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diff --git a/25919.txt b/25919.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ac44ac0 --- /dev/null +++ b/25919.txt @@ -0,0 +1,9506 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Miss Mapp, by Edward Frederic Benson + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Miss Mapp + +Author: Edward Frederic Benson + +Release Date: June 28, 2008 [EBook #25919] +[Last updated: September 26, 2012] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MISS MAPP *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, LN Yaddanapudi and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries) + + + + + + + + + + _MISS MAPP_ + + _By E. F. Benson, Author of "Queen Lucia." "Dodo Wonders." &c._ + + + _McCLELLAND & STEWART, LTD., + TORONTO_ + + + + +PREFACE + + +I lingered at the window of the garden-room from which Miss Mapp so +often and so ominously looked forth. To the left was the front of her +house, straight ahead the steep cobbled way, with a glimpse of the High +Street at the end, to the right the crooked chimney and the church. + +The street was populous with passengers, but search as I might, I could +see none who ever so remotely resembled the objects of her vigilance. + +E. F. BENSON. + +Lamb House, Rye. + + +_Printed in Great Britain._ + + + + +CHAPTER I + + +Miss Elizabeth Mapp might have been forty, and she had taken advantage +of this opportunity by being just a year or two older. Her face was of +high vivid colour and was corrugated by chronic rage and curiosity; but +these vivifying emotions had preserved to her an astonishing activity of +mind and body, which fully accounted for the comparative adolescence +with which she would have been credited anywhere except in the charming +little town which she had inhabited so long. Anger and the gravest +suspicions about everybody had kept her young and on the boil. + +She sat, on this hot July morning, like a large bird of prey at the very +convenient window of her garden-room, the ample bow of which formed a +strategical point of high value. This garden-room, solid and spacious, +was built at right angles to the front of her house, and looked straight +down the very interesting street which debouched at its lower end into +the High Street of Tilling. Exactly opposite her front door the road +turned sharply, so that as she looked out from this projecting window, +her own house was at right angles on her left, the street in question +plunged steeply downwards in front of her, and to her right she +commanded an uninterrupted view of its further course which terminated +in the disused graveyard surrounding the big Norman church. Anything of +interest about the church, however, could be gleaned from a guide-book, +and Miss Mapp did not occupy herself much with such coldly venerable +topics. Far more to her mind was the fact that between the church and +her strategic window was the cottage in which her gardener lived, and +she could thus see, when not otherwise engaged, whether he went home +before twelve, or failed to get back to her garden again by one, for he +had to cross the street in front of her very eyes. Similarly she could +observe whether any of his abandoned family ever came out from her +garden door weighted with suspicious baskets, which might contain +smuggled vegetables. Only yesterday morning she had hurried forth with a +dangerous smile to intercept a laden urchin, with inquiries as to what +was in "that nice basket." On that occasion that nice basket had proved +to contain a strawberry net which was being sent for repair to the +gardener's wife; so there was nothing more to be done except verify its +return. This she did from a side window of the garden-room which +commanded the strawberry beds; she could sit quite close to that, for it +was screened by the large-leaved branches of a fig-tree and she could +spy unseen. + +Otherwise this road to the right leading up to the church was of no +great importance (except on Sunday morning, when she could get a +practically complete list of those who attended Divine Service), for no +one of real interest lived in the humble dwellings which lined it. To +the left was the front of her own house at right angles to the strategic +window, and with regard to that a good many useful observations might +be, and were, made. She could, from behind a curtain negligently +half-drawn across the side of the window nearest the house, have an eye +on her housemaid at work, and notice if she leaned out of a window, or +made remarks to a friend passing in the street, or waved salutations +with a duster. Swift upon such discoveries, she would execute a flank +march across the few steps of garden and steal into the house, +noiselessly ascend the stairs, and catch the offender red-handed at this +public dalliance. But all such domestic espionage to right and left was +flavourless and insipid compared to the tremendous discoveries which +daily and hourly awaited the trained observer of the street that lay +directly in front of her window. + +There was little that concerned the social movements of Tilling that +could not be proved, or at least reasonably conjectured, from Miss +Mapp's eyrie. Just below her house on the left stood Major Flint's +residence, of Georgian red brick like her own, and opposite was that of +Captain Puffin. They were both bachelors, though Major Flint was +generally supposed to have been the hero of some amazingly amorous +adventures in early life, and always turned the subject with great +abruptness when anything connected with duelling was mentioned. It was +not, therefore, unreasonable to infer that he had had experiences of a +bloody sort, and colour was added to this romantic conjecture by the +fact that in damp, rheumatic weather his left arm was very stiff, and he +had been known to say that his wound troubled him. What wound that was +no one exactly knew (it might have been anything from a vaccination mark +to a sabre-cut), for having said that his wound troubled him, he would +invariably add: "Pshaw! that's enough about an old campaigner"; and +though he might subsequently talk of nothing else except the old +campaigner, he drew a veil over his old campaigns. That he had seen +service in India was, indeed, probable by his referring to lunch as +tiffin, and calling to his parlour-maid with the ejaculation of +"Qui-hi." As her name was Sarah, this was clearly a reminiscence of days +in bungalows. When not in a rage, his manner to his own sex was bluff +and hearty; but whether in a rage or not, his manner to the fairies, or +lovely women, was gallant and pompous in the extreme. He certainly had a +lock of hair in a small gold specimen case on his watch-chain, and had +been seen to kiss it when, rather carelessly, he thought that he was +unobserved. + +Miss Mapp's eye, as she took her seat in her window on this sunny July +morning, lingered for a moment on the Major's house, before she +proceeded to give a disgusted glance at the pictures on the back page of +her morning illustrated paper, which chiefly represented young women +dancing in rings in the surf, or lying on the beach in attitudes which +Miss Mapp would have scorned to adjust herself to. Neither the Major nor +Captain Puffin were very early risers, but it was about time that the +first signals of animation might be expected. Indeed, at this moment, +she quite distinctly heard that muffled roar which to her experienced +ear was easily interpreted to be "Qui-hi!" + +"So the Major has just come down to breakfast," she mechanically +inferred, "and it's close on ten o'clock. Let me see: Tuesday, Thursday, +Saturday--Porridge morning." + +Her penetrating glance shifted to the house exactly opposite to that in +which it was porridge morning, and even as she looked a hand was thrust +out of a small upper window and deposited a sponge on the sill. Then +from the inside the lower sash was thrust firmly down, so as to prevent +the sponge from blowing away and falling into the street. Captain +Puffin, it was therefore clear, was a little later than the Major that +morning. But he always shaved and brushed his teeth before his bath, so +that there was but a few minutes between them. + +General manoeuvres in Tilling, the gradual burstings of fluttering life +from the chrysalis of the night, the emergence of the ladies of the town +with their wicker-baskets in their hands for housekeeping purchases, the +exodus of men to catch the 11.20 a.m. steam-tram out to the golf links, +and other first steps in the duties and diversions of the day, did not +get into full swing till half-past ten, and Miss Mapp had ample time to +skim the headlines of her paper and indulge in chaste meditations about +the occupants of these two houses, before she need really make herself +alert to miss nothing. Of the two, Major Flint, without doubt, was the +more attractive to the feminine sense; for years Miss Mapp had tried to +cajole him into marrying her, and had not nearly finished yet. With his +record of adventure, with the romantic reek of India (and camphor) in +the tiger-skin of the rugs that strewed his hall and surged like a +rising tide up the wall, with his haughty and gallant manner, with his +loud pshawings and sniffs at "nonsense and balderdash," his thumpings on +the table to emphasize an argument, with his wound and his prodigious +swipes at golf, his intolerance of any who believed in ghosts, microbes +or vegetarianism, there was something dashing and risky about him; you +felt that you were in the presence of some hot coal straight from the +furnace of creation. Captain Puffin, on the other hand, was of clay so +different that he could hardly be considered to be made of clay at all. +He was lame and short and meagre, with strings of peaceful beads and +Papuan aprons in his hall instead of wild tiger-skins, and had a jerky, +inattentive manner and a high pitched voice. Yet to Miss Mapp's mind +there was something behind his unimpressiveness that had a mysterious +quality--all the more so, because nothing of it appeared on the surface. +Nobody could call Major Flint, with his bawlings and his sniffings, the +least mysterious. He laid all his loud cards on the table, great hulking +kings and aces. But Miss Mapp felt far from sure that Captain Puffin did +not hold a joker which would some time come to light. The idea of being +Mrs. Puffin was not so attractive as the other, but she occasionally +gave it her remote consideration. + +Yet there was mystery about them both, in spite of the fact that most of +their movements were so amply accounted for. As a rule, they played golf +together in the morning, reposed in the afternoon, as could easily be +verified by anyone standing on a still day in the road between their +houses and listening to the loud and rhythmical breathings that fanned +the tranquil air, certainly went out to tea-parties afterwards and +played bridge till dinner-time; or if no such entertainment was +proffered them, occupied arm-chairs at the country club, or laboriously +amassed a hundred at billiards. Though tea-parties were profuse, dining +out was very rare at Tilling; Patience or a jig-saw puzzle occupied the +hour or two that intervened between domestic supper and bed-time; but +again and again, Miss Mapp had seen lights burning in the sitting-room +of those two neighbours at an hour when such lights as were still in +evidence at Tilling were strictly confined to bedrooms, and should, +indeed, have been extinguished there. And only last week, being plucked +from slumber by some unaccountable indigestion (for which she blamed a +small green apple), she had seen at no less than twelve-thirty in the +morning the lights in Captain Puffin's sitting-room still shining +through the blind. This had excited her so much that at risk of toppling +into the street, she had craned her neck from her window, and observed a +similar illumination in the house of Major Flint. They were not together +then, for in that case any prudent householder (and God knew that they +both of them scraped and saved enough, or, if He didn't know, Miss Mapp +did) would have quenched his own lights, if he were talking to his +friend in his friend's house. The next night, the pangs of indigestion +having completely vanished, she set her alarum clock at the same +timeless hour, and had observed exactly the same phenomenon. Such late +hours, of course, amply accounted for these late breakfasts; but why, so +Miss Mapp pithily asked herself, why these late hours? Of course they +both kept summer-time, whereas most of Tilling utterly refused (except +when going by train) to alter their watches because Mr. Lloyd George +told them to; but even allowing for that ... then she perceived that +summer-time made it later than ever for its adherents, so that was no +excuse. + +Miss Mapp had a mind that was incapable of believing the improbable, and +the current explanation of these late hours was very improbable, indeed. +Major Flint often told the world in general that he was revising his +diaries, and that the only uninterrupted time which he could find in +this pleasant whirl of life at Tilling was when he was alone in the +evening. Captain Puffin, on his part, confessed to a student's curiosity +about the ancient history of Tilling, with regard to which he was +preparing a monograph. He could talk, when permitted, by the hour about +the reclamation from the sea of the marsh land south of the town, and +about the old Roman road which was built on a raised causeway, of which +traces remained; but it argued, so thought Miss Mapp, an unprecedented +egoism on the part of Major Flint, and an equally unprecedented love of +antiquities on the part of Captain Puffin, that they should prosecute +their studies (with gas at the present price) till such hours. No; Miss +Mapp knew better than that, but she had not made up her mind exactly +what it was that she knew. She mentally rejected the idea that egoism +(even in these days of diaries and autobiographies) and antiquities +accounted for so much study, with the same healthy intolerance with +which a vigorous stomach rejects unwholesome food, and did not allow +herself to be insidiously poisoned by its retention. But as she took up +her light aluminium opera-glasses to make sure whether it was Isabel +Poppit or not who was now stepping with that high, prancing tread into +the stationer's in the High Street, she exclaimed to herself, for the +three hundred and sixty-fifth time after breakfast: "It's very +baffling"; for it was precisely a year to-day since she had first seen +those mysterious midnight squares of illuminated blind. "Baffling," in +fact, was a word that constantly made short appearances in Miss Mapp's +vocabulary, though its retention for a whole year over one subject was +unprecedented. But never yet had "baffled" sullied her wells of pure +undefiled English. + +Movement had begun; Mrs. Plaistow, carrying her wicker basket, came +round the corner by the church, in the direction of Miss Mapp's window, +and as there was a temporary coolness between them (following violent +heat) with regard to some worsted of brilliant rose-madder hue, which a +forgetful draper had sold to Mrs. Plaistow, having definitely promised +it to Miss Mapp ... but Miss Mapp's large-mindedness scorned to recall +the sordid details of this paltry appropriation. The heat had quite +subsided, and Miss Mapp was, for her part, quite prepared to let the +coolness regain the normal temperature of cordiality the moment that +Mrs. Plaistow returned that worsted. Outwardly and publicly friendly +relationships had been resumed, and as the coolness had lasted six weeks +or so, it was probable that the worsted had already been incorporated +into the ornamental border of Mrs. Plaistow's jumper or winter scarf, +and a proper expression of regret would have to do instead. So the +nearer Mrs. Plaistow approached, the more invisible she became to Miss +Mapp's eye, and when she was within saluting distance had vanished +altogether. Simultaneously Miss Poppit came out of the stationer's in +the High Street. + +Mrs. Plaistow turned the corner below Miss Mapp's window, and went +bobbing along down the steep hill. She walked with the motion of those +mechanical dolls sold in the street, which have three legs set as spokes +to a circle, so that their feet emerge from their dress with Dutch and +rigid regularity, and her figure had a certain squat rotundity that +suited her gait. She distinctly looked into Captain Puffin's dining-room +window as she passed, and with the misplaced juvenility so +characteristic of her waggled her plump little hand at it. At the corner +beyond Major Flint's house she hesitated a moment, and turned off down +the entry into the side street where Mr. Wyse lived. The dentist lived +there, too, and as Mr. Wyse was away on the continent of Europe, Mrs. +Plaistow was almost certain to be visiting the other. Rapidly Miss Mapp +remembered that at Mrs. Bartlett's bridge party yesterday Mrs. Plaistow +had selected soft chocolates for consumption instead of those stuffed +with nougat or almonds. That furnished additional evidence for the +dentist, for generally you could not get a nougat chocolate at all if +Godiva Plaistow had been in the room for more than a minute or two.... +As she crossed the narrow cobbled roadway, with the grass growing +luxuriantly between the rounded pebbles, she stumbled and recovered +herself with a swift little forward run, and the circular feet twinkled +with the rapidity of those of a thrush scudding over the lawn. + +By this time Isabel Poppit had advanced as far as the fish shop three +doors below the turning down which Mrs. Plaistow had vanished. Her +prancing progress paused there for a moment, and she waited with one +knee highly elevated, like a statue of a curveting horse, before she +finally decided to pass on. But she passed no further than the fruit +shop next door, and took the three steps that elevated it from the +street in a single prance, with her Roman nose high in the air. +Presently she emerged, but with no obvious rotundity like that of a +melon projecting from her basket, so that Miss Mapp could see exactly +what she had purchased, and went back to the fish shop again. Surely she +would not put fish on the top of fruit, and even as Miss Mapp's lucid +intelligence rejected this supposition, the true solution struck her. +"Ice," she said to herself, and, sure enough, projecting from the top of +Miss Poppit's basket when she came out was an angular peak, wrapped up +in paper already wet. + +Miss Poppit came up the street and Miss Mapp put up her illustrated +paper again, with the revolting picture of the Brighton sea-nymphs +turned towards the window. Peeping out behind it, she observed that Miss +Poppit's basket was apparently oozing with bright venous blood, and +felt certain that she had bought red currants. That, coupled with the +ice, made conjecture complete. She had bought red currants slightly +damaged (or they would not have oozed so speedily), in order to make +that iced red-currant fool of which she had so freely partaken at Miss +Mapp's last bridge party. That was a very scurvy trick, for iced +red-currant fool was an invention of Miss Mapp's, who, when it was +praised, said that she inherited the recipe from her grandmother. But +Miss Poppit had evidently entered the lists against Grandmamma Mapp, and +she had as evidently guessed that quite inferior fruit--fruit that was +distinctly "off," was undetectable when severely iced. Miss Mapp could +only hope that the fruit in the basket now bobbing past her window was +so much "off" that it had begun to ferment. Fermented red-currant fool +was nasty to the taste, and, if persevered in, disastrous in its +effects. General unpopularity might be needed to teach Miss Poppit not +to trespass on Grandmamma Mapp's preserves. + +Isabel Poppit lived with a flashy and condescending mother just round +the corner beyond the gardener's cottage, and opposite the west end of +the church. They were comparatively new inhabitants of Tilling, having +settled here only two or three years ago, and Tilling had not yet quite +ceased to regard them as rather suspicious characters. Suspicion +smouldered, though it blazed no longer. They were certainly rich, and +Miss Mapp suspected them of being profiteers. They kept a butler, of +whom they were both in considerable awe, who used almost to shrug his +shoulders when Mrs. Poppit gave him an order: they kept a motor-car to +which Mrs. Poppit was apt to allude more frequently than would have +been natural if she had always been accustomed to one, and they went to +Switzerland for a month every winter and to Scotland "for the +shooting-season," as Mrs. Poppit terribly remarked, every summer. This +all looked very black, and though Isabel conformed to the manners of +Tilling in doing household shopping every morning with her wicker +basket, and buying damaged fruit for fool, and in dressing in the +original home-made manner indicated by good breeding and narrow incomes, +Miss Mapp was sadly afraid that these habits were not the outcome of +chaste and instinctive simplicity, but of the ambition to be received by +the old families of Tilling as one of them. But what did a true +Tillingite want with a butler and a motor-car? And if these were not +sufficient to cast grave doubts on the sincerity of the inhabitants of +"Ye Smalle House," there was still very vivid in Miss Mapp's mind that +dreadful moment, undimmed by the years that had passed over it, when +Mrs. Poppit broke the silence at an altogether too sumptuous lunch by +asking Mrs. Plaistow if she did not find the super-tax a grievous burden +on "our little incomes." ... Miss Mapp had drawn in her breath sharply, +as if in pain, and after a few gasps turned the conversation.... Worst +of all, perhaps, because more recent, was the fact that Mrs. Poppit had +just received the dignity of the M.B.E., or Member of the Order of the +British Empire, and put it on her cards too, as if to keep the scandal +alive. Her services in connection with the Tilling hospital had been +entirely confined to putting her motor-car at its disposal when she did +not want it herself, and not a single member of the Tilling Working +Club, which had knitted its fingers to the bone and made enough +seven-tailed bandages to reach to the moon, had been offered a similar +decoration. If anyone had she would have known what to do: a stinging +letter to the Prime Minister saying that she worked not with hope of +distinction, but from pure patriotism, would have certainly been Miss +Mapp's rejoinder. She actually drafted the letter, when Mrs. Poppit's +name appeared, and diligently waded through column after column of +subsequent lists, to make sure that she, the originator of the Tilling +Working Club, had not been the victim of a similar insult. + +Mrs. Poppit was a climber: that was what she was, and Miss Mapp was +obliged to confess that very nimble she had been. The butler and the +motor-car (so frequently at the disposal of Mrs. Poppit's friends) and +the incessant lunches and teas had done their work; she had fed rather +than starved Tilling into submission, and Miss Mapp felt that she alone +upheld the dignity of the old families. She was positively the only old +family (and a solitary spinster at that) who had not surrendered to the +Poppits. Naturally she did not carry her staunchness to the extent, so +to speak, of a hunger-strike, for that would be singular conduct, only +worthy of suffragettes, and she partook of the Poppits' hospitality to +the fullest extent possible, but (here her principles came in) she never +returned the hospitality of the Member of the British Empire, though she +occasionally asked Isabel to her house, and abused her soundly on all +possible occasions.... + +This spiteful retrospect passed swiftly and smoothly through Miss Mapp's +mind, and did not in the least take off from the acuteness with which +she observed the tide in the affairs of Tilling which, after the ebb of +the night, was now flowing again, nor did it, a few minutes after +Isabel's disappearance round the corner, prevent her from hearing the +faint tinkle of the telephone in her own house. At that she started to +her feet, but paused again at the door. She had shrewd suspicions about +her servants with regard to the telephone: she was convinced (though at +present she had not been able to get any evidence on the point) that +both her cook and her parlourmaid used it for their own base purposes at +her expense, and that their friends habitually employed it for +conversation with them. And perhaps--who knows?--her housemaid was the +worst of the lot, for she affected an almost incredible stupidity with +regard to the instrument, and pretended not to be able either to speak +through it or to understand its cacklings. All that might very well be +assumed in order to divert suspicion, so Miss Mapp paused by the door to +let any of these delinquents get deep in conversation with her friend: a +soft and stealthy advance towards the room called the morning-room (a +small apartment opening out of the hall, and used chiefly for the +bestowal of hats and cloaks and umbrellas) would then enable her to +catch one of them red-mouthed, or at any rate to overhear fragments of +conversation which would supply equally direct evidence. + +She had got no further than the garden-door into her house when Withers, +her parlourmaid, came out. Miss Mapp thereupon began to smile and hum a +tune. Then the smile widened and the tune stopped. + +"Yes, Withers?" she said. "Were you looking for me?" + +"Yes, Miss," said Withers. "Miss Poppit has just rung you up----" + +Miss Mapp looked much surprised. + +"And to think that the telephone should have rung without my hearing +it," she said. "I must be growing deaf, Withers, in my old age. What +does Miss Poppit want?" + +"She hopes you will be able to go to tea this afternoon and play bridge. +She expects that a few friends may look in at a quarter to four." + +A flood of lurid light poured into Miss Mapp's mind. To expect that a +few friends may look in was the orthodox way of announcing a regular +party to which she had not been asked, and Miss Mapp knew as if by a +special revelation that if she went, she would find that she made the +eighth to complete two tables of bridge. When the butler opened the +door, he would undoubtedly have in his hand a half sheet of paper on +which were written the names of the expected friends, and if the +caller's name was not on that list, he would tell her with brazen +impudence that neither Mrs. Poppit nor Miss Poppit were at home, while, +before the baffled visitor had turned her back, he would admit another +caller who duly appeared on his reference paper.... So then the Poppits +were giving a bridge-party to which she had only been bidden at the last +moment, clearly to take the place of some expected friend who had +developed influenza, lost an aunt or been obliged to go to London: here, +too, was the explanation of why (as she had overheard yesterday) Major +Flint and Captain Puffin were only intending to play one round of golf +to-day, and to come back by the 2.20 train. And why seek any further for +the explanation of the lump of ice and the red currants (probably +damaged) which she had observed Isabel purchase? And anyone could see +(at least Miss Mapp could) why she had gone to the stationer's in the +High Street just before. Packs of cards. + +Who the expected friend was who had disappointed Mrs. Poppit could be +thought out later: at present, as Miss Mapp smiled at Withers and hummed +her tune again, she had to settle whether she was going to be delighted +to accept, or obliged to decline. The argument in favour of being +obliged to decline was obvious: Mrs. Poppit deserved to be "served out" +for not including her among the original guests, and if she declined it +was quite probable that at this late hour her hostess might not be able +to get anyone else, and so one of her tables would be completely +spoiled. In favour of accepting was the fact that she would get a rubber +of bridge and a good tea, and would be able to say something +disagreeable about the red-currant fool, which would serve Miss Poppit +out for attempting to crib her ancestral dishes.... + +A bright, a joyous, a diabolical idea struck her, and she went herself +to the telephone, and genteelly wiped the place where Withers had +probably breathed on it. + +"So kind of you, Isabel," she said, "but I am very busy to-day, and you +didn't give me much notice, did you? So I'll try to look in if I can, +shall I? I might be able to squeeze it in." + +There was a pause, and Miss Mapp knew that she had put Isabel in a hole. +If she successfully tried to get somebody else, Miss Mapp might find she +could squeeze it in, and there would be nine. If she failed to get +someone else, and Miss Mapp couldn't squeeze it in, then there would be +seven.... Isabel wouldn't have a tranquil moment all day. + +"Ah, do squeeze it in," she said in those horrid wheedling tones which +for some reason Major Flint found so attractive. That was one of the +weak points about him, and there were many, many others. But that was +among those which Miss Mapp found it difficult to condone. + +"If I possibly can," said Miss Mapp. "But at this late hour--Good-bye, +dear, or only _au reservoir_, we hope." + +She heard Isabel's polite laugh at this nearly new and delicious +Malaprop before she rang off. Isabel collected malaprops and wrote them +out in a note book. If you reversed the note-book and began at the other +end, you would find the collection of Spoonerisms, which were very +amusing, too. + +Tea, followed by a bridge-party, was, in summer, the chief manifestation +of the spirit of hospitality in Tilling. Mrs. Poppit, it is true, had +attempted to do something in the way of dinner-parties, but though she +was at liberty to give as many dinner-parties as she pleased, nobody +else had followed her ostentatious example. Dinner-parties entailed a +higher scale of living; Miss Mapp, for one, had accurately counted the +cost of having three hungry people to dinner, and found that one such +dinner-party was not nearly compensated for, in the way of expense, by +being invited to three subsequent dinner-parties by your guests. +Voluptuous teas were the rule, after which you really wanted no more +than little bits of things, a cup of soup, a slice of cold tart, or a +dished-up piece of fish and some toasted cheese. Then, after the +excitement of bridge (and bridge was very exciting in Tilling), a +jig-saw puzzle or Patience cooled your brain and composed your nerves. +In winter, however, with its scarcity of daylight, Tilling commonly gave +evening bridge-parties, and asked the requisite number of friends to +drop in after dinner, though everybody knew that everybody else had only +partaken of bits of things. Probably the ruinous price of coal had +something to do with these evening bridge-parties, for the fire that +warmed your room when you were alone would warm all your guests as well, +and then, when your hospitality was returned, you could let your +sitting-room fire go out. But though Miss Mapp was already planning +something in connection with winter bridge, winter was a long way off +yet.... + +Before Miss Mapp got back to her window in the garden-room Mrs. Poppit's +great offensive motor-car, which she always alluded to as "the Royce," +had come round the corner and, stopping opposite Major Flint's house, +was entirely extinguishing all survey of the street beyond. It was clear +enough then that she had sent the Royce to take the two out to the +golf-links, so that they should have time to play their round and catch +the 2.20 back to Tilling again, so as to be in good time for the +bridge-party. Even as she looked, Major Flint came out of his house on +one side of the Royce and Captain Puffin on the other. The Royce +obstructed their view of each other, and simultaneously each of them +shouted across to the house of the other. Captain Puffin emitted a loud +"Coo-ee, Major," (an Australian ejaculation, learned on his voyages), +while Major Flint bellowed "Qui-hi, Captain," which, all the world knew, +was of Oriental origin. The noise each of them made prevented him from +hearing the other, and presently one in a fuming hurry to start ran +round in front of the car at the precise moment that the other ran round +behind it, and they both banged loudly on each other's knockers. These +knocks were not so precisely simultaneous as the shouts had been, and +this led to mutual discovery, hailed with peals of falsetto laughter on +the part of Captain Puffin and the more manly guffaws of the Major.... +After that the Royce lumbered down the grass-grown cobbles of the +street, and after a great deal of reversing managed to turn the corner. + +Miss Mapp set off with her basket to do her shopping. She carried in it +the weekly books, which she would leave, with payment but not without +argument, at the tradesmen's shops. There was an item for suet which +she intended to resist to the last breath in her body, though her +butcher would probably surrender long before that. There was an item for +eggs at the dairy which she might have to pay, though it was a monstrous +overcharge. She had made up her mind about the laundry, she intended to +pay that bill with an icy countenance and say "Good morning for ever," +or words to that effect, unless the proprietor instantly produced +the--the article of clothing which had been lost in the wash (like King +John's treasures), or refunded an ample sum for the replacing of it. All +these quarrelsome errands were meat and drink to Miss Mapp: Tuesday +morning, the day on which she paid and disputed her weekly bills, was as +enjoyable as Sunday mornings when, sitting close under the pulpit, she +noted the glaring inconsistencies and grammatical errors in the +discourse. After the bills were paid and business was done, there was +pleasure to follow, for there was a fitting-on at the dress-maker's, the +fitting-on of a tea-gown, to be worn at winter-evening bridge-parties, +which, unless Miss Mapp was sadly mistaken, would astound and agonize by +its magnificence all who set eyes on it. She had found the description +of it, as worn by Mrs. Titus W. Trout, in an American fashion paper; it +was of what was described as kingfisher blue, and had lumps and wedges +of lace round the edge of the skirt, and orange chiffon round the neck. +As she set off with her basket full of tradesmen's books, she pictured +to herself with watering mouth the fury, the jealousy, the madness of +envy which it would raise in all properly-constituted breasts. + +In spite of her malignant curiosity and her cancerous suspicions about +all her friends, in spite, too, of her restless activities, Miss Mapp +was not, as might have been expected, a lady of lean and emaciated +appearance. She was tall and portly, with plump hands, a broad, +benignant face and dimpled, well-nourished cheeks. An acute observer +might have detected a danger warning in the sidelong glances of her +rather bulgy eyes, and in a certain tightness at the corners of her +expansive mouth, which boded ill for any who came within snapping +distance, but to a more superficial view she was a rollicking, +good-natured figure of a woman. Her mode of address, too, bore out this +misleading impression: nothing, for instance, could have been more +genial just now than her telephone voice to Isabel Poppit, or her smile +to Withers, even while she so strongly suspected her of using the +telephone for her own base purposes, and as she passed along the High +Street, she showered little smiles and bows on acquaintances and +friends. She markedly drew back her lips in speaking, being in no way +ashamed of her long white teeth, and wore a practically perpetual smile +when there was the least chance of being under observation. Though at +sermon time on Sunday, as has been already remarked, she greedily noted +the weaknesses and errors of which those twenty minutes was so +rewardingly full, she sat all the time with down-dropped eyes and a +pretty sacred smile on her lips, and now, when she spied on the other +side of the street the figure of the vicar, she tripped slantingly +across the road to him, as if by the move of a knight at chess, looking +everywhere else, and only perceiving him with glad surprise at the very +last moment. He was a great frequenter of tea parties and except in Lent +an assiduous player of bridge, for a clergyman's duties, so he very +properly held, were not confined to visiting the poor and exhorting the +sinner. He should be a man of the world, and enter into the pleasures of +his prosperous parishioners, as well as into the trials of the +troubled. Being an accomplished card-player he entered not only into +their pleasures but their pockets, and there was no lady of Tilling who +was not pleased to have Mr. Bartlett for a partner. His winnings, so he +said, he gave annually to charitable objects, though whether the +charities he selected began at home was a point on which Miss Mapp had +quite made up her mind. "Not a penny of that will the poor ever see," +was the gist of her reflections when on disastrous days she paid him +seven-and-ninepence. She always called him "Padre," and had never +actually caught him looking over his adversaries' hands. + +"Good morning, Padre," she said as soon as she perceived him. "What a +lovely day! The white butterflies were enjoying themselves so in the +sunshine in my garden. And the swallows!" + +Miss Mapp, as every reader will have perceived, wanted to know whether +he was playing bridge this afternoon at the Poppits. Major Flint and +Captain Puffin certainly were, and it might be taken for granted that +Godiva Plaistow was. With the Poppits and herself that made six.... + +Mr. Bartlett was humorously archaic in speech. He interlarded archaisms +with Highland expressions, and his face was knobby, like a chest of +drawers. + +"Ha, good morrow, fair dame," he said. "And prithee, art not thou even +as ye white butterflies?" + +"Oh, Mr. Bartlett," said the fair dame with a provocative glance. +"Naughty! Comparing me to a delicious butterfly!" + +"Nay, prithee, why naughty?" said he. "Yea, indeed, it's a day to make +ye little fowles rejoice! Ha! I perceive you are on the errands of the +guid wife Martha." And he pointed to the basket. + +"Yes; Tuesday morning," said Miss Mapp. "I pay all my household books on +Tuesday. Poor but honest, dear Padre. What a rush life is to-day! I +hardly know which way to turn. Little duties in all directions! And you; +you're always busy! Such a busy bee!" + +"Busy B? Busy Bartlett, quo' she! Yes, I'm a busy B to-day, Mistress +Mapp. Sermon all morning: choir practice at three, a baptism at six. No +time for a walk to-day, let alone a bit turn at the gowf." + +Miss Mapp saw her opening, and made a busy bee line for it. + +"Oh, but you should get regular exercise, Padre," said she. "You take no +care of yourself. After the choir practice now, and before the baptism, +you could have a brisk walk. To please me!" + +"Yes. I had meant to get a breath of air then," said he. "But ye guid +Dame Poppit has insisted that I take a wee hand at the cartes with them, +the wifey and I. Prithee, shall we meet there?" + +("That makes seven without me," thought Miss Mapp in parenthesis.) Aloud +she said: + +"If I can squeeze it in, Padre. I have promised dear Isabel to do my +best." + +"Well, and a lassie can do no mair," said he. "Au reservoir then." + +Miss Mapp was partly pleased, partly annoyed by the agility with which +the Padre brought out her own particular joke. It was she who had +brought it down to Tilling, and she felt she had an option on it at the +end of every interview, if she meant (as she had done on this occasion) +to bring it out. On the other hand it was gratifying to see how popular +it had become. She had heard it last month when on a visit to a friend +at that sweet and refined village called Riseholme. It was rather +looked down on there, as not being sufficiently intellectual. But within +a week of Miss Mapp's return, Tilling rang with it, and she let it be +understood that she was the original humorist. + +Godiva Plaistow came whizzing along the pavement, a short, stout, +breathless body who might, so thought Miss Mapp, have acted up to the +full and fell associations of her Christian name without exciting the +smallest curiosity on the part of the lewd. (Miss Mapp had much the same +sort of figure, but her height, so she was perfectly satisfied to +imagine, converted corpulence into majesty.) The swift alternation of +those Dutch-looking feet gave the impression that Mrs. Plaistow was +going at a prodigious speed, but they could stop revolving without any +warning, and then she stood still. Just when a collision with Miss Mapp +seemed imminent, she came to a dead halt. + +It was as well to be quite certain that she was going to the Poppits, +and Miss Mapp forgave and forgot about the worsted until she had found +out. She could never quite manage the indelicacy of saying "Godiva," +whatever Mrs. Plaistow's figure and age might happen to be, but always +addressed her as "Diva," very affectionately, whenever they were on +speaking terms. + +"What a lovely morning, Diva darling," she said; and noticing that Mr. +Bartlett was well out of earshot, "The white butterflies were enjoying +themselves so in the sunshine in my garden. And the swallows." + +Godiva was telegraphic in speech. + +"Lucky birds," she said. "No teeth. Beaks." + +Miss Mapp remembered her disappearance round the dentist's corner half +an hour ago, and her own firm inference on the problem. + +"Toothache, darling?" she said. "So sorry." + +"Wisdom," said Godiva. "Out at one o'clock. Gas. Ready for bridge this +afternoon. Playing? Poppits." + +"If I can squeeze it in, dear," said Miss Mapp. "Such a hustle to-day." + +Diva put her hand to her face as "wisdom" gave her an awful twinge. Of +course she did not believe in the "hustle," but her pangs prevented her +from caring much. + +"Meet you then," she said. "Shall be all comfortable then. Au----" + +This was more than could be borne, and Miss Mapp hastily interrupted. + +"Au reservoir, Diva dear," she said with extreme acerbity, and Diva's +feet began swiftly revolving again. + +The problem about the bridge-party thus seemed to be solved. The two +Poppits, the two Bartletts, the Major and the Captain with Diva darling +and herself made eight, and Miss Mapp with a sudden recrudescence of +indignation against Isabel with regard to the red-currant fool and the +belated invitation, made up her mind that she would not be able to +squeeze it in, thus leaving the party one short. Even apart from the +red-currant fool it served the Poppits right for not asking her +originally, but only when, as seemed now perfectly clear, somebody else +had disappointed them. But just as she emerged from the butcher's shop, +having gained a complete victory in the matter of that suet, without +expending the last breath in her body or anything like it, the whole of +the seemingly solid structure came toppling to the ground. For on +emerging, flushed with triumph, leaving the baffled butcher to try his +tricks on somebody else if he chose but not on Miss Mapp, she ran +straight into the Disgrace of Tilling and her sex, the suffragette, +post-impressionist artist (who painted from the nude, both male and +female), the socialist and the Germanophil, all incarnate in one frame. +In spite of these execrable antecedents, it was quite in vain that Miss +Mapp had tried to poison the collective mind of Tilling against this +Creature. If she hated anybody, and she undoubtedly did, she hated Irene +Coles. The bitterest part of it all was that if Miss Coles was amused at +anybody, and she undoubtedly was, she was amused at Miss Mapp. + +Miss Coles was strolling along in the attire to which Tilling generally +had got accustomed, but Miss Mapp never. She had an old wide-awake hat +jammed down on her head, a tall collar and stock, a large loose coat, +knickerbockers and grey stockings. In her mouth was a cigarette, in her +hand she swung the orthodox wicker-basket. She had certainly been to the +other fishmonger's at the end of the High Street, for a lobster, revived +perhaps after a sojourn on the ice, by this warm sun, which the +butterflies and the swallows had been rejoicing in, was climbing with +claws and waving legs over the edge of it. + +Irene removed her cigarette from her mouth and did something in the +gutter which is usually associated with the floor of third-class smoking +carriages. Then her handsome, boyish face, more boyish because her hair +was closely clipped, broke into a broad grin. + +"Hullo, Mapp!" she said. "Been giving the tradesmen what for on Tuesday +morning?" + +Miss Mapp found it extremely difficult to bear this obviously insolent +form of address without a spasm of rage. Irene called her Mapp because +she chose to, and Mapp (more bitterness) felt it wiser not to provoke +Coles. She had a dreadful, humorous tongue, an indecent disregard of +public or private opinion, and her gift of mimicry was as appalling as +her opinion about the Germans. Sometimes Miss Mapp alluded to her as +"quaint Irene," but that was as far as she got in the way of reprisals. + +"Oh, you sweet thing!" she said. "Treasure!" + +Irene, in some ghastly way, seemed to take note of this. Why men like +Captain Puffin and Major Flint found Irene "fetching" and "killing" was +more than Miss Mapp could understand, or wanted to understand. + +Quaint Irene looked down at her basket. + +"Why, there's my lunch going over the top like those beastly British +Tommies," she said, "Get back, love." + +Miss Mapp could not quite determine whether "love" was a sarcastic echo +of "Treasure." It seemed probable. + +"Oh, what a dear little lobster," she said. "Look at his sweet claws." + +"I shall do more than look at them soon," said Irene, poking it into her +basket again. "Come and have tiffin, qui-hi, I've got to look after +myself to-day." + +"What has happened to your devoted Lucy?" asked Miss Mapp. Irene lived +in a very queer way with one gigantic maid, who, but for her sex, might +have been in the Guards. + +"Ill. I suspect scarlet-fever," said Irene. "Very infectious, isn't it? +I was up nursing her all last night." + +Miss Mapp recoiled. She did not share Major Flint's robust views about +microbes. + +"But I hope, dear, you've thoroughly disinfected----" + +"Oh, yes. Soap and water," said Irene. "By the way, are you Poppiting +this afternoon?" + +"If I can squeeze it in," said Miss Mapp. + +"We'll meet again, then. Oh----" + +"Au reservoir," said Miss Mapp instantly. + +"No; not that silly old chestnut!" said Irene. "I wasn't going to say +that. I was only going to say: 'Oh, do come to tiffin.' You and me and +the lobster. Then you and me. But it's a bore about Lucy. I was painting +her. Fine figure, gorgeous legs. You wouldn't like to sit for me till +she's well again?" + +Miss Mapp gave a little squeal and bolted into her dressmaker's. She +always felt battered after a conversation with Irene, and needed +kingfisher blue to restore her. + + + + +CHAPTER II + + +There is not in all England a town so blatantly picturesque as Tilling, +nor one, for the lover of level marsh land, of tall reedy dykes, of +enormous sunsets and rims of blue sea on the horizon, with so fortunate +an environment. The hill on which it is built rises steeply from the +level land, and, crowned by the great grave church so conveniently close +to Miss Mapp's residence, positively consists of quaint corners, +rough-cast and timber cottages, and mellow Georgian fronts. Corners and +quaintnesses, gems, glimpses and bits are an obsession to the artist, +and in consequence, during the summer months, not only did the majority +of its inhabitants turn out into the cobbled ways with sketching-blocks, +canvases and paintboxes, but every morning brought into the town +charabancs from neighbouring places loaded with passengers, many of whom +joined the artistic residents, and you would have thought (until an +inspection of their productions convinced you of the contrary) that some +tremendous outburst of Art was rivalling the Italian Renaissance. For +those who were capable of tackling straight lines and the intricacies of +perspective there were the steep cobbled streets of charming and +irregular architecture, while for those who rightly felt themselves +colourists rather than architectural draughtsmen, there was the view +from the top of the hill over the marshes. There, but for one straight +line to mark the horizon (and that could easily be misty) there were no +petty conventionalities in the way of perspective, and the eager +practitioner could almost instantly plunge into vivid greens and +celestial blues, or, at sunset, into pinks and chromes and rose-madder. + +Tourists who had no pictorial gifts would pick their way among the +sketchers, and search the shops for cracked china and bits of brass. Few +if any of them left without purchasing one of the famous Tilling +money-boxes, made in the shape of a pottery pig, who bore on his back +that remarkable legend of his authenticity which ran: + + "I won't be druv, + Though I am willing. + Good morning, my love, + Said the Pig of Tilling." + +Miss Mapp had a long shelf full of these in every colour to adorn her +dining-room. The one which completed her collection, of a pleasant +magenta colour, had only just been acquired. She called them "My sweet +rainbow of piggies," and often when she came down to breakfast, +especially if Withers was in the room, she said: "Good morning, quaint +little piggies." When Withers had left the room she counted them. + +The corner where the street took a turn towards the church, just below +the window of her garden-room, was easily the most popular stance for +sketchers. You were bewildered and bowled over by "bits." For the most +accomplished of all there was that rarely attempted feat, the view of +the steep downward street, which, in spite of all the efforts of the +artist, insisted, in the sketch, on going up hill instead. Then, next in +difficulty, was the street after it had turned, running by the +gardener's cottage up to the churchyard and the church. This, in spite +of its difficulty, was a very favourite subject, for it included, on the +right of the street, just beyond Miss Mapp's garden wall, the famous +crooked chimney, which was continually copied from every point of view. +The expert artist would draw it rather more crooked than it really was, +in order that there might be no question that he had not drawn it +crooked by accident. This sketch was usually negotiated from the three +steps in front of Miss Mapp's front door. Opposite the +church-and-chimney-artists would sit others, drawing the front door +itself (difficult), and moistening their pencils at their cherry lips, +while a little further down the street was another battalion hard at +work at the gabled front of the garden-room and its picturesque bow. It +was a favourite occupation of Miss Mapp's, when there was a decent +gathering of artists outside, to pull a table right into the window of +the garden-room, in full view of them, and, quite unconscious of their +presence, to arrange flowers there with a smiling and pensive +countenance. She had other little playful public pastimes: she would get +her kitten from the house, and induce it to sit on the table while she +diverted it with the tassel of the blind, and she would kiss it on its +sweet little sooty head, or she would write letters in the window, or +play Patience there, and then suddenly become aware that there was no +end of ladies and gentlemen looking at her. Sometimes she would come out +of the house, if the steps were very full, with her own sketching +paraphernalia in her hands and say, ever so coyly: "May I scriggle +through?" or ask the squatters on her own steps if they could find a +little corner for her. That was so interesting for them: they would +remember afterwards that just while they were engaged on their sketches, +the lady of that beautiful house at the corner, who had been playing +with her kitten in the window, came out to sketch too. She addressed +gracious and yet humble remarks to them: "I see you are painting my +sweet little home. May I look? Oh, what a lovely little sketch!" Once, +on a never-to-be-forgotten day, she observed one of them take a camera +from his pocket and rapidly focus her as she stood on the top step. She +turned full-faced and smiling to the camera just in time to catch the +click of the shutter, but then it was too late to hide her face, and +perhaps the picture might appear in the _Graphic_ or the _Sketch_, or +among the posturing nymphs of a neighbouring watering-place.... + +This afternoon she was content to "scriggle" through the sketchers, and +humming a little tune, she passed up to the churchyard. ("Scriggle" was +one of her own words, highly popular; it connoted squeezing and +wriggling.) There she carefully concealed herself under the boughs of +the weeping ash tree directly opposite the famous south porch of the +church. She had already drawn in the lines of this south porch on her +sketching-block, transferring them there by means of a tracing from a +photograph, so that formed a very promising beginning to her sketch. But +she was nicely placed not only with regard to her sketch, for, by +peeping through the pretty foliage of the tree, she could command the +front door of Mrs. Poppit's (M.B.E.) house. + +Miss Mapp's plans for the bridge-party had, of course, been completely +upset by the encounter with Irene in the High Street. Up till that +moment she had imagined that, with the two ladies of the house and the +Bartletts and the Major and the Captain and Godiva and herself, two +complete tables of bridge would be formed, and she had, therefore, +determined that she would not be able to squeeze the party into her +numerous engagements, thereby spoiling the second table. But now +everything was changed: there were eight without her, and unless, at a +quarter to four, she saw reason to suppose, by noting the arrivals at +the house, that three bridge tables were in contemplation, she had made +up her mind to "squeeze it in," so that there would be nine gamblers, +and Isabel or her mother, if they had any sense of hospitality to their +guests, would be compelled to sit out for ever and ever. Miss Mapp had +been urgently invited: sweet Isabel had made a great point of her +squeezing it in, and if sweet Isabel, in order to be certain of a +company of eight, had asked quaint Irene as well, it would serve her +right. An additional reason, besides this piece of good-nature in +managing to squeeze it in, for the sake of sweet Isabel, lay in the fact +that she would be able to take some red-currant fool, and after one +spoonful exclaim "Delicious," and leave the rest uneaten. + +The white butterflies and the swallows were still enjoying themselves in +the sunshine, and so, too, were the gnats, about whose pleasure, +especially when they settled on her face, Miss Mapp did not care so +much. But soon she quite ceased to regard them, for, before the quaint +little gilded boys on each side of the clock above the north porch had +hammered out the three-quarters after three on their bells, visitors +began to arrive at the Poppits' door, and Miss Mapp was very active +looking through the boughs of the weeping ash and sitting down again to +smile and ponder over her sketch with her head a little on one side, if +anybody approached. One by one the expected guests presented themselves +and were admitted: Major Flint and Captain Puffin, the Padre and his +wife, darling Diva with her head muffled in a "cloud," and finally +Irene, still dressed as she had been in the morning, and probably +reeking with scarlet-fever. With the two Poppits these made eight +players, so as soon as Irene had gone in, Miss Mapp hastily put her +sketching things away, and holding her admirably-accurate drawing with +its wash of sky not quite dry, in her hand, hurried to the door, for it +would never do to arrive after the two tables had started, since in that +case it would be she who would have to sit out. + +Boon opened the door to her three staccato little knocks, and sulkily +consulted his list. She duly appeared on it and was admitted. Having +banged the door behind her he crushed the list up in his hand and threw +it into the fireplace: all those whose presence was desired had arrived, +and Boon would turn his bovine eye on any subsequent caller, and say +that his mistress was out. + +"And may I put my sketching things down here, please, Boon," said Miss +Mapp ingratiatingly. "And will no one touch my drawing? It's a little +wet still. The church porch." + +Boon made a grunting noise like the Tilling pig, and slouched away in +front of her down the passage leading to the garden, sniffing. There +they were, with the two bridge-tables set out in a shady corner of the +lawn, and a buffet vulgarly heaped with all sorts of dainty confections +which made Miss Mapp's mouth water, obliging her to swallow rapidly once +or twice before she could manage a wide, dry smile: Isabel advanced. + +"De-do, dear," said Miss Mapp. "Such a rush! But managed to squeeze it +in, as you wouldn't let me off." + +"Oh, that was nice of you, Miss Mapp," said Isabel. + +A wild and awful surmise seized Miss Mapp. + +"And your dear mother?" she said. "Where is Mrs. Poppit?" + +"Mamma had to go to town this morning. She won't be back till close on +dinner-time." + +Miss Mapp's smile closed up like a furled umbrella. The trap had snapped +behind her: it was impossible now to scriggle away. She had completed, +instead of spoiling, the second table. + +"So we're just eight," said Isabel, poking at her, so to speak, through +the wires. "Shall we have a rubber first and then some tea? Or tea +first. What says everybody?" + +Restless and hungry murmurs, like those heard at the sea-lions' +enclosure in the Zoological Gardens when feeding-time approaches, seemed +to indicate tea first, and with gallant greetings from the Major, and +archaistic welcomes from the Padre, Miss Mapp headed the general +drifting movement towards the buffet. There may have been tea there, but +there was certainly iced coffee and Lager beer and large jugs with dew +on the outside and vegetables floating in a bubbling liquid in the +inside, and it was all so vulgar and opulent that with one accord +everyone set to work in earnest, in order that the garden should present +a less gross and greedy appearance. But there was no sign at present of +the red-currant fool, which was baffling.... + +"And have you had a good game of golf, Major?" asked Miss Mapp, making +the best of these miserable circumstances. "Such a lovely day! The white +butterflies were enjoying----" + +She became aware that Diva and the Padre, who had already heard about +the white butterflies, were in her immediate neighbourhood, and broke +off. + +"Which of you beat? Or should I say 'won!'" she asked. + +Major Flint's long moustache was dripping with Lager beer, and he made a +dexterous, sucking movement. + +"Well, the Army and the Navy had it out," he said. "And for once +Britain's Navy was not invincible, eh, Puffin?" + +Captain Puffin limped away pretending not to hear, and took his heaped +plate and brimming glass in the direction of Irene. + +"But I'm sure Captain Puffin played quite beautifully too," said Miss +Mapp in the vain attempt to detain him. She liked to collect all the men +round her, and then scold them for not talking to the other ladies. + +"Well, a game's a game," said the Major. "It gets through the hours, +Miss Mapp. Yes: we finished at the fourteenth hole, and hurried back to +more congenial society. And what have you done to-day? Fairy-errands, +I'll be bound. Titania! Ha!" + +Suet errands and errands about a missing article of underclothing were +really the most important things that Miss Mapp had done to-day, now +that her bridge-party scheme had so miscarried, but naturally she would +not allude to these. + +"A little gardening," she said. "A little sketching. A little singing. +Not time to change my frock and put on something less shabby. But I +wouldn't have kept sweet Isabel's bridge-party waiting for anything, and +so I came straight from my painting here. Padre, I've been trying to +draw the lovely south porch. But so difficult! I shall give up trying to +draw, and just enjoy myself with looking. And there's your dear Evie! +How de do, Evie love?" + +Godiva Plaistow had taken off her cloud for purposes of mastication, but +wound it tightly round her head again as soon as she had eaten as much +as she could manage. This had to be done on one side of her mouth, or +with the front teeth in the nibbling manner of a rabbit. Everybody, of +course, by now knew that she had had a wisdom tooth out at one p.m. with +gas, and