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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/27299-8.txt b/27299-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..105f468 --- /dev/null +++ b/27299-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,940 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Nothing to Say, by QK Philander Doesticks + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Nothing to Say + A Slight Slap at Mobocratic Snobbery, Which Has 'Nothing + to Do' with 'Nothing to Wear' + +Author: QK Philander Doesticks + +Release Date: November 20, 2008 [EBook #27299] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK NOTHING TO SAY *** + + + + +Produced by Barbara Tozier and Bill Tozier + + + + +NOTHING TO SAY + + + + +"THE FUNNIEST WORKS IN EXISTENCE." + +DOESTICKS' BOOKS, + +New editions of which have been + +RECENTLY PUBLISHED BY + +RUDD & CARLETON, 310 BROADWAY, N. Y. + + * * * * * + +DOESTICKS, WHAT HE SAYS. + +Pp. 380. 12mo. Elegantly bound in cloth. + +Price $1 00. + +Being a compilation of the original letters from the immortal Q. K. +PHILANDER DOESTICKS, P. B. (Perfect Brick.) + +[From _N. P. Willis's Home Journal_.] + +"Things so copied, so talked of, so pulled out of every pocket to be +lent to you, so quoted, and so relished and laughed over as Doesticks' +writings, never were launched into print." + + * * * * * + +PLU-RI-BUS-TAH; + +A SONG THATS BY NO AUTHOR--A DEED WITHOUT A NAME. + +Pp. 264. 12mo. Elegantly bound in cloth. + +Price $1 00. + +As a History of the country this book is invaluable, inasmuch as it +notices a great many events not mentioned by Bancroft, Hildreth, or +Prescott. As a Novel it is unapproachable, for it contains several +characters unknown to Cooper, Dickens, Marryatt, or Bulwer. As a +Mythological Work it should be immediately secured, as it makes mention +of a number of gods and deified worthies hitherto unknown to old Jupiter +himself. As a Poem, its claims to consideration cannot be denied, as it +comprises a great many beauties not discoverable in the "Song of +Hiawatha," besides several Indian names which were therein omitted. + + * * * * * + +THE ELEPHANT CLUB. + +BY DOESTICKS AND KNIGHT RUSS OCKSIDE, M.D. + +Pp. 321. 12mo. Elegantly bound in cloth. + +Price $1 00. + +A veritable and veracious History of the Doings and Misdoings of the +members of the Elephant Club. With the minute and particular narrative +of what they did. To which is added a complex and elaborate description +of what they didn't. Containing also the exultant record of their +memorable success in eventually obtaining, each and every one, a sight +of the entire and unadulterated animal, from the primitive hair on his +attenuated proboscis, to the last kink of his symmetrical tail. + + * * * * * + +NOTHING TO SAY; + +Being a satire on Snobbery, which has + +"NOTHING TO DO" WITH "NOTHING TO WEAR." + +SUPERBLY ILLUSTRATED ON TINTED PAPER. + +Pp. 60. 12mo. Elegantly bound in cloth. + +Price 50 cents. + +These Books are all profusely embellished by Engravings from the finest +original comic designs by JOHN MCLENAN, and are books which no American +miscellaneous library should be without. + +Copies of any of these books will be sent by mail, _postage paid_, to +any part of the U. S., on receipt of the price. + + + + +[Illustration: Page 22.] + + + + +NOTHING TO SAY: + +A Slight Slap at Mobocratic Snobbery, + +WHICH HAS + +"NOTHING TO DO" with "NOTHING TO WEAR." + + +BY + + +Q. K. PHILANDER DOESTICKS, P.B. + + "My verdict for the white rose side." + 1 HENRY VII. ii. 4. + +NEW YORK: +RUDD & CARLETON, 310 BROADWAY. + +M.DCCC.LVII. + + + + +Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1857, by +RUDD & CARLTON, + +In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States for the +Southern District of New York. + +R. CRAIGHEAD, PRINTER AND STEREOTYPER, +Carton Building, +_81, 83, and 85 Centre Street_. + + + + +NOTHING TO SAY. + + * * * * * + + I, Q. K. P. DOESTICKS, of No Hall, Nowhere; + No Castle, no Villa, no Place, Court, or Terrace; + Who didn't write "Junius," or "Nothing to Wear," + Who never have visited London or Paris; + Who am not a phantom, a myth, or a mystery, + But a "homo," as solid as any of history; + As real as Antony, Cæsar, or Brutus,-- + A wide-awake Yankee, so "tarnation 'cute" as + To always write Nothings, while Nothings will pay, + Am the author of this Nothing--Nothing to Say. + + * * * * * + + I mention this fact in advance, that Miss P*** + May not strive to embezzle the laurels from me. + That her Reverend friend may attend to his Litany, + And leave me my fame, if perchance I shall get any. + I deemed it best, to set at rest, + This question before it was started, lest + Some terrible girl from the far coun_tree_, + Without proper regard to veraci_tee_, + Should haste to town, to drag me down + From my envied post of poetic renown. + Miss P***, I've a favor to ask.--If 'tis true, + That "Nothing to Wear," and "Nothing to Do," + And "Nothing to Eat," were all written by you,-- + Let those three Nothings content you I pray, + Say nothing yourself; leave me "Nothing to Say." + + * * * * * + + From time immemorial, people of fashion + Have been the target of poets and penny wits, + And been lampooned without stint or compassion, + From Dan to Beersheba--from Dublin to Dennevitz; + And our now-a-day rhymsters, taking the cue, + Have aimed all their shots at the Fifth Avenue, + Till the clever author of "Nothing to Wear," + Fired his broadside at Madison Square. + Now _I_ don't consider this sort of thing personal, + _I'm_ not a bit of a dandy or fop; + But the seed it is constantly sowing, is worse than all + Others, and bears a most plentiful crop; + For it all goes to strengthen the popular fallacy + That, because a man lives in a "brown stone palace" he + Must be a miser, a rogue and a knave, + Without soul enough to condemn or to save-- + +[Illustration: Page 28.] + + That a broadcloth coat argues sin, if not felony; + If a man has the tact in the world to get well on, he + Cannot be else than a thorough-paced scamp; + That the "villanous rich" wear a cloak and a mask, all, + And the greater the riches, the greater the rascal. + That the cardinal virtues only endure, + In the atmosphere with the "virtuous poor;" + That nowhere are found the true Christian graces, + Save closely allied to the dirtiest faces. + I shall not contradict this delightful tradition, + But beg--No, I won't, I will take it--permission, + To state, that I think there's a word to be said, + From a different text, on the opposite head. + And so I'll invent, as well as I'm able, + A new home-made, allegorical fable; + And my honest purpose shall be, to see + If the scoundrel rich have not borne a part + In those noble charities, which are + The pride of this jolly old city's heart. + And if I shall find that the virtuous mob + Have ever been known one farthing to pay, + Without hoping a hundred-fold profit to make: + Where the "rich man," the "miser," "aristocrat," "snob," + Has poured out his thousands for Charity's sake, + I'll lay down my pen, and have "Nothing to Say." + + * * * * * + + I shall not describe the SPIRIT OF CANT, + Of popular humbug, and vulgar rant, + And tell how he looks in a tangible form, + And give the length of his horns and claws, + The spread of his wings, the width of his jaws, + And detail the other proportions grim, + Which belong to a powerful demon like him. + Go and look at the melodramatic stage, + When a "spectacle" piece is all the rage; + And there, in the midst of some "property" storm, + While the sheet-iron thunder is rattling its best, + And the rosin lightning, and all the rest + Of the elements are, for some tragedy-reason, + Making the "awfullest gale of the season--" + See, at the sound of the prompter's tap, + The fiend come up through the "Vampyre trap;" + Take a mental photograph then, and there, + Of that imp, with his "fixins" all complete-- + The elfish grin, the tangled hair, + The dragon wings and the scaly feet-- + And you'll have a notion of him I mean, + The demon of this, my opening scene. + I might go to Milton, and steal, bit by bit, + A description to suit my Spirit of Cant, + A second-hand suit, but a "shplendid fit," + As a Jew would assure me--but then I sha'nt. + His work is to preach the humbug which passes + For gospel among the "down-trodden masses;" + And to prate of the "wrongs and indignities," which + Are heaped on their heads by the "cold-hearted rich." + + * * * * * + + This Spirit was busy at work one day, + Amongst a crowd of Bowery boys, + When CHARITY happened to come that way; + And she stopped to listen--though, sooth to say, + She seldom is fond of clamor and noise. + + * * * * * + + "Now, pray, Mr. Author, wait just a minute, + Stop! + Drop + +[Illustration: Page 35.] + + Your subject, and don't again begin it + Till you tell us: What did Charity wear? + Was her dress of _moire antique_, or satin; + Or was it plain muslin--just like that in + Which love-lorn maidens on the stage + Go raving crazy?