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diff --git a/26388.txt b/26388.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1a962f9 --- /dev/null +++ b/26388.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2004 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of A Humorous History of England, by C. Harrison + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: A Humorous History of England + +Author: C. Harrison + +Release Date: August 22, 2008 [EBook #26388] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A HUMOROUS HISTORY OF ENGLAND *** + + + + +Produced by Chris Curnow, David Wilson and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + +PRICE: THREE PENCE + + + + + A Humorous + History of England + + + The essentials of England's + History Told in Rhyme + + Light and Amusing + + + Told and + Pictured + by + C. Harrison. + + + Price 3d. + + With Forty Eight Illustrations + + + + +Concerning Anaemia + +(Poorness of Blood.) + +IN MEN AND WOMEN, + +_by the late +DR. ANDREW WILSON._ + + +_The public are very familiar with the term "Anaemia," and this fact +alone testifies to the extremely common nature of the ailment thus +indicated._ + +_As a rule Anaemia shows a gradual progress. There is experienced a +feeling of lassitude, of being "easily tired out," and a distaste for +active exertion. The digestion is enfeebled, and, without feeling +actually ill, the sufferer inclines towards an inactive life, while the +appetite usually disappears, and a general bodily upset is represented. +The lips are pale, the red of the eyelids, seen by turning down the +lower eyelid, will exhibit a similar appearance. Breathlessness is +another notable sign; the least exertion, going upstairs for instance, +causes the sufferer to pant, because the heart, not being supplied with +blood of good quality, cannot perform its work properly. The pulse is +weak and irregular._ + + _For ANAEMIA (shown by breathlessness on slight exertion, pallor, + depression and weakness) Doctors prescribe the well-known Iron + Jelloids No. 2.--there is nothing better._ + + _For DEBILITY, WEAKNESS and NERVINESS, Men find the Ideal Tonic + and Restorative in Iron Jelloids No. 2A._ + + +_A Ten Days Treatment (price 1/3) will convince you._ + +[Illustration: Iron 'Jelloids' +(_Pronounced Jell-Lloyds._)] + + Reliable Tonic for Men Iron Jelloids No. 2A. + For Anaemia in Men and Women Iron Jelloids No. 2. + For Growing Children Iron Jelloids No. 1. + +_Of all Chemists. A Ten Days Treatment 1/3. Large size 3/-_ + + +_Manufactured by The Iron Jelloid Co., Ltd., 189, Central Street, +London E.C.1. England._ + + + + + A HUMOROUS + HISTORY OF ENGLAND + + + + + TOLD AND PICTURED + by + C. HARRISON + + + Published by + WARRICK & BIRD, + 4, Nile Street, London, N.1. + 1920. + + + + +[Illustration: An After-Dinner Speech in Ye Olden Time. +(And any other Time.)] + + + + +[Illustration: BOADICEA.] + + + Preface _"Arms and the man" was Virgil's strain; + But we propose in lighter vein + To browse a crop from pastures (Green's) + Of England's Evolution scenes. + Who would from facts prognosticate + The future progress of this State, + Must own the chiefest fact to be + Her escalator is the Sea._ + +[Illustration: "Take cover"] + + Prehistoric Historians erudite and sage, + When writing of the past stone age, + Tell us man once was clothed in skins + And tattooed patterns on his shins. + Rough bearded and with shaggy locks + He lived in dug-outs in the rocks. + Was often scared and run to earth + By creatures of abnormal girth: + Mammoths and monsters; truth to tell + We find their names too long to spell. + He joined in little feuds no doubt; + And with his weapons fashioned out + Of flint, went boldly to the fray; + And cracked a skull or two per day. + + Druids We read of priests of Celtic day, + Ancient Druids, holding sway + By smattering of Occult law + And man's eternal sense of awe. + Stonehenge They used Stonehenge on Salisbury Plain + Reputed Prehistoric Fane; + Note each megalithic boulder; + No Monument in Europe's older. + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration: "Veni, Vidi, Vici"] + + Phoenicians Merchant explorers of that day, + Hustling Phoenicians, came this way + To ship tin ore from Cornish mines + Three thousand years before these lines. + But still in spite of petty strife + Man lived what's termed the 'simple life' + Julius Caesar Till Julius Caesar in five-five + B.C. 55 With his galleys did arrive. + He wrote despatches of the best, + 'Veni, Vidi' and the rest, + Sending the news of victory home; + And flags then fluttered high in Rome. + His 'photo' one plain fact discloses + He brought in fashion Roman noses. + Of this great General 'tis allowed + The best 'Life' is by J. A. Froude. + Boadicea Boadicea earns our praise. + A.D. 62 First woman leader in those days; + For Freedom strove all she could do, + 'Twas lost in A.D. sixty-two. + Agricola Then came Agricola one day + And gained a battle near the Tay. + He started trimming up this isle, + And laid out roads in Roman style. + East, North, South, West, it's safe to say + His handiwork is traced to-day. + The Natives too were taught to know + By busy merchants' constant flow + The wisdom that great Empire held; + Their ignorance was thus dispelled. + Romans left About four hundred-ten A.D. + A.D. 410 The Romans left sans ceremonie. + Can it be wondered at when Rome + Was needing help 'gainst Huns at home. + Our antiquarians often find + The relics which they left behind; + A Villa here and pavement there, + Coins galore and Roman ware. + +[Illustration] + + Anglo-Saxons And so we run our flippant rhymes + A.D. 430 Right on to Anglo-Saxon times. + Hengist and Horsa with their men + Came from their Jutish pirate den, + Jutes And paid us visits in their ships + Bent on their ruthless looting trips. + And Angles landing in the Humber + Gave that district little slumber. + They plundered morning, noon, and night, + Were rough, uncouth, and impolite, + No 'By your leave' or 'S'il vous plait' + They came to rob, remained to prey. + Horsa Horsa was slain in four-five-five, + 455 Leaving Hengist still alive + To live out his allotted term, + Surviving partner of the Firm. + King Arthur Time has many a fable wound + About King Arthur's table round, + Where Knights quaffed cordials, wines and ales, + And told their little fairy tales. + Augustine About six hundred years A.D. + 597 To teach us Christianity + Came Augustine. Wondrous Story; + Canterbury's Pile his glory. + Heptarchy Called 'Heptarchy' the seven Saxon + 827 States each other made attacks on; + After four hundred years they'd striven + They coalesced in eight-two-seven. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic] + + Alfred Of good King Alfred we've all heard + 872-901 How when hiding he incurred + A lady's anger for not taking + Care of Cakes which she was baking. + (Most probably she left the King + While she went out a-gossiping.) + Before he died in nine-nought-one, + Old England's Navy had begun. + He laid a tax on every town + To aid his fleet to gain renown. + He was the best of Saxon Kings + And did a lot of useful things; + Built Oxford with its noble spires + And mapped out England into Shires. + + Danes In seven-eight-three first came the Danes + 783 Who caused the Saxons aches and pains. + They sailed right up our rivers broad, + Putting the natives to the sword. + "Danegeld" For centuries our sadly fated + 991 Towns by them were devastated. + Etheldred the 'Unready Toff' + By 'Danegeld' tries to buy them off. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic] + + Canute Two hundred years the raiding Danes + 1014-1036 Came over. Then their Canute reigns. + We'll merely mention that he tried + An object lesson with the tide. + Hardicanute Hardicanute, sad to confess, + 1039-1041 Died from drinking to excess. + He couldn't conquer love of wine + And with him went the Danish line. + + Edward Edward the Confessor staid + the Confessor The Saxon line renewed. Remade + 1041-1066 At Westminster the Abbey grand, + And signed the first 'Will' in this land. + And since his time ('tis not refuted) + Scores of Wills have been disputed. + Ah! legal quibbles such as these + Mean Lawyers waxing rich on fees. + + Harold Harold last of the Saxon line + 1066 At Hastings made an effort fine + And lost his life--it was to be, + Crushed by the men of Normandy. + From Scandinavia they'd come, + And made fair Normandy their home; + William the Whence William spying out our shore, + Conqueror Oliver-Twist-like, wanted more. + 1066-1087 In ten-six-six he won the day + In that tough fight out Hastings way. + Of course, no record in our reach, + Depicts 'ole Bill' thus on the beach. + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic + +GOODE NYGHTE] + + William the But one thing's certain. Camera men, + Conqueror If only they'd existed then, + 1066-1087 Would have journeyed many a mile + To 'snap' King William's happy smile. + They made him King and schoolbooks say + He ruled with arbitrary sway; + Demanding with sharp battle axes + Instant payment of big taxes. + Curfew And p'raps it's just as well to tell + He introduced the Curfew Bell; + So at the early hour of eight + Each doused his glim, raked out his grate. + In bed at eight P.M. each day + Life was but sombre, dull and grey; + No cutting fancy ball room capers, + No Cinemas or evening papers. + He was a bully it is true, + But to allow him his just due + He made reforms; he also took + In hand the bulky Doomsday book. + + In William's time we're glad to write + People began to be polite; + Ladies curtseyed to their beaux, + Who smartly raised their gay chapeaux. + The Jews The Jews he introduced from Spain + Bringing much knowledge in their train + Of Arts and Science; but 'Longshanks' + Expelled them with no word of thanks. + Feudalism These were the well known Feudal days, + Tenants were slaves in many ways + To mighty Lords who owned the land + And ruled them with an iron hand. + Not free from duties were the Lords, + The King could call upon their swords + And men to fight in time of need. + So feudal laws of old decreed. + + William Rufus William Rufus or the 'Red' + 1087-1100 In ten-eight-seven ruled instead; + This may be; but we know, alack, + Though he was red his deeds were black. + Crusades The first Crusade in ten-nine-five, + 1095 A million men, a very hive, + Swarm to the East, the Holy plain + From the Mohammedans to gain. + + Henry I. Henry the First, of wisdom rife, + 1100-1135 Saxon Matilda makes his wife, + Saxon and Norman line uniting, + A learned chap who loved not fighting. + + Stephen Stephen of Blois ascends the throne + 1135-115 And 'gainst Matilda holds his own; + Grandson of the Conqueror; + Died in eleven-fifty-four. + + Henry II. Henry the Second claims our rhyme + 1154-1189 'The hardest worker of his time'; + A wiser King we never had + Nor father with his sons so bad. + Becket This the first 'Plantagenet' King + With Becket strove like anything; + Church v. Which should be Master, Church or Crown + Crown Pull-King Pull-Bishop; both went down. + Thomas was murdered by four Knights + On steps of Altar--Sorry wights: + With bleeding feet the King atones + By pilgrimage to Becket's bones. + Despite his struggles with the Church + He knocked the barons off their perch, + Fifteen hundred Castles razing + In a manner quite amazing. + Law Trial by jury further grows; + The King's Court in this reign arose; + Our Parliaments from this proceed + And all our other Courts indeed. + Linen Linen's first used in twelve-five + Woollens alone in vogue before. + Glass Windows In eleven-eight-nought first came to pass + The novelty of window glass. + And doubtless playful little boys + Full of children's simple joys, + Cracked as our youngsters often do + With stones or ball a pane or two. + Richard Coeur de Lion from one Crusade + Coeur de Lion Returning was a prisoner made. + 1189-1199 But Blondel played an Air he knew, + The King joined in; Voila the clue. + This catchy tune in a pleasant key + Opened the door to liberty. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic] + + John And so we'll quickly journey on + 1199-1216 Until we reach the reign of John; + A King whose list of crimes was heavy; + He treated badly his young 'Nevvy'. + Magna Charta He signed the Magna Charta. Yes; + 1215 In twelve-fifteen, but we may guess + With much ill grace and many a twist; + For King John wrote an awful fist. + John loses Normandy to France + And by this beneficial chance + In England comes amalgamation; + Normans and Saxons form one Nation + Robin Hood And now we come to Robin Hood, + The Forest bandit of Sherwood, + A popular hero much belauded + But not by folks whom he'd defrauded. + There's no need to descant upon + His boon companion 'Little John'; + Or 'Friar Tuck' so overblown + He tipped the scale at fifteen stone. + + Henry III. And what of Henry number Three, + 1216-1272 The King who suffered poverty? + It's very awkward we must own + To be 'hard up' when on a Throne; + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic] + + To have to scrape up an amount + To pay the butcher on account, + Or ask a dun in Kingly way + To kindly call some other day. + Coinage In twelve-five-seven it is stated + 1257 Gold was coined and circulated, + Ha'pence and farthings just before; + In those times worth a great deal more. + Langton The Bible which from over seas + Died 1228 Had no chapters and no verses + Was by Archbishop Langton's skill + Divided as we use it still. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic] + + Why was it Henry III. allowed + At court a huge rapacious crowd + To drain his coffers nearly dry + Flattering with cajolery? + +[Illustration: Alle fees in advance +Earlye closinge daye Thursdaye] + + Astrology Many simple folk, (it's queer) + Used to patronise the seer + And pay cash down for magic spell + Perchance a Horoscope as well. + Or open wide at special rate + That musty tome the Book of Fate; + Or seek the Philtre's subtle aid + To win the hand of some fair maid. + We mus'nt miss the Troubadours + Who went forth on their singing tours, + Twanging harps and trilling lays + To maids of medieval days. + And Oh! the right good merry times + With Maskers, Mummers and the Mimes, + Hobby horses gaily prancing, + Bats and Bowls and Maypole dancing. + When folks would take a lengthy journey + To see the Knights at Joust or Tourney: + Or watch the early English 'Knuts' + Show their skill at Archery butts. + Then come gloomy History pages + On torture of the Middle ages; + The clanking fetters grim and black, + The thumbscrew and the awful rack, + The horrors of the dungeon deep + Beneath the moat or castle keep, + Rusty locks and heavy keys + And--let us change the subject, please. + First House of Commons twelve-six-five, + At Westminster they all arrive. + Simon de Simon de Montfort was the man + Montfort Who 'engineered' this useful plan. + 1265 And we can picture these M.P.s + Newly fledged and ill at ease + Doing their level best to try + To catch the embryo speaker's eye. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic] + + Edward I. Edward First 'Longshanks' nicknamed + 1272-1307 For his lengthy stride far-famed. + Here he is in twelve-seven-two + Bounding along with much ado. + A Soldier, Statesman and a King + His lofty ideals picturing + That England, Scotland, Wales all three, + United should one country be. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic] + + First Prince In twelve-eight-two annexes Wales; + of Wales Where afterwards no strife prevails. + 1282 He promised a Prince with English + So gave his new-born speechless son. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic] + + Edward I. Next Scotland Edward tries to tackle + 1272-1307 No easy task the Scotch to shackle; + (continued) Wallace and Bruce resistance make, + The King dies ere he gains the stake. + In Edward's reign some author writes + They first used candle dips for lights; + And coal came in about this date + Mixed (as to-day) with lots of slate. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS] + + So Monarchs, Barons, Dukes and Knights + Warmed their toes with Derby Brights; + But those in hovels had the smuts + Arising from cheap Kitchen Nuts. + Roger Bacon Roger Bacon (ob. twelve-nine-three) + 1293 Versed was in arts of alchemy; + Gunpowder's composition knew; + And many another chemic brew. + Many Mortmain Acts are passed; + Six centuries these efforts last + To stop the hungry Hierarchy + Devouring all the Squirearchy. + Lollards Lollards in thirteen-seven arose + 1307 Popish rituals to oppose; + John Wycliffe gives to old and young + The Bible in the vulgar tongue. + With John of Gaunt's protection strong + He dared to preach 'gainst cleric wrong; + Precursor of the Reformation + To liberal thought attuned the nation. + + Edward II. Edward the Second with his minions + 1307-1327 Governs badly these dominions + His son a man of different mould + Edward III. Was Edward Three, both wise and bold. + 1327-1377 Through clinging to their French domains + Our Kings are French through many reigns + And Edward fighting in this cause + French Wars Commenced a hundred years of Wars. + A century's struggle. For our pains + Only Calais town remains. + A century after this 'twas lost, + In Mary's reign. Oh! what a frost. + Weaving In thirteen-three-one England's taught + 1331 Weaving by men from Flanders brought. + Ryghte goode cloth with lots of 'body' + The world was then not up to 'shoddy.' + Blanket of Bristol in this year + Invented blankets for our cheer; + And since that time its been our boast + Our beds have been as warm as toast. + Edward 'Black Prince' One-three-four-six, + A brave and noble warrior, 'licks' + Crecy The valiant French in Crecy's fray; + 1346 Cannon first used upon this day, + Causing panic with their rattle; + But the Yeomen win the battle, + For, flicking arrows from their bows + They 'filled the air as when it snows.' + Thereon the English Calais seize + And of the channel hold the keys; + The Spanish pirates bend the knee + Then Edward III's 'King of the sea.' + Parliament Lords and Commons from this date + 1376 Have their meetings separate, + The Commons first a Speaker make + The Chancellors the Woolsack take. + Ten lady members have the Lords + But doubtless fearful of their words, + Or thinking it not orthodoxy, + They only let them vote by proxy. + While Church and Barons have their squabbles + The House of Commons more power nobbles; + On laws and taxes dares speak out + And give the Pope the right-about. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic + +KINGE RYCHARD Ye II QUARRELINGE WITHE HYSSE PEOPLE] + + Leasing Leasing or Farming, we are taught, + Was introduced 'bout twelve-nought-nought; + The Feudal system's weakened and + The Tenants 'usufruct' the land. + On various counts the serfs go free + And work for wages (Edward Three). + The Black Death and the foreign wars + In labour ranks commotion cause; + Strikes and craftsmen's combination + Then arise among the nation; + These movements preached by one John Ball, + Who, born too soon, was hanged withal. + + Richard II. Now comes the Second Richard's reign. + 1377-1399 It is recorded very plain + That he was full of discontent + Quarrelling with his Parliament. + +[Illustration: "BY MY HALIDOM I'LL NOT PAY IT"] + + Poll Tax With his taxes super-sated + 1380 The peasants grew exasperated; + They threw their spades and pitchforks down + And marched as rebels into town. + Thirteen-eighty's Poll taxation + Puts equal tax on all the nation; + Lays seven thousand peasants dead; + Wat Tyler and Jack Straw at head. + Praemunire Praemunire Act is passed + To check the Papal Bulls at last. + Chaucer Chaucer the Poet this same year + Makes Pilgrimage to Becket's bier. + +[Illustration: FORTES FORTUNA JUVAT. + +IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic] + + Age of This was the age, aye verily, + Chivalry Of ryghte goode noble chivalry, + When Knights went forth through storm and stress + To rescue beauty in distress. