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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Miss Mapp, by Edward Frederic Benson
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Miss Mapp
+
+Author: Edward Frederic Benson
+
+Release Date: June 28, 2008 [EBook #25919]
+[Last updated: September 26, 2012]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MISS MAPP ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, LN Yaddanapudi and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This
+file was produced from images generously made available
+by The Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+  _MISS MAPP_
+
+  _By E. F. Benson, Author of "Queen Lucia." "Dodo Wonders." &c._
+
+
+  _McCLELLAND & STEWART, LTD.,
+  TORONTO_
+
+
+
+
+PREFACE
+
+
+I lingered at the window of the garden-room from which Miss Mapp so
+often and so ominously looked forth. To the left was the front of her
+house, straight ahead the steep cobbled way, with a glimpse of the High
+Street at the end, to the right the crooked chimney and the church.
+
+The street was populous with passengers, but search as I might, I could
+see none who ever so remotely resembled the objects of her vigilance.
+
+E. F. BENSON.
+
+Lamb House, Rye.
+
+
+_Printed in Great Britain._
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER I
+
+
+Miss Elizabeth Mapp might have been forty, and she had taken advantage
+of this opportunity by being just a year or two older. Her face was of
+high vivid colour and was corrugated by chronic rage and curiosity; but
+these vivifying emotions had preserved to her an astonishing activity of
+mind and body, which fully accounted for the comparative adolescence
+with which she would have been credited anywhere except in the charming
+little town which she had inhabited so long. Anger and the gravest
+suspicions about everybody had kept her young and on the boil.
+
+She sat, on this hot July morning, like a large bird of prey at the very
+convenient window of her garden-room, the ample bow of which formed a
+strategical point of high value. This garden-room, solid and spacious,
+was built at right angles to the front of her house, and looked straight
+down the very interesting street which debouched at its lower end into
+the High Street of Tilling. Exactly opposite her front door the road
+turned sharply, so that as she looked out from this projecting window,
+her own house was at right angles on her left, the street in question
+plunged steeply downwards in front of her, and to her right she
+commanded an uninterrupted view of its further course which terminated
+in the disused graveyard surrounding the big Norman church. Anything of
+interest about the church, however, could be gleaned from a guide-book,
+and Miss Mapp did not occupy herself much with such coldly venerable
+topics. Far more to her mind was the fact that between the church and
+her strategic window was the cottage in which her gardener lived, and
+she could thus see, when not otherwise engaged, whether he went home
+before twelve, or failed to get back to her garden again by one, for he
+had to cross the street in front of her very eyes. Similarly she could
+observe whether any of his abandoned family ever came out from her
+garden door weighted with suspicious baskets, which might contain
+smuggled vegetables. Only yesterday morning she had hurried forth with a
+dangerous smile to intercept a laden urchin, with inquiries as to what
+was in "that nice basket." On that occasion that nice basket had proved
+to contain a strawberry net which was being sent for repair to the
+gardener's wife; so there was nothing more to be done except verify its
+return. This she did from a side window of the garden-room which
+commanded the strawberry beds; she could sit quite close to that, for it
+was screened by the large-leaved branches of a fig-tree and she could
+spy unseen.
+
+Otherwise this road to the right leading up to the church was of no
+great importance (except on Sunday morning, when she could get a
+practically complete list of those who attended Divine Service), for no
+one of real interest lived in the humble dwellings which lined it. To
+the left was the front of her own house at right angles to the strategic
+window, and with regard to that a good many useful observations might
+be, and were, made. She could, from behind a curtain negligently
+half-drawn across the side of the window nearest the house, have an eye
+on her housemaid at work, and notice if she leaned out of a window, or
+made remarks to a friend passing in the street, or waved salutations
+with a duster. Swift upon such discoveries, she would execute a flank
+march across the few steps of garden and steal into the house,
+noiselessly ascend the stairs, and catch the offender red-handed at this
+public dalliance. But all such domestic espionage to right and left was
+flavourless and insipid compared to the tremendous discoveries which
+daily and hourly awaited the trained observer of the street that lay
+directly in front of her window.
+
+There was little that concerned the social movements of Tilling that
+could not be proved, or at least reasonably conjectured, from Miss
+Mapp's eyrie. Just below her house on the left stood Major Flint's
+residence, of Georgian red brick like her own, and opposite was that of
+Captain Puffin. They were both bachelors, though Major Flint was
+generally supposed to have been the hero of some amazingly amorous
+adventures in early life, and always turned the subject with great
+abruptness when anything connected with duelling was mentioned. It was
+not, therefore, unreasonable to infer that he had had experiences of a
+bloody sort, and colour was added to this romantic conjecture by the
+fact that in damp, rheumatic weather his left arm was very stiff, and he
+had been known to say that his wound troubled him. What wound that was
+no one exactly knew (it might have been anything from a vaccination mark
+to a sabre-cut), for having said that his wound troubled him, he would
+invariably add: "Pshaw! that's enough about an old campaigner"; and
+though he might subsequently talk of nothing else except the old
+campaigner, he drew a veil over his old campaigns. That he had seen
+service in India was, indeed, probable by his referring to lunch as
+tiffin, and calling to his parlour-maid with the ejaculation of
+"Qui-hi." As her name was Sarah, this was clearly a reminiscence of days
+in bungalows. When not in a rage, his manner to his own sex was bluff
+and hearty; but whether in a rage or not, his manner to the fairies, or
+lovely women, was gallant and pompous in the extreme. He certainly had a
+lock of hair in a small gold specimen case on his watch-chain, and had
+been seen to kiss it when, rather carelessly, he thought that he was
+unobserved.
+
+Miss Mapp's eye, as she took her seat in her window on this sunny July
+morning, lingered for a moment on the Major's house, before she
+proceeded to give a disgusted glance at the pictures on the back page of
+her morning illustrated paper, which chiefly represented young women
+dancing in rings in the surf, or lying on the beach in attitudes which
+Miss Mapp would have scorned to adjust herself to. Neither the Major nor
+Captain Puffin were very early risers, but it was about time that the
+first signals of animation might be expected. Indeed, at this moment,
+she quite distinctly heard that muffled roar which to her experienced
+ear was easily interpreted to be "Qui-hi!"
+
+"So the Major has just come down to breakfast," she mechanically
+inferred, "and it's close on ten o'clock. Let me see: Tuesday, Thursday,
+Saturday--Porridge morning."
+
+Her penetrating glance shifted to the house exactly opposite to that in
+which it was porridge morning, and even as she looked a hand was thrust
+out of a small upper window and deposited a sponge on the sill. Then
+from the inside the lower sash was thrust firmly down, so as to prevent
+the sponge from blowing away and falling into the street. Captain
+Puffin, it was therefore clear, was a little later than the Major that
+morning. But he always shaved and brushed his teeth before his bath, so
+that there was but a few minutes between them.
+
+General manoeuvres in Tilling, the gradual burstings of fluttering life
+from the chrysalis of the night, the emergence of the ladies of the town
+with their wicker-baskets in their hands for housekeeping purchases, the
+exodus of men to catch the 11.20 a.m. steam-tram out to the golf links,
+and other first steps in the duties and diversions of the day, did not
+get into full swing till half-past ten, and Miss Mapp had ample time to
+skim the headlines of her paper and indulge in chaste meditations about
+the occupants of these two houses, before she need really make herself
+alert to miss nothing. Of the two, Major Flint, without doubt, was the
+more attractive to the feminine sense; for years Miss Mapp had tried to
+cajole him into marrying her, and had not nearly finished yet. With his
+record of adventure, with the romantic reek of India (and camphor) in
+the tiger-skin of the rugs that strewed his hall and surged like a
+rising tide up the wall, with his haughty and gallant manner, with his
+loud pshawings and sniffs at "nonsense and balderdash," his thumpings on
+the table to emphasize an argument, with his wound and his prodigious
+swipes at golf, his intolerance of any who believed in ghosts, microbes
+or vegetarianism, there was something dashing and risky about him; you
+felt that you were in the presence of some hot coal straight from the
+furnace of creation. Captain Puffin, on the other hand, was of clay so
+different that he could hardly be considered to be made of clay at all.
+He was lame and short and meagre, with strings of peaceful beads and
+Papuan aprons in his hall instead of wild tiger-skins, and had a jerky,
+inattentive manner and a high pitched voice. Yet to Miss Mapp's mind
+there was something behind his unimpressiveness that had a mysterious
+quality--all the more so, because nothing of it appeared on the surface.
+Nobody could call Major Flint, with his bawlings and his sniffings, the
+least mysterious. He laid all his loud cards on the table, great hulking
+kings and aces. But Miss Mapp felt far from sure that Captain Puffin did
+not hold a joker which would some time come to light. The idea of being
+Mrs. Puffin was not so attractive as the other, but she occasionally
+gave it her remote consideration.
+
+Yet there was mystery about them both, in spite of the fact that most of
+their movements were so amply accounted for. As a rule, they played golf
+together in the morning, reposed in the afternoon, as could easily be
+verified by anyone standing on a still day in the road between their
+houses and listening to the loud and rhythmical breathings that fanned
+the tranquil air, certainly went out to tea-parties afterwards and
+played bridge till dinner-time; or if no such entertainment was
+proffered them, occupied arm-chairs at the country club, or laboriously
+amassed a hundred at billiards. Though tea-parties were profuse, dining
+out was very rare at Tilling; Patience or a jig-saw puzzle occupied the
+hour or two that intervened between domestic supper and bed-time; but
+again and again, Miss Mapp had seen lights burning in the sitting-room
+of those two neighbours at an hour when such lights as were still in
+evidence at Tilling were strictly confined to bedrooms, and should,
+indeed, have been extinguished there. And only last week, being plucked
+from slumber by some unaccountable indigestion (for which she blamed a
+small green apple), she had seen at no less than twelve-thirty in the
+morning the lights in Captain Puffin's sitting-room still shining
+through the blind. This had excited her so much that at risk of toppling
+into the street, she had craned her neck from her window, and observed a
+similar illumination in the house of Major Flint. They were not together
+then, for in that case any prudent householder (and God knew that they
+both of them scraped and saved enough, or, if He didn't know, Miss Mapp
+did) would have quenched his own lights, if he were talking to his
+friend in his friend's house. The next night, the pangs of indigestion
+having completely vanished, she set her alarum clock at the same
+timeless hour, and had observed exactly the same phenomenon. Such late
+hours, of course, amply accounted for these late breakfasts; but why, so
+Miss Mapp pithily asked herself, why these late hours? Of course they
+both kept summer-time, whereas most of Tilling utterly refused (except
+when going by train) to alter their watches because Mr. Lloyd George
+told them to; but even allowing for that ... then she perceived that
+summer-time made it later than ever for its adherents, so that was no
+excuse.
+
+Miss Mapp had a mind that was incapable of believing the improbable, and
+the current explanation of these late hours was very improbable, indeed.
+Major Flint often told the world in general that he was revising his
+diaries, and that the only uninterrupted time which he could find in
+this pleasant whirl of life at Tilling was when he was alone in the
+evening. Captain Puffin, on his part, confessed to a student's curiosity
+about the ancient history of Tilling, with regard to which he was
+preparing a monograph. He could talk, when permitted, by the hour about
+the reclamation from the sea of the marsh land south of the town, and
+about the old Roman road which was built on a raised causeway, of which
+traces remained; but it argued, so thought Miss Mapp, an unprecedented
+egoism on the part of Major Flint, and an equally unprecedented love of
+antiquities on the part of Captain Puffin, that they should prosecute
+their studies (with gas at the present price) till such hours. No; Miss
+Mapp knew better than that, but she had not made up her mind exactly
+what it was that she knew. She mentally rejected the idea that egoism
+(even in these days of diaries and autobiographies) and antiquities
+accounted for so much study, with the same healthy intolerance with
+which a vigorous stomach rejects unwholesome food, and did not allow
+herself to be insidiously poisoned by its retention. But as she took up
+her light aluminium opera-glasses to make sure whether it was Isabel
+Poppit or not who was now stepping with that high, prancing tread into
+the stationer's in the High Street, she exclaimed to herself, for the
+three hundred and sixty-fifth time after breakfast: "It's very
+baffling"; for it was precisely a year to-day since she had first seen
+those mysterious midnight squares of illuminated blind. "Baffling," in
+fact, was a word that constantly made short appearances in Miss Mapp's
+vocabulary, though its retention for a whole year over one subject was
+unprecedented. But never yet had "baffled" sullied her wells of pure
+undefiled English.
+
+Movement had begun; Mrs. Plaistow, carrying her wicker basket, came
+round the corner by the church, in the direction of Miss Mapp's window,
+and as there was a temporary coolness between them (following violent
+heat) with regard to some worsted of brilliant rose-madder hue, which a
+forgetful draper had sold to Mrs. Plaistow, having definitely promised
+it to Miss Mapp ... but Miss Mapp's large-mindedness scorned to recall
+the sordid details of this paltry appropriation. The heat had quite
+subsided, and Miss Mapp was, for her part, quite prepared to let the
+coolness regain the normal temperature of cordiality the moment that
+Mrs. Plaistow returned that worsted. Outwardly and publicly friendly
+relationships had been resumed, and as the coolness had lasted six weeks
+or so, it was probable that the worsted had already been incorporated
+into the ornamental border of Mrs. Plaistow's jumper or winter scarf,
+and a proper expression of regret would have to do instead. So the
+nearer Mrs. Plaistow approached, the more invisible she became to Miss
+Mapp's eye, and when she was within saluting distance had vanished
+altogether. Simultaneously Miss Poppit came out of the stationer's in
+the High Street.
+
+Mrs. Plaistow turned the corner below Miss Mapp's window, and went
+bobbing along down the steep hill. She walked with the motion of those
+mechanical dolls sold in the street, which have three legs set as spokes
+to a circle, so that their feet emerge from their dress with Dutch and
+rigid regularity, and her figure had a certain squat rotundity that
+suited her gait. She distinctly looked into Captain Puffin's dining-room
+window as she passed, and with the misplaced juvenility so
+characteristic of her waggled her plump little hand at it. At the corner
+beyond Major Flint's house she hesitated a moment, and turned off down
+the entry into the side street where Mr. Wyse lived. The dentist lived
+there, too, and as Mr. Wyse was away on the continent of Europe, Mrs.
+Plaistow was almost certain to be visiting the other. Rapidly Miss Mapp
+remembered that at Mrs. Bartlett's bridge party yesterday Mrs. Plaistow
+had selected soft chocolates for consumption instead of those stuffed
+with nougat or almonds. That furnished additional evidence for the
+dentist, for generally you could not get a nougat chocolate at all if
+Godiva Plaistow had been in the room for more than a minute or two....
+As she crossed the narrow cobbled roadway, with the grass growing
+luxuriantly between the rounded pebbles, she stumbled and recovered
+herself with a swift little forward run, and the circular feet twinkled
+with the rapidity of those of a thrush scudding over the lawn.
+
+By this time Isabel Poppit had advanced as far as the fish shop three
+doors below the turning down which Mrs. Plaistow had vanished. Her
+prancing progress paused there for a moment, and she waited with one
+knee highly elevated, like a statue of a curveting horse, before she
+finally decided to pass on. But she passed no further than the fruit
+shop next door, and took the three steps that elevated it from the
+street in a single prance, with her Roman nose high in the air.
+Presently she emerged, but with no obvious rotundity like that of a
+melon projecting from her basket, so that Miss Mapp could see exactly
+what she had purchased, and went back to the fish shop again. Surely she
+would not put fish on the top of fruit, and even as Miss Mapp's lucid
+intelligence rejected this supposition, the true solution struck her.
+"Ice," she said to herself, and, sure enough, projecting from the top of
+Miss Poppit's basket when she came out was an angular peak, wrapped up
+in paper already wet.
+
+Miss Poppit came up the street and Miss Mapp put up her illustrated
+paper again, with the revolting picture of the Brighton sea-nymphs
+turned towards the window. Peeping out behind it, she observed that Miss
+Poppit's basket was apparently oozing with bright venous blood, and
+felt certain that she had bought red currants. That, coupled with the
+ice, made conjecture complete. She had bought red currants slightly
+damaged (or they would not have oozed so speedily), in order to make
+that iced red-currant fool of which she had so freely partaken at Miss
+Mapp's last bridge party. That was a very scurvy trick, for iced
+red-currant fool was an invention of Miss Mapp's, who, when it was
+praised, said that she inherited the recipe from her grandmother. But
+Miss Poppit had evidently entered the lists against Grandmamma Mapp, and
+she had as evidently guessed that quite inferior fruit--fruit that was
+distinctly "off," was undetectable when severely iced. Miss Mapp could
+only hope that the fruit in the basket now bobbing past her window was
+so much "off" that it had begun to ferment. Fermented red-currant fool
+was nasty to the taste, and, if persevered in, disastrous in its
+effects. General unpopularity might be needed to teach Miss Poppit not
+to trespass on Grandmamma Mapp's preserves.
+
+Isabel Poppit lived with a flashy and condescending mother just round
+the corner beyond the gardener's cottage, and opposite the west end of
+the church. They were comparatively new inhabitants of Tilling, having
+settled here only two or three years ago, and Tilling had not yet quite
+ceased to regard them as rather suspicious characters. Suspicion
+smouldered, though it blazed no longer. They were certainly rich, and
+Miss Mapp suspected them of being profiteers. They kept a butler, of
+whom they were both in considerable awe, who used almost to shrug his
+shoulders when Mrs. Poppit gave him an order: they kept a motor-car to
+which Mrs. Poppit was apt to allude more frequently than would have
+been natural if she had always been accustomed to one, and they went to
+Switzerland for a month every winter and to Scotland "for the
+shooting-season," as Mrs. Poppit terribly remarked, every summer. This
+all looked very black, and though Isabel conformed to the manners of
+Tilling in doing household shopping every morning with her wicker
+basket, and buying damaged fruit for fool, and in dressing in the
+original home-made manner indicated by good breeding and narrow incomes,
+Miss Mapp was sadly afraid that these habits were not the outcome of
+chaste and instinctive simplicity, but of the ambition to be received by
+the old families of Tilling as one of them. But what did a true
+Tillingite want with a butler and a motor-car? And if these were not
+sufficient to cast grave doubts on the sincerity of the inhabitants of
+"Ye Smalle House," there was still very vivid in Miss Mapp's mind that
+dreadful moment, undimmed by the years that had passed over it, when
+Mrs. Poppit broke the silence at an altogether too sumptuous lunch by
+asking Mrs. Plaistow if she did not find the super-tax a grievous burden
+on "our little incomes." ... Miss Mapp had drawn in her breath sharply,
+as if in pain, and after a few gasps turned the conversation.... Worst
+of all, perhaps, because more recent, was the fact that Mrs. Poppit had
+just received the dignity of the M.B.E., or Member of the Order of the
+British Empire, and put it on her cards too, as if to keep the scandal
+alive. Her services in connection with the Tilling hospital had been
+entirely confined to putting her motor-car at its disposal when she did
+not want it herself, and not a single member of the Tilling Working
+Club, which had knitted its fingers to the bone and made enough
+seven-tailed bandages to reach to the moon, had been offered a similar
+decoration. If anyone had she would have known what to do: a stinging
+letter to the Prime Minister saying that she worked not with hope of
+distinction, but from pure patriotism, would have certainly been Miss
+Mapp's rejoinder. She actually drafted the letter, when Mrs. Poppit's
+name appeared, and diligently waded through column after column of
+subsequent lists, to make sure that she, the originator of the Tilling
+Working Club, had not been the victim of a similar insult.
+
+Mrs. Poppit was a climber: that was what she was, and Miss Mapp was
+obliged to confess that very nimble she had been. The butler and the
+motor-car (so frequently at the disposal of Mrs. Poppit's friends) and
+the incessant lunches and teas had done their work; she had fed rather
+than starved Tilling into submission, and Miss Mapp felt that she alone
+upheld the dignity of the old families. She was positively the only old
+family (and a solitary spinster at that) who had not surrendered to the
+Poppits. Naturally she did not carry her staunchness to the extent, so
+to speak, of a hunger-strike, for that would be singular conduct, only
+worthy of suffragettes, and she partook of the Poppits' hospitality to
+the fullest extent possible, but (here her principles came in) she never
+returned the hospitality of the Member of the British Empire, though she
+occasionally asked Isabel to her house, and abused her soundly on all
+possible occasions....
+
+This spiteful retrospect passed swiftly and smoothly through Miss Mapp's
+mind, and did not in the least take off from the acuteness with which
+she observed the tide in the affairs of Tilling which, after the ebb of
+the night, was now flowing again, nor did it, a few minutes after
+Isabel's disappearance round the corner, prevent her from hearing the
+faint tinkle of the telephone in her own house. At that she started to
+her feet, but paused again at the door. She had shrewd suspicions about
+her servants with regard to the telephone: she was convinced (though at
+present she had not been able to get any evidence on the point) that
+both her cook and her parlourmaid used it for their own base purposes at
+her expense, and that their friends habitually employed it for
+conversation with them. And perhaps--who knows?--her housemaid was the
+worst of the lot, for she affected an almost incredible stupidity with
+regard to the instrument, and pretended not to be able either to speak
+through it or to understand its cacklings. All that might very well be
+assumed in order to divert suspicion, so Miss Mapp paused by the door to
+let any of these delinquents get deep in conversation with her friend: a
+soft and stealthy advance towards the room called the morning-room (a
+small apartment opening out of the hall, and used chiefly for the
+bestowal of hats and cloaks and umbrellas) would then enable her to
+catch one of them red-mouthed, or at any rate to overhear fragments of
+conversation which would supply equally direct evidence.
+
+She had got no further than the garden-door into her house when Withers,
+her parlourmaid, came out. Miss Mapp thereupon began to smile and hum a
+tune. Then the smile widened and the tune stopped.
+
+"Yes, Withers?" she said. "Were you looking for me?"
+
+"Yes, Miss," said Withers. "Miss Poppit has just rung you up----"
+
+Miss Mapp looked much surprised.
+
+"And to think that the telephone should have rung without my hearing
+it," she said. "I must be growing deaf, Withers, in my old age. What
+does Miss Poppit want?"
+
+"She hopes you will be able to go to tea this afternoon and play bridge.
+She expects that a few friends may look in at a quarter to four."
+
+A flood of lurid light poured into Miss Mapp's mind. To expect that a
+few friends may look in was the orthodox way of announcing a regular
+party to which she had not been asked, and Miss Mapp knew as if by a
+special revelation that if she went, she would find that she made the
+eighth to complete two tables of bridge. When the butler opened the
+door, he would undoubtedly have in his hand a half sheet of paper on
+which were written the names of the expected friends, and if the
+caller's name was not on that list, he would tell her with brazen
+impudence that neither Mrs. Poppit nor Miss Poppit were at home, while,
+before the baffled visitor had turned her back, he would admit another
+caller who duly appeared on his reference paper.... So then the Poppits
+were giving a bridge-party to which she had only been bidden at the last
+moment, clearly to take the place of some expected friend who had
+developed influenza, lost an aunt or been obliged to go to London: here,
+too, was the explanation of why (as she had overheard yesterday) Major
+Flint and Captain Puffin were only intending to play one round of golf
+to-day, and to come back by the 2.20 train. And why seek any further for
+the explanation of the lump of ice and the red currants (probably
+damaged) which she had observed Isabel purchase? And anyone could see
+(at least Miss Mapp could) why she had gone to the stationer's in the
+High Street just before. Packs of cards.
+
+Who the expected friend was who had disappointed Mrs. Poppit could be
+thought out later: at present, as Miss Mapp smiled at Withers and hummed
+her tune again, she had to settle whether she was going to be delighted
+to accept, or obliged to decline. The argument in favour of being
+obliged to decline was obvious: Mrs. Poppit deserved to be "served out"
+for not including her among the original guests, and if she declined it
+was quite probable that at this late hour her hostess might not be able
+to get anyone else, and so one of her tables would be completely
+spoiled. In favour of accepting was the fact that she would get a rubber
+of bridge and a good tea, and would be able to say something
+disagreeable about the red-currant fool, which would serve Miss Poppit
+out for attempting to crib her ancestral dishes....
+
+A bright, a joyous, a diabolical idea struck her, and she went herself
+to the telephone, and genteelly wiped the place where Withers had
+probably breathed on it.
+
+"So kind of you, Isabel," she said, "but I am very busy to-day, and you
+didn't give me much notice, did you? So I'll try to look in if I can,
+shall I? I might be able to squeeze it in."
+
+There was a pause, and Miss Mapp knew that she had put Isabel in a hole.
+If she successfully tried to get somebody else, Miss Mapp might find she
+could squeeze it in, and there would be nine. If she failed to get
+someone else, and Miss Mapp couldn't squeeze it in, then there would be
+seven.... Isabel wouldn't have a tranquil moment all day.
+
+"Ah, do squeeze it in," she said in those horrid wheedling tones which
+for some reason Major Flint found so attractive. That was one of the
+weak points about him, and there were many, many others. But that was
+among those which Miss Mapp found it difficult to condone.
+
+"If I possibly can," said Miss Mapp. "But at this late hour--Good-bye,
+dear, or only _au reservoir_, we hope."
+
+She heard Isabel's polite laugh at this nearly new and delicious
+Malaprop before she rang off. Isabel collected malaprops and wrote them
+out in a note book. If you reversed the note-book and began at the other
+end, you would find the collection of Spoonerisms, which were very
+amusing, too.
+
+Tea, followed by a bridge-party, was, in summer, the chief manifestation
+of the spirit of hospitality in Tilling. Mrs. Poppit, it is true, had
+attempted to do something in the way of dinner-parties, but though she
+was at liberty to give as many dinner-parties as she pleased, nobody
+else had followed her ostentatious example. Dinner-parties entailed a
+higher scale of living; Miss Mapp, for one, had accurately counted the
+cost of having three hungry people to dinner, and found that one such
+dinner-party was not nearly compensated for, in the way of expense, by
+being invited to three subsequent dinner-parties by your guests.
+Voluptuous teas were the rule, after which you really wanted no more
+than little bits of things, a cup of soup, a slice of cold tart, or a
+dished-up piece of fish and some toasted cheese. Then, after the
+excitement of bridge (and bridge was very exciting in Tilling), a
+jig-saw puzzle or Patience cooled your brain and composed your nerves.
+In winter, however, with its scarcity of daylight, Tilling commonly gave
+evening bridge-parties, and asked the requisite number of friends to
+drop in after dinner, though everybody knew that everybody else had only
+partaken of bits of things. Probably the ruinous price of coal had
+something to do with these evening bridge-parties, for the fire that
+warmed your room when you were alone would warm all your guests as well,
+and then, when your hospitality was returned, you could let your
+sitting-room fire go out. But though Miss Mapp was already planning
+something in connection with winter bridge, winter was a long way off
+yet....
+
+Before Miss Mapp got back to her window in the garden-room Mrs. Poppit's
+great offensive motor-car, which she always alluded to as "the Royce,"
+had come round the corner and, stopping opposite Major Flint's house,
+was entirely extinguishing all survey of the street beyond. It was clear
+enough then that she had sent the Royce to take the two out to the
+golf-links, so that they should have time to play their round and catch
+the 2.20 back to Tilling again, so as to be in good time for the
+bridge-party. Even as she looked, Major Flint came out of his house on
+one side of the Royce and Captain Puffin on the other. The Royce
+obstructed their view of each other, and simultaneously each of them
+shouted across to the house of the other. Captain Puffin emitted a loud
+"Coo-ee, Major," (an Australian ejaculation, learned on his voyages),
+while Major Flint bellowed "Qui-hi, Captain," which, all the world knew,
+was of Oriental origin. The noise each of them made prevented him from
+hearing the other, and presently one in a fuming hurry to start ran
+round in front of the car at the precise moment that the other ran round
+behind it, and they both banged loudly on each other's knockers. These
+knocks were not so precisely simultaneous as the shouts had been, and
+this led to mutual discovery, hailed with peals of falsetto laughter on
+the part of Captain Puffin and the more manly guffaws of the Major....
+After that the Royce lumbered down the grass-grown cobbles of the
+street, and after a great deal of reversing managed to turn the corner.
+
+Miss Mapp set off with her basket to do her shopping. She carried in it
+the weekly books, which she would leave, with payment but not without
+argument, at the tradesmen's shops. There was an item for suet which
+she intended to resist to the last breath in her body, though her
+butcher would probably surrender long before that. There was an item for
+eggs at the dairy which she might have to pay, though it was a monstrous
+overcharge. She had made up her mind about the laundry, she intended to
+pay that bill with an icy countenance and say "Good morning for ever,"
+or words to that effect, unless the proprietor instantly produced
+the--the article of clothing which had been lost in the wash (like King
+John's treasures), or refunded an ample sum for the replacing of it. All
+these quarrelsome errands were meat and drink to Miss Mapp: Tuesday
+morning, the day on which she paid and disputed her weekly bills, was as
+enjoyable as Sunday mornings when, sitting close under the pulpit, she
+noted the glaring inconsistencies and grammatical errors in the
+discourse. After the bills were paid and business was done, there was
+pleasure to follow, for there was a fitting-on at the dress-maker's, the
+fitting-on of a tea-gown, to be worn at winter-evening bridge-parties,
+which, unless Miss Mapp was sadly mistaken, would astound and agonize by
+its magnificence all who set eyes on it. She had found the description
+of it, as worn by Mrs. Titus W. Trout, in an American fashion paper; it
+was of what was described as kingfisher blue, and had lumps and wedges
+of lace round the edge of the skirt, and orange chiffon round the neck.
+As she set off with her basket full of tradesmen's books, she pictured
+to herself with watering mouth the fury, the jealousy, the madness of
+envy which it would raise in all properly-constituted breasts.
+
+In spite of her malignant curiosity and her cancerous suspicions about
+all her friends, in spite, too, of her restless activities, Miss Mapp
+was not, as might have been expected, a lady of lean and emaciated
+appearance. She was tall and portly, with plump hands, a broad,
+benignant face and dimpled, well-nourished cheeks. An acute observer
+might have detected a danger warning in the sidelong glances of her
+rather bulgy eyes, and in a certain tightness at the corners of her
+expansive mouth, which boded ill for any who came within snapping
+distance, but to a more superficial view she was a rollicking,
+good-natured figure of a woman. Her mode of address, too, bore out this
+misleading impression: nothing, for instance, could have been more
+genial just now than her telephone voice to Isabel Poppit, or her smile
+to Withers, even while she so strongly suspected her of using the
+telephone for her own base purposes, and as she passed along the High
+Street, she showered little smiles and bows on acquaintances and
+friends. She markedly drew back her lips in speaking, being in no way
+ashamed of her long white teeth, and wore a practically perpetual smile
+when there was the least chance of being under observation. Though at
+sermon time on Sunday, as has been already remarked, she greedily noted
+the weaknesses and errors of which those twenty minutes was so
+rewardingly full, she sat all the time with down-dropped eyes and a
+pretty sacred smile on her lips, and now, when she spied on the other
+side of the street the figure of the vicar, she tripped slantingly
+across the road to him, as if by the move of a knight at chess, looking
+everywhere else, and only perceiving him with glad surprise at the very
+last moment. He was a great frequenter of tea parties and except in Lent
+an assiduous player of bridge, for a clergyman's duties, so he very
+properly held, were not confined to visiting the poor and exhorting the
+sinner. He should be a man of the world, and enter into the pleasures of
+his prosperous parishioners, as well as into the trials of the
+troubled. Being an accomplished card-player he entered not only into
+their pleasures but their pockets, and there was no lady of Tilling who
+was not pleased to have Mr. Bartlett for a partner. His winnings, so he
+said, he gave annually to charitable objects, though whether the
+charities he selected began at home was a point on which Miss Mapp had
+quite made up her mind. "Not a penny of that will the poor ever see,"
+was the gist of her reflections when on disastrous days she paid him
+seven-and-ninepence. She always called him "Padre," and had never
+actually caught him looking over his adversaries' hands.
+
+"Good morning, Padre," she said as soon as she perceived him. "What a
+lovely day! The white butterflies were enjoying themselves so in the
+sunshine in my garden. And the swallows!"
+
+Miss Mapp, as every reader will have perceived, wanted to know whether
+he was playing bridge this afternoon at the Poppits. Major Flint and
+Captain Puffin certainly were, and it might be taken for granted that
+Godiva Plaistow was. With the Poppits and herself that made six....
+
+Mr. Bartlett was humorously archaic in speech. He interlarded archaisms
+with Highland expressions, and his face was knobby, like a chest of
+drawers.
+
+"Ha, good morrow, fair dame," he said. "And prithee, art not thou even
+as ye white butterflies?"
+
+"Oh, Mr. Bartlett," said the fair dame with a provocative glance.
+"Naughty! Comparing me to a delicious butterfly!"
+
+"Nay, prithee, why naughty?" said he. "Yea, indeed, it's a day to make
+ye little fowles rejoice! Ha! I perceive you are on the errands of the
+guid wife Martha." And he pointed to the basket.
+
+"Yes; Tuesday morning," said Miss Mapp. "I pay all my household books on
+Tuesday. Poor but honest, dear Padre. What a rush life is to-day! I
+hardly know which way to turn. Little duties in all directions! And you;
+you're always busy! Such a busy bee!"
+
+"Busy B? Busy Bartlett, quo' she! Yes, I'm a busy B to-day, Mistress
+Mapp. Sermon all morning: choir practice at three, a baptism at six. No
+time for a walk to-day, let alone a bit turn at the gowf."
+
+Miss Mapp saw her opening, and made a busy bee line for it.
+
+"Oh, but you should get regular exercise, Padre," said she. "You take no
+care of yourself. After the choir practice now, and before the baptism,
+you could have a brisk walk. To please me!"
+
+"Yes. I had meant to get a breath of air then," said he. "But ye guid
+Dame Poppit has insisted that I take a wee hand at the cartes with them,
+the wifey and I. Prithee, shall we meet there?"
+
+("That makes seven without me," thought Miss Mapp in parenthesis.) Aloud
+she said:
+
+"If I can squeeze it in, Padre. I have promised dear Isabel to do my
+best."
+
+"Well, and a lassie can do no mair," said he. "Au reservoir then."
+
+Miss Mapp was partly pleased, partly annoyed by the agility with which
+the Padre brought out her own particular joke. It was she who had
+brought it down to Tilling, and she felt she had an option on it at the
+end of every interview, if she meant (as she had done on this occasion)
+to bring it out. On the other hand it was gratifying to see how popular
+it had become. She had heard it last month when on a visit to a friend
+at that sweet and refined village called Riseholme. It was rather
+looked down on there, as not being sufficiently intellectual. But within
+a week of Miss Mapp's return, Tilling rang with it, and she let it be
+understood that she was the original humorist.
+
+Godiva Plaistow came whizzing along the pavement, a short, stout,
+breathless body who might, so thought Miss Mapp, have acted up to the
+full and fell associations of her Christian name without exciting the
+smallest curiosity on the part of the lewd. (Miss Mapp had much the same
+sort of figure, but her height, so she was perfectly satisfied to
+imagine, converted corpulence into majesty.) The swift alternation of
+those Dutch-looking feet gave the impression that Mrs. Plaistow was
+going at a prodigious speed, but they could stop revolving without any
+warning, and then she stood still. Just when a collision with Miss Mapp
+seemed imminent, she came to a dead halt.
+
+It was as well to be quite certain that she was going to the Poppits,
+and Miss Mapp forgave and forgot about the worsted until she had found
+out. She could never quite manage the indelicacy of saying "Godiva,"
+whatever Mrs. Plaistow's figure and age might happen to be, but always
+addressed her as "Diva," very affectionately, whenever they were on
+speaking terms.
+
+"What a lovely morning, Diva darling," she said; and noticing that Mr.
+Bartlett was well out of earshot, "The white butterflies were enjoying
+themselves so in the sunshine in my garden. And the swallows."
+
+Godiva was telegraphic in speech.
+
+"Lucky birds," she said. "No teeth. Beaks."
+
+Miss Mapp remembered her disappearance round the dentist's corner half
+an hour ago, and her own firm inference on the problem.
+
+"Toothache, darling?" she said. "So sorry."
+
+"Wisdom," said Godiva. "Out at one o'clock. Gas. Ready for bridge this
+afternoon. Playing? Poppits."
+
+"If I can squeeze it in, dear," said Miss Mapp. "Such a hustle to-day."
+
+Diva put her hand to her face as "wisdom" gave her an awful twinge. Of
+course she did not believe in the "hustle," but her pangs prevented her
+from caring much.
+
+"Meet you then," she said. "Shall be all comfortable then. Au----"
+
+This was more than could be borne, and Miss Mapp hastily interrupted.
+
+"Au reservoir, Diva dear," she said with extreme acerbity, and Diva's
+feet began swiftly revolving again.
+
+The problem about the bridge-party thus seemed to be solved. The two
+Poppits, the two Bartletts, the Major and the Captain with Diva darling
+and herself made eight, and Miss Mapp with a sudden recrudescence of
+indignation against Isabel with regard to the red-currant fool and the
+belated invitation, made up her mind that she would not be able to
+squeeze it in, thus leaving the party one short. Even apart from the
+red-currant fool it served the Poppits right for not asking her
+originally, but only when, as seemed now perfectly clear, somebody else
+had disappointed them. But just as she emerged from the butcher's shop,
+having gained a complete victory in the matter of that suet, without
+expending the last breath in her body or anything like it, the whole of
+the seemingly solid structure came toppling to the ground. For on
+emerging, flushed with triumph, leaving the baffled butcher to try his
+tricks on somebody else if he chose but not on Miss Mapp, she ran
+straight into the Disgrace of Tilling and her sex, the suffragette,
+post-impressionist artist (who painted from the nude, both male and
+female), the socialist and the Germanophil, all incarnate in one frame.
+In spite of these execrable antecedents, it was quite in vain that Miss
+Mapp had tried to poison the collective mind of Tilling against this
+Creature. If she hated anybody, and she undoubtedly did, she hated Irene
+Coles. The bitterest part of it all was that if Miss Coles was amused at
+anybody, and she undoubtedly was, she was amused at Miss Mapp.
+
+Miss Coles was strolling along in the attire to which Tilling generally
+had got accustomed, but Miss Mapp never. She had an old wide-awake hat
+jammed down on her head, a tall collar and stock, a large loose coat,
+knickerbockers and grey stockings. In her mouth was a cigarette, in her
+hand she swung the orthodox wicker-basket. She had certainly been to the
+other fishmonger's at the end of the High Street, for a lobster, revived
+perhaps after a sojourn on the ice, by this warm sun, which the
+butterflies and the swallows had been rejoicing in, was climbing with
+claws and waving legs over the edge of it.
+
+Irene removed her cigarette from her mouth and did something in the
+gutter which is usually associated with the floor of third-class smoking
+carriages. Then her handsome, boyish face, more boyish because her hair
+was closely clipped, broke into a broad grin.
+
+"Hullo, Mapp!" she said. "Been giving the tradesmen what for on Tuesday
+morning?"
+
+Miss Mapp found it extremely difficult to bear this obviously insolent
+form of address without a spasm of rage. Irene called her Mapp because
+she chose to, and Mapp (more bitterness) felt it wiser not to provoke
+Coles. She had a dreadful, humorous tongue, an indecent disregard of
+public or private opinion, and her gift of mimicry was as appalling as
+her opinion about the Germans. Sometimes Miss Mapp alluded to her as
+"quaint Irene," but that was as far as she got in the way of reprisals.
+
+"Oh, you sweet thing!" she said. "Treasure!"
+
+Irene, in some ghastly way, seemed to take note of this. Why men like
+Captain Puffin and Major Flint found Irene "fetching" and "killing" was
+more than Miss Mapp could understand, or wanted to understand.
+
+Quaint Irene looked down at her basket.
+
+"Why, there's my lunch going over the top like those beastly British
+Tommies," she said, "Get back, love."
+
+Miss Mapp could not quite determine whether "love" was a sarcastic echo
+of "Treasure." It seemed probable.
+
+"Oh, what a dear little lobster," she said. "Look at his sweet claws."
+
+"I shall do more than look at them soon," said Irene, poking it into her
+basket again. "Come and have tiffin, qui-hi, I've got to look after
+myself to-day."
+
+"What has happened to your devoted Lucy?" asked Miss Mapp. Irene lived
+in a very queer way with one gigantic maid, who, but for her sex, might
+have been in the Guards.
+
+"Ill. I suspect scarlet-fever," said Irene. "Very infectious, isn't it?
+I was up nursing her all last night."
+
+Miss Mapp recoiled. She did not share Major Flint's robust views about
+microbes.
+
+"But I hope, dear, you've thoroughly disinfected----"
+
+"Oh, yes. Soap and water," said Irene. "By the way, are you Poppiting
+this afternoon?"
+
+"If I can squeeze it in," said Miss Mapp.
+
+"We'll meet again, then. Oh----"
+
+"Au reservoir," said Miss Mapp instantly.
+
+"No; not that silly old chestnut!" said Irene. "I wasn't going to say
+that. I was only going to say: 'Oh, do come to tiffin.' You and me and
+the lobster. Then you and me. But it's a bore about Lucy. I was painting
+her. Fine figure, gorgeous legs. You wouldn't like to sit for me till
+she's well again?"
+
+Miss Mapp gave a little squeal and bolted into her dressmaker's. She
+always felt battered after a conversation with Irene, and needed
+kingfisher blue to restore her.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER II
+
+
+There is not in all England a town so blatantly picturesque as Tilling,
+nor one, for the lover of level marsh land, of tall reedy dykes, of
+enormous sunsets and rims of blue sea on the horizon, with so fortunate
+an environment. The hill on which it is built rises steeply from the
+level land, and, crowned by the great grave church so conveniently close
+to Miss Mapp's residence, positively consists of quaint corners,
+rough-cast and timber cottages, and mellow Georgian fronts. Corners and
+quaintnesses, gems, glimpses and bits are an obsession to the artist,
+and in consequence, during the summer months, not only did the majority
+of its inhabitants turn out into the cobbled ways with sketching-blocks,
+canvases and paintboxes, but every morning brought into the town
+charabancs from neighbouring places loaded with passengers, many of whom
+joined the artistic residents, and you would have thought (until an
+inspection of their productions convinced you of the contrary) that some
+tremendous outburst of Art was rivalling the Italian Renaissance. For
+those who were capable of tackling straight lines and the intricacies of
+perspective there were the steep cobbled streets of charming and
+irregular architecture, while for those who rightly felt themselves
+colourists rather than architectural draughtsmen, there was the view
+from the top of the hill over the marshes. There, but for one straight
+line to mark the horizon (and that could easily be misty) there were no
+petty conventionalities in the way of perspective, and the eager
+practitioner could almost instantly plunge into vivid greens and
+celestial blues, or, at sunset, into pinks and chromes and rose-madder.
+
+Tourists who had no pictorial gifts would pick their way among the
+sketchers, and search the shops for cracked china and bits of brass. Few
+if any of them left without purchasing one of the famous Tilling
+money-boxes, made in the shape of a pottery pig, who bore on his back
+that remarkable legend of his authenticity which ran:
+
+    "I won't be druv,
+    Though I am willing.
+    Good morning, my love,
+    Said the Pig of Tilling."
+
+Miss Mapp had a long shelf full of these in every colour to adorn her
+dining-room. The one which completed her collection, of a pleasant
+magenta colour, had only just been acquired. She called them "My sweet
+rainbow of piggies," and often when she came down to breakfast,
+especially if Withers was in the room, she said: "Good morning, quaint
+little piggies." When Withers had left the room she counted them.
+
+The corner where the street took a turn towards the church, just below
+the window of her garden-room, was easily the most popular stance for
+sketchers. You were bewildered and bowled over by "bits." For the most
+accomplished of all there was that rarely attempted feat, the view of
+the steep downward street, which, in spite of all the efforts of the
+artist, insisted, in the sketch, on going up hill instead. Then, next in
+difficulty, was the street after it had turned, running by the
+gardener's cottage up to the churchyard and the church. This, in spite
+of its difficulty, was a very favourite subject, for it included, on the
+right of the street, just beyond Miss Mapp's garden wall, the famous
+crooked chimney, which was continually copied from every point of view.
+The expert artist would draw it rather more crooked than it really was,
+in order that there might be no question that he had not drawn it
+crooked by accident. This sketch was usually negotiated from the three
+steps in front of Miss Mapp's front door. Opposite the
+church-and-chimney-artists would sit others, drawing the front door
+itself (difficult), and moistening their pencils at their cherry lips,
+while a little further down the street was another battalion hard at
+work at the gabled front of the garden-room and its picturesque bow. It
+was a favourite occupation of Miss Mapp's, when there was a decent
+gathering of artists outside, to pull a table right into the window of
+the garden-room, in full view of them, and, quite unconscious of their
+presence, to arrange flowers there with a smiling and pensive
+countenance. She had other little playful public pastimes: she would get
+her kitten from the house, and induce it to sit on the table while she
+diverted it with the tassel of the blind, and she would kiss it on its
+sweet little sooty head, or she would write letters in the window, or
+play Patience there, and then suddenly become aware that there was no
+end of ladies and gentlemen looking at her. Sometimes she would come out
+of the house, if the steps were very full, with her own sketching
+paraphernalia in her hands and say, ever so coyly: "May I scriggle
+through?" or ask the squatters on her own steps if they could find a
+little corner for her. That was so interesting for them: they would
+remember afterwards that just while they were engaged on their sketches,
+the lady of that beautiful house at the corner, who had been playing
+with her kitten in the window, came out to sketch too. She addressed
+gracious and yet humble remarks to them: "I see you are painting my
+sweet little home. May I look? Oh, what a lovely little sketch!" Once,
+on a never-to-be-forgotten day, she observed one of them take a camera
+from his pocket and rapidly focus her as she stood on the top step. She
+turned full-faced and smiling to the camera just in time to catch the
+click of the shutter, but then it was too late to hide her face, and
+perhaps the picture might appear in the _Graphic_ or the _Sketch_, or
+among the posturing nymphs of a neighbouring watering-place....
+
+This afternoon she was content to "scriggle" through the sketchers, and
+humming a little tune, she passed up to the churchyard. ("Scriggle" was
+one of her own words, highly popular; it connoted squeezing and
+wriggling.) There she carefully concealed herself under the boughs of
+the weeping ash tree directly opposite the famous south porch of the
+church. She had already drawn in the lines of this south porch on her
+sketching-block, transferring them there by means of a tracing from a
+photograph, so that formed a very promising beginning to her sketch. But
+she was nicely placed not only with regard to her sketch, for, by
+peeping through the pretty foliage of the tree, she could command the
+front door of Mrs. Poppit's (M.B.E.) house.
+
+Miss Mapp's plans for the bridge-party had, of course, been completely
+upset by the encounter with Irene in the High Street. Up till that
+moment she had imagined that, with the two ladies of the house and the
+Bartletts and the Major and the Captain and Godiva and herself, two
+complete tables of bridge would be formed, and she had, therefore,
+determined that she would not be able to squeeze the party into her
+numerous engagements, thereby spoiling the second table. But now
+everything was changed: there were eight without her, and unless, at a
+quarter to four, she saw reason to suppose, by noting the arrivals at
+the house, that three bridge tables were in contemplation, she had made
+up her mind to "squeeze it in," so that there would be nine gamblers,
+and Isabel or her mother, if they had any sense of hospitality to their
+guests, would be compelled to sit out for ever and ever. Miss Mapp had
+been urgently invited: sweet Isabel had made a great point of her
+squeezing it in, and if sweet Isabel, in order to be certain of a
+company of eight, had asked quaint Irene as well, it would serve her
+right. An additional reason, besides this piece of good-nature in
+managing to squeeze it in, for the sake of sweet Isabel, lay in the fact
+that she would be able to take some red-currant fool, and after one
+spoonful exclaim "Delicious," and leave the rest uneaten.
+
+The white butterflies and the swallows were still enjoying themselves in
+the sunshine, and so, too, were the gnats, about whose pleasure,
+especially when they settled on her face, Miss Mapp did not care so
+much. But soon she quite ceased to regard them, for, before the quaint
+little gilded boys on each side of the clock above the north porch had
+hammered out the three-quarters after three on their bells, visitors
+began to arrive at the Poppits' door, and Miss Mapp was very active
+looking through the boughs of the weeping ash and sitting down again to
+smile and ponder over her sketch with her head a little on one side, if
+anybody approached. One by one the expected guests presented themselves
+and were admitted: Major Flint and Captain Puffin, the Padre and his
+wife, darling Diva with her head muffled in a "cloud," and finally
+Irene, still dressed as she had been in the morning, and probably
+reeking with scarlet-fever. With the two Poppits these made eight
+players, so as soon as Irene had gone in, Miss Mapp hastily put her
+sketching things away, and holding her admirably-accurate drawing with
+its wash of sky not quite dry, in her hand, hurried to the door, for it
+would never do to arrive after the two tables had started, since in that
+case it would be she who would have to sit out.
+
+Boon opened the door to her three staccato little knocks, and sulkily
+consulted his list. She duly appeared on it and was admitted. Having
+banged the door behind her he crushed the list up in his hand and threw
+it into the fireplace: all those whose presence was desired had arrived,
+and Boon would turn his bovine eye on any subsequent caller, and say
+that his mistress was out.
+
+"And may I put my sketching things down here, please, Boon," said Miss
+Mapp ingratiatingly. "And will no one touch my drawing? It's a little
+wet still. The church porch."
+
+Boon made a grunting noise like the Tilling pig, and slouched away in
+front of her down the passage leading to the garden, sniffing. There
+they were, with the two bridge-tables set out in a shady corner of the
+lawn, and a buffet vulgarly heaped with all sorts of dainty confections
+which made Miss Mapp's mouth water, obliging her to swallow rapidly once
+or twice before she could manage a wide, dry smile: Isabel advanced.
+
+"De-do, dear," said Miss Mapp. "Such a rush! But managed to squeeze it
+in, as you wouldn't let me off."
+
+"Oh, that was nice of you, Miss Mapp," said Isabel.
+
+A wild and awful surmise seized Miss Mapp.
+
+"And your dear mother?" she said. "Where is Mrs. Poppit?"
+
+"Mamma had to go to town this morning. She won't be back till close on
+dinner-time."
+
+Miss Mapp's smile closed up like a furled umbrella. The trap had snapped
+behind her: it was impossible now to scriggle away. She had completed,
+instead of spoiling, the second table.
+
+"So we're just eight," said Isabel, poking at her, so to speak, through
+the wires. "Shall we have a rubber first and then some tea? Or tea
+first. What says everybody?"
+
+Restless and hungry murmurs, like those heard at the sea-lions'
+enclosure in the Zoological Gardens when feeding-time approaches, seemed
+to indicate tea first, and with gallant greetings from the Major, and
+archaistic welcomes from the Padre, Miss Mapp headed the general
+drifting movement towards the buffet. There may have been tea there, but
+there was certainly iced coffee and Lager beer and large jugs with dew
+on the outside and vegetables floating in a bubbling liquid in the
+inside, and it was all so vulgar and opulent that with one accord
+everyone set to work in earnest, in order that the garden should present
+a less gross and greedy appearance. But there was no sign at present of
+the red-currant fool, which was baffling....
+
+"And have you had a good game of golf, Major?" asked Miss Mapp, making
+the best of these miserable circumstances. "Such a lovely day! The white
+butterflies were enjoying----"
+
+She became aware that Diva and the Padre, who had already heard about
+the white butterflies, were in her immediate neighbourhood, and broke
+off.
+
+"Which of you beat? Or should I say 'won!'" she asked.
+
+Major Flint's long moustache was dripping with Lager beer, and he made a
+dexterous, sucking movement.
+
+"Well, the Army and the Navy had it out," he said. "And for once
+Britain's Navy was not invincible, eh, Puffin?"
+
+Captain Puffin limped away pretending not to hear, and took his heaped
+plate and brimming glass in the direction of Irene.
+
+"But I'm sure Captain Puffin played quite beautifully too," said Miss
+Mapp in the vain attempt to detain him. She liked to collect all the men
+round her, and then scold them for not talking to the other ladies.
+
+"Well, a game's a game," said the Major. "It gets through the hours,
+Miss Mapp. Yes: we finished at the fourteenth hole, and hurried back to
+more congenial society. And what have you done to-day? Fairy-errands,
+I'll be bound. Titania! Ha!"
+
+Suet errands and errands about a missing article of underclothing were
+really the most important things that Miss Mapp had done to-day, now
+that her bridge-party scheme had so miscarried, but naturally she would
+not allude to these.
+
+"A little gardening," she said. "A little sketching. A little singing.
+Not time to change my frock and put on something less shabby. But I
+wouldn't have kept sweet Isabel's bridge-party waiting for anything, and
+so I came straight from my painting here. Padre, I've been trying to
+draw the lovely south porch. But so difficult! I shall give up trying to
+draw, and just enjoy myself with looking. And there's your dear Evie!
+How de do, Evie love?"
+
+Godiva Plaistow had taken off her cloud for purposes of mastication, but
+wound it tightly round her head again as soon as she had eaten as much
+as she could manage. This had to be done on one side of her mouth, or
+with the front teeth in the nibbling manner of a rabbit. Everybody, of
+course, by now knew that she had had a wisdom tooth out at one p.m. with
+gas, and she could allude to it without explanation.
+
+"Dreamed I was playing bridge," she said, "and had a hand of aces. As I
+played the first it went off in my hand. All over. Blood. Hope it'll
+come true. Bar the blood."
+
+Miss Mapp found herself soon afterwards partnered with Major Flint and
+opposed by Irene and the Padre. They had hardly begun to consider their
+first hands when Boon staggered out into the garden under the weight of
+a large wooden bucket, packed with ice, that surrounded an interior
+cylinder.
+
+"Red currant fool at last," thought Miss Mapp, adding aloud: "O poor
+little me, is it, to declare? Shall I say 'no trumps?'"
+
+"Mustn't consult your partner, Mapp," said Irene, puffing the end of her
+cigarette out of its holder. Irene was painfully literal.
+
+"I don't, darling," said Miss Mapp, beginning to fizz a little. "No
+trumps. Not a trump. Not any sort of trump. There! What are we playing
+for, by the way?"
