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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Solander's Radio Tomb, by Ellis Parker Butler
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Solander's Radio Tomb
+
+Author: Ellis Parker Butler
+
+Release Date: October 9, 2008 [EBook #26856]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SOLANDER'S RADIO TOMB ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Greg Weeks, Stephen Blundell and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
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+
+
+ SOLANDER'S
+ RADIO TOMB
+
+ By ELLIS PARKER BUTLER
+
+    _"Pigs Is Pigs" Butler quite surpasses himself in this story. The
+    intricacies in radio are so great, and the changes occur so quickly
+    that no one can afford to make a will wherein a radio provision
+    figures. Once we thought of having a radio loud speaker installed in
+    our coffin to keep us company and make it less lonesome. After
+    reading this story we quickly changed our mind. The possibilities
+    are too various._
+
+
+I first met Mr. Remington Solander shortly after I installed my first
+radio set. I was going in to New York on the 8:15 A.M. train and was
+sitting with my friend Murchison and, as a matter of course, we were
+talking radio. I had just told Murchison that he was a lunkheaded noodle
+and that for two cents I would poke him in the jaw, and that even a
+pin-headed idiot ought to know that a tube set was better than a crystal
+set. To this Murchison had replied that that settled it. He said he had
+always known I was a moron, and now he was sure of it.
+
+"If you had enough brains to fill a hazelnut shell," he said, "you
+wouldn't talk that way. Anybody but a half-baked lunatic would know that
+what a man wants in radio is clear, sharp reception and that's what a
+crystal gives you. You're one of these half-wits that think they're
+classy if they can hear some two-cent station five hundred miles away
+utter a few faint squeaks. Shut up! I don't want to talk to you. I don't
+want to listen to you. Go and sit somewhere else."
+
+Of course, this was what was to be expected of Murchison. And if I did
+let out a few laps of anger, I feel I was entirely justified. Radio fans
+are always disputing over the relative merits of crystal and tube sets,
+but I knew I was right. I was just trying to decide whether to choke
+Murchison with my bare hand and throw his lifeless body out of the car
+window, or tell him a few things I had been wanting to say ever since he
+began knocking my tube set, when this Remington Solander, who was
+sitting behind us, leaned forward and tapped me on the shoulder. I
+turned quickly and saw his long sheeplike face close to mine. He was
+chewing cardamon seed and breathing the odor into my face.
+
+[Illustration: Outraged citizens were removing their dead.]
+
+"My friend," he said, "come back and sit with me; I want to ask you a
+few questions about radio."
+
+Well, I couldn't resist that, could I? No radio fan could. I did not
+care much for the looks of this Remington Solander man, but for a few
+weeks my friends had seemed to be steering away from me when I drew
+near, although I am sure I never said anything to bore them. All I ever
+talked about was my radio set and some new hook-ups I was trying, but I
+had noticed that men who formerly had seemed to be fond of my company
+now gave startled looks when I neared them. Some even climbed over the
+nearest fence and ran madly across vacant lots, looking over their
+shoulders with frightened glances as they ran. For a week I had not been
+able to get any man of my acquaintance to listen to one word from me,
+except Murchison, and he is an utter idiot, as I think I have made
+clear. So I left Murchison and sat with Remington Solander.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In one way I was proud to be invited to sit with Remington Solander,
+because he was far and away the richest man in our town. When he died,
+his estate proved to amount to three million dollars. I had seen him
+often, and I knew who he was, but he was a stand-offish old fellow and
+did not mix, so I had never met him. He was a tall man and thin,
+somewhat flabby and he was pale in an unhealthy sort of way. But, after
+all, he was a millionaire and a member of one of the "old families" of
+Westcote, so I took the seat alongside of him with considerable
+satisfaction.
+
+"I gather," he said as soon as I was seated, "that you are interested in
+radio."
+
+I told him I was.