she could allude to it without explanation. + +"Dreamed I was playing bridge," she said, "and had a hand of aces. As I +played the first it went off in my hand. All over. Blood. Hope it'll +come true. Bar the blood." + +Miss Mapp found herself soon afterwards partnered with Major Flint and +opposed by Irene and the Padre. They had hardly begun to consider their +first hands when Boon staggered out into the garden under the weight of +a large wooden bucket, packed with ice, that surrounded an interior +cylinder. + +"Red currant fool at last," thought Miss Mapp, adding aloud: "O poor +little me, is it, to declare? Shall I say 'no trumps?'" + +"Mustn't consult your partner, Mapp," said Irene, puffing the end of her +cigarette out of its holder. Irene was painfully literal. + +"I don't, darling," said Miss Mapp, beginning to fizz a little. "No +trumps. Not a trump. Not any sort of trump. There! What are we playing +for, by the way?" + +"Bob a hundred," said the Padre, forgetting to be either Scotch or +archaic. + +"Oh, gambler! You want the poor-box to be the rich box, Padre," said +Miss Mapp, surveying her magnificent hand with the greatest +satisfaction. If it had not contained so many court-cards, she would +have proposed playing for sixpence, not a shilling a hundred. + +All semblance of manners was invariably thrown to the winds by the +ladies of Tilling when once bridge began; primeval hatred took their +place. The winners of any hand were exasperatingly condescending to the +losers, and the losers correspondingly bitter and tremulous. Miss Mapp +failed to get her contract, as her partner's contribution to success +consisted of more twos and threes than were ever seen together before, +and when quaint Irene at the end said, "Bad luck, Mapp," Miss Mapp's +hands trembled so much with passion that she with difficulty marked the +score. But she could command her voice sufficiently to say, "Lovely of +you to be sympathetic, dear." Irene in answer gave a short, hoarse laugh +and dealed. + +By this time Boon had deposited at the left hand of each player a cup +containing a red creamy fluid, on the surface of which bubbles +intermittently appeared. Isabel, at this moment being dummy, had +strolled across from the other table to see that everybody was +comfortable and provided with sustenance in times of stress, and here +was clearly the proper opportunity for Miss Mapp to take a spoonful of +this attempt at red-currant fool, and with a wry face, hastily (but not +too hastily) smothered in smiles, to push the revolting compound away +from her. But the one spoonful that she took was so delicious and +exhilarating, that she was positively unable to be good for Isabel. +Instead, she drank her cup to the dregs in an absent manner, while +considering how many trumps were out. The red-currant fool made a +similarly agreeable impression on Major Flint. + +"'Pon my word," he said. "That's amazingly good. Cooling on a hot day +like this. Full of champagne." + +Miss Mapp, seeing that it was so popular, had, of course, to claim it +again as a family invention. + +"No, dear Major," she said. "There's no champagne in it. It's my +Grandmamma Mapp's famous red-currant fool, with little additions perhaps +by me. No champagne: yolk of egg and a little cream. Dear Isabel has got +it very nearly right." + +The Padre had promised to take more tricks in diamonds than he had the +slightest chance of doing. His mental worry communicated itself to his +voice. + +"And why should there be nary a wee drappie o' champagne in it?" he +said, "though your Grandmamma Mapp did invent it. Weel, let's see your +hand, partner. Eh, that's a sair sight." + +"And there'll be a sair wee score agin us when ye're through with the +playin' o' it," said Irene, in tones that could not be acquitted of a +mocking intent. "Why the hell--hallelujah did you go on when I didn't +support you?" + +Even that one glass of red-currant fool, though there was no champagne +in it, had produced, together with the certainty that her opponent had +overbidden his hand, a pleasant exhilaration in Miss Mapp; but yolk of +egg, as everybody knew, was a strong stimulant. Suddenly the name +red-currant fool seemed very amusing to her. + +"Red-currant fool!" she said. "What a quaint, old-fashioned name! I +shall invent some others. I shall tell my cook to make some +gooseberry-idiot, or strawberry-donkey.... My play, I think. A ducky +little ace of spades." + +"Haw! haw! gooseberry idiot!" said her partner. "Capital! You won't beat +that in a hurry! And a two of spades on the top of it." + +"You wouldn't expect to find a two of spades at the bottom of it," said +the Padre with singular acidity. + +The Major was quick to resent this kind of comment from a man, cloth or +no cloth. + +"Well, by your leave, Bartlett, by your leave, I repeat," he said, "I +shall expect to find twos of spades precisely where I please, and when I +want your criticism----" + +Miss Mapp hastily intervened. + +"And after my wee ace, a little king-piece," she said. "And if my +partner doesn't play the queen to it! Delicious! And I play just one +more.... Yes ... lovely, partner puts wee trumpy on it! I'm not +surprised; it takes more than that to surprise me; and then Padre's got +another spade, I ken fine!" + +"Hoots!" said the Padre with temperate disgust. + +The hand proceeded for a round or two in silence, during which, by winks +and gestures to Boon, the Major got hold of another cupful of +red-currant fool. There was already a heavy penalty of tricks against +Miss Mapp's opponents, and after a moment's refreshment, the Major led a +club, of which, at this period, Miss Mapp seemed to have none. She felt +happier than she had been ever since, trying to spoil Isabel's second +table, she had only succeeded in completing it. + +"Little trumpy again," she said, putting it on with the lightness of one +of the white butterflies and turning the trick. "Useful little +trumpy----" + +She broke off suddenly from the chant of victory which ladies of Tilling +were accustomed to indulge in during cross-roughs, for she discovered in +her hand another more than useless little clubby.... The silence that +succeeded became tense in quality. Miss Mapp knew she had revoked and +squeezed her brains to think how she could possibly dispose of the card, +while there was a certain calmness about the Padre, which but too +clearly indicated that he was quite content to wait for the inevitable +disclosure. This came at the last trick, and though Miss Mapp made one +forlorn attempt to thrust the horrible little clubby underneath the +other cards and gather them up, the Padre pounced on it. + +"What ho, fair lady!" he said, now completely restored. "Methinks thou +art forsworn! Let me have a keek at the last trick but three! Verily I +wis that thou didst trump ye club aforetime. I said so; there it is. Eh, +that's bonny for us, partner!" + +Miss Mapp, of course, denied it all, and a ruthless reconstruction of +the tricks took place. The Major, still busy with red-currant fool, was +the last to grasp the disaster, and then instantly deplored the +unsportsmanlike greed of his adversaries. + +"Well, I should have thought in a friendly game like this----" he said. +"Of course, you're within your right, Bartlett: might is right, hey? but +upon my word, a pound of flesh, you know.... Can't think what made you +do it, partner." + +"You never asked me if I had any more clubs," said Miss Mapp shrilly, +giving up for the moment the contention that she had not revoked. "I +always ask if my partner has no more of a suit, and I always maintain +that a revoke is more the partner's fault than the player's. Of course, +if our adversaries claim it----" + +"Naturally we do, Mapp," said Irene. "You were down on me sharp enough +the other day." + +Miss Mapp wrinkled her face up into the sweetest and extremest smile of +which her mobile features were capable. + +"Darling, you won't mind my telling you that just at this moment you are +being dummy," she said, "and so you mustn't speak a single word. +Otherwise there is no revoke, even if there was at all, which I +consider far from proved yet." + +There was no further proof possible beyond the clear and final evidence +of the cards, and since everybody, including Miss Mapp herself, was +perfectly well aware that she had revoked, their opponents merely marked +up the penalty and the game proceeded. Miss Mapp, of course, following +the rule of correct behaviour after revoking, stiffened into a state of +offended dignity, and was extremely polite and distant with partner and +adversaries alike. This demeanour became even more majestic when in the +next hand the Major led out of turn. The moment he had done it, Miss +Mapp hurriedly threw a random card out of her hand on to the table, in +the hope that Irene, by some strange aberration, would think she had led +first. + +"Wait a second," said she. "I call a lead. Give me a trump, please." + +Suddenly the awful expression as of some outraged empress faded from +Miss Mapp's face, and she gave a little shriek of laughter which sounded +like a squeaking slate pencil. + +"Haven't got one, dear," she said. "Now may I have your permission to +lead what I think best? Thank you." + +There now existed between the four players that state of violent +animosity which was the usual atmosphere towards the end of a rubber. +But it would have been a capital mistake to suppose that they were not +all enjoying themselves immensely. Emotion is the salt of life, and here +was no end of salt. Everyone was overbidding his hand, and the penalty +tricks were a glorious cause of vituperation, scarcely veiled, between +the partners who had failed to make good, and caused epidemics of +condescending sympathy from the adversaries which produced a passion in +the losers far keener than their fury at having lost. What made the +concluding stages of this contest the more exciting was that an evening +breeze suddenly arising just as a deal was ended, made the cards rise in +the air like a covey of partridges. They were recaptured, and all the +hands were found to be complete with the exception of Miss Mapp's, which +had a card missing. This, an ace of hearts, was discovered by the Padre, +face upwards, in a bed of mignonette, and he was vehement in claiming a +fresh deal, on the grounds that the card was exposed. Miss Mapp could +not speak at all in answer to this preposterous claim: she could only +smile at him, and proceed to declare trumps as if nothing had +happened.... The Major alone failed to come up to the full measure of +these enjoyments, for though all the rest of them were as angry with him +as they were with each other, he remained in a most indecorous state of +good-humour, drinking thirstily of the red-currant fool, and when he was +dummy, quite failing to mind whether Miss Mapp got her contract or not. +Captain Puffin, at the other table, seemed to be behaving with the same +impropriety, for the sound of his shrill, falsetto laugh was as regular +as his visits to the bucket of red-currant fool. What if there was +champagne in it after all, so Miss Mapp luridly conjectured! What if +this unseemly good-humour was due to incipient intoxication? She took a +little more of that delicious decoction herself. + +It was unanimously determined, when the two rubbers came to an end +almost simultaneously, that, as everything was so pleasant and +agreeable, there should be no fresh sorting of the players. Besides, the +second table was only playing stakes of sixpence a hundred, and it would +be very awkward and unsettling that anyone should play these moderate +points in one rubber and those high ones the next. But at this point +Miss Mapp's table was obliged to endure a pause, for the Padre had to +hurry away just before six to administer the rite of baptism in the +church which was so conveniently close. The Major afforded a good deal +of amusement, as soon as he was out of hearing, by hoping that he would +not baptize the child the Knave of Hearts if it was a boy, or, if a +girl, the Queen of Spades; but in order to spare the susceptibilities of +Mrs. Bartlett, this admirable joke was not communicated to the next +table, but enjoyed privately. The author of it, however, made a note in +his mind to tell it to Captain Puffin, in the hopes that it would cause +him to forget his ruinous half-crown defeat at golf this morning. Quite +as agreeable was the arrival of a fresh supply of red-currant fool, and +as this had been heralded a few minutes before by a loud pop from the +butler's pantry, which looked on to the lawn, Miss Mapp began to waver +in her belief that there was no champagne in it, particularly as it +would not have suited the theory by which she accounted for the Major's +unwonted good-humour, and her suggestion that the pop they had all heard +so clearly was the opening of a bottle of stone ginger-beer was not +delivered with conviction. To make sure, however, she took one more sip +of the new supply, and, irradiated with smiles, made a great concession. + +"I believe I was wrong," she said. "There is something in it beyond yolk +of egg and cream. Oh, there's Boon; he will tell us." + +She made a seductive face at Boon, and beckoned to him. + +"Boon, will you think it very inquisitive of me," she asked archly, "if +I ask you whether you have put a teeny drop of champagne into this +delicious red-currant fool?" + +"A bottle and a half, Miss," said Boon morosely, "and half a pint of old +brandy. Will you have some more, Miss?" + +Miss Mapp curbed her indignation at this vulgar squandering of precious +liquids, so characteristic of Poppits. She gave a shrill little laugh. + +"Oh, no, thank you, Boon!" she said. "I mustn't have any more. +Delicious, though." + +Major Flint let Boon fill up his cup while he was not looking. + +"And we owe this to your grandmother, Miss Mapp?" he asked gallantly. +"That's a second debt." + +Miss Mapp acknowledged this polite subtlety with a reservation. + +"But not the champagne in it, Major," she said. "Grandmamma Nap----" + +The Major beat his thigh in ecstasy. + +"Ha! That's a good Spoonerism for Miss Isabel's book," he said. "Miss +Isabel, we've got a new----" + +Miss Mapp was very much puzzled at this slight confusion in her speech, +for her utterance was usually remarkably distinct. There might be some +little joke made at her expense on the effect of Grandmamma Mapp's +invention if this lovely Spoonerism was published. But if she who had +only just tasted the red-currant fool tripped in her speech, how amply +were Major Flint's good nature and Captain Puffin's incessant laugh +accounted for. She herself felt very good-natured, too. How pleasant it +all was! + +"Oh, naughty!" she said to the Major. "Pray, hush! you're disturbing +them at their rubber. And here's the Padre back again!" + +The new rubber had only just begun (indeed, it was lucky that they cut +their cards without any delay) when Mrs. Poppit appeared on her return +from her expedition to London. Miss Mapp begged her to take her hand, +and instantly began playing. + +"It would really be a kindness to me, Mrs. Poppit," she said; "(No +diamonds at all, partner?) but of course, if you won't---- You've been +missing such a lovely party. So much enjoyment!" + +Suddenly she saw that Mrs. Poppit was wearing on her ample breast a +small piece of riband with a little cross attached to it. Her entire +stock of good-humour vanished, and she smiled her widest. + +"We needn't ask what took you to London," she said. "Congratulations! +How was the dear King?" + +This rubber was soon over, and even as they were adding up the score, +there arose a shrill outcry from the next table, where Mrs. Plaistow, as +usual, had made the tale of her winnings sixpence in excess of what +anybody else considered was due to her. The sound of that was so +familiar that nobody looked up or asked what was going on. + +"Darling Diva and her bawbees, Padre," said Miss Mapp in an aside. "So +modest in her demands. Oh, she's stopped! Somebody has given her +sixpence. Not another rubber? Well, perhaps it is rather late, and I +must say good-night to my flowers before they close up for the night. +All those shillings mine? Fancy!" + +Miss Mapp was seething with excitement, curiosity and rage, as with +Major Flint on one side of her and Captain Puffin on the other, she was +escorted home. The excitement was due to her winnings, the rage to Mrs. +Poppit's Order, the curiosity to the clue she believed she had found to +those inexplicable lights that burned so late in the houses of her +companions. Certainly it seemed that Major Flint was trying not to step +on the joints of the paving-stones, and succeeding very imperfectly, +while Captain Puffin, on her left, was walking very unevenly on the +cobbles. Even making due allowance for the difficulty of walking evenly +there at any time, Miss Mapp could not help thinking that a teetotaller +would have made a better job of it than that. Both gentlemen talked at +once, very agreeably but rather carefully, Major Flint promising himself +a studious evening over some very interesting entries in his Indian +Diary, while Captain Puffin anticipated the speedy solution of that +problem about the Roman road which had puzzled him so long. As they said +their "Au reservoirs" to her on her doorstep, they took off their hats +more often than politeness really demanded. + +Once in her house Miss Mapp postponed her good-nights to her sweet +flowers, and hurried with the utmost speed of which she was capable to +her garden-room, in order to see what her companions were doing. They +were standing in the middle of the street, and Major Flint, with +gesticulating forefinger, was being very impressive over something.... + + * * * * * + +Interesting as was Miss Mapp's walk home, and painful as was the light +which it had conceivably thrown on the problem that had baffled her for +so long, she might have been even more acutely disgusted had she +lingered on with the rest of the bridge-party in Mrs. Poppit's garden, +so revolting was the sycophantic loyalty of the newly-decorated Member +of the British Empire.... She described minutely her arrival at the +Palace, her momentary nervousness as she entered the Throne-room, the +instantaneousness with which that all vanished when she came face to +face with her Sovereign. + +"I assure you, he gave the most gracious smile," she said, "just as if +we had known each other all our lives, and I felt at home at once. And +he said a few words to me--such a beautiful voice he has. Dear Isabel, I +wish you had been there to hear it, and then----" + +"Oh, Mamma, what did he say?" asked Isabel, to the great relief of Mrs. +Plaistow and the Bartletts, for while they were bursting with eagerness +to know with the utmost detail all that had taken place, the correct +attitude in Tilling was profound indifference to anybody of whatever +degree who did not live at Tilling, and to anything that did not happen +there. In particular, any manifestation of interest in kings or other +distinguished people was held to be a very miserable failing.... So they +all pretended to look about them, and take no notice of what Mrs. Poppit +was saying, and you might have heard a pin drop. Diva silently and +hastily unwound her cloud from over her ears, risking catching cold in +the hole where her tooth had been, so terrified was she of missing a +single syllable. + +"Well, it was very gratifying," said Mrs. Poppit; "he whispered to some +gentleman standing near him, who I think was the Lord Chamberlain, and +then told me how interested he had been in the good work of the Tilling +hospital, and how especially glad he was to be able--and just then he +began to pin my Order on--to be able to recognize it. Now I call that +wonderful to know all about the Tilling hospital! And such neat, quick +fingers he has: I am sure it would take me double the time to make a +safety-pin hold, and then he gave me another smile, and passed me on, so +to speak, to the Queen, who stood next him, and who had been listening +to all he had said." + +"And did she speak to you too?" asked Diva, quite unable to maintain the +right indifference. + +"Indeed she did: she said, 'So pleased,' and what she put into those two +words I'm sure I can never convey to you. I could hear how sincere they +were: it was no set form of words, as if she meant nothing by it. She +_was_ pleased: she was just as interested in what I had done for the +Tilling hospital as the King was. And the crowds outside: they lined the +Mall for at least fifty yards. I was bowing and smiling on this side and +that till I felt quite dizzy." + +"And was the Prince of Wales there?" asked Diva, beginning to wind her +head up again. She did not care about the crowds. + +"No, he wasn't there," said Mrs. Poppit, determined to have no +embroidery in her story, however much other people, especially Miss +Mapp, decorated remarkable incidents till you hardly recognized them. +"He wasn't there. I daresay something had unexpectedly detained him, +though I shouldn't wonder if before long we all saw him. For I noticed +in the evening paper which I was reading on the way down here, after I +had seen the King, that he was going to stay with Lord Ardingly for this +very next week-end. And what's the station for Ardingly Park if it isn't +Tilling? Though it's quite a private visit, I feel convinced that the +right and proper thing for me to do is to be at the station, or, at any +rate, just outside, with my Order on. I shall not claim acquaintance +with him, or anything of that kind," said Mrs. Poppit, fingering her +Order; "but after my reception to-day at the Palace, nothing can be more +likely than that His Majesty might mention--quite casually, of +course--to the Prince that he had just given a decoration to Mrs. Poppit +of Tilling. And it would make me feel very awkward to think that that +had happened, and I was not somewhere about to make my curtsy." + +"Oh, Mamma, may I stand by you, or behind you?" asked Isabel, completely +dazzled by the splendour of this prospect and prancing about the +lawn.... + +This was quite awful: it was as bad as, if not worse than, the +historically disastrous remark about super-tax, and a general rigidity, +as of some partial cataleptic seizure, froze Mrs. Poppit's guests, +rendering them, like incomplete Marconi installations, capable of +receiving, but not of transmitting. They received these impressions, +they also continued (mechanically) to receive more chocolates and +sandwiches, and such refreshments as remained on the buffet; but no one +could intervene and stop Mrs. Poppit from exposing herself further. One +reason for this, of course, as already indicated, was that they all +longed for her to expose herself as much as she possibly could, for if +there was a quality--and, indeed, there were many--on which Tilling +prided itself, it was on its immunity from snobbishness: there were, no +doubt, in the great world with which Tilling concerned itself so little +kings and queens and dukes and Members of the Order of the British +Empire; but every Tillingite knew that he or she (particularly she) was +just as good as any of them, and indeed better, being more fortunate +than they in living in Tilling.... And if there was a process in the +world which Tilling detested, it was being patronized, and there was +this woman telling them all what she felt it right and proper for her, +as Mrs. Poppit of Tilling (M.B.E.), to do, when the Heir Apparent should +pass through the town on Saturday. The rest of them, Mrs. Poppit +implied, might do what they liked, for they did not matter; but +she--she must put on her Order and make her curtsy. And Isabel, by her +expressed desire to stand beside, or even behind, her mother for this +degrading moment had showed of what stock she came. + +Mrs. Poppit had nothing more to say on this subject; indeed, as Diva +reflected, there was really nothing more that could be said, unless she +suggested that they should all bow and curtsy to her for the future, and +their hostess proceeded, as they all took their leave, to hope that they +had enjoyed the bridge-party which she had been unavoidably prevented +from attending. + +"But my absence made it possible to include Miss Mapp," she said. "I +should not have liked poor Miss Mapp to feel left out; I am always glad +to give Miss Mapp pleasure. I hope she won her rubber; she does not like +losing. Will no one have a little more red-currant fool? Boon has made +it very tolerably to-day. A Scotch recipe of my great-grandmother's." + +Diva gave a little cackle of laughter as she enfolded herself in her +cloud again. She had heard Miss Mapp's ironical inquiry as to how the +dear King was, and had thought at the time that it was probably a pity +that Miss Mapp had said that. + + * * * * * + +Though abhorrence of snobbery and immunity from any taint of it was so +fine a characteristic of public social life at Tilling, the expected +passage of this distinguished visitor through the town on Saturday next +became very speedily known, and before the wicker-baskets of the ladies +in their morning marketings next day were half full, there was no +quarter which the news had failed to reach. Major Flint had it from Mrs. +Plaistow, as he went down to the eleven-twenty tram out to the +golf-links, and though he had not much time to spare (for his work last +night on his old diaries had caused him to breakfast unusually late that +morning to the accompaniment of a dismal headache from +over-application), he had stopped to converse with Miss Mapp immediately +afterwards, with one eye on the time, for naturally he could not fire +off that sort of news point-blank at her, as if it was a matter of any +interest or importance. + +"Good morning, dear lady," he said. "By Jove! what a picture of health +and freshness you are!" + +Miss Mapp cast one glance at her basket to see that the paper quite +concealed that article of clothing which the perfidious laundry had +found. (Probably the laundry knew where it was all the time, and--in a +figurative sense, of course--was "trying it on.") + +"Early to bed and early to rise, Major," she said. "I saw my sweet +flowers open their eyes this morning! Such a beautiful dew!" + +"Well, my diaries kept me up late last night," he said. "When all you +fascinating ladies have withdrawn is the only time at which I can bring +myself to sit down to them." + +"Let me recommend six to eight in the morning, Major," said Miss Mapp +earnestly. "Such a freshness of brain then." + +That seemed to be a cul-de-sac in the way of leading up to the important +subject, and the Major tried another turning. + +"Good, well-fought game of bridge we had yesterday," he said. "Just met +Mrs. Plaistow; she stopped on for a chat after we had gone." + +"Dear Diva; she loves a good gossip," said Miss Mapp effusively. "Such +an interest she has in other people's affairs. So human and +sympathetic. I'm sure our dear hostess told her all about her adventures +at the Palace." + +There was only seven minutes left before the tram started, and though +this was not a perfect opening, it would have to do. Besides, the Major +saw Mrs. Plaistow coming energetically along the High Street with +whirling feet. + +"Yes, and we haven't finished with--ha--royalty yet," he said, getting +the odious word out with difficulty. "The Prince of Wales will be +passing through the town on Saturday, on his way to Ardingly Park, where +he is spending the Sunday." + +Miss Mapp was not betrayed into the smallest expression of interest. + +"That will be nice for him," she said. "He will catch a glimpse of our +beautiful Tilling." + +"So he will! Well, I'm off for my game of golf. Perhaps the Navy will be +a bit more efficient to-day." + +"I'm sure you will both play perfectly!" said Miss Mapp. + +Diva had "popped" into the grocer's. She always popped everywhere just +now; she popped across to see a friend, and she popped home again; she +popped into church on Sunday, and occasionally popped up to town, and +Miss Mapp was beginning to feel that somebody ought to let her know, +directly or by insinuation, that she popped too much. So, thinking that +an opportunity might present itself now, Miss Mapp read the news-board +outside the stationer's till Diva popped out of the grocer's again. The +headlines of news, even the largest of them, hardly reached her brain, +because it entirely absorbed in another subject. Of course, the first +thing was to find out by what train.... + +Diva trundled swiftly across the street. + +"Good morning, Elizabeth," she said. "You left the party too early +yesterday. Missed a lot. How the King smiled! How the Queen said 'So +pleased.'" + +"Our dear hostess would like that," said Miss Mapp pensively. "She would +be so pleased, too. She and the Queen would both be pleased. Quite a +pair of them." + +"By the way, on Saturday next----" began Diva. + +"I know, dear," said Miss Mapp. "Major Flint told me. It seemed quite to +interest him. Now I must pop into the stationer's----" + +Diva was really very obtuse. + +"I'm popping in there, too," she said. "Want a time-table of the +trains." + +Wild horses would not have dragged from Miss Mapp that this was +precisely what she wanted. + +"I only wanted a little ruled paper," she said. "Why, here's dear Evie +popping out just as we pop in! Good morning, sweet Evie. Lovely day +again." + +Mrs. Bartlett thrust something into her basket which very much resembled +a railway time-table. She spoke in a low, quick voice, as if afraid of +being overheard, and was otherwise rather like a mouse. When she was +excited she squeaked. + +"So good for the harvest," she said. "Such an important thing to have a +good harvest. I hope next Saturday will be fine; it would be a pity if +he had a wet day. We were wondering, Kenneth and I, what would be the +proper thing to do, if he came over for service--oh, here is Kenneth!" + +She stopped abruptly, as if afraid that she had betrayed too much +interest in next Saturday and Sunday. Kenneth would manage it much +better. + +"Ha! lady fair," he exclaimed. "Having a bit crack with wee wifey? Any +news this bright morning?" + +"No, dear Padre," said Miss Mapp, showing her gums. "At least, I've +heard nothing of any interest. I can only give you the news of my +garden. Such lovely new roses in bloom to-day, bless them!" + +Mrs. Plaistow had popped into the stationer's, so this perjury was +undetected. + +The Padre was noted for his diplomacy. Just now he wanted to convey the +impression that nothing which could happen next Saturday or Sunday could +be of the smallest interest to him; whereas he had spent an almost +sleepless night in wondering whether it would, in certain circumstances, +be proper to make a bow at the beginning of his sermon and another at +the end; whether he ought to meet the visitor at the west door; whether +the mayor ought to be told, and whether there ought to be special +psalms.... + +"Well, lady fair," he said. "Gossip will have it that ye Prince of Wales +is staying at Ardingly for the Sunday; indeed, he will, I suppose, pass +through Tilling on Saturday afternoon----" + +Miss Mapp put her forefinger to her forehead, as if trying to recollect +something. + +"Yes, now somebody did tell me that," she said. "Major Flint, I believe. +But when you asked for news I thought you meant something that really +interested me. Yes, Padre?" + +"Aweel, if he comes to service on Sunday----?" + +"Dear Padre, I'm sure he'll hear a very good sermon. Oh, I see what you +mean! Whether you ought to have any special hymn? Don't ask poor little +me! Mrs. Poppit, I'm sure, would tell you. She knows all about courts +and etiquette." + +Diva popped out of the stationer's at this moment. + +"Sold out," she announced. "Everybody wanted time-tables this morning. +Evie got the last. Have to go to the station." + +"I'll walk with you, Diva, dear," said Miss Mapp. "There's a parcel +that---- Good-bye, dear Evie, au reservoir." + +She kissed her hand to Mrs. Bartlett, leaving a smile behind it, as it +fluttered away from her face, for the Padre. + +Miss Mapp was so impenetrably wrapped in thought as she worked among her +sweet flowers that afternoon, that she merely stared at a +"love-in-a-mist," which she had absently rooted up instead of a piece of +groundsel, without any bleeding of the heart for one of her sweet +flowers. There were two trains by which He might arrive--one at 4.15, +which would get him to Ardingly for tea, the other at 6.45. She was +quite determined to see him, but more inflexible than that resolve was +the Euclidean postulate that no one in Tilling should think that she had +taken any deliberate step to do so. For the present she had disarmed +suspicion by the blankness of her indifference as to what might happen +on Saturday or Sunday; but she herself strongly suspected that everybody +else, in spite of the public attitude of Tilling to such subjects, was +determined to see him too. How to see and not be seen was the question +which engrossed her, and though she might possibly happen to be at that +sharp corner outside the station where every motor had to go slow, on +the arrival of the 4.15, it would never do to risk being seen there +again precisely at 6.45. Mrs. Poppit, shameless in her snobbery, would +no doubt be at the station with her Order on at both these hours, if the +arrival did not take place by the first train, and Isabel would be +prancing by or behind her, and, in fact, dreadful though it was to +contemplate, all Tilling, she reluctantly believed, would be hanging +about.... Then an idea struck her, so glorious, that she put the +uprooted love-in-a-mist in the weed-basket, instead of planting it +again, and went quickly indoors, up to the attics, and from there +popped--really popped, so tight was the fit--through a trap-door on to +the roof. Yes: the station was plainly visible, and if the 4.15 was the +favoured train, there would certainly be a motor from Ardingly Park +waiting there in good time for its arrival. From the house-roof she +could ascertain that, and she would then have time to trip down the hill +and get to her coal merchant's at that sharp corner outside the station, +and ask, rather peremptorily, when the coke for her central heating +might be expected. It was due now, and though it would be unfortunate if +it arrived before Saturday, it was quite easy to smile away her +peremptory manner, and say that Withers had not told her. Miss Mapp +hated prevarication, but a major force sometimes came along.... But if +no motors from Ardingly Park were in waiting for the 4.15 (as spied from +her house-roof), she need not risk being seen in the neighbourhood of +the station, but would again make observations some few minutes before +the 6.45 was due. There was positively no other train by which He could +come.... + +The next day or two saw no traceable developments in the situation, but +Miss Mapp's trained sense told her that there was underground work of +some kind going on: she seemed to hear faint hollow taps and muffled +knockings, and, so to speak, the silence of some unusual pregnancy. Up +and down the High Street she observed short whispered conversations +going on between her friends, which broke off on her approach. This only +confirmed her view that these secret colloquies were connected with +Saturday afternoon, for it was not to be expected that, after her +freezing reception of the news, any projected snobbishness should be +confided to her, and though she would have liked to know what Diva and +Irene and darling Evie were meaning to do, the fact that they none of +them told her, showed that they were aware that she, at any rate, was +utterly indifferent to and above that sort of thing. She suspected, too, +that Major Flint had fallen victim to this unTilling-like mania, for on +Friday afternoon, when passing his door, which happened to be standing +open, she quite distinctly saw him in front of his glass in the hall +(standing on the head of one of the tigers to secure a better view of +himself), trying on a silk top-hat. Her own errand at this moment was to +the draper's, where she bought a quantity of pretty pale blue braid, for +a little domestic dress-making which was in arrears, and some riband of +the same tint. At this clever and unusual hour for shopping, the High +Street was naturally empty, and after a little hesitation and many +anxious glances to right and left, she plunged into the toy-shop and +bought a pleasant little Union Jack with a short stick attached to it. +She told Mr. Dabnet very distinctly that it was a present for her +nephew, and concealed it inside her parasol, where it lay quite flat and +made no perceptible bulge.... + +At four o'clock on Saturday afternoon, she remembered that the damp had +come in through her bedroom ceiling in a storm last winter, and told +Withers she was going to have a look to see if any tiles were loose. In +order to ascertain this for certain, she took up through the trap door a +pair of binocular glasses, through which it was also easy to identify +anybody who might be in the open yard outside the station. Even as she +looked, Mrs. Poppit and Isabel crossed the yard into the waiting-room +and ticket-office. It was a little surprising that there were not more +friends in the station-yard, but at the moment she heard a loud Qui-hi +in the street below, and cautiously peering over the parapet, she got an +admirable view of the Major in a frock-coat and tall hat. A "Coo-ee" +answered him, and Captain Puffin, in a new suit (Miss Mapp was certain +of it) and a Panama hat, joined him. They went down the street and +turned the corner.... Across the opening to the High Street there shot +the figure of darling Diva. + +While waiting for them to appear again in the station-yard, Miss Mapp +looked to see what vehicles were standing there. It was already ten +minutes past four, and the Ardingly motors must have been there by this +time, if there was anything "doing" by the 4.15. But positively the only +vehicle there was an open trolly laden with a piano in a sack. Apart +from knowing all about that piano, for Mrs. Poppit had talked about +little else than her new upright Bluthner before her visit to Buckingham +Palace, a moment's reflection convinced Miss Mapp that this was a very +unlikely mode of conveyance for any guest.... She watched for a few +moments more, but as no other friends appeared in the station-yard, she +concluded that they were hanging about the street somewhere, poor +things, and decided not to make inquiries about her coke just yet. + +She had tea while she arranged flowers, in the very front of the window +in her garden-room, and presently had the satisfaction of seeing many of +the baffled loyalists trudging home. There was no need to do more than +smile and tap the window and kiss her hand: they all knew that she had +been busy with her flowers, and that she knew what they had been busy +about.... Out again they all came towards half-past six, and when she +had watched the last of them down the hill, she hurried back to the +roof again, to make a final inspection of the loose tiles through her +binoculars. Brief but exciting was that inspection, for opposite the +entrance to the station was drawn up a motor. So clear was the air and +so serviceable her binoculars that she could distinguish the vulgar +coronet on the panels, and as she looked Mrs. Poppit and Isabel hurried +across the station-yard. It was then but the work of a moment to slip on +the dust-cloak trimmed with blue braid, adjust the hat with the blue +riband, and take up the parasol with its furled Union Jack inside it. +The stick of the flag was uppermost; she could whip it out in a moment. + + * * * * * + +Miss Mapp had calculated her appearance to a nicety. Just as she got to +the sharp corner opposite the station, where all cars slowed down and +her coal-merchant's office was situated, the train drew up. By the gates +into the yard were standing the Major in his top-hat, the Captain in his +Panama, Irene in a civilized skirt; Diva in a brand-new walking dress, +and the Padre and wee wifey. They were all looking in the direction of +the station, and Miss Mapp stepped into the coal-merchant's unobserved. +Oddly enough the coke had been sent three days before, and there was no +need for peremptoriness. + +"So good of you, Mr. Wootten!" she said; "and why is everyone standing +about this afternoon?" + +Mr. Wootten explained the reason of this, and Miss Mapp, grasping her +parasol, went out again as the car left the station. There were too many +dear friends about, she decided, to use the Union Jack, and having seen +what she wanted to she determined to slip quietly away again. Already +the Major's hat was in his hand, and he was bowing low, so too were +Captain Puffin and the Padre, while Irene, Diva and Evie were making +little ducking movements.... Miss Mapp was determined, when it came to +her turn, to show them, as she happened to be on the spot, what a proper +curtsy was. + +The car came opposite her, and she curtsied so low that recovery was +impossible, and she sat down in the road. Her parasol flew out of her +hand and out of her parasol flew the Union Jack. She saw a young man +looking out of the window, dressed in khaki, grinning broadly, but not, +so she thought, graciously, and it suddenly struck her that there was +something, beside her own part in the affair, which was not as it should +be. As he put his head in again there was loud laughter from the inside +of the car. + +Mr. Wootten helped her up and the entire assembly of her friends crowded +round her, hoping she was not hurt. + +"No, dear Major, dear Padre, not at all, thanks," she said. "So stupid: +my ancle turned. Oh, yes, the Union Jack I bought for my nephew, it's +his birthday to-morrow. Thank you. I just came to see about my coke: of +course I thought the Prince had arrived when you all went down to meet +the 4.15. Fancy my running straight into it all! How well he looked." + +This was all rather lame, and Miss Mapp hailed Mrs. Poppit's appearance +from the station as a welcome diversion.... Mrs. Poppit was looking +vexed. + +"I hope you saw him well, Mrs. Poppit," said Miss Mapp, "after meeting +two trains, and taking all that trouble." + +"Saw who?" said Mrs. Poppit with a deplorable lack both of manner and +grammar. "Why"--light seemed to break on her odious countenance. "Why, +you don't think that was the Prince, do you, Miss Mapp? He arrived here +at one, so the station-master has just told me, and has been playing +golf all afternoon." + +The Major looked at the Captain, and the Captain at the Major. It was +months and months since they had missed their Saturday afternoon's golf. + +"It was the Prince of Wales who looked out of that car-window," said +Miss Mapp firmly. "Such a pleasant smile. I should know it anywhere." + +"The young man who got into the car at the station was no more the +Prince of Wales than you are," said Mrs. Poppit shrilly. "I was close to +him as he came out: I curtsied to him before I saw." + +Miss Mapp instantly changed her attack: she could hardly hold her smile +on to her face for rage. + +"How very awkward for you," she said. "What a laugh they will all have +over it this evening! Delicious!" + +Mrs. Poppit's face suddenly took on an expression of the tenderest +solicitude. + +"I hope, Miss Mapp, you didn't jar yourself when you sat down in the +road just now," she said. + +"Not at all, thank you so much," said Miss Mapp, hearing her heart beat +in her throat.... If she had had a naval fifteen-inch gun handy, and had +known how to fire it, she would, with a sense of duty accomplished, have +discharged it point-blank at the Order of the Member of the British +Empire, and at anybody else who might be within range.... + + * * * * * + +Sunday, of course, with all the opportunities of that day, still +remained, and the seats of the auxiliary choir, which were +advantageously situated, had never been so full, but as it was all no +use, the Major and Captain Puffin left during the sermon to catch the +12.20 tram out to the links. On this delightful day it was but natural +that the pleasant walk there across the marsh was very popular, and +golfers that afternoon had a very trying and nervous time, for the +ladies of Tilling kept bobbing up from behind sand-dunes and bunkers, +as, regardless of the players, they executed swift flank marches in all +directions. Miss Mapp returned exhausted about tea-time to hear from +Withers that the Prince had spent an hour or more rambling about the +town, and had stopped quite five minutes at the corner by the +garden-room. He had actually sat down on Miss Mapp's steps and smoked a +cigarette. She wondered if the end of the cigarette was there still: it +was hateful to have cigarette-ends defiling the steps to her front-door, +and often before now, when sketchers were numerous, she had sent her +housemaid out to remove these untidy relics. She searched for it, but +was obliged to come to the reluctant conclusion that there was nothing +to remove.... + + + + +CHAPTER III + + +Diva was sitting at the open drawing-room window of her house in the +High Street, cutting with a pair of sharp nail scissors into the old +chintz curtains which her maid had told her no longer "paid for the +mending." So, since they refused to pay for their mending any more, she +was preparing to make them pay, pretty smartly too, in other ways. The +pattern was of little bunches of pink roses peeping out through trellis +work, and it was these which she had just begun to cut out. Though +Tilling was noted for the ingenuity with which its more fashionable +ladies devised novel and quaint effects in their dress in an economical +manner, Diva felt sure, ransack her memory though she might, that nobody +had thought of _this_ before. + +The hot weather had continued late into September and showed no signs +of breaking yet, and it would be agreeable to her and acutely painful to +others that just at the end of the summer she should appear in a +perfectly new costume, before the days of jumpers and heavy skirts and +large woollen scarves came in. She was preparing, therefore, to take the +light white jacket which she wore over her blouse, and cover the broad +collar and cuffs of it with these pretty roses. The belt of the skirt +would be similarly decorated, and so would the edge of it, if there were +enough clean ones. The jacket and skirt had already gone to the dyer's, +and would be back in a day or two, white no longer, but of a rich purple +hue, and by that time she would have hundreds of these little pink roses +ready to be tacked on. Perhaps a piece of the chintz, trellis and all, +could be sewn over the belt, but she was determined to have single +little bunches of roses peppered all over the collar and cuffs of the +jacket and, if possible, round the edge of the skirt. She had already +tried the effect, and was of the opinion that nobody could possibly +guess what the origin of these roses was. When carefully sewn on they +looked as if they were a design in the stuff. + +She let the circumcised roses fall on to the window-seat, and from time +to time, when they grew numerous, swept them into a cardboard box. +Though she worked with zealous diligence, she had an eye to the +movements in the street outside, for it was shopping-hour, and there +were many observations to be made. She had not anything like Miss Mapp's +genius for conjecture, but her memory was appallingly good, and this was +the third morning running on which Elizabeth had gone into the grocer's. +It was odd to go to your grocer's every day like that; groceries twice a +week was sufficient for most people. From here on the floor above the +street she could easily look into Elizabeth's basket, and she certainly +was carrying nothing away with her from the grocer's, for the only thing +there was a small bottle done up in white paper with sealing wax, which, +Diva had no need to be told, certainly came from the chemist's, and was +no doubt connected with too many plums. + +Miss Mapp crossed the street to the pavement below Diva's house, and +precisely as she reached it, Diva's maid opened the door into the +drawing-room, bringing in the second post, or rather not bringing in the +second post, but the announcement that there wasn't any second post. +This opening of the door caused a draught, and the bunches of roses +which littered the window-seat rose brightly in the air. Diva managed to +beat most of them down again, but two fluttered out of the window. +Precisely then, and at no other time, Miss Mapp looked up, and one +settled on her face, the other fell into her basket. Her trained +faculties were all on the alert, and she thrust them both inside her +glove for future consideration, without stopping to examine them just +then. She only knew that they were little pink roses, and that they had +fluttered out of Diva's window.... + +She paused on the pavement, and remembered that Diva had not yet +expressed regret about the worsted, and that she still "popped" as much +as ever. Thus Diva deserved a punishment of some sort, and happily, at +that very moment she thought of a subject on which she might be able to +make her uncomfortable. The street was full, and it would be pretty to +call up to her, instead of ringing her bell, in order to save trouble to +poor overworked Janet. (Diva only kept two servants, though of course +poverty was no crime.) + +"Diva darling!" she cooed. + +Diva's head looked out like a cuckoo in a clock preparing to chime the +hour. + +"Hullo!" she said. "Want me?" + +"May I pop up for a moment, dear?" said Miss Mapp. "That's to say if +you're not very busy." + +"Pop away," said Diva. She was quite aware that Miss Mapp said "pop" in +crude inverted commas, so to speak, for purposes of mockery, and so she +said it herself more than ever. "I'll tell my maid to pop down and open +the door." + +While this was being done, Diva bundled her chintz curtains together and +stored them and the roses she had cut out into her work-cupboard, for +secrecy was an essential to the construction of these decorations. But +in order to appear naturally employed, she pulled out the woollen scarf +she was knitting for the autumn and winter, forgetting for the moment +that the rose-madder stripe at the end on which she was now engaged was +made of that fatal worsted which Miss Mapp considered to have been +feloniously appropriated. That was the sort of thing Miss Mapp never +forgot. Even among her sweet flowers. Her eye fell on it the moment she +entered the room, and she tucked the two chintz roses more securely into +her glove. + +"I thought I would just pop across from the grocer's," she said. "What a +pretty scarf, dear! That's a lovely shade of rose-madder. Where can I +have seen something like it before?" + +This was clearly ironical, and had best be answered by irony. Diva was +no coward. + +"Couldn't say, I'm sure," she said. + +Miss Mapp appeared to recollect, and smiled as far back as her +wisdom-teeth. (Diva couldn't do that.) + +"I have it," she said. "It was the wool I ordered at Heynes's, and then +he sold it you, and I couldn't get any more." + +"So it was," said Diva. "Upset you a bit. There was the wool in the +shop. I bought it." + +"Yes, dear; I see you did. But that wasn't what I popped in about. This +coal-strike, you know." + +"Got a cellar full," said Diva. + +"Diva, you've not been hoarding, have you?" asked Miss Mapp with great +anxiety. "They can take away every atom of coal you've got, if so, and +fine you I don't know what for every hundredweight of it." + +"Pooh!" said Diva, rather forcing the indifference of this rude +interjection. + +"Yes, love, pooh by all means, if you like poohing!" said Miss Mapp. +"But I should have felt very unfriendly if one morning I found you were +fined--found you were fined--quite a play upon words--and I hadn't +warned you." + +Diva felt a little less poohish. + +"But how much do they allow you to have?" she asked. + +"Oh, quite a little: enough to go on with. But I daresay they won't +discover you. I just took the trouble to come and warn you." + +Diva did remember something about hoarding; there had surely been +dreadful exposures of prudent housekeepers in the papers which were very +uncomfortable reading. + +"But all these orders were only for the period of the war," she said. + +"No doubt you're right, dear," said Miss Mapp brightly. "I'm sure I hope +you are. Only if the coal strike comes on, I think you'll find that the +regulations against hoarding are quite as severe as they ever were. Food +hoarding, too. Twemlow--such a civil man--tells me that he thinks we +shall have plenty of food, or anyhow sufficient for everybody for quite +a long time, provided that there's no hoarding. Not been hoarding food, +too, dear Diva? You naughty thing: I believe that great cupboard is full +of sardines and biscuits and bovril." + +"Nothing of the kind," said Diva indignantly. "You shall see for +yourself"--and then she suddenly remembered that the cupboard was full +of chintz curtains and little bunches of pink roses, neatly cut out of +them, and a pair of nail scissors. + +There was a perfectly perceptible pause, during which Miss Mapp noticed +that there were no curtains over the window. There certainly used to be, +and they matched with the chintz cover of the window seat, which was +decorated with little bunches of pink roses peeping through trellis. +This was in the nature of a bonus: she had not up till then connected +the chintz curtains with the little things that had fluttered down upon +her and were now safe in her glove; her only real object in this call +had been to instil a general uneasiness into Diva's mind about the coal +strike and the danger of being well provided with fuel. That she humbly +hoped that she had accomplished. She got up. + +"Must be going," she said. "Such a lovely little chat! But what has +happened to your pretty curtains?" + +"Gone to the wash," said Diva firmly. + +"Liar," thought Miss Mapp, as she tripped downstairs. "Diva would have +sent the cover of the window-seat too, if that was the case. Liar," she +thought again as she kissed her hand to Diva, who was looking gloomily +out of the window. + + * * * * * + +As soon as Miss Mapp had gained her garden-room, she examined the +mysterious treasures in her left-hand glove. Without the smallest doubt +Diva had taken down her curtains (and high time too, for they were sadly +shabby), and was cutting the roses out of them. But what on earth was +she doing that for? For what garish purpose could she want to use +bunches of roses cut out of chintz curtains? + +Miss Mapp had put the two specimens of which she had providentially +become possessed in her lap, and they looked very pretty against the +navy-blue of her skirt. Diva was very ingenious: she used up all sorts +of odds and ends in a way that did credit to her undoubtedly +parsimonious qualities. She could trim a hat with a tooth-brush and a +banana in such a way that it looked quite Parisian till you firmly +analysed its component parts, and most of her ingenuity was devoted to +dress: the more was the pity that she had such a roundabout figure that +her waistband always reminded you of the equator.... + +"Eureka!" said Miss Mapp aloud, and, though the telephone bell was +ringing, and the postulant might be one of the servants' friends ringing +them up at an hour when their mistress was usually in the High Street, +she glided swiftly to the large cupboard underneath the stairs which was +full of the things which no right-minded person could bear to throw +away: broken basket-chairs, pieces of brown paper, cardboard boxes +without lids, and cardboard lids without boxes, old bags with holes in +them, keys without locks and locks without keys and worn chintz covers. +There was one--it had once adorned the sofa in the garden-room--covered +with red poppies (very easy to cut out), and Miss Mapp dragged it +dustily from its corner, setting in motion a perfect cascade of +cardboard lids and some door-handles. + +Withers had answered the telephone, and came to announce that Twemlow +the grocer regretted he had only two large tins of corned beef, but---- + +"Then say I will have the tongue as well, Withers," said Miss Mapp. +"Just a tongue--and then I shall want you and Mary to do some cutting +out for me." + +The three went to work with feverish energy, for Diva had got a start, +and by four o'clock that afternoon there were enough poppies cut out to +furnish, when in seed, a whole street of opium dens. The dress selected +for decoration was, apart from a few mildew-spots, the colour of ripe +corn, which was superbly appropriate for September. "Poppies in the +corn," said Miss Mapp over and over to herself, remembering some sweet +verses she had once read by Bernard Shaw or Clement Shorter or somebody +like that about a garden of sleep somewhere in Norfolk.... + +"No one can work as neatly as you, Withers," she said gaily, "and I +shall ask you to do the most difficult part. I want you to sew my lovely +poppies over the collar and facings of the jacket, just spacing them a +little and making a dainty irregularity. And then Mary--won't you, +Mary?--will do the same with the waistband while I put a border of them +round the skirt, and my dear old dress will look quite new and lovely. I +shall be at home to nobody, Withers, this afternoon, even if the Prince +of Wales came and sat on my doorstep again. We'll all work together in +the garden, shall we, and you and Mary must scold me if you think I'm +not working hard enough. It will be delicious in the garden." + +Thanks to this pleasant plan, there was not much opportunity for Withers +and Mary to be idle.... + + * * * * * + +Just about the time that this harmonious party began their work, a far +from harmonious couple were being just as industrious in the grand +spacious bunker in front of the tee to the last hole on the golf links. +It was a beautiful bunker, consisting of a great slope of loose, steep +sand against the face of the hill, and solidly shored up with timber. +The Navy had been in better form to-day, and after a decisive victory +over the Army in the morning and an indemnity of half-a-crown, its match +in the afternoon, with just the last hole to play, was all square. So +Captain Puffin, having the honour, hit a low, nervous drive that tapped +loudly at the timbered wall of the bunker, and cuddled down below it, +well protected from any future assault. + +"Phew! That about settles it," said Major Flint boisterously. "Bad place +to top a ball! Give me the hole?" + +This insolent question needed no answer, and Major Flint drove, skying +the ball to a prodigious height. But it had to come to earth sometime, +and it fell like Lucifer, son of the morning, in the middle of the same +bunker.... So the Army played three more, and, sweating profusely, got +out. Then it was the Navy's turn, and the Navy had to lie on its keel +above the boards of the bunker, in order to reach its ball at all, and +missed it twice. + +"Better give it up, old chap," said Major Flint. "Unplayable." + +"Then see me play it," said Captain Puffin, with a chewing motion of his +jaws. + +"We shall miss the tram," said the Major, and, with the intention of +giving annoyance, he sat down in the bunker with his back to Captain +Puffin, and lit a cigarette. At his third attempt nothing happened; at +the fourth the ball flew against the boards, rebounded briskly again +into the bunker, trickled down the steep, sandy slope and hit the +Major's boot. + +"Hit you, I think," said Captain Puffin. "Ha! So it's my hole, Major!" + +Major Flint had a short fit of aphasia. He opened and shut his mouth and +foamed. Then he took a half-crown from his pocket. + +"Give that to the Captain," he said to his caddie, and without looking +round, walked away in the direction of the tram. He had not gone a +hundred yards when the whistle sounded, and it puffed away homewards +with ever-increasing velocity. + + * * * * * + +Weak and trembling from passion, Major Flint found that after a few +tottering steps in the direction of Tilling he would be totally unable +to get there unless fortified by some strong stimulant, and turned back +to the Club-house to obtain it. He always went dead-lame when beaten at +golf, while Captain Puffin was lame in any circumstances, and the two, +no longer on speaking terms, hobbled into the Club-house, one after the +other, each unconscious of the other's presence. Summoning his last +remaining strength Major Flint roared for whisky, and was told that, +according to regulation, he could not be served until six. There was +lemonade and stone ginger-beer.... You might as well have offered a +man-eating tiger bread and milk. Even the threat that he would instantly +resign his membership unless provided with drink produced no effect on a +polite steward, and he sat down to recover as best he might with an old +volume of _Punch_. This seemed to do him little good. His forced +abstemiousness was rendered the more intolerable by the fact that +Captain Puffin, hobbling in immediately afterwards, fetched from his +locker a large flask full of the required elixir, and proceeded to mix +himself a long, strong tumblerful. After the Major's rudeness in the +matter of the half-crown, it was impossible for any sailor of spirit to +take the first step towards reconciliation. + +Thirst is a great leveller. By the time the refreshed Puffin had +penetrated half-way down his glass, the Major found it impossible to be +proud and proper any longer. He hated saying he was sorry (no man more) +and wouldn't have been sorry if he had been able to get a drink. He +twirled his moustache a great many times and cleared his throat--it +wanted more than that to clear it--and capitulated. + +"Upon my word, Puffin, I'm ashamed of myself for--ha!