+
+"Bob a hundred," said the Padre, forgetting to be either Scotch or
+archaic.
+
+"Oh, gambler! You want the poor-box to be the rich box, Padre," said
+Miss Mapp, surveying her magnificent hand with the greatest
+satisfaction. If it had not contained so many court-cards, she would
+have proposed playing for sixpence, not a shilling a hundred.
+
+All semblance of manners was invariably thrown to the winds by the
+ladies of Tilling when once bridge began; primeval hatred took their
+place. The winners of any hand were exasperatingly condescending to the
+losers, and the losers correspondingly bitter and tremulous. Miss Mapp
+failed to get her contract, as her partner's contribution to success
+consisted of more twos and threes than were ever seen together before,
+and when quaint Irene at the end said, "Bad luck, Mapp," Miss Mapp's
+hands trembled so much with passion that she with difficulty marked the
+score. But she could command her voice sufficiently to say, "Lovely of
+you to be sympathetic, dear." Irene in answer gave a short, hoarse laugh
+and dealed.
+
+By this time Boon had deposited at the left hand of each player a cup
+containing a red creamy fluid, on the surface of which bubbles
+intermittently appeared. Isabel, at this moment being dummy, had
+strolled across from the other table to see that everybody was
+comfortable and provided with sustenance in times of stress, and here
+was clearly the proper opportunity for Miss Mapp to take a spoonful of
+this attempt at red-currant fool, and with a wry face, hastily (but not
+too hastily) smothered in smiles, to push the revolting compound away
+from her. But the one spoonful that she took was so delicious and
+exhilarating, that she was positively unable to be good for Isabel.
+Instead, she drank her cup to the dregs in an absent manner, while
+considering how many trumps were out. The red-currant fool made a
+similarly agreeable impression on Major Flint.
+
+"'Pon my word," he said. "That's amazingly good. Cooling on a hot day
+like this. Full of champagne."
+
+Miss Mapp, seeing that it was so popular, had, of course, to claim it
+again as a family invention.
+
+"No, dear Major," she said. "There's no champagne in it. It's my
+Grandmamma Mapp's famous red-currant fool, with little additions perhaps
+by me. No champagne: yolk of egg and a little cream. Dear Isabel has got
+it very nearly right."
+
+The Padre had promised to take more tricks in diamonds than he had the
+slightest chance of doing. His mental worry communicated itself to his
+voice.
+
+"And why should there be nary a wee drappie o' champagne in it?" he
+said, "though your Grandmamma Mapp did invent it. Weel, let's see your
+hand, partner. Eh, that's a sair sight."
+
+"And there'll be a sair wee score agin us when ye're through with the
+playin' o' it," said Irene, in tones that could not be acquitted of a
+mocking intent. "Why the hell--hallelujah did you go on when I didn't
+support you?"
+
+Even that one glass of red-currant fool, though there was no champagne
+in it, had produced, together with the certainty that her opponent had
+overbidden his hand, a pleasant exhilaration in Miss Mapp; but yolk of
+egg, as everybody knew, was a strong stimulant. Suddenly the name
+red-currant fool seemed very amusing to her.
+
+"Red-currant fool!" she said. "What a quaint, old-fashioned name! I
+shall invent some others. I shall tell my cook to make some
+gooseberry-idiot, or strawberry-donkey.... My play, I think. A ducky
+little ace of spades."
+
+"Haw! haw! gooseberry idiot!" said her partner. "Capital! You won't beat
+that in a hurry! And a two of spades on the top of it."
+
+"You wouldn't expect to find a two of spades at the bottom of it," said
+the Padre with singular acidity.
+
+The Major was quick to resent this kind of comment from a man, cloth or
+no cloth.
+
+"Well, by your leave, Bartlett, by your leave, I repeat," he said, "I
+shall expect to find twos of spades precisely where I please, and when I
+want your criticism----"
+
+Miss Mapp hastily intervened.
+
+"And after my wee ace, a little king-piece," she said. "And if my
+partner doesn't play the queen to it! Delicious! And I play just one
+more.... Yes ... lovely, partner puts wee trumpy on it! I'm not
+surprised; it takes more than that to surprise me; and then Padre's got
+another spade, I ken fine!"
+
+"Hoots!" said the Padre with temperate disgust.
+
+The hand proceeded for a round or two in silence, during which, by winks
+and gestures to Boon, the Major got hold of another cupful of
+red-currant fool. There was already a heavy penalty of tricks against
+Miss Mapp's opponents, and after a moment's refreshment, the Major led a
+club, of which, at this period, Miss Mapp seemed to have none. She felt
+happier than she had been ever since, trying to spoil Isabel's second
+table, she had only succeeded in completing it.
+
+"Little trumpy again," she said, putting it on with the lightness of one
+of the white butterflies and turning the trick. "Useful little
+trumpy----"
+
+She broke off suddenly from the chant of victory which ladies of Tilling
+were accustomed to indulge in during cross-roughs, for she discovered in
+her hand another more than useless little clubby.... The silence that
+succeeded became tense in quality. Miss Mapp knew she had revoked and
+squeezed her brains to think how she could possibly dispose of the card,
+while there was a certain calmness about the Padre, which but too
+clearly indicated that he was quite content to wait for the inevitable
+disclosure. This came at the last trick, and though Miss Mapp made one
+forlorn attempt to thrust the horrible little clubby underneath the
+other cards and gather them up, the Padre pounced on it.
+
+"What ho, fair lady!" he said, now completely restored. "Methinks thou
+art forsworn! Let me have a keek at the last trick but three! Verily I
+wis that thou didst trump ye club aforetime. I said so; there it is. Eh,
+that's bonny for us, partner!"
+
+Miss Mapp, of course, denied it all, and a ruthless reconstruction of
+the tricks took place. The Major, still busy with red-currant fool, was
+the last to grasp the disaster, and then instantly deplored the
+unsportsmanlike greed of his adversaries.
+
+"Well, I should have thought in a friendly game like this----" he said.
+"Of course, you're within your right, Bartlett: might is right, hey? but
+upon my word, a pound of flesh, you know.... Can't think what made you
+do it, partner."
+
+"You never asked me if I had any more clubs," said Miss Mapp shrilly,
+giving up for the moment the contention that she had not revoked. "I
+always ask if my partner has no more of a suit, and I always maintain
+that a revoke is more the partner's fault than the player's. Of course,
+if our adversaries claim it----"
+
+"Naturally we do, Mapp," said Irene. "You were down on me sharp enough
+the other day."
+
+Miss Mapp wrinkled her face up into the sweetest and extremest smile of
+which her mobile features were capable.
+
+"Darling, you won't mind my telling you that just at this moment you are
+being dummy," she said, "and so you mustn't speak a single word.
+Otherwise there is no revoke, even if there was at all, which I
+consider far from proved yet."
+
+There was no further proof possible beyond the clear and final evidence
+of the cards, and since everybody, including Miss Mapp herself, was
+perfectly well aware that she had revoked, their opponents merely marked
+up the penalty and the game proceeded. Miss Mapp, of course, following
+the rule of correct behaviour after revoking, stiffened into a state of
+offended dignity, and was extremely polite and distant with partner and
+adversaries alike. This demeanour became even more majestic when in the
+next hand the Major led out of turn. The moment he had done it, Miss
+Mapp hurriedly threw a random card out of her hand on to the table, in
+the hope that Irene, by some strange aberration, would think she had led
+first.
+
+"Wait a second," said she. "I call a lead. Give me a trump, please."
+
+Suddenly the awful expression as of some outraged empress faded from
+Miss Mapp's face, and she gave a little shriek of laughter which sounded
+like a squeaking slate pencil.
+
+"Haven't got one, dear," she said. "Now may I have your permission to
+lead what I think best? Thank you."
+
+There now existed between the four players that state of violent
+animosity which was the usual atmosphere towards the end of a rubber.
+But it would have been a capital mistake to suppose that they were not
+all enjoying themselves immensely. Emotion is the salt of life, and here
+was no end of salt. Everyone was overbidding his hand, and the penalty
+tricks were a glorious cause of vituperation, scarcely veiled, between
+the partners who had failed to make good, and caused epidemics of
+condescending sympathy from the adversaries which produced a passion in
+the losers far keener than their fury at having lost. What made the
+concluding stages of this contest the more exciting was that an evening
+breeze suddenly arising just as a deal was ended, made the cards rise in
+the air like a covey of partridges. They were recaptured, and all the
+hands were found to be complete with the exception of Miss Mapp's, which
+had a card missing. This, an ace of hearts, was discovered by the Padre,
+face upwards, in a bed of mignonette, and he was vehement in claiming a
+fresh deal, on the grounds that the card was exposed. Miss Mapp could
+not speak at all in answer to this preposterous claim: she could only
+smile at him, and proceed to declare trumps as if nothing had
+happened.... The Major alone failed to come up to the full measure of
+these enjoyments, for though all the rest of them were as angry with him
+as they were with each other, he remained in a most indecorous state of
+good-humour, drinking thirstily of the red-currant fool, and when he was
+dummy, quite failing to mind whether Miss Mapp got her contract or not.
+Captain Puffin, at the other table, seemed to be behaving with the same
+impropriety, for the sound of his shrill, falsetto laugh was as regular
+as his visits to the bucket of red-currant fool. What if there was
+champagne in it after all, so Miss Mapp luridly conjectured! What if
+this unseemly good-humour was due to incipient intoxication? She took a
+little more of that delicious decoction herself.
+
+It was unanimously determined, when the two rubbers came to an end
+almost simultaneously, that, as everything was so pleasant and
+agreeable, there should be no fresh sorting of the players. Besides, the
+second table was only playing stakes of sixpence a hundred, and it would
+be very awkward and unsettling that anyone should play these moderate
+points in one rubber and those high ones the next. But at this point
+Miss Mapp's table was obliged to endure a pause, for the Padre had to
+hurry away just before six to administer the rite of baptism in the
+church which was so conveniently close. The Major afforded a good deal
+of amusement, as soon as he was out of hearing, by hoping that he would
+not baptize the child the Knave of Hearts if it was a boy, or, if a
+girl, the Queen of Spades; but in order to spare the susceptibilities of
+Mrs. Bartlett, this admirable joke was not communicated to the next
+table, but enjoyed privately. The author of it, however, made a note in
+his mind to tell it to Captain Puffin, in the hopes that it would cause
+him to forget his ruinous half-crown defeat at golf this morning. Quite
+as agreeable was the arrival of a fresh supply of red-currant fool, and
+as this had been heralded a few minutes before by a loud pop from the
+butler's pantry, which looked on to the lawn, Miss Mapp began to waver
+in her belief that there was no champagne in it, particularly as it
+would not have suited the theory by which she accounted for the Major's
+unwonted good-humour, and her suggestion that the pop they had all heard
+so clearly was the opening of a bottle of stone ginger-beer was not
+delivered with conviction. To make sure, however, she took one more sip
+of the new supply, and, irradiated with smiles, made a great concession.
+
+"I believe I was wrong," she said. "There is something in it beyond yolk
+of egg and cream. Oh, there's Boon; he will tell us."
+
+She made a seductive face at Boon, and beckoned to him.
+
+"Boon, will you think it very inquisitive of me," she asked archly, "if
+I ask you whether you have put a teeny drop of champagne into this
+delicious red-currant fool?"
+
+"A bottle and a half, Miss," said Boon morosely, "and half a pint of old
+brandy. Will you have some more, Miss?"
+
+Miss Mapp curbed her indignation at this vulgar squandering of precious
+liquids, so characteristic of Poppits. She gave a shrill little laugh.
+
+"Oh, no, thank you, Boon!" she said. "I mustn't have any more.
+Delicious, though."
+
+Major Flint let Boon fill up his cup while he was not looking.
+
+"And we owe this to your grandmother, Miss Mapp?" he asked gallantly.
+"That's a second debt."
+
+Miss Mapp acknowledged this polite subtlety with a reservation.
+
+"But not the champagne in it, Major," she said. "Grandmamma Nap----"
+
+The Major beat his thigh in ecstasy.
+
+"Ha! That's a good Spoonerism for Miss Isabel's book," he said. "Miss
+Isabel, we've got a new----"
+
+Miss Mapp was very much puzzled at this slight confusion in her speech,
+for her utterance was usually remarkably distinct. There might be some
+little joke made at her expense on the effect of Grandmamma Mapp's
+invention if this lovely Spoonerism was published. But if she who had
+only just tasted the red-currant fool tripped in her speech, how amply
+were Major Flint's good nature and Captain Puffin's incessant laugh
+accounted for. She herself felt very good-natured, too. How pleasant it
+all was!
+
+"Oh, naughty!" she said to the Major. "Pray, hush! you're disturbing
+them at their rubber. And here's the Padre back again!"
+
+The new rubber had only just begun (indeed, it was lucky that they cut
+their cards without any delay) when Mrs. Poppit appeared on her return
+from her expedition to London. Miss Mapp begged her to take her hand,
+and instantly began playing.
+
+"It would really be a kindness to me, Mrs. Poppit," she said; "(No
+diamonds at all, partner?) but of course, if you won't---- You've been
+missing such a lovely party. So much enjoyment!"
+
+Suddenly she saw that Mrs. Poppit was wearing on her ample breast a
+small piece of riband with a little cross attached to it. Her entire
+stock of good-humour vanished, and she smiled her widest.
+
+"We needn't ask what took you to London," she said. "Congratulations!
+How was the dear King?"
+
+This rubber was soon over, and even as they were adding up the score,
+there arose a shrill outcry from the next table, where Mrs. Plaistow, as
+usual, had made the tale of her winnings sixpence in excess of what
+anybody else considered was due to her. The sound of that was so
+familiar that nobody looked up or asked what was going on.
+
+"Darling Diva and her bawbees, Padre," said Miss Mapp in an aside. "So
+modest in her demands. Oh, she's stopped! Somebody has given her
+sixpence. Not another rubber? Well, perhaps it is rather late, and I
+must say good-night to my flowers before they close up for the night.
+All those shillings mine? Fancy!"
+
+Miss Mapp was seething with excitement, curiosity and rage, as with
+Major Flint on one side of her and Captain Puffin on the other, she was
+escorted home. The excitement was due to her winnings, the rage to Mrs.
+Poppit's Order, the curiosity to the clue she believed she had found to
+those inexplicable lights that burned so late in the houses of her
+companions. Certainly it seemed that Major Flint was trying not to step
+on the joints of the paving-stones, and succeeding very imperfectly,
+while Captain Puffin, on her left, was walking very unevenly on the
+cobbles. Even making due allowance for the difficulty of walking evenly
+there at any time, Miss Mapp could not help thinking that a teetotaller
+would have made a better job of it than that. Both gentlemen talked at
+once, very agreeably but rather carefully, Major Flint promising himself
+a studious evening over some very interesting entries in his Indian
+Diary, while Captain Puffin anticipated the speedy solution of that
+problem about the Roman road which had puzzled him so long. As they said
+their "Au reservoirs" to her on her doorstep, they took off their hats
+more often than politeness really demanded.
+
+Once in her house Miss Mapp postponed her good-nights to her sweet
+flowers, and hurried with the utmost speed of which she was capable to
+her garden-room, in order to see what her companions were doing. They
+were standing in the middle of the street, and Major Flint, with
+gesticulating forefinger, was being very impressive over something....
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Interesting as was Miss Mapp's walk home, and painful as was the light
+which it had conceivably thrown on the problem that had baffled her for
+so long, she might have been even more acutely disgusted had she
+lingered on with the rest of the bridge-party in Mrs. Poppit's garden,
+so revolting was the sycophantic loyalty of the newly-decorated Member
+of the British Empire.... She described minutely her arrival at the
+Palace, her momentary nervousness as she entered the Throne-room, the
+instantaneousness with which that all vanished when she came face to
+face with her Sovereign.
+
+"I assure you, he gave the most gracious smile," she said, "just as if
+we had known each other all our lives, and I felt at home at once. And
+he said a few words to me--such a beautiful voice he has. Dear Isabel, I
+wish you had been there to hear it, and then----"
+
+"Oh, Mamma, what did he say?" asked Isabel, to the great relief of Mrs.
+Plaistow and the Bartletts, for while they were bursting with eagerness
+to know with the utmost detail all that had taken place, the correct
+attitude in Tilling was profound indifference to anybody of whatever
+degree who did not live at Tilling, and to anything that did not happen
+there. In particular, any manifestation of interest in kings or other
+distinguished people was held to be a very miserable failing.... So they
+all pretended to look about them, and take no notice of what Mrs. Poppit
+was saying, and you might have heard a pin drop. Diva silently and
+hastily unwound her cloud from over her ears, risking catching cold in
+the hole where her tooth had been, so terrified was she of missing a
+single syllable.
+
+"Well, it was very gratifying," said Mrs. Poppit; "he whispered to some
+gentleman standing near him, who I think was the Lord Chamberlain, and
+then told me how interested he had been in the good work of the Tilling
+hospital, and how especially glad he was to be able--and just then he
+began to pin my Order on--to be able to recognize it. Now I call that
+wonderful to know all about the Tilling hospital! And such neat, quick
+fingers he has: I am sure it would take me double the time to make a
+safety-pin hold, and then he gave me another smile, and passed me on, so
+to speak, to the Queen, who stood next him, and who had been listening
+to all he had said."
+
+"And did she speak to you too?" asked Diva, quite unable to maintain the
+right indifference.
+
+"Indeed she did: she said, 'So pleased,' and what she put into those two
+words I'm sure I can never convey to you. I could hear how sincere they
+were: it was no set form of words, as if she meant nothing by it. She
+_was_ pleased: she was just as interested in what I had done for the
+Tilling hospital as the King was. And the crowds outside: they lined the
+Mall for at least fifty yards. I was bowing and smiling on this side and
+that till I felt quite dizzy."
+
+"And was the Prince of Wales there?" asked Diva, beginning to wind her
+head up again. She did not care about the crowds.
+
+"No, he wasn't there," said Mrs. Poppit, determined to have no
+embroidery in her story, however much other people, especially Miss
+Mapp, decorated remarkable incidents till you hardly recognized them.
+"He wasn't there. I daresay something had unexpectedly detained him,
+though I shouldn't wonder if before long we all saw him. For I noticed
+in the evening paper which I was reading on the way down here, after I
+had seen the King, that he was going to stay with Lord Ardingly for this
+very next week-end. And what's the station for Ardingly Park if it isn't
+Tilling? Though it's quite a private visit, I feel convinced that the
+right and proper thing for me to do is to be at the station, or, at any
+rate, just outside, with my Order on. I shall not claim acquaintance
+with him, or anything of that kind," said Mrs. Poppit, fingering her
+Order; "but after my reception to-day at the Palace, nothing can be more
+likely than that His Majesty might mention--quite casually, of
+course--to the Prince that he had just given a decoration to Mrs. Poppit
+of Tilling. And it would make me feel very awkward to think that that
+had happened, and I was not somewhere about to make my curtsy."
+
+"Oh, Mamma, may I stand by you, or behind you?" asked Isabel, completely
+dazzled by the splendour of this prospect and prancing about the
+lawn....
+
+This was quite awful: it was as bad as, if not worse than, the
+historically disastrous remark about super-tax, and a general rigidity,
+as of some partial cataleptic seizure, froze Mrs. Poppit's guests,
+rendering them, like incomplete Marconi installations, capable of
+receiving, but not of transmitting. They received these impressions,
+they also continued (mechanically) to receive more chocolates and
+sandwiches, and such refreshments as remained on the buffet; but no one
+could intervene and stop Mrs. Poppit from exposing herself further. One
+reason for this, of course, as already indicated, was that they all
+longed for her to expose herself as much as she possibly could, for if
+there was a quality--and, indeed, there were many--on which Tilling
+prided itself, it was on its immunity from snobbishness: there were, no
+doubt, in the great world with which Tilling concerned itself so little
+kings and queens and dukes and Members of the Order of the British
+Empire; but every Tillingite knew that he or she (particularly she) was
+just as good as any of them, and indeed better, being more fortunate
+than they in living in Tilling.... And if there was a process in the
+world which Tilling detested, it was being patronized, and there was
+this woman telling them all what she felt it right and proper for her,
+as Mrs. Poppit of Tilling (M.B.E.), to do, when the Heir Apparent should
+pass through the town on Saturday. The rest of them, Mrs. Poppit
+implied, might do what they liked, for they did not matter; but
+she--she must put on her Order and make her curtsy. And Isabel, by her
+expressed desire to stand beside, or even behind, her mother for this
+degrading moment had showed of what stock she came.
+
+Mrs. Poppit had nothing more to say on this subject; indeed, as Diva
+reflected, there was really nothing more that could be said, unless she
+suggested that they should all bow and curtsy to her for the future, and
+their hostess proceeded, as they all took their leave, to hope that they
+had enjoyed the bridge-party which she had been unavoidably prevented
+from attending.
+
+"But my absence made it possible to include Miss Mapp," she said. "I
+should not have liked poor Miss Mapp to feel left out; I am always glad
+to give Miss Mapp pleasure. I hope she won her rubber; she does not like
+losing. Will no one have a little more red-currant fool? Boon has made
+it very tolerably to-day. A Scotch recipe of my great-grandmother's."
+
+Diva gave a little cackle of laughter as she enfolded herself in her
+cloud again. She had heard Miss Mapp's ironical inquiry as to how the
+dear King was, and had thought at the time that it was probably a pity
+that Miss Mapp had said that.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Though abhorrence of snobbery and immunity from any taint of it was so
+fine a characteristic of public social life at Tilling, the expected
+passage of this distinguished visitor through the town on Saturday next
+became very speedily known, and before the wicker-baskets of the ladies
+in their morning marketings next day were half full, there was no
+quarter which the news had failed to reach. Major Flint had it from Mrs.
+Plaistow, as he went down to the eleven-twenty tram out to the
+golf-links, and though he had not much time to spare (for his work last
+night on his old diaries had caused him to breakfast unusually late that
+morning to the accompaniment of a dismal headache from
+over-application), he had stopped to converse with Miss Mapp immediately
+afterwards, with one eye on the time, for naturally he could not fire
+off that sort of news point-blank at her, as if it was a matter of any
+interest or importance.
+
+"Good morning, dear lady," he said. "By Jove! what a picture of health
+and freshness you are!"
+
+Miss Mapp cast one glance at her basket to see that the paper quite
+concealed that article of clothing which the perfidious laundry had
+found. (Probably the laundry knew where it was all the time, and--in a
+figurative sense, of course--was "trying it on.")
+
+"Early to bed and early to rise, Major," she said. "I saw my sweet
+flowers open their eyes this morning! Such a beautiful dew!"
+
+"Well, my diaries kept me up late last night," he said. "When all you
+fascinating ladies have withdrawn is the only time at which I can bring
+myself to sit down to them."
+
+"Let me recommend six to eight in the morning, Major," said Miss Mapp
+earnestly. "Such a freshness of brain then."
+
+That seemed to be a cul-de-sac in the way of leading up to the important
+subject, and the Major tried another turning.
+
+"Good, well-fought game of bridge we had yesterday," he said. "Just met
+Mrs. Plaistow; she stopped on for a chat after we had gone."
+
+"Dear Diva; she loves a good gossip," said Miss Mapp effusively. "Such
+an interest she has in other people's affairs. So human and
+sympathetic. I'm sure our dear hostess told her all about her adventures
+at the Palace."
+
+There was only seven minutes left before the tram started, and though
+this was not a perfect opening, it would have to do. Besides, the Major
+saw Mrs. Plaistow coming energetically along the High Street with
+whirling feet.
+
+"Yes, and we haven't finished with--ha--royalty yet," he said, getting
+the odious word out with difficulty. "The Prince of Wales will be
+passing through the town on Saturday, on his way to Ardingly Park, where
+he is spending the Sunday."
+
+Miss Mapp was not betrayed into the smallest expression of interest.
+
+"That will be nice for him," she said. "He will catch a glimpse of our
+beautiful Tilling."
+
+"So he will! Well, I'm off for my game of golf. Perhaps the Navy will be
+a bit more efficient to-day."
+
+"I'm sure you will both play perfectly!" said Miss Mapp.
+
+Diva had "popped" into the grocer's. She always popped everywhere just
+now; she popped across to see a friend, and she popped home again; she
+popped into church on Sunday, and occasionally popped up to town, and
+Miss Mapp was beginning to feel that somebody ought to let her know,
+directly or by insinuation, that she popped too much. So, thinking that
+an opportunity might present itself now, Miss Mapp read the news-board
+outside the stationer's till Diva popped out of the grocer's again. The
+headlines of news, even the largest of them, hardly reached her brain,
+because it entirely absorbed in another subject. Of course, the first
+thing was to find out by what train....
+
+Diva trundled swiftly across the street.
+
+"Good morning, Elizabeth," she said. "You left the party too early
+yesterday. Missed a lot. How the King smiled! How the Queen said 'So
+pleased.'"
+
+"Our dear hostess would like that," said Miss Mapp pensively. "She would
+be so pleased, too. She and the Queen would both be pleased. Quite a
+pair of them."
+
+"By the way, on Saturday next----" began Diva.
+
+"I know, dear," said Miss Mapp. "Major Flint told me. It seemed quite to
+interest him. Now I must pop into the stationer's----"
+
+Diva was really very obtuse.
+
+"I'm popping in there, too," she said. "Want a time-table of the
+trains."
+
+Wild horses would not have dragged from Miss Mapp that this was
+precisely what she wanted.
+
+"I only wanted a little ruled paper," she said. "Why, here's dear Evie
+popping out just as we pop in! Good morning, sweet Evie. Lovely day
+again."
+
+Mrs. Bartlett thrust something into her basket which very much resembled
+a railway time-table. She spoke in a low, quick voice, as if afraid of
+being overheard, and was otherwise rather like a mouse. When she was
+excited she squeaked.
+
+"So good for the harvest," she said. "Such an important thing to have a
+good harvest. I hope next Saturday will be fine; it would be a pity if
+he had a wet day. We were wondering, Kenneth and I, what would be the
+proper thing to do, if he came over for service--oh, here is Kenneth!"
+
+She stopped abruptly, as if afraid that she had betrayed too much
+interest in next Saturday and Sunday. Kenneth would manage it much
+better.
+
+"Ha! lady fair," he exclaimed. "Having a bit crack with wee wifey? Any
+news this bright morning?"
+
+"No, dear Padre," said Miss Mapp, showing her gums. "At least, I've
+heard nothing of any interest. I can only give you the news of my
+garden. Such lovely new roses in bloom to-day, bless them!"
+
+Mrs. Plaistow had popped into the stationer's, so this perjury was
+undetected.
+
+The Padre was noted for his diplomacy. Just now he wanted to convey the
+impression that nothing which could happen next Saturday or Sunday could
+be of the smallest interest to him; whereas he had spent an almost
+sleepless night in wondering whether it would, in certain circumstances,
+be proper to make a bow at the beginning of his sermon and another at
+the end; whether he ought to meet the visitor at the west door; whether
+the mayor ought to be told, and whether there ought to be special
+psalms....
+
+"Well, lady fair," he said. "Gossip will have it that ye Prince of Wales
+is staying at Ardingly for the Sunday; indeed, he will, I suppose, pass
+through Tilling on Saturday afternoon----"
+
+Miss Mapp put her forefinger to her forehead, as if trying to recollect
+something.
+
+"Yes, now somebody did tell me that," she said. "Major Flint, I believe.
+But when you asked for news I thought you meant something that really
+interested me. Yes, Padre?"
+
+"Aweel, if he comes to service on Sunday----?"
+
+"Dear Padre, I'm sure he'll hear a very good sermon. Oh, I see what you
+mean! Whether you ought to have any special hymn? Don't ask poor little
+me! Mrs. Poppit, I'm sure, would tell you. She knows all about courts
+and etiquette."
+
+Diva popped out of the stationer's at this moment.
+
+"Sold out," she announced. "Everybody wanted time-tables this morning.
+Evie got the last. Have to go to the station."
+
+"I'll walk with you, Diva, dear," said Miss Mapp. "There's a parcel
+that---- Good-bye, dear Evie, au reservoir."
+
+She kissed her hand to Mrs. Bartlett, leaving a smile behind it, as it
+fluttered away from her face, for the Padre.
+
+Miss Mapp was so impenetrably wrapped in thought as she worked among her
+sweet flowers that afternoon, that she merely stared at a
+"love-in-a-mist," which she had absently rooted up instead of a piece of
+groundsel, without any bleeding of the heart for one of her sweet
+flowers. There were two trains by which He might arrive--one at 4.15,
+which would get him to Ardingly for tea, the other at 6.45. She was
+quite determined to see him, but more inflexible than that resolve was
+the Euclidean postulate that no one in Tilling should think that she had
+taken any deliberate step to do so. For the present she had disarmed
+suspicion by the blankness of her indifference as to what might happen
+on Saturday or Sunday; but she herself strongly suspected that everybody
+else, in spite of the public attitude of Tilling to such subjects, was
+determined to see him too. How to see and not be seen was the question
+which engrossed her, and though she might possibly happen to be at that
+sharp corner outside the station where every motor had to go slow, on
+the arrival of the 4.15, it would never do to risk being seen there
+again precisely at 6.45. Mrs. Poppit, shameless in her snobbery, would
+no doubt be at the station with her Order on at both these hours, if the
+arrival did not take place by the first train, and Isabel would be
+prancing by or behind her, and, in fact, dreadful though it was to
+contemplate, all Tilling, she reluctantly believed, would be hanging
+about.... Then an idea struck her, so glorious, that she put the
+uprooted love-in-a-mist in the weed-basket, instead of planting it
+again, and went quickly indoors, up to the attics, and from there
+popped--really popped, so tight was the fit--through a trap-door on to
+the roof. Yes: the station was plainly visible, and if the 4.15 was the
+favoured train, there would certainly be a motor from Ardingly Park
+waiting there in good time for its arrival. From the house-roof she
+could ascertain that, and she would then have time to trip down the hill
+and get to her coal merchant's at that sharp corner outside the station,
+and ask, rather peremptorily, when the coke for her central heating
+might be expected. It was due now, and though it would be unfortunate if
+it arrived before Saturday, it was quite easy to smile away her
+peremptory manner, and say that Withers had not told her. Miss Mapp
+hated prevarication, but a major force sometimes came along.... But if
+no motors from Ardingly Park were in waiting for the 4.15 (as spied from
+her house-roof), she need not risk being seen in the neighbourhood of
+the station, but would again make observations some few minutes before
+the 6.45 was due. There was positively no other train by which He could
+come....
+
+The next day or two saw no traceable developments in the situation, but
+Miss Mapp's trained sense told her that there was underground work of
+some kind going on: she seemed to hear faint hollow taps and muffled
+knockings, and, so to speak, the silence of some unusual pregnancy. Up
+and down the High Street she observed short whispered conversations
+going on between her friends, which broke off on her approach. This only
+confirmed her view that these secret colloquies were connected with
+Saturday afternoon, for it was not to be expected that, after her
+freezing reception of the news, any projected snobbishness should be
+confided to her, and though she would have liked to know what Diva and
+Irene and darling Evie were meaning to do, the fact that they none of
+them told her, showed that they were aware that she, at any rate, was
+utterly indifferent to and above that sort of thing. She suspected, too,
+that Major Flint had fallen victim to this unTilling-like mania, for on
+Friday afternoon, when passing his door, which happened to be standing
+open, she quite distinctly saw him in front of his glass in the hall
+(standing on the head of one of the tigers to secure a better view of
+himself), trying on a silk top-hat. Her own errand at this moment was to
+the draper's, where she bought a quantity of pretty pale blue braid, for
+a little domestic dress-making which was in arrears, and some riband of
+the same tint. At this clever and unusual hour for shopping, the High
+Street was naturally empty, and after a little hesitation and many
+anxious glances to right and left, she plunged into the toy-shop and
+bought a pleasant little Union Jack with a short stick attached to it.
+She told Mr. Dabnet very distinctly that it was a present for her
+nephew, and concealed it inside her parasol, where it lay quite flat and
+made no perceptible bulge....
+
+At four o'clock on Saturday afternoon, she remembered that the damp had
+come in through her bedroom ceiling in a storm last winter, and told
+Withers she was going to have a look to see if any tiles were loose. In
+order to ascertain this for certain, she took up through the trap door a
+pair of binocular glasses, through which it was also easy to identify
+anybody who might be in the open yard outside the station. Even as she
+looked, Mrs. Poppit and Isabel crossed the yard into the waiting-room
+and ticket-office. It was a little surprising that there were not more
+friends in the station-yard, but at the moment she heard a loud Qui-hi
+in the street below, and cautiously peering over the parapet, she got an
+admirable view of the Major in a frock-coat and tall hat. A "Coo-ee"
+answered him, and Captain Puffin, in a new suit (Miss Mapp was certain
+of it) and a Panama hat, joined him. They went down the street and
+turned the corner.... Across the opening to the High Street there shot
+the figure of darling Diva.
+
+While waiting for them to appear again in the station-yard, Miss Mapp
+looked to see what vehicles were standing there. It was already ten
+minutes past four, and the Ardingly motors must have been there by this
+time, if there was anything "doing" by the 4.15. But positively the only
+vehicle there was an open trolly laden with a piano in a sack. Apart
+from knowing all about that piano, for Mrs. Poppit had talked about
+little else than her new upright Bluthner before her visit to Buckingham
+Palace, a moment's reflection convinced Miss Mapp that this was a very
+unlikely mode of conveyance for any guest.... She watched for a few
+moments more, but as no other friends appeared in the station-yard, she
+concluded that they were hanging about the street somewhere, poor
+things, and decided not to make inquiries about her coke just yet.
+
+She had tea while she arranged flowers, in the very front of the window
+in her garden-room, and presently had the satisfaction of seeing many of
+the baffled loyalists trudging home. There was no need to do more than
+smile and tap the window and kiss her hand: they all knew that she had
+been busy with her flowers, and that she knew what they had been busy
+about.... Out again they all came towards half-past six, and when she
+had watched the last of them down the hill, she hurried back to the
+roof again, to make a final inspection of the loose tiles through her
+binoculars. Brief but exciting was that inspection, for opposite the
+entrance to the station was drawn up a motor. So clear was the air and
+so serviceable her binoculars that she could distinguish the vulgar
+coronet on the panels, and as she looked Mrs. Poppit and Isabel hurried
+across the station-yard. It was then but the work of a moment to slip on
+the dust-cloak trimmed with blue braid, adjust the hat with the blue
+riband, and take up the parasol with its furled Union Jack inside it.
+The stick of the flag was uppermost; she could whip it out in a moment.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Miss Mapp had calculated her appearance to a nicety. Just as she got to
+the sharp corner opposite the station, where all cars slowed down and
+her coal-merchant's office was situated, the train drew up. By the gates
+into the yard were standing the Major in his top-hat, the Captain in his
+Panama, Irene in a civilized skirt; Diva in a brand-new walking dress,
+and the Padre and wee wifey. They were all looking in the direction of
+the station, and Miss Mapp stepped into the coal-merchant's unobserved.
+Oddly enough the coke had been sent three days before, and there was no
+need for peremptoriness.
+
+"So good of you, Mr. Wootten!" she said; "and why is everyone standing
+about this afternoon?"
+
+Mr. Wootten explained the reason of this, and Miss Mapp, grasping her
+parasol, went out again as the car left the station. There were too many
+dear friends about, she decided, to use the Union Jack, and having seen
+what she wanted to she determined to slip quietly away again. Already
+the Major's hat was in his hand, and he was bowing low, so too were
+Captain Puffin and the Padre, while Irene, Diva and Evie were making
+little ducking movements.... Miss Mapp was determined, when it came to
+her turn, to show them, as she happened to be on the spot, what a proper
+curtsy was.
+
+The car came opposite her, and she curtsied so low that recovery was
+impossible, and she sat down in the road. Her parasol flew out of her
+hand and out of her parasol flew the Union Jack. She saw a young man
+looking out of the window, dressed in khaki, grinning broadly, but not,
+so she thought, graciously, and it suddenly struck her that there was
+something, beside her own part in the affair, which was not as it should
+be. As he put his head in again there was loud laughter from the inside
+of the car.
+
+Mr. Wootten helped her up and the entire assembly of her friends crowded
+round her, hoping she was not hurt.
+
+"No, dear Major, dear Padre, not at all, thanks," she said. "So stupid:
+my ancle turned. Oh, yes, the Union Jack I bought for my nephew, it's
+his birthday to-morrow. Thank you. I just came to see about my coke: of
+course I thought the Prince had arrived when you all went down to meet
+the 4.15. Fancy my running straight into it all! How well he looked."
+
+This was all rather lame, and Miss Mapp hailed Mrs. Poppit's appearance
+from the station as a welcome diversion.... Mrs. Poppit was looking
+vexed.
+
+"I hope you saw him well, Mrs. Poppit," said Miss Mapp, "after meeting
+two trains, and taking all that trouble."
+
+"Saw who?" said Mrs. Poppit with a deplorable lack both of manner and
+grammar. "Why"--light seemed to break on her odious countenance. "Why,
+you don't think that was the Prince, do you, Miss Mapp? He arrived here
+at one, so the station-master has just told me, and has been playing
+golf all afternoon."
+
+The Major looked at the Captain, and the Captain at the Major. It was
+months and months since they had missed their Saturday afternoon's golf.
+
+"It was the Prince of Wales who looked out of that car-window," said
+Miss Mapp firmly. "Such a pleasant smile. I should know it anywhere."
+
+"The young man who got into the car at the station was no more the
+Prince of Wales than you are," said Mrs. Poppit shrilly. "I was close to
+him as he came out: I curtsied to him before I saw."
+
+Miss Mapp instantly changed her attack: she could hardly hold her smile
+on to her face for rage.
+
+"How very awkward for you," she said. "What a laugh they will all have
+over it this evening! Delicious!"
+
+Mrs. Poppit's face suddenly took on an expression of the tenderest
+solicitude.
+
+"I hope, Miss Mapp, you didn't jar yourself when you sat down in the
+road just now," she said.
+
+"Not at all, thank you so much," said Miss Mapp, hearing her heart beat
+in her throat.... If she had had a naval fifteen-inch gun handy, and had
+known how to fire it, she would, with a sense of duty accomplished, have
+discharged it point-blank at the Order of the Member of the British
+Empire, and at anybody else who might be within range....
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Sunday, of course, with all the opportunities of that day, still
+remained, and the seats of the auxiliary choir, which were
+advantageously situated, had never been so full, but as it was all no
+use, the Major and Captain Puffin left during the sermon to catch the
+12.20 tram out to the links. On this delightful day it was but natural
+that the pleasant walk there across the marsh was very popular, and
+golfers that afternoon had a very trying and nervous time, for the
+ladies of Tilling kept bobbing up from behind sand-dunes and bunkers,
+as, regardless of the players, they executed swift flank marches in all
+directions. Miss Mapp returned exhausted about tea-time to hear from
+Withers that the Prince had spent an hour or more rambling about the
+town, and had stopped quite five minutes at the corner by the
+garden-room. He had actually sat down on Miss Mapp's steps and smoked a
+cigarette. She wondered if the end of the cigarette was there still: it
+was hateful to have cigarette-ends defiling the steps to her front-door,
+and often before now, when sketchers were numerous, she had sent her
+housemaid out to remove these untidy relics. She searched for it, but
+was obliged to come to the reluctant conclusion that there was nothing
+to remove....
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER III
+
+
+Diva was sitting at the open drawing-room window of her house in the
+High Street, cutting with a pair of sharp nail scissors into the old
+chintz curtains which her maid had told her no longer "paid for the
+mending." So, since they refused to pay for their mending any more, she
+was preparing to make them pay, pretty smartly too, in other ways. The
+pattern was of little bunches of pink roses peeping out through trellis
+work, and it was these which she had just begun to cut out. Though
+Tilling was noted for the ingenuity with which its more fashionable
+ladies devised novel and quaint effects in their dress in an economical
+manner, Diva felt sure, ransack her memory though she might, that nobody
+had thought of _this_ before.
+
+The hot weather had continued late into September and showed no signs
+of breaking yet, and it would be agreeable to her and acutely painful to
+others that just at the end of the summer she should appear in a
+perfectly new costume, before the days of jumpers and heavy skirts and
+large woollen scarves came in. She was preparing, therefore, to take the
+light white jacket which she wore over her blouse, and cover the broad
+collar and cuffs of it with these pretty roses. The belt of the skirt
+would be similarly decorated, and so would the edge of it, if there were
+enough clean ones. The jacket and skirt had already gone to the dyer's,
+and would be back in a day or two, white no longer, but of a rich purple
+hue, and by that time she would have hundreds of these little pink roses
+ready to be tacked on. Perhaps a piece of the chintz, trellis and all,
+could be sewn over the belt, but she was determined to have single
+little bunches of roses peppered all over the collar and cuffs of the
+jacket and, if possible, round the edge of the skirt. She had already
+tried the effect, and was of the opinion that nobody could possibly
+guess what the origin of these roses was. When carefully sewn on they
+looked as if they were a design in the stuff.
+
+She let the circumcised roses fall on to the window-seat, and from time
+to time, when they grew numerous, swept them into a cardboard box.
+Though she worked with zealous diligence, she had an eye to the
+movements in the street outside, for it was shopping-hour, and there
+were many observations to be made. She had not anything like Miss Mapp's
+genius for conjecture, but her memory was appallingly good, and this was
+the third morning running on which Elizabeth had gone into the grocer's.
+It was odd to go to your grocer's every day like that; groceries twice a
+week was sufficient for most people. From here on the floor above the
+street she could easily look into Elizabeth's basket, and she certainly
+was carrying nothing away with her from the grocer's, for the only thing
+there was a small bottle done up in white paper with sealing wax, which,
+Diva had no need to be told, certainly came from the chemist's, and was
+no doubt connected with too many plums.
+
+Miss Mapp crossed the street to the pavement below Diva's house, and
+precisely as she reached it, Diva's maid opened the door into the
+drawing-room, bringing in the second post, or rather not bringing in the
+second post, but the announcement that there wasn't any second post.
+This opening of the door caused a draught, and the bunches of roses
+which littered the window-seat rose brightly in the air. Diva managed to
+beat most of them down again, but two fluttered out of the window.
+Precisely then, and at no other time, Miss Mapp looked up, and one
+settled on her face, the other fell into her basket. Her trained
+faculties were all on the alert, and she thrust them both inside her
+glove for future consideration, without stopping to examine them just
+then. She only knew that they were little pink roses, and that they had
+fluttered out of Diva's window....
+
+She paused on the pavement, and remembered that Diva had not yet
+expressed regret about the worsted, and that she still "popped" as much
+as ever. Thus Diva deserved a punishment of some sort, and happily, at
+that very moment she thought of a subject on which she might be able to
+make her uncomfortable. The street was full, and it would be pretty to
+call up to her, instead of ringing her bell, in order to save trouble to
+poor overworked Janet. (Diva only kept two servants, though of course
+poverty was no crime.)
+
+"Diva darling!" she cooed.
+
+Diva's head looked out like a cuckoo in a clock preparing to chime the
+hour.
+
+"Hullo!" she said. "Want me?"
+
+"May I pop up for a moment, dear?" said Miss Mapp. "That's to say if
+you're not very busy."
+
+"Pop away," said Diva. She was quite aware that Miss Mapp said "pop" in
+crude inverted commas, so to speak, for purposes of mockery, and so she
+said it herself more than ever. "I'll tell my maid to pop down and open
+the door."
+
+While this was being done, Diva bundled her chintz curtains together and
+stored them and the roses she had cut out into her work-cupboard, for
+secrecy was an essential to the construction of these decorations. But
+in order to appear naturally employed, she pulled out the woollen scarf
+she was knitting for the autumn and winter, forgetting for the moment
+that the rose-madder stripe at the end on which she was now engaged was
+made of that fatal worsted which Miss Mapp considered to have been
+feloniously appropriated. That was the sort of thing Miss Mapp never
+forgot. Even among her sweet flowers. Her eye fell on it the moment she
+entered the room, and she tucked the two chintz roses more securely into
+her glove.
+
+"I thought I would just pop across from the grocer's," she said. "What a
+pretty scarf, dear! That's a lovely shade of rose-madder. Where can I
+have seen something like it before?"
+
+This was clearly ironical, and had best be answered by irony. Diva was
+no coward.
+
+"Couldn't say, I'm sure," she said.
+
+Miss Mapp appeared to recollect, and smiled as far back as her
+wisdom-teeth. (Diva couldn't do that.)
+
+"I have it," she said. "It was the wool I ordered at Heynes's, and then
+he sold it you, and I couldn't get any more."
+
+"So it was," said Diva. "Upset you a bit. There was the wool in the
+shop. I bought it."
+
+"Yes, dear; I see you did. But that wasn't what I popped in about. This
+coal-strike, you know."
+
+"Got a cellar full," said Diva.
+
+"Diva, you've not been hoarding, have you?" asked Miss Mapp with great
+anxiety. "They can take away every atom of coal you've got, if so, and
+fine you I don't know what for every hundredweight of it."
+
+"Pooh!" said Diva, rather forcing the indifference of this rude
+interjection.
+
+"Yes, love, pooh by all means, if you like poohing!" said Miss Mapp.
+"But I should have felt very unfriendly if one morning I found you were
+fined--found you were fined--quite a play upon words--and I hadn't
+warned you."
+
+Diva felt a little less poohish.
+
+"But how much do they allow you to have?" she asked.
+
+"Oh, quite a little: enough to go on with. But I daresay they won't
+discover you. I just took the trouble to come and warn you."
+
+Diva did remember something about hoarding; there had surely been
+dreadful exposures of prudent housekeepers in the papers which were very
+uncomfortable reading.
+
+"But all these orders were only for the period of the war," she said.
+
+"No doubt you're right, dear," said Miss Mapp brightly. "I'm sure I hope
+you are. Only if the coal strike comes on, I think you'll find that the
+regulations against hoarding are quite as severe as they ever were. Food
+hoarding, too. Twemlow--such a civil man--tells me that he thinks we
+shall have plenty of food, or anyhow sufficient for everybody for quite
+a long time, provided that there's no hoarding. Not been hoarding food,
+too, dear Diva? You naughty thing: I believe that great cupboard is full
+of sardines and biscuits and bovril."
+
+"Nothing of the kind," said Diva indignantly. "You shall see for
+yourself"--and then she suddenly remembered that the cupboard was full
+of chintz curtains and little bunches of pink roses, neatly cut out of
+them, and a pair of nail scissors.
+
+There was a perfectly perceptible pause, during which Miss Mapp noticed
+that there were no curtains over the window. There certainly used to be,
+and they matched with the chintz cover of the window seat, which was
+decorated with little bunches of pink roses peeping through trellis.
+This was in the nature of a bonus: she had not up till then connected
+the chintz curtains with the little things that had fluttered down upon
+her and were now safe in her glove; her only real object in this call
+had been to instil a general uneasiness into Diva's mind about the coal
+strike and the danger of being well provided with fuel. That she humbly
+hoped that she had accomplished. She got up.
+
+"Must be going," she said. "Such a lovely little chat! But what has
+happened to your pretty curtains?"
+
+"Gone to the wash," said Diva firmly.
+
+"Liar," thought Miss Mapp, as she tripped downstairs. "Diva would have
+sent the cover of the window-seat too, if that was the case. Liar," she
+thought again as she kissed her hand to Diva, who was looking gloomily
+out of the window.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+As soon as Miss Mapp had gained her garden-room, she examined the
+mysterious treasures in her left-hand glove. Without the smallest doubt
+Diva had taken down her curtains (and high time too, for they were sadly
+shabby), and was cutting the roses out of them. But what on earth was
+she doing that for? For what garish purpose could she want to use
+bunches of roses cut out of chintz curtains?
+
+Miss Mapp had put the two specimens of which she had providentially
+become possessed in her lap, and they looked very pretty against the
+navy-blue of her skirt. Diva was very ingenious: she used up all sorts
+of odds and ends in a way that did credit to her undoubtedly
+parsimonious qualities. She could trim a hat with a tooth-brush and a
+banana in such a way that it looked quite Parisian till you firmly
+analysed its component parts, and most of her ingenuity was devoted to
+dress: the more was the pity that she had such a roundabout figure that
+her waistband always reminded you of the equator....
+
+"Eureka!" said Miss Mapp aloud, and, though the telephone bell was
+ringing, and the postulant might be one of the servants' friends ringing
+them up at an hour when their mistress was usually in the High Street,
+she glided swiftly to the large cupboard underneath the stairs which was
+full of the things which no right-minded person could bear to throw
+away: broken basket-chairs, pieces of brown paper, cardboard boxes
+without lids, and cardboard lids without boxes, old bags with holes in
+them, keys without locks and locks without keys and worn chintz covers.
+There was one--it had once adorned the sofa in the garden-room--covered
+with red poppies (very easy to cut out), and Miss Mapp dragged it
+dustily from its corner, setting in motion a perfect cascade of
+cardboard lids and some door-handles.
+
+Withers had answered the telephone, and came to announce that Twemlow
+the grocer regretted he had only two large tins of corned beef, but----
+
+"Then say I will have the tongue as well, Withers," said Miss Mapp.
+"Just a tongue--and then I shall want you and Mary to do some cutting
+out for me."
+
+The three went to work with feverish energy, for Diva had got a start,
+and by four o'clock that afternoon there were enough poppies cut out to
+furnish, when in seed, a whole street of opium dens. The dress selected
+for decoration was, apart from a few mildew-spots, the colour of ripe
+corn, which was superbly appropriate for September. "Poppies in the
+corn," said Miss Mapp over and over to herself, remembering some sweet
+verses she had once read by Bernard Shaw or Clement Shorter or somebody
+like that about a garden of sleep somewhere in Norfolk....
+
+"No one can work as neatly as you, Withers," she said gaily, "and I
+shall ask you to do the most difficult part. I want you to sew my lovely
+poppies over the collar and facings of the jacket, just spacing them a
+little and making a dainty irregularity. And then Mary--won't you,
+Mary?--will do the same with the waistband while I put a border of them
+round the skirt, and my dear old dress will look quite new and lovely. I
+shall be at home to nobody, Withers, this afternoon, even if the Prince
+of Wales came and sat on my doorstep again. We'll all work together in
+the garden, shall we, and you and Mary must scold me if you think I'm
+not working hard enough. It will be delicious in the garden."
+
+Thanks to this pleasant plan, there was not much opportunity for Withers
+and Mary to be idle....
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Just about the time that this harmonious party began their work, a far
+from harmonious couple were being just as industrious in the grand
+spacious bunker in front of the tee to the last hole on the golf links.
+It was a beautiful bunker, consisting of a great slope of loose, steep
+sand against the face of the hill, and solidly shored up with timber.
+The Navy had been in better form to-day, and after a decisive victory
+over the Army in the morning and an indemnity of half-a-crown, its match
+in the afternoon, with just the last hole to play, was all square. So
+Captain Puffin, having the honour, hit a low, nervous drive that tapped
+loudly at the timbered wall of the bunker, and cuddled down below it,
+well protected from any future assault.
+
+"Phew! That about settles it," said Major Flint boisterously. "Bad place
+to top a ball! Give me the hole?"
+
+This insolent question needed no answer, and Major Flint drove, skying
+the ball to a prodigious height. But it had to come to earth sometime,
+and it fell like Lucifer, son of the morning, in the middle of the same
+bunker.... So the Army played three more, and, sweating profusely, got
+out. Then it was the Navy's turn, and the Navy had to lie on its keel
+above the boards of the bunker, in order to reach its ball at all, and
+missed it twice.
+
+"Better give it up, old chap," said Major Flint. "Unplayable."
+
+"Then see me play it," said Captain Puffin, with a chewing motion of his
+jaws.
+
+"We shall miss the tram," said the Major, and, with the intention of
+giving annoyance, he sat down in the bunker with his back to Captain
+Puffin, and lit a cigarette. At his third attempt nothing happened; at
+the fourth the ball flew against the boards, rebounded briskly again
+into the bunker, trickled down the steep, sandy slope and hit the
+Major's boot.
+
+"Hit you, I think," said Captain Puffin. "Ha! So it's my hole, Major!"
+
+Major Flint had a short fit of aphasia. He opened and shut his mouth and
+foamed. Then he took a half-crown from his pocket.
+
+"Give that to the Captain," he said to his caddie, and without looking
+round, walked away in the direction of the tram. He had not gone a
+hundred yards when the whistle sounded, and it puffed away homewards
+with ever-increasing velocity.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Weak and trembling from passion, Major Flint found that after a few
+tottering steps in the direction of Tilling he would be totally unable
+to get there unless fortified by some strong stimulant, and turned back
+to the Club-house to obtain it. He always went dead-lame when beaten at
+golf, while Captain Puffin was lame in any circumstances, and the two,
+no longer on speaking terms, hobbled into the Club-house, one after the
+other, each unconscious of the other's presence. Summoning his last
+remaining strength Major Flint roared for whisky, and was told that,
+according to regulation, he could not be served until six. There was
+lemonade and stone ginger-beer.... You might as well have offered a
+man-eating tiger bread and milk. Even the threat that he would instantly
+resign his membership unless provided with drink produced no effect on a
+polite steward, and he sat down to recover as best he might with an old
+volume of _Punch_. This seemed to do him little good. His forced
+abstemiousness was rendered the more intolerable by the fact that
+Captain Puffin, hobbling in immediately afterwards, fetched from his
+locker a large flask full of the required elixir, and proceeded to mix
+himself a long, strong tumblerful. After the Major's rudeness in the
+matter of the half-crown, it was impossible for any sailor of spirit to
+take the first step towards reconciliation.
+
+Thirst is a great leveller. By the time the refreshed Puffin had
+penetrated half-way down his glass, the Major found it impossible to be
+proud and proper any longer. He hated saying he was sorry (no man more)
+and wouldn't have been sorry if he had been able to get a drink. He
+twirled his moustache a great many times and cleared his throat--it
+wanted more than that to clear it--and capitulated.
+
+"Upon my word, Puffin, I'm ashamed of myself for--ha!--for not taking my
+defeat better," he said. "A man's no business to let a game ruffle him."
