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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/26856-h.zip b/26856-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c16b861 --- /dev/null +++ b/26856-h.zip diff --git a/26856-h/26856-h.htm b/26856-h/26856-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8a846e7 --- /dev/null +++ b/26856-h/26856-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1077 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" xml:lang="en" lang="en"> + <head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=iso-8859-1" /> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Style-Type" content="text/css" /> + <title> + The Project Gutenberg eBook of Solander's Radio Tomb, by Ellis Parker Butler + </title> + <style type="text/css"> +/*<![CDATA[ XML blockout */ +<!-- + p {margin-top: .75em; text-align: justify; margin-bottom: .75em;} + h1 {text-align: left;} + h2 {text-align: right;} + hr {width: 45%; margin: 1em auto; visibility: hidden;} + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .figright {float: right; clear: right; margin: 1em 0 1em 1em; padding: 0; text-align: center; width: 390px;} + .trn {border: solid 1px; margin: 3em 15%; padding: 1em; text-align: justify;} + img {border: none;} + p.cap:first-letter {float: left; margin-right: .05em; padding-top: .05em; font-size: 300%; line-height: .8em;} + .dcap {text-transform: uppercase;} + .bk1 {width: 25em; margin: 2em auto;} + .p1 {text-align: center; margin-top: 2em;} +// --> +/* XML end ]]>*/ + </style> + </head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Solander's Radio Tomb, by Ellis Parker Butler + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Solander's Radio Tomb + +Author: Ellis Parker Butler + +Release Date: October 9, 2008 [EBook #26856] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SOLANDER'S RADIO TOMB *** + + + + +Produced by Greg Weeks, Stephen Blundell and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<h1><big>SOLANDER'S<br /> +RADIO TOMB</big></h1> + +<h2>By ELLIS PARKER BUTLER</h2> + +<div class="bk1"><p><i>"Pigs Is Pigs" Butler quite surpasses himself +in this story. The intricacies in radio are so +great, and the changes occur so quickly that +no one can afford to make a will wherein a +radio provision figures. Once we thought of having +a radio loud speaker installed in our coffin +to keep us company and make it less lonesome. +After reading this story we quickly changed +our mind. The possibilities are too various.</i> +</p></div> + +<p class="cap"><span class="dcap">I first</span> met Mr. Remington +Solander shortly after I installed +my first radio set. I was +going in to New York on the +8:15 A.M. train and was sitting +with my friend Murchison and, +as a matter of course, we were +talking radio. I had just told Murchison +that he was a lunkheaded +noodle and that for two cents +I would poke him in the jaw, +and that even a pin-headed idiot +ought to know that a tube set +was better than a crystal set. +To this Murchison had replied +that that settled it. He said he +had always known I was a moron, +and now he was sure of it.</p> + +<p>"If you had enough brains to +fill a hazelnut shell," he said, +"you wouldn't talk that way. +Anybody but a half-baked lunatic +would know that what a man +wants in radio is clear, sharp reception +and that's what a crystal +gives you. You're one of these +half-wits that think they're +classy if they can hear some two-cent +station five hundred miles +away utter a few faint squeaks. +Shut up! I don't want to talk to +you. I don't want to listen to +you. Go and sit somewhere else."</p> + +<p>Of course, this was what was +to be expected of Murchison. +And if I did let out a few laps +of anger, I feel I was entirely +justified. Radio fans are always +disputing over the relative merits +of crystal and tube sets, but +I knew I was right. I was just +trying to decide whether to +choke Murchison with my bare +hand and throw his lifeless body +out of the car window, or tell +him a few things I had been +wanting to say ever since he began +knocking my tube set, when +this Remington Solander, who +was sitting behind us, leaned +forward and tapped me on the +shoulder. I turned quickly and +saw his long sheeplike face close +to mine. He was chewing cardamon +seed and breathing the +odor into my face.</p> + +<div class="figright"> +<img src="images/001.png" width="390" height="500" alt="" title="" /> +<small><b>Outraged citizens were removing their dead.</b></small></div> + +<p>"My friend," he said, "come +back and sit with me; I want to +ask you a few questions about +radio."