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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The History of John Bull, by John Arbuthnot
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The History of John Bull
+
+Author: John Arbuthnot
+
+Commentator: Henry Morley
+
+Posting Date: December 22, 2008 [EBook #2643]
+Release Date: May, 2001
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE HISTORY OF JOHN BULL ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Les Bowler
+
+
+
+
+
+THE HISTORY OF JOHN BULL
+
+By John Arbuthnot, M.D.
+
+
+
+
+INTRODUCTION BY HENRY MORLEY.
+
+This is the book which fixed the name and character of John Bull on
+the English people. Though in one part of the story he is thin and long
+nosed, as a result of trouble, generally he is suggested to us as "ruddy
+and plump, with a pair of cheeks like a trumpeter," an honest tradesman,
+simple and straightforward, easily cheated; but when he takes his
+affairs into his own hands, acting with good plain sense, knowing very
+well what he wants done, and doing it.
+
+The book was begun in the year 1712, and published in four successive
+groups of chapters that dealt playfully, from the Tory point of view,
+with public affairs leading up to the Peace of Utrecht. The Peace urged
+and made by the Tories was in these light papers recommended to the
+public. The last touches in the parable refer to the beginning of the
+year 1713, when the Duke of Ormond separated his troops from those of
+the Allies and went to receive Dunkirk as the stipulated condition of
+cessation of arms. After the withdrawal of the British troops, Prince
+Eugene was defeated by Marshal Villars at Denain, and other reverses
+followed. The Peace of Utrecht was signed on the 31st of March.
+
+Some chapters in this book deal in like manner, from the point of view
+of a good-natured Tory of Queen Anne's time, with the feuds of the
+day between Church and Dissent. Other chapters unite with this topic
+a playful account of another chief political event of the time--the
+negotiation leading to the Act of Union between England and Scotland,
+which received the Royal Assent on the 6th of March, 1707; John Bull
+then consented to receive his "Sister Peg" into his house. The Church,
+of course, is John Bull's mother; his first wife is a Whig Parliament,
+his second wife a Tory Parliament, which first met in November, 1710.
+
+This "History of John Bull" began with the first of its four parts
+entitled "Law is a Bottomless Pit, exemplified in the case of Lord
+Strutt, John Bull, Nicholas Frog, and Lewis Baboon, who spent all they
+had in a Law-suit." For Law put War--the War of the Spanish Succession;
+for lawyers, soldiers; for sessions, campaigns; for verdicts, battles
+won; for Humphry Hocus the attorney, Marlborough the general; for law
+expenses, war expenses; and for aim of the whole, to aid the Tory policy
+of peace with France. A second part followed, entitled "John Bull in his
+Senses;" the third part was called "John Bull still in his Senses;" and
+the fourth part, "Lewis Baboon turned Honest, and John Bull Politician."
+The four parts were afterwards arranged into two, as they are here
+reprinted, and published together as "The History of John Bull," with a
+few notes by the author which sufficiently explain its drift.
+
+The author was John Arbuthnot, a physician, familiar friend of Pope and
+Swift, whom Pope addressed as
+
+     "Friend to my life, which did not you prolong,
+      The world had wanted many an idle song;"
+
+and of whom Swift said, that "he has more wit than we all have, and his
+humanity is equal to his wit." "If there were a dozen Arbuthnots in the
+world," said Swift, "I would burn 'Gulliver's Travels.'"
+
+Arbuthnot was of Swift's age, born in 1667, son of a Scotch Episcopal
+clergyman, who lost his living at the Revolution. His sons--all trained
+in High Church principles--left Scotland to seek their fortunes; John
+came to London and taught mathematics. He took his degree of Doctor
+of Medicine at St. Andrews in 1696; found use for mathematics in his
+studies of medicine; became a Fellow of the Royal Society; and being by
+chance at Epsom when Queen Anne's husband was taken ill, prescribed for
+him so successfully that he was made in 1705 Physician Extraordinary,
+and upon the occurrence of a vacancy in 1709 Physician in Ordinary,
+to the Queen. Swift calls him her favourite physician. In 1710 he was
+admitted Fellow of the Royal College of Physicians. That was Arbuthnot's
+position in 1712-13 when, at the age of forty-five, he wrote this
+"History of John Bull." He was personal friend of the Ministers whose
+policy he supported, and especially of Harley, Earl of Oxford, the Sir
+Roger of the History.
+
+After Queen Anne's death, and the coming of the Whigs to power,
+Arbuthnot lost his office at Court. But he was the friend and physician
+of all the wits; himself without literary ambition, allowing friends
+to make what alterations they pleased in pieces that he wrote, or his
+children to make kites of them. A couple of years before his death
+he suffered deeply from the loss of the elder of his two sons. He was
+himself afflicted then with stone, and retired to Hampstead to die. "A
+recovery," he wrote to Swift, "is in my case and in my age impossible;
+the kindest wish of my friends is euthanasia." He died in 1735.
+
+
+
+
+AUTHOR'S PREFACE.
+
+When I was first called to the office of historiographer to John Bull,
+he expressed himself to this purpose:--"Sir Humphrey Polesworth,* I know
+you are a plain dealer; it is for that reason I have chosen you for this
+important trust; speak the truth and spare not." That I might fulfil
+those his honourable intentions, I obtained leave to repair to, and
+attend him in his most secret retirements; and I put the journals of
+all transactions into a strong box, to be opened at a fitting occasion,
+after the manner of the historiographers of some eastern monarchs: this
+I thought was the safest way; though I declare I was never afraid to be
+chopped** by my master for telling of truth. It is from those journals
+that my memoirs are compiled: therefore let not posterity a thousand
+years hence look for truth in the voluminous annals of pedants, who are
+entirely ignorant of the secret springs of great actions; if they do,
+let me tell them they will be nebused.***
+
+     * A Member of Parliament, eminent for a certain cant in his
+     conversation, of which there is a good deal in this book.
+
+     ** A cant word of Sir Humphrey's.
+
+     *** Another cant word, signifying deceived.
+
+With incredible pains have I endeavoured to copy the several beauties
+of the ancient and modern historians; the impartial temper of Herodotus,
+the gravity, austerity, and strict morals of Thucydides, the extensive
+knowledge of Xenophon, the sublimity and grandeur of Titus Livius; and
+to avoid the careless style of Polybius, I have borrowed considerable
+ornaments from Dionysius Halicarnasseus, and Diodorus Siculus. The
+specious gilding of Tacitus I have endeavoured to shun. Mariana, Davila,
+and Fra. Paulo, are those amongst the moderns whom I thought most
+worthy of imitation; but I cannot be so disingenuous, as not to own the
+infinite obligations I have to the "Pilgrim's Progress" of John Bunyan,
+and the "Tenter Belly" of the Reverend Joseph Hall.
+
+From such encouragement and helps, it is easy to guess to what a degree
+of perfection I might have brought this great work, had it not
+been nipped in the bud by some illiterate people in both Houses of
+Parliament, who envying the great figure I was to make in future ages,
+under pretence of raising money for the war,* have padlocked all
+those very pens that were to celebrate the actions of their heroes, by
+silencing at once the whole university of Grub Street. I am persuaded
+that nothing but the prospect of an approaching peace could have
+encouraged them to make so bold a step. But suffer me, in the name of
+the rest of the matriculates of that famous university, to ask them some
+plain questions: Do they think that peace will bring along with it
+the golden age? Will there be never a dying speech of a traitor? Are
+Cethegus and Catiline turned so tame, that there will be no opportunity
+to cry about the streets, "A Dangerous Plot?" Will peace bring such
+plenty that no gentleman will have occasion to go upon the highway, or
+break into a house? I am sorry that the world should be so much imposed
+upon by the dreams of a false prophet, as to imagine the Millennium is
+at hand. O Grub Street! thou fruitful nursery of towering geniuses! How
+do I lament thy downfall? Thy ruin could never be meditated by any who
+meant well to English liberty. No modern lyceum will ever equal thy
+glory: whether in soft pastorals thou didst sing the flames of pampered
+apprentices and coy cook maids; or mournful ditties of departing
+lovers; or if to Maeonian strains thou raisedst thy voice, to record
+the stratagems, the arduous exploits, and the nocturnal scalade of needy
+heroes, the terror of your peaceful citizens, describing the powerful
+Betty or the artful Picklock, or the secret caverns and grottoes of
+Vulcan sweating at his forge, and stamping the queen's image on viler
+metals which he retails for beef and pots of ale; or if thou wert
+content in simple narrative, to relate the cruel acts of implacable
+revenge, or the complaint of ravished virgins blushing to tell their
+adventures before the listening crowd of city damsels, whilst in thy
+faithful history thou intermingledst the gravest counsels and the purest
+morals. Nor less acute and piercing wert thou in thy search and pompous
+descriptions of the works of nature; whether in proper and emphatic
+terms thou didst paint the blazing comet's fiery tail, the stupendous
+force of dreadful thunder and earthquakes, and the unrelenting
+inundations. Sometimes, with Machiavelian sagacity, thou unravelledst
+intrigues of state, and the traitorous conspiracies of rebels, giving
+wise counsel to monarchs. How didst thou move our terror and our pity
+with thy passionate scenes between Jack Catch and the heroes of the Old
+Bailey? How didst thou describe their intrepid march up Holborn Hill?
+Nor didst thou shine less in thy theological capacity, when thou gavest
+ghostly counsels to dying felons, and didst record the guilty pangs of
+Sabbath breakers. How will the noble arts of John Overton's** painting
+and sculpture now languish? where rich invention, proper expression,
+correct design, divine attitudes, and artful contrast, heightened with
+the beauties of Clar. Obscur., embellished thy celebrated pieces, to the
+delight and astonishment of the judicious multitude! Adieu, persuasive
+eloquence! the quaint metaphor, the poignant irony, the proper epithet,
+and the lively simile, are fled for ever! Instead of these, we shall
+have, I know not what! The illiterate will tell the rest with pleasure.
+
+     * Act restraining the liberty of the press, etc.
+
+     ** The engraver of the cuts before the Grub Street papers.
+
+I hope the reader will excuse this digression, due by way of condolence
+to my worthy brethren of Grub Street, for the approaching barbarity
+that is likely to overspread all its regions by this oppressive and
+exorbitant tax. It has been my good fortune to receive my education
+there; and so long as I preserved some figure and rank amongst the
+learned of that society, I scorned to take my degree either at Utrecht
+or Leyden, though I was offered it gratis by the professors in those
+universities.
+
+And now that posterity may not be ignorant in what age so excellent a
+history was written (which would otherwise, no doubt, be the subject of
+its inquiries), I think it proper to inform the learned of future times,
+that it was compiled when Louis XIV. was King of France, and Philip his
+grandson of Spain; when England and Holland, in conjunction with the
+Emperor and the Allies, entered into a war against these two princes,
+which lasted ten years, under the management of the Duke of Marlborough,
+and was put to a conclusion by the Treaty of Utrecht, under the ministry
+of the Earl of Oxford, in the year 1713.
+
+Many at that time did imagine the history of John Bull, and the
+personages mentioned in it, to be allegorical, which the author would
+never own. Notwithstanding, to indulge the reader's fancy and curiosity,
+I have printed at the bottom of the page the supposed allusions of the
+most obscure parts of the story.
+
+
+
+
+
+THE HISTORY OF JOHN BULL.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER I. The Occasion of the Law Suit.
+
+I need not tell you of the great quarrels that have happened in our
+neighbourhood since the death of the late Lord Strutt;* how the parson**
+and a cunning attorney got him to settle his estate upon his cousin
+Philip Baboon, to the great disappointment of his cousin Esquire South.
+Some stick not to say that the parson and the attorney forged a will;
+for which they were well paid by the family of the Baboons. Let that
+be as it will, it is matter of fact that the honour and estate have
+continued ever since in the person of Philip Baboon.
+
+     * Late King of Spain.
+
+     ** Cardinal Portocarero.
+
+You know that the Lord Strutts have for many years been possessed of a
+very great landed estate, well conditioned, wooded, watered, with coal,
+salt, tin, copper, iron, etc., all within themselves; that it has been
+the misfortune of that family to be the property of their stewards,
+tradesmen, and inferior servants, which has brought great incumbrances
+upon them; at the same time, their not abating of their expensive way
+of living has forced them to mortgage their best manors. It is credibly
+reported that the butcher's and baker's bill of a Lord Strutt that lived
+two hundred years ago are not yet paid.
+
+When Philip Baboon came first to the possession of the Lord Strutt's
+estate, his tradesmen,* as is usual upon such occasions, waited upon him
+to wish him joy and bespeak his custom. The two chief were John Bull,**
+the clothier, and Nic. Frog,*** the linendraper. They told him that the
+Bulls and Frogs had served the Lord Strutts with draperyware for many
+years; that they were honest and fair dealers; that their bills had
+never been questioned; that the Lord Strutts lived generously, and
+never used to dirty their fingers with pen, ink, and counters; that
+his lordship might depend upon their honesty that they would use him as
+kindly as they had done his predecessors. The young lord seemed to take
+all in good part, and dismissed them with a deal of seeming content,
+assuring them he did not intend to change any of the honourable maxims
+of his predecessors.
+
+     * The first letters of congratulation from King William and
+     the States of Holland upon King Philip's accession to the
+     crown of Spain.
+
+     ** The English.
+
+     *** The Dutch.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER II. How Bull and Frog grew jealous that the Lord Strutt intended
+to give all his custom to his grandfather Lewis Baboon.
+
+It happened unfortunately for the peace of our neighbourhood that this
+young lord had an old cunning rogue, or, as the Scots call it, a false
+loon of a grandfather, that one might justly call a Jack-of-all-Trades.*
+Sometimes you would see him behind his counter selling broadcloth,
+sometimes measuring linen; next day he would be dealing in merceryware.
+High heads, ribbons, gloves, fans, and lace he understood to a nicety.
+Charles Mather could not bubble a young beau better with a toy; nay, he
+would descend even to the selling of tape, garters, and shoe-buckles.
+When shop was shut up he would go about the neighbourhood and earn
+half-a-crown by teaching the young men and maids to dance. By these
+methods he had acquired immense riches, which he used to squander* away
+at back-sword, quarter-staff, and cudgel-play, in which he took great
+pleasure, and challenged all the country. You will say it is no
+wonder if Bull and Frog should be jealous of this fellow. "It is not
+impossible," says Frog to Bull, "but this old rogue will take the
+management of the young lord's business into his hands; besides, the
+rascal has good ware, and will serve him as cheap as anybody. In that
+case, I leave you to judge what must become of us and our families;
+we must starve, or turn journeyman to old Lewis Baboon. Therefore,
+neighbour, I hold it advisable that we write to young Lord Strutt to
+know the bottom of this matter."
+
+     * The character and trade of the French nation.
+
+     ** The King's disposition to war.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER III. A Copy of Bull and Frog's Letter to Lord Strutt.
+
+My Lord,--I suppose your lordship knows that the Bulls and the Frogs
+have served the Lord Strutts with all sorts of draperyware time out of
+mind. And whereas we are jealous, not without reason, that your lordship
+intends henceforth to buy of your grandsire old Lewis Baboon, this is
+to inform your lordship that this proceeding does not suit with the
+circumstances of our families, who have lived and made a good figure in
+the world by the generosity of the Lord Strutts. Therefore we think fit
+to acquaint your lordship that you must find sufficient security to us,
+our heirs, and assigns that you will not employ Lewis Baboon, or else
+we will take our remedy at law, clap an action upon you of 20,000
+pounds for old debts, seize and distrain your goods and chattels,
+which, considering your lordship's circumstances, will plunge you into
+difficulties, from which it will not be easy to extricate yourself.
+Therefore we hope, when your lordship has better considered on it, you
+will comply with the desire of
+
+Your loving friends,
+
+JOHN BULL,
+
+NIC. FROG.
+
+
+Some of Bull's friends advised him to take gentler methods with the
+young lord, but John naturally loved rough play. It is impossible to
+express the surprise of the Lord Strutt upon the receipt of this letter.
+He was not flush in ready either to go to law or clear old debts,
+neither could he find good bail. He offered to bring matters to a
+friendly accommodation, and promised, upon his word of honour, that he
+would not change his drapers; but all to no purpose, for Bull and Frog
+saw clearly that old Lewis would have the cheating of him.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IV. How Bull and Frog went to law with Lord Strutt about the
+premises, and were joined by the rest of the tradesmen.
+
+All endeavours of accommodation between Lord Strutt and his drapers
+proved vain. Jealousies increased, and, indeed, it was rumoured abroad
+that Lord Strutt had bespoke his new liveries of old Lewis Baboon. This
+coming to Mrs. Bull's ears, when John Bull came home, he found all
+his family in an uproar. Mrs. Bull, you must know, was very apt to be
+choleric. "You sot," says she, "you loiter about alehouses and taverns,
+spend your time at billiards, ninepins, or puppet-shows, or flaunt about
+the streets in your new gilt chariot, never minding me nor your numerous
+family. Don't you hear how Lord Strutt has bespoke his liveries at
+Lewis Baboon's shop? Don't you see how that old fox steals away your
+customers, and turns you out of your business every day, and you sit
+like an idle drone, with your hands in your pockets? Fie upon it. Up
+man, rouse thyself; I'll sell to my shift before I'll be so used by that
+knave."* You must think Mrs. Bull had been pretty well tuned up by Frog,
+who chimed in with her learned harangue. No further delay now, but to
+counsel learned in the law they go, who unanimously assured them both of
+justice and infallible success of their lawsuit.
+
+     * The sentiments and addresses of the Parliament at that
+     time.
+
+I told you before that old Lewis Baboon was a sort of a
+Jack-of-all-trades, which made the rest of the tradesmen jealous, as
+well as Bull and Frog; they hearing of the quarrel, were glad of an
+opportunity of joining against old Lewis Baboon, provided that Bull
+and Frog would bear the charges of the suit. Even lying Ned, the
+chimney-sweeper of Savoy, and Tom, the Portugal dustman, put in their
+claims, and the cause was put into the hands of Humphry Hocus, the
+attorney.
+
+A declaration was drawn up to show "That Bull and Frog had undoubted
+right by prescription to be drapers to the Lord Strutts; that there were
+several old contracts to that purpose; that Lewis Baboon had taken up
+the trade of clothier and draper without serving his time or purchasing
+his freedom; that he sold goods that were not marketable without the
+stamp; that he himself was more fit for a bully than a tradesman, and
+went about through all the country fairs challenging people to fight
+prizes, wrestling and cudgel play, and abundance more to this purpose."
+
+
+
+CHAPTER V. The true characters of John Bull, Nic. Frog, and Hocus.*
+
+     * Characters of the English and Dutch, and the General Duke
+     of Marlborough.
+
+For the better understanding the following history the reader ought
+to know that Bull, in the main, was an honest, plain-dealing fellow,
+choleric, bold, and of a very unconstant temper; he dreaded not old
+Lewis either at back-sword, single falchion, or cudgel-play; but then
+he was very apt to quarrel with his best friends, especially if they
+pretended to govern him. If you flattered him you might lead him like a
+child. John's temper depended very much upon the air; his spirits rose
+and fell with the weather-glass. John was quick and understood his
+business very well, but no man alive was more careless in looking into
+his accounts, or more cheated by partners, apprentices, and servants.
+This was occasioned by his being a boon companion, loving his bottle and
+his diversion; for, to say truth, no man kept a better house than John,
+nor spent his money more generously. By plain and fair dealing John had
+acquired some plums, and might have kept them, had it not been for his
+unhappy lawsuit.
+
+Nic. Frog was a cunning, sly fellow, quite the reverse of John in many
+particulars; covetous, frugal, minded domestic affairs, would pinch his
+belly to save his pocket, never lost a farthing by careless servants
+or bad debtors. He did not care much for any sort of diversion, except
+tricks of high German artists and legerdemain. No man exceeded Nic. in
+these; yet it must be owned that Nic. was a fair dealer, and in that way
+acquired immense riches.
+
+Hocus was an old cunning attorney, and though this was the first
+considerable suit that ever he was engaged in he showed himself superior
+in address to most of his profession. He kept always good clerks, he
+loved money, was smooth-tongued, gave good words, and seldom lost his
+temper. He was not worse than an infidel, for he provided plentifully
+for his family, but he loved himself better than them all. The
+neighbours reported that he was henpecked, which was impossible, by such
+a mild-spirited woman as his wife was.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VI. Of the various success of the Lawsuit.*
+
+     * The success of the war.
+
+Law is a bottomless pit; it is a cormorant, a harpy, that devours
+everything. John Bull was flattered by the lawyers that his suit would
+not last above a year or two at most; that before that time he would be
+in quiet possession of his business; yet ten long years did Hocus steer
+his cause through all the meanders of the law and all the courts. No
+skill, no address was wanting, and, to say truth, John did not starve
+the cause; there wanted not yellowboys to fee counsel, hire witnesses,
+and bribe juries. Lord Strutt was generally cast, never had one verdict
+in his favour, and John was promised that the next, and the next, would
+be the final determination; but, alas! that final determination and
+happy conclusion was like an enchanted island; the nearer John came to
+it the further it went from him. New trials upon new points still arose,
+new doubts, new matters to be cleared; in short, lawyers seldom part
+with so good a cause till they have got the oyster and their clients the
+shell. John's ready money, book debts, bonds, mortgages, all went into
+the lawyers' pockets. Then John began to borrow money upon Bank Stock
+and East India Bonds. Now and then a farm went to pot. At last it was
+thought a good expedient to set up Esquire South's title to prove the
+will forged and dispossess Philip Lord Strutt at once. Here again was a
+new field for the lawyers, and the cause grew more intricate than
+ever. John grew madder and madder; wherever he met any of Lord Strutt's
+servants he tore off their clothes. Now and then you would see them
+come home naked, without shoes, stockings, and linen. As for old Lewis
+Baboon, he was reduced to his last shift, though he had as many as any
+other. His children were reduced from rich silks to doily stuffs, his
+servants in rags and barefooted; instead of good victuals they now lived
+upon neck beef and bullock's liver. In short, nobody got much by the
+matter but the men of law.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VII. How John Bull was so mightily pleased with his success that
+he was going to leave off his trade and turn Lawyer.
+
+It is wisely observed by a great philosopher that habit is a second
+nature. This was verified in the case of John Bull, who, from an honest
+and plain tradesman, had got such a haunt about the Courts of Justice,
+and such a jargon of law words, that he concluded himself as able
+a lawyer as any that pleaded at the bar or sat on the bench. He
+was overheard one day talking to himself after this manner: "How
+capriciously does fate or chance dispose of mankind. How seldom is that
+business allotted to a man for which he is fitted by Nature. It is plain
+I was intended for a man of law. How did my guardians mistake my genius
+in placing me, like a mean slave, behind a counter? Bless me! what
+immense estates these fellows raise by the law. Besides, it is the
+profession of a gentleman. What a pleasure it is to be victorious in
+a cause: to swagger at the bar. What a fool am I to drudge any more in
+this woollen trade. For a lawyer I was born, and a lawyer I will be; one
+is never too old to learn."* All this while John had conned over such a
+catalogue of hard words as were enough to conjure up the devil; these
+he used to babble indifferently in all companies, especially at coffee
+houses, so that his neighbour tradesmen began to shun his company as a
+man that was cracked. Instead of the affairs of Blackwell Hall and price
+of broadcloth, wool, and baizes, he talks of nothing but actions upon
+the case, returns, capias, alias capias, demurrers, venire facias,
+replevins, supersedeases, certioraries, writs of error, actions of
+trover and conversion, trespasses, precipes, and dedimus. This was
+matter of jest to the learned in law; however Hocus and the rest of the
+tribe encouraged John in his fancy, assuring him that he had a great
+genius for law; that they questioned not but in time he might raise
+money enough by it to reimburse him of all his charges; that if he
+studied he would undoubtedly arrive to the dignity of a Lord Chief
+Justice. As for the advice of honest friends and neighbours John
+despised it; he looked upon them as fellows of a low genius, poor
+grovelling mechanics. John reckoned it more honour to have got one
+favourable verdict than to have sold a bale of broadcloth. As for Nic.