+
+Puffin gave his alto cackling laugh.
+
+"Oh, that's all right, Major," he said. "I know it's awfully hard to
+lose like a gentleman."
+
+He let this sink in, then added:
+
+"Have a drink, old chap?"
+
+Major Flint flew to his feet.
+
+"Well, thank ye, thank ye," he said. "Now where's that soda water you
+offered me just now?" he shouted to the steward.
+
+The speed and completeness of the reconciliation was in no way
+remarkable, for when two men quarrel whenever they meet, it follows that
+they make it up again with corresponding frequency, else there could be
+no fresh quarrels at all. This one had been a shade more acute than
+most, and the drop into amity again was a shade more precipitous.
+
+Major Flint in his eagerness had put most of his moustache into the
+life-giving tumbler, and dried it on his handkerchief.
+
+"After all, it was a most amusing incident," he said. "There was I with
+my back turned, waiting for you to give it up, when your bl--wretched
+little ball hit my foot. I must remember that. I'll serve you with the
+same spoon some day, at least I would if I thought it sportsmanlike.
+Well, well, enough said. Astonishing good whisky, that of yours."
+
+Captain Puffin helped himself to rather more than half of what now
+remained in the flask.
+
+"Help yourself, Major," he said.
+
+"Well, thank ye, I don't mind if I do," he said, reversing the flask
+over the tumbler. "There's a good tramp in front of us now that the last
+tram has gone. Tram and tramp! Upon my word, I've half a mind to
+telephone for a taxi."
+
+This, of course, was a direct hint. Puffin ought clearly to pay for a
+taxi, having won two half-crowns to-day. This casual drink did not
+constitute the usual drink stood by the winner, and paid for with cash
+over the counter. A drink (or two) from a flask was not the same
+thing.... Puffin naturally saw it in another light. He had paid for the
+whisky which Major Flint had drunk (or owed for it) in his
+wine-merchant's bill. That was money just as much as a florin pushed
+across the counter. But he was so excessively pleased with himself over
+the adroitness with which he had claimed the last hole, that he quite
+overstepped the bounds of his habitual parsimony.
+
+"Well, you trot along to the telephone and order a taxi," he said, "and
+I'll pay for it."
+
+"Done with you," said the other.
+
+Their comradeship was now on its most felicitous level again, and they
+sat on the bench outside the club-house till the arrival of their
+unusual conveyance.
+
+"Lunching at the Poppits' to-morrow?" asked Major Flint.
+
+"Yes. Meet you there? Good. Bridge afterwards, suppose."
+
+"Sure to be. Wish there was a chance of more red-currant fool. That was
+a decent tipple, all but the red-currants. If I had had all the old
+brandy that was served for my ration in one glass, and all the champagne
+in another, I should have been better content."
+
+Captain Puffin was a great cynic in his own misogynistic way.
+
+"Camouflage for the fair sex," he said. "A woman will lick up half a
+bottle of brandy if it's called plum-pudding, and ask for more, whereas
+if you offered her a small brandy and soda, she would think you were
+insulting her."
+
+"Bless them, the funny little fairies," said the Major.
+
+"Well, what I tell you is true, Major," said Puffin. "There's old Mapp.
+Teetotaller she calls herself, but she played a bo'sun's part in that
+red-currant fool. Bit rosy, I thought her, as we escorted her home."
+
+"So she was," said the Major. "So she was. Said good-bye to us on her
+doorstep as if she thought she was a perfect Venus Ana--Ana something."
+
+"Anno Domini," giggled Puffin.
+
+"Well, well, we all get long in the tooth in time," said Major Flint
+charitably. "Fine figure of a woman, though."
+
+"Eh?" said Puffin archly.
+
+"Now none of your sailor-talk ashore, Captain," said the Major, in high
+good humour. "I'm not a marrying man any more than you are. Better if I
+had been perhaps, more years ago than I care to think about. Dear me,
+my wound's going to trouble me to-night."
+
+"What do you do for it, Major?" asked Puffin.
+
+"Do for it? Think of old times a bit over my diaries."
+
+"Going to let the world have a look at them some day?" asked Puffin.
+
+"No, sir, I am not," said Major Flint. "Perhaps a hundred years
+hence--the date I have named in my will for their publication--someone
+may think them not so uninteresting. But all this toasting and buttering
+and grilling and frying your friends, and serving them up hot for all
+the old cats at a tea-table to mew over--Pah!"
+
+Puffin was silent a moment in appreciation of these noble sentiments.
+
+"But you put in a lot of work over them," he said at length. "Often when
+I'm going up to bed, I see the light still burning in your sitting-room
+window."
+
+"And if it comes to that," rejoined the Major, "I'm sure I've often
+dozed off when I'm in bed and woken again, and pulled up my blind, and
+what not, and there's your light still burning. Powerful long roads
+those old Romans must have made, Captain."
+
+The ice was not broken, but it was cracking in all directions under this
+unexampled thaw. The two had clearly indicated a mutual suspicion of
+each other's industrious habits after dinner.... They had never got
+quite so far as this before: some quarrel had congealed the surface
+again. But now, with a desperate disagreement just behind them, and the
+unusual luxury of a taxi just in front, the vernal airs continued
+blowing in the most springlike manner.
+
+"Yes, that's true enough," said Puffin. "Long roads they were, and dry
+roads at that, and if I stuck to them from after my supper every
+evening till midnight or more, should be smothered in dust."
+
+"Unless you washed the dust down just once in a while," said Major
+Flint.
+
+"Just so. Brain-work's an exhausting process; requires a little
+stimulant now and again," said Puffin. "I sit in my chair, you
+understand, and perhaps doze for a bit after my supper, and then I'll
+get my maps out, and have them handy beside me. And then, if there's
+something interesting the evening paper, perhaps I'll have a look at it,
+and bless me, if by that time it isn't already half-past ten or eleven,
+and it seems useless to tackle archaeology then. And I just--just while
+away the time till I'm sleepy. But there seems to be a sort of legend
+among the ladies here, that I'm a great student of local topography and
+Roman roads, and all sorts of truck, and I find it better to leave it at
+that. Tiresome to go into long explanations. In fact," added Puffin in a
+burst of confidence, "the study I've done on Roman roads these last six
+months wouldn't cover a threepenny piece."
+
+Major Flint gave a loud, choking guffaw and beat his fat leg.
+
+"Well, if that's not the best joke I've heard for many a long day," he
+said. "There I've been in the house opposite you these last two years,
+seeing your light burning late night after night, and thinking to
+myself, 'There's my friend Puffin still at it! Fine thing to be an
+enthusiastic archaeologist like that. That makes short work of a lonely
+evening for him if he's so buried in his books or his maps--Mapps, ha!
+ha!--that he doesn't seem to notice whether it's twelve o'clock or one
+or two, maybe!' And all the time you've been sitting snoozing and
+boozing in your chair, with your glass handy to wash the dust down."
+
+Puffin added his falsetto cackle to this merriment.
+
+"And, often I've thought to myself," he said, "'There's my friend the
+Major in his study opposite, with all his diaries round him, making a
+note here, and copying an extract there, and conferring with the Viceroy
+one day, and reprimanding the Maharajah of Bom-be-boo another. He's
+spending the evening on India's coral strand, he is, having tiffin and
+shooting tigers and Gawd knows what--'"
+
+The Major's laughter boomed out again.
+
+"And I never kept a diary in my life!" he cried. "Why there's enough
+cream in this situation to make a dishful of meringues. You and I, you
+know, the students of Tilling! The serious-minded students who do a hard
+day's work when all the pretty ladies have gone to bed. Often and often
+has old--I mean has that fine woman, Miss Mapp, told me that I work too
+hard at night! Recommended me to get earlier to bed, and do my work
+between six and eight in the morning! Six and eight in the morning!
+That's a queer time of day to recommend an old campaigner to be awake
+at! Often she's talked to you, too, I bet my hat, about sitting up late
+and exhausting the nervous faculties."
+
+Major Flint choked and laughed and inhaled tobacco smoke till he got
+purple in the face.
+
+"And you sitting up one side of the street," he gasped, "pretending to
+be interested in Roman roads, and me on the other pulling a long face
+over my diaries, and neither of us with a Roman road or a diary to our
+names. Let's have an end to such unsociable arrangements, old friend;
+you bring your Roman roads and the bottle to lay the dust over to me one
+night, and I'll bring my diaries and my peg over to you the next. Never
+drink alone--one of my maxims in life--if you can find someone to drink
+with you. And there were you within a few yards of me all the time
+sitting by your old solitary self, and there was I sitting by my old
+solitary self, and we each thought the other a serious-minded old
+buffer, busy on his life-work. I'm blessed if I heard of two such
+pompous old frauds as you and I, Captain! What a sight of hypocrisy
+there is in the world, to be sure! No offence--mind: I'm as bad as you,
+and you're as bad as me, and we're both as bad as each other. But no
+more solitary confinement of an evening for Benjamin Flint, as long as
+you're agreeable."
+
+The advent of the taxi was announced, and arm in arm they limped down
+the steep path together to the road. A little way off to the left was
+the great bunker which, primarily, was the cause of their present amity.
+As they drove by it, the Major waggled his red hand at it.
+
+"Au reservoir," he said. "Back again soon!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It was late that night when Miss Mapp felt that she was physically
+incapable of tacking on a single poppy more to the edge of her skirt,
+and went to the window of the garden-room where she had been working, to
+close it. She glanced up at the top story of her own house, and saw that
+the lights in the servants' rooms were out: she glanced to the right and
+concluded that her gardener had gone to bed: finally, she glanced down
+the street and saw with a pang of pleasure that the windows of the
+Major's house showed no sign of midnight labour. This was intensely
+gratifying: it indicated that her influence was at work in him, for in
+response to her wish, so often and so tactfully urged on him, that he
+would go to bed earlier and not work so hard at night, here was the
+darkened window, and she dismissed as unworthy the suspicion which had
+been aroused by the red-currant fool. The window of his bedroom was
+dark too: he must have already put out his light, and Miss Mapp made
+haste over her little tidyings so that she might not be found a
+transgressor to her own precepts. But there was a light in Captain
+Puffin's house: he had a less impressionable nature than the Major and
+was in so many ways far inferior. And did he really find Roman roads so
+wonderfully exhilarating? Miss Mapp sincerely hoped that he did, and
+that it was nothing else of less pure and innocent allurement that kept
+him up.... As she closed the window very gently, it did just seem to her
+that there had been something equally baffling in Major Flint's
+egoistical vigils over his diaries; that she had wondered whether there
+was not something else (she had hardly formulated what) which kept his
+lights burning so late. But she would now cross him--dear man--and his
+late habits, out of the list of riddles about Tilling which awaited
+solution. Whatever it had been (diaries or what not) that used to keep
+him up, he had broken the habit now, whereas Captain Puffin had not. She
+took her poppy-bordered skirt over her arm, and smiled her thankful way
+to bed. She could allow herself to wonder with a little more
+definiteness, now that the Major's lights were out and he was abed, what
+it could be which rendered Captain Puffin so oblivious to the passage of
+time, when he was investigating Roman roads. How glad she was that the
+Major was not with him.... "Benjamin Flint!" she said to herself as,
+having put her window open, she trod softly (so as not to disturb the
+slumberer next door) across her room on her fat white feet to her big
+white bed. "Good-night, Major Benjy," she whispered, as she put her
+light out.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It was not to be supposed that Diva would act on Miss Mapp's alarming
+hints that morning as to the fate of coal-hoarders, and give, say, a
+ton of fuel to the hospital at once, in lieu of her usual smaller
+Christmas contribution, without making further inquiries in the proper
+quarters as to the legal liabilities of having, so she ascertained,
+three tons in her cellar, and as soon as her visitor had left her this
+morning, she popped out to see Mr. Wootten, her coal-merchant. She
+returned in a state of fury, for there were no regulations whatever in
+existence with regard to the amount of coal that any householder might
+choose to amass, and Mr. Wootten complimented her on her prudence in
+having got in a reasonable supply, for he thought it quite probable
+that, if the coal strike took place, there would be some difficulty in
+month's time from now in replenishing cellars. "But we've had a good
+supply all the summer," added agreeable Mr. Wootten, "and all my
+customers have got their cellars well stocked."
+
+Diva rapidly recollected that the perfidious Elizabeth was among them.
+
+"O but, Mr. Wootten," she said, "Miss Mapp popped--dropped in to see me
+just now. Told me she had hardly got any."
+
+Mr. Wootten turned up his ledger. It was not etiquette to disclose the
+affairs of one client to another, but if there was a cantankerous
+customer, one who was never satisfied with prices and quality, that
+client was Miss Mapp.... He allowed a broad grin to overspread his
+agreeable face.
+
+"Well, ma'am, if in a month's time I'm short of coal, there are friends
+of yours in Tilling who can let you have plenty," he permitted himself
+to say....
+
+It was idle to attempt to cut out bunches of roses while her hand was so
+feverish, and she trundled up and down the High Street to cool off. Had
+she not been so prudent as to make inquiries, as likely as not she would
+have sent a ton of coal that very day to the hospital, so strongly had
+Elizabeth's perfidious warning inflamed her imagination as to the fate
+of hoarders, and all the time Elizabeth's own cellars were glutted,
+though she had asserted that she was almost fuelless. Why, she must have
+in her possession more coal than Diva herself, since Mr. Wootten had
+clearly implied that it was Elizabeth who could be borrowed from! And
+all because of a wretched piece of rose-madder worsted....
+
+By degrees she calmed down, for it was no use attempting to plan revenge
+with a brain at fever-heat. She must be calm and icily ingenious. As the
+cooling-process went on she began to wonder whether it was worsted alone
+that had prompted her friend's diabolical suggestion. It seemed more
+likely that another motive (one strangely Elizabethan) was the cause of
+it. Elizabeth might be taken for certain as being a coal-hoarder
+herself, and it was ever so like her to divert suspicion by pretending
+her cellar was next to empty. She had been equally severe on any who
+might happen to be hoarding food, in case transport was disarranged and
+supplies fell short, and with a sudden flare of authentic intuition,
+Diva's mind blazed with the conjecture that Elizabeth was hoarding food
+as well.
+
+Luck ever attends the bold and constructive thinker: the apple, for
+instance, fell from the tree precisely when Newton's mind was groping
+after the law of gravity, and as Diva stepped into her grocer's to begin
+her morning's shopping (for she had been occupied with roses ever since
+breakfast) the attendant was at the telephone at the back of the shop.
+He spoke in a lucid telephone-voice.
+
+"We've only two of the big tins of corned beef," he said; and there was
+a pause, during which, to a psychic, Diva's ears might have seemed to
+grow as pointed with attention as a satyr's. But she could only hear
+little hollow quacks from the other end.
+
+"Tongue as well. Very good. I'll send them up at once," he added, and
+came forward into the shop.
+
+"Good morning," said Diva. Her voice was tremulous with anxiety and
+investigation. "Got any big tins of corned beef? The ones that contain
+six pounds."
+
+"Very sorry, ma'am. We've only got two, and they've just been ordered."
+
+"A small pot of ginger then, please," said Diva recklessly. "Will you
+send it round immediately?"
+
+"Yes, ma'am. The boy's just going out."
+
+That was luck. Diva hurried into the street, and was absorbed by the
+headlines of the news outside the stationer's. This was a favourite
+place for observation, for you appeared to be quite taken up by the
+topics of the day, and kept an oblique eye on the true object of your
+scrutiny.... She had not got to wait long, for almost immediately the
+grocer's boy came out of the shop with a heavy basket on his arm,
+delivered the small pot of ginger at her own door, and proceeded along
+the street. He was, unfortunately, a popular and a conversational youth,
+who had a great deal to say to his friends, and the period of waiting to
+see if he would turn up the steep street that led to Miss Mapp's house
+was very protracted. At the corner he deliberately put down the basket
+altogether and lit a cigarette, and never had Diva so acutely deplored
+the spread of the tobacco-habit among the juvenile population.
+
+Having refreshed himself he turned up the steep street.
+
+He passed the fishmonger's and the fruiterer's; he did not take the turn
+down to the dentist's and Mr. Wyse's. He had no errand to the Major's
+house or to the Captain's. Then, oh then, he rang the bell at Miss
+Mapp's back door. All the time Diva had been following him, keeping her
+head well down so as to avert the possibility of observation from the
+window of the garden-room, and walking so slowly that the motion of her
+feet seemed not circular at all.... Then the bell was answered, and he
+delivered into Withers' hands one, two tins of corned beef and a round
+ox-tongue. He put the basket on his head and came down the street again,
+shrilly whistling. If Diva had had any reasonably small change in her
+pocket, she would assuredly have given him some small share in it.
+Lacking this, she trundled home with all speed, and began cutting out
+roses with swift and certain strokes of the nail-scissors.
+
+Now she had already noticed that Elizabeth had paid visits to the
+grocer's on three consecutive days (three consecutive days: think of
+it!), and given that her purchases on other occasions had been on the
+same substantial scale as to-day, it became a matter of thrilling
+interest as to where she kept these stores. She could not keep them in
+the coal cellar, for that was already bursting with coal, and Diva, who
+had assisted her (the base one) in making a prodigious quantity of jam
+that year from her well-stocked garden, was aware that the kitchen
+cupboards were like to be as replete as the coal-cellar, before those
+hoardings of dead oxen began. Then there was the big cupboard under the
+stairs, but that could scarcely be the site of this prodigious cache,
+for it was full of cardboard and curtains and carpets and all the
+rubbishy accumulations which Elizabeth could not bear to part with. Then
+she had large cupboards in her bedroom and spare rooms full to
+overflowing of mouldy clothes, but there was positively not another
+cupboard in the house that Diva knew of, and she crushed her temples in
+her hands in the attempt to locate the hiding-place of the hoard.
+
+Diva suddenly jumped up with a happy squeal of discovery, and in her
+excitement snapped her scissors with so random a stroke that she
+completely cut in half the bunch of roses that she was engaged on. There
+was another cupboard, the best and biggest of all and the most secret
+and the most discreet. It lay embedded in the wall of the garden-room,
+cloaked and concealed behind the shelves of a false book-case, which
+contained no more than the simulacra of books, just books with titles
+that had never yet appeared on any honest book. There were twelve
+volumes of "The Beauties of Nature," a shelf full of "Elegant Extracts,"
+there were volumes simply called "Poems," there were "Commentaries,"
+there were "Travels" and "Astronomy" and the lowest and tallest shelf
+was full of "Music." A card-table habitually stood in front of this
+false repository of learning, and it was only last week that Diva, prying
+casually round the room while Elizabeth had gone to take off her
+gardening-gloves, had noticed a modest catch let into the wood-work.
+Without doubt, then, the book-case was the door of the cupboard, and
+with a stroke of intuition, too sure to be called a guess, Diva was
+aware that she had correctly inferred the storage of this nefarious
+hoard. It only remained to verify her conclusion, and, if possible,
+expose it with every circumstance of public ignominy. She was in no
+hurry: she could bide her time, aware that, in all probability, every
+day that passed would see an addition to its damning contents. Some day,
+when she was playing bridge and the card-table had been moved out, in
+some rubber when she herself was dummy and Elizabeth greedily playing
+the hand, she would secretly and accidentally press the catch which her
+acute vision had so providentially revealed to her....
+
+She attacked her chintz curtains again with her appetite for the pink
+roses agreeably whetted. Another hour's work would give her sufficient
+bunches for her purpose, and unless the dyer was as perfidious as
+Elizabeth, her now purple jacket and skirt would arrive that afternoon.
+Two days' hard work would be sufficient for so accomplished a
+needlewoman as herself to make these original decorations.
+
+In the meantime, for Diva was never idle, and was chiefly occupied with
+dress, she got out a certain American fashion paper. There was in it the
+description of a tea-gown worn by Mrs. Titus W. Trout which she believed
+was within her dressmaking capacity. She would attempt it, anyhow, and
+if it proved to be beyond her, she could entrust the more difficult
+parts to that little dressmaker whom Elizabeth employed, and who was
+certainly very capable. But the costume was of so daring and splendid a
+nature that she feared to take anyone into her confidence about it, lest
+some hint or gossip--for Tilling was a gossipy place--might leak out.
+Kingfisher blue! It made her mouth water to dwell on the sumptuous
+syllables!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Miss Mapp was so feverishly occupied all next morning with the
+application of poppies to the corn-coloured skirt that she paid very
+little attention to the opening gambits of the day, either as regards
+the world in general, or, more particularly, Major Benjy. After his
+early retirement last night he was probably up with the lark this
+morning, and when between half-past ten and eleven his sonorous
+"Qui-hi!" sounded through her open window, the shock she experienced
+interrupted for a moment her floral industry. It was certainly very odd
+that, having gone to bed at so respectable an hour last night, he should
+be calling for his porridge only now, but with an impulse of unusual
+optimism, she figured him as having been at work on his diaries before
+breakfast, and in that absorbing occupation having forgotten how late it
+was growing. That, no doubt, was the explanation, though it would be
+nice to know for certain, if the information positively forced itself on
+her notice.... As she worked, (framing her lips with elaborate motions
+to the syllables) she dumbly practised the phrase "Major Benjy."
+Sometimes in moments of gallantry he called her "Miss Elizabeth," and
+she meant, when she had got accustomed to it by practice, to say "Major
+Benjy" to him by accident, and he would, no doubt, beg her to make a
+habit of that friendly slip of the tongue.... "Tongue" led to a new
+train of thought, and presently she paused in her work, and pulling the
+card-table away from the deceptive book-case, she pressed the concealed
+catch of the door, and peeped in.
+
+There was still room for further small precautions against starvation
+owing to the impending coal-strike, and she took stock of her
+provisions. Even if the strike lasted quite a long time, there would now
+be no immediate lack of the necessaries of life, for the cupboard
+glistened with tinned meats, and the flour-merchant had sent a very
+sensible sack. This with considerable exertion she transferred to a high
+shelf in the cupboard, instead of allowing it to remain standing on the
+floor, for Withers had informed her of an unpleasant rumour about a
+mouse, which Mary had observed, lost in thought in front of the
+cupboard. "So mousie shall only find tins on the floor now," thought
+Miss Mapp. "Mousie shall try his teeth on tins." ... There was tea and
+coffee in abundance, jars of jam filled the kitchen shelves, and if this
+morning she laid in a moderate supply of dried fruits, there was no
+reason to face the future with anything but fortitude. She would see
+about that now, for, busy though she was, she could not miss the
+shopping-parade. Would Diva, she wondered, be at her window, snipping
+roses out of chintz curtains? The careful, thrifty soul. Perhaps this
+time to-morrow, Diva, looking out of her window, would see that somebody
+else had been quicker about being thrifty than she. That would be fun!
+
+The Major's dining-room window was open, and as Miss Mapp passed it, she
+could not help hearing loud, angry remarks about eggs coming from
+inside. That made it clear that he was still at breakfast, and that if
+he had been working at his diaries in the fresh morning hours and
+forgetting the time, early rising, in spite of his early retirement last
+night, could not be supposed to suit his Oriental temper. But a change
+of habits was invariably known to be upsetting, and Miss Mapp was
+hopeful that in a day or two he would feel quite a different man.
+Further down the street was quaint Irene lounging at the door of her new
+studio (a converted coach-house), smoking a cigarette and dressed like a
+jockey.
+
+"Hullo, Mapp," she said. "Come and have a look round my new studio. You
+haven't seen it yet. I shall give a house-warming next week.
+Bridge-party!"
+
+Miss Mapp tried to steel herself for the hundredth time to appear quite
+unconscious that she was being addressed when Irene said "Mapp" in that
+odious manner. But she never could summon up sufficient nerve to be rude
+to so awful a mimic....
+
+"Good morning, dear one," she said sycophantically. "Shall I peep in for
+a moment?"
+
+The decoration of the studio was even more appalling than might have
+been expected. There was a German stove in the corner made of pink
+porcelain, the rafters and roof were painted scarlet, the walls were of
+magenta distemper and the floor was blue. In the corner was a very
+large orange-coloured screen. The walls were hung with specimens of
+Irene's art, there was a stout female with no clothes on at all, whom it
+was impossible not to recognize as being Lucy; there were studies of fat
+legs and ample bosoms, and on the easel was a picture, evidently in
+process of completion, which represented a man. From this Miss Mapp
+instantly averted her eyes.
+
+"Eve," said Irene, pointing to Lucy.
+
+Miss Mapp naturally guessed that the gentleman who was almost in the
+same costume was Adam, and turned completely away from him.
+
+"And what a lovely idea to have a blue floor, dear," she said. "How
+original you are. And that pretty scarlet ceiling. But don't you find
+when you're painting that all these bright colours disturb you?"
+
+"Not a bit: they stimulate your sense of colour."
+
+Miss Mapp moved towards the screen.
+
+"What a delicious big screen," she said.
+
+"Yes, but don't go behind it, Mapp," said Irene, "or you'll see my model
+undressing."
+
+Miss Mapp retreated from it precipitately, as from a wasp's nest, and
+examined some of the studies on the wall, for it was more than probable
+from the unfinished picture on the easel that Adam lurked behind the
+delicious screen. Terrible though it all was, she was conscious of an
+unbridled curiosity to know who Adam was. It was dreadful to think that
+there could be any man in Tilling so depraved as to stand to be looked
+at with so little on....
+
+Irene strolled round the walls with her.
+
+"Studies of Lucy," she said.
+
+"I see, dear," said Miss Mapp. "How clever! Legs and things! But when
+you have your bridge-party, won't you perhaps cover some of them up, or
+turn them to the wall? We should all be looking at your pictures instead
+of attending to our cards. And if you were thinking of asking the Padre,
+you know...."
+
+They were approaching the corner of the room where the screen stood,
+when a movement there as if Adam had hit it with his elbow made Miss
+Mapp turn round. The screen fell flat on the ground and within a yard of
+her stood Mr. Hopkins, the proprietor of the fish-shop just up the
+street. Often and often had Miss Mapp had pleasant little conversations
+with him, with a view to bringing down the price of flounders. He had
+little bathing-drawers on....
+
+"Hullo, Hopkins, are you ready?" said Irene. "You know Miss Mapp, don't
+you?"
+
+Miss Mapp had not imagined that Time and Eternity combined could hold so
+embarrassing a moment. She did not know where to look, but wherever she
+looked, it should not be at Hopkins. But (wherever she looked) she could
+not be unaware that Hopkins raised his large bare arm and touched the
+place where his cap would have been, if he had had one.
+
+"Good-morning, Hopkins," she said. "Well, Irene darling, I must be
+trotting, and leave you to your----" she hardly knew what to call
+it--"to your work."
+
+She tripped from the room, which seemed to be entirely full of unclothed
+limbs, and redder than one of Mr. Hopkins's boiled lobsters hurried down
+the street. She felt that she could never face him again, but would be
+obliged to go to the establishment in the High Street where Irene dealt,
+when it was fish she wanted from a fish-shop.... Her head was in a whirl
+at the brazenness of mankind, especially womankind. How had Irene
+started the overtures that led to this? Had she just said to Hopkins
+one morning: "Will you come to my studio and take off all your clothes?"
+If Irene had not been such a wonderful mimic, she would certainly have
+felt it her duty to go straight to the Padre, and, pulling down her
+veil, confide to him the whole sad story. But as that was out of the
+question, she went into Twenlow's and ordered four pounds of dried
+apricots.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IV
+
+
+The dyer, as Diva had feared, proved perfidious, and it was not till the
+next morning that her maid brought her the parcel containing the coat
+and skirt of the projected costume. Diva had already done her marketing,
+so that she might have no other calls on her time to interfere with the
+tacking on of the bunches of pink roses, and she hoped to have the dress
+finished in time for Elizabeth's afternoon bridge-party next day, an
+invitation to which had just reached her. She had also settled to have a
+cold lunch to-day, so that her cook as well as her parlourmaid could
+devote themselves to the job.
+
+She herself had taken the jacket for decoration, and was just tacking
+the first rose on to the collar, when she looked out of the window, and
+what she saw caused her needle to fall from her nerveless hand. Tripping
+along the opposite pavement was Elizabeth. She had on a dress, the
+material of which, after a moment's gaze, Diva identified: it was that
+corn-coloured coat and skirt which she had worn so much last spring. But
+the collar, the cuffs, the waistband and the hem of the skirt were
+covered with staring red poppies. Next moment, she called to remembrance
+the chintz that had once covered Elizabeth's sofa in the garden-room.
+
+Diva wasted no time, but rang the bell. She had to make certain.
+
+"Janet," she said, "go straight out into the High Street, and walk close
+behind Miss Mapp. Look very carefully at her dress; see if the poppies
+on it are of chintz."
+
+Janet's face fell.
+
+"Why, ma'am, she's never gone and----" she began.
+
+"Quick!" said Diva in a strangled voice.
+
+Diva watched from her window. Janet went out, looked this way and that,
+spied the quarry, and skimmed up the High Street on feet that twinkled
+as fast as her mistress's. She came back much out of breath with speed
+and indignation.
+
+"Yes, ma'am," she said. "They're chintz sure enough. Tacked on, too,
+just as you were meaning to do. Oh, ma'am----"
+
+Janet quite appreciated the magnitude of the calamity and her voice
+failed.
+
+"What are we to do, ma'am?" she added.
+
+Diva did not reply for a moment, but sat with eyes closed in profound
+and concentrated thought. It required no reflection to decide how
+impossible it was to appear herself to-morrow in a dress which seemed to
+ape the costume which all Tilling had seen Elizabeth wearing to-day, and
+at first it looked as if there was nothing to be done with all those
+laboriously acquired bunches of rosebuds; for it was clearly out of the
+question to use them as the decoration for any costume, and idle to
+think of sewing them back into the snipped and gashed curtains. She
+looked at the purple skirt and coat that hungered for their flowers, and
+then she looked at Janet. Janet was a short, roundabout person; it was
+ill-naturedly supposed that she had much the same figure as her
+mistress....
+
+Then the light broke, dazzling and diabolical, and Diva bounced to her
+feet, blinded by its splendour.
+
+"My coat and skirt are yours, Janet," she said. "Get with the work both
+of you. Bustle. Cover it with roses. Have it finished to-night. Wear it
+to-morrow. Wear it always."
+
+She gave a loud cackle of laughter and threaded her needle.
+
+"Lor, ma'am!" said Janet, admiringly. "That's a teaser! And thank you,
+ma'am!"
+
+"It was roses, roses all the way." Diva had quite miscalculated the
+number required, and there were sufficient not only to cover collar,
+cuffs and border of the skirt with them but to make another line of them
+six inches above the hem. Original and gorgeous as the dress would be,
+it was yet a sort of parody of Elizabeth's costume which was attracting
+so much interest and attention as she popped in and out of shops to-day.
+To-morrow that would be worn by Janet, and Janet (or Diva was much
+mistaken) should encourage her friends to get permission to use up old
+bits of chintz. Very likely chintz decoration would become quite a vogue
+among the servant maids of Tilling.... How Elizabeth had got hold of the
+idea mattered nothing, but anyhow she would be surfeited with the idea
+before Diva had finished with her. It was possible, of course (anything
+was possible), that it had occurred to her independently, but Diva was
+loath to give so innocent an ancestry to her adoption of it. It was far
+more sensible to take for granted that she had got wind of Diva's
+invention by some odious, underhand piece of spying. What that might be
+must be investigated (and probably determined) later, but at present the
+business of Janet's roses eclipsed every other interest.
+
+Miss Mapp's shopping that morning was unusually prolonged, for it was
+important that every woman in Tilling should see the poppies on the
+corn-coloured ground, and know that she had worn that dress before Diva
+appeared in some mean adaptation of it. Though the total cost of her
+entire purchases hardly amounted to a shilling, she went in and out of
+an amazing number of shops, and made a prodigious series of inquiries
+into the price of commodities that ranged from motor-cars to
+sealing-wax, and often entered a shop twice because (wreathed in smiling
+apologies for her stupidity) she had forgotten what she was told the
+first time. By twelve o'clock she was satisfied that practically
+everybody, with one exception, had seen her, and that her costume had
+aroused a deep sense of jealousy and angry admiration. So cunning was
+the handiwork of herself, Withers and Mary that she felt fairly sure
+that no one had the slightest notion of how this decoration of poppies
+was accomplished, for Evie had run round her in small mouse-like
+circles, murmuring to herself: "Very effective idea; is it woven into
+the cloth, Elizabeth? Dear me, I wonder where I could get some like it,"
+and Mrs. Poppit had followed her all up the street, with eyes glued to
+the hem of her skirt, and a completely puzzled face: "but then," so
+thought Elizabeth sweetly "even members of the Order of the British
+Empire can't have everything their own way." As for the Major, he had
+simply come to a dead stop when he bounced out of his house as she
+passed, and said something very gallant and appropriate. Even the
+absence of that one inhabitant of Tilling, dear Diva, did not strike a
+jarring note in this paean of triumph, for Miss Mapp was quite satisfied
+that Diva was busy indoors, working her fingers to the bone over the
+application of bunches of roses, and, as usual, she was perfectly
+correct in her conjecture. But dear Diva would have to see the new
+frock to-morrow afternoon, at the latest, when she came to the
+bridge-party. Perhaps she would then, for the first time, be wearing the
+roses herself, and everybody would very pleasantly pity her. This was so
+rapturous a thought, that when Miss Mapp, after her prolonged shopping
+and with her almost empty basket, passed Mr. Hopkins standing outside
+his shop on her return home again, she gave him her usual smile, though
+without meeting his eye, and tried to forget how much of him she had
+seen yesterday. Perhaps she might speak to him to-morrow and gradually
+resume ordinary relations, for the prices at the other fish shop were as
+high as the quality of the fish was low.... She told herself that there
+was nothing actually immoral in the human skin, however embarrassing it
+was.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Miss Mapp had experienced a cruel disappointment last night, though the
+triumph of this morning had done something to soothe it, for Major
+Benjy's window had certainly been lit up to a very late hour, and so it
+was clear that he had not been able, twice in succession, to tear
+himself away from his diaries, or whatever else detained him, and go to
+bed at a proper time. Captain Puffin, however, had not sat up late;
+indeed he must have gone to bed quite unusually early, for his window
+was dark by half-past nine. To-night, again the position was reversed,
+and it seemed that Major Benjy was "good" and Captain Puffin was "bad."
+On the whole, then, there was cause for thankfulness, and as she added a
+tin of biscuits and two jars of bovril to her prudent stores, she found
+herself a conscious sceptic about those Roman roads. Diaries (perhaps)
+were a little different, for egoism was a more potent force than
+archaeology, and for her part she now definitely believed that Roman
+roads spelt some form of drink. She was sorry to believe it, but it was
+her duty to believe something of the kind, and she really did not know
+what else to believe. She did not go so far as mentally to accuse him of
+drunkenness, but considering the way he absorbed red-currant fool, it
+was clear that he was no foe to alcohol and probably watered the Roman
+roads with it. With her vivid imagination she pictured him----
+
+Miss Mapp recalled herself from this melancholy reflection and put up
+her hand just in time to save a bottle of bovril which she had put on
+the top shelf in front of the sack of flour from tumbling to the ground.
+With the latest additions she had made to her larder, it required
+considerable ingenuity to fit all the tins and packages in, and for a
+while she diverted her mind from Captain Puffin's drinking to her own
+eating. But by careful packing and balancing she managed to stow
+everything away with sufficient economy of space to allow her to shut
+the door, and then put the card-table in place again. It was then late,
+and with a fond look at her sweet flowers sleeping in the moonlight, she
+went to bed. Captain Puffin's sitting-room was still alight, and even as
+she deplored this, his shadow in profile crossed the blind. Shadows were
+queer things--she could make a beautiful shadow-rabbit on the wall by a
+dexterous interlacement of fingers and thumbs--and certainly this
+shadow, in the momentary glance she had of it, appeared to have a large
+moustache. She could make nothing whatever out of that, except to
+suppose that just as fingers and thumbs became a rabbit, so his nose
+became a moustache, for he could not have grown one since he came back
+from golf....
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+She was out early for her shopping next morning, for there were some
+delicacies to be purchased for her bridge-party, more particularly some
+little chocolate cakes she had lately discovered which looked very small
+and innocent, were in reality of so cloying and substantial a nature,
+that the partaker thereof would probably not feel capable of making any
+serious inroads into other provisions. Naturally she was much on the
+alert to-day, for it was more than possible that Diva's dress was
+finished and in evidence. What colour it would be she did not know, but
+a large quantity of rosebuds would, even at a distance, make
+identification easy. Diva was certainly not at her window this morning,
+so it seemed more than probable that they would soon meet.
+
+Far away, just crossing the High Street at the further end, she caught
+sight of a bright patch of purple, very much of the required shape.
+There was surely a pink border round the skirt and a pink panel on the
+collar, and just as surely Mrs. Bartlett, recognizable for her gliding
+mouse-like walk, was moving in its fascinating wake. Then the purple
+patch vanished into a shop, and Miss Mapp, all smiles and poppies, went
+with her basket up the street. Presently she encountered Evie, who, also
+all smiles, seemed to have some communication to make, but only got as
+far as "Have you seen"--when she gave a little squeal of laughter, quite
+inexplicable, and glided into some dark entry. A minute afterwards, the
+purple patch suddenly appeared from a shop and almost collided with her.
+It was not Diva at all, but Diva's Janet.
+
+The shock was so indescribably severe that Miss Mapp's smile was frozen,
+so to speak, as by some sudden congealment on to her face, and did not
+thaw off it till she had reached the sharp turn at the end of the
+street, where she leaned heavily on the railing and breathed through
+her nose. A light autumnal mist overlay the miles of marsh, but the sun
+was already drinking it up, promising the Tillingites another golden
+day. The tidal river was at the flood, and the bright water lapped the
+bases of the turf-covered banks that kept it within its course. Beyond
+that was the tram-station towards which presently Major Benjy and
+Captain Puffin would be hurrying to catch the tram that would take them
+out to the golf links. The straight road across the marsh was visible,
+and the railway bridge. All these things were pitilessly unchanged, and
+Miss Mapp noted them blankly, until rage began to restore the numbed
+current of her mental processes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+If the records of history contained any similar instance of such
+treachery and low cunning as was involved in this plot of Diva's to
+dress Janet in the rosebud chintz, Miss Mapp would have liked to be told
+clearly and distinctly what it was. She could trace the workings of
+Diva's base mind with absolute accuracy, and if all the archangels in
+the hierarchy of heaven had assured her that Diva had originally
+intended the rosebuds for Janet, she would have scorned them for their
+clumsy perjury. Diva had designed and executed that dress for herself,
+and just because Miss Mapp's ingenuity (inspired by the two rosebuds
+that had fluttered out of the window) had forestalled her, she had taken
+this fiendish revenge. It was impossible to pervade the High Street
+covered with chintz poppies when a parlourmaid was being equally
+pervasive in chintz rosebuds, and what was to be done with this frock
+executed with such mirth and malice by Withers, Mary and herself she had
+no idea. She might just as well give it Withers, for she could no longer
+wear it herself, or tear the poppies from the hem and bestrew the High
+Street with them.... Miss Mapp's face froze into immobility again, for
+here, trundling swiftly towards her, was Diva herself.
+
+Diva appeared not to see her till she got quite close.
+
+"Morning, Elizabeth," she said. "Seen my Janet anywhere?"
+
+"No," said Miss Mapp.
+
+Janet (no doubt according to instructions received) popped out of a
+shop, and came towards her mistress.
+
+"Here she is," said Diva. "All right, Janet. You go home. I'll see to
+the other things."
+
+"It's a lovely day," said Miss Mapp, beginning to lash her tail. "So
+bright."
+
+"Yes. Pretty trimming of poppies," said Diva. "Janet's got rosebuds."
+
+This was too much.
+
+"Diva, I didn't think it of you," said Miss Mapp in a shaking voice.
+"You saw my new frock yesterday, and you were filled with malice and
+envy, Diva, just because I had thought of using flowers off an old
+chintz as well as you, and came out first with it. You had meant to wear
+that purple frock yourself--though I must say it fits Janet
+perfectly--and just because I was first in the field you did this. You
+gave Janet that frock, so that I should be dressed in the same style as
+your parlourmaid, and you've got a black heart, Diva!"
+
+"That's nonsense," said Diva firmly. "Heart's as red as anybody's, and
+talking of black hearts doesn't become _you_, Elizabeth. You knew I was
+cutting out roses from my curtains----"
+
+Miss Mapp laughed shrilly.
+
+"Well, if I happen to notice that you've taken your chintz curtains
+down," she said with an awful distinctness that showed the wisdom-teeth
+of which Diva had got three at the most, "and pink bunches of roses
+come flying out of your window into the High Street, even my poor wits,
+small as they are, are equal to drawing the conclusion that you are
+cutting roses out of curtains. Your well-known fondness for dress did
+the rest. With your permission, Diva, I intend to draw exactly what
+conclusions I please on every occasion, including this one."
+
+"Ho! That's how you got the idea then," said Diva. "I knew you had
+cribbed it from me."
+
+"Cribbed?" asked Miss Mapp, in ironical ignorance of what so vulgar and
+slangy an expression meant.
+
+"Cribbed means taking what isn't yours," said Diva. "Even then, if you
+had only acted in a straightforward manner----"
+
+Miss Mapp, shaken as with palsy, regretted that she had let slip, out of
+pure childlike joy, in irony, the manner in which she had obtained the
+poppy-notion, but in a quarrel regrets are useless, and she went on
+again.
+
+"And would you very kindly explain how or when I have acted in a manner
+that was not straightforward," she asked with laborious politeness. "Or
+do I understand that a monopoly of cutting up chintz curtains for
+personal adornment has been bestowed on you by Act of Parliament?"
+
+"You knew I was meaning to make a frock with chintz roses on it," said
+Diva. "You stole my idea. Worked night and day to be first. Just like
+you. Mean behaviour."
+
+"It was meaner to give that frock to Janet," said Miss Mapp.
+
+"You can give yours to Withers," snapped Diva.
+
+"Much obliged, Mrs. Plaistow," said Miss Mapp.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Diva had been watching Janet's retreating figure, and feeling that
+though revenge was sweet, revenge was also strangely expensive, for she
+had sacrificed one of the most strikingly successful frocks she had ever
+made on that smoking altar. Now her revenge was gratified, and deeply
+she regretted the frock. Miss Mapp's heart was similarly wrung by
+torture: revenge too had been hers (general revenge on Diva for
+existing), but this dreadful counter-stroke had made it quite impossible
+for her to enjoy the use of this frock any more, for she could not habit
+herself like a housemaid. Each, in fact, had, as matters at present
+stood, completely wrecked the other, like two express trains meeting in
+top-speed collision, and, since the quarrel had clearly risen to its
+utmost height, there was no farther joy of battle to be anticipated, but
+only the melancholy task of counting the corpses. So they paused,
+breathing very quickly and trembling, while both sought for some way
+out. Besides Miss Mapp had a bridge-party this afternoon, and if they
+parted now in this extreme state of tension, Diva might conceivably not
+come, thereby robbing herself of her bridge and spoiling her hostess's
+table. Naturally any permanent quarrel was not contemplated by either of
+them, for if quarrels were permanent in Tilling, nobody would be on
+speaking terms any more with anyone else in a day or two, and (hardly
+less disastrous) there could be no fresh quarrels with anybody, since
+you could not quarrel without words. There might be songs without words,
+as Mendelssohn had proved, but not rows without words. By what formula
+could this deadly antagonism be bridged without delay?
+
+Diva gazed out over the marsh. She wanted desperately to regain her
+rosebud-frock, and she knew that Elizabeth was starving for further
+wearing of her poppies. Perhaps the wide, serene plain below inspired
+her with a hatred of littleness. There would be no loss of dignity in
+making a proposal that her enemy, she felt sure, would accept: it merely
+showed a Christian spirit, and set an example to Elizabeth, to make the
+first move. Janet she did not consider.
+
+"If you are in a fit state to listen to reason, Elizabeth," she began.
+
+Miss Mapp heaved a sigh of relief. Diva had thought of something. She
+swallowed the insult at a gulp.
+
+"Yes, dear," she said.
+
+"Got an idea. Take away Janet's frock, and wear it myself. Then you can
+wear yours. Too pretty for parlour-maids. Eh?"
+
+A heavenly brightness spread over Miss Mapp's face.
+
+"Oh, how wonderful of you to have thought of that, Diva," she said. "But
+how shall we explain it all to everybody?"
+
+Diva clung to her rights. Though clearly Christian, she was human.
+
+"Say I thought of tacking chintz on and told you," she said.
+
+"Yes, darling," said Elizabeth. "That's beautiful, I agree. But poor
+Janet!"
+
+"I'll give her some other old thing," said Diva. "Good sort, Janet.
+Wants me to win."
+
+"And about her having been seen wearing it?"
+
+"Say she hasn't ever worn it. Say they're mad," said Diva.
+
+Miss Mapp felt it better to tear herself away before she began
+distilling all sorts of acidities that welled up in her fruitful mind.
+She could, for instance, easily have agreed that nothing was more
+probable than that Janet had been mistaken for her mistress....
+
+"Au reservoir then, dear," she said tenderly. "See you at about four?
+And will you wear your pretty rosebud frock?"
+
+This was agreed to, and Diva went home to take it away from Janet.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The reconciliation of course was strictly confined to matters relating
+to chintz and did not include such extraneous subjects as coal-strike or
+food-hoarding, and even in the first glowing moments of restored
+friendliness, Diva began wondering whether she would have the
+opportunity that afternoon of testing the truth of her conjecture about
+the cupboard in the garden-room. Cudgel her brains as she might she
+could think of no other _cache_ that could contain the immense amount of
+provisions that Elizabeth had probably accumulated, and she was all on
+fire to get to practical grips with the problem. As far as tins of
+corned beef and tongues went, Elizabeth might possibly have buried them
+in her garden in the manner of a dog, but it was not likely that a
+hoarder would limit herself to things in tins. No: there was a cupboard
+somewhere ready to burst with strong supporting foods....
+
+Diva intentionally arrived a full quarter of an hour on the hither side
+of punctuality, and was taken by Withers out into the garden-room, where
+tea was laid, and two card-tables were in readiness. She was, of course,
+the first of the guests, and the moment Withers withdrew to tell her
+mistress that she had come, Diva stealthily glided to the cupboard, from
+in front of which the bridge-table had been removed, feeling the shrill
+joy of some romantic treasure hunter. She found the catch, she pressed
+it, she pulled open the door and the whole of the damning profusion of
+provisions burst upon her delighted eyes. Shelf after shelf was crowded
+with eatables; there were tins of corned beef and tongues (that she knew
+already), there was a sack of flour, there were tubes of Bath Oliver
+biscuits, bottles of bovril, the yield of a thousand condensed Swiss
+cows, jars of prunes.... All these were in the front row, flush with the
+door, and who knew to what depth the cupboard extended? Even as she
+feasted her eyes on this incredible store, some package on the top shelf
+wavered and toppled, and she had only just time to shut the door again,
+in order to prevent it falling out on to the floor. But this
+displacement prevented the door from wholly closing, and push and shove
+as Diva might, she could not get the catch to click home, and the only
+result of her energy and efforts was to give rise to a muffled explosion
+from within, just precisely as if something made of cardboard had burst.
+That mental image was so vivid that to her fevered imagination it seemed
+to be real. This was followed by certain faint taps from within against
+"Elegant Extracts" and "Astronomy."
+
+Diva grew very red in the face, and said "Drat it" under her breath. She
+did not dare open the door again in order to push things back, for fear
+of an uncontrollable stream of "things" pouring out. Some nicely
+balanced equilibrium had clearly been upset in those capacious shelves,
+and it was impossible to tell, without looking, how deep and how
+extensive the disturbance was. And in order to look, she had to open the
+bookcase again.... Luckily the pressure against the door was not
+sufficiently heavy to cause it to swing wide, so the best she could do
+was to leave it just ajar with temporary quiescence inside.
+Simultaneously she heard Miss Mapp's step, and had no more than time to
+trundle at the utmost speed of her whirling feet across to the window,
+where she stood looking out, and appeared quite unconscious of her
+hostess's entry.
+
+"Diva darling, how sweet of you to come so early!" she said. "A little
+cosy chat before the others arrive."
+
+Diva turned round, much startled.
+
+"Hullo!" she said. "Didn't hear you. Got Janet's frock you see."
+
+("What makes Diva's face so red?" thought Miss Mapp.)
+
+"So I see, darling," she said. "Lovely rose-garden. How well it suits
+you, dear! Did Janet mind?"
+
+"No. Promised her a new frock at Christmas."
+
+"That will be nice for Janet," said Elizabeth enthusiastically. "Shall
+we pop into the garden, dear, till my guests come?"
+
+Diva was glad to pop into the garden and get away from the immediate
+vicinity of the cupboard, for though she had planned and looked forward
+to the exposure of Elizabeth's hoarding, she had not meant it to come,
+as it now probably would, in crashes of tins and bursting of bovril
+bottles. Again she had intended to have opened that door quite casually
+and innocently while she was being dummy, so that everyone could see how
+accidental the exposure was, and to have gone poking about the cupboard
+in Elizabeth's absence was a shade too professional, so to speak, for
+the usual detective work of Tilling. But the fuse was set now. Sooner or
+later the explosion must come. She wondered as they went out to commune
+with Elizabeth's sweet flowers till the other guests arrived how great a
+torrent would be let loose. She did not repent her exploration--far from
+it--but her pleasurable anticipations were strongly diluted with
+suspense.
+
+Miss Mapp had found such difficulty in getting eight players together
+to-day, that she had transgressed her principles and asked Mrs. Poppit
+as well as Isabel, and they, with Diva, the two Bartletts, and the Major
+and the Captain, formed the party. The moment Mrs. Poppit appeared,
+Elizabeth hated her more than ever, for she put up her glasses, and
+began to give her patronizing advice about her garden, which she had not
+been allowed to see before.
+
+"You have quite a pretty little piece of garden, Miss Mapp," she said,
+"though, to be sure, I fancied from what you said that it was more
+extensive. Dear me, your roses do not seem to be doing very well.
+Probably they are old plants and want renewing. You must send your
+gardener round--you keep a gardener?--and I will let you have a dozen
+vigorous young bushes."
+
+Miss Mapp licked her dry lips. She kept a kind of gardener: two days a
+week.
+
+"Too good of you," she said, "but that rose-bed is quite sacred, dear
+Mrs. Poppit. Not all the vigorous young bushes in the world would tempt
+me. It's my 'Friendship's Border:' some dear friend gave me each of my
+rose-trees."
+
+Mrs. Poppit transferred her gaze to the wistaria that grew over the
+steps up to the garden-room. Some of the dear friends she thought must
+be centenarians.
+
+"Your wistaria wants pruning sadly," she said. "Your gardener does not
+understand wistarias. That corner there was made, I may say, for
+fuchsias. You should get a dozen choice fuchsias."
+
+Miss Mapp laughed.
+
+"Oh, you must excuse me," she said with a glance at Mrs. Poppit's
+brocaded silk. "I can't bear fuchsias. They always remind me of
+over-dressed women. Ah, there's Mr. Bartlett. How de do, Padre. And dear
+Evie!"
+
+Dear Evie appeared fascinated by Diva's dress.
+
+"Such beautiful rosebuds," she murmured, "and what lovely shade of
+purple. And Elizabeth's poppies too, quite a pair of you. But surely
+this morning, Diva, didn't I see your good Janet in just such another
+dress, and I thought at the time how odd it was that----"
+
+"If you saw Janet this morning," said Diva quite firmly, "you saw her in
+her print dress."
+
+"And here's Major Benjy," said Miss Mapp, who had made her slip about
+his Christian name yesterday, and had been duly entreated to continue
+slipping. "And Captain Puffin. Well, that is nice! Shall we go into my
+little garden shed, dear Mrs. Poppit, and have our tea?"
+
+Major Flint was still a little lame, for his golf to-day had been of the
+nature of gardening, and he hobbled up the steps behind the ladies, with
+that little cock-sparrow sailor following him and telling the Padre how
+badly and yet how successfully he himself had played.
+
+"Pleasantest room in Tilling, I always say, Miss Elizabeth," said he,
+diverting his mind from a mere game to the fairies.
+
+"My dear little room," said Miss Mapp, knowing that it was much larger
+than anything in Mrs. Poppit's house. "So tiny!"
+
+"Oh, not a bad-sized little room," said Mrs. Poppit encouragingly. "Much
+the same proportions, on a very small scale, as the throne-room at
+Buckingham Palace."
+
+"That beautiful throne-room!" exclaimed Miss Mapp. "A cup of tea, dear
+Mrs. Poppit? None of that naughty red-currant fool, I am afraid. And a
+little chocolate-cake?"
+
+These substantial chocolate cakes soon did their fell work of producing
+the sense of surfeit, and presently Elizabeth's guests dropped off
+gorged from the tea-table. Diva fortunately remembered their consistency
+in time, and nearly cleared a plate of jumbles instead, which the
+hostess had hoped would form a pleasant accompaniment to her dessert at
+her supper this evening, and was still crashingly engaged on them when
+the general drifting movement towards the two bridge-tables set in. Mrs.
+Poppit, with her glasses up, followed by Isabel, was employed in making
+a tour of the room, in case, as Miss Mapp had already determined, she
+never saw it again, examining the quality of the carpet, the curtains,
+the chair-backs with the air of a doubtful purchaser.
+
+"And quite a quantity of books, I see," she announced as she came
+opposite the fatal cupboard. "Look, Isabel, what a quantity of books.
+There is something strange about them, though; I do not believe they are
+real."
+
+She put out her hand and pulled at the back of one of the volumes of
+"Elegant Extracts." The door swung open, and from behind it came a noise
+of rattling, bumping and clattering. Something soft and heavy thumped on
+to the floor, and a cloud of floury dust arose. A bottle of bovril
+embedded itself quietly there without damage, and a tin of Bath Oliver
+biscuits beat a fierce tattoo on one of corned beef. Innumerable dried
+apricots from the burst package flew about like shrapnel, and tapped at
+the tins. A jar of prunes, breaking its fall on the flour, rolled
+merrily out into the middle of the floor.
