mr. Ferdinand Timmins will +instruct you." And Timmins hops over Hulker's head. + +I wish Prince would leave off girding at the poor lad. He is a +boy, and his mother is a widow woman, who loves him with all her +might. There is a famous sneer about the suckling of fools and the +chronicling of small beer; but remember it was a rascal who uttered +it. + + +A WORD ABOUT MISS BIRCH. + + +"The gentlemen, and especially the younger and more tender of these +pupils, will have the advantage of the constant superintendence and +affectionate care of Miss Zoe Birch, sister of the principal: whose +clearest aim will be to supply (as far as may be) the absent +maternal friend."--Prospectus of Rodwell Regis School. + +This is all very well in the Doctor's prospectus, and Miss Zoe +Birch--(a pretty blossom it is, fifty-five years old, during two +score of which she has dosed herself with pills; with a nose as red +and a face as sour as a crab-apple)--this is all mighty well in a +prospectus. But I should like to know who would take Miss Zoe for +a mother, or would have her for one? + +The only persons in the house who are not afraid of her are Miss +Rosa and I--no, I am afraid of her, though I DO know the story +about the French usher in 1830--but all the rest tremble before the +woman, from the Doctor down to poor Francis the knife-boy, whom she +bullies into his miserable blacking-hole. + +The Doctor is a pompous and outwardly severe man--but inwardly weak +and easy; loving a joke and a glass of port-wine. I get on with +him, therefore, much better than Mr. Prince, who scorns him for an +ass, and under whose keen eyes the worthy Doctor writhes like a +convicted impostor; and many a sunshiny afternoon would he have +said, "Mr. T., sir, shall we try another glass of that yellow +sealed wine which you seem to like?" (and which he likes even +better than I do,) had not the old harridan of a Zoe been down upon +us, and insisted on turning me out with her abominable weak coffee. +She a mother indeed! A sour-milk generation she would have nursed. +She is always croaking, scolding, bullying--yowling at the +housemaids, snarling at Miss Raby, bowwowing after the little boys, +barking after the big ones. She knows how much every boy eats to +an ounce; and her delight is to ply with fat the little ones who +can't bear it, and with raw meat those who hate underdone. It was +she who caused the Doctor to be eaten out three times; and nearly +created a rebellion in the school because she insisted on his +flogging Goliath Longman. + +The only time that woman is happy is when she comes in of a morning +to the little boys' dormitories with a cup of hot Epsom salts, and +a sippet of bread. Boo!--the very notion makes me quiver. She +stands over them. I saw her do it to young Byles only a few days +since; and her presence makes the abomination doubly abominable. + +As for attending them in real illness, do you suppose that she +would watch a single night for any one of them? Not she. When +poor little Charley Davison (that child a lock of whose soft hair I +have said how Miss Raby still keeps) lay ill of scarlet fever in +the holidays--for the Colonel, the father of these boys, was in +India--it was Anne Raby who tended the child, who watched him all +through the fever, who never left him while it lasted, or until she +had closed the little eyes that were never to brighten or moisten +more. Anny watched and deplored him; but it was Miss Birch who +wrote the letter announcing his demise, and got the gold chain and +locket which the Colonel ordered as a memento of his gratitude. It +was through a row with Miss Birch that Frank Davison ran away. I +promise you that after he joined his regiment in India, the +Ahmednuggur Irregulars, which his gallant father commands, there +came over no more annual shawls and presents to Dr. and Miss Birch; +and that if she fancied the Colonel was coming home to marry her +(on account of her tenderness to his motherless children, which he +was always writing about), THAT notion was very soon given up. But +these affairs are of early date, seven years back, and I only heard +of them in a very confused manner from Miss Raby, who was a girl, +and had just come to Rodwell Regis. She is always very much moved +when she speaks about those boys; which is but seldom. I take it +the death of the little one still grieves her tender heart. + +Yes, it is Miss Birch, who has turned away seventeen ushers and +second-masters in eleven years, and half as many French masters, I +suppose, since the departure of her FAVORITE, M. Grinche, with her +gold watch, &c.; but this is only surmise--that is, from hearsay, +and from Miss Rosa taunting her aunt, as she does sometimes, in her +graceful way: but besides this, I have another way of keeping her +in order. + +Whenever she is particularly odious or insolent to Miss Raby, I +have but to introduce raspberry jam into the conversation, and the +woman holds her tongue. She will understand me. I need not say +more. + +NOTE, 12th December. I MAY speak now. I have left the place and +don't mind. I say then at once, and without caring twopence for +the consequences, that I saw this woman, this MOTHER of the boys, +EATING JAM WITH A SPOON OUT OF MASTER WIGGINS'S TRUNK IN THE BOX- +ROOM: and of this I am ready to take an affidavit any day. + + +A TRAGEDY. + +THE DRAMA OUGHT TO BE REPRESENTED IN ABOUT SIX ACTS. + + +[The school is hushed. LAWRENCE the Prefect, and Custos of the +rods, is marching after the DOCTOR into the operating-room. MASTER +BACKHOUSE is about to follow.] + + +Master Backhouse.--It's all very well, but you see if I don't pay +you out after school--you sneak you! + +Master Lurcher.--If you do I'll tell again. + [Exit BACKHOUSE. + +[The rod is heard from the adjoining apartment. Hwish--hwish-- +hwish--hwish--hwish--hwish--hwish! + [Re-enter BACKHOUSE. + + +BRIGGS IN LUCK. + + +Enter the Knife-boy.--Hamper for Briggses! +Master Brown.--Hurray, Tom Briggs! I'll lend you my knife. + + +If this story does not carry its own moral, what fable does, I +wonder? Before the arrival of that hamper, Master Briggs was in no +better repute than any other young gentleman of the lower school; +and in fact I had occasion myself, only lately, to correct Master +Brown for kicking his friend's shins during the writing-lesson. +But how this basket, directed by his mother's housekeeper and +marked "Glass with care," (whence I conclude that it contains some +jam and some bottles of wine, probably, as well as the usual cake +and game-pie, and half a sovereign for the elder Master B., and +five new shillings for Master Decimus Briggs)--how, I say, the +arrival of this basket alters all Master Briggs's circumstances in +life, and the estimation in which many persons regard him! + +If he is a good-hearted boy, as I have reason to think, the very +first thing he will do, before inspecting the contents of the +hamper, or cutting into them with the knife which Master Brown has +so considerately lent him, will be to read over the letter from +home which lies on the top of the parcel. He does so, as I remark +to Miss Raby (for whom I happened to be mending pens when the +little circumstance arose), with a flushed face and winking eyes. +Look how the other boys are peering into the basket as he reads.--I +say to her, "Isn't it a pretty picture?" Part of the letter is in +a very large hand. This is from his little sister. And I would +wager that she netted the little purse which he has just taken out +of it, and which Master Lynx is eying. + +"You are a droll man, and remark all sorts of queer things," Miss +Raby says, smiling, and plying her swift needle and fingers as +quick as possible. + +"I am glad we are both on the spot, and that the little fellow lies +under our guns as it were, and so is protected from some such +brutal school-pirate as young Duval for instance, who would rob +him, probably, of some of those good things; good in themselves, +and better because fresh from home. See, there is a pie as I said, +and which I dare say is better than those which are served at our +table (but you never take any notice of such kind of things, Miss +Raby), a cake of course, a bottle of currant-wine, jam-pots, and no +end of pears in the straw. With their money little Briggs will be +able to pay the tick which that imprudent child has run up with +Mrs. Ruggles; and I shall let Briggs Major pay for the pencil-case +which Bullock sold to him.--It will be a lesson to the young +prodigal for the future. But, I say, what a change there will be +in his life for some time to come, and at least until his present +wealth is spent! The boys who bully him will mollify towards him, +and accept his pie and sweetmeats. They will have feasts in the +bedroom; and that wine will taste more delicious to them than the +best out of the Doctor's cellar. The cronies will be invited. +Young Master Wagg will tell his most dreadful story and sing his +best song for a slice of that pie. What a jolly night they will +have! When we go the rounds at night, Mr. Prince and I will take +care to make a noise before we come to Briggs's room, so that the +boys may have time to put the light out, to push the things away, +and to scud into bed. Doctor Spry may be put in requisition the +next morning." + +"Nonsense! you absurd creature," cries out Miss Raby, laughing; and +I lay down the twelfth pen very nicely mended. + +"Yes; after luxury comes the doctor, I say; after extravagance a +hole in the breeches pocket. To judge from his disposition, Briggs +Major will not be much better off a couple of days hence than he is +now; and, if I am not mistaken, will end life a poor man. Brown +will be kicking his shins before a week is over, depend upon it. +There are boys and men of all sorts, Miss R.--There are selfish +sneaks who hoard until the store they daren't use grows mouldy-- +there are spendthrifts who fling away, parasites who flatter and +lick its shoes, and snarling curs who hate and envy, good fortune." + +I put down the last of the pens, brushing away with it the quill- +chips from her desk first, and she looked at me with a kind, +wondering face. I brushed them away, clicked the penknife into my +pocket, made her a bow, and walked off--for the bell was ringing +for school. + + +A YOUNG FELLOW WHO IS PRETTY SURE TO SUCCEED. + + +If Master Briggs is destined in all probability to be a poor man, +the chances are that Mr. Bullock will have a very different lot, he +is a son of a partner of the eminent banking firm of Bullock and +Hulker, Lombard street, and very high in the upper school--quite +out of my jurisdiction, consequently. + +He writes the most beautiful current-hand ever seen; and the way in +which he mastered arithmetic (going away into recondite and +wonderful rules in the Tutor's Assistant, which some masters even +dare not approach,) is described by the Doctor in terms of +admiration. He is Mr. Prince's best algebra pupil; and a very fair +classic, too; doing everything well for which he has a mind. + +He does not busy himself with the sports of his comrades, and holds +a cricket-bat no better than Miss Raby would. He employs the play- +hours in improving his mind, and reading the newspaper; he is a +profound politician, and, it must be owned, on the liberal side. +The elder boys despise him rather; and when champion Major passes, +he turns his head, and looks down. I don't like the expression of +Bullock's narrow green eyes, as they follow the elder Champion, who +does not seem to know or care how much the other hates him. + +No. Mr. Bullock, though perhaps the cleverest and most +accomplished boy in the school, associates with the quite little +boys when he is minded for society. To these he is quite affable, +courteous, and winning. He never fagged or thrashed one of them. +He has done the verses and corrected the exercises of many, and +many is the little lad to whom he has lent a little money. + +It is true he charges at the rate of a penny a week for every +sixpence lent out; but many a fellow to whom tarts are a present +necessity is happy to pay this interest for the loan. These +transactions are kept secret. Mr. Bullock, in rather a whining +tone, when he takes Master Green aside and does the requisite +business for him, says, "You know you'll go and talk about it +everywhere. I don't want to lend you the money, I want to buy +something with it. It's only to oblige you; and yet I am sure you +will go and make fun of me." Whereon, of course, Green, eager for +the money, vows solemnly that the transaction shall be confidential, +and only speaks when the payment of the interest becomes oppressive. + +Thus it is that Mr. Bullock's practices are at all known. At a +very early period, indeed, his commercial genius manifested itself: +and by happy speculations in toffey; by composing a sweet drink +made of stick-liquorice and brown sugar, and selling it at a profit +to the younger children; by purchasing a series of novels, which he +let out at an adequate remuneration; by doing boys' exercises for a +penny, and other processes, he showed the bent of his mind. At the +end of the half-year he always went home richer than when he +arrived at school, with his purse full of money. + +Nobody knows how much he brought: but the accounts are fabulous. +Twenty, thirty, fifty--it is impossible to say how many sovereigns. +When joked about his money, he turns pale and swears he has not a +shilling: whereas he has had a banker's account ever since he was +thirteen. + +At the present moment he is employed in negotiating the sale of a +knife with Master Green, and is pointing out to the latter the +beauty of the six blades, and that he need not pay until after the +holidays. + +Champion Major has sworn that he will break every bone in his skin +the next time that he cheats a little boy, and is bearing down upon +him. Let us come away. It is frightful to see that big peaceful +clever coward moaning under well-deserved blows and whining for +mercy. + + +DUVAL THE PIRATE. + + +JONES MINIMUS passes, laden with tarts. + +Duval.--Hullo! you small boy with the tarts! Come here, sir. +Jones Minimus.--Please, Duval, they ain't mine. +Duval.--Oh, you abominable young story-teller. + [He confiscates the goods. + + +I think I like young Duval's mode of levying contributions better +than Bullock's. The former's, at least, has the merit of more +candor. Duval is the pirate of Birch's, and lies in wait for small +boys laden with money or provender. He scents plunder from afar +off: and pounces out on it. Woe betide the little fellow when +Duval boards him! + +There was a youth here whose money I used to keep, as he was of an +extravagant and weak taste; and I doled it out to him in weekly +shillings, sufficient for the purchase of the necessary tarts. +This boy came to me one day for half a sovereign, for a very +particular purpose, he said. I afterwards found he wanted to lend +the money to Duval. + +The young ogre burst out laughing, when in a great wrath and fury I +ordered him to refund to the little boy: and proposed a bill of +exchange at three months. It is true Duval's father does not pay +the Doctor, and the lad never has a shilling, save that which he +levies; and though he is always bragging about the splendor of +Freenystown, Co. Cork, and the fox-hounds his father keeps, and the +claret they drink there--there comes no remittance from Castle +Freeny in these bad times to the honest Doctor; who is a kindly man +enough, and never yet turned an insolvent boy out of doors. + + +THE DORMITORIES. + + +MASTER HEWLETT AND MASTER NIGHTINGALE + +(Rather a cold winter night.) + +Hewlett (flinging a shoe at Master Nightingale's bed, with which he +hits that young gentleman).--Hullo, you! Get up and bring me that +shoe! + +Nightingale.--Yes, Hewlett. (He gets up.) + +Hewlett.--Don't drop it, and be very careful of it, sir. + +Nightingale.--Yes, Hewlett. + +Hewlett.--Silence in the dormitory! Any boy who opens his mouth, +I'll murder him. Now, sir, are not you the boy what can sing? + +Nightingale.--Yes, Hewlett. + +Hewlett.--Chant, then, till I go to sleep, and if I wake when you +stop, you'll have this at your head. + +[Master HEWLETT lays his Bluchers on the bed, ready to shy at +Master Nightingale's head in the case contemplated.] + +Nightingale (timidly).--Please, Hewlett? + +Hewlett.--Well, sir? + +Nightingale.--May I put on my trousers, please? + +Hewlett.--No, sir. Go on, or I'll-- + +Nightingale.-- + + "Through pleasures and palaces + Though we may roam, + Be it ever so humble + There's no place like home." + + +A CAPTURE AND A RESCUE. + + +My young friend, Patrick Champion, George's younger brother, is a +late arrival among us; has much of the family quality and good +nature; is not in the least a tyrant to the small boys, but is as +eager as Amadis to fight. He is boxing his way up the school, +emulating his great brother. He fixes his eye on a boy above him +in strength or size, and you hear somehow that a difference has +arisen between them at football, and they have their coats off +presently. He has thrashed himself over the heads of many youths +in this manner: for instance, if Champion can lick Dobson, who can +thrash Hobson, how much more, then, can he thrash Hobson? Thus he +works up and establishes his position in the school. Nor does Mr. +Prince think it advisable that we ushers should walk much in the +way when these little differences are being settled, unless there +is some gross disparity, or danger is apprehended. + +For instance, I own to having seen this row as I was shaving at my +bedroom window. I did not hasten down to prevent its consequences. +Fogle had confiscated a top, the property of Snivins; the which, as +the little wretch was always pegging it at my toes, I did not +regret. Snivins whimpered; and young Champion came up, lusting for +battle. Directly he made out Fogle, he steered for him, pulling up +his coat-sleeves, and clearing for action. + +"Who spoke to YOU, young Champion?" Fogle said, and he flung down +the top to Master Snivins. I knew there would be no fight; and +perhaps Champion, too, was disappointed, + + +THE GARDEN, + +WHERE THE PARLOR-BOARDERS GO. + + +Noblemen have been rather scarce at Birch's--but the heir of a +great Prince has been living with the Doctor for some years.--He is +Lord George Gaunt's eldest son, the noble Plantagenet Gaunt Gaunt, +and nephew of the Most Honorable the Marquis of Steyne. + +They are very proud of him at the Doctor's--and the two Misses and +Papa, whenever a stranger comes down whom they want to dazzle, are +pretty sure to bring Lord Steyne into the conversation, mention the +last party at Gaunt House, and cursorily to remark that they have +with them a young friend who will be, in all human probability, +Marquis of Steyne and Earl of Gaunt, &c. + +Plantagenet does not care much about these future honors: provided +he can get some brown sugar on his bread-and-butter, or sit with +three chairs and play at coach-and-horses quite quietly by himself, +he is tolerably happy. He saunters in and out of school when he +likes, and looks at the masters and other boys with a listless +grin. He used to be taken to church, but he laughed and talked in +odd places, so they are forced to leave him at home now. He will +sit with a bit of string and play cat's-cradle for many hours. He +likes to go and join the very small children at their games. Some +are frightened at him; but they soon cease to fear, and order him +about. I have seen him go and fetch tarts from Mrs. Ruggles for a +boy of eight years old; and cry bitterly if he did not get a piece. +He cannot speak quite plain, but very nearly; and is not more, I +suppose, than three-and-twenty. + +Of course at home they know his age, though they never come and see +him. But they forget that Miss Rosa Birch is no longer a young +chit as she was ten years ago, when Gaunt was brought to the +school. On the contrary, she has had no small experience in the +tender passion, and is at this moment smitten with a disinterested +affection for Plantagenet Gaunt. + +Next to a little doll with a burnt nose, which he hides away in +cunning places, Mr. Gaunt is very fond of Miss Rosa too. What a +pretty match it would make! and how pleased they would be at Gaunt +House, if the grandson and heir of the great Marquis of Steyne, the +descendant of a hundred Gaunts and Tudors, should marry Miss Birch, +thc schoolmaster's daughter! It is true she has the sense on her +side, and poor Plantagenet is only an idiot: but there he is, a +zany, with such expectations and such a pedigree! + +If Miss Rosa would run away with Mr. Gaunt, she would leave off +bullying her cousin, Miss Anny Raby. Shall I put her up to the +notion, and offer to lend her the money to run away? Mr. Gaunt is +not allowed money. He had some once, but Bullock took him into a +corner, and got it from him. He has a moderate tick opened at a +tart-woman's. He stops at Rodwell Regis through the year: school- +time and holiday-time, it is all the same to him. Nobody asks +about him, or thinks about him, save twice a year, when the Doctor +goes to Gaunt House, and gets the amount of his bills, and a glass +of wine in the steward's room. + +And yet you see somehow that he is a gentleman. His manner is +different to that of the owners of that coarse table and parlor at +which he is a boarder (I do not speak of Miss R. of course, for HER +manners are as good as those of a duchess). When he caught Miss +Rosa boxing little Fiddes's ears, his face grew red, and he broke +into a fierce inarticulate rage. After that, and for some days, he +used to shrink from her; but they are reconciled now. I saw them +this afternoon in the garden where only the parlor-boarders walk. +He was playful, and touched her with his stick. She raised her +handsome eyes in surprise, and smiled on him very kindly. + +The thing was so clear, that I thought it my duty to speak to old +Zoe about it. The wicked old catamaran told me she wished that +some people would mind their own business, and hold their tongues-- +that some persons were paid to teach writing, and not to tell tales +and make mischief: and I have since been thinking whether I ought +to communicate with the Doctor. + + +THE OLD PUPIL. + + +As I came into the playgrounds this morning, I saw a dashing young +fellow, with a tanned face and a blond moustache, who was walking +up and down the green arm-in-arm with Champion Major, and followed +by a little crowd of boys. + +They were talking of old times evidently. "What had become of +Irvine and Smith?"--"Where was Bill Harris and Jones: not Squinny +Jones, but Cocky Jones?"--and so forth. The gentleman was no +stranger; he was an old pupil evidently, come to see if any of his +old comrades remained, and revisit the cari luoghi of his youth. + +Champion was evidently proud of his arm-fellow, he espied his +brother, young Champion, and introduced him. "Come here, sir," he +called. "The young 'un wasn't here in your time, Davison." "Pat, +sir," said he, "this is Captain Davison, one of Birch's boys. Ask +him who was among the first in the lines at Sobraon?" + +Pat's face kindled up as he looked Davison full in the face, and +held out his hand. Old Champion and Davison both blushed. The +infantry set up a "Hurray, hurray, hurray," Champion leading, and +waving his wide-awake. I protest that the scene did one good to +witness. Here was the hero and cock of the school come back to see +his old haunts and cronies. He had always remembered them. Since +he had seen them last, he had faced death and achieved honor. But +for my dignity I would have shied up my hat too. + +With a resolute step, and his arm still linked in Champion's, +Captain Davison now advanced, followed by a wake of little boys, to +that corner of the green where Mrs. Ruggles has her tart stand. + +"Hullo, Mother Ruggles! don't you remember me?" he said, and shook +her by the hand. + +"Lor, if it ain't Davison Major!" she said. "Well, Davison Major, +you owe me fourpence for two sausage-rolls from when you went +away." + +Davison laughed, and all the little crew of boys set up a similar +chorus. + +"I buy the whole shop," he said. "Now, young 'uns--eat away!" + +Then there was such a "Hurray! hurray!" as surpassed the former +cheer in loudness. Everybody engaged in it except Piggy Duff, who +made an instant dash at the three-cornered puffs, but was stopped +by Champion, who said there should be a fair distribution. And so +there was, and no one lacked, neither of raspberry, open tarts, nor +of mellifluous bulls'-eyes, nor of polonies, beautiful to the sight +and taste. + +The hurraying brought out the old Doctor himself, who put his hand +up to his spectacles and started when he saw the old pupil. Each +blushed when he recognized the other; for seven years ago they had +parted not good friends. + +"What--Davison?" the Doctor said, with a tremulous voice. "God +bless you, my dear fellow!"--and they shook hands. "A half +holiday, of course, boys," he added, and there was another hurray: +there was to be no end to the cheering that day. + +"How's--how's the family, sir?" Captain Davison asked. + +"Come in and see. Rosa's grown quite a lady. Dine with us, of +course. Champion Major, come to dinner at five. Mr. Titmarsh, the +pleasure of your company?" The Doctor swung open the garden gate: +the old master and pupil entered the house reconciled. + +I thought I would first peep into Miss Raby's room, and tell her +of this event. She was working away at her linen there, as usual +quiet and cheerful. + +"You should put up," I said with a smile; "the Doctor has given us +a half-holiday." + +"I never have holidays," Miss Raby replied. + +Then I told her of the scene I had just witnessed, of the arrival +of the old pupil, the purchase of the tarts, the proclamation of +the holiday, and the shouts of the boys of "Hurray, Davison!" + +"WHO is it?" cried out Miss Raby, starting and turning as white as +a sheet. + +I told her it was Captain Davison from India; and described the +appearance and behavior of the Captain. When I had finished +speaking, she asked me to go and get her a glass of water; she felt +unwell. But she was gone when I came back with the water. + + +I know all now. After sitting for a quarter of an hour with the +Doctor, who attributed his guest's uneasiness no doubt to his +desire to see Miss Rosa Birch, Davison started up and said he +wanted to see Miss Raby. "You remember, sir, how kind she was to +my little brother, sir?" he said. Whereupon the Doctor, with a +look of surprise, that anybody should want to see Miss Raby, said +she was in the little school-room; whither the Captain went, +knowing the way from old times. + +A few minutes afterwards, Miss B. and Miss Z. returned from a drive +with Plantagenet Gaunt in their one-horse fly, and being informed +of Davison's arrival, and that he was closeted with Miss Raby in +the little school-room, of course made for that apartment at once. +I was coming into it from the other door. I wanted to know whether +she had drunk the water. + +This is what both parties saw. The two were in this very attitude. +"Well, upon my word!" cries out Miss Zoe; but Davison did not let +go his hold; and Miss Raby's head only sank down on his hand. + +"You must get another governess, sir, for the little boys," Frank +Davison said to the Doctor. "Anny Raby has promised to come with +me." + +You may suppose I shut to the door on my side. And when I returned +to the little school-room, it was black and empty. Everybody was +gone. I could hear the boys shouting at play in the green outside. +The glass of water was on the table where I had placed it. I took +it and drank it myself, to the health of Anny Raby and her husband. +It was rather a choker. + +But of course I wasn't going to stop on at Birch's. When his young +friends reassemble on the 1st of February next, they will have two +new masters. Prince resigned too, and is at present living with me +at my old lodgings at Mrs. Cammysole's. If any nobleman or +gentleman wants a private tutor for his son, a note to the Rev. F. +Prince will find him there. + +Miss Clapperclaw says we are both a couple of old fools; and that +she knew when I set off last year to Rodwell Regis, after meeting +the two young ladies at a party at General Champion's house in our +street, that I was going on a goose's errand. I shall dine there +on Christmas-day; and so I wish a merry Christmas to all young and +old boys. + + +EPILOGUE. + + +The play is done; the curtain drops, +Slow falling, to the prompter's bell: +A moment yet the actor stops, +And looks around, to say farewell. +It is an irksome word and task; +And when he's laughed and said his say, +He shows, as he removes the mask, +A face that's anything but gay. + +One word, ere yet the evening ends, +Let's close it with a parting rhyme, +And pledge a hand to all young friends, +As fits the merry Christmas time. +On life's wide scene you, too, have parts, +That Fate ere long shall bid you play; +Good night! with honest gentle hearts +A kindly greeting go alway! + +Good night! I'd say the griefs, the joys, +Just hinted in this mimic page, +The triumphs and defeats of boys, +Are but repeated in our age. +I'd say, your woes were not less keen, +Your hopes more vain, than those of men, +Your pangs or pleasures of fifteen, +At forty-five played o'er again. + +I'd say, we suffer and we strive +Not less nor more as men than boys; +With grizzled beards at forty-five, +As erst at twelve, in corduroys. +And if, in time of sacred youth, +We learned at home to love and pray, +Pray heaven, that early love and truth +May never wholly pass away. + +And in the world, as in the school, +I'd say, how fate may change and shift; +The prize be sometimes with the fool, +The race not always to the swift. +The strong may yield, the good may fall, +The great man be a vulgar clown, +The knave be lifted over all, +The kind cast pitilessly down. + +Who knows the inscrutable design? +Blessed be He who took and gave: +Why should your mother, Charles, not mine, +Be weeping at her darling's grave?* +We bow to heaven that will'd it so, +That darkly rules the fate of all, +That sends the respite or the blow, +That's free to give or to recall. + +This crowns his feast with wine and wit: +Who brought him to that mirth and state? +His betters, see, below him sit, +Or hunger hopeless at the gate. +Who bade the mud from Dives' Wheel +To spurn the rags of Lazarus? +Come, brother, in that dust we'll kneel, +Confessing heaven that ruled it thus. + +So each shall mourn in life's advance, +Dear hopes, dear friends, untimely killed; +Shall grieve for many a forfeit chance, +A longing passion unfulfilled. +Amen: whatever Fate be sent,-- +Pray God the heart may kindly glow, +Although the head with cares be bent, +And whitened with the winter snow. + +Come wealth or want, come good or ill, +Let young and old accept their part, +And bow before the Awful Will, +And bear it with an honest heart. +Who misses, or who wins the prize? +Go, lose or conquer as you can. +But if you fail, or if you rise, +Be each, pray God, a gentleman, + +A gentleman, or old or young: +(Bear kindly with my humble lays,) +The sacred chorus first was sung +Upon the first of Christmas days. +The shepherds heard it overhead-- +The joyful angels raised it then: +Glory to heaven on high, it said, +And peace on earth to gentle men. + +My song, save this, is little worth; +I lay the weary pen aside, +And wish you health, and love, and mirth, +As fits the solemn Christmas tide. +As fits the holy Christmas birth, +Be this, good friends, our carol still-- +Be peace on earth, be peace on earth, +To men of gentle will. + + +* C. B., ob. Dec. 1843, aet. 42. + + + + +THE KICKLEBURYS ON THE RHINE. + +BY MR. M. A. TITMARSH + + +PREFACE TO THE SECOND EDITION: + +BEING AN ESSAY ON THUNDER AND SMALL BEER. + + +Any reader who may have a fancy to purchase a copy of this present +edition of the "History of the Kickleburys Abroad," had best be +warned in time, that the Times newspaper does not approve of the +work, and has but a bad opinion both of the author and his readers. +Nothing can be fairer than this statement: if you happen to take up +the poor little volume at a railroad station, and read this +sentence, lay the book down, and buy something else. You are +warned. What more can the author say? If after this you WILL +buy,--amen! pay your money, take your book, and fall to. Between +ourselves, honest reader, it is no very strong potation which the +present purveyor offers to you. It will not trouble your head much +in the drinking. It was intended for that sort of negus which is +offered at Christmas parties and of which ladies and children may +partake with refreshment and cheerfulness. Last year I tried a +brew which was old, bitter, and strong; and scarce any one would +drink it. This year we send round a milder tap, and it is liked by +customers: though the critics (who like strong ale, the rogues!) +turn up their noses. In heaven's name, Mr. Smith, serve round the +liquor to the gentle-folks. Pray, dear madam, another glass; it is +Christmas time, it will do you no harm. It is not intended to keep +long, this sort of drink. (Come, froth up, Mr. Publisher, and pass +quickly round!) And as for the professional gentlemen, we must get +a stronger sort for THEM some day. + +The Times' gentleman (a very difficult gent to please) is the +loudest and noisiest of all, and has made more hideous faces over +the refreshment offered to him than any other critic. There is no +use shirking this statement! when a man has been abused in the +Times, he can't hide it, any more than he could hide the knowledge +of his having been committed to prison by Mr. Henry, or publicly +caned in Pall Mall. You see it in your friends' eyes when they +meet you. They know it. They have chuckled over it to a man. +They whisper about it at the club, and look over the paper at you. +My next-door neighbor came to see me this morning, and I saw by his +face that he had the whole story pat. "Hem!" says he, "well, I +HAVE heard of it; and the fact is, they were talking about you at +dinner last night, and mentioning that the Times had--ahem!-- +'walked into you.'" + +"My good M----" I say--and M---- will corroborate, if need be, the +statement I make here--"here is the Times' article, dated January +4th, which states so and so, and here is a letter from the +publisher, likewise dated January 4th, and which says:-- + + +"MY DEAR Sir,--Having this day sold the last copy of the first +edition (of x thousand) of the 'Kickleburys Abroad,' and having +orders for more, had we not better proceed to a second edition? and +will you permit me to enclose an order on," &c. &c.? + + +Singular coincidence! And if every author who was so abused by a +critic had a similar note from a publisher, good Lord! how easily +would we take the critic's censure! + +"Yes, yes," you say; "it is all very well for a writer to affect to +be indifferent to a critique from the Times. You bear it as a boy +bears a flogging at school, without crying out; but don't swagger +and brag as if you liked it." + +Let us have truth before all. I would rather have a good word than +a bad one from any person: but if a critic abuses me from a high +place, and it is worth my while, I will appeal. If I can show that +the judge who is delivering sentence against me, and laying down +the law and making a pretence of learning, has no learning and no +law, and is neither more nor less than a pompous noodle, who ought +not to be heard in any respectable court, I will do so; and then, +dear friends, perhaps you will have something to laugh at in this +book.