+Frog, to say the truth, he was more prudent; for though he followed his
+lawsuit closely he neglected not his ordinary business, but was both in
+court and in his shop at the proper hours.
+
+     * The manners and sentiments of the nation at that time.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII. How John discovered that Hocus had an Intrigue with his
+Wife;* and what followed thereupon.
+
+John had not run on a madding so long had it not been for an extravagant
+wife, whom Hocus perceiving John to be fond of, was resolved to win over
+to his side. It is a true saying, that the last man of the parish
+that knows of his cuckoldom is himself. It was observed by all the
+neighbourhood that Hocus had dealings with John's wife that were not so
+much for his honour; but this was perceived by John a little too late:
+she was a luxurious jade, loved splendid equipages, plays, treats and
+balls, differing very much from the sober manners of her ancestors, and
+by no means fit for a tradesman's wife. Hocus fed her extravagancy (what
+was still more shameful) with John's own money. Everybody said that
+Hocus had a month's mind to her; be that as it will, it is matter of
+fact, that upon all occasions she ran out extravagantly on the praise
+of Hocus. When John used to be finding fault with his bills, she used
+to reproach him as ungrateful to his greatest benefactor; one that had
+taken so much pains in his lawsuit, and retrieved his family from the
+oppression of old Lewis Baboon. A good swinging sum of John's readiest
+cash went towards building of Hocus's country house.** This affair
+between Hocus and Mrs. Bull was now so open, that all the world was
+scandalised at it; John was not so clod-pated, but at last he took the
+hint. The parson of the parish preaching one day with more zeal than
+sense against adultery, Mrs. Bull told her husband that he was a
+very uncivil fellow to use such coarse language before people of
+condition;*** that Hocus was of the same mind, and that they would join
+to have him turned out of his living for using personal reflections. How
+do you mean, says John, by personal reflections? I hope in God, wife,
+he did not reflect upon you? "No, thank God, my reputation is too well
+established in the world to receive any hurt from such a foul-mouthed
+scoundrel as he; his doctrine tends only to make husbands tyrants, and
+wives slaves; must we be shut up, and husbands left to their liberty?
+Very pretty indeed! a wife must never go abroad with a Platonic to see
+a play or a ball; she must never stir without her husband; nor walk in
+Spring Garden with a cousin. I do say, husband, and I will stand by it,
+that without the innocent freedoms of life, matrimony would be a most
+intolerable state; and that a wife's virtue ought to be the result of
+her own reason, and not of her husband's government: for my part, I
+would scorn a husband that would be jealous, if he saw a fellow with
+me." All this while John's blood boiled in his veins: he was now
+confirmed in all his suspicions; the hardest names, were the best words
+that John gave her. Things went from better to worse, till Mrs. Bull
+aimed a knife at John, though John threw a bottle at her head very
+brutally indeed: and after this there was nothing but confusion;
+bottles, glasses, spoons, plates, knives, forks, and dishes, flew about
+like dust; the result of which was, that Mrs. Bull received a bruise
+in her right side of which she died half a year after. The bruise
+imposthumated, and afterwards turned to a stinking ulcer, which made
+everybody shy to come near her, yet she wanted not the help of many
+able physicians, who attended very diligently, and did what men of
+skill could do; but all to no purpose, for her condition was now quite
+desperate, all regular physicians and her nearest relations having given
+her over.****
+
+     * The opinion at that time of the General's tampering with
+     the Parliament.
+
+     ** Blenheim Palace.
+
+     *** The story of Dr. Sacheverel, and the resentment of the
+     House of Commons.
+
+     **** The opinion of the Tories about that House of Commons.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IX. How some Quacks undertook to cure Mrs. Bull of her ulcer.*
+
+There is nothing so impossible in Nature but mountebanks will undertake;
+nothing so incredible but they will affirm: Mrs. Bull's condition was
+looked upon as desperate by all the men of art; but there were those
+that bragged they had an infallible ointment and plaister, which being
+applied to the sore, would cure it in a few days; at the same time they
+would give her a pill that would purge off all her bad humours, sweeten
+her blood, and rectify her disturbed imagination. In spite of all
+applications the patient grew worse every day; she stunk so, nobody
+durst come within a stone's throw of her, except those quacks who
+attended her close, and apprehended no danger. If one asked them how
+Mrs. Bull did? Better and better, said they; the parts heal, and her
+constitution mends: if she submits to our government she will be abroad
+in a little time. Nay, it is reported that they wrote to her friends
+in the country that she should dance a jig next October in Westminster
+Hall, and that her illness had been chiefly owing to bad physicians. At
+last, one of them was sent for in great haste, his patient grew worse
+and worse: when he came, he affirmed that it was a gross mistake, and
+that she was never in a fairer way. Bring hither the salve, says he,
+and give her a plentiful draught of my cordial. As he was applying his
+ointments, and administering the cordial, the patient gave up the ghost,
+to the great confusion of the quack, and the great joy of Bull and his
+friends. The quack flung away out of the house in great disorder,
+and swore there was foul play, for he was sure his medicines were
+infallible. Mrs. Bull having died without any signs of repentance or
+devotion, the clergy would hardly allow her a Christian burial. The
+relations had once resolved to sue John for the murder, but considering
+better of it, and that such a trial would rip up old sores, and discover
+things not so much to the reputation of the deceased, they dropped their
+design. She left no will, only there was found in her strong box the
+following words written on a scrip of paper--"My curse on John Bull,
+and all my posterity, if ever they come to any composition with the Lord
+Strutt."
+
+She left him three daughters, whose names were Polemia, Discordia, and
+Usuria.**
+
+     * Endeavours and hopes of some people to hinder the
+     dissolution of that Parliament.
+
+     ** War, faction, and usury.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER X. Of John Bull's second Wife, and the good Advice that she gave
+him.*
+
+John quickly got the better of his grief, and, seeing that neither his
+constitution nor the affairs of his family, could permit him to live in
+an unmarried state, he resolved to get him another wife; a cousin of his
+last wife's was proposed, but John would have no more of the breed. In
+short, he wedded a sober country gentlewoman, of a good family and a
+plentiful fortune, the reverse of the other in her temper; not but that
+she loved money, for she was saving, and applied her fortune to pay
+John's clamorous debts, that the unfrugal method of his last wife, and
+this ruinous lawsuit, had brought him into. One day, as she had got
+her husband in a good humour, she talked to him after the following
+manner:--"My dear, since I have been your wife, I have observed great
+abuses and disorders in your family: your servants are mutinous and
+quarrelsome, and cheat you most abominably; your cookmaid is in a
+combination with your butcher, poulterer, and fishmonger; your butler
+purloins your liquor, and the brewer sells you hogwash; your baker
+cheats both in weight and in tale; even your milkwoman and your
+nursery-maid have a fellow feeling; your tailor, instead of shreds,
+cabbages whole yards of cloth; besides, leaving such long scores, and
+not going to market with ready money forces us to take bad ware of the
+tradesmen at their own price. You have not posted your books these ten
+years. How is it possible for a man of business to keep his affairs even
+in the world at this rate? Pray God this Hocus be honest; would to God
+you would look over his bills, and see how matters stand between Frog
+and you. Prodigious sums are spent in this lawsuit, and more must be
+borrowed of scriveners and usurers at heavy interest. Besides, my
+dear, let me beg of you to lay aside that wild project of leaving
+your business to turn lawyer, for which, let me tell you, Nature never
+designed you. Believe me, these rogues do but flatter, that they may
+pick your pocket; observe what a parcel of hungry ragged fellows live by
+your cause; to be sure they will never make an end of it. I foresee this
+haunt you have got about the courts will one day or another bring your
+family to beggary. Consider, my dear, how indecent it is to abandon
+your shop and follow pettifoggers; the habit is so strong upon you, that
+there is hardly a plea between two country esquires, about a barren acre
+upon a common, but you draw yourself in as bail, surety, or solicitor."
+John heard her all this while with patience, till she pricked his
+maggot, and touched him in the tender point. Then he broke out into
+a violent passion: "What, I not fit for a lawyer? let me tell you, my
+clod-pated relations spoiled the greatest genius in the world when they
+bred me a mechanic. Lord Strutt, and his old rogue of a grandsire, have
+found to their cost that I can manage a lawsuit as well as another." "I
+don't deny what you say," replied Mrs. Bull, "nor do I call in question
+your parts; but, I say, it does not suit with your circumstances;
+you and your predecessors have lived in good reputation among your
+neighbours by this same clothing-trade, and it were madness to leave it
+off. Besides, there are few that know all the tricks and cheats of these
+lawyers. Does not your own experience teach you how they have drawn you
+on from one term to another, and how you have danced the round of all
+the courts, still flattering you with a final issue; and, for aught I
+can see, your cause is not a bit clearer than it was seven years ago."
+"I will be hanged," says John, "if I accept of any composition from
+Strutt or his grandfather; I'll rather wheel about the streets an engine
+to grind knives and scissors. However, I'll take your advice, and look
+over my accounts."
+
+     * A new Parliament:  the aversion of a Tory House of Commons
+     to war.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XI. How John looked over his Attorney's Bill.*
+
+     * Looking over the accounts.
+
+When John first brought out the bills, the surprise of all the family
+was unexpressible at the prodigious dimensions of them; they would have
+measured with the best bale of cloth in John's shop. Fees to judges,
+puny judges, clerks, prothonotaries, philisers, chirographers,
+under-clerks, proclamators, counsel, witnesses, jurymen, marshals,
+tipstaffs, criers, porters; for enrollings, exemplifications, bails,
+vouchers, returns, caveats, examinations, filings of words, entries,
+declarations, replications, recordats, nolle prosequies, certioraries,
+mittimuses, demurrers, special verdicts, informations, scire facias,
+supersedeas, habeas corpus, coach-hire, treating of witnesses, etc.
+"Verily," says John, "there are a prodigious number of learned words in
+this law; what a pretty science it is!" "Ay but, husband, you have
+paid for every syllable and letter of these fine words. Bless me, what
+immense sums are at the bottom of the account!" John spent several weeks
+in looking over his bills, and, by comparing and stating his accounts,
+he discovered that, besides the extravagance of every article, he had
+been egregiously cheated; that he had paid for counsel that were never
+fee'd, for writs that were never drawn, for dinners that were never
+dressed, and journeys that were never made; in short, that the
+tradesmen, lawyers, and Frog had agreed to throw the burden of the
+lawsuit upon his shoulders.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XII. How John grew angry, and resolved to accept a Composition;
+and what Methods were practised by the Lawyers for keeping him from it.*
+
+Well might the learned Daniel Burgess say, "That a lawsuit is a suit for
+life. He that sows his grain upon marble will have many a hungry belly
+before harvest." This John felt by woeful experience. John's cause was a
+good milch cow, and many a man subsisted his family out of it. However,
+John began to think it high time to look about him. He had a cousin in
+the country, one Sir Roger Bold, whose predecessors had been bred up
+to the law, and knew as much of it as anybody; but having left off
+the profession for some time, they took great pleasure in compounding
+lawsuits among their neighbours, for which they were the aversion of the
+gentlemen of the long robe, and at perpetual war with all the country
+attorneys. John put his cause in Sir Roger's hands, desiring him to make
+the best of it. The news had no sooner reached the ears of the lawyers,
+but they were all in an uproar. They brought all the rest of the
+tradesmen upon John.** Squire South swore he was betrayed, that he would
+starve before he compounded; Frog said he was highly wronged; even
+lying Ned the chimney-sweeper and Tom the dustman complained that their
+interest was sacrificed; the lawyers, solicitors, Hocus and his clerks,
+were all up in arms at the news of the composition: they abused him and
+his wife most shamefully. "You silly, awkward, ill-bred country sow,"
+quoth one, "have you no more manners than to rail at Hocus that has
+saved that clod-pated numskulled ninny-hammer of yours from ruin, and
+all his family? It is well known how he has rose early and sat up late
+to make him easy, when he was sotting at every alehouse in town. I
+knew his last wife: she was a woman of breeding, good humour, and
+complaisance--knew how to live in the world. As for you, you look like a
+puppet moved by clockwork; your clothes hang upon you as they were upon
+tenter-hooks; and you come into a room as you were going to steal away
+a pint pot. Get you gone in the country, to look after your mother's
+poultry, to milk the cows, churn the butter, and dress up nosegays for a
+holiday, and not meddle with matters which you know no more of than
+the sign-post before your door. It is well known that Hocus has an
+established reputation; he never swore an oath, nor told a lie, in all
+his life; he is grateful to his benefactors, faithful to his friends,
+liberal to his dependents, and dutiful to his superiors; he values not
+your money more than the dust under his feet, but he hates to be abused.
+Once for all, Mrs. Minx, leave off talking of Hocus, or I will pull out
+these saucer-eyes of yours, and make that redstreak country face look as
+raw as an ox-cheek upon a butcher's-stall; remember, I say, that there
+are pillories and ducking-stools."*** With this away they flung, leaving
+Mrs. Bull no time to reply. No stone was left unturned to frighten John
+from his composition. Sometimes they spread reports at coffee-houses
+that John and his wife were run mad; that they intended to give up
+house, and make over all their estate to Lewis Baboon; that John had
+been often heard talking to himself, and seen in the streets without
+shoes or stockings; that he did nothing from morning till night but beat
+his servants, after having been the best master alive. As for his wife,
+she was a mere natural. Sometimes John's house was beset with a whole
+regiment of attornies' clerks, bailiffs, and bailiffs' followers, and
+other small retainers of the law, who threw stones at his windows, and
+dirt at himself as he went along the street. When John complained of
+want of ready-money to carry on his suit, they advised him to pawn his
+plate and jewels, and that Mrs. Bull should sell her linen and wearing
+clothes.
+
+     * Talk of peace, and the struggle of the party against it.
+
+     ** The endeavours made use of to stop the Treaty of Peace.
+
+     *** Reflections upon the House of Commons as ignorant, who
+     know nothing of business.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIII. Mrs. Bull's vindication of the indispensable duty
+incumbent upon Wives in case of the Tyranny, Infidelity, or
+Insufficiency of Husbands; being a full Answer to the Doctor's Sermon
+against Adultery.*
+
+     * The Tories' representation of the speeches at Sacheverel's
+     trial.
+
+John found daily fresh proofs of the infidelity and bad designs of his
+deceased wife; amongst other things, one day looking over his cabinet,
+he found the following paper:--
+
+"It is evident that matrimony is founded upon an original contract,
+whereby the wife makes over the right she has by the law of Nature in
+favour of the husband, by which he acquires the property of all her
+posterity. But, then, the obligation is mutual; and where the contract
+is broken on one side it ceases to bind on the other. Where there is a
+right there must be a power to maintain it and to punish the offending
+party. This power I affirm to be that original right, or rather that
+indispensable duty lodged in all wives in the cases above mentioned.
+No wife is bound by any law to which herself has not consented. All
+economical government is lodged originally in the husband and wife, the
+executive part being in the husband; both have their privileges secured
+to them by law and reason; but will any man infer from the husband being
+invested with the executive power, that the wife is deprived of her
+share, and that she has no remedy left but preces and lacrymae, or
+an appeal to a supreme court of judicature? No less frivolous are the
+arrangements that are drawn from the general appellations and terms
+of husband and wife. A husband denotes several different sorts of
+magistracy, according to the usages and customs of different climates
+and countries. In some eastern nations it signifies a tyrant, with the
+absolute power of life and death. In Turkey it denotes an arbitrary
+governor, with power of perpetual imprisonment; in Italy it gives the
+husband the power of poison and padlocks; in the countries of England,
+France, and Holland, it has a quite different meaning, implying a free
+and equal government, securing to the wife in certain cases the liberty
+of change, and the property of pin-money and separate maintenance.
+So that the arguments drawn from the terms of husband and wife are
+fallacious, and by no means fit to support a tyrannical doctrine, as
+that of absolute unlimited chastity and conjugal fidelity.
+
+"The general exhortations to fidelity in wives are meant only for
+rules in ordinary cases, but they naturally suppose three conditions
+of ability, justice, and fidelity in the husband; such an unlimited,
+unconditioned fidelity in the wife could never be supposed by reasonable
+men. It seems a reflection upon the Church to charge her with doctrines
+that countenance oppression.
+
+"This doctrine of the original right of change is congruous to the law
+of Nature, which is superior to all human laws, and for that I dare
+appeal to all wives: It is much to the honour of our English wives that
+they have never given up that fundamental point, and that though in
+former ages they were muffled up in darkness and superstition, yet that
+notion seemed engraven on their minds, and the impression so strong that
+nothing could impair it.
+
+"To assert the illegality of change, upon any pretence whatsoever, were
+to cast odious colours upon the married state, to blacken the necessary
+means of perpetuating families--such laws can never be supposed to have
+been designed to defeat the very end of matrimony. I call them necessary
+means, for in many cases what other means are left? Such a doctrine
+wounds the honour of families, unsettles the titles to kingdoms,
+honours, and estates; for if the actions from which such settlements
+spring were illegal, all that is built upon them must be so too; but
+the last is absurd, therefore the first must be so likewise. What is the
+cause that Europe groans at present under the heavy load of a cruel and
+expensive war, but the tyrannical custom of a certain nation, and the
+scrupulous nicety of a silly queen in not exercising this indispensable
+duty, whereby the kingdom might have had an heir, and a controverted
+succession might have been avoided. These are the effects of the narrow
+maxims of your clergy, 'That one must not do evil that good may come of
+it.'
+
+"The assertors of this indefeasible right, and jus divinum of matrimony,
+do all in their hearts favour the pretenders to married women; for
+if the true legal foundation of the married state be once sapped, and
+instead thereof tyrannical maxims introduced, what must follow but
+elopements instead of secret and peaceable change?
+
+"From all that has been said, one may clearly perceive the absurdity
+of the doctrine of this seditious, discontented, hot-headed, ungifted,
+unedifying preacher, asserting 'that the grand security of the
+matrimonial state, and the pillar upon which it stands, is founded upon
+the wife's belief of an absolute unconditional fidelity to the husband;'
+by which bold assertion he strikes at the root, digs the foundation, and
+removes the basis upon which the happiness of a married state is built.
+As for his personal reflections, I would gladly know who are those
+'wanton wives' he speaks of? who are those ladies of high stations
+that he so boldly traduces in his sermon? It is pretty plain who these
+aspersions are aimed at, for which he deserves the pillory, or something
+worse.
+
+"In confirmation of this doctrine of the indispensable duty of change,
+I could bring the example of the wisest wives in all ages, who by these
+means have preserved their husband's families from ruin and oblivion
+by want of posterity; but what has been said is a sufficient ground for
+punishing this pragmatical parson."
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIV. The two great Parties of Wives, the Devotos and the Hitts.*
+
+     *Those who were for and against the doctrine of
+     nonresistance.
+
+The doctrine of unlimited fidelity in wives was universally espoused by
+all husbands, who went about the country and made the wives sign papers
+signifying their utter detestation and abhorrence of Mrs. Bull's wicked
+doctrine of the indispensable duty of change. Some yielded, others
+refused to part with their native liberty, which gave rise to two great
+parties amongst the wives, the Devotos and the Hitts. Though, it must be
+owned, the distinction was more nominal than real; for the Devotos would
+abuse freedoms sometimes, and those who were distinguished by the name
+of Hitts were often very honest. At the same time there was an ingenious
+treatise came out with the title of "Good Advice to Husbands," in which
+they are counselled not to trust too much to their wives owning the
+doctrine of unlimited conjugal fidelity, and so to neglect a due
+watchfulness over the manners of their wives; that the greatest security
+to husbands was a good usage of their wives and keeping them from
+temptation, many husbands having been sufferers by their trusting too
+much to general professions, as was exemplified in the case of a foolish
+and negligent husband, who, trusting to the efficacy of this principle,
+was undone by his wife's elopement from him.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XV. An Account of the Conference between Mrs. Bull and Don
+Diego.*
+
+     * A Tory nobleman who, by his influence upon the House of
+     Commons, endeavoured to stop the Treaty.
+
+The lawyers, as their last effort to put off the composition, sent Don
+Diego to John. Don Diego was a very worthy gentleman, a friend to John,
+his mother, and present wife, and, therefore, supposed to have some
+influence over her. He had been ill used himself by John's lawyers, but
+because of some animosity to Sir Roger was against the composition. The
+conference between him and Mrs. Bull was word for word as follows:--
+
+DON DIEGO.--Is it possible, cousin Bull, that you can forget the
+honourable maxims of the family you are come of, and break your word
+with three of the honestest, best-meaning persons in the world--Esquires
+South, Frog, and Hocus--that have sacrificed their interests to yours?
+It is base to take advantage of their simplicity and credulity, and
+leave them in the lurch at last.
+
+MRS. BULL--I am sure they have left my family in a bad condition, we
+have hardly money to go to market; and nobody will take our words for
+sixpence. A very fine spark this Esquire South! My husband took him in,
+a dirty boy. It was the business of half the servants to attend him.*
+The rogue did bawl and make such a noise: sometimes he fell in the
+fire and burnt his face, sometimes broke his shins clambering over the
+benches, and always came in so dirty, as if he had been dragged through
+the kennel at a boarding-school. He lost his money at chuck-farthing,
+shuffle-cap, and all-fours; sold his books, pawned his linen, which we
+were always forced to redeem. Then the whole generation of him are so in
+love with bagpipes and puppet-shows! I wish you knew what my husband has
+paid at the pastry-cook's and confectioner's for Naples biscuits, tarts,
+custards, and sweetmeats. All this while my husband considered him as
+a gentleman of a good family that had fallen into decay, gave him
+good education, and has settled him in a good creditable way of
+living--having procured him, by his interest, one of the best places of
+the country. And what return, think you, does this fine gentleman
+make us? he will hardly give me or my husband a good word, or a civil
+expression. Instead of Sir and Madam (which, though I say it, is our
+due), he calls us "goody" and "gaffer" such-a-one; says he did us a
+great deal of honour to board with us; huffs and dings at such a rate,
+because we will not spend the little we have left to get him the title
+and estate of Lord Strutt; and then forsooth, we shall have the honour
+to be his woollen-drapers.** Besides, Esquire South will be Esquire
+South still; fickle, proud, and ungrateful. If he behaves himself so
+when he depends on us for his daily bread, can any man say what he will
+do when he is got above the world?
+
+     * Something relating to the manners of a great prince,
+     superstition, love of operas, shows, etc.
+
+     ** Something relating to forms and titles.
+
+D. DIEGO.--And would you lose the honour of so noble and generous an
+undertaking? Would you rather accept this scandalous composition, and
+trust that old rogue, Lewis Baboon?
+
+MRS. BULL.--Look you, Friend Diego, if we law it on till Lewis turns
+honest, I am afraid our credit will run low at Blackwell Hall. I wish
+every man had his own; but I still say, that Lord Strutt's money shines
+as bright and chinks as well as Esquire South's. I don't know any other
+hold that we tradesmen have of these great folks but their interest: buy
+dear and sell cheap, and I warrant ye you will keep your customer. The
+worst is, that Lord Strutt's servants have got such a haunt about that
+old rogue's shop, that it will cost us many a firkin of strong beer to
+bring them back again; and the longer they are in a bad road, the harder
+it will be to get them out of it.