</p> + +<p>Well, I couldn't resist that, +could I? No radio fan could. I did +not care much for the looks of +this Remington Solander man, +but for a few weeks my friends +had seemed to be steering away +from me when I drew near, although +I am sure I never said +anything to bore them. All I +ever talked about was my radio +set and some new hook-ups I was +trying, but I had noticed that +men who formerly had seemed to +be fond of my company now gave +startled looks when I neared +them. Some even climbed over +the nearest fence and ran madly +across vacant lots, looking over +their shoulders with frightened +glances as they ran. For a week +I had not been able to get any +man of my acquaintance to listen +to one word from me, except +Murchison, and he is an utter +idiot, as I think I have made +clear. So I left Murchison and +sat with Remington Solander.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>In one way I was proud to be +invited to sit with Remington +Solander, because he was far +and away the richest man in our +town. When he died, his estate +proved to amount to three million +dollars. I had seen him often, +and I knew who he was, but +he was a stand-offish old fellow +and did not mix, so I had never +met him. He was a tall man and +thin, somewhat flabby and he +was pale in an unhealthy sort of +way. But, after all, he was a millionaire +and a member of one +of the "old families" of Westcote, +so I took the seat alongside +of him with considerable satisfaction.</p> + +<p>"I gather," he said as soon +as I was seated, "that you are +interested in radio."</p> + +<p>I told him I was.</p> + +<p>"And I'm just building a new +set, using a new hook-up that I +heard of a week ago," I said. "I +think it is going to be a wonder. +Now, here is the idea: instead +of using a grid——"</p> + +<p>"Yes, yes!" the old aristocrat +said hastily. "But never mind +that now. I know very little of +such things. I have an electrician +employed by the year to care for +my radio set and I leave all such +things to him. You are a lawyer, +are you not?"</p> + +<p>I told him I was.</p> + +<p>"And you are chairman of the +trustees of the Westcote Cemetery, +are you not?" he asked.</p> + +<p>I told him I was that also. +And I may say that the Westcote +Cemetery Association is one of +the rightest and tightest little +corporations in existence. It has +been in existence since 1808 and +has been exceedingly profitable +to those fortunate enough to hold +its stock. I inherited the small +block I own from my grandfather. +Recently we trustees had +bought sixty additional acres +adjoining the old cemetery and +had added them to it, and we +were about ready to put the new +lots on the market. At $300 +apiece there promised to be a +tremendous profit in the thing, +for our cemetery was a fashionable +place to be buried in and +the demand for the lots in the +new addition promised to be +enormous.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>"You have not known it," said +Remington Solander in his slow +drawl, which had the effect of +letting his words slide out of his +mouth and drip down his long +chin like cold molasses, "but I +have been making inquiries +about you, and I have been meaning +to speak to you. I am drawing +up a new last will and testament, +and I want you to draw +up one of the clauses for me +without delay."</p> + +<p>"Why, certainly, Mr. Solander," +I said with increased pride. +"I'll be glad to be of service to +you."</p> + +<p>"I am choosing you for the +work," Remington Solander said, +"because you know and love radio +as I do, and because you are +a trustee of the cemetery association. +Are you a religious +man?"</p> + +<p>"Well," I said, a little uneasily, +"some. Some, but not much."</p> + +<p>"No matter," said Mr. Solander, +placing a hand on my arm. +"I am. I have always been. From +my earliest youth my mind has +been on serious things. As a +matter of fact, sir, I have compiled +a manuscript collection of +religious quotations, hymns, sermons +and uplifting thoughts +which now fill fourteen volumes, +all in my own handwriting. Fortunately, +I inherited money, and +this collection is my gift to the +world."</p> + +<p>"And a noble one, I'm sure," +I said.</p> + +<p>"Most noble," said Mr. Solander. +"But, sir, I have not confined +my activities to the study +chair. I have kept my eye on +the progress of the world. And +it seems to me that radio, this +new and wonderful invention, is +the greatest discovery of all +ages and imperishable. But, sir, +it is being twisted to cheap uses. +Jazz! Cheap songs! Worldly +words and music! That I mean +to remedy."</p> + +<p>"Well," I said, "it might be +done. Of course, people like what +they like."</p> + +<p>"Some nobler souls like better +things," said Remington Solander +solemnly. "Some more +worthy men and women will +welcome nobler radio broadcasting. +In my will I am putting +aside one million dollars to +establish and maintain a broadcasting +station that will broadcast +only my fourteen volumes +of hymns and uplifting material. +Every day this matter will go +forth—sermons, lectures on +prohibition, noble thoughts and +religious poems."