--and had she a page? + Did she wear hoops? and what sort of a bonnet? + And tell us, what kind of trimming was on it? + What--" Stop, stop, dear ladies, it isn't fair + To question thus closely a modest young man. + If I _could_ tell the items, I would, I declare; + For I always oblige you whenever I can. + I know that of dresses she has a variety, + Though vanity's not her predominant passion, + She was costumed, no doubt, with the greatest propriety, + In the very extreme of the reigning fashion. + Well! she stopped to listen, a minute or more, + To the fellow's mischievous harangue, before + She resolved what to do; then she stepped to the door + Of an Astor Place car, and beckoned to him, + And he followed at once, while his audience scattered; + To tell the truth, he felt quite flattered, + And he smiled a smile most heavy and grim, + For he thought he'd awakened a tender passion + In the heart of a belle, a lady of fashion. + And they sat side by side, this curious pair, + While they rode up to Eighth street--and she paid the fare. + + * * * * * + + They stepped from the car, and stood before, + The "COOPER INSTITUTE'S" new-painted door-- + + * * * * * + + "Who hath done this?" asked Charity then; + "Who hath done this for his fellow-men? + Hath builded this house, that all may come-- + The poor most welcome--to Learning's treasure, + And drink their fill without stint or measure? + Who hath so nobly used his thrift, + And bestowed on the world this priceless gift, + Free to all, whoever may come? + Was this noble work built up by the 'masses,' + Or by one of the 'miserly, upper classes'?" + + * * * * * + + To the Spirit, this speech was quite unexpected, + And he stood in a sort of stupid dismay; + And before his few scattered thoughts were collected, + She rightly concluded--he'd Nothing to Say. + Then she lifted her skirts with a masterly hand, + And out of the puddles and ruts kept them well up,-- + Thus showed that she had the most perfect command + Of the crinoline mysteries of her envelope, + 'Twas done with the daintiest grace all the while, + And discovered the daintiest possible gaiter,-- + Then she turned to her friend with a nod and a smile, + And told him to follow--he straightway obeyed her. + As they hurried along, she kept ever before him, + And he kept his eye on the tempting prunella, + Secretly hoping there'd come such a shower + As would make a new Flood in half-an-hour-- + That she, with a womanly care for her bonnet, + Which would "spot," with the least drop of water upon it, + +[Illustration: Page 39.] + + Might become condescending, and humbly implore him + To come along-side with his cotton umbrella. + But the shower didn't come, and without a disaster, + They reached the huge Library--christened of Astor. + Then she shook down her skirts to their natural latitude-- + Ahem'd once or twice--struck _out_ a nice attitude-- + And then she struck _into_ this little oration, + Though I'm sure _I_ don't know where she learned declamation. + + * * * * * + + "Spirit, behold! these bending shelves + Are groaning 'neath the gathered store + Of every nation's varied lore. + Most welcome are the poor themselves + To freely turn these countless pages, + And gather from the words of sages + All the light of former ages. + Whoever wills is here a guest, + The _poorest_ are the welcomest. + Who hath done this? your virtuous mob, + Or a 'cold-hearted miser,' a 'pampered snob?'" + + * * * * * + + Here her Companion began to perceive + That her feminine tongue would have its own way; + That the cleverest thing _he_ could do was to leave + The talking to her, and have Nothing to Say. + The lady had now been chattering so long, + She felt that her voice was beginning to fail her; + A punch would, she felt, be a blessing and boon, + The "dientical" thing with which to regale her, + So they pushed their way through the gathering throng, + And hurried away to Taylor's Saloon. + + * * * * * + + They seated themselves at the table together,-- + The customers "staring their eyes out," to see + Who this queer-looking couple could possibly be,-- + Asking each other in whispers, whether, + It wasn't the likeliest thing that she, + Was a Western Actress, and he an Editor; + And some were terribly frightened, because + They couldn't help thinking there certainly was, + The Old Nick to pay, and that he was their creditor. + + * * * * * + + But the strangers composedly sat, never heeding + These stupid remarks, or taking offence, + And they quietly kept on their drinking and feeding, + Without the slightest regard to expense. + If an appetite sharp is a thing so delightful, + Charity had no occasion to sigh at hers; + Boarding-house keepers would say it was frightful, + And ruinous too, to the hotel proprietors. + + * * * * * + + They were sated at last, and turned from the door; + He, wondering whither she now would go-- + And well he might--in an instant more + He was over shoes in the frozen snow; + While she coolly remarked, with a Camille cough, + That the North Pole was only a half a mile off. + + * * * * * + + How it was they got to their present location, + I'm sure I don't know, and it's not my vocation + To give the details of their quick locomotion. + Electricity may have done it, or steam; + +[Illustration: Page 46.] + + But motive powers are not my theme. + My heroes were there, near the frozen ocean. + + * * * * * + + The man had too much of "cold without," + And the lady sighed for her tippet and muff; + For though they had come by a summary route, + The weather, they found, was wintry enough. + When they climbed an iceberg's loftiest height, + To the imminent danger of dresses and hoops, + Of ribbons and pins, and laces and loops, + The GRINNELL EXPEDITION was in sight. + + * * * * * + + Now the lady had been prepared to preach, + Or rather, to make a nice serious speech; + But it might as well have been written in Dutch for her, + For the wind and the weather, conspiring together, + Turned out to be, altogether too much for her; + One half she forgot, and she bungled the rest of it, + Though I finally managed to pick out the best of it. + She asked her companion, who stood in the lee of her, + For the wind spread her skirts to the bigness of three of her, + "Who sent these ships to the rescue of those, + Who have perilled their lives in these Northern snows? + Did he spring from the mob, the benevolent 'masses,' + Or from the detestable 'upper classes'?" + With a great deal more to the same effect, + Which I couldn't exactly make out the sense of, + For I know that her sentences "failed to connect;" + And I suppose that her chattering teeth bit the ends off; + But 'twas very conclusive, whatever she said. + He never disputed her; never said nay, + But only hung down his discomfited head; + And whatever he thought, he had Nothing to Say. + + * * * * * + + Chilled to the heart with the terrible cold, + Both to get back were most truly-solicitous, + Never before was the saying old, + "As cold as charity," half so felicitous. + + * * * * * + + They hastened back to Broadway, when she said, + That one more journey that night she'd lead him, + Before she'd let him go home to bed. + And he, not caring to quibble or question, + At once fell in with the lady's suggestion, + Not thinking she'd "one more" lecture to read him. + + * * * * * + + This time they took a course rectilinear + Southward, and landed in Norfolk, Virginia. + + * * * * * + + Pestilence there was doing its worst, + Hundreds were dying, and hundreds were dead. + Many who should have been bravest, the first + Had deserted their trust, and shamelessly fled. + But men from the Northern cities were there, + Nursing the sick with the tenderest care, + Whose kindred had fled to less dangerous lands, + Leaving the dying to strangers' hands. + +[Illustration: Page 52.] + + While the two stood quiet beside the bed + Of a patient sufferer, Charity said: + + * * * * * + + "Who hath sent these strangers here, + These dying men to soothe and cheer? + To do what mortal skill may do + To lighten their burdens of grief and woe; + To shrive these dying souls of blame, + To bid them hope in Heaven above. + Who hath sent these in my dear name + To do this holiest work of love? + Hath the treasure here given been paid by those + Whose 'wrongs' are so earnestly plead by you? + Or hath it been done by their 'natural foes,' + The