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diff --git a/27299.txt b/27299.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f353fa9 --- /dev/null +++ b/27299.txt @@ -0,0 +1,940 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Nothing to Say, by QK Philander Doesticks + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Nothing to Say + A Slight Slap at Mobocratic Snobbery, Which Has 'Nothing + to Do' with 'Nothing to Wear' + +Author: QK Philander Doesticks + +Release Date: November 20, 2008 [EBook #27299] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK NOTHING TO SAY *** + + + + +Produced by Barbara Tozier and Bill Tozier + + + + +NOTHING TO SAY + + + + +"THE FUNNIEST WORKS IN EXISTENCE." + +DOESTICKS' BOOKS, + +New editions of which have been + +RECENTLY PUBLISHED BY + +RUDD & CARLETON, 310 BROADWAY, N. Y. + + * * * * * + +DOESTICKS, WHAT HE SAYS. + +Pp. 380. 12mo. Elegantly bound in cloth. + +Price $1 00. + +Being a compilation of the original letters from the immortal Q. K. +PHILANDER DOESTICKS, P. B. (Perfect Brick.) + +[From _N. P. Willis's Home Journal_.] + +"Things so copied, so talked of, so pulled out of every pocket to be +lent to you, so quoted, and so relished and laughed over as Doesticks' +writings, never were launched into print." + + * * * * * + +PLU-RI-BUS-TAH; + +A SONG THATS BY NO AUTHOR--A DEED WITHOUT A NAME. + +Pp. 264. 12mo. Elegantly bound in cloth. + +Price $1 00. + +As a History of the country this book is invaluable, inasmuch as it +notices a great many events not mentioned by Bancroft, Hildreth, or +Prescott. As a Novel it is unapproachable, for it contains several +characters unknown to Cooper, Dickens, Marryatt, or Bulwer. As a +Mythological Work it should be immediately secured, as it makes mention +of a number of gods and deified worthies hitherto unknown to old Jupiter +himself. As a Poem, its claims to consideration cannot be denied, as it +comprises a great many beauties not discoverable in the "Song of +Hiawatha," besides several Indian names which were therein omitted. + + * * * * * + +THE ELEPHANT CLUB. + +BY DOESTICKS AND KNIGHT RUSS OCKSIDE, M.D. + +Pp. 321. 12mo. Elegantly bound in cloth. + +Price $1 00. + +A veritable and veracious History of the Doings and Misdoings of the +members of the Elephant Club. With the minute and particular narrative +of what they did. To which is added a complex and elaborate description +of what they didn't. Containing also the exultant record of their +memorable success in eventually obtaining, each and every one, a sight +of the entire and unadulterated animal, from the primitive hair on his +attenuated proboscis, to the last kink of his symmetrical tail. + + * * * * * + +NOTHING TO SAY; + +Being a satire on Snobbery, which has + +"NOTHING TO DO" WITH "NOTHING TO WEAR." + +SUPERBLY ILLUSTRATED ON TINTED PAPER. + +Pp. 60. 12mo. Elegantly bound in cloth. + +Price 50 cents. + +These Books are all profusely embellished by Engravings from the finest +original comic designs by JOHN MCLENAN, and are books which no American +miscellaneous library should be without. + +Copies of any of these books will be sent by mail, _postage paid_, to +any part of the U. S., on receipt of the price. + + + + +[Illustration: Page 22.] + + + + +NOTHING TO SAY: + +A Slight Slap at Mobocratic Snobbery, + +WHICH HAS + +"NOTHING TO DO" with "NOTHING TO WEAR." + + +BY + + +Q. K. PHILANDER DOESTICKS, P.B. + + "My verdict for the white rose side." + 1 HENRY VII. ii. 4. + +NEW YORK: +RUDD & CARLETON, 310 BROADWAY. + +M.DCCC.LVII. + + + + +Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1857, by +RUDD & CARLTON, + +In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States for the +Southern District of New York. + +R. CRAIGHEAD, PRINTER AND STEREOTYPER, +Carton Building, +_81, 83, and 85 Centre Street_. + + + + +NOTHING TO SAY. + + * * * * * + + I, Q. K. P. DOESTICKS, of No Hall, Nowhere; + No Castle, no Villa, no Place, Court, or Terrace; + Who didn't write "Junius," or "Nothing to Wear," + Who never have visited London or Paris; + Who am not a phantom, a myth, or a mystery, + But a "homo," as solid as any of history; + As real as Antony, Caesar, or Brutus,-- + A wide-awake Yankee, so "tarnation 'cute" as + To always write Nothings, while Nothings will pay, + Am the author of this Nothing--Nothing to Say. + + * * * * * + + I mention this fact in advance, that Miss P*** + May not strive to embezzle the laurels from me. + That her Reverend friend may attend to his Litany, + And leave me my fame, if perchance I shall get any. + I deemed it best, to set at rest, + This question before it was started, lest + Some terrible girl from the far coun_tree_, + Without proper regard to veraci_tee_, + Should haste to town, to drag me down + From my envied post of poetic renown. + Miss P***, I've a favor to ask.