+
+"And I'm just building a new set, using a new hook-up that I heard of a
+week ago," I said. "I think it is going to be a wonder. Now, here is the
+idea: instead of using a grid----"
+
+"Yes, yes!" the old aristocrat said hastily. "But never mind that now. I
+know very little of such things. I have an electrician employed by the
+year to care for my radio set and I leave all such things to him. You
+are a lawyer, are you not?"
+
+I told him I was.
+
+"And you are chairman of the trustees of the Westcote Cemetery, are you
+not?" he asked.
+
+I told him I was that also. And I may say that the Westcote Cemetery
+Association is one of the rightest and tightest little corporations in
+existence. It has been in existence since 1808 and has been exceedingly
+profitable to those fortunate enough to hold its stock. I inherited the
+small block I own from my grandfather. Recently we trustees had bought
+sixty additional acres adjoining the old cemetery and had added them to
+it, and we were about ready to put the new lots on the market. At $300
+apiece there promised to be a tremendous profit in the thing, for our
+cemetery was a fashionable place to be buried in and the demand for the
+lots in the new addition promised to be enormous.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"You have not known it," said Remington Solander in his slow drawl,
+which had the effect of letting his words slide out of his mouth and
+drip down his long chin like cold molasses, "but I have been making
+inquiries about you, and I have been meaning to speak to you. I am
+drawing up a new last will and testament, and I want you to draw up one
+of the clauses for me without delay."
+
+"Why, certainly, Mr. Solander," I said with increased pride. "I'll be
+glad to be of service to you."
+
+"I am choosing you for the work," Remington Solander said, "because you
+know and love radio as I do, and because you are a trustee of the
+cemetery association. Are you a religious man?"
+
+"Well," I said, a little uneasily, "some. Some, but not much."
+
+"No matter," said Mr. Solander, placing a hand on my arm. "I am. I have
+always been. From my earliest youth my mind has been on serious things.
+As a matter of fact, sir, I have compiled a manuscript collection of
+religious quotations, hymns, sermons and uplifting thoughts which now
+fill fourteen volumes, all in my own handwriting. Fortunately, I
+inherited money, and this collection is my gift to the world."
+
+"And a noble one, I'm sure," I said.
+
+"Most noble," said Mr. Solander. "But, sir, I have not confined my
+activities to the study chair. I have kept my eye on the progress of the
+world. And it seems to me that radio, this new and wonderful invention,
+is the greatest discovery of all ages and imperishable. But, sir, it is
+being twisted to cheap uses. Jazz! Cheap songs! Worldly words and music!
+That I mean to remedy."
+
+"Well," I said, "it might be done. Of course, people like what they
+like."
+
+"Some nobler souls like better things," said Remington Solander
+solemnly. "Some more worthy men and women will welcome nobler radio
+broadcasting. In my will I am putting aside one million dollars to
+establish and maintain a broadcasting station that will broadcast only
+my fourteen volumes of hymns and uplifting material. Every day this
+matter will go forth--sermons, lectures on prohibition, noble thoughts
+and religious poems."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I assured him that some people might be glad to get that--that a lot of
+people might, in fact, and that I could write that into his will without
+any trouble at all.
+
+"Ah!" said Remington Solander. "But that is already in my will. What I
+want you to write for my will, is another clause. I mean to build, in
+your cemetery, a high-class and imperishable granite tomb for myself. I
+mean to place it on that knoll--that high knoll--the highest spot in
+your cemetery. What I want you to write into my will is a clause
+providing for the perpetual care and maintenance of my tomb. I want to
+set aside five hundred thousand dollars for that purpose."
+
+"Well," I said to the sheep-faced millionaire, "I can do that, too."
+
+"Yes," he agreed. "And I want to give my family and relations the
+remaining million and a half dollars, provided," he said, accenting the
+'provided,' "they carry out faithfully the provisions of the clause
+providing for the perpetual care and maintenance of my tomb. If they
+don't care and maintain," he said, giving me a hard look, "that million
+and a half is to go to the Home for Flea-Bitten Dogs."
+
+"They'll care and maintain, all right!" I laughed.
