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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 02:16:23 -0700 |
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| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 02:16:23 -0700 |
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diff --git a/25305-h/25305-h.htm b/25305-h/25305-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c23ad67 --- /dev/null +++ b/25305-h/25305-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,8297 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" +"http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" xml:lang="en" lang="en"> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=utf-8" /> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Style-Type" content="text/css" /> +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Memoirs Of Fanny Hill, by John Cleland</title> + +<style type="text/css"> + +body { margin-left: 20%; + margin-right: 20%; + text-align: justify } + +h1, h2, h3, h4, h5 {text-align: center; font-style: normal; font-weight: +normal; line-height: 1.5; margin-top: .5em; margin-bottom: .5em;} + +h1 {font-size: 300%; + margin-top: 0.6em; + margin-bottom: 0.6em; + letter-spacing: 0.12em; + word-spacing: 0.2em; + text-indent: 0em;} +h2 {font-size: 175%; margin-top: 2em; margin-bottom: 2em;} +h3 {font-size: 150%; margin-top: 2em;} +h4 {font-size: 120%;} +h5 {font-size: 110%;} + +hr {width: 80%; margin-top: 2em; margin-bottom: 2em;} + +div.chapter {page-break-before: always; margin-top: 4em;} + +p {text-indent: 1em; + margin-top: 0.25em; + margin-bottom: 0.25em; } + +.p2 {margin-top: 2em;} + +p.poem {text-indent: 0%; + margin-left: 10%; + font-size: 90%; + margin-top: 1em; + margin-bottom: 1em; } + +p.letter {text-indent: 0%; + margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; + margin-top: 1em; + margin-bottom: 1em; } + +p.noindent {text-indent: 0% } + +p.center {text-align: center; + text-indent: 0em; + margin-top: 1em; + margin-bottom: 1em; } + +p.right {text-align: right; + margin-right: 10%; + margin-top: 1em; + margin-bottom: 1em; } + +div.fig { display:block; + margin:0 auto; + text-align:center; } + +a:link {color:blue; text-decoration:none} +a:visited {color:blue; text-decoration:none} +a:hover {color:red} + +</style> + +</head> + +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 25305 ***</div> + +<h1>Memoirs Of Fanny Hill</h1> + +<h2>by John Cleland</h2> + +<h4><i>A new and genuine edition from the original text (London, 1749).</i></h4> + +<h4>PARIS—ISIDORE LISEUX</h4> + +<h5> Of this Edition, privately printed, there are<br/> +350 numbered copies, of which this is number 111.</h5> + +<hr /> + +<h3>Contents</h3> + +<table summary="" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto"> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#chap01">LETTER THE FIRST</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#chap02">LETTER THE SECOND</a></td> +</tr> + +</table> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h3><a name="chap01"></a>LETTER THE FIRST</h3> + +<h4>Madam,</h4> + +<p> +I sit down to give you an undeniable proof of my considering your desires as +indispensable orders. Ungracious then as the task may be, I shall recall to +view those scandalous stages of my life, out of which I emerged, at length, to +the enjoyment of every blessing in the power of love, health and fortune to +bestow; whilst yet in the flower of youth, and not too late to employ the +leisure afforded me by great ease and affluence, to cultivate an understanding, +naturally not a despicable one, and which had, even amidst the whirl of loose +pleasures I had been tossed in, exerted more observation on the characters and +manners of the world than what is common to those of my unhappy profession, +who, looking on all though or reflection as their capital enemy, keep it at as +great a distance as they can, or destroy it without mercy. +</p> + +<p> +Hating, as I mortally do, all long unnecessary prefaces, I shall give you good +quarter in this, and use no farther apology, than to prepare you for seeing the +loose part of my life, written with the same liberty that I led it. +</p> + +<p> +Truth! stark, naked truth, is the word; and I will not so much as take the +pains to bestow the strip of a gauze wrapper on it, but paint situations such +as they actually rose to me in nature, careless of violating those laws of +decency that were never made for such unreserved intimacies as ours; and you +have too much sense, too much knowledge of the originals, to sniff prudishly +and out of character at the pictures of them. The greatest men, those of the +first and most leading taste, will not scruple adorning their private