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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/2643-h.zip b/2643-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6272179 --- /dev/null +++ b/2643-h.zip diff --git a/2643-h/2643-h.htm b/2643-h/2643-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c15b403 --- /dev/null +++ b/2643-h/2643-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,5234 @@ +<?xml version="1.0" encoding="us-ascii"?> + +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" > + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en"> + <head> + <title> + The History of John Bull, by John Arbuthnot, M.D. + </title> + <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + + body { margin:5%; background:#faebd0; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} + div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } + div.middle { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; } + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} + .pagenum {display:inline; font-size: 70%; font-style:normal; + margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%; + text-align: right;} + pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} + +</style> + </head> + <body> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The History of John Bull, by John Arbuthnot + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The History of John Bull + +Author: John Arbuthnot + +Commentator: Henry Morley + +Release Date: December 22, 2008 [EBook #2643] +Last Updated: January 26, 2013 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE HISTORY OF JOHN BULL *** + + + + +Produced by Les Bowler, and David Widger + + + + + +</pre> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <h1> + THE HISTORY OF JOHN BULL + </h1> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h2> + By John Arbuthnot, M.D. + </h2> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <blockquote> + <p class="toc"> + <big><b>CONTENTS</b></big> + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_INTR"> INTRODUCTION BY HENRY MORLEY. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0002"> AUTHOR'S PREFACE. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0003"> THE HISTORY OF JOHN BULL. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0001"> CHAPTER I. The Occasion of the Law Suit. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0002"> CHAPTER II. How Bull and Frog grew jealous that + the Lord Strutt intended to give all his custom to his grandfather Lewis + Baboon. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0003"> CHAPTER III. A Copy of Bull and Frog's Letter + to Lord Strutt. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0004"> CHAPTER IV. How Bull and Frog went to law with + Lord Strutt about the premises, and were joined by the rest of the + tradesmen. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0005"> CHAPTER V. The true characters of John Bull, + Nic. Frog, and Hocus.* </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0006"> CHAPTER VI. Of the various success of the + Lawsuit.* </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0007"> CHAPTER VII. How John Bull was so mightily + pleased with his success that he was going to leave off his trade and + turn Lawyer. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0008"> CHAPTER VIII. How John discovered that Hocus + had an Intrigue with his Wife;* and what followed thereupon. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0009"> CHAPTER IX. How some Quacks undertook to cure + Mrs. Bull of her ulcer.* </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0010"> CHAPTER X. Of John Bull's second Wife, and the + good Advice that she gave him.* </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0011"> CHAPTER XI. How John looked over his Attorney's + Bill.* </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0012"> CHAPTER XII. How John grew angry, and resolved + to accept a Composition; and what Methods were practised by the Lawyers + for keeping him from it.* </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0013"> CHAPTER XIII. Mrs. Bull's vindication of the + indispensable duty incumbent upon Wives in case of the Tyranny, + Infidelity, or Insufficiency of Husbands; </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0014"> CHAPTER XIV. The two great Parties of Wives, + the Devotos and the Hitts.* </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0015"> CHAPTER XV. An Account of the Conference + between Mrs. Bull and Don Diego.* </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0016"> CHAPTER XVI. How the guardians of the deceased + Mrs. Bull's three daughters came to John, and what advice they gave him; + wherein is briefly treated the characters of the three daughters. Also + John Bull's answer to the three guardians.* </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0017"> CHAPTER XVII. Esquire South's Message and + Letter to Mrs. Bull.* </a> + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_PART"> <b>PART II.</b> </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0022"> THE PUBLISHER'S PREFACE. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0018"> CHAPTER I. The Character of John Bull's + Mother.* </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0019"> CHAPTER II. The Character of John Bull's Sister + Peg,* with the Quarrels that happened between Master and Miss in their + Childhood. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0020"> CHAPTER III. Jack's Charms,* or the Method by + which he gained Peg's Heart. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0021"> CHAPTER IV. How the relations reconciled John + and his sister Peg, and what return Peg made to John's message.* </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0022"> CHAPTER V. Of some Quarrels that happened after + Peg was taken into the Family.* </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0023"> CHAPTER VI. The conversation between John Bull + and his wife.* </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0024"> CHAPTER VII. Of the hard shifts Mrs. Bull was + put to preserve the Manor of Bullock's Hatch, with Sir Roger's method to + keep off importunate duns.* </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0025"> CHAPTER VIII. A continuation of the + conversation betwixt John Bull and his wife. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0026"> CHAPTER IX. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0027"> CHAPTER X. Of some extraordinary Things* that + passed at the "Salutation" Tavern, in the Conference between Bull, Frog, + Esquire South, and Lewis </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0028"> CHAPTER XI.* The apprehending, examination, and + imprisonment of Jack for suspicion of poisoning. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0029"> CHAPTER XII. How Jack's friends came to visit + him in prison, and what advice they gave him. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0030"> CHAPTER XIII. How Jack hanged himself up by the + persuasion of his friends, who broke their words, and left his neck in + the noose. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0031"> CHAPTER XIV. The Conference between Don Diego + and John Bull. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0032"> CHAPTER XV. The sequel of the meeting at the + "Salutation."* </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0033"> CHAPTER XVI. How John Bull and Nic. Frog + settled their Accounts. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0034"> CHAPTER XVII. How John Bull found all his + Family in an Uproar at Home.* </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0035"> CHAPTER XVIII. How Lewis Baboon came to visit + John Bull, and what passed between them. * </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0036"> CHAPTER XIX. Nic. Frog's letter to John Bull: + wherein he endeavours to vindicate all his conduct, with relation to + John Bull and the lawsuit. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0037"> CHAPTER XX. The discourse that passed between + Nic. Frog and Esquire South, which John Bull overheard.* </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0038"> CHAPTER XXI. The rest of Nic.'s fetches to keep + John out of Ecclesdown Castle.* </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0039"> CHAPTER XXII. Of the great joy that John + expressed when he got possession of Ecclesdown.* </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0045"> POSTSCRIPT. </a> + </p> + </blockquote> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <a name="link2H_INTR" id="link2H_INTR"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + INTRODUCTION BY HENRY MORLEY. + </h2> + <p> + This is the book which fixed the name and character of John Bull on the + English people. Though in one part of the story he is thin and long nosed, + as a result of trouble, generally he is suggested to us as "ruddy and + plump, with a pair of cheeks like a trumpeter," an honest tradesman, + simple and straightforward, easily cheated; but when he takes his affairs + into his own hands, acting with good plain sense, knowing very well what + he wants done, and doing it. + </p> + <p> + The book was begun in the year 1712, and published in four successive + groups of chapters that dealt playfully, from the Tory point of view, with + public affairs leading up to the Peace of Utrecht. The Peace urged and + made by the Tories was in these light papers recommended to the public. + The last touches in the parable refer to the beginning of the year 1713, + when the Duke of Ormond separated his troops from those of the Allies and + went to receive Dunkirk as the stipulated condition of cessation of arms. + After the withdrawal of the British troops, Prince Eugene was defeated by + Marshal Villars at Denain, and other reverses followed. The Peace of + Utrecht was signed on the 31st of March. + </p> + <p> + Some chapters in this book deal in like manner, from the point of view of + a good-natured Tory of Queen Anne's time, with the feuds of the day + between Church and Dissent. Other chapters unite with this topic a playful + account of another chief political event of the time—the negotiation + leading to the Act of Union between England and Scotland, which received + the Royal Assent on the 6th of March, 1707; John Bull then consented to + receive his "Sister Peg" into his house. The Church, of course, is John + Bull's mother; his first wife is a Whig Parliament, his second wife a Tory + Parliament, which first met in November, 1710. + </p> + <p> + This "History of John Bull" began with the first of its four parts + entitled "Law is a Bottomless Pit, exemplified in the case of Lord Strutt, + John Bull, Nicholas Frog, and Lewis Baboon, who spent all they had in a + Law-suit." For Law put War—the War of the Spanish Succession; for + lawyers, soldiers; for sessions, campaigns; for verdicts, battles won; for + Humphry Hocus the attorney, Marlborough the general; for law expenses, war + expenses; and for aim of the whole, to aid the Tory policy of peace with + France. A second part followed, entitled "John Bull in his Senses;" the + third part was called "John Bull still in his Senses;" and the fourth + part, "Lewis Baboon turned Honest, and John Bull Politician." The four + parts were afterwards arranged into two, as they are here reprinted, and + published together as "The History of John Bull," with a few notes by the + author which sufficiently explain its drift. + </p> + <p> + The author was John Arbuthnot, a physician, familiar friend of Pope and + Swift, whom Pope addressed as + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Friend to my life, which did not you prolong, + The world had wanted many an idle song;" +</pre> + <p> + and of whom Swift said, that "he has more wit than we all have, and his + humanity is equal to his wit." "If there were a dozen Arbuthnots in the + world," said Swift, "I would burn 'Gulliver's Travels.'" + </p> + <p> + Arbuthnot was of Swift's age, born in 1667, son of a Scotch Episcopal + clergyman, who lost his living at the Revolution. His sons—all + trained in High Church principles—left Scotland to seek their + fortunes; John came to London and taught mathematics. He took his degree + of Doctor of Medicine at St. Andrews in 1696; found use for mathematics in + his studies of medicine; became a Fellow of the Royal Society; and being + by chance at Epsom when Queen Anne's husband was taken ill, prescribed for + him so successfully that he was made in 1705 Physician Extraordinary, and + upon the occurrence of a vacancy in 1709 Physician in Ordinary, to the + Queen. Swift calls him her favourite physician. In 1710 he was admitted + Fellow of the Royal College of Physicians. That was Arbuthnot's position + in 1712-13 when, at the age of forty-five, he wrote this "History of John + Bull." He was personal friend of the Ministers whose policy he supported, + and especially of Harley, Earl of Oxford, the Sir Roger of the History. + </p> + <p> + After Queen Anne's death, and the coming of the Whigs to power, Arbuthnot + lost his office at Court. But he was the friend and physician of all the + wits; himself without literary ambition, allowing friends to make what + alterations they pleased in pieces that he wrote, or his children to make + kites of them. A couple of years before his death he suffered deeply from + the loss of the elder of his two sons. He was himself afflicted then with + stone, and retired to Hampstead to die. "A recovery," he wrote to Swift, + "is in my case and in my age impossible; the kindest wish of my friends is + euthanasia." He died in 1735. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0002" id="link2H_4_0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + AUTHOR'S PREFACE. + </h2> + <p> + When I was first called to the office of historiographer to John Bull, he + expressed himself to this purpose:—"Sir Humphrey Polesworth,* I know + you are a plain dealer; it is for that reason I have chosen you for this + important trust; speak the truth and spare not." That I might fulfil those + his honourable intentions, I obtained leave to repair to, and attend him + in his most secret retirements; and I put the journals of all transactions + into a strong box, to be opened at a fitting occasion, after the manner of + the historiographers of some eastern monarchs: this I thought was the + safest way; though I declare I was never afraid to be chopped** by my + master for telling of truth. It is from those journals that my memoirs are + compiled: therefore let not posterity a thousand years hence look for + truth in the voluminous annals of pedants, who are entirely ignorant of + the secret springs of great actions; if they do, let me tell them they + will be nebused.*** + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * A Member of Parliament, eminent for a certain cant in his + conversation, of which there is a good deal in this book. + + ** A cant word of Sir Humphrey's. + + *** Another cant word, signifying deceived. +</pre> + <p> + With incredible pains have I endeavoured to copy the several beauties of + the ancient and modern historians; the impartial temper of Herodotus, the + gravity, austerity, and strict morals of Thucydides, the extensive + knowledge of Xenophon, the sublimity and grandeur of Titus Livius; and to + avoid the careless style of Polybius, I have borrowed considerable + ornaments from Dionysius Halicarnasseus, and Diodorus Siculus. The + specious gilding of Tacitus I have endeavoured to shun. Mariana, Davila, + and Fra. Paulo, are those amongst the moderns whom I thought most worthy + of imitation; but I cannot be so disingenuous, as not to own the infinite + obligations I have to the "Pilgrim's Progress" of John Bunyan, and the + "Tenter Belly" of the Reverend Joseph Hall. + </p> + <p> + From such encouragement and helps, it is easy to guess to what a degree of + perfection I might have brought this great work, had it not been nipped in + the bud by some illiterate people in both Houses of Parliament, who + envying the great figure I was to make in future ages, under pretence of + raising money for the war,* have padlocked all those very pens that were + to celebrate the actions of their heroes, by silencing at once the whole + university of Grub Street. I am persuaded that nothing but the prospect of + an approaching peace could have encouraged them to make so bold a step. + But suffer me, in the name of the rest of the matriculates of that famous + university, to ask them some plain questions: Do they think that peace + will bring along with it the golden age? Will there be never a dying + speech of a traitor? Are Cethegus and Catiline turned so tame, that there + will be no opportunity to cry about the streets, "A Dangerous Plot?" Will + peace bring such plenty that no gentleman will have occasion to go upon + the highway, or break into a house? I am sorry that the world should be so + much imposed upon by the dreams of a false prophet, as to imagine the + Millennium is at hand. O Grub Street! thou fruitful nursery of towering + geniuses! How do I lament thy downfall? Thy ruin could never be meditated + by any who meant well to English liberty. No modern lyceum will ever equal + thy glory: whether in soft pastorals thou didst sing the flames of + pampered apprentices and coy cook maids; or mournful ditties of departing + lovers; or if to Maeonian strains thou raisedst thy voice, to record the + stratagems, the arduous exploits, and the nocturnal scalade of needy + heroes, the terror of your peaceful citizens, describing the powerful + Betty or the artful Picklock, or the secret caverns and grottoes of Vulcan + sweating at his forge, and stamping the queen's image on viler metals + which he retails for beef and pots of ale; or if thou wert content in + simple narrative, to relate the cruel acts of implacable revenge, or the + complaint of ravished virgins blushing to tell their adventures before the + listening crowd of city damsels, whilst in thy faithful history thou + intermingledst the gravest counsels and the purest morals. Nor less acute + and piercing wert thou in thy search and pompous descriptions of the works + of nature; whether in proper and emphatic terms thou didst paint the + blazing comet's fiery tail, the stupendous force of dreadful thunder and + earthquakes, and the unrelenting inundations. Sometimes, with Machiavelian + sagacity, thou unravelledst intrigues of state, and the traitorous + conspiracies of rebels, giving wise counsel to monarchs. How didst thou + move our terror and our pity with thy passionate scenes between Jack Catch + and the heroes of the Old Bailey? How didst thou describe their intrepid + march up Holborn Hill? Nor didst thou shine less in thy theological + capacity, when thou gavest ghostly counsels to dying felons, and didst + record the guilty pangs of Sabbath breakers. How will the noble arts of + John Overton's** painting and sculpture now languish? where rich + invention, proper expression, correct design, divine attitudes, and artful + contrast, heightened with the beauties of Clar. Obscur., embellished thy + celebrated pieces, to the delight and astonishment of the judicious + multitude! Adieu, persuasive eloquence! the quaint metaphor, the poignant + irony, the proper epithet, and the lively simile, are fled for ever! + Instead of these, we shall have, I know not what! The illiterate will tell + the rest with pleasure. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Act restraining the liberty of the press, etc. + + ** The engraver of the cuts before the Grub Street papers. +</pre> + <p> + I hope the reader will excuse this digression, due by way of condolence to + my worthy brethren of Grub Street, for the approaching barbarity that is + likely to overspread all its regions by this oppressive and exorbitant + tax. It has been my good fortune to receive my education there; and so + long as I preserved some figure and rank amongst the learned of that + society, I scorned to take my degree either at Utrecht or Leyden, though I + was offered it gratis by the professors in those universities. + </p> + <p> + And now that posterity may not be ignorant in what age so excellent a + history was written (which would otherwise, no doubt, be the subject of + its inquiries), I think it proper to inform the learned of future times, + that it was compiled when Louis XIV. was King of France, and Philip his + grandson of Spain; when England and Holland, in conjunction with the + Emperor and the Allies, entered into a war against these two princes, + which lasted ten years, under the management of the Duke of Marlborough, + and was put to a conclusion by the Treaty of Utrecht, under the ministry + of the Earl of Oxford, in the year 1713. + </p> + <p> + Many at that time did imagine the history of John Bull, and the personages + mentioned in it, to be allegorical, which the author would never own. + Notwithstanding, to indulge the reader's fancy and curiosity, I have + printed at the bottom of the page the supposed allusions of the most + obscure parts of the story. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0003" id="link2H_4_0003"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE HISTORY OF JOHN BULL. + </h2> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0001" id="link2HCH0001"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER I. The Occasion of the Law Suit. + </h2> + <p> + I need not tell you of the great quarrels that have happened in our + neighbourhood since the death of the late Lord Strutt;* how the parson** + and a cunning attorney got him to settle his estate upon his cousin Philip + Baboon, to the great disappointment of his cousin Esquire South. Some + stick not to say that the parson and the attorney forged a will; for which + they were well paid by the family of the Baboons. Let that be as it will, + it is matter of fact that the honour and estate have continued ever since + in the person of Philip Baboon. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Late King of Spain. + + ** Cardinal Portocarero. +</pre> + <p> + You know that the Lord Strutts have for many years been possessed of a + very great landed estate, well conditioned, wooded, watered, with coal, + salt, tin, copper, iron, etc., all within themselves; that it has been the + misfortune of that family to be the property of their stewards, tradesmen, + and inferior servants, which has brought great incumbrances upon them; at + the same time, their not abating of their expensive way of living has + forced them to mortgage their best manors. It is credibly reported that + the butcher's and baker's bill of a Lord Strutt that lived two hundred + years ago are not yet paid. + </p> + <p> + When Philip Baboon came first to the possession of the Lord Strutt's + estate, his tradesmen,* as is usual upon such occasions, waited upon him + to wish him joy and bespeak his custom. The two chief were John Bull,** + the clothier, and Nic. Frog,*** the linendraper. They told him that the + Bulls and Frogs had served the Lord Strutts with draperyware for many + years; that they were honest and fair dealers; that their bills had never + been questioned; that the Lord Strutts lived generously, and never used to + dirty their fingers with pen, ink, and counters; that his lordship might + depend upon their honesty that they would use him as kindly as they had + done his predecessors. The young lord seemed to take all in good part, and + dismissed them with a deal of seeming content, assuring them he did not + intend to change any of the honourable maxims of his predecessors. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * The first letters of congratulation from King William and + the States of Holland upon King Philip's accession to the + crown of Spain. + + ** The English. + + *** The Dutch. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0002" id="link2HCH0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER II. How Bull and Frog grew jealous that the Lord Strutt intended + to give all his custom to his grandfather Lewis Baboon. + </h2> + <p> + It happened unfortunately for the peace of our neighbourhood that this + young lord had an old cunning rogue, or, as the Scots call it, a false + loon of a grandfather, that one might justly call a Jack-of-all-Trades.* + Sometimes you would see him behind his counter selling broadcloth, + sometimes measuring linen; next day he would be dealing in merceryware. + High heads, ribbons, gloves, fans, and lace he understood to a nicety. + Charles Mather could not bubble a young beau better with a toy; nay, he + would descend even to the selling of tape, garters, and shoe-buckles. When + shop was shut up he would go about the neighbourhood and earn half-a-crown + by teaching the young men and maids to dance. By these methods he had + acquired immense riches, which he used to squander* away at back-sword, + quarter-staff, and cudgel-play, in which he took great pleasure, and + challenged all the country. You will say it is no wonder if Bull and Frog + should be jealous of this fellow. "It is not impossible," says Frog to + Bull, "but this old rogue will take the management of the young lord's + business into his hands; besides, the rascal has good ware, and will serve + him as cheap as anybody. In that case, I leave you to judge what must + become of us and our families; we must starve, or turn journeyman to old + Lewis Baboon. Therefore, neighbour, I hold it advisable that we write to + young Lord Strutt to know the bottom of this matter." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * The character and trade of the French nation. + + ** The King's disposition to war. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0003" id="link2HCH0003"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER III. A Copy of Bull and Frog's Letter to Lord Strutt. + </h2> + <p> + My Lord,—I suppose your lordship knows that the Bulls and the Frogs + have served the Lord Strutts with all sorts of draperyware time out of + mind. And whereas we are jealous, not without reason, that your lordship + intends henceforth to buy of your grandsire old Lewis Baboon, this is to + inform your lordship that this proceeding does not suit with the + circumstances of our families, who have lived and made a good figure in + the world by the generosity of the Lord Strutts. Therefore we think fit to + acquaint your lordship that you must find sufficient security to us, our + heirs, and assigns that you will not employ Lewis Baboon, or else we will + take our remedy at law, clap an action upon you of 20,000 pounds for old + debts, seize and distrain your goods and chattels, which, considering your + lordship's circumstances, will plunge you into difficulties, from which it + will not be easy to extricate yourself. Therefore we hope, when your + lordship has better considered on it, you will comply with the desire of + </p> + <p> + Your loving friends, + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL, NIC. FROG. + </p> + <p> + Some of Bull's friends advised him to take gentler methods with the young + lord, but John naturally loved rough play. It is impossible to express the + surprise of the Lord Strutt upon the receipt of this letter. He was not + flush in ready either to go to law or clear old debts, neither could he + find good bail. He offered to bring matters to a friendly accommodation, + and promised, upon his word of honour, that he would not change his + drapers; but all to no purpose, for Bull and Frog saw clearly that old + Lewis would have the cheating of him. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0004" id="link2HCH0004"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER IV. How Bull and Frog went to law with Lord Strutt about the + premises, and were joined by the rest of the tradesmen. + </h2> + <p> + All endeavours of accommodation between Lord Strutt and his drapers proved + vain. Jealousies increased, and, indeed, it was rumoured abroad that Lord + Strutt had bespoke his new liveries of old Lewis Baboon. This coming to + Mrs. Bull's ears, when John Bull came home, he found all his family in an + uproar. Mrs. Bull, you must know, was very apt to be choleric. "You sot," + says she, "you loiter about alehouses and taverns, spend your time at + billiards, ninepins, or puppet-shows, or flaunt about the streets in your + new gilt chariot, never minding me nor your numerous family. Don't you + hear how Lord Strutt has bespoke his liveries at Lewis Baboon's shop? + Don't you see how that old fox steals away your customers, and turns you + out of your business every day, and you sit like an idle drone, with your + hands in your pockets? Fie upon it. Up man, rouse thyself; I'll sell to my + shift before I'll be so used by that knave."* You must think Mrs. Bull had + been pretty well tuned up by Frog, who chimed in with her learned + harangue. No further delay now, but to counsel learned in the law they go, + who unanimously assured them both of justice and infallible success of + their lawsuit. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * The sentiments and addresses of the Parliament at that + time. +</pre> + <p> + I told you before that old Lewis Baboon was a sort of a + Jack-of-all-trades, which made the rest of the tradesmen jealous, as well + as Bull and Frog; they hearing of the quarrel, were glad of an opportunity + of joining against old Lewis Baboon, provided that Bull and Frog would + bear the charges of the suit. Even lying Ned, the chimney-sweeper of + Savoy, and Tom, the Portugal dustman, put in their claims, and the cause + was put into the hands of Humphry Hocus, the attorney. + </p> + <p> + A declaration was drawn up to show "That Bull and Frog had undoubted right + by prescription to be drapers to the Lord Strutts; that there were several + old contracts to that purpose; that Lewis Baboon had taken up the trade of + clothier and draper without serving his time or purchasing his freedom; + that he sold goods that were not marketable without the stamp; that he + himself was more fit for a bully than a tradesman, and went about through + all the country fairs challenging people to fight prizes, wrestling and + cudgel play, and abundance more to this purpose." + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0005" id="link2HCH0005"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER V. The true characters of John Bull, Nic. Frog, and Hocus.* + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Characters of the English and Dutch, and the General Duke + of Marlborough. +</pre> + <p> + For the better understanding the following history the reader ought to + know that Bull, in the main, was an honest, plain-dealing fellow, + choleric, bold, and of a very unconstant temper; he dreaded not old Lewis + either at back-sword, single falchion, or cudgel-play; but then he was + very apt to quarrel with his best friends, especially if they pretended to + govern him. If you flattered him you might lead him like a child. John's + temper depended very much upon the air; his spirits rose and fell with the + weather-glass. John was quick and understood his business very well, but + no man alive was more careless in looking into his accounts, or more + cheated by partners, apprentices, and servants. This was occasioned by his + being a boon companion, loving his bottle and his diversion; for, to say + truth, no man kept a better house than John, nor spent his money more + generously. By plain and fair dealing John had acquired some plums, and + might have kept them, had it not been for his unhappy lawsuit. + </p> + <p> + Nic. Frog was a cunning, sly fellow, quite the reverse of John in many + particulars; covetous, frugal, minded domestic affairs, would pinch his + belly to save his pocket, never lost a farthing by careless servants or + bad debtors. He did not care much for any sort of diversion, except tricks + of high German artists and legerdemain. No man exceeded Nic. in these; yet + it must be owned that Nic. was a fair dealer, and in that way acquired + immense riches. + </p> + <p> + Hocus was an old cunning attorney, and though this was the first + considerable suit that ever he was engaged in he showed himself superior + in address to most of his profession. He kept always good clerks, he loved + money, was smooth-tongued, gave good words, and seldom lost his temper. He + was not worse than an infidel, for he provided plentifully for his family, + but he loved himself better than them all. The neighbours reported that he + was henpecked, which was impossible, by such a mild-spirited woman as his + wife was. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0006" id="link2HCH0006"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VI. Of the various success of the Lawsuit.* + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * The success of the war. +</pre> + <p> + Law is a bottomless pit; it is a cormorant, a harpy, that devours + everything. John Bull was flattered by the lawyers that his suit would not + last above a year or two at most; that before that time he would be in + quiet possession of his business; yet ten long years did Hocus steer his + cause through all the meanders of the law and all the courts. No skill, no + address was wanting, and, to say truth, John did not starve the cause; + there wanted not yellowboys to fee counsel, hire witnesses, and bribe + juries. Lord Strutt was generally cast, never had one verdict in his + favour, and John was promised that the next, and the next, would be the + final determination; but, alas! that final determination and happy + conclusion was like an enchanted island; the nearer John came to it the + further it went from him. New trials upon new points still arose, new + doubts, new matters to be cleared; in short, lawyers seldom part with so + good a cause till they have got the oyster and their clients the shell. + John's ready money, book debts, bonds, mortgages, all went into the + lawyers' pockets. Then John began to borrow money upon Bank Stock and East + India Bonds. Now and then a farm went to pot. At last it was thought a + good expedient to set up Esquire South's title to prove the will forged + and dispossess Philip Lord Strutt at once. Here again was a new field for + the lawyers, and the cause grew more intricate than ever. John grew madder + and madder; wherever he met any of Lord Strutt's servants he tore off + their clothes. Now and then you would see them come home naked, without + shoes, stockings, and linen. As for old Lewis Baboon, he was reduced to + his last shift, though he had as many as any other. His children were + reduced from rich silks to doily stuffs, his servants in rags and + barefooted; instead of good victuals they now lived upon neck beef and + bullock's liver. In short, nobody got much by the matter but the men of + law. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0007" id="link2HCH0007"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VII. How John Bull was so mightily pleased with his success that + he was going to leave off his trade and turn Lawyer. + </h2> + <p> + It is wisely observed by a great philosopher that habit is a second + nature. This was verified in the case of John Bull, who, from an honest + and plain tradesman, had got such a haunt about the Courts of Justice, and + such a jargon of law words, that he concluded himself as able a lawyer as + any that pleaded at the bar or sat on the bench. He was overheard one day + talking to himself after this manner: "How capriciously does fate or + chance dispose of mankind. How seldom is that business allotted to a man + for which he is fitted by Nature. It is plain I was intended for a man of + law. How did my guardians mistake my genius in placing me, like a mean + slave, behind a counter? Bless me! what immense estates these fellows + raise by the law. Besides, it is the profession of a gentleman. What a + pleasure it is to be victorious in a cause: to swagger at the bar. What a + fool am I to drudge any more in this woollen trade. For a lawyer I was + born, and a lawyer I will be; one is never too old to learn."* All this + while John had conned over such a catalogue of hard words as were enough + to conjure up the devil; these he used to babble indifferently in all + companies, especially at coffee houses, so that his neighbour tradesmen + began to shun his company as a man that was cracked. Instead of the + affairs of Blackwell Hall and price of broadcloth, wool, and baizes, he + talks of nothing but actions upon the case, returns, capias, alias capias, + demurrers, venire facias, replevins, supersedeases, certioraries, writs of + error, actions of trover and conversion, trespasses, precipes, and + dedimus. This was matter of jest to the learned in law; however Hocus and + the rest of the tribe encouraged John in his fancy, assuring him that he + had a great genius for law; that they questioned not but in time he might + raise money enough by it to reimburse him of all his charges; that if he + studied he would undoubtedly arrive to the dignity of a Lord Chief + Justice. As for the advice of honest friends and neighbours John despised + it; he looked upon them as fellows of a low genius, poor grovelling + mechanics. John reckoned it more honour to have got one favourable verdict + than to have sold a bale of broadcloth. As for Nic. Frog, to say the + truth, he was more prudent; for though he followed his lawsuit closely he + neglected not his ordinary business, but was both in court and in his shop + at the proper hours. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * The manners and sentiments of the nation at that time. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0008" id="link2HCH0008"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VIII. How John discovered that Hocus had an Intrigue with his + Wife;* and what followed thereupon. + </h2> + <p> + John had not run on a madding so long had it not been for an extravagant + wife, whom Hocus perceiving John to be fond of, was resolved to win over + to his side. It is a true saying, that the last man of the parish that + knows of his cuckoldom is himself. It was observed by all the + neighbourhood that Hocus had dealings with John's wife that were not so + much for his honour; but this was perceived by John a little too late: she + was a luxurious jade, loved splendid equipages, plays, treats and balls, + differing very much from the sober manners of her ancestors, and by no + means fit for a tradesman's wife. Hocus fed her extravagancy (what was + still more shameful) with John's own money. Everybody said that Hocus had + a month's mind to her; be that as it will, it is matter of fact, that upon + all occasions she ran out extravagantly on the praise of Hocus. When John + used to be finding fault with his bills, she used to reproach him as + ungrateful to his greatest benefactor; one that had taken so much pains in + his lawsuit, and retrieved his family from the oppression of old Lewis + Baboon. A good swinging sum of John's readiest cash went towards building + of Hocus's country house.** This affair between Hocus and Mrs. Bull was + now so open, that all the world was scandalised at it; John was not so + clod-pated, but at last he took the hint. The parson of the parish + preaching one day with more zeal than sense against adultery, Mrs. Bull + told her husband that he was a very uncivil fellow to use such coarse + language before people of condition;*** that Hocus was of the same mind, + and that they would join to have him turned out of his living for using + personal reflections. How do you mean, says John, by personal reflections? + I hope in God, wife, he did not reflect upon you? "No, thank God, my + reputation is too well established in the world to receive any hurt from + such a foul-mouthed scoundrel as he; his doctrine tends only to make + husbands tyrants, and wives slaves; must we be shut up, and husbands left + to their liberty? Very pretty indeed! a wife must never go abroad with a + Platonic to see a play or a ball; she must never stir without her husband; + nor walk in Spring Garden with a cousin. I do say, husband, and I will + stand by it, that without the innocent freedoms of life, matrimony would + be a most intolerable state; and that a wife's virtue ought to be the + result of her own reason, and not of her husband's government: for my + part, I would scorn a husband that would be jealous, if he saw a fellow + with me." All this while John's blood boiled in his veins: he was now + confirmed in all his suspicions; the hardest names, were the best words + that John gave her. Things went from better to worse, till Mrs. Bull aimed + a knife at John, though John threw a bottle at her head very brutally + indeed: and after this there was nothing but confusion; bottles, glasses, + spoons, plates, knives, forks, and dishes, flew about like dust; the + result of which was, that Mrs. Bull received a bruise in her right side of + which she died half a year after. The bruise imposthumated, and afterwards + turned to a stinking ulcer, which made everybody shy to come near her, yet + she wanted not the help of many able physicians, who attended very + diligently, and did what men of skill could do; but all to no purpose, for + her condition was now quite desperate, all regular physicians and her + nearest relations having given her over.**** + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * The opinion at that time of the General's tampering with + the Parliament. + + ** Blenheim Palace. + + *** The story of Dr. Sacheverel, and the resentment of the + House of Commons. + + **** The opinion of the Tories about that House of Commons. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0009" id="link2HCH0009"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER IX. How some Quacks undertook to cure Mrs. Bull of her ulcer.* + </h2> + <p> + There is nothing so impossible in Nature but mountebanks will undertake; + nothing so incredible but they will affirm: Mrs. Bull's condition was + looked upon as desperate by all the men of art; but there were those that + bragged they had an infallible ointment and plaister, which being applied + to the sore, would cure it in a few days; at the same time they would give + her a pill that would purge off all her bad humours, sweeten her blood, + and rectify her disturbed imagination. In spite of all applications the + patient grew worse every day; she stunk so, nobody durst come within a + stone's throw of her, except those quacks who attended her close, and + apprehended no danger. If one asked them how Mrs. Bull did? Better and + better, said they; the parts heal, and her constitution mends: if she + submits to our government she will be abroad in a little time. Nay, it is + reported that they wrote to her friends in the country that she should + dance a jig next October in Westminster Hall, and that her illness had + been chiefly owing to bad physicians. At last, one of them was sent for in + great haste, his patient grew worse and worse: when he came, he affirmed + that it was a gross mistake, and that she was never in a fairer way. Bring + hither the salve, says he, and give her a plentiful draught of my cordial. + As he was applying his ointments, and administering the cordial, the + patient gave up the ghost, to the great confusion of the quack, and the + great joy of Bull and his friends. The quack flung away out of the house + in great disorder, and swore there was foul play, for he was sure his + medicines were infallible. Mrs. Bull having died without any signs of + repentance or devotion, the clergy would hardly allow her a Christian + burial. The relations had once resolved to sue John for the murder, but + considering better of it, and that such a trial would rip up old sores, + and discover things not so much to the reputation of the deceased, they + dropped their design. She left no will, only there was found in her strong + box the following words written on a scrip of paper—"My curse on + John Bull, and all my posterity, if ever they come to any composition with + the Lord Strutt." + </p> + <p> + She left him three daughters, whose names were Polemia, Discordia, and + Usuria.** + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Endeavours and hopes of some people to hinder the + dissolution of that Parliament. + + ** War, faction, and usury. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0010" id="link2HCH0010"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER X. Of John Bull's second Wife, and the good Advice that she gave + him.* + </h2> + <p> + John quickly got the better of his grief, and, seeing that neither his + constitution nor the affairs of his family, could permit him to live in an + unmarried state, he resolved to get him another wife; a cousin of his last + wife's was proposed, but John would have no more of the breed. In short, + he wedded a sober country gentlewoman, of a good family and a plentiful + fortune, the reverse of the other in her temper; not but that she loved + money, for she was saving, and applied her fortune to pay John's clamorous + debts, that the unfrugal method of his last wife, and this ruinous + lawsuit, had brought him into. One day, as she had got her husband in a + good humour, she talked to him after the following manner:—"My dear, + since I have been your wife, I have observed great abuses and disorders in + your family: your servants are mutinous and quarrelsome, and cheat you + most abominably; your cookmaid is in a combination with your butcher, + poulterer, and fishmonger; your butler purloins your liquor, and the + brewer sells you hogwash; your baker cheats both in weight and in tale; + even your milkwoman and your nursery-maid have a fellow feeling; your + tailor, instead of shreds, cabbages whole yards of cloth; besides, leaving + such long scores, and not going to market with ready money forces us to + take bad ware of the tradesmen at their own price. You have not posted + your books these ten years. How is it possible for a man of business to + keep his affairs even in the world at this rate? Pray God this Hocus be + honest; would to God you would look over his bills, and see how matters + stand between Frog and you. Prodigious sums are spent in this lawsuit, and + more must be borrowed of scriveners and usurers at heavy interest. + Besides, my dear, let me beg of you to lay aside that wild project of + leaving your business to turn lawyer, for which, let me tell you, Nature + never designed you. Believe me, these rogues do but flatter, that they may + pick your pocket; observe what a parcel of hungry ragged fellows live by + your cause; to be sure they will never make an end of it. I foresee this + haunt you have got about the courts will one day or another bring your + family to beggary. Consider, my dear, how indecent it is to abandon your + shop and follow pettifoggers; the habit is so strong upon you, that there + is hardly a plea between two country esquires, about a barren acre upon a + common, but you draw yourself in as bail, surety, or solicitor." John + heard her all this while with patience, till she pricked his maggot, and + touched him in the tender point. Then he broke out into a violent passion: + "What, I not fit for a lawyer? let me tell you, my clod-pated relations + spoiled the greatest genius in the world when they bred me a mechanic. + Lord Strutt, and his old rogue of a grandsire, have found to their cost + that I can manage a lawsuit as well as another." "I don't deny what you + say," replied Mrs. Bull, "nor do I call in question your parts; but, I + say, it does not suit with your circumstances; you and your predecessors + have lived in good reputation among your neighbours by this same + clothing-trade, and it were madness to leave it off. Besides, there are + few that know all the tricks and cheats of these lawyers. Does not your + own experience teach you how they have drawn you on from one term to + another, and how you have danced the round of all the courts, still + flattering you with a final issue; and, for aught I can see, your cause is + not a bit clearer than it was seven years ago." "I will be hanged," says + John, "if I accept of any composition from Strutt or his grandfather; I'll + rather wheel about the streets an engine to grind knives and scissors. + However, I'll take your advice, and look over my accounts." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * A new Parliament: the aversion of a Tory House of Commons + to war. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0011" id="link2HCH0011"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XI. How John looked over his Attorney's Bill.* + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Looking over the accounts. +</pre> + <p> + When John first brought out the bills, the surprise of all the family was + unexpressible at the prodigious dimensions of them; they would have + measured with the best bale of cloth in John's shop. Fees to judges, puny + judges, clerks, prothonotaries, philisers, chirographers, under-clerks, + proclamators, counsel, witnesses, jurymen, marshals, tipstaffs, criers, + porters; for enrollings, exemplifications, bails, vouchers, returns, + caveats, examinations, filings of words, entries, declarations, + replications, recordats, nolle prosequies, certioraries, mittimuses, + demurrers, special verdicts, informations, scire facias, supersedeas, + habeas corpus, coach-hire, treating of witnesses, etc. "Verily," says + John, "there are a prodigious number of learned words in this law; what a + pretty science it is!" "Ay but, husband, you have paid for every syllable + and letter of these fine words. Bless me, what immense sums are at the + bottom of the account!" John spent several weeks in looking over his + bills, and, by comparing and stating his accounts, he discovered that, + besides the extravagance of every article, he had been egregiously + cheated; that he had paid for counsel that were never fee'd, for writs + that were never drawn, for dinners that were never dressed, and journeys + that were never made; in short, that the tradesmen, lawyers, and Frog had + agreed to throw the burden of the lawsuit upon his shoulders. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0012" id="link2HCH0012"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XII. How John grew angry, and resolved to accept a Composition; + and what Methods were practised by the Lawyers for keeping him from it.* + </h2> + <p> + Well might the learned Daniel Burgess say, "That a lawsuit is a suit for + life. He that sows his grain upon marble will have many a hungry belly + before harvest." This John felt by woeful experience. John's cause was a + good milch cow, and many a man subsisted his family out of it. However, + John began to think it high time to look about him. He had a cousin in the + country, one Sir Roger Bold, whose predecessors had been bred up to the + law, and knew as much of it as anybody; but having left off the profession + for some time, they took great pleasure in compounding lawsuits among + their neighbours, for which they were the aversion of the gentlemen of the + long robe, and at perpetual war with all the country attorneys. John put + his cause in Sir Roger's hands, desiring him to make the best of it. The + news had no sooner reached the ears of the lawyers, but they were all in + an uproar. They brought all the rest of the tradesmen upon John.** Squire + South swore he was betrayed, that he would starve before he compounded; + Frog said he was highly wronged; even lying Ned the chimney-sweeper and + Tom the dustman complained that their interest was sacrificed; the + lawyers, solicitors, Hocus and his clerks, were all up in arms at the news + of the composition: they abused him and his wife most shamefully. "You + silly, awkward, ill-bred country sow," quoth one, "have you no more + manners than to rail at Hocus that has saved that clod-pated numskulled + ninny-hammer of yours from ruin, and all his family? It is well known how + he has rose early and sat up late to make him easy, when he was sotting at + every alehouse in town. I knew his last wife: she was a woman of breeding, + good humour, and complaisance—knew how to live in the world. As for + you, you look like a puppet moved by clockwork; your clothes hang upon you + as they were upon tenter-hooks; and you come into a room as you were going + to steal away a pint pot. Get you gone in the country, to look after your + mother's poultry, to milk the cows, churn the butter, and dress up + nosegays for a holiday, and not meddle with matters which you know no more + of than the sign-post before your door. It is well known that Hocus has an + established reputation; he never swore an oath, nor told a lie, in all his + life; he is grateful to his benefactors, faithful to his friends, liberal + to his dependents, and dutiful to his superiors; he values not your money + more than the dust under his feet, but he hates to be abused. Once for + all, Mrs. Minx, leave off talking of Hocus, or I will pull out these + saucer-eyes of yours, and make that redstreak country face look as raw as + an ox-cheek upon a butcher's-stall; remember, I say, that there are + pillories and ducking-stools."*** With this away they flung, leaving Mrs. + Bull no time to reply. No stone was left unturned to frighten John from + his composition. Sometimes they spread reports at coffee-houses that John + and his wife were run mad; that they intended to give up house, and make + over all their estate to Lewis Baboon; that John had been often heard + talking to himself, and seen in the streets without shoes or stockings; + that he did nothing from morning till night but beat his servants, after + having been the best master alive. As for his wife, she was a mere + natural. Sometimes John's house was beset with a whole regiment of + attornies' clerks, bailiffs, and bailiffs' followers, and other small + retainers of the law, who threw stones at his windows, and dirt at himself + as he went along the street. When John complained of want of ready-money + to carry on his suit, they advised him to pawn his plate and jewels, and + that Mrs. Bull should sell her linen and wearing clothes. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Talk of peace, and the struggle of the party against it. + + ** The endeavours made use of to stop the Treaty of Peace. + + *** Reflections upon the House of Commons as ignorant, who + know nothing of business. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0013" id="link2HCH0013"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XIII. Mrs. Bull's vindication of the indispensable duty incumbent + upon Wives in case of the Tyranny, Infidelity, or Insufficiency of + Husbands; + </h2> + <p> + being a full Answer to the Doctor's Sermon against Adultery.* + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * The Tories' representation of the speeches at Sacheverel's + trial. +</pre> + <p> + John found daily fresh proofs of the infidelity and bad designs of his + deceased wife; amongst other things, one day looking over his cabinet, he + found the following paper:— + </p> + <p> + "It is evident that matrimony is founded upon an original contract, + whereby the wife makes over the right she has by the law of Nature in + favour of the husband, by which he acquires the property of all her + posterity. But, then, the obligation is mutual; and where the contract is + broken on one side it ceases to bind on the other. Where there is a right + there must be a power to maintain it and to punish the offending party. + This power I affirm to be that original right, or rather that + indispensable duty lodged in all wives in the cases above mentioned. No + wife is bound by any law to which herself has not consented. All + economical government is lodged originally in the husband and wife, the + executive part being in the husband; both have their privileges secured to + them by law and reason; but will any man infer from the husband being + invested with the executive power, that the wife is deprived of her share, + and that she has no remedy left but preces and lacrymae, or an appeal to a + supreme court of judicature? No less frivolous are the arrangements that + are drawn from the general appellations and terms of husband and wife. A + husband denotes several different sorts of magistracy, according to the + usages and customs of different climates and countries. In some eastern + nations it signifies a tyrant, with the absolute power of life and death. + In Turkey it denotes an arbitrary governor, with power of perpetual + imprisonment; in Italy it gives the husband the power of poison and + padlocks; in the countries of England, France, and Holland, it has a quite + different meaning, implying a free and equal government, securing to the + wife in certain cases the liberty of change, and the property of pin-money + and separate maintenance. So that the arguments drawn from the terms of + husband and wife are fallacious, and by no means fit to support a + tyrannical doctrine, as that of absolute unlimited chastity and conjugal + fidelity. + </p> + <p> + "The general exhortations to fidelity in wives are meant only for rules in + ordinary cases, but they naturally suppose three conditions of ability, + justice, and fidelity in the husband; such an unlimited, unconditioned + fidelity in the wife could never be supposed by reasonable men. It seems a + reflection upon the Church to charge her with doctrines that countenance + oppression. + </p> + <p> + "This doctrine of the original right of change is congruous to the law of + Nature, which is superior to all human laws, and for that I dare appeal to + all wives: It is much to the honour of our English wives that they have + never given up that fundamental point, and that though in former ages they + were muffled up in darkness and superstition, yet that notion seemed + engraven on their minds, and the impression so strong that nothing could + impair it. + </p> + <p> + "To assert the illegality of change, upon any pretence whatsoever, were to + cast odious colours upon the married state, to blacken the necessary means + of perpetuating families—such laws can never be supposed to have + been designed to defeat the very end of matrimony. I call them necessary + means, for in many cases what other means are left? Such a doctrine wounds + the honour of families, unsettles the titles to kingdoms, honours, and + estates; for if the actions from which such settlements spring were + illegal, all that is built upon them must be so too; but the last is + absurd, therefore the first must be so likewise. What is the cause that + Europe groans at present under the heavy load of a cruel and expensive + war, but the tyrannical custom of a certain nation, and the scrupulous + nicety of a silly queen in not exercising this indispensable duty, whereby + the kingdom might have had an heir, and a controverted succession might + have been avoided. These are the effects of the narrow maxims of your + clergy, 'That one must not do evil that good may come of it.' + </p> + <p> + "The assertors of this indefeasible right, and jus divinum of matrimony, + do all in their hearts favour the pretenders to married women; for if the + true legal foundation of the married state be once sapped, and instead + thereof tyrannical maxims introduced, what must follow but elopements + instead of secret and peaceable change? + </p> + <p> + "From all that has been said, one may clearly perceive the absurdity of + the doctrine of this seditious, discontented, hot-headed, ungifted, + unedifying preacher, asserting 'that the grand security of the matrimonial + state, and the pillar upon which it stands, is founded upon the wife's + belief of an absolute unconditional fidelity to the husband;' by which + bold assertion he strikes at the root, digs the foundation, and removes + the basis upon which the happiness of a married state is built. As for his + personal reflections, I would gladly know who are those 'wanton wives' he + speaks of? who are those ladies of high stations that he so boldly + traduces in his sermon? It is pretty plain who these aspersions are aimed + at, for which he deserves the pillory, or something worse. + </p> + <p> + "In confirmation of this doctrine of the indispensable duty of change, I + could bring the example of the wisest wives in all ages, who by these + means have preserved their husband's families from ruin and oblivion by + want of posterity; but what has been said is a sufficient ground for + punishing this pragmatical parson." + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0014" id="link2HCH0014"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XIV. The two great Parties of Wives, the Devotos and the Hitts.* + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + *Those who were for and against the doctrine of + nonresistance. +</pre> + <p> + The doctrine of unlimited fidelity in wives was universally espoused by + all husbands, who went about the country and made the wives sign papers + signifying their utter detestation and abhorrence of Mrs. Bull's wicked + doctrine of the indispensable duty of change. Some yielded, others refused + to part with their native liberty, which gave rise to two great parties + amongst the wives, the Devotos and the Hitts. Though, it must be owned, + the distinction was more nominal than real; for the Devotos would abuse + freedoms sometimes, and those who were distinguished by the name of Hitts + were often very honest. At the same time there was an ingenious treatise + came out with the title of "Good Advice to Husbands," in which they are + counselled not to trust too much to their wives owning the doctrine of + unlimited conjugal fidelity, and so to neglect a due watchfulness over the + manners of their wives; that the greatest security to husbands was a good + usage of their wives and keeping them from temptation, many husbands + having been sufferers by their trusting too much to general professions, + as was exemplified in the case of a foolish and negligent husband, who, + trusting to the efficacy of this principle, was undone by his wife's + elopement from him. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0015" id="link2HCH0015"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XV. An Account of the Conference between Mrs. Bull and Don Diego.* + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * A Tory nobleman who, by his influence upon the House of + Commons, endeavoured to stop the Treaty. +</pre> + <p> + The lawyers, as their last effort to put off the composition, sent Don + Diego to John. Don Diego was a very worthy gentleman, a friend to John, + his mother, and present wife, and, therefore, supposed to have some + influence over her. He had been ill used himself by John's lawyers, but + because of some animosity to Sir Roger was against the composition. The + conference between him and Mrs. Bull was word for word as follows:— + </p> + <p> + DON DIEGO.—Is it possible, cousin Bull, that you can forget the + honourable maxims of the family you are come of, and break your word with + three of the honestest, best-meaning persons in the world—Esquires + South, Frog, and Hocus—that have sacrificed their interests to + yours? It is base to take advantage of their simplicity and credulity, and + leave them in the lurch at last. + </p> + <p> + MRS. BULL—I am sure they have left my family in a bad condition, we + have hardly money to go to market; and nobody will take our words for + sixpence. A very fine spark this Esquire South! My husband took him in, a + dirty boy. It was the business of half the servants to attend him.* The + rogue did bawl and make such a noise: sometimes he fell in the fire and + burnt his face, sometimes broke his shins clambering over the benches, and + always came in so dirty, as if he had been dragged through the kennel at a + boarding-school. He lost his money at chuck-farthing, shuffle-cap, and + all-fours; sold his books, pawned his linen, which we were always forced + to redeem. Then the whole generation of him are so in love with bagpipes + and puppet-shows! I wish you knew what my husband has paid at the + pastry-cook's and confectioner's for Naples biscuits, tarts, custards, and + sweetmeats. All this while my husband considered him as a gentleman of a + good family that had fallen into decay, gave him good education, and has + settled him in a good creditable way of living—having procured him, + by his interest, one of the best places of the country. And what return, + think you, does this fine gentleman make us? he will hardly give me or my + husband a good word, or a civil expression. Instead of Sir and Madam + (which, though I say it, is our due), he calls us "goody" and "gaffer" + such-a-one; says he did us a great deal of honour to board with us; huffs + and dings at such a rate, because we will not spend the little we have + left to get him the title and estate of Lord Strutt; and then forsooth, we + shall have the honour to be his woollen-drapers.** Besides, Esquire South + will be Esquire South still; fickle, proud, and ungrateful. If he behaves + himself so when he depends on us for his daily bread, can any man say what + he will do when he is got above the world? + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Something relating to the manners of a great prince, + superstition, love of operas, shows, etc. + + ** Something relating to forms and titles. +</pre> + <p> + D. DIEGO.—And would you lose the honour of so noble and generous an + undertaking? Would you rather accept this scandalous composition, and + trust that old rogue, Lewis Baboon? + </p> + <p> + MRS. BULL.—Look you, Friend Diego, if we law it on till Lewis turns + honest, I am afraid our credit will run low at Blackwell Hall. I wish + every man had his own; but I still say, that Lord Strutt's money shines as + bright and chinks as well as Esquire South's. I don't know any other hold + that we tradesmen have of these great folks but their interest: buy dear + and sell cheap, and I warrant ye you will keep your customer. The worst + is, that Lord Strutt's servants have got such a haunt about that old + rogue's shop, that it will cost us many a firkin of strong beer to bring + them back again; and the longer they are in a bad road, the harder it will + be to get them out of it. + </p> + <p> + D. DIEGO.—But poor Frog, what has he done! On my conscience, if + there be an honest, sincere man in the world, it is that Frog. + </p> + <p> + MRS. BULL.—I think I need not tell you how much Frog has been + obliged to our family from his childhood; he carries his head high now, + but he had never been the man he is without our help.* Ever since the + commencement of this lawsuit, it has been the business of Hocus, in + sharing out expenses, to plead for Frog. "Poor Frog," says he, "is in hard + circumstances, he has a numerous family, and lives from hand to mouth; his + children don't eat a bit of good victuals from one year's end to the + other, but live upon salt herring, sour curd, and borecole. He does his + utmost, poor fellow, to keep things even in the world, and has exerted + himself beyond his ability in this lawsuit; but he really has not + wherewithal to go on. What signifies this hundred pounds? place it upon + your side of the account; it is a great deal to poor Frog, and a trifle to + you." This has been Hocus's constant language, and I am sure he has had + obligations enough to us to have acted another part. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Complaints of the House of Commons of the unequal burden + of the war. +</pre> + <p> + D. DIEGO.—No doubt Hocus meant all this for the best, but he is a + tender-hearted, charitable man; Frog is indeed in hard circumstances. + </p> + <p> + MRS. BULL—Hard circumstances! I swear this is provoking to the last + degree. All the time of the lawsuit, as fast as I have mortgaged, Frog has + purchased: from a plain tradesman, with a shop, warehouse, and a country + hut with a dirty fish-pond at the end of it, he is now grown a very rich + country gentleman, with a noble landed estate, noble palaces, manors, + parks, gardens, and farms, finer than any we were ever master of.* Is it + not strange, when my husband disbursed great sums every term, Frog should + be purchasing some new farm or manor? so that if this lawsuit lasts, he + will be far the richest man in his country. What is worse than all this, + he steals away my customers every day; twelve of the richest and the best + have left my shop by his persuasion, and whom, to my certain knowledge, he + has under bonds never to return again: judge you if this be neighbourly + dealing. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * The Dutch acquisitions in Flanders. +</pre> + <p> + D. DIEGO—Frog is indeed pretty close in his dealings, but very + honest: you are so touchy, and take things so hotly, I am sure there must + be some mistake in this. + </p> + <p> + MRS. BULL—A plaguy one indeed! You know, and have often told me of + it, how Hocus and those rogues kept my husband, John Bull, drunk for five + years together with punch and strong waters: I am sure he never went one + night sober to bed, till they got him to sign the strangest deed that ever + you saw in your life. The methods they took to manage him I'll tell you + another time; at present I'll read only the writing. + </p> + <p> + Articles of Agreement betwixt JOHN BULL, Clothier, and NICHOLAS FROG, + Linen-draper.* + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * The sentiments of the House of Commons, and their + representation of the Barrier Treaty. +</pre> + <p> + I. That for maintaining the ancient good correspondence and friendship + between the said parties, I, Nicholas Frog, do solemnly engage and promise + to keep peace in John Bull's family; that neither his wife, children, nor + servants, give him any trouble, disturbance, or molestation whatsoever, + but to oblige them all to do their duty quietly in their respective + stations. And whereas the said John Bull, from the assured confidence that + he has in my friendship, has appointed me executor of his last will and + testament, and guardian to his children, I do undertake for me, my heirs + and assigns, to see the same duly executed and performed, and that it + shall be unalterable in all its parts by John Bull, or anybody else: for + that purpose it shall be lawful and allowable for me to enter his house at + any hour of the day or night, to break open bars, bolts, and doors, chests + of drawers, and strong boxes, in order to secure the peace of my friend + John Bull's family, and to see his will duly executed. + </p> + <p> + II. In consideration of which kind neighbourly office of Nicholas Frog, in + that he has been pleased to accept of the aforesaid trust, I, John Bull, + having duly considered that my friend, Nicholas Frog, at this time lives + in a marshy soil and unwholesome air, infested with fogs and damps, + destructive of the health of himself, wife, and children, do bind and + oblige me, my heirs and assigns, to purchase for the said Nicholas Frog, + with the best and readiest of my cash, bonds, mortgages, goods and + chattels, a landed estate, with parks, gardens, palaces, rivers, fields, + and outlets, consisting of as large extent as the said Nicholas Frog shall + think fit. And whereas the said Nicholas Frog is at present hemmed in too + close by the grounds of Lewis Baboon, master of the science of defence, I, + the said John Bull, do oblige myself with the readiest of my cash, to + purchase and enclose the said grounds, for as many fields and acres as the + said Nicholas shall think fit; to the intent that the said Nicholas may + have free egress and regress, without let or molestation, suitable to the + demands of himself and family. + </p> + <p> + III. Furthermore, the said John Bull obliges himself to make the country + neighbours of Nicholas Frog allot a certain part of yearly rents, to pay + for the repairs of the said landed estate, to the intent that his good + friend, Nicholas Frog, may be eased of all charges. + </p> + <p> + IV. And whereas the said Nicholas Frog did contract with the deceased Lord + Strutt about certain liberties, privileges, and immunities, formerly in + the possession of the said John Bull, I, the said John Bull, do freely by + these presents, renounce, quit, and make over to the said Nicholas, the + liberties, privileges, and immunities contracted for, in as full a manner, + as if they never had belonged to me. + </p> + <p> + V. The said John Bull obliges himself, his heirs and assigns, not to sell + one rag of broad or coarse cloth to any gentleman within the neighbourhood + of the said Nicholas, except in such quantities and such rates as the said + Nicholas shall think fit. + </p> + <p> + Signed and sealed, + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL, NIC. FROG. + </p> + <p> + The reading of this paper put Mrs. Bull in such a passion that she fell + downright into a fit, and they were forced to give her a good quantity of + the spirit of hartshorn before she recovered. + </p> + <p> + D. DIEGO—Why in such a passion, cousin? considering your + circumstances at that time, I don't think this such an unreasonable + contract. You see Frog, for all this, is religiously true to his bargain; + he scorns to hearken to any composition without your privacy. + </p> + <p> + MRS. BULL.—You know the contrary.* Read that letter. + </p> + <p> + [Reads the superscription.] For Lewis Baboon, Master of the Noble Science + of Defence. + </p> + <p> + "SIR.—I understand that you are at this time treating with my friend + John Bull, about restoring the Lord Strutt's custom, and besides allowing + him certain privileges of parks and fish-ponds; I wonder how you that are + a man that knows the world, can talk with that simple fellow. He has been + my bubble these twenty years, and to my certain knowledge, understands no + more of his own affairs than a child in swaddling clothes. I know he has + got a sort of a pragmatical silly jade of a wife, that pretends to take + him out of my hands; but you and she both will find yourselves mistaken; + I'll find those that shall manage her; and for him, he dares as well be + hanged as make one step in his affairs without my consent. If you will + give me what you promised him, I will make all things easy, and stop the + deeds of ejectment against Lord Strutt: if you will not, take what + follows. I shall have a good action against you, for pretending to rob me + of my bubble. Take this warning from + </p> + <p> + "Your loving friend, + </p> + <p> + "NIC. FROG." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Secret negotiations of the Dutch at that time. +</pre> + <p> + I am told, cousin Diego, you are one of those that have undertaken to + manage me, and that you have said you will carry a green bag yourself, + rather than we shall make an end of our lawsuit: I'll teach them and you + too to manage. + </p> + <p> + D. DIEGO.—For God's sake, madam, why so choleric? I say this letter + is some forgery; it never entered into the head of that honest man, Nic. + Frog, to do any such thing. + </p> + <p> + MRS. BULL.—I can't abide you. You have been railing these twenty + years at Squire South, Frog, and Hocus, calling them rogues and + pickpockets, and now they are turned the honestest fellows in the world. + What is the meaning of all this? + </p> + <p> + D. DIEGO.—Pray tell me how you came to employ this Sir Roger in your + affairs, and not think of your old friend Diego? + </p> + <p> + MRS. BULL.—So, so, there it pinches. To tell you truth, I have + employed Sir Roger in several weighty affairs, and have found him trusty + and honest, and the poor man always scorned to take a farthing of me. I + have abundance that profess great zeal, but they are damnable greedy of + the pence. My husband and I are now in such circumstances, that we must be + served upon cheaper terms than we have been. + </p> + <p> + D. DIEGO.—Well, cousin, I find I can do no good with you; I am sorry + that you will ruin yourself by trusting this Sir Roger. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0016" id="link2HCH0016"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XVI. How the guardians of the deceased Mrs. Bull's three daughters + came to John, and what advice they gave him; wherein is briefly treated + the characters of the three daughters. Also John Bull's answer to the + three guardians.* + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Concerns of the party, and speeches for carrying on the + war, etc. Sentiments of the Tories and House of Commons + against continuing the war for setting King Charles upon the + throne of Spain. +</pre> + <p> + I told you in a former chapter that Mrs. Bull, before she departed this + life, had blessed John with three daughters. I need not here repeat their + names, neither would I willingly use any scandalous reflections upon young + ladies, whose reputations ought to be very tenderly handled; but the + characters of these were so well known in the neighbourhood, that it is + doing them no injury to make a short description of them. + </p> + <p> + The eldest* was a termagant, imperious, prodigal, lewd, profligate wench, + as ever breathed; she used to rantipole about the house, pinch the + children, kick the servants, and torture the cats and the dogs; she would + rob her father's strong box, for money to give the young fellows that she + was fond of. She had a noble air, and something great in her mien, but + such a noisome infectious breath, as threw all the servants that dressed + her into consumptions; if she smelt to the freshest nosegay, it would + shrivel and wither as it had been blighted: she used to come home in her + cups, and break the china, and the looking-glasses; and was of such an + irregular temper, and so entirely given up to her passion, that you might + argue as well with the North wind, as with her ladyship: so expensive, + that the income of three dukedoms was not enough to supply her + extravagance. Hocus loved her best, believing her to be his own, got upon + the body of Mrs. Bull. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Polemia. +</pre> + <p> + The second daughter,* born a year after her sister, was a peevish, + froward, ill-conditioned creature as ever was, ugly as the devil, lean, + haggard, pale, with saucer eyes, a sharp nose, and hunched backed; but + active, sprightly, and diligent about her affairs. Her ill complexion was + occasioned by her bad diet, which was coffee** morning, noon, and night. + She never rested quietly a-bed, but used to disturb the whole family with + shrieking out in her dreams, and plague them next day with interpreting + them, for she took them all for gospel; she would cry out "Murder!" and + disturb the whole neighbourhood; and when John came running downstairs to + inquire what the matter was, nothing forsooth, only her maid had stuck a + pin wrong in her gown; she turned away one servant for putting too much + oil in her salad, and another for putting too little salt in her + water-gruel; but such as by flattery had procured her esteem, she would + indulge in the greatest crime. Her father had two coachmen; when one was + in the coach-box, if the coach swung but the least to one side, she used + to shriek so loud, that all the street concluded she was overturned; but + though the other was eternally drunk, and had overturned the whole family, + she was very angry with her father for turning him away. Then she used to + carry tales and stories from one to another, till she had set the whole + neighbourhood together by the ears; and this was the only diversion she + took pleasure in. She never went abroad, but she brought home such a + bundle of monstrous lies, as would have amazed any mortal, but such as + know her: of a whale that had swallowed a fleet of ships; of the lions + being let out of the Tower, to destroy the Protestant religion; of the + Pope's being seen in a brandy-shop at Wapping; and a prodigious strong man + that was going to shove down the cupola of St. Paul's; of three millions + of five pound pieces that Squire South had found under an old wall; of + blazing stars, flying dragons, and abundance of such stuff. All the + servants in the family made high court to her, for she domineered there, + and turned out and in whom she pleased; only there was an old grudge + between her and Sir Roger, whom she mortally hated and used to hire + fellows to squirt kennel water upon him as he passed along the streets; so + that he was forced constantly to wear a surtout of oiled cloth, by which + means he came home pretty clean, except where the surtout was a little + scanty. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Discordia. + + ** Coffee-house tattle. +</pre> + <p> + As for the third* she was a thief and a common mercenary. She had no + respect of persons: a prince or a porter was all one, according as they + paid; yea, she would leave the finest gentleman in the world to go to an + ugly fellow for sixpence more. In the practice of her profession she had + amassed vast magazines of all sorts of things: she had above five hundred + suits of fine clothes, and yet went abroad like a cinder wench. She robbed + and starved all the servants, so that nobody could live near her. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Usuria. +</pre> + <p> + So much for John's three daughters, which you will say were rarities to be + fond of. Yet Nature will shew itself. Nobody could blame their relations + for taking care of them, and therefore it was that Hocus, with two other + of the guardians, thought it their duty to take care of the interest of + the three girls and give John their best advice before he compounded the + lawsuit. + </p> + <p> + HOCUS.