+
+D. DIEGO.--But poor Frog, what has he done! On my conscience, if there
+be an honest, sincere man in the world, it is that Frog.
+
+MRS. BULL.--I think I need not tell you how much Frog has been obliged
+to our family from his childhood; he carries his head high now, but
+he had never been the man he is without our help.* Ever since the
+commencement of this lawsuit, it has been the business of Hocus, in
+sharing out expenses, to plead for Frog. "Poor Frog," says he, "is in
+hard circumstances, he has a numerous family, and lives from hand to
+mouth; his children don't eat a bit of good victuals from one year's end
+to the other, but live upon salt herring, sour curd, and borecole. He
+does his utmost, poor fellow, to keep things even in the world, and has
+exerted himself beyond his ability in this lawsuit; but he really has
+not wherewithal to go on. What signifies this hundred pounds? place it
+upon your side of the account; it is a great deal to poor Frog, and a
+trifle to you." This has been Hocus's constant language, and I am sure
+he has had obligations enough to us to have acted another part.
+
+     * Complaints of the House of Commons of the unequal burden
+     of the war.
+
+D. DIEGO.--No doubt Hocus meant all this for the best, but he is a
+tender-hearted, charitable man; Frog is indeed in hard circumstances.
+
+MRS. BULL--Hard circumstances! I swear this is provoking to the last
+degree. All the time of the lawsuit, as fast as I have mortgaged, Frog
+has purchased: from a plain tradesman, with a shop, warehouse, and a
+country hut with a dirty fish-pond at the end of it, he is now grown a
+very rich country gentleman, with a noble landed estate, noble palaces,
+manors, parks, gardens, and farms, finer than any we were ever master
+of.* Is it not strange, when my husband disbursed great sums every
+term, Frog should be purchasing some new farm or manor? so that if this
+lawsuit lasts, he will be far the richest man in his country. What is
+worse than all this, he steals away my customers every day; twelve of
+the richest and the best have left my shop by his persuasion, and whom,
+to my certain knowledge, he has under bonds never to return again: judge
+you if this be neighbourly dealing.
+
+     * The Dutch acquisitions in Flanders.
+
+D. DIEGO--Frog is indeed pretty close in his dealings, but very honest:
+you are so touchy, and take things so hotly, I am sure there must be
+some mistake in this.
+
+MRS. BULL--A plaguy one indeed! You know, and have often told me of it,
+how Hocus and those rogues kept my husband, John Bull, drunk for five
+years together with punch and strong waters: I am sure he never went one
+night sober to bed, till they got him to sign the strangest deed that
+ever you saw in your life. The methods they took to manage him I'll tell
+you another time; at present I'll read only the writing.
+
+Articles of Agreement betwixt JOHN BULL, Clothier, and NICHOLAS FROG,
+Linen-draper.*
+
+     * The sentiments of the House of Commons, and their
+     representation of the Barrier Treaty.
+
+I. That for maintaining the ancient good correspondence and friendship
+between the said parties, I, Nicholas Frog, do solemnly engage and
+promise to keep peace in John Bull's family; that neither his
+wife, children, nor servants, give him any trouble, disturbance, or
+molestation whatsoever, but to oblige them all to do their duty quietly
+in their respective stations. And whereas the said John Bull, from
+the assured confidence that he has in my friendship, has appointed me
+executor of his last will and testament, and guardian to his children, I
+do undertake for me, my heirs and assigns, to see the same duly executed
+and performed, and that it shall be unalterable in all its parts by John
+Bull, or anybody else: for that purpose it shall be lawful and allowable
+for me to enter his house at any hour of the day or night, to break open
+bars, bolts, and doors, chests of drawers, and strong boxes, in order
+to secure the peace of my friend John Bull's family, and to see his will
+duly executed.
+
+II. In consideration of which kind neighbourly office of Nicholas Frog,
+in that he has been pleased to accept of the aforesaid trust, I, John
+Bull, having duly considered that my friend, Nicholas Frog, at this
+time lives in a marshy soil and unwholesome air, infested with fogs and
+damps, destructive of the health of himself, wife, and children, do bind
+and oblige me, my heirs and assigns, to purchase for the said Nicholas
+Frog, with the best and readiest of my cash, bonds, mortgages, goods and
+chattels, a landed estate, with parks, gardens, palaces, rivers, fields,
+and outlets, consisting of as large extent as the said Nicholas Frog
+shall think fit. And whereas the said Nicholas Frog is at present hemmed
+in too close by the grounds of Lewis Baboon, master of the science of
+defence, I, the said John Bull, do oblige myself with the readiest of my
+cash, to purchase and enclose the said grounds, for as many fields and
+acres as the said Nicholas shall think fit; to the intent that the said
+Nicholas may have free egress and regress, without let or molestation,
+suitable to the demands of himself and family.
+
+III. Furthermore, the said John Bull obliges himself to make the country
+neighbours of Nicholas Frog allot a certain part of yearly rents, to pay
+for the repairs of the said landed estate, to the intent that his good
+friend, Nicholas Frog, may be eased of all charges.
+
+IV. And whereas the said Nicholas Frog did contract with the deceased
+Lord Strutt about certain liberties, privileges, and immunities,
+formerly in the possession of the said John Bull, I, the said John Bull,
+do freely by these presents, renounce, quit, and make over to the said
+Nicholas, the liberties, privileges, and immunities contracted for, in
+as full a manner, as if they never had belonged to me.
+
+V. The said John Bull obliges himself, his heirs and assigns, not
+to sell one rag of broad or coarse cloth to any gentleman within the
+neighbourhood of the said Nicholas, except in such quantities and such
+rates as the said Nicholas shall think fit.
+
+Signed and sealed,
+
+JOHN BULL,
+
+NIC. FROG.
+
+The reading of this paper put Mrs. Bull in such a passion that she fell
+downright into a fit, and they were forced to give her a good quantity
+of the spirit of hartshorn before she recovered.
+
+D. DIEGO--Why in such a passion, cousin? considering your circumstances
+at that time, I don't think this such an unreasonable contract. You see
+Frog, for all this, is religiously true to his bargain; he scorns to
+hearken to any composition without your privacy.
+
+MRS. BULL.--You know the contrary.* Read that letter.
+
+[Reads the superscription.] For Lewis Baboon, Master of the Noble
+Science of Defence.
+
+"SIR.--I understand that you are at this time treating with my friend
+John Bull, about restoring the Lord Strutt's custom, and besides
+allowing him certain privileges of parks and fish-ponds; I wonder how
+you that are a man that knows the world, can talk with that simple
+fellow. He has been my bubble these twenty years, and to my certain
+knowledge, understands no more of his own affairs than a child in
+swaddling clothes. I know he has got a sort of a pragmatical silly jade
+of a wife, that pretends to take him out of my hands; but you and she
+both will find yourselves mistaken; I'll find those that shall manage
+her; and for him, he dares as well be hanged as make one step in his
+affairs without my consent. If you will give me what you promised him, I
+will make all things easy, and stop the deeds of ejectment against Lord
+Strutt: if you will not, take what follows. I shall have a good action
+against you, for pretending to rob me of my bubble. Take this warning
+from
+
+"Your loving friend,
+
+"NIC. FROG."
+
+     * Secret negotiations of the Dutch at that time.
+
+I am told, cousin Diego, you are one of those that have undertaken to
+manage me, and that you have said you will carry a green bag yourself,
+rather than we shall make an end of our lawsuit: I'll teach them and you
+too to manage.
+
+D. DIEGO.--For God's sake, madam, why so choleric? I say this letter is
+some forgery; it never entered into the head of that honest man, Nic.
+Frog, to do any such thing.
+
+MRS. BULL.--I can't abide you. You have been railing these twenty years
+at Squire South, Frog, and Hocus, calling them rogues and pickpockets,
+and now they are turned the honestest fellows in the world. What is the
+meaning of all this?
+
+D. DIEGO.--Pray tell me how you came to employ this Sir Roger in your
+affairs, and not think of your old friend Diego?
+
+MRS. BULL.--So, so, there it pinches. To tell you truth, I have employed
+Sir Roger in several weighty affairs, and have found him trusty and
+honest, and the poor man always scorned to take a farthing of me. I have
+abundance that profess great zeal, but they are damnable greedy of the
+pence. My husband and I are now in such circumstances, that we must be
+served upon cheaper terms than we have been.
+
+D. DIEGO.--Well, cousin, I find I can do no good with you; I am sorry
+that you will ruin yourself by trusting this Sir Roger.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVI. How the guardians of the deceased Mrs. Bull's three
+daughters came to John, and what advice they gave him; wherein is
+briefly treated the characters of the three daughters. Also John Bull's
+answer to the three guardians.*
+
+     * Concerns of the party, and speeches for carrying on the
+     war, etc. Sentiments of the Tories and House of Commons
+     against continuing the war for setting King Charles upon the
+     throne of Spain.
+
+I told you in a former chapter that Mrs. Bull, before she departed this
+life, had blessed John with three daughters. I need not here repeat
+their names, neither would I willingly use any scandalous reflections
+upon young ladies, whose reputations ought to be very tenderly handled;
+but the characters of these were so well known in the neighbourhood,
+that it is doing them no injury to make a short description of them.
+
+The eldest* was a termagant, imperious, prodigal, lewd, profligate
+wench, as ever breathed; she used to rantipole about the house, pinch
+the children, kick the servants, and torture the cats and the dogs; she
+would rob her father's strong box, for money to give the young fellows
+that she was fond of. She had a noble air, and something great in her
+mien, but such a noisome infectious breath, as threw all the servants
+that dressed her into consumptions; if she smelt to the freshest
+nosegay, it would shrivel and wither as it had been blighted: she used
+to come home in her cups, and break the china, and the looking-glasses;
+and was of such an irregular temper, and so entirely given up to her
+passion, that you might argue as well with the North wind, as with her
+ladyship: so expensive, that the income of three dukedoms was not enough
+to supply her extravagance. Hocus loved her best, believing her to be
+his own, got upon the body of Mrs. Bull.
+
+     * Polemia.
+
+The second daughter,* born a year after her sister, was a peevish,
+froward, ill-conditioned creature as ever was, ugly as the devil, lean,
+haggard, pale, with saucer eyes, a sharp nose, and hunched backed; but
+active, sprightly, and diligent about her affairs. Her ill complexion
+was occasioned by her bad diet, which was coffee** morning, noon, and
+night. She never rested quietly a-bed, but used to disturb the whole
+family with shrieking out in her dreams, and plague them next day with
+interpreting them, for she took them all for gospel; she would cry
+out "Murder!" and disturb the whole neighbourhood; and when John came
+running downstairs to inquire what the matter was, nothing forsooth,
+only her maid had stuck a pin wrong in her gown; she turned away one
+servant for putting too much oil in her salad, and another for putting
+too little salt in her water-gruel; but such as by flattery had procured
+her esteem, she would indulge in the greatest crime. Her father had
+two coachmen; when one was in the coach-box, if the coach swung but
+the least to one side, she used to shriek so loud, that all the street
+concluded she was overturned; but though the other was eternally drunk,
+and had overturned the whole family, she was very angry with her father
+for turning him away. Then she used to carry tales and stories from one
+to another, till she had set the whole neighbourhood together by the
+ears; and this was the only diversion she took pleasure in. She never
+went abroad, but she brought home such a bundle of monstrous lies, as
+would have amazed any mortal, but such as know her: of a whale that had
+swallowed a fleet of ships; of the lions being let out of the Tower,
+to destroy the Protestant religion; of the Pope's being seen in a
+brandy-shop at Wapping; and a prodigious strong man that was going to
+shove down the cupola of St. Paul's; of three millions of five pound
+pieces that Squire South had found under an old wall; of blazing stars,
+flying dragons, and abundance of such stuff. All the servants in the
+family made high court to her, for she domineered there, and turned out
+and in whom she pleased; only there was an old grudge between her and
+Sir Roger, whom she mortally hated and used to hire fellows to squirt
+kennel water upon him as he passed along the streets; so that he was
+forced constantly to wear a surtout of oiled cloth, by which means he
+came home pretty clean, except where the surtout was a little scanty.
+
+     * Discordia.
+
+     ** Coffee-house tattle.
+
+As for the third* she was a thief and a common mercenary. She had no
+respect of persons: a prince or a porter was all one, according as they
+paid; yea, she would leave the finest gentleman in the world to go to an
+ugly fellow for sixpence more. In the practice of her profession she
+had amassed vast magazines of all sorts of things: she had above five
+hundred suits of fine clothes, and yet went abroad like a cinder wench.
+She robbed and starved all the servants, so that nobody could live near
+her.
+
+     * Usuria.
+
+So much for John's three daughters, which you will say were rarities
+to be fond of. Yet Nature will shew itself. Nobody could blame their
+relations for taking care of them, and therefore it was that Hocus, with
+two other of the guardians, thought it their duty to take care of the
+interest of the three girls and give John their best advice before he
+compounded the lawsuit.
+
+HOCUS.--What makes you so shy of late, my good friend? There's nobody
+loves you better than I, nor has taken more pains in your affairs. As
+I hope to be saved I would do anything to serve you; I would crawl upon
+all fours to serve you; I have spent my health and paternal estate in
+your service. I have, indeed, a small pittance left, with which I might
+retire, and with as good a conscience as any man; but the thoughts of
+this disgraceful composition so touches me to the quick that I cannot
+sleep. After I had brought the cause to the last stroke, that one
+verdict more had quite ruined old Lewis and Lord Strutt, and put you in
+the quiet possession of everything--then to compound! I cannot bear it.
+This cause was my favourite; I had set my heart upon it; it is like an
+only child; I cannot endure it should miscarry. For God's sake consider
+only to what a dismal condition old Lewis is brought. He is at an end of
+all his cash; his attorneys have hardly one trick left; they are at an
+end of all their chicane; besides, he has both his law and his daily
+bread now upon trust. Hold out only one term longer, and I'll warrant
+you before the next we shall have him in the Fleet. I'll bring him to
+the pillory; his ears shall pay for his perjuries. For the love of God
+don't compound. Let me be damned if you have a friend in the world that
+loves you better than I. There is nobody can say I am covetous or that I
+have any interests to pursue but yours.
+
+SECOND GUARDIAN.--There is nothing so plain as that this Lewis has a
+design to ruin all his neighbouring tradesmen, and at this time he has
+such a prodigious income by his trade of all kinds, that, if there
+is not some stop put to his exorbitant riches, he will monopolise
+everything; nobody will be able to sell a yard of drapery or mercery
+ware but himself. I then hold it advisable that you continue the lawsuit
+and burst him at once. My concern for the three poor motherless children
+obliges me to give you this advice; for their estates, poor girls,
+depend upon the success of this cause.
+
+THIRD GUARDIAN.--I own this Writ of Ejectment has cost dear, but then
+consider it is a jewel well worth the purchasing at the price of all
+you have. None but Mr. Bull's declared enemies can say he has any other
+security for his clothing trade but the ejectment of Lord Strutt. The
+only question, then, that remains to be decided is: who shall stand the
+expenses of the suit? To which the answer is as plain: who but he that
+is to have the advantage of the sentence? When Esquire South has got
+possession of his title and honour is not John Bull to be his clothier?
+Who, then, but John ought to put in possession? Ask but any indifferent
+gentleman, Who ought to bear his charges at law? and he will readily
+answer, His tradesmen. I do therefore affirm, and I will go to death
+with it, that, being his clothier, you ought to put him in quiet
+possession of his estate, and with the same generous spirit you have
+begun it complete the good work. If you persist in the bad measures you
+are now in, what must become of the three poor orphans! My heart bleeds
+for the poor girls.
+
+JOHN BULL.--You are all very eloquent persons, but give me leave to tell
+you you express a great deal more concern for the three girls than for
+me. I think my interest ought to be considered in the first place. As
+for you, Hocus, I can't but say you have managed my lawsuit with great
+address and much to my honour, and, though I say it, you have been well
+paid for it. Why must the burden be taken off Frog's back and laid upon
+my shoulders? He can drive about his own parks and fields in his gilt
+chariot, when I have been forced to mortgage my estate; his note will
+go farther than my bond. Is it not matter of fact, that from the richest
+tradesman in all the country, I am reduced to beg and borrow from
+scriveners and usurers that suck the heart, blood, and guts out of me,
+and what is all this for! Did you like Frog's countenance better than
+mine? Was not I your old friend and relation? Have I not presented you
+nobly? Have I not clad your whole family? Have you not had a hundred
+yards at a time of the finest cloth in my shop? Why must the rest of the
+tradesmen be not only indemnified from charges, but forbid to go on
+with their own business, and what is more their concern than mine? As to
+holding out this term I appeal to your own conscience, has not that been
+your constant discourse these six years, "One term more and old Lewis
+goes to pot?" If thou art so fond of my cause be generous for once, and
+lend me a brace of thousands. Ah, Hocus! Hocus! I know thee: not a sous
+to save me from jail, I trow. Look ye, gentlemen, I have lived with
+credit in the world, and it grieves my heart never to stir out of my
+doors but to be pulled by the sleeve by some rascally dun or other.
+"Sir, remember my bill. There's a small concern of a thousand pounds; I
+hope you think on't, sir." And to have these usurers transact my debts
+at coffee-houses and ale-houses, as if I were going to break up shop.
+Lord! that ever the rich, the generous John Bull, clothier, the envy
+of all his neighbours, should be brought to compound his debts for five
+shillings in the pound, and to have his name in an advertisement for
+a statute of bankrupt. The thought of it makes me mad. I have read
+somewhere in the Apocrypha, "That one should not consult with a woman
+touching her of whom she is jealous; nor with a merchant concerning
+exchange; nor with a buyer, of selling; nor with an unmerciful man, of
+kindness, etc." I could have added one thing more: nor with an attorney
+about compounding a lawsuit. The ejectment of Lord Strutt will never do.
+The evidence is crimp: the witnesses swear backwards and forwards, and
+contradict themselves; and his tenants stick by him. One tells me that
+I must carry on my suit, because Lewis is poor; another, because he is
+still too rich: whom shall I believe? I am sure of one thing, that a
+penny in the purse is the best friend John can have at last, and who can
+say that this will be the last suit I shall be engaged in? Besides,
+if this ejectment were practicable is it reasonable that, when Esquire
+South is losing his money to sharpers and pickpockets, going about the
+country with fiddlers and buffoons, and squandering his income with
+hawks and dogs, I should lay out the fruits of my honest industry in a
+lawsuit for him, only upon the hopes of being his clothier? And when
+the cause is over I shall not have the benefit of my project for want of
+money to go to market. Look ye, gentlemen, John Bull is but a plain man,
+but John Bull knows when he is ill used. I know the infirmity of our
+family: we are apt to play the boon-companion and throw away our money
+in our cups. But it was an unfair thing in you, gentlemen, to take
+advantage of my weakness, to keep a parcel of roaring bullies about me
+day and night, with huzzas and hunting horns, and ringing the changes on
+butcher's cleavers; never let me cool, and make me set my hand to papers
+when I could hardly hold my pen. There will come a day of reckoning for
+all that proceeding. In the meantime, gentlemen, I beg you will let me
+into my affairs a little, and that you would not grudge me the small
+remainder of a very great estate.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVII. Esquire South's Message and Letter to Mrs. Bull.*
+
+     * Complaints of the deficiencies of the House of Austria,
+     Prince Eugene's journey and message.
+
+The arguments used by Hocus and the rest of the guardians had hitherto
+proved insufficient. John and his wife could not be persuaded to bear
+the expense of Esquire South's lawsuit. They thought it reasonable
+that, since he was to have the honour and advantage, he should bear the
+greatest share of the charges, and retrench what he lost to sharpers and
+spent upon country dances and puppet plays to apply it to that use. This
+was not very grateful to the esquire; therefore, as the last experiment,
+he was resolved to send Signior Benenato, master of his foxhounds, to
+Mrs. Bull to try what good he could do with her. This Signior Benenato
+had all the qualities of a fine gentleman that were set to charm a
+lady's heart, and if any person in the world could have persuaded her
+it was he. But such was her unshaken fidelity to her husband, and the
+constant purpose of her mind to pursue his interest, that the most
+refined arts of gallantry that were practised could not seduce her
+heart. The necklaces, diamond crosses, and rich bracelets that were
+offered she rejected with the utmost scorn and disdain. The music and
+serenades that were given her sounded more ungratefully in her ears than
+the noise of a screech owl. However, she received Esquire South's letter
+by the hands of Signior Benenato with that respect which became his
+quality. The copy of the letter is as follows, in which you will observe
+he changes a little his usual style:--
+
+MADAM,--The Writ of Ejectment against Philip Baboon (pretended Lord
+Strutt) is just ready to pass. There want but a few necessary forms and
+a verdict or two more to put me in the quiet possession of my honour and
+estate. I question not but that, according to your wonted generosity and
+goodness, you will give it the finishing stroke: an honour that I would
+grudge anybody but yourself. In order to ease you of some part of the
+charges, I promise to furnish pen, ink, and paper, provided you pay
+for the stamps. Besides, I have ordered my stewards to pay out of the
+readiest and best of my rents five pounds ten shillings a year till
+my suit is finished. I wish you health and happiness, being with due
+respect,
+
+Madam, your assured friend,
+
+SOUTH.
+
+
+What answer Mrs. Bull returned to this letter you shall know in
+my second part, only they were at a pretty good distance in their
+proposals; for as Esquire South only offered to be at the charges of
+pen, ink, and paper, Mrs. Bull refused any more than to lend her barge*
+to carry his counsel to Westminster Hall.
+
+     * Sending the English Fleet to convoy the forces to
+     Barcelona.
+
+
+
+
+PART II.
+
+
+
+
+THE PUBLISHER'S PREFACE.
+
+The world is much indebted to the famous Sir Humphry Polesworth for his
+ingenious and impartial account of John Bull's lawsuit. Yet there is
+just cause of complaint against him, in that he relates it only by
+parcels, and won't give us the whole work. This forces me, who am only
+the publisher, to bespeak the assistance of his friends and acquaintance
+to engage him to lay aside that stingey humour and gratify the curiosity
+of the public at once. He pleads in excuse that they are only private
+memoirs, wrote for his own use in a loose style to serve as a help to
+his ordinary conversation. I represented to him the good reception the
+first part had met with; that, though calculated only for the meridian
+of Grub Street, it was yet taken notice of by the better sort; that the
+world was now sufficiently acquainted with John Bull, and interested
+itself in his concerns. He answered with a smile, that he had, indeed,
+some trifling things to impart that concerned John Bull's relations and
+domestic affairs. If these would satisfy me he gave me free leave to
+make use of them, because they would serve to make the history of the
+lawsuit more intelligible. When I had looked over the manuscript I found
+likewise some further account of the composition, which, perhaps, may
+not be unacceptable to such as have read the former part.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER I. The Character of John Bull's Mother.*
+
+     * The Church of England.
+
+John had a mother whom he loved and honoured extremely, a discreet,
+grave, sober, good-conditioned, cleanly old gentlewoman as ever lived.
