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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/27055-8.txt b/27055-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..cb88b42 --- /dev/null +++ b/27055-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2272 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 147, +September 2nd, 1914, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 147, September 2nd, 1914 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: October 26, 2008 [EBook #27055] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + + PUNCH, + + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + + VOLUME 147. + + SEPTEMBER 2, 1914. + + * * * * * + +CHARIVARIA. + +Reports still continue to come in as to the outbursts of rage which took +place in Germany when the news of our participation in the War reached +that country. Seeing that we had merely been asked to allow our friends +to be robbed and murdered, our interference is looked upon as peculiarly +gratuitous. + + *** + +We hear, by the way, that the Germans, who hold Kiao-chau on a long +lease, appealed unsuccessfully to Leaseholders Protection Societies all +over the world to intervene in defence of their interests. + + *** + +We understand that a new version of the KAISER'S famous "Yellow Peril" +cartoon (it bore the inscription, "Nations of Europe, protect your +property!") is in preparation at Tokio, in which a jaundiced KAISER is +delineated as the Yellow Peril. + + *** + +Those persons who complain that the Allies are too frequently on the +defensive forget that it is very difficult to be as offensive as the +Germans. + + *** + +The report that among the troops which entered Brussels was a bear +dressed up in infamous taste to represent the King of the BELGIANS is +denied in Germany. It is quite possible that he was merely one of the +Prussian officers. + + *** + +The _Giornale d'Italia_ reports that, at a meeting of cardinals held at +Rome, it was decided to issue an appeal to the belligerents to agree to +a truce pending the election of a new Pope. It is thought, however, that +the KAISER will refuse even such a reasonable request as this. + + *** + +It is rumoured that WILHELM II. has despatched all his British uniforms +to KING GEORGE. This, anyhow, should be remembered to his credit. He did +not wish to disgrace them. + + *** + +The temptation to call the KAISER names is, of course, almost +irresistible, but we are rather surprised to come across the following +head-lines in our serious contemporary, _The Observer_:-- + +"Brussels--and After. The German Sweep." + + *** + +There would seem to be no end to the social horrors of the War. The +Teuton journal _Manufakturist_ is now prophesying that one of its +results will be the substitution of German for French fashions. + + *** + +The title of "The King of Prussia," one of the oldest licensed houses at +Barnet, is to be altered. Every effort, we understand, is being made in +Germany to keep the news from the KAISER. + + *** + +People must not come down too heavily on KEIR HARDIE. We honestly +believe that he honestly believes that his little views are right. +That's what makes his case so sad. + + *** + +The Dominican Revolution, it is announced, has ended. It is supposed to +have been unable to stand the competition of the bigger war. + + *** + +There appears to be considerable difference of opinion as to whether +those persons who are in want of a holiday should take it as usual or +not. The "Take your Change" movement may be quite right for women and +children; but the "Leave your Change" movement is better still. + + *** + +According to _The Evening News_ three elephants have been requisitioned +from the Zoo at the White City by the military authorities. In Berlin, +no doubt, this will be taken to signify that our heavy cavalry mounts +are giving out. + + *** + +The Committee of the Masters of the Foxhounds Association have decided +that, while regular hunting will be impossible, they consider it would +be most prejudicial to the country in general if it were allowed to +lapse altogether. In this, we understand, the Committee and the foxes do +not see eye to eye, the latter taking the view that hunting men ought +now to devote their entire attention to more important matters. + + *** + +"GERMANS DRIVEN BACK FROM ANTWERP" read an indignant old lady. "Driven, +indeed!" she exclaimed; "I'd have made them walk!" + + *** + +The statement issued to the Press by Messrs. SUTTON AND SONS to the +effect that large supplies of bulbs from Holland are now being delivered +at Reading in as good a condition as ever has, we hear, had a distinctly +steadying effect on the country at large. + + *** + +From Hoylake comes the news that certain persons who live in a street +there called Prussia Road have petitioned the Urban District Council for +a change of name--and it is rumoured that the Council, with a view to +saving the ratepayers' pockets, have hit upon the ingenious idea of +obliterating the first letter only of the present name--thereby also +paying a well-deserved compliment to a distinguished ally. + + *** + +A clerk who left a month ago for a week in lovely Lucerne and has only +just been able to get back found his employer (a merchant with a strain +of German blood in his veins) quite angry. "I have half a mind to +dismiss you for exceeding your leave," he said. "However, you are useful +to me. Only please understand that you have now had your holiday for the +next three years as well." + + * * * * * + +Illustration: "Special constables who can speak German are +particularly required."--_Daily paper._ + +_Special Constable_ (_having cornered his man_). "SPRECHEN SIE DEUTSCH?" +_Suspect._ "NEIN! NEIN!" + + * * * * * + + "A sow has given birth to a freak of nature. The animal's face is + almost human in appearance, it has neither eyes nor nostrils, but a + nose like a fish." + + _Sheffield Daily Telegraph._ + +This is like none of our friends. + + * * * * * + +THE AVENGERS. + +(_To our Soldiers in the field._) + + Not only that your cause is just and right-- + This much was never doubted; war or play, + We go with clean hands into any fight; + That is our English way;-- + + Not this high thought alone shall brace your thews + To trample under heel those Vandal hordes + Who laugh when blood of mother and babe imbrues + Their damnéd craven swords. + + But here must be hot passion, white of flame, + Pure hate of this unutterable wrong, + Sheer wrath for Christendom so sunk in shame, + To make you trebly strong. + + These smoking hearths of fair and peaceful lands, + This reeking trail of deeds abhorred of Hell, + They cry aloud for vengeance at your hands, + Ruthless and swift and fell. + + Strike, then--and spare not--for the innocent dead + Who lie there, stark beneath the weeping skies, + As though you saw your dearest in their stead + Butchered before your eyes. + + And though the guiltless pay for others guilt + Who preached these brute ideals in camp and Court; + Though lives of brave and gentle foes be spilt, + That loathe this coward sport; + + On each, without distinction, worst or best, + Fouled by a nation's crime, one doom must fall; + Be you its instrument, and leave the rest + To GOD, the Judge of all + + Let it be said of you, when sounds at length + Over the final field the victor's strain:-- + "They struck at infamy with all their strength, + And earth is clean again!" + + O. S. + + * * * * * + +HOW GERMANY CAME OFF. + +(_Extracts from a diary kept at intervals by a very special +correspondent in the Dardanelles._) + +_GOEBEN_ arrives Dardanelles. Announcement of sale to Turkey and of +disembarcation of German crew. + +_Goeben_ still in Dardanelles. Having been disposed of to Turkey, the +ship again disembarced her crew. + +_Goeben_ continuing in Dardanelles, the disembarcation of German crew, +which was completed three days ago and again yesterday, began again +to-day and was carried out successfully. + +The _Goeben_ still being at anchor in the Dardanelles, it was decided to +carry out a disembarcation of her German crew on a scale surpassing all +previous efforts. + +The _Goeben_ continues in the Dardanelles. Owing to the remarkable +expertness which her crew has acquired, it was possible to carry out +three disembarcations this afternoon. The officer commanding, indeed, +proposes shortly to issue a challenge to ships of all nationalities for +the Open Disembarcation Championship of the World. + +The _Goeben_ remains in the Dardanelles. In response to a pressing +request from great masses of the Turkish population, who have been +unable before to witness the ceremony, it has been decided again to +disembark the German crew, and, beginning to-morrow at 10 A.M., the +impressive spectacle will be gone through at regular intervals of an +hour throughout the day. All the railway companies have announced cheap +excursions, and there can be no doubt that these disembarcations will +easily surpass all earlier ones. + +The German crew of the _Goeben_ are agitating for an eight-hour day. + +Instructions having reached the crew of the _Goeben_ to return to +Germany, a magnificent Farewell Disembarcation took place last night. At +its conclusion sympathisers presented an illuminated address bearing the +following inscription "To the crew of the _Goeben_ on the occasion of +their final disembarcation before leaving for the Fatherland." + +_Later._--Arrival of the crew of the _Goeben_ at Kiel. Great popular +enthusiasm. KAISER orders a Special Disembarcation to take place before +entire Fleet, a duplicate cruiser (in the regretable absence of the +_Goeben_) being lent for the purpose. + + * * * * * + +THE TRUCE. + +PEACE reigns in the club-house on the links. The young men have nearly +all gone, and Morris, our veteran "plus two" member, who generally only +condescends to go round with the pro. and one or two choice players, is +eager for a match with anyone. Only you must play for five shillings for +his wife's branch of the Red Cross Society. + +In the smoke-room over our pipes--cigars are considered wasteful and bad +form--the old conversational warriors look at one another. I glance +across at Sellars, a member of that loathsome, I should say highly +admirable, institution, the National Liberal Club. It is not six weeks +since I denounced him as a pestilent traitor because he demanded, for +some reason, that escapes me, the blockade of a city called Belfast. +And, if I remember, he alluded to me as a traitorous tamperer with the +Army. But now I praise the admirable patriotism of JOHN REDMOND; I +eulogise the financial genius of LLOYD GEORGE; I grow fervid as I +rhapsodise about WINSTON. + +Then Sellars interposes, "My dear fellow, why do you forget the splendid +abnegation of Sir EDWARD CARSON? As for LLOYD GEORGE he may have done +well, but hasn't he AUSTEN at his elbow all the time? Talk about WINSTON +if you like, but, after all, he has only muzzled the German fleet. F. E. +SMITH has done a far more wonderful thing. He has muzzled the British +Press." + +Peace! It is wonderful. Only at the back of my mind there is one sad +thought which I strive to put away from me. Suppose a General Election +comes whilst the war is still on. I, as a patriot, shall have to vote +for the splendid Government. It will be Sellars' duty and joy to support +our splendid Opposition. And, if we all act in the same way, we shall +have those wretched--what funny slips one's pen makes!--those adorable +Radicals back in power for another five years. + +But when the war is over and we see a free Europe I promise myself one +reward. The night when peace is proclaimed I shall seek out Sellars and +tell him just what I think about LLOYD GEORGE; and I haven't the +slightest doubt that he will celebrate the occasion by some venomous +abuse of BONAR LAW. + +You see at present we are handicapped; we are just Englishmen. + + * * * * * + +Another Impending Apology. + + "The first editor of GOLFING was Mr. Thomas Marlowe, who is now + editor of the _Daily Mail_. On the other hand, there have been + several editors of GOLFING who have since risen to positions of + distinction."--_Golfing._ + + * * * * * + +Illustration: TO ARMS! RECRUITING-SERGEANT PUNCH. "NOW, MY LADS, YOUR +COUNTRY WANTS YOU. WHO'S FOR THE FRONT?" + + * * * * * + +Illustration: UNDER MARTIAL LAW. + +"NOW MIND, MARY, IF A SENTRY ASKS YOU WHO YOU ARE, YOU MUST IMMEDIATELY +ANSWER, 'FRIEND.'" + +"YES, 'M, BUT WHAT AM I TO SAY IF HE ASKS ME HOW BABY IS?" + + * * * * * + +THE ATTACK ON GERMAN TRADE. + +Those mistaken persons who maintain that "music has no frontiers" have +been sharply rebuked by the patriotic action of the management of +certain concerts, who boldly opened the season by expelling all German +music from their programmes. It is all very well to say that this is +confounding the Germany that we honour and admire with the Germany of +the other sort, of which we have had more than enough. The step has been +taken on the highest patriotic grounds, and although the ban has been +partially removed since the season began, it is clearly indicated that +this conciliatory attitude will only last so long as the main German +fleet continues to skulk behind the defences of Kiel. If there is any +aggressive movement, then let it be understood that TSCHAIKOWSKI'S +_Pathètique_ Symphony will be worn threadbare by nightly repetition +sooner than that we should have any truck with BRAHMS, WAGNER or BACH. + +Already the occupation of Brussels has caused the scratching (at the +very last moment) of the SCHUMANN concerto. + +Of course there is more in it than meets the eye. If all German music is +eliminated there are bound to be prodigious gaps which must be filled up +somehow. Very well. The result can only be a new state of activity in +the home composing industry. This is no time for giving away secrets, +but perhaps we may be allowed to say that the continued attendance last +week of Sir HENRY WOOD at the offices of the Board of Trade can only +mean that he too is taking his part in a comprehensive and +well-considered plan for making war on German industries. Now is the +time for the native producer to get to work. Germany must once and for +all be ousted from this market. There need be no difficulty in obtaining +samples, and we look to British industry and enterprise to do the rest. + +We are not sure that neutrals should be allowed into this thing. An +exception might be made in the case of Italy, but, apart from her, we +should limit the exotic features in our programmes to the works of our +allies in the field. It might give a needed fillip to the national music +of Japan. + + * * * * * + +How it strikes our Contemporaries. + + "Yesterday's eclipse of the sun was itself eclipsed by the world + shadow. Shortly after noon a large inky blot obscured nearly + three-quarters of the sun's surface and a violet haze hung over + London, but very few people were heeding the phenomenon in the sky. + The hawkers, even, were too busy selling patriotic favours to offer + smoked glasses."--_Daily Mail._ + + "Londoners did not permit the war to eclipse the eclipse. The + hawkers' cry, 'Smoked glass a penny,' was heard everywhere, and + there was a ready sale for the pieces of glass which enabled one to + view the darkening of the sun." _Daily Mirror._ + +The allies should come to a better agreement than this. + + * * * * * + +"Spies Output Down Again," says a contemporary, and we were just going +to congratulate the authorities when we discovered that it referred to a +Petroleum Company. + + * * * * * + +THE FATAL GIFT. + +People say to me sometimes, "Oh, _you_ know Woolman, don't you?" I +acknowledge that I do, and, after the silence that always ensues, I add, +"If you want to say anything against him, please go on." You can almost +hear the sigh of relief that goes up. "I thought he was a friend of +yours," they say cheerfully. "But, of course, if----" and then they +begin. + +I think it is time I explained my supposed friendship for Ernest +Merrowby Woolman--confound him. + +The affair began in a taxicab two years ago. Andrew had been dining with +me that night; we walked out to the cab-rank together; I told the driver +where to go, and Andrew stepped in, waved good-bye to me from the +window, and sat down suddenly upon something hard. He drew it from +beneath him, and found it was an extremely massive (and quite new) +silver cigar-case. He put it in his pocket with the intention of giving +it to the driver when he got out, but quite naturally forgot. Next +morning he found it on his dressing-table. So he put it in his pocket +again, meaning to leave it at Scotland Yard on his way to the City. + +Next morning it was on his dressing-table again. + +This went on for some days. After a week or so Andrew saw that it was +hopeless to try to get a cigar-case back to Scotland Yard in this casual +sort of way; it must be taken there deliberately by somebody who had a +morning to spare and was willing to devote it to this special purpose. +He placed the case, therefore, prominently on a small table in the +dining-room to await the occasion; calling also the attention of his +family to it, as an excuse for an outing when they were not otherwise +engaged. + +At times he used to say, "I must really take that cigar-case to Scotland +Yard to-morrow." + +At other times he would say, "Somebody must really take that cigar-case +to Scotland Yard to-day." + +And so the weeks rolled on ... + +It was about a year later that I first got mixed up with the thing. I +must have dined with the Andrews several times without noticing the +cigar-case, but on this occasion it caught my eye as we wandered out to +join the ladies, and I picked it up carelessly. Well, not exactly +carelessly; it was too heavy for that. + +"Why didn't you tell me," I said, "that you had stood for Parliament and +that your supporters had consoled you with a large piece of plate? +Hallo, they've put the wrong initials on it. How unbusiness-like." + +"Oh, _that_?" said Andrew. "Is it still there?" + +"Why not? It's quite a solid little table. But you haven't explained why +your constituents, who must have seen your name on hundreds of posters, +thought your initials were E. M. W." + +Andrew explained. + +"Then it isn't yours at all?" I said in amazement. + +"Of course not." + +"But, my dear man, this is theft. Stealing by finding, they call it. You +could get"--I looked at him almost with admiration--"you could get two +years for this;" and I weighed the cigar-case in my hand. "I believe +you're the only one of my friends who could be certain of two years," I +went on musingly. "Let's see, there's----" + +"Nonsense," said Andrew uneasily. "But still, perhaps I'd better take it +back to Scotland Yard to-morrow." + +"And tell them you've kept it for a year? They'd run you in at once. No, +what you want to do is to get rid of it without their knowledge. But +how--that's the question. You can't give it away because of the +initials." + +"It's easy enough. I can leave it in another cab, or drop it in the +river." + +"Andrew, Andrew," I cried, "you're determined to go to prison! Don't you +know from all the humorous articles you've ever read that, if you _try_ +to lose anything, then you never can? It's one of the stock remarks one +makes to women in the endeavour to keep them amused. No, you must think +of some more subtle way of disposing of it." + +"I'll pretend it's yours," said Andrew more subtly, and he placed it in +my pocket. + +"No, you don't," I said. "But I tell you what I will do. I'll take it +for a week and see if I can get rid of it. If I can't, I shall give it +you back and wash my hands of the whole business--except, of course, for +the monthly letter or whatever it is they allow you at the Scrubbs. You +may still count on me for that." + +And then the extraordinary thing happened. The next morning I received a +letter from a stranger, asking for some simple information which I could +have given him on a post-card. And so I should have done--or possibly, I +am afraid, have forgotten to answer at all--but for the way that the +letter ended up. + + "_Yours very truly_, + _ERNEST M. WOOLMAN._" + +The magic initials! It was a chance not to be missed. I wrote +enthusiastically back and asked him to lunch. + +He came. I gave him all the information he wanted, and lots more. +Whether he was a pleasant sort of person or not I hardly noticed; I was +so very pleasant myself. + +He returned my enthusiasm. He asked me to dine with him the following +week. A little party at the Savoy--his birthday, you know. + +I accepted gladly. I rolled up at the party with my little present ... a +massive silver cigar-case ... suitably engraved. + + *** + +So there you are. He clings to me. He seems to have formed the absurd +idea that I am fond of him. A few months after that evening at the Savoy +he was married. I was invited to the wedding--confound him. Of course I +had to live up to my birthday present; the least I could do was an +enormous silver cigar-box (not engraved), which bound me to him still +more strongly. + +By that time I realised that I hated him. He was pushing, familiar, +everything that I disliked. All my friends wondered how I had become so +intimate with him ... + +Well, now they know. And the original E. M. W., if he has the sense to +read this article, knows. If he cares to prosecute Ernest Merrowby +Woolman for being in possession of stolen goods I shall be glad to give +him any information. Woolman is generally to be found leaving my rooms +at about 6.30 in the evening, and a smart detective could easily nab him +as he steps out. + + A. A. M. + + * * * * * + +FORTUNE'S FAVOURITE. + + Dear maiden of the sunny head + And cheeks of coral hue, + The lips of rarest ruby red, + The eyes of Oxford blue, + And other charms I've left unsaid ... + Ah, how I envy you! + + Heedless of half a world at war + You neither strive nor cry; + Though danger knocks at England's door + There's laughter in your sky: + You ask not what she's fighting for, + Nor reck the reason why. + + You little guess, you never will, + The force that nerves this fist + To toil away for you until + My mind is like a mist; + The lack of money for the mill, + The growing dearth of grist. + + Ah, since amid a world grown wild, + And horrors still half told, + Peace has her palace round you piled, + By all the gods I hold + You are a very lucky child, + My little Nine-months-old. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _Officer Commanding Squad (about to cross Waterloo +Bridge.)_ "'ALT! BREAK STEP! LARGE COLUMNS OF TROOPS WHEN CROSSIN' +BRIDGES IS COMMANDED TO 'BREAK STEP' SO THAT THE UNISON OF THEIR TREAD +MAY NOT DANGEROUSLY THREATEN THE STERBILITY OF THE BRIDGE." + + * * * * * + +A CANDIDATE FOR THE FORCE. + +"I want to enrol myself as a Special Constable," I said to the man in +mufti behind the desk. + +"Well, don't let me stop you," he remarked. "The Police Station is next +door. This is a steam laundry." + +A minute later I began again:-- + +"I want to enrol myself as a Steam Laund--that is to say, as a Special +Constable." + +"Certainly, Sir," said the Inspector in charge. "Your name and address?" + +I opened my cigarette-case and placed a card on the desk. + +"The name of the house is pronounced _Song Soocee_," I said, "not, as +spelt, Sans Souci." + +The Inspector handed me back the card. It was a cigarette-picture +representing the proper method of bandaging a displaced knee-cap. I +rectified the error, and he entered the information in a book. + +"I must ask if you are a British subject?" he inquired. + +"You might almost describe me as super-British," I replied. "There is a +tradition in my family that my ancestors were on Hastings Pier when the +Conqueror arrived." + +"Thank you. That will be all." + +"You don't want me to give references, one of which must be a clergyman +or a J.P.? You don't require me to state previous experience, if any, or +any details of that sort?" + +"Oh, no," he answered. "That'll be all right. You are no doubt familiar +with squad drill?" + +"Splendid! I had no idea it was used in the Force." + +"Eight turn--left turn--about turn--form fours--and so on?" + +"I beg your pardon," I said, "but what did you call that?" + +"Squad drill, Sir." + +"O-o-h! I thought you said 'quadrille'. But I know the turns. Right turn, +I turn to the right; left turn, I turn to the left; about turn, I turn +just about, but not quite; form fours, I form--excuse me, but how does +_one_ man form fours?" + +"There will, of course, be others," replied the Inspector. "You'll soon +pick it up. And please state at what hours of the day you would be +prepared to take duty." + +"Well," I said, "I've practically nothing to do from the time I get +up--half-past ten--until mid-day. I could also manage to spare +half-an-hour between afternoon-tea and dinner. And I could just drop in +here about eleven at night to see if things were going along all right. +Now, if you'll kindly fetch me a bull's-eye lantern, a life-preserver, a +bullet-proof tunic, some indiarubber boots, a revolver, and a letter of +introduction to some of the most skilful cooks in the neighbourhood I +can put in one crowded hour of joyous life before I'm due on the links." + +"Just a moment," said the Inspector. "I don't want to discourage you, +but kindly cast your eye over these paragraphs;" and he handed me a +printed circular. "You will see that it will be necessary for you to +perform four consecutive hours' duty." + +"Good heavens," I exclaimed, "I don't think I shall be able to manage +that. I'm in the middle of an important jig-saw; I'm expecting a new +motor-car to arrive any minute; and I have a slight head-cold. However, +if my country calls me, I will see what can be arranged." + +I noticed the Inspector's look of admiration at my bull-dog resolution, +so to hide my blushes I perused the circular. + +"I see," I said, "that we are each supplied with 'one armlet.' What's an +armlet?". + +"A badge that goes round your arm." + +"Of course! How stupid of me! Just like a bracelet goes round one's--no, +that won't do. Just like a gimlet goes--no, that doesn't either. I can't +think of a simile, but I quite understand. Then we have 'one whistle.' +What's that for? To whistle on if I feel lonely?" + +"To summon assistance if you should require it." + +"I have an idea that my whistle will be overworked. Shall I be able to +get a new one when the original's worn out?" + +The Inspector thought there would be no difficulty in my getting +rewhistled. + +"'One truncheon,'" I continued. "That, of course, is to trunch with. One +truncheon, though, seems rather niggardly. I should prefer two, one in +each hand. 'One note-book'--is that for autographs and original +contributions from my brother Specials?" + +"For noting names and addresses and details of cases," explained the +Inspector. "For instance, if, when on duty, you saw Jack Johnson +committing a breach of the peace you would--" + +"Blow my whistle hard--" + +"Certainly not. You would take his name and address and note it down." + +"And if he refused it I could then whistle for help?" + +"No, you would at once arrest him." + +"What's the earliest possible moment at which it would be etiquette to +blow my whistle?" + +"When he offered resistance. Then you could whistle." + +"No, I couldn't," I said, "not unless my equipment included one pair of +bellows. Do you mean to tell me that I should be expected to arrest a +man of infinitely superior physique to my own with no other weapons than +one armlet, one whistle, one truncheon and one note-book? Surely I should +be allowed to run for the Mayor and get him to read the Riot Act? If +not, I can only say a policeman's lot is----" + +"Not a happy one?" put in the Inspector. + +"I was going to say a policeman's lot is a lot too much. Would you +kindly cross my name off your list?" + +"I crossed it off some minutes ago," replied the Inspector. + + * * * * * + +THE WATCH DOGS. + +II. + +DEAR CHARLES,--Another letter from the back of the front for you. You +will be glad to hear that your Terrier is settling down in his temporary +kennel and sharpening his teeth in due course. The time will come when +you may look your gift dog in the mouth and be not disappointed, we +hope, by the view. + +We received orders a day or two ago to take up our beds and walk; that +is, a couple of officers and a hundred odd of the men were told off to +execute a flank movement on a neighbouring township where there is a +range, and do our damnedest with the poor old targets. So we put our +oddments in our pillow-case, rolled up our bedrooms into a convenient +bundle and trekked. We were assured that we should be back at our base +within the week, but we have learnt to take no chances. We have but one +form of movement, the _tout ensemble_. + +It is quite refreshing to step, over a hundred strong, into a village +with no pre-arranged scheme of board and lodging. Like every other +wanderer in a strange part, we turn first to the policeman. We march +towards him at attention; we call a halt at the base of his feet, and +then, with the courtesy of the gentleman and the brevity of the soldier, +we inform him that we have arrived. The next development is up to him. + +It is not to him, however, that we owe our temporary rest. It is to that +irrepressible and indefatigable unit, the Boy Scout. Charles, I believe +we'd all be lying out in the rain at this moment but for that +assistance. The equipment of the Boy Scout on billeting duty consists of +a piece of white chalk and a menacing demeanour. Thus armed, he knocks +at every likely door, wishes the householder a good morning and +registers on the door-frame the number of men that may be left till +called for within, even while the policeman is still endeavouring to +explain the international situation and the military exigencies to the +slow-thinking rustic. Many formidable obstacles lie in our path, we +know, but we are comforted by the thought that the Boy Scout isn't one +of them. If, in the next generation, Britain continues to exist as a +nation and not as a depôt for the training of waiters in the Berlin +restaurants, then indeed we shall have something to rely on in these +adaptable young fellows. + +The host upon whom we officers were thrust was quite polite as long as +our Boy Scout stood by, but, left to himself, turned out crusty. He was +rather too old to turn into the perfect hotel proprietor all in a +minute, and, as he put it, "he couldn't see his way" to do this and that +for us. He was prepared to do all he had to do, but no more. +Unfortunately we were not as well up in the regulations as our youthful +and now departed protector. So we went out and did a bit of billeting on +our own. It is an odd experience, this knocking at somebody's door and, +upon being asked what one has come for, answering, "To stay." For +ourselves we thought that the Rector would be a good man to experiment +on. These parsons are used to being victimised and are known not to be +too harsh upon the delinquent. So off we went to the Rectory, +significantly handling our hilts and twirling our military stubbles. But +the essence of war is surprise, and it was the Rector's wife who +confronted our attack. + +I said, upon enquiry, that I couldn't say what we wanted but placed +myself unreservedly in my colleague's hands. I then took a pace to the +rear and prepared to retire in good order. Robertson's whole efforts +were concentrated on refraining from taking off his cap, as behoves a +gentleman, but not an officer, and the Rector's wife remained amiable +but on the defensive. Charles, our position was a hopeless one and our +careers had concluded then and there but for the arrival of the ally. +Boy Scouts are as tactful as they are forgiving; he accepted our +explanation and apology to himself and he explained for us and +apologised to the Rector's wife. It was little he had to say, for never +was a less reluctant and more efficient billettee. This kind lady has +not only made our sojourn one long series of simple luxuries, she has +been through the whole of our kit and washed and repaired the lot. Think +what you may about the Church when you are a civilian in affluence, but +when you are a soldier in distress turn to it first for succour. + +Lastly, a minor incident of a regretable nature. Halting on the march +yesterday for our transport to catch up (our transport is known as +Lieutenant Pearson's Circus) I discovered one of our dusty thirsty +warriors having made his illegal entrance into a public-house by an +emergency door. There he stood with a glisten in his eyes and his hand +just about to grasp the pewter pot! Out he went under sentence of death +by slow torture, and there was I left, with a thirst such as I have +never before believed to be possible, alone with a pewter pot, with the +foam just brimming over the top ... alone, unseen, undiscoverable ... + + Your fallen Friend, + HENRY. