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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/26388-8.txt b/26388-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..0502b0b --- /dev/null +++ b/26388-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2004 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of A Humorous History of England, by C. Harrison + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: A Humorous History of England + +Author: C. Harrison + +Release Date: August 22, 2008 [EBook #26388] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A HUMOROUS HISTORY OF ENGLAND *** + + + + +Produced by Chris Curnow, David Wilson and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + +PRICE: THREE PENCE + + + + + A Humorous + History of England + + + The essentials of England's + History Told in Rhyme + + Light and Amusing + + + Told and + Pictured + by + C. Harrison. + + + Price 3d. + + With Forty Eight Illustrations + + + + +Concerning Anæmia + +(Poorness of Blood.) + +IN MEN AND WOMEN, + +_by the late +DR. ANDREW WILSON._ + + +_The public are very familiar with the term "Anæmia," and this fact +alone testifies to the extremely common nature of the ailment thus +indicated._ + +_As a rule Anæmia shows a gradual progress. There is experienced a +feeling of lassitude, of being "easily tired out," and a distaste for +active exertion. The digestion is enfeebled, and, without feeling +actually ill, the sufferer inclines towards an inactive life, while the +appetite usually disappears, and a general bodily upset is represented. +The lips are pale, the red of the eyelids, seen by turning down the +lower eyelid, will exhibit a similar appearance. Breathlessness is +another notable sign; the least exertion, going upstairs for instance, +causes the sufferer to pant, because the heart, not being supplied with +blood of good quality, cannot perform its work properly. The pulse is +weak and irregular._ + + _For ANÆMIA (shown by breathlessness on slight exertion, pallor, + depression and weakness) Doctors prescribe the well-known Iron + Jelloids No. 2.--there is nothing better._ + + _For DEBILITY, WEAKNESS and NERVINESS, Men find the Ideal Tonic + and Restorative in Iron Jelloids No. 2A._ + + +_A Ten Days Treatment (price 1/3) will convince you._ + +[Illustration: Iron 'Jelloids' +(_Pronounced Jell-Lloyds._)] + + Reliable Tonic for Men Iron Jelloids No. 2A. + For Anæmia in Men and Women Iron Jelloids No. 2. + For Growing Children Iron Jelloids No. 1. + +_Of all Chemists. A Ten Days Treatment 1/3. Large size 3/-_ + + +_Manufactured by The Iron Jelloid Co., Ltd., 189, Central Street, +London E.C.1. England._ + + + + + A HUMOROUS + HISTORY OF ENGLAND + + + + + TOLD AND PICTURED + by + C. HARRISON + + + Published by + WARRICK & BIRD, + 4, Nile Street, London, N.1. + 1920. + + + + +[Illustration: An After-Dinner Speech in Ye Olden Time. +(And any other Time.)] + + + + +[Illustration: BOADICEA.] + + + Preface _"Arms and the man" was Virgil's strain; + But we propose in lighter vein + To browse a crop from pastures (Green's) + Of England's Evolution scenes. + Who would from facts prognosticate + The future progress of this State, + Must own the chiefest fact to be + Her escalator is the Sea._ + +[Illustration: "Take cover"] + + Prehistoric Historians erudite and sage, + When writing of the past stone age, + Tell us man once was clothed in skins + And tattooed patterns on his shins. + Rough bearded and with shaggy locks + He lived in dug-outs in the rocks. + Was often scared and run to earth + By creatures of abnormal girth: + Mammoths and monsters; truth to tell + We find their names too long to spell. + He joined in little feuds no doubt; + And with his weapons fashioned out + Of flint, went boldly to the fray; + And cracked a skull or two per day. + + Druids We read of priests of Celtic day, + Ancient Druids, holding sway + By smattering of Occult law + And man's eternal sense of awe. + Stonehenge They used Stonehenge on Salisbury Plain + Reputed Prehistoric Fane; + Note each megalithic boulder; + No Monument in Europe's older. + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration: "Veni, Vidi, Vici"] + + Phoenicians Merchant explorers of that day, + Hustling Phoenicians, came this way + To ship tin ore from Cornish mines + Three thousand years before these lines. + But still in spite of petty strife + Man lived what's termed the 'simple life' + Julius Cæsar Till Julius Cæsar in five-five + B.C. 55 With his galleys did arrive. + He wrote despatches of the best, + 'Veni, Vidi' and the rest, + Sending the news of victory home; + And flags then fluttered high in Rome. + His 'photo' one plain fact discloses + He brought in fashion Roman noses. + Of this great General 'tis allowed + The best 'Life' is by J. A. Froude. + Boadicea Boadicea earns our praise. + A.D. 62 First woman leader in those days; + For Freedom strove all she could do, + 'Twas lost in A.D. sixty-two. + Agricola Then came Agricola one day + And gained a battle near the Tay. + He started trimming up this isle, + And laid out roads in Roman style. + East, North, South, West, it's safe to say + His handiwork is traced to-day. + The Natives too were taught to know + By busy merchants' constant flow + The wisdom that great Empire held; + Their ignorance was thus dispelled. + Romans left About four hundred-ten A.D. + A.D. 410 The Romans left sans cérémonie. + Can it be wondered at when Rome + Was needing help 'gainst Huns at home. + Our antiquarians often find + The relics which they left behind; + A Villa here and pavement there, + Coins galore and Roman ware. + +[Illustration] + + Anglo-Saxons And so we run our flippant rhymes + A.D. 430 Right on to Anglo-Saxon times. + Hengist and Horsa with their men + Came from their Jutish pirate den, + Jutes And paid us visits in their ships + Bent on their ruthless looting trips. + And Angles landing in the Humber + Gave that district little slumber. + They plundered morning, noon, and night, + Were rough, uncouth, and impolite, + No 'By your leave' or 'S'il vous plait' + They came to rob, remained to prey. + Horsa Horsa was slain in four-five-five, + 455 Leaving Hengist still alive + To live out his allotted term, + Surviving partner of the Firm. + King Arthur Time has many a fable wound + About King Arthur's table round, + Where Knights quaffed cordials, wines and ales, + And told their little fairy tales. + Augustine About six hundred years A.D. + 597 To teach us Christianity + Came Augustine. Wondrous Story; + Canterbury's Pile his glory. + Heptarchy Called 'Heptarchy' the seven Saxon + 827 States each other made attacks on; + After four hundred years they'd striven + They coalesced in eight-two-seven. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic] + + Alfred Of good King Alfred we've all heard + 872-901 How when hiding he incurred + A lady's anger for not taking + Care of Cakes which she was baking. + (Most probably she left the King + While she went out a-gossiping.) + Before he died in nine-nought-one, + Old England's Navy had begun. + He laid a tax on every town + To aid his fleet to gain renown. + He was the best of Saxon Kings + And did a lot of useful things; + Built Oxford with its noble spires + And mapped out England into Shires. + + Danes In seven-eight-three first came the Danes + 783 Who caused the Saxons aches and pains. + They sailed right up our rivers broad, + Putting the natives to the sword. + "Danegeld" For centuries our sadly fated + 991 Towns by them were devastated. + Etheldred the 'Unready Toff' + By 'Danegeld' tries to buy them off. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic] + + Canute Two hundred years the raiding Danes + 1014-1036 Came over. Then their Canute reigns. + We'll merely mention that he tried + An object lesson with the tide. + Hardicanute Hardicanute, sad to confess, + 1039-1041 Died from drinking to excess. + He couldn't conquer love of wine + And with him went the Danish line. + + Edward Edward the Confessor staid + the Confessor The Saxon line renewed. Remade + 1041-1066 At Westminster the Abbey grand, + And signed the first 'Will' in this land. + And since his time ('tis not refuted) + Scores of Wills have been disputed. + Ah! legal quibbles such as these + Mean Lawyers waxing rich on fees. + + Harold Harold last of the Saxon line + 1066 At Hastings made an effort fine + And lost his life--it was to be, + Crushed by the men of Normandy. + From Scandinavia they'd come, + And made fair Normandy their home; + William the Whence William spying out our shore, + Conqueror Oliver-Twist-like, wanted more. + 1066-1087 In ten-six-six he won the day + In that tough fight out Hastings way. + Of course, no record in our reach, + Depicts 'ole Bill' thus on the beach. + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic + +GOODE NYGHTE] + + William the But one thing's certain. Camera men, + Conqueror If only they'd existed then, + 1066-1087 Would have journeyed many a mile + To 'snap' King William's happy smile. + They made him King and schoolbooks say + He ruled with arbitrary sway; + Demanding with sharp battle axes + Instant payment of big taxes. + Curfew And p'raps it's just as well to tell + He introduced the Curfew Bell; + So at the early hour of eight + Each doused his glim, raked out his grate. + In bed at eight P.M. each day + Life was but sombre, dull and grey; + No cutting fancy ball room capers, + No Cinemas or evening papers. + He was a bully it is true, + But to allow him his just due + He made reforms; he also took + In hand the bulky Doomsday book. + + In William's time we're glad to write + People began to be polite; + Ladies curtseyed to their beaux, + Who smartly raised their gay chapeaux. + The Jews The Jews he introduced from Spain + Bringing much knowledge in their train + Of Arts and Science; but 'Longshanks' + Expelled them with no word of thanks. + Feudalism These were the well known Feudal days, + Tenants were slaves in many ways + To mighty Lords who owned the land + And ruled them with an iron hand. + Not free from duties were the Lords, + The King could call upon their swords + And men to fight in time of need. + So feudal laws of old decreed. + + William Rufus William Rufus or the 'Red' + 1087-1100 In ten-eight-seven ruled instead; + This may be; but we know, alack, + Though he was red his deeds were black. + Crusades The first Crusade in ten-nine-five, + 1095 A million men, a very hive, + Swarm to the East, the Holy plain + From the Mohammedans to gain. + + Henry I. Henry the First, of wisdom rife, + 1100-1135 Saxon Matilda makes his wife, + Saxon and Norman line uniting, + A learned chap who loved not fighting. + + Stephen Stephen of Blois ascends the throne + 1135-115 And 'gainst Matilda holds his own; + Grandson of the Conqueror; + Died in eleven-fifty-four. + + Henry II. Henry the Second claims our rhyme + 1154-1189 'The hardest worker of his time'; + A wiser King we never had + Nor father with his sons so bad. + Becket This the first 'Plantagenet' King + With Becket strove like anything; + Church v. Which should be Master, Church or Crown + Crown Pull-King Pull-Bishop; both went down. + Thomas was murdered by four Knights + On steps of Altar--Sorry wights: + With bleeding feet the King atones + By pilgrimage to Becket's bones. + Despite his struggles with the Church + He knocked the barons off their perch, + Fifteen hundred Castles razing + In a manner quite amazing. + Law Trial by jury further grows; + The King's Court in this reign arose; + Our Parliaments from this proceed + And all our other Courts indeed. + Linen Linen's first used in twelve-five + Woollens alone in vogue before. + Glass Windows In eleven-eight-nought first came to pass + The novelty of window glass. + And doubtless playful little boys + Full of children's simple joys, + Cracked as our youngsters often do + With stones or ball a pane or two. + Richard Coeur de Lion from one Crusade + Coeur de Lion Returning was a prisoner made. + 1189-1199 But Blondel played an Air he knew, + The King joined in; Voilà the clue. + This catchy tune in a pleasant key + Opened the door to liberty. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic] + + John And so we'll quickly journey on + 1199-1216 Until we reach the reign of John; + A King whose list of crimes was heavy; + He treated badly his young 'Nevvy'. + Magna Charta He signed the Magna Charta. Yes; + 1215 In twelve-fifteen, but we may guess + With much ill grace and many a twist; + For King John wrote an awful fist. + John loses Normandy to France + And by this beneficial chance + In England comes amalgamation; + Normans and Saxons form one Nation + Robin Hood And now we come to Robin Hood, + The Forest bandit of Sherwood, + A popular hero much belauded + But not by folks whom he'd defrauded. + There's no need to descant upon + His boon companion 'Little John'; + Or 'Friar Tuck' so overblown + He tipped the scale at fifteen stone. + + Henry III. And what of Henry number Three, + 1216-1272 The King who suffered poverty? + It's very awkward we must own + To be 'hard up' when on a Throne; + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic] + + To have to scrape up an amount + To pay the butcher on account, + Or ask a dun in Kingly way + To kindly call some other day. + Coinage In twelve-five-seven it is stated + 1257 Gold was coined and circulated, + Ha'pence and farthings just before; + In those times worth a great deal more. + Langton The Bible which from over seas + Died 1228 Had no chapters and no verses + Was by Archbishop Langton's skill + Divided as we use it still. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic] + + Why was it Henry III. allowed + At court a huge rapacious crowd + To drain his coffers nearly dry + Flattering with cajolery? + +[Illustration: Alle fees in advance +Earlye closinge daye Thursdaye] + + Astrology Many simple folk, (it's queer) + Used to patronise the seer + And pay cash down for magic spell + Perchance a Horoscope as well. + Or open wide at special rate + That musty tome the Book of Fate; + Or seek the Philtre's subtle aid + To win the hand of some fair maid. + We mus'nt miss the Troubadours + Who went forth on their singing tours, + Twanging harps and trilling lays + To maids of medieval days. + And Oh! the right good merry times + With Maskers, Mummers and the Mimes, + Hobby horses gaily prancing, + Bats and Bowls and Maypole dancing. + When folks would take a lengthy journey + To see the Knights at Joust or Tourney: + Or watch the early English 'Knuts' + Show their skill at Archery butts. + Then come gloomy History pages + On torture of the Middle ages; + The clanking fetters grim and black, + The thumbscrew and the awful rack, + The horrors of the dungeon deep + Beneath the moat or castle keep, + Rusty locks and heavy keys + And--let us change the subject, please. + First House of Commons twelve-six-five, + At Westminster they all arrive. + Simon de Simon de Montfort was the man + Montfort Who 'engineered' this useful plan. + 1265 And we can picture these M.P.s + Newly fledged and ill at ease + Doing their level best to try + To catch the embryo speaker's eye. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic] + + Edward I. Edward First 'Longshanks' nicknamed + 1272-1307 For his lengthy stride far-famed. + Here he is in twelve-seven-two + Bounding along with much ado. + A Soldier, Statesman and a King + His lofty ideals picturing + That England, Scotland, Wales all three, + United should one country be. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic] + + First Prince In twelve-eight-two annexes Wales; + of Wales Where afterwards no strife prevails. + 1282 He promised a Prince with English + So gave his new-born speechless son. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic] + + Edward I. Next Scotland Edward tries to tackle + 1272-1307 No easy task the Scotch to shackle; + (continued) Wallace and Bruce resistance make, + The King dies ere he gains the stake. + In Edward's reign some author writes + They first used candle dips for lights; + And coal came in about this date + Mixed (as to-day) with lots of slate. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS] + + So Monarchs, Barons, Dukes and Knights + Warmed their toes with Derby Brights; + But those in hovels had the smuts + Arising from cheap Kitchen Nuts. + Roger Bacon Roger Bacon (ob. twelve-nine-three) + 1293 Versed was in arts of alchemy; + Gunpowder's composition knew; + And many another chemic brew. + Many Mortmain Acts are passed; + Six centuries these efforts last + To stop the hungry Hierarchy + Devouring all the Squirearchy. + Lollards Lollards in thirteen-seven arose + 1307 Popish rituals to oppose; + John Wycliffe gives to old and young + The Bible in the vulgar tongue. + With John of Gaunt's protection strong + He dared to preach 'gainst cleric wrong; + Precursor of the Reformation + To liberal thought attuned the nation. + + Edward II. Edward the Second with his minions + 1307-1327 Governs badly these dominions + His son a man of different mould + Edward III. Was Edward Three, both wise and bold. + 1327-1377 Through clinging to their French domains + Our Kings are French through many reigns + And Edward fighting in this cause + French Wars Commenced a hundred years of Wars. + A century's struggle. For our pains + Only Calais town remains. + A century after this 'twas lost, + In Mary's reign. Oh! what a frost. + Weaving In thirteen-three-one England's taught + 1331 Weaving by men from Flanders brought. + Ryghte goode cloth with lots of 'body' + The world was then not up to 'shoddy.' + Blanket of Bristol in this year + Invented blankets for our cheer; + And since that time its been our boast + Our beds have been as warm as toast. + Edward 'Black Prince' One-three-four-six, + A brave and noble warrior, 'licks' + Crecy The valiant French in Crecy's fray; + 1346 Cannon first used upon this day, + Causing panic with their rattle; + But the Yeomen win the battle, + For, flicking arrows from their bows + They 'filled the air as when it snows.' + Thereon the English Calais seize + And of the channel hold the keys; + The Spanish pirates bend the knee + Then Edward III's 'King of the sea.' + Parliament Lords and Commons from this date + 1376 Have their meetings separate, + The Commons first a Speaker make + The Chancellors the Woolsack take. + Ten lady members have the Lords + But doubtless fearful of their words, + Or thinking it not orthodoxy, + They only let them vote by proxy. + While Church and Barons have their squabbles + The House of Commons more power nobbles; + On laws and taxes dares speak out + And give the Pope the right-about. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic + +KINGE RYCHARD Ye II QUARRELINGE WITHE HYSSE PEOPLE] + + Leasing Leasing or Farming, we are taught, + Was introduced 'bout twelve-nought-nought; + The Feudal system's weakened and + The Tenants 'usufruct' the land. + On various counts the serfs go free + And work for wages (Edward Three). + The Black Death and the foreign wars + In labour ranks commotion cause; + Strikes and craftsmen's combination + Then arise among the nation; + These movements preached by one John Ball, + Who, born too soon, was hanged withal. + + Richard II. Now comes the Second Richard's reign. + 1377-1399 It is recorded very plain + That he was full of discontent + Quarrelling with his Parliament. + +[Illustration: "BY MY HALIDOM I'LL NOT PAY IT"] + + Poll Tax With his taxes super-sated + 1380 The peasants grew exasperated; + They threw their spades and pitchforks down + And marched as rebels into town. + Thirteen-eighty's Poll taxation + Puts equal tax on all the nation; + Lays seven thousand peasants dead; + Wat Tyler and Jack Straw at head. + Præmunire Præmunire Act is passed + To check the Papal Bulls at last. + Chaucer Chaucer the Poet this same year + Makes Pilgrimage to Becket's bier. + +[Illustration: FORTES FORTUNA JUVAT. + +IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic] + + Age of This was the age, aye verily, + Chivalry Of ryghte goode noble chivalry, + When Knights went forth through storm and stress + To rescue beauty in distress. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic.] + + Or sallied out in valiant way + A monster dragon for to slay, + Or with lance or trusty blade + Defend from harm the hapless maid. + + Henry IV. Henry Four, called 'Bolingbroke' + 1399-1413 In Richard's wheel puts many a spoke; + Compels him to resign the throne + Which thereupon he makes his own. + Through John of Gaunt, Lancastrian famed, + His title to the crown he claimed; + The Parliament confirms his right + And thus he's king without a fight. + In this reign persecution's turned + Lollards Against the Lollards--Cobham's burned. + 1401 Incredible! The records show + A statute 'de Comburondo.' + + Henry V. From fourteen-thirteen, Henry Five, + 1413-1422 For many years with France did strive; + His Widow founds the Tudor House + By taking Owen for her spouse. + + Henry VI. Henry Six, next in our rhymes, + 1422-1461 For fifty years had troublous times; + Wars of Roses, Wars with France, + The poor man never had a chance. + Joan of Arc Joan of Arc the peasant Maid + 1430 Inspired the French with Mystic aid; + Disunited, we make peace, + All France but Calais we release. + Constantinople Constantinople's seized by Turks + 1453 Causing Greek Scholars (with their works) + To fly to Italy; and thence + Learning's reborn--'The Renaissance.' + + Edward IV. In Edward Fourth, fourteen-six-one + 1461-1483 The House of York obtains the Throne. + He wins at Towton's bloody fray, + No quarter given on that day. + Guy, Earl of Warwick in these frays + Was always turning different ways; + Barnet On Barnet Field he met his doom + 1471 The Rose of York's now well abloom. + The Barons, Church and Commons fall, + The King emerges Boss of all. + Benevolences he exacts, + An early form of Super Tax. + Earl of 'Kingmaker' was Earl Warwick styled + Warwick With his manner scarcely mild + He set Kings up and bowled them down + Playing at ninepins with the Crown. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic] + + Wars of Roses White and Red Rose warring madly + 1485 Bled the country very sadly, + Three-and-thirty years contending; + At Bosworth Field we see the ending. + Printing First in fourteen-seventy-three + 1473 We print from type in this Countree. + Now it is that time's first measured + By monster watches greatly treasured. + Thomas Parr this centurie + His hundred-fifty years did see; + But Henry Jenkins, so 'tis said, + In age was seventeen years ahead. + Hoary patriarchs were these + Retaining p'raps their faculties; + What a comfort 'tis to mention + Neither drew the old age pension. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic + +Ye Bookeworme Burninge ye Midnyghte Oile] + + Printing started through the Nation + A taste for higher education; + Here is a citizen at home; + Note his very brainy Dome. + + Richard III. Richard (Crookback) in fateful hour + 1483-1485 Smothered his nephews in the Tower, + He murdered them the Crown to gain; + A heavy price for three years' reign. + The Scutcheon's blotted terribly + Of this King Richard number Three, + For it seems his recreation + Was ordering decapitation. + 1485 On Bosworth Field when sorely pressed + He made a bid th'uncommonest + 'My kingdom for a horse' he cried; + No offers coming, there he died. + + Henry VII. Lancastrian Richmond wins the fight + 1485-1509 And to make his title right + Elizabeth of York espouses, + Thus uniting the two Houses. + This Henry Seven of Tudor line + To misers' habits did incline; + Twelve millions stated to possess, + A tidy little fortune! Yes! + Star Chamber Much he managed to extort + By means of a Star Chamber Court + From the rich nobles; A new wile + For adding to the kingly pile. + With cash in hand he could attain + His wish as Autocrat to reign; + As sole possessor of the guns + The King no risk from rebels runs. + +[Illustration: SKYSCRAPE FLATS TO BE ERECTED HERE + +BUY HUSTLES CHEWING GUM + +FIFTH AVENUE + +IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic] + + Columbus Columbus, full of travellers' lore, + 1498 By going West sought India's shore; + But found America's wondrous land; + His 'exes' paid by Ferdinand. + Of voyagers we've now a lot + Vasco da Gama and Cabot, + Who sailed from Bristol, whence it grew + Bristolians claim this fine cuckoo. + +[Illustration: Henry VIII Pops the Question] + + Henry VIII. Now Henry Eight comes on the screen, + 1509-1547 A stalwart youth, ætat. eighteen; + With youthful hope the nation's buoyed; + Only, alas! to be destroyed. + +[Illustration: Henry ye eighth Thynkynge offe ye Past] + + Henry VIII. This King Henry number Eight + 1509-1547 Six times tried the married state; + (continued) And certainly of all the Kings + Spent the most on wedding rings. + But to search through old Archives + For tales of Henry and his wives + And all their little tiffs to trace + We cannot spare the time or space. + Yet there are some who fain would sing + The praises of this rotund King; + But as a husband we're afraid + His category's lowest grade. + He wielded harsh the despot's power, + And packed his wives off to the Tower; + Consigned them to a fate most dreaded; + Two, alas! he had beheaded. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic + +_HAIL NOW TO THEE OUR GOOD QUEEN BESS!_] + + Henry VIII. + (continued) + + Reformation Martin Luther, fifteen-one-seven, + 1517 Sows his Reformation leaven; + It finds a culture medium here + In the 'New Learning's' atmosphere. + Of this New Learning More's the chief, + Utopia's Author, He's 'mid grief + Beheaded, saying cool and calm, + 'Cut not my beard, that's done no harm.' + His friend Erasmus, Logic's Master, + Trimmed his sails and 'scaped disaster. + A third, Dean Colet who St. Paul's + School London into being calls. + Wolsey In fifteen-thirty Wolsey great, + 1530 A Cardinal and Man of State, + From Butcher's son had risen high. + Reader! consult your Shakespeare nigh. + Blamed by some; by others praised; + He fell; but still the pile he raised + Most nobly graces Hampton Court. + Give Wolsey then a tender thought. + His main ambition that the King + Should be supreme in everything; + Thomas And Thomas Cromwell followed suit + Cromwell To make his master absolute + Head of the Church within his realm. + These two most able at the helm; + But not with skill enough endued + To 'scape their King's ingratitude. + Despotical the King's power grew. + He's England's Pope by Act of Su- + Premacy; as, to gain divorce, + The foreign Pope is banned perforce. + 1537 Now Bluff King Harry gives the Monks + A series of most awful funks; + Three thousand odd of their domains + He 'collars' for his Courtiers' gains. + + Edward VI. Edward Six to the throne succeeds + 1547-1553 A pious youth of goodly deeds; + One, well known in the Capital, + The Blue Coat School (Christ's Hospital). + + Mary Queen Mary One, in Smithfield Square, + 1553-1558 At Oxford, Gloucester and elsewhere, + Burned poor Martyrs by the score; + The Romish faith she would restore. + + Elizabeth Hail now to thee our good Queen Bess, + 1558-1603 Garbed in the puffed and padded dress, + Farthingale and starched up frills, + Meaning heavy laundry bills. + Od's Bodikins; what monstrous ruffs, + What gowns of rich embroidered stuffs + Piped and scolloped, trimmed with furs, + And shaped like huge gasometers. + Now we've warfare of the Creeds, + For their thoughts all Europe bleeds; + Each party seeks by force to make + The other side its faith forsake. + Spain the Great Power of those days + In these contentions first part plays. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic + +PLYMOUTH HOE BOWLING CLUB] + + Drake Drake at bowls on Plymouth Hoe + Left his game to meet this foe + And came home laden we are told + With seachests full of Spanish gold. + Armada In fifteen-eight-eight Armada strong + 1588 From Spain to squash us comes along; + Which Howard, Frobisher and Drake + And stormy weather overtake. + +[Illustration: GLOBE THEATRE TONYGHTE +Ye TRAGEDYE OFFE HAMLETTE +BY WILLIAM SHAKSPERE. + +IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic] + + Shakespeare And in these epoch making days + 1564-1616 Shakespeare wrote and staged his plays; + Weaving a thread whose magic strands + Entwine all English-speaking lands. + Fifteen-eight-seven Scots' Queen Mary + Lost her head through fate contrary. + When Henry Eight had robbed the Church + 'Twas found the poor were in the lurch; + Poor Law A law was passed about this date + To place the poor upon the rate. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic] + + Sir Walter Sir Walter Raleigh, best of Knights, + Raleigh The first to taste the keen delights + 1552-1618 Of the enchantress so serene, + The Ryghte Goode Ladye Nicotine. + No information's yet to hand + Concerning Raleigh's favourite brand; + Tobacco Was it coarse-cut shag which burns + The tongue, or birdseye or returns? + +[Illustration] + + Queen Good Queen Bess we understand + Elizabeth Had crowds of suitors for her hand; + And here we beg to give a view + Of suitors waiting in a queue. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic] + + Queen As time rolled on this Good Queen Bess + Elizabeth Lost somewhat of her sprightliness; + (continued) She got into a nervous state + Was mopish and disconsolate. + Now, as everyone will own, + Had 'Iron Jelloids' been but known + In Bess's time; why, it's conceded + 'Twas just the Tonic that she needed. + East India The great 'John Comp'ny' now began + Company Its fine career without a plan. + 1600 Great! The Elizabethan Age. + In History's book a glorious page. + +[Illustration] + + Somewhere or other we've heard snuff + Came in the days of frill and ruff; + And here's a noble ill at ease + Giving the first recorded sneeze. + + James I. James Six of Scotland, miscalled a 'fule' + 1603-1625 As James One of England comes to rule. + Gramercy! 'tis a canny thing + To be a 'double-barrelled' King. + The son of Mary Queen of Scots + Of learning he had lots and lots, + Writing sundry ponderous books + 'Gainst 'bacca, witches and their spooks. + James thought his kingly power divine + And, loathing Puritanic 'whine,' + He vowed to make them all comply + Or else he'd 'know the reason why.' + Pilgrim Fathers His persecution to escape + 1620 Some Zealots in the 'Mayflower' shape + Their course for an uncharted world + Where Freedom's Flag could be unfurled. + These 'Pilgrim Fathers' found a state + 'New England,' blessed with happy fate. + Folks have called the first King James + Most uncomplimentary names; + To wit 'a sloven' and 'a glutton'; + Perhaps his weakness was Scotch Mutton. + And as to gluttony, 'Gadzooks'! + If what we read in History books + Is true, they all were trenchermen; + There were no diet faddists then. + It startles us, one must declare, + To read their breakfast bill of fare; + All 'Kynes' of ale, some highly spiced + And divers meats, roast, boiled and sliced. + In James' reign a man could get + For money down a coronet + And titles with the greatest ease + Like folks to-day buy soap and cheese. + Harvey Yet a learned time; for Harvey shows + That blood's not stagnant, but it flows; + Lord Bacon 'Experiment!' Lord Bacon cries + 'There is no progress otherwise.' + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic + +MODEL OF THE NOTORIOUS GUY FAWKES +WHICH HOWEVER IS NOT CONSIDERED +HISTORICALLY ACCURATE] + + 5th November Of troubles James had quite a lot, + 1605 For instance the Gunpowder Plot. + It fizzled out but left to-day + A liking for Firework display. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic + +THE FIRST CRACKER] + + So rockets with their sweeping curves, + Crackers which upset the nerves + And squibs with their infernal din + To this date owe their origin. + + Charles I. His son Charles One we understand + 1625-1649 Ruled England with a grasping hand; + For he was never loth to levy + Taxes burdensome and heavy. + He moved in an expensive set, + Was always heavily in debt; + In fact this monarch with his frills + Was snowed up to the neck with bills. + He was courtly, graceful, distingué, + And when the scaffold came his way + 'He nothing common did or mean + Upon that memorable scene.' + He had a very taking way + And made his taxed up subjects pay; + And over taxing it is said + This Monarch fairly lost his head. + Petition of The 'Petition of Right' a famous Act, + Right--1628 The Commons from the King exact; + Giving the subject on his own + A remedy against the throne. + First In sixteen-hundred-twenty-one + Newspaper Our first news-sheet began its run; + 1621 For twenty years 'twas going strong + Then the first Censor came along. + This journal cribbing from the Dutch + Lacked the smart journalistic touch; + And also photographic views, + 'Sporting pars' and 'Stop-press News.' + +[Illustration: The Great Struggle in Charles' Time. +King Trying to get Money from Taxpayer. +Creditor Trying to get Money from King] + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic + +_THAT QUIET MAN, KNOWN AS THE EARLY PURITAN._] + + Cotton Cotton first came from India's shore + 1630 In sixteen-thirty, less or more; + Where for three thousand years it grew, + Also in Egypt and Peru. + Grim reading is the note confessing + Gangs went out for Navy pressing, + Forcing many a timid knave + To spend his life on ocean wave. + Ship Money Charles raises the ship money tax; + 1636 He thought he only had to 'ax'; + When Hampden strenuously objected, + The King was very much affected. + Strafford Earl Strafford ('Thorough') in his pride + 1641 'The King shall rule the Commons' cried; + The Commons would not brook such stuff + And cut his head off. 'Quantum Suff.' + The 'Grand Remonstrance' is put forth + By the Commons who are wrath + With the King's despotic ways + Quite unsuited to these days. + The King tries hard to put in jail + Five Members but without avail; + Hollis, Strode, Haslerig and Pym + And Hampden (we must mention him); + They're guarded from the Royal hands + By Watermen and City Bands. + The 'die is cast' and Civil War + For seven long years the Nation tore. + + Civil Wars Cromwell greatest of the foemen + 1642-1648 With his faithful English Yeomen; + These 'Roundheads' sober, grim, religious + To 'Cavaliers' gave blows prodigious. + Their character's seen in the cry + 'Trust God and keep your powder dry.' + Naseby The Cavaliers and Roundheads fought + 1645 In many a field, 'till Naseby brought + To Generals Cromwell and Fairfax + A crowning victory, though not 'pax.' + The King's beheaded, but the State + Experiences no headless fate; + A commonwealth's forthwith proclaimed + And Cromwell's soon Protector named. + Dunbar In sixteen-fifty Dunbar sees + 1650 The Royal Scots brought to their knees; + Worcester And in the second Worcester fight + 1651 Cromwell for good asserts his might. + And there are those who love to tell + About that day at Boscobel + When Charles the Second's Majestye + Found itself doubly 'up a tree.' + And now we meet that quiet man + Known as the early Puritan; + Mild and placid in his talk, + Calm and measured in his walk. + +[Illustration: "PAINT ME WARTS AND ALL" + +IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic] + + Commonwealth Oliver Cromwell bluff and bold, + 1649-1660 Was cast in Nature's sternest mould, + Lacking maybe the courtly grace + And proud of warts upon his face. + He fought the Irish and the Scotch + And with his navy beat the Dutch + Let all his faults condonéd be, + He kept us up on land and sea. + +[Illustration: "TAKE AWAY THAT BAUBLE" + +IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic] + + Commonwealth He seemed to like bold argument + (continued) And wordy wars with Parliament; + He made things lively we infer + Frequently at Westminster. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic] + + With M.P.s he had many a bout + And one day cleared the whole lot out; + Locked the door and took the key; + Those not the days of 'Wait and See.' + + Charles II. Cromwell's death brings Restoration + 1660-1685 And Charles Two lands 'mid acclamation. + After his leaps from twig to twig + He now has 'Otium cum Dig.' + In merry Charles the Second's age + Woman first acted on the stage; + The King encouraged much this vogue + He was a pleasure seeking rogue. + 'He never said a foolish thing, + Nor did a wise one'; this the King + Countered with 'My words my own + My acts my ministers' alone'; + 1662 In sixteen-six-two year of grace, + Charles taxed every fire-place; + And citizens who couldn't pay + Shivered and grumbled as to-day. + These were the times of Musketeers + And proud and dashing Cavaliers; + When words were few and tempers hot + And duels fought out on the spot. + + John Bunyan The tinker preacher Bunyan wrote + The 'Pilgrim's Progress' we still quote, + The prison bars no barrier wrought + To lowly Bunyan's lofty thought. + Milton In stately language Milton's muse + 1678 The Bible story doth diffuse; + From 'Paradise Lost' we get our view + Of Adam and Eve and Satan too. + The Reverend Titus Oates, a scamp, + Egregious Popish plots did vamp, + Lied roundly for dishonest gains, + Got Cat-o'-nine-tails for his pains. + Habeas Corpus The 'Habeas Corpus' best of laws + 1679 Shields us from prison without cause; + 'Twas passed in sixteen-seventy-nine, + And means 'Produce him here,' in fine. + Van Tromp Admiral Van Tromp, Dutchman bold, + With broom at masthead, so 'tis told, + The Channel sailed, suggesting he's + Swept all the English from the seas. + Blake But Blake laughed loud and spread his sails + Nought the Dutchman now avails; + For he got an awful shocker + Right to Davy Jones' locker. + But though the Dutch failed to invade, + They were not disinclined to trade; + So we get 'Hollands,' cheese and hams + Fresh from the land of Dykes and Dams. + Peace of Breda For fifteen years these Navies fought, + 1667 'Till sixteen-six-seven respite brought; + The Peace of Breda then succeeded; + New York to England was conceded. + Plague In sixty-five the Plague appears + Fire of London And then the Fire; two awful years + 1665-1666 For London--And if more you'd know + Consult the Pages of Defoe. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic + +_QUEEN ANNE AND THE DUKE OF MARLBOROUGH._] + + James II. When Charles Two died his brother James + 1685-1688 Soon put the country into flames; + Papistry he would advance, + And for that purpose leagued with France. + In sixteen-eight-eight his bigot zeal + Religious Test Act would repeal; + Seven bold Bishops who defied + To the Tower were sent and tried. + The country raised a hue and cry + So off to France the King doth fly. + + William III. His place is filled by William Three + 1689-1702 His son-in-law from Dutch countree. + This Orange sprig most brave of men + With Mary reigns and all things then + Went well with us. Macaulay's page + Hails him as Hero of the age. + In this reign of William Three, + Laws were harsh 'gainst burglary; + For they'd a very drastic way + And hanged the 'Bill Sykes' of that day. + National Debt In sixteen-nine-four we have heard + 1694 The National Debt was first incurred; + To careful folk who would invest + 'Twas not devoid of interest. + Another National Debt we owe + To Iron Jelloids which the foe + Depression's worries keep at bay + And drive our nervous fears away. + Bill of Rights The 'Bill of Rights,' a Charter grand, + 1689 In sixteen-eight-nine frees this land + From all encroachments of the Crown + Hoi Polloi are no longer down. + + Queen Anne Good Queen Anne we know is dead; + 1702-1714 She reigned twelve years but it is said + 'Mrs. Morley,' Marlborough's wife + Ruled her more than half her life. + Marlborough This was the Duke of Marlborough's day, + Who beat the French in every fray; + Known for his famous victories + At Blenheim and at Ramillies. + In seventeen-seven by statute passed + English and Scotch unite at last; + 'One coinage and one Parliament' + Both Nations ever since content. + About this time, so runs the story, + Much is heard of 'Whig and Tory'; + And shortly after there was rife + Many a sign of party strife. + Dr. Watts Good Dr. Watts' moral lays + 1674-1748 Were much reputed in these days; + And still we lisp at Mother's knee + 'How doth the little Busy Bee.' + Pope Pope, letter-writer and great poet, + 1688-1744 Most quotable of all (ye know it), + At Twickenham penned his caustic verse + Epigrammatic, smooth and terse. + + George I. The House of Stuart being ended, + 1714-1727 George of Hanover (descended + From daughter of King Jamie One) + Comes over to ascend our throne. + Of English George knew not a word, + Most awkward, not to say absurd, + At Cabinet Councils to preside; + So from this time the practice died. + + George II. His son George Two succeeding then + 1727-1760 In person fought at Dettingen. + Both these Kings had various fights + In Scotland with the Jacobites. + William Tull brings in Post Chaises; + Now the people ride like 'blazes.'; + Many can't for they're in trouble, + Ruined by the South Sea Bubble. + Wesleys John and Charles Wesley, men of mind, + 1703-1791 Revive Religion in Mankind. + Founding a Church both broad and low, + One-seven-three-nought A. Domini. + Beginning as an office clerk, + Clive As soldier Clive soon made his mark, + 1746 And conquered India for this Nation; + Self 'stounded at his moderation. + Bridgwater, Gilbert, Brindley, three + Great Engineers this Centurie, + Canals Useful canals in England made, + The flowing arteries of trade. + Quebec General Wolfe seventeen-five-nine + 1759 Captures Quebec--a victory fine, + And Canada's the splendid prize + For old 'John Bull' to colonise. + + George III. And now of Georgey number Three: + 1760-1820 Ut mulus obstinatus he + Had full sixty years of reign + And a big family to train. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic + +_GEORGIAN TIMES._] + + Georgian We will but very lightly scan + Times The customs known as 'Georgian'; + The times of powdered Belles and Beaux; + Patches, paint and furbelows; + Of beauteous maids and gallants gay + And merry routs at Ranelagh; + Gaming parties, cards or pool + And 'Fops' of the Beau Brummel School. + +[Illustration: "ODDS FAITH THEY SAY THERE'S IRON IN IT" + +IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic] + + When rank and fashion History tells + All took their cures among the Wells; + And sipped in manner hesitating + Daily doses nauseating. + But we know better how to act + Our cures we purchase more compact + For in the Chemists' you can see + 'Iron Jelloids' priced at 'One and Three.' + Lord 'Periwig' and gay 'Fallal' + In Sedan Chairs frequent the Mall. + 'Taxis' and 'Tubes' we beg to state + Came in at a much later date. + When Brummel, the historic Beau, + Made laws for dress and outward show; + Whose vests were poems, whose coats were dreams + Of gorgeous beauty, so it seems; + Who figured in the public gaze + A 'Star turn' with his courtly ways; + Who fixed the style of a cravat, + Lord of Appeal anent a hat. + And My Lord Chesterfield was quite + The model of the most polite + Wrote famous letters. It's a shame, + A settee has usurped his name. + Dr. Johnson And Dr. Johnson at his ease + 1709-1784 Sipped his tea at the 'Cheshire Cheese,' + Or at the 'Mitre' of renown, + Spreading his wit throughout the Town. + Garrick When Garrick as the 'Moody Dane' + Drew the Town to Drury Lane, + Mrs. Siddons Sarah Siddons was all the rage + Tragedy Queen of every age. + Highwaymen arméd to the teeth + Waited for prey on Hounslow Heath; + Per contra the Highwayman's pate + Was oft strung up at Tyburn Gate. + Capt. Cook It's only right a History book + 1728-1779 Should mark the feats of Captain Cook; + So jot it down in these our Rhymes + That round the World he sailed three times. + Inventions These are the days of much invention + 1767 The 'Spinning Jenny' we will mention; + The 'Cotton Mule' and 'Power Loom'; + For Authors' names there's lack of room. + Adam Smith In his book 'The Wealth of Nations' + 1766 Adam Smith shows the relations + Governing the Art of Trading; + With influences far pervading. + 'Man buys as cheaply as he can + And sells as dearly, that's his plan.' + 'Supply Demand each other feed + Dearer markets cheap ones bleed.' + Jenner Jenner brings in vaccination, + 1796 Boon to every generation; + By similar methods now devised + Many an ill is exorcised. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic + +_NELSON AND WELLINGTON._] + + American War In seventeen-sixty and fifteen + 1775 Our Taxes raise the Yankees' spleen. + 'Unrepresented, you've no right + To tax us, therefore we will fight.' + Washington, Franklin and the rest + Formed a Republic quite the best; + We've long been friends. Let us rejoice; + But at the time we had no choice. + + French In France in times of Louis Seize (says) + Revolution Oppression dire through countless days + Roused Revolution with its tears + Mainly through books with wrong ideas. + Napoleon I. From Revolution's putrid mess + 1793-1815 A Conqueror's born, quite conscienceless, + Millions of men and women died + Victims to Napoleon's pride. + He plunged all Europe into Wars + His own ambition the sole cause. + England as usual did her 'bit' + And 'Boney' Europe had to quit. + During these years of storm and stress + Two noble pilots we possess + 'Chatham and Son' (Pitt is their name), + Illustrious on the scroll of fame. + Nelson 1805 Here we must our homage pay + To Nelson of Trafalgar Day; + Wellington To Wellington the same is due, + Who crowned his fame at Waterloo. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic] + + And 'Shiver my timbers,' 'Heave ahoy,' + The Tar, those times a breezy boy + With shiny hat and pigtail long + And love for lass and glass and song. + Discovery of About this date Electric Force + Electric Force Dawns on mankind. Before, of course, + In Lightning it was all about, + With noise enough to be found out. + Coelo eripuit fulmen, + 'Twas said of Franklin, as ye ken. + Philosopher of bygone age + Accept our homage on this page. + But who'd have thought it that Galvani + When making soup, (this is no blarney) + By his power of observation + On a frog's legs' oscillation + Should find how by chemic ways + Electric currents we can raise? + To call him 'great' is no flattery; + He set us on the wondrous battery. + This simple little frog, Heigh Ho! + The frog who would a-wooing go; + Thy part in electricity + Is unmatched eccentricity. + This new discovered fact, of course, + Leads to the Telegraph of Morse, + The Motor and Electric Light + The Telephone and more in sight. + +[Illustration: _IN QUEEN VICTORIA'S PALMY DAYS._] + + Ireland Of Ireland but a word or two. + Celts were her people and they knew + Not benefit of Roman Ruling; + Young Europa's Infant Schooling. + In century five St. Patrick great + Converts them to the Christian state; + And from this Western Isle afar, + English and Scotch converted are. + Danes and Two hundred years from nine-nought-nought + Ireland Danes raiding Erin trouble brought; + And left them in chaotic state + No longer masters of their fate. + In those days 'twas 'Woe to the weak,' + Saxons and Danes had made us squeak, + Then came the Normans in great force + And civilised us in due course. + They tried the same with Ireland green; + But only sowed a feud between + The land they'd conquered and Erin, + Leading to endless quarrelling. + England accepts the Reformation, + Catholic still the Irish nation + Cromwell Sees Cromwell with them battle join + Boyne And William beat them at the Boyne. + William Pitt in eighteen-nought-nought + Ireland and England's welfare sought + Act of Union By 'Act of Union' which he passed; + 1800 But still the wretched squabbles last. + + George IV. Now come George Four and Will his brother; + William IV. With these two kings we need not bother; + The first a gourmand, bon viveur, + The next a sailor, bluff, sans peur. + Trevithick, Newcomen, and Watt + Are names will never be forgot; + For their crude engines were the source + Of man's control of Steam's wild force. + Steam By eighteen-thirty man has tamed + 1830 Steam to his use; and widely famed + Was puffing 'Rocket' with the power + Of doing thirty miles an hour. + Steam prompts man to make machines + And Factories rise with all that means; + Divided more and more is labour + Each man leans more on his neighbour. + For twenty million pounds the nation + Buys our slaves' emancipation. + Reform Act In eighteen-three-two, happy year, + The great Reform Act doth appear. + Steam vessels the Atlantic cross. + The penny post comes into force. + And double knocks bring joys and thrills + Sometimes cheques, more often bills. + Corn Law The Corn Law duty's brushed away, + Repeal 18 Hence we enjoy cheap bread to-day. + + We fain would linger, but alas, + These are the periods we must pass. + So gentle reader do not grin + At sight of cumbrous crinoline. + Victoria Since Queen Victoria's palmy days + 1837-1901 Woman has altered all her ways. + In those days she was meek and mild + And treated almost like a child; + Was brought up in a narrow zone; + And couldn't call her soul her own. + She vegetated, 'tis well known + Under the 'cloche' of Chaperone. + Woman's But now the 'Franchise' she obtains, + Status And her own property retains. + What a difference from then, + She 'carries on' just like the men. + And now at Westminster we see + A lady sitting as M.P. + + Darwin Charles Darwin offers us a Key + 1809-1882 To help unlock the mystery + Of Evolution's wondrous span + From Protoplasm up to Man. + Livingstone The traveller, great Scotch Livingstone, + 1813-1873 Wandered o'er Afric's trackless Zone; + Where no white man had ever trod + Teaching the blacks the Word of God. + Crimean War English, French and Turks unite + 'Gainst Russia in Crimean fight. + Indian Mutiny The Indian Mutiny now arose, + 'Fat' was the cause that led to blows. + Atlantic Cable With efforts many men most able + Lay the great Atlantic Cable. + Suez Canal Lesseps unites for you and me + The Medit'ranean and Red Sea. + Education Act The Education Act proposes + To make us all as wise as Moses; + In eighteen-seven-nought it passed, + But each is learning to the last. + Ballot Act A couple of years from this we note + 1872 The Ballot Act gives secret vote; + Before this Act, e'en since we fear, + Folks sold their votes for draughts of beer. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic + +_WOMEN TOOK TO SPADE AND HOE._] + + Edward VII. Edward Seven, 'Peacemaker' named, + 1901-1910 His efforts to this end far famed. + We know it was no idle chance + His 'Entente cordiale' with France. + True friendship and the peace we want + The outcome of this grand Entente. + Though not accented in our rhyme + We've been fighting all the time; + And it's a fact which must be stated + Our chief opponent (so 'twas fated) + Wars with Our nearest neighbour o'er the Sea + France Whose 'No' is 'Non'; whose 'Yes' is 'Oui'; + Like two schoolboys always sparring + Eight hundred years together warring; + From Hastings unto Waterloo + We'd battles with the brave 'Mossoo.' + Now Honi soit qui still y pense; + Hurrah for England! Vive la France! + + + And here we come to end our rhymes + We've reached the present stirring times, + When one and all lent helping hand + To keep secure the Motherland. + When men went forth to fight the foe + And women took to spade and hoe, + And donning smocks of nattiest styles, + Worked on the land for Farmer Giles. + Now three cheers for the dainty maids, + Government clerks of different grades; + +[Illustration] + + Nor are we likely to forget + Our debt to the Munitionette. + The We seem to have subdued the Hun + Present Time And so farewell (our task is done) + To Anzacs-Indians-Poilus-Yanks-- + Italians-Belgians-Japs-and-Tanks. + +[Illustration] + + + + +Concerning +MEN and TONICS + +_by the late +DR. ANDREW WILSON._ + + +_"Many a man feels so thoroughly out of sorts, and thinks himself so +dreadfully ill, that he is rather surprised when the doctor tells him +there is not really anything seriously the matter with him at all; that +he just needs a tonic, and should put the brake on as regards work, +worry, or late hours._ + +_"It is this 'run-down-ness,' 'out-of-sorts-ness,' 'below-par-ness,' +which lead to all kinds of fanciful fears, such as having Brain Fag, +Neurasthenia, and other conditions startling by name at least._ + +_"Now I have found the form of Iron Jelloids put up with Quinine (called +Iron Jelloids No. 2A), to be an excellent Tonic in all such cases. When +a man or youth feels out-of-sorts, and is not so ill as to require +medical advice, he cannot do better than try a Fortnight's Treatment of +Iron Jelloids No. 2A, as a suitable and effective remedy._ + + _For DEBILITY, WEAKNESS and NERVINESS, Men find the Ideal Tonic + and Restorative in Iron Jelloids No. 2A._ + + _For ANÆMIA in Men and Women (shown by breathlessness on slight + exertion, pallor, depression and weakness) Doctors have for many + years prescribed the well-known Iron Jelloids No. 2.--there is + nothing better._ + + +_A Ten Days Treatment (price 1/3) will convince you._ + +_Mr. J. R. PENNINGTON, Chemist, late of Worksop, writes:--"I always +handle Iron Jelloids with pleasure as my customers are invariably +satisfied with them."_ + +[Illustration: IRON 'JELLOIDS' +(_Pronounced Jell-Lloyds._)] + + + Reliable Tonic for Men IRON JELLOIDS No. 2A. + For Anæmia in Men & Women IRON JELLOIDS No. 2. + For Growing Children IRON JELLOIDS No. 1. + +_Of all Chemists. A Ten Days Treatment 1/3. Large size 3/-_ + + +_Manufactured by The Iron Jelloid Co., Ltd., 189, Central Street, +London, E.C.1. England._ + + + + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic] + + + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Transcriber's Note | + | | + | Details of minor typographical corrections and retained | + | mis-spellings are provided in the source of the associated | + | html version. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's A Humorous History of England, by C. 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Harrison + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: A Humorous History of England + +Author: C. Harrison + +Release Date: August 22, 2008 [EBook #26388] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A HUMOROUS HISTORY OF ENGLAND *** + + + + +Produced by Chris Curnow, David Wilson and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + + + + +<hr class="pg" /> + + + + +<div class="cover"> +<div class="illus pgbrk"><p><a name="png.001" id="png.001"></a><span class="ns">[</span><span + class="pgmark">front cover</span><span class="ns">]<br + /></span><img src="images/cover.png" width="482" height="700" + alt="PRICE: THREE PENCE +A Humorous History of England +The essentials of England’s History Told in Rhyme +Light and Amusing +Told and Pictured By C. Harrison. +Price 3d. +With Forty Eight Illustrations" title="Front Cover" /></p></div> + +</div> + + +<p class="border before70"><img + src="images/advert.png" width="700" height="47" + alt="" title="fancy border" /></p> +<div class="advert"> +<h2><a name="png.002" id="png.002"></a><span class="ns">[</span><span + class="pgmark">ad1</span><span class="ns">]<br + /></span><i><span class="smc">Concerning</span></i><br + /><span class="illus"><img src="images/anemia.png" width="450" height="108" + alt="Anæmia" title="" /><br + /><small>(Poorness of Blood.)</small></span><br + /><span class="so">IN MEN AND WOMEN,</span><br + /><small><i>BY THE LATE</i></small><br + /><i><b>DR. ANDREW WILSON.</b></i></h2> + +<p><i>The public are very familiar with the term “Anæmia,” and this fact +alone testifies to the extremely common nature of the ailment thus indicated.</i></p> + +<p><i>As a rule Anæmia shows a gradual progress. <span class="ul">There is experienced a feeling +of lassitude, of being “easily tired out,” and a distaste for active exertion. +The digestion is enfeebled</span>, and, without feeling actually ill, the sufferer +inclines towards an inactive life, while the appetite usually disappears, and a +general bodily upset is represented. The lips are pale, the red of the eyelids, +seen by turning down the lower eyelid, will exhibit a similar appearance. +Breathlessness is another notable sign; the least exertion, going upstairs for +instance, causes the sufferer to pant, because the heart, not being supplied +with blood of good quality, cannot perform its work properly. The pulse +is weak and irregular.