+She was none of your cross-grained, termagant, scolding jades that one
+had as good be hanged as live in the house with, such as are always
+censuring the conduct and telling scandalous stories of their
+neighbours, extolling their own good qualities and undervaluing those
+of others. On the contrary, she was of a meek spirit, and, as she was
+strictly virtuous herself, so she always put the best construction
+upon the words and actions of her neighbours, except where they were
+irreconcileable to the rules of honesty and decency. She was neither
+one of your precise prudes, nor one of your fantastical old belles that
+dress themselves like girls of fifteen; as she neither wore a ruff,
+forehead-cloth, nor high-crowned hat, so she had laid aside feathers,
+flowers, and crimpt ribbons in her head-dress, furbelow-scarfs, and
+hooped-petticoats. She scorned to patch and paint, yet she loved to
+keep her hands and her face clean. Though she wore no flaunting laced
+ruffles, she would not keep herself in a constant sweat with greasy
+flannel. Though her hair was not stuck with jewels, she was not ashamed
+of a diamond cross; she was not, like some ladies, hung about with toys
+and trinkets, tweezer-cases, pocket-glasses, and essence-bottles; she
+used only a gold watch and an almanack to mark the hours and the holy
+days.
+
+Her furniture was neat and genteel, well fancied with a bon gout. As she
+affected not the grandeur of a state with a canopy, she thought there
+was no offence in an elbow-chair. She had laid aside your carving,
+gilding, and Japan work as being too apt to gather dirt. But she never
+could be prevailed upon to part with plain wainscot and clean hangings.
+There are some ladies that affect to smell a stink in everything; they
+are always highly perfumed, and continually burning frankincense in
+their rooms. She was above such affectation, yet she never would lay
+aside the use of brooms and scrubbing-brushes, and scrupled not to lay
+her linen in fresh lavender.
+
+She was no less genteel in her behaviour, well-bred, without
+affectation; in the due mean between one of your affected, curtseying
+pieces of formality and your romps that have no regard to the common
+rules of civility. There are some ladies that affect a mighty regard for
+their relations. "We must not eat to-day, for my uncle Tom, or my cousin
+Betty, died this time ten years. Let's have a ball to-night, it is my
+neighbour Such-a-one's birthday." She looked upon all this as grimace,
+yet she constantly observed her husband's birthday, her wedding-day, and
+some few more.
+
+Though she was a truly good woman, and had a sincere motherly love for
+her son John, yet there wanted not those who endeavoured to create a
+misunderstanding between them, and they had so far prevailed with him
+once that he turned her out of doors, to his great sorrow, as he found
+afterwards, for his affairs went on at sixes and sevens.
+
+She was no less judicious in the turn of her conversation and choice of
+her studies, in which she far exceeded all her sex. Your rakes that hate
+the company of all sober, grave gentlewomen would bear hers, and she
+would, by her handsome manner of proceeding, sooner reclaim than some
+that were more sour and reserved. She was a zealous preacher up of
+conjugal fidelity in wives, and by no means a friend to the new-fangled
+doctrine of the indispensable duty of change. Though she advanced her
+opinions with a becoming assurance, yet she never ushered them in as
+some positive creatures will do, with dogmatical assertions. "This is
+infallible; I cannot be mistaken; none but a rogue can deny it." It has
+been observed that such people are oftener in the wrong than anybody.
+
+Though she had a thousand good qualities, she was not without her
+faults, amongst which one might, perhaps, reckon too great lenity to
+her servants, to whom she always gave good counsel, but often too
+gentle correction. I thought I could not say less of John Bull's mother,
+because she bears a part in the following transactions.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER II. The Character of John Bull's Sister Peg,* with the Quarrels
+that happened between Master and Miss in their Childhood.
+
+     * The nation and Church of Scotland.
+
+John had a sister, a poor girl that had been starved at nurse. Anybody
+would have guessed Miss to have been bred up under the influence of a
+cruel stepdame, and John to be the fondling of a tender mother. John
+looked ruddy and plump, with a pair of cheeks like a trumpeter; Miss
+looked pale and wan, as if she had the green sickness; and no wonder,
+for John was the darling: he had all the good bits, was crammed with
+good pullet, chicken, pig, goose, and capon; while Miss had only a
+little oatmeal and water, or a dry crust without butter. John had his
+golden pippins, peaches, and nectarines; poor Miss, a crab-apple, sloe,
+or a blackberry. Master lay in the best apartment, with his bedchamber
+towards the south sun. Miss lodged in a garret exposed to the north
+wind, which shrivelled her countenance. However, this usage, though it
+stunted the girl in her growth, gave her a hardy constitution; she had
+life and spirit in abundance, and knew when she was ill-used. Now and
+then she would seize upon John's commons, snatch a leg of a pullet, or
+a bit of good beef, for which they were sure to go to fisticuffs. Master
+was indeed too strong for her, but Miss would not yield in the least
+point; but even when Master had got her down, she would scratch and bite
+like a tiger; when he gave her a cuff on the ear, she would prick him
+with her knitting-needle. John brought a great chain one day to tie her
+to the bedpost, for which affront Miss aimed a penknife at his heart. In
+short, these quarrels grew up to rooted aversions; they gave one another
+nicknames, though the girl was a tight clever wench as any was, and
+through her pale looks you might discern spirit and vivacity, which made
+her not, indeed, a perfect beauty, but something that was agreeable. It
+was barbarous in parents not to take notice of these early quarrels, and
+make them live better together, such domestic feuds proving afterwards
+the occasion of misfortunes to them both. Peg had, indeed, some odd
+humours* and comical antipathy, for which John would jeer her. "What
+think you of my sister Peg," says he, "that faints at the sound of an
+organ, and yet will dance and frisk at the noise of a bagpipe?" "What's
+that to you?" quoth Peg. "Everybody's to choose their own music." Then
+Peg had taken a fancy not to say her Paternoster, which made people
+imagine strange things of her. Of the three brothers that have made such
+a clutter in the world--Lord Peter, Martin, and Jack--Jack had of late
+been her inclinations. Lord Peter she detested, nor did Martin stand
+much better in her good graces; but Jack had found the way to her heart.
+I have often admired what charms she discovered in that awkward booby,
+till I talked with a person that was acquainted with the intrigue, who
+gave me the following account of it.
+
+     * Love of Presbytery.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER III. Jack's Charms,* or the Method by which he gained Peg's
+Heart.
+
+     * Character of the Presbyterians.
+
+In the first place, Jack was a very young fellow, by much the youngest
+of the three brothers, and people, indeed, wondered how such a young
+upstart jackanapes should grow so pert and saucy, and take so much upon
+him.
+
+Jack bragged of greater abilities than other men. He was well gifted,
+as he pretended: I need not tell you what secret influence that has upon
+the ladies.
+
+Jack had a most scandalous tongue, and persuaded Peg that all mankind,
+besides himself, were plagued by that scarlet-faced woman, Signiora
+Bubonia.* "As for his brother, Lord Peter, the tokens were evident on
+him--blotches and scabs. His brother Martin, though he was not quite
+so bad, had some nocturnal pains, which his friends pretended were only
+scorbutical; but he was sure it proceeded from a worse cause." By such
+malicious insinuations he had possessed the lady that he was the only
+man in the world of a sound, pure, and untainted constitution, though
+there were some that stuck not to say that Signiora Bubonia and Jack
+railed at one another only the better to hide an intrigue, and that Jack
+had been found with Signiora under his cloak, carrying her home on a
+dark stormy night.
+
+     * The Woman of Babylon, or the Pope.
+
+Jack was a prodigious ogler; he would ogle you the outside of his eye
+inward, and the white upward.
+
+Jack gave himself out for a man of a great estate in the Fortunate
+Islands, of which the sole property was vested in his person. By this
+trick he cheated abundance of poor people of small sums, pretending to
+make over plantations in the said islands; but when the poor wretches
+came there with Jack's grant, they were beat, mocked, and turned out of
+doors.
+
+I told you that Peg was whimsical, and loved anything that was
+particular. In that way Jack was her man, for he neither thought, spoke,
+dressed, nor acted like other mortals. He was for your bold strokes. He
+railed at fops, though he was himself the most affected in the world;
+instead of the common fashion, he would visit his mistress in a
+mourning-cloak, band, short cuffs, and a peaked beard. He invented a way
+of coming into a room backwards, which he said showed more humility and
+less affectation. Where other people stood, he sat; where they sat, he
+stood; when he went to Court, he used to kick away the state, and sit
+down by his prince cheek by jowl. "Confound these states," says he,
+"they are a modern invention." When he spoke to his prince, he always
+turned his back upon him. If he was advised to fast for his health, he
+would eat roast beef; if he was allowed a more plentiful diet, then
+he would be sure that day to live upon water-gruel; he would cry at a
+wedding, laugh and make jests at a funeral.
+
+He was no less singular in his opinions. You would have burst your sides
+to hear him talk of politics. "All government," says he, "is founded
+upon the right distribution of punishments: decent executions keep
+the world in awe; for that reason, the majority of mankind ought to be
+hanged every year. For example, I suppose the magistrate ought to pass
+an irreversible sentence upon all blue-eyed children from the cradle;
+but that there may be some show of justice in this proceeding, these
+children ought to be trained up by masters, appointed for that purpose,
+to all sorts of villany, that they may deserve their fate, and the
+execution of them may serve as an object of terror to the rest of
+mankind."* As to the giving of pardons, he had this singular method:**
+that when these wretches had the rope about their necks, it should be
+inquired who believed they should be hanged, and who not? The first were
+to be pardoned, the last hanged outright. Such as were once pardoned
+were never to be hanged afterwards for any crime whatsoever. He had such
+skill in physiognomy, that he would pronounce peremptorily upon a man's
+face. "That fellow," says he, "do what he will, can't avoid hanging;
+he has a hanging look." By the same art he would prognosticate a
+principality to a scoundrel.
+
+     * Absolute predestination and reprobation.
+
+     ** Saving Faith:  a belief that one shall certainly be
+     saved.
+
+He was no less particular in the choice of his studies; they were
+generally bent towards exploded chimeras*--the perpetuum mobile, the
+circular shot, philosopher's stone, silent gunpowder, making chains
+for fleas, nets for flies, and instruments to unravel cobwebs and split
+hairs.
+
+     * The learning of the Presbyterians.
+
+Thus, I think, I have given a distinct account of the methods he
+practised upon Peg. Her brother would now and then ask her, "What dost
+thou see in that pragmatical coxcomb to make thee so in love with him?
+He is a fit match for a tailor's or a shoemaker's daughter, but not for
+you that are a gentlewoman?" "Fancy is free," quoth Peg; "I'll take my
+own way, do you take yours. I do not care for your flaunting beaus, that
+gang with their breasts open, and their sarks over their waistcoats,
+that accost me with set speeches out of Sidney's 'Arcadia' or the
+'Academy of Compliments.' Jack is a sober, grave young man; though he
+has none of your studied harangues, his meaning is sincere. He has a
+great regard to his father's will, and he that shows himself a good son
+will make a good husband. Besides, I know he has the original deed of
+conveyance to the Fortunate Islands; the others are counterfeits." There
+is nothing so obstinate as a young lady in her amours; the more you
+cross her, the worse she is.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IV. How the relations reconciled John and his sister Peg, and
+what return Peg made to John's message.*
+
+     * The Treaty of Union.  Reason of it:  the Succession not
+     being settled in Scotland.  Fears for the Presbyterian
+     Church Government, and of being burdened with the English
+     National Debts.
+
+John Bull, otherwise a good-natured man, was very hard-hearted to his
+sister Peg, chiefly from an aversion he had conceived in his infancy.
+While he flourished, kept a warm house, and drove a plentiful trade,
+poor Peg was forced to go hawking and peddling about the streets selling
+knives, scissors, and shoe-buckles; now and then carried a basket of
+fish to the market; sewed, spun, and knit for a livelihood, till her
+fingers' ends were sore; and when she could not get bread for her
+family, she was forced to hire them out at journey-work to her
+neighbours. Yet in these her poor circumstances she still preserved
+the air and mien of a gentlewoman--a certain decent pride that extorted
+respect from the haughtiest of her neighbours. When she came in to any
+full assembly, she would not yield the pas to the best of them. If one
+asked her, "Are not you related to John Bull?" "Yes," says she, "he
+has the honour to be my brother." So Peg's affairs went till all the
+relations cried out shame upon John for his barbarous usage of his own
+flesh and blood; that it was an easy matter for him to put her in a
+creditable way of living, not only without hurt, but with advantage to
+himself, seeing she was an industrious person, and might be serviceable
+to him in his way of business. "Hang her, jade," quoth John, "I can't
+endure her as long as she keeps that rascal Jack's company." They told
+him the way to reclaim her was to take her into his house; that by
+conversation the childish humours of their younger days might be worn
+out. These arguments were enforced by a certain incident. It happened
+that John was at that time about making his will* and entailing his
+estate, the very same in which Nic. Frog is named executor. Now, his
+sister Peg's name being in the entail, he could not make a thorough
+settlement without her consent. There was, indeed, a malicious story
+went about as if John's last wife had fallen in love with Jack as he
+was eating custard on horseback;** that she persuaded John to take his
+sister into the house the better to drive on the intrigue with Jack,
+concluding he would follow his mistress Peg. All I can infer from this
+story is that when one has got a bad character in the world people will
+report and believe anything of them, true or false. But to return to
+my story. When Peg received John's message she huffed and stormed:
+"My brother John," quoth she, "is grown wondrous kind-hearted all of
+a sudden, but I meikle doubt whether it be not mair for their own
+conveniency than for my good; he draws up his writs and his deeds,
+forsooth, and I must set my hand to them, unsight, unseen. I like the
+young man he has settled upon well enough, but I think I ought to have
+a valuable consideration for my consent. He wants my poor little farm
+because it makes a nook in his park-wall. Ye may e'en tell him he has
+mair than he makes good use of; he gangs up and down drinking, roaring,
+and quarrelling, through all the country markets, making foolish
+bargains in his cups, which he repents when he is sober; like a
+thriftless wretch, spending the goods and gear that his forefathers
+won with the sweat of their brows: light come, light go, he cares not a
+farthing. But why should I stand surety for his contracts? The little I
+have is free, and I can call it my awn--hame's hame, let it be never so
+hamely. I ken him well enough, he could never abide me, and when he has
+his ends he'll e'en use me as he did before. I'm sure I shall be treated
+like a poor drudge--I shall be set to tend the bairns, darn the hose,
+and mend the linen. Then there's no living with that old carline his
+mother; she rails at Jack, and Jack's an honester man than any of her
+kin: I shall be plagued with her spells and her Paternosters, and silly
+old world ceremonies; I mun never pare my nails on a Friday, nor begin a
+journey on Childermas Day; and I mun stand beeking and binging as I
+gang out and into the hall. Tell him he may e'en gang his get; I'll have
+nothing to do with him; I'll stay like the poor country mouse, in my awn
+habitation." So Peg talked; but for all that, by the interposition of
+good friends, and by many a bonny thing that was sent, and many more
+that were promised Peg, the matter was concluded, and Peg taken into the
+house upon certain articles:*** one of which was that she might have the
+freedom of Jack's conversation, and might take him for better and for
+worse if she pleased: provided always he did not come into the house at
+unseasonable hours and disturb the rest of the old woman, John's mother.
+
+     * The Act of Succession.
+
+     ** A Presbyterian Lord Mayor.
+
+     *** The Act of Toleration.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER V. Of some Quarrels that happened after Peg was taken into the
+Family.*
+
+     *Quarrels about some of the Articles of Union, particularly
+     the peerage.
+
+It is an old observation that the quarrels of relations are harder to
+reconcile than any other; injuries from friends fret and gall more,
+and the memory of them is not so easily obliterated. This is cunningly
+represented by one of your old sages called Aesop, in the story of the
+bird that was grieved extremely at being wounded with an arrow feathered
+with his own wing; as also of the oak that let many a heavy groan when
+he was cleft with a wedge of his own timber.
+
+There was no man in the world less subject to rancour than John Bull,
+considering how often his good nature has been abused; yet I don't
+know but he was too apt to hearken to tattling people that carry tales
+between him and his sister Peg, on purpose to sow jealousies and set
+them together by the ears. They say that there were some hardships put
+upon Peg which had been better let alone; but it was the business
+of good people to restrain the injuries on one side and moderate the
+resentments on the other--a good friend acts both parts, the one without
+the other will not do.
+
+The purchase-money of Peg's farm was ill paid;* then Peg loved a little
+good liquor, and the servants shut up the wine-cellar; but for that Peg
+found a trick, for she made a false key.** Peg's servants complained
+that they were debarred from all manner of business, and never suffered
+to touch the least thing within the house; if they offered to come into
+the warehouse, then straight went the yard slap over their noddle; if
+they ventured into the counting-room a fellow would throw an ink-bottle
+at their head; if they came into the best apartment to set anything
+there in order, they were saluted with a broom; if they meddled with
+anything in the kitchen it was odds but the cook laid them over the pate
+with a ladle; one that would have got into the stables was met by two
+rascals, who fell to work with him with a brush and a curry-comb; some
+climbing up into the coachbox, were told that one of their companions
+had been there before that could not drive, then slap went the long whip
+about their ears.
+
+     * The equivalent not paid.
+
+     ** Run wine.
+
+On the other hand, it was complained that Peg's servants were always
+asking for drink-money; that they had more than their share of the
+Christmas-box.* To say the truth, Peg's lads bustled pretty hard for
+that, for when they were endeavouring to lock it up they got in their
+great fists and pulled out handfuls of halfcrowns, shillings, and
+sixpences. Others in the scramble picked up guineas and broad-pieces.
+But there happened a worse thing than all this: it was complained that
+Peg's servants had great stomachs, and brought so many of their friends
+and acquaintance to the table that John's family was like to be eaten
+out of house and home. Instead of regulating this matter as it ought to
+be, Peg's young men were thrust away from the table; then there was the
+devil and all to do--spoons, plates, and dishes flew about the room like
+mad, and Sir Roger, who was now Majordomo, had enough to do to quiet
+them. Peg said this was contrary to agreement, whereby she was in all
+things to be treated like a child of the family. Then she called upon
+those that had made her such fair promises, and undertook for her
+brother John's good behaviour; but, alas! to her cost she found that
+they were the first and readiest to do her the injury. John at last
+agreed to this regulation: that Peg's footmen might sit with his
+book-keeper, journeymen, and apprentices, and Peg's better sort of
+servants might sit with his footmen if they pleased.**
+
+     * Endeavoured to get their share of places.
+
+     ** Articles of Union, whereby they could make a Scot's
+     commoner, but not a lord a peer.
+
+Then they began to order plum-porridge and minced pies for Peg's dinner.
+Peg told them she had an aversion to that sort of food; that upon
+forcing down a mess of it some years ago it threw her into a fit till
+she brought it up again. Some alleged it was nothing but humour, that
+the same mess should be served up again for supper, and breakfast next
+morning; others would have made use of a horn, but the wiser sort bid
+let her alone, and she might take to it of her own accord.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VI. The conversation between John Bull and his wife.*
+
+     * The history of the Partition Treaty; suspicions at that
+     time that the French King intended to take the whole, and
+     that he revealed the secret to the Court of Spain.
+
+MRS. BULL.--Though our affairs, honey, are in a bad condition, I have
+a better opinion of them since you seemed to be convinced of the ill
+course you have been in, and are resolved to submit to proper remedies.
+But when I consider your immense debts, your foolish bargains, and the
+general disorder of your business, I have a curiosity to know what fate
+or chance has brought you into this condition.
+
+JOHN BULL.--I wish you would talk of some other subject, the thoughts of
+it makes me mad; our family must have their run.
+
+MRS. BULL.--But such a strange thing as this never happened to any of
+your family before: they have had lawsuits, but, though they spent the
+income, they never mortgaged the stock. Sure, you must have some of the
+Norman or the Norfolk blood in you. Prithee, give me some account of
+these matters.
+
+JOHN BULL.--Who could help it? There lives not such a fellow by bread as
+that old Lewis Baboon: he is the most cheating, contentious rogue upon
+the face of the earth. You must know, one day, as Nic. Frog and I were
+over a bottle making up an old quarrel, the old fellow would needs have
+us drink a bottle of his champagne, and so one after another, till my
+friend Nic. and I, not being used to such heady stuff, got very drunk.
+Lewis all the while, either by the strength of his brain or flinching
+his glass, kept himself sober as a judge. "My worthy friends," quoth
+Lewis, "henceforth let us live neighbourly; I am as peaceable and quiet
+as a lamb of my own temper, but it has been my misfortune to live among
+quarrelsome neighbours. There is but one thing can make us fall out,
+and that is the inheritance of Lord Strutt's estate: I am content, for
+peace' sake, to waive my right, and submit to any expedient to prevent
+a lawsuit; I think an equal division* will be the fairest way." "Well
+moved, Old Lewis," quoth Frog, "and I hope my friend John here will
+not be refractory." At the same time he clapped me on the back, and
+slabbered me all over from cheek to cheek with his great tongue. "Do as
+you please, gentlemen," quoth I, "'tis all one to John Bull." We agreed
+to part that night, and next morning to meet at the corner of Lord
+Strutt's park wall, with our surveying instruments, which accordingly
+we did. Old Lewis carried a chain and a semicircle; Nic., paper, rulers,
+and a lead pencil; and I followed at some distance with a long pole. We
+began first with surveying the meadow grounds, afterwards we measured
+the cornfields, close by close; then we proceeded to the woodlands, the
+copper and tin mines.** All this while Nic. laid down everything exactly
+upon paper, calculated the acres and roods to a great nicety. When
+we had finished the land, we were going to break into the house
+and gardens, to take an inventory of his plate, pictures, and other
+furniture.
+
+     * The Partition Treaty.
+
+     ** The West Indies.
+
+MRS. BULL.--What said Lord Strutt to all this?
+
+JOHN BULL.--As we had almost finished our concern, we were accosted by
+some of Lord Strutt's servants. "Heyday! what's here? what a devil's
+the meaning of all these trangrams and gimcracks, gentlemen? What in the
+name of wonder, are you going about, jumping over my master's hedges,
+and running your lines cross his grounds? If you are at any field
+pastime, you might have asked leave: my master is a civil well-bred
+person as any is."
+
+MRS. BULL.--What could you answer to this?
+
+JOHN BULL.--Why, truly, my neighbour Frog and I were still hot-headed;
+we told him his master was an old doting puppy, that minded nothing of
+his own business; that we were surveying his estate, and settling it
+for him, since he would not do it himself. Upon this there happened a
+quarrel, but we being stronger than they, sent them away with a flea in
+their ear. They went home and told their master. "My lord," say they,
+"there are three odd sort of fellows going about your grounds with the
+strangest machines that ever we beheld in our life: I suppose they are
+going to rob your orchard, fell your trees, or drive away your cattle.
+They told us strange things of settling your estate--one is a lusty
+old fellow in a black wig, with a black beard, without teeth; there's
+another, thick squat fellow, in trunk hose; the third is a little,
+long-nosed, thin man (I was then lean, being just come out of a fit
+of sickness)--I suppose it is fit to send after them, lest they carry
+something away?"
+
+MRS. BULL.--I fancy this put the old fellow in a rare tweague.
+
+JOHN BULL.--Weak as he was, he called for his long Toledo, swore and
+bounced about the room: "'Sdeath! what am I come to, to be affronted
+so by my tradesmen? I know the rascals: my barber, clothier, and
+linen-draper dispose of my estate! Bring hither my blunderbuss; I'll
+warrant ye you shall see daylight through them. Scoundrels! dogs! the
+scum of the earth! Frog, that was my father's kitchen-boy, he pretend to
+meddle with my estate--with my will! Ah, poor Strutt! what are thou come
+to at last? Thou hast lived too long in the world, to see thy age and
+infirmity so despised! How will the ghosts of my noble ancestors receive
+these tidings?--they cannot, they must not sleep quietly in their
+graves." In short, the old gentleman was carried off in a fainting fit,
+and after bleeding in both arms hardly recovered.