+
+The din was succeeded by complete silence. The Padre had said "What ho,
+i' fegs?" during the tumult, but his voice had been drowned by the
+rattling of the dried apricots. The Member of the Order of the British
+Empire stepped free of the provisions that bumped round her, and
+examined them through her glasses. Diva crammed the last jumble into
+her mouth and disposed of it with the utmost rapidity. The birthday of
+her life had come, as Miss Rossetti said.
+
+"Dear Elizabeth!" she exclaimed. "What a disaster! All your little
+stores in case of the coal strike. Let me help to pick them up. I do not
+think anything is broken. Isn't that lucky?"
+
+Evie hurried to the spot.
+
+"Such a quantity of good things," she said rapidly under her breath.
+"Tinned meats and bovril and prunes, and ever so many apricots. Let me
+pick them all up, and with a little dusting.... Why, what a big
+cupboard, and such a quantity of good things."
+
+Miss Mapp had certainly struck a streak of embarrassments. What with
+naked Mr. Hopkins, and Janet's frock and this unveiling of her hoard,
+life seemed at the moment really to consist of nothing else than beastly
+situations. How on earth that catch of the door had come undone, she had
+no idea, but much as she would have liked to suspect foul play from
+somebody, she was bound to conclude that Mrs. Poppit with her prying
+hands had accidentally pressed it. It was like Diva, of course, to break
+the silence with odious allusions to hoarding, and bitterly she wished
+that she had not started the topic the other day, but had been content
+to lay in her stores without so pointedly affirming that she was doing
+nothing of the kind. But this was no time for vain laments, and
+restraining a natural impulse to scratch and beat Mrs. Poppit, she
+exhibited an admirable inventiveness and composure. Though she knew it
+would deceive nobody, everybody had to pretend he was deceived.
+
+"Oh, my poor little Christmas presents for your needy parishioners,
+Padre," she said. "You've seen them before you were meant to, and you
+must forget all about them. And so little harm done, just an apricot or
+two. Withers will pick them all up, so let us get to our bridge."
+
+Withers entered the room at this moment to clear away tea, and Miss Mapp
+explained it all over again.
+
+"All our little Christmas presents have come tumbling out, Withers," she
+said. "Will you put as many as you can back in the cupboard and take the
+rest indoors? Don't tread on the apricots."
+
+It was difficult to avoid doing this, as the apricots were everywhere,
+and their colour on the brown carpet was wonderfully protective. Miss
+Mapp herself had already stepped on two, and their adhesive stickiness
+was hard to get rid of. In fact, for the next few minutes the
+coal-shovel was in strong request for their removal from the soles of
+shoes, and the fender was littered with their squashed remains.... The
+party generally was distinctly thoughtful as it sorted itself out into
+two tables, for every single member of it was trying to assimilate the
+amazing proposition that Miss Mapp had, half-way through September,
+loaded her cupboard with Christmas presents on a scale that staggered
+belief. The feat required thought: it required a faith so childlike as
+to verge on the imbecile. Conversation during deals had an awkward
+tendency towards discussion of the coal strike. As often as it drifted
+there the subject was changed very abruptly, just as if there was some
+occult reason for not speaking of so natural a topic. It concerned
+everybody, but it was rightly felt to concern Miss Mapp the most....
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER V
+
+
+It was the Major's turn to entertain his friend, and by half-past nine,
+on a certain squally October evening, he and Puffin were seated by the
+fire in the diary-room, while the rain volleyed at the windows and
+occasional puffs of stinging smoke were driven down the chimney by the
+gale that squealed and buffeted round the house. Puffin, by way of
+keeping up the comedy of Roman roads, had brought a map of the district
+across from his house, but the more essential part of his equipment for
+this studious evening was a bottle of whisky. Originally the host had
+provided whisky for himself and his guest at these pleasant chats, but
+there were undeniable objections to this plan, because the guest always
+proved unusually thirsty, which tempted his host to keep pace with him,
+while if they both drank at their own expense, the causes of economy and
+abstemiousness had a better chance. Also, while the Major took his
+drinks short and strong in a small tumbler, Puffin enriched his with
+lemons and sugar in a large one, so that nobody could really tell if
+equality as well as fraternity was realized. But if each brought his own
+bottle....
+
+It had been a trying day, and the Major was very lame. A drenching storm
+had come up during their golf, while they were far from the club-house,
+and Puffin, being three up, had very naturally refused to accede to his
+opponent's suggestion to call the match off. He was perfectly willing to
+be paid his half-crown and go home, but Major Flint, remembering that
+Puffin's game usually went to pieces if it rained, had rejected this
+proposal with the scorn that it deserved. There had been other
+disagreeable incidents as well. His driver, slippery from rain, had
+flown out of the Major's hands on the twelfth tee, and had "shot like a
+streamer of the northern morn," and landed in a pool of brackish water
+left by an unusually high tide. The ball had gone into another pool
+nearer the tee. The ground was greasy with moisture, and three holes
+further on Puffin had fallen flat on his face instead of lashing his
+fifth shot home on to the green, as he had intended. They had given each
+other stimies, and each had holed his opponent's ball by mistake; they
+had wrangled over the correct procedure if you lay in a rabbit-scrape or
+on the tram lines; the Major had lost a new ball; there was a mushroom
+on one of the greens between Puffin's ball and the hole.... All these
+untoward incidents had come crowding in together, and from the Major's
+point of view, the worst of them all had been the collective incident
+that Puffin, so far from being put off by the rain, had, in spite of
+mushroom and falling down, played with a steadiness of which he was
+usually quite incapable. Consequently Major Flint was lame and his wound
+troubled him, while Puffin, in spite of his obvious reasons for
+complacency, was growing irritated with his companion's ill-temper, and
+was half blinded by wood-smoke.
+
+He wiped his streaming eyes.
+
+"You should get your chimney swept," he observed.
+
+Major Flint had put his handkerchief over his face to keep the
+wood-smoke out of his eyes. He blew it off with a loud, indignant puff.
+
+"Oh! Ah! Indeed!" he said.
+
+Puffin was rather taken aback by the violence of these interjections;
+they dripped with angry sarcasm.
+
+"Oh, well! No offence," he said.
+
+"A man," said the Major impersonally, "makes an offensive remark, and
+says 'No offence.' If your own fireside suits you better than mine,
+Captain Puffin, all I can say is that you're at liberty to enjoy it!"
+
+This was all rather irregular: they had indulged in a good stiff breeze
+this afternoon, and it was too early to ruffle the calm again. Puffin
+plucked and proffered an olive-branch.
+
+"There's your handkerchief," he said, picking it up. "Now let's have one
+of our comfortable talks. Hot glass of grog and a chat over the fire:
+that's the best thing after such a wetting as we got this afternoon.
+I'll take a slice of lemon, if you'll be so good as to give it me, and a
+lump of sugar."
+
+The Major got up and limped to his cupboard. It struck him precisely at
+that moment that Puffin scored considerably over lemons and sugar,
+because he was supplied with them gratis every other night; whereas he
+himself, when Puffin's guest, took nothing off his host but hot water.
+He determined to ask for some biscuits, anyhow, to-morrow....
+
+"I hardly know whether there's a lemon left," he grumbled. "I must lay
+in a store of lemons. As for sugar----"
+
+Puffin chose to disregard this suggestion.
+
+"Amusing incident the other day," he said brightly, "when Miss Mapp's
+cupboard door flew open. The old lady didn't like it. Don't suppose the
+poor of the parish will see much of that corned beef."
+
+The Major became dignified.
+
+"Pardon me," he said. "When an esteemed friend like Miss Elizabeth tells
+me that certain provisions are destined for the poor of the parish, I
+take it that her statement is correct. I expect others of my friends,
+while they are in my presence, to do the same. I have the honour to give
+you a lemon, Captain Puffin, and a slice of sugar. I should say a lump
+of sugar. Pray make yourself comfortable."
+
+This dignified and lofty mood was often one of the after-effects of an
+unsuccessful game of golf. It generally yielded quite quickly to a
+little stimulant. Puffin filled his glass from the bottle and the
+kettle, while his friend put his handkerchief again over his face.
+
+"Well, I shall just have my grog before I turn in," he observed,
+according to custom. "Aren't you going to join me, Major?"
+
+"Presently, sir," said the Major.
+
+Puffin knocked out the consumed cinders in his pipe against the edge of
+the fender. Major Flint apparently was waiting for this, for he withdrew
+his handkerchief and closely watched the process. A minute piece of ash
+fell from Puffin's pipe on to the hearthrug, and he jumped to his feet
+and removed it very carefully with the shovel.
+
+"I have your permission, I hope?" he said witheringly.
+
+"Certainly, certainly," said Puffin. "Now get your glass, Major. You'll
+feel better in a minute or two."
+
+Major Flint would have liked to have kept up this magnificent attitude,
+but the smell of Puffin's steaming glass beat dignity down, and after
+glaring at him, he limped back to the cupboard for his whisky bottle. He
+gave a lamentable cry when he beheld it.
+
+"But I got that bottle in only the day before yesterday," he shouted,
+"and there's hardly a drink left in it."
+
+"Well, you did yourself pretty well last night," said Puffin. "Those
+small glasses of yours, if frequently filled up, empty a bottle quicker
+than you seem to realize."
+
+Motives of policy prevented the Major from receiving this with the
+resentment that was proper to it, and his face cleared. He would get
+quits over these incessant lemons and lumps of sugar.
+
+"Well, you'll have to let me borrow from you to-night," he said
+genially, as he poured the rest of the contents of his bottle into the
+glass. "Ah, that's more the ticket! A glass of whisky a day keeps the
+doctor away."
+
+The prospect of sponging on Puffin was most exhilarating, and he put his
+large slippered feet on to the fender.
+
+"Yes, indeed, that was a highly amusing incident about Miss Mapp's
+cupboard," he said. "And wasn't Mrs. Plaistow down on her like a knife
+about it? Our fair friends, you know, have a pretty sharp eye for each
+other's little failings. They've no sooner finished one squabble than
+they begin another, the pert little fairies. They can't sit and enjoy
+themselves like two old cronies I could tell you of, and feel at peace
+with all the world."
+
+He finished his glass at a gulp, and seemed much surprised to find it
+empty.
+
+"I'll be borrowing a drop from you, old friend," he said.
+
+"Help yourself, Major," said Puffin, with a keen eye as to how much he
+took.
+
+"Very obliging of you. I feel as if I caught a bit of a chill this
+afternoon. My wound."
+
+"Be careful not to inflame it," said Puffin.
+
+"Thank ye for the warning. It's this beastly climate that touches it up.
+A winter in England adds years on to a man's life unless he takes care
+of himself. Take care of yourself, old boy. Have some more sugar."
+
+Before long the Major's hand was moving slowly and instinctively towards
+Puffin's whisky bottle again.
+
+"I reckon that big glass of yours, Puffin," he said, "holds between
+three and a half times to four times what my little tumbler holds.
+Between three and a half and four I should reckon. I may be wrong."
+
+"Reckoning the water in, I daresay you're not far out, Major," said he.
+"And according to my estimate you mix your drink somewhere about three
+and a half times to four stronger than I mix mine."
+
+"Oh, come, come!" said the Major.
+
+"Three and a half to four times, _I_ should say," repeated Puffin. "You
+won't find I'm far out."
+
+He replenished his big tumbler, and instead of putting the bottle back
+on the table, absently deposited it on the floor on the far side of his
+chair. This second tumbler usually marked the most convivial period of
+the evening, for the first would have healed whatever unhappy discords
+had marred the harmony of the day, and, those being disposed of, they
+very contentedly talked through their hats about past prowesses, and
+took a rosy view of the youth and energy which still beat in their
+vigorous pulses. They would begin, perhaps, by extolling each other:
+Puffin, when informed that his friend would be fifty-four next birthday,
+flatly refused (without offence) to believe it, and, indeed, he was
+quite right in so doing, because the Major was in reality fifty-six. In
+turn, Major Flint would say that his friend had the figure of a boy of
+twenty, which caused Puffin presently to feel a little cramped and to
+wander negligently in front of the big looking-glass between the
+windows, and find this compliment much easier to swallow than the
+Major's age. For the next half-hour they would chiefly talk about
+themselves in a pleasant glow of self-satisfaction. Major Flint, looking
+at the various implements and trophies that adorned the room, would
+suggest putting a sporting challenge in the _Times_.
+
+"'Pon my word, Puffin," he would say, "I've half a mind to do it.
+Retired Major of His Majesty's Forces--the King, God bless him!" (and he
+took a substantial sip); "'Retired Major, aged fifty-four, challenges
+any gentleman of fifty years or over.'"
+
+"Forty," said Puffin sycophantically, as he thought over what he would
+say about himself when the old man had finished.
+
+"Well, we'll halve it, we'll say forty-five, to please you,
+Puffin--let's see, where had I got to?--'Retired Major challenges any
+gentleman of forty-five years or over to--to a shooting match in the
+morning, followed by half a dozen rounds with four-ounce gloves, a game
+of golf, eighteen holes, in the afternoon, and a billiard match of two
+hundred up after tea.' Ha! ha! I shouldn't feel much anxiety as to the
+result."
+
+"My confounded leg!" said Puffin. "But I know a retired captain from His
+Majesty's merchant service--the King, God bless him!--aged fifty----"
+
+"Ho! ho! Fifty, indeed!" said the Major, thinking to himself that a
+dried-up little man like Puffin might be as old as an Egyptian mummy.
+Who can tell the age of a kipper?...
+
+"Not a day less, Major. 'Retired Captain, aged fifty, who'll take on all
+comers of forty-two and over, at a steeplechase, round of golf, billiard
+match, hopping match, gymnastic competition, swinging Indian clubs----'
+No objection, gentlemen? Then carried _nem. con._"
+
+This gaseous mood, athletic, amatory or otherwise (the amatory ones were
+the worst), usually faded slowly, like the light from the setting sun or
+an exhausted coal in the grate, about the end of Puffin's second
+tumbler, and the gentlemen after that were usually somnolent, but
+occasionally laid the foundation for some disagreement next day, which
+they were too sleepy to go into now. Major Flint by this time would have
+had some five small glasses of whisky (equivalent, as he bitterly
+observed, to one in pre-war days), and as he measured his next with
+extreme care and a slightly jerky movement, would announce it as being
+his night-cap, though you would have thought he had plenty of night-caps
+on already. Puffin correspondingly took a thimbleful more (the thimble
+apparently belonging to some housewife of Anak), and after another
+half-hour of sudden single snores and startings awake again, of pipes
+frequently lit and immediately going out, the guest, still perfectly
+capable of coherent speech and voluntary motion in the required
+direction, would stumble across the dark cobbles to his house, and doors
+would be very carefully closed for fear of attracting the attention of
+the lady who at this period of the evening was usually known as "Old
+Mappy." The two were perfectly well aware of the sympathetic interest
+that Old Mappy took in all that concerned them, and that she had an eye
+on their evening seances was evidenced by the frequency with which the
+corner of her blind in the window of the garden-room was raised between,
+say, half-past nine and eleven at night. They had often watched with
+giggles the pencil of light that escaped, obscured at the lower end by
+the outline of Old Mappy's head, and occasionally drank to the "Guardian
+Angel." Guardian Angel, in answer to direct inquiries, had been told by
+Major Benjy during the last month that he worked at his diaries on three
+nights in the week and went to bed early on the others, to the vast
+improvement of his mental grasp.
+
+"And on Sunday night, dear Major Benjy?" asked Old Mappy in the
+character of Guardian Angel.
+
+"I don't think you knew my beloved, my revered mother, Miss Elizabeth,"
+said Major Benjy. "I spend Sunday evening as---- Well, well."
+
+The very next Sunday evening Guardian Angel had heard the sound of
+singing. She could not catch the words, and only fragments of the tune,
+which reminded her of "The roseate morn hath passed away." Brimming with
+emotion, she sang it softly to herself as she undressed, and blamed
+herself very much for ever having thought that dear Major Benjy---- She
+peeped out of her window when she had extinguished her light, but
+fortunately the singing had ceased.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+To-night, however, the epoch of Puffin's second big tumbler was not
+accompanied by harmonious developments. Major Benjy was determined to
+make the most of this unique opportunity of drinking his friend's
+whisky, and whether Puffin put the bottle on the further side of him, or
+under his chair, or under the table, he came padding round in his
+slippers and standing near the ambush while he tried to interest his
+friend in tales of love or tiger-shooting so as to distract his
+attention. When he mistakenly thought he had done so, he hastily
+refilled his glass, taking unusually stiff doses for fear of not getting
+another opportunity, and altogether omitting to ask Puffin's leave for
+these maraudings. When this had happened four or five times, Puffin,
+acting on the instinct of the polar bear who eats her babies for fear
+that anybody else should get them, surreptitiously poured the rest of
+his bottle into his glass, and filled it up to the top with hot water,
+making a mixture of extraordinary power.
+
+Soon after this Major Flint came rambling round the table again. He was
+not sure whether Puffin had put the bottle by his chair or behind the
+coal-scuttle, and was quite ignorant of the fact that wherever it was,
+it was empty. Amorous reminiscences to-night had been the accompaniment
+to Puffin's second tumbler.
+
+"Devilish fine woman she was," he said, "and that was the last that
+Benjamin Flint ever saw of her. She went up to the hills next
+morning----"
+
+"But the last you saw of her just now was on the deck of the P. and O.
+at Bombay," objected Puffin. "Or did she go up to the hills on the deck
+of the P. and O.? Wonderful line!"
+
+"No, sir," said Benjamin Flint, "that was Helen, _la belle Helene_. It
+was _la belle Helene_ whom I saw off at the Apollo Bunder. I don't know
+if I told you-- By Gad, I've kicked the bottle over. No idea you'd put it
+there. Hope the cork's in."
+
+"No harm if it isn't," said Puffin, beginning on his third most fiery
+glass. The strength of it rather astonished him.
+
+"You don't mean to say it's empty?" asked Major Flint. "Why just now
+there was close on a quarter of a bottle left."
+
+"As much as that?" asked Puffin. "Glad to hear it."
+
+"Not a drop less. You don't mean to say---- Well, if you can drink that and
+can say hippopotamus afterwards, I should put that among your
+challenges, to men of four hundred and two: I should say forty-two. It's
+a fine thing to have a strong head, though if I drank what you've got in
+your glass, I should be tipsy, sir."
+
+Puffin laughed in his irritating falsetto manner.
+
+"Good thing that it's in my glass then, and not your glass," he said.
+"And lemme tell you, Major, in case you don't know it, that when I've
+drunk every drop of this and sucked the lemon, you'll have had far more
+out of my bottle this evening than I have. My usual twice and--and my
+usual night-cap, as you say, is what's my ration, and I've had no more
+than my ration. Eight Bells."
+
+"And a pretty good ration you've got there," said the baffled Major.
+"Without your usual twice."
+
+Puffin was beginning to be aware of that as he swallowed the fiery
+mixture, but nothing in the world would now have prevented his drinking
+every single drop of it. It was clear to him, among so much that was dim
+owing to the wood-smoke, that the Major would miss a good many drives
+to-morrow morning.
+
+"And whose whisky is it?" he said, gulping down the fiery stuff.
+
+"I know whose it's going to be," said the other.
+
+"And I know whose it is now," retorted Puffin, "and I know whose whisky
+it is that's filled you up ti' as a drum. Tight as a drum," he repeated
+very carefully.
+
+Major Flint was conscious of an unusual activity of brain, and, when he
+spoke, of a sort of congestion and entanglement of words. It pleased him
+to think that he had drunk so much of somebody's else whisky, but he
+felt that he ought to be angry.
+
+"That's a very unmentionable sor' of thing to say," he remarked. "An' if
+it wasn't for the sacred claims of hospitality, I'd make you explain
+just what you mean by that, and make you eat your words. Pologize, in
+fact."
+
+Puffin finished his glass at a gulp, and rose to his feet.
+
+"Pologies be blowed," he said. "Hittopopamus!"
+
+"And were you addressing that to me?" asked Major Flint with deadly
+calm.
+
+"Of course, I was. Hippot---- same animal as before. Pleasant old boy.
+And as for the lemon you lent me, well, I don't want it any more. Have a
+suck at it, ole fellow! I don't want it any more."
+
+The Major turned purple in the face, made a course for the door like a
+knight's move at chess (a long step in one direction and a short one at
+right angles to the first) and opened it. The door thus served as an
+aperture from the room and a support to himself. He spoke no word of any
+sort or kind: his silence spoke for him in a far more dignified manner
+than he could have managed for himself.
+
+Captain Puffin stood for a moment wreathed in smiles, and fingering the
+slice of lemon, which he had meant playfully to throw at his friend. But
+his smile faded, and by some sort of telepathic perception he realized
+how much more decorous it was to say (or, better, to indicate)
+good-night in a dignified manner than to throw lemons about. He walked
+in dots and dashes like a Morse code out of the room, bestowing a naval
+salute on the Major as he passed. The latter returned it with a military
+salute and a suppressed hiccup. Not a word passed.
+
+Then Captain Puffin found his hat and coat without much difficulty, and
+marched out of the house, slamming the door behind him with a bang that
+echoed down the street and made Miss Mapp dream about a thunderstorm. He
+let himself into his own house, and bent down before his expired fire,
+which he tried to blow into life again. This was unsuccessful, and he
+breathed in a quantity of wood-ash.
+
+He sat down by his table and began to think things out. He told himself
+that he was not drunk at all, but that he had taken an unusual quantity
+of whisky, which seemed to produce much the same effect as intoxication.
+Allowing for that, he was conscious that he was extremely angry about
+something, and had a firm idea that the Major was very angry too.
+
+"But woz'it all been about?" he vainly asked himself. "Woz'it all been
+about?"
+
+He was roused from his puzzling over this unanswerable conundrum by the
+clink of the flap in his letter-box. Either this was the first post in
+the morning, in which case it was much later than he thought, and
+wonderfully dark still, or it was the last post at night, in which case
+it was much earlier than he thought. But, whichever it was, a letter had
+been slipped into his box, and he brought it in. The gum on the envelope
+was still wet, which saved trouble in opening it. Inside was a half
+sheet containing but a few words. This curt epistle ran as follows:
+
+     "SIR,
+
+     "My seconds will wait on you in the course of to-morrow morning.
+
+                                     "Your faithful obedient servant,
+
+                                                     "BENJAMIN FLINT.
+
+     Captain Puffin."
+
+Puffin felt as calm as a tropic night, and as courageous as a captain.
+Somewhere below his courage and his calm was an appalling sense of
+misgiving. That he successfully stifled.
+
+"Very proper," he said aloud. "Qui' proper. Insults. Blood. Seconds
+won't have to wait a second. Better get a good sleep."
+
+He went up to his room, fell on to his bed and instantly began to snore.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It was still dark when he awoke, but the square of his window was
+visible against the blackness, and he concluded that though it was not
+morning yet, it was getting on for morning, which seemed a pity. As he
+turned over on to his side his hand came in contact with his coat,
+instead of a sheet, and he became aware that he had all his clothes on.
+Then, as with a crash of cymbals and the beating of a drum in his brain,
+the events of the evening before leaped into reality and significance.
+In a few hours now arrangements would have been made for a deadly
+encounter. His anger was gone, his whisky was gone, and in particular
+his courage was gone. He expressed all this compendiously by moaning
+"Oh, God!"
+
+He struggled to a sitting position, and lit a match at which he kindled
+his candle. He looked for his watch beside it, but it was not there.
+What could have happened--then he remembered that it was in its
+accustomed place in his waistcoat pocket. A consultation of it followed
+by holding it to his ear only revealed the fact that it had stopped at
+half-past five. With the lucidity that was growing brighter in his
+brain, he concluded that this stoppage was due to the fact that he had
+not wound it up.... It was after half-past five then, but how much later
+only the Lords of Time knew--Time which bordered so closely on Eternity.
+
+He felt that he had no use whatever for Eternity but that he must not
+waste Time. Just now, that was far more precious.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From somewhere in the Cosmic Consciousness there came to him a thought,
+namely, that the first train to London started at half-past six in the
+morning. It was a slow train, but it got there, and in any case it went
+away from Tilling. He did not trouble to consider how that thought came
+to him: the important point was that it had come. Coupled with that was
+the knowledge that it was now an undiscoverable number of minutes after
+half-past five.
+
+There was a Gladstone bag under his bed. He had brought it back from the
+Club-house only yesterday, after that game of golf which had been so
+full of disturbances and wet stockings, but which now wore the
+shimmering security of peaceful, tranquil days long past. How little, so
+he thought to himself, as he began swiftly storing shirts, ties, collars
+and other useful things into his bag, had he appreciated the sweet
+amenities of life, its pleasant conversations and companionships, its
+topped drives, and mushrooms and incalculable incidents. Now they wore a
+glamour and a preciousness that was bound up with life itself. He
+starved for more of them, not knowing while they were his how sweet they
+were.
+
+The house was not yet astir, when ten minutes later he came downstairs
+with his bag. He left on his sitting-room table, where it would catch
+the eye of his housemaid, a sheet of paper on which he wrote "Called
+away" (he shuddered as he traced the words). "Forward no letters. Will
+communicate...." (Somehow the telegraphic form seemed best to suit the
+urgency of the situation.) Then very quietly he let himself out of his
+house.
+
+He could not help casting an apprehensive glance at the windows of his
+quondam friend and prospective murderer. To his horror he observed that
+there was a light behind the blind of the Major's bedroom, and pictured
+him writing to his seconds--he wondered who the "seconds" were going to
+be--or polishing up his pistols. All the rumours and hints of the
+Major's duels and affairs of honour, which he had rather scorned before,
+not wholly believing them, poured like a red torrent into his mind, and
+he found that now he believed them with a passionate sincerity. Why had
+he ever attempted (and with such small success) to call this fire-eater
+a hippopotamus?
+
+The gale of the night before had abated, and thick chilly rain was
+falling from a sullen sky as he tiptoed down the hill. Once round the
+corner and out of sight of the duellist's house, he broke into a limping
+run, which was accelerated by the sound of an engine-whistle from the
+station. It was mental suspense of the most agonizing kind not to know
+how long it was after his watch had stopped that he had awoke, and the
+sound of that whistle, followed by several short puffs of steam, might
+prove to be the six-thirty bearing away to London, on business or
+pleasure, its secure and careless pilgrims. Splashing through puddles,
+lopsidedly weighted by his bag, with his mackintosh flapping against his
+legs, he gained the sanctuary of the waiting-room and booking-office,
+which was lighted by a dim expiring lamp, and scrutinized the face of
+the murky clock....
+
+With a sob of relief he saw that he was in time. He was, indeed, in
+exceptionally good time, for he had a quarter of an hour to wait. An
+anxious internal debate followed as to whether or not he should take a
+return ticket. Optimism, that is to say, the hope that he would return
+to Tilling in peace and safety before the six months for which the
+ticket was available inclined him to the larger expense, but in these
+disquieting circumstances, it was difficult to be optimistic and he
+purchased a first-class single, for on such a morning, and on such a
+journey, he must get what comfort he could from looking-glasses, padded
+seats and coloured photographs of places of interest on the line. He
+formed no vision at all of the future: that was a dark well into which
+it was dangerous to peer. There was no bright speck in its unplumbable
+depths: unless Major Flint died suddenly without revealing the
+challenge he had sent last night, and the promptitude with which its
+recipient had disappeared rather than face his pistol, he could not
+frame any grouping of events which would make it possible for him to
+come back to Tilling again, for he would either have to fight (and this
+he was quite determined not to do) or be pointed at by the finger of
+scorn as the man who had refused to do so, and this was nearly as
+unthinkable as the other. Bitterly he blamed himself for having made a
+friend (and worse than that, an enemy) of one so obsolete and
+old-fashioned as to bring duelling into modern life.... As far as he
+could be glad of anything he was glad that he had taken a single, not a
+return ticket.
+
+He turned his eyes away from the blackness of the future and let his
+mind dwell on the hardly less murky past. Then, throwing up his hands,
+he buried his face in them with a hollow groan. By some miserable
+forgetfulness he had left the challenge on his chimney-piece, where his
+housemaid would undoubtedly find and read it. That would explain his
+absence far better than the telegraphic instructions he had left on his
+table. There was no time to go back for it now, even if he could have
+faced the risk of being seen by the Major, and in an hour or two the
+whole story, via Withers, Janet, etc., would be all over Tilling.
+
+It was no use then thinking of the future nor of the past, and in order
+to anchor himself to the world at all and preserve his sanity he had to
+confine himself to the present. The minutes, long though each tarried,
+were slipping away and provided his train was punctual, the passage of
+five more of these laggards would see him safe. The news-boy took down
+the shutters of his stall, a porter quenched the expiring lamp, and
+Puffin began to listen for the rumble of the approaching train. It
+stayed three minutes here: if up to time it would be in before a couple
+more minutes had passed.
+
+There came from the station-yard outside the sound of heavy footsteps
+running. Some early traveller like himself was afraid of missing the
+train. The door burst open, and, streaming with rain and panting for
+breath, Major Flint stood at the entry. Puffin looked wildly round to
+see whether he could escape, still perhaps unobserved, on to the
+platform, but it was too late, for their eyes met.
+
+In that instant of abject terror, two things struck Puffin. One was that
+the Major looked at the open door behind him as if meditating retreat,
+the second that he carried a Gladstone bag. Simultaneously Major Flint
+spoke, if indeed that reverberating thunder of scornful indignation can
+be called speech.
+
+"Ha! I guessed right then," he roared. "I guessed, sir, that you might
+be meditating flight, and I--in fact, I came down to see whether you
+were running away. I was right. You are a coward, Captain Puffin! But
+relieve your mind, sir. Major Flint will not demean himself to fight
+with a coward."
+
+Puffin gave one long sigh of relief, and then, standing in front of his
+own Gladstone bag, in order to conceal it, burst into a cackling laugh.
+
+"Indeed!" he said. "And why, Major, was it necessary for you to pack a
+Gladstone bag in order to stop me from running away? I'll tell you what
+has happened. You were running away, and you know it. I guessed you
+would. I came to stop you, you, you quaking runaway. Your wound troubled
+you, hey? Didn't want another, hey?"
+
+There was an awful pause, broken by the entry from behind the Major of
+the outside porter, panting under the weight of a large portmanteau.
+
+"You had to take your portmanteau, too," observed Puffin witheringly,
+"in order to stop me. That's a curious way of stopping me. You're a
+coward, sir! But go home. You're safe enough. This will be a fine story
+for tea-parties."
+
+Puffin turned from him in scorn, still concealing his own bag.
+Unfortunately the flap of his coat caught it, precariously perched on
+the bench, and it bumped to the ground.
+
+"What's that?" said Major Flint.
+
+They stared at each other for a moment and then simultaneously burst
+into peals of laughter. The train rumbled slowly into the station, but
+neither took the least notice of it, and only shook their heads and
+broke out again when the station-master urged them to take their seats.
+The only thing that had power to restore Captain Puffin to gravity was
+the difficulty of getting the money for his ticket refunded, while the
+departure of the train with his portmanteau in it did the same for the
+Major.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The events of that night and morning, as may easily be imagined, soon
+supplied Tilling with one of the most remarkable conundrums that had
+ever been forced upon its notice. Puffin's housemaid, during his absence
+at the station, found and read not only the notice intended for her
+eyes, but the challenge which he had left on the chimney-piece. She
+conceived it to be her duty to take it down to Mrs. Gashly, his cook,
+and while they were putting the bloodiest construction on these
+inscriptions, their conference was interrupted by the return of Captain
+Puffin in the highest spirits, who, after a vain search for the
+challenge, was quite content, as its purport was no longer fraught with
+danger and death, to suppose that he had torn it up. Mrs. Gashly,
+therefore, after preparing breakfast at this unusually early hour, went
+across to the back door of the Major's house, with the challenge in her
+hand, to borrow a nutmeg grater, and gleaned the information that Mrs.
+Dominic's employer (for master he could not be called) had gone off in a
+great hurry to the station early that morning with a Gladstone bag and a
+portmanteau, the latter of which had been seen no more, though the Major
+had returned. So Mrs. Gashly produced the challenge, and having watched
+Miss Mapp off to the High Street at half-past ten, Dominic and Gashly
+went together to her house, to see if Withers could supply anything of
+importance, or, if not, a nutmeg grater. They were forced to be content
+with the grater, but pored over the challenge with Withers, and she
+having an errand to Diva's house, told Janet, who without further
+ceremony bounded upstairs to tell her mistress. Hardly had Diva heard,
+than she plunged into the High Street, and, with suitable additions,
+told Miss Mapp, Evie, Irene and the Padre under promise in each case, of
+the strictest secrecy. Ten minutes later Irene had asked the defenceless
+Mr. Hopkins, who was being Adam again, what he knew about it, and Evie,
+with her mouse-like gait that looked so rapid and was so deliberate, had
+the mortification of seeing Miss Mapp outdistance her and be admitted
+into the Poppits' house, just as she came in view of the front-door. She
+rightly conjectured that, after the affair of the store-cupboard in the
+garden-room, there could be nothing of lesser importance than "the duel"
+which could take that lady through those abhorred portals. Finally, at
+ten minutes past eleven, Major Flint and Captain Puffin were seen by one
+or two fortunate people (the morning having cleared up) walking together
+to the tram, and, without exception, everybody knew that they were on
+their way to fight their duel in some remote hollow of the sand-dunes.
+
+Miss Mapp had gone straight home from her visit to the Poppits just
+about eleven, and stationed herself in the window where she could keep
+an eye on the houses of the duellists. In her anxiety to outstrip Evie
+and be the first to tell the Poppits, she had not waited to hear that
+they had both come back and knew only of the challenge and that they had
+gone to the station. She had already formed a glorious idea of her own
+as to what the history of the duel (past or future) was, and intoxicated
+with emotion had retired from the wordy fray to think about it, and, as
+already mentioned, to keep an eye on the two houses just below. Then
+there appeared in sight the Padre, walking swiftly up the hill, and she
+had barely time under cover of the curtain to regain the table where her
+sweet chrysanthemums were pining for water when Withers announced him.
+He wore a furrowed brow and quite forgot to speak either Scotch or
+Elizabethan English. A few rapid words made it clear that they both had
+heard the main outlines.
+
+"A terrible situation," said the Padre. "Duelling is direct
+contravention of all Christian principles, and, I believe, of the civil
+law. The discharge of a pistol, in unskilful hands, may lead to
+deplorable results. And Major Flint, so one has heard, is an experienced
+duellist.... That, of course, makes it even more dangerous."
+
+It was at this identical moment that Major Flint came out of his house
+and qui-hied cheerily to Puffin. Miss Mapp and the Padre, deep in these
+bloody possibilities, neither saw nor heard them. They passed together
+down the road and into the High Street, unconscious that their very look
+and action was being more commented on than the Epistle to the Hebrews.
+Inside the garden-room Miss Mapp sighed, and bent her eyes on her
+chrysanthemums.
+
+"Quite terrible!" she said. "And in our peaceful, tranquil Tilling!"
+
+"Perhaps the duel has already taken place, and--and they've missed,"
+said the Padre. "They were both seen to return to their houses early
+this morning."
+
+"By whom?" asked Miss Mapp jealously. She had not heard that.
+
+"By Hopkins," said he. "Hopkins saw them both return."
+
+"I shouldn't trust that man too much," said Miss Mapp. "Hopkins may not
+be telling the truth. I have no great opinion of his moral standard."
+
+"Why is that?"
+
+This was no time to discuss the nudity of Hopkins and Miss Mapp put the
+question aside.
+
+"That does not matter now, dear Padre," she said. "I only wish I thought
+the duel had taken place without accident. But Major Benjy's--I mean
+Major Flint's--portmanteau has not come back to his house. Of that I'm
+sure. What if they have sent it away to some place where they are
+unknown, full of pistols and things?"
+
+"Possible--terribly possible," said the Padre. "I wish I could see my
+duty clear. I should not hesitate to--well, to do the best I could to
+induce them to abandon this murderous project. And what do you imagine
+was the root of the quarrel?"
+
+"I couldn't say, I'm sure," said Miss Mapp. She bent her head over the
+chrysanthemums.
+
+"Your distracting sex," said he with a moment's gallantry, "is usually
+the cause of quarrel. I've noticed that they both seemed to admire Miss
+Irene very much."
+
+Miss Mapp raised her head and spoke with great animation.
+
+"Dear, quaint Irene, I'm sure, has nothing whatever to do with it," she
+said with perfect truth. "Nothing whatever!"
+
+There was no mistaking the sincerity of this, and the Padre, Tillingite
+to the marrow, instantly concluded that Miss Mapp knew what (or who) was
+the cause of all this unique disturbance. And as she bent her head again
+over the chrysanthemums, and quite distinctly grew brick-red in the
+face, he felt that delicacy prevented his inquiring any further.
+
+"What are you going to do, dear Padre?" she asked in a low voice,
+choking with emotion. "Whatever you decide will be wise and Christian.
+Oh, these violent men! Such babies, too!"
+
+The Padre was bursting with curiosity, but since his delicacy forbade
+him to ask any of the questions which effervesced like sherbet round his
+tongue, he propounded another plan.
+
+"I think my duty is to go straight to the Major," he said, "who seems to
+be the principal in the affair, and tell him that I know all--and guess
+the rest," he added.
+
+"Nothing that I have said," declared Miss Mapp in great confusion, "must
+have anything to do with your guesses. Promise me that, Padre."
+
+This intimate and fruitful conversation was interrupted by the sound of
+two pairs of steps just outside, and before Withers had had time to say
+"Mrs. Plaistow," Diva burst in.
+
+"They have both taken the 11.20 tram," she said, and sank into the
+nearest chair.
+
+"Together?" asked Miss Mapp, feeling a sudden chill of disappointment
+at the thought of a duel with pistols trailing off into one with golf
+clubs.
+
+"Yes, but that's a blind," panted Diva. "They were talking and laughing
+together. Sheer blind! Duel among the sand-dunes!"
+
+"Padre, it is your duty to stop it," said Miss Mapp faintly.
+
+"But if the pistols are in a portmanteau----" he began.
+
+"What portmanteau?" screamed Diva, who hadn't heard about that.
+
+"Darling, I'll tell you presently," said Miss Mapp. "That was only a
+guess of mine, Padre. But there's no time to lose."
+
+"But there's no tram to catch," said the Padre. "It has gone by this
+time."
+
+"A taxi then, Padre! Oh, lose no time!"
+
+"Are you coming with me?" he said in a low voice. "Your presence----"
+
+"Better not," she said. "It might---- Better not," she repeated.
+
+He skipped down the steps and was observed running down the street.
+
+"What about the portmanteau?" asked the greedy Diva.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It was with strong misgivings that the Padre started on his Christian
+errand, and had not the sense of adventure spiced it, he would probably
+have returned to his sermon instead, which was Christian, too. To begin
+with, there was the ruinous expense of taking a taxi out to the
+golf-links, but by no other means could he hope to arrive in time to
+avert an encounter that might be fatal. It must be said to his credit
+that, though this was an errand distinctly due to his position as the
+spiritual head of Tilling, he rejected, as soon as it occurred to him,
+the idea of charging the hire of the taxi to Church Expenses, and as he
+whirled along the flat road across the marsh, the thing that chiefly
+buoyed up his drooping spirits and annealed his courage was the romantic
+nature of his mission. He no longer, thanks to what Miss Mapp had so
+clearly refrained from saying, had the slightest doubt that she, in some
+manner that scarcely needed conjecture, was the cause of the duel he was
+attempting to avert. For years it had been a matter of unwearied and
+confidential discussion as to whether and when she would marry either
+Major Flint or Captain Puffin, and it was superfluous to look for any
+other explanation. It was true that she, in popular parlance, was
+"getting on," but so, too, and at exactly the same rate, were the
+representatives of the United Services, and the sooner that two out of
+the three of them "got on" permanently, the better. No doubt some crisis
+had arisen, and inflamed with love.... He intended to confide all this
+to his wife on his return.
+
+On his return! The unspoken words made his heart sink. What if he never
+did return? For he was about to place himself in a position of no common
+danger. His plan was to drive past the club-house, and then on foot,
+after discharging the taxi, to strike directly into the line of tumbled
+sand-dunes which, remote and undisturbed and full of large convenient
+hollows, stretched along the coast above the flat beach. Any of those
+hollows, he knew, might prove to contain the duellists in the very act
+of firing, and over the rim of each he had to pop his unprotected head.
+He (if in time) would have to separate the combatants, and who knew
+whether, in their very natural chagrin at being interrupted, they might
+not turn their combined pistols on him first, and settle with each
+other afterwards? One murder the more made little difference to
+desperate men. Other shocks, less deadly but extremely unnerving, might
+await him. He might be too late, and pop his head over the edge of one
+of these craters, only to discover it full of bleeding if not mangled
+bodies. Or there might be only one mangled body, and the other,
+unmangled, would pursue him through the sand-dunes and offer him life at
+the price of silence. That, he painfully reflected, would be a very
+difficult decision to make. Luckily, Captain Puffin (if he proved to be
+the survivor) was lame....
+
+With drawn face and agonized prayers on his lips, he began a systematic
+search of the sand-dunes. Often his nerve nearly failed him, and he
+would sink panting among the prickly bents before he dared to peer into
+the hollow up the sides of which he had climbed. His ears shuddered at
+the anticipation of hearing from near at hand the report of pistols, and
+once a back-fire from a motor passing along the road caused him to leap
+high in the air. The sides of these dunes were steep, and his shoes got
+so full of sand, that from time to time, in spite of the urgency of his
+errand, he was forced to pause in order to empty them out. He stumbled
+in rabbit holes, he caught his foot and once his trousers in strands of
+barbed wire, the remnant of coast defences in the Great War, he crashed
+among potsherds and abandoned kettles; but with a thoroughness that did
+equal credit to his wind and his Christian spirit, he searched a mile of
+perilous dunes from end to end, and peered into every important hollow.
+Two hours later, jaded and torn and streaming with perspiration, he
+came, in the vicinity of the club-house, to the end of his fruitless
+search.
+
+He staggered round the corner of it and came in view of the eighteenth
+green. Two figures were occupying it, and one of these was in the act of
+putting. He missed. Then he saw who the figures were: it was Captain
+Puffin who had just missed his putt, it was Major Flint who now
+expressed elated sympathy.
+
+"Bad luck, old boy," he said. "Well, a jolly good match and we halve it.
+Why, there's the Padre. Been for a walk? Join us in a round this
+afternoon, Padre! Blow your sermon!"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VI
+
+
+The same delightful prospect at the end of the High Street, over the
+marsh, which had witnessed not so long ago the final encounter in the
+Wars of the Roses and the subsequent armistice, was, of course, found to
+be peculiarly attractive that morning to those who knew (and who did
+not?) that the combatants had left by the 11.20 steam-tram to fight
+among the sand-dunes, and that the intrepid Padre had rushed after them
+in a taxi. The Padre's taxi had returned empty, and the driver seemed to
+know nothing whatever about anything, so the only thing for everybody to
+do was to put off lunch and wait for the arrival of the next tram, which
+occurred at 1.37. In consequence, all the doors in Tilling flew open
+like those of cuckoo clocks at ten minutes before that hour, and this
+pleasant promenade was full of those who so keenly admired autumn tints.
+
+From here the progress of the tram across the plain was in full view;
+so, too, was the shed-like station across the river, which was the
+terminus of the line, and expectation, when the two-waggoned little
+train approached the end of its journey, was so tense that it was
+almost disagreeable. A couple of hours had elapsed since, like the
+fishers who sailed away into the West and were seen no more till the
+corpses lay out on the shining sand, the three had left for the
+sand-dunes, and a couple of hours, so reasoned the Cosmic Consciousness
+of Tilling, gave ample time for a duel to be fought, if the Padre was
+not in time to stop it, and for him to stop it if he was. No surgical
+assistance, as far as was known, had been summoned, but the reason for
+that might easily be that a surgeon's skill was no longer, alas! of any
+avail for one, if not both, of the combatants. But if such was the case,
+it was nice to hope that the Padre had been in time to supply spiritual
+aid to anyone whom first-aid and probes were powerless to succour.
+
+The variety of _denouements_ which the approaching tram, that had now
+cut off steam, was capable of providing was positively bewildering. They
+whirled through Miss Mapp's head like the autumn leaves which she
+admired so much, and she tried in vain to catch them all, and, when
+caught, to tick them off on her fingers. Each, moreover, furnished
+diverse and legitimate conclusions. For instance (taking the thumb)
+
+  I. If nobody of the slightest importance arrived by the tram, that
+     might be because
+
+     (_a_) Nothing had happened, and they were all playing golf.
+
+     (_b_) The worst had happened, and, as the Padre had feared, the
+           duellists had first shot him and then each other.
+
+     (_c_) The next worst had happened, and the Padre was arranging for
+           the reverent removal of the corpse of
+
+           (i) Major Benjy, or
+
+           (ii) Captain Puffin, or those of
+
+           (iii) Both.
+
+Miss Mapp let go of her thumb and lightly touched her forefinger.
+
+  II. The Padre might arrive alone.
+
+In that case anything or nothing might have happened to either or both
+of the others, and the various contingencies hanging on this arrival
+were so numerous that there was not time to sort them out.
+
+  III. The Padre might arrive with two limping figures whom he assisted.
+
+Here it must not be forgotten that Captain Puffin always limped, and the
+Major occasionally. Miss Mapp did not forget it.
+
+  IV. The Padre might arrive with a stretcher. Query--Whose?
+
+  V.  The Padre might arrive with two stretchers.
+
+  VI. Three stretchers might arrive from the shining sands, at the town
+      where the women were weeping and wringing their hands.
+
+In that case Miss Mapp saw herself busily employed in strengthening poor
+Evie, who now was running about like a mouse from group to group picking
+up crumbs of Cosmic Consciousness.
+
+Miss Mapp had got as far as sixthly, though she was aware she had not
+exhausted the possibilities, when the tram stopped. She furtively took
+out from her pocket (she had focussed them before she put them in) the
+opera-glasses through which she had watched the station-yard on a day
+which had been very much less exciting than this. After one glance she
+put them back again, feeling vexed and disappointed with herself, for
+the _denouement_ which they had so unerringly disclosed was one that
+had not entered her mind at all. In that moment she had seen that out of
+the tram there stepped three figures and no stretcher. One figure, it is
+true, limped, but in a manner so natural, that she scorned to draw any
+deductions from that halting gait. They proceeded, side by side, across
+the bridge over the river towards the town.
+
+It is no use denying that the Cosmic Consciousness of the ladies of
+Tilling was aware of a disagreeable anti-climax to so many hopes and
+fears. It had, of course, hoped for the best, but it had not expected
+that the best would be quite as bad as this. The best, to put it
+frankly, would have been a bandaged arm, or something of that kind.
+There was still room for the more hardened optimist to hope that
+something of some sort had occurred, or that something of some sort had
+been averted, and that the whole affair was not, in the delicious new
+slang phrase of the Padre's, which was spreading like wildfire through
+Tilling, a "wash-out." Pistols might have been innocuously discharged
+for all that was known to the contrary. But it looked bad.
+
+Miss Mapp was the first to recover from the blow, and took Diva's podgy
+hand.
+
+"Diva, darling," she said, "I feel so deeply thankful. What a wonderful
+and beautiful end to all our anxiety!"
+
+There was a subconscious regret with regard to the anxiety. The anxiety
+was, so to speak, a dear and beloved departed.... And Diva did not feel
+so sure that the end was so beautiful and wonderful. Her grandfather,
+Miss Mapp had reason to know, had been a butcher, and probably some
+inherited indifference to slaughter lurked in her tainted blood.
+
+"There's the portmanteau still," she said hopefully. "Pistols in the
+portmanteau. Your idea, Elizabeth."
+
+"Yes, dear," said Elizabeth; "but thank God I must have been very wrong
+about the portmanteau. The outside-porter told me that he brought it up
+from the station to Major Benjy's house half an hour ago. Fancy your not
+knowing that! I feel sure he is a truthful man, for he attends the
+Padre's confirmation class. If there had been pistols in it, Major Benjy
+and Captain Puffin would have gone away too. I am quite happy about that
+now. It went away and it has come back. That's all about the
+portmanteau."
+
+She paused a moment.
+
+"But what does it contain, then?" she said quickly, more as if she was
+thinking aloud than talking to Diva. "Why did Major Benjy pack it and
+send it to the station this morning? Where has it come back from? Why
+did it go there?"
+
+She felt that she was saying too much, and pressed her hand to her head.
+
+"Has all this happened this morning?" she said. "What a full morning,
+dear! Lovely autumn leaves! I shall go home and have my lunch and rest.
+Au reservoir, Diva."
+
+Miss Mapp's eternal reservoirs had begun to get on Diva's nerves, and as
+she lingered here a moment more a great idea occurred to her, which
+temporarily banished the disappointment about the duellists. Elizabeth,
+as all the world knew, had accumulated a great reservoir of provisions
+in the false book-case in her garden-room, and Diva determined that, if
+she could think of a neat phrase, the very next time Elizabeth said _au
+reservoir_ to her, she would work in an allusion to Elizabeth's own
+reservoir of corned beef, tongue, flour, bovril, dried apricots and
+condensed milk. She would have to frame some stinging rejoinder which
+would "escape her" when next Elizabeth used that stale old phrase: it
+would have to be short, swift and spontaneous, and therefore required
+careful thought. It would be good to bring "pop" into it also. "Your
+reservoir in the garden-room hasn't gone 'pop' again, I hope, darling?"
+was the first draft that occurred to her, but that was not sufficiently
+condensed. "Pop goes the reservoir," on the analogy of the weasel, was
+better. And, better than either, was there not some sort of corn called
+pop-corn, which Americans ate?... "Have you any pop-corn in your
+reservoir?" That would be a nasty one....
+
+But it all required thinking over, and the sight of the Padre and the
+duellists crossing the field below, as she still lingered on this
+escarpment of the hill, brought the duel back to her mind. It would have
+been considered inquisitive even at Tilling to put direct questions to
+the combatants, and (still hoping for the best) ask them point-blank
+"Who won?" or something of that sort; but until she arrived at some sort
+of information, the excruciating pangs of curiosity that must be endured
+could be likened only to some acute toothache of the mind with no
+dentist to stop or remove the source of the trouble. Elizabeth had
+already succumbed to these pangs of surmise and excitement, and had
+frankly gone home to rest, and her absence, the fact that for the next
+hour or two she could not, except by some extraordinary feat on the
+telephone, get hold of anything which would throw light on the whole
+prodigious situation, inflamed Diva's brain to the highest pitch of
+inventiveness. She knew that she was Elizabeth's inferior in point of
+reconstructive imagination, and the present moment, while the other was
+recuperating her energies for fresh assaults on the unknown, was Diva's
+opportunity. The one person who might be presumed to know more than
+anybody else was the Padre, but while he was with the duellists, it was
+as impossible to ask him what had happened as to ask the duellists who
+had won. She must, while Miss Mapp rested, get hold of the Padre without
+the duellists.
+
+Even as Athene sprang full grown and panoplied from the brain of Zeus,
+so from Diva's brain there sprang her plan complete. She even resisted
+the temptation to go on admiring autumn tints, in order to see how the
+interesting trio "looked" when, as they must presently do, they passed
+close to where she stood, and hurried home, pausing only to purchase,
+pay for, and carry away with her from the provision shop a large and
+expensively-dressed crab, a dainty of which the Padre was inordinately
+fond. Ruinous as this was, there was a note of triumph in her voice
+when, on arrival, she called loudly for Janet, and told her to lay
+another place at the luncheon table. Then putting a strong constraint on
+herself, she waited three minutes by her watch, in order to give the
+Padre time to get home, and then rang him up and reminded him that he
+had promised to lunch with her that day. It was no use asking him to
+lunch in such a way that he might refuse: she employed without remorse
+this pitiless _force majeure_.
+
+The engagement was short and brisk. He pleaded that not even now could
+he remember even having been asked (which was not surprising), and said
+that he and wee wifie had begun lunch. On which Diva unmasked her last
+gun, and told him that she had ordered a crab on purpose. That silenced
+further argument, and he said that he and wee wifie would be round in a
+jiffy, and rang off. She did not particularly want wee wifie, but there
+was enough crab.
+
+Diva felt that she had never laid out four shillings to better purpose,
+when, a quarter of an hour later, the Padre gave her the full account of
+his fruitless search among the sand-dunes, so deeply impressive was his
+sense of being buoyed up to that incredibly fatiguing and perilous
+excursion by some Power outside himself. It never even occurred to her
+to think that it was an elaborate practical joke on the part of the
+Power outside himself, to spur him on to such immense exertions to no
+purpose at all. He had only got as far as this over his interrupted
+lunch with wee wifie, and though she, too, was in agonized suspense as
+to what happened next, she bore the repetition with great equanimity,
+only making small mouse-like noises of impatience which nobody heard. He
+was quite forgetting to speak either Scotch or Elizabethan English, so
+obvious was the absorption of his hearers, without these added aids to
+command attention.
+
+"And then I came round the corner of the club-house," he said, "and
+there were Captain Puffin and the Major finishing their match on the
+eighteenth hole."
+
+"Then there's been no duel at all," said Diva, scraping the shell of the
+crab.
+
+"I feel sure of it. There wouldn't have been time for a duel and a round
+of golf, in addition to the impossibility of playing golf immediately
+after a duel. No nerves could stand it. Besides, I asked one of their
+caddies. They had come straight from the tram to the club-house, and
+from the club-house to the first tee. They had not been alone for a
+moment."
+
+"Wash-out," said Diva, wondering whether this had been worth four
+shillings, so tame was the conclusion.
+
+Mrs. Bartlett gave a little squeak which was her preliminary to speech.
+
+"But I do not see why there may not be a duel yet, Kenneth," she said.
+"Because they did not fight this morning--excellent crab, dear Diva, so
+good of you to ask us--there's no reason why there shouldn't be a duel
+this afternoon. O dear me, and cold beef as well: I shall be quite
+stuffed. Depend upon it a man doesn't take the trouble to write a
+challenge and all that, unless he means business."