</i></p> + +<p class="narrow"><b><i>For ANÆMIA (shown by breathlessness +on slight exertion, pallor, depression and +weakness) Doctors prescribe the well-known +Iron Jelloids No. 2.—there is nothing better.</i></b></p> + +<p class="narrow"><b><i>For DEBILITY, WEAKNESS and NERVINESS, +Men find the Ideal Tonic and +Restorative in Iron Jelloids No. 2A.</i></b></p> + +<div class="greybox"> +<p class="ctr"><em>A Ten Days Treatment (price 1/3) will convince you.</em></p> + +<div class="illus"><p class="squish"><img src="images/jelloids-trans.png" width="500" height="106" + alt="Iron ‘Jelloids’" title="" + /></p><p class="cap squish"><small class="tiny">(<i>Pronounced Jell-Lloyds.</i>)</small></p></div> + +<table summary="Which Iron Jelloids for you"> +<tr><td><b><i>Reliable Tonic for Men</i></b></td> + <td><b><i>Iron Jelloids No. 2A.</i></b></td></tr> +<tr><td><b><i>For Anæmia in Men and <span class="split">Women</span></i></b></td> + <td><b><i>Iron Jelloids No. 2.</i></b></td></tr> +<tr><td><b><i>For Growing Children</i></b></td> + <td><b><i>Iron Jelloids No. 1.</i></b></td></tr> +</table> + +<p class="ctr"><i>Of all Chemists. <span class="spread">A Ten Days Treatment 1/3.</span> Large size 3/-</i></p> + +</div> + +<p class="tiny ctr"><i>Manufactured by The Iron Jelloid Co., Ltd., 189, Central Street, <span class="nw">London, E.C.1.</span> England.</i></p> +</div> +<p class="border after70 pgbrk"><img src="images/trevda.png" width="700" height="47" + alt="" title="fancy border" /></p> + + +<div class="title"> +<a name="png.003" id="png.003"></a><span class="ns">[p</span><span + class="pgmark">1</span><span class="ns">]<br + /></span> + + + +<h1>A HUMOROUS<br + />HISTORY OF ENGLAND</h1> + + + +<h2>TOLD AND PICTURED<br + /><small>BY</small><br + />C. HARRISON</h2> + +<h4 class="pgbrk">Published by<br + /><big>WARRICK & BIRD,</big><br + />4, Nile Street, London, N.1.<br + />1920.</h4> + +<div class="illus"><p><a name="png.004" id="png.004"></a><span class="ns">[p</span><span + class="pgmark">2</span><span class="ns">]<br + /></span><img src="images/illus-004.png" width="516" height="700" + alt="An After-Dinner Speech in Ye Olden Time. (And any other Time.)" title="" /></p></div> + +</div> + +<div class="main"> +<a name="png.005" id="png.005"></a><span class="ns">[p</span><span + class="pgmark">3</span><span class="ns">]<br + /></span> + +<div class="history"> + <!-- without these pointless IE6 stuffs up positioning of sidenotes --> +<div class="illus xtra"><p><img src="images/illus-005a.png" width="350" height="319" + alt="" title="" /><br + /><i>BOADICEA.</i></p></div> + +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Preface</b><br class="ns" /></small> +<i>“Arms and the man” was Virgil’s strain; +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +But we propose in lighter vein</i></p> +<p><i>To browse a crop from pastures (Green’s) +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Of England’s Evolution scenes.</i></p> +<p><i>Who would from facts prognosticate +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +The future progress of this State,</i></p> +<p><i>Must own the chiefest fact to be +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Her escalator is the Sea.</i></p> + +<div class="illus"><p><img src="images/illus-005b.png" width="600" height="190" + alt="“Take cover”" title="" /></p></div> + +<p class="newstanza"><small class="sidenote"><b>Prehistoric</b><br class="ns" /></small> +<big>H</big>ISTORIANS erudite and sage, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +When writing of the past stone age,</p> +<p class="line2">Tell us man once was clothed in skins +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +And tattooed patterns on his shins.</p> +<p>Rough bearded and with shaggy locks +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +He lived in dug-outs in the rocks.</p> +<p>Was often scared and run to earth +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +By creatures of abnormal girth:</p> +<p>Mammoths and monsters; truth to tell +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +We find their names too long to spell.</p> +<p>He joined in little feuds no doubt; +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +And with his weapons fashioned out</p> +<p>Of flint, went boldly to the fray; +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +And cracked a skull or two per day.<br class="ns" /></p> + +<p class="newstanza"><small class="sidenote"><b>Druids</b><br class="ns" /></small> +<big>W</big>E read of priests of Celtic day, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Ancient Druids, holding sway</p> +<p class="line2">By smattering of Occult law +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +And man’s eternal sense of awe.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Stonehenge</b><br class="ns" /></small> +They used Stonehenge on Salisbury Plain +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Reputed Prehistoric Fane;</p> +<p>Note each megalithic boulder; +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +No Monument in Europe’s older.<br class="ns" /></p> + +<div class="illus"><p><img src="images/illus-005c.png" width="600" height="204" + alt="" title="" /></p></div> +</div> + +<a name="png.006" id="png.006"></a><span class="ns">[p</span><span + class="pgmark">4</span><span class="ns">]<br + /></span> + +<div class="history"> + +<div class="illus xtra"><p><img src="images/illus-006a.png" width="300" height="255" + alt="“Veni, Vidi, Vici”" title="" /></p></div> + +<p class="newstanza"><small class="sidenote"><b>Phœnicians</b><br class="ns" /></small> +<big>M</big>ERCHANT explorers of that day, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Hustling Phœnicians, came this way</p> +<p class="line2">To ship tin ore from Cornish mines +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Three thousand years before these lines.</p> +<p>But still in spite of petty strife +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Man lived what’s termed the ‘simple life’</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Julius Cæsar +<span class="nw">B.C. 55</span></b><br class="ns" /></small>Till Julius Cæsar in five-five +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +With his galleys did arrive.</p> +<p>He wrote despatches of the best, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +‘Veni, Vidi’ and the rest,</p> +<p>Sending the news of victory home; +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +And flags then fluttered high in Rome.</p> +<p>His ‘photo’ one plain fact discloses +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +He brought in fashion Roman noses.</p> +<p>Of this great General ’tis allowed +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +The best ‘Life’ is by J. A. Froude.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Boadicea +<span class="nw">A.D. 62</span></b><br class="ns" /></small> +Boadicea earns our praise. +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +First woman leader in those days;</p> +<p>For Freedom strove all she could do, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +’Twas lost in A.D. sixty-two.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Agricola</b><br class="ns" /></small> +Then came Agricola one day +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +And gained a battle near the Tay.</p> +<p>He started trimming up this isle, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +And laid out roads in Roman style.</p> +<p>East, North, South, West, it’s safe to say +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +His handiwork is traced to-day.</p> +<p>The Natives too were taught to know +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +By busy merchants’ constant flow</p> +<p>The wisdom that great Empire held; +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Their ignorance was thus dispelled.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Romans left +<span class="nw">A.D. 410</span></b><br class="ns" /></small> +About four hundred-ten A.D. +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +The Romans left sans cérémonie.</p> +<p>Can it be wondered at when Rome +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Was needing help ’gainst Huns at home.</p> +<p>Our antiquarians often find +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +The relics which they left behind;</p> +<p>A Villa here and pavement there, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Coins galore and Roman ware.</p> + +<div class="illus"><p><img src="images/illus-006b.png" width="600" height="239" + alt="" title="" /></p></div> + +<p class="newstanza"><small class="sidenote"><b>Anglo-Saxons +<span class="nw">A.D. 430</span></b><br class="ns" /></small> +<big>A</big>ND so we run our flippant rhymes +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Right on to Anglo-Saxon times.</p> +<p class="line2">Hengist and Horsa with their men +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Came from their Jutish pirate den,</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Jutes</b><br class="ns" /></small> +And paid us visits in their ships +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Bent on their ruthless looting trips.</p> +<p>And Angles landing in the Humber +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Gave that district little slumber.</p> +<p>They plundered morning, noon, and night, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Were rough, uncouth, and impolite,</p> +<p>No ‘By your leave’ or ‘S’il vous plait’ +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +They came to rob, remained to prey.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Horsa +455</b><br class="ns" /></small> +Horsa was slain in four-five-five, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Leaving Hengist still alive</p> +<p>To live out his allotted term, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Surviving partner of the Firm.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>King Arthur</b><br class="ns" /></small> +Time has many a fable wound +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +About King Arthur’s table round,</p> +<p>Where Knights quaffed cordials, wines and ales, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +And told their little fairy tales.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Augustine +597</b><br class="ns" /></small> +About six hundred years A.D. +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +To teach us Christianity</p> +<p>Came Augustine. Wondrous Story; +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Canterbury’s Pile his glory.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Heptarchy +827</b><br class="ns" /></small> +Called ‘Heptarchy’ the seven Saxon +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +States each other made attacks on;</p> +<p>After four hundred years they’d striven +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +They coalesced in eight-two-seven.</p> + +</div> + +<a name="png.007" id="png.007"></a><span class="ns">[p</span><span + class="pgmark">5</span><span class="ns">]<br + /></span> + +<div class="history"> + +<div class="illus"><p><img src="images/illus-007a.png" width="600" height="204" + alt="IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic" title="" /></p></div> + +<p class="newstanza"><small class="sidenote"><b>Alfred +<span class="nw">872–901</span></b><br class="ns" /></small> +<big>O</big>F good King Alfred we’ve all heard +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +How when hiding he incurred</p> +<p class="line2">A lady’s anger for not taking +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Care of Cakes which she was baking.</p> +<p>(Most probably she left the King +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +While she went out a-gossiping.)</p> +<p>Before he died in nine-nought-one, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Old England’s Navy had begun.</p> +<p>He laid a tax on every town +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +To aid his fleet to gain renown.</p> +<p>He was the best of Saxon Kings +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +And did a lot of useful things;</p> +<p>Built Oxford with its noble spires +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +And mapped out England into Shires.</p> + +<p class="newstanza"><small class="sidenote"><b>Danes +783</b><br class="ns" /></small> +<big>I</big>N seven-eight-three first came the Danes +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Who caused the Saxons aches and pains.</p> +<p class="line2">They sailed right up our rivers broad, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Putting the natives to the sword.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>“Danegeld” +991</b><br class="ns" /></small> +For centuries our sadly fated +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Towns by them were devastated.</p> +<p><ins class="TN" title="Transcriber's note: + original (mis)spelling retained">Etheldred</ins> the ‘Unready Toff’ +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +By ‘Danegeld’ tries to buy them off.</p> + +<div class="illus"><p><img src="images/illus-007b.png" width="600" height="198" + alt="IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic" title="" /></p></div> + +<p class="newstanza"><small class="sidenote"><b>Canute +<span class="nw">1014–1036</span></b><br class="ns" /></small> +<big>T</big>WO hundred years the raiding Danes +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Came over. Then their Canute reigns.</p> +<p class="line2">We’ll merely mention that he tried +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +An object lesson with the tide.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Hardicanute +<span class="nw">1039–1041</span></b><br class="ns" /></small> +Hardicanute, sad to confess, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Died from drinking to excess.</p> +<p>He couldn’t conquer love of wine +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +And with him went the Danish line.</p> + +<p class="newstanza"><small class="sidenote"><b>Edward +the Confessor +<span class="nw">1041–1066</span></b><br class="ns" /></small> +<big>E</big>DWARD the Confessor staid +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +The Saxon line renewed. Remade</p> +<p class="line2">At Westminster the Abbey grand, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +And signed the first ‘Will’ in this land.</p> +<p>And since his time (’tis not refuted) +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Scores of Wills have been disputed.</p> +<p>Ah! legal quibbles such as these +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Mean Lawyers waxing rich on fees.</p> + +<p class="newstanza"><small class="sidenote"><b>Harold +1066</b><br class="ns" /></small> +<big>H</big>AROLD last of the Saxon line +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +At Hastings made an effort fine</p> +<p class="line2">And lost his life—it was to be, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Crushed by the men of Normandy.</p> +<p>From Scandinavia they’d come, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +And made fair Normandy their home;</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>William the +<ins class="TN" title="Transcriber's note: + original (mis)spelling retained">Conquerer</ins> +<span class="nw">1066–1087</span></b><br class="ns" /></small> +Whence William spying out our shore, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Oliver-Twist-like, wanted more.</p> +<p>In ten-six-six he won the day +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +In that tough fight out Hastings way.</p> +<p>Of course, no record in our reach, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Depicts ‘ole Bill’ thus on the beach.</p> + +<div class="illus"><p><img src="images/illus-007c.png" width="600" height="199" + alt="" title="" /></p></div> + +</div> + +<a name="png.008" id="png.008"></a><span class="ns">[p</span><span + class="pgmark">6</span><span class="ns">]<br + /></span> + +<div class="history"> + +<div class="illus xtra"><p><img src="images/illus-008.png" width="600" height="241" + alt="GOODE NYGHTE" title="IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic" /></p></div> + +<p class="newstanza"><small class="sidenote"><b>William the +<ins class="TN" title="Transcriber's note: + original (mis)spelling retained">Conquerer</ins> +<span class="nw">1066–1087</span></b><br class="ns" /></small> +<big>B</big>UT one thing’s certain. Camera men, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +If only they’d existed then,</p> +<p class="line2">Would have journeyed many a mile +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +To ‘snap’ King William’s happy smile.</p> +<p>They made him King and schoolbooks say +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +He ruled with arbitrary sway;</p> +<p>Demanding with sharp battle axes +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Instant payment of big taxes.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Curfew</b><br class="ns" /></small> +And p’raps it’s just as well to tell +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +He introduced the Curfew Bell;</p> +<p>So at the early hour of eight +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Each doused his glim, raked out his grate.</p> +<p>In bed at eight P.M. each day +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Life was but sombre, dull and grey;</p> +<p>No cutting fancy ball room capers, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +No Cinemas or evening papers.</p> +<p>He was a bully it is true, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +But to allow him his just due</p> +<p>He made reforms; he also took +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +In hand the bulky Doomsday book.</p> + +<p class="newstanza"><big>I</big>N William’s time we’re glad to write +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +People began to be polite;</p> +<p class="line2">Ladies curtseyed to their beaux, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Who smartly raised their gay chapeaux.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>The Jews</b><br class="ns" /></small> +The Jews he introduced from Spain +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Bringing much knowledge in their train</p> +<p>Of Arts and Science; but ‘Longshanks’ +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Expelled them with no word of thanks.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Feudalism</b><br class="ns" /></small> +These were the well known Feudal days, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Tenants were slaves in many ways</p> +<p>To mighty Lords who owned the land +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +And ruled them with an iron hand.</p> +<p>Not free from duties were the Lords, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +The King could call upon their swords</p> +<p>And men to fight in time of need. +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +So feudal laws of old decreed.</p> + +<p class="newstanza"><small class="sidenote"><b>William Rufus +<span class="nw">1087–1100</span></b><br class="ns" /></small> +<big>W</big>ILLIAM Rufus or the ‘Red’ +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +In ten-eight-seven ruled instead;</p> +<p class="line2">This may be; but we know, alack, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Though he was red his deeds were black.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Crusades +1095</b><br class="ns" /></small> +The first Crusade in ten-nine-five, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +A million men, a very hive,</p> +<p>Swarm to the East, the Holy plain +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +From the Mohammedans to gain.</p> + +<p class="newstanza"><small class="sidenote"><b>Henry I. +<span class="nw">1100–1135</span></b><br class="ns" /></small> +<big>H</big>ENRY the First, of wisdom rife, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Saxon Matilda makes his wife,</p> +<p class="line2">Saxon and Norman line uniting, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +A learned chap who loved not fighting.</p> + +<p class="newstanza"><small class="sidenote"><b>Stephen +<span class="nw">1135–1154</span></b><br class="ns" /></small> +<big>S</big>TEPHEN of Blois ascends the throne +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +And ’gainst Matilda holds his own;</p> +<p class="line2">Grandson of the Conqueror; +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Died in eleven-fifty-four.</p> + +<p class="newstanza"><small class="sidenote"><b>Henry II. +<span class="nw">1154–1189</span></b><br class="ns" /></small> +<big>H</big>ENRY the Second claims our rhyme +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +‘The hardest worker of his time’;</p> +<p class="line2">A wiser King we never had +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Nor father with his sons so bad.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Becket</b><br class="ns" /></small> +This the first ‘Plantagenet’ King +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +With Becket strove like anything;</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Church v. +Crown</b><br class="ns" /></small> +Which should be Master, Church or Crown +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Pull-King Pull-Bishop; both went down.</p> +<p>Thomas was murdered by four Knights +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +On steps of Altar—Sorry wights:</p> +<p>With bleeding feet the King atones +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +By pilgrimage to Becket’s bones.</p> +<p>Despite his struggles with the Church +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +He knocked the barons off their perch,</p> +<p>Fifteen hundred Castles razing +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +In a manner quite amazing.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Law</b><br class="ns" /></small> +Trial by jury further grows; +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +The King’s Court in this reign arose;</p> +<p>Our Parliaments from this proceed +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +And all our other Courts indeed.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Linen</b><br class="ns" /></small> +Linen’s first used in twelve-five +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Woollens alone in vogue before.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Glass Windows</b><br class="ns" /></small> +In eleven-eight-nought first came to pass +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +The novelty of window glass.</p> +<p>And doubtless playful little boys +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Full of children’s simple joys,</p> +<p>Cracked as our youngsters often do +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +With stones or ball a pane or two.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Richard +Cœur de Lion +<span class="nw">1189–1199</span></b><br class="ns" /></small> +Cœur de Lion from one Crusade +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Returning was a prisoner made.</p> +<p>But Blondel played an Air he knew, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +The King joined in; Voilà the clue.</p> +<p>This catchy tune in a pleasant key +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Opened the door to liberty.</p> + +</div> + +<a name="png.009" id="png.009"></a><span class="ns">[p</span><span + class="pgmark">7</span><span class="ns">]<br + /></span> + +<div class="history"> + +<div class="illus"><p><img src="images/illus-009a.png" width="600" height="225" + alt="IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic" title="" /></p></div> + +<p class="newstanza"><small class="sidenote"><b>John +<span class="nw">1199–1216</span></b><br class="ns" /></small> +<big>A</big>ND so we’ll quickly journey on +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Until we reach the reign of John;</p> +<p class="line2">A King whose list of crimes was heavy; +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +He treated badly his young ‘Nevvy’.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Magna Charta +1215</b><br class="ns" /></small> +He signed the Magna Charta. Yes; +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +In twelve-fifteen, but we may guess</p> +<p>With much ill grace and many a twist; +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +For King John wrote an awful fist.</p> +<p>John loses Normandy to France +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +And by this beneficial chance</p> +<p>In England comes amalgamation; +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Normans and Saxons form one Nation</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Robin Hood</b><br class="ns" /></small> +And now we come to Robin Hood, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +The Forest bandit of Sherwood,</p> +<p>A popular hero much belauded +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +But not by folks whom he’d defrauded.</p> +<p>There’s no need to descant upon +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +His boon companion ‘Little John’;</p> +<p>Or ‘Friar Tuck’ so overblown +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +He tipped the scale at fifteen stone.</p> + +<p class="newstanza"><small class="sidenote"><b>Henry III. +<span class="nw">1216–1272</span></b><br class="ns" /></small> +<big>A</big>ND what of Henry number Three, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +The King who suffered poverty?</p> +<p class="line2">It’s very awkward we must own +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +To be ‘hard up’ when on a Throne;</p> + +<div class="illus"><p><img src="images/illus-009b.png" width="600" height="225" + alt="IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic" title="" /></p></div> + +<p>To have to scrape up an amount +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +To pay the butcher on account,</p> +<p>Or ask a dun in Kingly way +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +To kindly call some other day.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Coinage +1257</b><br class="ns" /></small> +In twelve-five-seven it is stated +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Gold was coined and circulated,</p> +<p>Ha’pence and farthings just before; +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +In those times worth a great deal more.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Langton +Died 1228</b><br class="ns" /></small> +The Bible which from over seas +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Had no chapters and no verses</p> +<p>Was by Archbishop Langton’s skill +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Divided as we use it still.</p> + +<div class="illus"><p><img src="images/illus-009c.png" width="600" height="234" + alt="IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic" title="" /></p></div> + +<p>Why was it Henry III. allowed +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +At court a huge rapacious crowd</p> +<p>To drain his coffers nearly dry +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Flattering with cajolery?</p> + +</div> + +<a name="png.010" id="png.010"></a><span class="ns">[p</span><span + class="pgmark">8</span><span class="ns">]<br + /></span> + +<div class="history"> + +<div class="illus"><p><img src="images/illus-010a.png" width="600" height="212" + alt="" title="" /></p></div> + +<p class="newstanza"><small class="sidenote"><b>Astrology</b><br class="ns" /></small> +<big>M</big>ANY simple folk, (it’s queer) +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Used to patronise the seer</p> +<p class="line2">And pay cash down for magic spell +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Perchance a Horoscope as well.