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+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 147,
+August 12, 1914, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 147, August 12, 1914
+
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: July 24, 2008  [eBook #26119]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOLUME 147, AUGUST 12, 1914***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer, and the Project
+Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net)
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 26119-h.htm or 26119-h.zip:
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/6/1/1/26119/26119-h/26119-h.htm)
+      or
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/6/1/1/26119/26119-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOL. 147
+
+AUGUST 12, 1914
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+
+A gentleman with a foreign name who was arrested in the neighbourhood of
+the Tyne shipyards last week with measuring gauges and a map in his
+possession explained, on being charged, that he was looking for work. It
+is possible that some hard labour may be found for him.
+
+       * * *
+
+"Members of Parliament will not suffer," was the comfortable statement
+of Mr. JOSIAH WEDGWOOD during a speech on the subject of the War. As a
+matter of fact, owing to the French cooks employed at the House of
+Commons having returned to their country, the _menu_ at the House will
+have to consist, until the end of the session, of plain English fare.
+
+       * * *
+
+The foresight of the British Public in refusing to subscribe the large
+amount of money asked of them for the Olympic Sports in Berlin is now
+apparent.
+
+       * * *
+
+Although still under twenty-one years of age, and therefore not yet
+liable for military service, GEORGES CARPENTIER has gallantly joined the
+colours as a volunteer. It would be pleasant if he and the Russian
+HACKENSCHMIDT could shortly meet in Berlin.
+
+       * * *
+
+A dear old lady writes to say that she was shocked to read that Sir
+ERNEST SHACKLETON'S ship, on leaving the Thames, was hooted at by
+sirens, and that such conduct makes her ashamed of her sex.
+
+       * * *
+
+Meanwhile, thoughtful persons are wondering whether there will be any
+fighting at the South Pole. It will be remembered that the Austrians
+were also fitting out a South Pole expedition, and friendly rivalry
+between the two nations may soon become impossible.
+
+       * * *
+
+The W.S.P.U. has written to the Press to contradict the statement that
+the Union has issued instructions that acts of militancy are to be
+suspended during the European crisis. The Union, we understand,
+considers the statement calculated to cause serious injury to its
+reputation.
+
+       * * *
+
+Which reminds us that _The Liverpool Evening Echo_ was, we fancy, the
+only paper in the country to announce a sensational victory for
+feminism, and we congratulate our contemporary on its _coup_. We refer
+to the following announcement:--"At a meeting of the Fellows of All
+Souls' College, Oxford, Mrs. Francis William Pember was elected Warden
+in place of the late Sir William Anson."
+
+       * * *
+
+The Hon. Sec. of the Fresh Air Fund appeals to ladies to send him their
+hair combings, every pound of which will provide a poor child with a day
+in the country. We like this idea of turning Old Hair into Fresh Air.
+
+       * * *
+
+The London General Omnibus Company is appointing one lady and a number
+of men to act as interpreters and guides. Their costumes, we should say,
+will attract a considerable amount of attention, for the lady, we are
+told, will wear a braided frock coat and black skirt and straw-topped
+peak hat, while the men will work in double shifts.
+
+       * * *
+
+By the way it is rumoured that several of our railway companies intend
+to follow the example of the L. G. O. C. and employ interpreters to
+translate to passengers the names of the railway stations as announced
+by porters and guards.
+
+       * * *
+
+At the recent meeting of the British Medical Association at Aberdeen a
+doctor advocated the eating of onions and garlic. This should certainly
+produce an uninhabited area in one's immediate neighbourhood, and so
+render one less liable to catch infectious diseases.
+
+       * * *
+
+"I know not," says Mr. ARNOLD BENNETT, "why I find an acrid pleasure in
+beholding mediocrity, the average, the everyday ordinary, as it is; but
+I do." Can it be, ARNOLD, because we are all attracted by our opposites?
+
+       * * *
+
+We are authorised to deny the allegation that Lord GLADSTONE, when he
+was booed upon his arrival at Waterloo from South Africa, remarked
+gaily, "Ah, I see I have not done with my friends the Booers yet!"
+
+       * * *
+
+It is nice to know in these days of lost reputations that Oriental
+hospitality, at any rate, shows no signs of decadence. A correspondent
+has come across the following announcement in a tailor's shop in
+Tokio:--"Respectable ladies and gentlemen may come here to have fits."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: "DO YER LOVE ME, 'ERB?"
+
+"LOVE YER, 'LIZA, I SHOULD JEST THINK I DOES. WHY, IF YER EVER GIVES ME
+UP I'LL MURDER YER! I CAN'T SAY MORE'N THAT, CAN I?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COMMERCIAL CANDOUR.
+
+    "The lasting delightful perfume of the age. One who can prove that
+    the perfume of _Otto Mohini_ is not lasting for four days by putting
+    five drops on the handkerchief will be rewarded Rs. 100 cash. Try
+    only small tube and get the reward."--_Advt. in "The Hitavada."_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Dr. Roux, head of the Pasteur Institute, has made a communication
+    to the Academy of Science showing microbes is not only possible, but
+    would be far better."
+
+    _Rangoon Gazette._
+
+But we don't quite see what the Academy can do about it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "MINIATURE & PORTRAIT PAINTING
+
+    MR. ALFRED PRAGA, R.B.A.,
+
+    President of the Society of Manicurists."
+
+    _Advt. in "The Studio."_
+
+We know an artist whose work gives us the impression that he might be
+President of the Society of Chiropodists.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Lord Provost Stevenson is proving a serious rival to Principal
+    MacAlister as a linguist. Sir Daniel yesterday addressed public
+    gatherings in English, Italian, and Spanish."
+
+    _Glasgow News._
+
+Now that he has mastered English, he must have a try at Scotch.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IMPERIAL CANDOUR.
+
+    "You are Germans. God help us."
+
+    Berlin Castle. _Signed "WILLIAM."_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PRO PATRIA.
+
+    England, in this great fight to which you go
+      Because, where Honour calls you, go you must,
+    Be glad, whatever comes, at least to know
+      You have your quarrel just.
+
+    Peace was your care; before the nations' bar
+      Her cause you pleaded and her ends you sought;
+    But not for her sake, being what you are,
+      Could you be bribed and bought.
+
+    Others may spurn the pledge of land to land,
+      May with the brute sword stain a gallant past;
+    But by the seal to which _you_ set your hand,
+      Thank God, you still stand fast!
+
+    Forth, then, to front that peril of the deep
+      With smiling lips and in your eyes the light,
+    Stedfast and confident, of those who keep
+      Their storied scutcheon bright.
+
+    And we, whose burden is to watch and wait--
+      High-hearted ever, strong in faith and prayer,
+    We ask what offering we may consecrate,
+      What humble service share?
+
+    To steel our souls against the lust of ease;
+      To find our welfare in the general good;
+    To hold together, merging all degrees
+      In one wide brotherhood;--
+
+    To teach that he who saves himself is lost;
+      To bear in silence though our hearts may bleed;
+    To spend ourselves, and never count the cost,
+      For others' greater need;--
+
+    To go our quiet ways, subdued and sane;
+      To hush all vulgar clamour of the street;
+    With level calm to face alike the strain
+      Of triumph or defeat;--
+
+    This be our part, for so we serve you best,
+      So best confirm their prowess and their pride,
+    Your warrior sons, to whom in this high test
+      Our fortunes we confide.
+
+    O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A DETERMINED ISLAND.
+
+Anything more peaceful than the outward aspect of the Isle of Wight, as
+I have seen it from Totland Bay during the past week, it would be
+impossible to conceive. For the most part the sun has been shining from
+a blue sky on a blue and brilliant sea; men, women and children have
+been swimming and splashing joyfully in a most mixed manner, and the
+whole landscape has had its usual holiday air. These, however, are
+deceptive appearances. We have felt and are feeling the imminence of
+war, and, though our judgments are firm and patriotic and prepared for
+sacrifice, our minds are clouded with a heavy anxiety. Our newspapers
+arrive at about 11 o'clock, and at that hour there is a concentrated
+rush to the book-shop. There we make our way through stacked volumes of
+cheap reprints to the counter where two ladies are struggling womanfully
+against the serried phalanx of purchasers. These two dive head-first from
+time to time into a great pile of the morning's news and emerge
+triumphantly with _The Times_ for Prospect House or _The Telegraph_ for
+Orville Lodge, and so on through the crowd of applicants until all are
+satisfied. This is the great event of our day. At the grocery stores on
+the opposite side of the road, news telegrams are shown on a board, and
+with these we eke out the knowledge of our fluctuating fate. Close by,
+too, is posted up a proclamation by the officer commanding the troops in
+the Island. He bids us not to walk too near a fort or to convey to any
+casual person such knowledge as we may have gained about the movements
+of troops, and we are commanded "to at once report" anything suspicious.
+I am sure the gallant officer will display as much vigour in the
+battering of his country's foes as he has shown in the splitting of the
+KING'S infinitives. Going for my newspaper this morning I saw at a
+distance an elderly gentleman of a serious aspect revolving steadily
+round and round a tall iron post. It was not until I came closer that I
+realised the meaning of his strange gyrations. The proclamation had been
+inconsiderately pasted round the post and he was endeavouring to read
+it.
+
+On Thursday last, nearly a week before the actual proclamation of war,
+the wildest rumours were afloat here. A motherly lady assured me with a
+smile that the German fleet might be expected at any moment. "The
+British fleet," she told me, "has been overwhelmed and sunk in the North
+Sea. The Germans have determined to capture the Isle of Wight, so we are
+none of us safe." I asked her where she had heard this dreadful news.
+"Oh, it's all over the village." Thereupon she moved calmly into a
+bathing cabin and had a patriotic dip. In another quarter I was told
+that the Island could not fail to be cut off, and awful things were
+prophesied as to what would happen to us unless we made our way to the
+mainland with the utmost promptitude. The supply of eggs was to run
+short; meat was to go up to famine prices or be reserved entirely for
+the soldiery, our intrepid defenders; bread was to become a luxury
+obtainable only by millionaires. All this was reported on the authority
+of a man who had it from another man who had it from a banker who was in
+close touch with the War Office in London. So far what is true is that
+steamers no longer come to Totland Bay, and anyone who wants to visit us
+here can get no nearer by boat than Yarmouth--not, of course, the home
+of the bloater, but our own little island Yarmouth, round the corner. In
+the meantime a good deal of patriotic self-denial is going on amongst
+the juvenile population. A friend of mine, aged seven, hearing the talk
+about all the coming privations, has decided to remove chocolates, buns
+and sponge-cakes from his dietary, and several young ladies have agreed
+to take milk instead of cream with their breakfast porridge.
+
+This morning we were brought face to face with the grimmest reality of
+war we have so far experienced. A boy-scout called at the house and
+produced an official paper asking for the names and addresses of any
+aliens who might be residing in the house. We have one such alien, a
+German maid for the children, a most unwarlike and inoffensive alien.
+Her name was entered on the form and the boy-scout disappeared to call
+at other houses. Since then, at intervals of about half-an-hour, other
+boy-scouts have called and produced similar forms. I have just dismissed
+a party of three, telling them that they seemed to be overlapping. They
+smiled and said, "Thank you," and retired. I look out of the window and
+behold two more approaching. They are doing the thing thoroughly.
+
+P.S.--Another notice is out warning us that it is known there are a lot
+of spies in the Island, and that we must not loiter near a fort lest we
+be shot. It is rumoured that soldiers are to be billeted on us
+(enthusiastic cheers from the younger members of the family).
+
+    R. C. L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Turnip, beef, carrots, and onions, if of suitable variety, would in
+    a favourable autumn yield fair-sized bulbs."--_Manchester Evening
+    News._
+
+_New Song._ "When father carved the bulb."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: BRAVO, BELGIUM!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VOLUMES.
+
+All books should be in one volume. I always thought so, but now I know.
+The reason why I know is because I possess two or three thousand books,
+and I have recently moved into a new house, and the books were at first
+put on the shelves indiscriminately as they came out of the packing
+cases. And how better spend a wet bank holiday than in arranging them
+properly--bringing parted couples together, adjusting involuntary
+divorces, reuniting the separated members of families and tribes?
+
+This is the merciful work on which Parolles and I have been engaged for
+too long. (I call her Parolles because she is so fond of words of which
+neither the meaning nor pronunciation has quite been mastered.) We meet
+each other all over the house with pathetic inquiries, "Have you seen
+Volume IV. of _Dumas' Memoirs_?" "No, but have you noticed Volume I. of
+_Fors Clavigera_?" It is like a game of "Families."
+
+The worst of the game is that one cannot concentrate. I may ascend the
+stairs bent wholly upon securing Volume III. of PROTHERO AND COLERIDGE'S
+_Byron_, and then chancing to observe Volume II. of INGPEN'S _Boswell_ I
+leap at it in ecstasy and, forgetting all about the noble misanthrope,
+hasten back with this prize and join it to its lonely mate.
+
+My _Dictionary of National Biography_, for all its fifty-eight volumes,
+not counting Supplements or Errata, was simple, on account of its size
+and unusual appearance. But what word can I find to express the
+annoyance and trouble given us by a small Pope in sheepskin? We roamed
+the house together--there are shelves in every room--striving to collect
+this family; but three of them are still on the loose. There is a
+Balzac, too, in a number of volumes not mentioned on any title-page and
+not numbered individually, so that time alone can tell whether that
+group is ever fully assembled. But as we placed them side by side we
+could almost hear them sigh after their long separation--though whether
+with satisfaction or annoyance who shall say? Volumes, may be, can get
+as tired of their companions as human beings can.
+
+During such an occupation as this a vast deal of time vanishes also in
+trying to remember where it was that I saw that copy of _Friendship's
+Garland_, so as to place it with the other Arnolds. Even more time goes
+in dipping into books which I had clean forgotten I possessed, such as
+_The Cricketers' Manual_, by "Bat," in which my eyes alighted upon this
+excellent story:
+
+"The Duchess de Berri, being present at a match between two clubs of
+Englishmen at Dieppe [in 1824], looked on very attentively for nearly
+three hours, then, turning to one of her attendants, said, '_Mais, quand
+est-ce que le jeu va commencer?_'" But the time which I have frittered
+away in this frivolity is as nothing compared with that wasted by
+Parolles, who has a way of subsiding upon the ground wherever she may
+happen to be and instantly becoming absorbed in the printed page. It is
+not as if she exercised any selective power, as I do. All books are the
+same to her in that they contain type on which the eye can fasten to the
+detriment of her labour. In every room I have stumbled over her long
+black legs as she thus abused her trust.
+
+And not only has she read more than I have, but she has become steadily
+dirtier than I, too; partly because of a native _flair_ for whatever
+makes smears and smudges, and partly because, her hair being long and
+falling on the page, owing to her crouched attitude when perusing, it
+has to be swept back, and each sweep leaves its mark. Considering how
+they set themselves up to be superior and instruct, books are curiously
+grubby things.
+
+And, as I said before, they should be in one volume.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _First Politician._ "SAY, BILL, WOT'S THIS BLOOMIN'
+MORTUARIUM THEY BE TARKIN' SO MUCH ABOUT?"
+
+_Second Politician._ "WELL, YE SEE, IT'S LIKE THIS. YOU DON'T PAY
+NOTHIN' TO NOBODY AND THE GOVERNMENT PAYS IT FOR YE."
+
+_First Politician._ "WELL, THAT SOUNDS A BIT OF ALL RIGHT, DOAN'T IT?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PROBLEM OF LIFE.
+
+The noise of the retreating sea came pleasantly to us from a distance.
+Celia was lying on her--I never know how to put this nicely--well, she
+was lying face downwards on a rock and gazing into a little pool which
+the tide had forgotten about and left behind. I sat beside her and
+annoyed a limpet. Three minutes ago I had taken it suddenly by surprise
+and with an Herculean effort moved it an eighteenth of a millimetre
+westwards. My silence since then was lulling it into a false security,
+and in another two minutes I hoped to get a move on it again.
+
+"Do you know," said Celia with a puzzled look on her face, "sometimes I
+think I'm quite an ordinary person after all."
+
+"You aren't a little bit," I said lazily; "you're just like nobody else
+in the world."
+
+"Well, of course, you had to say that."
+
+"No, I hadn't. Lots of husbands would merely have yawned." I felt one
+coming and stopped it just in time. Waiting for limpets to go to sleep
+is drowsy work. "But why are you so morbid about yourself suddenly?"
+
+"I don't know," she said. "Only every now and then I find myself
+thinking the most _obvious_ thoughts."
+
+"We all do," I answered, as I stroked my limpet gently. The noise of our
+conversation had roused it, but a gentle stroking motion (I am told by
+those to whom it has confided) will frequently cause its muscles to
+relax. "The great thing is not to speak them. Still, you'd better tell
+me now. What is it?"
+
+"Well," she said, her cheeks perhaps a little pinker than usual, "I was
+just thinking that life was very wonderful. But it's a _silly_ thing to
+say."
+
+"It's holiday time," I reminded her. "The necessity of sprinkling our
+remarks with thoughtful words like 'economic' and 'sporadic' is over for
+a bit. Let us be silly." I scratched in the rock the goal to which I was
+urging my limpet and took out my watch. "Three thirty-five. I shall get
+him there by four."
+
+Celia was gazing at two baby fishes who played in and out a bunch of
+sea-weed. Above the sea-weed an anemone sat fatly.
+
+"I suppose they're all just as much alive as we are," she said
+thoughtfully. "They marry"--I looked at my limpet with a new
+interest--"and bring up families and go about their business, and it all
+means just as much to them as it does to us."
+
+"My limpet's business affairs mean nothing to me," I said firmly. "I am
+only wrapped up in him as a sprinter."
+
+"Aren't you going to try to move him again?"
+
+"He's not quite ready yet. He still has his suspicions."
+
+Celia dropped into silence. Her next question showed that she had left
+the pool for a moment.
+
+"Are there any people in Mars?" she asked.
+
+"People down here say that there aren't. A man told me the other day
+that he knew this for a fact. On the other hand, people in Mars know for
+a fact that there isn't anybody on the Earth. Probably they are both
+wrong."
+
+"I should like to know a lot about things," sighed Celia. "Do you know
+anything about limpets?"
+
+"Only that they stick like billy-o."
+
+"I suppose more about them _is_ known than that?"
+
+"I suppose so. By people who have made a speciality of them. For one who
+has preferred to amass general knowledge rather than to specialize it is
+considered enough to know that they stick like billy-o."
+
+"You haven't specialized in anything, have you?"
+
+"Only in wives."
+
+Celia smiled and went on, "How do you make a speciality of limpets?"
+
+"Well, I suppose you--er--study them. You sit down and--and watch them.
+Probably after dark they get up and do something. And of course, in any
+case, you can always dissect one and see what he's had for breakfast.
+One way and another you get to know things about them."
+
+"They must have a lot of time for thinking," said Celia, regarding my
+limpet with her head on one side. "Tell me, how do they know that there
+are no men in Mars?"
+
+I sat up with a sigh.
+
+"Celia, you do dodge about so. I have barely brought together and
+classified my array of facts about things in this world, when you've
+dashed up to another one. What is the connection between Mars and
+limpets? If there are any limpets in Mars they are fresh-water ones. In
+the canals."
+
+"Oh, I just wondered," she said. "I mean"--she wrinkled her forehead in
+the effort to find words for her thoughts--"I'm wondering what
+everything means, and why we're all here, and what limpets are for, and,
+supposing there are people in Mars, if we're the real people whom the
+world was made for, or if _they_ are." She stopped and added, "One
+evening after dinner, when we get home, you must tell me all about
+_everything_."
+
+Celia has a beautiful idea that I can explain everything to her. I
+suppose I must have explained a stymie or a no-ball very cleverly once.
+
+"Well," I said, "I can tell you what limpets are for now. They're like
+sheep and cows and horses and pheasants and--and any other animal.
+They're just for _us_. At least so the wise people say."
+
+"But we don't eat limpets."
+
+"No, but they can amuse us. This one"--and with a sudden leap I was
+behind him as he dozed and I had dashed him forward another eighteenth
+of a millimetre--"this one has amused _me_."
+
+"Perhaps," said Celia thoughtfully and I don't think it was quite a nice
+thing for a young woman to say, "perhaps we're only meant to amuse the
+people in Mars."
+
+"Then," I said lazily, "let's hope they _are_ amused."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+But that was nearly three weeks ago. Ten days later war was declared.
+Celia has said no more on the subject since her one afternoon's unrest,
+but she looks at me curiously sometimes, and I fear that the problem of
+life leaves her more puzzled than ever. At the risk of betraying myself
+to her as "quite an ordinary person after all" I confess that just at
+the moment it leaves me puzzled too.
+
+A. A. M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCE.
+
+It was a seaside railway station, the arriving place of one of those
+health resorts where people flock in their millions to enjoy a little
+peace and quiet together. He, no doubt as a punishment for a misspent
+youth, was the station-master; she was one of those many kind ladies who
+come to meet their relatives and to make their arrival even more
+peaceful and quiet than such events usually are.
+
+"Was that the train from London?" she asked him.
+
+He temporized. "Have you asked a porter?" he enquired.
+
+She nodded.
+
+"And have you asked another porter?"
+
+She nodded again.
+
+"And then the foreman porter? And then a ticket collector? And then the
+inspector? And then a casual post-man? And then did you come across your
+original porter and try him again?"
+
+She admitted the list without a blush.
+
+"And now tell me all about your dear lost one--a weak, helpless man, no
+doubt?"
+
+"It was my husband," she explained.
+
+"A medium-sized man, in a macintosh and a straw hat, of course?"
+
+She acquiesced.
+
+"But none the less," continued the official, "a man of sterling worth?
+You do not think he can be in some lost property office _en route_,
+waiting to be called for?"
+
+The suggestion was an attractive one, but was rejected. "Then," he said,
+"let us go and discuss this intimate tragedy in some less public spot."
+
+He took her to his office and begged her to be seated. "Repose all
+confidence in me, Madam," he said, "for I am not without experience in
+husbands. Good fellows on the whole, with their gladstone bags and their
+pince-nez and their unmistakable respectability. But somehow they have
+not acquired the knack of arriving when they are expected. Yours is the
+seventh who has failed us by this train. True, the other six were coming
+from Liverpool, whereas the 6.30 has come from London, but that is no
+excuse for them or us."
+
+"My husband is coming from London," she asserted, searching in her
+reticule for documentary evidence.
+
+He looked out of the window, avoiding her eye. "In less than twenty
+minutes we have a nice fat competent train arriving partly from
+Birmingham, partly from Manchester, partly from Sheffield and partly
+from Birkenhead. There is even a dusty bit at the end which will have
+come all the way from Scotland, though why I cannot say. It will be
+simply full of husbands; you wouldn't care to try it, at any rate to let
+us show it you?"
+
+"But my husband," she repeated.
+
+"Is essentially a London man? Madam, we do not wish you to take any of
+these husbands we shall show you if they do not suit your requirements;
+but do let us show them you."
+
+"I know that my husband is coming from London," she persisted.
+
+"Believe me, Madam," he protested, "I should not accuse you of being
+mistaken, even if your husband should prove to be in this train I
+recommend. He might have deceived you."
+
+She refused to budge. "My husband's postcard says he is coming in the
+6.30 train from London. The train has come and he is not in it."
+
+The station-master asked to be allowed to see the postcard, not, he
+explained, because he didn't believe her, but because he would like to
+have his worst suspicions of his Company's inefficiency confirmed.
+
+She handed it to him. He read the announcement, made briefly and without
+enthusiasm, of the husband's proposed arrival "by the 6.30 train
+to-morrow." The woman smiled with triumph; the station-master referred
+to the postmark. He did not smile triumphantly. He was too old a hand
+for that.
+
+"Will you allow me to intercede as a friend for all parties?" he asked.
+"Give him and us another chance; go away now and give us all twenty-four
+hours to think it over. Then call again, and, if your patience is
+rewarded, be generous and forgive us all."
+
+After some debate she was induced to see reason in the proposal and
+consented to take the lenient course. She rose to go.
+
+"And if," said the station-master, showing her out, "if a train should
+arrive at 6.30 from London to-morrow and disgorge this husband of yours,
+won't you do us all a little kindness? Won't you make a point of telling
+the porter, all the porters, foremen porters, ticket collectors,
+inspectors, casual postmen and even myself? You have no idea what a
+change it would be for us to hear a lady saying, 'My husband ought to
+have come by this train, and he has!'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: FINANCIAL STRINGENCY AT THE SEASIDE; A GOOD PENNYWORTH.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR LOYAL STATUARY.
+
+    "An attempt was made by the fountain in Piccadilly Circus to head a
+    procession for Buckingham Palace to pay homage to King
+    George."--_Daily Mail._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER SMART ARREST BY THE POLICE.
+
+    "Sergt. ---- found Mrs. ---- sitting in a pool of blood in a
+    semi-conscious condition. The flow of blood was arrested, and a
+    doctor summoned."--_Northern Echo._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR MUSICAL CORRESPONDENCE COLUMN.
+
+(_With acknowledgments to "The Musical Herald."_)
+
+_I THINK I am a tenor, but after taking lessons continuously for six
+years from sixteen different masters I am still in doubt, and what is
+more, I am not quite certain whether I want to be. Did not somebody once
+say that a tenor was not a man but a disease? I am a healthy normal
+subject, and recently won the lawn-tennis singles at our local
+tournament. What puzzles me is my upper register. After reaching the top
+A, if I relax the wind pressure and slant the voice in a slightly
+backward direction towards the nasal cavities, I can produce a full rich
+B flat, or even C, with the greatest ease. My family do not like it, but
+family criticism is seldom satisfactory. Can you tell me whether this is
+a legitimate use of my vocal resources or not; also, whether the
+resinous quality of my voice is likely to be affected by my wearing
+stand-up collars of more than 2-1/2 inches in height? I have read
+somewhere that starched linen is a bad conductor of sound._--MARIO
+JUNIOR.
+
+ANSWER.--It is hard to tell whether you are a tenor or a forced-up
+baritone without hearing or seeing you. Tenors are generally short,
+stubby men with brief necks, while baritones are for the most part tall,
+spare and long-necked. It was HANS VON BÜLOW who said that a tenor was a
+disease, but he was a pianist and a conductor. Do not "grouse" if you
+can sing tenor parts and yet retain the volume and virility of a
+baritone. JEAN DE RESZKE began as a baritone and is said to have earned
+£20,000 a year. The nasal tone that you speak of, when it approximates
+to the whinnying of a horse or, better still, the trumpeting of an
+infuriated rogue elephant, is a most valuable asset, but should be used
+with moderation in the family circle. Do not say "resinous"; "resonant"
+is probably the word you mean. High stand-up collars are certainly to be
+avoided, as they constrict the Adam's apple and muffle the tone of the
+voice. A soft turn-down collar, such as those supplied by Pope Bros., is
+greatly to be preferred and imparts a romantic and semi-Byronic
+appearance highly desirable in an artist.