+
+The Padre held up his hand. He felt that he was gradually growing to be
+the hero of the whole affair. He had certainly looked over the edge of
+numberless hollows in the sand-dunes with vivid anticipations of having
+a bullet whizz by him on each separate occasion. It behoved him to take
+a sublime line.
+
+"My dear," he said, "business is hardly a word to apply to murder. That
+within the last twenty-four hours there was the intention of fighting a
+duel, I don't deny. But something has decidedly happened which has
+averted that deplorable calamity. Peace and reconciliation is the result
+of it, and I have never seen two men so unaffectedly friendly."
+
+Diva got up and whirled round the table to get the port for the Padre,
+so pleased was she at a fresh idea coming to her while still dear
+Elizabeth was resting. She attributed it to the crab.
+
+"We've all been on a false scent," she said. "Peace and reconciliation
+happened before they went out to the sand-dunes at all. It happened at
+the station. They met at the station, you know. It is proved that Major
+Flint went there. Major wouldn't send portmanteau off alone. And it's
+proved that Captain Puffin went there too, because the note which his
+housemaid found on the table before she saw the challenge from the
+Major, which was on the chimney-piece, said that he had been called away
+very suddenly. No: they both went to catch the early train in order to
+go away before they could be stopped, and kill each other. But why
+didn't they go? What happened? Don't suppose the outside porter showed
+them how wicked they were, confirmation-class or no confirmation-class.
+Stumps me. Almost wish Elizabeth was here. She's good at guessing."
+
+The Padre's eye brightened. Reaction after the perils of the morning,
+crab and port combined to make a man of him.
+
+"Eh, 'tis a bonny wee drappie of port whatever, Mistress Plaistow," he
+said. "And I dinna ken that ye're far wrang in jaloosing that Mistress
+Mapp might have a wee bitty word to say aboot it a', 'gin she had the
+mind."
+
+"She was wrong about the portmanteau," said Diva. "Confessed she was
+wrong."
+
+"Hoots! I'm not mindin' the bit pochmantie," said the Padre.
+
+"What else does she know?" asked Diva feverishly.
+
+There was no doubt that the Padre had the fullest attention of the two
+ladies again, and there was no need to talk Scotch any more.
+
+"Begin at the beginning," he said. "What do we suppose was the cause of
+the quarrel?"
+
+"Anything," said Diva. "Golf, tiger-skins, coal-strike, summer-time."
+
+He shook his head.
+
+"I grant you words may pass on such subjects," he said. "We feel keenly,
+I know, about summer-time in Tilling, though we shall all be reconciled
+over that next Sunday, when real time, God's time, as I am venturing to
+call it in my sermon, comes in again."
+
+Diva had to bite her tongue to prevent herself bolting off on this new
+scent. After all, she had invested in crab to learn about duelling, not
+about summer-time.
+
+"Well?" she said.
+
+"We may have had words on that subject," said the Padre, booming as if
+he was in the pulpit already, "but we should, I hope, none of us go so
+far as to catch the earliest train with pistols, in defence of our
+conviction about summer-time. No, Mrs. Plaistow, if you are right, and
+there is something to be said for your view, in thinking that they both
+went to such lengths as to be in time for the early train, in order to
+fight a duel undisturbed, you must look for a more solid cause than
+that."
+
+Diva vainly racked her brains to think of anything more worthy of the
+highest pitches of emotion than this. If it had been she and Miss Mapp
+who had been embroiled, hoarding and dress would have occurred to her.
+But as it was, no one in his senses could dream that the Captain and the
+Major were sartorial rivals, unless they had quarrelled over the
+question as to which of them wore the snuffiest old clothes.
+
+"Give it up," she said. "What did they quarrel about?"
+
+"Passion!" said the Padre, in those full, deep tones in which next
+Sunday he would allude to God's time. "I do not mean anger, but the
+flame that exalts man to heaven or--or does exactly the opposite!"
+
+"But whomever for?" asked Diva, quite thrown off her bearings. Such a
+thing had never occurred to her, for, as far as she was aware, passion,
+except in the sense of temper, did not exist in Tilling. Tilling was
+far too respectable.
+
+The Padre considered this a moment.
+
+"I am betraying no confidence," he said, "because no one has confided in
+me. But there certainly is a lady in this town--I do not allude to Miss
+Irene--who has long enjoyed the Major's particular esteem. May not some
+deprecating remark----"
+
+Wee wifie gave a much louder squeal than usual.
+
+"He means poor Elizabeth," she said in a high, tremulous voice. "Fancy,
+Kenneth!"
+
+Diva, a few seconds before, had seen no reason why the Padre should
+drink the rest of her port, and was now in the act of drinking some of
+that unusual beverage herself. She tried to swallow it, but it was too
+late, and next moment all the openings in her face were fountains of
+that delicious wine. She choked and she gurgled, until the last drop had
+left her windpipe--under the persuasion of pattings on the back from the
+others--and then she gave herself up to loud, hoarse laughter, through
+which there shrilled the staccato squeaks of wee wifie. Nothing, even if
+you are being laughed at yourself, is so infectious as prolonged
+laughter, and the Padre felt himself forced to join it. When one of them
+got a little better, a relapse ensued by reason of infection from the
+others, and it was not till exhaustion set in, that this triple volcano
+became quiescent again.
+
+"Only fancy!" said Evie faintly. "How did such an idea get into your
+head, Kenneth?"
+
+His voice shook as he answered.
+
+"Well, we were all a little worked up this morning," he said. "The
+idea--really, I don't know what we have all been laughing at----"
+
+"I do," said Diva. "Go on. About the idea----"
+
+A feminine, a diabolical inspiration flared within wee wifie's mind.
+
+"Elizabeth suggested it herself," she squealed.
+
+Naturally Diva could not help remembering that she had found Miss Mapp
+and the Padre in earnest conversation together when she forced her way
+in that morning with the news that the duellists had left by the 11.20
+tram. Nobody could be expected to have so short a memory as to have
+forgotten _that_. Just now she forgave Elizabeth for anything she had
+ever done. That might have to be reconsidered afterwards, but at present
+it was valid enough.
+
+"Did she suggest it?" she asked.
+
+The Padre behaved like a man, and lied like Ananias.
+
+"Most emphatically she did not," he said.
+
+The disappointment would have been severe, had the two ladies believed
+this confident assertion, and Diva pictured a delightful interview with
+Elizabeth, in which she would suddenly tell her the wild surmise the
+Padre had made with regard to the cause of the duel, and see how she
+looked then. Just see how she looked then: that was
+all--self-consciousness and guilt would fly their colours....
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Miss Mapp had been tempted when she went home that morning, after
+enjoying the autumn tints, to ask Diva to lunch with her, but remembered
+in time that she had told her cook to broach one of the tins of
+corned-beef which no human wizard could coax into the store-cupboard
+again, if he shut the door after it. Diva would have been sure to say
+something acid and allusive, to remark on its excellence being happily
+not wasted on the poor people in the hospital, or, if she had not said
+anything at all about it, her silence as she ate a great deal would have
+had a sharp flavour. But Miss Mapp would have liked, especially when she
+went to take her rest afterwards on the big sofa in the garden-room, to
+have had somebody to talk to, for her brain seethed with conjectures as
+to what had happened, was happening and would happen, and discussion was
+the best method of simplifying a problem, of narrowing it down to the
+limits of probability, whereas when she was alone now with her own
+imaginings, the most fantastic of them seemed plausible. She had,
+however, handed a glorious suggestion to the Padre, the one, that is,
+which concerned the cause of the duel, and it had been highly
+satisfactory to observe the sympathy and respect with which he had
+imbibed it. She had, too, been so discreet about it; she had not come
+within measurable distance of asserting that the challenge had been in
+any way connected with her. She had only been very emphatic on the point
+of its not being connected with poor dear Irene, and then occupied
+herself with her sweet flowers. That had been sufficient, and she felt
+in her bones and marrow that he inferred what she had meant him to
+infer....
+
+The vulture of surmise ceased to peck at her for a few moments as she
+considered this, and followed up a thread of gold.... Though the Padre
+would surely be discreet, she hoped that he would "let slip" to dear
+Evie in the course of the vivid conversation they would be sure to have
+over lunch, that he had a good guess as to the cause which had led to
+that savage challenge. Upon which dear Evie would be certain to ply him
+with direct squeaks and questions, and when she "got hot" (as in animal,
+vegetable and mineral) his reticence would lead her to make a good
+guess too. She might be incredulous, but there the idea would be in her
+mind, while if she felt that these stirring days were no time for
+scepticism, she could hardly fail to be interested and touched. Before
+long (how soon Miss Mapp was happily not aware) she would "pop in" to
+see Diva, or Diva would "pop in" to see her, and, Evie observing a
+discretion similar to that of the Padre and herself, would soon enable
+dear Diva to make a good guess too. After that, all would be well, for
+dear Diva ("such a gossiping darling") would undoubtedly tell everybody
+in Tilling, under vows of secrecy (so that she should have the pleasure
+of telling everybody herself) just what her good guess was. Thus, very
+presently, all Tilling would know exactly that which Miss Mapp had not
+said to the dear Padre, namely, that the duel which had been fought (or
+which hadn't been fought) was "all about" her. And the best of it was,
+that though everybody knew, it would still be a great and beautiful
+secret, reposing inviolably in every breast or chest, as the case might
+be. She had no anxiety about anybody asking direct questions of the
+duellists, for if duelling, for years past, had been a subject which no
+delicately-minded person alluded to purposely in Major Benjy's presence,
+how much more now after this critical morning would that subject be
+taboo? That certainly was a good thing, for the duellists if closely
+questioned might have a different explanation, and it would be highly
+inconvenient to have two contradictory stories going about. But, as it
+was, nothing could be nicer: the whole of the rest of Tilling, under
+promise of secrecy, would know, and even if under further promises of
+secrecy they communicated their secret to each other, there would be no
+harm done....
+
+After this excursion into Elysian fields, poor Miss Mapp had to get
+back to her vulture again, and the hour's rest that she had felt was due
+to herself as the heroine of a duel became a period of extraordinary
+cerebral activity. Puzzle as she might, she could make nothing whatever
+of the portmanteau and the excursion to the early train, and she got up
+long before her hour was over, since she found that the more she
+thought, the more invincible were the objections to any conclusion that
+she drowningly grasped at. Whatever attack she made on this mystery, the
+garrison failed to march out and surrender but kept their flag flying,
+and her conjectures were woefully blasted by the forces of the most
+elementary reasons. But as the agony of suspense, if no fresh topic of
+interest intervened, would be frankly unendurable, she determined to
+concentrate no more on it, but rather to commit it to the ice-house or
+safe of her subconscious mind, from which at will, when she felt
+refreshed and reinvigorated, she could unlock it and examine it again.
+The whole problem was more superlatively baffling than any that she
+could remember having encountered in all these inquisitive years, just
+as the subject of it was more majestic than any, for it concerned not
+hoarding, nor visits of the Prince of Wales, nor poppy-trimmed gowns,
+but life and death and firing of deadly pistols. And should love be
+added to this august list? Certainly not by her, though Tilling might do
+what it liked. In fact Tilling always did.
+
+She walked across to the bow-window from which she had conducted so many
+exciting and successful investigations. But to-day the view seemed as
+stale and unprofitable as the world appeared to Hamlet, even though Mrs.
+Poppit at that moment went waddling down the street and disappeared
+round the corner where the dentist and Mr. Wyse lived. With a sense of
+fatigue Miss Mapp recalled the fact that she had seen the housemaid
+cleaning Mr. Wyse's windows yesterday--("Children dear, was it
+yesterday?")--and had noted her industry, and drawn from it the
+irresistible conclusion that Mr. Wyse was probably expected home. He
+usually came back about mid-October, and let slip allusions to his
+enjoyable visits in Scotland and his _villeggiatura_ (so he was pleased
+to express it) with his sister the Contessa di Faraglione at Capri. That
+Contessa Faraglione was rather a mythical personage to Miss Mapp's mind:
+she was certainly not in a mediaeval copy of "Who's Who?" which was the
+only accessible handbook in matters relating to noble and notable
+personages, and though Miss Mapp would not have taken an oath that she
+did not exist, she saw no strong reason for supposing that she did.
+Certainly she had never been to Tilling, which was strange as her
+brother lived there, and there was nothing but her brother's allusions
+to certify her. About Mrs. Poppit now: had she gone to see Mr. Wyse or
+had she gone to the dentist? One or other it must be, for apart from
+them that particular street contained nobody who counted, and at the
+bottom it simply conducted you out into the uneventful country. Mrs.
+Poppit was all dressed up, and she would never walk in the country in
+such a costume. It would do either for Mr. Wyse or the dentist, for she
+was the sort of woman who would like to appear grand in the dentist's
+chair, so that he might be shy of hurting such a fine lady. Then again,
+Mrs. Poppit had wonderful teeth, almost too good to be true, and before
+now she had asked who lived at that pretty little house just round the
+corner, as if to show that she didn't know where the dentist lived! Or
+had she found out by some underhand means that Mr. Wyse had come back,
+and had gone to call on him and give him the first news of the duel,
+and talk to him about Scotland? Very likely they had neither of them
+been to Scotland at all: they conspired to say that they had been to
+Scotland and stayed at shooting-lodges (keepers' lodges more likely) in
+order to impress Tilling with their magnificence....
+
+Miss Mapp sat down on the central-heating pipes in her window, and fell
+into one of her reconstructive musings. Partly, if Mr. Wyse was back, it
+was well just to run over his record; partly she wanted to divert her
+mind from the two houses just below, that of Major Benjy on the one side
+and that of Captain Puffin on the other, which contained the key to the
+great, insoluble mystery, from conjecture as to which she wanted to
+obtain relief. Mr. Wyse, anyhow, would serve as a mild opiate, for she
+had never lost an angry interest in him. Though he was for eight months
+of the year, or thereabouts, in Tilling, he was never, for a single
+hour, _of_ Tilling. He did not exactly invest himself with an air of
+condescension and superiority--Miss Mapp did him that justice--but he
+made other people invest him with it, so that it came to the same thing:
+he was invested. He did not drag the fact of his sister being the
+Contessa Faraglione into conversation, but if talk turned on sisters,
+and he was asked about his, he confessed to her nobility. The same
+phenomenon appeared when the innocent county of Hampshire was mentioned,
+for it turned out that he knew the county well, being one of the Wyses
+of Whitchurch. You couldn't say he talked about it, but he made other
+people talk about it.... He was quite impervious to satire on such
+points, for when, goaded to madness, Miss Mapp had once said that she
+was one of the Mapps of Maidstone, he had merely bowed and said: "A very
+old family, I believe," and when the conversation branched off on to
+old families he had rather pointedly said "we" to Miss Mapp. So poor
+Miss Mapp was sorry she had been satirical.... But for some reason,
+Tilling never ceased to play up to Mr. Wyse, and there was not a
+tea-party or a bridge-party given during the whole period of his
+residence there to which he was not invited. Hostesses always started
+with him, sending him round a note with "To await answer," written in
+the top left-hand corner, since he had clearly stated that he considered
+the telephone an undignified instrument only fit to be used for
+household purposes, and had installed his in the kitchen, in the manner
+of the Wyses of Whitchurch. That alone, apart from Mr. Wyse's
+old-fashioned notions on the subject, made telephoning impossible, for
+your summons was usually answered by his cook, who instantly began
+scolding the butcher irrespective and disrespectful of whom you were.
+When her mistake was made known to her, she never apologized, but
+grudgingly said she would call Mr. Figgis, who was Mr. Wyse's valet. Mr.
+Figgis always took a long time in coming, and when he came he sneezed or
+did something disagreeable and said: "Yes, yes; what is it?" in a very
+testy manner. After explanations he would consent to tell his master,
+which took another long time, and even then Mr. Wyse did not come
+himself, and usually refused the proffered invitation. Miss Mapp had
+tried the expedient of sending Withers to the telephone when she wanted
+to get at Mr. Wyse, but this had not succeeded, for Withers and Mr.
+Wyse's cook quarrelled so violently before they got to business that Mr.
+Figgis had to calm the cook and Withers to complain to Miss Mapp....
+This, in brief, was the general reason why Tilling sent notes to Mr.
+Wyse. As for chatting through the telephone, which was the main use of
+telephones, the thing was quite out of the question.
+
+Miss Mapp revived a little as she made this piercing analysis of Mr.
+Wyse, and the warmth of the central heating pipes, on this baffling day
+of autumn tints, was comforting.... No one could say that Mr. Wyse was
+not punctilious in matters of social etiquette, for though he refused
+three-quarters of the invitations which were showered on him, he
+invariably returned the compliment by an autograph note hoping that he
+might have the pleasure of entertaining you at lunch on Thursday next,
+for he always gave a small luncheon-party on Thursday. These invitations
+were couched in Chesterfield-terms: Mr. Wyse said that he had met a
+mutual friend just now who had informed him that you were in residence,
+and had encouraged him to hope that you might give him the pleasure of
+your company, etc. This was alluring diction: it presented the image of
+Mr. Wyse stepping briskly home again, quite heartened up by this chance
+encounter, and no longer the prey to melancholy at the thought that you
+might not give him the joy. He was encouraged to hope.... These polite
+expressions were traced in a neat upright hand on paper which, when he
+had just come back from Italy, often bore a coronet on the top with
+"Villa Faraglione, Capri" printed on the right-hand top corner and
+"Amelia" (the name of his putative sister) in sprawling gilt on the
+left, the whole being lightly erased. Of course he was quite right to
+filch a few sheets, but it threw rather a lurid light on his character
+that they should be such grand ones.
+
+Last year only, in a fit of passion at Mr. Wyse having refused six
+invitations running on the plea of other engagements, Miss Mapp had
+headed a movement, the object of which was that Tilling should not
+accept any of Mr. Wyse's invitations unless he accepted its. This had
+met with theoretical sympathy; the Bartletts, Diva, Irene, the Poppits
+had all agreed--rather absently--that it would be a very proper thing to
+do, but the very next Thursday they had all, including the originator,
+met on Mr. Wyse's doorstep for a luncheon-party, and the movement then
+and there collapsed. Though they all protested and rebelled against such
+a notion, the horrid fact remained that everybody basked in Mr. Wyse's
+effulgence whenever it was disposed to shed itself on them. Much as they
+distrusted the information they dragged out of him, they adored hearing
+about the Villa Faraglione, and dressed themselves in their very best
+clothes to do so. Then again there was the quality of the lunch itself:
+often there was caviare, and it was impossible (though the interrogator
+who asked whether it came from Twemlow's feared the worst) not to be
+mildly excited to know, when Mr. Wyse referred the question to Figgis,
+that the caviare had arrived from Odessa that morning. The haunch of
+roe-deer came from Perthshire; the wine, on the subject of which the
+Major could not be silent, and which often made him extremely talkative,
+was from "my brother-in-law's vineyard." And Mr. Wyse would taste it
+with the air of a connoisseur and say: "Not quite as good as last year:
+I must tell the Cont---- I mean my sister."
+
+Again when Mr. Wyse did condescend to honour a tea-party or a
+bridge-party, Tilling writhed under the consciousness that their general
+deportment was quite different from that which they ordinarily practised
+among themselves. There was never any squabbling at Mr. Wyse's table,
+and such squabbling as took place at the other tables was conducted in
+low hissings and whispers, so that Mr. Wyse should not hear. Diva never
+haggled over her gains or losses when he was there, the Padre never
+talked Scotch or Elizabethan English. Evie never squeaked like a mouse,
+no shrill recriminations or stately sarcasms took place between
+partners, and if there happened to be a little disagreement about the
+rules, Mr. Wyse's decision, though he was not a better player than any
+of them, was accepted without a murmur. At intervals for refreshment, in
+the same way, Diva no longer filled her mouth and both hands with
+nougat-chocolate; there was no scrambling or jostling, but the ladies
+were waited on by the gentlemen, who then refreshed themselves. And yet
+Mr. Wyse in no way asserted himself, or reduced them all to politeness
+by talking about the polished manners of Italians; it was Tilling itself
+which chose to behave in this unusual manner in his presence. Sometimes
+Diva might forget herself for a moment, and address something withering
+to her partner, but the partner never replied in suitable terms, and
+Diva became honey-mouthed again. It was, indeed, if Mr. Wyse had
+appeared at two or three parties, rather a relief not to find him at the
+next, and breathe freely in less rarefied air. But whether he came or
+not he always returned the invitation by one to a Thursday
+luncheon-party, and thus the high circles of Tilling met every week at
+his house.
+
+Miss Mapp came to the end of this brief retrospect, and determined, when
+once it was proved that Mr. Wyse had arrived, to ask him to tea on
+Tuesday. That would mean lunch with him on Thursday, and it was
+unnecessary to ask anybody else unless Mr. Wyse accepted. If he refused,
+there would be no tea-party.... But, after the events of the last
+twenty-four hours, there was no vividness in these plans and
+reminiscences, and her eye turned to the profile of the Colonel's house.
+
+"The portmanteau," she said to herself.... No: she must take her mind
+off that subject. She would go for a walk, not into the High Street, but
+into the quiet level country, away from the turmoil of passion (in the
+Padre's sense) and quarrels (in her own), where she could cool her
+curiosity and her soul with contemplation of the swallows and the white
+butterflies (if they had not all been killed by the touch of frost last
+night) and the autumn tints of which there were none whatever in the
+treeless marsh.... Decidedly the shortest way out of the town was that
+which led past Mr. Wyse's house. But before leaving the garden-room she
+practised several faces at the looking-glass opposite the door, which
+should suitably express, if she met anybody to whom the cause of the
+challenge was likely to have spread, the bewildering emotion which the
+unwilling cause of it must feel. There must be a wistful wonder, there
+must be a certain pride, there must be the remains of romantic
+excitement, and there must be deep womanly anxiety. The carriage of the
+head "did" the pride, the wide-open eyes "did" the wistful wonder and
+the romance, the deep womanly anxiety lurked in the tremulous smile, and
+a violent rubbing of the cheeks produced the colour of excitement. In
+answer to any impertinent questions, if she encountered such, she meant
+to give an absent answer, as if she had not understood. Thus equipped
+she set forth.
+
+It was rather disappointing to meet nobody, but as she passed Mr. Wyse's
+bow-window she adjusted the chrysanthemums she wore, and she had a good
+sight of his profile and the back of Mrs. Poppit's head. They appeared
+deep in conversation, and Miss Mapp felt that the tiresome woman was
+probably giving him a very incomplete account of what had happened. She
+returned late for tea, and broke off her apologies to Withers for being
+such a trouble because she saw a note on the hall table. There was a
+coronet on the back of the envelope, and it was addressed in the neat,
+punctilious hand which so well expressed its writer. Villa Faraglione,
+Capri, a coronet and Amelia all lightly crossed out headed the page, and
+she read:
+
+     "DEAR MISS MAPP,
+
+     "It is such a pleasure to find myself in our little Tilling again,
+     and our mutual friend Mrs. Poppit, M.B.E., tells me you are in
+     residence, and encourages me to hope that I may induce you to take
+     _dejeuner_ with me on Thursday, at one o'clock. May I assure you,
+     with all delicacy, that you will not meet here anyone whose
+     presence could cause you the slightest embarrassment?
+
+     "Pray excuse this hasty note. Figgis will wait for your answer if
+     you are in.
+
+                                                 "Yours very sincerely,
+
+                                                       "ALGERNON WYSE."
+
+Had not Withers been present, who might have misconstrued her action,
+Miss Mapp would have kissed the note; failing that, she forgave Mrs.
+Poppit for being an M.B.E.
+
+"The dear woman!" she said. "She has heard, and has told him."
+
+Of course she need not ask Mr. Wyse to tea now....
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VII
+
+
+A white frost on three nights running and a terrible blackening of
+dahlias, whose reputation was quite gone by morning, would probably have
+convinced the ladies of Tilling that it was time to put summer clothing
+in camphor and winter clothing in the back-yard to get aired, even if
+the Padre had not preached that remarkable sermon on Sunday. It was so
+remarkable that Miss Mapp quite forgot to note grammatical lapses and
+listened entranced.
+
+The text was, "He made summer and winter," and after repeating the words
+very impressively, so that there might be no mistake about the origin of
+the seasons, the Padre began to talk about something quite
+different--namely, the unhappy divisions which exist in Christian
+communities. That did not deceive Miss Mapp for a moment: she saw
+precisely what he was getting at over his oratorical fences. He got at
+it....
+
+Ever since Summer-time had been inaugurated a few years before, it had
+been one of the chronic dissensions of Tilling. Miss Mapp, Diva and the
+Padre flatly refused to recognize it, except when they were going by
+train or tram, when principle must necessarily go to the wall, or they
+would never have succeeded in getting anywhere, while Miss Mapp, with
+the halo of martyrdom round her head, had once arrived at a Summer-time
+party an hour late, in order to bear witness to the truth, and, in
+consequence, had got only dregs of tea and the last faint strawberry.
+But the Major and Captain Puffin used the tram so often, that they had
+fallen into the degrading habit of dislocating their clocks and watches
+on the first of May, and dislocating them again in the autumn, when they
+were forced into uniformity with properly-minded people. Irene was
+flippant on the subject, and said that any old time would do for her.
+The Poppits followed convention, and Mrs. Poppit, in naming the hour for
+a party to the stalwarts, wrote "4.30 (your 3.30)." The King, after
+all, had invited her to be decorated at a particular hour, summer-time,
+and what was good enough for the King was good enough for Mrs. Poppit.
+
+The sermon was quite uncompromising. There was summer and winter, by
+Divine ordinance, but there was nothing said about summer-time and
+winter-time. There was but one Time, and even as Life only stained the
+white radiance of eternity, as the gifted but, alas! infidel poet
+remarked, so, too, did Time. But ephemeral as Time was, noon in the
+Bible clearly meant twelve o'clock, and not one o'clock: towards even,
+meant towards even, and not the middle of a broiling afternoon. The
+sixth hour similarly was the Roman way of saying twelve. Winter-time, in
+fact, was God's time, and though there was nothing wicked (far from it)
+in adopting strange measures, yet the simple, the childlike, clung to
+the sacred tradition, which they had received from their fathers and
+forefathers at their mother's knee. Then followed a long and eloquent
+passage, which recapitulated the opening about unhappy divisions, and
+contained several phrases, regarding the lengths to which such divisions
+might go, which were strikingly applicable to duelling. The peroration
+recapitulated the recapitulation, in case anyone had missed it, and the
+coda, the close itself, in the full noon of the winter sun, was full of
+joy at the healing of all such unhappy divisions. And now.... The rain
+rattling against the windows drowned the Doxology.
+
+The doctrine was so much to her mind that Miss Mapp gave a shilling to
+the offertory instead of her usual sixpence, to be devoted to the
+organist and choir fund. The Padre, it is true, had changed the hour of
+services to suit the heresy of the majority, and this for a moment made
+her hand falter. But the hope, after this convincing sermon, that next
+year morning service would be at the hour falsely called twelve decided
+her not to withdraw this handsome contribution.
+
+Frosts and dead dahlias and sermons then were together overwhelmingly
+convincing, and when Miss Mapp went out on Monday morning to do her
+shopping, she wore a tweed skirt and jacket, and round her neck a long
+woollen scarf to mark the end of the summer. Mrs. Poppit, alone in her
+disgusting ostentation, had seemed to think two days ago that it was
+cold enough for furs, and she presented a truly ridiculous aspect in an
+enormous sable coat, under the weight of which she could hardly stagger,
+and stood rooted to the spot when she stepped out of the Royce. Brisk
+walking and large woollen scarves saved the others from feeling the cold
+and from being unable to move, and this morning the High Street was
+dazzling with the shifting play of bright colours. There was quite a
+group of scarves at the corner, where Miss Mapp's street debouched into
+the High Street: Irene was there (for it was probably too cold for Mr.
+Hopkins that morning), looking quainter than ever in corduroys and mauve
+stockings with an immense orange scarf bordered with pink. Diva was
+there, wound up in so delicious a combination of rose-madder and
+Cambridge blue, that Miss Mapp, remembering the history of the
+rose-madder, had to remind herself how many things there were in the
+world more important than worsted. Evie was there in vivid green with a
+purple border, the Padre had a knitted magenta waistcoat, and Mrs.
+Poppit that great sable coat which almost prevented movement. They were
+all talking together in a very animated manner when first Miss Mapp came
+in sight, and if, on her approach, conversation seemed to wither, they
+all wore, besides their scarves, very broad, pleasant smiles. Miss Mapp
+had a smile, too, as good as anybody's.
+
+"Good morning, all you dear things," she said. "How lovely you all
+look--just like a bed of delicious flowers! Such nice colours! My poor
+dahlias are all dead."
+
+Quaint Irene uttered a hoarse laugh, and, swinging her basket, went
+quickly away. She often did abrupt things like that. Miss Mapp turned to
+the Padre.
+
+"Dear Padre, what a delicious sermon!" she said. "So glad you preached
+it! Such a warning against all sorts of divisions!"
+
+The Padre had to compose his face before he responded to these
+compliments.
+
+"I'm reecht glad, fair lady," he replied, "that my bit discourse was to
+your mind. Come, wee wifie, we must be stepping."
+
+Quite suddenly all the group, with the exception of Mrs. Poppit, melted
+away. Wee wifie gave a loud squeal, as if to say something, but her
+husband led her firmly off, while Diva, with rapidly revolving feet,
+sped like an arrow up the centre of the High Street.
+
+"Such a lovely morning!" said Miss Mapp to Mrs. Poppit, when there was
+no one else to talk to. "And everyone looks so pleased and happy, and
+all in such a hurry, busy as bees, to do their little businesses. Yes."
+
+Mrs. Poppit began to move quietly away with the deliberate,
+tortoise-like progression necessitated by the fur coat. It struck Miss
+Mapp that she, too, had intended to take part in the general breaking up
+of the group, but had merely been unable to get under way as fast as the
+others.
+
+"Such a lovely fur coat," said Miss Mapp sycophantically. "Such
+beautiful long fur! And what is the news this morning? Has a little bird
+been whispering anything?"
+
+"Nothing," said Mrs. Poppit very decidedly, and having now sufficient
+way on to turn, she went up the street down which Miss Mapp had just
+come. The latter was thus left all alone with her shopping basket and
+her scarf.
+
+With the unerring divination which was the natural fruit of so many
+years of ceaseless conjecture, she instantly suspected the worst. All
+that busy conversation which her appearance had interrupted, all those
+smiles which her presence had seemed but to render broader and more
+hilarious, certainly concerned her. They could not still have been
+talking about that fatal explosion from the cupboard in the garden-room,
+because the duel had completely silenced the last echoes of that, and
+she instantly put her finger on the spot. Somebody had been gossiping
+(and how she hated gossip); somebody had given voice to what she had
+been so studiously careful not to say. Until that moment, when she had
+seen the rapid breaking up of the group of her friends all radiant with
+merriment, she had longed to be aware that somebody had given voice to
+it, and that everybody (under seal of secrecy) knew the unique
+queenliness of her position, the overwhelmingly interesting role that
+the violent passions of men had cast her for. She had not believed in
+the truth of it herself, when that irresistible seizure of coquetry took
+possession of her as she bent over her sweet chrysanthemums; but the
+Padre's respectful reception of it had caused her to hope that everybody
+else might believe in it. The character of the smiles, however, that
+wreathed the faces of her friends did not quite seem to give fruition to
+that hope. There were smiles and smiles, respectful smiles, sympathetic
+smiles, envious and admiring smiles, but there were also smiles of
+hilarious and mocking incredulity. She concluded that she had to deal
+with the latter variety.
+
+"Something," thought Miss Mapp, as she stood quite alone in the High
+Street, with Mrs. Poppit labouring up the hill, and Diva already a
+rose-madder speck in the distance, "has got to be done," and it only
+remained to settle what. Fury with the dear Padre for having hinted
+precisely what she meant, intended and designed that he should hint, was
+perhaps the paramount emotion in her mind; fury with everybody else for
+not respectfully believing what she did not believe herself made an
+important pendant.
+
+"What am I to do?" said Miss Mapp aloud, and had to explain to Mr.
+Hopkins, who had all his clothes on, that she had not spoken to him.
+Then she caught sight again of Mrs. Poppit's sable coat hardly further
+off than it had been when first this thunderclap of an intuition
+deafened her, and still reeling from the shock, she remembered that it
+was almost certainly Mrs. Poppit who was the cause of Mr. Wyse writing
+her that exquisitely delicate note with regard to Thursday. It was a
+herculean task, no doubt, to plug up all the fountains of talk in
+Tilling which were spouting so merrily at her expense, but a beginning
+must be made before she could arrive at the end. A short scurry of
+nimble steps brought her up to the sables.
+
+"Dear Mrs. Poppit," she said, "if you are walking by my little house,
+would you give me two minutes' talk? And--so stupid of me to forget just
+now--will you come in after dinner on Wednesday for a little rubber? The
+days are closing in now; one wants to make the most of the daylight, and
+I think it is time to begin our pleasant little winter evenings."
+
+This was a bribe, and Mrs. Poppit instantly pocketed it, with the
+effect that two minutes later she was in the garden-room, and had
+deposited her sable coat on the sofa ("Quite shook the room with the
+weight of it," said Miss Mapp to herself while she arranged her plan).
+
+She stood looking out of the window for a moment, writhing with
+humiliation at having to be suppliant to the Member of the British
+Empire. She tried to remember Mrs. Poppit's Christian name, and was even
+prepared to use that, but this crowning ignominy was saved her, as she
+could not recollect it.
+
+"Such an annoying thing has happened," she said, though the words seemed
+to blister her lips. "And you, dear Mrs. Poppit, as a woman of the
+world, can advise me what to do. The fact is that somehow or other, and
+I can't think how, people are saying that the duel last week, which was
+so happily averted, had something to do with poor little me. So absurd!
+But you know what gossips we have in our dear little Tilling."
+
+Mrs. Poppit turned on her a fallen and disappointed face.
+
+"But hadn't it?" she said. "Why, when they were all laughing about it
+just now" ("I was right, then," thought Miss Mapp, "and what a tactless
+woman!"), "I said I believed it. And I told Mr. Wyse."
+
+Miss Mapp cursed herself for her frankness. But she could obliterate
+that again, and not lose a rare (goodness knew how rare!) believer.
+
+"I am in such a difficult position," she said. "I think I ought to let
+it be understood that there is no truth whatever in such an idea,
+however much truth there may be. And did dear Mr. Wyse believe--in fact,
+I know he must have, for he wrote me, oh, such a delicate, understanding
+note. He, at any rate, takes no notice of all that is being said and
+hinted."
+
+Miss Mapp was momentarily conscious that she meant precisely the
+opposite of this. Dear Mr. Wyse _did_ take notice, most respectful
+notice, of all that was being said and hinted, thank goodness! But a
+glance at Mrs. Poppit's fat and interested face showed her that the
+verbal discrepancy had gone unnoticed, and that the luscious flavour of
+romance drowned the perception of anything else. She drew a handkerchief
+out, and buried her thoughtful eyes in it a moment, rubbing them with a
+stealthy motion, which Mrs. Poppit did not perceive, though Diva would
+have.
+
+"My lips are sealed," she continued, opening them very wide, "and I can
+say nothing, except that I want this rumour to be contradicted. I
+daresay those who started it thought it was true, but, true or false, I
+must say nothing. I have always led a very quiet life in my little
+house, with my sweet flowers for my companions, and if there is one
+thing more than another that I dislike, it is that my private affairs
+should be made matters of public interest. I do no harm to anybody, I
+wish everybody well, and nothing--nothing will induce me to open my lips
+upon this subject. I will not," cried Miss Mapp, "say a word to defend
+or justify myself. What is true will prevail. It comes in the Bible."
+
+Mrs. Poppit was too much interested in what she said to mind where it
+came from.
+
+"What can I do?" she asked.
+
+"Contradict, dear, the rumour that I have had anything to do with the
+terrible thing which might have happened last week. Say on my authority
+that it is so. I tremble to think"--here she trembled very much--"what
+might happen if the report reached Major Benjy's ears, and he found out
+who had started it. We must have no more duels in Tilling. I thought I
+should never survive that morning."
+
+"I will go and tell Mr. Wyse instantly--dear," said Mrs. Poppit.
+
+That would never do. True believers were so scarce that it was wicked to
+think of unsettling their faith.
+
+"Poor Mr. Wyse!" said Miss Mapp with a magnanimous smile. "Do not think,
+dear, of troubling him with these little trumpery affairs. He will not
+take part in these little tittle-tattles. But if you could let dear Diva
+and quaint Irene and sweet Evie and the good Padre know that I laugh at
+all such nonsense----"
+
+"But they laugh at it, too," said Mrs. Poppit.
+
+That would have been baffling for anyone who allowed herself to be
+baffled, but that was not Miss Mapp's way.
+
+"Oh, that bitter laughter!" she said. "It hurt me to hear it. It was
+envious laughter, dear, scoffing, bitter laughter. I heard! I cannot
+bear that the dear things should feel like that. Tell them that I say
+how silly they are to believe anything of the sort. Trust me, I am right
+about it. I wash my hands of such nonsense."
+
+She made a vivid dumb-show of this, and after drying them on an
+imaginary towel, let a sunny smile peep out the eyes which she had
+rubbed.
+
+"All gone!" she said; "and we will have a dear little party on Wednesday
+to show we are all friends again. And we meet for lunch at dear Mr.
+Wyse's the next day? Yes? He will get tired of poor little me if he sees
+me two days running, so I shall not ask him. I will just try to get two
+tables together, and nobody shall contradict dear Diva, however many
+shillings she says she has won. I would sooner pay them all myself than
+have any more of our unhappy divisions. You will have talked to them
+all before Wednesday, will you not, dear?"
+
+As there were only four to talk to, Mrs. Poppit thought that she could
+manage it, and spent a most interesting afternoon. For two years now she
+had tried to unfreeze Miss Mapp, who, when all was said and done, was
+the centre of the Tilling circle, and who, if any attempt was made to
+shove her out towards the circumference, always gravitated back again.
+And now, on these important errands she was Miss Mapp's accredited
+ambassador, and all the terrible business of the opening of the
+store-cupboard and her decoration as M.B.E. was quite forgiven and
+forgotten. There would be so much walking to be done from house to
+house, that it was impossible to wear her sable coat unless she had the
+Royce to take her about....
+
+The effect of her communications would have surprised anybody who did
+not know Tilling. A less subtle society, when assured from a first-hand,
+authoritative source that a report which it had entirely refused to
+believe was false, would have prided itself on its perspicacity, and
+said that it had laughed at such an idea, as soon as ever it heard it,
+as being palpably (look at Miss Mapp!) untrue. Not so Tilling. The very
+fact that, by the mouth of her ambassador, she so uncompromisingly
+denied it, was precisely why Tilling began to wonder if there was not
+something in it, and from wondering if there was not something in it,
+surged to the conclusion that there certainly was. Diva, for instance,
+the moment she was told that Elizabeth (for Mrs. Poppit remembered her
+Christian name perfectly) utterly and scornfully denied the truth of the
+report, became intensely thoughtful.
+
+"Say there's nothing in it?" she observed. "Can't understand that."
+
+At that moment Diva's telephone bell rang, and she hurried out and in.
+
+"Party at Elizabeth's on Wednesday," she said. "She saw me laughing. Why
+ask me?"
+
+Mrs. Poppit was full of her sacred mission.
+
+"To show how little she minds your laughing," she suggested.
+
+"As if it wasn't true, then. Seems like that. Wants us to think it's not
+true."
+
+"She was very earnest about it," said the ambassador.
+
+Diva got up, and tripped over the outlying skirts of Mrs. Poppit's fur
+coat as she went to ring the bell.
+
+"Sorry," she said. "Take it off and have a chat. Tea's coming. Muffins!"
+
+"Oh, no, thanks!" said Mrs. Poppit. "I've so many calls to make."
+
+"What? Similar calls?" asked Diva. "Wait ten minutes. Tea, Janet.
+Quickly."
+
+She whirled round the room once or twice, all corrugated with
+perplexity, beginning telegraphic sentences, and not finishing them:
+"Says it's not true--laughs at notion of--And Mr. Wyse believes--The
+Padre believed. After all, the Major--Little cock-sparrow Captain
+Puffin--Or t'other way round, do you think?--No other explanation, you
+know--Might have been blood----"
+
+She buried her teeth in a muffin.
+
+"Believe there's something in it," she summed up.
+
+She observed her guest had neither tea nor muffin.
+
+"Help yourself," she said. "Want to worry this out."
+
+"Elizabeth absolutely denies it," said Mrs. Poppit. "Her eyes were full
+of----"
+
+"Oh, anything," said Diva. "Rubbed them. Or pepper if it was at lunch.
+That's no evidence."
+
+"But her solemn assertion----" began Mrs. Poppit, thinking that she was
+being a complete failure as an ambassador. She was carrying no
+conviction at all.
+
+"Saccharine!" observed Diva, handing her a small phial. "Haven't got
+more than enough sugar for myself. I expect Elizabeth's got
+plenty--well, never mind that. Don't you see? If it wasn't true she
+would try to convince us that it was. Seemed absurd on the face of it.
+But if she tries to convince us that it isn't true--well, something in
+it."
+
+There was the gist of the matter, and Mrs. Poppit proceeding next to the
+Padre's house, found more muffins and incredulity. Nobody seemed to
+believe Elizabeth's assertion that there was "nothing in it." Evie ran
+round the room with excited squeaks, the Padre nodded his head, in
+confirmation of the opinion which, when he first delivered it, had been
+received with mocking incredulity over the crab. Quaint Irene, intent on
+Mr. Hopkins's left knee in the absence of the model, said, "Good old
+Mapp: better late than never." Utter incredulity, in fact, was the
+ambassador's welcome ... and all the incredulous were going to
+Elizabeth's party on Wednesday.
+
+Mrs. Poppit had sent the Royce home for the last of her calls, and
+staggered up the hill past Elizabeth's house. Oddly enough, just as she
+passed the garden-room, the window was thrown up.
+
+"Cup of tea, dear Susan?" said Elizabeth. She had found an old note of
+Mrs. Poppit's among the waste paper for the firing of the kitchen oven
+fully signed.
+
+"Just two minutes' talk, Elizabeth," she promptly responded.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The news that nobody in Tilling believed her left Miss Mapp more than
+calm, on the bright side of calm, that is to say. She had a few
+indulgent phrases that tripped readily off her tongue for the dear
+things who hated to be deprived of their gossip, but Susan certainly did
+not receive the impression that this playful magnanimity was attained
+with an effort. Elizabeth did not seem really to mind: she was very gay.
+Then, skilfully changing the subject, she mourned over her dead dahlias.
+
+Though Tilling with all its perspicacity could not have known it, the
+intuitive reader will certainly have perceived that Miss Mapp's party
+for Wednesday night had, so to speak, further irons in its fire. It had
+originally been a bribe to Susan Poppit, in order to induce her to
+spread broadcast that that ridiculous rumour (whoever had launched it)
+had been promptly denied by the person whom it most immediately
+concerned. It served a second purpose in showing that Miss Mapp was too
+high above the mire of scandal, however interesting, to know or care who
+might happen to be wallowing in it, and for this reason she asked
+everybody who had done so. Such loftiness of soul had earned her an
+amazing bonus, for it had induced those who sat in the seat of the
+scoffers before to come hastily off, and join the thin but unwavering
+ranks of the true believers, who up till then had consisted only of
+Susan and Mr. Wyse. Frankly, so blest a conclusion had never occurred to
+Miss Mapp: it was one of those unexpected rewards that fall like ripe
+plums into the lap of the upright. By denying a rumour she had got
+everybody to believe it, and when on Wednesday morning she went out to
+get the chocolate cakes which were so useful in allaying the appetites
+of guests, she encountered no broken conversations and gleeful smiles,
+but sidelong glances of respectful envy.
+
+But what Tilling did not and could not know was that this, the first of
+the autumn after-dinner bridge-parties, was destined to look on the
+famous teagown of kingfisher-blue, as designed for Mrs. Trout. No doubt
+other ladies would have hurried up their new gowns, or at least have
+camouflaged their old ones, in honour of the annual inauguration of
+evening bridge, but Miss Mapp had no misgivings about being outshone.
+And once again here she felt that luck waited on merit, for though when
+she dressed that evening she found she had not anticipated that
+artificial light would cast a somewhat pale (though not ghastly)
+reflection from the vibrant blue on to her features, similar in effect
+to (but not so marked as) the light that shines on the faces of those
+who lean over the burning brandy and raisins of "snapdragon," this
+interesting pallor seemed very aptly to bear witness to all that she had
+gone through. She did not look ill--she was satisfied as to that--she
+looked gorgeous and a little wan.
+
+The bridge tables were not set out in the garden-room, which entailed a
+scurry over damp gravel on a black, windy night, but in the little
+square parlour above her dining-room, where Withers, in the intervals of
+admitting her guests, was laying out plates of sandwiches and the
+chocolate cakes, reinforced when the interval for refreshments came with
+hot soup, whisky and syphons, and a jug of "cup" prepared according to
+an ancestral and economical recipe, which Miss Mapp had taken a great
+deal of trouble about. A single bottle of white wine, with suitable
+additions of ginger, nutmeg, herbs and soda-water, was the mother of a
+gallon of a drink that seemed aflame with fiery and probably spirituous
+ingredients. Guests were very careful how they partook of it, so
+stimulating it seemed.
+
+Miss Mapp was reading a book on gardening upside down (she had taken it
+up rather hurriedly) when the Poppits arrived, and sprang to her feet
+with a pretty cry at being so unexpectedly but delightfully disturbed.
+
+"Susan! Isabel!" she said. "Lovely of you to have come! I was reading
+about flowers, making plans for next year."
+
+She saw the four eyes riveted to her dress. Susan looked quite shabby in
+comparison, and Isabel did not look anything at all.
+
+"My dear, too lovely!" said Mrs. Poppit slowly.
+
+Miss Mapp looked brightly about, as if wondering what was too lovely: at
+last she guessed.
+
+"Oh, my new frock?" she said. "Do you like it, dear? How sweet of you.
+It's just a little nothing that I talked over with that nice Miss Greele
+in the High Street. We put our heads together, and invented something
+quite cheap and simple. And here's Evie and the dear Padre. So kind of
+you to look in."
+
+Four more eyes were riveted on it.
+
+"Enticed you out just once, Padre," went on Miss Mapp. "So sweet of you
+to spare an evening. And here's Major Benjy and Captain Puffin. Well,
+that is nice!"
+
+This was really tremendous of Miss Mapp. Here was she meeting without
+embarrassment or awkwardness the two, who if the duel had not been
+averted, would have risked their very lives over some dispute concerning
+her. Everybody else, naturally, was rather taken aback for the moment at
+this situation, so deeply dyed in the dramatic. Should either of the
+gladiators have heard that it was the Padre who undoubtedly had spread
+the rumour concerning their hostess, Mrs. Poppit was afraid that even
+his cloth might not protect him. But no such deplorable calamity
+occurred, and only four more eyes were riveted to the kingfisher-blue.
+
+"Upon my word," said the Major, "I never saw anything more beautiful
+than that gown, Miss Elizabeth. Straight from Paris, eh? Paris in every
+line of it."
+
+"Oh, Major Benjy," said Elizabeth. "You're all making fun of me and my
+simple little frock. I'm getting quite shy. Just a bit of old stuff that
+I had. But so nice of you to like it. I wonder where Diva is. We shall
+have to scold her for being late. Ah--she shan't be scolded. Diva,
+darl----"
+
+The endearing word froze on Miss Mapp's lips and she turned deadly
+white. In the doorway, in equal fury and dismay, stood Diva, dressed in
+precisely the same staggeringly lovely costume as her hostess. Had Diva
+and Miss Greele put their heads together too? Had Diva got a bit of old
+stuff ...?
+
+Miss Mapp pulled herself together first and moistened her dry lips.
+
+"So sweet of you to look in, dear," she said. "Shall we cut?"
+
+Naturally the malice of cards decreed that Miss Mapp and Diva should sit
+next each other as adversaries at the same table, and the combined
+effect of two lots of kingfisher-blue was blinding. Complete silence on
+every subject connected, however remotely, with dress was, of course,
+the only line for correct diplomacy to pursue, but then Major Benjy was
+not diplomatic, only gallant.
+
+"Never saw such stunning gowns, eh, Padre?" he said. "Dear me, they are
+very much alike too, aren't they? Pair of exquisite sisters."
+
+It would be hard to say which of the two found this speech the more
+provocative of rage, for while Diva was four years younger than Miss
+Mapp, Miss Mapp was four inches taller than Diva. She cut the cards to
+her sister with a hand that trembled so much that she had to do it
+again, and Diva could scarcely deal.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. Wyse frankly confessed the next day when, at one o'clock, Elizabeth
+found herself the first arrival at his house, that he had been very
+self-indulgent.
+
+"I have given myself a treat, dear Miss Mapp," he said. "I have asked
+three entrancing ladies to share my humble meal with me, and have
+provided--is it not shocking of me?--nobody else to meet them. Your
+pardon, dear lady, for my greediness."
+
+Now this was admirably done. Elizabeth knew very well why two out of the
+three men in Tilling had not been asked (very gratifying, that reason
+was), and with the true refinement of which Mr. Wyse was so amply
+possessed, where he was taking all the blame on himself, and putting it
+so prettily. She bestowed her widest smile on him.
+
+"Oh, Mr. Wyse," she said. "We shall all quarrel over you."
+
+Not until Miss Mapp had spoken did she perceive how subtle her words
+were. They seemed to bracket herself and Mr. Wyse together: all the men
+(two out of the three, at any rate) had been quarrelling over her, and
+now there seemed a very fair prospect of three of the women quarreling
+over Mr. Wyse....
+
+Without being in the least effeminate, Mr. Wyse this morning looked
+rather like a modern Troubadour. He had a velveteen coat on, a soft,
+fluffy, mushy tie which looked as if made of Shirley poppies, very neat
+knickerbockers, brown stockings with blobs, like the fruit of plane
+trees, dependent from elaborate "tops," and shoes with a cascade of
+leather frilling covering the laces. He might almost equally well be
+about to play golf over putting-holes on the lawn as the guitar. He made
+a gesture of polished, polite dissent, not contradicting, yet hardly
+accepting this tribute, remitting it perhaps, just as the King when he
+enters the City of London touches the sword of the Lord Mayor and tells
+him to keep it....
+
+"So pleasant to be in Tilling again," he said. "We shall have a cosy,
+busy winter, I hope. You, I know, Miss Mapp, are always busy."
+
+"The day is never long enough for me," said Elizabeth enthusiastically.
+"What with my household duties in the morning, and my garden, and our
+pleasant little gatherings, it is always bed-time too soon. I want to
+read a great deal this winter, too."
+
+Diva (at the sight of whom Elizabeth had to make a strong effort of
+self-control) here came in, together with Mrs. Poppit, and the party was
+complete. Elizabeth would have been willing to bet that, in spite of the
+warmness of the morning, Susan would have on her sable coat, and though,
+technically, she would have lost, she more than won morally, for Mr.
+Wyse's repeated speeches about his greediness were hardly out of his
+mouth when she discovered that she had left her handkerchief in the
+pocket of her sable coat, which she had put over the back of a
+conspicuous chair in the hall. Figgis, however, came in at the moment to
+say that lunch was ready, and she delayed them all very much by a long,
+ineffectual search for it, during which Figgis, with a visible effort,
+held up the sable coat, so that it was displayed to the utmost
+advantage. And then, only fancy, Susan discovered that it was in her
+sable muff all the time!
+
+All three ladies were on tenterhooks of anxiety as to who was to be
+placed on Mr. Wyse's right, who on his left, and who would be given only
+the place between two other women. But his tact was equal to anything.
+
+"Miss Mapp," he said, "will you honour me by taking the head of my table
+and be hostess for me? Only I must have that vase of flowers removed,
+Figgis; I can look at my flowers when Miss Mapp is not here. Now, what
+have we got for breakfast--lunch, I should say?"
+
+The macaroni which Mr. Wyse had brought back with him from Naples
+naturally led on to Italian subjects, and the general scepticism about
+the Contessa di Faraglione had a staggering blow dealt it.
+
+"My sister," began Mr. Wyse (and by a swift sucking motion, Diva drew
+into her mouth several serpents of dependent macaroni in order to be
+able to listen better without this agitating distraction), "my sister, I
+hope, will come to England this winter, and spend several weeks with
+me." (Sensation.)
+
+"And the Count?" asked Diva, having swallowed the serpents.
+
+"I fear not; Cecco--Francesco, you know--is a great stay-at-home. Amelia
+is looking forward very much to seeing Tilling. I shall insist on her
+making a long stay here, before she visits our relations at Whitchurch."
+
+Elizabeth found herself reserving judgment. She would believe in the
+Contessa Faraglione--no one more firmly--when she saw her, and had
+reasonable proofs of her identity.
+
+"Delightful!" she said, abandoning with regret the fruitless pursuit
+with a fork of the few last serpents that writhed on her plate. "What an
+addition to our society! We shall all do our best to spoil her, Mr.
+Wyse. When do you expect her?"
+
+"Early in December. You must be very kind to her, dear ladies. She is an
+insatiable bridge-player. She has heard much of the great players she
+will meet here."
+
+That decided Mrs. Poppit. She would join the correspondence class
+conducted by "Little Slam," in "Cosy Corner." Little Slam, for the sum
+of two guineas, payable in advance, engaged to make first-class players
+of anyone with normal intelligence. Diva's mind flew off to the subject
+of dress, and the thought of the awful tragedy concerning the tea-gown
+of kingfisher-blue, combined with the endive salad, gave a wry twist to
+her mouth for a moment.
+
+"I, as you know," continued Mr. Wyse, "am no hand at bridge."
+
+"Oh, Mr. Wyse, you play beautifully," interpolated Elizabeth.
+
+"Too flattering of you, Miss Mapp. But Amelia and Cecco do not agree
+with you. I am never allowed to play when I am at the Villa Faraglione,
+unless a table cannot be made up without me. But I shall look forward to
+seeing many well-contested games."