closets +with nudities, though, in compliance with vulgar prejudices, they may not think +them decent decorations of the staircase, or salon. +</p> + +<p> +This, and enough, premised, I go souse into my personal history. My maiden name +was Frances Hill. I was born at a small village near Liverpool, in Lancashire, +of parents extremely poor, and, I piously believe, extremely honest. +</p> + +<p> +My father, who had received a maim on his limbs, that disabled him from +following the more laborious branches of country drudgery, got, by making nets, +a scanty subsistence, which was not much enlarged by my mother’s keeping +a little day-school for the girls in her neighborhood. They had had several +children; but none lived to any age except myself, who had received from nature +a constitution perfectly healthy. +</p> + +<p> +My education, till past fourteen, was no better than very vulgar: reading, or +rather spelling, an illegible scrawl, and a little ordinary plain work, +composed the whole system of it; and then all my foundation in virtue was no +other than a total ignorance of vice, and the shy timidity general to our sex, +in the tender age of life, when objects alarm or frighten more by their novelty +than anything else. But then, this is a fear too often cured at the expense of +innocence, when Miss, by degrees, begins no longer to look on a man as a +creature of prey that will eat her. +</p> + +<p> +My poor mother had divided her time so entirely between her scholars and her +little domestic cares, that she had spared very little to my instruction, +having, from her own innocence from all ill, no hint or thought of guarding me +against any. +</p> + +<p> +I was now entering on my fifteenth year, when the worst of ills befell me in +the loss of my fond, tender parents, who were both carried off by the +small-pox, within a few days of each other; my father dying first, and thereby +by hastening the death of my mother: so that I was now left an unhappy +friendless orphan (for my father’s coming to settle there, was +accidental, he being originally a Kentisrman). That cruel distemper which had +proved so fatal to them, had indeed seized me, but with such mild and +favourable symptoms, that I was presently out of danger, and what then I did +not know the value of, was entirely unmarked I skip over here an account of the +natural grief and affliction which I felt on this melancholy occasion. A little +time, and the giddiness of that age, dissipated too soon my reflections on that +irreparable loss; but nothing contributed more to reconcile me to it, than the +notions that were immediately put into my head, of going to London, and looking +out for a service, in which I was promised all assistance and advice from one +Esther Davis, a young woman that had beer down to see her friends, and who, +after the stay of a few days, was returned to her place. +</p> + +<p> +As I had now nobody left alive in the village, who had concern enough about +what should become of me, to start any objections to this scheme, and the woman +who took care of me after my parents’ death, rather encouraged me to +pursue it, I soon came to a resolution of making this launch into the wide +world, by repairing to London, in order to seek my fortune, a phrase which, by +the bye, has ruined more adventurers of both sexes, from the country, than ever +it made or advanced. +</p> + +<p> +Nor did Esther Davis a little comfort and inspirit me to venture with her, by +piquing my childish curiosity with the fine sights that were to be seen in +London: the Tombs, the Lions, the King, the Royal Family, the fine Plays and +Operas, and, in short, all the diversions which fell within her sphere of life +to come at; the detail of all which perfectly turned the little head of me. +</p> + +<p> +Nor can I remember, without laughing, the innocent admiration, not without a +spice of envy, with which we poor girls, whose church-going clothes did not +rise above dowlas shifts and stuff gowns, beplaced with silver: all which we +imagined grew in London, and entered for a great deal into my determination of +trying to come in for my share of them. +</p> + +<p> +The idea however of having the company of a towns-woman with her, was the +trivial, and all the motives that engaged Esther to take charge of me during my +journey to town, where she told me, after the manner and style, “as how +several maids out of the country had made themselves and all their kind for +ever: that by preserving their virtue, some had taken so with their masters, +that they had married them, and kept them coaches, and lived vastly grand and +happy; and some, may-hap, came to be Duchesses; luck was all, and why not I, as +well as another?”; with other almanacs to this purpose, which set me a +tip-toe to begin this promising journey, and to leave a place which, though my +native one, contained no relations that I had reason to regret, and was grown +insupportable to me, from the change of the tenderest usage into a cold air of +charity, with which I was entertained, even at the only friend’s house +that I had the least expectation of care and protection from. She was, however, +so just to me, as to manage the turning into money the little matters that +remained to me after the debts and burial charges were allowed for, and, at my +departure, put my whole fortune into my hands; which consisted of a very +slender wardrobe, packed up in a very portable box, and eight guineas, with +seventeen shillings in silver, stowed in a spring-pouch, which was a greater +treasure than I ever had seen together, and which I could not conceive there +was a possibility of running out; and indeed, I was so entirely taken up with +the joy of seeing myself mistress of such an immence sum, that I gave very +little attention to a world of good advice which was given me with it. +</p> + +<p> +Places, then, being taken for Esther and me in the Chester waggon, I pass over +a very immaterial scene of leave-taking, at which I droped a few tears betwixt +grief and joy; and, for the same reasons of insignificance, skip over all that +happened to me on the road, such as the waggoner’s looking liquorish on +me, the schemes laid for me by some of the passengers, which were defeated by +the valiance of my guardian Esther; who, to do her justice, took a motherly +care of me, at the same time that she taxed me for the protection by making me +bear all travelling charges, which I defrayed with the unmost cheerfulness, and +thought myself much obliged to her into the bargain. +</p> + +<p> +She took indeed great care that we were not overrated, or imposed on, as well +as of managing as frugally as possible; expensiveness was not her vice. +</p> + +<p> +It was pretty late in a summer evening when we reached the town, in our slow +conveyance, though drawn by six at length. As we passed through the greatest +streets that led to our inn, the noise, of the coaches, the hurry, the crowds +of foot passengers, in short, the new scenery of the shops and houses, at once +pleased and amazed me. +</p> + +<p> +But guess at my mortification and surprise when we came to the inn, and our +things were landed and delivered to us, when my fellow traveller and +protectress, Esther Davis, who had used me with the utmost tenderness during +the journey, and prepared me by no preceedings signs for the stunning blow I +was to receive, when I say, my only dependence and friend, in this strange +place, all of a sudden assumed a strange and cool air towards me, as if she +dreaded my becoming a burden to her. +</p> + +<p> +Instead, then, of proffering me the continuance of her assistance and good +offices, which I relied upon, and never more wanted, she thought herself, it +seems, abundantly acquitted of her engagements to me, by having brought me safe +to my journey’s end, and seeing nothing in her procedure towards me but +what natural and in order, began to embrace me by the way of taking leave, +whilst I was so confounded, so struck, that I had not spirit or sense enough so +much as to mention my hopes or expectations from her experience, and knowledge +of the place she had brought me to. +</p> + +<p> +Whilst I stood thus stupid and mute, which she doubtless attributed to nothing +more than a concern at parting, this idea procured me perhaps a slight +alleviation of it, in the following harangue: “That now we were got safe +to London, and that she was obliged to go to her place, she advised me by all +means to get into one as soon as possible; that I need not fear getting one; +there were more places than parish-churches; that she advised me to go to an +intelligence office; that if she heard of any thing stirring, she would find me +out and let me know; that in the meantime, I should take a private lodging, and +acquaint her where to send to me; that she wished me good luck, and hoped I +should always have the grace to keep myself honest, and not bringing a disgrace +on my parentage.” With this; she took her leave of me, and left me, as it +were, on my own hands, full as lightly as I had been put into hers. +</p> + +<p> +Left thus alone, absolutely destitute and friendless I began then to feel most +bitterly the severity of this separation, the scene of which had passed in a +little room in the inn; and no sooner was her back turned, but the affliction I +felt at my helpless strange circumstances, burst out into a flood of