—What makes you so shy of late, my good friend? There's nobody + loves you better than I, nor has taken more pains in your affairs. As I + hope to be saved I would do anything to serve you; I would crawl upon all + fours to serve you; I have spent my health and paternal estate in your + service. I have, indeed, a small pittance left, with which I might retire, + and with as good a conscience as any man; but the thoughts of this + disgraceful composition so touches me to the quick that I cannot sleep. + After I had brought the cause to the last stroke, that one verdict more + had quite ruined old Lewis and Lord Strutt, and put you in the quiet + possession of everything—then to compound! I cannot bear it. This + cause was my favourite; I had set my heart upon it; it is like an only + child; I cannot endure it should miscarry. For God's sake consider only to + what a dismal condition old Lewis is brought. He is at an end of all his + cash; his attorneys have hardly one trick left; they are at an end of all + their chicane; besides, he has both his law and his daily bread now upon + trust. Hold out only one term longer, and I'll warrant you before the next + we shall have him in the Fleet. I'll bring him to the pillory; his ears + shall pay for his perjuries. For the love of God don't compound. Let me be + damned if you have a friend in the world that loves you better than I. + There is nobody can say I am covetous or that I have any interests to + pursue but yours. + </p> + <p> + SECOND GUARDIAN.—There is nothing so plain as that this Lewis has a + design to ruin all his neighbouring tradesmen, and at this time he has + such a prodigious income by his trade of all kinds, that, if there is not + some stop put to his exorbitant riches, he will monopolise everything; + nobody will be able to sell a yard of drapery or mercery ware but himself. + I then hold it advisable that you continue the lawsuit and burst him at + once. My concern for the three poor motherless children obliges me to give + you this advice; for their estates, poor girls, depend upon the success of + this cause. + </p> + <p> + THIRD GUARDIAN.—I own this Writ of Ejectment has cost dear, but then + consider it is a jewel well worth the purchasing at the price of all you + have. None but Mr. Bull's declared enemies can say he has any other + security for his clothing trade but the ejectment of Lord Strutt. The only + question, then, that remains to be decided is: who shall stand the + expenses of the suit? To which the answer is as plain: who but he that is + to have the advantage of the sentence? When Esquire South has got + possession of his title and honour is not John Bull to be his clothier? + Who, then, but John ought to put in possession? Ask but any indifferent + gentleman, Who ought to bear his charges at law? and he will readily + answer, His tradesmen. I do therefore affirm, and I will go to death with + it, that, being his clothier, you ought to put him in quiet possession of + his estate, and with the same generous spirit you have begun it complete + the good work. If you persist in the bad measures you are now in, what + must become of the three poor orphans! My heart bleeds for the poor girls. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—You are all very eloquent persons, but give me leave to + tell you you express a great deal more concern for the three girls than + for me. I think my interest ought to be considered in the first place. As + for you, Hocus, I can't but say you have managed my lawsuit with great + address and much to my honour, and, though I say it, you have been well + paid for it. Why must the burden be taken off Frog's back and laid upon my + shoulders? He can drive about his own parks and fields in his gilt + chariot, when I have been forced to mortgage my estate; his note will go + farther than my bond. Is it not matter of fact, that from the richest + tradesman in all the country, I am reduced to beg and borrow from + scriveners and usurers that suck the heart, blood, and guts out of me, and + what is all this for! Did you like Frog's countenance better than mine? + Was not I your old friend and relation? Have I not presented you nobly? + Have I not clad your whole family? Have you not had a hundred yards at a + time of the finest cloth in my shop? Why must the rest of the tradesmen be + not only indemnified from charges, but forbid to go on with their own + business, and what is more their concern than mine? As to holding out this + term I appeal to your own conscience, has not that been your constant + discourse these six years, "One term more and old Lewis goes to pot?" If + thou art so fond of my cause be generous for once, and lend me a brace of + thousands. Ah, Hocus! Hocus! I know thee: not a sous to save me from jail, + I trow. Look ye, gentlemen, I have lived with credit in the world, and it + grieves my heart never to stir out of my doors but to be pulled by the + sleeve by some rascally dun or other. "Sir, remember my bill. There's a + small concern of a thousand pounds; I hope you think on't, sir." And to + have these usurers transact my debts at coffee-houses and ale-houses, as + if I were going to break up shop. Lord! that ever the rich, the generous + John Bull, clothier, the envy of all his neighbours, should be brought to + compound his debts for five shillings in the pound, and to have his name + in an advertisement for a statute of bankrupt. The thought of it makes me + mad. I have read somewhere in the Apocrypha, "That one should not consult + with a woman touching her of whom she is jealous; nor with a merchant + concerning exchange; nor with a buyer, of selling; nor with an unmerciful + man, of kindness, etc." I could have added one thing more: nor with an + attorney about compounding a lawsuit. The ejectment of Lord Strutt will + never do. The evidence is crimp: the witnesses swear backwards and + forwards, and contradict themselves; and his tenants stick by him. One + tells me that I must carry on my suit, because Lewis is poor; another, + because he is still too rich: whom shall I believe? I am sure of one + thing, that a penny in the purse is the best friend John can have at last, + and who can say that this will be the last suit I shall be engaged in? + Besides, if this ejectment were practicable is it reasonable that, when + Esquire South is losing his money to sharpers and pickpockets, going about + the country with fiddlers and buffoons, and squandering his income with + hawks and dogs, I should lay out the fruits of my honest industry in a + lawsuit for him, only upon the hopes of being his clothier? And when the + cause is over I shall not have the benefit of my project for want of money + to go to market. Look ye, gentlemen, John Bull is but a plain man, but + John Bull knows when he is ill used. I know the infirmity of our family: + we are apt to play the boon-companion and throw away our money in our + cups. But it was an unfair thing in you, gentlemen, to take advantage of + my weakness, to keep a parcel of roaring bullies about me day and night, + with huzzas and hunting horns, and ringing the changes on butcher's + cleavers; never let me cool, and make me set my hand to papers when I + could hardly hold my pen. There will come a day of reckoning for all that + proceeding. In the meantime, gentlemen, I beg you will let me into my + affairs a little, and that you would not grudge me the small remainder of + a very great estate. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0017" id="link2HCH0017"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XVII. Esquire South's Message and Letter to Mrs. Bull.* + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Complaints of the deficiencies of the House of Austria, + Prince Eugene's journey and message. +</pre> + <p> + The arguments used by Hocus and the rest of the guardians had hitherto + proved insufficient. John and his wife could not be persuaded to bear the + expense of Esquire South's lawsuit. They thought it reasonable that, since + he was to have the honour and advantage, he should bear the greatest share + of the charges, and retrench what he lost to sharpers and spent upon + country dances and puppet plays to apply it to that use. This was not very + grateful to the esquire; therefore, as the last experiment, he was + resolved to send Signior Benenato, master of his foxhounds, to Mrs. Bull + to try what good he could do with her. This Signior Benenato had all the + qualities of a fine gentleman that were set to charm a lady's heart, and + if any person in the world could have persuaded her it was he. But such + was her unshaken fidelity to her husband, and the constant purpose of her + mind to pursue his interest, that the most refined arts of gallantry that + were practised could not seduce her heart. The necklaces, diamond crosses, + and rich bracelets that were offered she rejected with the utmost scorn + and disdain. The music and serenades that were given her sounded more + ungratefully in her ears than the noise of a screech owl. However, she + received Esquire South's letter by the hands of Signior Benenato with that + respect which became his quality. The copy of the letter is as follows, in + which you will observe he changes a little his usual style:— + </p> + <p> + MADAM,—The Writ of Ejectment against Philip Baboon (pretended Lord + Strutt) is just ready to pass. There want but a few necessary forms and a + verdict or two more to put me in the quiet possession of my honour and + estate. I question not but that, according to your wonted generosity and + goodness, you will give it the finishing stroke: an honour that I would + grudge anybody but yourself. In order to ease you of some part of the + charges, I promise to furnish pen, ink, and paper, provided you pay for + the stamps. Besides, I have ordered my stewards to pay out of the readiest + and best of my rents five pounds ten shillings a year till my suit is + finished. I wish you health and happiness, being with due respect, + </p> + <p> + Madam, your assured friend, + </p> + <p> + SOUTH. + </p> + <p> + What answer Mrs. Bull returned to this letter you shall know in my second + part, only they were at a pretty good distance in their proposals; for as + Esquire South only offered to be at the charges of pen, ink, and paper, + Mrs. Bull refused any more than to lend her barge* to carry his counsel to + Westminster Hall. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Sending the English Fleet to convoy the forces to + Barcelona. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2H_PART" id="link2H_PART"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + PART II. + </h2> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0022" id="link2H_4_0022"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE PUBLISHER'S PREFACE. + </h2> + <p> + The world is much indebted to the famous Sir Humphry Polesworth for his + ingenious and impartial account of John Bull's lawsuit. Yet there is just + cause of complaint against him, in that he relates it only by parcels, and + won't give us the whole work. This forces me, who am only the publisher, + to bespeak the assistance of his friends and acquaintance to engage him to + lay aside that stingey humour and gratify the curiosity of the public at + once. He pleads in excuse that they are only private memoirs, wrote for + his own use in a loose style to serve as a help to his ordinary + conversation. I represented to him the good reception the first part had + met with; that, though calculated only for the meridian of Grub Street, it + was yet taken notice of by the better sort; that the world was now + sufficiently acquainted with John Bull, and interested itself in his + concerns. He answered with a smile, that he had, indeed, some trifling + things to impart that concerned John Bull's relations and domestic + affairs. If these would satisfy me he gave me free leave to make use of + them, because they would serve to make the history of the lawsuit more + intelligible. When I had looked over the manuscript I found likewise some + further account of the composition, which, perhaps, may not be + unacceptable to such as have read the former part. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0018" id="link2HCH0018"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER I. The Character of John Bull's Mother.* + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * The Church of England. +</pre> + <p> + John had a mother whom he loved and honoured extremely, a discreet, grave, + sober, good-conditioned, cleanly old gentlewoman as ever lived. She was + none of your cross-grained, termagant, scolding jades that one had as good + be hanged as live in the house with, such as are always censuring the + conduct and telling scandalous stories of their neighbours, extolling + their own good qualities and undervaluing those of others. On the + contrary, she was of a meek spirit, and, as she was strictly virtuous + herself, so she always put the best construction upon the words and + actions of her neighbours, except where they were irreconcileable to the + rules of honesty and decency. She was neither one of your precise prudes, + nor one of your fantastical old belles that dress themselves like girls of + fifteen; as she neither wore a ruff, forehead-cloth, nor high-crowned hat, + so she had laid aside feathers, flowers, and crimpt ribbons in her + head-dress, furbelow-scarfs, and hooped-petticoats. She scorned to patch + and paint, yet she loved to keep her hands and her face clean. Though she + wore no flaunting laced ruffles, she would not keep herself in a constant + sweat with greasy flannel. Though her hair was not stuck with jewels, she + was not ashamed of a diamond cross; she was not, like some ladies, hung + about with toys and trinkets, tweezer-cases, pocket-glasses, and + essence-bottles; she used only a gold watch and an almanack to mark the + hours and the holy days. + </p> + <p> + Her furniture was neat and genteel, well fancied with a bon gout. As she + affected not the grandeur of a state with a canopy, she thought there was + no offence in an elbow-chair. She had laid aside your carving, gilding, + and Japan work as being too apt to gather dirt. But she never could be + prevailed upon to part with plain wainscot and clean hangings. There are + some ladies that affect to smell a stink in everything; they are always + highly perfumed, and continually burning frankincense in their rooms. She + was above such affectation, yet she never would lay aside the use of + brooms and scrubbing-brushes, and scrupled not to lay her linen in fresh + lavender. + </p> + <p> + She was no less genteel in her behaviour, well-bred, without affectation; + in the due mean between one of your affected, curtseying pieces of + formality and your romps that have no regard to the common rules of + civility. There are some ladies that affect a mighty regard for their + relations. "We must not eat to-day, for my uncle Tom, or my cousin Betty, + died this time ten years. Let's have a ball to-night, it is my neighbour + Such-a-one's birthday." She looked upon all this as grimace, yet she + constantly observed her husband's birthday, her wedding-day, and some few + more. + </p> + <p> + Though she was a truly good woman, and had a sincere motherly love for her + son John, yet there wanted not those who endeavoured to create a + misunderstanding between them, and they had so far prevailed with him once + that he turned her out of doors, to his great sorrow, as he found + afterwards, for his affairs went on at sixes and sevens. + </p> + <p> + She was no less judicious in the turn of her conversation and choice of + her studies, in which she far exceeded all her sex. Your rakes that hate + the company of all sober, grave gentlewomen would bear hers, and she + would, by her handsome manner of proceeding, sooner reclaim than some that + were more sour and reserved. She was a zealous preacher up of conjugal + fidelity in wives, and by no means a friend to the new-fangled doctrine of + the indispensable duty of change. Though she advanced her opinions with a + becoming assurance, yet she never ushered them in as some positive + creatures will do, with dogmatical assertions. "This is infallible; I + cannot be mistaken; none but a rogue can deny it." It has been observed + that such people are oftener in the wrong than anybody. + </p> + <p> + Though she had a thousand good qualities, she was not without her faults, + amongst which one might, perhaps, reckon too great lenity to her servants, + to whom she always gave good counsel, but often too gentle correction. I + thought I could not say less of John Bull's mother, because she bears a + part in the following transactions. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0019" id="link2HCH0019"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER II. The Character of John Bull's Sister Peg,* with the Quarrels + that happened between Master and Miss in their Childhood. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * The nation and Church of Scotland. +</pre> + <p> + John had a sister, a poor girl that had been starved at nurse. Anybody + would have guessed Miss to have been bred up under the influence of a + cruel stepdame, and John to be the fondling of a tender mother. John + looked ruddy and plump, with a pair of cheeks like a trumpeter; Miss + looked pale and wan, as if she had the green sickness; and no wonder, for + John was the darling: he had all the good bits, was crammed with good + pullet, chicken, pig, goose, and capon; while Miss had only a little + oatmeal and water, or a dry crust without butter. John had his golden + pippins, peaches, and nectarines; poor Miss, a crab-apple, sloe, or a + blackberry. Master lay in the best apartment, with his bedchamber towards + the south sun. Miss lodged in a garret exposed to the north wind, which + shrivelled her countenance. However, this usage, though it stunted the + girl in her growth, gave her a hardy constitution; she had life and spirit + in abundance, and knew when she was ill-used. Now and then she would seize + upon John's commons, snatch a leg of a pullet, or a bit of good beef, for + which they were sure to go to fisticuffs. Master was indeed too strong for + her, but Miss would not yield in the least point; but even when Master had + got her down, she would scratch and bite like a tiger; when he gave her a + cuff on the ear, she would prick him with her knitting-needle. John + brought a great chain one day to tie her to the bedpost, for which affront + Miss aimed a penknife at his heart. In short, these quarrels grew up to + rooted aversions; they gave one another nicknames, though the girl was a + tight clever wench as any was, and through her pale looks you might + discern spirit and vivacity, which made her not, indeed, a perfect beauty, + but something that was agreeable. It was barbarous in parents not to take + notice of these early quarrels, and make them live better together, such + domestic feuds proving afterwards the occasion of misfortunes to them + both. Peg had, indeed, some odd humours* and comical antipathy, for which + John would jeer her. "What think you of my sister Peg," says he, "that + faints at the sound of an organ, and yet will dance and frisk at the noise + of a bagpipe?" "What's that to you?" quoth Peg. "Everybody's to choose + their own music." Then Peg had taken a fancy not to say her Paternoster, + which made people imagine strange things of her. Of the three brothers + that have made such a clutter in the world—Lord Peter, Martin, and + Jack—Jack had of late been her inclinations. Lord Peter she + detested, nor did Martin stand much better in her good graces; but Jack + had found the way to her heart. I have often admired what charms she + discovered in that awkward booby, till I talked with a person that was + acquainted with the intrigue, who gave me the following account of it. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Love of Presbytery. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0020" id="link2HCH0020"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER III. Jack's Charms,* or the Method by which he gained Peg's Heart. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Character of the Presbyterians. +</pre> + <p> + In the first place, Jack was a very young fellow, by much the youngest of + the three brothers, and people, indeed, wondered how such a young upstart + jackanapes should grow so pert and saucy, and take so much upon him. + </p> + <p> + Jack bragged of greater abilities than other men. He was well gifted, as + he pretended: I need not tell you what secret influence that has upon the + ladies. + </p> + <p> + Jack had a most scandalous tongue, and persuaded Peg that all mankind, + besides himself, were plagued by that scarlet-faced woman, Signiora + Bubonia.* "As for his brother, Lord Peter, the tokens were evident on him—blotches + and scabs. His brother Martin, though he was not quite so bad, had some + nocturnal pains, which his friends pretended were only scorbutical; but he + was sure it proceeded from a worse cause." By such malicious insinuations + he had possessed the lady that he was the only man in the world of a + sound, pure, and untainted constitution, though there were some that stuck + not to say that Signiora Bubonia and Jack railed at one another only the + better to hide an intrigue, and that Jack had been found with Signiora + under his cloak, carrying her home on a dark stormy night. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * The Woman of Babylon, or the Pope. +</pre> + <p> + Jack was a prodigious ogler; he would ogle you the outside of his eye + inward, and the white upward. + </p> + <p> + Jack gave himself out for a man of a great estate in the Fortunate + Islands, of which the sole property was vested in his person. By this + trick he cheated abundance of poor people of small sums, pretending to + make over plantations in the said islands; but when the poor wretches came + there with Jack's grant, they were beat, mocked, and turned out of doors. + </p> + <p> + I told you that Peg was whimsical, and loved anything that was particular. + In that way Jack was her man, for he neither thought, spoke, dressed, nor + acted like other mortals. He was for your bold strokes. He railed at fops, + though he was himself the most affected in the world; instead of the + common fashion, he would visit his mistress in a mourning-cloak, band, + short cuffs, and a peaked beard. He invented a way of coming into a room + backwards, which he said showed more humility and less affectation. Where + other people stood, he sat; where they sat, he stood; when he went to + Court, he used to kick away the state, and sit down by his prince cheek by + jowl. "Confound these states," says he, "they are a modern invention." + When he spoke to his prince, he always turned his back upon him. If he was + advised to fast for his health, he would eat roast beef; if he was allowed + a more plentiful diet, then he would be sure that day to live upon + water-gruel; he would cry at a wedding, laugh and make jests at a funeral. + </p> + <p> + He was no less singular in his opinions. You would have burst your sides + to hear him talk of politics. "All government," says he, "is founded upon + the right distribution of punishments: decent executions keep the world in + awe; for that reason, the majority of mankind ought to be hanged every + year. For example, I suppose the magistrate ought to pass an irreversible + sentence upon all blue-eyed children from the cradle; but that there may + be some show of justice in this proceeding, these children ought to be + trained up by masters, appointed for that purpose, to all sorts of + villany, that they may deserve their fate, and the execution of them may + serve as an object of terror to the rest of mankind."* As to the giving of + pardons, he had this singular method:** that when these wretches had the + rope about their necks, it should be inquired who believed they should be + hanged, and who not? The first were to be pardoned, the last hanged + outright. Such as were once pardoned were never to be hanged afterwards + for any crime whatsoever. He had such skill in physiognomy, that he would + pronounce peremptorily upon a man's face. "That fellow," says he, "do what + he will, can't avoid hanging; he has a hanging look." By the same art he + would prognosticate a principality to a scoundrel. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Absolute predestination and reprobation. + + ** Saving Faith: a belief that one shall certainly be + saved. +</pre> + <p> + He was no less particular in the choice of his studies; they were + generally bent towards exploded chimeras*—the perpetuum mobile, the + circular shot, philosopher's stone, silent gunpowder, making chains for + fleas, nets for flies, and instruments to unravel cobwebs and split hairs. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * The learning of the Presbyterians. +</pre> + <p> + Thus, I think, I have given a distinct account of the methods he practised + upon Peg. Her brother would now and then ask her, "What dost thou see in + that pragmatical coxcomb to make thee so in love with him? He is a fit + match for a tailor's or a shoemaker's daughter, but not for you that are a + gentlewoman?" "Fancy is free," quoth Peg; "I'll take my own way, do you + take yours. I do not care for your flaunting beaus, that gang with their + breasts open, and their sarks over their waistcoats, that accost me with + set speeches out of Sidney's 'Arcadia' or the 'Academy of Compliments.' + Jack is a sober, grave young man; though he has none of your studied + harangues, his meaning is sincere. He has a great regard to his father's + will, and he that shows himself a good son will make a good husband. + Besides, I know he has the original deed of conveyance to the Fortunate + Islands; the others are counterfeits." There is nothing so obstinate as a + young lady in her amours; the more you cross her, the worse she is. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0021" id="link2HCH0021"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER IV. How the relations reconciled John and his sister Peg, and what + return Peg made to John's message.* + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * The Treaty of Union. Reason of it: the Succession not + being settled in Scotland. Fears for the Presbyterian + Church Government, and of being burdened with the English + National Debts. +</pre> + <p> + John Bull, otherwise a good-natured man, was very hard-hearted to his + sister Peg, chiefly from an aversion he had conceived in his infancy. + While he flourished, kept a warm house, and drove a plentiful trade, poor + Peg was forced to go hawking and peddling about the streets selling + knives, scissors, and shoe-buckles; now and then carried a basket of fish + to the market; sewed, spun, and knit for a livelihood, till her fingers' + ends were sore; and when she could not get bread for her family, she was + forced to hire them out at journey-work to her neighbours. Yet in these + her poor circumstances she still preserved the air and mien of a + gentlewoman—a certain decent pride that extorted respect from the + haughtiest of her neighbours. When she came in to any full assembly, she + would not yield the pas to the best of them. If one asked her, "Are not + you related to John Bull?" "Yes," says she, "he has the honour to be my + brother." So Peg's affairs went till all the relations cried out shame + upon John for his barbarous usage of his own flesh and blood; that it was + an easy matter for him to put her in a creditable way of living, not only + without hurt, but with advantage to himself, seeing she was an industrious + person, and might be serviceable to him in his way of business. "Hang her, + jade," quoth John, "I can't endure her as long as she keeps that rascal + Jack's company." They told him the way to reclaim her was to take her into + his house; that by conversation the childish humours of their younger days + might be worn out. These arguments were enforced by a certain incident. It + happened that John was at that time about making his will* and entailing + his estate, the very same in which Nic. Frog is named executor. Now, his + sister Peg's name being in the entail, he could not make a thorough + settlement without her consent. There was, indeed, a malicious story went + about as if John's last wife had fallen in love with Jack as he was eating + custard on horseback;** that she persuaded John to take his sister into + the house the better to drive on the intrigue with Jack, concluding he + would follow his mistress Peg. All I can infer from this story is that + when one has got a bad character in the world people will report and + believe anything of them, true or false. But to return to my story. When + Peg received John's message she huffed and stormed: "My brother John," + quoth she, "is grown wondrous kind-hearted all of a sudden, but I meikle + doubt whether it be not mair for their own conveniency than for my good; + he draws up his writs and his deeds, forsooth, and I must set my hand to + them, unsight, unseen. I like the young man he has settled upon well + enough, but I think I ought to have a valuable consideration for my + consent. He wants my poor little farm because it makes a nook in his + park-wall. Ye may e'en tell him he has mair than he makes good use of; he + gangs up and down drinking, roaring, and quarrelling, through all the + country markets, making foolish bargains in his cups, which he repents + when he is sober; like a thriftless wretch, spending the goods and gear + that his forefathers won with the sweat of their brows: light come, light + go, he cares not a farthing. But why should I stand surety for his + contracts? The little I have is free, and I can call it my awn—hame's + hame, let it be never so hamely. I ken him well enough, he could never + abide me, and when he has his ends he'll e'en use me as he did before. I'm + sure I shall be treated like a poor drudge—I shall be set to tend + the bairns, darn the hose, and mend the linen. Then there's no living with + that old carline his mother; she rails at Jack, and Jack's an honester man + than any of her kin: I shall be plagued with her spells and her + Paternosters, and silly old world ceremonies; I mun never pare my nails on + a Friday, nor begin a journey on Childermas Day; and I mun stand beeking + and binging as I gang out and into the hall. Tell him he may e'en gang his + get; I'll have nothing to do with him; I'll stay like the poor country + mouse, in my awn habitation." So Peg talked; but for all that, by the + interposition of good friends, and by many a bonny thing that was sent, + and many more that were promised Peg, the matter was concluded, and Peg + taken into the house upon certain articles:*** one of which was that she + might have the freedom of Jack's conversation, and might take him for + better and for worse if she pleased: provided always he did not come into + the house at unseasonable hours and disturb the rest of the old woman, + John's mother. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * The Act of Succession. + + ** A Presbyterian Lord Mayor. + + *** The Act of Toleration. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0022" id="link2HCH0022"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER V. Of some Quarrels that happened after Peg was taken into the + Family.* + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + *Quarrels about some of the Articles of Union, particularly + the peerage. +</pre> + <p> + It is an old observation that the quarrels of relations are harder to + reconcile than any other; injuries from friends fret and gall more, and + the memory of them is not so easily obliterated. This is cunningly + represented by one of your old sages called Aesop, in the story of the + bird that was grieved extremely at being wounded with an arrow feathered + with his own wing; as also of the oak that let many a heavy groan when he + was cleft with a wedge of his own timber. + </p> + <p> + There was no man in the world less subject to rancour than John Bull, + considering how often his good nature has been abused; yet I don't know + but he was too apt to hearken to tattling people that carry tales between + him and his sister Peg, on purpose to sow jealousies and set them together + by the ears. They say that there were some hardships put upon Peg which + had been better let alone; but it was the business of good people to + restrain the injuries on one side and moderate the resentments on the + other—a good friend acts both parts, the one without the other will + not do. + </p> + <p> + The purchase-money of Peg's farm was ill paid;* then Peg loved a little + good liquor, and the servants shut up the wine-cellar; but for that Peg + found a trick, for she made a false key.** Peg's servants complained that + they were debarred from all manner of business, and never suffered to + touch the least thing within the house; if they offered to come into the + warehouse, then straight went the yard slap over their noddle; if they + ventured into the counting-room a fellow would throw an ink-bottle at + their head; if they came into the best apartment to set anything there in + order, they were saluted with a broom; if they meddled with anything in + the kitchen it was odds but the cook laid them over the pate with a ladle; + one that would have got into the stables was met by two rascals, who fell + to work with him with a brush and a curry-comb; some climbing up into the + coachbox, were told that one of their companions had been there before + that could not drive, then slap went the long whip about their ears. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * The equivalent not paid. + + ** Run wine. +</pre> + <p> + On the other hand, it was complained that Peg's servants were always + asking for drink-money; that they had more than their share of the + Christmas-box.* To say the truth, Peg's lads bustled pretty hard for that, + for when they were endeavouring to lock it up they got in their great + fists and pulled out handfuls of halfcrowns, shillings, and sixpences. + Others in the scramble picked up guineas and broad-pieces. But there + happened a worse thing than all this: it was complained that Peg's + servants had great stomachs, and brought so many of their friends and + acquaintance to the table that John's family was like to be eaten out of + house and home. Instead of regulating this matter as it ought to be, Peg's + young men were thrust away from the table; then there was the devil and + all to do—spoons, plates, and dishes flew about the room like mad, + and Sir Roger, who was now Majordomo, had enough to do to quiet them. Peg + said this was contrary to agreement, whereby she was in all things to be + treated like a child of the family. Then she called upon those that had + made her such fair promises, and undertook for her brother John's good + behaviour; but, alas! to her cost she found that they were the first and + readiest to do her the injury. John at last agreed to this regulation: + that Peg's footmen might sit with his book-keeper, journeymen, and + apprentices, and Peg's better sort of servants might sit with his footmen + if they pleased.** + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Endeavoured to get their share of places. + + ** Articles of Union, whereby they could make a Scot's + commoner, but not a lord a peer. +</pre> + <p> + Then they began to order plum-porridge and minced pies for Peg's dinner. + Peg told them she had an aversion to that sort of food; that upon forcing + down a mess of it some years ago it threw her into a fit till she brought + it up again. Some alleged it was nothing but humour, that the same mess + should be served up again for supper, and breakfast next morning; others + would have made use of a horn, but the wiser sort bid let her alone, and + she might take to it of her own accord. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0023" id="link2HCH0023"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VI. The conversation between John Bull and his wife.* + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * The history of the Partition Treaty; suspicions at that + time that the French King intended to take the whole, and + that he revealed the secret to the Court of Spain. +</pre> + <p> + MRS. BULL.—Though our affairs, honey, are in a bad condition, I have + a better opinion of them since you seemed to be convinced of the ill + course you have been in, and are resolved to submit to proper remedies. + But when I consider your immense debts, your foolish bargains, and the + general disorder of your business, I have a curiosity to know what fate or + chance has brought you into this condition. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—I wish you would talk of some other subject, the thoughts + of it makes me mad; our family must have their run. + </p> + <p> + MRS. BULL.—But such a strange thing as this never happened to any of + your family before: they have had lawsuits, but, though they spent the + income, they never mortgaged the stock. Sure, you must have some of the + Norman or the Norfolk blood in you. Prithee, give me some account of these + matters. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—Who could help it? There lives not such a fellow by bread + as that old Lewis Baboon: he is the most cheating, contentious rogue upon + the face of the earth. You must know, one day, as Nic. Frog and I were + over a bottle making up an old quarrel, the old fellow would needs have us + drink a bottle of his champagne, and so one after another, till my friend + Nic. and I, not being used to such heady stuff, got very drunk. Lewis all + the while, either by the strength of his brain or flinching his glass, + kept himself sober as a judge. "My worthy friends," quoth Lewis, + "henceforth let us live neighbourly; I am as peaceable and quiet as a lamb + of my own temper, but it has been my misfortune to live among quarrelsome + neighbours. There is but one thing can make us fall out, and that is the + inheritance of Lord Strutt's estate: I am content, for peace' sake, to + waive my right, and submit to any expedient to prevent a lawsuit; I think + an equal division* will be the fairest way." "Well moved, Old Lewis," + quoth Frog, "and I hope my friend John here will not be refractory." At + the same time he clapped me on the back, and slabbered me all over from + cheek to cheek with his great tongue. "Do as you please, gentlemen," quoth + I, "'tis all one to John Bull." We agreed to part that night, and next + morning to meet at the corner of Lord Strutt's park wall, with our + surveying instruments, which accordingly we did. Old Lewis carried a chain + and a semicircle; Nic., paper, rulers, and a lead pencil; and I followed + at some distance with a long pole. We began first with surveying the + meadow grounds, afterwards we measured the cornfields, close by close; + then we proceeded to the woodlands, the copper and tin mines.** All this + while Nic. laid down everything exactly upon paper, calculated the acres + and roods to a great nicety. When we had finished the land, we were going + to break into the house and gardens, to take an inventory of his plate, + pictures, and other furniture. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * The Partition Treaty. + + ** The West Indies. +</pre> + <p> + MRS. BULL.—What said Lord Strutt to all this? + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—As we had almost finished our concern, we were accosted + by some of Lord Strutt's servants. "Heyday! what's here? what a devil's + the meaning of all these trangrams and gimcracks, gentlemen? What in the + name of wonder, are you going about, jumping over my master's hedges, and + running your lines cross his grounds? If you are at any field pastime, you + might have asked leave: my master is a civil well-bred person as any is." + </p> + <p> + MRS. BULL.—What could you answer to this? + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—Why, truly, my neighbour Frog and I were still + hot-headed; we told him his master was an old doting puppy, that minded + nothing of his own business; that we were surveying his estate, and + settling it for him, since he would not do it himself. Upon this there + happened a quarrel, but we being stronger than they, sent them away with a + flea in their ear. They went home and told their master. "My lord," say + they, "there are three odd sort of fellows going about your grounds with + the strangest machines that ever we beheld in our life: I suppose they are + going to rob your orchard, fell your trees, or drive away your cattle. + They told us strange things of settling your estate—one is a lusty + old fellow in a black wig, with a black beard, without teeth; there's + another, thick squat fellow, in trunk hose; the third is a little, + long-nosed, thin man (I was then lean, being just come out of a fit of + sickness)—I suppose it is fit to send after them, lest they carry + something away?" + </p> + <p> + MRS. BULL.—I fancy this put the old fellow in a rare tweague. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—Weak as he was, he called for his long Toledo, swore and + bounced about the room: "'Sdeath! what am I come to, to be affronted so by + my tradesmen? I know the rascals: my barber, clothier, and linen-draper + dispose of my estate! Bring hither my blunderbuss; I'll warrant ye you + shall see daylight through them. Scoundrels! dogs! the scum of the earth! + Frog, that was my father's kitchen-boy, he pretend to meddle with my + estate—with my will! Ah, poor Strutt! what are thou come to at last? + Thou hast lived too long in the world, to see thy age and infirmity so + despised! How will the ghosts of my noble ancestors receive these tidings?—they + cannot, they must not sleep quietly in their graves." In short, the old + gentleman was carried off in a fainting fit, and after bleeding in both + arms hardly recovered. + </p> + <p> + MRS. BULL.—Really this was a very extraordinary way of proceeding! I + long to hear the rest of it. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—After we had come back to the tavern, and taken t'other + bottle of champagne, we quarrelled a little about the division of the + estate. Lewis hauled and pulled the map on one side and Frog and I on + t'other, till we had like to have tore the parchment to pieces. At last + Lewis pulled out a pair of great tailor's shears and clipt a corner for + himself, which he said was a manor that lay convenient for him, and left + Frog and me the rest to dispose of as we pleased. We were overjoyed to + think Lewis was contented with so little, not smelling what was at the + bottom of the plot. There happened, indeed, an incident that gave us some + disturbance. A cunning fellow, one of my servants, two days after, peeping + through the keyhole, observed that old Lewis had stole away our part of + the map, and saw him fiddling and turning the map from one corner to the + other, trying to join the two pieces together again. He was muttering + something to himself, which he did not well hear, only these words, "'Tis + great pity! 'tis great pity!" My servant added that he believed this had + some ill meaning. I told him he was a coxcomb, always pretending to be + wiser than his companions. Lewis and I are good friends, he's an honest + fellow, and I daresay will stand to his bargain. The sequel of the story + proved this fellow's suspicion to be too well grounded; for Lewis revealed + our whole secret to the deceased Lord Strutt, who in reward for his + treachery, and revenge to Frog and me, settled his whole estate upon the + present Philip Baboon. Then we understood what he meant by piecing the map + together. + </p> + <p> + MRS. BULL.—And were you surprised at this? Had not Lord Strutt + reason to be angry? Would you have been contented to have been so used + yourself? + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—Why, truly, wife, it was not easily reconciled to the + common methods; but then it was the fashion to do such things. I have read + of your golden age, your silver age, etc.; one might justly call this the + age of the lawyers. There was hardly a man of substance in all the country + but had a counterfeit that pretended to his estate.* As the philosophers + say that there is a duplicate of every terrestrial animal at sea, so it + was in this age of the lawyers: there were at least two of everything; + nay, o' my conscience, I think there were three Esquire Hackums** at one + time. In short, it was usual for a parcel of fellows to meet and dispose + of the whole estates in the country. "This lies convenient for me, Tom. + Thou wouldst do more good with that, Dick, than the old fellow that has + it." So to law they went with the true owners: the lawyers got well by it; + everybody else was undone. It was a common thing for an honest man when he + came home at night to find another fellow domineering in his family, + hectoring his servants, and calling for supper. In every house you might + observe two Sosias quarrelling who was master. For my own part, I am still + afraid of the same treatment: that I should find somebody behind my + counter selling my broad-cloth. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Several Pretenders at that time. + + ** Kings of England. +</pre> + <p> + MRS. BULL.—There is a sort of fellows they call banterers and + bamboozlers that play such tricks, but it seems these fellows were in + earnest. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—I begin to think that justice is a better rule than + conveniency, for all some people make so slight on it. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0024" id="link2HCH0024"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VII. Of the hard shifts Mrs. Bull was put to preserve the Manor of + Bullock's Hatch, with Sir Roger's method to keep off importunate duns.* + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Some attempts to destroy the public credit at that time. + Manners of the Earl of Oxford. +</pre> + <p> + As John Bull and his wife were talking together they were surprised with a + sudden knocking at the door. "Those wicked scriveners and lawyers, no + doubt," quoth John; and so it was, some asking for the money he owed, and + others warning to prepare for the approaching term. "What a cursed life do + I lead!" quoth John; "debt is like deadly sin. For God's sake, Sir Roger, + get me rid of the fellows." "I'll warrant you," quoth Sir Roger; "leave + them to me." And, indeed, it was pleasant enough to observe Sir Roger's + method with these importunate duns. His sincere friendship for John Bull + made him submit to many things for his service which he would have scorned + to have done for himself. Sometimes he would stand at the door with his + long staff to keep off the duns, until John got out at the back door. When + the lawyers and tradesmen brought extravagant bills Sir Roger used to + bargain beforehand for leave to cut off a quarter of a yard in any part of + the bill he pleased; he wore a pair of scissors in his pocket for this + purpose, and would snip it off so nicely as you cannot imagine. Like a + true goldsmith he kept all your holidays; there was not one wanting in his + calendar; when ready money was scarce, he would set them a-telling a + thousand pounds in sixpences, groats, and threepenny-pieces. It would have + done your heart good to have seen him charge through an army of lawyers, + attorneys, clerks, and tradesmen; sometimes with sword in hand, at other + times nuzzling like an eel in the mud. When a fellow stuck like a bur, + that there was no shaking him off, he used to be mighty inquisitive about + the health of his uncles and aunts in the country; he could call them all + by their names, for he knew everybody, and could talk to them in their own + way. The extremely impertinent he would send away to see some strange + sight, as the Dragon of Hockley the Hole, or bid him call the 30th of next + February. Now and then you would see him in the kitchen, weighing the beef + and butter, paying ready money, that the maids might not run a tick at the + market, and the butchers, by bribing of them, sell damaged and light + meat.* Another time he would slip into the cellar and gauge the casks. In + his leisure minutes he was posting his books and gathering in his debts. + Such frugal methods were necessary where money was so scarce and duns so + numerous. All this while John kept his credit, could show his head both at + 'Change and Westminster Hall; no man protested his bill nor refused his + bond; only the sharpers and the scriveners, the lawyers and other clerks + pelted Sir Roger as he went along. The squirters were at it with their + kennel water, for they were mad for the loss of their bubble, and that + they could not get him to mortgage the manor of Bullock's Hatch. Sir Roger + shook his ears and nuzzled along, well satisfied within himself that he + was doing a charitable work in rescuing an honest man from the claws of + harpies and bloodsuckers. Mrs. Bull did all that an affectionate wife, and + a good housewife, could do; yet the boundaries of virtues are indivisible + lines. It is impossible to march up close to the frontiers of frugality + without entering the territories of parsimony. Your good housewives are + apt to look into the minutest things; therefore some blamed Mrs. Bull for + new heel-pieceing of her shoes, grudging a quarter of a pound of soap and + sand to scour the rooms**; but, especially, that she would not allow her + maids and apprentices the benefit of "John Bunyan," the "London + Apprentices," or the "Seven Champions," in the black letter.*** + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Some regulations as to the purveyance in the Queen's + family. + + ** Too great savings in the House of Commons. + + *** Restraining the liberty of the Press by Act of + Parliament. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0025" id="link2HCH0025"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VIII. A continuation of the conversation betwixt John Bull and his + wife. + </h2> + <p> + MRS. BULL.—It is a most sad life we lead, my dear, to be so teazed, + paying interest for old debts, and still contracting new ones. However, I + don't blame you for vindicating your honour and chastising old Lewis. To + curb the insolent, protect the oppressed, recover one's own, and defend + what one has, are good effects of the law. The only thing I want to know + is how you came to make an end of your money before you finished your + suit. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—I was told by the learned in the law that my suit stood + upon three firm pillars: more money for more law, more law for more money, + and no composition. More money for more law was plain to a demonstration, + for who can go to law without money? and it was plain that any man that + has money may have law for it. The third was as evident as the other two; + for what composition could be made with a rogue that never kept a word he + said? + </p> + <p> + MRS. BULL.—I think you are most likely to get out of this labyrinth + by the second door, by want of ready money to purchase this precious + commodity. But you seem not only to have bought too much of it, but have + paid too dear for what you bought, else how was it possible to run so much + in debt when at this very time the yearly income of what is mortgaged to + those usurers would discharge Hocus's bills, and give you your bellyfull + of law for all your life, without running one sixpence in debt? You have + been bred up to business; I suppose you can cypher; I wonder you never + used your pen and ink. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—Now you urge me too far; prithee, dear wife, hold thy + tongue. Suppose a young heir, heedless, raw, and inexperienced, full of + spirit and vigour, with a favourite passion, in the hands of money + scriveners. Such fellows are like your wire-drawing mills: if they get + hold of a man's finger they will pull in his whole body at last, till they + squeeze the heart, blood, and guts out of him. When I wanted money, half a + dozen of these fellows were always waiting in my ante-chamber with their + securities ready drawn.* I was tempted with the ready, some farm or other + went to pot. I received with one hand, and paid it away with the other to + lawyers that, like so many hell hounds, were ready to devour me. Then the + rogues would plead poverty and scarcity of money, which always ended in + receiving ninety for the hundred. After they had got possession of my best + rents they were able to supply me with my own money. But, what was worse, + when I looked into the securities there was no clause of redemption. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Methods of preying upon the necessities of the Government. +</pre> + <p> + MRS. BULL.—No clause of redemption, say you? That's hard. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—No great matter. For I cannot pay them. They had got a + worse trick than that. The same man bought and sold to himself, paid the + money, and gave the acquittance; the same man was butcher and grazier, + brewer and butler, cook and poulterer. There is something still worse than + all this. There came twenty bills upon me at once, which I had given money + to discharge. I was like to be pulled to pieces by brewer, butcher, and + baker; even my herb-woman dunned me as I went along the streets. Thanks to + my friend Sir Roger, else I must have gone to jail. When I asked the + meaning of this, I was told the money went to the lawyers. "Counsel won't + tick, sir." Hocus was urging; my book-keeper sat sotting all day, playing + at Put and All-fours. In short, by griping usurers, devouring lawyers, and + negligent servants I am brought to this pass. + </p> + <p> + MRS. BULL.—This was hard usage. But methinks the least reflection + might have retrieved you. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—'Tis true; yet consider my circumstances—my honour + was engaged, and I did not know how to get out. Besides, I was for five + years often drunk, always muddled; they carried me from tavern to tavern, + to ale-houses and brandy-shops, and brought me acquainted with such + strange dogs. "There goes the prettiest fellow in the world," says one, + "for managing a jury: make him yours. There's another can pick you up + witnesses. Serjeant such-a-one has a silver tongue at the bar."* I + believe, in time I should have retained every single person within the + Inns of Court. The night after a trial I treated the lawyers, their wives, + and daughters, with fiddles, hautboys, drums, and trumpets. I was always + hot-headed. Then they placed me in the middle, the attorneys and their + clerks dancing about me, whooping and holloing, "Long live John Bull, the + glory and support of the law!" + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Hiring still more troops. +</pre> + <p> + MRS. BULL.—Really, husband, you went through a very notable course. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—One of the things that first alarmed me was that they + showed a spite against my poor old mother.* "Lord," quoth I, "what makes + you so jealous of a poor, old, innocent gentlewoman, that minds only her + prayers and her Practice of Piety? She never meddles in any of your + concerns." "Fob," say they, "to see a handsome, brisk, genteel young + fellow so much governed by a doting old woman! Do you consider she keeps + you out of a good jointure? She has the best of your estate settled upon + her for a rent-charge. Hang her, old thief! turn her out of doors, seize + her lands, and let her go to law if she dares." "Soft and fair, + gentlemen," quoth I; "my mother's my mother, our family are not of an + unnatural temper. Though I don't take all her advice, I won't seize her + jointure; long may she enjoy it, good woman; I don't grudge it her. She + allows me now and then a brace of hundreds for my lawsuit; that's pretty + fair." About this time the old gentlewoman fell ill of an odd sort of a + distemper.** + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Railing against the Church. + + ** Carelessness in forms and discipline. +</pre> + <p> + It began with a coldness and numbness in her limbs, which by degrees + affected the nerves (I think the physicians call them), seized the brain, + and at last ended in a lethargy. It betrayed itself at first in a sort of + indifference and carelessness in all her actions, coldness to her best + friends, and an aversion to stir or go about the common offices of life. + She, that was the cleanliest creature in the world, never shrank now if + you set a close-stool under her nose. She that would sometimes rattle off + her servants pretty sharply, now if she saw them drink, or heard them talk + profanely, never took any notice of it. Instead of her usual charities to + deserving persons, she threw away her money upon roaring, swearing bullies + and beggars, that went about the streets.* "What is the matter with the + old gentlewoman?" said everybody; "she never used to do in this manner." + At last the distemper grew more violent, and threw her downright into + raving fits, in which she shrieked out so loud that she disturbed the + whole neighbourhood.** In her fits she called upon one Sir William.*** + "Oh! Sir William, thou hast betrayed me, killed me, stabbed me! See, see! + Clum with his bloody knife! Seize him! seize him! stop him! Behold the + fury with her hissing snakes! Where's my son John? Is he well, is he well? + Poor man! I pity him!" And abundance more of such strange stuff, that + nobody could make anything of. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Disposing of some preferments to libertine and + unprincipled persons. + + ** The too violent clamour about the danger of the Church. + + *** Sir William, a cant name of Sir Humphry's for Lord + Treasurer Godolphin. +</pre> + <p> + I knew little of the matter; for when I inquired about her health, the + answer was that she was in a good moderate way. Physicians were sent for + in haste. Sir Roger, with great difficulty, brought Ratcliff; Garth came + upon the first message. There were several others called in, but, as usual + upon such occasions, they differed strangely at the consultation. At last + they divided into two parties; one sided with Garth, the other with + Ratcliff.* Dr. Garth said, "This case seems to me to be plainly + hysterical; the old woman is whimsical; it is a common thing for your old + women to be so; I'll pawn my life, blisters, with the steel diet, will + recover her." Others suggested strong purging and letting of blood, + because she was plethoric. Some went so far as to say the old woman was + mad, and nothing would be better than a little corporal correction. + Ratcliff said, "Gentlemen, you are mistaken in this case; it is plainly an + acute distemper, and she cannot hold out three days unless she is + supported with strong cordials." I came into the room with a good deal of + concern, and asked them what they thought of my mother? "In no manner of + danger, I vow to God," quoth Garth; "the old woman is hysterical, + fanciful, sir, I vow to God." "I tell you, sir," says Ratcliff, "she + cannot live three days to an end, unless there is some very effectual + course taken with her; she has a malignant fever." Then "fool," "puppy," + and "blockhead," were the best words they gave. I could hardly restrain + them from throwing the ink-bottles at one another's heads. I forgot to + tell you that one party of the physicians desired I would take my sister + Peg into the house to nurse her, but the old gentlewoman would not hear of + that. At last one physician asked if the lady had ever been used to take + laudanum? Her maid answered, not that she knew; but, indeed, there was a + High German liveryman of hers, one Van Ptschirnsooker,** that gave her a + sort of a quack powder. The physician desired to see it. "Nay," says he, + "there is opium in this, I am sure." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Garth, the Low Church party. Ratcliff, High Church party. + + ** Van Ptschirnsooker, a bishop at that time, a great dealer + in politics and physic. +</pre> + <p> + MRS. BULL.—I hope you examined a little into this matter? + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—I did, indeed, and discovered a great mystery of + iniquity. The witnesses made oath that they had heard some of the + liverymen* frequently railing at their mistress. They said she was a + troublesome fiddle-faddle old woman, and so ceremonious that there was no + bearing of her. They were so plagued with bowing and cringing as they went + in and out of the room that their backs ached. She used to scold at one + for his dirty shoes, at another for his greasy hair and not combing his + head. Then she was so passionate and fiery in her temper that there was no + living with her. She wanted something to sweeten her blood. That they + never had a quiet night's rest for getting up in the morning to early + Sacraments. They wished they could find some way or another to keep the + old woman quiet in her bed. Such discourses were often overheard among the + liverymen, while the said Van Ptschirnsooker had undertook this matter. A + maid made affidavit "That she had seen the said Van Ptschirnsooker, one of + the liverymen, frequently making up of medicines and administering them to + all the neighbours; that she saw him one morning make up the powder which + her mistress took; that she had the curiosity to ask him whence he had the + ingredients. 'They come,' says he, 'from several parts of de world. Dis I + have from Geneva, dat from Rome, this white powder from Amsterdam, and the + red from Edinburgh, but the chief ingredient of all comes from Turkey." It + was likewise proved that the said Van Ptschirnsooker had been frequently + seen at the "Rose" with Jack, who was known to bear an inveterate spite to + his mistress. That he brought a certain powder to his mistress which the + examinant believes to be the same, and spoke the following words:—"Madam, + here is grand secret van de world, my sweetening powder; it does temperate + de humour, dispel the windt, and cure de vapour; it lulleth and quieteth + the animal spirits, procuring rest and pleasant dreams. It is de + infallible receipt for de scurvy, all heats in de bloodt, and breaking out + upon de skin. It is de true bloodstancher, stopping all fluxes of de + blood. If you do take dis, you will never ail anyding; it will cure you of + all diseases." And abundance more to this purpose, which the examinant + does not remember. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * The clergy. +</pre> + <p> + John Bull was interrupted in his story by a porter, that brought him a + letter from Nicholas Frog, which is as follows. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0026" id="link2HCH0026"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER IX. + </h2> + <h3> + A Copy* of Nic. Frog's Letter to John Bull. + </h3> + <p> + [John Bull reads.] + </p> + <p> + FRIEND JOHN,—What schellum is it that makes thee jealous of thy old + friend Nicholas? Hast thou forgot how some years ago he took thee out of + the sponging-house?** ['Tis true, my friend Nic. did so, and I thank him; + but he made me pay a swinging reckoning.] Thou beginnest now to repent thy + bargain that thou wast so fond of; and, if thou durst, would forswear thy + own hand and seal. Thou sayest that thou hast purchased me too great an + estate already, when, at the same time, thou knowest I have only a + mortgage. 'Tis true I have possession, and the tenants own me for master; + but has not Esquire South the equity of redemption? [No doubt, and will + redeem it very speedily; poor Nic. has only possession—eleven points + of the law.] As for the turnpikes*** I have set up, they are for other + people, not for my friend John. I have ordered my servant constantly to + attend, to let thy carriages through without paying anything; only I hope + thou wilt not come too heavy laden to spoil my ways. Certainly I have just + cause of offence against thee, my friend, for supposing it possible that + thou and I should ever quarrel. What houndsfoot is it that puts these + whims in thy head? Ten thousand last of devils haul me, if I don't love + thee as I love my life. [No question, as the Devil loves holy-water!] Does + not thy own hand and seal oblige thee to purchase for me till I say it is + enough? Are not these words plain? I say it is not enough. Dost thou think + thy friend Nicholas Frog made a child's bargain? Mark the words of thy + contract, tota pecunia (with all thy money). [Very well! I have purchased + with my own money, my children's and my grandchildren's money—is not + that enough? Well, tota pecunia let it be, for at present I have none at + all; he would not have me purchase with other people's money, sure? Since + tota pecunia is the bargain, I think it is plain—no more money, no + more purchase.] And whatever the world may say, Nicholas Frog is but a + poor man in comparison of the rich, the opulent John Bull, great clothier + of the world. I have had many losses, six of my best sheep were drowned, + and the water has come into my cellar, and spoiled a pipe of my best + brandy. It would be a more friendly act in thee to carry a brief about the + country to repair the losses of thy poor friend. Is it not evident to all + the world that I am still hemmed in by Lewis Baboon? Is he not just upon + my borders? [And so he will be if I purchase a thousand acres more, unless + he gets somebody betwixt them.] I tell thee, friend John, thou hast + flatterers that persuade thee that thou art a man of business; do not + believe them. If thou wouldst still leave thy affairs in my hands, thou + shouldst see how handsomely I would deal by thee. That ever thou shouldst + be dazzled with the enchanted islands and mountains of gold that old Lewis + promises thee! 'Dswounds! why dost thou not lay out thy money to purchase + a place at court of honest Israel? I tell thee, thou must not so much as + think of a composition. [Not think of a composition; that's hard indeed; I + can't help thinking of it, if I would.] Thou complainest of want of money—let + thy wife and daughters burn the gold lace of their petticoats; sell thy + fat cattle; retrench but a sirloin of beef and a peck-loaf in a week from + thy gormandising. [Retrench my beef—a dog! Retrench my beef; then it + is plain the rascal has an ill design upon me—he would starve me.] + Mortgage thy manor of Bullock's Hatch, or pawn thy crop for ten years. [A + rogue! part with my country-seat, my patrimony, all that I have left in + the world; I'll see him hanged first.] Why hast thou changed thy attorney? + Can any man manage thy cause better for thee? [Very pleasant! because a + man has a good attorney, he must never make an end of his law-suit.] Ah, + John! John! I wish thou knewest thine own mind. Thou art as fickle as the + wind. I tell thee, thou hadst better let this composition alone, or leave + it to thy + </p> + <p> + Loving friend, + </p> + <p> + Nic. FROG. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * A letter from the States-General. + + ** Alluding to the Rebellion. + + *** The Dutch prohibition of trade. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0027" id="link2HCH0027"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER X. Of some extraordinary Things* that passed at the "Salutation" + Tavern, in the Conference between Bull, Frog, Esquire South, and Lewis + </h2> + <p> + Baboon. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * The Treaty of Utrecht: the difficulty to get them to + meet. When met, the Dutch would not speak their sentiments, + nor the French deliver in their proposals. The House of + Austria talked very high. +</pre> + <p> + Frog had given his word that he would meet the above-mentioned company at + the "Salutation," to talk of this agreement. Though he durst not directly + break his appointment, he made many a shuffling excuse: one time he + pretended to be seized with the gout in his right knee; then he got a + great cold, that had struck him deaf of one ear; afterwards two of his + coach-horses fell sick, and he durst not go by water, for fear of catching + an ague. John would take no excuse, but hurried him away. "Come, Nic.," + says he, "let's go and hear at least what this old fellow has to propose; + I hope there's no hurt in that." "Be it so," quoth Nic.; "but if I catch + any harm, woe be to you; my wife and children will curse you as long as + they live." When they were come to the "Salutation," John concluded all + was sure then, and that he should be troubled no more with law affairs. He + thought everybody as plain and sincere as he was. "Well, neighbours," + quoth he, "let's now make an end of all matters, and live peaceably + together for the time to come. If everybody is as well inclined as I, we + shall quickly come to the upshot of our affair." And so, pointing to Frog + to say something, to the great surprise of all the company, Frog was + seized with a dead palsy in the tongue. John began to ask him some plain + questions, and whooped and hallooed in his ear: "Let's come to the point. + Nic., who wouldst thou have to be Lord Strutt? Wouldst thou have Philip + Baboon?" Nic. shook his head, and said nothing. "Wilt thou, then, have + Esquire South to be Lord Strutt?" Nic. shook his head a second time. "Then + who the devil wilt thou have? Say something or another." Nic. opened his + mouth and pointed to his tongue, and cried, "A, a, a, a!" which was as + much as to say he could not speak. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—"Shall I serve Philip Baboon with broadcloth, and accept + of the composition that he offers, with the liberty of his parks and + fishponds?" Then Nic. roared like a bull, "O, o, o, o!" + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—"If thou wilt not let me have them, wilt thou take them + thyself?" Then Nic. grinned, cackled, and laughed, till he was like to + kill himself, and seemed to be so pleased that he fell a frisking and + dancing about the room. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—"Shall I leave all this matter to thy management, Nic., + and go about my business?" Then Nic. got up a glass and drank to John, + shaking him by the hand till he had like to have shook his shoulder out of + joint. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—"I understand thee, Nic.; but I shall make thee speak + before I go." Then Nic. put his finger in his cheek and made it cry + "buck!" which was as much as to say, "I care not a farthing for thee." + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—"I have done, Nic.; if thou wilt not speak, I'll make my + own terms with old Lewis here." + </p> + <p> + John, perceiving that Frog would not speak, turns to old Lewis: "Since we + cannot make this obstinate fellow speak, Lewis, pray condescend a little + to his humour, and set down thy meaning upon paper, that he may answer it + in another scrap." + </p> + <p> + "I am infinitely sorry," quoth Lewis, "that it happens so unfortunately; + for, playing a little at cudgels t'other day, a fellow has given me such a + rap over the right arm that I am quite lame. I have lost the use of my + forefinger and my thumb, so that I cannot hold my pen." + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—"That's all one; let me write for you." + </p> + <p> + LEWIS.—"But I have a misfortune that I cannot read anybody's hand + but my own." + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—"Try what you can do with your left hand." + </p> + <p> + LEWIS.—"That's impossible; it will make such a scrawl that it will + not be legible." + </p> + <p> + As they were talking of this matter, in came Esquire South, all dressed up + in feathers and ribbons, stark staring mad, brandishing his sword, as if + he would have cut off their heads, crying "Room, room, boys, for the grand + esquire of the world! the flower of esquires! What! covered in my + presence? I'll crush your souls, and crack you like lice!" With that he + had like to have struck John Bull's hat into the fire; but John, who was + pretty strong-fisted, gave him such a squeeze as made his eyes water. He + went on still in his mad pranks: "When I am lord of the universe, the sun + shall prostrate and adore me! Thou, Frog, shalt be my bailiff; Lewis my + tailor; and thou, John Bull, shalt be my fool!" + </p> + <p> + All this while Frog laughed in his sleeve, gave the esquire the other + noggan of brandy, and clapped him on the back, which made him ten times + madder. + </p> + <p> + Poor John stood in amaze, talking thus to himself: "Well, John, thou art + got into rare company! One has a dumb devil, the other a mad devil, and + the third a spirit of infirmity. An honest man has a fine time on it + amongst such rogues. What art thou asking of them after all? Some mighty + boon one would think! only to sit quietly at thy own fireside. What have I + to do with such fellows? John Bull, after all his losses and crosses, can + live better without them than they can without him. Would I lived a + thousand leagues off them! but the devil's in it; John Bull is in, and + John Bull must get out as well as he can." + </p> + <p> + As he was talking to himself, he observed Frog and old Lewis edging + towards one another to whisper,* so that John was forced to sit with his + arms akimbo, to keep them asunder. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Some attempts of secret negotiation between the French and + the Dutch. +</pre> + <p> + Some people advised John to bleed Frog under the tongue, or take away his + bread-and-butter, which would certainly make him speak; to give Esquire + South hellebore; as for Lewis, some were for emollient poultices, others + for opening his arm with an incision knife. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0028" id="link2HCH0028"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XI.* The apprehending, examination, and imprisonment of Jack for + suspicion of poisoning. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * The four following chapters contain the history of passing + the Bill against Occasional Conformity, and of the Whigs + agreeing to it. +</pre> + <p> + The attentive reader cannot have forgot that the story of Van + Ptschirnsooker's powder was interrupted by a message from Frog. I have a + natural compassion for curiosity, being much troubled with the distemper + myself; therefore to gratify that uneasy itching sensation in my reader, I + have procured the following account of that matter. + </p> + <p> + Van Ptschirnsooker came off (as rogues usually do upon such occasions) by + peaching his partner; and being extremely forward to bring him to the + gallows, Jack* was accused as the contriver of all the roguery. And, + indeed, it happened unfortunately for the poor fellow, that he was known + to bear a most inveterate spite against the old gentlewoman; and, + consequently, that never any ill accident happened to her but he was + suspected to be at the bottom of it. If she pricked her finger, Jack, to + be sure, laid the pin in the way; if some noise in the street disturbed + her rest, who could it be but Jack in some of his nocturnal rambles? If a + servant ran away, Jack had debauched him. Every idle tittle-tattle that + went about, Jack was always suspected for the author of it. However, all + was nothing to this last affair of the temperating, moderating powder. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * All the misfortunes of the Church charged upon the Puritan + party. +</pre> + <p> + The hue and cry went after Jack to apprehend him dead or alive, wherever + he could be found. The constables looked out for him in all his usual + haunts; but to no purpose. Where d'ye think they found him at last? Even + smoking his pipe, very quietly, at his brother Martin's; from whence he + was carried with a vast mob at his heels, before the worshipful Mr. + Justice Overdo. Several of his neighbours made oath,* that of late, the + prisoner had been observed to lead a very dissolute life, renouncing even + his usual hypocrisy and pretences to sobriety; that he frequented taverns + and eating-houses, and had been often guilty of drunkenness and gluttony + at my Lord Mayor's table; that he had been seen in the company of lewd + women; that he had transferred his usual care of the engrossed copy of his + father's will to bank bills, orders for tallies, and debentures:** these + he now affirmed, with more literal truth, to be meat, drink, and cloth, + the philosopher's stone, and the universal medicine;*** that he was so far + from showing his customary reverence to the will, that he kept company + with those that called his father a cheating rogue, and his will a + forgery; that he not only sat quietly and heard his father railed at, but + often chimed in with the discourse, and hugged the authors as his bosom + friends;**** that instead of asking for blows at the corners of the + streets, he now bestowed them as plentifully as he begged them before.*** + In short, that he was grown a mere rake; and had nothing left in him of + old Jack except his spite to John Bull's mother. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * The manners of the Dissenters changed from their former + strictness. + + ** Dealing much in stock-jobbing. + + *** "Tale of a Tub." + + **** Herding with deists and atheists. +</pre> + <p> + Another witness made oath, that Jack had been overheard bragging of a + trick* he had found out to manage the "old formal jade," as he used to + call her. "Hang this numb-skull of mine," quoth he, "that I could not + light on it sooner. As long as I go in this ragged tattered coat, I am so + well known, that I am hunted away from the old woman's door by every + barking cur about the house; they bid me defiance. There's no doing + mischief as an open enemy; I must find some way or other of getting within + doors, and then I shall have better opportunities of playing my pranks, + besides the benefit of good keeping." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Getting into places and Church preferments by occasional + conformity. +</pre> + <p> + Two witnesses swore* that several years ago, there came to their + mistress's door a young fellow in a tattered coat, that went by the name + of Timothy Trim, whom they did in their conscience believe to be the very + prisoner, resembling him in shape, stature, and the features of his + countenance. That the said Timothy Trim being taken into the family, + clapped their mistress's livery over his own tattered coat; that the said + Timothy was extremely officious about their mistress's person, + endeavouring by flattery and tale-bearing to set her against the rest of + the servants: nobody was so ready to fetch anything that was wanted, to + reach what was dropped. That he used to shove and elbow his + fellow-servants to get near his mistress, especially when money was a + paying or receiving—then he was never out of the way; that he was + extremely diligent about everybody's business but his own. That the said + Timothy, while he was in the family, used to be playing roguish tricks; + when his mistress's back was turned, he would loll out his tongue, make + mouths, and laugh at her, walking behind her like Harlequin, ridiculing + her motions and gestures; but if his mistress looked about, he put on a + grave, demure countenance, as if he had been in a fit of devotion; that he + used often to trip up-stairs so smoothly that you could not hear him + tread, and put all things out of order; that he would pinch the children + and servants, when he met them in the dark, so hard, that he left the + print of his forefingers and his thumb in black and blue, and then slink + into a corner, as if nobody had done it. Out of the same malicious design + he used to lay chairs and joint-stools in their way, that they might break + their noses by falling over them. The more young and inexperienced he used + to teach to talk saucily, and call names. During his stay in the family + there was much plate missing; being caught with a couple of silver spoons + in his pocket, with their handles wrenched off, he said he was only going + to carry them to the goldsmiths to be mended: that the said Timothy was + hated by all the honest servants, for his ill-conditioned, splenetic + tricks, but especially for his slanderous tongue; traducing them to their + mistress as drunkards and thieves: that the said Timothy, by lying + stories, used to set all the family together by the ears, taking delight + to make them fight and quarrel; **particularly one day sitting at table, + he spoke words to this effect: "I am of opinion," quoth he, "that little + short fellows, such as we are, have better hearts, and could beat the tall + fellows; I wish it came to a fair trial; I believe these long fellows, as + sightly as they are, should find their jackets well thwacked." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Betraying the interests of the Church when got into + preferments. + + ** The original of the distinction in the names of Low + Churchmen and High Churchmen. +</pre> + <p> + A parcel of tall fellows, who thought themselves affronted by the + discourse, took up the quarrel, and to it they went, the tall men and the + low men, which continues still a faction in the family, to the great + disorder of our mistress's affairs. The said Timothy carried this frolic + so far, that he proposed to his mistress that she should entertain no + servant that was above four feet seven inches high, and for that purpose + had prepared a gauge, by which they were to be measured. The good old + gentlewoman was not so simple as to go into his projects—she began + to smell a rat. "This Trim," quoth she, "is an odd sort of a fellow; + methinks he makes a strange figure with that ragged, tattered coat + appearing under his livery; can't he go spruce and clean, like the rest of + the servants? The fellow has a roguish leer with him which I don't like by + any means; besides, he has such a twang in his discourse, and an + ungraceful way of speaking through the nose, that one can hardly + understand him; I wish the fellow be not tainted with some bad disease." + The witnesses further made oath, that the said Timothy lay out a-nights, + and went abroad often at unseasonable hours; and it was credibly reported + he did business in another family: that he pretended to have a squeamish + stomach, and could not eat at table with the rest of the servants, though + this was but a pretence to provide some nice bit for himself; that he + refused to dine upon salt fish, only to have an opportunity to eat a + calf's head (his favourite dish) in private; that for all his tender + stomach, when he was got by himself, he could devour capons, turkeys, and + sirloins of beef, like a cormorant. + </p> + <p> + Two other witnesses gave the following evidence: That in his officious + attendance upon his mistress, he had tried to slip a powder into her + drink, and that he was once caught endeavouring to stifle her with a + pillow as she was asleep; that he and Ptschirnsooker were often in close + conference, and that they used to drink together at the "Rose," where it + seems he was well enough known by his true name of Jack. + </p> + <p> + The prisoner had little to say in his defence; he endeavoured to prove + himself alibi, so that the trial turned upon this single question, whether + the said Timothy Trim and Jack were the same person; which was proved by + such plain tokens, and particularly by a mole under the left pap, that + there was no withstanding the evidence; therefore the worshipful Mr. + Justice committed him, in order to his trial. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0029" id="link2HCH0029"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XII. How Jack's friends came to visit him in prison, and what + advice they gave him. + </h2> + <p> + Jack hitherto had passed in the world for a poor, simple, well-meaning, + half-witted, crack-brained fellow. People were strangely surprised to find + him in such a roguery—that he should disguise himself under a false + name, hire himself out for a servant to an old gentlewoman, only for an + opportunity to poison her. They said that it was more generous to profess + open enmity than under a profound dissimulation to be guilty of such a + scandalous breach of trust, and of the sacred rights of hospitality; in + short, the action was universally condemned by his best friends. They told + him in plain terms that this was come as a judgment upon him for his loose + life, his gluttony, drunkenness, and avarice; for laying aside his + father's will in an old mouldy trunk, and turning stock-jobber, + newsmonger, and busybody, meddling with other people's affairs, shaking + off his old serious friends, and keeping company with buffoons and + pickpockets, his father's sworn enemies; that he had best throw himself + upon the mercy of the court, repent, and change his manners. To say truth, + Jack heard these discourses with some compunction; however, he resolved to + try what his new acquaintance would do for him. They sent Habakkuk + Slyboots,* who delivered him the following message, as the peremptory + commands of his trusty companions:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Habakkuk Slyboots, a certain great man who persuaded the + Dissenters to consent to the Bill against Occasional + Conformity as being for their interest. +</pre> + <p> + HABAKKUK.—Dear Jack, I am sorry for thy misfortune: matters have not + been carried on with due secrecy; however, we must make the best of a bad + bargain. Thou art in the utmost jeopardy, that's certain; hang, draw, and + quarter, are the gentlest things they talk of. However, thy faithful + friends, ever watchful for thy security, bid me tell thee that they have + one infallible expedient left to save thy life. Thou must know we have got + into some understanding with the enemy by the means of Don Diego;* he + assures us there is no mercy for thee, and that there is only one way left + to escape. It is, indeed, somewhat out of the common road; however, be + assured it is the result of most mature deliberation. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * A noble Tory lord. +</pre> + <p> + JACK.—Prithee tell me quickly, for my heart is sunk down in the very + bottom of my belly. + </p> + <p> + HAB.—It is the unanimous opinion of your friends that you make as if + you hanged yourself;* they will give it out that you are quite dead, and + convey your body out of prison in a bier; and John Bull, being busied with + his lawsuit, will not inquire further into the matter. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Consent to the Bill against Occasional Conformity. +</pre> + <p> + JACK.—How d'ye mean, make as if I hanged myself? + </p> + <p> + HAB.—Nay, you must really hang yourself up in a true genuine rope, + that there may appear no trick in it, and leave the rest to your friends. + </p> + <p> + JACK.—Truly this is a matter of some concern, and my friends, I + hope, won't take it ill if I inquire a little into the means by which they + intend to deliver me. A rope and a noose are no jesting matters! + </p> + <p> + HAB.—Why so mistrustful? hast thou ever found us false to thee? I + tell thee there is one ready to cut thee down. + </p> + <p> + JACK.—May I presume to ask who it is that is entrusted with so + important an office? + </p> + <p> + HAB.—Is there no end of thy hows and thy whys? That's a secret. + </p> + <p> + JACK.—A secret, perhaps, that I may be safely trusted with, for I am + not like to tell it again. I tell you plainly it is no strange thing for a + man before he hangs himself up to inquire who is to cut him down. + </p> + <p> + HAB.—Thou suspicious creature! if thou must needs know it, I tell + thee it is Sir Roger;* he has been in tears ever since thy misfortune. Don + Diego and we have laid it so that he is to be in the next room, and before + the rope is well about thy neck, rest satisfied he will break in and cut + thee down. Fear not, old boy; we'll do it, I'll warrant thee. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * It was given out that the Earl of Oxford would oppose the + occasional Bill, and so lose his credit with the Tories; and + the Dissenters did believe he would not suffer it to pass. +</pre> + <p> + JACK.—So I must hang myself up upon hopes that Sir Roger will cut me + down, and all this upon the credit of Don Diego. A fine stratagem, indeed, + to save my life, that depends upon hanging, Don Diego, and Sir Roger! + </p> + <p> + HAB.—I tell thee there is a mystery in all this, my friend, a piece + of profound policy; if thou knew what good this will do to the common + cause, thy heart would leap for joy. I am sure thou wouldst not delay the + experiment one moment. + </p> + <p> + JACK.—This is to the tune of "All for the better." What's your cause + to me when I am hanged? + </p> + <p> + HAB.—Refractory mortal! if thou wilt not trust thy friends, take + what follows. Know assuredly, before next full moon, that thou wilt be + hung up in chains, or thy quarters perching upon the most conspicuous + places of the kingdom. Nay, I don't believe they will be contented with + hanging; they talk of impaling, or breaking on the wheel, and thou + choosest that before a gentle suspending of thyself for one minute. + Hanging is not so painful a thing as thou imaginest. I have spoken with + several that have undergone it; they all agree it is no manner of + uneasiness. Be sure thou take good notice of the symptoms; the relation + will be curious. It is but a kick or two with thy heels, and a wry mouth + or so: Sir Roger will be with thee in the twinkling of an eye. + </p> + <p> + JACK.—But what if Sir Roger should not come; will my friends be + there to succour me? + </p> + <p> + HAB.—Doubt it not; I will provide everything against to-morrow + morning: do thou keep thy own secret—say nothing. I tell thee it is + absolutely necessary for the common good that thou shouldst go through + this operation. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0030" id="link2HCH0030"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XIII. How Jack hanged himself up by the persuasion of his friends, + who broke their words, and left his neck in the noose. + </h2> + <p> + Jack was a professed enemy to implicit faith, and yet I dare say it was + never more strongly exerted nor more basely abused than upon this + occasion. He was now, with his old friends, in the state of a poor + disbanded officer after a peace, or rather a wounded soldier after a + battle; like an old favourite of a cunning Minister after the job is over, + or a decayed beauty to a cloyed lover in quest of new game, or like a + hundred such things that one sees every day. There were new intrigues, new + views, new projects, on foot. Jack's life was the purchase of Diego's + friendship; much good may it do them. The interest of Hocus and Sir + William Crawley which was now more at heart, made this operation upon poor + Jack absolutely necessary. You may easily guess that his rest that night + was but small, and much disturbed; however, the remaining part of his time + he did not employ (as his custom was formerly) in prayer, meditation, or + singing a double verse of a Psalm, but amused himself with disposing of + his bank stock. Many a doubt, many a qualm, overspread his clouded + imagination: "Must I then," quoth he, "hang up my own personal, natural, + individual self with these two hands! Durus Sermo! What if I should be cut + down, as my friends tell me? There is something infamous in the very + attempt; the world will conclude I had a guilty conscience. Is it possible + that good man, Sir Roger, can have so much pity upon an unfortunate + scoundrel that has persecuted him so many years? No, it cannot be; I don't + love favours that pass through Don Diego's hands. On the other side, my + blood chills about my heart at the thought of these rogues with their + bloody hands pulling out my very entrails. Hang it, for once I'll trust my + friends." So Jack resolved; but he had done more wisely to have put + himself upon the trial of his country, and made his defence in form; many + things happen between the cup and the lip—witnesses might have been + bribed, juries managed, or prosecution stopped. But so it was, Jack for + this time had a sufficient stock of implicit faith, which led him to his + ruin, as the sequel of the story shows. + </p> + <p> + And now the fatal day was come in which he was to try this hanging + experiment. His friends did not fail him at the appointed hour to see it + put in practice. Habakkuk brought him a smooth, strong, tough rope, made + of many a ply of wholesome Scandinavian hemp, compactly twisted together, + with a noose that slipped as glib as a birdcatcher's gin. Jack shrank and + grew pale at first sight of it; he handled it, he measured it, stretched + it, fixed it against the iron bar of the window to try its strength, but + no familiarity could reconcile him to it. He found fault with the length, + the thickness, and the twist; nay, the very colour did not please him. + "Will nothing less than hanging serve?" quoth Jack. "Won't my enemies take + bail for my good behaviour? Will they accept of a fine, or be satisfied + with the pillory and imprisonment, a good round whipping, or burning in + the cheek?" + </p> + <p> + HAB.—Nothing but your blood will appease their rage; make haste, + else we shall be discovered. There's nothing like surprising the rogues. + How they will be disappointed when they hear that thou hast prevented + their revenge and hanged thine own self. + </p> + <p> + JACK.—That's true; but what if I should do it in effigies? Is there + never an old pope or pretender to hang up in my stead? We are not so + unlike but it may pass. + </p> + <p> + HAB.—That can never be put upon Sir Roger. + </p> + <p> + JACK.—Are you sure he is in the next room? Have you provided a very + sharp knife, in case of the worst? + </p> + <p> + HAB.—Dost take me for a common liar? Be satisfied, no damage can + happen to your person; your friends will take care of that. + </p> + <p> + JACK.—Mayn't I quilt my rope? It galls my neck strangely: besides, I + don't like this running knot. It holds too tight; I may be stifled all of + a sudden. + </p> + <p> + HAB.—Thou hast so many ifs and ands! prithee despatch; it might have + been over before this time. + </p> + <p> + JACK.—But now I think on't, I would fain settle some affairs, for + fear of the worst: have a little patience. + </p> + <p> + HAB.—There's no having patience, thou art such a faintling, silly + creature. + </p> + <p> + JACK.—O thou most detestable, abominable Passive Obedience! did I + ever imagine I should become thy votary, in so pregnant an instance? How + will my brother Martin laugh at this story, to see himself outdone in his + own calling! He has taken the doctrine, and left me the practice. + </p> + <p> + No sooner had he uttered these words, but, like a man of true courage, he + tied the fatal cord to the beam, fitted the noose, and mounted upon the + bottom of a tub, the inside of which he had often graced in his prosperous + days. This footstool Habakkuk kicked away, and left poor Jack swinging + like the pendulum of Paul's clock. The fatal noose performed its office, + and with most strict ligature squeezed the blood into his face till it + assumed a purple dye. While the poor man heaved from the very bottom of + his belly for breath, Habakkuk walked with great deliberation into both + the upper and lower room, to acquaint his friends, who received the news + with great temper, and with jeers and scoffs instead of pity. "Jack has + hanged himself!" quoth they; "let us go and see how the poor rogue + swings." Then they called Sir Roger. "Sir Roger," quoth Habakkuk, "Jack + has hanged himself; make haste and cut him down." Sir Roger turned first + one ear and then the other, not understanding what he said. + </p> + <p> + HAB.—I tell you Jack has hanged himself up. + </p> + <p> + SIR ROGER.—Who's hanged? + </p> + <p> + HAB.—Jack. + </p> + <p> + SIR ROGER.—I thought this had not been hanging day. + </p> + <p> + HAB.—But the poor fellow has hanged himself. + </p> + <p> + SIR ROGER.—Then let him hang. I don't wonder at it; the fellow has + been mad these twenty years. + </p> + <p> + With this he slunk away. + </p> + <p> + Then Jack's friends began to hunch and push one another: "Why don't you go + and cut the poor fellow down?" "Why don't you?" "And why don't you?" "Not + I," quoth one. "Not I," quoth another. "Not I," quoth a third; "he may + hang till doomsday before I relieve him!" Nay, it is credibly reported + that they were so far from succouring their poor friend in this his dismal + circumstance, that Ptschirnsooker and several of his companions went in + and pulled him by the legs, and thumped him on the breast. Then they began + to rail at him for the very thing which they had advised and justified + before, viz., his getting into the old gentlewoman's family, and putting + on her livery. The keeper who performed the last office coming up, found + Jack swinging, with no life in him. He took down the body gently and laid + it on a bulk, and brought out the rope to the company. "This, gentlemen, + is the rope that hanged Jack; what must be done with it?" Upon which they + ordered it to be laid among the curiosities of Gresham College; and it is + called Jack's rope to this very day. However, Jack, after all, had some + small tokens of life in him, but lies, at this time, past hopes of a total + recovery, with his head hanging on one shoulder, without speech or motion. + The coroner's inquest, supposing him to be dead, brought him in non + compos. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0031" id="link2HCH0031"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XIV. The Conference between Don Diego and John Bull. + </h2> + <h3> + During the time of the foregoing transactions, Don Diego was entertaining + John Bull. + </h3> + <p> + DON DIEGO.—I hope, sir, this day's proceeding will convince you of + the sincerity of your old friend Diego, and the treachery of Sir Roger. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—What's the matter now? + </p> + <p> + DON DIEGO.—You have been endeavouring, for several years, to have + justice done upon that rogue Jack, but, what through the remissness of + constables, justices, and packed juries, he has always found the means to + escape. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—What then? + </p> + <p> + DON DIEGO.—Consider, then, who is your best friend: he that would + have brought him to condign punishment, or he that has saved him? By my + persuasion Jack had hanged himself, if Sir Roger had not cut him down. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—Who told you that Sir Roger has done so? + </p> + <p> + DON DIEGO.—You seem to receive me coldly: methinks my services + deserve a better return. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—Since you value yourself upon hanging this poor + scoundrel, I tell you, when I have any more hanging work, I'll send for + thee: I have some better employment for Sir Roger. In the meantime, I + desire the poor fellow may be looked after. When he first came out of the + north country into my family, under the pretended name of Timothy Trim, + the fellow seemed to mind his loom and his spinning-wheel, till somebody + turned his head; then he grew so pragmatical, that he took upon him the + government of my whole family: I could never order anything, within or + without doors, but he must be always giving his counsel, forsooth: + nevertheless, tell him I will forgive what is past; and if he would mind + his business for the future, and not meddle out of his own sphere, he will + find that John Bull is not of a cruel disposition. + </p> + <p> + DON DIEGO.—Yet all your skilful physicians say that nothing can + recover your mother but a piece of Jack's liver boiled in her soup. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—Those are quacks. My mother abhors such cannibals' food. + She is in perfect health at present. I would have given many a good pound + to have had her so well some time ago.* There are indeed two or three + troublesome old nurses that, because they believe I am tender-hearted, + will never let me have a quiet night's rest with knocking me up: "Oh, sir, + your mother is taken extremely ill; she is fallen into a fainting fit; she + has a great emptiness, wants sustenance." This is only to recommend + themselves for their great care. John Bull, as simple as he is, + understands a little of a pulse. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * New clamours about the danger of the Church. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0032" id="link2HCH0032"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XV. The sequel of the meeting at the "Salutation."* + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * At the Congress of Utrecht. +</pre> + <p> + Where I think I left John Bull, sitting between Nic. Frog and Lewis + Baboon, with his arms akimbo, in great concern to keep Lewis and Nic. + asunder. As watchful as he was, Nic. found the means now and then to steal + a whisper, and by a cleanly conveyance under the table to slip a short + note into Lewis's hand, which Lewis as slyly put into John's pocket, with + a pinch or a jog to warn him what he was about. John had the curiosity to + retire into a corner to peruse those billets doux* of Nic.'s, wherein he + found that Nic. had used great freedoms both with his interest and + reputation. One contained these words: "Dear Lewis, thou seest clearly + that this blockhead can never bring his matters to bear. Let thee and me + talk to-night by ourselves at the 'Rose,' and I'll give thee + satisfaction." Another was thus expressed: "Friend Lewis, has thy sense + quite forsaken thee to make Bull such offers? Hold fast, part with + nothing, and I will give thee a better bargain, I'll warrant thee!" + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Some offers of the Dutch at that time, in order to get the + negotiation into their hands. +</pre> + <p> + In some of his billets he told Lewis "That John Bull was under his + guardianship; that the best part of his servants were at his command; that + he could have John gagged and bound whenever he pleased by the people of + his own family." In all these epistles, blockhead, dunce, ass, coxcomb, + were the best epithets he gave poor John. In others he threatened,* "That + he, Esquire South, and the rest of the tradesmen, would lay Lewis down + upon his back and beat out his teeth if he did not retire immediately and + break up the Meeting." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Threatening that the allies would carry on the war without + the help of the English. +</pre> + <p> + I fancy I need not tell my reader that John often changed colour as he + read, and that his fingers itched to give Nic. a good slap on the chops, + but he wisely moderated his choleric temper. *"I saved this fellow," quoth + he, "from the gallows when he ran away from his last master, because I + thought he was harshly treated; but the rogue was no sooner safe under my + protection than he began to lie, pilfer, and steal like the devil. When I + first set him up in a warm house he had hardly put up his sign when he + began to debauch my best customers from me. *Then it was his constant + practice to rob my fish-ponds, not only to feed his family, but to trade + with the fishmongers. I connived at the fellow till he began to tell me + that they were his as much as mine. In my manor of *Eastcheap, because it + lay at some distance from my constant inspection, he broke down my fences, + robbed my orchards, and beat my servants." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Complaints against the Dutch for encroachment in trade, + fishery, East Indies, etc. The war with the Dutch on these + accounts. +</pre> + <p> + "When I used to reprimand him for his tricks he would talk saucily, lie, + and brazen it out as if he had done nothing amiss. 'Will nothing cure thee + of thy pranks, Nic.?' quoth I; 'I shall be forced some time or other to + chastise thee.' The rogue got up his cane and threatened me, and was well + thwacked for his pains. But I think his behaviour at this time worst of + all; after I have almost drowned myself to keep his head above water, he + would leave me sticking in the mud, trusting to his goodness to help me + out. After I have beggared myself with his troublesome lawsuit, with a + plague to him! he takes it in mighty dudgeon because I have brought him + here to end matters amicably, and because I won't let him make me over by + deed and indenture as his lawful cully, which to my certain knowledge he + has attempted several times. But, after all, canst thou gather grapes from + thorns? Nic. does not pretend to be a gentleman; he is a tradesman, a + self-seeking wretch. But how camest thou to hear all this, John? The + reason is plain; thou conferrest the benefits and he receives them; the + first produces love, and the last ingratitude. Ah Nic., Nic., thou art a + damned dog, that's certain; thou knowest too well that I will take care of + thee, else thou wouldst not use me thus. I won't give thee up, it is true; + but as true as it is, thou shalt not sell me, according to thy laudable + custom." While John was deep in this soliloquy Nic. broke out into the + following protestation:— + </p> + <p> + "Gentlemen,—I believe everybody here present will allow me to be a + very just and disinterested person. My friend John Bull here is very angry + with me, forsooth, because I won't agree to his foolish bargains. Now I + declare to all mankind I should be ready to sacrifice my own concerns to + his quiet, but the care of his interest, and that of the honest tradesmen* + that are embarked with us, keeps me from entering into this composition. + What shall become of those poor creatures? The thoughts of their impending + ruin disturb my night's rest; therefore I desire they may speak for + themselves. If they are willing to give up this affair, I sha'n't make two + words of it." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * The Allies. +</pre> + <p> + John Bull begged him to lay aside that immoderate concern for him, and + withal put him in mind that the interest of those tradesmen had not sat + quite so heavy upon him some years ago on a like occasion. Nic. answered + little to that, but immediately pulled out a boatswain's whistle. Upon the + first whiff the tradesmen came jumping into the room, and began to + surround Lewis like so many yelping curs about a great boar; or, to use a + modester simile, like duns at a great lord's levee the morning he goes + into the country. One pulled him by his sleeve, another by the skirt, a + third hallooed in the ear. They began to ask him for all that had been + taken from their forefathers by stealth, fraud, force, or lawful purchase. + Some asked for manors, others for acres that lay convenient for them; that + he would pull down his fences, level his ditches. All agreed in one common + demand that he should be purged, sweated, vomited, and starved, till he + came to a sizeable bulk like that of his neighbours. One modestly asked + him leave to call him brother. Nic. Frog demanded two things—to be + his porter and his fishmonger, to keep the keys of his gates and furnish + the kitchen. John's sister Peg only desired that he would let his servants + sing psalms a-Sundays. Some descended even to the asking of old clothes, + shoes and boots, broken bottles, tobacco-pipes, and ends of candles. + </p> + <p> + "Monsieur Bull," quoth Lewis, "you seem to be a man of some breeding; for + God's sake use your interest with these Messieurs, that they would speak + but one at once; for if one had a hundred pair of hands, and as many + tongues, he cannot satisfy them all at this rate." John begged they might + proceed with some method; then they stopped all of a sudden and would not + say a word. "If this be your play," quoth John, "that we may not be like a + Quaker's dumb meeting, let us begin some diversion; what d'ye think of + rouly-pouly or a country dance? What if we should have a match at + football? I am sure we shall never end matters at this rate." + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0033" id="link2HCH0033"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XVI. How John Bull and Nic. Frog settled their Accounts. + </h2> + <h3> + JOHN BULL.—During this general cessation of talk, what if you and I, + Nic., should inquire how money matters stand between us? + </h3> + <p> + NIC. FROG.—With all my heart; I love exact dealing. And let Hocus + audit; he knows how the money was disbursed. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—I am not much for that at present; we'll settle it + between ourselves. Fair and square, Nic., keeps friends together. There + have been laid out in this lawsuit, at one time, 36,000 pounds and 40,000 + crowns. In some cases I, in others you, bear the greatest proportion. + </p> + <p> + NIC FROG.—Right; I pay three-fifths of the greatest number, and you + pay two-thirds of the lesser number. I think this is fair and square, as + you call it. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—Well, go on. + </p> + <p> + NIC FROG.—Two-thirds of 36,000 pounds are 24,000 pounds for your + share, and there remains 12,000 for mine. Again, of the 40,000 crowns I + pay 24,000, which is three-fifths, and you pay only 16,000, which is + two-fifths; 24,000 crowns make 6,000 pounds, and 16,000 crowns make 4,000 + pounds; 12,000 and 16,000 make 18,000, 24,000 and 4,000 make 28,000. So + there are 18,000 pounds to my share of the expenses, and 28,000 to yours. + </p> + <p> + After Nic. had bamboozled John awhile about the 18,000 and the 28,000, + John called for counters; but what with sleight of hand, and taking from + his own score and adding to John's, Nic. brought the balance always on his + own side. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—Nay, good friend Nic., though I am not quite so nimble in + the fingers, I understand ciphering as well as you. I will produce you my + accounts one by one, fairly writ out of my own books; and here I begin + with the first. You must excuse me if I don't pronounce the law terms + right. + </p> + <p> + [John reads.] + </p> + <p> + For the expenses ordinary of the suits, fees to judges, puisne judges, + lawyers innumerable of all sorts:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Of extraordinaries, as follows per account.. + To Esquire South's account for post terminums.. + To ditto for non est factums.. + To ditto for noli prosequis, discontinuance, and retraxit.. + For writs of error.. + Suits of conditions unperformed.. + To Hocus for dedimus protestatem.. + To ditto for a capias ad computandum.. + To Frog's new tenants per account to Hocus, for audita querelas.. + On the said account for writs of ejectment and distringas.. + To Esquire South's quota for a return of a non est invent + and nulla habet bona.. + To —— for a pardon in forma pauperis.. + To Jack for a melius inquirendum upon a felo-de-se.. + To coach-hire.. + For treats to juries and witnesses.. +</pre> + <p> + John having read over his articles, with the respective sums, brought in + Frog debtor to him upon the balance, 3,382 pounds 12 shillings. + </p> + <p> + Then Nic. Frog pulled his bill out of his pocket, and began to read. + </p> + <p> + Nicholas Frog's Account. + </p> + <p> + Remains to be deducted out of the former Account. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Paid by Nic. Frog for his share of the ordinary expenses of the suit + .. + To Hocus for entries of a rege inconsulto.. + To John Bull's nephew for a venire facias, the money not yet all + laid out.. + The coach-hire for my wife and family, and the carriage of my goods + during the + time of this lawsuit.. + For the extraordinary expenses of feeding my family during this + lawsuit.. + To Major Ab... + To Major Will... +</pre> + <p> + And summing all up, found due upon the balance by John Bull to Nic. Frog, + 9 pounds 4 shillings and 6 pence. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—As for your venire facias, I have paid you for one + already; in the other I believe you will be nonsuited. I'll take care of + my nephew myself. Your coach-hire and family charges are most unreasonable + deductions; at that rate, I can bring in any man in the world my debtor. + But who the devil are those two majors that consume all my money? I find + they always run away with the balance in all accounts. + </p> + <p> + NIC. FROG.—Two very honest gentlemen, I assure you, that have done + me some service. To tell you plainly, Major Ab. denotes thy greater + ability, and Major Will. thy greater willingness to carry on this lawsuit. + It was but reasonable thou shouldst pay both for thy power and thy + positiveness. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—I believe I shall have those two honest majors' discount + on my side in a little time. + </p> + <p> + NIC. FROG.—Why all this higgling with thy friend about such a paltry + sum? Does this become the generosity of the noble and rich John Bull? I + wonder thou art not ashamed. Oh, Hocus! Hocus! where art thou? It used to + go another-guess manner in thy time. When a poor man has almost undone + himself for thy sake, thou art for fleecing him, and fleecing him. Is that + thy conscience, John? + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—Very pleasant, indeed! It is well known thou retainest + thy lawyers by the year, so a fresh lawsuit adds but little to thy + expenses; they are thy customers;* I hardly ever sell them a + farthing's-worth of anything. Nay, thou hast set up an eating-house, where + the whole tribe of them spend all they can rap or run. If it were well + reckoned, I believe thou gettest more of my money than thou spendest of + thy own. However, if thou wilt needs plead poverty, own at least that thy + accounts are false. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * The money spent in Holland and Flanders. +</pre> + <p> + NIC. FROG.—No, marry won't I; I refer myself to these honest + gentlemen—let them judge between us. Let Esquire South speak his + mind, whether my accounts are not right, and whether we ought not to go on + with our lawsuit. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—Consult the butchers about keeping of Lent. Dost think + that John Bull will be tried by piepowders? I tell you, once for all, John + Bull knows where his shoe pinches. None of your esquires shall give him + the law as long as he wears this trusty weapon by his side, or has an inch + of broadcloth in his shop. + </p> + <p> + NIC. FROG.—Why, there it is: you will be both judge and party. I am + sorry thou discoverest so much of thy headstrong humour before these + strange gentlemen; I have often told thee it would prove thy ruin some + time or other. Let it never be said that the famous John Bull has departed + in despite of Court. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—And will it not reflect as much on thy character, Nic., + to turn barretter in thy old days—a stirrer-up of quarrels amongst + thy neighbours? I tell thee, Nic., some time or other thou wilt repent + this. + </p> + <p> + But John saw clearly he should have nothing but wrangling, and that he + should have as little success in settling his accounts as ending the + composition. "Since they will needs overload my shoulders," quoth John, "I + shall throw down the burden with a squash amongst them, take it up who + dares. A man has a fine time of it amongst a combination of sharpers that + vouch for one another's honesty. John, look to thyself; old Lewis makes + reasonable offers. When thou hast spent the small pittance that is left, + thou wilt make a glorious figure when thou art brought to live upon Nic. + Frog and Esquire South's generosity and gratitude. If they use thee thus + when they want thee, what will they do when thou wantest them? I say + again, John, look to thyself." + </p> + <p> + John wisely stifled his resentments, and told the company that in a little + time he should give them law, or something better. + </p> + <p> + ALL.—*Law! law! sir, by all means. What is twenty-two poor years + towards the finishing a lawsuit? For the love of God, more law, sir! + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Clamours for continuing the war. +</pre> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—Prepare your demands how many years more of law you want, + that I may order my affairs accordingly. In the meanwhile, farewell. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0034" id="link2HCH0034"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XVII. How John Bull found all his Family in an Uproar at Home.* + </h2> + <p> + Nic. Frog, who thought of nothing but carrying John to the market, and + there disposing of him as his own proper goods, was mad to find that John + thought himself now of age to look after his own affairs. He resolved to + traverse this new project, and to make him uneasy in his own family. He + had corrupted or deluded most of his servants into the most extravagant + conceits in the world: that their master was run mad, and wore a dagger in + one pocket and poison in the other; that he had sold his wife and children + to Lewis, disinherited his heir, and was going to settle his estate upon a + parish-boy; that if they did not look after their master, he would do some + very mischievous thing. When John came home, he found a more surprising + scene than any he had yet met with, and that you will say was somewhat + extraordinary. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Clamours about the danger of the succession. +</pre> + <p> + He called his cook-maid Betty to bespeak his dinner. Betty told him "That + she begged his pardon, she could not dress dinner till she knew what he + intended to do with his will." "Why, Betty," quoth John, "thou art not run + mad, art thou? My will at present is to have dinner." "That may be," quoth + Betty, "but my conscience won't allow me to dress it till I know whether + you intend to do righteous things by your heir." "I am sorry for that, + Betty," quoth John; "I must find somebody else, then." Then he called John + the barber. "Before I begin," quoth John, "I hope your honour won't be + offended if I ask you whether you intend to alter your will? If you won't + give me a positive answer your beard may grow down to your middle for me." + "'Igad, so it shall," quoth Bull, "for I will never trust my throat in + such a mad fellow's hands. Where's Dick the butler?" "Look ye," quoth + Dick, "I am very willing to serve you in my calling, d'you see, but there + are strange reports, and plain-dealing is best, d'ye see. I must be + satisfied if you intend to leave all to your nephew and if Nic. Frog is + still your executor, d'ye see. If you will not satisfy me as to these + points you may drink with the ducks." "And so I will," quoth John, "rather + than keep a butler that loves my heir better than myself." Hob the + shoemaker, and Pricket the tailor, told him they would most willingly + serve him in their several stations if he would promise them never to talk + with Lewis Baboon, and let Nicholas Frog, linen-draper, manage his + concerns; that they could neither make shoes nor clothes to any that were + not in good correspondence with their worthy friend Nicholas. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—Call Andrew, my journeyman. How goes affairs, Andrew? I + hope the devil has not taken possession of thy body too. + </p> + <p> + ANDREW.—No, sir; I only desire to know what you would do if you were + dead? + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—Just as other dead folks do, Andrew. [Aside.] This is + amazing! + </p> + <p> + ANDREW.—I mean if your nephew shall inherit your estate. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—That depends upon himself. I shall do nothing to hinder + him. + </p> + <p> + ANDREW.—But will you make it sure? + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—Thou meanest that I should put him in possession, for I + can make it no surer without that. He has all the law can give him. + </p> + <p> + ANDREW.—Indeed, possession, as you say, would make it much surer. + They say it is eleven points of the law. + </p> + <p> + John began now to think that they were all enchanted. He inquired about + the age of the moon, if Nic. had not given them some intoxicating potion, + or if old Mother Jenisa was still alive? "No, o' my faith," quoth Harry, + "I believe there is no potion in the case but a little aurum potabile. You + will have more of this by-and-by." He had scarce spoken the word when + another friend of John's accosted him after the following manner:— + </p> + <p> + "Since those worthy persons, who are as much concerned for your safety as + I am, have employed me as their orator, I desire to know whether you will + have it by way of syllogism, enthymem, dilemma, or sorites?" + </p> + <p> + John now began to be diverted with their extravagance. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—Let's have a sorites by all means, though they are all + new to me. + </p> + <p> + FRIEND.—It is evident to all that are versed in history that there + were two sisters that played false two thousand years ago. Therefore it + plainly follows that it is not lawful for John Bull to have any manner of + intercourse with Lewis Baboon. If it is not lawful for John Bull to have + any manner of intercourse (correspondence, if you will, that is much the + same thing) then, a fortiori, it is much more unlawful for the said John + to make over his wife and children to the said Lewis. If his wife and + children are not to be made over, he is not to wear a dagger and ratsbane + in his pockets. If he wears a dagger and ratsbane, it must be to do + mischief to himself or somebody else. If he intends to do mischief, he + ought to be under guardians, and there is none so fit as myself and some + other worthy persons who have a commission for that purpose from Nic. + Frog, the executor of his will and testament. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—And this is your sorites, you say? + </p> + <p> + With that he snatched a good tough oaken cudgel, and began to brandish it. + Then happy was the man that was first at the door. Crowding to get out, + they tumbled down-stairs. And it is credibly reported some of them dropped + very valuable things in the hurry, which were picked up by others of the + family. + </p> + <p> + "That any of these rogues," quoth John, "should imagine I am not as much + concerned as they about having my affairs in a settled condition, or that + I would wrong my heir for I know not what! Well, Nic., I really cannot but + applaud thy diligence. I must own this is really a pretty sort of a trick, + but it sha'n't do thy business, for all that." + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0035" id="link2HCH0035"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XVIII. How Lewis Baboon came to visit John Bull, and what passed + between them. * + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Private negotiations about Dunkirk. +</pre> + <p> + I think it is but ingenuous to acquaint the reader that this chapter was + not wrote by Sir Humphrey himself, but by another very able pen of the + university of Grub Street. + </p> + <p> + John had, by some good instructions given him by Sir Roger, got the better + of his choleric temper, and wrought himself up to a great steadiness of + mind to pursue his own interest through all impediments that were thrown + in the way. He began to leave off some of his old acquaintance, his + roaring and bullying about the streets. He put on a serious air, knit his + brows, and, for the time, had made a very considerable progress in + politics, considering that he had been kept a stranger to his own affairs. + However, he could not help discovering some remains of his nature when he + happened to meet with a football or a match at cricket, for which Sir + Roger was sure to take him to task. John was walking about his room with + folded arms and a most thoughtful countenance. His servant brought him + word that one Lewis Baboon below wanted to speak with him. John had got an + impression that Lewis was so deadly cunning a man that he was afraid to + venture himself alone with him. At last he took heart of grace. "Let him + come up," quoth he; "it is but sticking to my point, and he can never + over-reach me." + </p> + <p> + LEWIS BABOON.—Monsieur Bull, I will frankly acknowledge that my + behaviour to my neighbours has been somewhat uncivil, and I believe you + will readily grant me that I have met with usage accordingly. I was fond + of back-sword and cudgel-play from my youth, and I now bear in my body + many a black and blue gash and scar, God knows. I had as good a warehouse + and as fair possessions as any of my neighbours, though I say it. But a + contentious temper, flattering servants, and unfortunate stars have + brought me into circumstances that are not unknown to you. These my + misfortunes are heightened by domestic calamities. That I need not relate. + I am a poor old battered fellow, and I would willingly end my days in + peace. But, alas! I see but small hopes of that, for every new + circumstance affords an argument to my enemies to pursue their revenge. + Formerly I was to be banged because I was too strong, and now because I am + too weak to resist; I am to be brought down when too rich, and oppressed + when too poor. Nic. Frog has used me like a scoundrel. You are a + gentleman, and I freely put myself in your hands to dispose of me as you + think fit. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—Look you, Master Baboon, as to your usage of your + neighbours, you had best not dwell too much upon that chapter. Let it + suffice at present that you have been met with. You have been rolling a + great stone up-hill all your life, and at last it has come tumbling down + till it is like to crush you to pieces. Plain-dealing is best. If you have + any particular mark, Mr. Baboon, whereby one may know when you fib and + when you speak truth, you had best tell it me, that one may proceed + accordingly. But since at present I know of none such, it is better that + you should trust me than that I should trust you. + </p> + <p> + LEWIS BABOON.—I know of no particular mark of veracity amongst us + tradesmen but interest; and it is manifestly mine not to deceive you at + this time. You may safely trust me, I can assure you. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—The trust I give is, in short, this: I must have + something in hand before I make the bargain, and the rest before it is + concluded. + </p> + <p> + LEWIS BABOON.—To show you I deal fairly, name your something. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—I need not tell thee, old boy; thou canst guess. + </p> + <p> + LEWIS BABOON.—Ecclesdown Castle,* I'll warrant you, because it has + been formerly in your family. Say no more; you shall have it. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Dunkirk. +</pre> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—I shall have it to my own self? + </p> + <p> + LEWIS BABOON.—To thine own self. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—Every wall, gate, room, and inch of Ecclesdown Castle, + you say? + </p> + <p> + LEWIS BABOON.—Just so. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—Every single stone of Ecclesdown Castle, to my own self, + speedily? + </p> + <p> + LEWIS BABOON.—When you please; what needs more words? + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—But tell me, old boy, hast thou laid aside all thy + equivocals and mentals in this case? + </p> + <p> + LEWIS BABOON.—There's nothing like matter of fact; seeing is + believing. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—Now thou talkest to the purpose; let us shake hands, old + boy. Let me ask thee one question more; what hast thou to do to meddle + with the affairs of my family? to dispose of my estate, old boy? + </p> + <p> + LEWIS BABOON.—Just as much as you have to do with the affairs of + Lord Strutt. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—Ay, but my trade, my very being was concerned in that. + </p> + <p> + LEWIS BABOON.—And my interest was concerned in the other. But let us + drop both our pretences; for I believe it is a moot point, whether I am + more likely to make a Master Bull, or you a Lord Strutt. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—Agreed, old boy; but then I must have security that I + shall carry my broadcloth to market, old boy. + </p> + <p> + LEWIS BABOON.—That you shall: Ecclesdown Castle! Ecclesdown! + Remember that. Why wouldst thou not take it when it was offered thee some + years ago? + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—I would not take it, because they told me thou wouldst + not give it me. + </p> + <p> + LEWIS BABOON.—How could Monsieur Bull be so grossly abused by + downright nonsense? they that advised you to refuse, must have believed I + intended to give, else why would they not make the experiment? But I can + tell you more of that matter than perhaps you know at present. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—But what say'st thou as to the Esquire, Nic. Frog, and + the rest of the tradesmen? I must take care of them. + </p> + <p> + LEWIS BABOON.—Thou hast but small obligations to Nic. to my certain + knowledge: he has not used me like a gentleman. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—Nic. indeed is not very nice in your punctilios of + ceremony; he is clownish, as a man may say: belching and calling of names + have been allowed him time out of mind, by prescription: but, however, we + are engaged in one common cause, and I must look after him. + </p> + <p> + LEWIS BABOON.—All matters that relate to him, and the rest of the + plaintiff's in this lawsuit, I will refer to your justice. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0036" id="link2HCH0036"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XIX. Nic. Frog's letter to John Bull: wherein he endeavours to + vindicate all his conduct, with relation to John Bull and the lawsuit. + </h2> + <p> + Nic. perceived now that his Cully had eloped, that John intended + henceforth to deal without a broker; but he was resolved to leave no stone + unturned to cover his bubble. Amongst other artifices he wrote a most + obliging letter, which he sent him printed in a fair character. + </p> + <p> + "DEAR FRIEND,—When I consider the late ill-usage I have met with + from you, I was reflecting what it was that could provoke you to it, but + upon a narrow inspection into my conduct, I can find nothing to reproach + myself with but too partial a concern for your interest. You no sooner set + this composition afoot but I was ready to comply, and prevented your very + wishes; and the affair might have been ended before now, had it not been + for the greater concerns of Esquire South and the other poor creatures + embarked in the same common cause, whose safety touches me to the quick. + You seemed a little jealous that I had dealt unfairly with you in + money-matters, till it appeared by your own accounts that there was + something due to me upon the balance. Having nothing to answer to so plain + a demonstration, you began to complain as if I had been familiar with your + reputation; when it is well known not only I, but the meanest servants in + my family, talk of you with the utmost respect. I have always, as far as + in me lies, exhorted your servants and tenants to be dutiful; not that I + any way meddle in your domestic affairs, which were very unbecoming for me + to do. If some of your servants express their great concern for you in a + manner that is not so very polite, you ought to impute it to their + extraordinary zeal, which deserves a reward rather than a reproof. You + cannot reproach me for want of success at the 'Salutation,' since I am not + master of the passions and interests of other folks. I have beggared + myself with this lawsuit, undertaken merely in complaisance to you; and if + you would have had but a little patience, I had still greater things in + reserve, that I intended to have done for you. I hope what I have said + will prevail with you to lay aside your unreasonable jealousies, and that + we may have no more meetings at the 'Salutation,' spending our time and + money to no purpose. My concern for your welfare and prosperity almost + makes me mad. You may be assured I will continue to be + </p> + <p> + "Your affectionate + </p> + <p> + "Friend and Servant, + </p> + <p> + "Nic. Frog."* + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Substance of the States letter. +</pre> + <p> + John received this with a good deal of sang-froid; "Transeat," quoth John, + "cum caeteris erroribus." He was now at his ease; he saw he could now make + a very good bargain for himself, and a very safe one for other folks. "My + shirt," quoth he, "is near me, but my skin is nearer. Whilst I take care + of the welfare of other folks, nobody can blame me to apply a little + balsam to my own sores. It's a pretty thing, after all, for a man to do + his own business; a man has such a tender concern for himself, there's + nothing like it. This is somewhat better, I trow, than for John Bull to be + standing in the market, like a great dray-horse, with Frog's paws upon his + head. What will you give me for this beast? Serviteur Nic. Frog, though + John Bull has not read your Aristotles, Platos, and Machiavels, he can see + as far into a mill-stone as another." With that John began to chuckle and + laugh till he was like to have burst his sides. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0037" id="link2HCH0037"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XX. The discourse that passed between Nic. Frog and Esquire South, + which John Bull overheard.* + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Negotiations between the Emperor and the Dutch for + continuing the war, and getting the property of Flanders. +</pre> + <p> + John thought every minute a year till he got into Ecclesdown Castle; he + repairs to the "Salutation" with a design to break the matter gently to + his partners. Before he entered he overheard Nic. and the Esquire in a + very pleasant conference. + </p> + <p> + ESQUIRE SOUTH.—Oh, the ingratitude and injustice of mankind! That + John Bull, whom I have honoured with my friendship and protection so long, + should flinch at last, and pretend that he can disburse no more money for + me! that the family of the Souths, by his sneaking temper, should be kept + out of their own! + </p> + <p> + NIC. FROG.—An't like your worship, I am in amaze at it; I think the + rogue should be compelled to his duty. + </p> + <p> + ESQUIRE SOUTH.—That he should prefer his scandalous pelf, the dust + and dregs of the earth, to the prosperity and grandeur of my family! + </p> + <p> + NIC. FROG.—Nay, he is mistaken there, too; for he would quickly lick + himself whole again by his vails. It's strange he should prefer Philip + Baboon's custom to Esquire South's. + </p> + <p> + ESQUIRE SOUTH.—As you say, that my clothier, that is to get so much + by the purchase, should refuse to put me in possession; did you ever know + any man's tradesman serve him so before? + </p> + <p> + NIC. FROG.—No, indeed, an't please your worship, it is a very + unusual proceeding; and I would not have been guilty of it for the world. + If your honour had not a great stock of moderation and patience, you would + not bear it so well as you do. + </p> + <p> + ESQUIRE SOUTH.—It is most intolerable, that's certain, Nic., and I + will be revenged. + </p> + <p> + NIC. FROG.—Methinks it is strange that Philip Baboon's tenants do + not all take your honour's part, considering how good and gentle a master + you are. + </p> + <p> + ESQUIRE SOUTH.—True, Nic., but few are sensible of merit in this + world. It is a great comfort to have so faithful a friend as thyself in so + critical a juncture. + </p> + <p> + NIC. FROG.—If all the world should forsake you, be assured Nic. Frog + never will; let us stick to our point, and we'll manage Bull, I'll warrant + ye. + </p> + <p> + ESQUIRE SOUTH.—Let me kiss thee, dear Nic.; I have found one honest + man among a thousand at last. + </p> + <p> + NIC. FROG.—If it were possible, your honour has it in your power to + wed me still closer to your interest. + </p> + <p> + ESQUIRE SOUTH.—Tell me quickly, dear Nic. + </p> + <p> + NIC. FROG.—You know I am your tenant; the difference between my + lease and an inheritance is such a trifle as I am sure you will not grudge + your poor friend. That will be an encouragement to go on; besides, it will + make Bull as mad as the devil: you and I shall be able to manage him then + to some purpose. + </p> + <p> + ESQUIRE SOUTH.—Say no more; it shall be done, Nic., to thy heart's + content. + </p> + <p> + John all this while was listening to this comical dialogue, and laughed + heartily in his sleeve at the pride and simplicity of the Esquire, and the + sly roguery of his friend Nic. Then of a sudden bolting into the room, he + began to tell them that he believed he had brought Lewis to reasonable + terms, if they would please to hear them. + </p> + <p> + Then they all bawled out aloud, "No composition: long live Esquire South + and the Law!" As John was going to proceed, some roared, some stamped with + their feet, others stopped their ears with their fingers. + </p> + <p> + "Nay, gentlemen," quoth John, "if you will but stop proceeding for a + while, you shall judge yourselves whether Lewis's proposals* are + reasonable." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Proposals for cessation of arms and delivery of Dunkirk. +</pre> + <p> + ALL.—Very fine, indeed; stop proceeding, and so lose a term. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—Not so neither; we have something by way of advance: he + will put us in possession of his Manor and Castle of Ecclesdown. + </p> + <p> + NIC. FROG.—What dost talk of us? thou meanest thyself. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—When Frog took possession of anything, it was always said + to be for us, and why may not John Bull be us as well as Nic. Frog was us? + I hope John Bull is no more confined to singularity than Nic. Frog; or, + take it so, the constant doctrine that thou hast preached up for many + years was that thou and I are one; and why must we be supposed two in this + case, that were always one before? It's impossible that thou and I can + fall out, Nic.; we must trust one another. I have trusted thee with a + great many things—prithee trust me with this one trifle. + </p> + <p> + NIC. FROG.—That principle is true in the main, but there is some + speciality in this case that makes it highly inconvenient for us both. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—Those are your jealousies, that the common enemies sow + between us: how often hast thou warned me of those rogues, Nic., that + would make us mistrustful of one another! + </p> + <p> + NIC. FROG.—This Ecclesdown Castle is only a bone of contention. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—It depends upon you to make it so; for my part, I am as + peaceable as a lamb. + </p> + <p> + NIC. FROG.—But do you consider the unwholesomeness of the air and + soil, the expenses of reparations and servants? I would scorn to accept of + such a quagmire. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—You are a great man, Nic., but in my circumstances I must + be e'en content to take it as it is. + </p> + <p> + NIC. FROG.—And you are really so silly as to believe the old + cheating rogue will give it you? + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—I believe nothing but matter of fact; I stand and fall by + that. I am resolved to put him to it. + </p> + <p> + NIC. FROG.—And so relinquish the hopefullest cause in the world: a + claim that will certainly in the end make thy fortune for ever. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—Wilt thou purchase it, Nic.? thou shalt have a lumping + pennyworth; nay, rather than we should differ, I'll give thee something to + take it off my hands. + </p> + <p> + NIC. FROG.—If thou wouldst but moderate that hasty, impatient temper + of thine, thou shouldst quickly see a better thing than all that. What + shouldst thou think to find old Lewis turned out of his paternal estates + and mansion-house of Claypool?* Would not that do thy heart good, to see + thy old friend, Nic. Frog, Lord of Claypool? Then thou and thy wife and + children should walk in my gardens, buy toys, drink lemonade, and now and + then we should have a country dance. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Claypool, Paris—Lutetia. +</pre> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—I love to be plain: I'd as lief see myself in Ecclesdown + Castle as thee in Claypool. I tell you again, Lewis gives this as a pledge + of his sincerity; if you won't stop proceeding to hear him, I will. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0038" id="link2HCH0038"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXI. The rest of Nic.'s fetches to keep John out of Ecclesdown + Castle.* + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Attempts to hinder the cessation, and taking possession of + Dunkirk. +</pre> + <p> + When Nic. could not dissuade John by argument, he tried to move his pity; + he pretended to be sick and like to die; that he should leave his wife and + children in a starving condition, if John did abandon him; that he was + hardly able to crawl about the room, far less capable to look after such a + troublesome business as this lawsuit, and therefore begged that his good + friend would not leave him. When he saw that John was still inexorable, he + pulled out a case-knife, with which he used to snicker-snee, and + threatened to cut his own throat. Thrice he aimed the knife to his + windpipe with a most determined threatening air. "What signifies life," + quoth he, "in this languishing condition? It will be some pleasure that my + friends will revenge my death upon this barbarous man that has been the + cause of it." All this while John looked sedate and calm, neither offering + in the least to snatch the knife, nor stop his blow, trusting to the + tenderness Nic. had for his own person. When he perceived that John was + immovable in his purpose, he applied himself to Lewis. + </p> + <p> + "Art thou," quoth he, "turned bubble in thy old age, from being a sharper + in thy youth? What occasion hast thou to give up Ecclesdown Castle to John + Bull? His friendship is not worth a rush. Give it me, and I'll make it + worth thy while. If thou dislikest that proposition, keep it thyself; I'd + rather thou shouldst have it than he. If thou hearkenest not to my advice, + take what follows; Esquire South and I will go on with our lawsuit in + spite of John Bull's teeth." + </p> + <p> + LEWIS BABOON.—Monsieur Bull has used me like a gentleman, and I am + resolved to make good my promise, and trust him for the consequences. + </p> + <p> + NIC. FROG.—Then I tell thee thou art an old doating fool.—With + that Nic. bounced up with a spring equal to that of one of your nimblest + tumblers or rope-dancers, and fell foul upon John Bull, to snatch the + cudgel* he had in his hand, that he might thwack Lewis with it: John held + it fast so that there was no wrenching it from him. At last Squire South + buckled to, to assist his friend Nic.: John hauled on one side, and they + two on the other. Sometimes they were like to pull John over, then it went + all of a sudden again on John's side, so they went see-sawing up and down, + from one end of the room to the other. Down tumbled the tables, bottles, + glasses, and tobacco-pipes; the wine and the tobacco were all spilt about + the room, and the little fellows were almost trod under foot, till more of + the tradesmen joining with Nic. and the Squire, John was hardly able to + pull against then all, yet would he never quit hold of his trusty cudgel: + which by the contrary force of two so great powers broke short in his + hands.** Nic. seized the longer end, and with it began to bastinado old + Lewis, who had slunk into a corner, waiting the event of this squabble. + Nic. came up to him with an insolent menacing air, so that the old fellow + was forced to scuttle out of the room, and retire behind a dung-cart. He + called to Nic., "Thou insolent jackanapes, time was when thou durst not + have used me so; thou now takest me unprovided; but, old and infirm as I + am, I shall find a weapon by-and-by to chastise thy impudence." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * The army. + + ** The separation of the army. +</pre> + <p> + When John Bull had recovered his breath, he began to parley with Nic.: + "Friend Nic., I am glad to find thee so strong after thy great complaints; + really thy motions, Nic., are pretty vigorous for a consumptive man. As + for thy worldly affairs, Nic., if it can do thee any service, I freely + make over to thee this profitable lawsuit, and I desire all these + gentlemen to bear witness to this my act and deed. Yours be all the gain, + as mine has been the charges. I have brought it to bear finely: however, + all I have laid out upon it goes for nothing—thou shalt have it with + all its appurtenances; I ask nothing but leave to go home." + </p> + <p> + NIC. FROG.—The counsel are fee'd, and all things prepared for a + trial; thou shalt be forced to stand the issue; it shall be pleaded in thy + name as well as mine. Go home if thou canst; the gates are shut, the + turnpikes locked, and the roads barricaded.* + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Difficulty of the march of part of the army to Dunkirk. +</pre> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—Even these very ways, Nic., that thou toldest me were as + open to me as thyself, if I can't pass with my own equipage, what can I + expect for my goods and wagons? I am denied passage through those very + grounds that I have purchased with my own money. However, I am glad I have + made the experiment; it may serve me in some stead. + </p> + <p> + John Bull was so overjoyed that he was going to take possession of + Ecclesdown, that nothing could vex him. "Nic.," quoth he, "I am just + a-going to leave thee; cast a kind look upon me at parting." + </p> + <p> + Nic. looked sour and glum, and would not open his mouth. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—I wish thee all the success that thy heart can desire, + and that these honest gentlemen of the long robe may have their belly full + of law. + </p> + <p> + Nic. could stand it no longer, but flung out of the room with disdain, and + beckoned the lawyers to follow him. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—B'ye, b'ye, Nic,; not one poor smile at parting? won't + you shake your day-day, Nic? b'ye, Nic.—With that John marched out + of the common road, across the country, to take possession of Ecclesdown. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0039" id="link2HCH0039"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXII. Of the great joy that John expressed when he got possession + of Ecclesdown.* + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Dunkirk. +</pre> + <p> + When John had got into his castle he seemed like Ulysses upon his plank + after he had been well soused in salt water, who, as Homer says, was as + glad as a judge going to sit down to dinner after hearing a long cause + upon the bench. I daresay John Bull's joy was equal to that of either of + the two; he skipped from room to room, ran up-stairs and down-stairs, from + the kitchen to the garrets, and from the garrets to the kitchen; he peeped + into every cranny; sometimes he admired the beauty of the architecture and + the vast solidity of the mason's work; at other times he commended the + symmetry and proportion of the rooms. He walked about the gardens; he + bathed himself in the canal, swimming, diving, and beating the liquid + element like a milk-white swan. The hall resounded with the sprightly + violin and the martial hautbois. The family tripped it about, and capered + like hailstones bounding from a marble floor. Wine, ale, and October flew + about as plentifully as kennel-water. Then a frolic took John in the head + to call up some of Nic. Frog's pensioners that had been so mutinous in his + family. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—Are you glad to see your master in Ecclesdown Castle? + </p> + <p> + ALL.—Yes, indeed, sir. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—Extremely glad? + </p> + <p> + ALL.—Extremely glad, sir. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—Swear to me that you are so. + </p> + <p> + Then they began to sink their souls to the lowest pit if any person in the + world rejoiced more than they did. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—Now hang me if I don't believe you are a parcel of + perjured rascals; however, take this bumper of October to your master's + health. + </p> + <p> + Then John got upon the battlements, and looking over he called to Nic. + Frog.— + </p> + <p> + "How d'ye do, Nic.? D'ye see where I am, Nic.? I hope the cause goes on + swimmingly, Nic. When dost thou intend to go to Claypool, Nic.? Wilt thou + buy there some high heads of the newest cut for my daughters? How comest + thou to go with thy arm tied up? Has old Lewis given thee a rap over thy + fingers' ends? Thy weapon was a good one when I wielded it, but the + butt-end remains in my hands. I am so busy in packing up my goods that I + have no time to talk with thee any longer. It would do thy heart good to + see what wagon-loads I am preparing for market. If thou wantest any good + office of mine, for all that has happened I will use thee well, Nic. B'ye, + Nic." + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0045" id="link2H_4_0045"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + POSTSCRIPT. + </h2> + <p> + It has been disputed amongst the literati of Grub Street whether Sir + Humphry proceeded any farther into the history of John Bull. By diligent + inquiry we have found the titles of some chapters, which appear to be a + continuation of it, and are as follow:— + </p> + <p> + CHAP. I.—How John was made angry with the Articles of Agreement. How + he kicked the Parchment through the House, up-stairs and down-stairs, and + put himself in a great Heat thereby. + </p> + <p> + CHAP. II.—How in his Passion he was going to cut off Sir Roger's + head with a Cleaver. Of the strange manner of Sir Roger's escaping the + blow, by laying his Head upon the Dresser. + </p> + <p> + CHAP. III.—How some of John's Servants attempted to scale his House + with Rope Ladders, and how many unfortunately dangled in the same. + </p> + <p> + CHAP. IV.—Of the Methods by which John endeavoured to preserve the + Peace amongst his Neighbours. How he kept a pair of Stillyards to weigh + them, and by Diet, Purging, Vomiting, and Bleeding, tried to bring them to + equal Bulk and Strength. + </p> + <p> + CHAP. V.—Of False Accounts of the Weights given in by some of the + Journeymen, and of the Newmarket Tricks that were practised at the + Stillyards. + </p> + <p> + CHAP. VI.—How John's New Journeymen brought him other guess Accounts + of the Stillyards. + </p> + <p> + CHAP. VII.—How Sir Swain Northy* was, by Bleeding, Purging, and a + Steel Diet, brought into a Consumption, and how John was forced afterwards + to give him the Gold Cordial. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * King of Sweden. +</pre> + <p> + CHAP. VIII.—How Peter Bear* was overfed, and afterwards refused to + submit to the course of Physic. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Czar of Muscovy. +</pre> + <p> + CHAP. IX.—How John pampered Esquire South with Tit-bits, till he + grew wanton; how he got drunk with Calabrian Wine, and longed for Sicilian + Beef, and how John carried him thither in his barge. + </p> + <p> + CHAP. X.—How the Esquire, from a foul-feeder, grew dainty: how he + longed for Mangoes, Spices, and Indian Birds' Nests, etc., and could not + sleep but in a Chintz Bed. + </p> + <p> + CHAP. XI.—The Esquire turned Tradesman; how he set up a China Shop* + over against Nic. Frog. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * The Ostend Company. +</pre> + <p> + CHAP. XII.—How he procured Spanish Flies to blister his Neighbours, + and as a Provocative to himself. As likewise how he carried off Nic. + Frog's favourite Daughter. + </p> + <p> + CHAP. XIII.—How Nic. Frog, hearing the Girl squeak, went to call + John Bull as a Constable. + </p> + <p> + CHAP. XIV.—How John rose out of his Bed on a cold Morning to prevent + a Duel between Esq. South and Lord Strutt; how, to his great surprise, he + found the Combatants drinking Geneva in a Brandy Shop, with Nic.'s + favourite Daughter between them; how they both fell upon John, so that he + was forced to fight his way out. + </p> + <p> + CHAP. XV.—How John came with his Constable's Staff to rescue Nic.'s + Daughter, and break the Esquire's China Ware. + </p> + <p> + CHAP. XVI.—Commentary upon the Spanish Proverb, "Time and I against + any Two;" or Advice to Dogmatical Politicians exemplified in some New + Affairs between John Bull and Lewis Baboon. + </p> + <p> + CHAP. XVII.—A Discourse of the delightful Game of Quadrille. How + Lewis Baboon attempted to play a Game Solo in Clubs, and was bested; how + John called Lewis for his King, and was afraid that his own Partner should + have too many tricks; and how the Success and Skill of Quadrille depends + upon calling a right King. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's The History of John Bull, by John Arbuthnot + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE HISTORY OF JOHN BULL *** + +***** This file should be named 2643-h.htm or 2643-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/6/4/2643/ + +Produced by Les Bowler, and David Widger + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The History of John Bull + +Author: John Arbuthnot + +Commentator: Henry Morley + +Posting Date: December 22, 2008 [EBook #2643] +Release Date: May, 2001 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE HISTORY OF JOHN BULL *** + + + + +Produced by Les Bowler + + + + + +THE HISTORY OF JOHN BULL + +By John Arbuthnot, M.D. + + + + +INTRODUCTION BY HENRY MORLEY. + +This is the book which fixed the name and character of John Bull on +the English people. Though in one part of the story he is thin and long +nosed, as a result of trouble, generally he is suggested to us as "ruddy +and plump, with a pair of cheeks like a trumpeter," an honest tradesman, +simple and straightforward, easily cheated; but when he takes his +affairs into his own hands, acting with good plain sense, knowing very +well what he wants done, and doing it. + +The book was begun in the year 1712, and published in four successive +groups of chapters that dealt playfully, from the Tory point of view, +with public affairs leading up to the Peace of Utrecht. The Peace urged +and made by the Tories was in these light papers recommended to the +public. The last touches in the parable refer to the beginning of the +year 1713, when the Duke of Ormond separated his troops from those of +the Allies and went to receive Dunkirk as the stipulated condition of +cessation of arms. After the withdrawal of the British troops, Prince +Eugene was defeated by Marshal Villars at Denain, and other reverses +followed. The Peace of Utrecht was signed on the 31st of March. + +Some chapters in this book deal in like manner, from the point of view +of a good-natured Tory of Queen Anne's time, with the feuds of the +day between Church and Dissent. Other chapters unite with this topic +a playful account of another chief political event of the time--the +negotiation leading to the Act of Union between England and Scotland, +which received the Royal Assent on the 6th of March, 1707; John Bull +then consented to receive his "Sister Peg" into his house. The Church, +of course, is John Bull's mother; his first wife is a Whig Parliament, +his second wife a Tory Parliament, which first met in November, 1710. + +This "History of John Bull" began with the first of its four parts +entitled "Law is a Bottomless Pit, exemplified in the case of Lord +Strutt, John Bull, Nicholas Frog, and Lewis Baboon, who spent all they +had in a Law-suit." For Law put War--the War of the Spanish Succession; +for lawyers, soldiers; for sessions, campaigns; for verdicts, battles +won; for Humphry Hocus the attorney, Marlborough the general; for law +expenses, war expenses; and for aim of the whole, to aid the Tory policy +of peace with France. A second part followed, entitled "John Bull in his +Senses;" the third part was called "John Bull still in his Senses;" and +the fourth part, "Lewis Baboon turned Honest, and John Bull Politician." +The four parts were afterwards arranged into two, as they are here +reprinted, and published together as "The History of John Bull," with a +few notes by the author which sufficiently explain its drift. + +The author was John Arbuthnot, a physician, familiar friend of Pope and +Swift, whom Pope addressed as + + "Friend to my life, which did not you prolong, + The world had wanted many an idle song;" + +and of whom Swift said, that "he has more wit than we all have, and his +humanity is equal to his wit." "If there were a dozen Arbuthnots in the +world," said Swift, "I would burn 'Gulliver's Travels.'" + +Arbuthnot was of Swift's age, born in 1667, son of a Scotch Episcopal +clergyman, who lost his living at the Revolution. His sons--all trained +in High Church principles--left Scotland to seek their fortunes; John +came to London and taught mathematics. He took his degree of Doctor +of Medicine at St. Andrews in 1696; found use for mathematics in his +studies of medicine; became a Fellow of the Royal Society; and being by +chance at Epsom when Queen Anne's husband was taken ill, prescribed for +him so successfully that he was made in 1705 Physician Extraordinary, +and upon the occurrence of a vacancy in 1709 Physician in Ordinary, +to the Queen. Swift calls him her favourite physician. In 1710 he was +admitted Fellow of the Royal College of Physicians. That was Arbuthnot's +position in 1712-13 when, at the age of forty-five, he wrote this +"History of John Bull." He was personal friend of the Ministers whose +policy he supported, and especially of Harley, Earl of Oxford, the Sir +Roger of the History. + +After Queen Anne's death, and the coming of the Whigs to power, +Arbuthnot lost his office at Court. But he was the friend and physician +of all the wits; himself without literary ambition, allowing friends +to make what alterations they pleased in pieces that he wrote, or his +children to make kites of them. A couple of years before his death +he suffered deeply from the loss of the elder of his two sons. He was +himself afflicted then with stone, and retired to Hampstead to die. "A +recovery," he wrote to Swift, "is in my case and in my age impossible; +the kindest wish of my friends is euthanasia." He died in 1735. + + + + +AUTHOR'S PREFACE. + +When I was first called to the office of historiographer to John Bull, +he expressed himself to this purpose:--"Sir Humphrey Polesworth,* I know +you are a plain dealer; it is for that reason I have chosen you for this +important trust; speak the truth and spare not." That I might fulfil +those his honourable intentions, I obtained leave to repair to, and +attend him in his most secret retirements; and I put the journals of +all transactions into a strong box, to be opened at a fitting occasion, +after the manner of the historiographers of some eastern monarchs: this +I thought was the safest way; though I declare I was never afraid to be +chopped** by my master for telling of truth. It is from those journals +that my memoirs are compiled: therefore let not posterity a thousand +years hence look for truth in the voluminous annals of pedants, who are +entirely ignorant of the secret springs of great actions; if they do, +let me tell them they will be nebused.