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diff --git a/26119-8.txt b/26119-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c441cd8 --- /dev/null +++ b/26119-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2069 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 147, +August 12, 1914, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 147, August 12, 1914 + + +Author: Various + +Editor: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: July 24, 2008 [eBook #26119] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOLUME 147, AUGUST 12, 1914*** + + +E-text prepared by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer, and the Project +Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net) + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 26119-h.htm or 26119-h.zip: + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/6/1/1/26119/26119-h/26119-h.htm) + or + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/6/1/1/26119/26119-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 147 + +AUGUST 12, 1914 + + + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + + +A gentleman with a foreign name who was arrested in the neighbourhood of +the Tyne shipyards last week with measuring gauges and a map in his +possession explained, on being charged, that he was looking for work. It +is possible that some hard labour may be found for him. + + * * * + +"Members of Parliament will not suffer," was the comfortable statement +of Mr. JOSIAH WEDGWOOD during a speech on the subject of the War. As a +matter of fact, owing to the French cooks employed at the House of +Commons having returned to their country, the _menu_ at the House will +have to consist, until the end of the session, of plain English fare. + + * * * + +The foresight of the British Public in refusing to subscribe the large +amount of money asked of them for the Olympic Sports in Berlin is now +apparent. + + * * * + +Although still under twenty-one years of age, and therefore not yet +liable for military service, GEORGES CARPENTIER has gallantly joined the +colours as a volunteer. It would be pleasant if he and the Russian +HACKENSCHMIDT could shortly meet in Berlin. + + * * * + +A dear old lady writes to say that she was shocked to read that Sir +ERNEST SHACKLETON'S ship, on leaving the Thames, was hooted at by +sirens, and that such conduct makes her ashamed of her sex. + + * * * + +Meanwhile, thoughtful persons are wondering whether there will be any +fighting at the South Pole. It will be remembered that the Austrians +were also fitting out a South Pole expedition, and friendly rivalry +between the two nations may soon become impossible. + + * * * + +The W.S.P.U. has written to the Press to contradict the statement that +the Union has issued instructions that acts of militancy are to be +suspended during the European crisis. The Union, we understand, +considers the statement calculated to cause serious injury to its +reputation. + + * * * + +Which reminds us that _The Liverpool Evening Echo_ was, we fancy, the +only paper in the country to announce a sensational victory for +feminism, and we congratulate our contemporary on its _coup_. We refer +to the following announcement:--"At a meeting of the Fellows of All +Souls' College, Oxford, Mrs. Francis William Pember was elected Warden +in place of the late Sir William Anson." + + * * * + +The Hon. Sec. of the Fresh Air Fund appeals to ladies to send him their +hair combings, every pound of which will provide a poor child with a day +in the country. We like this idea of turning Old Hair into Fresh Air. + + * * * + +The London General Omnibus Company is appointing one lady and a number +of men to act as interpreters and guides. Their costumes, we should say, +will attract a considerable amount of attention, for the lady, we are +told, will wear a braided frock coat and black skirt and straw-topped +peak hat, while the men will work in double shifts. + + * * * + +By the way it is rumoured that several of our railway companies intend +to follow the example of the L. G. O. C. and employ interpreters to +translate to passengers the names of the railway stations as announced +by porters and guards. + + * * * + +At the recent meeting of the British Medical Association at Aberdeen a +doctor advocated the eating of onions and garlic. This should certainly +produce an uninhabited area in one's immediate neighbourhood, and so +render one less liable to catch infectious diseases. + + * * * + +"I know not," says Mr. ARNOLD BENNETT, "why I find an acrid pleasure in +beholding mediocrity, the average, the everyday ordinary, as it is; but +I do." Can it be, ARNOLD, because we are all attracted by our opposites? + + * * * + +We are authorised to deny the allegation that Lord GLADSTONE, when he +was booed upon his arrival at Waterloo from South Africa, remarked +gaily, "Ah, I see I have not done with my friends the Booers yet!" + + * * * + +It is nice to know in these days of lost reputations that Oriental +hospitality, at any rate, shows no signs of decadence. A correspondent +has come across the following announcement in a tailor's shop in +Tokio:--"Respectable ladies and gentlemen may come here to have fits." + + * * * * * + +Illustration: "DO YER LOVE ME, 'ERB?" + +"LOVE YER, 'LIZA, I SHOULD JEST THINK I DOES. WHY, IF YER EVER GIVES ME +UP I'LL MURDER YER! I CAN'T SAY MORE'N THAT, CAN I?" + + * * * * * + +COMMERCIAL CANDOUR. + + "The lasting delightful perfume of the age. One who can prove that + the perfume of _Otto Mohini_ is not lasting for four days by putting + five drops on the handkerchief will be rewarded Rs. 100 cash. Try + only small tube and get the reward."--_Advt. in "The Hitavada."_ + + * * * * * + + "Dr. Roux, head of the Pasteur Institute, has made a communication + to the Academy of Science showing microbes is not only possible, but + would be far better." + + _Rangoon Gazette._ + +But we don't quite see what the Academy can do about it. + + * * * * * + + "MINIATURE & PORTRAIT PAINTING + + MR. ALFRED PRAGA, R.B.A., + + President of the Society of Manicurists." + + _Advt. in "The Studio."_ + +We know an artist whose work gives us the impression that he might be +President of the Society of Chiropodists. + + * * * * * + + "Lord Provost Stevenson is proving a serious rival to Principal + MacAlister as a linguist. Sir Daniel yesterday addressed public + gatherings in English, Italian, and Spanish." + + _Glasgow News._ + +Now that he has mastered English, he must have a try at Scotch. + + * * * * * + +IMPERIAL CANDOUR. + + "You are Germans. God help us." + + Berlin Castle. _Signed "WILLIAM."_ + + * * * * * + +PRO PATRIA. + + England, in this great fight to which you go + Because, where Honour calls you, go you must, + Be glad, whatever comes, at least to know + You have your quarrel just. + + Peace was your care; before the nations' bar + Her cause you pleaded and her ends you sought; + But not for her sake, being what you are, + Could you be bribed and bought. + + Others may spurn the pledge of land to land, + May with the brute sword stain a gallant past; + But by the seal to which _you_ set your hand, + Thank God, you still stand fast! + + Forth, then, to front that peril of the deep + With smiling lips and in your eyes the light, + Stedfast and confident, of those who keep + Their storied scutcheon bright. + + And we, whose burden is to watch and wait-- + High-hearted ever, strong in faith and prayer, + We ask what offering we may consecrate, + What humble service share? + + To steel our souls against the lust of ease; + To find our welfare in the general good; + To hold together, merging all degrees + In one wide brotherhood;-- + + To teach that he who saves himself is lost; + To bear in silence though our hearts may bleed; + To spend ourselves, and never count the cost, + For others' greater need;-- + + To go our quiet ways, subdued and sane; + To hush all vulgar clamour of the street; + With level calm to face alike the strain + Of triumph or defeat;-- + + This be our part, for so we serve you best, + So best confirm their prowess and their pride, + Your warrior sons, to whom in this high test + Our fortunes we confide. + + O. S. + + * * * * * + +A DETERMINED ISLAND. + +Anything more peaceful than the outward aspect of the Isle of Wight, as +I have seen it from Totland Bay during the past week, it would be +impossible to conceive. For the most part the sun has been shining from +a blue sky on a blue and brilliant sea; men, women and children have +been swimming and splashing joyfully in a most mixed manner, and the +whole landscape has had its usual holiday air. These, however, are +deceptive appearances. We have felt and are feeling the imminence of +war, and, though our judgments are firm and patriotic and prepared for +sacrifice, our minds are clouded with a heavy anxiety. Our newspapers +arrive at about 11 o'clock, and at that hour there is a concentrated +rush to the book-shop. There we make our way through stacked volumes of +cheap reprints to the counter where two ladies are struggling womanfully +against the serried phalanx of purchasers. These two dive head-first from +time to time into a great pile of the morning's news and emerge +triumphantly with _The Times_ for Prospect House or _The Telegraph_ for +Orville Lodge, and so on through the crowd of applicants until all are +satisfied. This is the great event of our day. At the grocery stores on +the opposite side of the road, news telegrams are shown on a board, and +with these we eke out the knowledge of our fluctuating fate. Close