-- + + +"THE KICKLEBURYS ABROAD. + +"It has been customary, of late years, for the purveyors of amusing +literature--the popular authors of the day--to put forth certain +opuscules, denominated 'Christmas Books,' with the ostensible +intention of swelling the tide of exhilaration, or other expansive +emotions, incident upon the exodus of the old and the inauguration +of the new year. We have said that their ostensible intention was +such, because there is another motive for these productions, locked +up (as the popular author deems) in his own breast, but which +betrays itself, in the quality of the work, as his principal +incentive. Oh! that any muse should be set upon a high stool to +cast up accounts and balance a ledger! Yet so it is; and the +popular author finds it convenient to fill up the declared deficit, +and place himself in a position the more effectually to encounter +those liabilities which sternly assert themselves contemporaneously +and in contrast with the careless and free-handed tendencies of the +season by the emission of Christmas books--a kind of literary +assignats, representing to the emitter expunged debts, to the +receiver an investment of enigmatical value. For the most part +bearing the stamp of their origin in the vacuity of the writer's +exchequer rather than in the fulness of his genius, they suggest by +their feeble flavor the rinsings of a void brain after the more +important concoctions of the expired year. Indeed, we should as +little think of taking these compositions as examples of the merits +of their authors as we should think of measuring the valuable +services of Mr. Walker, the postman, or Mr. Bell, the dust- +collector, by the copy of verses they leave at our doors as a +provocative of the expected annual gratuity--effusions with which +they may fairly be classed for their intrinsic worth no less than +their ultimate purport. + +"In the Christmas book presently under notice, the author appears +(under the thin disguise of Mr. Michael Angelo Titmarsh) in +'propria persona' as the popular author, the contributor to Punch, +the remorseless pursuer of unconscious vulgarity and feeble- +mindedness, launched upon a tour of relaxation to the Rhine. But +though exercising, as is the wont of popular authors in their +moments of leisure, a plentiful reserve of those higher qualities +to which they are indebted for their fame, his professional +instincts are not altogether in abeyance. From the moment his eye +lights upon a luckless family group embarked on the same steamer +with himself, the sight of his accustomed quarry--vulgarity, +imbecility, and affectation--reanimates his relaxed sinews, and, +playfully fastening his satiric fangs upon the familiar prey, he +dallies with it in mimic ferocity like a satiated mouser. + +"Though faintly and carelessly indicated, the characters are those +with which the author loves to surround himself. A tuft-hunting +county baronet's widow, an inane captain of dragoons, a graceless +young baronet, a lady with groundless pretensions to feeble health +and poesy, an obsequious nonentity her husband, and a flimsy and +artificial young lady, are the personages in whom we are expected +to find amusement. Two individuals alone form an exception to the +above category, and are offered to the respectful admiration of the +reader,--the one, a shadowy serjeant-at-law, Mr. Titmarsh's +travelling companion, who escapes with a few side puffs of +flattery, which the author struggles not to render ironical, and a +mysterious countess, spoken of in a tone of religious reverence, +and apparently introduced that we may learn by what delicate +discriminations our adoration of rank should be regulated. + +"To those who love to hug themselves in a sense of superiority by +admeasurement with the most worthless of their species, in their +most worthless aspects, the Kickleburys on the Rhine will afford an +agreeable treat, especially as the purveyor of the feast offers his +own moments of human weakness as a modest entree in this banquet of +erring mortality. To our own, perhaps unphilosophical, taste the +aspirations towards sentimental perfection of another popular +author are infinitely preferable to these sardonic divings after +the pearl of truth, whose lustre is eclipsed in the display of the +diseased oyster. Much, in the present instance, perhaps all, the +disagreeable effect of his subject is no doubt attributable to the +absence of Mr. Thackeray's usual brilliancy of style. A few +flashes, however, occur, such as the description of M. Lenoir's +gaming establishment, with the momentous crisis to which it was +subjected, and the quaint and imaginative sallies evoked by the +whole town of Rougetnoirbourg and its lawful prince. These, with +the illustrations, which are spirited enough, redeem the book from +an absolute ban. Mr. Thackeray's pencil is more congenial than his +pen. He cannot draw his men and women with their skins off, and, +therefore, the effigies of his characters are pleasanter to +contemplate than the flayed anatomies of the letter-press." + + +There is the whole article. And the reader will see (in the +paragraph preceding that memorable one which winds up with the +diseased oyster) that he must be a worthless creature for daring to +like the book, as he could only do so from a desire to hug himself +in a sense of superiority by admeasurement with the most worthless +of his fellow-creatures! + +The reader is worthless for liking a book of which all the +characters are worthless, except two, which are offered to his +respectful admiration; and of these two the author does not respect +one, but struggles not to laugh in his face; whilst he apparently +speaks of another in a tone of religious reverence, because the +lady is a countess, and because he (the author) is a sneak. So +reader, author, characters, are rogues all. Be there any honest +men left, Hal? About Printing-house Square, mayhap you may light +on an honest man, a squeamish man, a proper moral man, a man that +shall talk you Latin by the half-column if you will but hear him. + +And what a style it is, that great man's! What hoighth of foine +language entoirely! How he can discoorse you in English for all +the world as if it was Latin! For instance, suppose you and I had +to announce the important news that some writers published what are +called Christmas books; that Christmas books are so called because +they are published at Christmas: and that the purpose of the +authors is to try and amuse people. Suppose, I say, we had, by the +sheer force of intellect, or by other means of observation or +information, discovered these great truths, we should have +announced them in so many words. And there it is that the +difference lies between a great writer and a poor one; and we may +see how an inferior man may fling a chance away. How does my +friend of the Times put these propositions? "It has been +customary," says he, "of late years for the purveyors of amusing +literature to put forth certain opuscules, denominated Christmas +books, with the ostensible intention of swelling the tide of +exhilaration, or other expansive emotions, incident upon the exodus +of the old or the inauguration of the new year." That is something +like a sentence; not a word scarcely but's in Latin, and the +longest and handsomest out of the whole dictionary. That is proper +economy--as you see a buck from Holywell Street put every pinchbeck +pin, ring, and chain which he possesses about his shirt, hands, and +waistcoat, and then go and cut a dash in the Park, or swagger with +his order to the theatre. It costs him no more to wear all his +ornaments about his distinguished person than to leave them at +home. If you can be a swell at a cheap rate, why not? And I +protest, for my part, I had no idea what I was really about in +writing and submitting my little book for sale, until my friend the +critic, looking at the article, and examining it with the eyes of a +connoisseur, pronounced that what I had fancied simply to be a book +was in fact "an opuscule denominated so-and-so, and ostensibly +intended to swell the tide of expansive emotion incident upon the +inauguration of the new year." I can hardly believe as much even +now--so little do we know what we really are after, until men of +genius come and interpret. + +And besides the ostensible intention, the reader will perceive that +my judge has discovered another latent motive, which I had "locked +up in my own breast." The sly rogue! (if we may so speak of the +court.) There is no keeping anything from him; and this truth, +like the rest, has come out, and is all over England by this time. +Oh, that all England, which has bought the judge's charge, would +purchase the prisoner's plea in mitigation! "Oh, that any muse +should be set on a high stool," says the bench, "to cast up +accounts and balance a ledger! Yet so it is; and the popular +author finds it convenient to fill up the declared deficit by the +emission of Christmas books--a kind of assignats that bear the +stamp of their origin in the vacuity of the writer's exchequer." +There is a trope for you! You rascal, you wrote because you wanted +money! His lordship has found out what you were at, and that there +is a deficit in your till. But he goes on to say that we poor +devils are to be pitied in our necessity; and that these compositions +are no more to be taken as examples of our merits than the verses +which the dustman leaves at his lordship's door, "as a provocative +of the expected annual gratuity," are to be considered as measuring +his, the scavenger's, valuable services--nevertheless the author's +and the scavenger's "effusions may fairly be classed, for their +intrinsic worth, no less than their ultimate purport." + +Heaven bless his lordship on the bench--What a gentle manlike +badinage he has, and what a charming and playful wit always at +hand! What a sense he has for a simile, or what Mrs. Malaprop +calls an odorous comparison, and how gracefully he conducts it to +"its ultimate purport." A gentleman writing a poor little book is +a scavenger asking for a Christmas-box! + + +As I try this small beer which has called down such a deal of +thunder, I can't help thinking that it is not Jove who has interfered +(the case was scarce worthy of his divine vindictiveness); but the +Thunderer's man, Jupiter Jeames, taking his master's place, adopting +his manner, and trying to dazzle and roar like his awful employer. +That figure of the dustman has hardly been flung from heaven: that +"ultimate purport" is a subject which the Immortal would hardly +handle. Well, well; let us allow that the book is not worthy of +such a polite critic--that the beer is not strong enough for a +gentleman who has taste and experience in beer. + +That opinion no man can ask his honor to alter; but (the beer being +the question), why make unpleasant allusions to the Gazette, and +hint at the probable bankruptcy of the brewer? Why twit me with my +poverty; and what can the Times' critic know about the vacuity of +my exchequer? Did he ever lend me any money? Does he not himself +write for money? (and who would grudge it to such a polite and +generous and learned author?) If he finds no disgrace in being +paid, why should I? If he has ever been poor, why should he joke +at my empty exchequer? Of course such a genius is paid for his +work: with such neat logic, such a pure style, such a charming +poetical turn of phrase, of course a critic gets money. Why, a man +who can say of a Christmas book that "it is an opuscule denominated +so-and-so, and ostensibly intended to swell the tide of expansive +emotion incident upon the exodus of the old year," must evidently +have had immense sums and care expended on his early education, and +deserves a splendid return. You can't go into the market, and get +scholarship like THAT, without paying for it: even the flogging +that such a writer must have had in early youth (if he was at a +public school where the rods were paid for), must have cost his +parents a good sum. Where would you find any but an accomplished +classical scholar to compare the books of the present (or indeed +any other) writer to "sardonic divings after the pearl of truth, +whose lustre is eclipsed in the display of the diseased oyster;" +mere Billingsgate doesn't turn out oysters like these; they are of +the Lucrine lake:--this satirist has pickled his rods in Latin +brine. Fancy, not merely a diver, but a sardonic diver: and the +expression of his confounded countenance on discovering not only a +pearl, but an eclipsed pearl, which was in a diseased oyster! I +say it is only by an uncommon and happy combination of taste, +genius, and industry, that a man can arrive at uttering such +sentiments in such fine language,--that such a man ought to be well +paid, as I have no doubt he is, and that he is worthily employed to +write literary articles, in large type, in the leading journal of +Europe. Don't we want men of eminence and polite learning to sit +on the literary bench, and to direct the public opinion? + +But when this profound scholar compares me to a scavenger who +leaves a copy of verses at his door and begs for a Christmas-box, I +must again cry out and say, "My dear sir, it is true your simile is +offensive, but can you make it out? Are you not hasty in your +figures and illusions?" If I might give a hint to so consummate a +rhetorician, you should be more careful in making your figures +figures, and your similes like: for instance, when you talk of a +book "swelling the tide of exhilaration incident to the inauguration +of the new year," or of a book "bearing the stamp of its origin in +vacuity," &c.,--or of a man diving sardonically; or of a pearl +eclipsed in the display of a diseased oyster--there are some people +who will not apprehend your meaning: some will doubt whether you had +a meaning: some even will question your great powers, and say, "Is +this man to be a critic in a newspaper, which knows what English, +and Latin too, and what sense and scholarship, are?" I don't +quarrel with you--I take for granted your wit and learning, your +modesty and benevolence--but why scavenger--Jupiter Jeames--why +scavenger? A gentleman, whose biography the Examiner was fond of +quoting before it took its present serious and orthodox turn, was +pursued by an outraged wife to the very last stage of his existence +with an appeal almost as pathetic--Ah, sir, why scavenger? + +How can I be like a dustman that rings for a Christmas-box at your +hall-door? I never was there in my life. I never left at your +door a copy of verses provocative of an annual gratuity, as your +noble honor styles it. Who are you? If you are the man I take you +to be, it must have been you who asked the publisher for my book, +and not I who sent it in, and begged a gratuity of your worship. +You abused me out of the Times' window; but if ever your noble +honor sent me a gratuity out of your own door, may I never drive +another dust-cart. "Provocative of a gratuity!" O splendid swell! +How much was it your worship sent out to me by the footman? Every +farthing you have paid I will restore to your lordship, and I swear +I shall not be a halfpenny the poorer. + +As before, and on similar seasons and occasions, I have compared +myself to a person following a not dissimilar calling: let me +suppose now, for a minute, that I am a writer of a Christmas farce, +who sits in the pit, and sees the performance of his own piece. +There comes applause, hissing, yawning, laughter, as may be: but +the loudest critic of all is our friend the cheap buck, who sits +yonder and makes his remarks, so that all the audience may hear. +"THIS a farce!" says Beau Tibbs: "demmy! it's the work of a poor +devil who writes for money,--confound his vulgarity! This a farce! +Why isn't it a tragedy, or a comedy, or an epic poem, stap my +vitals? This a farce indeed! It's a feller as sends round his 'at, +and appeals to charity. Let's 'ave our money back again, I say." +And he swaggers off;--and you find the fellow came with an author's +order. + +But if, in spite of Tibbs, our "kyind friends," &c. &c. &c.--if the +little farce, which was meant to amuse Christmas (or what my +classical friend calls Exodus), is asked for, even up to Twelfth +Night,--shall the publisher stop because Tibbs is dissatisfied? +Whenever that capitalist calls to get his money back, he may see +the letter from the respected publisher, informing the author that +all the copies are sold, and that there are demands for a new +edition. Up with the curtain, then! Vivat Regina! and no money +returned, except the Times "gratuity!" + +M. A. TITMARSH. + +January 5, 1851. + + + +THE KICKLEBURYS ON THE RHINE. + + +The cabman, when he brought us to the wharf, and made his usual +charge of six times his legal fare, before the settlement of which +he pretended to refuse the privilege of an exeat regno to our +luggage, glared like a disappointed fiend when Lankin, calling up +the faithful Hutchison, his clerk, who was in attendance, said to +him, "Hutchison, you will pay this man. My name is Serjeant +Lankin, my chambers are in Pump Court. My clerk will settle with +you, sir." The cabman trembled; we stepped on board; our lightsome +luggage was speedily whisked away by the crew; our berths had been +secured by the previous agency of Hutchison; and a couple of +tickets, on which were written, "Mr. Serjeant Lankin," "Mr. +Titmarsh," (Lankin's, by the way, incomparably the best and +comfortablest sleeping place,) were pinned on to two of the +curtains of the beds in a side cabin when we descended. + +Who was on board? There were Jews, with Sunday papers and fruit; +there were couriers and servants straggling about; there were those +bearded foreign visitors of England, who always seem to decline to +shave or wash themselves on the day of a voyage, and, on the eve of +quitting our country, appear inclined to carry away as much as +possible of its soil on their hands and linen: there were parties +already cozily established on deck under the awning; and steady- +going travellers for'ard, smoking already the pleasant morning +cigar, and watching the phenomena of departure. + +The bell rings: they leave off bawling, "Anybody else for the +shore?" The last grape and Bell's Life merchant has scuffled over +the plank: the Johns of the departing nobility and gentry line the +brink of the quay, and touch their hats: Hutchison touches his hat +to me--to ME, heaven bless him! I turn round inexpressibly +affected and delighted, and whom do I see but Captain Hicks! + +"Hallo! YOU here?" says Hicks, in a tone which seems to mean, +"Confound you, you are everywhere." + +Hicks is one of those young men who seem to be everywhere a great +deal too often. + +How are they always getting leave from their regiments? If they +are not wanted in this country, (as wanted they cannot be, for you +see them sprawling over the railing in Rotten Row all day, and +shaking their heels at every ball in town,)--if they are not wanted +in this country, I say, why the deuce are they not sent off to +India, or to Demerara, or to Sierra Leone, by Jove?--the farther +the better; and I should wish a good unwholesome climate to try +'em, and make 'em hardy. Here is this Hicks, then--Captain +Launcelot Hicks, if you please--whose life is nothing but +breakfast, smoking, riding-school, billiards, mess, polking, +billiards, and smoking again, and da capo--pulling down his +moustaches, and going to take a tour after the immense labors of +the season. + +"How do you do, Captain Hicks?" I say. "Where are you going?" + +"Oh, I am going to the Whine," says Hicks; "evewybody goes to the +Whine." The WHINE indeed! I dare say he can no more spell +properly than he can speak. + +"Who is on board--anybody?" I ask, with the air of a man of +fashion. "To whom does that immense pile of luggage belong--under +charge of the lady's-maid, the courier, and the British footman? A +large white K is painted on all the boxes." + +"How the deuce should I know?" says Hicks, looking, as I fancy, +both red and angry, and strutting off with his great cavalry lurch +and swagger: whilst my friend the Serjeant looks at him lost in +admiration, and surveys his shining little boots, his chains and +breloques, his whiskers and ambrosial moustaches, his gloves and +other dandifications, with a pleased wonder; as the ladies of the +Sultan's harem surveyed the great Lady from Park Lane who paid them +a visit; or the simple subjects of Montezuma looked at one of +Cortes's heavy dragoons. + +"That must be a marquis at least," whispers Lankin, who consults me +on points of society, and is pleased to have a great opinion of my +experience. + +I burst out in a scornful laugh. "THAT!" I say; "he is a captain +of dragoons, and his father an attorney in Bedford Row. The +whiskers of a roturier, my good Lankin, grow as long as the beard +of a Plantagenet. It don't require much noble blood to learn the +polka. If you were younger, Lankin, we might go for a shilling a +night, and dance every evening at M. Laurent's Casino, and skip +about in a little time as well as that fellow. Only we despise the +kind of thing you know,--only we're too grave, and too steady." + +"And too fat," whispers Lankin, with a laugh. + +"Speak for yourself, you maypole," says I. "If you can't dance +yourself, people can dance round you--put a wreath of flowers upon +your old poll, stick you up in a village green, and so make use of +you." + +"I should gladly be turned into anything so pleasant," Lankin +answers; "and so, at least, get a chance of seeing a pretty girl +now and then. They don't show in Pump Court, or at the University +Club, where I dine. You are a lucky fellow, Titmarsh, and go about +in the world. As for me, I never--" + +"And the judges' wives, you rogue?" I say. "Well, no man is +satisfied; and the only reason I have to be angry with the captain +yonder is, that, the other night, at Mrs. Perkins's, being in +conversation with a charming young creature--who knows all my +favorite passages in Tennyson, and takes a most delightful little +line of opposition in the Church controversy--just as we were in +the very closest, dearest, pleasantest part of the talk, comes up +young Hotspur yonder, and whisks her away in a polka. What have +you and I to do with polkas, Lankin? He took her down to supper-- +what have you and I to do with suppers?" + +"Our duty is to leave them alone," said the philosophical Serjeant. +"And now about breakfast--shall we have some?" And as he spoke, a +savory little procession of stewards and stewards' boys, with drab +tin dish-covers, passed from the caboose, and descended the stairs +to the cabin. The vessel had passed Greenwich by this time, and +had worked its way out of the mast-forest which guards the +approaches of our city. + + +The owners of those innumerable boxes, bags, oil-skins, guitar- +cases, whereon the letter K was engraven, appeared to be three +ladies, with a slim gentleman of two or three and thirty, who was +probably the husband of one of them. He had numberless shawls +under his arm and guardianship. He had a strap full of Murray's +Handbooks and Continental Guides in his keeping; and a little +collection of parasols and umbrellas, bound together, and to be +carried in state before the chief of the party, like the lictor's +fasces before the consul. + +The chief of the party was evidently the stout lady. One parasol +being left free, she waved it about, and commanded the luggage and +the menials to and fro. "Horace, we will sit there," she +exclaimed, pointing to a comfortable place on the deck. Horace +went and placed the shawls and the Guidebooks. "Hirsch, avy vou +conty les bagages? tront sett morso ong too?" The German courier +said, "Oui, miladi," and bowed a rather sulky assent. "Bowman, you +will see that Finch is comfortable, and send her to me." The +gigantic Bowman, a gentleman in an undress uniform, with very large +and splendid armorial buttons, and with traces of the powder of the +season still lingering in his hair, bows, and speeds upon my lady's +errand. + +I recognize Hirsch, a well-known face upon the European high-road, +where he has travelled with many acquaintances. With whom is he +making the tour now?--Mr. Hirsch is acting as courier to Mr. and +Mrs. Horace Milliken. They have not been married many months, and +they are travelling, Hirsch says, with a contraction of his bushy +eyebrows, with miladi, Mrs. Milliken's mamma. "And who is her +ladyship?" Hirsch's brow contracts into deeper furrows. "It is +Miladi Gigglebury," he says, "Mr. Didmarsh. Berhabs you know her." +He scowls round at her, as she calls out loudly, "Hirsch, Hirsch!" +and obeys that summons. + + +It is the great Lady Kicklebury of Pocklington Square, about whom I +remember Mrs. Perkins made so much ado at her last ball; and whom +old Perkins conducted to supper. When Sir Thomas Kicklebury died +(he was one of the first tenants of the Square), who does not +remember the scutcheon with the coronet with two balls, that flamed +over No. 36? Her son was at Eton then, and has subsequently taken +an honorary degree at Oxford, and been an ornament of Platt's and +the "Oswestry Club." He fled into St. James's from the great house +in Pocklington Square, and from St. James's to Italy and the +Mediterranean, where he has been for some time in a wholesome +exile. Her eldest daughter's marriage with Lord Roughhead was +talked about last year; but Lord Roughhead, it is known, married +Miss Brent; and Horace Milliken, very much to his surprise, found +himself the affianced husband of Miss Lavinia Kicklebury, after an +agitating evening at Lady Polkimore's, when Miss Lavinia, feeling +herself faint, went out on to the leads (the terrace, Lady +Polkimore WILL call it), on the arm of Mr. Milliken. They were +married in January: it's not a bad match for Miss K. Lady +Kicklebury goes and stops for six months of the year at Pigeoncot +with her daughter and son-in-law; and now that they are come +abroad, she comes too. She must be with Lavinia, under the present +circumstances. + +When I am arm-in-arm, I tell this story glibly off to Lankin, who +is astonished at my knowledge of the world, and says, "Why, +Titmarsh, you know everything." + +"I DO know a few things, Lankin my boy," is my answer. "A man +don't live in society, and PRETTY GOOD society, let me tell you, +for nothing." + +The fact is, that all the above details are known to almost any man +in our neighborhood. Lady Kicklebury does not meet with US much, +and has greater folks than we can pretend to be at her parties. +But we know about THEM. She'll condescend to come to Perkins's, +WITH WHOSE FIRM SHE BANKS; and she MAY overdraw HER ACCOUNT: but of +that, of course, I know nothing. + +When Lankin and I go down stairs to breakfast, we find, if not the +best, at least the most conspicuous places in occupation of Lady +Kicklebury's party, and the hulking London footman making a +darkness in the cabin, as he stoops through it bearing cups and +plates to his employers. + + +[Why do they always put mud into coffee on board steamers? Why +does the tea generally taste of boiled boots? Why is the milk +scarce and thin? And why do they have those bleeding legs of +boiled mutton for dinner? I ask why? In the steamers of other +nations you are well fed. Is it impossible that Britannia, who +confessedly rules the waves, should attend to the victuals a +little, and that meat should be well cooked under a Union Jack? I +just put in this question, this most interesting question, in a +momentous parenthesis, and resume the tale.] + + +When Lankin and I descend to the cabin, then, the tables are full +of gobbling people; and, though there DO seem to be a couple of +places near Lady Kicklebury, immediately she sees our eyes directed +to the inviting gap, she slides out, and with her ample robe covers +even more than that large space to which by art and nature she is +entitled, and calling out, "Horace, Horace!" and nodding, and +winking, and pointing, she causes her son-in-law to extend the wing +on his side. We are cut of THAT chance of a breakfast. We shall +have the tea at its third water, and those two damp black mutton- +chops, which nobody else will take, will fall to our cold share. + +At this minute a voice, clear and sweet, from a tall lady in a +black veil, says, "Mr. Titmarsh," and I start and murmur an +ejaculation of respectful surprise, as I recognize no less a person +than the Right Honorable the Countess of Knightsbridge, taking her +tea, breaking up little bits of toast with her slim fingers, and +sitting between a Belgian horse-dealer and a German violoncello- +player who has a conge after the opera--like any other mortal. + +I whisper her ladyship's name to Lankin. The Serjeant looks +towards her with curiosity and awe. Even he, in his Pump Court +solitudes, has heard of that star of fashion--that admired amongst +men, and even women--that Diana severe yet simple, the accomplished +Aurelia of Knightsbridge. Her husband has but a small share of HER +qualities. How should he? The turf and the fox-chase are his +delights--the smoking-room at the "Travellers'"--nay, shall we say +it?--the illuminated arcades of "Vauxhall," and the gambols of the +dishevelled Terpsichore. Knightsbridge has his faults--ah! even +the peerage of England is not exempt from them. With Diana for his +wife, he flies the halls where she sits severe and serene, and is +to be found (shrouded in smoke, 'tis true,) in those caves where +the contrite chimney-sweep sings his terrible death chant, or the +Bacchanalian judge administers a satiric law. Lord Knightsbridge +has his faults, then; but he has the gout at Rougetnoirbourg, near +the Rhine, and thither his wife is hastening to minister to him. + +"I have done," says Lady Knightsbridge, with a gentle bow, as she +rises; "you may have this place, Mr. Titmarsh; and I am sorry my +breakfast is over: I should have prolonged it had I thought that +YOU were coming to sit by me. Thank you--my glove." (Such an +absurd little glove, by the way). "We shall meet on the deck when +you have done." + +And she moves away with an august curtsy. I can't tell how it is, +or what it is, in that lady; but she says, "How do you do?" as +nobody else knows how to say it. In all her actions, motions, +thoughts, I would wager there is the same calm grace and harmony. +She is not very handsome, being very thin, and rather sad-looking. +She is not very witty, being only up to the conversation, whatever +it may be; and yet, if she were in black serge, I think one could +not help seeing that she was a Princess, and Serene Highness; and +if she were a hundred years old, she could not be but beautiful. I +saw her performing her devotions in Antwerp Cathedral, and forgot +to look at anything else there;--so calm and pure, such a sainted +figure hers seemed. + +When this great lady did the present writer the honor to shake his +hand (I had the honor to teach writing and the rudiments of Latin +to the young and intelligent Lord Viscount Pimlico), there seemed +to be a commotion in the Kicklebury party--heads were nodded +together, and turned towards Lady Knightsbridge: in whose honor, +when Lady Kicklebury had sufficiently reconnoitred her with her +eye-glass, the baronet's lady rose and swept a reverential curtsy, +backing until she fell up against the cushions at the stern of the +boat. Lady Knightsbridge did not see this salute, for she did not +acknowledge it, but walked away slimly (she seems to glide in and +out of the room), and disappeared up the stair to the deck. + +Lankin and I took our places, the horse-dealer making room for us; +and I could not help looking, with a little air of triumph, over to +the Kicklebury faction, as much as to say, "You fine folks, with +your large footman and supercilious airs, see what WE can do." + +As I looked--smiling, and nodding, and laughing at me, in a knowing, +pretty way, and then leaning to mamma as if in explanation, what +face should I see but that of the young lady at Mrs. Perkins's, with +whom I had had that pleasant conversation which had been interrupted +by the demand of Captain Hicks for a dance? So, then, that was Miss +Kicklebury, about whom Miss Perkins, my young friend, has so often +spoken to me: the young ladies were in conversation when I had the +happiness of joining them; and Miss P. went away presently, to look +to her guests)--that is Miss Fanny Kicklebury. + +A sudden pang shot athwart my bosom--Lankin might have perceived +it, but the honest Serjeant was so awe-stricken by his late +interview with the Countess of Knightsbridge, that his mind was +unfit to grapple with other subjects--a pang of feeling (which I +concealed under the grin and graceful bow wherewith Miss Fanny's +salutations were acknowledged) tore my heart-strings--as I thought +of--I need not say--of HICKS. + +He had danced with her, he had supped with her--he was here, on +board the boat. Where was that dragoon? I looked round for him. +In quite a far corner,--but so that he could command the Kicklebury +party, I thought,--he was eating his breakfast, the great healthy +oaf, and consuming one broiled egg after another. + +In the course of the afternoon, all parties, as it may be supposed, +emerged upon deck again, and Miss Fanny and her mamma began walking +the quarter-deck with a quick pace, like a couple of post-captains. +When Miss Fanny saw me, she stopped and smiled, and recognized the +gentleman who had amused her so at Mrs. Perkins's. What a dear +sweet creature Eliza Perkins was! They had been at school +together. She was going to write to Eliza everything that happened +on the voyage. + +"EVERYTHING?" I said, in my particularly sarcastic manner. + +"Well, everything that was worth telling. There was a great number +of things that were very stupid, and of people that were very +stupid. Everything that YOU say, Mr. Titmarsh, I am sure I may put +down. You have seen Mr. Titmarsh's funny books, mamma?" + +Mamma said she had heard--she had no doubt they were very amusing. +"Was not that--ahem--Lady Knightsbridge, to whom I saw you +speaking, sir?" + +"Yes; she is going to nurse Lord Knightsbridge, who has the gout at +Rougetnoirbourg." + +"Indeed! how very fortunate! what an extraordinary coincidence! We +are going too," said Lady Kicklebury. + +I remarked "that everybody was going to Rougetnoirbourg this year; +and I heard of two gentlemen--Count Carambole and Colonel Cannon-- +who had been obliged to sleep there on a billiard-table for want of +a bed." + +"My son Kicklebury--are you acquainted with Sir Thomas Kicklebury?" +her ladyship said, with great stateliness--"is at Noirbourg, and +will take lodgings for us. The springs are particularly +recommended for my daughter, Mrs. Milliken and, at great personal +sacrifice, I am going thither myself:, but what will not a mother +do, Mr. Titmarsh? Did I understand you to say that you have the-- +the entree at Knightsbridge House? The parties are not what they +used to be, I am told. Not that I have any knowledge. I am but a +poor country baronet's widow, Mr. Titmarsh; though the Kickleburys +date from Henry III., and MY family is not of the most modern in +the country. You have heard of General Guff, my father, perhaps? +aide-de-camp to the Duke of York, and wounded by his Royal +Highness's side at the bombardment of Valenciennes. WE move IN OUR +OWN SPHERE." + +"Mrs. Perkins is a very kind creature," I said, "and it was a very +pleasant ball. Did you not think so, Miss Kicklebury?" + +"I thought it odious," said Miss Fanny. "I mean, it WAS pleasant +until that--that stupid man--what was his name?--came and took me +away to dance with him." + +"What! don't you care for a red coat and moustaches?" I asked. + +"I adore genius, Mr. Titmarsh," said the young lady, with a most +killing look of her beautiful blue eyes, "and I have every one of +your works by heart--all, except the last, which I can't endure. I +think it's wicked, positively wicked--My darling Scott--how can +you? And are you going to make a Christmas-book this year?" + +"Shall I tell you about it?" + +"Oh, do tell us about it," said the lively, charming creature, +clapping her hands: and we began to talk, being near Lavinia (Mrs. +Milliken) and her husband, who was ceaselessly occupied in fetching +and carrying books, biscuits, pillows and cloaks, scent-bottles, +the Italian greyhound, and the thousand and one necessities of the +pale and interesting bride. Oh, how she did fidget! how she did +grumble! how she altered and twisted her position! and how she did +make poor Milliken trot! + +After Miss Fanny and I had talked, and I had told her my plan, +which she pronounced to be delightful, she continued:--"I never was +so provoked in my life, Mr. Titmarsh, as when that odious man came +and interrupted that dear delightful conversation." + +"On your word? The odious man is on board the boat: I see him +smoking just by the funnel yonder, look! and looking at us." + +"He is very stupid," said Fanny; "and all that I adore is intellect, +dear Mr. Titmarsh." + +"But why is he on board?" said I, with a fin sourire. + +"Why is he on board? Why is everybody on board? How do we meet? +(and oh, how glad I am to meet you again!) You don't suppose that +I know how the horrid man came here?" + +"Eh! he may be fascinated by a pair of blue eyes, Miss Fanny! +Others have been so," I said. + +"Don't be cruel to a poor girl, you wicked, satirical creature," +she said. "I think Captain Hicks odious--there! and I was quite +angry when I saw him on the boat. Mamma does not know him, and she +was so angry with me for dancing with him that night: though there +was nobody of any particular mark at poor dear Mrs. Perkins's--that +is, except YOU, Mr. Titmarsh." + +"And I am not a dancing man," I said, with a sigh. + +"I hate dancing men; they can do nothing but dance." + +"O yes, they can. Some of them can smoke, and some can ride, and +some of them can even spell very well." + +"You wicked, satirical person. I'm quite afraid of you!" + +"And some of them call the Rhine the 'Whine,'" I said, giving an +admirable imitation of poor Hicks's drawling manner. + +Fanny looked hard at me, with a peculiar expression on her face. +At last she laughed. "Oh, you wicked, wicked man," she said, "what +a capital mimic you are, and so full of cleverness! Do bring up +Captain Hicks--isn't that his name?--and trot him out for us. +Bring him up, and introduce him to mamma: do now, go!" + +Mamma, in the meanwhile, had waited her time, and was just going to +step down the cabin stairs as Lady Knightsbridge ascended from +them. To draw back, to make a most profound curtsy, to exclaim, +"Lady Knightsbridge! I have had the honor of seeing your ladyship +at--hum--hum--hum" (this word I could not catch)--"House,"--all +these feats were performed by Lady Kicklebury in one instant, and +acknowledged with the usual calmness by the younger lady. + +"And may I hope," continues Lady Kicklebury, "that that most +beautiful of all children--a mother may say so--that Lord Pimlico +has recovered his hooping-cough? We were so anxious about him. +Our medical attendant is Mr. Topham, and he used to come from +Knightsbridge House to Pocklington Square, often and often. I am +interested about the hooping-cough. My own dear boy had it most +severely; that dear girl, my eldest daughter, whom you see +stretched on the bench--she is in a very delicate state, and only +lately married--not such a match as I could have wished: but Mr. +Milliken is of a good family, distantly related to your ladyship's. +A Milliken, in George the Third's reign, married a Boltimore, and +the Boltimores, I think, are your first-cousins. They married this +year, and Lavinia is so fond of me, that she can't part with me, +and I have come abroad just to please her. We are going to +Noirbourg. I think I heard from my son that Lord Knightsbridge was +at Noirbourg." + +"I believe I have had the pleasure of seeing Sir Thomas Kicklebury +at Knightsbridge House," Lady Knightsbridge said, with something of +sadness. + +"Indeed!" and Kicklebury had never told her! He laughed at her +when she talked about great people: he told her all sorts of +ridiculous stories when upon this theme. But, at any rate, the +acquaintance was made: Lady Kicklebury would not leave Lady +Knightsbridge; and, even in the throes of sea-sickness, and the +secret recesses of the cabin, WOULD talk to her about the world, +Lord Pimlico, and her father, General Guff, late aide-de-camp to +the Duke of York. + +That those throes of sickness ensued, I need not say. A short time +after passing Ramsgate, Serjeant Lankin, who had been exceedingly +gay and satirical--(in his calm way; he quotes Horace, my favorite +bits as an author, to myself, and has a quiet snigger, and, so to +speak, amontillado flavor, exceedingly pleasant)--Lankin, with a +rueful and livid countenance, descended into his berth, in the +which that six foot of serjeant packed himself I don't know how. + +When Lady Knightsbridge went down, down went Kicklebury. Milliken +and his wife stayed, and were ill together on deck. A palm of +glory ought to be awarded to that man for his angelic patience, +energy, and suffering. It was he who went for Mrs. Milliken's +maid, who wouldn't come to her mistress; it was he, the shyest of +men, who stormed the ladies' cabin--that maritime harem--in order +to get her mother's bottle of salts; it was he who went for the +brandy-and-water, and begged, and prayed, and besought his adored +Lavinia to taste a leetle drop. Lavinia's reply was, "Don't--go +away--don't tease, Horace," and so forth. And, when not wanted, +the gentle creature subsided on the bench, by his wife's feet, and +was sick in silence. + +[Mem--In married life, it seems to me, that it is almost always +Milliken and wife, or just the contrary. The angels minister to +the tyrants; or the gentle, hen-pecked husband cowers before the +superior partlet. if ever I marry, I know the sort of woman I will +choose; and I won't try her temper by over-indulgence, and destroy +her fine qualities by a ruinous subserviency to her wishes.] + +Little Miss Fanny stayed on deck, as well as her sister, and looked +at the stars of heaven, as they began to shine there, and at the +Foreland lights as we passed them. I would have talked with her; I +would have suggested images of poesy, and thoughts of beauty; I +would have whispered the word of sentiment--the delicate allusion-- +the breathing of the soul that longs to find a congenial heart--the +sorrows and aspirations of the wounded spirit, stricken and sad, +yet not QUITE despairing; still knowing that the hope-plant lurked +in its crushed ruins--still able to gaze on the stars and the +ocean, and love their blazing sheen, their boundless azure. I +would, I say, have taken the opportunity of that stilly night to +lay bare to her the treasures of a heart that, I am happy to say, +is young still; but circumstances forbade the frank outpouring of +my poet soul: in a word, I was obliged to go and lie down on the +flat of my back, and endeavor to control OTHER emotions which +struggled in my breast. + +Once, in the night-watches, I arose, and came on deck; the vessel +was not, methought, pitching much; and yet--and yet Neptune was +inexorable. The placid stars looked down, but they gave me no +peace. Lavinia Milliken seemed asleep, and her Horace, in a death- +like torpor, was huddled at her feet. Miss Fanny had quitted the +larboard side of the ship, and had gone to starboard; and I thought +that there was a gentleman beside her; but I could not see very +clearly, and returned to the horrid crib, where Lankin was asleep, +and the German fiddler underneath him was snoring like his own +violoncello. + +In the morning we were all as brisk as bees. We were in the smooth +waters of the lazy Scheldt. The stewards began preparing breakfast +with that matutinal eagerness which they always show. The sleepers +in the cabin were roused from their horse-hair couches by the +stewards' boys nudging, and pushing, and flapping table-cloths over +them. I shaved and made a neat toilette, and came upon deck just +as we lay off that little Dutch fort, which is, I dare say, +described in "Murray's Guide-book," and about which I had some rare +banter with poor Hicks and Lady Kicklebury, whose sense of humor is +certainly not very keen. He had, somehow, joined her ladyship's +party, and they were looking at the fort, and its tri-colored flag-- +that floats familiar in Vandevelde's pictures--and at the lazy +shipping, and the tall roofs, and dumpy church towers, and flat +pastures, lying before us in a Cuyplike haze. + +I am sorry to say, I told them the most awful fibs about that fort. +How it had been defended by the Dutch patriot, Van Swammerdam, +against the united forces of the Duke of Alva and Marshal Turenne, +whose leg was shot off as he was leading the last unsuccessful +assault, and who turned round to his aide-de-camp and said, "Allez +dire an Premier Consul, que je meurs avec regret de ne pas avoir +assez fait pour la France!" which gave Lady Kicklebury an +opportunity to placer her story of the Duke of York, and the +bombardment of Valenciennes; and caused young Hicks to look at me +in a puzzled and appealing manner and hint that I was "chaffing." + +"Chaffing indeed!" says I, with a particularly arch eye-twinkle at +Miss Fanny. "I wouldn't make fun of you, Captain Hicks! If you +doubt my historical accuracy, look at the 'Biographie Universelle.' +I say--look at the 'Biographie Universelle.'" + +He said, "O--ah--the 'Biogwaphie Universelle' may be all vewy well, +and that; but I never can make out whether you are joking or not, +somehow; and I always fancy you are going to CAWICKACHAW me. Ha, +ha!" And he laughed, the good-natured dragoon laughed, and fancied +he had made a joke. + +I entreated him not to be so severe upon me; and again he said, +"Haw haw!" and told me, "I mustn't expect to have it all MY OWN +WAY, and if I gave a hit, I must expect a Punch in return. Haw +haw!" Oh, you honest young Hicks! + +Everybody, indeed, was in high spirits. The fog cleared off, the +sun shone, the ladies chatted and laughed, even Mrs. Milliken was +in good humor ("My wife is all intellect," Milliken says, looking +at her with admiration), and talked with us freely and gayly. She +was kind enough to say that it was a great pleasure to meet with a +literary and well-informed person--that one often lived with people +that did not comprehend one. She asked if my companion, that tall +gentleman--Mr. Serjeant Lankin, was he?