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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 147,
+September 2nd, 1914, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 147, September 2nd, 1914
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: October 26, 2008 [EBook #27055]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+  PUNCH,
+
+  OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+  VOLUME 147.
+
+  SEPTEMBER 2, 1914.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+Reports still continue to come in as to the outbursts of rage which took
+place in Germany when the news of our participation in the War reached
+that country. Seeing that we had merely been asked to allow our friends
+to be robbed and murdered, our interference is looked upon as peculiarly
+gratuitous.
+
+       ***
+
+We hear, by the way, that the Germans, who hold Kiao-chau on a long
+lease, appealed unsuccessfully to Leaseholders Protection Societies all
+over the world to intervene in defence of their interests.
+
+       ***
+
+We understand that a new version of the KAISER'S famous "Yellow Peril"
+cartoon (it bore the inscription, "Nations of Europe, protect your
+property!") is in preparation at Tokio, in which a jaundiced KAISER is
+delineated as the Yellow Peril.
+
+       ***
+
+Those persons who complain that the Allies are too frequently on the
+defensive forget that it is very difficult to be as offensive as the
+Germans.
+
+       ***
+
+The report that among the troops which entered Brussels was a bear
+dressed up in infamous taste to represent the King of the BELGIANS is
+denied in Germany. It is quite possible that he was merely one of the
+Prussian officers.
+
+       ***
+
+The _Giornale d'Italia_ reports that, at a meeting of cardinals held at
+Rome, it was decided to issue an appeal to the belligerents to agree to
+a truce pending the election of a new Pope. It is thought, however, that
+the KAISER will refuse even such a reasonable request as this.
+
+       ***
+
+It is rumoured that WILHELM II. has despatched all his British uniforms
+to KING GEORGE. This, anyhow, should be remembered to his credit. He did
+not wish to disgrace them.
+
+       ***
+
+The temptation to call the KAISER names is, of course, almost
+irresistible, but we are rather surprised to come across the following
+head-lines in our serious contemporary, _The Observer_:--
+
+"Brussels--and After. The German Sweep."
+
+       ***
+
+There would seem to be no end to the social horrors of the War. The
+Teuton journal _Manufakturist_ is now prophesying that one of its
+results will be the substitution of German for French fashions.
+
+       ***
+
+The title of "The King of Prussia," one of the oldest licensed houses at
+Barnet, is to be altered. Every effort, we understand, is being made in
+Germany to keep the news from the KAISER.
+
+       ***
+
+People must not come down too heavily on KEIR HARDIE. We honestly
+believe that he honestly believes that his little views are right.
+That's what makes his case so sad.
+
+       ***
+
+The Dominican Revolution, it is announced, has ended. It is supposed to
+have been unable to stand the competition of the bigger war.
+
+       ***
+
+There appears to be considerable difference of opinion as to whether
+those persons who are in want of a holiday should take it as usual or
+not. The "Take your Change" movement may be quite right for women and
+children; but the "Leave your Change" movement is better still.
+
+       ***
+
+According to _The Evening News_ three elephants have been requisitioned
+from the Zoo at the White City by the military authorities. In Berlin,
+no doubt, this will be taken to signify that our heavy cavalry mounts
+are giving out.
+
+       ***
+
+The Committee of the Masters of the Foxhounds Association have decided
+that, while regular hunting will be impossible, they consider it would
+be most prejudicial to the country in general if it were allowed to
+lapse altogether. In this, we understand, the Committee and the foxes do
+not see eye to eye, the latter taking the view that hunting men ought
+now to devote their entire attention to more important matters.
+
+       ***
+
+"GERMANS DRIVEN BACK FROM ANTWERP" read an indignant old lady. "Driven,
+indeed!" she exclaimed; "I'd have made them walk!"
+
+       ***
+
+The statement issued to the Press by Messrs. SUTTON AND SONS to the
+effect that large supplies of bulbs from Holland are now being delivered
+at Reading in as good a condition as ever has, we hear, had a distinctly
+steadying effect on the country at large.
+
+       ***
+
+From Hoylake comes the news that certain persons who live in a street
+there called Prussia Road have petitioned the Urban District Council for
+a change of name--and it is rumoured that the Council, with a view to
+saving the ratepayers' pockets, have hit upon the ingenious idea of
+obliterating the first letter only of the present name--thereby also
+paying a well-deserved compliment to a distinguished ally.
+
+       ***
+
+A clerk who left a month ago for a week in lovely Lucerne and has only
+just been able to get back found his employer (a merchant with a strain
+of German blood in his veins) quite angry. "I have half a mind to
+dismiss you for exceeding your leave," he said. "However, you are useful
+to me. Only please understand that you have now had your holiday for the
+next three years as well."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: "Special constables who can speak German are
+particularly required."--_Daily paper._
+
+_Special Constable_ (_having cornered his man_). "SPRECHEN SIE DEUTSCH?"
+_Suspect._ "NEIN! NEIN!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A sow has given birth to a freak of nature. The animal's face is
+    almost human in appearance, it has neither eyes nor nostrils, but a
+    nose like a fish."
+
+    _Sheffield Daily Telegraph._
+
+This is like none of our friends.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE AVENGERS.
+
+(_To our Soldiers in the field._)
+
+    Not only that your cause is just and right--
+      This much was never doubted; war or play,
+    We go with clean hands into any fight;
+      That is our English way;--
+
+    Not this high thought alone shall brace your thews
+      To trample under heel those Vandal hordes
+    Who laugh when blood of mother and babe imbrues
+      Their damn�d craven swords.
+
+    But here must be hot passion, white of flame,
+      Pure hate of this unutterable wrong,
+    Sheer wrath for Christendom so sunk in shame,
+      To make you trebly strong.
+
+    These smoking hearths of fair and peaceful lands,
+      This reeking trail of deeds abhorred of Hell,
+    They cry aloud for vengeance at your hands,
+      Ruthless and swift and fell.
+
+    Strike, then--and spare not--for the innocent dead
+      Who lie there, stark beneath the weeping skies,
+    As though you saw your dearest in their stead
+      Butchered before your eyes.
+
+    And though the guiltless pay for others guilt
+      Who preached these brute ideals in camp and Court;
+    Though lives of brave and gentle foes be spilt,
+      That loathe this coward sport;
+
+    On each, without distinction, worst or best,
+      Fouled by a nation's crime, one doom must fall;
+    Be you its instrument, and leave the rest
+      To GOD, the Judge of all
+
+    Let it be said of you, when sounds at length
+      Over the final field the victor's strain:--
+    "They struck at infamy with all their strength,
+      And earth is clean again!"
+
+    O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW GERMANY CAME OFF.
+
+(_Extracts from a diary kept at intervals by a very special
+correspondent in the Dardanelles._)
+
+_GOEBEN_ arrives Dardanelles. Announcement of sale to Turkey and of
+disembarcation of German crew.
+
+_Goeben_ still in Dardanelles. Having been disposed of to Turkey, the
+ship again disembarced her crew.
+
+_Goeben_ continuing in Dardanelles, the disembarcation of German crew,
+which was completed three days ago and again yesterday, began again
+to-day and was carried out successfully.
+
+The _Goeben_ still being at anchor in the Dardanelles, it was decided to
+carry out a disembarcation of her German crew on a scale surpassing all
+previous efforts.
+
+The _Goeben_ continues in the Dardanelles. Owing to the remarkable
+expertness which her crew has acquired, it was possible to carry out
+three disembarcations this afternoon. The officer commanding, indeed,
+proposes shortly to issue a challenge to ships of all nationalities for
+the Open Disembarcation Championship of the World.
+
+The _Goeben_ remains in the Dardanelles. In response to a pressing
+request from great masses of the Turkish population, who have been
+unable before to witness the ceremony, it has been decided again to
+disembark the German crew, and, beginning to-morrow at 10 A.M., the
+impressive spectacle will be gone through at regular intervals of an
+hour throughout the day. All the railway companies have announced cheap
+excursions, and there can be no doubt that these disembarcations will
+easily surpass all earlier ones.
+
+The German crew of the _Goeben_ are agitating for an eight-hour day.
+
+Instructions having reached the crew of the _Goeben_ to return to
+Germany, a magnificent Farewell Disembarcation took place last night. At
+its conclusion sympathisers presented an illuminated address bearing the
+following inscription "To the crew of the _Goeben_ on the occasion of
+their final disembarcation before leaving for the Fatherland."
+
+_Later._--Arrival of the crew of the _Goeben_ at Kiel. Great popular
+enthusiasm. KAISER orders a Special Disembarcation to take place before
+entire Fleet, a duplicate cruiser (in the regretable absence of the
+_Goeben_) being lent for the purpose.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TRUCE.
+
+PEACE reigns in the club-house on the links. The young men have nearly
+all gone, and Morris, our veteran "plus two" member, who generally only
+condescends to go round with the pro. and one or two choice players, is
+eager for a match with anyone. Only you must play for five shillings for
+his wife's branch of the Red Cross Society.
+
+In the smoke-room over our pipes--cigars are considered wasteful and bad
+form--the old conversational warriors look at one another. I glance
+across at Sellars, a member of that loathsome, I should say highly
+admirable, institution, the National Liberal Club. It is not six weeks
+since I denounced him as a pestilent traitor because he demanded, for
+some reason, that escapes me, the blockade of a city called Belfast.
+And, if I remember, he alluded to me as a traitorous tamperer with the
+Army. But now I praise the admirable patriotism of JOHN REDMOND; I
+eulogise the financial genius of LLOYD GEORGE; I grow fervid as I
+rhapsodise about WINSTON.
+
+Then Sellars interposes, "My dear fellow, why do you forget the splendid
+abnegation of Sir EDWARD CARSON? As for LLOYD GEORGE he may have done
+well, but hasn't he AUSTEN at his elbow all the time? Talk about WINSTON
+if you like, but, after all, he has only muzzled the German fleet. F. E.
+SMITH has done a far more wonderful thing. He has muzzled the British
+Press."
+
+Peace! It is wonderful. Only at the back of my mind there is one sad
+thought which I strive to put away from me. Suppose a General Election
+comes whilst the war is still on. I, as a patriot, shall have to vote
+for the splendid Government. It will be Sellars' duty and joy to support
+our splendid Opposition. And, if we all act in the same way, we shall
+have those wretched--what funny slips one's pen makes!--those adorable
+Radicals back in power for another five years.
+
+But when the war is over and we see a free Europe I promise myself one
+reward. The night when peace is proclaimed I shall seek out Sellars and
+tell him just what I think about LLOYD GEORGE; and I haven't the
+slightest doubt that he will celebrate the occasion by some venomous
+abuse of BONAR LAW.
+
+You see at present we are handicapped; we are just Englishmen.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Another Impending Apology.
+
+    "The first editor of GOLFING was Mr. Thomas Marlowe, who is now
+    editor of the _Daily Mail_. On the other hand, there have been
+    several editors of GOLFING who have since risen to positions of
+    distinction."--_Golfing._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: TO ARMS! RECRUITING-SERGEANT PUNCH. "NOW, MY LADS, YOUR
+COUNTRY WANTS YOU. WHO'S FOR THE FRONT?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: UNDER MARTIAL LAW.
+
+"NOW MIND, MARY, IF A SENTRY ASKS YOU WHO YOU ARE, YOU MUST IMMEDIATELY
+ANSWER, 'FRIEND.'"
+
+"YES, 'M, BUT WHAT AM I TO SAY IF HE ASKS ME HOW BABY IS?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ATTACK ON GERMAN TRADE.
+
+Those mistaken persons who maintain that "music has no frontiers" have
+been sharply rebuked by the patriotic action of the management of
+certain concerts, who boldly opened the season by expelling all German
+music from their programmes. It is all very well to say that this is
+confounding the Germany that we honour and admire with the Germany of
+the other sort, of which we have had more than enough. The step has been
+taken on the highest patriotic grounds, and although the ban has been
+partially removed since the season began, it is clearly indicated that
+this conciliatory attitude will only last so long as the main German
+fleet continues to skulk behind the defences of Kiel. If there is any
+aggressive movement, then let it be understood that TSCHAIKOWSKI'S
+_Path�tique_ Symphony will be worn threadbare by nightly repetition
+sooner than that we should have any truck with BRAHMS, WAGNER or BACH.
+
+Already the occupation of Brussels has caused the scratching (at the
+very last moment) of the SCHUMANN concerto.
+
+Of course there is more in it than meets the eye. If all German music is
+eliminated there are bound to be prodigious gaps which must be filled up
+somehow. Very well. The result can only be a new state of activity in
+the home composing industry. This is no time for giving away secrets,
+but perhaps we may be allowed to say that the continued attendance last
+week of Sir HENRY WOOD at the offices of the Board of Trade can only
+mean that he too is taking his part in a comprehensive and
+well-considered plan for making war on German industries. Now is the
+time for the native producer to get to work. Germany must once and for
+all be ousted from this market. There need be no difficulty in obtaining
+samples, and we look to British industry and enterprise to do the rest.
+
+We are not sure that neutrals should be allowed into this thing. An
+exception might be made in the case of Italy, but, apart from her, we
+should limit the exotic features in our programmes to the works of our
+allies in the field. It might give a needed fillip to the national music
+of Japan.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+How it strikes our Contemporaries.
+
+    "Yesterday's eclipse of the sun was itself eclipsed by the world
+    shadow. Shortly after noon a large inky blot obscured nearly
+    three-quarters of the sun's surface and a violet haze hung over
+    London, but very few people were heeding the phenomenon in the sky.
+    The hawkers, even, were too busy selling patriotic favours to offer
+    smoked glasses."--_Daily Mail._
+
+    "Londoners did not permit the war to eclipse the eclipse. The
+    hawkers' cry, 'Smoked glass a penny,' was heard everywhere, and
+    there was a ready sale for the pieces of glass which enabled one to
+    view the darkening of the sun." _Daily Mirror._
+
+The allies should come to a better agreement than this.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Spies Output Down Again," says a contemporary, and we were just going
+to congratulate the authorities when we discovered that it referred to a
+Petroleum Company.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FATAL GIFT.
+
+People say to me sometimes, "Oh, _you_ know Woolman, don't you?" I
+acknowledge that I do, and, after the silence that always ensues, I add,
+"If you want to say anything against him, please go on." You can almost
+hear the sigh of relief that goes up. "I thought he was a friend of
+yours," they say cheerfully. "But, of course, if----" and then they
+begin.
+
+I think it is time I explained my supposed friendship for Ernest
+Merrowby Woolman--confound him.
+
+The affair began in a taxicab two years ago. Andrew had been dining with
+me that night; we walked out to the cab-rank together; I told the driver
+where to go, and Andrew stepped in, waved good-bye to me from the
+window, and sat down suddenly upon something hard. He drew it from
+beneath him, and found it was an extremely massive (and quite new)
+silver cigar-case. He put it in his pocket with the intention of giving
+it to the driver when he got out, but quite naturally forgot. Next
+morning he found it on his dressing-table. So he put it in his pocket
+again, meaning to leave it at Scotland Yard on his way to the City.
+
+Next morning it was on his dressing-table again.
+
+This went on for some days. After a week or so Andrew saw that it was
+hopeless to try to get a cigar-case back to Scotland Yard in this casual
+sort of way; it must be taken there deliberately by somebody who had a
+morning to spare and was willing to devote it to this special purpose.
+He placed the case, therefore, prominently on a small table in the
+dining-room to await the occasion; calling also the attention of his
+family to it, as an excuse for an outing when they were not otherwise
+engaged.
+
+At times he used to say, "I must really take that cigar-case to Scotland
+Yard to-morrow."
+
+At other times he would say, "Somebody must really take that cigar-case
+to Scotland Yard to-day."
+
+And so the weeks rolled on ...
+
+It was about a year later that I first got mixed up with the thing. I
+must have dined with the Andrews several times without noticing the
+cigar-case, but on this occasion it caught my eye as we wandered out to
+join the ladies, and I picked it up carelessly. Well, not exactly
+carelessly; it was too heavy for that.
+
+"Why didn't you tell me," I said, "that you had stood for Parliament and
+that your supporters had consoled you with a large piece of plate?
+Hallo, they've put the wrong initials on it. How unbusiness-like."
+
+"Oh, _that_?" said Andrew. "Is it still there?"
+
+"Why not? It's quite a solid little table. But you haven't explained why
+your constituents, who must have seen your name on hundreds of posters,
+thought your initials were E. M. W."
+
+Andrew explained.
+
+"Then it isn't yours at all?" I said in amazement.
+
+"Of course not."
+
+"But, my dear man, this is theft. Stealing by finding, they call it. You
+could get"--I looked at him almost with admiration--"you could get two
+years for this;" and I weighed the cigar-case in my hand. "I believe
+you're the only one of my friends who could be certain of two years," I
+went on musingly. "Let's see, there's----"
+
+"Nonsense," said Andrew uneasily. "But still, perhaps I'd better take it
+back to Scotland Yard to-morrow."
+
+"And tell them you've kept it for a year? They'd run you in at once. No,
+what you want to do is to get rid of it without their knowledge. But
+how--that's the question. You can't give it away because of the
+initials."
+
+"It's easy enough. I can leave it in another cab, or drop it in the
+river."
+
+"Andrew, Andrew," I cried, "you're determined to go to prison! Don't you
+know from all the humorous articles you've ever read that, if you _try_
+to lose anything, then you never can? It's one of the stock remarks one
+makes to women in the endeavour to keep them amused. No, you must think
+of some more subtle way of disposing of it."
+
+"I'll pretend it's yours," said Andrew more subtly, and he placed it in
+my pocket.
+
+"No, you don't," I said. "But I tell you what I will do. I'll take it
+for a week and see if I can get rid of it. If I can't, I shall give it
+you back and wash my hands of the whole business--except, of course, for
+the monthly letter or whatever it is they allow you at the Scrubbs. You
+may still count on me for that."
+
+And then the extraordinary thing happened. The next morning I received a
+letter from a stranger, asking for some simple information which I could
+have given him on a post-card. And so I should have done--or possibly, I
+am afraid, have forgotten to answer at all--but for the way that the
+letter ended up.
+
+    "_Yours very truly_,
+      _ERNEST M. WOOLMAN._"
+
+The magic initials! It was a chance not to be missed. I wrote
+enthusiastically back and asked him to lunch.
+
+He came. I gave him all the information he wanted, and lots more.
+Whether he was a pleasant sort of person or not I hardly noticed; I was
+so very pleasant myself.
+
+He returned my enthusiasm. He asked me to dine with him the following
+week. A little party at the Savoy--his birthday, you know.
+
+I accepted gladly. I rolled up at the party with my little present ... a
+massive silver cigar-case ... suitably engraved.
+
+       ***
+
+So there you are. He clings to me. He seems to have formed the absurd
+idea that I am fond of him. A few months after that evening at the Savoy
+he was married. I was invited to the wedding--confound him. Of course I
+had to live up to my birthday present; the least I could do was an
+enormous silver cigar-box (not engraved), which bound me to him still
+more strongly.
+
+By that time I realised that I hated him. He was pushing, familiar,
+everything that I disliked. All my friends wondered how I had become so
+intimate with him ...
+
+Well, now they know. And the original E. M. W., if he has the sense to
+read this article, knows. If he cares to prosecute Ernest Merrowby
+Woolman for being in possession of stolen goods I shall be glad to give
+him any information. Woolman is generally to be found leaving my rooms
+at about 6.30 in the evening, and a smart detective could easily nab him
+as he steps out.
+
+    A. A. M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FORTUNE'S FAVOURITE.
+
+    Dear maiden of the sunny head
+      And cheeks of coral hue,
+    The lips of rarest ruby red,
+      The eyes of Oxford blue,
+    And other charms I've left unsaid ...
+      Ah, how I envy you!
+
+    Heedless of half a world at war
+      You neither strive nor cry;
+    Though danger knocks at England's door
+      There's laughter in your sky:
+    You ask not what she's fighting for,
+      Nor reck the reason why.
+
+    You little guess, you never will,
+      The force that nerves this fist
+    To toil away for you until
+      My mind is like a mist;
+    The lack of money for the mill,
+      The growing dearth of grist.
+
+    Ah, since amid a world grown wild,
+      And horrors still half told,
+    Peace has her palace round you piled,
+      By all the gods I hold
+    You are a very lucky child,
+      My little Nine-months-old.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Officer Commanding Squad (about to cross Waterloo
+Bridge.)_ "'ALT! BREAK STEP! LARGE COLUMNS OF TROOPS WHEN CROSSIN'
+BRIDGES IS COMMANDED TO 'BREAK STEP' SO THAT THE UNISON OF THEIR TREAD
+MAY NOT DANGEROUSLY THREATEN THE STERBILITY OF THE BRIDGE."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CANDIDATE FOR THE FORCE.
+
+"I want to enrol myself as a Special Constable," I said to the man in
+mufti behind the desk.
+
+"Well, don't let me stop you," he remarked. "The Police Station is next
+door. This is a steam laundry."
+
+A minute later I began again:--
+
+"I want to enrol myself as a Steam Laund--that is to say, as a Special
+Constable."
+
+"Certainly, Sir," said the Inspector in charge. "Your name and address?"
+
+I opened my cigarette-case and placed a card on the desk.
+
+"The name of the house is pronounced _Song Soocee_," I said, "not, as
+spelt, Sans Souci."
+
+The Inspector handed me back the card. It was a cigarette-picture
+representing the proper method of bandaging a displaced knee-cap. I
+rectified the error, and he entered the information in a book.
+
+"I must ask if you are a British subject?" he inquired.
+
+"You might almost describe me as super-British," I replied. "There is a
+tradition in my family that my ancestors were on Hastings Pier when the
+Conqueror arrived."
+
+"Thank you. That will be all."
+
+"You don't want me to give references, one of which must be a clergyman
+or a J.P.? You don't require me to state previous experience, if any, or
+any details of that sort?"
+
+"Oh, no," he answered. "That'll be all right. You are no doubt familiar
+with squad drill?"
+
+"Splendid! I had no idea it was used in the Force."
+
+"Eight turn--left turn--about turn--form fours--and so on?"
+
+"I beg your pardon," I said, "but what did you call that?"
+
+"Squad drill, Sir."
+
+"O-o-h! I thought you said 'quadrille'. But I know the turns. Right turn,
+I turn to the right; left turn, I turn to the left; about turn, I turn
+just about, but not quite; form fours, I form--excuse me, but how does
+_one_ man form fours?"
+
+"There will, of course, be others," replied the Inspector. "You'll soon
+pick it up. And please state at what hours of the day you would be
+prepared to take duty."
+
+"Well," I said, "I've practically nothing to do from the time I get
+up--half-past ten--until mid-day. I could also manage to spare
+half-an-hour between afternoon-tea and dinner. And I could just drop in
+here about eleven at night to see if things were going along all right.
+Now, if you'll kindly fetch me a bull's-eye lantern, a life-preserver, a
+bullet-proof tunic, some indiarubber boots, a revolver, and a letter of
+introduction to some of the most skilful cooks in the neighbourhood I
+can put in one crowded hour of joyous life before I'm due on the links."
+
+"Just a moment," said the Inspector. "I don't want to discourage you,
+but kindly cast your eye over these paragraphs;" and he handed me a
+printed circular. "You will see that it will be necessary for you to
+perform four consecutive hours' duty."
+
+"Good heavens," I exclaimed, "I don't think I shall be able to manage
+that. I'm in the middle of an important jig-saw; I'm expecting a new
+motor-car to arrive any minute; and I have a slight head-cold. However,
+if my country calls me, I will see what can be arranged."
+
+I noticed the Inspector's look of admiration at my bull-dog resolution,
+so to hide my blushes I perused the circular.
+
+"I see," I said, "that we are each supplied with 'one armlet.' What's an
+armlet?".
+
+"A badge that goes round your arm."
+
+"Of course! How stupid of me! Just like a bracelet goes round one's--no,
+that won't do. Just like a gimlet goes--no, that doesn't either. I can't
+think of a simile, but I quite understand. Then we have 'one whistle.'
+What's that for? To whistle on if I feel lonely?"
+
+"To summon assistance if you should require it."
+
+"I have an idea that my whistle will be overworked. Shall I be able to
+get a new one when the original's worn out?"
+
+The Inspector thought there would be no difficulty in my getting
+rewhistled.
+
+"'One truncheon,'" I continued. "That, of course, is to trunch with. One
+truncheon, though, seems rather niggardly. I should prefer two, one in
+each hand. 'One note-book'--is that for autographs and original
+contributions from my brother Specials?"
+
+"For noting names and addresses and details of cases," explained the
+Inspector. "For instance, if, when on duty, you saw Jack Johnson
+committing a breach of the peace you would--"
+
+"Blow my whistle hard--"
+
+"Certainly not. You would take his name and address and note it down."
+
+"And if he refused it I could then whistle for help?"
+
+"No, you would at once arrest him."
+
+"What's the earliest possible moment at which it would be etiquette to
+blow my whistle?"
+
+"When he offered resistance. Then you could whistle."
+
+"No, I couldn't," I said, "not unless my equipment included one pair of
+bellows. Do you mean to tell me that I should be expected to arrest a
+man of infinitely superior physique to my own with no other weapons than
+one armlet, one whistle, one truncheon and one note-book? Surely I should
+be allowed to run for the Mayor and get him to read the Riot Act? If
+not, I can only say a policeman's lot is----"
+
+"Not a happy one?" put in the Inspector.
+
+"I was going to say a policeman's lot is a lot too much. Would you
+kindly cross my name off your list?"
+
+"I crossed it off some minutes ago," replied the Inspector.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WATCH DOGS.
+
+II.
+
+DEAR CHARLES,--Another letter from the back of the front for you. You
+will be glad to hear that your Terrier is settling down in his temporary
+kennel and sharpening his teeth in due course. The time will come when
+you may look your gift dog in the mouth and be not disappointed, we
+hope, by the view.
+
+We received orders a day or two ago to take up our beds and walk; that
+is, a couple of officers and a hundred odd of the men were told off to
+execute a flank movement on a neighbouring township where there is a
+range, and do our damnedest with the poor old targets. So we put our
+oddments in our pillow-case, rolled up our bedrooms into a convenient
+bundle and trekked. We were assured that we should be back at our base
+within the week, but we have learnt to take no chances. We have but one
+form of movement, the _tout ensemble_.
+
+It is quite refreshing to step, over a hundred strong, into a village
+with no pre-arranged scheme of board and lodging. Like every other
+wanderer in a strange part, we turn first to the policeman. We march
+towards him at attention; we call a halt at the base of his feet, and
+then, with the courtesy of the gentleman and the brevity of the soldier,
+we inform him that we have arrived. The next development is up to him.
+
+It is not to him, however, that we owe our temporary rest. It is to that
+irrepressible and indefatigable unit, the Boy Scout. Charles, I believe
+we'd all be lying out in the rain at this moment but for that
+assistance. The equipment of the Boy Scout on billeting duty consists of
+a piece of white chalk and a menacing demeanour. Thus armed, he knocks
+at every likely door, wishes the householder a good morning and
+registers on the door-frame the number of men that may be left till
+called for within, even while the policeman is still endeavouring to
+explain the international situation and the military exigencies to the
+slow-thinking rustic. Many formidable obstacles lie in our path, we
+know, but we are comforted by the thought that the Boy Scout isn't one
+of them. If, in the next generation, Britain continues to exist as a
+nation and not as a dep�t for the training of waiters in the Berlin
+restaurants, then indeed we shall have something to rely on in these
+adaptable young fellows.
+
+The host upon whom we officers were thrust was quite polite as long as
+our Boy Scout stood by, but, left to himself, turned out crusty. He was
+rather too old to turn into the perfect hotel proprietor all in a
+minute, and, as he put it, "he couldn't see his way" to do this and that
+for us. He was prepared to do all he had to do, but no more.
+Unfortunately we were not as well up in the regulations as our youthful
+and now departed protector. So we went out and did a bit of billeting on
+our own. It is an odd experience, this knocking at somebody's door and,
+upon being asked what one has come for, answering, "To stay." For
+ourselves we thought that the Rector would be a good man to experiment
+on. These parsons are used to being victimised and are known not to be
+too harsh upon the delinquent. So off we went to the Rectory,
+significantly handling our hilts and twirling our military stubbles. But
+the essence of war is surprise, and it was the Rector's wife who
+confronted our attack.
+
+I said, upon enquiry, that I couldn't say what we wanted but placed
+myself unreservedly in my colleague's hands. I then took a pace to the
+rear and prepared to retire in good order. Robertson's whole efforts
+were concentrated on refraining from taking off his cap, as behoves a
+gentleman, but not an officer, and the Rector's wife remained amiable
+but on the defensive. Charles, our position was a hopeless one and our
+careers had concluded then and there but for the arrival of the ally.
+Boy Scouts are as tactful as they are forgiving; he accepted our
+explanation and apology to himself and he explained for us and
+apologised to the Rector's wife. It was little he had to say, for never
+was a less reluctant and more efficient billettee. This kind lady has
+not only made our sojourn one long series of simple luxuries, she has
+been through the whole of our kit and washed and repaired the lot. Think
+what you may about the Church when you are a civilian in affluence, but
+when you are a soldier in distress turn to it first for succour.