</p> +<p>Or open wide at special rate +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +That musty tome the Book of Fate;</p> +<p>Or seek the Philtre’s subtle aid +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +To win the hand of some fair maid.</p> +<p>We <ins class="TN" title="Transcriber's note: + original (mis)spelling retained">mus’nt</ins> miss the Troubadours +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Who went forth on their singing tours,</p> +<p>Twanging harps and trilling lays +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +To maids of medieval days.</p> +<p>And Oh! the right good merry times +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +With Maskers, Mummers and the Mimes,</p> +<p>Hobby horses gaily prancing, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Bats and Bowls and Maypole dancing.</p> +<p>When folks would take a lengthy journey +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +To see the Knights at Joust or Tourney:</p> +<p>Or watch the early English ‘Knuts’ +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Show their skill at Archery butts.</p> +<p>Then come gloomy History pages +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +On torture of the Middle ages;</p> +<p>The clanking fetters grim and black, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +The thumbscrew and the awful rack,</p> +<p>The horrors of the dungeon deep +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Beneath the moat or castle keep,</p> +<p>Rusty locks and heavy keys +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +And—let us change the subject, please.</p> +<p>First House of Commons twelve-six-five, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +At Westminster they all arrive.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Simon de +Montfort +1265</b><br class="ns" /></small> +Simon de Montfort was the man +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Who ‘engineered’ this useful plan.</p> +<p>And we can picture these M.P.s +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Newly fledged and ill at ease</p> +<p>Doing their level best to try +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +To catch the embryo speaker’s eye.</p> + +<div class="illus"><p><img src="images/illus-010b.png" width="600" height="205" + alt="IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic" title="" /></p></div> + +<p class="newstanza"><small class="sidenote"><b>Edward I. +<span class="nw">1272–1307</span></b><br class="ns" /></small> +<big>E</big>DWARD First ‘Longshanks’ nicknamed +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +For his lengthy stride far-famed.</p> +<p class="line2">Here he is in twelve-seven-two +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Bounding along with much ado.</p> +<p>A Soldier, Statesman and a King +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +His lofty ideals picturing</p> +<p>That England, Scotland, Wales all three, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +United should one country be.</p> + +<div class="illus"><p><img src="images/illus-010c.png" width="600" height="211" + alt="IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic" title="" /></p></div> + +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>First Prince +of Wales +1282</b><br class="ns" /></small> +In twelve-eight-two annexes Wales; +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Where afterwards no strife prevails.</p> +<p>He promised a Prince with English +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +So gave his new-born speechless son.</p> + +</div> + +<a name="png.011" id="png.011"></a><span class="ns">[p</span><span + class="pgmark">9</span><span class="ns">]<br + /></span> + +<div class="history"> + +<div class="illus"><p><img src="images/illus-011a.png" width="600" height="229" + alt="IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic" title="" /></p></div> + +<p class="newstanza"><small class="sidenote"><b>Edward I. +<span class="nw">1272–1307</span> +(continued)</b><br class="ns" /></small> +<big>N</big>EXT Scotland Edward tries to tackle +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +No easy task the Scotch to shackle;</p> +<p class="line2">Wallace and Bruce resistance make, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +The King dies ere he gains the stake.</p> +<p>In Edward’s reign some author writes +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +They first used candle dips for lights;</p> +<p>And coal came in about this date +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Mixed (as to-day) with lots of slate.</p> + +<div class="illus"><p><img src="images/illus-011b.png" width="600" height="201" + alt="IRON JELLOIDS" title="" /></p></div> + +<p>So Monarchs, Barons, Dukes and Knights +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Warmed their toes with Derby Brights;</p> +<p>But those in hovels had the smuts +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Arising from cheap Kitchen Nuts.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Roger Bacon +1293</b><br class="ns" /></small> +Roger Bacon (ob. twelve-nine-three) +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Versed was in arts of alchemy;</p> +<p>Gunpowder’s composition knew; +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +And many another chemic brew.</p> +<p>Many Mortmain Acts are passed; +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Six centuries these efforts last</p> +<p>To stop the hungry Hierarchy +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Devouring all the Squirearchy.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Lollards +1307</b><br class="ns" /></small> +Lollards in thirteen-seven arose +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Popish rituals to oppose;</p> +<p>John Wycliffe gives to old and young +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +The Bible in the vulgar tongue.</p> +<p>With John of Gaunt’s protection strong +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +He dared to preach ’gainst cleric wrong;</p> +<p>Precursor of the Reformation +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +To liberal thought attuned the nation.</p> + +<p class="newstanza"><small class="sidenote"><b>Edward II. +<span class="nw">1307–1327</span></b><br class="ns" /></small> +<big>E</big>DWARD the Second with his minions +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Governs badly these dominions</p> +<p class="line2 hack"><small class="sidenote hack"><b>Edward III. +<span class="nw">1327–1377</span></b><br class="ns" /></small> +His son a man of different mould +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Was Edward Three, both wise and bold.</p> +<p>Through clinging to their French domains +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Our Kings are French through many reigns</p> +<p>And Edward fighting in this cause +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Commenced a hundred years of Wars.</p> +<p>A century’s struggle. For our pains +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Only Calais town remains.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>French Wars</b><br class="ns" /></small> +A century after this ’twas lost, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +In Mary’s reign. Oh! what a frost.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Weaving +1331</b><br class="ns" /></small> +In thirteen-three-one England’s taught +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Weaving by men from Flanders brought.</p> +<p>Ryghte goode cloth with lots of ‘body’ +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +The world was then not up to ‘shoddy.’</p> +<p>Blanket of Bristol in this year +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Invented blankets for our cheer;</p> +<p>And since that time its been our boast +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Our beds have been as warm as toast.</p> +<p>Edward ‘Black Prince’ One-three-four-six, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +A brave and noble warrior, ‘licks’</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Crecy +1346</b><br class="ns" /></small> +The valiant French in Crecy’s fray; +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Cannon first used upon this day,</p> +<p>Causing panic with their rattle; +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +But the Yeomen win the battle,</p> +<p>For, flicking arrows from their bows +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +They ‘filled the air as when it snows.’</p> +<p>Thereon the English Calais seize +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +And of the channel hold the keys;</p> +<p>The Spanish pirates bend the knee +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Then Edward III’s ‘King of the sea.’</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Parliament +1376</b><br class="ns" /></small> +Lords and Commons from this date +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Have their meetings separate,</p> +<p>The Commons first a Speaker make +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +The Chancellors the Woolsack take.</p> +<p>Ten lady members have the Lords +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +But doubtless fearful of their words,</p> +<p>Or thinking it not orthodoxy, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +They only let them vote by proxy.</p> +<p>While Church and Barons have their squabbles +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +The House of Commons more power nobbles;</p> +<p>On laws and taxes dares speak out +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +And give the Pope the right-about.</p> + +</div> + +<a name="png.012" id="png.012"></a><span class="ns">[p</span><span + class="pgmark">10</span><span class="ns">]<br + /></span> + +<div class="history"> + +<div class="illus"><p><img src="images/illus-012a.png" width="600" height="237" + alt="Kinge Rychard Ye II quarrelinge withe hysse People" + title="IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic" /></p></div> + +<p class="newstanza"><small class="sidenote"><b>Leasing</b><br class="ns" /></small> +<big>L</big>EASING or Farming, we are taught, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Was introduced ’bout twelve-nought-nought;</p> +<p class="line2">The Feudal system’s weakened and +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +The Tenants ‘usufruct’ the land.</p> +<p>On various counts the serfs go free +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +And work for wages (Edward Three).</p> +<p>The Black Death and the foreign wars +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +In labour ranks commotion cause;</p> +<p>Strikes and craftsmen’s combination +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Then arise among the nation;</p> +<p>These movements preached by one John Ball, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Who, born too soon, was hanged withal.</p> + +<p class="newstanza"><small class="sidenote"><b>Richard II. +<span class="nw">1377–1399</span></b><br class="ns" /></small> +<big>N</big>OW comes the Second Richard’s reign. +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +It is recorded very plain</p> +<p class="line2">That he was full of discontent +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Quarrelling with his Parliament.</p> + +<div class="illus"><p><img src="images/illus-012b.png" width="600" height="240" + alt="“By my Halidom I’ll not pay it”" title="" /></p></div> + +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Poll Tax +1380</b><br class="ns" /></small> +With his taxes super-sated +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +The peasants grew exasperated;</p> +<p>They threw their spades and pitchforks down +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +And marched as rebels into town.</p> +<p>Thirteen-eighty’s Poll taxation +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Puts equal tax on all the nation;</p> +<p>Lays seven thousand peasants dead; +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Wat Tyler and Jack Straw at head.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Præmunire</b><br class="ns" /></small> +Præmunire Act is passed +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +To check the Papal Bulls at last.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Chaucer</b><br class="ns" /></small> +Chaucer the Poet this same year +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Makes Pilgrimage to Becket’s bier.</p> + +<div class="illus"><p><img src="images/illus-012c.png" width="600" height="214" + alt="FORTES FORTUNA JUVAT." title="IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic" /></p></div> + +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Age of +Chivalry</b><br class="ns" /></small> +This was the age, aye verily, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Of ryghte goode noble chivalry,</p> +<p>When Knights went forth through storm and stress +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +To rescue beauty in distress.</p> + +</div> + +<a name="png.013" id="png.013"></a><span class="ns">[p</span><span + class="pgmark">11</span><span class="ns">]<br + /></span> + +<div class="history"> + +<div class="illus"><p><img src="images/illus-013a.png" width="600" height="228" + alt="IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic" title="" /></p></div> + +<p>Or sallied out in valiant way +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +A monster dragon for to slay,</p> +<p>Or with lance or trusty blade +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Defend from harm the hapless maid.</p> + +<p class="newstanza"><small class="sidenote"><b>Henry IV. +<span class="nw">1399–1413</span></b><br class="ns" /></small> +<big>H</big>ENRY Four, called ‘Bolingbroke’ +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +In Richard’s wheel puts many a spoke;</p> +<p class="line2">Compels him to resign the throne +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Which thereupon he makes his own.</p> +<p>Through John of Gaunt, Lancastrian famed, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +His title to the crown he claimed;</p> +<p>The Parliament confirms his right +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +And thus he’s king without a fight.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Lollards +1401</b><br class="ns" /></small> +In this reign persecution’s turned +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Against the Lollards—Cobham’s burned.</p> +<p>Incredible! The records show +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +A statute ‘de Comburondo.’</p> + +<p class="newstanza"><small class="sidenote"><b>Henry V. +<span class="nw">1413–1422</span></b><br class="ns" /></small> +<big>F</big>ROM fourteen-thirteen, Henry Five, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +For many years with France did strive;</p> +<p class="line2">His Widow founds the Tudor House +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +By taking Owen for her spouse.</p> + +<p class="newstanza"><small class="sidenote"><b>Henry VI. +<span class="nw">1422–1461</span></b><br class="ns" /></small> +<big>H</big>ENRY Six, next in our rhymes, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +For fifty years had troublous times;</p> +<p class="line2">Wars of Roses, Wars with France, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +The poor man never had a chance.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Joan of Arc +1430</b><br class="ns" /></small> +Joan of Arc the peasant Maid +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Inspired the French with Mystic aid;</p> +<p>Disunited, we make peace, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +All France but Calais we release.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Constantinople +1453</b><br class="ns" /></small> +Constantinople’s seized by Turks +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Causing Greek Scholars (with their works)</p> +<p>To fly to Italy; and thence +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Learning’s reborn—‘The Renaissance.’</p> + +<p class="newstanza"><small class="sidenote"><b>Edward IV. +<span class="nw">1461–1483</span></b><br class="ns" /></small> +<big>I</big>N Edward Fourth, fourteen-six-one +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +The House of York obtains the Throne.</p> +<p class="line2">He wins at Towton’s bloody fray, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +No quarter given on that day.</p> +<p>Guy, Earl of Warwick in these frays +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Was always turning different ways;</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Barnet +1471</b><br class="ns" /></small> +On Barnet Field he met his doom +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +The Rose of York’s now well abloom.</p> +<p>The Barons, Church and Commons fall, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +The King emerges Boss of all.</p> +<p>Benevolences he exacts, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +An early form of Super Tax.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Earl of +Warwick</b><br class="ns" /></small> +‘Kingmaker’ was Earl Warwick styled +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +With his manner scarcely mild</p> +<p>He set Kings up and bowled them down +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Playing at ninepins with the Crown.</p> + +<div class="illus"><p><img src="images/illus-013b.png" width="600" height="258" + alt="IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic" title="" /></p></div> + +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Wars of Roses +1485</b><br class="ns" /></small> +White and Red Rose warring madly +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Bled the country very sadly,</p> +<p>Three-and-thirty years contending; +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +At Bosworth Field we see the ending.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Printing +1473</b><br class="ns" /></small> +First in fourteen-seventy-three +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +We print from type in this Countree.</p> +<p>Now it is that time’s first measured +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +By monster watches greatly treasured.</p> +<p>Thomas Parr this centurie +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +His hundred-fifty years did see;</p> +<p>But Henry Jenkins, so ’tis said, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +In age was seventeen years ahead.</p> +<p>Hoary patriarchs were these +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Retaining p’raps their faculties;</p> +<p>What a comfort ’tis to mention +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Neither drew the old age pension.</p> + +</div> + +<a name="png.014" id="png.014"></a><span class="ns">[p</span><span + class="pgmark">12</span><span class="ns">]<br + /></span> + +<div class="history"> + +<div class="illus"><p><img src="images/illus-014a.png" width="600" height="201" + alt="Ye Bookeworme burninge ye Midnyghte Oile" + title="IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic" /></p></div> + +<p class="newstanza"> +<big>P</big>RINTING started through the Nation +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +A taste for higher education;</p> +<p class="line2">Here is a citizen at home; +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Note his very brainy Dome.</p> + +<p class="newstanza"><small class="sidenote"><b>Richard III. +<span class="nw">1483–1485</span></b><br class="ns" /></small> +<big>R</big>ICHARD (Crookback) in fateful hour +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Smothered his nephews in the Tower,</p> +<p class="line2">He murdered them the Crown to gain; +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +A heavy price for three years’ reign.</p> +<p>The Scutcheon’s blotted terribly +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Of this King Richard number Three,</p> +<p>For it seems his recreation +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Was ordering decapitation.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>1485</b><br class="ns" /></small> +On Bosworth Field when sorely pressed +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +He made a bid th’uncommonest</p> +<p>‘My kingdom for a horse’ he cried; +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +No offers coming, there he died.</p> + +<p class="newstanza"><small class="sidenote"><b>Henry VII. +<span class="nw">1485–1509</span></b><br class="ns" /></small> +<big>L</big>ANCASTRIAN Richmond wins the fight +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +And to make his title right</p> +<p class="line2">Elizabeth of York espouses, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Thus uniting the two Houses.</p> +<p>This Henry Seven of Tudor line +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +To misers’ habits did incline;</p> +<p>Twelve millions stated to possess, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +A tidy little fortune! Yes!</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Star Chamber</b><br class="ns" /></small> +Much he managed to extort +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +By means of a Star Chamber Court</p> +<p>From the rich nobles; A new wile +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +For adding to the kingly pile.</p> +<p>With cash in hand he could attain +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +His wish as Autocrat to reign;</p> +<p>As sole possessor of the guns +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +The King no risk from rebels runs.</p> + +<div class="illus"><p><img src="images/illus-014b.png" width="600" height="194" + alt="Skyscrape Flats to be erected here; + Buy Hustles chewing gum; + Fifth Avenue" title="IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic" /></p></div> + +<p class="newstanza"><small class="sidenote"><b>Columbus +1498</b><br class="ns" /></small> +<big>C</big>OLUMBUS, full of travellers’ lore, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +By going West sought India’s shore;</p> +<p class="line2">But found America’s wondrous land; +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +His ‘exes’ paid by Ferdinand.</p> +<p>Of voyagers we’ve now a lot +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Vasco <ins class="TN" title="Transcriber's note: + original reads 'de'">da</ins> Gama and Cabot,</p> +<p>Who sailed from Bristol, whence it grew +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Bristolians claim this fine cuckoo.</p> + +<div class="illus"><p><img src="images/illus-014c.png" width="600" height="191" + alt="Henry VIII Pops the Question" title="" /></p></div> + +<p class="newstanza"><small class="sidenote"><b>Henry VIII. +<span class="nw">1509–1547</span></b><br class="ns" /></small> +<big>N</big>OW Henry Eight comes on the screen, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +A stalwart youth, ætat. eighteen;</p> +<p class="line2">With youthful hope the nation’s buoyed; +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Only, alas! to be destroyed.</p> + +</div> + +<a name="png.015" id="png.015"></a><span class="ns">[p</span><span + class="pgmark">13</span><span class="ns">]<br + /></span> + +<div class="history"> + +<div class="illus"><p><img src="images/illus-015.png" width="521" height="700" + alt="Henry Ye Eighth Thynkynge offe Ye Past" title="" /></p></div> + +<p class="newstanza"><small class="sidenote"><b>Henry VIII. +<span class="nw">1509–1547</span> +(continued)</b><br class="ns" /></small> +<big>T</big>HIS King Henry number Eight +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Six times tried the married state;</p> +<p class="line2">And certainly of all the Kings +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Spent the most on wedding rings.</p> +<p>But to search through old Archives +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +For tales of Henry and his wives</p> +<p>And all their little tiffs to trace +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +We cannot spare the time or space.</p> +<p>Yet there are some who fain would sing +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +The praises of this rotund King;</p> +<p>But as a husband we’re afraid +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +His category’s lowest grade.</p> +<p>He wielded harsh the despot’s power, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +And packed his wives off to the Tower;</p> +<p>Consigned them to a fate most dreaded; +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Two, alas! he had beheaded.</p> + +</div> + +<a name="png.016" id="png.016"></a><span class="ns">[p</span><span + class="pgmark">14</span><span class="ns">]<br + /></span> + +<div class="history"> + +<div class="illus"><p><img src="images/illus-016a.png" width="600" height="267" + alt="IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic" title="" /><br + /><i>HAIL NOW TO THEE OUR GOOD QUEEN BESS!</i> + <small class="sidenote"><b>Henry VIII. +(continued)</b><br class="ns" /></small> +</p></div> + +<p class="newstanza"><small class="sidenote"><b>Reformation +1517</b><br class="ns" /></small> +<big>M</big>ARTIN Luther, fifteen-one-seven, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Sows his Reformation leaven;</p> +<p class="line2">It finds a culture medium here +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +In the ‘New Learning’s’ atmosphere.</p> +<p>Of this New Learning More’s the chief, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Utopia’s Author, He’s ’mid grief</p> +<p>Beheaded, saying cool and calm, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +‘Cut not my beard, that’s done no harm.’</p> +<p>His friend Erasmus, Logic’s Master, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Trimmed his sails and ’scaped disaster.</p> +<p>A third, Dean Colet who St. Paul’s +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +School London into being calls.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Wolsey +1530</b><br class="ns" /></small> +In fifteen-thirty Wolsey great, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +A Cardinal and Man of State,</p> +<p>From Butcher’s son had risen high. +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Reader! consult your Shakespeare nigh.</p> +<p>Blamed by some; by others praised; +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +He fell; but still the pile he raised</p> +<p>Most nobly graces Hampton Court. +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Give Wolsey then a tender thought.</p> +<p>His main ambition that the King +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Should be supreme in everything;</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Thomas +Cromwell</b><br class="ns" /></small> +And Thomas Cromwell followed suit +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +To make his master absolute</p> +<p>Head of the Church within his realm. +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +These two most able at the helm;</p> +<p>But not with skill enough endued +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +To ’scape their King’s ingratitude.</p> +<p>Despotical the King’s power grew. +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +He’s England’s Pope by Act of Su-</p> +<p>Premacy; as, to gain divorce, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +The foreign Pope is banned perforce.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>1537</b><br class="ns" /></small> +Now Bluff King Harry gives the Monks +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +A series of most awful funks;</p> +<p>Three thousand odd of their domains +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +He ‘collars’ for his Courtiers’ gains.