wealthy, the rich, the opulent few + Of Madison Square and the Fifth Avenue?" + + * * * * * + + During this lengthy interrogation + The Spirit had been pretending to doze, + But he waked himself up at the peroration, + And most ungallantly turned up his nose, + And turned on his heel, and turned him away,-- + Sulkily saying, he'd Nothing to Say. + + * * * * * + + Dear Readers, I'll ask one question of you-- + Don't you think it may possibly chance to be true, + That Charity, really, not merely in fables, + May apparel herself in satins and sables, + And costliest ribbons, and fragilest laces, + Like the daintiest beauties of Madison Square, + And may take up a home in the loftiest places, + With those who've, satirically, Nothing to Wear? + + * * * * * + + And in that blissful realm above, + Where the poor and the rich meet in meekness and love: + Where the works of each heart are unveiled to the light, + And Humbug and Cant yield to Truth and to Right-- + Where the trickster lays off his mask of deceit, + And the cloak of the hypocrite drops to his feet, + And Honor is given, where Honor is due-- + We _may_ see that some from the Fifth Avenue, + Most nobly will speak in that great reckoning day, + While their earthly detractors have NOTHING TO SAY. + + + +FINIS. + + + + Transcriber's Note: Minor punctuation errors have been repaired. + Spelling was left as found. + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Nothing to Say, by QK Philander Doesticks + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK NOTHING TO SAY *** + +***** This file should be named 27299-8.txt or 27299-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/7/2/9/27299/ + +Produced by Barbara Tozier and Bill Tozier + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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K. Philander Doesticks + </title> + <style type="text/css"> +/*<![CDATA[*/ + body {width:70%;margin:0 15%;font-family:serif;} + h1 {text-align:center;font-weight:normal;font-variant:small-caps;} + img {border:0;margin:auto;display:block;} + .illo {margin:3em 0;} + .illo p {text-align:center;text-indent:0em;font-size:.85em;line-height:1em;} + .half-title {font-variant:small-caps; font-size:2em;text-align:center;padding:3em 0em;} + #ad-page p {text-align:center;text-indent:0em;} + #ad-page p.ad-detail, #ad-page p.ad-finale, #ad-page p.ad-testimonial {text-align:justify;text-indent:1em;font-size:.8em;} + #ad-page p.ad-title {font-weight:bold;font-size:1.2em;} + hr.short {text-align:center;width:25%;padding:0;margin:auto;} + .fancy, #the-end {font-family: "Lucida Blackletter", sans-serif;font-weight:normal;} + #ad-page p.ad-finale {font-size:.9em;} + #ad-page p.ad-testimonial {text-align:center;text-indent:0em;} + #ad-page {margin:5em 0;} + #title-page, #copyright-page {margin:5em 0;} + #title-page p, #copyright-page p {text-align:center;text-indent:0;} + #subtitle {line-height:4em;} + .special-emphasis {font-weight:normal;font-variant:small-caps;} + .smaller {font-size:.8em;} + .larger {font-size:1.2em;} + #title-page .epigram {width:50%;margin:3em 25%;} + #title-page .epigram p {text-align:left;} + #title-page .epigram p.citation {text-align:right;} + #publisher {font-variant:small-caps;} + #copyright-page {font-size:.8em;} + #printer {width:45%;border-top:2px black solid;margin-top:5em;} + #poem {line-height:1.5em;} + #poem p {margin:0 15%;} + #poem hr {margin:3em auto;} + .first-paragraph {padding-top:3em;} + .first-paragraph:first-letter {font-size:2em;line-height:1;} + .first-word {font-variant:small-caps;} + .i2 {padding-left:1em;} + .i4 {padding-left:2em;} + #the-end {text-align:center;text-indent:0em;font-size:1.2em;margin:5em 0em;border-bottom:thin gray solid;padding-bottom:5em;} + #the-beginning {border-top:thin gray solid;padding-top:5em;} + #transcriber-note {width:60%;text-indent:0em;margin:5em auto; color:black;background-color:#ddd;padding:1em;font-size:.9em;} + + + /* Page Numbering */ + .pagenum { position: absolute; left: 2em; font-size: 10px; text-align: left; color: gray; background-color: inherit; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-indent: 0em; } + a[title].pagenum:after { content: attr(title); } /* comment this instruction to hide page numbers */ + .disguise {color:window;} /* Used to make some page numbers invisible but still anchors. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Nothing to Say + A Slight Slap at Mobocratic Snobbery, Which Has 'Nothing + to Do' with 'Nothing to Wear' + +Author: QK Philander Doesticks + +Release Date: November 20, 2008 [EBook #27299] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK NOTHING TO SAY *** + + + + +Produced by Barbara Tozier and Bill Tozier + + + + + +</pre> + + <div class="illo" id="the-beginning"> + <img src="images/cover.jpg" width="480" height="738" alt="Book cover" title="Nothing to Say, by Doesticks, Illustrated" /> + </div> + + <p class="half-title"><a class="pagenum disguise" id="page1" title="1"> </a>Nothing to Say</p> + + <div id="ad-page"><a class="pagenum disguise" id="page2" title="2"> </a> + <p class="special-emphasis">“The Funniest Works in Existence.”</p> + + <p style="font-size:2em;letter-spacing:.2em;"> DOESTICKS’ BOOKS,</p> + + <p>New editions of which have been</p> + + <p class="larger">RECENTLY PUBLISHED BY</p> + + <p style="font-size:1.5em;">RUDD & CARLETON, 310 BROADWAY, N. Y.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + + <p class="ad-title">DOESTICKS, WHAT HE SAYS.</p> + + <p>Pp. 380. 12mo. Elegantly bound in cloth.</p> + + <p>Price $1 00.</p> + + <p>Being a compilation of the original letters from the immortal <strong style="font-weight:normal;font-variant:small-caps;">Q. K. Philander + Doesticks</strong>, P. B. (Perfect Brick.)</p> + + <p class="ad-testimonial">[From <cite>N. P. Willis’s Home Journal</cite>.]</p> + + <p class="ad-detail">“Things so copied, so talked of, so pulled out of every pocket to be lent to you, so quoted, + and so relished and laughed over as Doesticks’ writings, never were launched into print.”</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + + <p class="ad-title">PLU-RI-BUS-TAH;</p> + + <p>A SONG THATS BY NO AUTHOR—A DEED WITHOUT A NAME.</p> + + <p>Pp. 264. 12mo. Elegantly bound in cloth.</p> + + <p>Price $1 00.</p> + + <p class="ad-detail">As a History of the country this book is invaluable, inasmuch as it notices a great many events + not mentioned by Bancroft, Hildreth, or Prescott. As a Novel it is unapproachable, for it contains + several characters unknown to Cooper, Dickens, Marryatt, or Bulwer. As a Mythological + Work it should be immediately secured, as it makes mention of a number of gods and deified + worthies hitherto unknown to old Jupiter himself. As a Poem, its claims to consideration cannot + be denied, as it comprises a great many beauties not discoverable in the “Song of Hiawatha,” + besides several Indian names which were therein omitted.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + + <p class="ad-title">THE ELEPHANT CLUB.</p> + + <p>BY DOESTICKS AND KNIGHT RUSS OCKSIDE, M.D.</p> + + <p>Pp. 321. 12mo. Elegantly bound in cloth.</p> + + <p>Price $1 00.</p> + + <p class="ad-detail">A veritable and veracious History of the Doings and Misdoings of the members of the Elephant + Club. With the minute and particular narrative of what they did. To which is added a complex + and elaborate description of what they didn’t. Containing also the exultant record of their + memorable success in eventually obtaining, each and every one, a sight of the entire and unadulterated + animal, from the primitive hair on his attenuated proboscis, to the last kink of his + symmetrical tail.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + + <p class="ad-title">NOTHING TO SAY;</p> + + <p>Being a satire on Snobbery, which has</p> + + <p>“NOTHING TO DO” WITH “NOTHING TO WEAR.”</p> + + <p class="fancy">Superbly Illustrated on Tinted Paper.</p> + + <p>Pp. 60. 12mo. Elegantly bound in cloth.</p> + + <p>Price 50 cents.</p> + + <p class="ad-finale">These Books are all profusely embellished by Engravings from the finest + original comic designs by <span style="special-emphasis">John McLenan</span>, and are books which no American + miscellaneous library should be without.</p> + + <p class="ad-finale">Copies of any of these books will be sent by mail, <em>postage paid</em>, to any + part of the U. S., on receipt of the price.</p> + </div> + + <!-- <a class="pagenum" id="page3" title="3"> </a>[Blank Page] --> + + <div class="illo"><a class="pagenum disguise" id="page4" title="4"> </a> + <img src="images/fig005.png" width="532" height="743" alt="Fig005" /> + <p><a href="#page22">Page 22.