+
+Lastly, a minor incident of a regretable nature. Halting on the march
+yesterday for our transport to catch up (our transport is known as
+Lieutenant Pearson's Circus) I discovered one of our dusty thirsty
+warriors having made his illegal entrance into a public-house by an
+emergency door. There he stood with a glisten in his eyes and his hand
+just about to grasp the pewter pot! Out he went under sentence of death
+by slow torture, and there was I left, with a thirst such as I have
+never before believed to be possible, alone with a pewter pot, with the
+foam just brimming over the top ... alone, unseen, undiscoverable ...
+
+    Your fallen Friend,
+    HENRY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: THE LANGUAGE OF THE HOUR.
+
+_Irate Lady (firing Parthian shot after marital misunderstanding)._
+"Yer--yer bloomin' Oolan!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LITERARY GOSSIP.
+
+The Autumn publishing season will undoubtedly be affected by the war,
+several firms having decided to withhold most of their forthcoming
+books. Messrs. Odder and Thynne, however, being convinced that the
+reading public cannot subsist entirely on newspapers, have with great
+public spirit resolved to publish their full programme, which is
+unusually full of works of interest.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The foremost place in their list is allotted to Principal Toshley
+Potts's volume of essays, which bear the attractive title of _The Hill
+of Havering_. Principal Potts was recently hailed by Sir NICHOLSON
+ROBERTS as "the Scots A. C. Benson," and this felicitous analogy will,
+we feel sure, be triumphantly vindicated by the contents of this
+epoch-making work, which by the way is dedicated to Dr. Emery Cawker, of
+the University of Brashville, Ga.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Another work of outstanding significance is a volume of poems, entitled
+_Kailyard Carols_, from the accomplished pen of Mr. Alan Bodgers, whom
+Mr. DAVID LYALL, in a three-column article in the _Penman_, recently
+declared to be the finest lyric poet since SHELLEY, and Mr. LYALL seldom
+makes a mistake. Mr. Bodgers, it may be added, is the sub-editor of the
+_Kilspindie Courant_, and has a handicap of twenty-two at the local golf
+club.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Very welcome also is the announcement that Professor Hector McGollop has
+undertaken to edit a series of Manuals of Moral Uplift, to which he will
+contribute the opening volume on _The Art of Unction_. Other
+contributors to the series are Dr. Talisker Dinwiddie, Principal Marcus
+Tonks and the Rev. Bandley Chadd.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In the department of fiction the most remarkable of the novelties
+promised by Messrs. Odder and Thynne is _The Nut's Progress_, by Mr.
+EWAN STRAW. It will be remembered that in a four-column review of Mr.
+STRAW'S last book, _Nothing Doing_, which appeared in the Xmas number of
+the _Book Booster_, Sir CLEMENT SHORTHOUSE declared that this talented
+fictionist combined the lilt of FRANK SMEDLEY (the author of _Frank
+Fairleigh_) with the whimsicality of BARRIE and the austere morality of
+ANNIE SWAN. Otherwise we may be sure the firm of Odder and Thynne would
+never have published a work with so risky a title.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PERHAPS.
+
+    Of wolves that wear sheep's clothing
+      The world has long been full,
+    But I've a special loathing
+      For one in Berlin wool.
+
+    Although the wool may cover
+      Not more than half the beast,
+    Perhaps when all is over
+      He'll be entirely fleeced.
+
+    W. W.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "MAGNIFICENT BEQUEST TO THE LOUVRE. Sunspot Visible to the Naked
+    Eye."
+
+    _Times._
+
+France seems to have acquired Germany's spot in the sun.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Ethel (in apprehensive whisper which easily reaches her
+German governess, to whom she is deeply attached)._ "MOTHER, SHALL WE
+HAVE TO KILL FR�ULEIN?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+REASONING IN THE RANKS.
+
+[_Several journals have pointed out that the type of recruit now
+offering himself is in a high degree capable of reasoning and
+initiative._]
+
+"Now I want any of you who are puzzled about anything to ask questions
+about it," said the instructing sergeant-major ... and anon:
+
+"Right about, Number 3 of the front rank! There is no such thing as left
+about turn. Squad, form----"
+
+"Excuse me," interrupted Number 3, "but why do you say that there is no
+such thing as left about turn?"
+
+"Because there isn't," said the sergeant-major unsympathetically.
+
+"But, my good man," urged Number 3, "there must be. I've just done it.
+Why, look here!"
+
+He did it again.
+
+"Such a movement is not in the drill-book," said the sergeant-major
+curtly.
+
+"But," protested Number 3, "you told us yourself only yesterday that
+very few of the total possible commands _are_ in the drill-book. For
+instance, there is no provision for lining a railway embankment, often,
+I understand, a salutary and even vital evolution."
+
+The sergeant-major considered.
+
+"There's no use," he said at last weightily, "'avin' _two_ ways of doin'
+anything when one will do. It is generally considered that right about
+turn is enough ways of turning about for any one man."
+
+"By all means," admitted the recruit generously, "let us be frugal.
+Frugality is the mainspring of efficiency. One way of turning about is
+ample for me. But why right rather than left?"
+
+"Because right's right, and that's all there is to it," said the
+sergeant-major, who was tiring of the argument.
+
+"Exactly," admitted Number 3, "and left's left, and _that_ leaves us
+just where we started. Now if the War Office had tossed up and made a
+general decision in favour of right I could understand the position. But
+my impression is that this is not so. Thus, if I were to step off with
+the right foot----"
+
+"Shut your face," said the sergeant-major, "and do what you're told.
+Squad! A-bout---- Turn!"
+
+"Reasoning," observed Number 3, "is lost upon yonder survival of the old
+school of stereotyped militarism. The hour for initiative has arrived."
+
+And by way of protest he executed a neat left about turn.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GUNS OF VERDUN
+
+    Guns of Verdun point to Metz
+    From the plated parapets;
+    Guns of Metz grin back again
+    O'er the fields of fair Lorraine.
+
+    Guns of Metz are long and grey
+    Growling through a summer day;
+    Guns of Verdun, grey and long,
+    Boom an echo of their song.
+
+    Guns of Metz to Verdun roar,
+    "Sisters, you shall foot the score;"
+    Guns of Verdun say to Metz,
+    "Fear not, for we pay our debts."
+
+    Guns of Metz they grumble, "When?"
+    Guns of Verdun answer then,
+    "Sisters, when to guard Lorraine
+    Gunners lay you East again!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: AT THE POST OF HONOUR.
+
+LIBERTY (_to Belgium_)--"TAKE COMFORT. YOUR COURAGE IS VINDICATED; YOUR
+WRONGS SHALL BE AVENGED."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+(EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.)
+
+_House of Lords, Tuesday, Aug. 25._--After fortnight's recess Parliament
+meets again. Scene mightily changed. At time of adjournment country on
+brink of war. Now in thick of it.
+
+Contrary to custom interest centred in Chamber at this end of corridor.
+Man of the moment is the tall strongly-framed figure that enters on
+stroke of appointed hour and marches with soldierly step to Ministerial
+Bench. This is KITCHENER, Secretary of State for War, primed with
+message from the Army which, making its first stand at Mons, had a
+baptism of fire that lasted thirty-six hours.
+
+With characteristic modesty the new Minister seated himself at lower end
+of Bench. CREWE presently arriving signalled him to come up higher.
+Accordingly seated himself next to LEADER OF HOUSE. Thence rose at
+half-past four to make his maiden speech, a deliverance effected under
+rarely momentous circumstances. Brought with him one of those "scraps of
+paper" which the KAISER scorns when they contain such trifling matter as
+a solemn treaty with a neighbouring nation. On this KITCHENER, more at
+home on the battlefield than in a place where a man's business is to
+talk, had written his speech.
+
+It was brief, manly, simple. Made haste to point out that, though
+associated with the Cabinet, holding high office in the Government, his
+appearance on the Ministerial Bench did not imply that he belonged to
+any political party.
+
+"As a soldier," he said, "I have no politics."
+
+House startled to hear him add that his occupation of the post of
+Secretary of State for War is temporary. Terms of his service are those
+of the recruits for the new Army. He is engaged to serve during the war.
+If it lasts longer than three years, then for three years only.
+
+Faced by grim suggestion that the war just opening may last for three
+years, a deeper gravity fell over listening House. KITCHENER
+pre-eminently a man who knows what he is talking about. And here he was
+in level tones, unruffled manner, taking into account the contingency of
+the war lasting three years.
+
+That this was no idle conjecture, rather a well-thought-out possibility
+intelligently provided for, appeared when he went on to describe how the
+contingency must be faced. The enemy had already brought his full
+resources into the field. It was a maximum which, after a succession of
+days like last Sunday, must necessarily diminish. On the other hand,
+whilst we have put a comparatively small force afoot, there is behind
+it, at home and in the Colonies, a vast reserve which, diligently
+trained and organised, will steadily reinforce the fighting line. In the
+course of six or seven months there will be a total of thirty divisions,
+continually kept up to full fighting strength.
+
+Nor was that all.
+
+"If," said the soldier-Minister, "the war be protracted, and if its
+fortune be varied or adverse, exertions and sacrifices beyond any
+already demanded will be required from the whole nation and Empire."
+
+Ominous words increasing prevalent gloom. At least satisfactory to know
+that in his official communications KITCHENER will always cheer us by
+presenting to closest view the worst that has actually happened or is
+possibly in store.
+
+_Business done._--KITCHENER makes his maiden speech.
+
+Illustration: ANOTHER "SCRAP OF PAPER." (K. of K.)
+
+_House of Commons, Wednesday._--No one looking in on House this
+afternoon would imagine that the country is engaged in an armed fight,
+issues of which will in one direction or another transform the aspect of
+Europe. Atmosphere unruffled. "Business as usual" the order of the day.
+
+Pretty full attendance considering House has with brief intervals been
+in session since February and meets again at what in normal times would
+be period of full recess. PREMIER on Treasury Bench at opening of
+sitting. Having answered a few questions, withdrew to his private room
+and was no more seen.
+
+LLOYD GEORGE, left in charge, moved through various stages series of
+emergency measures.
+
+On Currency and Bank Note Bill question of design of new twenty-shilling
+and ten-shilling notes came up. Some disrespectful things said of it.
+CHANCELLOR OF EXCHEQUER admitted its imperfection but pleaded that in
+the hurried circumstances of the day it was the best that could be done.
+Exception especially taken on score that the design made forgery easy.
+Here the CHANCELLOR differed.
+
+"I have been told by an expert in these matters," he said, with the
+pleased air of one recalling the dictum of a respected friend, "that the
+plainer the design on a note the more difficult it is to forge it."
+
+All the same the notes are to be called in and replaced.
+
+_Business done._--Second reading of Bill giving Government blank cheque
+for meeting expenses of war carried without debate or division.
+
+_Thursday._--PREMIER'S surpassing gift of speech, equally concise and
+eloquent, never more brilliantly displayed than this afternoon. Proposed
+Resolution conveying expression of sympathy and admiration for heroic
+resistance offered by the Belgian Army and people to wanton invasion of
+their territory. In speech that occupied less than ten minutes in
+delivery the PREMIER, himself moved to loftiest pitch of righteous
+indignation, touched deepest feelings of a crowded House.
+
+Referring to Great Britain's intervention in "a quarrel in which it had
+no direct concern," he pointed out that the country threw away the
+scabbard only when confronted by necessity of choice between keeping and
+breaking solemn obligations, between the discharge of a binding trust
+and a shameless subservience.
+
+A deep-throated cheer approved his emphatic declaration, "We do not
+repent our decision."
+
+Cheers rang forth again when in another fine passage he said, "The
+Belgians have won for themselves the immortal glory which belongs to a
+people who prefer freedom to ease, to security, even to life itself. We
+are proud of their alliance and their friendship. We salute them with
+respect and honour. We are with them heart and soul."
+
+Difficult to follow outburst of genuine eloquence like this, delivered
+with thrilling force. BONAR LAW in equally brief speech voiced hearty
+acquiescence of Opposition in Resolution. JOHN REDMOND, associating
+Ireland whole-heartedly with it, made practical suggestion, that,
+instead of lending Belgium ten millions as proposed, we should hand the
+money over to her as a free gift, an instalment of a just debt.
+
+_Business done._--More Emergency Bills advanced by stages. Ominous hint
+of fresh taxation dropped by CHANCELLOR.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: FOR NEUTRAL CONSUMPTION.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: GERMAN KAISER. "We are not satisfied with Our moustache;
+it seems to need support on the Eastern side."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BLANCHE'S LETTERS
+
+THE WAR SPIRIT
+
+    _Park Lane._
+
+DEAREST DAPHNE,--There was a big party of us at the Clackmannans' Scotch
+place, Blairbinkie, when all these fearful things began to happen--and
+now where are we all? The Flummery boys and ever so many more of the
+party are at the front with their regiments. The Duke of Clackmannan is
+at the head of the Clackmannan Yeomanry. Norty's gone off to help take
+care of the East coast, and it's lucky to have _him_ helping to protect
+it and keep watch, for if there's _anybody_ who could see things coming
+sooner than anybody else it's Norty!
+
+Stella, Beryl, Babs and your Blanche are all back in Town, and when
+we're not taking lessons in nursing we're sewing at flannel. I make
+Yvonne do my hair quite, _quite_ plainly, and I'm giving my jewels to my
+country. I've already given my dear collar of pearls. I gave that first
+because I love it best of all my jewels, because it can _never_ be
+replaced, and because pearls suit me better than _any_ other stone.
+
+All our first fingers are covered with pricks and look immensely horrid,
+but we glory in it and won't even put any cold cream on them! As I said
+yesterday afternoon, when we were all sewing away at flannel, if _any_
+woman, I don't care _who_, offered me her hand and I saw that the first
+finger was _smooth_ I'd refuse to take it! Beryl must needs weigh in
+with, "But, my dear Blanche, she wouldn't offer you her _left_ hand!
+It's the _left_ forefinger that gets punished in needlework." "The
+principle is the same," I answered coldly. "And besides, some people are
+left-handed." Beryl has decent qualities, I know, and one doesn't want
+to find fault with anyone just now, but she was always like that--and
+her _hemming_, dearest!
+
+Babs is wild to go to the front, but I say she'd be only a nuisance
+until she knows more about nursing. Someone told me the other day,
+_� propos_ of untrained women going to the front and hindering instead of
+helping, that during the last war a poor dear in one of the hospitals
+had his hair parted _fifty_ times in an hour by _fifty_ different
+people, and nearly got brain-fever.
+
+There was a man in the party at Blairbinkie who, before we were at war,
+talked _fervidly_ of what he should do for his country if trouble came.
+I had not liked Hector Swankington the least little bit before that, but
+when he said that, in the event of war, he would raise a troop at his
+own expense, call it "Swankington's Horse" and lead it himself "wherever
+the fighting was hottest," I thought I'd not done him justice. So I
+listened to him and approved and encouraged the plan. And then the storm
+burst and we all scattered. The other morning I met him in the Park when
+I was taking my early walk. He asked if I would dine with him some
+evening at the "Iridescent," and I said it was not a time for dining at
+restaurants. "No," he agreed, "it certainly isn't now all the French
+cooks are gone; and what an idiotic idea this is about reducing the
+number of courses at dinner! Silly rot, I call it!"
+
+I ignored this and asked, "What about 'Swankington's Horse'?"
+
+"Oh! that's all off," he said huffily. "I wrote to the authorities about
+raising the troop, asked what State recognition I should get, and
+enclosed a drawing of the hat I meant to wear as leader--a ripping
+scheme, turned up at one side and with a bunch of feathers. All the
+answer I got was a few brief words of acknowledgment and a request to
+set about it at once and report myself somewhere or other. Not a word of
+the State recognition I was to receive, and the drawing of the hat
+returned with 'Not approved' scrawled across it. So I've chucked the
+whole business. And now don't let us talk of _that_ any more!"
+
+I gave him my freezing look (you've never seen my freezing look,
+dearest--it's _terrible_!) and I said with a little calm deadly manner
+that I very, _very_ seldom use, "I've no wish to talk to you of
+_that_--or of anything else--ever again." And I left him.
+
+The party at Blairbinkie that scattered almost as soon as it assembled
+was by way of being a farewell to the old place, for the Clackmannans
+had virtually sold it to a Mr. Spragg, of Pittsburg. He was going to
+have the old castle taken across in bits and set up again in
+Pennsylvania; and he was taking all the family portraits, the mausoleum,
+the old trees in the park and the stags at a valuation, as well as the
+village itself with all its cottages and people, in order that the
+castle might have its proper _setting_ out there. There were two more
+things he wanted included in the bargain--a village idiot and a family
+ghost ("hereditary spectre," he called it).
+
+Ah, my dear! all this belongs to the happy old days of a hundred years
+ago, when we were all three or four weeks younger. The man from
+Pittsburg, so far from being able to buy Blairbinkie, hardly knows where
+to look for his next meal, and as for shipping castles and trees and
+mausoleums and village idiots and family ghosts across the Atlantic he
+only wishes he could get _himself_ across, even if he had to work his
+passage!
+
+Josiah is at the uttermost ends of the earth. He went in June, about
+rubber-mines or oil-concessions, I'm not sure which. I had a cable from
+him the other day from a place that began with "Boo" and ended with
+"atty"--I forget what came between. He told me not to be anxious, that
+he'd get back when and how he could. My answer was, "Not anxious.
+Wherever you are you'd better stay there, or you may get taken prisoner
+by those creatures, and then I'd never forgive you!"
+
+Talking of prisoners reminds me of a rumour about the
+Bullyon-Boundermeres. They were cruising somewhere in their new big
+steam-yacht when war broke out, and now there's a report that the enemy
+have taken the yacht and turned it into a cruiser; that the
+Bullyon-Boundermere people are prisoners on board, and that they're
+making _her_ wash dishes and forcing _him_ to work as a stoker or a
+bulkhead or some fearful thing of that kind! This is not _official_, my
+dear, but I give it you for what it's worth.
+
+I called a little meeting here yesterday about a scheme of mine. Beryl
+and Babs and your Blanche and several more of us are really _crack_
+shots, and I want to form us into a band of rifle-women and ask the
+Powers that be to let us guard some important place--a bridge or a bank
+or a powder magazine. We should wear a distinctive uniform, and we
+wouldn't let anyone come _near_! Babs said she hoped the uniform would
+be smart and becoming, but I soon shut her up. "This is not a time to
+think of cut or colour," I told her. "Myself, I shouldn't care _how_ my
+uniform was cut--even if the _shoulder_ seams were at the _elbows_. And
+as for colour I'd wear _grass-green_, though it's a colour in which I
+look a mere _fiend_, if it would help my country!" And Beryl and Babs
+cried and kissed me.
+
+    Ever thine,
+    BLANCHE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _The Lady of the House_, "JUST THE PERSON I WANTED TO
+SEE. I'VE STARTED TEN COMMITTEES IN CONNECTION WITH THE WAR AND I WANT
+YOUR HELP."
+
+_Visitor._ "MY _DEAR_! I'VE JUST STARTED TWELVE AND I SIMPLY _COUNTED_
+ON YOU!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Suez Canal has brought St. Helena much closer than in
+    Napoleonic days."
+
+    _T.P.'s Weekly._
+
+In the same way the opening of the Panama Canal has made Heligoland much
+more adjacent than in Lord SALISBURY'S days.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ODE TO JOHN BRADBURY.
+
+(_The new notes for_ �1 _and_ 10s. _are signed by JOHN BRADBURY._)
+
+    When the Red KAISER, swoll'n with impious pride
+      And stuffed with texts to serve his instant need,
+    Took Shame for partner and Disgrace for guide,
+      Earned to the full the hateful traitor's meed,
+          And bade his hordes advance
+    Through Belgium's cities towards the fields of France;
+    And when at last our patient island race,
+          By the attempted wrong
+          Made fierce and strong,
+    Flung back the challenge in the braggart's face,
+    Oh then, while martial music filled the air,
+      Clarion and fife and bagpipe and the drum,
+    Calling to men to muster, march, and dare,
+      Oh, then thy day, JOHN BRADBURY, was come.
+
+    JOHN BRADBURY, the Muse shall fill my strain
+      To sing thy praises; thou hadst spent thy time
+    Not idly, nor hadst lived thy life in vain,
+      Unfitted for the guerdon of my rhyme.
+    For lo, the Funds went sudden crashing down,
+      And men grew pale with monetary fear,
+          And in the toppling mart
+          The stoutest heart
+    Melted, and fortunes seemed to disappear;
+    And some, forgetting their austere renown,
+          Went mad and sold
+    Whate'er they could and wildly called for Gold!
+
+    "Since through no fault of ours the die was cast
+          We shall go forth and fight
+          In death's despite
+    And shall return victorious at the last;
+          But how, ah how," they said,
+          "Shall we and ours be fed
+    And clothed and housed from dreary day to day,
+    If, while our hearths grow cold, we have no coin to pay?"
+
+    Then thou, where no gold was and little store
+      Of silver, didst appear and wave thy pen,
+          And with thy signature
+          Make things secure,
+    Bidding us all pluck up our hearts once more
+      And face our foolish fancied fears like men.
+    "I give you notes," you said, "of different kinds
+          To ease your anxious minds:
+    The one is black and shall be fairly found
+    Equal in value to a golden pound;
+    The other--mark its healthy scarlet print--
+    Is worth a full half-sovereign from the Mint."
+
+    Thus didst thou speak--at least I think thou didst--
+          And, lo, the murmurs fell
+          And all things went right well,
+    While thy notes fluttered in our happy midst.
+    Therefore our grateful hearts go forth to thee,
+    Our British note-provider, brave JOHN BRADBURY!
+
+R. C. L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "BELGIUM.--Can any member let me know as to what kind of weather to
+    expect in Belgium towards the end of October, and as to the
+    condition of the roads? I and my wife propose going a tandem tour at
+    that time in the Ardennes, Luxembourg, etc. Are most of the hotels
+    shut for the season at that time? Would the north of France be
+    preferable?--G. J."--_C. T. C. Gazette._
+
+This gentleman is evidently particular. We are half afraid he will not
+get quite what he wants.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE COLUMN OF ADVENTURE.
+
+Even _The Times'_ "agony column," my staple reading during
+toast-and-marmalade, suffers from the all-pervading war. Old friends
+have dropped out of the column on its war march. No longer does the
+Young Gentleman yearning for the idyllic life call on the charitable to
+provide him with a year of perfect ease, comfort and luxury. I had hoped
+to meet him some day, to draw out his confidences, perchance to edit his
+memoirs. "My Check is My Fortune" would be a catchy title. But
+apparently the War has put him out of business. The idyllic life has
+gone. Another victim.
+
+His place is being filled by the Sportsman, eager to be up and
+shooting--partridges. "Either singly or with a house party," he offers.
+He asks only for board, lodging and ammunition. These provided, he is
+willing to go for the enemy all September and October.
+
+Another Sportsman, humbler in aspiration, is prepared to specialise on
+rabbits. He is ready to continue the fight until "Peace terms dictated
+in Berlin by Allies."
+
+There has also arisen the Professional Rescuer. He offers to go
+abroad--for a cash consideration--and smuggle back stranded relatives.
+He does not give particulars of personal appearance, but one may imagine
+him as essentially Williamlequeuish--small dark moustache, super-shrewd
+eyes, Homburg hat, a revolver in every pocket, speaking six languages
+more fluently than the natives, and on terms of intimacy with half the
+diplomats of Europe. He would open his conversation with a casual: "The
+last time I was chatting with the KAISER (I shall, of course, cut him in
+future)...."
+
+Another occupation has been called into being by the War. It is that of
+Berth-Snatcher. He is apparently a City man who has realised all his
+securities and invested them in berths and staterooms on Atlantic
+Liners. These he now offers "at a small bonus"--exact amount unstated.
+
+Also interesting is the occupation of Amateur Adviser. He has much
+well-intentioned advice to offer to all and sundry: "To the War Office.
+It is hoped that something is being done regarding," etc. Or: "Japan,
+our Ally, could easily lend us half a million men."
+
+Presumably the Amateur Adviser has been denied place in the
+correspondence columns.
+
+The Young Hungarian Nobleman, whose remittances have been stopped by the
+war, is reminiscent of the original yearner for the idyllic life. "Is
+supposed to be of good appearance," he states with obtrusive modesty.
+
+But the romantic halo around these young aristocrats is rather tarnished
+by the Young French Vicomte. When he advertises that he "would
+thankfully accept some clothes from English or American gentlemen," one
+suspects a snug little second-hand business somewhere in savoury Soho.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a letter in _The Bristol Evening Times_:--
+
+    "Only last evening I was passing through one of our main
+    thoroughfares, and saw seven or eight Territorials taking
+    refreshment in the backbone. I ask in fairness, Is this the
+    backbone. I ask in fairness, is this patriotic?"
+
+In fairness we reply. It is neither.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The old Latinist has it, 'Deos vult pedere prius dementas.'"
+
+    _Manx Chronicle._
+
+How one's Latin slips from one with advancing age! But he must have been
+very old.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Scheldt can easily be damned."--_Daily Chronicle._
+
+So can the KAISER, but it isn't enough to say so.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Ex-Teuton (to landlady)._ "ACH! MADAME, EET IS ALL
+RIGHT! I VOS ENGLEESH NOW! I HAVE TO-DAY MEIN PAPERS OF NATIONALIZATION
+TO YOUR HOME OFFICE SENT OFF. DERE VOS SEVERAL OATHS BY HALF-A-DOZEN
+PEOPLES TO BE SVORN. IT VOS A TREMENDOUS AFFAIRS!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HEROES.
+
+Once upon a time, many years ago--how many I cannot say, but certainly
+it must have been before the Christian era--there lived a sublime
+Emperor. After being for long the warmest, if platonic, friend of Peace,
+and forcing the world to listen to his loud protestations of fidelity,
+he suddenly surprised his hearers by declaring war.
+
+It was shortly after the opening of hostilities that he was seated on
+his throne presenting awards of merit to the bravest of his brave
+soldiers. The hall was filled with martial enthusiasm, and the memorable
+scene was one in which splendour, animation and the confidence of
+rectitude were equally notable.
+
+The Emperor's noble Vizier, to whose massive mind treaties were of no
+more consequence than waste paper, stood at the side of his Imperial
+Master to act as introducer of the gallant soldiers whose exploits (with
+which the world was ringing) it had been decided to reward although so
+early in the campaign--_pour encourager les autres_.
+
+"The first decorations," remarked the Vizier, "are for deeds of signal
+courage."
+
+He motioned to a stalwart warrior. "This noble son of the Empire," he
+said, "with his own bow shot six non-combatants within as many minutes."
+
+Loud cheers rent the air.
+
+"Three of them," the Vizier continued, "were women."
+
+Louder cheers.
+
+"The other three were old men over seventy."
+
+Immense enthusiasm.
+
+"This determined hacker-through," the Vizier continued, as another giant
+stood forth, "shot an unarmed priest."
+
+More enthusiasm.
+
+"And," added the Vizier, "burned his temple."
+
+Amid the plaudits of the flower of the Stale the monarch affixed the
+cherished tokens to the heroes' breasts. "My Braves!" he exclaimed. "In
+the name of the Fatherland I thank you."
+
+Another warrior stepped out and saluted.
+
+"And what, my friend," asked the monarch, "did you do?"
+
+"Nothing, Sire," he replied with the unaffected simplicity of the man of
+action; "I merely stamped on some little children--twins, I think."
+
+"Two medals for that," said the Emperor with ready wit, and there was
+not a wet eye as he placed them in their proud position.
+
+The Vizier beckoned to a youthful officer on whose lip the down was
+hardly yet visible. But though young in years he was already every inch
+a soldier of his country.
+
+"This gallant gentleman," said the Vizier, "unaided, and at great
+personal risk, shot a baby in arms."
+
+"In arms?" asked the monarch sharply. "Surely that mitigates the
+heroism?"
+
+"I meant in its mother's arms," the Vizier hastily explained.
+
+"Ah!" said the Emperor with a sigh of relief, "that reassures me." And
+amid profound excitement he embraced the soldier, pinned the coveted
+badge to his breast and bade him quickly return to the front to carry on
+the great work.
+
+"The next reward is for resource in emergency," said the master of
+ceremonies an hour or so later.
+
+He beckoned to a superb officer, splendid in his trappings--a blue-eyed
+colossus of nearly six-feet-six.
+
+"This highborn Captain," said the Vizier, "snatched some women from
+their beds and pushed them before his men so that the enemy should not
+shoot."
+
+The hall resounded with applause.
+
+"'Twas a brilliant thought," said the Emperor. "Not only will we
+decorate him for intelligence, but for valour."
+
+"The last is for chivalry, Sire," said the master of the ceremonies,
+indicating the remaining award.
+
+An officer stood forth.
+
+"This warrior," said the Vizier, "ordered his men to trample down some
+public flower-beds in the enemy's capital."
+
+"Bravely done," said the Emperor. "A great and imaginative lesson. We'll
+learn them to resist invasion!"