</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>I assured him that some people +might be glad to get that—that +a lot of people might, in +fact, and that I could write that +into his will without any trouble +at all.</p> + +<p>"Ah!" said Remington Solander. +"But that is already in my +will. What I want you to write +for my will, is another clause. I +mean to build, in your cemetery, +a high-class and imperishable +granite tomb for myself. I mean +to place it on that knoll—that +high knoll—the highest spot in +your cemetery. What I want you +to write into my will is a clause +providing for the perpetual care +and maintenance of my tomb. I +want to set aside five hundred +thousand dollars for that purpose."</p> + +<p>"Well," I said to the sheep-faced +millionaire, "I can do +that, too."</p> + +<p>"Yes," he agreed. "And I want +to give my family and relations +the remaining million and a +half dollars, provided," he said, +accenting the 'provided,' "they +carry out faithfully the provisions +of the clause providing for +the perpetual care and maintenance +of my tomb. If they don't +care and maintain," he said, giving +me a hard look, "that million +and a half is to go to the Home +for Flea-Bitten Dogs."</p> + +<p>"They'll care and maintain, +all right!" I laughed.</p> + +<p>"I think so," said Remington +Solander gravely. "I do think so, +indeed! And now, sir, we come to +the important part. You, as I +know, are a trustee of the +cemetery."</p> + +<p>"Yes," I said, "I am."</p> + +<p>"For drawing this clause of +my will, if you can draw it," +said Remington Solander, looking +me full in the eye with both his +own, which were like the eyes +of a salt mackerel, "I shall pay +you five thousand dollars."</p> + +<p>Well, I almost gasped. It was +a big lot of money for drawing +one clause of a will, and I began +to smell a rat right there. But, +I may say, the proposition Remington +Solander made to me was +one I was able, after quite a +little talk with my fellow trustees +of the cemetery, to carry +out. What Remington Solander +wanted was to be permitted to +put a radio loud-speaking outfit +in his granite tomb—a radio +loud-speaking outfit permanently +set at 327 meters wave-length, +which was to be the wave-length +of his endowed broadcasting station. +I don't know how Remington +Solander first got his remarkable +idea, but just about +that time an undertaker in New +York had rigged up a hearse +with a phonograph so that the +hearse would loud-speak suitable +hymns on the way to the cemetery, +and that may have suggested +the loud-speaking tomb to +Remington Solander, but it is +not important where he got the +idea. He had it, and he was set +on having it carried out.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>"Think," he said, "of the uplifting +effect of it! On the highest +spot in the cemetery will +stand my noble tomb, loud-speaking +in all directions the +solemn and holy words and music +I have collected in my fourteen +volumes. All who enter the +cemetery will hear; all will be +ennobled and uplifted."</p> + +<p>That was so, too. I saw that +at once. I said so. So Remington +Solander went on to explain that +the income from the five hundred +thousand dollars would be +set aside to keep "A" batteries +and "B" batteries supplied, to +keep the outfit in repair, and so +on. So I tackled the job rather +enthusiastically. I don't say that +the five-thousand-dollar fee did +not interest me, but I did think +Remington Solander had a grand +idea. It would make our cemetery +stand out. People would come +from everywhere to see and listen. +The lots in the new addition +would sell like hot cakes.</p> + +<p>But I did have a little trouble +with the other trustees. They +balked when I explained that +Remington Solander wanted the +sole radio loud-speaking rights +of our cemetery, but some one +finally suggested that if Remington +Solander put up a new +and artistic iron fence around +the whole cemetery it might be +all right. They made him submit +his fourteen volumes so they +could see what sort of matter he +meant to broadcast from his +high-class station, and they +agreed it was solemn enough; it +was all solemn and sad and +gloomy, just the stuff for a cemetery. +So when Remington Solander +agreed to build the new +iron fence they made a formal +contract with him, and I drew +up the clause for the will, and +he bought six lots on top of the +high knoll and began erecting +his marble mausoleum.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>For eight months or so Remington +Solander was busier than +he had ever been in his life. He +superintended the building of +the tomb and he had on hand the +job of getting his endowed radio +station going—it was given the +letters WZZZ—and hiring artists +to sing and play and speechify +his fourteen volumes of +gloom and uplift at 327 meters, +and it was too much for the old +codger. The very night the test +of the WZZZ outfit was made he +passed away and was no more on +earth.