+
+_I am a railway porter with a good bass voice, and having read that the
+great Russian singer who has been appearing at Drury Lane began life in
+that position and is now paid at the rate of £400 a night, I am anxious
+to follow his example, if I can obtain adequate guarantees of
+success._--CLAPHAM JUNCTION.
+
+ANSWER.--It is always dangerous to generalise from exceptional
+individual cases. Are you over six feet high, and have you corn-coloured
+hair and blue yes, like CHALIAPINE? Again, Russian railway porters are
+in the habit of shouting the names of stations, not only in a loud
+voice, but with scrupulously clear articulation. Do not rashly abandon
+your career on the railway on the off-chance of a vocal Bonanza.
+Remember the words of the poet:--
+
+    O, ever since the world began,
+    There never was and never can
+    Be such a very useful man
+      As the railway porter!
+
+_My voice is of good compass and volume, but it is lacking in the "rich
+fruity tone" which, according to popular novelists, is indispensable to
+the exertion of a magnetic influence on the hearer. Is it possible by
+diet to remedy this deficiency?_--CONTRALTO.
+
+ANSWER.--The use of an emollient diet is recommended by some authorities
+with a view to improving and enriching vocal tone. You might try a
+course of Carlsbad plums, Devonshire cream, and peach-fed Colorado ham.
+But it is easy to overdo the plummy tone, which is apt to become
+cloying.
+
+_Kindly explain the following terms taken from an article on SCRIABINE
+which recently appeared in a leading daily paper: Psychical
+conjunctivitis; Katzenjammer; Cephaloedematous; Hokusai; Asininity. What
+is the difference between the portamento and "scooping"? Why do opera
+singers show such a marked tendency to embonpoint? Am I wrong in
+preferring the cornet to any other wind instrument?_--ANXIOUS ASPIRANT.
+
+ANSWER.--This is not a general information bureau, but we will do our
+best. (1) Conjunctivitis is properly a disease of the eyes; "psychical
+conjunctivitis" would be a sort of mental squint. "Katzenjammer" is the
+German for "hot coppers." "Cephaloedematous" is not in the New Oxford
+Dictionary, but apparently applies to a sufferer from swelled head.
+HOKUSAI was a Japanese artist, and "asininity" is the special quality of
+the writer of the article from which you have taken these words. (2)
+"Scooping" is the vulgarisation of the portamento, (3) Operatic singers
+grow stout because they drink stout; also because much singing
+tends to expand the larynx, pharynx and thorax, as well as the
+basilico-thaumaturgic cavities of the medulla oblongata. (4) There is
+nothing criminal in preferring the cornet to any other wind instrument.
+Many pious people prefer MARIE CORELLI to MILTON.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE DOUBLE LIFE.
+
+When Araminta said that I must speak to the man next door about his
+black cat, I was greatly perturbed. It appeared that the animal had
+acquired the habit of spending the night in our house, and that Harriet
+didn't like it. I said that black cats brought good luck, and, anyhow,
+by night all cats were grey. Araminta replied that this one was as black
+as a bilberry and took fish. Walking out into the garden I began to
+meditate deeply.
+
+Perhaps you do not immediately grasp what a terrible and dangerous thing
+it was that Araminta had requested me to do. Between next door
+neighbours in the area of Greater London there subsist relations of an
+infinite delicacy. They resemble the bloom upon a peach. They combine a
+sense of mutual confidence and esteem with absolute determination not to
+let it get any further. Mr. Trumpington (Harriet vouched for his name)
+and myself were certainly acquainted. In a sense you may even say we
+were friends. If I happened to be murdered or assaulted by a footpad
+there was not the smallest reason to suppose that Mr. Trumpington would
+refrain from giving the police every assistance in identifying the
+criminal. Similarly, if Mr. Trumpington's house caught fire, it was
+certain that I should be one of the first to offer him the loan of our
+garden syringe.
+
+As things were, what happened was this. Twice or thrice a week we nodded
+pleasantly to each other over the wall that divided our demesnes,
+through the interstices of our respective hollyhocks; once, only once,
+in a mad burst of irresponsible gaiety, Mr. Trumpington had gone so far
+as to murmur, "Good aft-" to me, and I had responded effusively,
+"-ernoon."
+
+And now all this atmosphere of quiet sociableness was about to be
+destroyed through the paltry misdemeanours of a subfuse cat. For I had
+not the smallest doubt as to what would happen. Mr. Trumpington was a
+mild amiable-looking man. There was not the faintest prospect of his
+flying into a rage. He would not say, "What right have you to interfere
+with the private affairs of another man's domesticated fauna?" He would
+not ask me why I had inveigled his beautiful black cat on to my
+poisonous premises. No, we should talk together reasonably, amicably,
+and as man to man. Mr. Trumpington would promise to do all he could to
+give his cat pleasant, cheerful evenings at home, and I should agree
+that it was very hard to prevent a young cat from wanting to see a bit
+of life. "Cats," we should say, nodding our heads wisely, "will be
+cats."
+
+And then from cats we should pass on to dogs, to sport, to politics, to
+business, to heaven knows what. And the next day we should be compelled
+to pick up our conversation where we had dropped it. We should discuss
+our gardens and our family affairs. Things would go from bad to worse.
+All our privacy and peace would disappear. We might almost as well break
+down the wall that divided us at once. Possibly (thought of horror) his
+wife would call on Araminta....
+
+Still pondering ruefully, I turned round at the bottom of the garden
+path, and behold, sitting on the party-wall between Mr. Trumpington's
+garden and mine, was the debateable cat. An impulse of murderous rage
+possessed me. I took an old golf-ball from my pocket and hurled it as
+hard as I could at the potential destroyer of my peace. The black cat
+was no sportsman. It dodged, and disappeared hastily on the Trumpington
+side. At the same moment from behind a large clump of hollyhocks I heard
+the sudden cry of a strong man in pain, followed by a stilled oath. I
+squatted down instantly behind a thick rosebush; then, rising to peer
+cautiously, I saw a most painful sight. I saw the horrible
+transformation which may be caused in the features of an ordinary and
+amiable man by an access of sudden rage and the impact of a brambled
+golf-ball on the end of the nose. I squatted again.
+
+"Confound the infernal fool! Who did that?" said the face of Mr.
+Trumpington, looking through the hollyhock peepholes, the buds of which
+rapidly began to turn from a lightish pink to deep rose.
+
+It is always a more dignified policy to ignore a man in a temper, so it
+was not until about ten minutes had elapsed, and silence reigned, that I
+crawled painfully away into safety.
+
+About five minutes later a note was brought round by hand from next
+door. It ran as follows:--
+
+"Mr. Trumpington will feel greatly obliged if Mr. Brown will prevent his
+black cat from constantly straying upon his, Mr. Trumpington's,
+flower-beds. He also requests that when Mr. Brown wishes to persecute
+his black cat he should not do so when the animal is sitting on Mr.
+Trumpington's wall, as this practice is attended with considerable risk
+to Mr. Trumpington's life and limbs."
+
+I sat down and wrote a reply.
+
+"Mr. Brown," I said, "greatly regrets that a golf-ball playfully thrown
+at Mr. Trumpington's black cat whilst sitting on his, Mr. Brown's, wall,
+should have caused annoyance to Mr. Trumpington."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When I went out into the garden on the following day I could see Mr.
+Trumpington's head, tastefully framed in pink hollyhock buds, apparently
+following the spoor of a green-fly. He looked up almost at once and
+caught my eye, but made no sign of recognition. I breathed a sigh of
+relief. Thank heaven, I thought to myself, the worst has not happened.
+The danger that I feared yesterday has blown over. There is no immediate
+prospect of Mr. Trumpington and myself becoming boon companions. I
+strolled a little further down the path, and, still occupying its old
+strategic position on the party-wall and licking its fur in the sun, I
+beheld the black cat.
+
+As I approached him he smiled an ambiguous smile, and jumped down once
+more upon Trumpington soil. A wave of great friendliness for the unhappy
+quadruped swept over me. "Persecute," I thought; "not likely." I went
+indoors and, after a short consultation with Harriet, came out again
+carrying a small round fish-cake on a spoon. I lobbed it far and wide
+over the wall, and it fell noiselessly and quite in the middle of Mr.
+Trumpington's most buttony calceolaria-bed. Some time later I was
+rewarded by the sight of a black cat stealing with a look of grateful
+memory on its face towards the Trumpington back-door.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: Customer. "BUT THAT'S A FEARFUL PRICE FOR SHRIMP-PASTE."
+
+Grocer. "AH, BUT THESE ARE NORTH SEA SHRIMPS, MADAM."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: "I'D GIVE THE GERMAN EMPEROR WOT; I WOULD, STRAIGHT. I'D
+PULL EVERY FEAVER AHT OF 'IS 'ELMET."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE RESTORATIVE POWER OF MUSIC.
+
+My house, though in the eyes of the rate-collector fully occupied, has
+now for several weeks stood with an unmistakably vacant stare. My cook
+alone, with a young lady friend for company, dwells there. What our
+great ballad-writers call the patter of tiny feet is stilled. The
+seaside has demanded its toll, and I have for a time accompanied the
+evacuating host.
+
+The other day, for a brief space, I returned home--a home which at the
+first glance seemed to be as I had left it. But as I approached I was
+confronted with a change. The gate, which in normal times used to swing
+shakily on its hinges and keep on chattering against its post (in the
+vain effort to shut) whenever the wind was in its teeth, now leaned
+against an adjacent bush in listless inaction. One of its hinges had
+been broken. I learned the details of the tragedy from the gardener.
+
+It was one of them I-talians, I gathered. Seeing, with the
+nice instinct of their race, that my house must be the abode of
+music-lovers--detecting this from various subtle signs invisible to
+me--they had drored their horgan through the gateway and up the grand
+carriage sweep which, leading to the handsome portico entrance, is one
+of the outstanding features of all that well-situated and desirable
+double-fronted brick and carved stone residential property which
+recently I was wise enough to acquire for a mere song. Well, these
+I-talians had drored their instrument up the drive and played to the
+front door for ton minutes. The cook and her friend, I learned
+afterwards, heard them and, being satisfied to enjoy the entertainment
+without payment, had remained out of sight. For ten minutes they played,
+the man turning the handle, his wife smiling and bowing to the windows.
+Then, in the fine frenzy known to all great artists who are
+unrecognised, they drored it down again to the gate. The fine frenzy was
+proved by the fury with which the woman flung wide the portal that the
+horgan might be drored out. She flung it back too far, and the hinge, a
+soulless thing of cast-iron, snapped.
+
+The gardener--no musician--who had happened to see them arrive, and,
+anticipating trouble, had been watching unperceived, hurried to the
+scene of the catastrophe.
+
+"I knowed they was a-goin' to do it," he said, "the 'inge bein' in a bad
+way already. It's lucky there was a policeman 'andy. I said you'd 'ave
+the law of 'em."
+
+"But I don't want the law of them," I protested.
+
+"Well, they're going to pay for a new 'inge any'ow."
+
+"Rather hard luck on them, isn't it? I can't make them do that."
+
+"Don't you worry your 'ead, Sir," said the gardener. "It don't come out
+of their pocket. All these I-talians is run by one man. Millionaire, so
+they tells me. Any'ow, it's settled now."
+
+"Well, perhaps it'll teach them to be more careful."
+
+"I 'ope not, Sir," said the gardener. "'Ave another one or two of 'em in
+'ere, and we'll get the gate so as it won't bang."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SCIENCE FOR THE YOUNG.
+
+"Aunt Phemie" in _The Globe_:--
+
+    "A hen is a bird and not an animal."
+
+This official statement will come as a great surprise to all our
+feathered friends.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "He no longer on his return would proclaim to his brother that he
+    had beaten old Major Waggett (his especial foe) by two up and three
+    to play."--_Methuen's Annual._
+
+And why not? Because his brother had just bought a shilling book called
+"Golf for the Beginner." However, he could still tell his Aunt Lavinia,
+who knew no better.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: FOR FRIENDSHIP AND HONOUR.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+(EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.)
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, Aug. 3._
+
+--When EDWARD GREY stood at Table to make momentous statement on
+position of Great Britain confronted by spectacle of Europe in arms, he
+faced a memorable scene. House crowded from floor to topmost range of
+Strangers' Gallery. LANSDOWNE, "BOBS," GEORGE CURZON and other Peers
+looked on and listened. Amongst them LORD CHIEF JUSTICE for first time
+obtained view of House from novel point of vantage.
+
+Owing to spread of complications, supply of Ambassadors accustomed to
+repair to Diplomatic Gallery restricted. No room for Germany to-day.
+Absent, too, the popular figure of Austro-Hungarian Ambassador, familiar
+these many years in London Society. Russia, Spain, Sweden and Greece
+were there in the persons of their representatives; and Belgium,
+conscious that words about to be uttered were big with her fate.
+
+The sight they looked down upon was strange and moving. Setting of scene
+worthy of drama which finds no full parallel in world's history. Keen
+eyes accustomed to study potentialities of nations discerned in the
+gathering a new portentous fact. A week ago to-day political parties in
+House of Commons preserved customary attitude of hostility. Across the
+floor they snapped at each other distrust and dislike. Long-brooding
+revolt of armed forces in Ireland had leaped into flame. Mob and
+military had come to blows. Victims of the affray lay dead in the
+streets of Dublin. In the House rancour between Unionists and Home
+Rulers increasingly bitter.
+
+Here was opportunity for loyal and trusted friend on the Continent to
+play long-planned game. England's difficulty was Germany's opportunity.
+Swiftly, unscrupulously, taken advantage of.
+
+Foreign Representatives to-day beheld a startling transformation. Party
+lines obliterated. LEADER OF THE OPPOSITION, whose conduct throughout
+crisis has been splendidly patriotic, rallied his forces to the side of
+Ministers.
+
+"Whatever steps they think it necessary to take for the honour and
+security of this country," he said amid burst of general cheering, "they
+can rely upon the unhesitating support of the Opposition."
+
+This attitude, in full accordance with highest tradition of British
+Party politics, not unexpected. Glad surprise followed when JOHN REDMOND
+assured the Government they might forthwith withdraw from Ireland every
+man of their troops.
+
+"The coasts of Ireland," he added, "will be defended from foreign
+invasion by our armed sons. For this purpose Nationalist Catholics in
+the South will be only too glad to join hands with armed Protestant
+Ulstermen in the North."
+
+Illustration: IN A JUST CAUSE. (Sir EDWARD GREY.)
+
+"The last time I saw rows of chairs brought in and set down on floor of
+the House for convenience of Members who could not find room elsewhere,"
+mused the MEMBER FOR SARK, looking on from one of the side galleries,
+"was in 1886, when GLADSTONE introduced his first Home Rule Bill. Twelve
+months earlier, under guidance of Land League, Ireland was in a parlous
+state. Coercion Act in full force. Jails thronged with patriots
+convicted under its rigorous clauses. Still there were left at liberty
+enough to maim cattle and shoot at landlords. If Germany had happened to
+step in at that epoch it would have been a perilous time for England.
+The House of Commons after many years' hesitation has offered to bestow
+Home Rule upon Ireland and this is Ireland's first articulate response.
+Her Nationalists range themselves with Ulster by the side of Great
+Britain threatened by a foreign foe."
+
+_Business done._--FOREIGN SECRETARY, amid prolonged cheers, announces
+that England means to stand by France in the coming war, and will fulfil
+her Treaty obligations to Belgium.
+
+_Tuesday._--Rising from Treasury Bench PREMIER walked down House as if
+he were about to leave it by glass door. Reaching the Bar he halted and
+turned about to face crowded benches watching him with quickened
+anxiety. Grave events have within the last few days made him the Herald
+of War. What might be this new missive he held in his hand?
+
+"A message from HIS MAJESTY," he said, "signed by his own hand."
+
+Advancing to Table he handed document to the Clerk who passed it on to
+SPEAKER. All heads were bared as Message was read. It announced that
+Proclamation would forthwith issue mobilising the Regular Army and
+embodying Territorial Forces.
+
+This the significant supplement to statement made by PREMIER immediately
+on SPEAKER taking the Chair. It told how telegram had that morning been
+sent to German Government demanding assurance of maintenance of Belgian
+neutrality.
+
+"We have asked," said the PREMIER as quietly as if he were mentioning
+request for early reply to a dinner invitation, "that a satisfactory
+answer shall be given before midnight."
+
+House knew what that meant. On the stroke of midnight Great Britain and
+Germany would be at war.
+
+A cheer almost fierce in its intensity approved the epoch-making
+challenge. The House knew that England's hands were clean; that she was
+spotlessly free from responsibility for the slaughter and sorrow, the
+destruction of prosperous cities, the devastation of fruitful lands, the
+breaking-up of Empires, that might follow on Germany's final
+jack-booting of the emissary of peace.
+
+Since the danger-signal was flung out by thrusting to the front the
+puppet figure of aged AUSTRIAN EMPEROR making ponderous attack on little
+Servia, EDWARD GREY, representing a Ministry supported by a loyal
+Parliament and a united Kingdom, has night and day been tireless in
+effort to avert war. If yielded to, such interference would be fatal to
+plans, diligently elaborated in the dark over a period of months,
+probably a full year, by our old friend and frequent guest, the GERMAN
+EMPEROR.
+
+Accordingly, after maintaining till last moment favourite disguise of
+peacemaker "on easy terms with Heaven," WILLIAM, innocent sufferer by
+"the menace of France," throws aside the cloak.
+
+House of Commons' immediate response was to pass in five minutes all
+outstanding votes for Army, Navy and Civil Services amounting to
+£104,642,055.
+
+_Business done._--PREMIER announces dispatch of ultimatum to Berlin and
+imperative demand for answer before midnight.
+
+_Wednesday._--Benches less crowded than hitherto during week of
+tumultuous interest. Explanation forthcoming in fact that something like
+a hundred Members belonging to Territorial Service have buckled on their
+armour and responded to call of mobilisation.
+
+PREMIER'S announcement that "since eleven o'clock last night a state of
+war has existed between Germany and ourselves" hailed with deep-throated
+cheer. Its volume nothing compared with that which burst forth when he
+concluded statement with casual remark that to-morrow he will move a
+Vote of Credit for one hundred millions sterling. Had he mentioned the
+sum as an instalment paid in advance by Germany on account of war
+indemnity House couldn't have been more jubilant.
+
+BYLES of Bradford uneasy in regard to Bill introduced by HOME SECRETARY
+authorising imposition of restrictions upon aliens in time of war or
+great emergency. Thinks it might cause inconvenience to worthy persons.
+Otherwise Government receive unanimous support for various legislative
+proposals rendered necessary by state of war.
+
+CHANCELLOR OF EXCHEQUER reports conclusions arrived at in conference of
+leading bankers and manufacturers met at the Treasury to consider best
+way of grappling with unprecedented financial situation created by
+events of past fortnight. Happy thought to include in invitation his
+predecessor at the Treasury. In accordance with patriotic spirit
+obliterating party animosity, SON AUSTEN promptly accepted invitation.
+Gives valuable assistance to LLOYD GEORGE in recommending proposals to
+appreciative House.
+
+In short, whatever may be happening in Belgium or the North Sea,
+Millennium reigns at Westminster.
+
+_Business done._--Many Bills advanced by various stages.
+
+_Thursday._--In moving Vote of Credit for one hundred million sterling
+PREMIER wholesomely lets himself go in comment on the "infamous
+proposal" of Germany that for a mess of pottage (extremely thin) England
+should betray her ally, France. Crowded House loudly sympathised with
+righteous indignation.
+
+Fresh burst of cheering when he pays finely phrased tribute to EDWARD
+GREY, as the "Peacemaker of Europe."
+
+Captain Lord DALRYMPLE of the Scots Guards lends opportune gleam of
+martial splendour to bench where he sits arrayed in khaki uniform that
+has seen service in the Boer War. The PREMIER'S eye catching a glimpse
+of it, he with great presence of mind asked for authority to strengthen
+the army by an additional half-million of men.
+
+In its present mood the House denies him nothing.
+
+_Business done._--Vote of Credit for £100,000,000 granted with both
+hands.
+
+_Monday, Aug. 10._--House adjourned till Tuesday the 25th.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: "ONE TOUCH OF POTSDAM...."
+
+Sir EDWARD CARSON. "A marvellous diplomatist, this German KAISER."
+
+Mr. JOHN REDMOND. "Yes, he's made comrades of us when everybody else had
+failed."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Mad Dog of Europe.
+
+    "The dog, to serve some private ends,
+    Went mad and bit the man.
+
+       * * *
+
+    The man recovered from the bite;
+    The dog it was that died."
+
+    _GOLDSMITH._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"SCHOOL PLAYGROUNDS.
+
+THE PROPOSAL TO DECREASE THEIR SIZE TO THE EDITOR Of 'THE TIMES.'"
+
+    _The Times._
+
+And to increase it, we hope, to Mr. CHESTERTON.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH'S HOLIDAY STORIES.
+
+(_Constructed after the best models._)
+
+I.--AN ALPINE ADVENTURE.
+
+(Concluded.)
+
+[_SYNOPSIS OF PRECEDING INSTALMENT_:--_Ralph Wonderson, the famous
+athlete, while on a mountaineering expedition in Switzerland, encounters
+Lady Margaret Tamerton, whom he has not seen since childhood. With her
+are her brother, Lord Tamerton; her cousin, Sir Ernest Scrivener; and
+three Swiss guides. They combine to make an ascent of the Wetterhorn
+under Ralph's leadership. Early in the climb Ralph discovers that Sir
+Ernest Scrivener is none other than his own mortal foe, Marmaduke
+Moorsdyke. A perilous traverse of a glacier has to be undertaken. All
+cross in safety except Sir Ernest, who makes imprudent remark which
+causes a line of overhanging_ séracs _to collapse upon him and sweep him
+down the glacier. Ralph dives unhesitatingly to the rescue of his
+deadliest foe._]
+
+Rather than face a second traverse of the awful glacier the remaining
+members of the party continued the ascent. With shaken nerves they
+pressed on to the best of their ability, but it was nearly dark when
+they at length reached the summit, hoping to find another and easier
+route to the foot.
+
+But luck was against them. A devastating blizzard enveloped them, and
+they lay huddled together behind a rock, chilled to the bone by the
+driving particles of ice and snow.
+
+"There is no escape," said Lord Tamerton mournfully to his sister, Lady
+Margaret. "We must prepare to meet our deaths like true mountaineers."
+
+"True fiddlesticks!" replied Lady Margaret with spirit. "Ralph will come
+back to us."
+
+"Do you love him, Madge?" asked her brother.
+
+"Yes," she replied simply.
+
+"Then he will surely come back."
+
+Even as he spoke a tall figure loomed out of the blizzard and raised his
+hat with cold formality.
+
+"Your cousin is safe in the hospital at Interlaken," said Ralph,
+addressing Lord Tamerton with marked constraint. "He has merely
+sustained a fractured patella. With your permission we will now
+descend."
+
+"What is the matter, Ralph?" cried Lady Margaret pleadingly; but,
+ignoring her question, he busied himself in tying on the rope.
+
+The descent which followed is still spoken of with bated breath by the
+Swiss guides, than whom there is no more generous body of men in the
+world.
+
+Unerringly Ralph led his companions through arêtes, glissades,
+bergschrunds, rücksacs, gendarmes, vorwaerts, couloirs, aiguilles, never
+hesitating, never flinching from any obstacle, heedless, it seemed,
+alike of the raging blizzard and the ever-thickening darkness. At times
+he was obliged to carry the others one by one along razor edges of hard
+blue ice. At times he would cling precariously by one hand to a
+projecting splinter of rock, while with the other he lowered them all
+bodily into the depths of a crevasse, gripping his ice-axe meanwhile
+steadfastly between his teeth. Once at least he was compelled to hang
+downwards by his toes while he hewed steps beneath him in a
+perpendicular wall of ice. And through it all his face retained its
+stern impassivity and he addressed no word to his exhausted companions.
+
+At length the most wonderful feat in the history of climbing was
+finished, and the party, weary but thankful, stood at the foot of the
+mountain.
+
+The three guides fell on their knees before their rescuer, but he
+ignored them and turned his cold, hard gaze upon Lady Margaret.
+
+"You are now safe," he said icily. "My presence is no longer necessary.
+Take the third turning on the left, the second on the right and the
+fifth on the left, and then ask again. Before I leave I ought perhaps to
+congratulate you upon your approaching marriage to your--er--amiable
+cousin;" and without waiting for a reply he was gone.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Alone, Ralph Wonderson sat upon a rock and reflected that no food had
+passed his lips since that hurried breakfast in the Fahrjoch Hut.
+Wearily he drew out a packet of sandwiches from his pocket.
+
+A moment later he was racing back to his former companions. In his day
+he had been half-mile champion, but now he knocked a full minute off his
+previous best time.
+
+He found the others as he had left them. Lady Margaret looked up with a
+glad cry as he flew round the corner.
+
+"Madge," he cried, waving the piece of newspaper which had been wrapped
+round his sandwiches,--"Madge, you _can't_ marry him!"
+
+Lord Tamerton leaped forward with a white face. "What do you mean?" he
+hissed. "You are mad. She _must_ marry him, or the family is ruined."
+
+"She _can't_ marry him," repeated Ralph calmly. "Sir Ernest Scrivener
+_alias_ Marmaduke Moorsdyke is married already! Read this."
+
+And he thrust the fragment of newspaper into Lord Tamerton's hand.
+
+With a low cry of content Lady Margaret fell into her lover's arms. "Oh,
+my dear!" she murmured.
+
+And as they stood clasped in a close embrace the clouds parted and far,
+far above them appeared the beautiful white summit of the Wetterhorn
+shining dazzlingly in the sunlight.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: "BUSINESS AS USUAL DURING ALTERATIONS."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SPIT FOR SPAT.
+
+Orator, in Hyde Park:--
+
+    "An' when the German Ambassador left St. Petersburg 'e spat in the
+    Russian Ambassador's face. An' the Russian Ambassador in Berlin 'e
+    spat in the German Ambassador's face."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN ORDER OF MERIT?
+
+    "Full reports of the Petersfield Gymkhana, Eastmeon Show, and
+    Liphook Horticultural Exhibition and Sports, will be published in
+    to-morrow's issue of the 'Hampshire Telegraph and Post,' which will
+    contain also a complete record of news of the Great European
+    War."--_Portsmouth Evening News._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The following letter was addressed to a Hong Kong chaplain by his
+orderly:--
+
+    "Pleas sur excuse me this morning for I ham sitting for my examining
+    asion at the peak schools for my certificate sur and I will be down
+    as soon as possible sur to deliver the letters sur And if I ant
+    there before you go away sur put the keys under the steeps sur."
+
+We feel confident he passed all right.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ON ACTIVE SERVICE.