+
+Amid renewed demonstrations of loyalty and fervour the Emperor brought
+the proceedings to a close.
+
+"Among so many deeds of valour," he said, "I find it impossible to say
+which is the most splendid. All are glorious. I am in a position to
+assure you that Heaven is proud of you. The Fatherland also is proud of
+you, and, above all, I am proud of you. May the blessings of Heaven
+continue to fall upon our great and merciful campaign for the right!"
+
+With these words the proceedings terminated and the heroes hurried back
+to the fighting line, eager to win more laurels by similar feats of
+culture.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SIDELIGHTS ON THE WAR.
+
+It is frequently remarked that the present war will be far-reaching in
+its consequences. The truth of this is apparent from the following
+notices, gathered at random from the column of "Personal Paragraphs"
+which the Editor of _The Shrimpington-on-Sea Gazette_ publishes weekly,
+without charge, thereby earning the reputation of a patriot:--
+
+IN CONSEQUENCE OF the present crisis in the Money Market, Mrs. Pincham
+desires to give notice that she hereby disclaims all liability for any
+debts contracted by her at Bridge, and the same will not be paid.
+
+THIS IS TO SAY THAT, owing to the war and my pocket-money being stopped
+because I broke the dining-room window, if Jackson Minor does not pay me
+the balance of sixpence remaining for his half-share of the white rabbit
+we both bought last term, his half of the rabbit will be sold and the
+proceeds kept by the undersigned, SMITH TERTIUS.
+
+LADY STRAITER regrets to be obliged to announce that, in consequence of
+the perilous financial situation in Europe, she will be forced to
+discontinue her subscription of 2_s._ 6_d._ per annum to the Society for
+the Relief of Distressed Dustmen.
+
+MR. ALURED DE MORTIMER TALBOT-HOWARD-ST. MAUR begs to inform his many
+friends and the general public that the above is his real name, and that
+he is proud to say he is by birth and descent an Englishman. The
+spiteful rumours which allege that he originally kept a pawnbroker's
+shop in Hamburg, where his name was Wilhelm Guggelheimer, are merely the
+inventions of malicious persons who are envious of his property and
+social position.
+
+As the Shrimpington-on-Sea Golf Course has been entirely ploughed-up
+(with the exception of the greens) and planted with onions, turnips,
+cabbages, and beetroot, to increase our national food-supply, all
+members are requested to play in rubber-soled shoes only during the next
+two months, so as not to damage the growing crops.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"MY AUNT."
+
+Illustration: SHOULD THE TELEPHONE BE USED EXCEPT UNDER MEDICAL
+ADVICE?
+
+    _Mrs. Martingale_    Miss LOTTIE VENNE.
+    _Dr. Sweette_        Mr. ERNEST HENDRIE.
+
+       ***
+
+Really, the only question to ask oneself of this adaptation from the
+French is "Is it funny enough?" With so much being offered by the
+newsboy outside the Vaudeville that is not at all funny, it would be
+pleasant to find inside the doors a little relief from the world.
+
+I will give the authors the benefit of any doubt I may have felt now and
+then, and say that _My Aunt_ serves its purpose. In places it made us
+all laugh a good deal, and I don't think we were prepared to be easily
+amused; although (for a reason which still escapes me) there was a
+sudden burst of clapping when _Aubrey Braxton_ announced that he had
+received an "ultimatum" from _Suzanne_. The latter part of the Second
+Act is particularly well worked up, and one remark of _Aubrey's_ to
+_Leslie Tarbolton_ brought down the house. ("You are the sort of man who
+would go to call on a sick friend ... and eat his grapes.") The Third
+Act is terribly padded with things which are not really funny, but it
+gives us an opportunity of seeing a little more of Miss LOTTIE VENNE, to
+whom the authors had not previously been generous. (I love Miss VENNE'S
+voice and I love her manner of waving her arms in the air. It was
+delightful to see and listen to her again.)
+
+For the best parts of the first two Acts, then; for Miss LOTTIE VENNE'S
+voice; above all, for Mr. A. W. BASKCOMB'S face, _My Aunt_ is worth
+while. As _Aubrey Braxton_ Mr. BASKCOMB--the never-to-be-forgotten
+_Slightly_ of so many Christmasses--goes through all the many troubles
+of a hero of farce with his own inimitable air of hopeless resignation.
+I hope that his efforts will not be unrewarded, and that the management
+will find that, without rivalling the success of that other aunt,
+Charley's, they will yet for some time be able to play to good "business
+as usual."
+
+  M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH'S HOLIDAY STORIES.
+
+III.--THE FIGHT OF THE CENTURY.
+
+(Concluded.)
+
+    [_SYNOPSIS OF PRECEDING INSTALMENT:--The great boxing boom is at its
+    height. A fight arranged between Smasher Mike and the famous
+    heavyweight champion. Mauler Mills, is arousing intense excitement
+    throughout the country. Nothing whatever is known of the Smasher,
+    and the betting is therefore 100 to 1 against him. Young Lord
+    Tamerton is at this time in desperate financial straits. His bosom
+    friend, Ralph Wonderson, who is in love with his sister, the
+    beautiful Lady Margaret Tamerton, prevails upon him to wager heavily
+    on Smasher Mike, and undertakes to put him in the way of obtaining a
+    loan of �5,000 for this purpose. Their conversation is overheard by
+    an agent of Sir Ernest Scrivener,_ alias _Marmaduke Moorsdyke, who
+    is the mortal enemy of Wonderson and is plotting to get Lady
+    Margaret Tamerton in his power._]
+
+The vast area of Corinthia was crammed with eager spectators, whose eyes
+were concentrated with feverish intensity on the raised platform in the
+centre of the hall. In the seats near the ring, for each of which a
+hundred guineas had been charged, sat the cream of Britain's
+aristocracy, including Lord Tamerton and Lady Margaret Tamerton, for
+whom two tickets in a plain envelope had been left that morning.
+
+At last the preliminaries came to an end and Smasher Mike, clad in a
+claret-coloured dressing-gown with yellow facings, crawled through the
+ropes and went to his corner. As he raised his face to the lights a
+murmur of amazement ran through the hall.
+
+"_It's Ralph Wonderson!_" Lady Margaret gripped her brother's arm till
+the perspiration stood out on his forehead.
+
+"_It's Ralph Wonderson!_" The whisper passed from lip to lip, merging
+presently into a burst of cheering as Mauler Mills scrambled up to the
+platform, wearing an electric-blue dressing-gown with green facings and
+pink sash.
+
+Ralph sat motionless in his corner, watching his gigantic adversary with
+a pleasant smile and softly whistling the air of a popular song. At
+length the referee leisurely entered the ring. As he did so, Ralph gave
+a violent start and Lady Margaret gripped her brother's arm till his
+teeth chattered. _The referee was not the popular Algernon Mittens, as
+had been announced, but Sir Ernest Scrivener!_
+
+Lord Tamerton stared up at the ring with ashen lips. With such an
+official in charge nothing but a miracle could save Ralph Wonderson from
+being disqualified in the first round. The House of Tamerton was more
+utterly ruined than ever.
+
+But in thirty seconds Ralph, trained in many sports to meet all
+emergencies, had summed up the situation and decided upon his course of
+action.
+
+The gong sounded and the two pugilists advanced warily towards each
+other. Suddenly Ralph lashed out a terrific right which, as he intended,
+missed the Mauler by a foot. Unable, apparently, to retain his balance,
+he swung completely round with the impetus of the blow, and his clenched
+fist landed squarely upon the referee's jaw. Sir Ernest shot high over
+the ropes and crashed down on the Dowager Duchess of Cumbersea, whence
+he rebounded with terrible force into the arms of the Marquis of
+Meltington.
+
+After a brief delay all three were removed to the hospital.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The fight, under a new referee, was in its twentieth round. Not a sound
+could be heard beyond the shuffling of the pugilists' feet and the thud
+of fist on flesh.
+
+Feinting with his left, the Mauler clinched heavily with his right, but
+Ralph foiled the attack with a clever half-nelson. Again Mills swung his
+right, and again Ralph parried the blow, this time by sending his left
+to the funny-bone and thus paralysing the arm. He then dashed in and
+uppercut his opponent severely on the occiput. Mauler Mills staggered to
+the ropes, to which he clung frantically in order to preserve his
+balance.
+
+A savage roar went up from the crowd, roused now to a pitch of frenzied
+excitement. "Now you've got him! Finish him! Put him out!" they shouted.
+
+But Ralph, chivalrous as always, drew back, bowed formally to his
+opponent and quietly awaited his recovery.
+
+Presently, after a courteous enquiry and an assurance from the Mauler
+that he was quite ready, the pair exchanged a warm handshake and renewed
+their combat.
+
+Taking a deep breath, Ralph advanced with cat-like tread and flashing
+eyes upon his adversary. Knowing from painful experience what to expect,
+the latter circled cautiously away, covering his face with his hands.
+But Ralph, realising that time was short, determined not to be baffled.
+Combining the agility of the chamois with the ponderous strength of the
+hippopotamus, he crouched low and sprang like a tiger through the air
+upon the unhappy Mauler, striking him full on the solar plexus. White to
+the lips, the Mauler fell squirming to the floor, while Ralph
+nonchalantly adjusted a lock of hair which had floated loose.
+
+"_One--two--three ..._" the voice of the referee was like the voice of
+inexorable Fate ... "_four--five--six ..._" Lady Margaret gripped her
+brother's arm till his hair stood on end ... "_seven--eight ..._" The
+Countess of Snecks fainted with a loud shriek ... "_nine--Out_"!
+
+The great fight was won. The House of Tamerton was saved.
+
+Clad in his claret-coloured dressing-gown, the new champion pressed his
+_fianc�e_ against the yellow facings and stroked her fair hair fondly
+with his boxing-gloves.
+
+"My little wife!" he whispered.
+
+And the vast area of Corinthia rang with emotional cheers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Sentry (suddenly appearing)._ "HALT! WHO GOES THERE?"
+
+_Brown._ "ER--SEASON!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+Far too rarely does the conscientious reviewer enjoy such a chance as
+has come to me now, a chance to let himself go in the matter of praise
+without stint or reservation. As a reward doubtless for some of my many
+unrecorded good deeds, there has come into my hands a slender volume
+called _Naval Occasions_ (BLACKWOOD), which seems to me to be the most
+entirely satisfactory and, indeed, fascinating thing of its kind that
+ever I read. The writer chooses for his own sufficient reasons to
+disguise himself as "BARTIMEUS," and under that name I have to ask him
+to accept my very sincere gratitude. The little book contains
+twenty-five sketches, mostly quite short, relating to (I quote its text,
+taken from the Articles of War) "the Navy, whereon, under the good
+Providence of God, the wealth, safety, and strength of the Kingdom
+chiefly depend." Never surely did a book appear so aptly. At a moment
+like this, when the dullest collection of naval facts can stir the
+pulse, such pages as these, full of the actual life and work of the men
+who are safeguarding us all, deserve a public as vast as the Empire
+itself. The appeal of them is amazing, for their art is of so concealed
+a quality that the writing seems simplicity itself. To say that they
+bring the atmosphere of salt winds and the tang of the sea, is nothing;
+a skilful novel about Margate sands would deserve this praise; it is in
+their humanity that the charm lies, the sense of courage and comradeship
+and high endeavour that is in every one of them. You will laugh often as
+you read; and sometimes, quite suddenly, you will find yourself with a
+prickly feeling at the back of the eyes, because of the tears that are
+in these things; but they are the proud kind, never the sloppily
+sentimental. And at the end I am mistaken in you if you do not close the
+book with the rare and moving sensation that you have found something of
+which you can say, as I myself did, "This is absolutely It!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Amongst the thousands of helpful suggestions for the conduct of war
+which have recently filled the columns of the daily press, I do not
+remember having seen any scheme for supplying the officers of the Allied
+Armies with an Irish terrier apiece. And yet if MARIE VON VORST is to be
+trusted, this is a very serious omission, for, had it not been for
+_Pitchoun�_, I fear that the gallant hero of _His Love Story_ (MILLS AND
+BOON) would have perished in the Sahara and never have won the lady of
+his heart. The _Comte de Sabron_ was forbidden by his military orders to
+take a dog with him to Algiers, but _Pitchoun�_ ran all the way from
+Tarascon to Marseilles and jumped into the boat. Subsequently, when his
+master was lying wounded in the desert, he tracked down the nearest
+native village--twelve hours away--and barked till they sent out a
+relief expedition. A boy scout could not do more, and, though my own
+experience of Irish terriers has led me to think that they do not spend
+over much time in the study of ordnance maps, yet for sentiment's sake,
+and because _His Love Story_ is a charmingly written romance, I am ready
+to believe in all the feats of _Pitchoun�_, and even to hope that he
+will not after all be _de trop_ now that _M. le Comte_ is happily
+wedded, but may have another brilliantly successful campaign in front of
+him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Although Mrs. PENROSE'S new novel, _Something Impossible_ (MILLS AND
+BOON), gaily admits in its title its difficulties, I cannot pretend that
+I consider her to have made the most of her opportunity. There are at
+least two classic examples of her theme, Mr. ANSTEY'S _Vice Vers�_ and
+Mr. DE LA MARE'S _Return_. Mrs. PENROSE cannot approach either the
+charming humour of the one or the delicate beauty of the other. On a
+lower plane her story has its amusing moments, and there is a vein of
+real tenderness in her picture of the relations of her hero and his
+faithful lady--a happy relief after the monotonous repetition of
+matrimonial infidelities dealt out to us by the average novel. It will
+be a consolation also to many readers to discover that plain people are
+far more popular than handsome ones and that to "have features of
+classical beauty" is the most unfortunate of handicaps in the race for
+comfort and success. Mrs. PENROSE, like many other women novelists, is
+very cruel to her own sex and never misses an opportunity of exposing
+its shallow sentiments and transient affections. But why are all
+novelists of to-day so merciless to the provincial town? There must be
+some pleasant people in Cathedral cities. I am weary of retired colonels
+with port-stained faces, and vinegary old maids, and unctuous canons.
+Mrs. PENROSE has shown in her earlier books so real a sense of beauty
+and so touching a spirit of kindliness that I am bound to confess that,
+with the exception of her treatment of her hero, this rather acid and
+ironical piece of nonsense is a disappointment.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _The Small Man._ "IF I WAS AS WELL SET UP AS YOU I'D GO
+AND FIGHT FOR MY COUNTRY, _I_ WOULD!"
+
+_The Large Man._ "NO GOOD, MATE, I'VE TRIED IT. TOLD ME AT THE WAR
+OFFICE I WOULD SPOIL THE UNIFORM APPEARANCE OF ANY REGIMENT, SO I'M
+WAITIN' TILL THEY RAISE A CORPS OF CINEMA GUARDS."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From the Emperor of AUSTRIA'S telegram to WILHELM II.:
+
+    "Words fail to express what moves me, and with me my army, in these
+    days of the world's history."
+
+The word "Servia" might express what moves his army.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Scotsman_ on the condition of things in Norway:--
+
+    "Food supplies and rents are controlled by the Government, and
+    spirits and wines cannot be purchased. Most of the English people
+    have now left Norway."
+
+For other reasons, we hope.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "PLEASURE TOURS.--St. Petersburg from London _vi�_ Kiel Canal."
+
+    _Advt. in "Times."_
+
+Take your camera with you, and snap the jolly little German battleships
+as you go past. The result of the recent fight off Heligoland should
+increase your popularity.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+147, September 2nd, 1914, by Various
+
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+<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=ISO-8859-1" />
+<title>The Project Gutenberg Ebook Of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. Volume 147. September 2, 1914. By Various.</title>
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+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 147,
+September 2nd, 1914, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 147, September 2nd, 1914
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: October 26, 2008 [EBook #27055]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+<h1>PUNCH,<br />
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+<h2>VOLUME 147.</h2>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+<h2>SEPTEMBER 2, 1914.</h2>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_193" id="Page_193">[Pg 193]</a></span>
+
+<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2>
+
+<p>Reports still continue to come in as to the outbursts of rage which took
+place in Germany when the news of our participation in the War reached
+that country. Seeing that we had merely been asked to allow our friends
+to be robbed and murdered, our interference is looked upon as peculiarly
+gratuitous.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>We hear, by the way, that the Germans, who hold Kiao-chau on a long
+lease, appealed unsuccessfully to Leaseholders Protection Societies all
+over the world to intervene in defence of their interests.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>We understand that a new version of the <span class="sc">Kaiser's</span> famous "Yellow Peril"
+cartoon (it bore the inscription, "Nations of Europe, protect your
+property!") is in preparation at Tokio, in which a jaundiced <span class="sc">Kaiser</span> is
+delineated as the Yellow Peril.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Those persons who complain that the Allies are too frequently on the
+defensive forget that it is very difficult to be as offensive as the
+Germans.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The report that among the troops which entered Brussels was a bear
+dressed up in infamous taste to represent the King of the <span class="sc">Belgians</span> is
+denied in Germany. It is quite possible that he was merely one of the
+Prussian officers.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The <i>Giornale d'Italia</i> reports that, at a meeting of cardinals held at
+Rome, it was decided to issue an appeal to the belligerents to agree to
+a truce pending the election of a new Pope. It is thought, however, that
+the <span class="sc">Kaiser</span> will refuse even such a reasonable request as this.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>It is rumoured that <span class="sc">Wilhelm II</span>. has despatched all his British uniforms
+to <span class="sc">King George</span>. This, anyhow, should be remembered to his credit. He did
+not wish to disgrace them.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The temptation to call the <span class="sc">Kaiser</span> names is, of course, almost
+irresistible, but we are rather surprised to come across the following
+head-lines in our serious contemporary, <i>The Observer</i>:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Brussels&mdash;and After. The German Sweep."</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>There would seem to be no end to the social horrors of the War. The
+Teuton journal <i>Manufakturist</i> is now prophesying that one of its
+results will be the substitution of German for French fashions.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The title of "The King of Prussia," one of the oldest licensed houses at
+Barnet, is to be altered. Every effort, we understand, is being made in
+Germany to keep the news from the <span class="sc">Kaiser</span>.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>People must not come down too heavily on <span class="sc">Keir Hardie</span>. We honestly
+believe that he honestly believes that his little views are right.
+That's what makes his case so sad.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The Dominican Revolution, it is announced, has ended. It is supposed to
+have been unable to stand the competition of the bigger war.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>There appears to be considerable difference of opinion as to whether
+those persons who are in want of a holiday should take it as usual or
+not. The "Take your Change" movement may be quite right for women and
+children; but the "Leave your Change" movement is better still.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>According to <i>The Evening News</i> three elephants have been requisitioned
+from the Zoo at the White City by the military authorities. In Berlin,
+no doubt, this will be taken to signify that our heavy cavalry mounts
+are giving out.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The Committee of the Masters of the Foxhounds Association have decided
+that, while regular hunting will be impossible, they consider it would
+be most prejudicial to the country in general if it were allowed to
+lapse altogether. In this, we understand, the Committee and the foxes do
+not see eye to eye, the latter taking the view that hunting men ought
+now to devote their entire attention to more important matters.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><span class="sc">"Germans Driven Back From Antwerp"</span> read an indignant old lady. "Driven,
+indeed!" she exclaimed; "I'd have made them walk!"</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The statement issued to the Press by Messrs. <span class="sc">Sutton And Sons</span> to the
+effect that large supplies of bulbs from Holland are now being delivered
+at Reading in as good a condition as ever has, we hear, had a distinctly
+steadying effect on the country at large.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>From Hoylake comes the news that certain persons who live in a street
+there called Prussia Road have petitioned the Urban District Council for
+a change of name&mdash;and it is rumoured that the Council, with a view to
+saving the ratepayers' pockets, have hit upon the ingenious idea of
+obliterating the first letter only of the present name&mdash;thereby also
+paying a well-deserved compliment to a distinguished ally.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>A clerk who left a month ago for a week in lovely Lucerne and has only
+just been able to get back found his employer (a merchant with a strain
+of German blood in his veins) quite angry. "I have half a mind to
+dismiss you for exceeding your leave," he said. "However, you are useful
+to me. Only please understand that you have now had your holiday for the
+next three years as well."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/193.png">
+<img src="images/193.png" width="100%" alt="&quot;Special constables who can speak German are
+particularly required." /></a><br /><br />
+<p>["Special constables who can speak German are
+particularly required."&mdash;<i>Daily paper.</i>]</p><br />
+<p><i>Special Constable</i> (<i>having cornered his man</i>). <span class="sc">"Sprechen Sie Deutsch?"</span></p>
+<p><i>Suspect.</i> <span class="sc">"Nein! Nein!"</span></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"A sow has given birth to a freak of nature. The animal's face is
+almost human in appearance, it has neither eyes nor nostrils, but a
+nose like a fish."</p>
+</div>
+<p class="author"><i>Sheffield Daily Telegraph.</i></p>
+<p>This is like none of our friends.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_194" id="Page_194">[Pg 194]</a></span>
+
+<h2>THE AVENGERS.</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>To our Soldiers in the field.</i>)</center>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Not only that your cause is just and right&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">This much was never doubted; war or play,</p>
+<p class="i0">We go with clean hands into any fight;</p>
+<p class="i2">That is our English way;&mdash;</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Not this high thought alone shall brace your thews</p>
+<p class="i2">To trample under heel those Vandal hordes</p>
+<p class="i0">Who laugh when blood of mother and babe imbrues</p>
+<p class="i2">Their damn&eacute;d craven swords.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">But here must be hot passion, white of flame,</p>
+<p class="i2">Pure hate of this unutterable wrong,</p>
+<p class="i0">Sheer wrath for Christendom so sunk in shame,</p>
+<p class="i2">To make you trebly strong.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">These smoking hearths of fair and peaceful lands,</p>
+<p class="i2">This reeking trail of deeds abhorred of Hell,</p>
+<p class="i0">They cry aloud for vengeance at your hands,</p>
+<p class="i2">Ruthless and swift and fell.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Strike, then&mdash;and spare not&mdash;for the innocent dead</p>
+<p class="i2">Who lie there, stark beneath the weeping skies,</p>
+<p class="i0">As though you saw your dearest in their stead</p>
+<p class="i2">Butchered before your eyes.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">And though the guiltless pay for others guilt</p>
+<p class="i2">Who preached these brute ideals in camp and Court;</p>
+<p class="i0">Though lives of brave and gentle foes be spilt,</p>
+<p class="i2">That loathe this coward sport;</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">On each, without distinction, worst or best,</p>
+<p class="i2">Fouled by a nation's crime, one doom must fall;</p>
+<p class="i0">Be you its instrument, and leave the rest</p>
+<p class="i2">To <span class="sc">God</span>, the Judge of all</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Let it be said of you, when sounds at length</p>
+<p class="i2">Over the final field the victor's strain:&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i0">"They struck at infamy with all their strength,</p>
+<p class="i2">And earth is clean again!"</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<p class="author">O. S.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>HOW GERMANY CAME OFF.</h2>
+
+<p>(<i>Extracts from a diary kept at intervals by a very special
+correspondent in the Dardanelles.</i>)</p>
+
+<p><i><span class="sc">Goeben</span></i> arrives Dardanelles. Announcement of sale to Turkey and of
+disembarcation of German crew.</p>
+
+<p><i>Goeben</i> still in Dardanelles. Having been disposed of to Turkey, the
+ship again disembarced her crew.</p>
+
+<p><i>Goeben</i> continuing in Dardanelles, the disembarcation of German crew,
+which was completed three days ago and again yesterday, began again
+to-day and was carried out successfully.</p>
+
+<p>The <i>Goeben</i> still being at anchor in the Dardanelles, it was decided to
+carry out a disembarcation of her German crew on a scale surpassing all
+previous efforts.</p>
+
+<p>The <i>Goeben</i> continues in the Dardanelles. Owing to the remarkable
+expertness which her crew has acquired, it was possible to carry out
+three disembarcations this afternoon. The officer commanding, indeed,
+proposes shortly to issue a challenge to ships of all nationalities for
+the Open Disembarcation Championship of the World.</p>
+
+<p>The <i>Goeben</i> remains in the Dardanelles. In response to a pressing
+request from great masses of the Turkish population, who have been
+unable before to witness the ceremony, it has been decided again to
+disembark the German crew, and, beginning to-morrow at 10 <span class="sc">A.M.</span>, the
+impressive spectacle will be gone through at regular intervals of an
+hour throughout the day. All the railway companies have announced cheap
+excursions, and there can be no doubt that these disembarcations will
+easily surpass all earlier ones.</p>
+
+<p>The German crew of the <i>Goeben</i> are agitating for an eight-hour day.</p>
+
+<p>Instructions having reached the crew of the <i>Goeben</i> to return to
+Germany, a magnificent Farewell Disembarcation took place last night. At
+its conclusion sympathisers presented an illuminated address bearing the
+following inscription "To the crew of the <i>Goeben</i> on the occasion of
+their final disembarcation before leaving for the Fatherland."</p>
+
+<p><i>Later.</i>&mdash;Arrival of the crew of the <i>Goeben</i> at Kiel. Great popular
+enthusiasm. <span class="sc">Kaiser</span> orders a Special Disembarcation to take place before
+entire Fleet, a duplicate cruiser (in the regretable absence of the
+<i>Goeben</i>) being lent for the purpose.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE TRUCE.</h2>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Peace</span> reigns in the club-house on the links. The young men have nearly
+all gone, and Morris, our veteran "plus two" member, who generally only
+condescends to go round with the pro. and one or two choice players, is
+eager for a match with anyone. Only you must play for five shillings for
+his wife's branch of the Red Cross Society.</p>
+
+<p>In the smoke-room over our pipes&mdash;cigars are considered wasteful and bad
+form&mdash;the old conversational warriors look at one another. I glance
+across at Sellars, a member of that loathsome, I should say highly
+admirable, institution, the National Liberal Club. It is not six weeks
+since I denounced him as a pestilent traitor because he demanded, for
+some reason, that escapes me, the blockade of a city called Belfast.
+And, if I remember, he alluded to me as a traitorous tamperer with the
+Army. But now I praise the admirable patriotism of <span class="sc">John Redmond</span>; I
+eulogise the financial genius of <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span>; I grow
+fervid as I rhapsodise about <span class="sc">Winston</span>.</p>
+
+<p>Then Sellars interposes, "My dear fellow, why do you forget the splendid
+abnegation of Sir <span class="sc">Edward Carson</span>? As for <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span> he may have done
+well, but hasn't he <span class="sc">Austen</span> at his elbow all the time? Talk about <span class="sc">Winston</span>
+if you like, but, after all, he has only muzzled the German fleet. <span class="sc">F. E.
+Smith</span> has done a far more wonderful thing. He has muzzled the British
+Press."</p>
+
+<p>Peace! It is wonderful. Only at the back of my mind there is one sad
+thought which I strive to put away from me. Suppose a General Election
+comes whilst the war is still on. I, as a patriot, shall have to vote
+for the splendid Government. It will be Sellars' duty and joy to support
+our splendid Opposition. And, if we all act in the same way, we shall
+have those wretched&mdash;what funny slips one's pen makes!&mdash;those adorable
+Radicals back in power for another five years.</p>
+
+<p>But when the war is over and we see a free Europe I promise myself one
+reward. The night when peace is proclaimed I shall seek out Sellars and
+tell him just what I think about <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span>; and I haven't the
+slightest doubt that he will celebrate the occasion by some venomous
+abuse of <span class="sc">Bonar Law</span>.</p>
+
+<p>You see at present we are handicapped; we are just Englishmen.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>Another Impending Apology.</h3>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"The first editor of <span class="sc">Golfing</span> was Mr. Thomas Marlowe, who is now
+editor of the <i>Daily Mail</i>. On the other hand, there have been
+several editors of <span class="sc">Golfing</span> who have since risen to positions of
+distinction."&mdash;<i>Golfing.</i></p></div>
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_195" id="Page_195">[Pg 195]</a></span>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/195.png">
+<img src="images/195.png" width="100%" alt="TO ARMS!" /></a>
+<h3>TO ARMS!</h3>
+<p><span class="sc">Recruiting-sergeant Punch.</span> "NOW, MY LADS, YOUR
+COUNTRY WANTS YOU. WHO'S FOR THE FRONT?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_196" id="Page_196">[Pg 196]</a></span>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_197" id="Page_197">[Pg 197]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/197.png">
+<img src="images/197.png" width="100%" alt="UNDER MARTIAL LAW." /></a>
+<h3>UNDER MARTIAL LAW.</h3>
+<p><span class="sc">"Now mind, Mary, if a sentry asks you who you are, you must immediately
+answer, 'Friend.'"<br />
+"Yes, 'm, but what am I to say if he asks me how baby is?"</span></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE ATTACK ON GERMAN TRADE.</h2>
+
+<p>Those mistaken persons who maintain that "music has no frontiers" have
+been sharply rebuked by the patriotic action of the management of
+certain concerts, who boldly opened the season by expelling all German
+music from their programmes. It is all very well to say that this is
+confounding the Germany that we honour and admire with the Germany of
+the other sort, of which we have had more than enough. The step has been
+taken on the highest patriotic grounds, and although the ban has been
+partially removed since the season began, it is clearly indicated that
+this conciliatory attitude will only last so long as the main German
+fleet continues to skulk behind the defences of Kiel. If there is any
+aggressive movement, then let it be understood that <span class="sc">Tschaikowski's</span>
+<i>Path&egrave;tique</i> Symphony will be worn threadbare by nightly repetition
+sooner than that we should have any truck with <span class="sc">Brahms</span>, <span class="sc">Wagner</span> or <span class="sc">Bach</span>.</p>
+
+<p>Already the occupation of Brussels has caused the scratching (at the
+very last moment) of the <span class="sc">Schumann</span> concerto.</p>
+
+<p>Of course there is more in it than meets the eye. If all German music is
+eliminated there are bound to be prodigious gaps which must be filled up
+somehow. Very well. The result can only be a new state of activity in
+the home composing industry. This is no time for giving away secrets,
+but perhaps we may be allowed to say that the continued attendance last
+week of Sir <span class="sc">Henry Wood</span> at the offices of the Board of Trade can only
+mean that he too is taking his part in a comprehensive and
+well-considered plan for making war on German industries. Now is the
+time for the native producer to get to work. Germany must once and for
+all be ousted from this market. There need be no difficulty in obtaining
+samples, and we look to British industry and enterprise to do the rest.</p>
+
+<p>We are not sure that neutrals should be allowed into this thing. An
+exception might be made in the case of Italy, but, apart from her, we
+should limit the exotic features in our programmes to the works of our
+allies in the field. It might give a needed fillip to the national music
+of Japan.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>How it strikes our Contemporaries.</h3>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"Yesterday's eclipse of the sun was itself eclipsed by the world
+shadow. Shortly after noon a large inky blot obscured nearly
+three-quarters of the sun's surface and a violet haze hung over
+London, but very few people were heeding the phenomenon in the sky.