tears, +which infinitely relieved the oppression of my heart; though I still remained +stupified, and most perfectly perplexed how to dispose of myself. +</p> + +<p> +One of the drawers coming in, added yet more to my uncertainty, by asking me, +in a short way, if I called for anything? to which I replied innocently: +“No.” But I wished him to tell me where I might get a lodging for +that night. He said he would go and speak to his mistress, who accordingly +came, and told me drily, without entering in the least into the distress she +saw me in, that I might have a bed for a shilling, and that, as she supposed I +had some friends in town (there I fetched a deep sigh in vain!), I might +provide for myself in the morning. +</p> + +<p> +It is incredible what trifling consolations the human mind will seize in its +greatest afflictions. The assurance of nothing more than a bed to lie on that +night, calmed my agonies; and being ashamed to acquaint the mistress of the inn +that I had no friends to apply to in town, I proposed to myself to proceed, the +very next morning, to an intelligence office, to which I was furnished with +written directions on the back of a ballad, Esther had given me. There I +counted on getting information of any place that such a country girl as I might +be fit for, and where I could get into any sort of being, before my little +stock should be consumed; and as to a character, Esther had often repeated to +me, that I might depend on her managing me one; nor, however affected I was at +her leaving me thus, did I entirely cease to rely on her, as I began to think, +good-naturedly, that her procedure was all in course, and that is was only my +ignorance of life that had made me take it in the light I at first did. +</p> + +<p> +Accordingly, the next morning I dressed myself as clean and as neat as my +rustic wardrobe would permit me; and having left my box, with special +recommendation, with the landlady, I ventured out by myself, and without any +more difficulty than can be supposed of a young country girl, barely fifteen, +and to whom every sign or shop was a gazing trap, I got to the wished for +intelligence office. +</p> + +<p> +It was kept by an elderly woman, who sat at the receipt of custom, with a book +before her in great form and order, and several scrolls made out, of directions +for places. +</p> + +<p> +I made up then to this important personage, without lifting up my eyes or +observing any of the people round me, who were attending there on the same +errand as myself, and dropping her curtsies nine deep, just made a shift to +stammer out my business to her. +</p> + +<p> +Madam heard me out, with all the gravity and brow of a petty minister of State, +and seeing at one glance over my figure what I was, made me no answer, but to +ask me the preliminary shilling, on receipt of which she told me places for +women too slight built for hard work: but that she would look over her book, +and see what was to be done for me, desiring me to stay a little, till she had +dispatched some other customers. +</p> + +<p> +On this I drew back a little, most heartily mortified at a declaration which +carried with it a killing uncertainly, that my circumstances could not well +endure. +</p> + +<p> +Presently, assuming more courage, and seeking some diversion from my uneasy +thoughts, I ventured to lift up my head a little, and sent my eyes on a course +round the room, where they met full tilt with those of a lady (for such my +extreme innocence pronounced her) sitting in a corner of the room, dressed in a +velvet mantle (in the midst of summer), with her bonnet off; squat, fat, +red-faced, and at least fifty. +</p> + +<p> +She looked as if she would devour me with her eyes, staring at me from head to +foot, without the least regard to the confusion and blushes her eyeing me so +fixedly put me to, and which were to her, no doubt, the strongest +recommendation and marks of my being fit for her purpose. After a little time, +in which my air, person and whole figure had undergone a strict examination, +which I had, on my part, tried to render favourable to me, by primming, drawing +up my neck, and setting my best looks, she advanced and spoke to me with the +greatest demureness: +</p> + +<p> +“Sweet-heart, do you want a place? +</p> + +<p> +“Yes, and please you,” (with a curtsey down to the ground). +</p> + +<p> +Upon this she acquainted me she was actually come to the office herself, to +look out for a servant; that she believed I might do, with a little of her +instruction; that she could take my very looks for a sufficient character; that +London was a very wicked, vile, place; that she hoped I would be tractable, and +keep out of bad