--for not taking my +defeat better," he said. "A man's no business to let a game ruffle him." + +Puffin gave his alto cackling laugh. + +"Oh, that's all right, Major," he said. "I know it's awfully hard to +lose like a gentleman." + +He let this sink in, then added: + +"Have a drink, old chap?" + +Major Flint flew to his feet. + +"Well, thank ye, thank ye," he said. "Now where's that soda water you +offered me just now?" he shouted to the steward. + +The speed and completeness of the reconciliation was in no way +remarkable, for when two men quarrel whenever they meet, it follows that +they make it up again with corresponding frequency, else there could be +no fresh quarrels at all. This one had been a shade more acute than +most, and the drop into amity again was a shade more precipitous. + +Major Flint in his eagerness had put most of his moustache into the +life-giving tumbler, and dried it on his handkerchief. + +"After all, it was a most amusing incident," he said. "There was I with +my back turned, waiting for you to give it up, when your bl--wretched +little ball hit my foot. I must remember that. I'll serve you with the +same spoon some day, at least I would if I thought it sportsmanlike. +Well, well, enough said. Astonishing good whisky, that of yours." + +Captain Puffin helped himself to rather more than half of what now +remained in the flask. + +"Help yourself, Major," he said. + +"Well, thank ye, I don't mind if I do," he said, reversing the flask +over the tumbler. "There's a good tramp in front of us now that the last +tram has gone. Tram and tramp! Upon my word, I've half a mind to +telephone for a taxi." + +This, of course, was a direct hint. Puffin ought clearly to pay for a +taxi, having won two half-crowns to-day. This casual drink did not +constitute the usual drink stood by the winner, and paid for with cash +over the counter. A drink (or two) from a flask was not the same +thing.... Puffin naturally saw it in another light. He had paid for the +whisky which Major Flint had drunk (or owed for it) in his +wine-merchant's bill. That was money just as much as a florin pushed +across the counter. But he was so excessively pleased with himself over +the adroitness with which he had claimed the last hole, that he quite +overstepped the bounds of his habitual parsimony. + +"Well, you trot along to the telephone and order a taxi," he said, "and +I'll pay for it." + +"Done with you," said the other. + +Their comradeship was now on its most felicitous level again, and they +sat on the bench outside the club-house till the arrival of their +unusual conveyance. + +"Lunching at the Poppits' to-morrow?" asked Major Flint. + +"Yes. Meet you there? Good. Bridge afterwards, suppose." + +"Sure to be. Wish there was a chance of more red-currant fool. That was +a decent tipple, all but the red-currants. If I had had all the old +brandy that was served for my ration in one glass, and all the champagne +in another, I should have been better content." + +Captain Puffin was a great cynic in his own misogynistic way. + +"Camouflage for the fair sex," he said. "A woman will lick up half a +bottle of brandy if it's called plum-pudding, and ask for more, whereas +if you offered her a small brandy and soda, she would think you were +insulting her." + +"Bless them, the funny little fairies," said the Major. + +"Well, what I tell you is true, Major," said Puffin. "There's old Mapp. +Teetotaller she calls herself, but she played a bo'sun's part in that +red-currant fool. Bit rosy, I thought her, as we escorted her home." + +"So she was," said the Major. "So she was. Said good-bye to us on her +doorstep as if she thought she was a perfect Venus Ana--Ana something." + +"Anno Domini," giggled Puffin. + +"Well, well, we all get long in the tooth in time," said Major Flint +charitably. "Fine figure of a woman, though." + +"Eh?" said Puffin archly. + +"Now none of your sailor-talk ashore, Captain," said the Major, in high +good humour. "I'm not a marrying man any more than you are. Better if I +had been perhaps, more years ago than I care to think about. Dear me, +my wound's going to trouble me to-night." + +"What do you do for it, Major?" asked Puffin. + +"Do for it? Think of old times a bit over my diaries." + +"Going to let the world have a look at them some day?" asked Puffin. + +"No, sir, I am not," said Major Flint. "Perhaps a hundred years +hence--the date I have named in my will for their publication--someone +may think them not so uninteresting. But all this toasting and buttering +and grilling and frying your friends, and serving them up hot for all +the old cats at a tea-table to mew over--Pah!" + +Puffin was silent a moment in appreciation of these noble sentiments. + +"But you put in a lot of work over them," he said at length. "Often when +I'm going up to bed, I see the light still burning in your sitting-room +window." + +"And if it comes to that," rejoined the Major, "I'm sure I've often +dozed off when I'm in bed and woken again, and pulled up my blind, and +what not, and there's your light still burning. Powerful long roads +those old Romans must have made, Captain." + +The ice was not broken, but it was cracking in all directions under this +unexampled thaw. The two had clearly indicated a mutual suspicion of +each other's industrious habits after dinner.... They had never got +quite so far as this before: some quarrel had congealed the surface +again. But now, with a desperate disagreement just behind them, and the +unusual luxury of a taxi just in front, the vernal airs continued +blowing in the most springlike manner. + +"Yes, that's true enough," said Puffin. "Long roads they were, and dry +roads at that, and if I stuck to them from after my supper every +evening till midnight or more, should be smothered in dust." + +"Unless you washed the dust down just once in a while," said Major +Flint. + +"Just so. Brain-work's an exhausting process; requires a little +stimulant now and again," said Puffin. "I sit in my chair, you +understand, and perhaps doze for a bit after my supper, and then I'll +get my maps out, and have them handy beside me. And then, if there's +something interesting the evening paper, perhaps I'll have a look at it, +and bless me, if by that time it isn't already half-past ten or eleven, +and it seems useless to tackle archaeology then. And I just--just while +away the time till I'm sleepy. But there seems to be a sort of legend +among the ladies here, that I'm a great student of local topography and +Roman roads, and all sorts of truck, and I find it better to leave it at +that. Tiresome to go into long explanations. In fact," added Puffin in a +burst of confidence, "the study I've done on Roman roads these last six +months wouldn't cover a threepenny piece." + +Major Flint gave a loud, choking guffaw and beat his fat leg. + +"Well, if that's not the best joke I've heard for many a long day," he +said. "There I've been in the house opposite you these last two years, +seeing your light burning late night after night, and thinking to +myself, 'There's my friend Puffin still at it! Fine thing to be an +enthusiastic archaeologist like that. That makes short work of a lonely +evening for him if he's so buried in his books or his maps--Mapps, ha! +ha!--that he doesn't seem to notice whether it's twelve o'clock or one +or two, maybe!' And all the time you've been sitting snoozing and +boozing in your chair, with your glass handy to wash the dust down." + +Puffin added his falsetto cackle to this merriment. + +"And, often I've thought to myself," he said, "'There's my friend the +Major in his study opposite, with all his diaries round him, making a +note here, and copying an extract there, and conferring with the Viceroy +one day, and reprimanding the Maharajah of Bom-be-boo another. He's +spending the evening on India's coral strand, he is, having tiffin and +shooting tigers and Gawd knows what--'" + +The Major's laughter boomed out again. + +"And I never kept a diary in my life!" he cried. "Why there's enough +cream in this situation to make a dishful of meringues. You and I, you +know, the students of Tilling! The serious-minded students who do a hard +day's work when all the pretty ladies have gone to bed. Often and often +has old--I mean has that fine woman, Miss Mapp, told me that I work too +hard at night! Recommended me to get earlier to bed, and do my work +between six and eight in the morning! Six and eight in the morning! +That's a queer time of day to recommend an old campaigner to be awake +at! Often she's talked to you, too, I bet my hat, about sitting up late +and exhausting the nervous faculties." + +Major Flint choked and laughed and inhaled tobacco smoke till he got +purple in the face. + +"And you sitting up one side of the street," he gasped, "pretending to +be interested in Roman roads, and me on the other pulling a long face +over my diaries, and neither of us with a Roman road or a diary to our +names. Let's have an end to such unsociable arrangements, old friend; +you bring your Roman roads and the bottle to lay the dust over to me one +night, and I'll bring my diaries and my peg over to you the next. Never +drink alone--one of my maxims in life--if you can find someone to drink +with you. And there were you within a few yards of me all the time +sitting by your old solitary self, and there was I sitting by my old +solitary self, and we each thought the other a serious-minded old +buffer, busy on his life-work. I'm blessed if I heard of two such +pompous old frauds as you and I, Captain! What a sight of hypocrisy +there is in the world, to be sure! No offence--mind: I'm as bad as you, +and you're as bad as me, and we're both as bad as each other. But no +more solitary confinement of an evening for Benjamin Flint, as long as +you're agreeable." + +The advent of the taxi was announced, and arm in arm they limped down +the steep path together to the road. A little way off to the left was +the great bunker which, primarily, was the cause of their present amity. +As they drove by it, the Major waggled his red hand at it. + +"Au reservoir," he said. "Back again soon!" + + * * * * * + +It was late that night when Miss Mapp felt that she was physically +incapable of tacking on a single poppy more to the edge of her skirt, +and went to the window of the garden-room where she had been working, to +close it. She glanced up at the top story of her own house, and saw that +the lights in the servants' rooms were out: she glanced to the right and +concluded that her gardener had gone to bed: finally, she glanced down +the street and saw with a pang of pleasure that the windows of the +Major's house showed no sign of midnight labour. This was intensely +gratifying: it indicated that her influence was at work in him, for in +response to her wish, so often and so tactfully urged on him, that he +would go to bed earlier and not work so hard at night, here was the +darkened window, and she dismissed as unworthy the suspicion which had +been aroused by the red-currant fool. The window of his bedroom was +dark too: he must have already put out his light, and Miss Mapp made +haste over her little tidyings so that she might not be found a +transgressor to her own precepts. But there was a light in Captain +Puffin's house: he had a less impressionable nature than the Major and +was in so many ways far inferior. And did he really find Roman roads so +wonderfully exhilarating? Miss Mapp sincerely hoped that he did, and +that it was nothing else of less pure and innocent allurement that kept +him up.... As she closed the window very gently, it did just seem to her +that there had been something equally baffling in Major Flint's +egoistical vigils over his diaries; that she had wondered whether there +was not something else (she had hardly formulated what) which kept his +lights burning so late. But she would now cross him--dear man--and his +late habits, out of the list of riddles about Tilling which awaited +solution. Whatever it had been (diaries or what not) that used to keep +him up, he had broken the habit now, whereas Captain Puffin had not. She +took her poppy-bordered skirt over her arm, and smiled her thankful way +to bed. She could allow herself to wonder with a little more +definiteness, now that the Major's lights were out and he was abed, what +it could be which rendered Captain Puffin so oblivious to the passage of +time, when he was investigating Roman roads. How glad she was that the +Major was not with him.... "Benjamin Flint!" she said to herself as, +having put her window open, she trod softly (so as not to disturb the +slumberer next door) across her room on her fat white feet to her big +white bed. "Good-night, Major Benjy," she whispered, as she put her +light out. + + * * * * * + +It was not to be supposed that Diva would act on Miss Mapp's alarming +hints that morning as to the fate of coal-hoarders, and give, say, a +ton of fuel to the hospital at once, in lieu of her usual smaller +Christmas contribution, without making further inquiries in the proper +quarters as to the legal liabilities of having, so she ascertained, +three tons in her cellar, and as soon as her visitor had left her this +morning, she popped out to see Mr. Wootten, her coal-merchant. She +returned in a state of fury, for there were no regulations whatever in +existence with regard to the amount of coal that any householder might +choose to amass, and Mr. Wootten complimented her on her prudence in +having got in a reasonable supply, for he thought it quite probable +that, if the coal strike took place, there would be some difficulty in +month's time from now in replenishing cellars. "But we've had a good +supply all the summer," added agreeable Mr. Wootten, "and all my +customers have got their cellars well stocked." + +Diva rapidly recollected that the perfidious Elizabeth was among them. + +"O but, Mr. Wootten," she said, "Miss Mapp popped--dropped in to see me +just now. Told me she had hardly got any." + +Mr. Wootten turned up his ledger. It was not etiquette to disclose the +affairs of one client to another, but if there was a cantankerous +customer, one who was never satisfied with prices and quality, that +client was Miss Mapp.... He allowed a broad grin to overspread his +agreeable face. + +"Well, ma'am, if in a month's time I'm short of coal, there are friends +of yours in Tilling who can let you have plenty," he permitted himself +to say.... + +It was idle to attempt to cut out bunches of roses while her hand was so +feverish, and she trundled up and down the High Street to cool off. Had +she not been so prudent as to make inquiries, as likely as not she would +have sent a ton of coal that very day to the hospital, so strongly had +Elizabeth's perfidious warning inflamed her imagination as to the fate +of hoarders, and all the time Elizabeth's own cellars were glutted, +though she had asserted that she was almost fuelless. Why, she must have +in her possession more coal than Diva herself, since Mr. Wootten had +clearly implied that it was Elizabeth who could be borrowed from! And +all because of a wretched piece of rose-madder worsted.... + +By degrees she calmed down, for it was no use attempting to plan revenge +with a brain at fever-heat. She must be calm and icily ingenious. As the +cooling-process went on she began to wonder whether it was worsted alone +that had prompted her friend's diabolical suggestion. It seemed more +likely that another motive (one strangely Elizabethan) was the cause of +it. Elizabeth might be taken for certain as being a coal-hoarder +herself, and it was ever so like her to divert suspicion by pretending +her cellar was next to empty. She had been equally severe on any who +might happen to be hoarding food, in case transport was disarranged and +supplies fell short, and with a sudden flare of authentic intuition, +Diva's mind blazed with the conjecture that Elizabeth was hoarding food +as well. + +Luck ever attends the bold and constructive thinker: the apple, for +instance, fell from the tree precisely when Newton's mind was groping +after the law of gravity, and as Diva stepped into her grocer's to begin +her morning's shopping (for she had been occupied with roses ever since +breakfast) the attendant was at the telephone at the back of the shop. +He spoke in a lucid telephone-voice. + +"We've only two of the big tins of corned beef," he said; and there was +a pause, during which, to a psychic, Diva's ears might have seemed to +grow as pointed with attention as a satyr's. But she could only hear +little hollow quacks from the other end. + +"Tongue as well. Very good. I'll send them up at once," he added, and +came forward into the shop. + +"Good morning," said Diva. Her voice was tremulous with anxiety and +investigation. "Got any big tins of corned beef? The ones that contain +six pounds." + +"Very sorry, ma'am. We've only got two, and they've just been ordered." + +"A small pot of ginger then, please," said Diva recklessly. "Will you +send it round immediately?" + +"Yes, ma'am. The boy's just going out." + +That was luck. Diva hurried into the street, and was absorbed by the +headlines of the news outside the stationer's. This was a favourite +place for observation, for you appeared to be quite taken up by the +topics of the day, and kept an oblique eye on the true object of your +scrutiny.... She had not got to wait long, for almost immediately the +grocer's boy came out of the shop with a heavy basket on his arm, +delivered the small pot of ginger at her own door, and proceeded along +the street. He was, unfortunately, a popular and a conversational youth, +who had a great deal to say to his friends, and the period of waiting to +see if he would turn up the steep street that led to Miss Mapp's house +was very protracted. At the corner he deliberately put down the basket +altogether and lit a cigarette, and never had Diva so acutely deplored +the spread of the tobacco-habit among the juvenile population. + +Having refreshed himself he turned up the steep street. + +He passed the fishmonger's and the fruiterer's; he did not take the turn +down to the dentist's and Mr. Wyse's. He had no errand to the Major's +house or to the Captain's. Then, oh then, he rang the bell at Miss +Mapp's back door. All the time Diva had been following him, keeping her +head well down so as to avert the possibility of observation from the +window of the garden-room, and walking so slowly that the motion of her +feet seemed not circular at all.... Then the bell was answered, and he +delivered into Withers' hands one, two tins of corned beef and a round +ox-tongue. He put the basket on his head and came down the street again, +shrilly whistling. If Diva had had any reasonably small change in her +pocket, she would assuredly have given him some small share in it. +Lacking this, she trundled home with all speed, and began cutting out +roses with swift and certain strokes of the nail-scissors. + +Now she had already noticed that Elizabeth had paid visits to the +grocer's on three consecutive days (three consecutive days: think of +it!), and given that her purchases on other occasions had been on the +same substantial scale as to-day, it became a matter of thrilling +interest as to where she kept these stores. She could not keep them in +the coal cellar, for that was already bursting with coal, and Diva, who +had assisted her (the base one) in making a prodigious quantity of jam +that year from her well-stocked garden, was aware that the kitchen +cupboards were like to be as replete as the coal-cellar, before those +hoardings of dead oxen began. Then there was the big cupboard under the +stairs, but that could scarcely be the site of this prodigious cache, +for it was full of cardboard and curtains and carpets and all the +rubbishy accumulations which Elizabeth could not bear to part with. Then +she had large cupboards in her bedroom and spare rooms full to +overflowing of mouldy clothes, but there was positively not another +cupboard in the house that Diva knew of, and she crushed her temples in +her hands in the attempt to locate the hiding-place of the hoard. + +Diva suddenly jumped up with a happy squeal of discovery, and in her +excitement snapped her scissors with so random a stroke that she +completely cut in half the bunch of roses that she was engaged on. There +was another cupboard, the best and biggest of all and the most secret +and the most discreet. It lay embedded in the wall of the garden-room, +cloaked and concealed behind the shelves of a false book-case, which +contained no more than the simulacra of books, just books with titles +that had never yet appeared on any honest book. There were twelve +volumes of "The Beauties of Nature," a shelf full of "Elegant Extracts," +there were volumes simply called "Poems," there were "Commentaries," +there were "Travels" and "Astronomy" and the lowest and tallest shelf +was full of "Music." A card-table habitually stood in front of this +false repository of learning, and it was only last week that Diva, prying +casually round the room while Elizabeth had gone to take off her +gardening-gloves, had noticed a modest catch let into the wood-work. +Without doubt, then, the book-case was the door of the cupboard, and +with a stroke of intuition, too sure to be called a guess, Diva was +aware that she had correctly inferred the storage of this nefarious +hoard. It only remained to verify her conclusion, and, if possible, +expose it with every circumstance of public ignominy. She was in no +hurry: she could bide her time, aware that, in all probability, every +day that passed would see an addition to its damning contents. Some day, +when she was playing bridge and the card-table had been moved out, in +some rubber when she herself was dummy and Elizabeth greedily playing +the hand, she would secretly and accidentally press the catch which her +acute vision had so providentially revealed to her.... + +She attacked her chintz curtains again with her appetite for the pink +roses agreeably whetted. Another hour's work would give her sufficient +bunches for her purpose, and unless the dyer was as perfidious as +Elizabeth, her now purple jacket and skirt would arrive that afternoon. +Two days' hard work would be sufficient for so accomplished a +needlewoman as herself to make these original decorations. + +In the meantime, for Diva was never idle, and was chiefly occupied with +dress, she got out a certain American fashion paper. There was in it the +description of a tea-gown worn by Mrs. Titus W. Trout which she believed +was within her dressmaking capacity. She would attempt it, anyhow, and +if it proved to be beyond her, she could entrust the more difficult +parts to that little dressmaker whom Elizabeth employed, and who was +certainly very capable. But the costume was of so daring and splendid a +nature that she feared to take anyone into her confidence about it, lest +some hint or gossip--for Tilling was a gossipy place--might leak out. +Kingfisher blue! It made her mouth water to dwell on the sumptuous +syllables! + + * * * * * + +Miss Mapp was so feverishly occupied all next morning with the +application of poppies to the corn-coloured skirt that she paid very +little attention to the opening gambits of the day, either as regards +the world in general, or, more particularly, Major Benjy. After his +early retirement last night he was probably up with the lark this +morning, and when between half-past ten and eleven his sonorous +"Qui-hi!" sounded through her open window, the shock she experienced +interrupted for a moment her floral industry. It was certainly very odd +that, having gone to bed at so respectable an hour last night, he should +be calling for his porridge only now, but with an impulse of unusual +optimism, she figured him as having been at work on his diaries before +breakfast, and in that absorbing occupation having forgotten how late it +was growing. That, no doubt, was the explanation, though it would be +nice to know for certain, if the information positively forced itself on +her notice.... As she worked, (framing her lips with elaborate motions +to the syllables) she dumbly practised the phrase "Major Benjy." +Sometimes in moments of gallantry he called her "Miss Elizabeth," and +she meant, when she had got accustomed to it by practice, to say "Major +Benjy" to him by accident, and he would, no doubt, beg her to make a +habit of that friendly slip of the tongue.... "Tongue" led to a new +train of thought, and presently she paused in her work, and pulling the +card-table away from the deceptive book-case, she pressed the concealed +catch of the door, and peeped in. + +There was still room for further small precautions against starvation +owing to the impending coal-strike, and she took stock of her +provisions. Even if the strike lasted quite a long time, there would now +be no immediate lack of the necessaries of life, for the cupboard +glistened with tinned meats, and the flour-merchant had sent a very +sensible sack. This with considerable exertion she transferred to a high +shelf in the cupboard, instead of allowing it to remain standing on the +floor, for Withers had informed her of an unpleasant rumour about a +mouse, which Mary had observed, lost in thought in front of the +cupboard. "So mousie shall only find tins on the floor now," thought +Miss Mapp. "Mousie shall try his teeth on tins." ... There was tea and +coffee in abundance, jars of jam filled the kitchen shelves, and if this +morning she laid in a moderate supply of dried fruits, there was no +reason to face the future with anything but fortitude. She would see +about that now, for, busy though she was, she could not miss the +shopping-parade. Would Diva, she wondered, be at her window, snipping +roses out of chintz curtains? The careful, thrifty soul. Perhaps this +time to-morrow, Diva, looking out of her window, would see that somebody +else had been quicker about being thrifty than she. That would be fun! + +The Major's dining-room window was open, and as Miss Mapp passed it, she +could not help hearing loud, angry remarks about eggs coming from +inside. That made it clear that he was still at breakfast, and that if +he had been working at his diaries in the fresh morning hours and +forgetting the time, early rising, in spite of his early retirement last +night, could not be supposed to suit his Oriental temper. But a change +of habits was invariably known to be upsetting, and Miss Mapp was +hopeful that in a day or two he would feel quite a different man. +Further down the street was quaint Irene lounging at the door of her new +studio (a converted coach-house), smoking a cigarette and dressed like a +jockey. + +"Hullo, Mapp," she said. "Come and have a look round my new studio. You +haven't seen it yet. I shall give a house-warming next week. +Bridge-party!" + +Miss Mapp tried to steel herself for the hundredth time to appear quite +unconscious that she was being addressed when Irene said "Mapp" in that +odious manner. But she never could summon up sufficient nerve to be rude +to so awful a mimic.... + +"Good morning, dear one," she said sycophantically. "Shall I peep in for +a moment?" + +The decoration of the studio was even more appalling than might have +been expected. There was a German stove in the corner made of pink +porcelain, the rafters and roof were painted scarlet, the walls were of +magenta distemper and the floor was blue. In the corner was a very +large orange-coloured screen. The walls were hung with specimens of +Irene's art, there was a stout female with no clothes on at all, whom it +was impossible not to recognize as being Lucy; there were studies of fat +legs and ample bosoms, and on the easel was a picture, evidently in +process of completion, which represented a man. From this Miss Mapp +instantly averted her eyes. + +"Eve," said Irene, pointing to Lucy. + +Miss Mapp naturally guessed that the gentleman who was almost in the +same costume was Adam, and turned completely away from him. + +"And what a lovely idea to have a blue floor, dear," she said. "How +original you are. And that pretty scarlet ceiling. But don't you find +when you're painting that all these bright colours disturb you?" + +"Not a bit: they stimulate your sense of colour." + +Miss Mapp moved towards the screen. + +"What a delicious big screen," she said. + +"Yes, but don't go behind it, Mapp," said Irene, "or you'll see my model +undressing." + +Miss Mapp retreated from it precipitately, as from a wasp's nest, and +examined some of the studies on the wall, for it was more than probable +from the unfinished picture on the easel that Adam lurked behind the +delicious screen. Terrible though it all was, she was conscious of an +unbridled curiosity to know who Adam was. It was dreadful to think that +there could be any man in Tilling so depraved as to stand to be looked +at with so little on.... + +Irene strolled round the walls with her. + +"Studies of Lucy," she said. + +"I see, dear," said Miss Mapp. "How clever! Legs and things! But when +you have your bridge-party, won't you perhaps cover some of them up, or +turn them to the wall? We should all be looking at your pictures instead +of attending to our cards. And if you were thinking of asking the Padre, +you know...." + +They were approaching the corner of the room where the screen stood, +when a movement there as if Adam had hit it with his elbow made Miss +Mapp turn round. The screen fell flat on the ground and within a yard of +her stood Mr. Hopkins, the proprietor of the fish-shop just up the +street. Often and often had Miss Mapp had pleasant little conversations +with him, with a view to bringing down the price of flounders. He had +little bathing-drawers on.... + +"Hullo, Hopkins, are you ready?" said Irene. "You know Miss Mapp, don't +you?" + +Miss Mapp had not imagined that Time and Eternity combined could hold so +embarrassing a moment. She did not know where to look, but wherever she +looked, it should not be at Hopkins. But (wherever she looked) she could +not be unaware that Hopkins raised his large bare arm and touched the +place where his cap would have been, if he had had one. + +"Good-morning, Hopkins," she said. "Well, Irene darling, I must be +trotting, and leave you to your----" she hardly knew what to call +it--"to your work." + +She tripped from the room, which seemed to be entirely full of unclothed +limbs, and redder than one of Mr. Hopkins's boiled lobsters hurried down +the street. She felt that she could never face him again, but would be +obliged to go to the establishment in the High Street where Irene dealt, +when it was fish she wanted from a fish-shop.... Her head was in a whirl +at the brazenness of mankind, especially womankind. How had Irene +started the overtures that led to this? Had she just said to Hopkins +one morning: "Will you come to my studio and take off all your clothes?" +If Irene had not been such a wonderful mimic, she would certainly have +felt it her duty to go straight to the Padre, and, pulling down her +veil, confide to him the whole sad story. But as that was out of the +question, she went into Twenlow's and ordered four pounds of dried +apricots. + + + + +CHAPTER IV + + +The dyer, as Diva had feared, proved perfidious, and it was not till the +next morning that her maid brought her the parcel containing the coat +and skirt of the projected costume. Diva had already done her marketing, +so that she might have no other calls on her time to interfere with the +tacking on of the bunches of pink roses, and she hoped to have the dress +finished in time for Elizabeth's afternoon bridge-party next day, an +invitation to which had just reached her. She had also settled to have a +cold lunch to-day, so that her cook as well as her parlourmaid could +devote themselves to the job. + +She herself had taken the jacket for decoration, and was just tacking +the first rose on to the collar, when she looked out of the window, and +what she saw caused her needle to fall from her nerveless hand. Tripping +along the opposite pavement was Elizabeth. She had on a dress, the +material of which, after a moment's gaze, Diva identified: it was that +corn-coloured coat and skirt which she had worn so much last spring. But +the collar, the cuffs, the waistband and the hem of the skirt were +covered with staring red poppies. Next moment, she called to remembrance +the chintz that had once covered Elizabeth's sofa in the garden-room. + +Diva wasted no time, but rang the bell. She had to make certain. + +"Janet," she said, "go straight out into the High Street, and walk close +behind Miss Mapp. Look very carefully at her dress; see if the poppies +on it are of chintz." + +Janet's face fell. + +"Why, ma'am, she's never gone and----" she began. + +"Quick!" said Diva in a strangled voice. + +Diva watched from her window. Janet went out, looked this way and that, +spied the quarry, and skimmed up the High Street on feet that twinkled +as fast as her mistress's. She came back much out of breath with speed +and indignation. + +"Yes, ma'am," she said. "They're chintz sure enough. Tacked on, too, +just as you were meaning to do. Oh, ma'am----" + +Janet quite appreciated the magnitude of the calamity and her voice +failed. + +"What are we to do, ma'am?" she added. + +Diva did not reply for a moment, but sat with eyes closed in profound +and concentrated thought. It required no reflection to decide how +impossible it was to appear herself to-morrow in a dress which seemed to +ape the costume which all Tilling had seen Elizabeth wearing to-day, and +at first it looked as if there was nothing to be done with all those +laboriously acquired bunches of rosebuds; for it was clearly out of the +question to use them as the decoration for any costume, and idle to +think of sewing them back into the snipped and gashed curtains. She +looked at the purple skirt and coat that hungered for their flowers, and +then she looked at Janet. Janet was a short, roundabout person; it was +ill-naturedly supposed that she had much the same figure as her +mistress.... + +Then the light broke, dazzling and diabolical, and Diva bounced to her +feet, blinded by its splendour. + +"My coat and skirt are yours, Janet," she said. "Get with the work both +of you. Bustle. Cover it with roses. Have it finished to-night. Wear it +to-morrow. Wear it always." + +She gave a loud cackle of laughter and threaded her needle. + +"Lor, ma'am!" said Janet, admiringly. "That's a teaser! And thank you, +ma'am!" + +"It was roses, roses all the way." Diva had quite miscalculated the +number required, and there were sufficient not only to cover collar, +cuffs and border of the skirt with them but to make another line of them +six inches above the hem. Original and gorgeous as the dress would be, +it was yet a sort of parody of Elizabeth's costume which was attracting +so much interest and attention as she popped in and out of shops to-day. +To-morrow that would be worn by Janet, and Janet (or Diva was much +mistaken) should encourage her friends to get permission to use up old +bits of chintz. Very likely chintz decoration would become quite a vogue +among the servant maids of Tilling.... How Elizabeth had got hold of the +idea mattered nothing, but anyhow she would be surfeited with the idea +before Diva had finished with her. It was possible, of course (anything +was possible), that it had occurred to her independently, but Diva was +loath to give so innocent an ancestry to her adoption of it. It was far +more sensible to take for granted that she had got wind of Diva's +invention by some odious, underhand piece of spying. What that might be +must be investigated (and probably determined) later, but at present the +business of Janet's roses eclipsed every other interest. + +Miss Mapp's shopping that morning was unusually prolonged, for it was +important that every woman in Tilling should see the poppies on the +corn-coloured ground, and know that she had worn that dress before Diva +appeared in some mean adaptation of it. Though the total cost of her +entire purchases hardly amounted to a shilling, she went in and out of +an amazing number of shops, and made a prodigious series of inquiries +into the price of commodities that ranged from motor-cars to +sealing-wax, and often entered a shop twice because (wreathed in smiling +apologies for her stupidity) she had forgotten what she was told the +first time. By twelve o'clock she was satisfied that practically +everybody, with one exception, had seen her, and that her costume had +aroused a deep sense of jealousy and angry admiration. So cunning was +the handiwork of herself, Withers and Mary that she felt fairly sure +that no one had the slightest notion of how this decoration of poppies +was accomplished, for Evie had run round her in small mouse-like +circles, murmuring to herself: "Very effective idea; is it woven into +the cloth, Elizabeth? Dear me, I wonder where I could get some like it," +and Mrs. Poppit had followed her all up the street, with eyes glued to +the hem of her skirt, and a completely puzzled face: "but then," so +thought Elizabeth sweetly "even members of the Order of the British +Empire can't have everything their own way." As for the Major, he had +simply come to a dead stop when he bounced out of his house as she +passed, and said something very gallant and appropriate. Even the +absence of that one inhabitant of Tilling, dear Diva, did not strike a +jarring note in this paean of triumph, for Miss Mapp was quite satisfied +that Diva was busy indoors, working her fingers to the bone over the +application of bunches of roses, and, as usual, she was perfectly +correct in her conjecture. But dear Diva would have to see the new +frock to-morrow afternoon, at the latest, when she came to the +bridge-party. Perhaps she would then, for the first time, be wearing the +roses herself, and everybody would very pleasantly pity her. This was so +rapturous a thought, that when Miss Mapp, after her prolonged shopping +and with her almost empty basket, passed Mr. Hopkins standing outside +his shop on her return home again, she gave him her usual smile, though +without meeting his eye, and tried to forget how much of him she had +seen yesterday. Perhaps she might speak to him to-morrow and gradually +resume ordinary relations, for the prices at the other fish shop were as +high as the quality of the fish was low.... She told herself that there +was nothing actually immoral in the human skin, however embarrassing it +was. + + * * * * * + +Miss Mapp had experienced a cruel disappointment last night, though the +triumph of this morning had done something to soothe it, for Major +Benjy's window had certainly been lit up to a very late hour, and so it +was clear that he had not been able, twice in succession, to tear +himself away from his diaries, or whatever else detained him, and go to +bed at a proper time. Captain Puffin, however, had not sat up late; +indeed he must have gone to bed quite unusually early, for his window +was dark by half-past nine. To-night, again the position was reversed, +and it seemed that Major Benjy was "good" and Captain Puffin was "bad." +On the whole, then, there was cause for thankfulness, and as she added a +tin of biscuits and two jars of bovril to her prudent stores, she found +herself a conscious sceptic about those Roman roads. Diaries (perhaps) +were a little different, for egoism was a more potent force than +archaeology, and for her part she now definitely believed that Roman +roads spelt some form of drink. She was sorry to believe it, but it was +her duty to believe something of the kind, and she really did not know +what else to believe. She did not go so far as mentally to accuse him of +drunkenness, but considering the way he absorbed red-currant fool, it +was clear that he was no foe to alcohol and probably watered the Roman +roads with it. With her vivid imagination she pictured him---- + +Miss Mapp recalled herself from this melancholy reflection and put up +her hand just in time to save a bottle of bovril which she had put on +the top shelf in front of the sack of flour from tumbling to the ground. +With the latest additions she had made to her larder, it required +considerable ingenuity to fit all the tins and packages in, and for a +while she diverted her mind from Captain Puffin's drinking to her own +eating. But by careful packing and balancing she managed to stow +everything away with sufficient economy of space to allow her to shut +the door, and then put the card-table in place again. It was then late, +and with a fond look at her sweet flowers sleeping in the moonlight, she +went to bed. Captain Puffin's sitting-room was still alight, and even as +she deplored this, his shadow in profile crossed the blind. Shadows were +queer things--she could make a beautiful shadow-rabbit on the wall by a +dexterous interlacement of fingers and thumbs--and certainly this +shadow, in the momentary glance she had of it, appeared to have a large +moustache. She could make nothing whatever out of that, except to +suppose that just as fingers and thumbs became a rabbit, so his nose +became a moustache, for he could not have grown one since he came back +from golf.... + + * * * * * + +She was out early for her shopping next morning, for there were some +delicacies to be purchased for her bridge-party, more particularly some +little chocolate cakes she had lately discovered which looked very small +and innocent, were in reality of so cloying and substantial a nature, +that the partaker thereof would probably not feel capable of making any +serious inroads into other provisions. Naturally she was much on the +alert to-day, for it was more than possible that Diva's dress was +finished and in evidence. What colour it would be she did not know, but +a large quantity of rosebuds would, even at a distance, make +identification easy. Diva was certainly not at her window this morning, +so it seemed more than probable that they would soon meet. + +Far away, just crossing the High Street at the further end, she caught +sight of a bright patch of purple, very much of the required shape. +There was surely a pink border round the skirt and a pink panel on the +collar, and just as surely Mrs. Bartlett, recognizable for her gliding +mouse-like walk, was moving in its fascinating wake. Then the purple +patch vanished into a shop, and Miss Mapp, all smiles and poppies, went +with her basket up the street. Presently she encountered Evie, who, also +all smiles, seemed to have some communication to make, but only got as +far as "Have you seen"--when she gave a little squeal of laughter, quite +inexplicable, and glided into some dark entry. A minute afterwards, the +purple patch suddenly appeared from a shop and almost collided with her. +It was not Diva at all, but Diva's Janet. + +The shock was so indescribably severe that Miss Mapp's smile was frozen, +so to speak, as by some sudden congealment on to her face, and did not +thaw off it till she had reached the sharp turn at the end of the +street, where she leaned heavily on the railing and breathed through +her nose. A light autumnal mist overlay the miles of marsh, but the sun +was already drinking it up, promising the Tillingites another golden +day. The tidal river was at the flood, and the bright water lapped the +bases of the turf-covered banks that kept it within its course. Beyond +that was the tram-station towards which presently Major Benjy and +Captain Puffin would be hurrying to catch the tram that would take them +out to the golf links. The straight road across the marsh was visible, +and the railway bridge. All these things were pitilessly unchanged, and +Miss Mapp noted them blankly, until rage began to restore the numbed +current of her mental processes. + + * * * * * + +If the records of history contained any similar instance of such +treachery and low cunning as was involved in this plot of Diva's to +dress Janet in the rosebud chintz, Miss Mapp would have liked to be told +clearly and distinctly what it was. She could trace the workings of +Diva's base mind with absolute accuracy, and if all the archangels in +the hierarchy of heaven had assured her that Diva had originally +intended the rosebuds for Janet, she would have scorned them for their +clumsy perjury. Diva had designed and executed that dress for herself, +and just because Miss Mapp's ingenuity (inspired by the two rosebuds +that had fluttered out of the window) had forestalled her, she had taken +this fiendish revenge. It was impossible to pervade the High Street +covered with chintz poppies when a parlourmaid was being equally +pervasive in chintz rosebuds, and what was to be done with this frock +executed with such mirth and malice by Withers, Mary and herself she had +no idea. She might just as well give it Withers, for she could no longer +wear it herself, or tear the poppies from the hem and bestrew the High +Street with them.... Miss Mapp's face froze into immobility again, for +here, trundling swiftly towards her, was Diva herself. + +Diva appeared not to see her till she got quite close. + +"Morning, Elizabeth," she said. "Seen my Janet anywhere?" + +"No," said Miss Mapp. + +Janet (no doubt according to instructions received) popped out of a +shop, and came towards her mistress. + +"Here she is," said Diva. "All right, Janet. You go home. I'll see to +the other things." + +"It's a lovely day," said Miss Mapp, beginning to lash her tail. "So +bright." + +"Yes. Pretty trimming of poppies," said Diva. "Janet's got rosebuds." + +This was too much. + +"Diva, I didn't think it of you," said Miss Mapp in a shaking voice. +"You saw my new frock yesterday, and you were filled with malice and +envy, Diva, just because I had thought of using flowers off an old +chintz as well as you, and came out first with it. You had meant to wear +that purple frock yourself--though I must say it fits Janet +perfectly--and just because I was first in the field you did this. You +gave Janet that frock, so that I should be dressed in the same style as +your parlourmaid, and you've got a black heart, Diva!" + +"That's nonsense," said Diva firmly. "Heart's as red as anybody's, and +talking of black hearts doesn't become _you_, Elizabeth. You knew I was +cutting out roses from my curtains----" + +Miss Mapp laughed shrilly. + +"Well, if I happen to notice that you've taken your chintz curtains +down," she said with an awful distinctness that showed the wisdom-teeth +of which Diva had got three at the most, "and pink bunches of roses +come flying out of your window into the High Street, even my poor wits, +small as they are, are equal to drawing the conclusion that you are +cutting roses out of curtains. Your well-known fondness for dress did +the rest. With your permission, Diva, I intend to draw exactly what +conclusions I please on every occasion, including this one." + +"Ho! That's how you got the idea then," said Diva. "I knew you had +cribbed it from me." + +"Cribbed?" asked Miss Mapp, in ironical ignorance of what so vulgar and +slangy an expression meant. + +"Cribbed means taking what isn't yours," said Diva. "Even then, if you +had only acted in a straightforward manner----" + +Miss Mapp, shaken as with palsy, regretted that she had let slip, out of +pure childlike joy, in irony, the manner in which she had obtained the +poppy-notion, but in a quarrel regrets are useless, and she went on +again. + +"And would you very kindly explain how or when I have acted in a manner +that was not straightforward," she asked with laborious politeness. "Or +do I understand that a monopoly of cutting up chintz curtains for +personal adornment has been bestowed on you by Act of Parliament?" + +"You knew I was meaning to make a frock with chintz roses on it," said +Diva. "You stole my idea. Worked night and day to be first. Just like +you. Mean behaviour." + +"It was meaner to give that frock to Janet," said Miss Mapp. + +"You can give yours to Withers," snapped Diva. + +"Much obliged, Mrs. Plaistow," said Miss Mapp. + + * * * * * + +Diva had been watching Janet's retreating figure, and feeling that +though revenge was sweet, revenge was also strangely expensive, for she +had sacrificed one of the most strikingly successful frocks she had ever +made on that smoking altar. Now her revenge was gratified, and deeply +she regretted the frock. Miss Mapp's heart was similarly wrung by +torture: revenge too had been hers (general revenge on Diva for +existing), but this dreadful counter-stroke had made it quite impossible +for her to enjoy the use of this frock any more, for she could not habit +herself like a housemaid. Each, in fact, had, as matters at present +stood, completely wrecked the other, like two express trains meeting in +top-speed collision, and, since the quarrel had clearly risen to its +utmost height, there was no farther joy of battle to be anticipated, but +only the melancholy task of counting the corpses. So they paused, +breathing very quickly and trembling, while both sought for some way +out. Besides Miss Mapp had a bridge-party this afternoon, and if they +parted now in this extreme state of tension, Diva might conceivably not +come, thereby robbing herself of her bridge and spoiling her hostess's +table. Naturally any permanent quarrel was not contemplated by either of +them, for if quarrels were permanent in Tilling, nobody would be on +speaking terms any more with anyone else in a day or two, and (hardly +less disastrous) there could be no fresh quarrels with anybody, since +you could not quarrel without words. There might be songs without words, +as Mendelssohn had proved, but not rows without words. By what formula +could this deadly antagonism be bridged without delay? + +Diva gazed out over the marsh. She wanted desperately to regain her +rosebud-frock, and she knew that Elizabeth was starving for further +wearing of her poppies. Perhaps the wide, serene plain below inspired +her with a hatred of littleness. There would be no loss of dignity in +making a proposal that her enemy, she felt sure, would accept: it merely +showed a Christian spirit, and set an example to Elizabeth, to make the +first move. Janet she did not consider. + +"If you are in a fit state to listen to reason, Elizabeth," she began. + +Miss Mapp heaved a sigh of relief. Diva had thought of something. She +swallowed the insult at a gulp. + +"Yes, dear," she said. + +"Got an idea. Take away Janet's frock, and wear it myself. Then you can +wear yours. Too pretty for parlour-maids. Eh?" + +A heavenly brightness spread over Miss Mapp's face. + +"Oh, how wonderful of you to have thought of that, Diva," she said. "But +how shall we explain it all to everybody?" + +Diva clung to her rights. Though clearly Christian, she was human. + +"Say I thought of tacking chintz on and told you," she said. + +"Yes, darling," said Elizabeth. "That's beautiful, I agree. But poor +Janet!" + +"I'll give her some other old thing," said Diva. "Good sort, Janet. +Wants me to win." + +"And about her having been seen wearing it?" + +"Say she hasn't ever worn it. Say they're mad," said Diva. + +Miss Mapp felt it better to tear herself away before she began +distilling all sorts of acidities that welled up in her fruitful mind. +She could, for instance, easily have agreed that nothing was more +probable than that Janet had been mistaken for her mistress.... + +"Au reservoir then, dear," she said tenderly. "See you at about four? +And will you wear your pretty rosebud frock?" + +This was agreed to, and Diva went home to take it away from Janet. + + * * * * * + +The reconciliation of course was strictly confined to matters relating +to chintz and did not include such extraneous subjects as coal-strike or +food-hoarding, and even in the first glowing moments of restored +friendliness, Diva began wondering whether she would have the +opportunity that afternoon of testing the truth of her conjecture about +the cupboard in the garden-room. Cudgel her brains as she might she +could think of no other _cache_ that could contain the immense amount of +provisions that Elizabeth had probably accumulated, and she was all on +fire to get to practical grips with the problem. As far as tins of +corned beef and tongues went, Elizabeth might possibly have buried them +in her garden in the manner of a dog, but it was not likely that a +hoarder would limit herself to things in tins. No: there was a cupboard +somewhere ready to burst with strong supporting foods.... + +Diva intentionally arrived a full quarter of an hour on the hither side +of punctuality, and was taken by Withers out into the garden-room, where +tea was laid, and two card-tables were in readiness. She was, of course, +the first of the guests, and the moment Withers withdrew to tell her +mistress that she had come, Diva stealthily glided to the cupboard, from +in front of which the bridge-table had been removed, feeling the shrill +joy of some romantic treasure hunter. She found the catch, she pressed +it, she pulled open the door and the whole of the damning profusion of +provisions burst upon her delighted eyes. Shelf after shelf was crowded +with eatables; there were tins of corned beef and tongues (that she knew +already), there was a sack of flour, there were tubes of Bath Oliver +biscuits, bottles of bovril, the yield of a thousand condensed Swiss +cows, jars of prunes.... All these were in the front row, flush with the +door, and who knew to what depth the cupboard extended? Even as she +feasted her eyes on this incredible store, some package on the top shelf +wavered and toppled, and she had only just time to shut the door again, +in order to prevent it falling out on to the floor. But this +displacement prevented the door from wholly closing, and push and shove +as Diva might, she could not get the catch to click home, and the only +result of her energy and efforts was to give rise to a muffled explosion +from within, just precisely as if something made of cardboard had burst. +That mental image was so vivid that to her fevered imagination it seemed +to be real. This was followed by certain faint taps from within against +"Elegant Extracts" and "Astronomy." + +Diva grew very red in the face, and said "Drat it" under her breath. She +did not dare open the door again in order to push things back, for fear +of an uncontrollable stream of "things" pouring out. Some nicely +balanced equilibrium had clearly been upset in those capacious shelves, +and it was impossible to tell, without looking, how deep and how +extensive the disturbance was. And in order to look, she had to open the +bookcase again.... Luckily the pressure against the door was not +sufficiently heavy to cause it to swing wide, so the best she could do +was to leave it just ajar with temporary quiescence inside. +Simultaneously she heard Miss Mapp's step, and had no more than time to +trundle at the utmost speed of her whirling feet across to the window, +where she stood looking out, and appeared quite unconscious of her +hostess's entry. + +"Diva darling, how sweet of you to come so early!" she said. "A little +cosy chat before the others arrive." + +Diva turned round, much startled. + +"Hullo!" she said. "Didn't hear you. Got Janet's frock you see." + +("What makes Diva's face so red?" thought Miss Mapp.) + +"So I see, darling," she said. "Lovely rose-garden. How well it suits +you, dear! Did Janet mind?" + +"No. Promised her a new frock at Christmas." + +"That will be nice for Janet," said Elizabeth enthusiastically. "Shall +we pop into the garden, dear, till my guests come?" + +Diva was glad to pop into the garden and get away from the immediate +vicinity of the cupboard, for though she had planned and looked forward +to the exposure of Elizabeth's hoarding, she had not meant it to come, +as it now probably would, in crashes of tins and bursting of bovril +bottles. Again she had intended to have opened that door quite casually +and innocently while she was being dummy, so that everyone could see how +accidental the exposure was, and to have gone poking about the cupboard +in Elizabeth's absence was a shade too professional, so to speak, for +the usual detective work of Tilling. But the fuse was set now. Sooner or +later the explosion must come. She wondered as they went out to commune +with Elizabeth's sweet flowers till the other guests arrived how great a +torrent would be let loose. She did not repent her exploration--far from +it--but her pleasurable anticipations were strongly diluted with +suspense. + +Miss Mapp had found such difficulty in getting eight players together +to-day, that she had transgressed her principles and asked Mrs. Poppit +as well as Isabel, and they, with Diva, the two Bartletts, and the Major +and the Captain, formed the party. The moment Mrs. Poppit appeared, +Elizabeth hated her more than ever, for she put up her glasses, and +began to give her patronizing advice about her garden, which she had not +been allowed to see before. + +"You have quite a pretty little piece of garden, Miss Mapp," she said, +"though, to be sure, I fancied from what you said that it was more +extensive. Dear me, your roses do not seem to be doing very well. +Probably they are old plants and want renewing. You must send your +gardener round--you keep a gardener?