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: THE LANGUAGE OF THE HOUR. + +_Irate Lady (firing Parthian shot after marital misunderstanding)._ +"Yer--yer bloomin' Oolan!" + + * * * * * + +LITERARY GOSSIP. + +The Autumn publishing season will undoubtedly be affected by the war, +several firms having decided to withhold most of their forthcoming +books. Messrs. Odder and Thynne, however, being convinced that the +reading public cannot subsist entirely on newspapers, have with great +public spirit resolved to publish their full programme, which is +unusually full of works of interest. + + * * * * * + +The foremost place in their list is allotted to Principal Toshley +Potts's volume of essays, which bear the attractive title of _The Hill +of Havering_. Principal Potts was recently hailed by Sir NICHOLSON +ROBERTS as "the Scots A. C. Benson," and this felicitous analogy will, +we feel sure, be triumphantly vindicated by the contents of this +epoch-making work, which by the way is dedicated to Dr. Emery Cawker, of +the University of Brashville, Ga. + + * * * * * + +Another work of outstanding significance is a volume of poems, entitled +_Kailyard Carols_, from the accomplished pen of Mr. Alan Bodgers, whom +Mr. DAVID LYALL, in a three-column article in the _Penman_, recently +declared to be the finest lyric poet since SHELLEY, and Mr. LYALL seldom +makes a mistake. Mr. Bodgers, it may be added, is the sub-editor of the +_Kilspindie Courant_, and has a handicap of twenty-two at the local golf +club. + + * * * * * + +Very welcome also is the announcement that Professor Hector McGollop has +undertaken to edit a series of Manuals of Moral Uplift, to which he will +contribute the opening volume on _The Art of Unction_. Other +contributors to the series are Dr. Talisker Dinwiddie, Principal Marcus +Tonks and the Rev. Bandley Chadd. + + * * * * * + +In the department of fiction the most remarkable of the novelties +promised by Messrs. Odder and Thynne is _The Nut's Progress_, by Mr. +EWAN STRAW. It will be remembered that in a four-column review of Mr. +STRAW'S last book, _Nothing Doing_, which appeared in the Xmas number of +the _Book Booster_, Sir CLEMENT SHORTHOUSE declared that this talented +fictionist combined the lilt of FRANK SMEDLEY (the author of _Frank +Fairleigh_) with the whimsicality of BARRIE and the austere morality of +ANNIE SWAN. Otherwise we may be sure the firm of Odder and Thynne would +never have published a work with so risky a title. + + * * * * * + +PERHAPS. + + Of wolves that wear sheep's clothing + The world has long been full, + But I've a special loathing + For one in Berlin wool. + + Although the wool may cover + Not more than half the beast, + Perhaps when all is over + He'll be entirely fleeced. + + W. W. + + * * * * * + + "MAGNIFICENT BEQUEST TO THE LOUVRE. Sunspot Visible to the Naked + Eye." + + _Times._ + +France seems to have acquired Germany's spot in the sun. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _Ethel (in apprehensive whisper which easily reaches her +German governess, to whom she is deeply attached)._ "MOTHER, SHALL WE +HAVE TO KILL FRÄULEIN?" + + * * * * * + +REASONING IN THE RANKS. + +[_Several journals have pointed out that the type of recruit now +offering himself is in a high degree capable of reasoning and +initiative._] + +"Now I want any of you who are puzzled about anything to ask questions +about it," said the instructing sergeant-major ... and anon: + +"Right about, Number 3 of the front rank! There is no such thing as left +about turn. Squad, form----" + +"Excuse me," interrupted Number 3, "but why do you say that there is no +such thing as left about turn?" + +"Because there isn't," said the sergeant-major unsympathetically. + +"But, my good man," urged Number 3, "there must be. I've just done it. +Why, look here!" + +He did it again. + +"Such a movement is not in the drill-book," said the sergeant-major +curtly. + +"But," protested Number 3, "you told us yourself only yesterday that +very few of the total possible commands _are_ in the drill-book. For +instance, there is no provision for lining a railway embankment, often, +I understand, a salutary and even vital evolution." + +The sergeant-major considered. + +"There's no use," he said at last weightily, "'avin' _two_ ways of doin' +anything when one will do. It is generally considered that right about +turn is enough ways of turning about for any one man." + +"By all means," admitted the recruit generously, "let us be frugal. +Frugality is the mainspring of efficiency. One way of turning about is +ample for me. But why right rather than left?" + +"Because right's right, and that's all there is to it," said the +sergeant-major, who was tiring of the argument. + +"Exactly," admitted Number 3, "and left's left, and _that_ leaves us +just where we started. Now if the War Office had tossed up and made a +general decision in favour of right I could understand the position. But +my impression is that this is not so. Thus, if I were to step off with +the right foot----" + +"Shut your face," said the sergeant-major, "and do what you're told. +Squad! A-bout---- Turn!" + +"Reasoning," observed Number 3, "is lost upon yonder survival of the old +school of stereotyped militarism. The hour for initiative has arrived." + +And by way of protest he executed a neat left about turn. + + * * * * * + +GUNS OF VERDUN + + Guns of Verdun point to Metz + From the plated parapets; + Guns of Metz grin back again + O'er the fields of fair Lorraine. + + Guns of Metz are long and grey + Growling through a summer day; + Guns of Verdun, grey and long, + Boom an echo of their song. + + Guns of Metz to Verdun roar, + "Sisters, you shall foot the score;" + Guns of Verdun say to Metz, + "Fear not, for we pay our debts." + + Guns of Metz they grumble, "When?" + Guns of Verdun answer then, + "Sisters, when to guard Lorraine + Gunners lay you East again!" + + * * * * * + +Illustration: AT THE POST OF HONOUR. + +LIBERTY (_to Belgium_)--"TAKE COMFORT. YOUR COURAGE IS VINDICATED; YOUR +WRONGS SHALL BE AVENGED." + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +(EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.) + +_House of Lords, Tuesday, Aug. 25._--After fortnight's recess Parliament +meets again. Scene mightily changed. At time of adjournment country on +brink of war. Now in thick of it. + +Contrary to custom interest centred in Chamber at this end of corridor. +Man of the moment is the tall strongly-framed figure that enters on +stroke of appointed hour and marches with soldierly step to Ministerial +Bench. This is KITCHENER, Secretary of State for War, primed with +message from the Army which, making its first stand at Mons, had a +baptism of fire that lasted thirty-six hours. + +With characteristic modesty the new Minister seated himself at lower end +of Bench. CREWE presently arriving signalled him to come up higher. +Accordingly seated himself next to LEADER OF HOUSE. Thence rose at +half-past four to make his maiden speech, a deliverance effected under +rarely momentous circumstances. Brought with him one of those "scraps of +paper" which the KAISER scorns when they contain such trifling matter as +a solemn treaty with a neighbouring nation. On this KITCHENER, more at +home on the battlefield than in a place where a man's business is to +talk, had written his speech. + +It was brief, manly, simple. Made haste to point out that, though +associated with the Cabinet, holding high office in the Government, his +appearance on the Ministerial Bench did not imply that he belonged to +any political party. + +"As a soldier," he said, "I have no politics." + +House startled to hear him add that his occupation of the post of +Secretary of State for War is temporary. Terms of his service are those +of the recruits for the new Army. He is engaged to serve during the war. +If it lasts longer than three years, then for three years only. + +Faced by grim suggestion that the war just opening may last for three +years, a deeper gravity fell over listening House. KITCHENER +pre-eminently a man who knows what he is talking about. And here he was +in level tones, unruffled manner, taking into account the contingency of +the war lasting three years. + +That this was no idle conjecture, rather a well-thought-out possibility +intelligently provided for, appeared when he went on to describe how the +contingency must be faced. The enemy had already brought his full +resources into the field. It was a maximum which, after a succession of +days like last Sunday, must necessarily diminish. On the other hand, +whilst we have put a comparatively small force afoot, there is behind +it, at home and in the Colonies, a vast reserve which, diligently +trained and organised, will steadily reinforce the fighting line. In the +course of six or seven months there will be a total of thirty divisions, +continually kept up to full fighting strength. + +Nor was that all. + +"If," said the soldier-Minister, "the war be protracted, and if its +fortune be varied or adverse, exertions and sacrifices beyond any +already demanded will be required from the whole nation and Empire." + +Ominous words increasing prevalent gloom. At least satisfactory to know +that in his official communications KITCHENER will always cheer us by +presenting to closest view the worst that has actually happened or is +possibly in store. + +_Business done._--KITCHENER makes his maiden speech. + +Illustration: ANOTHER "SCRAP OF PAPER." (K. of K.) + +_House of Commons, Wednesday._--No one looking in on House this +afternoon would imagine that the country is engaged in an armed fight, +issues of which will in one direction or another transform the aspect of +Europe. Atmosphere unruffled. "Business as usual" the order of the day. + +Pretty full attendance considering House has with brief intervals been +in session since February and meets again at what in normal times would +be period of full recess. PREMIER on Treasury Bench at opening of +sitting. Having answered a few questions, withdrew to his private room +and was no more seen. + +LLOYD GEORGE, left in charge, moved through various stages series of +emergency measures. + +On Currency and Bank Note Bill question of design of new twenty-shilling +and ten-shilling notes came up. Some disrespectful things said of it. +CHANCELLOR OF EXCHEQUER admitted its imperfection but pleaded that in +the hurried circumstances of the day it was the best that could be done. +Exception especially taken on score that the design made forgery easy. +Here the CHANCELLOR differed. + +"I have been told by an expert in these matters," he said, with the +pleased air of one recalling the dictum of a respected friend, "that the +plainer the design on a note the more difficult it is to forge it." + +All the same the notes are to be called in and replaced. + +_Business done._--Second reading of Bill giving Government blank cheque +for meeting expenses of war carried without debate or division. + +_Thursday._--PREMIER'S surpassing gift of speech, equally concise and +eloquent, never more brilliantly displayed than this afternoon. Proposed +Resolution conveying expression of sympathy and admiration for heroic +resistance offered by the Belgian Army and people to wanton invasion of +their territory. In speech that occupied less than ten minutes in +delivery the PREMIER, himself moved to loftiest pitch of righteous +indignation, touched deepest feelings of a crowded House. + +Referring to Great Britain's intervention in "a quarrel in which it had +no direct concern," he pointed out that the country threw away the +scabbard only when confronted by necessity of choice between keeping and +breaking solemn obligations, between the discharge of a binding trust +and a shameless subservience. + +A deep-throated cheer approved his emphatic declaration, "We do not +repent our decision." + +Cheers rang forth again when in another fine passage he said, "The +Belgians have won for themselves the immortal glory which belongs to a +people who prefer freedom to ease, to security, even to life itself. We +are proud of their alliance and their friendship. We salute them with +respect and honour. We are with them heart and soul." + +Difficult to follow outburst of genuine eloquence like this, delivered +with thrilling force. BONAR LAW in equally brief speech voiced hearty +acquiescence of Opposition in Resolution. JOHN REDMOND, associating +Ireland whole-heartedly with it, made practical suggestion, that, +instead of lending Belgium ten millions as proposed, we should hand the +money over to her as a free gift, an instalment of a just debt. + +_Business done._--More Emergency Bills advanced by stages. Ominous hint +of fresh taxation dropped by CHANCELLOR. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: FOR NEUTRAL CONSUMPTION. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: GERMAN KAISER. "We are not satisfied with Our moustache; +it seems to need support on the Eastern side." + + * * * * * + +BLANCHE'S LETTERS + +THE WAR SPIRIT + + _Park Lane._ + +DEAREST DAPHNE,--There was a big party of us at the Clackmannans' Scotch +place, Blairbinkie, when all these fearful things began to happen--and +now where are we all? The Flummery boys and ever so many more of the +party are at the front with their regiments. The Duke of Clackmannan is +at the head of the Clackmannan Yeomanry. Norty's gone off to help take +care of the East coast, and it's lucky to have _him_ helping to protect +it and keep watch, for if there's _anybody_ who could see things coming +sooner than anybody else it's Norty! + +Stella, Beryl, Babs and your Blanche are all back in Town, and when +we're not taking lessons in nursing we're sewing at flannel. I make +Yvonne do my hair quite, _quite_ plainly, and I'm giving my jewels to my +country. I've already given my dear collar of pearls. I gave that first +because I love it best of all my jewels, because it can _never_ be +replaced, and because pearls suit me better than _any_ other stone. + +All our first fingers are covered with pricks and look immensely horrid, +but we glory in it and won't even put any cold cream on them! As I said +yesterday afternoon, when we were all sewing away at flannel, if _any_ +woman, I don't care _who_, offered me her hand and I saw that the first +finger was _smooth_ I'd refuse to take it! Beryl must needs weigh in +with, "But, my dear Blanche, she wouldn't offer you her _left_ hand! +It's the _left_ forefinger that gets punished in needlework." "The +principle is the same," I answered coldly. "And besides, some people are +left-handed." Beryl has decent qualities, I know, and one doesn't want +to find fault with anyone just now, but she was always like that--and +her _hemming_, dearest! + +Babs is wild to go to the front, but I say she'd be only a nuisance +until she knows more about nursing. Someone told me the other day, +_à propos_ of untrained women going to the front and hindering instead of +helping, that during the last war a poor dear in one of the hospitals +had his hair parted _fifty_ times in an hour by _fifty_ different +people, and nearly got brain-fever. + +There was a man in the party at Blairbinkie who, before we were at war, +talked _fervidly_ of what he should do for his country if trouble came. +I had not liked Hector Swankington the least little bit before that, but +when he said that, in the event of war, he would raise a troop at his +own expense, call it "Swankington's Horse" and lead it himself "wherever +the fighting was hottest," I thought I'd not done him justice. So I +listened to him and approved and encouraged the plan. And then the storm +burst and we all scattered. The other morning I met him in the Park when +I was taking my early walk. He asked if I would dine with him some +evening at the "Iridescent," and I said it was not a time for dining at +restaurants. "No," he agreed, "it certainly isn't now all the French +cooks are gone; and what an idiotic idea this is about reducing the +number of courses at dinner! Silly rot, I call it!" + +I ignored this and asked, "What about 'Swankington's Horse'?" + +"Oh! that's all off," he said huffily. "I wrote to the authorities about +raising the troop, asked what State recognition I should get, and +enclosed a drawing of the hat I meant to wear as leader--a ripping +scheme, turned up at one side and with a bunch of feathers. All the +answer I got was a few brief words of acknowledgment and a request to +set about it at once and report myself somewhere or other. Not a word of +the State recognition I was to receive, and the drawing of the hat +returned with 'Not approved' scrawled across it. So I've chucked the +whole business. And now don't let us talk of _that_ any more!" + +I gave him my freezing look (you've never seen my freezing look, +dearest--it's _terrible_!) and I said with a little calm deadly manner +that I very, _very_ seldom use, "I've no wish to talk to you of +_that_--or of anything else--ever again." And I left him. + +The party at Blairbinkie that scattered almost as soon as it assembled +was by way of being a farewell to the old place, for the Clackmannans +had virtually sold it to a Mr. Spragg, of Pittsburg. He was going to +have the old castle taken across in bits and set up again in +Pennsylvania; and he was taking all the family portraits, the mausoleum, +the old trees in the park and the stags at a valuation, as well as the +village itself with all its cottages and people, in order that the +castle might have its proper _setting_ out there. There were two more +things he wanted included in the bargain--a village idiot and a family +ghost ("hereditary spectre," he called it). + +Ah, my dear! all this belongs to the happy old days of a hundred years +ago, when we were all three or four weeks younger. The man from +Pittsburg, so far from being able to buy Blairbinkie, hardly knows where +to look for his next meal, and as for shipping castles and trees and +mausoleums and village idiots and family ghosts across the Atlantic he +only wishes he could get _himself_ across, even if he had to work his +passage! + +Josiah is at the uttermost ends of the earth. He went in June, about +rubber-mines or oil-concessions, I'm not sure which. I had a cable from +him the other day from a place that began with "Boo" and ended with +"atty"--I forget what came between. He told me not to be anxious, that +he'd get back when and how he could. My answer was, "Not anxious. +Wherever you are you'd better stay there, or you may get taken prisoner +by those creatures, and then I'd never forgive you!" + +Talking of prisoners reminds me of a rumour about the +Bullyon-Boundermeres. They were cruising somewhere in their new big +steam-yacht when war broke out, and now there's a report that the enemy +have taken the yacht and turned it into a cruiser; that the +Bullyon-Boundermere people are prisoners on board, and that they're +making _her_ wash dishes and forcing _him_ to work as a stoker or a +bulkhead or some fearful thing of that kind! This is not _official_, my +dear, but I give it you for what it's worth. + +I called a little meeting here yesterday about a scheme of mine. Beryl +and Babs and your Blanche and several more of us are really _crack_ +shots, and I want to form us into a band of rifle-women and ask the +Powers that be to let us guard some important place--a bridge or a bank +or a powder magazine. We should wear a distinctive uniform, and we +wouldn't let anyone come _near_! Babs said she hoped the uniform would +be smart and becoming, but I soon shut her up. "This is not a time to +think of cut or colour," I told her. "Myself, I shouldn't care _how_ my +uniform was cut--even if the _shoulder_ seams were at the _elbows_. And +as for colour I'd wear _grass-green_, though it's a colour in which I +look a mere _fiend_, if it would help my country!" And Beryl and Babs +cried and kissed me. + + Ever thine, + BLANCHE. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _The Lady of the House_, "JUST THE PERSON I WANTED TO +SEE. I'VE STARTED TEN COMMITTEES IN CONNECTION WITH THE WAR AND I WANT +YOUR HELP." + +_Visitor._ "MY _DEAR_! I'VE JUST STARTED TWELVE AND I SIMPLY _COUNTED_ +ON YOU!" + + * * * * * + + "The Suez Canal has brought St. Helena much closer than in + Napoleonic days." + + _T.P.'s Weekly._ + +In the same way the opening of the Panama Canal has made Heligoland much +more adjacent than in Lord SALISBURY'S days. + + * * * * * + +ODE TO JOHN BRADBURY. + +(_The new notes for_ £1 _and_ 10s. _are signed by JOHN BRADBURY._) + + When the Red KAISER, swoll'n with impious pride + And stuffed with texts to serve his instant need, + Took Shame for partner and Disgrace for guide, + Earned to the full the hateful traitor's meed, + And bade his hordes advance + Through Belgium's cities towards the fields of France; + And when at last our patient island race, + By the attempted wrong + Made fierce and strong, + Flung back the challenge in the braggart's face, + Oh then, while martial music filled the air, + Clarion and fife and bagpipe and the drum, + Calling to men to muster, march, and dare, + Oh, then thy day, JOHN BRADBURY, was come. + + JOHN BRADBURY, the Muse shall fill my strain + To sing thy praises; thou hadst spent thy time + Not idly, nor hadst lived thy life in vain, + Unfitted for the guerdon of my rhyme. + For lo, the Funds went sudden crashing down, + And men grew pale with monetary fear, + And in the toppling mart + The stoutest heart + Melted, and fortunes seemed to disappear; + And some, forgetting their austere renown, + Went mad and sold + Whate'er they could and wildly called for Gold! + + "Since through no fault of ours the die was cast + We shall go forth and fight + In death's despite + And shall return victorious at the last; + But how, ah how," they said, + "Shall we and ours be fed + And clothed and housed from dreary day to day, + If, while our hearths grow cold, we have no coin to pay?" + + Then thou, where no gold was and little store + Of silver, didst appear and wave thy pen, + And with thy signature + Make things secure, + Bidding us all pluck up our hearts once more + And face our foolish fancied fears like men. + "I give you notes," you said, "of different kinds + To ease your anxious minds: + The one is black and shall be fairly found + Equal in value to a golden pound; + The other--mark its healthy scarlet print-- + Is worth a full half-sovereign from the Mint." + + Thus didst thou speak--at least I think thou didst-- + And, lo, the murmurs fell + And all things went right well, + While thy notes fluttered in our happy midst. + Therefore our grateful hearts go forth to thee, + Our British note-provider, brave JOHN BRADBURY! + +R. C. L. + + * * * * * + + "BELGIUM.--Can any member let me know as to what kind of weather to + expect in Belgium towards the end of October, and as to the + condition of the roads? I and my wife propose going a tandem tour at + that time in the Ardennes, Luxembourg, etc. Are most of the hotels + shut for the season at that time? Would the north of France be + preferable?--G. J."--_C. T. C. Gazette._ + +This gentleman is evidently particular. We are half afraid he will not +get quite what he wants. + + * * * * * + +THE COLUMN OF ADVENTURE. + +Even _The Times'_ "agony column," my staple reading during +toast-and-marmalade, suffers from the all-pervading war. Old friends +have dropped out of the column on its war march. No longer does the +Young Gentleman yearning for the idyllic life call on the charitable to +provide him with a year of perfect ease, comfort and luxury. I had hoped +to meet him some day, to draw out his confidences, perchance to edit his +memoirs. "My Check is My Fortune" would be a catchy title. But +apparently the War has put him out of business. The idyllic life has +gone. Another victim. + +His place is being filled by the Sportsman, eager to be up and +shooting--partridges. "Either singly or with a house party," he offers. +He asks only for board, lodging and ammunition. These provided, he is +willing to go for the enemy all September and October. + +Another Sportsman, humbler in aspiration, is prepared to specialise on +rabbits. He is ready to continue the fight until "Peace terms dictated +in Berlin by Allies." + +There has also arisen the Professional Rescuer. He offers to go +abroad--for a cash consideration--and smuggle back stranded relatives. +He does not give particulars of personal appearance, but one may imagine +him as essentially Williamlequeuish--small dark moustache, super-shrewd +eyes, Homburg hat, a revolver in every pocket, speaking six languages +more fluently than the natives, and on terms of intimacy with half the +diplomats of Europe. He would open his conversation with a casual: "The +last time I was chatting with the KAISER (I shall, of course, cut him in +future)...." + +Another occupation has been called into being by the War. It is that of +Berth-Snatcher. He is apparently a City man who has realised all his +securities and invested them in berths and staterooms on Atlantic +Liners. These he now offers "at a small bonus"--exact amount unstated. + +Also interesting is the occupation of Amateur Adviser. He has much +well-intentioned advice to offer to all and sundry: "To the War Office. +It is hoped that something is being done regarding," etc. Or: "Japan, +our Ally, could easily lend us half a million men." + +Presumably the Amateur Adviser has been denied place in the +correspondence columns. + +The Young Hungarian Nobleman, whose remittances have been stopped by the +war, is reminiscent of the original yearner for the idyllic life. "Is +supposed to be of good appearance," he states with obtrusive modesty. + +But the romantic halo around these young aristocrats is rather tarnished +by the Young French Vicomte. When he advertises that he "would +thankfully accept some clothes from English or American gentlemen," one +suspects a snug little second-hand business somewhere in savoury Soho. + + * * * * * + +From a letter in _The Bristol Evening Times_:-- + + "Only last evening I was passing through one of our main + thoroughfares, and saw seven or eight Territorials taking + refreshment in the backbone. I ask in fairness, Is this the + backbone. I ask in fairness, is this patriotic?" + +In fairness we reply. It is neither. + + * * * * * + + "The old Latinist has it, 'Deos vult pedere prius dementas.'" + + _Manx Chronicle._ + +How one's Latin slips from one with advancing age! But he must have been +very old. + + * * * * * + + "The Scheldt can easily be damned."--_Daily Chronicle._ + +So can the KAISER, but it isn't enough to say so. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _Ex-Teuton (to landlady)._ "ACH! MADAME, EET IS ALL +RIGHT! I VOS ENGLEESH NOW! I HAVE TO-DAY MEIN PAPERS OF NATIONALIZATION +TO YOUR HOME OFFICE SENT OFF. DERE VOS SEVERAL OATHS BY HALF-A-DOZEN +PEOPLES TO BE SVORN. IT VOS A TREMENDOUS AFFAIRS!" + + * * * * * + +THE HEROES. + +Once upon a time, many years ago--how many I cannot say, but certainly +it must have been before the Christian era--there lived a sublime +Emperor. After being for long the warmest, if platonic, friend of Peace, +and forcing the world to listen to his loud protestations of fidelity, +he suddenly surprised his hearers by declaring war. + +It was shortly after the opening of hostilities that he was seated on +his throne presenting awards of merit to the bravest of his brave +soldiers. The hall was filled with martial enthusiasm, and the memorable +scene was one in which splendour, animation and the confidence of +rectitude were equally notable. + +The Emperor's noble Vizier, to whose massive mind treaties were of no +more consequence than waste paper, stood at the side of his Imperial +Master to act as introducer of the gallant soldiers whose exploits (with +which the world was ringing) it had been decided to reward although so +early in the campaign--_pour encourager les autres_. + +"The first decorations," remarked the Vizier, "are for deeds of signal +courage." + +He motioned to a stalwart warrior. "This noble son of the Empire," he +said, "with his own bow shot six non-combatants within as many minutes." + +Loud cheers rent the air. + +"Three of them," the Vizier continued, "were women." + +Louder cheers. + +"The other three were old men over seventy." + +Immense enthusiasm. + +"This determined hacker-through," the Vizier continued, as another giant +stood forth, "shot an unarmed priest." + +More enthusiasm. + +"And," added the Vizier, "burned his temple." + +Amid the plaudits of the flower of the Stale the monarch affixed the +cherished tokens to the heroes' breasts. "My Braves!" he exclaimed. "In +the name of the Fatherland I thank you." + +Another warrior stepped out and saluted. + +"And what, my friend," asked the monarch, "did you do?" + +"Nothing, Sire," he replied with the unaffected simplicity of the man of +action; "I merely stamped on some little children--twins, I think." + +"Two medals for that," said the Emperor with ready wit, and there was +not a wet eye as he placed them in their proud position. + +The Vizier beckoned to a youthful officer on whose lip the down was +hardly yet visible. But though young in years he was already every inch +a soldier of his country. + +"This gallant gentleman," said the Vizier, "unaided, and at great +personal risk, shot a baby in arms." + +"In arms?" asked the monarch sharply. "Surely that mitigates the +heroism?" + +"I meant in its mother's arms," the Vizier hastily explained. + +"Ah!" said the Emperor with a sigh of relief, "that reassures me." And +amid profound excitement he embraced the soldier, pinned the coveted +badge to his breast and bade him quickly return to the front to carry on +the great work. + +"The next reward is for resource in emergency," said the master of +ceremonies an hour or so later. + +He beckoned to a superb officer, splendid in his trappings--a blue-eyed +colossus of nearly six-feet-six. + +"This highborn Captain," said the Vizier, "snatched some women from +their beds and pushed them before his men so that the enemy should not +shoot." + +The hall resounded with applause. + +"'Twas a brilliant thought," said the Emperor. "Not only will we +decorate him for intelligence, but for valour." + +"The last is for chivalry, Sire," said the master of the ceremonies, +indicating the remaining award. + +An officer stood forth. + +"This warrior," said the Vizier, "ordered his men to trample down some +public flower-beds in the enemy's capital." + +"Bravely done," said the Emperor. "A great and imaginative lesson. We'll +learn them to resist invasion!" + +Amid renewed demonstrations of loyalty and fervour the Emperor brought +the proceedings to a close. + +"Among so many deeds of valour," he said, "I find it impossible to say +which is the most splendid. All are glorious. I am in a position to +assure you that Heaven is proud of you. The Fatherland also is proud of +you, and, above all, I am proud of you. May the blessings of Heaven +continue to fall upon our great and merciful campaign for the right!" + +With these words the proceedings terminated and the heroes hurried back +to the fighting line, eager to win more laurels by similar feats of +culture. + + * * * * * + +SIDELIGHTS ON THE WAR. + +It is frequently remarked that the present war will be far-reaching in +its consequences. The truth of this is apparent from the following +notices, gathered at random from the column of "Personal Paragraphs" +which the Editor of _The Shrimpington-on-Sea Gazette_ publishes weekly, +without charge, thereby earning the reputation of a patriot:-- + +IN CONSEQUENCE OF the present crisis in the Money Market, Mrs. Pincham +desires to give notice that she hereby disclaims all liability for any +debts contracted by her at Bridge, and the same will not be paid. + +THIS IS TO SAY THAT, owing to the war and my pocket-money being stopped +because I broke the dining-room window, if Jackson Minor does not pay me +the balance of sixpence remaining for his half-share of the white rabbit +we both bought last term, his half of the rabbit will be sold and the +proceeds kept by the undersigned, SMITH TERTIUS. + +LADY STRAITER regrets to be obliged to announce that, in consequence of +the perilous financial situation in Europe, she will be forced to +discontinue her subscription of 2_s._ 6_d._ per annum to the Society for +the Relief of Distressed Dustmen. + +MR. ALURED DE MORTIMER TALBOT-HOWARD-ST. MAUR begs to inform his many +friends and the general public that the above is his real name, and that +he is proud to say he is by birth and descent an Englishman. The +spiteful rumours which allege that he originally kept a pawnbroker's +shop in Hamburg, where his name was Wilhelm Guggelheimer, are merely the +inventions of malicious persons who are envious of his property and +social position. + +As the Shrimpington-on-Sea Golf Course has been entirely ploughed-up +(with the exception of the greens) and planted with onions, turnips, +cabbages, and beetroot, to increase our national food-supply, all +members are requested to play in rubber-soled shoes only during the next +two months, so as not to damage the growing crops. + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"MY AUNT." + +Illustration: SHOULD THE TELEPHONE BE USED EXCEPT UNDER MEDICAL +ADVICE? + + _Mrs. Martingale_ Miss LOTTIE VENNE. + _Dr. Sweette_ Mr. ERNEST HENDRIE. + + *** + +Really, the only question to ask oneself of this adaptation from the +French is "Is it funny enough?" With so much being offered by the +newsboy outside the Vaudeville that is not at all funny, it would be +pleasant to find inside the doors a little relief from the world. + +I will give the authors the benefit of any doubt I may have felt now and +then, and say that _My Aunt_ serves its purpose. In places it made us +all laugh a good deal, and I don't think we were prepared to be easily +amused; although (for a reason which still escapes me) there was a +sudden burst of clapping when _Aubrey Braxton_ announced that he had +received an "ultimatum" from _Suzanne_. The latter part of the Second +Act is particularly well worked up, and one remark of _Aubrey's_ to +_Leslie Tarbolton_ brought down the house. ("You are the sort of man who +would go to call on a sick friend ... and eat his grapes.") The Third +Act is terribly padded with things which are not really funny, but it +gives us an opportunity of seeing a little more of Miss LOTTIE VENNE, to +whom the authors had not previously been generous. (I love Miss VENNE'S +voice and I love her manner of waving her arms in the air. It was +delightful to see and listen to her again.) + +For the best parts of the first two Acts, then; for Miss LOTTIE VENNE'S +voice; above all, for Mr. A. W. BASKCOMB'S face, _My Aunt_ is worth +while. As _Aubrey Braxton_ Mr. BASKCOMB--the never-to-be-forgotten +_Slightly_ of so many Christmasses--goes through all the many troubles +of a hero of farce with his own inimitable air of hopeless resignation. +I hope that his efforts will not be unrewarded, and that the management +will find that, without rivalling the success of that other aunt, +Charley's, they will yet for some time be able to play to good "business +as usual." + + M. + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S HOLIDAY STORIES. + +III.