by, +too, is posted up a proclamation by the officer commanding the troops in +the Island. He bids us not to walk too near a fort or to convey to any +casual person such knowledge as we may have gained about the movements +of troops, and we are commanded "to at once report" anything suspicious. +I am sure the gallant officer will display as much vigour in the +battering of his country's foes as he has shown in the splitting of the +KING'S infinitives. Going for my newspaper this morning I saw at a +distance an elderly gentleman of a serious aspect revolving steadily +round and round a tall iron post. It was not until I came closer that I +realised the meaning of his strange gyrations. The proclamation had been +inconsiderately pasted round the post and he was endeavouring to read +it. + +On Thursday last, nearly a week before the actual proclamation of war, +the wildest rumours were afloat here. A motherly lady assured me with a +smile that the German fleet might be expected at any moment. "The +British fleet," she told me, "has been overwhelmed and sunk in the North +Sea. The Germans have determined to capture the Isle of Wight, so we are +none of us safe." I asked her where she had heard this dreadful news. +"Oh, it's all over the village." Thereupon she moved calmly into a +bathing cabin and had a patriotic dip. In another quarter I was told +that the Island could not fail to be cut off, and awful things were +prophesied as to what would happen to us unless we made our way to the +mainland with the utmost promptitude. The supply of eggs was to run +short; meat was to go up to famine prices or be reserved entirely for +the soldiery, our intrepid defenders; bread was to become a luxury +obtainable only by millionaires. All this was reported on the authority +of a man who had it from another man who had it from a banker who was in +close touch with the War Office in London. So far what is true is that +steamers no longer come to Totland Bay, and anyone who wants to visit us +here can get no nearer by boat than Yarmouth--not, of course, the home +of the bloater, but our own little island Yarmouth, round the corner. In +the meantime a good deal of patriotic self-denial is going on amongst +the juvenile population. A friend of mine, aged seven, hearing the talk +about all the coming privations, has decided to remove chocolates, buns +and sponge-cakes from his dietary, and several young ladies have agreed +to take milk instead of cream with their breakfast porridge. + +This morning we were brought face to face with the grimmest reality of +war we have so far experienced. A boy-scout called at the house and +produced an official paper asking for the names and addresses of any +aliens who might be residing in the house. We have one such alien, a +German maid for the children, a most unwarlike and inoffensive alien. +Her name was entered on the form and the boy-scout disappeared to call +at other houses. Since then, at intervals of about half-an-hour, other +boy-scouts have called and produced similar forms. I have just dismissed +a party of three, telling them that they seemed to be overlapping. They +smiled and said, "Thank you," and retired. I look out of the window and +behold two more approaching. They are doing the thing thoroughly. + +P.S.--Another notice is out warning us that it is known there are a lot +of spies in the Island, and that we must not loiter near a fort lest we +be shot. It is rumoured that soldiers are to be billeted on us +(enthusiastic cheers from the younger members of the family). + + R. C. L. + + * * * * * + + "Turnip, beef, carrots, and onions, if of suitable variety, would in + a favourable autumn yield fair-sized bulbs."--_Manchester Evening + News._ + +_New Song._ "When father carved the bulb." + + * * * * * + +Illustration: BRAVO, BELGIUM! + + * * * * * + +VOLUMES. + +All books should be in one volume. I always thought so, but now I know. +The reason why I know is because I possess two or three thousand books, +and I have recently moved into a new house, and the books were at first +put on the shelves indiscriminately as they came out of the packing +cases. And how better spend a wet bank holiday than in arranging them +properly--bringing parted couples together, adjusting involuntary +divorces, reuniting the separated members of families and tribes? + +This is the merciful work on which Parolles and I have been engaged for +too long. (I call her Parolles because she is so fond of words of which +neither the meaning nor pronunciation has quite been mastered.) We meet +each other all over the house with pathetic inquiries, "Have you seen +Volume IV. of _Dumas' Memoirs_?" "No, but have you noticed Volume I. of +_Fors Clavigera_?" It is like a game of "Families." + +The worst of the game is that one cannot concentrate. I may ascend the +stairs bent wholly upon securing Volume III. of PROTHERO AND COLERIDGE'S +_Byron_, and then chancing to observe Volume II. of INGPEN'S _Boswell_ I +leap at it in ecstasy and, forgetting all about the noble misanthrope, +hasten back with this prize and join it to its lonely mate. + +My _Dictionary of National Biography_, for all its fifty-eight volumes, +not counting Supplements or Errata, was simple, on account of its size +and unusual appearance. But what word can I find to express the +annoyance and trouble given us by a small Pope in sheepskin? We roamed +the house together--there are shelves in every room--striving to collect +this family; but three of them are still on the loose. There is a +Balzac, too, in a number of volumes not mentioned on any title-page and +not numbered individually, so that time alone can tell whether that +group is ever fully assembled. But as we placed them side by side we +could almost hear them sigh after their long separation--though whether +with satisfaction or annoyance who shall say? Volumes, may be, can get +as tired of their companions as human beings can. + +During such an occupation as this a vast deal of time vanishes also in +trying to remember where it was that I saw that copy of _Friendship's +Garland_, so as to place it with the other Arnolds. Even more time goes +in dipping into books which I had clean forgotten I possessed, such as +_The Cricketers' Manual_, by "Bat," in which my eyes alighted upon this +excellent story: + +"The Duchess de Berri, being present at a match between two clubs of +Englishmen at Dieppe [in 1824], looked on very attentively for nearly +three hours, then, turning to one of her attendants, said, '_Mais, quand +est-ce que le jeu va commencer?_'" But the time which I have frittered +away in this frivolity is as nothing compared with that wasted by +Parolles, who has a way of subsiding upon the ground wherever she may +happen to be and instantly becoming absorbed in the printed page. It is +not as if she exercised any selective power, as I do. All books are the +same to her in that they contain type on which the eye can fasten to the +detriment of her labour. In every room I have stumbled over her long +black legs as she thus abused her trust. + +And not only has she read more than I have, but she has become steadily +dirtier than I, too; partly because of a native _flair_ for whatever +makes smears and smudges, and partly because, her hair being long and +falling on the page, owing to her crouched attitude when perusing, it +has to be swept back, and each sweep leaves its mark. Considering how +they set themselves up to be superior and instruct, books are curiously +grubby things. + +And, as I said before, they should be in one volume. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _First Politician._ "SAY, BILL, WOT'S THIS BLOOMIN' +MORTUARIUM THEY BE TARKIN' SO MUCH ABOUT?" + +_Second Politician._ "WELL, YE SEE, IT'S LIKE THIS. YOU DON'T PAY +NOTHIN' TO NOBODY AND THE GOVERNMENT PAYS IT FOR YE." + +_First Politician._ "WELL, THAT SOUNDS A BIT OF ALL RIGHT, DOAN'T IT?" + + * * * * * + +THE PROBLEM OF LIFE. + +The noise of the retreating sea came pleasantly to us from a distance. +Celia was lying on her--I never know how to put this nicely--well, she +was lying face downwards on a rock and gazing into a little pool which +the tide had forgotten about and left behind. I sat beside her and +annoyed a limpet. Three minutes ago I had taken it suddenly by surprise +and with an Herculean effort moved it an eighteenth of a millimetre +westwards. My silence since then was lulling it into a false security, +and in another two minutes I hoped to get a move on it again. + +"Do you know," said Celia with a puzzled look on her face, "sometimes I +think I'm quite an ordinary person after all." + +"You aren't a little bit," I said lazily; "you're just like nobody else +in the world." + +"Well, of course, you had to say that." + +"No, I hadn't. Lots of husbands would merely have yawned." I felt one +coming and stopped it just in time. Waiting for limpets to go to sleep +is drowsy work. "But why are you so morbid about yourself suddenly?" + +"I don't know," she said. "Only every now and then I find myself +thinking the most _obvious_ thoughts." + +"We all do," I answered, as I stroked my limpet gently. The noise of our +conversation had roused it, but a gentle stroking motion (I am told by +those to whom it has confided) will frequently cause its muscles to +relax. "The great thing is not to speak them. Still, you'd better tell +me now. What is it?" + +"Well," she said, her cheeks perhaps a little pinker than usual, "I was +just thinking that life was very wonderful. But it's a _silly_ thing to +say." + +"It's holiday