+
+The quails and the figs had come from Capri, and Miss Mapp, greedily
+devouring each in turn, was so much incensed by the information that she
+had elicited about them, that, though she joined in the general
+Lobgesang, she was tempted to inquire whether the ice had not been
+brought from the South Pole by some Antarctic expedition. Her mind was
+not, like poor Diva's, taken up with obstinate questionings about the
+kingfisher-blue tea-gown, for she had already determined what she was
+going to do about it. Naturally it was impossible to contemplate fresh
+encounters like that of last night, but another gown, crimson-lake, the
+colour of Mrs. Trout's toilet for the second evening of the Duke of
+Hampshire's visit, as Vogue informed her, had completely annihilated
+Newport with its splendour. She had already consulted Miss Greele about
+it, who said that if the kingfisher-blue was bleached first the dye of
+crimson-lake would be brilliant and pure.... The thought of that, and
+the fact that Miss Greele's lips were professionally sealed, made her
+able to take Diva's arm as they strolled about the garden afterwards.
+The way in which both Diva and Susan had made up to Mr. Wyse during
+lunch was really very shocking, though it did not surprise Miss Mapp,
+but she supposed their heads had been turned by the prospect of playing
+bridge with a countess. Luckily she expected nothing better of either of
+them, so their conduct was in no way a blow or a disappointment to her.
+
+This companionship with Diva was rather prolonged, for the adhesive
+Susan, staggering about in her sables, clung close to their host and
+simulated a clumsy interest in chrysanthemums; and whatever the other
+two did, manoeuvred herself into a strong position between them and Mr.
+Wyse, from which, operating on interior lines, she could cut off either
+assailant. More depressing yet (and throwing a sad new light on his
+character), Mr. Wyse seemed to appreciate rather than resent the
+appropriation of himself, and instead of making a sortie through the
+beleaguering sables, would beg Diva and Elizabeth, who were so fond of
+fuchsias and knew about them so well, to put their heads together over
+an afflicted bed of these flowers in quite another part of the garden,
+and tell him what was the best treatment for their anaemic condition.
+Pleasant and proper though it was to each of them that Mr. Wyse should
+pay so little attention to the other, it was bitter as the endive salad
+to both that he should tolerate, if not enjoy, the companionship which
+the forwardness of Susan forced on him, and while they absently stared
+at the fuchsias, the fire kindled, and Elizabeth spake with her tongue.
+
+"How very plain poor Susan looks to-day," she said. "Such a colour,
+though to be sure I attribute that more to what she ate and drank than
+to anything else. Crimson. Oh, those poor fuchsias! I think I should
+throw them away."
+
+The common antagonism, Diva felt, had drawn her and Elizabeth into the
+most cordial of understandings. For the moment she felt nothing but
+enthusiastic sympathy with Elizabeth, in spite of her kingfisher-blue
+gown.... What on earth, in parenthesis, was she to do with hers? She
+could not give it to Janet: it was impossible to contemplate the idea of
+Janet walking about the High Street in a tea-gown of kingfisher-blue
+just in order to thwart Elizabeth....
+
+"Mr. Wyse seems taken with her," said Diva. "How he can! Rather a snob.
+M.B.E. She's always popping in here. Saw her yesterday going round the
+corner of the street."
+
+"What time, dear?" asked Elizabeth, nosing the scent.
+
+"Middle of the morning."
+
+"And I saw her in the afternoon," said Elizabeth. "That great lumbering
+Rolls-Royce went tacking and skidding round the corner below my
+garden-room."
+
+"Was she in it?" asked Diva.
+
+This appeared rather a slur on Elizabeth's reliability in observation.
+
+"No, darling, she was sitting on the top," she said, taking the edge off
+the sarcasm, in case Diva had not intended to be critical, by a little
+laugh. Diva drew the conclusion that Elizabeth had actually seen her
+inside.
+
+"Think it's serious?" she said. "Think he'll marry her?"
+
+The idea of course, repellent and odious as it was, had occurred to
+Elizabeth, so she instantly denied it.
+
+"Oh, you busy little match-maker," she said brightly. "Such an idea
+never entered my head. You shouldn't make such fun of dear Susan. Come,
+dear, I can't look at fuchsias any more. I must be getting home and must
+say good-bye--au reservoir, rather--to Mr. Wyse, if Susan will allow me
+to get a word in edgeways."
+
+Susan seemed delighted to let Miss Mapp get this particular word in
+edgewise, and after a little speech from Mr. Wyse, in which he said that
+he would not dream of allowing them to go yet, and immediately
+afterwards shook hands warmly with them both, hoping that the reservoir
+would be a very small one, the two were forced to leave the artful Susan
+in possession of the field....
+
+It all looked rather black. Miss Mapp's vivid imagination altogether
+failed to picture what Tilling would be like if Susan succeeded in
+becoming Mrs. Wyse and the sister-in-law of a countess, and she sat down
+in her garden-room and closed her eyes for a moment, in order to
+concentrate her power of figuring the situation. What dreadful people
+these climbers were! How swiftly they swarmed up the social ladder with
+their Rolls-Royces and their red-currant fool, and their sables! A few
+weeks ago she herself had never asked Susan into her house, while the
+very first time she came she unloosed the sluices of the store-cupboard,
+and now, owing to the necessity of getting her aid in stopping that
+mischievous rumour, which she herself had been so careful to set on
+foot, regarding the cause of the duel, Miss Mapp had been positively
+obliged to flatter and to "Susan" her. And if Diva's awful surmise
+proved to be well-founded, Susan would be in a position to patronize
+them all, and talk about counts and countesses with the same air of
+unconcern as Mr. Wyse. She would be bidden to the Villa Faraglione, she
+would play bridge with Cecco and Amelia, she would visit the Wyses of
+Whitchurch....
+
+What was to be done? She might head another movement to put Mr. Wyse in
+his proper place; this, if successful, would have the agreeable result
+of pulling down Susan a rung or two should she carry out her design. But
+the failure of the last attempt and Mr. Wyse's eminence did not argue
+well for any further manoeuvre of the kind. Or should she poison Mr.
+Wyse's mind with regard to Susan?... Or was she herself causelessly
+agitated?
+
+Or----
+
+Curiosity rushed like a devastating tornado across Miss Mapp's mind,
+rooting up all other growths, buffeting her with the necessity of
+knowing what the two whom she had been forced to leave in the garden
+were doing now, and snatching up her opera-glasses she glided upstairs,
+and let herself out through the trap-door on to the roof. She did not
+remember if it was possible to see Mr. Wyse's garden or any part of it
+from that watch-tower, but there was a chance....
+
+Not a glimpse of it was visible. It lay quite hidden behind the
+red-brick wall which bounded it, and not a chrysanthemum or a fuchsia
+could she see. But her blood froze as, without putting the glasses down,
+she ran her eye over such part of the house-wall as rose above the
+obstruction. In his drawing-room window on the first floor were seated
+two figures. Susan had taken her sables off: it was as if she intended
+remaining there for ever, or at least for tea....
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII
+
+
+The hippopotamus quarrel over their whisky between Major Flint and
+Captain Puffin, which culminated in the challenge and all the shining
+sequel, had had the excellent effect of making the united services more
+united than ever. They both knew that, had they not severally run away
+from the encounter, and, so providentially, met at the station, very
+serious consequences might have ensued. Had not both but only one of
+them been averse from taking or risking life, the other would surely
+have remained in Tilling, and spread disastrous reports about the
+bravery of the refugee; while if neither of them had had scruples on the
+sacredness of human existence there might have been one if not two
+corpses lying on the shining sands. Naturally the fact that they both
+had taken the very earliest opportunity of averting an encounter by
+flight, made it improbable that any future quarrel would be proceeded
+with to violent extremes, but it was much safer to run no risks, and not
+let verbal disagreements rise to hippopotamus-pitch again. Consequently
+when there was any real danger of such savagery as was implied in
+sending challenges, they hastened, by mutual concessions, to climb down
+from these perilous places, where loss of balance might possibly occur.
+For which of them could be absolutely certain that next time the other
+of them might not be more courageous?...
+
+They were coming up from the tram-station one November evening, both
+fizzing and fuming a good deal, and the Major was extremely lame, lamer
+than Puffin. The rattle of the tram had made argument impossible during
+the transit from the links, but they had both in this enforced silence
+thought of several smart repartees, supposing that the other made the
+requisite remarks to call them out, and on arrival at the Tilling
+station they went on at precisely the same point at which they had
+broken off on starting from the station by the links.
+
+"Well, I hope I can take a beating in as English a spirit as anybody,"
+said the Major.
+
+This was lucky for Captain Puffin: he had thought it likely that he
+would say just that, and had got a stinger for him.
+
+"And it worries you to find that your hopes are doomed to
+disappointment," he swiftly said.
+
+Major Flint stepped in a puddle which cooled his foot but not his
+temper.
+
+"Most offensive remark," he said. "I wasn't called Sporting Benjy in the
+regiment for nothing. But never mind that. A worm-cast----"
+
+"It wasn't a worm-cast," said Puffin. "It was sheep's dung!"
+
+Luck had veered here: the Major had felt sure that Puffin would
+reiterate that utterly untrue contention.
+
+"I can't pretend to be such a specialist as you in those matters," he
+said, "but you must allow me sufficient power of observation to know a
+worm-cast when I see it. It was a worm-cast, sir, a cast of a worm, and
+you had no right to remove it. If you will do me the favour to consult
+the rules of golf----?"
+
+"Oh, I grant you that you are more a specialist in the rules of golf,
+Major, than in the practice of it," said Puffin brightly.
+
+Suddenly it struck Sporting Benjy that the red signals of danger danced
+before his eyes, and though the odious Puffin had scored twice to his
+once, he called up all his powers of self-control, for if his friend was
+anything like as exasperated as himself, the breeze of disagreement
+might develop into a hurricane. At the moment he was passing through a
+swing-gate which led to a short cut back to the town, but before he
+could take hold of himself he had slammed it back in his fury, hitting
+Puffin, who was following him, on the knee. Then he remembered he was a
+sporting Christian gentleman, and no duellist.
+
+"I'm sure I beg your pardon, my dear fellow," he said, with the utmost
+solicitude. "Uncommonly stupid of me. The gate flew out of my hand. I
+hope I didn't hurt you."
+
+Puffin had just come to the same conclusion as Major Flint: magnanimity
+was better than early trains, and ever so much better than bullets.
+Indeed there was no comparison....
+
+"Not hurt a bit, thank you, Major," he said, wincing with the shrewdness
+of the blow, silently cursing his friend for what he felt sure was no
+accident, and limping with both legs. "It didn't touch me. Ha! What a
+brilliant sunset. The town looks amazingly picturesque."
+
+"It does indeed," said the Major. "Fine subject for Miss Mapp."
+
+Puffin shuffled alongside.
+
+"There's still a lot of talk going on in the town," he said, "about that
+duel of ours. Those fairies of yours are all agog to know what it was
+about. I am sure they all think that there was a lady in the case. Just
+like the vanity of the sex. If two men have a quarrel, they think it
+must be because of their silly faces."
+
+Ordinarily the Major's gallantry would have resented this view, but the
+reconciliation with Puffin was too recent to risk just at present.
+
+"Poor little devils," he said. "It makes an excitement for them. I
+wonder who they think it is. It would puzzle me to name a woman in
+Tilling worth catching an early train for."
+
+"There are several who'd be surprised to hear you say that, Major," said
+Puffin archly.
+
+"Well, well," said the other, strutting and swelling, and walking
+without a sign of lameness....
+
+They had come to where their houses stood opposite each other on the
+steep cobbled street, fronted at its top end by Miss Mapp's garden-room.
+She happened to be standing in the window, and the Major made a great
+flourish of his cap, and laid his hand on his heart.
+
+"And there's one of them," said Puffin, as Miss Mapp acknowledged these
+florid salutations with a wave of her hand, and tripped away from the
+window.
+
+"Poking your fun at me," said the Major. "Perhaps she was the cause of
+our quarrel, hey? Well, I'll step across, shall I, about half-past nine,
+and bring my diaries with me?"
+
+"I'll expect you. You'll find me at my Roman roads."
+
+The humour of this joke never staled, and they parted with hoots and
+guffaws of laughter.
+
+It must not be supposed that duelling, puzzles over the portmanteau, or
+the machinations of Susan had put out of Miss Mapp's head her amiable
+interest in the hour at which Major Benjy went to bed. For some time she
+had been content to believe, on direct information from him, that he
+went to bed early and worked at his diaries on alternate evenings, but
+maturer consideration had led her to wonder whether he was being quite
+as truthful as a gallant soldier should be. For though (on alternate
+evenings) his house would be quite dark by half-past nine, it was not
+for twelve hours or more afterwards that he could be heard qui-hi-ing
+for his breakfast, and unless he was in some incipient stage of
+sleeping-sickness, such hours provided more than ample slumber for a
+growing child, and might be considered excessive for a middle-aged man.
+She had a mass of evidence to show that on the other set of alternate
+nights his diaries (which must, in parenthesis, be of extraordinary
+fullness) occupied him into the small hours, and to go to bed at
+half-past nine on one night and after one o'clock on the next implied a
+complicated kind of regularity which cried aloud for elucidation. If he
+had only breakfasted early on the mornings after he had gone to bed
+early, she might have allowed herself to be weakly credulous, but he
+never qui-hied earlier than half-past nine, and she could not but think
+that to believe blindly in such habits would be a triumph not for faith
+but for foolishness. "People," said Miss Mapp to herself, as her
+attention refused to concentrate on the evening paper, "don't do it. I
+never heard of a similar case."
+
+She had been spending the evening alone, and even the conviction that
+her cold apple tart had suffered diminution by at least a slice, since
+she had so much enjoyed it hot at lunch, failed to occupy her mind for
+long, for this matter had presented itself with a clamouring insistence
+that drowned all other voices. She had tried, when, at the conclusion of
+her supper, she had gone back to the garden-room, to immerse herself in
+a book, in an evening paper, in the portmanteau problem, in a jig-saw
+puzzle, and in Patience, but none of these supplied the stimulus to lead
+her mind away from Major Benjy's evenings, or the narcotic to dull her
+unslumbering desire to solve a problem that was rapidly becoming one of
+the greater mysteries.
+
+Her radiator made a seat in the window agreeably warm, and a chink in
+the curtains gave her a view of the Major's lighted window. Even as she
+looked, the illumination was extinguished. She had expected this, as he
+had been at his diaries late--quite naughtily late--the evening before,
+so this would be a night of infant slumber for twelve hours or so.
+
+Even as she looked, a chink of light came from his front door, which
+immediately enlarged itself into a full oblong. Then it went completely
+out. "He has opened the door, and has put out the hall-light," whispered
+Miss Mapp to herself.... "He has gone out and shut the door.... (Perhaps
+he is going to post a letter.) ... He has gone into Captain Puffin's
+house without knocking. So he is expected."
+
+Miss Mapp did not at once guess that she held in her hand the key to the
+mystery. It was certainly Major Benjy's night for going to bed early....
+Then a fierce illumination beat on her brain. Had she not, so
+providentially, actually observed the Major cross the road,
+unmistakable in the lamplight, and had she only looked out of her window
+after the light in his was quenched, she would surely have told herself
+that good Major Benjy had gone to bed. But good Major Benjy, on ocular
+evidence, she now knew to have done nothing of the kind: he had gone
+across to see Captain Puffin.... He was not good.
+
+She grasped the situation in its hideous entirety. She had been deceived
+and hoodwinked. Major Benjy never went to bed early at all: on alternate
+nights he went and sat with Captain Puffin. And Captain Puffin, she
+could not but tell herself, sat up on the other set of alternate nights
+with the Major, for it had not escaped her observation that when the
+Major seemed to be sitting up, the Captain seemed to have gone to bed.
+Instantly, with strong conviction, she suspected orgies. It remained to
+be seen (and she would remain to see it) to what hour these orgies were
+kept up.
+
+About eleven o'clock a little mist had begun to form in the street,
+obscuring the complete clarity of her view, but through it there still
+shone the light from behind Captain Puffin's red blind, and the mist was
+not so thick as to be able wholly to obscure the figure of Major Flint
+when he should pass below the gas lamp again into his house. But no such
+figure passed. Did he then work at his diaries every evening? And what
+price, to put it vulgarly, Roman roads?
+
+Every moment her sense of being deceived grew blacker, and every moment
+her curiosity as to what they were doing became more unbearable. After a
+spasm of tactical thought she glided back into her house from the
+garden-room, and, taking an envelope in her hand, so that she might, if
+detected, say that she was going down to the letter-box at the corner to
+catch the early post, she unbolted her door and let herself out. She
+crossed the street and tip-toed along the pavement to where the red
+light from Captain Puffin's window shone like a blurred danger-signal
+through the mist.
+
+From inside came a loud duet of familiar voices: sometimes they spoke
+singly, sometimes together. But she could not catch the words: they
+sounded blurred and indistinct, and she told herself that she was very
+glad that she could not hear what they said, for that would have seemed
+like eaves-dropping. The voices sounded angry. Was there another duel
+pending? And what was it about this time?
+
+Quite suddenly, from so close at hand that she positively leaped off the
+pavement into the middle of the road, the door was thrown open and the
+duet, louder than ever, streamed out into the street. Major Benjy
+bounced out on to the threshold, and stumbled down the two steps that
+led from the door.
+
+"Tell you it was a worm-cast," he bellowed. "Think I don't know a
+worm-cast when I see a worm-cast?"
+
+Suddenly his tone changed: this was getting too near a quarrel.
+
+"Well, good-night, old fellow," he said. "Jolly evening."
+
+He turned and saw, veiled and indistinct in the mist, the female figure
+in the roadway. Undying coquetry, as Mr. Stevenson so finely remarked,
+awoke, for the topic preceding the worm-cast had been "the sex."
+
+"Bless me," he crowed, "if there isn't an unprotected lady all 'lone
+here in the dark, and lost in the fog. 'Llow me to 'scort you home,
+madam. Lemme introduce myself and friend--Major Flint, that's me, and my
+friend Captain Puffin."
+
+He put up his hand and whispered an aside to Miss Mapp: "Revolutionized
+the theory of navigation."
+
+Major Benjy was certainly rather gay and rather indistinct, but his
+polite gallantry could not fail to be attractive. It was naughty of him
+to have said that he went to bed early on alternate nights, but
+really.... Still, it might be better to slip away unrecognized, and,
+thinking it would be nice to scriggle by him and disappear in the mist,
+she made a tactical error in her scriggling, for she scriggled full into
+the light that streamed from the open door where Captain Puffin was
+standing.
+
+He gave a shrill laugh.
+
+"Why, it's Miss Mapp," he said in his high falsetto. "Blow me, if it
+isn't our mutual friend Miss Mapp. What a 'strordinary coincidence."
+
+Miss Mapp put on her most winning smile. To be dignified and at the same
+time pleasant was the proper way to deal with this situation. Gentlemen
+often had a glass of grog when they thought the ladies had gone
+upstairs. That was how, for the moment, she summed things up.
+
+"Good evening," she said. "I was just going down to the pillar-box to
+post a letter," and she exhibited her envelope. But it dropped out of
+her hand, and the Major picked it up for her.
+
+"I'll post it for you," he said very pleasantly. "Save you the trouble.
+Insist on it. Why, there's no stamp on it! Why, there's no address on
+it! I say, Puffie, here's a letter with no address on it. Forgotten the
+address, Miss Mapp? Think they'll remember it at the post office? Well,
+that's one of the mos' comic things I ever came across. An, an anonymous
+letter, eh?"
+
+The night air began to have a most unfortunate effect on Puffin. When
+he came out it would have been quite unfair to have described him as
+drunk. He was no more than gay and ready to go to bed. Now he became
+portentously solemn, as the cold mist began to do its deadly work.
+
+"A letter," he said impressively, "without an address is an uncommonly
+dangerous thing. Hic! Can't tell into whose hands it may fall. I would
+sooner go 'bout with a loaded pistol than with a letter without any
+address. Send it to the bank for safety. Send for the police. Follow my
+advice and send for the p'lice. Police!"
+
+Miss Mapp's penetrating mind instantly perceived that that dreadful
+Captain Puffin was drunk, and she promised herself that Tilling should
+ring with the tale of his excesses to-morrow. But Major Benjy, whom, if
+she mistook not, Captain Puffin had been trying, with perhaps some small
+success, to lead astray, was a gallant gentleman still, and she
+conceived the brilliant but madly mistaken idea of throwing herself on
+his protection.
+
+"Major Benjy," she said, "I will ask you to take me home. Captain Puffin
+has had too much to drink----"
+
+"Woz that?" asked Captain Puffin, with an air of great interest.
+
+Miss Mapp abandoned dignity and pleasantness, and lost her temper.
+
+"I said you were drunk," she said with great distinctness. "Major Benjy,
+will you----"
+
+Captain Puffin came carefully down the two steps from the door on to the
+pavement.
+
+"Look here," he said, "this all needs 'splanation. You say I'm drunk, do
+you? Well, I say you're drunk, going out like this in mill' of the night
+to post letter with no 'dress on it. Shamed of yourself, mill'aged woman
+going out in the mill' of the night in the mill' of Tilling. Very
+shocking thing. What do you say, Major?"
+
+Major Benjy drew himself up to his full height, and put on his hat in
+order to take it off to Miss Mapp.
+
+"My fren' Cap'n Puffin," he said, "is a man of strictly 'stemious
+habits. Boys together. Very serious thing to call a man of my fren's
+character drunk. If you call him drunk, why shouldn't he call you drunk?
+Can't take away man's character like that."
+
+"Abso----" began Captain Puffin. Then he stopped and pulled himself
+together.
+
+"Absolooly," he said without a hitch.
+
+"Tilling shall hear of this to-morrow," said Miss Mapp, shivering with
+rage and sea-mist.
+
+Captain Puffin came a step closer.
+
+"Now I'll tell you what it is, Miss Mapp," he said. "If you dare to say
+that I was drunk, Major and I, my fren' the Major and I will say you
+were drunk. Perhaps you think my fren' the Major's drunk too. But sure's
+I live, I'll say we were taking lil' walk in the moonlight and found you
+trying to post a letter with no 'dress on it, and couldn't find the slit
+to put it in. But 'slong as you say nothing, I say nothing. Can't say
+fairer than that. Liberal terms. Mutual Protection Society. Your lips
+sealed, our lips sealed. Strictly private. All trespassers will be
+prosecuted. By order. Hic!"
+
+Miss Mapp felt that Major Benjy ought instantly to have challenged his
+ignoble friend to another duel for this insolent suggestion, but he did
+nothing of the kind, and his silence, which had some awful quality of
+consent about it, chilled her mind, even as the sea-mist, now thick and
+cold, made her certain that her nose was turning red. She still boiled
+with rage, but her mind grew cold with odious apprehensions: she was
+like an ice-pudding with scalding sauce.... There they all stood, veiled
+in vapours, and outlined by the red light that streamed from the
+still-open door of the intoxicated Puffin, getting colder every moment.
+
+"Yessorno," said Puffin, with chattering teeth.
+
+Bitter as it was to accept those outrageous terms, there really seemed,
+without the Major's support, to be no way out of it.
+
+"Yes," said Miss Mapp.
+
+Puffin gave a loud crow.
+
+"The ayes have it, Major," he said. "So we're all frens again. Goonight
+everybody."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Miss Mapp let herself into her house in an agony of mortification. She
+could scarcely realize that her little expedition, undertaken with so
+much ardent and earnest curiosity only a quarter of an hour ago, had
+ended in so deplorable a surfeit of sensation. She had gone out in
+obedience to an innocent and, indeed, laudable desire to ascertain how
+Major Benjy spent those evenings on which he had deceived her into
+imagining that, owing to her influence, he had gone ever so early to
+bed, only to find that he sat up ever so late and that she was fettered
+by a promise not to breathe to a soul a single word about the depravity
+of Captain Puffin, on pain of being herself accused out of the mouth of
+two witnesses of being equally depraved herself. More wounding yet was
+the part played by her Major Benjy in these odious transactions, and it
+was only possible to conclude that he put a higher value on his
+fellowship with his degraded friend than on chivalry itself.... And what
+did his silence imply? Probably it was a defensive one; he imagined that
+he, too, would be included in the stories that Miss Mapp proposed to
+sow broadcast upon the fruitful fields of Tilling, and, indeed, when she
+called to mind his bellowing about worm-casts, his general instability
+of speech and equilibrium, she told herself that he had ample cause for
+such a supposition. He, when his lights were out, was abetting,
+assisting and perhaps joining Captain Puffin. When his window was alight
+on alternate nights she made no doubt now that Captain Puffin was
+performing a similar role. This had been going on for weeks under her
+very nose, without her having the smallest suspicion of it.
+
+Humiliated by all that had happened, and flattened in her own estimation
+by the sense of her blindness, she penetrated to the kitchen and lit a
+gas-ring to make herself some hot cocoa, which would at least comfort
+her physical chatterings. There was a letter for Withers, slipped
+sideways into its envelope, on the kitchen table, and mechanically she
+opened and read it by the bluish flame of the burner. She had always
+suspected Withers of having a young man, and here was proof of it. But
+that he should be Mr. Hopkins of the fish-shop!
+
+There is known to medical science a pleasant device known as a
+counter-irritant. If the patient has an aching and rheumatic joint he is
+counselled to put some hot burning application on the skin, which smarts
+so agonizingly that the ache is quite extinguished. Metaphorically, Mr.
+Hopkins was thermogene to Miss Mapp's outraged and aching consciousness,
+and the smart occasioned by the knowledge that Withers must have
+encouraged Mr. Hopkins (else he could scarcely have written a letter so
+familiar and amorous), and thus be contemplating matrimony, relieved the
+aching humiliation of all that had happened in the sea-mist. It shed a
+new and lurid light on Withers, it made her mistress feel that she had
+nourished a serpent in her bosom, to think that Withers was
+contemplating so odious an act of selfishness as matrimony. It would be
+necessary to find a new parlour-maid, and all the trouble connected with
+that would not nearly be compensated for by being able to buy fish at a
+lower rate. That was the least that Withers could do for her, to insist
+that Mr. Hopkins should let her have dabs and plaice exceptionally
+cheap. And ought she to tell Withers that she had seen Mr. Hopkins ...
+no, that was impossible: she must write it, if she decided (for Withers'
+sake) to make this fell communication.
+
+Miss Mapp turned and tossed on her uneasy bed, and her mind went back to
+the Major and the Captain and that fiasco in the fog. Of course she was
+perfectly at liberty (having made her promise under practical
+compulsion) to tell everybody in Tilling what had occurred, trusting to
+the chivalry of the men not to carry out their counter threat, but
+looking at the matter quite dispassionately, she did not think it would
+be wise to trust too much to chivalry. Still, even if they did carry out
+their unmanly menace, nobody would seriously believe that she had been
+drunk. But they might make a very disagreeable joke of pretending to do
+so, and, in a word, the prospect frightened her. Whatever Tilling did or
+did not believe, a residuum of ridicule would assuredly cling to her,
+and her reputation of having perhaps been the cause of the quarrel
+which, so happily did not end in a duel, would be lost for ever. Evie
+would squeak, quaint Irene would certainly burst into hoarse laughter
+when she heard the story. It was very inconvenient that honesty should
+be the best policy.
+
+Her brain still violently active switched off for a moment on to the
+eternal problem of the portmanteau. Why, so she asked herself for the
+hundredth time, if the portmanteau contained the fatal apparatus of
+duelling, did not the combatants accompany it? And if (the only other
+alternative) it did not----?
+
+An idea so luminous flashed across her brain that she almost thought the
+room had leaped into light. The challenge distinctly said that Major
+Benjy's seconds would wait upon Captain Puffin in the course of the
+morning. With what object then could the former have gone down to the
+station to catch the early train? There could be but one object, namely
+to get away as quickly as possible from the dangerous vicinity of the
+challenged Captain. And why did Captain Puffin leave that note on his
+table to say that he was suddenly called away, except in order to escape
+from the ferocious neighbourhood of his challenger?
+
+"The cowards!" ejaculated Miss Mapp. "They both ran away from each
+other! How blind I've been!"
+
+The veil was rent. She perceived how, carried away with the notion that
+a duel was to be fought among the sand-dunes, Tilling had quite
+overlooked the significance of the early train. She felt sure that she
+had solved everything now, and gave herself up to a rapturous
+consideration of what use she would make of the precious solution. All
+regrets for the impossibility of ruining the character of Captain Puffin
+with regard to intoxicants were gone, for she had an even deadlier
+blacking to hand. No faintest hesitation at ruining the reputation of
+Major Benjy as well crossed her mind; she gloried in it, for he had not
+only caused her to deceive herself about the early hours on alternate
+nights, but by his infamous willingness to back up Captain Puffin's
+bargain, he had shown himself imperviously waterproof to all chivalrous
+impulses. For weeks now the sorry pair of them had enjoyed the spurious
+splendours of being men of blood and valour, when all the time they had
+put themselves to all sorts of inconvenience in catching early trains
+and packing bags by candle-light in order to escape the hot impulses of
+quarrel that, as she saw now, were probably derived from drained
+whisky-bottles. That mysterious holloaing about worm-casts was just such
+another disagreement. And, crowning rapture of all, her own position as
+cause of the projected duel was quite unassailed. Owing to her silence
+about drink, no one would suspect a mere drunken brawl: she would still
+figure as heroine, though the heroes were terribly dismantled. To be
+sure, it would have been better if their ardour about her had been such
+that one of them, at the least, had been prepared to face the ordeal,
+that they had not both preferred flight, but even without that she had
+much to be thankful for. "It will serve them both," said Miss Mapp
+(interrupted by a sneeze, for she had been sitting up in bed for quite a
+considerable time), "right."
+
+To one of Miss Mapp's experience, the first step of her new and
+delightful strategic campaign was obvious, and she spent hardly any time
+at all in the window of her garden-room after breakfast next morning,
+but set out with her shopping-basket at an unusually early hour. She
+shuddered as she passed between the front doors of her miscreant
+neighbours, for the chill of last night's mist and its dreadful memories
+still lingered there, but her present errand warmed her soul even as the
+tepid November day comforted her body. No sign of life was at present
+evident in those bibulous abodes, no qui-his had indicated breakfast,
+and she put her utmost irony into the reflection that the United
+Services slept late after their protracted industry last night over
+diaries and Roman roads. By a natural revulsion, violent in proportion
+to the depth of her previous regard for Major Benjy, she hugged herself
+more closely on the prospect of exposing him than on that of exposing
+the other. She had had daydreams about Major Benjy and the conversion of
+these into nightmares annealed her softness into the semblance of some
+red-hot stone, giving vengeance a concentrated sweetness as of
+saccharine contrasted with ordinary lump sugar. This sweetness was of so
+powerful a quality that she momentarily forgot all about the contents of
+Withers's letter on the kitchen table, and tripped across to Mr.
+Hopkins's with an oblivious smile for him.
+
+"Good morning, Mr. Hopkins," she said. "I wonder if you've got a nice
+little dab for my dinner to-day? Yes? Will you send it up then, please?
+What a mild morning, like May!"
+
+The opening move, of course, was to tell Diva about the revelation that
+had burst on her the night before. Diva was incomparably the best
+disseminator of news: she walked so fast, and her telegraphic style was
+so brisk and lucid. Her terse tongue, her revolving feet! Such a gossip!
+
+"Diva darling, I had to look in a moment," said Elizabeth, pecking her
+affectionately on both cheeks. "Such a bit of news!"
+
+"Oh, Contessa di Faradidleony," said Diva sarcastically. "I heard
+yesterday. Journey put off."
+
+Miss Mapp just managed to stifle the excitement which would have
+betrayed that this was news to her.
+
+"No, dear, not that," she said. "I didn't suspect you of not knowing
+that. Unfortunate though, isn't it, just when we were all beginning to
+believe that there was a Contessa di Faradidleony! What a sweet name!
+For my part I shall believe in her when I see her. Poor Mr. Wyse!"
+
+"What's the news then?" asked Diva.
+
+"My dear, it all came upon me in a flash," said Elizabeth. "It explains
+the portmanteau and the early train and the duel."
+
+Diva looked disappointed. She thought this was to be some solid piece of
+news, not one of Elizabeth's ideas only.
+
+"Drive ahead," she said.
+
+"They ran away from each other," said Elizabeth, mouthing her words as
+if speaking to a totally deaf person who understood lip-reading. "Never
+mind the cause of the duel: that's another affair. But whatever the
+cause," here she dropped her eyes, "the Major having sent the challenge
+packed his portmanteau. He ran away, dear Diva, and met Captain Puffin
+at the station running away too."
+
+"But did----" began Diva.
+
+"Yes, dear, the note on Captain Puffin's table to his housekeeper said
+he was called away suddenly. What called him away? Cowardice, dear! How
+ignoble it all is. And we've all been thinking how brave and wonderful
+they were. They fled from each other, and came back together and played
+golf. I never thought it was a game for men. The sand-dunes where they
+were supposed to be fighting! They might lose a ball there, but that
+would be the utmost. Not a life. Poor Padre! Going out there to stop a
+duel, and only finding a game of golf. But I understand the nature of
+men better now. What an eye-opener!"
+
+Diva by this time was trundling away round the room, and longing to be
+off in order to tell everybody. She could find no hole in Elizabeth's
+arguments; it was founded as solidly as a Euclidean proposition.
+
+"Ever occurred to you that they drink?" she asked. "Believe in Roman
+roads and diaries? I don't."
+
+Miss Mapp bounded from her chair. Danger flags flapped and crimsoned in
+her face. What if Diva went flying round Tilling, suggesting that in
+addition to being cowards those two men were drunkards? They would, as
+soon as any hint of the further exposure reached them, conclude that she
+had set the idea on foot, and then----
+
+"No, Diva darling," she said, "don't dream of imagining such a thing. So
+dangerous to hint anything of the sort. Cowards they may be, and indeed
+are, but never have I seen anything that leads me to suppose that they
+drink. We must give them their due, and stick to what we know; we must
+not launch accusations wildly about other matters, just because we know
+they are cowards. A coward need not be a drunkard, thank God! It is all
+miserable enough, as it is!"
+
+Having averted this danger, Miss Mapp, with her radiant, excited face,
+seemed to be bearing all the misery very courageously, and as Diva could
+no longer be restrained from starting on her morning round they plunged
+together into the maelstrom of the High Street, riding and whirling in
+its waters with the solution of the portmanteau and the early train for
+life-buoy. Very little shopping was done that morning, for every
+permutation and combination of Tilling society (with the exception, of
+course, of the cowards) had to be formed on the pavement with a view to
+the amplest possible discussion. Diva, as might have been expected, gave
+proof of her accustomed perfidy before long, for she certainly gave
+the Padre to understand that the chain of inductive reasoning was of
+her own welding and Elizabeth had to hurry after him to correct this
+grabbing impression; but the discovery in itself was so great, that
+small false notes like these could not spoil the glorious harmony. Even
+Mr. Wyse abandoned his usual neutrality with regard to social politics
+and left his tall malacca cane in the chemist's, so keen was his gusto,
+on seeing Miss Mapp on the pavement outside, to glean any fresh detail
+of evidence.
+
+By eleven o'clock that morning, the two duellists were universally known
+as "the cowards," the Padre alone demurring, and being swampingly
+outvoted. He held (sticking up for his sex) that the Major had been
+brave enough to send a challenge (on whatever subject) to his friend,
+and had, though he subsequently failed to maintain that high level,
+shown courage of a high order, since, for all he knew, Captain Puffin
+might have accepted it. Miss Mapp was spokesman for the mind of Tilling
+on this too indulgent judgment.
+
+"Dear Padre," she said, "you are too generous altogether. They both ran
+away: you can't get over that. Besides you must remember that, when the
+Major sent the challenge, he knew Captain Puffin, oh so well, and quite
+expected he would run away----"
+
+"Then why did he run away himself?" asked the Padre.
+
+This was rather puzzling for a moment, but Miss Mapp soon thought of the
+explanation.
+
+"Oh, just to make sure," she said, and Tilling applauded her ready
+irony.
+
+And then came the climax of sensationalism, when at about ten minutes
+past eleven the two cowards emerged into the High Street on their way to
+catch the 11.20 tram out to the links. The day threatened rain, and
+they both carried bags which contained a change of clothes. Just round
+the corner of the High Street was the group which had applauded Miss
+Mapp's quickness, and the cowards were among the breakers. They glanced
+at each other, seeing that Miss Mapp was the most towering of the
+breakers, but it was too late to retreat, and they made the usual
+salutations.
+
+"Good morning," said Diva, with her voice trembling. "Off to catch the
+early train together--I mean the tram."
+
+"Good morning, Captain Puffin," said Miss Mapp with extreme sweetness.
+"What a nice little travelling bag! Oh, and the Major's got one too!
+H'm!"
+
+A certain dismay looked from Major Flint's eyes, Captain Puffin's mouth
+fell open, and he forgot to shut it.
+
+"Yes; change of clothes," said the Major. "It looks a threatening
+morning."
+
+"Very threatening," said Miss Mapp. "I hope you will do nothing rash or
+dangerous."
+
+There was a moment's silence, and the two looked from one face to
+another of this fell group. They all wore fixed, inexplicable smiles.
+
+"It will be pleasant among the sand-dunes," said the Padre, and his wife
+gave a loud squeak.
+
+"Well, we shall be missing our tram," said the Major. "Au--au reservoir,
+ladies."
+
+Nobody responded at all, and they hurried off down the street, their
+bags bumping together very inconveniently.
+
+"Something's up, Major," said Puffin, with true Tilling perspicacity, as
+soon as they had got out of hearing....
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Precisely at the same moment Miss Mapp gave a little cooing laugh.
+
+"Now I must run and do my bittie shopping, Padre," she said, and kissed
+her hand all round.... The curtain had to come down for a little while
+on so dramatic a situation. Any discussion, just then, would be an
+anti-climax.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IX
+
+
+Captain Puffin found but a sombre diarist when he came over to study his
+Roman roads with Major Flint that evening, and indeed he was a sombre
+antiquarian himself. They had pondered a good deal during the day over
+their strange reception in the High Street that morning and the
+recondite allusions to bags, sand-dunes and early trains, and the more
+they pondered the more probable it became that not only was something
+up, but, as regards the duel, everything was up. For weeks now they had
+been regarded by the ladies of Tilling with something approaching
+veneration, but there seemed singularly little veneration at the back of
+the comments this morning. Following so closely on the encounter with
+Miss Mapp last night, this irreverent attitude was probably due to some
+atheistical manoeuvre of hers. Such, at least, was the Major's view, and
+when he held a view he usually stated it, did Sporting Benjy.
+
+"We've got you to thank for this, Puffin," he said. "Upon my soul, I was
+ashamed of you for saying what you did to Miss Mapp last night. Utter
+absence of any chivalrous feeling hinting that if she said you were
+drunk you would say she was. She was as sober and lucid last night as
+she was this morning. And she was devilish lucid, to my mind, this
+morning."
+
+"Pity you didn't take her part last night," said Puffin. "You thought
+that was a very ingenious idea of mine to make her hold her tongue."
+
+"There are finer things in this world, sir, than ingenuity," said the
+Major. "What your ingenuity has led to is this public ridicule. You may
+not mind that yourself--you may be used to it--but a man should regard
+the consequences of his act on others.... My status in Tilling is
+completely changed. Changed for the worse, sir."
+
+Puffin emitted his fluty, disagreeable laugh.
+
+"If your status in Tilling depended on a reputation for bloodthirsty
+bravery," he said, "the sooner it was changed the better. We're in the
+same boat: I don't say I like the boat, but there we are. Have a drink,
+and you'll feel better. Never mind your status."
+
+"I've a good mind never to have a drink again," said the Major, pouring
+himself out one of his stiff little glasses, "if a drink leads to this
+sort of thing."
+
+"But it didn't," said Puffin. "How it all got out, I can't say, nor for
+that matter can you. If it hadn't been for me last night, it would have
+been all over Tilling that you and I were tipsy as well. That wouldn't
+have improved our status that I can see."
+
+"It was in consequence of what you said to Mapp----" began the Major.
+
+"But, good Lord, where's the connection?" asked Puffin. "Produce the
+connection! Let's have a look at the connection! There ain't any
+connection! Duelling wasn't as much as mentioned last night."
+
+Major Flint pondered this in gloomy, sipping silence.
+
+"Bridge-party at Mrs. Poppit's the day after to-morrow," he said. "I
+don't feel as if I could face it. Suppose they all go on making
+allusions to duelling and early trains and that? I shan't be able to
+keep my mind on the cards for fear of it. More than a sensitive man
+ought to be asked to bear."
+
+Puffin made a noise that sounded rather like "Fudge!"
+
+"Your pardon?" said the Major haughtily.
+
+"Granted by all means," said Puffin. "But I don't see what you're in
+such a taking about. We're no worse off than we were before we got a
+reputation for being such fire-eaters. Being fire-eaters is a wash-out,
+that's all. Pleasant while it lasted, and now we're as we were."
+
+"But we're not," said the Major. "We're detected frauds! That's not the
+same as being a fraud; far from it. And who's going to rub it in, my
+friend? Who's been rubbing away for all she's worth? Miss Mapp, to whom,
+if I may say so without offence, you behaved like a cur last night."
+
+"And another cur stood by and wagged his tail," retorted Puffin.
+
+This was about as far as it was safe to go, and Puffin hastened to say
+something pleasant about the hearthrug, to which his friend had a
+suitable rejoinder. But after the affair last night, and the dark
+sayings in the High Street this morning, there was little content or
+cosiness about the session. Puffin's brazen optimism was but a tinkling
+cymbal, and the Major did not feel like tinkling at all. He but snorted
+and glowered, revolving in his mind how to square Miss Mapp. Allied with
+her, if she could but be won over, he felt he could face the rest of
+Tilling with indifference, for hers would be the most penetrating
+shafts, the most stinging pleasantries. He had more too, so he
+reflected, to lose than Puffin, for till the affair of the duel the
+other had never been credited with deeds of bloodthirsty gallantry,
+whereas he had enjoyed no end of a reputation in amorous and honourable
+affairs. Marriage no doubt would settle it satisfactorily, but this
+bachelor life, with plenty of golf and diaries, was not to be lightly
+exchanged for the unknown. Short of that ...
+
+A light broke, and he got to his feet, following the gleam and walking
+very lame out of general discomfiture.
+
+"Tell you what it is, Puffin," he said. "You and I, particularly you,
+owe that estimable lady a very profound apology for what happened last
+night. You ought to withdraw every word you said, and I every word that
+I didn't say."
+
+"Can't be done," said Puffin. "That would be giving up my hold over your
+lady friend. We should be known as drunkards all over the shop before
+you could say winkie. Worse off than before."
+
+"Not a bit of it. If it's Miss Mapp, and I'm sure it is, who has been
+spreading these--these damaging rumours about our duel, it's because
+she's outraged and offended, quite rightly, at your conduct to her last
+night. Mine, too, if you like. Ample apology, sir, that's the ticket."
+
+"Dog-ticket," said Puffin. "No thanks."
+
+"Very objectionable expression," said Major Flint. "But you shall do as
+you like. And so, with your permission, shall I. I shall apologize for
+my share in that sorry performance, in which, thank God, I only played a
+minor role. That's my view, and if you don't like it, you may dislike
+it."
+
+Puffin yawned.
+
+"Mapp's a cat," he said. "Stroke a cat and you'll get scratched. Shy a
+brick at a cat, and she'll spit at you and skedaddle. You're poor
+company to-night, Major, with all these qualms."
+
+"Then, sir, you can relieve yourself of my company," said the Major, "by
+going home."
+
+"Just what I was about to do. Good night, old boy. Same time to-morrow
+for the tram, if you're not too badly mauled."
+
+Miss Mapp, sitting by the hot-water pipes in the garden-room, looked out
+not long after to see what the night was like. Though it was not yet
+half-past ten the cowards' sitting-rooms were both dark, and she
+wondered what precisely that meant. There was no bridge-party anywhere
+that night, and apparently there were no diaries or Roman roads either.
+Why this sober and chastened darkness?...
+
+The Major qui-hied for his breakfast at an unusually early hour next
+morning, for the courage of this resolve to placate, if possible, the
+hostility of Miss Mapp had not, like that of the challenge, oozed out
+during the night. He had dressed himself in his frock-coat, seen last on
+the occasion when the Prince of Wales proved not to have come by the
+6.37, and no female breast however furious could fail to recognize the
+compliment of such a formality. Dressed thus, with top-hat and
+patent-leather boots, he was clearly observed from the garden-room to
+emerge into the street just when Captain Puffin's hand thrust the sponge
+on to the window-sill of his bath-room. Probably he too had observed
+this apparition, for his fingers prematurely loosed hold of the sponge,
+and it bounded into the street. Wild surmises flashed into Miss Mapp's
+active brain, the most likely of which was that Major Benjy was going to
+propose to Mrs. Poppit, for if he had been going up to London for some
+ceremonial occasion, he would be walking down the street instead of up
+it. And then she saw his agitated finger press the electric bell of her
+own door. So he was not on his way to propose to Mrs. Poppit....
+
+She slid from the room and hurried across the few steps of garden to
+the house just in time to intercept Withers though not with any idea of
+saying that she was out. Then Withers, according to instructions, waited
+till Miss Mapp had tiptoed upstairs, and conducted the Major to the
+garden-room, promising that she would "tell" her mistress. This was
+unnecessary, as her mistress knew. The Major pressed a half-crown into
+her astonished hand, thinking it was a florin. He couldn't precisely
+account for that impulse, but general propitiation was at the bottom of
+it.
+
+Miss Mapp meantime had sat down on her bed, and firmly rejected the idea
+that his call had anything to do with marriage. During all these years
+of friendliness he had not got so far as that, and, whatever the future
+might hold, it was not likely that he would begin now at this moment
+when she was so properly punishing him for his unchivalrous behaviour.
+But what could the frock-coat mean? (There was Captain Puffin's servant
+picking up the sponge. She hoped it was covered with mud.) It would be a
+very just continuation of his punishment to tell Withers she would not
+see him, but the punishment which that would entail on herself would be
+more than she could bear, for she would not know a moment's peace while
+she was ignorant of the nature of his errand. Could he be on his way to
+the Padre's to challenge him for that very stinging allusion to
+sand-dunes yesterday, and was he come to give her fair warning, so that
+she might stop a duel? It did not seem likely. Unable to bear the
+suspense any longer, she adjusted her face in the glass to an expression
+of frozen dignity and threw over her shoulders the cloak trimmed with
+blue in which, on the occasion of the Prince's visit, she had sat down
+in the middle of the road. That matched the Major's frock-coat.
+
+She hummed a little song as she mounted the few steps to the
+garden-room, and stopped just after she had opened the door. She did not
+offer to shake hands.
+
+"You wish to see me, Major Flint?" she said, in such a voice as icebergs
+might be supposed to use when passing each other by night in the Arctic
+seas.
+
+Major Flint certainly looked as if he hated seeing her, instead of
+wishing it, for he backed into a corner of the room and dropped his hat.
+
+"Good morning, Miss Mapp," he said. "Very good of you. I--I called."
+
+He clearly had a difficulty in saying what he had come to say, but if he
+thought that she was proposing to give him the smallest assistance, he
+was in error.
+
+"Yes, you called," said she. "Pray be seated."
+
+He did so; she stood; he got up again.
+
+"I called," said the Major, "I called to express my very deep regret at
+my share, or, rather, that I did not take a more active share--I
+allowed, in fact, a friend of mine to speak to you in a manner that did
+equal discredit----"
+
+Miss Mapp put her head on one side, as if trying to recollect some
+trivial and unimportant occurrence.
+
+"Yes?" she said. "What was that?"
+
+"Captain Puffin," began the Major.
+
+Then Miss Mapp remembered it all.
+
+"I hope, Major Flint," she said, "that you will not find it necessary to
+mention Captain Puffin's name to me. I wish him nothing but well, but he
+and his are no concern of mine. I have the charity to suppose that he
+was quite drunk on the occasion to which I imagine you allude.
+Intoxication alone could excuse what he said. Let us leave Captain
+Puffin out of whatever you have come to say to me."
+
+This was adroit; it compelled the Major to begin all over again.
+
+"I come entirely on my own account," he began.
+
+"I understand," said Miss Mapp, instantly bringing Captain Puffin in
+again. "Captain Puffin, now I presume sober, has no regret for what he
+said when drunk. I quite see, and I expected no more and no less from
+him. Yes. I am afraid I interrupted you."
+
+Major Flint threw his friend overboard like ballast from a bumping
+balloon.
+
+"I speak for myself," he said. "I behaved, Miss Mapp, like a--ha--worm.
+Defenceless lady, insolent fellow drunk--I allude to Captain P----. I'm
+very sorry for my part in it."
+
+Up till this moment Miss Mapp had not made up her mind whether she
+intended to forgive him or not; but here she saw how crushing a penalty
+she might be able to inflict on Puffin if she forgave the erring and
+possibly truly repentant Major. He had already spoken strongly about his
+friend's offence, and she could render life supremely nasty for them
+both--particularly Puffin--if she made the Major agree that he could
+not, if truly sorry, hold further intercourse with him. There would be
+no more golf, no more diaries. Besides, if she was observed to be
+friendly with the Major again and to cut Captain Puffin, a very natural
+interpretation would be that she had learned that in the original
+quarrel the Major had been defending her from some odious tongue to the
+extent of a challenge, even though he subsequently ran away. Tilling was
+quite clever enough to make that inference without any suggestion from
+her.... But if she forgave neither of them, they would probably go on
+boozing and golfing together, and saying quite dreadful things about
+her, and not care very much whether she forgave them or not. Her mind
+was made up, and she gave a wan smile.
+
+"Oh, Major Flint," she said, "it hurt me so dreadfully that you should
+have stood by and heard that Man--if he is a man--say those awful things
+to me and not take my side. It made me feel so lonely. I had always been
+such good friends with you, and then you turned your back on me like
+that. I didn't know what I had done to deserve it. I lay awake ever so
+long."
+
+This was affecting, and he violently rubbed the nap of his hat the wrong
+way.... Then Miss Mapp broke into her sunniest smile.
+
+"Oh, I'm so glad you came to say you were sorry!" she said. "Dear Major
+Benjy, we're quite friends again."
+
+She dabbed her handkerchief on her eyes.
+
+"So foolish of me!" she said. "Now sit down in my most comfortable chair
+and have a cigarette."
+
+Major Flint made a peck at the hand she extended to him, and cleared his
+throat to indicate emotion. It really was a great relief to think that
+she would not make awful allusions to duels in the middle of
+bridge-parties.
+
+"And since you feel as you do about Captain Puffin," she said, "of
+course, you won't see anything more of him. You and I are quite one,
+aren't we, about that? You have dissociated yourself from him
+completely. The fact of your being sorry does that."
+
+It was quite clear to the Major that this condition was involved in his
+forgiveness, though that fact, so obvious to Miss Mapp, had not occurred
+to him before. Still, he had to accept it, or go unhouseled again. He
+could explain to Puffin, under cover of night, or perhaps in
+deaf-and-dumb alphabet from his window....
+
+"Infamous, unforgivable behaviour!" he said. "Pah!"
+
+"So glad you feel that," said Miss Mapp, smiling till he saw the entire
+row of her fine teeth. "And oh, may I say one little thing more? I feel
+this: I feel that the dreadful shock to me of being insulted like that
+was quite a lovely little blessing in disguise, now that the effect has
+been to put an end to your intimacy with him. I never liked it, and I
+liked it less than ever the other night. He's not a fit friend for you.
+Oh, I'm so thankful!"
+
+Major Flint saw that for the present he was irrevocably committed to
+this clause in the treaty of peace. He could not face seeing it torn up
+again, as it certainly would be, if he failed to accept it in its
+entirety, nor could he imagine himself leaving the room with a renewal
+of hostilities. He would lose his game of golf to-day as it was, for
+apart from the fact that he would scarcely have time to change his
+clothes (the idea of playing golf in a frock-coat and top-hat was
+inconceivable) and catch the 11.20 tram, he could not be seen in
+Puffin's company at all. And, indeed, in the future, unless Puffin could
+be induced to apologize and Miss Mapp to forgive, he saw, if he was to
+play golf at all with his friend, that endless deceptions and
+subterfuges were necessary in order to escape detection. One of them
+would have to set out ten minutes before the other, and walk to the tram
+by some unusual and circuitous route; they would have to play in a
+clandestine and furtive manner, parting company before they got to the
+club-house; disguises might be needful; there was a peck of difficulties
+ahead. But he would have to go into these later; at present he must be
+immersed in the rapture of his forgiveness.
+
+"Most generous of you, Miss Elizabeth," he said. "As for that--well, I
+won't allude to him again."
+
+Miss Mapp gave a happy little laugh, and having made a further plan,
+switched away from the subject of captains and insults with alacrity.
+
+"Look!" she said. "I found these little rosebuds in flower still, though
+it is the end of November. Such brave little darlings, aren't they? One
+for your button-hole, Major Benjy? And then I must do my little
+shoppings or Withers will scold me--Withers is so severe with me, keeps
+me in such order! If you are going into the town, will you take me with
+you? I will put on my hat."
+
+Requests for the present were certainly commands, and two minutes later
+they set forth. Luck, as usual, befriended ability, for there was Puffin
+at his door, itching for the Major's return (else they would miss the
+tram); and lo! there came stepping along Miss Mapp in her blue-trimmed
+cloak, and the Major attired as for marriage--top-hat, frock-coat and
+button-hole. She did not look at Puffin and cut him; she did not seem
+(with the deceptiveness of appearances) to see him at all, so eager and
+agreeable was her conversation with her companion. The Major, so Puffin
+thought, attempted to give him some sort of dazed and hunted glance; but
+he could not be certain even of that, so swiftly had it to be
+transformed into a genial interest in what Miss Mapp was saying, and
+Puffin stared open-mouthed after them, for they were terrible as an army
+with banners. Then Diva, trundling swiftly out of the fish-shop, came,
+as well she might, to a dead halt, observing this absolutely
+inexplicable phenomenon.