</a></p> + </div> + + <div id="title-page"><a class="pagenum disguise" id="page5" title="5"> </a> + <h1 class="title">Nothing To Say:</h1> + + <p id="subtitle">A Slight Slap at Mobocratic Snobbery,<br /> + + <span class="smaller">WHICH HAS</span><br /> + + <span class="larger">“<strong class="special-emphasis">Nothing to Do</strong>” with “<strong class="special-emphasis">Nothing to Wear</strong>.”</span></p> + + <p id="author"><span class="smaller">BY</span><br /> + + <span class="larger">Q. K. PHILANDER DOESTICKS, P.B.</span></p> + + <blockquote class="epigram"> + <p>“My verdict for the white rose side.”</p> + <p class="citation">1 <span class="special-emphasis">Henry VII.</span> ii. 4.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p id="publisher"><span class="larger">New York:</span><br /> + RUDD & CARLETON, 310 BROADWAY.</p> + + <p class="smaller">M.DCCC.LVII.</p> + + </div> + + <div id="copyright-page"><a class="pagenum disguise" id="page6" title="6"> </a> + <p>Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1857, by <br /> + RUDD & CARLTON,</p> + + <p>In the Clerk’s Office of the District Court of the United States for the + Southern District of New York.</p> + + <div id="printer"> + <p>R. CRAIGHEAD, PRINTER AND STEREOTYPER, <br /> + <span class="fancy">Carton Building</span>, <br /> + <em>81, 83, and 85 Centre Street</em>.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p class="half-title"><a class="pagenum disguise" id="page7" title="7"> </a>NOTHING TO SAY.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + + <div id="poem"> + <p class="first-paragraph"><span class="first-word">I, Q. K. P. Doesticks</span>, of No Hall, Nowhere;</p> + <p>No Castle, no Villa, no Place, Court, or Terrace;</p> + <p class="i2"> Who didn’t write “Junius,” or “Nothing to Wear,”</p> + <p class="i2"> Who never have visited London or Paris;</p> + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page8" title="8"> </a>Who am not a phantom, a myth, or a mystery,</p> + <p>But a “homo,” as solid as any of history;</p> + <p>As real as Antony, Cæsar, or Brutus,—</p> + <p>A wide-awake Yankee, so “tarnation ’cute” as</p> + <p>To always write Nothings, while Nothings will pay,</p> + <p>Am the author of this Nothing—Nothing to Say.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page9" title="9"> </a>I mention this fact in advance, that Miss P***</p> + <p>May not strive to embezzle the laurels from me.</p> + <p>That her Reverend friend may attend to his Litany,</p> + <p>And leave me my fame, if perchance I shall get any.</p> + <p>I deemed it best, to set at rest,</p> + <p>This question before it was started, lest</p> + <p>Some terrible girl from the far coun<em>tree</em>,</p> + <p>Without proper regard to veraci<em>tee</em>,</p> + <p>Should haste to town, to drag me down</p> + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page10" title="10"> </a>From my envied post of poetic renown.</p> + <p>Miss P***, I’ve a favor to ask.—If ’tis true,</p> + <p>That “Nothing to Wear,” and “Nothing to Do,”</p> + <p>And “Nothing to Eat,” were all written by you,—</p> + <p>Let those three Nothings content you I pray,</p> + <p>Say nothing yourself; leave me “Nothing to Say.”</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page11" title="11"> </a>From time immemorial, people of fashion</p> + <p class="i2"> Have been the target of poets and penny wits,</p> + <p>And been lampooned without stint or compassion,</p> + <p class="i2"> From Dan to Beersheba—from Dublin to Dennevitz;</p> + <p>And our now-a-day rhymsters, taking the cue,</p> + <p>Have aimed all their shots at the Fifth Avenue,</p> + <p>Till the clever author of “Nothing to Wear,”</p> + <p>Fired his broadside at Madison Square.</p> + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page12" title="12"> </a>Now <em>I</em> don’t consider this sort of thing personal,</p> + <p class="i2"> <em>I’m</em> not a bit of a dandy or fop;</p> + <p>But the seed it is constantly sowing, is worse than all</p> + <p class="i2"> Others, and bears a most plentiful crop;</p> + <p>For it all goes to strengthen the popular fallacy</p> + <p>That, because a man lives in a “brown stone palace” he</p> + <p>Must be a miser, a rogue and a knave,</p> + <p>Without soul enough to condemn or to save—</p> + <div class="illo"><a class="pagenum" id="page13" title="13"> </a> + <img src="images/fig014.png" width="560" height="735" alt="Two winged beings stand before a building marked 'To Science and Art'" /> + <p><a href="#page28">Page 28.</a></p> + </div> + <!-- <a class="pagenum" id="page14" title="14"> </a>[Blank Page] --> + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page15" title="15"> </a>That a broadcloth coat argues sin, if not felony;</p> + <p>If a man has the tact in the world to get well on, he</p> + <p>Cannot be else than a thorough-paced scamp;</p> + <p class="i2">That the “villanous rich” wear a cloak and a mask, all,</p> + <p class="i2">And the greater the riches, the greater the rascal.</p> + <p>That the cardinal virtues only endure,</p> + <p>In the atmosphere with the “virtuous poor;”</p> + <p>That nowhere are found the true Christian graces,</p> + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page16" title="16"> </a>Save closely allied to the dirtiest faces.</p> + <p>I shall not contradict this delightful tradition,</p> + <p>But beg—No, I won’t, I will take it—permission,</p> + <p>To state, that I think there’s a word to be said,</p> + <p>From a different text, on the opposite head.</p> + <p>And so I’ll invent, as well as I’m able,</p> + <p>A new home-made, allegorical fable;</p> + <p>And my honest purpose shall be, to see</p> + <p class="i2"><a class="pagenum" id="page17" title="17"> </a>If the scoundrel rich have not borne a part</p> + <p>In those noble charities, which are</p> + <p class="i2">The pride of this jolly old city’s heart.</p> + <p>And if I shall find that the virtuous mob</p> + <p class="i2">Have ever been known one farthing to pay,</p> + <p class="i2">Without hoping a hundred-fold profit to make:</p> + <p>Where the “rich man,” the “miser,” “aristocrat,” “snob,”</p> + <p>Has poured out his thousands for Charity’s sake,</p> + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page18" title="18"> </a>I’ll lay down my pen, and have “Nothing to Say.”</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>I shall not describe the <strong class="special-emphasis">Spirit of Cant</strong>,</p> + <p>Of popular humbug, and vulgar rant,</p> + <p class="i2">And tell how he looks in a tangible form,</p> + <p>And give the length of his horns and claws,</p> + <p>The spread of his wings, the width of his jaws,</p> + <p>And detail the other proportions grim,</p> + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page19" title="19"> </a>Which belong to a powerful demon like him.</p> + <p>Go and look at the melodramatic stage,</p> + <p>When a “spectacle” piece is all the rage;</p> + <p class="i2">And there, in the midst of some “property” storm,</p> + <p>While the sheet-iron thunder is rattling its best,</p> + <p>And the rosin lightning, and all the rest</p> + <p>Of the elements are, for some tragedy-reason,</p> + <p>Making the “awfullest gale of the season—”</p> + <p>See, at the sound of the prompter’s tap,</p> + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page20" title="20"> </a>The fiend come up through the “Vampyre trap;”</p> + <p>Take a mental photograph then, and there,</p> + <p class="i2">Of that imp, with his “fixins” all complete—</p> + <p>The elfish grin, the tangled hair,</p> + <p class="i2">The dragon wings and the scaly feet—</p> + <p>And you’ll have a notion of him I mean,</p> + <p>The demon of this, my opening scene.</p> + <p>I might go to Milton, and steal, bit by bit,</p> + <p class="i2">A description to suit my Spirit of Cant,</p> + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page21" title="21"> </a>A second-hand suit, but a “shplendid fit,”</p> + <p class="i2">As a Jew would assure me—but then I sha’nt.</p> + <p>His work is to preach the humbug which passes</p> + <p>For gospel among the “down-trodden masses;”</p> + <p>And to prate of the “wrongs and indignities,” which</p> + <p>Are heaped on their heads by the “cold-hearted rich.”</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page22" title="22"> </a>This Spirit was busy at work one day,</p> + <p class="i2">Amongst a crowd of Bowery boys,</p> + <p>When <strong class="special-emphasis">Charity</strong> happened to come that way;</p> + <p>And she stopped to listen—though, sooth to say,</p> + <p class="i2">She seldom is fond of clamor and noise.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>“Now, pray, Mr. Author, wait just a minute,</p> + <p class="i4">Stop!