*** + + * A Member of Parliament, eminent for a certain cant in his + conversation, of which there is a good deal in this book. + + ** A cant word of Sir Humphrey's. + + *** Another cant word, signifying deceived. + +With incredible pains have I endeavoured to copy the several beauties +of the ancient and modern historians; the impartial temper of Herodotus, +the gravity, austerity, and strict morals of Thucydides, the extensive +knowledge of Xenophon, the sublimity and grandeur of Titus Livius; and +to avoid the careless style of Polybius, I have borrowed considerable +ornaments from Dionysius Halicarnasseus, and Diodorus Siculus. The +specious gilding of Tacitus I have endeavoured to shun. Mariana, Davila, +and Fra. Paulo, are those amongst the moderns whom I thought most +worthy of imitation; but I cannot be so disingenuous, as not to own the +infinite obligations I have to the "Pilgrim's Progress" of John Bunyan, +and the "Tenter Belly" of the Reverend Joseph Hall. + +From such encouragement and helps, it is easy to guess to what a degree +of perfection I might have brought this great work, had it not +been nipped in the bud by some illiterate people in both Houses of +Parliament, who envying the great figure I was to make in future ages, +under pretence of raising money for the war,* have padlocked all +those very pens that were to celebrate the actions of their heroes, by +silencing at once the whole university of Grub Street. I am persuaded +that nothing but the prospect of an approaching peace could have +encouraged them to make so bold a step. But suffer me, in the name of +the rest of the matriculates of that famous university, to ask them some +plain questions: Do they think that peace will bring along with it +the golden age? Will there be never a dying speech of a traitor? Are +Cethegus and Catiline turned so tame, that there will be no opportunity +to cry about the streets, "A Dangerous Plot?" Will peace bring such +plenty that no gentleman will have occasion to go upon the highway, or +break into a house? I am sorry that the world should be so much imposed +upon by the dreams of a false prophet, as to imagine the Millennium is +at hand. O Grub Street! thou fruitful nursery of towering geniuses! How +do I lament thy downfall? Thy ruin could never be meditated by any who +meant well to English liberty. No modern lyceum will ever equal thy +glory: whether in soft pastorals thou didst sing the flames of pampered +apprentices and coy cook maids; or mournful ditties of departing +lovers; or if to Maeonian strains thou raisedst thy voice, to record +the stratagems, the arduous exploits, and the nocturnal scalade of needy +heroes, the terror of your peaceful citizens, describing the powerful +Betty or the artful Picklock, or the secret caverns and grottoes of +Vulcan sweating at his forge, and stamping the queen's image on viler +metals which he retails for beef and pots of ale; or if thou wert +content in simple narrative, to relate the cruel acts of implacable +revenge, or the complaint of ravished virgins blushing to tell their +adventures before the listening crowd of city damsels, whilst in thy +faithful history thou intermingledst the gravest counsels and the purest +morals. Nor less acute and piercing wert thou in thy search and pompous +descriptions of the works of nature; whether in proper and emphatic +terms thou didst paint the blazing comet's fiery tail, the stupendous +force of dreadful thunder and earthquakes, and the unrelenting +inundations. Sometimes, with Machiavelian sagacity, thou unravelledst +intrigues of state, and the traitorous conspiracies of rebels, giving +wise counsel to monarchs. How didst thou move our terror and our pity +with thy passionate scenes between Jack Catch and the heroes of the Old +Bailey? How didst thou describe their intrepid march up Holborn Hill? +Nor didst thou shine less in thy theological capacity, when thou gavest +ghostly counsels to dying felons, and didst record the guilty pangs of +Sabbath breakers. How will the noble arts of John Overton's** painting +and sculpture now languish? where rich invention, proper expression, +correct design, divine attitudes, and artful contrast, heightened with +the beauties of Clar. Obscur., embellished thy celebrated pieces, to the +delight and astonishment of the judicious multitude! Adieu, persuasive +eloquence! the quaint metaphor, the poignant irony, the proper epithet, +and the lively simile, are fled for ever! Instead of these, we shall +have, I know not what! The illiterate will tell the rest with pleasure. + + * Act restraining the liberty of the press, etc. + + ** The engraver of the cuts before the Grub Street papers. + +I hope the reader will excuse this digression, due by way of condolence +to my worthy brethren of Grub Street, for the approaching barbarity +that is likely to overspread all its regions by this oppressive and +exorbitant tax. It has been my good fortune to receive my education +there; and so long as I preserved some figure and rank amongst the +learned of that society, I scorned to take my degree either at Utrecht +or Leyden, though I was offered it gratis by the professors in those +universities. + +And now that posterity may not be ignorant in what age so excellent a +history was written (which would otherwise, no doubt, be the subject of +its inquiries), I think it proper to inform the learned of future times, +that it was compiled when Louis XIV. was King of France, and Philip his +grandson of Spain; when England and Holland, in conjunction with the +Emperor and the Allies, entered into a war against these two princes, +which lasted ten years, under the management of the Duke of Marlborough, +and was put to a conclusion by the Treaty of Utrecht, under the ministry +of the Earl of Oxford, in the year 1713. + +Many at that time did imagine the history of John Bull, and the +personages mentioned in it, to be allegorical, which the author would +never own. Notwithstanding, to indulge the reader's fancy and curiosity, +I have printed at the bottom of the page the supposed allusions of the +most obscure parts of the story. + + + + + +THE HISTORY OF JOHN BULL. + + + +CHAPTER I. The Occasion of the Law Suit. + +I need not tell you of the great quarrels that have happened in our +neighbourhood since the death of the late Lord Strutt;* how the parson** +and a cunning attorney got him to settle his estate upon his cousin +Philip Baboon, to the great disappointment of his cousin Esquire South. +Some stick not to say that the parson and the attorney forged a will; +for which they were well paid by the family of the Baboons. Let that +be as it will, it is matter of fact that the honour and estate have +continued ever since in the person of Philip Baboon. + + * Late King of Spain. + + ** Cardinal Portocarero. + +You know that the Lord Strutts have for many years been possessed of a +very great landed estate, well conditioned, wooded, watered, with coal, +salt, tin, copper, iron, etc., all within themselves; that it has been +the misfortune of that family to be the property of their stewards, +tradesmen, and inferior servants, which has brought great incumbrances +upon them; at the same time, their not abating of their expensive way +of living has forced them to mortgage their best manors. It is credibly +reported that the butcher's and baker's bill of a Lord Strutt that lived +two hundred years ago are not yet paid. + +When Philip Baboon came first to the possession of the Lord Strutt's +estate, his tradesmen,* as is usual upon such occasions, waited upon him +to wish him joy and bespeak his custom. The two chief were John Bull,** +the clothier, and Nic. Frog,*** the linendraper. They told him that the +Bulls and Frogs had served the Lord Strutts with draperyware for many +years; that they were honest and fair dealers; that their bills had +never been questioned; that the Lord Strutts lived generously, and +never used to dirty their fingers with pen, ink, and counters; that +his lordship might depend upon their honesty that they would use him as +kindly as they had done his predecessors. The young lord seemed to take +all in good part, and dismissed them with a deal of seeming content, +assuring them he did not intend to change any of the honourable maxims +of his predecessors. + + * The first letters of congratulation from King William and + the States of Holland upon King Philip's accession to the + crown of Spain. + + ** The English. + + *** The Dutch. + + + +CHAPTER II. How Bull and Frog grew jealous that the Lord Strutt intended +to give all his custom to his grandfather Lewis Baboon. + +It happened unfortunately for the peace of our neighbourhood that this +young lord had an old cunning rogue, or, as the Scots call it, a false +loon of a grandfather, that one might justly call a Jack-of-all-Trades.* +Sometimes you would see him behind his counter selling broadcloth, +sometimes measuring linen; next day he would be dealing in merceryware. +High heads, ribbons, gloves, fans, and lace he understood to a nicety. +Charles Mather could not bubble a young beau better with a toy; nay, he +would descend even to the selling of tape, garters, and shoe-buckles. +When shop was shut up he would go about the neighbourhood and earn +half-a-crown by teaching the young men and maids to dance. By these +methods he had acquired immense riches, which he used to squander* away +at back-sword, quarter-staff, and cudgel-play, in which he took great +pleasure, and challenged all the country. You will say it is no +wonder if Bull and Frog should be jealous of this fellow. "It is not +impossible," says Frog to Bull, "but this old rogue will take the +management of the young lord's business into his hands; besides, the +rascal has good ware, and will serve him as cheap as anybody. In that +case, I leave you to judge what must become of us and our families; +we must starve, or turn journeyman to old Lewis Baboon. Therefore, +neighbour, I hold it advisable that we write to young Lord Strutt to +know the bottom of this matter." + + * The character and trade of the French nation. + + ** The King's disposition to war. + + + +CHAPTER III. A Copy of Bull and Frog's Letter to Lord Strutt. + +My Lord,--I suppose your lordship knows that the Bulls and the Frogs +have served the Lord Strutts with all sorts of draperyware time out of +mind. And whereas we are jealous, not without reason, that your lordship +intends henceforth to buy of your grandsire old Lewis Baboon, this is +to inform your lordship that this proceeding does not suit with the +circumstances of our families, who have lived and made a good figure in +the world by the generosity of the Lord Strutts. Therefore we think fit +to acquaint your lordship that you must find sufficient security to us, +our heirs, and assigns that you will not employ Lewis Baboon, or else +we will take our remedy at law, clap an action upon you of 20,000 +pounds for old debts, seize and distrain your goods and chattels, +which, considering your lordship's circumstances, will plunge you into +difficulties, from which it will not be easy to extricate yourself. +Therefore we hope, when your lordship has better considered on it, you +will comply with the desire of + +Your loving friends, + +JOHN BULL, + +NIC. FROG. + + +Some of Bull's friends advised him to take gentler methods with the +young lord, but John naturally loved rough play. It is impossible to +express the surprise of the Lord Strutt upon the receipt of this letter. +He was not flush in ready either to go to law or clear old debts, +neither could he find good bail. He offered to bring matters to a +friendly accommodation, and promised, upon his word of honour, that he +would not change his drapers; but all to no purpose, for Bull and Frog +saw clearly that old Lewis would have the cheating of him. + + + +CHAPTER IV. How Bull and Frog went to law with Lord Strutt about the +premises, and were joined by the rest of the tradesmen. + +All endeavours of accommodation between Lord Strutt and his drapers +proved vain. Jealousies increased, and, indeed, it was rumoured abroad +that Lord Strutt had bespoke his new liveries of old Lewis Baboon. This +coming to Mrs. Bull's ears, when John Bull came home, he found all +his family in an uproar. Mrs. Bull, you must know, was very apt to be +choleric. "You sot," says she, "you loiter about alehouses and taverns, +spend your time at billiards, ninepins, or puppet-shows, or flaunt about +the streets in your new gilt chariot, never minding me nor your numerous +family. Don't you hear how Lord Strutt has bespoke his liveries at +Lewis Baboon's shop? Don't you see how that old fox steals away your +customers, and turns you out of your business every day, and you sit +like an idle drone, with your hands in your pockets? Fie upon it. Up +man, rouse thyself; I'll sell to my shift before I'll be so used by that +knave."* You must think Mrs. Bull had been pretty well tuned up by Frog, +who chimed in with her learned harangue. No further delay now, but to +counsel learned in the law they go, who unanimously assured them both of +justice and infallible success of their lawsuit. + + * The sentiments and addresses of the Parliament at that + time. + +I told you before that old Lewis Baboon was a sort of a +Jack-of-all-trades, which made the rest of the tradesmen jealous, as +well as Bull and Frog; they hearing of the quarrel, were glad of an +opportunity of joining against old Lewis Baboon, provided that Bull +and Frog would bear the charges of the suit. Even lying Ned, the +chimney-sweeper of Savoy, and Tom, the Portugal dustman, put in their +claims, and the cause was put into the hands of Humphry Hocus, the +attorney. + +A declaration was drawn up to show "That Bull and Frog had undoubted +right by prescription to be drapers to the Lord Strutts; that there were +several old contracts to that purpose; that Lewis Baboon had taken up +the trade of clothier and draper without serving his time or purchasing +his freedom; that he sold goods that were not marketable without the +stamp; that he himself was more fit for a bully than a tradesman, and +went about through all the country fairs challenging people to fight +prizes, wrestling and cudgel play, and abundance more to this purpose." + + + +CHAPTER V. The true characters of John Bull, Nic. Frog, and Hocus.* + + * Characters of the English and Dutch, and the General Duke + of Marlborough. + +For the better understanding the following history the reader ought +to know that Bull, in the main, was an honest, plain-dealing fellow, +choleric, bold, and of a very unconstant temper; he dreaded not old +Lewis either at back-sword, single falchion, or cudgel-play; but then +he was very apt to quarrel with his best friends, especially if they +pretended to govern him. If you flattered him you might lead him like a +child. John's temper depended very much upon the air; his spirits rose +and fell with the weather-glass. John was quick and understood his +business very well, but no man alive was more careless in looking into +his accounts, or more cheated by partners, apprentices, and servants. +This was occasioned by his being a boon companion, loving his bottle and +his diversion; for, to say truth, no man kept a better house than John, +nor spent his money more generously. By plain and fair dealing John had +acquired some plums, and might have kept them, had it not been for his +unhappy lawsuit. + +Nic. Frog was a cunning, sly fellow, quite the reverse of John in many +particulars; covetous, frugal, minded domestic affairs, would pinch his +belly to save his pocket, never lost a farthing by careless servants +or bad debtors. He did not care much for any sort of diversion, except +tricks of high German artists and legerdemain. No man exceeded Nic. in +these; yet it must be owned that Nic. was a fair dealer, and in that way +acquired immense riches. + +Hocus was an old cunning attorney, and though this was the first +considerable suit that ever he was engaged in he showed himself superior +in address to most of his profession. He kept always good clerks, he +loved money, was smooth-tongued, gave good words, and seldom lost his +temper. He was not worse than an infidel, for he provided plentifully +for his family, but he loved himself better than them all. The +neighbours reported that he was henpecked, which was impossible, by such +a mild-spirited woman as his wife was. + + + +CHAPTER VI. Of the various success of the Lawsuit.* + + * The success of the war. + +Law is a bottomless pit; it is a cormorant, a harpy, that devours +everything. John Bull was flattered by the lawyers that his suit would +not last above a year or two at most; that before that time he would be +in quiet possession of his business; yet ten long years did Hocus steer +his cause through all the meanders of the law and all the courts. No +skill, no address was wanting, and, to say truth, John did not starve +the cause; there wanted not yellowboys to fee counsel, hire witnesses, +and bribe juries. Lord Strutt was generally cast, never had one verdict +in his favour, and John was promised that the next, and the next, would +be the final determination; but, alas! that final determination and +happy conclusion was like an enchanted island; the nearer John came to +it the further it went from him. New trials upon new points still arose, +new doubts, new matters to be cleared; in short, lawyers seldom part +with so good a cause till they have got the oyster and their clients the +shell. John's ready money, book debts, bonds, mortgages, all went into +the lawyers' pockets. Then John began to borrow money upon Bank Stock +and East India Bonds. Now and then a farm went to pot. At last it was +thought a good expedient to set up Esquire South's title to prove the +will forged and dispossess Philip Lord Strutt at once. Here again was a +new field for the lawyers, and the cause grew more intricate than +ever. John grew madder and madder; wherever he met any of Lord Strutt's +servants he tore off their clothes. Now and then you would see them +come home naked, without shoes, stockings, and linen. As for old Lewis +Baboon, he was reduced to his last shift, though he had as many as any +other. His children were reduced from rich silks to doily stuffs, his +servants in rags and barefooted; instead of good victuals they now lived +upon neck beef and bullock's liver. In short, nobody got much by the +matter but the men of law. + + + +CHAPTER VII. How John Bull was so mightily pleased with his success that +he was going to leave off his trade and turn Lawyer. + +It is wisely observed by a great philosopher that habit is a second +nature. This was verified in the case of John Bull, who, from an honest +and plain tradesman, had got such a haunt about the Courts of Justice, +and such a jargon of law words, that he concluded himself as able +a lawyer as any that pleaded at the bar or sat on the bench. He +was overheard one day talking to himself after this manner: "How +capriciously does fate or chance dispose of mankind. How seldom is that +business allotted to a man for which he is fitted by Nature. It is plain +I was intended for a man of law. How did my guardians mistake my genius +in placing me, like a mean slave, behind a counter? Bless me! what +immense estates these fellows raise by the law. Besides, it is the +profession of a gentleman. What a pleasure it is to be victorious in +a cause: to swagger at the bar. What a fool am I to drudge any more in +this woollen trade. For a lawyer I was born, and a lawyer I will be; one +is never too old to learn."* All this while John had conned over such a +catalogue of hard words as were enough to conjure up the devil; these +he used to babble indifferently in all companies, especially at coffee +houses, so that his neighbour tradesmen began to shun his company as a +man that was cracked. Instead of the affairs of Blackwell Hall and price +of broadcloth, wool, and baizes, he talks of nothing but actions upon +the case, returns, capias, alias capias, demurrers, venire facias, +replevins, supersedeases, certioraries, writs of error, actions of +trover and conversion, trespasses, precipes, and dedimus. This was +matter of jest to the learned in law; however Hocus and the rest of the +tribe encouraged John in his fancy, assuring him that he had a great +genius for law; that they questioned not but in time he might raise +money enough by it to reimburse him of all his charges; that if he +studied he would undoubtedly arrive to the dignity of a Lord Chief +Justice. As for the advice of honest friends and neighbours John +despised it; he looked upon them as fellows of a low genius, poor +grovelling mechanics. John reckoned it more honour to have got one +favourable verdict than to have sold a bale of broadcloth. As for Nic. +Frog, to say the truth, he was more prudent; for though he followed his +lawsuit closely he neglected not his ordinary business, but was both in +court and in his shop at the proper hours. + + * The manners and sentiments of the nation at that time. + + + +CHAPTER VIII. How John discovered that Hocus had an Intrigue with his +Wife;* and what followed thereupon. + +John had not run on a madding so long had it not been for an extravagant +wife, whom Hocus perceiving John to be fond of, was resolved to win over +to his side. It is a true saying, that the last man of the parish +that knows of his cuckoldom is himself. It was observed by all the +neighbourhood that Hocus had dealings with John's wife that were not so +much for his honour; but this was perceived by John a little too late: +she was a luxurious jade, loved splendid equipages, plays, treats and +balls, differing very much from the sober manners of her ancestors, and +by no means fit for a tradesman's wife. Hocus fed her extravagancy (what +was still more shameful) with John's own money. Everybody said that +Hocus had a month's mind to her; be that as it will, it is matter of +fact, that upon all occasions she ran out extravagantly on the praise +of Hocus. When John used to be finding fault with his bills, she used +to reproach him as ungrateful to his greatest benefactor; one that had +taken so much pains in his lawsuit, and retrieved his family from the +oppression of old Lewis Baboon. A good swinging sum of John's readiest +cash went towards building of Hocus's country house.** This affair +between Hocus and Mrs. Bull was now so open, that all the world was +scandalised at it; John was not so clod-pated, but at last he took the +hint. The parson of the parish preaching one day with more zeal than +sense against adultery, Mrs. Bull told her husband that he was a +very uncivil fellow to use such coarse language before people of +condition;*** that Hocus was of the same mind, and that they would join +to have him turned out of his living for using personal reflections. How +do you mean, says John, by personal reflections? I hope in God, wife, +he did not reflect upon you? "No, thank God, my reputation is too well +established in the world to receive any hurt from such a foul-mouthed +scoundrel as he; his doctrine tends only to make husbands tyrants, and +wives slaves; must we be shut up, and husbands left to their liberty? +Very pretty indeed! a wife must never go abroad with a Platonic to see +a play or a ball; she must never stir without her husband; nor walk in +Spring Garden with a cousin. I do say, husband, and I will stand by it, +that without the innocent freedoms of life, matrimony would be a most +intolerable state; and that a wife's virtue ought to be the result of +her own reason, and not of her husband's government: for my part, I +would scorn a husband that would be jealous, if he saw a fellow with +me." All this while John's blood boiled in his veins: he was now +confirmed in all his suspicions; the hardest names, were the best words +that John gave her. Things went from better to worse, till Mrs. Bull +aimed a knife at John, though John threw a bottle at her head very +brutally indeed: and after this there was nothing but confusion; +bottles, glasses, spoons, plates, knives, forks, and dishes, flew about +like dust; the result of which was, that Mrs. Bull received a bruise +in her right side of which she died half a year after. The bruise +imposthumated, and afterwards turned to a stinking ulcer, which made +everybody shy to come near her, yet she wanted not the help of many +able physicians, who attended very diligently, and did what men of +skill could do; but all to no purpose, for her condition was now quite +desperate, all regular physicians and her nearest relations having given +her over.**** + + * The opinion at that time of the General's tampering with + the Parliament. + + ** Blenheim Palace. + + *** The story of Dr. Sacheverel, and the resentment of the + House of Commons. + + **** The opinion of the Tories about that House of Commons. + + + +CHAPTER IX. How some Quacks undertook to cure Mrs. Bull of her ulcer.* + +There is nothing so impossible in Nature but mountebanks will undertake; +nothing so incredible but they will affirm: Mrs. Bull's condition was +looked upon as desperate by all the men of art; but there were those +that bragged they had an infallible ointment and plaister, which being +applied to the sore, would cure it in a few days; at the same time they +would give her a pill that would purge off all her bad humours, sweeten +her blood, and rectify her disturbed imagination. In spite of all +applications the patient grew worse every day; she stunk so, nobody +durst come within a stone's throw of her, except those quacks who +attended her close, and apprehended no danger. If one asked them how +Mrs. Bull did? Better and better, said they; the parts heal, and her +constitution mends: if she submits to our government she will be abroad +in a little time. Nay, it is reported that they wrote to her friends +in the country that she should dance a jig next October in Westminster +Hall, and that her illness had been chiefly owing to bad physicians. At +last, one of them was sent for in great haste, his patient grew worse +and worse: when he came, he affirmed that it was a gross mistake, and +that she was never in a fairer way. Bring hither the salve, says he, +and give her a plentiful draught of my cordial. As he was applying his +ointments, and administering the cordial, the patient gave up the ghost, +to the great confusion of the quack, and the great joy of Bull and his +friends. The quack flung away out of the house in great disorder, +and swore there was foul play, for he was sure his medicines were +infallible. Mrs. Bull having died without any signs of repentance or +devotion, the clergy would hardly allow her a Christian burial. The +relations had once resolved to sue John for the murder, but considering +better of it, and that such a trial would rip up old sores, and discover +things not so much to the reputation of the deceased, they dropped their +design. She left no will, only there was found in her strong box the +following words written on a scrip of paper--"My curse on John Bull, +and all my posterity, if ever they come to any composition with the Lord +Strutt." + +She left him three daughters, whose names were Polemia, Discordia, and +Usuria.** + + * Endeavours and hopes of some people to hinder the + dissolution of that Parliament. + + ** War, faction, and usury. + + + +CHAPTER X. Of John Bull's second Wife, and the good Advice that she gave +him.* + +John quickly got the better of his grief, and, seeing that neither his +constitution nor the affairs of his family, could permit him to live in +an unmarried state, he resolved to get him another wife; a cousin of his +last wife's was proposed, but John would have no more of the breed. In +short, he wedded a sober country gentlewoman, of a good family and a +plentiful fortune, the reverse of the other in her temper; not but that +she loved money, for she was saving, and applied her fortune to pay +John's clamorous debts, that the unfrugal method of his last wife, and +this ruinous lawsuit, had brought him into. One day, as she had got +her husband in a good humour, she talked to him after the following +manner:--"My dear, since I have been your wife, I have observed great +abuses and disorders in your family: your servants are mutinous and +quarrelsome, and cheat you most abominably; your cookmaid is in a +combination with your butcher, poulterer, and fishmonger; your butler +purloins your liquor, and the brewer sells you hogwash; your baker +cheats both in weight and in tale; even your milkwoman and your +nursery-maid have a fellow feeling; your tailor, instead of shreds, +cabbages whole yards of cloth; besides, leaving such long scores, and +not going to market with ready money forces us to take bad ware of the +tradesmen at their own price. You have not posted your books these ten +years. How is it possible for a man of business to keep his affairs even +in the world at this rate? Pray God this Hocus be honest; would to God +you would look over his bills, and see how matters stand between Frog +and you. Prodigious sums are spent in this lawsuit, and more must be +borrowed of scriveners and usurers at heavy interest. Besides, my +dear, let me beg of you to lay aside that wild project of leaving +your business to turn lawyer, for which, let me tell you, Nature never +designed you. Believe me, these rogues do but flatter, that they may +pick your pocket; observe what a parcel of hungry ragged fellows live by +your cause; to be sure they will never make an end of it. I foresee this +haunt you have got about the courts will one day or another bring your +family to beggary. Consider, my dear, how indecent it is to abandon +your shop and follow pettifoggers; the habit is so strong upon you, that +there is hardly a plea between two country esquires, about a barren acre +upon a common, but you draw yourself in as bail, surety, or solicitor." +John heard her all this while with patience, till she pricked his +maggot, and touched him in the tender point. Then he broke out into +a violent passion: "What, I not fit for a lawyer? let me tell you, my +clod-pated relations spoiled the greatest genius in the world when they +bred me a mechanic. Lord Strutt, and his old rogue of a grandsire, have +found to their cost that I can manage a lawsuit as well as another." "I +don't deny what you say," replied Mrs. Bull, "nor do I call in question +your parts; but, I say, it does not suit with your circumstances; +you and your predecessors have lived in good reputation among your +neighbours by this same clothing-trade, and it were madness to leave it +off. Besides, there are few that know all the tricks and cheats of these +lawyers. Does not your own experience teach you how they have drawn you +on from one term to another, and how you have danced the round of all +the courts, still flattering you with a final issue; and, for aught I +can see, your cause is not a bit clearer than it was seven years ago." +"I will be hanged," says John, "if I accept of any composition from +Strutt or his grandfather; I'll rather wheel about the streets an engine +to grind knives and scissors. However, I'll take your advice, and look +over my accounts." + + * A new Parliament: the aversion of a Tory House of Commons + to war. + + + +CHAPTER XI. How John looked over his Attorney's Bill.* + + * Looking over the accounts. + +When John first brought out the bills, the surprise of all the family +was unexpressible at the prodigious dimensions of them; they would have +measured with the best bale of cloth in John's shop. Fees to judges, +puny judges, clerks, prothonotaries, philisers, chirographers, +under-clerks, proclamators, counsel, witnesses, jurymen, marshals, +tipstaffs, criers, porters; for enrollings, exemplifications, bails, +vouchers, returns, caveats, examinations, filings of words, entries, +declarations, replications, recordats, nolle prosequies, certioraries, +mittimuses, demurrers, special verdicts, informations, scire facias, +supersedeas, habeas corpus, coach-hire, treating of witnesses, etc. +"Verily," says John, "there are a prodigious number of learned words in +this law; what a pretty science it is!" "Ay but, husband, you have +paid for every syllable and letter of these fine words. Bless me, what +immense sums are at the bottom of the account!" John spent several weeks +in looking over his bills, and, by comparing and stating his accounts, +he discovered that, besides the extravagance of every article, he had +been egregiously cheated; that he had paid for counsel that were never +fee'd, for writs that were never drawn, for dinners that were never +dressed, and journeys that were never made; in short, that the +tradesmen, lawyers, and Frog had agreed to throw the burden of the +lawsuit upon his shoulders. + + + +CHAPTER XII. How John grew angry, and resolved to accept a Composition; +and what Methods were practised by the Lawyers for keeping him from it.* + +Well might the learned Daniel Burgess say, "That a lawsuit is a suit for +life. He that sows his grain upon marble will have many a hungry belly +before harvest." This John felt by woeful experience. John's cause was a +good milch cow, and many a man subsisted his family out of it. However, +John began to think it high time to look about him. He had a cousin in +the country, one Sir Roger Bold, whose predecessors had been bred up +to the law, and knew as much of it as anybody; but having left off +the profession for some time, they took great pleasure in compounding +lawsuits among their neighbours, for which they were the aversion of the +gentlemen of the long robe, and at perpetual war with all the country +attorneys. John put his cause in Sir Roger's hands, desiring him to make +the best of it. The news had no sooner reached the ears of the lawyers, +but they were all in an uproar. They brought all the rest of the +tradesmen upon John.** Squire South swore he was betrayed, that he would +starve before he compounded; Frog said he was highly wronged; even +lying Ned the chimney-sweeper and Tom the dustman complained that their +interest was sacrificed; the lawyers, solicitors, Hocus and his clerks, +were all up in arms at the news of the composition: they abused him and +his wife most shamefully. "You silly, awkward, ill-bred country sow," +quoth one, "have you no more manners than to rail at Hocus that has +saved that clod-pated numskulled ninny-hammer of yours from ruin, and +all his family? It is well known how he has rose early and sat up late +to make him easy, when he was sotting at every alehouse in town. I +knew his last wife: she was a woman of breeding, good humour, and +complaisance--knew how to live in the world. As for you, you look like a +puppet moved by clockwork; your clothes hang upon you as they were upon +tenter-hooks; and you come into a room as you were going to steal away +a pint pot. Get you gone in the country, to look after your mother's +poultry, to milk the cows, churn the butter, and dress up nosegays for a +holiday, and not meddle with matters which you know no more of than +the sign-post before your door. It is well known that Hocus has an +established reputation; he never swore an oath, nor told a lie, in all +his life; he is grateful to his benefactors, faithful to his friends, +liberal to his dependents, and dutiful to his superiors; he values not +your money more than the dust under his feet, but he hates to be abused. +Once for all, Mrs. Minx, leave off talking of Hocus, or I will pull out +these saucer-eyes of yours, and make that redstreak country face look as +raw as an ox-cheek upon a butcher's-stall; remember, I say, that there +are pillories and ducking-stools."*** With this away they flung, leaving +Mrs. Bull no time to reply. No stone was left unturned to frighten John +from his composition. Sometimes they spread reports at coffee-houses +that John and his wife were run mad; that they intended to give up +house, and make over all their estate to Lewis Baboon; that John had +been often heard talking to himself, and seen in the streets without +shoes or stockings; that he did nothing from morning till night but beat +his servants, after having been the best master alive. As for his wife, +she was a mere natural. Sometimes John's house was beset with a whole +regiment of attornies' clerks, bailiffs, and bailiffs' followers, and +other small retainers of the law, who threw stones at his windows, and +dirt at himself as he went along the street. When John complained of +want of ready-money to carry on his suit, they advised him to pawn his +plate and jewels, and that Mrs. Bull should sell her linen and wearing +clothes. + + * Talk of peace, and the struggle of the party against it. + + ** The endeavours made use of to stop the Treaty of Peace. + + *** Reflections upon the House of Commons as ignorant, who + know nothing of business. + + + +CHAPTER XIII. Mrs. Bull's vindication of the indispensable duty +incumbent upon Wives in case of the Tyranny, Infidelity, or +Insufficiency of Husbands; being a full Answer to the Doctor's Sermon +against Adultery.* + + * The Tories' representation of the speeches at Sacheverel's + trial. + +John found daily fresh proofs of the infidelity and bad designs of his +deceased wife; amongst other things, one day looking over his cabinet, +he found the following paper:-- + +"It is evident that matrimony is founded upon an original contract, +whereby the wife makes over the right she has by the law of Nature in +favour of the husband, by which he acquires the property of all her +posterity. But, then, the obligation is mutual; and where the contract +is broken on one side it ceases to bind on the other. Where there is a +right there must be a power to maintain it and to punish the offending +party. This power I affirm to be that original right, or rather that +indispensable duty lodged in all wives in the cases above mentioned. +No wife is bound by any law to which herself has not consented. All +economical government is lodged originally in the husband and wife, the +executive part being in the husband; both have their privileges secured +to them by law and reason; but will any man infer from the husband being +invested with the executive power, that the wife is deprived of her +share, and that she has no remedy left but preces and lacrymae, or +an appeal to a supreme court of judicature? No less frivolous are the +arrangements that are drawn from the general appellations and terms +of husband and wife. A husband denotes several different sorts of +magistracy, according to the usages and customs of different climates +and countries. In some eastern nations it signifies a tyrant, with the +absolute power of life and death. In Turkey it denotes an arbitrary +governor, with power of perpetual imprisonment; in Italy it gives the +husband the power of poison and padlocks; in the countries of England, +France, and Holland, it has a quite different meaning, implying a free +and equal government, securing to the wife in certain cases the liberty +of change, and the property of pin-money and separate maintenance. +So that the arguments drawn from the terms of husband and wife are +fallacious, and by no means fit to support a tyrannical doctrine, as +that of absolute unlimited chastity and conjugal fidelity. + +"The general exhortations to fidelity in wives are meant only for +rules in ordinary cases, but they naturally suppose three conditions +of ability, justice, and fidelity in the husband; such an unlimited, +unconditioned fidelity in the wife could never be supposed by reasonable +men. It seems a reflection upon the Church to charge her with doctrines +that countenance oppression. + +"This doctrine of the original right of change is congruous to the law +of Nature, which is superior to all human laws, and for that I dare +appeal to all wives: It is much to the honour of our English wives that +they have never given up that fundamental point, and that though in +former ages they were muffled up in darkness and superstition, yet that +notion seemed engraven on their minds, and the impression so strong that +nothing could impair it. + +"To assert the illegality of change, upon any pretence whatsoever, were +to cast odious colours upon the married state, to blacken the necessary +means of perpetuating families--such laws can never be supposed to have +been designed to defeat the very end of matrimony. I call them necessary +means, for in many cases what other means are left? Such a doctrine +wounds the honour of families, unsettles the titles to kingdoms, +honours, and estates; for if the actions from which such settlements +spring were illegal, all that is built upon them must be so too; but +the last is absurd, therefore the first must be so likewise. What is the +cause that Europe groans at present under the heavy load of a cruel and +expensive war, but the tyrannical custom of a certain nation, and the +scrupulous nicety of a silly queen in not exercising this indispensable +duty, whereby the kingdom might have had an heir, and a controverted +succession might have been avoided. These are the effects of the narrow +maxims of your clergy, 'That one must not do evil that good may come of +it.' + +"The assertors of this indefeasible right, and jus divinum of matrimony, +do all in their hearts favour the pretenders to married women; for +if the true legal foundation of the married state be once sapped, and +instead thereof tyrannical maxims introduced, what must follow but +elopements instead of secret and peaceable change? + +"From all that has been said, one may clearly perceive the absurdity +of the doctrine of this seditious, discontented, hot-headed, ungifted, +unedifying preacher, asserting 'that the grand security of the +matrimonial state, and the pillar upon which it stands, is founded upon +the wife's belief of an absolute unconditional fidelity to the husband;' +by which bold assertion he strikes at the root, digs the foundation, and +removes the basis upon which the happiness of a married state is built. +As for his personal reflections, I would gladly know who are those +'wanton wives' he speaks of? who are those ladies of high stations +that he so boldly traduces in his sermon? It is pretty plain who these +aspersions are aimed at, for which he deserves the pillory, or something +worse. + +"In confirmation of this doctrine of the indispensable duty of change, +I could bring the example of the wisest wives in all ages, who by these +means have preserved their husband's families from ruin and oblivion +by want of posterity; but what has been said is a sufficient ground for +punishing this pragmatical parson." + + + +CHAPTER XIV. The two great Parties of Wives, the Devotos and the Hitts.* + + *Those who were for and against the doctrine of + nonresistance. + +The doctrine of unlimited fidelity in wives was universally espoused by +all husbands, who went about the country and made the wives sign papers +signifying their utter detestation and abhorrence of Mrs. Bull's wicked +doctrine of the indispensable duty of change. Some yielded, others +refused to part with their native liberty, which gave rise to two great +parties amongst the wives, the Devotos and the Hitts. Though, it must be +owned, the distinction was more nominal than real; for the Devotos would +abuse freedoms sometimes, and those who were distinguished by the name +of Hitts were often very honest. At the same time there was an ingenious +treatise came out with the title of "Good Advice to Husbands," in which +they are counselled not to trust too much to their wives owning the +doctrine of unlimited conjugal fidelity, and so to neglect a due +watchfulness over the manners of their wives; that the greatest security +to husbands was a good usage of their wives and keeping them from +temptation, many husbands having been sufferers by their trusting too +much to general professions, as was exemplified in the case of a foolish +and negligent husband, who, trusting to the efficacy of this principle, +was undone by his wife's elopement from him. + + + +CHAPTER XV. An Account of the Conference between Mrs. Bull and Don +Diego.* + + * A Tory nobleman who, by his influence upon the House of + Commons, endeavoured to stop the Treaty. + +The lawyers, as their last effort to put off the composition, sent Don +Diego to John. Don Diego was a very worthy gentleman, a friend to John, +his mother, and present wife, and, therefore, supposed to have some +influence over her. He had been ill used himself by John's lawyers, but +because of some animosity to Sir Roger was against the composition. The +conference between him and Mrs. Bull was word for word as follows:-- + +DON DIEGO.--Is it possible, cousin Bull, that you can forget the +honourable maxims of the family you are come of, and break your word +with three of the honestest, best-meaning persons in the world--Esquires +South, Frog, and Hocus--that have sacrificed their interests to yours? +It is base to take advantage of their simplicity and credulity, and +leave them in the lurch at last. + +MRS. BULL--I am sure they have left my family in a bad condition, we +have hardly money to go to market; and nobody will take our words for +sixpence. A very fine spark this Esquire South! My husband took him in, +a dirty boy. It was the business of half the servants to attend him.* +The rogue did bawl and make such a noise: sometimes he fell in the +fire and burnt his face, sometimes broke his shins clambering over the +benches, and always came in so dirty, as if he had been dragged through +the kennel at a boarding-school. He lost his money at chuck-farthing, +shuffle-cap, and all-fours; sold his books, pawned his linen, which we +were always forced to redeem. Then the whole generation of him are so in +love with bagpipes and puppet-shows! I wish you knew what my husband has +paid at the pastry-cook's and confectioner's for Naples biscuits, tarts, +custards, and sweetmeats. All this while my husband considered him as +a gentleman of a good family that had fallen into decay, gave him +good education, and has settled him in a good creditable way of +living--having procured him, by his interest, one of the best places of +the country. And what return, think you, does this fine gentleman +make us? he will hardly give me or my husband a good word, or a civil +expression. Instead of Sir and Madam (which, though I say it, is our +due), he calls us "goody" and "gaffer" such-a-one; says he did us a +great deal of honour to board with us; huffs and dings at such a rate, +because we will not spend the little we have left to get him the title +and estate of Lord Strutt; and then forsooth, we shall have the honour +to be his woollen-drapers.** Besides, Esquire South will be Esquire +South still; fickle, proud, and ungrateful. If he behaves himself so +when he depends on us for his daily bread, can any man say what he will +do when he is got above the world? + + * Something relating to the manners of a great prince, + superstition, love of operas, shows, etc. + + ** Something relating to forms and titles. + +D. DIEGO.--And would you lose the honour of so noble and generous an +undertaking? Would you rather accept this scandalous composition, and +trust that old rogue, Lewis Baboon? + +MRS. BULL.--Look you, Friend Diego, if we law it on till Lewis turns +honest, I am afraid our credit will run low at Blackwell Hall. I wish +every man had his own; but I still say, that Lord Strutt's money shines +as bright and chinks as well as Esquire South's. I don't know any other +hold that we tradesmen have of these great folks but their interest: buy +dear and sell cheap, and I warrant ye you will keep your customer. The +worst is, that Lord Strutt's servants have got such a haunt about that +old rogue's shop, that it will cost us many a firkin of strong beer to +bring them back again; and the longer they are in a bad road, the harder +it will be to get them out of it. + +D. DIEGO.--But poor Frog, what has he done! On my conscience, if there +be an honest, sincere man in the world, it is that Frog. + +MRS. BULL.--I think I need not tell you how much Frog has been obliged +to our family from his childhood; he carries his head high now, but +he had never been the man he is without our help.* Ever since the +commencement of this lawsuit, it has been the business of Hocus, in +sharing out expenses, to plead for Frog. "Poor Frog," says he, "is in +hard circumstances, he has a numerous family, and lives from hand to +mouth; his children don't eat a bit of good victuals from one year's end +to the other, but live upon salt herring, sour curd, and borecole. He +does his utmost, poor fellow, to keep things even in the world, and has +exerted himself beyond his ability in this lawsuit; but he really has +not wherewithal to go on. What signifies this hundred pounds? place it +upon your side of the account; it is a great deal to poor Frog, and a +trifle to you." This has been Hocus's constant language, and I am sure +he has had obligations enough to us to have acted another part. + + * Complaints of the House of Commons of the unequal burden + of the war. + +D. DIEGO.--No doubt Hocus meant all this for the best, but he is a +tender-hearted, charitable man; Frog is indeed in hard circumstances. + +MRS. BULL--Hard circumstances! I swear this is provoking to the last +degree. All the time of the lawsuit, as fast as I have mortgaged, Frog +has purchased: from a plain tradesman, with a shop, warehouse, and a +country hut with a dirty fish-pond at the end of it, he is now grown a +very rich country gentleman, with a noble landed estate, noble palaces, +manors, parks, gardens, and farms, finer than any we were ever master +of.* Is it not strange, when my husband disbursed great sums every +term, Frog should be purchasing some new farm or manor? so that if this +lawsuit lasts, he will be far the richest man in his country. What is +worse than all this, he steals away my customers every day; twelve of +the richest and the best have left my shop by his persuasion, and whom, +to my certain knowledge, he has under bonds never to return again: judge +you if this be neighbourly dealing. + + * The Dutch acquisitions in Flanders. + +D. DIEGO--Frog is indeed pretty close in his dealings, but very honest: +you are so touchy, and take things so hotly, I am sure there must be +some mistake in this. + +MRS. BULL--A plaguy one indeed! You know, and have often told me of it, +how Hocus and those rogues kept my husband, John Bull, drunk for five +years together with punch and strong waters: I am sure he never went one +night sober to bed, till they got him to sign the strangest deed that +ever you saw in your life. The methods they took to manage him I'll tell +you another time; at present I'll read only the writing. + +Articles of Agreement betwixt JOHN BULL, Clothier, and NICHOLAS FROG, +Linen-draper.* + + * The sentiments of the House of Commons, and their + representation of the Barrier Treaty. + +I. That for maintaining the ancient good correspondence and friendship +between the said parties, I, Nicholas Frog, do solemnly engage and +promise to keep peace in John Bull's family; that neither his +wife, children, nor servants, give him any trouble, disturbance, or +molestation whatsoever, but to oblige them all to do their duty quietly +in their respective stations. And whereas the said John Bull, from +the assured confidence that he has in my friendship, has appointed me +executor of his last will and testament, and guardian to his children, I +do undertake for me, my heirs and assigns, to see the same duly executed +and performed, and that it shall be unalterable in all its parts by John +Bull, or anybody else: for that purpose it shall be lawful and allowable +for me to enter his house at any hour of the day or night, to break open +bars, bolts, and doors, chests of drawers, and strong boxes, in order +to secure the peace of my friend John Bull's family, and to see his will +duly executed. + +II. In consideration of which kind neighbourly office of Nicholas Frog, +in that he has been pleased to accept of the aforesaid trust, I, John +Bull, having duly considered that my friend, Nicholas Frog, at this +time lives in a marshy soil and unwholesome air, infested with fogs and +damps, destructive of the health of himself, wife, and children, do bind +and oblige me, my heirs and assigns, to purchase for the said Nicholas +Frog, with the best and readiest of my cash, bonds, mortgages, goods and +chattels, a landed estate, with parks, gardens, palaces, rivers, fields, +and outlets, consisting of as large extent as the said Nicholas Frog +shall think fit. And whereas the said Nicholas Frog is at present hemmed +in too close by the grounds of Lewis Baboon, master of the science of +defence, I, the said John Bull, do oblige myself with the readiest of my +cash, to purchase and enclose the said grounds, for as many fields and +acres as the said Nicholas shall think fit; to the intent that the said +Nicholas may have free egress and regress, without let or molestation, +suitable to the demands of himself and family. + +III. Furthermore, the said John Bull obliges himself to make the country +neighbours of Nicholas Frog allot a certain part of yearly rents, to pay +for the repairs of the said landed estate, to the intent that his good +friend, Nicholas Frog, may be eased of all charges. + +IV. And whereas the said Nicholas Frog did contract with the deceased +Lord Strutt about certain liberties, privileges, and immunities, +formerly in the possession of the said John Bull, I, the said John Bull, +do freely by these presents, renounce, quit, and make over to the said +Nicholas, the liberties, privileges, and immunities contracted for, in +as full a manner, as if they never had belonged to me. + +V. The said John Bull obliges himself, his heirs and assigns, not +to sell one rag of broad or coarse cloth to any gentleman within the +neighbourhood of the said Nicholas, except in such quantities and such +rates as the said Nicholas shall think fit. + +Signed and sealed, + +JOHN BULL, + +NIC. FROG. + +The reading of this paper put Mrs. Bull in such a passion that she fell +downright into a fit, and they were forced to give her a good quantity +of the spirit of hartshorn before she recovered. + +D. DIEGO--Why in such a passion, cousin? considering your circumstances +at that time, I don't think this such an unreasonable contract. You see +Frog, for all this, is religiously true to his bargain; he scorns to +hearken to any composition without your privacy. + +MRS. BULL.--You know the contrary.* Read that letter. + +[Reads the superscription.] For Lewis Baboon, Master of the Noble +Science of Defence. + +"SIR.--I understand that you are at this time treating with my friend +John Bull, about restoring the Lord Strutt's custom, and besides +allowing him certain privileges of parks and fish-ponds; I wonder how +you that are a man that knows the world, can talk with that simple +fellow. He has been my bubble these twenty years, and to my certain +knowledge, understands no more of his own affairs than a child in +swaddling clothes. I know he has got a sort of a pragmatical silly jade +of a wife, that pretends to take him out of my hands; but you and she +both will find yourselves mistaken; I'll find those that shall manage +her; and for him, he dares as well be hanged as make one step in his +affairs without my consent. If you will give me what you promised him, I +will make all things easy, and stop the deeds of ejectment against Lord +Strutt: if you will not, take what follows. I shall have a good action +against you, for pretending to rob me of my bubble. Take this warning +from + +"Your loving friend, + +"NIC. FROG." + + * Secret negotiations of the Dutch at that time. + +I am told, cousin Diego, you are one of those that have undertaken to +manage me, and that you have said you will carry a green bag yourself, +rather than we shall make an end of our lawsuit: I'll teach them and you +too to manage. + +D. DIEGO.--For God's sake, madam, why so choleric? I say this letter is +some forgery; it never entered into the head of that honest man, Nic. +Frog, to do any such thing. + +MRS. BULL.--I can't abide you. You have been railing these twenty years +at Squire South, Frog, and Hocus, calling them rogues and pickpockets, +and now they are turned the honestest fellows in the world. What is the +meaning of all this? + +D. DIEGO.--Pray tell me how you came to employ this Sir Roger in your +affairs, and not think of your old friend Diego? + +MRS. BULL.--So, so, there it pinches. To tell you truth, I have employed +Sir Roger in several weighty affairs, and have found him trusty and +honest, and the poor man always scorned to take a farthing of me. I have +abundance that profess great zeal, but they are damnable greedy of the +pence. My husband and I are now in such circumstances, that we must be +served upon cheaper terms than we have been. + +D. DIEGO.--Well, cousin, I find I can do no good with you; I am sorry +that you will ruin yourself by trusting this Sir Roger. + + + +CHAPTER XVI. How the guardians of the deceased Mrs. Bull's three +daughters came to John, and what advice they gave him; wherein is +briefly treated the characters of the three daughters. Also John Bull's +answer to the three guardians.* + + * Concerns of the party, and speeches for carrying on the + war, etc. Sentiments of the Tories and House of Commons + against continuing the war for setting King Charles upon the + throne of Spain. + +I told you in a former chapter that Mrs. Bull, before she departed this +life, had blessed John with three daughters. I need not here repeat +their names, neither would I willingly use any scandalous reflections +upon young ladies, whose reputations ought to be very tenderly handled; +but the characters of these were so well known in the neighbourhood, +that it is doing them no injury to make a short description of them. + +The eldest* was a termagant, imperious, prodigal, lewd, profligate +wench, as ever breathed; she used to rantipole about the house, pinch +the children, kick the servants, and torture the cats and the dogs; she +would rob her father's strong box, for money to give the young fellows +that she was fond of. She had a noble air, and something great in her +mien, but such a noisome infectious breath, as threw all the servants +that dressed her into consumptions; if she smelt to the freshest +nosegay, it would shrivel and wither as it had been blighted: she used +to come home in her cups, and break the china, and the looking-glasses; +and was of such an irregular temper, and so entirely given up to her +passion, that you might argue as well with the North wind, as with her +ladyship: so expensive, that the income of three dukedoms was not enough +to supply her extravagance. Hocus loved her best, believing her to be +his own, got upon the body of Mrs. Bull. + + * Polemia. + +The second daughter,* born a year after her sister, was a peevish, +froward, ill-conditioned creature as ever was, ugly as the devil, lean, +haggard, pale, with saucer eyes, a sharp nose, and hunched backed; but +active, sprightly, and diligent about her affairs. Her ill complexion +was occasioned by her bad diet, which was coffee** morning, noon, and +night. She never rested quietly a-bed, but used to disturb the whole +family with shrieking out in her dreams, and plague them next day with +interpreting them, for she took them all for gospel; she would cry +out "Murder!" and disturb the whole neighbourhood; and when John came +running downstairs to inquire what the matter was, nothing forsooth, +only her maid had stuck a pin wrong in her gown; she turned away one +servant for putting too much oil in her salad, and another for putting +too little salt in her water-gruel; but such as by flattery had procured +her esteem, she would indulge in the greatest crime. Her father had +two coachmen; when one was in the coach-box, if the coach swung but +the least to one side, she used to shriek so loud, that all the street +concluded she was overturned; but though the other was eternally drunk, +and had overturned the whole family, she was very angry with her father +for turning him away. Then she used to carry tales and stories from one +to another, till she had set the whole neighbourhood together by the +ears; and this was the only diversion she took pleasure in. She never +went abroad, but she brought home such a bundle of monstrous lies, as +would have amazed any mortal, but such as know her: of a whale that had +swallowed a fleet of ships; of the lions being let out of the Tower, +to destroy the Protestant religion; of the Pope's being seen in a +brandy-shop at Wapping; and a prodigious strong man that was going to +shove down the cupola of St. Paul's; of three millions of five pound +pieces that Squire South had found under an old wall; of blazing stars, +flying dragons, and abundance of such stuff. All the servants in the +family made high court to her, for she domineered there, and turned out +and in whom she pleased; only there was an old grudge between her and +Sir Roger, whom she mortally hated and used to hire fellows to squirt +kennel water upon him as he passed along the streets; so that he was +forced constantly to wear a surtout of oiled cloth, by which means he +came home pretty clean, except where the surtout was a little scanty. + + * Discordia. + + ** Coffee-house tattle. + +As for the third* she was a thief and a common mercenary. She had no +respect of persons: a prince or a porter was all one, according as they +paid; yea, she would leave the finest gentleman in the world to go to an +ugly fellow for sixpence more. In the practice of her profession she +had amassed vast magazines of all sorts of things: she had above five +hundred suits of fine clothes, and yet went abroad like a cinder wench. +She robbed and starved all the servants, so that nobody could live near +her. + + * Usuria. + +So much for John's three daughters, which you will say were rarities +to be fond of. Yet Nature will shew itself. Nobody could blame their +relations for taking care of them, and therefore it was that Hocus, with +two other of the guardians, thought it their duty to take care of the +interest of the three girls and give John their best advice before he +compounded the lawsuit. + +HOCUS.--What makes you so shy of late, my good friend? There's nobody +loves you better than I, nor has taken more pains in your affairs. As +I hope to be saved I would do anything to serve you; I would crawl upon +all fours to serve you; I have spent my health and paternal estate in +your service. I have, indeed, a small pittance left, with which I might +retire, and with as good a conscience as any man; but the thoughts of +this disgraceful composition so touches me to the quick that I cannot +sleep. After I had brought the cause to the last stroke, that one +verdict more had quite ruined old Lewis and Lord Strutt, and put you in +the quiet possession of everything--then to compound! I cannot bear it. +This cause was my favourite; I had set my heart upon it; it is like an +only child; I cannot endure it should miscarry. For God's sake consider +only to what a dismal condition old Lewis is brought. He is at an end of +all his cash; his attorneys have hardly one trick left; they are at an +end of all their chicane; besides, he has both his law and his daily +bread now upon trust. Hold out only one term longer, and I'll warrant +you before the next we shall have him in the Fleet. I'll bring him to +the pillory; his ears shall pay for his perjuries. For the love of God +don't compound. Let me be damned if you have a friend in the world that +loves you better than I. There is nobody can say I am covetous or that I +have any interests to pursue but yours. + +SECOND GUARDIAN.--There is nothing so plain as that this Lewis has a +design to ruin all his neighbouring tradesmen, and at this time he has +such a prodigious income by his trade of all kinds, that, if there +is not some stop put to his exorbitant riches, he will monopolise +everything; nobody will be able to sell a yard of drapery or mercery +ware but himself. I then hold it advisable that you continue the lawsuit +and burst him at once. My concern for the three poor motherless children +obliges me to give you this advice; for their estates, poor girls, +depend upon the success of this cause. + +THIRD GUARDIAN.--I own this Writ of Ejectment has cost dear, but then +consider it is a jewel well worth the purchasing at the price of all +you have. None but Mr. Bull's declared enemies can say he has any other +security for his clothing trade but the ejectment of Lord Strutt. The +only question, then, that remains to be decided is: who shall stand the +expenses of the suit? To which the answer is as plain: who but he that +is to have the advantage of the sentence? When Esquire South has got +possession of his title and honour is not John Bull to be his clothier? +Who, then, but John ought to put in possession? Ask but any indifferent +gentleman, Who ought to bear his charges at law? and he will readily +answer, His tradesmen. I do therefore affirm, and I will go to death +with it, that, being his clothier, you ought to put him in quiet +possession of his estate, and with the same generous spirit you have +begun it complete the good work. If you persist in the bad measures you +are now in, what must become of the three poor orphans! My heart bleeds +for the poor girls. + +JOHN BULL.--You are all very eloquent persons, but give me leave to tell +you you express a great deal more concern for the three girls than for +me. I think my interest ought to be considered in the first place. As +for you, Hocus, I can't but say you have managed my lawsuit with great +address and much to my honour, and, though I say it, you have been well +paid for it. Why must the burden be taken off Frog's back and laid upon +my shoulders? He can drive about his own parks and fields in his gilt +chariot, when I have been forced to mortgage my estate; his note will +go farther than my bond. Is it not matter of fact, that from the richest +tradesman in all the country, I am reduced to beg and borrow from +scriveners and usurers that suck the heart, blood, and guts out of me, +and what is all this for! Did you like Frog's countenance better than +mine? Was not I your old friend and relation? Have I not presented you +nobly? Have I not clad your whole family? Have you not had a hundred +yards at a time of the finest cloth in my shop? Why must the rest of the +tradesmen be not only indemnified from charges, but forbid to go on +with their own business, and what is more their concern than mine? As to +holding out this term I appeal to your own conscience, has not that been +your constant discourse these six years, "One term more and old Lewis +goes to pot?" If thou art so fond of my cause be generous for once, and +lend me a brace of thousands. Ah, Hocus! Hocus! I know thee: not a sous +to save me from jail, I trow. Look ye, gentlemen, I have lived with +credit in the world, and it grieves my heart never to stir out of my +doors but to be pulled by the sleeve by some rascally dun or other. +"Sir, remember my bill. There's a small concern of a thousand pounds; I +hope you think on't, sir." And to have these usurers transact my debts +at coffee-houses and ale-houses, as if I were going to break up shop. +Lord! that ever the rich, the generous John Bull, clothier, the envy +of all his neighbours, should be brought to compound his debts for five +shillings in the pound, and to have his name in an advertisement for +a statute of bankrupt. The thought of it makes me mad. I have read +somewhere in the Apocrypha, "That one should not consult with a woman +touching her of whom she is jealous; nor with a merchant concerning +exchange; nor with a buyer, of selling; nor with an unmerciful man, of +kindness, etc." I could have added one thing more: nor with an attorney +about compounding a lawsuit. The ejectment of Lord Strutt will never do. +The evidence is crimp: the witnesses swear backwards and forwards, and +contradict themselves; and his tenants stick by him. One tells me that +I must carry on my suit, because Lewis is poor; another, because he is +still too rich: whom shall I believe? I am sure of one thing, that a +penny in the purse is the best friend John can have at last, and who can +say that this will be the last suit I shall be engaged in? Besides, +if this ejectment were practicable is it reasonable that, when Esquire +South is losing his money to sharpers and pickpockets, going about the +country with fiddlers and buffoons, and squandering his income with +hawks and dogs, I should lay out the fruits of my honest industry in a +lawsuit for him, only upon the hopes of being his clothier? And when +the cause is over I shall not have the benefit of my project for want of +money to go to market. Look ye, gentlemen, John Bull is but a plain man, +but John Bull knows when he is ill used. I know the infirmity of our +family: we are apt to play the boon-companion and throw away our money +in our cups. But it was an unfair thing in you, gentlemen, to take +advantage of my weakness, to keep a parcel of roaring bullies about me +day and night, with huzzas and hunting horns, and ringing the changes on +butcher's cleavers; never let me cool, and make me set my hand to papers +when I could hardly hold my pen. There will come a day of reckoning for +all that proceeding. In the meantime, gentlemen, I beg you will let me +into my affairs a little, and that you would not grudge me the small +remainder of a very great estate. + + + +CHAPTER XVII. Esquire South's Message and Letter to Mrs. Bull.* + + * Complaints of the deficiencies of the House of Austria, + Prince Eugene's journey and message. + +The arguments used by Hocus and the rest of the guardians had hitherto +proved insufficient. John and his wife could not be persuaded to bear +the expense of Esquire South's lawsuit. They thought it reasonable +that, since he was to have the honour and advantage, he should bear the +greatest share of the charges, and retrench what he lost to sharpers and +spent upon country dances and puppet plays to apply it to that use. This +was not very grateful to the esquire; therefore, as the last experiment, +he was resolved to send Signior Benenato, master of his foxhounds, to +Mrs. Bull to try what good he could do with her. This Signior Benenato +had all the qualities of a fine gentleman that were set to charm a +lady's heart, and if any person in the world could have persuaded her +it was he. But such was her unshaken fidelity to her husband, and the +constant purpose of her mind to pursue his interest, that the most +refined arts of gallantry that were practised could not seduce her +heart. The necklaces, diamond crosses, and rich bracelets that were +offered she rejected with the utmost scorn and disdain. The music and +serenades that were given her sounded more ungratefully in her ears than +the noise of a screech owl. However, she received Esquire South's letter +by the hands of Signior Benenato with that respect which became his +quality. The copy of the letter is as follows, in which you will observe +he changes a little his usual style:-- + +MADAM,--The Writ of Ejectment against Philip Baboon (pretended Lord +Strutt) is just ready to pass. There want but a few necessary forms and +a verdict or two more to put me in the quiet possession of my honour and +estate. I question not but that, according to your wonted generosity and +goodness, you will give it the finishing stroke: an honour that I would +grudge anybody but yourself. In order to ease you of some part of the +charges, I promise to furnish pen, ink, and paper, provided you pay +for the stamps. Besides, I have ordered my stewards to pay out of the +readiest and best of my rents five pounds ten shillings a year till +my suit is finished. I wish you health and happiness, being with due +respect, + +Madam, your assured friend, + +SOUTH. + + +What answer Mrs. Bull returned to this letter you shall know in +my second part, only they were at a pretty good distance in their +proposals; for as Esquire South only offered to be at the charges of +pen, ink, and paper, Mrs. Bull refused any more than to lend her barge* +to carry his counsel to Westminster Hall. + + * Sending the English Fleet to convoy the forces to + Barcelona. + + + + +PART II. + + + + +THE PUBLISHER'S PREFACE. + +The world is much indebted to the famous Sir Humphry Polesworth for his +ingenious and impartial account of John Bull's lawsuit. Yet there is +just cause of complaint against him, in that he relates it only by +parcels, and won't give us the whole work. This forces me, who am only +the publisher, to bespeak the assistance of his friends and acquaintance +to engage him to lay aside that stingey humour and gratify the curiosity +of the public at once. He pleads in excuse that they are only private +memoirs, wrote for his own use in a loose style to serve as a help to +his ordinary conversation. I represented to him the good reception the +first part had met with; that, though calculated only for the meridian +of Grub Street, it was yet taken notice of by the better sort; that the +world was now sufficiently acquainted with John Bull, and interested +itself in his concerns. He answered with a smile, that he had, indeed, +some trifling things to impart that concerned John Bull's relations and +domestic affairs. If these would satisfy me he gave me free leave to +make use of them, because they would serve to make the history of the +lawsuit more intelligible. When I had looked over the manuscript I found +likewise some further account of the composition, which, perhaps, may +not be unacceptable to such as have read the former part. + + + +CHAPTER I. The Character of John Bull's Mother.* + + * The Church of England. + +John had a mother whom he loved and honoured extremely, a discreet, +grave, sober, good-conditioned, cleanly old gentlewoman as ever lived. +She was none of your cross-grained, termagant, scolding jades that one +had as good be hanged as live in the house with, such as are always +censuring the conduct and telling scandalous stories of their +neighbours, extolling their own good qualities and undervaluing those +of others. On the contrary, she was of a meek spirit, and, as she was +strictly virtuous herself, so she always put the best construction +upon the words and actions of her neighbours, except where they were +irreconcileable to the rules of honesty and decency. She was neither +one of your precise prudes, nor one of your fantastical old belles that +dress themselves like girls of fifteen; as she neither wore a ruff, +forehead-cloth, nor high-crowned hat, so she had laid aside feathers, +flowers, and crimpt ribbons in her head-dress, furbelow-scarfs, and +hooped-petticoats. She scorned to patch and paint, yet she loved to +keep her hands and her face clean. Though she wore no flaunting laced +ruffles, she would not keep herself in a constant sweat with greasy +flannel. Though her hair was not stuck with jewels, she was not ashamed +of a diamond cross; she was not, like some ladies, hung about with toys +and trinkets, tweezer-cases, pocket-glasses, and essence-bottles; she +used only a gold watch and an almanack to mark the hours and the holy +days. + +Her furniture was neat and genteel, well fancied with a bon gout. As she +affected not the grandeur of a state with a canopy, she thought there +was no offence in an elbow-chair. She had laid aside your carving, +gilding, and Japan work as being too apt to gather dirt. But she never +could be prevailed upon to part with plain wainscot and clean hangings. +There are some ladies that affect to smell a stink in everything; they +are always highly perfumed, and continually burning frankincense in +their rooms. She was above such affectation, yet she never would lay +aside the use of brooms and scrubbing-brushes, and scrupled not to lay +her linen in fresh lavender. + +She was no less genteel in her behaviour, well-bred, without +affectation; in the due mean between one of your affected, curtseying +pieces of formality and your romps that have no regard to the common +rules of civility. There are some ladies that affect a mighty regard for +their relations. "We must not eat to-day, for my uncle Tom, or my cousin +Betty, died this time ten years. Let's have a ball to-night, it is my +neighbour Such-a-one's birthday." She looked upon all this as grimace, +yet she constantly observed her husband's birthday, her wedding-day, and +some few more. + +Though she was a truly good woman, and had a sincere motherly love for +her son John, yet there wanted not those who endeavoured to create a +misunderstanding between them, and they had so far prevailed with him +once that he turned her out of doors, to his great sorrow, as he found +afterwards, for his affairs went on at sixes and sevens. + +She was no less judicious in the turn of her conversation and choice of +her studies, in which she far exceeded all her sex. Your rakes that hate +the company of all sober, grave gentlewomen would bear hers, and she +would, by her handsome manner of proceeding, sooner reclaim than some +that were more sour and reserved. She was a zealous preacher up of +conjugal fidelity in wives, and by no means a friend to the new-fangled +doctrine of the indispensable duty of change. Though she advanced her +opinions with a becoming assurance, yet she never ushered them in as +some positive creatures will do, with dogmatical assertions. "This is +infallible; I cannot be mistaken; none but a rogue can deny it." It has +been observed that such people are oftener in the wrong than anybody. + +Though she had a thousand good qualities, she was not without her +faults, amongst which one might, perhaps, reckon too great lenity to +her servants, to whom she always gave good counsel, but often too +gentle correction. I thought I could not say less of John Bull's mother, +because she bears a part in the following transactions. + + + +CHAPTER II. The Character of John Bull's Sister Peg,* with the Quarrels +that happened between Master and Miss in their Childhood. + + * The nation and Church of Scotland. + +John had a sister, a poor girl that had been starved at nurse. Anybody +would have guessed Miss to have been bred up under the influence of a +cruel stepdame, and John to be the fondling of a tender mother. John +looked ruddy and plump, with a pair of cheeks like a trumpeter; Miss +looked pale and wan, as if she had the green sickness; and no wonder, +for John was the darling: he had all the good bits, was crammed with +good pullet, chicken, pig, goose, and capon; while Miss had only a +little oatmeal and water, or a dry crust without butter. John had his +golden pippins, peaches, and nectarines; poor Miss, a crab-apple, sloe, +or a blackberry. Master lay in the best apartment, with his bedchamber +towards the south sun. Miss lodged in a garret exposed to the north +wind, which shrivelled her countenance. However, this usage, though it +stunted the girl in her growth, gave her a hardy constitution; she had +life and spirit in abundance, and knew when she was ill-used. Now and +then she would seize upon John's commons, snatch a leg of a pullet, or +a bit of good beef, for which they were sure to go to fisticuffs. Master +was indeed too strong for her, but Miss would not yield in the least +point; but even when Master had got her down, she would scratch and bite +like a tiger; when he gave her a cuff on the ear, she would prick him +with her knitting-needle. John brought a great chain one day to tie her +to the bedpost, for which affront Miss aimed a penknife at his heart. In +short, these quarrels grew up to rooted aversions; they gave one another +nicknames, though the girl was a tight clever wench as any was, and +through her pale looks you might discern spirit and vivacity, which made +her not, indeed, a perfect beauty, but something that was agreeable. It +was barbarous in parents not to take notice of these early quarrels, and +make them live better together, such domestic feuds proving afterwards +the occasion of misfortunes to them both. Peg had, indeed, some odd +humours* and comical antipathy, for which John would jeer her. "What +think you of my sister Peg," says he, "that faints at the sound of an +organ, and yet will dance and frisk at the noise of a bagpipe?" "What's +that to you?" quoth Peg. "Everybody's to choose their own music." Then +Peg had taken a fancy not to say her Paternoster, which made people +imagine strange things of her. Of the three brothers that have made such +a clutter in the world--Lord Peter, Martin, and Jack--Jack had of late +been her inclinations. Lord Peter she detested, nor did Martin stand +much better in her good graces; but Jack had found the way to her heart. +I have often admired what charms she discovered in that awkward booby, +till I talked with a person that was acquainted with the intrigue, who +gave me the following account of it. + + * Love of Presbytery. + + + +CHAPTER III. Jack's Charms,* or the Method by which he gained Peg's +Heart. + + * Character of the Presbyterians. + +In the first place, Jack was a very young fellow, by much the youngest +of the three brothers, and people, indeed, wondered how such a young +upstart jackanapes should grow so pert and saucy, and take so much upon +him. + +Jack bragged of greater abilities than other men. He was well gifted, +as he pretended: I need not tell you what secret influence that has upon +the ladies. + +Jack had a most scandalous tongue, and persuaded Peg that all mankind, +besides himself, were plagued by that scarlet-faced woman, Signiora +Bubonia.* "As for his brother, Lord Peter, the tokens were evident on +him--blotches and scabs. His brother Martin, though he was not quite +so bad, had some nocturnal pains, which his friends pretended were only +scorbutical; but he was sure it proceeded from a worse cause." By such +malicious insinuations he had possessed the lady that he was the only +man in the world of a sound, pure, and untainted constitution, though +there were some that stuck not to say that Signiora Bubonia and Jack +railed at one another only the better to hide an intrigue, and that Jack +had been found with Signiora under his cloak, carrying her home on a +dark stormy night. + + * The Woman of Babylon, or the Pope. + +Jack was a prodigious ogler; he would ogle you the outside of his eye +inward, and the white upward. + +Jack gave himself out for a man of a great estate in the Fortunate +Islands, of which the sole property was vested in his person. By this +trick he cheated abundance of poor people of small sums, pretending to +make over plantations in the said islands; but when the poor wretches +came there with Jack's grant, they were beat, mocked, and turned out of +doors. + +I told you that Peg was whimsical, and loved anything that was +particular. In that way Jack was her man, for he neither thought, spoke, +dressed, nor acted like other mortals. He was for your bold strokes. He +railed at fops, though he was himself the most affected in the world; +instead of the common fashion, he would visit his mistress in a +mourning-cloak, band, short cuffs, and a peaked beard. He invented a way +of coming into a room backwards, which he said showed more humility and +less affectation. Where other people stood, he sat; where they sat, he +stood; when he went to Court, he used to kick away the state, and sit +down by his prince cheek by jowl. "Confound these states," says he, +"they are a modern invention." When he spoke to his prince, he always +turned his back upon him. If he was advised to fast for his health, he +would eat roast beef; if he was allowed a more plentiful diet, then +he would be sure that day to live upon water-gruel; he would cry at a +wedding, laugh and make jests at a funeral. + +He was no less singular in his opinions. You would have burst your sides +to hear him talk of politics. "All government," says he, "is founded +upon the right distribution of punishments: decent executions keep +the world in awe; for that reason, the majority of mankind ought to be +hanged every year. For example, I suppose the magistrate ought to pass +an irreversible sentence upon all blue-eyed children from the cradle; +but that there may be some show of justice in this proceeding, these +children ought to be trained up by masters, appointed for that purpose, +to all sorts of villany, that they may deserve their fate, and the +execution of them may serve as an object of terror to the rest of +mankind."