+
+"I think so," said Remington Solander gravely. "I do think so, indeed!
+And now, sir, we come to the important part. You, as I know, are a
+trustee of the cemetery."
+
+"Yes," I said, "I am."
+
+"For drawing this clause of my will, if you can draw it," said Remington
+Solander, looking me full in the eye with both his own, which were like
+the eyes of a salt mackerel, "I shall pay you five thousand dollars."
+
+Well, I almost gasped. It was a big lot of money for drawing one clause
+of a will, and I began to smell a rat right there. But, I may say, the
+proposition Remington Solander made to me was one I was able, after
+quite a little talk with my fellow trustees of the cemetery, to carry
+out. What Remington Solander wanted was to be permitted to put a radio
+loud-speaking outfit in his granite tomb--a radio loud-speaking outfit
+permanently set at 327 meters wave-length, which was to be the
+wave-length of his endowed broadcasting station. I don't know how
+Remington Solander first got his remarkable idea, but just about that
+time an undertaker in New York had rigged up a hearse with a phonograph
+so that the hearse would loud-speak suitable hymns on the way to the
+cemetery, and that may have suggested the loud-speaking tomb to
+Remington Solander, but it is not important where he got the idea. He
+had it, and he was set on having it carried out.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Think," he said, "of the uplifting effect of it! On the highest spot in
+the cemetery will stand my noble tomb, loud-speaking in all directions
+the solemn and holy words and music I have collected in my fourteen
+volumes. All who enter the cemetery will hear; all will be ennobled and
+uplifted."
+
+That was so, too. I saw that at once. I said so. So Remington Solander
+went on to explain that the income from the five hundred thousand
+dollars would be set aside to keep "A" batteries and "B" batteries
+supplied, to keep the outfit in repair, and so on. So I tackled the job
+rather enthusiastically. I don't say that the five-thousand-dollar fee
+did not interest me, but I did think Remington Solander had a grand
+idea. It would make our cemetery stand out. People would come from
+everywhere to see and listen. The lots in the new addition would sell
+like hot cakes.
+
+But I did have a little trouble with the other trustees. They balked
+when I explained that Remington Solander wanted the sole radio
+loud-speaking rights of our cemetery, but some one finally suggested
+that if Remington Solander put up a new and artistic iron fence around
+the whole cemetery it might be all right. They made him submit his
+fourteen volumes so they could see what sort of matter he meant to
+broadcast from his high-class station, and they agreed it was solemn
+enough; it was all solemn and sad and gloomy, just the stuff for a
+cemetery. So when Remington Solander agreed to build the new iron fence
+they made a formal contract with him, and I drew up the clause for the
+will, and he bought six lots on top of the high knoll and began erecting
+his marble mausoleum.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+For eight months or so Remington Solander was busier than he had ever
+been in his life. He superintended the building of the tomb and he had
+on hand the job of getting his endowed radio station going--it was given
+the letters WZZZ--and hiring artists to sing and play and speechify his
+fourteen volumes of gloom and uplift at 327 meters, and it was too much
+for the old codger. The very night the test of the WZZZ outfit was made
+he passed away and was no more on earth.
+
+His funeral was one of the biggest we ever had in Westcote. I should
+judge that five thousand people attended his remains to the cemetery,
+for it had become widely known that the first WZZZ program would be
+received and loud-spoken from Remington Solander's tomb that afternoon,
+the first selection on the program--his favorite hymn--beginning as the
+funeral cortege left the church and the program continuing until dark.