company; in short, she said all to me that an old experienced +practitioner in town could think of, and which was much more than was necessary +to take in an artless inexperienced country maid, who was even afraid of +becoming a wanderer about the streets, and therefore gladly jumped at the first +offer of a shelter, especially from so grave and matron-like a lady, for such +my flattering fancy assured me this new mistress of mine was, I being actually +hired under the nose of the good woman that kept the office, whose shrewed +smiles and shrugs I could not help observing, and innocently interpreted them +as marks of being pleased at my getting into place so soon: but, as I +afterwards came to know, these Beldams understood one another very well, and +this was a market where Mrs. Brown, my mistress, frequently attended, on the +watch for any fresh goods that might offer there, for the use of her customers, +and her own profit. +</p> + +<p> +Madam was, however, so well pleased with her bargain that fearing I presume, +lest better advice or some accident might occasion my slipping through her +fingers, she would officiously take me in a coach to my inn, where, calling +herself for my box, it was, I being present, delivered without the least +scruple or explanation as to where I was going. +</p> + +<p> +This being over, she bid the coachman drive to a shop in St. Paul’s +Churchyard, where she bought a pair of gloves, which she gave me, and thence +renewed her directions to the coachman to drive to her house in +——— street, who accordingly landed us at the door, after I +had been cheered up and entertained by the way with the most plausible flams, +without one syllable from which I could conclude anything but that I was, by +the greatest luck, fallen into the hands of kindest mistress, not to say +friend, that the vast world could afford; and accordingly I entered her doors +with most complete confidence and exultation, promising, myself that, as soon +as I could be a little settled, I would acquaint Esther Davis with my rare good +fortune. +</p> + +<p> +You may be sure the good opinion of my place was not lessened by the appearance +of a very handsome back parlor, into which I was led and which seemed to me +magnificently furnished, who had never seen better rooms than the ordinary ones +in inns upon the road. There were two gilt pier-glasses, and a buffet, on which +a few pieces of plate, set out to the most shew, dazzled, and altogether +persuaded me that I must be got into a very reputable family. +</p> + +<p> +Here my mistress first began her part, with telling me that I must have good +spirits, and learn to be free with her; that she had not taken me to be a +common servant, to do domestic drudgery, but to be a kind of companion to her; +and that if I would be a good girl, she would do more than twenty mothers for +me; to all which I answered only by the profoundest and the awkwardest +curtsies, and a few monosyllables, such as “’yes! no! to be +sure!” +</p> + +<p> +Presently my mistress touched the bell, and in came a strapping maid-servant, +who had let us in. “Here, Martha,” said Mrs. Brown, “I have +just hired this young woman to look after my linen; so step up and show her her +chamber; and I charge you to use her with as much respect as you would myself, +for I have taken a prodigious liking to her, and I do not know what I shall do +for her.” +</p> + +<p> +Martha, who was an arch-jade, and, being used to this decoy, had her cue +perfect, made me a kind of half curtsy, and asked me to walk up with her; and +accordingly showed me a neat room, two pair of stairs backwards, in which there +was a handsome bed, where Martha told me I was to lie with a young gentlewoman, +a cousin of my mistress, who she was sure would be vastly good to me. Then she +ran out into such affected encomiums on her good mistress! her sweet mistress! +and how happy I was to light upon her! and that I could not have bespoke a +better; with other the like gross stuff, such as would itself have started +suspicions in any but such an unpractised simpleton, who was perfectly new to +life, and who took every word she said in the very sense she laid out for me to +take it; but she readily saw what a penetration she had to deal with, and +measured me very rightly in her manner of whistling to me, so as to make me +pleased with my cage, and blind to the wires. +</p> + +<p> +In the midst of these false explanations of the nature of my future service, we +were rung for down again, and I was reintroduced into the same parlour, where +there was a table laid with three covers; and my mistress had now got with her +one of her favourite girls, a notable manager of her house, and