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic.] + + Or sallied out in valiant way + A monster dragon for to slay, + Or with lance or trusty blade + Defend from harm the hapless maid. + + Henry IV. Henry Four, called 'Bolingbroke' + 1399-1413 In Richard's wheel puts many a spoke; + Compels him to resign the throne + Which thereupon he makes his own. + Through John of Gaunt, Lancastrian famed, + His title to the crown he claimed; + The Parliament confirms his right + And thus he's king without a fight. + In this reign persecution's turned + Lollards Against the Lollards--Cobham's burned. + 1401 Incredible! The records show + A statute 'de Comburondo.' + + Henry V. From fourteen-thirteen, Henry Five, + 1413-1422 For many years with France did strive; + His Widow founds the Tudor House + By taking Owen for her spouse. + + Henry VI. Henry Six, next in our rhymes, + 1422-1461 For fifty years had troublous times; + Wars of Roses, Wars with France, + The poor man never had a chance. + Joan of Arc Joan of Arc the peasant Maid + 1430 Inspired the French with Mystic aid; + Disunited, we make peace, + All France but Calais we release. + Constantinople Constantinople's seized by Turks + 1453 Causing Greek Scholars (with their works) + To fly to Italy; and thence + Learning's reborn--'The Renaissance.' + + Edward IV. In Edward Fourth, fourteen-six-one + 1461-1483 The House of York obtains the Throne. + He wins at Towton's bloody fray, + No quarter given on that day. + Guy, Earl of Warwick in these frays + Was always turning different ways; + Barnet On Barnet Field he met his doom + 1471 The Rose of York's now well abloom. + The Barons, Church and Commons fall, + The King emerges Boss of all. + Benevolences he exacts, + An early form of Super Tax. + Earl of 'Kingmaker' was Earl Warwick styled + Warwick With his manner scarcely mild + He set Kings up and bowled them down + Playing at ninepins with the Crown. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic] + + Wars of Roses White and Red Rose warring madly + 1485 Bled the country very sadly, + Three-and-thirty years contending; + At Bosworth Field we see the ending. + Printing First in fourteen-seventy-three + 1473 We print from type in this Countree. + Now it is that time's first measured + By monster watches greatly treasured. + Thomas Parr this centurie + His hundred-fifty years did see; + But Henry Jenkins, so 'tis said, + In age was seventeen years ahead. + Hoary patriarchs were these + Retaining p'raps their faculties; + What a comfort 'tis to mention + Neither drew the old age pension. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic + +Ye Bookeworme Burninge ye Midnyghte Oile] + + Printing started through the Nation + A taste for higher education; + Here is a citizen at home; + Note his very brainy Dome. + + Richard III. Richard (Crookback) in fateful hour + 1483-1485 Smothered his nephews in the Tower, + He murdered them the Crown to gain; + A heavy price for three years' reign. + The Scutcheon's blotted terribly + Of this King Richard number Three, + For it seems his recreation + Was ordering decapitation. + 1485 On Bosworth Field when sorely pressed + He made a bid th'uncommonest + 'My kingdom for a horse' he cried; + No offers coming, there he died. + + Henry VII. Lancastrian Richmond wins the fight + 1485-1509 And to make his title right + Elizabeth of York espouses, + Thus uniting the two Houses. + This Henry Seven of Tudor line + To misers' habits did incline; + Twelve millions stated to possess, + A tidy little fortune! Yes! + Star Chamber Much he managed to extort + By means of a Star Chamber Court + From the rich nobles; A new wile + For adding to the kingly pile. + With cash in hand he could attain + His wish as Autocrat to reign; + As sole possessor of the guns + The King no risk from rebels runs. + +[Illustration: SKYSCRAPE FLATS TO BE ERECTED HERE + +BUY HUSTLES CHEWING GUM + +FIFTH AVENUE + +IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic] + + Columbus Columbus, full of travellers' lore, + 1498 By going West sought India's shore; + But found America's wondrous land; + His 'exes' paid by Ferdinand. + Of voyagers we've now a lot + Vasco da Gama and Cabot, + Who sailed from Bristol, whence it grew + Bristolians claim this fine cuckoo. + +[Illustration: Henry VIII Pops the Question] + + Henry VIII. Now Henry Eight comes on the screen, + 1509-1547 A stalwart youth, aetat. eighteen; + With youthful hope the nation's buoyed; + Only, alas! to be destroyed. + +[Illustration: Henry ye eighth Thynkynge offe ye Past] + + Henry VIII. This King Henry number Eight + 1509-1547 Six times tried the married state; + (continued) And certainly of all the Kings + Spent the most on wedding rings. + But to search through old Archives + For tales of Henry and his wives + And all their little tiffs to trace + We cannot spare the time or space. + Yet there are some who fain would sing + The praises of this rotund King; + But as a husband we're afraid + His category's lowest grade. + He wielded harsh the despot's power, + And packed his wives off to the Tower; + Consigned them to a fate most dreaded; + Two, alas! he had beheaded. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic + +_HAIL NOW TO THEE OUR GOOD QUEEN BESS!_] + + Henry VIII. + (continued) + + Reformation Martin Luther, fifteen-one-seven, + 1517 Sows his Reformation leaven; + It finds a culture medium here + In the 'New Learning's' atmosphere. + Of this New Learning More's the chief, + Utopia's Author, He's 'mid grief + Beheaded, saying cool and calm, + 'Cut not my beard, that's done no harm.' + His friend Erasmus, Logic's Master, + Trimmed his sails and 'scaped disaster. + A third, Dean Colet who St. Paul's + School London into being calls. + Wolsey In fifteen-thirty Wolsey great, + 1530 A Cardinal and Man of State, + From Butcher's son had risen high. + Reader! consult your Shakespeare nigh. + Blamed by some; by others praised; + He fell; but still the pile he raised + Most nobly graces Hampton Court. + Give Wolsey then a tender thought. + His main ambition that the King + Should be supreme in everything; + Thomas And Thomas Cromwell followed suit + Cromwell To make his master absolute + Head of the Church within his realm. + These two most able at the helm; + But not with skill enough endued + To 'scape their King's ingratitude. + Despotical the King's power grew. + He's England's Pope by Act of Su- + Premacy; as, to gain divorce, + The foreign Pope is banned perforce. + 1537 Now Bluff King Harry gives the Monks + A series of most awful funks; + Three thousand odd of their domains + He 'collars' for his Courtiers' gains. + + Edward VI. Edward Six to the throne succeeds + 1547-1553 A pious youth of goodly deeds; + One, well known in the Capital, + The Blue Coat School (Christ's Hospital). + + Mary Queen Mary One, in Smithfield Square, + 1553-1558 At Oxford, Gloucester and elsewhere, + Burned poor Martyrs by the score; + The Romish faith she would restore. + + Elizabeth Hail now to thee our good Queen Bess, + 1558-1603 Garbed in the puffed and padded dress, + Farthingale and starched up frills, + Meaning heavy laundry bills. + Od's Bodikins; what monstrous ruffs, + What gowns of rich embroidered stuffs + Piped and scolloped, trimmed with furs, + And shaped like huge gasometers. + Now we've warfare of the Creeds, + For their thoughts all Europe bleeds; + Each party seeks by force to make + The other side its faith forsake. + Spain the Great Power of those days + In these contentions first part plays. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic + +PLYMOUTH HOE BOWLING CLUB] + + Drake Drake at bowls on Plymouth Hoe + Left his game to meet this foe + And came home laden we are told + With seachests full of Spanish gold. + Armada In fifteen-eight-eight Armada strong + 1588 From Spain to squash us comes along; + Which Howard, Frobisher and Drake + And stormy weather overtake. + +[Illustration: GLOBE THEATRE TONYGHTE +Ye TRAGEDYE OFFE HAMLETTE +BY WILLIAM SHAKSPERE. + +IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic] + + Shakespeare And in these epoch making days + 1564-1616 Shakespeare wrote and staged his plays; + Weaving a thread whose magic strands + Entwine all English-speaking lands. + Fifteen-eight-seven Scots' Queen Mary + Lost her head through fate contrary. + When Henry Eight had robbed the Church + 'Twas found the poor were in the lurch; + Poor Law A law was passed about this date + To place the poor upon the rate. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic] + + Sir Walter Sir Walter Raleigh, best of Knights, + Raleigh The first to taste the keen delights + 1552-1618 Of the enchantress so serene, + The Ryghte Goode Ladye Nicotine. + No information's yet to hand + Concerning Raleigh's favourite brand; + Tobacco Was it coarse-cut shag which burns + The tongue, or birdseye or returns? + +[Illustration] + + Queen Good Queen Bess we understand + Elizabeth Had crowds of suitors for her hand; + And here we beg to give a view + Of suitors waiting in a queue. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic] + + Queen As time rolled on this Good Queen Bess + Elizabeth Lost somewhat of her sprightliness; + (continued) She got into a nervous state + Was mopish and disconsolate. + Now, as everyone will own, + Had 'Iron Jelloids' been but known + In Bess's time; why, it's conceded + 'Twas just the Tonic that she needed. + East India The great 'John Comp'ny' now began + Company Its fine career without a plan. + 1600 Great! The Elizabethan Age. + In History's book a glorious page. + +[Illustration] + + Somewhere or other we've heard snuff + Came in the days of frill and ruff; + And here's a noble ill at ease + Giving the first recorded sneeze. + + James I. James Six of Scotland, miscalled a 'fule' + 1603-1625 As James One of England comes to rule. + Gramercy! 'tis a canny thing + To be a 'double-barrelled' King. + The son of Mary Queen of Scots + Of learning he had lots and lots, + Writing sundry ponderous books + 'Gainst 'bacca, witches and their spooks. + James thought his kingly power divine + And, loathing Puritanic 'whine,' + He vowed to make them all comply + Or else he'd 'know the reason why.' + Pilgrim Fathers His persecution to escape + 1620 Some Zealots in the 'Mayflower' shape + Their course for an uncharted world + Where Freedom's Flag could be unfurled. + These 'Pilgrim Fathers' found a state + 'New England,' blessed with happy fate. + Folks have called the first King James + Most uncomplimentary names; + To wit 'a sloven' and 'a glutton'; + Perhaps his weakness was Scotch Mutton. + And as to gluttony, 'Gadzooks'! + If what we read in History books + Is true, they all were trenchermen; + There were no diet faddists then. + It startles us, one must declare, + To read their breakfast bill of fare; + All 'Kynes' of ale, some highly spiced + And divers meats, roast, boiled and sliced. + In James' reign a man could get + For money down a coronet + And titles with the greatest ease + Like folks to-day buy soap and cheese. + Harvey Yet a learned time; for Harvey shows + That blood's not stagnant, but it flows; + Lord Bacon 'Experiment!' Lord Bacon cries + 'There is no progress otherwise.' + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic + +MODEL OF THE NOTORIOUS GUY FAWKES +WHICH HOWEVER IS NOT CONSIDERED +HISTORICALLY ACCURATE] + + 5th November Of troubles James had quite a lot, + 1605 For instance the Gunpowder Plot. + It fizzled out but left to-day + A liking for Firework display. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic + +THE FIRST CRACKER] + + So rockets with their sweeping curves, + Crackers which upset the nerves + And squibs with their infernal din + To this date owe their origin. + + Charles I. His son Charles One we understand + 1625-1649 Ruled England with a grasping hand; + For he was never loth to levy + Taxes burdensome and heavy. + He moved in an expensive set, + Was always heavily in debt; + In fact this monarch with his frills + Was snowed up to the neck with bills. + He was courtly, graceful, distingue, + And when the scaffold came his way + 'He nothing common did or mean + Upon that memorable scene.' + He had a very taking way + And made his taxed up subjects pay; + And over taxing it is said + This Monarch fairly lost his head. + Petition of The 'Petition of Right' a famous Act, + Right--1628 The Commons from the King exact; + Giving the subject on his own + A remedy against the throne. + First In sixteen-hundred-twenty-one + Newspaper Our first news-sheet began its run; + 1621 For twenty years 'twas going strong + Then the first Censor came along. + This journal cribbing from the Dutch + Lacked the smart journalistic touch; + And also photographic views, + 'Sporting pars' and 'Stop-press News.' + +[Illustration: The Great Struggle in Charles' Time. +King Trying to get Money from Taxpayer. +Creditor Trying to get Money from King] + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic + +_THAT QUIET MAN, KNOWN AS THE EARLY PURITAN._] + + Cotton Cotton first came from India's shore + 1630 In sixteen-thirty, less or more; + Where for three thousand years it grew, + Also in Egypt and Peru. + Grim reading is the note confessing + Gangs went out for Navy pressing, + Forcing many a timid knave + To spend his life on ocean wave. + Ship Money Charles raises the ship money tax; + 1636 He thought he only had to 'ax'; + When Hampden strenuously objected, + The King was very much affected. + Strafford Earl Strafford ('Thorough') in his pride + 1641 'The King shall rule the Commons' cried; + The Commons would not brook such stuff + And cut his head off. 