</p> + +<p class="newstanza"><small class="sidenote"><b>Edward VI. +<span class="nw">1547–1553</span></b><br class="ns" /></small> +<big>E</big>DWARD Six to the throne succeeds +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +A pious youth of goodly deeds;</p> +<p class="line2">One, well known in the Capital, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +The Blue Coat School (Christ’s Hospital).</p> + +<p class="newstanza"><small class="sidenote"><b>Mary +<span class="nw">1553–1558</span></b><br class="ns" /></small> +<big>Q</big>UEEN Mary One, in Smithfield Square, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +At Oxford, Gloucester and elsewhere,</p> +<p class="line2">Burned poor Martyrs by the score; +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +The Romish faith she would restore.</p> + +<p class="newstanza"><small class="sidenote"><b>Elizabeth +<span class="nw">1558–1603</span></b><br class="ns" /></small> +<big>H</big>AIL now to thee our good Queen Bess, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Garbed in the puffed and padded dress,</p> +<p class="line2">Farthingale and starched up frills, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Meaning heavy laundry bills.</p> +<p>Od’s Bodikins; what monstrous ruffs, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +What gowns of rich embroidered stuffs</p> +<p>Piped and scolloped, trimmed with furs, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +And shaped like huge gasometers.</p> +<p>Now we’ve warfare of the Creeds, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +For their thoughts all Europe bleeds;</p> +<p>Each party seeks by force to make +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +The other side its faith forsake.</p> +<p>Spain the Great Power of those days +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +In these contentions first part plays.</p> + + +<div class="illus"><p><img src="images/illus-016b.png" width="600" height="188" + alt="Plymouth Hoe Bowling Club" title="IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic" /></p></div> + +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Drake</b><br class="ns" /></small> +Drake at bowls on Plymouth Hoe +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Left his game to meet this foe</p> +<p>And came home laden we are told +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +With seachests full of Spanish gold.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Armada +1588</b><br class="ns" /></small> +In fifteen-eight-eight Armada strong +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +From Spain to squash us comes along;</p> +<p>Which Howard, Frobisher and Drake +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +And stormy weather overtake.</p> + +</div> +<a name="png.017" id="png.017"></a><span class="ns">[p</span><span + class="pgmark">15</span><span class="ns">]<br + /></span> + +<div class="history"> + +<div class="illus"><p><img src="images/illus-017a.png" width="600" height="218" + alt="GLOBE THEATRE TONYGHTE + Ye Tragedye offe Hamlette + by William Shakspere" title="IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic" /></p></div> + +<p class="newstanza"><small class="sidenote"><b>Shakespeare +<span class="nw">1564–1616</span></b><br class="ns" /></small> +<big>A</big>ND in these epoch making days +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Shakespeare wrote and staged his plays;</p> +<p class="line2">Weaving a thread whose magic strands +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Entwine all English-speaking lands.</p> +<p>Fifteen-eight-seven Scots’ Queen Mary +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Lost her head through fate contrary.</p> +<p>When Henry Eight had robbed the Church +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +’Twas found the poor were in the lurch;</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Poor Law</b><br class="ns" /></small> +A law was passed about this date +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +To place the poor upon the rate.</p> + +<div class="illus"><p><img src="images/illus-017b.png" width="600" height="219" + alt="IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic" title="" /></p></div> + +<p class="newstanza"><small class="sidenote"><b>Sir Walter +Raleigh +<span class="nw">1552–1618</span></b><br class="ns" /></small> +<big>S</big>IR Walter Raleigh, best of Knights, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +The first to taste the keen delights</p> +<p class="line2">Of the enchantress so serene, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +The Ryghte Goode Ladye Nicotine.</p> +<p>No information’s yet to hand +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Concerning Raleigh’s favourite brand;</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Tobacco</b><br class="ns" /></small> +Was it coarse-cut shag which burns +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +The tongue, or birdseye or returns?</p> + + +<div class="illus"><p><img src="images/illus-017c.png" width="600" height="235" + alt="" title="" /></p></div> + +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Queen +Elizabeth</b><br class="ns" /></small> +Good Queen Bess we understand +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Had crowds of suitors for her hand;</p> +<p>And here we beg to give a view +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Of suitors waiting in a queue.</p> + +</div> + +<a name="png.018" id="png.018"></a><span class="ns">[p</span><span + class="pgmark">16</span><span class="ns">]<br + /></span> + +<div class="history"> + +<div class="illus"><p><img src="images/illus-018a.png" width="600" height="238" + alt="IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic" title="" /></p></div> + +<p class="newstanza"><small class="sidenote"><b>Queen +Elizabeth +(continued)</b><br class="ns" /></small> +<big>A</big>S time rolled on this Good Queen Bess +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Lost somewhat of her sprightliness;</p> +<p class="line2">She got into a nervous state +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Was mopish and disconsolate.</p> +<p>Now, as everyone will own, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Had ‘Iron Jelloids’ been but known</p> +<p>In Bess’s time; why, it’s conceded +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +’Twas just the Tonic that she needed.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>East India +Company +1600</b><br class="ns" /></small>The great ‘John Comp’ny’ now began +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +<ins class="TN" title="Transcriber's note: + original used apostrophe">Its</ins> fine career without a plan.</p> +<p>Great! The Elizabethan Age. +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +In History’s book a glorious page.</p> + +<div class="illus"><p><img src="images/illus-018b.png" width="600" height="261" + alt="" title="" /></p></div> + +<p>Somewhere or other we’ve heard snuff +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Came in the days of frill and ruff;</p> +<p>And here’s a noble ill at ease +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Giving the first recorded sneeze.</p> + +<p class="newstanza"><small class="sidenote"><b>James I. +<span class="nw">1603–1625</span></b><br class="ns" /></small> +<big>J</big>AMES Six of Scotland, miscalled a ‘fule’ +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +As James One of England comes to rule.</p> +<p class="line2">Gramercy! ’tis a canny thing +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +To be a ‘double-barrelled’ King.</p> +<p>The son of Mary Queen of Scots +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Of learning he had lots and lots,</p> +<p>Writing sundry ponderous books +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +’Gainst ’bacca, witches and their spooks.</p> +<p>James thought his kingly power divine +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +And, loathing Puritanic ‘whine,’</p> +<p>He vowed to make them all comply +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Or else he’d ‘know the reason why.’</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Pilgrim Fathers +1620</b><br class="ns" /></small> +His persecution to escape +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Some Zealots in the ‘Mayflower’ shape</p> +<p>Their course for an uncharted world +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Where Freedom’s Flag could be unfurled.</p> +<p>These ‘Pilgrim Fathers’ found a state +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +‘New England,’ blessed with happy fate.</p> +<p>Folks have called the first King James +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Most uncomplimentary names;</p> +<p>To wit ‘a sloven’ and ‘a glutton’; +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Perhaps his weakness was Scotch Mutton.</p> +<p>And as to gluttony, ‘Gadzooks’! +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +If what we read in History books</p> +<p>Is true, they all were trenchermen; +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +There were no diet faddists then.</p> +<p>It startles us, one must declare, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +To read their breakfast bill of fare;</p> +<p>All ‘Kynes’ of ale, some highly spiced +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +And divers meats, roast, boiled and sliced.</p> +<p>In James’ reign a man could get +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +For money down a coronet</p> +<p>And titles with the greatest ease +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Like folks to-day buy soap and cheese.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Harvey</b><br class="ns" /></small> +Yet a learned time; for Harvey shows +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +That blood’s not stagnant, but it flows;</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Lord Bacon</b><br class="ns" /></small> +‘Experiment!’ Lord Bacon cries +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +‘There is no progress otherwise.’</p> + +</div> +<a name="png.019" id="png.019"></a><span class="ns">[p</span><span + class="pgmark">17</span><span class="ns">]<br + /></span> + +<div class="history"> + +<div class="illus"><p><img src="images/illus-019a.png" width="600" height="244" + alt="Model of the notorious Guy Fawkes + which however is not considered historically accurate" + title="IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic" /></p></div> + +<p class="newstanza"><small class="sidenote"><b>5th November +1605</b><br class="ns" /></small> +<big>O</big>F troubles James had quite a lot, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +For instance the Gunpowder Plot.</p> +<p class="line2">It fizzled out but left to-day +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +A liking for Firework display.</p> + +<div class="illus"><p><img src="images/illus-019b.png" width="600" height="225" + alt="The First Cracker" title="IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic" /></p></div> + +<p>So rockets with their sweeping curves, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Crackers which upset the nerves</p> +<p>And squibs with their infernal din +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +To this date owe their origin.</p> + +<p class="newstanza"><small class="sidenote"><b>Charles I. +<span class="nw">1625–1649</span></b><br class="ns" /></small> +<big>H</big>IS son Charles One we understand +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Ruled England with a grasping hand;</p> +<p class="line2">For he was never loth to levy +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Taxes burdensome and heavy.</p> +<p>He moved in an expensive set, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Was always heavily in debt;</p> +<p>In fact this monarch with his frills +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Was snowed up to the neck with bills.</p> +<p>He was courtly, graceful, distingué, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +And when the scaffold came his way</p> +<p>‘He nothing common did or mean +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Upon that memorable scene.’</p> +<p>He had a very taking way +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +And made his taxed up subjects pay;</p> +<p>And over taxing it is said +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +This Monarch fairly lost his head.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Petition of +Right—1628</b><br class="ns" /></small> +The ‘Petition of Right’ a famous Act, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +The Commons from the King exact;</p> +<p>Giving the subject on his own +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +A remedy against the throne.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>First +Newspaper +1621</b><br class="ns" /></small> +In sixteen-hundred-twenty-one +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Our first news-sheet began its run;</p> +<p>For twenty years ’twas going strong +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Then the first Censor came along.</p> +<p>This journal cribbing from the Dutch +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Lacked the smart journalistic touch;</p> +<p>And also photographic views, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +‘Sporting pars’ and ‘Stop-press News.’</p> + +<div class="illus"><p><img src="images/illus-019c.png" width="600" height="182" + alt="The Great Struggle in Charles’ Time. + King trying to get money from Taxpayer. + Creditor trying to get money from King" title="" /></p></div> + +</div> + +<a name="png.020" id="png.020"></a><span class="ns">[p</span><span + class="pgmark">18</span><span class="ns">]<br + /></span> + +<div class="history"> + +<div class="illus"><p><img src="images/illus-020a.png" width="600" height="264" + alt="IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic" title="" /><br + /><i>THAT QUIET MAN, KNOWN AS THE EARLY PURITAN.</i></p></div> + +<p class="newstanza"><small class="sidenote"><b>Cotton +1630</b><br class="ns" /></small> +<big>C</big>OTTON first came from India’s shore +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +In sixteen-thirty, less or more;</p> +<p class="line2">Where for three thousand years it grew, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Also in Egypt and Peru.</p> +<p>Grim reading is the note confessing +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Gangs went out for Navy pressing,</p> +<p>Forcing many a timid knave +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +To spend his life on ocean wave.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Ship Money +1636</b><br class="ns" /></small> +Charles raises the ship money tax; +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +He thought he only had to ‘ax’;</p> +<p>When Hampden strenuously objected, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +The King was very much affected.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Strafford +1641</b><br class="ns" /></small> +Earl Strafford (‘Thorough’) in his pride +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +‘The King shall rule the Commons’ cried;</p> +<p>The Commons would not brook such stuff +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +And cut his head off. ‘Quantum Suff.’</p> +<p>The ‘Grand Remonstrance’ is put forth +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +By the Commons who are wrath</p> +<p>With the King’s despotic ways +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Quite unsuited to these days.</p> +<p>The King tries hard to put in jail +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Five Members but without avail;</p> +<p>Hollis, Strode, Haslerig and Pym +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +And Hampden (we must mention him);</p> +<p>They’re guarded from the Royal hands +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +By Watermen and City Bands.</p> +<p>The ‘die is cast’ and Civil War +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +For seven long years the Nation tore.</p> + +<p class="newstanza"><small class="sidenote"><b>Civil Wars +<span class="nw">1642–1648</span></b><br class="ns" /></small> +<big>C</big>ROMWELL greatest of the foemen +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +With his faithful English Yeomen;</p> +<p class="line2">These ‘Roundheads’ sober, grim, religious +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +To ‘Cavaliers’ gave blows prodigious.</p> +<p>Their character’s seen in the cry +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +‘Trust God and keep your powder dry.’</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Naseby +1645</b><br class="ns" /></small> +The Cavaliers and Roundheads fought +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +In many a field, ’till Naseby brought</p> +<p>To Generals Cromwell and Fairfax +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +A crowning victory, though not ‘pax.’</p> +<p>The King’s beheaded, but the State +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Experiences no headless fate;</p> +<p>A commonwealth’s forthwith proclaimed +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +And Cromwell’s soon Protector named.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Dunbar +1650</b><br class="ns" /></small> +In sixteen-fifty Dunbar sees +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +The Royal Scots brought to their knees;</p> +<p>And in the second Worcester fight +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Cromwell for good asserts his might.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Worcester +1651</b><br class="ns" /></small> +And there are those who love to tell +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +About that day at Boscobel</p> +<p>When Charles the Second’s Majestye +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Found itself doubly ‘up a tree.’</p> +<p>And now we meet that quiet man +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Known as the early Puritan;</p> +<p>Mild and placid in his talk, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Calm and measured in his walk.</p> + +<div class="illus"><p><img src="images/illus-020b.png" width="600" height="216" + alt="“Paint me warts and all”" title="IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic" /></p></div> + +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Commonwealth +<span class="nw">1649–1660</span></b><br class="ns" /></small> +Oliver Cromwell bluff and bold, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Was cast in Nature’s sternest mould,</p> +<p>Lacking maybe the courtly grace +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +And proud of warts upon his face.</p> +<p>He fought the Irish and the Scotch +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +And with his navy beat the Dutch</p> +<p>Let all his faults <ins class="TN" title="Transcriber's note: + original reads 'condonèd'">condonéd</ins> be, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +He kept us up on land and sea.</p> + +</div> + +<a name="png.021" id="png.021"></a><span class="ns">[p</span><span + class="pgmark">19</span><span class="ns">]<br + /></span> + +<div class="history"> + +<div class="illus"><p><img src="images/illus-021a.png" width="600" height="214" + alt="“Take away that bauble”" title="IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic" /></p></div> + +<p class="newstanza"><small class="sidenote"><b>Commonwealth +(continued)</b><br class="ns" /></small> +<big>H</big>E seemed to like bold argument +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +And wordy wars with Parliament;</p> +<p class="line2">He made things lively we infer +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Frequently at Westminster.</p> + +<div class="illus"><p><img src="images/illus-021b.png" width="600" height="230" + alt="IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic" title="" /></p></div> + +<p>With M.P.s he had many a bout +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +And one day cleared the whole lot out;</p> +<p>Locked the door and took the key; +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Those not the days of ‘Wait and See.’</p> + +<p class="newstanza"><small class="sidenote"><b>Charles II. +<span class="nw">1660–1685</span></b><br class="ns" /></small> +<big>C</big>ROMWELL’S death brings Restoration +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +And Charles Two lands ’mid acclamation.</p> +<p class="line2">After his leaps from twig to twig +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +He now has ‘Otium cum Dig.’</p> +<p>In merry Charles the Second’s age +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Woman first acted on the stage;</p> +<p>The King encouraged much this vogue +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +He was a pleasure seeking rogue.</p> +<p>‘He never said a foolish thing, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Nor did a wise one’; this the King</p> +<p>Countered with ‘My words my own +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +My acts my ministers’ alone’;</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>1662</b><br class="ns" /></small> +In sixteen-six-two year of grace, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Charles taxed every fire-place;</p> +<p>And citizens who couldn’t pay +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Shivered and grumbled as to-day.</p> +<p>These were the times of Musketeers +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +And proud and dashing Cavaliers;</p> +<p>When words were few and tempers hot +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +And duels fought out on the spot.</p> + +<p class="newstanza"><small class="sidenote"><b>John Bunyan</b><br class="ns" /></small> +<big>T</big>HE tinker preacher Bunyan wrote +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +The ‘Pilgrim’s Progress’ we still quote,</p> +<p class="line2">The prison bars no barrier wrought +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +To lowly Bunyan’s lofty thought.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Milton +1678</b><br class="ns" /></small> +In stately language Milton’s muse +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +The Bible story doth diffuse;</p> +<p>From ‘Paradise Lost’ we get our view +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Of Adam and Eve and Satan too.</p> +<p>The Reverend Titus Oates, a scamp, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Egregious Popish plots did vamp,</p> +<p>Lied roundly for dishonest gains, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Got Cat-o’-nine-tails for his pains.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Habeas Corpus +1679</b><br class="ns" /></small> +The ‘Habeas Corpus’ best of laws +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Shields us from prison without cause;</p> +<p>’Twas passed in sixteen-seventy-nine, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +And means ‘Produce him here,’ in fine.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Van Tromp</b><br class="ns" /></small> +Admiral Van Tromp, Dutchman bold, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +With broom at masthead, so ’tis told,</p> +<p>The Channel sailed, suggesting he’s +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Swept all the English from the seas.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Blake</b><br class="ns" /></small> +But Blake laughed loud and spread his sails +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Nought the Dutchman now avails;</p> +<p>For he got an awful shocker +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Right to Davy Jones’ locker.</p> +<p>But though the Dutch failed to invade, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +They were not disinclined to trade;</p> +<p>So we get ‘Hollands,’ cheese and hams +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Fresh from the land of Dykes and Dams.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Peace of Breda +1667</b><br class="ns" /></small> +For fifteen years these Navies fought, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +’Till sixteen-six-seven respite brought;</p> +<p>The Peace of Breda then succeeded; +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +New York to England was conceded.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Plague</b><br class="ns" /></small> +In sixty-five the Plague appears +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +And then the Fire; two awful years</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Fire of London +<span class="nw">1665–1666</span></b><br class="ns" /></small> +For London—And if more you’d know +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Consult the Pages of Defoe.</p> + +</div> + +<a name="png.022" id="png.022"></a><span class="ns">[p</span><span + class="pgmark">20</span><span class="ns">]<br + /></span> + +<div class="history"> + +<div class="illus"><p><img src="images/illus-022.png" width="600" height="235" + alt="IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic" title="" /><br + /><i>QUEEN ANNE AND THE DUKE OF MARLBOROUGH.</i></p></div> + +<p class="newstanza"><small class="sidenote"><b>James II. +<span class="nw">1685–1688</span></b><br class="ns" /></small> +<big>W</big>HEN Charles Two died his brother James +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Soon put the country into flames;</p> +<p class="line2">Papistry he would advance, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +And for that purpose leagued with France.</p> +<p>In sixteen-eight-eight his bigot zeal +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Religious Test Act would repeal;</p> +<p>Seven bold Bishops who defied +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +To the Tower were sent and tried.</p> +<p>The country raised a hue and cry +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +So off to France the King doth fly.</p> + +<p class="newstanza"><small class="sidenote"><b>William III. +<span class="nw">1689–1702</span></b><br class="ns" /></small> +<big>H</big>IS place is filled by William Three +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +His son-in-law from Dutch countree.</p> +<p class="line2">This Orange sprig most brave of men +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +With Mary reigns and all things then</p> +<p>Went well with us. Macaulay’s page +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Hails him as Hero of the age.</p> +<p>In this reign of William Three, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Laws were harsh ’gainst burglary;</p> +<p>For they’d a very drastic way +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +And hanged the ‘Bill Sykes’ of that day.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>National Debt +1694</b><br class="ns" /></small> +In sixteen-nine-four we have heard +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +The National Debt was first incurred;</p> +<p>To careful folk who would invest +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +’Twas not devoid of interest.</p> +<p>Another National Debt we owe +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +To Iron Jelloids which the foe</p> +<p>Depression’s worries keep at bay +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +And drive our nervous fears away.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Bill of Rights +1689</b><br class="ns" /></small> +The ‘Bill of Rights,’ a Charter grand, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +In sixteen-eight-nine frees this land</p> +<p>From all encroachments of the Crown +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Hoi Polloi are no longer down.</p> + +<p class="newstanza"><small class="sidenote"><b>Queen Anne +<span class="nw">1702–1714</span></b><br class="ns" /></small> +<big>G</big>OOD Queen Anne we know is dead; +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +She reigned twelve years but it is said</p> +<p class="line2">‘Mrs. Morley,’ Marlborough’s wife +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Ruled her more than half her life.