time," I reminded her. "The necessity of sprinkling our +remarks with thoughtful words like 'economic' and 'sporadic' is over for +a bit. Let us be silly." I scratched in the rock the goal to which I was +urging my limpet and took out my watch. "Three thirty-five. I shall get +him there by four." + +Celia was gazing at two baby fishes who played in and out a bunch of +sea-weed. Above the sea-weed an anemone sat fatly. + +"I suppose they're all just as much alive as we are," she said +thoughtfully. "They marry"--I looked at my limpet with a new +interest--"and bring up families and go about their business, and it all +means just as much to them as it does to us." + +"My limpet's business affairs mean nothing to me," I said firmly. "I am +only wrapped up in him as a sprinter." + +"Aren't you going to try to move him again?" + +"He's not quite ready yet. He still has his suspicions." + +Celia dropped into silence. Her next question showed that she had left +the pool for a moment. + +"Are there any people in Mars?" she asked. + +"People down here say that there aren't. A man told me the other day +that he knew this for a fact. On the other hand, people in Mars know for +a fact that there isn't anybody on the Earth. Probably they are both +wrong." + +"I should like to know a lot about things," sighed Celia. "Do you know +anything about limpets?" + +"Only that they stick like billy-o." + +"I suppose more about them _is_ known than that?" + +"I suppose so. By people who have made a speciality of them. For one who +has preferred to amass general knowledge rather than to specialize it is +considered enough to know that they stick like billy-o." + +"You haven't specialized in anything, have you?" + +"Only in wives." + +Celia smiled and went on, "How do you make a speciality of limpets?" + +"Well, I suppose you--er--study them. You sit down and--and watch them. +Probably after dark they get up and do something. And of course, in any +case, you can always dissect one and see what he's had for breakfast. +One way and another you get to know things about them." + +"They must have a lot of time for thinking," said Celia, regarding my +limpet with her head on one side. "Tell me, how do they know that there +are no men in Mars?" + +I sat up with a sigh. + +"Celia, you do dodge about so. I have barely brought together and +classified my array of facts about things in this world, when you've +dashed up to another one. What is the connection between Mars and +limpets? If there are any limpets in Mars they are fresh-water ones. In +the canals." + +"Oh, I just wondered," she said. "I mean"--she wrinkled her forehead in +the effort to find words for her thoughts--"I'm wondering what +everything means, and why we're all here, and what limpets are for, and, +supposing there are people in Mars, if we're the real people whom the +world was made for, or if _they_ are." She stopped and added, "One +evening after dinner, when we get home, you must tell me all about +_everything_." + +Celia has a beautiful idea that I can explain everything to her. I +suppose I must have explained a stymie or a no-ball very cleverly once. + +"Well," I said, "I can tell you what limpets are for now. They're like +sheep and cows and horses and pheasants and--and any other animal. +They're just for _us_. At least so the wise people say." + +"But we don't eat limpets." + +"No, but they can amuse us. This one"--and with a sudden leap I was +behind him as he dozed and I had dashed him forward another eighteenth +of a millimetre--"this one has amused _me_." + +"Perhaps," said Celia thoughtfully and I don't think it was quite a nice +thing for a young woman to say, "perhaps we're only meant to amuse the +people in Mars." + +"Then," I said lazily, "let's hope they _are_ amused." + + * * * * * + +But that was nearly three weeks ago. Ten days later war was declared. +Celia has said no more on the subject since her one afternoon's unrest, +but she looks at me curiously sometimes, and I fear that the problem of +life leaves her more puzzled than ever. At the risk of betraying myself +to her as "quite an ordinary person after all" I confess that just at +the moment it leaves me puzzled too. + +A. A. M. + + * * * * * + +THE EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCE. + +It was a seaside railway station, the arriving place of one of those +health resorts where people flock in their millions to enjoy a little +peace and quiet together. He, no doubt as a punishment for a misspent +youth, was the station-master; she was one of those many kind ladies who +come to meet their relatives and to make their arrival even more +peaceful and quiet than such events usually are. + +"Was that the train from London?" she asked him. + +He temporized. "Have you asked a porter?" he enquired. + +She nodded. + +"And have you asked another porter?" + +She nodded again. + +"And then the foreman porter? And then a ticket collector? And then the +inspector? And then a casual post-man? And then did you come across your +original porter and try him again?" + +She admitted the list without a blush. + +"And now tell me all about your dear lost one--a weak, helpless man, no +doubt?" + +"It was my husband," she explained. + +"A medium-sized man, in a macintosh and a straw hat, of course?" + +She acquiesced. + +"But none the less," continued the official, "a man of sterling worth? +You do not think he can be in some lost property office _en route_, +waiting to be called for?" + +The suggestion was an attractive one, but was rejected. "Then," he said, +"let us go and discuss this intimate tragedy in some less public spot." + +He took her to his office and begged her to be seated. "Repose all +confidence in me, Madam," he said, "for I am not without experience in +husbands. Good fellows on the whole, with their gladstone bags and their +pince-nez and their unmistakable respectability. But somehow they have +not acquired the knack of arriving when they are expected. Yours is the +seventh who has failed us by this train. True, the other six were coming +from Liverpool, whereas the 6.30 has come from London, but that is no +excuse for them or us." + +"My husband is coming from London," she asserted, searching in her +reticule for documentary evidence. + +He looked out of the window, avoiding her eye. "In less than twenty +minutes we have a nice fat competent train arriving partly from +Birmingham, partly from Manchester, partly from Sheffield and partly +from Birkenhead. There is even a dusty bit at the end which will have +come all the way from Scotland, though why I cannot say. It will be +simply full of husbands; you wouldn't care to try it, at any rate to let +us show it you?" + +"But my husband," she repeated. + +"Is essentially a London man? Madam, we do not wish you to take any of +these husbands we shall show you if they do not suit your requirements; +but do let us show them you." + +"I know that my husband is coming from London," she persisted. + +"Believe me, Madam," he protested, "I should not accuse you of being +mistaken, even if your husband should prove to be in this train I +recommend. He might have deceived you." + +She refused to budge. "My husband's postcard says he is coming in the +6.30 train from London. The train has come and he is not in it." + +The station-master asked to be allowed to see the postcard, not, he +explained, because he didn't believe her, but because he would like to +have his worst suspicions of his Company's inefficiency confirmed. + +She handed it to him. He read the announcement, made briefly and without +enthusiasm, of the husband's proposed arrival "by the 6.30 train +to-morrow." The woman smiled with triumph; the station-master referred +to the postmark. He did not smile triumphantly. He was too old a hand +for that. + +"Will you allow me to intercede as a friend for all parties?" he asked. +"Give him and us another chance; go away now and give us all twenty-four +hours to think it over. Then call again, and, if your patience is +rewarded, be generous and forgive us all." + +After some debate she was induced to see reason in the proposal and +consented to take the lenient course. She rose to go. + +"And if," said the station-master, showing her out, "if a train should +arrive at 6.30 from London to-morrow and disgorge this husband of yours, +won't you do us all a little kindness? Won't you make a point of telling +the porter, all the porters, foremen porters, ticket collectors, +inspectors, casual postmen and even myself? You have no idea what a +change it would be for us to hear a lady saying, 'My husband ought to +have come by this train, and he has!'" + + * * * * * + +Illustration: FINANCIAL STRINGENCY AT THE SEASIDE; A GOOD PENNYWORTH. + + * * * * * + +OUR LOYAL STATUARY. + + "An attempt was made by the fountain in Piccadilly Circus to head a + procession for Buckingham Palace to pay homage to King + George."--_Daily Mail._ + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER SMART ARREST BY THE POLICE. + + "Sergt. ---- found Mrs. ---- sitting in a pool of blood in a + semi-conscious condition. The flow of blood was arrested, and a + doctor summoned."--_Northern Echo._ + + * * * * * + +OUR MUSICAL CORRESPONDENCE COLUMN. + +(_With acknowledgments to "The Musical Herald."