</p> + +<p>His funeral was one of the biggest +we ever had in Westcote. I +should judge that five thousand +people attended his remains to +the cemetery, for it had become +widely known that the first +WZZZ program would be received +and loud-spoken from +Remington Solander's tomb that +afternoon, the first selection on +the program—his favorite hymn—beginning +as the funeral cortege +left the church and the program +continuing until dark.</p> + +<p>I'll say it was one of the most +affecting occasions I have ever +witnessed. As the body was being +carried into the tomb the +loud speaker gave us a sermon +by Rev. Peter L. Ruggus, full of +sob stuff, and every one of the +five thousand present wept. And +when the funeral was really +finished, over two thousand remained +to hear the rest of the +program, which consisted of +hymns, missionary reports, static +and recitations of religious +poems. We increased the price +of the lots in the new addition +one hundred dollars per lot immediately, +and we sold four lots +that afternoon and two the next +morning. The big metropolitan +newspapers all gave the Westcote +Cemetery full page illustrated +articles the next Sunday, and we +received during the next week +over three hundred letters, mostly +from ministers, praising what +we had done.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>But that was not the best of +it. Requests for lots began to +come in by mail. Not only people +in Westcote wrote for prices, +but people away over in New +Jersey and up in Westchester +Country, and even from as far +away as Poughkeepsie and Delaware. +We had twice as many requests +for lots as there were lots +to sell, and we decided we would +have an auction and let them go +to the highest bidders. You see +Remington Solander's Talking +Tomb was becoming nationally +famous. We began to negotiate +with the owners of six farms +adjacent to our cemetery; we +figured on buying them and making +more new additions to the +cemetery. And then we found +we could not use three of the +farms.</p> + +<p>The reason was that the loud +speaker in Remington Solander's +tomb would not carry that far; +it was not strong enough. So we +went to the executors of his +estate and ran up against another +snag—nothing in the radio +outfit in the tomb could be altered +in any way whatever. That +was in the will. The same loud speaker +had to be maintained, +the same wave-length had to be +kept, the same makes of batteries +had to be used, the same +style of tubes had to be used. +Remington Solander had thought +of all that. So we decided to let +well enough alone—it was all +we could do anyway. We bought +the farms that were reached by +the loud speaker and had them +surveyed and laid out in lots—and +then the thing happened!</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>Yes, sir, I'll sell my cemetery +stock for two cents on the dollar, +if anybody will bid that +much for it. For what do you +think happened? Along came the +Government of the United +States, regulating this radio +thing, and assigned new wave-lengths +to all the broadcasting +stations. It gave Remington Solander's +endowed broadcasting +station WZZZ an 855-meter +wave-length, and it gave that +station at Dodwood—station +PKX—the 327-meter wave-length, +and the next day poor +old Remington Solander's tomb +poured fourth "Yes, We Ain't +Got No Bananas" and the +"Hot Dog" jazz and "If You +Don't See Mama Every Night, +You Can't See Mama At All," +and Hink Tubbs in his funny +stories, like "Well, one day an +Irishman and a Swede were +walking down Broadway and +they see a flapper coming towards +them. And she had on +one of them short skirts they +was wearing, see? So Mike he +says 'Gee be jabbers, Ole, I see +a peach.' So the Swede he says +lookin' at the silk stockings, +'Mebby you ban see a peach, +Mike, but I ban see one mighty +nice pair.' Well, the other day +I went to see my mother-in-law—"</p> + +<p>You know the sort of program. +I don't say that the people +who like them are not entitled +to them, but I do say they are +not the sort of programs to loud-speak +from a tomb in a cemetery. +I expect old Remington Solander +turned clear over in his tomb +when those programs began to +come through. I know our board +of trustees went right up in the +air, but there was not a thing +we could do about it. The newspapers +gave us double pages the +next Sunday—"Remington Solander's +Jazz Tomb" and "Westcote's +Two-Step Cemetery." And +within a week the inmates of our +cemetery began to move out. +Friends of people who had been +buried over a hundred years +came and moved them to other +cemeteries and took the headstones +and monuments with +them, and in a month our cemetery +looked like one of those +Great War battlefields—like a +lot of shell-holes. Not a man, +woman or child was left in the +place—except Remington Solander +in his granite tomb on top +of the high knoll. What we've +got on our hands is a deserted +cemetery.