+
+I'll say it was one of the most affecting occasions I have ever
+witnessed. As the body was being carried into the tomb the loud speaker
+gave us a sermon by Rev. Peter L. Ruggus, full of sob stuff, and every
+one of the five thousand present wept. And when the funeral was really
+finished, over two thousand remained to hear the rest of the program,
+which consisted of hymns, missionary reports, static and recitations of
+religious poems. We increased the price of the lots in the new addition
+one hundred dollars per lot immediately, and we sold four lots that
+afternoon and two the next morning. The big metropolitan newspapers all
+gave the Westcote Cemetery full page illustrated articles the next
+Sunday, and we received during the next week over three hundred letters,
+mostly from ministers, praising what we had done.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+But that was not the best of it. Requests for lots began to come in by
+mail. Not only people in Westcote wrote for prices, but people away over
+in New Jersey and up in Westchester Country, and even from as far away
+as Poughkeepsie and Delaware. We had twice as many requests for lots as
+there were lots to sell, and we decided we would have an auction and let
+them go to the highest bidders. You see Remington Solander's Talking
+Tomb was becoming nationally famous. We began to negotiate with the
+owners of six farms adjacent to our cemetery; we figured on buying them
+and making more new additions to the cemetery. And then we found we
+could not use three of the farms.
+
+The reason was that the loud speaker in Remington Solander's tomb would
+not carry that far; it was not strong enough. So we went to the
+executors of his estate and ran up against another snag--nothing in the
+radio outfit in the tomb could be altered in any way whatever. That was
+in the will. The same loud speaker had to be maintained, the same
+wave-length had to be kept, the same makes of batteries had to be used,
+the same style of tubes had to be used. Remington Solander had thought
+of all that. So we decided to let well enough alone--it was all we could
+do anyway. We bought the farms that were reached by the loud speaker and
+had them surveyed and laid out in lots--and then the thing happened!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Yes, sir, I'll sell my cemetery stock for two cents on the dollar, if
+anybody will bid that much for it. For what do you think happened? Along
+came the Government of the United States, regulating this radio thing,
+and assigned new wave-lengths to all the broadcasting stations. It gave
+Remington Solander's endowed broadcasting station WZZZ an 855-meter
+wave-length, and it gave that station at Dodwood--station PKX--the
+327-meter wave-length, and the next day poor old Remington Solander's
+tomb poured fourth "Yes, We Ain't Got No Bananas" and the "Hot Dog"
+jazz and "If You Don't See Mama Every Night, You Can't See Mama At All,"
+and Hink Tubbs in his funny stories, like "Well, one day an Irishman and
+a Swede were walking down Broadway and they see a flapper coming towards
+them. And she had on one of them short skirts they was wearing, see? So
+Mike he says 'Gee be jabbers, Ole, I see a peach.' So the Swede he says
+lookin' at the silk stockings, 'Mebby you ban see a peach, Mike, but I
+ban see one mighty nice pair.' Well, the other day I went to see my
+mother-in-law--"
+
+You know the sort of program. I don't say that the people who like them
+are not entitled to them, but I do say they are not the sort of programs
+to loud-speak from a tomb in a cemetery. I expect old Remington Solander
+turned clear over in his tomb when those programs began to come through.
+I know our board of trustees went right up in the air, but there was not
+a thing we could do about it. The newspapers gave us double pages the
+next Sunday--"Remington Solander's Jazz Tomb" and "Westcote's Two-Step
+Cemetery." And within a week the inmates of our cemetery began to move
+out. Friends of people who had been buried over a hundred years came and
+moved them to other cemeteries and took the headstones and monuments
+with them, and in a month our cemetery looked like one of those Great
+War battlefields--like a lot of shell-holes. Not a man, woman or child
+was left in the place--except Remington Solander in his granite tomb on
+top of the high knoll. What we've got on our hands is a deserted
+cemetery.
+
+They all blame me, but I can't do anything about it. All I can do is
+groan--every morning I grab the paper and look for the PKX program and
+then I groan. Remington Solander is the lucky man--he's dead.
+
+
+THE END
+
+
+
+
+Transcriber's Note:
+
+    This etext was produced from _Amazing Stories_ April 1956 and was
+    first published in _Amazing Stories_ June 1927. Extensive research
+    did not uncover any evidence that the U.S. copyright on this
+    publication was renewed. Minor spelling and typographical errors
+    have been corrected without note.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's Solander's Radio Tomb, by Ellis Parker Butler
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SOLANDER'S RADIO TOMB ***
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