--and I will let you have a dozen +vigorous young bushes." + +Miss Mapp licked her dry lips. She kept a kind of gardener: two days a +week. + +"Too good of you," she said, "but that rose-bed is quite sacred, dear +Mrs. Poppit. Not all the vigorous young bushes in the world would tempt +me. It's my 'Friendship's Border:' some dear friend gave me each of my +rose-trees." + +Mrs. Poppit transferred her gaze to the wistaria that grew over the +steps up to the garden-room. Some of the dear friends she thought must +be centenarians. + +"Your wistaria wants pruning sadly," she said. "Your gardener does not +understand wistarias. That corner there was made, I may say, for +fuchsias. You should get a dozen choice fuchsias." + +Miss Mapp laughed. + +"Oh, you must excuse me," she said with a glance at Mrs. Poppit's +brocaded silk. "I can't bear fuchsias. They always remind me of +over-dressed women. Ah, there's Mr. Bartlett. How de do, Padre. And dear +Evie!" + +Dear Evie appeared fascinated by Diva's dress. + +"Such beautiful rosebuds," she murmured, "and what lovely shade of +purple. And Elizabeth's poppies too, quite a pair of you. But surely +this morning, Diva, didn't I see your good Janet in just such another +dress, and I thought at the time how odd it was that----" + +"If you saw Janet this morning," said Diva quite firmly, "you saw her in +her print dress." + +"And here's Major Benjy," said Miss Mapp, who had made her slip about +his Christian name yesterday, and had been duly entreated to continue +slipping. "And Captain Puffin. Well, that is nice! Shall we go into my +little garden shed, dear Mrs. Poppit, and have our tea?" + +Major Flint was still a little lame, for his golf to-day had been of the +nature of gardening, and he hobbled up the steps behind the ladies, with +that little cock-sparrow sailor following him and telling the Padre how +badly and yet how successfully he himself had played. + +"Pleasantest room in Tilling, I always say, Miss Elizabeth," said he, +diverting his mind from a mere game to the fairies. + +"My dear little room," said Miss Mapp, knowing that it was much larger +than anything in Mrs. Poppit's house. "So tiny!" + +"Oh, not a bad-sized little room," said Mrs. Poppit encouragingly. "Much +the same proportions, on a very small scale, as the throne-room at +Buckingham Palace." + +"That beautiful throne-room!" exclaimed Miss Mapp. "A cup of tea, dear +Mrs. Poppit? None of that naughty red-currant fool, I am afraid. And a +little chocolate-cake?" + +These substantial chocolate cakes soon did their fell work of producing +the sense of surfeit, and presently Elizabeth's guests dropped off +gorged from the tea-table. Diva fortunately remembered their consistency +in time, and nearly cleared a plate of jumbles instead, which the +hostess had hoped would form a pleasant accompaniment to her dessert at +her supper this evening, and was still crashingly engaged on them when +the general drifting movement towards the two bridge-tables set in. Mrs. +Poppit, with her glasses up, followed by Isabel, was employed in making +a tour of the room, in case, as Miss Mapp had already determined, she +never saw it again, examining the quality of the carpet, the curtains, +the chair-backs with the air of a doubtful purchaser. + +"And quite a quantity of books, I see," she announced as she came +opposite the fatal cupboard. "Look, Isabel, what a quantity of books. +There is something strange about them, though; I do not believe they are +real." + +She put out her hand and pulled at the back of one of the volumes of +"Elegant Extracts." The door swung open, and from behind it came a noise +of rattling, bumping and clattering. Something soft and heavy thumped on +to the floor, and a cloud of floury dust arose. A bottle of bovril +embedded itself quietly there without damage, and a tin of Bath Oliver +biscuits beat a fierce tattoo on one of corned beef. Innumerable dried +apricots from the burst package flew about like shrapnel, and tapped at +the tins. A jar of prunes, breaking its fall on the flour, rolled +merrily out into the middle of the floor. + +The din was succeeded by complete silence. The Padre had said "What ho, +i' fegs?" during the tumult, but his voice had been drowned by the +rattling of the dried apricots. The Member of the Order of the British +Empire stepped free of the provisions that bumped round her, and +examined them through her glasses. Diva crammed the last jumble into +her mouth and disposed of it with the utmost rapidity. The birthday of +her life had come, as Miss Rossetti said. + +"Dear Elizabeth!" she exclaimed. "What a disaster! All your little +stores in case of the coal strike. Let me help to pick them up. I do not +think anything is broken. Isn't that lucky?" + +Evie hurried to the spot. + +"Such a quantity of good things," she said rapidly under her breath. +"Tinned meats and bovril and prunes, and ever so many apricots. Let me +pick them all up, and with a little dusting.... Why, what a big +cupboard, and such a quantity of good things." + +Miss Mapp had certainly struck a streak of embarrassments. What with +naked Mr. Hopkins, and Janet's frock and this unveiling of her hoard, +life seemed at the moment really to consist of nothing else than beastly +situations. How on earth that catch of the door had come undone, she had +no idea, but much as she would have liked to suspect foul play from +somebody, she was bound to conclude that Mrs. Poppit with her prying +hands had accidentally pressed it. It was like Diva, of course, to break +the silence with odious allusions to hoarding, and bitterly she wished +that she had not started the topic the other day, but had been content +to lay in her stores without so pointedly affirming that she was doing +nothing of the kind. But this was no time for vain laments, and +restraining a natural impulse to scratch and beat Mrs. Poppit, she +exhibited an admirable inventiveness and composure. Though she knew it +would deceive nobody, everybody had to pretend he was deceived. + +"Oh, my poor little Christmas presents for your needy parishioners, +Padre," she said. "You've seen them before you were meant to, and you +must forget all about them. And so little harm done, just an apricot or +two. Withers will pick them all up, so let us get to our bridge." + +Withers entered the room at this moment to clear away tea, and Miss Mapp +explained it all over again. + +"All our little Christmas presents have come tumbling out, Withers," she +said. "Will you put as many as you can back in the cupboard and take the +rest indoors? Don't tread on the apricots." + +It was difficult to avoid doing this, as the apricots were everywhere, +and their colour on the brown carpet was wonderfully protective. Miss +Mapp herself had already stepped on two, and their adhesive stickiness +was hard to get rid of. In fact, for the next few minutes the +coal-shovel was in strong request for their removal from the soles of +shoes, and the fender was littered with their squashed remains.... The +party generally was distinctly thoughtful as it sorted itself out into +two tables, for every single member of it was trying to assimilate the +amazing proposition that Miss Mapp had, half-way through September, +loaded her cupboard with Christmas presents on a scale that staggered +belief. The feat required thought: it required a faith so childlike as +to verge on the imbecile. Conversation during deals had an awkward +tendency towards discussion of the coal strike. As often as it drifted +there the subject was changed very abruptly, just as if there was some +occult reason for not speaking of so natural a topic. It concerned +everybody, but it was rightly felt to concern Miss Mapp the most.... + + + + +CHAPTER V + + +It was the Major's turn to entertain his friend, and by half-past nine, +on a certain squally October evening, he and Puffin were seated by the +fire in the diary-room, while the rain volleyed at the windows and +occasional puffs of stinging smoke were driven down the chimney by the +gale that squealed and buffeted round the house. Puffin, by way of +keeping up the comedy of Roman roads, had brought a map of the district +across from his house, but the more essential part of his equipment for +this studious evening was a bottle of whisky. Originally the host had +provided whisky for himself and his guest at these pleasant chats, but +there were undeniable objections to this plan, because the guest always +proved unusually thirsty, which tempted his host to keep pace with him, +while if they both drank at their own expense, the causes of economy and +abstemiousness had a better chance. Also, while the Major took his +drinks short and strong in a small tumbler, Puffin enriched his with +lemons and sugar in a large one, so that nobody could really tell if +equality as well as fraternity was realized. But if each brought his own +bottle.... + +It had been a trying day, and the Major was very lame. A drenching storm +had come up during their golf, while they were far from the club-house, +and Puffin, being three up, had very naturally refused to accede to his +opponent's suggestion to call the match off. He was perfectly willing to +be paid his half-crown and go home, but Major Flint, remembering that +Puffin's game usually went to pieces if it rained, had rejected this +proposal with the scorn that it deserved. There had been other +disagreeable incidents as well. His driver, slippery from rain, had +flown out of the Major's hands on the twelfth tee, and had "shot like a +streamer of the northern morn," and landed in a pool of brackish water +left by an unusually high tide. The ball had gone into another pool +nearer the tee. The ground was greasy with moisture, and three holes +further on Puffin had fallen flat on his face instead of lashing his +fifth shot home on to the green, as he had intended. They had given each +other stimies, and each had holed his opponent's ball by mistake; they +had wrangled over the correct procedure if you lay in a rabbit-scrape or +on the tram lines; the Major had lost a new ball; there was a mushroom +on one of the greens between Puffin's ball and the hole.... All these +untoward incidents had come crowding in together, and from the Major's +point of view, the worst of them all had been the collective incident +that Puffin, so far from being put off by the rain, had, in spite of +mushroom and falling down, played with a steadiness of which he was +usually quite incapable. Consequently Major Flint was lame and his wound +troubled him, while Puffin, in spite of his obvious reasons for +complacency, was growing irritated with his companion's ill-temper, and +was half blinded by wood-smoke. + +He wiped his streaming eyes. + +"You should get your chimney swept," he observed. + +Major Flint had put his handkerchief over his face to keep the +wood-smoke out of his eyes. He blew it off with a loud, indignant puff. + +"Oh! Ah! Indeed!" he said. + +Puffin was rather taken aback by the violence of these interjections; +they dripped with angry sarcasm. + +"Oh, well! No offence," he said. + +"A man," said the Major impersonally, "makes an offensive remark, and +says 'No offence.' If your own fireside suits you better than mine, +Captain Puffin, all I can say is that you're at liberty to enjoy it!" + +This was all rather irregular: they had indulged in a good stiff breeze +this afternoon, and it was too early to ruffle the calm again. Puffin +plucked and proffered an olive-branch. + +"There's your handkerchief," he said, picking it up. "Now let's have one +of our comfortable talks. Hot glass of grog and a chat over the fire: +that's the best thing after such a wetting as we got this afternoon. +I'll take a slice of lemon, if you'll be so good as to give it me, and a +lump of sugar." + +The Major got up and limped to his cupboard. It struck him precisely at +that moment that Puffin scored considerably over lemons and sugar, +because he was supplied with them gratis every other night; whereas he +himself, when Puffin's guest, took nothing off his host but hot water. +He determined to ask for some biscuits, anyhow, to-morrow.... + +"I hardly know whether there's a lemon left," he grumbled. "I must lay +in a store of lemons. As for sugar----" + +Puffin chose to disregard this suggestion. + +"Amusing incident the other day," he said brightly, "when Miss Mapp's +cupboard door flew open. The old lady didn't like it. Don't suppose the +poor of the parish will see much of that corned beef." + +The Major became dignified. + +"Pardon me," he said. "When an esteemed friend like Miss Elizabeth tells +me that certain provisions are destined for the poor of the parish, I +take it that her statement is correct. I expect others of my friends, +while they are in my presence, to do the same. I have the honour to give +you a lemon, Captain Puffin, and a slice of sugar. I should say a lump +of sugar. Pray make yourself comfortable." + +This dignified and lofty mood was often one of the after-effects of an +unsuccessful game of golf. It generally yielded quite quickly to a +little stimulant. Puffin filled his glass from the bottle and the +kettle, while his friend put his handkerchief again over his face. + +"Well, I shall just have my grog before I turn in," he observed, +according to custom. "Aren't you going to join me, Major?" + +"Presently, sir," said the Major. + +Puffin knocked out the consumed cinders in his pipe against the edge of +the fender. Major Flint apparently was waiting for this, for he withdrew +his handkerchief and closely watched the process. A minute piece of ash +fell from Puffin's pipe on to the hearthrug, and he jumped to his feet +and removed it very carefully with the shovel. + +"I have your permission, I hope?" he said witheringly. + +"Certainly, certainly," said Puffin. "Now get your glass, Major. You'll +feel better in a minute or two." + +Major Flint would have liked to have kept up this magnificent attitude, +but the smell of Puffin's steaming glass beat dignity down, and after +glaring at him, he limped back to the cupboard for his whisky bottle. He +gave a lamentable cry when he beheld it. + +"But I got that bottle in only the day before yesterday," he shouted, +"and there's hardly a drink left in it." + +"Well, you did yourself pretty well last night," said Puffin. "Those +small glasses of yours, if frequently filled up, empty a bottle quicker +than you seem to realize." + +Motives of policy prevented the Major from receiving this with the +resentment that was proper to it, and his face cleared. He would get +quits over these incessant lemons and lumps of sugar. + +"Well, you'll have to let me borrow from you to-night," he said +genially, as he poured the rest of the contents of his bottle into the +glass. "Ah, that's more the ticket! A glass of whisky a day keeps the +doctor away." + +The prospect of sponging on Puffin was most exhilarating, and he put his +large slippered feet on to the fender. + +"Yes, indeed, that was a highly amusing incident about Miss Mapp's +cupboard," he said. "And wasn't Mrs. Plaistow down on her like a knife +about it? Our fair friends, you know, have a pretty sharp eye for each +other's little failings. They've no sooner finished one squabble than +they begin another, the pert little fairies. They can't sit and enjoy +themselves like two old cronies I could tell you of, and feel at peace +with all the world." + +He finished his glass at a gulp, and seemed much surprised to find it +empty. + +"I'll be borrowing a drop from you, old friend," he said. + +"Help yourself, Major," said Puffin, with a keen eye as to how much he +took. + +"Very obliging of you. I feel as if I caught a bit of a chill this +afternoon. My wound." + +"Be careful not to inflame it," said Puffin. + +"Thank ye for the warning. It's this beastly climate that touches it up. +A winter in England adds years on to a man's life unless he takes care +of himself. Take care of yourself, old boy. Have some more sugar." + +Before long the Major's hand was moving slowly and instinctively towards +Puffin's whisky bottle again. + +"I reckon that big glass of yours, Puffin," he said, "holds between +three and a half times to four times what my little tumbler holds. +Between three and a half and four I should reckon. I may be wrong." + +"Reckoning the water in, I daresay you're not far out, Major," said he. +"And according to my estimate you mix your drink somewhere about three +and a half times to four stronger than I mix mine." + +"Oh, come, come!" said the Major. + +"Three and a half to four times, _I_ should say," repeated Puffin. "You +won't find I'm far out." + +He replenished his big tumbler, and instead of putting the bottle back +on the table, absently deposited it on the floor on the far side of his +chair. This second tumbler usually marked the most convivial period of +the evening, for the first would have healed whatever unhappy discords +had marred the harmony of the day, and, those being disposed of, they +very contentedly talked through their hats about past prowesses, and +took a rosy view of the youth and energy which still beat in their +vigorous pulses. They would begin, perhaps, by extolling each other: +Puffin, when informed that his friend would be fifty-four next birthday, +flatly refused (without offence) to believe it, and, indeed, he was +quite right in so doing, because the Major was in reality fifty-six. In +turn, Major Flint would say that his friend had the figure of a boy of +twenty, which caused Puffin presently to feel a little cramped and to +wander negligently in front of the big looking-glass between the +windows, and find this compliment much easier to swallow than the +Major's age. For the next half-hour they would chiefly talk about +themselves in a pleasant glow of self-satisfaction. Major Flint, looking +at the various implements and trophies that adorned the room, would +suggest putting a sporting challenge in the _Times_. + +"'Pon my word, Puffin," he would say, "I've half a mind to do it. +Retired Major of His Majesty's Forces--the King, God bless him!" (and he +took a substantial sip); "'Retired Major, aged fifty-four, challenges +any gentleman of fifty years or over.'" + +"Forty," said Puffin sycophantically, as he thought over what he would +say about himself when the old man had finished. + +"Well, we'll halve it, we'll say forty-five, to please you, +Puffin--let's see, where had I got to?--'Retired Major challenges any +gentleman of forty-five years or over to--to a shooting match in the +morning, followed by half a dozen rounds with four-ounce gloves, a game +of golf, eighteen holes, in the afternoon, and a billiard match of two +hundred up after tea.' Ha! ha! I shouldn't feel much anxiety as to the +result." + +"My confounded leg!" said Puffin. "But I know a retired captain from His +Majesty's merchant service--the King, God bless him!--aged fifty----" + +"Ho! ho! Fifty, indeed!" said the Major, thinking to himself that a +dried-up little man like Puffin might be as old as an Egyptian mummy. +Who can tell the age of a kipper?... + +"Not a day less, Major. 'Retired Captain, aged fifty, who'll take on all +comers of forty-two and over, at a steeplechase, round of golf, billiard +match, hopping match, gymnastic competition, swinging Indian clubs----' +No objection, gentlemen? Then carried _nem. con._" + +This gaseous mood, athletic, amatory or otherwise (the amatory ones were +the worst), usually faded slowly, like the light from the setting sun or +an exhausted coal in the grate, about the end of Puffin's second +tumbler, and the gentlemen after that were usually somnolent, but +occasionally laid the foundation for some disagreement next day, which +they were too sleepy to go into now. Major Flint by this time would have +had some five small glasses of whisky (equivalent, as he bitterly +observed, to one in pre-war days), and as he measured his next with +extreme care and a slightly jerky movement, would announce it as being +his night-cap, though you would have thought he had plenty of night-caps +on already. Puffin correspondingly took a thimbleful more (the thimble +apparently belonging to some housewife of Anak), and after another +half-hour of sudden single snores and startings awake again, of pipes +frequently lit and immediately going out, the guest, still perfectly +capable of coherent speech and voluntary motion in the required +direction, would stumble across the dark cobbles to his house, and doors +would be very carefully closed for fear of attracting the attention of +the lady who at this period of the evening was usually known as "Old +Mappy." The two were perfectly well aware of the sympathetic interest +that Old Mappy took in all that concerned them, and that she had an eye +on their evening seances was evidenced by the frequency with which the +corner of her blind in the window of the garden-room was raised between, +say, half-past nine and eleven at night. They had often watched with +giggles the pencil of light that escaped, obscured at the lower end by +the outline of Old Mappy's head, and occasionally drank to the "Guardian +Angel." Guardian Angel, in answer to direct inquiries, had been told by +Major Benjy during the last month that he worked at his diaries on three +nights in the week and went to bed early on the others, to the vast +improvement of his mental grasp. + +"And on Sunday night, dear Major Benjy?" asked Old Mappy in the +character of Guardian Angel. + +"I don't think you knew my beloved, my revered mother, Miss Elizabeth," +said Major Benjy. "I spend Sunday evening as---- Well, well." + +The very next Sunday evening Guardian Angel had heard the sound of +singing. She could not catch the words, and only fragments of the tune, +which reminded her of "The roseate morn hath passed away." Brimming with +emotion, she sang it softly to herself as she undressed, and blamed +herself very much for ever having thought that dear Major Benjy---- She +peeped out of her window when she had extinguished her light, but +fortunately the singing had ceased. + + * * * * * + +To-night, however, the epoch of Puffin's second big tumbler was not +accompanied by harmonious developments. Major Benjy was determined to +make the most of this unique opportunity of drinking his friend's +whisky, and whether Puffin put the bottle on the further side of him, or +under his chair, or under the table, he came padding round in his +slippers and standing near the ambush while he tried to interest his +friend in tales of love or tiger-shooting so as to distract his +attention. When he mistakenly thought he had done so, he hastily +refilled his glass, taking unusually stiff doses for fear of not getting +another opportunity, and altogether omitting to ask Puffin's leave for +these maraudings. When this had happened four or five times, Puffin, +acting on the instinct of the polar bear who eats her babies for fear +that anybody else should get them, surreptitiously poured the rest of +his bottle into his glass, and filled it up to the top with hot water, +making a mixture of extraordinary power. + +Soon after this Major Flint came rambling round the table again. He was +not sure whether Puffin had put the bottle by his chair or behind the +coal-scuttle, and was quite ignorant of the fact that wherever it was, +it was empty. Amorous reminiscences to-night had been the accompaniment +to Puffin's second tumbler. + +"Devilish fine woman she was," he said, "and that was the last that +Benjamin Flint ever saw of her. She went up to the hills next +morning----" + +"But the last you saw of her just now was on the deck of the P. and O. +at Bombay," objected Puffin. "Or did she go up to the hills on the deck +of the P. and O.? Wonderful line!" + +"No, sir," said Benjamin Flint, "that was Helen, _la belle Helene_. It +was _la belle Helene_ whom I saw off at the Apollo Bunder. I don't know +if I told you-- By Gad, I've kicked the bottle over. No idea you'd put it +there. Hope the cork's in." + +"No harm if it isn't," said Puffin, beginning on his third most fiery +glass. The strength of it rather astonished him. + +"You don't mean to say it's empty?" asked Major Flint. "Why just now +there was close on a quarter of a bottle left." + +"As much as that?" asked Puffin. "Glad to hear it." + +"Not a drop less. You don't mean to say---- Well, if you can drink that and +can say hippopotamus afterwards, I should put that among your +challenges, to men of four hundred and two: I should say forty-two. It's +a fine thing to have a strong head, though if I drank what you've got in +your glass, I should be tipsy, sir." + +Puffin laughed in his irritating falsetto manner. + +"Good thing that it's in my glass then, and not your glass," he said. +"And lemme tell you, Major, in case you don't know it, that when I've +drunk every drop of this and sucked the lemon, you'll have had far more +out of my bottle this evening than I have. My usual twice and--and my +usual night-cap, as you say, is what's my ration, and I've had no more +than my ration. Eight Bells." + +"And a pretty good ration you've got there," said the baffled Major. +"Without your usual twice." + +Puffin was beginning to be aware of that as he swallowed the fiery +mixture, but nothing in the world would now have prevented his drinking +every single drop of it. It was clear to him, among so much that was dim +owing to the wood-smoke, that the Major would miss a good many drives +to-morrow morning. + +"And whose whisky is it?" he said, gulping down the fiery stuff. + +"I know whose it's going to be," said the other. + +"And I know whose it is now," retorted Puffin, "and I know whose whisky +it is that's filled you up ti' as a drum. Tight as a drum," he repeated +very carefully. + +Major Flint was conscious of an unusual activity of brain, and, when he +spoke, of a sort of congestion and entanglement of words. It pleased him +to think that he had drunk so much of somebody's else whisky, but he +felt that he ought to be angry. + +"That's a very unmentionable sor' of thing to say," he remarked. "An' if +it wasn't for the sacred claims of hospitality, I'd make you explain +just what you mean by that, and make you eat your words. Pologize, in +fact." + +Puffin finished his glass at a gulp, and rose to his feet. + +"Pologies be blowed," he said. "Hittopopamus!" + +"And were you addressing that to me?" asked Major Flint with deadly +calm. + +"Of course, I was. Hippot---- same animal as before. Pleasant old boy. +And as for the lemon you lent me, well, I don't want it any more. Have a +suck at it, ole fellow! I don't want it any more." + +The Major turned purple in the face, made a course for the door like a +knight's move at chess (a long step in one direction and a short one at +right angles to the first) and opened it. The door thus served as an +aperture from the room and a support to himself. He spoke no word of any +sort or kind: his silence spoke for him in a far more dignified manner +than he could have managed for himself. + +Captain Puffin stood for a moment wreathed in smiles, and fingering the +slice of lemon, which he had meant playfully to throw at his friend. But +his smile faded, and by some sort of telepathic perception he realized +how much more decorous it was to say (or, better, to indicate) +good-night in a dignified manner than to throw lemons about. He walked +in dots and dashes like a Morse code out of the room, bestowing a naval +salute on the Major as he passed. The latter returned it with a military +salute and a suppressed hiccup. Not a word passed. + +Then Captain Puffin found his hat and coat without much difficulty, and +marched out of the house, slamming the door behind him with a bang that +echoed down the street and made Miss Mapp dream about a thunderstorm. He +let himself into his own house, and bent down before his expired fire, +which he tried to blow into life again. This was unsuccessful, and he +breathed in a quantity of wood-ash. + +He sat down by his table and began to think things out. He told himself +that he was not drunk at all, but that he had taken an unusual quantity +of whisky, which seemed to produce much the same effect as intoxication. +Allowing for that, he was conscious that he was extremely angry about +something, and had a firm idea that the Major was very angry too. + +"But woz'it all been about?" he vainly asked himself. "Woz'it all been +about?" + +He was roused from his puzzling over this unanswerable conundrum by the +clink of the flap in his letter-box. Either this was the first post in +the morning, in which case it was much later than he thought, and +wonderfully dark still, or it was the last post at night, in which case +it was much earlier than he thought. But, whichever it was, a letter had +been slipped into his box, and he brought it in. The gum on the envelope +was still wet, which saved trouble in opening it. Inside was a half +sheet containing but a few words. This curt epistle ran as follows: + + "SIR, + + "My seconds will wait on you in the course of to-morrow morning. + + "Your faithful obedient servant, + + "BENJAMIN FLINT. + + Captain Puffin." + +Puffin felt as calm as a tropic night, and as courageous as a captain. +Somewhere below his courage and his calm was an appalling sense of +misgiving. That he successfully stifled. + +"Very proper," he said aloud. "Qui' proper. Insults. Blood. Seconds +won't have to wait a second. Better get a good sleep." + +He went up to his room, fell on to his bed and instantly began to snore. + + * * * * * + +It was still dark when he awoke, but the square of his window was +visible against the blackness, and he concluded that though it was not +morning yet, it was getting on for morning, which seemed a pity. As he +turned over on to his side his hand came in contact with his coat, +instead of a sheet, and he became aware that he had all his clothes on. +Then, as with a crash of cymbals and the beating of a drum in his brain, +the events of the evening before leaped into reality and significance. +In a few hours now arrangements would have been made for a deadly +encounter. His anger was gone, his whisky was gone, and in particular +his courage was gone. He expressed all this compendiously by moaning +"Oh, God!" + +He struggled to a sitting position, and lit a match at which he kindled +his candle. He looked for his watch beside it, but it was not there. +What could have happened--then he remembered that it was in its +accustomed place in his waistcoat pocket. A consultation of it followed +by holding it to his ear only revealed the fact that it had stopped at +half-past five. With the lucidity that was growing brighter in his +brain, he concluded that this stoppage was due to the fact that he had +not wound it up.... It was after half-past five then, but how much later +only the Lords of Time knew--Time which bordered so closely on Eternity. + +He felt that he had no use whatever for Eternity but that he must not +waste Time. Just now, that was far more precious. + + * * * * * + +From somewhere in the Cosmic Consciousness there came to him a thought, +namely, that the first train to London started at half-past six in the +morning. It was a slow train, but it got there, and in any case it went +away from Tilling. He did not trouble to consider how that thought came +to him: the important point was that it had come. Coupled with that was +the knowledge that it was now an undiscoverable number of minutes after +half-past five. + +There was a Gladstone bag under his bed. He had brought it back from the +Club-house only yesterday, after that game of golf which had been so +full of disturbances and wet stockings, but which now wore the +shimmering security of peaceful, tranquil days long past. How little, so +he thought to himself, as he began swiftly storing shirts, ties, collars +and other useful things into his bag, had he appreciated the sweet +amenities of life, its pleasant conversations and companionships, its +topped drives, and mushrooms and incalculable incidents. Now they wore a +glamour and a preciousness that was bound up with life itself. He +starved for more of them, not knowing while they were his how sweet they +were. + +The house was not yet astir, when ten minutes later he came downstairs +with his bag. He left on his sitting-room table, where it would catch +the eye of his housemaid, a sheet of paper on which he wrote "Called +away" (he shuddered as he traced the words). "Forward no letters. Will +communicate...." (Somehow the telegraphic form seemed best to suit the +urgency of the situation.) Then very quietly he let himself out of his +house. + +He could not help casting an apprehensive glance at the windows of his +quondam friend and prospective murderer. To his horror he observed that +there was a light behind the blind of the Major's bedroom, and pictured +him writing to his seconds--he wondered who the "seconds" were going to +be--or polishing up his pistols. All the rumours and hints of the +Major's duels and affairs of honour, which he had rather scorned before, +not wholly believing them, poured like a red torrent into his mind, and +he found that now he believed them with a passionate sincerity. Why had +he ever attempted (and with such small success) to call this fire-eater +a hippopotamus? + +The gale of the night before had abated, and thick chilly rain was +falling from a sullen sky as he tiptoed down the hill. Once round the +corner and out of sight of the duellist's house, he broke into a limping +run, which was accelerated by the sound of an engine-whistle from the +station. It was mental suspense of the most agonizing kind not to know +how long it was after his watch had stopped that he had awoke, and the +sound of that whistle, followed by several short puffs of steam, might +prove to be the six-thirty bearing away to London, on business or +pleasure, its secure and careless pilgrims. Splashing through puddles, +lopsidedly weighted by his bag, with his mackintosh flapping against his +legs, he gained the sanctuary of the waiting-room and booking-office, +which was lighted by a dim expiring lamp, and scrutinized the face of +the murky clock.... + +With a sob of relief he saw that he was in time. He was, indeed, in +exceptionally good time, for he had a quarter of an hour to wait. An +anxious internal debate followed as to whether or not he should take a +return ticket. Optimism, that is to say, the hope that he would return +to Tilling in peace and safety before the six months for which the +ticket was available inclined him to the larger expense, but in these +disquieting circumstances, it was difficult to be optimistic and he +purchased a first-class single, for on such a morning, and on such a +journey, he must get what comfort he could from looking-glasses, padded +seats and coloured photographs of places of interest on the line. He +formed no vision at all of the future: that was a dark well into which +it was dangerous to peer. There was no bright speck in its unplumbable +depths: unless Major Flint died suddenly without revealing the +challenge he had sent last night, and the promptitude with which its +recipient had disappeared rather than face his pistol, he could not +frame any grouping of events which would make it possible for him to +come back to Tilling again, for he would either have to fight (and this +he was quite determined not to do) or be pointed at by the finger of +scorn as the man who had refused to do so, and this was nearly as +unthinkable as the other. Bitterly he blamed himself for having made a +friend (and worse than that, an enemy) of one so obsolete and +old-fashioned as to bring duelling into modern life.... As far as he +could be glad of anything he was glad that he had taken a single, not a +return ticket. + +He turned his eyes away from the blackness of the future and let his +mind dwell on the hardly less murky past. Then, throwing up his hands, +he buried his face in them with a hollow groan. By some miserable +forgetfulness he had left the challenge on his chimney-piece, where his +housemaid would undoubtedly find and read it. That would explain his +absence far better than the telegraphic instructions he had left on his +table. There was no time to go back for it now, even if he could have +faced the risk of being seen by the Major, and in an hour or two the +whole story, via Withers, Janet, etc., would be all over Tilling. + +It was no use then thinking of the future nor of the past, and in order +to anchor himself to the world at all and preserve his sanity he had to +confine himself to the present. The minutes, long though each tarried, +were slipping away and provided his train was punctual, the passage of +five more of these laggards would see him safe. The news-boy took down +the shutters of his stall, a porter quenched the expiring lamp, and +Puffin began to listen for the rumble of the approaching train. It +stayed three minutes here: if up to time it would be in before a couple +more minutes had passed. + +There came from the station-yard outside the sound of heavy footsteps +running. Some early traveller like himself was afraid of missing the +train. The door burst open, and, streaming with rain and panting for +breath, Major Flint stood at the entry. Puffin looked wildly round to +see whether he could escape, still perhaps unobserved, on to the +platform, but it was too late, for their eyes met. + +In that instant of abject terror, two things struck Puffin. One was that +the Major looked at the open door behind him as if meditating retreat, +the second that he carried a Gladstone bag. Simultaneously Major Flint +spoke, if indeed that reverberating thunder of scornful indignation can +be called speech. + +"Ha! I guessed right then," he roared. "I guessed, sir, that you might +be meditating flight, and I--in fact, I came down to see whether you +were running away. I was right. You are a coward, Captain Puffin! But +relieve your mind, sir. Major Flint will not demean himself to fight +with a coward." + +Puffin gave one long sigh of relief, and then, standing in front of his +own Gladstone bag, in order to conceal it, burst into a cackling laugh. + +"Indeed!" he said. "And why, Major, was it necessary for you to pack a +Gladstone bag in order to stop me from running away? I'll tell you what +has happened. You were running away, and you know it. I guessed you +would. I came to stop you, you, you quaking runaway. Your wound troubled +you, hey? Didn't want another, hey?" + +There was an awful pause, broken by the entry from behind the Major of +the outside porter, panting under the weight of a large portmanteau. + +"You had to take your portmanteau, too," observed Puffin witheringly, +"in order to stop me. That's a curious way of stopping me. You're a +coward, sir! But go home. You're safe enough. This will be a fine story +for tea-parties." + +Puffin turned from him in scorn, still concealing his own bag. +Unfortunately the flap of his coat caught it, precariously perched on +the bench, and it bumped to the ground. + +"What's that?" said Major Flint. + +They stared at each other for a moment and then simultaneously burst +into peals of laughter. The train rumbled slowly into the station, but +neither took the least notice of it, and only shook their heads and +broke out again when the station-master urged them to take their seats. +The only thing that had power to restore Captain Puffin to gravity was +the difficulty of getting the money for his ticket refunded, while the +departure of the train with his portmanteau in it did the same for the +Major. + + * * * * * + +The events of that night and morning, as may easily be imagined, soon +supplied Tilling with one of the most remarkable conundrums that had +ever been forced upon its notice. Puffin's housemaid, during his absence +at the station, found and read not only the notice intended for her +eyes, but the challenge which he had left on the chimney-piece. She +conceived it to be her duty to take it down to Mrs. Gashly, his cook, +and while they were putting the bloodiest construction on these +inscriptions, their conference was interrupted by the return of Captain +Puffin in the highest spirits, who, after a vain search for the +challenge, was quite content, as its purport was no longer fraught with +danger and death, to suppose that he had torn it up. Mrs. Gashly, +therefore, after preparing breakfast at this unusually early hour, went +across to the back door of the Major's house, with the challenge in her +hand, to borrow a nutmeg grater, and gleaned the information that Mrs. +Dominic's employer (for master he could not be called) had gone off in a +great hurry to the station early that morning with a Gladstone bag and a +portmanteau, the latter of which had been seen no more, though the Major +had returned. So Mrs. Gashly produced the challenge, and having watched +Miss Mapp off to the High Street at half-past ten, Dominic and Gashly +went together to her house, to see if Withers could supply anything of +importance, or, if not, a nutmeg grater. They were forced to be content +with the grater, but pored over the challenge with Withers, and she +having an errand to Diva's house, told Janet, who without further +ceremony bounded upstairs to tell her mistress. Hardly had Diva heard, +than she plunged into the High Street, and, with suitable additions, +told Miss Mapp, Evie, Irene and the Padre under promise in each case, of +the strictest secrecy. Ten minutes later Irene had asked the defenceless +Mr. Hopkins, who was being Adam again, what he knew about it, and Evie, +with her mouse-like gait that looked so rapid and was so deliberate, had +the mortification of seeing Miss Mapp outdistance her and be admitted +into the Poppits' house, just as she came in view of the front-door. She +rightly conjectured that, after the affair of the store-cupboard in the +garden-room, there could be nothing of lesser importance than "the duel" +which could take that lady through those abhorred portals. Finally, at +ten minutes past eleven, Major Flint and Captain Puffin were seen by one +or two fortunate people (the morning having cleared up) walking together +to the tram, and, without exception, everybody knew that they were on +their way to fight their duel in some remote hollow of the sand-dunes. + +Miss Mapp had gone straight home from her visit to the Poppits just +about eleven, and stationed herself in the window where she could keep +an eye on the houses of the duellists. In her anxiety to outstrip Evie +and be the first to tell the Poppits, she had not waited to hear that +they had both come back and knew only of the challenge and that they had +gone to the station. She had already formed a glorious idea of her own +as to what the history of the duel (past or future) was, and intoxicated +with emotion had retired from the wordy fray to think about it, and, as +already mentioned, to keep an eye on the two houses just below. Then +there appeared in sight the Padre, walking swiftly up the hill, and she +had barely time under cover of the curtain to regain the table where her +sweet chrysanthemums were pining for water when Withers announced him. +He wore a furrowed brow and quite forgot to speak either Scotch or +Elizabethan English. A few rapid words made it clear that they both had +heard the main outlines. + +"A terrible situation," said the Padre. "Duelling is direct +contravention of all Christian principles, and, I believe, of the civil +law. The discharge of a pistol, in unskilful hands, may lead to +deplorable results. And Major Flint, so one has heard, is an experienced +duellist.... That, of course, makes it even more dangerous." + +It was at this identical moment that Major Flint came out of his house +and qui-hied cheerily to Puffin. Miss Mapp and the Padre, deep in these +bloody possibilities, neither saw nor heard them. They passed together +down the road and into the High Street, unconscious that their very look +and action was being more commented on than the Epistle to the Hebrews. +Inside the garden-room Miss Mapp sighed, and bent her eyes on her +chrysanthemums. + +"Quite terrible!" she said. "And in our peaceful, tranquil Tilling!" + +"Perhaps the duel has already taken place, and--and they've missed," +said the Padre. "They were both seen to return to their houses early +this morning." + +"By whom?" asked Miss Mapp jealously. She had not heard that. + +"By Hopkins," said he. "Hopkins saw them both return." + +"I shouldn't trust that man too much," said Miss Mapp. "Hopkins may not +be telling the truth. I have no great opinion of his moral standard." + +"Why is that?" + +This was no time to discuss the nudity of Hopkins and Miss Mapp put the +question aside. + +"That does not matter now, dear Padre," she said. "I only wish I thought +the duel had taken place without accident. But Major Benjy's--I mean +Major Flint's--portmanteau has not come back to his house. Of that I'm +sure. What if they have sent it away to some place where they are +unknown, full of pistols and things?" + +"Possible--terribly possible," said the Padre. "I wish I could see my +duty clear. I should not hesitate to--well, to do the best I could to +induce them to abandon this murderous project. And what do you imagine +was the root of the quarrel?" + +"I couldn't say, I'm sure," said Miss Mapp. She bent her head over the +chrysanthemums. + +"Your distracting sex," said he with a moment's gallantry, "is usually +the cause of quarrel. I've noticed that they both seemed to admire Miss +Irene very much." + +Miss Mapp raised her head and spoke with great animation. + +"Dear, quaint Irene, I'm sure, has nothing whatever to do with it," she +said with perfect truth. "Nothing whatever!" + +There was no mistaking the sincerity of this, and the Padre, Tillingite +to the marrow, instantly concluded that Miss Mapp knew what (or who) was +the cause of all this unique disturbance. And as she bent her head again +over the chrysanthemums, and quite distinctly grew brick-red in the +face, he felt that delicacy prevented his inquiring any further. + +"What are you going to do, dear Padre?" she asked in a low voice, +choking with emotion. "Whatever you decide will be wise and Christian. +Oh, these violent men! Such babies, too!" + +The Padre was bursting with curiosity, but since his delicacy forbade +him to ask any of the questions which effervesced like sherbet round his +tongue, he propounded another plan. + +"I think my duty is to go straight to the Major," he said, "who seems to +be the principal in the affair, and tell him that I know all--and guess +the rest," he added. + +"Nothing that I have said," declared Miss Mapp in great confusion, "must +have anything to do with your guesses. Promise me that, Padre." + +This intimate and fruitful conversation was interrupted by the sound of +two pairs of steps just outside, and before Withers had had time to say +"Mrs. Plaistow," Diva burst in. + +"They have both taken the 11.20 tram," she said, and sank into the +nearest chair. + +"Together?" asked Miss Mapp, feeling a sudden chill of disappointment +at the thought of a duel with pistols trailing off into one with golf +clubs. + +"Yes, but that's a blind," panted Diva. "They were talking and laughing +together. Sheer blind! Duel among the sand-dunes!" + +"Padre, it is your duty to stop it," said Miss Mapp faintly. + +"But if the pistols are in a portmanteau----" he began. + +"What portmanteau?" screamed Diva, who hadn't heard about that. + +"Darling, I'll tell you presently," said Miss Mapp. "That was only a +guess of mine, Padre. But there's no time to lose." + +"But there's no tram to catch," said the Padre. "It has gone by this +time." + +"A taxi then, Padre! Oh, lose no time!" + +"Are you coming with me?" he said in a low voice. "Your presence----" + +"Better not," she said. "It might---- Better not," she repeated. + +He skipped down the steps and was observed running down the street. + +"What about the portmanteau?" asked the greedy Diva. + + * * * * * + +It was with strong misgivings that the Padre started on his Christian +errand, and had not the sense of adventure spiced it, he would probably +have returned to his sermon instead, which was Christian, too. To begin +with, there was the ruinous expense of taking a taxi out to the +golf-links, but by no other means could he hope to arrive in time to +avert an encounter that might be fatal. It must be said to his credit +that, though this was an errand distinctly due to his position as the +spiritual head of Tilling, he rejected, as soon as it occurred to him, +the idea of charging the hire of the taxi to Church Expenses, and as he +whirled along the flat road across the marsh, the thing that chiefly +buoyed up his drooping spirits and annealed his courage was the romantic +nature of his mission. He no longer, thanks to what Miss Mapp had so +clearly refrained from saying, had the slightest doubt that she, in some +manner that scarcely needed conjecture, was the cause of the duel he was +attempting to avert. For years it had been a matter of unwearied and +confidential discussion as to whether and when she would marry either +Major Flint or Captain Puffin, and it was superfluous to look for any +other explanation. It was true that she, in popular parlance, was +"getting on," but so, too, and at exactly the same rate, were the +representatives of the United Services, and the sooner that two out of +the three of them "got on" permanently, the better. No doubt some crisis +had arisen, and inflamed with love.... He intended to confide all this +to his wife on his return. + +On his return! The unspoken words made his heart sink. What if he never +did return? For he was about to place himself in a position of no common +danger. His plan was to drive past the club-house, and then on foot, +after discharging the taxi, to strike directly into the line of tumbled +sand-dunes which, remote and undisturbed and full of large convenient +hollows, stretched along the coast above the flat beach. Any of those +hollows, he knew, might prove to contain the duellists in the very act +of firing, and over the rim of each he had to pop his unprotected head. +He (if in time) would have to separate the combatants, and who knew +whether, in their very natural chagrin at being interrupted, they might +not turn their combined pistols on him first, and settle with each +other afterwards? One murder the more made little difference to +desperate men. Other shocks, less deadly but extremely unnerving, might +await him. He might be too late, and pop his head over the edge of one +of these craters, only to discover it full of bleeding if not mangled +bodies. Or there might be only one mangled body, and the other, +unmangled, would pursue him through the sand-dunes and offer him life at +the price of silence. That, he painfully reflected, would be a very +difficult decision to make. Luckily, Captain Puffin (if he proved to be +the survivor) was lame.... + +With drawn face and agonized prayers on his lips, he began a systematic +search of the sand-dunes. Often his nerve nearly failed him, and he +would sink panting among the prickly bents before he dared to peer into +the hollow up the sides of which he had climbed. His ears shuddered at +the anticipation of hearing from near at hand the report of pistols, and +once a back-fire from a motor passing along the road caused him to leap +high in the air. The sides of these dunes were steep, and his shoes got +so full of sand, that from time to time, in spite of the urgency of his +errand, he was forced to pause in order to empty them out. He stumbled +in rabbit holes, he caught his foot and once his trousers in strands of +barbed wire, the remnant of coast defences in the Great War, he crashed +among potsherds and abandoned kettles; but with a thoroughness that did +equal credit to his wind and his Christian spirit, he searched a mile of +perilous dunes from end to end, and peered into every important hollow. +Two hours later, jaded and torn and streaming with perspiration, he +came, in the vicinity of the club-house, to the end of his fruitless +search. + +He staggered round the corner of it and came in view of the eighteenth +green. Two figures were occupying it, and one of these was in the act of +putting. He missed. Then he saw who the figures were: it was Captain +Puffin who had just missed his putt, it was Major Flint who now +expressed elated sympathy. + +"Bad luck, old boy," he said. "Well, a jolly good match and we halve it. +Why, there's the Padre. Been for a walk? Join us in a round this +afternoon, Padre! Blow your sermon!" + + + + +CHAPTER VI + + +The same delightful prospect at the end of the High Street, over the +marsh, which had witnessed not so long ago the final encounter in the +Wars of the Roses and the subsequent armistice, was, of course, found to +be peculiarly attractive that morning to those who knew (and who did +not?) that the combatants had left by the 11.20 steam-tram to fight +among the sand-dunes, and that the intrepid Padre had rushed after them +in a taxi. The Padre's taxi had returned empty, and the driver seemed to +know nothing whatever about anything, so the only thing for everybody to +do was to put off lunch and wait for the arrival of the next tram, which +occurred at 1.37. In consequence, all the doors in Tilling flew open +like those of cuckoo clocks at ten minutes before that hour, and this +pleasant promenade was full of those who so keenly admired autumn tints. + +From here the progress of the tram across the plain was in full view; +so, too, was the shed-like station across the river, which was the +terminus of the line, and expectation, when the two-waggoned little +train approached the end of its journey, was so tense that it was +almost disagreeable. A couple of hours had elapsed since, like the +fishers who sailed away into the West and were seen no more till the +corpses lay out on the shining sand, the three had left for the +sand-dunes, and a couple of hours, so reasoned the Cosmic Consciousness +of Tilling, gave ample time for a duel to be fought, if the Padre was +not in time to stop it, and for him to stop it if he was. No surgical +assistance, as far as was known, had been summoned, but the reason for +that might easily be that a surgeon's skill was no longer, alas! of any +avail for one, if not both, of the combatants. But if such was the case, +it was nice to hope that the Padre had been in time to supply spiritual +aid to anyone whom first-aid and probes were powerless to succour. + +The variety of _denouements_ which the approaching tram, that had now +cut off steam, was capable of providing was positively bewildering. They +whirled through Miss Mapp's head like the autumn leaves which she +admired so much, and she tried in vain to catch them all, and, when +caught, to tick them off on her fingers. Each, moreover, furnished +diverse and legitimate conclusions. For instance (taking the thumb) + + I. If nobody of the slightest importance arrived by the tram, that + might be because + + (_a_) Nothing had happened, and they were all playing golf. + + (_b_) The worst had happened, and, as the Padre had feared, the + duellists had first shot him and then each other. + + (_c_) The next worst had happened, and the Padre was arranging for + the reverent removal of the corpse of + + (i) Major Benjy, or + + (ii) Captain Puffin, or those of + + (iii) Both. + +Miss Mapp let go of her thumb and lightly touched her forefinger. + + II. The Padre might arrive alone. + +In that case anything or nothing might have happened to either or both +of the others, and the various contingencies hanging on this arrival +were so numerous that there was not time to sort them out. + + III. The Padre might arrive with two limping figures whom he assisted. + +Here it must not be forgotten that Captain Puffin always limped, and the +Major occasionally. Miss Mapp did not forget it. + + IV. The Padre might arrive with a stretcher. Query--Whose? + + V. The Padre might arrive with two stretchers. + + VI. Three stretchers might arrive from the shining sands, at the town + where the women were weeping and wringing their hands. + +In that case Miss Mapp saw herself busily employed in strengthening poor +Evie, who now was running about like a mouse from group to group picking +up crumbs of Cosmic Consciousness. + +Miss Mapp had got as far as sixthly, though she was aware she had not +exhausted the possibilities, when the tram stopped. She furtively took +out from her pocket (she had focussed them before she put them in) the +opera-glasses through which she had watched the station-yard on a day +which had been very much less exciting than this. After one glance she +put them back again, feeling vexed and disappointed with herself, for +the _denouement_ which they had so unerringly disclosed was one that +had not entered her mind at all. In that moment she had seen that out of +the tram there stepped three figures and no stretcher. One figure, it is +true, limped, but in a manner so natural, that she scorned to draw any +deductions from that halting gait. They proceeded, side by side, across +the bridge over the river towards the town. + +It is no use denying that the Cosmic Consciousness of the ladies of +Tilling was aware of a disagreeable anti-climax to so many hopes and +fears. It had, of course, hoped for the best, but it had not expected +that the best would be quite as bad as this. The best, to put it +frankly, would have been a bandaged arm, or something of that kind. +There was still room for the more hardened optimist to hope that +something of some sort had occurred, or that something of some sort had +been averted, and that the whole affair was not, in the delicious new +slang phrase of the Padre's, which was spreading like wildfire through +Tilling, a "wash-out." Pistols might have been innocuously discharged +for all that was known to the contrary. But it looked bad. + +Miss Mapp was the first to recover from the blow, and took Diva's podgy +hand. + +"Diva, darling," she said, "I feel so deeply thankful. What a wonderful +and beautiful end to all our anxiety!" + +There was a subconscious regret with regard to the anxiety. The anxiety +was, so to speak, a dear and beloved departed.... And Diva did not feel +so sure that the end was so beautiful and wonderful. Her grandfather, +Miss Mapp had reason to know, had been a butcher, and probably some +inherited indifference to slaughter lurked in her tainted blood. + +"There's the portmanteau still," she said hopefully. "Pistols in the +portmanteau. Your idea, Elizabeth." + +"Yes, dear," said Elizabeth; "but thank God I must have been very wrong +about the portmanteau. The outside-porter told me that he brought it up +from the station to Major Benjy's house half an hour ago. Fancy your not +knowing that! I feel sure he is a truthful man, for he attends the +Padre's confirmation class. If there had been pistols in it, Major Benjy +and Captain Puffin would have gone away too. I am quite happy about that +now. It went away and it has come back. That's all about the +portmanteau." + +She paused a moment. + +"But what does it contain, then?" she said quickly, more as if she was +thinking aloud than talking to Diva. "Why did Major Benjy pack it and +send it to the station this morning? Where has it come back from? Why +did it go there?" + +She felt that she was saying too much, and pressed her hand to her head. + +"Has all this happened this morning?" she said. "What a full morning, +dear! Lovely autumn leaves! I shall go home and have my lunch and rest. +Au reservoir, Diva." + +Miss Mapp's eternal reservoirs had begun to get on Diva's nerves, and as +she lingered here a moment more a great idea occurred to her, which +temporarily banished the disappointment about the duellists. Elizabeth, +as all the world knew, had accumulated a great reservoir of provisions +in the false book-case in her garden-room, and Diva determined that, if +she could think of a neat phrase, the very next time Elizabeth said _au +reservoir_ to her, she would work in an allusion to Elizabeth's own +reservoir of corned beef, tongue, flour, bovril, dried apricots and +condensed milk. She would have to frame some stinging rejoinder which +would "escape her" when next Elizabeth used that stale old phrase: it +would have to be short, swift and spontaneous, and therefore required +careful thought. It would be good to bring "pop" into it also. "Your +reservoir in the garden-room hasn't gone 'pop' again, I hope, darling?" +was the first draft that occurred to her, but that was not sufficiently +condensed. "Pop goes the reservoir," on the analogy of the weasel, was +better. And, better than either, was there not some sort of corn called +pop-corn, which Americans ate?... "Have you any pop-corn in your +reservoir?" That would be a nasty one.... + +But it all required thinking over, and the sight of the Padre and the +duellists crossing the field below, as she still lingered on this +escarpment of the hill, brought the duel back to her mind. It would have +been considered inquisitive even at Tilling to put direct questions to +the combatants, and (still hoping for the best) ask them point-blank +"Who won?" or something of that sort; but until she arrived at some sort +of information, the excruciating pangs of curiosity that must be endured +could be likened only to some acute toothache of the mind with no +dentist to stop or remove the source of the trouble. Elizabeth had +already succumbed to these pangs of surmise and excitement, and had +frankly gone home to rest, and her absence, the fact that for the next +hour or two she could not, except by some extraordinary feat on the +telephone, get hold of anything which would throw light on the whole +prodigious situation, inflamed Diva's brain to the highest pitch of +inventiveness. She knew that she was Elizabeth's inferior in point of +reconstructive imagination, and the present moment, while the other was +recuperating her energies for fresh assaults on the unknown, was Diva's +opportunity. The one person who might be presumed to know more than +anybody else was the Padre, but while he was with the duellists, it was +as impossible to ask him what had happened as to ask the duellists who +had won. She must, while Miss Mapp rested, get hold of the Padre without +the duellists. + +Even as Athene sprang full grown and panoplied from the brain of Zeus, +so from Diva's brain there sprang her plan complete. She even resisted +the temptation to go on admiring autumn tints, in order to see how the +interesting trio "looked" when, as they must presently do, they passed +close to where she stood, and hurried home, pausing only to purchase, +pay for, and carry away with her from the provision shop a large and +expensively-dressed crab, a dainty of which the Padre was inordinately +fond. Ruinous as this was, there was a note of triumph in her voice +when, on arrival, she called loudly for Janet, and told her to lay +another place at the luncheon table. Then putting a strong constraint on +herself, she waited three minutes by her watch, in order to give the +Padre time to get home, and then rang him up and reminded him that he +had promised to lunch with her that day. It was no use asking him to +lunch in such a way that he might refuse: she employed without remorse +this pitiless _force majeure_. + +The engagement was short and brisk. He pleaded that not even now could +he remember even having been asked (which was not surprising), and said +that he and wee wifie had begun lunch. On which Diva unmasked her last +gun, and told him that she had ordered a crab on purpose. That silenced +further argument, and he said that he and wee wifie would be round in a +jiffy, and rang off. She did not particularly want wee wifie, but there +was enough crab. + +Diva felt that she had never laid out four shillings to better purpose, +when, a quarter of an hour later, the Padre gave