</p> + +<p>They all blame me, but I can't +do anything about it. All I can +do is groan—every morning I +grab the paper and look for the +PKX program and then I groan. +Remington Solander is the lucky +man—he's dead.</p> + +<p class="p1"><b>THE END</b></p> + +<div class="trn"><b>Transcriber's Note:</b> +This etext was produced from <i>Amazing Stories</i> April 1956 and +was first published in <i>Amazing Stories</i> June 1927. +Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that the U.S. +copyright on this publication was renewed. Minor spelling and +typographical errors have been corrected without note.</div> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Solander's Radio Tomb, by Ellis Parker Butler + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SOLANDER'S RADIO TOMB *** + +***** This file should be named 26856-h.htm or 26856-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/6/8/5/26856/ + +Produced by Greg Weeks, Stephen Blundell and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Solander's Radio Tomb + +Author: Ellis Parker Butler + +Release Date: October 9, 2008 [EBook #26856] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SOLANDER'S RADIO TOMB *** + + + + +Produced by Greg Weeks, Stephen Blundell and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + + SOLANDER'S + RADIO TOMB + + By ELLIS PARKER BUTLER + + _"Pigs Is Pigs" Butler quite surpasses himself in this story. The + intricacies in radio are so great, and the changes occur so quickly + that no one can afford to make a will wherein a radio provision + figures. Once we thought of having a radio loud speaker installed in + our coffin to keep us company and make it less lonesome. After + reading this story we quickly changed our mind. The possibilities + are too various._ + + +I first met Mr. Remington Solander shortly after I installed my first +radio set. I was going in to New York on the 8:15 A.M. train and was +sitting with my friend Murchison and, as a matter of course, we were +talking radio. I had just told Murchison that he was a lunkheaded noodle +and that for two cents I would poke him in the jaw, and that even a +pin-headed idiot ought to know that a tube set was better than a crystal +set. To this Murchison had replied that that settled it. He said he had +always known I was a moron, and now he was sure of it. + +"If you had enough brains to fill a hazelnut shell," he said, "you +wouldn't talk that way. Anybody but a half-baked lunatic would know that +what a man wants in radio is clear, sharp reception and that's what a +crystal gives you. You're one of these half-wits that think they're +classy if they can hear some two-cent station five hundred miles away +utter a few faint squeaks. Shut up! I don't want to talk to you. I don't +want to listen to you. Go and sit somewhere else." + +Of course, this was what was to be expected of Murchison. And if I did +let out a few laps of anger, I feel I was entirely justified. Radio fans +are always disputing over the relative merits of crystal and tube sets, +but I knew I was right. I was just trying to decide whether to choke +Murchison with my bare hand and throw his lifeless body out of the car +window, or tell him a few things I had been wanting to say ever since he +began knocking my tube set, when this Remington Solander, who was +sitting behind us, leaned forward and tapped me on the shoulder. I +turned quickly and saw his long sheeplike face close to mine. He was +chewing cardamon seed and breathing the odor into my face. + +[Illustration: Outraged citizens were removing their dead.] + +"My friend," he said, "come back and sit with me; I want to ask you a +few questions about radio." + +Well, I couldn't resist that, could I? No radio fan could. I did not +care much for the looks of this Remington Solander man, but for a few +weeks my friends had seemed to be steering away from me when I drew +near, although I am sure I never said anything to bore them. All I ever +talked about was my radio set and some new hook-ups I was trying, but I +had noticed that men who formerly had seemed to be fond of my company +now gave startled looks when I neared them. Some even climbed over the +nearest fence and ran madly across vacant lots, looking over their +shoulders with frightened glances as they ran. For a week I had not been +able to get any man of my acquaintance to listen to one word from me, +except Murchison, and he is an utter idiot, as I think I have made +clear. So I left Murchison and sat with Remington Solander. + + * * * * * + +In