'Quantum Suff.' + The 'Grand Remonstrance' is put forth + By the Commons who are wrath + With the King's despotic ways + Quite unsuited to these days. + The King tries hard to put in jail + Five Members but without avail; + Hollis, Strode, Haslerig and Pym + And Hampden (we must mention him); + They're guarded from the Royal hands + By Watermen and City Bands. + The 'die is cast' and Civil War + For seven long years the Nation tore. + + Civil Wars Cromwell greatest of the foemen + 1642-1648 With his faithful English Yeomen; + These 'Roundheads' sober, grim, religious + To 'Cavaliers' gave blows prodigious. + Their character's seen in the cry + 'Trust God and keep your powder dry.' + Naseby The Cavaliers and Roundheads fought + 1645 In many a field, 'till Naseby brought + To Generals Cromwell and Fairfax + A crowning victory, though not 'pax.' + The King's beheaded, but the State + Experiences no headless fate; + A commonwealth's forthwith proclaimed + And Cromwell's soon Protector named. + Dunbar In sixteen-fifty Dunbar sees + 1650 The Royal Scots brought to their knees; + Worcester And in the second Worcester fight + 1651 Cromwell for good asserts his might. + And there are those who love to tell + About that day at Boscobel + When Charles the Second's Majestye + Found itself doubly 'up a tree.' + And now we meet that quiet man + Known as the early Puritan; + Mild and placid in his talk, + Calm and measured in his walk. + +[Illustration: "PAINT ME WARTS AND ALL" + +IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic] + + Commonwealth Oliver Cromwell bluff and bold, + 1649-1660 Was cast in Nature's sternest mould, + Lacking maybe the courtly grace + And proud of warts upon his face. + He fought the Irish and the Scotch + And with his navy beat the Dutch + Let all his faults condoned be, + He kept us up on land and sea. + +[Illustration: "TAKE AWAY THAT BAUBLE" + +IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic] + + Commonwealth He seemed to like bold argument + (continued) And wordy wars with Parliament; + He made things lively we infer + Frequently at Westminster. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic] + + With M.P.s he had many a bout + And one day cleared the whole lot out; + Locked the door and took the key; + Those not the days of 'Wait and See.' + + Charles II. Cromwell's death brings Restoration + 1660-1685 And Charles Two lands 'mid acclamation. + After his leaps from twig to twig + He now has 'Otium cum Dig.' + In merry Charles the Second's age + Woman first acted on the stage; + The King encouraged much this vogue + He was a pleasure seeking rogue. + 'He never said a foolish thing, + Nor did a wise one'; this the King + Countered with 'My words my own + My acts my ministers' alone'; + 1662 In sixteen-six-two year of grace, + Charles taxed every fire-place; + And citizens who couldn't pay + Shivered and grumbled as to-day. + These were the times of Musketeers + And proud and dashing Cavaliers; + When words were few and tempers hot + And duels fought out on the spot. + + John Bunyan The tinker preacher Bunyan wrote + The 'Pilgrim's Progress' we still quote, + The prison bars no barrier wrought + To lowly Bunyan's lofty thought. + Milton In stately language Milton's muse + 1678 The Bible story doth diffuse; + From 'Paradise Lost' we get our view + Of Adam and Eve and Satan too. + The Reverend Titus Oates, a scamp, + Egregious Popish plots did vamp, + Lied roundly for dishonest gains, + Got Cat-o'-nine-tails for his pains. + Habeas Corpus The 'Habeas Corpus' best of laws + 1679 Shields us from prison without cause; + 'Twas passed in sixteen-seventy-nine, + And means 'Produce him here,' in fine. + Van Tromp Admiral Van Tromp, Dutchman bold, + With broom at masthead, so 'tis told, + The Channel sailed, suggesting he's + Swept all the English from the seas. + Blake But Blake laughed loud and spread his sails + Nought the Dutchman now avails; + For he got an awful shocker + Right to Davy Jones' locker. + But though the Dutch failed to invade, + They were not disinclined to trade; + So we get 'Hollands,' cheese and hams + Fresh from the land of Dykes and Dams. + Peace of Breda For fifteen years these Navies fought, + 1667 'Till sixteen-six-seven respite brought; + The Peace of Breda then succeeded; + New York to England was conceded. + Plague In sixty-five the Plague appears + Fire of London And then the Fire; two awful years + 1665-1666 For London--And if more you'd know + Consult the Pages of Defoe. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic + +_QUEEN ANNE AND THE DUKE OF MARLBOROUGH._] + + James II. When Charles Two died his brother James + 1685-1688 Soon put the country into flames; + Papistry he would advance, + And for that purpose leagued with France. + In sixteen-eight-eight his bigot zeal + Religious Test Act would repeal; + Seven bold Bishops who defied + To the Tower were sent and tried. + The country raised a hue and cry + So off to France the King doth fly. + + William III. His place is filled by William Three + 1689-1702 His son-in-law from Dutch countree. + This Orange sprig most brave of men + With Mary reigns and all things then + Went well with us. Macaulay's page + Hails him as Hero of the age. + In this reign of William Three, + Laws were harsh 'gainst burglary; + For they'd a very drastic way + And hanged the 'Bill Sykes' of that day. + National Debt In sixteen-nine-four we have heard + 1694 The National Debt was first incurred; + To careful folk who would invest + 'Twas not devoid of interest. + Another National Debt we owe + To Iron Jelloids which the foe + Depression's worries keep at bay + And drive our nervous fears away. + Bill of Rights The 'Bill of Rights,' a Charter grand, + 1689 In sixteen-eight-nine frees this land + From all encroachments of the Crown + Hoi Polloi are no longer down. + + Queen Anne Good Queen Anne we know is dead; + 1702-1714 She reigned twelve years but it is said + 'Mrs. Morley,' Marlborough's wife + Ruled her more than half her life. + Marlborough This was the Duke of Marlborough's day, + Who beat the French in every fray; + Known for his famous victories + At Blenheim and at Ramillies. + In seventeen-seven by statute passed + English and Scotch unite at last; + 'One coinage and one Parliament' + Both Nations ever since content. + About this time, so runs the story, + Much is heard of 'Whig and Tory'; + And shortly after there was rife + Many a sign of party strife. + Dr. Watts Good Dr. Watts' moral lays + 1674-1748 Were much reputed in these days; + And still we lisp at Mother's knee + 'How doth the little Busy Bee.' + Pope Pope, letter-writer and great poet, + 1688-1744 Most quotable of all (ye know it), + At Twickenham penned his caustic verse + Epigrammatic, smooth and terse. + + George I. The House of Stuart being ended, + 1714-1727 George of Hanover (descended + From daughter of King Jamie One) + Comes over to ascend our