+
+Every August Bank Holiday we have a short Mixed Open Tournament at our
+lawn-tennis club. It's quite a small, homely affair, but as our
+President, Sir Benjamin Boogles, always offers two valuable prizes
+(hall-marked), every member who can possibly enter does so. Each year
+hitherto the Tournament has been finished in the one day; but this year
+it is not finished yet--in fact, in one instance the first game of the
+first set is still undecided, and the winners in the other sets are
+anxiously awaiting the result in order that the second round may proceed
+before the end of the season. As I am one of the actors--I might almost
+say the protagonist--in this protracted drama, I will explain the
+position.
+
+Wilbrooke, our crack player, who can easily give most of us forty and a
+bonus of five games in the set, and still beat us, recently became
+engaged to Pattie Blobson, who is a hopeless rabbit at the game, this
+being her first season. Not unnaturally she insisted on his entering the
+Tournament with her. I always enter with Joan, and though we are neither
+of us exactly rabbits it would be rather hard to find a zoological term
+that would fittingly describe our standard of play. Of course there is
+no handicapping in "Opens," and Joan and I usually reckon to be knocked
+out in the second round at latest, though we did once get into the third
+round owing to one of our opponents, a doctor, being summoned to a case
+in the middle of play.
+
+Now this year we both thought our tennis would be over for the day after
+the first quarter of an hour, as we were drawn to play our first round
+against Wilbrooke and Pattie. However, I won the toss, and to that fact
+the subsequent _impasse_ may be attributed. I elected to serve first,
+leaving Wilbrooke the choice of sides. The sun was not shining, so there
+was little in it from the point of view of light; but the east end of
+the court is just a trifle higher than the other, so he chose that.
+
+I served first, and though I never peg them in to rabbits, I felt
+justified in sending down a medium-paced ball in my partner's interests.
+It pitched correctly, broke (unintentionally) and buried itself in
+Pattie's skirt.
+
+Fifteen-love.
+
+I banged my first ball to Wilbrooke with all my might. It fell within
+the Club precincts, but that's the best I can urge for it. My second was
+an easy lob, which he smashed, and, in spite of my efforts to give it a
+clear path, it caught me in the small of the back.
+
+Fifteen-all.
+
+My next serve to Pattie was a fault, which I followed up with an
+ordinary "donkey" drop, towards which she rushed in the impetuous
+fashion characteristic of the genuine rabbit, with the result that it
+bounced scathless over her head.
+
+Thirty-fifteen.
+
+I then got a fast ball over to Wilbrooke, but returning it was child's
+play to him, and he drove it like lightning down the centre-line before
+I had time to call "Leave it to you, partner."
+
+Thirty-all.
+
+Again I served Pattie a fault. At the second attempt the ball performed
+Blondin tricks on the wire of the net, and for one of those "moments big
+as years" I feared we had lost the game, the service to Wilbrooke being
+a mere formality; but fortunately the ball fell the other side of the
+net, and my third delivery Pattie tipped to the wicket-keeper.
+
+Forty-thirty.
+
+I now determined to send two--if necessary--fast ones to Wilbrooke on
+the chance that one might shoot and be unplayable. But my first ball
+went into the net, and the _locale_ of the second can only be dimly
+surmised, for it went over the fence into the open country.
+
+Deuce.
+
+It was at this point that I began to realize that so long as I did not
+serve a double-fault to Pattie, Wilbrooke could never win the game, and
+when we had played nine more deuces I communicated the intelligence to
+Joan. Meanwhile, the other sets had all finished, and the players came
+up to see why we were still hard at it. At the twenty-fourth deuce the
+Tournament secretary remarked: "Last game, I suppose? Hurry up, we can't
+get on." I explained to him that this was only the first game of the
+set, and that similar prolongations were likely to recur when my partner
+served in the third game and I again in the fifth.
+
+The news spread rapidly, and for a time we were the most unpopular
+quartet in the Club; but by the time we had reached our eighty-third
+deuce, and luncheon (the gift of Lady Boggles) was served, hunger and
+anger began to abate simultaneously, and the situation was discussed
+with humour to the exclusion of all other topics. At the end of the
+morning's play I was certainly feeling a trifle done up, but it says
+much for the recuperative properties of chicken galantine and junket
+that after the interval I felt quite invigorated and good for service
+_ad infinitum_. Efforts were made to induce us to toss for the set, but
+neither of us would consent to this, Wilbrooke maintaining that under
+normal conditions I could not possibly win the game, and I arguing that
+under existing conditions--with which I was more intimately concerned--I
+could not possibly lose it, and therefore to toss would be a mockery.
+Thus there was no alternative but to play on.
+
+I suggested to Joan that as her presence on the court was not strictly
+essential she should join in a friendly set with some of the other
+unemployed. But she would not hear of it. She wanted to be in at the
+finish, if there was ever going to be a finish, she said; and so we
+continued.
+
+When we were summoned to tea (kindly provided gratis by Miss Vera
+Boogles) we had amassed 265 deuces, and though my right arm ached and my
+service was a trifle wobbly I was still scoring the vantage point (and
+losing it at once) with the utmost regularity. But the temporary
+cessation of hostilities, associated with about half-a-pound of Swiss
+roll and three Chelsea buns, served to restore me, and after tea we went
+at it again until half-past seven, when, with the score at 394 deuces,
+the net got tired and collapsed, and we adjourned.
+
+We have since met on every available evening in our endeavours to bring
+the game to a conclusion; but the score is still deuce, and at that it
+will probably remain unless one of the following contingencies arises:--
+
+(1) Pattie may improve so much with the constant practice that she will
+be able to return my service; in which case it will settle the game, for
+wherever we put the ball Wilbrooke is bound to get hold of it and drive
+or smash it so that we can't return it.
+
+(2) I may serve Pattie a double-fault. But I am now in splendid
+training; my right biceps is like a cricket-ball, and I feel that I
+could serve all day without tiring. Besides, the quality of my service
+is improving, which counteracts, in a measure, the possible improvement
+in Pattie's game.
+
+(3) We may get a bright sunshiny evening, when the sun will be straight
+in Wilbrooke's eyes; in which case, with my improved service, I may
+possibly get a fast ball over which he will be unable to see.
+
+Anyway, it is now certain that I belong to the Bulldog Breed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Sir ERNEST SHACKLETON as reported in _The Evening News_:--
+
+    "The last articles which we took on board were two gramophones with
+    a large number of records and a case of hyacinth blubs."
+
+The last-named are often mistaken for spring onions by those who come
+too near with their lachrymal nerves.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: A SONG FOR THE HOLIDAYS.
+
+    "WHERE MY CARAVAN HAS RESTED."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+As in the enervating luxury of peace, so in the stern stringency of war
+we have always a use, and a good use too, for the humourist. But he must
+be a jester of the right sort; not bitter nor flippant, not over
+boisterous nor too "intellectual." Humour for humour's sake is what we
+want, and in these anxious hours something to make us laugh quietly and
+unhysterically, if only by way of temporary relief. Mr. IAN HAY hits the
+mark about eight times in every ten in _A Knight on Wheels_ (HODDER AND
+STOUGHTON), which is not at all a bad proportion for three hundred and
+nineteen pages. He has some delightful ideas, which, happily, he does
+not overwork: a case in point is the brief but rapid career of _Uncle
+Joseph_, who employs the most criminal methods in order to attain the
+most charitable ends. The story is a simple one--youth, laughter and
+love; and the motor car plays an important but not a tiresome part in
+it. The author's attitude towards women is slightly cynical but very
+lighthearted, and clearly he loves them all the time: indeed, I think
+Mr. HAY, while alive to existing faults, loves everything and everybody.
+In return most people will be prepared to love him. And he deserves to
+be loved for the sake of a book which has a happy beginning, a happy
+middle and a happy end, together with lots of incidental laughter.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"There is a teacup storm in the Close, I hear. The Dean altered the time
+of closing the Minster for summer cleaning or some such trifle, and did
+not consult the Chapter, which had already made its holiday
+arrangements." This sentence, chosen at random from _Quisquiliae_, the
+diary of _Henry Savile_, will do well enough to support my contention
+that _Dr. Ashford and His Neighbours_ (MURRAY) is going to be a great
+boon to the cathedral cities of our Midland shires. Under the form of a
+narrative of social life in Sunningwell, Dr. WARRE CORNISH has elected
+to arrange his views on religion, art, literature, politics and the
+questions of the day, sometimes putting them into the mouths of his
+characters and sometimes into the note-book of the afore-mentioned
+_Henry Savile_, a leisured cripple whose disquisitions on letters and on
+people are, if a trifle rambling, at any rate delightfully critical and
+much more interesting and profound than certain others which flow
+periodically from the windows of cloistered retreats. _Mr. Henry Savile_
+quotes from the Classics perhaps a little too freely for the taste of a
+decadent age, and his friends, _Dr. Ashford, Lady Grace_, the bishop's
+wife, _Olive_, her niece, and _Philip Daly_, nephew of an archdeacon and
+parliamentary candidate for Sunningwell, would be a little more amusing
+if they were treated in a more Trollopian manner, and did not so
+faithfully discuss the burning controversies of the time. But, after
+all, the great excitement in _Dr. Ashford and His Neighbours_ (and I
+really cannot advise any resident in--shall we say Mercia?--to be
+without it) is the chance it affords for such questions as: Who is the
+Dean? Does the author really mean Canon X? Are we living in Sunningwell,
+or is it L----? Even I myself, in this metropolitan backwater, have made
+one or two ingenious guesses, but wild taxicabs would not drag them from
+me.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+At this time of day to attempt criticism upon a new novel by MISS RHODA
+BROUGHTON seems almost impertinent. The tens of thousands to whom she
+has given such pleasure before now would probably be willing to read
+anything that was put before them with the guarantee of her name.
+Fortunately in the case of _Concerning a Vow_ (STANLEY PAUL) this
+confidence would be by no means misplaced. I can say at once, with my
+hand upon my reviewer's heart, that in freshness and vivacity and power
+of sprightly character-drawing here is a story that need fear comparison
+with none of its most popular predecessors. The vow of the title was
+that exacted by _Meg Champneys_ on her death-bed from her sister
+_Sally_, binding the latter not to marry _Edward Branley_. _Edward_, in
+some fashion that was never made quite clear to me, had previously
+jilted both the sisters. But this all happened before the beginning of
+the book. In it poor _Edward_ is made so pitiable and heart-broken a
+figure that I found it hard to credit his previous infidelities.
+However, most of the other characters detested him, and said that
+nothing was too bad for him; and as they themselves were delightful and
+quite human people I am ready to suppose that they had their reasons. Of
+course _Edward_ and _Sally_ were really in love all the time, and of
+course too they find resistance to this impossible; though I must own
+that their method of circumventing the vow reminded me dangerously of
+the young man who used a cigarette-holder because he had been told to
+keep away from tobacco. I speak flippantly; but as a matter of fact the
+story of _Edward_ and _Sally_ is not free from tragedy, very simply and
+movingly told. If _Concerning a Vow_ does not add to Miss BROUGHTON'S
+popularity it will only be because this is impossible; it certainly will
+do nothing to lessen it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Barber_ (_to victim._) "WHAT IS YOUR OPINION OF THE
+AEROPLANE AS A MILITARY ASSET?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I think that Mr. W. R. TITTERTON is a little late in the day; his book,
+_Me as a Model_ (PALMER), recalls happy memories of that past and
+already romantic period when _Trilby_ was the talk of the hour and Paris
+the centre of all Bohemian licence. Mr. TITTERTON has the DU MAURIER
+manner, but his jocular skittishness, aided by asterisks, exclamation
+marks and suspensive dots, has curiously little behind it. It is not
+enough to-day to paint the gay impropriety of models and the
+devil-may-care penury of lighthearted artists. _Trilby_ began the
+movement, _Louise_ ended it, and Mr. TITTERTON is behind his day. I am
+glad, however, to learn that he was so splendid a model. The students at
+JULIEN'S fall back aghast before his magnificent figure, and now, in
+every gallery in Europe, sculptures and paintings of Mr. TITTERTON are
+to be seen by the vulgar crowd, very often for no charge at all; and
+that, of course, is delightful for Europe. And, according to his title,
+that is doubtless the final impression that the author wishes to convey.
+I intend on my next trip abroad to search for Mr. TITTERTON in all the
+galleries. My only means of discovery are the pictures of the author
+with which his book is filled, and here, if the illustrator (a very
+clever fellow) is to be trusted, I am frankly puzzled by the attitude at
+JULIEN'S towards their model. There is very little in these
+illustrations to justify it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+If I am not mistaken, _The Jam Queen_ (METHUEN) marks the first
+incursion of Miss NETTA SYRETT into humorous fiction. In that, or any,
+case, she has written a story which deserves a considerable success.
+_The Jam Queen_ is to a large extent what would be called in drama a
+one-part affair. There are plenty of other characters, many of them
+drawn with much unforced skill, but the personality of the protagonist,
+the Jam Queen herself, overshadows the rest. _Mrs. Quilter_ is an
+abiding joy. There have been plutocratic elderly women, uneducated but
+agreeable, in a hundred novels before this; but I recall few that have
+been treated so honestly or with so much genuine sympathy. Mind you,
+Miss SYRETT is no sentimentalist. Ill-directed philanthropy, Girtonian
+super-culture, the simple life with its complexities of square-cut
+gowns and bare feet--all these come beneath the lash of a satire that is
+delicate but unsparing. Yet with it all she has, as every good satirist
+should have, a quick appreciation of the good qualities of her victims.
+Even _Frederick_, the pious, as contrasted with the flippant, nephew of
+aunt _Quilter--Frederick_, with his futile institute for people who want
+none of it, his blind pedantry, and his actual dishonesty in what he
+considers a worthy cause--even he is punished no further than his actual
+deserving. Perhaps in telling you that _Mrs. Quilter_ has two nephews,
+an idle and an industrious one, I have told you enough of the scheme. It
+is, after all, no great matter. _Mrs. Quilter_ must be the reason for
+your reading the book, and your reward. She is real jam.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The tales Miss ETHEL DELL includes Within _The Swindler_ (UNWIN) pleased
+me,
+
+    Not by their thrills or interludes
+      Of tenderness--these hardly seized me;
+    Not by their people, though the pack
+      Were amiable and pleasant creatures,
+    Barring the villains who were black
+      And villainous in all their features.
+
+    By none of these my pulse was jerked
+      Out of its normal calm condition,
+    But by the plots, with which I worked
+      A quite exciting competition;
+    A point was mine if, at the start,
+      I guessed the way a yarn was tending;
+    Miss DELL'S, if by consummate art
+      She failed to use the obvious ending.
+
+    The first two tales she won on; three
+      And four were mine; five hers; six, seven
+    And eight I got hands down; and she
+      Got square with nine and ten. Eleven
+    Is still unwritten, and I bide
+      Impatiently its birth, for that'll
+    Finally, so I trust, decide
+      The issue of our hard-fought battle.
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOLUME 147, AUGUST 12, 1914***
+
+
+******* This file should be named 26119-8.txt or 26119-8.zip *******
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+<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 147, August 12, 1914, by Various</title>
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+<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 147,
+August 12, 1914, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman</h1>
+<pre>
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at <a href = "http://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre>
+<p>Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 147, August 12, 1914</p>
+<p>Author: Various</p>
+<p>Editor: Owen Seaman</p>
+<p>Release Date: July 24, 2008  [eBook #26119]</p>
+<p>Language: English</p>
+<p>Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1</p>
+<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOLUME 147, AUGUST 12, 1914***</p>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<h3>E-text prepared by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer,<br />
+    and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team<br />
+    (http://www.pgdp.net)</h3>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<hr class="pg" />
+
+<h1>PUNCH,<br /> OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+<h2>VOL. 147.</h2>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+<h2>August 12, 1914.</h2>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[Pg 141]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2>
+
+<p>A gentleman with a foreign name who was arrested in the neighbourhood of
+the Tyne shipyards last week with measuring gauges and a map in his
+possession explained, on being charged, that he was looking for work. It
+is possible that some hard labour may be found for him.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"Members of Parliament will not suffer," was the comfortable statement
+of Mr. <span class="sc">Josiah Wedgwood</span> during a speech on the subject of the War. As a
+matter of fact, owing to the French cooks employed at the House of
+Commons having returned to their country, the <i>menu</i> at the House will
+have to consist, until the end of the session, of plain English fare.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The foresight of the British Public in refusing to subscribe the large
+amount of money asked of them for the Olympic Sports in Berlin is now
+apparent.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Although still under twenty-one years of age, and therefore not yet
+liable for military service, <span class="sc">Georges Carpentier</span> has gallantly joined the
+colours as a volunteer. It would be pleasant if he and the Russian
+<span class="sc">Hackenschmidt</span> could shortly meet in Berlin.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>A dear old lady writes to say that she was shocked to read that Sir
+<span class="sc">Ernest Shackleton's</span> ship, on leaving the Thames, was hooted at by
+sirens, and that such conduct makes her ashamed of her sex.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Meanwhile, thoughtful persons are wondering whether there will be any
+fighting at the South Pole. It will be remembered that the Austrians
+were also fitting out a South Pole expedition, and friendly rivalry
+between the two nations may soon become impossible.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The W.S.P.U. has written to the Press to contradict the statement that
+the Union has issued instructions that acts of militancy are to be
+suspended during the European crisis. The Union, we understand,
+considers the statement calculated to cause serious injury to its
+reputation.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Which reminds us that <i>The Liverpool Evening Echo</i> was, we fancy, the
+only paper in the country to announce a sensational victory for
+feminism, and we congratulate our contemporary on its <i>coup</i>. We refer
+to the following announcement:&mdash;"At a meeting of the Fellows of All
+Souls' College, Oxford, Mrs. Francis William Pember was elected Warden
+in place of the late Sir William Anson."</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The Hon. Sec. of the Fresh Air Fund appeals to ladies to send him their
+hair combings, every pound of which will provide a poor child with a day
+in the country. We like this idea of turning Old Hair into Fresh Air.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The London General Omnibus Company is appointing one lady and a number
+of men to act as interpreters and guides. Their costumes, we should say,
+will attract a considerable amount of attention, for the lady, we are
+told, will wear a braided frock coat and black skirt and straw-topped
+peak hat, while the men will work in double shifts.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>By the way it is rumoured that several of our railway companies intend
+to follow the example of the L. G. O. C. and employ interpreters to
+translate to passengers the names of the railway stations as announced
+by porters and guards.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>At the recent meeting of the British Medical Association at Aberdeen a
+doctor advocated the eating of onions and garlic. This should certainly
+produce an uninhabited area in one's immediate neighbourhood, and so
+render one less liable to catch infectious diseases.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"I know not," says Mr. <span class="sc">Arnold Bennett</span>, "why I find an acrid pleasure in
+beholding mediocrity, the average, the everyday ordinary, as it is; but
+I do." Can it be, <span class="sc">Arnold</span>, because we are all attracted by our opposites?</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>We are authorised to deny the allegation that Lord <span class="sc">Gladstone</span>, when he
+was booed upon his arrival at Waterloo from South Africa, remarked
+gaily, "Ah, I see I have not done with my friends the Booers yet!"</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>It is nice to know in these days of lost reputations that Oriental
+hospitality, at any rate, shows no signs of decadence. A correspondent
+has come across the following announcement in a tailor's shop in
+Tokio:&mdash;"Respectable ladies and gentlemen may come here to have fits."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%;">
+<a href="images/141.png">
+<img src="images/141.png" width="100%" alt="Do yer love me, &#39;Erb?" /></a>
+<p>"<span class="sc">Do yer love me, 'Erb?</span>"</p>
+<p>"<span class="sc">Love yer, 'Liza, I should jest think I does. Why, if yer ever gives me
+up I'll murder yer! I can't say more'n that, can I?</span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>Commercial Candour.</h3>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"The lasting delightful perfume of the age. One who can prove that
+the perfume of <i>Otto Mohini</i> is not lasting for four days by putting
+five drops on the handkerchief will be rewarded Rs. 100 cash. Try
+only small tube and get the reward."&mdash;<i>Advt. in "The Hitavada."</i></p></div>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"Dr. Roux, head of the Pasteur Institute, has made a communication
+to the Academy of Science showing microbes is not only possible, but
+would be far better."</p>
+
+<p><i>Rangoon Gazette.</i></p></div>
+
+<p>But we don't quite see what the Academy can do about it.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<center>"MINIATURE &amp; PORTRAIT PAINTING</center>
+
+<center><span class="sc">Mr. Alfred Praga, R.B.A.</span>,</center>
+
+<center>President of the Society of Manicurists."</center>
+
+<p><i>Advt. in "The Studio."</i></p>
+
+<p>We know an artist whose work gives us the impression that he might be
+President of the Society of Chiropodists.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"Lord Provost Stevenson is proving a serious rival to Principal
+MacAlister as a linguist. Sir Daniel yesterday addressed public
+gatherings in English, Italian, and Spanish."</p>
+
+<p><i>Glasgow News.</i></p></div>
+
+<p>Now that he has mastered English, he must have a try at Scotch.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<h3>Imperial Candour.</h3>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"You are Germans. God help us."</p>
+<p>Berlin Castle. <i>Signed "<span class="sc">William</span>."</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[Pg 142]</a></span>
+
+<h2>PRO PATRIA.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">England, in this great fight to which you go</p>
+<p class="i2">Because, where Honour calls you, go you must,</p>
+<p class="i0">Be glad, whatever comes, at least to know</p>
+<p class="i2">You have your quarrel just.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Peace was your care; before the nations' bar</p>
+<p class="i2">Her cause you pleaded and her ends you sought;</p>
+<p class="i0">But not for her sake, being what you are,</p>
+<p class="i2">Could you be bribed and bought.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Others may spurn the pledge of land to land,</p>
+<p class="i2">May with the brute sword stain a gallant past;</p>
+<p class="i0">But by the seal to which <i>you</i> set your hand,</p>
+<p class="i2">Thank God, you still stand fast!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Forth, then, to front that peril of the deep</p>
+<p class="i2">With smiling lips and in your eyes the light,</p>
+<p class="i0">Stedfast and confident, of those who keep</p>
+<p class="i2">Their storied scutcheon bright.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">And we, whose burden is to watch and wait&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">High-hearted ever, strong in faith and prayer,</p>
+<p class="i0">We ask what offering we may consecrate,</p>
+<p class="i2">What humble service share?</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">To steel our souls against the lust of ease;</p>
+<p class="i2">To find our welfare in the general good;</p>
+<p class="i0">To hold together, merging all degrees</p>
+<p class="i2">In one wide brotherhood;&mdash;</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">To teach that he who saves himself is lost;</p>
+<p class="i2">To bear in silence though our hearts may bleed;</p>
+<p class="i0">To spend ourselves, and never count the cost,</p>
+<p class="i2">For others' greater need;&mdash;</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">To go our quiet ways, subdued and sane;</p>
+<p class="i2">To hush all vulgar clamour of the street;</p>
+<p class="i0">With level calm to face alike the strain</p>
+<p class="i2">Of triumph or defeat;&mdash;</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">This be our part, for so we serve you best,</p>
+<p class="i2">So best confirm their prowess and their pride,</p>
+<p class="i0">Your warrior sons, to whom in this high test</p>
+<p class="i2">Our fortunes we confide.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<p class="author">O. S.</p>
+
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>A DETERMINED ISLAND.</h2>
+
+<p>Anything more peaceful than the outward aspect of the Isle of Wight, as
+I have seen it from Totland Bay during the past week, it would be
+impossible to conceive. For the most part the sun has been shining from
+a blue sky on a blue and brilliant sea; men, women and children have
+been swimming and splashing joyfully in a most mixed manner, and the
+whole landscape has had its usual holiday air. These, however, are
+deceptive appearances. We have felt and are feeling the imminence of
+war, and, though our judgments are firm and patriotic and prepared for
+sacrifice, our minds are clouded with a heavy anxiety. Our newspapers
+arrive at about 11 o'clock, and at that hour there is a concentrated
+rush to the book-shop. There we make our way through stacked volumes of
+cheap reprints to the counter where two ladies are struggling womanfully
+against the serried phalanx of purchasers. These two dive headfirst from
+time to time into a great pile of the morning's news and emerge
+triumphantly with The Times for Prospect House or <i>The Telegraph</i> for
+Orville Lodge, and so on through the crowd of applicants until all are
+satisfied. This is the great event of our day. At the grocery stores on
+the opposite side of the road, news telegrams are shown on a board, and
+with these we eke out the knowledge of our fluctuating fate. Close by,
+too, is posted up a proclamation by the officer commanding the troops in
+the Island. He bids us not to walk too near a fort or to convey to any
+casual person such knowledge as we may have gained about the movements
+of troops, and we are commanded "to at once report" anything suspicious.
+I am sure the gallant officer will display as much vigour in the
+battering of his country's foes as he has shown in the splitting of the
+<span class="sc">King's</span> infinitives. Going for my newspaper this morning I saw at a
+distance an elderly gentleman of a serious aspect revolving steadily
+round and round a tall iron post. It was not until I came closer that I
+realised the meaning of his strange gyrations. The proclamation had been
+inconsiderately pasted round the post and he was endeavouring to read
+it.</p>
+
+<p>On Thursday last, nearly a week before the actual proclamation of war,
+the wildest rumours were afloat here. A motherly lady assured me with a
+smile that the German fleet might be expected at any moment. "The
+British fleet," she told me, "has been overwhelmed and sunk in the North
+Sea. The Germans have determined to capture the Isle of Wight, so we are
+none of us safe." I asked her where she had heard this dreadful news.
+"Oh, it's all over the village." Thereupon she moved calmly into a
+bathing cabin and had a patriotic dip. In another quarter I was told
+that the Island could not fail to be cut off, and awful things were
+prophesied as to what would happen to us unless we made our way to the
+mainland with the utmost promptitude. The supply of eggs was to run
+short; meat was to go up to famine prices or be reserved entirely for
+the soldiery, our intrepid defenders; bread was to become a luxury
+obtainable only by millionaires. All this was reported on the authority
+of a man who had it from another man who had it from a banker who was in
+close touch with the War Office in London. So far what is true is that
+steamers no longer come to Totland Bay, and anyone who wants to visit us
+here can get no nearer by boat than Yarmouth&mdash;not, of course, the home
+of the bloater, but our own little island Yarmouth, round the corner. In
+the meantime a good deal of patriotic self-denial is going on amongst
+the juvenile population. A friend of mine, aged seven, hearing the talk
+about all the coming privations, has decided to remove chocolates, buns
+and sponge-cakes from his dietary, and several young ladies have agreed
+to take milk instead of cream with their breakfast porridge.</p>
+
+<p>This morning we were brought face to face with the grimmest reality of
+war we have so far experienced. A boy-scout called at the house and
+produced an official paper asking for the names and addresses of any
+aliens who might be residing in the house. We have one such alien, a
+German maid for the children, a most unwarlike and inoffensive alien.