</p> + <p class="i4">Drop</p> + <div class="illo"><a class="pagenum" id="page23" title="23"> </a> + <img src="images/fig024.png" width="578" height="740" alt="A winged woman points something out to a winged man." /> + <p><a href="#page35">Page 35.</a></p> + </div> + <!-- <a class="pagenum" id="page24" title="24"> </a>[Blank Page] --> + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page25" title="25"> </a>Your subject, and don’t again begin it</p> + <p class="i2">Till you tell us: What did Charity wear?</p> + <p>Was her dress of <em lang="fr" xml:lang="fr">moire antique</em>, or satin;</p> + <p>Or was it plain muslin—just like that in</p> + <p>Which love-lorn maidens on the stage</p> + <p>Go raving crazy?—and had she a page?</p> + <p>Did she wear hoops? and what sort of a bonnet?</p> + <p>And tell us, what kind of trimming was on it?</p> + <p class="i2">What—” Stop, stop, dear ladies, it isn’t fair</p> + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page26" title="26"> </a>To question thus closely a modest young man.</p> + <p class="i2">If I <em>could</em> tell the items, I would, I declare;</p> + <p>For I always oblige you whenever I can.</p> + <p>I know that of dresses she has a variety,</p> + <p class="i2">Though vanity’s not her predominant passion,</p> + <p>She was costumed, no doubt, with the greatest propriety,</p> + <p class="i2">In the very extreme of the reigning fashion.</p> + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page27" title="27"> </a>Well! she stopped to listen, a minute or more,</p> + <p>To the fellow’s mischievous harangue, before</p> + <p>She resolved what to do; then she stepped to the door</p> + <p class="i2">Of an Astor Place car, and beckoned to him,</p> + <p>And he followed at once, while his audience scattered;</p> + <p>To tell the truth, he felt quite flattered,</p> + <p class="i2">And he smiled a smile most heavy and grim,</p> + <p>For he thought he’d awakened a tender passion</p> + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page28" title="28"> </a>In the heart of a belle, a lady of fashion.</p> + <p>And they sat side by side, this curious pair,</p> + <p>While they rode up to Eighth street—and she paid the fare.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>They stepped from the car, and stood before,</p> + <p>The “<strong class="special-emphasis">Cooper Institute’s</strong>” new-painted door—</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page29" title="29"> </a>“Who hath done this?” asked Charity then;</p> + <p>“Who hath done this for his fellow-men?</p> + <p class="i2">Hath builded this house, that all may come—</p> + <p>The poor most welcome—to Learning’s treasure,</p> + <p>And drink their fill without stint or measure?</p> + <p>Who hath so nobly used his thrift,</p> + <p>And bestowed on the world this priceless gift,</p> + <p class="i2">Free to all, whoever may come?</p> + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page30" title="30"> </a>Was this noble work built up by the ‘masses,’</p> + <p>Or by one of the ‘miserly, upper classes’?”</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>To the Spirit, this speech was quite unexpected,</p> + <p class="i2">And he stood in a sort of stupid dismay;</p> + <p>And before his few scattered thoughts were collected,</p> + <p class="i2">She rightly concluded—he’d Nothing to Say.</p> + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page31" title="31"> </a>Then she lifted her skirts with a masterly hand,</p> + <p class="i2">And out of the puddles and ruts kept them well up,—</p> + <p>Thus showed that she had the most perfect command</p> + <p class="i2">Of the crinoline mysteries of her envelope,</p> + <p>’Twas done with the daintiest grace all the while,</p> + <p class="i2">And discovered the daintiest possible gaiter,—</p> + <p>Then she turned to her friend with a nod and a smile,</p> + <p class="i2"><a class="pagenum" id="page32" title="32"> </a>And told him to follow—he straightway obeyed her.</p> + <p>As they hurried along, she kept ever before him,</p> + <p>And he kept his eye on the tempting prunella,</p> + <p>Secretly hoping there’d come such a shower</p> + <p class="i2">As would make a new Flood in half-an-hour—</p> + <p>That she, with a womanly care for her bonnet,</p> + <p class="i2">Which would “spot,” with the least drop of water upon it,</p> + <div class="illo"><a class="pagenum disguise" id="page33" title="33"> </a> + <img src="images/fig034.png" width="540" height="752" alt="Charity and the other Spirit sit at a restaurant table." /> + <p><a href="#page39">Page 39.</a></p> + </div> + <!-- <a class="pagenum" id="page34" title="34"> </a>[Blank Page] --> + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page35" title="35"> </a>Might become condescending, and humbly implore him</p> + <p>To come along-side with his cotton umbrella.</p> + <p>But the shower didn’t come, and without a disaster,</p> + <p class="i2">They reached the huge Library—christened of Astor.</p> + <p>Then she shook down her skirts to their natural latitude—</p> + <p class="i2">Ahem’d once or twice—struck <em>out</em> a nice attitude—</p> + <p>And then she struck <em>into</em> this little oration,</p> + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page36" title="36"> </a>Though I’m sure <em>I</em> don’t know where she learned declamation.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + + <p class="i2">“Spirit, behold! these bending shelves</p> + <p>Are groaning ’neath the gathered store</p> + <p>Of every nation’s varied lore.</p> + <p class="i2">Most welcome are the poor themselves</p> + <p>To freely turn these countless pages,</p> + <p>And gather from the words of sages</p> + <p>All the light of former ages.</p> + <p>Whoever wills is here a guest,</p> + <p>The <em>poorest</em> are the welcomest.</p> + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page37" title="37"> </a>Who hath done this? your virtuous mob,</p> + <p>Or a ‘cold-hearted miser,’ a ‘pampered snob’?”</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Here her Companion began to perceive</p> + <p class="i2">That her feminine tongue would have its own way;</p> + <p>That the cleverest thing <em>he</em> could do was to leave</p> + <p class="i2">The talking to her, and have Nothing to Say.</p> + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page38" title="38"> </a>The lady had now been chattering so long,</p> + <p class="i2">She felt that her voice was beginning to fail her;</p> + <p>A punch would, she felt, be a blessing and boon,</p> + <p class="i2">The “dientical” thing with which to regale her,</p> + <p>So they pushed their way through the gathering throng,</p> + <p class="i2">And hurried away to Taylor’s Saloon.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page39" title="39"> </a>They seated themselves at the table together,—</p> + <p>The customers “staring their eyes out,” to see</p> + <p>Who this queer-looking couple could possibly be,—</p> + <p>Asking each other in whispers, whether,</p> + <p>It wasn’t the likeliest thing that she,</p> + <p>Was a Western Actress, and he an Editor;</p> + <p>And some were terribly frightened, because</p> + <p>They couldn’t help thinking there certainly was,</p> + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page40" title="40"> </a>The Old Nick to pay, and that he was their creditor.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>But the strangers composedly sat, never heeding</p> + <p class="i2">These stupid remarks, or taking offence,</p> + <p>And they quietly kept on their drinking and feeding,</p> + <p class="i2">Without the slightest regard to expense.</p> + <p>If an appetite sharp is a thing so delightful,</p> + <p class="i2"><a class="pagenum" id="page41" title="41"> </a>Charity had no occasion to sigh at hers;</p> + <p>Boarding-house keepers would say it was frightful,</p> + <p class="i2">And ruinous too, to the hotel proprietors.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>They were sated at last, and turned from the door;</p> + <p class="i2">He, wondering whither she now would go—</p> + <p>And well he might—in an instant more</p> + <p class="i2">He was over shoes in the frozen snow;</p> + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page42" title="42"> </a>While she coolly remarked, with a Camille cough,</p> + <p>That the North Pole was only a half a mile off.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>How it was they got to their present location,</p> + <p>I’m sure I don’t know, and it’s not my vocation</p> + <p class="i2">To give the details of their quick locomotion.</p> + <p>Electricity may have done it, or steam;</p> + <div class="illo"><a class="pagenum disguise" id="page43" title="43"> </a> + <img src="images/fig044.png" width="566" height="736" alt="Charity shows the Spirit a shipwreck." /> + <p><a href="#page46">Page 46.