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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 93,
+August 13, 1887, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 93, August 13, 1887
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Francis Burnand
+
+Release Date: May 7, 2008 [EBook #25361]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LONDON CHARIVARI, VOLUME 93 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Matt Whittaker,
+Malcolm Farmer and the Online Distributed Proofreading
+Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+
+
+
+VOL. 93.
+
+
+
+
+AUGUST 13, 1887.
+
+
+
+
+AT THE OVAL.
+
+SURREY _VERSUS_ NOTTS. AUGUST 1ST, 2ND, AND 3RD 1887.
+
+(_By One of the Fifty Thousand._)
+
+_Enthusiastic Surreyite loquitur_:--
+
+[Illustration: Lo! man!]
+
+[Illustration: Shrews--bery!]
+
+[Illustration: Gunn and Barnes.]
+
+  _Hooray!_ Oh, you _must_ let me holloa. I'm one of the famed "Surrey
+          Crowd,"
+  And a roar for a win such as _this_ is, can_not_ be too long or too loud.
+  Won by four wickets! As good as though WALTER had scored half a million,
+  Great Scott! what a rush from the ring! what a crowd round the crowded
+          Pavilion!
+  LOHMANN! MAURICE READ!! SHUTER!!! they shouted. KEY!!! KEY!!! LOHMANN!!!
+          LOHMANN!!!
+  "Took down the number" of Notts, Sir, and _she's_ a redoubtable foeman.
+  _We_ haven't licked her for years, and she crowed, Sir, and not without
+          reason;
+  And now, under SHUTER, we've done it at last, Sir, and twice in one
+          season!
+  After a terrible tussle; how oft was my heart in my mouth, Sir.
+  Luck now seemed to lean to the North, and anon would incline to the
+          South, Sir.
+  Game wasn't won till 'twas lost. Hooray, though, for Surrey! 'Twas _her_
+          win.
+  We missed our WOOD at the wicket, Notts squared it by missing her
+          SHERWIN,
+  Both with smashed fingers! Rum luck! But then cricketing luck _is_ a
+          twister.
+  And SHERWIN turned up second innings. _Did_ you twig his face when he
+          missed her,
+  That ball from J. SHUTER, our Captain? It ranked pretty high among
+          matches,
+  But Surrey _did_ make _some_ mistakes, Sir, and Notts----well, they
+          _couldn't_ hold catches.
+  SHUTER shone up, did he not? Forty-four, fifty-three, and _such_ cutting!
+  Hooray! Here's his jolly good health, and look sharp, for they're close
+          upon shutting.
+  Partial be blowed! I'm a Surreyite down to my socks, that's a fact, Sir.
+  _Must_ shout when my countymen score, and don't mind being caught in the
+          act, Sir.
+  Cracks didn't somehow come off. ARTHUR SHREWSBURY, Notts' great nonsuch,
+  Didn't make fifty all told, and our WALTER--the world holds but _one_
+          such--
+  A poor twenty-five and eighteen--a mere fleabite for W. W.
+  Still, he's our glory; and _if_ you can spot such another, I'll trouble
+          you.
+  _GRACE?_ Why, of course, in his day he was cock of the walk--that's a
+          moral.
+  I won't say a word against _him_; but our WALTER!--well, there, we won't
+          quarrel.
+  I'm Surrey, you know, as I said. I remember JUPP, HUMPHRY, and STEVENSON,
+  Burly BEN GRIFFITH, and SOUTHERTON! Well, if it ever was evens on
+  Match, it was surely on _this_ one. Oh, yes, _I_ gave points, six to
+          five, Sir,
+  But then I have always backed Surrey, and _will_ do so whilst I'm alive,
+          Sir.
+  And t'other was Notts, don't you see, so _I_ couldn't well show the white
+          feather.
+  Ah! well, 'twas a wonderful match; such a crowd, such a game, and such
+          weather!
+  K. J. K. (that's Mr. KEY) showed remarkably promising cricket--
+  I _did_ feel a little bit quisby when SHERWIN snapped him at the wicket.
+  'Twas getting too close, Sir, for comfort; two hundred and five takes
+          some making--
+  When BARNES nicked READ, SHUTER, and HENDERSON, 'gad, there were lots of
+          hearts quaking.
+  Seventy-eight for a win, Sir, and five of our best wickets levelled.
+  Notts then began to pick up, and I own I felt rather blue-devilled;
+  But Surrey has got a rare team, and you see, when the toppers do fail,
+          Sir,
+  They look at it this way, my boy,--there is all the more chance for the
+          "tail," Sir.
+  That's what I call true cricket pluck, and so, even when MAURICE READ
+          quitted him,
+  That's what young LOHMANN perceived; the place wanted cool grit--and it
+          fitted him.
+  His thirty-five, and not out, was worth more, Sir, than many a "Century."
+  Played like an iceberg, he did; style neither too tame nor too venture-y.
+  Poor crippled WOOD backed him bravely, and he made the winning hit, he
+          did.
+  Won by four wickets! Hooray! Gallant Surrey at last has succeeded
+  In knocking the dust out of Notts. I've hoorayed till my tongue feels
+          quite furry.
+  Yes, _I_ like the best side to win,--but I'm thundering glad, though,
+          it's Surrey!!!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"OVER THE WATER WITH LAWSON" (_Change of Name_).--Jack Tar to be
+known in future as Tom Fool.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PARLIAMENTARY NOTICES.
+
+_House of Commons for August._
+
+
+DISORDERS OF THE DAY.
+
+Legalised Duels (England) Bill--Report.
+
+Shillelagh (Irish) Supply Bill--Second Reading.
+
+Ways and Means (Assaults)--Committee.
+
+Speaker's Wig Destruction Bill--As amended to be considered.
+
+
+QUESTIONS.
+
+_Mr. Dillon._--Whether Her Majesty's Government contemplate allowing Mr. DE
+LISLE to smile, and if so, whether any precautions will be taken to prevent
+his receiving a thrashing.
+
+_Dr. Tanner._--To ask the Chief Secretary of the Lord-Lieutenant whether he
+has any objection to tread upon the tail of his coat.
+
+_Colonel Saunderson._--To ask the First Lord of the Treasury as to the
+condition of the eyes and noses of certain Members of the Nationalist
+Party.
+
+
+NOTICE OF MOTION.
+
+_Mr. T. Healy._--Physical Force, House of Commons (England)--Bill to
+facilitate the establishment of a Bear Garden in St. Stephen's.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HAVOC!
+
+  In wrath redundant SWINBURNE turns and rends
+  The "good grey" bard. Alack for SWINBURNE'S "friends"!
+  He worshipped once at thy red shine, Revolt,
+  Now thou'rt a mark for his Olympian bolt;
+  But when he rounds on poor barbaric WALT,
+  One can but gasp, and wonder where he'll halt.
+  Coupled with BYRON in one furious "slate"?
+  O poor Manhattan mouther, what a fate!
+  ALGERNON'S blunderbuss is double-barrelled;
+  Down at one shot go "_Drum Taps_" and "_Childe Harold_."
+  Just fancy being levelled down to--BYRON!
+  Alas! what woes the poet's path environ.
+  What next, and next? BYRON called SOUTHEY "gander."
+  But then the lordly rhymester railed at LANDOR,
+  One of the SWINBURNE fetishes, enough
+  To prove that all he wrote was soulless stuff--
+  But stop! Who knows that SWINBURNE, on the ravage,
+  May not, next time, pitch into WALTER SAVAGE?
+  The idols he once worshipped now he'd burn,
+  So e'en MAZZINI yet may have his turn--
+  Nay, since the hour for palinodes has struck,
+  At Hugomania he may run amuck;
+  And, VICTOR being laid upon the shelf,
+  There'll be but one to round upon--himself.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ELEGANT EXTRACTS BY EMINENT MEN.