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Marlborough</b><br class="ns" /></small> +This was the Duke of Marlborough’s day, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Who beat the French in every fray;</p> +<p>Known for his famous victories +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +At Blenheim and at Ramillies.</p> +<p>In seventeen-seven by statute passed +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +English and Scotch unite at last;</p> +<p>‘One coinage and one Parliament’ +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Both Nations ever since content.</p> +<p>About this time, so runs the story, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Much is heard of ‘Whig and Tory’;</p> +<p>And shortly after there was rife +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Many a sign of party strife.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Dr. Watts +<span class="nw">1674–1748</span></b><br class="ns" /></small> +Good Dr. Watts’ moral lays +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Were much reputed in these days;</p> +<p>And still we lisp at Mother’s knee +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +‘How doth the little Busy Bee.’</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Pope +<span class="nw">1688–1744</span></b><br class="ns" /></small> +Pope, letter-writer and great poet, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Most quotable of all (ye know it),</p> +<p>At Twickenham penned his caustic verse +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Epigrammatic, smooth and terse.</p> + +<p class="newstanza"><small class="sidenote"><b>George I. +<span class="nw">1714–1727</span></b><br class="ns" /></small> +<big>T</big>HE House of Stuart being ended, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +George of Hanover (descended</p> +<p class="line2">From daughter of King Jamie One) +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Comes over to ascend our throne.</p> +<p>Of English George knew not a word, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Most awkward, not to say absurd,</p> +<p>At Cabinet Councils to preside; +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +So from this time the practice died.</p> + +<p class="newstanza"><small class="sidenote"><b>George II. +<span class="nw">1727–1760</span></b><br class="ns" /></small> +<big>H</big>IS son George Two succeeding then +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +In person fought at Dettingen.</p> +<p class="line2">Both these Kings had various fights +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +In Scotland with the Jacobites.</p> +<p>William Tull brings in Post Chaises; +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Now the people ride like ‘blazes.’;</p> +<p>Many can’t for they’re in trouble, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Ruined by the South Sea Bubble.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Wesleys +<span class="nw">1703–1791</span></b><br class="ns" /></small> +John and Charles Wesley, men of mind, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Revive Religion in Mankind.</p> +<p>Founding a Church both broad and low, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +One-seven-three-nought A. Domini.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Clive +1746</b><br class="ns" /></small> +Beginning as an office clerk +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +As soldier Clive soon made his mark,</p> +<p>And conquered India for this Nation; +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Self ’stounded at his moderation.</p> +<p>Bridgwater, Gilbert, Brindley, three +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Great Engineers this Centurie,</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Canals</b><br class="ns" /></small> +Useful canals in England made, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +The flowing arteries of trade.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Quebec +1759</b><br class="ns" /></small> +General Wolfe seventeen-five-nine +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Captures Quebec—a victory fine,</p> +<p>And Canada’s the splendid prize +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +For old ‘John Bull’ to colonise.</p> + +<p class="newstanza"><small class="sidenote"><b>George III. +<span class="nw">1760–1820</span></b><br class="ns" /></small> +<big>A</big>ND now of Georgey number Three: +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Ut mulus obstinatus he</p> +<p class="line2">Had full sixty years of reign +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +And a big family to train.</p> + +</div> + +<a name="png.023" id="png.023"></a><span class="ns">[p</span><span + class="pgmark">21</span><span class="ns">]<br + /></span> + +<div class="history"> + +<div class="illus"><p><img src="images/illus-023a.png" width="600" height="248" + alt="IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic" title="" /><br + /><i>GEORGIAN TIMES.</i></p></div> + +<p class="newstanza"><small class="sidenote"><b>Georgian +Times</b><br class="ns" /></small> +<big>W</big>E will but very lightly scan +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +The customs known as ‘Georgian’;</p> +<p class="line2">The times of powdered Belles and Beaux; +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Patches, paint and furbelows;</p> +<p>Of beauteous maids and gallants gay +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +And merry routs at Ranelagh;</p> +<p>Gaming parties, cards or pool +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +And ‘Fops’ of the Beau Brummel School.</p> + +<div class="illus"><p><img src="images/illus-023b.png" width="600" height="192" + alt="“Odds faith they say there’s iron in it”" + title="IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic" /></p></div> + +<p>When rank and fashion History tells +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +All took their cures among the Wells;</p> +<p>And sipped in manner hesitating +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Daily doses nauseating.</p> +<p>But we know better how to act +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Our cures we purchase more compact</p> +<p>For in the Chemists’ you can see +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +‘Iron Jelloids’ priced at ‘One and Three.’</p> +<p>Lord ‘Periwig’ and gay ‘Fallal’ +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +In Sedan Chairs frequent the Mall.</p> +<p>‘Taxis’ and ‘Tubes’ we beg to state +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Came in at a much later date.</p> +<p>When Brummel, the historic Beau, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Made laws for dress and outward show;</p> +<p>Whose vests were poems, whose coats were dreams +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Of gorgeous beauty, so it seems;</p> +<p>Who figured in the public gaze +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +A ‘Star turn’ with his courtly ways;</p> +<p>Who fixed the style of a cravat, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Lord of Appeal anent a hat.</p> +<p>And My Lord Chesterfield was quite +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +The model of the most polite</p> +<p>Wrote famous letters. It’s a shame, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +A settee has usurped his name.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Dr. Johnson +<span class="nw">1709–1784</span></b><br class="ns" /></small> +And Dr. Johnson at his ease +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Sipped his tea at the ‘Cheshire Cheese,’</p> +<p>Or at the ‘Mitre’ of renown, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Spreading his wit throughout the Town.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Garrick</b><br class="ns" /></small> +When Garrick as the ‘Moody Dane’ +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Drew the Town to Drury Lane,</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Mrs. Siddons</b><br class="ns" /></small> +Sarah Siddons was all the rage +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Tragedy Queen of every age.</p> +<p>Highwaymen arméd to the teeth +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Waited for prey on Hounslow Heath;</p> +<p>Per contra the Highwayman’s pate +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Was oft strung up at Tyburn Gate.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Capt. Cook +<span class="nw">1728–1779</span></b><br class="ns" /></small> +It’s only right a History book +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Should mark the feats of Captain Cook;</p> +<p>So jot it down in these our Rhymes +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +That round the World he sailed three times.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Inventions +1767</b><br class="ns" /></small> +These are the days of much invention +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +The ‘Spinning Jenny’ we will mention;</p> +<p>The ‘Cotton Mule’ and ‘Power Loom’; +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +For Authors’ names there’s lack of room.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Adam Smith +1766</b><br class="ns" /></small> +In his book ‘The Wealth of Nations’ +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Adam Smith shows the relations</p> +<p>Governing the Art of Trading; +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +With influences far pervading.</p> +<p>‘Man buys as cheaply as he can +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +And sells as dearly, that’s his plan.’</p> +<p>‘Supply Demand each other feed +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Dearer markets cheap ones bleed.’</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Jenner +1796</b><br class="ns" /></small> +Jenner brings in vaccination, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Boon to every generation;</p> +<p>By similar methods now devised +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Many an ill is exorcised.</p> + +</div> + +<a name="png.024" id="png.024"></a><span class="ns">[p</span><span + class="pgmark">22</span><span class="ns">]<br + /></span> + +<div class="history"> + +<div class="illus"><p><img src="images/illus-024a.png" width="600" height="255" + alt="IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic" title="" /><br + /><i>NELSON AND WELLINGTON.</i></p></div> + +<p class="newstanza"><small class="sidenote"><b>American War +1775</b><br class="ns" /></small> +<big>I</big>N seventeen-sixty and fifteen +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Our Taxes raise the Yankees’ spleen.</p> +<p class="line2">‘Unrepresented, you’ve no right +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +To tax us, therefore we will fight.’</p> +<p>Washington, Franklin and the rest +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Formed a Republic quite the best;</p> +<p>We’ve long been friends. Let us rejoice; +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +But at the time we had no choice.</p> + +<p class="newstanza"><small class="sidenote"><b>French +Revolution</b><br class="ns" /></small> +<big>I</big>N France in times of Louis Seize (says) +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Oppression dire through countless days</p> +<p class="line2">Roused Revolution with its tears +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Mainly through books with wrong ideas.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Napoleon I. +<span class="nw">1793–1815</span></b><br class="ns" /></small> +From Revolution’s putrid mess +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +A Conqueror’s born, quite conscienceless,</p> +<p>Millions of men and women died +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Victims to Napoleon’s pride.</p> +<p>He plunged all Europe into Wars +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +His own ambition the sole cause.</p> +<p>England as usual did her ‘bit’ +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +And ‘Boney’ Europe had to quit.</p> +<p>During these years of storm and stress +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Two noble pilots we possess</p> +<p>‘Chatham and Son’ (Pitt is their name), +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Illustrious on the scroll of fame.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Nelson 1805</b><br class="ns" /></small> +Here we must our homage pay +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +To Nelson of Trafalgar Day;</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Wellington</b><br class="ns" /></small> +To Wellington the same is due, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Who crowned his fame at Waterloo.</p> + +<div class="illus"><p><img src="images/illus-024b.png" width="600" height="223" + alt="IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic" title="" /></p></div> + +<p class="newstanza"><big>A</big>ND ‘Shiver my timbers,’ ‘Heave ahoy,’ +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +The Tar, those times a breezy boy</p> +<p class="line2">With shiny hat and pigtail long +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +And love for lass and glass and song.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Discovery of +Electric Force</b><br class="ns" /></small> +About this date Electric Force +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Dawns on mankind. Before, of course,</p> +<p>In Lightning it was all about, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +With noise enough to be found out.</p> +<p>Coelo eripuit fulmen, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +’Twas said of Franklin, as ye ken.</p> +<p>Philosopher of bygone age +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Accept our homage on this page.</p> +<p>But who’d have thought it that Galvani +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +When making soup, (this is no blarney)</p> +<p>By his power of observation +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +On a frog’s legs’ oscillation</p> +<p>Should find how by chemic ways +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Electric currents we can raise?</p> +<p>To call him ‘great’ is no flattery; +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +He set us on the wondrous battery.</p> +<p>This simple little frog, Heigh Ho! +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +The frog who would a-wooing go;</p> +<p>Thy part in electricity +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Is unmatched eccentricity.</p> +<p>This new discovered fact, of course, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Leads to the Telegraph of Morse,</p> +<p>The Motor and Electric Light +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +The Telephone and more in sight.</p> + +</div> + +<a name="png.025" id="png.025"></a><span class="ns">[p</span><span + class="pgmark">23</span><span class="ns">]<br + /></span> + +<div class="history"> + +<div class="illus"><p><img src="images/illus-025.png" width="600" height="207" + alt="Early Victorian—Mid Victorian" title="" /><br + /><i>IN QUEEN VICTORIA’S PALMY DAYS.</i></p></div> + +<p class="newstanza"><small class="sidenote"><b>Ireland</b><br class="ns" /></small> +<big>O</big>F Ireland but a word or two. +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Celts were her people and they knew</p> +<p class="line2">Not benefit of Roman Ruling; +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Young Europa’s Infant Schooling.</p> +<p>In century five St. Patrick great +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Converts them to the Christian state;</p> +<p>And from this Western Isle afar, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +English and Scotch converted are.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Danes and +Ireland</b><br class="ns" /></small> +Two hundred years from nine-nought-nought +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Danes raiding Erin trouble brought;</p> +<p>And left them in chaotic state +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +No longer masters of their fate.</p> +<p>In those days ’twas ‘Woe to the weak,’ +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Saxons and Danes had made us squeak,</p> +<p>Then came the Normans in great force +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +And civilised us in due course.</p> +<p>They tried the same with Ireland green; +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +But only sowed a feud between</p> +<p>The land they’d conquered and Erin, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Leading to endless quarrelling.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Cromwell</b><br class="ns" /></small> +England accepts the Reformation, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Catholic still the Irish nation</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Boyne</b><br class="ns" /></small> +Sees Cromwell with them battle join +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +And William beat them at the Boyne.</p> +<p>William Pitt in eighteen-nought-nought +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Ireland and England’s welfare sought</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Act of Union +1800</b><br class="ns" /></small> +By ‘Act of Union’ which he passed; +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +But still the wretched squabbles last.</p> + +<p class="newstanza"><small class="sidenote"><b>George IV.</b><br class="ns" /></small> +<big>N</big>OW come George Four and Will his brother; +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +With these two kings we need not bother;</p> +<p class="line2"><small class="sidenote"><b>William IV.</b><br class="ns" /></small> +The first a gourmand, bon viveur, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +The next a sailor, bluff, sans peur.</p> +<p>Trevithick, Newcomen, and Watt +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Are names will never be forgot;</p> +<p>For their crude engines were the source +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Of man’s control of Steam’s wild force.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Steam +1830</b><br class="ns" /></small> +By eighteen-thirty man has tamed +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Steam to his use; and widely famed</p> +<p>Was puffing ‘Rocket’ with the power +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Of doing thirty miles an hour.</p> +<p>Steam prompts man to make machines +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +And Factories rise with all that means;</p> +<p>Divided more and more is labour +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Each man leans more on his neighbour.</p> +<p>For twenty million pounds the nation +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Buys our slaves’ emancipation.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Reform Act</b><br class="ns" /></small> +In eighteen-three-two, happy year, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +The great Reform Act doth appear.</p> +<p>Steam vessels the Atlantic cross. +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +The penny post comes into force.</p> +<p>And double knocks bring joys and thrills +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Sometimes cheques, more often bills.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Corn Law +Repeal 1846</b><br class="ns" /></small> +The Corn Law duty’s brushed away, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Hence we enjoy cheap bread to-day.</p> + +<p class="newstanza"><big>W</big>E fain would linger, but alas, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +These are the periods we must pass.</p> +<p class="line2">So gentle reader do not grin +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +At sight of cumbrous crinoline.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Victoria +<span class="nw">1837–1901</span></b><br class="ns" /></small> +Since Queen Victoria’s palmy days +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Woman has altered all her ways.</p> +<p>In those days she was meek and mild +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +And treated almost like a child;</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Woman’s +Status</b><br class="ns" /></small> +Was brought up in a narrow zone; +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +And couldn’t call her soul her own.</p> +<p>She vegetated, ’tis well known +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Under the ‘cloche’ of Chaperone.</p> +<p>But now the ‘Franchise’ she obtains, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +And her own property retains.</p> +<p>What a difference from then, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +She ‘carries on’ just like the men.</p> +<p>And now at Westminster we see +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +A lady sitting as M.P.</p> + +<p class="newstanza"><small class="sidenote"><b>Darwin +<span class="nw">1809–1882</span></b><br class="ns" /></small> +<big>C</big>HARLES Darwin offers us a Key +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +To help unlock the mystery</p> +<p class="line2">Of Evolution’s wondrous span +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +From Protoplasm up to Man.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Livingstone +<span class="nw">1813–1873</span></b><br class="ns" /></small> +The traveller, great Scotch Livingstone, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Wandered o’er Afric’s trackless Zone;</p> +<p>Where no white man had ever trod +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Teaching the blacks the Word of God.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Crimean War</b><br class="ns" /></small> +English, French and Turks unite +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +’Gainst Russia in Crimean fight.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Indian Mutiny</b><br class="ns" /></small> +The Indian Mutiny now arose, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +‘Fat’ was the cause that led to blows.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Atlantic Cable</b><br class="ns" /></small> +With efforts many men most able +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Lay the great Atlantic Cable.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Suez Canal</b><br class="ns" /></small> +Lesseps unites for you and me +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +The Medit’ranean and Red Sea.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Education Act</b><br class="ns" /></small> +The Education Act proposes +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +To make us all as wise as Moses;</p> +<p>In eighteen-seven-nought it passed, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +But each is learning to the last.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Ballot Act +1872</b><br class="ns" /></small> +A couple of years from this we note +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +The Ballot Act gives secret vote;</p> +<p>Before this Act, e’en since we fear, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Folks sold their votes for draughts of beer.</p> + +</div> + +<a name="png.026" id="png.026"></a><span class="ns">[p</span><span + class="pgmark">24</span><span class="ns">]<br + /></span> + +<div class="history"> + +<div class="illus"><p><img src="images/illus-026a.png" width="600" height="197" + alt="IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic" title="" /><br + /><i>WOMEN TOOK TO SPADE AND HOE.</i></p></div> + +<p class="newstanza"><small class="sidenote"><b>Edward VII. +<span class="nw">1901–1910</span></b><br class="ns" /></small> +<big>E</big>DWARD Seven, ‘Peacemaker’ named, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +His efforts to this end far famed.</p> +<p class="line2">We know it was no idle chance +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +His ‘Entente cordiale’ with France.</p> +<p>True friendship and the peace we want +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +The outcome of this grand Entente.</p> +<p>Though not accented in our rhyme +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +We’ve been fighting all the time;</p> +<p>And it’s a fact which must be stated +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Our chief opponent (so ’twas fated)</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>Wars with +France</b><br class="ns" /></small> +Our nearest neighbour o’er the Sea +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Whose ‘No’ is ‘Non’; whose ‘Yes’ is ‘Oui’;</p> +<p>Like two schoolboys always sparring +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Eight hundred years together warring;</p> +<p>From Hastings unto Waterloo +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +We’d battles with the brave ‘Mossoo.’</p> +<p>Now Honi soit qui still y pense; +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Hurrah for England! Vive la France!</p> + +<p class="newstanza"> +<big>A</big>ND here we come to end our rhymes +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +We’ve reached the present stirring times,</p> +<p class="line2">When one and all lent helping hand +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +To keep secure the Motherland.</p> +<p>When men went forth to fight the foe +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +And women took to spade and hoe,</p> +<p>And donning smocks of nattiest styles, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Worked on the land for Farmer Giles.</p> +<p>Now three cheers for the dainty maids, +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Government clerks of different grades;</p> + +<div class="illus"><p><img src="images/illus-026b.png" width="600" height="182" + alt="" title="" /></p></div> + +<p>Nor are we likely to forget +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +Our debt to the Munitionette.</p> +<p><small class="sidenote"><b>The +Present Time</b><br class="ns" /></small> +We seem to have subdued the Hun +<span class="split"><br class="nss" /></span> +And so farewell (our task is done)</p> +<p>To Anzacs-Indians-Poilus-Yanks—<br class="nss" + />Italians-Belgians-Japs-and-Tanks.</p> + +<div class="illus"><p><img src="images/illus-026c.png" width="600" height="209" + alt="" title="" /></p></div> + +</div> +</div> + +<p class="border before70"><img + src="images/advert.png" width="700" height="47" + alt="" title="fancy border" /></p> +<div class="advert"> +<a name="png.027" id="png.027"></a><span class="ns">[</span><span + class="pgmark">ad2</span><span class="ns">]<br + /></span> +<h2><i><span class="smc">Concerning</span><br + /> <br + /><big>MEN and TONICS</big><br + /><small>BY THE LATE</small><br + /><b>DR. ANDREW WILSON.</b></i></h2> + +<p><i>“Many a man feels so thoroughly out of sorts, and thinks himself so +dreadfully ill, that he is rather surprised when the doctor tells him there is +not really anything seriously the matter with him at all; that he just needs a +tonic, and should put the brake on as regards work, worry, or late hours.</i></p> + +<p><i>“It is this ‘run-down-ness,’ ‘out-of-sorts-ness,’ ‘below-par-ness,’ which +lead to all kinds of fanciful fears, such as having Brain Fag, Neurasthenia, +and other conditions startling by name at least.</i></p> + +<p><i>“Now I have found the form of Iron Jelloids put up with Quinine (called +Iron Jelloids No. 2A), to be an excellent Tonic in all such cases. When a +man or youth feels out-of-sorts, and is not so ill as to require medical advice, +<span class="ul">he cannot do better than try a Fortnight’s Treatment of Iron Jelloids No. 2A, +as a suitable and effective remedy.</span></i></p> + +<p class="narrow"><b><i>For DEBILITY, WEAKNESS and NERVINESS, +Men find the Ideal Tonic and +Restorative in Iron Jelloids No. 2A.