one way I was proud to be invited to sit with Remington Solander, +because he was far and away the richest man in our town. When he died, +his estate proved to amount to three million dollars. I had seen him +often, and I knew who he was, but he was a stand-offish old fellow and +did not mix, so I had never met him. He was a tall man and thin, +somewhat flabby and he was pale in an unhealthy sort of way. But, after +all, he was a millionaire and a member of one of the "old families" of +Westcote, so I took the seat alongside of him with considerable +satisfaction. + +"I gather," he said as soon as I was seated, "that you are interested in +radio." + +I told him I was. + +"And I'm just building a new set, using a new hook-up that I heard of a +week ago," I said. "I think it is going to be a wonder. Now, here is the +idea: instead of using a grid----" + +"Yes, yes!" the old aristocrat said hastily. "But never mind that now. I +know very little of such things. I have an electrician employed by the +year to care for my radio set and I leave all such things to him. You +are a lawyer, are you not?" + +I told him I was. + +"And you are chairman of the trustees of the Westcote Cemetery, are you +not?" he asked. + +I told him I was that also. And I may say that the Westcote Cemetery +Association is one of the rightest and tightest little corporations in +existence. It has been in existence since 1808 and has been exceedingly +profitable to those fortunate enough to hold its stock. I inherited the +small block I own from my grandfather. Recently we trustees had bought +sixty additional acres adjoining the old cemetery and had added them to +it, and we were about ready to put the new lots on the market. At $300 +apiece there promised to be a tremendous profit in the thing, for our +cemetery was a fashionable place to be buried in and the demand for the +lots in the new addition promised to be enormous. + + * * * * * + +"You have not known it," said Remington Solander in his slow drawl, +which had the effect of letting his words slide out of his mouth and +drip down his long chin like cold molasses, "but I have been making +inquiries about you, and I have been meaning to speak to you. I am +drawing up a new last will and testament, and I want you to draw up one +of the clauses for me without delay." + +"Why, certainly, Mr. Solander," I said with increased pride. "I'll be +glad to be of service to you." + +"I am choosing you for the work," Remington Solander said, "because you +know and love radio as I do, and because you are a trustee of the +cemetery association. Are you a religious man?" + +"Well," I said, a little uneasily, "some. Some, but not much." + +"No matter," said Mr. Solander, placing a hand on my arm. "I am. I have +always been. From my earliest youth my mind has been on serious things. +As a matter of fact, sir, I have compiled a manuscript collection of +religious quotations, hymns, sermons and uplifting thoughts which now +fill fourteen volumes, all in my own handwriting. Fortunately, I +inherited money, and this collection is my gift to the world." + +"And a noble one, I'm sure," I said. + +"Most noble," said Mr. Solander. "But, sir, I have not confined my +activities to the study chair. I have kept my eye on the progress of the +world. And it seems to me that radio, this new and wonderful invention, +is the greatest discovery of all ages and imperishable. But, sir, it is +being twisted to cheap uses. Jazz! Cheap songs! Worldly words and music! +That I mean to remedy." + +"Well," I said, "it might be done. Of course, people like what they +like." + +"Some nobler souls like better things," said Remington Solander +solemnly. "Some more worthy men and women will welcome nobler radio +broadcasting. In my will I am putting aside one million dollars to +establish and maintain a broadcasting station that will broadcast only +my fourteen volumes of hymns and uplifting material. Every day this +matter will go forth--sermons, lectures on prohibition, noble thoughts +and religious poems." + + * * * * * + +I assured him that some people might be glad to get that--that a lot of +people might, in fact, and that I could write that into his will without +any trouble at all. + +"Ah!" said Remington Solander. "But that is already in my will. What I +want you to write for my will, is another clause. I mean to build, in +your cemetery, a high-class and imperishable granite tomb for myself. I +mean to place it on that knoll--that high knoll--the highest spot in +your cemetery. What I want you to write into my will is a clause +providing for the perpetual care and maintenance of my tomb. I want to +set aside five hundred thousand dollars for that purpose." + +"Well," I said to the sheep-faced millionaire, "I can do that, too." + +"Yes," he agreed. "And I want to give my family and relations the +remaining