+
+A very interesting article appears in the current number of the
+_Fortnightly Magazine_, in which the favourite "quotations" of many
+celebrated persons are introduced with much effect. Always ready to take a
+hint, _Mr. Punch_ has asked everyone he knows to furnish him with his
+predilections. The following is the result:--
+
+Mr. BRIEFLESS, Junior, of Pump-handle Court writes, "I have carefully
+considered the circular you have forwarded to me, and am distinctly of
+opinion that my favourite reading is, 'With you the Attorney-General.'"
+
+"ROBERT" says that his favourite phrase is, "'Ere's 'alf a sovereign for
+yourself, but you deserves more!"
+
+"'ARRY" says he can't think of anything more "fust class" than, "The 'orn
+of the 'unter is 'eard on the 'ill."
+
+And (more or less) the whole world declares that there is no pleasanter
+announcement than "_Punch, or the London Charivari_, is published every
+Wednesday."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mem. for Our Muddlers.
+
+It _cannot_ be in the interests of peace that we turn our swords
+into--corkscrews, and our bayonets into--button-hooks. That extremely
+secular reading of a sacred passage, appears to be the accepted one,
+however, in Ordnance Departments, and other places where they play the
+fool.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: GERMAN ENGLISH.
+
+_German Belle._ "ACH! YOU ARE FONT OF YACHTING! ZEN I ZUPPOSE YOU ARE A
+GOOT _SALESMAN_?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE END OF THE JUBILEE.
+
+  I've been to the Abbey, the Naval Review,
+  The Maske at Gray's Inn and the Institute too;
+  In fact I feel just like the Wandering Jew,
+    Or other historical rover:
+  I've turned day into night and the night into day,
+  In a regular rollicking Jubilee way,
+  And now I can truly and thankfully say,
+    I'm uncommonly glad that it's over.
+
+  I've been to a number of Jubilee balls,
+  And I'm really worn out by the parties and calls;
+  I've fed in the City 'neath shade of St. Paul's,
+    And ate little fish by the river:
+  I've been to big picnics both up and down stream,
+  I've wallowed in strawberries smothered in cream,
+  Which, following lobster, most doctors would deem
+    Was remarkably bad for the liver.
+
+  I've read all the Jubilee articles, loads
+  Of Jubilee leaders and Jubilee odes,
+  And seen how each poet his Pegasus goads,
+    Though gaining but slight inspiration;
+  A chaos of Jubilee Numbers I've seen,
+  And Jubilee pictures and lives of the QUEEN,
+  And the Jubilee coinage that's greeted, I ween,
+    With anything but jubilation.
+
+  But, now all is over, sincerely I trust
+  The Nation no longer will kick up a dust,
+  The Jubilee really has done for me just
+    As "_Commodious_" scared _Mr. Boffin_:
+  Any more jubilation would finish me quite,
+  As it is I've a horrible dream every night
+  That a Jubilee demon is screwing me tight
+    Down into a Jubilee coffin!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Correct Card.
+
+MR. GOLDWIN SMITH says:--"The one thing certain about Tory-Democracy,
+besides its origin, is, that it is the card of a political gamester." It
+may perhaps help the ponderous Professor, in a future philippic, to know,
+in addition, that the associations of Tory-Democracy at once suggest
+"Clubs," and the game it is playing, the "deuce."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PARLIAMENTARY BALLYHOOLY.
+
+AIR--"_Ballyhooly._"
+
+  There's a dashing sort of bhoy who was once his country's joy,
+    But his ructions and his rows no longer charm me,
+  He often takes command in a fury-spouting band
+    Called the "Ballyhooly" Parliamentary Army.
+  At Donnybrook's famed fair he might shine with radiance rare,
+    A "Pathriot" he's called, and may be truly,
+  It is catching, I'm afraid, for when _he_ is on parade
+    There seems scarce a sober man in "Ballyhooly."
+
+  _Chorus._
+
+    Whililoo, hi ho! Faith they all enlist, ye know,
+      Though their ructions and their shindies fail to charm me,
+    Bad language, howls, and hate put an end to fair debate
+      In the "Ballyhooly" Parliamentary Army.
+
+  The SPAYKER, honest soul, finds they're quite beyond control,
+    Discussion takes a most extinded radius,
+  It's about as fine and clear as the stalest ginger-beer,
+    But the "bhoys," they never seem to find it "tadyious."
+  And what is worse, to-day all the Army march one way,
+    That is in being ructious and unruly,
+  If a Mimber in debate wants to argue fair and straight,
+    Faith they howl him out of court in "Ballyhooly."
+            _Chorus_--Whililoo, hi, ho, &c.
+
+  They're supposed to hould debate in the interests of the State,
+    Which one and all they do their best to injure;
+  I have said their talk's as clear as the stalest ginger-beer,
+    And they mix the vilest vitriol with the ginger.
+  The bhoys are not alone, for in sorrow one must own
+    The young Tories are as noisy and unruly,
+  And the Rads they rave and rail till one longs to lodge in gaol
+    The intemperate brigade of "Ballyhooly."
+            _Chorus_--Whililoo, hi, ho, &c.
+
+  There's a moral to my song, and it won't detain yez long,
+    Of Party spirit e'en the merest "nip" shun.
+  It's poison, that is clear, Ballyhooly "ginger-beer,"
+    As ye'll own when I have given the prescription.
+  You take heaps of Party "rot," spirit mean, and temper hot,
+    Lies, blasphemy, and insult; mix them duly;
+  For sugar put in salt, bitter gall for honest malt,
+    Faith, they call it "Statesmanship" in "Ballyhooly."
+            _Chorus_--Whililoo, hi, ho, &c.
+
+  _Encore Verse._
+
+  Since you're kind enough to crave just another little stave,
+    I'll explain the furious ferment that now leavens
+  A tipple once so sound is just Party spite all round,
+    And of course _my_ Ballyhooly is St. Stephen's.
+  'Twill be very long before you will wish to cry "Encore!"
+    To the row that makes our Parliament unruly;
+  For good sense would put a stop on the flow of Party "Pop"
+    That makes a Donnybrook of "Ballyhooly."
+
+  _Chorus._
+
+    Whililoo, hi, ho! 'Tis a huge mistake, ye know,
+      To let ructions and recriminations charm ye.
+    If they don't abate their hate, they'll bring ruin on the State,
+      Will the Ballyhooly Parliamentary Army.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Very Like a Wales.
+
+The zeal of the Actor who blacked himself all over to play _Othello_, is at
+last outdone--by Mr. GLADSTONE, who, it is stated, is learning the Welsh
+language, under the tuition of Mr. RICHARD, M.P., in order to deliver his
+speech at the forthcoming Eisteddfod in TAFFY'S own tongue. "Not for
+CADWALLADER and all his goats," as _Pistol_ says, would an ordinary
+politician go through such an ordeal for such an end. "Gallant Little
+Wales" will, however, no doubt be duly grateful, and, by lending its
+support to her adroit flatterer, enable him to say, with _Gower_, to the
+opponents of Home-Rule, "Henceforth let a Welsh correction teach you a good
+English condition."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: UN DUEL DE CAFE-CONCERT.
+
+_MM. Boxe et Coxe._
+
+_M. le General Boxe._ "SAVEZ-VOUS VOUS BATTRE?" _M. Coxe_ (_homme d'etat_).
+"NON!"
+
+_M. le General Boxe._ "EH BIEN, ALORS! ALLONS-Y-DONC!"
+
+(_Translation._--"Can you fight?" "No!" "Then come on!")]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Jest in Earnest.
+
+(_What might have happened._)
+
+_Monday._--The Fleets started on their manoeuvres. Before leaving, the
+Ironclads ran down, accidentally, all the unarmoured vessels in the
+harbour.