throne. + Of English George knew not a word, + Most awkward, not to say absurd, + At Cabinet Councils to preside; + So from this time the practice died. + + George II. His son George Two succeeding then + 1727-1760 In person fought at Dettingen. + Both these Kings had various fights + In Scotland with the Jacobites. + William Tull brings in Post Chaises; + Now the people ride like 'blazes.'; + Many can't for they're in trouble, + Ruined by the South Sea Bubble. + Wesleys John and Charles Wesley, men of mind, + 1703-1791 Revive Religion in Mankind. + Founding a Church both broad and low, + One-seven-three-nought A. Domini. + Beginning as an office clerk, + Clive As soldier Clive soon made his mark, + 1746 And conquered India for this Nation; + Self 'stounded at his moderation. + Bridgwater, Gilbert, Brindley, three + Great Engineers this Centurie, + Canals Useful canals in England made, + The flowing arteries of trade. + Quebec General Wolfe seventeen-five-nine + 1759 Captures Quebec--a victory fine, + And Canada's the splendid prize + For old 'John Bull' to colonise. + + George III. And now of Georgey number Three: + 1760-1820 Ut mulus obstinatus he + Had full sixty years of reign + And a big family to train. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic + +_GEORGIAN TIMES._] + + Georgian We will but very lightly scan + Times The customs known as 'Georgian'; + The times of powdered Belles and Beaux; + Patches, paint and furbelows; + Of beauteous maids and gallants gay + And merry routs at Ranelagh; + Gaming parties, cards or pool + And 'Fops' of the Beau Brummel School. + +[Illustration: "ODDS FAITH THEY SAY THERE'S IRON IN IT" + +IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic] + + When rank and fashion History tells + All took their cures among the Wells; + And sipped in manner hesitating + Daily doses nauseating. + But we know better how to act + Our cures we purchase more compact + For in the Chemists' you can see + 'Iron Jelloids' priced at 'One and Three.' + Lord 'Periwig' and gay 'Fallal' + In Sedan Chairs frequent the Mall. + 'Taxis' and 'Tubes' we beg to state + Came in at a much later date. + When Brummel, the historic Beau, + Made laws for dress and outward show; + Whose vests were poems, whose coats were dreams + Of gorgeous beauty, so it seems; + Who figured in the public gaze + A 'Star turn' with his courtly ways; + Who fixed the style of a cravat, + Lord of Appeal anent a hat. + And My Lord Chesterfield was quite + The model of the most polite + Wrote famous letters. It's a shame, + A settee has usurped his name. + Dr. Johnson And Dr. Johnson at his ease + 1709-1784 Sipped his tea at the 'Cheshire Cheese,' + Or at the 'Mitre' of renown, + Spreading his wit throughout the Town. + Garrick When Garrick as the 'Moody Dane' + Drew the Town to Drury Lane, + Mrs. Siddons Sarah Siddons was all the rage + Tragedy Queen of every age. + Highwaymen armed to the teeth + Waited for prey on Hounslow Heath; + Per contra the Highwayman's pate + Was oft strung up at Tyburn Gate. + Capt. Cook It's only right a History book + 1728-1779 Should mark the feats of Captain Cook; + So jot it down in these our Rhymes + That round the World he sailed three times. + Inventions These are the days of much invention + 1767 The 'Spinning Jenny' we will mention; + The 'Cotton Mule' and 'Power Loom'; + For Authors' names there's lack of room. + Adam Smith In his book 'The Wealth of Nations' + 1766 Adam Smith shows the relations + Governing the Art of Trading; + With influences far pervading. + 'Man buys as cheaply as he can + And sells as dearly, that's his plan.' + 'Supply Demand each other feed + Dearer markets cheap ones bleed.' + Jenner Jenner brings in vaccination, + 1796 Boon to every generation; + By similar methods now devised + Many an ill is exorcised. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic + +_NELSON AND WELLINGTON._] + + American War In seventeen-sixty and fifteen + 1775 Our Taxes raise the Yankees' spleen. + 'Unrepresented, you've no right + To tax us, therefore we will fight.' + Washington, Franklin and the rest + Formed a Republic quite the best; + We've long been friends. Let us rejoice; + But at the time we had no choice. + + French In France in times of Louis Seize (says) + Revolution Oppression dire through countless days + Roused Revolution with its tears + Mainly through books with wrong ideas. + Napoleon I. From Revolution's putrid mess + 1793-1815 A Conqueror's born, quite conscienceless, + Millions of men and women died + Victims to Napoleon's pride. + He plunged all Europe into Wars + His own ambition the sole cause. + England as usual did her 'bit' + And 'Boney' Europe had to quit. + During these years of storm and stress + Two noble pilots we possess + 'Chatham and Son' (Pitt is their name), + Illustrious on the scroll of fame. + Nelson 1805 Here we must our homage pay + To Nelson of Trafalgar Day; + Wellington To Wellington the same is due, + Who crowned his fame at Waterloo. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic] + + And 'Shiver my timbers,' 'Heave ahoy,' + The Tar, those times a breezy boy + With shiny hat and pigtail long + And love for lass and glass and song. + Discovery of About this date Electric Force + Electric Force Dawns on mankind. Before, of course, + In Lightning it was all about, + With noise enough to be found out. + Coelo eripuit fulmen, + 'Twas said of Franklin, as ye ken. + Philosopher of bygone age + Accept our homage on this page. + But who'd have thought it that Galvani + When making soup, (this is no blarney) + By his power of observation + On a frog's legs' oscillation + Should find how by chemic ways + Electric currents we can raise? + To call him 'great' is no flattery; + He set us on the wondrous battery. + This simple little frog, Heigh Ho! + The frog who would a-wooing go; + Thy part in electricity + Is unmatched eccentricity. + This new discovered fact, of course, + Leads to the Telegraph of Morse, + The Motor and Electric Light + The Telephone and more in sight. + +[Illustration: _IN QUEEN VICTORIA'S PALMY DAYS._] + + Ireland Of Ireland but a word or two. + Celts were her people and they knew + Not benefit of Roman Ruling; + Young Europa's Infant Schooling. + In century five St. Patrick great + Converts them to the Christian state; + And from this Western Isle afar, + English and Scotch converted are. + Danes and Two hundred years from nine-nought-nought + Ireland Danes raiding Erin trouble brought; + And left them in chaotic state + No longer masters of their fate. + In those days 'twas 'Woe to the weak,' + Saxons and Danes had made us squeak, + Then came the Normans in great force + And civilised us in due course. + They tried the same with Ireland green; + But only sowed a feud between + The land they'd