+Her name was entered on the form and the boy-scout disappeared to call
+at other houses. Since then, at intervals of about half-an-hour, other
+boy-scouts have called and produced similar forms. I have just dismissed
+a party of three, telling them that they seemed to be overlapping. They
+smiled and said, "Thank you," and retired. I look out of the window and
+behold two more approaching. They are doing the thing thoroughly.</p>
+
+<p>P.S.&mdash;Another notice is out warning us that it is known there are a lot
+of spies in the Island, and that we must not loiter near a fort lest we
+be shot. It is rumoured that soldiers are to be billeted on us
+(enthusiastic cheers from the younger members of the family).</p>
+
+
+<p class="author">R. C. L.</p>
+
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"Turnip, beef, carrots, and onions, if of suitable variety, would in
+a favourable autumn yield fair-sized bulbs."&mdash;<i>Manchester Evening
+News.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>New Song.</i> "When father carved the bulb."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[Pg 143]</a></span></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%;"><a href="images/143.png">
+<img src="images/143.png" width="100%" alt="BRAVO, BELGIUM!" /></a>
+<span class="caption">BRAVO, BELGIUM!</span>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[Pg 144]</a></span></p><hr /> <p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[Pg 145]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>VOLUMES.</h2>
+
+<p>All books should be in one volume. I always thought so, but now I know.
+The reason why I know is because I possess two or three thousand books,
+and I have recently moved into a new house, and the books were at first
+put on the shelves indiscriminately as they came out of the packing
+cases. And how better spend a wet bank holiday than in arranging them
+properly&mdash;bringing parted couples together, adjusting involuntary
+divorces, reuniting the separated members of families and tribes?</p>
+
+<p>This is the merciful work on which Parolles and I have been engaged for
+too long. (I call her Parolles because she is so fond of words of which
+neither the meaning nor pronunciation has quite been mastered.) We meet
+each other all over the house with pathetic inquiries, "Have you seen
+Volume IV. of <i>Dumas' Memoirs</i>?" "No, but have you noticed Volume I. of
+<i>Fors Clavigera</i>?" It is like a game of "Families."</p>
+
+<p>The worst of the game is that one cannot concentrate. I may ascend the
+stairs bent wholly upon securing Volume III. of <span class="sc">Prothero and Coleridge's</span>
+<i>Byron</i>, and then chancing to observe Volume II. of <span class="sc">Ingpen's</span> <i>Boswell</i> I
+leap at it in ecstasy and, forgetting all about the noble misanthrope,
+hasten back with this prize and join it to its lonely mate.</p>
+
+<p>My <i>Dictionary of National Biography</i>, for all its fifty-eight volumes,
+not counting Supplements or Errata, was simple, on account of its size
+and unusual appearance. But what word can I find to express the
+annoyance and trouble given us by a small Pope in sheepskin? We roamed
+the house together&mdash;there are shelves in every room&mdash;striving to collect
+this family; but three of them are still on the loose. There is a
+Balzac, too, in a number of volumes not mentioned on any title-page and
+not numbered individually, so that time alone can tell whether that
+group is ever fully assembled. But as we placed them side by side we
+could almost hear them sigh after their long separation&mdash;though whether
+with satisfaction or annoyance who shall say? Volumes, may be, can get
+as tired of their companions as human beings can.</p>
+
+<p>During such an occupation as this a vast deal of time vanishes also in
+trying to remember where it was that I saw that copy of <i>Friendship's
+Garland</i>, so as to place it with the other Arnolds. Even more time goes
+in dipping into books which I had clean forgotten I possessed, such as
+<i>The Cricketers' Manual</i>, by "Bat," in which my eyes alighted upon this
+excellent story:</p>
+
+<p>"The Duchess de Berri, being present at a match between two clubs of
+Englishmen at Dieppe [in 1824], looked on very attentively for nearly
+three hours, then, turning to one of her attendants, said, '<i>Mais, quand
+est-ce que le jeu va commencer?</i>'" But the time which I have frittered
+away in this frivolity is as nothing compared with that wasted by
+Parolles, who has a way of subsiding upon the ground wherever she may
+happen to be and instantly becoming absorbed in the printed page. It is
+not as if she exercised any selective power, as I do. All books are the
+same to her in that they contain type on which the eye can fasten to the
+detriment of her labour. In every room I have stumbled over her long
+black legs as she thus abused her trust.</p>
+
+<p>And not only has she read more than I have, but she has become steadily
+dirtier than I, too; partly because of a native <i>flair</i> for whatever
+makes smears and smudges, and partly because, her hair being long and
+falling on the page, owing to her crouched attitude when perusing, it
+has to be swept back, and each sweep leaves its mark. Considering how
+they set themselves up to be superior and instruct, books are curiously
+grubby things.</p>
+
+<p>And, as I said before, they should be in one volume.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%;">
+<a href="images/145.png">
+<img src="images/145.png" width="100%"  alt="wot&#39;s this bloomin&#39; Mortuarium" /></a><br /><br />
+<p><i>First Politician.</i> "<span class="sc">Say, Bill, wot's this bloomin'
+Mortuarium they be tarkin' so much about?</span>"</p>
+<p><i>Second Politician.</i> "<span class="sc">Well, ye see, it's like this. You don't pay
+nothin' to nobody and the Government pays it for ye.</span>"</p>
+<p><i>First Politician.</i> "<span class="sc">Well, that sounds a bit of all right, doan't it?</span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[Pg 146]</a></span>
+
+<h2>THE PROBLEM OF LIFE.</h2>
+
+<p>The noise of the retreating sea came pleasantly to us from a distance.
+Celia was lying on her&mdash;I never know how to put this nicely&mdash;well, she
+was lying face downwards on a rock and gazing into a little pool which
+the tide had forgotten about and left behind. I sat beside her and
+annoyed a limpet. Three minutes ago I had taken it suddenly by surprise
+and with an Herculean effort moved it an eighteenth of a millimetre
+westwards. My silence since then was lulling it into a false security,
+and in another two minutes I hoped to get a move on it again.</p>
+
+<p>"Do you know," said Celia with a puzzled look on her face, "sometimes I
+think I'm quite an ordinary person after all."</p>
+
+<p>"You aren't a little bit," I said lazily; "you're just like nobody else
+in the world."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, of course, you had to say that."</p>
+
+<p>"No, I hadn't. Lots of husbands would merely have yawned." I felt one
+coming and stopped it just in time. Waiting for limpets to go to sleep
+is drowsy work. "But why are you so morbid about yourself suddenly?"</p>
+
+<p>"I don't know," she said. "Only every now and then I find myself
+thinking the most <i>obvious</i> thoughts."</p>
+
+<p>"We all do," I answered, as I stroked my limpet gently. The noise of our
+conversation had roused it, but a gentle stroking motion (I am told by
+those to whom it has confided) will frequently cause its muscles to
+relax. "The great thing is not to speak them. Still, you'd better tell
+me now. What is it?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well," she said, her cheeks perhaps a little pinker than usual, "I was
+just thinking that life was very wonderful. But it's a <i>silly</i> thing to
+say."</p>
+
+<p>"It's holiday time," I reminded her. "The necessity of sprinkling our
+remarks with thoughtful words like 'economic' and 'sporadic' is over for
+a bit. Let us be silly." I scratched in the rock the goal to which I was
+urging my limpet and took out my watch. "Three thirty-five. I shall get
+him there by four."</p>
+
+<p>Celia was gazing at two baby fishes who played in and out a bunch of
+sea-weed. Above the sea-weed an anemone sat fatly.</p>
+
+<p>"I suppose they're all just as much alive as we are," she said
+thoughtfully. "They marry"&mdash;I looked at my limpet with a new
+interest&mdash;"and bring up families and go about their business, and it all
+means just as much to them as it does to us."</p>
+
+<p>"My limpet's business affairs mean nothing to me," I said firmly. "I am
+only wrapped up in him as a sprinter."</p>
+
+<p>"Aren't you going to try to move him again?"</p>
+
+<p>"He's not quite ready yet. He still has his suspicions."</p>
+
+<p>Celia dropped into silence. Her next question showed that she had left
+the pool for a moment.</p>
+
+<p>"Are there any people in Mars?" she asked.</p>
+
+<p>"People down here say that there aren't. A man told me the other day
+that he knew this for a fact. On the other hand, people in Mars know for
+a fact that there isn't anybody on the Earth. Probably they are both
+wrong."</p>
+
+<p>"I should like to know a lot about things," sighed Celia. "Do you know
+anything about limpets?"</p>
+
+<p>"Only that they stick like billy-o."</p>
+
+<p>"I suppose more about them <i>is</i> known than that?"</p>
+
+<p>"I suppose so. By people who have made a speciality of them. For one who
+has preferred to amass general knowledge rather than to specialize it is
+considered enough to know that they stick like billy-o."</p>
+
+<p>"You haven't specialized in anything, have you?"</p>
+
+<p>"Only in wives."</p>
+
+<p>Celia smiled and went on, "How do you make a speciality of limpets?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I suppose you&mdash;er&mdash;study them. You sit down and&mdash;and watch them.
+Probably after dark they get up and do something. And of course, in any
+case, you can always dissect one and see what he's had for breakfast.
+One way and another you get to know things about them."</p>
+
+<p>"They must have a lot of time for thinking," said Celia, regarding my
+limpet with her head on one side. "Tell me, how do they know that there
+are no men in Mars?"</p>
+
+<p>I sat up with a sigh.</p>
+
+<p>"Celia, you do dodge about so. I have barely brought together and
+classified my array of facts about things in this world, when you've
+dashed up to another one. What is the connection between Mars and
+limpets? If there are any limpets in Mars they are fresh-water ones. In
+the canals."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, I just wondered," she said. "I mean"&mdash;she wrinkled her forehead in
+the effort to find words for her thoughts&mdash;"I'm wondering what
+everything means, and why we're all here, and what limpets are for, and,
+supposing there are people in Mars, if we're the real people whom the
+world was made for, or if <i>they</i> are." She stopped and added, "One
+evening after dinner, when we get home, you must tell me all about
+<i>everything</i>."</p>
+
+<p>Celia has a beautiful idea that I can explain everything to her. I
+suppose I must have explained a stymie or a no-ball very cleverly once.</p>
+
+<p>"Well," I said, "I can tell you what limpets are for now. They're like
+sheep and cows and horses and pheasants and&mdash;and any other animal.
+They're just for <i>us</i>. At least so the wise people say."</p>
+
+<p>"But we don't eat limpets."</p>
+
+<p>"No, but they can amuse us. This one"&mdash;and with a sudden leap I was
+behind him as he dozed and I had dashed him forward another eighteenth
+of a millimetre&mdash;"this one has amused <i>me</i>."</p>
+
+<p>"Perhaps," said Celia thoughtfully and I don't think it was quite a nice
+thing for a young woman to say, "perhaps we're only meant to amuse the
+people in Mars."</p>
+
+<p>"Then," I said lazily, "let's hope they <i>are</i> amused."</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>But that was nearly three weeks ago. Ten days later war was declared.
+Celia has said no more on the subject since her one afternoon's unrest,
+but she looks at me curiously sometimes, and I fear that the problem of
+life leaves her more puzzled than ever. At the risk of betraying myself
+to her as "quite an ordinary person after all" I confess that just at
+the moment it leaves me puzzled too.</p>
+
+<p class="author"> A. A. M.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCE.</h2>
+
+<p>It was a seaside railway station, the arriving place of one of those
+health resorts where people flock in their millions to enjoy a little
+peace and quiet together. He, no doubt as a punishment for a misspent
+youth, was the station-master; she was one of those many kind ladies who
+come to meet their relatives and to make their arrival even more
+peaceful and quiet than such events usually are.</p>
+
+<p>"Was that the train from London?" she asked him.</p>
+
+<p>He temporized. "Have you asked a porter?" he enquired.</p>
+
+<p>She nodded.</p>
+
+<p>"And have you asked another porter?"</p>
+
+<p>She nodded again.</p>
+
+<p>"And then the foreman porter? And then a ticket collector? And then the
+inspector? And then a casual post-man? And then did you come across your
+original porter and try him again?"</p>
+
+<p>She admitted the list without a blush.</p>
+
+<p>"And now tell me all about your dear lost one&mdash;a weak, helpless man, no
+doubt?"</p>
+
+<p>"It was my husband," she explained.</p>
+
+<p>"A medium-sized man, in a macintosh and a straw hat, of course?"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147">[Pg 147]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<p>She acquiesced.</p>
+
+<p>"But none the less," continued the official, "a man of sterling worth?
+You do not think he can be in some lost property office <i>en route</i>,
+waiting to be called for?"</p>
+
+<p>The suggestion was an attractive one, but was rejected. "Then," he said,
+"let us go and discuss this intimate tragedy in some less public spot."</p>
+
+<p>He took her to his office and begged her to be seated. "Repose all
+confidence in me, Madam," he said, "for I am not without experience in
+husbands. Good fellows on the whole, with their gladstone bags and their
+pince-nez and their unmistakable respectability. But somehow they have
+not acquired the knack of arriving when they are expected. Yours is the
+seventh who has failed us by this train. True, the other six were coming
+from Liverpool, whereas the 6.30 has come from London, but that is no
+excuse for them or us."</p>
+
+<p>"My husband is coming from London," she asserted, searching in her
+reticule for documentary evidence.</p>
+
+<p>He looked out of the window, avoiding her eye. "In less than twenty
+minutes we have a nice fat competent train arriving partly from
+Birmingham, partly from Manchester, partly from Sheffield and partly
+from Birkenhead. There is even a dusty bit at the end which will have
+come all the way from Scotland, though why I cannot say. It will be
+simply full of husbands; you wouldn't care to try it, at any rate to let
+us show it you?"</p>
+
+<p>"But my husband," she repeated.</p>
+
+<p>"Is essentially a London man? Madam, we do not wish you to take any of
+these husbands we shall show you if they do not suit your requirements;
+but do let us show them you."</p>
+
+<p>"I know that my husband is coming from London," she persisted.</p>
+
+<p>"Believe me, Madam," he protested, "I should not accuse you of being
+mistaken, even if your husband should prove to be in this train I
+recommend. He might have deceived you."</p>
+
+<p>She refused to budge. "My husband's postcard says he is coming in the
+6.30 train from London. The train has come and he is not in it."</p>
+
+<p>The station-master asked to be allowed to see the postcard, not, he
+explained, because he didn't believe her, but because he would like to
+have his worst suspicions of his Company's inefficiency confirmed.</p>
+
+<p>She handed it to him. He read the announcement, made briefly and without
+enthusiasm, of the husband's proposed arrival "by the 6.30 train
+to-morrow." The woman smiled with triumph; the station-master referred
+to the postmark. He did not smile triumphantly. He was too old a hand
+for that.</p>
+
+<p>"Will you allow me to intercede as a friend for all parties?" he asked.
+"Give him and us another chance; go away now and give us all twenty-four
+hours to think it over. Then call again, and, if your patience is
+rewarded, be generous and forgive us all."</p>
+
+<p>After some debate she was induced to see reason in the proposal and
+consented to take the lenient course. She rose to go.</p>
+
+<p>"And if," said the station-master, showing her out, "if a train should
+arrive at 6.30 from London to-morrow and disgorge this husband of yours,
+won't you do us all a little kindness? Won't you make a point of telling
+the porter, all the porters, foremen porters, ticket collectors,
+inspectors, casual postmen and even myself? You have no idea what a
+change it would be for us to hear a lady saying, 'My husband ought to
+have come by this train, and he has!'"</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 70%;">
+<a href="images/147.png">
+<img src="images/147.png" width="100%" alt="FINANCIAL STRINGENCY AT THE SEASIDE; A GOOD PENNYWORTH." /></a>
+<h3>FINANCIAL STRINGENCY AT THE SEASIDE; A GOOD PENNYWORTH.</h3>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>Our Loyal Statuary.</h3>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"An attempt was made by the fountain in Piccadilly Circus to head a
+procession for Buckingham Palace to pay homage to King
+George."&mdash;<i>Daily Mail.</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<h3>Another Smart Arrest by the Police.</h3>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"Sergt. &mdash;&mdash; found Mrs. &mdash;&mdash; sitting in a pool of blood in a
+semi-conscious condition. The flow of blood was arrested, and a
+doctor summoned."&mdash;<i>Northern Echo.</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148">[Pg 148]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>OUR MUSICAL CORRESPONDENCE COLUMN.</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>With acknowledgments to</i> "<i>The Musical Herald.</i>")</center>
+
+<p><i>I think I am a tenor, but after taking lessons continuously for six
+years from sixteen different masters I am still in doubt, and what is
+more, I am not quite certain whether I want to be. Did not somebody once
+say that a tenor was not a man but a disease? I am a healthy normal
+subject, and recently won the lawn-tennis singles at our local
+tournament. What puzzles me is my upper register. After reaching the top
+A, if I relax the wind pressure and slant the voice in a slightly
+backward direction towards the nasal cavities, I can produce a full rich
+B flat, or even C, with the greatest ease. My family do not like it, but
+family criticism is seldom satisfactory. Can you tell me whether this is
+a legitimate use of my vocal resources or not; also, whether the
+resinous quality of my voice is likely to be affected by my wearing
+stand-up collars of more than 2-1/2 inches in height? I have read
+somewhere that starched linen is a bad conductor of sound.</i>&mdash;<span class="sc">Mario
+Junior.</span></p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Answer.</span>&mdash;It is hard to tell whether you are a tenor or a forced-up
+baritone without hearing or seeing you. Tenors are generally short,
+stubby men with brief necks, while baritones are for the most part tall,
+spare and long-necked. It was <span class="sc">Hans Von B&uuml;low</span> who said that a tenor was a
+disease, but he was a pianist and a conductor. Do not "grouse" if you
+can sing tenor parts and yet retain the volume and virility of a
+baritone. <span class="sc">Jean de Reszke</span> began as a baritone and is said to have earned
+&pound;20,000 a year. The nasal tone that you speak of, when it approximates
+to the whinnying of a horse or, better still, the trumpeting of an
+infuriated rogue elephant, is a most valuable asset, but should be used
+with moderation in the family circle. Do not say "resinous"; "resonant"
+is probably the word you mean. High stand-up collars are certainly to be
+avoided, as they constrict the Adam's apple and muffle the tone of the
+voice. A soft turn-down collar, such as those supplied by Pope Bros., is
+greatly to be preferred and imparts a romantic and semi-Byronic
+appearance highly desirable in an artist.</p>
+
+<p><i>I am a railway porter with a good bass voice, and having read that the
+great Russian singer who has been appearing at Drury Lane began life in
+that position and is now paid at the rate of &pound;400 a night, I am anxious
+to follow his example, if I can obtain adequate guarantees of
+success.</i>&mdash;<span class="sc">Clapham Junction.</span></p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Answer.</span>&mdash;It is always dangerous to generalise from exceptional
+individual cases. Are you over six feet high, and have you corn-coloured
+hair and blue yes, like <span class="sc">Chaliapine</span>? Again, Russian railway porters are
+in the habit of shouting the names of stations, not only in a loud
+voice, but with scrupulously clear articulation. Do not rashly abandon
+your career on the railway on the off-chance of a vocal Bonanza.
+Remember the words of the poet:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">O, ever since the world began,</p>
+<p class="i0">There never was and never can</p>
+<p class="i0">Be such a very useful man</p>
+<p class="i2">As the railway porter!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<p><i>My voice is of good compass and volume, but it is lacking in the "rich
+fruity tone" which, according to popular novelists, is indispensable to
+the exertion of a magnetic influence on the hearer. Is it possible by
+diet to remedy this deficiency?</i>&mdash;<span class="sc">Contralto.</span></p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Answer.</span>&mdash;The use of an emollient diet is recommended by some authorities
+with a view to improving and enriching vocal tone. You might try a
+course of Carlsbad plums, Devonshire cream, and peach-fed Colorado ham.
+But it is easy to overdo the plummy tone, which is apt to become
+cloying.</p>
+
+<p><i>Kindly explain the following terms taken from an article on <span class="sc">Scriabine</span>
+which recently appeared in a leading daily paper: Psychical
+conjunctivitis; Katzenjammer; Cephal&oelig;dematous; Hokusai; Asininity. What
+is the difference between the portamento and "scooping"? Why do opera
+singers show such a marked tendency to embonpoint? Am I wrong in
+preferring the cornet to any other wind instrument?</i>&mdash;<span class="sc">Anxious Aspirant.</span></p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Answer.</span>&mdash;This is not a general information bureau, but we will do our
+best. (1) Conjunctivitis is properly a disease of the eyes; "psychical
+conjunctivitis" would be a sort of mental squint. "Katzenjammer" is the
+German for "hot coppers." "Cephal&oelig;dematous" is not in the New Oxford
+Dictionary, but apparently applies to a sufferer from swelled head.
+<span class="sc">Hokusai</span> was a Japanese artist, and "asininity" is the special quality of
+the writer of the article from which you have taken these words. (2)
+"Scooping" is the vulgarisation of the portamento, (3) Operatic singers
+grow stout because they drink stout; also because much singing tends to
+expand the larynx, pharynx and thorax, as well as the
+basilico-thaumaturgic cavities of the medulla oblongata. (4) There is
+nothing criminal in preferring the cornet to any other wind instrument.
+Many pious people prefer <span class="sc">Marie Corelli</span> to <span class="sc">Milton.</span></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE DOUBLE LIFE.</h2>
+
+<p>When Araminta said that I must speak to the man next door about his
+black cat, I was greatly perturbed. It appeared that the animal had
+acquired the habit of spending the night in our house, and that Harriet
+didn't like it. I said that black cats brought good luck, and, anyhow,
+by night all cats were grey. Araminta replied that this one was as black
+as a bilberry and took fish. Walking out into the garden I began to
+meditate deeply.</p>
+
+<p>Perhaps you do not immediately grasp what a terrible and dangerous thing
+it was that Araminta had requested me to do. Between next-door
+neighbours in the area of Greater London there subsist relations of an
+infinite delicacy. They resemble the bloom upon a peach. They combine a
+sense of mutual confidence and esteem with absolute determination not to
+let it get any further. Mr. Trumpington (Harriet vouched for his name)
+and myself were certainly acquainted. In a sense you may even say we
+were friends. If I happened to be murdered or assaulted by a footpad
+there was not the smallest reason to suppose that Mr. Trumpington would
+refrain from giving the police every assistance in identifying the
+criminal. Similarly, if Mr. Trumpington's house caught fire, it was
+certain that I should be one of the first to offer him the loan of our
+garden syringe.</p>
+
+<p>As things were, what happened was this. Twice or thrice a week we nodded
+pleasantly to each other over the wall that divided our demesnes,
+through the interstices of our respective hollyhocks; once, only once,
+in a mad burst of irresponsible gaiety, Mr. Trumpington had gone so far
+as to murmur, "Good aft-" to me, and I had responded effusively,
+"-ernoon."</p>
+
+<p>And now all this atmosphere of quiet sociableness was about to be
+destroyed through the paltry misdemeanours of a subfuse cat. For I had
+not the smallest doubt as to what would happen. Mr. Trumpington was a
+mild amiable-looking man. There was not the faintest prospect of his
+flying into a rage. He would not say, "What right have you to interfere
+with the private affairs of another man's domesticated fauna?" He would
+not ask me why I had inveigled his beautiful black cat on to my
+poisonous premises. No, we should talk together reasonably, amicably,
+and as man to man. Mr. Trumpington would promise to do all he could to
+give his cat pleasant, cheerful evenings at home, and I should agree
+that it was very hard to prevent a young cat from wanting to see a bit
+of life.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149">[Pg 149]</a></span> "Cats," we should say, nodding our heads wisely, "will be
+cats."</p>
+
+<p>And then from cats we should pass on to dogs, to sport, to politics, to
+business, to heaven knows what. And the next day we should be compelled
+to pick up our conversation where we had dropped it. We should discuss
+our gardens and our family affairs. Things would go from bad to worse.
+All our privacy and peace would disappear. We might almost as well break
+down the wall that divided us at once. Possibly (thought of horror) his
+wife would call on Araminta....</p>
+
+<p>Still pondering ruefully, I turned round at the bottom of the garden
+path, and behold, sitting on the party-wall between Mr. Trumpington's
+garden and mine, was the debateable cat. An impulse of murderous rage
+possessed me. I took an old golf-ball from my pocket and hurled it as
+hard as I could at the potential destroyer of my peace. The black cat
+was no sportsman. It dodged, and disappeared hastily on the Trumpington
+side. At the same moment from behind a large clump of hollyhocks I heard
+the sudden cry of a strong man in pain, followed by a stilled oath. I
+squatted down instantly behind a thick rosebush; then, rising to peer
+cautiously, I saw a most painful sight. I saw the horrible
+transformation which may be caused in the features of an ordinary and
+amiable man by an access of sudden rage and the impact of a brambled
+golf-ball on the end of the nose. I squatted again.</p>
+
+<p>"Confound the infernal fool! Who did that?" said the face of Mr.
+Trumpington, looking through the hollyhock peepholes, the buds of which
+rapidly began to turn from a lightish pink to deep rose.</p>
+
+<p>It is always a more dignified policy to ignore a man in a temper, so it
+was not until about ten minutes had elapsed, and silence reigned, that I
+crawled painfully away into safety.</p>
+
+<p>About five minutes later a note was brought round by hand from next
+door. It ran as follows:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Trumpington will feel greatly obliged if Mr. Brown will prevent his
+black cat from constantly straying upon his, Mr. Trumpington's,
+flower-beds. He also requests that when Mr. Brown wishes to persecute
+his black cat he should not do so when the animal is sitting on Mr.
+Trumpington's wall, as this practice is attended with considerable risk
+to Mr. Trumpington's life and limbs."</p>
+
+<p>I sat down and wrote a reply.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Brown," I said, "greatly regrets that a golf-ball playfully thrown
+at Mr. Trumpington's black cat whilst sitting on his, Mr. Brown's, wall,
+should have caused annoyance to Mr. Trumpington."</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>When I went out into the garden on the following day I could see Mr.
+Trumpington's head, tastefully framed in pink hollyhock buds, apparently
+following the spoor of a green-fly. He looked up almost at once and
+caught my eye, but made no sign of recognition. I breathed a sigh of
+relief. Thank heaven, I thought to myself, the worst has not happened.
+The danger that I feared yesterday has blown over. There is no immediate
+prospect of Mr. Trumpington and myself becoming boon companions. I
+strolled a little further down the path, and, still occupying its old
+strategic position on the party-wall and licking its fur in the sun, I
+beheld the black cat.</p>
+
+<p>As I approached him he smiled an ambiguous smile, and jumped down once
+more upon Trumpington soil. A wave of great friendliness for the unhappy
+quadruped swept over me. "Persecute," I thought; "not likely." I went
+indoors and, after a short consultation with Harriet, came out again
+carrying a small round fish-cake on a spoon. I lobbed it far and wide
+over the wall, and it fell noiselessly and quite in the middle of Mr.