+
+MRS. BULL.--Really this was a very extraordinary way of proceeding! I
+long to hear the rest of it.
+
+JOHN BULL.--After we had come back to the tavern, and taken t'other
+bottle of champagne, we quarrelled a little about the division of the
+estate. Lewis hauled and pulled the map on one side and Frog and I on
+t'other, till we had like to have tore the parchment to pieces. At last
+Lewis pulled out a pair of great tailor's shears and clipt a corner for
+himself, which he said was a manor that lay convenient for him, and left
+Frog and me the rest to dispose of as we pleased. We were overjoyed to
+think Lewis was contented with so little, not smelling what was at the
+bottom of the plot. There happened, indeed, an incident that gave us
+some disturbance. A cunning fellow, one of my servants, two days after,
+peeping through the keyhole, observed that old Lewis had stole away
+our part of the map, and saw him fiddling and turning the map from one
+corner to the other, trying to join the two pieces together again. He
+was muttering something to himself, which he did not well hear, only
+these words, "'Tis great pity! 'tis great pity!" My servant added that
+he believed this had some ill meaning. I told him he was a coxcomb,
+always pretending to be wiser than his companions. Lewis and I are good
+friends, he's an honest fellow, and I daresay will stand to his bargain.
+The sequel of the story proved this fellow's suspicion to be too well
+grounded; for Lewis revealed our whole secret to the deceased Lord
+Strutt, who in reward for his treachery, and revenge to Frog and
+me, settled his whole estate upon the present Philip Baboon. Then we
+understood what he meant by piecing the map together.
+
+MRS. BULL.--And were you surprised at this? Had not Lord Strutt
+reason to be angry? Would you have been contented to have been so used
+yourself?
+
+JOHN BULL.--Why, truly, wife, it was not easily reconciled to the common
+methods; but then it was the fashion to do such things. I have read of
+your golden age, your silver age, etc.; one might justly call this
+the age of the lawyers. There was hardly a man of substance in all the
+country but had a counterfeit that pretended to his estate.* As the
+philosophers say that there is a duplicate of every terrestrial animal
+at sea, so it was in this age of the lawyers: there were at least two
+of everything; nay, o' my conscience, I think there were three Esquire
+Hackums** at one time. In short, it was usual for a parcel of fellows
+to meet and dispose of the whole estates in the country. "This lies
+convenient for me, Tom. Thou wouldst do more good with that, Dick, than
+the old fellow that has it." So to law they went with the true owners:
+the lawyers got well by it; everybody else was undone. It was a common
+thing for an honest man when he came home at night to find another
+fellow domineering in his family, hectoring his servants, and calling
+for supper. In every house you might observe two Sosias quarrelling who
+was master. For my own part, I am still afraid of the same treatment:
+that I should find somebody behind my counter selling my broad-cloth.
+
+     * Several Pretenders at that time.
+
+     ** Kings of England.
+
+MRS. BULL.--There is a sort of fellows they call banterers and
+bamboozlers that play such tricks, but it seems these fellows were in
+earnest.
+
+JOHN BULL.--I begin to think that justice is a better rule than
+conveniency, for all some people make so slight on it.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VII. Of the hard shifts Mrs. Bull was put to preserve the Manor
+of Bullock's Hatch, with Sir Roger's method to keep off importunate
+duns.*
+
+     * Some attempts to destroy the public credit at that time.
+     Manners of the Earl of Oxford.
+
+As John Bull and his wife were talking together they were surprised with
+a sudden knocking at the door. "Those wicked scriveners and lawyers, no
+doubt," quoth John; and so it was, some asking for the money he owed,
+and others warning to prepare for the approaching term. "What a cursed
+life do I lead!" quoth John; "debt is like deadly sin. For God's sake,
+Sir Roger, get me rid of the fellows." "I'll warrant you," quoth Sir
+Roger; "leave them to me." And, indeed, it was pleasant enough to
+observe Sir Roger's method with these importunate duns. His sincere
+friendship for John Bull made him submit to many things for his service
+which he would have scorned to have done for himself. Sometimes he would
+stand at the door with his long staff to keep off the duns, until
+John got out at the back door. When the lawyers and tradesmen brought
+extravagant bills Sir Roger used to bargain beforehand for leave to cut
+off a quarter of a yard in any part of the bill he pleased; he wore a
+pair of scissors in his pocket for this purpose, and would snip it off
+so nicely as you cannot imagine. Like a true goldsmith he kept all your
+holidays; there was not one wanting in his calendar; when ready money
+was scarce, he would set them a-telling a thousand pounds in sixpences,
+groats, and threepenny-pieces. It would have done your heart good to
+have seen him charge through an army of lawyers, attorneys, clerks, and
+tradesmen; sometimes with sword in hand, at other times nuzzling like
+an eel in the mud. When a fellow stuck like a bur, that there was no
+shaking him off, he used to be mighty inquisitive about the health of
+his uncles and aunts in the country; he could call them all by their
+names, for he knew everybody, and could talk to them in their own way.
+The extremely impertinent he would send away to see some strange sight,
+as the Dragon of Hockley the Hole, or bid him call the 30th of next
+February. Now and then you would see him in the kitchen, weighing the
+beef and butter, paying ready money, that the maids might not run a tick
+at the market, and the butchers, by bribing of them, sell damaged and
+light meat.* Another time he would slip into the cellar and gauge the
+casks. In his leisure minutes he was posting his books and gathering in
+his debts. Such frugal methods were necessary where money was so scarce
+and duns so numerous. All this while John kept his credit, could show
+his head both at 'Change and Westminster Hall; no man protested his bill
+nor refused his bond; only the sharpers and the scriveners, the lawyers
+and other clerks pelted Sir Roger as he went along. The squirters were
+at it with their kennel water, for they were mad for the loss of
+their bubble, and that they could not get him to mortgage the manor
+of Bullock's Hatch. Sir Roger shook his ears and nuzzled along, well
+satisfied within himself that he was doing a charitable work in rescuing
+an honest man from the claws of harpies and bloodsuckers. Mrs. Bull did
+all that an affectionate wife, and a good housewife, could do; yet the
+boundaries of virtues are indivisible lines. It is impossible to march
+up close to the frontiers of frugality without entering the territories
+of parsimony. Your good housewives are apt to look into the minutest
+things; therefore some blamed Mrs. Bull for new heel-pieceing of her
+shoes, grudging a quarter of a pound of soap and sand to scour the
+rooms**; but, especially, that she would not allow her maids and
+apprentices the benefit of "John Bunyan," the "London Apprentices," or
+the "Seven Champions," in the black letter.***
+
+     * Some regulations as to the purveyance in the Queen's
+     family.
+
+     ** Too great savings in the House of Commons.
+
+     *** Restraining the liberty of the Press by Act of
+     Parliament.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII. A continuation of the conversation betwixt John Bull and
+his wife.
+
+MRS. BULL.--It is a most sad life we lead, my dear, to be so teazed,
+paying interest for old debts, and still contracting new ones. However,
+I don't blame you for vindicating your honour and chastising old Lewis.
+To curb the insolent, protect the oppressed, recover one's own, and
+defend what one has, are good effects of the law. The only thing I want
+to know is how you came to make an end of your money before you finished
+your suit.
+
+JOHN BULL.--I was told by the learned in the law that my suit stood upon
+three firm pillars: more money for more law, more law for more
+money, and no composition. More money for more law was plain to a
+demonstration, for who can go to law without money? and it was plain
+that any man that has money may have law for it. The third was as
+evident as the other two; for what composition could be made with a
+rogue that never kept a word he said?
+
+MRS. BULL.--I think you are most likely to get out of this labyrinth
+by the second door, by want of ready money to purchase this precious
+commodity. But you seem not only to have bought too much of it, but have
+paid too dear for what you bought, else how was it possible to run
+so much in debt when at this very time the yearly income of what is
+mortgaged to those usurers would discharge Hocus's bills, and give you
+your bellyfull of law for all your life, without running one sixpence
+in debt? You have been bred up to business; I suppose you can cypher; I
+wonder you never used your pen and ink.
+
+JOHN BULL.--Now you urge me too far; prithee, dear wife, hold thy
+tongue. Suppose a young heir, heedless, raw, and inexperienced, full
+of spirit and vigour, with a favourite passion, in the hands of money
+scriveners. Such fellows are like your wire-drawing mills: if they get
+hold of a man's finger they will pull in his whole body at last, till
+they squeeze the heart, blood, and guts out of him. When I wanted money,
+half a dozen of these fellows were always waiting in my ante-chamber
+with their securities ready drawn.* I was tempted with the ready, some
+farm or other went to pot. I received with one hand, and paid it away
+with the other to lawyers that, like so many hell hounds, were ready to
+devour me. Then the rogues would plead poverty and scarcity of money,
+which always ended in receiving ninety for the hundred. After they had
+got possession of my best rents they were able to supply me with my own
+money. But, what was worse, when I looked into the securities there was
+no clause of redemption.
+
+     * Methods of preying upon the necessities of the Government.
+
+MRS. BULL.--No clause of redemption, say you? That's hard.
+
+JOHN BULL.--No great matter. For I cannot pay them. They had got a
+worse trick than that. The same man bought and sold to himself, paid the
+money, and gave the acquittance; the same man was butcher and grazier,
+brewer and butler, cook and poulterer. There is something still worse
+than all this. There came twenty bills upon me at once, which I had
+given money to discharge. I was like to be pulled to pieces by brewer,
+butcher, and baker; even my herb-woman dunned me as I went along the
+streets. Thanks to my friend Sir Roger, else I must have gone to jail.
+When I asked the meaning of this, I was told the money went to the
+lawyers. "Counsel won't tick, sir." Hocus was urging; my book-keeper
+sat sotting all day, playing at Put and All-fours. In short, by griping
+usurers, devouring lawyers, and negligent servants I am brought to this
+pass.
+
+MRS. BULL.--This was hard usage. But methinks the least reflection might
+have retrieved you.
+
+JOHN BULL.--'Tis true; yet consider my circumstances--my honour was
+engaged, and I did not know how to get out. Besides, I was for five
+years often drunk, always muddled; they carried me from tavern to
+tavern, to ale-houses and brandy-shops, and brought me acquainted with
+such strange dogs. "There goes the prettiest fellow in the world," says
+one, "for managing a jury: make him yours. There's another can pick you
+up witnesses. Serjeant such-a-one has a silver tongue at the bar."* I
+believe, in time I should have retained every single person within the
+Inns of Court. The night after a trial I treated the lawyers, their
+wives, and daughters, with fiddles, hautboys, drums, and trumpets. I was
+always hot-headed. Then they placed me in the middle, the attorneys and
+their clerks dancing about me, whooping and holloing, "Long live John
+Bull, the glory and support of the law!"
+
+     * Hiring still more troops.
+
+MRS. BULL.--Really, husband, you went through a very notable course.
+
+JOHN BULL.--One of the things that first alarmed me was that they showed
+a spite against my poor old mother.* "Lord," quoth I, "what makes you
+so jealous of a poor, old, innocent gentlewoman, that minds only her
+prayers and her Practice of Piety? She never meddles in any of your
+concerns." "Fob," say they, "to see a handsome, brisk, genteel young
+fellow so much governed by a doting old woman! Do you consider she keeps
+you out of a good jointure? She has the best of your estate settled upon
+her for a rent-charge. Hang her, old thief! turn her out of doors,
+seize her lands, and let her go to law if she dares." "Soft and fair,
+gentlemen," quoth I; "my mother's my mother, our family are not of an
+unnatural temper. Though I don't take all her advice, I won't seize her
+jointure; long may she enjoy it, good woman; I don't grudge it her. She
+allows me now and then a brace of hundreds for my lawsuit; that's pretty
+fair." About this time the old gentlewoman fell ill of an odd sort of a
+distemper.**
+
+     * Railing against the Church.
+
+     ** Carelessness in forms and discipline.
+
+It began with a coldness and numbness in her limbs, which by degrees
+affected the nerves (I think the physicians call them), seized the
+brain, and at last ended in a lethargy. It betrayed itself at first in
+a sort of indifference and carelessness in all her actions, coldness to
+her best friends, and an aversion to stir or go about the common offices
+of life. She, that was the cleanliest creature in the world, never
+shrank now if you set a close-stool under her nose. She that would
+sometimes rattle off her servants pretty sharply, now if she saw them
+drink, or heard them talk profanely, never took any notice of it.
+Instead of her usual charities to deserving persons, she threw away her
+money upon roaring, swearing bullies and beggars, that went about the
+streets.* "What is the matter with the old gentlewoman?" said everybody;
+"she never used to do in this manner." At last the distemper grew more
+violent, and threw her downright into raving fits, in which she shrieked
+out so loud that she disturbed the whole neighbourhood.** In her fits
+she called upon one Sir William.*** "Oh! Sir William, thou hast betrayed
+me, killed me, stabbed me! See, see! Clum with his bloody knife! Seize
+him! seize him! stop him! Behold the fury with her hissing snakes!
+Where's my son John? Is he well, is he well? Poor man! I pity him!" And
+abundance more of such strange stuff, that nobody could make anything
+of.
+
+     * Disposing of some preferments to libertine and
+     unprincipled persons.
+
+     ** The too violent clamour about the danger of the Church.
+
+     *** Sir William, a cant name of Sir Humphry's for Lord
+     Treasurer Godolphin.
+
+I knew little of the matter; for when I inquired about her health, the
+answer was that she was in a good moderate way. Physicians were sent for
+in haste. Sir Roger, with great difficulty, brought Ratcliff; Garth came
+upon the first message. There were several others called in, but, as
+usual upon such occasions, they differed strangely at the consultation.
+At last they divided into two parties; one sided with Garth, the other
+with Ratcliff.* Dr. Garth said, "This case seems to me to be plainly
+hysterical; the old woman is whimsical; it is a common thing for your
+old women to be so; I'll pawn my life, blisters, with the steel diet,
+will recover her." Others suggested strong purging and letting of blood,
+because she was plethoric. Some went so far as to say the old woman
+was mad, and nothing would be better than a little corporal correction.
+Ratcliff said, "Gentlemen, you are mistaken in this case; it is plainly
+an acute distemper, and she cannot hold out three days unless she is
+supported with strong cordials." I came into the room with a good deal
+of concern, and asked them what they thought of my mother? "In no manner
+of danger, I vow to God," quoth Garth; "the old woman is hysterical,
+fanciful, sir, I vow to God." "I tell you, sir," says Ratcliff, "she
+cannot live three days to an end, unless there is some very effectual
+course taken with her; she has a malignant fever." Then "fool," "puppy,"
+and "blockhead," were the best words they gave. I could hardly restrain
+them from throwing the ink-bottles at one another's heads. I forgot to
+tell you that one party of the physicians desired I would take my sister
+Peg into the house to nurse her, but the old gentlewoman would not hear
+of that. At last one physician asked if the lady had ever been used to
+take laudanum? Her maid answered, not that she knew; but, indeed, there
+was a High German liveryman of hers, one Van Ptschirnsooker,** that gave
+her a sort of a quack powder. The physician desired to see it. "Nay,"
+says he, "there is opium in this, I am sure."
+
+     * Garth, the Low Church party.  Ratcliff, High Church party.
+
+     ** Van Ptschirnsooker, a bishop at that time, a great dealer
+     in politics and physic.
+
+MRS. BULL.--I hope you examined a little into this matter?
+
+JOHN BULL.--I did, indeed, and discovered a great mystery of iniquity.
+The witnesses made oath that they had heard some of the liverymen*
+frequently railing at their mistress. They said she was a troublesome
+fiddle-faddle old woman, and so ceremonious that there was no bearing of
+her. They were so plagued with bowing and cringing as they went in and
+out of the room that their backs ached. She used to scold at one for his
+dirty shoes, at another for his greasy hair and not combing his head.
+Then she was so passionate and fiery in her temper that there was no
+living with her. She wanted something to sweeten her blood. That they
+never had a quiet night's rest for getting up in the morning to early
+Sacraments. They wished they could find some way or another to keep the
+old woman quiet in her bed. Such discourses were often overheard among
+the liverymen, while the said Van Ptschirnsooker had undertook
+this matter. A maid made affidavit "That she had seen the said Van
+Ptschirnsooker, one of the liverymen, frequently making up of medicines
+and administering them to all the neighbours; that she saw him one
+morning make up the powder which her mistress took; that she had the
+curiosity to ask him whence he had the ingredients. 'They come,' says
+he, 'from several parts of de world. Dis I have from Geneva, dat from
+Rome, this white powder from Amsterdam, and the red from Edinburgh, but
+the chief ingredient of all comes from Turkey." It was likewise proved
+that the said Van Ptschirnsooker had been frequently seen at the "Rose"
+with Jack, who was known to bear an inveterate spite to his mistress.
+That he brought a certain powder to his mistress which the examinant
+believes to be the same, and spoke the following words:--"Madam, here
+is grand secret van de world, my sweetening powder; it does temperate
+de humour, dispel the windt, and cure de vapour; it lulleth and quieteth
+the animal spirits, procuring rest and pleasant dreams. It is de
+infallible receipt for de scurvy, all heats in de bloodt, and breaking
+out upon de skin. It is de true bloodstancher, stopping all fluxes of de
+blood. If you do take dis, you will never ail anyding; it will cure
+you of all diseases." And abundance more to this purpose, which the
+examinant does not remember.
+
+     * The clergy.
+
+John Bull was interrupted in his story by a porter, that brought him a
+letter from Nicholas Frog, which is as follows.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IX.
+
+A Copy* of Nic. Frog's Letter to John Bull.
+
+[John Bull reads.]
+
+FRIEND JOHN,--What schellum is it that makes thee jealous of thy old
+friend Nicholas? Hast thou forgot how some years ago he took thee out
+of the sponging-house?** ['Tis true, my friend Nic. did so, and I thank
+him; but he made me pay a swinging reckoning.] Thou beginnest now to
+repent thy bargain that thou wast so fond of; and, if thou durst, would
+forswear thy own hand and seal. Thou sayest that thou hast purchased me
+too great an estate already, when, at the same time, thou knowest I have
+only a mortgage. 'Tis true I have possession, and the tenants own me for
+master; but has not Esquire South the equity of redemption? [No doubt,
+and will redeem it very speedily; poor Nic. has only possession--eleven
+points of the law.] As for the turnpikes*** I have set up, they are
+for other people, not for my friend John. I have ordered my servant
+constantly to attend, to let thy carriages through without paying
+anything; only I hope thou wilt not come too heavy laden to spoil my
+ways. Certainly I have just cause of offence against thee, my friend,
+for supposing it possible that thou and I should ever quarrel. What
+houndsfoot is it that puts these whims in thy head? Ten thousand last of
+devils haul me, if I don't love thee as I love my life. [No question, as
+the Devil loves holy-water!] Does not thy own hand and seal oblige thee
+to purchase for me till I say it is enough? Are not these words plain?
+I say it is not enough. Dost thou think thy friend Nicholas Frog made a
+child's bargain? Mark the words of thy contract, tota pecunia (with
+all thy money). [Very well! I have purchased with my own money, my
+children's and my grandchildren's money--is not that enough? Well, tota
+pecunia let it be, for at present I have none at all; he would not have
+me purchase with other people's money, sure? Since tota pecunia is the
+bargain, I think it is plain--no more money, no more purchase.]
+And whatever the world may say, Nicholas Frog is but a poor man in
+comparison of the rich, the opulent John Bull, great clothier of the
+world. I have had many losses, six of my best sheep were drowned, and
+the water has come into my cellar, and spoiled a pipe of my best brandy.
+It would be a more friendly act in thee to carry a brief about the
+country to repair the losses of thy poor friend. Is it not evident to
+all the world that I am still hemmed in by Lewis Baboon? Is he not just
+upon my borders? [And so he will be if I purchase a thousand acres more,
+unless he gets somebody betwixt them.] I tell thee, friend John, thou
+hast flatterers that persuade thee that thou art a man of business; do
+not believe them. If thou wouldst still leave thy affairs in my hands,
+thou shouldst see how handsomely I would deal by thee. That ever thou
+shouldst be dazzled with the enchanted islands and mountains of gold
+that old Lewis promises thee! 'Dswounds! why dost thou not lay out thy
+money to purchase a place at court of honest Israel? I tell thee, thou
+must not so much as think of a composition. [Not think of a composition;
+that's hard indeed; I can't help thinking of it, if I would.] Thou
+complainest of want of money--let thy wife and daughters burn the gold
+lace of their petticoats; sell thy fat cattle; retrench but a sirloin
+of beef and a peck-loaf in a week from thy gormandising. [Retrench my
+beef--a dog! Retrench my beef; then it is plain the rascal has an ill
+design upon me--he would starve me.] Mortgage thy manor of Bullock's
+Hatch, or pawn thy crop for ten years. [A rogue! part with my
+country-seat, my patrimony, all that I have left in the world; I'll
+see him hanged first.] Why hast thou changed thy attorney? Can any man
+manage thy cause better for thee? [Very pleasant! because a man has a
+good attorney, he must never make an end of his law-suit.] Ah, John!
+John! I wish thou knewest thine own mind. Thou art as fickle as the
+wind. I tell thee, thou hadst better let this composition alone, or
+leave it to thy
+
+Loving friend,
+
+Nic. FROG.
+
+     * A letter from the States-General.
+
+     ** Alluding to the Rebellion.
+
+     *** The Dutch prohibition of trade.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER X. Of some extraordinary Things* that passed at the "Salutation"
+Tavern, in the Conference between Bull, Frog, Esquire South, and Lewis
+Baboon.
+
+     * The Treaty of Utrecht:  the difficulty to get them to
+     meet.  When met, the Dutch would not speak their sentiments,
+     nor the French deliver in their proposals.  The House of
+     Austria talked very high.
+
+Frog had given his word that he would meet the above-mentioned company
+at the "Salutation," to talk of this agreement. Though he durst not
+directly break his appointment, he made many a shuffling excuse: one
+time he pretended to be seized with the gout in his right knee; then he
+got a great cold, that had struck him deaf of one ear; afterwards two
+of his coach-horses fell sick, and he durst not go by water, for fear
+of catching an ague. John would take no excuse, but hurried him away.
+"Come, Nic.," says he, "let's go and hear at least what this old fellow
+has to propose; I hope there's no hurt in that." "Be it so," quoth Nic.;
+"but if I catch any harm, woe be to you; my wife and children will curse
+you as long as they live." When they were come to the "Salutation," John
+concluded all was sure then, and that he should be troubled no more with
+law affairs. He thought everybody as plain and sincere as he was. "Well,
+neighbours," quoth he, "let's now make an end of all matters, and
+live peaceably together for the time to come. If everybody is as well
+inclined as I, we shall quickly come to the upshot of our affair." And
+so, pointing to Frog to say something, to the great surprise of all the
+company, Frog was seized with a dead palsy in the tongue. John began
+to ask him some plain questions, and whooped and hallooed in his ear:
+"Let's come to the point. Nic., who wouldst thou have to be Lord Strutt?
+Wouldst thou have Philip Baboon?" Nic. shook his head, and said nothing.
+"Wilt thou, then, have Esquire South to be Lord Strutt?" Nic. shook his
+head a second time. "Then who the devil wilt thou have? Say something
+or another." Nic. opened his mouth and pointed to his tongue, and cried,
+"A, a, a, a!" which was as much as to say he could not speak.