+
+"Good morning, Diva darling," said Miss Mapp. "Major Benjy and I are
+doing our little shopping together. So kind of him, isn't it? and very
+naughty of me to take up his time. I told him he ought to be playing
+golf. Such a lovely day! Au reservoir, sweet! Oh, and there's the Padre,
+Major Benjy! How quickly he walks! Yes, he sees us! And there's Mrs.
+Poppit; everybody is enjoying the sunshine. What a beautiful fur coat,
+though I should think she found it very heavy and warm. Good morning,
+dear Susan! You shopping, too, like Major Benjy and me? How is your dear
+Isabel?"
+
+Miss Mapp made the most of that morning; the magnanimity of her
+forgiveness earned her incredible dividends. Up and down the High Street
+she went, with Major Benjy in attendance, buying grocery, stationery,
+gloves, eau-de-Cologne, boot-laces, the "Literary Supplement" of _The
+Times_, dried camomile flowers, and every conceivable thing that she
+might possibly need in the next week, so that her shopping might be as
+protracted as possible. She allowed him (such was her firmness in
+"spoiling" him) to carry her shopping-basket, and when that was full,
+she decked him like a sacrificial ram with little parcels hung by loops
+of string. Sometimes she took him into a shop in case there might be
+someone there who had not seen him yet on her leash; sometimes she left
+him on the pavement in a prominent position, marking, all the time, just
+as if she had been a clinical thermometer, the feverish curiosity that
+was burning in Tilling's veins. Only yesterday she had spread the news
+of his cowardice broadcast; to-day their comradeship was of the
+chattiest and most genial kind. There he was, carrying her basket, and
+wearing frock-coat and top-hat and hung with parcels like a
+Christmas-tree, spending the entire morning with her instead of golfing
+with Puffin. Miss Mapp positively shuddered as she tried to realize what
+her state of mind would have been, if she had seen him thus coupled
+with Diva. She would have suspected (rightly in all probability) some
+loathsome intrigue against herself. And the cream of it was that until
+she chose, nobody could possibly find out what had caused this
+metamorphosis so paralysing to inquiring intellects, for Major Benjy
+would assuredly never tell anyone that there was a reconciliation, due
+to his apology for his rudeness, when he had stood by and permitted an
+intoxicated Puffin to suggest disgraceful bargains. Tilling--poor
+Tilling--would go crazy with suspense as to what it all meant.
+
+Never had there been such a shopping! It was nearly lunch-time when, at
+her front door, Major Flint finally stripped himself of her parcels and
+her companionship and hobbled home, profusely perspiring, and lame from
+so much walking on pavements in tight patent-leather shoes. He was weary
+and footsore; he had had no golf, and, though forgiven, was but a wreck.
+She had made him ridiculous all the morning with his frock-coat and
+top-hat and his porterages, and if forgiveness entailed any more of
+these nightmare sacraments of friendliness, he felt that he would be
+unable to endure the fatiguing accessories of the regenerate state. He
+hung up his top-hat and wiped his wet and throbbing head; he kicked off
+his shoes and shed his frock-coat, and furiously qui-hied for a whisky
+and soda and lunch.
+
+His physical restoration was accompanied by a quickening of dismay at
+the general prospect. What (to put it succinctly) was life worth, even
+when unharassed by allusions to duels, without the solace of golf,
+quarrels and diaries in the companionship of Puffin? He hated Puffin--no
+one more so--but he could not possibly get on without him, and it was
+entirely due to Puffin that he had spent so outrageous a morning, for
+Puffin, seeking to silence Miss Mapp by his intoxicated bargain, had
+been the prime cause of all this misery. He could not even, for fear of
+that all-seeing eye in Miss Mapp's garden-room, go across to the house
+of the unforgiven sea-captain, and by a judicious recital of his woes
+induce him to beg Miss Mapp's forgiveness instantly. He would have to
+wait till the kindly darkness fell.... "Mere slavery!" he exclaimed with
+passion.
+
+A tap at his sitting-room door interrupted the chain of these melancholy
+reflections, and his permission to enter was responded to by Puffin
+himself. The Major bounced from his seat.
+
+"You mustn't stop here," he said in a low voice, as if afraid that he
+might be overheard. "Miss Mapp may have seen you come in."
+
+Puffin laughed shrilly.
+
+"Why, of course she did," he gaily assented. "She was at her window all
+right. Ancient lights, I shall call her. What's this all about now?"
+
+"You must go back," said Major Flint agitatedly. "She must see you go
+back. I can't explain now. But I'll come across after dinner when it's
+dark. Go; don't wait."
+
+He positively hustled the mystified Puffin out of the house, and Miss
+Mapp's face, which had grown sharp and pointed with doubts and
+suspicions when she observed him enter Major Benjy's house, dimpled, as
+she saw him return, into her sunniest smiles. "Dear Major Benjy," she
+said, "he has refused to see him," and she cut the string of the large
+cardboard box which had just arrived from the dyer's with the most
+pleasurable anticipations....
+
+Well, it was certainly very magnificent, and Miss Greele was quite
+right, for there was not the faintest tinge to show that it had
+originally been kingfisher-blue. She had not quite realized how
+brilliant crimson-lake was in the piece; it seemed almost to cast a
+ruddy glow on the very ceiling, and the fact that she had caused the
+orange chiffon with which the neck and sleeves were trimmed to be dyed
+black (following the exquisite taste of Mrs. Titus Trout) only threw the
+splendour of the rest into more dazzling radiance. Kingfisher-blue would
+appear quite ghostly and corpse-like in its neighbourhood; and painful
+though that would be for Diva, it would, as all her well-wishers must
+hope, be a lesson to her not to indulge in such garishness. She should
+be taught her lesson (D.V.), thought Miss Mapp, at Susan's bridge-party
+to-morrow evening. Captain Puffin was being taught a lesson, too, for we
+are never too old to learn, or, for that matter, to teach.
+
+Though the night was dark and moonless, there was an inconveniently
+brilliant gas-lamp close to the Major's door, and that strategist,
+carrying his round roll of diaries, much the shape of a bottle, under
+his coat, went about half-past nine that evening to look at the
+rain-gutter which had been weeping into his yard, and let himself out of
+the back-door round the corner. From there he went down past the
+fishmonger's, crossed the road, and doubled back again up Puffin's side
+of the street, which was not so vividly illuminated, though he took the
+precaution of making himself little with bent knees, and of limping.
+Puffin was already warming himself over the fire and imbibing Roman
+roads, and was disposed to be hilarious over the Major's shopping.
+
+"But why top-hat and frock-coat, Major?" he asked. "Another visit of the
+Prince of Wales, I asked myself, or the Voice that breathed o'er Eden?
+Have a drink--one of mine, I mean? I owe you a drink for the good laugh
+you gave me."
+
+Had it not been for this generosity and the need of getting on the right
+side of Puffin, Major Flint would certainly have resented such clumsy
+levity, but this double consideration caused him to take it with
+unwonted good-humour. His attempt to laugh, indeed, sounded a little
+hollow, but that is the habit of self-directed merriment.
+
+"Well, I allow it must have seemed amusing," he said. "The fact was that
+I thought she would appreciate my putting a little ceremony into my
+errand of apology, and then she whisked me off shopping before I could
+go and change."
+
+"Kiss and friends again, then?" asked Puffin.
+
+The Major grew a little stately over this.
+
+"No such familiarity passed," he said. "But she accepted my regrets
+with--ha--the most gracious generosity. A fine-spirited woman, sir;
+you'll find the same."
+
+"I might if I looked for it," said Puffin. "But why should I want to
+make it up? You've done that, and that prevents her talking about
+duelling and early trains. She can't mock at me because of you. You
+might pass me back my bottle, if you've taken your drink."
+
+The Major reluctantly did so.
+
+"You must please yourself, old boy," he said. "It's your business, and
+no one's ever said that Benjy Flint interfered in another man's affairs.
+But I trust you will do what good feeling indicates. I hope you value
+our jolly games of golf and our pleasant evenings sufficiently highly."
+
+"Eh! how's that?" asked Puffin. "You going to cut me too?"
+
+The Major sat down and put his large feet on the fender. "Tact and
+diplomacy, Benjy, my boy," he reminded himself.
+
+"Ha! That's what I like," he said, "a good fire and a friend, and the
+rest of the world may go hang. There's no question of cutting, old man;
+I needn't tell you that--but we must have one of our good talks. For
+instance, I very unceremoniously turned you out of my house this
+afternoon, and I owe you an explanation of that. I'll give it you in one
+word: Miss Mapp saw you come in. She didn't see me come in here this
+evening--ha! ha!--and that's why I can sit at my ease. But if she
+knew----"
+
+Puffin guessed.
+
+"What has happened, Major, is that you've thrown me over for Miss Mapp,"
+he observed.
+
+"No, sir, I have not," said the Major with emphasis. "Should I be
+sitting here and drinking your whisky if I had? But this morning, after
+that lady had accepted my regret for my share in what occurred the other
+night, she assumed that since I condemned my own conduct unreservedly, I
+must equally condemn yours. It really was like a conjuring trick; the
+thing was done before I knew anything about it. And before I'd had time
+to say, 'Hold on a bit,' I was being led up and down the High Street,
+carrying as much merchandise as a drove of camels. God, sir, I suffered
+this morning; you don't seem to realize that I suffered; I couldn't
+stand any more mornings like that: I haven't the stamina."
+
+"A powerful woman," said Puffin reflectively.
+
+"You may well say that," observed Major Flint. "That is finely said. A
+powerful woman she is, with a powerful tongue, and able to be powerful
+nasty, and if she sees you and me on friendly terms again, she'll turn
+the full hose on to us both unless you make it up with her."
+
+"H'm, yes. But as likely as not she'll tell me and my apologies to go
+hang."
+
+"Have a try, old man," said the Major encouragingly.
+
+Puffin looked at his whisky-bottle.
+
+"Help yourself, Major," he said. "I think you'll have to help me out,
+you know. Go and interview her: see if there's a chance of my favourable
+reception."
+
+"No, sir," said the Major firmly, "I will not run the risk of another
+morning's shopping in the High Street."
+
+"You needn't. Watch till she comes back from her shopping to-morrow."
+
+Major Benjy clearly did not like the prospect at all, but Puffin grew
+firmer and firmer in his absolute refusal to lay himself open to rebuff,
+and presently, they came to an agreement that the Major was to go on his
+ambassadorial errand next morning. That being settled, the still
+undecided point about the worm-cast gave rise to a good deal of heat,
+until, it being discovered that the window was open, and that their
+voices might easily carry as far as the garden-room, they made malignant
+rejoinders to each other in whispers. But it was impossible to go on
+quarrelling for long in so confidential a manner, and the disagreement
+was deferred to a more convenient occasion. It was late when the Major
+left, and after putting out the light in Puffin's hall, so that he
+should not be silhouetted against it, he slid into the darkness, and
+reached his own door by a subtle detour.
+
+Miss Mapp had a good deal of division of her swift mind, when, next
+morning, she learned the nature of Major Benjy's second errand. If she,
+like Mr. Wyse, was to encourage Puffin to hope that she would accept his
+apologies, she would be obliged to remit all further punishment of him,
+and allow him to consort with his friend again. It was difficult to
+forgo the pleasure of his chastisement, but, on the other hand, it was
+just possible that the Major might break away, and, whether she liked it
+or not (and she would not), refuse permanently to give up Puffin's
+society. That would be awkward since she had publicly paraded her
+reconciliation with him. What further inclined her to clemency, was that
+this very evening the crimson-lake tea-gown would shed its effulgence
+over Mrs. Poppit's bridge-party, and Diva would never want to hear the
+word "kingfisher" again. That was enough to put anybody in a good
+temper. So the diplomatist returned to the miscreant with the glad
+tidings that Miss Mapp would hear his supplication with a favourable
+ear, and she took up a stately position in the garden-room, which she
+selected as audience chamber, near the bell so that she could ring for
+Withers if necessary.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Miss Mapp's mercy was largely tempered with justice, and she proposed,
+in spite of the leniency which she would eventually exhibit, to give
+Puffin "what for," first. She had not for him, as for Major Benjy, that
+feminine weakness which had made it a positive luxury to forgive him:
+she never even thought of Puffin as Captain Dicky, far less let the
+pretty endearment slip off her tongue accidentally, and the luxury which
+she anticipated from the interview was that of administering a quantity
+of hard slaps. She had appointed half-past twelve as the hour for his
+suffering, so that he must go without his golf again.
+
+She put down the book she was reading when he appeared, and gazed at him
+stonily without speech. He limped into the middle of the room. This
+might be forgiveness, but it did not look like it, and he wondered
+whether she had got him here on false pretences.
+
+"Good morning," said he.
+
+Miss Mapp inclined her head. Silence was gold.
+
+"I understood from Major Flint----" began Puffin.
+
+Speech could be gold too.
+
+"If," said Miss Mapp, "you have come to speak about Major Flint you have
+wasted your time. And mine!"
+
+(How different from Major Benjy, she thought. What a shrimp!)
+
+The shrimp gave a slight gasp. The thing had got to be done, and the
+sooner he was out of range of this powerful woman the better.
+
+"I am extremely sorry for what I said to you the other night," he said.
+
+"I am glad you are sorry," said Miss Mapp.
+
+"I offer you my apologies for what I said," continued Puffin.
+
+The whip whistled.
+
+"When you spoke to me on the occasion to which you refer," said Miss
+Mapp, "I saw of course at once that you were not in a condition to speak
+to anybody. I instantly did you that justice, for I am just to
+everybody. I paid no more attention to what you said than I should have
+paid to any tipsy vagabond in the slums. I daresay you hardly remember
+what you said, so that before I hear your expression of regret, I will
+remind you of it. You threatened, unless I promised to tell nobody in
+what a disgusting condition you were, to say that I was tipsy. Elizabeth
+Mapp tipsy! That was what you said, Captain Puffin."
+
+Captain Puffin turned extremely red. ("Now the shrimp's being boiled,"
+thought Miss Mapp.)
+
+"I can't do more than apologize," said he. He did not know whether he
+was angrier with his ambassador or her.
+
+"Did you say you couldn't do 'more,'" said Miss Mapp with an air of
+great interest. "How curious! I should have thought you couldn't have
+done less."
+
+"Well, what more can I do?" asked he.
+
+"If you think," said Miss Mapp, "that you hurt me by your conduct that
+night, you are vastly mistaken. And if you think you can do no more than
+apologize, I will teach you better. You can make an effort, Captain
+Puffin, to break with your deplorable habits, to try to get back a
+little of the self-respect, if you ever had any, which you have lost.
+You can cease trying, oh, so unsuccessfully, to drag Major Benjy down to
+your level. That's what you can do."
+
+She let these withering observations blight him.
+
+"I accept your apologies," she said. "I hope you will do better in the
+future, Captain Puffin, and I shall look anxiously for signs of
+improvement. We will meet with politeness and friendliness when we are
+brought together and I will do my best to wipe all remembrance of your
+tipsy impertinence from my mind. And you must do your best too. You are
+not young, and engrained habits are difficult to get rid of. But do not
+despair, Captain Puffin. And now I will ring for Withers and she will
+show you out."
+
+She rang the bell, and gave a sample of her generous oblivion.
+
+"And we meet, do we not, this evening at Mrs. Poppit's?" she said,
+looking not at him, but about a foot above his head. "Such pleasant
+evenings one always has there, I hope it will not be a wet evening, but
+the glass is sadly down. Oh, Withers, Captain Puffin is going. Good
+morning, Captain Puffin. Such a pleasure!"
+
+Miss Mapp hummed a rollicking little tune as she observed him totter
+down the street.
+
+"There!" she said, and had a glass of Burgundy for lunch as a treat.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER X
+
+
+The news that Mr. Wyse was to be of the party that evening at Mrs.
+Poppit's and was to dine there first, _en famille_ (as he casually let
+slip in order to air his French), created a disagreeable impression that
+afternoon in Tilling. It was not usual to do anything more than "have a
+tray" for your evening meal, if one of these winter bridge-parties
+followed, and there was, to Miss Mapp's mind, a deplorable tendency to
+ostentation in this dinner-giving before a party. Still, if Susan was
+determined to be extravagant, she might have asked Miss Mapp as well,
+who resented this want of hospitality. She did not like, either, this
+hole-and-corner _en famille_ work with Mr. Wyse; it indicated a pushing
+familiarity to which, it was hoped, Mr. Wyse's eyes were open.
+
+There was another point: the party, it had been ascertained, would in
+all number ten, and if, as was certain, there would be two
+bridge-tables, that seemed to imply that two people would have to cut
+out. There were often nine at Mrs. Poppit's bridge-parties (she appeared
+to be unable to count), but on those occasions Isabel was generally
+told by her mother that she did not care for bridge, and so there was no
+cutting out, but only a pleasant book for Isabel. But what would be done
+with ten? It was idle to hope that Susan would sit out: as hostess she
+always considered it part of her duties to play solidly the entire
+evening. Still, if the cutting of cards malignantly ordained that Miss
+Mapp was ejected, it was only reasonable to expect that after her
+magnanimity to the United Services, either Major Benjy or Captain Puffin
+would be so obdurate in his insistence that she must play instead of
+him, that it would be only ladylike to yield.
+
+She did not, therefore, allow this possibility to dim the pleasure she
+anticipated from the discomfiture of darling Diva, who would be certain
+to appear in the kingfisher-blue tea-gown, and find herself ghastly and
+outshone by the crimson-lake which was the colour of Mrs. Trout's second
+toilet, and Miss Mapp, after prolonged thought as to her most dramatic
+moment of entrance in the crimson-lake, determined to arrive when she
+might expect the rest of the guests to have already assembled. She would
+risk, it is true, being out of a rubber for a little, since bridge might
+have already begun, but play would have to stop for a minute of
+greetings when she came in, and she would beg everybody not to stir, and
+would seat herself quite, quite close to Diva, and openly admire her
+pretty frock, "like one I used to have ...!"
+
+It was, therefore, not much lacking of ten o'clock when, after she had
+waited a considerable time on Mrs. Poppit's threshold, Boon sulkily
+allowed her to enter, but gave no answer to her timid inquiry of: "Am I
+very late, Boon?" The drawing-room door was a little ajar, and as she
+took off the cloak that masked the splendour of the crimson-lake, her
+acute ears heard the murmur of talk going on, which indicated that
+bridge had not yet begun, while her acute nostrils detected the faint
+but certain smell of roast grouse, which showed what Susan had given Mr.
+Wyse for dinner, probably telling him that the birds were a present to
+her from the shooting-lodge where she had stayed in the summer. Then,
+after she had thrown herself a glance in the mirror, and put on her
+smile, Boon preceded her, slightly shrugging his shoulders, to the
+drawing-room door, which he pushed open, and grunted loudly, which was
+his manner of announcing a guest. Miss Mapp went tripping in, almost at
+a run, to indicate how vexed she was with herself for being late, and
+there, just in front of her, stood Diva, dressed not in kingfisher-blue
+at all, but in the crimson-lake of Mrs. Trout's second toilet.
+Perfidious Diva had had her dress dyed too....
+
+Miss Mapp's courage rose to the occasion. Other people, Majors and tipsy
+Captains, might be cowards, but not she. Twice now (omitting the matter
+of the Wars of the Roses) had Diva by some cunning, which it was
+impossible not to suspect of a diabolical origin, clad her odious little
+roundabout form in splendours identical with Miss Mapp's, but now,
+without faltering even when she heard Evie's loud squeak, she turned to
+her hostess, who wore the Order of M.B.E. on her ample breast, and made
+her salutations in a perfectly calm voice.
+
+"Dear Susan, don't scold me for being so late," she said, "though I know
+I deserve it. So sweet of you! Isabel darling and dear Evie! Oh, and Mr.
+Wyse! Sweet Irene! Major Benjy and Captain Puffin! Had a nice game of
+golf? And the Padre!..."
+
+She hesitated a moment wondering, if she could, without screaming or
+scratching, seem aware of Diva's presence. Then she soared, lambent as
+flame.
+
+"Diva darling!" she said, and bent and kissed her, even as St. Stephen
+in the moment of martyrdom prayed for those who stoned him. Flesh and
+blood could not manage more, and she turned to Mr. Wyse, remembering
+that Diva had told her that the Contessa Faradiddleony's arrival was
+postponed.
+
+"And your dear sister has put off her journey, I understand," she said.
+"Such a disappointment! Shall we see her at Tilling at all, do you
+think?"
+
+Mr. Wyse looked surprised.
+
+"Dear lady," he said, "you're the second person who has said that to me.
+Mrs. Plaistow asked me just now----"
+
+"Yes; it was she who told me," said Miss Mapp in case there was a
+mistake. "Isn't it true?"
+
+"Certainly not. I told my housekeeper that the Contessa's maid was ill,
+and would follow her, but that's the only foundation I know of for this
+rumour. Amelia encourages me to hope that she will be here early next
+week."
+
+"Oh, no doubt that's it!" said Miss Mapp in an aside so that Diva could
+hear. "Darling Diva's always getting hold of the most erroneous
+information. She must have been listening to servants' gossip. So glad
+she's wrong about it."
+
+Mr. Wyse made one of his stately inclinations of the head.
+
+"Amelia will regret very much not being here to-night," he said, "for I
+see all the great bridge-players are present."
+
+"Oh, Mr. Wyse!" said she. "We shall all be humble learners compared with
+the Contessa, I expect."
+
+"Not at all!" said Mr. Wyse. "But what a delightful idea of yours and
+Mrs. Plaistow's to dress alike in such lovely gowns. Quite like
+sisters."
+
+Miss Mapp could not trust herself to speak on this subject, and showed
+all her teeth, not snarling but amazingly smiling. She had no occasion
+to reply, however, for Captain Puffin joined them, eagerly deferential.
+
+"What a charming surprise you and Mrs. Plaistow have given us, Miss
+Mapp," he said, "in appearing again in the same beautiful dresses. Quite
+like----"
+
+Miss Mapp could not bear to hear what she and Diva were like, and
+wheeled about, passionately regretting that she had forgiven Puffin.
+This manoeuvre brought her face to face with the Major.
+
+"Upon my word, Miss Elizabeth," he said, "you look magnificent
+to-night."
+
+He saw the light of fury in her eyes, and guessed, mere man as he was,
+what it was about. He bent to her and spoke low.
+
+"But, by Jove!" he said with supreme diplomacy, "somebody ought to tell
+our good Mrs. Plaistow that some women can wear a wonderful gown and
+others--ha!"
+
+"Dear Major Benjy," said she. "Cruel of you to poor Diva."
+
+But instantly her happiness was clouded again, for the Padre had a very
+ill-inspired notion.
+
+"What ho! fair Madam Plaistow," he humorously observed to Miss Mapp.
+"Ah! Peccavi! I am in error. It is Mistress Mapp. But let us to the
+cards! Our hostess craves thy presence at yon table."
+
+Contrary to custom Mrs. Poppit did not sit firmly down at a table, nor
+was Isabel told that she had an invincible objection to playing bridge.
+Instead she bade everybody else take their seats, and said that she and
+Mr. Wyse had settled at dinner that they much preferred looking on and
+learning to playing. With a view to enjoying this incredible treat as
+fully as possible, they at once seated themselves on a low sofa at the
+far end of the room where they could not look or learn at all, and
+engaged in conversation. Diva and Elizabeth, as might have been expected
+from the malignant influence which watched over their attire, cut in at
+the same table and were partners, so that they had, in spite of the
+deadly antagonism of identical tea-gowns, a financial interest in
+common, while a further bond between them was the eagerness with which
+they strained their ears to overhear anything that their hostess and Mr.
+Wyse were saying to each other.
+
+Miss Mapp and Diva alike were perhaps busier when they were being dummy
+than when they were playing the cards. Over the background of each mind
+was spread a hatred of the other, red as their tea-gowns, and shot with
+black despair as to what on earth they should do now with those
+ill-fated pieces of pride. Miss Mapp was prepared to make a perfect
+chameleon of hers, if only she could get away from Diva's hue, but what
+if, having changed, say, to purple, Diva became purple too? She could
+not stand a third coincidence, and besides, she much doubted whether any
+gown that had once been of so pronounced a crimson-lake, could
+successfully attempt to appear of any other hue except perhaps black. If
+Diva died, she might perhaps consult Miss Greele as to whether black
+would be possible, but then if Diva died, there was no reason for not
+wearing crimson-lake for ever, since it would be an insincerity of which
+Miss Mapp humbly hoped she was incapable, to go into mourning for Diva
+just because she died.
+
+In front of this lurid background of despair moved the figures which
+would have commanded all her attention, have aroused all the feelings of
+disgust and pity of which she was capable, had only Diva stuck to
+kingfisher-blue. There they sat on the sofa, talking in voices which it
+was impossible to overhear, and if ever a woman made up to a man, and if
+ever a man was taken in by shallow artifices, "they," thought Miss Mapp,
+"are the ones." There was no longer any question that Susan was doing
+her utmost to inveigle Mr. Wyse into matrimony, for no other motive, not
+politeness, not the charm of conversation, not the low, comfortable seat
+by the fire could possibly have had force enough to keep her for a whole
+evening from the bridge-table. That dinner _en famille_, so Miss Mapp
+sarcastically reflected--what if it was the first of hundreds of similar
+dinners _en famille_? Perhaps, when safely married, Susan would ask her
+to one of the family dinners, with a glassful of foam which she called
+champagne, and the leg of a crow which she called game from the
+shooting-lodge.... There was no use in denying that Mr. Wyse seemed to
+be swallowing flattery and any other form of bait as fast as they were
+supplied him; never had he been so made up to since the day, now two
+years ago, when Miss Mapp herself wrote him down as uncapturable. But
+now, on this awful evening of crimson-lake, it seemed only prudent to
+face the prospect of his falling into the nets which were spread for
+him.... Susan the sister-in-law of a Contessa. Susan the wife of the man
+whose urbanity made all Tilling polite to each other, Susan a Wyse of
+Whitchurch! It made Miss Mapp feel positively weary of earth....
+
+Nor was this the sum of Miss Mapp's mental activities, as she sat being
+dummy to Diva, for, in addition to the rage, despair and disgust with
+which these various topics filled her, she had narrowly to watch Diva's
+play, in order, at the end, to point out to her with lucid firmness all
+the mistakes she had made, while with snorts and sniffs and muttered
+exclamations and jerks of the head and pullings-out of cards and
+puttings of them back with amazing assertions that she had not quitted
+them, she wrestled with the task she had set herself of getting two
+no-trumps. It was impossible to count the tricks that Diva made, for she
+had a habit of putting her elbow on them after she had raked them in, as
+if in fear that her adversaries would filch them when she was not
+looking, and Miss Mapp, distracted with other interests, forgot that
+no-trumps had been declared and thought it was hearts, of which Diva
+played several after their adversaries' hands were quite denuded of
+them. She often did that "to make sure."
+
+"Three tricks," she said triumphantly at the conclusion, counting the
+cards in the cache below her elbow.
+
+Miss Mapp gave a long sigh, but remembered that Mr. Wyse was present.
+
+"You could have got two more," she said, "if you hadn't played those
+hearts, dear. You would have been able to trump Major Benjy's club and
+the Padre's diamond, and we should have gone out. Never mind, you played
+it beautifully otherwise."
+
+"Can't trump when it's no trumps," said Diva, forgetting that Mr. Wyse
+was there. "That's nonsense. Got three tricks. Did go out. Did you think
+it was hearts? Wasn't."
+
+Miss Mapp naturally could not demean herself to take any notice of this.
+
+"Your deal, is it, Major Benjy?" she asked. "Me to cut?"
+
+Diva had remembered just after her sharp speech to her partner that Mr.
+Wyse was present, and looked towards the sofa to see if there were any
+indications of pained surprise on his face which might indicate that he
+had heard. But what she saw there--or, to be more accurate, what she
+failed to see there--forced her to give an exclamation which caused Miss
+Mapp to look round in the direction where Diva's bulging eyes were
+glued.... There was no doubt whatever about it: Mrs. Poppit and Mr. Wyse
+were no longer there. Unless they were under the sofa they had certainly
+left the room together and altogether. Had she gone to put on her sable
+coat on this hot night? Was Mr. Wyse staggering under its weight as he
+fitted her into it? Miss Mapp rejected the supposition; they had gone to
+another room to converse more privately. This looked very black indeed,
+and she noted the time on the clock in order to ascertain, when they
+came back, how long they had been absent.
+
+The rubber went on its wild way, relieved from the restraining influence
+of Mr. Wyse, and when, thirty-nine minutes afterwards, it came to its
+conclusion and neither the hostess nor Mr. Wyse had returned, Miss Mapp
+was content to let Diva muddle herself madly, adding up the score with
+the assistance of her fingers, and went across to the other table till
+she should be called back to check her partner's figures. They would be
+certain to need checking.
+
+"Has Mr. Wyse gone away already, dear Isabel?" she said. "How early!"
+
+("And four makes nine," muttered Diva, getting to her little finger.)
+
+Isabel was dummy, and had time for conversation.
+
+"I think he has only gone with Mamma into the conservatory," she
+said--"no more diamonds, partner?--to advise her about the orchids."
+
+Now the conservatory was what Miss Mapp considered a potting-shed with a
+glass roof, and the orchids were one anaemic odontoglossum, and there
+would scarcely be room besides that for Mrs. Poppit and Mr. Wyse. The
+potting-shed was visible from the drawing-room window, over which
+curtains were drawn.
+
+"Such a lovely night," said Miss Mapp. "And while Diva is checking the
+score may I have a peep at the stars, dear? So fond of the sweet stars."
+
+She glided to the window (conscious that Diva was longing to glide too,
+but was preparing to quarrel with the Major's score) and took her peep
+at the sweet stars. The light from the hall shone full into the
+potting-shed, but there was nobody there. She made quite sure of that.
+
+Diva had heard about the sweet stars, and for the first time in her life
+made no objection to her adversaries' total.
+
+"You're right, Major Flint, eighteen-pence," she said. "Stupid of me:
+I've left my handkerchief in the pocket of my cloak. I'll pop out and
+get it. Back in a minute. Cut again for partners."
+
+She trundled to the door and popped out of it before Miss Mapp had the
+slightest chance of intercepting her progress. This was bitter, because
+the dining-room opened out of the hall, and so did the book-cupboard
+with a window which dear Susan called her boudoir. Diva was quite
+capable of popping into both of these apartments. In fact, if the
+truants were there, it was no use bothering about the sweet stars any
+more, and Diva would already have won....
+
+There was a sweet moon as well, and just as baffled Miss Mapp was
+turning away from the window, she saw that which made her positively
+glue her nose to the cold window-pane, and tuck the curtain in, so that
+her silhouette should not be visible from outside. Down the middle of
+the garden path came the two truants, Susan in her sables and Mr. Wyse
+close beside her with his coat-collar turned up. Her ample form with the
+small round head on the top looked like a short-funnelled locomotive
+engine, and he like the driver on the foot-plate. The perfidious things
+had said they were going to consult over the orchid. Did orchids grow on
+the lawn? It was news to Miss Mapp if they did.
+
+They stopped, and Mr. Wyse quite clearly pointed to some celestial
+object, moon or star, and they both gazed at it. The sight of two such
+middle-aged people behaving like this made Miss Mapp feel quite sick,
+but she heroically continued a moment more at her post. Her heroism was
+rewarded, for immediately after the inspection of the celestial object,
+they turned and inspected each other. And Mr. Wyse kissed her.
+
+Miss Mapp "scriggled" from behind the curtain into the room again.
+
+"Aldebaran!" she said. "So lovely!"
+
+Simultaneously Diva re-entered with her handkerchief, thwarted and
+disappointed, for she had certainly found nobody either in the boudoir
+or in the dining-room. But there was going to be a sit-down supper, and
+as Boon was not there, she had taken a _marron glace_.
+
+Miss Mapp was flushed with excitement and disgust, and almost forgot
+about Diva's gown.
+
+"Found your hanky, dear?" she said. "Then shall we cut for partners
+again? You and me, Major Benjy. Don't scold me if I play wrong."
+
+She managed to get a seat that commanded a full-face view of the door,
+for the next thing was to see how "the young couple" (as she had already
+labelled them in her sarcastic mind) "looked" when they returned from
+their amorous excursion to the orchid that grew on the lawn. They
+entered, most unfortunately, while she was in the middle of playing a
+complicated hand, and her brain was so switched off from the play by
+their entrance that she completely lost the thread of what she was
+doing, and threw away two tricks that simply required to be gathered up
+by her, but now lurked below Diva's elbow. What made it worse was that
+no trace of emotion, no heightened colour, no coy and downcast eye
+betrayed a hint of what had happened on the lawn. With brazen effrontery
+Susan informed her daughter that Mr. Wyse thought a little
+leaf-mould....
+
+"What a liar!" thought Miss Mapp, and triumphantly put her remaining
+trump on to her dummy's best card. Then she prepared to make the best of
+it.
+
+"We've lost three, I'm afraid, Major Benjy," she said. "Don't you think
+you overbid your hand just a little wee bit?"
+
+"I don't know about that, Miss Elizabeth," said the Major. "If you
+hadn't let those two spades go, and hadn't trumped my best heart----"
+
+Miss Mapp interrupted with her famous patter.
+
+"Oh, but if I had taken the spades," she said quickly, "I should have
+had to lead up to Diva's clubs, and then they would have got the rough
+in diamonds, and I should have never been able to get back into your
+hand again. Then at the end if I hadn't trumped your heart, I should
+have had to lead the losing spade and Diva would have over-trumped; and
+brought in her club, and we should have gone down two more. If you
+follow me, I think you'll agree that I was right to do that. But all
+good players overbid their hands sometimes, Major Benjy. Such fun!"
+
+The supper was unusually ostentatious, but Miss Mapp saw the reason for
+that; it was clear that Susan wanted to impress poor Mr. Wyse with her
+wealth, and probably when it came to settlements, he would learn some
+very unpleasant news. But there were agreeable little circumstances to
+temper her dislike of this extravagant display, for she was hungry, and
+Diva, always a gross feeder, spilt some hot chocolate sauce on the
+crimson-lake, which, if indelible, might supply a solution to the
+problem of what was to be done now about her own frock. She kept an eye,
+too, on Captain Puffin, to see if he showed any signs of improvement in
+the direction she had indicated to him in her interview, and was
+rejoiced to see that one of these glances was clearly the cause of his
+refusing a second glass of port. He had already taken the stopper out of
+the decanter when their eyes met ... and then he put it back again.
+Improvement already!
+
+Everything else (pending the discovery as to whether chocolate on
+crimson-lake spelt ruin) now faded into a middle distance, while the
+affairs of Susan and poor Mr. Wyse occupied the entire foreground of
+Miss Mapp's consciousness. Mean and cunning as Susan's conduct must have
+been in entrapping Mr. Wyse when others had failed to gain his
+affection, Miss Mapp felt that it would be only prudent to continue on
+the most amicable of terms with her, for as future sister-in-law to a
+countess, and wife to the man who by the mere exercise of his presence
+could make Tilling sit up and behave, she would doubtless not hesitate
+about giving Miss Mapp some nasty ones back if retaliation demanded. It
+was dreadful to think that this audacious climber was so soon to belong
+to the Wyses of Whitchurch, but since the moonlight had revealed that
+such was Mr. Wyse's intention, it was best to be friends with the Mammon
+of the British Empire. Poppit-cum-Wyse was likely to be a very important
+centre of social life in Tilling, when not in Scotland or Whitchurch or
+Capri, and Miss Mapp wisely determined that even the announcement of the
+engagement should not induce her to give voice to the very proper
+sentiments which it could not help inspiring.
+
+After all she had done for Susan, in letting the door of high-life in
+Tilling swing open for her when she could not possibly keep it shut any
+longer, it seemed only natural that, if she only kept on good terms with
+her now, Susan would insist that her dear Elizabeth must be the first to
+be told of the engagement. This made her pause before adopting the
+obvious course of setting off immediately after breakfast next morning,
+and telling all her friends, under promise of secrecy, just what she had
+seen in the moonlight last night. Thrilling to the narrator as such an
+announcement would be, it would be even more thrilling, provided only
+that Susan had sufficient sense of decency to tell her of the engagement
+before anybody else, to hurry off to all the others and inform them that
+she had known of it ever since the night of the bridge-party.
+
+It was important, therefore, to be at home whenever there was the
+slightest chance of Susan coming round with her news, and Miss Mapp sat
+at her window the whole of that first morning, so as not to miss her,
+and hardly attended at all to the rest of the pageant of life that moved
+within the radius of her observation. Her heart beat fast when, about
+the middle of the morning, Mr. Wyse came round the dentist's corner, for
+it might be that the bashful Susan had sent him to make the
+announcement, but, if so, he was bashful too, for he walked by her house
+without pause. He looked rather worried, she thought (as well he might),
+and passing on he disappeared round the church corner, clearly on his
+way to his betrothed. He carried a square parcel in his hand, about as
+big as some jewel-case that might contain a tiara. Half an hour
+afterwards, however, he came back, still carrying the tiara. It occurred
+to her that the engagement might have been broken off.... A little
+later, again with a quickened pulse, Miss Mapp saw the Royce lumber down
+from the church corner. It stopped at her house, and she caught a
+glimpse of sables within. This time she felt certain that Susan had come
+with her interesting news, and waited till Withers, having answered the
+door, came to inquire, no doubt, whether she would see Mrs. Poppit. But,
+alas, a minute later the Royce lumbered on, carrying the additional
+weight of the Christmas number of _Punch_, which Miss Mapp had borrowed
+last night and had not, of course, had time to glance at yet.
+
+Anticipation is supposed to be pleasanter than any fulfilment, however
+agreeable, and if that is the case, Miss Mapp during the next day or two
+had more enjoyment than the announcement of fifty engagements could have
+given her, so constantly (when from the garden-room she heard the sound
+of the knocker on her front door) did she spring up in certainty that
+this was Susan, which it never was. But however enjoyable it all might
+be, she appeared to herself at least to be suffering tortures of
+suspense, through which by degrees an idea, painful and revolting in the
+extreme, yet strangely exhilarating, began to insinuate itself into her
+mind. There seemed a deadly probability of the correctness of the
+conjecture, as the week went by without further confirmation of that
+kiss, for, after all, who knew anything about the character and
+antecedents of Susan? As for Mr. Wyse, was he not a constant visitor to
+the fierce and fickle South, where, as everyone knew, morality was
+wholly extinct? And how, if it was all too true, should Tilling treat
+this hitherto unprecedented situation? It was terrible to contemplate
+this moral upheaval, which might prove to be a social upheaval also.
+Time and again, as Miss Mapp vainly waited for news, she was within an
+ace of communicating her suspicions to the Padre. He ought to know, for
+Christmas (as was usual in December) was daily drawing nearer....
+
+There came some half-way through that month a dark and ominous
+afternoon, the rain falling sad and thick, and so unusual a density of
+cloud dwelling in the upper air that by three o'clock Miss Mapp was
+quite unable, until the street lamp at the corner was lit, to carry out
+the minor duty of keeping an eye on the houses of Captain Puffin and
+Major Benjy. The Royce had already lumbered by her door since
+lunch-time, but so dark was it that, peer as she might, it was lost in
+the gloom before it came to the dentist's corner, and Miss Mapp had to
+face the fact that she really did not know whether it had turned into
+the street where Susan's lover lived or had gone straight on. It was
+easier to imagine the worst, and she had already pictured to herself a
+clandestine meeting between those passionate ones, who under cover of
+this darkness were imperviously concealed from any observation (beneath
+an umbrella) from her house-roof. Nothing but a powerful searchlight
+could reveal what was going on in the drawing-room window of Mr. Wyse's
+house, and apart from the fact that she had not got a powerful
+searchlight, it was strongly improbable that anything of a very intimate
+nature was going on there ... it was not likely that they would choose
+the drawing-room window. She thought of calling on Mr. Wyse and asking
+for the loan of a book, so that she would see whether the sables were in
+the hall, but even then she would not really be much further on. Even as
+she considered this a sea-mist began to creep through the street
+outside, and in a few minutes it was blotted from view. Nothing was
+visible, and nothing audible but the hissing of the shrouded rain.
+
+Suddenly from close outside came the sound of a door-knocker imperiously
+plied, which could be no other than her own. Only a telegram or some
+urgent errand could bring anyone out on such a day, and unable to bear
+the suspense of waiting till Withers had answered it, she hurried into
+the house to open the door herself. Was the news of the engagement
+coming to her at last? Late though it was, she would welcome it even
+now, for it would atone, in part at any rate.... It was Diva.
+
+"Diva dear!" said Miss Mapp enthusiastically, for Withers was already in
+the hall. "How sweet of you to come round. Anything special?"
+
+"Yes," said Diva, opening her eyes very wide, and spreading a shower of
+moisture as she whisked off her mackintosh. "She's come."
+
+This could not refer to Susan....
+
+"Who?" asked Miss Mapp.
+
+"Faradiddleony," said Diva.
+
+"No!" said Miss Mapp very loud, so much interested that she quite forgot
+to resent Diva's being the first to have the news. "Let's have a
+comfortable cup of tea in the garden-room. Tea, Withers."
+
+Miss Mapp lit the candles there, for, lost in meditation, she had been
+sitting in the dark, and with reckless hospitality poked the fire to
+make it blaze.
+
+"Tell me all about it," she said. That would be a treat for Diva, who
+was such a gossip.
+
+"Went to the station just now," said Diva. "Wanted a new time-table.
+Besides the Royce had just gone down. Mr. Wyse and Susan on the
+platform."
+
+"Sables?" asked Miss Mapp parenthetically, to complete the picture.
+
+"Swaddled. Talked to them. Train came in. Woman got out. Kissed Mr.
+Wyse. Shook hands with Susan. Both hands. While luggage was got out."
+
+"Much?" asked Miss Mapp quickly.
+
+"Hundreds. Covered with coronets and Fs. Two cabs."
+
+Miss Mapp's mind, on a hot scent, went back to the previous telegraphic
+utterance.
+
+"Both hands did you say, dear?" she asked. "Perhaps that's the Italian
+fashion."
+
+"Maybe. Then what else do you think? Faradiddleony kissed Susan! Mr.
+Wyse and she must be engaged. I can't account for it any other way. He
+must have written to tell his sister. Couldn't have told her then at the
+station. Must have been engaged some days and we never knew. They went
+to look at the orchid. Remember? That was when."
+
+It was bitter, no doubt, but the bitterness could be transmuted into an
+amazing sweetness.
+
+"Then now I can speak," said Miss Mapp with a sigh of great relief. "Oh,
+it has been so hard keeping silence, but I felt I ought to. I knew all
+along, Diva dear, all, all along."
+
+"How?" asked Diva with a fallen crest.
+
+Miss Mapp laughed merrily.
+
+"I looked out of the window, dear, while you went for your hanky and
+peeped into dining-room and boudoir, didn't you? There they were on the
+lawn, and they kissed each other. So I said to myself: 'Dear Susan has
+got him! Perseverance rewarded!'"
+
+"H'm. Only a guess of yours. Or did Susan tell you?"
+
+"No, dear, she said nothing. But Susan was always secretive."
+
+"But they might not have been engaged at all," said Diva with a
+brightened eye. "Man doesn't always marry a woman he kisses!"
+
+Diva had betrayed the lowness of her mind now by hazarding that which
+had for days dwelt in Miss Mapp's mind as almost certain. She drew in
+her breath with a hissing noise as if in pain.
+
+"Darling, what a dreadful suggestion," she said. "No such idea ever
+occurred to me. Secretive I thought Susan might be, but immoral, never.
+I must forget you ever thought that. Let's talk about something less
+painful. Perhaps you would like to tell me more about the Contessa."
+
+Diva had the grace to look ashamed of herself, and to take refuge in the
+new topic so thoughtfully suggested.
+
+"Couldn't see clearly," she said. "So dark. But tall and lean. Sneezed."
+
+"That might happen to anybody, dear," said Miss Mapp, "whether tall or
+short. Nothing more?"
+
+"An eyeglass," said Diva after thought.
+
+"A single one?" asked Miss Mapp. "On a string? How strange for a
+woman."
+
+That seemed positively the last atom of Diva's knowledge, and though
+Miss Mapp tried on the principles of psycho-analysis to disinter
+something she had forgotten, the catechism led to no results whatever.
+But Diva had evidently something else to say, for after finishing her
+tea she whizzed backwards and forwards from window to fireplace with
+little grunts and whistles, as was her habit when she was struggling
+with utterance. Long before it came out, Miss Mapp had, of course,
+guessed what it was. No wonder Diva found difficulty in speaking of a
+matter in which she had behaved so deplorably....
+
+"About that wretched dress," she said at length. "Got it stained with
+chocolate first time I wore it, and neither I nor Janet can get it out."
+
+("Hurrah," thought Miss Mapp.)
+
+"Must have it dyed again," continued Diva. "Thought I'd better tell you.
+Else you might have yours dyed the same colour as mine again.
+Kingfisher-blue to crimson-lake. All came out of Vogue and Mrs. Trout.
+Rather funny, you know, but expensive. You should have seen your face,
+Elizabeth, when you came in to Susan's the other night."
+
+"Should I, dearest?" said Miss Mapp, trembling violently.
+
+"Yes. Wouldn't have gone home with you in the dark for anything.
+Murder."
+
+"Diva dear," said Miss Mapp anxiously, "you've got a mind which likes to
+put the worst construction on everything. If Mr. Wyse kisses his
+intended you think things too terrible for words; if I look surprised
+you think I'm full of hatred and malice. Be more generous, dear. Don't
+put evil constructions on all you see."
+
+"Ho!" said Diva with a world of meaning.
+
+"I don't know what you intend to convey by ho," said Miss Mapp, "and I
+shan't try to guess. But be kinder, darling, and it will make you
+happier. Thinketh no evil, you know! Charity!"
+
+Diva felt that the limit of what was tolerable was reached when
+Elizabeth lectured her on the need of charity, and she would no doubt
+have explained tersely and unmistakably exactly what she meant by "Ho!"
+had not Withers opportunely entered to clear away tea. She brought a
+note with her, which Miss Mapp opened. "Encourage me to hope," were the
+first words that met her eye: Mrs. Poppit had been encouraging him to
+hope again.
+
+"To dine at Mr. Wyse's to-morrow," she said. "No doubt the announcement
+will be made then. He probably wrote it before he went to the station.
+Yes, a few friends. You going, dear?"
+
+Diva instantly got up.
+
+"Think I'll run home and see," she said. "By the by, Elizabeth, what
+about the--the teagown, if I go? You or I?"
+
+"If yours is all covered with chocolate, I shouldn't think you'd like to
+wear it," said Miss Mapp.
+
+"Could tuck it away," said Diva, "just for once. Put flowers. Then send
+it to dyer's. You won't see it again. Not crimson-lake, I mean."
+
+Miss Mapp summoned the whole of her magnanimity. It had been put to a
+great strain already and was tired out, but it was capable of one more
+effort.
+
+"Wear it then," she said. "It'll be a treat to you. But let me know if
+you're not asked. I daresay Mr. Wyse will want to keep it very small.
+Good-bye, dear; I'm afraid you'll get very wet going home."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XI
+
+
+The sea-mist and the rain continued without intermission next morning,
+but shopping with umbrellas and mackintoshes was unusually brisk, for
+there was naturally a universally felt desire to catch sight of a
+Contessa with as little delay as possible. The foggy conditions perhaps
+added to the excitement, for it was not possible to see more than a few
+yards, and thus at any moment anybody might almost run into her. Diva's
+impressions, meagre though they were, had been thoroughly circulated,
+but the morning passed, and the ladies of Tilling went home to change
+their wet things and take a little ammoniated quinine as a precaution
+after so long and chilly an exposure, without a single one of them
+having caught sight of the single eyeglass. It was disappointing, but
+the disappointment was bearable since Mr. Wyse, so far from wanting his
+party to be very small, had been encouraged by Mrs. Poppit to hope that
+it would include all his world of Tilling with one exception. He had
+hopes with regard to the Major and the Captain, and the Padre and wee
+wifie, and Irene and Miss Mapp, and of course Isabel. But apparently he
+despaired of Diva.
+
+She alone therefore was absent from this long, wet shopping, for she
+waited indoors, almost pen in hand, to answer in the affirmative the
+invitation which had at present not arrived. Owing to the thickness of
+the fog, her absence from the street passed unnoticed, for everybody
+supposed that everybody else had seen her, while she, biting her nails
+at home, waited and waited and waited. Then she waited. About a quarter
+past one she gave it up, and duly telephoned, according to promise, via
+Janet and Withers, to Miss Mapp to say that Mr. Wyse had not yet hoped.
+It was very unpleasant to let them know, but if she had herself rung up
+and been answered by Elizabeth, who usually rushed to the telephone, she
+felt that she would sooner have choked than have delivered this message.
+So Janet telephoned and Withers said she would tell her mistress. And
+did.
+
+Miss Mapp was steeped in pleasant conjectures. The most likely of all
+was that the Contessa had seen that roundabout little busybody in the
+station, and taken an instant dislike to her through her single
+eyeglass. Or she might have seen poor Diva inquisitively inspecting the
+luggage with the coronets and the Fs on it, and have learned with pain
+that this was one of the ladies of Tilling. "Algernon," she would have
+said (so said Miss Mapp to herself), "who is that queer little woman? Is
+she going to steal some of my luggage?" And then Algernon would have
+told her that this was poor Diva, quite a decent sort of little body.
+But when it came to Algernon asking his guests for the dinner-party in
+honour of his betrothal and her arrival at Tilling, no doubt the
+Contessa would have said, "Algernon, I beg...." Or if Diva--poor
+Diva--was right in her conjectures that the notes had been written
+before the arrival of the train, it was evident that Algernon had torn
+up the one addressed to Diva, when the Contessa heard whom she was to
+meet the next evening.... Or Susan might easily have insinuated that
+they would have two very pleasant tables of bridge after dinner without
+including Diva, who was so wrong and quarrelsome over the score. Any of
+these explanations were quite satisfactory, and since Diva would not be
+present, Miss Mapp would naturally don the crimson-lake. They would all
+see what crimson-lake looked like when it decked a suitable wearer and
+was not parodied on the other side of a card-table. How true, as dear
+Major Benjy had said, that one woman could wear what another could
+not.... And if there was a woman who could not wear crimson-lake it was
+Diva.... Or was Mr. Wyse really ashamed to let his sister see Diva in
+the crimson-lake? It would be just like him to be considerate of Diva,
+and not permit her to make a guy of herself before the Italian
+aristocracy. No doubt he would ask her to lunch some day, quite quietly.
+Or had ... Miss Mapp bloomed with pretty conjectures, like some Alpine
+meadow when smitten into flower by the spring, and enjoyed her lunch
+very much indeed.
+
+The anxiety and suspense of the morning, which, instead of being
+relieved, had ended in utter gloom, gave Diva a headache, and she
+adopted her usual strenuous methods of getting rid of it. So, instead of
+lying down and taking aspirin and dozing, she set out after lunch to
+walk it off. She sprinted and splashed along the miry roads, indifferent
+as to whether she stepped in puddles or not, and careless how wet she
+got. She bit on the bullet of her omission from the dinner-party this
+evening, determining not to mind one atom about it, but to look forward
+to a pleasant evening at home instead of going out (like this) in the
+wet. And never--never under any circumstances would she ask any of the
+guests what sort of an evening had been spent, how Mr. Wyse announced
+the news, and how the Faradiddleony played bridge. (She said that
+satirical word aloud, mouthing it to the puddles and the dripping
+hedge-rows.) She would not evince the slightest interest in it all; she
+would cover it with spadefuls of oblivion, and when next she met Mr.
+Wyse she would, whatever she might feel, behave exactly as usual. She
+plumed herself on this dignified resolution, and walked so fast that the
+hedge-rows became quite transparent. That was the proper thing to do;
+she had been grossly slighted, and, like a true lady, would be unaware
+of that slight; whereas poor Elizabeth, under such circumstances, would
+have devised a hundred petty schemes for rendering Mr. Wyse's life a
+burden to him. But if--if (she only said "if") she found any reason to
+believe that Susan was at the bottom of this, then probably she would
+think of something worthy not so much of a true lady but of a true
+woman. Without asking any questions, she might easily arrive at
+information which would enable her to identify Susan as the culprit, and
+she would then act in some way which would astonish Susan. What that way
+was she need not think yet, and so she devoted her entire mind to the
+question all the way home.
+
+Feeling better and with her headache quite gone, she arrived in Tilling
+again drenched to the skin. It was already after tea-time, and she
+abandoned tea altogether, and prepared to console herself for her
+exclusion from gaiety with a "good blow-out" in the shape of regular
+dinner, instead of the usual muffin now and a tray later. To add dignity
+to her feast, she put on the crimson-lake tea-gown for the last time
+that it would be crimson-lake (though the same tea-gown still), since
+to-morrow it would be sent to the dyer's to go into perpetual mourning
+for its vanished glories. She had meant to send it to-day, but all this
+misery and anxiety had put it out of her head.
+
+Having dressed thus, to the great astonishment of Janet, she sat down to
+divert her mind from trouble by Patience. As if to reward her for her
+stubborn fortitude, the malignity of the cards relented, and she
+brought out an intricate matter three times running. The clock on her
+mantelpiece chiming a quarter to eight, surprised her with the lateness
+of the hour, and recalled to her with a stab of pain that it was
+dinner-time at Mr. Wyse's, and at this moment some seven pairs of eager
+feet were approaching the door. Well, she was dining at a quarter to
+eight, too; Janet would enter presently to tell her that her own banquet
+was ready, and gathering up her cards, she spent a pleasant though
+regretful minute in looking at herself and the crimson-lake for the last
+time in her long glass. The tremendous walk in the rain had given her an
+almost equally high colour. Janet's foot was heard on the stairs, and
+she turned away from the glass. Janet entered.
+
+"Dinner?" said Diva.
+
+"No, ma'am, the telephone," said Janet. "Mr. Wyse is on the telephone,
+and wants to speak to you very particularly."
+
+"Mr. Wyse himself?" asked Diva, hardly believing her ears, for she knew
+Mr. Wyse's opinion of the telephone.