+Trumpington's most buttony calceolaria-bed. Some time later I was
+rewarded by the sight of a black cat stealing with a look of grateful
+memory on its face towards the Trumpington back-door.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%;">
+<a href="images/149.png">
+<img src="images/149.png" width="100%" alt="a fearful price for shrimp-paste" /></a>
+<p> Customer. "<span class="sc">But that's a fearful price for shrimp-paste</span>."</p>
+<p>Grocer. "<span class="sc">Ah, But these are North Sea shrimps, Madam</span>."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150">[Pg 150]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%;">
+<a href="images/150.png">
+<img src="images/150.png" width="100%" alt="I&#39;d give the German Emperor wot; I would" /></a><br /><br />
+<p>"<span class="sc">I'd give the German Emperor wot; I would, straight. I'd
+pull every feaver aht of 'is 'elmet.</span>"</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE RESTORATIVE POWER OF MUSIC.</h2>
+
+<p>My house, though in the eyes of the rate-collector fully occupied, has
+now for several weeks stood with an unmistakably vacant stare. My cook
+alone, with a young lady friend for company, dwells there. What our
+great ballad-writers call the patter of tiny feet is stilled. The
+seaside has demanded its toll, and I have for a time accompanied the
+evacuating host.</p>
+
+<p>The other day, for a brief space, I returned home&mdash;a home which at the
+first glance seemed to be as I had left it. But as I approached I was
+confronted with a change. The gate, which in normal times used to swing
+shakily on its hinges and keep on chattering against its post (in the
+vain effort to shut) whenever the wind was in its teeth, now leaned
+against an adjacent bush in listless inaction. One of its hinges had
+been broken. I learned the details of the tragedy from the gardener.</p>
+
+<p>It was one of them I-talians, I gathered. Seeing, with the nice instinct
+of their race, that my house must be the abode of
+music-lovers&mdash;detecting this from various subtle signs invisible to
+me&mdash;they had drored their horgan through the gateway and up the grand
+carriage sweep which, leading to the handsome portico entrance, is one
+of the outstanding features of all that well-situated and desirable
+double-fronted brick and carved stone residential property which
+recently I was wise enough to acquire for a mere song. Well, these
+I-talians had drored their instrument up the drive and played to the
+front door for ten minutes. The cook and her friend, I learned
+afterwards, heard them and, being satisfied to enjoy the entertainment
+without payment, had remained out of sight. For ten minutes they played,
+the man turning the handle, his wife smiling and bowing to the windows.
+Then, in the fine frenzy known to all great artists who are
+unrecognised, they drored it down again to the gate. The fine frenzy was
+proved by the fury with which the woman flung wide the portal that the
+horgan might be drored out. She flung it back too far, and the hinge, a
+soulless thing of cast-iron, snapped.</p>
+
+<p>The gardener&mdash;no musician&mdash;who had happened to see them arrive, and,
+anticipating trouble, had been watching unperceived, hurried to the
+scene of the catastrophe.</p>
+
+<p>"I knowed they was a-goin' to do it," he said, "the 'inge bein' in a bad
+way already. It's lucky there was a policeman 'andy. I said you'd 'ave
+the law of 'em."</p>
+
+<p>"But I don't want the law of them," I protested.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, they're going to pay for a new 'inge any'ow."</p>
+
+<p>"Rather hard luck on them, isn't it? I can't make them do that."</p>
+
+<p>"Don't you worry your 'ead, Sir," said the gardener. "It don't come out
+of their pocket. All these I-talians is run by one man. Millionaire, so
+they tells me. Any'ow, it's settled now."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, perhaps it'll teach them to be more careful."</p>
+
+<p>"I 'ope not, Sir," said the gardener. "'Ave another one or two of 'em in
+'ere, and we'll get the gate so as it won't bang."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>Science for the Young.</h3>
+
+<center>"Aunt Phemie" in <i>The Globe</i>:&mdash;</center>
+
+<center>"A hen is a bird and not an animal."</center>
+
+<p>This official statement will come as a great surprise to all our
+feathered friends.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"He no longer on his return would proclaim to his brother that he
+had beaten old Major Waggett (his especial foe) by two up and three
+to play."&mdash;<i>Methuen's Annual.</i></p></div>
+
+<p>And why not? Because his brother had just bought a shilling book called
+"Golf for the Beginner." However, he could still tell his Aunt Lavinia,
+who knew no better.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151">[Pg 151]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%;">
+<a href="images/151.png">
+<img src="images/151.png" width="100%" alt="FOR FRIENDSHIP AND HONOUR." /></a>
+<h3>FOR FRIENDSHIP AND HONOUR.</h3>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152">[Pg 152]</a></span></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153">[Pg 153]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+
+<center>(<span class="sc">Extracted from the Diary of Toby</span>, M.P.)</center>
+
+
+<p><i>House of Commons, Monday, Aug.</i> 3.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;When Edward Grey stood at Table to make momentous statement on
+position of Great Britain confronted by spectacle of Europe in arms, he
+faced a memorable scene. House crowded from floor to topmost range of
+Strangers' Gallery. <span class="sc">Lansdowne</span>, "<span class="sc">Bobs</span>," <span class="sc">George Curzon</span> and other Peers
+looked on and listened. Amongst them <span class="sc">Lord Chief Justice</span> for first time
+obtained view of House from novel point of vantage.</p>
+
+<p>Owing to spread of complications, supply of Ambassadors accustomed to
+repair to Diplomatic Gallery restricted. No room for Germany to-day.
+Absent, too, the popular figure of Austro-Hungarian Ambassador, familiar
+these many years in London Society. Russia, Spain, Sweden and Greece
+were there in the persons of their representatives; and Belgium,
+conscious that words about to be uttered were big with her fate.</p>
+
+<p>The sight they looked down upon was strange and moving. Setting of scene
+worthy of drama which finds no full parallel in world's history. Keen
+eyes accustomed to study potentialities of nations discerned in the
+gathering a new portentous fact. A week ago to-day political parties in
+House of Commons preserved customary attitude of hostility. Across the
+floor they snapped at each other distrust and dislike. Long-brooding
+revolt of armed forces in Ireland had leaped into flame. Mob and
+military had come to blows. Victims of the affray lay dead in the
+streets of Dublin. In the House rancour between Unionists and Home
+Rulers increasingly bitter.</p>
+
+<p>Here was opportunity for loyal and trusted friend on the Continent to
+play long-planned game. England's difficulty was Germany's opportunity.
+Swiftly, unscrupulously, taken advantage of.</p>
+
+<p>Foreign Representatives to-day beheld a startling transformation. Party
+lines obliterated. <span class="sc">Leader of the Opposition</span>, whose conduct throughout
+crisis has been splendidly patriotic, rallied his forces to the side of
+Ministers.</p>
+
+<p>"Whatever steps they think it necessary to take for the honour and
+security of this country," he said amid burst of general cheering, "they
+can rely upon the unhesitating support of the Opposition."</p>
+
+<p>This attitude, in full accordance with highest tradition of British
+Party politics, not unexpected. Glad surprise followed when <span class="sc">John Redmond</span>
+assured the Government they might forthwith withdraw from Ireland every
+man of their troops.</p>
+
+<p>"The coasts of Ireland," he added, "will be defended from foreign
+invasion by our armed sons. For this purpose Nationalist Catholics in
+the South will be only too glad to join hands with armed Protestant
+Ulstermen in the North."</p>
+
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 30%;">
+<a href="images/153.png">
+<img src="images/153.png" width="100%" alt="Sir Edward Grey."/></a>
+<span class="caption">IN A JUST CAUSE.</span><br /><br />
+(Sir <span class="sc">Edward Grey</span>.)
+</div>
+
+<p>"The last time I saw rows of chairs brought in and set down on floor of
+the House for convenience of Members who could not find room elsewhere,"
+mused the <span class="sc">Member for Sark</span>, looking on from one of the side galleries,
+"was in 1886, when <span class="sc">Gladstone</span> introduced his first Home Rule Bill. Twelve
+months earlier, under guidance of Land League, Ireland was in a parlous
+state. Coercion Act in full force. Jails thronged with patriots
+convicted under its rigorous clauses. Still there were left at liberty
+enough to maim cattle and shoot at landlords. If Germany had happened to
+step in at that epoch it would have been a perilous time for England.
+The House of Commons after many years' hesitation has offered to bestow
+Home Rule upon Ireland and this is Ireland's first articulate response.
+Her Nationalists range themselves with Ulster by the side of Great
+Britain threatened by a foreign foe."</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;<span class="sc">Foreign Secretary</span>, amid prolonged cheers, announces
+that England means to stand by France in the coming war, and will fulfil
+her Treaty obligations to Belgium.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tuesday.</i>&mdash;Rising from Treasury Bench <span class="sc">Premier</span> walked down House as if
+he were about to leave it by glass door. Reaching the Bar he halted and
+turned about to face crowded benches watching him with quickened
+anxiety. Grave events have within the last few days made him the Herald
+of War. What might be this new missive he held in his hand?</p>
+
+<p>"A message from <span class="sc">His Majesty</span>," he said, "signed by his own hand."</p>
+
+<p>Advancing to Table he handed document to the Clerk who passed it on to
+<span class="sc">Speaker</span>. All heads were bared as Message was read. It announced that
+Proclamation would forthwith issue mobilising the Regular Army and
+embodying Territorial Forces.</p>
+
+<p>This the significant supplement to statement made by <span class="sc">Premier</span> immediately
+on <span class="sc">Speaker</span> taking the Chair. It told how telegram had that morning been
+sent to German Government demanding assurance of maintenance of Belgian
+neutrality.</p>
+
+<p>"We have asked," said the <span class="sc">Premier</span> as quietly as if he were mentioning
+request for early reply to a dinner invitation, "that a satisfactory
+answer shall be given before midnight."</p>
+
+<p>House knew what that meant. On the stroke of midnight Great Britain and
+Germany would be at war.</p>
+
+<p>A cheer almost fierce in its intensity approved the epoch-making
+challenge. The House knew that England's hands were clean; that she was
+spotlessly free from responsibility for the slaughter and sorrow, the
+destruction of prosperous cities, the devastation of fruitful lands, the
+breaking-up of Empires, that might follow on Germany's final
+jack-booting of the emissary of peace.</p>
+
+<p>Since the danger-signal was flung out by thrusting to the front the
+puppet figure of aged <span class="sc">Austrian Emperor</span> making ponderous attack on little
+Servia, <span class="sc">Edward Grey</span>, representing a Ministry supported by a loyal
+Parliament and a united Kingdom, has night and day been tireless in
+effort to avert war. If yielded to, such interference would be fatal to
+plans, diligently elaborated in the dark over a period of months,
+probably a full year, by our old friend and frequent guest, the <span class="sc">German
+Emperor</span>.</p>
+
+<p>Accordingly, after maintaining till last moment favourite disguise of
+peacemaker "on easy terms with Heaven,"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154">[Pg 154]</a></span> <span class="sc">William</span>, innocent sufferer by
+"the menace of France," throws aside the cloak.</p>
+
+<p>House of Commons' immediate response was to pass in five minutes all
+outstanding votes for Army, Navy and Civil Services amounting to
+&pound;104,642,055.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;<span class="sc">Premier</span> announces dispatch of ultimatum to Berlin and
+imperative demand for answer before midnight.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 50%;">
+<a href="images/154.png">
+<img src="images/154.png" width="100%" alt="ONE TOUCH OF POTSDAM" /></a>
+<span class="caption">"ONE TOUCH OF POTSDAM...."</span>
+<p>Sir <span class="sc">Edward Carson</span>. "A marvellous diplomatist, this German <span class="sc">Kaiser</span>."</p>
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">John Redmond</span>. "Yes, he's made comrades of us when everybody else had
+failed."</p>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Wednesday.</i>&mdash;Benches less crowded than hitherto during week of
+tumultuous interest. Explanation forthcoming in fact that something like
+a hundred Members belonging to Territorial Service have buckled on their
+armour and responded to call of mobilisation.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Premier's</span> announcement that "since eleven o'clock last night a state of
+war has existed between Germany and ourselves" hailed with deep-throated
+cheer. Its volume nothing compared with that which burst forth when he
+concluded statement with casual remark that to-morrow he will move a
+Vote of Credit for one hundred millions sterling. Had he mentioned the
+sum as an instalment paid in advance by Germany on account of war
+indemnity House couldn't have been more jubilant.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Byles</span> of Bradford uneasy in regard to Bill introduced by <span class="sc">Home Secretary</span>
+authorising imposition of restrictions upon aliens in time of war or
+great emergency. Thinks it might cause inconvenience to worthy persons.
+Otherwise Government receive unanimous support for various legislative
+proposals rendered necessary by state of war.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Chancellor of Exchequer</span> reports conclusions arrived at in conference of
+leading bankers and manufacturers met at the Treasury to consider best
+way of grappling with unprecedented financial situation created by
+events of past fortnight. Happy thought to include in invitation his
+predecessor at the Treasury. In accordance with patriotic spirit
+obliterating party animosity, <span class="sc">Son Austen</span> promptly accepted invitation.
+Gives valuable assistance to <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span> in recommending proposals to
+appreciative House.</p>
+
+<p>In short, whatever may be happening in Belgium or the North Sea,
+Millennium reigns at Westminster.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Many Bills advanced by various stages.</p>
+
+<p><i>Thursday.</i>&mdash;In moving Vote of Credit for one hundred million sterling
+<span class="sc">Premier</span> wholesomely lets himself go in comment on the "infamous
+proposal" of Germany that for a mess of pottage (extremely thin) England
+should betray her ally, France. Crowded House loudly sympathised with
+righteous indignation.</p>
+
+<p>Fresh burst of cheering when he pays finely phrased tribute to <span class="sc">Edward
+Grey</span>, as the "Peacemaker of Europe."</p>
+
+<p>Captain Lord <span class="sc">Dalrymple</span> of the Scots Guards lends opportune gleam of
+martial splendour to bench where he sits arrayed in khaki uniform that
+has seen service in the Boer War. The <span class="sc">Premier's</span> eye catching a glimpse
+of it, he with great presence of mind asked for authority to strengthen
+the army by an additional half-million of men.</p>
+
+<p>In its present mood the House denies him nothing.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Vote of Credit for &pound;100,000,000 granted with both
+hands.</p>
+
+<p><i>Monday, Aug. 10.</i>&mdash;House adjourned till Tuesday the 25th.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>The Mad Dog of Europe.</h3>
+
+
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">"The dog, to serve some private ends,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Went mad and bit the man.</span><br />
+
+<hr class="light" />
+
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">The man recovered from the bite;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">The dog it was that died."</span>
+<p class="author"><i>Goldsmith.</i></p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<h3>"SCHOOL PLAYGROUNDS.</h3>
+
+<p>'THE PROPOSAL TO DECREASE THEIR SIZE TO THE EDITOR Of 'THE TIMES.'"</p>
+<p class="author"><i>The Times.</i></p>
+<p>And to increase it, we hope, to Mr. <span class="sc">Chesterton</span>.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>MR. PUNCH'S HOLIDAY STORIES.</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>Constructed after the best models.</i>)</center>
+
+<p>I.&mdash;<span class="sc">An Alpine Adventure.</span></p>
+
+<p>(Concluded.)</p>
+
+<p>[<i><span class="sc">Synopsis of Preceding Instalment</span></i>:&mdash;<i>Ralph Wonderson, the famous
+athlete, while on a mountaineering expedition in Switzerland, encounters
+Lady Margaret Tamerton, whom he has not seen since childhood. With her
+are her brother, Lord Tamerton; her cousin, Sir Ernest Scrivener; and
+three Swiss guides. They combine to make an ascent of the Wetterhorn
+under Ralph's leadership. Early in the climb Ralph discovers that Sir
+Ernest Scrivener is none other than his own mortal foe, Marmaduke
+Moorsdyke. A perilous traverse of a glacier has to be undertaken. All
+cross in safety except Sir Ernest, who makes imprudent remark which
+causes a line of overhanging</i> seracs <i>to collapse upon him and sweep him
+down the glacier. Ralph dives unhesitatingly to the rescue of his
+deadliest foe.</i>]</p>
+
+
+<p>Rather than face a second traverse of the awful glacier the remaining
+members of the party continued the ascent. With shaken nerves they
+pressed on to the best of their ability, but it was nearly dark when
+they at length reached the summit, hoping to find another and easier
+route to the foot.</p>
+
+<p>But luck was against them. A devastating blizzard enveloped them, and
+they lay huddled together behind a rock, chilled to the bone by the
+driving particles of ice and snow.</p>
+
+<p>"There is no escape," said Lord Tamerton mournfully to his sister, Lady
+Margaret. "We must prepare to meet our deaths like true mountaineers."</p>
+
+<p>"True fiddlesticks!" replied Lady Margaret with spirit. "Ralph will come
+back to us."</p>
+
+<p>"Do you love him, Madge?" asked her brother.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," she replied simply.</p>
+
+<p>"Then he will surely come back."</p>
+
+<p>Even as he spoke a tall figure loomed out of the blizzard and raised his
+hat with cold formality.</p>
+
+<p>"Your cousin is safe in the hospital at Interlaken," said Ralph,
+addressing Lord Tamerton with marked constraint. "He has merely
+sustained a fractured patella. With your permission we will now
+descend."</p>
+
+<p>"What is the matter, Ralph?" cried Lady Margaret pleadingly; but,
+ignoring her question, he busied himself in tying on the rope.</p>
+
+<p>The descent which followed is still spoken of with bated breath by the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155">[Pg 155]</a></span>
+Swiss guides, than whom there is no more generous body of men in the
+world.</p>
+
+<p>Unerringly Ralph led his companions through ar&ecirc;tes, glissades,
+bergschrunds, r&uuml;cksacs, gendarmes, vorwaerts, couloirs, aiguilles, never
+hesitating, never flinching from any obstacle, heedless, it seemed,
+alike of the raging blizzard and the ever-thickening darkness. At times
+he was obliged to carry the others one by one along razor edges of hard
+blue ice. At times he would cling precariously by one hand to a
+projecting splinter of rock, while with the other he lowered them all
+bodily into the depths of a crevasse, gripping his ice-axe meanwhile
+steadfastly between his teeth. Once at least he was compelled to hang
+downwards by his toes while he hewed steps beneath him in a
+perpendicular wall of ice. And through it all his face retained its
+stern impassivity and he addressed no word to his exhausted companions.</p>
+
+<p>At length the most wonderful feat in the history of climbing was
+finished, and the party, weary but thankful, stood at the foot of the
+mountain.</p>
+
+<p>The three guides fell on their knees before their rescuer, but he
+ignored them and turned his cold, hard gaze upon Lady Margaret.</p>
+
+<p>"You are now safe," he said icily. "My presence is no longer necessary.
+Take the third turning on the left, the second on the right and the
+fifth on the left, and then ask again. Before I leave I ought perhaps to
+congratulate you upon your approaching marriage to your&mdash;er&mdash;amiable
+cousin;" and without waiting for a reply he was gone.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Alone, Ralph Wonderson sat upon a rock and reflected that no food had
+passed his lips since that hurried breakfast in the Fahrjoch Hut.
+Wearily he drew out a packet of sandwiches from his pocket.</p>
+
+<p>A moment later he was racing back to his former companions. In his day
+he had been half-mile champion, but now he knocked a full minute off his
+previous best time.</p>
+
+<p>He found the others as he had left them. Lady Margaret looked up with a
+glad cry as he flew round the corner.</p>
+
+<p>"Madge," he cried, waving the piece of newspaper which had been wrapped
+round his sandwiches,&mdash;"Madge, you <i>can't</i> marry him!"</p>
+
+<p>Lord Tamerton leaped forward with a white face. "What do you mean?" he
+hissed. "You are mad. She <i>must</i> marry him, or the family is ruined."</p>
+
+<p>"She <i>can't</i> marry him," repeated Ralph calmly. "Sir Ernest Scrivener
+<i>alias</i> Marmaduke Moorsdyke is married already! Read this."</p>
+
+<p>And he thrust the fragment of newspaper into Lord Tamerton's hand.</p>
+
+<p>With a low cry of content Lady Margaret fell into her lover's arms. "Oh,
+my dear!" she murmured.</p>
+
+<p>And as they stood clasped in a close embrace the clouds parted and far,
+far above them appeared the beautiful white summit of the Wetterhorn
+shining dazzlingly in the sunlight.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%;">
+<a href="images/155.png">
+<img src="images/155.png" width="100%" alt="BUSINESS AS USUAL DURING ALTERATIONS." /></a>
+<h3>BUSINESS AS USUAL DURING ALTERATIONS.</h3>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>Spit for Spat.</h3>
+
+<p>Orator, in Hyde Park:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"An' when the German Ambassador left St. Petersburg 'e spat in the
+Russian Ambassador's face. An' the Russian Ambassador in Berlin 'e
+spat in the German Ambassador's face."</p></div>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<h3>In Order of Merit?</h3>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"Full reports of the Petersfield Gymkhana, Eastmeon Show, and
+Liphook Horticultural Exhibition and Sports, will be published in
+to-morrow's issue of the 'Hampshire Telegraph and Post,' which will
+contain also a complete record of news of the Great European
+War."&mdash;<i>Portsmouth Evening News.</i></p></div>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The following letter was addressed to a Hong Kong chaplain by his
+orderly:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"Pleas sur excuse me this morning for I ham sitting for my examining
+asion at the peak schools for my certificate sur and I will be down
+as soon as possible sur to deliver the letters sur And if I ant
+there before you go away sur put the keys under the steeps sur."</p></div>
+
+<p>We feel confident he passed all right.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156">[Pg 156]</a></span></p><hr />
+
+<h2>ON ACTIVE SERVICE.</h2>
+
+<p>Every August Bank Holiday we have a short Mixed Open Tournament at our
+lawn-tennis club. It's quite a small, homely affair, but as our
+President, Sir Benjamin Boogles, always offers two valuable prizes
+(hall-marked), every member who can possibly enter does so. Each year
+hitherto the Tournament has been finished in the one day; but this year
+it is not finished yet&mdash;in fact, in one instance the first game of the
+first set is still undecided, and the winners in the other sets are
+anxiously awaiting the result in order that the second round may proceed
+before the end of the season. As I am one of the actors&mdash;I might almost
+say the protagonist&mdash;in this protracted drama, I will explain the
+position.</p>
+
+<p>Wilbrooke, our crack player, who can easily give most of us forty and a
+bonus of five games in the set, and still beat us, recently became
+engaged to Pattie Blobson, who is a hopeless rabbit at the game, this
+being her first season. Not unnaturally she insisted on his entering the
+Tournament with her. I always enter with Joan, and though we are neither
+of us exactly rabbits it would be rather hard to find a zoological term
+that would fittingly describe our standard of play. Of course there is
+no handicapping in "Opens," and Joan and I usually reckon to be knocked
+out in the second round at latest, though we did once get into the third
+round owing to one of our opponents, a doctor, being summoned to a case
+in the middle of play.</p>
+
+<p>Now this year we both thought our tennis would be over for the day after
+the first quarter of an hour, as we were drawn to play our first round
+against Wilbrooke and Pattie. However, I won the toss, and to that fact
+the subsequent <i>impasse</i> may be attributed. I elected to serve first,
+leaving Wilbrooke the choice of sides. The sun was not shining, so there
+was little in it from the point of view of light; but the east end of
+the court is just a trifle higher than the other, so he chose that.</p>
+
+<p>I served first, and though I never peg them in to rabbits, I felt
+justified in sending down a medium-paced ball in my partner's interests.
+It pitched correctly, broke (unintentionally) and buried itself in
+Pattie's skirt.</p>
+
+<p>Fifteen-love.</p>
+
+<p>I banged my first ball to Wilbrooke with all my might. It fell within
+the Club precincts, but that's the best I can urge for it. My second was
+an easy lob, which he smashed, and, in spite of my efforts to give it a
+clear path, it caught me in the small of the back.</p>
+
+<p>Fifteen-all.</p>
+
+<p>My next serve to Pattie was a fault, which I followed up with an
+ordinary "donkey" drop, towards which she rushed in the impetuous
+fashion characteristic of the genuine rabbit, with the result that it
+bounced scathless over her head.</p>
+
+<p>Thirty-fifteen.</p>
+
+<p>I then got a fast ball over to Wilbrooke, but returning it was child's
+play to him, and he drove it like lightning down the centre-line before
+I had time to call "Leave it to you, partner."</p>
+
+<p>Thirty-all.</p>
+
+<p>Again I served Pattie a fault. At the second attempt the ball performed
+Blondin tricks on the wire of the net, and for one of those "moments big
+as years" I feared we had lost the game, the service to Wilbrooke being
+a mere formality; but fortunately the ball fell the other side of the
+net, and my third delivery Pattie tipped to the wicket-keeper.</p>
+
+<p>Forty-thirty.</p>
+
+<p>I now determined to send two&mdash;if necessary&mdash;fast ones to Wilbrooke on
+the chance that one might shoot and be unplayable. But my first ball
+went into the net, and the <i>locale</i> of the second can only be dimly
+surmised, for it went over the fence into the open country.</p>
+
+<p>Deuce.</p>
+
+<p>It was at this point that I began to realize that so long as I did not
+serve a double-fault to Pattie, Wilbrooke could never win the game, and
+when we had played nine more deuces I communicated the intelligence to
+Joan. Meanwhile, the other sets had all finished, and the players came
+up to see why we were still hard at it. At the twenty-fourth deuce the
+Tournament secretary remarked: "Last game, I suppose? Hurry up, we can't
+get on." I explained to him that this was only the first game of the
+set, and that similar prolongations were likely to recur when my partner
+served in the third game and I again in the fifth.</p>
+
+<p>The news spread rapidly, and for a time we were the most unpopular
+quartet in the Club; but by the time we had reached our eighty-third
+deuce, and luncheon (the gift of Lady Boggles) was served, hunger and
+anger began to abate simultaneously, and the situation was discussed
+with humour to the exclusion of all other topics. At the end of the
+morning's play I was certainly feeling a trifle done up, but it says
+much for the recuperative properties of chicken galantine and junket
+that after the interval I felt quite invigorated and good for service
+<i>ad infinitum</i>. Efforts were made to induce us to toss for the set, but
+neither of us would consent to this, Wilbrooke maintaining that under
+normal conditions I could not possibly win the game, and I arguing that
+under existing conditions&mdash;with which I was more intimately concerned&mdash;I
+could not possibly lose it, and therefore to toss would be a mockery.