+
+_Tuesday._--Collision. Sinking of the _Ajax_.
+
+_Wednesday._--Mistake in steering. Foundering of the _Minotaur_.
+
+_Thursday._--Error in seamanship. Loss of the _Neptune_.
+
+_Friday._--Misapprehension of signal. Ramming of the _Devastation_.
+
+_Saturday._--Something wrong somewhere. The remainder of the Fleet goes to
+the bottom.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH'S MANUAL FOR YOUNG RECITERS.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+It is a charming characteristic of the Young Amateur Entertainer
+that--whether he possesses or not the smallest acquaintance with any
+language beyond his own--he is always prepared to impersonate a foreigner
+of any given nationality at a moment's notice; and _Mr. Punch_ is confident
+that the most backward of his Pupils will be perfectly at home (and how his
+audience will envy him!) with the following Anglo-German recitation, which
+may be given under the following title:--
+
+PROFESSOR BOMPP RELATES A LITTLE ANECDOTE.
+
+(_To do this effectively, you must assume an air of childlike candour._)
+
+  I deach my dong in Engeland for dventy years and more;
+  And vonce I dvell at Vigmore Shtreet, ubon ze zegond floor--
+
+  (_Pull yourself up suddenly._)
+
+  Bot dat has nodings hier to zay--zo, blease, (_professorial air for
+          this_) you vill addend!
+  I gom to dell you gurious dings vat habbened mit a vriend.
+  He vas a hanzom-headed man, zo like me as a pea,
+  And eferyveres I valk about he gom along mit me;
+  Bot all ze efenings, beaceful-quiet, he shtay in-doors and shmoke.
+  And choggle at himzelf at dimes in hatching out a yoke;
+  Ontill von day his choggling stobbed--he'd tombled deep in lof,
+  And he bassed ze dime vith gissing at a leedle vemale glof!
+  Ubon two shpargling eyes he dink, von deligate cock-nose--
+  Dill zoon his dinkings vork him op mit gourage to bropose.
+  Zen, ach! zat nose vas dilted more, and gruel vorts she shpoke:
+  "I vill not dwine aroundt no heart vat shmells zo shtrong mit shmoke!
+  Vor you yourzelf I might, vith dime, bersuade myzelf to gare--
+  Bot nevare mit no ogly bipes vill I avection share!"
+  (_Pause, and glance round your audience with a slightly pained air._)
+  I dink I hear zom laty make a symbathetic shniff--
+  You Englisch shendlevomens dreats a shmoker var too shtiff!
+  For look--meinzelf I shmoke a bipe, mit baintings on ze bowl,
+  I shtoffs him vith dat sheepstabak vat's dwisted in a roll,
+  I gif my vort it ton't daste pad--zough yust a leedle veak--
+  Shtill, ven I schmokes inzide a drain,--I vinds zom laties seeck!
+  (_Amiable surprise, as you mention this instance of insular
+          intolerance._)
+  Bot, zere, you makes me chadderbox, and dakes op all my dime!
+  I vant to dell you how mein vriend behafed himself sooblime:
+  "If you vill pe mein Braut," he zaid, "tobaggo I'll renounce,
+  And shvear to nefer puy no more von solidary ounce!"
+  Zo she gif him out her lily hand, and shmile on him zo shveet:
+  "Vith sodge a sagrifice," she zaid, "you brove your lof indeet!
+  And I dakes you--on your zolem vort mit shmoking to ged rid,
+  Pe off and purn your bipes and dings!" vich--boor yong man, he--did!
+  Dree sblendid bipes he sacrificed, in china, glay, and vood,
+  He vatched zem craggle in ze vlames--I vonder how he _could_!
+  And mit zem vent his brime zigars of pest Havana prandt,
+  Imborted hier vrom Hampurg, in his own dear Vaderlandt!
+
+  [_With sentiment._
+
+  Henzefort he lif a shmokeless life, vor vear to lose his bride,
+  And nefer vonce gomblained to her of soferings inzide!
+  Bot--zough she gif him zentiment and rabdures ven zey met--
+  Zomdimes he vish she vouldn't mind von leedle zigarette!      [_Pause._
+  Now game along ze night pefore his veddings was to pe--
+  And he dried to galm his jomping soul mit bonderings and tea--
+  Ven, zoddenly--he hear a zound, as eef zom barty knock,
+  And it gom vrom his tobaggo-jar, long embdy of its shtock!
+  "Gom in! I mean--gom _out_!" he cried (he was a viddy chap!)
+
+  [_Here you should be convulsed with inward laughter._
+
+  "For nonn of your nockdurnal knocks I do not gare von rap!"
+  Bot--vile he yoked--ze lid fly off, and sblash into his cop,
+
+  [_Business here._
+
+  And a kind of leedle voman's form inzide the jar sbring op!
+  Her face vas yust the golour of a meerschaum nod quide new,
+  And her hair vas all in ribbling vaves--like long-cut honnydew!
+  In golden silber she vas roped, all shpangled o'er mit shtars,
+  For it zeemed as eef she dress herzelf mit baper round zigars,
+  And like an eel his bagbone squirmed, his hair god up erect,
+  For beoples in tobaggo-jars is tings you ton't exbect!
+  "Bervidious von!" she shpeak at him, zo broud as any queen,
+  "Pehold your homage-objects vonce--ze goddess Nigodeen!
+  I galls to know ze reason vy you leafs my aldars cold,
+  And nefer purns me incense like your bractice vas of old?"
+  "To bay you more resbects, I must," he plurted out, "degline,
+  For I'm vorshibing at bresent mit an obbosition shrine."
+  "And zo you makes yourzelf," she gries, "a dankless renegade
+  To von who, oftendimes invoked, yet nefer vailed her aid
+  To charm avay your lonely dimes, and soffogate your care!
+  If dat's your leedle games, mein vriend, dake my advice--bevare!"
+  "I'd gladly zend mein zoul inzide a himmeldinted gloud,
+  Bot as a Penedick," he zaid, "I vill not pe allowed!
+  I dells you vrank"--(I haf exblained he vas a vonny vellow!)--
+  "Mitout mein bipe, ze honnymoon shall nod daste quide so mellow!"
+  "Enoff!" she said, "you vatch your eye, and zee vat vill bekom!"
+  She bopped inzide ... he search ze jar--'twas embdy as a drom!
+  And zen he vipe his sbecdagles, and shtare, and rob his head,
+  (_Business._) And dink he'd grown too vanziful, and pedder go to bed.
+
+  [_Impressive pause, and continue in lowered voice._
+
+  Vell, next day, on ze afdernoon, his honnymoon pegan----
+  And Dandalus vas nodings to zat boor dormented man!
+  For ven he dry to giss his vife ubon her lips zo ripe--
+  Petween his own brojected fort a pig soobyectif bipe!
+  And efer more, in sbite of all ze dender vorts he zay,
+  Ze sbegtral image of a bipe kept gedding in his vay!
+  Ondill ubon ze burple sky shone out ze efening shtar--
+  And zen ze bipe dransform himzelf, and change to a zigar!
+  Bot, vorst of all, his vife vould veel no bity for his fate!
+  She dink it all a hombogsdrick--and zoon zey sebarate;
+  And benidently he redurned, and zaid to NIGODEEN:
+  "Forgif, and nefer more I'll pe ze vool I vonce haf peen!
+  I lofed my vife--but now I vind I gares for you ze most--
+  And I'm dired of shmoking dings vat is no pedder as a ghost!"
+  Zo NIGODEEN she dakes him back, begause his vife vas gone,
+  And now ze bipe he shmokes is _nod_ an immaderial von!
+  You vonder how I goms to know?--Brebare yourzelves to jomp!--
+  (_Sensationally._) I vas zat yong boor man meinzelf--der Herr Brofessor
+          BOMPP!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TRAVELLER'S VADE MECUM.