+
+JOHN BULL.--"Shall I serve Philip Baboon with broadcloth, and accept
+of the composition that he offers, with the liberty of his parks and
+fishponds?" Then Nic. roared like a bull, "O, o, o, o!"
+
+JOHN BULL.--"If thou wilt not let me have them, wilt thou take them
+thyself?" Then Nic. grinned, cackled, and laughed, till he was like to
+kill himself, and seemed to be so pleased that he fell a frisking and
+dancing about the room.
+
+JOHN BULL.--"Shall I leave all this matter to thy management, Nic.,
+and go about my business?" Then Nic. got up a glass and drank to John,
+shaking him by the hand till he had like to have shook his shoulder out
+of joint.
+
+JOHN BULL.--"I understand thee, Nic.; but I shall make thee speak before
+I go." Then Nic. put his finger in his cheek and made it cry "buck!"
+which was as much as to say, "I care not a farthing for thee."
+
+JOHN BULL.--"I have done, Nic.; if thou wilt not speak, I'll make my own
+terms with old Lewis here."
+
+John, perceiving that Frog would not speak, turns to old Lewis: "Since
+we cannot make this obstinate fellow speak, Lewis, pray condescend a
+little to his humour, and set down thy meaning upon paper, that he may
+answer it in another scrap."
+
+"I am infinitely sorry," quoth Lewis, "that it happens so unfortunately;
+for, playing a little at cudgels t'other day, a fellow has given me such
+a rap over the right arm that I am quite lame. I have lost the use of my
+forefinger and my thumb, so that I cannot hold my pen."
+
+JOHN BULL.--"That's all one; let me write for you."
+
+LEWIS.--"But I have a misfortune that I cannot read anybody's hand but
+my own."
+
+JOHN BULL.--"Try what you can do with your left hand."
+
+LEWIS.--"That's impossible; it will make such a scrawl that it will not
+be legible."
+
+As they were talking of this matter, in came Esquire South, all dressed
+up in feathers and ribbons, stark staring mad, brandishing his sword, as
+if he would have cut off their heads, crying "Room, room, boys, for the
+grand esquire of the world! the flower of esquires! What! covered in my
+presence? I'll crush your souls, and crack you like lice!" With that he
+had like to have struck John Bull's hat into the fire; but John, who was
+pretty strong-fisted, gave him such a squeeze as made his eyes water.
+He went on still in his mad pranks: "When I am lord of the universe, the
+sun shall prostrate and adore me! Thou, Frog, shalt be my bailiff; Lewis
+my tailor; and thou, John Bull, shalt be my fool!"
+
+All this while Frog laughed in his sleeve, gave the esquire the other
+noggan of brandy, and clapped him on the back, which made him ten times
+madder.
+
+Poor John stood in amaze, talking thus to himself: "Well, John, thou art
+got into rare company! One has a dumb devil, the other a mad devil, and
+the third a spirit of infirmity. An honest man has a fine time on it
+amongst such rogues. What art thou asking of them after all? Some mighty
+boon one would think! only to sit quietly at thy own fireside. What have
+I to do with such fellows? John Bull, after all his losses and crosses,
+can live better without them than they can without him. Would I lived a
+thousand leagues off them! but the devil's in it; John Bull is in, and
+John Bull must get out as well as he can."
+
+As he was talking to himself, he observed Frog and old Lewis edging
+towards one another to whisper,* so that John was forced to sit with his
+arms akimbo, to keep them asunder.
+
+     * Some attempts of secret negotiation between the French and
+     the Dutch.
+
+Some people advised John to bleed Frog under the tongue, or take away
+his bread-and-butter, which would certainly make him speak; to
+give Esquire South hellebore; as for Lewis, some were for emollient
+poultices, others for opening his arm with an incision knife.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XI.* The apprehending, examination, and imprisonment of Jack for
+suspicion of poisoning.
+
+     * The four following chapters contain the history of passing
+     the Bill against Occasional Conformity, and of the Whigs
+     agreeing to it.
+
+The attentive reader cannot have forgot that the story of Van
+Ptschirnsooker's powder was interrupted by a message from Frog. I have a
+natural compassion for curiosity, being much troubled with the distemper
+myself; therefore to gratify that uneasy itching sensation in my reader,
+I have procured the following account of that matter.
+
+Van Ptschirnsooker came off (as rogues usually do upon such occasions)
+by peaching his partner; and being extremely forward to bring him to
+the gallows, Jack* was accused as the contriver of all the roguery. And,
+indeed, it happened unfortunately for the poor fellow, that he was
+known to bear a most inveterate spite against the old gentlewoman; and,
+consequently, that never any ill accident happened to her but he was
+suspected to be at the bottom of it. If she pricked her finger, Jack, to
+be sure, laid the pin in the way; if some noise in the street disturbed
+her rest, who could it be but Jack in some of his nocturnal rambles?
+If a servant ran away, Jack had debauched him. Every idle tittle-tattle
+that went about, Jack was always suspected for the author of it.
+However, all was nothing to this last affair of the temperating,
+moderating powder.
+
+     * All the misfortunes of the Church charged upon the Puritan
+     party.
+
+The hue and cry went after Jack to apprehend him dead or alive, wherever
+he could be found. The constables looked out for him in all his usual
+haunts; but to no purpose. Where d'ye think they found him at last? Even
+smoking his pipe, very quietly, at his brother Martin's; from whence
+he was carried with a vast mob at his heels, before the worshipful Mr.
+Justice Overdo. Several of his neighbours made oath,* that of late, the
+prisoner had been observed to lead a very dissolute life, renouncing
+even his usual hypocrisy and pretences to sobriety; that he frequented
+taverns and eating-houses, and had been often guilty of drunkenness and
+gluttony at my Lord Mayor's table; that he had been seen in the company
+of lewd women; that he had transferred his usual care of the engrossed
+copy of his father's will to bank bills, orders for tallies, and
+debentures:** these he now affirmed, with more literal truth, to be
+meat, drink, and cloth, the philosopher's stone, and the universal
+medicine;*** that he was so far from showing his customary reverence
+to the will, that he kept company with those that called his father a
+cheating rogue, and his will a forgery; that he not only sat quietly and
+heard his father railed at, but often chimed in with the discourse, and
+hugged the authors as his bosom friends;**** that instead of asking for
+blows at the corners of the streets, he now bestowed them as plentifully
+as he begged them before.*** In short, that he was grown a mere rake;
+and had nothing left in him of old Jack except his spite to John Bull's
+mother.
+
+     * The manners of the Dissenters changed from their former
+     strictness.
+
+     ** Dealing much in stock-jobbing.
+
+     *** "Tale of a Tub."
+
+     **** Herding with deists and atheists.
+
+Another witness made oath, that Jack had been overheard bragging of a
+trick* he had found out to manage the "old formal jade," as he used to
+call her. "Hang this numb-skull of mine," quoth he, "that I could not
+light on it sooner. As long as I go in this ragged tattered coat, I am
+so well known, that I am hunted away from the old woman's door by every
+barking cur about the house; they bid me defiance. There's no doing
+mischief as an open enemy; I must find some way or other of getting
+within doors, and then I shall have better opportunities of playing my
+pranks, besides the benefit of good keeping."
+
+     * Getting into places and Church preferments by occasional
+     conformity.
+
+Two witnesses swore* that several years ago, there came to their
+mistress's door a young fellow in a tattered coat, that went by the name
+of Timothy Trim, whom they did in their conscience believe to be the
+very prisoner, resembling him in shape, stature, and the features of
+his countenance. That the said Timothy Trim being taken into the family,
+clapped their mistress's livery over his own tattered coat; that the
+said Timothy was extremely officious about their mistress's person,
+endeavouring by flattery and tale-bearing to set her against the rest of
+the servants: nobody was so ready to fetch anything that was wanted,
+to reach what was dropped. That he used to shove and elbow his
+fellow-servants to get near his mistress, especially when money was
+a paying or receiving--then he was never out of the way; that he was
+extremely diligent about everybody's business but his own. That the said
+Timothy, while he was in the family, used to be playing roguish tricks;
+when his mistress's back was turned, he would loll out his tongue, make
+mouths, and laugh at her, walking behind her like Harlequin, ridiculing
+her motions and gestures; but if his mistress looked about, he put on a
+grave, demure countenance, as if he had been in a fit of devotion; that
+he used often to trip up-stairs so smoothly that you could not hear him
+tread, and put all things out of order; that he would pinch the children
+and servants, when he met them in the dark, so hard, that he left the
+print of his forefingers and his thumb in black and blue, and then
+slink into a corner, as if nobody had done it. Out of the same malicious
+design he used to lay chairs and joint-stools in their way, that
+they might break their noses by falling over them. The more young and
+inexperienced he used to teach to talk saucily, and call names. During
+his stay in the family there was much plate missing; being caught with a
+couple of silver spoons in his pocket, with their handles wrenched off,
+he said he was only going to carry them to the goldsmiths to be mended:
+that the said Timothy was hated by all the honest servants, for his
+ill-conditioned, splenetic tricks, but especially for his slanderous
+tongue; traducing them to their mistress as drunkards and thieves: that
+the said Timothy, by lying stories, used to set all the family
+together by the ears, taking delight to make them fight and quarrel;
+**particularly one day sitting at table, he spoke words to this effect:
+"I am of opinion," quoth he, "that little short fellows, such as we are,
+have better hearts, and could beat the tall fellows; I wish it came to a
+fair trial; I believe these long fellows, as sightly as they are, should
+find their jackets well thwacked."
+
+     * Betraying the interests of the Church when got into
+     preferments.
+
+     ** The original of the distinction in the names of Low
+     Churchmen and High Churchmen.
+
+A parcel of tall fellows, who thought themselves affronted by the
+discourse, took up the quarrel, and to it they went, the tall men and
+the low men, which continues still a faction in the family, to the great
+disorder of our mistress's affairs. The said Timothy carried this frolic
+so far, that he proposed to his mistress that she should entertain no
+servant that was above four feet seven inches high, and for that purpose
+had prepared a gauge, by which they were to be measured. The good old
+gentlewoman was not so simple as to go into his projects--she began
+to smell a rat. "This Trim," quoth she, "is an odd sort of a fellow;
+methinks he makes a strange figure with that ragged, tattered coat
+appearing under his livery; can't he go spruce and clean, like the rest
+of the servants? The fellow has a roguish leer with him which I don't
+like by any means; besides, he has such a twang in his discourse, and
+an ungraceful way of speaking through the nose, that one can hardly
+understand him; I wish the fellow be not tainted with some bad disease."
+The witnesses further made oath, that the said Timothy lay out a-nights,
+and went abroad often at unseasonable hours; and it was credibly
+reported he did business in another family: that he pretended to have
+a squeamish stomach, and could not eat at table with the rest of the
+servants, though this was but a pretence to provide some nice bit
+for himself; that he refused to dine upon salt fish, only to have an
+opportunity to eat a calf's head (his favourite dish) in private; that
+for all his tender stomach, when he was got by himself, he could devour
+capons, turkeys, and sirloins of beef, like a cormorant.
+
+Two other witnesses gave the following evidence: That in his officious
+attendance upon his mistress, he had tried to slip a powder into her
+drink, and that he was once caught endeavouring to stifle her with a
+pillow as she was asleep; that he and Ptschirnsooker were often in close
+conference, and that they used to drink together at the "Rose," where it
+seems he was well enough known by his true name of Jack.
+
+The prisoner had little to say in his defence; he endeavoured to prove
+himself alibi, so that the trial turned upon this single question,
+whether the said Timothy Trim and Jack were the same person; which was
+proved by such plain tokens, and particularly by a mole under the
+left pap, that there was no withstanding the evidence; therefore the
+worshipful Mr. Justice committed him, in order to his trial.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XII. How Jack's friends came to visit him in prison, and what
+advice they gave him.
+
+Jack hitherto had passed in the world for a poor, simple, well-meaning,
+half-witted, crack-brained fellow. People were strangely surprised to
+find him in such a roguery--that he should disguise himself under a
+false name, hire himself out for a servant to an old gentlewoman, only
+for an opportunity to poison her. They said that it was more generous to
+profess open enmity than under a profound dissimulation to be guilty
+of such a scandalous breach of trust, and of the sacred rights of
+hospitality; in short, the action was universally condemned by his best
+friends. They told him in plain terms that this was come as a judgment
+upon him for his loose life, his gluttony, drunkenness, and avarice;
+for laying aside his father's will in an old mouldy trunk, and turning
+stock-jobber, newsmonger, and busybody, meddling with other people's
+affairs, shaking off his old serious friends, and keeping company with
+buffoons and pickpockets, his father's sworn enemies; that he had
+best throw himself upon the mercy of the court, repent, and change
+his manners. To say truth, Jack heard these discourses with some
+compunction; however, he resolved to try what his new acquaintance
+would do for him. They sent Habakkuk Slyboots,* who delivered him
+the following message, as the peremptory commands of his trusty
+companions:--
+
+     * Habakkuk Slyboots, a certain great man who persuaded the
+     Dissenters to consent to the Bill against Occasional
+     Conformity as being for their interest.
+
+HABAKKUK.--Dear Jack, I am sorry for thy misfortune: matters have not
+been carried on with due secrecy; however, we must make the best of
+a bad bargain. Thou art in the utmost jeopardy, that's certain; hang,
+draw, and quarter, are the gentlest things they talk of. However, thy
+faithful friends, ever watchful for thy security, bid me tell thee that
+they have one infallible expedient left to save thy life. Thou must know
+we have got into some understanding with the enemy by the means of Don
+Diego;* he assures us there is no mercy for thee, and that there is only
+one way left to escape. It is, indeed, somewhat out of the common road;
+however, be assured it is the result of most mature deliberation.
+
+     * A noble Tory lord.
+
+JACK.--Prithee tell me quickly, for my heart is sunk down in the very
+bottom of my belly.
+
+HAB.--It is the unanimous opinion of your friends that you make as if
+you hanged yourself;* they will give it out that you are quite dead, and
+convey your body out of prison in a bier; and John Bull, being busied
+with his lawsuit, will not inquire further into the matter.
+
+     * Consent to the Bill against Occasional Conformity.
+
+JACK.--How d'ye mean, make as if I hanged myself?
+
+HAB.--Nay, you must really hang yourself up in a true genuine rope, that
+there may appear no trick in it, and leave the rest to your friends.
+
+JACK.--Truly this is a matter of some concern, and my friends, I hope,
+won't take it ill if I inquire a little into the means by which they
+intend to deliver me. A rope and a noose are no jesting matters!
+
+HAB.--Why so mistrustful? hast thou ever found us false to thee? I tell
+thee there is one ready to cut thee down.
+
+JACK.--May I presume to ask who it is that is entrusted with so
+important an office?
+
+HAB.--Is there no end of thy hows and thy whys? That's a secret.
+
+JACK.--A secret, perhaps, that I may be safely trusted with, for I am
+not like to tell it again. I tell you plainly it is no strange thing for
+a man before he hangs himself up to inquire who is to cut him down.
+
+HAB.--Thou suspicious creature! if thou must needs know it, I tell thee
+it is Sir Roger;* he has been in tears ever since thy misfortune. Don
+Diego and we have laid it so that he is to be in the next room, and
+before the rope is well about thy neck, rest satisfied he will break in
+and cut thee down. Fear not, old boy; we'll do it, I'll warrant thee.
+
+     * It was given out that the Earl of Oxford would oppose the
+     occasional Bill, and so lose his credit with the Tories; and
+     the Dissenters did believe he would not suffer it to pass.
+
+JACK.--So I must hang myself up upon hopes that Sir Roger will cut
+me down, and all this upon the credit of Don Diego. A fine stratagem,
+indeed, to save my life, that depends upon hanging, Don Diego, and Sir
+Roger!
+
+HAB.--I tell thee there is a mystery in all this, my friend, a piece
+of profound policy; if thou knew what good this will do to the common
+cause, thy heart would leap for joy. I am sure thou wouldst not delay
+the experiment one moment.
+
+JACK.--This is to the tune of "All for the better." What's your cause to
+me when I am hanged?
+
+HAB.--Refractory mortal! if thou wilt not trust thy friends, take what
+follows. Know assuredly, before next full moon, that thou wilt be hung
+up in chains, or thy quarters perching upon the most conspicuous
+places of the kingdom. Nay, I don't believe they will be contented
+with hanging; they talk of impaling, or breaking on the wheel, and thou
+choosest that before a gentle suspending of thyself for one minute.
+Hanging is not so painful a thing as thou imaginest. I have spoken
+with several that have undergone it; they all agree it is no manner of
+uneasiness. Be sure thou take good notice of the symptoms; the relation
+will be curious. It is but a kick or two with thy heels, and a wry mouth
+or so: Sir Roger will be with thee in the twinkling of an eye.
+
+JACK.--But what if Sir Roger should not come; will my friends be there
+to succour me?
+
+HAB.--Doubt it not; I will provide everything against to-morrow morning:
+do thou keep thy own secret--say nothing. I tell thee it is absolutely
+necessary for the common good that thou shouldst go through this
+operation.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIII. How Jack hanged himself up by the persuasion of his
+friends, who broke their words, and left his neck in the noose.
+
+Jack was a professed enemy to implicit faith, and yet I dare say it
+was never more strongly exerted nor more basely abused than upon this
+occasion. He was now, with his old friends, in the state of a poor
+disbanded officer after a peace, or rather a wounded soldier after a
+battle; like an old favourite of a cunning Minister after the job is
+over, or a decayed beauty to a cloyed lover in quest of new game, or
+like a hundred such things that one sees every day. There were new
+intrigues, new views, new projects, on foot. Jack's life was the
+purchase of Diego's friendship; much good may it do them. The interest
+of Hocus and Sir William Crawley which was now more at heart, made this
+operation upon poor Jack absolutely necessary. You may easily guess
+that his rest that night was but small, and much disturbed; however,
+the remaining part of his time he did not employ (as his custom was
+formerly) in prayer, meditation, or singing a double verse of a Psalm,
+but amused himself with disposing of his bank stock. Many a doubt, many
+a qualm, overspread his clouded imagination: "Must I then," quoth he,
+"hang up my own personal, natural, individual self with these two hands!
+Durus Sermo! What if I should be cut down, as my friends tell me? There
+is something infamous in the very attempt; the world will conclude I had
+a guilty conscience. Is it possible that good man, Sir Roger, can have
+so much pity upon an unfortunate scoundrel that has persecuted him so
+many years? No, it cannot be; I don't love favours that pass through Don
+Diego's hands. On the other side, my blood chills about my heart at
+the thought of these rogues with their bloody hands pulling out my very
+entrails. Hang it, for once I'll trust my friends." So Jack resolved;
+but he had done more wisely to have put himself upon the trial of his
+country, and made his defence in form; many things happen between the
+cup and the lip--witnesses might have been bribed, juries managed, or
+prosecution stopped. But so it was, Jack for this time had a sufficient
+stock of implicit faith, which led him to his ruin, as the sequel of the
+story shows.
+
+And now the fatal day was come in which he was to try this hanging
+experiment. His friends did not fail him at the appointed hour to see it
+put in practice. Habakkuk brought him a smooth, strong, tough rope,
+made of many a ply of wholesome Scandinavian hemp, compactly twisted
+together, with a noose that slipped as glib as a birdcatcher's gin. Jack
+shrank and grew pale at first sight of it; he handled it, he measured
+it, stretched it, fixed it against the iron bar of the window to try its
+strength, but no familiarity could reconcile him to it. He found fault
+with the length, the thickness, and the twist; nay, the very colour
+did not please him. "Will nothing less than hanging serve?" quoth Jack.
+"Won't my enemies take bail for my good behaviour? Will they accept of
+a fine, or be satisfied with the pillory and imprisonment, a good round
+whipping, or burning in the cheek?"
+
+HAB.--Nothing but your blood will appease their rage; make haste, else
+we shall be discovered. There's nothing like surprising the rogues. How
+they will be disappointed when they hear that thou hast prevented their
+revenge and hanged thine own self.
+
+JACK.--That's true; but what if I should do it in effigies? Is there
+never an old pope or pretender to hang up in my stead? We are not so
+unlike but it may pass.
+
+HAB.--That can never be put upon Sir Roger.
+
+JACK.--Are you sure he is in the next room? Have you provided a very
+sharp knife, in case of the worst?
+
+HAB.--Dost take me for a common liar? Be satisfied, no damage can happen
+to your person; your friends will take care of that.
+
+JACK.--Mayn't I quilt my rope? It galls my neck strangely: besides, I
+don't like this running knot. It holds too tight; I may be stifled all
+of a sudden.
+
+HAB.--Thou hast so many ifs and ands! prithee despatch; it might have
+been over before this time.
+
+JACK.--But now I think on't, I would fain settle some affairs, for fear
+of the worst: have a little patience.
+
+HAB.--There's no having patience, thou art such a faintling, silly
+creature.
+
+JACK.--O thou most detestable, abominable Passive Obedience! did I ever
+imagine I should become thy votary, in so pregnant an instance? How will
+my brother Martin laugh at this story, to see himself outdone in his own
+calling! He has taken the doctrine, and left me the practice.
+
+No sooner had he uttered these words, but, like a man of true courage,
+he tied the fatal cord to the beam, fitted the noose, and mounted upon
+the bottom of a tub, the inside of which he had often graced in his
+prosperous days. This footstool Habakkuk kicked away, and left poor Jack
+swinging like the pendulum of Paul's clock. The fatal noose performed
+its office, and with most strict ligature squeezed the blood into his
+face till it assumed a purple dye. While the poor man heaved from
+the very bottom of his belly for breath, Habakkuk walked with great
+deliberation into both the upper and lower room, to acquaint his
+friends, who received the news with great temper, and with jeers and
+scoffs instead of pity. "Jack has hanged himself!" quoth they; "let us
+go and see how the poor rogue swings." Then they called Sir Roger. "Sir
+Roger," quoth Habakkuk, "Jack has hanged himself; make haste and cut
+him down." Sir Roger turned first one ear and then the other, not
+understanding what he said.
+
+HAB.--I tell you Jack has hanged himself up.
+
+SIR ROGER.--Who's hanged?
+
+HAB.--Jack.
+
+SIR ROGER.--I thought this had not been hanging day.
+
+HAB.--But the poor fellow has hanged himself.
+
+SIR ROGER.--Then let him hang. I don't wonder at it; the fellow has been
+mad these twenty years.
+
+With this he slunk away.
+
+Then Jack's friends began to hunch and push one another: "Why don't you
+go and cut the poor fellow down?" "Why don't you?" "And why don't you?"
+"Not I," quoth one. "Not I," quoth another. "Not I," quoth a third;
+"he may hang till doomsday before I relieve him!" Nay, it is credibly
+reported that they were so far from succouring their poor friend in
+this his dismal circumstance, that Ptschirnsooker and several of his
+companions went in and pulled him by the legs, and thumped him on the
+breast. Then they began to rail at him for the very thing which they
+had advised and justified before, viz., his getting into the old
+gentlewoman's family, and putting on her livery. The keeper who
+performed the last office coming up, found Jack swinging, with no life
+in him. He took down the body gently and laid it on a bulk, and brought
+out the rope to the company. "This, gentlemen, is the rope that hanged
+Jack; what must be done with it?" Upon which they ordered it to be laid
+among the curiosities of Gresham College; and it is called Jack's rope
+to this very day. However, Jack, after all, had some small tokens of
+life in him, but lies, at this time, past hopes of a total recovery,
+with his head hanging on one shoulder, without speech or motion. The
+coroner's inquest, supposing him to be dead, brought him in non compos.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIV. The Conference between Don Diego and John Bull.