+The hawkers, even, were too busy selling patriotic favours to offer
+smoked glasses."&mdash;<i>Daily Mail.</i></p></div>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"Londoners did not permit the war to eclipse the eclipse. The
+hawkers' cry, 'Smoked glass a penny,' was heard everywhere, and
+there was a ready sale for the pieces of glass which enabled one to
+view the darkening of the sun." <i>Daily Mirror.</i></p></div>
+
+<p>The allies should come to a better agreement than this.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"Spies Output Down Again," says a contemporary, and we were just going
+to congratulate the authorities when we discovered that it referred to a
+Petroleum Company.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_198" id="Page_198">[Pg 198]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>THE FATAL GIFT.</h2>
+
+<p>People say to me sometimes, "Oh, <i>you</i> know Woolman, don't you?" I
+acknowledge that I do, and, after the silence that always ensues, I add,
+"If you want to say anything against him, please go on." You can almost
+hear the sigh of relief that goes up. "I thought he was a friend of
+yours," they say cheerfully. "But, of course, if&mdash;&mdash;" and then they
+begin.</p>
+
+<p>I think it is time I explained my supposed friendship for Ernest
+Merrowby Woolman&mdash;confound him.</p>
+
+<p>The affair began in a taxicab two years ago. Andrew had been dining with
+me that night; we walked out to the cab-rank together; I told the driver
+where to go, and Andrew stepped in, waved good-bye to me from the
+window, and sat down suddenly upon something hard. He drew it from
+beneath him, and found it was an extremely massive (and quite new)
+silver cigar-case. He put it in his pocket with the intention of giving
+it to the driver when he got out, but quite naturally forgot. Next
+morning he found it on his dressing-table. So he put it in his pocket
+again, meaning to leave it at Scotland Yard on his way to the City.</p>
+
+<p>Next morning it was on his dressing-table again.</p>
+
+<p>This went on for some days. After a week or so Andrew saw that it was
+hopeless to try to get a cigar-case back to Scotland Yard in this casual
+sort of way; it must be taken there deliberately by somebody who had a
+morning to spare and was willing to devote it to this special purpose.
+He placed the case, therefore, prominently on a small table in the
+dining-room to await the occasion; calling also the attention of his
+family to it, as an excuse for an outing when they were not otherwise
+engaged.</p>
+
+<p>At times he used to say, "I must really take that cigar-case to Scotland
+Yard to-morrow."</p>
+
+<p>At other times he would say, "Somebody must really take that cigar-case
+to Scotland Yard to-day."</p>
+
+<p>And so the weeks rolled on ...</p>
+
+<p>It was about a year later that I first got mixed up with the thing. I
+must have dined with the Andrews several times without noticing the
+cigar-case, but on this occasion it caught my eye as we wandered out to
+join the ladies, and I picked it up carelessly. Well, not exactly
+carelessly; it was too heavy for that.</p>
+
+<p>"Why didn't you tell me," I said, "that you had stood for Parliament and
+that your supporters had consoled you with a large piece of plate?
+Hallo, they've put the wrong initials on it. How unbusiness-like."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, <i>that</i>?" said Andrew. "Is it still there?"</p>
+
+<p>"Why not? It's quite a solid little table. But you haven't explained why
+your constituents, who must have seen your name on hundreds of posters,
+thought your initials were E. M. W."</p>
+
+<p>Andrew explained.</p>
+
+<p>"Then it isn't yours at all?" I said in amazement.</p>
+
+<p>"Of course not."</p>
+
+<p>"But, my dear man, this is theft. Stealing by finding, they call it. You
+could get"&mdash;I looked at him almost with admiration&mdash;"you could get two
+years for this;" and I weighed the cigar-case in my hand. "I believe you
+'re the only one of my friends who could be certain of two years," I
+went on musingly. "Let's see, there's&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Nonsense," said Andrew uneasily. "But still, perhaps I'd better take it
+back to Scotland Yard to-morrow."</p>
+
+<p>"And tell them you've kept it for a year? They'd run you in at once. No,
+what you want to do is to get rid of it without their knowledge. But
+how&mdash;that's the question. You can't give it away because of the
+initials."</p>
+
+<p>"It's easy enough. I can leave it in another cab, or drop it in the
+river."</p>
+
+<p>"Andrew, Andrew," I cried, "you're determined to go to prison! Don't you
+know from all the humorous articles you've ever read that, if you <i>try</i>
+to lose anything, then you never can? It's one of the stock remarks one
+makes to women in the endeavour to keep them amused. No, you must think
+of some more subtle way of disposing of it."</p>
+
+<p>"I'll pretend it's yours," said Andrew more subtly, and he placed it in
+my pocket.</p>
+
+<p>"No, you don't," I said. "But I tell you what I will do. I'll take it
+for a week and see if I can get rid of it. If I can't, I shall give it
+you back and wash my hands of the whole business&mdash;except, of course, for
+the monthly letter or whatever it is they allow you at the Scrubbs. You
+may still count on me for that."</p>
+
+<p>And then the extraordinary thing happened. The next morning I received a
+letter from a stranger, asking for some simple information which I could
+have given him on a post-card. And so I should have done&mdash;or possibly, I
+am afraid, have forgotten to answer at all&mdash;but for the way that the
+letter ended up.</p>
+
+<p>
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">"<i>Yours very truly</i>,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 3em;"><i><span class="sc">Ernest M. Woolman.</span></i>"</span><br />
+</p>
+
+<p>The magic initials! It was a chance not to be missed. I wrote
+enthusiastically back and asked him to lunch.</p>
+
+<p>He came. I gave him all the information he wanted, and lots more.
+Whether he was a pleasant sort of person or not I hardly noticed; I was
+so very pleasant myself.</p>
+
+<p>He returned my enthusiasm. He asked me to dine with him the following
+week. A little party at the Savoy&mdash;his birthday, you know.</p>
+
+<p>I accepted gladly. I rolled up at the party with my little present ... a
+massive silver cigar-case ... suitably engraved.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>So there you are. He clings to me. He seems to have formed the absurd
+idea that I am fond of him. A few months after that evening at the Savoy
+he was married. I was invited to the wedding&mdash;confound him. Of course I
+had to live up to my birthday present; the least I could do was an
+enormous silver cigar-box (not engraved), which bound me to him still
+more strongly.</p>
+
+<p>By that time I realised that I hated him. He was pushing, familiar,
+everything that I disliked. All my friends wondered how I had become so
+intimate with him ...</p>
+
+<p>Well, now they know. And the original E. M. W., if he has the sense to
+read this article, knows. If he cares to prosecute Ernest Merrowby
+Woolman for being in possession of stolen goods I shall be glad to give
+him any information. Woolman is generally to be found leaving my rooms
+at about 6.30 in the evening, and a smart detective could easily nab him
+as he stops out.</p>
+
+<p class="author">A. A. M.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>FORTUNE'S FAVOURITE.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Dear maiden of the sunny head</p>
+<p class="i2">And cheeks of coral hue,</p>
+<p class="i0">The lips of rarest ruby red,</p>
+<p class="i2">The eyes of Oxford blue,</p>
+<p class="i0">And other charms I've left unsaid ...</p>
+<p class="i2">Ah, how I envy you!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Heedless of half a world at war</p>
+<p class="i2">You neither strive nor cry;</p>
+<p class="i0">Though danger knocks at England's door</p>
+<p class="i2">There's laughter in your sky:</p>
+<p class="i0">You ask not what she's fighting for,</p>
+<p class="i2">Nor reck the reason why.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">You little guess, you never will,</p>
+<p class="i2">The force that nerves this fist</p>
+<p class="i0">To toil away for you until</p>
+<p class="i2">My mind is like a mist;</p>
+<p class="i0">The lack of money for the mill,</p>
+<p class="i2">The growing dearth of grist.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Ah, since amid a world grown wild,</p>
+<p class="i2">And horrors still half told,</p>
+<p class="i0">Peace has her palace round you piled,</p>
+<p class="i2">By all the gods I hold</p>
+<p class="i0">You are a very lucky child,</p>
+<p class="i2">My little Nine-months-old.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_199" id="Page_199">[Pg 199]</a></span></p><hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/199.png">
+<img src="images/199.png" width="100%" alt="Officer Commanding Squad (about to cross Waterloo
+Bridge)" /></a>
+<p><i>Officer Commanding Squad (about to cross Waterloo
+Bridge).</i> <span class="sc">"'Alt! Break step! Large columns of troops when crossin'
+Bridges is commanded to 'break step' so that the unison of their tread
+may not dangerously threaten the sterbility of the bridge."</span></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>A CANDIDATE FOR THE FORCE.</h2>
+
+<p>"I want to enrol myself as a Special Constable," I said to the man in
+mufti behind the desk.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, don't let me stop you," he remarked. "The Police Station is next
+door. This is a steam laundry."</p>
+
+<p>A minute later I began again:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"I want to enrol myself as a Steam Laund&mdash;that is to say, as a Special
+Constable."</p>
+
+<p>"Certainly, Sir," said the Inspector in charge. "Your name and address?"</p>
+
+<p>I opened my cigarette-case and placed a card on the desk.</p>
+
+<p>"The name of the house is pronounced <i>Song Soocee</i>," I said, "not, as
+spelt, Sans Souci."</p>
+
+<p>The Inspector handed me back the card. It was a cigarette-picture
+representing the proper method of bandaging a displaced knee-cap. I
+rectified the error, and he entered the information in a book.</p>
+
+<p>"I must ask if you are a British subject?" he inquired.</p>
+
+<p>"You might almost describe me as super-British," I replied. "There is a
+tradition in my family that my ancestors were on Hastings Pier when the
+Conqueror arrived."</p>
+
+<p>"Thank you. That will be all."</p>
+
+<p>"You don't want me to give references, one of which must be a clergyman
+or a J.P.? You don't require me to state previous experience, if any, or
+any details of that sort?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, no," he answered. "That'll be all right. You are no doubt familiar
+with squad drill?"</p>
+
+<p>"Splendid! I had no idea it was used in the Force."</p>
+
+<p>"Eight turn&mdash;left turn&mdash;about turn&mdash;form fours&mdash;and so on?"</p>
+
+<p>"I beg your pardon," I said, "but what did you call that?"</p>
+
+<p>"Squad drill, Sir."</p>
+
+<p>"O-o-h! I thought you said 'quadrille.' But I know the turns. Right turn,
+I turn to the right; left turn, I turn to the left; about turn, I turn
+just about, but not quite; form fours, I form&mdash;excuse me, but how does
+<i>one</i> man form fours?"</p>
+
+<p>"There will, of course, be others," replied the Inspector. "You'll soon
+pick it up. And please state at what hours of the day you would be
+prepared to take duty."</p>
+
+<p>"Well," I said, "I've practically nothing to do from the time I get
+up&mdash;half-past ten&mdash;until mid-day. I could also manage to spare
+half-an-hour between afternoon-tea and dinner. And I could just drop in
+here about eleven at night to see if things were going along all right.
+Now, if you'll kindly fetch me a bull's-eye lantern, a life-preserver, a
+bullet-proof tunic, some indiarubber boots, a revolver, and a letter of
+introduction to some of the most skilful cooks in the neighbourhood I
+can put in one crowded hour of joyous life before I'm due on the links."</p>
+
+<p>"Just a moment," said the Inspector. "I don't want to discourage you,
+but kindly cast your eye over these paragraphs;" and he handed me a
+printed circular. "You will see that it will be necessary for you to
+perform four consecutive hours' duty."</p>
+
+<p>"Good heavens," I exclaimed, "I don't think I shall be able to manage
+that. I'm in the middle of an important jig-saw; I'm expecting a new
+motor-car to arrive any minute; and I<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_200" id="Page_200">[Pg 200]</a></span> have a slight head-cold. However,
+if my country calls me, I will see what can be arranged."</p>
+
+<p>I noticed the Inspector's look of admiration at my bull-dog resolution,
+so to hide my blushes I perused the circular.</p>
+
+<p>"I see," I said, "that we are each supplied with 'one armlet.' What's an
+armlet?".</p>
+
+<p>"A badge that goes round your arm."</p>
+
+<p>"Of course! How stupid of me! Just like a bracelet goes round one's&mdash;no,
+that won't do. Just like a gimlet goes&mdash;no, that doesn't either. I can't
+think of a simile, but I quite understand. Then we have 'one whistle.'
+What's that for? To whistle on if I feel lonely?"</p>
+
+<p>"To summon assistance if you should require it."</p>
+
+<p>"I have an idea that my whistle will be overworked. Shall I be able to
+get a new one when the original's worn out?"</p>
+
+<p>The Inspector thought there would be no difficulty in my getting
+rewhistled.</p>
+
+<p>"'One truncheon,'" I continued. "That, of course, is to trunch with. One
+truncheon, though, seems rather niggardly. I should prefer two, one in
+each hand. 'One note-book'&mdash;is that for autographs and original
+contributions from my brother Specials?"</p>
+
+<p>"For noting names and addresses and details of cases," explained the
+Inspector. "For instance, if, when on duty, you saw Jack Johnson
+committing a breach of the peace you would&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Blow my whistle hard&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Certainly not. You would take his name and address and note it down."</p>
+
+<p>"And if he refused it I could then whistle for help?"</p>
+
+<p>"No, you would at once arrest him."</p>
+
+<p>"What's the earliest possible moment at which it would be etiquette to
+blow my whistle?"</p>
+
+<p>"When he offered resistance. Then you could whistle."</p>
+
+<p>"No, I couldn't," I said, "not unless my equipment included one pair of
+bellows. Do you mean to tell me that I should be expected to arrest a
+man of infinitely superior physique to my own with no other weapons than
+one armlet, one whistle, one truncheon and one note-book? Surely I should
+be allowed to run for the Mayor and get him to read the Riot Act? If
+not, I can only say a policeman's lot is&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Not a happy one?" put in the Inspector.</p>
+
+<p>"I was going to say a policeman's lot is a lot too much. Would you
+kindly cross my name off your list?"</p>
+
+<p>"I crossed it off some minutes ago," replied the Inspector.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE WATCH DOGS.</h2>
+
+<h3>II.</h3>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Dear Charles</span>,&mdash;Another letter from the back of the front for you. You
+will be glad to hear that your Terrier is settling down in his temporary
+kennel and sharpening his teeth in due course. The time will come when
+you may look your gift dog in the mouth and be not disappointed, we
+hope, by the view.</p>
+
+<p>We received orders a day or two ago to take up our beds and walk; that
+is, a couple of officers and a hundred odd of the men were told off to
+execute a flank movement on a neighbouring township where there is a
+range, and do our damnedest with the poor old targets. So we put our
+oddments in our pillow-case, rolled up our bedrooms into a convenient
+bundle and trekked. We were assured that we should be back at our base
+within the week, but we have learnt to take no chances. We have but one
+form of movement, the <i>tout ensemble</i>.</p>
+
+<p>It is quite refreshing to step, over a hundred strong, into a village
+with no pre-arranged scheme of board and lodging. Like every other
+wanderer in a strange part, we turn first to the policeman. We march
+towards him at attention; we call a halt at the base of his feet, and
+then, with the courtesy of the gentleman and the brevity of the soldier,
+we inform him that we have arrived. The next development is up to him.</p>
+
+<p>It is not to him, however, that we owe our temporary rest. It is to that
+irrepressible and indefatigable unit, the Boy Scout. Charles, I believe
+we'd all be lying out in the rain at this moment but for that
+assistance. The equipment of the Boy Scout on billeting duty consists of
+a piece of white chalk and a menacing demeanour. Thus armed, he knocks
+at every likely door, wishes the householder a good morning and
+registers on the door-frame the number of men that may be left till
+called for within, even while the policeman is still endeavouring to
+explain the international situation and the military exigencies to the
+slow-thinking rustic. Many formidable obstacles lie in our path, we
+know, but we are comforted by the thought that the Boy Scout isn't one
+of them. If, in the next generation, Britain continues to exist as a
+nation and not as a dep&ocirc;t for the training of waiters in the Berlin
+restaurants, then indeed we shall have something to rely on in these
+adaptable young fellows.</p>
+
+<p>The host upon whom we officers were thrust was quite polite as long as
+our Boy Scout stood by, but, left to himself, turned out crusty. He was
+rather too old to turn into the perfect hotel proprietor all in a
+minute, and, as he put it, "he couldn't see his way" to do this and that
+for us. He was prepared to do all he had to do, but no more.
+Unfortunately we were not as well up in the regulations as our youthful
+and now departed protector. So we went out and did a bit of billeting on
+our own. It is an odd experience, this knocking at somebody's door and,
+upon being asked what one has come for, answering, "To stay." For
+ourselves we thought that the Rector would be a good man to experiment
+on. These parsons are used to being victimised and are known not to be
+too harsh upon the delinquent. So off we went to the Rectory,
+significantly handling our hilts and twirling our military stubbles. But
+the essence of war is surprise, and it was the Rector's wife who
+confronted our attack.</p>
+
+<p>I said, upon enquiry, that I couldn't say what we wanted but placed
+myself unreservedly in my colleague's hands. I then took a pace to the
+rear and prepared to retire in good order. Robertson's whole efforts
+were concentrated on refraining from taking off his cap, as behoves a
+gentleman, but not an officer, and the Rector's wife remained amiable
+but on the defensive. Charles, our position was a hopeless one and our
+careers had concluded then and there but for the arrival of the ally.
+Boy Scouts are as tactful as they are forgiving; he accepted our
+explanation and apology to himself and he explained for us and
+apologised to the Rector's wife. It was little he had to say, for never
+was a less reluctant and more efficient billettee. This kind lady has
+not only made our sojourn one long series of simple luxuries, she has
+been through the whole of our kit and washed and repaired the lot. Think
+what you may about the Church when you are a civilian in affluence, but
+when you are a soldier in distress turn to it first for succour.</p>
+
+<p>Lastly, a minor incident of a regretable nature. Halting on the march
+yesterday for our transport to catch up (our transport is known as
+Lieutenant Pearson's Circus) I discovered one of our dusty thirsty
+warriors having made his illegal entrance into a public-house by an
+emergency door. There he stood with a glisten in his eyes and his hand
+just about to grasp the pewter pot! Out he went under sentence of death
+by slow torture, and there was I left, with a thirst such as I have
+never before believed to be possible, alone with a pewter pot, with the
+foam just brimming over the top ... alone, unseen, undiscoverable ...</p>
+
+<p>
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Your fallen Friend,</span><br /><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;"><span class="sc">Henry</span>.</span><br />
+</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_201" id="Page_201">[Pg 201]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/201.png">
+<img src="images/201.png" width="100%" alt="THE LANGUAGE OF THE HOUR." /></a>
+<h3>THE LANGUAGE OF THE HOUR.</h3>
+<p><i>Irate Lady (firing Parthian shot after marital misunderstanding).</i>
+"Yer&mdash;yer bloomin' Oolan!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>LITERARY GOSSIP.</h2>
+
+<p>The Autumn publishing season will undoubtedly be affected by the war,
+several firms having decided to withhold most of their forthcoming
+books. Messrs. Odder and Thynne, however, being convinced that the
+reading public cannot subsist entirely on newspapers, have with great
+public spirit resolved to publish their full programme, which is
+unusually full of works of interest.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The foremost place in their list is allotted to Principal Toshley
+Potts's volume of essays, which bear the attractive title of <i>The Hill
+of Havering</i>. Principal Potts was recently hailed by Sir <span class="sc">Nicholson
+Roberts</span> as "the Scots A. C. Benson," and this felicitous analogy will,
+we feel sure, be triumphantly vindicated by the contents of this
+epoch-making work, which by the way is dedicated to Dr. Emery Cawker, of
+the University of Brashville, Ga.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Another work of outstanding significance is a volume of poems, entitled
+<i>Kailyard Carols</i>, from the accomplished pen of Mr. Alan Bodgers, whom
+Mr. <span class="sc">David Lyall</span>, in a three-column article in the <i>Penman</i>, recently
+declared to be the finest lyric poet since <span class="sc">Shelley</span>, and Mr. <span class="sc">Lyall</span> seldom
+makes a mistake. Mr. Bodgers, it may be added, is the sub-editor of the
+<i>Kilspindie Courant</i>, and has a handicap of twenty-two at the local golf
+club.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Very welcome also is the announcement that Professor Hector McGollop has
+undertaken to edit a series of Manuals of Moral Uplift, to which he will
+contribute the opening volume on <i>The Art of Unction</i>. Other
+contributors to the series are Dr. Talisker Dinwiddie, Principal Marcus
+Tonks and the Rev. Bandley Chadd.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>In the department of fiction the most remarkable of the novelties
+promised by Messrs. Odder and Thynne is <i>The Nut's Progress</i>, by Mr.
+<span class="sc">Ewan Straw</span>. It will be remembered that in a four-column review of Mr.
+<span class="sc">Straw's</span> last book, <i>Nothing Doing</i>, which appeared in the Xmas number of
+the <i>Book Booster</i>, Sir <span class="sc">Clement Shorthouse</span> declared that this talented
+fictionist combined the lilt of <span class="sc">Frank Smedley</span> (the author of <i>Frank
+Fairleigh</i>) with the whimsicality of <span class="sc">Barrie</span> and the austere morality of
+<span class="sc">Annie Swan</span>. Otherwise we may be sure the firm of Odder and Thynne would
+never have published a work with so risky a title.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>Perhaps.</h3>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Of wolves that wear sheep's clothing</p>
+<p class="i2">The world has long been full,</p>
+<p class="i0">But I've a special loathing</p>
+<p class="i2">For one in Berlin wool.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Although the wool may cover</p>
+<p class="i2">Not more than half the beast,</p>
+<p class="i0">Perhaps when all is over</p>
+<p class="i2">He'll be entirely fleeced.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<p class="author">W. W.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<center>"<span class="sc">Magnificent Bequest to the Louvre.</span><br /><br />
+Sunspot Visible to the Naked Eye."</center>
+<p class="author"><i>Times.</i></p>
+<center>France seems to have acquired Germany's spot in the sun.</center><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_202" id="Page_202">[Pg 202]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/202.png">
+<img src="images/202.png" width="100%" alt="Mother, shall we
+have to kill Fr&auml;ulein?" /></a><br /><br />
+<p><i>Ethel (in apprehensive whisper which easily reaches her
+German governess, to whom she is deeply attached).</i> "<span class="sc">Mother, shall we
+have to kill Fr&auml;ulein?"</span></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>REASONING IN THE RANKS.</h2>
+
+<p>[<i>Several journals have pointed out that the type of recruit now
+offering himself is in a high degree capable of reasoning and
+initiative.</i>]</p>
+
+<p>"Now I want any of you who are puzzled about anything to ask questions
+about it," said the instructing sergeant-major ... and anon:</p>
+
+<p>"Right about, Number 3 of the front rank! There is no such thing as left
+about turn. Squad, form&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Excuse me," interrupted Number 3, "but why do you say that there is no
+such thing as left about turn?"</p>
+
+<p>"Because there isn't," said the sergeant-major unsympathetically.</p>
+
+<p>"But, my good man," urged Number 3, "there must be. I've just done it.
+Why, look here!"</p>
+
+<p>He did it again.</p>
+
+<p>"Such a movement is not in the drill-book," said the sergeant-major
+curtly.</p>
+
+<p>"But," protested Number 3, "you told us yourself only yesterday that
+very few of the total possible commands <i>are</i> in the drill-book. For
+instance, there is no provision for lining a railway embankment, often,
+I understand, a salutary and even vital evolution."</p>
+
+<p>The sergeant-major considered.</p>
+
+<p>"There's no use," he said at last weightily, "'avin' <i>two</i> ways of doin'
+anything when one will do. It is generally considered that right about
+turn is enough ways of turning about for any one man."</p>
+
+<p>"By all means," admitted the recruit generously, "let us be frugal.
+Frugality is the mainspring of efficiency. One way of turning about is
+ample for me. But why right rather than left?"</p>
+
+<p>"Because right's right, and that's all there is to it," said the
+sergeant-major, who was tiring of the argument.</p>
+
+<p>"Exactly," admitted Number 3, "and left's left, and <i>that</i> leaves us
+just where we started. Now if the War Office had tossed up and made a
+general decision in favour of right I could understand the position. But
+my impression is that this is not so. Thus, if I were to step off with
+the right foot&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Shut your face," said the sergeant-major, "and do what you're told.
+Squad! A-bout&mdash;&mdash; Turn!"</p>
+
+<p>"Reasoning," observed Number 3, "is lost upon yonder survival of the old
+school of stereotyped militarism. The hour for initiative has arrived."</p>
+
+<p>And by way of protest he executed a neat left about turn.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>GUNS OF VERDUN</h2>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Guns of Verdun point to Metz</p>
+<p class="i0">From the plated parapets;</p>
+<p class="i0">Guns of Metz grin back again</p>
+<p class="i0">O'er the fields of fair Lorraine.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Guns of Metz are long and grey</p>
+<p class="i0">Growling through a summer day;</p>
+<p class="i0">Guns of Verdun, grey and long,</p>
+<p class="i0">Boom an echo of their song.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Guns of Metz to Verdun roar,</p>
+<p class="i0">"Sisters, you shall foot the score;"</p>
+<p class="i0">Guns of Verdun say to Metz,</p>
+<p class="i0">"Fear not, for we pay our debts."</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Guns of Metz they grumble, "When?"</p>
+<p class="i0">Guns of Verdun answer then,</p>
+<p class="i0">"Sisters, when to guard Lorraine</p>
+<p class="i0">Gunners lay you East again!"</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_203" id="Page_203">[Pg 203]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/203.png">
+<img src="images/203.png" width="100%" alt="AT THE POST OF HONOUR" /></a>
+<h3>AT THE POST OF HONOUR.</h3>
+<p><span class="sc">Liberty</span> (<i>to Belgium</i>)&mdash;"TAKE COMFORT. YOUR COURAGE IS VINDICATED; YOUR
+WRONGS SHALL BE AVENGED."</p>
+</div>
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_204" id="Page_204">[Pg 204]</a></span>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_205" id="Page_205">[Pg 205]</a></span>
+
+<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+<center>(<span class="sc">Extracted from the Diary of Toby, M.P.</span>)</center>
+
+<p><i>House of Lords, Tuesday, Aug. 25.</i>&mdash;After fortnight's recess Parliament
+meets again. Scene mightily changed. At time of adjournment country on
+brink of war. Now in thick of it.</p>
+
+<p>Contrary to custom interest centred in Chamber at this end of corridor.
+Man of the moment is the tall strongly-framed figure that enters on
+stroke of appointed hour and marches with soldierly step to Ministerial Bench.
+This is <span class="sc">Kitchener</span>, Secretary of
+State for War, primed with message from the Army which, making its first
+stand at Mons, had a baptism of fire that lasted thirty-six hours.</p>
+
+<p>With characteristic modesty the new Minister seated himself at lower end
+of Bench. <span class="sc">Crewe</span> presently arriving signalled him to come up higher.