+
+_Question._ I understand that you are leaving Town. Why?
+
+_Answer._ Because it is the fashion.
+
+_Q._ Have you any plans?
+
+_A._ I am a little undecided. At first I thought of going to an English
+watering-place, but abandoned the idea because the papers said I should be
+sure to be laid up with typhoid fever, German measles, or something equally
+pleasant.
+
+_Q._ Had it not been for this dread, should you have gone?
+
+_A._ I suppose so. We are acclimatised to the discomforts of seaside
+lodgings, the discords of second-rate German bands, and the disillusions of
+country views.
+
+_Q._ For the sake of argument, abandoning the English watering-place--where
+shall you go?
+
+_A._ My wife says Paris--and means it.
+
+_Q._ Do you object yourself to the gay capital?
+
+_A._ Well--just now--yes; chiefly because it is not gay.
+
+_Q._ I suppose you would prefer the principal theatres to be open?
+
+_A._ If I could attend them without being sure that I should find the "hot
+room" of a Turkish bath considerably cooler. Not that there would not be a
+risk of being grilled to death on the Boulevards and bored out of my life
+by running across hundreds of personally-conducted tourists.
+
+_Q._ Then why should you go?
+
+_A._ Because my wife wishes to see the bonnets.
+
+_Q._ Could she see them nowhere else?
+
+_A._ Not to her satisfaction, although I believe she could find their
+counterparts in Tottenham Court Road and the Westbourne Grove.
+
+_Q._ After Paris where shall you go?
+
+_A._ Either to Switzerland, Italy, or Holland.
+
+_Q._ Do you expect much amusement?
+
+_A._ Not much, because I know them by heart. Still I know the best hotels,
+or rather the best _table d'hotes_.
+
+_Q._ Is that all you care for?
+
+_A._ Nearly all. However it is a languid satisfaction to compare St.
+Peter's with St. Paul's to the disadvantage of the former, and to think
+there is nothing in Switzerland to equal the Trossachs, Loch Maree and the
+Cumberland Lakes.
+
+_Q._ But the Art treasures?
+
+_A._ May be found _en bloc_ at the South Kensington Museum.
+
+_Q._ Then you travel in rather a gloomy mood.
+
+_A._ Rather. Still I am buoyed up with a delightful prospect in the future.
+
+_Q._ A delightful prospect! What prospect?
+
+_A._ The prospect of returning home!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SCARCELY "BUTTER."--To change the nickname of MADGE to Margarine.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LADIES' LAW.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Some little while since a book was published for the exclusive benefit of
+the fair sex, which purported to teach men's mothers, sisters, cousins, and
+aunts, the advantages bestowed upon them by the Married Women's Property
+Act, and other statutes of a like character. No doubt the volume was an
+excellent guide to females fond of litigation; but still there are many who
+prefer, in spite of everything, to retain their own fixed opinion on the
+subject of law. For that feminine majority the following congenial hints
+are published:--
+
+If a woman makes a will, she can never revoke it, and is likely to die soon
+afterwards, as it is not only unnecessary, but unlucky.
+
+A marriage without bridesmaids is nearly illegal. This applies, in a lesser
+degree, to marriages where children, dressed in Charles the First costumes,
+are not employed to hold up the bride's train.
+
+A mortgage is a sort of thing that causes a house to become the possession
+of a dishonest Agent, who is usually a Solicitor.
+
+The best way of settling a County Court summons, brought in the absence of
+the master of the house, is to ask the man into the dining-room, and tell
+him about the accomplishments of the children. This will soften his heart,
+and get him to prevent the Judge from sending everyone to prison.
+
+A nice Solicitor never contradicts a Lady, and therefore knows the law
+infinitely better than the disagreeable fogies, who are so obstinate. And,
+lastly, the best way to learn the real provisions of the law, is to study a
+modern novel by a lady Authoress.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SALUBRITIES ABROAD.
+
+"_Salubrities at Home_" (_pace_ Mr. ATLAS, who will recognise this
+temporary adaptation of his world-renowned title) I should say are Buxton
+(for most people), Bath (for some), Harrogate (for others), and,--besides a
+variety of North, South, East and West, too numerous to be mentioned in
+these notes,--Ramsgate for nearly all.
+
+"_Salubrities Abroad_" are Homburg, Aix-les-Bains, Carlsbad, &c., &c., and
+Royat, where I find myself again this year. "Scenes of my bath-hood, once
+more I behold ye!" There is "A Salubrity at Royat," which people of certain
+tendencies cannot easily find elsewhere. It is a cure for eminent persons
+of strong Conservative tendencies. Lord SALISBURY was here last year, and
+my friend Monsieur ONDIT, who is in everybody's confidence, tells me that
+his Lordship will revisit a place where the _traitement_ did him so much
+good. I believe he underwent the "Cherry-cure," at all events his Lordship
+was seen in public constantly eating them out of a paper-bag. _What did he
+do with the bag?_ My answer is, "he popped it." Down went the cherries, and
+bang went the bag and fifty centimes. Well, did not Royat effect some
+change in his conservatism? What has been the result? But I am not here to
+talk politics.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Everybody is talking of the BOULANGER-FERRY incident. This is Aug. 4, and
+nothing has happened.
+
+  "Il n'y a pas de danger,"
+    Dit General BOULANGER;
+  "Tout va, je crois, s'arranger,
+      Chez FERRY, mes amis."
+
+I haven't time to proceed with this, but, so far, the idea is at any poet's
+disposition to continue as he pleases, my only stipulation being that the
+air to which it is to be sung shall be "_Marlbrook_."
+
+My other friend, BENJAMIN TROVATO, of Italian extraction, tells me that
+BOULANGER is half English, and had an English education. BEN informs me
+that the General has never forgotten the rhythms he learnt in his happy
+English nursery; and that, when he read that M. FERRY had called him a
+"_St. Arnaud de Cafe-Concert_," he sang out, recollecting the old catch,--
+
+  A Note, a Note!
+  Haste to the Ferry!
+
+in which his friends were unable to join, owing to their ignorance of the
+words and tune.
+
+When driving through Clermont-Ferrand from the Station up to Royat, we
+(three of us) had a small omnibus to ourselves. One of the party (a wag, of
+whom, and of the circumstances of our meeting, more "in my next") insisted
+on our calling out, "_Vive_ BOULANGER!" We did this several times in the
+most crowded parts, but the cry obtained no response, and aroused no
+excitement, as, being uttered with the greatest caution (at my instance),
+nobody heard it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+But what a thing to fight about! If duelling were an English fashion, how
+fruitful of "incidents" this Session would have been. How often would Mr.
+TIM HEALY have been "out"? And Mr. DE LISLE'S life would have hung upon a
+Lisle thread!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Note for strangers about to visit Royat.--The Continental Hotel has lost a
+little territory, as half of what was its terrace has been returned to the
+present proprietor of the hotel next door, with whom we Continentals have
+no connection, not even "on business," it not being "the same concern" and
+under one management as it was last year. But what the Continental Hotel
+has sacrificed in domain, Monsieur HALL, our obliging landlord, has more
+than made up in comfort and cooking. Dr. BRANDT sees his patients in a
+charming Villa of Flowers. The weather is lovely.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+We are all surprised at seeing one another here. Each person (or each
+couple or party) seems to think that he alone (or they alone) possess the
+secret of Royat's existence. We certainly are not a mutual admiration
+society at Royat. When we come upon one another suddenly, each exclaims,
+"Hallo! what are _you_ here for?" is if the other were a convict "doing his
+time." Everyone thinks he knows what he is here for, but very few tell what
+he thinks he knows. And, by the way, the best-informed among us doesn't
+know very much about it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In the Reading-room of the _Cercle_ there ought to be (as advertised in a
+local journal) at least three English newspapers daily. I have not seen
+them as yet. The only London paper arriving here regularly, and to be
+purchased every day early at the Newsvendor's, is the _Morning Post_.