whose business +it was to prepare and break such young fillies as I was to the mounting block; +and she was accordingly, in that view, alloted me for a bed-fellow, and, to +give her the more authority, she had the title of cousin conferred on her by +the venerable president of this college. +</p> + +<p> +Here I underwent a second survey, which ended in the full approbation of Mrs. +Phœbe Ayres, the name of my tutoress elect, to whose care and instruction I +was affectionately recommended. +</p> + +<p> +Dinner was now set on table, and in pursuance of treating me as a companion, +Mrs. Brown, with a tone to cut off all dispute, soon over-ruled my most humble +and most confused protestations against sitting down with her Ladyship, which +my very short breeding just suggested to me could not be right, or in the order +of things. +</p> + +<p> +At table, the conversation was chiefly kept up by the two madams and carried on +in double meaning expressions, interrupted every now and then by kind +assurances to me, all tending to confirm and fix my satisfaction with my +present condition: augment it they could not, so very a novice was I then. +</p> + +<p> +It was here agreed that I should keep myself up and out of sight for a few +days, till such clothes could be procured for me as were fit for the character +I was to appear in, of my mistress’s companion, observing withal, that on +the first impressions of my figure much might depend; and, as they rightly +judged, the prospect of exchanging my country clothes for London finery, made +the clause of confinement digest perfectly well with me. But the truth was, +Mrs. Brown did not care that I should be seen or talked to by any, either of +her customers, or her Does (as they called the girls provided for them), till +she secured a good market for my maidenhead, which I had at least all the +appearances of having brought into her Ladyship’s service. +</p> + +<p> +To slip over minutes of no importance to the main of my story, I pass the +interval to bed time, in which I was more and more pleased with the views that +opened to me, of an easy service under these good people; and after supper +being shewed up to bed, Miss Phœbe, who observed a kind of reluctance in me to +strip and go to bed, in my shift, before her, now the maid was withdrawn, came +up to me, and beginning with unpinning my handkerchief and gown, soon +encouraged me to go on with undressing myself; and, blushing at now seeing +myself naked to my shift, I hurried to get under the bed-clothes out of sight. +</p> + +<p> +Phœbe laughed and was not long before she placed herself by my side. She was +about five and twenty, by her most suspicious account, in which, according to +all appearances, she must have sunk at least ten good years; allowance, too, +being made for the havoc which a long course of hackneyship and hot waters must +have made of her constitution, and which had already brought on, upon the spur, +that stale stage in which those of her profession are reduced to think of +showing company, instead of seeing it. +</p> + +<p> +No sooner then was this precious substitute of my mistress laid down, but she, +who was never out of her way when any occasion of lewdness presented itself, +turned to me, embraced and kissed me with great eagerness. This was new, this +was odd; but imputing it to nothing but pure kindness, which, for ought I knew, +it might be the London way to express in that manner, I was determined not to +be behind-hand with her, and returned her the kiss and embrace, with all the +fervour that perfect innocence knew. +</p> + +<p> +Encouraged by this, her hands became extremely free, and wandered over my whole +body, with touches, squeezes, pressures, that rather warmed and surprised me +with their novelty, than they either shocked or alarmed me. +</p> + +<p> +The flattering praises she intermingled with these invasions, contributed also +not a little to bribe my passiveness; and, knowing no ill, I feared none, +especially from one who had prevented all doubts of her womanhood, by +conducting my hands to a pair of breasts that hung loosely down, in a size and +volume that full sufficiently distinguished her sex, to me at least, who had +never made any other comparison. +</p> + +<p> +I lay then all tame and passive as she could wish, whilst her freedom raised no +other emotion but those of a strange, and, till then, unfelt pleasure. Every +part of me was open and exposed to the licentious courses of her hands, which, +like a lambent fire, ran over my whole body, and thawed all coldness as they +went. +</p> + +<p> +My breasts, if it is not too bold a figure to call so two hard, firm, rising +hillocks, that just began to shew