+Accordingly seated himself next to <span class="sc">Leader of House</span>. Thence rose at
+half-past four to make his maiden speech, a deliverance effected under
+rarely momentous circumstances. Brought with him one of those "scraps of
+paper" which the <span class="sc">Kaiser</span> scorns when they contain such trifling matter as
+a solemn treaty with a neighbouring nation. On this <span class="sc">Kitchener</span>, more at
+home on the battlefield than in a place where a man's business is to
+talk, had written his speech.</p>
+
+<p>It was brief, manly, simple. Made haste to point out that, though
+associated with the Cabinet, holding high office in the Government, his
+appearance on the Ministerial Bench did not imply that he belonged to
+any political party.</p>
+
+<p>"As a soldier," he said, "I have no politics."</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 30%">
+<a href="images/205.png">
+<img src="images/205.png" width="100%" alt="Another Scrap of Paper." /></a>
+<span class="sc">"Another Scrap of Paper."<br />
+K. of K.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>House startled to hear him add that his occupation of the post of
+Secretary of State for War is temporary. Terms of his service are those
+of the recruits for the new Army. He is engaged to serve during the war.
+If it lasts longer than three years, then for three years only.</p>
+
+<p>Faced by grim suggestion that the war just opening may last for three
+years, a deeper gravity fell over listening House. <span class="sc">Kitchener</span>
+pre-eminently a man who knows what he is talking about. And here he was
+in level tones, unruffled manner, taking into account the contingency of
+the war lasting three years.</p>
+
+<p>That this was no idle conjecture, rather a well-thought-out possibility
+intelligently provided for, appeared when he went on to describe how the
+contingency must be faced. The enemy had already brought his full
+resources into the field. It was a maximum which, after a succession of
+days like last Sunday, must necessarily diminish. On the other hand,
+whilst we have put a comparatively small force afoot, there is behind
+it, at home and in the Colonies, a vast reserve which, diligently
+trained and organised, will steadily reinforce the fighting line. In the
+course of six or seven months there will be a total of thirty divisions,
+continually kept up to full fighting strength.</p>
+
+<p>Nor was that all.</p>
+
+<p>"If," said the soldier-Minister, "the war be protracted, and if its
+fortune be varied or adverse, exertions and sacrifices beyond any
+already demanded will be required from the whole nation and Empire."</p>
+
+<p>Ominous words increasing prevalent gloom. At least satisfactory to know
+that in his official communications <span class="sc">Kitchener</span> will always cheer us by
+presenting to closest view the worst that has actually happened or is
+possibly in store.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;<span class="sc">Kitchener</span> makes his maiden speech.</p>
+
+<p><i>House of Commons, Wednesday.</i>&mdash;No one looking in on House this
+afternoon would imagine that the country is engaged in an armed fight,
+issues of which will in one direction or another transform the aspect of
+Europe. Atmosphere unruffled. "Business as usual" the order of the day.</p>
+
+<p>Pretty full attendance considering House has with brief intervals been
+in session since February and meets again at what in normal times would
+be period of full recess. <span class="sc">Premier</span> on Treasury Bench at opening of
+sitting. Having answered a few questions, withdrew to his private room
+and was no more seen.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Lloyd George</span>, left in charge, moved through various stages series of
+emergency measures.</p>
+
+<p>On Currency and Bank Note Bill question of design of new twenty-shilling
+and ten-shilling notes came up. Some disrespectful things said of it.
+<span class="sc">Chancellor of Exchequer</span> admitted its imperfection but pleaded that in
+the hurried circumstances of the day it was the best that could be done.
+Exception especially taken on score that the design made forgery easy.
+Here the <span class="sc">Chancellor</span> differed.</p>
+
+<p>"I have been told by an expert in these matters," he said, with the
+pleased air of one recalling the dictum of a respected friend, "that the
+plainer the design on a note the more difficult it is to forge it."</p>
+
+<p>All the same the notes are to be called in and replaced.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Second reading of Bill giving Government blank cheque
+for meeting expenses of war carried without debate or division.</p>
+
+<p><i>Thursday.</i>&mdash;<span class="sc">Premier's</span> surpassing gift of speech, equally concise and
+eloquent, never more brilliantly displayed than this afternoon. Proposed
+Resolution conveying expression of sympathy and admiration for heroic
+resistance offered by the Belgian Army and people to wanton invasion of
+their territory. In speech that occupied less than ten minutes in
+delivery the <span class="sc">Premier</span>, himself moved to loftiest pitch of righteous
+indignation, touched deepest feelings of a crowded House.</p>
+
+<p>Referring to Great Britain's intervention in "a quarrel in which it had
+no direct concern," he pointed out that the country threw away the
+scabbard only when confronted by necessity of choice between keeping and
+breaking solemn obligations, between the discharge of a binding trust
+and a shameless subservience.</p>
+
+<p>A deep-throated cheer approved his emphatic declaration, "We do not
+repent our decision."</p>
+
+<p>Cheers rang forth again when in another fine passage he said, "The
+Belgians have won for themselves the immortal glory which belongs to a
+people who prefer freedom to ease, to security, even to life itself. We
+are proud of their alliance and their friendship. We salute them with
+respect and honour. We are with them heart and soul."</p>
+
+<p>Difficult to follow outburst of genuine eloquence like this, delivered
+with thrilling force. <span class="sc">Bonar Law</span> in equally brief speech voiced hearty
+acquiescence<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_206" id="Page_206">[Pg 206]</a></span> of Opposition in Resolution. <span class="sc">John Redmond</span>, associating
+Ireland whole-heartedly with it, made practical suggestion, that,
+instead of lending Belgium ten millions as proposed, we should hand the
+money over to her as a free gift, an instalment of a just debt.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;More Emergency Bills advanced by stages. Ominous hint
+of fresh taxation dropped by <span class="sc">Chancellor</span>.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>BLANCHE'S LETTERS</h2>
+
+<center><span class="sc">The War Spirit</span></center>
+
+<p><span style="margin-left: 2em;"><i>Park Lane.</i></span><br />
+</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Dearest Daphne</span>,&mdash;There was a big party of us at the Clackmannans' Scotch
+place, Blairbinkie, when all these fearful things began to happen&mdash;and
+now where are we all? The Flummery boys and ever so many more of the
+party are at the front with their regiments. The Duke of Clackmannan is
+at the head of the Clackmannan Yeomanry. Norty's gone off to help take
+care of the East coast, and it's lucky to have <i>him</i> helping to protect
+it and keep watch, for if there's <i>anybody</i> who could see things coming
+sooner than anybody else it's Norty!</p>
+
+<p>Stella, Beryl, Babs and your Blanche are all back in Town, and when
+we're not taking lessons in nursing we're sewing at flannel. I make
+Yvonne do my hair quite, <i>quite</i> plainly, and I'm giving my jewels to my
+country. I've already given my dear collar of pearls. I gave that first
+because I love it best of all my jewels, because it can <i>never</i> be
+replaced, and because pearls suit me better than <i>any</i> other stone.</p>
+
+<p>All our first fingers are covered with pricks and look immensely horrid,
+but we glory in it and won't even put any cold cream on them! As I said
+yesterday afternoon, when we were all sewing away at flannel, if <i>any</i>
+woman, I don't care <i>who</i>, offered me her hand and I saw that the first
+finger was <i>smooth</i> I'd refuse to take it! Beryl must needs weigh in
+with, "But, my dear Blanche, she wouldn't offer you her <i>left</i> hand!
+It's the <i>left</i> forefinger that gets punished in needlework." "The
+principle is the same," I answered coldly. "And besides, some people are
+left-handed." Beryl has decent qualities, I know, and one doesn't want
+to find fault with anyone just now, but she was always like that&mdash;and
+her <i>hemming</i>, dearest!</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 30%">
+<a href="images/206a.png">
+<img src="images/206a.png" width="100%" alt="We are not satisfied with Our moustache" /></a>
+<p><span class="sc">German Kaiser</span>. "We are not satisfied with Our moustache; it seems to
+need support on the Eastern side."</p>
+</div>
+
+<p>Babs is wild to go to the front, but I say she'd be only a nuisance
+until she knows more about nursing. Someone told me the other day, <i>&agrave;
+propos</i> of untrained women going to the front and hindering instead of
+helping, that during the last war a poor dear in one of the hospitals
+had his hair parted <i>fifty</i> times in an hour by <i>fifty</i> different
+people, and nearly got brain-fever.</p>
+
+<p>There was a man in the party at Blairbinkie who, before we were at war,
+talked <i>fervidly</i> of what he should do for his country if trouble came.
+I had not liked Hector Swankington the least little bit before that, but
+when he said that, in the event of war, he would raise a troop at his
+own expense, call it "Swankington's Horse" and lead it himself "wherever
+the fighting was hottest," I thought I'd not done him justice. So I
+listened to him and approved and encouraged the plan. And then the storm
+burst and we all scattered. The other morning I met him in the Park when
+I was taking my early walk. He asked if I would dine with him some
+evening at the "Iridescent," and I said it was not a time for dining at
+restaurants. "No," he agreed, "it certainly isn't now all the French
+cooks are gone; and what an idiotic idea this is about reducing the
+number of courses at dinner! Silly rot, I call it!"</p>
+
+<p>I ignored this and asked, "What about 'Swankington's Horse'?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh! that's all off," he said huffily. "I wrote to the authorities about
+raising the troop, asked what State recognition I should get, and
+enclosed a drawing of the hat I meant to wear as leader&mdash;a ripping
+scheme, turned up at one side and with a bunch of feathers. All the
+answer I got was a few brief words of acknowledgment and a request to
+set about it at once and report myself somewhere or other. Not a word of
+the State recognition I was to receive, and the drawing of the hat
+returned with 'Not approved' scrawled across it. So I've chucked the
+whole business. And now don't let us talk of <i>that</i> any more!"</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/206b.png">
+<img src="images/206b.png" width="100%" alt="FOR NEUTRAL CONSUMPTION." /></a>
+<h3>FOR NEUTRAL CONSUMPTION.</h3>
+</div>
+
+<p>I gave him my freezing look (you've never seen my freezing look,
+dearest&mdash;it's <i>terrible</i>!) and I said with a little calm deadly manner
+that I very, <i>very</i> seldom use, "I've no wish to talk to you of
+<i>that</i>&mdash;or of anything else&mdash;ever again." And I left him.</p>
+
+<p>The party at Blairbinkie that scattered almost as soon as it assembled
+was by way of being a farewell to the old place, for the Clackmannans
+had virtually sold it to a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_207" id="Page_207">[Pg 207]</a></span> Mr. Spragg, of Pittsburg. He was going to
+have the old castle taken across in bits and set up again in
+Pennsylvania; and he was taking all the family portraits, the mausoleum,
+the old trees in the park and the stags at a valuation, as well as the
+village itself with all its cottages and people, in order that the
+castle might have its proper <i>setting</i> out there. There were two more
+things he wanted included in the bargain&mdash;a village idiot and a family
+ghost ("hereditary spectre," he called it).</p>
+
+<p>Ah, my dear! all this belongs to the happy old days of a hundred years
+ago, when we were all three or four weeks younger. The man from
+Pittsburg, so far from being able to buy Blairbinkie, hardly knows where
+to look for his next meal, and as for shipping castles and trees and
+mausoleums and village idiots and family ghosts across the Atlantic he
+only wishes he could get <i>himself</i> across, even if he had to work his
+passage!</p>
+
+<p>Josiah is at the uttermost ends of the earth. He went in June, about
+rubber-mines or oil-concessions, I'm not sure which. I had a cable from
+him the other day from a place that began with "Boo" and ended with
+"atty"&mdash;I forget what came between. He told me not to be anxious, that
+he'd get back when and how he could. My answer was, "Not anxious.
+Wherever you are you'd better stay there, or you may get taken prisoner
+by those creatures, and then I'd never forgive you!"</p>
+
+<p>Talking of prisoners reminds me of a rumour about the
+Bullyon-Boundermeres. They were cruising somewhere in their new big
+steam-yacht when war broke out, and now there's a report that the enemy
+have taken the yacht and turned it into a cruiser; that the
+Bullyon-Boundermere people are prisoners on board, and that they're
+making <i>her</i> wash dishes and forcing <i>him</i> to work as a stoker or a
+bulkhead or some fearful thing of that kind! This is not <i>official</i>, my
+dear, but I give it you for what it's worth.</p>
+
+<p>I called a little meeting here yesterday about a scheme of mine. Beryl
+and Babs and your Blanche and several more of us are really <i>crack</i>
+shots, and I want to form us into a band of rifle-women and ask the
+Powers that be to let us guard some important place&mdash;a bridge or a bank
+or a powder magazine. We should wear a distinctive uniform, and we
+wouldn't let anyone come <i>near</i>! Babs said she hoped the uniform would
+be smart and becoming, but I soon shut her up. "This is not a time to
+think of cut or colour," I told her. "Myself, I shouldn't care <i>how</i> my
+uniform was cut&mdash;even if the <i>shoulder</i> seams were at the <i>elbows</i>. And
+as for colour I'd wear <i>grass-green</i>, though it's a colour in which I
+look a mere <i>fiend</i>, if it would help my country!" And Beryl and Babs
+cried and kissed me.</p>
+
+<p>
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Ever thine,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;"><span class="sc">Blanche</span>.</span><br />
+</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/207.png">
+<img src="images/207.png" width="100%" alt="I&#39;ve started ten committees in connection with the war" title="" /></a><br /><br />
+<p><i>The Lady of the House,</i> "<span class="sc">Just the person I wanted to
+see. I've started ten committees in connection with the war and I want
+your help.</span>"</p><br />
+<p><i>Visitor</i>. "<span class="sc">My <i>dear</i>! I've just started twelve and I simply <i>counted</i>
+on you!</span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"The Suez Canal has brought St. Helena much closer than in
+Napoleonic days."</p>
+</div>
+<p class="author"><i>T.P.'s Weekly.</i></p>
+
+<p>In the same way the opening of the Panama Canal has made Heligoland much
+more adjacent than in Lord <span class="sc">Salisbury's</span> days.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_208" id="Page_208">[Pg 208]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>ODE TO JOHN BRADBURY.</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>The new notes for &pound;1 and 10s. are signed by <span class="sc">John Bradbury</span></i>.)</center>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">When the Red <span class="sc">Kaiser</span>, swoll'n with impious pride</p>
+<p class="i2">And stuffed with texts to serve his instant need,</p>
+<p class="i0">Took Shame for partner and Disgrace for guide,</p>
+<p class="i2">Earned to the full the hateful traitor's meed,</p>
+<p class="i8">And bade his hordes advance</p>
+<p class="i0">Through Belgium's cities towards the fields of France;</p>
+<p class="i0">And when at last our patient island race,</p>
+<p class="i8">By the attempted wrong</p>
+<p class="i8">Made fierce and strong,</p>
+<p class="i0">Flung back the challenge in the braggart's face,</p>
+<p class="i0">Oh then, while martial music filled the air,</p>
+<p class="i2">Clarion and fife and bagpipe and the drum,</p>
+<p class="i0">Calling to men to muster, march, and dare,</p>
+<p class="i2">Oh, then thy day, <span class="sc">John Bradbury</span>, was come.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0"><span class="sc">John Bradbury</span>, the Muse shall fill my strain</p>
+<p class="i2">To sing thy praises; thou hadst spent thy time</p>
+<p class="i0">Not idly, nor hadst lived thy life in vain,</p>
+<p class="i2">Unfitted for the guerdon of my rhyme.</p>
+<p class="i0">For lo, the Funds went sudden crashing down,</p>
+<p class="i2">And men grew pale with monetary fear,</p>
+<p class="i8">And in the toppling mart</p>
+<p class="i8">The stoutest heart</p>
+<p class="i0">Melted, and fortunes seemed to disappear;</p>
+<p class="i0">And some, forgetting their austere renown,</p>
+<p class="i8">Went mad and sold</p>
+<p class="i0">Whate'er they could and wildly called for Gold!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"Since through no fault of ours the die was cast</p>
+<p class="i8">We shall go forth and fight</p>
+<p class="i8">In death's despite</p>
+<p class="i0">And shall return victorious at the last;</p>
+<p class="i8">But how, ah how," they said,</p>
+<p class="i8">"Shall we and ours be fed</p>
+<p class="i0">And clothed and housed from dreary day to day,</p>
+<p class="i0">If, while our hearths grow cold, we have no coin to pay?"</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Then thou, where no gold was and little store</p>
+<p class="i2">Of silver, didst appear and wave thy pen,</p>
+<p class="i8">And with thy signature</p>
+<p class="i8">Make things secure,</p>
+<p class="i0">Bidding us all pluck up our hearts once more</p>
+<p class="i2">And face our foolish fancied fears like men.</p>
+<p class="i0">"I give you notes," you said, "of different kinds</p>
+<p class="i8">To ease your anxious minds:</p>
+<p class="i0">The one is black and shall be fairly found</p>
+<p class="i0">Equal in value to a golden pound;</p>
+<p class="i0">The other&mdash;mark its healthy scarlet print&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i0">Is worth a full half-sovereign from the Mint."</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Thus didst thou speak&mdash;at least I think thou didst&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i8">And, lo, the murmurs fell</p>
+<p class="i8">And all things went right well,</p>
+<p class="i0">While thy notes fluttered in our happy midst.</p>
+<p class="i0">Therefore our grateful hearts go forth to thee,</p>
+<p class="i0">Our British note-provider, brave <span class="sc">John Bradbury</span>!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<p class="author">R. C. L.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"<span class="sc">Belgium</span>.&mdash;Can any member let me know as to what kind of weather to
+expect in Belgium towards the end of October, and as to the
+condition of the roads? I and my wife propose going a tandem tour at
+that time in the Ardennes, Luxembourg, etc. Are most of the hotels
+shut for the season at that time? Would the north of France be
+preferable?&mdash;G. J."&mdash;<i>C. T. C. Gazette.</i></p></div>
+
+<p>This gentleman is evidently particular. We are half afraid he will not
+get quite what he wants.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE COLUMN OF ADVENTURE.</h2>
+
+<p>Even <i>The Times</i>' "agony column," my staple reading during
+toast-and-marmalade, suffers from the all-pervading war. Old friends
+have dropped out of the column on its war march. No longer does the
+Young Gentleman yearning for the idyllic life call on the charitable to
+provide him with a year of perfect ease, comfort and luxury. I had hoped
+to meet him some day, to draw out his confidences, perchance to edit his
+memoirs. "My Check is My Fortune" would be a catchy title. But
+apparently the War has put him out of business. The idyllic life has
+gone. Another victim.</p>
+
+<p>His place is being filled by the Sportsman, eager to be up and
+shooting&mdash;partridges. "Either singly or with a house party," he offers.
+He asks only for board, lodging and ammunition. These provided, he is
+willing to go for the enemy all September and October.</p>
+
+<p>Another Sportsman, humbler in aspiration, is prepared to specialise on
+rabbits. He is ready to continue the fight until "Peace terms dictated
+in Berlin by Allies."</p>
+
+<p>There has also arisen the Professional Rescuer. He offers to go
+abroad&mdash;for a cash consideration&mdash;and smuggle back stranded relatives.
+He does not give particulars of personal appearance, but one may imagine
+him as essentially Williamlequeuish&mdash;small dark moustache, super-shrewd
+eyes, Homburg hat, a revolver in every pocket, speaking six languages
+more fluently than the natives, and on terms of intimacy with half the
+diplomats of Europe. He would open his conversation with a casual: "The
+last time I was chatting with the <span class="sc">Kaiser</span> (I shall, of course, cut him in
+future)...."</p>
+
+<p>Another occupation has been called into being by the War. It is that of
+Berth-Snatcher. He is apparently a City man who has realised all his
+securities and invested them in berths and staterooms on Atlantic
+Liners. These he now offers "at a small bonus"&mdash;exact amount unstated.</p>
+
+<p>Also interesting is the occupation of Amateur Adviser. He has much
+well-intentioned advice to offer to all and sundry: "To the War Office.
+It is hoped that something is being done regarding," etc. Or: "Japan,
+our Ally, could easily lend us half a million men."</p>
+
+<p>Presumably the Amateur Adviser has been denied place in the
+correspondence columns.</p>
+
+<p>The Young Hungarian Nobleman, whose remittances have been stopped by the
+war, is reminiscent of the original yearner for the idyllic life. "Is
+supposed to be of good appearance," he states with obtrusive modesty.</p>
+
+<p>But the romantic halo around these young aristocrats is rather tarnished
+by the Young French Vicomte. When he advertises that he "would
+thankfully accept some clothes from English or American gentlemen," one
+suspects a snug little second-hand business somewhere in savoury Soho.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<center>From a letter in <i>The Bristol Evening Times</i>:-</center>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"Only last evening I was passing through one of our main
+thoroughfares, and saw seven or eight Territorials taking
+refreshment in a the backbone. I ask in fairness, Is this the
+backbone. I ask in fairness, is this patriotic?"</p></div>
+
+<p>In fairness we reply, It is neither.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"The old Latinist has it, 'Deos vult pedere prius dementas.'"</p>
+</div>
+<p class="author"><i>Manx Chronicle.</i></p>
+<p>How one's Latin slips from one with advancing age! But he must have been
+very old.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"The Scheldt can easily be damned."&mdash;<i>Daily Chronicle.</i></p></div>
+
+<p>So can the <span class="sc">Kaiser</span>, but it isn't enough to say so.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_209" id="Page_209">[Pg 209]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/209.png">
+<img src="images/209.png" width="100%" alt="Ex-Teuton (to landlady)." /></a>
+<p><i>Ex-Teuton (to landlady).</i> "<span class="sc">Ach! Madame, eet is all
+right! I vos Engleesh now! I have to-day mein papers of Nationalization
+to your Home Office sent off. Dere vos several oaths by half-a-dozen
+peoples to be svorn. It vos a tremendous affairs!</span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE HEROES.</h2>
+
+<p>Once upon a time, many years ago&mdash;how many I cannot say, but certainly
+it must have been before the Christian era&mdash;there lived a sublime
+Emperor. After being for long the warmest, if platonic, friend of Peace,
+and forcing the world to listen to his loud protestations of fidelity,
+he suddenly surprised his hearers by declaring war.</p>
+
+<p>It was shortly after the opening of hostilities that he was seated on
+his throne presenting awards of merit to the bravest of his brave
+soldiers. The hall was filled with martial enthusiasm, and the memorable
+scene was one in which splendour, animation and the confidence of
+rectitude were equally notable.</p>
+
+<p>The Emperor's noble Vizier, to whose massive mind treaties were of no
+more consequence than waste paper, stood at the side of his Imperial
+Master to act as introducer of the gallant soldiers whose exploits (with
+which the world was ringing) it had been decided to reward although so
+early in the campaign&mdash;<i>pour encourager les autres</i>.</p>
+
+<p>"The first decorations," remarked the Vizier, "are for deeds of signal
+courage."</p>
+
+<p>He motioned to a stalwart warrior. "This noble son of the Empire," he
+said, "with his own bow shot six non-combatants within as many minutes."</p>
+
+<p>Loud cheers rent the air.</p>
+
+<p>"Three of them," the Vizier continued, "were women."</p>
+
+<p>Louder cheers.</p>
+
+<p>"The other three were old men over seventy."</p>
+
+<p>Immense enthusiasm.</p>
+
+<p>"This determined hacker-through," the Vizier continued, as another giant
+stood forth, "shot an unarmed priest."</p>
+
+<p>More enthusiasm.</p>
+
+<p>"And," added the Vizier, "burned his temple."</p>
+
+<p>Amid the plaudits of the flower of the Stale the monarch affixed the
+cherished tokens to the heroes' breasts. "My Braves!" he exclaimed. "In
+the name of the Fatherland I thank you."</p>
+
+<p>Another warrior stepped out and saluted.</p>
+
+<p>"And what, my friend," asked the monarch, "did you do?"</p>
+
+<p>"Nothing, Sire," he replied with the unaffected simplicity of the man of
+action; "I merely stamped on some little children&mdash;twins, I think."</p>
+
+<p>"Two medals for that," said the Emperor with ready wit, and there was
+not a wet eye as he placed them in their proud position.</p>
+
+<p>The Vizier beckoned to a youthful officer on whose lip the down was
+hardly yet visible. But though young in years he was already every inch
+a soldier of his country.</p>
+
+<p>"This gallant gentleman," said the Vizier, "unaided, and at great
+personal risk, shot a baby in arms."</p>
+
+<p>"In arms?" asked the monarch sharply. "Surely that mitigates the
+heroism?"</p>
+
+<p>"I meant in its mother's arms," the Vizier hastily explained.</p>
+
+<p>"Ah!" said the Emperor with a sigh of relief, "that reassures me." And
+amid profound excitement he embraced the soldier, pinned the coveted
+badge to his breast and bade him quickly return to the front to carry on
+the great work.</p>
+
+<p>"The next reward is for resource in emergency," said the master of
+ceremonies an hour or so later.</p>
+
+<p>He beckoned to a superb officer, splendid in his trappings&mdash;a blue-eyed
+colossus of nearly six-feet-six.</p>
+
+<p>"This highborn Captain," said the Vizier, "snatched some women from
+their beds and pushed them before his men so that the enemy should not
+shoot."</p>
+
+<p>The hall resounded with applause.</p>
+
+<p>"'Twas a brilliant thought," said the Emperor. "Not only will we
+decorate him for intelligence, but for valour."</p>
+
+<p>"The last is for chivalry, Sire," said the master of the ceremonies,
+indicating the remaining award.</p>
+
+<p>An officer stood forth.</p>
+
+<p>"This warrior," said the Vizier,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_210" id="Page_210">[Pg 210]</a></span> "ordered his men to trample down some
+public flower-beds in the enemy's capital."</p>
+
+<p>"Bravely done," said the Emperor. "A great and imaginative lesson. We'll
+learn them to resist invasion!"</p>
+
+<p>Amid renewed demonstrations of loyalty and fervour the Emperor brought
+the proceedings to a close.</p>
+
+<p>"Among so many deeds of valour," he said, "I find it impossible to say
+which is the most splendid. All are glorious. I am in a position to
+assure you that Heaven is proud of you. The Fatherland also is proud of
+you, and, above all, I am proud of you. May the blessings of Heaven
+continue to fall upon our great and merciful campaign for the right!"</p>
+
+<p>With these words the proceedings terminated and the heroes hurried back
+to the fighting line, eager to win more laurels by similar feats of
+culture.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>SIDELIGHTS ON THE WAR.</h2>
+
+<p>It is frequently remarked that the present war will be far-reaching in
+its consequences. The truth of this is apparent from the following
+notices, gathered at random from the column of "Personal Paragraphs"
+which the Editor of <i>The Shrimpington-on-Sea Gazette</i> publishes weekly,
+without charge, thereby earning the reputation of a patriot:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">In consequence of</span> the present crisis in the Money Market, Mrs. Pincham
+desires to give notice that she hereby disclaims all liability for any
+debts contracted by her at Bridge, and the same will not be paid.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">This is to say that</span>, owing to the war and my pocket-money being stopped
+because I broke the dining-room window, if Jackson Minor does not pay me
+the balance of sixpence remaining for his half-share of the white rabbit
+we both bought last term, his half of the rabbit will be sold and the
+proceeds kept by the undersigned, <span class="sc">Smith Tertius</span>.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Lady Straiter</span> regrets to be obliged to announce that, in consequence of
+the perilous financial situation in Europe, she will be forced to
+discontinue her subscription of 2<i>s.</i> 6<i>d.</i> per annum to the Society for
+the Relief of Distressed Dustmen.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Mr. Alured de Mortimer Talbot-Howard-St. Maur</span> begs to inform his many
+friends and the general public that the above is his real name, and that
+he is proud to say he is by birth and descent an Englishman. The
+spiteful rumours which allege that he originally kept a pawnbroker's
+shop in Hamburg, where his name was Wilhelm Guggelheimer, are merely the
+inventions of malicious persons who are envious of his property and
+social position.</p>
+
+<p>As the Shrimpington-on-Sea Golf Course has been entirely ploughed-up
+(with the exception of the greens) and planted with onions, turnips,
+cabbages, and beetroot, to increase our national food-supply, all
+members are requested to play in rubber-soled shoes only during the next
+two months, so as not to damage the growing crops.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>AT THE PLAY.</h2>
+
+<center>"<span class="sc">My Aunt</span>."</center>
+
+<p>Really, the only question to ask oneself of this adaptation from the
+French is "Is it funny enough?" With so much being offered by the
+newsboy outside the Vaudeville that is not at all funny, it would be
+pleasant to find inside the doors a little relief from the world.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 30%">
+<a href="images/210.png">
+<img src="images/210.png" width="100%" alt="Should the Telephone be Used" /></a><br />
+<p><span class="sc">Should the Telephone be Used except under Medical
+advice?</span></p>
+<i>Mrs. Martingale</i>&nbsp; &nbsp; Miss <span class="sc">Lottie Venne</span>.<br />
+<i>Dr. Sweette</i>&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; Mr. <span class="sc">Ernest Hendrie</span>.<br />
+
+</div>
+
+<p>I will give the authors the benefit of any doubt I may have felt now and
+then, and say that <i>My Aunt</i> serves its purpose. In places it made us
+all laugh a good deal, and I don't think we were prepared to be easily
+amused; although (for a reason which still escapes me) there was a
+sudden burst of clapping when <i>Aubrey Braxton</i> announced that he had
+received an "ultimatum" from <i>Suzanne</i>. The latter part of the Second
+Act is particularly well worked up, and one remark of <i>Aubrey's</i> to
+<i>Leslie Tarbolton</i> brought down the house. ("You are the sort of man who
+would go to call on a sick friend ... and eat his grapes.") The Third
+Act is terribly padded with things which are not really funny, but it
+gives us an opportunity of seeing a little more of Miss <span class="sc">Lottie Venne</span>, to
+whom the authors had not previously been generous. (I love Miss <span class="sc">Venne's</span>
+voice and I love her manner of waving her arms in the air. It was
+delightful to see and listen to her again.)</p>
+
+<p>For the best parts of the first two Acts, then; for Miss <span class="sc">Lottie Venne's</span>
+voice; above all, for Mr. <span class="sc">A. W. Baskcomb's</span> face, <i>My Aunt</i> is worth
+while. As <i>Aubrey Braxton</i> Mr. <span class="sc">Baskcomb</span>&mdash;the never-to-be-forgotten
+<i>Slightly</i> of so many Christmasses&mdash;goes through all the many troubles
+of a hero of farce with his own inimitable air of hopeless resignation.