+_Vive_ Sir ALGERNON! Can this be the attraction for Lord SALISBURY? Why
+come out so far afield to read the _Morning Post_? Or wasn't it here,
+during Lord SALISBURY'S visit last year, and is he still ignorant of its
+having been subsequently demanded and supplied this season? And when he
+comes and finds it--"O what a surprise!"--no, thank goodness, we have
+escaped from this song--for a time, at least.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Too hot to write any more journal. The hundredth bell is sounding for the
+fiftieth _dejeuner_. My _dejeuner_ is finished. There are bells here
+perpetually. All day and all night. In vain would Mr. IRVING as _Mathias_,
+put his hands to his ears and close the windows. The bells! The bells!
+Distant bells, near bells, sheep-bells, goat-bells, a man with pipe (not
+tobacco but tune, or what he and the goats consider a tune), dinner-bells,
+guests'-bells, servants'-bells, church-bells (not much), chapel-bells
+(early and occasionally), horse-bells, donkey-bells, breakfast-bells,
+supper-bells, arrival-bells, departure-bells, tramway bells, crier's-bells,
+with variations on drum or trumpet, and several other bells that I shall
+notice in the course of the twenty-four hours, but have forgotten just now.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The "_petits chevaux_" have not been stopped by the Government; they are
+running as fast as ever. There are two bands, playing morning, afternoon,
+and evening. The _Casino Samie_ is as lively as ever, or, as my waggish
+acquaintance at once expressed it, in that vein of humour for which he is
+so specially distinguished, "The Samie old game," and to sit out in the
+garden, with a fragrant cigar and coffee, before retiring for the night, is
+indeed a calm pleasure, or would be but for the aforesaid waggishness, of
+which more anon.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Soldiers about everywhere, Boulangering. Up in the hills is a splendid
+echo. This morning, having caught the very slightest cold, I went up into
+the mountains to get it blown away. Suddenly I sneezed. Such a sneeze! It
+reverberated all over the mountain like the firing of a battery. Again!
+again! These sneezes nearly shook me off the rock, and sent me staggering
+on to the _plateau_ below. The effect must have been alarming, as the third
+sneeze fetched out the military, horse and foot, at full gallop, and the
+double. _L'ennemi? C'etait moi!_ They scoured the mountain sides, but I did
+not sneeze again. I have a sort of idea that my sneeze upset the entire
+preconcerted arrangements for a review. The Boulangerers retired--so did I.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+'Tis the hour of _douche_. RICHARD, the attendant, will be there to give it
+me. _Douche-ment, douche-ment._ Gently does it! O RICHARD, O _Mon
+Roy-at_!... _Au revoir!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mrs. R. went to see the _premiere_ of a new piece about which there had
+been considerable excitement in the theatrical world. "It was quite a
+novelty for me," said the good lady to a friend; "every literal person was
+there of any imminence, and my nephew, who is connected with papers
+himself, told me that the stalls were full of crickets. He pointed them all
+out to me. Most interesting."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "LE MONDE OU L'ON S'AMUSE."
+
+_Miss Ponsonby de Tomkyns_ (_just out_). "OH, PAPA! SUCH AN _EXQUISITE_
+CONCERT IT WAS AT LADY MIDAS'S! THE DUCHESS WAS THERE, AND THE
+MOWBRAY-MASHAMS, AND LORD AND LADY WROTTENHAM, AND COUNT EDELWEISS, AND
+CAPTAIN DE COURCY, AND SIR MAINWARING CARSHALTON AND HIS WIFE, AND--IN FACT
+EVERYBODY ONE CARES TO MEET."
+
+_Mr. P. de T._ "INDEED! AND WHO PLAYED AND SANG?"
+
+_Miss P. de T._ "WHO PLAYED AND SANG? WELL--A--A--REALLY, DO YOU KNOW, I
+DON'T REMEMBER!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"GLASS FALLING!"
+
+_Head of the House, loquitur_:--
+
+  Dear me! Going back? I can hardly conceive it.
+    I thought we were in for a spell of "Set Fair."
+  A serious change? No, I will not believe it;
+                    I _can't_, I declare.
+
+  I've tapped it with confidence morning by morning,
+    This glass which has never deceived me before;
+  And now to go wrong in this way, without warning!--
+                    It's really a bore.
+
+  Of course it's too bad to be _true_, for the weather
+    So settled has seemed, and has promised so well,
+  And why it should go and break up altogether
+                    Nobody can tell.
+
+  Tap! Tap! Yes, it's true, it is certainly dropping.
+    Things seem--for the moment--a bit out of joint,
+  For of course there is not the least fear of its _stopping_
+                    At such a low point.
+
+  No, no, that's absurd; the idea makes one pallid.
+    This many and many a day from my door
+  Without a top-coat or a gingham I've sallied;
+                    And now, will it pour?
+
+  O nonsense! The omens have all been so cheery;
+    _The Times_, in its forecasts, have been so cock-sure.
+  Can we all have been wrong? Nay, a prospect so dreary
+                    I cannot endure.
+
+  Some local disturbances truly I've heard of.
+    Our foes make the most of such little mishaps;
+  But then they mean nothing; it's really absurd of
+                    The ignorant chaps.
+
+  At Spalding or Coventry weather may vary;--
+    And yet, when the "area of change" gets too wide,
+  Men fancy it's more than a passing vagary;--
+                    Ay, even _our_ side.
+
+  Tap! Tap! Yes there _is_ a perceptible tumble.
+    One can't "square" the weather or "get at" the glass.
+  A storm? Oh! 'twas merely the least little rumble,--
+                    'Twill probably pass.
+
+  Yes. Up in the North there 'tis always unsettled;
+    I fancy we shan't be so shifty down South.
+  No, really there's not the least call to be nettled,
+                    Or down in the mouth.
+
+  I'll take my umbrella,--a useful possession,
+    Yes, even in summer with wind in the east.
+  But this--oh! it's merely a "local depression";--
+                    I _hope_ so, at least!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HAZARD OF A--DYE.
+
+Supposing that when our soldiers and sailors were armed with worthless
+bayonets and useless cutlasses, a war had broken out.
+
+And supposing that our Army had been defeated on account of those worthless
+bayonets.
+
+And supposing our sailors had been slaughtered by hundreds on account of
+those useless cutlasses.
+
+And supposing the country had been successfully invaded because the nation
+had improper arms of defence.
+
+And supposing, wild with ruin, revenge, and misery, the remains of the Army
+and Navy had met Sir JOHN ADYE.
+
+Supposing they had. Well, what then?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PRIZE PARLIAMENTARY PUZZLE.--"The End of the Session."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "GLASS FALLING!"
+
+"HM!--GOING BACK! AH!--ONLY A _LOCAL DEPRESSION_!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SOOTHING SONG FOR AUGUST.
+
+[Illustration: Taking a Pull on the Watery Main.]
+
+  Far from placid pleasure
+    Fashion's nomads roam;
+  Wisdom finds the treasure
+  In its fullest measure
+    Peacefully at home.
+
+  Free from by-the-way bores
+    Of hotel and train,
+  Rest we from our labours,
+  With our fair young neighbours
+    Round us once again.
+
+  Bees in drowsy fettle
+    Lazy lilies rob;
+  Slumbrously they settle,
+  Thrumming like a kettle
+    On the Summer's hob.
+
+  Flies their mystic mazes
+    Intricately thread,
+  Where the sunshine blazes
+  Through the cedarn hazes,
+    Just above my head.