million and a half dollars, provided," he said, accenting the +'provided,' "they carry out faithfully the provisions of the clause +providing for the perpetual care and maintenance of my tomb. If they +don't care and maintain," he said, giving me a hard look, "that million +and a half is to go to the Home for Flea-Bitten Dogs." + +"They'll care and maintain, all right!" I laughed. + +"I think so," said Remington Solander gravely. "I do think so, indeed! +And now, sir, we come to the important part. You, as I know, are a +trustee of the cemetery." + +"Yes," I said, "I am." + +"For drawing this clause of my will, if you can draw it," said Remington +Solander, looking me full in the eye with both his own, which were like +the eyes of a salt mackerel, "I shall pay you five thousand dollars." + +Well, I almost gasped. It was a big lot of money for drawing one clause +of a will, and I began to smell a rat right there. But, I may say, the +proposition Remington Solander made to me was one I was able, after +quite a little talk with my fellow trustees of the cemetery, to carry +out. What Remington Solander wanted was to be permitted to put a radio +loud-speaking outfit in his granite tomb--a radio loud-speaking outfit +permanently set at 327 meters wave-length, which was to be the +wave-length of his endowed broadcasting station. I don't know how +Remington Solander first got his remarkable idea, but just about that +time an undertaker in New York had rigged up a hearse with a phonograph +so that the hearse would loud-speak suitable hymns on the way to the +cemetery, and that may have suggested the loud-speaking tomb to +Remington Solander, but it is not important where he got the idea. He +had it, and he was set on having it carried out. + + * * * * * + +"Think," he said, "of the uplifting effect of it! On the highest spot in +the cemetery will stand my noble tomb, loud-speaking in all directions +the solemn and holy words and music I have collected in my fourteen +volumes. All who enter the cemetery will hear; all will be ennobled and +uplifted." + +That was so, too. I saw that at once. I said so. So Remington Solander +went on to explain that the income from the five hundred thousand +dollars would be set aside to keep "A" batteries and "B" batteries +supplied, to keep the outfit in repair, and so on. So I tackled the job +rather enthusiastically. I don't say that the five-thousand-dollar fee +did not interest me, but I did think Remington Solander had a grand +idea. It would make our cemetery stand out. People would come from +everywhere to see and listen. The lots in the new addition would sell +like hot cakes. + +But I did have a little trouble with the other trustees. They balked +when I explained that Remington Solander wanted the sole radio +loud-speaking rights of our cemetery, but some one finally suggested +that if Remington Solander put up a new and artistic iron fence around +the whole cemetery it might be all right. They made him submit his +fourteen volumes so they could see what sort of matter he meant to +broadcast from his high-class station, and they agreed it was solemn +enough; it was all solemn and sad and gloomy, just the stuff for a +cemetery. So when Remington Solander agreed to build the new iron fence +they made a formal contract with him, and I drew up the clause for the +will, and he bought six lots on top of the high knoll and began erecting +his marble mausoleum. + + * * * * * + +For eight months or so Remington Solander was busier than he had ever +been in his life. He superintended the building of the tomb and he had +on hand the job of getting his endowed radio station going--it was given +the letters WZZZ--and hiring artists to sing and play and speechify his +fourteen volumes of gloom and uplift at 327 meters, and it was too much +for the old codger. The very night the test of the WZZZ outfit was made +he passed away and was no more on earth. + +His funeral was one of the biggest we ever had in Westcote. I should +judge that five thousand people attended his remains to the cemetery, +for it had become widely known that the first WZZZ program would be +received and loud-spoken from Remington Solander's tomb that afternoon, +the first selection on the program--his favorite hymn--beginning as the +funeral cortege left the church and the program continuing until dark. + +I'll say it was one of the most affecting occasions I have ever +witnessed. As the body was being carried into the tomb the loud speaker +gave us a sermon by Rev. Peter L. Ruggus, full of sob stuff, and every +one of the five thousand present wept. And when the funeral was really +finished, over two thousand remained to hear the rest of the program, +which consisted of hymns, missionary reports, static and recitations of +religious poems. We increased the price of the lots in the new addition +one