--was literary. And when I +said that Lankin knew more Greek, and more Latin, and more law, and +more history, and more everything, than all the passengers put +together, she vouchsafed to look at him with interest, and enter +into a conversation with my modest friend the Serjeant. Then it +was that her adoring husband said "his Lavinia was all intellect;"-- +Lady Kicklebury saying that SHE was not a literary woman: that in +HER day few acquirements were requisite for the British female; but +that she knew THE SPIRIT OF THE AGE, and her DUTY AS A MOTHER, and +that "Lavinia and Fanny had had the best masters and the best +education which money and constant maternal solicitude could +impart." If our matrons are virtuous, as they are, and it is +Britain's boast, permit me to say that they certainly know it. + +The conversation growing powerfully intellectual under Mrs. +Milliken, poor Hicks naturally became uneasy, and put an end to +literature by admiring the ladies' head-dresses. "Cab-heads, +hoods, what do you call 'em?" he asked of Miss Kicklebury. Indeed, +she and her sister wore a couple of those blue silk over-bonnets, +which have lately become the fashion, and which I never should have +mentioned but for the young lady's reply. + +"Those hoods!" she said--"WE CALL THOSE HOODS UGLIES! Captain +Hicks." + +Oh, how pretty she looked as she said it! The blue eyes looked up +under the blue hood, so archly and gayly; ever so many dimples +began playing about her face; her little voice rang so fresh and +sweet, that a heart which has never loved a tree or flower but the +vegetable in question was sure to perish--a heart worn down and +sickened by repeated disappointment, mockery, faithlessness--a +heart whereof despair is an accustomed tenant, and in whose +desolate and lonely depths dwells an abiding gloom, began to throb +once more--began to beckon Hope from the window--began to admit +sunshine--began to--O Folly, Folly! O Fanny! O Miss K., how +lovely you looked as you said, "We call those hoods Uglies!" +Ugly indeed! + + +This is a chronicle of feelings and characters, not of events and +places, so much. All this time our vessel was making rapid way up +the river, and we saw before us the slim towers of the noble +cathedral of Antwerp soaring in the rosy sunshine. Lankin and I +had agreed to go to the "Grand Laboureur," or the Place de Meir. +They give you a particular kind of jam-tarts there--called Nun's +tarts, I think--that I remember, these twenty years, as the very +best tarts--as good as the tarts which we ate when we were boys. +The "Laboureur" is a dear old quiet comfortable hotel; and there is +no man in England who likes a good dinner better than Lankin. + +"What hotel do you go to?" I asked of Lady Kicklebury. + +"We go to the 'Saint Antoine' of course. Everybody goes to the +'Saint Antoine,'" her ladyship said. "We propose to rest here; to +do the Rubens's; and to proceed to Cologne to-morrow. Horace, call +Finch and Bowman; and your courier, if he will have the +condescension to wait upon ME, will perhaps look to the baggage." + +"I think, Lankin," said I, "as everybody seems going to the 'Saint +Antoine,' we may as well go, and not spoil the party." + +"I think I'll go too," says Hicks; as if HE belonged to the party. + +And oh, it was a great sight when we landed, and at every place at +which we paused afterwards, to see Hirsch over the Kicklebury +baggage, and hear his polyglot maledictions at the porters! If a +man sometimes feels sad and lonely at his bachelor condition, if +SOME feelings of envy pervade his heart, at seeing beauty on +another's arm, and kind eyes directed towards a happier mug than +his own--at least there are some consolations in travelling, when a +fellow has but one little portmanteau or bag which he can easily +shoulder, and thinks of the innumerable bags and trunks which the +married man and the father drags after him. The married Briton on +a tour is but a luggage overseer: his luggage is his morning +thought, and his nightly terror. When he floats along the Rhine he +has one eye on a ruin, and the other on his luggage. When he is in +the railroad he is always thinking, or ordered by his wife to +think, "is the luggage safe?" It clings round him. It never +leaves him (except when it DOES leave him, as a trunk or two will, +and make him doubly miserable). His carpet-bags lie on his chest +at night, and his wife's forgotten bandbox haunts his turbid +dreams. + +I think it was after she found that Lady Kicklebury proposed to go +to the "Grand Saint Antoine" that Lady Knightsbridge put herself +with her maid into a carriage and went to the other inn. We saw +her at the cathedral, where she kept aloof from our party. +Milliken went up the tower, and so did Miss Fanny. I am too old a +traveller to mount up those immeasurable stairs, for the purpose of +making myself dizzy by gazing upon a vast map of low countries +stretched beneath me, and waited with Mrs. Milliken and her mother +below. + +When the tower-climbers descended, we asked Miss Fanny and her +brother what they had seen. + +"We saw Captain Hicks up there," remarked Milliken. "And I am very +glad you didn't come, Lavinia my love. The excitement would have +been too much for you, quite too much." + +All this while Lady Kicklebury was looking at Fanny, and Fanny was +holding her eyes down; and I knew that between her and this poor +Hicks there could be nothing serious, for she had laughed at him +and mimicked him to me half a dozen times in the course of the day. + +We "do the Rubens's," as Lady Kicklebury says; we trudge from +cathedral to picture-gallery, from church to church. We see the +calm old city, with its towers and gables, the bourse, and the vast +town-hall; and I have the honor to give Lady Kicklebury my arm +during these peregrinations, and to hear a hundred particulars +regarding her ladyship's life and family. How Milliken has been +recently building at Pigeoncot; how he will have two thousand a +year more when his uncle dies; how she had peremptorily to put a +stop to the assiduities of that unprincipled young man, Lord +Roughhead, whom Lavinia always detested, and who married Miss Brent +out of sheer pique. It was a great escape for her darling Lavinia. +Roughhead is a most wild and dissipated young man, one of +Kicklebury's Christchurch friends, of whom her son has too many, +alas! and she enters into many particulars respecting the conduct +of Kicklebury--the unhappy boy's smoking, his love of billiards, +his fondness for the turf: she fears he has already injured his +income, she fears he is even now playing at Noirbourg; she is going +thither to wean him, if possible, from his companions and his +gayeties--what may not a mother effect? She only wrote to him the +day before they left London to announce that she was marching on +him with her family. He is in many respects like his poor father-- +the same openness and frankness, the same easy disposition: alas! +the same love of pleasure. But she had reformed the father, and +will do her utmost to call back her dear misguided boy. She had an +advantageous match for him in view--a lady not beautiful in person, +it is true, but possessed of every good principle, and a very, very +handsome fortune. It was under pretence of flying from this lady +that Kicklebury left town. But she knew better. + +I say young men will be young men, and sow their wild oats; and +think to myself that the invasion of his mamma will be perhaps more +surprising than pleasant to young Sir Thomas Kicklebury, and that +she possibly talks about herself and her family, and her virtues +and her daughters, a little too much: but she WILL make a confidant +of me, and all the time we are doing the Rubens's she is talking of +the pictures at Kicklebury, of her portrait by Lawrence, pronounced +to be his finest work, of Lavinia's talent for drawing, and the +expense of Fanny's music-masters; of her house in town (where she +hopes to see me); of her parties which were stopped by the illness +of her butler. She talks Kicklebury until I am sick. And oh, Miss +Fanny, all of this I endure, like an old fool, for an occasional +sight of your bright eyes and rosy face! + + +[Another parenthesis.--"We hope to see you in town, Mr. Titmarsh." +Foolish mockery! If all the people whom one has met abroad, and +who have said, "We hope to meet you often in town," had but made +any the slightest efforts to realize their hopes by sending a +simple line of invitation through the penny post, what an enormous +dinner acquaintance one would have had! But I mistrust people who +say, "We hope to see you in town."] + + +Lankin comes in at the end of the day, just before dinnertime. He +has paced the whole town by himself--church, tower, and +fortifications, and Rubens, and all. He is full of Egmont and +Alva. He is up to all the history of the siege, when Chassee +defended, and the French attacked the place. After dinner we +stroll along the quays; and over the quiet cigar in the hotel +court, Monsieur Lankin discourses about the Rubens pictures, in a +way which shows that the learned Serjeant has an eye for pictorial +beauty as well as other beauties in this world, and can rightly +admire the vast energy, the prodigal genius, the royal splendor of +the King of Antwerp. In the most modest way in the world he has +remarked a student making clever sketches at the Museum, and has +ordered a couple of copies from him of the famous Vandyke and the +wondrous adoration of the Magi, "a greater picture," says he, "than +even the cathedral picture; in which opinion those may agree who +like." He says he thinks Miss Kicklebury is a pretty little thing; +that all my swans are geese; and that as for that old woman, with +her airs and graces, she is the most intolerable old nuisance in +the world. There is much good judgment, but there is too much +sardonic humor about Lankin. He cannot appreciate women properly. +He is spoiled by being an old bachelor, and living in that dingy +old Pump Court; where, by the way, he has a cellar fit for a +Pontiff. We go to rest; they have given us humble lodgings high up +in the building, which we accept like philosophers who travel with +but a portmanteau apiece. The Kickleburys have the grand suite, as +becomes their dignity. Which, which of those twinkling lights +illumines the chamber of Miss Fanny? + +Hicks is sitting in the court too, smoking his cigar. He and +Lankin met in the fortifications. Lankin says he is a sensible +fellow, and seems to know his profession. "Every man can talk well +about something," the Serjeant says. "And one man can about +everything," says I; at which Lankin blushes; and we take our +flaring tallow candles and go to bed. He has us up an hour before +the starting time, and we have that period to admire Herr +Oberkellner, who swaggers as becomes the Oberkellner of a house +frequented by ambassadors; who contradicts us to our faces, and +whose own countenance is ornamented with yesterday's beard, of +which, or of any part of his clothing, the graceful youth does not +appear to have divested himself since last we left him. We +recognize, somewhat dingy and faded, the elaborate shirt-front +which appeared at yesterday's banquet. Farewell, Herr Oberkellner! +May we never see your handsome countenance, washed or unwashed, +shaven or unshorn, again! + +"Here come the ladies: "Good morning, Miss Fanny." I hope you +slept well, Lady Kicklebury?" "A tremendous bill?" "No wonder; +how can you expect otherwise, when you have such a bad dinner?" +Hearken to Hirsch's comminations over the luggage! Look at the +honest Belgian soldiers, and that fat Freyschutz on guard, his +rifle in one hand, and the other hand in his pocket. Captain Hicks +bursts into a laugh at the sight of the fat Freyschutz, and says, +"By Jove, Titmarsh, you must cawickachaw him." And we take our +seats at length and at leisure, and the railway trumpets blow, and +(save for a brief halt) we never stop till night, trumpeting by +green flats and pastures, by broad canals and old towns, through +Liege and Verviers, through Aix and Cologne, till we are landed at +Bonn at nightfall. + +We all have supper, or tea--we have become pretty intimate--we look +at the strangers' book, as a matter of course, in the great room of +the "Star Hotel." Why, everybody is on the Rhine! Here are the +names of half one's acquaintance. + +"I see Lord and Lady Exborough are gone on," says Lady Kicklebury, +whose eye fastens naturally on her kindred aristocracy. "Lord and +Lady Wyebridge and suite, Lady Zedland and her family." + +"Hallo! here's Cutler of the Onety-oneth, and MacMull of the +Greens, en route to Noirbourg," says Hicks, confidentially. "Know +MacMull? Devilish good fellow--such a fellow to smoke." + +Lankin, too, reads and grins. "Why, are they going the Rhenish +circuit?" he says, and reads: + +Sir Thomas Minos, Lady Minos, nebst Begleitung, aus England. + +Sir John AEacus, mit Familie und Dienerschaft, aus England. + +Sir Roger Raadamanthus. + +Thomas Smith, Serjeant. + +Serjeant Brown and Mrs. Brown, aus England. + +Serjeant Tomkins, Anglais. Madame Tomkins, Mesdemoiselles Tomkins. + +Monsieur Kewsy, Conseiller de S. M. la Reine d'Angleterre. Mrs. +Kewsy, three Miss Kewsys. + +And to this list Lankin, laughing, had put down his own name, and +that of the reader's obedient servant, under the august autograph +of Lady Kicklebury, who signed for herself, her son-in-law, and her +suite. + +Yes, we all flock the one after the other, we faithful English +folks. We can buy Harvey Sauce, and Cayenne Pepper, and Morison's +Pills, in every city in the world. We carry our nation everywhere +with us; and are in our island, wherever we go. Toto divisos orbe-- +always separated from the people in the midst of whom we are. + + +When we came to the steamer next morning, "the castled crag of +Drachenfels" rose up in the sunrise before, and looked as pink as +the cheeks of Master Jacky, when they have been just washed in the +morning. How that rosy light, too, did become Miss Fanny's pretty +dimples, to be sure! How good a cigar is at the early dawn! I +maintain that it has a flavor which it does not possess at later +hours, and that it partakes of the freshness of all Nature. And +wine, too: wine is never so good as at breakfast; only one can't +drink it, for tipsiness's sake. + +See! there is a young fellow drinking soda-water and brandy +already. He puts down his glass with a gasp of satisfaction. It +is evident that he had need of that fortifier and refresher. He +puts down the beaker and says, "How are you, Titmarsh? I was SO +cut last night. My eyes, wasn't I! Not in the least: that's all." + +It is the youthful descendant and heir of an ancient line: the +noble Earl of Grimsby's son, Viscount Talboys. He is travelling +with the Rev. Baring Leader, his tutor; who, having a great natural +turn and liking towards the aristocracy, and having inspected Lady +Kicklebury's cards on her trunks, has introduced himself to her +ladyship already, and has inquired after Sir Thomas Kicklebury, +whom he remembers perfectly, and whom he had often the happiness of +meeting when Sir Thomas was an undergraduate at Oxford. There are +few characters more amiable, and delightful to watch and +contemplate, than some of those middle-aged Oxford bucks who hang +about the university and live with the young tufts. Leader can +talk racing and boating with the fastest young Christchurch +gentleman. Leader occasionally rides to cover with Lord Talboys; +is a good shot, and seldom walks out without a setter or a spaniel +at his heels. Leader knows the "Peerage" and the "Racing Calendar" +as well as the Oxford cram-books. Leader comes up to town and +dines with Lord Grimsby. Leader goes to Court every two years. He +is the greatest swell in his common-room. He drinks claret, and +can't stand port-wine any longer; and the old fellows of his +college admire him, and pet him, and get all their knowledge of the +world and the aristocracy from him. I admire those kind old dons +when they appear affable and jaunty, men of the world, members of +the "Camford and Oxbridge Club," upon the London pavement. I like +to see them over the Morning Post in the common-room; with a "Ha, I +see Lady Rackstraw has another daughter." "Poppleton there has +been at another party at X---- House, and YOU weren't asked, my +boy."--"Lord Coverdale has got a large party staying at Coverdale. +Did you know him at Christchurch? He was a very handsome man +before he broke his nose fighting the bargeman at Iffly: a light +weight, but a beautiful sparrer," &c. Let me add that Leader, +although he does love a tuft, has a kind heart: as his mother and +sisters in Yorkshire know; as all the village knows too--which is +proud of his position in the great world, and welcomes him very +kindly when he comes down and takes the duty at Christmas, and +preaches to them one or two of "the very sermons which Lord Grimsby +was good enough to like, when I delivered them at Talboys." + +"You are not acquainted with Lord Talboys?" Leader asks, with a +degage air. "I shall have much pleasure in introducing you to him. +Talboys, let me introduce you to Lady Kicklebury. Sir Thomas +Kicklebury was not at Christchurch in your time; but you have heard +of him, I dare say. Your son has left a reputation at Oxford." + +"I should think I have, too. He walked a hundred miles in a +hundred hours. They said he bet that he'd drink a hundred pints of +beer in a hundred hours: but I don't think he could do it--not +strong beer; don't think any man could. The beer here isn't worth +a--" + +"My dear Talboys," says Leader, with a winning smile, "I suppose +Lady Kicklebury is not a judge of beer--and what an unromantic +subject of conversation here, under the castled crag immortalized +by Byron." + +"What the deuce does it mean about peasant-girls with dark blue +eyes, and hands that offer corn and wine?" asks Talboys. "I'VE +never seen any peasant-girls, except the--ugliest set of women I +ever looked at." + +"The poet's license. I see, Miliken, you are making a charming +sketch. You used to draw when you were at Brasenose, Milliken; and +play--yes, you played the violoncello." + +Mr. Milliken still possessed these accomplishments. He was taken +up that very evening by a soldier at Coblentz, for making a sketch +of Ehrenbreitstein. Mrs. Milliken sketches immensely too, and +writes poetry: such dreary pictures, such dreary poems! but +professional people are proverbially jealous; and I doubt whether +our fellow-passenger, the German, would even allow that Milliken +could play the violoncello. + +Lady Kicklebury gives Miss Fanny a nudge when Lord Talboys appears, +and orders her to exert all her fascinations. How the old lady +coaxes, and she wheedles! She pours out the Talboys' pedigree upon +him; and asks after his aunt, and his mother's family. Is he going +to Noirbourg? How delightful! There is nothing like British +spirits; and to see an English matron well set upon a young man of +large fortune and high rank, is a great and curious sight. + +And yet, somehow, the British doggedness does not always answer. +"Do you know that old woman in the drab jacket, Titmarsh?" my +hereditary legislator asks of me. "What the devil is she bothering +ME for, about my aunts, and setting her daughter at me? I ain't +such a fool as that. I ain't clever, Titmarsh; I never said I was. +I never pretend to be clever, and that--but why does that old fool +bother ME, hay? Heigho! I'm devilish thirsty. I was devilish cut +last night. I think I must have another go-off. Hallo you! +Kellner! Garsong! Ody soda, Oter petty vare do dyvee de Conac. +That's your sort; isn't it, Leader?" + +"You will speak French well enough, if you practise," says Leader +with a tender voice; "practice is everything. Shall we dine at the +table-d'hote? Waiter! put down the name of Viscount Talboys and +Mr. Leader, if you please." + +The boat is full of all sorts and conditions of men. For'ard, +there are peasants and soldiers: stumpy, placid-looking little +warriors for the most part, smoking feeble cigars and looking quite +harmless under their enormous helmets. A poor stunted dull-looking +boy of sixteen, staggering before a black-striped sentry-box, with +an enormous musket on his shoulder, does not seem to me a martial +or awe-inspiring object. Has it not been said that we carry our +prejudices everywhere, and only admire what we are accustomed to +admire in our own country? + +Yonder walks a handsome young soldier who has just been marrying a +wife. How happy they seem! and how pleased that everybody should +remark their happiness. It is a fact that in the full sunshine, +and before a couple of hundred people on board the Joseph Miller +steamer, the soldier absolutely kissed Mrs. Soldier; at which the +sweet Fanny Kicklebury was made to blush. + +We were standing together looking at the various groups: the pretty +peasant-woman (really pretty for once,) with the red head-dress and +fluttering ribbons, and the child in her arms; the jolly fat old +gentleman, who was drinking Rhine-wine before noon, and turning his +back upon all the castles, towers, and ruins, which reflected their +crumbling peaks in the water; upon the handsome young students who +came with us from Bonn, with their national colors in their caps, +with their picturesque looks, their yellow ringlets, their budding +moustaches, and with cuts upon almost every one of their noses, +obtained in duels at the university: most picturesque are these +young fellows, indeed--but ah, why need they have such black hands? + +Near us is a type, too: a man who adorns his own tale, and points +his own moral. "Yonder, in his carriage, sits the Count de +Reineck, who won't travel without that dismal old chariot, though +it is shabby, costly, and clumsy, and though the wicked red +republicans come and smoke under his very nose. Yes, Miss Fanny, +it is the lusty young Germany, pulling the nose of the worn-out old +world." + +"Law, what DO you mean, Mr. Titmarsh?" cries the dear Fanny. + +"And here comes Mademoiselle de Reineck, with her companion. You +see she is wearing out one of the faded silk gowns which she has +spoiled at the Residenz during the season: for the Reinecks are +economical, though they are proud; and forced, like many other +insolvent grandees, to do and to wear shabby things. + +"It is very kind of the young countess to call her companion +'Louise,' and to let Louise call her 'Laure;' but if faces may be +trusted,--and we can read in one countenance conceit and tyranny; +deceit and slyness in another,--dear Louise has to suffer some hard +raps from dear Laure: and, to judge from her dress, I don't think +poor Louise has her salary paid very regularly. + +"What a comfort it is to live in a country where there is neither +insolence nor bankruptcy among the great folks, nor cringing, nor +flattery among the small. Isn't it, Miss Fanny?" + +Miss Fanny says, that she can't understand whether I am joking or +serious; and her mamma calls her away to look at the ruins of +Wigginstein. Everybody looks at Wigginstein. You are told in +Murray to look at Wigginstein. + + +Lankin, who has been standing by, with a grin every now and then +upon his sardonic countenance, comes up and says, "Titmarsh, how +can you be so impertinent?" + +"Impertinent! as how?" + +"The girl must understand what you mean; and you shouldn't laugh at +her own mother to her. Did you ever see anything like the way in +which that horrible woman is following the young lord about?" + +"See! You see it every day, my dear fellow; only the trick is +better done, and Lady Kicklebury is rather a clumsy practitioner. +See! why nobody is better aware of the springes which are set to +catch him than that young fellow himself, who is as knowing as any +veteran in May Fair. And you don't suppose that Lady Kicklebury +fancies that she is doing anything mean, or anything wrong? Heaven +bless you! she never did anything wrong in her life. She has no +idea but that everything she says, and thinks, and does is right. +And no doubt she never did rob a church: and was a faithful wife to +Sir Thomas, and pays her tradesmen. Confound her virtue! It is +that which makes her so wonderful--that brass armor in which she +walks impenetrable--not knowing what pity is, or charity; crying +sometimes when she is vexed, or thwarted, but laughing never; +cringing, and domineering by the same natural instinct--never +doubting about herself above all. Let us rise, and revolt against +those people, Lankin. Let us war with them, and smite them +utterly. It is to use against these, especially, that Scorn and +Satire were invented." + +"And the animal you attack," says Lankin, "is provided with a hide +to defend him--it is a common ordinance of nature." + + +And so we pass by tower and town, and float up the Rhine. We don't +describe the river. Who does not know it? How you see people +asleep in the cabins at the most picturesque parts, and angry to be +awakened when they fire off those stupid guns for the echoes! It +is as familiar to numbers of people as Greenwich; and we know the +merits of the inns along the road as if they were the "Trafalgar" +or the "Star and Garter." How stale everything grows! If we were +to live in a garden of Eden, now, and the gate were open, we should +go out, and tramp forward, and push on, and get up early in the +morning, and push on again--anything to keep moving, anything to +get a change: anything but quiet for the restless children of Cain. + + +So many thousands of English folks have been at Rougetnoirbourg in +this and last seasons, that it is scarcely needful to alter the +name of that pretty little gay, wicked place. There were so many +British barristers there this year that they called the "Hotel des +Quatre Saisons" the "Hotel of Quarter Sessions." There were judges +and their wives, serjeants and their ladies, Queen's counsel +learned in the law, the Northern circuit and the Western circuit: +there were officers of half-pay and full-pay, military officers, +naval officers, and sheriffs' officers. There were people of high +fashion and rank, and people of no rank at all; there were men and +women of reputation, and of the two kinds of reputation; there were +English boys playing cricket; English pointers putting up the +German partridges, and English guns knocking them down; there were +women whose husbands, and men whose wives were at home; there were +High Church and Low Church--England turned out for a holiday, in a +word. How much farther shall we extend our holiday ground, and +where shall we camp next? A winter at Cairo is nothing now. +Perhaps ere long we shall be going to Saratoga Springs, and the +Americans coming to Margate for the summer. + +Apartments befitting her dignity and the number of her family had +been secured for Lady Kicklebury by her dutiful son, in the same +house in which one of Lankin's friends had secured for us much +humbler lodgings. Kicklebury received his mother's advent with a +great deal of good humor; and a wonderful figure the good-natured +little baronet was when he presented himself to his astonished +friends, scarcely recognizable by his own parent and sisters, and +the staring retainers of their house. + +"Mercy, Kicklebury! have you become a red republican?" his mother +asked. + +"I can't find a place to kiss you," said Miss Fanny, laughing to +her brother; and he gave her pretty cheek such a scrub with his red +beard, as made some folks think it would be very pleasant to be +Miss Fanny's brother. + +In the course of his travels, one of Sir Thomas Kicklebury's chief +amusements and cares had been to cultivate this bushy auburn +ornament. He said that no man could pronounce German properly +without a beard to his jaws; but he did not appear to have got much +beyond this preliminary step to learning; and, in spite of his +beard, his honest English accent came out, as his jolly English +face looked forth from behind that fierce and bristly decoration, +perfectly good-humored and unmistakable. We try our best to look +like foreigners, but we can't. Every Italian mendicant or Pont +Neuf beggar knows his Englishman in spite of blouse, and beard, and +slouched hat. "There is a peculiar high-bred grace about us," I +whisper to Lady Kicklebury, "an aristocratic je ne scais quoi, +which is not to be found in any but Englishmen; and it is that +which makes us so immensely liked and admired all over the +Continent." Well, this may be truth or joke--this may be a sneer +or a simple assertion: our vulgarities and our insolences may, +perhaps, make us as remarkable as that high breeding which we +assume to possess. It may be that the Continental society +ridicules and detests us, as we walk domineering over Europe; but, +after all, which of us would denationalize himself? who wouldn't be +an Englishman? Come, sir, cosmopolite as you are, passing all your +winters at Rome or at Paris; exiled by choice, or poverty, from +your own country; preferring easier manners, cheaper pleasures, a +simpler life: are you not still proud of your British citizenship? +and would you like to be a Frenchman? + +Kicklebury has a great acquaintance at Noirbourg, and as he walks +into the great concert-room at night, introducing his mother and +sisters there, he seemed to look about with a little anxiety, lest +all of his acquaintance should recognize him. There are some in +that most strange and motley company with whom he had rather not +exchange salutations, under present circumstances. Pleasure- +seekers from every nation in the world are here, sharpers of both +sexes, wearers of the stars and cordons of every court in Europe; +Russian princesses, Spanish grandees, Belgian, French, and English +nobles, every degree of Briton, from the ambassador, who has his +conge, to the London apprentice who has come out for his +fortnight's lark. Kicklebury knows them all, and has a good- +natured nod for each. + +"Who is that lady with the three daughters who saluted you, +Kicklebury?" asks his mother. + +"That is our Ambassadress at X., ma'am. I saw her yesterday buying +a penny toy for one of her little children in Frankfort Fair." + +Lady Kicklebury looks towards Lady X.: she makes her excellency an +undeveloped curtsy, as it were; she waves her plumed head (Lady K. +is got up in great style, in a rich dejeuner toilette, perfectly +regardless of expense); she salutes the ambassadress with a +sweeping gesture from her chair, and backs before her as before +royalty, and turns to her daughters large eyes full of meaning, and +spreads out her silks in state. + +"And who is that distinguished-looking man who just passed, and who +gave you a reserved nod?" asks her ladyship. "Is that Lord X.?" + +Kicklebury burst out laughing. "That, ma'am, is Mr. Higmore, of +Conduit Street, tailor, draper, and habit-maker: and I owe him a +hundred pound." + +"The insolence of that sort of people is really intolerable," says +Lady Kicklebury. "There MUST be some distinction of classes. They +ought not to be allowed to go everywhere. And who is yonder, that +lady with the two boys and the--the very high complexion?" Lady +Kicklebury asks. + +"That is a Russian princess: and one of those little boys, the one +who is sucking a piece of barley-sugar, plays, and wins five +hundred louis in a night." + +"Kicklebury, you do not play? Promise your mother you do not! +Swear to me at this moment you do not! Where are the horrid +gambling-rooms? There, at that door where the crowd is? Of +course, I shall never enter them!" + +"Of course not, ma'am," says the affectionate son on duty. "And if +you come to the balls here, please don't let Fanny dance with +anybody, until you ask me first: you understand. Fanny, you will +take care." + +"Yes, Tom," says Fanny. + +"What, Hicks, how are you, old fellow? How is Platts? Who would +have thought of you being here? When did you come?" + +"I had the pleasure of travelling with Lady Kicklebury and her +daughters in the London boat to Antwerp," says Captain Hicks, +making the ladies a bow. Kicklebury introduces Hicks to his mother +as his most particular friend--and he whispers Fanny that "he's as +good a fellow as ever lived, Hicks is." Fanny says, "He seems very +kind and good-natured: and--and Captain Hicks waltzes very well," +says Miss Fanny with a blush, "and I hope I may have him for one of +my partners." + +What a Babel of tongues it is in this splendid hall with gleaming +marble pillars: a ceaseless rushing whisper as if the band were +playing its music by a waterfall! The British lawyers are all got +together, and my friend Lankin, on his arrival, has been carried +off by his brother serjeants, and becomes once more a lawyer. +"Well, brother Lankin," says old Sir Thomas Minos, with his +venerable kind face, "you have got your rule, I see." And they +fall into talk about their law matters, as they always do, wherever +they are--at a club, in a ball-room, at a dinner-table, at the top +of Chimborazo. Some of the young barristers appear as bucks with +uncommon splendor, and dance and hang about the ladies. But they +have not the easy languid deuce-may-care air of the young bucks of +the Hicks and Kicklebury school--they can't put on their clothes +with that happy negligence; their neck-cloths sit quite differently +on them, somehow: they become very hot when they dance, and yet do +not spin round near so quickly as those London youths, who have +acquired experience in corpore vili, and learned to dance easily by +the practice of a thousand casinos. + +Above the Babel tongues and the clang of the music, as you listen +in the great saloon, you hear from a neighboring room a certain +sharp ringing clatter, and a hard clear voice cries out, "Zero +rouge," or " Trente-cinq noir. Impair et passe." And then there +is a pause of a couple of minutes, and then the voice says, "Faites +le jeu, Messieurs. Le jeu est fait, rien ne va plus"--and the +sharp ringing clatter recommences. You know what that room is? +That is Hades. That is where the spirited proprietor of the +establishment takes his toll, and thither the people go who pay the +money which supports the spirited proprietor of this fine palace +and gardens. Let us enter Hades, and see what is going on there. + +Hades is not an unpleasant place. Most of the people look rather +cheerful. You don't see any frantic gamblers gnashing their teeth +or dashing down their last stakes. The winners have the most +anxious faces; or the poor shabby fellows who have got systems, and +are pricking down the alternations of red and black on cards, and +don't seem to be playing at all. On fete days the country people +come in, men and women, to gamble; and THEY seem to be excited as +they put down their hard-earned florins with trembling rough hands, +and watch the turn of the wheel. But what you call the good +company is very quiet and easy. A man loses his mass of gold, and +gets up and walks off, without any particular mark of despair. The +only gentleman whom I saw at Noirbourg who seemed really affected +was a certain Count de Mustacheff, a Russian of enormous wealth, +who clenched his fists, beat his breast, cursed his stars, and +absolutely cried with grief: not for losing money, but for +neglecting to win and play upon a coup de vingt, a series in which +the red was turned up twenty times running: which series, had he +but played, it is clear that he might have broken M. Lenoir's bank, +and shut up the gambling-house, and doubled his own fortune--when +he would have been no happier, and all the balls and music, all the +newspaper-rooms and parks, all the feasting and pleasure of this +delightful Rougetnoirbourg would have been at an end. + +For though he is a wicked gambling prince, Lenoir, he is beloved in +all these regions; his establishment gives life to the town, to the +lodging-house and hotel-keepers, to the milliners and hackney- +coachmen, to the letters of horse-flesh, to the huntsmen and +gardes-de-chasse; to all these honest fiddlers and trumpeters who +play so delectably. Were Lenoir's bank to break, the whole little +city would shut up; and all the Noirbourgers wish him prosperity, +and benefit by his good fortune. + +Three years since the Noirbourgers underwent a mighty panic. There +came, at a time when the chief Lenoir was at Paris, and the reins +of government were in the hands of his younger brother, a company +of adventurers from Belgium, with a capital of three hundred +thousand francs, and an infallible system for playing rouge et +noir, and they boldly challenged the bank of Lenoir, and sat down +before his croupiers, and defied him. They called themselves in +their pride the Contrebanque de Noirbourg: they had their croupiers +and punters, even as Lenoir had his: they had their rouleaux of +Napoleons, stamped with their Contrebanquish seal:--and they began +to play. + +As when two mighty giants step out of a host and engage, the armies +stand still in expectation, and the puny privates and commonalty +remain quiet to witness the combat of the tremendous champions of +the war: so it is said that when the Contrebanque arrived, and +ranged itself before the officers of Lenoir--rouleau to rouleau, +bank-note to bank-note, war for war, controlment for controlment-- +all the minor punters and gamblers ceased their peddling play, and +looked on in silence, round the verdant plain where the great +combat was to be decided. + +Not used to the vast operations of war, like his elder brother, +Lenoir junior, the lieutenant, telegraphed to his absent chief the +news of the mighty enemy who had come down upon him, asked for +instructions, and in the meanwhile met the foe-man like a man. +The Contrebanque of Noirbourg gallantly opened its campaign. + +The Lenoir bank was defeated day after day, in numerous savage +encounters. The tactics of the Contrebanquist generals were +irresistible: their infernal system bore down everything before it, +and they marched onwards terrible and victorious as the Macedonian +phalanx. Tuesday, a loss of eighteen thousand florins; Wednesday, +a loss of twelve thousand florins; Thursday, a loss of forty +thousand florins: night after night, the young Lenoir had to +chronicle these disasters in melancholy despatches to his chief. +What was to be done? Night after night, the Noirbourgers retired +home doubtful and disconsolate; the horrid Contrebanquists gathered +up their spoils and retired to a victorious supper. How was it to +end? + +Far away at Paris, the elder Lenoir answered these appeals of his +brother by sending reinforcements of money. Chests of gold arrived +for the bank. The Prince of Noirbourg bade his beleaguered +lieutenant not to lose heart: he himself never for a moment +blenched in this trying hour of danger. + +The Contrebanquists still went on victorious. Rouleau after +rouleau fell into their possession. At last the news came: The +Emperor has joined the Grand Army. Lenoir himself had arrived from +Paris, and was once more among his children, his people. The daily +combats continued: and still, still, though Napoleon was with the +Eagles, the abominable Contrebanquists fought and conquered. And +far greater than Napoleon, as great as Ney himself under disaster, +the bold Lenoir never lost courage, never lost good-humor, was +affable, was gentle, was careful of his subjects' pleasures and +comforts, and met an adverse fortune with a dauntless smile. + +With a devilish forbearance and coolness, the atrocious +Contrebanque--like Polyphemus, who only took one of his prisoners +out of the cave at a time, and so ate them off at leisure--the +horrid Contrebanquists, I say, contented themselves with winning so +much before dinner, and so much before supper--say five thousand +florins for each meal. They played and won at noon: they played +and won at eventide. They of Noirbourg went home sadly every +night: the invader was carrying all before him. What must have +been the feelings of the great Lenoir? What were those of +Washington before Trenton, when it seemed all up with the cause of +American Independence; what those of the virgin Elizabeth, when +the Armada was signalled; what those of Miltiades, when the +multitudinous Persian bore down on Marathon? The people looked on +at the combat, and saw their chieftain stricken, bleeding, fallen, +fighting still. + +At last there came one day when the Contrebanquists had won their +allotted sum, and were about to leave the tables which they had +swept so often. But pride and lust of gold had seized upon the +heart of one of their vainglorious chieftains; and he said, "Do not +let us go yet--let us win a thousand florins more!" So they stayed +and set the bank yet a thousand florins. The Noirbourgers looked +on, and trembled for their prince. + +Some three hours afterwards--a shout, a mighty shout was heard +around the windows of that palace: the town, the gardens, the +hills, the fountains took up and echoed the jubilant acclaim. Hip, +hip, hip, hurrah, hurrah, hurrah! People rushed into each other's +arms; men, women, and children cried and kissed each other. +Croupiers, who never feel, who never tremble, who never care +whether black wins or red loses, took snuff from each other's +boxes, and laughed for joy; and Lenoir the dauntless, the +INVINCIBLE Lenoir, wiped the drops of perspiration from his calm +forehead, as he drew the enemy's last rouleau into his till. He +had conquered. The Persians were beaten, horse and foot--the +Armada had gone down. Since Wellington shut up his telescope at +Waterloo, when the Prussians came charging on to the field, and the +Guard broke and fled, there had been no such heroic endurance, such +utter defeat, such signal and crowning victory. Vive Lenoir! I am +a Lenoirite. I have read his newspapers, strolled in his gardens, +listened to his music, and rejoice in his victory: I am glad he +beat those Contrebanquists. Dissipati sunt. The game is up with +them. + + +The instances of this man's magnanimity are numerous, and worthy of +Alexander the Great, or Harry the Fifth, or Robin Hood. Most +gentle is he, and thoughtful to the poor, and merciful to the +vanquished. When Jeremy Diddler, who had lost twenty pounds at his +table, lay in inglorious pawn at his inn--when O'Toole could not +leave Noirbourg until he had received his remittances from Ireland-- +the noble Lenoir paid Diddler's inn bill, advanced O'Toole money +upon his well-known signature, franked both of them back to their +native country again; and has never, wonderful to state, been paid +from that day to this. If you will go play at his table, you may; +but nobody forces you. If you lose, pay with a cheerful heart. +Dulce est desipere in loco. This is not a treatise of morals. +Friar Tuck was not an exemplary ecclesiastic, nor Robin Hood a +model man; but he was a jolly outlaw; and I dare say the Sheriff of +Nottingham, whose money he took, rather relished his feast at +Robin's green table. + +And if you lose, worthy friend, as possibly you will, at Lenoir's +pretty games, console yourself by thinking that it is much better +for you