+
+"Yes, ma'am."
+
+Diva walked slowly, but reflected rapidly. What must have happened was
+that somebody had been taken ill at the last moment--was it
+Elizabeth?--and that he now wanted her to fill the gap.... She was torn
+in two. Passionately as she longed to dine at Mr. Wyse's, she did not
+see how such a course was compatible with dignity. He had only asked her
+to suit his own convenience; it was not out of encouragement to hope
+that he invited her now. No; Mr. Wyse should want. She would say that
+she had friends dining with her; that was what the true lady would do.
+
+She took up the ear-piece and said, "Hullo!"
+
+It was certainly Mr. Wyse's voice that spoke to her, and it seemed to
+tremble with anxiety.
+
+"Dear lady," he began, "a most terrible thing has happened----"
+
+(Wonder if Elizabeth's very ill, thought Diva.)
+
+"Quite terrible," said Mr. Wyse. "Can you hear?"
+
+"Yes," said Diva, hardening her heart.
+
+"By the most calamitous mistake the note which I wrote you yesterday was
+never delivered. Figgis has just found it in the pocket of his overcoat.
+I shall certainly dismiss him unless you plead for him. Can you hear?"
+
+"Yes," said Diva excitedly.
+
+"In it I told you that I had been encouraged to hope that you would dine
+with me to-night. There was such a gratifying response to my other
+invitations that I most culpably and carelessly, dear lady, thought that
+everybody had accepted. Can you hear?"
+
+"Of course I can!" shouted Diva.
+
+"Well, I come on my knees to you. Can you possibly forgive the joint
+stupidity of Figgis and me, and honour me after all? We will put dinner
+off, of course. At what time, in case you are ever so kind and indulgent
+as to come, shall we have it? Do not break my heart by refusing.
+Su--Mrs. Poppit will send her car for you."
+
+"I have already dressed for dinner," said Diva proudly. "Very pleased to
+come at once."
+
+"You are too kind; you are angelic," said Mr. Wyse. "The car shall start
+at once; it is at my door now."
+
+"Right," said Diva.
+
+"Too good--too kind," murmured Mr. Wyse. "Figgis, what do I do next?"
+
+Diva clapped the instrument into place.
+
+"Powder," she said to herself, remembering what she had seen in the
+glass, and whizzed upstairs. Her fish would have to be degraded into
+kedgeree, though plaice would have done just as well as sole for that;
+the cutlets could be heated up again, and perhaps the whisking for the
+apple-meringue had not begun yet, and could still be stopped.
+
+"Janet!" she shouted. "Going out to dinner! Stop the meringue."
+
+She dashed an interesting pallor on to her face as she heard the hooting
+of the Royce, and coming downstairs, stepped into its warm
+luxuriousness, for the electric lamp was burning. There were Susan's
+sables there--it was thoughtful of Susan to put them in, but
+ostentatious--and there was a carriage rug, which she was convinced was
+new, and was very likely a present from Mr. Wyse. And soon there was the
+light streaming out from Mr. Wyse's open door, and Mr. Wyse himself in
+the hall to meet and greet and thank and bless her. She pleaded for the
+contrite Figgis, and was conducted in a blaze of triumph into the
+drawing-room, where all Tilling was awaiting her. She was led up to the
+Contessa, with whom Miss Mapp, wreathed in sycophantic smiles, was
+eagerly conversing.
+
+The crimson-lakes....
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There were embarrassing moments during dinner; the Contessa confused by
+having so many people introduced to her in a lump, got all their names
+wrong, and addressed her neighbours as Captain Flint and Major Puffin,
+and thought that Diva was Mrs. Mapp. She seemed vivacious and
+good-humoured, dropped her eye-glass into her soup, talked with her
+mouth full, and drank a good deal of wine, which was a very bad example
+for Major Puffin. Then there were many sudden and complete pauses in the
+talk, for Diva's news of the kissing of Mrs. Poppit by the Contessa had
+spread like wildfire through the fog this morning, owing to Miss Mapp's
+dissemination of it, and now, whenever Mr. Wyse raised his voice ever so
+little, everybody else stopped talking, in the expectation that the news
+was about to be announced. Occasionally, also, the Contessa addressed
+some remark to her brother in shrill and voluble Italian, which rather
+confirmed the gloomy estimate of her table-manners in the matter of
+talking with her mouth full, for to speak in Italian was equivalent to
+whispering, since the purport of what she said could not be understood
+by anybody except him.... Then also, the sensation of dining with a
+countess produced a slight feeling of strain, which, in addition to the
+correct behaviour which Mr. Wyse's presence always induced, almost
+congealed correctness into stiffness. But as dinner went on her evident
+enjoyment of herself made itself felt, and her eccentricities, though
+carefully observed and noted by Miss Mapp, were not succeeded by
+silences and hurried bursts of conversation.
+
+"And is your ladyship making a long stay in Tilling?" asked the (real)
+Major, to cover the pause which had been caused by Mr. Wyse saying
+something across the table to Isabel.
+
+She dropped her eye-glass with quite a splash into her gravy, pulled it
+out again by the string as if landing a fish and sucked it.
+
+"That depends on you gentlemen," she said with greater audacity than was
+usual in Tilling. "If you and Major Puffin and that sweet little Scotch
+clergyman all fall in love with me, and fight duels about me, I will
+stop for ever...."
+
+The Major recovered himself before anybody else.
+
+"Your ladyship may take that for granted," he said gallantly, and a
+perfect hubbub of conversation rose to cover this awful topic.
+
+She laid her hand on his arm.
+
+"You must not call me ladyship, Captain Flint," she said. "Only servants
+say that. Contessa, if you like. And you must blow away this fog for me.
+I have seen nothing but bales of cotton-wool out of the window. Tell me
+this, too: why are those ladies dressed alike? Are they sisters? Mrs.
+Mapp, the little round one, and her sister, the big round one?"
+
+The Major cast an apprehensive eye on Miss Mapp seated just opposite,
+whose acuteness of hearing was one of the terrors of Tilling.... His
+apprehensions were perfectly well founded, and Miss Mapp hated and
+despised the Contessa from that hour.
+
+"No, not sisters," said he, "and your la--you've made a little error
+about the names. The one opposite is Miss Mapp, the other Mrs.
+Plaistow."
+
+The Contessa moderated her voice.
+
+"I see; she looks vexed, your Miss Mapp. I think she must have heard,
+and I will be very nice to her afterwards. Why does not one of you
+gentlemen marry her? I see I shall have to arrange that. The sweet
+little Scotch clergyman now; little men like big wives. Ah! Married
+already is he to the mouse? Then it must be you, Captain Flint. We must
+have more marriages in Tilling."
+
+Miss Mapp could not help glancing at the Contessa, as she made this
+remarkable observation. It must be the cue, she thought, for the
+announcement of that which she had known so long.... In the space of a
+wink the clever Contessa saw that she had her attention, and spoke
+rather loudly to the Major.
+
+"I have lost my heart to your Miss Mapp," she said. "I am jealous of
+you, Captain Flint. She will be my great friend in Tilling, and if you
+marry her, I shall hate you, for that will mean that she likes you
+best."
+
+Miss Mapp hated nobody at that moment, not even Diva, off whose face the
+hastily-applied powder was crumbling, leaving little red marks peeping
+out like the stars on a fine evening. Dinner came to an end with roasted
+chestnuts brought by the Contessa from Capri.
+
+"I always scold Amelia for the luggage she takes with her," said Mr.
+Wyse to Diva. "Amelia dear, you are my hostess to-night"--everybody saw
+him look at Mrs. Poppit--"you must catch somebody's eye."
+
+"I will catch Miss Mapp's," said Amelia, and all the ladies rose as if
+connected with some hidden mechanism which moved them simultaneously....
+There was a great deal of pretty diffidence at the door, but the
+Contessa put an end to that.
+
+"Eldest first," she said, and marched out, making Miss Mapp, Diva and
+the mouse feel remarkably young. She might drop her eye-glass and talk
+with her mouth full, but really such tact.... They all determined to
+adopt this pleasing device in the future. The disappointment about the
+announcement of the engagement was sensibly assuaged, and Miss Mapp and
+Susan, in their eagerness to be younger than the Contessa, and yet take
+precedence of all the rest, almost stuck in the doorway. They rebounded
+from each other, and Diva whizzed out between them. Quaint Irene went
+in her right place--last. However quaint Irene was, there was no use in
+pretending that she was not the youngest.
+
+However hopelessly Amelia had lost her heart to Miss Mapp, she did not
+devote her undivided attention to her in the drawing-room, but swiftly
+established herself at the card-table, where she proceeded, with a most
+complicated sort of Patience and a series of cigarettes, to while away
+the time till the gentlemen joined them. Though the ladies of Tilling
+had plenty to say to each other, it was all about her, and such comments
+could not conveniently be made in her presence. Unless, like her, they
+talked some language unknown to the subject of their conversation, they
+could not talk at all, and so they gathered round her table, and watched
+the lightning rapidity with which she piled black knaves on red queens
+in some packs and red knaves on black queens in others. She had taken
+off all her rings in order to procure a greater freedom of finger, and
+her eye-glass continued to crash on to a glittering mass of magnificent
+gems. The rapidity of her motions was only equalled by the swift and
+surprising monologue that poured from her mouth.
+
+"There, that odious king gets in my way," she said. "So like a man to
+poke himself in where he isn't wanted. _Bacco!_ No, not that: I have a
+cigarette. I hear all you ladies are terrific bridge-players: we will
+have a game presently, and I shall sink into the earth with terror at
+your Camorra! _Dio!_ there's another king, and that's his own queen whom
+he doesn't want at all. He is _amoroso_ for that black queen, who is
+quite covered up, and he would like to be covered up with her. Susan, my
+dear" (that was interesting, but they all knew it already), "kindly
+ring the bell for coffee. I expire if I do not get my coffee at once,
+and a toothpick. Tell me all the scandal of Tilling, Miss Mapp, while I
+play--all the dreadful histories of that Major and that Captain. Such a
+grand air has the Captain--no, it is the Major, the one who does not
+limp. Which of all you ladies do they love most? It is Miss Mapp, I
+believe: that is why she does not answer me. Ah! here is the coffee, and
+the other king: three lumps of sugar, dear Susan, and then stir it up
+well, and hold it to my mouth, so that I can drink without interruption.
+Ah, the ace! He is the intervener, or is it the King's Proctor? It would
+be nice to have a proctor who told you all the love-affairs that were
+going on. Susan, you must get me a proctor: you shall be my proctor. And
+here are the men--the wretches, they have been preferring wine to women,
+and we will have our bridge, and if anybody scolds me, I shall cry, Miss
+Mapp, and Captain Flint will hold my hand and comfort me."
+
+She gathered up a heap of cards and rings, dropped them on the floor,
+and cut with the remainder.
+
+Miss Mapp was very lenient with the Contessa, who was her partner, and
+pointed out the mistakes of her and their adversaries with the most
+winning smile and eagerness to explain things clearly. Then she revoked
+heavily herself, and the Contessa, so far from being angry with her,
+burst into peals of unquenchable merriment. This way of taking a revoke
+was new to Tilling, for the right thing was for the revoker's partner to
+sulk and be sarcastic for at least twenty minutes after. The Contessa's
+laughter continued to spurt out at intervals during the rest of the
+rubber, and it was all very pleasant; but at the end she said she was
+not up to Tilling standards at all, and refused to play any more. Miss
+Mapp, in the highest good-humour, urged her not to despair.
+
+"Indeed, dear Contessa," she said, "you play very well. A little
+overbidding of your hand, perhaps, do you think? but that is a tendency
+we are all subject to: I often overbid my hand myself. Not a little wee
+rubber more? I'm sure I should like to be your partner again. You must
+come and play at my house some afternoon. We will have tea early, and
+get a good two hours. Nothing like practice."
+
+The evening came to an end without the great announcement being made,
+but Miss Mapp, as she reviewed the events of the party, sitting next
+morning in her observation-window, found the whole evidence so
+overwhelming that it was no longer worth while to form conjectures,
+however fruitful, on the subject, and she diverted her mind to pleasing
+reminiscences and projects for the future. She had certainly been
+distinguished by the Contessa's marked regard, and her opinion of her
+charm and ability was of the very highest.... No doubt her strange
+remark about duelling at dinner had been humorous in intention, but many
+a true word is spoken in jest, and the Contessa--perspicacious
+woman--had seen at once that Major Benjy and Captain Puffin were just
+the sort of men who might get to duelling (or, at any rate, challenging)
+about a woman. And her asking which of the ladies the men were most in
+love with, and her saying that she believed it was Miss Mapp! Miss Mapp
+had turned nearly as red as poor Diva when that came out, so lightly and
+yet so acutely....
+
+Diva! It had, of course, been a horrid blow to find that Diva had been
+asked to Mr. Wyse's party in the first instance, and an even shrewder
+one when Diva entered (with such unnecessary fussing and apology on the
+part of Mr. Wyse) in the crimson-lake. Luckily, it would be seen no
+more, for Diva had promised--if you could trust Diva--to send it to the
+dyer's; but it was a great puzzle to know why Diva had it on at all, if
+she was preparing to spend a solitary evening at home. By eight o'clock
+she ought by rights to have already had her tray, dressed in some old
+thing; but within three minutes of her being telephoned for she had
+appeared in the crimson-lake, and eaten so heartily that it was
+impossible to imagine, greedy though she was, that she had already
+consumed her tray.... But in spite of Diva's adventitious triumph, the
+main feeling in Miss Mapp's mind was pity for her. She looked so
+ridiculous in that dress with the powder peeling off her red face. No
+wonder the dear Contessa stared when she came in.
+
+There was her bridge-party for the Contessa to consider. The Contessa
+would be less nervous, perhaps, if there was only one table: that would
+be more homey and cosy, and it would at the same time give rise to great
+heart-burnings and indignation in the breasts of those who were left
+out. Diva would certainly be one of the spurned, and the Contessa would
+not play with Mr. Wyse.... Then there was Major Benjy, he must certainly
+be asked, for it was evident that the Contessa delighted in him....
+
+Suddenly Miss Mapp began to feel less sure that Major Benjy must be of
+the party. The Contessa, charming though she was, had said several very
+tropical, Italian things to him. She had told him that she would stop
+here for ever if the men fought duels about her. She had said "you dear
+darling" to him at bridge when, as adversary, he failed to trump her
+losing card, and she had asked him to ask her to tea ("with no one else,
+for I have a great deal to say to you"), when the general macedoine of
+sables, au reservoirs, and thanks for such a nice evening took place in
+the hall. Miss Mapp was not, in fact, sure, when she thought it over,
+that the Contessa was a nice friend for Major Benjy. She did not do him
+the injustice of imagining that he would ask her to tea alone; the very
+suggestion proved that it must be a piece of the Contessa's Southern
+extravagance of expression. But, after all, thought Miss Mapp to
+herself, as she writhed at the idea, her other extravagant expressions
+were proved to cover a good deal of truth. In fact, the Major's chance
+of being asked to the select bridge-party diminished swiftly towards
+vanishing point.
+
+It was time (and indeed late) to set forth on morning marketings, and
+Miss Mapp had already determined not to carry her capacious basket with
+her to-day, in case of meeting the Contessa in the High Street. It would
+be grander and Wysier and more magnificent to go basket-less, and direct
+that the goods should be sent up, rather than run the risk of
+encountering the Contessa with a basket containing a couple of mutton
+cutlets, a ball of wool and some tooth-powder. So she put on her Prince
+of Wales's cloak, and, postponing further reflection over the
+bridge-party till a less busy occasion, set forth in unencumbered
+gentility for the morning gossip. At the corner of the High Street, she
+ran into Diva.
+
+"News," said Diva. "Met Mr. Wyse just now. Engaged to Susan. All over
+the town by now. Everybody knows. Oh, there's the Padre for the first
+time."
+
+She shot across the street, and Miss Mapp, shaking the dust of Diva off
+her feet, proceeded on her chagrined way. Annoyed as she was with Diva,
+she was almost more annoyed with Susan. After all she had done for
+Susan, Susan ought to have told her long ago, pledging her to secrecy.
+But to be told like this by that common Diva, without any secrecy at
+all, was an affront that she would find it hard to forgive Susan for.
+She mentally reduced by a half the sum that she had determined to
+squander on Susan's wedding-present. It should be plated, not silver,
+and if Susan was not careful, it shouldn't be plated at all.
+
+She had just come out of the chemist's, after an indignant interview
+about precipitated chalk. He had deposited the small packet on the
+counter, when she asked to have it sent up to her house. He could not
+undertake to deliver small packages. She left the precipitated chalk
+lying there. Emerging, she heard a loud, foreign sort of scream from
+close at hand. There was the Contessa, all by herself, carrying a
+marketing basket of unusual size and newness. It contained a bloody
+steak and a crab.
+
+"But where is your basket, Miss Mapp?" she exclaimed. "Algernon told me
+that all the great ladies of Tilling went marketing in the morning with
+big baskets, and that if I aspired to be _du monde_, I must have my
+basket, too. It is the greatest fun, and I have already written to Cecco
+to say I am just going marketing with my basket. Look, the steak is for
+Figgis, and the crab is for Algernon and me, if Figgis does not get it.
+But why are you not _du monde_? Are you _du demi-monde_, Miss Mapp?"
+
+She gave a croak of laughter and tickled the crab....
+
+"Will he eat the steak, do you think?" she went on. "Is he not lively? I
+went to the shop of Mr. Hopkins, who was not there, because he was
+engaged with Miss Coles. And was that not Miss Coles last night at my
+brother's? The one who spat in the fire when nobody but I was looking?
+You are enchanting at Tilling. What is Mr. Hopkins doing with Miss
+Coles? Do they kiss? But your market basket: that disappoints me, for
+Algernon said you had the biggest market-basket of all. I bought the
+biggest I could find: is it as big as yours?"
+
+Miss Mapp's head was in a whirl. The Contessa said in the loudest
+possible voice all that everybody else only whispered; she displayed (in
+her basket) all that everybody else covered up with thick layers of
+paper. If Miss Mapp had only guessed that the Contessa would have a
+market-basket, she would have paraded the High Street with a leg of
+mutton protruding from one end and a pair of Wellington boots from the
+other.... But who could have suspected that a Contessa....
+
+Black thoughts succeeded. Was it possible that Mr. Wyse had been
+satirical about the affairs of Tilling? If so, she wished him nothing
+worse than to be married to Susan. But a playful face must be put, for
+the moment, on the situation.
+
+"Too lovely of you, dear Contessa," she said. "May we go marketing
+together to-morrow, and we will measure the size of our baskets? Such
+fun I have, too, laughing at the dear people in Tilling. But what
+thrilling news this morning about our sweet Susan and your dear brother,
+though of course I knew it long ago."
+
+"Indeed! how was that?" said the Contessa quite sharply.
+
+Miss Mapp was "nettled" at her tone.
+
+"Oh, you must allow me two eyes," she said, since it was merely tedious
+to explain how she had seen them from behind a curtain kissing in the
+garden. "Just two eyes."
+
+"And a nose for scent," remarked the Contessa very genially.
+
+This was certainly coarse, though probably Italian. Miss Mapp's opinion
+of the Contessa fluctuated violently like a barometer before a storm and
+indicated "Changeable."
+
+"Dear Susan is such an intimate friend," she said.
+
+The Contessa looked at her very fixedly for a moment, and then appeared
+to dismiss the matter.
+
+"My crab, my steak," she said. "And where does your nice Captain, no,
+Major Flint live? I have a note to leave on him, for he has asked me to
+tea all alone, to see his tiger skins. He is going to be my flirt while
+I am in Tilling, and when I go he will break his heart, but I will have
+told him who can mend it again."
+
+"Dear Major Benjy!" said Miss Mapp, at her wits' end to know how to deal
+with so feather-tongued a lady. "What a treat it will be to him to have
+you to tea. To-day, is it?"
+
+The Contessa quite distinctly winked behind her eyeglass, which she had
+put up to look at Diva, who whirled by on the other side of the street.
+
+"And if I said 'To-day,'" she remarked, "you would--what is it that that
+one says"--and she indicated Diva--"yes, you would pop in, and the good
+Major would pay no attention to me. So if I tell you I shall go to-day,
+you will know that is a lie, you clever Miss Mapp, and so you will go to
+tea with him to-morrow and find me there. _Bene!_ Now where is his
+house?"
+
+This was a sort of scheming that had never entered into Miss Mapp's
+life, and she saw with pain how shallow she had been all these years.
+Often and often she had, when inquisitive questions were put her,
+answered them without any strict subservience to truth, but never had
+she thought of confusing the issues like this. If she told Diva a lie,
+Diva probably guessed it was a lie, and acted accordingly, but she had
+never thought of making it practically impossible to tell whether it was
+a lie or not. She had no more idea when she walked back along the High
+Street with the Contessa swinging her basket by her side, whether that
+lady was going to tea with Major Benjy to-day or to-morrow or when, than
+she knew whether the crab was going to eat the beefsteak.
+
+"There's his house," she said, as they paused at the dentist's corner,
+"and there's mine next it, with the little bow-window of my garden-room
+looking out on to the street. I hope to welcome you there, dear
+Contessa, for a tiny game of bridge and some tea one of these days very
+soon. What day do you think? To-morrow?"
+
+(Then she would know if the Contessa was going to tea with Major Benjy
+to-morrow ... unfortunately the Contessa appeared to know that she would
+know it, too.)
+
+"My flirt!" she said. "Perhaps I may be having tea with my flirt
+to-morrow."
+
+Better anything than that.
+
+"I will ask him, too, to meet you," said Miss Mapp, feeling in some
+awful and helpless way that she was playing her adversary's game.
+"Adversary?" did she say to herself? She did. The inscrutable Contessa
+was "up to" that too.
+
+"I will not amalgamate my treats," she said. "So that is his house! What
+a charming house! How my heart flutters as I ring the bell!"
+
+Miss Mapp was now quite distraught. There was the possibility that the
+Contessa might tell Major Benjy that it was time he married, but on the
+other hand she was making arrangements to go to tea with him on an
+unknown date, and the hero of amorous adventures in India and elsewhere
+might lose his heart again to somebody quite different from one whom he
+could hope to marry. By daylight the dear Contessa was undeniably plain:
+that was something, but in these short days, tea would be conducted by
+artificial light, and by artificial light she was not so like a rabbit.
+What was worse was that by any light she had a liveliness which might be
+mistaken for wit, and a flattering manner which might be taken for
+sincerity. She hoped men were not so easily duped as that, and was sadly
+afraid that they were. Blind fools!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The number of visits that Miss Mapp made about tea-time in this week
+before Christmas to the post-box at the corner of the High Street, with
+an envelope in her hand containing Mr. Hopkins's bill for fish (and a
+postal order enclosed), baffles computation. Naturally, she did not
+intend, either by day or night, to risk being found again with a blank
+unstamped envelope in her hand, and the one enclosing Mr. Hopkins's bill
+and the postal order would have passed scrutiny for correctness,
+anywhere. But fair and calm as was the exterior of that envelope, none
+could tell how agitated was the hand that carried it backwards and
+forwards until the edges got crumpled and the inscription clouded with
+much fingering. Indeed, of all the tricks that Miss Mapp had compassed
+for others, none was so sumptuously contrived as that in which she had
+now entangled herself.
+
+For these December days were dark, and in consequence not only would the
+Contessa be looking her best (such as it was) at tea-time, but from Miss
+Mapp's window it was impossible to tell whether she had gone to tea with
+him on any particular afternoon, for there had been a strike at the
+gas-works, and the lamp at the corner, which, in happier days, would
+have told all, told nothing whatever. Miss Mapp must therefore trudge to
+the letter-box with Mr. Hopkins's bill in her hand as she went out, and
+(after a feint of posting it) with it in her pocket as she came back, in
+order to gather from the light in the windows, from the sound of
+conversation that would be audible as she passed close beneath them,
+whether the Major was having tea there or not, and with whom. Should she
+hear that ringing laugh which had sounded so pleasant when she revoked,
+but now was so sinister, she had quite determined to go in and borrow a
+book or a tiger-skin--anything. The Major could scarcely fail to ask her
+to tea, and, once there, wild horses should not drag her away until she
+had outstayed the other visitor. Then, as her malady of jealousy grew
+more feverish, she began to perceive, as by the ray of some dreadful
+dawn, that lights in the Major's room and sounds of elfin laughter were
+not completely trustworthy as proofs that the Contessa was there. It was
+possible, awfully possible, that the two might be sitting in the
+firelight, that voices might be hushed to amorous whisperings, that
+pregnant smiles might be taking the place of laughter. On one such
+afternoon, as she came back from the letter-box with patient Mr.
+Hopkins's overdue bill in her pocket, a wild certainty seized her, when
+she saw how closely the curtains were drawn, and how still it seemed
+inside his room, that firelight dalliance was going on.
+
+She rang the bell, and imagined she heard whisperings inside while it
+was being answered. Presently the light went up in the hall, and the
+Major's Mrs. Dominic opened the door.
+
+"The Major is in, I think, isn't he, Mrs. Dominic?" said Miss Mapp, in
+her most insinuating tones.
+
+"No, miss; out," said Dominic uncompromisingly. (Miss Mapp wondered if
+Dominic drank.)
+
+"Dear me! How tiresome, when he told me----" said she, with playful
+annoyance. "Would you be very kind, Mrs. Dominic, and just see for
+certain that he is not in his room? He may have come in."
+
+"No, miss, he's out," said Dominic, with the parrot-like utterance of
+the determined liar. "Any message?"
+
+Miss Mapp turned away, more certain than ever that he was in and
+immersed in dalliance. She would have continued to be quite certain
+about it, had she not, glancing distractedly down the street, caught
+sight of him coming up with Captain Puffin.
+
+Meantime she had twice attempted to get up a cosy little party of four
+(so as not to frighten the Contessa) to play bridge from tea till
+dinner, and on both occasions the Faradiddleony (for so she had become)
+was most unfortunately engaged. But the second of these disappointing
+replies contained the hope that they would meet at their marketings
+to-morrow morning, and though poor Miss Mapp was really getting very
+tired with these innumerable visits to the post-box, whether wet or
+fine, she set forth next morning with the hopes anyhow of finding out
+whether the Contessa had been to tea with Major Flint, or on what day
+she was going.... There she was, just opposite the post office, and
+there--oh, shame!--was Major Benjy on his way to the tram, in
+light-hearted conversation with her. It was a slight consolation that
+Captain Puffin was there too.
+
+Miss Mapp quickened her steps to a little tripping run.
+
+"Dear Contessa, so sorry I am late," she said. "Such a lot of little
+things to do this morning. (Major Benjy! Captain Puffin!) Oh, how
+naughty of you to have begun your shopping without me!"
+
+"Only been to the grocer's," said the Contessa. "Major Benjy has been so
+amusing that I haven't got on with my shopping at all. I have written to
+Cecco to say that there is no one so witty."
+
+(Major Benjy! thought Miss Mapp bitterly, remembering how long it had
+taken her to arrive at that. "And witty." She had not arrived at that
+yet.)
+
+"No, indeed!" said the Major. "It was the Contessa, Miss Mapp, who has
+been so entertaining."
+
+"I'm sure she would be," said Miss Mapp, with an enormous smile. "And,
+oh, Major Benjy, you'll miss your tram unless you hurry, and get no golf
+at all, and then be vexed with us for keeping you. You men always blame
+us poor women."
+
+"Well, upon my word, what's a game of golf compared with the pleasure of
+being with the ladies?" asked the Major, with a great fat bow.
+
+"I want to catch that tram," said Puffin quite distinctly, and Miss Mapp
+found herself more nearly forgetting his inebriated insults than ever
+before.
+
+"You poor Captain Puffin," said the Contessa, "you shall catch it. Be
+off, both of you, at once. I will not say another word to either of you.
+I will never forgive you if you miss it. But to-morrow afternoon, Major
+Benjy."
+
+He turned round to bow again, and a bicycle luckily (for the rider)
+going very slowly, butted softly into him behind.
+
+"Not hurt?" called the Contessa. "Good! Ah, Miss Mapp, let us get to our
+shopping! How well you manage those men! How right you are about them!
+They want their golf more than they want us, whatever they may say. They
+would hate us, if we kept them from their golf. So sorry not to have
+been able to play bridge with you yesterday, but an engagement. What a
+busy place Tilling is. Let me see! Where is the list of things that
+Figgis told me to buy? That Figgis! A roller-towel for his pantry, and
+some blacking for his boots, and some flannel I suppose for his fat
+stomach. It is all for Figgis. And there is that swift Mrs. Plaistow.
+She comes like a train with a red light in her face and wheels and
+whistlings. She talks like a telegram--Good-morning, Mrs. Plaistow."
+
+"Enjoyed my game of bridge, Contessa," panted Diva. "Delightful game of
+bridge yesterday."
+
+The Contessa seemed in rather a hurry to reply. But long before she
+could get a word out Miss Mapp felt she knew what had happened....
+
+"So pleased," said the Contessa quickly. "And now for Figgis's towels,
+Miss Mapp. Ten and sixpence apiece, he says. What a price to give for a
+towel! But I learn housekeeping like this, and Cecco will delight in all
+the economies I shall make. Quick, to the draper's, lest there should be
+no towels left."
+
+In spite of Figgis's list, the Contessa's shopping was soon over, and
+Miss Mapp having seen her as far as the corner, walked on, as if to her
+own house, in order to give her time to get to Mr. Wyse's, and then fled
+back to the High Street. The suspense was unbearable: she had to know
+without delay when and where Diva and the Contessa had played bridge
+yesterday. Never had her eye so rapidly scanned the movement of
+passengers in that entrancing thoroughfare in order to pick Diva out,
+and learn from her precisely what had happened.... There she was, coming
+out of the dyer's with her basket completely filled by a bulky package,
+which it needed no ingenuity to identify as the late crimson-lake. She
+would have to be pleasant with Diva, for much as that perfidious woman
+might enjoy telling her where this furtive bridge-party had taken place,
+she might enjoy even more torturing her with uncertainty. Diva could, if
+put to it, give no answer whatever to a direct question, but, skilfully
+changing the subject, talk about something utterly different.
+
+"The crimson-lake," said Miss Mapp, pointing to the basket. "Hope it
+will turn out well, dear."
+
+There was rather a wicked light in Diva's eyes.
+
+"Not crimson-lake," she said. "Jet-black."
+
+"Sweet of you to have it dyed again, dear Diva," said Miss Mapp. "Not
+very expensive, I trust?"
+
+"Send the bill in to you, if you like," said Diva.
+
+Miss Mapp laughed very pleasantly.
+
+"That would be a good joke," she said. "How nice it is that the dear
+Contessa takes so warmly to our Tilling ways. So amusing she was about
+the commissions Figgis had given her. But a wee bit satirical, do you
+think?"
+
+This ought to put Diva in a good temper, for there was nothing she liked
+so much as a few little dabs at somebody else. (Diva was not very
+good-natured.)
+
+"She is rather satirical," said Diva.
+
+"Oh, tell me some of her amusing little speeches!" said Miss Mapp
+enthusiastically. "I can't always follow her, but you are so quick! A
+little coarse too, at times, isn't she? What she said the other night
+when she was playing Patience, about the queens and kings, wasn't
+quite--was it? And the toothpick."
+
+"Yes. Toothpick," said Diva.
+
+"Perhaps she has bad teeth," said Miss Mapp; "it runs in families, and
+Mr. Wyse's, you know--We're lucky, you and I."
+
+Diva maintained a complete silence, and they had now come nearly as far
+as her door. If she would not give the information that she knew Miss
+Mapp longed for, she must be asked for it, with the uncertain hope that
+she would give it then.
+
+"Been playing bridge lately, dear?" asked Miss Mapp.
+
+"Quite lately," said Diva.
+
+"I thought I heard you say something about it to the Contessa.
+Yesterday, was it? Whom did you play with?"
+
+Diva paused, and, when they had come quite to her door, made up her
+mind.
+
+"Contessa, Susan, Mr. Wyse, me," she said.
+
+"But I thought she never played with Mr. Wyse," said Miss Mapp.
+
+"Had to get a four," said Diva. "Contessa wanted her bridge. Nobody
+else."
+
+She popped into her house.
+
+There is no use in describing Miss Mapp's state of mind, except by
+saying that for the moment she quite forgot that the Contessa was almost
+certainly going to tea with Major Benjy to-morrow.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XII
+
+
+"Peace on earth and mercy mild," sang Miss Mapp, holding her head back
+with her uvula clearly visible. She sat in her usual seat close below
+the pulpit, and the sun streaming in through a stained glass window
+opposite made her face of all colours, like Joseph's coat. Not knowing
+how it looked from outside, she pictured to herself a sort of celestial
+radiance coming from within, though Diva, sitting opposite, was
+reminded of the iridescent hues observable on cold boiled beef. But
+then, Miss Mapp had registered the fact that Diva's notion of singing
+alto was to follow the trebles at the uniform distance of a minor third
+below, so that matters were about square between them. She wondered
+between the verses if she could say something very tactful to Diva,
+which might before next Christmas induce her not to make that noise....
+
+Major Flint came in just before the first hymn was over, and held his
+top-hat before his face by way of praying in secret, before he opened
+his hymn-book. A piece of loose holly fell down from the window ledge
+above him on the exact middle of his head, and the jump that he gave
+was, considering his baldness, quite justifiable. Captain Puffin, Miss
+Mapp was sorry to see, was not there at all. But he had been unwell
+lately with attacks of dizziness, one of which had caused him, in the
+last game of golf that he had played, to fall down on the eleventh green
+and groan. If these attacks were not due to his lack of perseverance, no
+right-minded person could fail to be very sorry for him.
+
+There was a good deal more peace on earth as regards Tilling than might
+have been expected considering what the week immediately before
+Christmas had been like. A picture by Miss Coles (who had greatly
+dropped out of society lately, owing to her odd ways) called "Adam,"
+which was certainly Mr. Hopkins (though no one could have guessed) had
+appeared for sale in the window of a dealer in pictures and curios, but
+had been withdrawn from public view at Miss Mapp's personal intercession
+and her revelation of whom, unlikely as it sounded, the picture
+represented. The unchivalrous dealer had told the artist the history of
+its withdrawal, and it had come to Miss Mapp's ears (among many other
+things) that quaint Irene had imitated the scene of intercession with
+such piercing fidelity that her servant, Lucy-Eve, had nearly died of
+laughing. Then there had been clandestine bridge at Mr. Wyse's house on
+three consecutive days, and on none of these occasions was Miss Mapp
+asked to continue the instruction which she had professed herself
+perfectly willing to give to the Contessa. The Contessa, in fact--there
+seemed to be no doubt about it--had declared that she would sooner not
+play bridge at all than play with Miss Mapp, because the effort of not
+laughing would put an un-warrantable strain on those muscles which
+prevented you from doing so.... Then the Contessa had gone to tea quite
+alone with Major Benjy, and though her shrill and senseless monologue
+was clearly audible in the street as Miss Mapp went by to post her
+letter again, the Major's Dominic had stoutly denied that he was in, and
+the notion that the Contessa was haranguing all by herself in his
+drawing-room was too ridiculous to be entertained for a moment.... And
+Diva's dyed dress had turned out so well that Miss Mapp gnashed her
+teeth at the thought that she had not had hers dyed instead. With some
+green chiffon round the neck, even Diva looked quite distinguished--for
+Diva.
+
+Then, quite suddenly, an angel of Peace had descended on the distracted
+garden-room, for the Poppits, the Contessa and Mr. Wyse all went away to
+spend Christmas and the New Year with the Wyses of Whitchurch. It was
+probable that the Contessa would then continue a round of visits with
+all that coroneted luggage, and leave for Italy again without revisiting
+Tilling. She had behaved as if that was the case, for taking advantage
+of a fine afternoon, she had borrowed the Royce and whirled round the
+town on a series of calls, leaving P.P.C. cards everywhere, and saying
+only (so Miss Mapp gathered from Withers) "Your mistress not in? So
+sorry," and had driven away before Withers could get out the information
+that her mistress was very much in, for she had a bad cold.
+
+But there were the P.P.C. cards, and the Wyses with their future
+connections were going to Whitchurch, and after a few hours of rage
+against all that had been going on, without revenge being now possible,
+and of reaction after the excitement of it, a different reaction set in.
+Odd and unlikely as it would have appeared a month or two earlier, when
+Tilling was seething with duels, it was a fact that it was possible to
+have too much excitement. Ever since the Contessa had arrived, she had
+been like an active volcano planted down among dangerously inflammable
+elements, and the removal of it was really a matter of relief. Miss Mapp
+felt that she would be dealing again with materials whose properties she
+knew, and since, no doubt, the strain of Susan's marriage would soon
+follow, it was a merciful dispensation that the removal of the volcano
+granted Tilling a short restorative pause. The young couple would be
+back before long, and with Susan's approaching elevation certainly going
+to her head, and making her talk in a manner wholly intolerable about
+the grandeur of the Wyses of Whitchurch, it was a boon to be allowed to
+recuperate for a little, before settling to work afresh to combat
+Susan's pretensions. There was no fear of being dull: for plenty of
+things had been going on in Tilling before the Contessa flared on the
+High Street, and plenty of things would continue to go on after she had
+taken her explosions elsewhere.
+
+By the time that the second lesson was being read the sun had shifted
+from Miss Mapp's face, and enabled her to see how ghastly dear Evie
+looked when focussed under the blue robe of Jonah, who was climbing out
+of the whale. She had had her disappointments to contend with, for the
+Contessa had never really grasped at all who she was. Sometimes she
+mistook her for Irene, sometimes she did not seem to see her, but never
+had she appeared fully to identify her as Mr. Bartlett's wee wifey. But
+then, dear Evie was very insignificant even when she squeaked her
+loudest. Her best friends, among whom was Miss Mapp, would not deny
+that. She had been wilted by non-recognition; she would recover again,
+now that they were all left to themselves.
+
+The sermon contained many repetitions and a quantity of split
+infinitives. The Padre had once openly stated that Shakespeare was good
+enough for him, and that Shakespeare was guilty of many split
+infinitives. On that occasion there had nearly been a breach between him
+and Mistress Mapp, for Mistress Mapp had said, "But then you are not
+Shakespeare, dear Padre." And he could find nothing better to reply than
+"Hoots!".... There was nothing more of interest about the sermon.
+
+At the end of the service Miss Mapp lingered in the church looking at
+the lovely decorations of holly and laurel, for which she was so largely
+responsible, until her instinct assured her that everybody else had
+shaken hands and was wondering what to say next about Christmas. Then,
+just then, she hurried out.
+
+They were all there, and she came like the late and honoured guest (Poor
+Diva).
+
+"Diva, darling," she said. "Merry Christmas! And Evie! And the Padre.
+Padre dear, thank you for your sermon! And Major Benjy! Merry Christmas,
+Major Benjy. What a small company we are, but not the less Christmassy.
+No Mr. Wyse, no Susan, no Isabel. Oh, and no Captain Puffin. Not quite
+well again, Major Benjy? Tell me about him. Those dreadful fits of
+dizziness. So hard to understand."
+
+She beautifully succeeded in detaching the Major from the rest. With the
+peace that had descended on Tilling, she had forgiven him for having
+been made a fool of by the Contessa.
+
+"I'm anxious about my friend Puffin," he said. "Not at all up to the
+mark. Most depressed. I told him he had no business to be depressed.
+It's selfish to be depressed, I said. If we were all depressed it would
+be a dreary world, Miss Elizabeth. He's sent for the doctor. I was to
+have had a round of golf with Puffin this afternoon, but he doesn't feel
+up to it. It would have done him much more good than a host of doctors."
+
+"Oh, I wish I could play golf, and not disappoint you of your round,
+Major Benjy," said she.
+
+Major Benjy seemed rather to recoil from the thought. He did not
+profess, at any rate, any sympathetic regret.
+
+"And we were going to have had our Christmas dinner together to-night,"
+he said, "and spend a jolly evening afterwards."
+
+"I'm sure quiet is the best thing for Captain Puffin with his
+dizziness," said Miss Mapp firmly.
+
+A sudden audacity seized her. Here was the Major feeling lonely as
+regards his Christmas evening: here was she delighted that he should not
+spend it "jollily" with Captain Puffin ... and there was plenty of
+plum-pudding.
+
+"Come and have your dinner with me," she said. "I'm alone too."
+
+He shook his head.
+
+"Very kind of you, I'm sure, Miss Elizabeth," he said, "but I think I'll
+hold myself in readiness to go across to poor old Puffin, if he feels up
+to it. I feel lost without my friend Puffin."
+
+"But you must have no jolly evening, Major Benjy," she said. "So bad for
+him. A little soup and a good night's rest. That's the best thing.
+Perhaps he would like me to go in and read to him. I will gladly. Tell
+him so from me. And if you find he doesn't want anybody, not even you,
+well, there's a slice of plum-pudding at your neighbour's, and such a
+warm welcome."
+
+She stood on the steps of her house, which in summer were so crowded
+with sketchers, and would have kissed her hand to him had not Diva been
+following close behind, for even on Christmas Day poor Diva was capable
+of finding something ill-natured to say about the most tender and
+womanly action ... and Miss Mapp let herself into her house with only a
+little wave of her hand....
+
+Somehow the idea that Major Benjy was feeling lonely and missing the
+quarrelsome society of his debauched friend was not entirely unpleasing
+to her. It was odd that there should be anybody who missed Captain
+Puffin. Who would not sooner play golf all alone (if that was possible)
+than with him, or spend an evening alone rather than with his
+companionship? But if Captain Puffin had to be missed, she would
+certainly have chosen Major Benjy to be the person who missed him.
+Without wishing Captain Puffin any unpleasant experience, she would have
+borne with equanimity the news of his settled melancholia, or his
+permanent dizziness, for Major Benjy with his bright robustness was not
+the sort of man to prove a willing comrade to a chronically dizzy or
+melancholic friend. Nor would it be right that he should be so. Men in
+the prime of life were not meant for that. Nor were they meant to be the
+victims of designing women, even though Wyses of Whitchurch.... He was
+saved from that by their most opportune departure.
+
+In spite of her readiness to be interrupted at any moment, Miss Mapp
+spent a solitary evening. She had pulled a cracker with Withers, and
+severely jarred a tooth over a threepenny-piece in the plum-pudding, but
+there had been no other events. Once or twice, in order to see what the
+night was like, she had gone to the window of the garden-room, and been
+aware that there was a light in Major Benjy's house, but when half-past
+ten struck, she had despaired of company and gone to bed. A little
+carol-singing in the streets gave her a Christmas feeling, and she hoped
+that the singers got a nice supper somewhere.
+
+Miss Mapp did not feel as genial as usual when she came down to
+breakfast next day, and omitted to say good-morning to her rainbow of
+piggies. She had run short of wool for her knitting, and Boxing Day
+appeared to her a very ill-advised institution. You would have imagined,
+thought Miss Mapp, as she began cracking her egg, that the tradespeople
+had had enough relaxation on Christmas Day, especially when, as on this
+occasion, it was immediately preceded by Sunday, and would have been all
+the better for getting to work again. She never relaxed her efforts for
+a single day in the year, and why----
+
+An overpowering knocking on her front-door caused her to stop cracking
+her egg. That imperious summons was succeeded by but a moment of
+silence, and then it began again. She heard the hurried step of Withers
+across the hall, and almost before she could have been supposed to reach
+the front door, Diva burst into the room.
+
+"Dead!" she said. "In his soup. Captain Puffin. Can't wait!"
+
+She whirled out again and the front door banged.
+
+Miss Mapp ate her egg in three mouthfuls, had no marmalade at all, and
+putting on the Prince of Wales's cloak tripped down into the High
+Street. Though all shops were shut, Evie was there with her
+market-basket, eagerly listening to what Mrs. Brace, the doctor's wife,
+was communicating. Though Mrs. Brace was not, strictly speaking, "in
+society," Miss Mapp waived all social distinctions, and pressed her hand
+with a mournful smile.
+
+"Is it all too terribly true?" she asked.
+
+Mrs. Brace did not take the smallest notice of her, and, dropping her
+voice, spoke to Evie in tones so low that Miss Mapp could not catch a
+single syllable except the word soup, which seemed to imply that Diva
+had got hold of some correct news at last. Evie gave a shrill little
+scream at the concluding words, whatever they were, as Mrs. Brace
+hurried away.
+
+Miss Mapp firmly cornered Evie, and heard what had happened. Captain
+Puffin had gone up to bed last night, not feeling well, without having
+any dinner. But he had told Mrs. Gashly to make him some soup, and he
+would not want anything else. His parlour-maid had brought it to him,
+and had soon afterwards opened the door to Major Flint, who, learning
+that his friend had gone to bed, went away. She called her master in the
+morning, and found him sitting, still dressed, with his face in the soup
+which he had poured out into a deep soup-plate. This was very odd, and
+she had called Mrs. Gashly. They settled that he was dead, and rang up
+the doctor, who agreed with them. It was clear that Captain Puffin had
+had a stroke of some sort, and had fallen forward into the soup which he
+had just poured out....
+
+"But he didn't die of his stroke," said Evie in a strangled whisper. "He
+was drowned."
+
+"Drowned, dear?" said Miss Mapp.
+
+"Yes. Lungs were full of ox-tail, oh, dear me! A stroke first, and he
+fell forward with his face in his soup-plate and got his nose and mouth
+quite covered with the soup. He was drowned. All on dry land and in his
+bedroom. Too terrible. What dangers we are all in!"
+
+She gave a loud squeak and escaped, to tell her husband.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Diva had finished calling on everybody, and approached rapidly.
+
+"He must have died of a stroke," said Diva. "Very much depressed lately.
+That precedes a stroke."
+
+"Oh, then, haven't you heard, dear?" said Miss Mapp. "It is all too
+terrible! On Christmas Day, too!"
+
+"Suicide?" asked Diva. "Oh, how shocking!"
+
+"No, dear. It was like this...."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Miss Mapp got back to her house long before she usually left it. Her
+cook came up with the proposed bill of fare for the day.
+
+"That will do for lunch," said Miss Mapp. "But not soup in the evening.
+A little fish from what was left over yesterday, and some toasted
+cheese. That will be plenty. Just a tray."
+
+Miss Mapp went to the garden-room and sat at her window.
+
+"All so sudden," she said to herself.
+
+She sighed.
+
+"I daresay there may have been much that was good in Captain Puffin,"
+she thought, "that we knew nothing about."
+
+She wore a wintry smile.
+
+"Major Benjy will feel very lonely," she said.
+
+
+
+
+EPILOGUE
+
+
+Miss Mapp went to the garden-room and sat at her window....
+
+It was a warm, bright day of February, and a butterfly was enjoying
+itself in the pale sunshine on the other window, and perhaps (so Miss
+Mapp sympathetically interpreted its feelings) was rather annoyed that
+it could not fly away through the pane. It was not a white butterfly,
+but a tortoise-shell, very pretty, and in order to let it enjoy itself
+more, she opened the window and it fluttered out into the garden. Before
+it had flown many yards, a starling ate most of it up, so the starling
+enjoyed itself too.
+
+Miss Mapp fully shared in the pleasure first of the tortoise-shell and
+then of the starling, for she was enjoying herself very much too, though
+her left wrist was terribly stiff. But Major Benjy was so cruel: he
+insisted on her learning that turn of the wrist which was so important
+in golf.
+
+"Upon my word, you've got it now, Miss Elizabeth," he had said to her
+yesterday, and then made her do it all over again fifty times more.
+("Such a bully!") Sometimes she struck the ground, sometimes she struck
+the ball, sometimes she struck the air. But he had been very much
+pleased with her. And she was very much pleased with him. She forgot
+about the butterfly and remembered the starling.
+
+It was idle to deny that the last six weeks had been a terrific strain,
+and the strain on her left wrist was nothing to them. The worst tension
+of all, perhaps, was when Diva had bounced in with the news that the
+Contessa was coming back. That was so like Diva: the only foundation for
+the report proved to be that Figgis had said to her Janet that Mr. Wyse
+was coming back, and either Janet had misunderstood Figgis, or Diva
+(far more probably) had misunderstood Janet, and Miss Mapp only hoped
+that Diva had not done so on purpose, though it looked like it. Stupid
+as poor Diva undoubtedly was, it was hard for Charity itself to believe
+that she had thought that Janet really said that. But when this report
+proved to be totally unfounded, Miss Mapp rose to the occasion, and said
+that Diva had spoken out of stupidity and not out of malice towards
+her....
+
+Then in due course Mr. Wyse had come back and the two Poppits had come
+back, and only three days ago one Poppit had become a Wyse, and they had
+all three gone for a motor-tour on the Continent in the Royce. Very
+likely they would go as far south as Capri, and Susan would stay with
+her new grand Italian connections. What she would be like when she got
+back Miss Mapp forbore to conjecture, since it was no use anticipating
+trouble; but Susan had been so grandiose about the Wyses, multiplying
+their incomes and their acreage by fifteen or twenty, so Miss Mapp
+conjectured, and talking so much about county families, that the
+liveliest imagination failed to picture what she would make of the
+Faragliones. She already alluded to the Count as "My brother-in-law
+Cecco Faraglione," but had luckily heard Diva say "Faradiddleony" in a
+loud aside, which had made her a little more reticent. Susan had taken
+the insignia of the Member of the British Empire with her, as she at
+once conceived the idea of being presented to the Queen of Italy by
+Amelia, and going to a court ball, and Isabel had taken her manuscript
+book of Malaprops and Spoonerisms. If she put down all the Italian
+malaprops that Mrs. Wyse would commit, it was likely that she would
+bring back two volumes instead of one.
+
+Though all these grandeurs were so rightly irritating, the departure of
+the "young couple" and Isabel had left Tilling, already shocked and
+shattered by the death of Captain Puffin, rather flat and purposeless.
+Miss Mapp alone refused to be flat, and had never been so full of
+purpose. She felt that it would be unpardonably selfish of her if she
+regarded for a moment her own loss, when there was one in Tilling who
+suffered so much more keenly, and she set herself with admirable
+singleness of purpose to restore Major Benjy's zest in life, and fill
+the gap. She wanted no assistance from others in this: Diva, for
+instance, with her jerky ways would be only too apt to jar on him, and
+her black dress might remind him of his loss if Miss Mapp had asked her
+to go shares in the task of making the Major's evenings less lonely.
+Also the weather, during the whole of January, was particularly
+inclement, and it would have been too much to expect of Diva to come all
+the way up the hill in the wet, while it was but a step from the Major's
+door to her own. So there was little or nothing in the way of
+winter-bridge as far as Miss Mapp and the Major were concerned. Piquet
+with a single sympathetic companion who did not mind being rubiconned at
+threepence a hundred was as much as he was up to at present.
+
+With the end of the month a balmy foretaste of spring (such as had
+encouraged the tortoiseshell butterfly to hope) set in, and the Major
+used to drop in after breakfast and stroll round the garden with her,
+smoking his pipe. Miss Mapp's sweet snowdrops had begun to appear, and
+green spikes of crocuses pricked the black earth, and the sparrows were
+having such fun in the creepers. Then one day the Major, who was going
+out to catch the 11.20 tram, had a "golf-stick," as Miss Mapp so
+foolishly called it, with him, and a golf-ball, and after making a
+dreadful hole in her lawn, she had hit the ball so hard that it
+rebounded from the brick-wall, which was quite a long way off, and came
+back to her very feet, as if asking to be hit again by the
+golf-stick--no, golf-club. She learned to keep her wonderfully observant
+eye on the ball and bought one of her own. The Major lent her a
+mashie--and before anyone would have thought it possible, she had
+learned to propel her ball right over the bed where the snowdrops grew,
+without beheading any of them in its passage. It was the turn of the
+wrist that did that, and Withers cleaned the dear little mashie
+afterwards, and put it safely in the corner of the garden-room.
+
+To-day was to be epoch-making. They were to go out to the real links by
+the 11.20 tram (consecrated by so many memories), and he was to call for
+her at eleven. He had qui-hied for porridge fully an hour ago.
+
+After letting out the tortoise-shell butterfly from the window looking
+into the garden, she moved across to the post of observation on the
+street, and arranged snowdrops in a little glass vase. There were a few
+over when that was full, and she saw that a reel of cotton was close at
+hand, in case she had an idea of what to do with the remainder. Eleven
+o'clock chimed from the church, and on the stroke she saw him coming up
+the few yards of street that separated his door from hers. So punctual!
+So manly!
+
+Diva was careering about the High Street as they walked along it, and
+Miss Mapp kissed her hand to her.
+
+"Off to play golf, darling," she said. "Is that not grand? Au
+reservoir."
+
+Diva had not missed seeing the snowdrops in the Major's button-hole, and
+stood stupefied for a moment at this news. Then she caught sight of
+Evie, and shot across the street to communicate her suspicions. Quaint
+Irene joined then and the Padre.
+
+"Snowdrops, i'fegs!" said he....
+
+
+_Printed at The Chapel River Press, Kingston, Surrey._
+
+  +--------------------------------------------------------------+
+  |                Transcriber's Notes and Errata                |
+  |                                                              |
+  | The following words were found in both hyphenated and        |
+  | unhyphenated form in the text. The number of instances of    |
+  | each is given in parentheses.                                |
+  |                                                              |
+  |           |book-case (4)      |bookcase (1)      |           |
+  |           |dress-maker's (1)  |dress-maker's (1) |           |
+  |           |dress-maker (1)    |dress-maker (1)   |           |
+  |           |eye-glass (4)      |eyeglass (4)      |           |
+  |           |parlour-maid (3)   |parlourmaid (5)   |           |
+  |           |tea-gown (9)       |teagown (2)       |           |
+  |           |tip-toed (1)       |tiptoed (2)       |           |
+  |           |tortoise-shell (3) |tortoiseshell (1) |           |
+  |                                                              |
+  | The following typographical errors were corrected:           |
+  |                                                              |
+  |               |Error          |Correction    |               |
+  |               |appraoch       |approach      |               |
+  |               |aleady         |already       |               |
+  |               |Consciousnness |Consciousness |               |
+  +--------------------------------------------------------------+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Miss Mapp, by Edward Frederic Benson
+
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