+I hope that his efforts will not be unrewarded, and that the management
+will find that, without rivalling the success of that other aunt,
+Charley's, they will yet for some time be able to play to good "business
+as usual."</p>
+
+<p class="author">M.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>MR. PUNCH'S HOLIDAY STORIES.</h2>
+
+<center>III.&mdash;<span class="sc">The Fight of the Century.</span></center>
+
+<center>(Concluded.)</center>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i><span class="sc">Synopsis of Preceding Instalment</span>:&mdash;The great boxing boom is at its
+height. A fight arranged between Smasher Mike and the famous
+heavyweight champion. Mauler Mills, is arousing intense excitement
+throughout the country. Nothing whatever is known of the Smasher,
+and the betting is therefore 100 to 1 against him. Young Lord
+Tamerton is at this time in desperate financial straits. His bosom
+friend, Ralph Wonderson, who is in love with his sister, the
+beautiful Lady Margaret Tamerton, prevails upon him to wager heavily
+on Smasher Mike, and undertakes to put him in the way of obtaining a
+loan of &pound;5,000 for this purpose. Their conversation is overheard by
+an agent of Sir Ernest Scrivener, </i>alias<i> Marmaduke Moorsdyke, who
+is the mortal enemy of Wonderson and is plotting to get Lady
+Margaret Tamerton in his power.</i>]</p></div>
+
+<p>The vast area of Corinthia was crammed with eager spectators, whose eyes
+were concentrated with feverish intensity on the raised platform in the
+centre of the hall. In the seats near the ring, for each of which a
+hundred guineas had been charged, sat the cream of Britain's
+aristocracy, including Lord Tamerton and Lady Margaret Tamerton, for
+whom two tickets in a plain envelope had been left that morning.</p>
+
+<p>At last the preliminaries came to an end and Smasher Mike, clad in a
+claret-coloured dressing-gown with yellow facings, crawled through the
+ropes and went to his corner. As he raised his face to the lights a
+murmur of amazement ran through the hall.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>It's Ralph Wonderson!</i>" Lady Margaret gripped her brother's arm till
+the perspiration stood out on his forehead.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>It's Ralph Wonderson!</i>" The<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_211" id="Page_211">[Pg 211]</a></span> whisper passed from lip to lip, merging
+presently into a burst of cheering as Mauler Mills scrambled up to the
+platform, wearing an electric-blue dressing-gown with green facings and
+pink sash.</p>
+
+<p>Ralph sat motionless in his corner, watching his gigantic adversary with
+a pleasant smile and softly whistling the air of a popular song. At
+length the referee leisurely entered the ring. As he did so, Ralph gave
+a violent start and Lady Margaret gripped her brother's arm till his
+teeth chattered. <i>The referee was not the popular Algernon Mittens, as
+had been announced, but Sir Ernest Scrivener!</i></p>
+
+<p>Lord Tamerton stared up at the ring with ashen lips. With such an
+official in charge nothing but a miracle could save Ralph Wonderson from
+being disqualified in the first round. The House of Tamerton was more
+utterly ruined than ever.</p>
+
+<p>But in thirty seconds Ralph, trained in many sports to meet all
+emergencies, had summed up the situation and decided upon his course of
+action.</p>
+
+<p>The gong sounded and the two pugilists advanced warily towards each
+other. Suddenly Ralph lashed out a terrific right which, as he intended,
+missed the Mauler by a foot. Unable, apparently, to retain his balance,
+he swung completely round with the impetus of the blow, and his clenched
+fist landed squarely upon the referee's jaw. Sir Ernest shot high over
+the ropes and crashed down on the Dowager Duchess of Cumbersea, whence
+he rebounded with terrible force into the arms of the Marquis of
+Meltington.</p>
+
+<p>After a brief delay all three were removed to the hospital.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The fight, under a new referee, was in its twentieth round. Not a sound
+could be heard beyond the shuffling of the pugilists' feet and the thud
+of fist on flesh.</p>
+
+<p>Feinting with his left, the Mauler clinched heavily with his right, but
+Ralph foiled the attack with a clever half-nelson. Again Mills swung his
+right, and again Ralph parried the blow, this time by sending his left
+to the funny-bone and thus paralysing the arm. He then dashed in and
+uppercut his opponent severely on the occiput. Mauler Mills staggered to
+the ropes, to which he clung frantically in order to preserve his
+balance.</p>
+
+<p>A savage roar went up from the crowd, roused now to a pitch of frenzied
+excitement. "Now you've got him! Finish him! Put him out!" they shouted.</p>
+
+<p>But Ralph, chivalrous as always, drew back, bowed formally to his
+opponent and quietly awaited his recovery.</p>
+
+<p>Presently, after a courteous enquiry and an assurance from the Mauler
+that he was quite ready, the pair exchanged a warm handshake and renewed
+their combat.</p>
+
+<p>Taking a deep breath, Ralph advanced with cat-like tread and flashing
+eyes upon his adversary. Knowing from painful experience what to expect,
+the latter circled cautiously away, covering his face with his hands.
+But Ralph, realising that time was short, determined not to be baffled.
+Combining the agility of the chamois with the ponderous strength of the
+hippopotamus, he crouched low and sprang like a tiger through the air
+upon the unhappy Mauler, striking him full on the solar plexus. White to
+the lips, the Mauler fell squirming to the floor, while Ralph
+nonchalantly adjusted a lock of hair which had floated loose.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>One&mdash;two&mdash;three ...</i>" the voice of the referee was like the voice of
+inexorable Fate ... "<i>four&mdash;five&mdash;six ...</i>" Lady Margaret gripped her
+brother's arm till his hair stood on end ... "<i>seven&mdash;eight ...</i>" The
+Countess of Snecks fainted with a loud shriek ... "<i>nine&mdash;Out</i>"!</p>
+
+<p>The great fight was won. The House of Tamerton was saved.</p>
+
+<p>Clad in his claret-coloured dressing-gown, the new champion pressed his
+<i>fianc&eacute;e</i> against the yellow facings and stroked her fair hair fondly
+with his boxing-gloves.</p>
+
+<p>"My little wife!" he whispered.</p>
+
+<p>And the vast area of Corinthia rang with emotional cheers.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/211.png">
+<img src="images/211.png" width="100%" alt="Halt! Who goes there?" /></a><br /><br />
+<p><i>Sentry (suddenly appearing).</i> "<span class="sc">Halt! Who goes there?</span>"</p>
+<p><i>Brown.</i> "<span class="sc">Er&mdash;season!</span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_212" id="Page_212">[Pg 212]</a></span>
+
+<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</center>
+
+<p>Far too rarely does the conscientious reviewer enjoy such a chance as
+has come to me now, a chance to let himself go in the matter of praise
+without stint or reservation. As a reward doubtless for some of my many
+unrecorded good deeds, there has come into my hands a slender volume
+called <i>Naval Occasions</i> (<span class="sc">Blackwood</span>), which seems to me to be the most
+entirely satisfactory and, indeed, fascinating thing of its kind that
+ever I read. The writer chooses for his own sufficient reasons to
+disguise himself as "<span class="sc">Bartimeus</span>," and under that name I have to ask him
+to accept my very sincere gratitude. The little book contains
+twenty-five sketches, mostly quite short, relating to (I quote its text,
+taken from the Articles of War) "the Navy, whereon, under the good
+Providence of God, the wealth, safety, and strength of the Kingdom
+chiefly depend." Never surely did a book appear so aptly. At a moment
+like this, when the dullest collection of naval facts can stir the
+pulse, such pages as these, full of the actual life and work of the men
+who are safeguarding us all, deserve a public as vast as the Empire
+itself. The appeal of them is amazing, for their art is of so concealed
+a quality that the writing seems simplicity itself. To say that they
+bring the atmosphere of salt winds and the tang of the sea, is nothing;
+a skilful novel about Margate sands would deserve this praise; it is in
+their humanity that the charm lies, the sense of courage and comradeship
+and high endeavour that is in every one of them. You will laugh often as
+you read; and sometimes, quite suddenly, you will find yourself with a
+prickly feeling at the back of the eyes, because of the tears that are
+in these things; but they are the proud kind, never the sloppily
+sentimental. And at the end I am mistaken in you if you do not close the
+book with the rare and moving sensation that you have found something of
+which you can say, as I myself did, "This is absolutely It!"</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Amongst the thousands of helpful suggestions for the conduct of war
+which have recently filled the columns of the daily press, I do not
+remember having seen any scheme for supplying the officers of the Allied
+Armies with an Irish terrier apiece. And yet if <span class="sc">Marie von Vorst</span> is to be
+trusted, this is a very serious omission, for, had it not been for
+<i>Pitchoun&eacute;</i>, I fear that the gallant hero of <i>His Love Story</i> (<span class="sc">Mills and
+Boon</span>) would have perished in the Sahara and never have won the lady of
+his heart. The <i>Comte de Sabron</i> was forbidden by his military orders to
+take a dog with him to Algiers, but <i>Pitchoun&eacute;</i> ran all the way from
+Tarascon to Marseilles and jumped into the boat. Subsequently, when his
+master was lying wounded in the desert, he tracked down the nearest
+native village&mdash;twelve hours away&mdash;and barked till they sent out a
+relief expedition. A boy scout could not do more, and, though my own
+experience of Irish terriers has led me to think that they do not spend
+over much time in the study of ordnance maps, yet for sentiment's sake,
+and because <i>His Love Story</i> is a charmingly written romance, I am ready
+to believe in all the feats of <i>Pitchoun&eacute;</i>, and even to hope that he
+will not after all be <i>de trop</i> now that <i>M. le Comte</i> is happily
+wedded, but may have another brilliantly successful campaign in front of
+him.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Although Mrs. <span class="sc">Penrose's</span> new novel, <i>Something Impossible</i> (<span class="sc">Mills and
+Boon</span>), gaily admits in its title its difficulties, I cannot pretend that
+I consider her to have made the most of her opportunity. There are at
+least two classic examples of her theme, Mr. <span class="sc">Anstey's</span> <i>Vice Vers&acirc;</i> and
+Mr. <span class="sc">De la Mare's</span> <i>Return</i>. Mrs. <span class="sc">Penrose</span> cannot approach either the
+charming humour of the one or the delicate beauty of the other. On a
+lower plane her story has its amusing moments, and there is a vein of
+real tenderness in her picture of the relations of her hero and his
+faithful lady&mdash;a happy relief after the monotonous repetition of
+matrimonial infidelities dealt out to us by the average novel. It will
+be a consolation also to many readers to discover that plain people are
+far more popular than handsome ones and that to "have features of
+classical beauty" is the most unfortunate of handicaps in the race for
+comfort and success. Mrs. <span class="sc">Penrose</span>, like many other women novelists, is
+very cruel to her own sex and never misses an opportunity of exposing
+its shallow sentiments and transient affections. But why are all
+novelists of to-day so merciless to the provincial town? There must be
+some pleasant people in Cathedral cities. I am weary of retired colonels
+with port-stained faces, and vinegary old maids, and unctuous canons.
+Mrs. <span class="sc">Penrose</span> has shown in her earlier books so real a sense of beauty
+and so touching a spirit of kindliness that I am bound to confess that,
+with the exception of her treatment of her hero, this rather acid and
+ironical piece of nonsense is a disappointment.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/212.png">
+<img src="images/212.png" width="100%" alt="The Small Man." /></a>
+<p><i>The Small Man.</i> "<span class="sc">If I was as well set up as you I'd go
+and fight for my country, <i>I</i> would!</span>"</p>
+<p><i>The Large Man.</i> "<span class="sc">No good, Mate, I've tried it. Told me at the War
+Office I would spoil the uniform appearance of any regiment, so I'm
+waitin' till they raise a corps of Cinema Guards.</span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>From the Emperor of <span class="sc">Austria's</span> telegram to <span class="sc">Wilhelm II.</span>:</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"Words fail to express what moves me, and with me my army, in these
+days of the world's history."</p></div>
+
+<p>The word "Servia" might express what moves his army.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><i>The Scotsman</i> on the condition of things in Norway:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"Food supplies and rents are controlled by the Government, and
+spirits and wines cannot be purchased. Most of the English people
+have now left Norway."</p></div>
+
+<p>For other reasons, we hope.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"<span class="sc">Pleasure Tours.</span>&mdash;St. Petersburg from London <i>vi&acirc;</i> Kiel Canal."</p>
+
+<p class="author"><i>Advt. in "Times."</i></p></div>
+
+<p>Take your camera with you, and snap the jolly little German battleships
+as you go past. The result of the recent fight off Heligoland should
+increase your popularity.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+147, September 2nd, 1914, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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+</body>
+</html>
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@@ -0,0 +1,2272 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 147,
+September 2nd, 1914, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 147, September 2nd, 1914
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: October 26, 2008 [EBook #27055]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+  PUNCH,
+
+  OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+  VOLUME 147.
+
+  SEPTEMBER 2, 1914.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+Reports still continue to come in as to the outbursts of rage which took
+place in Germany when the news of our participation in the War reached
+that country. Seeing that we had merely been asked to allow our friends
+to be robbed and murdered, our interference is looked upon as peculiarly
+gratuitous.
+
+       ***
+
+We hear, by the way, that the Germans, who hold Kiao-chau on a long
+lease, appealed unsuccessfully to Leaseholders Protection Societies all
+over the world to intervene in defence of their interests.
+
+       ***
+
+We understand that a new version of the KAISER'S famous "Yellow Peril"
+cartoon (it bore the inscription, "Nations of Europe, protect your
+property!") is in preparation at Tokio, in which a jaundiced KAISER is
+delineated as the Yellow Peril.
+
+       ***
+
+Those persons who complain that the Allies are too frequently on the
+defensive forget that it is very difficult to be as offensive as the
+Germans.
+
+       ***
+
+The report that among the troops which entered Brussels was a bear
+dressed up in infamous taste to represent the King of the BELGIANS is
+denied in Germany. It is quite possible that he was merely one of the
+Prussian officers.
+
+       ***
+
+The _Giornale d'Italia_ reports that, at a meeting of cardinals held at
+Rome, it was decided to issue an appeal to the belligerents to agree to
+a truce pending the election of a new Pope. It is thought, however, that
+the KAISER will refuse even such a reasonable request as this.
+
+       ***
+
+It is rumoured that WILHELM II. has despatched all his British uniforms
+to KING GEORGE. This, anyhow, should be remembered to his credit. He did
+not wish to disgrace them.
+
+       ***
+
+The temptation to call the KAISER names is, of course, almost
+irresistible, but we are rather surprised to come across the following
+head-lines in our serious contemporary, _The Observer_:--
+
+"Brussels--and After. The German Sweep."
+
+       ***
+
+There would seem to be no end to the social horrors of the War. The
+Teuton journal _Manufakturist_ is now prophesying that one of its
+results will be the substitution of German for French fashions.
+
+       ***
+
+The title of "The King of Prussia," one of the oldest licensed houses at
+Barnet, is to be altered. Every effort, we understand, is being made in
+Germany to keep the news from the KAISER.
+
+       ***
+
+People must not come down too heavily on KEIR HARDIE. We honestly
+believe that he honestly believes that his little views are right.
+That's what makes his case so sad.
+
+       ***
+
+The Dominican Revolution, it is announced, has ended. It is supposed to
+have been unable to stand the competition of the bigger war.
+
+       ***
+
+There appears to be considerable difference of opinion as to whether
+those persons who are in want of a holiday should take it as usual or
+not. The "Take your Change" movement may be quite right for women and
+children; but the "Leave your Change" movement is better still.
+
+       ***
+
+According to _The Evening News_ three elephants have been requisitioned
+from the Zoo at the White City by the military authorities. In Berlin,
+no doubt, this will be taken to signify that our heavy cavalry mounts
+are giving out.
+
+       ***
+
+The Committee of the Masters of the Foxhounds Association have decided
+that, while regular hunting will be impossible, they consider it would
+be most prejudicial to the country in general if it were allowed to
+lapse altogether. In this, we understand, the Committee and the foxes do
+not see eye to eye, the latter taking the view that hunting men ought
+now to devote their entire attention to more important matters.
+
+       ***
+
+"GERMANS DRIVEN BACK FROM ANTWERP" read an indignant old lady. "Driven,
+indeed!" she exclaimed; "I'd have made them walk!"
+
+       ***
+
+The statement issued to the Press by Messrs. SUTTON AND SONS to the
+effect that large supplies of bulbs from Holland are now being delivered
+at Reading in as good a condition as ever has, we hear, had a distinctly
+steadying effect on the country at large.
+
+       ***
+
+From Hoylake comes the news that certain persons who live in a street
+there called Prussia Road have petitioned the Urban District Council for
+a change of name--and it is rumoured that the Council, with a view to
+saving the ratepayers' pockets, have hit upon the ingenious idea of
+obliterating the first letter only of the present name--thereby also
+paying a well-deserved compliment to a distinguished ally.
+
+       ***
+
+A clerk who left a month ago for a week in lovely Lucerne and has only
+just been able to get back found his employer (a merchant with a strain
+of German blood in his veins) quite angry. "I have half a mind to
+dismiss you for exceeding your leave," he said. "However, you are useful
+to me. Only please understand that you have now had your holiday for the
+next three years as well."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: "Special constables who can speak German are
+particularly required."--_Daily paper._
+
+_Special Constable_ (_having cornered his man_). "SPRECHEN SIE DEUTSCH?"
+_Suspect._ "NEIN! NEIN!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A sow has given birth to a freak of nature. The animal's face is
+    almost human in appearance, it has neither eyes nor nostrils, but a
+    nose like a fish."
+
+    _Sheffield Daily Telegraph._
+
+This is like none of our friends.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE AVENGERS.
+
+(_To our Soldiers in the field._)
+
+    Not only that your cause is just and right--
+      This much was never doubted; war or play,
+    We go with clean hands into any fight;
+      That is our English way;--
+
+    Not this high thought alone shall brace your thews
+      To trample under heel those Vandal hordes
+    Who laugh when blood of mother and babe imbrues
+      Their damned craven swords.
+
+    But here must be hot passion, white of flame,
+      Pure hate of this unutterable wrong,
+    Sheer wrath for Christendom so sunk in shame,
+      To make you trebly strong.
+
+    These smoking hearths of fair and peaceful lands,
+      This reeking trail of deeds abhorred of Hell,
+    They cry aloud for vengeance at your hands,
+      Ruthless and swift and fell.
+
+    Strike, then--and spare not--for the innocent dead
+      Who lie there, stark beneath the weeping skies,
+    As though you saw your dearest in their stead
+      Butchered before your eyes.
+
+    And though the guiltless pay for others guilt
+      Who preached these brute ideals in camp and Court;
+    Though lives of brave and gentle foes be spilt,
+      That loathe this coward sport;
+
+    On each, without distinction, worst or best,
+      Fouled by a nation's crime, one doom must fall;
+    Be you its instrument, and leave the rest
+      To GOD, the Judge of all
+
+    Let it be said of you, when sounds at length
+      Over the final field the victor's strain:--
+    "They struck at infamy with all their strength,
+      And earth is clean again!"
+
+    O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW GERMANY CAME OFF.
+
+(_Extracts from a diary kept at intervals by a very special
+correspondent in the Dardanelles._)
+
+_GOEBEN_ arrives Dardanelles. Announcement of sale to Turkey and of
+disembarcation of German crew.
+
+_Goeben_ still in Dardanelles. Having been disposed of to Turkey, the
+ship again disembarced her crew.
+
+_Goeben_ continuing in Dardanelles, the disembarcation of German crew,
+which was completed three days ago and again yesterday, began again
+to-day and was carried out successfully.
+
+The _Goeben_ still being at anchor in the Dardanelles, it was decided to
+carry out a disembarcation of her German crew on a scale surpassing all
+previous efforts.
+
+The _Goeben_ continues in the Dardanelles. Owing to the remarkable
+expertness which her crew has acquired, it was possible to carry out
+three disembarcations this afternoon. The officer commanding, indeed,
+proposes shortly to issue a challenge to ships of all nationalities for
+the Open Disembarcation Championship of the World.
+
+The _Goeben_ remains in the Dardanelles. In response to a pressing
+request from great masses of the Turkish population, who have been
+unable before to witness the ceremony, it has been decided again to
+disembark the German crew, and, beginning to-morrow at 10 A.M., the
+impressive spectacle will be gone through at regular intervals of an
+hour throughout the day. All the railway companies have announced cheap
+excursions, and there can be no doubt that these disembarcations will
+easily surpass all earlier ones.
+
+The German crew of the _Goeben_ are agitating for an eight-hour day.
+
+Instructions having reached the crew of the _Goeben_ to return to
+Germany, a magnificent Farewell Disembarcation took place last night. At
+its conclusion sympathisers presented an illuminated address bearing the
+following inscription "To the crew of the _Goeben_ on the occasion of
+their final disembarcation before leaving for the Fatherland."
+
+_Later._--Arrival of the crew of the _Goeben_ at Kiel. Great popular
+enthusiasm. KAISER orders a Special Disembarcation to take place before
+entire Fleet, a duplicate cruiser (in the regretable absence of the
+_Goeben_) being lent for the purpose.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TRUCE.
+
+PEACE reigns in the club-house on the links. The young men have nearly
+all gone, and Morris, our veteran "plus two" member, who generally only
+condescends to go round with the pro. and one or two choice players, is
+eager for a match with anyone. Only you must play for five shillings for
+his wife's branch of the Red Cross Society.
+
+In the smoke-room over our pipes--cigars are considered wasteful and bad
+form--the old conversational warriors look at one another. I glance
+across at Sellars, a member of that loathsome, I should say highly
+admirable, institution, the National Liberal Club. It is not six weeks
+since I denounced him as a pestilent traitor because he demanded, for
+some reason, that escapes me, the blockade of a city called Belfast.
+And, if I remember, he alluded to me as a traitorous tamperer with the
+Army. But now I praise the admirable patriotism of JOHN REDMOND; I
+eulogise the financial genius of LLOYD GEORGE; I grow fervid as I
+rhapsodise about WINSTON.
+
+Then Sellars interposes, "My dear fellow, why do you forget the splendid
+abnegation of Sir EDWARD CARSON? As for LLOYD GEORGE he may have done
+well, but hasn't he AUSTEN at his elbow all the time? Talk about WINSTON
+if you like, but, after all, he has only muzzled the German fleet. F. E.
+SMITH has done a far more wonderful thing. He has muzzled the British
+Press."
+
+Peace! It is wonderful. Only at the back of my mind there is one sad
+thought which I strive to put away from me. Suppose a General Election
+comes whilst the war is still on. I, as a patriot, shall have to vote
+for the splendid Government. It will be Sellars' duty and joy to support
+our splendid Opposition. And, if we all act in the same way, we shall
+have those wretched--what funny slips one's pen makes!--those adorable
+Radicals back in power for another five years.
+
+But when the war is over and we see a free Europe I promise myself one
+reward. The night when peace is proclaimed I shall seek out Sellars and
+tell him just what I think about LLOYD GEORGE; and I haven't the
+slightest doubt that he will celebrate the occasion by some venomous
+abuse of BONAR LAW.
+
+You see at present we are handicapped; we are just Englishmen.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Another Impending Apology.
+
+    "The first editor of GOLFING was Mr. Thomas Marlowe, who is now
+    editor of the _Daily Mail_. On the other hand, there have been
+    several editors of GOLFING who have since risen to positions of
+    distinction."--_Golfing._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: TO ARMS! RECRUITING-SERGEANT PUNCH. "NOW, MY LADS, YOUR
+COUNTRY WANTS YOU. WHO'S FOR THE FRONT?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: UNDER MARTIAL LAW.
+
+"NOW MIND, MARY, IF A SENTRY ASKS YOU WHO YOU ARE, YOU MUST IMMEDIATELY
+ANSWER, 'FRIEND.'"
+
+"YES, 'M, BUT WHAT AM I TO SAY IF HE ASKS ME HOW BABY IS?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ATTACK ON GERMAN TRADE.
+
+Those mistaken persons who maintain that "music has no frontiers" have
+been sharply rebuked by the patriotic action of the management of
+certain concerts, who boldly opened the season by expelling all German
+music from their programmes. It is all very well to say that this is
+confounding the Germany that we honour and admire with the Germany of
+the other sort, of which we have had more than enough. The step has been
+taken on the highest patriotic grounds, and although the ban has been
+partially removed since the season began, it is clearly indicated that
+this conciliatory attitude will only last so long as the main German
+fleet continues to skulk behind the defences of Kiel. If there is any
+aggressive movement, then let it be understood that TSCHAIKOWSKI'S
+_Pathetique_ Symphony will be worn threadbare by nightly repetition
+sooner than that we should have any truck with BRAHMS, WAGNER or BACH.
+
+Already the occupation of Brussels has caused the scratching (at the
+very last moment) of the SCHUMANN concerto.
+
+Of course there is more in it than meets the eye. If all German music is
+eliminated there are bound to be prodigious gaps which must be filled up
+somehow. Very well. The result can only be a new state of activity in
+the home composing industry. This is no time for giving away secrets,
+but perhaps we may be allowed to say that the continued attendance last
+week of Sir HENRY WOOD at the offices of the Board of Trade can only
+mean that he too is taking his part in a comprehensive and
+well-considered plan for making war on German industries. Now is the
+time for the native producer to get to work. Germany must once and for
+all be ousted from this market. There need be no difficulty in obtaining
+samples, and we look to British industry and enterprise to do the rest.
+
+We are not sure that neutrals should be allowed into this thing. An
+exception might be made in the case of Italy, but, apart from her, we
+should limit the exotic features in our programmes to the works of our
+allies in the field. It might give a needed fillip to the national music
+of Japan.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+How it strikes our Contemporaries.
+
+    "Yesterday's eclipse of the sun was itself eclipsed by the world
+    shadow. Shortly after noon a large inky blot obscured nearly
+    three-quarters of the sun's surface and a violet haze hung over
+    London, but very few people were heeding the phenomenon in the sky.
+    The hawkers, even, were too busy selling patriotic favours to offer
+    smoked glasses."--_Daily Mail._
+
+    "Londoners did not permit the war to eclipse the eclipse. The
+    hawkers' cry, 'Smoked glass a penny,' was heard everywhere, and
+    there was a ready sale for the pieces of glass which enabled one to
+    view the darkening of the sun." _Daily Mirror._
+
+The allies should come to a better agreement than this.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Spies Output Down Again," says a contemporary, and we were just going
+to congratulate the authorities when we discovered that it referred to a
+Petroleum Company.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FATAL GIFT.
+
+People say to me sometimes, "Oh, _you_ know Woolman, don't you?" I
+acknowledge that I do, and, after the silence that always ensues, I add,
+"If you want to say anything against him, please go on." You can almost
+hear the sigh of relief that goes up. "I thought he was a friend of
+yours," they say cheerfully. "But, of course, if----" and then they
+begin.
+
+I think it is time I explained my supposed friendship for Ernest
+Merrowby Woolman--confound him.
+
+The affair began in a taxicab two years ago. Andrew had been dining with
+me that night; we walked out to the cab-rank together; I told the driver
+where to go, and Andrew stepped in, waved good-bye to me from the
+window, and sat down suddenly upon something hard. He drew it from
+beneath him, and found it was an extremely massive (and quite new)
+silver cigar-case. He put it in his pocket with the intention of giving
+it to the driver when he got out, but quite naturally forgot. Next
+morning he found it on his dressing-table. So he put it in his pocket
+again, meaning to leave it at Scotland Yard on his way to the City.
+
+Next morning it was on his dressing-table again.
+
+This went on for some days. After a week or so Andrew saw that it was
+hopeless to try to get a cigar-case back to Scotland Yard in this casual
+sort of way; it must be taken there deliberately by somebody who had a
+morning to spare and was willing to devote it to this special purpose.
+He placed the case, therefore, prominently on a small table in the
+dining-room to await the occasion; calling also the attention of his
+family to it, as an excuse for an outing when they were not otherwise
+engaged.
+
+At times he used to say, "I must really take that cigar-case to Scotland
+Yard to-morrow."