</a></p> + </div> + <!-- <a class="pagenum" id="page44" title="44"> </a>[Blank Page] --> + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page45" title="45"> </a>But motive powers are not my theme.</p> + <p class="i2">My heroes were there, near the frozen ocean.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The man had too much of “cold without,”</p> + <p class="i2">And the lady sighed for her tippet and muff;</p> + <p>For though they had come by a summary route,</p> + <p class="i2">The weather, they found, was wintry enough.</p> + <p class="i2"><a class="pagenum" id="page46" title="46"> </a>When they climbed an iceberg’s loftiest height,</p> + <p>To the imminent danger of dresses and hoops,</p> + <p>Of ribbons and pins, and laces and loops,</p> + <p class="i2">The <strong class="special-emphasis">Grinnell Expedition</strong> was in sight.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Now the lady had been prepared to preach,</p> + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page47" title="47"> </a>Or rather, to make a nice serious speech;</p> + <p>But it might as well have been written in Dutch for her,</p> + <p>For the wind and the weather, conspiring together,</p> + <p>Turned out to be, altogether too much for her;</p> + <p>One half she forgot, and she bungled the rest of it,</p> + <p>Though I finally managed to pick out the best of it.</p> + <p>She asked her companion, who stood in the lee of her,</p> + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page48" title="48"> </a>For the wind spread her skirts to the bigness of three of her,</p> + <p>“Who sent these ships to the rescue of those,</p> + <p>Who have perilled their lives in these Northern snows?</p> + <p>Did he spring from the mob, the benevolent ‘masses,’</p> + <p>Or from the detestable ‘upper classes’?”</p> + <p>With a great deal more to the same effect,</p> + <p class="i2">Which I couldn’t exactly make out the sense of,</p> + <p>For I know that her sentences “failed to connect;”</p> + <p class="i2"><a class="pagenum" id="page49" title="49"> </a>And I suppose that her chattering teeth bit the ends off;</p> + <p>But ’twas very conclusive, whatever she said.</p> + <p class="i2">He never disputed her; never said nay,</p> + <p>But only hung down his discomfited head;</p> + <p class="i2">And whatever he thought, he had Nothing to Say.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page50" title="50"> </a>Chilled to the heart with the terrible cold,</p> + <p class="i2">Both to get back were most truly-solicitous,</p> + <p>Never before was the saying old,</p> + <p class="i2">“As cold as charity,” half so felicitous.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>They hastened back to Broadway, when she said,</p> + <p class="i2">That one more journey that night she’d lead him,</p> + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page51" title="51"> </a>Before she’d let him go home to bed.</p> + <p>And he, not caring to quibble or question,</p> + <p>At once fell in with the lady’s suggestion,</p> + <p class="i2">Not thinking she’d “one more” lecture to read him.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>This time they took a course rectilinear</p> + <p>Southward, and landed in Norfolk, Virginia.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page52" title="52"> </a>Pestilence there was doing its worst,</p> + <p class="i2">Hundreds were dying, and hundreds were dead.</p> + <p>Many who should have been bravest, the first</p> + <p class="i2">Had deserted their trust, and shamelessly fled.</p> + <p>But men from the Northern cities were there,</p> + <p>Nursing the sick with the tenderest care,</p> + <p>Whose kindred had fled to less dangerous lands,</p> + <p>Leaving the dying to strangers’ hands.</p> + <div class="illo"><a class="pagenum disguise" id="page53" title="53"> </a> + <img src="images/fig054.png" width="564" height="710" alt="Charity and the Spirit look over a man sick in bed." /> + <p><a href="#page52">Page 52.</a></p> + </div> + <!-- <a class="pagenum" id="page54" title="54"> </a>[Blank Page] --> + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page55" title="55"> </a>While the two stood quiet beside the bed</p> + <p>Of a patient sufferer, Charity said:</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>“Who hath sent these strangers here,</p> + <p>These dying men to soothe and cheer?</p> + <p>To do what mortal skill may do</p> + <p>To lighten their burdens of grief and woe;</p> + <p>To shrive these dying souls of blame,</p> + <p class="i2">To bid them hope in Heaven above.</p> + <p>Who hath sent these in my dear name</p> + <p class="i2"><a class="pagenum" id="page56" title="56"> </a>To do this holiest work of love?</p> + <p>Hath the treasure here given been paid by those</p> + <p class="i2">Whose ‘wrongs’ are so earnestly plead by you?</p> + <p>Or hath it been done by their ‘natural foes,’</p> + <p class="i2">The wealthy, the rich, the opulent few</p> + <p class="i2">Of Madison Square and the Fifth Avenue?”</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page57" title="57"> </a>During this lengthy interrogation</p> + <p class="i2">The Spirit had been pretending to doze,</p> + <p class="i2">But he waked himself up at the peroration,</p> + <p>And most ungallantly turned up his nose,</p> + <p>And turned on his heel, and turned him away,—</p> + <p>Sulkily saying, he’d Nothing to Say.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Dear Readers, I’ll ask one question of you—</p> + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page58" title="58"> </a>Don’t you think it may possibly chance to be true,</p> + <p>That Charity, really, not merely in fables,</p> + <p>May apparel herself in satins and sables,</p> + <p>And costliest ribbons, and fragilest laces,</p> + <p class="i2">Like the daintiest beauties of Madison Square,</p> + <p>And may take up a home in the loftiest places,</p> + <p class="i2">With those who’ve, satirically, Nothing to Wear?</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page59" title="59"> </a>And in that blissful realm above,</p> + <p>Where the poor and the rich meet in meekness and love:</p> + <p>Where the works of each heart are unveiled to the light,</p> + <p>And Humbug and Cant yield to Truth and to Right—</p> + <p>Where the trickster lays off his mask of deceit,</p> + <p>And the cloak of the hypocrite drops to his feet,</p> + <p>And Honor is given, where Honor is due—</p> + <p>We <em>may</em> see that some from the Fifth Avenue,</p> + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page60" title="60"> </a>Most nobly will speak in that great reckoning day,</p> + <p>While their earthly detractors have <strong class="fancy">Nothing to Say</strong>.</p> + + </div> + + <p id="the-end">Finis.</p> + + <p id="transcriber-note">Transcriber’s Note: Minor punctuation errors have been repaired. + Spelling was left as found.</p> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Nothing to Say, by QK Philander Doesticks + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK NOTHING TO SAY *** + +***** This file should be named 27299-h.htm or 27299-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/7/2/9/27299/ + +Produced by Barbara Tozier and Bill Tozier + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Nothing to Say + A Slight Slap at Mobocratic Snobbery, Which Has 'Nothing + to Do' with 'Nothing to Wear' + +Author: QK Philander Doesticks + +Release Date: November 20, 2008 [EBook #27299] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK NOTHING TO SAY *** + + + + +Produced by Barbara Tozier and Bill Tozier + + + + +NOTHING TO SAY + + + + +"THE FUNNIEST WORKS IN EXISTENCE." + +DOESTICKS' BOOKS, + +New editions of which have been + +RECENTLY PUBLISHED BY + +RUDD & CARLETON, 310 BROADWAY, N. Y. + + * * * * * + +DOESTICKS, WHAT HE SAYS. + +Pp. 380. 12mo. Elegantly bound in cloth. + +Price $1 00. + +Being a compilation of the original letters from the immortal Q. K. +PHILANDER DOESTICKS, P. B. (Perfect Brick.) + +[From _N. P. Willis's Home Journal_.] + +"Things so copied, so talked of, so pulled out of every pocket to be +lent to you, so quoted, and so relished and laughed over as Doesticks' +writings, never were launched into print." + + * * * * * + +PLU-RI-BUS-TAH; + +A SONG THATS BY NO AUTHOR--A DEED WITHOUT A NAME. + +Pp. 264. 