* As to the giving of pardons, he had this singular method:** +that when these wretches had the rope about their necks, it should be +inquired who believed they should be hanged, and who not? The first were +to be pardoned, the last hanged outright. Such as were once pardoned +were never to be hanged afterwards for any crime whatsoever. He had such +skill in physiognomy, that he would pronounce peremptorily upon a man's +face. "That fellow," says he, "do what he will, can't avoid hanging; +he has a hanging look." By the same art he would prognosticate a +principality to a scoundrel. + + * Absolute predestination and reprobation. + + ** Saving Faith: a belief that one shall certainly be + saved. + +He was no less particular in the choice of his studies; they were +generally bent towards exploded chimeras*--the perpetuum mobile, the +circular shot, philosopher's stone, silent gunpowder, making chains +for fleas, nets for flies, and instruments to unravel cobwebs and split +hairs. + + * The learning of the Presbyterians. + +Thus, I think, I have given a distinct account of the methods he +practised upon Peg. Her brother would now and then ask her, "What dost +thou see in that pragmatical coxcomb to make thee so in love with him? +He is a fit match for a tailor's or a shoemaker's daughter, but not for +you that are a gentlewoman?" "Fancy is free," quoth Peg; "I'll take my +own way, do you take yours. I do not care for your flaunting beaus, that +gang with their breasts open, and their sarks over their waistcoats, +that accost me with set speeches out of Sidney's 'Arcadia' or the +'Academy of Compliments.' Jack is a sober, grave young man; though he +has none of your studied harangues, his meaning is sincere. He has a +great regard to his father's will, and he that shows himself a good son +will make a good husband. Besides, I know he has the original deed of +conveyance to the Fortunate Islands; the others are counterfeits." There +is nothing so obstinate as a young lady in her amours; the more you +cross her, the worse she is. + + + +CHAPTER IV. How the relations reconciled John and his sister Peg, and +what return Peg made to John's message.* + + * The Treaty of Union. Reason of it: the Succession not + being settled in Scotland. Fears for the Presbyterian + Church Government, and of being burdened with the English + National Debts. + +John Bull, otherwise a good-natured man, was very hard-hearted to his +sister Peg, chiefly from an aversion he had conceived in his infancy. +While he flourished, kept a warm house, and drove a plentiful trade, +poor Peg was forced to go hawking and peddling about the streets selling +knives, scissors, and shoe-buckles; now and then carried a basket of +fish to the market; sewed, spun, and knit for a livelihood, till her +fingers' ends were sore; and when she could not get bread for her +family, she was forced to hire them out at journey-work to her +neighbours. Yet in these her poor circumstances she still preserved +the air and mien of a gentlewoman--a certain decent pride that extorted +respect from the haughtiest of her neighbours. When she came in to any +full assembly, she would not yield the pas to the best of them. If one +asked her, "Are not you related to John Bull?" "Yes," says she, "he +has the honour to be my brother." So Peg's affairs went till all the +relations cried out shame upon John for his barbarous usage of his own +flesh and blood; that it was an easy matter for him to put her in a +creditable way of living, not only without hurt, but with advantage to +himself, seeing she was an industrious person, and might be serviceable +to him in his way of business. "Hang her, jade," quoth John, "I can't +endure her as long as she keeps that rascal Jack's company." They told +him the way to reclaim her was to take her into his house; that by +conversation the childish humours of their younger days might be worn +out. These arguments were enforced by a certain incident. It happened +that John was at that time about making his will* and entailing his +estate, the very same in which Nic. Frog is named executor. Now, his +sister Peg's name being in the entail, he could not make a thorough +settlement without her consent. There was, indeed, a malicious story +went about as if John's last wife had fallen in love with Jack as he +was eating custard on horseback;** that she persuaded John to take his +sister into the house the better to drive on the intrigue with Jack, +concluding he would follow his mistress Peg. All I can infer from this +story is that when one has got a bad character in the world people will +report and believe anything of them, true or false. But to return to +my story. When Peg received John's message she huffed and stormed: +"My brother John," quoth she, "is grown wondrous kind-hearted all of +a sudden, but I meikle doubt whether it be not mair for their own +conveniency than for my good; he draws up his writs and his deeds, +forsooth, and I must set my hand to them, unsight, unseen. I like the +young man he has settled upon well enough, but I think I ought to have +a valuable consideration for my consent. He wants my poor little farm +because it makes a nook in his park-wall. Ye may e'en tell him he has +mair than he makes good use of; he gangs up and down drinking, roaring, +and quarrelling, through all the country markets, making foolish +bargains in his cups, which he repents when he is sober; like a +thriftless wretch, spending the goods and gear that his forefathers +won with the sweat of their brows: light come, light go, he cares not a +farthing. But why should I stand surety for his contracts? The little I +have is free, and I can call it my awn--hame's hame, let it be never so +hamely. I ken him well enough, he could never abide me, and when he has +his ends he'll e'en use me as he did before. I'm sure I shall be treated +like a poor drudge--I shall be set to tend the bairns, darn the hose, +and mend the linen. Then there's no living with that old carline his +mother; she rails at Jack, and Jack's an honester man than any of her +kin: I shall be plagued with her spells and her Paternosters, and silly +old world ceremonies; I mun never pare my nails on a Friday, nor begin a +journey on Childermas Day; and I mun stand beeking and binging as I +gang out and into the hall. Tell him he may e'en gang his get; I'll have +nothing to do with him; I'll stay like the poor country mouse, in my awn +habitation." So Peg talked; but for all that, by the interposition of +good friends, and by many a bonny thing that was sent, and many more +that were promised Peg, the matter was concluded, and Peg taken into the +house upon certain articles:*** one of which was that she might have the +freedom of Jack's conversation, and might take him for better and for +worse if she pleased: provided always he did not come into the house at +unseasonable hours and disturb the rest of the old woman, John's mother. + + * The Act of Succession. + + ** A Presbyterian Lord Mayor. + + *** The Act of Toleration. + + + +CHAPTER V. Of some Quarrels that happened after Peg was taken into the +Family.* + + *Quarrels about some of the Articles of Union, particularly + the peerage. + +It is an old observation that the quarrels of relations are harder to +reconcile than any other; injuries from friends fret and gall more, +and the memory of them is not so easily obliterated. This is cunningly +represented by one of your old sages called Aesop, in the story of the +bird that was grieved extremely at being wounded with an arrow feathered +with his own wing; as also of the oak that let many a heavy groan when +he was cleft with a wedge of his own timber. + +There was no man in the world less subject to rancour than John Bull, +considering how often his good nature has been abused; yet I don't +know but he was too apt to hearken to tattling people that carry tales +between him and his sister Peg, on purpose to sow jealousies and set +them together by the ears. They say that there were some hardships put +upon Peg which had been better let alone; but it was the business +of good people to restrain the injuries on one side and moderate the +resentments on the other--a good friend acts both parts, the one without +the other will not do. + +The purchase-money of Peg's farm was ill paid;* then Peg loved a little +good liquor, and the servants shut up the wine-cellar; but for that Peg +found a trick, for she made a false key.** Peg's servants complained +that they were debarred from all manner of business, and never suffered +to touch the least thing within the house; if they offered to come into +the warehouse, then straight went the yard slap over their noddle; if +they ventured into the counting-room a fellow would throw an ink-bottle +at their head; if they came into the best apartment to set anything +there in order, they were saluted with a broom; if they meddled with +anything in the kitchen it was odds but the cook laid them over the pate +with a ladle; one that would have got into the stables was met by two +rascals, who fell to work with him with a brush and a curry-comb; some +climbing up into the coachbox, were told that one of their companions +had been there before that could not drive, then slap went the long whip +about their ears. + + * The equivalent not paid. + + ** Run wine. + +On the other hand, it was complained that Peg's servants were always +asking for drink-money; that they had more than their share of the +Christmas-box.* To say the truth, Peg's lads bustled pretty hard for +that, for when they were endeavouring to lock it up they got in their +great fists and pulled out handfuls of halfcrowns, shillings, and +sixpences. Others in the scramble picked up guineas and broad-pieces. +But there happened a worse thing than all this: it was complained that +Peg's servants had great stomachs, and brought so many of their friends +and acquaintance to the table that John's family was like to be eaten +out of house and home. Instead of regulating this matter as it ought to +be, Peg's young men were thrust away from the table; then there was the +devil and all to do--spoons, plates, and dishes flew about the room like +mad, and Sir Roger, who was now Majordomo, had enough to do to quiet +them. Peg said this was contrary to agreement, whereby she was in all +things to be treated like a child of the family. Then she called upon +those that had made her such fair promises, and undertook for her +brother John's good behaviour; but, alas! to her cost she found that +they were the first and readiest to do her the injury. John at last +agreed to this regulation: that Peg's footmen might sit with his +book-keeper, journeymen, and apprentices, and Peg's better sort of +servants might sit with his footmen if they pleased.** + + * Endeavoured to get their share of places. + + ** Articles of Union, whereby they could make a Scot's + commoner, but not a lord a peer. + +Then they began to order plum-porridge and minced pies for Peg's dinner. +Peg told them she had an aversion to that sort of food; that upon +forcing down a mess of it some years ago it threw her into a fit till +she brought it up again. Some alleged it was nothing but humour, that +the same mess should be served up again for supper, and breakfast next +morning; others would have made use of a horn, but the wiser sort bid +let her alone, and she might take to it of her own accord. + + + +CHAPTER VI. The conversation between John Bull and his wife.* + + * The history of the Partition Treaty; suspicions at that + time that the French King intended to take the whole, and + that he revealed the secret to the Court of Spain. + +MRS. BULL.--Though our affairs, honey, are in a bad condition, I have +a better opinion of them since you seemed to be convinced of the ill +course you have been in, and are resolved to submit to proper remedies. +But when I consider your immense debts, your foolish bargains, and the +general disorder of your business, I have a curiosity to know what fate +or chance has brought you into this condition. + +JOHN BULL.--I wish you would talk of some other subject, the thoughts of +it makes me mad; our family must have their run. + +MRS. BULL.--But such a strange thing as this never happened to any of +your family before: they have had lawsuits, but, though they spent the +income, they never mortgaged the stock. Sure, you must have some of the +Norman or the Norfolk blood in you. Prithee, give me some account of +these matters. + +JOHN BULL.--Who could help it? There lives not such a fellow by bread as +that old Lewis Baboon: he is the most cheating, contentious rogue upon +the face of the earth. You must know, one day, as Nic. Frog and I were +over a bottle making up an old quarrel, the old fellow would needs have +us drink a bottle of his champagne, and so one after another, till my +friend Nic. and I, not being used to such heady stuff, got very drunk. +Lewis all the while, either by the strength of his brain or flinching +his glass, kept himself sober as a judge. "My worthy friends," quoth +Lewis, "henceforth let us live neighbourly; I am as peaceable and quiet +as a lamb of my own temper, but it has been my misfortune to live among +quarrelsome neighbours. There is but one thing can make us fall out, +and that is the inheritance of Lord Strutt's estate: I am content, for +peace' sake, to waive my right, and submit to any expedient to prevent +a lawsuit; I think an equal division* will be the fairest way." "Well +moved, Old Lewis," quoth Frog, "and I hope my friend John here will +not be refractory." At the same time he clapped me on the back, and +slabbered me all over from cheek to cheek with his great tongue. "Do as +you please, gentlemen," quoth I, "'tis all one to John Bull." We agreed +to part that night, and next morning to meet at the corner of Lord +Strutt's park wall, with our surveying instruments, which accordingly +we did. Old Lewis carried a chain and a semicircle; Nic., paper, rulers, +and a lead pencil; and I followed at some distance with a long pole. We +began first with surveying the meadow grounds, afterwards we measured +the cornfields, close by close; then we proceeded to the woodlands, the +copper and tin mines.** All this while Nic. laid down everything exactly +upon paper, calculated the acres and roods to a great nicety. When +we had finished the land, we were going to break into the house +and gardens, to take an inventory of his plate, pictures, and other +furniture. + + * The Partition Treaty. + + ** The West Indies. + +MRS. BULL.--What said Lord Strutt to all this? + +JOHN BULL.--As we had almost finished our concern, we were accosted by +some of Lord Strutt's servants. "Heyday! what's here? what a devil's +the meaning of all these trangrams and gimcracks, gentlemen? What in the +name of wonder, are you going about, jumping over my master's hedges, +and running your lines cross his grounds? If you are at any field +pastime, you might have asked leave: my master is a civil well-bred +person as any is." + +MRS. BULL.--What could you answer to this? + +JOHN BULL.--Why, truly, my neighbour Frog and I were still hot-headed; +we told him his master was an old doting puppy, that minded nothing of +his own business; that we were surveying his estate, and settling it +for him, since he would not do it himself. Upon this there happened a +quarrel, but we being stronger than they, sent them away with a flea in +their ear. They went home and told their master. "My lord," say they, +"there are three odd sort of fellows going about your grounds with the +strangest machines that ever we beheld in our life: I suppose they are +going to rob your orchard, fell your trees, or drive away your cattle. +They told us strange things of settling your estate--one is a lusty +old fellow in a black wig, with a black beard, without teeth; there's +another, thick squat fellow, in trunk hose; the third is a little, +long-nosed, thin man (I was then lean, being just come out of a fit +of sickness)--I suppose it is fit to send after them, lest they carry +something away?" + +MRS. BULL.--I fancy this put the old fellow in a rare tweague. + +JOHN BULL.--Weak as he was, he called for his long Toledo, swore and +bounced about the room: "'Sdeath! what am I come to, to be affronted +so by my tradesmen? I know the rascals: my barber, clothier, and +linen-draper dispose of my estate! Bring hither my blunderbuss; I'll +warrant ye you shall see daylight through them. Scoundrels! dogs! the +scum of the earth! Frog, that was my father's kitchen-boy, he pretend to +meddle with my estate--with my will! Ah, poor Strutt! what are thou come +to at last? Thou hast lived too long in the world, to see thy age and +infirmity so despised! How will the ghosts of my noble ancestors receive +these tidings?--they cannot, they must not sleep quietly in their +graves." In short, the old gentleman was carried off in a fainting fit, +and after bleeding in both arms hardly recovered. + +MRS. BULL.--Really this was a very extraordinary way of proceeding! I +long to hear the rest of it. + +JOHN BULL.--After we had come back to the tavern, and taken t'other +bottle of champagne, we quarrelled a little about the division of the +estate. Lewis hauled and pulled the map on one side and Frog and I on +t'other, till we had like to have tore the parchment to pieces. At last +Lewis pulled out a pair of great tailor's shears and clipt a corner for +himself, which he said was a manor that lay convenient for him, and left +Frog and me the rest to dispose of as we pleased. We were overjoyed to +think Lewis was contented with so little, not smelling what was at the +bottom of the plot. There happened, indeed, an incident that gave us +some disturbance. A cunning fellow, one of my servants, two days after, +peeping through the keyhole, observed that old Lewis had stole away +our part of the map, and saw him fiddling and turning the map from one +corner to the other, trying to join the two pieces together again. He +was muttering something to himself, which he did not well hear, only +these words, "'Tis great pity! 'tis great pity!" My servant added that +he believed this had some ill meaning. I told him he was a coxcomb, +always pretending to be wiser than his companions. Lewis and I are good +friends, he's an honest fellow, and I daresay will stand to his bargain. +The sequel of the story proved this fellow's suspicion to be too well +grounded; for Lewis revealed our whole secret to the deceased Lord +Strutt, who in reward for his treachery, and revenge to Frog and +me, settled his whole estate upon the present Philip Baboon. Then we +understood what he meant by piecing the map together. + +MRS. BULL.--And were you surprised at this? Had not Lord Strutt +reason to be angry? Would you have been contented to have been so used +yourself? + +JOHN BULL.--Why, truly, wife, it was not easily reconciled to the common +methods; but then it was the fashion to do such things. I have read of +your golden age, your silver age, etc.; one might justly call this +the age of the lawyers. There was hardly a man of substance in all the +country but had a counterfeit that pretended to his estate.* As the +philosophers say that there is a duplicate of every terrestrial animal +at sea, so it was in this age of the lawyers: there were at least two +of everything; nay, o' my conscience, I think there were three Esquire +Hackums** at one time. In short, it was usual for a parcel of fellows +to meet and dispose of the whole estates in the country. "This lies +convenient for me, Tom. Thou wouldst do more good with that, Dick, than +the old fellow that has it." So to law they went with the true owners: +the lawyers got well by it; everybody else was undone. It was a common +thing for an honest man when he came home at night to find another +fellow domineering in his family, hectoring his servants, and calling +for supper. In every house you might observe two Sosias quarrelling who +was master. For my own part, I am still afraid of the same treatment: +that I should find somebody behind my counter selling my broad-cloth. + + * Several Pretenders at that time. + + ** Kings of England. + +MRS. BULL.--There is a sort of fellows they call banterers and +bamboozlers that play such tricks, but it seems these fellows were in +earnest. + +JOHN BULL.--I begin to think that justice is a better rule than +conveniency, for all some people make so slight on it. + + + +CHAPTER VII. Of the hard shifts Mrs. Bull was put to preserve the Manor +of Bullock's Hatch, with Sir Roger's method to keep off importunate +duns.* + + * Some attempts to destroy the public credit at that time. + Manners of the Earl of Oxford. + +As John Bull and his wife were talking together they were surprised with +a sudden knocking at the door. "Those wicked scriveners and lawyers, no +doubt," quoth John; and so it was, some asking for the money he owed, +and others warning to prepare for the approaching term. "What a cursed +life do I lead!" quoth John; "debt is like deadly sin. For God's sake, +Sir Roger, get me rid of the fellows." "I'll warrant you," quoth Sir +Roger; "leave them to me." And, indeed, it was pleasant enough to +observe Sir Roger's method with these importunate duns. His sincere +friendship for John Bull made him submit to many things for his service +which he would have scorned to have done for himself. Sometimes he would +stand at the door with his long staff to keep off the duns, until +John got out at the back door. When the lawyers and tradesmen brought +extravagant bills Sir Roger used to bargain beforehand for leave to cut +off a quarter of a yard in any part of the bill he pleased; he wore a +pair of scissors in his pocket for this purpose, and would snip it off +so nicely as you cannot imagine. Like a true goldsmith he kept all your +holidays; there was not one wanting in his calendar; when ready money +was scarce, he would set them a-telling a thousand pounds in sixpences, +groats, and threepenny-pieces. It would have done your heart good to +have seen him charge through an army of lawyers, attorneys, clerks, and +tradesmen; sometimes with sword in hand, at other times nuzzling like +an eel in the mud. When a fellow stuck like a bur, that there was no +shaking him off, he used to be mighty inquisitive about the health of +his uncles and aunts in the country; he could call them all by their +names, for he knew everybody, and could talk to them in their own way. +The extremely impertinent he would send away to see some strange sight, +as the Dragon of Hockley the Hole, or bid him call the 30th of next +February. Now and then you would see him in the kitchen, weighing the +beef and butter, paying ready money, that the maids might not run a tick +at the market, and the butchers, by bribing of them, sell damaged and +light meat.* Another time he would slip into the cellar and gauge the +casks. In his leisure minutes he was posting his books and gathering in +his debts. Such frugal methods were necessary where money was so scarce +and duns so numerous. All this while John kept his credit, could show +his head both at 'Change and Westminster Hall; no man protested his bill +nor refused his bond; only the sharpers and the scriveners, the lawyers +and other clerks pelted Sir Roger as he went along. The squirters were +at it with their kennel water, for they were mad for the loss of +their bubble, and that they could not get him to mortgage the manor +of Bullock's Hatch. Sir Roger shook his ears and nuzzled along, well +satisfied within himself that he was doing a charitable work in rescuing +an honest man from the claws of harpies and bloodsuckers. Mrs. Bull did +all that an affectionate wife, and a good housewife, could do; yet the +boundaries of virtues are indivisible lines. It is impossible to march +up close to the frontiers of frugality without entering the territories +of parsimony. Your good housewives are apt to look into the minutest +things; therefore some blamed Mrs. Bull for new heel-pieceing of her +shoes, grudging a quarter of a pound of soap and sand to scour the +rooms**; but, especially, that she would not allow her maids and +apprentices the benefit of "John Bunyan," the "London Apprentices," or +the "Seven Champions," in the black letter.*** + + * Some regulations as to the purveyance in the Queen's + family. + + ** Too great savings in the House of Commons. + + *** Restraining the liberty of the Press by Act of + Parliament. + + + +CHAPTER VIII. A continuation of the conversation betwixt John Bull and +his wife. + +MRS. BULL.--It is a most sad life we lead, my dear, to be so teazed, +paying interest for old debts, and still contracting new ones. However, +I don't blame you for vindicating your honour and chastising old Lewis. +To curb the insolent, protect the oppressed, recover one's own, and +defend what one has, are good effects of the law. The only thing I want +to know is how you came to make an end of your money before you finished +your suit. + +JOHN BULL.--I was told by the learned in the law that my suit stood upon +three firm pillars: more money for more law, more law for more +money, and no composition. More money for more law was plain to a +demonstration, for who can go to law without money? and it was plain +that any man that has money may have law for it. The third was as +evident as the other two; for what composition could be made with a +rogue that never kept a word he said? + +MRS. BULL.--I think you are most likely to get out of this labyrinth +by the second door, by want of ready money to purchase this precious +commodity. But you seem not only to have bought too much of it, but have +paid too dear for what you bought, else how was it possible to run +so much in debt when at this very time the yearly income of what is +mortgaged to those usurers would discharge Hocus's bills, and give you +your bellyfull of law for all your life, without running one sixpence +in debt? You have been bred up to business; I suppose you can cypher; I +wonder you never used your pen and ink. + +JOHN BULL.--Now you urge me too far; prithee, dear wife, hold thy +tongue. Suppose a young heir, heedless, raw, and inexperienced, full +of spirit and vigour, with a favourite passion, in the hands of money +scriveners. Such fellows are like your wire-drawing mills: if they get +hold of a man's finger they will pull in his whole body at last, till +they squeeze the heart, blood, and guts out of him. When I wanted money, +half a dozen of these fellows were always waiting in my ante-chamber +with their securities ready drawn.* I was tempted with the ready, some +farm or other went to pot. I received with one hand, and paid it away +with the other to lawyers that, like so many hell hounds, were ready to +devour me. Then the rogues would plead poverty and scarcity of money, +which always ended in receiving ninety for the hundred. After they had +got possession of my best rents they were able to supply me with my own +money. But, what was worse, when I looked into the securities there was +no clause of redemption. + + * Methods of preying upon the necessities of the Government. + +MRS. BULL.--No clause of redemption, say you? That's hard. + +JOHN BULL.--No great matter. For I cannot pay them. They had got a +worse trick than that. The same man bought and sold to himself, paid the +money, and gave the acquittance; the same man was butcher and grazier, +brewer and butler, cook and poulterer. There is something still worse +than all this. There came twenty bills upon me at once, which I had +given money to discharge. I was like to be pulled to pieces by brewer, +butcher, and baker; even my herb-woman dunned me as I went along the +streets. Thanks to my friend Sir Roger, else I must have gone to jail. +When I asked the meaning of this, I was told the money went to the +lawyers. "Counsel won't tick, sir." Hocus was urging; my book-keeper +sat sotting all day, playing at Put and All-fours. In short, by griping +usurers, devouring lawyers, and negligent servants I am brought to this +pass. + +MRS. BULL.--This was hard usage. But methinks the least reflection might +have retrieved you. + +JOHN BULL.--'Tis true; yet consider my circumstances--my honour was +engaged, and I did not know how to get out. Besides, I was for five +years often drunk, always muddled; they carried me from tavern to +tavern, to ale-houses and brandy-shops, and brought me acquainted with +such strange dogs. "There goes the prettiest fellow in the world," says +one, "for managing a jury: make him yours. There's another can pick you +up witnesses. Serjeant such-a-one has a silver tongue at the bar."* I +believe, in time I should have retained every single person within the +Inns of Court. The night after a trial I treated the lawyers, their +wives, and daughters, with fiddles, hautboys, drums, and trumpets. I was +always hot-headed. Then they placed me in the middle, the attorneys and +their clerks dancing about me, whooping and holloing, "Long live John +Bull, the glory and support of the law!" + + * Hiring still more troops. + +MRS. BULL.--Really, husband, you went through a very notable course. + +JOHN BULL.--One of the things that first alarmed me was that they showed +a spite against my poor old mother.* "Lord," quoth I, "what makes you +so jealous of a poor, old, innocent gentlewoman, that minds only her +prayers and her Practice of Piety? She never meddles in any of your +concerns." "Fob," say they, "to see a handsome, brisk, genteel young +fellow so much governed by a doting old woman! Do you consider she keeps +you out of a good jointure? She has the best of your estate settled upon +her for a rent-charge. Hang her, old thief! turn her out of doors, +seize her lands, and let her go to law if she dares." "Soft and fair, +gentlemen," quoth I; "my mother's my mother, our family are not of an +unnatural temper. Though I don't take all her advice, I won't seize her +jointure; long may she enjoy it, good woman; I don't grudge it her. She +allows me now and then a brace of hundreds for my lawsuit; that's pretty +fair." About this time the old gentlewoman fell ill of an odd sort of a +distemper.** + + * Railing against the Church. + + ** Carelessness in forms and discipline. + +It began with a coldness and numbness in her limbs, which by degrees +affected the nerves (I think the physicians call them), seized the +brain, and at last ended in a lethargy. It betrayed itself at first in +a sort of indifference and carelessness in all her actions, coldness to +her best friends, and an aversion to stir or go about the common offices +of life. She, that was the cleanliest creature in the world, never +shrank now if you set a close-stool under her nose. She that would +sometimes rattle off her servants pretty sharply, now if she saw them +drink, or heard them talk profanely, never took any notice of it. +Instead of her usual charities to deserving persons, she threw away her +money upon roaring, swearing bullies and beggars, that went about the +streets.* "What is the matter with the old gentlewoman?" said everybody; +"she never used to do in this manner." At last the distemper grew more +violent, and threw her downright into raving fits, in which she shrieked +out so loud that she disturbed the whole neighbourhood.** In her fits +she called upon one Sir William.*** "Oh! Sir William, thou hast betrayed +me, killed me, stabbed me! See, see! Clum with his bloody knife! Seize +him! seize him! stop him! Behold the fury with her hissing snakes! +Where's my son John? Is he well, is he well? Poor man! I pity him!" And +abundance more of such strange stuff, that nobody could make anything +of. + + * Disposing of some preferments to libertine and + unprincipled persons. + + ** The too violent clamour about the danger of the Church. + + *** Sir William, a cant name of Sir Humphry's for Lord + Treasurer Godolphin. + +I knew little of the matter; for when I inquired about her health, the +answer was that she was in a good moderate way. Physicians were sent for +in haste. Sir Roger, with great difficulty, brought Ratcliff; Garth came +upon the first message. There were several others called in, but, as +usual upon such occasions, they differed strangely at the consultation. +At last they divided into two parties; one sided with Garth, the other +with Ratcliff.* Dr. Garth said, "This case seems to me to be plainly +hysterical; the old woman is whimsical; it is a common thing for your +old women to be so; I'll pawn my life, blisters, with the steel diet, +will recover her." Others suggested strong purging and letting of blood, +because she was plethoric. Some went so far as to say the old woman +was mad, and nothing would be better than a little corporal correction. +Ratcliff said, "Gentlemen, you are mistaken in this case; it is plainly +an acute distemper, and she cannot hold out three days unless she is +supported with strong cordials." I came into the room with a good deal +of concern, and asked them what they thought of my mother? "In no manner +of danger, I vow to God," quoth Garth; "the old woman is hysterical, +fanciful, sir, I vow to God." "I tell you, sir," says Ratcliff, "she +cannot live three days to an end, unless there is some very effectual +course taken with her; she has a malignant fever." Then "fool," "puppy," +and "blockhead," were the best words they gave. I could hardly restrain +them from throwing the ink-bottles at one another's heads. I forgot to +tell you that one party of the physicians desired I would take my sister +Peg into the house to nurse her, but the old gentlewoman would not hear +of that. At last one physician asked if the lady had ever been used to +take laudanum? Her maid answered, not that she knew; but, indeed, there +was a High German liveryman of hers, one Van Ptschirnsooker,** that gave +her a sort of a quack powder. The physician desired to see it. "Nay," +says he, "there is opium in this, I am sure." + + * Garth, the Low Church party. Ratcliff, High Church party. + + ** Van Ptschirnsooker, a bishop at that time, a great dealer + in politics and physic. + +MRS. BULL.--I hope you examined a little into this matter? + +JOHN BULL.--I did, indeed, and discovered a great mystery of iniquity. +The witnesses made oath that they had heard some of the liverymen* +frequently railing at their mistress. They said she was a troublesome +fiddle-faddle old woman, and so ceremonious that there was no bearing of +her. They were so plagued with bowing and cringing as they went in and +out of the room that their backs ached. She used to scold at one for his +dirty shoes, at another for his greasy hair and not combing his head. +Then she was so passionate and fiery in her temper that there was no +living with her. She wanted something to sweeten her blood. That they +never had a quiet night's rest for getting up in the morning to early +Sacraments. They wished they could find some way or another to keep the +old woman quiet in her bed. Such discourses were often overheard among +the liverymen, while the said Van Ptschirnsooker had undertook +this matter. A maid made affidavit "That she had seen the said Van +Ptschirnsooker, one of the liverymen, frequently making up of medicines +and administering them to all the neighbours; that she saw him one +morning make up the powder which her mistress took; that she had the +curiosity to ask him whence he had the ingredients. 'They come,' says +he, 'from several parts of de world. Dis I have from Geneva, dat from +Rome, this white powder from Amsterdam, and the red from Edinburgh, but +the chief ingredient of all comes from Turkey." It was likewise proved +that the said Van Ptschirnsooker had been frequently seen at the "Rose" +with Jack, who was known to bear an inveterate spite to his mistress. +That he brought a certain powder to his mistress which the examinant +believes to be the same, and spoke the following words:--"Madam, here +is grand secret van de world, my sweetening powder; it does temperate +de humour, dispel the windt, and cure de vapour; it lulleth and quieteth +the animal spirits, procuring rest and pleasant dreams. It is de +infallible receipt for de scurvy, all heats in de bloodt, and breaking +out upon de skin. It is de true bloodstancher, stopping all fluxes of de +blood. If you do take dis, you will never ail anyding; it will cure +you of all diseases." And abundance more to this purpose, which the +examinant does not remember. + + * The clergy. + +John Bull was interrupted in his story by a porter, that brought him a +letter from Nicholas Frog, which is as follows. + + + +CHAPTER IX. + +A Copy* of Nic. Frog's Letter to John Bull. + +[John Bull reads.] + +FRIEND JOHN,--What schellum is it that makes thee jealous of thy old +friend Nicholas? Hast thou forgot how some years ago he took thee out +of the sponging-house?** ['Tis true, my friend Nic. did so, and I thank +him; but he made me pay a swinging reckoning.] Thou beginnest now to +repent thy bargain that thou wast so fond of; and, if thou durst, would +forswear thy own hand and seal. Thou sayest that thou hast purchased me +too great an estate already, when, at the same time, thou knowest I have +only a mortgage. 'Tis true I have possession, and the tenants own me for +master; but has not Esquire South the equity of redemption? [No doubt, +and will redeem it very speedily; poor Nic. has only possession--eleven +points of the law.] As for the turnpikes*** I have set up, they are +for other people, not for my friend John. I have ordered my servant +constantly to attend, to let thy carriages through without paying +anything; only I hope thou wilt not come too heavy laden to spoil my +ways. Certainly I have just cause of offence against thee, my friend, +for supposing it possible that thou and I should ever quarrel. What +houndsfoot is it that puts these whims in thy head? Ten thousand last of +devils haul me, if I don't love thee as I love my life. [No question, as +the Devil loves holy-water!] Does not thy own hand and seal oblige thee +to purchase for me till I say it is enough? Are not these words plain? +I say it is not enough. Dost thou think thy friend Nicholas Frog made a +child's bargain? Mark the words of thy contract, tota pecunia (with +all thy money). [Very well! I have purchased with my own money, my +children's and my grandchildren's money--is not that enough? Well, tota +pecunia let it be, for at present I have none at all; he would not have +me purchase with other people's money, sure? Since tota pecunia is the +bargain, I think it is plain--no more money, no more purchase.] +And whatever the world may say, Nicholas Frog is but a poor man in +comparison of the rich, the opulent John Bull, great clothier of the +world. I have had many losses, six of my best sheep were drowned, and +the water has come into my cellar, and spoiled a pipe of my best brandy. +It would be a more friendly act in thee to carry a brief about the +country to repair the losses of thy poor friend. Is it not evident to +all the world that I am still hemmed in by Lewis Baboon? Is he not just +upon my borders? [And so he will be if I purchase a thousand acres more, +unless he gets somebody betwixt them.] I tell thee, friend John, thou +hast flatterers that persuade thee that thou art a man of business; do +not believe them. If thou wouldst still leave thy affairs in my hands, +thou shouldst see how handsomely I would deal by thee. That ever thou +shouldst be dazzled with the enchanted islands and mountains of gold +that old Lewis promises thee! 'Dswounds! why dost thou not lay out thy +money to purchase a place at court of honest Israel? I tell thee, thou +must not so much as think of a composition. [Not think of a composition; +that's hard indeed; I can't help thinking of it, if I would.] Thou +complainest of want of money--let thy wife and daughters burn the gold +lace of their petticoats; sell thy fat cattle; retrench but a sirloin +of beef and a peck-loaf in a week from thy gormandising. [Retrench my +beef--a dog! Retrench my beef; then it is plain the rascal has an ill +design upon me--he would starve me.] Mortgage thy manor of Bullock's +Hatch, or pawn thy crop for ten years. [A rogue! part with my +country-seat, my patrimony, all that I have left in the world; I'll +see him hanged first.] Why hast thou changed thy attorney? Can any man +manage thy cause better for thee? [Very pleasant! because a man has a +good attorney, he must never make an end of his law-suit.] Ah, John! +John! I wish thou knewest thine own mind. Thou art as fickle as the +wind. I tell thee, thou hadst better let this composition alone, or +leave it to thy + +Loving friend, + +Nic. FROG. + + * A letter from the States-General. + + ** Alluding to the Rebellion. + + *** The Dutch prohibition of trade. + + + +CHAPTER X. Of some extraordinary Things* that passed at the "Salutation" +Tavern, in the Conference between Bull, Frog, Esquire South, and Lewis +Baboon. + + * The Treaty of Utrecht: the difficulty to get them to + meet. When met, the Dutch would not speak their sentiments, + nor the French deliver in their proposals. The House of + Austria talked very high. + +Frog had given his word that he would meet the above-mentioned company +at the "Salutation," to talk of this agreement. Though he durst not +directly break his appointment, he made many a shuffling excuse: one +time he pretended to be seized with the gout in his right knee; then he +got a great cold, that had struck him deaf of one ear; afterwards two +of his coach-horses fell sick, and he durst not go by water, for fear +of catching an ague. John would take no excuse, but hurried him away. +"Come, Nic.," says he, "let's go and hear at least what this old fellow +has to propose; I hope there's no hurt in that." "Be it so," quoth Nic.; +"but if I catch any harm, woe be to you; my wife and children will curse +you as long as they live." When they were come to the "Salutation," John +concluded all was sure then, and that he should be troubled no more with +law affairs. He thought everybody as plain and sincere as he was. "Well, +neighbours," quoth he, "let's now make an end of all matters, and +live peaceably together for the time to come. If everybody is as well +inclined as I, we shall quickly come to the upshot of our affair." And +so, pointing to Frog to say something, to the great surprise of all the +company, Frog was seized with a dead palsy in the tongue. John began +to ask him some plain questions, and whooped and hallooed in his ear: +"Let's come to the point. Nic., who wouldst thou have to be Lord Strutt? +Wouldst thou have Philip Baboon?" Nic. shook his head, and said nothing. +"Wilt thou, then, have Esquire South to be Lord Strutt?" Nic. shook his +head a second time. "Then who the devil wilt thou have? Say something +or another." Nic. opened his mouth and pointed to his tongue, and cried, +"A, a, a, a!" which was as much as to say he could not speak. + +JOHN BULL.--"Shall I serve Philip Baboon with broadcloth, and accept +of the composition that he offers, with the liberty of his parks and +fishponds?" Then Nic. roared like a bull, "O, o, o, o!" + +JOHN BULL.--"If thou wilt not let me have them, wilt thou take them +thyself?" Then Nic. grinned, cackled, and laughed, till he was like to +kill himself, and seemed to be so pleased that he fell a frisking and +dancing about the room. + +JOHN BULL.--"Shall I leave all this matter to thy management, Nic., +and go about my business?" Then Nic. got up a glass and drank to John, +shaking him by the hand till he had like to have shook his shoulder out +of joint. + +JOHN BULL.--"I understand thee, Nic.; but I shall make thee speak before +I go." Then Nic. put his finger in his cheek and made it cry "buck!" +which was as much as to say, "I care not a farthing for thee." + +JOHN BULL.--"I have done, Nic.; if thou wilt not speak, I'll make my own +terms with old Lewis here." + +John, perceiving that Frog would not speak, turns to old Lewis: "Since +we cannot make this obstinate fellow speak, Lewis, pray condescend a +little to his humour, and set down thy meaning upon paper, that he may +answer it in another scrap." + +"I am infinitely sorry," quoth Lewis, "that it happens so unfortunately; +for, playing a little at cudgels t'other day, a fellow has given me such +a rap over the right arm that I am quite lame. I have lost the use of my +forefinger and my thumb, so that I cannot hold my pen." + +JOHN BULL.--"That's all one; let me write for you." + +LEWIS.--"But I have a misfortune that I cannot read anybody's hand but +my own." + +JOHN BULL.--"Try what you can do with your left hand." + +LEWIS.--"That's impossible; it will make such a scrawl that it will not +be legible." + +As they were talking of this matter, in came Esquire South, all dressed +up in feathers and ribbons, stark staring mad, brandishing his sword, as +if he would have cut off their heads, crying "Room, room, boys, for the +grand esquire of the world! the flower of esquires! What! covered in my +presence? I'll crush your souls, and crack you like lice!" With that he +had like to have struck John Bull's hat into the fire; but John, who was +pretty strong-fisted, gave him such a squeeze as made his eyes water. +He went on still in his mad pranks: "When I am lord of the universe, the +sun shall prostrate and adore me! Thou, Frog, shalt be my bailiff; Lewis +my tailor; and thou, John Bull, shalt be my fool!" + +All this while Frog laughed in his sleeve, gave the esquire the other +noggan of brandy, and clapped him on the back, which made him ten times +madder. + +Poor John stood in amaze, talking thus to himself: "Well, John, thou art +got into rare company! One has a dumb devil, the other a mad devil, and +the third a spirit of infirmity. An honest man has a fine time on it +amongst such rogues. What art thou asking of them after all? Some mighty +boon one would think! only to sit quietly at thy own fireside. What have +I to do with such fellows? John Bull, after all his losses and crosses, +can live better without them than they can without him. Would I lived a +thousand leagues off them! but the devil's in it; John Bull is in, and +John Bull must get out as well as he can." + +As he was talking to himself, he observed Frog and old Lewis edging +towards one another to whisper,* so that John was forced to sit with his +arms akimbo, to keep them asunder. + + * Some attempts of secret negotiation between the French and + the Dutch. + +Some people advised John to bleed Frog under the tongue, or take away +his bread-and-butter, which would certainly make him speak; to +give Esquire South hellebore; as for Lewis, some were for emollient +poultices, others for opening his arm with an incision knife. + + + +CHAPTER XI.* The apprehending, examination, and imprisonment of Jack for +suspicion of poisoning. + + * The four following chapters contain the history of passing + the Bill against Occasional Conformity, and of the Whigs + agreeing to it. + +The attentive reader cannot have forgot that the story of Van +Ptschirnsooker's powder was interrupted by a message from Frog. I have a +natural compassion for curiosity, being much troubled with the distemper +myself; therefore to gratify that uneasy itching sensation in my reader, +I have procured the following account of that matter. + +Van Ptschirnsooker came off (as rogues usually do upon such occasions) +by peaching his partner; and being extremely forward to bring him to +the gallows, Jack* was accused as the contriver of all the roguery. And, +indeed, it happened unfortunately for the poor fellow, that he was +known to bear a most inveterate spite against the old gentlewoman; and, +consequently, that never any ill accident happened to her but he was +suspected to be at the bottom of it. If she pricked her finger, Jack, to +be sure, laid the pin in the way; if some noise in the street disturbed +her rest, who could it be but Jack in some of his nocturnal rambles? +If a servant ran away, Jack had debauched him. Every idle tittle-tattle +that went about, Jack was always suspected for the author of it. +However, all was nothing to this last affair of the temperating, +moderating powder. + + * All the misfortunes of the Church charged upon the Puritan + party. + +The hue and cry went after Jack to apprehend him dead or alive, wherever +he could be found. The constables looked out for him in all his usual +haunts; but to no purpose. Where d'ye think they found him at last? Even +smoking his pipe, very quietly, at his brother Martin's; from whence +he was carried with a vast mob at his heels, before the worshipful Mr. +Justice Overdo. Several of his neighbours made oath,* that of late, the +prisoner had been observed to lead a very dissolute life, renouncing +even his usual hypocrisy and pretences to sobriety; that he frequented +taverns and eating-houses, and had been often guilty of drunkenness and +gluttony at my Lord Mayor's table; that he had been seen in the company +of lewd women; that he had transferred his usual care of the engrossed +copy of his father's will to bank bills, orders for tallies, and +debentures:** these he now affirmed, with more literal truth, to be +meat, drink, and cloth, the philosopher's stone, and the universal +medicine;*** that he was so far from showing his customary reverence +to the will, that he kept company with those that called his father a +cheating rogue, and his will a forgery; that he not only sat quietly and +heard his father railed at, but often chimed in with the discourse, and +hugged the authors as his bosom friends;**** that instead of asking for +blows at the corners of the streets, he now bestowed them as plentifully +as he begged them before.*** In short, that he was grown a mere rake; +and had nothing left in him of old Jack except his spite to John Bull's +mother. + + * The manners of the Dissenters changed from their former + strictness. + + ** Dealing much in stock-jobbing. + + *** "Tale of a Tub." + + **** Herding with deists and atheists. + +Another witness made oath, that Jack had been overheard bragging of a +trick* he had found out to manage the "old formal jade," as he used to +call her. "Hang this numb-skull of mine," quoth he, "that I could not +light on it sooner. As long as I go in this ragged tattered coat, I am +so well known, that I am hunted away from the old woman's door by every +barking cur about the house; they bid me defiance. There's no doing +mischief as an open enemy; I must find some way or other of getting +within doors, and then I shall have better opportunities of playing my +pranks, besides the benefit of good keeping." + + * Getting into places and Church preferments by occasional + conformity. + +Two witnesses swore* that several years ago, there came to their +mistress's door a young fellow in a tattered coat, that went by the name +of Timothy Trim, whom they did in their conscience believe to be the +very prisoner, resembling him in shape, stature, and the features of +his countenance. That the said Timothy Trim being taken into the family, +clapped their mistress's livery over his own tattered coat; that the +said Timothy was extremely officious about their mistress's person, +endeavouring by flattery and tale-bearing to set her against the rest of +the servants: nobody was so ready to fetch anything that was wanted, +to reach what was dropped. That he used to shove and elbow his +fellow-servants to get near his mistress, especially when money was +a paying or receiving--then he was never out of the way; that he was +extremely diligent about everybody's business but his own. That the said +Timothy, while he was in the family, used to be playing roguish tricks; +when his mistress's back was turned, he would loll out his tongue, make +mouths, and laugh at her, walking behind her like Harlequin, ridiculing +her motions and gestures; but if his mistress looked about, he put on a +grave, demure countenance, as if he had been in a fit of devotion; that +he used often to trip up-stairs so smoothly that you could not hear him +tread, and put all things out of order; that he would pinch the children +and servants, when he met them in the dark, so hard, that he left the +print of his forefingers and his thumb in black and blue, and then +slink into a corner, as if nobody had done it. Out of the same malicious +design he used to lay chairs and joint-stools in their way, that +they might break their noses by falling over them. The more young and +inexperienced he used to teach to talk saucily, and call names. During +his stay in the family there was much plate missing; being caught with a +couple of silver spoons in his pocket, with their handles wrenched off, +he said he was only going to carry them to the goldsmiths to be mended: +that the said Timothy was hated by all the honest servants, for his +ill-conditioned, splenetic tricks, but especially for his slanderous +tongue; traducing them to their mistress as drunkards and thieves: that +the said Timothy, by lying stories, used to set all the family +together by the ears, taking delight to make them fight and quarrel; +**particularly one day sitting at table, he spoke words to this effect: +"I am of opinion," quoth he, "that little short fellows, such as we are, +have better hearts, and could beat the tall fellows; I wish it came to a +fair trial; I believe these long fellows, as sightly as they are, should +find their jackets well thwacked." + + * Betraying the interests of the Church when got into + preferments. + + ** The original of the distinction in the names of Low + Churchmen and High Churchmen. + +A parcel of tall fellows, who thought themselves affronted by the +discourse, took up the quarrel, and to it they went, the tall men and +the low men, which continues still a faction in the family, to the great +disorder of our mistress's affairs. The said Timothy carried this frolic +so far, that he proposed to his mistress that she should entertain no +servant that was above four feet seven inches high, and for that purpose +had prepared a gauge, by which they were to be measured. The good old +gentlewoman was not so simple as to go into his projects--she began +to smell a rat. "This Trim," quoth she, "is an odd sort of a fellow; +methinks he makes a strange figure with that ragged, tattered coat +appearing under his livery; can't he go spruce and clean, like the rest +of the servants? The fellow has a roguish leer with him which I don't +like by any means; besides, he has such a twang in his discourse, and +an ungraceful way of speaking through the nose, that one can hardly +understand him; I wish the fellow be not tainted with some bad disease." +The witnesses further made oath, that the said Timothy lay out a-nights, +and went abroad often at unseasonable hours; and it was credibly +reported he did business in another family: that he pretended to have +a squeamish stomach, and could not eat at table with the rest of the +servants, though this was but a pretence to provide some nice bit +for himself; that he refused to dine upon salt fish, only to have an +opportunity to eat a calf's head (his favourite dish) in private; that +for all his tender stomach, when he was got by himself, he could devour +capons, turkeys, and sirloins of beef, like a cormorant. + +Two other witnesses gave the following evidence: That in his officious +attendance upon his mistress, he had tried to slip a powder into her +drink, and that he was once caught endeavouring to stifle her with a +pillow as she was asleep; that he and Ptschirnsooker were often in close +conference, and that they used to drink together at the "Rose," where it +seems he was well enough known by his true name of Jack. + +The prisoner had little to say in his defence; he endeavoured to prove +himself alibi, so that the trial turned upon this single question, +whether the said Timothy Trim and Jack were the same person; which was +proved by such plain tokens, and particularly by a mole under the +left pap, that there was no withstanding the evidence; therefore the +worshipful Mr. Justice committed him, in order to his trial. + + + +CHAPTER XII. How Jack's friends came to visit him in prison, and what +advice they gave him. + +Jack hitherto had passed in the world for a poor, simple, well-meaning, +half-witted, crack-brained fellow. People were strangely surprised to +find him in such a roguery--that he should disguise himself under a +false name, hire himself out for a servant to an old gentlewoman, only +for an opportunity to poison her. They said that it was more generous to +profess open enmity than under a profound dissimulation to be guilty +of such a scandalous breach of trust, and of the sacred rights of +hospitality; in short, the action was universally condemned by his best +friends. They told him in plain terms that this was come as a judgment +upon him for his loose life, his gluttony, drunkenness, and avarice; +for laying aside his father's will in an old mouldy trunk, and turning +stock-jobber, newsmonger, and busybody, meddling with other people's +affairs, shaking off his old serious friends, and keeping company with +buffoons and pickpockets, his father's sworn enemies; that he had +best throw himself upon the mercy of the court, repent, and change +his manners. To say truth, Jack heard these discourses with some +compunction; however, he resolved to try what his new acquaintance +would do for him. They sent Habakkuk Slyboots,* who delivered him +the following message, as the peremptory commands of his trusty +companions:-- + + * Habakkuk Slyboots, a certain great man who persuaded the + Dissenters to consent to the Bill against Occasional + Conformity as being for their interest. + +HABAKKUK.--Dear Jack, I am sorry for thy misfortune: matters have not +been carried on with due secrecy; however, we must make the best of +a bad bargain. Thou art in the utmost jeopardy, that's certain; hang, +draw, and quarter, are the gentlest things they talk of. However, thy +faithful friends, ever watchful for thy security, bid me tell thee that +they have one infallible expedient left to save thy life. Thou must know +we have got into some understanding with the enemy by the means of Don +Diego;* he assures us there is no mercy for thee, and that there is only +one way left to escape. It is, indeed, somewhat out of the common road; +however, be assured it is the result of most mature deliberation. + + * A noble Tory lord. + +JACK.--Prithee tell me quickly, for my heart is sunk down in the very +bottom of my belly. + +HAB.--It is the unanimous opinion of your friends that you make as if +you hanged yourself;* they will give it out that you are quite dead, and +convey your body out of prison in a bier; and John Bull, being busied +with his lawsuit, will not inquire further into the matter. + + * Consent to the Bill against Occasional Conformity. + +JACK.--How d'ye mean, make as if I hanged myself? + +HAB.--Nay, you must really hang yourself up in a true genuine rope, that +there may appear no trick in it, and leave the rest to your friends. + +JACK.--Truly this is a matter of some concern, and my friends, I hope, +won't take it ill if I inquire a little into the means by which they +intend to deliver me. A rope and a noose are no jesting matters! + +HAB.--Why so mistrustful? hast thou ever found us false to thee? I tell +thee there is one ready to cut thee down. + +JACK.--May I presume to ask who it is that is entrusted with so +important an office? + +HAB.--Is there no end of thy hows and thy whys? That's a secret. + +JACK.--A secret, perhaps, that I may be safely trusted with, for I am +not like to tell it again. I tell you plainly it is no strange thing for +a man before he hangs himself up to inquire who is to cut him down. + +HAB.--Thou suspicious creature! if thou must needs know it, I tell thee +it is Sir Roger;* he has been in tears ever since thy misfortune. Don +Diego and we have laid it so that he is to be in the next room, and +before the rope is well about thy neck, rest satisfied he will break in +and cut thee down. Fear not, old boy; we'll do it, I'll warrant thee. + + * It was given out that the Earl of Oxford would oppose the + occasional Bill, and so lose his credit with the Tories; and + the Dissenters did believe he would not suffer it to pass. + +JACK.--So I must hang myself up upon hopes that Sir Roger will cut +me down, and all this upon the credit of Don Diego. A fine stratagem, +indeed, to save my life, that depends upon hanging, Don Diego, and Sir +Roger! + +HAB.--I tell thee there is a mystery in all this, my friend, a piece +of profound policy; if thou knew what good this will do to the common +cause, thy heart would leap for joy. I am sure thou wouldst not delay +the experiment one moment. + +JACK.--This is to the tune of "All for the better." What's your cause to +me when I am hanged? + +HAB.--Refractory mortal! if thou wilt not trust thy friends, take what +follows. Know assuredly, before next full moon, that thou wilt be hung +up in chains, or thy quarters perching upon the most conspicuous +places of the kingdom. Nay, I don't believe they will be contented +with hanging; they talk of impaling, or breaking on the wheel, and thou +choosest that before a gentle suspending of thyself for one minute. +Hanging is not so painful a thing as thou imaginest. I have spoken +with several that have undergone it; they all agree it is no manner of +uneasiness. Be sure thou take good notice of the symptoms; the relation +will be curious. It is but a kick or two with thy heels, and a wry mouth +or so: Sir Roger will be with thee in the twinkling of an eye. + +JACK.--But what if Sir Roger should not come; will my friends be there +to succour me? + +HAB.--Doubt it not; I will provide everything against to-morrow morning: +do thou keep thy own secret--say nothing. I tell thee it is absolutely +necessary for the common good that thou shouldst go through this +operation. + + + +CHAPTER XIII. How Jack hanged himself up by the persuasion of his +friends, who broke their words, and left his neck in the noose. + +Jack was a professed enemy to implicit faith, and yet I dare say it +was never more strongly exerted nor more basely abused than upon this +occasion. He was now, with his old friends, in the state of a poor +disbanded officer after a peace, or rather a wounded soldier after a +battle; like an old favourite of a cunning Minister after the job is +over, or a decayed beauty to a cloyed lover in quest of new game, or +like a hundred such things that one sees every day. There were new +intrigues, new views, new projects, on foot. Jack's life was the +purchase of Diego's friendship; much good may it do them. The interest +of Hocus and Sir William Crawley which was now more at heart, made this +operation upon poor Jack absolutely necessary. You may easily guess +that his rest that night was but small, and much disturbed; however, +the remaining part of his time he did not employ (as his custom was +formerly) in prayer, meditation, or singing a double verse of a Psalm, +but amused himself with disposing of his bank stock. Many a doubt, many +a qualm, overspread his clouded imagination: "Must I then," quoth he, +"hang up my own personal, natural, individual self with these two hands! +Durus Sermo! What if I should be cut down, as my friends tell me? There +is something infamous in the very attempt; the world will conclude I had +a guilty conscience. Is it possible that good man, Sir Roger, can have +so much pity upon an unfortunate scoundrel that has persecuted him so +many years? No, it cannot be; I don't love favours that pass through Don +Diego's hands. On the other side, my blood chills about my heart at +the thought of these rogues with their bloody hands pulling out my very +entrails. Hang it, for once I'll trust my friends." So Jack resolved; +but he had done more wisely to have put himself upon the trial of his +country, and made his defence in form; many things happen between the +cup and the lip--witnesses might have been bribed, juries managed, or +prosecution stopped. But so it was, Jack for this time had a sufficient +stock of implicit faith, which led him to his ruin, as the sequel of the +story shows. + +And now the fatal day was come in which he was to try this hanging +experiment. His friends did not fail him at the appointed hour to see it +put in practice. Habakkuk brought him a smooth, strong, tough rope, +made of many a ply of wholesome Scandinavian hemp, compactly twisted +together, with a noose that slipped as glib as a birdcatcher's gin. Jack +shrank and grew pale at first sight of it; he handled it, he measured +it, stretched it, fixed it against the iron bar of the window to try its +strength, but no familiarity could reconcile him to it. He found fault +with the length, the thickness, and the twist; nay, the very colour +did not please him. "Will nothing less than hanging serve?" quoth Jack. +"Won't my enemies take bail for my good behaviour? Will they accept of +a fine, or be satisfied with the pillory and imprisonment, a good round +whipping, or burning in the cheek?" + +HAB.--Nothing but your blood will appease their rage; make haste, else +we shall be discovered. There's nothing like surprising the rogues. How +they will be disappointed when they hear that thou hast prevented their +revenge and hanged thine own self. + +JACK.--That's true; but what if I should do it in effigies? Is there +never an old pope or pretender to hang up in my stead? We are not so +unlike but it may pass. + +HAB.--That can never be put upon Sir Roger. + +JACK.--Are you sure he is in the next room? Have you provided a very +sharp knife, in case of the worst? + +HAB.--Dost take me for a common liar? Be satisfied, no damage can happen +to your person; your friends will take care of that. + +JACK.--Mayn't I quilt my rope? It galls my neck strangely: besides, I +don't like this running knot. It holds too tight; I may be stifled all +of a sudden. + +HAB.--Thou hast so many ifs and ands! prithee despatch; it might have +been over before this time. + +JACK.--But now I think on't, I would fain settle some affairs, for fear +of the worst: have a little patience. + +HAB.--There's no having patience, thou art such a faintling, silly +creature. + +JACK.--O thou most detestable, abominable Passive Obedience! did I ever +imagine I should become thy votary, in so pregnant an instance? How will +my brother Martin laugh at this story, to see himself outdone in his own +calling! He has taken the doctrine, and left me the practice. + +No sooner had he uttered these words, but, like a man of true courage, +he tied the fatal cord to the beam, fitted the noose, and mounted upon +the bottom of a tub, the inside of which he had often graced in his +prosperous days. This footstool Habakkuk kicked away, and left poor Jack +swinging like the pendulum of Paul's clock. The fatal noose performed +its office, and with most strict ligature squeezed the blood into his +face till it assumed a purple dye. While the poor man heaved from +the very bottom of his belly for breath, Habakkuk walked with great +deliberation into both the upper and lower room, to acquaint his +friends, who received the news with great temper, and with jeers and +scoffs instead of pity. "Jack has hanged himself!" quoth they; "let us +go and see how the poor rogue swings." Then they called Sir Roger. "Sir +Roger," quoth Habakkuk, "Jack has hanged himself; make haste and cut +him down." Sir Roger turned first one ear and then the other, not +understanding what he said. + +HAB.--I tell you Jack has hanged himself up. + +SIR ROGER.--Who's hanged? + +HAB.--Jack. + +SIR ROGER.--I thought this had not been hanging day. + +HAB.--But the poor fellow has hanged himself. + +SIR ROGER.--Then let him hang. I don't wonder at it; the fellow has been +mad these twenty years. + +With this he slunk away. + +Then Jack's friends began to hunch and push one another: "Why don't you +go and cut the poor fellow down?" "Why don't you?" "And why don't you?" +"Not I," quoth one. "Not I," quoth another. "Not I," quoth a third; +"he may hang till doomsday before I relieve him!" Nay, it is credibly +reported that they were so far from succouring their poor friend in +this his dismal circumstance, that Ptschirnsooker and several of his +companions went in and pulled him by the legs, and thumped him on the +breast. Then they began to rail at him for the very thing which they +had advised and justified before, viz., his getting into the old +gentlewoman's family, and putting on her livery. The keeper who +performed the last office coming up, found Jack swinging, with no life +in him. He took down the body gently and laid it on a bulk, and brought +out the rope to the company. "This, gentlemen, is the rope that hanged +Jack; what must be done with it?" Upon which they ordered it to be laid +among the curiosities of Gresham College; and it is called Jack's rope +to this very day. However, Jack, after all, had some small tokens of +life in him, but lies, at this time, past hopes of a total recovery, +with his head hanging on one shoulder, without speech or motion. The +coroner's inquest, supposing him to be dead, brought him in non compos. + + + +CHAPTER XIV. The Conference between Don Diego and John Bull. + +During the time of the foregoing transactions, Don Diego was +entertaining John Bull. + +DON DIEGO.--I hope, sir, this day's proceeding will convince you of the +sincerity of your old friend Diego, and the treachery of Sir Roger. + +JOHN BULL.--What's the matter now? + +DON DIEGO.--You have been endeavouring, for several years, to have +justice done upon that rogue Jack, but, what through the remissness of +constables, justices, and packed juries, he has always found the means +to escape. + +JOHN BULL.--What then? + +DON DIEGO.--Consider, then, who is your best friend: he that would +have brought him to condign punishment, or he that has saved him? By my +persuasion Jack had hanged himself, if Sir Roger had not cut him down. + +JOHN BULL.--Who told you that Sir Roger has done so? + +DON DIEGO.--You seem to receive me coldly: methinks my services deserve +a better return. + +JOHN BULL.--Since you value yourself upon hanging this poor scoundrel, I +tell you, when I have any more hanging work, I'll send for thee: I have +some better employment for Sir Roger. In the meantime, I desire the poor +fellow may be looked after. When he first came out of the north country +into my family, under the pretended name of Timothy Trim, the fellow +seemed to mind his loom and his spinning-wheel, till somebody turned his +head; then he grew so pragmatical, that he took upon him the government +of my whole family: I could never order anything, within or without +doors, but he must be always giving his counsel, forsooth: nevertheless, +tell him I will forgive what is past; and if he would mind his business +for the future, and not meddle out of his own sphere, he will find that +John Bull is not of a cruel disposition. + +DON DIEGO.--Yet all your skilful physicians say that nothing can recover +your mother but a piece of Jack's liver boiled in her soup. + +JOHN BULL.--Those are quacks. My mother abhors such cannibals' food. She +is in perfect health at present. I would have given many a good pound +to have had her so well some time ago.* There are indeed two or three +troublesome old nurses that, because they believe I am tender-hearted, +will never let me have a quiet night's rest with knocking me up: "Oh, +sir, your mother is taken extremely ill; she is fallen into a fainting +fit; she has a great emptiness, wants sustenance." This is only to +recommend themselves for their great care. John Bull, as simple as he +is, understands a little of a pulse. + + * New clamours about the danger of the Church. + + + +CHAPTER XV. The sequel of the meeting at the "Salutation."* + + * At the Congress of Utrecht. + +Where I think I left John Bull, sitting between Nic. Frog and Lewis +Baboon, with his arms akimbo, in great concern to keep Lewis and Nic. +asunder. As watchful as he was, Nic. found the means now and then to +steal a whisper, and by a cleanly conveyance under the table to slip +a short note into Lewis's hand, which Lewis as slyly put into John's +pocket, with a pinch or a jog to warn him what he was about. John had +the curiosity to retire into a corner to peruse those billets doux* of +Nic.'s, wherein he found that Nic. had used great freedoms both with his +interest and reputation. One contained these words: "Dear Lewis, thou +seest clearly that this blockhead can never bring his matters to bear. +Let thee and me talk to-night by ourselves at the 'Rose,' and I'll give +thee satisfaction." Another was thus expressed: "Friend Lewis, has thy +sense quite forsaken thee to make Bull such offers? Hold fast, part with +nothing, and I will give thee a better bargain, I'll warrant thee!" + + * Some offers of the Dutch at that time, in order to get the + negotiation into their hands. + +In some of his billets he told Lewis "That John Bull was under his +guardianship; that the best part of his servants were at his command; +that he could have John gagged and bound whenever he pleased by the +people of his own family." In all these epistles, blockhead, dunce, +ass, coxcomb, were the best epithets he gave poor John. In others he +threatened,* "That he, Esquire South, and the rest of the tradesmen, +would lay Lewis down upon his back and beat out his teeth if he did not +retire immediately and break up the Meeting." + + * Threatening that the allies would carry on the war without + the help of the English. + +I fancy I need not tell my reader that John often changed colour as he +read, and that his fingers itched to give Nic. a good slap on the chops, +but he wisely moderated his choleric temper. *"I saved this fellow," +quoth he, "from the gallows when he ran away from his last master, +because I thought he was harshly treated; but the rogue was no sooner +safe under my protection than he began to lie, pilfer, and steal like +the devil. When I first set him up in a warm house he had hardly put up +his sign when he began to debauch my best customers from me. *Then it +was his constant practice to rob my fish-ponds, not only to feed his +family, but to trade with the fishmongers. I connived at the fellow till +he began to tell me that they were his as much as mine. In my manor of +*Eastcheap, because it lay at some distance from my constant inspection, +he broke down my fences, robbed my orchards, and beat my servants." + + * Complaints against the Dutch for encroachment in trade, + fishery, East Indies, etc. The war with the Dutch on these + accounts. + +"When I used to reprimand him for his tricks he would talk saucily, lie, +and brazen it out as if he had done nothing amiss. 'Will nothing cure +thee of thy pranks, Nic.?' quoth I; 'I shall be forced some time or +other to chastise thee.' The rogue got up his cane and threatened me, +and was well thwacked for his pains. But I think his behaviour at this +time worst of all; after I have almost drowned myself to keep his head +above water, he would leave me sticking in the mud, trusting to +his goodness to help me out. After I have beggared myself with his +troublesome lawsuit, with a plague to him! he takes it in mighty dudgeon +because I have brought him here to end matters amicably, and because I +won't let him make me over by deed and indenture as his lawful cully, +which to my certain knowledge he has attempted several times. But, after +all, canst thou gather grapes from thorns? Nic. does not pretend to be a +gentleman; he is a tradesman, a self-seeking wretch. But how camest +thou to hear all this, John? The reason is plain; thou conferrest the +benefits and he receives them; the first produces love, and the last +ingratitude. Ah Nic., Nic., thou art a damned dog, that's certain; thou +knowest too well that I will take care of thee, else thou wouldst not +use me thus. I won't give thee up, it is true; but as true as it is, +thou shalt not sell me, according to thy laudable custom." While +John was deep in this soliloquy Nic. broke out into the following +protestation:-- + +"Gentlemen,--I believe everybody here present will allow me to be a very +just and disinterested person. My friend John Bull here is very angry +with me, forsooth, because I won't agree to his foolish bargains. Now I +declare to all mankind I should be ready to sacrifice my own concerns +to his quiet, but the care of his interest, and that of the honest +tradesmen* that are embarked with us, keeps me from entering into this +composition. What shall become of those poor creatures? The thoughts of +their impending ruin disturb my night's rest; therefore I desire they +may speak for themselves. If they are willing to give up this affair, I +sha'n't make two words of it." + + * The Allies. + +John Bull begged him to lay aside that immoderate concern for him, and +withal put him in mind that the interest of those tradesmen had not sat +quite so heavy upon him some years ago on a like occasion. Nic. answered +little to that, but immediately pulled out a boatswain's whistle. Upon +the first whiff the tradesmen came jumping into the room, and began to +surround Lewis like so many yelping curs about a great boar; or, to use +a modester simile, like duns at a great lord's levee the morning he goes +into the country. One pulled him by his sleeve, another by the skirt, a +third hallooed in the ear. They began to ask him for all that had +been taken from their forefathers by stealth, fraud, force, or lawful +purchase. Some asked for manors, others for acres that lay convenient +for them; that he would pull down his fences, level his ditches. All +agreed in one common demand that he should be purged, sweated, +vomited, and starved, till he came to a sizeable bulk like that of his +neighbours. One modestly asked him leave to call him brother. Nic. Frog +demanded two things--to be his porter and his fishmonger, to keep +the keys of his gates and furnish the kitchen. John's sister Peg only +desired that he would let his servants sing psalms a-Sundays. Some +descended even to the asking of old clothes, shoes and boots, broken +bottles, tobacco-pipes, and ends of candles. + +"Monsieur Bull," quoth Lewis, "you seem to be a man of some breeding; +for God's sake use your interest with these Messieurs, that they would +speak but one at once; for if one had a hundred pair of hands, and as +many tongues, he cannot satisfy them all at this rate." John begged they +might proceed with some method; then they stopped all of a sudden and +would not say a word. "If this be your play," quoth John, "that we may +not be like a Quaker's dumb meeting, let us begin some diversion; what +d'ye think of rouly-pouly or a country dance? What if we should have a +match at football? I am sure we shall never end matters at this rate." + + + +CHAPTER XVI. How John Bull and Nic. Frog settled their Accounts. + +JOHN BULL.--During this general cessation of talk, what if you and I, +Nic., should inquire how money matters stand between us? + +NIC. FROG.--With all my heart; I love exact dealing. And let Hocus +audit; he knows how the money was disbursed. + +JOHN BULL.--I am not much for that at present; we'll settle it between +ourselves. Fair and square, Nic., keeps friends together. There have +been laid out in this lawsuit, at one time, 36,000 pounds and 40,000 +crowns. In some cases I, in others you, bear the greatest proportion. + +NIC FROG.--Right; I pay three-fifths of the greatest number, and you pay +two-thirds of the lesser number. I think this is fair and square, as you +call it. + +JOHN BULL.--Well, go on. + +NIC FROG.--Two-thirds of 36,000 pounds are 24,000 pounds for your share, +and there remains 12,000 for mine. Again, of the 40,000 crowns I +pay 24,000, which is three-fifths, and you pay only 16,000, which is +two-fifths; 24,000 crowns make 6,000 pounds, and 16,000 crowns make +4,000 pounds; 12,000 and 16,000 make 18,000, 24,000 and 4,000 make +28,000. So there are 18,000 pounds to my share of the expenses, and +28,000 to yours. + +After Nic. had bamboozled John awhile about the 18,000 and the 28,000, +John called for counters; but what with sleight of hand, and taking from +his own score and adding to John's, Nic. brought the balance always on +his own side. + +JOHN BULL.--Nay, good friend Nic., though I am not quite so nimble in +the fingers, I understand ciphering as well as you. I will produce you +my accounts one by one, fairly writ out of my own books; and here I +begin with the first. You must excuse me if I don't pronounce the law +terms right. + +[John reads.] + +For the expenses ordinary of the suits, fees to judges, puisne judges, +lawyers innumerable of all sorts:-- + + Of extraordinaries, as follows per account.. + To Esquire South's account for post terminums.. + To ditto for non est factums.. + To ditto for noli prosequis, discontinuance, and retraxit.. + For writs of error.. + Suits of conditions unperformed.. + To Hocus for dedimus protestatem.. + To ditto for a capias ad computandum.. + To Frog's new tenants per account to Hocus, for audita querelas.. + On the said account for writs of ejectment and distringas.. + To Esquire South's quota for a return of a non est invent + and nulla habet bona.. + To ---- for a pardon in forma pauperis.. + To Jack for a melius inquirendum upon a felo-de-se.. + To coach-hire.. + For treats to juries and witnesses.. + +John having read over his articles, with the respective sums, brought in +Frog debtor to him upon the balance, 3,382 pounds 12 shillings. + +Then Nic. Frog pulled his bill out of his pocket, and began to read. + +Nicholas Frog's Account. + +Remains to be deducted out of the former Account. + + Paid by Nic. Frog for his share of the ordinary expenses of the suit + .. + To Hocus for entries of a rege inconsulto.. + To John Bull's nephew for a venire facias, the money not yet all + laid out.. + The coach-hire for my wife and family, and the carriage of my goods + during the + time of this lawsuit.. + For the extraordinary expenses of feeding my family during this + lawsuit.. + To Major Ab... + To Major Will... + +And summing all up, found due upon the balance by John Bull to Nic. +Frog, 9 pounds 4 shillings and 6 pence. + +JOHN BULL.--As for your venire facias, I have paid you for one already; +in the other I believe you will be nonsuited. I'll take care of my +nephew myself. Your coach-hire and family charges are most unreasonable +deductions; at that rate, I can bring in any man in the world my debtor. +But who the devil are those two majors that consume all my money? I find +they always run away with the balance in all accounts. + +NIC. FROG.--Two very honest gentlemen, I assure you, that have done +me some service. To tell you plainly, Major Ab. denotes thy greater +ability, and Major Will. thy greater willingness to carry on this +lawsuit. It was but reasonable thou shouldst pay both for thy power and +thy positiveness. + +JOHN BULL.--I believe I shall have those two honest majors' discount on +my side in a little time. + +NIC. FROG.