</i></b></p> + +<p class="narrow"><b><i>For ANÆMIA in Men and Women (shown +by breathlessness on slight exertion, pallor, +depression and weakness) Doctors have for +many years prescribed the well-known +Iron Jelloids No. 2.—there is nothing better.</i></b></p> + +<div class="greybox"> +<p class="ctr"><i>A Ten Days Treatment (price 1/3) will convince you.</i></p> + +<p class="noindent"><i>Mr. J. R. PENNINGTON, Chemist, late of Worksop, <span class="nw">writes:—</span>“I +always handle Iron Jelloids with pleasure as my customers are +invariably satisfied with them.”</i></p> + +<div class="illus"><p class="squish"><img src="images/jelloids-trans.png" width="500" height="106" + alt="Iron ‘Jelloids’" title="" /></p> + <p class="cap squish"><small class="tiny">(<i>Pronounced Jell-Lloyds.</i>)</small></p></div> + +<table summary="Which Iron Jelloids for you"> +<tr><td><b><i>Reliable Tonic for Men</i></b></td> + <td><b><i>IRON JELLOIDS No. 2A.</i></b></td></tr> +<tr><td><b><i>For Anæmia in Men & <span class="split">Women</span></i></b></td> + <td><b><i>IRON JELLOIDS No. 2.</i></b></td></tr> +<tr><td><b><i>For Growing Children</i></b></td> + <td><b><i>IRON JELLOIDS No. 1.</i></b></td></tr> +</table> + +<p class="ctr"><i>Of all Chemists. <span class="spread">A Ten Days Treatment 1/3.</span> Large size 3/-</i></p> + +</div> + +<p class="tiny ctr"><i>Manufactured by The Iron Jelloid Co., Ltd., 189, Central Street, <span class="nw">London, E.C.1.</span> England.</i></p> +</div> +<p class="border after70 pgbrk"><img src="images/trevda.png" width="700" height="47" + alt="" title="fancy border" /></p> + +<div class="illus pgbrk"><p><a name="png.028" id="png.028"></a><span class="ns">[</span><span + class="pgmark">back cover</span><span class="ns">]<br + /></span><img src="images/illus-028.png" width="510" height="700" + alt="IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic" title="" /></p></div> + + +<div class="tnote"> +<h3>Transcriber's Note</h3> + +<p>Details of minor typographical corrections and retained mis-spellings +are provided in the source code (search for <tt>class="TN"</tt>).</p> +</div> + +<hr class="pg" /> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's A Humorous History of England, by C. 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Harrison + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: A Humorous History of England + +Author: C. Harrison + +Release Date: August 22, 2008 [EBook #26388] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A HUMOROUS HISTORY OF ENGLAND *** + + + + +Produced by Chris Curnow, David Wilson and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + +PRICE: THREE PENCE + + + + + A Humorous + History of England + + + The essentials of England's + History Told in Rhyme + + Light and Amusing + + + Told and + Pictured + by + C. Harrison. + + + Price 3d. + + With Forty Eight Illustrations + + + + +Concerning Anaemia + +(Poorness of Blood.) + +IN MEN AND WOMEN, + +_by the late +DR. ANDREW WILSON._ + + +_The public are very familiar with the term "Anaemia," and this fact +alone testifies to the extremely common nature of the ailment thus +indicated._ + +_As a rule Anaemia shows a gradual progress. There is experienced a +feeling of lassitude, of being "easily tired out," and a distaste for +active exertion. The digestion is enfeebled, and, without feeling +actually ill, the sufferer inclines towards an inactive life, while the +appetite usually disappears, and a general bodily upset is represented. +The lips are pale, the red of the eyelids, seen by turning down the +lower eyelid, will exhibit a similar appearance. Breathlessness is +another notable sign; the least exertion, going upstairs for instance, +causes the sufferer to pant, because the heart, not being supplied with +blood of good quality, cannot perform its work properly. The pulse is +weak and irregular._ + + _For ANAEMIA (shown by breathlessness on slight exertion, pallor, + depression and weakness) Doctors prescribe the well-known Iron + Jelloids No. 2.--there is nothing better._ + + _For DEBILITY, WEAKNESS and NERVINESS, Men find the Ideal Tonic + and Restorative in Iron Jelloids No. 2A._ + + +_A Ten Days Treatment (price 1/3) will convince you._ + +[Illustration: Iron 'Jelloids' +(_Pronounced Jell-Lloyds._)] + + Reliable Tonic for Men Iron Jelloids No. 2A. + For Anaemia in Men and Women Iron Jelloids No. 2. + For Growing Children Iron Jelloids No. 1. + +_Of all Chemists. A Ten Days Treatment 1/3. Large size 3/-_ + + +_Manufactured by The Iron Jelloid Co., Ltd., 189, Central Street, +London E.C.1. England._ + + + + + A HUMOROUS + HISTORY OF ENGLAND + + + + + TOLD AND PICTURED + by + C. HARRISON + + + Published by + WARRICK & BIRD, + 4, Nile Street, London, N.1. + 1920. + + + + +[Illustration: An After-Dinner Speech in Ye Olden Time. +(And any other Time.)] + + + + +[Illustration: BOADICEA.] + + + Preface _"Arms and the man" was Virgil's strain; + But we propose in lighter vein + To browse a crop from pastures (Green's) + Of England's Evolution scenes. + Who would from facts prognosticate + The future progress of this State, + Must own the chiefest fact to be + Her escalator is the Sea._ + +[Illustration: "Take cover"] + + Prehistoric Historians erudite and sage, + When writing of the past stone age, + Tell us man once was clothed in skins + And tattooed patterns on his shins. + Rough bearded and with shaggy locks + He lived in dug-outs in the rocks. + Was often scared and run to earth + By creatures of abnormal girth: + Mammoths and monsters; truth to tell + We find their names too long to spell. + He joined in little feuds no doubt; + And with his weapons fashioned out + Of flint, went boldly to the fray; + And cracked a skull or two per day. + + Druids We read of priests of Celtic day, + Ancient Druids, holding sway + By smattering of Occult law + And man's eternal sense of awe. + Stonehenge They used Stonehenge on Salisbury Plain + Reputed Prehistoric Fane; + Note each megalithic boulder; + No Monument in Europe's older. + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration: "Veni, Vidi, Vici"] + + Phoenicians Merchant explorers of that day, + Hustling Phoenicians, came this way + To ship tin ore from Cornish mines + Three thousand years before these lines. + But still in spite of petty strife + Man lived what's termed the 'simple life' + Julius Caesar Till Julius Caesar in five-five + B.C. 55 With his galleys did arrive. + He wrote despatches of the best, + 'Veni, Vidi' and the rest, + Sending the news of victory home; + And flags then fluttered high in Rome. + His 'photo' one plain fact discloses + He brought in fashion Roman noses. + Of this great General 'tis allowed + The best 'Life' is by J. A. Froude. + Boadicea Boadicea earns our praise. + A.D. 62 First woman leader in those days; + For Freedom strove all she could do, + 'Twas lost in A.D. sixty-two. + Agricola Then came Agricola one day + And gained a battle near the Tay. + He started trimming up this isle, + And laid out roads in Roman style. + East, North, South, West, it's safe to say + His handiwork is traced to-day. + The Natives too were taught to know + By busy merchants' constant flow + The wisdom that great Empire held; + Their ignorance was thus dispelled. + Romans left About four hundred-ten A.D. + A.D. 410 The Romans left sans ceremonie. + Can it be wondered at when Rome + Was needing help 'gainst Huns at home. + Our antiquarians often find + The relics which they left behind; + A Villa here and pavement there, + Coins galore and Roman ware. + +[Illustration] + + Anglo-Saxons And so we run our flippant rhymes + A.D. 430 Right on to Anglo-Saxon times. + Hengist and Horsa with their men + Came from their Jutish pirate den, + Jutes And paid us visits in their ships + Bent on their ruthless looting trips. + And Angles landing in the Humber + Gave that district little slumber. + They plundered morning, noon, and night, + Were rough, uncouth, and impolite, + No 'By your leave' or 'S'il vous plait' + They came to rob, remained to prey. + Horsa Horsa was slain in four-five-five, + 455 Leaving Hengist still alive + To live out his allotted term, + Surviving partner of the Firm. + King Arthur Time has many a fable wound + About King Arthur's table round, + Where Knights quaffed cordials, wines and ales, + And told their little fairy tales. + Augustine About six hundred years A.D. + 597 To teach us Christianity + Came Augustine. Wondrous Story; + Canterbury's Pile his glory. + Heptarchy Called 'Heptarchy' the seven Saxon + 827 States each other made attacks on; + After four hundred years they'd striven + They coalesced in eight-two-seven. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic] + + Alfred Of good King Alfred we've all heard + 872-901 How when hiding he incurred + A lady's anger for not taking + Care of Cakes which she was baking. + (Most probably she left the King + While she went out a-gossiping.) + Before he died in nine-nought-one, + Old England's Navy had begun. + He laid a tax on every town + To aid his fleet to gain renown. + He was the best of Saxon Kings + And did a lot of useful things; + Built Oxford with its noble spires + And mapped out England into Shires. + + Danes In seven-eight-three first came the Danes + 783 Who caused the Saxons aches and pains. + They sailed right up our rivers broad, + Putting the natives to the sword. + "Danegeld" For centuries our sadly fated + 991 Towns by them were devastated. + Etheldred the 'Unready Toff' + By 'Danegeld' tries to buy them off. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic] + + Canute Two hundred years the raiding Danes + 1014-1036 Came over. Then their Canute reigns. + We'll merely mention that he tried + An object lesson with the tide. + Hardicanute Hardicanute, sad to confess, + 1039-1041 Died from drinking to excess. + He couldn't conquer love of wine + And with him went the Danish line. + + Edward Edward the Confessor staid + the Confessor The Saxon line renewed. Remade + 1041-1066 At Westminster the Abbey grand, + And signed the first 'Will' in this land. + And since his time ('tis not refuted) + Scores of Wills have been disputed. + Ah! legal quibbles such as these + Mean Lawyers waxing rich on fees. + + Harold Harold last of the Saxon line + 1066 At Hastings made an effort fine + And lost his life--it was to be, + Crushed by the men of Normandy. + From Scandinavia they'd come, + And made fair Normandy their home; + William the Whence William spying out our shore, + Conqueror Oliver-Twist-like, wanted more. + 1066-1087 In ten-six-six he won the day + In that tough fight out Hastings way. + Of course, no record in our reach, + Depicts 'ole Bill' thus on the beach. + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic + +GOODE NYGHTE] + + William the But one thing's certain. Camera men, + Conqueror If only they'd existed then, + 1066-1087 Would have journeyed many a mile + To 'snap' King William's happy smile. + They made him King and schoolbooks say + He ruled with arbitrary sway; + Demanding with sharp battle axes + Instant payment of big taxes. + Curfew And p'raps it's just as well to tell + He introduced the Curfew Bell; + So at the early hour of eight + Each doused his glim, raked out his grate. + In bed at eight P.M. each day + Life was but sombre, dull and grey; + No cutting fancy ball room capers, + No Cinemas or evening papers. + He was a bully it is true, + But to allow him his just due + He made reforms; he also took + In hand the bulky Doomsday book. + + In William's time we're glad to write + People began to be polite; + Ladies curtseyed to their beaux, + Who smartly raised their gay chapeaux. + The Jews The Jews he introduced from Spain + Bringing much knowledge in their train + Of Arts and Science; but 'Longshanks' + Expelled them with no word of thanks. + Feudalism These were the well known Feudal days, + Tenants were slaves in many ways + To mighty Lords who owned the land + And ruled them with an iron hand. + Not free from duties were the Lords, + The King could call upon their swords + And men to fight in time of need. + So feudal laws of old decreed. + + William Rufus William Rufus or the 'Red' + 1087-1100 In ten-eight-seven ruled instead; + This may be; but we know, alack, + Though he was red his deeds were black. + Crusades The first Crusade in ten-nine-five, + 1095 A million men, a very hive, + Swarm to the East, the Holy plain + From the Mohammedans to gain. + + Henry I. Henry the First, of wisdom rife, + 1100-1135 Saxon Matilda makes his wife, + Saxon and Norman line uniting, + A learned chap who loved not fighting. + + Stephen Stephen of Blois ascends the throne + 1135-115 And 'gainst Matilda holds his own; + Grandson of the Conqueror; + Died in eleven-fifty-four. + + Henry II. Henry the Second claims our rhyme + 1154-1189 'The hardest worker of his time'; + A wiser King we never had + Nor father with his sons so bad. + Becket This the first 'Plantagenet' King + With Becket strove like anything; + Church v. Which should be Master, Church or Crown + Crown Pull-King Pull-Bishop; both went down. + Thomas was murdered by four Knights + On steps of Altar--Sorry wights: + With bleeding feet the King atones + By pilgrimage to Becket's bones. + Despite his struggles with the Church + He knocked the barons off their perch, + Fifteen hundred Castles razing + In a manner quite amazing. + Law Trial by jury further grows; + The King's Court in this reign arose; + Our Parliaments from this proceed + And all our other Courts indeed. + Linen Linen's first used in twelve-five + Woollens alone in vogue before. + Glass Windows In eleven-eight-nought first came to pass + The novelty of window glass. + And doubtless playful little boys + Full of children's simple joys, + Cracked as our youngsters often do + With stones or ball a pane or two. + Richard Coeur de Lion from one Crusade + Coeur de Lion Returning was a prisoner made. + 1189-1199 But Blondel played an Air he knew, + The King joined in; Voila the clue. + This catchy tune in a pleasant key + Opened the door to liberty. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic] + + John And so we'll quickly journey on + 1199-1216 Until we reach the reign of John; + A King whose list of crimes was heavy; + He treated badly his young 'Nevvy'. + Magna Charta He signed the Magna Charta. Yes; + 1215 In twelve-fifteen, but we may guess + With much ill grace and many a twist; + For King John wrote an awful fist. + John loses Normandy to France + And by this beneficial chance + In England comes amalgamation; + Normans and Saxons form one Nation + Robin Hood And now we come to Robin Hood, + The Forest bandit of Sherwood, + A popular hero much belauded + But not by folks whom he'd defrauded. + There's no need to descant upon + His boon companion 'Little John'; + Or 'Friar Tuck' so overblown + He tipped the scale at fifteen stone. + + Henry III. And what of Henry number Three, + 1216-1272 The King who suffered poverty? + It's very awkward we must own + To be 'hard up' when on a Throne; + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic] + + To have to scrape up an amount + To pay the butcher on account, + Or ask a dun in Kingly way + To kindly call some other day. + Coinage In twelve-five-seven it is stated + 1257 Gold was coined and circulated, + Ha'pence and farthings just before; + In those times worth a great deal more. + Langton The Bible which from over seas + Died 1228 Had no chapters and no verses + Was by Archbishop Langton's skill + Divided as we use it still. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic] + + Why was it Henry III. allowed + At court a huge rapacious crowd + To drain his coffers nearly dry + Flattering with cajolery? + +[Illustration: Alle fees in advance +Earlye closinge daye Thursdaye] + + Astrology Many simple folk, (it's queer) + Used to patronise the seer + And pay cash down for magic spell + Perchance a Horoscope as well. + Or open wide at special rate + That musty tome the Book of Fate; + Or seek the Philtre's subtle aid + To win the hand of some fair maid. + We mus'nt miss the Troubadours + Who went forth on their singing tours, + Twanging harps and trilling lays + To maids of medieval days. + And Oh! the right good merry times + With Maskers, Mummers and the Mimes, + Hobby horses gaily prancing, + Bats and Bowls and Maypole dancing. + When folks would take a lengthy journey + To see the Knights at Joust or Tourney: + Or watch the early English 'Knuts' + Show their skill at Archery butts. + Then come gloomy History pages + On torture of the Middle ages; + The clanking fetters grim and black, + The thumbscrew and the awful rack, + The horrors of the dungeon deep + Beneath the moat or castle keep, + Rusty locks and heavy keys + And--let us change the subject, please. + First House of Commons twelve-six-five, + At Westminster they all arrive. + Simon de Simon de Montfort was the man + Montfort Who 'engineered' this useful plan. + 1265 And we can picture these M.P.s + Newly fledged and ill at ease + Doing their level best to try + To catch the embryo speaker's eye. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic] + + Edward I. Edward First 'Longshanks' nicknamed + 1272-1307 For his lengthy stride far-famed. + Here he is in twelve-seven-two + Bounding along with much ado. + A Soldier, Statesman and a King + His lofty ideals picturing + That England, Scotland, Wales all three, + United should one country be. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic] + + First Prince In twelve-eight-two annexes Wales; + of Wales Where afterwards no strife prevails. + 1282 He promised a Prince with English + So gave his new-born speechless son. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic] + + Edward I. Next Scotland Edward tries to tackle + 1272-1307 No easy task the Scotch to shackle; + (continued) Wallace and Bruce resistance make, + The King dies ere he gains the stake. + In Edward's reign some author writes + They first used candle dips for lights; + And coal came in about this date + Mixed (as to-day) with lots of slate. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS] + + So Monarchs, Barons, Dukes and Knights + Warmed their toes with Derby Brights; + But those in hovels had the smuts + Arising from cheap Kitchen Nuts. + Roger Bacon Roger Bacon (ob. twelve-nine-three) + 1293 Versed was in arts of alchemy; + Gunpowder's composition knew; + And many another chemic brew. + Many Mortmain Acts are passed; + Six centuries these efforts last + To stop the hungry Hierarchy + Devouring all the Squirearchy. + Lollards Lollards in thirteen-seven arose + 1307 Popish rituals to oppose; + John Wycliffe gives to old and young + The Bible in the vulgar tongue. + With John of Gaunt's protection strong + He dared to preach 'gainst cleric wrong; + Precursor of the Reformation + To liberal thought attuned the nation. + + Edward II. Edward the Second with his minions + 1307-1327 Governs badly these dominions + His son a man of different mould + Edward III. Was Edward Three, both wise and bold. + 1327-1377 Through clinging to their French domains + Our Kings are French through many reigns + And Edward fighting in this cause + French Wars Commenced a hundred years of Wars. + A century's struggle. For our pains + Only Calais town remains. + A century after this 'twas lost, + In Mary's reign. Oh! what a frost. + Weaving In thirteen-three-one England's taught + 1331 Weaving by men from Flanders brought. + Ryghte goode cloth with lots of 'body' + The world was then not up to 'shoddy.' + Blanket of Bristol in this year + Invented blankets for our cheer; + And since that time its been our boast + Our beds have been as warm as toast. + Edward 'Black Prince' One-three-four-six, + A brave and noble warrior, 'licks' + Crecy The valiant French in Crecy's fray; + 1346 Cannon first used upon this day, + Causing panic with their rattle; + But the Yeomen win the battle, + For, flicking arrows from their bows + They 'filled the air as when it snows.' + Thereon the English Calais seize + And of the channel hold the keys; + The Spanish pirates bend the knee + Then Edward III's 'King of the sea.' + Parliament Lords and Commons from this date + 1376 Have their meetings separate, + The Commons first a Speaker make + The Chancellors the Woolsack take. + Ten lady members have the Lords + But doubtless fearful of their words, + Or thinking it not orthodoxy, + They only let them vote by proxy. + While Church and Barons have their squabbles + The House of Commons more power nobbles; + On laws and taxes dares speak out + And give the Pope the right-about. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic + +KINGE RYCHARD Ye II QUARRELINGE WITHE HYSSE PEOPLE] + + Leasing Leasing or Farming, we are taught, + Was introduced 'bout twelve-nought-nought; + The Feudal system's weakened and + The Tenants 'usufruct' the land. + On various counts the serfs go free + And work for wages (Edward Three). + The Black Death and the foreign wars + In labour ranks commotion cause; + Strikes and craftsmen's combination + Then arise among the nation; + These movements preached by one John Ball, + Who, born too soon, was hanged withal. + + Richard II. Now comes the Second Richard's reign. + 1377-1399 It is recorded very plain + That he was full of discontent + Quarrelling with his Parliament. + +[Illustration: "BY MY HALIDOM I'LL NOT PAY IT"] + + Poll Tax With his taxes super-sated + 1380 The peasants grew exasperated; + They threw their spades and pitchforks down + And marched as rebels into town. + Thirteen-eighty's Poll taxation + Puts equal tax on all the nation; + Lays seven thousand peasants dead; + Wat Tyler and Jack Straw at head. + Praemunire Praemunire Act is passed + To check the Papal Bulls at last. + Chaucer Chaucer the Poet this same year + Makes Pilgrimage to Becket's bier. + +[Illustration: FORTES FORTUNA JUVAT. + +IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic] + + Age of This was the age, aye verily, + Chivalry Of ryghte goode noble chivalry, + When Knights went forth through storm and stress + To rescue beauty in distress. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic.] + + Or sallied out in valiant way + A monster dragon for to slay, + Or with lance or trusty blade + Defend from harm the hapless maid. + + Henry IV. Henry Four, called 'Bolingbroke' + 1399-1413 In Richard's wheel puts many a spoke; + Compels him to resign the throne + Which thereupon he makes his own. + Through John of Gaunt, Lancastrian famed, + His title to the crown he claimed; + The Parliament confirms his right + And thus he's king without a fight. + In this reign persecution's turned + Lollards Against the Lollards--Cobham's burned. + 1401 Incredible! The records show + A statute 'de Comburondo.' + + Henry V. From fourteen-thirteen, Henry Five, + 1413-1422 For many years with France did strive; + His Widow founds the Tudor House + By taking Owen for her spouse. + + Henry VI. Henry Six, next in our rhymes, + 1422-1461 For fifty years had troublous times; + Wars of Roses, Wars with France, + The poor man never had a chance. + Joan of Arc Joan of Arc the peasant Maid + 1430 Inspired the French with Mystic aid; + Disunited, we make peace, + All France but Calais we release. + Constantinople Constantinople's seized by Turks + 1453 Causing Greek Scholars (with their works) + To fly to Italy; and thence + Learning's reborn--'The Renaissance.' + + Edward IV. In Edward Fourth, fourteen-six-one + 1461-1483 The House of York obtains the Throne. + He wins at Towton's bloody fray, + No quarter given on that day. + Guy, Earl of Warwick in these frays + Was always turning different ways; + Barnet On Barnet Field he met his doom + 1471 The Rose of York's now well abloom. + The Barons, Church and Commons fall, + The King emerges Boss of all. + Benevolences he exacts, + An early form of Super Tax. + Earl of 'Kingmaker' was Earl Warwick styled + Warwick With his manner scarcely mild + He set Kings up and bowled them down + Playing at ninepins with the Crown. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic] + + Wars of Roses White and Red Rose warring madly + 1485 Bled the country very sadly, + Three-and-thirty years contending; + At Bosworth Field we see the ending. + Printing First in fourteen-seventy-three + 1473 We print from type in this Countree. + Now it is that time's first measured + By monster watches greatly treasured. + Thomas Parr this centurie + His hundred-fifty years did see; + But Henry Jenkins, so 'tis said, + In age was seventeen years ahead. + Hoary patriarchs were these + Retaining p'raps their faculties; + What a comfort 'tis to mention + Neither drew the old age pension. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic + +Ye Bookeworme Burninge ye Midnyghte Oile] + + Printing started through the Nation + A taste for higher education; + Here is a citizen at home; + Note his very brainy Dome. + + Richard III. Richard (Crookback) in fateful hour + 1483-1485 Smothered his nephews in the Tower, + He murdered them the Crown to gain; + A heavy price for three years' reign. + The Scutcheon's blotted terribly + Of this King Richard number Three, + For it seems his recreation + Was ordering decapitation. + 1485 On Bosworth Field when sorely pressed + He made a bid th'uncommonest + 'My kingdom for a horse' he cried; + No offers coming, there he died. + + Henry VII. Lancastrian Richmond wins the fight + 1485-1509 And to make his title right + Elizabeth of York espouses, + Thus uniting the two Houses. + This Henry Seven of Tudor line + To misers' habits did incline; + Twelve millions stated to possess, + A tidy little fortune! Yes! + Star Chamber Much he managed to extort + By means of a Star Chamber Court + From the rich nobles; A new wile + For adding to the kingly pile. + With cash in hand he could attain + His wish as Autocrat to reign; + As sole possessor of the guns + The King no risk from rebels runs. + +[Illustration: SKYSCRAPE FLATS TO BE ERECTED HERE + +BUY HUSTLES CHEWING GUM + +FIFTH AVENUE + +IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic] + + Columbus Columbus, full of travellers' lore, + 1498 By going West sought India's shore; + But found America's wondrous land; + His 'exes' paid by Ferdinand. + Of voyagers we've now a lot + Vasco da Gama and Cabot, + Who sailed from Bristol, whence it grew + Bristolians claim this fine cuckoo. + +[Illustration: Henry VIII Pops the Question] + + Henry VIII. Now Henry Eight comes on the screen, + 1509-1547 A stalwart youth, aetat. eighteen; + With youthful hope the nation's buoyed; + Only, alas! to be destroyed. + +[Illustration: Henry ye eighth Thynkynge offe ye Past] + + Henry VIII. This King Henry number Eight + 1509-1547 Six times tried the married state; + (continued) And certainly of all the Kings + Spent the most on wedding rings. + But to search through old Archives + For tales of Henry and his wives + And all their little tiffs to trace + We cannot spare the time or space. + Yet there are some who fain would sing + The praises of this rotund King; + But as a husband we're afraid + His category's lowest grade. + He wielded harsh the despot's power, + And packed his wives off to the Tower; + Consigned them to a fate most dreaded; + Two, alas! he had beheaded. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic + +_HAIL NOW TO THEE OUR GOOD QUEEN BESS!