+Thus there was no alternative but to play on.</p>
+
+<p>I suggested to Joan that as her presence on the court was not strictly
+essential she should join in a friendly set with some of the other
+unemployed. But she would not hear of it. She wanted to be in at the
+finish, if there was ever going to be a finish, she said; and so we
+continued.</p>
+
+<p>When we were summoned to tea (kindly provided gratis by Miss Vera
+Boogles) we had amassed 265 deuces, and though my right arm ached and my
+service was a trifle wobbly I was still scoring the vantage point (and
+losing it at once) with the utmost regularity. But the temporary
+cessation of hostilities, associated with about half-a-pound of Swiss
+roll and three Chelsea buns, served to restore me, and after tea we went
+at it again until half-past seven, when, with the score at 394 deuces,
+the net got tired and collapsed, and we adjourned.</p>
+
+<p>We have since met on every available evening in our endeavours to bring
+the game to a conclusion; but the score is still deuce, and at that it
+will probably remain unless one of the following contingencies arises:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>(1) Pattie may improve so much with the constant practice that she will
+be able to return my service; in which case it will settle the game, for
+wherever we put the ball Wilbrooke is bound to get hold of it and drive
+or smash it so that we can't return it.</p>
+
+<p>(2) I may serve Pattie a double-fault. But I am now in splendid
+training; my right biceps is like a cricket-ball, and I feel that I
+could serve all day without tiring. Besides, the quality of my service
+is improving, which counteracts, in a measure, the possible improvement
+in Pattie's game.</p>
+
+<p>(3) We may get a bright sunshiny evening, when the sun will be straight
+in Wilbrooke's eyes; in which case, with my improved service, I may
+possibly get a fast ball over which he will be unable to see.</p>
+
+<p>Anyway, it is now certain that I belong to the Bulldog Breed.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>Sir <span class="sc">Ernest Shackleton</span> as reported in <i>The Evening News</i>:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"The last articles which we took on board were two gramophones with
+a large number of records and a case of hyacinth blubs."</p></div>
+
+<p>The last-named are often mistaken for spring onions by those who come
+too near with their lachrymal nerves.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157">[Pg 157]</a></span></p><hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%;">
+<a href="images/157.png">
+<img src="images/157.png" width="100%" alt="A SONG FOR THE HOLIDAYS." /></a>
+<h3>A SONG FOR THE HOLIDAYS.</h3>
+"<span class="sc">Where my caravan has rested</span>."
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks</i>.)</center>
+
+<p>As in the enervating luxury of peace, so in the stern stringency of war
+we have always a use, and a good use too, for the humourist. But he must
+be a jester of the right sort; not bitter nor flippant, not over
+boisterous nor too "intellectual." Humour for humour's sake is what we
+want, and in these anxious hours something to make us laugh quietly and
+unhysterically, if only by way of temporary relief. Mr. <span class="sc">Ian Hay</span> hits the
+mark about eight times in every ten in <i>A Knight on Wheels</i> (<span class="sc">Hodder and
+Stoughton</span>), which is not at all a bad proportion for three hundred and
+nineteen pages. He has some delightful ideas, which, happily, he does
+not overwork: a case in point is the brief but rapid career of <i>Uncle
+Joseph</i>, who employs the most criminal methods in order to attain the
+most charitable ends. The story is a simple one&mdash;youth, laughter and
+love; and the motor car plays an important but not a tiresome part in
+it. The author's attitude towards women is slightly cynical but very
+lighthearted, and clearly he loves them all the time: indeed, I think
+Mr. <span class="sc">Hay</span>, while alive to existing faults, loves everything and everybody.
+In return most people will be prepared to love him. And he deserves to
+be loved for the sake of a book which has a happy beginning, a happy
+middle and a happy end, together with lots of incidental laughter.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"There is a teacup storm in the Close, I hear. The Dean altered the time
+of closing the Minster for summer cleaning or some such trifle, and did
+not consult the Chapter, which had already made its holiday
+arrangements." This sentence, chosen at random from <i>Quisquiliae</i>, the
+diary of <i>Henry Savile</i>, will do well enough to support my contention
+that <i>Dr. Ashford and His Neighbours</i> (<span class="sc">Murray</span>) is going to be a great
+boon to the cathedral cities of our Midland shires. Under the form of a
+narrative of social life in Sunningwell, Dr. <span class="sc">Warre Cornish</span> has elected
+to arrange his views on religion, art, literature, politics and the
+questions of the day, sometimes putting them into the mouths of his
+characters and sometimes into the note-book of the afore-mentioned
+<i>Henry Savile</i>, a leisured cripple whose disquisitions on letters and on
+people are, if a trifle rambling, at any rate delightfully critical and
+much more interesting and profound than certain others which flow
+periodically from the windows of cloistered retreats. <i>Mr. Henry Savile</i>
+quotes from the Classics perhaps a little too freely for the taste of a
+decadent age, and his friends, <i>Dr. Ashford, Lady Grace</i>, the bishop's
+wife, Olive, her niece, and <i>Philip Daly</i>, nephew of an archdeacon and
+parliamentary candidate for Sunningwell, would be a little more amusing
+if they were treated in a more Trollopian manner, and did not so
+faithfully discuss the burning controversies of the time. But, after
+all, the great excitement in <i>Dr. Ashford and His Neighbours</i> (and I
+really cannot advise any resident in&mdash;shall we say Mercia?&mdash;to be
+without it) is the chance it affords for such questions as: Who is the
+Dean? Does the author really mean Canon X? Are we living in Sunningwell,
+or is it L&mdash;&mdash;? Even I myself, in this metropolitan backwater, have made
+one or two ingenious guesses, but wild taxicabs would not drag them from
+me.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158">[Pg 158]</a></span>
+
+<p>At this time of day to attempt criticism upon a new novel by Miss <span class="sc">Rhoda
+Broughton</span> seems almost impertinent. The tens of thousands to whom she
+has given such pleasure before now would probably be willing to read
+anything that was put before them with the guarantee of her name.
+Fortunately in the case of <i>Concerning a Vow</i> (<span class="sc">Stanley Paul</span>) this
+confidence would be by no means misplaced. I can say at once, with my
+hand upon my reviewer's heart, that in freshness and vivacity and power
+of sprightly character-drawing here is a story that need fear comparison
+with none of its most popular predecessors. The vow of the title was
+that exacted by <i>Meg Champneys</i> on her death-bed from her sister
+<i>Sally</i>, binding the latter not to marry <i>Edward Branley</i>. <i>Edward</i>, in
+some fashion that was never made quite clear to me, had previously
+jilted both the sisters. But this all happened before the beginning of
+the book. In it poor <i>Edward</i> is made so pitiable and heart-broken a
+figure that I found it hard to credit his previous infidelities.
+However, most of the other characters detested him, and said that
+nothing was too bad for him; and as they themselves were delightful and
+quite human people I am ready to suppose that they had their reasons. Of
+course <i>Edward</i> and <i>Sally</i> were really in love all the time, and of
+course too they find resistance to this impossible; though I must own
+that their method of circumventing the vow reminded me dangerously of
+the young man who used a cigarette-holder because he had been told to
+keep away from tobacco. I speak flippantly; but as a matter of fact the
+story of <i>Edward</i> and <i>Sally</i> is not free from tragedy, very simply and
+movingly told. If <i>Concerning a Vow</i> does not add to Miss <span class="sc">Broughton's</span>
+popularity it will only be because this is impossible; it certainly will
+do nothing to lessen it.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 30%;">
+<a href="images/158.png">
+<img src="images/158.png" width="100%" alt="What is your opinion of the
+aeroplane as a military asset" /></a>
+<p><i>Barber</i> (<i>to victim</i>). "<span class="sc">What is your opinion of the
+aeroplane as a military asset</span>?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>I think that Mr. W. R. <span class="sc">Titterton</span> is a little late in the day; his book,
+<i>Me as a Model</i> (<span class="sc">Palmer</span>), recalls happy memories of that past and
+already romantic period when <i>Trilby</i> was the talk of the hour and Paris
+the centre of all Bohemian licence. Mr. <span class="sc">Titterton</span> has the <span class="sc">Du Maurier</span>
+manner, but his jocular skittishness, aided by asterisks, exclamation
+marks and suspensive dots, has curiously little behind it. It is not
+enough to-day to paint the gay impropriety of models and the
+devil-may-care penury of lighthearted artists. <i>Trilby</i> began the
+movement, <i>Louise</i> ended it, and Mr. <span class="sc">Titterton</span> is behind his day. I am
+glad, however, to learn that he was so splendid a model. The students at
+<span class="sc">Julien's</span> fall back aghast before his magnificent figure, and now, in
+every gallery in Europe, sculptures and paintings of Mr. <span class="sc">Titterton</span> are
+to be seen by the vulgar crowd, very often for no charge at all; and
+that, of course, is delightful for Europe. And, according to his title,
+that is doubtless the final impression that the author wishes to convey.
+I intend on my next trip abroad to search for Mr. <span class="sc">Titterton</span> in all the
+galleries. My only means of discovery are the pictures of the author
+with which his book is filled, and here, if the illustrator (a very
+clever fellow) is to be trusted, I am frankly puzzled by the attitude at
+<span class="sc">Julien's</span> towards their model. There is very little in these
+illustrations to justify it.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>If I am not mistaken, <i>The Jam Queen</i> (<span class="sc">Methuen</span>) marks the first
+incursion of Miss <span class="sc">Netta Syrett</span> into humorous fiction. In that, or any,
+case, she has written a story which deserves a considerable success.
+<i>The Jam Queen</i> is to a large extent what would be called in drama a
+one-part affair. There are plenty of other characters, many of them
+drawn with much unforced skill, but the personality of the protagonist,
+the Jam Queen herself, overshadows the rest. <i>Mrs. Quilter</i> is an
+abiding joy. There have been plutocratic elderly women, uneducated but
+agreeable, in a hundred novels before this; but I recall few that have
+been treated so honestly or with so much genuine sympathy. Mind you,
+Miss <span class="sc">Syrett</span> is no sentimentalist. Ill-directed philanthropy, Girtonian
+super-culture, the simple life with its complexities of square-cut
+gowns and bare feet&mdash;all these come beneath the lash of a satire that is
+delicate but unsparing. Yet with it all she has, as every good satirist
+should have, a quick appreciation of the good qualities of her victims.
+Even <i>Frederick</i>, the pious, as contrasted with the flippant, nephew of
+aunt <i>Quilter&mdash;Frederick</i>, with his futile institute for people who want
+none of it, his blind pedantry, and his actual dishonesty in what he
+considers a worthy cause&mdash;even he is punished no further than his actual
+deserving. Perhaps in telling you that <i>Mrs. Quilter</i> has two nephews,
+an idle and an industrious one, I have told you enough of the scheme. It
+is, after all, no great matter. <i>Mrs. Quilter</i> must be the reason for
+your reading the book, and your reward. She is real jam.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The tales Miss <span class="sc">Ethel Dell</span> includes Within <i>The Swindler</i> (<span class="sc">Unwin</span>) pleased
+me,</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Not by their thrills or interludes</p>
+<p class="i2">Of tenderness&mdash;these hardly seized me;</p>
+<p class="i0">Not by their people, though the pack</p>
+<p class="i2">Were amiable and pleasant creatures,</p>
+<p class="i0">Barring the villains who were black</p>
+<p class="i2">And villainous in all their features.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">By none of these my pulse was jerked</p>
+<p class="i2">Out of its normal calm condition,</p>
+<p class="i0">But by the plots, with which I worked</p>
+<p class="i2">A quite exciting competition;</p>
+<p class="i0">A point was mine if, at the start,</p>
+<p class="i2">I guessed the way a yarn was tending;</p>
+<p class="i0">Miss <span class="sc">Dell's</span>, if by consummate art</p>
+<p class="i2">She failed to use the obvious ending.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">The first two tales she won on; three</p>
+<p class="i2">And four were mine; five hers; six, seven</p>
+<p class="i0">And eight I got hands down; and she</p>
+<p class="i2">Got square with nine and ten. Eleven</p>
+<p class="i0">Is still unwritten, and I bide</p>
+<p class="i2">Impatiently its birth, for that'll</p>
+<p class="i0">Finally, so I trust, decide</p>
+<p class="i2">The issue of our hard-fought battle.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<hr class="pg" />
+<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOLUME 147, AUGUST 12, 1914***</p>
+<p>******* This file should be named 26119-h.txt or 26119-h.zip *******</p>
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@@ -0,0 +1,2069 @@
+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 147,
+August 12, 1914, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 147, August 12, 1914
+
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: July 24, 2008  [eBook #26119]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII)
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOLUME 147, AUGUST 12, 1914***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer, and the Project
+Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net)
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 26119-h.htm or 26119-h.zip:
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/6/1/1/26119/26119-h/26119-h.htm)
+      or
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/6/1/1/26119/26119-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOL. 147
+
+AUGUST 12, 1914
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+
+A gentleman with a foreign name who was arrested in the neighbourhood of
+the Tyne shipyards last week with measuring gauges and a map in his
+possession explained, on being charged, that he was looking for work. It
+is possible that some hard labour may be found for him.
+
+       * * *
+
+"Members of Parliament will not suffer," was the comfortable statement
+of Mr. JOSIAH WEDGWOOD during a speech on the subject of the War. As a
+matter of fact, owing to the French cooks employed at the House of
+Commons having returned to their country, the _menu_ at the House will
+have to consist, until the end of the session, of plain English fare.
+
+       * * *
+
+The foresight of the British Public in refusing to subscribe the large
+amount of money asked of them for the Olympic Sports in Berlin is now
+apparent.
+
+       * * *
+
+Although still under twenty-one years of age, and therefore not yet
+liable for military service, GEORGES CARPENTIER has gallantly joined the
+colours as a volunteer. It would be pleasant if he and the Russian
+HACKENSCHMIDT could shortly meet in Berlin.
+
+       * * *
+
+A dear old lady writes to say that she was shocked to read that Sir
+ERNEST SHACKLETON'S ship, on leaving the Thames, was hooted at by
+sirens, and that such conduct makes her ashamed of her sex.
+
+       * * *
+
+Meanwhile, thoughtful persons are wondering whether there will be any
+fighting at the South Pole. It will be remembered that the Austrians
+were also fitting out a South Pole expedition, and friendly rivalry
+between the two nations may soon become impossible.
+
+       * * *
+
+The W.S.P.U. has written to the Press to contradict the statement that
+the Union has issued instructions that acts of militancy are to be
+suspended during the European crisis. The Union, we understand,
+considers the statement calculated to cause serious injury to its
+reputation.
+
+       * * *
+
+Which reminds us that _The Liverpool Evening Echo_ was, we fancy, the
+only paper in the country to announce a sensational victory for
+feminism, and we congratulate our contemporary on its _coup_. We refer
+to the following announcement:--"At a meeting of the Fellows of All
+Souls' College, Oxford, Mrs. Francis William Pember was elected Warden
+in place of the late Sir William Anson."
+
+       * * *
+
+The Hon. Sec. of the Fresh Air Fund appeals to ladies to send him their
+hair combings, every pound of which will provide a poor child with a day
+in the country. We like this idea of turning Old Hair into Fresh Air.
+
+       * * *
+
+The London General Omnibus Company is appointing one lady and a number
+of men to act as interpreters and guides. Their costumes, we should say,
+will attract a considerable amount of attention, for the lady, we are
+told, will wear a braided frock coat and black skirt and straw-topped
+peak hat, while the men will work in double shifts.
+
+       * * *
+
+By the way it is rumoured that several of our railway companies intend
+to follow the example of the L. G. O. C. and employ interpreters to
+translate to passengers the names of the railway stations as announced
+by porters and guards.
+
+       * * *
+
+At the recent meeting of the British Medical Association at Aberdeen a
+doctor advocated the eating of onions and garlic. This should certainly
+produce an uninhabited area in one's immediate neighbourhood, and so
+render one less liable to catch infectious diseases.
+
+       * * *
+
+"I know not," says Mr. ARNOLD BENNETT, "why I find an acrid pleasure in
+beholding mediocrity, the average, the everyday ordinary, as it is; but
+I do." Can it be, ARNOLD, because we are all attracted by our opposites?
+
+       * * *
+
+We are authorised to deny the allegation that Lord GLADSTONE, when he
+was booed upon his arrival at Waterloo from South Africa, remarked
+gaily, "Ah, I see I have not done with my friends the Booers yet!"
+
+       * * *
+
+It is nice to know in these days of lost reputations that Oriental
+hospitality, at any rate, shows no signs of decadence. A correspondent
+has come across the following announcement in a tailor's shop in
+Tokio:--"Respectable ladies and gentlemen may come here to have fits."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: "DO YER LOVE ME, 'ERB?"
+
+"LOVE YER, 'LIZA, I SHOULD JEST THINK I DOES. WHY, IF YER EVER GIVES ME
+UP I'LL MURDER YER! I CAN'T SAY MORE'N THAT, CAN I?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COMMERCIAL CANDOUR.
+
+    "The lasting delightful perfume of the age. One who can prove that
+    the perfume of _Otto Mohini_ is not lasting for four days by putting
+    five drops on the handkerchief will be rewarded Rs. 100 cash. Try
+    only small tube and get the reward."--_Advt. in "The Hitavada."_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Dr. Roux, head of the Pasteur Institute, has made a communication
+    to the Academy of Science showing microbes is not only possible, but
+    would be far better."
+
+    _Rangoon Gazette._
+
+But we don't quite see what the Academy can do about it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "MINIATURE & PORTRAIT PAINTING
+
+    MR. ALFRED PRAGA, R.B.A.,
+
+    President of the Society of Manicurists."
+
+    _Advt. in "The Studio."_
+
+We know an artist whose work gives us the impression that he might be
+President of the Society of Chiropodists.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Lord Provost Stevenson is proving a serious rival to Principal
+    MacAlister as a linguist. Sir Daniel yesterday addressed public
+    gatherings in English, Italian, and Spanish."
+
+    _Glasgow News._
+
+Now that he has mastered English, he must have a try at Scotch.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IMPERIAL CANDOUR.
+
+    "You are Germans. God help us."
+
+    Berlin Castle. _Signed "WILLIAM."_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PRO PATRIA.
+
+    England, in this great fight to which you go
+      Because, where Honour calls you, go you must,
+    Be glad, whatever comes, at least to know
+      You have your quarrel just.
+
+    Peace was your care; before the nations' bar
+      Her cause you pleaded and her ends you sought;
+    But not for her sake, being what you are,
+      Could you be bribed and bought.
+
+    Others may spurn the pledge of land to land,
+      May with the brute sword stain a gallant past;
+    But by the seal to which _you_ set your hand,
+      Thank God, you still stand fast!
+
+    Forth, then, to front that peril of the deep
+      With smiling lips and in your eyes the light,
+    Stedfast and confident, of those who keep
+      Their storied scutcheon bright.
+
+    And we, whose burden is to watch and wait--
+      High-hearted ever, strong in faith and prayer,
+    We ask what offering we may consecrate,
+      What humble service share?
+
+    To steel our souls against the lust of ease;
+      To find our welfare in the general good;
+    To hold together, merging all degrees
+      In one wide brotherhood;--
+
+    To teach that he who saves himself is lost;
+      To bear in silence though our hearts may bleed;
+    To spend ourselves, and never count the cost,
+      For others' greater need;--
+
+    To go our quiet ways, subdued and sane;
+      To hush all vulgar clamour of the street;
+    With level calm to face alike the strain
+      Of triumph or defeat;--
+
+    This be our part, for so we serve you best,
+      So best confirm their prowess and their pride,
+    Your warrior sons, to whom in this high test
+      Our fortunes we confide.
+
+    O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A DETERMINED ISLAND.
+
+Anything more peaceful than the outward aspect of the Isle of Wight, as
+I have seen it from Totland Bay during the past week, it would be
+impossible to conceive. For the most part the sun has been shining from
+a blue sky on a blue and brilliant sea; men, women and children have
+been swimming and splashing joyfully in a most mixed manner, and the
+whole landscape has had its usual holiday air. These, however, are
+deceptive appearances. We have felt and are feeling the imminence of
+war, and, though our judgments are firm and patriotic and prepared for
+sacrifice, our minds are clouded with a heavy anxiety. Our newspapers
+arrive at about 11 o'clock, and at that hour there is a concentrated
+rush to the book-shop. There we make our way through stacked volumes of
+cheap reprints to the counter where two ladies are struggling womanfully
+against the serried phalanx of purchasers. These two dive head-first from
+time to time into a great pile of the morning's news and emerge
+triumphantly with _The Times_ for Prospect House or _The Telegraph_ for
+Orville Lodge, and so on through the crowd of applicants until all are
+satisfied. This is the great event of our day. At the grocery stores on
+the opposite side of the road, news telegrams are shown on a board, and
+with these we eke out the knowledge of our fluctuating fate. Close by,
+too, is posted up a proclamation by the officer commanding the troops in
+the Island. He bids us not to walk too near a fort or to convey to any
+casual person such knowledge as we may have gained about the movements
+of troops, and we are commanded "to at once report" anything suspicious.
+I am sure the gallant officer will display as much vigour in the
+battering of his country's foes as he has shown in the splitting of the
+KING'S infinitives. Going for my newspaper this morning I saw at a
+distance an elderly gentleman of a serious aspect revolving steadily
+round and round a tall iron post. It was not until I came closer that I
+realised the meaning of his strange gyrations. The proclamation had been
+inconsiderately pasted round the post and he was endeavouring to read
+it.
+
+On Thursday last, nearly a week before the actual proclamation of war,
+the wildest rumours were afloat here. A motherly lady assured me with a
+smile that the German fleet might be expected at any moment. "The
+British fleet," she told me, "has been overwhelmed and sunk in the North
+Sea. The Germans have determined to capture the Isle of Wight, so we are
+none of us safe." I asked her where she had heard this dreadful news.
+"Oh, it's all over the village." Thereupon she moved calmly into a
+bathing cabin and had a patriotic dip. In another quarter I was told
+that the Island could not fail to be cut off, and awful things were
+prophesied as to what would happen to us unless we made our way to the
+mainland with the utmost promptitude. The supply of eggs was to run
+short; meat was to go up to famine prices or be reserved entirely for
+the soldiery, our intrepid defenders; bread was to become a luxury
+obtainable only by millionaires. All this was reported on the authority
+of a man who had it from another man who had it from a banker who was in
+close touch with the War Office in London. So far what is true is that
+steamers no longer come to Totland Bay, and anyone who wants to visit us
+here can get no nearer by boat than Yarmouth--not, of course, the home
+of the bloater, but our own little island Yarmouth, round the corner. In
+the meantime a good deal of patriotic self-denial is going on amongst
+the juvenile population. A friend of mine, aged seven, hearing the talk
+about all the coming privations, has decided to remove chocolates, buns
+and sponge-cakes from his dietary, and several young ladies have agreed
+to take milk instead of cream with their breakfast porridge.
+
+This morning we were brought face to face with the grimmest reality of
+war we have so far experienced. A boy-scout called at the house and
+produced an official paper asking for the names and addresses of any
+aliens who might be residing in the house. We have one such alien, a
+German maid for the children, a most unwarlike and inoffensive alien.
+Her name was entered on the form and the boy-scout disappeared to call
+at other houses. Since then, at intervals of about half-an-hour, other
+boy-scouts have called and produced similar forms. I have just dismissed
+a party of three, telling them that they seemed to be overlapping. They
+smiled and said, "Thank you," and retired. I look out of the window and
+behold two more approaching. They are doing the thing thoroughly.
+
+P.S.--Another notice is out warning us that it is known there are a lot
+of spies in the Island, and that we must not loiter near a fort lest we
+be shot. It is rumoured that soldiers are to be billeted on us
+(enthusiastic cheers from the younger members of the family).
+
+    R. C. L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Turnip, beef, carrots, and onions, if of suitable variety, would in
+    a favourable autumn yield fair-sized bulbs."--_Manchester Evening
+    News._
+
+_New Song._ "When father carved the bulb."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: BRAVO, BELGIUM!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VOLUMES.
+
+All books should be in one volume. I always thought so, but now I know.
+The reason why I know is because I possess two or three thousand books,
+and I have recently moved into a new house, and the books were at first
+put on the shelves indiscriminately as they came out of the packing
+cases. And how better spend a wet bank holiday than in arranging them
+properly--bringing parted couples together, adjusting involuntary
+divorces, reuniting the separated members of families and tribes?
+
+This is the merciful work on which Parolles and I have been engaged for
+too long. (I call her Parolles because she is so fond of words of which
+neither the meaning nor pronunciation has quite been mastered.) We meet
+each other all over the house with pathetic inquiries, "Have you seen
+Volume IV. of _Dumas' Memoirs_?" "No, but have you noticed Volume I. of
+_Fors Clavigera_?" It is like a game of "Families."
+
+The worst of the game is that one cannot concentrate. I may ascend the
+stairs bent wholly upon securing Volume III. of PROTHERO AND COLERIDGE'S
+_Byron_, and then chancing to observe Volume II. of INGPEN'S _Boswell_ I
+leap at it in ecstasy and, forgetting all about the noble misanthrope,
+hasten back with this prize and join it to its lonely mate.
+
+My _Dictionary of National Biography_, for all its fifty-eight volumes,
+not counting Supplements or Errata, was simple, on account of its size
+and unusual appearance. But what word can I find to express the
+annoyance and trouble given us by a small Pope in sheepskin? We roamed
+the house together--there are shelves in every room--striving to collect
+this family; but three of them are still on the loose. There is a
+Balzac, too, in a number of volumes not mentioned on any title-page and
+not numbered individually, so that time alone can tell whether that
+group is ever fully assembled. But as we placed them side by side we
+could almost hear them sigh after their long separation--though whether
+with satisfaction or annoyance who shall say? Volumes, may be, can get
+as tired of their companions as human beings can.
+
+During such an occupation as this a vast deal of time vanishes also in
+trying to remember where it was that I saw that copy of _Friendship's
+Garland_, so as to place it with the other Arnolds. Even more time goes
+in dipping into books which I had clean forgotten I possessed, such as
+_The Cricketers' Manual_, by "Bat," in which my eyes alighted upon this
+excellent story:
+
+"The Duchess de Berri, being present at a match between two clubs of
+Englishmen at Dieppe [in 1824], looked on very attentively for nearly
+three hours, then, turning to one of her attendants, said, '_Mais, quand
+est-ce que le jeu va commencer?_'" But the time which I have frittered
+away in this frivolity is as nothing compared with that wasted by
+Parolles, who has a way of subsiding upon the ground wherever she may
+happen to be and instantly becoming absorbed in the printed page. It is
+not as if she exercised any selective power, as I do. All books are the
+same to her in that they contain type on which the eye can fasten to the
+detriment of her labour. In every room I have stumbled over her long
+black legs as she thus abused her trust.
+
+And not only has she read more than I have, but she has become steadily
+dirtier than I, too; partly because of a native _flair_ for whatever
+makes smears and smudges, and partly because, her hair being long and
+falling on the page, owing to her crouched attitude when perusing, it
+has to be swept back, and each sweep leaves its mark. Considering how
+they set themselves up to be superior and instruct, books are curiously
+grubby things.