--THE FIGHT OF THE CENTURY. + +(Concluded.) + + [_SYNOPSIS OF PRECEDING INSTALMENT:--The great boxing boom is at its + height. A fight arranged between Smasher Mike and the famous + heavyweight champion. Mauler Mills, is arousing intense excitement + throughout the country. Nothing whatever is known of the Smasher, + and the betting is therefore 100 to 1 against him. Young Lord + Tamerton is at this time in desperate financial straits. His bosom + friend, Ralph Wonderson, who is in love with his sister, the + beautiful Lady Margaret Tamerton, prevails upon him to wager heavily + on Smasher Mike, and undertakes to put him in the way of obtaining a + loan of £5,000 for this purpose. Their conversation is overheard by + an agent of Sir Ernest Scrivener,_ alias _Marmaduke Moorsdyke, who + is the mortal enemy of Wonderson and is plotting to get Lady + Margaret Tamerton in his power._] + +The vast area of Corinthia was crammed with eager spectators, whose eyes +were concentrated with feverish intensity on the raised platform in the +centre of the hall. In the seats near the ring, for each of which a +hundred guineas had been charged, sat the cream of Britain's +aristocracy, including Lord Tamerton and Lady Margaret Tamerton, for +whom two tickets in a plain envelope had been left that morning. + +At last the preliminaries came to an end and Smasher Mike, clad in a +claret-coloured dressing-gown with yellow facings, crawled through the +ropes and went to his corner. As he raised his face to the lights a +murmur of amazement ran through the hall. + +"_It's Ralph Wonderson!_" Lady Margaret gripped her brother's arm till +the perspiration stood out on his forehead. + +"_It's Ralph Wonderson!_" The whisper passed from lip to lip, merging +presently into a burst of cheering as Mauler Mills scrambled up to the +platform, wearing an electric-blue dressing-gown with green facings and +pink sash. + +Ralph sat motionless in his corner, watching his gigantic adversary with +a pleasant smile and softly whistling the air of a popular song. At +length the referee leisurely entered the ring. As he did so, Ralph gave +a violent start and Lady Margaret gripped her brother's arm till his +teeth chattered. _The referee was not the popular Algernon Mittens, as +had been announced, but Sir Ernest Scrivener!_ + +Lord Tamerton stared up at the ring with ashen lips. With such an +official in charge nothing but a miracle could save Ralph Wonderson from +being disqualified in the first round. The House of Tamerton was more +utterly ruined than ever. + +But in thirty seconds Ralph, trained in many sports to meet all +emergencies, had summed up the situation and decided upon his course of +action. + +The gong sounded and the two pugilists advanced warily towards each +other. Suddenly Ralph lashed out a terrific right which, as he intended, +missed the Mauler by a foot. Unable, apparently, to retain his balance, +he swung completely round with the impetus of the blow, and his clenched +fist landed squarely upon the referee's jaw. Sir Ernest shot high over +the ropes and crashed down on the Dowager Duchess of Cumbersea, whence +he rebounded with terrible force into the arms of the Marquis of +Meltington. + +After a brief delay all three were removed to the hospital. + + * * * * * + +The fight, under a new referee, was in its twentieth round. Not a sound +could be heard beyond the shuffling of the pugilists' feet and the thud +of fist on flesh. + +Feinting with his left, the Mauler clinched heavily with his right, but +Ralph foiled the attack with a clever half-nelson. Again Mills swung his +right, and again Ralph parried the blow, this time by sending his left +to the funny-bone and thus paralysing the arm. He then dashed in and +uppercut his opponent severely on the occiput. Mauler Mills staggered to +the ropes, to which he clung frantically in order to preserve his +balance. + +A savage roar went up from the crowd, roused now to a pitch of frenzied +excitement. "Now you've got him! Finish him! Put him out!" they shouted. + +But Ralph, chivalrous as always, drew back, bowed formally to his +opponent and quietly awaited his recovery. + +Presently, after a courteous enquiry and an assurance from the Mauler +that he was quite ready, the pair exchanged a warm handshake and renewed +their combat. + +Taking a deep breath, Ralph advanced with cat-like tread and flashing +eyes upon his adversary. Knowing from painful experience what to expect, +the latter circled cautiously away, covering his face with his hands. +But Ralph, realising that time was short, determined not to be baffled. +Combining the agility of the chamois with the ponderous strength of the +hippopotamus, he crouched low and sprang like a tiger through the air +upon the unhappy Mauler, striking him full on the solar plexus. White to +the lips, the Mauler fell squirming to the floor, while Ralph +nonchalantly adjusted a lock of hair which had floated loose. + +"_One--two--three ..._" the voice of the referee was like the voice of +inexorable Fate ... "_four--five--six ..._" Lady Margaret gripped her +brother's arm till his hair stood on end ... "_seven--eight ..._" The +Countess of Snecks fainted with a loud shriek ... "_nine--Out_"! + +The great fight was won. The House of Tamerton was saved. + +Clad in his claret-coloured dressing-gown, the new champion pressed his +_fiancée_ against the yellow facings and stroked her fair hair fondly +with his boxing-gloves. + +"My little wife!" he whispered. + +And the vast area of Corinthia rang with emotional cheers. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _Sentry (suddenly appearing)._ "HALT! WHO GOES THERE?" + +_Brown._ "ER--SEASON!" + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +Far too rarely does the conscientious reviewer enjoy such a chance as +has come to me now, a chance to let himself go in the matter of praise +without stint or reservation. As a reward doubtless for some of my many +unrecorded good deeds, there has come into my hands a slender volume +called _Naval Occasions_ (BLACKWOOD), which seems to me to be the most +entirely satisfactory and, indeed, fascinating thing of its kind that +ever I read. The writer chooses for his own sufficient reasons to +disguise himself as "BARTIMEUS," and under that name I have to ask him +to accept my very sincere gratitude. The little book contains +twenty-five sketches, mostly quite short, relating to (I quote its text, +taken from the Articles of War) "the Navy, whereon, under the good +Providence of God, the wealth, safety, and strength of the Kingdom +chiefly depend." Never surely did a book appear so aptly. At a moment +like this, when the dullest collection of naval facts can stir the +pulse, such pages as these, full of the actual life and work of the men +who are safeguarding us all, deserve a public as vast as the Empire +itself. The appeal of them is amazing, for their art is of so concealed +a quality that the writing seems simplicity itself. To say that they +bring the atmosphere of salt winds and the tang of the sea, is nothing; +a skilful novel about Margate sands would deserve this praise; it is in +their humanity that the charm lies, the sense of courage and comradeship +and high endeavour that is in every one of them. You will laugh often as +you read; and sometimes, quite suddenly, you will find yourself with a +prickly feeling at the back of the eyes, because of the tears that are +in these things; but they are the proud kind, never the sloppily +sentimental. And at the end I am mistaken in you if you do not close the +book with the rare and moving sensation that you have found something of +which you can say, as I myself did, "This is absolutely It!" + + * * * * * + +Amongst the thousands of helpful suggestions for the conduct of war +which have recently filled the columns of the daily press, I do not +remember having seen any scheme for supplying the officers of the Allied +Armies with an Irish terrier apiece. And yet if MARIE VON VORST is to be +trusted, this is a very serious omission, for, had it not been for +_Pitchouné_, I fear that the gallant hero of _His Love Story_ (MILLS AND +BOON) would have perished in the Sahara and never have won the lady of +his heart. The _Comte de Sabron_ was forbidden by his military orders to +take a dog with him to Algiers, but _Pitchouné_ ran all the way from +Tarascon to Marseilles and jumped into the boat. Subsequently, when his +master was lying wounded in the desert, he tracked down the nearest +native village--twelve hours away--and barked till they sent out a +relief expedition. A boy scout could not do more, and, though my own +experience of Irish terriers has led me to think that they do not spend +over much time in the study of ordnance maps, yet for sentiment's sake, +and because _His Love Story_ is a charmingly written romance, I am ready +to believe in all the feats of _Pitchouné_, and even to hope that he +will not after all be _de trop_ now that _M. le Comte_ is happily +wedded, but may have another brilliantly successful campaign in front of +him. + + * * * * * + +Although Mrs. PENROSE'S new novel, _Something Impossible_ (MILLS AND +BOON), gaily admits in its title its difficulties, I cannot pretend that +I consider her to have made the most of her opportunity. There are at +least two classic examples of her theme, Mr. ANSTEY'S _Vice Versâ_ and +Mr. DE LA MARE'S _Return_. Mrs. PENROSE cannot approach either the +charming humour of the one or the delicate beauty of the other. On a +lower plane her story has its amusing moments, and there is a vein of +real tenderness in her picture of the relations of her hero and his +faithful lady--a happy relief after the monotonous repetition of +matrimonial infidelities dealt out to us by the average novel. It will +be a consolation also to many readers to discover that plain people are +far more popular than handsome ones and that to "have features of +classical beauty" is the most unfortunate of handicaps in the race for +comfort and success. Mrs. PENROSE, like many other women novelists, is +very cruel to her own sex and never misses an opportunity of exposing +its shallow sentiments and transient affections. But why are all +novelists of to-day so merciless to the provincial town? There must be +some pleasant people in Cathedral cities. I am weary of retired colonels +with port-stained faces, and vinegary old maids, and unctuous canons. +Mrs. PENROSE has shown in her earlier books so real a sense of beauty +and so touching a spirit of kindliness that I am bound to confess that, +with the exception of her treatment of her hero, this rather acid and +ironical piece of nonsense is a disappointment. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _The Small Man._ "IF I WAS AS WELL SET UP AS YOU I'D GO +AND FIGHT FOR MY COUNTRY, _I_ WOULD!" + +_The Large Man._ "NO GOOD, MATE, I'VE TRIED IT. TOLD ME AT THE WAR +OFFICE I WOULD SPOIL THE UNIFORM APPEARANCE OF ANY REGIMENT, SO I'M +WAITIN' TILL THEY RAISE A CORPS OF CINEMA GUARDS." + + * * * * * + +From the Emperor of AUSTRIA'S telegram to WILHELM II.: + + "Words fail to express what moves me, and with me my army, in these + days of the world's history." + +The word "Servia" might express what moves his army. + + * * * * * + +_The Scotsman_ on the condition of things in Norway:-- + + "Food supplies and rents are controlled by the Government, and + spirits and wines cannot be purchased. Most of the English people + have now left Norway." + +For other reasons, we hope. + + * * * * * + + "PLEASURE TOURS.--St. Petersburg from London _viâ_ Kiel Canal." + + _Advt. in "Times."_ + +Take your camera with you, and snap the jolly little German battleships +as you go past. The result of the recent fight off Heligoland should +increase your popularity. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +147, September 2nd, 1914, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 27055-8.txt or 27055-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/7/0/5/27055/ + +Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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September 2, 1914. By Various.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + p.ital {font-style: italic;} + p.author {text-align: right;} + em {font-style: normal;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.medium {width: 76%;} + html>body hr.medium {margin-right: 12%; margin-left: 12%; width: 76%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + hr.light {margin-right: 85%; margin-left: 10%; width: 5%;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt; text-indent: 0;} + + .poem + {margin-left:30%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + + .sc {font-variant: small-caps;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + .t {border-style: none; + margin-bottom: -1px;} + + .b {border-style: none; + margin-bottom: 1em;} + + .center {text-align: center;} + + pre {font-size: 75%; } + + </style> +</head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 147, +September 2nd, 1914, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 147, September 2nd, 1914 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: October 26, 2008 [EBook #27055] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<h1>PUNCH,<br /> + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + +<h2>VOLUME 147.</h2> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<h2>SEPTEMBER 2, 1914.</h2> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_193" id="Page_193">[Pg 193]</a></span> + +<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + +<p>Reports still continue to come in as to the outbursts of rage which took +place in Germany when the news of our participation in the War reached +that country. Seeing that we had merely been asked to allow our friends +to be robbed and murdered, our interference is looked upon as peculiarly +gratuitous.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>We hear, by the way, that the Germans, who hold Kiao-chau on a long +lease, appealed unsuccessfully to Leaseholders Protection Societies all +over the world to intervene in defence of their interests.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>We understand that a new version of the <span class="sc">Kaiser's</span> famous "Yellow Peril" +cartoon (it bore the inscription, "Nations of Europe, protect your +property!") is in preparation at Tokio, in which a jaundiced <span class="sc">Kaiser</span> is +delineated as the Yellow Peril.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Those persons who complain that the Allies are too frequently on the +defensive forget that it is very difficult to be as offensive as the +Germans.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>The report that among the troops which entered Brussels was a bear +dressed up in infamous taste to represent the King of the <span class="sc">Belgians</span> is +denied in Germany. It is quite possible that he was merely one of the +Prussian officers.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>The <i>Giornale d'Italia</i> reports that, at a meeting of cardinals held at +Rome, it was decided to issue an appeal to the belligerents to agree to +a truce pending the election of a new Pope. It is thought, however, that +the <span class="sc">Kaiser</span> will refuse even such a reasonable request as this.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>It is rumoured that <span class="sc">Wilhelm II</span>. has despatched all his British uniforms +to <span class="sc">King George</span>. This, anyhow, should be remembered to his credit. He did +not wish to disgrace them.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>The temptation to call the <span class="sc">Kaiser</span> names is, of course, almost +irresistible, but we are rather surprised to come across the following +head-lines in our serious contemporary, <i>The Observer</i>:—</p> + +<p>"Brussels—and After. The German Sweep."</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>There would seem to be no end to the social horrors of the War. The +Teuton journal <i>Manufakturist</i> is now prophesying that one of its +results will be the substitution of German for French fashions.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>The title of "The King of Prussia," one of the oldest licensed houses at +Barnet, is to be altered. Every effort, we understand, is being made in +Germany to keep the news from the <span class="sc">Kaiser</span>.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>People must not come down too heavily on <span class="sc">Keir Hardie</span>. We honestly +believe that he honestly believes that his little views are right. +That's what makes his case so sad.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>The Dominican Revolution, it is announced, has ended. It is supposed to +have been unable to stand the competition of the bigger war.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>There appears to be considerable difference of opinion as to whether +those persons who are in want of a holiday should take it as usual or +not. The "Take your Change" movement may be quite right for women and +children; but the "Leave your Change" movement is better still.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>According to <i>The Evening News</i> three elephants have been requisitioned +from the Zoo at the White City by the military authorities. In Berlin, +no doubt, this will be taken to signify that our heavy cavalry mounts +are giving out.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>The Committee of the Masters of the Foxhounds Association have decided +that, while regular hunting will be impossible, they consider it would +be most prejudicial to the country in general if it were allowed to +lapse altogether. In this, we understand, the Committee and the foxes do +not see eye to eye, the latter taking the view that hunting men ought +now to devote their entire attention to more important matters.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p><span class="sc">"Germans Driven Back From Antwerp"</span> read an indignant old lady. "Driven, +indeed!" she exclaimed; "I'd have made them walk!"</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>The statement issued to the Press by Messrs. <span class="sc">Sutton And Sons</span> to the +effect that large supplies of bulbs from Holland are now being delivered +at Reading in as good a condition as ever has, we hear, had a distinctly +steadying effect on the country at large.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>From Hoylake comes the news that certain persons who live in a street +there called Prussia Road have petitioned the Urban District Council for +a change of name—and it is rumoured that the Council, with a view to +saving the ratepayers' pockets, have hit upon the ingenious idea of +obliterating the first letter only of the present name—thereby also +paying a well-deserved compliment to a distinguished ally.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>A clerk who left a month ago for a week in lovely Lucerne and has only +just been able to get back found his employer (a merchant with a strain +of German blood in his veins) quite angry. "I have half a mind to +dismiss you for exceeding your leave," he said. "However, you are useful +to me. Only please understand that you have now had your holiday for the +next three years as well."</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%"> +<a href="images/193.png"> +<img src="images/193.png" width="100%" alt=""Special constables who can speak German are +particularly required." /></a><br /><br /> +<p>["Special constables who can speak German are +particularly required."—<i>Daily paper.</i>]</p><br /> +<p><i>Special Constable</i> (<i>having cornered his man</i>). <span class="sc">"Sprechen Sie Deutsch?"</span></p> +<p><i>Suspect.</i> <span class="sc">"Nein! Nein!"</span></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>"A sow has given birth to a freak of nature. The animal's face is +almost human in appearance, it has neither eyes nor nostrils, but a +nose like a fish."</p> +</div> +<p class="author"><i>Sheffield Daily Telegraph.</i></p> +<p>This is like none of our friends.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_194" id="Page_194">[Pg 194]</a></span> + +<h2>THE AVENGERS.</h2> + +<center>(<i>To our Soldiers in the field.</i>)</center> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Not only that your cause is just and right—</p> +<p class="i2">This much was never doubted; war or play,</p> +<p class="i0">We go with clean hands into any fight;</p> +<p class="i2">That is our English way;—</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Not this high thought alone shall brace your thews</p> +<p class="i2">To trample under heel those Vandal hordes</p> +<p class="i0">Who laugh when blood of mother and babe imbrues</p> +<p class="i2">Their damnéd craven swords.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">But here must be hot passion, white of flame,</p> +<p class="i2">Pure hate of this unutterable wrong,</p> +<p class="i0">Sheer wrath for Christendom so sunk in shame,</p> +<p class="i2">To make you trebly strong.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">These smoking hearths of fair and peaceful lands,</p> +<p class="i2">This reeking trail of deeds abhorred of Hell,</p> +<p class="i0">They cry aloud for vengeance at your hands,</p> +<p class="i2">Ruthless and swift and fell.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Strike, then—and spare not—for the innocent dead</p> +<p class="i2">Who lie there, stark beneath the weeping skies,</p> +<p class="i0">As though you saw your dearest in their stead</p> +<p class="i2">Butchered before your eyes.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">And though the guiltless pay for others guilt</p> +<p class="i2">Who preached these brute ideals in camp and Court;</p> +<p class="i0">Though lives of brave and gentle foes be spilt,</p> +<p class="i2">That loathe this coward sport;</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">On each, without distinction, worst or best,</p> +<p class="i2">Fouled by a nation's crime, one doom must fall;</p> +<p class="i0">Be you its instrument, and leave the rest</p> +<p class="i2">To <span class="sc">God</span>, the Judge of all</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Let it be said of you, when sounds at length</p> +<p class="i2">Over the final field the victor's strain:—</p> +<p class="i0">"They struck at infamy with all their strength,</p> +<p class="i2">And earth is clean again!"</p> +</div></div> + +<p class="author">O. S.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>HOW GERMANY CAME OFF.</h2> + +<p>(<i>Extracts from a diary kept at intervals by a very special +correspondent in the Dardanelles.</i>)</p> + +<p><i><span class="sc">Goeben</span></i> arrives Dardanelles. Announcement of sale to Turkey and of +disembarcation of German crew.</p> + +<p><i>Goeben</i> still in Dardanelles. Having been disposed of to Turkey, the +ship again disembarced her crew.</p> + +<p><i>Goeben</i> continuing in Dardanelles, the disembarcation of German crew, +which was completed three days ago and again yesterday, began again +to-day and was carried out successfully.</p> + +<p>The <i>Goeben</i> still being at anchor in the Dardanelles, it was decided to +carry out a disembarcation of her German crew on a scale surpassing all +previous efforts.</p> + +<p>The <i>Goeben</i> continues in the Dardanelles. Owing to the remarkable +expertness which her crew has acquired, it was possible to carry out +three disembarcations this afternoon. The officer commanding, indeed, +proposes shortly to issue a challenge to ships of all nationalities for +the Open Disembarcation Championship of the World.</p> + +<p>The <i>Goeben</i> remains in the Dardanelles. In response to a pressing +request from great masses of the Turkish population, who have been +unable before to witness the ceremony, it has been decided again to +disembark the German crew, and, beginning to-morrow at 10 <span class="sc">A.M.</span>, the +impressive spectacle will be gone through at regular intervals of an +hour throughout the day. All the railway companies have announced cheap +excursions, and there can be no doubt that these disembarcations will +easily surpass all earlier ones.</p> + +<p>The German crew of the <i>Goeben</i> are agitating for an eight-hour day.</p> + +<p>Instructions having reached the crew of the <i>Goeben</i> to return to +Germany, a magnificent Farewell Disembarcation took place last night. At +its conclusion sympathisers presented an illuminated address bearing the +following inscription "To the crew of the <i>Goeben</i> on the occasion of +their final disembarcation before leaving for the Fatherland."</p> + +<p><i>Later.</i>—Arrival of the crew of the <i>Goeben</i> at Kiel. Great popular +enthusiasm. <span class="sc">Kaiser</span> orders a Special Disembarcation to take place before +entire Fleet, a duplicate cruiser (in the regretable absence of the +<i>Goeben</i>) being lent for the purpose.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE TRUCE.</h2> + +<p><span class="sc">Peace</span> reigns in the club-house on the links. The young men have nearly +all gone, and Morris, our veteran "plus two" member, who generally only +condescends to go round with the pro. and one or two choice players, is +eager for a match with anyone. Only you must play for five shillings for +his wife's branch of the Red Cross Society.</p> + +<p>In the smoke-room over our pipes—cigars are considered wasteful and bad +form—the old conversational warriors look at one another. I glance +across at Sellars, a member of that loathsome, I should say highly +admirable, institution, the National Liberal Club. It is not six weeks +since I denounced him as a pestilent traitor because he demanded, for +some reason, that escapes me, the blockade of a city called Belfast. +And, if I remember, he alluded to me as a traitorous tamperer with the +Army. But now I praise the admirable patriotism of <span class="sc">John Redmond</span>; I +eulogise the financial genius of <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span>; I grow +fervid as I rhapsodise about <span class="sc">Winston</span>.</p> + +<p>Then Sellars interposes, "My dear fellow, why do you forget the splendid +abnegation of Sir <span class="sc">Edward Carson</span>? As for <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span> he may have done +well, but hasn't he <span class="sc">Austen</span> at his elbow all the time? Talk about <span class="sc">Winston</span> +if you like, but, after all, he has only muzzled the German fleet. <span class="sc">F. E. +Smith</span> has done a far more wonderful thing. He has muzzled the British +Press."</p> + +<p>Peace! It is wonderful. Only at the back of my mind there is one sad +thought which I strive to put away from me. Suppose a General Election +comes whilst the war is still on. I, as a patriot, shall have to vote +for the splendid Government. It will be Sellars' duty and joy to support +our splendid Opposition. And, if we all act in the same way, we shall +have those wretched—what funny slips one's pen makes!—those adorable +Radicals back in power for another five years.</p> + +<p>But when the war is over and we see a free Europe I promise myself one +reward. The night when peace is proclaimed I shall seek out Sellars and +tell him just what I think about <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span>; and I haven't the +slightest doubt that he will celebrate the occasion by some venomous +abuse of <span class="sc">Bonar Law</span>.</p> + +<p>You see at present we are handicapped; we are just Englishmen.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>Another Impending Apology.</h3> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>"The first editor of <span class="sc">Golfing</span> was Mr. Thomas Marlowe, who is now +editor of the <i>Daily Mail</i>. On the other hand, there have been +several editors of <span class="sc">Golfing</span> who have since risen to positions of +distinction."