_] + + Henry VIII. + (continued) + + Reformation Martin Luther, fifteen-one-seven, + 1517 Sows his Reformation leaven; + It finds a culture medium here + In the 'New Learning's' atmosphere. + Of this New Learning More's the chief, + Utopia's Author, He's 'mid grief + Beheaded, saying cool and calm, + 'Cut not my beard, that's done no harm.' + His friend Erasmus, Logic's Master, + Trimmed his sails and 'scaped disaster. + A third, Dean Colet who St. Paul's + School London into being calls. + Wolsey In fifteen-thirty Wolsey great, + 1530 A Cardinal and Man of State, + From Butcher's son had risen high. + Reader! consult your Shakespeare nigh. + Blamed by some; by others praised; + He fell; but still the pile he raised + Most nobly graces Hampton Court. + Give Wolsey then a tender thought. + His main ambition that the King + Should be supreme in everything; + Thomas And Thomas Cromwell followed suit + Cromwell To make his master absolute + Head of the Church within his realm. + These two most able at the helm; + But not with skill enough endued + To 'scape their King's ingratitude. + Despotical the King's power grew. + He's England's Pope by Act of Su- + Premacy; as, to gain divorce, + The foreign Pope is banned perforce. + 1537 Now Bluff King Harry gives the Monks + A series of most awful funks; + Three thousand odd of their domains + He 'collars' for his Courtiers' gains. + + Edward VI. Edward Six to the throne succeeds + 1547-1553 A pious youth of goodly deeds; + One, well known in the Capital, + The Blue Coat School (Christ's Hospital). + + Mary Queen Mary One, in Smithfield Square, + 1553-1558 At Oxford, Gloucester and elsewhere, + Burned poor Martyrs by the score; + The Romish faith she would restore. + + Elizabeth Hail now to thee our good Queen Bess, + 1558-1603 Garbed in the puffed and padded dress, + Farthingale and starched up frills, + Meaning heavy laundry bills. + Od's Bodikins; what monstrous ruffs, + What gowns of rich embroidered stuffs + Piped and scolloped, trimmed with furs, + And shaped like huge gasometers. + Now we've warfare of the Creeds, + For their thoughts all Europe bleeds; + Each party seeks by force to make + The other side its faith forsake. + Spain the Great Power of those days + In these contentions first part plays. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic + +PLYMOUTH HOE BOWLING CLUB] + + Drake Drake at bowls on Plymouth Hoe + Left his game to meet this foe + And came home laden we are told + With seachests full of Spanish gold. + Armada In fifteen-eight-eight Armada strong + 1588 From Spain to squash us comes along; + Which Howard, Frobisher and Drake + And stormy weather overtake. + +[Illustration: GLOBE THEATRE TONYGHTE +Ye TRAGEDYE OFFE HAMLETTE +BY WILLIAM SHAKSPERE. + +IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic] + + Shakespeare And in these epoch making days + 1564-1616 Shakespeare wrote and staged his plays; + Weaving a thread whose magic strands + Entwine all English-speaking lands. + Fifteen-eight-seven Scots' Queen Mary + Lost her head through fate contrary. + When Henry Eight had robbed the Church + 'Twas found the poor were in the lurch; + Poor Law A law was passed about this date + To place the poor upon the rate. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic] + + Sir Walter Sir Walter Raleigh, best of Knights, + Raleigh The first to taste the keen delights + 1552-1618 Of the enchantress so serene, + The Ryghte Goode Ladye Nicotine. + No information's yet to hand + Concerning Raleigh's favourite brand; + Tobacco Was it coarse-cut shag which burns + The tongue, or birdseye or returns? + +[Illustration] + + Queen Good Queen Bess we understand + Elizabeth Had crowds of suitors for her hand; + And here we beg to give a view + Of suitors waiting in a queue. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic] + + Queen As time rolled on this Good Queen Bess + Elizabeth Lost somewhat of her sprightliness; + (continued) She got into a nervous state + Was mopish and disconsolate. + Now, as everyone will own, + Had 'Iron Jelloids' been but known + In Bess's time; why, it's conceded + 'Twas just the Tonic that she needed. + East India The great 'John Comp'ny' now began + Company Its fine career without a plan. + 1600 Great! The Elizabethan Age. + In History's book a glorious page. + +[Illustration] + + Somewhere or other we've heard snuff + Came in the days of frill and ruff; + And here's a noble ill at ease + Giving the first recorded sneeze. + + James I. James Six of Scotland, miscalled a 'fule' + 1603-1625 As James One of England comes to rule. + Gramercy! 'tis a canny thing + To be a 'double-barrelled' King. + The son of Mary Queen of Scots + Of learning he had lots and lots, + Writing sundry ponderous books + 'Gainst 'bacca, witches and their spooks. + James thought his kingly power divine + And, loathing Puritanic 'whine,' + He vowed to make them all comply + Or else he'd 'know the reason why.' + Pilgrim Fathers His persecution to escape + 1620 Some Zealots in the 'Mayflower' shape + Their course for an uncharted world + Where Freedom's Flag could be unfurled. + These 'Pilgrim Fathers' found a state + 'New England,' blessed with happy fate. + Folks have called the first King James + Most uncomplimentary names; + To wit 'a sloven' and 'a glutton'; + Perhaps his weakness was Scotch Mutton. + And as to gluttony, 'Gadzooks'! + If what we read in History books + Is true, they all were trenchermen; + There were no diet faddists then. + It startles us, one must declare, + To read their breakfast bill of fare; + All 'Kynes' of ale, some highly spiced + And divers meats, roast, boiled and sliced. + In James' reign a man could get + For money down a coronet + And titles with the greatest ease + Like folks to-day buy soap and cheese. + Harvey Yet a learned time; for Harvey shows + That blood's not stagnant, but it flows; + Lord Bacon 'Experiment!' Lord Bacon cries + 'There is no progress otherwise.' + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic + +MODEL OF THE NOTORIOUS GUY FAWKES +WHICH HOWEVER IS NOT CONSIDERED +HISTORICALLY ACCURATE] + + 5th November Of troubles James had quite a lot, + 1605 For instance the Gunpowder Plot. + It fizzled out but left to-day + A liking for Firework display. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic + +THE FIRST CRACKER] + + So rockets with their sweeping curves, + Crackers which upset the nerves + And squibs with their infernal din + To this date owe their origin. + + Charles I. His son Charles One we understand + 1625-1649 Ruled England with a grasping hand; + For he was never loth to levy + Taxes burdensome and heavy. + He moved in an expensive set, + Was always heavily in debt; + In fact this monarch with his frills + Was snowed up to the neck with bills. + He was courtly, graceful, distingue, + And when the scaffold came his way + 'He nothing common did or mean + Upon that memorable scene.' + He had a very taking way + And made his taxed up subjects pay; + And over taxing it is said + This Monarch fairly lost his head. + Petition of The 'Petition of Right' a famous Act, + Right--1628 The Commons from the King exact; + Giving the subject on his own + A remedy against the throne. + First In sixteen-hundred-twenty-one + Newspaper Our first news-sheet began its run; + 1621 For twenty years 'twas going strong + Then the first Censor came along. + This journal cribbing from the Dutch + Lacked the smart journalistic touch; + And also photographic views, + 'Sporting pars' and 'Stop-press News.' + +[Illustration: The Great Struggle in Charles' Time. +King Trying to get Money from Taxpayer. +Creditor Trying to get Money from King] + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic + +_THAT QUIET MAN, KNOWN AS THE EARLY PURITAN._] + + Cotton Cotton first came from India's shore + 1630 In sixteen-thirty, less or more; + Where for three thousand years it grew, + Also in Egypt and Peru. + Grim reading is the note confessing + Gangs went out for Navy pressing, + Forcing many a timid knave + To spend his life on ocean wave. + Ship Money Charles raises the ship money tax; + 1636 He thought he only had to 'ax'; + When Hampden strenuously objected, + The King was very much affected. + Strafford Earl Strafford ('Thorough') in his pride + 1641 'The King shall rule the Commons' cried; + The Commons would not brook such stuff + And cut his head off. 'Quantum Suff.' + The 'Grand Remonstrance' is put forth + By the Commons who are wrath + With the King's despotic ways + Quite unsuited to these days. + The King tries hard to put in jail + Five Members but without avail; + Hollis, Strode, Haslerig and Pym + And Hampden (we must mention him); + They're guarded from the Royal hands + By Watermen and City Bands. + The 'die is cast' and Civil War + For seven long years the Nation tore. + + Civil Wars Cromwell greatest of the foemen + 1642-1648 With his faithful English Yeomen; + These 'Roundheads' sober, grim, religious + To 'Cavaliers' gave blows prodigious. + Their character's seen in the cry + 'Trust God and keep your powder dry.' + Naseby The Cavaliers and Roundheads fought + 1645 In many a field, 'till Naseby brought + To Generals Cromwell and Fairfax + A crowning victory, though not 'pax.' + The King's beheaded, but the State + Experiences no headless fate; + A commonwealth's forthwith proclaimed + And Cromwell's soon Protector named. + Dunbar In sixteen-fifty Dunbar sees + 1650 The Royal Scots brought to their knees; + Worcester And in the second Worcester fight + 1651 Cromwell for good asserts his might. + And there are those who love to tell + About that day at Boscobel + When Charles the Second's Majestye + Found itself doubly 'up a tree.' + And now we meet that quiet man + Known as the early Puritan; + Mild and placid in his talk, + Calm and measured in his walk. + +[Illustration: "PAINT ME WARTS AND ALL" + +IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic] + + Commonwealth Oliver Cromwell bluff and bold, + 1649-1660 Was cast in Nature's sternest mould, + Lacking maybe the courtly grace + And proud of warts upon his face. + He fought the Irish and the Scotch + And with his navy beat the Dutch + Let all his faults condoned be, + He kept us up on land and sea. + +[Illustration: "TAKE AWAY THAT BAUBLE" + +IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic] + + Commonwealth He seemed to like bold argument + (continued) And wordy wars with Parliament; + He made things lively we infer + Frequently at Westminster. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic] + + With M.P.s he had many a bout + And one day cleared the whole lot out; + Locked the door and took the key; + Those not the days of 'Wait and See.' + + Charles II. Cromwell's death brings Restoration + 1660-1685 And Charles Two lands 'mid acclamation. + After his leaps from twig to twig + He now has 'Otium cum Dig.' + In merry Charles the Second's age + Woman first acted on the stage; + The King encouraged much this vogue + He was a pleasure seeking rogue. + 'He never said a foolish thing, + Nor did a wise one'; this the King + Countered with 'My words my own + My acts my ministers' alone'; + 1662 In sixteen-six-two year of grace, + Charles taxed every fire-place; + And citizens who couldn't pay + Shivered and grumbled as to-day. + These were the times of Musketeers + And proud and dashing Cavaliers; + When words were few and tempers hot + And duels fought out on the spot. + + John Bunyan The tinker preacher Bunyan wrote + The 'Pilgrim's Progress' we still quote, + The prison bars no barrier wrought + To lowly Bunyan's lofty thought. + Milton In stately language Milton's muse + 1678 The Bible story doth diffuse; + From 'Paradise Lost' we get our view + Of Adam and Eve and Satan too. + The Reverend Titus Oates, a scamp, + Egregious Popish plots did vamp, + Lied roundly for dishonest gains, + Got Cat-o'-nine-tails for his pains. + Habeas Corpus The 'Habeas Corpus' best of laws + 1679 Shields us from prison without cause; + 'Twas passed in sixteen-seventy-nine, + And means 'Produce him here,' in fine. + Van Tromp Admiral Van Tromp, Dutchman bold, + With broom at masthead, so 'tis told, + The Channel sailed, suggesting he's + Swept all the English from the seas. + Blake But Blake laughed loud and spread his sails + Nought the Dutchman now avails; + For he got an awful shocker + Right to Davy Jones' locker. + But though the Dutch failed to invade, + They were not disinclined to trade; + So we get 'Hollands,' cheese and hams + Fresh from the land of Dykes and Dams. + Peace of Breda For fifteen years these Navies fought, + 1667 'Till sixteen-six-seven respite brought; + The Peace of Breda then succeeded; + New York to England was conceded. + Plague In sixty-five the Plague appears + Fire of London And then the Fire; two awful years + 1665-1666 For London--And if more you'd know + Consult the Pages of Defoe. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic + +_QUEEN ANNE AND THE DUKE OF MARLBOROUGH._] + + James II. When Charles Two died his brother James + 1685-1688 Soon put the country into flames; + Papistry he would advance, + And for that purpose leagued with France. + In sixteen-eight-eight his bigot zeal + Religious Test Act would repeal; + Seven bold Bishops who defied + To the Tower were sent and tried. + The country raised a hue and cry + So off to France the King doth fly. + + William III. His place is filled by William Three + 1689-1702 His son-in-law from Dutch countree. + This Orange sprig most brave of men + With Mary reigns and all things then + Went well with us. Macaulay's page + Hails him as Hero of the age. + In this reign of William Three, + Laws were harsh 'gainst burglary; + For they'd a very drastic way + And hanged the 'Bill Sykes' of that day. + National Debt In sixteen-nine-four we have heard + 1694 The National Debt was first incurred; + To careful folk who would invest + 'Twas not devoid of interest. + Another National Debt we owe + To Iron Jelloids which the foe + Depression's worries keep at bay + And drive our nervous fears away. + Bill of Rights The 'Bill of Rights,' a Charter grand, + 1689 In sixteen-eight-nine frees this land + From all encroachments of the Crown + Hoi Polloi are no longer down. + + Queen Anne Good Queen Anne we know is dead; + 1702-1714 She reigned twelve years but it is said + 'Mrs. Morley,' Marlborough's wife + Ruled her more than half her life. + Marlborough This was the Duke of Marlborough's day, + Who beat the French in every fray; + Known for his famous victories + At Blenheim and at Ramillies. + In seventeen-seven by statute passed + English and Scotch unite at last; + 'One coinage and one Parliament' + Both Nations ever since content. + About this time, so runs the story, + Much is heard of 'Whig and Tory'; + And shortly after there was rife + Many a sign of party strife. + Dr. Watts Good Dr. Watts' moral lays + 1674-1748 Were much reputed in these days; + And still we lisp at Mother's knee + 'How doth the little Busy Bee.' + Pope Pope, letter-writer and great poet, + 1688-1744 Most quotable of all (ye know it), + At Twickenham penned his caustic verse + Epigrammatic, smooth and terse. + + George I. The House of Stuart being ended, + 1714-1727 George of Hanover (descended + From daughter of King Jamie One) + Comes over to ascend our throne. + Of English George knew not a word, + Most awkward, not to say absurd, + At Cabinet Councils to preside; + So from this time the practice died. + + George II. His son George Two succeeding then + 1727-1760 In person fought at Dettingen. + Both these Kings had various fights + In Scotland with the Jacobites. + William Tull brings in Post Chaises; + Now the people ride like 'blazes.'; + Many can't for they're in trouble, + Ruined by the South Sea Bubble. + Wesleys John and Charles Wesley, men of mind, + 1703-1791 Revive Religion in Mankind. + Founding a Church both broad and low, + One-seven-three-nought A. Domini. + Beginning as an office clerk, + Clive As soldier Clive soon made his mark, + 1746 And conquered India for this Nation; + Self 'stounded at his moderation. + Bridgwater, Gilbert, Brindley, three + Great Engineers this Centurie, + Canals Useful canals in England made, + The flowing arteries of trade. + Quebec General Wolfe seventeen-five-nine + 1759 Captures Quebec--a victory fine, + And Canada's the splendid prize + For old 'John Bull' to colonise. + + George III. And now of Georgey number Three: + 1760-1820 Ut mulus obstinatus he + Had full sixty years of reign + And a big family to train. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic + +_GEORGIAN TIMES._] + + Georgian We will but very lightly scan + Times The customs known as 'Georgian'; + The times of powdered Belles and Beaux; + Patches, paint and furbelows; + Of beauteous maids and gallants gay + And merry routs at Ranelagh; + Gaming parties, cards or pool + And 'Fops' of the Beau Brummel School. + +[Illustration: "ODDS FAITH THEY SAY THERE'S IRON IN IT" + +IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic] + + When rank and fashion History tells + All took their cures among the Wells; + And sipped in manner hesitating + Daily doses nauseating. + But we know better how to act + Our cures we purchase more compact + For in the Chemists' you can see + 'Iron Jelloids' priced at 'One and Three.' + Lord 'Periwig' and gay 'Fallal' + In Sedan Chairs frequent the Mall. + 'Taxis' and 'Tubes' we beg to state + Came in at a much later date. + When Brummel, the historic Beau, + Made laws for dress and outward show; + Whose vests were poems, whose coats were dreams + Of gorgeous beauty, so it seems; + Who figured in the public gaze + A 'Star turn' with his courtly ways; + Who fixed the style of a cravat, + Lord of Appeal anent a hat. + And My Lord Chesterfield was quite + The model of the most polite + Wrote famous letters. It's a shame, + A settee has usurped his name. + Dr. Johnson And Dr. Johnson at his ease + 1709-1784 Sipped his tea at the 'Cheshire Cheese,' + Or at the 'Mitre' of renown, + Spreading his wit throughout the Town. + Garrick When Garrick as the 'Moody Dane' + Drew the Town to Drury Lane, + Mrs. Siddons Sarah Siddons was all the rage + Tragedy Queen of every age. + Highwaymen armed to the teeth + Waited for prey on Hounslow Heath; + Per contra the Highwayman's pate + Was oft strung up at Tyburn Gate. + Capt. Cook It's only right a History book + 1728-1779 Should mark the feats of Captain Cook; + So jot it down in these our Rhymes + That round the World he sailed three times. + Inventions These are the days of much invention + 1767 The 'Spinning Jenny' we will mention; + The 'Cotton Mule' and 'Power Loom'; + For Authors' names there's lack of room. + Adam Smith In his book 'The Wealth of Nations' + 1766 Adam Smith shows the relations + Governing the Art of Trading; + With influences far pervading. + 'Man buys as cheaply as he can + And sells as dearly, that's his plan.' + 'Supply Demand each other feed + Dearer markets cheap ones bleed.' + Jenner Jenner brings in vaccination, + 1796 Boon to every generation; + By similar methods now devised + Many an ill is exorcised. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic + +_NELSON AND WELLINGTON._] + + American War In seventeen-sixty and fifteen + 1775 Our Taxes raise the Yankees' spleen. + 'Unrepresented, you've no right + To tax us, therefore we will fight.' + Washington, Franklin and the rest + Formed a Republic quite the best; + We've long been friends. Let us rejoice; + But at the time we had no choice. + + French In France in times of Louis Seize (says) + Revolution Oppression dire through countless days + Roused Revolution with its tears + Mainly through books with wrong ideas. + Napoleon I. From Revolution's putrid mess + 1793-1815 A Conqueror's born, quite conscienceless, + Millions of men and women died + Victims to Napoleon's pride. + He plunged all Europe into Wars + His own ambition the sole cause. + England as usual did her 'bit' + And 'Boney' Europe had to quit. + During these years of storm and stress + Two noble pilots we possess + 'Chatham and Son' (Pitt is their name), + Illustrious on the scroll of fame. + Nelson 1805 Here we must our homage pay + To Nelson of Trafalgar Day; + Wellington To Wellington the same is due, + Who crowned his fame at Waterloo. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic] + + And 'Shiver my timbers,' 'Heave ahoy,' + The Tar, those times a breezy boy + With shiny hat and pigtail long + And love for lass and glass and song. + Discovery of About this date Electric Force + Electric Force Dawns on mankind. Before, of course, + In Lightning it was all about, + With noise enough to be found out. + Coelo eripuit fulmen, + 'Twas said of Franklin, as ye ken. + Philosopher of bygone age + Accept our homage on this page. + But who'd have thought it that Galvani + When making soup, (this is no blarney) + By his power of observation + On a frog's legs' oscillation + Should find how by chemic ways + Electric currents we can raise? + To call him 'great' is no flattery; + He set us on the wondrous battery. + This simple little frog, Heigh Ho! + The frog who would a-wooing go; + Thy part in electricity + Is unmatched eccentricity. + This new discovered fact, of course, + Leads to the Telegraph of Morse, + The Motor and Electric Light + The Telephone and more in sight. + +[Illustration: _IN QUEEN VICTORIA'S PALMY DAYS._] + + Ireland Of Ireland but a word or two. + Celts were her people and they knew + Not benefit of Roman Ruling; + Young Europa's Infant Schooling. + In century five St. Patrick great + Converts them to the Christian state; + And from this Western Isle afar, + English and Scotch converted are. + Danes and Two hundred years from nine-nought-nought + Ireland Danes raiding Erin trouble brought; + And left them in chaotic state + No longer masters of their fate. + In those days 'twas 'Woe to the weak,' + Saxons and Danes had made us squeak, + Then came the Normans in great force + And civilised us in due course. + They tried the same with Ireland green; + But only sowed a feud between + The land they'd conquered and Erin, + Leading to endless quarrelling. + England accepts the Reformation, + Catholic still the Irish nation + Cromwell Sees Cromwell with them battle join + Boyne And William beat them at the Boyne. + William Pitt in eighteen-nought-nought + Ireland and England's welfare sought + Act of Union By 'Act of Union' which he passed; + 1800 But still the wretched squabbles last. + + George IV. Now come George Four and Will his brother; + William IV. With these two kings we need not bother; + The first a gourmand, bon viveur, + The next a sailor, bluff, sans peur. + Trevithick, Newcomen, and Watt + Are names will never be forgot; + For their crude engines were the source + Of man's control of Steam's wild force. + Steam By eighteen-thirty man has tamed + 1830 Steam to his use; and widely famed + Was puffing 'Rocket' with the power + Of doing thirty miles an hour. + Steam prompts man to make machines + And Factories rise with all that means; + Divided more and more is labour + Each man leans more on his neighbour. + For twenty million pounds the nation + Buys our slaves' emancipation. + Reform Act In eighteen-three-two, happy year, + The great Reform Act doth appear. + Steam vessels the Atlantic cross. + The penny post comes into force. + And double knocks bring joys and thrills + Sometimes cheques, more often bills. + Corn Law The Corn Law duty's brushed away, + Repeal 18 Hence we enjoy cheap bread to-day. + + We fain would linger, but alas, + These are the periods we must pass. + So gentle reader do not grin + At sight of cumbrous crinoline. + Victoria Since Queen Victoria's palmy days + 1837-1901 Woman has altered all her ways. + In those days she was meek and mild + And treated almost like a child; + Was brought up in a narrow zone; + And couldn't call her soul her own. + She vegetated, 'tis well known + Under the 'cloche' of Chaperone. + Woman's But now the 'Franchise' she obtains, + Status And her own property retains. + What a difference from then, + She 'carries on' just like the men. + And now at Westminster we see + A lady sitting as M.P. + + Darwin Charles Darwin offers us a Key + 1809-1882 To help unlock the mystery + Of Evolution's wondrous span + From Protoplasm up to Man. + Livingstone The traveller, great Scotch Livingstone, + 1813-1873 Wandered o'er Afric's trackless Zone; + Where no white man had ever trod + Teaching the blacks the Word of God. + Crimean War English, French and Turks unite + 'Gainst Russia in Crimean fight. + Indian Mutiny The Indian Mutiny now arose, + 'Fat' was the cause that led to blows. + Atlantic Cable With efforts many men most able + Lay the great Atlantic Cable. + Suez Canal Lesseps unites for you and me + The Medit'ranean and Red Sea. + Education Act The Education Act proposes + To make us all as wise as Moses; + In eighteen-seven-nought it passed, + But each is learning to the last. + Ballot Act A couple of years from this we note + 1872 The Ballot Act gives secret vote; + Before this Act, e'en since we fear, + Folks sold their votes for draughts of beer. + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic + +_WOMEN TOOK TO SPADE AND HOE._] + + Edward VII. Edward Seven, 'Peacemaker' named, + 1901-1910 His efforts to this end far famed. + We know it was no idle chance + His 'Entente cordiale' with France. + True friendship and the peace we want + The outcome of this grand Entente. + Though not accented in our rhyme + We've been fighting all the time; + And it's a fact which must be stated + Our chief opponent (so 'twas fated) + Wars with Our nearest neighbour o'er the Sea + France Whose 'No' is 'Non'; whose 'Yes' is 'Oui'; + Like two schoolboys always sparring + Eight hundred years together warring; + From Hastings unto Waterloo + We'd battles with the brave 'Mossoo.' + Now Honi soit qui still y pense; + Hurrah for England! Vive la France! + + + And here we come to end our rhymes + We've reached the present stirring times, + When one and all lent helping hand + To keep secure the Motherland. + When men went forth to fight the foe + And women took to spade and hoe, + And donning smocks of nattiest styles, + Worked on the land for Farmer Giles. + Now three cheers for the dainty maids, + Government clerks of different grades; + +[Illustration] + + Nor are we likely to forget + Our debt to the Munitionette. + The We seem to have subdued the Hun + Present Time And so farewell (our task is done) + To Anzacs-Indians-Poilus-Yanks-- + Italians-Belgians-Japs-and-Tanks. + +[Illustration] + + + + +Concerning +MEN and TONICS + +_by the late +DR. ANDREW WILSON._ + + +_"Many a man feels so thoroughly out of sorts, and thinks himself so +dreadfully ill, that he is rather surprised when the doctor tells him +there is not really anything seriously the matter with him at all; that +he just needs a tonic, and should put the brake on as regards work, +worry, or late hours._ + +_"It is this 'run-down-ness,' 'out-of-sorts-ness,' 'below-par-ness,' +which lead to all kinds of fanciful fears, such as having Brain Fag, +Neurasthenia, and other conditions startling by name at least._ + +_"Now I have found the form of Iron Jelloids put up with Quinine (called +Iron Jelloids No. 2A), to be an excellent Tonic in all such cases. When +a man or youth feels out-of-sorts, and is not so ill as to require +medical advice, he cannot do better than try a Fortnight's Treatment of +Iron Jelloids No. 2A, as a suitable and effective remedy._ + + _For DEBILITY, WEAKNESS and NERVINESS, Men find the Ideal Tonic + and Restorative in Iron Jelloids No. 2A._ + + _For ANAEMIA in Men and Women (shown by breathlessness on slight + exertion, pallor, depression and weakness) Doctors have for many + years prescribed the well-known Iron Jelloids No. 2.--there is + nothing better._ + + +_A Ten Days Treatment (price 1/3) will convince you._ + +_Mr. J. R. PENNINGTON, Chemist, late of Worksop, writes:--"I always +handle Iron Jelloids with pleasure as my customers are invariably +satisfied with them."_ + +[Illustration: IRON 'JELLOIDS' +(_Pronounced Jell-Lloyds._)] + + + Reliable Tonic for Men IRON JELLOIDS No. 2A. + For Anaemia in Men & Women IRON JELLOIDS No. 2. + For Growing Children IRON JELLOIDS No. 1. + +_Of all Chemists. A Ten Days Treatment 1/3. Large size 3/-_ + + +_Manufactured by The Iron Jelloid Co., Ltd., 189, Central Street, +London, E.C.1. England._ + + + + +[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic] + + + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Transcriber's Note | + | | + | Details of minor typographical corrections and retained | + | mis-spellings are provided in the source of the associated | + | html version. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's A Humorous History of England, by C. Harrison + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A HUMOROUS HISTORY OF ENGLAND *** + +***** This file should be named 26388.txt or 26388.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/2/6/3/8/26388/ + +Produced by Chris Curnow, David Wilson and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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