--Why all this higgling with thy friend about such a paltry +sum? Does this become the generosity of the noble and rich John Bull? I +wonder thou art not ashamed. Oh, Hocus! Hocus! where art thou? It used +to go another-guess manner in thy time. When a poor man has almost +undone himself for thy sake, thou art for fleecing him, and fleecing +him. Is that thy conscience, John? + +JOHN BULL.--Very pleasant, indeed! It is well known thou retainest thy +lawyers by the year, so a fresh lawsuit adds but little to thy expenses; +they are thy customers;* I hardly ever sell them a farthing's-worth of +anything. Nay, thou hast set up an eating-house, where the whole tribe +of them spend all they can rap or run. If it were well reckoned, I +believe thou gettest more of my money than thou spendest of thy own. +However, if thou wilt needs plead poverty, own at least that thy +accounts are false. + + * The money spent in Holland and Flanders. + +NIC. FROG.--No, marry won't I; I refer myself to these honest +gentlemen--let them judge between us. Let Esquire South speak his mind, +whether my accounts are not right, and whether we ought not to go on +with our lawsuit. + +JOHN BULL.--Consult the butchers about keeping of Lent. Dost think that +John Bull will be tried by piepowders? I tell you, once for all, John +Bull knows where his shoe pinches. None of your esquires shall give him +the law as long as he wears this trusty weapon by his side, or has an +inch of broadcloth in his shop. + +NIC. FROG.--Why, there it is: you will be both judge and party. I am +sorry thou discoverest so much of thy headstrong humour before these +strange gentlemen; I have often told thee it would prove thy ruin +some time or other. Let it never be said that the famous John Bull has +departed in despite of Court. + +JOHN BULL.--And will it not reflect as much on thy character, Nic., to +turn barretter in thy old days--a stirrer-up of quarrels amongst thy +neighbours? I tell thee, Nic., some time or other thou wilt repent this. + +But John saw clearly he should have nothing but wrangling, and that he +should have as little success in settling his accounts as ending the +composition. "Since they will needs overload my shoulders," quoth John, +"I shall throw down the burden with a squash amongst them, take it up +who dares. A man has a fine time of it amongst a combination of sharpers +that vouch for one another's honesty. John, look to thyself; old Lewis +makes reasonable offers. When thou hast spent the small pittance that +is left, thou wilt make a glorious figure when thou art brought to live +upon Nic. Frog and Esquire South's generosity and gratitude. If they use +thee thus when they want thee, what will they do when thou wantest them? +I say again, John, look to thyself." + +John wisely stifled his resentments, and told the company that in a +little time he should give them law, or something better. + +ALL.--*Law! law! sir, by all means. What is twenty-two poor years +towards the finishing a lawsuit? For the love of God, more law, sir! + + * Clamours for continuing the war. + +JOHN BULL.--Prepare your demands how many years more of law you want, +that I may order my affairs accordingly. In the meanwhile, farewell. + + + +CHAPTER XVII. How John Bull found all his Family in an Uproar at Home.* + +Nic. Frog, who thought of nothing but carrying John to the market, and +there disposing of him as his own proper goods, was mad to find that +John thought himself now of age to look after his own affairs. He +resolved to traverse this new project, and to make him uneasy in his own +family. He had corrupted or deluded most of his servants into the most +extravagant conceits in the world: that their master was run mad, and +wore a dagger in one pocket and poison in the other; that he had sold +his wife and children to Lewis, disinherited his heir, and was going +to settle his estate upon a parish-boy; that if they did not look after +their master, he would do some very mischievous thing. When John came +home, he found a more surprising scene than any he had yet met with, and +that you will say was somewhat extraordinary. + + * Clamours about the danger of the succession. + +He called his cook-maid Betty to bespeak his dinner. Betty told him +"That she begged his pardon, she could not dress dinner till she knew +what he intended to do with his will." "Why, Betty," quoth John, "thou +art not run mad, art thou? My will at present is to have dinner." "That +may be," quoth Betty, "but my conscience won't allow me to dress it till +I know whether you intend to do righteous things by your heir." "I am +sorry for that, Betty," quoth John; "I must find somebody else, then." +Then he called John the barber. "Before I begin," quoth John, "I hope +your honour won't be offended if I ask you whether you intend to alter +your will? If you won't give me a positive answer your beard may grow +down to your middle for me." "'Igad, so it shall," quoth Bull, "for I +will never trust my throat in such a mad fellow's hands. Where's Dick +the butler?" "Look ye," quoth Dick, "I am very willing to serve you in +my calling, d'you see, but there are strange reports, and plain-dealing +is best, d'ye see. I must be satisfied if you intend to leave all to +your nephew and if Nic. Frog is still your executor, d'ye see. If you +will not satisfy me as to these points you may drink with the ducks." +"And so I will," quoth John, "rather than keep a butler that loves my +heir better than myself." Hob the shoemaker, and Pricket the tailor, +told him they would most willingly serve him in their several stations +if he would promise them never to talk with Lewis Baboon, and let +Nicholas Frog, linen-draper, manage his concerns; that they +could neither make shoes nor clothes to any that were not in good +correspondence with their worthy friend Nicholas. + +JOHN BULL.--Call Andrew, my journeyman. How goes affairs, Andrew? I hope +the devil has not taken possession of thy body too. + +ANDREW.--No, sir; I only desire to know what you would do if you were +dead? + +JOHN BULL.--Just as other dead folks do, Andrew. [Aside.] This is +amazing! + +ANDREW.--I mean if your nephew shall inherit your estate. + +JOHN BULL.--That depends upon himself. I shall do nothing to hinder him. + +ANDREW.--But will you make it sure? + +JOHN BULL.--Thou meanest that I should put him in possession, for I can +make it no surer without that. He has all the law can give him. + +ANDREW.--Indeed, possession, as you say, would make it much surer. They +say it is eleven points of the law. + +John began now to think that they were all enchanted. He inquired +about the age of the moon, if Nic. had not given them some intoxicating +potion, or if old Mother Jenisa was still alive? "No, o' my faith," +quoth Harry, "I believe there is no potion in the case but a little +aurum potabile. You will have more of this by-and-by." He had scarce +spoken the word when another friend of John's accosted him after the +following manner:-- + +"Since those worthy persons, who are as much concerned for your safety +as I am, have employed me as their orator, I desire to know whether you +will have it by way of syllogism, enthymem, dilemma, or sorites?" + +John now began to be diverted with their extravagance. + +JOHN BULL.--Let's have a sorites by all means, though they are all new +to me. + +FRIEND.--It is evident to all that are versed in history that there +were two sisters that played false two thousand years ago. Therefore it +plainly follows that it is not lawful for John Bull to have any manner +of intercourse with Lewis Baboon. If it is not lawful for John Bull to +have any manner of intercourse (correspondence, if you will, that is +much the same thing) then, a fortiori, it is much more unlawful for the +said John to make over his wife and children to the said Lewis. If his +wife and children are not to be made over, he is not to wear a dagger +and ratsbane in his pockets. If he wears a dagger and ratsbane, it +must be to do mischief to himself or somebody else. If he intends to do +mischief, he ought to be under guardians, and there is none so fit as +myself and some other worthy persons who have a commission for that +purpose from Nic. Frog, the executor of his will and testament. + +JOHN BULL.--And this is your sorites, you say? + +With that he snatched a good tough oaken cudgel, and began to brandish +it. Then happy was the man that was first at the door. Crowding to get +out, they tumbled down-stairs. And it is credibly reported some of +them dropped very valuable things in the hurry, which were picked up by +others of the family. + +"That any of these rogues," quoth John, "should imagine I am not as much +concerned as they about having my affairs in a settled condition, or +that I would wrong my heir for I know not what! Well, Nic., I really +cannot but applaud thy diligence. I must own this is really a pretty +sort of a trick, but it sha'n't do thy business, for all that." + + + +CHAPTER XVIII. How Lewis Baboon came to visit John Bull, and what passed +between them. * + + * Private negotiations about Dunkirk. + +I think it is but ingenuous to acquaint the reader that this chapter was +not wrote by Sir Humphrey himself, but by another very able pen of the +university of Grub Street. + +John had, by some good instructions given him by Sir Roger, got the +better of his choleric temper, and wrought himself up to a great +steadiness of mind to pursue his own interest through all impediments +that were thrown in the way. He began to leave off some of his old +acquaintance, his roaring and bullying about the streets. He put on +a serious air, knit his brows, and, for the time, had made a very +considerable progress in politics, considering that he had been kept a +stranger to his own affairs. However, he could not help discovering +some remains of his nature when he happened to meet with a football or a +match at cricket, for which Sir Roger was sure to take him to task. +John was walking about his room with folded arms and a most thoughtful +countenance. His servant brought him word that one Lewis Baboon below +wanted to speak with him. John had got an impression that Lewis was so +deadly cunning a man that he was afraid to venture himself alone with +him. At last he took heart of grace. "Let him come up," quoth he; "it is +but sticking to my point, and he can never over-reach me." + +LEWIS BABOON.--Monsieur Bull, I will frankly acknowledge that my +behaviour to my neighbours has been somewhat uncivil, and I believe you +will readily grant me that I have met with usage accordingly. I was fond +of back-sword and cudgel-play from my youth, and I now bear in my +body many a black and blue gash and scar, God knows. I had as good a +warehouse and as fair possessions as any of my neighbours, though I say +it. But a contentious temper, flattering servants, and unfortunate stars +have brought me into circumstances that are not unknown to you. These +my misfortunes are heightened by domestic calamities. That I need not +relate. I am a poor old battered fellow, and I would willingly end my +days in peace. But, alas! I see but small hopes of that, for every new +circumstance affords an argument to my enemies to pursue their revenge. +Formerly I was to be banged because I was too strong, and now because +I am too weak to resist; I am to be brought down when too rich, and +oppressed when too poor. Nic. Frog has used me like a scoundrel. You are +a gentleman, and I freely put myself in your hands to dispose of me as +you think fit. + +JOHN BULL.--Look you, Master Baboon, as to your usage of your +neighbours, you had best not dwell too much upon that chapter. Let it +suffice at present that you have been met with. You have been rolling a +great stone up-hill all your life, and at last it has come tumbling down +till it is like to crush you to pieces. Plain-dealing is best. If you +have any particular mark, Mr. Baboon, whereby one may know when you fib +and when you speak truth, you had best tell it me, that one may proceed +accordingly. But since at present I know of none such, it is better that +you should trust me than that I should trust you. + +LEWIS BABOON.--I know of no particular mark of veracity amongst us +tradesmen but interest; and it is manifestly mine not to deceive you at +this time. You may safely trust me, I can assure you. + +JOHN BULL.--The trust I give is, in short, this: I must have something +in hand before I make the bargain, and the rest before it is concluded. + +LEWIS BABOON.--To show you I deal fairly, name your something. + +JOHN BULL.--I need not tell thee, old boy; thou canst guess. + +LEWIS BABOON.--Ecclesdown Castle,* I'll warrant you, because it has been +formerly in your family. Say no more; you shall have it. + + * Dunkirk. + +JOHN BULL.--I shall have it to my own self? + +LEWIS BABOON.--To thine own self. + +JOHN BULL.--Every wall, gate, room, and inch of Ecclesdown Castle, you +say? + +LEWIS BABOON.--Just so. + +JOHN BULL.--Every single stone of Ecclesdown Castle, to my own self, +speedily? + +LEWIS BABOON.--When you please; what needs more words? + +JOHN BULL.--But tell me, old boy, hast thou laid aside all thy +equivocals and mentals in this case? + +LEWIS BABOON.--There's nothing like matter of fact; seeing is believing. + +JOHN BULL.--Now thou talkest to the purpose; let us shake hands, old +boy. Let me ask thee one question more; what hast thou to do to meddle +with the affairs of my family? to dispose of my estate, old boy? + +LEWIS BABOON.--Just as much as you have to do with the affairs of Lord +Strutt. + +JOHN BULL.--Ay, but my trade, my very being was concerned in that. + +LEWIS BABOON.--And my interest was concerned in the other. But let us +drop both our pretences; for I believe it is a moot point, whether I am +more likely to make a Master Bull, or you a Lord Strutt. + +JOHN BULL.--Agreed, old boy; but then I must have security that I shall +carry my broadcloth to market, old boy. + +LEWIS BABOON.--That you shall: Ecclesdown Castle! Ecclesdown! Remember +that. Why wouldst thou not take it when it was offered thee some years +ago? + +JOHN BULL.--I would not take it, because they told me thou wouldst not +give it me. + +LEWIS BABOON.--How could Monsieur Bull be so grossly abused by downright +nonsense? they that advised you to refuse, must have believed I intended +to give, else why would they not make the experiment? But I can tell you +more of that matter than perhaps you know at present. + +JOHN BULL.--But what say'st thou as to the Esquire, Nic. Frog, and the +rest of the tradesmen? I must take care of them. + +LEWIS BABOON.--Thou hast but small obligations to Nic. to my certain +knowledge: he has not used me like a gentleman. + +JOHN BULL.--Nic. indeed is not very nice in your punctilios of ceremony; +he is clownish, as a man may say: belching and calling of names have +been allowed him time out of mind, by prescription: but, however, we are +engaged in one common cause, and I must look after him. + +LEWIS BABOON.--All matters that relate to him, and the rest of the +plaintiff's in this lawsuit, I will refer to your justice. + + + +CHAPTER XIX. Nic. Frog's letter to John Bull: wherein he endeavours to +vindicate all his conduct, with relation to John Bull and the lawsuit. + +Nic. perceived now that his Cully had eloped, that John intended +henceforth to deal without a broker; but he was resolved to leave no +stone unturned to cover his bubble. Amongst other artifices he wrote a +most obliging letter, which he sent him printed in a fair character. + +"DEAR FRIEND,--When I consider the late ill-usage I have met with from +you, I was reflecting what it was that could provoke you to it, but +upon a narrow inspection into my conduct, I can find nothing to reproach +myself with but too partial a concern for your interest. You no sooner +set this composition afoot but I was ready to comply, and prevented your +very wishes; and the affair might have been ended before now, had it +not been for the greater concerns of Esquire South and the other poor +creatures embarked in the same common cause, whose safety touches me to +the quick. You seemed a little jealous that I had dealt unfairly with +you in money-matters, till it appeared by your own accounts that there +was something due to me upon the balance. Having nothing to answer to so +plain a demonstration, you began to complain as if I had been familiar +with your reputation; when it is well known not only I, but the meanest +servants in my family, talk of you with the utmost respect. I have +always, as far as in me lies, exhorted your servants and tenants to be +dutiful; not that I any way meddle in your domestic affairs, which were +very unbecoming for me to do. If some of your servants express their +great concern for you in a manner that is not so very polite, you ought +to impute it to their extraordinary zeal, which deserves a reward +rather than a reproof. You cannot reproach me for want of success at +the 'Salutation,' since I am not master of the passions and interests of +other folks. I have beggared myself with this lawsuit, undertaken merely +in complaisance to you; and if you would have had but a little patience, +I had still greater things in reserve, that I intended to have done for +you. I hope what I have said will prevail with you to lay aside your +unreasonable jealousies, and that we may have no more meetings at the +'Salutation,' spending our time and money to no purpose. My concern for +your welfare and prosperity almost makes me mad. You may be assured I +will continue to be + +"Your affectionate + +"Friend and Servant, + +"Nic. Frog."* + + * Substance of the States letter. + +John received this with a good deal of sang-froid; "Transeat," quoth +John, "cum caeteris erroribus." He was now at his ease; he saw he could +now make a very good bargain for himself, and a very safe one for other +folks. "My shirt," quoth he, "is near me, but my skin is nearer. Whilst +I take care of the welfare of other folks, nobody can blame me to apply +a little balsam to my own sores. It's a pretty thing, after all, for a +man to do his own business; a man has such a tender concern for himself, +there's nothing like it. This is somewhat better, I trow, than for John +Bull to be standing in the market, like a great dray-horse, with Frog's +paws upon his head. What will you give me for this beast? Serviteur +Nic. Frog, though John Bull has not read your Aristotles, Platos, and +Machiavels, he can see as far into a mill-stone as another." With that +John began to chuckle and laugh till he was like to have burst his +sides. + + + +CHAPTER XX. The discourse that passed between Nic. Frog and Esquire +South, which John Bull overheard.* + + * Negotiations between the Emperor and the Dutch for + continuing the war, and getting the property of Flanders. + +John thought every minute a year till he got into Ecclesdown Castle; he +repairs to the "Salutation" with a design to break the matter gently to +his partners. Before he entered he overheard Nic. and the Esquire in a +very pleasant conference. + +ESQUIRE SOUTH.--Oh, the ingratitude and injustice of mankind! That John +Bull, whom I have honoured with my friendship and protection so long, +should flinch at last, and pretend that he can disburse no more money +for me! that the family of the Souths, by his sneaking temper, should be +kept out of their own! + +NIC. FROG.--An't like your worship, I am in amaze at it; I think the +rogue should be compelled to his duty. + +ESQUIRE SOUTH.--That he should prefer his scandalous pelf, the dust and +dregs of the earth, to the prosperity and grandeur of my family! + +NIC. FROG.--Nay, he is mistaken there, too; for he would quickly lick +himself whole again by his vails. It's strange he should prefer Philip +Baboon's custom to Esquire South's. + +ESQUIRE SOUTH.--As you say, that my clothier, that is to get so much by +the purchase, should refuse to put me in possession; did you ever know +any man's tradesman serve him so before? + +NIC. FROG.--No, indeed, an't please your worship, it is a very unusual +proceeding; and I would not have been guilty of it for the world. If +your honour had not a great stock of moderation and patience, you would +not bear it so well as you do. + +ESQUIRE SOUTH.--It is most intolerable, that's certain, Nic., and I will +be revenged. + +NIC. FROG.--Methinks it is strange that Philip Baboon's tenants do not +all take your honour's part, considering how good and gentle a master +you are. + +ESQUIRE SOUTH.--True, Nic., but few are sensible of merit in this world. +It is a great comfort to have so faithful a friend as thyself in so +critical a juncture. + +NIC. FROG.--If all the world should forsake you, be assured Nic. Frog +never will; let us stick to our point, and we'll manage Bull, I'll +warrant ye. + +ESQUIRE SOUTH.--Let me kiss thee, dear Nic.; I have found one honest man +among a thousand at last. + +NIC. FROG.--If it were possible, your honour has it in your power to wed +me still closer to your interest. + +ESQUIRE SOUTH.--Tell me quickly, dear Nic. + +NIC. FROG.--You know I am your tenant; the difference between my lease +and an inheritance is such a trifle as I am sure you will not grudge +your poor friend. That will be an encouragement to go on; besides, it +will make Bull as mad as the devil: you and I shall be able to manage +him then to some purpose. + +ESQUIRE SOUTH.--Say no more; it shall be done, Nic., to thy heart's +content. + +John all this while was listening to this comical dialogue, and laughed +heartily in his sleeve at the pride and simplicity of the Esquire, and +the sly roguery of his friend Nic. Then of a sudden bolting into the +room, he began to tell them that he believed he had brought Lewis to +reasonable terms, if they would please to hear them. + +Then they all bawled out aloud, "No composition: long live Esquire South +and the Law!" As John was going to proceed, some roared, some stamped +with their feet, others stopped their ears with their fingers. + +"Nay, gentlemen," quoth John, "if you will but stop proceeding for +a while, you shall judge yourselves whether Lewis's proposals* are +reasonable." + + * Proposals for cessation of arms and delivery of Dunkirk. + +ALL.--Very fine, indeed; stop proceeding, and so lose a term. + +JOHN BULL.--Not so neither; we have something by way of advance: he will +put us in possession of his Manor and Castle of Ecclesdown. + +NIC. FROG.--What dost talk of us? thou meanest thyself. + +JOHN BULL.--When Frog took possession of anything, it was always said to +be for us, and why may not John Bull be us as well as Nic. Frog was us? +I hope John Bull is no more confined to singularity than Nic. Frog; or, +take it so, the constant doctrine that thou hast preached up for many +years was that thou and I are one; and why must we be supposed two in +this case, that were always one before? It's impossible that thou and I +can fall out, Nic.; we must trust one another. I have trusted thee with +a great many things--prithee trust me with this one trifle. + +NIC. FROG.--That principle is true in the main, but there is some +speciality in this case that makes it highly inconvenient for us both. + +JOHN BULL.--Those are your jealousies, that the common enemies sow +between us: how often hast thou warned me of those rogues, Nic., that +would make us mistrustful of one another! + +NIC. FROG.--This Ecclesdown Castle is only a bone of contention. + +JOHN BULL.--It depends upon you to make it so; for my part, I am as +peaceable as a lamb. + +NIC. FROG.--But do you consider the unwholesomeness of the air and soil, +the expenses of reparations and servants? I would scorn to accept of +such a quagmire. + +JOHN BULL.--You are a great man, Nic., but in my circumstances I must be +e'en content to take it as it is. + +NIC. FROG.--And you are really so silly as to believe the old cheating +rogue will give it you? + +JOHN BULL.--I believe nothing but matter of fact; I stand and fall by +that. I am resolved to put him to it. + +NIC. FROG.--And so relinquish the hopefullest cause in the world: a +claim that will certainly in the end make thy fortune for ever. + +JOHN BULL.--Wilt thou purchase it, Nic.? thou shalt have a lumping +pennyworth; nay, rather than we should differ, I'll give thee something +to take it off my hands. + +NIC. FROG.--If thou wouldst but moderate that hasty, impatient temper +of thine, thou shouldst quickly see a better thing than all that. What +shouldst thou think to find old Lewis turned out of his paternal estates +and mansion-house of Claypool?* Would not that do thy heart good, to see +thy old friend, Nic. Frog, Lord of Claypool? Then thou and thy wife and +children should walk in my gardens, buy toys, drink lemonade, and now +and then we should have a country dance. + + * Claypool, Paris--Lutetia. + +JOHN BULL.--I love to be plain: I'd as lief see myself in Ecclesdown +Castle as thee in Claypool. I tell you again, Lewis gives this as a +pledge of his sincerity; if you won't stop proceeding to hear him, I +will. + + + +CHAPTER XXI. The rest of Nic.'s fetches to keep John out of Ecclesdown +Castle.* + + * Attempts to hinder the cessation, and taking possession of + Dunkirk. + +When Nic. could not dissuade John by argument, he tried to move his +pity; he pretended to be sick and like to die; that he should leave his +wife and children in a starving condition, if John did abandon him; that +he was hardly able to crawl about the room, far less capable to look +after such a troublesome business as this lawsuit, and therefore begged +that his good friend would not leave him. When he saw that John was +still inexorable, he pulled out a case-knife, with which he used to +snicker-snee, and threatened to cut his own throat. Thrice he aimed +the knife to his windpipe with a most determined threatening air. "What +signifies life," quoth he, "in this languishing condition? It will be +some pleasure that my friends will revenge my death upon this barbarous +man that has been the cause of it." All this while John looked sedate +and calm, neither offering in the least to snatch the knife, nor stop +his blow, trusting to the tenderness Nic. had for his own person. When +he perceived that John was immovable in his purpose, he applied himself +to Lewis. + +"Art thou," quoth he, "turned bubble in thy old age, from being a +sharper in thy youth? What occasion hast thou to give up Ecclesdown +Castle to John Bull? His friendship is not worth a rush. Give it me, and +I'll make it worth thy while. If thou dislikest that proposition, keep +it thyself; I'd rather thou shouldst have it than he. If thou hearkenest +not to my advice, take what follows; Esquire South and I will go on with +our lawsuit in spite of John Bull's teeth." + +LEWIS BABOON.--Monsieur Bull has used me like a gentleman, and I am +resolved to make good my promise, and trust him for the consequences. + +NIC. FROG.--Then I tell thee thou art an old doating fool.--With that +Nic. bounced up with a spring equal to that of one of your nimblest +tumblers or rope-dancers, and fell foul upon John Bull, to snatch the +cudgel* he had in his hand, that he might thwack Lewis with it: John +held it fast so that there was no wrenching it from him. At last Squire +South buckled to, to assist his friend Nic.: John hauled on one side, +and they two on the other. Sometimes they were like to pull John +over, then it went all of a sudden again on John's side, so they went +see-sawing up and down, from one end of the room to the other. Down +tumbled the tables, bottles, glasses, and tobacco-pipes; the wine and +the tobacco were all spilt about the room, and the little fellows were +almost trod under foot, till more of the tradesmen joining with Nic. and +the Squire, John was hardly able to pull against then all, yet would he +never quit hold of his trusty cudgel: which by the contrary force of two +so great powers broke short in his hands.** Nic. seized the longer end, +and with it began to bastinado old Lewis, who had slunk into a corner, +waiting the event of this squabble. Nic. came up to him with an insolent +menacing air, so that the old fellow was forced to scuttle out of the +room, and retire behind a dung-cart. He called to Nic., "Thou insolent +jackanapes, time was when thou durst not have used me so; thou now +takest me unprovided; but, old and infirm as I am, I shall find a weapon +by-and-by to chastise thy impudence." + + * The army. + + ** The separation of the army. + +When John Bull had recovered his breath, he began to parley with +Nic.: "Friend Nic., I am glad to find thee so strong after thy great +complaints; really thy motions, Nic., are pretty vigorous for a +consumptive man. As for thy worldly affairs, Nic., if it can do thee +any service, I freely make over to thee this profitable lawsuit, and +I desire all these gentlemen to bear witness to this my act and deed. +Yours be all the gain, as mine has been the charges. I have brought +it to bear finely: however, all I have laid out upon it goes for +nothing--thou shalt have it with all its appurtenances; I ask nothing +but leave to go home." + +NIC. FROG.--The counsel are fee'd, and all things prepared for a trial; +thou shalt be forced to stand the issue; it shall be pleaded in thy +name as well as mine. Go home if thou canst; the gates are shut, the +turnpikes locked, and the roads barricaded.* + + * Difficulty of the march of part of the army to Dunkirk. + +JOHN BULL.--Even these very ways, Nic., that thou toldest me were as +open to me as thyself, if I can't pass with my own equipage, what can I +expect for my goods and wagons? I am denied passage through those very +grounds that I have purchased with my own money. However, I am glad I +have made the experiment; it may serve me in some stead. + +John Bull was so overjoyed that he was going to take possession of +Ecclesdown, that nothing could vex him. "Nic.," quoth he, "I am just +a-going to leave thee; cast a kind look upon me at parting." + +Nic. looked sour and glum, and would not open his mouth. + +JOHN BULL.--I wish thee all the success that thy heart can desire, and +that these honest gentlemen of the long robe may have their belly full +of law. + +Nic. could stand it no longer, but flung out of the room with disdain, +and beckoned the lawyers to follow him. + +JOHN BULL.--B'ye, b'ye, Nic,; not one poor smile at parting? won't you +shake your day-day, Nic? b'ye, Nic.--With that John marched out of the +common road, across the country, to take possession of Ecclesdown. + + + +CHAPTER XXII. Of the great joy that John expressed when he got +possession of Ecclesdown.* + + * Dunkirk. + +When John had got into his castle he seemed like Ulysses upon his plank +after he had been well soused in salt water, who, as Homer says, was as +glad as a judge going to sit down to dinner after hearing a long cause +upon the bench. I daresay John Bull's joy was equal to that of either +of the two; he skipped from room to room, ran up-stairs and down-stairs, +from the kitchen to the garrets, and from the garrets to the kitchen; +he peeped into every cranny; sometimes he admired the beauty of the +architecture and the vast solidity of the mason's work; at other times +he commended the symmetry and proportion of the rooms. He walked about +the gardens; he bathed himself in the canal, swimming, diving, and +beating the liquid element like a milk-white swan. The hall resounded +with the sprightly violin and the martial hautbois. The family tripped +it about, and capered like hailstones bounding from a marble floor. +Wine, ale, and October flew about as plentifully as kennel-water. Then +a frolic took John in the head to call up some of Nic. Frog's pensioners +that had been so mutinous in his family. + +JOHN BULL.--Are you glad to see your master in Ecclesdown Castle? + +ALL.--Yes, indeed, sir. + +JOHN BULL.--Extremely glad? + +ALL.--Extremely glad, sir. + +JOHN BULL.--Swear to me that you are so. + +Then they began to sink their souls to the lowest pit if any person in +the world rejoiced more than they did. + +JOHN BULL.--Now hang me if I don't believe you are a parcel of perjured +rascals; however, take this bumper of October to your master's health. + +Then John got upon the battlements, and looking over he called to Nic. +Frog.-- + +"How d'ye do, Nic.? D'ye see where I am, Nic.? I hope the cause goes +on swimmingly, Nic. When dost thou intend to go to Claypool, Nic.? Wilt +thou buy there some high heads of the newest cut for my daughters? How +comest thou to go with thy arm tied up? Has old Lewis given thee a rap +over thy fingers' ends? Thy weapon was a good one when I wielded it, but +the butt-end remains in my hands. I am so busy in packing up my goods +that I have no time to talk with thee any longer. It would do thy heart +good to see what wagon-loads I am preparing for market. If thou wantest +any good office of mine, for all that has happened I will use thee well, +Nic. B'ye, Nic." + + + + +POSTSCRIPT. + +It has been disputed amongst the literati of Grub Street whether Sir +Humphry proceeded any farther into the history of John Bull. By diligent +inquiry we have found the titles of some chapters, which appear to be a +continuation of it, and are as follow:-- + +CHAP. I.--How John was made angry with the Articles of Agreement. How he +kicked the Parchment through the House, up-stairs and down-stairs, and +put himself in a great Heat thereby. + +CHAP. II.--How in his Passion he was going to cut off Sir Roger's head +with a Cleaver. Of the strange manner of Sir Roger's escaping the blow, +by laying his Head upon the Dresser. + +CHAP. III.--How some of John's Servants attempted to scale his House +with Rope Ladders, and how many unfortunately dangled in the same. + +CHAP. IV.--Of the Methods by which John endeavoured to preserve the +Peace amongst his Neighbours. How he kept a pair of Stillyards to weigh +them, and by Diet, Purging, Vomiting, and Bleeding, tried to bring them +to equal Bulk and Strength. + +CHAP. V.--Of False Accounts of the Weights given in by some of the +Journeymen, and of the Newmarket Tricks that were practised at the +Stillyards. + +CHAP. VI.--How John's New Journeymen brought him other guess Accounts of +the Stillyards. + +CHAP. VII.--How Sir Swain Northy* was, by Bleeding, Purging, and a Steel +Diet, brought into a Consumption, and how John was forced afterwards to +give him the Gold Cordial. + + * King of Sweden. + +CHAP. VIII.--How Peter Bear* was overfed, and afterwards refused to +submit to the course of Physic. + + * Czar of Muscovy. + +CHAP. IX.--How John pampered Esquire South with Tit-bits, till he grew +wanton; how he got drunk with Calabrian Wine, and longed for Sicilian +Beef, and how John carried him thither in his barge. + +CHAP. X.--How the Esquire, from a foul-feeder, grew dainty: how he +longed for Mangoes, Spices, and Indian Birds' Nests, etc., and could not +sleep but in a Chintz Bed. + +CHAP. XI.--The Esquire turned Tradesman; how he set up a China Shop* +over against Nic. Frog. + + * The Ostend Company. + +CHAP. XII.--How he procured Spanish Flies to blister his Neighbours, and +as a Provocative to himself. As likewise how he carried off Nic. Frog's +favourite Daughter. + +CHAP. XIII.--How Nic. Frog, hearing the Girl squeak, went to call John +Bull as a Constable. + +CHAP. XIV.--How John rose out of his Bed on a cold Morning to prevent a +Duel between Esq. South and Lord Strutt; how, to his great surprise, +he found the Combatants drinking Geneva in a Brandy Shop, with Nic.'s +favourite Daughter between them; how they both fell upon John, so that +he was forced to fight his way out. + +CHAP. XV.--How John came with his Constable's Staff to rescue Nic.'s +Daughter, and break the Esquire's China Ware. + +CHAP. XVI.--Commentary upon the Spanish Proverb, "Time and I against +any Two;" or Advice to Dogmatical Politicians exemplified in some New +Affairs between John Bull and Lewis Baboon. + +CHAP. XVII.--A Discourse of the delightful Game of Quadrille. How Lewis +Baboon attempted to play a Game Solo in Clubs, and was bested; how John +called Lewis for his King, and was afraid that his own Partner should +have too many tricks; and how the Success and Skill of Quadrille depends +upon calling a right King. + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's The History of John Bull, by John Arbuthnot + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE HISTORY OF JOHN BULL *** + +***** This file should be named 2643.txt or 2643.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/6/4/2643/ + +Produced by Les Bowler + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.04.29.93*END* + + + + +THE HISTORY OF JOHN BULL BY JOHN ARBUTHNOT, M.D. + + + + +INTRODUCTION BY HENRY MORLEY. + +This is the book which fixed the name and character of John Bull on +the English people. Though in one part of the story he is thin and +long nosed, as a result of trouble, generally he is suggested to us +as "ruddy and plump, with a pair of cheeks like a trumpeter," an +honest tradesman, simple and straightforward, easily cheated; but +when he takes his affairs into his own hands, acting with good plain +sense, knowing very well what he wants done, and doing it. + +The book was begun in the year 1712, and published in four +successive groups of chapters that dealt playfully, from the Tory +point of view, with public affairs leading up to the Peace of +Utrecht. The Peace urged and made by the Tories was in these light +papers recommended to the public. The last touches in the parable +refer to the beginning of the year 1713, when the Duke of Ormond +separated his troops from those of the Allies and went to receive +Dunkirk as the stipulated condition of cessation of arms. After the +withdrawal of the British troops, Prince Eugene was defeated by +Marshal Villars at Denain, and other reverses followed. The Peace +of Utrecht was signed on the 31st of March. + +Some chapters in this book deal in like manner, from the point of +view of a good-natured Tory of Queen Anne's time, with the feuds of +the day between Church and Dissent. Other chapters unite with this +topic a playful account of another chief political event of the +time--the negotiation leading to the Act of Union between England +and Scotland, which received the Royal Assent on the 6th of March, +17O7; John Bull then consented to receive his "Sister Peg" into his +house. The Church, of course, is John Bull's mother; his first wife +is a Whig Parliament, his second wife a Tory Parliament, which first +met in November, 171O. + +This "History of John Bull" began with the first of its four parts +entitled "Law is a Bottomless Pit, exemplified in the case of Lord +Strutt, John Bull, Nicholas Frog, and Lewis Baboon, who spent all +they had in a Law-suit." For Law put War--the War of the Spanish +Succession; for lawyers, soldiers; for sessions, campaigns; for +verdicts, battles won; for Humphry Hocus the attorney, Marlborough +the general; for law expenses, war expenses; and for aim of the +whole, to aid the Tory policy of peace with France. A second part +followed, entitled "John Bull in his Senses;" the third part was +called "John Bull still in his Senses;" and the fourth part, "Lewis +Baboon turned Honest, and John Bull Politician." The four parts +were afterwards arranged into two, as they are here reprinted, and +published together as "The History of John Bull," with a few notes +by the author which sufficiently explain its drift. + +The author was John Arbuthnot, a physician, familiar friend of Pope +and Swift, whom Pope addressed as + + "Friend to my life, which did not you prolong, + The world had wanted many an idle song;" + +and of whom Swift said, that "he has more wit than we all have, and +his humanity is equal to his wit." "If there were a dozen +Arbuthnots in the world," said Swift, "I would burn 'Gulliver's +Travels.'" + +Arbuthnot was of Swift's age, born in 1667, son of a Scotch +Episcopal clergyman, who lost his living at the Revolution. His +sons--all trained in High Church principles--left Scotland to seek +their fortunes; John came to London and taught mathematics. He took +his degree of Doctor of Medicine at St. Andrews in 1696; found use +for mathematics in his studies of medicine; became a Fellow of the +Royal Society; and being by chance at Epsom when Queen Anne's +husband was taken ill, prescribed for him so successfully that he +was made in 1705 Physician Extraordinary, and upon the occurrence of +a vacancy in 17O9 Physician in Ordinary, to the Queen. Swift calls +him her favourite physician. In 171O he was admitted Fellow of the +Royal College of Physicians. That was Arbuthnot's position in +1712-13 when, at the age of forty-five, he wrote this "History of +John Bull." He was personal friend of the Ministers whose policy he +supported, and especially of Harley, Earl of Oxford, the Sir Roger +of the History. + +After Queen Anne's death, and the coming of the Whigs to power, +Arbuthnot lost his office at Court. But he was the friend and +physician of all the wits; himself without literary ambition, +allowing friends to make what alterations they pleased in pieces +that he wrote, or his children to make kites of them. A couple of +years before his death he suffered deeply from the loss of the elder +of his two sons. He was himself afflicted then with stone, and +retired to Hampstead to die. "A recovery," he wrote to Swift, "is +in my case and in my age impossible; the kindest wish of my friends +is euthanasia." He died in 1735. + + + +AUTHOR'S PREFACE. + +When I was first called to the office of historiographer to John +Bull, he expressed himself to this purpose:--"Sir Humphrey +Polesworth,* I know you are a plain dealer; it is for that reason I +have chosen you for this important trust; speak the truth and spare +not." That I might fulfil those his honourable intentions, I +obtained leave to repair to, and attend him in his most secret +retirements; and I put the journals of all transactions into a +strong box, to be opened at a fitting occasion, after the manner of +the historiographers of some eastern monarchs: this I thought was +the safest way; though I declare I was never afraid to be chopped** +by my master for telling of truth. It is from those journals that +my memoirs are compiled: therefore let not posterity a thousand +years hence look for truth in the voluminous annals of pedants, who +are entirely ignorant of the secret springs of great actions; if +they do, let me tell them they will be nebused.*** + +* A Member of Parliament, eminent for a certain cant in his +conversation, of which there is a good deal in this book. +** A cant word of Sir Humphrey's. +*** Another cant word, signifying deceived. + +With incredible pains have I endeavoured to copy the several +beauties of the ancient and modern historians; the impartial temper +of Herodotus, the gravity, austerity, and strict morals of +Thucydides, the extensive knowledge of Xenophon, the sublimity and +grandeur of Titus Livius; and to avoid the careless style of +Polybius, I have borrowed considerable ornaments from Dionysius +Halicarnasseus, and Diodorus Siculus. The specious gilding of +Tacitus I have endeavoured to shun. Mariana, Davila, and Fra. +Paulo, are those amongst the moderns whom I thought most worthy of +imitation; but I cannot be so disingenuous, as not to own the +infinite obligations I have to the "Pilgrim's Progress" of John +Bunyan, and the "Tenter Belly" of the Reverend Joseph Hall. + +From such encouragement and helps, it is easy to guess to what a +degree of perfection I might have brought this great work, had it +not been nipped in the bud by some illiterate people in both Houses +of Parliament, who envying the great figure I was to make in future +ages, under pretence of raising money for the war,* have padlocked +all those very pens that were to celebrate the actions of their +heroes, by silencing at once the whole university of Grub Street. I +am persuaded that nothing but the prospect of an approaching peace +could have encouraged them to make so bold a step. But suffer me, +in the name of the rest of the matriculates of that famous +university, to ask them some plain questions: Do they think that +peace will bring along with it the golden age? Will there be never +a dying speech of a traitor? Are Cethegus and Catiline turned so +tame, that there will be no opportunity to cry about the streets, "A +Dangerous Plot?" Will peace bring such plenty that no gentleman +will have occasion to go upon the highway, or break into a house? I +am sorry that the world should be so much imposed upon by the dreams +of a false prophet, as to imagine the Millennium is at hand. O Grub +Street! thou fruitful nursery of towering geniuses! How do I lament +thy downfall? Thy ruin could never be meditated by any who meant +well to English liberty. No modern lyceum will ever equal thy +glory: whether in soft pastorals thou didst sing the flames of +pampered apprentices and coy cook maids; or mournful ditties of +departing lovers; or if to Maeonian strains thou raisedst thy voice, +to record the stratagems, the arduous exploits, and the nocturnal +scalade of needy heroes, the terror of your peaceful citizens, +describing the powerful Betty or the artful Picklock, or the secret +caverns and grottoes of Vulcan sweating at his forge, and stamping +the queen's image on viler metals which he retails for beef and pots +of ale; or if thou wert content in simple narrative, to relate the +cruel acts of implacable revenge, or the complaint of ravished +virgins blushing to tell their adventures before the listening crowd +of city damsels, whilst in thy faithful history thou intermingledst +the gravest counsels and the purest morals. Nor less acute and +piercing wert thou in thy search and pompous descriptions of the +works of nature; whether in proper and emphatic terms thou didst +paint the blazing comet's fiery tail, the stupendous force of +dreadful thunder and earthquakes, and the unrelenting inundations. +Sometimes, with Machiavelian sagacity, thou unravelledst intrigues +of state, and the traitorous conspiracies of rebels, giving wise +counsel to monarchs. How didst thou move our terror and our pity +with thy passionate scenes between Jack Catch and the heroes of the +Old Bailey? How didst thou describe their intrepid march up Holborn +Hill? Nor didst thou shine less in thy theological capacity, when +thou gavest ghostly counsels to dying felons, and didst record the +guilty pangs of Sabbath breakers. How will the noble arts of John +Overton's** painting and sculpture now languish? where rich +invention, proper expression, correct design, divine attitudes, and +artful contrast, heightened with the beauties of Clar. Obscur., +embellished thy celebrated pieces, to the delight and astonishment +of the judicious multitude! Adieu, persuasive eloquence! the quaint +metaphor, the poignant irony, the proper epithet, and the lively +simile, are fled for ever! Instead of these, we shall have, I know +not what! The illiterate will tell the rest with pleasure. + +* Act restraining the liberty of the press, etc. +** The engraver of the cuts before the Grub Street papers. + +I hope the reader will excuse this digression, due by way of +condolence to my worthy brethren of Grub Street, for the approaching +barbarity that is likely to overspread all its regions by this +oppressive and exorbitant tax. It has been my good fortune to +receive my education there; and so long as I preserved some figure +and rank amongst the learned of that society, I scorned to take my +degree either at Utrecht or Leyden, though I was offered it gratis +by the professors in those universities. + +And now that posterity may not be ignorant in what age so excellent +a history was written (which would otherwise, no doubt, be the +subject of its inquiries), I think it proper to inform the learned +of future times, that it was compiled when Louis XIV. was King of +France, and Philip his grandson of Spain; when England and Holland, +in conjunction with the Emperor and the Allies, entered into a war +against these two princes, which lasted ten years, under the +management of the Duke of Marlborough, and was put to a conclusion +by the Treaty of Utrecht, under the ministry of the Earl of Oxford, +in the year 1713. + +Many at that time did imagine the history of John Bull, and the +personages mentioned in it, to be allegorical, which the author +would never own. Notwithstanding, to indulge the reader's fancy and +curiosity, I have printed at the bottom of the page the supposed +allusions of the most obscure parts of the story. + + + +THE HISTORY OF JOHN BULL. + + + +CHAPTER I. The Occasion of the Law Suit. + +I need not tell you of the great quarrels that have happened in our +neighbourhood since the death of the late Lord Strutt;* how the +parson** and a cunning attorney got him to settle his estate upon +his cousin Philip Baboon, to the great disappointment of his cousin +Esquire South. Some stick not to say that the parson and the +attorney forged a will; for which they were well paid by the family +of the Baboons. Let that be as it will, it is matter of fact that +the honour and estate have continued ever since in the person of +Philip Baboon. + +* Late King of Spain. +** Cardinal Portocarero. + +You know that the Lord Strutts have for many years been possessed of +a very great landed estate, well conditioned, wooded, watered, with +coal, salt, tin, copper, iron, etc., all within themselves; that it +has been the misfortune of that family to be the property of their +stewards, tradesmen, and inferior servants, which has brought great +incumbrances upon them; at the same time, their not abating of their +expensive way of living has forced them to mortgage their best +manors. It is credibly reported that the butcher's and baker's bill +of a Lord Strutt that lived two hundred years ago are not yet paid. + +When Philip Baboon came first to the possession of the Lord Strutt's +estate, his tradesmen,* as is usual upon such occasions, waited upon +him to wish him joy and bespeak his custom. The two chief were John +Bull,** the clothier, and Nic. Frog,*** the linendraper. They told +him that the Bulls and Frogs had served the Lord Strutts with +draperyware for many years; that they were honest and fair dealers; +that their bills had never been questioned; that the Lord Strutts +lived generously, and never used to dirty their fingers with pen, +ink, and counters; that his lordship might depend upon their honesty +that they would use him as kindly as they had done his predecessors. +The young lord seemed to take all in good part, and dismissed them +with a deal of seeming content, assuring them he did not intend to +change any of the honourable maxims of his predecessors. + +* The first letters of congratulation from King William and the +States of Holland upon King Philip's accession to the crown of +Spain. +** The English. +*** The Dutch. + + + +CHAPTER II. How Bull and Frog grew jealous that the Lord Strutt +intended to give all his custom to his grandfather Lewis Baboon. + +It happened unfortunately for the peace of our neighbourhood that +this young lord had an old cunning rogue, or, as the Scots call it, +a false loon of a grandfather, that one might justly call a Jack- +of-all-Trades.* Sometimes you would see him behind his counter +selling broadcloth, sometimes measuring linen; next day he would be +dealing in merceryware. High heads, ribbons, gloves, fans, and lace +he understood to a nicety. Charles Mather could not bubble a young +beau better with a toy; nay, he would descend even to the selling of +tape, garters, and shoe-buckles. When shop was shut up he would go +about the neighbourhood and earn half-a-crown by teaching the young +men and maids to dance. By these methods he had acquired immense +riches, which he used to squander* away at back-sword, +quarter-staff, and cudgel-play, in which he took great pleasure, and +challenged all the country. You will say it is no wonder if Bull +and Frog should be jealous of this fellow. "It is not impossible," +says Frog to Bull, "but this old rogue will take the management of +the young lord's business into his hands; besides, the rascal has +good ware, and will serve him as cheap as anybody. In that case, I +leave you to judge what must become of us and our families; we must +starve, or turn journeyman to old Lewis Baboon. Therefore, +neighbour, I hold it advisable that we write to young Lord Strutt to +know the bottom of this matter." + +* The character and trade of the French nation. +** The King's disposition to war. + + + +CHAPTER III. A Copy of Bull and Frog's Letter to Lord Strutt. + +My Lord,--I suppose your lordship knows that the Bulls and the Frogs +have served the Lord Strutts with all sorts of draperyware time out +of mind. And whereas we are jealous, not without reason, that your +lordship intends henceforth to buy of your grandsire old Lewis +Baboon, this is to inform your lordship that this proceeding does +not suit with the circumstances of our families, who have lived and +made a good figure in the world by the generosity of the Lord +Strutts. Therefore we think fit to acquaint your lordship that you +must find sufficient security to us, our heirs, and assigns that you +will not employ Lewis Baboon, or else we will take our remedy at +law, clap an action upon you of 2O,OOO pounds for old debts, seize +and distrain your goods and chattels, which, considering your +lordship's circumstances, will plunge you into difficulties, from +which it will not be easy to extricate yourself. Therefore we hope, +when your lordship has better considered on it, you will comply with +the desire of + Your loving friends, + JOHN BULL, + NIC. FROG. + +Some of Bull's friends advised him to take gentler methods with the +young lord, but John naturally loved rough play. It is impossible +to express the surprise of the Lord Strutt upon the receipt of this +letter. He was not flush in ready either to go to law or clear old +debts, neither could he find good bail. He offered to bring matters +to a friendly accommodation, and promised, upon his word of honour, +that he would not change his drapers; but all to no purpose, for +Bull and Frog saw clearly that old Lewis would have the cheating of +him. + + + +CHAPTER IV. How Bull and Frog went to law with Lord Strutt about +the premises, and were joined by the rest of the tradesmen. + +All endeavours of accommodation between Lord Strutt and his drapers +proved vain. Jealousies increased, and, indeed, it was rumoured +abroad that Lord Strutt had bespoke his new liveries of old Lewis +Baboon. This coming to Mrs. Bull's ears, when John Bull came home, +he found all his family in an uproar. Mrs. Bull, you must know, was +very apt to be choleric. "You sot," says she, "you loiter about +alehouses and taverns, spend your time at billiards, ninepins, or +puppet-shows, or flaunt about the streets in your new gilt chariot, +never minding me nor your numerous family. Don't you hear how Lord +Strutt has bespoke his liveries at Lewis Baboon's shop? Don't you +see how that old fox steals away your customers, and turns you out +of your business every day, and you sit like an idle drone, with +your hands in your pockets? Fie upon it. Up man, rouse thyself; +I'll sell to my shift before I'll be so used by that knave."* You +must think Mrs. Bull had been pretty well tuned up by Frog, who +chimed in with her learned harangue. No further delay now, but to +counsel learned in the law they go, who unanimously assured them +both of justice and infallible success of their lawsuit. + +* The sentiments and addresses of the Parliament at that time. + +I told you before that old Lewis Baboon was a sort of a +Jack-of-all-trades, which made the rest of the tradesmen jealous, as +well as Bull and Frog; they hearing of the quarrel, were glad of an +opportunity of joining against old Lewis Baboon, provided that Bull +and Frog would bear the charges of the suit. Even lying Ned, the +chimney-sweeper of Savoy, and Tom, the Portugal dustman, put in +their claims, and the cause was put into the hands of Humphry Hocus, +the attorney. + +A declaration was drawn up to show "That Bull and Frog had undoubted +right by prescription to be drapers to the Lord Strutts; that there +were several old contracts to that purpose; that Lewis Baboon had +taken up the trade of clothier and draper without serving his time +or purchasing his freedom; that he sold goods that were not +marketable without the stamp; that he himself was more fit for a +bully than a tradesman, and went about through all the country fairs +challenging people to fight prizes, wrestling and cudgel play, and +abundance more to this purpose." + + + +CHAPTER V. The true characters of John Bull, Nic. Frog, and Hocus.* + +* Characters of the English and Dutch, and the General Duke of +Marlborough. + +For the better understanding the following history the reader ought +to know that Bull, in the main, was an honest, plain-dealing fellow, +choleric, bold, and of a very unconstant temper; he dreaded not old +Lewis either at back-sword, single falchion, or cudgel-play; but +then he was very apt to quarrel with his best friends, especially if +they pretended to govern him. If you flattered him you might lead +him like a child. John's temper depended very much upon the air; +his spirits rose and fell with the weather-glass. John was quick +and understood his business very well, but no man alive was more +careless in looking into his accounts, or more cheated by partners, +apprentices, and servants. This was occasioned by his being a boon +companion, loving his bottle and his diversion; for, to say truth, +no man kept a better house than John, nor spent his money more +generously. By plain and fair dealing John had acquired some plums, +and might have kept them, had it not been for his unhappy lawsuit. + +Nic. Frog was a cunning, sly fellow, quite the reverse of John in +many particulars; covetous, frugal, minded domestic affairs, would +pinch his belly to save his pocket, never lost a farthing by +careless servants or bad debtors. He did not care much for any sort +of diversion, except tricks of high German artists and legerdemain. +No man exceeded Nic. in these; yet it must be owned that Nic. was a +fair dealer, and in that way acquired immense riches. + +Hocus was an old cunning attorney, and though this was the first +considerable suit that ever he was engaged in he showed himself +superior in address to most of his profession. He kept always good +clerks, he loved money, was smooth-tongued, gave good words, and +seldom lost his temper. He was not worse than an infidel, for he +provided plentifully for his family, but he loved himself better +than them all. The neighbours reported that he was henpecked, which +was impossible, by such a mild-spirited woman as his wife was. + + + +CHAPTER VI. Of the various success of the Lawsuit.* + +* The success of the war. + +Law is a bottomless pit; it is a cormorant, a harpy, that devours +everything. John Bull was flattered by the lawyers that his suit +would not last above a year or two at most; that before that time he +would be in quiet possession of his business; yet ten long years did +Hocus steer his cause through all the meanders of the law and all +the courts. No skill, no address was wanting, and, to say truth, +John did not starve the cause; there wanted not yellowboys to fee +counsel, hire witnesses, and bribe juries. Lord Strutt was +generally cast, never had one verdict in his favour, and John was +promised that the next, and the next, would be the final +determination; but, alas! that final determination and happy +conclusion was like an enchanted island; the nearer John came to it +the further it went from him. New trials upon new points still +arose, new doubts, new matters to be cleared; in short, lawyers +seldom part with so good a cause till they have got the oyster and +their clients the shell. John's ready money, book debts, bonds, +mortgages, all went into the lawyers' pockets. Then John began to +borrow money upon Bank Stock and East India Bonds. Now and then a +farm went to pot. At last it was thought a good expedient to set up +Esquire South's title to prove the will forged and dispossess Philip +Lord Strutt at once. Here again was a new field for the lawyers, +and the cause grew more intricate than ever. John grew madder and +madder; wherever he met any of Lord Strutt's servants he tore off +their clothes. Now and then you would see them come home naked, +without shoes, stockings, and linen. As for old Lewis Baboon, he +was reduced to his last shift, though he had as many as any other. +His children were reduced from rich silks to doily stuffs, his +servants in rags and barefooted; instead of good victuals they now +lived upon neck beef and bullock's liver. In short, nobody got much +by the matter but the men of law. + + + +CHAPTER VII. How John Bull was so mightily pleased with his success +that he was going to leave off his trade and turn Lawyer. + +It is wisely observed by a great philosopher that habit is a second +nature. This was verified in the case of John Bull, who, from an +honest and plain tradesman, had got such a haunt about the Courts of +Justice, and such a jargon of law words, that he concluded himself +as able a lawyer as any that pleaded at the bar or sat on the bench. +He was overheard one day talking to himself after this manner: "How +capriciously does fate or chance dispose of mankind. How seldom is +that business allotted to a man for which he is fitted by Nature. +It is plain I was intended for a man of law. How did my guardians +mistake my genius in placing me, like a mean slave, behind a +counter? Bless me! what immense estates these fellows raise by the +law. Besides, it is the profession of a gentleman. What a pleasure +it is to be victorious in a cause: to swagger at the bar. What a +fool am I to drudge any more in this woollen trade. For a lawyer I +was born, and a lawyer I will be; one is never too old to learn."* +All this while John had conned over such a catalogue of hard words +as were enough to conjure up the devil; these he used to babble +indifferently in all companies, especially at coffee houses, so that +his neighbour tradesmen began to shun his company as a man that was +cracked. Instead of the affairs of Blackwell Hall and price of +broadcloth, wool, and baizes, he talks of nothing but actions upon +the case, returns, capias, alias capias, demurrers, venire facias, +replevins, supersedeases, certioraries, writs of error, actions of +trover and conversion, trespasses, precipes, and dedimus. This was +matter of jest to the learned in law; however Hocus and the rest of +the tribe encouraged John in his fancy, assuring him that he had a +great genius for law; that they questioned not but in time he might +raise money enough by it to reimburse him of all his charges; that +if he studied he would undoubtedly arrive to the dignity of a Lord +Chief Justice. As for the advice of honest friends and neighbours +John despised it; he looked upon them as fellows of a low genius, +poor grovelling mechanics. John reckoned it more honour to have got +one favourable verdict than to have sold a bale of broadcloth. As +for Nic. Frog, to say the truth, he was more prudent; for though he +followed his lawsuit closely he neglected not his ordinary business, +but was both in court and in his shop at the proper hours. + +* The manners and sentiments of the nation at that time. + + + +CHAPTER VIII. How John discovered that Hocus had an Intrigue with +his Wife;* and what followed thereupon. + +John had not run on a madding so long had it not been for an +extravagant wife, whom Hocus perceiving John to be fond of, was +resolved to win over to his side. It is a true saying, that the +last man of the parish that knows of his cuckoldom is himself. It +was observed by all the neighbourhood that Hocus had dealings with +John's wife that were not so much for his honour; but this was +perceived by John a little too late: she was a luxurious jade, +loved splendid equipages, plays, treats and balls, differing very +much from the sober manners of her ancestors, and by no means fit +for a tradesman's wife. Hocus fed her extravagancy (what was still +more shameful) with John's own money. Everybody said that Hocus had +a month's mind to her; be that as it will, it is matter of fact, +that upon all occasions she ran out extravagantly on the praise of +Hocus. When John used to be finding fault with his bills, she used +to reproach him as ungrateful to his greatest benefactor; one that +had taken so much pains in his lawsuit, and retrieved his family +from the oppression of old Lewis Baboon. A good swinging sum of +John's readiest cash went towards building of Hocus's country +house.** This affair between Hocus and Mrs. Bull was now so open, +that all the world was scandalised at it; John was not so +clod-pated, but at last he took the hint. The parson of the parish +preaching one day with more zeal than sense against adultery, Mrs. +Bull told her husband that he was a very uncivil fellow to use such +coarse language before people of condition;*** that Hocus was of the +same mind, and that they would join to have him turned out of his +living for using personal reflections. How do you mean, says John, +by personal reflections? I hope in God, wife, he did not reflect +upon you? "No, thank God, my reputation is too well established in +the world to receive any hurt from such a foul-mouthed scoundrel as +he; his doctrine tends only to make husbands tyrants, and wives +slaves; must we be shut up, and husbands left to their liberty? +Very pretty indeed! a wife must never go abroad with a Platonic to +see a play or a ball; she must never stir without her husband; nor +walk in Spring Garden with a cousin. I do say, husband, and I will +stand by it, that without the innocent freedoms of life, matrimony +would be a most intolerable state; and that a wife's virtue ought to +be the result of her own reason, and not of her husband's +government: for my part, I would scorn a husband that would be +jealous, if he saw a fellow with me." All this while John's blood +boiled in his veins: he was now confirmed in all his suspicions; +the hardest names, were the best words that John gave her. Things +went from better to worse, till Mrs. Bull aimed a knife at John, +though John threw a bottle at her head very brutally indeed: and +after this there was nothing but confusion; bottles, glasses, +spoons, plates, knives, forks, and dishes, flew about like dust; the +result of which was, that Mrs. Bull received a bruise in her right +side of which she died half a year after. The bruise imposthumated, +and afterwards turned to a stinking ulcer, which made everybody shy +to come near her, yet she wanted not the help of many able +physicians, who attended very diligently, and did what men of skill +could do; but all to no purpose, for her condition was now quite +desperate, all regular physicians and her nearest relations having +given her over.**** + +* The opinion at that time of the General's tampering with the +Parliament. +** Blenheim Palace. +*** The story of Dr. Sacheverel, and the resentment of the House of +Commons. +**** The opinion of the Tories about that House of Commons. + + + +CHAPTER IX. How some Quacks undertook to cure Mrs. Bull of her +ulcer.* + +There is nothing so impossible in Nature but mountebanks will +undertake; nothing so incredible but they will affirm: Mrs. Bull's +condition was looked upon as desperate by all the men of art; but +there were those that bragged they had an infallible ointment and +plaister, which being applied to the sore, would cure it in a few +days; at the same time they would give her a pill that would purge +off all her bad humours, sweeten her blood, and rectify her +disturbed imagination. In spite of all applications the patient +grew worse every day; she stunk so, nobody durst come within a +stone's throw of her, except those quacks who attended her close, +and apprehended no danger. If one asked them how Mrs. Bull did? +Better and better, said they; the parts heal, and her constitution +mends: if she submits to our government she will be abroad in a +little time. Nay, it is reported that they wrote to her friends in +the country that she should dance a jig next October in Westminster +Hall, and that her illness had been chiefly owing to bad physicians. +At last, one of them was sent for in great haste, his patient grew +worse and worse: when he came, he affirmed that it was a gross +mistake, and that she was never in a fairer way. Bring hither the +salve, says he, and give her a plentiful draught of my cordial. As +he was applying his ointments, and administering the cordial, the +patient gave up the ghost, to the great confusion of the quack, and +the great joy of Bull and his friends. The quack flung away out of +the house in great disorder, and swore there was foul play, for he +was sure his medicines were infallible. Mrs. Bull having died +without any signs of repentance or devotion, the clergy would hardly +allow her a Christian burial. The relations had once resolved to +sue John for the murder, but considering better of it, and that such +a trial would rip up old sores, and discover things not so much to +the reputation of the deceased, they dropped their design. She left +no will, only there was found in her strong box the following words +written on a scrip of paper--"My curse on John Bull, and all my +posterity, if ever they come to any composition with the Lord +Strutt." + +She left him three daughters, whose names were Polemia, Discordia, +and Usuria.** + +* Endeavours and hopes of some people to hinder the dissolution of +that Parliament. +** War, faction, and usury. + + + +CHAPTER X. Of John Bull's second Wife, and the good Advice that she +gave him.* + +John quickly got the better of his grief, and, seeing that neither +his constitution nor the affairs of his family, could permit him to +live in an unmarried state, he resolved to get him another wife; a +cousin of his last wife's was proposed, but John would have no more +of the breed. In short, he wedded a sober country gentlewoman, of a +good family and a plentiful fortune, the reverse of the other in her +temper; not but that she loved money, for she was saving, and +applied her fortune to pay John's clamorous debts, that the unfrugal +method of his last wife, and this ruinous lawsuit, had brought him +into. One day, as she had got her husband in a good humour, she +talked to him after the following manner:--"My dear, since I have +been your wife, I have observed great abuses and disorders in your +family: your servants are mutinous and quarrelsome, and cheat you +most abominably; your cookmaid is in a combination with your +butcher, poulterer, and fishmonger; your butler purloins your +liquor, and the brewer sells you hogwash; your baker cheats both in +weight and in tale; even your milkwoman and your nursery-maid have a +fellow feeling; your tailor, instead of shreds, cabbages whole yards +of cloth; besides, leaving such long scores, and not going to market +with ready money forces us to take bad ware of the tradesmen at +their own price. You have not posted your books these ten years. +How is it possible for a man of business to keep his affairs even in +the world at this rate? Pray God this Hocus be honest; would to God +you would look over his bills, and see how matters stand between +Frog and you. Prodigious sums are spent in this lawsuit, and more +must be borrowed of scriveners and usurers at heavy interest. +Besides, my dear, let me beg of you to lay aside that wild project +of leaving your business to turn lawyer, for which, let me tell you, +Nature never designed you. Believe me, these rogues do but flatter, +that they may pick your pocket; observe what a parcel of hungry +ragged fellows live by your cause; to be sure they will never make +an end of it. I foresee this haunt you have got about the courts +will one day or another bring your family to beggary. Consider, my +dear, how indecent it is to abandon your shop and follow +pettifoggers; the habit is so strong upon you, that there is hardly +a plea between two country esquires, about a barren acre upon a +common, but you draw yourself in as bail, surety, or solicitor." +John heard her all this while with patience, till she pricked his +maggot, and touched him in the tender point. Then he broke out into +a violent passion: "What, I not fit for a lawyer? let me tell you, +my clod-pated relations spoiled the greatest genius in the world +when they bred me a mechanic. Lord Strutt, and his old rogue of a +grandsire, have found to their cost that I can manage a lawsuit as +well as another." "I don't deny what you say," replied Mrs. Bull, +"nor do I call in question your parts; but, I say, it does not suit +with your circumstances; you and your predecessors have lived in +good reputation among your neighbours by this same clothing-trade, +and it were madness to leave it off. Besides, there are few that +know all the tricks and cheats of these lawyers. Does not your own +experience teach you how they have drawn you on from one term to +another, and how you have danced the round of all the courts, still +flattering you with a final issue; and, for aught I can see, your +cause is not a bit clearer than it was seven years ago." "I will be +hanged," says John, "if I accept of any composition from Strutt or +his grandfather; I'll rather wheel about the streets an engine to +grind knives and scissors. However, I'll take your advice, and look +over my accounts." + +* A new Parliament: the aversion of a Tory House of Commons to war. + + + +CHAPTER XI. How John looked over his Attorney's Bill.* + +* Looking over the accounts. + +When John first brought out the bills, the surprise of all the +family was unexpressible at the prodigious dimensions of them; they +would have measured with the best bale of cloth in John's shop. +Fees to judges, puny judges, clerks, prothonotaries, philisers, +chirographers, under-clerks, proclamators, counsel, witnesses, +jurymen, marshals, tipstaffs, criers, porters; for enrollings, +exemplifications, bails, vouchers, returns, caveats, examinations, +filings of words, entries, declarations, replications, recordats, +nolle prosequies, certioraries, mittimuses, demurrers, special +verdicts, informations, scire facias, supersedeas, habeas corpus, +coach-hire, treating of witnesses, etc. "Verily," says John, "there +are a prodigious number of learned words in this law; what a pretty +science it is!" "Ay but, husband, you have paid for every syllable +and letter of these fine words. Bless me, what immense sums are at +the bottom of the account!" John spent several weeks in looking +over his bills, and, by comparing and stating his accounts, he +discovered that, besides the extravagance of every article, he had +been egregiously cheated; that he had paid for counsel that were +never fee'd, for writs that were never drawn, for dinners that were +never dressed, and journeys that were never made; in short, that the +tradesmen, lawyers, and Frog had agreed to throw the burden of the +lawsuit upon his shoulders. + + + +CHAPTER XII. How John grew angry, and resolved to accept a +Composition; and what Methods were practised by the Lawyers for +keeping him from it.* + +Well might the learned Daniel Burgess say, "That a lawsuit is a suit +for life. He that sows his grain upon marble will have many a +hungry belly before harvest." This John felt by woeful experience. +John's cause was a good milch cow, and many a man subsisted his +family out of it. However, John began to think it high time to look +about him. He had a cousin in the country, one Sir Roger Bold, +whose predecessors had been bred up to the law, and knew as much of +it as anybody; but having left off the profession for some time, +they took great pleasure in compounding lawsuits among their +neighbours, for which they were the aversion of the gentlemen of the +long robe, and at perpetual war with all the country attorneys. +John put his cause in Sir Roger's hands, desiring him to make the +best of it. The news had no sooner reached the ears of the lawyers, +but they were all in an uproar. They brought all the rest of the +tradesmen upon John.** Squire South swore he was betrayed, that he +would starve before he compounded; Frog said he was highly wronged; +even lying Ned the chimney-sweeper and Tom the dustman complained +that their interest was sacrificed; the lawyers, solicitors, Hocus +and his clerks, were all up in arms at the news of the composition: +they abused him and his wife most shamefully. "You silly, awkward, +ill-bred country sow," quoth one, "have you no more manners than to +rail at Hocus that has saved that clod-pated numskulled ninny-hammer +of yours from ruin, and all his family? It is well known how he has +rose early and sat up late to make him easy, when he was sotting at +every alehouse in town. I knew his last wife: she was a woman of +breeding, good humour, and complaisance--knew how to live in the +world. As for you, you look like a puppet moved by clockwork; your +clothes hang upon you as they were upon tenter-hooks; and you come +into a room as you were going to steal away a pint pot. Get you +gone in the country, to look after your mother's poultry, to milk +the cows, churn the butter, and dress up nosegays for a holiday, and +not meddle with matters which you know no more of than the sign-post +before your door. It is well known that Hocus has an established +reputation; he never swore an oath, nor told a lie, in all his life; +he is grateful to his benefactors, faithful to his friends, liberal +to his dependents, and dutiful to his superiors; he values not your +money more than the dust under his feet, but he hates to be abused. +Once for all, Mrs. Minx, leave off talking of Hocus, or I will pull +out these saucer-eyes of yours, and make that redstreak country face +look as raw as an ox-cheek upon a butcher's-stall; remember, I say, +that there are pillories and ducking-stools."*** With this away +they flung, leaving Mrs. Bull no time to reply. No stone was left +unturned to frighten John from his composition. Sometimes they +spread reports at coffee-houses that John and his wife were run mad; +that they intended to give up house, and make over all their estate +to Lewis Baboon; that John had been often heard talking to himself, +and seen in the streets without shoes or stockings; that he did +nothing from morning till night but beat his servants, after having +been the best master alive. As for his wife, she was a mere +natural. Sometimes John's house was beset with a whole regiment of +attornies' clerks, bailiffs, and bailiffs' followers, and other +small retainers of the law, who threw stones at his windows, and +dirt at himself as he went along the street. When John complained +of want of ready-money to carry on his suit, they advised him to +pawn his plate and jewels, and that Mrs. Bull should sell her linen +and wearing clothes. + +* Talk of peace, and the struggle of the party against it. +** The endeavours made use of to stop the Treaty of Peace, +*** Reflections upon the House of Commons as ignorant, who know +nothing of business. + + + +CHAPTER XIII. Mrs. Bull's vindication of the indispensable duty +incumbent upon Wives in case of the Tyranny, Infidelity, or +Insufficiency of Husbands; being a full Answer to the Doctor's +Sermon against Adultery.