--If 'tis true, + That "Nothing to Wear," and "Nothing to Do," + And "Nothing to Eat," were all written by you,-- + Let those three Nothings content you I pray, + Say nothing yourself; leave me "Nothing to Say." + + * * * * * + + From time immemorial, people of fashion + Have been the target of poets and penny wits, + And been lampooned without stint or compassion, + From Dan to Beersheba--from Dublin to Dennevitz; + And our now-a-day rhymsters, taking the cue, + Have aimed all their shots at the Fifth Avenue, + Till the clever author of "Nothing to Wear," + Fired his broadside at Madison Square. + Now _I_ don't consider this sort of thing personal, + _I'm_ not a bit of a dandy or fop; + But the seed it is constantly sowing, is worse than all + Others, and bears a most plentiful crop; + For it all goes to strengthen the popular fallacy + That, because a man lives in a "brown stone palace" he + Must be a miser, a rogue and a knave, + Without soul enough to condemn or to save-- + +[Illustration: Page 28.] + + That a broadcloth coat argues sin, if not felony; + If a man has the tact in the world to get well on, he + Cannot be else than a thorough-paced scamp; + That the "villanous rich" wear a cloak and a mask, all, + And the greater the riches, the greater the rascal. + That the cardinal virtues only endure, + In the atmosphere with the "virtuous poor;" + That nowhere are found the true Christian graces, + Save closely allied to the dirtiest faces. + I shall not contradict this delightful tradition, + But beg--No, I won't, I will take it--permission, + To state, that I think there's a word to be said, + From a different text, on the opposite head. + And so I'll invent, as well as I'm able, + A new home-made, allegorical fable; + And my honest purpose shall be, to see + If the scoundrel rich have not borne a part + In those noble charities, which are + The pride of this jolly old city's heart. + And if I shall find that the virtuous mob + Have ever been known one farthing to pay, + Without hoping a hundred-fold profit to make: + Where the "rich man," the "miser," "aristocrat," "snob," + Has poured out his thousands for Charity's sake, + I'll lay down my pen, and have "Nothing to Say." + + * * * * * + + I shall not describe the SPIRIT OF CANT, + Of popular humbug, and vulgar rant, + And tell how he looks in a tangible form, + And give the length of his horns and claws, + The spread of his wings, the width of his jaws, + And detail the other proportions grim, + Which belong to a powerful demon like him. + Go and look at the melodramatic stage, + When a "spectacle" piece is all the rage; + And there, in the midst of some "property" storm, + While the sheet-iron thunder is rattling its best, + And the rosin lightning, and all the rest + Of the elements are, for some tragedy-reason, + Making the "awfullest gale of the season--" + See, at the sound of the prompter's tap, + The fiend come up through the "Vampyre trap;" + Take a mental photograph then, and there, + Of that imp, with his "fixins" all complete-- + The elfish grin, the tangled hair, + The dragon wings and the scaly feet-- + And you'll have a notion of him I mean, + The demon of this, my opening scene. + I might go to Milton, and steal, bit by bit, + A description to suit my Spirit of Cant, + A second-hand suit, but a "shplendid fit," + As a Jew would assure me--but then I sha'nt. + His work is to preach the humbug which passes + For gospel among the "down-trodden masses;" + And to prate of the "wrongs and indignities," which + Are heaped on their heads by the "cold-hearted rich." + + * * * * * + + This Spirit was busy at work one day, + Amongst a crowd of Bowery boys, + When CHARITY happened to come that way; + And she stopped to listen--though, sooth to say, + She seldom is fond of clamor and noise. + + * * * * * + + "Now, pray, Mr. Author, wait just a minute, + Stop! + Drop + +[Illustration: Page 35.] + + Your subject, and don't again begin it + Till you tell us: What did Charity wear? + Was her dress of _moire antique_, or satin; + Or was it plain muslin--just like that in + Which love-lorn maidens on the stage + Go raving crazy?