+
+At other times he would say, "Somebody must really take that cigar-case
+to Scotland Yard to-day."
+
+And so the weeks rolled on ...
+
+It was about a year later that I first got mixed up with the thing. I
+must have dined with the Andrews several times without noticing the
+cigar-case, but on this occasion it caught my eye as we wandered out to
+join the ladies, and I picked it up carelessly. Well, not exactly
+carelessly; it was too heavy for that.
+
+"Why didn't you tell me," I said, "that you had stood for Parliament and
+that your supporters had consoled you with a large piece of plate?
+Hallo, they've put the wrong initials on it. How unbusiness-like."
+
+"Oh, _that_?" said Andrew. "Is it still there?"
+
+"Why not? It's quite a solid little table. But you haven't explained why
+your constituents, who must have seen your name on hundreds of posters,
+thought your initials were E. M. W."
+
+Andrew explained.
+
+"Then it isn't yours at all?" I said in amazement.
+
+"Of course not."
+
+"But, my dear man, this is theft. Stealing by finding, they call it. You
+could get"--I looked at him almost with admiration--"you could get two
+years for this;" and I weighed the cigar-case in my hand. "I believe
+you're the only one of my friends who could be certain of two years," I
+went on musingly. "Let's see, there's----"
+
+"Nonsense," said Andrew uneasily. "But still, perhaps I'd better take it
+back to Scotland Yard to-morrow."
+
+"And tell them you've kept it for a year? They'd run you in at once. No,
+what you want to do is to get rid of it without their knowledge. But
+how--that's the question. You can't give it away because of the
+initials."
+
+"It's easy enough. I can leave it in another cab, or drop it in the
+river."
+
+"Andrew, Andrew," I cried, "you're determined to go to prison! Don't you
+know from all the humorous articles you've ever read that, if you _try_
+to lose anything, then you never can? It's one of the stock remarks one
+makes to women in the endeavour to keep them amused. No, you must think
+of some more subtle way of disposing of it."
+
+"I'll pretend it's yours," said Andrew more subtly, and he placed it in
+my pocket.
+
+"No, you don't," I said. "But I tell you what I will do. I'll take it
+for a week and see if I can get rid of it. If I can't, I shall give it
+you back and wash my hands of the whole business--except, of course, for
+the monthly letter or whatever it is they allow you at the Scrubbs. You
+may still count on me for that."
+
+And then the extraordinary thing happened. The next morning I received a
+letter from a stranger, asking for some simple information which I could
+have given him on a post-card. And so I should have done--or possibly, I
+am afraid, have forgotten to answer at all--but for the way that the
+letter ended up.
+
+    "_Yours very truly_,
+      _ERNEST M. WOOLMAN._"
+
+The magic initials! It was a chance not to be missed. I wrote
+enthusiastically back and asked him to lunch.
+
+He came. I gave him all the information he wanted, and lots more.
+Whether he was a pleasant sort of person or not I hardly noticed; I was
+so very pleasant myself.
+
+He returned my enthusiasm. He asked me to dine with him the following
+week. A little party at the Savoy--his birthday, you know.
+
+I accepted gladly. I rolled up at the party with my little present ... a
+massive silver cigar-case ... suitably engraved.
+
+       ***
+
+So there you are. He clings to me. He seems to have formed the absurd
+idea that I am fond of him. A few months after that evening at the Savoy
+he was married. I was invited to the wedding--confound him. Of course I
+had to live up to my birthday present; the least I could do was an
+enormous silver cigar-box (not engraved), which bound me to him still
+more strongly.
+
+By that time I realised that I hated him. He was pushing, familiar,
+everything that I disliked. All my friends wondered how I had become so
+intimate with him ...
+
+Well, now they know. And the original E. M. W., if he has the sense to
+read this article, knows. If he cares to prosecute Ernest Merrowby
+Woolman for being in possession of stolen goods I shall be glad to give
+him any information. Woolman is generally to be found leaving my rooms
+at about 6.30 in the evening, and a smart detective could easily nab him
+as he steps out.
+
+    A. A. M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FORTUNE'S FAVOURITE.
+
+    Dear maiden of the sunny head
+      And cheeks of coral hue,
+    The lips of rarest ruby red,
+      The eyes of Oxford blue,
+    And other charms I've left unsaid ...
+      Ah, how I envy you!
+
+    Heedless of half a world at war
+      You neither strive nor cry;
+    Though danger knocks at England's door
+      There's laughter in your sky:
+    You ask not what she's fighting for,
+      Nor reck the reason why.
+
+    You little guess, you never will,
+      The force that nerves this fist
+    To toil away for you until
+      My mind is like a mist;
+    The lack of money for the mill,
+      The growing dearth of grist.
+
+    Ah, since amid a world grown wild,
+      And horrors still half told,
+    Peace has her palace round you piled,
+      By all the gods I hold
+    You are a very lucky child,
+      My little Nine-months-old.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Officer Commanding Squad (about to cross Waterloo
+Bridge.)_ "'ALT! BREAK STEP! LARGE COLUMNS OF TROOPS WHEN CROSSIN'
+BRIDGES IS COMMANDED TO 'BREAK STEP' SO THAT THE UNISON OF THEIR TREAD
+MAY NOT DANGEROUSLY THREATEN THE STERBILITY OF THE BRIDGE."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CANDIDATE FOR THE FORCE.
+
+"I want to enrol myself as a Special Constable," I said to the man in
+mufti behind the desk.
+
+"Well, don't let me stop you," he remarked. "The Police Station is next
+door. This is a steam laundry."
+
+A minute later I began again:--
+
+"I want to enrol myself as a Steam Laund--that is to say, as a Special
+Constable."
+
+"Certainly, Sir," said the Inspector in charge. "Your name and address?"
+
+I opened my cigarette-case and placed a card on the desk.
+
+"The name of the house is pronounced _Song Soocee_," I said, "not, as
+spelt, Sans Souci."
+
+The Inspector handed me back the card. It was a cigarette-picture
+representing the proper method of bandaging a displaced knee-cap. I
+rectified the error, and he entered the information in a book.
+
+"I must ask if you are a British subject?" he inquired.
+
+"You might almost describe me as super-British," I replied. "There is a
+tradition in my family that my ancestors were on Hastings Pier when the
+Conqueror arrived."
+
+"Thank you. That will be all."
+
+"You don't want me to give references, one of which must be a clergyman
+or a J.P.? You don't require me to state previous experience, if any, or
+any details of that sort?"
+
+"Oh, no," he answered. "That'll be all right. You are no doubt familiar
+with squad drill?"
+
+"Splendid! I had no idea it was used in the Force."
+
+"Eight turn--left turn--about turn--form fours--and so on?"
+
+"I beg your pardon," I said, "but what did you call that?"
+
+"Squad drill, Sir."
+
+"O-o-h! I thought you said 'quadrille'. But I know the turns. Right turn,
+I turn to the right; left turn, I turn to the left; about turn, I turn
+just about, but not quite; form fours, I form--excuse me, but how does
+_one_ man form fours?"
+
+"There will, of course, be others," replied the Inspector. "You'll soon
+pick it up. And please state at what hours of the day you would be
+prepared to take duty."
+
+"Well," I said, "I've practically nothing to do from the time I get
+up--half-past ten--until mid-day. I could also manage to spare
+half-an-hour between afternoon-tea and dinner. And I could just drop in
+here about eleven at night to see if things were going along all right.
+Now, if you'll kindly fetch me a bull's-eye lantern, a life-preserver, a
+bullet-proof tunic, some indiarubber boots, a revolver, and a letter of
+introduction to some of the most skilful cooks in the neighbourhood I
+can put in one crowded hour of joyous life before I'm due on the links."
+
+"Just a moment," said the Inspector. "I don't want to discourage you,
+but kindly cast your eye over these paragraphs;" and he handed me a
+printed circular. "You will see that it will be necessary for you to
+perform four consecutive hours' duty."
+
+"Good heavens," I exclaimed, "I don't think I shall be able to manage
+that. I'm in the middle of an important jig-saw; I'm expecting a new
+motor-car to arrive any minute; and I have a slight head-cold. However,
+if my country calls me, I will see what can be arranged."
+
+I noticed the Inspector's look of admiration at my bull-dog resolution,
+so to hide my blushes I perused the circular.
+
+"I see," I said, "that we are each supplied with 'one armlet.' What's an
+armlet?".
+
+"A badge that goes round your arm."
+
+"Of course! How stupid of me! Just like a bracelet goes round one's--no,
+that won't do. Just like a gimlet goes--no, that doesn't either. I can't
+think of a simile, but I quite understand. Then we have 'one whistle.'
+What's that for? To whistle on if I feel lonely?"
+
+"To summon assistance if you should require it."
+
+"I have an idea that my whistle will be overworked. Shall I be able to
+get a new one when the original's worn out?"
+
+The Inspector thought there would be no difficulty in my getting
+rewhistled.
+
+"'One truncheon,'" I continued. "That, of course, is to trunch with. One
+truncheon, though, seems rather niggardly. I should prefer two, one in
+each hand. 'One note-book'--is that for autographs and original
+contributions from my brother Specials?"
+
+"For noting names and addresses and details of cases," explained the
+Inspector. "For instance, if, when on duty, you saw Jack Johnson
+committing a breach of the peace you would--"
+
+"Blow my whistle hard--"
+
+"Certainly not. You would take his name and address and note it down."
+
+"And if he refused it I could then whistle for help?"
+
+"No, you would at once arrest him."
+
+"What's the earliest possible moment at which it would be etiquette to
+blow my whistle?"
+
+"When he offered resistance. Then you could whistle."
+
+"No, I couldn't," I said, "not unless my equipment included one pair of
+bellows. Do you mean to tell me that I should be expected to arrest a
+man of infinitely superior physique to my own with no other weapons than
+one armlet, one whistle, one truncheon and one note-book? Surely I should
+be allowed to run for the Mayor and get him to read the Riot Act? If
+not, I can only say a policeman's lot is----"
+
+"Not a happy one?" put in the Inspector.
+
+"I was going to say a policeman's lot is a lot too much. Would you
+kindly cross my name off your list?"
+
+"I crossed it off some minutes ago," replied the Inspector.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WATCH DOGS.
+
+II.
+
+DEAR CHARLES,--Another letter from the back of the front for you. You
+will be glad to hear that your Terrier is settling down in his temporary
+kennel and sharpening his teeth in due course. The time will come when
+you may look your gift dog in the mouth and be not disappointed, we
+hope, by the view.
+
+We received orders a day or two ago to take up our beds and walk; that
+is, a couple of officers and a hundred odd of the men were told off to
+execute a flank movement on a neighbouring township where there is a
+range, and do our damnedest with the poor old targets. So we put our
+oddments in our pillow-case, rolled up our bedrooms into a convenient
+bundle and trekked. We were assured that we should be back at our base
+within the week, but we have learnt to take no chances. We have but one
+form of movement, the _tout ensemble_.
+
+It is quite refreshing to step, over a hundred strong, into a village
+with no pre-arranged scheme of board and lodging. Like every other
+wanderer in a strange part, we turn first to the policeman. We march
+towards him at attention; we call a halt at the base of his feet, and
+then, with the courtesy of the gentleman and the brevity of the soldier,
+we inform him that we have arrived. The next development is up to him.
+
+It is not to him, however, that we owe our temporary rest. It is to that
+irrepressible and indefatigable unit, the Boy Scout. Charles, I believe
+we'd all be lying out in the rain at this moment but for that
+assistance. The equipment of the Boy Scout on billeting duty consists of
+a piece of white chalk and a menacing demeanour. Thus armed, he knocks
+at every likely door, wishes the householder a good morning and
+registers on the door-frame the number of men that may be left till
+called for within, even while the policeman is still endeavouring to
+explain the international situation and the military exigencies to the
+slow-thinking rustic. Many formidable obstacles lie in our path, we
+know, but we are comforted by the thought that the Boy Scout isn't one
+of them. If, in the next generation, Britain continues to exist as a
+nation and not as a depot for the training of waiters in the Berlin
+restaurants, then indeed we shall have something to rely on in these
+adaptable young fellows.
+
+The host upon whom we officers were thrust was quite polite as long as
+our Boy Scout stood by, but, left to himself, turned out crusty. He was
+rather too old to turn into the perfect hotel proprietor all in a
+minute, and, as he put it, "he couldn't see his way" to do this and that
+for us. He was prepared to do all he had to do, but no more.
+Unfortunately we were not as well up in the regulations as our youthful
+and now departed protector. So we went out and did a bit of billeting on
+our own. It is an odd experience, this knocking at somebody's door and,
+upon being asked what one has come for, answering, "To stay." For
+ourselves we thought that the Rector would be a good man to experiment
+on. These parsons are used to being victimised and are known not to be
+too harsh upon the delinquent. So off we went to the Rectory,
+significantly handling our hilts and twirling our military stubbles. But
+the essence of war is surprise, and it was the Rector's wife who
+confronted our attack.
+
+I said, upon enquiry, that I couldn't say what we wanted but placed
+myself unreservedly in my colleague's hands. I then took a pace to the
+rear and prepared to retire in good order. Robertson's whole efforts
+were concentrated on refraining from taking off his cap, as behoves a
+gentleman, but not an officer, and the Rector's wife remained amiable
+but on the defensive. Charles, our position was a hopeless one and our
+careers had concluded then and there but for the arrival of the ally.
+Boy Scouts are as tactful as they are forgiving; he accepted our
+explanation and apology to himself and he explained for us and
+apologised to the Rector's wife. It was little he had to say, for never
+was a less reluctant and more efficient billettee. This kind lady has
+not only made our sojourn one long series of simple luxuries, she has
+been through the whole of our kit and washed and repaired the lot. Think
+what you may about the Church when you are a civilian in affluence, but
+when you are a soldier in distress turn to it first for succour.
+
+Lastly, a minor incident of a regretable nature. Halting on the march
+yesterday for our transport to catch up (our transport is known as
+Lieutenant Pearson's Circus) I discovered one of our dusty thirsty
+warriors having made his illegal entrance into a public-house by an
+emergency door. There he stood with a glisten in his eyes and his hand
+just about to grasp the pewter pot! Out he went under sentence of death
+by slow torture, and there was I left, with a thirst such as I have
+never before believed to be possible, alone with a pewter pot, with the
+foam just brimming over the top ... alone, unseen, undiscoverable ...
+
+    Your fallen Friend,
+    HENRY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: THE LANGUAGE OF THE HOUR.
+
+_Irate Lady (firing Parthian shot after marital misunderstanding)._
+"Yer--yer bloomin' Oolan!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LITERARY GOSSIP.
+
+The Autumn publishing season will undoubtedly be affected by the war,
+several firms having decided to withhold most of their forthcoming
+books. Messrs. Odder and Thynne, however, being convinced that the
+reading public cannot subsist entirely on newspapers, have with great
+public spirit resolved to publish their full programme, which is
+unusually full of works of interest.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The foremost place in their list is allotted to Principal Toshley
+Potts's volume of essays, which bear the attractive title of _The Hill
+of Havering_. Principal Potts was recently hailed by Sir NICHOLSON
+ROBERTS as "the Scots A. C. Benson," and this felicitous analogy will,
+we feel sure, be triumphantly vindicated by the contents of this
+epoch-making work, which by the way is dedicated to Dr. Emery Cawker, of
+the University of Brashville, Ga.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Another work of outstanding significance is a volume of poems, entitled
+_Kailyard Carols_, from the accomplished pen of Mr. Alan Bodgers, whom
+Mr. DAVID LYALL, in a three-column article in the _Penman_, recently
+declared to be the finest lyric poet since SHELLEY, and Mr. LYALL seldom
+makes a mistake. Mr. Bodgers, it may be added, is the sub-editor of the
+_Kilspindie Courant_, and has a handicap of twenty-two at the local golf
+club.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Very welcome also is the announcement that Professor Hector McGollop has
+undertaken to edit a series of Manuals of Moral Uplift, to which he will
+contribute the opening volume on _The Art of Unction_. Other
+contributors to the series are Dr. Talisker Dinwiddie, Principal Marcus
+Tonks and the Rev. Bandley Chadd.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In the department of fiction the most remarkable of the novelties
+promised by Messrs. Odder and Thynne is _The Nut's Progress_, by Mr.
+EWAN STRAW. It will be remembered that in a four-column review of Mr.
+STRAW'S last book, _Nothing Doing_, which appeared in the Xmas number of
+the _Book Booster_, Sir CLEMENT SHORTHOUSE declared that this talented
+fictionist combined the lilt of FRANK SMEDLEY (the author of _Frank
+Fairleigh_) with the whimsicality of BARRIE and the austere morality of
+ANNIE SWAN. Otherwise we may be sure the firm of Odder and Thynne would
+never have published a work with so risky a title.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PERHAPS.
+
+    Of wolves that wear sheep's clothing
+      The world has long been full,
+    But I've a special loathing
+      For one in Berlin wool.
+
+    Although the wool may cover
+      Not more than half the beast,
+    Perhaps when all is over
+      He'll be entirely fleeced.
+
+    W. W.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "MAGNIFICENT BEQUEST TO THE LOUVRE. Sunspot Visible to the Naked
+    Eye."
+
+    _Times._
+
+France seems to have acquired Germany's spot in the sun.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Ethel (in apprehensive whisper which easily reaches her
+German governess, to whom she is deeply attached)._ "MOTHER, SHALL WE
+HAVE TO KILL FRAeULEIN?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+REASONING IN THE RANKS.
+
+[_Several journals have pointed out that the type of recruit now
+offering himself is in a high degree capable of reasoning and
+initiative._]
+
+"Now I want any of you who are puzzled about anything to ask questions
+about it," said the instructing sergeant-major ... and anon:
+
+"Right about, Number 3 of the front rank! There is no such thing as left
+about turn. Squad, form----"
+
+"Excuse me," interrupted Number 3, "but why do you say that there is no
+such thing as left about turn?"
+
+"Because there isn't," said the sergeant-major unsympathetically.
+
+"But, my good man," urged Number 3, "there must be. I've just done it.
+Why, look here!"
+
+He did it again.
+
+"Such a movement is not in the drill-book," said the sergeant-major
+curtly.
+
+"But," protested Number 3, "you told us yourself only yesterday that
+very few of the total possible commands _are_ in the drill-book. For
+instance, there is no provision for lining a railway embankment, often,
+I understand, a salutary and even vital evolution."
+
+The sergeant-major considered.
+
+"There's no use," he said at last weightily, "'avin' _two_ ways of doin'
+anything when one will do. It is generally considered that right about
+turn is enough ways of turning about for any one man."
+
+"By all means," admitted the recruit generously, "let us be frugal.
+Frugality is the mainspring of efficiency. One way of turning about is
+ample for me. But why right rather than left?"
+
+"Because right's right, and that's all there is to it," said the
+sergeant-major, who was tiring of the argument.
+
+"Exactly," admitted Number 3, "and left's left, and _that_ leaves us
+just where we started. Now if the War Office had tossed up and made a
+general decision in favour of right I could understand the position. But
+my impression is that this is not so. Thus, if I were to step off with
+the right foot----"
+
+"Shut your face," said the sergeant-major, "and do what you're told.
+Squad! A-bout---- Turn!"
+
+"Reasoning," observed Number 3, "is lost upon yonder survival of the old
+school of stereotyped militarism. The hour for initiative has arrived."
+
+And by way of protest he executed a neat left about turn.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GUNS OF VERDUN
+
+    Guns of Verdun point to Metz
+    From the plated parapets;
+    Guns of Metz grin back again
+    O'er the fields of fair Lorraine.
+
+    Guns of Metz are long and grey
+    Growling through a summer day;
+    Guns of Verdun, grey and long,
+    Boom an echo of their song.
+
+    Guns of Metz to Verdun roar,
+    "Sisters, you shall foot the score;"
+    Guns of Verdun say to Metz,
+    "Fear not, for we pay our debts."
+
+    Guns of Metz they grumble, "When?"
+    Guns of Verdun answer then,
+    "Sisters, when to guard Lorraine
+    Gunners lay you East again!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: AT THE POST OF HONOUR.
+
+LIBERTY (_to Belgium_)--"TAKE COMFORT. YOUR COURAGE IS VINDICATED; YOUR
+WRONGS SHALL BE AVENGED."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+(EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.)
+
+_House of Lords, Tuesday, Aug. 25._--After fortnight's recess Parliament
+meets again. Scene mightily changed. At time of adjournment country on
+brink of war. Now in thick of it.
+
+Contrary to custom interest centred in Chamber at this end of corridor.
+Man of the moment is the tall strongly-framed figure that enters on
+stroke of appointed hour and marches with soldierly step to Ministerial
+Bench. This is KITCHENER, Secretary of State for War, primed with
+message from the Army which, making its first stand at Mons, had a
+baptism of fire that lasted thirty-six hours.
+
+With characteristic modesty the new Minister seated himself at lower end
+of Bench. CREWE presently arriving signalled him to come up higher.
+Accordingly seated himself next to LEADER OF HOUSE. Thence rose at
+half-past four to make his maiden speech, a deliverance effected under
+rarely momentous circumstances. Brought with him one of those "scraps of
+paper" which the KAISER scorns when they contain such trifling matter as
+a solemn treaty with a neighbouring nation. On this KITCHENER, more at
+home on the battlefield than in a place where a man's business is to
+talk, had written his speech.
+
+It was brief, manly, simple. Made haste to point out that, though
+associated with the Cabinet, holding high office in the Government, his
+appearance on the Ministerial Bench did not imply that he belonged to
+any political party.
+
+"As a soldier," he said, "I have no politics."
+
+House startled to hear him add that his occupation of the post of
+Secretary of State for War is temporary. Terms of his service are those
+of the recruits for the new Army. He is engaged to serve during the war.
+If it lasts longer than three years, then for three years only.
+
+Faced by grim suggestion that the war just opening may last for three
+years, a deeper gravity fell over listening House. KITCHENER
+pre-eminently a man who knows what he is talking about. And here he was
+in level tones, unruffled manner, taking into account the contingency of
+the war lasting three years.
+
+That this was no idle conjecture, rather a well-thought-out possibility
+intelligently provided for, appeared when he went on to describe how the
+contingency must be faced. The enemy had already brought his full
+resources into the field. It was a maximum which, after a succession of
+days like last Sunday, must necessarily diminish. On the other hand,
+whilst we have put a comparatively small force afoot, there is behind
+it, at home and in the Colonies, a vast reserve which, diligently
+trained and organised, will steadily reinforce the fighting line. In the
+course of six or seven months there will be a total of thirty divisions,
+continually kept up to full fighting strength.
+
+Nor was that all.
+
+"If," said the soldier-Minister, "the war be protracted, and if its
+fortune be varied or adverse, exertions and sacrifices beyond any
+already demanded will be required from the whole nation and Empire."
+
+Ominous words increasing prevalent gloom. At least satisfactory to know
+that in his official communications KITCHENER will always cheer us by
+presenting to closest view the worst that has actually happened or is
+possibly in store.
+
+_Business done._--KITCHENER makes his maiden speech.
+
+Illustration: ANOTHER "SCRAP OF PAPER." (K. of K.)
+
+_House of Commons, Wednesday._--No one looking in on House this
+afternoon would imagine that the country is engaged in an armed fight,
+issues of which will in one direction or another transform the aspect of
+Europe. Atmosphere unruffled. "Business as usual" the order of the day.
+
+Pretty full attendance considering House has with brief intervals been
+in session since February and meets again at what in normal times would
+be period of full recess. PREMIER on Treasury Bench at opening of
+sitting. Having answered a few questions, withdrew to his private room
+and was no more seen.
+
+LLOYD GEORGE, left in charge, moved through various stages series of
+emergency measures.
+
+On Currency and Bank Note Bill question of design of new twenty-shilling
+and ten-shilling notes came up. Some disrespectful things said of it.
+CHANCELLOR OF EXCHEQUER admitted its imperfection but pleaded that in
+the hurried circumstances of the day it was the best that could be done.
+Exception especially taken on score that the design made forgery easy.
+Here the CHANCELLOR differed.
+
+"I have been told by an expert in these matters," he said, with the
+pleased air of one recalling the dictum of a respected friend, "that the
+plainer the design on a note the more difficult it is to forge it."
+
+All the same the notes are to be called in and replaced.
+
+_Business done._--Second reading of Bill giving Government blank cheque
+for meeting expenses of war carried without debate or division.
+
+_Thursday._--PREMIER'S surpassing gift of speech, equally concise and
+eloquent, never more brilliantly displayed than this afternoon. Proposed
+Resolution conveying expression of sympathy and admiration for heroic
+resistance offered by the Belgian Army and people to wanton invasion of
+their territory. In speech that occupied less than ten minutes in
+delivery the PREMIER, himself moved to loftiest pitch of righteous
+indignation, touched deepest feelings of a crowded House.
+
+Referring to Great Britain's intervention in "a quarrel in which it had
+no direct concern," he pointed out that the country threw away the
+scabbard only when confronted by necessity of choice between keeping and
+breaking solemn obligations, between the discharge of a binding trust
+and a shameless subservience.
+
+A deep-throated cheer approved his emphatic declaration, "We do not
+repent our decision."
+
+Cheers rang forth again when in another fine passage he said, "The
+Belgians have won for themselves the immortal glory which belongs to a
+people who prefer freedom to ease, to security, even to life itself. We
+are proud of their alliance and their friendship. We salute them with
+respect and honour. We are with them heart and soul."
+
+Difficult to follow outburst of genuine eloquence like this, delivered
+with thrilling force. BONAR LAW in equally brief speech voiced hearty
+acquiescence of Opposition in Resolution. JOHN REDMOND, associating
+Ireland whole-heartedly with it, made practical suggestion, that,
+instead of lending Belgium ten millions as proposed, we should hand the
+money over to her as a free gift, an instalment of a just debt.
+
+_Business done._--More Emergency Bills advanced by stages. Ominous hint
+of fresh taxation dropped by CHANCELLOR.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: FOR NEUTRAL CONSUMPTION.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: GERMAN KAISER. "We are not satisfied with Our moustache;
+it seems to need support on the Eastern side."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BLANCHE'S LETTERS
+
+THE WAR SPIRIT
+
+    _Park Lane._
+
+DEAREST DAPHNE,--There was a big party of us at the Clackmannans' Scotch
+place, Blairbinkie, when all these fearful things began to happen--and
+now where are we all? The Flummery boys and ever so many more of the
+party are at the front with their regiments. The Duke of Clackmannan is
+at the head of the Clackmannan Yeomanry. Norty's gone off to help take
+care of the East coast, and it's lucky to have _him_ helping to protect
+it and keep watch, for if there's _anybody_ who could see things coming
+sooner than anybody else it's Norty!
+
+Stella, Beryl, Babs and your Blanche are all back in Town, and when
+we're not taking lessons in nursing we're sewing at flannel. I make
+Yvonne do my hair quite, _quite_ plainly, and I'm giving my jewels to my
+country. I've already given my dear collar of pearls. I gave that first
+because I love it best of all my jewels, because it can _never_ be
+replaced, and because pearls suit me better than _any_ other stone.
+
+All our first fingers are covered with pricks and look immensely horrid,
+but we glory in it and won't even put any cold cream on them! As I said
+yesterday afternoon, when we were all sewing away at flannel, if _any_
+woman, I don't care _who_, offered me her hand and I saw that the first
+finger was _smooth_ I'd refuse to take it! Beryl must needs weigh in
+with, "But, my dear Blanche, she wouldn't offer you her _left_ hand!
+It's the _left_ forefinger that gets punished in needlework." "The
+principle is the same," I answered coldly. "And besides, some people are
+left-handed." Beryl has decent qualities, I know, and one doesn't want
+to find fault with anyone just now, but she was always like that--and
+her _hemming_, dearest!
+
+Babs is wild to go to the front, but I say she'd be only a nuisance
+until she knows more about nursing. Someone told me the other day,
+_a propos_ of untrained women going to the front and hindering instead of
+helping, that during the last war a poor dear in one of the hospitals
+had his hair parted _fifty_ times in an hour by _fifty_ different
+people, and nearly got brain-fever.
+
+There was a man in the party at Blairbinkie who, before we were at war,
+talked _fervidly_ of what he should do for his country if trouble came.
+I had not liked Hector Swankington the least little bit before that, but
+when he said that, in the event of war, he would raise a troop at his
+own expense, call it "Swankington's Horse" and lead it himself "wherever
+the fighting was hottest," I thought I'd not done him justice. So I
+listened to him and approved and encouraged the plan. And then the storm
+burst and we all scattered. The other morning I met him in the Park when
+I was taking my early walk. He asked if I would dine with him some
+evening at the "Iridescent," and I said it was not a time for dining at
+restaurants. "No," he agreed, "it certainly isn't now all the French
+cooks are gone; and what an idiotic idea this is about reducing the
+number of courses at dinner! Silly rot, I call it!"
+
+I ignored this and asked, "What about 'Swankington's Horse'?"