+
+And, as I said before, they should be in one volume.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _First Politician._ "SAY, BILL, WOT'S THIS BLOOMIN'
+MORTUARIUM THEY BE TARKIN' SO MUCH ABOUT?"
+
+_Second Politician._ "WELL, YE SEE, IT'S LIKE THIS. YOU DON'T PAY
+NOTHIN' TO NOBODY AND THE GOVERNMENT PAYS IT FOR YE."
+
+_First Politician._ "WELL, THAT SOUNDS A BIT OF ALL RIGHT, DOAN'T IT?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PROBLEM OF LIFE.
+
+The noise of the retreating sea came pleasantly to us from a distance.
+Celia was lying on her--I never know how to put this nicely--well, she
+was lying face downwards on a rock and gazing into a little pool which
+the tide had forgotten about and left behind. I sat beside her and
+annoyed a limpet. Three minutes ago I had taken it suddenly by surprise
+and with an Herculean effort moved it an eighteenth of a millimetre
+westwards. My silence since then was lulling it into a false security,
+and in another two minutes I hoped to get a move on it again.
+
+"Do you know," said Celia with a puzzled look on her face, "sometimes I
+think I'm quite an ordinary person after all."
+
+"You aren't a little bit," I said lazily; "you're just like nobody else
+in the world."
+
+"Well, of course, you had to say that."
+
+"No, I hadn't. Lots of husbands would merely have yawned." I felt one
+coming and stopped it just in time. Waiting for limpets to go to sleep
+is drowsy work. "But why are you so morbid about yourself suddenly?"
+
+"I don't know," she said. "Only every now and then I find myself
+thinking the most _obvious_ thoughts."
+
+"We all do," I answered, as I stroked my limpet gently. The noise of our
+conversation had roused it, but a gentle stroking motion (I am told by
+those to whom it has confided) will frequently cause its muscles to
+relax. "The great thing is not to speak them. Still, you'd better tell
+me now. What is it?"
+
+"Well," she said, her cheeks perhaps a little pinker than usual, "I was
+just thinking that life was very wonderful. But it's a _silly_ thing to
+say."
+
+"It's holiday time," I reminded her. "The necessity of sprinkling our
+remarks with thoughtful words like 'economic' and 'sporadic' is over for
+a bit. Let us be silly." I scratched in the rock the goal to which I was
+urging my limpet and took out my watch. "Three thirty-five. I shall get
+him there by four."
+
+Celia was gazing at two baby fishes who played in and out a bunch of
+sea-weed. Above the sea-weed an anemone sat fatly.
+
+"I suppose they're all just as much alive as we are," she said
+thoughtfully. "They marry"--I looked at my limpet with a new
+interest--"and bring up families and go about their business, and it all
+means just as much to them as it does to us."
+
+"My limpet's business affairs mean nothing to me," I said firmly. "I am
+only wrapped up in him as a sprinter."
+
+"Aren't you going to try to move him again?"
+
+"He's not quite ready yet. He still has his suspicions."
+
+Celia dropped into silence. Her next question showed that she had left
+the pool for a moment.
+
+"Are there any people in Mars?" she asked.
+
+"People down here say that there aren't. A man told me the other day
+that he knew this for a fact. On the other hand, people in Mars know for
+a fact that there isn't anybody on the Earth. Probably they are both
+wrong."
+
+"I should like to know a lot about things," sighed Celia. "Do you know
+anything about limpets?"
+
+"Only that they stick like billy-o."
+
+"I suppose more about them _is_ known than that?"
+
+"I suppose so. By people who have made a speciality of them. For one who
+has preferred to amass general knowledge rather than to specialize it is
+considered enough to know that they stick like billy-o."
+
+"You haven't specialized in anything, have you?"
+
+"Only in wives."
+
+Celia smiled and went on, "How do you make a speciality of limpets?"
+
+"Well, I suppose you--er--study them. You sit down and--and watch them.
+Probably after dark they get up and do something. And of course, in any
+case, you can always dissect one and see what he's had for breakfast.
+One way and another you get to know things about them."
+
+"They must have a lot of time for thinking," said Celia, regarding my
+limpet with her head on one side. "Tell me, how do they know that there
+are no men in Mars?"
+
+I sat up with a sigh.
+
+"Celia, you do dodge about so. I have barely brought together and
+classified my array of facts about things in this world, when you've
+dashed up to another one. What is the connection between Mars and
+limpets? If there are any limpets in Mars they are fresh-water ones. In
+the canals."
+
+"Oh, I just wondered," she said. "I mean"--she wrinkled her forehead in
+the effort to find words for her thoughts--"I'm wondering what
+everything means, and why we're all here, and what limpets are for, and,
+supposing there are people in Mars, if we're the real people whom the
+world was made for, or if _they_ are." She stopped and added, "One
+evening after dinner, when we get home, you must tell me all about
+_everything_."
+
+Celia has a beautiful idea that I can explain everything to her. I
+suppose I must have explained a stymie or a no-ball very cleverly once.
+
+"Well," I said, "I can tell you what limpets are for now. They're like
+sheep and cows and horses and pheasants and--and any other animal.
+They're just for _us_. At least so the wise people say."
+
+"But we don't eat limpets."
+
+"No, but they can amuse us. This one"--and with a sudden leap I was
+behind him as he dozed and I had dashed him forward another eighteenth
+of a millimetre--"this one has amused _me_."
+
+"Perhaps," said Celia thoughtfully and I don't think it was quite a nice
+thing for a young woman to say, "perhaps we're only meant to amuse the
+people in Mars."
+
+"Then," I said lazily, "let's hope they _are_ amused."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+But that was nearly three weeks ago. Ten days later war was declared.
+Celia has said no more on the subject since her one afternoon's unrest,
+but she looks at me curiously sometimes, and I fear that the problem of
+life leaves her more puzzled than ever. At the risk of betraying myself
+to her as "quite an ordinary person after all" I confess that just at
+the moment it leaves me puzzled too.
+
+A. A. M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCE.
+
+It was a seaside railway station, the arriving place of one of those
+health resorts where people flock in their millions to enjoy a little
+peace and quiet together. He, no doubt as a punishment for a misspent
+youth, was the station-master; she was one of those many kind ladies who
+come to meet their relatives and to make their arrival even more
+peaceful and quiet than such events usually are.
+
+"Was that the train from London?" she asked him.
+
+He temporized. "Have you asked a porter?" he enquired.
+
+She nodded.
+
+"And have you asked another porter?"
+
+She nodded again.
+
+"And then the foreman porter? And then a ticket collector? And then the
+inspector? And then a casual post-man? And then did you come across your
+original porter and try him again?"
+
+She admitted the list without a blush.
+
+"And now tell me all about your dear lost one--a weak, helpless man, no
+doubt?"
+
+"It was my husband," she explained.
+
+"A medium-sized man, in a macintosh and a straw hat, of course?"
+
+She acquiesced.
+
+"But none the less," continued the official, "a man of sterling worth?
+You do not think he can be in some lost property office _en route_,
+waiting to be called for?"
+
+The suggestion was an attractive one, but was rejected. "Then," he said,
+"let us go and discuss this intimate tragedy in some less public spot."
+
+He took her to his office and begged her to be seated. "Repose all
+confidence in me, Madam," he said, "for I am not without experience in
+husbands. Good fellows on the whole, with their gladstone bags and their
+pince-nez and their unmistakable respectability. But somehow they have
+not acquired the knack of arriving when they are expected. Yours is the
+seventh who has failed us by this train. True, the other six were coming
+from Liverpool, whereas the 6.30 has come from London, but that is no
+excuse for them or us."
+
+"My husband is coming from London," she asserted, searching in her
+reticule for documentary evidence.
+
+He looked out of the window, avoiding her eye. "In less than twenty
+minutes we have a nice fat competent train arriving partly from
+Birmingham, partly from Manchester, partly from Sheffield and partly
+from Birkenhead. There is even a dusty bit at the end which will have
+come all the way from Scotland, though why I cannot say. It will be
+simply full of husbands; you wouldn't care to try it, at any rate to let
+us show it you?"
+
+"But my husband," she repeated.
+
+"Is essentially a London man? Madam, we do not wish you to take any of
+these husbands we shall show you if they do not suit your requirements;
+but do let us show them you."
+
+"I know that my husband is coming from London," she persisted.
+
+"Believe me, Madam," he protested, "I should not accuse you of being
+mistaken, even if your husband should prove to be in this train I
+recommend. He might have deceived you."
+
+She refused to budge. "My husband's postcard says he is coming in the
+6.30 train from London. The train has come and he is not in it."
+
+The station-master asked to be allowed to see the postcard, not, he
+explained, because he didn't believe her, but because he would like to
+have his worst suspicions of his Company's inefficiency confirmed.
+
+She handed it to him. He read the announcement, made briefly and without
+enthusiasm, of the husband's proposed arrival "by the 6.30 train
+to-morrow." The woman smiled with triumph; the station-master referred
+to the postmark. He did not smile triumphantly. He was too old a hand
+for that.
+
+"Will you allow me to intercede as a friend for all parties?" he asked.
+"Give him and us another chance; go away now and give us all twenty-four
+hours to think it over. Then call again, and, if your patience is
+rewarded, be generous and forgive us all."
+
+After some debate she was induced to see reason in the proposal and
+consented to take the lenient course. She rose to go.
+
+"And if," said the station-master, showing her out, "if a train should
+arrive at 6.30 from London to-morrow and disgorge this husband of yours,
+won't you do us all a little kindness? Won't you make a point of telling
+the porter, all the porters, foremen porters, ticket collectors,
+inspectors, casual postmen and even myself? You have no idea what a
+change it would be for us to hear a lady saying, 'My husband ought to
+have come by this train, and he has!'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: FINANCIAL STRINGENCY AT THE SEASIDE; A GOOD PENNYWORTH.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR LOYAL STATUARY.
+
+    "An attempt was made by the fountain in Piccadilly Circus to head a
+    procession for Buckingham Palace to pay homage to King
+    George."--_Daily Mail._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER SMART ARREST BY THE POLICE.
+
+    "Sergt. ---- found Mrs. ---- sitting in a pool of blood in a
+    semi-conscious condition. The flow of blood was arrested, and a
+    doctor summoned."--_Northern Echo._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR MUSICAL CORRESPONDENCE COLUMN.
+
+(_With acknowledgments to "The Musical Herald."_)
+
+_I THINK I am a tenor, but after taking lessons continuously for six
+years from sixteen different masters I am still in doubt, and what is
+more, I am not quite certain whether I want to be. Did not somebody once
+say that a tenor was not a man but a disease? I am a healthy normal
+subject, and recently won the lawn-tennis singles at our local
+tournament. What puzzles me is my upper register. After reaching the top
+A, if I relax the wind pressure and slant the voice in a slightly
+backward direction towards the nasal cavities, I can produce a full rich
+B flat, or even C, with the greatest ease. My family do not like it, but
+family criticism is seldom satisfactory. Can you tell me whether this is
+a legitimate use of my vocal resources or not; also, whether the
+resinous quality of my voice is likely to be affected by my wearing
+stand-up collars of more than 2-1/2 inches in height? I have read
+somewhere that starched linen is a bad conductor of sound._--MARIO
+JUNIOR.
+
+ANSWER.--It is hard to tell whether you are a tenor or a forced-up
+baritone without hearing or seeing you. Tenors are generally short,
+stubby men with brief necks, while baritones are for the most part tall,
+spare and long-necked. It was HANS VON BUELOW who said that a tenor was
+a disease, but he was a pianist and a conductor. Do not "grouse" if you
+can sing tenor parts and yet retain the volume and virility of a
+baritone. JEAN DE RESZKE began as a baritone and is said to have earned
+L20,000 a year. The nasal tone that you speak of, when it approximates
+to the whinnying of a horse or, better still, the trumpeting of an
+infuriated rogue elephant, is a most valuable asset, but should be used
+with moderation in the family circle. Do not say "resinous"; "resonant"
+is probably the word you mean. High stand-up collars are certainly to be
+avoided, as they constrict the Adam's apple and muffle the tone of the
+voice. A soft turn-down collar, such as those supplied by Pope Bros., is
+greatly to be preferred and imparts a romantic and semi-Byronic
+appearance highly desirable in an artist.
+
+_I am a railway porter with a good bass voice, and having read that the
+great Russian singer who has been appearing at Drury Lane began life in
+that position and is now paid at the rate of L400 a night, I am anxious
+to follow his example, if I can obtain adequate guarantees of
+success._--CLAPHAM JUNCTION.
+
+ANSWER.--It is always dangerous to generalise from exceptional
+individual cases. Are you over six feet high, and have you corn-coloured
+hair and blue yes, like CHALIAPINE? Again, Russian railway porters are
+in the habit of shouting the names of stations, not only in a loud
+voice, but with scrupulously clear articulation. Do not rashly abandon
+your career on the railway on the off-chance of a vocal Bonanza.
+Remember the words of the poet:--
+
+    O, ever since the world began,
+    There never was and never can
+    Be such a very useful man
+      As the railway porter!
+
+_My voice is of good compass and volume, but it is lacking in the "rich
+fruity tone" which, according to popular novelists, is indispensable to
+the exertion of a magnetic influence on the hearer. Is it possible by
+diet to remedy this deficiency?_--CONTRALTO.
+
+ANSWER.--The use of an emollient diet is recommended by some authorities
+with a view to improving and enriching vocal tone. You might try a
+course of Carlsbad plums, Devonshire cream, and peach-fed Colorado ham.
+But it is easy to overdo the plummy tone, which is apt to become
+cloying.
+
+_Kindly explain the following terms taken from an article on SCRIABINE
+which recently appeared in a leading daily paper: Psychical
+conjunctivitis; Katzenjammer; Cephaloedematous; Hokusai; Asininity. What
+is the difference between the portamento and "scooping"? Why do opera
+singers show such a marked tendency to embonpoint? Am I wrong in
+preferring the cornet to any other wind instrument?_--ANXIOUS ASPIRANT.
+
+ANSWER.--This is not a general information bureau, but we will do our
+best. (1) Conjunctivitis is properly a disease of the eyes; "psychical
+conjunctivitis" would be a sort of mental squint. "Katzenjammer" is the
+German for "hot coppers." "Cephaloedematous" is not in the New Oxford
+Dictionary, but apparently applies to a sufferer from swelled head.
+HOKUSAI was a Japanese artist, and "asininity" is the special quality of
+the writer of the article from which you have taken these words. (2)
+"Scooping" is the vulgarisation of the portamento, (3) Operatic singers
+grow stout because they drink stout; also because much singing
+tends to expand the larynx, pharynx and thorax, as well as the
+basilico-thaumaturgic cavities of the medulla oblongata. (4) There is
+nothing criminal in preferring the cornet to any other wind instrument.
+Many pious people prefer MARIE CORELLI to MILTON.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE DOUBLE LIFE.
+
+When Araminta said that I must speak to the man next door about his
+black cat, I was greatly perturbed. It appeared that the animal had
+acquired the habit of spending the night in our house, and that Harriet
+didn't like it. I said that black cats brought good luck, and, anyhow,
+by night all cats were grey. Araminta replied that this one was as black
+as a bilberry and took fish. Walking out into the garden I began to
+meditate deeply.
+
+Perhaps you do not immediately grasp what a terrible and dangerous thing
+it was that Araminta had requested me to do. Between next door
+neighbours in the area of Greater London there subsist relations of an
+infinite delicacy. They resemble the bloom upon a peach. They combine a
+sense of mutual confidence and esteem with absolute determination not to
+let it get any further. Mr. Trumpington (Harriet vouched for his name)
+and myself were certainly acquainted. In a sense you may even say we
+were friends. If I happened to be murdered or assaulted by a footpad
+there was not the smallest reason to suppose that Mr. Trumpington would
+refrain from giving the police every assistance in identifying the
+criminal. Similarly, if Mr. Trumpington's house caught fire, it was
+certain that I should be one of the first to offer him the loan of our
+garden syringe.
+
+As things were, what happened was this. Twice or thrice a week we nodded
+pleasantly to each other over the wall that divided our demesnes,
+through the interstices of our respective hollyhocks; once, only once,
+in a mad burst of irresponsible gaiety, Mr. Trumpington had gone so far
+as to murmur, "Good aft-" to me, and I had responded effusively,
+"-ernoon."
+
+And now all this atmosphere of quiet sociableness was about to be
+destroyed through the paltry misdemeanours of a subfuse cat. For I had
+not the smallest doubt as to what would happen. Mr. Trumpington was a
+mild amiable-looking man. There was not the faintest prospect of his
+flying into a rage. He would not say, "What right have you to interfere
+with the private affairs of another man's domesticated fauna?" He would
+not ask me why I had inveigled his beautiful black cat on to my
+poisonous premises. No, we should talk together reasonably, amicably,
+and as man to man. Mr. Trumpington would promise to do all he could to
+give his cat pleasant, cheerful evenings at home, and I should agree
+that it was very hard to prevent a young cat from wanting to see a bit
+of life. "Cats," we should say, nodding our heads wisely, "will be
+cats."
+
+And then from cats we should pass on to dogs, to sport, to politics, to
+business, to heaven knows what. And the next day we should be compelled
+to pick up our conversation where we had dropped it. We should discuss
+our gardens and our family affairs. Things would go from bad to worse.
+All our privacy and peace would disappear. We might almost as well break
+down the wall that divided us at once. Possibly (thought of horror) his
+wife would call on Araminta....
+
+Still pondering ruefully, I turned round at the bottom of the garden
+path, and behold, sitting on the party-wall between Mr. Trumpington's
+garden and mine, was the debateable cat. An impulse of murderous rage
+possessed me. I took an old golf-ball from my pocket and hurled it as
+hard as I could at the potential destroyer of my peace. The black cat
+was no sportsman. It dodged, and disappeared hastily on the Trumpington
+side. At the same moment from behind a large clump of hollyhocks I heard
+the sudden cry of a strong man in pain, followed by a stilled oath. I
+squatted down instantly behind a thick rosebush; then, rising to peer
+cautiously, I saw a most painful sight. I saw the horrible
+transformation which may be caused in the features of an ordinary and
+amiable man by an access of sudden rage and the impact of a brambled
+golf-ball on the end of the nose. I squatted again.
+
+"Confound the infernal fool! Who did that?" said the face of Mr.
+Trumpington, looking through the hollyhock peepholes, the buds of which
+rapidly began to turn from a lightish pink to deep rose.
+
+It is always a more dignified policy to ignore a man in a temper, so it
+was not until about ten minutes had elapsed, and silence reigned, that I
+crawled painfully away into safety.
+
+About five minutes later a note was brought round by hand from next
+door. It ran as follows:--
+
+"Mr. Trumpington will feel greatly obliged if Mr. Brown will prevent his
+black cat from constantly straying upon his, Mr. Trumpington's,
+flower-beds. He also requests that when Mr. Brown wishes to persecute
+his black cat he should not do so when the animal is sitting on Mr.
+Trumpington's wall, as this practice is attended with considerable risk
+to Mr. Trumpington's life and limbs."
+
+I sat down and wrote a reply.
+
+"Mr. Brown," I said, "greatly regrets that a golf-ball playfully thrown
+at Mr. Trumpington's black cat whilst sitting on his, Mr. Brown's, wall,
+should have caused annoyance to Mr. Trumpington."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When I went out into the garden on the following day I could see Mr.
+Trumpington's head, tastefully framed in pink hollyhock buds, apparently
+following the spoor of a green-fly. He looked up almost at once and
+caught my eye, but made no sign of recognition. I breathed a sigh of
+relief. Thank heaven, I thought to myself, the worst has not happened.
+The danger that I feared yesterday has blown over. There is no immediate
+prospect of Mr. Trumpington and myself becoming boon companions. I
+strolled a little further down the path, and, still occupying its old
+strategic position on the party-wall and licking its fur in the sun, I
+beheld the black cat.
+
+As I approached him he smiled an ambiguous smile, and jumped down once
+more upon Trumpington soil. A wave of great friendliness for the unhappy
+quadruped swept over me. "Persecute," I thought; "not likely." I went
+indoors and, after a short consultation with Harriet, came out again
+carrying a small round fish-cake on a spoon. I lobbed it far and wide
+over the wall, and it fell noiselessly and quite in the middle of Mr.
+Trumpington's most buttony calceolaria-bed. Some time later I was
+rewarded by the sight of a black cat stealing with a look of grateful
+memory on its face towards the Trumpington back-door.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: Customer. "BUT THAT'S A FEARFUL PRICE FOR SHRIMP-PASTE."
+
+Grocer. "AH, BUT THESE ARE NORTH SEA SHRIMPS, MADAM."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: "I'D GIVE THE GERMAN EMPEROR WOT; I WOULD, STRAIGHT. I'D
+PULL EVERY FEAVER AHT OF 'IS 'ELMET."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE RESTORATIVE POWER OF MUSIC.
+
+My house, though in the eyes of the rate-collector fully occupied, has
+now for several weeks stood with an unmistakably vacant stare. My cook
+alone, with a young lady friend for company, dwells there. What our
+great ballad-writers call the patter of tiny feet is stilled. The
+seaside has demanded its toll, and I have for a time accompanied the
+evacuating host.
+
+The other day, for a brief space, I returned home--a home which at the
+first glance seemed to be as I had left it. But as I approached I was
+confronted with a change. The gate, which in normal times used to swing
+shakily on its hinges and keep on chattering against its post (in the
+vain effort to shut) whenever the wind was in its teeth, now leaned
+against an adjacent bush in listless inaction. One of its hinges had
+been broken. I learned the details of the tragedy from the gardener.
+
+It was one of them I-talians, I gathered. Seeing, with the
+nice instinct of their race, that my house must be the abode of
+music-lovers--detecting this from various subtle signs invisible to
+me--they had drored their horgan through the gateway and up the grand
+carriage sweep which, leading to the handsome portico entrance, is one
+of the outstanding features of all that well-situated and desirable
+double-fronted brick and carved stone residential property which
+recently I was wise enough to acquire for a mere song. Well, these
+I-talians had drored their instrument up the drive and played to the
+front door for ton minutes. The cook and her friend, I learned
+afterwards, heard them and, being satisfied to enjoy the entertainment
+without payment, had remained out of sight. For ten minutes they played,
+the man turning the handle, his wife smiling and bowing to the windows.
+Then, in the fine frenzy known to all great artists who are
+unrecognised, they drored it down again to the gate. The fine frenzy was
+proved by the fury with which the woman flung wide the portal that the
+horgan might be drored out. She flung it back too far, and the hinge, a
+soulless thing of cast-iron, snapped.
+
+The gardener--no musician--who had happened to see them arrive, and,
+anticipating trouble, had been watching unperceived, hurried to the
+scene of the catastrophe.
+
+"I knowed they was a-goin' to do it," he said, "the 'inge bein' in a bad
+way already. It's lucky there was a policeman 'andy. I said you'd 'ave
+the law of 'em."
+
+"But I don't want the law of them," I protested.
+
+"Well, they're going to pay for a new 'inge any'ow."
+
+"Rather hard luck on them, isn't it? I can't make them do that."
+
+"Don't you worry your 'ead, Sir," said the gardener. "It don't come out
+of their pocket. All these I-talians is run by one man. Millionaire, so
+they tells me. Any'ow, it's settled now."
+
+"Well, perhaps it'll teach them to be more careful."
+
+"I 'ope not, Sir," said the gardener. "'Ave another one or two of 'em in
+'ere, and we'll get the gate so as it won't bang."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SCIENCE FOR THE YOUNG.
+
+"Aunt Phemie" in _The Globe_:--
+
+    "A hen is a bird and not an animal."
+
+This official statement will come as a great surprise to all our
+feathered friends.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "He no longer on his return would proclaim to his brother that he
+    had beaten old Major Waggett (his especial foe) by two up and three
+    to play."--_Methuen's Annual._
+
+And why not? Because his brother had just bought a shilling book called
+"Golf for the Beginner." However, he could still tell his Aunt Lavinia,
+who knew no better.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: FOR FRIENDSHIP AND HONOUR.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+(EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.)
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, Aug. 3._
+
+--When EDWARD GREY stood at Table to make momentous statement on
+position of Great Britain confronted by spectacle of Europe in arms, he
+faced a memorable scene. House crowded from floor to topmost range of
+Strangers' Gallery. LANSDOWNE, "BOBS," GEORGE CURZON and other Peers
+looked on and listened. Amongst them LORD CHIEF JUSTICE for first time
+obtained view of House from novel point of vantage.
+
+Owing to spread of complications, supply of Ambassadors accustomed to
+repair to Diplomatic Gallery restricted. No room for Germany to-day.
+Absent, too, the popular figure of Austro-Hungarian Ambassador, familiar
+these many years in London Society. Russia, Spain, Sweden and Greece
+were there in the persons of their representatives; and Belgium,
+conscious that words about to be uttered were big with her fate.
+
+The sight they looked down upon was strange and moving. Setting of scene
+worthy of drama which finds no full parallel in world's history. Keen
+eyes accustomed to study potentialities of nations discerned in the
+gathering a new portentous fact. A week ago to-day political parties in
+House of Commons preserved customary attitude of hostility. Across the
+floor they snapped at each other distrust and dislike. Long-brooding
+revolt of armed forces in Ireland had leaped into flame. Mob and
+military had come to blows. Victims of the affray lay dead in the
+streets of Dublin. In the House rancour between Unionists and Home
+Rulers increasingly bitter.
+
+Here was opportunity for loyal and trusted friend on the Continent to
+play long-planned game. England's difficulty was Germany's opportunity.
+Swiftly, unscrupulously, taken advantage of.
+
+Foreign Representatives to-day beheld a startling transformation. Party
+lines obliterated. LEADER OF THE OPPOSITION, whose conduct throughout
+crisis has been splendidly patriotic, rallied his forces to the side of
+Ministers.
+
+"Whatever steps they think it necessary to take for the honour and
+security of this country," he said amid burst of general cheering, "they
+can rely upon the unhesitating support of the Opposition."
+
+This attitude, in full accordance with highest tradition of British
+Party politics, not unexpected. Glad surprise followed when JOHN REDMOND
+assured the Government they might forthwith withdraw from Ireland every
+man of their troops.
+
+"The coasts of Ireland," he added, "will be defended from foreign
+invasion by our armed sons. For this purpose Nationalist Catholics in
+the South will be only too glad to join hands with armed Protestant
+Ulstermen in the North."
+
+Illustration: IN A JUST CAUSE. (Sir EDWARD GREY.)
+
+"The last time I saw rows of chairs brought in and set down on floor of
+the House for convenience of Members who could not find room elsewhere,"
+mused the MEMBER FOR SARK, looking on from one of the side galleries,
+"was in 1886, when GLADSTONE introduced his first Home Rule Bill. Twelve
+months earlier, under guidance of Land League, Ireland was in a parlous
+state. Coercion Act in full force. Jails thronged with patriots
+convicted under its rigorous clauses. Still there were left at liberty
+enough to maim cattle and shoot at landlords. If Germany had happened to
+step in at that epoch it would have been a perilous time for England.