hundred dollars per lot immediately, and we sold four lots that +afternoon and two the next morning. The big metropolitan newspapers all +gave the Westcote Cemetery full page illustrated articles the next +Sunday, and we received during the next week over three hundred letters, +mostly from ministers, praising what we had done. + + * * * * * + +But that was not the best of it. Requests for lots began to come in by +mail. Not only people in Westcote wrote for prices, but people away over +in New Jersey and up in Westchester Country, and even from as far away +as Poughkeepsie and Delaware. We had twice as many requests for lots as +there were lots to sell, and we decided we would have an auction and let +them go to the highest bidders. You see Remington Solander's Talking +Tomb was becoming nationally famous. We began to negotiate with the +owners of six farms adjacent to our cemetery; we figured on buying them +and making more new additions to the cemetery. And then we found we +could not use three of the farms. + +The reason was that the loud speaker in Remington Solander's tomb would +not carry that far; it was not strong enough. So we went to the +executors of his estate and ran up against another snag--nothing in the +radio outfit in the tomb could be altered in any way whatever. That was +in the will. The same loud speaker had to be maintained, the same +wave-length had to be kept, the same makes of batteries had to be used, +the same style of tubes had to be used. Remington Solander had thought +of all that. So we decided to let well enough alone--it was all we could +do anyway. We bought the farms that were reached by the loud speaker and +had them surveyed and laid out in lots--and then the thing happened! + + * * * * * + +Yes, sir, I'll sell my cemetery stock for two cents on the dollar, if +anybody will bid that much for it. For what do you think happened? Along +came the Government of the United States, regulating this radio thing, +and assigned new wave-lengths to all the broadcasting stations. It gave +Remington Solander's endowed broadcasting station WZZZ an 855-meter +wave-length, and it gave that station at Dodwood--station PKX--the +327-meter wave-length, and the next day poor old Remington Solander's +tomb poured fourth "Yes, We Ain't Got No Bananas" and the "Hot Dog" +jazz and "If You Don't See Mama Every Night, You Can't See Mama At All," +and Hink Tubbs in his funny stories, like "Well, one day an Irishman and +a Swede were walking down Broadway and they see a flapper coming towards +them. And she had on one of them short skirts they was wearing, see? So +Mike he says 'Gee be jabbers, Ole, I see a peach.' So the Swede he says +lookin' at the silk stockings, 'Mebby you ban see a peach, Mike, but I +ban see one mighty nice pair.' Well, the other day I went to see my +mother-in-law--" + +You know the sort of program. I don't say that the people who like them +are not entitled to them, but I do say they are not the sort of programs +to loud-speak from a tomb in a cemetery. I expect old Remington Solander +turned clear over in his tomb when those programs began to come through. +I know our board of trustees went right up in the air, but there was not +a thing we could do about it. The newspapers gave us double pages the +next Sunday--"Remington Solander's Jazz Tomb" and "Westcote's Two-Step +Cemetery." And within a week the inmates of our cemetery began to move +out. Friends of people who had been buried over a hundred years came and +moved them to other cemeteries and took the headstones and monuments +with them, and in a month our cemetery looked like one of those Great +War battlefields--like a lot of shell-holes. Not a man, woman or child +was left in the place--except Remington Solander in his granite tomb on +top of the high knoll. What we've got on our hands is a deserted +cemetery. + +They all blame me, but I can't do anything about it. All I can do is +groan--every morning I grab the paper and look for the PKX program and +then I groan. Remington Solander is the lucky man--he's dead. + + +THE END + + + + +Transcriber's Note: + + This etext was produced from _Amazing Stories_ April 1956 and was + first published in _Amazing Stories_ June 1927. Extensive research + did not uncover any evidence that the U.S. copyright on this + publication was renewed. Minor spelling and typographical errors + have been corrected without note. + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Solander's Radio Tomb, by Ellis Parker Butler + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SOLANDER'S RADIO TOMB *** + +***** This file should be named 26856.txt or 26856.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/6/8/5/26856/ + +Produced by Greg Weeks, Stephen Blundell and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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