—<i>Golfing.</i></p></div> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_195" id="Page_195">[Pg 195]</a></span> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%"> +<a href="images/195.png"> +<img src="images/195.png" width="100%" alt="TO ARMS!" /></a> +<h3>TO ARMS!</h3> +<p><span class="sc">Recruiting-sergeant Punch.</span> "NOW, MY LADS, YOUR +COUNTRY WANTS YOU. WHO'S FOR THE FRONT?"</p> +</div> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_196" id="Page_196">[Pg 196]</a></span> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_197" id="Page_197">[Pg 197]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/197.png"> +<img src="images/197.png" width="100%" alt="UNDER MARTIAL LAW." /></a> +<h3>UNDER MARTIAL LAW.</h3> +<p><span class="sc">"Now mind, Mary, if a sentry asks you who you are, you must immediately +answer, 'Friend.'"<br /> +"Yes, 'm, but what am I to say if he asks me how baby is?"</span></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE ATTACK ON GERMAN TRADE.</h2> + +<p>Those mistaken persons who maintain that "music has no frontiers" have +been sharply rebuked by the patriotic action of the management of +certain concerts, who boldly opened the season by expelling all German +music from their programmes. It is all very well to say that this is +confounding the Germany that we honour and admire with the Germany of +the other sort, of which we have had more than enough. The step has been +taken on the highest patriotic grounds, and although the ban has been +partially removed since the season began, it is clearly indicated that +this conciliatory attitude will only last so long as the main German +fleet continues to skulk behind the defences of Kiel. If there is any +aggressive movement, then let it be understood that <span class="sc">Tschaikowski's</span> +<i>Pathètique</i> Symphony will be worn threadbare by nightly repetition +sooner than that we should have any truck with <span class="sc">Brahms</span>, <span class="sc">Wagner</span> or <span class="sc">Bach</span>.</p> + +<p>Already the occupation of Brussels has caused the scratching (at the +very last moment) of the <span class="sc">Schumann</span> concerto.</p> + +<p>Of course there is more in it than meets the eye. If all German music is +eliminated there are bound to be prodigious gaps which must be filled up +somehow. Very well. The result can only be a new state of activity in +the home composing industry. This is no time for giving away secrets, +but perhaps we may be allowed to say that the continued attendance last +week of Sir <span class="sc">Henry Wood</span> at the offices of the Board of Trade can only +mean that he too is taking his part in a comprehensive and +well-considered plan for making war on German industries. Now is the +time for the native producer to get to work. Germany must once and for +all be ousted from this market. There need be no difficulty in obtaining +samples, and we look to British industry and enterprise to do the rest.</p> + +<p>We are not sure that neutrals should be allowed into this thing. An +exception might be made in the case of Italy, but, apart from her, we +should limit the exotic features in our programmes to the works of our +allies in the field. It might give a needed fillip to the national music +of Japan.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>How it strikes our Contemporaries.</h3> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>"Yesterday's eclipse of the sun was itself eclipsed by the world +shadow. Shortly after noon a large inky blot obscured nearly +three-quarters of the sun's surface and a violet haze hung over +London, but very few people were heeding the phenomenon in the sky. +The hawkers, even, were too busy selling patriotic favours to offer +smoked glasses."—<i>Daily Mail.</i></p></div> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>"Londoners did not permit the war to eclipse the eclipse. The +hawkers' cry, 'Smoked glass a penny,' was heard everywhere, and +there was a ready sale for the pieces of glass which enabled one to +view the darkening of the sun." <i>Daily Mirror.</i></p></div> + +<p>The allies should come to a better agreement than this.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>"Spies Output Down Again," says a contemporary, and we were just going +to congratulate the authorities when we discovered that it referred to a +Petroleum Company.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_198" id="Page_198">[Pg 198]</a></span></p> + +<h2>THE FATAL GIFT.</h2> + +<p>People say to me sometimes, "Oh, <i>you</i> know Woolman, don't you?" I +acknowledge that I do, and, after the silence that always ensues, I add, +"If you want to say anything against him, please go on." You can almost +hear the sigh of relief that goes up. "I thought he was a friend of +yours," they say cheerfully. "But, of course, if——" and then they +begin.</p> + +<p>I think it is time I explained my supposed friendship for Ernest +Merrowby Woolman—confound him.</p> + +<p>The affair began in a taxicab two years ago. Andrew had been dining with +me that night; we walked out to the cab-rank together; I told the driver +where to go, and Andrew stepped in, waved good-bye to me from the +window, and sat down suddenly upon something hard. He drew it from +beneath him, and found it was an extremely massive (and quite new) +silver cigar-case. He put it in his pocket with the intention of giving +it to the driver when he got out, but quite naturally forgot. Next +morning he found it on his dressing-table. So he put it in his pocket +again, meaning to leave it at Scotland Yard on his way to the City.</p> + +<p>Next morning it was on his dressing-table again.</p> + +<p>This went on for some days. After a week or so Andrew saw that it was +hopeless to try to get a cigar-case back to Scotland Yard in this casual +sort of way; it must be taken there deliberately by somebody who had a +morning to spare and was willing to devote it to this special purpose. +He placed the case, therefore, prominently on a small table in the +dining-room to await the occasion; calling also the attention of his +family to it, as an excuse for an outing when they were not otherwise +engaged.</p> + +<p>At times he used to say, "I must really take that cigar-case to Scotland +Yard to-morrow."</p> + +<p>At other times he would say, "Somebody must really take that cigar-case +to Scotland Yard to-day."</p> + +<p>And so the weeks rolled on ...</p> + +<p>It was about a year later that I first got mixed up with the thing. I +must have dined with the Andrews several times without noticing the +cigar-case, but on this occasion it caught my eye as we wandered out to +join the ladies, and I picked it up carelessly. Well, not exactly +carelessly; it was too heavy for that.</p> + +<p>"Why didn't you tell me," I said, "that you had stood for Parliament and +that your supporters had consoled you with a large piece of plate? +Hallo, they've put the wrong initials on it. How unbusiness-like."</p> + +<p>"Oh, <i>that</i>?" said Andrew. "Is it still there?"</p> + +<p>"Why not? It's quite a solid little table. But you haven't explained why +your constituents, who must have seen your name on hundreds of posters, +thought your initials were E. M. W."</p> + +<p>Andrew explained.</p> + +<p>"Then it isn't yours at all?" I said in amazement.</p> + +<p>"Of course not."</p> + +<p>"But, my dear man, this is theft. Stealing by finding, they call it. You +could get"—I looked at him almost with admiration—"you could get two +years for this;" and I weighed the cigar-case in my hand. "I believe you +'re the only one of my friends who could be certain of two years," I +went on musingly. "Let's see, there's——"</p> + +<p>"Nonsense," said Andrew uneasily. "But still, perhaps I'd better take it +back to Scotland Yard to-morrow."</p> + +<p>"And tell them you've kept it for a year? They'd run you in at once. No, +what you want to do is to get rid of it without their knowledge. But +how—that's the question. You can't give it away because of the +initials."</p> + +<p>"It's easy enough. I can leave it in another cab, or drop it in the +river."</p> + +<p>"Andrew, Andrew," I cried, "you're determined to go to prison! Don't you +know from all the humorous articles you've ever read that, if you <i>try</i> +to lose anything, then you never can? It's one of the stock remarks one +makes to women in the endeavour to keep them amused. No, you must think +of some more subtle way of disposing of it."</p> + +<p>"I'll pretend it's yours," said Andrew more subtly, and he placed it in +my pocket.</p> + +<p>"No, you don't," I said. "But I tell you what I will do. I'll take it +for a week and see if I can get rid of it. If I can't, I shall give it +you back and wash my hands of the whole business—except, of course, for +the monthly letter or whatever it is they allow you at the Scrubbs. You +may still count on me for that."</p> + +<p>And then the extraordinary thing happened. The next morning I received a +letter from a stranger, asking for some simple information which I could +have given him on a post-card. And so I should have done—or possibly, I +am afraid, have forgotten to answer at all—but for the way that the +letter ended up.</p> + +<p> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">"<i>Yours very truly</i>,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 3em;"><i><span class="sc">Ernest M. Woolman.</span></i>"</span><br /> +</p> + +<p>The magic initials! It was a chance not to be missed. I wrote +enthusiastically back and asked him to lunch.</p> + +<p>He came. I gave him all the information he wanted, and lots more. +Whether he was a pleasant sort of person or not I hardly noticed; I was +so very pleasant myself.</p> + +<p>He returned my enthusiasm. He asked me to dine with him the following +week. A little party at the Savoy—his birthday, you know.</p> + +<p>I accepted gladly. I rolled up at the party with my little present ... a +massive silver cigar-case ... suitably engraved.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>So there you are. He clings to me. He seems to have formed the absurd +idea that I am fond of him. A few months after that evening at the Savoy +he was married. I was invited to the wedding—confound him. Of course I +had to live up to my birthday present; the least I could do was an +enormous silver cigar-box (not engraved), which bound me to him still +more strongly.</p> + +<p>By that time I realised that I hated him. He was pushing, familiar, +everything that I disliked. All my friends wondered how I had become so +intimate with him ...</p> + +<p>Well, now they know. And the original E. M. W., if he has the sense to +read this article, knows. If he cares to prosecute Ernest Merrowby +Woolman for being in possession of stolen goods I shall be glad to give +him any information. Woolman is generally to be found leaving my rooms +at about 6.30 in the evening, and a smart detective could easily nab him +as he stops out.</p> + +<p class="author">A. A. M.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>FORTUNE'S FAVOURITE.</h2> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Dear maiden of the sunny head</p> +<p class="i2">And cheeks of coral hue,</p> +<p class="i0">The lips of rarest ruby red,</p> +<p class="i2">The eyes of Oxford blue,</p> +<p class="i0">And other charms I've left unsaid ...</p> +<p class="i2">Ah, how I envy you!</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Heedless of half a world at war</p> +<p class="i2">You neither strive nor cry;</p> +<p class="i0">Though danger knocks at England's door</p> +<p class="i2">There's laughter in your sky:</p> +<p class="i0">You ask not what she's fighting for,</p> +<p class="i2">Nor reck the reason why.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">You little guess, you never will,</p> +<p class="i2">The force that nerves this fist</p> +<p class="i0">To toil away for you until</p> +<p class="i2">My mind is like a mist;</p> +<p class="i0">The lack of money for the mill,</p> +<p class="i2">The growing dearth of grist.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Ah, since amid a world grown wild,</p> +<p class="i2">And horrors still half told,</p> +<p class="i0">Peace has her palace round you piled,</p> +<p class="i2">By all the gods I hold</p> +<p class="i0">You are a very lucky child,</p> +<p class="i2">My little Nine-months-old.</p> +</div></div> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_199" id="Page_199">[Pg 199]</a></span></p><hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/199.png"> +<img src="images/199.png" width="100%" alt="Officer Commanding Squad (about to cross Waterloo +Bridge)" /></a> +<p><i>Officer Commanding Squad (about to cross Waterloo +Bridge).</i> <span class="sc">"'Alt! Break step! Large columns of troops when crossin' +Bridges is commanded to 'break step' so that the unison of their tread +may not dangerously threaten the sterbility of the bridge."</span></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>A CANDIDATE FOR THE FORCE.</h2> + +<p>"I want to enrol myself as a Special Constable," I said to the man in +mufti behind the desk.</p> + +<p>"Well, don't let me stop you," he remarked. "The Police Station is next +door. This is a steam laundry."</p> + +<p>A minute later I began again:—</p> + +<p>"I want to enrol myself as a Steam Laund—that is to say, as a Special +Constable."</p> + +<p>"Certainly, Sir," said the Inspector in charge. "Your name and address?"</p> + +<p>I opened my cigarette-case and placed a card on the desk.</p> + +<p>"The name of the house is pronounced <i>Song Soocee</i>," I said, "not, as +spelt, Sans Souci."</p> + +<p>The Inspector handed me back the card. It was a cigarette-picture +representing the proper method of bandaging a displaced knee-cap. I +rectified the error, and he entered the information in a book.</p> + +<p>"I must ask if you are a British subject?" he inquired.</p> + +<p>"You might almost describe me as super-British," I replied. "There is a +tradition in my family that my ancestors were on Hastings Pier when the +Conqueror arrived."</p> + +<p>"Thank you. That will be all."</p> + +<p>"You don't want me to give references, one of which must be a clergyman +or a J.P.? You don't require me to state previous experience, if any, or +any details of that sort?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, no," he answered. "That'll be all right. You are no doubt familiar +with squad drill?"</p> + +<p>"Splendid! I had no idea it was used in the Force."</p> + +<p>"Eight turn—left turn—about turn—form fours—and so on?"</p> + +<p>"I beg your pardon," I said, "but what did you call that?"</p> + +<p>"Squad drill, Sir."</p> + +<p>"O-o-h! I thought you said 'quadrille.' But I know the turns. Right turn, +I turn to the right; left turn, I turn to the left; about turn, I turn +just about, but not quite; form fours, I form—excuse me, but how does +<i>one</i> man form fours?"</p> + +<p>"There will, of course, be others," replied the Inspector. "You'll soon +pick it up. And please state at what hours of the day you would be +prepared to take duty."</p> + +<p>"Well," I said, "I've practically nothing to do from the time I get +up—half-past ten—until mid-day. I could also manage to spare +half-an-hour between afternoon-tea and dinner. And I could just drop in +here about eleven at night to see if things were going along all right. +Now, if you'll kindly fetch me a bull's-eye lantern, a life-preserver, a +bullet-proof tunic, some indiarubber boots, a revolver, and a letter of +introduction to some of the most skilful cooks in the neighbourhood I +can put in one crowded hour of joyous life before I'm due on the links."</p> + +<p>"Just a moment," said the Inspector. "I don't want to discourage you, +but kindly cast your eye over these paragraphs;" and he handed me a +printed circular. "You will see that it will be necessary for you to +perform four consecutive hours' duty."</p> + +<p>"Good heavens," I exclaimed, "I don't think I shall be able to manage +that. I'm in the middle of an important jig-saw; I'm expecting a new +motor-car to arrive any minute; and I<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_200" id="Page_200">[Pg 200]</a></span> have a slight head-cold. However, +if my country calls me, I will see what can be arranged."</p> + +<p>I noticed the Inspector's look of admiration at my bull-dog resolution, +so to hide my blushes I perused the circular.</p> + +<p>"I see," I said, "that we are each supplied with 'one armlet.' What's an +armlet?".</p> + +<p>"A badge that goes round your arm."</p> + +<p>"Of course! How stupid of me! Just like a bracelet goes round one's—no, +that won't do. Just like a gimlet goes—no, that doesn't either. I can't +think of a simile, but I quite understand. Then we have 'one whistle.' +What's that for? To whistle on if I feel lonely?"</p> + +<p>"To summon assistance if you should require it."</p> + +<p>"I have an idea that my whistle will be overworked. Shall I be able to +get a new one when the original's worn out?"</p> + +<p>The Inspector thought there would be no difficulty in my getting +rewhistled.</p> + +<p>"'One truncheon,'" I continued. "That, of course, is to trunch with. One +truncheon, though, seems rather niggardly. I should prefer two, one in +each hand. 'One note-book'—is that for autographs and original +contributions from my brother Specials?"</p> + +<p>"For noting names and addresses and details of cases," explained the +Inspector. "For instance, if, when on duty, you saw Jack Johnson +committing a breach of the peace you would—"</p> + +<p>"Blow my whistle hard—"</p> + +<p>"Certainly not. You would take his name and address and note it down."</p> + +<p>"And if he refused it I could then whistle for help?"</p> + +<p>"No, you would at once arrest him."</p> + +<p>"What's the earliest possible moment at which it would be etiquette to +blow my whistle?"</p> + +<p>"When he offered resistance. Then you could whistle."</p> + +<p>"No, I couldn't," I said, "not unless my equipment included one pair of +bellows. Do you mean to tell me that I should be expected to arrest a +man of infinitely superior physique to my own with no other weapons than +one armlet, one whistle, one truncheon and one note-book? Surely I should +be allowed to run for the Mayor and get him to read the Riot Act? If +not, I can only say a policeman's lot is——"</p> + +<p>"Not a happy one?" put in the Inspector.</p> + +<p>"I was going to say a policeman's lot is a lot too much. Would you +kindly cross my name off your list?"</p> + +<p>"I crossed it off some minutes ago," replied the Inspector.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE WATCH DOGS.</h2> + +<h3>II.</h3> + +<p><span class="sc">Dear Charles</span>,—Another letter from the back of the front for you. You +will be glad to hear that your Terrier is settling down in his temporary +kennel and sharpening his teeth in due course. The time will come when +you may look your gift dog in the mouth and be not disappointed, we +hope, by the view.</p> + +<p>We received orders a day or two ago to take up our beds and walk; that +is, a couple of officers and a hundred odd of the men were told off to +execute a flank movement on a neighbouring township where there is a +range, and do our damnedest with the poor old targets. So we put our +oddments in our pillow-case, rolled up our bedrooms into a convenient +bundle and trekked. We were assured that we should be back at our base +within the week, but we have learnt to take no chances. We have but one +form of movement, the <i>tout ensemble</i>.</p> + +<p>It is quite refreshing to step, over a hundred strong, into a village +with no pre-arranged scheme of board and lodging. Like every other +wanderer in a strange part, we turn first to the policeman. We march +towards him at attention; we call a halt at the base of his feet, and +then, with the courtesy of the gentleman and the brevity of the soldier, +we inform him that we have arrived. The next development is up to him.</p> + +<p>It is not to him, however, that we owe our temporary rest. It is to that +irrepressible and indefatigable unit, the Boy Scout. Charles, I believe +we'd all be lying out in the rain at this moment but for that +assistance. The equipment of the Boy Scout on billeting duty consists of +a piece of white chalk and a menacing demeanour. Thus armed, he knocks +at every likely door, wishes the householder a good morning and +registers on the door-frame the number of men that may be left till +called for within, even while the policeman is still endeavouring to +explain the international situation and the military exigencies to the +slow-thinking rustic. Many formidable obstacles lie in our path, we +know, but we are comforted by the thought that the Boy Scout isn't one +of them. If, in the next generation, Britain continues to exist as a +nation and not as a depôt for the training of waiters in the Berlin +restaurants, then indeed we shall have something to rely on in these +adaptable young fellows.</p> + +<p>The host upon whom we officers were thrust was quite polite as long as +our Boy Scout stood by, but, left to himself, turned out crusty. He was +rather too old to turn into the perfect hotel proprietor all in a +minute, and, as he put it, "he couldn't see his way" to do this and that +for us. He was prepared to do all he had to do, but no more. +Unfortunately we were not as well up in the regulations as our youthful +and now departed protector. So we went out and did a bit of billeting on +our own. It is an odd experience, this knocking at somebody's door and, +upon being asked what one has come for, answering, "To stay." For +ourselves we thought that the Rector would be a good man to experiment +on. These parsons are used to being victimised and are known not to be +too harsh upon the delinquent. So off we went to the Rectory, +significantly handling our hilts and twirling our military stubbles. But +the essence of war is surprise, and it was the Rector's wife who +confronted our attack.</p> + +<p>I said, upon enquiry, that I couldn't say what we wanted but placed +myself unreservedly in my colleague's hands. I then took a pace to the +rear and prepared to retire in good order. Robertson's whole efforts +were concentrated on refraining from taking off his cap, as behoves a +gentleman, but not an officer, and the Rector's wife remained amiable +but on the defensive. Charles, our position was a hopeless one and our +careers had concluded then and there but for the arrival of the ally. +Boy Scouts are as tactful as they are forgiving; he accepted our +explanation and apology to himself and he explained for us and +apologised to the Rector's wife. It was little he had to say, for never +was a less reluctant and more efficient billettee. This kind lady has +not only made our sojourn one long series of simple luxuries, she has +been through the whole of our kit and washed and repaired the lot. Think +what you may about the Church when you are a civilian in affluence, but +when you are a soldier in distress turn to it first for succour.</p> + +<p>Lastly, a minor incident of a regretable nature. Halting on the march +yesterday for our transport to catch up (our transport is known as +Lieutenant Pearson's Circus) I discovered one of our dusty thirsty +warriors having made his illegal entrance into a public-house by an +emergency door. There he stood with a glisten in his eyes and his hand +just about to grasp the pewter pot! Out he went under sentence of death +by slow torture, and there was I left, with a thirst such as I have +never before believed to be possible, alone with a pewter pot, with the +foam just brimming over the top ... alone, unseen, undiscoverable ...</p> + +<p> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Your fallen Friend,</span><br /><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;"><span class="sc">Henry</span>.</span><br /> +</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_201" id="Page_201">[Pg 201]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/201.png"> +<img src="images/201.png" width="100%" alt="THE LANGUAGE OF THE HOUR." /></a> +<h3>THE LANGUAGE OF THE HOUR.</h3> +<p><i>Irate Lady (firing Parthian shot after marital misunderstanding).</i> +"Yer—yer bloomin' Oolan!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>LITERARY GOSSIP.</h2> + +<p>The Autumn publishing season will undoubtedly be affected by the war, +several firms having decided to withhold most of their forthcoming +books. Messrs. Odder and Thynne, however, being convinced that the +reading public cannot subsist entirely on newspapers, have with great +public spirit resolved to publish their full programme, which is +unusually full of works of interest.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>The foremost place in their list is allotted to Principal Toshley +Potts's volume of essays, which bear the attractive title of <i>The Hill +of Havering</i>. Principal Potts was recently hailed by Sir <span class="sc">Nicholson +Roberts</span> as "the Scots A. C. Benson," and this felicitous analogy will, +we feel sure, be triumphantly vindicated by the contents of this +epoch-making work, which by the way is dedicated to Dr. Emery Cawker, of +the University of Brashville, Ga.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Another work of outstanding significance is a volume of poems, entitled +<i>Kailyard Carols</i>, from the accomplished pen of Mr. Alan Bodgers, whom +Mr. <span class="sc">David Lyall</span>, in a three-column article in the <i>Penman</i>, recently +declared to be the finest lyric poet since <span class="sc">Shelley</span>, and Mr. <span class="sc">Lyall</span> seldom +makes a mistake. Mr. Bodgers, it may be added, is the sub-editor of the +<i>Kilspindie Courant</i>, and has a handicap of twenty-two at the local golf +club.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Very welcome also is the announcement that Professor Hector McGollop has +undertaken to edit a series of Manuals of Moral Uplift, to which he will +contribute the opening volume on <i>The Art of Unction</i>. Other +contributors to the series are Dr. Talisker Dinwiddie, Principal Marcus +Tonks and the Rev. Bandley Chadd.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>In the department of fiction the most remarkable of the novelties +promised by Messrs. Odder and Thynne is <i>The Nut's Progress</i>, by Mr. +<span class="sc">Ewan Straw</span>. It will be remembered that in a four-column review of Mr. +<span class="sc">Straw's</span> last book, <i>Nothing Doing</i>, which appeared in the Xmas number of +the <i>Book Booster</i>, Sir <span class="sc">Clement Shorthouse</span> declared that this talented +fictionist combined the lilt of <span class="sc">Frank Smedley</span> (the author of <i>Frank +Fairleigh</i>) with the whimsicality of <span class="sc">Barrie</span> and the austere morality of +<span class="sc">Annie Swan</span>. Otherwise we may be sure the firm of Odder and Thynne would +never have published a work with so risky a title.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>Perhaps.</h3> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Of wolves that wear sheep's clothing</p> +<p class="i2">The world has long been full,</p> +<p class="i0">But I've a special loathing</p> +<p class="i2">For one in Berlin wool.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Although the wool may cover</p> +<p class="i2">Not more than half the beast,</p> +<p class="i0">Perhaps when all is over</p> +<p class="i2">He'll be entirely fleeced.</p> +</div></div> + +<p class="author">W. W.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<center>"<span class="sc">Magnificent Bequest to the Louvre.</span><br /><br /> +Sunspot Visible to the Naked Eye."</center> +<p class="author"><i>Times.</i></p> +<center>France seems to have acquired Germany's spot in the sun.</center><br /> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_202" id="Page_202">[Pg 202]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/202.png"> +<img src="images/202.png" width="100%" alt="Mother, shall we +have to kill Fräulein?" /></a><br /><br /> +<p><i>Ethel (in apprehensive whisper which easily reaches her +German governess, to whom she is deeply attached).</i> "<span class="sc">Mother, shall we +have to kill Fräulein?"</span></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>REASONING IN THE RANKS.</h2> + +<p>[<i>Several journals have pointed out that the type of recruit now +offering himself is in a high degree capable of reasoning and +initiative.</i>]</p> + +<p>"Now I want any of you who are puzzled about anything to ask questions +about it," said the instructing sergeant-major ... and anon:</p> + +<p>"Right about, Number 3 of the front rank! There is no such thing as left +about turn. Squad, form——"</p> + +<p>"Excuse me," interrupted Number 3, "but why do you say that there is no +such thing as left about turn?"</p> + +<p>"Because there isn't," said the sergeant-major unsympathetically.</p> + +<p>"But, my good man," urged Number 3, "there must be. I've just done it. +Why, look here!"</p> + +<p>He did it again.</p> + +<p>"Such a movement is not in the drill-book," said the sergeant-major +curtly.</p> + +<p>"But," protested Number 3, "you told us yourself only yesterday that +very few of the total possible commands <i>are</i> in the drill-book. For +instance, there is no provision for lining a railway embankment, often, +I understand, a salutary and even vital evolution."</p> + +<p>The sergeant-major considered.</p> + +<p>"There's no use," he said at last weightily, "'avin' <i>two</i> ways of doin' +anything when one will do. It is generally considered that right about +turn is enough ways of turning about for any one man."</p> + +<p>"By all means," admitted the recruit generously, "let us be frugal. +Frugality is the mainspring of efficiency. One way of turning about is +ample for me. But why right rather than left?"</p> + +<p>"Because right's right, and that's all there is to it," said the +sergeant-major, who was tiring of the argument.</p> + +<p>"Exactly," admitted Number 3, "and left's left, and <i>that</i> leaves us +just where we started. Now if the War Office had tossed up and made a +general decision in favour of right I could understand the position. But +my impression is that this is not so. Thus, if I were to step off with +the right foot——"</p> + +<p>"Shut your face," said the sergeant-major, "and do what you're told. +Squad! A-bout—— Turn!"</p> + +<p>"Reasoning," observed Number 3, "is lost upon yonder survival of the old +school of stereotyped militarism. The hour for initiative has arrived."</p> + +<p>And by way of protest he executed a neat left about turn.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>GUNS OF VERDUN</h2> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Guns of Verdun point to Metz</p> +<p class="i0">From the plated parapets;</p> +<p class="i0">Guns of Metz grin back again</p> +<p class="i0">O'er the fields of fair Lorraine.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Guns of Metz are long and grey</p> +<p class="i0">Growling through a summer day;</p> +<p class="i0">Guns of Verdun, grey and long,</p> +<p class="i0">Boom an echo of their song.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Guns of Metz to Verdun roar,</p> +<p class="i0">"Sisters, you shall foot the score;"</p> +<p class="i0">Guns of Verdun say to Metz,</p> +<p class="i0">"Fear not, for we pay our debts."</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Guns of Metz they grumble, "When?"</p> +<p class="i0">Guns of Verdun answer then,</p> +<p class="i0">"Sisters, when to guard Lorraine</p> +<p class="i0">Gunners lay you East again!"</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_203" id="Page_203">[Pg 203]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/203.png"> +<img src="images/203.png" width="100%" alt="AT THE POST OF HONOUR" /></a> +<h3>AT THE POST OF HONOUR.</h3> +<p><span class="sc">Liberty</span> (<i>to Belgium</i>)—"TAKE COMFORT. YOUR COURAGE IS VINDICATED; YOUR +WRONGS SHALL BE AVENGED."