in the end that you should lose, than that you should win. +Let me, for my part, make a clean breast of it, and own that your +humble servant did, on one occasion, win a score of Napoleons; and +beginning with a sum of no less than five shillings. But until I +had lost them again I was so feverish, excited, and uneasy, that I +had neither delectation in reading the most exciting French novels, +nor pleasure in seeing pretty landscapes, nor appetite for dinner. +The moment, however, that graceless money was gone, equanimity was +restored: Paul Feval and Eugene Sue began to be terrifically +interesting again; and the dinners at Noirbourg, though by no means +good culinary specimens, were perfectly sufficient for my easy and +tranquil mind. Lankin, who played only a lawyer's rubber at whist, +marked the salutary change in his friend's condition; and, for my +part, I hope and pray that every honest reader of this volume who +plays at M. Lenoir's table will lose every shilling of his winnings +before he goes away. Where are the gamblers whom we have read of? +Where are the card-players whom we can remember in our early days? +At one time almost every gentleman played, and there were whist- +tables in every lady's drawing-room. But trumps are going out +along with numbers of old-world institutions; and, before very +long, a blackleg will be as rare an animal as a knight in armor. + +There was a little dwarfish, abortive, counter bank set up at +Noirbourg this year: but the gentlemen soon disagreed among +themselves; and, let us hope, were cut off in detail by the great +Lenoir. And there was a Frenchman at our inn who had won two +Napoleons per day for the last six weeks, and who had an infallible +system, whereof he kindly offered to communicate the secret for the +consideration of a hundred louis; but there came one fatal night +when the poor Frenchman's system could not make head against +fortune, and her wheel went over him, and he disappeared utterly. + + +With the early morning everybody rises and makes his or her +appearance at the Springs, where they partake of water with a +wonderful energy and perseverance. They say that people get to be +fond of this water at last; as to what tastes cannot men accustom +themselves? I drank a couple of glasses of an abominable sort of +feeble salts in a state of very gentle effervescence; but, though +there was a very pretty girl who served it, the drink was +abominable, and it was a marvel to see the various topers, who +tossed off glass after glass, which the fair-haired little Hebe +delivered sparkling from the well. + +Seeing my wry faces, old Captain Carver expostulated, with a jolly +twinkle of his eye, as he absorbed the contents of a sparkling +crystal beaker. "Pooh! take another glass, sir: you'll like it +better and better every day. It refreshes you, sir: it fortifies +you: and as for liking it--gad! I remember the time when I didn't +like claret. Times are altered now, ha! ha! Mrs. Fantail, madam, +I wish you a very good morning. How is Fantail? He don't come to +drink the water: so much the worse for him." + +To see Mrs. Fantail of an evening is to behold a magnificent sight. +She ought to be shown in a room by herself; and, indeed, would +occupy a moderate-sized one with her person and adornments. Marie +Antoinette's hoop is not bigger than Mrs. Fantail's flounces. +Twenty men taking hands (and, indeed, she likes to have at least +that number about her) would scarcely encompass her. Her chestnut +ringlets spread out in a halo round her face: she must want two or +three coiffeurs to arrange that prodigious head-dress; and then, +when it is done, how can she endure that extraordinary gown? Her +travelling bandboxes must be as large as omnibuses. + +But see Mrs. Fantail in the morning, having taken in all sail: the +chestnut curls have disappeared, and two limp bands of brown hair +border her lean, sallow face; you see before you an ascetic, a nun, +a woman worn by mortifications, of a sad yellow aspect, drinking +salts at the well: a vision quite different from that rapturous one +of the previous night's ball-room. No wonder Fantail does not come +out of a morning; he had rather not see such a Rebecca at the well. + +Lady Kicklebury came for some mornings pretty regularly, and was +very civil to Mr. Leader, and made Miss Fanny drink when his +lordship took a cup, and asked Lord Talboys and his tutor to +dinner. But the tutor came, and, blushing, brought an excuse from +Talboys; and poor Milliken had not a very pleasant evening after +Mr. Baring Leader rose to go away. + +But though the water was not good the sun was bright, the music +cheery, the landscape fresh and pleasant, and it was always amusing +to see the vast varieties of our human species that congregated at +the Springs, and trudged up and down the green allees. One of the +gambling conspirators of the roulette-table it was good to see +here, in his private character, drinking down pints of salts like +any other sinner, having a homely wife on his arm, and between them +a poodle on which they lavished their tenderest affection. You see +these people care for other things besides trumps; and are not +always thinking about black and red:--as even ogres are represented, +in their histories, as of cruel natures, and licentious appetites, +and, to be sure, fond of eating men and women; but yet it appears +that their wives often respected them, and they had a sincere liking +for their own hideous children. And, besides the card-players, +there are band-players: every now and then a fiddle from the +neighboring orchestra, or a disorganized bassoon, will step down and +drink a glass of the water, and jump back into his rank again. + +Then come the burly troops of English, the honest lawyers, +merchants, and gentlemen, with their wives and buxom daughters, and +stout sons, that, almost grown to the height of manhood, are boys +still, with rough wide-awake hats and shooting-jackets, full of +lark and laughter. A French boy of sixteen has had des passions +ere that time, very likely, and is already particular in his dress, +an ogler of the women, and preparing to kill. Adolphe says to +Alphonse--"La voila cette charmante Miss Fanni, la belle +Kickleburi! je te donne ma parole, elle est fraiche comme une rose! +la crois-tu riche, Alphonse?" "Je me range, mon ami, vois-tu? La +vie de garcon me pese. Ma parole d'honneur! je me range." + +And he gives Miss Fanny a killing bow, and a glance which seems to +say, "Sweet Anglaise, I know that I have won your heart." + +Then besides the young French buck, whom we will willingly suppose +harmless, you see specimens of the French raff, who goes aux eaux: +gambler, speculator, sentimentalist, duellist, travelling with +madame his wife, at whom other raffs nod and wink familiarly. This +rogue is much more picturesque and civilized than the similar +person in our own country: whose manners betray the stable; who +never reads anything but Bell's Life; and who is much more at ease +in conversing with a groom than with his employer. Here come Mr. +Boucher and Mr. Fowler: better to gamble for a score of nights with +honest Monsieur Lenoir, than to sit down in private once with those +gentlemen. But we have said that their profession is going down, +and the number of Greeks daily diminishes. They are travelling +with Mr. Bloundell, who was a gentleman once, and still retains +about him some faint odor of that time of bloom; and Bloundell has +put himself on young Lord Talboys, and is trying to get some money +out of that young nobleman. But the English youth of the present +day is a wide-awake youth, and male or female artifices are +expended pretty much in vain on our young travelling companion. + +Who come yonder? Those two fellows whom we met at the table-d'hote +at the "Hotel de Russie" the other day: gentlemen of splendid +costume, and yet questionable appearances, the eldest of whom +called for the list of wines, and cried out loud enough for all the +company to hear, "Lafite, six florins. 'Arry, shall we have some +Lafite? You don't mind? No more do I then. I say, waiter, let's +'ave a pint of ordinaire." Truth is stranger than fiction. You +good fellow, wherever you are, why did you ask 'Arry to 'ave that +pint of ordinaire in the presence of your obedient servant? How +could he do otherwise than chronicle the speech? + +And see: here is a lady who is doubly desirous to be put into +print, who encourages it and invites it. It appears that on +Lankin's first arrival at Noirbourg with his travelling companion, +a certain sensation was created in the little society by the rumor +that an emissary of the famous Mr. Punch had arrived in the place; +and, as we were smoking the cigar of peace on the lawn after +dinner, looking on at the benevolent, pretty scene, Mrs. Hopkins, +Miss Hopkins, and the excellent head of the family, walked many +times up and down before us; eyed us severely face to face, and +then walking away, shot back fierce glances at us in the Parthian +manner; and at length, at the third or fourth turn, and when we +could not but overhear so fine a voice, Mrs. Hopkins looks at us +steadily, and says, "I'm sure he may put ME in if he likes: I don't +mind." + +Oh, ma'am! Oh, Mrs. Hopkins! how should a gentleman, who had never +seen your face or heard of you before, want to put YOU in? What +interest can the British public have in you? But as you wish it, +and court publicity, here you are. Good luck go with you, madam. +I have forgotten your real name, and should not know you again if I +saw you. But why could not you leave a man to take his coffee and +smoke his pipe in quiet? + +We could never have time to make a catalogue of all the portraits +that figure in this motley gallery. Among the travellers in +Europe, who are daily multiplying in numbers and increasing in +splendor, the United States' dandies must not be omitted. They +seem as rich as the Milor of old days; they crowd in European +capitals; they have elbowed out people of the old country from many +hotels which we used to frequent; they adopt the French fashion of +dressing rather than ours, and they grow handsomer beards than +English beards: as some plants are found to flourish and shoot up +prodigiously when introduced into a new soil. The ladies seem to +be as well dressed as Parisians, and as handsome; though somewhat +more delicate, perhaps, than the native English roses. They drive +the finest carriages, they keep the grandest houses, they frequent +the grandest company--and, in a word, the Broadway Swell has now +taken his station and asserted his dignity amongst the grandees of +Europe. He is fond of asking Count Reineck to dinner, and Grafinn +Laura will condescend to look kindly upon a gentleman who has +millions of dollars. Here comes a pair of New Yorkers. Behold +their elegant curling beards, their velvet coats, their delicate +primrose gloves and cambric handkerchiefs, and the aristocratic +beauty of their boots. Why, if you had sixteen quarterings, you +could not have smaller feet than those; and if you were descended +from a line of kings you could not smoke better or bigger cigars. + +Lady Kicklebury deigns to think very well of these young men, since +she has seen them in the company of grandees and heard how rich +they are. "Who is that very stylish-looking woman, to whom Mr. +Washington Walker spoke just now?" she asks of Kicklebury. + +Kicklebury gives a twinkle of his eye. "Oh, that, mother! that is +Madame La Princesse de Mogador--it's a French title." + +"She danced last night, and danced exceedingly well; I remarked +her. There's a very high-bred grace about the princess." + +"Yes, exceedingly. We'd better come on," says Kicklebury, blushing +rather as he returns the princess's nod. + +It is wonderful how large Kicklebury's acquaintance is. He has a +word and a joke, in the best German he can muster, for everybody-- +for the high well-born lady, as for the German peasant maiden, or +the pretty little washerwoman, who comes full sail down the +streets, a basket on her head and one of Mrs. Fantail's wonderful +gowns swelling on each arm. As we were going to the Schloss-Garten +I caught a sight of the rogue's grinning face yesterday, close at +little Gretel's ear under her basket; but spying out his mother +advancing, he dashed down a bystreet, and when we came up with her, +Gretel was alone. + +One but seldom sees the English and the holiday visitors in the +ancient parts of Noirbourg; they keep to the streets of new +buildings and garden villas, which have sprung up under the magic +influence of M. Lenoir, under the white towers and gables of the +old German town. The Prince of Trente et Quarante has quite +overcome the old serene sovereign of Noirbourg, whom one cannot +help fancying a prince like a prince in a Christmas pantomime--a +burlesque prince with twopence-halfpenny for a revenue, jolly and +irascible, a prime-minister-kicking prince, fed upon fabulous plum- +puddings and enormous pasteboard joints, by cooks and valets with +large heads which never alter their grin. Not that this portrait +is from the life. Perhaps he has no life. Perhaps there is no +prince in the great white tower, that we see for miles before we +enter the little town. Perhaps he has been mediatized, and sold +his kingdom to Monsieur Lenoir. Before the palace of Lenoir there +is a grove of orange-trees in tubs, which Lenoir bought from +another German prince; who went straightway and lost the money, +which he had been paid for his wonderful orange-trees, over +Lenoir's green tables, at his roulette and trente-et-quarante. A +great prince is Lenoir in his way; a generous and magnanimous +prince. You may come to his feast and pay nothing, unless you +please. You may walk in his gardens, sit in his palace, and read +his thousand newspapers. You may go and play at whist in his small +drawing-rooms, or dance and hear concerts in his grand saloon--and +there is not a penny to pay. His fiddlers and trumpeters begin +trumpeting and fiddling for you at the early dawn--they twang and +blow for you in the afternoon, they pipe for you at night that you +may dance--and there is nothing to pay--Lenoir pays for all. Give +him but the chances of the table, and he will do all this and more. +It is better to live under Prince Lenoir than a fabulous old German +Durchlaucht whose cavalry ride wicker horses with petticoats, and +whose prime minister has a great pasteboard head. Vive le Prince +Lenoir! + +There is a grotesque old carved gate to the palace of the +Durchlaucht, from which you could expect none but a pantomime +procession to pass. The place looks asleep; the courts are grass- +grown and deserted. Is the Sleeping Beauty lying yonder, in the +great white tower? What is the little army about? It seems a sham +army: a sort of grotesque military. The only charge of infantry +was this: one day when passing through the old town, looking for +sketches. Perhaps they become croupiers at night. What can such a +fabulous prince want with anything but a sham army? My favorite +walk was in the ancient quarter of the town--the dear old fabulous +quarter, away from the noisy actualities of life and Prince +Lenoir's new palace--out of eye and earshot of the dandies and the +ladies in their grand best clothes at the promenades--and the +rattling whirl of the roulette wheel--and I liked to wander in the +glum old gardens under the palace wall, and imagine the Sleeping +Beauty within there. + +Some one persuaded us one day to break the charm, and see the +interior of the palace. I am sorry we did. There was no Sleeping +Beauty in any chamber that we saw; nor any fairies, good or +malevolent. There was a shabby set of clean old rooms, which +looked as if they had belonged to a prince hard put to it for +money, and whose tin crown jewels would not fetch more than King +Stephen's pantaloons. A fugitive prince, a brave prince struggling +with the storms of fate, a prince in exile may be poor; but a +prince looking out of his own palace windows with a dressing-gown +out at elbows, and dunned by his subject washerwoman--I say this is +a painful object. When they get shabby they ought not to be seen. +"Don't you think so, Lady Kicklebury?" Lady Kicklebury evidently +had calculated the price of the carpets and hangings, and set them +justly down at a low figure. "These German princes," she said, +"are not to be put on a level with English noblemen." "Indeed," we +answer, "there is nothing so perfect as England: nothing so good as +our aristocracy; nothing so perfect as our institutions." +"Nothing! NOTHING!" says Lady K. + +An English princess was once brought to reign here; and almost the +whole of the little court was kept upon her dowry. The people +still regard her name fondly; and they show, at the Schloss, the +rooms which she inhabited. Her old books are still there--her old +furniture brought from home; the presents and keepsakes sent by her +family are as they were in the princess's lifetime: the very clock +has the name of a Windsor maker on its face; and portraits of all +her numerous race decorate the homely walls of the now empty +chambers. There is the benighted old king, his beard hanging down +to the star on his breast; and the first gentleman of Europe--so +lavish of his portrait everywhere, and so chary of showing his +royal person--all the stalwart brothers of the now all but extinct +generation are there; their quarrels and their pleasures, their +glories and disgraces, enemies, flatterers, detractors, admirers-- +all now buried. Is it not curious to think that the King of Trumps +now virtually reigns in this place, and has deposed the other +dynasty? + +Very early one morning, wishing to have a sketch of the White Tower +in which our English princess had been imprisoned, I repaired to +the gardens, and set about a work, which, when completed, will no +doubt have the honor of a place on the line at the Exhibition; and, +returning homewards to breakfast, musing upon the strange fortunes +and inhabitants of the queer, fantastic, melancholy place, behold, +I came suddenly upon a couple of persons, a male and a female; the +latter of whom wore a blue hood or "ugly," and blushed very much on +seeing me. The man began to laugh behind his moustaches, the which +cachinnation was checked by an appealing look from the young lady; +and he held out his hand and said, "How d'ye do, Titmarsh? Been +out making some cawickachaws, hay?" + +I need not say that the youth before me was the heavy dragoon, and +that the maiden was Miss Fanny Kicklebury. Or need I repeat that, +in the course of my blighted being, I never loved a young gazelle +to glad me with its dark blue eye, but when it came to, &c., the +usual disappointment, was sure to ensue? There is no necessity why +I should allude to my feelings at this most manifest and outrageous +case. I gave a withering glance of scorn at the pair, and, with a +stately salutation, passed on. + +Miss Fanny came tripping after me. She held out her little hand +with such a pretty look of deprecation, that I could not but take +it; and she said, "Mr. Titmarsh, if you please, I want to speak to +you, if you please;" and, choking with emotion, I bade her speak +on. + +"My brother knows all about it, and, highly approves of Captain +Hicks," she said, with her head hanging down; "and oh, he's very +good and kind: and I know him MUCH better now, than I did when we +were on board the steamer." + +I thought how I had mimicked him, and what an ass I had been. + +"And you know," she continued, "that you have quite deserted me for +the last ten days for your great acquaintances." + +"I have been to play chess with Lord Knightsbridge, who has the +gout." + +"And to drink tea constantly with that American lady; and you have +written verses in her album; and in Lavinia's album; and as I saw +that you had quite thrown me off, why I--my brother approves of it +highly; and--and Captain Hicks likes you very much, and says you +amuse him very much--indeed he does," says the arch little wretch. +And then she added a postscript, as it were to her letter, which +contained, as usual, the point which she wished to urge:-- + +"You--won't break it to mamma--will you be so kind? My brother +will do that"--and I promised her; and she ran away, kissing her +hand to me. And I did not say a word to Lady Kicklebury, and not +above a thousand people at Noirbourg knew that Miss Kicklebury and +Captain Hicks were engaged. + + +And now let those who are too confident of their virtue listen to +the truthful and melancholy story which I have to relate, and +humble themselves, and bear in mind that the most perfect among us +are occasionally liable to fall. Kicklebury was not perfect,--I do +not defend his practice. He spent a great deal more time and money +than was good for him at M. Lenoir's gaming-table, and the only +thing which the young fellow never lost was his good humor. If +Fortune shook her swift wings and fled away from him, he laughed at +the retreating pinions, and you saw him dancing and laughing as +gayly after losing a rouleau, as if he was made of money, and +really had the five thousand a year which his mother said was the +amount of the Kicklebury property. But when her ladyship's +jointure, and the young ladies' allowances, and the interest of +mortgages were paid out of the five thousand a year, I grieve to +say that the gallant Kicklebury's income was to be counted by +hundreds and not by thousands; so that, for any young lady who +wants a carriage (and who can live without one?) our friend the +baronet is not a desirable specimen of bachelors. Now, whether it +was that the presence of his mamma interrupted his pleasures, or +certain of her ways did not please him, or that he had lost all his +money at roulette and could afford no more, certain it is, that +after about a fortnight's stay at Noirbourg, he went off to shoot +with Count Einhorn in Westphalia; he and Hicks parting the dearest +of friends, and the baronet going off on a pony which the captain +lent to him. Between him and Millikin, his brother-in-law, there +was not much sympathy: for he pronounced Mr. Milliken to be what is +called a muff; and had never been familiar with his elder sister +Lavinia, of whose poems he had a mean opinion, and who used to +tease and worry him by teaching him French, and telling tales of +him to his mamma, when he was a schoolboy home for the holidays. +Whereas, between the baronet and Miss Fanny there seemed to be the +closest affection: they walked together every morning to the +waters; they joked and laughed with each other as happily as +possible. Fanny was almost ready to tell fibs to screen her +brother's malpractices from her mamma: she cried when she heard of +his mishaps, and that he had lost too much money at the green +table; and when Sir Thomas went away, the good little soul brought +him five louis; which was all the money she had: for you see she +paid her mother handsomely for her board; and when her little +gloves and milliner's bills were settled how much was there left +out of two hundred a year? And she cried when she heard that Hicks +had lent Sir Thomas money, and went up and said, "Thank you, +Captain Hicks;" and shook hands with the captain so eagerly, that I +thought he was a lucky fellow, who had a father a wealthy attorney +in Bedford Row. Heighho! I saw how matters were going. The birds +MUST sing in the spring-time, and the flowers bud. + +Mrs. Milliken, in her character of invalid, took the advantage of +her situation to have her husband constantly about her, reading to +her, or fetching the doctor to her, or watching her whilst she was +dozing, and so forth; and Lady Kicklebury found the life which this +pair led rather more monotonous than that sort of existence which +she liked, and would leave them alone with Fanny (Captain Hicks not +uncommonly coming in to take tea with the three), whilst her +ladyship went to the Redoute to hear the music, or read the papers, +or play a game of whist there. + +The newspaper-room at Noirbourg is next to the roulette-room, into +which the doors are always open; and Lady K. would come, with +newspaper in hand, into this play-room, sometimes, and look on at +the gamesters. I have mentioned a little Russian boy, a little imp +with the most mischievous intelligence and good humor in his face, +who was suffered by his parents to play as much as he chose, and +who pulled bonbons out of one pocket and Napoleons out of the +other, and seemed to have quite a diabolical luck at the table. + +Lady Kicklebury's terror and interest at seeing this boy were +extreme. She watched him and watched him, and he seemed always to +win; and at last her ladyship put down just a florin--only just one +florin--on one of the numbers at roulette which the little Russian +imp was backing. Number twenty-seven came up, and the croupiers +flung over three gold pieces and five florins to Lady Kicklebury, +which she raked up with a trembling hand. + +She did not play any more that night, but sat in the playroom, +pretending to read the Times newspaper; but you could see her eye +peering over the sheet, and always fixed on the little imp of a +Russian. He had very good luck that night, and his winning made +her very savage. As he retired, rolling his gold pieces into his +pocket and sucking his barley-sugar, she glared after him with +angry eyes; and went home, and scolded everybody, and had no sleep. +I could hear her scolding. Our apartments in the Tissisch House +overlooked Lady Kicklebury's suite of rooms: the great windows were +open in the autumn. Yes; I could hear her scolding, and see some +other people sitting whispering in the embrasure, or looking out on +the harvest moon. + +The next evening, Lady Kicklebury shirked away from the concert; +and I saw her in the play-room again, going round and round the +table; and, lying in ambush behind the Journal des Debats, I marked +how, after looking stealthily round, my lady whipped a piece of +money under the croupier's elbow, and (there having been no coin +there previously) I saw a florin on the Zero. + +She lost that, and walked away. Then she came back and put down +two florins on a number, and lost again, and became very red and +angry; then she retreated, and came back a third time, and a seat +being vacated by a player, Lady Kicklebury sat down at the verdant +board. Ah me! She had a pretty good evening, and carried off a +little money again that night. The next day was Sunday: she gave +two florins at the collection at church, to Fanny's surprise at +mamma's liberality. On this night of course there was no play. +Her ladyship wrote letters, and read a sermon. + +But the next night she was back at the table; and won very +plentifully, until the little Russian sprite made his appearance, +when it seemed that her luck changed. She began to bet upon him, +and the young Calmuck lost too. Her ladyship's temper went along +with her money: first she backed the Calmuck, and then she played +against him. When she played against him, his luck turned; and he +began straightway to win. She put on more and more money as she +lost: her winnings went: gold came out of secret pockets. She had +but a florin left at last, and tried it on a number, and failed. +She got up to go away. I watched her, and I watched Mr. Justice +Aeacus, too, who put down a Napoleon when he thought nobody was +looking. + +The next day my Lady Kicklebury walked over to the money-changers, +where she changed a couple of circular notes. She was at the table +that night again: and the next night, and the next night, and the +next. + +By about the fifth day she was like a wild woman. She scolded so, +that Hirsch, the courier, said he should retire from monsieur's +service, as he was not hired by Lady Kicklebury: that Bowman gave +warning, and told another footman in the building that he wouldn't +stand the old cat no longer, blow him if he would: that the maid +(who was a Kicklebury girl) and Fanny cried: and that Mrs. +Milliken's maid, Finch, complained to her mistress, who ordered her +husband to remonstrate with her mother. Milliken remonstrated with +his usual mildness, and, of course, was routed by her ladyship. +Mrs. Milliken said, "Give me the daggers," and came to her +husband's rescue. A battle royal ensued; the scared Milliken +hanging about his blessed Lavinia, and entreating and imploring her +to be calm. Mrs. Milliken WAS calm. She asserted her dignity as +mistress of her own family: as controller of her own household, as +wife of her adored husband; and she told her mamma, that with her +or here she must not interfere; that she knew her duty as a child: +but that she also knew it as a wife, as a-- The rest of the +sentence was drowned, as Milliken, rushing to her, called her his +soul's angel, his adored blessing. + +Lady Kicklebury remarked that Shakspeare was very right in stating +how much sharper than a thankless tooth it is to have a serpent +child. + +Mrs. Milliken said, the conversation could not be carried on in +this manner: that it was best her mamma should now know, once for +all, that the way in which she assumed the command at Pigeoncot was +intolerable; that all the servants had given warning, and it was +with the greatest difficulty they could be soothed: and that, as +their living together only led to quarrels and painful +recriminations (the calling her, after her forbearance, A SERPENT +CHILD, was an expression which she would hope to forgive and +forget,) they had better part. + +Lady Kicklebury wears a front, and, I make no doubt, a complete +jasey; or she certainly would have let down her back hair at this +minute, so overpowering were her feelings, and so bitter her +indignation at her daughter's black ingratitude. She intimated +some of her sentiments, by ejaculatory conjurations of evil. She +hoped her daughter might NOT feel what ingratitude was; that SHE +might never have children to turn on her and bring her to the grave +with grief. + +"Bring me to the grave with fiddlestick!" Mrs. Milliken said with +some asperity. "And, as we are going to part, mamma, and as Horace +has paid EVERYTHING on the journey as yet, and we have only brought +a VERY few circular notes with us, perhaps you will have the +kindness to give him your share of the travelling expenses--for +you, for Fanny, and your two servants whom you WOULD bring with +you: and the man has only been a perfect hindrance and great +useless log, and our courier has had to do EVERYTHING. Your share +is now eighty-two pounds." + +Lady Kicklebury at this gave three screams, so loud that even the +resolute Lavinia stopped in her speech. Her ladyship looked +wildly: "Lavinia! Horace! Fanny my child," she said, "come here, +and listen to your mother's shame." + +"What?" cried Horace, aghast. + +"I am ruined! I am a beggar! Yes; a beggar. I have lost all--all +at yonder dreadful table." + +"How do you mean all? How much is all?" asked Horace. + +"All the money I brought with me, Horace. I intended to have paid +the whole expenses of the journey: yours, this ungrateful child's-- +everything. But, a week ago, having seen a lovely baby's lace +dress at the lace-shop; and--and--won enough at wh--wh--whoo--ist +to pay for it, all but two--two florins--in an evil moment I went +to the roulette-table--and lost--every shilling: and now, on may +knees before you, I confess my shame." + +I am not a tragic painter, and certainly won't attempt to depict +THIS harrowing scene. But what could she mean by saying she wished +to pay everything? She had but two twenty-pound notes: and how she +was to have paid all the expenses of the tour with that small sum, +I cannot conjecture. + +The confession, however, had the effect of mollifying poor Milliken +and his wife: after the latter had learned that her mamma had no +money at all at her London bankers', and had overdrawn her account +there, Lavinia consented that Horace should advance her fifty +pounds upon her ladyship's solemn promise of repayment. + +And now it was agreed that this highly respectable lady should +return to England, quick as she might: somewhat sooner than all the +rest of the public did; and leave Mr. and Mrs. Horace Milliken +behind her, as the waters were still considered highly salutary to +that most interesting invalid. And to England Lady Kicklebury +went; taking advantage of Lord Talboys' return thither to place +herself under his lordship's protection; as if the enormous Bowman +was not protector sufficient for her ladyship; and as if Captain +Hicks would have allowed any mortal man, any German student, any +French tourist, any Prussian whiskerando, to do a harm to Miss +Fanny! For though Hicks is not a brilliant or poetical genius, I +am bound to say that the fellow has good sense, good manners, and a +good heart; and with these qualities, a competent sum of money, and +a pair of exceedingly handsome moustaches, perhaps the poor little +Mrs. Launcelot Hicks may be happy. + + +No accident befell Lady Kicklebury on her voyage homewards: but she +got one more lesson at Aix-la-Chapelle, which may serve to make her +ladyship more cautious for the future: for, seeing Madame la +Princesse de Mogador enter into a carriage on the railway, into +which Lord Talboys followed, nothing would content Lady Kicklebury +but to rush into the carriage after this noble pair; and the +vehicle turned out to be what is called on the German lines, and +what I wish were established in England, the Rauch Coupe. Having +seated himself in this vehicle, and looked rather sulkily at my +lady, Lord Talboys began to smoke: which, as the son of an English +earl, heir to many thousands per annum, Lady Kicklebury permitted +him to do. And she introduced herself to Madame la Princesse de +Mogador, mentioning to her highness that she had the pleasure of +meeting Madame la Princesse at Rougetnoirbourg; that she, Lady K., +was the mother of the Chevalier de Kicklebury, who had the +advantage of the acquaintance of Madame la Princesse; and that she +hoped Madame la Princesse had enjoyed her stay at the waters. To +these advances the Princess of Mogador returned a gracious and +affable salutation, exchanging glances of peculiar meaning with two +highly respectable bearded gentlemen who travelled in her suite; +and, when asked by milady whereabouts her highness's residence was +at Paris, said that her hotel was in the Rue Notre Dame de Lorette: +where Lady Kicklebury hoped to have the honor of waiting upon +Madame la Princesse de Mogador. + +But when one of the bearded gentlemen called the princess by the +familiar name of Fifine, and the other said, "Veux-tu fumer, +Mogador?" and the princess actually took a cigar and began to +smoke, Lady Kicklebury was aghast, and trembled; and presently Lord +Talboys burst into a loud fit of laughter. + +"What is the cause of your lordship's amusement?" asked the +dowager, looking very much frightened, and blushing like a maiden +of sixteen. + +"Excuse me, Lady Kicklebury, but I can't help it," he said. +"You've been talking to your opposite neighbor--she don't +understand a word of English--and calling her princess and +highness, and she's no more a princess than you or I. She is a +little milliner in the street she mentioned, and she dances at +Mabille and Chateau Rouge." + +Hearing these two familiar names, the princess looked hard at Lord +Talboys, but he never lost countenance; and at the next station +Lady Kicklebury rushed out of the smoking-carriage and returned to +her own place; where, I dare say, Captain Hicks and Miss Fanny were +delighted once more to have the advantage of her company and +conversation. And so they went back to England, and the +Kickleburys were no longer seen on the Rhine. If her ladyship is +not cured of hunting after great people, it will not be for want of +warning: but which of us in life has not had many warnings: and is +it for lack of them that we stick to our little failings still? + + +When the Kickleburys were gone, that merry little Rougetnoirbourg +did not seem the same place to me, somehow. The sun shone still, +but the wind came down cold from the purple hills; the band played, +but their tunes were stale; the promenaders paced the alleys, but I +knew all their faces: as I looked out of my windows in the Tissisch +house upon the great blank casements lately occupied by the +Kickleburys, and remembered what a pretty face I had seen looking +thence but a few days back, I cared not to look any longer; and +though Mrs. Milliken did invite me to tea, and talked fine arts and +poetry over the meal, both the beverage and the conversation seemed +very weak and insipid to me, and I fell asleep once in my chair +opposite that highly cultivated being. "Let us go back, Lankin," +said I to the Serjeant, and he was nothing loth; for most of the +other serjeants, barristers, and Queen's counsel were turning +homewards, by this time, the period of term time summoning them all +to the Temple. + + +So we went straight one day to Biberich on the Rhine, and found the +little town full of Britons, all trooping home like ourselves. +Everybody comes, and everybody goes away again, at about the same +time. The Rhine innkeepers say that their customers cease with a +single day almost:--that in three days they shall have ninety, +eighty, a hundred guests; on the fourth, ten or eight. We do as +our neighbors do. Though we don't speak to each other much when we +are out a-pleasuring, we take our holiday in common, and go back to +our work in gangs. Little Biberich was so full, that Lankin and I +could not get rooms at the large inns frequented by other persons +of fashion, and could only procure a room between us, "at the +German House, where you find English comfort," says the +advertisement, "with German prices." + +But oh, the English comfort of those beds! How did Lankin manage +in his, with his great long legs? How did I toss and tumble in +mine; which, small as it was, I was not destined to enjoy alone, +but to pass the night in company with anthropophagous wretched +reptiles, who took their horrid meal off an English Christian! I +thought the morning would never come; and when the tardy dawn at +length arrived, and as I was in my first sleep, dreaming of Miss +Fanny, behold I was wakened up by the Serjeant, already dressed and +shaven, and who said, "Rise, Titmarsh, the steamer will be here in +three-quarters of an hour." And the modest gentleman retired, and +left me to dress. + + +The next morning we had passed by the rocks and towers, the old +familiar landscapes, the gleaming towns by the riverside, and the +green vineyards combed along the hills, and when I woke up, it was +at a great hotel at Cologne, and it was not sunrise yet. + +Deutz lay opposite, and over Deutz the dusky sky was reddened. The +hills were veiled in the mist and the gray. The gray river flowed +underneath us; the steamers were roosting along the quays, a light +keeping watch in the cabins here and there, and its reflections +quivering in the water. As I look, the sky-line towards the east +grows redder and redder. A long troop of gray horsemen winds down +the river road, and passes over the bridge of boats. You might +take them for ghosts, those gray horsemen, so shadowy do they look; +but you hear the trample of their hoofs as they pass over the +planks. Every minute the dawn twinkles up into the twilight; and +over Deutz the heaven blushes brighter. The quays begin to fill +with men: the carts begin to creak and rattle, and wake the +sleeping echoes. Ding, ding, ding, the steamers' bells begin to +ring: the people on board to stir and wake: the lights may be +extinguished, and take their turn of sleep: the active boats shake +themselves, and push out into the river: the great bridge opens, +and gives them passage: the church bells of the city begin to +clink: the cavalry trumpets blow from the opposite bank: the sailor +is at the wheel, the porter at his burden, the soldier at his +musket, and the priest at his prayers. . . . + +And lo! in a flash of crimson splendor, with blazing scarlet clouds +running before his chariot, and heralding his majestic approach, +God's sun rises upon the world, and all nature wakens and brightens. + +O glorious spectacle of light and life! O beatific symbol of +Power, Love, Joy, Beauty! Let us look at thee with humble wonder, +and thankfully acknowledge and adore. What gracious forethought is +it--what generous and loving provision, that deigns to prepare for +our eyes and to soothe our hearts with such a splendid morning +festival! For these magnificent bounties of heaven to us, let us +be thankful, even that we can feel thankful--(for thanks surely is +the noblest effort, as it is the greatest delight, of the gentle +soul)--and so, a grace for this feast, let all say who partake of +it. + +See! the mist clears off Drachenfels, and it looks out from the +distance, and bids us a friendly farewell. Farewell to holiday and +sunshine; farewell to kindly sport and pleasant leisure! Let us +say good-by to the Rhine, friend. Fogs, and cares, and labor are +awaiting us by the Thames; and a kind face or two looking out for +us to cheer and bid us welcome. + + + + + +THE ROSE AND THE RING: + +A FIRE-SIDE PANTOMIME FOR GREAT AND SMALL CHILDREN. + + +BY MR. M. A. TITMARSH + + + +PRELUDE + + +It happened that the undersigned spent the last Christmas season in +a foreign city where there were many English children. + +In that city, if you wanted to give a child's party, you could not +even get a magic-lantern or buy Twelfth-Night characters--those +funny painted pictures of the King, the Queen, the Lover, the Lady, +the Dandy, the Captain, and so on--with which our young ones are +wont to recreate themselves at this festive time. + +My friend Miss Bunch, who was governess of a large