her the full account of +his fruitless search among the sand-dunes, so deeply impressive was his +sense of being buoyed up to that incredibly fatiguing and perilous +excursion by some Power outside himself. It never even occurred to her +to think that it was an elaborate practical joke on the part of the +Power outside himself, to spur him on to such immense exertions to no +purpose at all. He had only got as far as this over his interrupted +lunch with wee wifie, and though she, too, was in agonized suspense as +to what happened next, she bore the repetition with great equanimity, +only making small mouse-like noises of impatience which nobody heard. He +was quite forgetting to speak either Scotch or Elizabethan English, so +obvious was the absorption of his hearers, without these added aids to +command attention. + +"And then I came round the corner of the club-house," he said, "and +there were Captain Puffin and the Major finishing their match on the +eighteenth hole." + +"Then there's been no duel at all," said Diva, scraping the shell of the +crab. + +"I feel sure of it. There wouldn't have been time for a duel and a round +of golf, in addition to the impossibility of playing golf immediately +after a duel. No nerves could stand it. Besides, I asked one of their +caddies. They had come straight from the tram to the club-house, and +from the club-house to the first tee. They had not been alone for a +moment." + +"Wash-out," said Diva, wondering whether this had been worth four +shillings, so tame was the conclusion. + +Mrs. Bartlett gave a little squeak which was her preliminary to speech. + +"But I do not see why there may not be a duel yet, Kenneth," she said. +"Because they did not fight this morning--excellent crab, dear Diva, so +good of you to ask us--there's no reason why there shouldn't be a duel +this afternoon. O dear me, and cold beef as well: I shall be quite +stuffed. Depend upon it a man doesn't take the trouble to write a +challenge and all that, unless he means business." + +The Padre held up his hand. He felt that he was gradually growing to be +the hero of the whole affair. He had certainly looked over the edge of +numberless hollows in the sand-dunes with vivid anticipations of having +a bullet whizz by him on each separate occasion. It behoved him to take +a sublime line. + +"My dear," he said, "business is hardly a word to apply to murder. That +within the last twenty-four hours there was the intention of fighting a +duel, I don't deny. But something has decidedly happened which has +averted that deplorable calamity. Peace and reconciliation is the result +of it, and I have never seen two men so unaffectedly friendly." + +Diva got up and whirled round the table to get the port for the Padre, +so pleased was she at a fresh idea coming to her while still dear +Elizabeth was resting. She attributed it to the crab. + +"We've all been on a false scent," she said. "Peace and reconciliation +happened before they went out to the sand-dunes at all. It happened at +the station. They met at the station, you know. It is proved that Major +Flint went there. Major wouldn't send portmanteau off alone. And it's +proved that Captain Puffin went there too, because the note which his +housemaid found on the table before she saw the challenge from the +Major, which was on the chimney-piece, said that he had been called away +very suddenly. No: they both went to catch the early train in order to +go away before they could be stopped, and kill each other. But why +didn't they go? What happened? Don't suppose the outside porter showed +them how wicked they were, confirmation-class or no confirmation-class. +Stumps me. Almost wish Elizabeth was here. She's good at guessing." + +The Padre's eye brightened. Reaction after the perils of the morning, +crab and port combined to make a man of him. + +"Eh, 'tis a bonny wee drappie of port whatever, Mistress Plaistow," he +said. "And I dinna ken that ye're far wrang in jaloosing that Mistress +Mapp might have a wee bitty word to say aboot it a', 'gin she had the +mind." + +"She was wrong about the portmanteau," said Diva. "Confessed she was +wrong." + +"Hoots! I'm not mindin' the bit pochmantie," said the Padre. + +"What else does she know?" asked Diva feverishly. + +There was no doubt that the Padre had the fullest attention of the two +ladies again, and there was no need to talk Scotch any more. + +"Begin at the beginning," he said. "What do we suppose was the cause of +the quarrel?" + +"Anything," said Diva. "Golf, tiger-skins, coal-strike, summer-time." + +He shook his head. + +"I grant you words may pass on such subjects," he said. "We feel keenly, +I know, about summer-time in Tilling, though we shall all be reconciled +over that next Sunday, when real time, God's time, as I am venturing to +call it in my sermon, comes in again." + +Diva had to bite her tongue to prevent herself bolting off on this new +scent. After all, she had invested in crab to learn about duelling, not +about summer-time. + +"Well?" she said. + +"We may have had words on that subject," said the Padre, booming as if +he was in the pulpit already, "but we should, I hope, none of us go so +far as to catch the earliest train with pistols, in defence of our +conviction about summer-time. No, Mrs. Plaistow, if you are right, and +there is something to be said for your view, in thinking that they both +went to such lengths as to be in time for the early train, in order to +fight a duel undisturbed, you must look for a more solid cause than +that." + +Diva vainly racked her brains to think of anything more worthy of the +highest pitches of emotion than this. If it had been she and Miss Mapp +who had been embroiled, hoarding and dress would have occurred to her. +But as it was, no one in his senses could dream that the Captain and the +Major were sartorial rivals, unless they had quarrelled over the +question as to which of them wore the snuffiest old clothes. + +"Give it up," she said. "What did they quarrel about?" + +"Passion!" said the Padre, in those full, deep tones in which next +Sunday he would allude to God's time. "I do not mean anger, but the +flame that exalts man to heaven or--or does exactly the opposite!" + +"But whomever for?" asked Diva, quite thrown off her bearings. Such a +thing had never occurred to her, for, as far as she was aware, passion, +except in the sense of temper, did not exist in Tilling. Tilling was +far too respectable. + +The Padre considered this a moment. + +"I am betraying no confidence," he said, "because no one has confided in +me. But there certainly is a lady in this town--I do not allude to Miss +Irene--who has long enjoyed the Major's particular esteem. May not some +deprecating remark----" + +Wee wifie gave a much louder squeal than usual. + +"He means poor Elizabeth," she said in a high, tremulous voice. "Fancy, +Kenneth!" + +Diva, a few seconds before, had seen no reason why the Padre should +drink the rest of her port, and was now in the act of drinking some of +that unusual beverage herself. She tried to swallow it, but it was too +late, and next moment all the openings in her face were fountains of +that delicious wine. She choked and she gurgled, until the last drop had +left her windpipe--under the persuasion of pattings on the back from the +others--and then she gave herself up to loud, hoarse laughter, through +which there shrilled the staccato squeaks of wee wifie. Nothing, even if +you are being laughed at yourself, is so infectious as prolonged +laughter, and the Padre felt himself forced to join it. When one of them +got a little better, a relapse ensued by reason of infection from the +others, and it was not till exhaustion set in, that this triple volcano +became quiescent again. + +"Only fancy!" said Evie faintly. "How did such an idea get into your +head, Kenneth?" + +His voice shook as he answered. + +"Well, we were all a little worked up this morning," he said. "The +idea--really, I don't know what we have all been laughing at----" + +"I do," said Diva. "Go on. About the idea----" + +A feminine, a diabolical inspiration flared within wee wifie's mind. + +"Elizabeth suggested it herself," she squealed. + +Naturally Diva could not help remembering that she had found Miss Mapp +and the Padre in earnest conversation together when she forced her way +in that morning with the news that the duellists had left by the 11.20 +tram. Nobody could be expected to have so short a memory as to have +forgotten _that_. Just now she forgave Elizabeth for anything she had +ever done. That might have to be reconsidered afterwards, but at present +it was valid enough. + +"Did she suggest it?" she asked. + +The Padre behaved like a man, and lied like Ananias. + +"Most emphatically she did not," he said. + +The disappointment would have been severe, had the two ladies believed +this confident assertion, and Diva pictured a delightful interview with +Elizabeth, in which she would suddenly tell her the wild surmise the +Padre had made with regard to the cause of the duel, and see how she +looked then. Just see how she looked then: that was +all--self-consciousness and guilt would fly their colours.... + + * * * * * + +Miss Mapp had been tempted when she went home that morning, after +enjoying the autumn tints, to ask Diva to lunch with her, but remembered +in time that she had told her cook to broach one of the tins of +corned-beef which no human wizard could coax into the store-cupboard +again, if he shut the door after it. Diva would have been sure to say +something acid and allusive, to remark on its excellence being happily +not wasted on the poor people in the hospital, or, if she had not said +anything at all about it, her silence as she ate a great deal would have +had a sharp flavour. But Miss Mapp would have liked, especially when she +went to take her rest afterwards on the big sofa in the garden-room, to +have had somebody to talk to, for her brain seethed with conjectures as +to what had happened, was happening and would happen, and discussion was +the best method of simplifying a problem, of narrowing it down to the +limits of probability, whereas when she was alone now with her own +imaginings, the most fantastic of them seemed plausible. She had, +however, handed a glorious suggestion to the Padre, the one, that is, +which concerned the cause of the duel, and it had been highly +satisfactory to observe the sympathy and respect with which he had +imbibed it. She had, too, been so discreet about it; she had not come +within measurable distance of asserting that the challenge had been in +any way connected with her. She had only been very emphatic on the point +of its not being connected with poor dear Irene, and then occupied +herself with her sweet flowers. That had been sufficient, and she felt +in her bones and marrow that he inferred what she had meant him to +infer.... + +The vulture of surmise ceased to peck at her for a few moments as she +considered this, and followed up a thread of gold.... Though the Padre +would surely be discreet, she hoped that he would "let slip" to dear +Evie in the course of the vivid conversation they would be sure to have +over lunch, that he had a good guess as to the cause which had led to +that savage challenge. Upon which dear Evie would be certain to ply him +with direct squeaks and questions, and when she "got hot" (as in animal, +vegetable and mineral) his reticence would lead her to make a good +guess too. She might be incredulous, but there the idea would be in her +mind, while if she felt that these stirring days were no time for +scepticism, she could hardly fail to be interested and touched. Before +long (how soon Miss Mapp was happily not aware) she would "pop in" to +see Diva, or Diva would "pop in" to see her, and, Evie observing a +discretion similar to that of the Padre and herself, would soon enable +dear Diva to make a good guess too. After that, all would be well, for +dear Diva ("such a gossiping darling") would undoubtedly tell everybody +in Tilling, under vows of secrecy (so that she should have the pleasure +of telling everybody herself) just what her good guess was. Thus, very +presently, all Tilling would know exactly that which Miss Mapp had not +said to the dear Padre, namely, that the duel which had been fought (or +which hadn't been fought) was "all about" her. And the best of it was, +that though everybody knew, it would still be a great and beautiful +secret, reposing inviolably in every breast or chest, as the case might +be. She had no anxiety about anybody asking direct questions of the +duellists, for if duelling, for years past, had been a subject which no +delicately-minded person alluded to purposely in Major Benjy's presence, +how much more now after this critical morning would that subject be +taboo? That certainly was a good thing, for the duellists if closely +questioned might have a different explanation, and it would be highly +inconvenient to have two contradictory stories going about. But, as it +was, nothing could be nicer: the whole of the rest of Tilling, under +promise of secrecy, would know, and even if under further promises of +secrecy they communicated their secret to each other, there would be no +harm done.... + +After this excursion into Elysian fields, poor Miss Mapp had to get +back to her vulture again, and the hour's rest that she had felt was due +to herself as the heroine of a duel became a period of extraordinary +cerebral activity. Puzzle as she might, she could make nothing whatever +of the portmanteau and the excursion to the early train, and she got up +long before her hour was over, since she found that the more she +thought, the more invincible were the objections to any conclusion that +she drowningly grasped at. Whatever attack she made on this mystery, the +garrison failed to march out and surrender but kept their flag flying, +and her conjectures were woefully blasted by the forces of the most +elementary reasons. But as the agony of suspense, if no fresh topic of +interest intervened, would be frankly unendurable, she determined to +concentrate no more on it, but rather to commit it to the ice-house or +safe of her subconscious mind, from which at will, when she felt +refreshed and reinvigorated, she could unlock it and examine it again. +The whole problem was more superlatively baffling than any that she +could remember having encountered in all these inquisitive years, just +as the subject of it was more majestic than any, for it concerned not +hoarding, nor visits of the Prince of Wales, nor poppy-trimmed gowns, +but life and death and firing of deadly pistols. And should love be +added to this august list? Certainly not by her, though Tilling might do +what it liked. In fact Tilling always did. + +She walked across to the bow-window from which she had conducted so many +exciting and successful investigations. But to-day the view seemed as +stale and unprofitable as the world appeared to Hamlet, even though Mrs. +Poppit at that moment went waddling down the street and disappeared +round the corner where the dentist and Mr. Wyse lived. With a sense of +fatigue Miss Mapp recalled the fact that she had seen the housemaid +cleaning Mr. Wyse's windows yesterday--("Children dear, was it +yesterday?")--and had noted her industry, and drawn from it the +irresistible conclusion that Mr. Wyse was probably expected home. He +usually came back about mid-October, and let slip allusions to his +enjoyable visits in Scotland and his _villeggiatura_ (so he was pleased +to express it) with his sister the Contessa di Faraglione at Capri. That +Contessa Faraglione was rather a mythical personage to Miss Mapp's mind: +she was certainly not in a mediaeval copy of "Who's Who?" which was the +only accessible handbook in matters relating to noble and notable +personages, and though Miss Mapp would not have taken an oath that she +did not exist, she saw no strong reason for supposing that she did. +Certainly she had never been to Tilling, which was strange as her +brother lived there, and there was nothing but her brother's allusions +to certify her. About Mrs. Poppit now: had she gone to see Mr. Wyse or +had she gone to the dentist? One or other it must be, for apart from +them that particular street contained nobody who counted, and at the +bottom it simply conducted you out into the uneventful country. Mrs. +Poppit was all dressed up, and she would never walk in the country in +such a costume. It would do either for Mr. Wyse or the dentist, for she +was the sort of woman who would like to appear grand in the dentist's +chair, so that he might be shy of hurting such a fine lady. Then again, +Mrs. Poppit had wonderful teeth, almost too good to be true, and before +now she had asked who lived at that pretty little house just round the +corner, as if to show that she didn't know where the dentist lived! Or +had she found out by some underhand means that Mr. Wyse had come back, +and had gone to call on him and give him the first news of the duel, +and talk to him about Scotland? Very likely they had neither of them +been to Scotland at all: they conspired to say that they had been to +Scotland and stayed at shooting-lodges (keepers' lodges more likely) in +order to impress Tilling with their magnificence.... + +Miss Mapp sat down on the central-heating pipes in her window, and fell +into one of her reconstructive musings. Partly, if Mr. Wyse was back, it +was well just to run over his record; partly she wanted to divert her +mind from the two houses just below, that of Major Benjy on the one side +and that of Captain Puffin on the other, which contained the key to the +great, insoluble mystery, from conjecture as to which she wanted to +obtain relief. Mr. Wyse, anyhow, would serve as a mild opiate, for she +had never lost an angry interest in him. Though he was for eight months +of the year, or thereabouts, in Tilling, he was never, for a single +hour, _of_ Tilling. He did not exactly invest himself with an air of +condescension and superiority--Miss Mapp did him that justice--but he +made other people invest him with it, so that it came to the same thing: +he was invested. He did not drag the fact of his sister being the +Contessa Faraglione into conversation, but if talk turned on sisters, +and he was asked about his, he confessed to her nobility. The same +phenomenon appeared when the innocent county of Hampshire was mentioned, +for it turned out that he knew the county well, being one of the Wyses +of Whitchurch. You couldn't say he talked about it, but he made other +people talk about it.... He was quite impervious to satire on such +points, for when, goaded to madness, Miss Mapp had once said that she +was one of the Mapps of Maidstone, he had merely bowed and said: "A very +old family, I believe," and when the conversation branched off on to +old families he had rather pointedly said "we" to Miss Mapp. So poor +Miss Mapp was sorry she had been satirical.... But for some reason, +Tilling never ceased to play up to Mr. Wyse, and there was not a +tea-party or a bridge-party given during the whole period of his +residence there to which he was not invited. Hostesses always started +with him, sending him round a note with "To await answer," written in +the top left-hand corner, since he had clearly stated that he considered +the telephone an undignified instrument only fit to be used for +household purposes, and had installed his in the kitchen, in the manner +of the Wyses of Whitchurch. That alone, apart from Mr. Wyse's +old-fashioned notions on the subject, made telephoning impossible, for +your summons was usually answered by his cook, who instantly began +scolding the butcher irrespective and disrespectful of whom you were. +When her mistake was made known to her, she never apologized, but +grudgingly said she would call Mr. Figgis, who was Mr. Wyse's valet. Mr. +Figgis always took a long time in coming, and when he came he sneezed or +did something disagreeable and said: "Yes, yes; what is it?" in a very +testy manner. After explanations he would consent to tell his master, +which took another long time, and even then Mr. Wyse did not come +himself, and usually refused the proffered invitation. Miss Mapp had +tried the expedient of sending Withers to the telephone when she wanted +to get at Mr. Wyse, but this had not succeeded, for Withers and Mr. +Wyse's cook quarrelled so violently before they got to business that Mr. +Figgis had to calm the cook and Withers to complain to Miss Mapp.... +This, in brief, was the general reason why Tilling sent notes to Mr. +Wyse. As for chatting through the telephone, which was the main use of +telephones, the thing was quite out of the question. + +Miss Mapp revived a little as she made this piercing analysis of Mr. +Wyse, and the warmth of the central heating pipes, on this baffling day +of autumn tints, was comforting.... No one could say that Mr. Wyse was +not punctilious in matters of social etiquette, for though he refused +three-quarters of the invitations which were showered on him, he +invariably returned the compliment by an autograph note hoping that he +might have the pleasure of entertaining you at lunch on Thursday next, +for he always gave a small luncheon-party on Thursday. These invitations +were couched in Chesterfield-terms: Mr. Wyse said that he had met a +mutual friend just now who had informed him that you were in residence, +and had encouraged him to hope that you might give him the pleasure of +your company, etc. This was alluring diction: it presented the image of +Mr. Wyse stepping briskly home again, quite heartened up by this chance +encounter, and no longer the prey to melancholy at the thought that you +might not give him the joy. He was encouraged to hope.... These polite +expressions were traced in a neat upright hand on paper which, when he +had just come back from Italy, often bore a coronet on the top with +"Villa Faraglione, Capri" printed on the right-hand top corner and +"Amelia" (the name of his putative sister) in sprawling gilt on the +left, the whole being lightly erased. Of course he was quite right to +filch a few sheets, but it threw rather a lurid light on his character +that they should be such grand ones. + +Last year only, in a fit of passion at Mr. Wyse having refused six +invitations running on the plea of other engagements, Miss Mapp had +headed a movement, the object of which was that Tilling should not +accept any of Mr. Wyse's invitations unless he accepted its. This had +met with theoretical sympathy; the Bartletts, Diva, Irene, the Poppits +had all agreed--rather absently--that it would be a very proper thing to +do, but the very next Thursday they had all, including the originator, +met on Mr. Wyse's doorstep for a luncheon-party, and the movement then +and there collapsed. Though they all protested and rebelled against such +a notion, the horrid fact remained that everybody basked in Mr. Wyse's +effulgence whenever it was disposed to shed itself on them. Much as they +distrusted the information they dragged out of him, they adored hearing +about the Villa Faraglione, and dressed themselves in their very best +clothes to do so. Then again there was the quality of the lunch itself: +often there was caviare, and it was impossible (though the interrogator +who asked whether it came from Twemlow's feared the worst) not to be +mildly excited to know, when Mr. Wyse referred the question to Figgis, +that the caviare had arrived from Odessa that morning. The haunch of +roe-deer came from Perthshire; the wine, on the subject of which the +Major could not be silent, and which often made him extremely talkative, +was from "my brother-in-law's vineyard." And Mr. Wyse would taste it +with the air of a connoisseur and say: "Not quite as good as last year: +I must tell the Cont---- I mean my sister." + +Again when Mr. Wyse did condescend to honour a tea-party or a +bridge-party, Tilling writhed under the consciousness that their general +deportment was quite different from that which they ordinarily practised +among themselves. There was never any squabbling at Mr. Wyse's table, +and such squabbling as took place at the other tables was conducted in +low hissings and whispers, so that Mr. Wyse should not hear. Diva never +haggled over her gains or losses when he was there, the Padre never +talked Scotch or Elizabethan English. Evie never squeaked like a mouse, +no shrill recriminations or stately sarcasms took place between +partners, and if there happened to be a little disagreement about the +rules, Mr. Wyse's decision, though he was not a better player than any +of them, was accepted without a murmur. At intervals for refreshment, in +the same way, Diva no longer filled her mouth and both hands with +nougat-chocolate; there was no scrambling or jostling, but the ladies +were waited on by the gentlemen, who then refreshed themselves. And yet +Mr. Wyse in no way asserted himself, or reduced them all to politeness +by talking about the polished manners of Italians; it was Tilling itself +which chose to behave in this unusual manner in his presence. Sometimes +Diva might forget herself for a moment, and address something withering +to her partner, but the partner never replied in suitable terms, and +Diva became honey-mouthed again. It was, indeed, if Mr. Wyse had +appeared at two or three parties, rather a relief not to find him at the +next, and breathe freely in less rarefied air. But whether he came or +not he always returned the invitation by one to a Thursday +luncheon-party, and thus the high circles of Tilling met every week at +his house. + +Miss Mapp came to the end of this brief retrospect, and determined, when +once it was proved that Mr. Wyse had arrived, to ask him to tea on +Tuesday. That would mean lunch with him on Thursday, and it was +unnecessary to ask anybody else unless Mr. Wyse accepted. If he refused, +there would be no tea-party.... But, after the events of the last +twenty-four hours, there was no vividness in these plans and +reminiscences, and her eye turned to the profile of the Colonel's house. + +"The portmanteau," she said to herself.... No: she must take her mind +off that subject. She would go for a walk, not into the High Street, but +into the quiet level country, away from the turmoil of passion (in the +Padre's sense) and quarrels (in her own), where she could cool her +curiosity and her soul with contemplation of the swallows and the white +butterflies (if they had not all been killed by the touch of frost last +night) and the autumn tints of which there were none whatever in the +treeless marsh.... Decidedly the shortest way out of the town was that +which led past Mr. Wyse's house. But before leaving the garden-room she +practised several faces at the looking-glass opposite the door, which +should suitably express, if she met anybody to whom the cause of the +challenge was likely to have spread, the bewildering emotion which the +unwilling cause of it must feel. There must be a wistful wonder, there +must be a certain pride, there must be the remains of romantic +excitement, and there must be deep womanly anxiety. The carriage of the +head "did" the pride, the wide-open eyes "did" the wistful wonder and +the romance, the deep womanly anxiety lurked in the tremulous smile, and +a violent rubbing of the cheeks produced the colour of excitement. In +answer to any impertinent questions, if she encountered such, she meant +to give an absent answer, as if she had not understood. Thus equipped +she set forth. + +It was rather disappointing to meet nobody, but as she passed Mr. Wyse's +bow-window she adjusted the chrysanthemums she wore, and she had a good +sight of his profile and the back of Mrs. Poppit's head. They appeared +deep in conversation, and Miss Mapp felt that the tiresome woman was +probably giving him a very incomplete account of what had happened. She +returned late for tea, and broke off her apologies to Withers for being +such a trouble because she saw a note on the hall table. There was a +coronet on the back of the envelope, and it was addressed in the neat, +punctilious hand which so well expressed its writer. Villa Faraglione, +Capri, a coronet and Amelia all lightly crossed out headed the page, and +she read: + + "DEAR MISS MAPP, + + "It is such a pleasure to find myself in our little Tilling again, + and our mutual friend Mrs. Poppit, M.B.E., tells me you are in + residence, and encourages me to hope that I may induce you to take + _dejeuner_ with me on Thursday, at one o'clock. May I assure you, + with all delicacy, that you will not meet here anyone whose + presence could cause you the slightest embarrassment? + + "Pray excuse this hasty note. Figgis will wait for your answer if + you are in. + + "Yours very sincerely, + + "ALGERNON WYSE." + +Had not Withers been present, who might have misconstrued her action, +Miss Mapp would have kissed the note; failing that, she forgave Mrs. +Poppit for being an M.B.E. + +"The dear woman!" she said. "She has heard, and has told him." + +Of course she need not ask Mr. Wyse to tea now.... + + + + +CHAPTER VII + + +A white frost on three nights running and a terrible blackening of +dahlias, whose reputation was quite gone by morning, would probably have +convinced the ladies of Tilling that it was time to put summer clothing +in camphor and winter clothing in the back-yard to get aired, even if +the Padre had not preached that remarkable sermon on Sunday. It was so +remarkable that Miss Mapp quite forgot to note grammatical lapses and +listened entranced. + +The text was, "He made summer and winter," and after repeating the words +very impressively, so that there might be no mistake about the origin of +the seasons, the Padre began to talk about something quite +different--namely, the unhappy divisions which exist in Christian +communities. That did not deceive Miss Mapp for a moment: she saw +precisely what he was getting at over his oratorical fences. He got at +it.... + +Ever since Summer-time had been inaugurated a few years before, it had +been one of the chronic dissensions of Tilling. Miss Mapp, Diva and the +Padre flatly refused to recognize it, except when they were going by +train or tram, when principle must necessarily go to the wall, or they +would never have succeeded in getting anywhere, while Miss Mapp, with +the halo of martyrdom round her head, had once arrived at a Summer-time +party an hour late, in order to bear witness to the truth, and, in +consequence, had got only dregs of tea and the last faint strawberry. +But the Major and Captain Puffin used the tram so often, that they had +fallen into the degrading habit of dislocating their clocks and watches +on the first of May, and dislocating them again in the autumn, when they +were forced into uniformity with properly-minded people. Irene was +flippant on the subject, and said that any old time would do for her. +The Poppits followed convention, and Mrs. Poppit, in naming the hour for +a party to the stalwarts, wrote "4.30 (your 3.30)." The King, after +all, had invited her to be decorated at a particular hour, summer-time, +and what was good enough for the King was good enough for Mrs. Poppit. + +The sermon was quite uncompromising. There was summer and winter, by +Divine ordinance, but there was nothing said about summer-time and +winter-time. There was but one Time, and even as Life only stained the +white radiance of eternity, as the gifted but, alas! infidel poet +remarked, so, too, did Time. But ephemeral as Time was, noon in the +Bible clearly meant twelve o'clock, and not one o'clock: towards even, +meant towards even, and not the middle of a broiling afternoon. The +sixth hour similarly was the Roman way of saying twelve. Winter-time, in +fact, was God's time, and though there was nothing wicked (far from it) +in adopting strange measures, yet the simple, the childlike, clung to +the sacred tradition, which they had received from their fathers and +forefathers at their mother's knee. Then followed a long and eloquent +passage, which recapitulated the opening about unhappy divisions, and +contained several phrases, regarding the lengths to which such divisions +might go, which were strikingly applicable to duelling. The peroration +recapitulated the recapitulation, in case anyone had missed it, and the +coda, the close itself, in the full noon of the winter sun, was full of +joy at the healing of all such unhappy divisions. And now.... The rain +rattling against the windows drowned the Doxology. + +The doctrine was so much to her mind that Miss Mapp gave a shilling to +the offertory instead of her usual sixpence, to be devoted to the +organist and choir fund. The Padre, it is true, had changed the hour of +services to suit the heresy of the majority, and this for a moment made +her hand falter. But the hope, after this convincing sermon, that next +year morning service would be at the hour falsely called twelve decided +her not to withdraw this handsome contribution. + +Frosts and dead dahlias and sermons then were together overwhelmingly +convincing, and when Miss Mapp went out on Monday morning to do her +shopping, she wore a tweed skirt and jacket, and round her neck a long +woollen scarf to mark the end of the summer. Mrs. Poppit, alone in her +disgusting ostentation, had seemed to think two days ago that it was +cold enough for furs, and she presented a truly ridiculous aspect in an +enormous sable coat, under the weight of which she could hardly stagger, +and stood rooted to the spot when she stepped out of the Royce. Brisk +walking and large woollen scarves saved the others from feeling the cold +and from being unable to move, and this morning the High Street was +dazzling with the shifting play of bright colours. There was quite a +group of scarves at the corner, where Miss Mapp's street debouched into +the High Street: Irene was there (for it was probably too cold for Mr. +Hopkins that morning), looking quainter than ever in corduroys and mauve +stockings with an immense orange scarf bordered with pink. Diva was +there, wound up in so delicious a combination of rose-madder and +Cambridge blue, that Miss Mapp, remembering the history of the +rose-madder, had to remind herself how many things there were in the +world more important than worsted. Evie was there in vivid green with a +purple border, the Padre had a knitted magenta waistcoat, and Mrs. +Poppit that great sable coat which almost prevented movement. They were +all talking together in a very animated manner when first Miss Mapp came +in sight, and if, on her approach, conversation seemed to wither, they +all wore, besides their scarves, very broad, pleasant smiles. Miss Mapp +had a smile, too, as good as anybody's. + +"Good morning, all you dear things," she said. "How lovely you all +look--just like a bed of delicious flowers! Such nice colours! My poor +dahlias are all dead." + +Quaint Irene uttered a hoarse laugh, and, swinging her basket, went +quickly away. She often did abrupt things like that. Miss Mapp turned to +the Padre. + +"Dear Padre, what a delicious sermon!" she said. "So glad you preached +it! Such a warning against all sorts of divisions!" + +The Padre had to compose his face before he responded to these +compliments. + +"I'm reecht glad, fair lady," he replied, "that my bit discourse was to +your mind. Come, wee wifie, we must be stepping." + +Quite suddenly all the group, with the exception of Mrs. Poppit, melted +away. Wee wifie gave a loud squeal, as if to say something, but her +husband led her firmly off, while Diva, with rapidly revolving feet, +sped like an arrow up the centre of the High Street. + +"Such a lovely morning!" said Miss Mapp to Mrs. Poppit, when there was +no one else to talk to. "And everyone looks so pleased and happy, and +all in such a hurry, busy as bees, to do their little businesses. Yes." + +Mrs. Poppit began to move quietly away with the deliberate, +tortoise-like progression necessitated by the fur coat. It struck Miss +Mapp that she, too, had intended to take part in the general breaking up +of the group, but had merely been unable to get under way as fast as the +others. + +"Such a lovely fur coat," said Miss Mapp sycophantically. "Such +beautiful long fur! And what is the news this morning? Has a little bird +been whispering anything?" + +"Nothing," said Mrs. Poppit very decidedly, and having now sufficient +way on to turn, she went up the street down which Miss Mapp had just +come. The latter was thus left all alone with her shopping basket and +her scarf. + +With the unerring divination which was the natural fruit of so many +years of ceaseless conjecture, she instantly suspected the worst. All +that busy conversation which her appearance had interrupted, all those +smiles which her presence had seemed but to render broader and more +hilarious, certainly concerned her. They could not still have been +talking about that fatal explosion from the cupboard in the garden-room, +because the duel had completely silenced the last echoes of that, and +she instantly put her finger on the spot. Somebody had been gossiping +(and how she hated gossip); somebody had given voice to what she had +been so studiously careful not to say. Until that moment, when she had +seen the rapid breaking up of the group of her friends all radiant with +merriment, she had longed to be aware that somebody had given voice to +it, and that everybody (under seal of secrecy) knew the unique +queenliness of her position, the overwhelmingly interesting role that +the violent passions of men had cast her for. She had not believed in +the truth of it herself, when that irresistible seizure of coquetry took +possession of her as she bent over her sweet chrysanthemums; but the +Padre's respectful reception of it had caused her to hope that everybody +else might believe in it. The character of the smiles, however, that +wreathed the faces of her friends did not quite seem to give fruition to +that hope. There were smiles and smiles, respectful smiles, sympathetic +smiles, envious and admiring smiles, but there were also smiles of +hilarious and mocking incredulity. She concluded that she had to deal +with the latter variety. + +"Something," thought Miss Mapp, as she stood quite alone in the High +Street, with Mrs. Poppit labouring up the hill, and Diva already a +rose-madder speck in the distance, "has got to be done," and it only +remained to settle what. Fury with the dear Padre for having hinted +precisely what she meant, intended and designed that he should hint, was +perhaps the paramount emotion in her mind; fury with everybody else for +not respectfully believing what she did not believe herself made an +important pendant. + +"What am I to do?" said Miss Mapp aloud, and had to explain to Mr. +Hopkins, who had all his clothes on, that she had not spoken to him. +Then she caught sight again of Mrs. Poppit's sable coat hardly further +off than it had been when first this thunderclap of an intuition +deafened her, and still reeling from the shock, she remembered that it +was almost certainly Mrs. Poppit who was the cause of Mr. Wyse writing +her that exquisitely delicate note with regard to Thursday. It was a +herculean task, no doubt, to plug up all the fountains of talk in +Tilling which were spouting so merrily at her expense, but a beginning +must be made before she could arrive at the end. A short scurry of +nimble steps brought her up to the sables. + +"Dear Mrs. Poppit," she said, "if you are walking by my little house, +would you give me two minutes' talk? And--so stupid of me to forget just +now--will you come in after dinner on Wednesday for a little rubber? The +days are closing in now; one wants to make the most of the daylight, and +I think it is time to begin our pleasant little winter evenings." + +This was a bribe, and Mrs. Poppit instantly pocketed it, with the +effect that two minutes later she was in the garden-room, and had +deposited her sable coat on the sofa ("Quite shook the room with the +weight of it," said Miss Mapp to herself while she arranged her plan). + +She stood looking out of the window for a moment, writhing with +humiliation at having to be suppliant to the Member of the British +Empire. She tried to remember Mrs. Poppit's Christian name, and was even +prepared to use that, but this crowning ignominy was saved her, as she +could not recollect it. + +"Such an annoying thing has happened," she said, though the words seemed +to blister her lips. "And you, dear Mrs. Poppit, as a woman of the +world, can advise me what to do. The fact is that somehow or other, and +I can't think how, people are saying that the duel last week, which was +so happily averted, had something to do with poor little me. So absurd! +But you know what gossips we have in our dear little Tilling." + +Mrs. Poppit turned on her a fallen and disappointed face. + +"But hadn't it?" she said. "Why, when they were all laughing about it +just now" ("I was right, then," thought Miss Mapp, "and what a tactless +woman!"), "I said I believed it. And I told Mr. Wyse." + +Miss Mapp cursed herself for her frankness. But she could obliterate +that again, and not lose a rare (goodness knew how rare!) believer. + +"I am in such a difficult position," she said. "I think I ought to let +it be understood that there is no truth whatever in such an idea, +however much truth there may be. And did dear Mr. Wyse believe--in fact, +I know he must have, for he wrote me, oh, such a delicate, understanding +note. He, at any rate, takes no notice of all that is being said and +hinted." + +Miss Mapp was momentarily conscious that she meant precisely the +opposite of this. Dear Mr. Wyse _did_ take notice, most respectful +notice, of all that was being said and hinted, thank goodness! But a +glance at Mrs. Poppit's fat and interested face showed her that the +verbal discrepancy had gone unnoticed, and that the luscious flavour of +romance drowned the perception of anything else. She drew a handkerchief +out, and buried her thoughtful eyes in it a moment, rubbing them with a +stealthy motion, which Mrs. Poppit did not perceive, though Diva would +have. + +"My lips are sealed," she continued, opening them very wide, "and I can +say nothing, except that I want this rumour to be contradicted. I +daresay those who started it thought it was true, but, true or false, I +must say nothing. I have always led a very quiet life in my little +house, with my sweet flowers for my companions, and if there is one +thing more than another that I dislike, it is that my private affairs +should be made matters of public interest. I do no harm to anybody, I +wish everybody well, and nothing--nothing will induce me to open my lips +upon this subject. I will not," cried Miss Mapp, "say a word to defend +or justify myself. What is true will prevail. It comes in the Bible." + +Mrs. Poppit was too much interested in what she said to mind where it +came from. + +"What can I do?" she asked. + +"Contradict, dear, the rumour that I have had anything to do with the +terrible thing which might have happened last week. Say on my authority +that it is so. I tremble to think"--here she trembled very much--"what +might happen if the report reached Major Benjy's ears, and he found out +who had started it. We must have no more duels in Tilling. I thought I +should never survive that morning." + +"I will go and tell Mr. Wyse instantly--dear," said Mrs. Poppit. + +That would never do. True believers were so scarce that it was wicked to +think of unsettling their faith. + +"Poor Mr. Wyse!" said Miss Mapp with a magnanimous smile. "Do not think, +dear, of troubling him with these little trumpery affairs. He will not +take part in these little tittle-tattles. But if you could let dear Diva +and quaint Irene and sweet Evie and the good Padre know that I laugh at +all such nonsense----" + +"But they laugh at it, too," said Mrs. Poppit. + +That would have been baffling for anyone who allowed herself to be +baffled, but that was not Miss Mapp's way. + +"Oh, that bitter laughter!" she said. "It hurt me to hear it. It was +envious laughter, dear, scoffing, bitter laughter. I heard! I cannot +bear that the dear things should feel like that. Tell them that I say +how silly they are to believe anything of the sort. Trust me, I am right +about it. I wash my hands of such nonsense." + +She made a vivid dumb-show of this, and after drying them on an +imaginary towel, let a sunny smile peep out the eyes which she had +rubbed. + +"All gone!" she said; "and we will have a dear little party on Wednesday +to show we are all friends again. And we meet for lunch at dear Mr. +Wyse's the next day? Yes? He will get tired of poor little me if he sees +me two days running, so I shall not ask him. I will just try to get two +tables together, and nobody shall contradict dear Diva, however many +shillings she says she has won. I would sooner pay them all myself than +have any more of our unhappy divisions. You will have talked to them +all before Wednesday, will you not, dear?" + +As there were only four to talk to, Mrs. Poppit thought that she could +manage it, and spent a most interesting afternoon. For two years now she +had tried to unfreeze Miss Mapp, who, when all was said and done, was +the centre of the Tilling circle, and who, if any attempt was made to +shove her out towards the circumference, always gravitated back again. +And now, on these important errands she was Miss Mapp's accredited +ambassador, and all the terrible business of the opening of the +store-cupboard and her decoration as M.B.E. was quite forgiven and +forgotten. There would be so much walking to be done from house to +house, that it was impossible to wear her sable coat unless she had the +Royce to take her about.... + +The effect of her communications would have surprised anybody who did +not know Tilling. A less subtle society, when assured from a first-hand, +authoritative source that a report which it had entirely refused to +believe was false, would have prided itself on its perspicacity, and +said that it had laughed at such an idea, as soon as ever it heard it, +as being palpably (look at Miss Mapp!) untrue. Not so Tilling. The very +fact that, by the mouth of her ambassador, she so uncompromisingly +denied it, was precisely why Tilling began to wonder if there was not +something in it, and from wondering if there was not something in it, +surged to the conclusion that there certainly was. Diva, for instance, +the moment she was told that Elizabeth (for Mrs. Poppit remembered her +Christian name perfectly) utterly and scornfully denied the truth of the +report, became intensely thoughtful. + +"Say there's nothing in it?" she observed. "Can't understand that." + +At that moment Diva's telephone bell rang, and she hurried out and in. + +"Party at Elizabeth's on Wednesday," she said. "She saw me laughing. Why +ask me?" + +Mrs. Poppit was full of her sacred mission. + +"To show how little she minds your laughing," she suggested. + +"As if it wasn't true, then. Seems like that. Wants us to think it's not +true." + +"She was very earnest about it," said the ambassador. + +Diva got up, and tripped over the outlying skirts of Mrs. Poppit's fur +coat as she went to ring the bell. + +"Sorry," she said. "Take it off and have a chat. Tea's coming. Muffins!" + +"Oh, no, thanks!" said Mrs. Poppit. "I've so many calls to make." + +"What? Similar calls?" asked Diva. "Wait ten minutes. Tea, Janet. +Quickly." + +She whirled round the room once or twice, all corrugated with +perplexity, beginning telegraphic sentences, and not finishing them: +"Says it's not true--laughs at notion of--And Mr. Wyse believes--The +Padre believed. After all, the Major--Little cock-sparrow Captain +Puffin--Or t'other way round, do you think?--No other explanation, you +know--Might have been blood----" + +She buried her teeth in a muffin. + +"Believe there's something in it," she summed up. + +She observed her guest had neither tea nor muffin. + +"Help yourself," she said. "Want to worry this out." + +"Elizabeth absolutely denies it," said Mrs. Poppit. "Her eyes were full +of----" + +"Oh, anything," said Diva. "Rubbed them. Or pepper if it was at lunch. +That's no evidence." + +"But her solemn assertion----" began Mrs. Poppit, thinking that she was +being a complete failure as an ambassador. She was carrying no +conviction at all. + +"Saccharine!" observed Diva, handing her a small phial. "Haven't got +more than enough sugar for myself. I expect Elizabeth's got +plenty--well, never mind that. Don't you see? If it wasn't true she +would try to convince us that it was. Seemed absurd on the face of it. +But if she tries to convince us that it isn't true--well, something in +it." + +There was the gist of the matter, and Mrs. Poppit proceeding next to the +Padre's house, found more muffins and incredulity. Nobody seemed to +believe Elizabeth's assertion that there was "nothing in it." Evie ran +round the room with excited squeaks, the Padre nodded his head, in +confirmation of the opinion which, when he first delivered it, had been +received with mocking incredulity over the crab. Quaint Irene, intent on +Mr. Hopkins's left knee in the absence of the model, said, "Good old +Mapp: better late than never." Utter incredulity, in fact, was the +ambassador's welcome ... and all the incredulous were going to +Elizabeth's party on Wednesday. + +Mrs. Poppit had sent the Royce home for the last of her calls, and +staggered up the hill past Elizabeth's house. Oddly enough, just as she +passed the garden-room, the window was thrown up. + +"Cup of tea, dear Susan?" said Elizabeth. She had found an old note of +Mrs. Poppit's among the waste paper for the firing of the kitchen oven +fully signed. + +"Just two minutes' talk, Elizabeth," she promptly responded. + + * * * * * + +The news that nobody in Tilling believed her left Miss Mapp more than +calm, on the bright side of calm, that is to say. She had a few +indulgent phrases that tripped readily off her tongue for the dear +things who hated to be deprived of their gossip, but Susan certainly did +not receive the impression that this playful magnanimity was attained +with an effort. Elizabeth did not seem really to mind: she was very gay. +Then, skilfully changing the subject, she mourned over her dead dahlias. + +Though Tilling with all its perspicacity could not have known it, the +intuitive reader will certainly have perceived that Miss Mapp's party +for Wednesday night had, so to speak, further irons in its fire. It had +originally been a bribe to Susan Poppit, in order to induce her to +spread broadcast that that ridiculous rumour (whoever had launched it) +had been promptly denied by the person whom it most immediately +concerned. It served a second purpose in showing that Miss Mapp was too +high above the mire of scandal, however interesting, to know or care who +might happen to be wallowing in it, and for this reason she asked +everybody who had done so. Such loftiness of soul had earned her an +amazing bonus, for it had induced those who sat in the seat of the +scoffers before to come hastily off, and join the thin but unwavering +ranks of the true believers, who up till then had consisted only of +Susan and Mr. Wyse. Frankly, so blest a conclusion had never occurred to +Miss Mapp: it was one of those unexpected rewards that fall like ripe +plums into the lap of the upright. By denying a rumour she had got +everybody to believe it, and when on Wednesday morning she went out to +get the chocolate cakes which were so useful in allaying the appetites +of guests, she encountered no broken conversations and gleeful smiles, +but sidelong glances of respectful envy. + +But what Tilling did not and could not know was that this, the first of +the autumn after-dinner bridge-parties, was destined to look on the +famous teagown of kingfisher-blue, as designed for Mrs. Trout. No doubt +other ladies would have hurried up their new gowns, or at least have +camouflaged their old ones, in honour of the annual inauguration of +evening bridge, but Miss Mapp had no misgivings about being outshone. +And once again here she felt that luck waited on merit, for though when +she dressed that evening she found she had not anticipated that +artificial light would cast a somewhat pale (though not ghastly) +reflection from the vibrant blue on to her features, similar in effect +to (but not so marked as) the light that shines on the faces of those +who lean over the burning brandy and raisins of "snapdragon," this +interesting pallor seemed very aptly to bear witness to all that she had +gone through. She did not look ill--she was satisfied as to that--she +looked gorgeous and a little wan. + +The bridge tables were not set out in the garden-room, which entailed a +scurry over damp gravel on a black, windy night, but in the little +square parlour above her dining-room, where Withers, in the intervals of +admitting her guests, was laying out plates of sandwiches and the +chocolate cakes, reinforced when the interval for refreshments came with +hot soup, whisky and syphons, and a jug of "cup" prepared according to +an ancestral and economical recipe, which Miss Mapp had taken a great +deal of trouble about. A single bottle of white wine, with suitable +additions of ginger, nutmeg, herbs and soda-water, was the mother of a +gallon of a drink that seemed aflame with fiery and probably spirituous +ingredients. Guests were very careful how they partook of it, so +stimulating it seemed. + +Miss Mapp was reading a book on gardening upside down (she had taken it +up rather hurriedly) when the Poppits arrived, and sprang to her feet +with a pretty cry at being so unexpectedly but delightfully disturbed. + +"Susan! Isabel!" she said. "Lovely of you to have come! I was reading +about flowers, making plans for next year." + +She saw the four eyes riveted to her dress. Susan looked quite shabby in +comparison, and Isabel did not look anything at all. + +"My dear, too lovely!" said Mrs. Poppit slowly. + +Miss Mapp looked brightly about, as if wondering what was too lovely: at +last she guessed. + +"Oh, my new frock?" she said. "Do you like it, dear? How sweet of you. +It's just a little nothing that I talked over with that nice Miss Greele +in the High Street. We put our heads together, and invented something +quite cheap and simple. And here's Evie and the dear Padre. So kind of +you to look in." + +Four more eyes were riveted on it. + +"Enticed you out just once, Padre," went on Miss Mapp. "So sweet of you +to spare an evening. And here's Major Benjy and Captain Puffin. Well, +that is nice!" + +This was really tremendous of Miss Mapp. Here was she meeting without +embarrassment or awkwardness the two, who if the duel had not been +averted, would have risked their very lives over some dispute concerning +her. Everybody else, naturally, was rather taken aback for the moment at +this situation, so deeply dyed in the dramatic. Should either of the +gladiators have heard that it was the Padre who undoubtedly had spread +the rumour concerning their hostess, Mrs. Poppit was afraid that even +his cloth might not protect him. But no such deplorable calamity +occurred, and only four more eyes were riveted to the kingfisher-blue. + +"Upon my word," said the Major, "I never saw anything more beautiful +than that gown, Miss Elizabeth. Straight from Paris, eh? Paris in every +line of it." + +"Oh, Major Benjy," said Elizabeth. "You're all making fun of me and my +simple little frock. I'm getting quite shy. Just a bit of old stuff that +I had. But so nice of you to like it. I wonder where Diva is. We shall +have to scold her for being late. Ah--she shan't be scolded. Diva, +darl----" + +The endearing word froze on Miss Mapp's lips and she turned deadly +white. In the doorway, in equal fury and dismay, stood Diva, dressed in +precisely the same staggeringly lovely costume as her hostess. Had Diva +and Miss Greele put their heads together too? Had Diva got a bit of old +stuff ...? + +Miss Mapp pulled herself together first and moistened her dry lips. + +"So sweet of you to look in, dear," she said. "Shall we cut?" + +Naturally the malice of cards decreed that Miss Mapp and Diva should sit +next each other as adversaries at the same table, and the combined +effect of two lots of kingfisher-blue was blinding. Complete silence on +every subject connected, however remotely, with dress was, of course, +the only line for correct diplomacy to pursue, but then Major Benjy was +not diplomatic, only gallant. + +"Never saw such stunning gowns, eh, Padre?" he said. "Dear me, they are +very much alike too, aren't they? Pair of exquisite sisters." + +It would be hard to say which of the two found this speech the more +provocative of rage, for while Diva was four years younger than Miss +Mapp, Miss Mapp was four inches taller than Diva. She cut the cards to +her sister with a hand that trembled so much that she had to do it +again, and Diva could scarcely deal. + + * * * * * + +Mr. Wyse frankly confessed the next day when, at one o'clock, Elizabeth +found herself the first arrival at his house, that he had been very +self-indulgent. + +"I have given myself a treat, dear Miss Mapp," he said. "I have asked +three entrancing ladies to share my humble meal with me, and have +provided--is it not shocking of me?