+
+During the time of the foregoing transactions, Don Diego was
+entertaining John Bull.
+
+DON DIEGO.--I hope, sir, this day's proceeding will convince you of the
+sincerity of your old friend Diego, and the treachery of Sir Roger.
+
+JOHN BULL.--What's the matter now?
+
+DON DIEGO.--You have been endeavouring, for several years, to have
+justice done upon that rogue Jack, but, what through the remissness of
+constables, justices, and packed juries, he has always found the means
+to escape.
+
+JOHN BULL.--What then?
+
+DON DIEGO.--Consider, then, who is your best friend: he that would
+have brought him to condign punishment, or he that has saved him? By my
+persuasion Jack had hanged himself, if Sir Roger had not cut him down.
+
+JOHN BULL.--Who told you that Sir Roger has done so?
+
+DON DIEGO.--You seem to receive me coldly: methinks my services deserve
+a better return.
+
+JOHN BULL.--Since you value yourself upon hanging this poor scoundrel, I
+tell you, when I have any more hanging work, I'll send for thee: I have
+some better employment for Sir Roger. In the meantime, I desire the poor
+fellow may be looked after. When he first came out of the north country
+into my family, under the pretended name of Timothy Trim, the fellow
+seemed to mind his loom and his spinning-wheel, till somebody turned his
+head; then he grew so pragmatical, that he took upon him the government
+of my whole family: I could never order anything, within or without
+doors, but he must be always giving his counsel, forsooth: nevertheless,
+tell him I will forgive what is past; and if he would mind his business
+for the future, and not meddle out of his own sphere, he will find that
+John Bull is not of a cruel disposition.
+
+DON DIEGO.--Yet all your skilful physicians say that nothing can recover
+your mother but a piece of Jack's liver boiled in her soup.
+
+JOHN BULL.--Those are quacks. My mother abhors such cannibals' food. She
+is in perfect health at present. I would have given many a good pound
+to have had her so well some time ago.* There are indeed two or three
+troublesome old nurses that, because they believe I am tender-hearted,
+will never let me have a quiet night's rest with knocking me up: "Oh,
+sir, your mother is taken extremely ill; she is fallen into a fainting
+fit; she has a great emptiness, wants sustenance." This is only to
+recommend themselves for their great care. John Bull, as simple as he
+is, understands a little of a pulse.
+
+     * New clamours about the danger of the Church.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XV. The sequel of the meeting at the "Salutation."*
+
+     * At the Congress of Utrecht.
+
+Where I think I left John Bull, sitting between Nic. Frog and Lewis
+Baboon, with his arms akimbo, in great concern to keep Lewis and Nic.
+asunder. As watchful as he was, Nic. found the means now and then to
+steal a whisper, and by a cleanly conveyance under the table to slip
+a short note into Lewis's hand, which Lewis as slyly put into John's
+pocket, with a pinch or a jog to warn him what he was about. John had
+the curiosity to retire into a corner to peruse those billets doux* of
+Nic.'s, wherein he found that Nic. had used great freedoms both with his
+interest and reputation. One contained these words: "Dear Lewis, thou
+seest clearly that this blockhead can never bring his matters to bear.
+Let thee and me talk to-night by ourselves at the 'Rose,' and I'll give
+thee satisfaction." Another was thus expressed: "Friend Lewis, has thy
+sense quite forsaken thee to make Bull such offers? Hold fast, part with
+nothing, and I will give thee a better bargain, I'll warrant thee!"
+
+     * Some offers of the Dutch at that time, in order to get the
+     negotiation into their hands.
+
+In some of his billets he told Lewis "That John Bull was under his
+guardianship; that the best part of his servants were at his command;
+that he could have John gagged and bound whenever he pleased by the
+people of his own family." In all these epistles, blockhead, dunce,
+ass, coxcomb, were the best epithets he gave poor John. In others he
+threatened,* "That he, Esquire South, and the rest of the tradesmen,
+would lay Lewis down upon his back and beat out his teeth if he did not
+retire immediately and break up the Meeting."
+
+     * Threatening that the allies would carry on the war without
+     the help of the English.
+
+I fancy I need not tell my reader that John often changed colour as he
+read, and that his fingers itched to give Nic. a good slap on the chops,
+but he wisely moderated his choleric temper. *"I saved this fellow,"
+quoth he, "from the gallows when he ran away from his last master,
+because I thought he was harshly treated; but the rogue was no sooner
+safe under my protection than he began to lie, pilfer, and steal like
+the devil. When I first set him up in a warm house he had hardly put up
+his sign when he began to debauch my best customers from me. *Then it
+was his constant practice to rob my fish-ponds, not only to feed his
+family, but to trade with the fishmongers. I connived at the fellow till
+he began to tell me that they were his as much as mine. In my manor of
+*Eastcheap, because it lay at some distance from my constant inspection,
+he broke down my fences, robbed my orchards, and beat my servants."
+
+     * Complaints against the Dutch for encroachment in trade,
+     fishery, East Indies, etc.  The war with the Dutch on these
+     accounts.
+
+"When I used to reprimand him for his tricks he would talk saucily, lie,
+and brazen it out as if he had done nothing amiss. 'Will nothing cure
+thee of thy pranks, Nic.?' quoth I; 'I shall be forced some time or
+other to chastise thee.' The rogue got up his cane and threatened me,
+and was well thwacked for his pains. But I think his behaviour at this
+time worst of all; after I have almost drowned myself to keep his head
+above water, he would leave me sticking in the mud, trusting to
+his goodness to help me out. After I have beggared myself with his
+troublesome lawsuit, with a plague to him! he takes it in mighty dudgeon
+because I have brought him here to end matters amicably, and because I
+won't let him make me over by deed and indenture as his lawful cully,
+which to my certain knowledge he has attempted several times. But, after
+all, canst thou gather grapes from thorns? Nic. does not pretend to be a
+gentleman; he is a tradesman, a self-seeking wretch. But how camest
+thou to hear all this, John? The reason is plain; thou conferrest the
+benefits and he receives them; the first produces love, and the last
+ingratitude. Ah Nic., Nic., thou art a damned dog, that's certain; thou
+knowest too well that I will take care of thee, else thou wouldst not
+use me thus. I won't give thee up, it is true; but as true as it is,
+thou shalt not sell me, according to thy laudable custom." While
+John was deep in this soliloquy Nic. broke out into the following
+protestation:--
+
+"Gentlemen,--I believe everybody here present will allow me to be a very
+just and disinterested person. My friend John Bull here is very angry
+with me, forsooth, because I won't agree to his foolish bargains. Now I
+declare to all mankind I should be ready to sacrifice my own concerns
+to his quiet, but the care of his interest, and that of the honest
+tradesmen* that are embarked with us, keeps me from entering into this
+composition. What shall become of those poor creatures? The thoughts of
+their impending ruin disturb my night's rest; therefore I desire they
+may speak for themselves. If they are willing to give up this affair, I
+sha'n't make two words of it."
+
+     * The Allies.
+
+John Bull begged him to lay aside that immoderate concern for him, and
+withal put him in mind that the interest of those tradesmen had not sat
+quite so heavy upon him some years ago on a like occasion. Nic. answered
+little to that, but immediately pulled out a boatswain's whistle. Upon
+the first whiff the tradesmen came jumping into the room, and began to
+surround Lewis like so many yelping curs about a great boar; or, to use
+a modester simile, like duns at a great lord's levee the morning he goes
+into the country. One pulled him by his sleeve, another by the skirt, a
+third hallooed in the ear. They began to ask him for all that had
+been taken from their forefathers by stealth, fraud, force, or lawful
+purchase. Some asked for manors, others for acres that lay convenient
+for them; that he would pull down his fences, level his ditches. All
+agreed in one common demand that he should be purged, sweated,
+vomited, and starved, till he came to a sizeable bulk like that of his
+neighbours. One modestly asked him leave to call him brother. Nic. Frog
+demanded two things--to be his porter and his fishmonger, to keep
+the keys of his gates and furnish the kitchen. John's sister Peg only
+desired that he would let his servants sing psalms a-Sundays. Some
+descended even to the asking of old clothes, shoes and boots, broken
+bottles, tobacco-pipes, and ends of candles.
+
+"Monsieur Bull," quoth Lewis, "you seem to be a man of some breeding;
+for God's sake use your interest with these Messieurs, that they would
+speak but one at once; for if one had a hundred pair of hands, and as
+many tongues, he cannot satisfy them all at this rate." John begged they
+might proceed with some method; then they stopped all of a sudden and
+would not say a word. "If this be your play," quoth John, "that we may
+not be like a Quaker's dumb meeting, let us begin some diversion; what
+d'ye think of rouly-pouly or a country dance? What if we should have a
+match at football? I am sure we shall never end matters at this rate."
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVI. How John Bull and Nic. Frog settled their Accounts.
+
+JOHN BULL.--During this general cessation of talk, what if you and I,
+Nic., should inquire how money matters stand between us?
+
+NIC. FROG.--With all my heart; I love exact dealing. And let Hocus
+audit; he knows how the money was disbursed.
+
+JOHN BULL.--I am not much for that at present; we'll settle it between
+ourselves. Fair and square, Nic., keeps friends together. There have
+been laid out in this lawsuit, at one time, 36,000 pounds and 40,000
+crowns. In some cases I, in others you, bear the greatest proportion.
+
+NIC FROG.--Right; I pay three-fifths of the greatest number, and you pay
+two-thirds of the lesser number. I think this is fair and square, as you
+call it.
+
+JOHN BULL.--Well, go on.
+
+NIC FROG.--Two-thirds of 36,000 pounds are 24,000 pounds for your share,
+and there remains 12,000 for mine. Again, of the 40,000 crowns I
+pay 24,000, which is three-fifths, and you pay only 16,000, which is
+two-fifths; 24,000 crowns make 6,000 pounds, and 16,000 crowns make
+4,000 pounds; 12,000 and 16,000 make 18,000, 24,000 and 4,000 make
+28,000. So there are 18,000 pounds to my share of the expenses, and
+28,000 to yours.
+
+After Nic. had bamboozled John awhile about the 18,000 and the 28,000,
+John called for counters; but what with sleight of hand, and taking from
+his own score and adding to John's, Nic. brought the balance always on
+his own side.
+
+JOHN BULL.--Nay, good friend Nic., though I am not quite so nimble in
+the fingers, I understand ciphering as well as you. I will produce you
+my accounts one by one, fairly writ out of my own books; and here I
+begin with the first. You must excuse me if I don't pronounce the law
+terms right.
+
+[John reads.]
+
+For the expenses ordinary of the suits, fees to judges, puisne judges,
+lawyers innumerable of all sorts:--
+
+   Of extraordinaries, as follows per account..
+   To Esquire South's account for post terminums..
+   To ditto for non est factums..
+   To ditto for noli prosequis, discontinuance, and retraxit..
+   For writs of error..
+   Suits of conditions unperformed..
+   To Hocus for dedimus protestatem..
+   To ditto for a capias ad computandum..
+   To Frog's new tenants per account to Hocus, for audita querelas..
+   On the said account for writs of ejectment and distringas..
+   To Esquire South's quota for a return of a non est invent
+      and nulla habet bona..
+   To ---- for a pardon in forma pauperis..
+   To Jack for a melius inquirendum upon a felo-de-se..
+   To coach-hire..
+   For treats to juries and witnesses..
+
+John having read over his articles, with the respective sums, brought in
+Frog debtor to him upon the balance, 3,382 pounds 12 shillings.
+
+Then Nic. Frog pulled his bill out of his pocket, and began to read.
+
+Nicholas Frog's Account.
+
+Remains to be deducted out of the former Account.
+
+   Paid by Nic. Frog for his share of the ordinary expenses of the suit
+  ..
+   To Hocus for entries of a rege inconsulto..
+   To John Bull's nephew for a venire facias, the money not yet all
+   laid out..
+   The coach-hire for my wife and family, and the carriage of my goods
+   during the
+      time of this lawsuit..
+   For the extraordinary expenses of feeding my family during this
+   lawsuit..
+   To Major Ab...
+   To Major Will...
+
+And summing all up, found due upon the balance by John Bull to Nic.
+Frog, 9 pounds 4 shillings and 6 pence.
+
+JOHN BULL.--As for your venire facias, I have paid you for one already;
+in the other I believe you will be nonsuited. I'll take care of my
+nephew myself. Your coach-hire and family charges are most unreasonable
+deductions; at that rate, I can bring in any man in the world my debtor.
+But who the devil are those two majors that consume all my money? I find
+they always run away with the balance in all accounts.
+
+NIC. FROG.--Two very honest gentlemen, I assure you, that have done
+me some service. To tell you plainly, Major Ab. denotes thy greater
+ability, and Major Will. thy greater willingness to carry on this
+lawsuit. It was but reasonable thou shouldst pay both for thy power and
+thy positiveness.
+
+JOHN BULL.--I believe I shall have those two honest majors' discount on
+my side in a little time.
+
+NIC. FROG.--Why all this higgling with thy friend about such a paltry
+sum? Does this become the generosity of the noble and rich John Bull? I
+wonder thou art not ashamed. Oh, Hocus! Hocus! where art thou? It used
+to go another-guess manner in thy time. When a poor man has almost
+undone himself for thy sake, thou art for fleecing him, and fleecing
+him. Is that thy conscience, John?
+
+JOHN BULL.--Very pleasant, indeed! It is well known thou retainest thy
+lawyers by the year, so a fresh lawsuit adds but little to thy expenses;
+they are thy customers;* I hardly ever sell them a farthing's-worth of
+anything. Nay, thou hast set up an eating-house, where the whole tribe
+of them spend all they can rap or run. If it were well reckoned, I
+believe thou gettest more of my money than thou spendest of thy own.
+However, if thou wilt needs plead poverty, own at least that thy
+accounts are false.
+
+     * The money spent in Holland and Flanders.
+
+NIC. FROG.--No, marry won't I; I refer myself to these honest
+gentlemen--let them judge between us. Let Esquire South speak his mind,
+whether my accounts are not right, and whether we ought not to go on
+with our lawsuit.
+
+JOHN BULL.--Consult the butchers about keeping of Lent. Dost think that
+John Bull will be tried by piepowders? I tell you, once for all, John
+Bull knows where his shoe pinches. None of your esquires shall give him
+the law as long as he wears this trusty weapon by his side, or has an
+inch of broadcloth in his shop.
+
+NIC. FROG.--Why, there it is: you will be both judge and party. I am
+sorry thou discoverest so much of thy headstrong humour before these
+strange gentlemen; I have often told thee it would prove thy ruin
+some time or other. Let it never be said that the famous John Bull has
+departed in despite of Court.
+
+JOHN BULL.--And will it not reflect as much on thy character, Nic., to
+turn barretter in thy old days--a stirrer-up of quarrels amongst thy
+neighbours? I tell thee, Nic., some time or other thou wilt repent this.
+
+But John saw clearly he should have nothing but wrangling, and that he
+should have as little success in settling his accounts as ending the
+composition. "Since they will needs overload my shoulders," quoth John,
+"I shall throw down the burden with a squash amongst them, take it up
+who dares. A man has a fine time of it amongst a combination of sharpers
+that vouch for one another's honesty. John, look to thyself; old Lewis
+makes reasonable offers. When thou hast spent the small pittance that
+is left, thou wilt make a glorious figure when thou art brought to live
+upon Nic. Frog and Esquire South's generosity and gratitude. If they use
+thee thus when they want thee, what will they do when thou wantest them?
+I say again, John, look to thyself."
+
+John wisely stifled his resentments, and told the company that in a
+little time he should give them law, or something better.
+
+ALL.--*Law! law! sir, by all means. What is twenty-two poor years
+towards the finishing a lawsuit? For the love of God, more law, sir!
+
+     * Clamours for continuing the war.
+
+JOHN BULL.--Prepare your demands how many years more of law you want,
+that I may order my affairs accordingly. In the meanwhile, farewell.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVII. How John Bull found all his Family in an Uproar at Home.*
+
+Nic. Frog, who thought of nothing but carrying John to the market, and
+there disposing of him as his own proper goods, was mad to find that
+John thought himself now of age to look after his own affairs. He
+resolved to traverse this new project, and to make him uneasy in his own
+family. He had corrupted or deluded most of his servants into the most
+extravagant conceits in the world: that their master was run mad, and
+wore a dagger in one pocket and poison in the other; that he had sold
+his wife and children to Lewis, disinherited his heir, and was going
+to settle his estate upon a parish-boy; that if they did not look after
+their master, he would do some very mischievous thing. When John came
+home, he found a more surprising scene than any he had yet met with, and
+that you will say was somewhat extraordinary.
+
+     * Clamours about the danger of the succession.
+
+He called his cook-maid Betty to bespeak his dinner. Betty told him
+"That she begged his pardon, she could not dress dinner till she knew
+what he intended to do with his will." "Why, Betty," quoth John, "thou
+art not run mad, art thou? My will at present is to have dinner." "That
+may be," quoth Betty, "but my conscience won't allow me to dress it till
+I know whether you intend to do righteous things by your heir." "I am
+sorry for that, Betty," quoth John; "I must find somebody else, then."
+Then he called John the barber. "Before I begin," quoth John, "I hope
+your honour won't be offended if I ask you whether you intend to alter
+your will? If you won't give me a positive answer your beard may grow
+down to your middle for me." "'Igad, so it shall," quoth Bull, "for I
+will never trust my throat in such a mad fellow's hands. Where's Dick
+the butler?" "Look ye," quoth Dick, "I am very willing to serve you in
+my calling, d'you see, but there are strange reports, and plain-dealing
+is best, d'ye see. I must be satisfied if you intend to leave all to
+your nephew and if Nic. Frog is still your executor, d'ye see. If you
+will not satisfy me as to these points you may drink with the ducks."
+"And so I will," quoth John, "rather than keep a butler that loves my
+heir better than myself." Hob the shoemaker, and Pricket the tailor,
+told him they would most willingly serve him in their several stations
+if he would promise them never to talk with Lewis Baboon, and let
+Nicholas Frog, linen-draper, manage his concerns; that they
+could neither make shoes nor clothes to any that were not in good
+correspondence with their worthy friend Nicholas.
+
+JOHN BULL.--Call Andrew, my journeyman. How goes affairs, Andrew? I hope
+the devil has not taken possession of thy body too.
+
+ANDREW.--No, sir; I only desire to know what you would do if you were
+dead?
+
+JOHN BULL.--Just as other dead folks do, Andrew. [Aside.] This is
+amazing!
+
+ANDREW.--I mean if your nephew shall inherit your estate.
+
+JOHN BULL.--That depends upon himself. I shall do nothing to hinder him.
+
+ANDREW.--But will you make it sure?
+
+JOHN BULL.--Thou meanest that I should put him in possession, for I can
+make it no surer without that. He has all the law can give him.
+
+ANDREW.--Indeed, possession, as you say, would make it much surer. They
+say it is eleven points of the law.
+
+John began now to think that they were all enchanted. He inquired
+about the age of the moon, if Nic. had not given them some intoxicating
+potion, or if old Mother Jenisa was still alive? "No, o' my faith,"
+quoth Harry, "I believe there is no potion in the case but a little
+aurum potabile. You will have more of this by-and-by." He had scarce
+spoken the word when another friend of John's accosted him after the
+following manner:--
+
+"Since those worthy persons, who are as much concerned for your safety
+as I am, have employed me as their orator, I desire to know whether you
+will have it by way of syllogism, enthymem, dilemma, or sorites?"
+
+John now began to be diverted with their extravagance.
+
+JOHN BULL.--Let's have a sorites by all means, though they are all new
+to me.
+
+FRIEND.--It is evident to all that are versed in history that there
+were two sisters that played false two thousand years ago. Therefore it
+plainly follows that it is not lawful for John Bull to have any manner
+of intercourse with Lewis Baboon. If it is not lawful for John Bull to
+have any manner of intercourse (correspondence, if you will, that is
+much the same thing) then, a fortiori, it is much more unlawful for the
+said John to make over his wife and children to the said Lewis. If his
+wife and children are not to be made over, he is not to wear a dagger
+and ratsbane in his pockets. If he wears a dagger and ratsbane, it
+must be to do mischief to himself or somebody else. If he intends to do
+mischief, he ought to be under guardians, and there is none so fit as
+myself and some other worthy persons who have a commission for that
+purpose from Nic. Frog, the executor of his will and testament.
+
+JOHN BULL.--And this is your sorites, you say?
+
+With that he snatched a good tough oaken cudgel, and began to brandish
+it. Then happy was the man that was first at the door. Crowding to get
+out, they tumbled down-stairs. And it is credibly reported some of
+them dropped very valuable things in the hurry, which were picked up by
+others of the family.
+
+"That any of these rogues," quoth John, "should imagine I am not as much
+concerned as they about having my affairs in a settled condition, or
+that I would wrong my heir for I know not what! Well, Nic., I really
+cannot but applaud thy diligence. I must own this is really a pretty
+sort of a trick, but it sha'n't do thy business, for all that."
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVIII. How Lewis Baboon came to visit John Bull, and what passed
+between them. *
+
+     * Private negotiations about Dunkirk.
+
+I think it is but ingenuous to acquaint the reader that this chapter was
+not wrote by Sir Humphrey himself, but by another very able pen of the
+university of Grub Street.
+
+John had, by some good instructions given him by Sir Roger, got the
+better of his choleric temper, and wrought himself up to a great
+steadiness of mind to pursue his own interest through all impediments
+that were thrown in the way. He began to leave off some of his old
+acquaintance, his roaring and bullying about the streets. He put on
+a serious air, knit his brows, and, for the time, had made a very
+considerable progress in politics, considering that he had been kept a
+stranger to his own affairs. However, he could not help discovering
+some remains of his nature when he happened to meet with a football or a
+match at cricket, for which Sir Roger was sure to take him to task.
+John was walking about his room with folded arms and a most thoughtful
+countenance. His servant brought him word that one Lewis Baboon below
+wanted to speak with him. John had got an impression that Lewis was so
+deadly cunning a man that he was afraid to venture himself alone with
+him. At last he took heart of grace. "Let him come up," quoth he; "it is
+but sticking to my point, and he can never over-reach me."
+
+LEWIS BABOON.--Monsieur Bull, I will frankly acknowledge that my
+behaviour to my neighbours has been somewhat uncivil, and I believe you
+will readily grant me that I have met with usage accordingly. I was fond
+of back-sword and cudgel-play from my youth, and I now bear in my
+body many a black and blue gash and scar, God knows. I had as good a
+warehouse and as fair possessions as any of my neighbours, though I say
+it. But a contentious temper, flattering servants, and unfortunate stars
+have brought me into circumstances that are not unknown to you. These
+my misfortunes are heightened by domestic calamities. That I need not
+relate. I am a poor old battered fellow, and I would willingly end my
+days in peace. But, alas! I see but small hopes of that, for every new
+circumstance affords an argument to my enemies to pursue their revenge.
+Formerly I was to be banged because I was too strong, and now because
+I am too weak to resist; I am to be brought down when too rich, and
+oppressed when too poor. Nic. Frog has used me like a scoundrel. You are
+a gentleman, and I freely put myself in your hands to dispose of me as
+you think fit.
+
+JOHN BULL.--Look you, Master Baboon, as to your usage of your
+neighbours, you had best not dwell too much upon that chapter. Let it
+suffice at present that you have been met with. You have been rolling a
+great stone up-hill all your life, and at last it has come tumbling down
+till it is like to crush you to pieces. Plain-dealing is best. If you
+have any particular mark, Mr. Baboon, whereby one may know when you fib
+and when you speak truth, you had best tell it me, that one may proceed
+accordingly. But since at present I know of none such, it is better that
+you should trust me than that I should trust you.