family that +lived in the Piano Nobile of the house inhabited by myself and my +young charges (it was the Palazzo Poniatowski at Rome, and Messrs. +Spillmann, two of the best pastry-cooks in Christendom, have their +shop on the ground floor): Miss Bunch, I say, begged me to draw a +set of Twelfth-Night characters for the amusement of our young +people. + +She is a lady of great fancy and droll imagination, and having +looked at the characters, she and I composed a history about them, +which was recited to the little folks at night, and served as our +FIRE-SIDE PANTOMIME. + +Our juvenile audience was amused by the adventures of Giglio and +Bulbo, Rosalba and Angelica. I am bound to say the fate of the +Hall Porter created a considerable sensation; and the wrath of +Countess Gruffanuff was received with extreme pleasure. + +If these children are pleased, thought I, why should not others be +amused also? In a few days Dr. Birch's young friends will be +expected to reassemble at Rodwell Regis, where they will learn +everything that is useful, and under the eyes of careful ushers +continue the business of their little lives. + +But, in the meanwhile, and for a brief holiday, let us laugh and be +as pleasant as we can. And you elder folk--a little joking, and +dancing, and fooling will do even you no harm. The author wishes +you a merry Christmas, and welcomes you to the Fire-side Pantomime. + +M. A. TITMARSH. + +December 1854. + + + +THE ROSE AND THE RING + + +I. SHOWS HOW THE ROYAL FAMILY SAT DOWN TO BREAKFAST + + +This is Valoroso XXIV., King of Paflagonia, seated with his Queen +and only child at their royal breakfast-table, and receiving the +letter which announces to his Majesty a proposed visit from Prince +Bulbo, heir of Padella, reigning King of Crim Tartary. Remark the +delight upon the monarch's royal features. He is so absorbed in +the perusal of the King of Crim Tartary's letter, that he allows +his eggs to get cold, and leaves his august muffins untasted. + +"What! that wicked, brave, delightful Prince Bulbo!" cries Princess +Angelica; "so handsome, so accomplished, so witty--the conqueror of +Rimbombamento, where he slew ten thousand giants!" + +"Who told you of him, my dear?" asks his Majesty. + +"A little bird," says Angelica. + +"Poor Giglio!" says mamma, pouring out the tea. + +"Bother Giglio!" cries Angelica, tossing up her head, which rustled +with a thousand curl-papers. + +"I wish," growls the King--"I wish Giglio was. . ." + +"Was better? Yes, dear, he is better," says the Queen. +"Angelica's little maid, Betsinda, told me so when she came to my +room this morning with my early tea." + +"You are always drinking tea," said the monarch, with a scowl. + +"It is better than drinking port or brandy-and-water," replies her +Majesty. + +"Well, well, my dear, I only said you were fond of drinking tea," +said the King of Paflagonia, with an effort as if to command his +temper. "Angelica! I hope you have plenty of new dresses; your +milliners' bills are long enough. My dear Queen, you must see and +have some parties. I prefer dinners, but of course you will be for +balls. Your everlasting blue velvet quite tires me: and, my love, +I should like you to have a new necklace. Order one. Not more +than a hundred or a hundred and fifty thousand pounds." + +"And Giglio, dear?" says the Queen. + +"GIGLIO MAY GO TO THE ----" + +"Oh, sir!" screams her Majesty. "Your own nephew! our late King's +only son." + +"Giglio may go to the tailor's, and order the bills to be sent in +to Glumboso to pay. Confound him! I mean bless his dear heart. +He need want for nothing; give him a couple of guineas for pocket- +money, my dear; and you may as well order yourself bracelets while +you are about the necklace, Mrs. V." + +Her Majesty, or MRS. V., as the monarch facetiously called her (for +even royalty will have its sport, and this august family were very +much attached), embraced her husband, and, twining her arm round +her daughter's waist, they quitted the breakfast-room in order to +make all things ready for the princely stranger. + +When they were gone, the smile that had lighted up the eyes of the +HUSBAND and FATHER fled--the pride of the KING fled--the MAN was +alone. Had I the pen of a G. P. R. James, I would describe +Valoroso's torments in the choicest language; in which I would also +depict his flashing eye, his distended nostril--his dressing-gown, +pocket-handkerchief, and boots. But I need not say I have NOT the +pen of that novelist; suffice it to say, Valoroso was alone. + +He rushed to the cupboard, seizing from the table one of the many +egg-cups with which his princely board was served for the matin +meal, drew out a bottle of right Nantz or Cognac, filled and +emptied the cup several times, and laid it down with a hoarse "Ha, +ha, ha! now Valoroso is a man again!" + +"But oh!" he went on (still sipping, I am sorry to say), "ere I was +a king, I needed not this intoxicating draught; once I detested the +hot brandy wine, and quaffed no other fount but nature's rill. It +dashes not more quickly o'er the rocks than I did, as, with +blunderbuss in hand, I brushed away the early morning dew, and shot +the partridge, snipe, or antlered deer! Ah! well may England's +dramatist remark, "Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown!" Why +did I steal my nephew's, my young Giglio's--? Steal! said I? no, +no, no, not steal, not steal. Let me withdraw that odious +expression. I took, and on my manly head I set, the royal crown of +Paflagonia; I took, and with my royal arm I wield, the sceptral rod +of Paflagonia; I took, and in my outstretched hand I hold, the +royal orb of Paflagonia! Could a poor boy, a snivelling, +drivelling boy--was in his nurse's arms but yesterday, and cried +for sugarplums and puled for pap--bear up the awful weight of +crown, orb, sceptre? gird on the sword my royal fathers wore, and +meet in fight the tough Crimean foe?" + +And then the monarch went on to argue in his own mind (though we +need not say that blank verse is not argument) that what he had got +it was his duty to keep, and that, if at one time he had +entertained ideas of a certain restitution, which shall be +nameless, the prospect by a CERTAIN MARRIAGE of uniting two crowns +and two nations which had been engaged in bloody and expensive +wars, as the Paflagonians and the Crimeans had been, put the idea +of Giglio's restoration to the throne out of the question: nay, +were his own brother, King Savio, alive, he would certainly will +the crown from his own son in order to bring about such a desirable +union. + +Thus easily do we deceive ourselves! Thus do we fancy what we wish +is right! The King took courage, read the papers, finished his +muffins and eggs, and rang the bell for his Prime Minister. The +Queen, after thinking whether she should go up and see Giglio, who +had been sick, thought, "Not now. Business first; pleasure +afterwards. I will go and see dear Giglio this afternoon; and now +I will drive to the jeweller's, to look for the necklace and +bracelets." The Princess went up into her own room, and made +Betsinda, her maid, bring out all her dresses; and as for Giglio, +they forgot him as much as I forget what I had for dinner last +Tuesday twelve-month. + + +II. HOW KING VALOROSO GOT THE CROWN, AND PRINCE GIGLIO WENT +WITHOUT. + + +Paflagonia, ten or twenty thousand years ago, appears to have been +one of those kingdoms where the laws of succession were not +settled; for when King Savio died, leaving his brother Regent of +the kingdom, and guardian of Savio's orphan infant, this unfaithful +regent took no sort of regard of the late monarch's will; had +himself proclaimed sovereign of Paflagonia under the title of King +Valoroso XXIV., had a most splendid coronation, and ordered all the +nobles of the kingdom to pay him homage. So long as Valoroso gave +them plenty of balls at Court, plenty of money and lucrative +places, the Paflagonian nobility did not care who was king; and as +for the people, in those early times, they were equally indifferent. +The Prince Giglio, by reason of his tender age at his royal father's +death, did not feel the loss of his crown and empire. As long as he +had plenty of toys and sweetmeats, a holiday five times a week and a +horse and gun to go out shooting when he grew a little older, and, +above all, the company of his darling cousin, the King's only child, +poor Giglio was perfectly contented; nor did he envy his uncle the +royal robes and sceptre, the great hot uncomfortable throne of +state, and the enormous cumbersome crown in which that monarch +appeared from morning till night. King Valoroso's portrait has been +left to us; and I think you will agree with me that he must have +been sometimes RATHER TIRED of his velvet, and his diamonds, and his +ermine, and his grandeur. I shouldn't like to sit in that stifling +robe with such a thing as that on my head. + +No doubt, the Queen must have been lovely in her youth; for though +she grew rather stout in after life, yet her features, as shown in +her portrait, are certainly PLEASING. If she was fond of flattery, +scandal, cards, and fine clothes, let us deal gently with her +infirmities, which, after all, may be no greater than our own. She +was kind to her nephew; and if she had any scruples of conscience +about her husband's taking the young Prince's crown, consoled +herself by thinking that the King, though a usurper, was a most +respectable man, and that at his death Prince Giglio would be +restored to his throne, and share it with his cousin, whom he loved +so fondly. + +The Prime Minister was Glumboso, an old statesman, who most +cheerfully swore fidelity to King Valoroso, and in whose hands the +monarch left all the affairs of his kingdom. All Valoroso wanted +was plenty of money, plenty of hunting, plenty of flattery, and as +little trouble as possible. As long as he had his sport, this +monarch cared little how his people paid for it: he engaged in some +wars, and of course the Paflagonian newspapers announced that he +had gained prodigious victories: he had statues erected to himself +in every city of the empire; and of course his pictures placed +everywhere, and in all the print-shops: he was Valoroso the +Magnanimous, Valoroso the Victorious, Valoroso the Great, and so +forth;--for even in these early times courtiers and people knew how +to flatter. + +This royal pair had one only child, the Princess Angelica, who, you +may be sure, was a paragon in the courtiers' eyes, in her parents', +and in her own. It was said she had the longest hair, the largest +eyes, the slimmest waist, the smallest foot, and the most lovely +complexion of any young lady in the Paflagonian dominions. Her +accomplishments were announced to be even superior to her beauty; +and governesses used to shame their idle pupils by telling them +what Princess Angelica could do. She could play the most difficult +pieces of music at sight. She could answer any one of "Mangnall's +Questions." She knew every date in the history of Paflagonia, and +every other country. She knew French, English, Italian, German, +Spanish, Hebrew, Greek, Latin, Cappadocian, Samothracian, Aegean, +and Crim Tartar. In a word, she was a most accomplished young +creature; and her governess and lady-in-waiting was the severe +Countess Gruffanuff. + +Would you not fancy, from this picture, that Gruffanuff must have +been a person of highest birth? She looks so haughty that I should +have thought her a princess at the very least, with a pedigree +reaching as far back as the Deluge. But this lady was no better +born than many other ladies who give themselves airs; and all +sensible people laughed at her absurd pretensions. The fact is, +she had been maid-servant to the Queen when her Majesty was only +Princess, and her husband had been head footman; but after his +death or DISAPPEARANCE, of which you shall hear presently, this +Mrs. Gruffanuff, by flattering, toadying, and wheedling her royal +mistress, became a favorite with the Queen (who was rather a weak +woman), and her Majesty gave her a title, and made her nursery +governess to the Princess. + +And now I must tell you about the Princess's learning and +accomplishments, for which she had such a wonderful character. +Clever Angelica certainly was, but as IDLE AS POSSIBLE. Play at +sight, indeed! she could play one or two pieces, and pretend that +she had never seen them before; she could answer half a dozen +"Mangnall's Questions;" but then you must take care to ask the +RIGHT ones. As for her languages, she had masters in plenty, but I +doubt whether she knew more than a few phrases in each, for all her +presence; and as for her embroidery and her drawing, she showed +beautiful specimens, it is true, but WHO DID THEM? + +This obliges me to tell the truth, and to do so I must go back ever +so far, and tell you about the FAIRY BLACKSTICK. + + +III. TELLS WHO THE FAIRY BLACKSTICK WAS, AND WHO WERE EVER SO MANY +GRAND PERSONAGES BESIDES. + + +Between the kingdoms of Paflagonia and Crim Tartary, there lived a +mysterious personage, who was known in those countries as the Fairy +Blackstick, from the ebony wand or crutch which she carried; on +which she rode to the moon sometimes, or upon other excursions of +business or pleasure, and with which she performed her wonders. +When she was young, and had been first taught the art of conjuring +by the necromancer, her father, she was always practicing her +skill, whizzing about from one kingdom to another upon her black +stick, and conferring her fairy favors upon this Prince or that. +She had scores of royal godchildren; turned numberless wicked +people into beasts, birds, millstones, clocks, pumps, boot jacks, +umbrellas, or other absurd shapes; and, in a word, was one of the +most active and officious of the whole college of fairies. + +But after two or three thousand years of this sport, I suppose +Blackstick grew tired of it. Or perhaps she thought, "What good am +I doing by sending this Princess to sleep for a hundred years? by +fixing a black pudding on to that booby's nose? by causing diamonds +and pearls to drop from one little girl's mouth, and vipers and +toads from another's? I begin to think I do as much harm as good +by my performances. I might as well shut my incantations up, and +allow things to take their natural course. + +"There were my two young goddaughters, King Savio's wife, and Duke +Padella's wife: I gave them each a present, which was to render +them charming in the eyes of their husbands, and secure the +affection of those gentlemen as long as they lived. What good did +my Rose and my Ring do these two women? None on earth. From +having all their whims indulged by their husbands, they became +capricious, lazy, ill-humored, absurdly vain, and leered and +languished, and fancied themselves irresistibly beautiful, when +they were really quite old and hideous, the ridiculous creatures! +They used actually to patronise me when I went to pay them a visit-- +ME, the Fairy Blackstick, who knows all the wisdom of the +necromancers, and could have turned them into baboons, and all +their diamonds into strings of onions, by a single wave of my rod!" +So she locked up her books in her cupboard, declined further +magical performances, and scarcely used her wand at all except as a +cane to walk about with. + +So when Duke Padella's lady had a little son (the Duke was at that +time only one of the principal noblemen in Crim Tartary), Blackstick, +although invited to the christening, would not so much as attend; +but merely sent her compliments and a silver papboat for the baby, +which was really not worth a couple of guineas. About the same time +the Queen of Paflagonia presented his Majesty with a son and heir; +and guns were fired, the capital illuminated, and no end of feasts +ordained to celebrate the young Prince's birth. It was thought the +fairy, who was asked to be his godmother, would at least have +presented him with an invisible jacket, a flying horse, a +Fortunatus's purse, or some other valuable token of her favor; but +instead, Blackstick went up to the cradle of the child Giglio, when +everybody was admiring him and complimenting his royal papa and +mamma, and said, "My poor child, the best thing I can send you is a +little MISFORTUNE;" and this was all she would utter, to the disgust +of Giglio's parents, who died very soon after, when Giglio's uncle +took the throne, as we read in Chapter I. + +In like manner, when CAVOLFIORE, King of Crim Tartary, had a +christening of his only child, ROSALBA, the Fairy Blackstick, who +had been invited, was not more gracious than in Prince Giglio's +case. Whilst everybody was expatiating over the beauty of the +darling child, and congratulating its parents, the Fairy Blackstick +looked very sadly at the baby and its mother, and said, "My good +woman (for the Fairy was very familiar, and no more minded a Queen +than a washerwoman)--my good woman, these people who are following +you will be the first to turn against you; and as for this little +lady, the best thing I can wish her is a LITTLE MISFORTUNE." So +she touched Rosalba with her black wand, looked severely at the +courtiers, motioned the Queen an adieu with her hand, and sailed +slowly up into the air out of the window. + +When she was gone, the Court people, who had been awed and silent +in her presence, began to speak. "What an odious Fairy she is" +(they said)--"a pretty Fairy, indeed! Why, she went to the King of +Paflagonia's christening, and pretended to do all sorts of things +for that family; and what has happened--the Prince, her godson, has +been turned off his throne by his uncle. Would we allow our sweet +Princess to be deprived of her rights by any enemy? Never, never, +never, never!" + +And they all shouted in a chorus, "Never, never, never, never!" + +Now, I should like to know, and how did these fine courtiers show +their fidelity? One of King Cavolfiore's vassals, the Duke Padella +just mentioned, rebelled against the King, who went out to chastise +his rebellious subject. "Any one rebel against our beloved and +august Monarch!" cried the courtiers; "any one resist HIM? Pooh! +He is invincible, irresistible. He will bring home Padella a +prisoner, and tie him to a donkey's tail, and drive him round the +town, saying, 'This is the way the Great Cavolfiore treats +rebels.'" + +The King went forth to vanquish Padella; and the poor Queen, who +was a very timid, anxious creature, grew so frightened and ill that +I am sorry to say she died; leaving injunctions with her ladies to +take care of the dear little Rosalba. Of course they said they +would. Of course they vowed they would die rather than any harm +should happen to the Princess. At first the Crim Tartar Court +Journal stated that the King was obtaining great victories over the +audacious rebel: then it was announced that the troops of the +infamous Padella were in flight: then it was said that the royal +army would soon come up with the enemy, and then--then the news +came that King Cavolfiore was vanquished and slain by his Majesty, +King Padella the First! + +At this news, half the courtiers ran off to pay their duty to the +conquering chief, and the other half ran away, laying hands on all +the best articles in the palace; and poor little Rosalba was left +there quite alone--quite alone: she toddled from one room to +another, crying, "Countess! Duchess!" (only she said "Tountess, +Duttess," not being able to speak plain) "bring me my mutton-sop; +my Royal Highness hungy! Tountess! Duttess!" And she went from +the private apartments into the throne-room and nobody was there;-- +and thence into the ballroom and nobody was there;--and thence into +the pages' room and nobody was there; --and she toddled down the +great staircase into the hall and nobody was there;--and the door +was open, and she went into the court, and into the garden, and +thence into the wilderness, and thence into the forest where the +wild beasts live, and was never heard of any more! + +A piece of her torn mantle and one of her shoes were found in the +wood in the mouths of two lionesses' cubs whom KING PADELLA and a +royal hunting party shot--for he was King now, and reigned over +Crim Tartary. "So the poor little Princess is done for," said he; +"well, what's done can't be helped. Gentlemen, let us go to +luncheon!" And one of the courtiers took up the shoe and put it in +his pocket. And there was an end of Rosalba! + + +IV. HOW BLACKSTICK WAS NOT ASKED TO THE PRINCESS ANGELICA'S +CHRISTENING. + + +When the Princess Angelica was born, her parents not only did not +ask the Fairy Blackstick to the christening party, but gave orders +to their porter absolutely to refuse her if she called. This +porter's name was Gruffanuff, and he had been selected for the post +by their Royal Highnesses because he was a very tall fierce man, +who could say "Not at home" to a tradesman or an unwelcome visitor +with a rudeness which frightened most such persons away. He was +the husband of that Countess whose picture we have just seen, and +as long as they were together they quarrelled from morning till +night. Now this fellow tried his rudeness once too often, as you +shall hear. For the Fairy Blackstick coming to call upon the +Prince and Princess, who were actually sitting at the open drawing- +room window, Gruffanuff not only denied them, but made the most +ODIOUS VULGAR SIGN as he was going to slam the door in the Fairy's +face! "Git away, hold Blackstick!" said he. "I tell you, Master +and Missis ain't at home to you;" and he was, as we have said, +GOING to slam the door. + +But the Fairy, with her wand, prevented the door being shut; and +Gruffanuff came out again in a fury, swearing in the most +abominable way, and asking the Fairy "whether she thought he was +a-going to stay at that there door hall day?" + +"You ARE going to stay at that door all day and all night, and for +many a long year," the Fairy said, very majestically; and +Gruffanuff, coming out of the door, straddling before it with his +great calves, burst out laughing, and cried, "Ha, ha, ha! this IS a +good un! Ha--ah--what's this? Let me down--oh--o--h'm!" and then +he was dumb! + +For, as the Fairy waved her wand over him, he felt himself rising +off the ground, and fluttering up against the door, and then, as if +a screw ran into his stomach, he felt a dreadful pain there, and +was pinned to the door; and then his arms flew up over his head; +and his legs, after writhing about wildly, twisted under his body; +and he felt cold, cold, growing over him, as if he was turning into +metal; and he said, "Oh--o--h'm!" and could say no more, because he +was dumb. + +He WAS turned into metal! He was, from being BRAZEN, BRASS! He +was neither more nor less than a knocker! And there he was, nailed +to the door in the blazing summer day, till he burned almost red- +hot; and there he was, nailed to the door all the bitter winter +nights, till his brass nose was dropping with icicles. And the +postman came and rapped at him, and the vulgarest boy with a letter +came and hit him up against the door. And the King and Queen +(Princess and Prince they were then) coming home from a walk that +evening, the King said, "Hullo, my dear! you have had a new knocker +put on the door. Why, it's rather like our porter in the face! +What has become of that boozy vagabond?" And the housemaid came +and scrubbed his nose with sand-paper; and once, when the Princess +Angelica's little sister was born, he was tied up in an old kid- +glove; and, another night, some LARKING young men tried to wrench +him off, and put him to the most excruciating agony with a turn +screw. And then the Queen had a fancy to have the color of the +door altered; and the painters dabbed him over the mouth and eyes, +and nearly choked him, as they painted him pea-green. I warrant he +had leisure to repent of having been rude to the Fairy Blackstick! + + +As for his wife, she did not miss him; and as he was always +guzzling beer at the public-house, and notoriously quarrelling with +his wife, and in debt to the tradesmen, it was supposed he had run +away from all these evils, and emigrated to Australia or America. +And when the Prince and Princess chose to become King and Queen, +they left their old house, and nobody thought of the porter any +more. + + +V. HOW PRINCESS ANGELICA TOOK A LITTLE MAID. + + +One day, when the Princess Angelica was quite a little girl, she +was walking in the garden of the palace, with Mrs. Gruffanuff, the +governess, holding a parasol over her head, to keep her sweet +complexion from the freckles, and Angelica was carrying a bun, to +feed the swans and ducks in the royal pond. + +They had not reached the duck-pond, when there came toddling up to +them such a funny little girl! She had a great quantity of hair +blowing about her chubby little cheeks, and looked as if she had +not been washed or combed for ever so long. She wore a ragged bit +of a cloak, and had only one shoe on. + +"You little wretch, who let you in here?" asked Mrs. Gruffanuff. + +"Div me dat bun," said the little girl, "me vely hungy." + +"Hungry! what is that?" asked Princess Angelica, and gave the child +the bun. + +"Oh, Princess!" says Mrs. Gruffanuff, "how good, how kind, how +truly angelical you are! See, Your Majesties," she said to the +King and Queen, who now came up, along with their nephew, Prince +Giglio, "how kind the Princess is! She met this little dirty +wretch in the garden--I can't tell how she came in here, or why the +guards did not shoot her dead at the gate!--and the dear darling of +a Princess has given her the whole of her bun!" + +"I didn't want it," said Angelica. + +"But you are a darling little angel all the same," says the +governess. + +"Yes; I know I am," said Angelica. "Dirty little girl, don't you +think I am very pretty?" Indeed, she had on the finest of little +dresses and hats; and, as her hair was carefully curled, she really +looked very well. + +"Oh, pooty, pooty!" says the little girl, capering about, laughing, +and dancing, and munching her bun; and as she ate it she began to +sing, "O what fun to have a plum bun! how I wis it never was done!" +At which, and her funny accent, Angelica, Giglio, and the King and +Queen began to laugh very merrily. + +"I can dance as well as sing," says the little girl. "I can dance, +and I can sing, and I can do all sorts of ting." And she ran to a +flower-bed, and pulling a few polyanthuses, rhododendrons, and +other flowers, made herself a little wreath, and danced before the +King and Queen so drolly and prettily, that everybody was delighted. + +"Who was your mother--who were your relations, little girl?" said +the Queen. + +The little girl said, "Little lion was my brudder; great big +lioness my mudder; neber heard of any udder." And she capered away +on her one shoe, and everybody was exceedingly diverted. + +So Angelica said to the Queen, "Mamma, my parrot flew away +yesterday out of its cage, and I don't care any more for any of my +toys; and I think this funny little dirty child will amuse me. I +will take her home, and give her some of my old frocks--" + +"Oh, the generous darling!" says Mrs. Gruffanuff. + +"--Which I have worn ever so many times, and am quite tired of," +Angelica went on; "and she shall be my little maid. Will you come +home with me, little dirty girl?" + +The child clapped her hands, and said, "Go home with you--yes! You +pooty Princess! Have a nice dinner, and wear a new dress!" + +And they all laughed again, and took home the child to the palace, +where, when she was washed and combed, and had one of the +Princess's frocks given to her, she looked as handsome as Angelica, +almost. Not that Angelica ever thought so; for this little lady +never imagined that anybody in the world could be as pretty, as +good, or as clever as herself. In order that the little girl +should not become too proud and conceited, Mrs. Gruffanuff took her +old ragged mantle and one shoe, and put them into a glass box, with +a card laid upon them, upon which was written, "These were the old +clothes in which little BETSINDA was found when the great goodness +and admirable kindness of Her Royal Highness the Princess Angelica +received this little outcast." And the date was added, and the box +locked up. + +For a while little Betsinda was a great favorite with the Princess, +and she danced, and sang, and made her little rhymes, to amuse her +mistress. But then the Princess got a monkey, and afterwards a +little dog, and afterwards a doll, and did not care for Betsinda +any more, who became very melancholy and quiet, and sang no more +funny songs, because nobody cared to hear her. And then, as she +grew older, she was made a little lady's-maid to the Princess; and +though she had no wages, she worked and mended, and put Angelica's +hair in papers, and was never cross when scolded, and was always +eager to please her mistress, and was always up early and to bed +late, and at hand when wanted, and in fact became a perfect little +maid. So the two girls grew up, and, when the Princess came out, +Betsinda was never tired of waiting on her; and made her dresses +better than the best milliner, and was useful in a hundred ways. +Whilst the Princess was having her masters, Betsinda would sit and +watch them; and in this way she picked up a great deal of learning; +for she was always awake, though her mistress was not, and listened +to the wise professors when Angelica was yawning or thinking of the +next ball. And when the dancing-master came, Betsinda learned +along with Angelica; and when the music-master came, she watched +him, and practiced the Princess's pieces when Angelica was away at +balls and parties; and when the drawing-master came, she took note +of all he said and did; and the same with French, Italian, and all +other languages--she learned them from the teacher who came to +Angelica. When the Princess was going out of an evening she would +say, "My good Betsinda, you may as well finish what I have begun." +"Yes, miss," Betsinda would say, and sit down very cheerful, not to +FINISH what Angelica began, but to DO it. + +For instance, the Princess would begin a head of a warrior, let us +say, and when it was begun it was something like this: + +But when it was done, the warrior was like this:--(only handsomer +still if possible), and the Princess put her name to the drawing; +and the Court and King and Queen, and above all poor Giglio, +admired the picture of all things, and said, "Was there ever a +genius like Angelica?" So, I am sorry to say, was it with the +Princess's embroidery and other accomplishments; and Angelica +actually believed that she did these things herself, and received +all the flattery of the Court as if every word of it was true. +Thus she began to think that there was no young woman in all the +world equal to herself, and that no young man was good enough for +her. As for Betsinda, as she heard none of these praises, she was +not puffed up by them, and being a most grateful, good-natured +girl, she was only too anxious to do everything which might give +her mistress pleasure. Now you begin to perceive that Angelica had +faults of her own, and was by no means such a wonder of wonders as +people represented Her Royal Highness to be. + + +VI. HOW PRINCE GIGLIO BEHAVED HIMSELF. + + +And now let us speak about Prince Giglio, the nephew of the +reigning monarch of Paflagonia. It has already been stated, in +page seven, that as long as he had a smart coat to wear, a good +horse to ride, and money in his pocket, or rather to take out of +his pocket, for he was very good-natured, my young Prince did not +care for the loss of his crown and sceptre, being a thoughtless +youth, not much inclined to politics or any kind of learning. So +his tutor had a sinecure. Giglio would not learn classics or +mathematics, and the Lord Chancellor of Paflagonia, SQUARETOSO, +pulled a very long face because the Prince could not be got to +study the Paflagonian laws and constitution; but, on the other +hand, the King's gamekeepers and huntsmen found the Prince an apt +pupil; the dancing-master pronounced that he was a most elegant and +assiduous scholar; the First Lord of the Billiard Table gave the +most flattering reports of the Prince's skill; so did the Groom of +the Tennis Court; and as for the Captain of the Guard and Fencing- +master, the VALIANT and VETERAN Count KUTASOFF HEDZOFF, he avowed +that since he ran the General of Crim Tartary, the dreadful +Grumbuskin, through the body, he never had encountered so expert a +swordsman as Prince Giglio. + +I hope you do not imagine that there was any impropriety in the +Prince and Princess walking together in the palace garden, and +because Giglio kissed Angelica's hand in a polite manner. In the +first place they are cousins; next, the Queen is walking in the +garden too (you cannot see her, for she happens to be behind that +tree), and her Majesty always wished that Angelica and Giglio +should marry: so did Giglio: so did Angelica sometimes, for she +thought her cousin very handsome, brave, and good-natured: but then +you know she was so clever and knew so many things, and poor Giglio +knew nothing, and had no conversation. When they looked at the +stars, what did Giglio know of the heavenly bodies? Once, when on +a sweet night in a balcony where they were standing, Angelica said, +"There is the Bear." "Where?" says Giglio. "Don't be afraid, +Angelica! if a dozen bears come, I will kill them rather than they +shall hurt you." "Oh, you silly creature!" says she; "you are very +good, but you are not very wise." When they looked at the flowers, +Giglio was utterly unacquainted with botany, and had never heard of +Linnaeus. When the butterflies passed, Giglio knew nothing about +them, being as ignorant of entomology as I am of algebra. So you +see, Angelica, though she liked Giglio pretty well, despised him on +account of his ignorance. I think she probably valued HER OWN +LEARNING rather too much; but to think too well of one's self is +the fault of people of all ages and both sexes. Finally, when +nobody else was there, Angelica liked her cousin well enough. + +King Valoroso was very delicate in health, and withal so fond of +good dinners (which were prepared for him by his French cook +Marmitonio), that it was supposed he could not live long. Now the +idea of anything happening to the King struck the artful Prime +Minister and the designing old lady-in-waiting with terror. For, +thought Glumboso and the Countess, "when Prince Giglio marries his +cousin and comes to the throne, what a pretty position we shall be +in, whom he dislikes, and who have always been unkind to him. We +shall lose our places in a trice; Mrs. Gruffanuff will have to give +up all the jewels, laces, snuff-boxes, rings, and watches which +belonged to the Queen, Giglio's mother; and Glumboso will be forced +to refund two hundred and seventeen thousand millions nine hundred +and eighty-seven thousand four hundred and thirty-nine pounds, +thirteen shillings, and sixpence halfpenny, money left to Prince +Giglio by his poor dear father." + +So the Lady of Honor and the Prime Minister hated Giglio because +they had done him a wrong; and these unprincipled people invented a +hundred cruel stories about poor Giglio, in order to influence the +King, Queen, and Princess against him; how he was so ignorant that +he could not spell the commonest words, and actually wrote Valoroso +Valloroso, and spelt Angelica with two l's; how he drank a great +deal too much wine at dinner, and was always idling in the stables +with the grooms; how he owed ever so much money at the pastry- +cook's and the haberdasher's; how he used to go to sleep at church; +how he was fond of playing cards with the pages. So did the Queen +like playing cards; so did the King go to sleep at church, and eat +and drink too much; and, if Giglio owed a trifle for tarts, who +owed him two hundred and seventeen thousand millions nine hundred +and eighty-seven thousand four hundred and thirty-nine pounds, +thirteen shillings, and sixpence halfpenny, I should like to know? +Detractors and tale-bearers (in my humble opinion) had much better +look at HOME. All this backbiting and slandering had effect upon +Princess Angelica, who began to look coldly on her cousin, then to +laugh at him and scorn him for being so stupid, then to sneer at +him for having vulgar associates; and at Court balls, dinners, and +so forth, to treat him so unkindly that poor Giglio became quite +ill, took to his bed, and sent for the doctor. + +His Majesty King Valoroso, as we have seen, had his own reasons for +disliking his nephew; and as for those innocent readers who ask +why?