--nobody else to meet them. Your +pardon, dear lady, for my greediness." + +Now this was admirably done. Elizabeth knew very well why two out of the +three men in Tilling had not been asked (very gratifying, that reason +was), and with the true refinement of which Mr. Wyse was so amply +possessed, where he was taking all the blame on himself, and putting it +so prettily. She bestowed her widest smile on him. + +"Oh, Mr. Wyse," she said. "We shall all quarrel over you." + +Not until Miss Mapp had spoken did she perceive how subtle her words +were. They seemed to bracket herself and Mr. Wyse together: all the men +(two out of the three, at any rate) had been quarrelling over her, and +now there seemed a very fair prospect of three of the women quarreling +over Mr. Wyse.... + +Without being in the least effeminate, Mr. Wyse this morning looked +rather like a modern Troubadour. He had a velveteen coat on, a soft, +fluffy, mushy tie which looked as if made of Shirley poppies, very neat +knickerbockers, brown stockings with blobs, like the fruit of plane +trees, dependent from elaborate "tops," and shoes with a cascade of +leather frilling covering the laces. He might almost equally well be +about to play golf over putting-holes on the lawn as the guitar. He made +a gesture of polished, polite dissent, not contradicting, yet hardly +accepting this tribute, remitting it perhaps, just as the King when he +enters the City of London touches the sword of the Lord Mayor and tells +him to keep it.... + +"So pleasant to be in Tilling again," he said. "We shall have a cosy, +busy winter, I hope. You, I know, Miss Mapp, are always busy." + +"The day is never long enough for me," said Elizabeth enthusiastically. +"What with my household duties in the morning, and my garden, and our +pleasant little gatherings, it is always bed-time too soon. I want to +read a great deal this winter, too." + +Diva (at the sight of whom Elizabeth had to make a strong effort of +self-control) here came in, together with Mrs. Poppit, and the party was +complete. Elizabeth would have been willing to bet that, in spite of the +warmness of the morning, Susan would have on her sable coat, and though, +technically, she would have lost, she more than won morally, for Mr. +Wyse's repeated speeches about his greediness were hardly out of his +mouth when she discovered that she had left her handkerchief in the +pocket of her sable coat, which she had put over the back of a +conspicuous chair in the hall. Figgis, however, came in at the moment to +say that lunch was ready, and she delayed them all very much by a long, +ineffectual search for it, during which Figgis, with a visible effort, +held up the sable coat, so that it was displayed to the utmost +advantage. And then, only fancy, Susan discovered that it was in her +sable muff all the time! + +All three ladies were on tenterhooks of anxiety as to who was to be +placed on Mr. Wyse's right, who on his left, and who would be given only +the place between two other women. But his tact was equal to anything. + +"Miss Mapp," he said, "will you honour me by taking the head of my table +and be hostess for me? Only I must have that vase of flowers removed, +Figgis; I can look at my flowers when Miss Mapp is not here. Now, what +have we got for breakfast--lunch, I should say?" + +The macaroni which Mr. Wyse had brought back with him from Naples +naturally led on to Italian subjects, and the general scepticism about +the Contessa di Faraglione had a staggering blow dealt it. + +"My sister," began Mr. Wyse (and by a swift sucking motion, Diva drew +into her mouth several serpents of dependent macaroni in order to be +able to listen better without this agitating distraction), "my sister, I +hope, will come to England this winter, and spend several weeks with +me." (Sensation.) + +"And the Count?" asked Diva, having swallowed the serpents. + +"I fear not; Cecco--Francesco, you know--is a great stay-at-home. Amelia +is looking forward very much to seeing Tilling. I shall insist on her +making a long stay here, before she visits our relations at Whitchurch." + +Elizabeth found herself reserving judgment. She would believe in the +Contessa Faraglione--no one more firmly--when she saw her, and had +reasonable proofs of her identity. + +"Delightful!" she said, abandoning with regret the fruitless pursuit +with a fork of the few last serpents that writhed on her plate. "What an +addition to our society! We shall all do our best to spoil her, Mr. +Wyse. When do you expect her?" + +"Early in December. You must be very kind to her, dear ladies. She is an +insatiable bridge-player. She has heard much of the great players she +will meet here." + +That decided Mrs. Poppit. She would join the correspondence class +conducted by "Little Slam," in "Cosy Corner." Little Slam, for the sum +of two guineas, payable in advance, engaged to make first-class players +of anyone with normal intelligence. Diva's mind flew off to the subject +of dress, and the thought of the awful tragedy concerning the tea-gown +of kingfisher-blue, combined with the endive salad, gave a wry twist to +her mouth for a moment. + +"I, as you know," continued Mr. Wyse, "am no hand at bridge." + +"Oh, Mr. Wyse, you play beautifully," interpolated Elizabeth. + +"Too flattering of you, Miss Mapp. But Amelia and Cecco do not agree +with you. I am never allowed to play when I am at the Villa Faraglione, +unless a table cannot be made up without me. But I shall look forward to +seeing many well-contested games." + +The quails and the figs had come from Capri, and Miss Mapp, greedily +devouring each in turn, was so much incensed by the information that she +had elicited about them, that, though she joined in the general +Lobgesang, she was tempted to inquire whether the ice had not been +brought from the South Pole by some Antarctic expedition. Her mind was +not, like poor Diva's, taken up with obstinate questionings about the +kingfisher-blue tea-gown, for she had already determined what she was +going to do about it. Naturally it was impossible to contemplate fresh +encounters like that of last night, but another gown, crimson-lake, the +colour of Mrs. Trout's toilet for the second evening of the Duke of +Hampshire's visit, as Vogue informed her, had completely annihilated +Newport with its splendour. She had already consulted Miss Greele about +it, who said that if the kingfisher-blue was bleached first the dye of +crimson-lake would be brilliant and pure.... The thought of that, and +the fact that Miss Greele's lips were professionally sealed, made her +able to take Diva's arm as they strolled about the garden afterwards. +The way in which both Diva and Susan had made up to Mr. Wyse during +lunch was really very shocking, though it did not surprise Miss Mapp, +but she supposed their heads had been turned by the prospect of playing +bridge with a countess. Luckily she expected nothing better of either of +them, so their conduct was in no way a blow or a disappointment to her. + +This companionship with Diva was rather prolonged, for the adhesive +Susan, staggering about in her sables, clung close to their host and +simulated a clumsy interest in chrysanthemums; and whatever the other +two did, manoeuvred herself into a strong position between them and Mr. +Wyse, from which, operating on interior lines, she could cut off either +assailant. More depressing yet (and throwing a sad new light on his +character), Mr. Wyse seemed to appreciate rather than resent the +appropriation of himself, and instead of making a sortie through the +beleaguering sables, would beg Diva and Elizabeth, who were so fond of +fuchsias and knew about them so well, to put their heads together over +an afflicted bed of these flowers in quite another part of the garden, +and tell him what was the best treatment for their anaemic condition. +Pleasant and proper though it was to each of them that Mr. Wyse should +pay so little attention to the other, it was bitter as the endive salad +to both that he should tolerate, if not enjoy, the companionship which +the forwardness of Susan forced on him, and while they absently stared +at the fuchsias, the fire kindled, and Elizabeth spake with her tongue. + +"How very plain poor Susan looks to-day," she said. "Such a colour, +though to be sure I attribute that more to what she ate and drank than +to anything else. Crimson. Oh, those poor fuchsias! I think I should +throw them away." + +The common antagonism, Diva felt, had drawn her and Elizabeth into the +most cordial of understandings. For the moment she felt nothing but +enthusiastic sympathy with Elizabeth, in spite of her kingfisher-blue +gown.... What on earth, in parenthesis, was she to do with hers? She +could not give it to Janet: it was impossible to contemplate the idea of +Janet walking about the High Street in a tea-gown of kingfisher-blue +just in order to thwart Elizabeth.... + +"Mr. Wyse seems taken with her," said Diva. "How he can! Rather a snob. +M.B.E. She's always popping in here. Saw her yesterday going round the +corner of the street." + +"What time, dear?" asked Elizabeth, nosing the scent. + +"Middle of the morning." + +"And I saw her in the afternoon," said Elizabeth. "That great lumbering +Rolls-Royce went tacking and skidding round the corner below my +garden-room." + +"Was she in it?" asked Diva. + +This appeared rather a slur on Elizabeth's reliability in observation. + +"No, darling, she was sitting on the top," she said, taking the edge off +the sarcasm, in case Diva had not intended to be critical, by a little +laugh. Diva drew the conclusion that Elizabeth had actually seen her +inside. + +"Think it's serious?" she said. "Think he'll marry her?" + +The idea of course, repellent and odious as it was, had occurred to +Elizabeth, so she instantly denied it. + +"Oh, you busy little match-maker," she said brightly. "Such an idea +never entered my head. You shouldn't make such fun of dear Susan. Come, +dear, I can't look at fuchsias any more. I must be getting home and must +say good-bye--au reservoir, rather--to Mr. Wyse, if Susan will allow me +to get a word in edgeways." + +Susan seemed delighted to let Miss Mapp get this particular word in +edgewise, and after a little speech from Mr. Wyse, in which he said that +he would not dream of allowing them to go yet, and immediately +afterwards shook hands warmly with them both, hoping that the reservoir +would be a very small one, the two were forced to leave the artful Susan +in possession of the field.... + +It all looked rather black. Miss Mapp's vivid imagination altogether +failed to picture what Tilling would be like if Susan succeeded in +becoming Mrs. Wyse and the sister-in-law of a countess, and she sat down +in her garden-room and closed her eyes for a moment, in order to +concentrate her power of figuring the situation. What dreadful people +these climbers were! How swiftly they swarmed up the social ladder with +their Rolls-Royces and their red-currant fool, and their sables! A few +weeks ago she herself had never asked Susan into her house, while the +very first time she came she unloosed the sluices of the store-cupboard, +and now, owing to the necessity of getting her aid in stopping that +mischievous rumour, which she herself had been so careful to set on +foot, regarding the cause of the duel, Miss Mapp had been positively +obliged to flatter and to "Susan" her. And if Diva's awful surmise +proved to be well-founded, Susan would be in a position to patronize +them all, and talk about counts and countesses with the same air of +unconcern as Mr. Wyse. She would be bidden to the Villa Faraglione, she +would play bridge with Cecco and Amelia, she would visit the Wyses of +Whitchurch.... + +What was to be done? She might head another movement to put Mr. Wyse in +his proper place; this, if successful, would have the agreeable result +of pulling down Susan a rung or two should she carry out her design. But +the failure of the last attempt and Mr. Wyse's eminence did not argue +well for any further manoeuvre of the kind. Or should she poison Mr. +Wyse's mind with regard to Susan?... Or was she herself causelessly +agitated? + +Or---- + +Curiosity rushed like a devastating tornado across Miss Mapp's mind, +rooting up all other growths, buffeting her with the necessity of +knowing what the two whom she had been forced to leave in the garden +were doing now, and snatching up her opera-glasses she glided upstairs, +and let herself out through the trap-door on to the roof. She did not +remember if it was possible to see Mr. Wyse's garden or any part of it +from that watch-tower, but there was a chance.... + +Not a glimpse of it was visible. It lay quite hidden behind the +red-brick wall which bounded it, and not a chrysanthemum or a fuchsia +could she see. But her blood froze as, without putting the glasses down, +she ran her eye over such part of the house-wall as rose above the +obstruction. In his drawing-room window on the first floor were seated +two figures. Susan had taken her sables off: it was as if she intended +remaining there for ever, or at least for tea.... + + + + +CHAPTER VIII + + +The hippopotamus quarrel over their whisky between Major Flint and +Captain Puffin, which culminated in the challenge and all the shining +sequel, had had the excellent effect of making the united services more +united than ever. They both knew that, had they not severally run away +from the encounter, and, so providentially, met at the station, very +serious consequences might have ensued. Had not both but only one of +them been averse from taking or risking life, the other would surely +have remained in Tilling, and spread disastrous reports about the +bravery of the refugee; while if neither of them had had scruples on the +sacredness of human existence there might have been one if not two +corpses lying on the shining sands. Naturally the fact that they both +had taken the very earliest opportunity of averting an encounter by +flight, made it improbable that any future quarrel would be proceeded +with to violent extremes, but it was much safer to run no risks, and not +let verbal disagreements rise to hippopotamus-pitch again. Consequently +when there was any real danger of such savagery as was implied in +sending challenges, they hastened, by mutual concessions, to climb down +from these perilous places, where loss of balance might possibly occur. +For which of them could be absolutely certain that next time the other +of them might not be more courageous?... + +They were coming up from the tram-station one November evening, both +fizzing and fuming a good deal, and the Major was extremely lame, lamer +than Puffin. The rattle of the tram had made argument impossible during +the transit from the links, but they had both in this enforced silence +thought of several smart repartees, supposing that the other made the +requisite remarks to call them out, and on arrival at the Tilling +station they went on at precisely the same point at which they had +broken off on starting from the station by the links. + +"Well, I hope I can take a beating in as English a spirit as anybody," +said the Major. + +This was lucky for Captain Puffin: he had thought it likely that he +would say just that, and had got a stinger for him. + +"And it worries you to find that your hopes are doomed to +disappointment," he swiftly said. + +Major Flint stepped in a puddle which cooled his foot but not his +temper. + +"Most offensive remark," he said. "I wasn't called Sporting Benjy in the +regiment for nothing. But never mind that. A worm-cast----" + +"It wasn't a worm-cast," said Puffin. "It was sheep's dung!" + +Luck had veered here: the Major had felt sure that Puffin would +reiterate that utterly untrue contention. + +"I can't pretend to be such a specialist as you in those matters," he +said, "but you must allow me sufficient power of observation to know a +worm-cast when I see it. It was a worm-cast, sir, a cast of a worm, and +you had no right to remove it. If you will do me the favour to consult +the rules of golf----?" + +"Oh, I grant you that you are more a specialist in the rules of golf, +Major, than in the practice of it," said Puffin brightly. + +Suddenly it struck Sporting Benjy that the red signals of danger danced +before his eyes, and though the odious Puffin had scored twice to his +once, he called up all his powers of self-control, for if his friend was +anything like as exasperated as himself, the breeze of disagreement +might develop into a hurricane. At the moment he was passing through a +swing-gate which led to a short cut back to the town, but before he +could take hold of himself he had slammed it back in his fury, hitting +Puffin, who was following him, on the knee. Then he remembered he was a +sporting Christian gentleman, and no duellist. + +"I'm sure I beg your pardon, my dear fellow," he said, with the utmost +solicitude. "Uncommonly stupid of me. The gate flew out of my hand. I +hope I didn't hurt you." + +Puffin had just come to the same conclusion as Major Flint: magnanimity +was better than early trains, and ever so much better than bullets. +Indeed there was no comparison.... + +"Not hurt a bit, thank you, Major," he said, wincing with the shrewdness +of the blow, silently cursing his friend for what he felt sure was no +accident, and limping with both legs. "It didn't touch me. Ha! What a +brilliant sunset. The town looks amazingly picturesque." + +"It does indeed," said the Major. "Fine subject for Miss Mapp." + +Puffin shuffled alongside. + +"There's still a lot of talk going on in the town," he said, "about that +duel of ours. Those fairies of yours are all agog to know what it was +about. I am sure they all think that there was a lady in the case. Just +like the vanity of the sex. If two men have a quarrel, they think it +must be because of their silly faces." + +Ordinarily the Major's gallantry would have resented this view, but the +reconciliation with Puffin was too recent to risk just at present. + +"Poor little devils," he said. "It makes an excitement for them. I +wonder who they think it is. It would puzzle me to name a woman in +Tilling worth catching an early train for." + +"There are several who'd be surprised to hear you say that, Major," said +Puffin archly. + +"Well, well," said the other, strutting and swelling, and walking +without a sign of lameness.... + +They had come to where their houses stood opposite each other on the +steep cobbled street, fronted at its top end by Miss Mapp's garden-room. +She happened to be standing in the window, and the Major made a great +flourish of his cap, and laid his hand on his heart. + +"And there's one of them," said Puffin, as Miss Mapp acknowledged these +florid salutations with a wave of her hand, and tripped away from the +window. + +"Poking your fun at me," said the Major. "Perhaps she was the cause of +our quarrel, hey? Well, I'll step across, shall I, about half-past nine, +and bring my diaries with me?" + +"I'll expect you. You'll find me at my Roman roads." + +The humour of this joke never staled, and they parted with hoots and +guffaws of laughter. + +It must not be supposed that duelling, puzzles over the portmanteau, or +the machinations of Susan had put out of Miss Mapp's head her amiable +interest in the hour at which Major Benjy went to bed. For some time she +had been content to believe, on direct information from him, that he +went to bed early and worked at his diaries on alternate evenings, but +maturer consideration had led her to wonder whether he was being quite +as truthful as a gallant soldier should be. For though (on alternate +evenings) his house would be quite dark by half-past nine, it was not +for twelve hours or more afterwards that he could be heard qui-hi-ing +for his breakfast, and unless he was in some incipient stage of +sleeping-sickness, such hours provided more than ample slumber for a +growing child, and might be considered excessive for a middle-aged man. +She had a mass of evidence to show that on the other set of alternate +nights his diaries (which must, in parenthesis, be of extraordinary +fullness) occupied him into the small hours, and to go to bed at +half-past nine on one night and after one o'clock on the next implied a +complicated kind of regularity which cried aloud for elucidation. If he +had only breakfasted early on the mornings after he had gone to bed +early, she might have allowed herself to be weakly credulous, but he +never qui-hied earlier than half-past nine, and she could not but think +that to believe blindly in such habits would be a triumph not for faith +but for foolishness. "People," said Miss Mapp to herself, as her +attention refused to concentrate on the evening paper, "don't do it. I +never heard of a similar case." + +She had been spending the evening alone, and even the conviction that +her cold apple tart had suffered diminution by at least a slice, since +she had so much enjoyed it hot at lunch, failed to occupy her mind for +long, for this matter had presented itself with a clamouring insistence +that drowned all other voices. She had tried, when, at the conclusion of +her supper, she had gone back to the garden-room, to immerse herself in +a book, in an evening paper, in the portmanteau problem, in a jig-saw +puzzle, and in Patience, but none of these supplied the stimulus to lead +her mind away from Major Benjy's evenings, or the narcotic to dull her +unslumbering desire to solve a problem that was rapidly becoming one of +the greater mysteries. + +Her radiator made a seat in the window agreeably warm, and a chink in +the curtains gave her a view of the Major's lighted window. Even as she +looked, the illumination was extinguished. She had expected this, as he +had been at his diaries late--quite naughtily late--the evening before, +so this would be a night of infant slumber for twelve hours or so. + +Even as she looked, a chink of light came from his front door, which +immediately enlarged itself into a full oblong. Then it went completely +out. "He has opened the door, and has put out the hall-light," whispered +Miss Mapp to herself.... "He has gone out and shut the door.... (Perhaps +he is going to post a letter.) ... He has gone into Captain Puffin's +house without knocking. So he is expected." + +Miss Mapp did not at once guess that she held in her hand the key to the +mystery. It was certainly Major Benjy's night for going to bed early.... +Then a fierce illumination beat on her brain. Had she not, so +providentially, actually observed the Major cross the road, +unmistakable in the lamplight, and had she only looked out of her window +after the light in his was quenched, she would surely have told herself +that good Major Benjy had gone to bed. But good Major Benjy, on ocular +evidence, she now knew to have done nothing of the kind: he had gone +across to see Captain Puffin.... He was not good. + +She grasped the situation in its hideous entirety. She had been deceived +and hoodwinked. Major Benjy never went to bed early at all: on alternate +nights he went and sat with Captain Puffin. And Captain Puffin, she +could not but tell herself, sat up on the other set of alternate nights +with the Major, for it had not escaped her observation that when the +Major seemed to be sitting up, the Captain seemed to have gone to bed. +Instantly, with strong conviction, she suspected orgies. It remained to +be seen (and she would remain to see it) to what hour these orgies were +kept up. + +About eleven o'clock a little mist had begun to form in the street, +obscuring the complete clarity of her view, but through it there still +shone the light from behind Captain Puffin's red blind, and the mist was +not so thick as to be able wholly to obscure the figure of Major Flint +when he should pass below the gas lamp again into his house. But no such +figure passed. Did he then work at his diaries every evening? And what +price, to put it vulgarly, Roman roads? + +Every moment her sense of being deceived grew blacker, and every moment +her curiosity as to what they were doing became more unbearable. After a +spasm of tactical thought she glided back into her house from the +garden-room, and, taking an envelope in her hand, so that she might, if +detected, say that she was going down to the letter-box at the corner to +catch the early post, she unbolted her door and let herself out. She +crossed the street and tip-toed along the pavement to where the red +light from Captain Puffin's window shone like a blurred danger-signal +through the mist. + +From inside came a loud duet of familiar voices: sometimes they spoke +singly, sometimes together. But she could not catch the words: they +sounded blurred and indistinct, and she told herself that she was very +glad that she could not hear what they said, for that would have seemed +like eaves-dropping. The voices sounded angry. Was there another duel +pending? And what was it about this time? + +Quite suddenly, from so close at hand that she positively leaped off the +pavement into the middle of the road, the door was thrown open and the +duet, louder than ever, streamed out into the street. Major Benjy +bounced out on to the threshold, and stumbled down the two steps that +led from the door. + +"Tell you it was a worm-cast," he bellowed. "Think I don't know a +worm-cast when I see a worm-cast?" + +Suddenly his tone changed: this was getting too near a quarrel. + +"Well, good-night, old fellow," he said. "Jolly evening." + +He turned and saw, veiled and indistinct in the mist, the female figure +in the roadway. Undying coquetry, as Mr. Stevenson so finely remarked, +awoke, for the topic preceding the worm-cast had been "the sex." + +"Bless me," he crowed, "if there isn't an unprotected lady all 'lone +here in the dark, and lost in the fog. 'Llow me to 'scort you home, +madam. Lemme introduce myself and friend--Major Flint, that's me, and my +friend Captain Puffin." + +He put up his hand and whispered an aside to Miss Mapp: "Revolutionized +the theory of navigation." + +Major Benjy was certainly rather gay and rather indistinct, but his +polite gallantry could not fail to be attractive. It was naughty of him +to have said that he went to bed early on alternate nights, but +really.... Still, it might be better to slip away unrecognized, and, +thinking it would be nice to scriggle by him and disappear in the mist, +she made a tactical error in her scriggling, for she scriggled full into +the light that streamed from the open door where Captain Puffin was +standing. + +He gave a shrill laugh. + +"Why, it's Miss Mapp," he said in his high falsetto. "Blow me, if it +isn't our mutual friend Miss Mapp. What a 'strordinary coincidence." + +Miss Mapp put on her most winning smile. To be dignified and at the same +time pleasant was the proper way to deal with this situation. Gentlemen +often had a glass of grog when they thought the ladies had gone +upstairs. That was how, for the moment, she summed things up. + +"Good evening," she said. "I was just going down to the pillar-box to +post a letter," and she exhibited her envelope. But it dropped out of +her hand, and the Major picked it up for her. + +"I'll post it for you," he said very pleasantly. "Save you the trouble. +Insist on it. Why, there's no stamp on it! Why, there's no address on +it! I say, Puffie, here's a letter with no address on it. Forgotten the +address, Miss Mapp? Think they'll remember it at the post office? Well, +that's one of the mos' comic things I ever came across. An, an anonymous +letter, eh?" + +The night air began to have a most unfortunate effect on Puffin. When +he came out it would have been quite unfair to have described him as +drunk. He was no more than gay and ready to go to bed. Now he became +portentously solemn, as the cold mist began to do its deadly work. + +"A letter," he said impressively, "without an address is an uncommonly +dangerous thing. Hic! Can't tell into whose hands it may fall. I would +sooner go 'bout with a loaded pistol than with a letter without any +address. Send it to the bank for safety. Send for the police. Follow my +advice and send for the p'lice. Police!" + +Miss Mapp's penetrating mind instantly perceived that that dreadful +Captain Puffin was drunk, and she promised herself that Tilling should +ring with the tale of his excesses to-morrow. But Major Benjy, whom, if +she mistook not, Captain Puffin had been trying, with perhaps some small +success, to lead astray, was a gallant gentleman still, and she +conceived the brilliant but madly mistaken idea of throwing herself on +his protection. + +"Major Benjy," she said, "I will ask you to take me home. Captain Puffin +has had too much to drink----" + +"Woz that?" asked Captain Puffin, with an air of great interest. + +Miss Mapp abandoned dignity and pleasantness, and lost her temper. + +"I said you were drunk," she said with great distinctness. "Major Benjy, +will you----" + +Captain Puffin came carefully down the two steps from the door on to the +pavement. + +"Look here," he said, "this all needs 'splanation. You say I'm drunk, do +you? Well, I say you're drunk, going out like this in mill' of the night +to post letter with no 'dress on it. Shamed of yourself, mill'aged woman +going out in the mill' of the night in the mill' of Tilling. Very +shocking thing. What do you say, Major?" + +Major Benjy drew himself up to his full height, and put on his hat in +order to take it off to Miss Mapp. + +"My fren' Cap'n Puffin," he said, "is a man of strictly 'stemious +habits. Boys together. Very serious thing to call a man of my fren's +character drunk. If you call him drunk, why shouldn't he call you drunk? +Can't take away man's character like that." + +"Abso----" began Captain Puffin. Then he stopped and pulled himself +together. + +"Absolooly," he said without a hitch. + +"Tilling shall hear of this to-morrow," said Miss Mapp, shivering with +rage and sea-mist. + +Captain Puffin came a step closer. + +"Now I'll tell you what it is, Miss Mapp," he said. "If you dare to say +that I was drunk, Major and I, my fren' the Major and I will say you +were drunk. Perhaps you think my fren' the Major's drunk too. But sure's +I live, I'll say we were taking lil' walk in the moonlight and found you +trying to post a letter with no 'dress on it, and couldn't find the slit +to put it in. But 'slong as you say nothing, I say nothing. Can't say +fairer than that. Liberal terms. Mutual Protection Society. Your lips +sealed, our lips sealed. Strictly private. All trespassers will be +prosecuted. By order. Hic!" + +Miss Mapp felt that Major Benjy ought instantly to have challenged his +ignoble friend to another duel for this insolent suggestion, but he did +nothing of the kind, and his silence, which had some awful quality of +consent about it, chilled her mind, even as the sea-mist, now thick and +cold, made her certain that her nose was turning red. She still boiled +with rage, but her mind grew cold with odious apprehensions: she was +like an ice-pudding with scalding sauce.... There they all stood, veiled +in vapours, and outlined by the red light that streamed from the +still-open door of the intoxicated Puffin, getting colder every moment. + +"Yessorno," said Puffin, with chattering teeth. + +Bitter as it was to accept those outrageous terms, there really seemed, +without the Major's support, to be no way out of it. + +"Yes," said Miss Mapp. + +Puffin gave a loud crow. + +"The ayes have it, Major," he said. "So we're all frens again. Goonight +everybody." + + * * * * * + +Miss Mapp let herself into her house in an agony of mortification. She +could scarcely realize that her little expedition, undertaken with so +much ardent and earnest curiosity only a quarter of an hour ago, had +ended in so deplorable a surfeit of sensation. She had gone out in +obedience to an innocent and, indeed, laudable desire to ascertain how +Major Benjy spent those evenings on which he had deceived her into +imagining that, owing to her influence, he had gone ever so early to +bed, only to find that he sat up ever so late and that she was fettered +by a promise not to breathe to a soul a single word about the depravity +of Captain Puffin, on pain of being herself accused out of the mouth of +two witnesses of being equally depraved herself. More wounding yet was +the part played by her Major Benjy in these odious transactions, and it +was only possible to conclude that he put a higher value on his +fellowship with his degraded friend than on chivalry itself.... And what +did his silence imply? Probably it was a defensive one; he imagined that +he, too, would be included in the stories that Miss Mapp proposed to +sow broadcast upon the fruitful fields of Tilling, and, indeed, when she +called to mind his bellowing about worm-casts, his general instability +of speech and equilibrium, she told herself that he had ample cause for +such a supposition. He, when his lights were out, was abetting, +assisting and perhaps joining Captain Puffin. When his window was alight +on alternate nights she made no doubt now that Captain Puffin was +performing a similar role. This had been going on for weeks under her +very nose, without her having the smallest suspicion of it. + +Humiliated by all that had happened, and flattened in her own estimation +by the sense of her blindness, she penetrated to the kitchen and lit a +gas-ring to make herself some hot cocoa, which would at least comfort +her physical chatterings. There was a letter for Withers, slipped +sideways into its envelope, on the kitchen table, and mechanically she +opened and read it by the bluish flame of the burner. She had always +suspected Withers of having a young man, and here was proof of it. But +that he should be Mr. Hopkins of the fish-shop! + +There is known to medical science a pleasant device known as a +counter-irritant. If the patient has an aching and rheumatic joint he is +counselled to put some hot burning application on the skin, which smarts +so agonizingly that the ache is quite extinguished. Metaphorically, Mr. +Hopkins was thermogene to Miss Mapp's outraged and aching consciousness, +and the smart occasioned by the knowledge that Withers must have +encouraged Mr. Hopkins (else he could scarcely have written a letter so +familiar and amorous), and thus be contemplating matrimony, relieved the +aching humiliation of all that had happened in the sea-mist. It shed a +new and lurid light on Withers, it made her mistress feel that she had +nourished a serpent in her bosom, to think that Withers was +contemplating so odious an act of selfishness as matrimony. It would be +necessary to find a new parlour-maid, and all the trouble connected with +that would not nearly be compensated for by being able to buy fish at a +lower rate. That was the least that Withers could do for her, to insist +that Mr. Hopkins should let her have dabs and plaice exceptionally +cheap. And ought she to tell Withers that she had seen Mr. Hopkins ... +no, that was impossible: she must write it, if she decided (for Withers' +sake) to make this fell communication. + +Miss Mapp turned and tossed on her uneasy bed, and her mind went back to +the Major and the Captain and that fiasco in the fog. Of course she was +perfectly at liberty (having made her promise under practical +compulsion) to tell everybody in Tilling what had occurred, trusting to +the chivalry of the men not to carry out their counter threat, but +looking at the matter quite dispassionately, she did not think it would +be wise to trust too much to chivalry. Still, even if they did carry out +their unmanly menace, nobody would seriously believe that she had been +drunk. But they might make a very disagreeable joke of pretending to do +so, and, in a word, the prospect frightened her. Whatever Tilling did or +did not believe, a residuum of ridicule would assuredly cling to her, +and her reputation of having perhaps been the cause of the quarrel +which, so happily did not end in a duel, would be lost for ever. Evie +would squeak, quaint Irene would certainly burst into hoarse laughter +when she heard the story. It was very inconvenient that honesty should +be the best policy. + +Her brain still violently active switched off for a moment on to the +eternal problem of the portmanteau. Why, so she asked herself for the +hundredth time, if the portmanteau contained the fatal apparatus of +duelling, did not the combatants accompany it? And if (the only other +alternative) it did not----? + +An idea so luminous flashed across her brain that she almost thought the +room had leaped into light. The challenge distinctly said that Major +Benjy's seconds would wait upon Captain Puffin in the course of the +morning. With what object then could the former have gone down to the +station to catch the early train? There could be but one object, namely +to get away as quickly as possible from the dangerous vicinity of the +challenged Captain. And why did Captain Puffin leave that note on his +table to say that he was suddenly called away, except in order to escape +from the ferocious neighbourhood of his challenger? + +"The cowards!" ejaculated Miss Mapp. "They both ran away from each +other! How blind I've been!" + +The veil was rent. She perceived how, carried away with the notion that +a duel was to be fought among the sand-dunes, Tilling had quite +overlooked the significance of the early train. She felt sure that she +had solved everything now, and gave herself up to a rapturous +consideration of what use she would make of the precious solution. All +regrets for the impossibility of ruining the character of Captain Puffin +with regard to intoxicants were gone, for she had an even deadlier +blacking to hand. No faintest hesitation at ruining the reputation of +Major Benjy as well crossed her mind; she gloried in it, for he had not +only caused her to deceive herself about the early hours on alternate +nights, but by his infamous willingness to back up Captain Puffin's +bargain, he had shown himself imperviously waterproof to all chivalrous +impulses. For weeks now the sorry pair of them had enjoyed the spurious +splendours of being men of blood and valour, when all the time they had +put themselves to all sorts of inconvenience in catching early trains +and packing bags by candle-light in order to escape the hot impulses of +quarrel that, as she saw now, were probably derived from drained +whisky-bottles. That mysterious holloaing about worm-casts was just such +another disagreement. And, crowning rapture of all, her own position as +cause of the projected duel was quite unassailed. Owing to her silence +about drink, no one would suspect a mere drunken brawl: she would still +figure as heroine, though the heroes were terribly dismantled. To be +sure, it would have been better if their ardour about her had been such +that one of them, at the least, had been prepared to face the ordeal, +that they had not both preferred flight, but even without that she had +much to be thankful for. "It will serve them both," said Miss Mapp +(interrupted by a sneeze, for she had been sitting up in bed for quite a +considerable time), "right." + +To one of Miss Mapp's experience, the first step of her new and +delightful strategic campaign was obvious, and she spent hardly any time +at all in the window of her garden-room after breakfast next morning, +but set out with her shopping-basket at an unusually early hour. She +shuddered as she passed between the front doors of her miscreant +neighbours, for the chill of last night's mist and its dreadful memories +still lingered there, but her present errand warmed her soul even as the +tepid November day comforted her body. No sign of life was at present +evident in those bibulous abodes, no qui-his had indicated breakfast, +and she put her utmost irony into the reflection that the United +Services slept late after their protracted industry last night over +diaries and Roman roads. By a natural revulsion, violent in proportion +to the depth of her previous regard for Major Benjy, she hugged herself +more closely on the prospect of exposing him than on that of exposing +the other. She had had daydreams about Major Benjy and the conversion of +these into nightmares annealed her softness into the semblance of some +red-hot stone, giving vengeance a concentrated sweetness as of +saccharine contrasted with ordinary lump sugar. This sweetness was of so +powerful a quality that she momentarily forgot all about the contents of +Withers's letter on the kitchen table, and tripped across to Mr. +Hopkins's with an oblivious smile for him. + +"Good morning, Mr. Hopkins," she said. "I wonder if you've got a nice +little dab for my dinner to-day? Yes? Will you send it up then, please? +What a mild morning, like May!" + +The opening move, of course, was to tell Diva about the revelation that +had burst on her the night before. Diva was incomparably the best +disseminator of news: she walked so fast, and her telegraphic style was +so brisk and lucid. Her terse tongue, her revolving feet! Such a gossip! + +"Diva darling, I had to look in a moment," said Elizabeth, pecking her +affectionately on both cheeks. "Such a bit of news!" + +"Oh, Contessa di Faradidleony," said Diva sarcastically. "I heard +yesterday. Journey put off." + +Miss Mapp just managed to stifle the excitement which would have +betrayed that this was news to her. + +"No, dear, not that," she said. "I didn't suspect you of not knowing +that. Unfortunate though, isn't it, just when we were all beginning to +believe that there was a Contessa di Faradidleony! What a sweet name! +For my part I shall believe in her when I see her. Poor Mr. Wyse!" + +"What's the news then?" asked Diva. + +"My dear, it all came upon me in a flash," said Elizabeth. "It explains +the portmanteau and the early train and the duel." + +Diva looked disappointed. She thought this was to be some solid piece of +news, not one of Elizabeth's ideas only. + +"Drive ahead," she said. + +"They ran away from each other," said Elizabeth, mouthing her words as +if speaking to a totally deaf person who understood lip-reading. "Never +mind the cause of the duel: that's another affair. But whatever the +cause," here she dropped her eyes, "the Major having sent the challenge +packed his portmanteau. He ran away, dear Diva, and met Captain Puffin +at the station running away too." + +"But did----" began Diva. + +"Yes, dear, the note on Captain Puffin's table to his housekeeper said +he was called away suddenly. What called him away? Cowardice, dear! How +ignoble it all is. And we've all been thinking how brave and wonderful +they were. They fled from each other, and came back together and played +golf. I never thought it was a game for men. The sand-dunes where they +were supposed to be fighting! They might lose a ball there, but that +would be the utmost. Not a life. Poor Padre! Going out there to stop a +duel, and only finding a game of golf. But I understand the nature of +men better now. What an eye-opener!" + +Diva by this time was trundling away round the room, and longing to be +off in order to tell everybody. She could find no hole in Elizabeth's +arguments; it was founded as solidly as a Euclidean proposition. + +"Ever occurred to you that they drink?" she asked. "Believe in Roman +roads and diaries? I don't." + +Miss Mapp bounded from her chair. Danger flags flapped and crimsoned in +her face. What if Diva went flying round Tilling, suggesting that in +addition to being cowards those two men were drunkards? They would, as +soon as any hint of the further exposure reached them, conclude that she +had set the idea on foot, and then---- + +"No, Diva darling," she said, "don't dream of imagining such a thing. So +dangerous to hint anything of the sort. Cowards they may be, and indeed +are, but never have I seen anything that leads me to suppose that they +drink. We must give them their due, and stick to what we know; we must +not launch accusations wildly about other matters, just because we know +they are cowards. A coward need not be a drunkard, thank God! It is all +miserable enough, as it is!" + +Having averted this danger, Miss Mapp, with her radiant, excited face, +seemed to be bearing all the misery very courageously, and as Diva could +no longer be restrained from starting on her morning round they plunged +together into the maelstrom of the High Street, riding and whirling in +its waters with the solution of the portmanteau and the early train for +life-buoy. Very little shopping was done that morning, for every +permutation and combination of Tilling society (with the exception, of +course, of the cowards) had to be formed on the pavement with a view to +the amplest possible discussion. Diva, as might have been expected, gave +proof of her accustomed perfidy before long, for she certainly gave +the Padre to understand that the chain of inductive reasoning was of +her own welding and Elizabeth had to hurry after him to correct this +grabbing impression; but the discovery in itself was so great, that +small false notes like these could not spoil the glorious harmony. Even +Mr. Wyse abandoned his usual neutrality with regard to social politics +and left his tall malacca cane in the chemist's, so keen was his gusto, +on seeing Miss Mapp on the pavement outside, to glean any fresh detail +of evidence. + +By eleven o'clock that morning, the two duellists were universally known +as "the cowards," the Padre alone demurring, and being swampingly +outvoted. He held (sticking up for his sex) that the Major had been +brave enough to send a challenge (on whatever subject) to his friend, +and had, though he subsequently failed to maintain that high level, +shown courage of a high order, since, for all he knew, Captain Puffin +might have accepted it. Miss Mapp was spokesman for the mind of Tilling +on this too indulgent judgment. + +"Dear Padre," she said, "you are too generous altogether. They both ran +away: you can't get over that. Besides you must remember that, when the +Major sent the challenge, he knew Captain Puffin, oh so well, and quite +expected he would run away----" + +"Then why did he run away himself?" asked the Padre. + +This was rather puzzling for a moment, but Miss Mapp soon thought of the +explanation. + +"Oh, just to make sure," she said, and Tilling applauded her ready +irony. + +And then came the climax of sensationalism, when at about ten minutes +past eleven the two cowards emerged into the High Street on their way to +catch the 11.20 tram out to the links. The day threatened rain, and +they both carried bags which contained a change of clothes. Just round +the corner of the High Street was the group which had applauded Miss +Mapp's quickness, and the cowards were among the breakers. They glanced +at each other, seeing that Miss Mapp was the most towering of the +breakers, but it was too late to retreat, and they made the usual +salutations. + +"Good morning," said Diva, with her voice trembling. "Off to catch the +early train together--I mean the tram." + +"Good morning, Captain Puffin," said Miss Mapp with extreme sweetness. +"What a nice little travelling bag! Oh, and the Major's got one too! +H'm!" + +A certain dismay looked from Major Flint's eyes, Captain Puffin's mouth +fell open, and he forgot to shut it. + +"Yes; change of clothes," said the Major. "It looks a threatening +morning." + +"Very threatening," said Miss Mapp. "I hope you will do nothing rash or +dangerous." + +There was a moment's silence, and the two looked from one face to +another of this fell group. They all wore fixed, inexplicable smiles. + +"It will be pleasant among the sand-dunes," said the Padre, and his wife +gave a loud squeak. + +"Well, we shall be missing our tram," said the Major. "Au--au reservoir, +ladies." + +Nobody responded at all, and they hurried off down the street, their +bags bumping together very inconveniently. + +"Something's up, Major," said Puffin, with true Tilling perspicacity, as +soon as they had got out of hearing.... + + * * * * * + +Precisely at the same moment Miss Mapp gave a little cooing laugh. + +"Now I must run and do my bittie shopping, Padre," she said, and kissed +her hand all round.... The curtain had to come down for a little while +on so dramatic a situation. Any discussion, just then, would be an +anti-climax. + + + + +CHAPTER IX + + +Captain Puffin found but a sombre diarist when he came over to study his +Roman roads with Major Flint that evening, and indeed he was a sombre +antiquarian himself. They had pondered a good deal during the day over +their strange reception in the High Street that morning and the +recondite allusions to bags, sand-dunes and early trains, and the more +they pondered the more probable it became that not only was something +up, but, as regards the duel, everything was up. For weeks now they had +been regarded by the ladies of Tilling with something approaching +veneration, but there seemed singularly little veneration at the back of +the comments this morning. Following so closely on the encounter with +Miss Mapp last night, this irreverent attitude was probably due to some +atheistical manoeuvre of hers. Such, at least, was the Major's view, and +when he held a view he usually stated it, did Sporting Benjy. + +"We've got you to thank for this, Puffin," he said. "Upon my soul, I was +ashamed of you for saying what you did to Miss Mapp last night. Utter +absence of any chivalrous feeling hinting that if she said you were +drunk you would say she was. She was as sober and lucid last night as +she was this morning. And she was devilish lucid, to my mind, this +morning." + +"Pity you didn't take her part last night," said Puffin. "You thought +that was a very ingenious idea of mine to make her hold her tongue." + +"There are finer things in this world, sir, than ingenuity," said the +Major. "What your ingenuity has led to is this public ridicule. You may +not mind that yourself--you may be used to it--but a man should regard +the consequences of his act on others.... My status in Tilling is +completely changed. Changed for the worse, sir." + +Puffin emitted his fluty, disagreeable laugh. + +"If your status in Tilling depended on a reputation for bloodthirsty +bravery," he said, "the sooner it was changed the better. We're in the +same boat: I don't say I like the boat, but there we are. Have a drink, +and you'll feel better. Never mind your status." + +"I've a good mind never to have a drink again," said the Major, pouring +himself out one of his stiff little glasses, "if a drink leads to this +sort of thing." + +"But it didn't," said Puffin. "How it all got out, I can't say, nor for +that matter can you. If it hadn't been for me last night, it would have +been all over Tilling that you and I were tipsy as well. That wouldn't +have improved our status that I can see." + +"It was in consequence of what you said to Mapp----" began the Major. + +"But, good Lord, where's the connection?" asked Puffin. "Produce the +connection! Let's have a look at the connection! There ain't any +connection! Duelling wasn't as much as mentioned last night." + +Major Flint pondered this in gloomy, sipping silence. + +"Bridge-party at Mrs. Poppit's the day after to-morrow," he said. "I +don't feel as if I could face it. Suppose they all go on making +allusions to duelling and early trains and that? I shan't be able to +keep my mind on the cards for fear of it. More than a sensitive man +ought to be asked to bear." + +Puffin made a noise that sounded rather like "Fudge!" + +"Your pardon?" said the Major haughtily. + +"Granted by all means," said Puffin. "But I don't see what you're in +such a taking about. We're no worse off than we were before we got a +reputation for being such fire-eaters. Being fire-eaters is a wash-out, +that's all. Pleasant while it lasted, and now we're as we were." + +"But we're not," said the Major. "We're detected frauds! That's not the +same as being a fraud; far from it. And who's going to rub it in, my +friend? Who's been rubbing away for all she's worth? Miss Mapp, to whom, +if I may say so without offence, you behaved like a cur last night." + +"And another cur stood by and wagged his tail," retorted Puffin. + +This was about as far as it was safe to go, and Puffin hastened to say +something pleasant about the hearthrug, to which his friend had a +suitable rejoinder. But after the affair last night, and the dark +sayings in the High Street this morning, there was little content or +cosiness about the session. Puffin's brazen optimism was but a tinkling +cymbal, and the Major did not feel like tinkling at all. He but snorted +and glowered, revolving in his mind how to square Miss Mapp. Allied with +her, if she could but be won over, he felt he could face the rest of +Tilling with indifference, for hers would be the most penetrating +shafts, the most stinging pleasantries. He had more too, so he +reflected, to lose than Puffin, for till the affair of the duel the +other had never been credited with deeds of bloodthirsty gallantry, +whereas he had enjoyed no end of a reputation in amorous and honourable +affairs. Marriage no doubt would settle it satisfactorily, but this +bachelor life, with plenty of golf and diaries, was not to be lightly +exchanged for the unknown. Short of that ... + +A light broke, and he got to his feet, following the gleam and walking +very lame out of general discomfiture. + +"Tell you what it is, Puffin," he said. "You and I, particularly you, +owe that estimable lady a very profound apology for what happened last +night. You ought to withdraw every word you said, and I every word that +I didn't say." + +"Can't be done," said Puffin. "That would be giving up my hold over your +lady friend. We should be known as drunkards all over the shop before +you could say winkie. Worse off than before." + +"Not a bit of it. If it's Miss Mapp, and I'm sure it is, who has been +spreading these--these damaging rumours about our duel, it's because +she's outraged and offended, quite rightly, at your conduct to her last +night. Mine, too, if you like. Ample apology, sir, that's the ticket." + +"Dog-ticket," said Puffin. "No thanks." + +"Very objectionable expression," said Major Flint. "But you shall do as +you like. And so, with your permission, shall I. I shall apologize for +my share in that sorry performance, in which, thank God, I only played a +minor role. That's my view, and if you don't like it, you may dislike +it." + +Puffin yawned. + +"Mapp's a cat," he said. "Stroke a cat and you'll get scratched. Shy a +brick at a cat, and she'll spit at you and skedaddle. You're poor +company to-night, Major, with all these qualms." + +"Then, sir, you can relieve yourself of my company," said the Major, "by +going home." + +"Just what I was about to do. Good night, old boy. Same time to-morrow +for the tram, if you're not too badly mauled." + +Miss Mapp, sitting by the hot-water pipes in the garden-room, looked out +not long after to see what the night was like. Though it was not yet +half-past ten the cowards' sitting-rooms were both dark, and she +wondered what precisely that meant. There was no bridge-party anywhere +that night, and apparently there were no diaries or Roman roads either. +Why this sober and chastened darkness?... + +The Major qui-hied for his breakfast at an unusually early hour next +morning, for the courage of this resolve to placate, if possible, the +hostility of Miss Mapp had not, like that of the challenge, oozed out +during the night. He had dressed himself in his frock-coat, seen last on +the occasion when the Prince of Wales proved not to have come by the +6.37, and no female breast however furious could fail to recognize the +compliment of such a formality. Dressed thus, with top-hat and +patent-leather boots, he was clearly observed from the garden-room to +emerge into the street just when Captain Puffin's hand thrust the sponge +on to the window-sill of his bath-room. Probably he too had observed +this apparition, for his fingers prematurely loosed hold of the sponge, +and it bounded into the street. Wild surmises flashed into Miss Mapp's +active brain, the most likely of which was that Major Benjy was going to +propose to Mrs. Poppit, for if he had been going up to London for some +ceremonial occasion, he would be walking down the street instead of up +it. And then she saw his agitated finger press the electric bell of her +own door. So he was not on his way to propose to Mrs. Poppit.... + +She slid from the room and hurried across the few steps of garden to +the house just in time to intercept Withers though not with any idea of +saying that she was out. Then Withers, according to instructions, waited +till Miss Mapp had tiptoed upstairs, and conducted the Major to the +garden-room, promising that she would "tell" her mistress. This was +unnecessary, as her mistress knew. The Major pressed a half-crown into +her astonished hand, thinking it was a florin. He couldn't precisely +account for that impulse, but general propitiation was at the bottom of +it. + +Miss Mapp meantime had sat down on her bed, and firmly rejected the idea +that his call had anything to do with marriage. During all these years +of friendliness he had not got so far as that, and, whatever the future +might hold, it was not likely that he would begin now at this moment +when she was so properly punishing him for his unchivalrous behaviour. +But what could the frock-coat mean? (There was Captain Puffin's servant +picking up the sponge. She hoped it was covered with mud.) It would be a +very just continuation of his punishment to tell Withers she would not +see him, but the punishment which that would entail on herself would be +more than she could bear, for she would not know a moment's peace while +she was ignorant of the nature of his errand. Could he be on his way to +the Padre's to challenge him for that very stinging allusion to +sand-dunes yesterday, and was he come to give her fair warning, so that +she might stop a duel? It did not seem likely. Unable to bear the +suspense any longer, she adjusted her face in the glass to an expression +of frozen dignity and threw over her shoulders the cloak trimmed with +blue in which, on the occasion of the Prince's visit, she had sat down +in the middle of the road. That matched the Major's frock-coat. + +She hummed a little song as she mounted the few steps to the +garden-room, and stopped just after she had opened the door. She did not +offer to shake hands. + +"You wish to see me, Major Flint?" she said, in such a voice as icebergs +might be supposed to use when passing each other by night in the Arctic +seas. + +Major Flint certainly looked as if he hated seeing her, instead of +wishing it, for he backed into a corner of the room and dropped his hat. + +"Good morning, Miss Mapp," he said. "Very good of you. I--I called." + +He clearly had a difficulty in saying what he had come to say, but if he +thought that she was proposing to give him the smallest assistance, he +was in error. + +"Yes, you called," said she. "Pray be seated." + +He did so; she stood; he got up again. + +"I called," said the Major, "I called to express my very deep regret at +my share, or, rather, that I did not take a more active share--I +allowed, in fact, a friend of mine to speak to you in a manner that did +equal discredit----" + +Miss Mapp put her head on one side, as if trying to recollect some +trivial and unimportant occurrence. + +"Yes?" she said. "What was that?" + +"Captain Puffin," began the Major. + +Then Miss Mapp remembered it all. + +"I hope, Major Flint," she said, "that you will not find it necessary to +mention Captain Puffin's name to me. I wish him nothing but well, but he +and his are no concern of mine. I have the charity to suppose that he +was quite drunk on the occasion to which I imagine you allude. +Intoxication alone could excuse what he said. Let us leave Captain +Puffin out of whatever you have come to say to me." + +This was adroit; it compelled the Major to begin all over again. + +"I come entirely on my own account," he began. + +"I understand," said Miss Mapp, instantly bringing Captain Puffin in +again. "Captain Puffin, now I presume sober, has no regret for what he +said when drunk. I quite see, and I expected no more and no less from +him. Yes. I am afraid I interrupted you." + +Major Flint threw his friend overboard like ballast from a bumping +balloon. + +"I speak for myself," he said. "I behaved, Miss Mapp, like a--ha--worm. +Defenceless lady, insolent fellow drunk--I allude to Captain P----. I'm +very sorry for my part in it." + +Up till this moment Miss Mapp had not made up her mind whether she +intended to forgive him or not; but here she saw how crushing a penalty +she might be able to inflict on Puffin if she forgave the erring and +possibly truly repentant Major. He had already spoken strongly about his +friend's offence, and she could render life supremely nasty for them +both--particularly Puffin--if she made the Major agree that he could +not, if truly sorry, hold further intercourse with him. There would be +no more golf, no more diaries. Besides, if she was observed to be +friendly with the Major again and to cut Captain Puffin, a very natural +interpretation would be that she had learned that in the original +quarrel the Major had been defending her from some odious tongue to the +extent of a challenge, even though he subsequently ran away. Tilling was +quite clever enough to make that inference without any suggestion from +her.... But if she forgave neither of them, they would probably go on +boozing and golfing together, and saying quite dreadful things about +her, and not care very much whether she forgave them or not. Her mind +was made up, and she gave a wan smile. + +"Oh, Major Flint," she said, "it hurt me so dreadfully that you should +have stood by and heard that Man--if he is a man--say those awful things +to me and not take my side. It made me feel so lonely. I had always been +such good friends with you, and then you turned your back on me like +that. I didn't know what I had done to deserve it. I lay awake ever so +long." + +This was affecting, and he violently rubbed the nap of his hat the wrong +way.... Then Miss Mapp broke into her sunniest smile. + +"Oh, I'm so glad you came to say you were sorry!" she said. "Dear Major +Benjy, we're quite friends again." + +She dabbed her handkerchief on her eyes. + +"So foolish of me!" she said. "Now sit down in my most comfortable chair +and have a cigarette." + +Major Flint made a peck at the hand she extended to him, and cleared his +throat to indicate emotion. It really was a great relief to think that +she would not make awful allusions to duels in the middle of +bridge-parties. + +"And since you feel as you do about Captain Puffin," she said, "of +course, you won't see anything more of him. You and I are quite one, +aren't we, about that? You have dissociated yourself from him +completely. The fact of your being sorry does that." + +It was quite clear to the Major that this condition was involved in his +forgiveness, though that fact, so obvious to Miss Mapp, had not occurred +to him before. Still, he had to accept it, or go unhouseled again. He +could explain to Puffin, under cover of night, or perhaps in +deaf-and-dumb alphabet from his window.... + +"Infamous, unforgivable behaviour!" he said. "Pah!" + +"So glad you feel that," said Miss Mapp, smiling till he saw the entire +row of her fine teeth. "And oh, may I say one little thing more? I feel +this: I feel that the dreadful shock to me of being insulted like that +was quite a lovely little blessing in disguise, now that the effect has +been to put an end to your intimacy with him. I never liked it, and I +liked it less than ever the other night. He's not a fit friend for you. +Oh, I'm so thankful!" + +Major Flint saw that for the present he was irrevocably committed to +this clause in the treaty of peace. He could not face seeing it torn up +again, as it certainly would be, if he failed to accept it in its +entirety, nor could he imagine himself leaving the room with a renewal +of hostilities. He would lose his game of golf to-day as it was, for +apart from the fact that he would scarcely have time to change his +clothes (the idea of playing golf in a frock-coat and top-hat was +inconceivable) and catch the 11.20 tram, he could not be seen in +Puffin's company at all. And, indeed, in the future, unless Puffin could +be induced to apologize and Miss Mapp to forgive, he saw, if he was to +play golf at all with his friend, that endless deceptions and +subterfuges were necessary in order to escape detection. One of them +would have to set out ten minutes before the other, and walk to the tram +by some unusual and circuitous route; they would have to