+The House of Commons after many years' hesitation has offered to bestow
+Home Rule upon Ireland and this is Ireland's first articulate response.
+Her Nationalists range themselves with Ulster by the side of Great
+Britain threatened by a foreign foe."
+
+_Business done._--FOREIGN SECRETARY, amid prolonged cheers, announces
+that England means to stand by France in the coming war, and will fulfil
+her Treaty obligations to Belgium.
+
+_Tuesday._--Rising from Treasury Bench PREMIER walked down House as if
+he were about to leave it by glass door. Reaching the Bar he halted and
+turned about to face crowded benches watching him with quickened
+anxiety. Grave events have within the last few days made him the Herald
+of War. What might be this new missive he held in his hand?
+
+"A message from HIS MAJESTY," he said, "signed by his own hand."
+
+Advancing to Table he handed document to the Clerk who passed it on to
+SPEAKER. All heads were bared as Message was read. It announced that
+Proclamation would forthwith issue mobilising the Regular Army and
+embodying Territorial Forces.
+
+This the significant supplement to statement made by PREMIER immediately
+on SPEAKER taking the Chair. It told how telegram had that morning been
+sent to German Government demanding assurance of maintenance of Belgian
+neutrality.
+
+"We have asked," said the PREMIER as quietly as if he were mentioning
+request for early reply to a dinner invitation, "that a satisfactory
+answer shall be given before midnight."
+
+House knew what that meant. On the stroke of midnight Great Britain and
+Germany would be at war.
+
+A cheer almost fierce in its intensity approved the epoch-making
+challenge. The House knew that England's hands were clean; that she was
+spotlessly free from responsibility for the slaughter and sorrow, the
+destruction of prosperous cities, the devastation of fruitful lands, the
+breaking-up of Empires, that might follow on Germany's final
+jack-booting of the emissary of peace.
+
+Since the danger-signal was flung out by thrusting to the front the
+puppet figure of aged AUSTRIAN EMPEROR making ponderous attack on little
+Servia, EDWARD GREY, representing a Ministry supported by a loyal
+Parliament and a united Kingdom, has night and day been tireless in
+effort to avert war. If yielded to, such interference would be fatal to
+plans, diligently elaborated in the dark over a period of months,
+probably a full year, by our old friend and frequent guest, the GERMAN
+EMPEROR.
+
+Accordingly, after maintaining till last moment favourite disguise of
+peacemaker "on easy terms with Heaven," WILLIAM, innocent sufferer by
+"the menace of France," throws aside the cloak.
+
+House of Commons' immediate response was to pass in five minutes all
+outstanding votes for Army, Navy and Civil Services amounting to
+L104,642,055.
+
+_Business done._--PREMIER announces dispatch of ultimatum to Berlin and
+imperative demand for answer before midnight.
+
+_Wednesday._--Benches less crowded than hitherto during week of
+tumultuous interest. Explanation forthcoming in fact that something like
+a hundred Members belonging to Territorial Service have buckled on their
+armour and responded to call of mobilisation.
+
+PREMIER'S announcement that "since eleven o'clock last night a state of
+war has existed between Germany and ourselves" hailed with deep-throated
+cheer. Its volume nothing compared with that which burst forth when he
+concluded statement with casual remark that to-morrow he will move a
+Vote of Credit for one hundred millions sterling. Had he mentioned the
+sum as an instalment paid in advance by Germany on account of war
+indemnity House couldn't have been more jubilant.
+
+BYLES of Bradford uneasy in regard to Bill introduced by HOME SECRETARY
+authorising imposition of restrictions upon aliens in time of war or
+great emergency. Thinks it might cause inconvenience to worthy persons.
+Otherwise Government receive unanimous support for various legislative
+proposals rendered necessary by state of war.
+
+CHANCELLOR OF EXCHEQUER reports conclusions arrived at in conference of
+leading bankers and manufacturers met at the Treasury to consider best
+way of grappling with unprecedented financial situation created by
+events of past fortnight. Happy thought to include in invitation his
+predecessor at the Treasury. In accordance with patriotic spirit
+obliterating party animosity, SON AUSTEN promptly accepted invitation.
+Gives valuable assistance to LLOYD GEORGE in recommending proposals to
+appreciative House.
+
+In short, whatever may be happening in Belgium or the North Sea,
+Millennium reigns at Westminster.
+
+_Business done._--Many Bills advanced by various stages.
+
+_Thursday._--In moving Vote of Credit for one hundred million sterling
+PREMIER wholesomely lets himself go in comment on the "infamous
+proposal" of Germany that for a mess of pottage (extremely thin) England
+should betray her ally, France. Crowded House loudly sympathised with
+righteous indignation.
+
+Fresh burst of cheering when he pays finely phrased tribute to EDWARD
+GREY, as the "Peacemaker of Europe."
+
+Captain Lord DALRYMPLE of the Scots Guards lends opportune gleam of
+martial splendour to bench where he sits arrayed in khaki uniform that
+has seen service in the Boer War. The PREMIER'S eye catching a glimpse
+of it, he with great presence of mind asked for authority to strengthen
+the army by an additional half-million of men.
+
+In its present mood the House denies him nothing.
+
+_Business done._--Vote of Credit for L100,000,000 granted with both
+hands.
+
+_Monday, Aug. 10._--House adjourned till Tuesday the 25th.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: "ONE TOUCH OF POTSDAM...."
+
+Sir EDWARD CARSON. "A marvellous diplomatist, this German KAISER."
+
+Mr. JOHN REDMOND. "Yes, he's made comrades of us when everybody else had
+failed."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Mad Dog of Europe.
+
+    "The dog, to serve some private ends,
+    Went mad and bit the man.
+
+       * * *
+
+    The man recovered from the bite;
+    The dog it was that died."
+
+    _GOLDSMITH._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"SCHOOL PLAYGROUNDS.
+
+THE PROPOSAL TO DECREASE THEIR SIZE TO THE EDITOR Of 'THE TIMES.'"
+
+    _The Times._
+
+And to increase it, we hope, to Mr. CHESTERTON.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH'S HOLIDAY STORIES.
+
+(_Constructed after the best models._)
+
+I.--AN ALPINE ADVENTURE.
+
+(Concluded.)
+
+[_SYNOPSIS OF PRECEDING INSTALMENT_:--_Ralph Wonderson, the famous
+athlete, while on a mountaineering expedition in Switzerland, encounters
+Lady Margaret Tamerton, whom he has not seen since childhood. With her
+are her brother, Lord Tamerton; her cousin, Sir Ernest Scrivener; and
+three Swiss guides. They combine to make an ascent of the Wetterhorn
+under Ralph's leadership. Early in the climb Ralph discovers that Sir
+Ernest Scrivener is none other than his own mortal foe, Marmaduke
+Moorsdyke. A perilous traverse of a glacier has to be undertaken. All
+cross in safety except Sir Ernest, who makes imprudent remark which
+causes a line of overhanging_ seracs _to collapse upon him and sweep him
+down the glacier. Ralph dives unhesitatingly to the rescue of his
+deadliest foe._]
+
+Rather than face a second traverse of the awful glacier the remaining
+members of the party continued the ascent. With shaken nerves they
+pressed on to the best of their ability, but it was nearly dark when
+they at length reached the summit, hoping to find another and easier
+route to the foot.
+
+But luck was against them. A devastating blizzard enveloped them, and
+they lay huddled together behind a rock, chilled to the bone by the
+driving particles of ice and snow.
+
+"There is no escape," said Lord Tamerton mournfully to his sister, Lady
+Margaret. "We must prepare to meet our deaths like true mountaineers."
+
+"True fiddlesticks!" replied Lady Margaret with spirit. "Ralph will come
+back to us."
+
+"Do you love him, Madge?" asked her brother.
+
+"Yes," she replied simply.
+
+"Then he will surely come back."
+
+Even as he spoke a tall figure loomed out of the blizzard and raised his
+hat with cold formality.
+
+"Your cousin is safe in the hospital at Interlaken," said Ralph,
+addressing Lord Tamerton with marked constraint. "He has merely
+sustained a fractured patella. With your permission we will now
+descend."
+
+"What is the matter, Ralph?" cried Lady Margaret pleadingly; but,
+ignoring her question, he busied himself in tying on the rope.
+
+The descent which followed is still spoken of with bated breath by the
+Swiss guides, than whom there is no more generous body of men in the
+world.
+
+Unerringly Ralph led his companions through aretes, glissades,
+bergschrunds, ruecksacs, gendarmes, vorwaerts, couloirs, aiguilles, never
+hesitating, never flinching from any obstacle, heedless, it seemed,
+alike of the raging blizzard and the ever-thickening darkness. At times
+he was obliged to carry the others one by one along razor edges of hard
+blue ice. At times he would cling precariously by one hand to a
+projecting splinter of rock, while with the other he lowered them all
+bodily into the depths of a crevasse, gripping his ice-axe meanwhile
+steadfastly between his teeth. Once at least he was compelled to hang
+downwards by his toes while he hewed steps beneath him in a
+perpendicular wall of ice. And through it all his face retained its
+stern impassivity and he addressed no word to his exhausted companions.
+
+At length the most wonderful feat in the history of climbing was
+finished, and the party, weary but thankful, stood at the foot of the
+mountain.
+
+The three guides fell on their knees before their rescuer, but he
+ignored them and turned his cold, hard gaze upon Lady Margaret.
+
+"You are now safe," he said icily. "My presence is no longer necessary.
+Take the third turning on the left, the second on the right and the
+fifth on the left, and then ask again. Before I leave I ought perhaps to
+congratulate you upon your approaching marriage to your--er--amiable
+cousin;" and without waiting for a reply he was gone.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Alone, Ralph Wonderson sat upon a rock and reflected that no food had
+passed his lips since that hurried breakfast in the Fahrjoch Hut.
+Wearily he drew out a packet of sandwiches from his pocket.
+
+A moment later he was racing back to his former companions. In his day
+he had been half-mile champion, but now he knocked a full minute off his
+previous best time.
+
+He found the others as he had left them. Lady Margaret looked up with a
+glad cry as he flew round the corner.
+
+"Madge," he cried, waving the piece of newspaper which had been wrapped
+round his sandwiches,--"Madge, you _can't_ marry him!"
+
+Lord Tamerton leaped forward with a white face. "What do you mean?" he
+hissed. "You are mad. She _must_ marry him, or the family is ruined."
+
+"She _can't_ marry him," repeated Ralph calmly. "Sir Ernest Scrivener
+_alias_ Marmaduke Moorsdyke is married already! Read this."
+
+And he thrust the fragment of newspaper into Lord Tamerton's hand.
+
+With a low cry of content Lady Margaret fell into her lover's arms. "Oh,
+my dear!" she murmured.
+
+And as they stood clasped in a close embrace the clouds parted and far,
+far above them appeared the beautiful white summit of the Wetterhorn
+shining dazzlingly in the sunlight.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: "BUSINESS AS USUAL DURING ALTERATIONS."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SPIT FOR SPAT.
+
+Orator, in Hyde Park:--
+
+    "An' when the German Ambassador left St. Petersburg 'e spat in the
+    Russian Ambassador's face. An' the Russian Ambassador in Berlin 'e
+    spat in the German Ambassador's face."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN ORDER OF MERIT?
+
+    "Full reports of the Petersfield Gymkhana, Eastmeon Show, and
+    Liphook Horticultural Exhibition and Sports, will be published in
+    to-morrow's issue of the 'Hampshire Telegraph and Post,' which will
+    contain also a complete record of news of the Great European
+    War."--_Portsmouth Evening News._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The following letter was addressed to a Hong Kong chaplain by his
+orderly:--
+
+    "Pleas sur excuse me this morning for I ham sitting for my examining
+    asion at the peak schools for my certificate sur and I will be down
+    as soon as possible sur to deliver the letters sur And if I ant
+    there before you go away sur put the keys under the steeps sur."
+
+We feel confident he passed all right.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ON ACTIVE SERVICE.
+
+Every August Bank Holiday we have a short Mixed Open Tournament at our
+lawn-tennis club. It's quite a small, homely affair, but as our
+President, Sir Benjamin Boogles, always offers two valuable prizes
+(hall-marked), every member who can possibly enter does so. Each year
+hitherto the Tournament has been finished in the one day; but this year
+it is not finished yet--in fact, in one instance the first game of the
+first set is still undecided, and the winners in the other sets are
+anxiously awaiting the result in order that the second round may proceed
+before the end of the season. As I am one of the actors--I might almost
+say the protagonist--in this protracted drama, I will explain the
+position.
+
+Wilbrooke, our crack player, who can easily give most of us forty and a
+bonus of five games in the set, and still beat us, recently became
+engaged to Pattie Blobson, who is a hopeless rabbit at the game, this
+being her first season. Not unnaturally she insisted on his entering the
+Tournament with her. I always enter with Joan, and though we are neither
+of us exactly rabbits it would be rather hard to find a zoological term
+that would fittingly describe our standard of play. Of course there is
+no handicapping in "Opens," and Joan and I usually reckon to be knocked
+out in the second round at latest, though we did once get into the third
+round owing to one of our opponents, a doctor, being summoned to a case
+in the middle of play.
+
+Now this year we both thought our tennis would be over for the day after
+the first quarter of an hour, as we were drawn to play our first round
+against Wilbrooke and Pattie. However, I won the toss, and to that fact
+the subsequent _impasse_ may be attributed. I elected to serve first,
+leaving Wilbrooke the choice of sides. The sun was not shining, so there
+was little in it from the point of view of light; but the east end of
+the court is just a trifle higher than the other, so he chose that.
+
+I served first, and though I never peg them in to rabbits, I felt
+justified in sending down a medium-paced ball in my partner's interests.
+It pitched correctly, broke (unintentionally) and buried itself in
+Pattie's skirt.
+
+Fifteen-love.
+
+I banged my first ball to Wilbrooke with all my might. It fell within
+the Club precincts, but that's the best I can urge for it. My second was
+an easy lob, which he smashed, and, in spite of my efforts to give it a
+clear path, it caught me in the small of the back.
+
+Fifteen-all.
+
+My next serve to Pattie was a fault, which I followed up with an
+ordinary "donkey" drop, towards which she rushed in the impetuous
+fashion characteristic of the genuine rabbit, with the result that it
+bounced scathless over her head.
+
+Thirty-fifteen.
+
+I then got a fast ball over to Wilbrooke, but returning it was child's
+play to him, and he drove it like lightning down the centre-line before
+I had time to call "Leave it to you, partner."
+
+Thirty-all.
+
+Again I served Pattie a fault. At the second attempt the ball performed
+Blondin tricks on the wire of the net, and for one of those "moments big
+as years" I feared we had lost the game, the service to Wilbrooke being
+a mere formality; but fortunately the ball fell the other side of the
+net, and my third delivery Pattie tipped to the wicket-keeper.
+
+Forty-thirty.
+
+I now determined to send two--if necessary--fast ones to Wilbrooke on
+the chance that one might shoot and be unplayable. But my first ball
+went into the net, and the _locale_ of the second can only be dimly
+surmised, for it went over the fence into the open country.
+
+Deuce.
+
+It was at this point that I began to realize that so long as I did not
+serve a double-fault to Pattie, Wilbrooke could never win the game, and
+when we had played nine more deuces I communicated the intelligence to
+Joan. Meanwhile, the other sets had all finished, and the players came
+up to see why we were still hard at it. At the twenty-fourth deuce the
+Tournament secretary remarked: "Last game, I suppose? Hurry up, we can't
+get on." I explained to him that this was only the first game of the
+set, and that similar prolongations were likely to recur when my partner
+served in the third game and I again in the fifth.
+
+The news spread rapidly, and for a time we were the most unpopular
+quartet in the Club; but by the time we had reached our eighty-third
+deuce, and luncheon (the gift of Lady Boggles) was served, hunger and
+anger began to abate simultaneously, and the situation was discussed
+with humour to the exclusion of all other topics. At the end of the
+morning's play I was certainly feeling a trifle done up, but it says
+much for the recuperative properties of chicken galantine and junket
+that after the interval I felt quite invigorated and good for service
+_ad infinitum_. Efforts were made to induce us to toss for the set, but
+neither of us would consent to this, Wilbrooke maintaining that under
+normal conditions I could not possibly win the game, and I arguing that
+under existing conditions--with which I was more intimately concerned--I
+could not possibly lose it, and therefore to toss would be a mockery.
+Thus there was no alternative but to play on.
+
+I suggested to Joan that as her presence on the court was not strictly
+essential she should join in a friendly set with some of the other
+unemployed. But she would not hear of it. She wanted to be in at the
+finish, if there was ever going to be a finish, she said; and so we
+continued.
+
+When we were summoned to tea (kindly provided gratis by Miss Vera
+Boogles) we had amassed 265 deuces, and though my right arm ached and my
+service was a trifle wobbly I was still scoring the vantage point (and
+losing it at once) with the utmost regularity. But the temporary
+cessation of hostilities, associated with about half-a-pound of Swiss
+roll and three Chelsea buns, served to restore me, and after tea we went
+at it again until half-past seven, when, with the score at 394 deuces,
+the net got tired and collapsed, and we adjourned.
+
+We have since met on every available evening in our endeavours to bring
+the game to a conclusion; but the score is still deuce, and at that it
+will probably remain unless one of the following contingencies arises:--
+
+(1) Pattie may improve so much with the constant practice that she will
+be able to return my service; in which case it will settle the game, for
+wherever we put the ball Wilbrooke is bound to get hold of it and drive
+or smash it so that we can't return it.
+
+(2) I may serve Pattie a double-fault. But I am now in splendid
+training; my right biceps is like a cricket-ball, and I feel that I
+could serve all day without tiring. Besides, the quality of my service
+is improving, which counteracts, in a measure, the possible improvement
+in Pattie's game.
+
+(3) We may get a bright sunshiny evening, when the sun will be straight
+in Wilbrooke's eyes; in which case, with my improved service, I may
+possibly get a fast ball over which he will be unable to see.
+
+Anyway, it is now certain that I belong to the Bulldog Breed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Sir ERNEST SHACKLETON as reported in _The Evening News_:--
+
+    "The last articles which we took on board were two gramophones with
+    a large number of records and a case of hyacinth blubs."
+
+The last-named are often mistaken for spring onions by those who come
+too near with their lachrymal nerves.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: A SONG FOR THE HOLIDAYS.
+
+    "WHERE MY CARAVAN HAS RESTED."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+As in the enervating luxury of peace, so in the stern stringency of war
+we have always a use, and a good use too, for the humourist. But he must
+be a jester of the right sort; not bitter nor flippant, not over
+boisterous nor too "intellectual." Humour for humour's sake is what we
+want, and in these anxious hours something to make us laugh quietly and
+unhysterically, if only by way of temporary relief. Mr. IAN HAY hits the
+mark about eight times in every ten in _A Knight on Wheels_ (HODDER AND
+STOUGHTON), which is not at all a bad proportion for three hundred and
+nineteen pages. He has some delightful ideas, which, happily, he does
+not overwork: a case in point is the brief but rapid career of _Uncle
+Joseph_, who employs the most criminal methods in order to attain the
+most charitable ends. The story is a simple one--youth, laughter and
+love; and the motor car plays an important but not a tiresome part in
+it. The author's attitude towards women is slightly cynical but very
+lighthearted, and clearly he loves them all the time: indeed, I think
+Mr. HAY, while alive to existing faults, loves everything and everybody.
+In return most people will be prepared to love him. And he deserves to
+be loved for the sake of a book which has a happy beginning, a happy
+middle and a happy end, together with lots of incidental laughter.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"There is a teacup storm in the Close, I hear. The Dean altered the time
+of closing the Minster for summer cleaning or some such trifle, and did
+not consult the Chapter, which had already made its holiday
+arrangements." This sentence, chosen at random from _Quisquiliae_, the
+diary of _Henry Savile_, will do well enough to support my contention
+that _Dr. Ashford and His Neighbours_ (MURRAY) is going to be a great
+boon to the cathedral cities of our Midland shires. Under the form of a
+narrative of social life in Sunningwell, Dr. WARRE CORNISH has elected
+to arrange his views on religion, art, literature, politics and the
+questions of the day, sometimes putting them into the mouths of his
+characters and sometimes into the note-book of the afore-mentioned
+_Henry Savile_, a leisured cripple whose disquisitions on letters and on
+people are, if a trifle rambling, at any rate delightfully critical and
+much more interesting and profound than certain others which flow
+periodically from the windows of cloistered retreats. _Mr. Henry Savile_
+quotes from the Classics perhaps a little too freely for the taste of a
+decadent age, and his friends, _Dr. Ashford, Lady Grace_, the bishop's
+wife, _Olive_, her niece, and _Philip Daly_, nephew of an archdeacon and
+parliamentary candidate for Sunningwell, would be a little more amusing
+if they were treated in a more Trollopian manner, and did not so
+faithfully discuss the burning controversies of the time. But, after
+all, the great excitement in _Dr. Ashford and His Neighbours_ (and I
+really cannot advise any resident in--shall we say Mercia?--to be
+without it) is the chance it affords for such questions as: Who is the
+Dean? Does the author really mean Canon X? Are we living in Sunningwell,
+or is it L----? Even I myself, in this metropolitan backwater, have made
+one or two ingenious guesses, but wild taxicabs would not drag them from
+me.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+At this time of day to attempt criticism upon a new novel by MISS RHODA
+BROUGHTON seems almost impertinent. The tens of thousands to whom she
+has given such pleasure before now would probably be willing to read
+anything that was put before them with the guarantee of her name.
+Fortunately in the case of _Concerning a Vow_ (STANLEY PAUL) this
+confidence would be by no means misplaced. I can say at once, with my
+hand upon my reviewer's heart, that in freshness and vivacity and power
+of sprightly character-drawing here is a story that need fear comparison
+with none of its most popular predecessors. The vow of the title was
+that exacted by _Meg Champneys_ on her death-bed from her sister
+_Sally_, binding the latter not to marry _Edward Branley_. _Edward_, in
+some fashion that was never made quite clear to me, had previously
+jilted both the sisters. But this all happened before the beginning of
+the book. In it poor _Edward_ is made so pitiable and heart-broken a
+figure that I found it hard to credit his previous infidelities.
+However, most of the other characters detested him, and said that
+nothing was too bad for him; and as they themselves were delightful and
+quite human people I am ready to suppose that they had their reasons. Of
+course _Edward_ and _Sally_ were really in love all the time, and of
+course too they find resistance to this impossible; though I must own
+that their method of circumventing the vow reminded me dangerously of
+the young man who used a cigarette-holder because he had been told to
+keep away from tobacco. I speak flippantly; but as a matter of fact the
+story of _Edward_ and _Sally_ is not free from tragedy, very simply and
+movingly told. If _Concerning a Vow_ does not add to Miss BROUGHTON'S
+popularity it will only be because this is impossible; it certainly will
+do nothing to lessen it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Barber_ (_to victim._) "WHAT IS YOUR OPINION OF THE
+AEROPLANE AS A MILITARY ASSET?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I think that Mr. W. R. TITTERTON is a little late in the day; his book,
+_Me as a Model_ (PALMER), recalls happy memories of that past and
+already romantic period when _Trilby_ was the talk of the hour and Paris
+the centre of all Bohemian licence. Mr. TITTERTON has the DU MAURIER
+manner, but his jocular skittishness, aided by asterisks, exclamation
+marks and suspensive dots, has curiously little behind it. It is not
+enough to-day to paint the gay impropriety of models and the
+devil-may-care penury of lighthearted artists. _Trilby_ began the
+movement, _Louise_ ended it, and Mr. TITTERTON is behind his day. I am
+glad, however, to learn that he was so splendid a model. The students at
+JULIEN'S fall back aghast before his magnificent figure, and now, in
+every gallery in Europe, sculptures and paintings of Mr. TITTERTON are
+to be seen by the vulgar crowd, very often for no charge at all; and
+that, of course, is delightful for Europe. And, according to his title,
+that is doubtless the final impression that the author wishes to convey.
+I intend on my next trip abroad to search for Mr. TITTERTON in all the
+galleries. My only means of discovery are the pictures of the author
+with which his book is filled, and here, if the illustrator (a very
+clever fellow) is to be trusted, I am frankly puzzled by the attitude at
+JULIEN'S towards their model. There is very little in these
+illustrations to justify it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+If I am not mistaken, _The Jam Queen_ (METHUEN) marks the first
+incursion of Miss NETTA SYRETT into humorous fiction. In that, or any,
+case, she has written a story which deserves a considerable success.
+_The Jam Queen_ is to a large extent what would be called in drama a
+one-part affair. There are plenty of other characters, many of them
+drawn with much unforced skill, but the personality of the protagonist,
+the Jam Queen herself, overshadows the rest. _Mrs. Quilter_ is an
+abiding joy. There have been plutocratic elderly women, uneducated but
+agreeable, in a hundred novels before this; but I recall few that have
+been treated so honestly or with so much genuine sympathy. Mind you,
+Miss SYRETT is no sentimentalist. Ill-directed philanthropy, Girtonian
+super-culture, the simple life with its complexities of square-cut
+gowns and bare feet--all these come beneath the lash of a satire that is
+delicate but unsparing. Yet with it all she has, as every good satirist
+should have, a quick appreciation of the good qualities of her victims.
+Even _Frederick_, the pious, as contrasted with the flippant, nephew of
+aunt _Quilter--Frederick_, with his futile institute for people who want
+none of it, his blind pedantry, and his actual dishonesty in what he
+considers a worthy cause--even he is punished no further than his actual
+deserving. Perhaps in telling you that _Mrs. Quilter_ has two nephews,
+an idle and an industrious one, I have told you enough of the scheme. It
+is, after all, no great matter. _Mrs. Quilter_ must be the reason for
+your reading the book, and your reward. She is real jam.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The tales Miss ETHEL DELL includes Within _The Swindler_ (UNWIN) pleased
+me,
+
+    Not by their thrills or interludes
+      Of tenderness--these hardly seized me;
+    Not by their people, though the pack
+      Were amiable and pleasant creatures,
+    Barring the villains who were black
+      And villainous in all their features.
+
+    By none of these my pulse was jerked
+      Out of its normal calm condition,
+    But by the plots, with which I worked
+      A quite exciting competition;
+    A point was mine if, at the start,
+      I guessed the way a yarn was tending;
+    Miss DELL'S, if by consummate art
+      She failed to use the obvious ending.
+
+    The first two tales she won on; three
+      And four were mine; five hers; six, seven
+    And eight I got hands down; and she
+      Got square with nine and ten. Eleven
+    Is still unwritten, and I bide
+      Impatiently its birth, for that'll
+    Finally, so I trust, decide
+      The issue of our hard-fought battle.
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
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