+
+LEWIS BABOON.--I know of no particular mark of veracity amongst us
+tradesmen but interest; and it is manifestly mine not to deceive you at
+this time. You may safely trust me, I can assure you.
+
+JOHN BULL.--The trust I give is, in short, this: I must have something
+in hand before I make the bargain, and the rest before it is concluded.
+
+LEWIS BABOON.--To show you I deal fairly, name your something.
+
+JOHN BULL.--I need not tell thee, old boy; thou canst guess.
+
+LEWIS BABOON.--Ecclesdown Castle,* I'll warrant you, because it has been
+formerly in your family. Say no more; you shall have it.
+
+     * Dunkirk.
+
+JOHN BULL.--I shall have it to my own self?
+
+LEWIS BABOON.--To thine own self.
+
+JOHN BULL.--Every wall, gate, room, and inch of Ecclesdown Castle, you
+say?
+
+LEWIS BABOON.--Just so.
+
+JOHN BULL.--Every single stone of Ecclesdown Castle, to my own self,
+speedily?
+
+LEWIS BABOON.--When you please; what needs more words?
+
+JOHN BULL.--But tell me, old boy, hast thou laid aside all thy
+equivocals and mentals in this case?
+
+LEWIS BABOON.--There's nothing like matter of fact; seeing is believing.
+
+JOHN BULL.--Now thou talkest to the purpose; let us shake hands, old
+boy. Let me ask thee one question more; what hast thou to do to meddle
+with the affairs of my family? to dispose of my estate, old boy?
+
+LEWIS BABOON.--Just as much as you have to do with the affairs of Lord
+Strutt.
+
+JOHN BULL.--Ay, but my trade, my very being was concerned in that.
+
+LEWIS BABOON.--And my interest was concerned in the other. But let us
+drop both our pretences; for I believe it is a moot point, whether I am
+more likely to make a Master Bull, or you a Lord Strutt.
+
+JOHN BULL.--Agreed, old boy; but then I must have security that I shall
+carry my broadcloth to market, old boy.
+
+LEWIS BABOON.--That you shall: Ecclesdown Castle! Ecclesdown! Remember
+that. Why wouldst thou not take it when it was offered thee some years
+ago?
+
+JOHN BULL.--I would not take it, because they told me thou wouldst not
+give it me.
+
+LEWIS BABOON.--How could Monsieur Bull be so grossly abused by downright
+nonsense? they that advised you to refuse, must have believed I intended
+to give, else why would they not make the experiment? But I can tell you
+more of that matter than perhaps you know at present.
+
+JOHN BULL.--But what say'st thou as to the Esquire, Nic. Frog, and the
+rest of the tradesmen? I must take care of them.
+
+LEWIS BABOON.--Thou hast but small obligations to Nic. to my certain
+knowledge: he has not used me like a gentleman.
+
+JOHN BULL.--Nic. indeed is not very nice in your punctilios of ceremony;
+he is clownish, as a man may say: belching and calling of names have
+been allowed him time out of mind, by prescription: but, however, we are
+engaged in one common cause, and I must look after him.
+
+LEWIS BABOON.--All matters that relate to him, and the rest of the
+plaintiff's in this lawsuit, I will refer to your justice.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIX. Nic. Frog's letter to John Bull: wherein he endeavours to
+vindicate all his conduct, with relation to John Bull and the lawsuit.
+
+Nic. perceived now that his Cully had eloped, that John intended
+henceforth to deal without a broker; but he was resolved to leave no
+stone unturned to cover his bubble. Amongst other artifices he wrote a
+most obliging letter, which he sent him printed in a fair character.
+
+"DEAR FRIEND,--When I consider the late ill-usage I have met with from
+you, I was reflecting what it was that could provoke you to it, but
+upon a narrow inspection into my conduct, I can find nothing to reproach
+myself with but too partial a concern for your interest. You no sooner
+set this composition afoot but I was ready to comply, and prevented your
+very wishes; and the affair might have been ended before now, had it
+not been for the greater concerns of Esquire South and the other poor
+creatures embarked in the same common cause, whose safety touches me to
+the quick. You seemed a little jealous that I had dealt unfairly with
+you in money-matters, till it appeared by your own accounts that there
+was something due to me upon the balance. Having nothing to answer to so
+plain a demonstration, you began to complain as if I had been familiar
+with your reputation; when it is well known not only I, but the meanest
+servants in my family, talk of you with the utmost respect. I have
+always, as far as in me lies, exhorted your servants and tenants to be
+dutiful; not that I any way meddle in your domestic affairs, which were
+very unbecoming for me to do. If some of your servants express their
+great concern for you in a manner that is not so very polite, you ought
+to impute it to their extraordinary zeal, which deserves a reward
+rather than a reproof. You cannot reproach me for want of success at
+the 'Salutation,' since I am not master of the passions and interests of
+other folks. I have beggared myself with this lawsuit, undertaken merely
+in complaisance to you; and if you would have had but a little patience,
+I had still greater things in reserve, that I intended to have done for
+you. I hope what I have said will prevail with you to lay aside your
+unreasonable jealousies, and that we may have no more meetings at the
+'Salutation,' spending our time and money to no purpose. My concern for
+your welfare and prosperity almost makes me mad. You may be assured I
+will continue to be
+
+"Your affectionate
+
+"Friend and Servant,
+
+"Nic. Frog."*
+
+     * Substance of the States letter.
+
+John received this with a good deal of sang-froid; "Transeat," quoth
+John, "cum caeteris erroribus." He was now at his ease; he saw he could
+now make a very good bargain for himself, and a very safe one for other
+folks. "My shirt," quoth he, "is near me, but my skin is nearer. Whilst
+I take care of the welfare of other folks, nobody can blame me to apply
+a little balsam to my own sores. It's a pretty thing, after all, for a
+man to do his own business; a man has such a tender concern for himself,
+there's nothing like it. This is somewhat better, I trow, than for John
+Bull to be standing in the market, like a great dray-horse, with Frog's
+paws upon his head. What will you give me for this beast? Serviteur
+Nic. Frog, though John Bull has not read your Aristotles, Platos, and
+Machiavels, he can see as far into a mill-stone as another." With that
+John began to chuckle and laugh till he was like to have burst his
+sides.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XX. The discourse that passed between Nic. Frog and Esquire
+South, which John Bull overheard.*
+
+     * Negotiations between the Emperor and the Dutch for
+     continuing the war, and getting the property of Flanders.
+
+John thought every minute a year till he got into Ecclesdown Castle; he
+repairs to the "Salutation" with a design to break the matter gently to
+his partners. Before he entered he overheard Nic. and the Esquire in a
+very pleasant conference.
+
+ESQUIRE SOUTH.--Oh, the ingratitude and injustice of mankind! That John
+Bull, whom I have honoured with my friendship and protection so long,
+should flinch at last, and pretend that he can disburse no more money
+for me! that the family of the Souths, by his sneaking temper, should be
+kept out of their own!
+
+NIC. FROG.--An't like your worship, I am in amaze at it; I think the
+rogue should be compelled to his duty.
+
+ESQUIRE SOUTH.--That he should prefer his scandalous pelf, the dust and
+dregs of the earth, to the prosperity and grandeur of my family!
+
+NIC. FROG.--Nay, he is mistaken there, too; for he would quickly lick
+himself whole again by his vails. It's strange he should prefer Philip
+Baboon's custom to Esquire South's.
+
+ESQUIRE SOUTH.--As you say, that my clothier, that is to get so much by
+the purchase, should refuse to put me in possession; did you ever know
+any man's tradesman serve him so before?
+
+NIC. FROG.--No, indeed, an't please your worship, it is a very unusual
+proceeding; and I would not have been guilty of it for the world. If
+your honour had not a great stock of moderation and patience, you would
+not bear it so well as you do.
+
+ESQUIRE SOUTH.--It is most intolerable, that's certain, Nic., and I will
+be revenged.
+
+NIC. FROG.--Methinks it is strange that Philip Baboon's tenants do not
+all take your honour's part, considering how good and gentle a master
+you are.
+
+ESQUIRE SOUTH.--True, Nic., but few are sensible of merit in this world.
+It is a great comfort to have so faithful a friend as thyself in so
+critical a juncture.
+
+NIC. FROG.--If all the world should forsake you, be assured Nic. Frog
+never will; let us stick to our point, and we'll manage Bull, I'll
+warrant ye.
+
+ESQUIRE SOUTH.--Let me kiss thee, dear Nic.; I have found one honest man
+among a thousand at last.
+
+NIC. FROG.--If it were possible, your honour has it in your power to wed
+me still closer to your interest.
+
+ESQUIRE SOUTH.--Tell me quickly, dear Nic.
+
+NIC. FROG.--You know I am your tenant; the difference between my lease
+and an inheritance is such a trifle as I am sure you will not grudge
+your poor friend. That will be an encouragement to go on; besides, it
+will make Bull as mad as the devil: you and I shall be able to manage
+him then to some purpose.
+
+ESQUIRE SOUTH.--Say no more; it shall be done, Nic., to thy heart's
+content.
+
+John all this while was listening to this comical dialogue, and laughed
+heartily in his sleeve at the pride and simplicity of the Esquire, and
+the sly roguery of his friend Nic. Then of a sudden bolting into the
+room, he began to tell them that he believed he had brought Lewis to
+reasonable terms, if they would please to hear them.
+
+Then they all bawled out aloud, "No composition: long live Esquire South
+and the Law!" As John was going to proceed, some roared, some stamped
+with their feet, others stopped their ears with their fingers.
+
+"Nay, gentlemen," quoth John, "if you will but stop proceeding for
+a while, you shall judge yourselves whether Lewis's proposals* are
+reasonable."
+
+     * Proposals for cessation of arms and delivery of Dunkirk.
+
+ALL.--Very fine, indeed; stop proceeding, and so lose a term.
+
+JOHN BULL.--Not so neither; we have something by way of advance: he will
+put us in possession of his Manor and Castle of Ecclesdown.
+
+NIC. FROG.--What dost talk of us? thou meanest thyself.
+
+JOHN BULL.--When Frog took possession of anything, it was always said to
+be for us, and why may not John Bull be us as well as Nic. Frog was us?
+I hope John Bull is no more confined to singularity than Nic. Frog; or,
+take it so, the constant doctrine that thou hast preached up for many
+years was that thou and I are one; and why must we be supposed two in
+this case, that were always one before? It's impossible that thou and I
+can fall out, Nic.; we must trust one another. I have trusted thee with
+a great many things--prithee trust me with this one trifle.
+
+NIC. FROG.--That principle is true in the main, but there is some
+speciality in this case that makes it highly inconvenient for us both.
+
+JOHN BULL.--Those are your jealousies, that the common enemies sow
+between us: how often hast thou warned me of those rogues, Nic., that
+would make us mistrustful of one another!
+
+NIC. FROG.--This Ecclesdown Castle is only a bone of contention.
+
+JOHN BULL.--It depends upon you to make it so; for my part, I am as
+peaceable as a lamb.
+
+NIC. FROG.--But do you consider the unwholesomeness of the air and soil,
+the expenses of reparations and servants? I would scorn to accept of
+such a quagmire.
+
+JOHN BULL.--You are a great man, Nic., but in my circumstances I must be
+e'en content to take it as it is.
+
+NIC. FROG.--And you are really so silly as to believe the old cheating
+rogue will give it you?
+
+JOHN BULL.--I believe nothing but matter of fact; I stand and fall by
+that. I am resolved to put him to it.
+
+NIC. FROG.--And so relinquish the hopefullest cause in the world: a
+claim that will certainly in the end make thy fortune for ever.
+
+JOHN BULL.--Wilt thou purchase it, Nic.? thou shalt have a lumping
+pennyworth; nay, rather than we should differ, I'll give thee something
+to take it off my hands.
+
+NIC. FROG.--If thou wouldst but moderate that hasty, impatient temper
+of thine, thou shouldst quickly see a better thing than all that. What
+shouldst thou think to find old Lewis turned out of his paternal estates
+and mansion-house of Claypool?* Would not that do thy heart good, to see
+thy old friend, Nic. Frog, Lord of Claypool? Then thou and thy wife and
+children should walk in my gardens, buy toys, drink lemonade, and now
+and then we should have a country dance.
+
+     * Claypool, Paris--Lutetia.
+
+JOHN BULL.--I love to be plain: I'd as lief see myself in Ecclesdown
+Castle as thee in Claypool. I tell you again, Lewis gives this as a
+pledge of his sincerity; if you won't stop proceeding to hear him, I
+will.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXI. The rest of Nic.'s fetches to keep John out of Ecclesdown
+Castle.*
+
+     * Attempts to hinder the cessation, and taking possession of
+     Dunkirk.
+
+When Nic. could not dissuade John by argument, he tried to move his
+pity; he pretended to be sick and like to die; that he should leave his
+wife and children in a starving condition, if John did abandon him; that
+he was hardly able to crawl about the room, far less capable to look
+after such a troublesome business as this lawsuit, and therefore begged
+that his good friend would not leave him. When he saw that John was
+still inexorable, he pulled out a case-knife, with which he used to
+snicker-snee, and threatened to cut his own throat. Thrice he aimed
+the knife to his windpipe with a most determined threatening air. "What
+signifies life," quoth he, "in this languishing condition? It will be
+some pleasure that my friends will revenge my death upon this barbarous
+man that has been the cause of it." All this while John looked sedate
+and calm, neither offering in the least to snatch the knife, nor stop
+his blow, trusting to the tenderness Nic. had for his own person. When
+he perceived that John was immovable in his purpose, he applied himself
+to Lewis.
+
+"Art thou," quoth he, "turned bubble in thy old age, from being a
+sharper in thy youth? What occasion hast thou to give up Ecclesdown
+Castle to John Bull? His friendship is not worth a rush. Give it me, and
+I'll make it worth thy while. If thou dislikest that proposition, keep
+it thyself; I'd rather thou shouldst have it than he. If thou hearkenest
+not to my advice, take what follows; Esquire South and I will go on with
+our lawsuit in spite of John Bull's teeth."
+
+LEWIS BABOON.--Monsieur Bull has used me like a gentleman, and I am
+resolved to make good my promise, and trust him for the consequences.
+
+NIC. FROG.--Then I tell thee thou art an old doating fool.--With that
+Nic. bounced up with a spring equal to that of one of your nimblest
+tumblers or rope-dancers, and fell foul upon John Bull, to snatch the
+cudgel* he had in his hand, that he might thwack Lewis with it: John
+held it fast so that there was no wrenching it from him. At last Squire
+South buckled to, to assist his friend Nic.: John hauled on one side,
+and they two on the other. Sometimes they were like to pull John
+over, then it went all of a sudden again on John's side, so they went
+see-sawing up and down, from one end of the room to the other. Down
+tumbled the tables, bottles, glasses, and tobacco-pipes; the wine and
+the tobacco were all spilt about the room, and the little fellows were
+almost trod under foot, till more of the tradesmen joining with Nic. and
+the Squire, John was hardly able to pull against then all, yet would he
+never quit hold of his trusty cudgel: which by the contrary force of two
+so great powers broke short in his hands.** Nic. seized the longer end,
+and with it began to bastinado old Lewis, who had slunk into a corner,
+waiting the event of this squabble. Nic. came up to him with an insolent
+menacing air, so that the old fellow was forced to scuttle out of the
+room, and retire behind a dung-cart. He called to Nic., "Thou insolent
+jackanapes, time was when thou durst not have used me so; thou now
+takest me unprovided; but, old and infirm as I am, I shall find a weapon
+by-and-by to chastise thy impudence."
+
+     * The army.
+
+     ** The separation of the army.
+
+When John Bull had recovered his breath, he began to parley with
+Nic.: "Friend Nic., I am glad to find thee so strong after thy great
+complaints; really thy motions, Nic., are pretty vigorous for a
+consumptive man. As for thy worldly affairs, Nic., if it can do thee
+any service, I freely make over to thee this profitable lawsuit, and
+I desire all these gentlemen to bear witness to this my act and deed.
+Yours be all the gain, as mine has been the charges. I have brought
+it to bear finely: however, all I have laid out upon it goes for
+nothing--thou shalt have it with all its appurtenances; I ask nothing
+but leave to go home."
+
+NIC. FROG.--The counsel are fee'd, and all things prepared for a trial;
+thou shalt be forced to stand the issue; it shall be pleaded in thy
+name as well as mine. Go home if thou canst; the gates are shut, the
+turnpikes locked, and the roads barricaded.*
+
+     * Difficulty of the march of part of the army to Dunkirk.
+
+JOHN BULL.--Even these very ways, Nic., that thou toldest me were as
+open to me as thyself, if I can't pass with my own equipage, what can I
+expect for my goods and wagons? I am denied passage through those very
+grounds that I have purchased with my own money. However, I am glad I
+have made the experiment; it may serve me in some stead.
+
+John Bull was so overjoyed that he was going to take possession of
+Ecclesdown, that nothing could vex him. "Nic.," quoth he, "I am just
+a-going to leave thee; cast a kind look upon me at parting."
+
+Nic. looked sour and glum, and would not open his mouth.
+
+JOHN BULL.--I wish thee all the success that thy heart can desire, and
+that these honest gentlemen of the long robe may have their belly full
+of law.
+
+Nic. could stand it no longer, but flung out of the room with disdain,
+and beckoned the lawyers to follow him.
+
+JOHN BULL.--B'ye, b'ye, Nic,; not one poor smile at parting? won't you
+shake your day-day, Nic? b'ye, Nic.--With that John marched out of the
+common road, across the country, to take possession of Ecclesdown.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXII. Of the great joy that John expressed when he got
+possession of Ecclesdown.*
+
+     * Dunkirk.
+
+When John had got into his castle he seemed like Ulysses upon his plank
+after he had been well soused in salt water, who, as Homer says, was as
+glad as a judge going to sit down to dinner after hearing a long cause
+upon the bench. I daresay John Bull's joy was equal to that of either
+of the two; he skipped from room to room, ran up-stairs and down-stairs,
+from the kitchen to the garrets, and from the garrets to the kitchen;
+he peeped into every cranny; sometimes he admired the beauty of the
+architecture and the vast solidity of the mason's work; at other times
+he commended the symmetry and proportion of the rooms. He walked about
+the gardens; he bathed himself in the canal, swimming, diving, and
+beating the liquid element like a milk-white swan. The hall resounded
+with the sprightly violin and the martial hautbois. The family tripped
+it about, and capered like hailstones bounding from a marble floor.
+Wine, ale, and October flew about as plentifully as kennel-water. Then
+a frolic took John in the head to call up some of Nic. Frog's pensioners
+that had been so mutinous in his family.
+
+JOHN BULL.--Are you glad to see your master in Ecclesdown Castle?
+
+ALL.--Yes, indeed, sir.
+
+JOHN BULL.--Extremely glad?
+
+ALL.--Extremely glad, sir.
+
+JOHN BULL.--Swear to me that you are so.
+
+Then they began to sink their souls to the lowest pit if any person in
+the world rejoiced more than they did.
+
+JOHN BULL.--Now hang me if I don't believe you are a parcel of perjured
+rascals; however, take this bumper of October to your master's health.
+
+Then John got upon the battlements, and looking over he called to Nic.
+Frog.--
+
+"How d'ye do, Nic.? D'ye see where I am, Nic.? I hope the cause goes
+on swimmingly, Nic. When dost thou intend to go to Claypool, Nic.? Wilt
+thou buy there some high heads of the newest cut for my daughters? How
+comest thou to go with thy arm tied up? Has old Lewis given thee a rap
+over thy fingers' ends? Thy weapon was a good one when I wielded it, but
+the butt-end remains in my hands. I am so busy in packing up my goods
+that I have no time to talk with thee any longer. It would do thy heart
+good to see what wagon-loads I am preparing for market. If thou wantest
+any good office of mine, for all that has happened I will use thee well,
+Nic. B'ye, Nic."
+
+
+
+
+POSTSCRIPT.
+
+It has been disputed amongst the literati of Grub Street whether Sir
+Humphry proceeded any farther into the history of John Bull. By diligent
+inquiry we have found the titles of some chapters, which appear to be a
+continuation of it, and are as follow:--
+
+CHAP. I.--How John was made angry with the Articles of Agreement. How he
+kicked the Parchment through the House, up-stairs and down-stairs, and
+put himself in a great Heat thereby.
+
+CHAP. II.--How in his Passion he was going to cut off Sir Roger's head
+with a Cleaver. Of the strange manner of Sir Roger's escaping the blow,
+by laying his Head upon the Dresser.
+
+CHAP. III.--How some of John's Servants attempted to scale his House
+with Rope Ladders, and how many unfortunately dangled in the same.
+
+CHAP. IV.--Of the Methods by which John endeavoured to preserve the
+Peace amongst his Neighbours. How he kept a pair of Stillyards to weigh
+them, and by Diet, Purging, Vomiting, and Bleeding, tried to bring them
+to equal Bulk and Strength.
+
+CHAP. V.--Of False Accounts of the Weights given in by some of the
+Journeymen, and of the Newmarket Tricks that were practised at the
+Stillyards.
+
+CHAP. VI.--How John's New Journeymen brought him other guess Accounts of
+the Stillyards.
+
+CHAP. VII.--How Sir Swain Northy* was, by Bleeding, Purging, and a Steel
+Diet, brought into a Consumption, and how John was forced afterwards to
+give him the Gold Cordial.
+
+     * King of Sweden.
+
+CHAP. VIII.--How Peter Bear* was overfed, and afterwards refused to
+submit to the course of Physic.
+
+     * Czar of Muscovy.
+
+CHAP. IX.--How John pampered Esquire South with Tit-bits, till he grew
+wanton; how he got drunk with Calabrian Wine, and longed for Sicilian
+Beef, and how John carried him thither in his barge.
+
+CHAP. X.--How the Esquire, from a foul-feeder, grew dainty: how he
+longed for Mangoes, Spices, and Indian Birds' Nests, etc., and could not
+sleep but in a Chintz Bed.
+
+CHAP. XI.--The Esquire turned Tradesman; how he set up a China Shop*
+over against Nic. Frog.
+
+     * The Ostend Company.
+
+CHAP. XII.--How he procured Spanish Flies to blister his Neighbours, and
+as a Provocative to himself. As likewise how he carried off Nic. Frog's
+favourite Daughter.
+
+CHAP. XIII.--How Nic. Frog, hearing the Girl squeak, went to call John
+Bull as a Constable.
+
+CHAP. XIV.--How John rose out of his Bed on a cold Morning to prevent a
+Duel between Esq. South and Lord Strutt; how, to his great surprise,
+he found the Combatants drinking Geneva in a Brandy Shop, with Nic.'s
+favourite Daughter between them; how they both fell upon John, so that
+he was forced to fight his way out.
+
+CHAP. XV.--How John came with his Constable's Staff to rescue Nic.'s
+Daughter, and break the Esquire's China Ware.
+
+CHAP. XVI.--Commentary upon the Spanish Proverb, "Time and I against
+any Two;" or Advice to Dogmatical Politicians exemplified in some New
+Affairs between John Bull and Lewis Baboon.
+
+CHAP. XVII.--A Discourse of the delightful Game of Quadrille. How Lewis
+Baboon attempted to play a Game Solo in Clubs, and was bested; how John
+called Lewis for his King, and was afraid that his own Partner should
+have too many tricks; and how the Success and Skill of Quadrille depends
+upon calling a right King.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's The History of John Bull, by John Arbuthnot
+
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