play in a +clandestine and furtive manner, parting company before they got to the +club-house; disguises might be needful; there was a peck of difficulties +ahead. But he would have to go into these later; at present he must be +immersed in the rapture of his forgiveness. + +"Most generous of you, Miss Elizabeth," he said. "As for that--well, I +won't allude to him again." + +Miss Mapp gave a happy little laugh, and having made a further plan, +switched away from the subject of captains and insults with alacrity. + +"Look!" she said. "I found these little rosebuds in flower still, though +it is the end of November. Such brave little darlings, aren't they? One +for your button-hole, Major Benjy? And then I must do my little +shoppings or Withers will scold me--Withers is so severe with me, keeps +me in such order! If you are going into the town, will you take me with +you? I will put on my hat." + +Requests for the present were certainly commands, and two minutes later +they set forth. Luck, as usual, befriended ability, for there was Puffin +at his door, itching for the Major's return (else they would miss the +tram); and lo! there came stepping along Miss Mapp in her blue-trimmed +cloak, and the Major attired as for marriage--top-hat, frock-coat and +button-hole. She did not look at Puffin and cut him; she did not seem +(with the deceptiveness of appearances) to see him at all, so eager and +agreeable was her conversation with her companion. The Major, so Puffin +thought, attempted to give him some sort of dazed and hunted glance; but +he could not be certain even of that, so swiftly had it to be +transformed into a genial interest in what Miss Mapp was saying, and +Puffin stared open-mouthed after them, for they were terrible as an army +with banners. Then Diva, trundling swiftly out of the fish-shop, came, +as well she might, to a dead halt, observing this absolutely +inexplicable phenomenon. + +"Good morning, Diva darling," said Miss Mapp. "Major Benjy and I are +doing our little shopping together. So kind of him, isn't it? and very +naughty of me to take up his time. I told him he ought to be playing +golf. Such a lovely day! Au reservoir, sweet! Oh, and there's the Padre, +Major Benjy! How quickly he walks! Yes, he sees us! And there's Mrs. +Poppit; everybody is enjoying the sunshine. What a beautiful fur coat, +though I should think she found it very heavy and warm. Good morning, +dear Susan! You shopping, too, like Major Benjy and me? How is your dear +Isabel?" + +Miss Mapp made the most of that morning; the magnanimity of her +forgiveness earned her incredible dividends. Up and down the High Street +she went, with Major Benjy in attendance, buying grocery, stationery, +gloves, eau-de-Cologne, boot-laces, the "Literary Supplement" of _The +Times_, dried camomile flowers, and every conceivable thing that she +might possibly need in the next week, so that her shopping might be as +protracted as possible. She allowed him (such was her firmness in +"spoiling" him) to carry her shopping-basket, and when that was full, +she decked him like a sacrificial ram with little parcels hung by loops +of string. Sometimes she took him into a shop in case there might be +someone there who had not seen him yet on her leash; sometimes she left +him on the pavement in a prominent position, marking, all the time, just +as if she had been a clinical thermometer, the feverish curiosity that +was burning in Tilling's veins. Only yesterday she had spread the news +of his cowardice broadcast; to-day their comradeship was of the +chattiest and most genial kind. There he was, carrying her basket, and +wearing frock-coat and top-hat and hung with parcels like a +Christmas-tree, spending the entire morning with her instead of golfing +with Puffin. Miss Mapp positively shuddered as she tried to realize what +her state of mind would have been, if she had seen him thus coupled +with Diva. She would have suspected (rightly in all probability) some +loathsome intrigue against herself. And the cream of it was that until +she chose, nobody could possibly find out what had caused this +metamorphosis so paralysing to inquiring intellects, for Major Benjy +would assuredly never tell anyone that there was a reconciliation, due +to his apology for his rudeness, when he had stood by and permitted an +intoxicated Puffin to suggest disgraceful bargains. Tilling--poor +Tilling--would go crazy with suspense as to what it all meant. + +Never had there been such a shopping! It was nearly lunch-time when, at +her front door, Major Flint finally stripped himself of her parcels and +her companionship and hobbled home, profusely perspiring, and lame from +so much walking on pavements in tight patent-leather shoes. He was weary +and footsore; he had had no golf, and, though forgiven, was but a wreck. +She had made him ridiculous all the morning with his frock-coat and +top-hat and his porterages, and if forgiveness entailed any more of +these nightmare sacraments of friendliness, he felt that he would be +unable to endure the fatiguing accessories of the regenerate state. He +hung up his top-hat and wiped his wet and throbbing head; he kicked off +his shoes and shed his frock-coat, and furiously qui-hied for a whisky +and soda and lunch. + +His physical restoration was accompanied by a quickening of dismay at +the general prospect. What (to put it succinctly) was life worth, even +when unharassed by allusions to duels, without the solace of golf, +quarrels and diaries in the companionship of Puffin? He hated Puffin--no +one more so--but he could not possibly get on without him, and it was +entirely due to Puffin that he had spent so outrageous a morning, for +Puffin, seeking to silence Miss Mapp by his intoxicated bargain, had +been the prime cause of all this misery. He could not even, for fear of +that all-seeing eye in Miss Mapp's garden-room, go across to the house +of the unforgiven sea-captain, and by a judicious recital of his woes +induce him to beg Miss Mapp's forgiveness instantly. He would have to +wait till the kindly darkness fell.... "Mere slavery!" he exclaimed with +passion. + +A tap at his sitting-room door interrupted the chain of these melancholy +reflections, and his permission to enter was responded to by Puffin +himself. The Major bounced from his seat. + +"You mustn't stop here," he said in a low voice, as if afraid that he +might be overheard. "Miss Mapp may have seen you come in." + +Puffin laughed shrilly. + +"Why, of course she did," he gaily assented. "She was at her window all +right. Ancient lights, I shall call her. What's this all about now?" + +"You must go back," said Major Flint agitatedly. "She must see you go +back. I can't explain now. But I'll come across after dinner when it's +dark. Go; don't wait." + +He positively hustled the mystified Puffin out of the house, and Miss +Mapp's face, which had grown sharp and pointed with doubts and +suspicions when she observed him enter Major Benjy's house, dimpled, as +she saw him return, into her sunniest smiles. "Dear Major Benjy," she +said, "he has refused to see him," and she cut the string of the large +cardboard box which had just arrived from the dyer's with the most +pleasurable anticipations.... + +Well, it was certainly very magnificent, and Miss Greele was quite +right, for there was not the faintest tinge to show that it had +originally been kingfisher-blue. She had not quite realized how +brilliant crimson-lake was in the piece; it seemed almost to cast a +ruddy glow on the very ceiling, and the fact that she had caused the +orange chiffon with which the neck and sleeves were trimmed to be dyed +black (following the exquisite taste of Mrs. Titus Trout) only threw the +splendour of the rest into more dazzling radiance. Kingfisher-blue would +appear quite ghostly and corpse-like in its neighbourhood; and painful +though that would be for Diva, it would, as all her well-wishers must +hope, be a lesson to her not to indulge in such garishness. She should +be taught her lesson (D.V.), thought Miss Mapp, at Susan's bridge-party +to-morrow evening. Captain Puffin was being taught a lesson, too, for we +are never too old to learn, or, for that matter, to teach. + +Though the night was dark and moonless, there was an inconveniently +brilliant gas-lamp close to the Major's door, and that strategist, +carrying his round roll of diaries, much the shape of a bottle, under +his coat, went about half-past nine that evening to look at the +rain-gutter which had been weeping into his yard, and let himself out of +the back-door round the corner. From there he went down past the +fishmonger's, crossed the road, and doubled back again up Puffin's side +of the street, which was not so vividly illuminated, though he took the +precaution of making himself little with bent knees, and of limping. +Puffin was already warming himself over the fire and imbibing Roman +roads, and was disposed to be hilarious over the Major's shopping. + +"But why top-hat and frock-coat, Major?" he asked. "Another visit of the +Prince of Wales, I asked myself, or the Voice that breathed o'er Eden? +Have a drink--one of mine, I mean? I owe you a drink for the good laugh +you gave me." + +Had it not been for this generosity and the need of getting on the right +side of Puffin, Major Flint would certainly have resented such clumsy +levity, but this double consideration caused him to take it with +unwonted good-humour. His attempt to laugh, indeed, sounded a little +hollow, but that is the habit of self-directed merriment. + +"Well, I allow it must have seemed amusing," he said. "The fact was that +I thought she would appreciate my putting a little ceremony into my +errand of apology, and then she whisked me off shopping before I could +go and change." + +"Kiss and friends again, then?" asked Puffin. + +The Major grew a little stately over this. + +"No such familiarity passed," he said. "But she accepted my regrets +with--ha--the most gracious generosity. A fine-spirited woman, sir; +you'll find the same." + +"I might if I looked for it," said Puffin. "But why should I want to +make it up? You've done that, and that prevents her talking about +duelling and early trains. She can't mock at me because of you. You +might pass me back my bottle, if you've taken your drink." + +The Major reluctantly did so. + +"You must please yourself, old boy," he said. "It's your business, and +no one's ever said that Benjy Flint interfered in another man's affairs. +But I trust you will do what good feeling indicates. I hope you value +our jolly games of golf and our pleasant evenings sufficiently highly." + +"Eh! how's that?" asked Puffin. "You going to cut me too?" + +The Major sat down and put his large feet on the fender. "Tact and +diplomacy, Benjy, my boy," he reminded himself. + +"Ha! That's what I like," he said, "a good fire and a friend, and the +rest of the world may go hang. There's no question of cutting, old man; +I needn't tell you that--but we must have one of our good talks. For +instance, I very unceremoniously turned you out of my house this +afternoon, and I owe you an explanation of that. I'll give it you in one +word: Miss Mapp saw you come in. She didn't see me come in here this +evening--ha! ha!--and that's why I can sit at my ease. But if she +knew----" + +Puffin guessed. + +"What has happened, Major, is that you've thrown me over for Miss Mapp," +he observed. + +"No, sir, I have not," said the Major with emphasis. "Should I be +sitting here and drinking your whisky if I had? But this morning, after +that lady had accepted my regret for my share in what occurred the other +night, she assumed that since I condemned my own conduct unreservedly, I +must equally condemn yours. It really was like a conjuring trick; the +thing was done before I knew anything about it. And before I'd had time +to say, 'Hold on a bit,' I was being led up and down the High Street, +carrying as much merchandise as a drove of camels. God, sir, I suffered +this morning; you don't seem to realize that I suffered; I couldn't +stand any more mornings like that: I haven't the stamina." + +"A powerful woman," said Puffin reflectively. + +"You may well say that," observed Major Flint. "That is finely said. A +powerful woman she is, with a powerful tongue, and able to be powerful +nasty, and if she sees you and me on friendly terms again, she'll turn +the full hose on to us both unless you make it up with her." + +"H'm, yes. But as likely as not she'll tell me and my apologies to go +hang." + +"Have a try, old man," said the Major encouragingly. + +Puffin looked at his whisky-bottle. + +"Help yourself, Major," he said. "I think you'll have to help me out, +you know. Go and interview her: see if there's a chance of my favourable +reception." + +"No, sir," said the Major firmly, "I will not run the risk of another +morning's shopping in the High Street." + +"You needn't. Watch till she comes back from her shopping to-morrow." + +Major Benjy clearly did not like the prospect at all, but Puffin grew +firmer and firmer in his absolute refusal to lay himself open to rebuff, +and presently, they came to an agreement that the Major was to go on his +ambassadorial errand next morning. That being settled, the still +undecided point about the worm-cast gave rise to a good deal of heat, +until, it being discovered that the window was open, and that their +voices might easily carry as far as the garden-room, they made malignant +rejoinders to each other in whispers. But it was impossible to go on +quarrelling for long in so confidential a manner, and the disagreement +was deferred to a more convenient occasion. It was late when the Major +left, and after putting out the light in Puffin's hall, so that he +should not be silhouetted against it, he slid into the darkness, and +reached his own door by a subtle detour. + +Miss Mapp had a good deal of division of her swift mind, when, next +morning, she learned the nature of Major Benjy's second errand. If she, +like Mr. Wyse, was to encourage Puffin to hope that she would accept his +apologies, she would be obliged to remit all further punishment of him, +and allow him to consort with his friend again. It was difficult to +forgo the pleasure of his chastisement, but, on the other hand, it was +just possible that the Major might break away, and, whether she liked it +or not (and she would not), refuse permanently to give up Puffin's +society. That would be awkward since she had publicly paraded her +reconciliation with him. What further inclined her to clemency, was that +this very evening the crimson-lake tea-gown would shed its effulgence +over Mrs. Poppit's bridge-party, and Diva would never want to hear the +word "kingfisher" again. That was enough to put anybody in a good +temper. So the diplomatist returned to the miscreant with the glad +tidings that Miss Mapp would hear his supplication with a favourable +ear, and she took up a stately position in the garden-room, which she +selected as audience chamber, near the bell so that she could ring for +Withers if necessary. + + * * * * * + +Miss Mapp's mercy was largely tempered with justice, and she proposed, +in spite of the leniency which she would eventually exhibit, to give +Puffin "what for," first. She had not for him, as for Major Benjy, that +feminine weakness which had made it a positive luxury to forgive him: +she never even thought of Puffin as Captain Dicky, far less let the +pretty endearment slip off her tongue accidentally, and the luxury which +she anticipated from the interview was that of administering a quantity +of hard slaps. She had appointed half-past twelve as the hour for his +suffering, so that he must go without his golf again. + +She put down the book she was reading when he appeared, and gazed at him +stonily without speech. He limped into the middle of the room. This +might be forgiveness, but it did not look like it, and he wondered +whether she had got him here on false pretences. + +"Good morning," said he. + +Miss Mapp inclined her head. Silence was gold. + +"I understood from Major Flint----" began Puffin. + +Speech could be gold too. + +"If," said Miss Mapp, "you have come to speak about Major Flint you have +wasted your time. And mine!" + +(How different from Major Benjy, she thought. What a shrimp!) + +The shrimp gave a slight gasp. The thing had got to be done, and the +sooner he was out of range of this powerful woman the better. + +"I am extremely sorry for what I said to you the other night," he said. + +"I am glad you are sorry," said Miss Mapp. + +"I offer you my apologies for what I said," continued Puffin. + +The whip whistled. + +"When you spoke to me on the occasion to which you refer," said Miss +Mapp, "I saw of course at once that you were not in a condition to speak +to anybody. I instantly did you that justice, for I am just to +everybody. I paid no more attention to what you said than I should have +paid to any tipsy vagabond in the slums. I daresay you hardly remember +what you said, so that before I hear your expression of regret, I will +remind you of it. You threatened, unless I promised to tell nobody in +what a disgusting condition you were, to say that I was tipsy. Elizabeth +Mapp tipsy! That was what you said, Captain Puffin." + +Captain Puffin turned extremely red. ("Now the shrimp's being boiled," +thought Miss Mapp.) + +"I can't do more than apologize," said he. He did not know whether he +was angrier with his ambassador or her. + +"Did you say you couldn't do 'more,'" said Miss Mapp with an air of +great interest. "How curious! I should have thought you couldn't have +done less." + +"Well, what more can I do?" asked he. + +"If you think," said Miss Mapp, "that you hurt me by your conduct that +night, you are vastly mistaken. And if you think you can do no more than +apologize, I will teach you better. You can make an effort, Captain +Puffin, to break with your deplorable habits, to try to get back a +little of the self-respect, if you ever had any, which you have lost. +You can cease trying, oh, so unsuccessfully, to drag Major Benjy down to +your level. That's what you can do." + +She let these withering observations blight him. + +"I accept your apologies," she said. "I hope you will do better in the +future, Captain Puffin, and I shall look anxiously for signs of +improvement. We will meet with politeness and friendliness when we are +brought together and I will do my best to wipe all remembrance of your +tipsy impertinence from my mind. And you must do your best too. You are +not young, and engrained habits are difficult to get rid of. But do not +despair, Captain Puffin. And now I will ring for Withers and she will +show you out." + +She rang the bell, and gave a sample of her generous oblivion. + +"And we meet, do we not, this evening at Mrs. Poppit's?" she said, +looking not at him, but about a foot above his head. "Such pleasant +evenings one always has there, I hope it will not be a wet evening, but +the glass is sadly down. Oh, Withers, Captain Puffin is going. Good +morning, Captain Puffin. Such a pleasure!" + +Miss Mapp hummed a rollicking little tune as she observed him totter +down the street. + +"There!" she said, and had a glass of Burgundy for lunch as a treat. + + + + +CHAPTER X + + +The news that Mr. Wyse was to be of the party that evening at Mrs. +Poppit's and was to dine there first, _en famille_ (as he casually let +slip in order to air his French), created a disagreeable impression that +afternoon in Tilling. It was not usual to do anything more than "have a +tray" for your evening meal, if one of these winter bridge-parties +followed, and there was, to Miss Mapp's mind, a deplorable tendency to +ostentation in this dinner-giving before a party. Still, if Susan was +determined to be extravagant, she might have asked Miss Mapp as well, +who resented this want of hospitality. She did not like, either, this +hole-and-corner _en famille_ work with Mr. Wyse; it indicated a pushing +familiarity to which, it was hoped, Mr. Wyse's eyes were open. + +There was another point: the party, it had been ascertained, would in +all number ten, and if, as was certain, there would be two +bridge-tables, that seemed to imply that two people would have to cut +out. There were often nine at Mrs. Poppit's bridge-parties (she appeared +to be unable to count), but on those occasions Isabel was generally +told by her mother that she did not care for bridge, and so there was no +cutting out, but only a pleasant book for Isabel. But what would be done +with ten? It was idle to hope that Susan would sit out: as hostess she +always considered it part of her duties to play solidly the entire +evening. Still, if the cutting of cards malignantly ordained that Miss +Mapp was ejected, it was only reasonable to expect that after her +magnanimity to the United Services, either Major Benjy or Captain Puffin +would be so obdurate in his insistence that she must play instead of +him, that it would be only ladylike to yield. + +She did not, therefore, allow this possibility to dim the pleasure she +anticipated from the discomfiture of darling Diva, who would be certain +to appear in the kingfisher-blue tea-gown, and find herself ghastly and +outshone by the crimson-lake which was the colour of Mrs. Trout's second +toilet, and Miss Mapp, after prolonged thought as to her most dramatic +moment of entrance in the crimson-lake, determined to arrive when she +might expect the rest of the guests to have already assembled. She would +risk, it is true, being out of a rubber for a little, since bridge might +have already begun, but play would have to stop for a minute of +greetings when she came in, and she would beg everybody not to stir, and +would seat herself quite, quite close to Diva, and openly admire her +pretty frock, "like one I used to have ...!" + +It was, therefore, not much lacking of ten o'clock when, after she had +waited a considerable time on Mrs. Poppit's threshold, Boon sulkily +allowed her to enter, but gave no answer to her timid inquiry of: "Am I +very late, Boon?" The drawing-room door was a little ajar, and as she +took off the cloak that masked the splendour of the crimson-lake, her +acute ears heard the murmur of talk going on, which indicated that +bridge had not yet begun, while her acute nostrils detected the faint +but certain smell of roast grouse, which showed what Susan had given Mr. +Wyse for dinner, probably telling him that the birds were a present to +her from the shooting-lodge where she had stayed in the summer. Then, +after she had thrown herself a glance in the mirror, and put on her +smile, Boon preceded her, slightly shrugging his shoulders, to the +drawing-room door, which he pushed open, and grunted loudly, which was +his manner of announcing a guest. Miss Mapp went tripping in, almost at +a run, to indicate how vexed she was with herself for being late, and +there, just in front of her, stood Diva, dressed not in kingfisher-blue +at all, but in the crimson-lake of Mrs. Trout's second toilet. +Perfidious Diva had had her dress dyed too.... + +Miss Mapp's courage rose to the occasion. Other people, Majors and tipsy +Captains, might be cowards, but not she. Twice now (omitting the matter +of the Wars of the Roses) had Diva by some cunning, which it was +impossible not to suspect of a diabolical origin, clad her odious little +roundabout form in splendours identical with Miss Mapp's, but now, +without faltering even when she heard Evie's loud squeak, she turned to +her hostess, who wore the Order of M.B.E. on her ample breast, and made +her salutations in a perfectly calm voice. + +"Dear Susan, don't scold me for being so late," she said, "though I know +I deserve it. So sweet of you! Isabel darling and dear Evie! Oh, and Mr. +Wyse! Sweet Irene! Major Benjy and Captain Puffin! Had a nice game of +golf? And the Padre!..." + +She hesitated a moment wondering, if she could, without screaming or +scratching, seem aware of Diva's presence. Then she soared, lambent as +flame. + +"Diva darling!" she said, and bent and kissed her, even as St. Stephen +in the moment of martyrdom prayed for those who stoned him. Flesh and +blood could not manage more, and she turned to Mr. Wyse, remembering +that Diva had told her that the Contessa Faradiddleony's arrival was +postponed. + +"And your dear sister has put off her journey, I understand," she said. +"Such a disappointment! Shall we see her at Tilling at all, do you +think?" + +Mr. Wyse looked surprised. + +"Dear lady," he said, "you're the second person who has said that to me. +Mrs. Plaistow asked me just now----" + +"Yes; it was she who told me," said Miss Mapp in case there was a +mistake. "Isn't it true?" + +"Certainly not. I told my housekeeper that the Contessa's maid was ill, +and would follow her, but that's the only foundation I know of for this +rumour. Amelia encourages me to hope that she will be here early next +week." + +"Oh, no doubt that's it!" said Miss Mapp in an aside so that Diva could +hear. "Darling Diva's always getting hold of the most erroneous +information. She must have been listening to servants' gossip. So glad +she's wrong about it." + +Mr. Wyse made one of his stately inclinations of the head. + +"Amelia will regret very much not being here to-night," he said, "for I +see all the great bridge-players are present." + +"Oh, Mr. Wyse!" said she. "We shall all be humble learners compared with +the Contessa, I expect." + +"Not at all!" said Mr. Wyse. "But what a delightful idea of yours and +Mrs. Plaistow's to dress alike in such lovely gowns. Quite like +sisters." + +Miss Mapp could not trust herself to speak on this subject, and showed +all her teeth, not snarling but amazingly smiling. She had no occasion +to reply, however, for Captain Puffin joined them, eagerly deferential. + +"What a charming surprise you and Mrs. Plaistow have given us, Miss +Mapp," he said, "in appearing again in the same beautiful dresses. Quite +like----" + +Miss Mapp could not bear to hear what she and Diva were like, and +wheeled about, passionately regretting that she had forgiven Puffin. +This manoeuvre brought her face to face with the Major. + +"Upon my word, Miss Elizabeth," he said, "you look magnificent +to-night." + +He saw the light of fury in her eyes, and guessed, mere man as he was, +what it was about. He bent to her and spoke low. + +"But, by Jove!" he said with supreme diplomacy, "somebody ought to tell +our good Mrs. Plaistow that some women can wear a wonderful gown and +others--ha!" + +"Dear Major Benjy," said she. "Cruel of you to poor Diva." + +But instantly her happiness was clouded again, for the Padre had a very +ill-inspired notion. + +"What ho! fair Madam Plaistow," he humorously observed to Miss Mapp. +"Ah! Peccavi! I am in error. It is Mistress Mapp. But let us to the +cards! Our hostess craves thy presence at yon table." + +Contrary to custom Mrs. Poppit did not sit firmly down at a table, nor +was Isabel told that she had an invincible objection to playing bridge. +Instead she bade everybody else take their seats, and said that she and +Mr. Wyse had settled at dinner that they much preferred looking on and +learning to playing. With a view to enjoying this incredible treat as +fully as possible, they at once seated themselves on a low sofa at the +far end of the room where they could not look or learn at all, and +engaged in conversation. Diva and Elizabeth, as might have been expected +from the malignant influence which watched over their attire, cut in at +the same table and were partners, so that they had, in spite of the +deadly antagonism of identical tea-gowns, a financial interest in +common, while a further bond between them was the eagerness with which +they strained their ears to overhear anything that their hostess and Mr. +Wyse were saying to each other. + +Miss Mapp and Diva alike were perhaps busier when they were being dummy +than when they were playing the cards. Over the background of each mind +was spread a hatred of the other, red as their tea-gowns, and shot with +black despair as to what on earth they should do now with those +ill-fated pieces of pride. Miss Mapp was prepared to make a perfect +chameleon of hers, if only she could get away from Diva's hue, but what +if, having changed, say, to purple, Diva became purple too? She could +not stand a third coincidence, and besides, she much doubted whether any +gown that had once been of so pronounced a crimson-lake, could +successfully attempt to appear of any other hue except perhaps black. If +Diva died, she might perhaps consult Miss Greele as to whether black +would be possible, but then if Diva died, there was no reason for not +wearing crimson-lake for ever, since it would be an insincerity of which +Miss Mapp humbly hoped she was incapable, to go into mourning for Diva +just because she died. + +In front of this lurid background of despair moved the figures which +would have commanded all her attention, have aroused all the feelings of +disgust and pity of which she was capable, had only Diva stuck to +kingfisher-blue. There they sat on the sofa, talking in voices which it +was impossible to overhear, and if ever a woman made up to a man, and if +ever a man was taken in by shallow artifices, "they," thought Miss Mapp, +"are the ones." There was no longer any question that Susan was doing +her utmost to inveigle Mr. Wyse into matrimony, for no other motive, not +politeness, not the charm of conversation, not the low, comfortable seat +by the fire could possibly have had force enough to keep her for a whole +evening from the bridge-table. That dinner _en famille_, so Miss Mapp +sarcastically reflected--what if it was the first of hundreds of similar +dinners _en famille_? Perhaps, when safely married, Susan would ask her +to one of the family dinners, with a glassful of foam which she called +champagne, and the leg of a crow which she called game from the +shooting-lodge.... There was no use in denying that Mr. Wyse seemed to +be swallowing flattery and any other form of bait as fast as they were +supplied him; never had he been so made up to since the day, now two +years ago, when Miss Mapp herself wrote him down as uncapturable. But +now, on this awful evening of crimson-lake, it seemed only prudent to +face the prospect of his falling into the nets which were spread for +him.... Susan the sister-in-law of a Contessa. Susan the wife of the man +whose urbanity made all Tilling polite to each other, Susan a Wyse of +Whitchurch! It made Miss Mapp feel positively weary of earth.... + +Nor was this the sum of Miss Mapp's mental activities, as she sat being +dummy to Diva, for, in addition to the rage, despair and disgust with +which these various topics filled her, she had narrowly to watch Diva's +play, in order, at the end, to point out to her with lucid firmness all +the mistakes she had made, while with snorts and sniffs and muttered +exclamations and jerks of the head and pullings-out of cards and +puttings of them back with amazing assertions that she had not quitted +them, she wrestled with the task she had set herself of getting two +no-trumps. It was impossible to count the tricks that Diva made, for she +had a habit of putting her elbow on them after she had raked them in, as +if in fear that her adversaries would filch them when she was not +looking, and Miss Mapp, distracted with other interests, forgot that +no-trumps had been declared and thought it was hearts, of which Diva +played several after their adversaries' hands were quite denuded of +them. She often did that "to make sure." + +"Three tricks," she said triumphantly at the conclusion, counting the +cards in the cache below her elbow. + +Miss Mapp gave a long sigh, but remembered that Mr. Wyse was present. + +"You could have got two more," she said, "if you hadn't played those +hearts, dear. You would have been able to trump Major Benjy's club and +the Padre's diamond, and we should have gone out. Never mind, you played +it beautifully otherwise." + +"Can't trump when it's no trumps," said Diva, forgetting that Mr. Wyse +was there. "That's nonsense. Got three tricks. Did go out. Did you think +it was hearts? Wasn't." + +Miss Mapp naturally could not demean herself to take any notice of this. + +"Your deal, is it, Major Benjy?" she asked. "Me to cut?" + +Diva had remembered just after her sharp speech to her partner that Mr. +Wyse was present, and looked towards the sofa to see if there were any +indications of pained surprise on his face which might indicate that he +had heard. But what she saw there--or, to be more accurate, what she +failed to see there--forced her to give an exclamation which caused Miss +Mapp to look round in the direction where Diva's bulging eyes were +glued.... There was no doubt whatever about it: Mrs. Poppit and Mr. Wyse +were no longer there. Unless they were under the sofa they had certainly +left the room together and altogether. Had she gone to put on her sable +coat on this hot night? Was Mr. Wyse staggering under its weight as he +fitted her into it? Miss Mapp rejected the supposition; they had gone to +another room to converse more privately. This looked very black indeed, +and she noted the time on the clock in order to ascertain, when they +came back, how long they had been absent. + +The rubber went on its wild way, relieved from the restraining influence +of Mr. Wyse, and when, thirty-nine minutes afterwards, it came to its +conclusion and neither the hostess nor Mr. Wyse had returned, Miss Mapp +was content to let Diva muddle herself madly, adding up the score with +the assistance of her fingers, and went across to the other table till +she should be called back to check her partner's figures. They would be +certain to need checking. + +"Has Mr. Wyse gone away already, dear Isabel?" she said. "How early!" + +("And four makes nine," muttered Diva, getting to her little finger.) + +Isabel was dummy, and had time for conversation. + +"I think he has only gone with Mamma into the conservatory," she +said--"no more diamonds, partner?--to advise her about the orchids." + +Now the conservatory was what Miss Mapp considered a potting-shed with a +glass roof, and the orchids were one anaemic odontoglossum, and there +would scarcely be room besides that for Mrs. Poppit and Mr. Wyse. The +potting-shed was visible from the drawing-room window, over which +curtains were drawn. + +"Such a lovely night," said Miss Mapp. "And while Diva is checking the +score may I have a peep at the stars, dear? So fond of the sweet stars." + +She glided to the window (conscious that Diva was longing to glide too, +but was preparing to quarrel with the Major's score) and took her peep +at the sweet stars. The light from the hall shone full into the +potting-shed, but there was nobody there. She made quite sure of that. + +Diva had heard about the sweet stars, and for the first time in her life +made no objection to her adversaries' total. + +"You're right, Major Flint, eighteen-pence," she said. "Stupid of me: +I've left my handkerchief in the pocket of my cloak. I'll pop out and +get it. Back in a minute. Cut again for partners." + +She trundled to the door and popped out of it before Miss Mapp had the +slightest chance of intercepting her progress. This was bitter, because +the dining-room opened out of the hall, and so did the book-cupboard +with a window which dear Susan called her boudoir. Diva was quite +capable of popping into both of these apartments. In fact, if the +truants were there, it was no use bothering about the sweet stars any +more, and Diva would already have won.... + +There was a sweet moon as well, and just as baffled Miss Mapp was +turning away from the window, she saw that which made her positively +glue her nose to the cold window-pane, and tuck the curtain in, so that +her silhouette should not be visible from outside. Down the middle of +the garden path came the two truants, Susan in her sables and Mr. Wyse +close beside her with his coat-collar turned up. Her ample form with the +small round head on the top looked like a short-funnelled locomotive +engine, and he like the driver on the foot-plate. The perfidious things +had said they were going to consult over the orchid. Did orchids grow on +the lawn? It was news to Miss Mapp if they did. + +They stopped, and Mr. Wyse quite clearly pointed to some celestial +object, moon or star, and they both gazed at it. The sight of two such +middle-aged people behaving like this made Miss Mapp feel quite sick, +but she heroically continued a moment more at her post. Her heroism was +rewarded, for immediately after the inspection of the celestial object, +they turned and inspected each other. And Mr. Wyse kissed her. + +Miss Mapp "scriggled" from behind the curtain into the room again. + +"Aldebaran!" she said. "So lovely!" + +Simultaneously Diva re-entered with her handkerchief, thwarted and +disappointed, for she had certainly found nobody either in the boudoir +or in the dining-room. But there was going to be a sit-down supper, and +as Boon was not there, she had taken a _marron glace_. + +Miss Mapp was flushed with excitement and disgust, and almost forgot +about Diva's gown. + +"Found your hanky, dear?" she said. "Then shall we cut for partners +again? You and me, Major Benjy. Don't scold me if I play wrong." + +She managed to get a seat that commanded a full-face view of the door, +for the next thing was to see how "the young couple" (as she had already +labelled them in her sarcastic mind) "looked" when they returned from +their amorous excursion to the orchid that grew on the lawn. They +entered, most unfortunately, while she was in the middle of playing a +complicated hand, and her brain was so switched off from the play by +their entrance that she completely lost the thread of what she was +doing, and threw away two tricks that simply required to be gathered up +by her, but now lurked below Diva's elbow. What made it worse was that +no trace of emotion, no heightened colour, no coy and downcast eye +betrayed a hint of what had happened on the lawn. With brazen effrontery +Susan informed her daughter that Mr. Wyse thought a little +leaf-mould.... + +"What a liar!" thought Miss Mapp, and triumphantly put her remaining +trump on to her dummy's best card. Then she prepared to make the best of +it. + +"We've lost three, I'm afraid, Major Benjy," she said. "Don't you think +you overbid your hand just a little wee bit?" + +"I don't know about that, Miss Elizabeth," said the Major. "If you +hadn't let those two spades go, and hadn't trumped my best heart----" + +Miss Mapp interrupted with her famous patter. + +"Oh, but if I had taken the spades," she said quickly, "I should have +had to lead up to Diva's clubs, and then they would have got the rough +in diamonds, and I should have never been able to get back into your +hand again. Then at the end if I hadn't trumped your heart, I should +have had to lead the losing spade and Diva would have over-trumped; and +brought in her club, and we should have gone down two more. If you +follow me, I think you'll agree that I was right to do that. But all +good players overbid their hands sometimes, Major Benjy. Such fun!" + +The supper was unusually ostentatious, but Miss Mapp saw the reason for +that; it was clear that Susan wanted to impress poor Mr. Wyse with her +wealth, and probably when it came to settlements, he would learn some +very unpleasant news. But there were agreeable little circumstances to +temper her dislike of this extravagant display, for she was hungry, and +Diva, always a gross feeder, spilt some hot chocolate sauce on the +crimson-lake, which, if indelible, might supply a solution to the +problem of what was to be done now about her own frock. She kept an eye, +too, on Captain Puffin, to see if he showed any signs of improvement in +the direction she had indicated to him in her interview, and was +rejoiced to see that one of these glances was clearly the cause of his +refusing a second glass of port. He had already taken the stopper out of +the decanter when their eyes met ... and then he put it back again. +Improvement already! + +Everything else (pending the discovery as to whether chocolate on +crimson-lake spelt ruin) now faded into a middle distance, while the +affairs of Susan and poor Mr. Wyse occupied the entire foreground of +Miss Mapp's consciousness. Mean and cunning as Susan's conduct must have +been in entrapping Mr. Wyse when others had failed to gain his +affection, Miss Mapp felt that it would be only prudent to continue on +the most amicable of terms with her, for as future sister-in-law to a +countess, and wife to the man who by the mere exercise of his presence +could make Tilling sit up and behave, she would doubtless not hesitate +about giving Miss Mapp some nasty ones back if retaliation demanded. It +was dreadful to think that this audacious climber was so soon to belong +to the Wyses of Whitchurch, but since the moonlight had revealed that +such was Mr. Wyse's intention, it was best to be friends with the Mammon +of the British Empire. Poppit-cum-Wyse was likely to be a very important +centre of social life in Tilling, when not in Scotland or Whitchurch or +Capri, and Miss Mapp wisely determined that even the announcement of the +engagement should not induce her to give voice to the very proper +sentiments which it could not help inspiring. + +After all she had done for Susan, in letting the door of high-life in +Tilling swing open for her when she could not possibly keep it shut any +longer, it seemed only natural that, if she only kept on good terms with +her now, Susan would insist that her dear Elizabeth must be the first to +be told of the engagement. This made her pause before adopting the +obvious course of setting off immediately after breakfast next morning, +and telling all her friends, under promise of secrecy, just what she had +seen in the moonlight last night. Thrilling to the narrator as such an +announcement would be, it would be even more thrilling, provided only +that Susan had sufficient sense of decency to tell her of the engagement +before anybody else, to hurry off to all the others and inform them that +she had known of it ever since the night of the bridge-party. + +It was important, therefore, to be at home whenever there was the +slightest chance of Susan coming round with her news, and Miss Mapp sat +at her window the whole of that first morning, so as not to miss her, +and hardly attended at all to the rest of the pageant of life that moved +within the radius of her observation. Her heart beat fast when, about +the middle of the morning, Mr. Wyse came round the dentist's corner, for +it might be that the bashful Susan had sent him to make the +announcement, but, if so, he was bashful too, for he walked by her house +without pause. He looked rather worried, she thought (as well he might), +and passing on he disappeared round the church corner, clearly on his +way to his betrothed. He carried a square parcel in his hand, about as +big as some jewel-case that might contain a tiara. Half an hour +afterwards, however, he came back, still carrying the tiara. It occurred +to her that the engagement might have been broken off.... A little +later, again with a quickened pulse, Miss Mapp saw the Royce lumber down +from the church corner. It stopped at her house, and she caught a +glimpse of sables within. This time she felt certain that Susan had come +with her interesting news, and waited till Withers, having answered the +door, came to inquire, no doubt, whether she would see Mrs. Poppit. But, +alas, a minute later the Royce lumbered on, carrying the additional +weight of the Christmas number of _Punch_, which Miss Mapp had borrowed +last night and had not, of course, had time to glance at yet. + +Anticipation is supposed to be pleasanter than any fulfilment, however +agreeable, and if that is the case, Miss Mapp during the next day or two +had more enjoyment than the announcement of fifty engagements could have +given her, so constantly (when from the garden-room she heard the sound +of the knocker on her front door) did she spring up in certainty that +this was Susan, which it never was. But however enjoyable it all might +be, she appeared to herself at least to be suffering tortures of +suspense, through which by degrees an idea, painful and revolting in the +extreme, yet strangely exhilarating, began to insinuate itself into her +mind. There seemed a deadly probability of the correctness of the +conjecture, as the week went by without further confirmation of that +kiss, for, after all, who knew anything about the character and +antecedents of Susan? As for Mr. Wyse, was he not a constant visitor to +the fierce and fickle South, where, as everyone knew, morality was +wholly extinct? And how, if it was all too true, should Tilling treat +this hitherto unprecedented situation? It was terrible to contemplate +this moral upheaval, which might prove to be a social upheaval also. +Time and again, as Miss Mapp vainly waited for news, she was within an +ace of communicating her suspicions to the Padre. He ought to know, for +Christmas (as was usual in December) was daily drawing nearer.... + +There came some half-way through that month a dark and ominous +afternoon, the rain falling sad and thick, and so unusual a density of +cloud dwelling in the upper air that by three o'clock Miss Mapp was +quite unable, until the street lamp at the corner was lit, to carry out +the minor duty of keeping an eye on the houses of Captain Puffin and +Major Benjy. The Royce had already lumbered by her door since +lunch-time, but so dark was it that, peer as she might, it was lost in +the gloom before it came to the dentist's corner, and Miss Mapp had to +face the fact that she really did not know whether it had turned into +the street where Susan's lover lived or had gone straight on. It was +easier to imagine the worst, and she had already pictured to herself a +clandestine meeting between those passionate ones, who under cover of +this darkness were imperviously concealed from any observation (beneath +an umbrella) from her house-roof. Nothing but a powerful searchlight +could reveal what was going on in the drawing-room window of Mr. Wyse's +house, and apart from the fact that she had not got a powerful +searchlight, it was strongly improbable that anything of a very intimate +nature was going on there ... it was not likely that they would choose +the drawing-room window. She thought of calling on Mr. Wyse and asking +for the loan of a book, so that she would see whether the sables were in +the hall, but even then she would not really be much further on. Even as +she considered this a sea-mist began to creep through the street +outside, and in a few minutes it was blotted from view. Nothing was +visible, and nothing audible but the hissing of the shrouded rain. + +Suddenly from close outside came the sound of a door-knocker imperiously +plied, which could be no other than her own. Only a telegram or some +urgent errand could bring anyone out on such a day, and unable to bear +the suspense of waiting till Withers had answered it, she hurried into +the house to open the door herself. Was the news of the engagement +coming to her at last? Late though it was, she would welcome it even +now, for it would atone, in part at any rate.... It was Diva. + +"Diva dear!" said Miss Mapp enthusiastically, for Withers was already in +the hall. "How sweet of you to come round. Anything special?" + +"Yes," said Diva, opening her eyes very wide, and spreading a shower of +moisture as she whisked off her mackintosh. "She's come." + +This could not refer to Susan.... + +"Who?" asked Miss Mapp. + +"Faradiddleony," said Diva. + +"No!" said Miss Mapp very loud, so much interested that she quite forgot +to resent Diva's being the first to have the news. "Let's have a +comfortable cup of tea in the garden-room. Tea, Withers." + +Miss Mapp lit the candles there, for, lost in meditation, she had been +sitting in the dark, and with reckless hospitality poked the fire to +make it blaze. + +"Tell me all about it," she said. That would be a treat for Diva, who +was such a gossip. + +"Went to the station just now," said Diva. "Wanted a new time-table. +Besides the Royce had just gone down. Mr. Wyse and Susan on the +platform." + +"Sables?" asked Miss Mapp parenthetically, to complete the picture. + +"Swaddled. Talked to them. Train came in. Woman got out. Kissed Mr. +Wyse. Shook hands with Susan. Both hands. While luggage was got out." + +"Much?" asked Miss Mapp quickly. + +"Hundreds. Covered with coronets and Fs. Two cabs." + +Miss Mapp's mind, on a hot scent, went back to the previous telegraphic +utterance. + +"Both hands did you say, dear?" she asked. "Perhaps that's the Italian +fashion." + +"Maybe. Then what else do you think? Faradiddleony kissed Susan! Mr. +Wyse and she must be engaged. I can't account for it any other way. He +must have written to tell his sister. Couldn't have told her then at the +station. Must have been engaged some days and we never knew. They went +to look at the orchid. Remember? That was when." + +It was bitter, no doubt, but the bitterness could be transmuted into an +amazing sweetness. + +"Then now I can speak," said Miss Mapp with a sigh of great relief. "Oh, +it has been so hard keeping silence, but I felt I ought to. I knew all +along, Diva dear, all, all along." + +"How?" asked Diva with a fallen crest. + +Miss Mapp laughed merrily. + +"I looked out of the window, dear, while you went for your hanky and +peeped into dining-room and boudoir, didn't you? There they were on the +lawn, and they kissed each other. So I said to myself: 'Dear Susan has +got him! Perseverance rewarded!'" + +"H'm. Only a guess of yours. Or did Susan tell you?" + +"No, dear, she said nothing. But Susan was always secretive." + +"But they might not have been engaged at all," said Diva with a +brightened eye. "Man doesn't always marry a woman he kisses!" + +Diva had betrayed the lowness of her mind now by hazarding that which +had for days dwelt in Miss Mapp's mind as almost certain. She drew in +her breath with a hissing noise as if in pain. + +"Darling, what a dreadful suggestion," she said. "No such idea ever +occurred to me. Secretive I thought Susan might be, but immoral, never. +I must forget you ever thought that. Let's talk about something less +painful. Perhaps you would like to tell me more about the Contessa." + +Diva had the grace to look ashamed of herself, and to take refuge in the +new topic so thoughtfully suggested. + +"Couldn't see clearly," she said. "So dark. But tall and lean. Sneezed." + +"That might happen to anybody, dear," said Miss Mapp, "whether tall or +short. Nothing more?" + +"An eyeglass," said Diva after thought. + +"A single one?" asked Miss Mapp. "On a string? How strange for a +woman." + +That seemed positively the last atom of Diva's knowledge, and though +Miss Mapp tried on the principles of psycho-analysis to disinter +something she had forgotten, the catechism led to no results whatever. +But Diva had evidently something else to say, for after finishing her +tea she whizzed backwards and forwards from window to fireplace with +little grunts and whistles, as was her habit when she was struggling +with utterance. Long before it came out, Miss Mapp had, of course, +guessed what it was. No wonder Diva found difficulty in speaking of a +matter in which she had behaved so deplorably.... + +"About that wretched dress," she said at length. "Got it stained with +chocolate first time I wore it, and neither I nor Janet can get it out." + +("Hurrah," thought Miss Mapp.) + +"Must have it dyed again," continued Diva. "Thought I'd better tell you. +Else you might have yours dyed the same colour as mine again. +Kingfisher-blue to crimson-lake. All came out of Vogue and Mrs. Trout. +Rather funny, you know, but expensive. You should have seen your face, +Elizabeth, when you came in to Susan's the other night." + +"Should I, dearest?" said Miss Mapp, trembling violently. + +"Yes. Wouldn't have gone home with you in the dark for anything. +Murder." + +"Diva dear," said Miss Mapp anxiously, "you've got a mind which likes to +put the worst construction on everything. If Mr. Wyse kisses his +intended you think things too terrible for words; if I look surprised +you think I'm full of hatred and malice. Be more generous, dear. Don't +put evil constructions on all you see." + +"Ho!" said Diva with a world of meaning. + +"I don't know what you intend to convey by ho," said Miss Mapp, "and I +shan't try to guess. But be kinder, darling, and it will make you +happier. Thinketh no evil, you know! Charity!" + +Diva felt that the limit of what was tolerable was reached when +Elizabeth lectured her on the need of charity, and she would no doubt +have explained tersely and unmistakably exactly what she meant by "Ho!" +had not Withers opportunely entered to clear away tea. She brought a +note with her, which Miss Mapp opened. "Encourage me to hope," were the +first words that met her eye: Mrs. Poppit had been encouraging him to +hope again. + +"To dine at Mr. Wyse's to-morrow," she said. "No doubt the announcement +will be made then. He probably wrote it before he went to the station. +Yes, a few friends. You going, dear?" + +Diva instantly got up. + +"Think I'll run home and see," she said. "By the by, Elizabeth, what +about the--the teagown, if I go? You or I?" + +"If yours is all covered with chocolate, I shouldn't think you'd like to +wear it," said Miss Mapp. + +"Could tuck it away," said Diva, "just for once. Put flowers. Then send +it to dyer's. You won't see it again. Not crimson-lake, I mean." + +Miss Mapp summoned the whole of her magnanimity. It had been put to a +great strain already and was tired out, but it was capable of one more +effort. + +"Wear it then," she said. "It'll be a treat to you. But let me know if +you're not asked. I daresay Mr. Wyse will want to keep it very small. +Good-bye, dear; I'm afraid you'll get very wet going home." + + + + +CHAPTER XI + + +The sea-mist and the rain continued without intermission next morning, +but shopping with umbrellas and mackintoshes was unusually brisk, for +there was naturally a universally felt desire to catch sight of a +Contessa with as little delay as possible. The foggy conditions perhaps +added to the excitement, for it was not possible to see more than a few +yards, and thus at any moment anybody might almost run into her. Diva's +impressions, meagre though they were, had been thoroughly circulated, +but the morning passed, and the ladies of Tilling went home to change +their wet things and take a little ammoniated quinine as a precaution +after so long and chilly an exposure, without a single one of them +having caught sight of the single eyeglass. It was disappointing, but +the disappointment was bearable since Mr. Wyse, so far from wanting his +party to be very small, had been encouraged by Mrs. Poppit to hope that +it would include all his world of Tilling with one exception. He had +hopes with regard to the Major and the Captain, and the Padre and wee +wifie, and Irene and Miss Mapp, and of course Isabel. But apparently he +despaired of Diva. + +She alone therefore was absent from this long, wet shopping, for she +waited indoors, almost pen in hand, to answer in the affirmative the +invitation which had at present not arrived. Owing to the thickness of +the fog, her absence from the street passed unnoticed, for everybody +supposed that everybody else had seen her, while she, biting her nails +at home, waited and waited and waited. Then she waited. About a quarter +past one she gave it up, and duly telephoned, according to promise, via +Janet and Withers, to Miss Mapp to say that Mr. Wyse had not yet hoped. +It was very unpleasant to let them know, but if she had herself rung up +and been answered by Elizabeth, who usually rushed to the telephone, she +felt that she would sooner have choked than have delivered this message. +So Janet telephoned and Withers said she would tell her mistress. And +did. + +Miss Mapp was steeped in pleasant conjectures. The most likely of all +was that the Contessa had seen that roundabout little busybody in the +station, and taken an instant dislike to her through her single +eyeglass. Or she might have seen poor Diva inquisitively inspecting the +luggage with the coronets and the Fs on it, and have learned with pain +that this was one of the ladies of Tilling. "Algernon," she would have +said (so said Miss Mapp to herself), "who is that queer little woman? Is +she going to steal some of my luggage?" And then Algernon would have +told her that this was poor Diva, quite a decent sort of little body. +But when it came to Algernon asking his guests for the dinner-party in +honour of his betrothal and her arrival at Tilling, no doubt the +Contessa would have said, "Algernon, I beg...." Or if Diva--poor +Diva--was right in her conjectures that the notes had been written +before the arrival of the train, it was evident that Algernon had torn +up the one addressed to Diva, when the Contessa heard whom she was to +meet the next evening.... Or Susan might easily have insinuated that +they would have two very pleasant tables of bridge after dinner without +including Diva, who was so wrong and quarrelsome over the score. Any of +these explanations were quite satisfactory, and since Diva would not be +present, Miss Mapp would naturally don the crimson-lake. They would all +see what crimson-lake looked like when it decked a suitable wearer and +was not parodied on the other side of a card-table. How true, as dear +Major Benjy had said, that one woman could wear what another could +not.... And if there was a woman who could not wear crimson-lake it was +Diva.... Or was Mr. Wyse really ashamed to let his sister see Diva in +the crimson-lake? It would be just like him to be considerate of Diva, +and not permit her to make a guy of herself before the Italian +aristocracy. No doubt he would ask her to lunch some day, quite quietly. +Or had ... Miss Mapp bloomed with pretty conjectures, like some Alpine +meadow when smitten into flower by the spring, and enjoyed her lunch +very much indeed. + +The anxiety and suspense of the morning, which, instead of being +relieved, had ended in utter gloom, gave Diva a headache, and she +adopted her usual strenuous methods of getting rid of it. So, instead of +lying down and taking aspirin and dozing, she set out after lunch to +walk it off. She sprinted and splashed along the miry roads, indifferent +as to whether she stepped in puddles or not, and careless how wet she +got. She bit on the bullet of her omission from the dinner-party this +evening, determining not to mind one atom about it, but to look forward +to a pleasant evening at home instead of going out (like this) in the +wet. And never--never under any circumstances would she ask any of the +guests what sort of an evening had been spent, how Mr. Wyse announced +the news, and how the Faradiddleony played bridge. (She said that +satirical word aloud, mouthing it to the puddles and the dripping +hedge-rows.) She would not evince the slightest interest in it all; she +would cover it with spadefuls of oblivion, and when next she met Mr. +Wyse she would, whatever she might feel, behave exactly as usual. She +plumed herself on this dignified resolution, and walked so fast that the +hedge-rows became quite transparent. That was the proper thing to do; +she had been grossly slighted, and, like a true lady, would be unaware +of that slight; whereas poor Elizabeth, under such circumstances, would +have devised a hundred petty schemes for rendering Mr. Wyse's life a +burden to him. But if--if (she only said "if") she found any reason to +believe that Susan was at the bottom of this, then probably she would +think of something worthy not so much of a true lady but of a true +woman. Without asking any questions, she might easily arrive at +information which would enable her to identify Susan as the culprit, and +she would then act in some way which would astonish Susan. What that way +was she need not think yet, and so she devoted her entire mind to the +question all the way home. + +Feeling better and with her headache quite gone, she arrived in Tilling +again drenched to the skin. It was already after tea-time, and she +abandoned tea altogether, and prepared to console herself for her +exclusion from gaiety with a "good blow-out" in the shape of regular +dinner, instead of the usual muffin now and a tray later. To add dignity +to her feast, she put on the crimson-lake tea-gown for the last time +that it would be crimson-lake (though the same tea-gown still), since +to-morrow it would be sent to the dyer's to go into perpetual mourning +for its vanished glories. She had meant to send it to-day, but all this +misery and anxiety had put it out of her head. + +Having dressed thus, to the great astonishment of Janet, she sat down to +divert her mind from trouble by Patience. As if to reward her for her +stubborn fortitude, the malignity of the cards relented, and she +brought out an intricate matter three times running. The clock on her +mantelpiece chiming a quarter to eight, surprised her with the lateness +of the hour, and recalled to her with a stab of pain that it was +dinner-time at Mr. Wyse's, and at this moment some seven pairs of eager +feet were approaching the door. Well, she was dining at a quarter to +eight, too; Janet would enter presently to tell her that her own banquet +was ready, and gathering up her cards, she spent a pleasant though +regretful minute in looking at herself and the crimson-lake for the last +time in her long glass. The tremendous walk in the rain had given her an +almost equally high colour. Janet's foot was heard on the stairs, and +she turned away from the glass. Janet entered. + +"Dinner?" said Diva. + +"No, ma'am, the telephone," said Janet. "Mr. Wyse is on the telephone, +and wants to speak to you very particularly." + +"Mr. Wyse himself?" asked Diva, hardly believing her ears, for she knew +Mr. Wyse's opinion of the telephone. + +"Yes, ma'am." + +Diva walked slowly, but reflected rapidly. What must have happened was +that somebody had been taken ill at the last moment--was it +Elizabeth?