+
+  Pussy, with her fur feet
+    Curled beneath her breast,
+  Drowzes where the turf-heat
+  Soothes her with a surfeit
+    Of delicious rest.
+
+  Now a laughing quarrel
+    Stirs the stilly air,
+  Where, beyond the laurel,
+  With their white apparel
+    Glistening in the glare,
+
+  Boys and girls together
+    Make a gallant crew,
+  Boys in highest feather,
+  Girls like summer weather,
+    Bright and sweet and true.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR EXCHANGE AND MART.
+
+SOME MORE HOLIDAY INQUIRIES.
+
+NOVEL YACHTING EXPEDITION. UNIQUE CHANCE.--A Gentleman of marked nautical
+proclivities, who has lately, through the demise of a great-uncle, come
+into the possession of a Penny Steamer in a very fair condition of repair,
+is anxious to meet with one or two persons of similar tastes who would be
+disposed to start with him on a Summer Tour, for the purpose of leisurely
+navigating the vessel, in a tentative fashion, round the British Isles. As
+he would not take a Pilot with him, but proposes when in doubt either to
+ask his way from the nearest Coastguard by signal, or run in shore and get
+out and walk, he thinks the voyage would not be without excitement and
+variety, and would be likely to afford some novel seafaring experience to
+the naval amateur in search of pleasing adventure. The course, as at
+present mapped out, would be from Putney Bridge to Margate, Plymouth,
+Holyhead, Skye, Aberdeen, by the German Ocean past Hull, Yarmouth,
+Clacton-on-Sea, Southend, back again, finishing the journey at Battersea
+Reach, but it would probably be varied by wind and weather, the exigences
+of which would naturally have to be taken into account. The crew will
+consist of three experienced Channel stewards, a bargee, a retired pirate,
+and a cabin-boy, and will be under the command of the advertiser, who,
+though fresh to the work, has little doubt but that, with a friendly hint
+or two from his fellow-yachtsmen, he will be able to manage it. N.B.--Each
+Passenger provided with a Royal Humane Society's drag. For all further
+particulars apply to "PORT-ADMIRAL," 117, Rope Walk, Chelsea, S.W.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EXCEPTIONAL PSYCHOLOGICAL OPPORTUNITY. HAUNTED CASTLE TO LET.--A Baronet,
+in the North of England, who can himself stand residence in it no longer,
+is anxious to meet with a suitable Tenant for his Family Mansion likely to
+appreciate the mysterious horrors with which, owing to the crimes of his
+ancestors in times past, it is now nightly associated. The chief
+manifestation consists in the appearance, after midnight, in an
+oak-panelled bedroom, of a huge black wolf, accompanied by a little old man
+in a bag-wig and faded blue velvet coat, who, looking sadly at the
+occupant, and saying, in a mournful voice, "I've lost my return-ticket!"
+vanishes suddenly, together with his swarthy companion, into the
+linen-cupboard. As this apparition is frequently followed by the sound as
+of a man in a complete suit of armour falling head-over-heels down six
+flights of stairs, and ultimately, amidst prolonged and piercing shrieks,
+apparently lodging in the coal-cellar, a member of the Society for
+Promoting Psychical Research could not fail to find the whole experience a
+singularly pleasing one. Several people having already been frightened into
+fits through passing a night in the castle, a practical joker, who wished
+to have a little fun at the expense of an aged and invalid relative or two,
+could not do better than ask them down for a week, and let them take turns
+at sleeping in the bedroom in question. Address, "BARONET," Goblynhurst,
+Howlover.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TIGER-SHOOTING AT HOME. PRIME SPORT WITH BIG GAME.--A Country Clergyman,
+who, having taken charge of a Menagerie for an invalid friend, has had the
+misfortune to let nearly the whole of it escape and get loose in his
+parish, would be glad to have the assistance of several Sportsmen of wide
+Indian and African experience, who would be willing to join him in an
+effort either to kill, or, if possible, recapture it at the very earliest
+opportunity. Though the Advertiser has succeeded in temporarily securing
+three lions, a chimpanzee, a couple of hyaenas, and a young hippopotamus in
+the Vicarage drawing-room, and has managed to envelope a boa-constrictor in
+a lawn-tennis net, yet, as five full-grown Bengal tigers, and about thirty
+other wild beasts of a miscellaneous character are at large in the village,
+and have, to his knowledge, already devoured the Postman, the Curate, a
+School Inspector, and both the horses of the Local Railway Omnibus, he
+feels that no time ought to be lost in replying to his appeal. One or two
+Experts, armed with Hotchkiss Guns, would be of use, and might write. Would
+be glad to hear from a Battery of Horse Artillery. Address, The VICAR, High
+Roaring, Notts.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AERIAL VOYAGE. ADVANTAGEOUS EXPERIMENT FOR THE SHORT-SIGHTED.--A Gentleman
+who has long been suffering from a chronic affection of the eyes, and has
+been recommended by his medical adviser to try the stimulating effect of
+mountain air, having conceived the idea of procuring it for himself by
+making an ascent in a second-hand and slightly damaged balloon that he has
+purchased for the purpose, will be glad to hear from one or two thoroughly
+skilled and experienced Aeronauts similarly afflicted, who would regard the
+beneficent results of being able to accompany him as an equivalent for the
+professional services they might render to the carrying out of the
+undertaking. As the Advertiser's idea is to start from some convenient
+Gas-Works in the Midland Counties, and keep a steady northward course by
+holding on, before the wind, with a line and grappling-hook to the system
+of telegraphic wires running alongside one of the great central railways,
+and as he proposes merely stopping occasionally _en route_ to unroof the
+house of some local medical man when any of the party are in need of
+advice, he confidently anticipates that the trip will not be devoid of
+novel and exciting features that will invest it with a distinctively fresh
+and exhilarating character. For full and further particulars of the
+enterprise, which have been carefully thought out, apply, by letter, to "IN
+NUBIBUS," Uppingham Lodge, Mount-Rising, Ayrshire.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THREE THOUSAND BLAZING ACRES TO LET.--A Scotch Laird, who has, by some
+accident in celebrating Her Majesty's Jubilee, managed to set fire to his
+entire property, the whole of which, after smouldering for a season, has
+since burst into a violent conflagration, which he can neither diminish nor
+control, would be willing to let it at a comparatively low rental to a
+London Sportsman sufficient novice in grouse-shooting not to be surprised
+at picking up his birds already roasted in the heather. As at the end of a
+day's trudging in the blinding heat of a Sahara through smoking covers,
+accompanied by a powerful steam fire-engine, he will probably discover that
+he has only succeeded in making a bag consisting of one singed "cheeper,"
+the "shooting" is likely to prove more attractive to the amateur unfamiliar
+with the rifle, but accustomed to the tropical heat of a Central African
+Summer, than satisfactory to a professional marksman counting on
+dispatching from a breezy moorland fifty brace or so to his relatives and
+friends.--For terms, &c., apply to THE MAC SALAMANDER, Flaimhaugh, Glen
+Blayse, N.B.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+By a Canterbury Belle.
+
+(_Song at the End of the great Cricket Week._)
+
+  Fine weather, fair cricket, the bold "Men of Kent"
+    To flirt and bet gloves--thirty pairs are my winnings!--
+  Why, yes, on the whole I'm extremely content;
+    'Tis the nicest of _outings_ to witness such _innings_.
+
+  _Chorus_--A Cricketer _should_ be an excellent match
+      Because he is certain to be "a good catch."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SNAP-SHOTS FOR THE TWELFTH.
+
+An Extended Tract of Moor.
+
+A Second Laying.
+
+Heavy Bags are Difficult to Secure.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ANTHROPOPHAGOUS.
+
+_Little Nephew._ "UNCLE, YOU MUST BE A SORT O' CANNIBAL, I----"
+
+_Uncle_ (_on a visit_). "A WHAT, SIR!? WHA'D'YER MEAN, SIR?"