12mo. Elegantly bound in cloth. + +Price $1 00. + +As a History of the country this book is invaluable, inasmuch as it +notices a great many events not mentioned by Bancroft, Hildreth, or +Prescott. As a Novel it is unapproachable, for it contains several +characters unknown to Cooper, Dickens, Marryatt, or Bulwer. As a +Mythological Work it should be immediately secured, as it makes mention +of a number of gods and deified worthies hitherto unknown to old Jupiter +himself. As a Poem, its claims to consideration cannot be denied, as it +comprises a great many beauties not discoverable in the "Song of +Hiawatha," besides several Indian names which were therein omitted. + + * * * * * + +THE ELEPHANT CLUB. + +BY DOESTICKS AND KNIGHT RUSS OCKSIDE, M.D. + +Pp. 321. 12mo. Elegantly bound in cloth. + +Price $1 00. + +A veritable and veracious History of the Doings and Misdoings of the +members of the Elephant Club. With the minute and particular narrative +of what they did. To which is added a complex and elaborate description +of what they didn't. Containing also the exultant record of their +memorable success in eventually obtaining, each and every one, a sight +of the entire and unadulterated animal, from the primitive hair on his +attenuated proboscis, to the last kink of his symmetrical tail. + + * * * * * + +NOTHING TO SAY; + +Being a satire on Snobbery, which has + +"NOTHING TO DO" WITH "NOTHING TO WEAR." + +SUPERBLY ILLUSTRATED ON TINTED PAPER. + +Pp. 60. 12mo. Elegantly bound in cloth. + +Price 50 cents. + +These Books are all profusely embellished by Engravings from the finest +original comic designs by JOHN MCLENAN, and are books which no American +miscellaneous library should be without. + +Copies of any of these books will be sent by mail, _postage paid_, to +any part of the U. S., on receipt of the price. + + + + +[Illustration: Page 22.] + + + + +NOTHING TO SAY: + +A Slight Slap at Mobocratic Snobbery, + +WHICH HAS + +"NOTHING TO DO" with "NOTHING TO WEAR." + + +BY + + +Q. K. PHILANDER DOESTICKS, P.B. + + "My verdict for the white rose side." + 1 HENRY VII. ii. 4. + +NEW YORK: +RUDD & CARLETON, 310 BROADWAY. + +M.DCCC.LVII. + + + + +Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1857, by +RUDD & CARLTON, + +In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States for the +Southern District of New York. + +R. CRAIGHEAD, PRINTER AND STEREOTYPER, +Carton Building, +_81, 83, and 85 Centre Street_. + + + + +NOTHING TO SAY. + + * * * * * + + I, Q. K. P. DOESTICKS, of No Hall, Nowhere; + No Castle, no Villa, no Place, Court, or Terrace; + Who didn't write "Junius," or "Nothing to Wear," + Who never have visited London or Paris; + Who am not a phantom, a myth, or a mystery, + But a "homo," as solid as any of history; + As real as Antony, Caesar, or Brutus,-- + A wide-awake Yankee, so "tarnation 'cute" as + To always write Nothings, while Nothings will pay, + Am the author of this Nothing--Nothing to Say. + + * * * * * + + I mention this fact in advance, that Miss P*** + May not strive to embezzle the laurels from me. + That her Reverend friend may attend to his Litany, + And leave me my fame, if perchance I shall get any. + I deemed it best, to set at rest, + This question before it was started, lest + Some terrible girl from the far coun_tree_, + Without proper regard to veraci_tee_, + Should haste to town, to drag me down + From my envied post of poetic renown. + Miss P***, I've a favor to ask.--If 'tis true, + That "Nothing to Wear," and "Nothing to Do," + And "Nothing to Eat," were all written by you,-- + Let those three Nothings content you I pray, + Say nothing yourself; leave me "Nothing to Say." + + * * * * * + + From time immemorial, people of fashion + Have been the target of poets and penny wits, + And been lampooned without stint or compassion, + From Dan to Beersheba--from Dublin to Dennevitz; + And our now-a-day rhymsters, taking the cue, + Have aimed all their shots at the Fifth Avenue, + Till the clever author of "Nothing to Wear," + Fired his broadside at Madison Square. + Now _I_ don't consider this sort of thing personal, + _I'm_ not a bit of a dandy or fop; + But the seed it is constantly sowing, is worse than all + Others, and bears a most plentiful crop; + For it all goes to strengthen the popular fallacy + That, because a man lives in a "brown stone palace" he + Must be a miser, a rogue and a knave, + Without soul enough to condemn or to save-- + +[Illustration: Page 28.] + + That a broadcloth coat argues sin, if not felony; + If a man has the tact in the world to get well on, he + Cannot be else than a thorough-paced scamp; + That the "villanous rich" wear a cloak and a mask, all, + And the greater the riches, the greater the rascal. + That the cardinal virtues only endure, + In the atmosphere with the "virtuous poor;" + That nowhere are found the true Christian graces, + Save closely allied to the dirtiest faces. + I shall not contradict this delightful tradition, + But beg--No, I won't, I will take it--permission, + To state, that I think there's a word to be said, + From a different text, on the opposite head. + And so I'll invent, as well as I'm able, + A new home-made, allegorical fable; + And my honest purpose shall be, to see + If the scoundrel rich have not borne a part + In those noble charities, which are + The pride of this jolly old city's heart. + And if I shall find that the virtuous mob + Have ever been known one farthing to pay, + Without hoping a hundred-fold profit to make: + Where the "rich man," the "miser," "aristocrat," "snob," + Has poured out his thousands for Charity's sake, + I'll lay down my pen, and have "Nothing to Say." + + * * * * * + + I shall not describe the SPIRIT OF CANT, + Of popular humbug, and vulgar rant, + And tell how he looks in a tangible form, + And give the length of his horns and claws, + The spread of his wings, the width of his jaws, + And detail the other proportions grim, + Which belong to a powerful demon like him. + Go and look at the melodramatic stage, + When a "spectacle" piece is all the rage; + And there, in the midst of some "property" storm, + While the sheet-iron thunder is rattling its best, + And the rosin lightning, and all the rest + Of the elements are, for some tragedy-reason, + Making the "awfullest gale of the season--" + See, at the sound of the prompter's tap, + The fiend come up through the "Vampyre trap;" + Take a mental photograph then, and there, + Of that imp, with his "fixins" all complete-- + The elfish grin, the tangled hair, + The dragon wings and the scaly feet-- + And you'll have a notion of him I mean, + The demon of this, my opening scene. + I might go to Milton, and steal, bit by bit, + A description to suit my Spirit of Cant, + A second-hand suit, but a "shplendid fit," + As a Jew would assure me--but then I sha'nt. + His work is to preach the humbug which passes + For gospel among the "down-trodden masses;" + And to prate of the "wrongs and indignities," which + Are heaped on their heads by the "cold-hearted rich." + + * * * * * + + This Spirit was busy at work one day, + Amongst a crowd of Bowery boys, + When CHARITY happened to come that way; + And she stopped to listen--though, sooth to say, + She seldom is fond of clamor and noise. + + * * * * * + + "Now, pray, Mr. Author, wait just a minute, + Stop! + Drop + +[Illustration: Page 35.] + + Your subject, and don't again begin it + Till you tell us: What did Charity wear? + Was her dress of _moire antique_, or satin; + Or was it plain muslin--just like that in + Which love-lorn maidens on the stage + Go raving crazy?--and had she a page? + Did she wear hoops? and what sort of a bonnet? + And tell us, what kind of trimming was on it? + What--" Stop, stop, dear ladies, it isn't fair + To question thus closely a modest young man. + If I _could_ tell the items, I would, I declare; + For I always oblige you whenever I can. + I know that of dresses she has a variety, + Though vanity's not her predominant passion, + She was costumed, no doubt, with the greatest propriety, + In the very extreme of the reigning fashion. + Well! she stopped to listen, a minute or more, + To the fellow's mischievous harangue, before + She resolved what to do; then she stepped to the door + Of an Astor Place car, and beckoned to him, + And he followed at once, while his audience scattered; + To tell the truth, he felt quite flattered, + And he smiled a smile most heavy and grim, + For he thought he'd awakened a tender passion + In the heart of a belle, a lady of fashion. + And they sat side by side, this curious pair, + While they rode up to Eighth street--and she paid the fare. + + * * * * * + + They stepped from the car, and stood before, + The "COOPER INSTITUTE'S" new-painted door-- + + * * * * * + + "Who hath done this?" asked Charity then; + "Who hath done this for his fellow-men? + Hath builded this house, that all may come-- + The poor most welcome--to Learning's treasure, + And drink their fill without stint or measure? + Who hath so nobly used his thrift, + And bestowed on the world this priceless gift, + Free