</p> +</div> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_204" id="Page_204">[Pg 204]</a></span> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_205" id="Page_205">[Pg 205]</a></span> + +<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + +<center>(<span class="sc">Extracted from the Diary of Toby, M.P.</span>)</center> + +<p><i>House of Lords, Tuesday, Aug. 25.</i>—After fortnight's recess Parliament +meets again. Scene mightily changed. At time of adjournment country on +brink of war. Now in thick of it.</p> + +<p>Contrary to custom interest centred in Chamber at this end of corridor. +Man of the moment is the tall strongly-framed figure that enters on +stroke of appointed hour and marches with soldierly step to Ministerial Bench. +This is <span class="sc">Kitchener</span>, Secretary of +State for War, primed with message from the Army which, making its first +stand at Mons, had a baptism of fire that lasted thirty-six hours.</p> + +<p>With characteristic modesty the new Minister seated himself at lower end +of Bench. <span class="sc">Crewe</span> presently arriving signalled him to come up higher. +Accordingly seated himself next to <span class="sc">Leader of House</span>. Thence rose at +half-past four to make his maiden speech, a deliverance effected under +rarely momentous circumstances. Brought with him one of those "scraps of +paper" which the <span class="sc">Kaiser</span> scorns when they contain such trifling matter as +a solemn treaty with a neighbouring nation. On this <span class="sc">Kitchener</span>, more at +home on the battlefield than in a place where a man's business is to +talk, had written his speech.</p> + +<p>It was brief, manly, simple. Made haste to point out that, though +associated with the Cabinet, holding high office in the Government, his +appearance on the Ministerial Bench did not imply that he belonged to +any political party.</p> + +<p>"As a soldier," he said, "I have no politics."</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 30%"> +<a href="images/205.png"> +<img src="images/205.png" width="100%" alt="Another Scrap of Paper." /></a> +<span class="sc">"Another Scrap of Paper."<br /> +K. of K.</span> +</div> + +<p>House startled to hear him add that his occupation of the post of +Secretary of State for War is temporary. Terms of his service are those +of the recruits for the new Army. He is engaged to serve during the war. +If it lasts longer than three years, then for three years only.</p> + +<p>Faced by grim suggestion that the war just opening may last for three +years, a deeper gravity fell over listening House. <span class="sc">Kitchener</span> +pre-eminently a man who knows what he is talking about. And here he was +in level tones, unruffled manner, taking into account the contingency of +the war lasting three years.</p> + +<p>That this was no idle conjecture, rather a well-thought-out possibility +intelligently provided for, appeared when he went on to describe how the +contingency must be faced. The enemy had already brought his full +resources into the field. It was a maximum which, after a succession of +days like last Sunday, must necessarily diminish. On the other hand, +whilst we have put a comparatively small force afoot, there is behind +it, at home and in the Colonies, a vast reserve which, diligently +trained and organised, will steadily reinforce the fighting line. In the +course of six or seven months there will be a total of thirty divisions, +continually kept up to full fighting strength.</p> + +<p>Nor was that all.</p> + +<p>"If," said the soldier-Minister, "the war be protracted, and if its +fortune be varied or adverse, exertions and sacrifices beyond any +already demanded will be required from the whole nation and Empire."</p> + +<p>Ominous words increasing prevalent gloom. At least satisfactory to know +that in his official communications <span class="sc">Kitchener</span> will always cheer us by +presenting to closest view the worst that has actually happened or is +possibly in store.</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—<span class="sc">Kitchener</span> makes his maiden speech.</p> + +<p><i>House of Commons, Wednesday.</i>—No one looking in on House this +afternoon would imagine that the country is engaged in an armed fight, +issues of which will in one direction or another transform the aspect of +Europe. Atmosphere unruffled. "Business as usual" the order of the day.</p> + +<p>Pretty full attendance considering House has with brief intervals been +in session since February and meets again at what in normal times would +be period of full recess. <span class="sc">Premier</span> on Treasury Bench at opening of +sitting. Having answered a few questions, withdrew to his private room +and was no more seen.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Lloyd George</span>, left in charge, moved through various stages series of +emergency measures.</p> + +<p>On Currency and Bank Note Bill question of design of new twenty-shilling +and ten-shilling notes came up. Some disrespectful things said of it. +<span class="sc">Chancellor of Exchequer</span> admitted its imperfection but pleaded that in +the hurried circumstances of the day it was the best that could be done. +Exception especially taken on score that the design made forgery easy. +Here the <span class="sc">Chancellor</span> differed.</p> + +<p>"I have been told by an expert in these matters," he said, with the +pleased air of one recalling the dictum of a respected friend, "that the +plainer the design on a note the more difficult it is to forge it."</p> + +<p>All the same the notes are to be called in and replaced.</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—Second reading of Bill giving Government blank cheque +for meeting expenses of war carried without debate or division.</p> + +<p><i>Thursday.</i>—<span class="sc">Premier's</span> surpassing gift of speech, equally concise and +eloquent, never more brilliantly displayed than this afternoon. Proposed +Resolution conveying expression of sympathy and admiration for heroic +resistance offered by the Belgian Army and people to wanton invasion of +their territory. In speech that occupied less than ten minutes in +delivery the <span class="sc">Premier</span>, himself moved to loftiest pitch of righteous +indignation, touched deepest feelings of a crowded House.</p> + +<p>Referring to Great Britain's intervention in "a quarrel in which it had +no direct concern," he pointed out that the country threw away the +scabbard only when confronted by necessity of choice between keeping and +breaking solemn obligations, between the discharge of a binding trust +and a shameless subservience.</p> + +<p>A deep-throated cheer approved his emphatic declaration, "We do not +repent our decision."</p> + +<p>Cheers rang forth again when in another fine passage he said, "The +Belgians have won for themselves the immortal glory which belongs to a +people who prefer freedom to ease, to security, even to life itself. We +are proud of their alliance and their friendship. We salute them with +respect and honour. We are with them heart and soul."</p> + +<p>Difficult to follow outburst of genuine eloquence like this, delivered +with thrilling force. <span class="sc">Bonar Law</span> in equally brief speech voiced hearty +acquiescence<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_206" id="Page_206">[Pg 206]</a></span> of Opposition in Resolution. <span class="sc">John Redmond</span>, associating +Ireland whole-heartedly with it, made practical suggestion, that, +instead of lending Belgium ten millions as proposed, we should hand the +money over to her as a free gift, an instalment of a just debt.</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—More Emergency Bills advanced by stages. Ominous hint +of fresh taxation dropped by <span class="sc">Chancellor</span>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>BLANCHE'S LETTERS</h2> + +<center><span class="sc">The War Spirit</span></center> + +<p><span style="margin-left: 2em;"><i>Park Lane.</i></span><br /> +</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Dearest Daphne</span>,—There was a big party of us at the Clackmannans' Scotch +place, Blairbinkie, when all these fearful things began to happen—and +now where are we all? The Flummery boys and ever so many more of the +party are at the front with their regiments. The Duke of Clackmannan is +at the head of the Clackmannan Yeomanry. Norty's gone off to help take +care of the East coast, and it's lucky to have <i>him</i> helping to protect +it and keep watch, for if there's <i>anybody</i> who could see things coming +sooner than anybody else it's Norty!</p> + +<p>Stella, Beryl, Babs and your Blanche are all back in Town, and when +we're not taking lessons in nursing we're sewing at flannel. I make +Yvonne do my hair quite, <i>quite</i> plainly, and I'm giving my jewels to my +country. I've already given my dear collar of pearls. I gave that first +because I love it best of all my jewels, because it can <i>never</i> be +replaced, and because pearls suit me better than <i>any</i> other stone.</p> + +<p>All our first fingers are covered with pricks and look immensely horrid, +but we glory in it and won't even put any cold cream on them! As I said +yesterday afternoon, when we were all sewing away at flannel, if <i>any</i> +woman, I don't care <i>who</i>, offered me her hand and I saw that the first +finger was <i>smooth</i> I'd refuse to take it! Beryl must needs weigh in +with, "But, my dear Blanche, she wouldn't offer you her <i>left</i> hand! +It's the <i>left</i> forefinger that gets punished in needlework." "The +principle is the same," I answered coldly. "And besides, some people are +left-handed." Beryl has decent qualities, I know, and one doesn't want +to find fault with anyone just now, but she was always like that—and +her <i>hemming</i>, dearest!</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 30%"> +<a href="images/206a.png"> +<img src="images/206a.png" width="100%" alt="We are not satisfied with Our moustache" /></a> +<p><span class="sc">German Kaiser</span>. "We are not satisfied with Our moustache; it seems to +need support on the Eastern side."</p> +</div> + +<p>Babs is wild to go to the front, but I say she'd be only a nuisance +until she knows more about nursing. Someone told me the other day, <i>à +propos</i> of untrained women going to the front and hindering instead of +helping, that during the last war a poor dear in one of the hospitals +had his hair parted <i>fifty</i> times in an hour by <i>fifty</i> different +people, and nearly got brain-fever.</p> + +<p>There was a man in the party at Blairbinkie who, before we were at war, +talked <i>fervidly</i> of what he should do for his country if trouble came. +I had not liked Hector Swankington the least little bit before that, but +when he said that, in the event of war, he would raise a troop at his +own expense, call it "Swankington's Horse" and lead it himself "wherever +the fighting was hottest," I thought I'd not done him justice. So I +listened to him and approved and encouraged the plan. And then the storm +burst and we all scattered. The other morning I met him in the Park when +I was taking my early walk. He asked if I would dine with him some +evening at the "Iridescent," and I said it was not a time for dining at +restaurants. "No," he agreed, "it certainly isn't now all the French +cooks are gone; and what an idiotic idea this is about reducing the +number of courses at dinner! Silly rot, I call it!"</p> + +<p>I ignored this and asked, "What about 'Swankington's Horse'?"</p> + +<p>"Oh! that's all off," he said huffily. "I wrote to the authorities about +raising the troop, asked what State recognition I should get, and +enclosed a drawing of the hat I meant to wear as leader—a ripping +scheme, turned up at one side and with a bunch of feathers. All the +answer I got was a few brief words of acknowledgment and a request to +set about it at once and report myself somewhere or other. Not a word of +the State recognition I was to receive, and the drawing of the hat +returned with 'Not approved' scrawled across it. So I've chucked the +whole business. And now don't let us talk of <i>that</i> any more!"</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 40%"> +<a href="images/206b.png"> +<img src="images/206b.png" width="100%" alt="FOR NEUTRAL CONSUMPTION." /></a> +<h3>FOR NEUTRAL CONSUMPTION.</h3> +</div> + +<p>I gave him my freezing look (you've never seen my freezing look, +dearest—it's <i>terrible</i>!) and I said with a little calm deadly manner +that I very, <i>very</i> seldom use, "I've no wish to talk to you of +<i>that</i>—or of anything else—ever again." And I left him.</p> + +<p>The party at Blairbinkie that scattered almost as soon as it assembled +was by way of being a farewell to the old place, for the Clackmannans +had virtually sold it to a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_207" id="Page_207">[Pg 207]</a></span> Mr. Spragg, of Pittsburg. He was going to +have the old castle taken across in bits and set up again in +Pennsylvania; and he was taking all the family portraits, the mausoleum, +the old trees in the park and the stags at a valuation, as well as the +village itself with all its cottages and people, in order that the +castle might have its proper <i>setting</i> out there. There were two more +things he wanted included in the bargain—a village idiot and a family +ghost ("hereditary spectre," he called it).</p> + +<p>Ah, my dear! all this belongs to the happy old days of a hundred years +ago, when we were all three or four weeks younger. The man from +Pittsburg, so far from being able to buy Blairbinkie, hardly knows where +to look for his next meal, and as for shipping castles and trees and +mausoleums and village idiots and family ghosts across the Atlantic he +only wishes he could get <i>himself</i> across, even if he had to work his +passage!</p> + +<p>Josiah is at the uttermost ends of the earth. He went in June, about +rubber-mines or oil-concessions, I'm not sure which. I had a cable from +him the other day from a place that began with "Boo" and ended with +"atty"—I forget what came between. He told me not to be anxious, that +he'd get back when and how he could. My answer was, "Not anxious. +Wherever you are you'd better stay there, or you may get taken prisoner +by those creatures, and then I'd never forgive you!"</p> + +<p>Talking of prisoners reminds me of a rumour about the +Bullyon-Boundermeres. They were cruising somewhere in their new big +steam-yacht when war broke out, and now there's a report that the enemy +have taken the yacht and turned it into a cruiser; that the +Bullyon-Boundermere people are prisoners on board, and that they're +making <i>her</i> wash dishes and forcing <i>him</i> to work as a stoker or a +bulkhead or some fearful thing of that kind! This is not <i>official</i>, my +dear, but I give it you for what it's worth.</p> + +<p>I called a little meeting here yesterday about a scheme of mine. Beryl +and Babs and your Blanche and several more of us are really <i>crack</i> +shots, and I want to form us into a band of rifle-women and ask the +Powers that be to let us guard some important place—a bridge or a bank +or a powder magazine. We should wear a distinctive uniform, and we +wouldn't let anyone come <i>near</i>! Babs said she hoped the uniform would +be smart and becoming, but I soon shut her up. "This is not a time to +think of cut or colour," I told her. "Myself, I shouldn't care <i>how</i> my +uniform was cut—even if the <i>shoulder</i> seams were at the <i>elbows</i>. And +as for colour I'd wear <i>grass-green</i>, though it's a colour in which I +look a mere <i>fiend</i>, if it would help my country!" And Beryl and Babs +cried and kissed me.</p> + +<p> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Ever thine,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;"><span class="sc">Blanche</span>.</span><br /> +</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/207.png"> +<img src="images/207.png" width="100%" alt="I've started ten committees in connection with the war" title="" /></a><br /><br /> +<p><i>The Lady of the House,</i> "<span class="sc">Just the person I wanted to +see. I've started ten committees in connection with the war and I want +your help.</span>"</p><br /> +<p><i>Visitor</i>. "<span class="sc">My <i>dear</i>! I've just started twelve and I simply <i>counted</i> +on you!</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>"The Suez Canal has brought St. Helena much closer than in +Napoleonic days."</p> +</div> +<p class="author"><i>T.P.'s Weekly.</i></p> + +<p>In the same way the opening of the Panama Canal has made Heligoland much +more adjacent than in Lord <span class="sc">Salisbury's</span> days.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_208" id="Page_208">[Pg 208]</a></span></p> + +<h2>ODE TO JOHN BRADBURY.</h2> + +<center>(<i>The new notes for £1 and 10s. are signed by <span class="sc">John Bradbury</span></i>.)</center> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">When the Red <span class="sc">Kaiser</span>, swoll'n with impious pride</p> +<p class="i2">And stuffed with texts to serve his instant need,</p> +<p class="i0">Took Shame for partner and Disgrace for guide,</p> +<p class="i2">Earned to the full the hateful traitor's meed,</p> +<p class="i8">And bade his hordes advance</p> +<p class="i0">Through Belgium's cities towards the fields of France;</p> +<p class="i0">And when at last our patient island race,</p> +<p class="i8">By the attempted wrong</p> +<p class="i8">Made fierce and strong,</p> +<p class="i0">Flung back the challenge in the braggart's face,</p> +<p class="i0">Oh then, while martial music filled the air,</p> +<p class="i2">Clarion and fife and bagpipe and the drum,</p> +<p class="i0">Calling to men to muster, march, and dare,</p> +<p class="i2">Oh, then thy day, <span class="sc">John Bradbury</span>, was come.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0"><span class="sc">John Bradbury</span>, the Muse shall fill my strain</p> +<p class="i2">To sing thy praises; thou hadst spent thy time</p> +<p class="i0">Not idly, nor hadst lived thy life in vain,</p> +<p class="i2">Unfitted for the guerdon of my rhyme.</p> +<p class="i0">For lo, the Funds went sudden crashing down,</p> +<p class="i2">And men grew pale with monetary fear,</p> +<p class="i8">And in the toppling mart</p> +<p class="i8">The stoutest heart</p> +<p class="i0">Melted, and fortunes seemed to disappear;</p> +<p class="i0">And some, forgetting their austere renown,</p> +<p class="i8">Went mad and sold</p> +<p class="i0">Whate'er they could and wildly called for Gold!</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">"Since through no fault of ours the die was cast</p> +<p class="i8">We shall go forth and fight</p> +<p class="i8">In death's despite</p> +<p class="i0">And shall return victorious at the last;</p> +<p class="i8">But how, ah how," they said,</p> +<p class="i8">"Shall we and ours be fed</p> +<p class="i0">And clothed and housed from dreary day to day,</p> +<p class="i0">If, while our hearths grow cold, we have no coin to pay?"</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Then thou, where no gold was and little store</p> +<p class="i2">Of silver, didst appear and wave thy pen,</p> +<p class="i8">And with thy signature</p> +<p class="i8">Make things secure,</p> +<p class="i0">Bidding us all pluck up our hearts once more</p> +<p class="i2">And face our foolish fancied fears like men.</p> +<p class="i0">"I give you notes," you said, "of different kinds</p> +<p class="i8">To ease your anxious minds:</p> +<p class="i0">The one is black and shall be fairly found</p> +<p class="i0">Equal in value to a golden pound;</p> +<p class="i0">The other—mark its healthy scarlet print—</p> +<p class="i0">Is worth a full half-sovereign from the Mint."</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Thus didst thou speak—at least I think thou didst—</p> +<p class="i8">And, lo, the murmurs fell</p> +<p class="i8">And all things went right well,</p> +<p class="i0">While thy notes fluttered in our happy midst.</p> +<p class="i0">Therefore our grateful hearts go forth to thee,</p> +<p class="i0">Our British note-provider, brave <span class="sc">John Bradbury</span>!</p> +</div></div> + +<p class="author">R. C. L.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>"<span class="sc">Belgium</span>.—Can any member let me know as to what kind of weather to +expect in Belgium towards the end of October, and as to the +condition of the roads? I and my wife propose going a tandem tour at +that time in the Ardennes, Luxembourg, etc. Are most of the hotels +shut for the season at that time? Would the north of France be +preferable?—G. J."—<i>C. T. C. Gazette.</i></p></div> + +<p>This gentleman is evidently particular. We are half afraid he will not +get quite what he wants.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE COLUMN OF ADVENTURE.</h2> + +<p>Even <i>The Times</i>' "agony column," my staple reading during +toast-and-marmalade, suffers from the all-pervading war. Old friends +have dropped out of the column on its war march. No longer does the +Young Gentleman yearning for the idyllic life call on the charitable to +provide him with a year of perfect ease, comfort and luxury. I had hoped +to meet him some day, to draw out his confidences, perchance to edit his +memoirs. "My Check is My Fortune" would be a catchy title. But +apparently the War has put him out of business. The idyllic life has +gone. Another victim.</p> + +<p>His place is being filled by the Sportsman, eager to be up and +shooting—partridges. "Either singly or with a house party," he offers. +He asks only for board, lodging and ammunition. These provided, he is +willing to go for the enemy all September and October.</p> + +<p>Another Sportsman, humbler in aspiration, is prepared to specialise on +rabbits. He is ready to continue the fight until "Peace terms dictated +in Berlin by Allies."</p> + +<p>There has also arisen the Professional Rescuer. He offers to go +abroad—for a cash consideration—and smuggle back stranded relatives. +He does not give particulars of personal appearance, but one may imagine +him as essentially Williamlequeuish—small dark moustache, super-shrewd +eyes, Homburg hat, a revolver in every pocket, speaking six languages +more fluently than the natives, and on terms of intimacy with half the +diplomats of Europe. He would open his conversation with a casual: "The +last time I was chatting with the <span class="sc">Kaiser</span> (I shall, of course, cut him in +future)...."</p> + +<p>Another occupation has been called into being by the War. It is that of +Berth-Snatcher. He is apparently a City man who has realised all his +securities and invested them in berths and staterooms on Atlantic +Liners. These he now offers "at a small bonus"—exact amount unstated.</p> + +<p>Also interesting is the occupation of Amateur Adviser. He has much +well-intentioned advice to offer to all and sundry: "To the War Office. +It is hoped that something is being done regarding," etc. Or: "Japan, +our Ally, could easily lend us half a million men."</p> + +<p>Presumably the Amateur Adviser has been denied place in the +correspondence columns.</p> + +<p>The Young Hungarian Nobleman, whose remittances have been stopped by the +war, is reminiscent of the original yearner for the idyllic life. "Is +supposed to be of good appearance," he states with obtrusive modesty.</p> + +<p>But the romantic halo around these young aristocrats is rather tarnished +by the Young French Vicomte. When he advertises that he "would +thankfully accept some clothes from English or American gentlemen," one +suspects a snug little second-hand business somewhere in savoury Soho.</p> + +<hr /> + +<center>From a letter in <i>The Bristol Evening Times</i>:-</center> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>"Only last evening I was passing through one of our main +thoroughfares, and saw seven or eight Territorials taking +refreshment in a the backbone. I ask in fairness, Is this the +backbone. I ask in fairness, is this patriotic?"</p></div> + +<p>In fairness we reply, It is neither.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>"The old Latinist has it, 'Deos vult pedere prius dementas.'"</p> +</div> +<p class="author"><i>Manx Chronicle.</i></p> +<p>How one's Latin slips from one with advancing age! But he must have been +very old.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>"The Scheldt can easily be damned."—<i>Daily Chronicle.</i></p></div> + +<p>So can the <span class="sc">Kaiser</span>, but it isn't enough to say so.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_209" id="Page_209">[Pg 209]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/209.png"> +<img src="images/209.png" width="100%" alt="Ex-Teuton (to landlady)." /></a> +<p><i>Ex-Teuton (to landlady).</i> "<span class="sc">Ach! Madame, eet is all +right! I vos Engleesh now! I have to-day mein papers of Nationalization +to your Home Office sent off. Dere vos several oaths by half-a-dozen +peoples to be svorn. It vos a tremendous affairs!</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE HEROES.</h2> + +<p>Once upon a time, many years ago—how many I cannot say, but certainly +it must have been before the Christian era—there lived a sublime +Emperor. After being for long the warmest, if platonic, friend of Peace, +and forcing the world to listen to his loud protestations of fidelity, +he suddenly surprised his hearers by declaring war.</p> + +<p>It was shortly after the opening of hostilities that he was seated on +his throne presenting awards of merit to the bravest of his brave +soldiers. The hall was filled with martial enthusiasm, and the memorable +scene was one in which splendour, animation and the confidence of +rectitude were equally notable.</p> + +<p>The Emperor's noble Vizier, to whose massive mind treaties were of no +more consequence than waste paper, stood at the side of his Imperial +Master to act as introducer of the gallant soldiers whose exploits (with +which the world was ringing) it had been decided to reward although so +early in the campaign—<i>pour encourager les autres</i>.</p> + +<p>"The first decorations," remarked the Vizier, "are for deeds of signal +courage."</p> + +<p>He motioned to a stalwart warrior. "This noble son of the Empire," he +said, "with his own bow shot six non-combatants within as many minutes."</p> + +<p>Loud cheers rent the air.</p> + +<p>"Three of them," the Vizier continued, "were women."</p> + +<p>Louder cheers.</p> + +<p>"The other three were old men over seventy."</p> + +<p>Immense enthusiasm.</p> + +<p>"This determined hacker-through," the Vizier continued, as another giant +stood forth, "shot an unarmed priest."</p> + +<p>More enthusiasm.</p> + +<p>"And," added the Vizier, "burned his temple."</p> + +<p>Amid the plaudits of the flower of the Stale the monarch affixed the +cherished tokens to the heroes' breasts. "My Braves!" he exclaimed. "In +the name of the Fatherland I thank you."</p> + +<p>Another warrior stepped out and saluted.</p> + +<p>"And what, my friend," asked the monarch, "did you do?"</p> + +<p>"Nothing, Sire," he replied with the unaffected simplicity of the man of +action; "I merely stamped on some little children—twins, I think."</p> + +<p>"Two medals for that," said the Emperor with ready wit, and there was +not a wet eye as he placed them in their proud position.</p> + +<p>The Vizier beckoned to a youthful officer on whose lip the down was +hardly yet visible. But though young in years he was already every inch +a soldier of his country.</p> + +<p>"This gallant gentleman," said the Vizier, "unaided, and at great +personal risk, shot a baby in arms."</p> + +<p>"In arms?" asked the monarch sharply. "Surely that mitigates the +heroism?"</p> + +<p>"I meant in its mother's arms," the Vizier hastily explained.</p> + +<p>"Ah!" said the Emperor with a sigh of relief, "that reassures me." And +amid profound excitement he embraced the soldier, pinned the coveted +badge to his breast and bade him quickly return to the front to carry on +the great work.</p> + +<p>"The next reward is for resource in emergency," said the master of +ceremonies an hour or so later.</p> + +<p>He beckoned to a superb officer, splendid in his trappings—a blue-eyed +colossus of nearly six-feet-six.</p> + +<p>"This highborn Captain," said the Vizier, "snatched some women from +their beds and pushed them before his men so that the enemy should not +shoot."</p> + +<p>The hall resounded with applause.</p> + +<p>"'Twas a brilliant thought," said the Emperor. "Not only will we +decorate him for intelligence, but for valour."</p> + +<p>"The last is for chivalry, Sire," said the master of the ceremonies, +indicating the remaining award.</p> + +<p>An officer stood forth.</p> + +<p>"This warrior," said the Vizier,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_210" id="Page_210">[Pg 210]</a></span> "ordered his men to trample down some +public flower-beds in the enemy's capital."</p> + +<p>"Bravely done," said the Emperor. "A great and imaginative lesson. We'll +learn them to resist invasion!"</p> + +<p>Amid renewed demonstrations of loyalty and fervour the Emperor brought +the proceedings to a close.</p> + +<p>"Among so many deeds of valour," he said, "I find it impossible to say +which is the most splendid. All are glorious. I am in a position to +assure you that Heaven is proud of you. The Fatherland also is proud of +you, and, above all, I am proud of you. May the blessings of Heaven +continue to fall upon our great and merciful campaign for the right!"</p> + +<p>With these words the proceedings terminated and the heroes hurried back +to the fighting line, eager to win more laurels by similar feats of +culture.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>SIDELIGHTS ON THE WAR.</h2> + +<p>It is frequently remarked that the present war will be far-reaching in +its consequences. The truth of this is apparent from the following +notices, gathered at random from the column of "Personal Paragraphs" +which the Editor of <i>The Shrimpington-on-Sea Gazette</i> publishes weekly, +without charge, thereby earning the reputation of a patriot:—</p> + +<p><span class="sc">In consequence of</span> the present crisis in the Money Market, Mrs. Pincham +desires to give notice that she hereby disclaims all liability for any +debts contracted by her at Bridge, and the same will not be paid.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">This is to say that</span>, owing to the war and my pocket-money being stopped +because I broke the dining-room window, if Jackson Minor does not pay me +the balance of sixpence remaining for his half-share of the white rabbit +we both bought last term, his half of the rabbit will be sold and the +proceeds kept by the undersigned, <span class="sc">Smith Tertius</span>.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Lady Straiter</span> regrets to be obliged to announce that, in consequence of +the perilous financial situation in Europe, she will be forced to +discontinue her subscription of 2<i>s.</i> 6<i>d.</i> per annum to the Society for +the Relief of Distressed Dustmen.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Mr. Alured de Mortimer Talbot-Howard-St. Maur</span> begs to inform his many +friends and the general public that the above is his real name, and that +he is proud to say he is by birth and descent an Englishman. The +spiteful rumours which allege that he originally kept a pawnbroker's +shop in Hamburg, where his name was Wilhelm Guggelheimer, are merely the +inventions of malicious persons who are envious of his property and +social position.</p> + +<p>As the Shrimpington-on-Sea Golf Course has been entirely ploughed-up +(with the exception of the greens) and planted with onions, turnips, +cabbages, and beetroot, to increase our national food-supply, all +members are requested to play in rubber-soled shoes only during the next +two months, so as not to damage the growing crops.