+
+_Nephew._ "'CAUSE MA' SAID YOU WAS ALWAYS LIVIN' ON SOMEBODY!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FOREIGN (LANGUAGE) COMPETITION.
+
+CARE EDITOR,--SENTIO obligatus scribere ad te propter extraordinariam novam
+departuram quam Gubernator recenter fecit. (Scribo Latine, quia si ille
+legit hoc, _non poterit intelligere_! Praetendit intelligere Classica
+perfecte, sed habeo graves dubitationes de illo. Hoc est inter nos.)
+
+Sunt nostri holidies nunc, ut tu sine dubio es awarus; et, alio mane, Pater
+subito nunciavit suam intentionem detrahere me de Etonis, et mittere me ad
+aliquem Tutorem in Germania, "in ordinem ut discam modernas linguas, sic
+importantes (ille ait) in cursu vitae nunc-dies."
+
+Fui attonitus, ut tu potes imaginare. Nam Gubernator, ut totus mundus
+noscit, semper fuit laudator Classicorum. ("Omne ignotum pro magnifico,"
+intelligis; habeo illum illic, nonne? Hoc quoque est inter nos.) In facto,
+pro momento ego fui "percussus omnis cumuli," ut dictum est.
+
+Habere linquere Etonas, tam jolliam scholam! Et ire ad istos Teutones, qui
+non possunt ludere vel cricketum vel footballum, et sunt generaliter
+horribiles muffi! Id est nimis malum pro verbis.
+
+Vide explanationem paternae inconsistentiae! Forsitan vidisti, O PUNCHE,
+quomodo aliqui journales pestilentes recenter abusi sunt Classicas linguas.
+Bene, Gubernator legit hos journales, et nunc odit Graecum et Latinum. Ego
+ipse odi Graecum, sed Germanum est multo pejus, si possibile. Ut pro
+Gallico, non est ita difficile, excepta pronunciatione, quae est bestiissima
+res umquam inventa. Sed "malo mispronunciare ad Etonas, quam in Continenti
+recte dicere," ut CICERO dicit.
+
+Protestavi contra novam ideam Gubernatoris tantum quam audeo; sed habeo
+esse cautus, quia Gubernator non amat contradictionem. Fit cereus, si
+contradicitur. Argui tamen ut obliviscar omnia mea Classica in Germania
+celerius quam potes dicere "Johannes Robinson;" nam unum caput non potest
+tenere Graecum, Latinum, Germanum, _et_ Gallicum. Gubernator iracunde
+respondit ut "_meum_ caput non potest tenere aliquam rem, ut videtur." Hoc
+est abominabilis libellus (inter nos iterum).
+
+Tunc posui ante eum pericula duellorum. Juvenes Teutonici omnes ineunt pro
+duellis, ut habeo auditum. Pater (crudelis!) fecit extreme leve hujus
+periculi. "Si redeam sine naso, quid tum?" dixi. "Erit propria poena,"
+Gubernator sarcastice respondit, "pro negligente NASONEM ad scholam." Ille,
+percipis, "ridet ad cicatrices, quia nunquam sensit vulnus." Laudat
+Caput-Magistros Marlburienses et Harrovienses et Winchesterenses pro
+expellendo Graecum de Intranti Examinatione pro illis scholis. Sperat ut "in
+nullo tempore ero bonus Germanus scholaris"; sed ego dubito. Dixi ad eum ut
+sola Germana verba que nosco sunt "Die Wacht am Rhein." Gubernator
+respondit ut meus Tutor donaret mihi "die whacks am Rhein" si negligo
+curriculum studiorum. Jocus est extreme pauper. Admiror si Tutor vere
+donabit id mihi calidum? O care Editor, nonne potes facere aliquam rem pro
+retinente me ad Etonas? Tuus disconsolatus,
+
+TOMMIUS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SEA-DREAMS.
+
+_By John Bull_ a propos _of the Naval Manoeuvres._
+
+  FALMOUTH in flames! By Jove, that _sounds_ a stunner!
+  FREMANTLE'S given HEWETT a fair "oner,"
+  Somehow I feel I'd rather by a hantle,
+  HEWETT had given toko to FREMANTLE.
+  I dare say it's all right; yet there's no telling,
+  What might be the result of _real_ shelling.
+  Like the far-famed young lady of Devizes,
+  FREMANTLE'S _forte_ appears to be surprises,
+  Splendid no doubt, but, after all expenses,
+  I feel more interested in _defences_.
+  Of course for FREMANTLE to dumfog HEWETT,
+  (And show a world of watchers _how to do it_)
+  Is first-rate practice; an eye-opener verily;
+  Only I fancy I should laugh more merrily,
+  If _my_ eyes were the only optics gazing,
+  Upon a feat that's no doubt most amazing;
+  The Thames' mouth occupied by a fine fleet!
+  The sight--as the fleet's mine--of course is sweet,
+  But there's one thought that rather makes me blench:--
+  _Supposing that FREMANTLE had been French?_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"BOOTIFUL."--The good people of Stafford have given HER MAJESTY as a
+Jubilee present a cabinet containing about two hundred pairs of boots and
+shoes. Evidently the stock is intended to last until HER MAJESTY reaches
+her next Jubilee, when, no doubt, the gift will be repeated!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+STRIKING EFFECTS.--For further particulars, apply to the Midland Railway
+Company.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: INTERIORS AND EXTERIORS. No. 50.
+
+GRAND PARLIAMENTARY CRICKET MATCH.
+
+(_Facsimile of Sketch by Our Electric Special._)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_Monday Night, August 1._--Prince Louis of BATTENBERG had better be making
+inquiries as to return trains for Germany. W. REDMOND "has had his
+attention called to him," and PICKERSGILL has his eye upon him. German
+Prince been appointed to command of _Dreadnought_ over thirty British
+Officers who had precedence for promotion. W. REDMOND elicited more general
+cheering than usually falls to his lot when he wanted to know what reason
+could be given for so extraordinary a mark of confidence? GEORGY HAMILTON
+explained that there was best possible reason. Prince LOUIS a heaven-born
+sea-Captain. No one like him among ordinary Britishers. Appointed to
+_Dreadnought_ simply because he was best possible man. Then PICKERSGILL
+came to front. Couldn't object to First Lord's personal preference, but
+gave notice that if Prince LOUIS were confirmed in command of _Dreadnought_
+he would move that his salary be disallowed. More cheers. Idea of German
+Princeling holding office, however honourable, without drawing a salary
+struck Commons as comical. Subject seemed to drop here. But COMMERELL,
+having by this time had another question on other subject put and answered,
+collected his thoughts, rose and begged to say that "Prince Louis of
+BATTENBERG served under me, and a more efficient officer----" Here sentence
+came to abrupt conclusion. Angry cries of "Order!" stormed round gallant
+Admiral. COMMERELL a man of proved valour, as the Victoria Cross worn on
+his breast on Jubilee Day and other high festivities testifies. But his
+bronzed cheek blanched under this assault. He stared round a moment
+speechless, and resumed his seat.
+
+House in Committee through long hours on Irish Land Bill. Dulness enlivened
+towards midnight by encounter between CHAMBERLAIN and GRANDOLPH.
+CHAMBERLAIN began it; GRANDOLPH by no means backward. Rebuked CHAMBERLAIN
+for "characteristic sneer," upon which CHAMBERLAIN smartly retorted. The
+interesting episode concluded by HARTINGTON announcing his intention to
+vote against CHAMBERLAIN and with the Government. HARCOURT much pleased.
+
+[Illustration: E. H. P-ck-rsg-ll.]
+
+[Illustration: M-cl-n interposes.]