* + +* The Tories' representation of the speeches at Sacheverel's trial. + +John found daily fresh proofs of the infidelity and bad designs of +his deceased wife; amongst other things, one day looking over his +cabinet, he found the following paper:-- + +"It is evident that matrimony is founded upon an original contract, +whereby the wife makes over the right she has by the law of Nature +in favour of the husband, by which he acquires the property of all +her posterity. But, then, the obligation is mutual; and where the +contract is broken on one side it ceases to bind on the other. +Where there is a right there must be a power to maintain it and to +punish the offending party. This power I affirm to be that original +right, or rather that indispensable duty lodged in all wives in the +cases above mentioned. No wife is bound by any law to which herself +has not consented. All economical government is lodged originally +in the husband and wife, the executive part being in the husband; +both have their privileges secured to them by law and reason; but +will any man infer from the husband being invested with the +executive power, that the wife is deprived of her share, and that +she has no remedy left but preces and lacrymae, or an appeal to a +supreme court of judicature? No less frivolous are the arrangements +that are drawn from the general appellations and terms of husband +and wife. A husband denotes several different sorts of magistracy, +according to the usages and customs of different climates and +countries. In some eastern nations it signifies a tyrant, with the +absolute power of life and death. In Turkey it denotes an arbitrary +governor, with power of perpetual imprisonment; in Italy it gives +the husband the power of poison and padlocks; in the countries of +England, France, and Holland, it has a quite different meaning, +implying a free and equal government, securing to the wife in +certain cases the liberty of change, and the property of pin-money +and separate maintenance. So that the arguments drawn from the +terms of husband and wife are fallacious, and by no means fit to +support a tyrannical doctrine, as that of absolute unlimited +chastity and conjugal fidelity. + +"The general exhortations to fidelity in wives are meant only for +rules in ordinary cases, but they naturally suppose three conditions +of ability, justice, and fidelity in the husband; such an unlimited, +unconditioned fidelity in the wife could never be supposed by +reasonable men. It seems a reflection upon the Church to charge her +with doctrines that countenance oppression. + +"This doctrine of the original right of change is congruous to the +law of Nature, which is superior to all human laws, and for that I +dare appeal to all wives: It is much to the honour of our English +wives that they have never given up that fundamental point, and that +though in former ages they were muffled up in darkness and +superstition, yet that notion seemed engraven on their minds, and +the impression so strong that nothing could impair it. + +"To assert the illegality of change, upon any pretence whatsoever, +were to cast odious colours upon the married state, to blacken the +necessary means of perpetuating families--such laws can never be +supposed to have been designed to defeat the very end of matrimony. +I call them necessary means, for in many cases what other means are +left? Such a doctrine wounds the honour of families, unsettles the +titles to kingdoms, honours, and estates; for if the actions from +which such settlements spring were illegal, all that is built upon +them must be so too; but the last is absurd, therefore the first +must be so likewise. What is the cause that Europe groans at +present under the heavy load of a cruel and expensive war, but the +tyrannical custom of a certain nation, and the scrupulous nicety of +a silly queen in not exercising this indispensable duty, whereby the +kingdom might have had an heir, and a controverted succession might +have been avoided. These are the effects of the narrow maxims of +your clergy, 'That one must not do evil that good may come of it.' + +"The assertors of this indefeasible right, and jus divinum of +matrimony, do all in their hearts favour the pretenders to married +women; for if the true legal foundation of the married state be once +sapped, and instead thereof tyrannical maxims introduced, what must +follow but elopements instead of secret and peaceable change? + +"From all that has been said, one may clearly perceive the absurdity +of the doctrine of this seditious, discontented, hot-headed, +ungifted, unedifying preacher, asserting 'that the grand security of +the matrimonial state, and the pillar upon which it stands, is +founded upon the wife's belief of an absolute unconditional fidelity +to the husband;' by which bold assertion he strikes at the root, +digs the foundation, and removes the basis upon which the happiness +of a married state is built. As for his personal reflections, I +would gladly know who are those 'wanton wives' he speaks of? who are +those ladies of high stations that he so boldly traduces in his +sermon? It is pretty plain who these aspersions are aimed at, for +which he deserves the pillory, or something worse. + +"In confirmation of this doctrine of the indispensable duty of +change, I could bring the example of the wisest wives in all ages, +who by these means have preserved their husband's families from ruin +and oblivion by want of posterity; but what has been said is a +sufficient ground for punishing this pragmatical parson." + + + +CHAPTER XIV. The two great Parties of Wives, the Devotos and the +Hitts.* + +*Those who were for and against the doctrine of nonresistance. + +The doctrine of unlimited fidelity in wives was universally espoused +by all husbands, who went about the country and made the wives sign +papers signifying their utter detestation and abhorrence of Mrs. +Bull's wicked doctrine of the indispensable duty of change. Some +yielded, others refused to part with their native liberty, which +gave rise to two great parties amongst the wives, the Devotos and +the Hitts. Though, it must be owned, the distinction was more +nominal than real; for the Devotos would abuse freedoms sometimes, +and those who were distinguished by the name of Hitts were often +very honest. At the same time there was an ingenious treatise came +out with the title of "Good Advice to Husbands," in which they are +counselled not to trust too much to their wives owning the doctrine +of unlimited conjugal fidelity, and so to neglect a due watchfulness +over the manners of their wives; that the greatest security to +husbands was a good usage of their wives and keeping them from +temptation, many husbands having been sufferers by their trusting +too much to general professions, as was exemplified in the case of a +foolish and negligent husband, who, trusting to the efficacy of this +principle, was undone by his wife's elopement from him. + + + +CHAPTER XV. An Account of the Conference between Mrs. Bull and Don +Diego.* + +* A Tory nobleman who, by his influence upon the House of Commons, +endeavoured to stop the Treaty. + +The lawyers, as their last effort to put off the composition, sent +Don Diego to John. Don Diego was a very worthy gentleman, a friend +to John, his mother, and present wife, and, therefore, supposed to +have some influence over her. He had been ill used himself by +John's lawyers, but because of some animosity to Sir Roger was +against the composition. The conference between him and Mrs. Bull +was word for word as follows:-- + +DON DIEGO.--Is it possible, cousin Bull, that you can forget the +honourable maxims of the family you are come of, and break your word +with three of the honestest, best-meaning persons in the world-- +Esquires South, Frog, and Hocus--that have sacrificed their +interests to yours? It is base to take advantage of their +simplicity and credulity, and leave them in the lurch at last. + +MRS. BULL--I am sure they have left my family in a bad condition, we +have hardly money to go to market; and nobody will take our words +for sixpence. A very fine spark this Esquire South! My husband +took him in, a dirty boy. It was the business of half the servants +to attend him.* The rogue did bawl and make such a noise: +sometimes he fell in the fire and burnt his face, sometimes broke +his shins clambering over the benches, and always came in so dirty, +as if he had been dragged through the kennel at a boarding-school. +He lost his money at chuck-farthing, shuffle-cap, and all-fours; +sold his books, pawned his linen, which we were always forced to +redeem. Then the whole generation of him are so in love with +bagpipes and puppet-shows! I wish you knew what my husband has paid +at the pastry-cook's and confectioner's for Naples biscuits, tarts, +custards, and sweetmeats. All this while my husband considered him +as a gentleman of a good family that had fallen into decay, gave him +good education, and has settled him in a good creditable way of +living--having procured him, by his interest, one of the best places +of the country. And what return, think you, does this fine +gentleman make us? he will hardly give me or my husband a good word, +or a civil expression. Instead of Sir and Madam (which, though I +say it, is our due), he calls us "goody " and "gaffer" such-a-one; +says he did us a great deal of honour to board with us; huffs and +dings at such a rate, because we will not spend the little we have +left to get him the title and estate of Lord Strutt; and then +forsooth, we shall have the honour to be his woollen-drapers.** +Besides, Esquire South will be Esquire South still; fickle, proud, +and ungrateful. If he behaves himself so when he depends on us for +his daily bread, can any man say what he will do when he is got +above the world? + +* Something relating to the manners of a great prince, superstition, +love of operas, shows, etc. +** Something relating to forms and titles. + +D. DIEGO.--And would you lose the honour of so noble and generous an +undertaking? Would you rather accept this scandalous composition, +and trust that old rogue, Lewis Baboon? + +MRS. BULL.--Look you, Friend Diego, if we law it on till Lewis turns +honest, I am afraid our credit will run low at Blackwell Hall. I +wish every man had his own; but I still say, that Lord Strutt's +money shines as bright and chinks as well as Esquire South's. I +don't know any other hold that we tradesmen have of these great +folks but their interest: buy dear and sell cheap, and I warrant ye +you will keep your customer. The worst is, that Lord Strutt's +servants have got such a haunt about that old rogue's shop, that it +will cost us many a firkin of strong beer to bring them back again; +and the longer they are in a bad road, the harder it will be to get +them out of it. + +D. DIEGO.--But poor Frog, what has he done! On my conscience, if +there be an honest, sincere man in the world, it is that Frog. + +MRS. BULL.--I think I need not tell you how much Frog has been +obliged to our family from his childhood; he carries his head high +now, but he had never been the man he is without our help.* Ever +since the commencement of this lawsuit, it has been the business of +Hocus, in sharing out expenses, to plead for Frog. "Poor Frog," +says he, "is in hard circumstances, he has a numerous family, and +lives from hand to mouth; his children don't eat a bit of good +victuals from one year's end to the other, but live upon salt +herring, sour curd, and borecole. He does his utmost, poor fellow, +to keep things even in the world, and has exerted himself beyond his +ability in this lawsuit; but he really has not wherewithal to go on. +What signifies this hundred pounds? place it upon your side of the +account; it is a great deal to poor Frog, and a trifle to you." +This has been Hocus's constant language, and I am sure he has had +obligations enough to us to have acted another part. + +* Complaints of the House of Commons of the unequal burden of the +war. + +D. DIEGO.--No doubt Hocus meant all this for the best, but he is a +tender-hearted, charitable man; Frog is indeed in hard +circumstances. + +MRS. BULL--Hard circumstances! I swear this is provoking to the +last degree. All the time of the lawsuit, as fast as I have +mortgaged, Frog has purchased: from a plain tradesman, with a shop, +warehouse, and a country hut with a dirty fish-pond at the end of +it, he is now grown a very rich country gentleman, with a noble +landed estate, noble palaces, manors, parks, gardens, and farms, +finer than any we were ever master of.* Is it not strange, when my +husband disbursed great sums every term, Frog should be purchasing +some new farm or manor? so that if this lawsuit lasts, he will be +far the richest man in his country. What is worse than all this, he +steals away my customers every day; twelve of the richest and the +best have left my shop by his persuasion, and whom, to my certain +knowledge, he has under bonds never to return again: judge you if +this be neighbourly dealing. + +* The Dutch acquisitions in Flanders. + +D. DIEGO--Frog is indeed pretty close in his dealings, but very +honest: you are so touchy, and take things so hotly, I am sure +there must be some mistake in this. + +MRS. BULL--A plaguy one indeed! You know, and have often told me of +it, how Hocus and those rogues kept my husband, John Bull, drunk for +five years together with punch and strong waters: I am sure he +never went one night sober to bed, till they got him to sign the +strangest deed that ever you saw in your life. The methods they +took to manage him I'll tell you another time; at present I'll read +only the writing. + +Articles of Agreement betwixt JOHN BULL, Clothier, and NICHOLAS +FROG, Linen-draper.* + +* The sentiments of the House of Commons, and their representation +of the Barrier Treaty. + +I. That for maintaining the ancient good correspondence and +friendship between the said parties, I, Nicholas Frog, do solemnly +engage and promise to keep peace in John Bull's family; that neither +his wife, children, nor servants, give him any trouble, disturbance, +or molestation whatsoever, but to oblige them all to do their duty +quietly in their respective stations. And whereas the said John +Bull, from the assured confidence that he has in my friendship, has +appointed me executor of his last will and testament, and guardian +to his children, I do undertake for me, my heirs and assigns, to see +the same duly executed and performed, and that it shall be +unalterable in all its parts by John Bull, or anybody else: for +that purpose it shall be lawful and allowable for me to enter his +house at any hour of the day or night, to break open bars, bolts, +and doors, chests of drawers, and strong boxes, in order to secure +the peace of my friend John Bull's family, and to see his will duly +executed. + +II. In consideration of which kind neighbourly office of Nicholas +Frog, in that he has been pleased to accept of the aforesaid trust, +I, John Bull, having duly considered that my friend, Nicholas Frog, +at this time lives in a marshy soil and unwholesome air, infested +with fogs and damps, destructive of the health of himself, wife, and +children, do bind and oblige me, my heirs and assigns, to purchase +for the said Nicholas Frog, with the best and readiest of my cash, +bonds, mortgages, goods and chattels, a landed estate, with parks, +gardens, palaces, rivers, fields, and outlets, consisting of as +large extent as the said Nicholas Frog shall think fit. And whereas +the said Nicholas Frog is at present hemmed in too close by the +grounds of Lewis Baboon, master of the science of defence, I, the +said John Bull, do oblige myself with the readiest of my cash, to +purchase and enclose the said grounds, for as many fields and acres +as the said Nicholas shall think fit; to the intent that the said +Nicholas may have free egress and regress, without let or +molestation, suitable to the demands of himself and family. + +III. Furthermore, the said John Bull obliges himself to make the +country neighbours of Nicholas Frog allot a certain part of yearly +rents, to pay for the repairs of the said landed estate, to the +intent that his good friend, Nicholas Frog, may be eased of all +charges. + +IV. And whereas the said Nicholas Frog did contract with the +deceased Lord Strutt about certain liberties, privileges, and +immunities, formerly in the possession of the said John Bull, I, the +said John Bull, do freely by these presents, renounce, quit, and +make over to the said Nicholas, the liberties, privileges, and +immunities contracted for, in as full a manner, as if they never had +belonged to me. + +V. The said John Bull obliges himself, his heirs and assigns, not +to sell one rag of broad or coarse cloth to any gentleman within the +neighbourhood of the said Nicholas, except in such quantities and +such rates as the said Nicholas shall think fit. + Signed and sealed, + JOHN BULL, + NIC. FROG. + +The reading of this paper put Mrs. Bull in such a passion that she +fell downright into a fit, and they were forced to give her a good +quantity of the spirit of hartshorn before she recovered. + +D. DIEGO--Why in such a passion, cousin? considering your +circumstances at that time, I don't think this such an unreasonable +contract. You see Frog, for all this, is religiously true to his +bargain; he scorns to hearken to any composition without your +privacy. + +MRS. BULL.--You know the contrary.* Read that letter. + +[Reads the superscription.] For Lewis Baboon, Master of the Noble +Science of Defence. + +"SIR.--I understand that you are at this time treating with my +friend John Bull, about restoring the Lord Strutt's custom, and +besides allowing him certain privileges of parks and fish-ponds; I +wonder how you that are a man that knows the world, can talk with +that simple fellow. He has been my bubble these twenty years, and +to my certain knowledge, understands no more of his own affairs than +a child in swaddling clothes. I know he has got a sort of a +pragmatical silly jade of a wife, that pretends to take him out of +my hands; but you and she both will find yourselves mistaken; I'll +find those that shall manage her; and for him, he dares as well be +hanged as make one step in his affairs without my consent. If you +will give me what you promised him, I will make all things easy, and +stop the deeds of ejectment against Lord Strutt: if you will not, +take what follows. I shall have a good action against you, for +pretending to rob me of my bubble. Take this warning from + "Your loving friend, + "NIC. FROG." + +* Secret negotiations of the Dutch at that time. + +I am told, cousin Diego, you are one of those that have undertaken +to manage me, and that you have said you will carry a green bag +yourself, rather than we shall make an end of our lawsuit: I'll +teach them and you too to manage. + +D. DIEGO.--For God's sake, madam, why so choleric? I say this +letter is some forgery; it never entered into the head of that +honest man, Nic. Frog, to do any such thing. + +MRS. BULL.--I can't abide you. You have been railing these twenty +years at Squire South, Frog, and Hocus, calling them rogues and +pickpockets, and now they are turned the honestest fellows in the +world. What is the meaning of all this? + +D. DIEGO.--Pray tell me how you came to employ this Sir Roger in +your affairs, and not think of your old friend Diego? + +MRS. BULL.--So, so, there it pinches. To tell you truth, I have +employed Sir Roger in several weighty affairs, and have found him +trusty and honest, and the poor man always scorned to take a +farthing of me. I have abundance that profess great zeal, but they +are damnable greedy of the pence. My husband and I are now in such +circumstances, that we must be served upon cheaper terms than we +have been. + +D. DIEGO.--Well, cousin, I find I can do no good with you; I am +sorry that you will ruin yourself by trusting this Sir Roger. + + + +CHAPTER XVI. How the guardians of the deceased Mrs. Bull's three +daughters came to John, and what advice they gave him; wherein is +briefly treated the characters of the three daughters. Also John +Bull's answer to the three guardians.* + +* Concerns of the party, and speeches for carrying on the war, etc. +Sentiments of the Tories and House of Commons against continuing the +war for setting King Charles upon the throne of Spain. + +I told you in a former chapter that Mrs. Bull, before she departed +this life, had blessed John with three daughters. I need not here +repeat their names, neither would I willingly use any scandalous +reflections upon young ladies, whose reputations ought to be very +tenderly handled; but the characters of these were so well known in +the neighbourhood, that it is doing them no injury to make a short +description of them. + +The eldest* was a termagant, imperious, prodigal, lewd, profligate +wench, as ever breathed; she used to rantipole about the house, +pinch the children, kick the servants, and torture the cats and the +dogs; she would rob her father's strong box, for money to give the +young fellows that she was fond of. She had a noble air, and +something great in her mien, but such a noisome infectious breath, +as threw all the servants that dressed her into consumptions; if she +smelt to the freshest nosegay, it would shrivel and wither as it had +been blighted: she used to come home in her cups, and break the +china, and the looking-glasses; and was of such an irregular temper, +and so entirely given up to her passion, that you might argue as +well with the North wind, as with her ladyship: so expensive, that +the income of three dukedoms was not enough to supply her +extravagance. Hocus loved her best, believing her to be his own, +got upon the body of Mrs. Bull. + +* Polemia. + +The second daughter,* born a year after her sister, was a peevish, +froward, ill-conditioned creature as ever was, ugly as the devil, +lean, haggard, pale, with saucer eyes, a sharp nose, and hunched +backed; but active, sprightly, and diligent about her affairs. Her +ill complexion was occasioned by her bad diet, which was coffee** +morning, noon, and night. She never rested quietly a-bed, but used +to disturb the whole family with shrieking out in her dreams, and +plague them next day with interpreting them, for she took them all +for gospel; she would cry out "Murder!" and disturb the whole +neighbourhood; and when John came running downstairs to inquire what +the matter was, nothing forsooth, only her maid had stuck a pin +wrong in her gown; she turned away one servant for putting too much +oil in her salad, and another for putting too little salt in her +water-gruel; but such as by flattery had procured her esteem, she +would indulge in the greatest crime. Her father had two coachmen; +when one was in the coach-box, if the coach swung but the least to +one side, she used to shriek so loud, that all the street concluded +she was overturned; but though the other was eternally drunk, and +had overturned the whole family, she was very angry with her father +for turning him away. Then she used to carry tales and stories from +one to another, till she had set the whole neighbourhood together by +the ears; and this was the only diversion she took pleasure in. She +never went abroad, but she brought home such a bundle of monstrous +lies, as would have amazed any mortal, but such as know her: of a +whale that had swallowed a fleet of ships; of the lions being let +out of the Tower, to destroy the Protestant religion; of the Pope's +being seen in a brandy-shop at Wapping; and a prodigious strong man +that was going to shove down the cupola of St. Paul's; of three +millions of five pound pieces that Squire South had found under an +old wall; of blazing stars, flying dragons, and abundance of such +stuff. All the servants in the family made high court to her, for +she domineered there, and turned out and in whom she pleased; only +there was an old grudge between her and Sir Roger, whom she mortally +hated and used to hire fellows to squirt kennel water upon him as he +passed along the streets; so that he was forced constantly to wear a +surtout of oiled cloth, by which means he came home pretty clean, +except where the surtout was a little scanty. + +* Discordia. +** Coffee-house tattle. + +As for the third* she was a thief and a common mercenary. She had +no respect of persons: a prince or a porter was all one, according +as they paid; yea, she would leave the finest gentleman in the world +to go to an ugly fellow for sixpence more. In the practice of her +profession she had amassed vast magazines of all sorts of things: +she had above five hundred suits of fine clothes, and yet went +abroad like a cinder wench. She robbed and starved all the +servants, so that nobody could live near her. + +* Usuria. + +So much for John's three daughters, which you will say were rarities +to be fond of. Yet Nature will shew itself. Nobody could blame +their relations for taking care of them, and therefore it was that +Hocus, with two other of the guardians, thought it their duty to +take care of the interest of the three girls and give John their +best advice before he compounded the lawsuit. + +HOCUS.--What makes you so shy of late, my good friend? There's +nobody loves you better than I, nor has taken more pains in your +affairs. As I hope to be saved I would do anything to serve you; I +would crawl upon all fours to serve you; I have spent my health and +paternal estate in your service. I have, indeed, a small pittance +left, with which I might retire, and with as good a conscience as +any man; but the thoughts of this disgraceful composition so touches +me to the quick that I cannot sleep. After I had brought the cause +to the last stroke, that one verdict more had quite ruined old Lewis +and Lord Strutt, and put you in the quiet possession of everything-- +then to compound! I cannot bear it. This cause was my favourite; I +had set my heart upon it; it is like an only child; I cannot endure +it should miscarry. For God's sake consider only to what a dismal +condition old Lewis is brought. He is at an end of all his cash; +his attorneys have hardly one trick left; they are at an end of all +their chicane; besides, he has both his law and his daily bread now +upon trust. Hold out only one term longer, and I'll warrant you +before the next we shall have him in the Fleet. I'll bring him to +the pillory; his ears shall pay for his perjuries. For the love of +God don't compound. Let me be damned if you have a friend in the +world that loves you better than I. There is nobody can say I am +covetous or that I have any interests to pursue but yours. + +SECOND GUARDIAN.--There is nothing so plain as that this Lewis has a +design to ruin all his neighbouring tradesmen, and at this time he +has such a prodigious income by his trade of all kinds, that, if +there is not some stop put to his exorbitant riches, he will +monopolise everything; nobody will be able to sell a yard of drapery +or mercery ware but himself. I then hold it advisable that you +continue the lawsuit and burst him at once. My concern for the +three poor motherless children obliges me to give you this advice; +for their estates, poor girls, depend upon the success of this +cause. + +THIRD GUARDIAN.--I own this Writ of Ejectment has cost dear, but +then consider it is a jewel well worth the purchasing at the price +of all you have. None but Mr. Bull's declared enemies can say he +has any other security for his clothing trade but the ejectment of +Lord Strutt. The only question, then, that remains to be decided +is: who shall stand the expenses of the suit? To which the answer +is as plain: who but he that is to have the advantage of the +sentence? When Esquire South has got possession of his title and +honour is not John Bull to be his clothier? Who, then, but John +ought to put in possession? Ask but any indifferent gentleman, Who +ought to bear his charges at law? and he will readily answer, His +tradesmen. I do therefore affirm, and I will go to death with it, +that, being his clothier, you ought to put him in quiet possession +of his estate, and with the same generous spirit you have begun it +complete the good work. If you persist in the bad measures you are +now in, what must become of the three poor orphans! My heart bleeds +for the poor girls. + +JOHN BULL.--You are all very eloquent persons, but give me leave to +tell you you express a great deal more concern for the three girls +than for me. I think my interest ought to be considered in the +first place. As for you, Hocus, I can't but say you have managed my +lawsuit with great address and much to my honour, and, though I say +it, you have been well paid for it. Why must the burden be taken +off Frog's back and laid upon my shoulders? He can drive about his +own parks and fields in his gilt chariot, when I have been forced to +mortgage my estate; his note will go farther than my bond. Is it +not matter of fact, that from the richest tradesman in all the +country, I am reduced to beg and borrow from scriveners and usurers +that suck the heart, blood, and guts out of me, and what is all this +for! Did you like Frog's countenance better than mine? Was not I +your old friend and relation? Have I not presented you nobly? Have +I not clad your whole family? Have you not had a hundred yards at a +time of the finest cloth in my shop? Why must the rest of the +tradesmen be not only indemnified from charges, but forbid to go on +with their own business, and what is more their concern than mine? +As to holding out this term I appeal to your own conscience, has not +that been your constant discourse these six years, "One term more +and old Lewis goes to pot?" If thou art so fond of my cause be +generous for once, and lend me a brace of thousands. Ah, Hocus! +Hocus! I know thee: not a sous to save me from jail, I trow. Look +ye, gentlemen, I have lived with credit in the world, and it grieves +my heart never to stir out of my doors but to be pulled by the +sleeve by some rascally dun or other. "Sir, remember my bill. +There's a small concern of a thousand pounds; I hope you think on't, +sir." And to have these usurers transact my debts at coffee-houses +and ale-houses, as if I were going to break up shop. Lord! that +ever the rich, the generous John Bull, clothier, the envy of all his +neighbours, should be brought to compound his debts for five +shillings in the pound, and to have his name in an advertisement for +a statute of bankrupt. The thought of it makes me mad. I have read +somewhere in the Apocrypha, "That one should not consult with a +woman touching her of whom she is jealous; nor with a merchant +concerning exchange; nor with a buyer, of selling; nor with an +unmerciful man, of kindness, etc." I could have added one thing +more: nor with an attorney about compounding a lawsuit. The +ejectment of Lord Strutt will never do. The evidence is crimp: the +witnesses swear backwards and forwards, and contradict themselves; +and his tenants stick by him. One tells me that I must carry on my +suit, because Lewis is poor; another, because he is still too rich: +whom shall I believe? I am sure of one thing, that a penny in the +purse is the best friend John can have at last, and who can say that +this will be the last suit I shall be engaged in? Besides, if this +ejectment were practicable is it reasonable that, when Esquire South +is losing his money to sharpers and pickpockets, going about the +country with fiddlers and buffoons, and squandering his income with +hawks and dogs, I should lay out the fruits of my honest industry in +a lawsuit for him, only upon the hopes of being his clothier? And +when the cause is over I shall not have the benefit of my project +for want of money to go to market. Look ye, gentlemen, John Bull is +but a plain man, but John Bull knows when he is ill used. I know +the infirmity of our family: we are apt to play the boon-companion +and throw away our money in our cups. But it was an unfair thing in +you, gentlemen, to take advantage of my weakness, to keep a parcel +of roaring bullies about me day and night, with huzzas and hunting +horns, and ringing the changes on butcher's cleavers; never let me +cool, and make me set my hand to papers when I could hardly hold my +pen. There will come a day of reckoning for all that proceeding. +In the meantime, gentlemen, I beg you will let me into my affairs a +little, and that you would not grudge me the small remainder of a +very great estate. + + + +CHAPTER XVII. Esquire South's Message and Letter to Mrs. Bull.* + +* Complaints of the deficiencies of the House of Austria, Prince +Eugene's journey and message. + +The arguments used by Hocus and the rest of the guardians had +hitherto proved insufficient. John and his wife could not be +persuaded to bear the expense of Esquire South's lawsuit. They +thought it reasonable that, since he was to have the honour and +advantage, he should bear the greatest share of the charges, and +retrench what he lost to sharpers and spent upon country dances and +puppet plays to apply it to that use. This was not very grateful to +the esquire; therefore, as the last experiment, he was resolved to +send Signior Benenato, master of his foxhounds, to Mrs. Bull to try +what good he could do with her. This Signior Benenato had all the +qualities of a fine gentleman that were set to charm a lady's heart, +and if any person in the world could have persuaded her it was he. +But such was her unshaken fidelity to her husband, and the constant +purpose of her mind to pursue his interest, that the most refined +arts of gallantry that were practised could not seduce her heart. +The necklaces, diamond crosses, and rich bracelets that were offered +she rejected with the utmost scorn and disdain. The music and +serenades that were given her sounded more ungratefully in her ears +than the noise of a screech owl. However, she received Esquire +South's letter by the hands of Signior Benenato with that respect +which became his quality. The copy of the letter is as follows, in +which you will observe he changes a little his usual style:-- + +MADAM,--The Writ of Ejectment against Philip Baboon (pretended Lord +Strutt) is just ready to pass. There want but a few necessary forms +and a verdict or two more to put me in the quiet possession of my +honour and estate. I question not but that, according to your +wonted generosity and goodness, you will give it the finishing +stroke: an honour that I would grudge anybody but yourself. In +order to ease you of some part of the charges, I promise to furnish +pen, ink, and paper, provided you pay for the stamps. Besides, I +have ordered my stewards to pay out of the readiest and best of my +rents five pounds ten shillings a year till my suit is finished. I +wish you health and happiness, being with due respect, + Madam, your assured friend, + SOUTH. + +What answer Mrs. Bull returned to this letter you shall know in my +second part, only they were at a pretty good distance in their +proposals; for as Esquire South only offered to be at the charges of +pen, ink, and paper, Mrs. Bull refused any more than to lend her +barge* to carry his counsel to Westminster Hall. + +* Sending the English Fleet to convoy the forces to Barcelona. + + + +PART II. + + +THE PUBLISHER'S PREFACE. + +The world is much indebted to the famous Sir Humphry Polesworth for +his ingenious and impartial account of John Bull's lawsuit. Yet +there is just cause of complaint against him, in that he relates it +only by parcels, and won't give us the whole work. This forces me, +who am only the publisher, to bespeak the assistance of his friends +and acquaintance to engage him to lay aside that stingey humour and +gratify the curiosity of the public at once. He pleads in excuse +that they are only private memoirs, wrote for his own use in a loose +style to serve as a help to his ordinary conversation. I +represented to him the good reception the first part had met with; +that, though calculated only for the meridian of Grub Street, it was +yet taken notice of by the better sort; that the world was now +sufficiently acquainted with John Bull, and interested itself in his +concerns. He answered with a smile, that he had, indeed, some +trifling things to impart that concerned John Bull's relations and +domestic affairs. If these would satisfy me he gave me free leave +to make use of them, because they would serve to make the history of +the lawsuit more intelligible. When I had looked over the +manuscript I found likewise some further account of the composition, +which, perhaps, may not be unacceptable to such as have read the +former part. + + + +CHAPTER I. The Character of John Bull's Mother.* + +* The Church of England. + +John had a mother whom he loved and honoured extremely, a discreet, +grave, sober, good-conditioned, cleanly old gentlewoman as ever +lived. She was none of your cross-grained, termagant, scolding +jades that one had as good be hanged as live in the house with, such +as are always censuring the conduct and telling scandalous stories +of their neighbours, extolling their own good qualities and +undervaluing those of others. On the contrary, she was of a meek +spirit, and, as she was strictly virtuous herself, so she always put +the best construction upon the words and actions of her neighbours, +except where they were irreconcileable to the rules of honesty and +decency. She was neither one of your precise prudes, nor one of +your fantastical old belles that dress themselves like girls of +fifteen; as she neither wore a ruff, forehead-cloth, nor +high-crowned hat, so she had laid aside feathers, flowers, and +crimpt ribbons in her head-dress, furbelow-scarfs, and +hooped-petticoats. She scorned to patch and paint, yet she loved to +keep her hands and her face clean. Though she wore no flaunting +laced ruffles, she would not keep herself in a constant sweat with +greasy flannel. Though her hair was not stuck with jewels, she was +not ashamed of a diamond cross; she was not, like some ladies, hung +about with toys and trinkets, tweezer-cases, pocket-glasses, and +essence-bottles; she used only a gold watch and an almanack to mark +the hours and the holy days. + +Her furniture was neat and genteel, well fancied with a bon gout. +As she affected not the grandeur of a state with a canopy, she +thought there was no offence in an elbow-chair. She had laid aside +your carving, gilding, and Japan work as being too apt to gather +dirt. But she never could be prevailed upon to part with plain +wainscot and clean hangings. There are some ladies that affect to +smell a stink in everything; they are always highly perfumed, and +continually burning frankincense in their rooms. She was above such +affectation, yet she never would lay aside the use of brooms and +scrubbing-brushes, and scrupled not to lay her linen in fresh +lavender. + +She was no less genteel in her behaviour, well-bred, without +affectation; in the due mean between one of your affected, +curtseying pieces of formality and your romps that have no regard to +the common rules of civility. There are some ladies that affect a +mighty regard for their relations. "We must not eat to-day, for my +uncle Tom, or my cousin Betty, died this time ten years. Let's have +a ball to-night, it is my neighbour Such-a-one's birthday." She +looked upon all this as grimace, yet she constantly observed her +husband's birthday, her wedding-day, and some few more. + +Though she was a truly good woman, and had a sincere motherly love +for her son John, yet there wanted not those who endeavoured to +create a misunderstanding between them, and they had so far +prevailed with him once that he turned her out of doors, to his +great sorrow, as he found afterwards, for his affairs went on at +sixes and sevens. + +She was no less judicious in the turn of her conversation and choice +of her studies, in which she far exceeded all her sex. Your rakes +that hate the company of all sober, grave gentlewomen would bear +hers, and she would, by her handsome manner of proceeding, sooner +reclaim than some that were more sour and reserved. She was a +zealous preacher up of conjugal fidelity in wives, and by no means a +friend to the new-fangled doctrine of the indispensable duty of +change. Though she advanced her opinions with a becoming assurance, +yet she never ushered them in as some positive creatures will do, +with dogmatical assertions. "This is infallible; I cannot be +mistaken; none but a rogue can deny it." It has been observed that +such people are oftener in the wrong than anybody. + +Though she had a thousand good qualities, she was not without her +faults, amongst which one might, perhaps, reckon too great lenity to +her servants, to whom she always gave good counsel, but often too +gentle correction. I thought I could not say less of John Bull's +mother, because she bears a part in the following transactions. + + + +CHAPTER II. The Character of John Bull's Sister Peg,* with the +Quarrels that happened between Master and Miss in their Childhood. + +* The nation and Church of Scotland. + +John had a sister, a poor girl that had been starved at nurse. +Anybody would have guessed Miss to have been bred up under the +influence of a cruel stepdame, and John to be the fondling of a +tender mother. John looked ruddy and plump, with a pair of cheeks +like a trumpeter; Miss looked pale and wan, as if she had the green +sickness; and no wonder, for John was the darling: he had all the +good bits, was crammed with good pullet, chicken, pig, goose, and +capon; while Miss had only a little oatmeal and water, or a dry +crust without butter. John had his golden pippins, peaches, and +nectarines; poor Miss, a crab-apple, sloe, or a blackberry. Master +lay in the best apartment, with his bedchamber towards the south +sun. Miss lodged in a garret exposed to the north wind, which +shrivelled her countenance. However, this usage, though it stunted +the girl in her growth, gave her a hardy constitution; she had life +and spirit in abundance, and knew when she was ill-used. Now and +then she would seize upon John's commons, snatch a leg of a pullet, +or a bit of good beef, for which they were sure to go to fisticuffs. +Master was indeed too strong for her, but Miss would not yield in +the least point; but even when Master had got her down, she would +scratch and bite like a tiger; when he gave her a cuff on the ear, +she would prick him with her knitting-needle. John brought a great +chain one day to tie her to the bedpost, for which affront Miss +aimed a penknife at his heart. In short, these quarrels grew up to +rooted aversions; they gave one another nicknames, though the girl +was a tight clever wench as any was, and through her pale looks you +might discern spirit and vivacity, which made her not, indeed, a +perfect beauty, but something that was agreeable. It was barbarous +in parents not to take notice of these early quarrels, and make them +live better together, such domestic feuds proving afterwards the +occasion of misfortunes to them both. Peg had, indeed, some odd +humours* and comical antipathy, for which John would jeer her. +"What think you of my sister Peg," says he, "that faints at the +sound of an organ, and yet will dance and frisk at the noise of a +bagpipe?" "What's that to you?" quoth Peg. "Everybody's to choose +their own music." Then Peg had taken a fancy not to say her +Paternoster, which made people imagine strange things of her. Of +the three brothers that have made such a clutter in the world--Lord +Peter, Martin, and Jack--Jack had of late been her inclinations. +Lord Peter she detested, nor did Martin stand much better in her +good graces; but Jack had found the way to her heart. I have often +admired what charms she discovered in that awkward booby, till I +talked with a person that was acquainted with the intrigue, who gave +me the following account of it. + +* Love of Presbytery. + + + +CHAPTER III. Jack's Charms,* or the Method by which he gained Peg's +Heart. + +* Character of the Presbyterians. + +In the first place, Jack was a very young fellow, by much the +youngest of the three brothers, and people, indeed, wondered how +such a young upstart jackanapes should grow so pert and saucy, and +take so much upon him. + +Jack bragged of greater abilities than other men. He was well +gifted, as he pretended: I need not tell you what secret influence +that has upon the ladies. + +Jack had a most scandalous tongue, and persuaded Peg that all +mankind, besides himself, were plagued by that scarlet-faced woman, +Signiora Bubonia.* "As for his brother, Lord Peter, the tokens were +evident on him -- blotches and scabs. His brother Martin, though he +was not quite so bad, had some nocturnal pains, which his friends +pretended were only scorbutical; but he was sure it proceeded from a +worse cause." By such malicious insinuations he had possessed the +lady that he was the only man in the world of a sound, pure, and +untainted constitution, though there were some that stuck not to say +that Signiora Bubonia and Jack railed at one another only the better +to hide an intrigue, and that Jack had been found with Signiora +under his cloak, carrying her home on a dark stormy night. + +* The Woman of Babylon, or the Pope. + +Jack was a prodigious ogler; he would ogle you the outside of his +eye inward, and the white upward. + +Jack gave himself out for a man of a great estate in the Fortunate +Islands, of which the sole property was vested in his person. By +this trick he cheated abundance of poor people of small sums, +pretending to make over plantations in the said islands; but when +the poor wretches came there with Jack's grant, they were beat, +mocked, and turned out of doors. + +I told you that Peg was whimsical, and loved anything that was +particular. In that way Jack was her man, for he neither thought, +spoke, dressed, nor acted like other mortals. He was for your bold +strokes. He railed at fops, though he was himself the most affected +in the world; instead of the common fashion, he would visit his +mistress in a mourning-cloak, band, short cuffs, and a peaked beard. +He invented a way of coming into a room backwards, which he said +showed more humility and less affectation. Where other people +stood, he sat; where they sat, he stood; when he went to Court, he +used to kick away the state, and sit down by his prince cheek by +jowl. "Confound these states," says he, "they are a modern +invention." When he spoke to his prince, he always turned his back +upon him. If he was advised to fast for his health, he would eat +roast beef; if he was allowed a more plentiful diet, then he would +be sure that day to live upon water-gruel; he would cry at a +wedding, laugh and make jests at a funeral. + +He was no less singular in his opinions. You would have burst your +sides to hear him talk of politics. "All government," says he, "is +founded upon the right distribution of punishments: decent +executions keep the world in awe; for that reason, the majority of +mankind ought to be hanged every year. For example, I suppose the +magistrate ought to pass an irreversible sentence upon all blue-eyed +children from the cradle; but that there may be some show of justice +in this proceeding, these children ought to be trained up by +masters, appointed for that purpose, to all sorts of villany, that +they may deserve their fate, and the execution of them may serve as +an object of terror to the rest of mankind."* As to the giving of +pardons, he had this singular method:** that when these wretches +had the rope about their necks, it should be inquired who believed +they should be hanged, and who not? The first were to be pardoned, +the last hanged outright. Such as were once pardoned were never to +be hanged afterwards for any crime whatsoever. He had such skill in +physiognomy, that he would pronounce peremptorily upon a man's face. +"That fellow," says he, "do what he will, can't avoid hanging; he +has a hanging look." By the same art he would prognosticate a +principality to a scoundrel. + +* Absolute predestination and reprobation. +** Saving Faith: a belief that one shall certainly be saved. + +He was no less particular in the choice of his studies; they were +generally bent towards exploded chimeras*--the perpetuum mobile, the +circular shot, philosopher's stone, silent gunpowder, making chains +for fleas, nets for flies, and instruments to unravel cobwebs and +split hairs. + +* The learning of the Presbyterians. + +Thus, I think, I have given a distinct account of the methods he +practised upon Peg. Her brother would now and then ask her, "What +dost thou see in that pragmatical coxcomb to make thee so in love +with him? He is a fit match for a tailor's or a shoemaker's +daughter, but not for you that are a gentlewoman?" "Fancy is free," +quoth Peg; "I'll take my own way, do you take yours. I do not care +for your flaunting beaus, that gang with their breasts open, and +their sarks over their waistcoats, that accost me with set speeches +out of Sidney's 'Arcadia' or the 'Academy of Compliments.' Jack is +a sober, grave young man; though he has none of your studied +harangues, his meaning is sincere. He has a great regard to his +father's will, and he that shows himself a good son will make a good +husband. Besides, I know he has the original deed of conveyance to +the Fortunate Islands; the others are counterfeits." There is +nothing so obstinate as a young lady in her amours; the more you +cross her, the worse she is. + + + +CHAPTER IV. How the relations reconciled John and his sister Peg, +and what return Peg made to John's message.* + +* The Treaty of Union. Reason of it: the Succession not being +settled in Scotland. Fears for the Presbyterian Church Government, +and of being burdened with the English National Debts. + +John Bull, otherwise a good-natured man, was very hard-hearted to +his sister Peg, chiefly from an aversion he had conceived in his +infancy. While he flourished, kept a warm house, and drove a +plentiful trade, poor Peg was forced to go hawking and peddling +about the streets selling knives, scissors, and shoe-buckles; now +and then carried a basket of fish to the market; sewed, spun, and +knit for a livelihood, till her fingers' ends were sore; and when +she could not get bread for her family, she was forced to hire them +out at journey-work to her neighbours. Yet in these her poor +circumstances she still preserved the air and mien of a gentlewoman- +-a certain decent pride that extorted respect from the haughtiest of +her neighbours. When she came in to any full assembly, she would +not yield the pas to the best of them. If one asked her, "Are not +you related to John Bull?" "Yes," says she, "he has the honour to +be my brother." So Peg's affairs went till all the relations cried +out shame upon John for his barbarous usage of his own flesh and +blood; that it was an easy matter for him to put her in a creditable +way of living, not only without hurt, but with advantage to himself, +seeing she was an industrious person, and might be serviceable to +him in his way of business. "Hang her, jade," quoth John, "I can't +endure her as long as she keeps that rascal Jack's company." They +told him the way to reclaim her was to take her into his house; that +by conversation the childish humours of their younger days might be +worn out. These arguments were enforced by a certain incident. It +happened that John was at that time about making his will* and +entailing his estate, the very same in which Nic. Frog is named +executor. Now, his sister Peg's name being in the entail, he could +not make a thorough settlement without her consent. There was, +indeed, a malicious story went about as if John's last wife had +fallen in love with Jack as he was eating custard on horseback;** +that she persuaded John to take his sister into the house the better +to drive on the intrigue with Jack, concluding he would follow his +mistress Peg. All I can infer from this story is that when one has +got a bad character in the world people will report and believe +anything of them, true or false. But to return to my story. When +Peg received John's message she huffed and stormed: "My brother +John," quoth she, "is grown wondrous kind-hearted all of a sudden, +but I meikle doubt whether it be not mair for their own conveniency +than for my good; he draws up his writs and his deeds, forsooth, and +I must set my hand to them, unsight, unseen. I like the young man +he has settled upon well enough, but I think I ought to have a +valuable consideration for my consent. He wants my poor little farm +because it makes a nook in his park-wall. Ye may e'en tell him he +has mair than he makes good use of; he gangs up and down drinking, +roaring, and quarrelling, through all the country markets, making +foolish bargains in his cups, which he repents when he is sober; +like a thriftless wretch, spending the goods and gear that his +forefathers won with the sweat of their brows: light come, light +go, he cares not a farthing. But why should I stand surety for his +contracts? The little I have is free, and I can call it my awn-- +hame's hame, let it be never so hamely. I ken him well enough, he +could never abide me, and when he has his ends he'll e'en use me as +he did before. I'm sure I shall be treated like a poor drudge--I +shall be set to tend the bairns, darn the hose, and mend the linen. +Then there's no living with that old carline his mother; she rails +at Jack, and Jack's an honester man than any of her kin: I shall be +plagued with her spells and her Paternosters, and silly old world +ceremonies; I mun never pare my nails on a Friday, nor begin a +journey on Childermas Day; and I mun stand beeking and binging as I +gang out and into the hall. Tell him he may e'en gang his get; I'll +have nothing to do with him; I'll stay like the poor country mouse, +in my awn habitation." So Peg talked; but for all that, by the +interposition of good friends, and by many a bonny thing that was +sent, and many more that were promised Peg, the matter was +concluded, and Peg taken into the house upon certain articles:*** +one of which was that she might have the freedom of Jack's +conversation, and might take him for better and for worse if she +pleased: provided always he did not come into the house at +unseasonable hours and disturb the rest of the old woman, John's +mother. + +* The Act of Succession. +** A Presbyterian Lord Mayor. +*** The Act of Toleration. + + + +CHAPTER V. Of some Quarrels that happened after Peg was taken into +the Family.* + +*Quarrels about some of the Articles of Union, particularly the +peerage. + +It is an old observation that the quarrels of relations are harder +to reconcile than any other; injuries from friends fret and gall +more, and the memory of them is not so easily obliterated. This is +cunningly represented by one of your old sages called Aesop, in the +story of the bird that was grieved extremely at being wounded with +an arrow feathered with his own wing; as also of the oak that let +many a heavy groan when he was cleft with a wedge of his own timber. + +There was no man in the world less subject to rancour than John +Bull, considering how often his good nature has been abused; yet I +don't know but he was too apt to hearken to tattling people that +carry tales between him and his sister Peg, on purpose to sow +jealousies and set them together by the ears. They say that there +were some hardships put upon Peg which had been better let alone; +but it was the business of good people to restrain the injuries on +one side and moderate the resentments on the other--a good friend +acts both parts, the one without the other will not do. + +The purchase-money of Peg's farm was ill paid;* then Peg loved a +little good liquor, and the servants shut up the wine-cellar; but +for that Peg found a trick, for she made a false key.** Peg's +servants complained that they were debarred from all manner of +business, and never suffered to touch the least thing within the +house; if they offered to come into the warehouse, then straight +went the yard slap over their noddle; if they ventured into the +counting-room a fellow would throw an ink-bottle at their head; if +they came into the best apartment to set anything there in order, +they were saluted with a broom; if they meddled with anything in the +kitchen it was odds but the cook laid them over the pate with a +ladle; one that would have got into the stables was met by two +rascals, who fell to work with him with a brush and a curry-comb; +some climbing up into the coachbox, were told that one of their +companions had been there before that could not drive, then slap +went the long whip about their ears. + +* The equivalent not paid. +** Run wine. + +On the other hand, it was complained that Peg's servants were always +asking for drink-money; that they had more than their share of the +Christmas-box.* To say the truth, Peg's lads bustled pretty hard +for that, for when they were endeavouring to lock it up they got in +their great fists and pulled out handfuls of halfcrowns, shillings, +and sixpences. Others in the scramble picked up guineas and +broad-pieces. But there happened a worse thing than all this: it +was complained that Peg's servants had great stomachs, and brought +so many of their friends and acquaintance to the table that John's +family was like to be eaten out of house and home. Instead of +regulating this matter as it ought to be, Peg's young men were +thrust away from the table; then there was the devil and all to do-- +spoons, plates, and dishes flew about the room like mad, and Sir +Roger, who was now Majordomo, had enough to do to quiet them. Peg +said this was contrary to agreement, whereby she was in all things +to be treated like a child of the family. Then she called upon +those that had made her such fair promises, and undertook for her +brother John's good behaviour; but, alas! to her cost she found that +they were the first and readiest to do her the injury. John at last +agreed to this regulation: that Peg's footmen might sit with his +book-keeper, journeymen, and apprentices, and Peg's better sort of +servants might sit with his footmen if they pleased.** + +* Endeavoured to get their share of places. +** Articles of Union, whereby they could make a Scot's commoner, but +not a lord a peer. + +Then they began to order plum-porridge and minced pies for Peg's +dinner. Peg told them she had an aversion to that sort of food; +that upon forcing down a mess of it some years ago it threw her into +a fit till she brought it up again. Some alleged it was nothing but +humour, that the same mess should be served up again for supper, and +breakfast next morning; others would have made use of a horn, but +the wiser sort bid let her alone, and she might take to it of her +own accord. + + + +CHAPTER VI. The conversation between John Bull and his wife.* + +* The history of the Partition Treaty; suspicions at that time that +the French King intended to take the whole, and that he revealed the +secret to the Court of Spain. + + +MRS. BULL.--Though our affairs, honey, are in a bad condition, I +have a better opinion of them since you seemed to be convinced of +the ill course you have been in, and are resolved to submit to +proper remedies. But when I consider your immense debts, your +foolish bargains, and the general disorder of your business, I have +a curiosity to know what fate or chance has brought you into this +condition. + +JOHN BULL.--I wish you would talk of some other subject, the +thoughts of it makes me mad; our family must have their run. + +MRS. BULL.--But such a strange thing as this never happened to any +of your family before: they have had lawsuits, but, though they +spent the income, they never mortgaged the stock. Sure, you must +have some of the Norman or the Norfolk blood in you. Prithee, give +me some account of these matters. + +JOHN BULL.--Who could help it? There lives not such a fellow by +bread as that old Lewis Baboon: he is the most cheating, +contentious rogue upon the face of the earth. You must know, one +day, as Nic. Frog and I were over a bottle making up an old quarrel, +the old fellow would needs have us drink a bottle of his champagne, +and so one after another, till my friend Nic. and I, not being used +to such heady stuff, got very drunk. Lewis all the while, either by +the strength of his brain or flinching his glass, kept himself sober +as a judge. "My worthy friends," quoth Lewis, "henceforth let us +live neighbourly; I am as peaceable and quiet as a lamb of my own +temper, but it has been my misfortune to live among quarrelsome +neighbours. There is but one thing can make us fall out, and that +is the inheritance of Lord Strutt's estate: I am content, for +peace' sake, to waive my right, and submit to any expedient to +prevent a lawsuit; I think an equal division* will be the fairest +way." "Well moved, Old Lewis," quoth Frog, "and I hope my friend +John here will not be refractory." At the same time he clapped me +on the back, and slabbered me all over from cheek to cheek with his +great tongue. "Do as you please, gentlemen," quoth I, "'tis all one +to John Bull." We agreed to part that night, and next morning to +meet at the corner of Lord Strutt's park wall, with our surveying +instruments, which accordingly we did. Old Lewis carried a chain +and a semicircle; Nic., paper, rulers, and a lead pencil; and I +followed at some distance with a long pole. We began first with +surveying the meadow grounds, afterwards we measured the cornfields, +close by close; then we proceeded to the woodlands, the copper and +tin mines.** All this while Nic. laid down everything exactly upon +paper, calculated the acres and roods to a great nicety. When we +had finished the land, we were going to break into the house and +gardens, to take an inventory of his plate, pictures, and other +furniture. + +* The Partition Treaty. +** The West Indies. + +MRS. BULL.--What said Lord Strutt to all this? + +JOHN BULL.--As we had almost finished our concern, we were accosted +by some of Lord Strutt's servants. "Heyday! what's here? what a +devil's the meaning of all these trangrams and gimcracks, gentlemen? +What in the name of wonder, are you going about, jumping over my +master's hedges, and running your lines cross his grounds? If you +are at any field pastime, you might have asked leave: my master is +a civil well-bred person as any is." + +MRS. BULL.--What could you answer to this? + +JOHN BULL.--Why, truly, my neighbour Frog and I were still hot- +headed; we told him his master was an old doting puppy, that minded +nothing of his own business; that we were surveying his estate, and +settling it for him, since he would not do it himself. Upon this +there happened a quarrel, but we being stronger than they, sent them +away with a flea in their ear. They went home and told their +master. "My lord," say they, "there are three odd sort of fellows +going about your grounds with the strangest machines that ever we +beheld in our life: I suppose they are going to rob your orchard, +fell your trees, or drive away your cattle. They told us strange +things of settling your estate--one is a lusty old fellow in a black +wig, with a black beard, without teeth; there's another, thick squat +fellow, in trunk hose; the third is a little, long-nosed, thin man +(I was then lean, being just come out of a fit of sickness)--I +suppose it is fit to send after them, lest they carry something +away?" + +MRS. BULL.--I fancy this put the old fellow in a rare tweague. + +JOHN BULL.--Weak as he was, he called for his long Toledo, swore and +bounced about the room: "'Sdeath! what am I come to, to be +affronted so by my tradesmen? I know the rascals: my barber, +clothier, and linen-draper dispose of my estate! Bring hither my +blunderbuss; I'll warrant ye you shall see daylight through them. +Scoundrels! dogs! the scum of the earth! Frog, that was my father's +kitchen-boy, he pretend to meddle with my estate--with my will! Ah, +poor Strutt! what are thou come to at last? Thou hast lived too +long in the world, to see thy age and infirmity so despised! How +will the ghosts of my noble ancestors receive these tidings?--they +cannot, they must not sleep quietly in their graves." In short, the +old gentleman was carried off in a fainting fit, and after bleeding +in both arms hardly recovered. + +MRS. BULL.--Really this was a very extraordinary way of proceeding! +I long to hear the rest of it. + +JOHN BULL.--After we had come back to the tavern, and taken t'other +bottle of champagne, we quarrelled a little about the division of +the estate. Lewis hauled and pulled the map on one side and Frog +and I on t'other, till we had like to have tore the parchment to +pieces. At last Lewis pulled out a pair of great tailor's shears +and clipt a corner for himself, which he said was a manor that lay +convenient for him, and left Frog and me the rest to dispose of as +we pleased. We were overjoyed to think Lewis was contented with so +little, not smelling what was at the bottom of the plot. There +happened, indeed, an incident that gave us some disturbance. A +cunning fellow, one of my servants, two days after, peeping through +the keyhole, observed that old Lewis had stole away our part of the +map, and saw him fiddling and turning the map from one corner to the +other, trying to join the two pieces together again. He was +muttering something to himself, which he did not well hear, only +these words, "'Tis great pity! 'tis great pity!" My servant added +that he believed this had some ill meaning. I told him he was a +coxcomb, always pretending to be wiser than his companions. Lewis +and I are good friends, he's an honest fellow, and I daresay will +stand to his bargain. The sequel of the story proved this fellow's +suspicion to be too well grounded; for Lewis revealed our whole +secret to the deceased Lord Strutt, who in reward for his treachery, +and revenge to Frog and me, settled his whole estate upon the +present Philip Baboon. Then we understood what he meant by piecing +the map together. + +MRS. BULL.--And were you surprised at this? Had not Lord Strutt +reason to be angry? Would you have been contented to have been so +used yourself? + +JOHN BULL.--Why, truly, wife, it was not easily reconciled to the +common methods; but then it was the fashion to do such things. I +have read of your golden age, your silver age, etc.; one might +justly call this the age of the lawyers. There was hardly a man of +substance in all the country but had a counterfeit that pretended to +his estate.* As the philosophers say that there is a duplicate of +every terrestrial animal at sea, so it was in this age of the +lawyers: there were at least two of everything; nay, o' my +conscience, I think there were three Esquire Hackums** at one time. +In short, it was usual for a parcel of fellows to meet and dispose +of the whole estates in the country. "This lies convenient for me, +Tom. Thou wouldst do more good with that, Dick, than the old fellow +that has it." So to law they went with the true owners: the +lawyers got well by it; everybody else was undone. It was a common +thing for an honest man when he came home at night to find another +fellow domineering in his family, hectoring his servants, and +calling for supper. In every house you might observe two Sosias +quarrelling who was master. For my own part, I am still afraid of +the same treatment: that I should find somebody behind my counter +selling my broad-cloth. + +* Several Pretenders at that time. +** Kings of England. + +MRS. BULL.--There is a sort of fellows they call banterers and +bamboozlers that play such tricks, but it seems these fellows were +in earnest. + +JOHN BULL.--I begin to think that justice is a better rule than +conveniency, for all some people make so slight on it. + + + +CHAPTER VII. Of the hard shifts Mrs. Bull was put to preserve the +Manor of Bullock's Hatch, with Sir Roger's method to keep off +importunate duns.* + +* Some attempts to destroy the public credit at that time. Manners +of the Earl of Oxford. + +As John Bull and his wife were talking together they were surprised +with a sudden knocking at the door. "Those wicked scriveners and +lawyers, no doubt," quoth John; and so it was, some asking for the +money he owed, and others warning to prepare for the approaching +term. "What a cursed life do I lead!" quoth John; "debt is like +deadly sin. For God's sake, Sir Roger, get me rid of the fellows." +"I'll warrant you," quoth Sir Roger; "leave them to me." And, +indeed, it was pleasant enough to observe Sir Roger's method with +these importunate duns. His sincere friendship for John Bull made +him submit to many things for his service which he would have +scorned to have done for himself. Sometimes he would stand at the +door with his long staff to keep off the duns, until John got out at +the back door. When the lawyers and tradesmen brought extravagant +bills Sir Roger used to bargain beforehand for leave to cut off a +quarter of a yard in any part of the bill he pleased; he wore a pair +of scissors in his pocket for this purpose, and would snip it off so +nicely as you cannot imagine. Like a true goldsmith he kept all +your holidays; there was not one wanting in his calendar; when ready +money was scarce, he would set them a-telling a thousand pounds in +sixpences, groats, and threepenny-pieces. It would have done your +heart good to have seen him charge through an army of lawyers, +attorneys, clerks, and tradesmen; sometimes with sword in hand, at +other times nuzzling like an eel in the mud. When a fellow stuck +like a bur, that there was no shaking him off, he used to be mighty +inquisitive about the health of his uncles and aunts in the country; +he could call them all by their names, for he knew everybody, and +could talk to them in their own way. The extremely impertinent he +would send away to see some strange sight, as the Dragon of Hockley +the Hole, or bid him call the 3Oth of next February. Now and then +you would see him in the kitchen, weighing the beef and butter, +paying ready money, that the maids might not run a tick at the +market, and the butchers, by bribing of them, sell damaged and light +meat.* Another time he would slip into the cellar and gauge the +casks. In his leisure minutes he was posting his books and +gathering in his debts. Such frugal methods were necessary where +money was so scarce and duns so numerous. All this while John kept +his credit, could show his head both at 'Change and Westminster +Hall; no man protested his bill nor refused his bond; only the +sharpers and the scriveners, the lawyers and other clerks pelted Sir +Roger as he went along. The squirters were at it with their kennel +water, for they were mad for the loss of their bubble, and that they +could not get him to mortgage the manor of Bullock's Hatch. Sir +Roger shook his ears and nuzzled along, well satisfied within +himself that he was doing a charitable work in rescuing an honest +man from the claws of harpies and bloodsuckers. Mrs. Bull did all +that an affectionate wife, and a good housewife, could do; yet the +boundaries of virtues are indivisible lines. It is impossible to +march up close to the frontiers of frugality without entering the +territories of parsimony. Your good housewives are apt to look into +the minutest things; therefore some blamed Mrs. Bull for new +heel-pieceing of her shoes, grudging a quarter of a pound of soap +and sand to scour the rooms**; but, especially, that she would not +allow her maids and apprentices the benefit of "John Bunyan," the +"London Apprentices," or the "Seven Champions," in the black +letter.*** + +* Some regulations as to the purveyance in the Queen's family. +** Too great savings in the House of Commons. +*** Restraining the liberty of the Press by Act of Parliament. + + + +CHAPTER VIII. A continuation of the conversation betwixt John Bull +and his wife. + +MRS. BULL.--It is a most sad life we lead, my dear, to be so teazed, +paying interest for old debts, and still contracting new ones. +However, I don't blame you for vindicating your honour and +chastising old Lewis. To curb the insolent, protect the oppressed, +recover one's own, and defend what one has, are good effects of the +law. The only thing I want to know is how you came to make an end +of your money before you finished your suit. + +JOHN BULL.--I was told by the learned in the law that my suit stood +upon three firm pillars: more money for more law, more law for more +money, and no composition. More money for more law was plain to a +demonstration, for who can go to law without money? and it was plain +that any man that has money may have law for it. The third was as +evident as the other two; for what composition could be made with a +rogue that never kept a word he said? + +MRS. BULL.--I think you are most likely to get out of this labyrinth +by the second door, by want of ready money to purchase this precious +commodity. But you seem not only to have bought too much of it, but +have paid too dear for what you bought, else how was it possible to +run so much in debt when at this very time the yearly income of what +is mortgaged to those usurers would discharge Hocus's bills, and +give you your bellyfull of law for all your life, without running +one sixpence in debt? You have been bred up to business; I suppose +you can cypher; I wonder you never used your pen and ink. + +JOHN BULL.--Now you urge me too far; prithee, dear wife, hold thy +tongue. Suppose a young heir, heedless, raw, and inexperienced, +full of spirit and vigour, with a favourite passion, in the hands of +money scriveners. Such fellows are like your wire-drawing mills: +if they get hold of a man's finger they will pull in his whole body +at last, till they squeeze the heart, blood, and guts out of him. +When I wanted money, half a dozen of these fellows were always +waiting in my ante-chamber with their securities ready drawn.* I +was tempted with the ready, some farm or other went to pot. I +received with one hand, and paid it away with the other to lawyers +that, like so many hell hounds, were ready to devour me. Then the +rogues would plead poverty and scarcity of money, which always ended +in receiving ninety for the hundred. After they had got possession +of my best rents they were able to supply me with my own money. +But, what was worse, when I looked into the securities there was no +clause of redemption. + +* Methods of preying upon the necessities of the Government. + +MRS. BULL.--No clause of redemption, say you? That's hard. + +JOHN BULL.--No great matter. For I cannot pay them. They had got a +worse trick than that. The same man bought and sold to himself, +paid the money, and gave the acquittance; the same man was butcher +and grazier, brewer and butler, cook and poulterer. There is +something still worse than all this. There came twenty bills upon +me at once, which I had given money to discharge. I was like to be +pulled to pieces by brewer, butcher, and baker; even my herb-woman +dunned me as I went along the streets. Thanks to my friend Sir +Roger, else I must have gone to jail. When I asked the meaning of +this, I was told the money went to the lawyers. "Counsel won't +tick, sir." Hocus was urging; my book-keeper sat sotting all day, +playing at Put and All-fours. In short, by griping usurers, +devouring lawyers, and negligent servants I am brought to this pass. + +MRS. BULL.--This was hard usage. But methinks the least reflection +might have retrieved you. + +JOHN BULL.--'Tis true; yet consider my circumstances--my honour was +engaged, and I did not know how to get out. Besides, I was for five +years often drunk, always muddled; they carried me from tavern to +tavern, to ale-houses and brandy-shops, and brought me acquainted +with such strange dogs. "There goes the prettiest fellow in the +world," says one, "for managing a jury: make him yours. There's +another can pick you up witnesses. Serjeant such-a-one has a silver +tongue at the bar."* I believe, in time I should have retained +every single person within the Inns of Court. The night after a +trial I treated the lawyers, their wives, and daughters, with +fiddles, hautboys, drums, and trumpets. I was always hot-headed. +Then they placed me in the middle, the attorneys and their clerks +dancing about me, whooping and holloing, "Long live John Bull, the +glory and support of the law!" + +* Hiring still more troops. + +MRS. BULL.--Really, husband, you went through a very notable course. + +JOHN BULL.--One of the things that first alarmed me was that they +showed a spite against my poor old mother.* "Lord," quoth I, "what +makes you so jealous of a poor, old, innocent gentlewoman, that +minds only her prayers and her Practice of Piety? She never meddles +in any of your concerns." "Fob," say they, "to see a handsome, +brisk, genteel young fellow so much governed by a doting old woman! +Do you consider she keeps you out of a good jointure? She has the +best of your estate settled upon her for a rent-charge. Hang her, +old thief! turn her out of doors, seize her lands, and let her go to +law if she dares." "Soft and fair, gentlemen," quoth I; "my +mother's my mother, our family are not of an unnatural temper. +Though I don't take all her advice, I won't seize her jointure; long +may she enjoy it, good woman; I don't grudge it her. She allows me +now and then a brace of hundreds for my lawsuit; that's pretty +fair." About this time the old gentlewoman fell ill of an odd sort +of a distemper.** + +* Railing against the Church. +** Carelessness in forms and discipline. + +It began with a coldness and numbness in her limbs, which by degrees +affected the nerves (I think the physicians call them), seized the +brain, and at last ended in a lethargy. It betrayed itself at first +in a sort of indifference and carelessness in all her actions, +coldness to her best friends, and an aversion to stir or go about +the common offices of life. She, that was the cleanliest creature +in the world, never shrank now if you set a close-stool under her +nose. She that would sometimes rattle off her servants pretty +sharply, now if she saw them drink, or heard them talk profanely, +never took any notice of it. Instead of her usual charities to +deserving persons, she threw away her money upon roaring, swearing +bullies and beggars, that went about the streets.* "What is the +matter with the old gentlewoman?" said everybody; "she never used to +do in this manner." At last the distemper grew more violent, and +threw her downright into raving fits, in which she shrieked out so +loud that she disturbed the whole neighbourhood.** In her fits she +called upon one Sir William.*** "Oh! Sir William, thou hast +betrayed me, killed me, stabbed me! See, see! Clum with his bloody +knife! Seize him! seize him! stop him! Behold the fury with her +hissing snakes! Where's my son John? Is he well, is he well? Poor +man! I pity him!" And abundance more of such strange stuff, that +nobody could make anything of. + +* Disposing of some preferments to libertine and unprincipled +persons. +** The too violent clamour about the danger of the Church. +*** Sir William, a cant name of Sir Humphry's for Lord Treasurer +Godolphin. + +I knew little of the matter; for when I inquired about her health, +the answer was that she was in a good moderate way. Physicians were +sent for in haste. Sir Roger, with great difficulty, brought +Ratcliff; Garth came upon the first message. There were several +others called in, but, as usual upon such occasions, they differed +strangely at the consultation. At last they divided into two +parties; one sided with Garth, the other with Ratcliff.* Dr. Garth +said, "This case seems to me to be plainly hysterical; the old woman +is whimsical; it is a common thing for your old women to be so; I'll +pawn my life, blisters, with the steel diet, will recover her." +Others suggested strong purging and letting of blood, because she +was plethoric. Some went so far as to say the old woman was mad, +and nothing would be better than a little corporal correction. +Ratcliff said, "Gentlemen, you are mistaken in this case; it is +plainly an acute distemper, and she cannot hold out three days +unless she is supported with strong cordials." I came into the room +with a good deal of concern, and asked them what they thought of my +mother? "In no manner of danger, I vow to God," quoth Garth; "the +old woman is hysterical, fanciful, sir, I vow to God." "I tell you, +sir," says Ratcliff, "she cannot live three days to an end, unless +there is some very effectual course taken with her; she has a +malignant fever." Then "fool," "puppy," and "blockhead," were the +best words they gave. I could hardly restrain them from throwing +the ink-bottles at one another's heads. I forgot to tell you that +one party of the physicians desired I would take my sister Peg into +the house to nurse her, but the old gentlewoman would not hear of +that. At last one physician asked if the lady had ever been used to +take laudanum? Her maid answered, not that she knew; but, indeed, +there was a High German liveryman of hers, one Van Ptschirnsooker,** +that gave her a sort of a quack powder. The physician desired to +see it. "Nay," says he, "there is opium in this, I am sure." + +* Garth, the Low Church party. Ratcliff, High Church party. +** Van Ptschirnsooker, a bishop at that time, a great dealer in +politics and physic. + +MRS. BULL.--I hope you examined a little into this matter? + +JOHN BULL.--I did, indeed, and discovered a great mystery of +iniquity. The witnesses made oath that they had heard some of the +liverymen* frequently railing at their mistress. They said she was +a troublesome fiddle-faddle old woman, and so ceremonious that there +was no bearing of her. They were so plagued with bowing and +cringing as they went in and out of the room that their backs ached. +She used to scold at one for his dirty shoes, at another for his +greasy hair and not combing his head. Then she was so passionate +and fiery in her temper that there was no living with her. She +wanted something to sweeten her blood. That they never had a quiet +night's rest for getting up in the morning to early Sacraments. +They wished they could find some way or another to keep the old +woman quiet in her bed. Such discourses were often overheard among +the liverymen, while the said Van Ptschirnsooker had undertook this +matter. A maid made affidavit "That she had seen the said Van +Ptschirnsooker, one of the liverymen, frequently making up of +medicines and administering them to all the neighbours; that she saw +him one morning make up the powder which her mistress took; that she +had the curiosity to ask him whence he had the ingredients. 'They +come,' says he, 'from several parts of de world. Dis I have from +Geneva, dat from Rome, this white powder from Amsterdam, and the red +from Edinburgh, but the chief ingredient of all comes from Turkey." +It was likewise proved that the said Van Ptschirnsooker had been +frequently seen at the "Rose" with Jack, who was known to bear an +inveterate spite to his mistress. That he brought a certain powder +to his mistress which the examinant believes to be the same, and +spoke the following words:--"Madam, here is grand secret van de +world, my sweetening powder; it does temperate de humour, dispel the +windt, and cure de vapour; it lulleth and quieteth the animal +spirits, procuring rest and pleasant dreams. It is de infallible +receipt for de scurvy, all heats in de bloodt, and breaking out upon +de skin. It is de true bloodstancher, stopping all fluxes of de +blood. If you do take dis, you will never ail anyding; it will cure +you of all diseases." And abundance more to this purpose, which the +examinant does not remember. + +* The clergy. + +John Bull was interrupted in his story by a porter, that brought him +a letter from Nicholas Frog, which is as follows. + + + +CHAPTER IX. + +A Copy* of Nic. Frog's Letter to John Bull. + +[John Bull reads.] + +FRIEND JOHN,--What schellum is it that makes thee jealous of thy old +friend Nicholas? Hast thou forgot how some years ago he took thee +out of the sponging-house?** ['Tis true, my friend Nic. did so, and +I thank him; but he made me pay a swinging reckoning.] Thou +beginnest now to repent thy bargain that thou wast so fond of; and, +if thou durst, would forswear thy own hand and seal. Thou sayest +that thou hast purchased me too great an estate already, when, at +the same time, thou knowest I have only a mortgage. 