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>AT THE PLAY.</h2> + +<center>"<span class="sc">My Aunt</span>."</center> + +<p>Really, the only question to ask oneself of this adaptation from the +French is "Is it funny enough?" With so much being offered by the +newsboy outside the Vaudeville that is not at all funny, it would be +pleasant to find inside the doors a little relief from the world.</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 30%"> +<a href="images/210.png"> +<img src="images/210.png" width="100%" alt="Should the Telephone be Used" /></a><br /> +<p><span class="sc">Should the Telephone be Used except under Medical +advice?</span></p> +<i>Mrs. Martingale</i> Miss <span class="sc">Lottie Venne</span>.<br /> +<i>Dr. Sweette</i> Mr. <span class="sc">Ernest Hendrie</span>.<br /> + +</div> + +<p>I will give the authors the benefit of any doubt I may have felt now and +then, and say that <i>My Aunt</i> serves its purpose. In places it made us +all laugh a good deal, and I don't think we were prepared to be easily +amused; although (for a reason which still escapes me) there was a +sudden burst of clapping when <i>Aubrey Braxton</i> announced that he had +received an "ultimatum" from <i>Suzanne</i>. The latter part of the Second +Act is particularly well worked up, and one remark of <i>Aubrey's</i> to +<i>Leslie Tarbolton</i> brought down the house. ("You are the sort of man who +would go to call on a sick friend ... and eat his grapes.") The Third +Act is terribly padded with things which are not really funny, but it +gives us an opportunity of seeing a little more of Miss <span class="sc">Lottie Venne</span>, to +whom the authors had not previously been generous. (I love Miss <span class="sc">Venne's</span> +voice and I love her manner of waving her arms in the air. It was +delightful to see and listen to her again.)</p> + +<p>For the best parts of the first two Acts, then; for Miss <span class="sc">Lottie Venne's</span> +voice; above all, for Mr. <span class="sc">A. W. Baskcomb's</span> face, <i>My Aunt</i> is worth +while. As <i>Aubrey Braxton</i> Mr. <span class="sc">Baskcomb</span>—the never-to-be-forgotten +<i>Slightly</i> of so many Christmasses—goes through all the many troubles +of a hero of farce with his own inimitable air of hopeless resignation. +I hope that his efforts will not be unrewarded, and that the management +will find that, without rivalling the success of that other aunt, +Charley's, they will yet for some time be able to play to good "business +as usual."</p> + +<p class="author">M.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>MR. PUNCH'S HOLIDAY STORIES.</h2> + +<center>III.—<span class="sc">The Fight of the Century.</span></center> + +<center>(Concluded.)</center> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i><span class="sc">Synopsis of Preceding Instalment</span>:—The great boxing boom is at its +height. A fight arranged between Smasher Mike and the famous +heavyweight champion. Mauler Mills, is arousing intense excitement +throughout the country. Nothing whatever is known of the Smasher, +and the betting is therefore 100 to 1 against him. Young Lord +Tamerton is at this time in desperate financial straits. His bosom +friend, Ralph Wonderson, who is in love with his sister, the +beautiful Lady Margaret Tamerton, prevails upon him to wager heavily +on Smasher Mike, and undertakes to put him in the way of obtaining a +loan of £5,000 for this purpose. Their conversation is overheard by +an agent of Sir Ernest Scrivener, </i>alias<i> Marmaduke Moorsdyke, who +is the mortal enemy of Wonderson and is plotting to get Lady +Margaret Tamerton in his power.</i>]</p></div> + +<p>The vast area of Corinthia was crammed with eager spectators, whose eyes +were concentrated with feverish intensity on the raised platform in the +centre of the hall. In the seats near the ring, for each of which a +hundred guineas had been charged, sat the cream of Britain's +aristocracy, including Lord Tamerton and Lady Margaret Tamerton, for +whom two tickets in a plain envelope had been left that morning.</p> + +<p>At last the preliminaries came to an end and Smasher Mike, clad in a +claret-coloured dressing-gown with yellow facings, crawled through the +ropes and went to his corner. As he raised his face to the lights a +murmur of amazement ran through the hall.</p> + +<p>"<i>It's Ralph Wonderson!</i>" Lady Margaret gripped her brother's arm till +the perspiration stood out on his forehead.</p> + +<p>"<i>It's Ralph Wonderson!</i>" The<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_211" id="Page_211">[Pg 211]</a></span> whisper passed from lip to lip, merging +presently into a burst of cheering as Mauler Mills scrambled up to the +platform, wearing an electric-blue dressing-gown with green facings and +pink sash.</p> + +<p>Ralph sat motionless in his corner, watching his gigantic adversary with +a pleasant smile and softly whistling the air of a popular song. At +length the referee leisurely entered the ring. As he did so, Ralph gave +a violent start and Lady Margaret gripped her brother's arm till his +teeth chattered. <i>The referee was not the popular Algernon Mittens, as +had been announced, but Sir Ernest Scrivener!</i></p> + +<p>Lord Tamerton stared up at the ring with ashen lips. With such an +official in charge nothing but a miracle could save Ralph Wonderson from +being disqualified in the first round. The House of Tamerton was more +utterly ruined than ever.</p> + +<p>But in thirty seconds Ralph, trained in many sports to meet all +emergencies, had summed up the situation and decided upon his course of +action.</p> + +<p>The gong sounded and the two pugilists advanced warily towards each +other. Suddenly Ralph lashed out a terrific right which, as he intended, +missed the Mauler by a foot. Unable, apparently, to retain his balance, +he swung completely round with the impetus of the blow, and his clenched +fist landed squarely upon the referee's jaw. Sir Ernest shot high over +the ropes and crashed down on the Dowager Duchess of Cumbersea, whence +he rebounded with terrible force into the arms of the Marquis of +Meltington.</p> + +<p>After a brief delay all three were removed to the hospital.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>The fight, under a new referee, was in its twentieth round. Not a sound +could be heard beyond the shuffling of the pugilists' feet and the thud +of fist on flesh.</p> + +<p>Feinting with his left, the Mauler clinched heavily with his right, but +Ralph foiled the attack with a clever half-nelson. Again Mills swung his +right, and again Ralph parried the blow, this time by sending his left +to the funny-bone and thus paralysing the arm. He then dashed in and +uppercut his opponent severely on the occiput. Mauler Mills staggered to +the ropes, to which he clung frantically in order to preserve his +balance.</p> + +<p>A savage roar went up from the crowd, roused now to a pitch of frenzied +excitement. "Now you've got him! Finish him! Put him out!" they shouted.</p> + +<p>But Ralph, chivalrous as always, drew back, bowed formally to his +opponent and quietly awaited his recovery.</p> + +<p>Presently, after a courteous enquiry and an assurance from the Mauler +that he was quite ready, the pair exchanged a warm handshake and renewed +their combat.</p> + +<p>Taking a deep breath, Ralph advanced with cat-like tread and flashing +eyes upon his adversary. Knowing from painful experience what to expect, +the latter circled cautiously away, covering his face with his hands. +But Ralph, realising that time was short, determined not to be baffled. +Combining the agility of the chamois with the ponderous strength of the +hippopotamus, he crouched low and sprang like a tiger through the air +upon the unhappy Mauler, striking him full on the solar plexus. White to +the lips, the Mauler fell squirming to the floor, while Ralph +nonchalantly adjusted a lock of hair which had floated loose.</p> + +<p>"<i>One—two—three ...</i>" the voice of the referee was like the voice of +inexorable Fate ... "<i>four—five—six ...</i>" Lady Margaret gripped her +brother's arm till his hair stood on end ... "<i>seven—eight ...</i>" The +Countess of Snecks fainted with a loud shriek ... "<i>nine—Out</i>"!</p> + +<p>The great fight was won. The House of Tamerton was saved.</p> + +<p>Clad in his claret-coloured dressing-gown, the new champion pressed his +<i>fiancée</i> against the yellow facings and stroked her fair hair fondly +with his boxing-gloves.</p> + +<p>"My little wife!" he whispered.</p> + +<p>And the vast area of Corinthia rang with emotional cheers.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/211.png"> +<img src="images/211.png" width="100%" alt="Halt! Who goes there?" /></a><br /><br /> +<p><i>Sentry (suddenly appearing).</i> "<span class="sc">Halt! Who goes there?</span>"</p> +<p><i>Brown.</i> "<span class="sc">Er—season!</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_212" id="Page_212">[Pg 212]</a></span> + +<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + +<center>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</center> + +<p>Far too rarely does the conscientious reviewer enjoy such a chance as +has come to me now, a chance to let himself go in the matter of praise +without stint or reservation. As a reward doubtless for some of my many +unrecorded good deeds, there has come into my hands a slender volume +called <i>Naval Occasions</i> (<span class="sc">Blackwood</span>), which seems to me to be the most +entirely satisfactory and, indeed, fascinating thing of its kind that +ever I read. The writer chooses for his own sufficient reasons to +disguise himself as "<span class="sc">Bartimeus</span>," and under that name I have to ask him +to accept my very sincere gratitude. The little book contains +twenty-five sketches, mostly quite short, relating to (I quote its text, +taken from the Articles of War) "the Navy, whereon, under the good +Providence of God, the wealth, safety, and strength of the Kingdom +chiefly depend." Never surely did a book appear so aptly. At a moment +like this, when the dullest collection of naval facts can stir the +pulse, such pages as these, full of the actual life and work of the men +who are safeguarding us all, deserve a public as vast as the Empire +itself. The appeal of them is amazing, for their art is of so concealed +a quality that the writing seems simplicity itself. To say that they +bring the atmosphere of salt winds and the tang of the sea, is nothing; +a skilful novel about Margate sands would deserve this praise; it is in +their humanity that the charm lies, the sense of courage and comradeship +and high endeavour that is in every one of them. You will laugh often as +you read; and sometimes, quite suddenly, you will find yourself with a +prickly feeling at the back of the eyes, because of the tears that are +in these things; but they are the proud kind, never the sloppily +sentimental. And at the end I am mistaken in you if you do not close the +book with the rare and moving sensation that you have found something of +which you can say, as I myself did, "This is absolutely It!"</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Amongst the thousands of helpful suggestions for the conduct of war +which have recently filled the columns of the daily press, I do not +remember having seen any scheme for supplying the officers of the Allied +Armies with an Irish terrier apiece. And yet if <span class="sc">Marie von Vorst</span> is to be +trusted, this is a very serious omission, for, had it not been for +<i>Pitchouné</i>, I fear that the gallant hero of <i>His Love Story</i> (<span class="sc">Mills and +Boon</span>) would have perished in the Sahara and never have won the lady of +his heart. The <i>Comte de Sabron</i> was forbidden by his military orders to +take a dog with him to Algiers, but <i>Pitchouné</i> ran all the way from +Tarascon to Marseilles and jumped into the boat. Subsequently, when his +master was lying wounded in the desert, he tracked down the nearest +native village—twelve hours away—and barked till they sent out a +relief expedition. A boy scout could not do more, and, though my own +experience of Irish terriers has led me to think that they do not spend +over much time in the study of ordnance maps, yet for sentiment's sake, +and because <i>His Love Story</i> is a charmingly written romance, I am ready +to believe in all the feats of <i>Pitchouné</i>, and even to hope that he +will not after all be <i>de trop</i> now that <i>M. le Comte</i> is happily +wedded, but may have another brilliantly successful campaign in front of +him.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Although Mrs. <span class="sc">Penrose's</span> new novel, <i>Something Impossible</i> (<span class="sc">Mills and +Boon</span>), gaily admits in its title its difficulties, I cannot pretend that +I consider her to have made the most of her opportunity. There are at +least two classic examples of her theme, Mr. <span class="sc">Anstey's</span> <i>Vice Versâ</i> and +Mr. <span class="sc">De la Mare's</span> <i>Return</i>. Mrs. <span class="sc">Penrose</span> cannot approach either the +charming humour of the one or the delicate beauty of the other. On a +lower plane her story has its amusing moments, and there is a vein of +real tenderness in her picture of the relations of her hero and his +faithful lady—a happy relief after the monotonous repetition of +matrimonial infidelities dealt out to us by the average novel. It will +be a consolation also to many readers to discover that plain people are +far more popular than handsome ones and that to "have features of +classical beauty" is the most unfortunate of handicaps in the race for +comfort and success. Mrs. <span class="sc">Penrose</span>, like many other women novelists, is +very cruel to her own sex and never misses an opportunity of exposing +its shallow sentiments and transient affections. But why are all +novelists of to-day so merciless to the provincial town? There must be +some pleasant people in Cathedral cities. I am weary of retired colonels +with port-stained faces, and vinegary old maids, and unctuous canons. +Mrs. <span class="sc">Penrose</span> has shown in her earlier books so real a sense of beauty +and so touching a spirit of kindliness that I am bound to confess that, +with the exception of her treatment of her hero, this rather acid and +ironical piece of nonsense is a disappointment.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%"> +<a href="images/212.png"> +<img src="images/212.png" width="100%" alt="The Small Man." /></a> +<p><i>The Small Man.</i> "<span class="sc">If I was as well set up as you I'd go +and fight for my country, <i>I</i> would!</span>"</p> +<p><i>The Large Man.</i> "<span class="sc">No good, Mate, I've tried it. Told me at the War +Office I would spoil the uniform appearance of any regiment, so I'm +waitin' till they raise a corps of Cinema Guards.</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p>From the Emperor of <span class="sc">Austria's</span> telegram to <span class="sc">Wilhelm II.</span>:</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>"Words fail to express what moves me, and with me my army, in these +days of the world's history."</p></div> + +<p>The word "Servia" might express what moves his army.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p><i>The Scotsman</i> on the condition of things in Norway:—</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>"Food supplies and rents are controlled by the Government, and +spirits and wines cannot be purchased. Most of the English people +have now left Norway."</p></div> + +<p>For other reasons, we hope.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>"<span class="sc">Pleasure Tours.</span>—St. Petersburg from London <i>viâ</i> Kiel Canal."</p> + +<p class="author"><i>Advt. in "Times."</i></p></div> + +<p>Take your camera with you, and snap the jolly little German battleships +as you go past. The result of the recent fight off Heligoland should +increase your popularity.</p> + +<hr /> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +147, September 2nd, 1914, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 27055-h.htm or 27055-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/7/0/5/27055/ + +Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 147, September 2nd, 1914 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: October 26, 2008 [EBook #27055] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + + PUNCH, + + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + + VOLUME 147. + + SEPTEMBER 2, 1914. + + * * * * * + +CHARIVARIA. + +Reports still continue to come in as to the outbursts of rage which took +place in Germany when the news of our participation in the War reached +that country. Seeing that we had merely been asked to allow our friends +to be robbed and murdered, our interference is looked upon as peculiarly +gratuitous. + + *** + +We hear, by the way, that the Germans, who hold Kiao-chau on a long +lease, appealed unsuccessfully to Leaseholders Protection Societies all +over the world to intervene in defence of their interests. + + *** + +We understand that a new version of the KAISER'S famous "Yellow Peril" +cartoon (it bore the inscription, "Nations of Europe, protect your +property!") is in preparation at Tokio, in which a jaundiced KAISER is +delineated as the Yellow Peril. + + *** + +Those persons who complain that the Allies are too frequently on the +defensive forget that it is very difficult to be as offensive as the +Germans. + + *** + +The report that among the troops which entered Brussels was a bear +dressed up in infamous taste to represent the King of the BELGIANS is +denied in Germany. It is quite possible that he was merely one of the +Prussian officers. + + *** + +The _Giornale d'Italia_ reports that, at a meeting of cardinals held at +Rome, it was decided to issue an appeal to the belligerents to agree to +a truce pending the election of a new Pope. It is thought, however, that +the KAISER will refuse even such a reasonable request as this. + + *** + +It is rumoured that WILHELM II. has despatched all his British uniforms +to KING GEORGE. This, anyhow, should be remembered to his credit. He did +not wish to disgrace them. + + *** + +The temptation to call the KAISER names is, of course, almost +irresistible, but we are rather surprised to come across the following +head-lines in our serious contemporary, _The Observer_:-- + +"Brussels--and After. The German Sweep." + + *** + +There would seem to be no end to the social horrors of the War. The +Teuton journal _Manufakturist_ is now prophesying that one of its +results will be the substitution of German for French fashions. + + *** + +The title of "The King of Prussia," one of the oldest licensed houses at +Barnet, is to be altered. Every effort, we understand, is being made in +Germany to keep the news from the KAISER. + + *** + +People must not come down too heavily on KEIR HARDIE. We honestly +believe that he honestly believes that his little views are right. +That's what makes his case so sad. + + *** + +The Dominican Revolution, it is announced, has ended. It is supposed to +have been unable to stand the competition of the bigger war. + + *** + +There appears to be considerable difference of opinion as to whether +those persons who are in want of a holiday should take it as usual or +not. The "Take your Change" movement may be quite right for women and +children; but the "Leave your Change" movement is better still. + + *** + +According to _The Evening News_ three elephants have been requisitioned +from the Zoo at the White City by the military authorities. In Berlin, +no doubt, this will be taken to signify that our heavy cavalry mounts +are giving out. + + *** + +The Committee of the Masters of the Foxhounds Association have decided +that, while regular hunting will be impossible, they consider it would +be most prejudicial to the country in general if it were allowed to +lapse altogether. In this, we understand, the Committee and the foxes do +not see eye to eye, the latter taking the view that hunting men ought +now to devote their entire attention to more important matters. + + *** + +"GERMANS DRIVEN BACK FROM ANTWERP" read an indignant old lady. "Driven, +indeed!" she exclaimed; "I'd have made them walk!" + + *** + +The statement issued to the Press by Messrs. SUTTON AND SONS to the +effect that large supplies of bulbs from Holland are now being delivered +at Reading in as good a condition as ever has, we hear, had a distinctly +steadying effect on the country at large. + + *** + +From Hoylake comes the news that certain persons who live in a street +there called Prussia Road have petitioned the Urban District Council for +a change of name--and it is rumoured that the Council, with a view to +saving the ratepayers' pockets, have hit upon the ingenious idea of +obliterating the first letter only of the present name--thereby also +paying a well-deserved compliment to a distinguished ally. + + *** + +A clerk who left a month ago for a week in lovely Lucerne and has only +just been able to get back found his employer (a merchant with a strain +of German blood in his veins) quite angry. "I have half a mind to +dismiss you for exceeding your leave," he said. "However, you are useful +to me. Only please understand that you have now had your holiday for the +next three years as well." + + * * * * * + +Illustration: "Special constables who can speak German are +particularly required."--_Daily paper._ + +_Special Constable_ (_having cornered his man_). "SPRECHEN SIE DEUTSCH?" +_Suspect._ "NEIN! NEIN!" + + * * * * * + + "A sow has given birth to a freak of nature. The animal's face is + almost human in appearance, it has neither eyes nor nostrils, but a + nose like a fish." + + _Sheffield Daily Telegraph._ + +This is like none of our friends. + + * * * * * + +THE AVENGERS. + +(_To our Soldiers in the field._) + + Not only that your cause is just and right-- + This much was never doubted; war or play, + We go with clean hands into any fight; + That is our English way;-- + + Not this high thought alone shall brace your thews + To trample under heel those Vandal hordes + Who laugh when blood of mother and babe imbrues + Their damned craven swords. + + But here must be hot passion, white of flame, + Pure hate of this unutterable wrong, + Sheer wrath for Christendom so sunk in shame, + To make you trebly strong. + + These smoking hearths of fair and peaceful lands, + This reeking trail of deeds abhorred of Hell, + They cry aloud for vengeance at your hands, + Ruthless and swift and fell. + + Strike, then--and spare not--for the innocent dead + Who lie there, stark beneath the weeping skies, + As though you saw your dearest in their stead + Butchered before your eyes. + + And though the guiltless pay for others guilt + Who preached these brute ideals in camp and Court; + Though lives of brave and gentle foes be spilt, + That loathe this coward sport; + + On each, without distinction, worst or best, + Fouled by a nation's crime, one doom must fall; + Be you its instrument, and leave the rest + To GOD, the Judge of all + + Let it be said of you, when sounds at length + Over the final field the victor's strain:-- + "They struck at infamy with all their strength, + And earth is clean again!" + + O. S. + + * * * * * + +HOW GERMANY CAME OFF. + +(_Extracts from a diary kept at intervals by a very special +correspondent in the Dardanelles._) + +_GOEBEN_ arrives Dardanelles. Announcement of sale to Turkey and of +disembarcation of German crew. + +_Goeben_ still in Dardanelles. Having been disposed of to Turkey, the +ship again disembarced her crew. + +_Goeben_ continuing in Dardanelles, the disembarcation of German crew, +which was completed three days ago and again yesterday, began again +to-day and was carried out successfully. + +The _Goeben_ still being at anchor in the Dardanelles, it was decided to +carry out a disembarcation of her German crew on a scale surpassing all +previous efforts. + +The _Goeben_ continues in the Dardanelles. Owing to the remarkable +expertness which her crew has acquired, it was possible to carry out +three disembarcations this afternoon. The officer commanding, indeed, +proposes shortly to issue a challenge to ships of all nationalities for +the Open Disembarcation Championship of the World. + +The _Goeben_ remains in the Dardanelles. In response to a pressing +request from great masses of the Turkish population, who have been +unable before to witness the ceremony, it has been decided again to +disembark the German crew, and, beginning to-morrow at 10 A.M., the +impressive spectacle will be gone through at regular intervals of an +hour throughout the day. All the railway companies have announced cheap +excursions, and there can be no doubt that these disembarcations will +easily surpass all earlier ones. + +The German crew of the _Goeben_ are agitating for an eight-hour day. + +Instructions having reached the crew of the _Goeben_ to return to +Germany, a magnificent Farewell Disembarcation took place last night. At +its conclusion sympathisers presented an illuminated address bearing the +following inscription "To the crew of the _Goeben_ on the occasion of +their final disembarcation before leaving for the Fatherland." + +_Later._--Arrival of the crew of the _Goeben_ at Kiel. Great popular +enthusiasm. KAISER orders a Special Disembarcation to take place before +entire Fleet, a duplicate cruiser (in the regretable absence of the +_Goeben_) being lent for the purpose. + + * * * * * + +THE TRUCE. + +PEACE reigns in the club-house on the links. The young men have nearly +all gone, and Morris, our veteran "plus two" member, who generally only +condescends to go round with the pro. and one or two choice players, is +eager for a match with anyone. Only you must play for five shillings for +his wife's branch of the Red Cross Society. + +In the smoke-room over our pipes--cigars are considered wasteful and bad +form--the old conversational warriors look at one another. I glance +across at Sellars, a member of that loathsome, I should say highly +admirable, institution, the National Liberal Club. It is not six weeks +since I denounced him as a pestilent traitor because he demanded, for +some reason, that escapes me, the blockade of a city called Belfast. +And, if I remember, he alluded to me as a traitorous tamperer with the +Army. But now I praise the admirable patriotism of JOHN REDMOND; I +eulogise the financial genius of LLOYD GEORGE; I grow fervid as I +rhapsodise about WINSTON. + +Then Sellars interposes, "My dear fellow, why do you forget the splendid +abnegation of Sir EDWARD CARSON? As for LLOYD GEORGE he may have done +well, but hasn't he AUSTEN at his elbow all the time? Talk about WINSTON +if you like, but, after all, he has only muzzled the German fleet. F. E. +SMITH has done a far more wonderful thing. He has muzzled the British +Press." + +Peace! It is wonderful. Only at the back of my mind there is one sad +thought which I strive to put away from me. Suppose a General Election +comes whilst the war is still on. I, as a patriot, shall have to vote +for the splendid Government. It will be Sellars' duty and joy to support +our splendid Opposition. And, if we all act in the same way, we shall +have those wretched--what funny slips one's pen makes!--those adorable +Radicals back in power for another five years. + +But when the war is over and we see a free Europe I promise myself one +reward. The night when peace is proclaimed I shall seek out Sellars and +tell him just what I think about LLOYD GEORGE; and I haven't the +slightest doubt that he will celebrate the occasion by some venomous +abuse of BONAR LAW. + +You see at present we are handicapped; we are just Englishmen. + + * * * * * + +Another Impending Apology. + + "The first editor of GOLFING was Mr. Thomas Marlowe, who is now + editor of the _Daily Mail_. On the other hand, there have been + several editors of GOLFING who have since risen to positions of + distinction."--_Golfing._ + + * * * * * + +Illustration: TO ARMS! RECRUITING-SERGEANT PUNCH. "NOW, MY LADS, YOUR +COUNTRY WANTS YOU. WHO'S FOR THE FRONT?" + + * * * * * + +Illustration: UNDER MARTIAL LAW. + +"NOW MIND, MARY, IF A SENTRY ASKS YOU WHO YOU ARE, YOU MUST IMMEDIATELY +ANSWER, 'FRIEND.'" + +"YES, 'M, BUT WHAT AM I TO SAY IF HE ASKS ME HOW BABY IS?" + + * * * * * + +THE ATTACK ON GERMAN TRADE. + +Those mistaken persons who maintain that "music has no frontiers" have +been sharply rebuked by the patriotic action of the management of +certain concerts, who boldly opened the season by expelling all German +music from their programmes. It is all very well to say that this is +confounding the Germany that we honour and admire with the Germany of +the other sort, of which we have had more than enough. The step has been +taken on the highest patriotic grounds, and although the ban has been +partially removed since the season began, it is clearly indicated that +this conciliatory attitude will only last so long as the main German +fleet continues to skulk behind the defences of Kiel. If there is any +aggressive movement, then let it be understood that TSCHAIKOWSKI'S +_Pathetique_ Symphony will be worn threadbare by nightly repetition +sooner than that we should have any truck with BRAHMS, WAGNER or BACH. + +Already the occupation of Brussels has caused the scratching (at the +very last moment) of the SCHUMANN concerto. + +Of course there is more in it than meets the eye. If all German music is +eliminated there are bound to be prodigious gaps which must be filled up +somehow. Very well. The result can only be a new state of activity in +the home composing industry. This is no time for giving away secrets, +but perhaps we may be allowed to say that the continued attendance last +week of Sir HENRY WOOD at the offices of the Board of Trade can only +mean that he too is taking his part in a comprehensive and +well-considered plan for making war on German industries. Now is the +time for the native producer to get to work. Germany must once and for +all be ousted from this market. There need be no difficulty in obtaining +samples, and we look to British industry and enterprise to do the rest. + +We are not sure that neutrals should be allowed into this thing. An +exception might be made in the case of Italy, but, apart from her, we +should limit the exotic features in our programmes to the works of our +allies in the field. It might give a needed fillip to the national music +of Japan. + + * * * * * + +How it strikes our Contemporaries. + + "Yesterday's eclipse of the sun was itself eclipsed by the world + shadow. Shortly after noon a large inky blot obscured nearly + three-quarters of the sun's surface and a violet haze hung over + London, but very few people were heeding the phenomenon in the sky. + The hawkers, even, were too busy selling patriotic favours to offer + smoked glasses."