--and had she a page? + Did she wear hoops? and what sort of a bonnet? + And tell us, what kind of trimming was on it? + What--" Stop, stop, dear ladies, it isn't fair + To question thus closely a modest young man. + If I _could_ tell the items, I would, I declare; + For I always oblige you whenever I can. + I know that of dresses she has a variety, + Though vanity's not her predominant passion, + She was costumed, no doubt, with the greatest propriety, + In the very extreme of the reigning fashion. + Well! she stopped to listen, a minute or more, + To the fellow's mischievous harangue, before + She resolved what to do; then she stepped to the door + Of an Astor Place car, and beckoned to him, + And he followed at once, while his audience scattered; + To tell the truth, he felt quite flattered, + And he smiled a smile most heavy and grim, + For he thought he'd awakened a tender passion + In the heart of a belle, a lady of fashion. + And they sat side by side, this curious pair, + While they rode up to Eighth street--and she paid the fare. + + * * * * * + + They stepped from the car, and stood before, + The "COOPER INSTITUTE'S" new-painted door-- + + * * * * * + + "Who hath done this?" asked Charity then; + "Who hath done this for his fellow-men? + Hath builded this house, that all may come-- + The poor most welcome--to Learning's treasure, + And drink their fill without stint or measure? + Who hath so nobly used his thrift, + And bestowed on the world this priceless gift, + Free to all, whoever may come? + Was this noble work built up by the 'masses,' + Or by one of the 'miserly, upper classes'?" + + * * * * * + + To the Spirit, this speech was quite unexpected, + And he stood in a sort of stupid dismay; + And before his few scattered thoughts were collected, + She rightly concluded--he'd Nothing to Say. + Then she lifted her skirts with a masterly hand, + And out of the puddles and ruts kept them well up,-- + Thus showed that she had the most perfect command + Of the crinoline mysteries of her envelope, + 'Twas done with the daintiest grace all the while, + And discovered the daintiest possible gaiter,-- + Then she turned to her friend with a nod and a smile, + And told him to follow--he straightway obeyed her. + As they hurried along, she kept ever before him, + And he kept his eye on the tempting prunella, + Secretly hoping there'd come such a shower + As would make a new Flood in half-an-hour-- + That she, with a womanly care for her bonnet, + Which would "spot," with the least drop of water upon it, + +[Illustration: Page 39.] + + Might become condescending, and humbly implore him + To come along-side with his cotton umbrella. + But the shower didn't come, and without a disaster, + They reached the huge Library--christened of Astor. + Then she shook down her skirts to their natural latitude-- + Ahem'd once or twice--struck _out_ a nice attitude-- + And then she struck _into_ this little oration, + Though I'm sure _I_ don't know where she learned declamation. + + * * * * * + + "Spirit, behold! these bending shelves + Are groaning 'neath the gathered store + Of every nation's varied lore. + Most welcome are the poor themselves + To freely turn these countless pages, + And gather from the words of sages + All the light of former ages. + Whoever wills is here a guest, + The _poorest_ are the welcomest. + Who hath done this? your virtuous mob, + Or a 'cold-hearted miser,' a 'pampered snob?'" + + * * * * * + + Here her Companion began to perceive + That her feminine tongue would have its own way; + That the cleverest thing _he_ could do was to leave + The talking to her, and have Nothing to Say. + The lady had now been chattering so long, + She felt that her voice was beginning to fail her; + A punch would, she felt, be a blessing and boon, + The "dientical" thing with which to regale her, + So they pushed their way through the gathering throng, + And hurried away to Taylor's Saloon. + + * * * * * + + They seated themselves at the table together,-- + The customers "staring their eyes out," to see + Who this queer-looking couple could possibly be,-- + Asking each other in whispers, whether, + It wasn't the likeliest thing that she, + Was a Western Actress, and he an Editor; + And some were terribly frightened, because + They couldn't help thinking there certainly was, + The Old Nick to pay, and that he was their creditor. + + * * * * * + + But the strangers composedly sat, never heeding + These stupid remarks, or taking offence, + And they quietly kept on their drinking and feeding, + Without the slightest regard to expense. + If an appetite sharp is a thing so delightful, + Charity had no occasion to sigh at hers; + Boarding-house keepers would say it was frightful, + And ruinous too, to the hotel proprietors. + + * * * * * + + They were sated at last, and turned from the door; + He, wondering whither she now would go-- + And well he might--in an instant more + He was over shoes in the frozen snow; + While she coolly remarked, with a Camille cough, + That the North Pole was only a half a mile off. + + * * * * * + + How it was they got to their present location, + I'm sure I don't know, and it's not my vocation + To give the details of their quick locomotion. + Electricity may have done it, or steam; + +[Illustration: Page 46.] + + But motive powers are not my theme. + My heroes were there, near the frozen ocean. + + * * * * * + + The man had too much