+
+"This is only the beginning," he said. "GRANDOLPH and CHAMBERLAIN have
+evidently quarrelled. HARTINGTON doesn't bind himself to go with
+CHAMBERLAIN; and altogether the Unionist Party seems a little disunited."
+
+_Business done._--Irish Land Bill in Committee.
+
+_Tuesday._--Questions over there was a pretty scene. JOHN DILLON complained
+of allegation in provincial newspaper that he had applauded a statement
+that in a riot at Belfast several children and a young lady school-teacher,
+the daughter of Lord SLIGO'S Agent, were seriously hurt. Hadn't proceeded
+far with explanation when voice from neighbourhood of Treasury Bench called
+out, "It is true!"
+
+"Who says it's true?" shouted JOHN, flashing a baleful glance on Treasury
+Bench.
+
+At first he thought the interrupter was Old Morality, but his air of
+perfect innocence repulsed suspicion. Was it DE WORMS, turning as, it is
+written, his family sometimes do? EDWARD CLARKE looked more guilty, so JOHN
+"named" him; denied the soft impeachment. HALSEY admitted it, and was
+backed up by half-a-dozen Members, including MACLEAN. Bore personal
+testimony to having heard the applause when incident was mentioned.
+
+"I say it is true!" they repeated one after the other.
+
+"And I say it is false!" JOHN DILLON roared, and proceeded to denounce
+Members opposite in language which speedily brought up the SPEAKER.
+
+After a while MACLEAN again interposed. Demanded to be heard whilst he
+asserted in detail the general accuracy of the newspaper paragraph, whilst
+of course acquitting DILLON "if he said he did not join in applause."
+Parnellites, oddly enough, left all the fighting to JOHN, who was finally
+put down by SPEAKER. After this pleasant interlude, House resumed Committee
+on Land Bill. Proceedings dolorous, and House empty. At one time sitting
+nearly brought to end by a Count.
+
+_Business done._--Irish Land Bill.
+
+_Thursday._--Enter TREVELYAN; exit EDWARD RUSSELL, the latter carrying with
+him the consciousness of that rare possession--popularity with both sides
+of the House. Everybody sorry he has gone, especially "the Dissentient
+Liberals." As PLUNKET says, "He was the gentlest-mannered Radical in the
+House." Crowded House. TREVELYAN brings his sheaves (1401) with him, in
+shape of rattling majority won at Glasgow. Everybody there but HARTINGTON
+and CHAMBERLAIN. Meeting in such circumstances with old colleague would
+have been too touching. But older colleagues, under wing of GLADSTONE, in
+full force. Determined to kill the fatted calf for the returning prodigal.
+GLADSTONE would, of course, play the part of Aged Parent; TREVELYAN the
+repentant son. But who was to stand for the fatted calf? General impression
+that HARCOURT best suited by natural gifts for the character. HARCOURT'S
+habitual modesty not to be overcome. "Wouldn't," he said, "like to play
+such a prominent part." Finally agreed that they should "imagine the calf."
+All went admirably well. Might have been managed by that veteran strategist
+the Sage of Queen Anne's Gate.
+
+[Illustration: Enter Tr-v-ly-n.]
+
+[Illustration: Exit R-ss-ll.]
+
+CHILDERS and CAMERON (both out of step with new Member) personally
+conducted him to Table. Enormous cheering, which CHILDERS gently
+deprecated. "No, my good friends," he said. "This is very kind of you. But
+there's really no credit due to me. I bring our young friend up because I,
+too, am a Scotch Member. Perhaps my success at Edinburgh may have given
+fillip to Liberalism in the Lowlands. But pray don't mention it. Any little
+services I may have rendered are overpaid by this magnificent ovation."
+
+More cheers when new Member was introduced to SPEAKER. Delighted to see
+him. Had often heard his name. Pleased with this opportunity of making his
+personal acquaintance. Should be sure to know him again if he met him. All
+this lively and entertaining. But great scene artistically conceived for
+end of play. TREVELYAN, passing round back of SPEAKER'S chair, proceeding
+in search of quiet seat, beheld strange spectacle on Front Opposition
+Bench. There was the Aged P. signalling from his tent. Signal taken up by
+retainers and carried down crowded bench. Only in the place of honour must
+the new Member sit. Never made so much fuss of before. Last time took oath
+and seat, no particular notice taken of double event. What had happened in
+meantime? Had he grown more eloquent; had he performed some conspicuous
+service; or had he increased in personal esteem of those who know him? The
+latter impossible. In the former no change. He had merely kicked over
+traces and was now come back to run in them. Thought of this with some
+bitterness. But reception well meant. There was the Aged P. violently
+beckoning with venerable forefinger, and the errant son made his way up to
+him, fell on his neck and kissed him----this of course in a Parliamentary
+sense.
+
+_Business done._--Army Estimates.
+
+_Friday._--House of Lords rent to its centre by deadly, blood-curdling,
+butter-melting controversy. Question is, shall it be Butterine or
+Margarine? The usually hostile camps streaked with enemies. A Noble Lord,
+who stands stoutly for Butterine, finds himself seated with another Peer,
+who swears by Margarine, and _vice versa_. When division comes there is
+woful cross-voting. It is BASING who appropriately brings on subject, and
+WEMYSS who moves that the compound be called Butterine, instead of
+Margarine. Everyone in high spirits, sustained by a free collation, served
+out at the door. This attraction rather militated against full success of
+debate. Noble Lords "asking for more," of course having to linger outside
+till they'd eaten it. BASING (long known to us as SCLATER-BOOTH) revelled
+in his subject, and thanked the Markiss he was made a Peer in time to take
+part in discussion. ARGYLL brought his massive mind to bear on Butterine;
+GRANVILLE toyed with the subject; and WEMYSS was more than usually
+emphatic. BRAMWELL had promised to speak for Butterine. Place empty when
+turn came.
+
+"Where's BRAMWELL? He should be up next," said WEMYSS.
+
+"Ah," said ROSEBERY,
+
+  "Would you know where last I saw him,
+  He was eating bread and butterine."
+
+Messengers despatched to corridor and BRAMWELL brought in with his mouth
+full. A stirring debate, but Butterine was nowhere. BRAMWELL having
+demonstrated Margarine was "not the correct name for the substitute known
+as Butterine," their Lordships by large majority voted for Margarine.
+
+_Business done._--In Commons Land Bill again.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A NEW WERSION OF AN OLD SONG.
+
+(_By a thorough Port-soakian._)
+
+  The LORD MARE leads an appy life,
+  He has no cares of party strife,
+  He drinks the best of hevry wine,
+  I wish the LORD MARE'S lot was mine.
+
+  And, yet all appy's not his lot,
+  Although he has his title got;
+  He hardly once alone can dine--
+  would not that his lot was mine.
+
+  A Alderman more pleases me,
+  He leads a life of jollitee:
+  He nobly dines, has naught to pay,
+  And has his health drunk ev'ry day.
+
+  And though he has to sham delite
+  At weary speeches nite by nite,
+  And to administer the Law
+  Without no blunders or no flaw,
+
+  Still, though I but a Waiter be,
+  The LORD MARE'S life would not suit me,
+  But, while I drains my flowing can,
+  I'll fancy I'm a Alderman!
+
+  ROBERT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+POETRY OF PARLIAMENT.--A debate in the House of Commons corresponding to
+the verse named Alexandrine--"Which, like a wounded snake, drags its slow
+length along."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SEASONABLE FIELD-SPORT.--Leather-hunting.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed
+Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be
+returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope,
+Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+*** Transcriber's Note: "I" inserted into the beginning of the last line of
+the sixth stanza of "Glass Falling", page 66.***
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume
+93, August 13, 1887, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LONDON CHARIVARI, VOLUME 93 ***
+
+***** This file should be named 25361.txt or 25361.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
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