--_Daily Mail._ + + "Londoners did not permit the war to eclipse the eclipse. The + hawkers' cry, 'Smoked glass a penny,' was heard everywhere, and + there was a ready sale for the pieces of glass which enabled one to + view the darkening of the sun." _Daily Mirror._ + +The allies should come to a better agreement than this. + + * * * * * + +"Spies Output Down Again," says a contemporary, and we were just going +to congratulate the authorities when we discovered that it referred to a +Petroleum Company. + + * * * * * + +THE FATAL GIFT. + +People say to me sometimes, "Oh, _you_ know Woolman, don't you?" I +acknowledge that I do, and, after the silence that always ensues, I add, +"If you want to say anything against him, please go on." You can almost +hear the sigh of relief that goes up. "I thought he was a friend of +yours," they say cheerfully. "But, of course, if----" and then they +begin. + +I think it is time I explained my supposed friendship for Ernest +Merrowby Woolman--confound him. + +The affair began in a taxicab two years ago. Andrew had been dining with +me that night; we walked out to the cab-rank together; I told the driver +where to go, and Andrew stepped in, waved good-bye to me from the +window, and sat down suddenly upon something hard. He drew it from +beneath him, and found it was an extremely massive (and quite new) +silver cigar-case. He put it in his pocket with the intention of giving +it to the driver when he got out, but quite naturally forgot. Next +morning he found it on his dressing-table. So he put it in his pocket +again, meaning to leave it at Scotland Yard on his way to the City. + +Next morning it was on his dressing-table again. + +This went on for some days. After a week or so Andrew saw that it was +hopeless to try to get a cigar-case back to Scotland Yard in this casual +sort of way; it must be taken there deliberately by somebody who had a +morning to spare and was willing to devote it to this special purpose. +He placed the case, therefore, prominently on a small table in the +dining-room to await the occasion; calling also the attention of his +family to it, as an excuse for an outing when they were not otherwise +engaged. + +At times he used to say, "I must really take that cigar-case to Scotland +Yard to-morrow." + +At other times he would say, "Somebody must really take that cigar-case +to Scotland Yard to-day." + +And so the weeks rolled on ... + +It was about a year later that I first got mixed up with the thing. I +must have dined with the Andrews several times without noticing the +cigar-case, but on this occasion it caught my eye as we wandered out to +join the ladies, and I picked it up carelessly. Well, not exactly +carelessly; it was too heavy for that. + +"Why didn't you tell me," I said, "that you had stood for Parliament and +that your supporters had consoled you with a large piece of plate? +Hallo, they've put the wrong initials on it. How unbusiness-like." + +"Oh, _that_?" said Andrew. "Is it still there?" + +"Why not? It's quite a solid little table. But you haven't explained why +your constituents, who must have seen your name on hundreds of posters, +thought your initials were E. M. W." + +Andrew explained. + +"Then it isn't yours at all?" I said in amazement. + +"Of course not." + +"But, my dear man, this is theft. Stealing by finding, they call it. You +could get"--I looked at him almost with admiration--"you could get two +years for this;" and I weighed the cigar-case in my hand. "I believe +you're the only one of my friends who could be certain of two years," I +went on musingly. "Let's see, there's----" + +"Nonsense," said Andrew uneasily. "But still, perhaps I'd better take it +back to Scotland Yard to-morrow." + +"And tell them you've kept it for a year? They'd run you in at once. No, +what you want to do is to get rid of it without their knowledge. But +how--that's the question. You can't give it away because of the +initials." + +"It's easy enough. I can leave it in another cab, or drop it in the +river." + +"Andrew, Andrew," I cried, "you're determined to go to prison! Don't you +know from all the humorous articles you've ever read that, if you _try_ +to lose anything, then you never can? It's one of the stock remarks one +makes to women in the endeavour to keep them amused. No, you must think +of some more subtle way of disposing of it." + +"I'll pretend it's yours," said Andrew more subtly, and he placed it in +my pocket. + +"No, you don't," I said. "But I tell you what I will do. I'll take it +for a week and see if I can get rid of it. If I can't, I shall give it +you back and wash my hands of the whole business--except, of course, for +the monthly letter or whatever it is they allow you at the Scrubbs. You +may still count on me for that." + +And then the extraordinary thing happened. The next morning I received a +letter from a stranger, asking for some simple information which I could +have given him on a post-card. And so I should have done--or possibly, I +am afraid, have forgotten to answer at all--but for the way that the +letter ended up. + + "_Yours very truly_, + _ERNEST M. WOOLMAN._" + +The magic initials! It was a chance not to be missed. I wrote +enthusiastically back and asked him to lunch. + +He came. I gave him all the information he wanted, and lots more. +Whether he was a pleasant sort of person or not I hardly noticed; I was +so very pleasant myself. + +He returned my enthusiasm. He asked me to dine with him the following +week. A little party at the Savoy--his birthday, you know. + +I accepted gladly. I rolled up at the party with my little present ... a +massive silver cigar-case ... suitably engraved. + + *** + +So there you are. He clings to me. He seems to have formed the absurd +idea that I am fond of him. A few months after that evening at the Savoy +he was married. I was invited to the wedding--confound him. Of course I +had to live up to my birthday present; the least I could do was an +enormous silver cigar-box (not engraved), which bound me to him still +more strongly. + +By that time I realised that I hated him. He was pushing, familiar, +everything that I disliked. All my friends wondered how I had become so +intimate with him ... + +Well, now they know. And the original E. M. W., if he has the sense to +read this article, knows. If he cares to prosecute Ernest Merrowby +Woolman for being in possession of stolen goods I shall be glad to give +him any information. Woolman is generally to be found leaving my rooms +at about 6.30 in the evening, and a smart detective could easily nab him +as he steps out. + + A. A. M. + + * * * * * + +FORTUNE'S FAVOURITE. + + Dear maiden of the sunny head + And cheeks of coral hue, + The lips of rarest ruby red, + The eyes of Oxford blue, + And other charms I've left unsaid ... + Ah, how I envy you! + + Heedless of half a world at war + You neither strive nor cry; + Though danger knocks at England's door + There's laughter in your sky: + You ask not what she's fighting for, + Nor reck the reason why. + + You little guess, you never will, + The force that nerves this fist + To toil away for you until + My mind is like a mist; + The lack of money for the mill, + The growing dearth of grist. + + Ah, since amid a world grown wild, + And horrors still half told, + Peace has her palace round you piled, + By all the gods I hold + You are a very lucky child, + My little Nine-months-old. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _Officer Commanding Squad (about to cross Waterloo +Bridge.)_ "'ALT! BREAK STEP! LARGE COLUMNS OF TROOPS WHEN CROSSIN' +BRIDGES IS COMMANDED TO 'BREAK STEP' SO THAT THE UNISON OF THEIR TREAD +MAY NOT DANGEROUSLY THREATEN THE STERBILITY OF THE BRIDGE." + + * * * * * + +A CANDIDATE FOR THE FORCE. + +"I want to enrol myself as a Special Constable," I said to the man in +mufti behind the desk. + +"Well, don't let me stop you," he remarked. "The Police Station is next +door. This is a steam laundry." + +A minute later I began again:-- + +"I want to enrol myself as a Steam Laund--that is to say, as a Special +Constable." + +"Certainly, Sir," said the Inspector in charge. "Your name and address?" + +I opened my cigarette-case and placed a card on the desk. + +"The name of the house is pronounced _Song Soocee_," I said, "not, as +spelt, Sans Souci." + +The Inspector handed me back the card. It was a cigarette-picture +representing the proper method of bandaging a displaced knee-cap. I +rectified the error, and he entered the information in a book. + +"I must ask if you are a British subject?" he inquired. + +"You might almost describe me as super-British," I replied. "There is a +tradition in my family that my ancestors were on Hastings Pier when the +Conqueror arrived." + +"Thank you. That will be all." + +"You don't want me to give references, one of which must be a clergyman +or a J.P.? You don't require me to state previous experience, if any, or +any details of that sort?" + +"Oh, no," he answered. "That'll be all right. You are no doubt familiar +with squad drill?" + +"Splendid! I had no idea it was used in the Force." + +"Eight turn--left turn--about turn--form fours--and so on?" + +"I beg your pardon," I said, "but what did you call that?" + +"Squad drill, Sir." + +"O-o-h! I thought you said 'quadrille'. But I know the turns. Right turn, +I turn to the right; left turn, I turn to the left; about turn, I turn +just about, but not quite; form fours, I form--excuse me, but how does +_one_ man form fours?" + +"There will, of course, be others," replied the Inspector. "You'll soon +pick it up. And please state at what hours of the day you would be +prepared to take duty." + +"Well," I said, "I've practically nothing to do from the time I get +up--half-past ten--until mid-day. I could also manage to spare +half-an-hour between afternoon-tea and dinner. And I could just drop in +here about eleven at night to see if things were going along all right. +Now, if you'll kindly fetch me a bull's-eye lantern, a life-preserver, a +bullet-proof tunic, some indiarubber boots, a revolver, and a letter of +introduction to some of the most skilful cooks in the neighbourhood I +can put in one crowded hour of joyous life before I'm due on the links." + +"Just a moment," said the Inspector. "I don't want to discourage you, +but kindly cast your eye over these paragraphs;" and he handed me a +printed circular. "You will see that it will be necessary for you to +perform four consecutive hours' duty." + +"Good heavens," I exclaimed, "I don't think I shall be able to manage +that. I'm in the middle of an important jig-saw; I'm expecting a new +motor-car to arrive any minute; and I have a slight head-cold. However, +if my country calls me, I will see what can be arranged." + +I noticed the Inspector's look of admiration at my bull-dog resolution, +so to hide my blushes I perused the circular. + +"I see," I said, "that we are each supplied with 'one armlet.' What's an +armlet?". + +"A badge that goes round your arm." + +"Of course! How stupid of me! Just like a bracelet goes round one's--no, +that won't do. Just like a gimlet goes--no, that doesn't either. I can't +think of a simile, but I quite understand. Then we have 'one whistle.' +What's that for? To whistle on if I feel lonely?" + +"To summon assistance if you should require it." + +"I have an idea that my whistle will be overworked. Shall I be able to +get a new one when the original's worn out?" + +The Inspector thought there would be no difficulty in my getting +rewhistled. + +"'One truncheon,'" I continued. "That, of course, is to trunch with. One +truncheon, though, seems rather niggardly. I should prefer two, one in +each hand. 'One note-book'--is that for autographs and original +contributions from my brother Specials?" + +"For noting names and addresses and details of cases," explained the +Inspector. "For instance, if, when on duty, you saw Jack Johnson +committing a breach of the peace you would--" + +"Blow my whistle hard--" + +"Certainly not. You would take his name and address and note it down." + +"And if he refused it I could then whistle for help?" + +"No, you would at once arrest him." + +"What's the earliest possible moment at which it would be etiquette to +blow my whistle?" + +"When he offered resistance. Then you could whistle." + +"No, I couldn't," I said, "not unless my equipment included one pair of +bellows. Do you mean to tell me that I should be expected to arrest a +man of infinitely superior physique to my own with no other weapons than +one armlet, one whistle, one truncheon and one note-book? Surely I should +be allowed to run for the Mayor and get him to read the Riot Act? If +not, I can only say a policeman's lot is----" + +"Not a happy one?" put in the Inspector. + +"I was going to say a policeman's lot is a lot too much. Would you +kindly cross my name off your list?" + +"I crossed it off some minutes ago," replied the Inspector. + + * * * * * + +THE WATCH DOGS. + +II. + +DEAR CHARLES,--Another letter from the back of the front for you. You +will be glad to hear that your Terrier is settling down in his temporary +kennel and sharpening his teeth in due course. The time will come when +you may look your gift dog in the mouth and be not disappointed, we +hope, by the view. + +We received orders a day or two ago to take up our beds and walk; that +is, a couple of officers and a hundred odd of the men were told off to +execute a flank movement on a neighbouring township where there is a +range, and do our damnedest with the poor old targets. So we put our +oddments in our pillow-case, rolled up our bedrooms into a convenient +bundle and trekked. We were assured that we should be back at our base +within the week, but we have learnt to take no chances. We have but one +form of movement, the _tout ensemble_. + +It is quite refreshing to step, over a hundred strong, into a village +with no pre-arranged scheme of board and lodging. Like every other +wanderer in a strange part, we turn first to the policeman. We march +towards him at attention; we call a halt at the base of his feet, and +then, with the courtesy of the gentleman and the brevity of the soldier, +we inform him that we have arrived. The next development is up to him. + +It is not to him, however, that we owe our temporary rest. It is to that +irrepressible and indefatigable unit, the Boy Scout. Charles, I believe +we'd all be lying out in the rain at this moment but for that +assistance. The equipment of the Boy Scout on billeting duty consists of +a piece of white chalk and a menacing demeanour. Thus armed, he knocks +at every likely door, wishes the householder a good morning and +registers on the door-frame the number of men that may be left till +called for within, even while the policeman is still endeavouring to +explain the international situation and the military exigencies to the +slow-thinking rustic. Many formidable obstacles lie in our path, we +know, but we are comforted by the thought that the Boy Scout isn't one +of them. If, in the next generation, Britain continues to exist as a +nation and not as a depot for the training of waiters in the Berlin +restaurants, then indeed we shall have something to rely on in these +adaptable young fellows. + +The host upon whom we officers were thrust was quite polite as long as +our Boy Scout stood by, but, left to himself, turned out crusty. He was +rather too old to turn into the perfect hotel proprietor all in a +minute, and, as he put it, "he couldn't see his way" to do this and that +for us. He was prepared to do all he had to do, but no more. +Unfortunately we were not as well up in the regulations as our youthful +and now departed protector. So we went out and did a bit of billeting on +our own. It is an odd experience, this knocking at somebody's door and, +upon being asked what one has come for, answering, "To stay." For +ourselves we thought that the Rector would be a good man to experiment +on. These parsons are used to being victimised and are known not to be +too harsh upon the delinquent. So off we went to the Rectory, +significantly handling our hilts and twirling our military stubbles. But +the essence of war is surprise, and it was the Rector's wife who +confronted our attack. + +I said, upon enquiry, that I couldn't say what we wanted but placed +myself unreservedly in my colleague's hands. I then took a pace to the +rear and prepared to retire in good order. Robertson's whole efforts +were concentrated on refraining from taking off his cap, as behoves a +gentleman, but not an officer, and the Rector's wife remained amiable +but on the defensive. Charles, our position was a hopeless one and our +careers had concluded then and there but for the arrival of the ally. +Boy Scouts are as tactful as they are forgiving; he accepted our +explanation and apology to himself and he explained for us and +apologised to the Rector's wife. It was little he had to say, for never +was a less reluctant and more efficient billettee. This kind lady has +not only made our sojourn one long series of simple luxuries, she has +been through the whole of our kit and washed and repaired the lot. Think +what you may about the Church when you are a civilian in affluence, but +when you are a soldier in distress turn to it first for succour. + +Lastly, a minor incident of a regretable nature. Halting on the march +yesterday for our transport to catch up (our transport is known as +Lieutenant Pearson's Circus) I discovered one of our dusty thirsty +warriors having made his illegal entrance into a public-house by an +emergency door. There he stood with a glisten in his eyes and his hand +just about to grasp the pewter pot! Out he went under sentence of death +by slow torture, and there was I left, with a thirst such as I have +never before believed to be possible, alone with a pewter pot, with the +foam just brimming over the top ... alone, unseen, undiscoverable ... + + Your fallen Friend, + HENRY. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: THE LANGUAGE OF THE HOUR. + +_Irate Lady (firing Parthian shot after marital misunderstanding)._ +"Yer--yer bloomin' Oolan!" + + * * * * * + +LITERARY GOSSIP. + +The Autumn publishing season will undoubtedly be affected by the war, +several firms having decided to withhold most of their forthcoming +books. Messrs. Odder and Thynne, however, being convinced that the +reading public cannot subsist entirely on newspapers, have with great +public spirit resolved to publish their full programme, which is +unusually full of works of interest. + + * * * * * + +The foremost place in their list is allotted to Principal Toshley +Potts's volume of essays, which bear the attractive title of _The Hill +of Havering_. Principal Potts was recently hailed by Sir NICHOLSON +ROBERTS as "the Scots A. C. Benson," and this felicitous analogy will, +we feel sure, be triumphantly vindicated by the contents of this +epoch-making work, which by the way is dedicated to Dr. Emery Cawker, of +the University of Brashville, Ga. + + * * * * * + +Another work of outstanding significance is a volume of poems, entitled +_Kailyard Carols_, from the accomplished pen of Mr. Alan Bodgers, whom +Mr. DAVID LYALL, in a three-column article in the _Penman_, recently +declared to be the finest lyric poet since SHELLEY, and Mr. LYALL seldom +makes a mistake. Mr. Bodgers, it may be added, is the sub-editor of the +_Kilspindie Courant_, and has a handicap of twenty-two at the local golf +club. + + * * * * * + +Very welcome also is the announcement that Professor Hector McGollop has +undertaken to edit a series of Manuals of Moral Uplift, to which he will +contribute the opening volume on _The Art of Unction_. Other +contributors to the series are Dr. Talisker Dinwiddie, Principal Marcus +Tonks and the Rev. Bandley Chadd. + + * * * * * + +In the department of fiction the most remarkable of the novelties +promised by Messrs. Odder and Thynne is _The Nut's Progress_, by Mr. +EWAN STRAW. It will be remembered that in a four-column review of Mr. +STRAW'S last book, _Nothing Doing_, which appeared in the Xmas number of +the _Book Booster_, Sir CLEMENT SHORTHOUSE declared that this talented +fictionist combined the lilt of FRANK SMEDLEY (the author of _Frank +Fairleigh_) with the whimsicality of BARRIE and the austere morality of +ANNIE SWAN. Otherwise we may be sure the firm of Odder and Thynne would +never have published a work with so risky a title. + + * * * * * + +PERHAPS. + + Of wolves that wear sheep's clothing + The world has long been full, + But I've a special loathing + For one in Berlin wool. + + Although the wool may cover + Not more than half the beast, + Perhaps when all is over + He'll be entirely fleeced. + + W. W. + + * * * * * + + "MAGNIFICENT BEQUEST TO THE LOUVRE. Sunspot Visible to the Naked + Eye." + + _Times._ + +France seems to have acquired Germany's spot in the sun. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _Ethel (in apprehensive whisper which easily reaches her +German governess, to whom she is deeply attached)._ "MOTHER, SHALL WE +HAVE TO KILL FRAeULEIN?" + + * * * * * + +REASONING IN THE RANKS. + +[_Several journals have pointed out that the type of recruit now +offering himself is in a high degree capable of reasoning and +initiative._] + +"Now I want any of you who are puzzled about anything to ask questions +about it," said the instructing sergeant-major ... and anon: + +"Right about, Number 3 of the front rank! There is no such thing as left +about turn. Squad, form----" + +"Excuse me," interrupted Number 3, "but why do you say that there is no +such thing as left about turn?" + +"Because there isn't," said the sergeant-major unsympathetically. + +"But, my good man," urged Number 3, "there must be. I've just done it. +Why, look here!" + +He did it again. + +"Such a movement is not in the drill-book," said the sergeant-major +curtly. + +"But," protested Number 3, "you told us yourself only yesterday that +very few of the total possible commands _are_ in the drill-book. For +instance, there is no provision for lining a railway embankment, often, +I understand, a salutary and even vital evolution." + +The sergeant-major considered. + +"There's no use," he said at last weightily, "'avin' _two_ ways of doin' +anything when one will do. It is generally considered that right about +turn is enough ways of turning about for any one man." + +"By all means," admitted the recruit generously, "let us be frugal. +Frugality is the mainspring of efficiency. One way of turning about is +ample for me. But why right rather than left?" + +"Because right's right, and that's all there is to it," said the +sergeant-major, who was tiring of the argument. + +"Exactly," admitted Number 3, "and left's left, and _that_ leaves us +just where we started. Now if the War Office had tossed up and made a +general decision in favour of right I could understand the position. But +my impression is that this is not so. Thus, if I were to step off with +the right foot----" + +"Shut your face," said the sergeant-major, "and do what you're told. +Squad! A-bout---- Turn!" + +"Reasoning," observed Number 3, "is lost upon yonder survival of the old +school of stereotyped militarism. The hour for initiative has arrived." + +And by way of protest he executed a neat left about turn. + + * * * * * + +GUNS OF VERDUN + + Guns of Verdun point to Metz + From the plated parapets; + Guns of Metz grin back again + O'er the fields of fair Lorraine. + + Guns of Metz are long and grey + Growling through a summer day; + Guns of Verdun, grey and long, + Boom an echo of their song. + + Guns of Metz to Verdun roar, + "Sisters, you shall foot the score;" + Guns of Verdun say to Metz, + "Fear not, for we pay our debts." + + Guns of Metz they grumble, "When?" + Guns of Verdun answer then, + "Sisters, when to guard Lorraine + Gunners lay you East again!" + + * * * * * + +Illustration: AT THE POST OF HONOUR. + +LIBERTY (_to Belgium_)--"TAKE COMFORT. YOUR COURAGE IS VINDICATED; YOUR +WRONGS SHALL BE AVENGED." + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +(EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.) + +_House of Lords, Tuesday, Aug. 25._--After fortnight's recess Parliament +meets again. Scene mightily changed. At time of adjournment country on +brink of war. Now in thick of it. + +Contrary to custom interest centred in Chamber at this end of corridor. +Man of the moment is the tall strongly-framed figure that enters on +stroke of appointed hour and marches with soldierly step to Ministerial +Bench. This is KITCHENER, Secretary of State for War, primed with +message from the Army which, making its first stand at Mons, had a +baptism of fire that lasted thirty-six hours. + +With characteristic modesty the new Minister seated himself at lower end +of Bench. CREWE presently arriving signalled him to come up higher. +Accordingly seated himself next to LEADER OF HOUSE. Thence rose at +half-past four to make his maiden speech, a deliverance effected under +rarely momentous circumstances. Brought with him one of those "scraps of +paper" which the KAISER scorns when they contain such trifling matter as +a solemn treaty with a neighbouring nation. On this KITCHENER, more at +home on the battlefield than in a place where a man's business is to +talk, had written his speech. + +It was brief, manly, simple. Made haste to point out that, though +associated with the Cabinet, holding high office in the Government, his +appearance on the Ministerial Bench did not imply that he belonged to +any political party. + +"As a soldier," he said, "I have no politics." + +House startled to hear him add that his occupation of the post of +Secretary of State for War is temporary. Terms of his service are those +of the recruits for the new Army. He is engaged to serve during the war. +If it lasts longer than three years, then for three years only. + +Faced by grim suggestion that the war just opening may last for three +years, a deeper gravity fell over listening House. KITCHENER +pre-eminently a man who knows what he is talking about. And here he was +in level tones, unruffled manner, taking into account the contingency of +the war lasting three years. + +That this was no idle conjecture, rather a well-thought-out possibility +intelligently provided for, appeared when he went on to describe how the +contingency must be faced. The enemy had already brought his full +resources into the field. It was a maximum which, after a succession of +days like last Sunday, must necessarily diminish. On the other hand, +whilst we have put a comparatively small force afoot, there is behind +it, at home and in the Colonies, a vast reserve which, diligently +trained and organised, will steadily reinforce the fighting line. In the +course of six or seven months there will be a total of thirty divisions, +continually kept up to full fighting strength. + +Nor was that all. + +"If," said the soldier-Minister, "the war be protracted, and if its +fortune be varied or adverse, exertions and sacrifices beyond any +already demanded will be required from the whole nation and Empire." + +Ominous words increasing prevalent gloom. At least satisfactory to know +that in his official communications KITCHENER will always cheer us by +presenting to closest view the worst that has actually happened or is +possibly in store. + +_Business done._--KITCHENER makes his maiden speech. + +Illustration: ANOTHER "SCRAP OF PAPER." (K. of K.) + +_House of Commons, Wednesday._--No one looking in on House this +afternoon would imagine that the country is engaged in an armed fight, +issues of which will in one direction or another transform the aspect of +Europe. Atmosphere unruffled. "Business as usual" the order of the day. + +Pretty full attendance considering House has with brief intervals been +in session since February and meets again at what in normal times would +be period of full recess. PREMIER on Treasury Bench at opening of +sitting. Having answered a few questions, withdrew to his private room +and was no more seen. + +LLOYD GEORGE, left in charge, moved through various stages series of +emergency measures. + +On Currency and Bank Note Bill question of design of new twenty-shilling +and ten-shilling notes came up. Some disrespectful things said of it. +CHANCELLOR OF EXCHEQUER admitted its imperfection but pleaded that in +the hurried circumstances of the day it was the best that could be done. +Exception especially taken on score that the design made forgery easy. +Here the CHANCELLOR differed. + +"I have been told by an expert in these matters," he said, with the +pleased air of one recalling the dictum of a respected friend, "that the +plainer the design on a note the more difficult it is to forge it." + +All the same the notes are to be called in and replaced. + +_Business done._--Second reading of Bill giving Government blank cheque +for meeting expenses of war carried without debate or division. + +_Thursday._--PREMIER'S surpassing gift of speech, equally concise and +eloquent, never more brilliantly displayed than this afternoon. Proposed +Resolution conveying expression of sympathy and admiration for heroic +resistance offered by the Belgian Army and people to wanton invasion of +their territory. In speech that occupied less than ten minutes in +delivery the PREMIER, himself moved to loftiest pitch of righteous +indignation, touched deepest feelings of a crowded House. + +Referring to Great Britain's intervention in "a quarrel in which it had +no direct concern," he pointed out that the country threw away the +scabbard only when confronted by necessity of choice between keeping and +breaking solemn obligations, between the discharge of a binding trust +and a shameless subservience. + +A deep-throated cheer approved his emphatic declaration, "We do not +repent our decision." + +Cheers rang forth again when in another fine passage he said, "The +Belgians have won for themselves the immortal glory which belongs to a +people who prefer freedom to ease, to security, even to life itself. We +are proud of their alliance and their friendship. We salute them with +respect and honour. We are with them heart and soul." + +Difficult to follow outburst of genuine eloquence like this, delivered +with thrilling force. BONAR LAW in equally brief speech voiced hearty +acquiescence of Opposition in Resolution. JOHN REDMOND, associating +Ireland whole-heartedly with it, made practical suggestion, that, +instead of lending Belgium ten millions as proposed, we should hand the +money over to her as a free gift, an instalment of a just debt. + +_Business done._--More Emergency Bills advanced by stages. Ominous hint +of fresh taxation dropped by CHANCELLOR. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: FOR NEUTRAL CONSUMPTION. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: GERMAN KAISER. "We are not satisfied with Our moustache; +it seems to need support on the Eastern side." + + * * * * * + +BLANCHE'S LETTERS + +THE WAR SPIRIT + + _Park Lane._ + +DEAREST DAPHNE,--There was a big party of us at the Clackmannans' Scotch +place, Blairbinkie, when all these fearful things began to happen--and +now where are we all? The Flummery boys and ever so many more of the +party are at the front with their regiments. The Duke of Clackmannan is +at the head of the Clackmannan Yeomanry. Norty's gone off to help take +care of the East coast, and it's lucky to have _him_ helping to protect +it and keep watch, for if there's _anybody_ who could see things coming +sooner than anybody else it's Norty! + +Stella, Beryl, Babs and your Blanche are all back in Town, and when +we're not taking lessons in nursing we're sewing at flannel. I make +Yvonne do my hair quite, _quite_ plainly, and I'm giving my jewels to my +country. I've already given my dear collar of pearls. I gave that first +because I love it best of all my jewels, because it can _never_ be +replaced, and because pearls suit me better than _any_ other stone. + +All our first fingers are covered with pricks and look immensely horrid, +but we glory in it and won't even put any cold cream on them! As I said +yesterday afternoon, when we were all sewing away at flannel, if _any_ +woman, I don't care _who_, offered me her hand and I saw that the first +finger was _smooth_ I'd refuse to take it! Beryl must needs weigh in +with, "But, my dear Blanche, she wouldn't offer you her _left_ hand! +It's the _left_ forefinger that gets punished in needlework." "The +principle is the same," I answered coldly. "And besides, some people are +left-handed." Beryl has decent qualities, I know, and one doesn't want +to find fault with anyone just now, but she was always like that--and +her _hemming_, dearest! + +Babs is wild to go to the front, but I say she'd be only a nuisance +until she knows more about nursing. Someone told me the other day, +_a propos_ of untrained women going to the front and hindering instead of +helping, that during the last war a poor dear in one of the hospitals +had his hair parted _fifty_ times in an hour by _fifty_ different +people, and nearly got brain-fever. + +There was a man in the party at Blairbinkie who, before we were at war, +talked _fervidly_ of what he should do for his country if trouble came. +I had not liked Hector Swankington the least little bit before that, but +when he said that, in the event of war, he would raise a troop at his +own expense, call it "Swankington's Horse" and lead it himself "wherever +the fighting was hottest," I thought I'd not done him justice. So I +listened to him and approved and encouraged the plan. And then the storm +burst and we all scattered. The other morning I met him in the Park when +I was taking my early walk. He asked if I would dine with him some +evening at the "Iridescent," and I said it was not a time for dining at +restaurants. "No," he agreed, "it certainly isn't now all the French +cooks are gone; and what an idiotic idea this is about reducing the +number of courses at dinner! Silly rot, I call it!" + +I ignored this and asked, "What about 'Swankington's Horse'?" + +"Oh! that's all off," he said huffily. "I wrote to the authorities about +raising the troop, asked what State recognition I should get, and +enclosed a drawing of the hat I meant to wear as leader--a ripping +scheme, turned up at one side and with a bunch of feathers. All the +answer I got was a few brief words of acknowledgment and a request to +set about it at once and report myself somewhere or other. Not a word of +the State recognition I was to receive, and the drawing of the hat +returned with 'Not approved' scrawled across it. So I've chucked the +whole business. And now don't let us talk of _that_ any more!" + +I gave him my freezing look (you've never seen my freezing look, +dearest--it's _terrible_!) and I said with a little calm deadly manner +that I very, _very_ seldom use, "I've no wish to talk to you of +_that_--or of anything else--ever again." And I left him. + +The party at Blairbinkie that scattered almost as soon as it assembled +was by way of being a farewell to the old place, for the Clackmannans +had virtually sold it to a Mr. Spragg, of Pittsburg. He was going to +have the old castle taken across in bits and set up again in +Pennsylvania; and he was taking all the family portraits, the mausoleum, +the old trees in the park and the stags at a valuation, as well as the +village itself with all its cottages and people, in order that the +castle might have its proper _setting_ out there. There were two more +things he wanted included in the bargain--a village idiot and a family +ghost ("hereditary spectre," he called it). + +Ah, my dear! all this belongs to the happy old days of a hundred years +ago, when we were all three or four weeks younger. The man from +Pittsburg, so far from being able to buy Blairbinkie, hardly knows where +to look for his next meal, and as for shipping castles and trees and +mausoleums and village idiots and family ghosts across the Atlantic he +only wishes he could get _himself_ across, even if he had to work his +passage! + +Josiah is at the uttermost ends of the earth. He went in June, about +rubber-mines or oil-concessions, I'm not sure which. I had a cable from +him the other day from a place that began with "Boo" and ended with +"atty"--I forget what came between. He told me not to be anxious, that +he'd get back when and how he could. My answer was, "Not anxious. +Wherever you are you'd better stay there, or you may get taken prisoner +by those creatures, and then I'd never forgive you!" + +Talking of prisoners reminds me of a rumour about the +Bullyon-Boundermeres. They were cruising somewhere in their new big +steam-yacht when war broke out, and now there's a report that the enemy +have taken the yacht and turned it into a cruiser; that the +Bullyon-Boundermere people are prisoners on board, and that they're +making _her_ wash dishes and forcing _him_ to work as a stoker or a +bulkhead or some fearful thing of that kind! This is not _official_, my +dear, but I give it you for what it's worth. + +I called a little meeting here yesterday about a scheme of mine. Beryl +and Babs and your Blanche and several more of us are really _crack_ +shots, and I want to form us into a band of rifle-women and ask the +Powers that be to let us guard some important place--a bridge or a bank +or a powder magazine. We should wear a distinctive uniform, and we +wouldn't let anyone come _near_! Babs said she hoped the uniform would +be smart and becoming, but I soon shut her up. "This is not a time to +think of cut or colour," I told her. "Myself, I shouldn't care _how_ my +uniform was cut--even if the _shoulder_ seams were at the _elbows_. And +as for colour I'd wear _grass-green_, though it's a colour in which I +look a mere _fiend_, if it would help my country!" And Beryl and Babs +cried and kissed me. + + Ever thine, + BLANCHE. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _The Lady of the House_, "JUST THE PERSON I WANTED TO +SEE. I'VE STARTED TEN COMMITTEES IN CONNECTION WITH THE WAR AND I WANT +YOUR HELP." + +_Visitor._ "MY _DEAR_! I'VE JUST STARTED TWELVE AND I SIMPLY _COUNTED_ +ON YOU!" + + * * * * * + + "The Suez Canal has brought St. Helena much closer than in + Napoleonic days." + + _T.P.'s Weekly._ + +In the same way the opening of the Panama Canal has made Heligoland much +more adjacent than in Lord SALISBURY'S days. + + * * * * * + +ODE TO JOHN BRADBURY. + +(_The new notes for_ L1 _and_ 10s. _are signed by JOHN BRADBURY._) + + When the Red KAISER, swoll'n with impious pride + And stuffed with texts to serve his instant need, + Took Shame for partner and Disgrace for guide, + Earned to the full the hateful traitor's meed, + And bade his hordes advance + Through Belgium's cities towards the fields of France; + And when at last our patient island race, + By the attempted wrong + Made fierce and strong, + Flung back the challenge in the braggart's face, + Oh then, while martial music filled the air, + Clarion and fife and bagpipe and the drum, + Calling to men to muster, march, and dare, + Oh, then thy day, JOHN BRADBURY, was come. + + JOHN BRADBURY, the Muse shall fill my strain + To sing thy praises; thou hadst spent thy time + Not idly, nor hadst lived thy life in vain, + Unfitted for the guerdon of my rhyme. + For lo, the Funds went sudden crashing down, + And men grew pale with monetary fear, + And in the toppling mart + The stoutest heart + Melted, and fortunes seemed to disappear; + And some, forgetting their austere renown, + Went mad and sold + Whate'er they could and wildly called for Gold! + + "Since through no fault of ours the die was cast + We shall go forth and fight + In death's despite + And shall return victorious at the last; + But how, ah how," they said, + "Shall we and ours be fed + And clothed and housed from dreary day to day, + If, while our hearths grow cold, we have no coin to pay?" + + Then thou, where no gold was and little store + Of silver, didst appear and wave thy pen, + And with thy signature + Make things secure, + Bidding us all pluck up our hearts once more + And face our foolish fancied fears like men. + "I give you notes," you said, "of different kinds + To ease your anxious minds: + The one is black and shall be fairly found + Equal in value to a golden pound; + The other--mark its healthy scarlet print-- + Is worth a full half-sovereign from the Mint." + + Thus didst thou speak--at least I think thou didst-- + And, lo, the murmurs fell + And all things went right well, + While thy notes fluttered in our happy midst. + Therefore our grateful hearts go forth to thee, + Our British note-provider, brave JOHN BRADBURY! + +R. C. L. + + * * * * * + + "BELGIUM.--Can any member let me know as to what kind of weather to + expect in Belgium towards the end of October, and as to the + condition of the roads? I and my wife propose going a tandem tour at + that time in the Ardennes, Luxembourg, etc. Are most of the hotels + shut for the season at that time? Would the north of France be + preferable?--G. J."--_C. T. C. Gazette._ + +This gentleman is evidently particular. We are half afraid he will not +get quite what he wants. + + * * * * * + +THE COLUMN OF ADVENTURE. + +Even _The Times'_ "agony column," my staple reading during +toast-and-marmalade, suffers from the all-pervading war. Old friends +have dropped out of the column on its war march. No longer does the +Young Gentleman yearning for the idyllic life call on the charitable to +provide him with a year of perfect ease, comfort and luxury. I had hoped +to meet him some day, to draw out his confidences, perchance to edit his +memoirs. "My Check is My Fortune" would be a catchy title. But +apparently the War has put him out of business. The idyllic life has +gone. Another victim. + +His place is being filled by the Sportsman, eager to be up and +shooting--partridges. "Either singly or with a house party," he offers. +He asks only for board, lodging and ammunition. These provided, he is +willing to go for the enemy all September and October. + +Another Sportsman, humbler in aspiration, is prepared to specialise on +rabbits. He is ready to continue the fight until "Peace terms dictated +in Berlin by Allies." + +There has also arisen the Professional Rescuer. He offers to go +abroad--for a cash consideration--and smuggle back stranded relatives. +He does not give particulars of personal appearance, but one may imagine +him as essentially Williamlequeuish--small dark moustache, super-shrewd +eyes, Homburg hat, a revolver in every pocket, speaking six languages +more fluently than the natives, and on terms of intimacy with half the +diplomats of Europe. He would open his conversation with a casual: "The +last time I was chatting with the KAISER (I shall, of course, cut him in +future)...." + +Another occupation has been called into being by the War. It is that of +Berth-Snatcher. He is apparently a City man who has realised all his +securities and invested them in berths and staterooms on Atlantic +Liners. These he now offers "at a small bonus"--exact amount unstated. + +Also interesting is the occupation of Amateur Adviser. He has much +well-intentioned advice to offer to all and sundry: "To the War Office. +It is hoped that something is being done regarding," etc. Or: "Japan, +our Ally, could easily lend us half a million men." + +Presumably the Amateur Adviser has been denied place in the +correspondence columns. + +The Young Hungarian Nobleman, whose remittances have been stopped by the +war, is reminiscent of the original yearner for the idyllic life. "Is +supposed to be of good appearance," he states with obtrusive modesty. + +But the romantic halo around these young aristocrats is rather tarnished +by the Young French Vicomte. When he advertises that he "would +thankfully accept some clothes from English or American gentlemen," one +suspects a snug little second-hand business somewhere in savoury Soho. + + * * * * * + +From a letter in _The Bristol Evening Times_:-- + + "Only last evening I was passing through one of our main + thoroughfares, and saw seven or eight Territorials taking + refreshment in the backbone. I ask in fairness, Is this the + backbone. I ask in fairness, is this patriotic?" + +In fairness we reply. It is neither. + + * * * * * + + "The old Latinist has it, 'Deos vult pedere prius dementas.'" + + _Manx Chronicle._ + +How one's Latin slips from one with advancing age! But he must have been +very old. + + * * * * * + + "The Scheldt can easily be damned."--_Daily Chronicle._ + +So can the KAISER, but it isn't enough to say so. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _Ex-Teuton (to landlady)._ "ACH! MADAME, EET IS ALL +RIGHT! I VOS ENGLEESH NOW! I HAVE TO-DAY MEIN PAPERS OF NATIONALIZATION +TO YOUR HOME OFFICE SENT OFF. DERE VOS SEVERAL OATHS BY HALF-A-DOZEN +PEOPLES TO BE SVORN. IT VOS A TREMENDOUS AFFAIRS!" + + * * * * * + +THE HEROES. + +Once upon a time, many years ago--how many I cannot say, but certainly +it must have been before the Christian era--there lived a sublime +Emperor. After being for long the warmest, if platonic, friend of Peace, +and forcing the world to listen to his loud protestations of fidelity, +he suddenly surprised his hearers by declaring war. + +It was shortly after the opening of hostilities that he was seated on +his throne presenting awards of merit to the bravest of his brave +soldiers. The hall was filled with martial enthusiasm, and the memorable +scene was one in which splendour, animation and the confidence of +rectitude were equally notable. + +The Emperor's noble Vizier, to whose massive mind treaties were of no +more consequence than waste paper, stood at the side of his Imperial +Master to act as introducer of the gallant soldiers whose exploits (with +which the world was ringing) it had been decided to reward although so +early in the campaign--_pour encourager les autres_. + +"The first decorations," remarked the Vizier, "are for deeds of signal +courage." + +He motioned to a stalwart warrior. "This noble son of the Empire," he +said, "with his own bow shot six non-combatants within as many minutes." + +Loud cheers rent the air. + +"Three of them," the Vizier continued, "were women." + +Louder cheers. + +"The other three were old men over seventy." + +Immense enthusiasm. + +"This determined hacker-through," the Vizier continued, as another giant +stood forth, "shot an unarmed priest." + +More enthusiasm. + +"And," added the Vizier, "burned his temple." + +Amid the plaudits of the flower of the Stale the monarch affixed the +cherished tokens to the heroes' breasts. "My Braves!" he exclaimed. "In +the name of the Fatherland I thank you." + +Another warrior stepped out and saluted. + +"And what, my friend," asked the monarch, "did you do?" + +"Nothing, Sire," he replied with the unaffected simplicity of the man of +action; "I merely stamped on some little children--twins, I think." + +"Two medals for that," said the Emperor with ready wit, and there was +not a wet eye as he placed them in their proud position. + +The Vizier beckoned to a youthful officer on whose lip the down was +hardly yet visible. But though young in years he was already every inch +a soldier of his country. + +"This gallant gentleman," said the Vizier, "unaided, and at great +personal risk, shot a baby in arms." + +"In arms?" asked the monarch sharply. "Surely that mitigates the +heroism?" + +"I meant in its mother's arms," the Vizier hastily explained. + +"Ah!" said the Emperor with a sigh of relief, "that reassures me." And +amid profound excitement he embraced the soldier, pinned the coveted +badge to his breast and bade him quickly return to the front to carry on +the great work. + +"The next reward is for resource in emergency," said the master of +ceremonies an hour or so later. + +He beckoned to a superb officer, splendid in his trappings--a blue-eyed +colossus of nearly six-feet-six. + +"This highborn Captain," said the Vizier, "snatched some women from +their beds and pushed them before his men so that the enemy should not +shoot." + +The hall resounded with applause. + +"'Twas a brilliant thought," said the Emperor. "Not only will we +decorate him for intelligence, but for valour." + +"The last is for chivalry, Sire," said the master of the ceremonies, +indicating the remaining award. + +An officer stood forth. + +"This warrior," said the Vizier, "ordered his men to trample down some +public flower-beds in the enemy's capital." + +"Bravely done," said the Emperor. "A great and imaginative lesson. We'll +learn them to resist invasion!" + +Amid renewed demonstrations of loyalty and fervour the Emperor brought +the proceedings to a close. + +"Among so many deeds of valour," he said, "I find it impossible to say +which is the most splendid. All are glorious. I am in a position to +assure you that Heaven is proud of you. The Fatherland also is proud of +you, and, above all, I am proud of you. May the blessings of Heaven +continue to fall upon our great and merciful campaign for the right!" + +With these words the proceedings terminated and the heroes hurried back +to the fighting line, eager to win more laurels by similar feats of +culture. + + * * * * * + +SIDELIGHTS ON THE WAR. + +It is frequently remarked that the present war will be far-reaching in +its consequences. The truth of this is apparent from the following +notices, gathered at random from the column of "Personal Paragraphs" +which the Editor of _The Shrimpington-on-Sea Gazette_ publishes weekly, +without charge, thereby earning the reputation of a patriot:-- + +IN CONSEQUENCE OF the present crisis in the Money Market, Mrs. Pincham +desires to give notice that she hereby disclaims all liability for any +debts contracted by her at Bridge, and the same will not be paid. + +THIS IS TO SAY THAT, owing to the war and my pocket-money being stopped +because I broke the dining-room window, if Jackson Minor does not pay me +the balance of sixpence remaining for his half-share of the white rabbit +we both bought last term, his half of the rabbit will be sold and the +proceeds kept by the undersigned, SMITH TERTIUS. + +LADY STRAITER regrets to be obliged to announce that, in consequence of +the perilous financial situation in Europe, she will be forced to +discontinue her subscription of 2_s._ 6_d._ per annum to the Society for +the Relief of Distressed Dustmen. + +MR. ALURED DE MORTIMER TALBOT-HOWARD-ST. MAUR begs to inform his many +friends and the general public that the above is his real name, and that +he is proud to say he is by birth and descent an Englishman. The +spiteful rumours which allege that he originally kept a pawnbroker's +shop in Hamburg, where his name was Wilhelm Guggelheimer, are merely the +inventions of malicious persons who are envious of his property and +social position. + +As the Shrimpington-on-Sea Golf Course has been entirely ploughed-up +(with the exception of the greens) and planted with onions, turnips, +cabbages, and beetroot, to increase our national food-supply, all +members are requested to play in rubber-soled shoes only during the next +two months, so as not to damage the growing crops. + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"MY AUNT." + +Illustration: SHOULD THE TELEPHONE BE USED EXCEPT UNDER MEDICAL +ADVICE? + + _Mrs. Martingale_ Miss LOTTIE VENNE. + _Dr. Sweette_ Mr. ERNEST HENDRIE. + + *** + +Really, the only question to ask oneself of this adaptation from the +French is "Is it funny enough?" With so much being offered by the +newsboy outside the Vaudeville that is not at all funny, it would be +pleasant to find inside the doors a little relief from the world. + +I will give the authors the benefit of any doubt I may have felt now and +then, and say that _My Aunt_ serves its purpose. In places it made us +all laugh a good deal, and I don't think we were prepared to be easily +amused; although (for a reason which still escapes me) there was a +sudden burst of clapping when _Aubrey Braxton_ announced that he had +received an "ultimatum" from _Suzanne_. The latter part of the Second +Act is particularly well worked up, and one remark of _Aubrey's_ to +_Leslie Tarbolton_ brought down the house. ("You are the sort of man who +would go to call on a sick friend ... and eat his grapes.") The Third +Act is terribly padded with things which are not really funny, but it +gives us an opportunity of seeing a little more of Miss LOTTIE VENNE, to +whom the authors had not previously been generous. (I love Miss VENNE'S +voice and I love her manner of waving her arms in the air. It was +delightful to see and listen to her again.) + +For the best parts of the first two Acts, then; for Miss LOTTIE VENNE'S +voice; above all, for Mr. A. W. BASKCOMB'S face, _My Aunt_ is worth +while. As _Aubrey Braxton_ Mr. BASKCOMB--the never-to-be-forgotten +_Slightly_ of so many Christmasses--goes through all the many troubles +of a hero of farce with his own inimitable air of hopeless resignation. +I hope that his efforts will not be unrewarded, and that the management +will find that, without rivalling the success of that other aunt, +Charley's, they will yet for some time be able to play to good "business +as usual." + + M. + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S HOLIDAY STORIES. + +III.--THE FIGHT OF THE CENTURY. + +(Concluded.) + + [_SYNOPSIS OF PRECEDING INSTALMENT:--The great boxing boom is at its + height. A fight arranged between Smasher Mike and the famous + heavyweight champion. Mauler Mills, is arousing intense excitement + throughout the country. Nothing whatever is known of the Smasher, + and the betting is therefore 100 to 1 against him. Young Lord + Tamerton is at this time in desperate financial straits. His bosom + friend, Ralph Wonderson, who is in love with his sister, the + beautiful Lady Margaret Tamerton, prevails upon him to wager heavily + on Smasher Mike, and undertakes to put him in the way of obtaining a + loan of L5,000 for this purpose. Their conversation is overheard by + an agent of Sir Ernest Scrivener,_ alias _Marmaduke Moorsdyke, who + is the mortal enemy of Wonderson and is plotting to get Lady + Margaret Tamerton in his power._] + +The vast area of Corinthia was crammed with eager spectators, whose eyes +were concentrated with feverish intensity on the raised platform in the +centre of the hall. In the seats near the ring, for each of which a +hundred guineas had been charged, sat the cream of Britain's +aristocracy, including Lord Tamerton and Lady Margaret Tamerton, for +whom two tickets in a plain envelope had been left that morning. + +At last the preliminaries came to an end and Smasher Mike, clad in a +claret-coloured dressing-gown with yellow facings, crawled through the +ropes and went to his corner. As he raised his face to the lights a +murmur of amazement ran through the hall. + +"_It's Ralph Wonderson!_" Lady Margaret gripped her brother's arm till +the perspiration stood out on his forehead. + +"_It's Ralph Wonderson!_" The whisper passed from lip to lip, merging +presently into a burst of cheering as Mauler Mills scrambled up to the +platform, wearing an electric-blue dressing-gown with green facings and +pink sash. + +Ralph sat motionless in his corner, watching his gigantic adversary with +a pleasant smile and softly whistling the air of a popular song. At +length the referee leisurely entered the ring. As he did so, Ralph gave +a violent start and Lady Margaret gripped her brother's arm till his +teeth chattered. _The referee was not the popular Algernon Mittens, as +had been announced, but Sir Ernest Scrivener!_ + +Lord Tamerton stared up at the ring with ashen lips. With such an +official in charge nothing but a miracle could save Ralph Wonderson from +being disqualified in the first round. The House of Tamerton was more +utterly ruined than ever. + +But in thirty seconds Ralph, trained in many sports to meet all +emergencies, had summed up the situation and decided upon his course of +action. + +The gong sounded and the two pugilists advanced warily towards each +other. Suddenly Ralph lashed out a terrific right which, as he intended, +missed the Mauler by a foot. Unable, apparently, to retain his balance, +he swung completely round with the impetus of the blow, and his clenched +fist landed squarely upon the referee's jaw. Sir Ernest shot high over +the ropes and crashed down on the Dowager Duchess of Cumbersea, whence +he rebounded with terrible force into the arms of the Marquis of +Meltington. + +After a brief delay all three were removed to the hospital. + + * * * * * + +The fight, under a new referee, was in its twentieth round. Not a sound +could be heard beyond the shuffling of the pugilists' feet and the thud +of fist on flesh. + +Feinting with his left, the Mauler clinched heavily with his right, but +Ralph foiled the attack with a clever half-nelson. Again Mills swung his +right, and again Ralph parried the blow, this time by sending his left +to the funny-bone and thus paralysing the arm. He then dashed in and +uppercut his opponent severely on the occiput. Mauler Mills staggered to +the ropes, to which he clung frantically in order to preserve his +balance. + +A savage roar went up from the crowd, roused now to a pitch of frenzied +excitement. "Now you've got him! Finish him! Put him out!" they shouted. + +But Ralph, chivalrous as always, drew back, bowed formally to his +opponent and quietly awaited his recovery. + +Presently, after a courteous enquiry and an assurance from the Mauler +that he was quite ready, the pair exchanged a warm handshake and renewed +their combat. + +Taking a deep breath, Ralph advanced with cat-like tread and flashing +eyes upon his adversary. Knowing from painful experience what to expect, +the latter circled cautiously away, covering his face with his hands. +But Ralph, realising that time was short, determined not to be baffled. +Combining the agility of the chamois with the ponderous strength of the +hippopotamus, he crouched low and sprang like a tiger through the air +upon the unhappy Mauler, striking him full on the solar plexus. White to +the lips, the Mauler fell squirming to the floor, while Ralph +nonchalantly adjusted a lock of hair which had floated loose. + +"_One--two--three ..._" the voice of the referee was like the voice of +inexorable Fate ... "_four--five--six ..._" Lady Margaret gripped her +brother's arm till his hair stood on end ... "_seven--eight ..._" The +Countess of Snecks fainted with a loud shriek ... "_nine--Out_"! + +The great fight was won. The House of Tamerton was saved. + +Clad in his claret-coloured dressing-gown, the new champion pressed his +_fiancee_ against the yellow facings and stroked her fair hair fondly +with his boxing-gloves. + +"My little wife!" he whispered. + +And the vast area of Corinthia rang with emotional cheers. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _Sentry (suddenly appearing)._ "HALT! WHO GOES THERE?" + +_Brown._ "ER--SEASON!" + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +Far too rarely does the conscientious reviewer enjoy such a chance as +has come to me now, a chance to let himself go in the matter of praise +without stint or reservation. As a reward doubtless for some of my many +unrecorded good deeds, there has come into my hands a slender volume +called _Naval Occasions_ (BLACKWOOD), which seems to me to be the most +entirely satisfactory and, indeed, fascinating thing of its kind that +ever I read. The writer chooses for his own sufficient reasons to +disguise himself as "BARTIMEUS," and under that name I have to ask him +to accept my very sincere gratitude. The little book contains +twenty-five sketches, mostly quite short, relating to (I quote its text, +taken from the Articles of War) "the Navy, whereon, under the good +Providence of God, the wealth, safety, and strength of the Kingdom +chiefly depend." Never surely did a book appear so aptly. At a moment +like this, when the dullest collection of naval facts can stir the +pulse, such pages as these, full of the actual life and work of the men +who are safeguarding us all, deserve a public as vast as the Empire +itself. The appeal of them is amazing, for their art is of so concealed +a quality that the writing seems simplicity itself. To say that they +bring the atmosphere of salt winds and the tang of the sea, is nothing; +a skilful novel about Margate sands would deserve this praise; it is in +their humanity that the charm lies, the sense of courage and comradeship +and high endeavour that is in every one of them. You will laugh often as +you read; and sometimes, quite suddenly, you will find yourself with a +prickly feeling at the back of the eyes, because of the tears that are +in these things; but they are the proud kind, never the sloppily +sentimental. And at the end I am mistaken in you if you do not close the +book with the rare and moving sensation that you have found something of +which you can say, as I myself did, "This is absolutely It!" + + * * * * * + +Amongst the thousands of helpful suggestions for the conduct of war +which have recently filled the columns of the daily press, I do not +remember having seen any scheme for supplying the officers of the Allied +Armies with an Irish terrier apiece. And yet if MARIE VON VORST is to be +trusted, this is a very serious omission, for, had it not been for +_Pitchoune_, I fear that the gallant hero of _His Love Story_ (MILLS AND +BOON) would have perished in the Sahara and never have won the lady of +his heart. The _Comte de Sabron_ was forbidden by his military orders to +take a dog with him to Algiers, but _Pitchoune_ ran all the way from +Tarascon to Marseilles and jumped into the boat. Subsequently, when his +master was lying wounded in the desert, he tracked down the nearest +native village--twelve hours away--and barked till they sent out a +relief expedition. A boy scout could not do more, and, though my own +experience of Irish terriers has led me to think that they do not spend +over much time in the study of ordnance maps, yet for sentiment's sake, +and because _His Love Story_ is a charmingly written romance, I am ready +to believe in all the feats of _Pitchoune_, and even to hope that he +will not after all be _de trop_ now that _M. le Comte_ is happily +wedded, but may have another brilliantly successful campaign in front of +him. + + * * * * * + +Although Mrs. PENROSE'S new novel, _Something Impossible_ (MILLS AND +BOON), gaily admits in its title its difficulties, I cannot pretend that +I consider her to have made the most of her opportunity. There are at +least two classic examples of her theme, Mr. ANSTEY'S _Vice Versa_ and +Mr. DE LA MARE'S _Return_. Mrs. PENROSE cannot approach either the +charming humour of the one or the delicate beauty of the other. On a +lower plane her story has its amusing moments, and there is a vein of +real tenderness in her picture of the relations of her hero and his +faithful lady--a happy relief after the monotonous repetition of +matrimonial infidelities dealt out to us by the average novel. It will +be a consolation also to many readers to discover that plain people are +far more popular than handsome ones and that to "have features of +classical beauty" is the most unfortunate of handicaps in the race for +comfort and success. Mrs. PENROSE, like many other women novelists, is +very cruel to her own sex and never misses an opportunity of exposing +its shallow sentiments and transient affections. But why are all +novelists of to-day so merciless to the provincial town? There must be +some pleasant people in Cathedral cities. I am weary of retired colonels +with port-stained faces, and vinegary old maids, and unctuous canons. +Mrs. PENROSE has shown in her earlier books so real a sense of beauty +and so touching a spirit of kindliness that I am bound to confess that, +with the exception of her treatment of her hero, this rather acid and +ironical piece of nonsense is a disappointment. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _The Small Man._ "IF I WAS AS WELL SET UP AS YOU I'D GO +AND FIGHT FOR MY COUNTRY, _I_ WOULD!" + +_The Large Man._ "NO GOOD, MATE, I'VE TRIED IT. TOLD ME AT THE WAR +OFFICE I WOULD SPOIL THE UNIFORM APPEARANCE OF ANY REGIMENT, SO I'M +WAITIN' TILL THEY RAISE A CORPS OF CINEMA GUARDS." + + * * * * * + +From the Emperor of AUSTRIA'S telegram to WILHELM II.: + + "Words fail to express what moves me, and with me my army, in these + days of the world's history." + +The word "Servia" might express what moves his army. + + * * * * * + +_The Scotsman_ on the condition of things in Norway:-- + + "Food supplies and rents are controlled by the Government, and + spirits and wines cannot be purchased. Most of the English people + have now left Norway." + +For other reasons, we hope. + + * * * * * + + "PLEASURE TOURS.--St. Petersburg from London _via_ Kiel Canal." + + _Advt. in "Times."_ + +Take your camera with you, and snap the jolly little German battleships +as you go past. The result of the recent fight off Heligoland should +increase your popularity. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +147, September 2nd, 1914, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 27055.txt or 27055.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/7/0/5/27055/ + +Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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