of "cold without," + And the lady sighed for her tippet and muff; + For though they had come by a summary route, + The weather, they found, was wintry enough. + When they climbed an iceberg's loftiest height, + To the imminent danger of dresses and hoops, + Of ribbons and pins, and laces and loops, + The GRINNELL EXPEDITION was in sight. + + * * * * * + + Now the lady had been prepared to preach, + Or rather, to make a nice serious speech; + But it might as well have been written in Dutch for her, + For the wind and the weather, conspiring together, + Turned out to be, altogether too much for her; + One half she forgot, and she bungled the rest of it, + Though I finally managed to pick out the best of it. + She asked her companion, who stood in the lee of her, + For the wind spread her skirts to the bigness of three of her, + "Who sent these ships to the rescue of those, + Who have perilled their lives in these Northern snows? + Did he spring from the mob, the benevolent 'masses,' + Or from the detestable 'upper classes'?" + With a great deal more to the same effect, + Which I couldn't exactly make out the sense of, + For I know that her sentences "failed to connect;" + And I suppose that her chattering teeth bit the ends off; + But 'twas very conclusive, whatever she said. + He never disputed her; never said nay, + But only hung down his discomfited head; + And whatever he thought, he had Nothing to Say. + + * * * * * + + Chilled to the heart with the terrible cold, + Both to get back were most truly-solicitous, + Never before was the saying old, + "As cold as charity," half so felicitous. + + * * * * * + + They hastened back to Broadway, when she said, + That one more journey that night she'd lead him, + Before she'd let him go home to bed. + And he, not caring to quibble or question, + At once fell in with the lady's suggestion, + Not thinking she'd "one more" lecture to read him. + + * * * * * + + This time they took a course rectilinear + Southward, and landed in Norfolk, Virginia. + + * * * * * + + Pestilence there was doing its worst, + Hundreds were dying, and hundreds were dead. + Many who should have been bravest, the first + Had deserted their trust, and shamelessly fled. + But men from the Northern cities were there, + Nursing the sick with the tenderest care, + Whose kindred had fled to less dangerous lands, + Leaving the dying to strangers' hands. + +[Illustration: Page 52.] + + While the two stood quiet beside the bed + Of a patient sufferer, Charity said: + + * * * * * + + "Who hath sent these strangers here, + These dying men to soothe and cheer? + To do what mortal skill may do + To lighten their burdens of grief and woe; + To shrive these dying souls of blame, + To bid them hope in Heaven above. + Who hath sent these in my dear name + To do this holiest work of love? + Hath the treasure here given been paid by those + Whose 'wrongs' are so earnestly plead by you? + Or hath it been done by their 'natural foes,' + The wealthy, the rich, the opulent few + Of Madison Square and the Fifth Avenue?" + + * * * * * + + During this lengthy interrogation + The Spirit had been pretending to doze, + But he waked himself up at the peroration, + And most ungallantly turned up his nose, + And turned on his heel, and turned him away,-- + Sulkily saying, he'd Nothing to Say. + + * * * * * + + Dear Readers, I'll ask one question of you-- + Don't you think it may possibly chance to be true, + That Charity, really, not merely in fables, + May apparel herself in satins and sables, + And costliest ribbons, and fragilest laces, + Like the daintiest beauties of Madison Square, + And may take up a home in the loftiest places, + With those who've, satirically, Nothing to Wear? + + * * * * * + + And in that blissful realm above, + Where the poor and the rich meet in meekness and love: + Where the works of each heart are unveiled to the light, + And Humbug and Cant yield to Truth and to Right-- + Where the trickster lays off his mask of deceit, + And the cloak of the hypocrite drops to his feet, + And Honor is given, where Honor is due-- + We _may_ see that some from the Fifth Avenue, + Most nobly will speak in that great reckoning day, + While their earthly detractors have NOTHING TO SAY. + + + +FINIS. + + + + Transcriber's Note: Minor punctuation errors have been repaired. + Spelling was left as found. + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Nothing to Say, by QK Philander Doesticks + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK NOTHING TO SAY *** + +***** This file should be named 27299.txt or 27299.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/7/2/9/27299/ + +Produced by Barbara Tozier and Bill Tozier + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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