_) + +_I THINK I am a tenor, but after taking lessons continuously for six +years from sixteen different masters I am still in doubt, and what is +more, I am not quite certain whether I want to be. Did not somebody once +say that a tenor was not a man but a disease? I am a healthy normal +subject, and recently won the lawn-tennis singles at our local +tournament. What puzzles me is my upper register. After reaching the top +A, if I relax the wind pressure and slant the voice in a slightly +backward direction towards the nasal cavities, I can produce a full rich +B flat, or even C, with the greatest ease. My family do not like it, but +family criticism is seldom satisfactory. Can you tell me whether this is +a legitimate use of my vocal resources or not; also, whether the +resinous quality of my voice is likely to be affected by my wearing +stand-up collars of more than 2-1/2 inches in height? I have read +somewhere that starched linen is a bad conductor of sound._--MARIO +JUNIOR. + +ANSWER.--It is hard to tell whether you are a tenor or a forced-up +baritone without hearing or seeing you. Tenors are generally short, +stubby men with brief necks, while baritones are for the most part tall, +spare and long-necked. It was HANS VON BÜLOW who said that a tenor was a +disease, but he was a pianist and a conductor. Do not "grouse" if you +can sing tenor parts and yet retain the volume and virility of a +baritone. JEAN DE RESZKE began as a baritone and is said to have earned +£20,000 a year. The nasal tone that you speak of, when it approximates +to the whinnying of a horse or, better still, the trumpeting of an +infuriated rogue elephant, is a most valuable asset, but should be used +with moderation in the family circle. Do not say "resinous"; "resonant" +is probably the word you mean. High stand-up collars are certainly to be +avoided, as they constrict the Adam's apple and muffle the tone of the +voice. A soft turn-down collar, such as those supplied by Pope Bros., is +greatly to be preferred and imparts a romantic and semi-Byronic +appearance highly desirable in an artist. + +_I am a railway porter with a good bass voice, and having read that the +great Russian singer who has been appearing at Drury Lane began life in +that position and is now paid at the rate of £400 a night, I am anxious +to follow his example, if I can obtain adequate guarantees of +success._--CLAPHAM JUNCTION. + +ANSWER.--It is always dangerous to generalise from exceptional +individual cases. Are you over six feet high, and have you corn-coloured +hair and blue yes, like CHALIAPINE? Again, Russian railway porters are +in the habit of shouting the names of stations, not only in a loud +voice, but with scrupulously clear articulation. Do not rashly abandon +your career on the railway on the off-chance of a vocal Bonanza. +Remember the words of the poet:-- + + O, ever since the world began, + There never was and never can + Be such a very useful man + As the railway porter! + +_My voice is of good compass and volume, but it is lacking in the "rich +fruity tone" which, according to popular novelists, is indispensable to +the exertion of a magnetic influence on the hearer. Is it possible by +diet to remedy this deficiency?_--CONTRALTO. + +ANSWER.--The use of an emollient diet is recommended by some authorities +with a view to improving and enriching vocal tone. You might try a +course of Carlsbad plums, Devonshire cream, and peach-fed Colorado ham. +But it is easy to overdo the plummy tone, which is apt to become +cloying. + +_Kindly explain the following terms taken from an article on SCRIABINE +which recently appeared in a leading daily paper: Psychical +conjunctivitis; Katzenjammer; Cephaloedematous; Hokusai; Asininity. What +is the difference between the portamento and "scooping"? Why do opera +singers show such a marked tendency to embonpoint? Am I wrong in +preferring the cornet to any other wind instrument?_--ANXIOUS ASPIRANT. + +ANSWER.--This is not a general information bureau, but we will do our +best. (1) Conjunctivitis is properly a disease of the eyes; "psychical +conjunctivitis" would be a sort of mental squint. "Katzenjammer" is the +German for "hot coppers." "Cephaloedematous" is not in the New Oxford +Dictionary, but apparently applies to a sufferer from swelled head. +HOKUSAI was a Japanese artist, and "asininity" is the special quality of +the writer of the article from which you have taken these words. (2) +"Scooping" is the vulgarisation of the portamento, (3) Operatic singers +grow stout because they drink stout; also because much singing +tends to expand the larynx, pharynx and thorax, as well as the +basilico-thaumaturgic cavities of the medulla oblongata. (4) There is +nothing criminal in preferring the cornet to any other wind instrument. +Many pious people prefer MARIE CORELLI to MILTON. + + * * * * * + +THE DOUBLE LIFE. + +When Araminta said that I must speak to the man next door about his +black cat, I was greatly perturbed. It appeared that the animal had +acquired the habit of spending the night in our house, and that Harriet +didn't like it. I said that black cats brought good luck, and, anyhow, +by night all cats were grey. Araminta replied that this one was as black +as a bilberry and took fish. Walking out into the garden I began to +meditate deeply. + +Perhaps you do not immediately grasp what a terrible and dangerous thing +it was that Araminta had requested me to do. Between next door +neighbours in the area of Greater London there subsist relations of an +infinite delicacy. They resemble the bloom upon a peach. They combine a +sense of mutual confidence and esteem with absolute determination not to +let it get any further. Mr. Trumpington (Harriet vouched for his name) +and myself were certainly acquainted. In a sense you may even say we +were friends. If I happened to be murdered or assaulted by a footpad +there was not the smallest reason to suppose that Mr. Trumpington would +refrain from giving the police every assistance in identifying the +criminal. Similarly, if Mr. Trumpington's house caught fire, it was +certain that I should be one of the first to offer him the loan of our +garden syringe. + +As things were, what happened was this. Twice or thrice a week we nodded +pleasantly to each other over the wall that divided our demesnes, +through the interstices of our respective hollyhocks; once, only once, +in a mad burst of irresponsible gaiety, Mr. Trumpington had gone so far +as to murmur, "Good aft-" to me, and I had responded effusively, +"-ernoon." + +And now all this atmosphere of quiet sociableness was about to be +destroyed through the paltry misdemeanours of a subfuse cat. For I had +not the smallest doubt as to what would happen. Mr. Trumpington was a +mild amiable-looking man. There was not the faintest prospect of his +flying into a rage. He would not say, "What right have you to interfere +with the private affairs of another man's domesticated fauna?" He would +not ask me why I had inveigled his beautiful black cat on to my +poisonous premises. No, we should talk together reasonably, amicably, +and as man to man. Mr. Trumpington would promise to do all he could to +give his cat pleasant, cheerful evenings at home, and I should agree +that it was very hard to prevent a young cat from wanting to see a bit +of life. "Cats," we should say, nodding our heads wisely, "will be +cats." + +And then from cats we should pass on to dogs, to sport, to politics, to +business, to heaven knows what. And the next day we should be compelled +to pick up our conversation where we had dropped it. We should discuss +our gardens and our family affairs. Things would go from bad to worse. +All our privacy and peace would disappear. We might almost as well break +down the wall that divided us at once. Possibly (thought of horror) his +wife would call on Araminta.... + +Still pondering ruefully, I turned round at the bottom of the garden +path, and behold, sitting on the party-wall between Mr. Trumpington's +garden and mine, was the debateable cat. An impulse of murderous rage +possessed me. I took an old golf-ball from my pocket and hurled it as +hard as I could at the potential destroyer of my peace. The black cat +was no sportsman. It dodged, and disappeared hastily on the Trumpington +side. At the same moment from behind a large clump of hollyhocks I heard +the sudden cry of a strong man in pain, followed by a stilled oath. I +squatted down instantly behind a thick rosebush; then, rising to peer +cautiously, I saw a most painful sight. I saw the horrible +transformation which may be caused in the features of an ordinary and +amiable man by an access of sudden rage and the impact of a brambled +golf-ball on the end of the nose. I squatted again. + +"Confound the infernal fool! Who did that?" said the face of Mr. +Trumpington, looking through the hollyhock peepholes, the buds of which +rapidly began to turn from a lightish pink to deep rose. + +It is always a more dignified policy to ignore a man in a temper, so it +was not until about ten minutes had elapsed, and silence reigned, that I +crawled painfully away into safety. + +About five minutes later a note was brought round by hand from next +door. It ran as follows:-- + +"Mr. Trumpington will feel greatly obliged if Mr. Brown will prevent his +black cat from constantly straying upon his, Mr. Trumpington's, +flower-beds. He also requests that when Mr. Brown wishes to persecute +his black cat he should not do so when the animal is sitting on Mr. +Trumpington's wall, as this practice is attended with considerable risk +to Mr. Trumpington's life and limbs." + +I sat down and wrote a reply. + +"Mr. Brown," I said, "greatly regrets that a golf-ball playfully thrown +at Mr. Trumpington's black cat whilst sitting on his, Mr. Brown's, wall, +should have caused annoyance to Mr. Trumpington." + + * * * * * + +When I went out into the garden on the following day I could see Mr. +Trumpington's head, tastefully framed in pink hollyhock buds, apparently +following the spoor of a green-fly. He looked up almost at once and +caught my eye, but made no sign of recognition. I breathed a sigh of +relief. Thank heaven, I thought to myself, the worst has not happened. +The danger that I feared yesterday has blown over. There is no immediate +prospect of Mr. Trumpington and myself becoming boon companions. I +strolled a little further down the path, and, still occupying its old +strategic position on the party-wall and licking its fur in the sun, I +beheld the black cat. + +As I approached him he smiled an ambiguous smile, and jumped down once +more upon Trumpington soil. A wave of great friendliness for the unhappy +quadruped swept over me. "Persecute," I thought; "not likely." I went +indoors and, after a short consultation with Harriet, came out again +carrying a small round fish-cake on a spoon. I lobbed it far and wide +over the wall, and it fell noiselessly and quite in the middle of Mr. +Trumpington's most buttony calceolaria-bed. Some time later I was +rewarded by the sight of a black cat stealing with a look of grateful +memory on its face towards the Trumpington back-door. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: Customer. "BUT THAT'S A FEARFUL PRICE FOR SHRIMP-PASTE." + +Grocer. "AH, BUT THESE ARE NORTH SEA SHRIMPS, MADAM." + + * * * * * + +Illustration: "I'D GIVE THE GERMAN EMPEROR WOT; I WOULD, STRAIGHT. I'D +PULL EVERY FEAVER AHT OF 'IS 'ELMET." + + * * * * * + +THE RESTORATIVE POWER OF MUSIC. + +My house, though in the eyes of the rate-collector fully occupied, has +now for several weeks stood with an unmistakably vacant stare. My cook +alone, with a young lady friend for company, dwells there. What our +great ballad-writers call the patter of tiny feet is stilled. The +seaside has demanded its toll, and I have for a time accompanied the +evacuating host. + +The other day, for a brief space, I returned home--a home which at the +first glance seemed to be as I had left it. But as I approached I was +confronted with a change. The gate, which in normal times used to swing +shakily on its hinges and keep on chattering against its post (in the +vain effort to shut) whenever the wind was in its teeth, now leaned +against an adjacent bush in listless inaction. One of its hinges had +been broken. I learned the details of the tragedy from the gardener. + +It was one of them I-talians, I gathered. Seeing, with the +nice instinct of their race, that my house must be the abode of +music-lovers--detecting this from various subtle signs invisible to +me--they had drored their horgan through the gateway and up the grand +carriage sweep which, leading to the handsome portico entrance, is one +of the outstanding features of all that well-situated and desirable +double-fronted brick and carved stone residential property which +recently I was wise enough to acquire for a mere song. Well, these +I-talians had drored their instrument up the drive and played to the +front door for ton minutes. The cook and her friend, I learned +afterwards, heard them and, being satisfied to enjoy the entertainment +without payment, had remained out of sight. For ten minutes they played, +the man turning the handle, his wife smiling and bowing to the windows. +Then, in the fine frenzy known to all great artists who are +unrecognised, they drored it down again to the gate. The fine frenzy was +proved by the fury with which the woman flung wide the portal that the +horgan might be drored out. She flung it back too far, and the hinge, a +soulless thing of cast-iron, snapped. + +The gardener--no musician--who had happened to see them arrive, and, +anticipating trouble, had been watching unperceived, hurried to the +scene of the catastrophe. + +"I knowed they was a-goin' to do it," he said, "the 'inge bein' in a bad +way already. It's lucky there was a policeman 'andy. I said you'd 'ave +the law of 'em." + +"But I don't want the law of them," I protested. + +"Well, they're going to pay for a new 'inge any'ow." + +"Rather hard luck on them, isn't it? I can't make them do that." + +"Don't you worry your 'ead, Sir," said the gardener. "It don't come out +of their pocket. All these I-talians is run by one man. Millionaire, so +they tells me. Any'ow, it's settled now." + +"Well, perhaps it'll teach them to be more careful." + +"I 'ope not, Sir," said the gardener. "'Ave another one or two of 'em in +'ere, and we'll get the gate so as it won't bang." + + * * * * * + +SCIENCE FOR THE YOUNG. + +"Aunt Phemie" in _The Globe_:-- + + "A hen is a bird and not an animal." + +This official statement will come as a great surprise to all our +feathered friends. + + * * * * * + + "He no longer on his return would proclaim to his brother that he + had beaten old Major Waggett (his especial foe) by two up and three + to play."--_Methuen's Annual._ + +And why not? Because his brother had just bought a shilling book called +"Golf for the Beginner." However, he could still tell his Aunt Lavinia, +who knew no better. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: FOR FRIENDSHIP AND HONOUR. + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +(EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.) + +_House of Commons, Monday, Aug. 3._ + +--When EDWARD GREY stood at Table to make momentous statement on +position of Great Britain confronted by spectacle of Europe in arms, he +faced a memorable scene. House crowded from floor to topmost range of +Strangers' Gallery. LANSDOWNE, "BOBS," GEORGE CURZON and other Peers +looked on and listened. Amongst them LORD CHIEF JUSTICE for first time +obtained view of House from novel point of vantage. + +Owing to spread of complications, supply of Ambassadors accustomed to +repair to Diplomatic Gallery restricted. No room for Germany to-day. +Absent, too, the popular figure of Austro-Hungarian Ambassador, familiar +these many years in London Society. Russia, Spain, Sweden and Greece +were there in the persons of their representatives; and Belgium, +conscious that words about to be uttered were big with her fate. + +The sight they looked down upon was strange and moving. Setting of scene +worthy of drama which finds no full parallel in world's history. Keen +eyes accustomed to study potentialities of nations discerned in the +gathering a new portentous fact. A week ago to-day political parties in +House of Commons preserved customary attitude of hostility. Across the +floor they snapped at each other distrust and dislike. Long-brooding +revolt of armed forces in Ireland had leaped into flame. Mob and +military had come to blows. Victims of the affray lay dead in the +streets of Dublin. In the House rancour between Unionists and Home +Rulers increasingly bitter. + +Here was opportunity for loyal and trusted friend on the Continent to +play long-planned game. England's difficulty was Germany's opportunity. +Swiftly, unscrupulously, taken advantage of. + +Foreign Representatives to-day beheld a startling transformation. Party +lines obliterated. LEADER OF THE OPPOSITION, whose conduct throughout +crisis has been splendidly patriotic, rallied his forces to the side of +Ministers. + +"Whatever steps they think it necessary to take for the honour and +security of this country," he said amid burst of general cheering, "they +can rely upon the unhesitating support of the Opposition." + +This attitude, in full accordance with highest tradition of British +Party politics, not unexpected. Glad surprise followed when JOHN REDMOND +assured the Government they might forthwith withdraw from Ireland every +man of their troops. + +"The coasts of Ireland," he added, "will be defended from foreign +invasion by our armed sons. For this purpose Nationalist Catholics in +the South will be only too glad to join hands with armed Protestant +Ulstermen in the North." + +Illustration: IN A JUST CAUSE. (Sir EDWARD GREY.) + +"The last time I saw rows of chairs brought in and set down on floor of +the House for convenience of Members who could not find room elsewhere," +mused the MEMBER FOR SARK, looking on from one of the side galleries, +"was in 1886, when GLADSTONE introduced his first Home Rule Bill. Twelve +months earlier, under guidance of Land League, Ireland was in a parlous +state. Coercion Act in full force. Jails thronged with patriots +convicted under its rigorous clauses. Still there were left at liberty +enough to maim cattle and shoot at landlords. If Germany had happened to +step in at that epoch it would have been a perilous time for England. +The House of Commons after many years' hesitation has offered to bestow +Home Rule upon Ireland and this is Ireland's first articulate response. +Her Nationalists range themselves with Ulster by the side of Great +Britain threatened by a foreign foe." + +_Business done._--FOREIGN SECRETARY, amid prolonged cheers, announces +that England means to stand by France in the coming war, and will fulfil +her Treaty obligations to Belgium. + +_Tuesday._--Rising from Treasury Bench PREMIER walked down House as if +he were about to leave it by glass door. Reaching the Bar he halted and +turned about to face crowded benches watching him with quickened +anxiety. Grave events have within the last few days made him the Herald +of War. What might be this new missive he held in his hand? + +"A message from HIS MAJESTY," he said, "signed by his own hand." + +Advancing to Table he handed document to the Clerk who passed it on to +SPEAKER. All