to all, whoever may come? + Was this noble work built up by the 'masses,' + Or by one of the 'miserly, upper classes'?" + + * * * * * + + To the Spirit, this speech was quite unexpected, + And he stood in a sort of stupid dismay; + And before his few scattered thoughts were collected, + She rightly concluded--he'd Nothing to Say. + Then she lifted her skirts with a masterly hand, + And out of the puddles and ruts kept them well up,-- + Thus showed that she had the most perfect command + Of the crinoline mysteries of her envelope, + 'Twas done with the daintiest grace all the while, + And discovered the daintiest possible gaiter,-- + Then she turned to her friend with a nod and a smile, + And told him to follow--he straightway obeyed her. + As they hurried along, she kept ever before him, + And he kept his eye on the tempting prunella, + Secretly hoping there'd come such a shower + As would make a new Flood in half-an-hour-- + That she, with a womanly care for her bonnet, + Which would "spot," with the least drop of water upon it, + +[Illustration: Page 39.] + + Might become condescending, and humbly implore him + To come along-side with his cotton umbrella. + But the shower didn't come, and without a disaster, + They reached the huge Library--christened of Astor. + Then she shook down her skirts to their natural latitude-- + Ahem'd once or twice--struck _out_ a nice attitude-- + And then she struck _into_ this little oration, + Though I'm sure _I_ don't know where she learned declamation. + + * * * * * + + "Spirit, behold! these bending shelves + Are groaning 'neath the gathered store + Of every nation's varied lore. + Most welcome are the poor themselves + To freely turn these countless pages, + And gather from the words of sages + All the light of former ages. + Whoever wills is here a guest, + The _poorest_ are the welcomest. + Who hath done this? your virtuous mob, + Or a 'cold-hearted miser,' a 'pampered snob?'" + + * * * * * + + Here her Companion began to perceive + That her feminine tongue would have its own way; + That the cleverest thing _he_ could do was to leave + The talking to her, and have Nothing to Say. + The lady had now been chattering so long, + She felt that her voice was beginning to fail her; + A punch would, she felt, be a blessing and boon, + The "dientical" thing with which to regale her, + So they pushed their way through the gathering throng, + And hurried away to Taylor's Saloon. + + * * * * * + + They seated themselves at the table together,-- + The customers "staring their eyes out," to see + Who this queer-looking couple could possibly be,-- + Asking each other in whispers, whether, + It wasn't the likeliest thing that she, + Was a Western Actress, and he an Editor; + And some were terribly frightened, because + They couldn't help thinking there certainly was, + The Old Nick to pay, and that he was their creditor. + + * * * * * + + But the strangers composedly sat, never heeding + These stupid remarks, or taking offence, + And they quietly kept on their drinking and feeding, + Without the slightest regard to expense. + If an appetite sharp is a thing so delightful, + Charity had no occasion to sigh at hers; + Boarding-house keepers would say it was frightful, + And ruinous too, to the hotel proprietors. + + * * * * * + + They were sated at last, and turned from the door; + He, wondering whither she now would go-- + And well he might--in an instant more + He was over shoes in the frozen snow; + While she coolly remarked, with a Camille cough, + That the North Pole was only a half a mile off. + + * * * * * + + How it was they got to their present location, + I'm sure I don't know, and it's not my vocation + To give the details of their quick locomotion. + Electricity may have done it, or steam; + +[Illustration: Page 46.] + + But motive powers are not my theme. + My heroes were there, near the frozen ocean. + + * * * * * + + The man had too much of "cold without," + And the lady sighed for her tippet and muff; + For though they had come by a summary route, + The weather, they found, was wintry enough. + When they climbed an iceberg's loftiest height, + To the imminent danger of dresses and hoops, + Of ribbons and pins, and laces and loops, + The GRINNELL EXPEDITION was in sight. + + * * * * * + + Now the lady had been prepared to preach, + Or rather, to make a nice serious speech; + But it might as well have been written in Dutch for her, + For the wind and the weather, conspiring together, + Turned out to be, altogether too much for her; + One half she forgot, and she bungled the rest of it, + Though I finally managed to pick out the best of it. + She asked her companion, who stood in the lee of her, + For the wind spread her skirts to the bigness of three of her, + "Who sent these ships to the rescue of those, + Who have perilled their lives in these Northern snows? + Did he spring from the mob, the benevolent 'masses,' + Or from the detestable 'upper classes'?" + With a great deal more to the same effect, + Which I couldn't exactly make out the sense of, + For I know that her sentences "failed to connect;" + And I suppose that her chattering teeth bit the ends off; + But 'twas very conclusive, whatever she said. + He never disputed her; never said nay, + But only hung down his discomfited head; + And whatever he thought, he had Nothing to Say. + + * * * * * + + Chilled to the heart with the terrible cold, + Both to get back were most truly-solicitous, + Never before was the saying old, + "As cold as charity," half so felicitous. + + * * * * * + + They hastened back to Broadway, when she said, + That one more journey that night she'd lead him, + Before she'd let him go home to bed. + And he, not caring to quibble or question, + At once fell in with the lady's suggestion, + Not thinking she'd "one more" lecture to read him. + + * * * * * + + This time they took a course rectilinear + Southward, and landed in Norfolk, Virginia. + + * * * * * + + Pestilence there was doing its worst, + Hundreds were dying, and hundreds were dead. + Many who should have been bravest, the first + Had deserted their trust, and shamelessly fled. + But men from the Northern cities were there, + Nursing the sick with the tenderest care, + Whose kindred had fled to less dangerous lands, + Leaving the dying to strangers' hands. + +[Illustration: Page 52.] + + While the two stood quiet beside the bed + Of a patient sufferer, Charity said: + + * * * * * + + "Who hath sent these strangers here, + These dying men to soothe and cheer? + To do what mortal skill may do + To lighten their burdens of grief and woe; + To shrive these dying souls of blame, + To bid them hope in Heaven above. + Who hath sent these in my dear name + To do this holiest work of love? + Hath the treasure here given been paid by those + Whose 'wrongs' are so earnestly plead by you? + Or hath it been done by their 'natural foes,' + The wealthy, the rich, the opulent few + Of Madison Square and the Fifth Avenue?" + + * * * * * + + During this lengthy interrogation + The Spirit had been pretending to doze, + But he waked himself up at the peroration, + And most ungallantly turned up his nose, + And turned on his heel, and turned him away,-- + Sulkily saying, he'd Nothing to Say. + + * * * * * + + Dear Readers, I'll ask one question of you-- + Don't you think it may possibly chance to be true, + That Charity, really, not merely in fables, + May apparel herself in satins and sables, + And costliest ribbons, and fragilest laces, + Like the daintiest beauties of Madison Square, + And may take up a home in the loftiest places, + With those who've, satirically, Nothing to Wear? + + * * * * * + + And in that blissful realm above, + Where the poor and the rich meet in meekness and love: + Where the works of each heart are unveiled to the light, + And Humbug and Cant yield to Truth and to Right-- + Where the trickster lays off his mask of deceit, + And the cloak of the hypocrite drops to his feet, + And Honor is given, where Honor is due-- + We _may_ see that some from the Fifth Avenue, + Most nobly will speak in that great reckoning day, + While their earthly detractors have NOTHING TO SAY. + + + +FINIS. + + + + Transcriber's Note: Minor punctuation errors have been repaired. + Spelling was left as found. + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Nothing to Say, by QK Philander Doesticks + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK NOTHING TO SAY *** + +***** This file should be named 27299.txt or 27299.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/7/2/9/27299/ + +Produced by Barbara Tozier and Bill Tozier + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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