+
+"Oh! that's all off," he said huffily. "I wrote to the authorities about
+raising the troop, asked what State recognition I should get, and
+enclosed a drawing of the hat I meant to wear as leader--a ripping
+scheme, turned up at one side and with a bunch of feathers. All the
+answer I got was a few brief words of acknowledgment and a request to
+set about it at once and report myself somewhere or other. Not a word of
+the State recognition I was to receive, and the drawing of the hat
+returned with 'Not approved' scrawled across it. So I've chucked the
+whole business. And now don't let us talk of _that_ any more!"
+
+I gave him my freezing look (you've never seen my freezing look,
+dearest--it's _terrible_!) and I said with a little calm deadly manner
+that I very, _very_ seldom use, "I've no wish to talk to you of
+_that_--or of anything else--ever again." And I left him.
+
+The party at Blairbinkie that scattered almost as soon as it assembled
+was by way of being a farewell to the old place, for the Clackmannans
+had virtually sold it to a Mr. Spragg, of Pittsburg. He was going to
+have the old castle taken across in bits and set up again in
+Pennsylvania; and he was taking all the family portraits, the mausoleum,
+the old trees in the park and the stags at a valuation, as well as the
+village itself with all its cottages and people, in order that the
+castle might have its proper _setting_ out there. There were two more
+things he wanted included in the bargain--a village idiot and a family
+ghost ("hereditary spectre," he called it).
+
+Ah, my dear! all this belongs to the happy old days of a hundred years
+ago, when we were all three or four weeks younger. The man from
+Pittsburg, so far from being able to buy Blairbinkie, hardly knows where
+to look for his next meal, and as for shipping castles and trees and
+mausoleums and village idiots and family ghosts across the Atlantic he
+only wishes he could get _himself_ across, even if he had to work his
+passage!
+
+Josiah is at the uttermost ends of the earth. He went in June, about
+rubber-mines or oil-concessions, I'm not sure which. I had a cable from
+him the other day from a place that began with "Boo" and ended with
+"atty"--I forget what came between. He told me not to be anxious, that
+he'd get back when and how he could. My answer was, "Not anxious.
+Wherever you are you'd better stay there, or you may get taken prisoner
+by those creatures, and then I'd never forgive you!"
+
+Talking of prisoners reminds me of a rumour about the
+Bullyon-Boundermeres. They were cruising somewhere in their new big
+steam-yacht when war broke out, and now there's a report that the enemy
+have taken the yacht and turned it into a cruiser; that the
+Bullyon-Boundermere people are prisoners on board, and that they're
+making _her_ wash dishes and forcing _him_ to work as a stoker or a
+bulkhead or some fearful thing of that kind! This is not _official_, my
+dear, but I give it you for what it's worth.
+
+I called a little meeting here yesterday about a scheme of mine. Beryl
+and Babs and your Blanche and several more of us are really _crack_
+shots, and I want to form us into a band of rifle-women and ask the
+Powers that be to let us guard some important place--a bridge or a bank
+or a powder magazine. We should wear a distinctive uniform, and we
+wouldn't let anyone come _near_! Babs said she hoped the uniform would
+be smart and becoming, but I soon shut her up. "This is not a time to
+think of cut or colour," I told her. "Myself, I shouldn't care _how_ my
+uniform was cut--even if the _shoulder_ seams were at the _elbows_. And
+as for colour I'd wear _grass-green_, though it's a colour in which I
+look a mere _fiend_, if it would help my country!" And Beryl and Babs
+cried and kissed me.
+
+    Ever thine,
+    BLANCHE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _The Lady of the House_, "JUST THE PERSON I WANTED TO
+SEE. I'VE STARTED TEN COMMITTEES IN CONNECTION WITH THE WAR AND I WANT
+YOUR HELP."
+
+_Visitor._ "MY _DEAR_! I'VE JUST STARTED TWELVE AND I SIMPLY _COUNTED_
+ON YOU!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Suez Canal has brought St. Helena much closer than in
+    Napoleonic days."
+
+    _T.P.'s Weekly._
+
+In the same way the opening of the Panama Canal has made Heligoland much
+more adjacent than in Lord SALISBURY'S days.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ODE TO JOHN BRADBURY.
+
+(_The new notes for_ L1 _and_ 10s. _are signed by JOHN BRADBURY._)
+
+    When the Red KAISER, swoll'n with impious pride
+      And stuffed with texts to serve his instant need,
+    Took Shame for partner and Disgrace for guide,
+      Earned to the full the hateful traitor's meed,
+          And bade his hordes advance
+    Through Belgium's cities towards the fields of France;
+    And when at last our patient island race,
+          By the attempted wrong
+          Made fierce and strong,
+    Flung back the challenge in the braggart's face,
+    Oh then, while martial music filled the air,
+      Clarion and fife and bagpipe and the drum,
+    Calling to men to muster, march, and dare,
+      Oh, then thy day, JOHN BRADBURY, was come.
+
+    JOHN BRADBURY, the Muse shall fill my strain
+      To sing thy praises; thou hadst spent thy time
+    Not idly, nor hadst lived thy life in vain,
+      Unfitted for the guerdon of my rhyme.
+    For lo, the Funds went sudden crashing down,
+      And men grew pale with monetary fear,
+          And in the toppling mart
+          The stoutest heart
+    Melted, and fortunes seemed to disappear;
+    And some, forgetting their austere renown,
+          Went mad and sold
+    Whate'er they could and wildly called for Gold!
+
+    "Since through no fault of ours the die was cast
+          We shall go forth and fight
+          In death's despite
+    And shall return victorious at the last;
+          But how, ah how," they said,
+          "Shall we and ours be fed
+    And clothed and housed from dreary day to day,
+    If, while our hearths grow cold, we have no coin to pay?"
+
+    Then thou, where no gold was and little store
+      Of silver, didst appear and wave thy pen,
+          And with thy signature
+          Make things secure,
+    Bidding us all pluck up our hearts once more
+      And face our foolish fancied fears like men.
+    "I give you notes," you said, "of different kinds
+          To ease your anxious minds:
+    The one is black and shall be fairly found
+    Equal in value to a golden pound;
+    The other--mark its healthy scarlet print--
+    Is worth a full half-sovereign from the Mint."
+
+    Thus didst thou speak--at least I think thou didst--
+          And, lo, the murmurs fell
+          And all things went right well,
+    While thy notes fluttered in our happy midst.
+    Therefore our grateful hearts go forth to thee,
+    Our British note-provider, brave JOHN BRADBURY!
+
+R. C. L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "BELGIUM.--Can any member let me know as to what kind of weather to
+    expect in Belgium towards the end of October, and as to the
+    condition of the roads? I and my wife propose going a tandem tour at
+    that time in the Ardennes, Luxembourg, etc. Are most of the hotels
+    shut for the season at that time? Would the north of France be
+    preferable?--G. J."--_C. T. C. Gazette._
+
+This gentleman is evidently particular. We are half afraid he will not
+get quite what he wants.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE COLUMN OF ADVENTURE.
+
+Even _The Times'_ "agony column," my staple reading during
+toast-and-marmalade, suffers from the all-pervading war. Old friends
+have dropped out of the column on its war march. No longer does the
+Young Gentleman yearning for the idyllic life call on the charitable to
+provide him with a year of perfect ease, comfort and luxury. I had hoped
+to meet him some day, to draw out his confidences, perchance to edit his
+memoirs. "My Check is My Fortune" would be a catchy title. But
+apparently the War has put him out of business. The idyllic life has
+gone. Another victim.
+
+His place is being filled by the Sportsman, eager to be up and
+shooting--partridges. "Either singly or with a house party," he offers.
+He asks only for board, lodging and ammunition. These provided, he is
+willing to go for the enemy all September and October.
+
+Another Sportsman, humbler in aspiration, is prepared to specialise on
+rabbits. He is ready to continue the fight until "Peace terms dictated
+in Berlin by Allies."
+
+There has also arisen the Professional Rescuer. He offers to go
+abroad--for a cash consideration--and smuggle back stranded relatives.
+He does not give particulars of personal appearance, but one may imagine
+him as essentially Williamlequeuish--small dark moustache, super-shrewd
+eyes, Homburg hat, a revolver in every pocket, speaking six languages
+more fluently than the natives, and on terms of intimacy with half the
+diplomats of Europe. He would open his conversation with a casual: "The
+last time I was chatting with the KAISER (I shall, of course, cut him in
+future)...."
+
+Another occupation has been called into being by the War. It is that of
+Berth-Snatcher. He is apparently a City man who has realised all his
+securities and invested them in berths and staterooms on Atlantic
+Liners. These he now offers "at a small bonus"--exact amount unstated.
+
+Also interesting is the occupation of Amateur Adviser. He has much
+well-intentioned advice to offer to all and sundry: "To the War Office.
+It is hoped that something is being done regarding," etc. Or: "Japan,
+our Ally, could easily lend us half a million men."
+
+Presumably the Amateur Adviser has been denied place in the
+correspondence columns.
+
+The Young Hungarian Nobleman, whose remittances have been stopped by the
+war, is reminiscent of the original yearner for the idyllic life. "Is
+supposed to be of good appearance," he states with obtrusive modesty.
+
+But the romantic halo around these young aristocrats is rather tarnished
+by the Young French Vicomte. When he advertises that he "would
+thankfully accept some clothes from English or American gentlemen," one
+suspects a snug little second-hand business somewhere in savoury Soho.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a letter in _The Bristol Evening Times_:--
+
+    "Only last evening I was passing through one of our main
+    thoroughfares, and saw seven or eight Territorials taking
+    refreshment in the backbone. I ask in fairness, Is this the
+    backbone. I ask in fairness, is this patriotic?"
+
+In fairness we reply. It is neither.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The old Latinist has it, 'Deos vult pedere prius dementas.'"
+
+    _Manx Chronicle._
+
+How one's Latin slips from one with advancing age! But he must have been
+very old.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Scheldt can easily be damned."--_Daily Chronicle._
+
+So can the KAISER, but it isn't enough to say so.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Ex-Teuton (to landlady)._ "ACH! MADAME, EET IS ALL
+RIGHT! I VOS ENGLEESH NOW! I HAVE TO-DAY MEIN PAPERS OF NATIONALIZATION
+TO YOUR HOME OFFICE SENT OFF. DERE VOS SEVERAL OATHS BY HALF-A-DOZEN
+PEOPLES TO BE SVORN. IT VOS A TREMENDOUS AFFAIRS!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HEROES.
+
+Once upon a time, many years ago--how many I cannot say, but certainly
+it must have been before the Christian era--there lived a sublime
+Emperor. After being for long the warmest, if platonic, friend of Peace,
+and forcing the world to listen to his loud protestations of fidelity,
+he suddenly surprised his hearers by declaring war.
+
+It was shortly after the opening of hostilities that he was seated on
+his throne presenting awards of merit to the bravest of his brave
+soldiers. The hall was filled with martial enthusiasm, and the memorable
+scene was one in which splendour, animation and the confidence of
+rectitude were equally notable.
+
+The Emperor's noble Vizier, to whose massive mind treaties were of no
+more consequence than waste paper, stood at the side of his Imperial
+Master to act as introducer of the gallant soldiers whose exploits (with
+which the world was ringing) it had been decided to reward although so
+early in the campaign--_pour encourager les autres_.
+
+"The first decorations," remarked the Vizier, "are for deeds of signal
+courage."
+
+He motioned to a stalwart warrior. "This noble son of the Empire," he
+said, "with his own bow shot six non-combatants within as many minutes."
+
+Loud cheers rent the air.
+
+"Three of them," the Vizier continued, "were women."
+
+Louder cheers.
+
+"The other three were old men over seventy."
+
+Immense enthusiasm.
+
+"This determined hacker-through," the Vizier continued, as another giant
+stood forth, "shot an unarmed priest."
+
+More enthusiasm.
+
+"And," added the Vizier, "burned his temple."
+
+Amid the plaudits of the flower of the Stale the monarch affixed the
+cherished tokens to the heroes' breasts. "My Braves!" he exclaimed. "In
+the name of the Fatherland I thank you."
+
+Another warrior stepped out and saluted.
+
+"And what, my friend," asked the monarch, "did you do?"
+
+"Nothing, Sire," he replied with the unaffected simplicity of the man of
+action; "I merely stamped on some little children--twins, I think."
+
+"Two medals for that," said the Emperor with ready wit, and there was
+not a wet eye as he placed them in their proud position.
+
+The Vizier beckoned to a youthful officer on whose lip the down was
+hardly yet visible. But though young in years he was already every inch
+a soldier of his country.
+
+"This gallant gentleman," said the Vizier, "unaided, and at great
+personal risk, shot a baby in arms."
+
+"In arms?" asked the monarch sharply. "Surely that mitigates the
+heroism?"
+
+"I meant in its mother's arms," the Vizier hastily explained.
+
+"Ah!" said the Emperor with a sigh of relief, "that reassures me." And
+amid profound excitement he embraced the soldier, pinned the coveted
+badge to his breast and bade him quickly return to the front to carry on
+the great work.
+
+"The next reward is for resource in emergency," said the master of
+ceremonies an hour or so later.
+
+He beckoned to a superb officer, splendid in his trappings--a blue-eyed
+colossus of nearly six-feet-six.
+
+"This highborn Captain," said the Vizier, "snatched some women from
+their beds and pushed them before his men so that the enemy should not
+shoot."
+
+The hall resounded with applause.
+
+"'Twas a brilliant thought," said the Emperor. "Not only will we
+decorate him for intelligence, but for valour."
+
+"The last is for chivalry, Sire," said the master of the ceremonies,
+indicating the remaining award.
+
+An officer stood forth.
+
+"This warrior," said the Vizier, "ordered his men to trample down some
+public flower-beds in the enemy's capital."
+
+"Bravely done," said the Emperor. "A great and imaginative lesson. We'll
+learn them to resist invasion!"
+
+Amid renewed demonstrations of loyalty and fervour the Emperor brought
+the proceedings to a close.
+
+"Among so many deeds of valour," he said, "I find it impossible to say
+which is the most splendid. All are glorious. I am in a position to
+assure you that Heaven is proud of you. The Fatherland also is proud of
+you, and, above all, I am proud of you. May the blessings of Heaven
+continue to fall upon our great and merciful campaign for the right!"
+
+With these words the proceedings terminated and the heroes hurried back
+to the fighting line, eager to win more laurels by similar feats of
+culture.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SIDELIGHTS ON THE WAR.
+
+It is frequently remarked that the present war will be far-reaching in
+its consequences. The truth of this is apparent from the following
+notices, gathered at random from the column of "Personal Paragraphs"
+which the Editor of _The Shrimpington-on-Sea Gazette_ publishes weekly,
+without charge, thereby earning the reputation of a patriot:--
+
+IN CONSEQUENCE OF the present crisis in the Money Market, Mrs. Pincham
+desires to give notice that she hereby disclaims all liability for any
+debts contracted by her at Bridge, and the same will not be paid.
+
+THIS IS TO SAY THAT, owing to the war and my pocket-money being stopped
+because I broke the dining-room window, if Jackson Minor does not pay me
+the balance of sixpence remaining for his half-share of the white rabbit
+we both bought last term, his half of the rabbit will be sold and the
+proceeds kept by the undersigned, SMITH TERTIUS.
+
+LADY STRAITER regrets to be obliged to announce that, in consequence of
+the perilous financial situation in Europe, she will be forced to
+discontinue her subscription of 2_s._ 6_d._ per annum to the Society for
+the Relief of Distressed Dustmen.
+
+MR. ALURED DE MORTIMER TALBOT-HOWARD-ST. MAUR begs to inform his many
+friends and the general public that the above is his real name, and that
+he is proud to say he is by birth and descent an Englishman. The
+spiteful rumours which allege that he originally kept a pawnbroker's
+shop in Hamburg, where his name was Wilhelm Guggelheimer, are merely the
+inventions of malicious persons who are envious of his property and
+social position.
+
+As the Shrimpington-on-Sea Golf Course has been entirely ploughed-up
+(with the exception of the greens) and planted with onions, turnips,
+cabbages, and beetroot, to increase our national food-supply, all
+members are requested to play in rubber-soled shoes only during the next
+two months, so as not to damage the growing crops.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"MY AUNT."
+
+Illustration: SHOULD THE TELEPHONE BE USED EXCEPT UNDER MEDICAL
+ADVICE?
+
+    _Mrs. Martingale_    Miss LOTTIE VENNE.
+    _Dr. Sweette_        Mr. ERNEST HENDRIE.
+
+       ***
+
+Really, the only question to ask oneself of this adaptation from the
+French is "Is it funny enough?" With so much being offered by the
+newsboy outside the Vaudeville that is not at all funny, it would be
+pleasant to find inside the doors a little relief from the world.
+
+I will give the authors the benefit of any doubt I may have felt now and
+then, and say that _My Aunt_ serves its purpose. In places it made us
+all laugh a good deal, and I don't think we were prepared to be easily
+amused; although (for a reason which still escapes me) there was a
+sudden burst of clapping when _Aubrey Braxton_ announced that he had
+received an "ultimatum" from _Suzanne_. The latter part of the Second
+Act is particularly well worked up, and one remark of _Aubrey's_ to
+_Leslie Tarbolton_ brought down the house. ("You are the sort of man who
+would go to call on a sick friend ... and eat his grapes.") The Third
+Act is terribly padded with things which are not really funny, but it
+gives us an opportunity of seeing a little more of Miss LOTTIE VENNE, to
+whom the authors had not previously been generous. (I love Miss VENNE'S
+voice and I love her manner of waving her arms in the air. It was
+delightful to see and listen to her again.)
+
+For the best parts of the first two Acts, then; for Miss LOTTIE VENNE'S
+voice; above all, for Mr. A. W. BASKCOMB'S face, _My Aunt_ is worth
+while. As _Aubrey Braxton_ Mr. BASKCOMB--the never-to-be-forgotten
+_Slightly_ of so many Christmasses--goes through all the many troubles
+of a hero of farce with his own inimitable air of hopeless resignation.
+I hope that his efforts will not be unrewarded, and that the management
+will find that, without rivalling the success of that other aunt,
+Charley's, they will yet for some time be able to play to good "business
+as usual."
+
+  M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH'S HOLIDAY STORIES.
+
+III.--THE FIGHT OF THE CENTURY.
+
+(Concluded.)
+
+    [_SYNOPSIS OF PRECEDING INSTALMENT:--The great boxing boom is at its
+    height. A fight arranged between Smasher Mike and the famous
+    heavyweight champion. Mauler Mills, is arousing intense excitement
+    throughout the country. Nothing whatever is known of the Smasher,
+    and the betting is therefore 100 to 1 against him. Young Lord
+    Tamerton is at this time in desperate financial straits. His bosom
+    friend, Ralph Wonderson, who is in love with his sister, the
+    beautiful Lady Margaret Tamerton, prevails upon him to wager heavily
+    on Smasher Mike, and undertakes to put him in the way of obtaining a
+    loan of L5,000 for this purpose. Their conversation is overheard by
+    an agent of Sir Ernest Scrivener,_ alias _Marmaduke Moorsdyke, who
+    is the mortal enemy of Wonderson and is plotting to get Lady
+    Margaret Tamerton in his power._]
+
+The vast area of Corinthia was crammed with eager spectators, whose eyes
+were concentrated with feverish intensity on the raised platform in the
+centre of the hall. In the seats near the ring, for each of which a
+hundred guineas had been charged, sat the cream of Britain's
+aristocracy, including Lord Tamerton and Lady Margaret Tamerton, for
+whom two tickets in a plain envelope had been left that morning.
+
+At last the preliminaries came to an end and Smasher Mike, clad in a
+claret-coloured dressing-gown with yellow facings, crawled through the
+ropes and went to his corner. As he raised his face to the lights a
+murmur of amazement ran through the hall.
+
+"_It's Ralph Wonderson!_" Lady Margaret gripped her brother's arm till
+the perspiration stood out on his forehead.
+
+"_It's Ralph Wonderson!_" The whisper passed from lip to lip, merging
+presently into a burst of cheering as Mauler Mills scrambled up to the
+platform, wearing an electric-blue dressing-gown with green facings and
+pink sash.
+
+Ralph sat motionless in his corner, watching his gigantic adversary with
+a pleasant smile and softly whistling the air of a popular song. At
+length the referee leisurely entered the ring. As he did so, Ralph gave
+a violent start and Lady Margaret gripped her brother's arm till his
+teeth chattered. _The referee was not the popular Algernon Mittens, as
+had been announced, but Sir Ernest Scrivener!_
+
+Lord Tamerton stared up at the ring with ashen lips. With such an
+official in charge nothing but a miracle could save Ralph Wonderson from
+being disqualified in the first round. The House of Tamerton was more
+utterly ruined than ever.
+
+But in thirty seconds Ralph, trained in many sports to meet all
+emergencies, had summed up the situation and decided upon his course of
+action.
+
+The gong sounded and the two pugilists advanced warily towards each
+other. Suddenly Ralph lashed out a terrific right which, as he intended,
+missed the Mauler by a foot. Unable, apparently, to retain his balance,
+he swung completely round with the impetus of the blow, and his clenched
+fist landed squarely upon the referee's jaw. Sir Ernest shot high over
+the ropes and crashed down on the Dowager Duchess of Cumbersea, whence
+he rebounded with terrible force into the arms of the Marquis of
+Meltington.
+
+After a brief delay all three were removed to the hospital.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The fight, under a new referee, was in its twentieth round. Not a sound
+could be heard beyond the shuffling of the pugilists' feet and the thud
+of fist on flesh.
+
+Feinting with his left, the Mauler clinched heavily with his right, but
+Ralph foiled the attack with a clever half-nelson. Again Mills swung his
+right, and again Ralph parried the blow, this time by sending his left
+to the funny-bone and thus paralysing the arm. He then dashed in and
+uppercut his opponent severely on the occiput. Mauler Mills staggered to
+the ropes, to which he clung frantically in order to preserve his
+balance.
+
+A savage roar went up from the crowd, roused now to a pitch of frenzied
+excitement. "Now you've got him! Finish him! Put him out!" they shouted.
+
+But Ralph, chivalrous as always, drew back, bowed formally to his
+opponent and quietly awaited his recovery.
+
+Presently, after a courteous enquiry and an assurance from the Mauler
+that he was quite ready, the pair exchanged a warm handshake and renewed
+their combat.
+
+Taking a deep breath, Ralph advanced with cat-like tread and flashing
+eyes upon his adversary. Knowing from painful experience what to expect,
+the latter circled cautiously away, covering his face with his hands.
+But Ralph, realising that time was short, determined not to be baffled.
+Combining the agility of the chamois with the ponderous strength of the
+hippopotamus, he crouched low and sprang like a tiger through the air
+upon the unhappy Mauler, striking him full on the solar plexus. White to
+the lips, the Mauler fell squirming to the floor, while Ralph
+nonchalantly adjusted a lock of hair which had floated loose.
+
+"_One--two--three ..._" the voice of the referee was like the voice of
+inexorable Fate ... "_four--five--six ..._" Lady Margaret gripped her
+brother's arm till his hair stood on end ... "_seven--eight ..._" The
+Countess of Snecks fainted with a loud shriek ... "_nine--Out_"!
+
+The great fight was won. The House of Tamerton was saved.
+
+Clad in his claret-coloured dressing-gown, the new champion pressed his
+_fiancee_ against the yellow facings and stroked her fair hair fondly
+with his boxing-gloves.
+
+"My little wife!" he whispered.
+
+And the vast area of Corinthia rang with emotional cheers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Sentry (suddenly appearing)._ "HALT! WHO GOES THERE?"
+
+_Brown._ "ER--SEASON!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+Far too rarely does the conscientious reviewer enjoy such a chance as
+has come to me now, a chance to let himself go in the matter of praise
+without stint or reservation. As a reward doubtless for some of my many
+unrecorded good deeds, there has come into my hands a slender volume
+called _Naval Occasions_ (BLACKWOOD), which seems to me to be the most
+entirely satisfactory and, indeed, fascinating thing of its kind that
+ever I read. The writer chooses for his own sufficient reasons to
+disguise himself as "BARTIMEUS," and under that name I have to ask him
+to accept my very sincere gratitude. The little book contains
+twenty-five sketches, mostly quite short, relating to (I quote its text,
+taken from the Articles of War) "the Navy, whereon, under the good
+Providence of God, the wealth, safety, and strength of the Kingdom
+chiefly depend." Never surely did a book appear so aptly. At a moment
+like this, when the dullest collection of naval facts can stir the
+pulse, such pages as these, full of the actual life and work of the men
+who are safeguarding us all, deserve a public as vast as the Empire
+itself. The appeal of them is amazing, for their art is of so concealed
+a quality that the writing seems simplicity itself. To say that they
+bring the atmosphere of salt winds and the tang of the sea, is nothing;
+a skilful novel about Margate sands would deserve this praise; it is in
+their humanity that the charm lies, the sense of courage and comradeship
+and high endeavour that is in every one of them. You will laugh often as
+you read; and sometimes, quite suddenly, you will find yourself with a
+prickly feeling at the back of the eyes, because of the tears that are
+in these things; but they are the proud kind, never the sloppily
+sentimental. And at the end I am mistaken in you if you do not close the
+book with the rare and moving sensation that you have found something of
+which you can say, as I myself did, "This is absolutely It!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Amongst the thousands of helpful suggestions for the conduct of war
+which have recently filled the columns of the daily press, I do not
+remember having seen any scheme for supplying the officers of the Allied
+Armies with an Irish terrier apiece. And yet if MARIE VON VORST is to be
+trusted, this is a very serious omission, for, had it not been for
+_Pitchoune_, I fear that the gallant hero of _His Love Story_ (MILLS AND
+BOON) would have perished in the Sahara and never have won the lady of
+his heart. The _Comte de Sabron_ was forbidden by his military orders to
+take a dog with him to Algiers, but _Pitchoune_ ran all the way from
+Tarascon to Marseilles and jumped into the boat. Subsequently, when his
+master was lying wounded in the desert, he tracked down the nearest
+native village--twelve hours away--and barked till they sent out a
+relief expedition. A boy scout could not do more, and, though my own
+experience of Irish terriers has led me to think that they do not spend
+over much time in the study of ordnance maps, yet for sentiment's sake,
+and because _His Love Story_ is a charmingly written romance, I am ready
+to believe in all the feats of _Pitchoune_, and even to hope that he
+will not after all be _de trop_ now that _M. le Comte_ is happily
+wedded, but may have another brilliantly successful campaign in front of
+him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Although Mrs. PENROSE'S new novel, _Something Impossible_ (MILLS AND
+BOON), gaily admits in its title its difficulties, I cannot pretend that
+I consider her to have made the most of her opportunity. There are at
+least two classic examples of her theme, Mr. ANSTEY'S _Vice Versa_ and
+Mr. DE LA MARE'S _Return_. Mrs. PENROSE cannot approach either the
+charming humour of the one or the delicate beauty of the other. On a
+lower plane her story has its amusing moments, and there is a vein of
+real tenderness in her picture of the relations of her hero and his
+faithful lady--a happy relief after the monotonous repetition of
+matrimonial infidelities dealt out to us by the average novel. It will
+be a consolation also to many readers to discover that plain people are
+far more popular than handsome ones and that to "have features of
+classical beauty" is the most unfortunate of handicaps in the race for
+comfort and success. Mrs. PENROSE, like many other women novelists, is
+very cruel to her own sex and never misses an opportunity of exposing
+its shallow sentiments and transient affections. But why are all
+novelists of to-day so merciless to the provincial town? There must be
+some pleasant people in Cathedral cities. I am weary of retired colonels
+with port-stained faces, and vinegary old maids, and unctuous canons.
+Mrs. PENROSE has shown in her earlier books so real a sense of beauty
+and so touching a spirit of kindliness that I am bound to confess that,
+with the exception of her treatment of her hero, this rather acid and
+ironical piece of nonsense is a disappointment.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _The Small Man._ "IF I WAS AS WELL SET UP AS YOU I'D GO
+AND FIGHT FOR MY COUNTRY, _I_ WOULD!"
+
+_The Large Man._ "NO GOOD, MATE, I'VE TRIED IT. TOLD ME AT THE WAR
+OFFICE I WOULD SPOIL THE UNIFORM APPEARANCE OF ANY REGIMENT, SO I'M
+WAITIN' TILL THEY RAISE A CORPS OF CINEMA GUARDS."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From the Emperor of AUSTRIA'S telegram to WILHELM II.:
+
+    "Words fail to express what moves me, and with me my army, in these
+    days of the world's history."
+
+The word "Servia" might express what moves his army.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Scotsman_ on the condition of things in Norway:--
+
+    "Food supplies and rents are controlled by the Government, and
+    spirits and wines cannot be purchased. Most of the English people
+    have now left Norway."
+
+For other reasons, we hope.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "PLEASURE TOURS.--St. Petersburg from London _via_ Kiel Canal."
+
+    _Advt. in "Times."_
+
+Take your camera with you, and snap the jolly little German battleships
+as you go past. The result of the recent fight off Heligoland should
+increase your popularity.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+147, September 2nd, 1914, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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author	Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org>	2025-10-15 02:33:43 -0700
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tree	2c607bdeba88b2cbc915fea50350ca6fba8933de