'Tis true I +have possession, and the tenants own me for master; but has not +Esquire South the equity of redemption? [No doubt, and will redeem +it very speedily; poor Nic. has only possession--eleven points of +the law.] As for the turnpikes*** I have set up, they are for other +people, not for my friend John. I have ordered my servant +constantly to attend, to let thy carriages through without paying +anything; only I hope thou wilt not come too heavy laden to spoil my +ways. Certainly I have just cause of offence against thee, my +friend, for supposing it possible that thou and I should ever +quarrel. What houndsfoot is it that puts these whims in thy head? +Ten thousand last of devils haul me, if I don't love thee as I love +my life. [No question, as the Devil loves holy-water!] Does not +thy own hand and seal oblige thee to purchase for me till I say it +is enough? Are not these words plain? I say it is not enough. +Dost thou think thy friend Nicholas Frog made a child's bargain? +Mark the words of thy contract, tota pecunia (with all thy money). +[Very well! I have purchased with my own money, my children's and my +grandchildren's money--is not that enough? Well, tota pecunia let +it be, for at present I have none at all; he would not have me +purchase with other people's money, sure? Since tota pecunia is the +bargain, I think it is plain--no more money, no more purchase.] And +whatever the world may say, Nicholas Frog is but a poor man in +comparison of the rich, the opulent John Bull, great clothier of the +world. I have had many losses, six of my best sheep were drowned, +and the water has come into my cellar, and spoiled a pipe of my best +brandy. It would be a more friendly act in thee to carry a brief +about the country to repair the losses of thy poor friend. Is it +not evident to all the world that I am still hemmed in by Lewis +Baboon? Is he not just upon my borders? [And so he will be if I +purchase a thousand acres more, unless he gets somebody betwixt +them.] I tell thee, friend John, thou hast flatterers that persuade +thee that thou art a man of business; do not believe them. If thou +wouldst still leave thy affairs in my hands, thou shouldst see how +handsomely I would deal by thee. That ever thou shouldst be dazzled +with the enchanted islands and mountains of gold that old Lewis +promises thee! 'Dswounds! why dost thou not lay out thy money to +purchase a place at court of honest Israel? I tell thee, thou must +not so much as think of a composition. [Not think of a composition; +that's hard indeed; I can't help thinking of it, if I would.] Thou +complainest of want of money--let thy wife and daughters burn the +gold lace of their petticoats; sell thy fat cattle; retrench but a +sirloin of beef and a peck-loaf in a week from thy gormandising. +[Retrench my beef--a dog! Retrench my beef; then it is plain the +rascal has an ill design upon me--he would starve me.] Mortgage thy +manor of Bullock's Hatch, or pawn thy crop for ten years. [A rogue! +part with my country-seat, my patrimony, all that I have left in the +world; I'll see him hanged first.] Why hast thou changed thy +attorney? Can any man manage thy cause better for thee? [Very +pleasant! because a man has a good attorney, he must never make an +end of his law-suit.] Ah, John! John! I wish thou knewest thine own +mind. Thou art as fickle as the wind. I tell thee, thou hadst +better let this composition alone, or leave it to thy + Loving friend, + Nic. FROG. + +* A letter from the States-General. +** Alluding to the Rebellion. +*** The Dutch prohibition of trade. + + + +CHAPTER X. Of some extraordinary Things* that passed at the +"Salutation" Tavern, in the Conference between Bull, Frog, Esquire +South, and Lewis Baboon. + +* The Treaty of Utrecht: the difficulty to get them to meet. When +met, the Dutch would not speak their sentiments, nor the French +deliver in their proposals. The House of Austria talked very high. + +Frog had given his word that he would meet the above-mentioned +company at the "Salutation," to talk of this agreement. Though he +durst not directly break his appointment, he made many a shuffling +excuse: one time he pretended to be seized with the gout in his +right knee; then he got a great cold, that had struck him deaf of +one ear; afterwards two of his coach-horses fell sick, and he durst +not go by water, for fear of catching an ague. John would take no +excuse, but hurried him away. "Come, Nic.," says he, "let's go and +hear at least what this old fellow has to propose; I hope there's no +hurt in that." "Be it so," quoth Nic.; "but if I catch any harm, +woe be to you; my wife and children will curse you as long as they +live." When they were come to the "Salutation," John concluded all +was sure then, and that he should be troubled no more with law +affairs. He thought everybody as plain and sincere as he was. +"Well, neighbours," quoth he, "let's now make an end of all matters, +and live peaceably together for the time to come. If everybody is +as well inclined as I, we shall quickly come to the upshot of our +affair." And so, pointing to Frog to say something, to the great +surprise of all the company, Frog was seized with a dead palsy in +the tongue. John began to ask him some plain questions, and whooped +and hallooed in his ear: "Let's come to the point. Nic., who +wouldst thou have to be Lord Strutt? Wouldst thou have Philip +Baboon?" Nic. shook his head, and said nothing. "Wilt thou, then, +have Esquire South to be Lord Strutt?" Nic. shook his head a second +time. "Then who the devil wilt thou have? Say something or +another." Nic. opened his mouth and pointed to his tongue, and +cried, "A, a, a, a!" which was as much as to say he could not speak. + +JOHN BULL.--"Shall I serve Philip Baboon with broadcloth, and accept +of the composition that he offers, with the liberty of his parks and +fishponds?" Then Nic. roared like a bull, "O, o, o, o!" + +JOHN BULL.--"If thou wilt not let me have them, wilt thou take them +thyself?" Then Nic. grinned, cackled, and laughed, till he was +like to kill himself, and seemed to be so pleased that he fell a +frisking and dancing about the room. + +JOHN BULL.--"Shall I leave all this matter to thy management, Nic., +and go about my business?" Then Nic. got up a glass and drank to +John, shaking him by the hand till he had like to have shook his +shoulder out of joint. + +JOHN BULL.--"I understand thee, Nic.; but I shall make thee speak +before I go." Then Nic. put his finger in his cheek and made it cry +"buck!" which was as much as to say, "I care not a farthing for +thee." + +JOHN BULL.--"I have done, Nic.; if thou wilt not speak, I'll make my +own terms with old Lewis here." + +John, perceiving that Frog would not speak, turns to old Lewis: +"Since we cannot make this obstinate fellow speak, Lewis, pray +condescend a little to his humour, and set down thy meaning upon +paper, that he may answer it in another scrap." + +"I am infinitely sorry," quoth Lewis, "that it happens so +unfortunately; for, playing a little at cudgels t'other day, a +fellow has given me such a rap over the right arm that I am quite +lame. I have lost the use of my forefinger and my thumb, so that I +cannot hold my pen." + +JOHN BULL.--"That's all one; let me write for you." + +LEWIS.--"But I have a misfortune that I cannot read anybody's hand +but my own." + +JOHN BULL.--"Try what you can do with your left hand." + +LEWIS.--"That's impossible; it will make such a scrawl that it will +not be legible." + +As they were talking of this matter, in came Esquire South, all +dressed up in feathers and ribbons, stark staring mad, brandishing +his sword, as if he would have cut off their heads, crying "Room, +room, boys, for the grand esquire of the world! the flower of +esquires! What! covered in my presence? I'll crush your souls, and +crack you like lice!" With that he had like to have struck John +Bull's hat into the fire; but John, who was pretty strong-fisted, +gave him such a squeeze as made his eyes water. He went on still in +his mad pranks: "When I am lord of the universe, the sun shall +prostrate and adore me! Thou, Frog, shalt be my bailiff; Lewis my +tailor; and thou, John Bull, shalt be my fool!" + +All this while Frog laughed in his sleeve, gave the esquire the +other noggan of brandy, and clapped him on the back, which made him +ten times madder. + +Poor John stood in amaze, talking thus to himself: "Well, John, +thou art got into rare company! One has a dumb devil, the other a +mad devil, and the third a spirit of infirmity. An honest man has a +fine time on it amongst such rogues. What art thou asking of them +after all? Some mighty boon one would think! only to sit quietly at +thy own fireside. What have I to do with such fellows? John Bull, +after all his losses and crosses, can live better without them than +they can without him. Would I lived a thousand leagues off them! +but the devil's in it; John Bull is in, and John Bull must get out +as well as he can." + +As he was talking to himself, he observed Frog and old Lewis edging +towards one another to whisper,* so that John was forced to sit with +his arms akimbo, to keep them asunder. + +* Some attempts of secret negotiation between the French and the +Dutch. + +Some people advised John to bleed Frog under the tongue, or take +away his bread-and-butter, which would certainly make him speak; to +give Esquire South hellebore; as for Lewis, some were for emollient +poultices, others for opening his arm with an incision knife. + + + +CHAPTER XI.* The apprehending, examination, and imprisonment of +Jack for suspicion of poisoning. + +* The four following chapters contain the history of passing the +Bill against Occasional Conformity, and of the Whigs agreeing to it. + +The attentive reader cannot have forgot that the story of Van +Ptschirnsooker's powder was interrupted by a message from Frog. I +have a natural compassion for curiosity, being much troubled with +the distemper myself; therefore to gratify that uneasy itching +sensation in my reader, I have procured the following account of +that matter. + +Van Ptschirnsooker came off (as rogues usually do upon such +occasions) by peaching his partner; and being extremely forward to +bring him to the gallows, Jack* was accused as the contriver of all +the roguery. And, indeed, it happened unfortunately for the poor +fellow, that he was known to bear a most inveterate spite against +the old gentlewoman; and, consequently, that never any ill accident +happened to her but he was suspected to be at the bottom of it. If +she pricked her finger, Jack, to be sure, laid the pin in the way; +if some noise in the street disturbed her rest, who could it be but +Jack in some of his nocturnal rambles? If a servant ran away, Jack +had debauched him. Every idle tittle-tattle that went about, Jack +was always suspected for the author of it. However, all was nothing +to this last affair of the temperating, moderating powder. + +* All the misfortunes of the Church charged upon the Puritan party. + +The hue and cry went after Jack to apprehend him dead or alive, +wherever he could be found. The constables looked out for him in +all his usual haunts; but to no purpose. Where d'ye think they +found him at last? Even smoking his pipe, very quietly, at his +brother Martin's; from whence he was carried with a vast mob at his +heels, before the worshipful Mr. Justice Overdo. Several of his +neighbours made oath,* that of late, the prisoner had been observed +to lead a very dissolute life, renouncing even his usual hypocrisy +and pretences to sobriety; that he frequented taverns and +eating-houses, and had been often guilty of drunkenness and gluttony +at my Lord Mayor's table; that he had been seen in the company of +lewd women; that he had transferred his usual care of the engrossed +copy of his father's will to bank bills, orders for tallies, and +debentures:** these he now affirmed, with more literal truth, to be +meat, drink, and cloth, the philosopher's stone, and the universal +medicine;*** that he was so far from showing his customary reverence +to the will, that he kept company with those that called his father +a cheating rogue, and his will a forgery; that he not only sat +quietly and heard his father railed at, but often chimed in with the +discourse, and hugged the authors as his bosom friends;**** that +instead of asking for blows at the corners of the streets, he now +bestowed them as plentifully as he begged them before.*** In short, +that he was grown a mere rake; and had nothing left in him of old +Jack except his spite to John Bull's mother. + +* The manners of the Dissenters changed from their former +strictness. +** Dealing much in stock-jobbing. +*** "Tale of a Tub." +**** Herding with deists and atheists. + +Another witness made oath, that Jack had been overheard bragging of +a trick* he had found out to manage the "old formal jade," as he +used to call her. "Hang this numb-skull of mine," quoth he, "that I +could not light on it sooner. As long as I go in this ragged +tattered coat, I am so well known, that I am hunted away from the +old woman's door by every barking cur about the house; they bid me +defiance. There's no doing mischief as an open enemy; I must find +some way or other of getting within doors, and then I shall have +better opportunities of playing my pranks, besides the benefit of +good keeping." + +* Getting into places and Church preferments by occasional +conformity. + +Two witnesses swore* that several years ago, there came to their +mistress's door a young fellow in a tattered coat, that went by the +name of Timothy Trim, whom they did in their conscience believe to +be the very prisoner, resembling him in shape, stature, and the +features of his countenance. That the said Timothy Trim being taken +into the family, clapped their mistress's livery over his own +tattered coat; that the said Timothy was extremely officious about +their mistress's person, endeavouring by flattery and tale-bearing +to set her against the rest of the servants: nobody was so ready to +fetch anything that was wanted, to reach what was dropped. That he +used to shove and elbow his fellow-servants to get near his +mistress, especially when money was a paying or receiving--then he +was never out of the way; that he was extremely diligent about +everybody's business but his own. That the said Timothy, while he +was in the family, used to be playing roguish tricks; when his +mistress's back was turned, he would loll out his tongue, make +mouths, and laugh at her, walking behind her like Harlequin, +ridiculing her motions and gestures; but if his mistress looked +about, he put on a grave, demure countenance, as if he had been in a +fit of devotion; that he used often to trip up-stairs so smoothly +that you could not hear him tread, and put all things out of order; +that he would pinch the children and servants, when he met them in +the dark, so hard, that he left the print of his forefingers and his +thumb in black and blue, and then slink into a corner, as if nobody +had done it. Out of the same malicious design he used to lay chairs +and joint-stools in their way, that they might break their noses by +falling over them. The more young and inexperienced he used to +teach to talk saucily, and call names. During his stay in the +family there was much plate missing; being caught with a couple of +silver spoons in his pocket, with their handles wrenched off, he +said he was only going to carry them to the goldsmiths to be mended: +that the said Timothy was hated by all the honest servants, for his +ill-conditioned, splenetic tricks, but especially for his slanderous +tongue; traducing them to their mistress as drunkards and thieves: +that the said Timothy, by lying stories, used to set all the family +together by the ears, taking delight to make them fight and quarrel; +**particularly one day sitting at table, he spoke words to this +effect: "I am of opinion," quoth he, "that little short fellows, +such as we are, have better hearts, and could beat the tall fellows; +I wish it came to a fair trial; I believe these long fellows, as +sightly as they are, should find their jackets well thwacked." + +* Betraying the interests of the Church when got into preferments. +** The original of the distinction in the names of Low Churchmen and +High Churchmen. + +A parcel of tall fellows, who thought themselves affronted by the +discourse, took up the quarrel, and to it they went, the tall men +and the low men, which continues still a faction in the family, to +the great disorder of our mistress's affairs. The said Timothy +carried this frolic so far, that he proposed to his mistress that +she should entertain no servant that was above four feet seven +inches high, and for that purpose had prepared a gauge, by which +they were to be measured. The good old gentlewoman was not so +simple as to go into his projects--she began to smell a rat. "This +Trim," quoth she, "is an odd sort of a fellow; methinks he makes a +strange figure with that ragged, tattered coat appearing under his +livery; can't he go spruce and clean, like the rest of the servants? +The fellow has a roguish leer with him which I don't like by any +means; besides, he has such a twang in his discourse, and an +ungraceful way of speaking through the nose, that one can hardly +understand him; I wish the fellow be not tainted with some bad +disease." The witnesses further made oath, that the said Timothy +lay out a-nights, and went abroad often at unseasonable hours; and +it was credibly reported he did business in another family: that he +pretended to have a squeamish stomach, and could not eat at table +with the rest of the servants, though this was but a pretence to +provide some nice bit for himself; that he refused to dine upon salt +fish, only to have an opportunity to eat a calf's head (his +favourite dish) in private; that for all his tender stomach, when he +was got by himself, he could devour capons, turkeys, and sirloins of +beef, like a cormorant. + +Two other witnesses gave the following evidence: That in his +officious attendance upon his mistress, he had tried to slip a +powder into her drink, and that he was once caught endeavouring to +stifle her with a pillow as she was asleep; that he and +Ptschirnsooker were often in close conference, and that they used to +drink together at the "Rose," where it seems he was well enough +known by his true name of Jack. + +The prisoner had little to say in his defence; he endeavoured to +prove himself alibi, so that the trial turned upon this single +question, whether the said Timothy Trim and Jack were the same +person; which was proved by such plain tokens, and particularly by a +mole under the left pap, that there was no withstanding the +evidence; therefore the worshipful Mr. Justice committed him, in +order to his trial. + + + +CHAPTER XII. How Jack's friends came to visit him in prison, and +what advice they gave him. + +Jack hitherto had passed in the world for a poor, simple, +well-meaning, half-witted, crack-brained fellow. People were +strangely surprised to find him in such a roguery--that he should +disguise himself under a false name, hire himself out for a servant +to an old gentlewoman, only for an opportunity to poison her. They +said that it was more generous to profess open enmity than under a +profound dissimulation to be guilty of such a scandalous breach of +trust, and of the sacred rights of hospitality; in short, the action +was universally condemned by his best friends. They told him in +plain terms that this was come as a judgment upon him for his loose +life, his gluttony, drunkenness, and avarice; for laying aside his +father's will in an old mouldy trunk, and turning stock-jobber, +newsmonger, and busybody, meddling with other people's affairs, +shaking off his old serious friends, and keeping company with +buffoons and pickpockets, his father's sworn enemies; that he had +best throw himself upon the mercy of the court, repent, and change +his manners. To say truth, Jack heard these discourses with some +compunction; however, he resolved to try what his new acquaintance +would do for him. They sent Habakkuk Slyboots,* who delivered him +the following message, as the peremptory commands of his trusty +companions:-- + +* Habakkuk Slyboots, a certain great man who persuaded the +Dissenters to consent to the Bill against Occasional Conformity as +being for their interest. + +HABAKKUK.--Dear Jack, I am sorry for thy misfortune: matters have +not been carried on with due secrecy; however, we must make the best +of a bad bargain. Thou art in the utmost jeopardy, that's certain; +hang, draw, and quarter, are the gentlest things they talk of. +However, thy faithful friends, ever watchful for thy security, bid +me tell thee that they have one infallible expedient left to save +thy life. Thou must know we have got into some understanding with +the enemy by the means of Don Diego;* he assures us there is no +mercy for thee, and that there is only one way left to escape. It +is, indeed, somewhat out of the common road; however, be assured it +is the result of most mature deliberation. + +* A noble Tory lord. + +JACK.--Prithee tell me quickly, for my heart is sunk down in the +very bottom of my belly. + +HAB.--It is the unanimous opinion of your friends that you make as +if you hanged yourself;* they will give it out that you are quite +dead, and convey your body out of prison in a bier; and John Bull, +being busied with his lawsuit, will not inquire further into the +matter. + +* Consent to the Bill against Occasional Conformity. + +JACK.--How d'ye mean, make as if I hanged myself? + +HAB.--Nay, you must really hang yourself up in a true genuine rope, +that there may appear no trick in it, and leave the rest to your +friends. + +JACK.--Truly this is a matter of some concern, and my friends, I +hope, won't take it ill if I inquire a little into the means by +which they intend to deliver me. A rope and a noose are no jesting +matters! + +HAB.--Why so mistrustful? hast thou ever found us false to thee? I +tell thee there is one ready to cut thee down. + +JACK.--May I presume to ask who it is that is entrusted with so +important an office? + +HAB.--Is there no end of thy hows and thy whys? That's a secret. + +JACK.--A secret, perhaps, that I may be safely trusted with, for I +am not like to tell it again. I tell you plainly it is no strange +thing for a man before he hangs himself up to inquire who is to cut +him down. + +HAB.--Thou suspicious creature! if thou must needs know it, I tell +thee it is Sir Roger;* he has been in tears ever since thy +misfortune. Don Diego and we have laid it so that he is to be in +the next room, and before the rope is well about thy neck, rest +satisfied he will break in and cut thee down. Fear not, old boy; +we'll do it, I'll warrant thee. + +* It was given out that the Earl of Oxford would oppose the +occasional Bill, and so lose his credit with the Tories; and the +Dissenters did believe he would not suffer it to pass. + +JACK.--So I must hang myself up upon hopes that Sir Roger will cut +me down, and all this upon the credit of Don Diego. A fine +stratagem, indeed, to save my life, that depends upon hanging, Don +Diego, and Sir Roger! + +HAB.--I tell thee there is a mystery in all this, my friend, a piece +of profound policy; if thou knew what good this will do to the +common cause, thy heart would leap for joy. I am sure thou wouldst +not delay the experiment one moment. + +JACK.--This is to the tune of "All for the better." What's your +cause to me when I am hanged? + +HAB.--Refractory mortal! if thou wilt not trust thy friends, take +what follows. Know assuredly, before next full moon, that thou wilt +be hung up in chains, or thy quarters perching upon the most +conspicuous places of the kingdom. Nay, I don't believe they will +he contented with hanging; they talk of impaling, or breaking on the +wheel, and thou choosest that before a gentle suspending of thyself +for one minute. Hanging is not so painful a thing as thou +imaginest. I have spoken with several that have undergone it; they +all agree it is no manner of uneasiness. Be sure thou take good +notice of the symptoms; the relation will be curious. It is but a +kick or two with thy heels, and a wry mouth or so: Sir Roger will +be with thee in the twinkling of an eye. + +JACK.--But what if Sir Roger should not come; will my friends be +there to succour me? + +HAB.--Doubt it not; I will provide everything against to-morrow +morning: do thou keep thy own secret--say nothing. I tell thee it +is absolutely necessary for the common good that thou shouldst go +through this operation. + + + +CHAPTER XIII. How Jack hanged himself up by the persuasion of his +friends, who broke their words, and left his neck in the noose. + +Jack was a professed enemy to implicit faith, and yet I dare say it +was never more strongly exerted nor more basely abused than upon +this occasion. He was now, with his old friends, in the state of a +poor disbanded officer after a peace, or rather a wounded soldier +after a battle; like an old favourite of a cunning Minister after +the job is over, or a decayed beauty to a cloyed lover in quest of +new game, or like a hundred such things that one sees every day. +There were new intrigues, new views, new projects, on foot. Jack's +life was the purchase of Diego's friendship; much good may it do +them. The interest of Hocus and Sir William Crawley which was now +more at heart, made this operation upon poor Jack absolutely +necessary. You may easily guess that his rest that night was but +small, and much disturbed; however, the remaining part of his time +he did not employ (as his custom was formerly) in prayer, +meditation, or singing a double verse of a Psalm, but amused himself +with disposing of his bank stock. Many a doubt, many a qualm, +overspread his clouded imagination: "Must I then," quoth he, "hang +up my own personal, natural, individual self with these two hands! +Durus Sermo! What if I should be cut down, as my friends tell me? +There is something infamous in the very attempt; the world will +conclude I had a guilty conscience. Is it possible that good man, +Sir Roger, can have so much pity upon an unfortunate scoundrel that +has persecuted him so many years? No, it cannot be; I don't love +favours that pass through Don Diego's hands. On the other side, my +blood chills about my heart at the thought of these rogues with +their bloody hands pulling out my very entrails. Hang it, for once +I'll trust my friends." So Jack resolved; but he had done more +wisely to have put himself upon the trial of his country, and made +his defence in form; many things happen between the cup and the lip- +-witnesses might have been bribed, juries managed, or prosecution +stopped. But so it was, Jack for this time had a sufficient stock +of implicit faith, which led him to his ruin, as the sequel of the +story shows. + +And now the fatal day was come in which he was to try this hanging +experiment. His friends did not fail him at the appointed hour to +see it put in practice. Habakkuk brought him a smooth, strong, +tough rope, made of many a ply of wholesome Scandinavian hemp, +compactly twisted together, with a noose that slipped as glib as a +birdcatcher's gin. Jack shrank and grew pale at first sight of it; +he handled it, he measured it, stretched it, fixed it against the +iron bar of the window to try its strength, but no familiarity could +reconcile him to it. He found fault with the length, the thickness, +and the twist; nay, the very colour did not please him. "Will +nothing less than hanging serve?" quoth Jack. "Won't my enemies +take bail for my good behaviour? Will they accept of a fine, or be +satisfied with the pillory and imprisonment, a good round whipping, +or burning in the cheek?" + +HAB.--Nothing but your blood will appease their rage; make haste, +else we shall be discovered. There's nothing like surprising the +rogues. How they will be disappointed when they hear that thou hast +prevented their revenge and hanged thine own self. + +JACK.--That's true; but what if I should do it in effigies? Is +there never an old pope or pretender to hang up in my stead? We are +not so unlike but it may pass. + +HAB.--That can never be put upon Sir Roger. + +JACK.--Are you sure he is in the next room? Have you provided a +very sharp knife, in case of the worst? + +HAB.--Dost take me for a common liar? Be satisfied, no damage can +happen to your person; your friends will take care of that. + +JACK.--Mayn't I quilt my rope? It galls my neck strangely: +besides, I don't like this running knot. It holds too tight; I may +be stifled all of a sudden. + +HAB.--Thou hast so many ifs and ands! prithee despatch; it might +have been over before this time. + +JACK.--But now I think on't, I would fain settle some affairs, for +fear of the worst: have a little patience. + +HAB.--There's no having patience, thou art such a faintling, silly +creature. + +JACK.--O thou most detestable, abominable Passive Obedience! did I +ever imagine I should become thy votary, in so pregnant an instance? +How will my brother Martin laugh at this story, to see himself +outdone in his own calling! He has taken the doctrine, and left me +the practice. + +No sooner had he uttered these words, but, like a man of true +courage, he tied the fatal cord to the beam, fitted the noose, and +mounted upon the bottom of a tub, the inside of which he had often +graced in his prosperous days. This footstool Habakkuk kicked away, +and left poor Jack swinging like the pendulum of Paul's clock. The +fatal noose performed its office, and with most strict ligature +squeezed the blood into his face till it assumed a purple dye. +While the poor man heaved from the very bottom of his belly for +breath, Habakkuk walked with great deliberation into both the upper +and lower room, to acquaint his friends, who received the news with +great temper, and with jeers and scoffs instead of pity. "Jack has +hanged himself!" quoth they; "let us go and see how the poor rogue +swings." Then they called Sir Roger. "Sir Roger," quoth Habakkuk, +"Jack has hanged himself; make haste and cut him down." Sir Roger +turned first one ear and then the other, not understanding what he +said. + +HAB.--I tell you Jack has hanged himself up. + +SIR ROGER.--Who's hanged? + +HAB.--Jack. + +SIR ROGER.--I thought this had not been hanging day. + +HAB.--But the poor fellow has hanged himself. + +SIR ROGER.--Then let him hang. I don't wonder at it; the fellow has +been mad these twenty years. + +With this he slunk away. + +Then Jack's friends began to hunch and push one another: "Why don't +you go and cut the poor fellow down?" "Why don't you?" "And why +don't you?" "Not I," quoth one. "Not I," quoth another. "Not I," +quoth a third; "he may hang till doomsday before I relieve him!" +Nay, it is credibly reported that they were so far from succouring +their poor friend in this his dismal circumstance, that +Ptschirnsooker and several of his companions went in and pulled him +by the legs, and thumped him on the breast. Then they began to rail +at him for the very thing which they had advised and justified +before, viz., his getting into the old gentlewoman's family, and +putting on her livery. The keeper who performed the last office +coming up, found Jack swinging, with no life in him. He took down +the body gently and laid it on a bulk, and brought out the rope to +the company. "This, gentlemen, is the rope that hanged Jack; what +must be done with it?" Upon which they ordered it to be laid among +the curiosities of Gresham College; and it is called Jack's rope to +this very day. However, Jack, after all, had some small tokens of +life in him, but lies, at this time, past hopes of a total recovery, +with his head hanging on one shoulder, without speech or motion. +The coroner's inquest, supposing him to be dead, brought him in non +compos. + + + +CHAPTER XIV. The Conference between Don Diego and John Bull. + +During the time of the foregoing transactions, Don Diego was +entertaining John Bull. + +DON DIEGO.--I hope, sir, this day's proceeding will convince you of +the sincerity of your old friend Diego, and the treachery of Sir +Roger. + +JOHN BULL.--What's the matter now? + +DON DIEGO.--You have been endeavouring, for several years, to have +justice done upon that rogue Jack, but, what through the remissness +of constables, justices, and packed juries, he has always found the +means to escape. + +JOHN BULL.--What then? + +DON DIEGO.--Consider, then, who is your best friend: he that would +have brought him to condign punishment, or he that has saved him? +By my persuasion Jack had hanged himself, if Sir Roger had not cut +him down. + +JOHN BULL.--Who told you that Sir Roger has done so? + +DON DIEGO.--You seem to receive me coldly: methinks my services +deserve a better return. + +JOHN BULL.--Since you value yourself upon hanging this poor +scoundrel, I tell you, when I have any more hanging work, I'll send +for thee: I have some better employment for Sir Roger. In the +meantime, I desire the poor fellow may be looked after. When he +first came out of the north country into my family, under the +pretended name of Timothy Trim, the fellow seemed to mind his loom +and his spinning-wheel, till somebody turned his head; then he grew +so pragmatical, that he took upon him the government of my whole +family: I could never order anything, within or without doors, but +he must be always giving his counsel, forsooth: nevertheless, tell +him I will forgive what is past; and if he would mind his business +for the future, and not meddle out of his own sphere, he will find +that John Bull is not of a cruel disposition. + +DON DIEGO.--Yet all your skilful physicians say that nothing can +recover your mother but a piece of Jack's liver boiled in her soup. + +JOHN BULL.--Those are quacks. My mother abhors such cannibals' +food. She is in perfect health at present. I would have given many +a good pound to have had her so well some time ago.* There are +indeed two or three troublesome old nurses that, because they +believe I am tender-hearted, will never let me have a quiet night's +rest with knocking me up: "Oh, sir, your mother is taken extremely +ill; she is fallen into a fainting fit; she has a great emptiness, +wants sustenance." This is only to recommend themselves for their +great care. John Bull, as simple as he is, understands a little of +a pulse. + +* New clamours about the danger of the Church. + + + +CHAPTER XV. The sequel of the meeting at the "Salutation."* + +* At the Congress of Utrecht. + +Where I think I left John Bull, sitting between Nic. Frog and Lewis +Baboon, with his arms akimbo, in great concern to keep Lewis and +Nic. asunder. As watchful as he was, Nic. found the means now and +then to steal a whisper, and by a cleanly conveyance under the table +to slip a short note into Lewis's hand, which Lewis as slyly put +into John's pocket, with a pinch or a jog to warn him what he was +about. John had the curiosity to retire into a corner to peruse +those billets doux* of Nic.'s, wherein he found that Nic. had used +great freedoms both with his interest and reputation. One contained +these words: "Dear Lewis, thou seest clearly that this blockhead +can never bring his matters to bear. Let thee and me talk to-night +by ourselves at the 'Rose,' and I'll give thee satisfaction." +Another was thus expressed: "Friend Lewis, has thy sense quite +forsaken thee to make Bull such offers? Hold fast, part with +nothing, and I will give thee a better bargain, I'll warrant thee!' + +* Some offers of the Dutch at that time, in order to get the +negotiation into their hands. + +In some of his billets he told Lewis "That John Bull was under his +guardianship; that the best part of his servants were at his +command; that he could have John gagged and bound whenever he +pleased by the people of his own family." In all these epistles, +blockhead, dunce, ass, coxcomb, were the best epithets he gave poor +John. In others he threatened,* "That he, Esquire South, and the +rest of the tradesmen, would lay Lewis down upon his back and beat +out his teeth if he did not retire immediately and break up the +Meeting." + +* Threatening that the allies would carry on the war without the +help of the English. + +I fancy I need not tell my reader that John often changed colour as +he read, and that his fingers itched to give Nic. a good slap on the +chops, but he wisely moderated his choleric temper. *"I saved this +fellow," quoth he, "from the gallows when he ran away from his last +master, because I thought he was harshly treated; but the rogue was +no sooner safe under my protection than he began to lie, pilfer, and +steal like the devil. When I first set him up in a warm house he +had hardly put up his sign when he began to debauch my best +customers from me. *Then it was his constant practice to rob my +fish-ponds, not only to feed his family, but to trade with the +fishmongers. I connived at the fellow till he began to tell me that +they were his as much as mine. In my manor of *Eastcheap, because +it lay at some distance from my constant inspection, he broke down +my fences, robbed my orchards, and beat my servants. + +* Complaints against the Dutch for encroachment in trade, fishery, +East Indies, etc. The war with the Dutch on these accounts. + +"When I used to reprimand him for his tricks he would talk saucily, +lie, and brazen it out as if he had done nothing amiss. 'Will +nothing cure thee of thy pranks, Nic.?' quoth I; 'I shall be forced +some time or other to chastise thee.' The rogue got up his cane and +threatened me, and was well thwacked for his pains. But I think his +behaviour at this time worst of all; after I have almost drowned +myself to keep his head above water, he would leave me sticking in +the mud, trusting to his goodness to help me out. After I have +beggared myself with his troublesome lawsuit, with a plague to him! +he takes it in mighty dudgeon because I have brought him here to end +matters amicably, and because I won't let him make me over by deed +and indenture as his lawful cully, which to my certain knowledge he +has attempted several times. But, after all, canst thou gather +grapes from thorns? Nic. does not pretend to be a gentleman; he is +a tradesman, a self-seeking wretch. But how camest thou to hear all +this, John? The reason is plain; thou conferrest the benefits and +he receives them; the first produces love, and the last ingratitude. +Ah Nic., Nic., thou art a damned dog, that's certain; thou knowest +too well that I will take care of thee, else thou wouldst not use me +thus. I won't give thee up, it is true; but as true as it is, thou +shalt not sell me, according to thy laudable custom." While John +was deep in this soliloquy Nic. broke out into the following +protestation:-- + +"Gentlemen,--I believe everybody here present will allow me to be a +very just and disinterested person. My friend John Bull here is +very angry with me, forsooth, because I won't agree to his foolish +bargains. Now I declare to all mankind I should be ready to +sacrifice my own concerns to his quiet, but the care of his +interest, and that of the honest tradesmen* that are embarked with +us, keeps me from entering into this composition. What shall become +of those poor creatures? The thoughts of their impending ruin +disturb my night's rest; therefore I desire they may speak for +themselves. If they are willing to give up this affair, I sha'n't +make two words of it." + +* The Allies. + +John Bull begged him to lay aside that immoderate concern for him, +and withal put him in mind that the interest of those tradesmen had +not sat quite so heavy upon him some years ago on a like occasion. +Nic. answered little to that, but immediately pulled out a +boatswain's whistle. Upon the first whiff the tradesmen came +jumping into the room, and began to surround Lewis like so many +yelping curs about a great boar; or, to use a modester simile, like +duns at a great lord's levee the morning he goes into the country. +One pulled him by his sleeve, another by the skirt, a third hallooed +in the ear. They began to ask him for all that had been taken from +their forefathers by stealth, fraud, force, or lawful purchase. +Some asked for manors, others for acres that lay convenient for +them; that he would pull down his fences, level his ditches. All +agreed in one common demand that he should be purged, sweated, +vomited, and starved, till he came to a sizeable bulk like that of +his neighbours. One modestly asked him leave to call him brother. +Nic. Frog demanded two things--to be his porter and his fishmonger, +to keep the keys of his gates and furnish the kitchen. John's +sister Peg only desired that he would let his servants sing psalms +a-Sundays. Some descended even to the asking of old clothes, shoes +and boots, broken bottles, tobacco-pipes, and ends of candles. + +"Monsieur Bull," quoth Lewis, "you seem to be a man of some +breeding; for God's sake use your interest with these Messieurs, +that they would speak but one at once; for if one had a hundred pair +of hands, and as many tongues, he cannot satisfy them all at this +rate." John begged they might proceed with some method; then they +stopped all of a sudden and would not say a word. "If this be your +play," quoth John, "that we may not be like a Quaker's dumb meeting, +let us begin some diversion; what d'ye think of rouly-pouly or a +country dance? What if we should have a match at football? I am +sure we shall never end matters at this rate." + + + +CHAPTER XVI. How John Bull and Nic. Frog settled their Accounts. + +JOHN BULL.--During this general cessation of talk, what if you and +I, Nic., should inquire how money matters stand between us? + +NIC. FROG.--With all my heart; I love exact dealing. And let Hocus +audit; he knows how the money was disbursed. + +JOHN BULL.--I am not much for that at present; we'll settle it +between ourselves. Fair and square, Nic., keeps friends together. +There have been laid out in this lawsuit, at one time, 36,OOO pounds +and 4O,OOO crowns. In some cases I, in others you, bear the +greatest proportion. + +NIC FROG.--Right; I pay three-fifths of the greatest number, and you +pay two-thirds of the lesser number. I think this is fair and +square, as you call it. + +JOHN BULL.--Well, go on. + +NIC FROG.--Two-thirds of 36,OOO pounds are 24,OOO pounds for your +share, and there remains 12,OOO for mine. Again, of the 4O,OOO +crowns I pay 24,OOO, which is three-fifths, and you pay only 16,OOO, +which is two-fifths; 24,OOO crowns make 6,OOO pounds, and 16,OOO +crowns make 4,OOO pounds; 12,OOO and 16,OOO make 18,OOO, 24,OOO and +4,OOO make 28,OOO. So there are 18,OOO pounds to my share of the +expenses, and 28,OOO to yours. + +After Nic. had bamboozled John awhile about the 18,OOO and the +28,OOO, John called for counters; but what with sleight of hand, and +taking from his own score and adding to John's, Nic. brought the +balance always on his own side. + +JOHN BULL.--Nay, good friend Nic., though I am not quite so nimble +in the fingers, I understand ciphering as well as you. I will +produce you my accounts one by one, fairly writ out of my own books; +and here I begin with the first. You must excuse me if I don't +pronounce the law terms right. + +[John reads.] + +For the expenses ordinary of the suits, fees to judges, puisne +judges, lawyers innumerable of all sorts:-- + +Of extraordinaries, as follows per account . . +To Esquire South's account for post terminums . . +To ditto for non est factums . . +To ditto for noli prosequis, discontinuance, and retraxit . . +For writs of error . . +Suits of conditions unperformed . . +To Hocus for dedimus protestatem . . +To ditto for a capias ad computandum . . +To Frog's new tenants per account to Hocus, for audita querelas . . +On the said account for writs of ejectment and distringas . . +To Esquire South's quota for a return of a non est invent + and nulla habet bona . . +To --- for a pardon in forma pauperis . . +To Jack for a melius inquirendum upon a felo-de-se . . +To coach-hire . . +For treats to juries and witnesses . . + +John having read over his articles, with the respective sums, +brought in Frog debtor to him upon the balance, 3,382 pounds 12 +shillings. + +Then Nic. Frog pulled his bill out of his pocket, and began to read. + +Nicholas Frog's Account. + +Remains to be deducted out of the former Account. + +Paid by Nic. Frog for his share of the ordinary expenses of the suit +. . +To Hocus for entries of a rege inconsulto . . +To John Bull's nephew for a venire facias, the money not yet all +laid out . . +The coach-hire for my wife and family, and the carriage of my goods +during the + time of this lawsuit . . +For the extraordinary expenses of feeding my family during this +lawsuit . . +To Major Ab. . . +To Major Will. . . + +And summing all up, found due upon the balance by John Bull to Nic. +Frog, 9 pounds 4 shillings and 6 pence. + +JOHN BULL.--As for your venire facias, I have paid you for one +already; in the other I believe you will be nonsuited. I'll take +care of my nephew myself. Your coach-hire and family charges are +most unreasonable deductions; at that rate, I can bring in any man +in the world my debtor. But who the devil are those two majors that +consume all my money? I find they always run away with the balance +in all accounts. + +NIC. FROG.--Two very honest gentlemen, I assure you, that have done +me some service. To tell you plainly, Major Ab. denotes thy greater +ability, and Major Will. thy greater willingness to carry on this +lawsuit. It was but reasonable thou shouldst pay both for thy power +and thy positiveness. + +JOHN BULL.--I believe I shall have those two honest majors' discount +on my side in a little time. + +NIC. FROG.--Why all this higgling with thy friend about such a +paltry sum? Does this become the generosity of the noble and rich +John Bull? I wonder thou art not ashamed. Oh, Hocus! Hocus! where +art thou? It used to go another-guess manner in thy time. When a +poor man has almost undone himself for thy sake, thou art for +fleecing him, and fleecing him. Is that thy conscience, John? + +JOHN BULL.--Very pleasant, indeed! It is well known thou retainest +thy lawyers by the year, so a fresh lawsuit adds but little to thy +expenses; they are thy customers;* I hardly ever sell them a +farthing's-worth of anything. Nay, thou hast set up an +eating-house, where the whole tribe of them spend all they can rap +or run. If it were well reckoned, I believe thou gettest more of my +money than thou spendest of thy own. However, if thou wilt needs +plead poverty, own at least that thy accounts are false. + +* The money spent in Holland and Flanders. + +NIC. FROG.--No, marry won't I; I refer myself to these honest +gentlemen--let them judge between us. Let Esquire South speak his +mind, whether my accounts are not right, and whether we ought not to +go on with our lawsuit. + +JOHN BULL.--Consult the butchers about keeping of Lent. Dost think +that John Bull will be tried by piepowders? I tell you, once for +all, John Bull knows where his shoe pinches. None of your esquires +shall give him the law as long as he wears this trusty weapon by his +side, or has an inch of broadcloth in his shop. + +NIC. FROG.--Why, there it is: you will be both judge and party. I +am sorry thou discoverest so much of thy headstrong humour before +these strange gentlemen; I have often told thee it would prove thy +ruin some time or other. Let it never be said that the famous John +Bull has departed in despite of Court. + +JOHN BULL.--And will it not reflect as much on thy character, Nic., +to turn barretter in thy old days--a stirrer-up of quarrels amongst +thy neighbours? I tell thee, Nic., some time or other thou wilt +repent this. + +But John saw clearly he should have nothing but wrangling, and that +he should have as little success in settling his accounts as ending +the composition. "Since they will needs overload my shoulders," +quoth John, "I shall throw down the burden with a squash amongst +them, take it up who dares. A man has a fine time of it amongst a +combination of sharpers that vouch for one another's honesty. John, +look to thyself; old Lewis makes reasonable offers. When thou hast +spent the small pittance that is left, thou wilt make a glorious +figure when thou art brought to live upon Nic. Frog and Esquire +South's generosity and gratitude. If they use thee thus when they +want thee, what will they do when thou wantest them? I say again, +John, look to thyself." + +John wisely stifled his resentments, and told the company that in a +little time he should give them law, or something better. + +ALL.--*Law! law! sir, by all means. What is twenty-two poor years +towards the finishing a lawsuit? For the love of God, more law, +sir! + +* Clamours for continuing the war. + +JOHN BULL.--Prepare your demands how many years more of law you +want, that I may order my affairs accordingly. In the meanwhile, +farewell. + + + +CHAPTER XVII. How John Bull found all his Family in an Uproar at +Home.* + +Nic. Frog, who thought of nothing but carrying John to the market, +and there disposing of him as his own proper goods, was mad to find +that John thought himself now of age to look after his own affairs. +He resolved to traverse this new project, and to make him uneasy in +his own family. He had corrupted or deluded most of his servants +into the most extravagant conceits in the world: that their master +was run mad, and wore a dagger in one pocket and poison in the +other; that he had sold his wife and children to Lewis, disinherited +his heir, and was going to settle his estate upon a parish-boy; that +if they did not look after their master, he would do some very +mischievous thing. When John came home, he found a more surprising +scene than any he had yet met with, and that you will say was +somewhat extraordinary. + +* Clamours about the danger of the succession. + +He called his cook-maid Betty to bespeak his dinner. Betty told him +"That she begged his pardon, she could not dress dinner till she +knew what he intended to do with his will." "Why, Betty," quoth +John, "thou art not run mad, art thou? My will at present is to +have dinner." "That may be," quoth Betty, "but my conscience won't +allow me to dress it till I know whether you intend to do righteous +things by your heir." "I am sorry for that, Betty," quoth John; "I +must find somebody else, then." Then he called John the barber. +"Before I begin," quoth John, "I hope your honour won't be offended +if I ask you whether you intend to alter your will? If you won't +give me a positive answer your beard may grow down to your middle +for me." "'Igad, so it shall," quoth Bull, "for I will never trust +my throat in such a mad fellow's hands. Where's Dick the butler?" +"Look ye," quoth Dick, "I am very willing to serve you in my +calling, d'you see, but there are strange reports, and plain-dealing +is best, d'ye see. I must be satisfied if you intend to leave all +to your nephew and if Nic. Frog is still your executor, d'ye see. +If you will not satisfy me as to these points you may drink with the +ducks." "And so I will," quoth John, "rather than keep a butler +that loves my heir better than myself." Hob the shoemaker, and +Pricket the tailor, told him they would most willingly serve him in +their several stations if he would promise them never to talk with +Lewis Baboon, and let Nicholas Frog, linen-draper, manage his +concerns; that they could neither make shoes nor clothes to any that +were not in good correspondence with their worthy friend Nicholas. + +JOHN BULL.--Call Andrew, my journeyman. How goes affairs, Andrew? +I hope the devil has not taken possession of thy body too. + +ANDREW.--No, sir; I only desire to know what you would do if you +were dead? + +JOHN BULL.--Just as other dead folks do, Andrew. [Aside.] This is +amazing! + +ANDREW.--I mean if your nephew shall inherit your estate. + +JOHN BULL.--That depends upon himself. I shall do nothing to hinder +him. + +ANDREW.--But will you make it sure? + +JOHN BULL.--Thou meanest that I should put him in possession, for I +can make it no surer without that. He has all the law can give him. + +ANDREW.--Indeed, possession, as you say, would make it much surer. +They say it is eleven points of the law. + +John began now to think that they were all enchanted. He inquired +about the age of the moon, if Nic. had not given them some +intoxicating potion, or if old Mother Jenisa was still alive? "No, +o' my faith," quoth Harry, "I believe there is no potion in the case +but a little aurum potabile. You will have more of this by-and-by." +He had scarce spoken the word when another friend of John's accosted +him after the following manner:-- + +"Since those worthy persons, who are as much concerned for your +safety as I am, have employed me as their orator, I desire to know +whether you will have it by way of syllogism, enthymem, dilemma, or +sorites?" + +John now began to be diverted with their extravagance. + +JOHN BULL.--Let's have a sorites by all means, though they are all +new to me. + +FRIEND.--It is evident to all that are versed in history that there +were two sisters that played false two thousand years ago. +Therefore it plainly follows that it is not lawful for John Bull to +have any manner of intercourse with Lewis Baboon. If it is not +lawful for John Bull to have any manner of intercourse +(correspondence, if you will, that is much the same thing) then, a +fortiori, it is much more unlawful for the said John to make over +his wife and children to the said Lewis. If his wife and children +are not to be made over, he is not to wear a dagger and ratsbane in +his pockets. If he wears a dagger and ratsbane, it must be to do +mischief to himself or somebody else. If he intends to do mischief, +he ought to be under guardians, and there is none so fit as myself +and some other worthy persons who have a commission for that purpose +from Nic. Frog, the executor of his will and testament. + +JOHN BULL.--And this is your sorites, you say? + +With that he snatched a good tough oaken cudgel, and began to +brandish it. Then happy was the man that was first at the door. +Crowding to get out, they tumbled down-stairs. And it is credibly +reported some of them dropped very valuable things in the hurry, +which were picked up by others of the family. + +"That any of these rogues," quoth John, "should imagine I am not as +much concerned as they about having my affairs in a settled +condition, or that I would wrong my heir for I know not what! Well, +Nic., I really cannot but applaud thy diligence. I must own this is +really a pretty sort of a trick, but it sha'n't do thy business, for +all that." + + + +CHAPTER XVIII. How Lewis Baboon came to visit John Bull, and what +passed between them. * + +* Private negotiations about Dunkirk. + +I think it is but ingenuous to acquaint the reader that this chapter +was not wrote by Sir Humphrey himself, but by another very able pen +of the university of Grub Street. + +John had, by some good instructions given him by Sir Roger, got the +better of his choleric temper, and wrought himself up to a great +steadiness of mind to pursue his own interest through all +impediments that were thrown in the way. He began to leave off some +of his old acquaintance, his roaring and bullying about the streets. +He put on a serious air, knit his brows, and, for the time, had made +a very considerable progress in politics, considering that he had +been kept a stranger to his own affairs. However, he could not help +discovering some remains of his nature when he happened to meet with +a football or a match at cricket, for which Sir Roger was sure to +take him to task. John was walking about his room with folded arms +and a most thoughtful countenance. His servant brought him word +that one Lewis Baboon below wanted to speak with him. John had got +an impression that Lewis was so deadly cunning a man that he was +afraid to venture himself alone with him. At last he took heart of +grace. "Let him come up," quoth he; "it is but sticking to my +point, and he can never over-reach me." + +LEWIS BABOON.--Monsieur Bull, I will frankly acknowledge that my +behaviour to my neighbours has been somewhat uncivil, and I believe +you will readily grant me that I have met with usage accordingly. I +was fond of back-sword and cudgel-play from my youth, and I now bear +in my body many a black and blue gash and scar, God knows. I had as +good a warehouse and as fair possessions as any of my neighbours, +though I say it. But a contentious temper, flattering servants, and +unfortunate stars have brought me into circumstances that are not +unknown to you. These my misfortunes are heightened by domestic +calamities. That I need not relate. I am a poor old battered +fellow, and I would willingly end my days in peace. But, alas! I +see but small hopes of that, for every new circumstance affords an +argument to my enemies to pursue their revenge. Formerly I was to +be banged because I was too strong, and now because I am too weak to +resist; I am to be brought down when too rich, and oppressed when +too poor. Nic. Frog has used me like a scoundrel. You are a +gentleman, and I freely put myself in your hands to dispose of me as +you think fit. + +JOHN BULL.--Look you, Master Baboon, as to your usage of your +neighbours, you had best not dwell too much upon that chapter. Let +it suffice at present that you have been met with. You have been +rolling a great stone up-hill all your life, and at last it has come +tumbling down till it is like to crush you to pieces. Plain-dealing +is best. If you have any particular mark, Mr. Baboon, whereby one +may know when you fib and when you speak truth, you had best tell it +me, that one may proceed accordingly. But since at present I know +of none such, it is better that you should trust me than that I +should trust you. + +LEWIS BABOON.--I know of no particular mark of veracity amongst us +tradesmen but interest; and it is manifestly mine not to deceive you +at this time. You may safely trust me, I can assure you. + +JOHN BULL.--The trust I give is, in short, this: I must have +something in hand before I make the bargain, and the rest before it +is concluded. + +LEWIS BABOON.--To show you I deal fairly, name your something. + +JOHN BULL.--I need not tell thee, old boy; thou canst guess. + +LEWIS BABOON.--Ecclesdown Castle,* I'll warrant you, because it has +been formerly in your family. Say no more; you shall have it. + +* Dunkirk. + +JOHN BULL.--I shall have it to my own self? + +LEWIS BABOON.--To thine own self. + +JOHN BULL.--Every wall, gate, room, and inch of Ecclesdown Castle, +you say? + +LEWIS BABOON.--Just so. + +JOHN BULL.--Every single stone of Ecclesdown Castle, to my own self, +speedily? + +LEWIS BABOON.--When you please; what needs more words? + +JOHN BULL.--But tell me, old boy, hast thou laid aside all thy +equivocals and mentals in this case? + +LEWIS BABOON.--There's nothing like matter of fact; seeing is +believing. + +JOHN BULL.--Now thou talkest to the purpose; let us shake hands, old +boy. Let me ask thee one question more; what hast thou to do to +meddle with the affairs of my family? to dispose of my estate, old +boy? + +LEWIS BABOON.--Just as much as you have to do with the affairs of +Lord Strutt. + +JOHN BULL.--Ay, but my trade, my very being was concerned in that. + +LEWIS BABOON.--And my interest was concerned in the other. But let +us drop both our pretences; for I believe it is a moot point, +whether I am more likely to make a Master Bull, or you a Lord +Strutt. + +JOHN BULL.--Agreed, old boy; but then I must have security that I +shall carry my broadcloth to market, old boy. + +LEWIS BABOON.--That you shall: Ecclesdown Castle! Ecclesdown! +Remember that. Why wouldst thou not take it when it was offered +thee some years ago? + +JOHN BULL.--I would not take it, because they told me thou wouldst +not give it me. + +LEWIS BABOON.--How could Monsieur Bull be so grossly abused by +downright nonsense? they that advised you to refuse, must have +believed I intended to give, else why would they not make the +experiment? But I can tell you more of that matter than perhaps you +know at present. + +JOHN BULL.--But what say'st thou as to the Esquire, Nic. Frog, and +the rest of the tradesmen? I must take care of them. + +LEWIS BABOON.--Thou hast but small obligations to Nic. to my certain +knowledge: he has not used me like a gentleman. + +JOHN BULL.--Nic. indeed is not very nice in your punctilios of +ceremony; he is clownish, as a man may say: belching and calling of +names have been allowed him time out of mind, by prescription: but, +however, we are engaged in one common cause, and I must look after +him. + +LEWIS BABOON.--All matters that relate to him, and the rest of the +plaintiff's in this lawsuit, I will refer to your justice. + + + +CHAPTER XIX. Nic. Frog's letter to John Bull: wherein he +endeavours to vindicate all his conduct, with relation to John Bull +and the lawsuit. + +Nic. perceived now that his Cully had eloped, that John intended +henceforth to deal without a broker; but he was resolved to leave no +stone unturned to cover his bubble. Amongst other artifices he +wrote a most obliging letter, which he sent him printed in a fair +character. + +"DEAR FRIEND,--When I consider the late ill-usage I have met with +from you, I was reflecting what it was that could provoke you to it, +but upon a narrow inspection into my conduct, I can find nothing to +reproach myself with but too partial a concern for your interest. +You no sooner set this composition afoot but I was ready to comply, +and prevented your very wishes; and the affair might have been ended +before now, had it not been for the greater concerns of Esquire +South and the other poor creatures embarked in the same common +cause, whose safety touches me to the quick. You seemed a little +jealous that I had dealt unfairly with you in money-matters, till it +appeared by your own accounts that there was something due to me +upon the balance. Having nothing to answer to so plain a +demonstration, you began to complain as if I had been familiar with +your reputation; when it is well known not only I, but the meanest +servants in my family, talk of you with the utmost respect. I have +always, as far as in me lies, exhorted your servants and tenants to +be dutiful; not that I any way meddle in your domestic affairs, +which were very unbecoming for me to do. If some of your servants +express their great concern for you in a manner that is not so very +polite, you ought to impute it to their extraordinary zeal, which +deserves a reward rather than a reproof. You cannot reproach me for +want of success at the 'Salutation,' since I am not master of the +passions and interests of other folks. I have beggared myself with +this lawsuit, undertaken merely in complaisance to you; and if you +would have had but a little patience, I had still greater things in +reserve, that I intended to have done for you. I hope what I have +said will prevail with you to lay aside your unreasonable +jealousies, and that we may have no more meetings at the +'Salutation,' spending our time and money to no purpose. My concern +for your welfare and prosperity almost makes me mad. You may be +assured I will continue to be + "Your affectionate + "Friend and Servant, + "Nic. Frog."* + +* Substance of the States letter. + +John received this with a good deal of sang-froid; "Transeat," quoth +John, "cum caeteris erroribus." He was now at his ease; he saw he +could now make a very good bargain for himself, and a very safe one +for other folks. "My shirt," quoth he, "is near me, but my skin is +nearer. Whilst I take care of the welfare of other folks, nobody +can blame me to apply a little balsam to my own sores. It's a +pretty thing, after all, for a man to do his own business; a man has +such a tender concern for himself, there's nothing like it. This is +somewhat better, I trow, than for John Bull to be standing in the +market, like a great dray-horse, with Frog's paws upon his head. +What will you give me for this beast? Serviteur Nic. Frog, though +John Bull has not read your Aristotles, Platos, and Machiavels, he +can see as far into a mill-stone as another." With that John began +to chuckle and laugh till he was like to have burst his sides. + + + +CHAPTER XX. The discourse that passed between Nic. Frog and Esquire +South, which John Bull overheard.* + +* Negotiations between the Emperor and the Dutch for continuing the +war, and getting the property of Flanders. + +John thought every minute a year till he got into Ecclesdown Castle; +he repairs to the "Salutation" with a design to break the matter +gently to his partners. Before he entered he overheard Nic. and the +Esquire in a very pleasant conference. + +ESQUIRE SOUTH.--Oh, the ingratitude and injustice of mankind! That +John Bull, whom I have honoured with my friendship and protection so +long, should flinch at last, and pretend that he can disburse no +more money for me! that the family of the Souths, by his sneaking +temper, should be kept out of their own! + +NIC. FROG.--An't like your worship, I am in amaze at it; I think the +rogue should be compelled to his duty. + +ESQUIRE SOUTH.--That he should prefer his scandalous pelf, the dust +and dregs of the earth, to the prosperity and grandeur of my family! + +NIC. FROG.--Nay, he is mistaken there, too; for he would quickly +lick himself whole again by his vails. It's strange he should +prefer Philip Baboon's custom to Esquire South's. + +ESQUIRE SOUTH.--As you say, that my clothier, that is to get so much +by the purchase, should refuse to put me in possession; did you ever +know any man's tradesman serve him so before? + +NIC. FROG.--No, indeed, an't please your worship, it is a very +unusual proceeding; and I would not have been guilty of it for the +world. If your honour had not a great stock of moderation and +patience, you would not bear it so well as you do. + +ESQUIRE SOUTH.--It is most intolerable, that's certain, Nic., and I +will be revenged. + +NIC. FROG.--Methinks it is strange that Philip Baboon's tenants do +not all take your honour's part, considering how good and gentle a +master you are. + +ESQUIRE SOUTH.--True, Nic., but few are sensible of merit in this +world. It is a great comfort to have so faithful a friend as +thyself in so critical a juncture. + +NIC. FROG.--If all the world should forsake you, be assured Nic. +Frog never will; let us stick to our point, and we'll manage Bull, +I'll warrant ye. + +ESQUIRE SOUTH.--Let me kiss thee, dear Nic.; I have found one honest +man among a thousand at last. + +NIC. FROG.--If it were possible, your honour has it in your power to +wed me still closer to your interest. + +ESQUIRE SOUTH.--Tell me quickly, dear Nic. + +NIC. FROG.--You know I am your tenant; the difference between my +lease and an inheritance is such a trifle as I am sure you will not +grudge your poor friend. That will be an encouragement to go on; +besides, it will make Bull as mad as the devil: you and I shall be +able to manage him then to some purpose. + +ESQUIRE SOUTH.--Say no more; it shall be done, Nic., to thy heart's +content. + +John all this while was listening to this comical dialogue, and +laughed heartily in his sleeve at the pride and simplicity of the +Esquire, and the sly roguery of his friend Nic. Then of a sudden +bolting into the room, he began to tell them that he believed he had +brought Lewis to reasonable terms, if they would please to hear +them. + +Then they all bawled out aloud, "No composition: long live Esquire +South and the Law!" As John was going to proceed, some roared, some +stamped with their feet, others stopped their ears with their +fingers. + +"Nay, gentlemen," quoth John, "if you will but stop proceeding for a +while, you shall judge yourselves whether Lewis's proposals* are +reasonable." + +* Proposals for cessation of arms and delivery of Dunkirk. + +ALL.--Very fine, indeed; stop proceeding, and so lose a term. + +JOHN BULL.--Not so neither; we have something by way of advance: he +will put us in possession of his Manor and Castle of Ecclesdown. + +NIC. FROG.--What dost talk of us? thou meanest thyself. + +JOHN BULL.--When Frog took possession of anything, it was always +said to be for us, and why may not John Bull be us as well as Nic. +Frog was us? I hope John Bull is no more confined to singularity +than Nic. Frog; or, take it so, the constant doctrine that thou hast +preached up for many years was that thou and I are one; and why must +we be supposed two in this case, that were always one before? It's +impossible that thou and I can fall out, Nic.; we must trust one +another. I have trusted thee with a great many things--prithee +trust me with this one trifle. + +NIC. FROG.--That principle is true in the main, but there is some +speciality in this case that makes it highly inconvenient for us +both. + +JOHN BULL.--Those are your jealousies, that the common enemies sow +between us: how often hast thou warned me of those rogues, Nic., +that would make us mistrustful of one another! + +NIC. FROG.--This Ecclesdown Castle is only a bone of contention. + +JOHN BULL.--It depends upon you to make it so; for my part, I am as +peaceable as a lamb. + +NIC. FROG.--But do you consider the unwholesomeness of the air and +soil, the expenses of reparations and servants? I would scorn to +accept of such a quagmire. + +JOHN BULL.--You are a great man, Nic., but in my circumstances I +must be e'en content to take it as it is. + +NIC. FROG.--And you are really so silly as to believe the old +cheating rogue will give it you? + +JOHN BULL.--I believe nothing but matter of fact; I stand and fall +by that. I am resolved to put him to it. + +NIC. FROG.--And so relinquish the hopefullest cause in the world: a +claim that will certainly in the end make thy fortune for ever. + +JOHN BULL.--Wilt thou purchase it, Nic.? thou shalt have a lumping +pennyworth; nay, rather than we should differ, I'll give thee +something to take it off my hands. + +NIC. FROG.--If thou wouldst but moderate that hasty, impatient +temper of thine, thou shouldst quickly see a better thing than all +that. What shouldst thou think to find old Lewis turned out of his +paternal estates and mansion-house of Claypool?* Would not that do +thy heart good, to see thy old friend, Nic. Frog, Lord of Claypool? +Then thou and thy wife and children should walk in my gardens, buy +toys, drink lemonade, and now and then we should have a country +dance. + +* Claypool, Paris--Lutetia. + +JOHN BULL.--I love to be plain: I'd as lief see myself in +Ecclesdown Castle as thee in Claypool. I tell you again, Lewis +gives this as a pledge of his sincerity; if you won't stop +proceeding to hear him, I will. + + + +CHAPTER XXI. The rest of Nic.'s fetches to keep John out of +Ecclesdown Castle.* + +* Attempts to hinder the cessation, and taking possession of +Dunkirk. + +When Nic. could not dissuade John by argument, he tried to move his +pity; he pretended to be sick and like to die; that he should leave +his wife and children in a starving condition, if John did abandon +him; that he was hardly able to crawl about the room, far less +capable to look after such a troublesome business as this lawsuit, +and therefore begged that his good friend would not leave him. When +he saw that John was still inexorable, he pulled out a case-knife, +with which he used to snicker-snee, and threatened to cut his own +throat. Thrice he aimed the knife to his windpipe with a most +determined threatening air. "What signifies life," quoth he, "in +this languishing condition? It will be some pleasure that my +friends will revenge my death upon this barbarous man that has been +the cause of it." All this while John looked sedate and calm, +neither offering in the least to snatch the knife, nor stop his +blow, trusting to the tenderness Nic. had for his own person. When +he perceived that John was immovable in his purpose, he applied +himself to Lewis. + +"Art thou," quoth he, "turned bubble in thy old age, from being a +sharper in thy youth? What occasion hast thou to give up Ecclesdown +Castle to John Bull? His friendship is not worth a rush. Give it +me, and I'll make it worth thy while. If thou dislikest that +proposition, keep it thyself; I'd rather thou shouldst have it than +he. If thou hearkenest not to my advice, take what follows; Esquire +South and I will go on with our lawsuit in spite of John Bull's +teeth." + +LEWIS BABOON.--Monsieur Bull has used me like a gentleman, and I am +resolved to make good my promise, and trust him for the +consequences. + +NIC. FROG.--Then I tell thee thou art an old doating fool.--With +that Nic. bounced up with a spring equal to that of one of your +nimblest tumblers or rope-dancers, and fell foul upon John Bull, to +snatch the cudgel* he had in his hand, that he might thwack Lewis +with it: John held it fast so that there was no wrenching it from +him. At last Squire South buckled to, to assist his friend Nic.: +John hauled on one side, and they two on the other. Sometimes they +were like to pull John over, then it went all of a sudden again on +John's side, so they went see-sawing up and down, from one end of +the room to the other. Down tumbled the tables, bottles, glasses, +and tobacco-pipes; the wine and the tobacco were all spilt about the +room, and the little fellows were almost trod under foot, till more +of the tradesmen joining with Nic. and the Squire, John was hardly +able to pull against then all, yet would he never quit hold of his +trusty cudgel: which by the contrary force of two so great powers +broke short in his hands.** Nic. seized the longer end, and with it +began to bastinado old Lewis, who had slunk into a corner, waiting +the event of this squabble. Nic. came up to him with an insolent +menacing air, so that the old fellow was forced to scuttle out of +the room, and retire behind a dung-cart. He called to Nic., "Thou +insolent jackanapes, time was when thou durst not have used me so; +thou now takest me unprovided; but, old and infirm as I am, I shall +find a weapon by-and-by to chastise thy impudence." + +* The army. +** The separation of the army. + +When John Bull had recovered his breath, he began to parley with +Nic.: "Friend Nic., I am glad to find thee so strong after thy +great complaints; really thy motions, Nic., are pretty vigorous for +a consumptive man. As for thy worldly affairs, Nic., if it can do +thee any service, I freely make over to thee this profitable +lawsuit, and I desire all these gentlemen to bear witness to this my +act and deed. Yours be all the gain, as mine has been the charges. +I have brought it to bear finely: however, all I have laid out upon +it goes for nothing--thou shalt have it with all its appurtenances; +I ask nothing but leave to go home." + +NIC. FROG.--The counsel are fee'd, and all things prepared for a +trial; thou shalt be forced to stand the issue; it shall be pleaded +in thy name as well as mine. Go home if thou canst; the gates are +shut, the turnpikes locked, and the roads barricaded.* + +* Difficulty of the march of part of the army to Dunkirk. + +JOHN BULL.--Even these very ways, Nic., that thou toldest me were as +open to me as thyself, if I can't pass with my own equipage, what +can I expect for my goods and wagons? I am denied passage through +those very grounds that I have purchased with my own money. +However, I am glad I have made the experiment; it may serve me in +some stead. + +John Bull was so overjoyed that he was going to take possession of +Ecclesdown, that nothing could vex him. "Nic.," quoth he, "I am +just a-going to leave thee; cast a kind look upon me at parting." + +Nic. looked sour and glum, and would not open his mouth. + +JOHN BULL.--I wish thee all the success that thy heart can desire, +and that these honest gentlemen of the long robe may have their +belly full of law. + +Nic. could stand it no longer, but flung out of the room with +disdain, and beckoned the lawyers to follow him. + +JOHN BULL.--B'ye, b'ye, Nic,; not one poor smile at parting? won't +you shake your day-day, Nic? b'ye, Nic.--With that John marched out +of the common road, across the country, to take possession of +Ecclesdown. + + + +CHAPTER XXII. Of the great joy that John expressed when he got +possession of Ecclesdown.* + +* Dunkirk. + +When John had got into his castle he seemed like Ulysses upon his +plank after he had been well soused in salt water, who, as Homer +says, was as glad as a judge going to sit down to dinner after +hearing a long cause upon the bench. I daresay John Bull's joy was +equal to that of either of the two; he skipped from room to room, +ran up-stairs and down-stairs, from the kitchen to the garrets, and +from the garrets to the kitchen; he peeped into every cranny; +sometimes he admired the beauty of the architecture and the vast +solidity of the mason's work; at other times he commended the +symmetry and proportion of the rooms. He walked about the gardens; +he bathed himself in the canal, swimming, diving, and beating the +liquid element like a milk-white swan. The hall resounded with the +sprightly violin and the martial hautbois. The family tripped it +about, and capered like hailstones bounding from a marble floor. +Wine, ale, and October flew about as plentifully as kennel-water. +Then a frolic took John in the head to call up some of Nic. Frog's +pensioners that had been so mutinous in his family. + +JOHN BULL.--Are you glad to see your master in Ecclesdown Castle? + +ALL.--Yes, indeed, sir. + +JOHN BULL.--Extremely glad? + +ALL.--Extremely glad, sir. + +JOHN BULL.--Swear to me that you are so. + +Then they began to sink their souls to the lowest pit if any person +in the world rejoiced more than they did. + +JOHN BULL.--Now hang me if I don't believe you are a parcel of +perjured rascals; however, take this bumper of October to your +master's health. + +Then John got upon the battlements, and looking over he called to +Nic. Frog.-- + +"How d'ye do, Nic.? D'ye see where I am, Nic.? I hope the cause +goes on swimmingly, Nic. When dost thou intend to go to Claypool, +Nic.? Wilt thou buy there some high heads of the newest cut for my +daughters? How comest thou to go with thy arm tied up? Has old +Lewis given thee a rap over thy fingers' ends? Thy weapon was a +good one when I wielded it, but the butt-end remains in my hands. I +am so busy in packing up my goods that I have no time to talk with +thee any longer. It would do thy heart good to see what wagon-loads +I am preparing for market. If thou wantest any good office of mine, +for all that has happened I will use thee well, Nic. B'ye, Nic." + + + +POSTSCRIPT. + +It has been disputed amongst the literati of Grub Street whether Sir +Humphry proceeded any farther into the history of John Bull. By +diligent inquiry we have found the titles of some chapters, which +appear to be a continuation of it, and are as follow:-- + +CHAP. I.--How John was made angry with the Articles of Agreement. +How he kicked the Parchment through the House, up-stairs and +down-stairs, and put himself in a great Heat thereby. + +CHAP. II.--How in his Passion he was going to cut off Sir Roger's +head with a Cleaver. Of the strange manner of Sir Roger's escaping +the blow, by laying his Head upon the Dresser. + +CHAP. III.--How some of John's Servants attempted to scale his House +with Rope Ladders, and how many unfortunately dangled in the same. + +CHAP. IV.--Of the Methods by which John endeavoured to preserve the +Peace amongst his Neighbours. How he kept a pair of Stillyards to +weigh them, and by Diet, Purging, Vomiting, and Bleeding, tried to +bring them to equal Bulk and Strength. + +CHAP. V.--Of False Accounts of the Weights given in by some of the +Journeymen, and of the Newmarket Tricks that were practised at the +Stillyards. + +CHAP. VI.--How John's New Journeymen brought him other guess +Accounts of the Stillyards. + +CHAP. VII.--How Sir Swain Northy* was, by Bleeding, Purging, and a +Steel Diet, brought into a Consumption, and how John was forced +afterwards to give him the Gold Cordial. + +* King of Sweden. + +CHAP. VIII.--How Peter Bear* was overfed, and afterwards refused to +submit to the course of Physic. + +* Czar of Muscovy. + +CHAP. IX.--How John pampered Esquire South with Tit-bits, till he +grew wanton; how he got drunk with Calabrian Wine, and longed for +Sicilian Beef, and how John carried him thither in his barge. + +CHAP. X.--How the Esquire, from a foul-feeder, grew dainty: how he +longed for Mangoes, Spices, and Indian Birds' Nests, etc., and could +not sleep but in a Chintz Bed. + +CHAP. XI.--The Esquire turned Tradesman; how he set up a China Shop* +over against Nic. Frog. + +* The Ostend Company. + +CHAP. XII.--How he procured Spanish Flies to blister his Neighbours, +and as a Provocative to himself. As likewise how he carried off +Nic. Frog's favourite Daughter. + +CHAP. XIII.--How Nic. Frog, hearing the Girl squeak, went to call +John Bull as a Constable. + +CHAP. XIV.--How John rose out of his Bed on a cold Morning to +prevent a Duel between Esq. South and Lord Strutt; how, to his great +surprise, he found the Combatants drinking Geneva in a Brandy Shop, +with Nic.'s favourite Daughter between them; how they both fell upon +John, so that he was forced to fight his way out. + +CHAP. XV.--How John came with his Constable's Staff to rescue Nic.'s +Daughter, and break the Esquire's China Ware. + +CHAP. XVI.--Commentary upon the Spanish Proverb, "Time and I against +any Two;" or Advice to Dogmatical Politicians exemplified in some +New Affairs between John Bull and Lewis Baboon. + +CHAP. XVII.--A Discourse of the delightful Game of Quadrille. How +Lewis Baboon attempted to play a Game Solo in Clubs, and was bested; +how John called Lewis for his King, and was afraid that his own +Partner should have too many tricks; and how the Success and Skill +of Quadrille depends upon calling a right King. + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg Etext of History of John Bull, by J. 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