--and that he now wanted her to fill the gap.... She was torn +in two. Passionately as she longed to dine at Mr. Wyse's, she did not +see how such a course was compatible with dignity. He had only asked her +to suit his own convenience; it was not out of encouragement to hope +that he invited her now. No; Mr. Wyse should want. She would say that +she had friends dining with her; that was what the true lady would do. + +She took up the ear-piece and said, "Hullo!" + +It was certainly Mr. Wyse's voice that spoke to her, and it seemed to +tremble with anxiety. + +"Dear lady," he began, "a most terrible thing has happened----" + +(Wonder if Elizabeth's very ill, thought Diva.) + +"Quite terrible," said Mr. Wyse. "Can you hear?" + +"Yes," said Diva, hardening her heart. + +"By the most calamitous mistake the note which I wrote you yesterday was +never delivered. Figgis has just found it in the pocket of his overcoat. +I shall certainly dismiss him unless you plead for him. Can you hear?" + +"Yes," said Diva excitedly. + +"In it I told you that I had been encouraged to hope that you would dine +with me to-night. There was such a gratifying response to my other +invitations that I most culpably and carelessly, dear lady, thought that +everybody had accepted. Can you hear?" + +"Of course I can!" shouted Diva. + +"Well, I come on my knees to you. Can you possibly forgive the joint +stupidity of Figgis and me, and honour me after all? We will put dinner +off, of course. At what time, in case you are ever so kind and indulgent +as to come, shall we have it? Do not break my heart by refusing. +Su--Mrs. Poppit will send her car for you." + +"I have already dressed for dinner," said Diva proudly. "Very pleased to +come at once." + +"You are too kind; you are angelic," said Mr. Wyse. "The car shall start +at once; it is at my door now." + +"Right," said Diva. + +"Too good--too kind," murmured Mr. Wyse. "Figgis, what do I do next?" + +Diva clapped the instrument into place. + +"Powder," she said to herself, remembering what she had seen in the +glass, and whizzed upstairs. Her fish would have to be degraded into +kedgeree, though plaice would have done just as well as sole for that; +the cutlets could be heated up again, and perhaps the whisking for the +apple-meringue had not begun yet, and could still be stopped. + +"Janet!" she shouted. "Going out to dinner! Stop the meringue." + +She dashed an interesting pallor on to her face as she heard the hooting +of the Royce, and coming downstairs, stepped into its warm +luxuriousness, for the electric lamp was burning. There were Susan's +sables there--it was thoughtful of Susan to put them in, but +ostentatious--and there was a carriage rug, which she was convinced was +new, and was very likely a present from Mr. Wyse. And soon there was the +light streaming out from Mr. Wyse's open door, and Mr. Wyse himself in +the hall to meet and greet and thank and bless her. She pleaded for the +contrite Figgis, and was conducted in a blaze of triumph into the +drawing-room, where all Tilling was awaiting her. She was led up to the +Contessa, with whom Miss Mapp, wreathed in sycophantic smiles, was +eagerly conversing. + +The crimson-lakes.... + + * * * * * + +There were embarrassing moments during dinner; the Contessa confused by +having so many people introduced to her in a lump, got all their names +wrong, and addressed her neighbours as Captain Flint and Major Puffin, +and thought that Diva was Mrs. Mapp. She seemed vivacious and +good-humoured, dropped her eye-glass into her soup, talked with her +mouth full, and drank a good deal of wine, which was a very bad example +for Major Puffin. Then there were many sudden and complete pauses in the +talk, for Diva's news of the kissing of Mrs. Poppit by the Contessa had +spread like wildfire through the fog this morning, owing to Miss Mapp's +dissemination of it, and now, whenever Mr. Wyse raised his voice ever so +little, everybody else stopped talking, in the expectation that the news +was about to be announced. Occasionally, also, the Contessa addressed +some remark to her brother in shrill and voluble Italian, which rather +confirmed the gloomy estimate of her table-manners in the matter of +talking with her mouth full, for to speak in Italian was equivalent to +whispering, since the purport of what she said could not be understood +by anybody except him.... Then also, the sensation of dining with a +countess produced a slight feeling of strain, which, in addition to the +correct behaviour which Mr. Wyse's presence always induced, almost +congealed correctness into stiffness. But as dinner went on her evident +enjoyment of herself made itself felt, and her eccentricities, though +carefully observed and noted by Miss Mapp, were not succeeded by +silences and hurried bursts of conversation. + +"And is your ladyship making a long stay in Tilling?" asked the (real) +Major, to cover the pause which had been caused by Mr. Wyse saying +something across the table to Isabel. + +She dropped her eye-glass with quite a splash into her gravy, pulled it +out again by the string as if landing a fish and sucked it. + +"That depends on you gentlemen," she said with greater audacity than was +usual in Tilling. "If you and Major Puffin and that sweet little Scotch +clergyman all fall in love with me, and fight duels about me, I will +stop for ever...." + +The Major recovered himself before anybody else. + +"Your ladyship may take that for granted," he said gallantly, and a +perfect hubbub of conversation rose to cover this awful topic. + +She laid her hand on his arm. + +"You must not call me ladyship, Captain Flint," she said. "Only servants +say that. Contessa, if you like. And you must blow away this fog for me. +I have seen nothing but bales of cotton-wool out of the window. Tell me +this, too: why are those ladies dressed alike? Are they sisters? Mrs. +Mapp, the little round one, and her sister, the big round one?" + +The Major cast an apprehensive eye on Miss Mapp seated just opposite, +whose acuteness of hearing was one of the terrors of Tilling.... His +apprehensions were perfectly well founded, and Miss Mapp hated and +despised the Contessa from that hour. + +"No, not sisters," said he, "and your la--you've made a little error +about the names. The one opposite is Miss Mapp, the other Mrs. +Plaistow." + +The Contessa moderated her voice. + +"I see; she looks vexed, your Miss Mapp. I think she must have heard, +and I will be very nice to her afterwards. Why does not one of you +gentlemen marry her? I see I shall have to arrange that. The sweet +little Scotch clergyman now; little men like big wives. Ah! Married +already is he to the mouse? Then it must be you, Captain Flint. We must +have more marriages in Tilling." + +Miss Mapp could not help glancing at the Contessa, as she made this +remarkable observation. It must be the cue, she thought, for the +announcement of that which she had known so long.... In the space of a +wink the clever Contessa saw that she had her attention, and spoke +rather loudly to the Major. + +"I have lost my heart to your Miss Mapp," she said. "I am jealous of +you, Captain Flint. She will be my great friend in Tilling, and if you +marry her, I shall hate you, for that will mean that she likes you +best." + +Miss Mapp hated nobody at that moment, not even Diva, off whose face the +hastily-applied powder was crumbling, leaving little red marks peeping +out like the stars on a fine evening. Dinner came to an end with roasted +chestnuts brought by the Contessa from Capri. + +"I always scold Amelia for the luggage she takes with her," said Mr. +Wyse to Diva. "Amelia dear, you are my hostess to-night"--everybody saw +him look at Mrs. Poppit--"you must catch somebody's eye." + +"I will catch Miss Mapp's," said Amelia, and all the ladies rose as if +connected with some hidden mechanism which moved them simultaneously.... +There was a great deal of pretty diffidence at the door, but the +Contessa put an end to that. + +"Eldest first," she said, and marched out, making Miss Mapp, Diva and +the mouse feel remarkably young. She might drop her eye-glass and talk +with her mouth full, but really such tact.... They all determined to +adopt this pleasing device in the future. The disappointment about the +announcement of the engagement was sensibly assuaged, and Miss Mapp and +Susan, in their eagerness to be younger than the Contessa, and yet take +precedence of all the rest, almost stuck in the doorway. They rebounded +from each other, and Diva whizzed out between them. Quaint Irene went +in her right place--last. However quaint Irene was, there was no use in +pretending that she was not the youngest. + +However hopelessly Amelia had lost her heart to Miss Mapp, she did not +devote her undivided attention to her in the drawing-room, but swiftly +established herself at the card-table, where she proceeded, with a most +complicated sort of Patience and a series of cigarettes, to while away +the time till the gentlemen joined them. Though the ladies of Tilling +had plenty to say to each other, it was all about her, and such comments +could not conveniently be made in her presence. Unless, like her, they +talked some language unknown to the subject of their conversation, they +could not talk at all, and so they gathered round her table, and watched +the lightning rapidity with which she piled black knaves on red queens +in some packs and red knaves on black queens in others. She had taken +off all her rings in order to procure a greater freedom of finger, and +her eye-glass continued to crash on to a glittering mass of magnificent +gems. The rapidity of her motions was only equalled by the swift and +surprising monologue that poured from her mouth. + +"There, that odious king gets in my way," she said. "So like a man to +poke himself in where he isn't wanted. _Bacco!_ No, not that: I have a +cigarette. I hear all you ladies are terrific bridge-players: we will +have a game presently, and I shall sink into the earth with terror at +your Camorra! _Dio!_ there's another king, and that's his own queen whom +he doesn't want at all. He is _amoroso_ for that black queen, who is +quite covered up, and he would like to be covered up with her. Susan, my +dear" (that was interesting, but they all knew it already), "kindly +ring the bell for coffee. I expire if I do not get my coffee at once, +and a toothpick. Tell me all the scandal of Tilling, Miss Mapp, while I +play--all the dreadful histories of that Major and that Captain. Such a +grand air has the Captain--no, it is the Major, the one who does not +limp. Which of all you ladies do they love most? It is Miss Mapp, I +believe: that is why she does not answer me. Ah! here is the coffee, and +the other king: three lumps of sugar, dear Susan, and then stir it up +well, and hold it to my mouth, so that I can drink without interruption. +Ah, the ace! He is the intervener, or is it the King's Proctor? It would +be nice to have a proctor who told you all the love-affairs that were +going on. Susan, you must get me a proctor: you shall be my proctor. And +here are the men--the wretches, they have been preferring wine to women, +and we will have our bridge, and if anybody scolds me, I shall cry, Miss +Mapp, and Captain Flint will hold my hand and comfort me." + +She gathered up a heap of cards and rings, dropped them on the floor, +and cut with the remainder. + +Miss Mapp was very lenient with the Contessa, who was her partner, and +pointed out the mistakes of her and their adversaries with the most +winning smile and eagerness to explain things clearly. Then she revoked +heavily herself, and the Contessa, so far from being angry with her, +burst into peals of unquenchable merriment. This way of taking a revoke +was new to Tilling, for the right thing was for the revoker's partner to +sulk and be sarcastic for at least twenty minutes after. The Contessa's +laughter continued to spurt out at intervals during the rest of the +rubber, and it was all very pleasant; but at the end she said she was +not up to Tilling standards at all, and refused to play any more. Miss +Mapp, in the highest good-humour, urged her not to despair. + +"Indeed, dear Contessa," she said, "you play very well. A little +overbidding of your hand, perhaps, do you think? but that is a tendency +we are all subject to: I often overbid my hand myself. Not a little wee +rubber more? I'm sure I should like to be your partner again. You must +come and play at my house some afternoon. We will have tea early, and +get a good two hours. Nothing like practice." + +The evening came to an end without the great announcement being made, +but Miss Mapp, as she reviewed the events of the party, sitting next +morning in her observation-window, found the whole evidence so +overwhelming that it was no longer worth while to form conjectures, +however fruitful, on the subject, and she diverted her mind to pleasing +reminiscences and projects for the future. She had certainly been +distinguished by the Contessa's marked regard, and her opinion of her +charm and ability was of the very highest.... No doubt her strange +remark about duelling at dinner had been humorous in intention, but many +a true word is spoken in jest, and the Contessa--perspicacious +woman--had seen at once that Major Benjy and Captain Puffin were just +the sort of men who might get to duelling (or, at any rate, challenging) +about a woman. And her asking which of the ladies the men were most in +love with, and her saying that she believed it was Miss Mapp! Miss Mapp +had turned nearly as red as poor Diva when that came out, so lightly and +yet so acutely.... + +Diva! It had, of course, been a horrid blow to find that Diva had been +asked to Mr. Wyse's party in the first instance, and an even shrewder +one when Diva entered (with such unnecessary fussing and apology on the +part of Mr. Wyse) in the crimson-lake. Luckily, it would be seen no +more, for Diva had promised--if you could trust Diva--to send it to the +dyer's; but it was a great puzzle to know why Diva had it on at all, if +she was preparing to spend a solitary evening at home. By eight o'clock +she ought by rights to have already had her tray, dressed in some old +thing; but within three minutes of her being telephoned for she had +appeared in the crimson-lake, and eaten so heartily that it was +impossible to imagine, greedy though she was, that she had already +consumed her tray.... But in spite of Diva's adventitious triumph, the +main feeling in Miss Mapp's mind was pity for her. She looked so +ridiculous in that dress with the powder peeling off her red face. No +wonder the dear Contessa stared when she came in. + +There was her bridge-party for the Contessa to consider. The Contessa +would be less nervous, perhaps, if there was only one table: that would +be more homey and cosy, and it would at the same time give rise to great +heart-burnings and indignation in the breasts of those who were left +out. Diva would certainly be one of the spurned, and the Contessa would +not play with Mr. Wyse.... Then there was Major Benjy, he must certainly +be asked, for it was evident that the Contessa delighted in him.... + +Suddenly Miss Mapp began to feel less sure that Major Benjy must be of +the party. The Contessa, charming though she was, had said several very +tropical, Italian things to him. She had told him that she would stop +here for ever if the men fought duels about her. She had said "you dear +darling" to him at bridge when, as adversary, he failed to trump her +losing card, and she had asked him to ask her to tea ("with no one else, +for I have a great deal to say to you"), when the general macedoine of +sables, au reservoirs, and thanks for such a nice evening took place in +the hall. Miss Mapp was not, in fact, sure, when she thought it over, +that the Contessa was a nice friend for Major Benjy. She did not do him +the injustice of imagining that he would ask her to tea alone; the very +suggestion proved that it must be a piece of the Contessa's Southern +extravagance of expression. But, after all, thought Miss Mapp to +herself, as she writhed at the idea, her other extravagant expressions +were proved to cover a good deal of truth. In fact, the Major's chance +of being asked to the select bridge-party diminished swiftly towards +vanishing point. + +It was time (and indeed late) to set forth on morning marketings, and +Miss Mapp had already determined not to carry her capacious basket with +her to-day, in case of meeting the Contessa in the High Street. It would +be grander and Wysier and more magnificent to go basket-less, and direct +that the goods should be sent up, rather than run the risk of +encountering the Contessa with a basket containing a couple of mutton +cutlets, a ball of wool and some tooth-powder. So she put on her Prince +of Wales's cloak, and, postponing further reflection over the +bridge-party till a less busy occasion, set forth in unencumbered +gentility for the morning gossip. At the corner of the High Street, she +ran into Diva. + +"News," said Diva. "Met Mr. Wyse just now. Engaged to Susan. All over +the town by now. Everybody knows. Oh, there's the Padre for the first +time." + +She shot across the street, and Miss Mapp, shaking the dust of Diva off +her feet, proceeded on her chagrined way. Annoyed as she was with Diva, +she was almost more annoyed with Susan. After all she had done for +Susan, Susan ought to have told her long ago, pledging her to secrecy. +But to be told like this by that common Diva, without any secrecy at +all, was an affront that she would find it hard to forgive Susan for. +She mentally reduced by a half the sum that she had determined to +squander on Susan's wedding-present. It should be plated, not silver, +and if Susan was not careful, it shouldn't be plated at all. + +She had just come out of the chemist's, after an indignant interview +about precipitated chalk. He had deposited the small packet on the +counter, when she asked to have it sent up to her house. He could not +undertake to deliver small packages. She left the precipitated chalk +lying there. Emerging, she heard a loud, foreign sort of scream from +close at hand. There was the Contessa, all by herself, carrying a +marketing basket of unusual size and newness. It contained a bloody +steak and a crab. + +"But where is your basket, Miss Mapp?" she exclaimed. "Algernon told me +that all the great ladies of Tilling went marketing in the morning with +big baskets, and that if I aspired to be _du monde_, I must have my +basket, too. It is the greatest fun, and I have already written to Cecco +to say I am just going marketing with my basket. Look, the steak is for +Figgis, and the crab is for Algernon and me, if Figgis does not get it. +But why are you not _du monde_? Are you _du demi-monde_, Miss Mapp?" + +She gave a croak of laughter and tickled the crab.... + +"Will he eat the steak, do you think?" she went on. "Is he not lively? I +went to the shop of Mr. Hopkins, who was not there, because he was +engaged with Miss Coles. And was that not Miss Coles last night at my +brother's? The one who spat in the fire when nobody but I was looking? +You are enchanting at Tilling. What is Mr. Hopkins doing with Miss +Coles? Do they kiss? But your market basket: that disappoints me, for +Algernon said you had the biggest market-basket of all. I bought the +biggest I could find: is it as big as yours?" + +Miss Mapp's head was in a whirl. The Contessa said in the loudest +possible voice all that everybody else only whispered; she displayed (in +her basket) all that everybody else covered up with thick layers of +paper. If Miss Mapp had only guessed that the Contessa would have a +market-basket, she would have paraded the High Street with a leg of +mutton protruding from one end and a pair of Wellington boots from the +other.... But who could have suspected that a Contessa.... + +Black thoughts succeeded. Was it possible that Mr. Wyse had been +satirical about the affairs of Tilling? If so, she wished him nothing +worse than to be married to Susan. But a playful face must be put, for +the moment, on the situation. + +"Too lovely of you, dear Contessa," she said. "May we go marketing +together to-morrow, and we will measure the size of our baskets? Such +fun I have, too, laughing at the dear people in Tilling. But what +thrilling news this morning about our sweet Susan and your dear brother, +though of course I knew it long ago." + +"Indeed! how was that?" said the Contessa quite sharply. + +Miss Mapp was "nettled" at her tone. + +"Oh, you must allow me two eyes," she said, since it was merely tedious +to explain how she had seen them from behind a curtain kissing in the +garden. "Just two eyes." + +"And a nose for scent," remarked the Contessa very genially. + +This was certainly coarse, though probably Italian. Miss Mapp's opinion +of the Contessa fluctuated violently like a barometer before a storm and +indicated "Changeable." + +"Dear Susan is such an intimate friend," she said. + +The Contessa looked at her very fixedly for a moment, and then appeared +to dismiss the matter. + +"My crab, my steak," she said. "And where does your nice Captain, no, +Major Flint live? I have a note to leave on him, for he has asked me to +tea all alone, to see his tiger skins. He is going to be my flirt while +I am in Tilling, and when I go he will break his heart, but I will have +told him who can mend it again." + +"Dear Major Benjy!" said Miss Mapp, at her wits' end to know how to deal +with so feather-tongued a lady. "What a treat it will be to him to have +you to tea. To-day, is it?" + +The Contessa quite distinctly winked behind her eyeglass, which she had +put up to look at Diva, who whirled by on the other side of the street. + +"And if I said 'To-day,'" she remarked, "you would--what is it that that +one says"--and she indicated Diva--"yes, you would pop in, and the good +Major would pay no attention to me. So if I tell you I shall go to-day, +you will know that is a lie, you clever Miss Mapp, and so you will go to +tea with him to-morrow and find me there. _Bene!_ Now where is his +house?" + +This was a sort of scheming that had never entered into Miss Mapp's +life, and she saw with pain how shallow she had been all these years. +Often and often she had, when inquisitive questions were put her, +answered them without any strict subservience to truth, but never had +she thought of confusing the issues like this. If she told Diva a lie, +Diva probably guessed it was a lie, and acted accordingly, but she had +never thought of making it practically impossible to tell whether it was +a lie or not. She had no more idea when she walked back along the High +Street with the Contessa swinging her basket by her side, whether that +lady was going to tea with Major Benjy to-day or to-morrow or when, than +she knew whether the crab was going to eat the beefsteak. + +"There's his house," she said, as they paused at the dentist's corner, +"and there's mine next it, with the little bow-window of my garden-room +looking out on to the street. I hope to welcome you there, dear +Contessa, for a tiny game of bridge and some tea one of these days very +soon. What day do you think? To-morrow?" + +(Then she would know if the Contessa was going to tea with Major Benjy +to-morrow ... unfortunately the Contessa appeared to know that she would +know it, too.) + +"My flirt!" she said. "Perhaps I may be having tea with my flirt +to-morrow." + +Better anything than that. + +"I will ask him, too, to meet you," said Miss Mapp, feeling in some +awful and helpless way that she was playing her adversary's game. +"Adversary?" did she say to herself? She did. The inscrutable Contessa +was "up to" that too. + +"I will not amalgamate my treats," she said. "So that is his house! What +a charming house! How my heart flutters as I ring the bell!" + +Miss Mapp was now quite distraught. There was the possibility that the +Contessa might tell Major Benjy that it was time he married, but on the +other hand she was making arrangements to go to tea with him on an +unknown date, and the hero of amorous adventures in India and elsewhere +might lose his heart again to somebody quite different from one whom he +could hope to marry. By daylight the dear Contessa was undeniably plain: +that was something, but in these short days, tea would be conducted by +artificial light, and by artificial light she was not so like a rabbit. +What was worse was that by any light she had a liveliness which might be +mistaken for wit, and a flattering manner which might be taken for +sincerity. She hoped men were not so easily duped as that, and was sadly +afraid that they were. Blind fools! + + * * * * * + +The number of visits that Miss Mapp made about tea-time in this week +before Christmas to the post-box at the corner of the High Street, with +an envelope in her hand containing Mr. Hopkins's bill for fish (and a +postal order enclosed), baffles computation. Naturally, she did not +intend, either by day or night, to risk being found again with a blank +unstamped envelope in her hand, and the one enclosing Mr. Hopkins's bill +and the postal order would have passed scrutiny for correctness, +anywhere. But fair and calm as was the exterior of that envelope, none +could tell how agitated was the hand that carried it backwards and +forwards until the edges got crumpled and the inscription clouded with +much fingering. Indeed, of all the tricks that Miss Mapp had compassed +for others, none was so sumptuously contrived as that in which she had +now entangled herself. + +For these December days were dark, and in consequence not only would the +Contessa be looking her best (such as it was) at tea-time, but from Miss +Mapp's window it was impossible to tell whether she had gone to tea with +him on any particular afternoon, for there had been a strike at the +gas-works, and the lamp at the corner, which, in happier days, would +have told all, told nothing whatever. Miss Mapp must therefore trudge to +the letter-box with Mr. Hopkins's bill in her hand as she went out, and +(after a feint of posting it) with it in her pocket as she came back, in +order to gather from the light in the windows, from the sound of +conversation that would be audible as she passed close beneath them, +whether the Major was having tea there or not, and with whom. Should she +hear that ringing laugh which had sounded so pleasant when she revoked, +but now was so sinister, she had quite determined to go in and borrow a +book or a tiger-skin--anything. The Major could scarcely fail to ask her +to tea, and, once there, wild horses should not drag her away until she +had outstayed the other visitor. Then, as her malady of jealousy grew +more feverish, she began to perceive, as by the ray of some dreadful +dawn, that lights in the Major's room and sounds of elfin laughter were +not completely trustworthy as proofs that the Contessa was there. It was +possible, awfully possible, that the two might be sitting in the +firelight, that voices might be hushed to amorous whisperings, that +pregnant smiles might be taking the place of laughter. On one such +afternoon, as she came back from the letter-box with patient Mr. +Hopkins's overdue bill in her pocket, a wild certainty seized her, when +she saw how closely the curtains were drawn, and how still it seemed +inside his room, that firelight dalliance was going on. + +She rang the bell, and imagined she heard whisperings inside while it +was being answered. Presently the light went up in the hall, and the +Major's Mrs. Dominic opened the door. + +"The Major is in, I think, isn't he, Mrs. Dominic?" said Miss Mapp, in +her most insinuating tones. + +"No, miss; out," said Dominic uncompromisingly. (Miss Mapp wondered if +Dominic drank.) + +"Dear me! How tiresome, when he told me----" said she, with playful +annoyance. "Would you be very kind, Mrs. Dominic, and just see for +certain that he is not in his room? He may have come in." + +"No, miss, he's out," said Dominic, with the parrot-like utterance of +the determined liar. "Any message?" + +Miss Mapp turned away, more certain than ever that he was in and +immersed in dalliance. She would have continued to be quite certain +about it, had she not, glancing distractedly down the street, caught +sight of him coming up with Captain Puffin. + +Meantime she had twice attempted to get up a cosy little party of four +(so as not to frighten the Contessa) to play bridge from tea till +dinner, and on both occasions the Faradiddleony (for so she had become) +was most unfortunately engaged. But the second of these disappointing +replies contained the hope that they would meet at their marketings +to-morrow morning, and though poor Miss Mapp was really getting very +tired with these innumerable visits to the post-box, whether wet or +fine, she set forth next morning with the hopes anyhow of finding out +whether the Contessa had been to tea with Major Flint, or on what day +she was going.... There she was, just opposite the post office, and +there--oh, shame!--was Major Benjy on his way to the tram, in +light-hearted conversation with her. It was a slight consolation that +Captain Puffin was there too. + +Miss Mapp quickened her steps to a little tripping run. + +"Dear Contessa, so sorry I am late," she said. "Such a lot of little +things to do this morning. (Major Benjy! Captain Puffin!) Oh, how +naughty of you to have begun your shopping without me!" + +"Only been to the grocer's," said the Contessa. "Major Benjy has been so +amusing that I haven't got on with my shopping at all. I have written to +Cecco to say that there is no one so witty." + +(Major Benjy! thought Miss Mapp bitterly, remembering how long it had +taken her to arrive at that. "And witty." She had not arrived at that +yet.) + +"No, indeed!" said the Major. "It was the Contessa, Miss Mapp, who has +been so entertaining." + +"I'm sure she would be," said Miss Mapp, with an enormous smile. "And, +oh, Major Benjy, you'll miss your tram unless you hurry, and get no golf +at all, and then be vexed with us for keeping you. You men always blame +us poor women." + +"Well, upon my word, what's a game of golf compared with the pleasure of +being with the ladies?" asked the Major, with a great fat bow. + +"I want to catch that tram," said Puffin quite distinctly, and Miss Mapp +found herself more nearly forgetting his inebriated insults than ever +before. + +"You poor Captain Puffin," said the Contessa, "you shall catch it. Be +off, both of you, at once. I will not say another word to either of you. +I will never forgive you if you miss it. But to-morrow afternoon, Major +Benjy." + +He turned round to bow again, and a bicycle luckily (for the rider) +going very slowly, butted softly into him behind. + +"Not hurt?" called the Contessa. "Good! Ah, Miss Mapp, let us get to our +shopping! How well you manage those men! How right you are about them! +They want their golf more than they want us, whatever they may say. They +would hate us, if we kept them from their golf. So sorry not to have +been able to play bridge with you yesterday, but an engagement. What a +busy place Tilling is. Let me see! Where is the list of things that +Figgis told me to buy? That Figgis! A roller-towel for his pantry, and +some blacking for his boots, and some flannel I suppose for his fat +stomach. It is all for Figgis. And there is that swift Mrs. Plaistow. +She comes like a train with a red light in her face and wheels and +whistlings. She talks like a telegram--Good-morning, Mrs. Plaistow." + +"Enjoyed my game of bridge, Contessa," panted Diva. "Delightful game of +bridge yesterday." + +The Contessa seemed in rather a hurry to reply. But long before she +could get a word out Miss Mapp felt she knew what had happened.... + +"So pleased," said the Contessa quickly. "And now for Figgis's towels, +Miss Mapp. Ten and sixpence apiece, he says. What a price to give for a +towel! But I learn housekeeping like this, and Cecco will delight in all +the economies I shall make. Quick, to the draper's, lest there should be +no towels left." + +In spite of Figgis's list, the Contessa's shopping was soon over, and +Miss Mapp having seen her as far as the corner, walked on, as if to her +own house, in order to give her time to get to Mr. Wyse's, and then fled +back to the High Street. The suspense was unbearable: she had to know +without delay when and where Diva and the Contessa had played bridge +yesterday. Never had her eye so rapidly scanned the movement of +passengers in that entrancing thoroughfare in order to pick Diva out, +and learn from her precisely what had happened.... There she was, coming +out of the dyer's with her basket completely filled by a bulky package, +which it needed no ingenuity to identify as the late crimson-lake. She +would have to be pleasant with Diva, for much as that perfidious woman +might enjoy telling her where this furtive bridge-party had taken place, +she might enjoy even more torturing her with uncertainty. Diva could, if +put to it, give no answer whatever to a direct question, but, skilfully +changing the subject, talk about something utterly different. + +"The crimson-lake," said Miss Mapp, pointing to the basket. "Hope it +will turn out well, dear." + +There was rather a wicked light in Diva's eyes. + +"Not crimson-lake," she said. "Jet-black." + +"Sweet of you to have it dyed again, dear Diva," said Miss Mapp. "Not +very expensive, I trust?" + +"Send the bill in to you, if you like," said Diva. + +Miss Mapp laughed very pleasantly. + +"That would be a good joke," she said. "How nice it is that the dear +Contessa takes so warmly to our Tilling ways. So amusing she was about +the commissions Figgis had given her. But a wee bit satirical, do you +think?" + +This ought to put Diva in a good temper, for there was nothing she liked +so much as a few little dabs at somebody else. (Diva was not very +good-natured.) + +"She is rather satirical," said Diva. + +"Oh, tell me some of her amusing little speeches!" said Miss Mapp +enthusiastically. "I can't always follow her, but you are so quick! A +little coarse too, at times, isn't she? What she said the other night +when she was playing Patience, about the queens and kings, wasn't +quite--was it? And the toothpick." + +"Yes. Toothpick," said Diva. + +"Perhaps she has bad teeth," said Miss Mapp; "it runs in families, and +Mr. Wyse's, you know--We're lucky, you and I." + +Diva maintained a complete silence, and they had now come nearly as far +as her door. If she would not give the information that she knew Miss +Mapp longed for, she must be asked for it, with the uncertain hope that +she would give it then. + +"Been playing bridge lately, dear?" asked Miss Mapp. + +"Quite lately," said Diva. + +"I thought I heard you say something about it to the Contessa. +Yesterday, was it? Whom did you play with?" + +Diva paused, and, when they had come quite to her door, made up her +mind. + +"Contessa, Susan, Mr. Wyse, me," she said. + +"But I thought she never played with Mr. Wyse," said Miss Mapp. + +"Had to get a four," said Diva. "Contessa wanted her bridge. Nobody +else." + +She popped into her house. + +There is no use in describing Miss Mapp's state of mind, except by +saying that for the moment she quite forgot that the Contessa was almost +certainly going to tea with Major Benjy to-morrow. + + + + +CHAPTER XII + + +"Peace on earth and mercy mild," sang Miss Mapp, holding her head back +with her uvula clearly visible. She sat in her usual seat close below +the pulpit, and the sun streaming in through a stained glass window +opposite made her face of all colours, like Joseph's coat. Not knowing +how it looked from outside, she pictured to herself a sort of celestial +radiance coming from within, though Diva, sitting opposite, was +reminded of the iridescent hues observable on cold boiled beef. But +then, Miss Mapp had registered the fact that Diva's notion of singing +alto was to follow the trebles at the uniform distance of a minor third +below, so that matters were about square between them. She wondered +between the verses if she could say something very tactful to Diva, +which might before next Christmas induce her not to make that noise.... + +Major Flint came in just before the first hymn was over, and held his +top-hat before his face by way of praying in secret, before he opened +his hymn-book. A piece of loose holly fell down from the window ledge +above him on the exact middle of his head, and the jump that he gave +was, considering his baldness, quite justifiable. Captain Puffin, Miss +Mapp was sorry to see, was not there at all. But he had been unwell +lately with attacks of dizziness, one of which had caused him, in the +last game of golf that he had played, to fall down on the eleventh green +and groan. If these attacks were not due to his lack of perseverance, no +right-minded person could fail to be very sorry for him. + +There was a good deal more peace on earth as regards Tilling than might +have been expected considering what the week immediately before +Christmas had been like. A picture by Miss Coles (who had greatly +dropped out of society lately, owing to her odd ways) called "Adam," +which was certainly Mr. Hopkins (though no one could have guessed) had +appeared for sale in the window of a dealer in pictures and curios, but +had been withdrawn from public view at Miss Mapp's personal intercession +and her revelation of whom, unlikely as it sounded, the picture +represented. The unchivalrous dealer had told the artist the history of +its withdrawal, and it had come to Miss Mapp's ears (among many other +things) that quaint Irene had imitated the scene of intercession with +such piercing fidelity that her servant, Lucy-Eve, had nearly died of +laughing. Then there had been clandestine bridge at Mr. Wyse's house on +three consecutive days, and on none of these occasions was Miss Mapp +asked to continue the instruction which she had professed herself +perfectly willing to give to the Contessa. The Contessa, in fact--there +seemed to be no doubt about it--had declared that she would sooner not +play bridge at all than play with Miss Mapp, because the effort of not +laughing would put an un-warrantable strain on those muscles which +prevented you from doing so.... Then the Contessa had gone to tea quite +alone with Major Benjy, and though her shrill and senseless monologue +was clearly audible in the street as Miss Mapp went by to post her +letter again, the Major's Dominic had stoutly denied that he was in, and +the notion that the Contessa was haranguing all by herself in his +drawing-room was too ridiculous to be entertained for a moment.... And +Diva's dyed dress had turned out so well that Miss Mapp gnashed her +teeth at the thought that she had not had hers dyed instead. With some +green chiffon round the neck, even Diva looked quite distinguished--for +Diva. + +Then, quite suddenly, an angel of Peace had descended on the distracted +garden-room, for the Poppits, the Contessa and Mr. Wyse all went away to +spend Christmas and the New Year with the Wyses of Whitchurch. It was +probable that the Contessa would then continue a round of visits with +all that coroneted luggage, and leave for Italy again without revisiting +Tilling. She had behaved as if that was the case, for taking advantage +of a fine afternoon, she had borrowed the Royce and whirled round the +town on a series of calls, leaving P.P.C. cards everywhere, and saying +only (so Miss Mapp gathered from Withers) "Your mistress not in? So +sorry," and had driven away before Withers could get out the information +that her mistress was very much in, for she had a bad cold. + +But there were the P.P.C. cards, and the Wyses with their future +connections were going to Whitchurch, and after a few hours of rage +against all that had been going on, without revenge being now possible, +and of reaction after the excitement of it, a different reaction set in. +Odd and unlikely as it would have appeared a month or two earlier, when +Tilling was seething with duels, it was a fact that it was possible to +have too much excitement. Ever since the Contessa had arrived, she had +been like an active volcano planted down among dangerously inflammable +elements, and the removal of it was really a matter of relief. Miss Mapp +felt that she would be dealing again with materials whose properties she +knew, and since, no doubt, the strain of Susan's marriage would soon +follow, it was a merciful dispensation that the removal of the volcano +granted Tilling a short restorative pause. The young couple would be +back before long, and with Susan's approaching elevation certainly going +to her head, and making her talk in a manner wholly intolerable about +the grandeur of the Wyses of Whitchurch, it was a boon to be allowed to +recuperate for a little, before settling to work afresh to combat +Susan's pretensions. There was no fear of being dull: for plenty of +things had been going on in Tilling before the Contessa flared on the +High Street, and plenty of things would continue to go on after she had +taken her explosions elsewhere. + +By the time that the second lesson was being read the sun had shifted +from Miss Mapp's face, and enabled her to see how ghastly dear Evie +looked when focussed under the blue robe of Jonah, who was climbing out +of the whale. She had had her disappointments to contend with, for the +Contessa had never really grasped at all who she was. Sometimes she +mistook her for Irene, sometimes she did not seem to see her, but never +had she appeared fully to identify her as Mr. Bartlett's wee wifey. But +then, dear Evie was very insignificant even when she squeaked her +loudest. Her best friends, among whom was Miss Mapp, would not deny +that. She had been wilted by non-recognition; she would recover again, +now that they were all left to themselves. + +The sermon contained many repetitions and a quantity of split +infinitives. The Padre had once openly stated that Shakespeare was good +enough for him, and that Shakespeare was guilty of many split +infinitives. On that occasion there had nearly been a breach between him +and Mistress Mapp, for Mistress Mapp had said, "But then you are not +Shakespeare, dear Padre." And he could find nothing better to reply than +"Hoots!".... There was nothing more of interest about the sermon. + +At the end of the service Miss Mapp lingered in the church looking at +the lovely decorations of holly and laurel, for which she was so largely +responsible, until her instinct assured her that everybody else had +shaken hands and was wondering what to say next about Christmas. Then, +just then, she hurried out. + +They were all there, and she came like the late and honoured guest (Poor +Diva). + +"Diva, darling," she said. "Merry Christmas! And Evie! And the Padre. +Padre dear, thank you for your sermon! And Major Benjy! Merry Christmas, +Major Benjy. What a small company we are, but not the less Christmassy. +No Mr. Wyse, no Susan, no Isabel. Oh, and no Captain Puffin. Not quite +well again, Major Benjy? Tell me about him. Those dreadful fits of +dizziness. So hard to understand." + +She beautifully succeeded in detaching the Major from the rest. With the +peace that had descended on Tilling, she had forgiven him for having +been made a fool of by the Contessa. + +"I'm anxious about my friend Puffin," he said. "Not at all up to the +mark. Most depressed. I told him he had no business to be depressed. +It's selfish to be depressed, I said. If we were all depressed it would +be a dreary world, Miss Elizabeth. He's sent for the doctor. I was to +have had a round of golf with Puffin this afternoon, but he doesn't feel +up to it. It would have done him much more good than a host of doctors." + +"Oh, I wish I could play golf, and not disappoint you of your round, +Major Benjy," said she. + +Major Benjy seemed rather to recoil from the thought. He did not +profess, at any rate, any sympathetic regret. + +"And we were going to have had our Christmas dinner together to-night," +he said, "and spend a jolly evening afterwards." + +"I'm sure quiet is the best thing for Captain Puffin with his +dizziness," said Miss Mapp firmly. + +A sudden audacity seized her. Here was the Major feeling lonely as +regards his Christmas evening: here was she delighted that he should not +spend it "jollily" with Captain Puffin ... and there was plenty of +plum-pudding. + +"Come and have your dinner with me," she said. "I'm alone too." + +He shook his head. + +"Very kind of you, I'm sure, Miss Elizabeth," he said, "but I think I'll +hold myself in readiness to go across to poor old Puffin, if he feels up +to it. I feel lost without my friend Puffin." + +"But you must have no jolly evening, Major Benjy," she said. "So bad for +him. A little soup and a good night's rest. That's the best thing. +Perhaps he would like me to go in and read to him. I will gladly. Tell +him so from me. And if you find he doesn't want anybody, not even you, +well, there's a slice of plum-pudding at your neighbour's, and such a +warm welcome." + +She stood on the steps of her house, which in summer were so crowded +with sketchers, and would have kissed her hand to him had not Diva been +following close behind, for even on Christmas Day poor Diva was capable +of finding something ill-natured to say about the most tender and +womanly action ... and Miss Mapp let herself into her house with only a +little wave of her hand.... + +Somehow the idea that Major Benjy was feeling lonely and missing the +quarrelsome society of his debauched friend was not entirely unpleasing +to her. It was odd that there should be anybody who missed Captain +Puffin. Who would not sooner play golf all alone (if that was possible) +than with him, or spend an evening alone rather than with his +companionship? But if Captain Puffin had to be missed, she would +certainly have chosen Major Benjy to be the person who missed him. +Without wishing Captain Puffin any unpleasant experience, she would have +borne with equanimity the news of his settled melancholia, or his +permanent dizziness, for Major Benjy with his bright robustness was not +the sort of man to prove a willing comrade to a chronically dizzy or +melancholic friend. Nor would it be right that he should be so. Men in +the prime of life were not meant for that. Nor were they meant to be the +victims of designing women, even though Wyses of Whitchurch.... He was +saved from that by their most opportune departure. + +In spite of her readiness to be interrupted at any moment, Miss Mapp +spent a solitary evening. She had pulled a cracker with Withers, and +severely jarred a tooth over a threepenny-piece in the plum-pudding, but +there had been no other events. Once or twice, in order to see what the +night was like, she had gone to the window of the garden-room, and been +aware that there was a light in Major Benjy's house, but when half-past +ten struck, she had despaired of company and gone to bed. A little +carol-singing in the streets gave her a Christmas feeling, and she hoped +that the singers got a nice supper somewhere. + +Miss Mapp did not feel as genial as usual when she came down to +breakfast next day, and omitted to say good-morning to her rainbow of +piggies. She had run short of wool for her knitting, and Boxing Day +appeared to her a very ill-advised institution. You would have imagined, +thought Miss Mapp, as she began cracking her egg, that the tradespeople +had had enough relaxation on Christmas Day, especially when, as on this +occasion, it was immediately preceded by Sunday, and would have been all +the better for getting to work again. She never relaxed her efforts for +a single day in the year, and why---- + +An overpowering knocking on her front-door caused her to stop cracking +her egg. That imperious summons was succeeded by but a moment of +silence, and then it began again. She heard the hurried step of Withers +across the hall, and almost before she could have been supposed to reach +the front door, Diva burst into the room. + +"Dead!" she said. "In his soup. Captain Puffin. Can't wait!" + +She whirled out again and the front door banged. + +Miss Mapp ate her egg in three mouthfuls, had no marmalade at all, and +putting on the Prince of Wales's cloak tripped down into the High +Street. Though all shops were shut, Evie was there with her +market-basket, eagerly listening to what Mrs. Brace, the doctor's wife, +was communicating. Though Mrs. Brace was not, strictly speaking, "in +society," Miss Mapp waived all social distinctions, and pressed her hand +with a mournful smile. + +"Is it all too terribly true?" she asked. + +Mrs. Brace did not take the smallest notice of her, and, dropping her +voice, spoke to Evie in tones so low that Miss Mapp could not catch a +single syllable except the word soup, which seemed to imply that Diva +had got hold of some correct news at last. Evie gave a shrill little +scream at the concluding words, whatever they were, as Mrs. Brace +hurried away. + +Miss Mapp firmly cornered Evie, and heard what had happened. Captain +Puffin had gone up to bed last night, not feeling well, without having +any dinner. But he had told Mrs. Gashly to make him some soup, and he +would not want anything else. His parlour-maid had brought it to him, +and had soon afterwards opened the door to Major Flint, who, learning +that his friend had gone to bed, went away. She called her master in the +morning, and found him sitting, still dressed, with his face in the soup +which he had poured out into a deep soup-plate. This was very odd, and +she had called Mrs. Gashly. They settled that he was dead, and rang up +the doctor, who agreed with them. It was clear that Captain Puffin had +had a stroke of some sort, and had fallen forward into the soup which he +had just poured out.... + +"But he didn't die of his stroke," said Evie in a strangled whisper. "He +was drowned." + +"Drowned, dear?" said Miss Mapp. + +"Yes. Lungs were full of ox-tail, oh, dear me! A stroke first, and he +fell forward with his face in his soup-plate and got his nose and mouth +quite covered with the soup. He was drowned. All on dry land and in his +bedroom. Too terrible. What dangers we are all in!" + +She gave a loud squeak and escaped, to tell her husband. + + * * * * * + +Diva had finished calling on everybody, and approached rapidly. + +"He must have died of a stroke," said Diva. "Very much depressed lately. +That precedes a stroke." + +"Oh, then, haven't you heard, dear?" said Miss Mapp. "It is all too +terrible! On Christmas Day, too!" + +"Suicide?" asked Diva. "Oh, how shocking!" + +"No, dear. It was like this...." + + * * * * * + +Miss Mapp got back to her house long before she usually left it. Her +cook came up with the proposed bill of fare for the day. + +"That will do for lunch," said Miss Mapp. "But not soup in the evening. +A little fish from what was left over yesterday, and some toasted +cheese. That will be plenty. Just a tray." + +Miss Mapp went to the garden-room and sat at her window. + +"All so sudden," she said to herself. + +She sighed. + +"I daresay there may have been much that was good in Captain Puffin," +she thought, "that we knew nothing about." + +She wore a wintry smile. + +"Major Benjy will feel very lonely," she said. + + + + +EPILOGUE + + +Miss Mapp went to the garden-room and sat at her window.... + +It was a warm, bright day of February, and a butterfly was enjoying +itself in the pale sunshine on the other window, and perhaps (so Miss +Mapp sympathetically interpreted its feelings) was rather annoyed that +it could not fly away through the pane. It was not a white butterfly, +but a tortoise-shell, very pretty, and in order to let it enjoy itself +more, she opened the window and it fluttered out into the garden. Before +it had flown many yards, a starling ate most of it up, so the starling +enjoyed itself too. + +Miss Mapp fully shared in the pleasure first of the tortoise-shell and +then of the starling, for she was enjoying herself very much too, though +her left wrist was terribly stiff. But Major Benjy was so cruel: he +insisted on her learning that turn of the wrist which was so important +in golf. + +"Upon my word, you've got it now, Miss Elizabeth," he had said to her +yesterday, and then made her do it all over again fifty times more. +("Such a bully!") Sometimes she struck the ground, sometimes she struck +the ball, sometimes she struck the air. But he had been very much +pleased with her. And she was very much pleased with him. She forgot +about the butterfly and remembered the starling. + +It was idle to deny that the last six weeks had been a terrific strain, +and the strain on her left wrist was nothing to them. The worst tension +of all, perhaps, was when Diva had bounced in with the news that the +Contessa was coming back. That was so like Diva: the only foundation for +the report proved to be that Figgis had said to her Janet that Mr. Wyse +was coming back, and either Janet had misunderstood Figgis, or Diva +(far more probably) had misunderstood Janet, and Miss Mapp only hoped +that Diva had not done so on purpose, though it looked like it. Stupid +as poor Diva undoubtedly was, it was hard for Charity itself to believe +that she had thought that Janet really said that. But when this report +proved to be totally unfounded, Miss Mapp rose to the occasion, and said +that Diva had spoken out of stupidity and not out of malice towards +her.... + +Then in due course Mr. Wyse had come back and the two Poppits had come +back, and only three days ago one Poppit had become a Wyse, and they had +all three gone for a motor-tour on the Continent in the Royce. Very +likely they would go as far south as Capri, and Susan would stay with +her new grand Italian connections. What she would be like when she got +back Miss Mapp forbore to conjecture, since it was no use anticipating +trouble; but Susan had been so grandiose about the Wyses, multiplying +their incomes and their acreage by fifteen or twenty, so Miss Mapp +conjectured, and talking so much about county families, that the +liveliest imagination failed to picture what she would make of the +Faragliones. She already alluded to the Count as "My brother-in-law +Cecco Faraglione," but had luckily heard Diva say "Faradiddleony" in a +loud aside, which had made her a little more reticent. Susan had taken +the insignia of the Member of the British Empire with her, as she at +once conceived the idea of being presented to the Queen of Italy by +Amelia, and going to a court ball, and Isabel had taken her manuscript +book of Malaprops and Spoonerisms. If she put down all the Italian +malaprops that Mrs. Wyse would commit, it was likely that she would +bring back two volumes instead of one. + +Though all these grandeurs were so rightly irritating, the departure of +the "young couple" and Isabel had left Tilling, already shocked and +shattered by the death of Captain Puffin, rather flat and purposeless. +Miss Mapp alone refused to be flat, and had never been so full of +purpose. She felt that it would be unpardonably selfish of her if she +regarded for a moment her own loss, when there was one in Tilling who +suffered so much more keenly, and she set herself with admirable +singleness of purpose to restore Major Benjy's zest in life, and fill +the gap. She wanted no assistance from others in this: Diva, for +instance, with her jerky ways would be only too apt to jar on him, and +her black dress might remind him of his loss if Miss Mapp had asked her +to go shares in the task of making the Major's evenings less lonely. +Also the weather, during the whole of January, was particularly +inclement, and it would have been too much to expect of Diva to come all +the way up the hill in the wet, while it was but a step from the Major's +door to her own. So there was little or nothing in the way of +winter-bridge as far as Miss Mapp and the Major were concerned. Piquet +with a single sympathetic companion who did not mind being rubiconned at +threepence a hundred was as much as he was up to at present. + +With the end of the month a balmy foretaste of spring (such as had +encouraged the tortoiseshell butterfly to hope) set in, and the Major +used to drop in after breakfast and stroll round the garden with her, +smoking his pipe. Miss Mapp's sweet snowdrops had begun to appear, and +green spikes of crocuses pricked the black earth, and the sparrows were +having such fun in the creepers. Then one day the Major, who was going +out to catch the 11.20 tram, had a "golf-stick," as Miss Mapp so +foolishly called it, with him, and a golf-ball, and after making a +dreadful hole in her lawn, she had hit the ball so hard that it +rebounded from the brick-wall, which was quite a long way off, and came +back to her very feet, as if asking to be hit again by the +golf-stick--no, golf-club. She learned to keep her wonderfully observant +eye on the ball and bought one of her own. The Major lent her a +mashie--and before anyone would have thought it possible, she had +learned to propel her ball right over the bed where the snowdrops grew, +without beheading any of them in its passage. It was the turn of the +wrist that did that, and Withers cleaned the dear little mashie +afterwards, and put it safely in the corner of the garden-room. + +To-day was to be epoch-making. They were to go out to the real links by +the 11.20 tram (consecrated by so many memories), and he was to call for +her at eleven. He had qui-hied for porridge fully an hour ago. + +After letting out the tortoise-shell butterfly from the window looking +into the garden, she moved across to the post of observation on the +street, and arranged snowdrops in a little glass vase. There were a few +over when that was full, and she saw that a reel of cotton was close at +hand, in case she had an idea of what to do with the remainder. Eleven +o'clock chimed from the church, and on the stroke she saw him coming up +the few yards of street that separated his door from hers. So punctual! +So manly! + +Diva was careering about the High Street as they walked along it, and +Miss Mapp kissed her hand to her. + +"Off to play golf, darling," she said. "Is that not grand? Au +reservoir." + +Diva had not missed seeing the snowdrops in the Major's button-hole, and +stood stupefied for a moment at this news. Then she caught sight of +Evie, and shot across the street to communicate her suspicions. Quaint +Irene joined then and the Padre. + +"Snowdrops, i'fegs!" said he.... + + +_Printed at The Chapel River Press, Kingston, Surrey._ + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | Transcriber's Notes and Errata | + | | + | The following words were found in both hyphenated and | + | unhyphenated form in the text. The number of instances of | + | each is given in parentheses. | + | | + | |book-case (4) |bookcase (1) | | + | |dress-maker's (1) |dress-maker's (1) | | + | |dress-maker (1) |dress-maker (1) | | + | |eye-glass (4) |eyeglass (4) | | + | |parlour-maid (3) |parlourmaid (5) | | + | |tea-gown (9) |teagown (2) | | + | |tip-toed (1) |tiptoed (2) | | + | |tortoise-shell (3) |tortoiseshell (1) | | + | | + | The following typographical errors were corrected: | + | | + | |Error |Correction | | + | |appraoch |approach | | + | |aleady |already | | + | |Consciousnness |Consciousness | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Miss Mapp, by Edward Frederic Benson + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MISS MAPP *** + +***** This file should be named 25919.txt or 25919.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/5/9/1/25919/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, LN Yaddanapudi and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries) + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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