heads were bared as Message was read. It announced that +Proclamation would forthwith issue mobilising the Regular Army and +embodying Territorial Forces. + +This the significant supplement to statement made by PREMIER immediately +on SPEAKER taking the Chair. It told how telegram had that morning been +sent to German Government demanding assurance of maintenance of Belgian +neutrality. + +"We have asked," said the PREMIER as quietly as if he were mentioning +request for early reply to a dinner invitation, "that a satisfactory +answer shall be given before midnight." + +House knew what that meant. On the stroke of midnight Great Britain and +Germany would be at war. + +A cheer almost fierce in its intensity approved the epoch-making +challenge. The House knew that England's hands were clean; that she was +spotlessly free from responsibility for the slaughter and sorrow, the +destruction of prosperous cities, the devastation of fruitful lands, the +breaking-up of Empires, that might follow on Germany's final +jack-booting of the emissary of peace. + +Since the danger-signal was flung out by thrusting to the front the +puppet figure of aged AUSTRIAN EMPEROR making ponderous attack on little +Servia, EDWARD GREY, representing a Ministry supported by a loyal +Parliament and a united Kingdom, has night and day been tireless in +effort to avert war. If yielded to, such interference would be fatal to +plans, diligently elaborated in the dark over a period of months, +probably a full year, by our old friend and frequent guest, the GERMAN +EMPEROR. + +Accordingly, after maintaining till last moment favourite disguise of +peacemaker "on easy terms with Heaven," WILLIAM, innocent sufferer by +"the menace of France," throws aside the cloak. + +House of Commons' immediate response was to pass in five minutes all +outstanding votes for Army, Navy and Civil Services amounting to +£104,642,055. + +_Business done._--PREMIER announces dispatch of ultimatum to Berlin and +imperative demand for answer before midnight. + +_Wednesday._--Benches less crowded than hitherto during week of +tumultuous interest. Explanation forthcoming in fact that something like +a hundred Members belonging to Territorial Service have buckled on their +armour and responded to call of mobilisation. + +PREMIER'S announcement that "since eleven o'clock last night a state of +war has existed between Germany and ourselves" hailed with deep-throated +cheer. Its volume nothing compared with that which burst forth when he +concluded statement with casual remark that to-morrow he will move a +Vote of Credit for one hundred millions sterling. Had he mentioned the +sum as an instalment paid in advance by Germany on account of war +indemnity House couldn't have been more jubilant. + +BYLES of Bradford uneasy in regard to Bill introduced by HOME SECRETARY +authorising imposition of restrictions upon aliens in time of war or +great emergency. Thinks it might cause inconvenience to worthy persons. +Otherwise Government receive unanimous support for various legislative +proposals rendered necessary by state of war. + +CHANCELLOR OF EXCHEQUER reports conclusions arrived at in conference of +leading bankers and manufacturers met at the Treasury to consider best +way of grappling with unprecedented financial situation created by +events of past fortnight. Happy thought to include in invitation his +predecessor at the Treasury. In accordance with patriotic spirit +obliterating party animosity, SON AUSTEN promptly accepted invitation. +Gives valuable assistance to LLOYD GEORGE in recommending proposals to +appreciative House. + +In short, whatever may be happening in Belgium or the North Sea, +Millennium reigns at Westminster. + +_Business done._--Many Bills advanced by various stages. + +_Thursday._--In moving Vote of Credit for one hundred million sterling +PREMIER wholesomely lets himself go in comment on the "infamous +proposal" of Germany that for a mess of pottage (extremely thin) England +should betray her ally, France. Crowded House loudly sympathised with +righteous indignation. + +Fresh burst of cheering when he pays finely phrased tribute to EDWARD +GREY, as the "Peacemaker of Europe." + +Captain Lord DALRYMPLE of the Scots Guards lends opportune gleam of +martial splendour to bench where he sits arrayed in khaki uniform that +has seen service in the Boer War. The PREMIER'S eye catching a glimpse +of it, he with great presence of mind asked for authority to strengthen +the army by an additional half-million of men. + +In its present mood the House denies him nothing. + +_Business done._--Vote of Credit for £100,000,000 granted with both +hands. + +_Monday, Aug. 10._--House adjourned till Tuesday the 25th. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: "ONE TOUCH OF POTSDAM...." + +Sir EDWARD CARSON. "A marvellous diplomatist, this German KAISER." + +Mr. JOHN REDMOND. "Yes, he's made comrades of us when everybody else had +failed." + + * * * * * + +The Mad Dog of Europe. + + "The dog, to serve some private ends, + Went mad and bit the man. + + * * * + + The man recovered from the bite; + The dog it was that died." + + _GOLDSMITH._ + + * * * * * + +"SCHOOL PLAYGROUNDS. + +THE PROPOSAL TO DECREASE THEIR SIZE TO THE EDITOR Of 'THE TIMES.'" + + _The Times._ + +And to increase it, we hope, to Mr. CHESTERTON. + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S HOLIDAY STORIES. + +(_Constructed after the best models._) + +I.--AN ALPINE ADVENTURE. + +(Concluded.) + +[_SYNOPSIS OF PRECEDING INSTALMENT_:--_Ralph Wonderson, the famous +athlete, while on a mountaineering expedition in Switzerland, encounters +Lady Margaret Tamerton, whom he has not seen since childhood. With her +are her brother, Lord Tamerton; her cousin, Sir Ernest Scrivener; and +three Swiss guides. They combine to make an ascent of the Wetterhorn +under Ralph's leadership. Early in the climb Ralph discovers that Sir +Ernest Scrivener is none other than his own mortal foe, Marmaduke +Moorsdyke. A perilous traverse of a glacier has to be undertaken. All +cross in safety except Sir Ernest, who makes imprudent remark which +causes a line of overhanging_ séracs _to collapse upon him and sweep him +down the glacier. Ralph dives unhesitatingly to the rescue of his +deadliest foe._] + +Rather than face a second traverse of the awful glacier the remaining +members of the party continued the ascent. With shaken nerves they +pressed on to the best of their ability, but it was nearly dark when +they at length reached the summit, hoping to find another and easier +route to the foot. + +But luck was against them. A devastating blizzard enveloped them, and +they lay huddled together behind a rock, chilled to the bone by the +driving particles of ice and snow. + +"There is no escape," said Lord Tamerton mournfully to his sister, Lady +Margaret. "We must prepare to meet our deaths like true mountaineers." + +"True fiddlesticks!" replied Lady Margaret with spirit. "Ralph will come +back to us." + +"Do you love him, Madge?" asked her brother. + +"Yes," she replied simply. + +"Then he will surely come back." + +Even as he spoke a tall figure loomed out of the blizzard and raised his +hat with cold formality. + +"Your cousin is safe in the hospital at Interlaken," said Ralph, +addressing Lord Tamerton with marked constraint. "He has merely +sustained a fractured patella. With your permission we will now +descend." + +"What is the matter, Ralph?" cried Lady Margaret pleadingly; but, +ignoring her question, he busied himself in tying on the rope. + +The descent which followed is still spoken of with bated breath by the +Swiss guides, than whom there is no more generous body of men in the +world. + +Unerringly Ralph led his companions through arêtes, glissades, +bergschrunds, rücksacs, gendarmes, vorwaerts, couloirs, aiguilles, never +hesitating, never flinching from any obstacle, heedless, it seemed, +alike of the raging blizzard and the ever-thickening darkness. At times +he was obliged to carry the others one by one along razor edges of hard +blue ice. At times he would cling precariously by one hand to a +projecting splinter of rock, while with the other he lowered them all +bodily into the depths of a crevasse, gripping his ice-axe meanwhile +steadfastly between his teeth. Once at least he was compelled to hang +downwards by his toes while he hewed steps beneath him in a +perpendicular wall of ice. And through it all his face retained its +stern impassivity and he addressed no word to his exhausted companions. + +At length the most wonderful feat in the history of climbing was +finished, and the party, weary but thankful, stood at the foot of the +mountain. + +The three guides fell on their knees before their rescuer, but he +ignored them and turned his cold, hard gaze upon Lady Margaret. + +"You are now safe," he said icily. "My presence is no longer necessary. +Take the third turning on the left, the second on the right and the +fifth on the left, and then ask again. Before I leave I ought perhaps to +congratulate you upon your approaching marriage to your--er--amiable +cousin;" and without waiting for a reply he was gone. + + * * * * * + +Alone, Ralph Wonderson sat upon a rock and reflected that no food had +passed his lips since that hurried breakfast in the Fahrjoch Hut. +Wearily he drew out a packet of sandwiches from his pocket. + +A moment later he was racing back to his former companions. In his day +he had been half-mile champion, but now he knocked a full minute off his +previous best time. + +He found the others as he had left them. Lady Margaret looked up with a +glad cry as he flew round the corner. + +"Madge," he cried, waving the piece of newspaper which had been wrapped +round his sandwiches,--"Madge, you _can't_ marry him!" + +Lord Tamerton leaped forward with a white face. "What do you mean?" he +hissed. "You are mad. She _must_ marry him, or the family is ruined." + +"She _can't_ marry him," repeated Ralph calmly. "Sir Ernest Scrivener +_alias_ Marmaduke Moorsdyke is married already! Read this." + +And he thrust the fragment of newspaper into Lord Tamerton's hand. + +With a low cry of content Lady Margaret fell into her lover's arms. "Oh, +my dear!" she murmured. + +And as they stood clasped in a close embrace the clouds parted and far, +far above them appeared the beautiful white summit of the Wetterhorn +shining dazzlingly in the sunlight. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: "BUSINESS AS USUAL DURING ALTERATIONS." + + * * * * * + +SPIT FOR SPAT. + +Orator, in Hyde Park:-- + + "An' when the German Ambassador left St. Petersburg 'e spat in the + Russian Ambassador's face. An' the Russian Ambassador in Berlin 'e + spat in the German Ambassador's face." + + * * * * * + +IN ORDER OF MERIT? + + "Full reports of the Petersfield Gymkhana, Eastmeon Show, and + Liphook Horticultural Exhibition and Sports, will be published in + to-morrow's issue of the 'Hampshire Telegraph and Post,' which will + contain also a complete record of news of the Great European + War."--_Portsmouth Evening News._ + + * * * * * + +The following letter was addressed to a Hong Kong chaplain by his +orderly:-- + + "Pleas sur excuse me this morning for I ham sitting for my examining + asion at the peak schools for my certificate sur and I will be down + as soon as possible sur to deliver the letters sur And if I ant + there before you go away sur put the keys under the steeps sur." + +We feel confident he passed all right. + + * * * * * + +ON ACTIVE SERVICE. + +Every August Bank Holiday we have a short Mixed Open Tournament at our +lawn-tennis club. It's quite a small, homely affair, but as our +President, Sir Benjamin Boogles, always offers two valuable prizes +(hall-marked), every member who can possibly enter does so. Each year +hitherto the Tournament has been finished in the one day; but this year +it is not finished yet--in fact, in one instance the first game of the +first set is still undecided, and the winners in the other sets are +anxiously awaiting the result in order that the second round may proceed +before the end of the season. As I am one of the actors--I might almost +say the protagonist--in this protracted drama, I will explain the +position. + +Wilbrooke, our crack player, who can easily give most of us forty and a +bonus of five games in the set, and still beat us, recently became +engaged to Pattie Blobson, who is a hopeless rabbit at the game, this +being her first season. Not unnaturally she insisted on his entering the +Tournament with her. I always enter with Joan, and though we are neither +of us exactly rabbits it would be rather hard to find a zoological term +that would fittingly describe our standard of play. Of course there is +no handicapping in "Opens," and Joan and I usually reckon to be knocked +out in the second round at latest, though we did once get into the third +round owing to one of our opponents, a doctor, being summoned to a case +in the middle of play. + +Now this year we both thought our tennis would be over for the day after +the first quarter of an hour, as we were drawn to play our first round +against Wilbrooke and Pattie. However, I won the toss, and to that fact +the subsequent _impasse_ may be attributed. I elected to serve first, +leaving Wilbrooke the choice of sides. The sun was not shining, so there +was little in it from the point of view of light; but the east end of +the court is just a trifle higher than the other, so he chose that. + +I served first, and though I never peg them in to rabbits, I felt +justified in sending down a medium-paced ball in my partner's interests. +It pitched correctly, broke (unintentionally) and buried itself in +Pattie's skirt. + +Fifteen-love. + +I banged my first ball to Wilbrooke with all my might. It fell within +the Club precincts, but that's the best I can urge for it. My second was +an easy lob, which he smashed, and, in spite of my efforts to give it a +clear path, it caught me in the small of the back. + +Fifteen-all. + +My next serve to Pattie was a fault, which I followed up with an +ordinary "donkey" drop, towards which she rushed in the impetuous +fashion characteristic of the genuine rabbit, with the result that it +bounced scathless over her head. + +Thirty-fifteen. + +I then got a fast ball over to Wilbrooke, but returning it was child's +play to him, and he drove it like lightning down the centre-line before +I had time to call "Leave it to you, partner." + +Thirty-all. + +Again I served Pattie a fault. At the second attempt the ball performed +Blondin tricks on the wire of the net, and for one of those "moments big +as years" I feared we had lost the game, the service to Wilbrooke being +a mere formality; but fortunately the ball fell the other side of the +net, and my third delivery Pattie tipped to the wicket-keeper. + +Forty-thirty. + +I now determined to send two--if necessary--fast ones to Wilbrooke on +the chance that one might shoot and be unplayable. But my first ball +went into the net, and the _locale_ of the second can only be dimly +surmised, for it went over the fence into the open country. + +Deuce. + +It was at this point that I began to realize that so long as I did not +serve a double-fault to Pattie, Wilbrooke could never win the game, and +when we had played nine more deuces I communicated the intelligence to +Joan. Meanwhile, the other sets had all finished, and the players came +up to see why we were still hard at it. At the twenty-fourth deuce the +Tournament secretary remarked: "Last game, I suppose? Hurry up, we can't +get on." I explained to him that this was only the first game of the +set, and that similar prolongations were likely to recur when my partner +served in the third game and I again in the fifth. + +The news spread rapidly, and for a time we were the most unpopular +quartet in the Club; but by the time we had reached our eighty-third +deuce, and luncheon (the gift of Lady Boggles) was served, hunger and +anger began to abate simultaneously, and the situation was discussed +with humour to the exclusion of all other topics. At the end of the +morning's play I was certainly feeling a trifle done up, but it says +much for the recuperative properties of chicken galantine and junket +that after the interval I felt quite invigorated and good for service +_ad infinitum_. Efforts were made to induce us to toss for the set, but +neither of us would consent to this, Wilbrooke maintaining that under +normal conditions I could not possibly win the game, and I arguing that +under existing conditions--with which I was more intimately concerned--I +could not possibly lose it, and therefore to toss would be a mockery. +Thus there was no alternative but to play on. + +I suggested to Joan that as her presence on the court was not strictly +essential she should join in a friendly set with some of the other +unemployed. But she would not hear of it. She wanted to be in at the +finish, if there was ever going to be a finish, she said; and so we +continued. + +When we were summoned to tea (kindly provided gratis by Miss Vera +Boogles) we had amassed 265 deuces, and though my right arm ached and my +service was a trifle wobbly I was still scoring the vantage point (and +losing it at once) with the utmost regularity. But the temporary +cessation of hostilities, associated with about half-a-pound of Swiss +roll and three Chelsea buns, served to restore me, and after tea we went +at it again until half-past seven, when, with the score at 394 deuces, +the net got tired and collapsed, and we adjourned. + +We have since met on every available evening in our endeavours to bring +the game to a conclusion; but the score is still deuce, and at that it +will probably remain unless one of the following contingencies arises:-- + +(1) Pattie may improve so much with the constant practice that she will +be able to return my service; in which case it will settle the game, for +wherever we put the ball Wilbrooke is bound to get hold of it and drive +or smash it so that we can't return it. + +(2) I may serve Pattie a double-fault. But I am now in splendid +training; my right biceps is like a cricket-ball, and I feel that I +could serve all day without tiring. Besides, the quality of my service +is improving, which counteracts, in a measure, the possible improvement +in Pattie's game. + +(3) We may get a bright sunshiny evening, when the sun will be straight +in Wilbrooke's eyes; in which case, with my improved service, I may +possibly get a fast ball over which he will be unable to see. + +Anyway, it is now certain that I belong to the Bulldog Breed. + + * * * * * + +Sir ERNEST SHACKLETON as reported in _The Evening News_:-- + + "The last articles which we took on board were two gramophones with + a large number of records and a case of hyacinth blubs." + +The last-named are often mistaken for spring onions by those who come +too near with their lachrymal nerves. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: A SONG FOR THE HOLIDAYS. + + "WHERE MY CARAVAN HAS RESTED." + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +As in the enervating luxury of peace, so in the stern stringency of war +we have always a use, and a good use too, for the humourist. But he must +be a jester of the right sort; not bitter nor flippant, not over +boisterous nor too "intellectual." Humour for humour's sake is what we +want, and in these anxious hours something to make us laugh quietly and +unhysterically, if only by way of temporary relief. Mr. IAN HAY hits the +mark about eight times in every ten in _A Knight on Wheels_ (HODDER AND +STOUGHTON), which is not at all a bad proportion for three hundred and +nineteen pages. He has some delightful ideas, which, happily, he does +not overwork: a case in point is the brief but rapid career of _Uncle +Joseph_, who employs the most criminal methods in order to attain the +most charitable ends. The story is a simple one--youth, laughter and +love; and the motor car plays an important but not a tiresome part in +it. The author's attitude towards women is slightly cynical but very +lighthearted, and clearly he loves them all the time: indeed, I think +Mr. HAY, while alive to existing faults, loves everything and everybody. +In return most people will be prepared to love him. And he deserves to +be loved for the sake of a book which has a happy beginning, a happy +middle and a happy end, together with lots of incidental laughter. + + * * * * * + +"There is a teacup storm in the Close, I hear. The Dean altered the time +of closing the Minster for summer cleaning or some such trifle, and did +not consult the Chapter, which had already made its holiday +arrangements." This sentence, chosen at random from _Quisquiliae_, the +diary of _Henry Savile_, will do well enough to support my contention +that _Dr. Ashford and His Neighbours_ (MURRAY) is going to be a great +boon to the cathedral cities of our Midland shires. Under the form of a +narrative of social life in Sunningwell, Dr. WARRE CORNISH has elected +to arrange his views on religion, art, literature, politics and the +questions of the day, sometimes putting them into the mouths of his +characters and sometimes into the note-book of the afore-mentioned +_Henry Savile_, a leisured cripple whose disquisitions on letters and on +people are, if a trifle rambling, at any rate delightfully critical and +much more interesting and profound than certain others which flow +periodically from the windows of cloistered retreats. _Mr. Henry Savile_ +quotes from the Classics perhaps a little too freely for the taste of a +decadent age, and his friends, _Dr. Ashford, Lady Grace_, the bishop's +wife, _Olive_, her niece, and _Philip Daly_, nephew of an archdeacon and +parliamentary candidate for Sunningwell, would be a little more amusing +if they were treated in a more Trollopian manner, and did not so +faithfully discuss the burning controversies of the time. But, after +all, the great excitement in _Dr. Ashford and His Neighbours_ (and I +really cannot advise any resident in--shall we say Mercia?--to be +without it) is the chance it affords for such questions as: Who is the +Dean? Does the author really mean Canon X? Are we living in Sunningwell, +or is it L----? Even I myself, in this metropolitan backwater, have made +one or two ingenious guesses, but wild taxicabs would not drag them from +me. + + * * * * * + +At this time of day to attempt criticism upon a new novel by MISS RHODA +BROUGHTON seems almost impertinent. The tens of thousands to whom she +has given such pleasure before now would probably be willing to read +anything that was put before them with the guarantee of her name. +Fortunately in the case of _Concerning a Vow_ (STANLEY PAUL) this +confidence would be by no means misplaced. I can say at once, with my +hand upon my reviewer's heart, that in freshness and vivacity and power +of sprightly character-drawing here is a story that need fear comparison +with none of its most popular predecessors. The vow of the title was +that exacted by _Meg Champneys_ on her death-bed from her sister +_Sally_, binding the latter not to marry _Edward Branley_. _Edward_, in +some fashion that was never made quite clear to me, had previously +jilted both the sisters. But this all happened before the beginning of +the book. In it poor _Edward_ is made so pitiable and heart-broken a +figure that I found it hard to credit his previous infidelities. +However, most of the other characters detested him, and said that +nothing was too bad for him; and as they themselves were delightful and +quite human people I am ready to suppose that they had their reasons. Of +course _Edward_ and _Sally_ were really in love all the time, and of +course too they find resistance to this impossible; though I must own +that their method of circumventing the vow reminded me dangerously of +the young man who used a cigarette-holder because he had been told to +keep away from tobacco. I speak flippantly; but as a matter of fact the +story of _Edward_ and _Sally_ is not free from tragedy, very simply and +movingly told. If _Concerning a Vow_ does not add to Miss BROUGHTON'S +popularity it will only be because this is impossible; it certainly will +do nothing to lessen it. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _Barber_ (_to victim._) "WHAT IS YOUR OPINION OF THE +AEROPLANE AS A MILITARY ASSET?" + + * * * * * + +I think that Mr. W. R. TITTERTON is a little late in the day; his book, +_Me as a Model_ (PALMER), recalls happy memories of that past and +already romantic period when _Trilby_ was the talk of the hour and Paris +the centre of all Bohemian licence. Mr. TITTERTON has the DU MAURIER +manner, but his jocular skittishness, aided by asterisks, exclamation +marks and suspensive dots, has curiously little behind it. It is not +enough to-day to paint the gay impropriety of models and the +devil-may-care penury of lighthearted artists. _Trilby_ began the +movement, _Louise_ ended it, and Mr. TITTERTON is behind his day. I am +glad, however, to learn that he was so splendid a model. The students at +JULIEN'S fall back aghast before his magnificent figure, and now, in +every gallery in Europe, sculptures and paintings of Mr. TITTERTON are +to be seen by the vulgar crowd, very often for no charge at all; and +that, of course, is delightful for Europe. And, according to his title, +that is doubtless the final impression that the author wishes to convey. +I intend on my next trip abroad to search for Mr. TITTERTON in all the +galleries. My only means of discovery are the pictures of the author +with which his book is filled, and here, if the illustrator (a very +clever fellow) is to be trusted, I am frankly puzzled by the attitude at +JULIEN'S towards their model. There is very little in these +illustrations to justify it. + + * * * * * + +If I am not mistaken, _The Jam Queen_ (METHUEN) marks the first +incursion of Miss NETTA SYRETT into humorous fiction. In that, or any, +case, she has written a story which deserves a considerable success. +_The Jam Queen_ is to a large extent what would be called in drama a +one-part affair. There are plenty of other characters, many of them +drawn with much unforced skill, but the personality of the protagonist, +the Jam Queen herself, overshadows the rest. _Mrs. Quilter_ is an +abiding joy. There have been plutocratic elderly women, uneducated but +agreeable, in a hundred novels before this; but I recall few that have +been treated so honestly or with so much genuine sympathy. Mind you, +Miss SYRETT is no sentimentalist. Ill-directed philanthropy, Girtonian +super-culture, the simple life with its complexities of square-cut +gowns and bare feet--all these come beneath the lash of a satire that is +delicate but unsparing. Yet with it all she has, as every good satirist +should have, a quick appreciation of the good qualities of her victims. +Even _Frederick_, the pious, as contrasted with the flippant, nephew of +aunt _Quilter--Frederick_, with his futile institute for people who want +none of it, his blind pedantry, and his actual dishonesty in what he +considers a worthy cause--even he is punished no further than his actual +deserving. Perhaps in telling you that _Mrs. Quilter_ has two nephews, +an idle and an industrious one, I have told you enough of the scheme. It +is, after all, no great matter. _Mrs. Quilter_ must be the reason for +your reading the book, and your reward. She is real jam. + + * * * * * + +The tales Miss ETHEL DELL includes Within _The Swindler_ (UNWIN) pleased +me, + + Not by their thrills or interludes + Of tenderness--these hardly seized me; + Not by their people, though the pack + Were amiable and pleasant creatures, + Barring the villains who were black + And villainous in all their features. + + By none of these my pulse was jerked + Out of its normal calm condition, + But by the plots, with which I worked + A quite exciting competition; + A point was mine if, at the start, + I guessed the way a yarn was tending; + Miss DELL'S, if by consummate art + She failed to use the obvious ending. + + The first two tales she won on; three + And four were mine; five hers; six, seven + And eight I got hands down; and she + Got square with nine and ten. Eleven + Is still unwritten, and I bide + Impatiently its birth, for that'll + Finally, so I trust, decide + The issue of our hard-fought battle. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOLUME 147, AUGUST 12, 1914*** + + +******* This file should be named 26119-8.txt or 26119-8.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/6/1/1/26119 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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