conquered and Erin, + Leading to endless quarrelling. + England accepts the Reformation, + Catholic still the Irish nation + Cromwell Sees Cromwell with them battle join + Boyne And William beat them at the Boyne. + William Pitt in eighteen-nought-nought + Ireland and England's welfare sought + Act of Union By 'Act of Union' which he passed; + 1800 But still the wretched squabbles last. + + George IV. Now come George Four and Will his brother; + William IV. With these two kings we need not bother; + The first a gourmand, bon viveur, + The next a sailor, bluff, sans peur. + Trevithick, Newcomen, and Watt + Are names will never be forgot; + For their crude engines were the source + Of man's control of Steam's wild force. + Steam By eighteen-thirty man has tamed + 1830 Steam to his use; and widely famed + Was puffing 'Rocket' with the power + Of doing thirty miles an hour. + Steam prompts man to make machines + And Factories rise with all that means; + Divided more and more is labour + Each man leans more on his neighbour. + For twenty million pounds the nation + Buys our slaves' emancipation. + Reform Act In eighteen-three-two, happy year, + The great Reform Act doth appear. + Steam vessels the Atlantic cross. + The penny post comes into force. + And double knocks bring joys and thrills + Sometimes cheques, more often bills. + Corn Law The Corn Law duty's brushed away, + Repeal 18 Hence we enjoy cheap bread to-day. + + We fain would linger, but alas, + These are the periods we must pass. + So gentle reader do not grin + At sight of cumbrous crinoline. + Victoria Since Queen Victoria's palmy days + 1837-1901 Woman has altered all her ways. + In those days she was meek and mild + And treated almost like a child; + Was brought up in a narrow zone; + And couldn't call her soul her own. + She vegetated, 'tis well known + Under the 'cloche' of Chaperone. + Woman's But now the 'Franchise' she obtains, + Status And her own property retains. + What a difference from then, + She 'carries on' just like the men. + And now at Westminster we see + A lady sitting as M.P. + + Darwin Charles Darwin offers us a Key + 1809-1882 To help unlock the mystery + Of Evolution's wondrous span + From Protoplasm up to Man. + Livingstone The traveller, great Scotch Livingstone, + 1813-1873 Wandered o'er Afric's trackless Zone; + Where no white man had ever trod + Teaching the blacks the Word of God. + Crimean War English, French and Turks unite + 'Gainst Russia in Crimean fight. + Indian Mutiny The Indian Mutiny now arose, + 'Fat' was the cause that led to blows. + Atlantic Cable With efforts many men most able + Lay the great Atlantic Cable. + Suez Canal Lesseps unites for you and me + The Medit'ranean and Red Sea. + Education Act The Education Act proposes + To make us all as wise as Moses; + In eighteen-seven-nought it passed, + But each is learning to the last. + Ballot Act A couple of years from this we note + 1872 The Ballot Act gives secret vote; + Before this Act, e'en since we fear, + Folks sold their votes for draughts of beer. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic + +_WOMEN TOOK TO SPADE AND HOE._] + + Edward VII. Edward Seven, 'Peacemaker' named, + 1901-1910 His efforts to this end far famed. + We know it was no idle chance + His 'Entente cordiale' with France. + True friendship and the peace we want + The outcome of this grand Entente. + Though not accented in our rhyme + We've been fighting all the time; + And it's a fact which must be stated + Our chief opponent (so 'twas fated) + Wars with Our nearest neighbour o'er the Sea + France Whose 'No' is 'Non'; whose 'Yes' is 'Oui'; + Like two schoolboys always sparring + Eight hundred years together warring; + From Hastings unto Waterloo + We'd battles with the brave 'Mossoo.' + Now Honi soit qui still y pense; + Hurrah for England! Vive la France! + + + And here we come to end our rhymes + We've reached the present stirring times, + When one and all lent helping hand + To keep secure the Motherland. + When men went forth to fight the foe + And women took to spade and hoe, + And donning smocks of nattiest styles, + Worked on the land for Farmer Giles. + Now three cheers for the dainty maids, + Government clerks of different grades; + +[Illustration] + + Nor are we likely to forget + Our debt to the Munitionette. + The We seem to have subdued the Hun + Present Time And so farewell (our task is done) + To Anzacs-Indians-Poilus-Yanks-- + Italians-Belgians-Japs-and-Tanks. + +[Illustration] + + + + +Concerning +MEN and TONICS + +_by the late +DR. ANDREW WILSON._ + + +_"Many a man feels so thoroughly out of sorts, and thinks himself so +dreadfully ill, that he is rather surprised when the doctor tells him +there is not really anything seriously the matter with him at all; that +he just needs a tonic, and should put the brake on as regards work, +worry, or late hours._ + +_"It is this 'run-down-ness,' 'out-of-sorts-ness,' 'below-par-ness,' +which lead to all kinds of fanciful fears, such as having Brain Fag, +Neurasthenia, and other conditions startling by name at least._ + +_"Now I have found the form of Iron Jelloids put up with Quinine (called +Iron Jelloids No. 2A), to be an excellent Tonic in all such cases. When +a man or youth feels out-of-sorts, and is not so ill as to require +medical advice, he cannot do better than try a Fortnight's Treatment of +Iron Jelloids No. 2A, as a suitable and effective remedy._ + + _For DEBILITY, WEAKNESS and NERVINESS, Men find the Ideal Tonic + and Restorative in Iron Jelloids No. 2A._ + + _For ANAEMIA in Men and Women (shown by breathlessness on slight + exertion, pallor, depression and weakness) Doctors have for many + years prescribed the well-known Iron Jelloids No. 2.--there is + nothing better._ + + +_A Ten Days Treatment (price 1/3) will convince you._ + +_Mr. J. R. PENNINGTON, Chemist, late of Worksop, writes:--"I always +handle Iron Jelloids with pleasure as my customers are invariably +satisfied with them."_ + +[Illustration: IRON 'JELLOIDS' +(_Pronounced Jell-Lloyds._)] + + + Reliable Tonic for Men IRON JELLOIDS No. 2A. + For Anaemia in Men & Women IRON JELLOIDS No. 2. + For Growing Children IRON JELLOIDS No. 1. + +_Of all Chemists. A Ten Days Treatment 1/3. Large size 3/-_ + + +_Manufactured by The Iron Jelloid Co., Ltd., 189, Central Street, +London, E.C.1. England._ + + + + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic] + + + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Transcriber's Note | + | | + | Details of minor typographical corrections and retained | + | mis-spellings are provided in the source of the associated | + | html version. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's A Humorous History of England, by C. 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