--I beg (with the permission of their dear parents) to refer +them to Shakespeare's pages, where they will read why King John +disliked Prince Arthur. With the Queen, his royal but weak-minded +aunt, when Giglio was out of sight he was out of mind. While she +had her whist and her evening parties, she cared for little else. + +I dare say TWO VILLAINS, who shall be nameless, wished Doctor +Pildrafto, the Court Physician, had killed Giglio right out, but he +only bled and physicked him so severely that the Prince was kept to +his room for several months, and grew as thin as a post. + +Whilst he was lying sick in this way, there came to the Court of +Paflagonia a famous painter, whose name was Tomaso Lorenzo, and who +was Painter in Ordinary to the King of Crim Tartary, Paflagonia's +neighbor. Tomaso Lorenzo painted all the Court, who were delighted +with his works; for even Countess Gruffanuff looked young and +Glumboso good-humored in his pictures. "He flatters very much," +some people said. "Nay!" says Princess Angelica, "I am above +flattery, and I think he did not make my picture handsome enough. +I can't bear to hear a man of genius unjustly cried down, and I +hope my dear papa will make Lorenzo a knight of his Order of the +Cucumber." + +The Princess Angelica, although the courtiers vowed Her Royal +Highness could draw so BEAUTIFULLY that the idea of her taking +lessons was absurd, yet chose to have Lorenzo for a teacher, and it +was wonderful, AS LONG AS SHE PAINTED IN HIS STUDIO, what beautiful +pictures she made! Some of the performances were engraved for the +"Book of Beauty:" others were sold for enormous sums at Charity +Bazaars. She wrote the SIGNATURES under the drawings, no doubt, +but I think I know who did the pictures--this artful painter, who +had come with other designs on Angelica than merely to teach her to +draw. + +One day, Lorenzo showed the Princess a portrait of a young man in +armor, with fair hair and the loveliest blue eyes, and an +expression at once melancholy and interesting. + +"Dear Signor Lorenzo, who is this?" asked the Princess. "I never +saw anyone so handsome," says Countess Gruffanuff (the old humbug). + +"That," said the painter, "that, Madam, is the portrait of my +august young master, his Royal Highness Bulbo, Crown Prince of Crim +Tartary, Duke of Acroceraunia, Marquis of Poluphloisboio, and +Knight Grand Cross of the Order of the Pumpkin. That is the Order +of the Pumpkin glittering on his manly breast, and received by His +Royal Highness from his august father, his Majesty King PADELLA I., +for his gallantry at the battle of Rimbombamento, when he slew with +his own princely hand the King of Ograria and two hundred and +eleven giants of the two hundred and eighteen who formed the King's +bodyguard. The remainder were destroyed by the brave Crim Tartar +army after an obstinate combat, in which the Crim Tartars suffered +severely." + +"What a Prince!" thought Angelica: "so brave--so calm-looking--so +young--what a hero!" + +"He is as accomplished as he is brave," continued the Court +Painter. "He knows all languages perfectly: sings deliciously: +plays every instrument: composes operas which have been acted a +thousand nights running at the Imperial Theatre of Crim Tartary, +and danced in a ballet there before the King and Queen; in which he +looked so beautiful, that his cousin, the lovely daughter of the +King of Circassia, died for love of him." + +"Why did he not marry the poor Princess?" asked Angelica, with a +sigh. + +"Because they were FIRST COUSINS, Madam, and the clergy forbid +these unions," said the Painter. "And, besides, the young Prince +had given his royal heart ELSEWHERE." + +"And to whom?" asked Her Royal Highness. + +"I am not at liberty to mention the Princess's name," answered the +Painter. + +"But you may tell me the first letter of it," gasped out the +Princess. + +"That Your Royal Highness is at liberty to guess," said Lorenzo. + +"Does it begin with a Z?" asked Angelica. + +The Painter said it wasn't a Z; then she tried a Y; then an X; then +a W, and went so backwards through almost the whole alphabet. + +When she came to D, and it wasn't D, she grew very excited; when +she came to C, and it wasn't C, she was still more nervous; when +she came to B, AND IT WASN'T B, "Oh dearest Gruffanuff," she said, +"lend me your smelling-bottle!" and, hiding her head in the +Countess's shoulder, she faintly whispered, "Ah, Signor, can it be +A?" + +"It was A; and though I may not, by my Royal Master's orders, tell +Your Royal Highness the Princess's name, whom he fondly, madly, +devotedly, rapturously loves, I may show you her portrait," says +this slyboots: and leading the Princess up to a gilt frame, he drew +a curtain which was before it. + +O goodness! the frame contained A LOOKING-GLASS! and Angelica saw +her own face! + + +VII. HOW GIGLIO AND ANGELICA HAD A QUARREL. + + +The Court Painter of his Majesty the King of Crim Tartary returned +to that monarch's dominions, carrying away a number of sketches +which he had made in the Paflagonian capital (you know, of course, +my dears, that the name of that capital is Blombodinga); but the +most charming of all his pieces was a portrait of the Princess +Angelica, which all the Crim Tartar nobles came to see. With this +work the King was so delighted, that he decorated the Painter with +his Order of the Pumpkin (sixth class) and the artist became Sir +Tomaso Lorenzo, K.P., thenceforth. + +King Valoroso also sent Sir Tomaso his Order of the Cucumber, +besides a handsome order for money, for he painted the King, Queen, +and principal nobility while at Blombodinga, and became all the +fashion, to the perfect rage of all the artists in Paflagonia, +where the King used to point to the portrait of Prince Bulbo, which +Sir Tomaso had left behind him, and say "Which among you can paint +a picture like that?" + +It hung in the royal parlor over the royal sideboard, and Princess +Angelica could always look at it as she sat making the tea. Each +day it seemed to grow handsomer and handsomer, and the Princess +grew so fond of looking at it, that she would often spill the tea +over the cloth, at which her father and mother would wink and wag +their heads; and say to each other, "Aha! we see how things are +going." + +In the meantime poor Giglio lay upstairs very sick in his chamber, +though he took all the doctor's horrible medicines like a good +young lad: as I hope YOU do, my dears, when you are ill and mamma +sends for the medical man. And the only person who visited Giglio +(besides his friend the captain of the guard, who was almost always +busy or on parade), was little Betsinda the housemaid, who used to +do his bedroom and sitting-room out, bring him his gruel, and warm +his bed. + +When the little housemaid came to him in the morning and evening, +Prince Giglio used to say, "Betsinda, Betsinda, how is the Princess +Angelica?" + +And Betsinda used to answer, "The Princess is very well, thank you, +my Lord." And Giglio would heave a sigh, and think, "If Angelica +were sick, I am sure I should not be very well." + +Then Giglio would say, "Betsinda, has the Princess Angelica asked +for me today?" And Betsinda would answer, "No, my Lord, not +today"; or, "She was very busy practicing the piano when I saw +her"; or, "She was writing invitations for an evening party, and +did not speak to me"; or make some excuse or other, not strictly +consonant with truth: for Betsinda was such a good-natured creature +that she strove to do everything to prevent annoyance to Prince +Giglio, and even brought him up roast chicken and jellies from the +kitchen (when the Doctor allowed them, and Giglio was getting +better), saying, "that the Princess had made the jelly, or the +bread-sauce, with her own hands, on purpose for Giglio." + +When Giglio heard this he took heart and began to mend immediately; +and gobbled up all the jelly, and picked the last bone of the +chicken--drumsticks, merry-thought, sides'-bones, back, pope's +nose, and all--thanking his dear Angelica; and he felt so much +better the next day, that he dressed and went downstairs--where, +whom should he meet but Angelica going into the drawing-room? All +the covers were off the chairs, the chandeliers taken out of the +bags, the damask curtains uncovered, the work and things carried +away, and the handsomest albums on the tables. Angelica had her +hair in papers: in a word, it was evident there was going to be a +party. + +"Heavens, Giglio!" cries Angelica: "YOU here in such a dress! What +a figure you are!" + +"Yes, dear Angelica, I am come downstairs, and feel so well today, +thanks to the FOWL and the JELLY." + +"What do I know about fowls and jellies, that you allude to them in +that rude way?" says Angelica. + +"Why, didn't--didn't you send them, Angelica dear?" says Giglio. + +"I send them indeed! Angelica dear! No, Giglio dear," says she, +mocking him, "I was engaged in getting the rooms ready for His +Royal Highness the Prince of Crim Tartary, who is coming to pay my +papa's Court a visit." + +"The--Prince--of--Crim--Tartary!" Giglio said, aghast. + +"Yes, the Prince of Crim Tartary," says Angelica, mocking him. "I +dare say you never heard of such a country. What DID you ever hear +of? You don't know whether Crim Tartary is on the Red Sea or on +the Black Sea, I dare say." + +"Yes, I do: it's on the Red Sea," says Giglio; at which the +Princess burst out laughing at him, and said, "Oh, you ninny! You +are so ignorant, you are really not fit for society! You know +nothing but about horses and dogs, and are only fit to dine in a +mess-room with my Royal Father's heaviest dragoons. Don't look so +surprised at me, sir: go and put your best clothes on to receive +the Prince, and let me get the drawing-room ready." + +Giglio said, "Oh, Angelica, Angelica, I didn't think this of you. +THIS wasn't your language to me when you gave me this ring, and I +gave you mine in the garden, and you gave me that k--" + +But what k-- was we never shall know, for Angelica, in a rage, +cried, "Get out, you saucy, rude creature! How dare you to remind +me of your rudeness? As for your little trumpery twopenny ring, +there, sir--there!" And she flung it out of the window. + +"It was my mother's marriage-ring," cried Giglio. + +"I don't care whose marriage-ring it was," cries Angelica. "Marry +the person who picks it up if she's a woman; you shan't marry ME. +And give me back MY ring. I've no patience with people who boast +about the things they give away! I know who'll give me much finer +things than you ever gave me. A beggarly ring indeed, not worth +five shillings!" + +Now Angelica little knew that the ring which Giglio had given her +was a fairy ring; if a man wore it, it made all the women in love +with him; if a woman, all the gentlemen. The Queen, Giglio's +mother, quite an ordinary-looking person, was admired immensely +whilst she wore this ring, and her husband was frantic when she was +ill. But when she called her little Giglio to her, and put the +ring on his finger, King Savio did not seem to care for his wife so +much any more, but transferred all his love to little Giglio. So +did everybody love him as long as he had the ring; but when, as +quite a child, he gave it to Angelica, people began to love and +admire HER; and Giglio, as the saying is, played only second +fiddle. + +"Yes," says Angelica, going on in her foolish ungrateful way. "I +know who'll give me much finer things than your beggarly little +pearl nonsense." + +"Very good, miss! You may take back your ring too!" says Giglio, +his eyes flashing fire at her, and then, as his eyes had been +suddenly opened, he cried out, "Ha! what does this mean? Is THIS +the woman I have been in love with all my life? Have I been such a +ninny as to throw away my regard upon you? Why--actually--yes--you +are a little crooked!" + +"Oh, you wretch!" cries Angelica. + +"And, upon my conscience, you--you squint a little." + +"Eh!" cries Angelica. + +"And your hair is red--and you are marked with the smallpox--and +what? you have three false teeth--and one leg shorter than the +other!" + +"You brute, you brute, you!" Angelica screamed out: and as she +seized the ring with one hand, she dealt Giglio one, two, three +smacks on the face, and would have pulled the hair off his head had +he not started laughing, and crying, + +"Oh dear me, Angelica, don't pull out MY hair, it hurts! You might +remove a great deal of YOUR OWN, as I perceive, without scissors or +pulling at all. Oh, ho, ho! ha, ha, ha! he he he!" + +And he nearly choked himself with laughing, and she with rage; +when, with a low bow, and dressed in his Court habit, Count +Gambabella, the first lord-in-waiting, entered and said, "Royal +Highnesses! Their Majesties expect you in the Pink Throne-room, +where they await the arrival of the Prince of CRIM TARTARY." + + +VIII. HOW GRUFFANUFF PICKED THE FAIRY RING UP, AND PRINCE BULBO +CAME TO COURT. + + +Prince Bulbo's arrival had set all the court in a flutter: +everybody was ordered to put his or her best clothes on: the +footmen had their gala liveries; the Lord Chancellor his new wig; +the Guards their last new tunics; and Countess Gruffanuff, you may +be sure, was glad of an opportunity of decorating HER old person +with her finest things. She was walking through the court of the +Palace on her way to wait upon their Majesties, when she espied +something glittering on the pavement, and bade the boy in buttons +who was holding up her train, to go and pick up the article shining +yonder. He was an ugly little wretch, in some of the late groom- +porter's old clothes cut down, and much too tight for him; and yet, +when he had taken up the ring (as it turned out to be), and was +carrying it to his mistress, she thought he looked like a little +cupid. He gave the ring to her; it was a trumpery little thing +enough, but too small for any of her old knuckles, so she put it +into her pocket. + +"Oh, mum!" says the boy, looking at her "how--how beyoutiful you do +look, mum, to-day, mum!" + +"And you, too, Jacky," she was going to say; but, looking down at +him--no, he was no longer good-looking at all--but only the +carroty-haired little Jacky of the morning. However, praise is +welcome from the ugliest of men or boys, and Gruffanuff, bidding +the boy hold up her train, walked on in high good-humor. The +Guards saluted her with peculiar respect. Captain Hedzoff, in the +anteroom, said, "My dear madam, you look like an angel today." And +so, bowing and smirking, Gruffanuff went in and took her place +behind her Royal Master and Mistress, who were in the throne-room, +awaiting the Prince of Crim Tartary. Princess Angelica sat at +their feet, and behind the King's chair stood Prince Giglio, +looking very savage. + +The Prince of Crim Tartary made his appearance, attended by Baron +Sleibootz, his chamberlain, and followed by a black page carrying +the most beautiful crown you ever saw! He was dressed in his +travelling costume, and his hair, as you see, was a little in +disorder. "I have ridden three hundred miles since breakfast," +said he, "so eager was I to behold the Prin--the Court and august +family of Paflagonia, and I could not wait one minute before +appearing in Your Majesties' presences." + +Giglio, from behind the throne, burst out into a roar of +contemptuous laughter; but all the Royal party, in fact, were so +flurried, that they did not hear this little outbreak. "Your R. H. +is welcome in any dress," says the King. "Glumboso, a chair for +His Royal Highness." + +"Any dress His Royal Highness wears IS a Court-dress," says +Princess Angelica, smiling graciously. + +"Ah! but you should see my other clothes," said the Prince. "I +should have had them on, but that stupid carrier has not brought +them. Who's that laughing?" + +It was Giglio laughing. "I was laughing," he said, "because you +said just now that you were in such a hurry to see the Princess, +that you could not wait to change your dress; and now you say you +come in those clothes because you have no others." + +"And who are you?" says Prince Bulbo, very fiercely. + +"My father was King of this country, and I am his only son, +Prince!" replies Giglio, with equal haughtiness. + +"Ha!" said the King and Glumboso, looking very flurried; but the +former, collecting himself, said, "Dear Prince Bulbo, I forgot to +introduce to Your Royal Highness my dear nephew, His Royal Highness +Prince Giglio! Know each other! Embrace each other! Giglio, give +His Royal Highness your hand!" and Giglio, giving his hand, +squeezed poor Bulbo's until the tears ran out of his eyes. +Glumboso now brought a chair for the Royal visitor, and placed it +on the platform on which the King, Queen, and Prince were seated; +but the chair was on the edge of the platform, and as Bulbo sat +down, it toppled over, and he with it, rolling over and over, and +bellowing like a bull. Giglio roared still louder at this +disaster, but it was with laughter; so did all the Court when +Prince Bulbo got up; for though when he entered the room he +appeared not very ridiculous, as he stood up from his fall for a +moment he looked so exceedingly plain and foolish, that nobody +could help laughing at him. When he had entered the room, he was +observed to carry a rose in his hand, which fell out of it as he +tumbled. + +"My rose! my rose!" cried Bulbo; and his chamberlain dashed +forwards and picked it up, and gave it to the Prince, who put it in +his waistcoat. Then people wondered why they had laughed; there +was nothing particularly ridiculous in him. He was rather short, +rather stout, rather red-haired, but, in fine, for a Prince, not so +bad. + +So they sat and talked, the Royal personages together, the Crim +Tartar officers with those of Paflagonia--Giglio very comfortable +with Gruffanuff behind the throne. He looked at her with such +tender eyes, that her heart was all in a flutter. "Oh, dear +Prince," she said, "how could you speak so haughtily in presence of +Their Majesties? I protest I thought I should have fainted." + +"I should have caught you in my arms," said Giglio, looking +raptures. + +"Why were you so cruel to Prince Bulbo, dear Prince?" says Gruff. + +"Because I hate him," says Gil. + +"You are jealous of him, and still love poor Angelica," cries +Gruffanuff, putting her handkerchief to her eyes. + +"I did, but I love her no more!" Giglio cried. "I despise her! +Were she heiress to twenty thousand thrones, I would despise her +and scorn her. But why speak of thrones? I have lost mine. I am +too weak to recover it--I am alone, and have no friend." + +"Oh, say not so, dear Prince!" says Gruffanuff. + +"Besides," says he, "I am so happy here BEHIND THE THRONE, that I +would not change my place, no, not for the throne of the world!" + +"What are you two people chattering about there?" says the Queen, +who was rather good-natured, though not over-burthened with wisdom. +"It is time to dress for dinner. Giglio, show Prince Bulbo to his +room. Prince, if your clothes have not come, we shall be very +happy to see you as you are." But when Prince Bulbo got to his +bedroom, his luggage was there and unpacked; and the hairdresser +coming in, cut and curled him entirely to his own satisfaction; and +when the dinner-bell rang, the Royal company had not to wait above +five-and-twenty minutes until Bulbo appeared, during which time the +King, who could not bear to wait, grew as sulky as possible. As +for Giglio, he never left Madam Gruffanuff all this time, but stood +with her in the embrasure of a window, paying her compliments. At +length the Groom of the Chambers announced His Royal Highness the +Prince of Crim Tartary! and the noble company went into the royal +dining-room. It was quite a small party; only the King and Queen, +the Princess, whom Bulbo took out, the two Princes, Countess +Gruffanuff, Glumboso the Prime Minister, and Prince Bulbo's +chamberlain. You may be sure they had a very good dinner--let +every boy or girl think of what he or she likes best, and fancy it +on the table.* + + +* Here a very pretty game may be played by all the children saying +what they like best for dinner. + + +The Princess talked incessantly all dinner-time to the Prince of +Crimea, who ate an immense deal too much, and never took his eyes +off his plate, except when Giglio, who was carving a goose, sent a +quantity of stuffing and onion sauce into one of them. Giglio only +burst out a-laughing as the Crimean Prince wiped his shirt-front +and face with his scented pocket-handkerchief. He did not make +Prince Bulbo any apology. When the Prince looked at him, Giglio +would not look that way. When Prince Bulbo said, "Prince Giglio, +may I have the honor of taking a glass of wine with you?" Giglio +WOULDN'T answer. All his talk and his eyes were for Countess +Gruffanuff, who you may be sure was pleased with Giglio's +attentions--the vain old creature! When he was not complimenting +her, he was making fun of Prince Bulbo, so loud that Gruffanuff was +always tapping him with her fan, and saying, "Oh, you satirical +Prince! Oh, fie, the Prince will hear!" "Well, I don't mind," +says Giglio, louder still. The King and Queen luckily did not +hear; for her Majesty was a little deaf, and the King thought so +much about his own dinner, and, besides, made such a dreadful +noise, hob-gobbling in eating it, that he heard nothing else. +After dinner, his Majesty and the Queen went to sleep in their arm- +chairs. + +This was the time when Giglio began his tricks with Prince Bulbo, +plying that young gentleman with port, sherry, madeira, champagne, +marsala, cherry-brandy, and pale ale, of all of which Master Bulbo +drank without stint. But in plying his guest, Giglio was obliged +to drink himself, and, I am sorry to say, took more than was good +for him, so that the young men were very noisy, rude, and foolish +when they joined the ladies after dinner; and dearly did they pay +for that imprudence, as now, my darlings, you shall hear! + +Bulbo went and sat by the piano, where Angelica was playing and +singing, and he sang out of tune, and he upset the coffee when the +footman brought it, and he laughed out of place, and talked +absurdly, and fell asleep and snored horridly. Booh, the nasty +pig! But as he lay there stretched on the pink satin sofa, +Angelica still persisted in thinking him the most beautiful of +human beings. No doubt the magic rose which Bulbo wore caused this +infatuation on Angelica's part; but is she the first young woman +who has thought a silly fellow charming? + +Giglio must go and sit by Gruffanuff, whose old face he, too, every +moment began to find more lovely. He paid the most outrageous +compliments to her:--There never was such a darling. Older than he +was?--Fiddle-de-dee! He would marry her--he would, have nothing +but her! + +To marry the heir to the throne! Here was a chance! The artful +hussy actually got a sheet of paper, and wrote upon it, "This is to +give notice that I, Giglio, only son of Savio, King of Paflagonia, +hereby promise to marry the charming and virtuous Barbara Griselda +Countess Gruffanuff, and widow of the late Jenkins Gruffanuff, +Esq." + +"What is it you are writing, you charming Gruffy?" says Giglio, who +was lolling on the sofa, by the writing-table. + +"Only an order for you to sign, dear Prince, for giving coals and +blankets to the poor, this cold weather. Look! the King and Queen +are both asleep, and your Royal Highness's order will do." + +So Giglio, who was very good-natured, as Gruffy well knew, signed +the order immediately; and, when she had it in her pocket, you may +fancy what airs she gave herself. She was ready to flounce out of +the room before the Queen herself, as now she was the wife of the +RIGHTFUL King of Paflagonia! She would not speak to Glumboso, whom +she thought a brute, for depriving her DEAR HUSBAND of the crown! +And when candles came, and she had helped to undress the Queen and +Princess, she went into her own room, and actually practiced on a +sheet of paper, "Griselda Paflagonia," "Barbara Regina," "Griselda +Barbara, Paf. Reg.," and I don't know what signatures besides, +against the day when she should be Queen forsooth! + + +IX. HOW BETSINDA GOT THE WARMING PAN. + + +Little Betsinda came in to put Gruffanuff's hair in papers; and the +Countess was so pleased, that, for a wonder, she complimented +Betsinda. "Betsinda!" she said, "you dressed my hair very nicely +today; I promised you a little present. Here are five sh--no, here +is a pretty little ring, that I picked--that I have had some time." +And she gave Betsinda the ring she had picked up in the court. It +fitted Betsinda exactly. + +"It's like the ring the Princess used to wear," says the maid. + +"No such thing," says Gruffanuff, "I have had it this ever so long. +There, tuck me up quite comfortable; and now, as it's a very cold +night (the snow was beating in at the window), you may go and warm +dear Prince Giglio's bed, like a good girl, and then you may unrip +my green silk, and then you can just do me up a little cap for the +morning, and then you can mend that hole in my silk stocking, and +then you can go to bed, Betsinda. Mind I shall want my cup of tea +at five o'clock in the morning." + +"I suppose I had best warm both the young gentlemen's beds, Ma'am," +says Betsinda. + +Gruffanuff, for reply, said, "Hau-au-ho!--Grau-haw-hoo!--Hong- +hrho!" In fact, she was snoring sound asleep. + +Her room, you know, is next to the King and Queen, and the Princess +is next to them. So pretty Betsinda went away for the coals to the +kitchen, and filled the royal warming-pan. + +Now, she was a very kind, merry, civil, pretty girl; but there must +have been something very captivating about her this evening, for +all the women in the servants' hall began to scold and abuse her. +The housekeeper said she was a pert, stuck-up thing: the upper- +housemaid asked, how dare she wear such ringlets and ribbons, it +was quite improper! The cook (for there was a woman-cook as well +as a man-cook) said to the kitchen-maid that SHE never could see +anything in that creetur: but as for the men, every one of them, +Coachman, John, Buttons, the page, and Monsieur, the Prince of Crim +Tartary's valet, started up, and said-- + +"My eyes! } +"O mussey! } what a pretty girl Betsinda is!" +"O jemmany! } +"O ciel! } + +"Hands off; none of your impertinence, you vulgar, low people!" +says Betsinda, walking off with her pan of coals. She heard the +young gentlemen playing at billiards as she went upstairs: first to +Prince Giglio's bed, which she warmed, and then to Prince Bulbo's +room. + +He came in just as she had done; and as soon as he saw her, "O! O! +O! O! O! O! what a beyou--oo--ootiful creature you are! You angel-- +you Peri--you rosebud, let me be thy bulbul--thy Bulbo, too! Fly +to the desert, fly with me! I never saw a young gazelle to glad me +with its dark blue eye that had eyes like thine. Thou nymph of +beauty, take, take this young heart. A truer never did itself +sustain within a soldier's waistcoat. Be mine! Be mine! Be +Princess of Crim Tartary! My Royal father will approve our union; +and, as for that little carroty-haired Angelica, I do not care a +fig for her any more." + +"Go away, Your Royal Highness, and go to bed, please," said +Betsinda, with the warming-pan. + +But Bulbo said, "No, never, till thou swearest to be mine, thou +lovely, blushing chambermaid divine! Here, at thy feet, the Royal +Bulbo lies, the trembling captive of Betsinda's eyes." + +And he went on, making himself SO ABSURD AND RIDICULOUS, that +Betsinda, who was full of fun, gave him a touch with the warming- +pan, which, I promise you, made him cry "O-o-o-o!" in a very +different manner. + +Prince Bulbo made such a noise that Prince Giglio, who heard him +from the next room, came in to see what was the matter. As soon as +he saw what was taking place, Giglio, in a fury, rushed on Bulbo, +kicked him in the rudest manner up to the ceiling, and went on +kicking him till his hair was quite out of curl. + +Poor Betsinda did not know whether to laugh or to cry; the kicking +certainly must hurt the Prince, but then he looked so droll! When +Giglio had done knocking him up and down to the ground, and whilst +he went into a corner rubbing himself, what do you think Giglio +does? He goes down on his own knees to Betsinda, takes her hand, +begs her to accept his heart, and offers to marry her that moment. +Fancy Betsinda's condition, who had been in love with the Prince +ever since she first saw him in the palace garden, when she was +quite a little child. + +"Oh, divine Betsinda!" says the Prince, "how have I lived fifteen +years in thy company without seeing thy perfections? What woman in +all Europe, Asia, Africa, and America, nay, in Australia, only it +is not yet discovered, can presume to be thy equal? Angelica? +Pish! Gruffanuff? Phoo! The Queen? Ha, ha! Thou art my Queen. +Thou art the real Angelica, because thou art really angelic." + +"Oh, Prince! I am but a poor chambermaid," says Betsinda, looking, +however, very much pleased. + +"Didst thou not tend me in my sickness, when all forsook me?" +continues Giglio. "Did not thy gentle hand smooth my pillow, and +bring me jelly and roast chicken?" + +"Yes, dear Prince, I did," says Betsinda, "and I sewed Your Royal +Highness's shirt-buttons on too, if you please, Your Royal +Highness," cries this artless maiden. + +When poor Prince Bulbo, who was now madly in love with Betsinda, +heard this declaration, when he saw the unmistakable glances which +she flung upon Giglio, Bulbo began to cry bitterly, and tore +quantities of hair out of his head, till it all covered the room +like so much tow. + +Betsinda had left the warming-pan on the floor while the princes +were going on with their conversation, and as they began now to +quarrel and be very fierce with one another, she thought proper to +run away. + +"You great big blubbering booby, tearing your hair in the corner +there; of course you will give me satisfaction for insulting +Betsinda. YOU dare to kneel down at Princess Giglio's knees and +kiss her hand!" + +"She's not Princess Giglio!" roars out Bulbo. "She shall be +Princess Bulbo, no other shall be Princess Bulbo." + +"You are engaged to my cousin!" bellows out Giglio. + +"I hate your cousin," says Bulbo. + +"You shall give me satisfaction for insulting her!" cries Giglio in +a fury. + +"I'll have your life." + +"I'll run you through." + +"I'll cut your throat." + +"I'll blow your brains out." + +"I'll knock your head off." + +"I'll send a friend to you in the morning." + +'I'll send a bullet into you in the afternoon." + +"We'll meet again," says Giglio, shaking his fist in Bulbo's face; +and seizing up the warming-pan, he kissed it, because, forsooth, +Betsinda had carried it, and rushed downstairs. What should he see +on the landing but his Majesty talking to Betsinda, whom he called +by all sorts of fond names. His Majesty had heard a row in the +building, so he stated, and smelling something burning, had come +out to see what the matter was. + +"It's the young gentlemen smoking, perhaps, sir," says Betsinda. + +"Charming chambermaid," says the King (like all the rest of them), +"never mind the young men! Turn thy eyes on a middle-aged +autocrat, who has been considered not ill-looking in his time." + +"Oh, sir! what will her Majesty say?" cries Betsinda. + +"Her Majesty!" laughs the monarch. "Her Majesty be hanged. Am I +not Autocrat of Paflagonia? Have I not blocks, ropes, axes, +hangmen--ha? Runs not a river by my palace wall? Have I not sacks +to sew up wives withal? Say but the word, that thou wilt be mine +own,--your mistress straightway in a sack is sewn, and thou the +sharer of my heart and throne." + +When Giglio heard these atrocious sentiments, he forgot the respect +usually paid to Royalty, lifted up the warming-pan, and knocked +down the King as flat as a pancake; after which, Master Giglio took +to his heels and ran away, and Betsinda went off screaming, and the +Queen, Gruffanuff, and the Princess, all came out of their rooms. +Fancy their feelings on beholding their husband, father, sovereign, +in this posture! + + +X. HOW KING VALOROSO WAS IN A DREADFUL PASSION. + + +As soon as the coals began to burn him, the King came to himself +and stood up. "Ho! my captain of the guards!" his Majesty +exclaimed, stamping his royal feet with rage. O piteous spectacle! +the King's nose was bent quite crooked by the blow of Prince +Giglio! His Majesty ground his teeth with rage. "Hedzoff," he +said, taking a death-warrant out of his dressing-gown pocket, +"Hedzoff, good Hedzoff, seize upon the Prince. Thou'lt find him in +his chamber two pair up. But now he dared, with sacrilegious hand, +to strike the sacred night-cap of a king--Hedzoff, and floor me +with a warming-pan! Away, no more demur, the villain dies! See it +be done, or else,--h'm--ha!--h'm! mind thine own eyes!" And +followed by the ladies, and lifting up the tails of his dressing- +gown, the King entered his own apartment. + +Captain Hedzoff was very much affected, having a sincere love for +Giglio. "Poor, poor Giglio!" he said, the tears rolling over his +manly face, and dripping down his moustachios; "my noble young +Prince, is it my hand must lead thee to death?" + +"Lead him to fiddlestick, Hedzoff," said a female voice. It was +Gruffanuff, who had come out in her dressing-gown when she heard +the noise. "The King said you were to hang the Prince. Well, hang +the Prince." + +"I don't understand you," says Hedzoff, who was not a very clever +man. + +"You Gaby! he didn't say WHICH Prince," says Gruffanuff. + +"No; he didn't say which, certainly," said Hedzoff. + +"Well then, take Bulbo, and hang HIM!" + +When Captain Hedzoff heard this, he began to dance about for joy. +"Obedience is a soldier's honor," says he. "Prince Bulbo's head +will do capitally;" and he went to arrest the Prince the very first +thing next morning. + +He knocked at the door. "Who's there?" says Bulbo. "Captain +Hedzoff? Step in, pray, my good Captain; I'm delighted to see you; +I have been expecting you." + +"Have you?" says Hedzoff. + +"Sleibootz, my Chamberlain, will act for me," says the Prince. + +"I beg Your Royal Highness's pardon, but you will have to act for +yourself, and it's a pity to wake Baron Sleibootz." + +The Prince Bulbo still seemed to take the matter very coolly. "Of +course, Captain," says he, "you are come about that affair with +Prince Giglio?" + +"Precisely," says Hedzoff, "that affair of Prince Giglio." + +"Is it to be pistols, or swords, Captain?" asks Bulbo. "I'm a +pretty good hand with both, and I'll do for Prince Giglio as sure +as my name is My Royal Highness Prince Bulbo." + +"There's some mistake, my Lord," says the Captain. "The business +is done with AXES among us." + +"Axes? That's sharp work," says Bulbo. "Call my Chamberlain, +he'll be my second, and in ten minutes, I flatter myself, you'll +see Master Giglio's head off his impertinent shoulders. I'm hungry +for his blood Hoo-oo--aw!" and he looked as savage as an ogre. + +"I beg your pardon, sir, but by this warrant I am to take you +prisoner, and hand you over to--to the executioner." + +"Pooh, pooh, my good man!--Stop, I say,--ho!--hulloa!" was all +that this luckless Prince was enabled to say: for Hedzoff's guards +seizing him, tied a handkerchief over his mouth and face, and +carried him to the place of execution. + +The King, who happened to be talking to Glumboso, saw him pass, and +took a pinch of snuff and said, "So much for Giglio. Now let's go +to breakfast." + +The Captain of the Guard handed over his prisoner to the Sheriff, +with the fatal order, + + +"AT SIGHT CUT OFF THE BEARER'S HEAD. + +"VALOROSO XXIV." + + +"It's a mistake," says Bulbo, who did not seem to understand the +business in the least. + +"Poo--poo--pooh," says the Sheriff. "Fetch Jack Ketch instantly. +Jack Ketch!" + +And poor Bulbo was led to the scaffold, where an executioner with a +block and a tremendous axe was always ready in case he should be +wanted. + +But we must now revert to Giglio and Betsinda. + + +XI. WHAT GRUFFANUFF DID TO GIGLIO AND BETSINDA. + + +Gruffanuff, who had seen what had happened with the King, and knew +that Giglio must come to grief, got up very early the next morning, +and went to devise some plans for rescuing her darling husband, as +the silly old thing insisted on calling him. She found him walking +up and down the garden, thinking of a rhyme for Betsinda (TINDER +and WINDA were all he could find), and indeed having forgotten all +about the past evening, except that Betsinda was the most lovely of +beings. + +"Well, dear Giglio," says Gruff. + +"Well, dear Gruffy," says Giglio, only HE was quite satirical. + +"I have been thinking, darling, what you must do in this scrape. +You must fly the country for a while." + +"What scrape?--fly the country? Never without her I love, +Countess," says Giglio. + +"No, she will accompany you, dear Prince," she says, in her most +coaxing accents. "First, we must get the jewels belonging to our +royal parents, and those of her and his present Majesty. Here is +the key, duck; they are all yours, you know, by right, for you are +the rightful King of Paflagonia, and your wife will be the rightful +Queen." + +"Will she?" says Giglio. + +"Yes; and having got the jewels, go to Glumboso's apartment, where, +under his bed, you will find sacks containing money to the amount +of L217,000,000,987,439, 13s. 6-1/2d., all belonging to you, for he +took it out of your royal father's room on the day of his death. +With this we will fly." + +"WE will fly?" says Giglio. + +"Yes, you and your bride--your affianced love--your Gruffy!" says +the Countess, with a languishing leer. + +"YOU my bride!" says Giglio. "You, you hideous old woman!" + +"Oh, you--you wretch! didn't you give me this paper promising +marriage?" cries Gruff. + +"Get away, you old goose! I love Betsinda, and Betsinda only!" +And in a fit of terror he ran from her as quickly as he could. + +"He! he! he!" shrieks out Gruff; "a promise is a promise if there +are laws in Paflagonia! And as for that monster, that wretch, that +fiend, that ugly little vixen--as for that upstart, that ingrate, +that beast, Betsinda, Master Giglio will have no little difficulty +in discovering her whereabouts. He may look very long before +finding HER, I warrant. He little knows that Miss Betsinda is--" + + +Is--what? Now, you shall hear. Poor Betsinda got up at five in +winter's morning to bring her cruel mistress her tea; and instead +of finding her in a good humor, found Gruffy as cross as two +sticks. The Countess boxed Betsinda's ears half a dozen times +whilst she was dressing; but as poor little Betsinda was used to +this kind of treatment, she did not feel any special alarm. "And +now," says she, "when her Majesty rings her bell twice, I'll +trouble you, miss, to attend." + +So when the Queen's bell rang twice, Betsinda came to her Majesty +and made a pretty little curtsey. The Queen, the Princess, and +Gruffanuff were all three in the room. As soon as they saw her +they began, + +"You wretch!" says the Queen. + +"You little vulgar thing!" says the Princess. + +"You beast!" says Gruffanuff. + +"Get out of my sight!" says the Queen. + +"Go away with you, do!" says the Princess. + +"Quit the premises!" says Gruffanuff. + +"Alas! and woe is me!" very lamentable events had occurred to +Betsinda that morning, and all in consequence of that fatal +warming-pan business of the previous night. The King had offered +to marry her; of course her Majesty the Queen was jealous: Bulbo +had fallen in love with her; of course Angelica was furious: Giglio +was in love with her, and oh, what a fury Gruffy was in! + + { cap } +"Take off that {petticoat} I gave you," they said, all at once, + { gown } + +and began tearing the clothes off poor Betsinda. + + { the King?" } +"How dare you flirt with {Prince Bulbo?" } cried the Queen, the + {Prince Giglio?"} Princess, and Countess. + +"Give her the rags she wore when she came into the house, and turn +her out of it!" cries the Queen. + +"Mind she does not go with MY shoes on, which I lent her so +kindly," says the Princess; and indeed the Princess's shoes were +a great deal too big for Betsinda. + +"Come with me, you filthy hussy!" and taking up the Queen's poker, +the cruel Gruffanuff drove Betsinda into her room. + +The Countess went to the glass box in which she had kept Betsinda's +old cloak and shoe this ever so long, and said, "Take those rags, +you little beggar creature, and strip off everything belonging to +honest people, and go about your business"; and she actually tore +off the poor little delicate thing's back almost all her things, +and told her to be off out of the house. + +Poor Betsinda huddled the cloak round her back, on which were +embroidered the letters PRIN. . . . ROSAL . . and then came a great +rent. + +As for the shoe, what was she to do with one poor little tootsey +sandal? The string was still to it, so she hung it round her neck. + +"Won't you give me a pair of shoes to go out in the snow, mum, if +you please, mum?" cried the poor child. + +"No, you wicked beast!" says Gruffanuff, driving her along with the +poker--driving her down the cold stairs--driving her through the +cold hall--flinging her out into the cold street, so that the +knocker itself shed tears to see her! + +But a kind fairy made the soft snow warm for her little feet, and +she wrapped herself up in the ermine of her mantle, and was gone! + + +"And now let us think about breakfast," says the greedy Queen. + +"What dress shall I put on, mamma? the pink or the pea-green?" says +Angelica. "Which do you think the dear Prince will like best?" + +"Mrs. V.!" sings out the King from his dressing-room, "let us have +sausages for breakfast! Remember we have Prince Bulbo staying with +us!" + +And they all went to get ready. + +Nine o'clock came, and they were all in the breakfast-room, and no +Prince Bulbo as yet. The urn was hissing and humming: the muffins +were smoking--such a heap of muffins! the eggs were done, there was +a pot of raspberry jam, and coffee, and a beautiful chicken and +tongue on the side-table. Marmitonio the cook brought in the +sausages. Oh, how nice they smelt! + +"Where is Bulbo?" said the King. "John, where is His Royal +Highness?" + +John said he had a took hup His Roilighnessesses shaving-water, and +his clothes and things, and he wasn't in his room, which he sposed +His Royliness was just stepped hout. + +"Stepped out before breakfast in the snow! Impossible!" says the +King, sticking his fork into a sausage. "My dear, take one. +Angelica, won't you have a saveloy?" The Princess took one, being +very fond of them; and at this moment Glumboso entered with Captain +Hedzoff, both looking very much disturbed. + +"I am afraid Your Majesty--" cries Glumboso. + +"No business before breakfast, Glum!" says the King." Breakfast +first, business next. Mrs. V., some more sugar!" + +"Sire, I am afraid if we wait till after breakfast it will be too +late," says Glumboso. "He--he--he'll be hanged at half-past nine." + +"Don't talk about hanging and spoil my breakfast, you unkind, +vulgar man you," cries the Princess. "John, some mustard. Pray +who is to be hanged?" + +"Sire, it is the Prince," whispers Glumboso to the King. + +"Talk about business after breakfast, I tell you!" says his +Majesty, quite sulky. + +"We shall have a war, Sire, depend on it," says the Minister. "His +father, King Padella. . . ." + +"His father, King WHO?" says the King. "King Padella is not +Giglio's father. My brother, King Savio, was Giglio's father." + +"It's Prince Bulbo they are hanging, Sire, not Prince Giglio," says +the Prime Minister. + +"You told me to hang the Prince, and I took the ugly one," says +Hedzoff. "I didn't, of course, think Your Majesty intended to +murder your own flesh and blood!" + +The King for all reply flung the plate of sausages at Hedzoff's +head. The Princess cried out "Hee-karee-karee!" and fell down in a +fainting fit. + +"Turn the cock of the urn upon Her Royal Highness," said the King, +and the boiling water gradually revived her. His Majesty looked at +his watch, compared it by the clock in the parlor, and by that of +the church in the square opposite; then he wound it up; then he +looked at it again. "The great question is," says he, "am I fast +or am I slow? If I'm slow, we may as well go on with breakfast. +If I'm fast, why, there is just the possibility of saving Prince +Bulbo. It's a doosid awkward mistake, and upon my word, Hedzoff, I +have the greatest mind to have you hanged too." + +"Sire, I did but my duty: a soldier has but his orders. I didn't +expect after forty-seven years of faithful service, that my +sovereign would think of putting me to a felon's death!" + +"A hundred thousand plagues upon you! Can't you see that while you +are talking my Bulbo is being hung?" screamed the Princess. + +"By Jove! she's always right, that girl, and I'm so absent," says +the King, looking at his watch again. "Ha! there go the drums! +What a doosid awkward thing though!" + +"O, papa, you goose! Write the reprieve, and let me run with it," +cries the Princess--and she got a sheet of paper, and pen and ink, +and laid them before the King. + +"Confound it! Where are my spectacles?" the Monarch exclaimed. +"Angelica! Go up into my bedroom, look under my pillow, not your +mamma's; there you'll see my keys. Bring them down to me, and-- +Well, well! what impetuous things these girls are!" Angelica was +gone, and had run up panting to the bedroom, and found the keys, +and was back again before the King had finished a muffin. "Now, +love," says he, "you must go all the way back for my desk, in which +my spectacles are. If you would but have heard me out. . . . Be +hanged to her! There she is off again. Angelica! ANGELICA!" When +his Majesty called in his LOUD voice, she knew she must obey, and +came back. + +"My dear, when you go out of a room, how often have I told you, +SHUT THE DOOR. That's a darling. That's all." At last the keys +and the desk and the spectacles were got, and the King mended his +pen, and signed his name to a reprieve, and Angelica ran with it as +swift as the wind. "You'd better stay, my love, and finish the +muffins. There's no use going. Be sure it's too late. Hand me +over that raspberry jam, please," said the Monarch. "Bong! +Bawong! There goes the half-hour. I knew it was." + +Angelica ran, and ran, and ran, and ran. She ran up Fore Street, +and down High Street, and through the Market-place, and down to the +left, and over the bridge, and up the blind alley, and back again, +and round by the Castle, and so along by the Haberdasher's on the +right, opposite the lamp-post, and round the square, and she came-- +she came to the EXECUTION PLACE, where she saw Bulbo laying his +head on the block!!! The executioner raised his axe, but at that +moment the Princess came panting up and cried Reprieve! "Reprieve!" +screamed the Princess. "Reprieve!" shouted all the people. Up the +scaffold stairs she sprang, with the agility of a lighter of lamps; +and flinging herself in Bulbo's arms, regardless of all ceremony, +she cried out, "Oh, my Prince! my lord! my love! my Bulbo! Thine +Angelica has been in time to save thy precious existence, sweet +rosebud; to prevent thy being nipped in thy young bloom! Had aught +befallen thee, Angelica too had died, and welcomed death that joined +her to her Bulbo." + +"H'm! there's no accounting for tastes," said Bulbo, looking so +very much puzzled and uncomfortable that the Princess, in tones of +tenderest strain, asked the cause of his disquiet. + +"I tell you what it is, Angelica," said he, "since I came here +yesterday, there has been such a row, and disturbance, and +quarrelling, and fighting, and chopping of heads off, and the deuce +to pay, that I am inclined to go back to Crim Tartary." + +"But with me as thy bride, my Bulbo! Though wherever thou art is +Crim Tartary to me, my bold, my beautiful, my Bulbo!" + +"Well, well, I suppose we must be married," says Bulbo. "Doctor, +you came to read the Funeral Service--read the Marriage Service, +will you? What must be, must. That will satisfy Angelica, and +then, in the name of peace and quietness, do let us go back to +breakfast." + +Bulbo had carried a rose in his mouth all the time of the dismal +ceremony. It was a fairy rose, and he was told by his mother that +he ought never to part with it. So he had kept it between his +teeth, even when he laid his poor head upon the block, hoping +vaguely that some chance would turn up in his favor. As he began +to speak to Angelica, he forgot about the rose, and of course it +dropped out of his mouth. The romantic Princess instantly stooped +and seized it. "Sweet rose!" she exclaimed, "that bloomed upon my +Bulbo's lip, never, never will I part from thee!" and she placed it +in her bosom. And you know Bulbo COULDN'T ask her to give the rose +back again. And they went to breakfast; and as they walked, it +appeared to Bulbo that Angelica became more exquisitely lovely +every moment. + +He was frantic until they were married; and now, strange to say, it +was Angelica who didn't care about him! He knelt down, he kissed +her hand, he prayed and begged; he cried with admiration; while she +for her part said she really thought they might wait; it seemed to +her he was not handsome any more--no, not at all, quite the +reverse; and not clever, no, very stupid; and not well bred, like +Giglio; no, on the contrary, dreadfully vul-- + +What, I cannot say, for King Valoroso roared out "POOH, stuff!" in +a terrible voice. "We will have no more of this shilly-shallying! +Call the Archbishop, and let the Prince and Princess be married +offhand!" + +So, married they were, and I am sure for my part I trust they will +be happy. + + +XII. HOW BETSINDA FLED, AND WHAT BECAME OF HER. + + +Betsinda wandered on and on, till she passed through the town +gates, and so on the great Crim Tartary road, the very way on which +Giglio too was going. "Ah!" thought she, as the diligence passed +her, of which the conductor was blowing a delightful tune on his +horn, "how I should like to be on that coach!" But the coach and +the jingling horses were very soon gone. She little knew who was +in it, though very likely she was thinking of him all the time. + +Then came an empty cart, returning from market; and the driver +being a kind man, and seeing such a very pretty girl trudging along +the road with bare feet, most good-naturedly gave her a seat. He +said he lived on the confines of the forest, where his old father +was a woodman, and, if she liked, he would take her so far on her +road. All roads were the same to little Betsinda, so she very +thankfully took this one. + +And the carter put a cloth round her bare feet, and gave her some +bread and cold bacon, and was very kind to her. For all that she +was very cold and melancholy. When after travelling on and on, +evening came, and all the black pines were bending with snow, and +there, at last, was the comfortable light beaming in the woodman's +windows; and so they arrived, and went into his cottage. He was an +old man, and had a number of children, who were just at supper, +with nice hot bread-and-milk, when their elder brother arrived with +the cart. And they jumped and clapped their hands; for they were +good children; and he had brought them toys from the town. And +when they saw the pretty stranger, they ran to her, and brought her +to the fire, and rubbed her poor little feet, and brought her bread +and milk. + +"Look, father!" they said to the old woodman, "look at this poor +girl, and see what pretty cold feet she has. They are as white as +our milk! And look and see what an odd cloak she has, just like +the bit of velvet that hangs up in our cupboard, and which you +found that day the little cubs were killed by King Padella, in the +forest! And look, why, bless us all! she has got round her neck +just such another little shoe as that you brought home, and have +shown us so often--a little blue velvet shoe!" + +"What," said the old woodman, "what is all this about a shoe and a +cloak?" + +And Betsinda explained that she had been left, when quite a little +child, at the town with this cloak and this shoe. And the persons +who had taken care of her had--had been angry with her, for no +fault, she hoped, of her own. And they had sent her away with her +old clothes--and here, in fact, she was. She remembered having +been in a forest--and perhaps it was a dream--it was so very odd +and strange--having lived in a cave with lions there; and, before +that, having lived in a very, very fine house, as fine as the +King's, in the town. + +When the woodman heard this, he was so astonished, it was quite +curious to see how astonished he was. He went to his cupboard, and +took out of a stocking a five-shilling piece of King Cavolfiore, +and vowed it was exactly like the young woman. And then he +produced the shoe and piece of velvet which he had kept so long, +and compared them with the things which Betsinda wore. In +Betsinda's little shoe was written, "Hopkins, maker to the Royal +Family"; so in the other shoe was written, "Hopkins, maker to the +Royal Family." In the inside of Betsinda's piece of cloak was +embroidered, "PRIN ROSAL"; in the other piece of cloak was +embroidered "CESS BA. NO. 246." So that when put together you +read, "PRINCESS ROSALBA. NO. 246." + +On seeing this, the dear old woodman fell down on his knee, saying, +"O my Princess, O my gracious royal lady, O my rightful Queen of +Crim Tartary,--I hail thee--I acknowledge thee--I do thee homage!" +And in token of his fealty, he rubbed his venerable nose three +times on the ground, and put the Princess's foot on his head. + +"Why," said she, "my good woodman, you must be a nobleman of my +royal father's Court!" For in her lowly retreat, and under the +name of Betsinda, HER MAJESTY, ROSALBA, Queen of Crim Tartary, had +read of the customs of all foreign courts and nations. + +"Marry, indeed, am I, my gracious liege--the poor Lord Spinachi +once--the humble woodman these fifteen years syne--ever since the +tyrant Padella (may ruin overtake the treacherous knave!) dismissed +me from my post of First Lord." + +"First Lord of the Toothpick and Joint Keeper of the Snuffbox? I +mind me! Thou heldest these posts under our royal Sire. They are +restored to thee, Lord Spinachi! I make thee knight of the second +class of our Order of the Pumpkin (the first class being reserved +for crowned heads alone). Rise, Marquis of Spinachi!" And with +indescribable majesty, the Queen, who had no sword handy, waved the +pewter spoon with which she had been taking her bread-and-milk, +over the bald head of the old nobleman, whose tears absolutely made +a puddle on the ground, and whose dear children went to bed that +night Lords and Ladies Bartolomeo, Ubaldo, Catarina, and Ottavia +degli Spinachi! + +The acquaintance HER MAJESTY showed with the history, and NOBLE +FAMILIES of her empire, was wonderful. "The House of Broccoli +should remain faithful to us," she said; "they were ever welcome at +our Court. Have the Articiocchi, as was their wont, turned to the +Rising Sun? The family of Sauerkraut must sure be with us--they +were ever welcome in the halls of King Cavolfiore." And so she +went on enumerating quite a list of the nobility and gentry of Crim +Tartary, so admirably had her Majesty profited by her studies while +in exile. + +The old Marquis of Spinachi said he could answer for them all; that +the whole country groaned under Padella's tyranny, and longed to +return to its rightful sovereign; and late as it was, he sent his +children, who knew the forest well, to summon this nobleman and +that; and when his eldest son, who had been rubbing the horse down +and giving him his supper, came into the house for his own, the +Marquis told him to put his boots on, and a saddle on the mare, and +ride hither and thither to such and such people. + +When the young man heard who his companion in the cart had been, he +too knelt down and put her royal foot on his head; he too bedewed +the ground with his tears; he was frantically in love with her, as +everybody now was who saw her: so were the young Lords Bartolomeo +and Ubaldo, who punched each other's little heads out of jealousy: +and so, when they came from east and west at the summons of the +Marquis degli Spinachi, were the Crim Tartar Lords who still +remained faithful to the House of Cavolfiore. They were such very +old gentlemen for the most part that her Majesty never suspected +their absurd passion, and went among them quite unaware of the +havoc her beauty was causing, until an old blind Lord who had +joined her party told her what the truth was; after which, for fear +of making the people too much in love with her, she always wore a +veil. She went about privately, from one nobleman's castle to +another; and they visited among themselves again, and had meetings, +and composed proclamations and counter-proclamations, and +distributed all the best places of the kingdom amongst one another, +and selected who of the opposition party should be executed when +the Queen came to her own. And so in about a year they were ready +to move. + +The party of Fidelity was in truth composed of very feeble old +fogies for the most part; they went about the country waving their +old swords and flags, and calling "God save the Queen!" and King +Padella happening to be absent upon an invasion, they had their own +way for a little, and to be sure the people were very enthusiastic +whenever they saw the Queen; otherwise the vulgar took matters very +quietly, for they said, as far as they could recollect, they were +pretty well as much taxed in Cavolfiore's time, as now in +Padella's. + + +XIII. HOW QUEEN ROSALBA CAME TO THE CASTLE OF THE BOLD COUNT +HOGGINARMO. + + +Her Majesty, having indeed nothing else to give, made all her +followers Knights of the Pumpkin, and Marquises, Earls, and +Baronets; and they had a little court for her, and made her a +little crown of gilt paper, and a robe of cotton velvet; and they +quarrelled about the places to be given away in her court, and +about rank and precedence and dignities;--you can't think how they +quarrelled! The poor Queen was very tired of her honors before she +had had them a month, and I dare say sighed sometimes even to be a +lady's-maid again. But we must all do our duty in our respective +stations, so the Queen resigned herself to perform hers. + +We have said how it happened that none of the Usurper's troops came +out to oppose this Army of Fidelity: it pottered along as nimbly as +the gout of the principal commanders allowed: it consisted of twice +as many officers as soldiers: and at length passed near the estates +of one of the most powerful noblemen of the country, who had not +declared for the Queen, but of whom her party had hopes, as he was +always quarrelling with King Padella. + +When they came close to his park gates, this nobleman sent to say +he would wait upon her Majesty: he was a most powerful warrior, and +his name was Count Hogginarmo, whose helmet it took two strong +negroes to carry. He knelt down before her and said, "Madam and +liege lady! it becomes the great nobles of the Crimean realm to +show every outward sign of respect to the wearer of the Crown, +whoever that may be. We testify to our own nobility in +acknowledging yours. The bold Hogginarmo bends the knee to the +first of the aristocracy of his country." + +Rosalba said the bold Count of Hogginarmo was uncommonly kind; but +she felt afraid of him, even while he was kneeling, and his eyes +scowled at her from between his whiskers, which grew up to them. + +"The first Count of the Empire, madam," he went on, "salutes the +Sovereign. The Prince addresses himself to the not more noble +lady! Madam, my hand is free, and I offer it, and my heart and my +sword to your service! My three wives lie buried in my ancestral +vaults. The third perished but a year since; and this heart pines +for a consort! Deign to be mine, and I swear to bring to your +bridal table the head of King Padella, the eyes and nose of his son +Prince Bulbo, the right hand and ears of the usurping Sovereign of +Paflagonia, which country shall thenceforth be an appanage to your-- +to OUR Crown! Say yes; Hogginarmo is not accustomed to be denied. +Indeed I cannot contemplate the possibility of a refusal; for +frightful will be the result; dreadful the murders; furious the +devastations; horrible the tyranny; tremendous the tortures, +misery, taxation, which the people of this realm will endure, if +Hogginarmo's wrath be aroused! I see consent in Your Majesty's +lovely eyes--their glances fill my soul with rapture!" + +"Oh, sir!" Rosalba said, withdrawing her hand in great fright. +"Your Lordship is exceedingly kind; but I am sorry to tell you +that I have a prior attachment to a young gentleman by the name of-- +Prince Giglio--and never--never can marry any one but him." + +Who can describe Hogginarmo's wrath at this remark? Rising up from +the ground, he ground his teeth so that fire flashed out of his +mouth, from which at the same time issued remarks and language, so +LOUD, VIOLENT, AND IMPROPER, that this pen shall never repeat them! +"R-r-r-r-r-r--Rejected! Fiends and perdition! The bold Hogginarmo +rejected! All the world shall hear of my rage; and you, madam, you +above all shall rue it!" And kicking the two negroes before him, +he rushed away, his whiskers streaming in the wind. + +Her Majesty's Privy Council was in a dreadful panic when they saw +Hogginarmo issue from the royal presence in such a towering rage, +making footballs of the poor negroes--a panic which the events +justified. They marched off from Hogginarmo's park very crest- +fallen; and in another half-hour they were met by that rapacious +chieftain with a few of his followers, who cut, slashed, charged, +whacked, banged, and pommelled amongst them, took the Queen +prisoner, and drove the Army of Fidelity to I don't know where. + +Poor Queen! Hogginarmo, her conqueror, would not condescend to see +her. "Get a horse-van!" he said to his grooms, "clap the hussy +into it, and send her, with my compliments, to his Majesty King +Padella." + +Along with his lovely prisoner, Hogginarmo sent a letter full of +servile compliments and loathsome flatteries to King Padella, for +whose life, and that of his royal family, the HYPOCRITICAL HUMBUG +pretended to offer the most fulsome prayers. And Hogginarmo +promised speedily to pay his humble homage at his august master's +throne, of which he begged leave to be counted the most loyal and +constant defender. Such a WARY old BIRD as King Padella was not to +be caught by Master Hogginarmo's CHAFF and we shall hear presently +how the tyrant treated his upstart vassal. No, no; depend on't, +two such rogues do not trust one another. + +So this poor Queen was laid in the straw like Margery Daw, and +driven along in the dark ever so many miles to the Court, where +King Padella had now arrived, having vanquished all his enemies, +murdered most of them, and brought some of the richest into +captivity with him for the purpose of torturing them and finding +out where they had hidden their money. + +Rosalba heard their shrieks and groans in the dungeon in which she +was thrust; a most awful black hole, full of bats, rats, mice, +toads, frogs, mosquitoes, bugs, fleas, serpents, and every kind of +horror. No light was let into it, otherwise the gaolers might have +seen her and fallen in love with her, as an owl that lived up in +the roof of the tower did, and a cat, you know, who can see in the +dark, and having set its green eyes on Rosalba, never would be got +to go back to the turnkey's wife to whom it belonged. And the +toads in the dungeon came and kissed her feet, and the vipers wound +round her neck and arms, and never hurt her, so charming was this +poor Princess in the midst of her misfortunes. + +At last, after she had been kept in this place EVER SO LONG, the +door of the dungeon opened, and the terrible KING PADELLA came in. + +But what he said and did must be reserved for another chapter, as +we must now back to Prince Giglio. + + +XIV. WHAT BECAME OF GIGLIO. + + +The idea of marrying such an old creature as Gruffanuff frightened +Prince Giglio so, that he ran up to his room, packed his trunks, +fetched in a couple of porters, and was off to the diligence office +in a twinkling. + +It was well that he was so quick in his operations, did not dawdle +over his luggage, and took the early coach: for as soon as the +mistake about Prince Bulbo was found out, that cruel Glumboso sent +up a couple of policemen to Prince Giglio's room, with orders that +he should be carried to Newgate, and his head taken off before +twelve o'clock. But the coach was out of the Paflagonian dominions +before two o'clock; and I dare say the express that was sent after +Prince Giglio did not ride very quick, for many people in +Paflagonia had a regard for Giglio, as the son of their old +sovereign; a Prince who, with all his weaknesses, was very much +better than his brother, the usurping, lazy, careless, passionate, +tyrannical, reigning monarch. That Prince busied himself with the +balls, fetes, masquerades, hunting-parties, and so forth, which he +thought proper to give on occasion of his daughter's marriage to +Prince Bulbo; and let us trust was not sorry in his own heart that +his brother's son had escaped the scaffold. + +It was very cold weather, and the snow was on the ground, and +Giglio, who gave his name as simple Mr. Giles, was very glad to get +a comfortable place in the coupe of the diligence, where he sat +with the conductor and another gentleman. At the first stage from +Blombodinga, as they stopped to change horses, there came up to the +diligence a very ordinary, vulgar-looking woman, with a bag under +her arm, who asked for a place. All the inside places were taken, +and the young woman was informed that if she wished to travel, she +must go upon the roof; and the passenger inside with Giglio (a rude +person, I should think), put his head out of the window, and said, +"Nice weather for travelling outside! I wish you a pleasant +journey, my dear." The poor woman coughed very much, and Giglio +pitied her. "I will give up my place to her," says he, "rather +than she should travel in the cold air with that horrid cough." On +which the vulgar traveller said, "YOU'D keep her warm, I am sure, +if it's a MUFF she wants." On which Giglio pulled his nose, boxed +his ears, hit him in the eye, and gave this vulgar person a warning +never to call him MUFF again. + +Then he sprang up gaily on to the roof of the diligence, and made +himself very comfortable in the straw. The vulgar traveller got +down only at the next station, and Giglio took his place again, and +talked to the person next to him. She appeared to be a most +agreeable, well-informed, and entertaining female. They travelled +together till night, and she gave Giglio all sorts of things out of +the bag which she carried, and which indeed seemed to contain the +most wonderful collection of articles. He was thirsty--out there +came a pint bottle of Bass's pale ale, and a silver mug! Hungry-- +she took out a cold fowl, some slices of ham, bread, salt, and a +most delicious piece of cold plum-pudding, and a little glass of +brandy afterwards. + +As they travelled, this plain-looking, queer woman talked to Giglio +on a variety of subjects, in which the poor Prince showed his +ignorance as much as she did her capacity. He owned, with many +blushes, how ignorant he was; on which the lady said, "My dear +Gigl--my good Mr. Giles, you are a young man, and have plenty of +time before you. You have nothing to do but to improve yourself. +Who knows but that you may find use for your knowledge some day? +When--when you may be wanted at home, as some people may be." + +"Good heavens, madam!" says he, "do you know me?" + +"I know a number of funny things," says the lady. "I have been at +some people's christenings, and turned away from other folks' +doors. I have seen some people spoilt by good fortune, and others, +as I hope, improved by hardship. I advise you to stay at the town +where the coach stops for the night. Stay there and study, and +remember your old friend to whom you were kind." + +"And who is my old friend?" asked Giglio. + +"When you want anything," says the lady, "look in this bag, which I +leave to you as a present, and be grateful to--" + +"To whom, madam?" says he. + +"To the Fairy Blackstick," says the lady, flying out of the window. +And then Giglio asked the conductor if he knew where the lady was? + +"What lady?" says the man; "there has been no lady in this coach, +except the old woman, who got out at the last stage." And Giglio +thought he had been dreaming. But there was the bag which +Blackstick had given him lying on his lap; and when he came to the +town he took it in his hand and went into the inn. + +They gave him a very bad bedroom, and Giglio, when he woke in the +morning, fancying himself in the Royal Palace at home, called, +"John, Charles, Thomas! My chocolate--my dressing-gown--my +slippers;" but nobody came. There was no bell, so he went and +bawled out for water on the top of the stairs. + +The landlady came up, looking--looking like this-- + +"What are you a-hollering and a-bellaring for here, young man?" +says she. + +"There's no warm water--no servants; my boots are not even +cleaned." + +"He, he! Clean 'em yourself," says the landlady. "You young +students give yourselves pretty airs. I never heard such +impudence." + +"I'll quit the house this instant," says Giglio. + +"The sooner the better, young man. Pay your bill and be off. All +my rooms is wanted for gentlefolks, and not for such as you." + +"You may well keep the Bear Inn," said Giglio. "You should have +yourself painted as the sign." + +The landlady of the Bear went away GROWLING. And Giglio returned +to his room, where the first thing he saw was the fairy bag lying +on the table, which seemed to give a little hop as he came in. "I +hope it has some breakfast in it," says Giglio, "for I have only a +very little money left." But on opening the bag, what do you think +was there? A blacking brush and a pot of Warren's jet, and on the +pot was written, + + + "Poor young men their boots must black: + Use me and cork me and put me back." + + +So Giglio laughed and blacked his boots, and put back the brush and +the bottle into the bag. + +When he had done dressing himself, the bag gave another little hop, +and he went to it and took out-- + +1. A tablecloth and a napkin. + +2. A sugar-basin full of the best loaf-sugar. + +4, 6, 8, 10. Two forks, two teaspoons, two knives, and a pair of +sugar-tongs, and a butter-knife all marked G. + +11, 12, 13. A teacup, saucer, and slop-basin. + +14. A jug full of delicious cream. + +15. A canister with black tea and green. + +16. A large tea-urn and boiling water. + +17. A saucepan, containing three eggs nicely done. + +18. A quarter of a pound of best Epping butter. + +19. A brown loaf. + +And if he hadn't enough now for a good breakfast, I should like to +know who ever had one? + +Giglio, having had his breakfast, popped all the things back into +the bag, and went out looking for lodgings. I forgot to say that +this celebrated university town was called Bosforo. + +He took a modest lodging opposite the Schools, paid his bill at the +inn, and went to his apartment with his trunk, carpet-bag, and not +forgetting, we may be sure, his OTHER bag. + +When he opened his trunk, which the day before he had filled with +his best clothes, he found it contained only books. And in the +first of them which he opened there was written-- + + + "Clothes for the back, books for the head: + Read, and remember them when they are read." + + +And in his bag, when Giglio looked in it, he found a student's cap +and gown, a writing-book full of paper, an inkstand, pens, and a +Johnson's dictionary, which was very useful to him, as his spelling +had been sadly neglected. + +So he sat down and worked away, very, very hard for a whole year, +during which "Mr. Giles" was quite an example to all the students +in the University of Bosforo. He never got into any riots or +disturbances. The Professors all spoke well of him, and the +students liked him too; so that, when at examination, he took all +the prizes, viz.:-- + + + {The Spelling Prize {The French Prize + {The Writing Prize {The Arithmetic Prize + {The History Prize {The Latin Prize + {The Catechism Prize {The Good Conduct Prize, + + +all his fellow-students said, "Hurrah! Hurray for Giles! Giles is +the boy--the student's joy! Hurray for Giles!" And he brought +quite a quantity of medals, crowns, books, and tokens of +distinction home to his lodgings. + +One day after the Examinations, as he was diverting himself at a +coffee-house with two friends--(Did I tell you that in his bag, +every Saturday night, he found just enough to pay his bills, with a +guinea over, for pocket-money? Didn't I tell you? Well, he did, +as sure as twice twenty makes forty-five)--he chanced to look in +the Bosforo Chronicle, and read off, quite easily (for he could +spell, read, and write the longest words now), the following:-- + +"ROMANTIC CIRCUMSTANCE.--One of the most extraordinary adventures +that we have ever heard has set the neighboring country of Crim +Tartary in a state of great excitement. + +"It will be remembered that when the present revered sovereign of +Crim Tartary, his Majesty King PADELLA, took possession of the +throne, after having vanquished, in the terrific battle of +Blunderbusco, the late King CAVOLFIORE, that Prince's only child, +the Princess Rosalba, was not found in the royal palace, of which +King Padella took possession, and, it was said, had strayed into +the forest (being abandoned by all her attendants) where she had +been eaten up by those ferocious lions, the last pair of which were +captured some time since, and brought to the Tower, after killing +several hundred persons. + +"His Majesty King Padella, who has the kindest heart in the world, +was grieved at the accident which had occurred to the harmless +little Princess, for whom his Majesty's known benevolence would +certainly have provided a fitting establishment. But her death +seemed to be certain. The mangled remains of a cloak, and a little +shoe, were found in the forest, during a hunting-party, in which +the intrepid sovereign of Crim Tartary slew two of the lions' cubs +with his own spear. And these interesting relics of an innocent +little creature were carried home and kept by their finder, the +Baron Spinachi, formerly an officer in Cavolfiore's household. +The Baron was disgraced in consequence of his known legitimist +opinions, and has lived for some time in the humble capacity of a +wood-cutter, in a forest on the outskirts of the Kingdom of Crim +Tartary. + +"Last Tuesday week Baron Spinachi and a number of gentlemen, +attached to the former dynasty, appeared in arms, crying, "God save +Rosalba, the first Queen of Crim Tartary!" and surrounding a lady +whom report describes as "BEAUTIFUL EXCEEDINGLY." Her history MAY +be authentic, IS certainly most romantic. + +"The personage calling herself Rosalba states that she was brought +out of the forest, fifteen years since, by a lady in a car drawn by +dragons (this account is certainly IMPROBABLE), that she was left +in the Palace Garden of Blombodinga, where Her Royal Highness the +Princess Angelica, now married to His Royal Highness Bulbo, Crown +Prince of Crim Tartary, found the child, and, with THAT ELEGANT +BENEVOLENCE which has always distinguished the heiress of the +throne of Paflagonia, gave the little outcast a SHELTER AND A HOME! +Her parentage not being known, and her garb very humble, the +foundling was educated in the Palace in a menial capacity, under +the name of BETSINDA. + +"She did not give satisfaction, and was dismissed, carrying with +her, certainly, part of a mantle and a shoe, which she had on when +first found. According to her statement she quitted Blombodinga +about a year ago, since which time she has been with the Spinachi +family. On the very same morning the Prince Giglio, nephew to the +King of Paflagonia, a young Prince whose character for TALENT and +ORDER were, to say truth, NONE OF THE HIGHEST, also quitted +Blombodinga, and has not been since heard of!" + +"What an extraordinary story!" said Smith and Jones, two young +students, Giglio's especial friends. + +"Ha! what is this?" Giglio went on, reading:-- + +"SECOND EDITION, EXPRESS.--We hear that the troop under Baron +Spinachi has been surrounded, and utterly routed, by General Count +Hogginarmo, and the soi-disant Princess is sent a prisoner to the +capital. + +"UNIVERSITY NEWS.--Yesterday, at the Schools, the distinguished +young student, Mr. Giles, read a Latin oration, and was complimented +by the Chancellor of Bosforo, Dr. Prugnaro, with the highest +University honor--the wooden spoon." + +"Never mind that stuff," says GILES, greatly disturbed. "Come home +with me, my friends. Gallant Smith! intrepid Jones! friends of my +studies--partakers of my academic toils--I have that to tell which +shall astonish your honest minds." + +"Go it, old boy!" cries the impetuous Smith. + +"Talk away, my buck!" says Jones, a lively fellow. + +With an air of indescribable dignity, Giglio checked their natural, +but no more seemly, familiarity. "Jones, Smith, my good friends," +said the PRINCE, "disguise is henceforth useless; I am no more the +humble student Giles, I am the descendant of a royal line." + +"Atavis edite regibus. I know, old co--" cried Jones. He was +going to say old cock, but a flash from THE ROYAL EYE again awed +him. + +"Friends," continued the Prince, "I am that Giglio: I am, in fact, +Paflagonia. Rise, Smith, and kneel not in the public street. +Jones, thou true heart! My faithless uncle, when I was a baby, +filched from me that brave crown my father left me, bred me, all +young and careless of my rights, like unto hapless Hamlet, Prince +of Denmark; and had I any thoughts about my wrongs, soothed me with +promises of near redress. I should espouse his daughter, young +Angelica; we two indeed should reign in Paflagonia. His words were +false--false as Angelica's heart!--false as Angelica's hair, color, +front teeth! She looked with her skew eyes upon young Bulbo, Crim +Tartary's stupid heir, and she preferred him." Twas then I turned +my eyes upon Betsinda--Rosalba, as she now is. And I saw in her +the blushing sum of all perfection; the pink of maiden modesty; the +nymph that my fond heart had ever woo'd in dreams," &c. &c. + +(I don't give this speech, which was very fine, but very long; and +though Smith and Jones knew nothing about the circumstances, my +dear reader does, so I go on.) + +The Prince and his young friends hastened home to his apartment, +highly excited by the intelligence, as no doubt by the ROYAL +NARRATOR'S admirable manner of recounting it, and they ran up to +his room where he had worked so hard at his books. + +On his writing-table was his bag, grown so long that the Prince +could not help remarking it. He went to it, opened it, and what do +you think he found in it? + +A splendid long, gold-handled, red-velvet-scabbarded, cut-and- +thrust sword, and on the sheath was embroidered "ROSALBA FOR EVER!" + +He drew out the sword, which flashed and illuminated the whole +room, and called out "Rosalba for ever!" Smith and Jones following +him, but quite respectfully this time, and taking the time from His +Royal Highness. + +And now his trunk opened with a sudden pong, and out there came +three ostrich feathers in a gold crown, surrounding a beautiful +shining steel helmet, a cuirass, a pair of spurs, finally a +complete suit of armor. + +The books on Giglio's shelves were all gone. Where there had been +some great dictionaries, Giglio's friends found two pairs of jack- +boots labelled, "Lieutenant Smith," "---- Jones, Esq.," which +fitted them to a nicety. Besides, there were helmets, back and +breast plates, swords, &c., just like in Mr. G. P. R. James's +novels; and that evening three cavaliers might have been seen +issuing from the gates of Bosforo, in whom the porters, proctors, +&c., never thought of recognising the young Prince and his friends. + +They got horses at a livery stable-keeper's, and never drew bridle +until they reached the last town on the frontier before you come to +Crim Tartary. Here, as their animals were tired, and the cavaliers +hungry, they stopped and refreshed at an hostel. I could make a +chapter of this if I were like some writers, but I like to cram my +measure tight down, you see, and give you a great deal for your +money, and, in a word, they had some bread and cheese and ale +upstairs on the balcony of the inn. As they were drinking, drums +and trumpets sounded nearer and nearer, the marketplace was filled +with soldiers, and His Royal Highness looking forth, recognised the +Paflagonian banners, and the Paflagonian national air which the +bands were playing. + +The troops all made for the tavern at once, and as they came up +Giglio exclaimed, on beholding their leader, "Whom do I see? Yes!-- +no! It is, it is!--Phoo!--No, it can't be! Yes! it is my friend, +my gallant faithful veteran, Captain Hedzoff! Ho, Hedzoff! +Knowest thou not thy Prince, thy Giglio? Good Corporal, methinks +we once were friends. Ha, Sergeant, an my memory serves me right, +we have had many a bout at singlestick." + +"I' faith, we have, a many, good my Lord," says the Sergeant. + +"Tell me, what means this mighty armament," continued His Royal +Highness from the balcony, "and whither march my Paflagonians?" + +Hedzoff's head fell. "My Lord," he said, "we march as the allies +of great Padella, Crim Tartary's monarch." + +"Crim Tartary's usurper, gallant Hedzoff! Crim Tartary's grim +tyrant, honest Hedzoff!" said the Prince, on the balcony, quite +sarcastically. + +"A soldier, Prince, must needs obey his orders: mine are to help +his Majesty Padella. And also (though alack that I should say it!) +to seize wherever I should light upon him--" + +"First catch your hare! ha, Hedzoff!" exclaimed His Royal Highness. + +"--On the body of GIGLIO, whilome Prince of Paflagonia' Hedzoff +went on, with indescribable emotion. "My Prince, give up your +sword without ado. Look! we are thirty thousand men to one!" + +"Give up my sword! Giglio give up his sword!" cried the Prince; +and stepping well forward on to the balcony, the royal youth, +WITHOUT PREPARATION, delivered a speech so magnificent, that no +report can do justice to it. It was all in blank verse (in which, +from this time, he invariably spoke, as more becoming his majestic +station). It lasted for three days and three nights, during which +not a single person who heard him was tired, or remarked the +difference between daylight and dark. The soldiers only cheering +tremendously, when occasionally, once in nine hours, the Prince +paused to suck an orange, which Jones took out of the bag. He +explained, in terms which we say we shall not attempt to convey, +the whole history of the previous transaction, and his determination +not only not to give up his sword, but to assume his rightful crown; +and at the end of this extraordinary, this truly GIGANTIC effort, +Captain Hedzoff flung up his helmet, and cried, "Hurray! Hurray! +Long live King Giglio!" + +Such were the consequences of having employed his time well at +College! + +When the excitement had ceased, beer was ordered out for the army, +and their Sovereign himself did not disdain a little! And now it +was with some alarm that Captain Hedzoff told him his division was +only the advanced guard of the Paflagonian contingent, hastening to +King Padella's aid; the main force being a day's march in the rear +under His Royal Highness Prince Bulbo. + +"We will wait here, good friend, to beat the Prince," his Majesty +said, "and THEN will make his royal father wince." + + +XV. WE RETURN TO ROSALBA. + + +King Padella made very similar proposals to Rosalba to those which +she had received from the various princes who, as we have seen, had +fallen in love with her. His Majesty was a widower, and offered to +marry his fair captive that instant, but she declined his +invitation in her usual polite gentle manner, stating that Prince +Giglio was her love, and that any other union was out of the +question. Having tried tears and supplications in vain, this +violent-tempered monarch menaced her with threats and tortures; but +she declared she would rather suffer all these than accept the hand +of her father's murderer, who left her finally, uttering the most +awful imprecations, and bidding her prepare for death on the +following morning. + +All night long the King spent in advising how he should get rid of +this obdurate young creature. Cutting off her head was much too +easy a death for her; hanging was so common in his Majesty's +dominions that it no longer afforded him any sport; finally, he +bethought himself of a pair of fierce lions which had lately been +sent to him as presents, and he determined, with these ferocious +brutes, to hunt poor Rosalba down. Adjoining his castle was an +amphitheatre where the Prince indulged in bull-baiting, rat- +hunting, and other ferocious sports. The two lions were kept in a +cage under this place; their roaring might be heard over the whole +city, the inhabitants of which, I am sorry to say, thronged in +numbers to see a poor young lady gobbled up by two wild beasts. + +The King took his place in the royal box, having the officers of +his Court around and the Count Hogginarmo by his side, upon whom +his Majesty was observed to look very fiercely: the fact is, royal +spies had told the monarch of Hogginarmo's behavior, his proposals +to Rosalba, and his offer to fight for the crown. Black as thunder +looked King Padella at this proud noble, as they sat in the front +seats of the theatre waiting to see the tragedy whereof poor +Rosalba was to be the heroine. + +At length that Princess was brought out in her nightgown, with all +her beautiful hair falling down her back, and looking so pretty +that even the beef-eaters and keepers of the wild animals wept +plentifully at seeing her. And she walked with her poor little +feet (only luckily the arena was covered with sawdust), and went +and leaned up against a great stone in the centre of the +amphitheatre, round which the Court and the people were seated in +boxes, with bars before them, for fear of the great, fierce, red- +maned, black-throated, long-tailed, roaring, bellowing, rushing +lions. + +And now the gates were opened, and with a "Wurrawarrurawarar!" two +great lean, hungry, roaring lions rushed out of their den, where +they had been kept for three weeks on nothing but a little toast- +and-water, and dashed straight up to the stone where poor Rosalba +was waiting. Commend her to your patron saints, all you kind +people, for she is in a dreadful state! + +There was a hum and a buzz all through the circus, and the fierce +King Padella even felt a little compassion. But Count Hogginarmo, +seated by his Majesty, roared out "Hurray! Now for it! Soo-soo- +soo!" that nobleman being uncommonly angry still at Rosalba's +refusal of him. + +But, O strange event! O remarkable circumstance! O extraordinary +coincidence, which I am sure none of you could BY ANY POSSIBILITY +have divined! When the lions came to Rosalba, instead of devouring +her with their great teeth, it was with kisses they gobbled her up! +They licked her pretty feet, they nuzzled their noses in her lap, +they moo'd, they seemed to say, "Dear, dear sister don't you +recollect your brothers in the forest?" And she put her pretty +white arms round their tawny necks, and kissed them. + +King Padella was immensely astonished. The Count Hogginarmo was +extremely disgusted. "Pooh!" the Count cried. "Gammon!" exclaimed +his Lordship. "These lions are tame beasts come from Wombwell's or +Astley's. It is a shame to put people off in this way. I believe +they are little boys dressed up in door-mats. They are no lions at +all." + +"Ha!" said the King, "you dare to say 'Gammon!' to your Sovereign, +do you? These lions are no lions at all, aren't they? Ho! my +beef-eaters! Ho! my bodyguard! Take this Count Hogginarmo and +fling him into the circus! Give him a sword and buckler, let him +keep his armor on, and his weather-eye out, and fight these lions." + +The haughty Hogginarmo laid down his opera-glass, and looked +scowling round at the King and his attendants. "Touch me not, +dogs!" he said, "or by St. Nicholas the Elder, I will gore you! +Your Majesty thinks Hogginarmo is afraid? No, not of a hundred +thousand lions! Follow me down into the circus, King Padella, and +match thyself against one of yon brutes. Thou darest not. Let +them both come on, then!" And opening a grating of the box, he +jumped lightly down into the circus. + + + WURRA WURRA WURRA WUR-AW-AW-AW!!! + In about two minutes + The Count Hogginarmo was + GOBBLED UP + by + those lions, + bones, boots, and all, + and + There was an + End of him. + + +At this, the King said, "Serve him right, the rebellious ruffian! +And now, as those lions won't eat that young woman--" + +"Let her off!--let her off!" cried the crowd. + +"NO!" roared the King. "Let the beef-eaters go down and chop her +into small pieces. If the lions defend her, let the archers shoot +them to death. That hussy shall die in tortures!" + +"A-a-ah!" cried the crowd. "Shame! shame!" + +"Who dares cry out 'Shame?'" cried the furious potentate (so little +can tyrants command their passions). "Fling any scoundrel who says +a word down among the lions!" I warrant you there was a dead +silence then, which was broken by a "Pang arang pang pangkarangpang!" +and a Knight and a Herald rode in at the further end of the circus; +the Knight, in full armor, with his vizor up, and bearing a letter +on the point of his lance. + +"Ha!" exclaimed the King, "by my fay, 'tis Elephant and Castle, +pursuivant of my brother of Paflagonia; and the Knight, an my +memory serves me, is the gallant Captain Hedzoff! What news from +Paflagonia, gallant Hedzoff? Elephant and Castle, beshrew me, thy +trumpeting must have made thee thirsty. What will my trusty herald +like to drink?" + +"Bespeaking first safe conduct from your Lordship," said Captain +Hedzoff, "before we take a drink of anything, permit us to deliver +our King's message." + +"My Lordship, ha!" said Crim Tartary, frowning terrifically. "That +title soundeth strange in the anointed ears of a crowned King. +Straightway speak out your message, Knight and Herald!" + +Reining up his charger in a most elegant manner close under the +King's balcony, Hedzoff turned to the Herald, and bade him begin. + +Elephant and Castle, dropping his trumpet over his shoulder, took a +large sheet of paper out of his hat, and began to read:-- + +"O Yes! O Yes! O Yes! Know all men by these presents, that we, +Giglio, King of Paflagonia, Grand Duke of Cappadocia, Sovereign +Prince of Turkey and the Sausage Islands, having assumed our +rightful throne and title, long time falsely borne by our usurping +Uncle, styling himself King of Paflagonia--" + +"Ha!" growled Padella. + +"Hereby summon the false traitor, Padella, calling himself King of +Crim Tartary--" + +The King's curses were dreadful. "Go on, Elephant and Castle!" +said the intrepid Hedzoff. + +"--To release from cowardly imprisonment his liege lady and +rightful Sovereign, ROSALBA, Queen of Crim Tartary, and restore her +to her royal throne: in default of which, I, Giglio, proclaim the +said Padella sneak, traitor, humbug, usurper, and coward. I +challenge him to meet me, with fists or with pistols, with battle- +axe or sword, with blunderbuss or single-stick, alone or at the +head of his army, on foot or on horseback; and will prove my words +upon his wicked ugly body!" + +"God save the King!" said Captain Hedzoff, executing a demivolte, +two semilunes, and three caracols. + +"Is that all?" said Padella, with the terrific calm of concentrated +fury. + +"That, sir, is all my royal master's message. Here is his +Majesty's letter in autograph, and here is his glove, and if any +gentleman of Crim Tartary chooses to find fault with his Majesty's +expressions, I, Kustasoff Hedzoff, Captain of the Guard, am very +much at his service," and he waved his lance, and looked at the +assembly all round. + +"And what says my good brother of Paflagonia, my dear son's father- +in-law, to this rubbish?" asked the King. + +"The King's uncle hath been deprived of the crown he unjustly +wore," said Hedzoff gravely. "He and his ex-minister, Glumboso, +are now in prison waiting the sentence of my royal master. After +the battle of Bombardaro--" + +"Of what?" asked the surprised Padella. + +"--Of Bombardaro, where my liege, his present Majesty, would have +performed prodigies of valor, but that the whole of his uncle's +army came over to our side, with the exception of Prince Bulbo--" + +"Ah! my boy, my boy, my Bulbo was no traitor!" cried Padella. + +"Prince Bulbo, far from coming over to us, ran away, sir; but I +caught him. The Prince is a prisoner in our army, and the most +terrific tortures await him if a hair of the Princess Rosalba's +head is injured." + +"Do they?" exclaimed the furious Padella, who was now perfectly +LIVID with rage. "Do they indeed? So much the worse for Bulbo. +I've twenty sons as lovely each as Bulbo. Not one but is as fit to +reign as Bulbo. Whip, whack, flog, starve, rack, punish, torture +Bulbo--break all his bones--roast him or flay him alive--pull all +his pretty teeth out one by one! But justly dear as Bulbo is to +me,--joy of my eyes, fond treasure of my soul!--Ha, ha, ha, ha! +revenge is dearer still. Ho! tortures, rack-men, executioners-- +light up the fires and make the pincers hot! get lots of boiling +lead!--Bring out ROSALBA!" + + +XVI. HOW HEDZOFF RODE BACK AGAIN TO KING GIGLIO. + + +Captain Hedzoff rode away when King Padella uttered this cruel +command, having done his duty in delivering the message with which +his royal master had entrusted him. Of course he was very sorry +for Rosalba, but what could he do? + +So he returned to King Giglio's camp, and found the young monarch +in a disturbed state of mind, smoking cigars in the royal tent. +His Majesty's agitation was not appeased by the news that was +brought by his ambassador. "The brutal, ruthless ruffian royal +wretch!" Giglio exclaimed. "As England's poesy has well remarked, +'The man that lays his hand upon a woman, save in the way of +kindness, is a villain.' Ha, Hedzoff!" + +"That he is, your Majesty," said the attendant. + +"And didst thou see her flung into the oil? and didn't the soothing +oil--the emollient oil, refuse to boil, good Hedzoff--and to spoil +the fairest lady ever eyes did look on?" + +"'Faith, good my liege, I had no heart to look and see a beauteous +lady boiling down; I took your royal message to Padella, and bore +his back to you. I told him you would hold Prince Bulbo +answerable. He only said that he had twenty sons as good as Bulbo, +and forthwith he bade the ruthless executioners proceed." + +"O cruel father--O unhappy son!" cried the King. "Go, some of you, +and bring Prince Bulbo hither." + +Bulbo was brought in chains, looking very uncomfortable. Though a +prisoner, he had been tolerably happy, perhaps because his mind was +at rest, and all the fighting was over, and he was playing at +marbles with his guards when the King sent for him. + +"Oh, my poor Bulbo," said his Majesty, with looks of infinite +compassion, "hast thou heard the news?" (for you see Giglio wanted +to break the thing gently to the Prince), "thy brutal father has +condemned Rosalba--p-p-p-ut her to death, P-p-p-prince Bulbo!" + +"What, killed Betsinda! Boo-hoo-hoo," cried out Bulbo. "Betsinda! +pretty Betsinda! dear Betsinda! She was the dearest little girl in +the world. I love her better twenty thousand times even than +Angelica." And he went on expressing his grief in so hearty and +unaffected a manner that the King was quite touched by it, and +said, shaking Bulbo's hand, that he wished he had known Bulbo +sooner. + +Bulbo, quite unconsciously, and meaning for the best, offered to +come and sit with his Majesty, and smoke a cigar with him, and +console him. The ROYAL KINDNESS supplied Bulbo with a cigar; he +had not had one, he said, since he was taken prisoner. + +And now think what must have been the feelings of the most MERCIFUL +OF MONARCHS, when he informed his prisoner that, in consequence of +King Padella's CRUEL AND DASTARDLY BEHAVIOR to Rosalba, Prince +Bulbo must instantly be executed! The noble Giglio could not +restrain his tears, nor could the Grenadiers, nor the officers, nor +could Bulbo himself, when the matter was explained to him, and he +was brought to understand that his Majesty's promise, of course, +was ABOVE EVERYTHING, and Bulbo must submit. So poor Bulbo was led +out, Hedzoff trying to console him, by pointing out that if he had +won the battle of Bombardaro, he might have hanged Prince Giglio. +"Yes! But that is no comfort to me now!" said poor Bulbo; nor +indeed was it, poor fellow! + +He was told the business would be done the next morning at eight, +and was taken back to his dungeon, where every attention was paid +to him. The gaoler's wife sent him tea, and the turnkey's daughter +begged him to write his name in her album, where a many gentlemen +had written it on like occasions! "Bother your album!" says Bulbo. +The Undertaker came and measured him for the handsomest coffin +which money could buy: even this didn't console Bulbo. The Cook +brought him dishes which he once used to like; but he wouldn't +touch them: he sat down and began writing an adieu to Angelica, as +the clock kept always ticking, and the hands drawing nearer to next +morning. The Barber came in at night, and offered to shave him for +the next day. Prince Bulbo kicked him away, and went on writing a +few words to Princess Angelica, as the clock kept always ticking, +and the hands hopping nearer and nearer to next morning. He got up +on the top of a hatbox, on the top of a chair, on the top of his +bed, on the top of his table, and looked out to see whether he +might escape as the clock kept always ticking and the hands drawing +nearer, and nearer, and nearer. + +But looking out of the window was one thing, and jumping another: +and the town clock struck seven. So he got into bed for a little +sleep, but the gaoler came and woke him, and said, "Git up, your +Royal Ighness, if you please, it's TEN MINUTES TO EIGHT!" + +So poor Bulbo got up: he had gone to bed in his clothes (the lazy +boy), and he shook himself, and said he didn't mind about dressing, +or having any breakfast, thank you; and he saw the soldiers who had +come for him. "Lead on!" he said; and they led the way, deeply +affected; and they came into the courtyard, and out into the +square, and there was King Giglio come to take leave of him, and +his Majesty most kindly shook hands with him, and the GLOOMY +PROCESSION marched on:--when hark! + +"Haw--wurraw--wurraw--aworr!" + +A roar of wild beasts was heard. And who should come riding into +the town, frightening away the boys, and even the beadle and +policeman, but ROSALBA! + +The fact is, that when Captain Hedzoff entered into the court of +Snapdragon Castle, and was discoursing with King Padella, the Lions +made a dash at the open gate, gobbled up the six beef-eaters in a +jiffy, and away they went with Rosalba on the back of one of them, +and they carried her, turn and turn about, till they came to the +city where Prince Giglio's army was encamped. + +When the KING heard of the QUEEN'S arrival, you may think how he +rushed out of his breakfast-room to hand her Majesty off her Lion! +The Lions were grown as fat as pigs now, having had Hogginarmo and +all those beef-eaters, and were so tame, anybody might pat them. + +While Giglio knelt (most gracefully) and helped the Princess, +Bulbo, for his part, rushed up and kissed the Lion. He flung his +arms round the forest monarch; he hugged him, and laughed and cried +for joy. "Oh, you darling old beast--oh, how glad I am to see you, +and the dear, dear Bets--that is, Rosalba." + +"What, is it you, poor Bulbo?" said the Queen. "Oh, how glad I am +to see you," and she gave him her hand to kiss. King Giglio +slapped him most kindly on the back, and said, "Bulbo, my boy, I am +delighted, for your sake, that her Majesty has arrived." + +"So am I," said Bulbo; "and YOU KNOW WHY." Captain Hedzoff here +came up. "Sire, it is half-past eight: shall we proceed with the +execution? " + +"Execution! what for?" asked Bulbo. + +"An officer only knows his orders," replied Captain Hedzoff, +showing his warrant: on which his Majesty King Giglio smilingly +said Prince Bulbo was reprieved this time, and most graciously +invited him to breakfast. + + +XVII. HOW A TREMENDOUS BATTLE TOOK PLACE, AND WHO WON IT. + + +As soon as King Padella heard--what we know already--that his +victim, the lovely Rosalba, had escaped him, his Majesty's fury +knew no bounds, and he pitched the Lord Chancellor, Lord +Chamberlain, and every officer of the Crown whom he could set eyes +on, into the cauldron of boiling oil prepared for the Princess. +Then he ordered out his whole army, horse, foot, and artillery; and +set forth at the head of an innumerable host, and I should think +twenty thousand drummers, trumpeters, and fifers. + +King Giglio's advance guard, you may be sure, kept that monarch +acquainted with the enemy's dealings, and he was in nowise +disconcerted. He was much too polite to alarm the Princess, his +lovely guest, with any unnecessary rumors of battles impending; on +the contrary, he did everything to amuse and divert her; gave her a +most elegant breakfast, dinner, lunch, and got up a ball for her +that evening, when he danced with her every single dance. + +Poor Bulbo was taken into favor again, and allowed to go quite free +now. He had new clothes given him, was called "My good cousin" by +his Majesty, and was treated with the greatest distinction by +everybody. But it was easy to see he was very melancholy. The +fact is, the sight of Betsinda, who looked perfectly lovely in an +elegant new dress, set poor Bulbo frantic in love with her again. +And he never thought about Angelica, now Princess Bulbo, whom he +had left at home, and who, as we know, did not care much about him. + +The King, dancing the twenty-fifth polka with Rosalba, remarked +with wonder the ring she wore; and then Rosalba told him how she +had got it from Gruffanuff, who no doubt had picked it up when +Angelica flung it away. + +"Yes," says the Fairy Blackstick, who had come to see the young +people, and who had very likely certain plans regarding them--"that +ring I gave the Queen, Giglio's mother, who was not, saving your +presence, a very wise woman: it is enchanted, and whoever wears it +looks beautiful in the eyes of the world. I made poor Prince +Bulbo, when he was christened, the present of a rose which made him +look handsome while he had it; but he gave it to Angelica, who +instantly looked beautiful again, whilst Bulbo relapsed into his +natural plainness." + +"Rosalba needs no ring, I am sure," says Giglio, with a low bow. +"She is beautiful enough, in my eyes, without any enchanted aid." + +"Oh, sir!" said Rosalba. + +"Take off the ring and try," said the King, and resolutely drew the +ring off her finger. In HIS eyes she looked just as handsome as +before! + +The King was thinking of throwing the ring away, as it was so +dangerous and made all the people so mad about Rosalba; but being a +Prince of great humor, and good humor too, he cast eyes upon a poor +youth who happened to be looking on very disconsolately, and said-- + +"Bulbo, my poor lad! come and try on this ring. The Princess +Rosalba makes it a present to you." The magic properties of this +ring were uncommonly strong, for no sooner had Bulbo put it on, but +lo and behold, he appeared a personable, agreeable young Prince +enough--with a fine complexion, fair hair, rather stout, and with +bandy legs; but these were encased in such a beautiful pair of +yellow morocco boots that nobody remarked them. And Bulbo's +spirits rose up almost immediately after he had looked in the +glass, and he talked to their Majesties in the most lively, +agreeable manner, and danced opposite the Queen with one of the +prettiest maids of honor, and after looking at her Majesty, could +not help saying, "How very odd! she is very pretty, but not so +EXTRAORDINARILY handsome." "Oh no, by no means!" says the Maid of +Honor. + +"But what care I, dear sir," says the Queen, who overheard them, +"if YOU think I am good-looking enough?" + +His Majesty's glance in reply to this affectionate speech was such +that no painter could draw it. And the Fairy Blackstick said, +"Bless you, my darling children! Now you are united and happy; and +now you see what I said from the first, that a little misfortune +has done you both good. YOU, Giglio, had you been bred in +prosperity, would scarcely have learned to read or write--you would +have been idle and extravagant, and could not have been a good King +as now you will be. You, Rosalba, would have been so flattered, +that your little head might have been turned like Angelica's, who +thought herself too good for Giglio." + +"As if anybody could be good enough for HIM," cried Rosalba. + +"Oh, you, you darling!" says Giglio. And so she was; and he was +just holding out his arms in order to give her a hug before the +whole company, when a messenger came rushing in, and said, "My +Lord, the enemy!" + +"To arms!" cries Giglio. + +"Oh, mercy!" says Rosalba, and fainted of course. He snatched one +kiss from her lips, and rushed FORTH TO THE FIELD of battle! + + +The Fairy had provided King Giglio with a suit of armor, which was +not only embroidered all over with jewels, and blinding to your +eyes to look at, but was water-proof, gun-proof, and sword-proof; +so that in the midst of the very hottest battles his Majesty rode +about as calmly as if he had been a British Grenadier at Alma. +Were I engaged in fighting for my country, I should like such a +suit of armor as Prince Giglio wore; but, you know, he was a Prince +of a fairy tale, and they always have these wonderful things. + +Besides the fairy armor, the Prince had a fairy horse, which would +gallop at any pace you pleased; and a fairy sword, which would +lengthen and run through a whole regiment of enemies at once. With +such a weapon at command, I wonder, for my part, he thought of +ordering his army out; but forth they all came, in magnificent new +uniforms, Hedzoff and the Prince's two college friends each +commanding a division, and his Majesty prancing in person at the +head of them all. + +Ah! if I had the pen of a Sir Archibald Alison, my dear friends, +would I not now entertain you with the account of a most tremendous +shindy? Should not fine blows be struck? dreadful wounds be +delivered? arrows darken the air? cannon balls crash through the +battalions? cavalry charge infantry? infantry pitch into cavalry? +bugles blow; drums beat; horses neigh; fifes sing; soldiers roar, +swear, hurray; officers shout out, "Forward, my men!" "This way, +lads!" "Give it 'em, boys!" "Fight for King Giglio, and the cause +of right!" "King Padella for ever!" Would I not describe all this, +I say, and in the very finest language too? But this humble pen +does not possess the skill necessary for the description of +combats. In a word, the overthrow of King Padella's army was so +complete, that if they had been Russians you could not have wished +them to be more utterly smashed and confounded. + +As for that usurping monarch, having performed acts of valor much +more considerable than could be expected of a royal ruffian and +usurper, who had such a bad cause, and who was so cruel to women,-- +as for King Padella, I say, when his army ran away, the King ran +away too, kicking his first general, Prince Punchikoff, from his +saddle, and galloping away on the Prince's horse, having, indeed, +had twenty-five or twenty-six of his own shot under him. Hedzoff +coming up, and finding Punchikoff down, as you may imagine, very +speedily disposed of HIM. Meanwhile King Padella was scampering +off as hard as his horse could lay legs to ground. Fast as he +scampered, I promise you somebody else galloped faster; and that +individual, as no doubt you are aware, was the Royal Giglio, who +kept bawling out, "Stay, traitor! Turn, miscreant, and defend +thyself! Stand, tyrant, coward, ruffian, royal wretch, till I cut +thy ugly head from thy usurping shoulders!" And, with his fairy +sword, which elongated itself at will, his Majesty kept poking and +prodding Padella in the back, until that wicked monarch roared with +anguish. + +When he was fairly brought to bay, Padella turned and dealt Prince +Giglio a prodigious crack over the sconce with his battle-axe, a +most enormous weapon, which had cut down I don't know how many +regiments in the course of the afternoon. But, law bless you! +though the blow fell right down on his Majesty's helmet, it made no +more impression than if Padella had struck him with a pat of +butter: his battle-axe crumpled up in Padella's hand, and the Royal +Giglio laughed for very scorn at the impotent efforts of that +atrocious usurper. + +At the ill success of his blow the Crim Tartar monarch was justly +irritated. "If," says he to Giglio, "you ride a fairy horse, and +wear fairy armor, what on earth is the use of my hitting you? I +may as well give myself up a prisoner at once. Your Majesty won't, +I suppose, be so mean as to strike a poor fellow who can't strike +again?" + +The justice of Padella's remark struck the magnanimous Giglio. "Do +you yield yourself a prisoner, Padella?" says he. + +"Of course I do," says Padella. + +"Do you acknowledge Rosalba as your rightful Queen, and give up the +crown and all your treasures to your rightful mistress?" + +"If I must, I must," says Padella, who was naturally very sulky. + +By this time King Giglio's aides-de-camp had come up, whom his +Majesty ordered to bind the prisoner. And they tied his hands +behind him, and bound his legs tight under his horse, having set +him with his face to the tail; and in this fashion he was led back +to King Giglio's quarters, and thrust into the very dungeon where +young Bulbo had been confined. + +Padella (who was a very different person in the depth of his +distress, to Padella, the proud wearer of the Crim Tartar crown), +now most affectionately and earnestly asked to see his son--his +dear eldest boy--his darling Bulbo; and that good-natured young man +never once reproached his haughty parent for his unkind conduct the +day before, when he would have left Bulbo to be shot without any +pity, but came to see his father, and spoke to him through the +grating of the door, beyond which he was not allowed to go; and +brought him some sandwiches from the grand supper which his Majesty +was giving above stairs, in honor of the brilliant victory which +had just been achieved. + +"I cannot stay with you long, sir," says Bulbo, who was in his best +ball dress, as he handed his father in the prog. "I am engaged to +dance the next quadrille with her Majesty Queen Rosalba, and I hear +the fiddles playing at this very moment." + +So Bulbo went back to the ball-room and the wretched Padella ate +his solitary supper in silence and tears. + + +All was now joy in King Giglio's circle. Dancing, feasting, fun, +illuminations, and jollifications of all sorts ensued. The people +through whose villages they passed were ordered to illuminate their +cottages at night, and scatter flowers on the roads during the day. +They were requested--and I promise you they did not like to refuse-- +to serve the troops liberally with eatables and wine; besides, the +army was enriched by the immense quantity of plunder which was +found in King Padella's camp, and taken from his soldiers; who +(after they had given up everything) were allowed to fraternize +with the conquerors; and the united forces marched back by easy +stages towards King Giglio's capital, his royal banner and that of +Queen Rosalba being carried in front of the troops. Hedzoff was +made a Duke and a Field Marshal. Smith and Jones were promoted to +be Earls; the Crim Tartar Order of the Pumpkin and the Paflagonian +decoration of the Cucumber were freely distributed by their +Majesties to the army. Queen Rosalba wore the Paflagonian Ribbon +of the Cucumber across her riding-habit, whilst King Giglio never +appeared without the grand Cordon of the Pumpkin. How the people +cheered them as they rode along side by side! They were pronounced +to be the handsomest couple ever seen: that was a matter of course; +but they really WERE very handsome, and, had they been otherwise, +would have looked so, they were so happy! Their Majesties were +never separated during the whole day, but breakfasted, dined, and +supped together always, and rode side by side, interchanging +elegant compliments, and indulging in the most delightful +conversation. At night, her Majesty's ladies of honor (who had all +rallied round her the day after King Padella's defeat) came and +conducted her to the apartments prepared for her; whilst King +Giglio, surrounded by his gentlemen, withdrew to his own Royal +quarters. It was agreed they should be married as soon as they +reached the capital, and orders were dispatched to the Archbishop +of Blombodinga, to hold himself in readiness to perform the +interesting ceremony. Duke Hedzoff carried the message, and gave +instructions to have the Royal Castle splendidly refurnished and +painted afresh. The Duke seized Glumboso, the Ex-Prime Minister, +and made him refund that considerable sum of money which the old +scoundrel had secreted out of the late King's treasure. He also +clapped Valoroso into prison (who, by the way, had been dethroned +for some considerable period past), and when the ex-monarch weakly +remonstrated, Hedzoff said, "A soldier, sir, knows but his duty; my +orders are to lock you up along with the ex-King Padella, whom I +have brought hither a prisoner under guard." So these two ex-Royal +personages were sent for a year to the House of Correction, and +thereafter were obliged to become monks of the severest Order of +Flagellants, in which state, by fasting, by vigils, by flogging +(which they administered to one another, humbly but resolutely), no +doubt they exhibited a repentance for their past misdeeds, +usurpations, and private and public crimes. + +As for Glumboso, that rogue was sent to the galleys, and never had +an opportunity to steal any more. + + +XVIII. HOW THEY ALL JOURNEYED BACK TO THE CAPITAL. + + +The Fairy Blackstick, by whose means this young King and Queen had +certainly won their respective crowns back, would come not +unfrequently, to pay them a little visit--as they were riding in +their triumphal progress towards Giglio's capital--change her wand +into a pony, and travel by their Majesties' side, giving them the +very best advice. I am not sure that King Giglio did not think the +Fairy and her advice rather a bore, fancying it was his own valor +and merits which had put him on his throne, and conquered Padella: +and, in fine, I fear he rather gave himself airs towards his best +friend and patroness. She exhorted him to deal justly by his +subjects, to draw mildly on the taxes, never to break his promise +when he had once given it--and in all respects to be a good King. + +"A good King, my dear Fairy!" cries Rosalba. "Of course he will. +Break his promise! can you fancy my Giglio would ever do anything +so improper, so unlike him? No! never!" And she looked fondly +towards Giglio, whom she thought a pattern of perfection. + +"Why is Fairy Blackstick always advising me, and telling me how to +manage my government, and warning me to keep my word? Does she +suppose that I am not a man of sense, and a man of honor?" asks +Giglio testily. "Methinks she rather presumes upon her position." + +"Hush! dear Giglio," says Rosalba. "You know Blackstick has been +very kind to us, and we must not offend her." But the Fairy was +not listening to Giglio's testy observations, she had fallen back, +and was trotting on her pony now, by Master Bulbo's side, who rode +a donkey, and made himself generally beloved in the army by his +cheerfulness, kindness, and good-humor to everybody. He was eager +to see his darling Angelica. He thought there never was such a +charming being. Blackstick did not tell him it was the possession +of the magic rose that made Angelica so lovely in his eyes. She +brought him the very best accounts of his little wife, whose +misfortunes and humiliations had indeed very greatly improved her; +and, you see, she could whisk off on her wand a hundred miles in a +minute, and be back in no time, and so carry polite messages from +Bulbo to Angelica, and from Angelica to Bulbo, and comfort that +young man upon his journey. + +When the Royal party arrived at the last stage before you reach +Blombodinga, who should be in waiting, in her carriage there with +her lady of honor by her side, but the Princess Angelica? She +rushed into her husband's arms, scarcely stopping to make a passing +curtsey to the King and Queen. She had no eyes but for Bulbo, who +appeared perfectly lovely to her on account of the fairy ring which +he wore; whilst she herself, wearing the magic rose in her bonnet, +seemed entirely beautiful to the enraptured Bulbo. + +A splendid luncheon was served to the Royal party, of which the +Archbishop, the Chancellor, Duke Hedzoff, Countess Gruffanuff, and +all our friends partook, the Fairy Blackstick being seated on the +left of King Giglio, with Bulbo and Angelica beside her. You could +hear the joy-bells ringing in the capital, and the guns which the +citizens were firing off in honor of their Majesties. + +"What can have induced that hideous old Gruffanuff to dress herself +up in such an absurd way? Did you ask her to be your bridesmaid, +my dear?" says Giglio to Rosalba. "What a figure of fun Gruffy +is!" + +Gruffy was seated opposite their Majesties, between the Archbishop +and the Lord Chancellor, and a figure of fun she certainly was, for +she was dressed in a low white silk dress, with lace over, a wreath +of white roses on her wig, a splendid lace veil, and her yellow old +neck was covered with diamonds. She ogled the King in such a +manner that his Majesty burst out laughing. + +"Eleven o'clock!" cries Giglio, as the great Cathedral bell of +Blombodinga tolled that hour. "Gentlemen and ladies, we must be +starting. Archbishop, you must be at church, I think, before +twelve?" + +"We must be at church before twelve," sighs out Gruffanuff in a +languishing voice, hiding her old face behind her fan. + +"And then I shall be the happiest man in my dominions," cries +Giglio, with an elegant bow to the blushing Rosalba. + +"Oh, my Giglio! Oh, my dear Majesty!" exclaims Gruffanuff; "and +can it be that this happy moment at length has arrived--" + +"Of course it has arrived," says the King. + +"--and that I am about to become the enraptured bride of my adored +Giglio!" continues Gruffanuff. "Lend me a smelling-bottle, +somebody. I certainly shall faint with joy." + +"YOU my bride?" roars out Giglio. + +"YOU marry my Prince?" cried poor little Rosalba. + +"Pooh! Nonsense! The woman's mad!" exclaims the King. And all +the courtiers exhibited by their countenances and expressions, +marks of surprise, or ridicule, or incredulity, or wonder. + +"I should like to know who else is going to be married, if I am +not?" shrieks out Gruffanuff. "I should like to know if King +Giglio is a gentleman, and if there is such a thing as justice in +Paflagonia? Lord Chancellor! my Lord Archbishop! will your +Lordships sit by and see a poor, fond, confiding, tender creature +put upon? Has not Prince Giglio promised to marry his Barbara? Is +not this Giglio's signature? Does not this paper declare that he +is mine, and only mine?" And she handed to his Grace the +Archbishop the document which the Prince signed that evening when +she wore the magic ring, and Giglio drank so much champagne. And +the old Archbishop, taking out his eyeglasses, read--"This is to +give notice, that I, Giglio, only son of Savio, King of Paflagonia, +hereby promise to marry the charming Barbara Griselda Countess +Gruffanuff, and widow of the late Jenkins Gruffanuff, Esq." + +"H'm," says the Archbishop, "the document is certainly a--a +document." + +"Phoo!" says the Lord Chancellor, "the signature is not in his +Majesty's handwriting." Indeed, since his studies at Bosforo, +Giglio had made an immense improvement in caligraphy. + +"Is it your handwriting, Giglio?" cries the Fairy Blackstick, with +an awful severity of countenance. + +"Y--y--y--es," poor Giglio gasps out, "I had quite forgotten the +confounded paper: she can't mean to hold me by it. You old wretch, +what will you take to let me off? Help the Queen, some one--her +Majesty has fainted." + +"Chop her head off!" } exclaim the impetuous Hedzoff, +"Smother the old witch!" } the ardent Smith, and the +"Pitch her into the river!"} faithful Jones. + +But Gruffanuff flung her arms round the Archbishop's neck, and +bellowed out, "Justice, justice, my Lord Chancellor!" so loudly, +that her piercing shrieks caused everybody to pause. As for +Rosalba, she was borne away lifeless by her ladies; and you may +imagine the look of agony which Giglio cast towards that lovely +being, as his hope, his joy, his darling, his all in all, was thus +removed, and in her place the horrid old Gruffanuff rushed up to +his side, and once more shrieked out, "Justice, justice!" + +"Won't you take that sum of money which Glumboso hid?" says Giglio; +"two hundred and eighteen thousand millions, or thereabouts. It's +a handsome sum." + +"I will have that and you too!" says Gruffanuff. + +"Let us throw the crown jewels into the bargain," gasps out Giglio. + +"I will wear them by my Giglio's side!" says Gruffanuff. + +"Will half, three-quarters, five-sixths, nineteen-twentieths, of my +kingdom do, Countess?" asks the trembling monarch. + +"What were all Europe to me without YOU, my Giglio?" cries Gruff, +kissing his hand. + +"I won't, I can't, I shan't,--I'll resign the crown first," shouts +Giglio, tearing away his hand; but Gruff clung to it. + +"I have a competency, my love," she says, "and with thee and a +cottage thy Barbara will be happy." + +Giglio was half mad with rage by this time. "I will not marry +her," says he. "Oh, Fairy, Fairy, give me counsel?" And as he +spoke he looked wildly round at the severe face of the Fairy +Blackstick. + +"'Why is Fairy Blackstick always advising me, and warning me to +keep my word? Does she suppose that I am not a man of honor?'" +said the Fairy, quoting Giglio's own haughty words. He quailed +under the brightness of her eyes; he felt that there was no escape +for him from that awful inquisition. + +"Well, Archbishop," said he in a dreadful voice, that made his +Grace start, "since this Fairy has led me to the height of +happiness but to dash me down into the depths of despair, since I +am to lose Rosalba, let me at least keep my honor. Get up, +Countess, and let us be married; I can keep my word, but I can die +afterwards." + +"Oh, dear Giglio," cries Gruffanuff, skipping up, "I knew, I knew I +could trust thee--I knew that my Prince was the soul of honor. +Jump into your carriages, ladies and gentlemen, and let us go to +church at once; and as for dying, dear Giglio, no, no:--thou wilt +forget that insignificant little chambermaid of a Queen--thou wilt +live to be consoled by thy Barbara! She wishes to be a Queen, and +not a Queen Dowager, my gracious Lord!" And hanging upon poor +Giglio's arm, and leering and grinning in his face in the most +disgusting manner, this old wretch tripped off in her white satin +shoes, and jumped into the very carriage which had been got ready +to convey Giglio and Rosalba to church. The cannons roared again, +the bells pealed triple-bobmajors, the people came out flinging +flowers upon the path of the royal bride and bridegroom, and Gruff +looked out of the gilt coach window and bowed and grinned to them. +Phoo! the horrid old wretch! + + +XIX. AND NOW WE COME TO THE LAST SCENE IN THE PANTOMIME. + + +The many ups and downs of her life had given the Princess Rosalba +prodigious strength of mind, and that highly principled young woman +presently recovered from her fainting-fit, out of which Fairy +Blackstick, by a precious essence which the Fairy always carried in +her pocket, awakened her. Instead of tearing her hair, crying, and +bemoaning herself, and fainting again, as many young women would +have done, Rosalba remembered that she owed an example of firmness +to her subjects; and though she loved Giglio more than her life, +was determined, as she told the Fairy, not to interfere between him +and justice, or to cause him to break his royal word. + +"I cannot marry him, but I shall love him always," says she to +Blackstick; "I will go and be present at his marriage with the +Countess, and sign the book, and wish them happy with all my heart. +I will see, when I get home, whether I cannot make the new Queen +some handsome presents. The Crim Tartary crown diamonds are +uncommonly fine, and I shall never have any use for them. I will +live and die unmarried like Queen Elizabeth, and, of course, I +shall leave my crown to Giglio when I quit this world. Let us go +and see them married, my dear Fairy, let me say one last farewell +to him; and then, if you please, I will return to my own dominions." + +So the Fairy kissed Rosalba with peculiar tenderness, and at once +changed her wand into a very comfortable coach-and-four, with a +steady coachman, and two respectable footmen behind, and the Fairy +and Rosalba got into the coach, which Angelica and Bulbo entered +after them. As for honest Bulbo, he was blubbering in the most +pathetic manner, quite overcome by Rosalba's misfortune. She was +touched by the honest fellow's sympathy, promised to restore to him +the confiscated estates of Duke Padella his father, and created +him, as he sat there in the coach, Prince, Highness, and First +Grandee of the Crim Tartar Empire. The coach moved on, and, being +a fairy coach, soon came up with the bridal procession. + +Before the ceremony at church it was the custom in Paflagonia, as +it is in other countries, for the bride and bridegroom to sign the +Contract of Marriage, which was to be witnessed by the Chancellor, +Minister, Lord Mayor, and principal officers of state. Now, as the +royal palace was being painted and furnished anew, it was not ready +for the reception of the King and his bride, who proposed at first +to take up their residence at the Prince's palace, that one which +Valoroso occupied when Angelica was born, and before he usurped the +throne. + +So the marriage party drove up to the palace: the dignitaries got +out of their carriages and stood aside: poor Rosalba stepped out of +her coach, supported by Bulbo, and stood almost fainting up against +the railings so as to have a last look of her dear Giglio. As for +Blackstick, she, according to her custom, had flown out of the +coach window in some inscrutable manner, and was now standing at +the palace door. + +Giglio came up the steps with his horrible bride on his arm, +looking as pale as if he was going to execution. He only frowned +at the Fairy Blackstick--he was angry with her, and thought she +came to insult his misery. + +"Get out of the way, pray," says Gruffanuff haughtily. "I wonder +why you are always poking your nose into other people's affairs?" + +"Are you determined to make this poor young man unhappy?" says +Blackstick. + +"To marry him, yes! What business is it of yours? Pray, madam, +don't say 'you' to a Queen," cries Gruffanuff. + +"You won't take the money he offered you?" + +"No." + +"You won't let him off his bargain, though you know you cheated him +when you made him sign the paper?" + +"Impudence! Policemen, remove this woman!" cries Gruffanuff. And +the policemen were rushing forward, but with a wave of her wand the +Fairy struck them all like so many statues in their places. + +"You won't take anything in exchange for your bond, Mrs. Gruffanuff," +cries the Fairy, with awful severity. "I speak for the last time." + +"No!" shrieks Gruffanuff, stamping with her foot. "I'll have my +husband, my husband, my husband!" + +"YOU SHALL HAVE YOUR HUSBAND!" the Fairy Blackstick cried; and +advancing a step, laid her hand upon the nose of the KNOCKER. + + +As she touched it, the brass nose seemed to elongate, the open +mouth opened still wider, and uttered a roar which made everybody +start. The eyes rolled wildly; the arms and legs uncurled +themselves, writhed about, and seemed to lengthen with each twist; +the knocker expanded into a figure in yellow livery, six feet high; +the screws by which it was fixed to the door unloosed themselves, +and JENKINS GRUFFANUFF once more trod the threshold off which he +had been lifted more than twenty years ago! + +"Master's not at home," says Jenkins, just in his old voice; and +Mrs. Jenkins, giving a dreadful YOUP, fell down in a fit, in which +nobody minded her. + +For everybody was shouting, "Huzzay! huzzay!" "Hip, hip, hurray!" +"Long live the King and Queen!" "Were such things ever seen?" +"No, never, never, never!" "The Fairy Blackstick for ever!" + +The bells were ringing double peals, the guns roaring and banging +most prodigiously. Bulbo was embracing everybody; the Lord +Chancellor was flinging up his wig and shouting like a madman; +Hedzoff had got the Archbishop round the waist, and they were +dancing a jig for joy; and as for Giglio, I leave you to imagine +what HE was doing, and if he kissed Rosalba once, twice--twenty +thousand times, I'm sure I don't think he was wrong. + +So Gruffanuff opened the hall door with a low bow, just as he had +been accustomed to do, and they all went in and signed the book, +and then they went to church and were married, and the Fairy +Blackstick sailed away on her cane, and was never more heard of in +Paflagonia. + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg Etext The Christmas Books, by W. M. Thackeray + diff --git a/old/chmsb10.zip b/old/chmsb10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f0fcf4d --- /dev/null +++ b/old/chmsb10.zip |