themselves, or signify anything to the touch, +employed and amused her hands awhile, till, slipping down lower, over a smooth +track, she could just feel the soft silky down that had but a few months before +put forth and garnished the mount-pleasant of those parts, and promised to +spread a grateful shelter over the sweet seat of the most exquisite sensation, +and which had been, till that instant, the seat of the most insensible +innocence. Her fingers played and strove to twine in the young tendrils of that +moss, which nature has contrived at once for use and ornament. +</p> + +<p> +But, not contented with these outer posts, she now attempts the main spot, and +began to twitch, to insinuate, and at length to force an introduction of a +finger into the quick itself, in such a manner, that had she not proceeded by +insensible gradations that inflamed me beyond the power of modesty to oppose +its resistance to their progress, I should have jumped out of bed and cried for +help against such strange assaults. +</p> + +<p> +Instead of which, her lascivious touches had lighted up a new fire that +wantoned through all my veins, but fixed with violence in that center appointed +them by nature, where the first strange hands were now busied in feeling, +squeezing, compressing the lips, then opening them again, with a finger +between, till an “Oh!” expressed her hurting me, where the +narrowness of the unbroken passage refused it entrance to any depth. +</p> + +<p> +In the meantime, the extension of my limbs, languid stretching, sighs, short +heavings, all conspired to assure that experienced wanton that I was more +pleased than offended at her proceedings, which she seasoned with repeated +kisses and exclamations, such as “Oh! what a charming creature thou art! +What a happy man will he be that first makes a woman of you! Oh! that I were a +man for your sake!” with the like broken expressions, interrupted by +kisses as fierce and salacious as ever I received from the other sex. +</p> + +<p> +For my part, I was transported, confused, and out of myself; feelings so new +were too much for me. My heated and alarmed senses were in a tumult that robbed +me of all liberty of thought; tears of pleasure gushed from my eyes, and +somewhat assuaged the fire that raged all over me. +</p> + +<p> +Phœbe, herself, the hackneyed, thorough-bred Phœbe, to whom all modes and +devices of pleasure were known and familiar, found, it seems, in this exercise +her those arbitrary tastes, for which there is no accounting. Not that she +hated men, or did not even prefer them to her own sex; but when she met with +such occasions as this was, a satiety of enjoyments in the common road, +perhaps, too a great secret bias, inclined her to make the most of pleasure, +wherever she could find it, without distinction of sexes. In this view, now +well assured that she had, by her touches, sufficiently inflamed me for her +purpose, she rolled down the bed clothes gently, and I saw myself stretched +naked, my shift being turned up to my neck, whilst I had no power or sense to +oppose it. Even my growing blushes expressed more desire than modesty, whilst +the candle, left (to be sure not undesignedly) burning, threw a full light on +my whole body. +</p> + +<p> +“No!” says Phœbe, “you must not, my sweet girl, think to +hide all these treasures from me. My sight must be feasted as my touch. I must +devour with my eyes this springing bosom. Suffer me to kiss it. I have not seen +it enough. Let me kiss it once more. What firm, smooth, white flesh is here! +How delicately shaped! Then this delicious down! Oh! let me view the small, +dear, tender cleft! This is too much, I cannot bear it! I must! I must!” +Here she took my hand, and in a transport carried it where you will easily +guess. But what a difference in the state of the same thing! A spreading +thicket of bushy curls marked the full grown, complete woman. Then the cavity +to which she guided my hand easily received it; and as soon as she felt it +within her, she moved herself to and fro, with so rapid a friction, that I +presently withdrew it, wet and clammy, when instantly Phœbe grew more +composed, after two or three sighs, and heart-fetched Oh’s! and giving me +a kiss that seemed to exhale her soul through her lips, she replaced the +bed-clothes over us. What pleasure she had found I will not say; but this I +know, that the first sparks of kindling nature, the first ideas of pollution, +were caught by me that night; and that the acquaintance and communication with +the bad of our sex, is often as fatal to innocence as all the seductions of the +other. But to go on. When Phœbe was restored to that calm, which I was far +from the enjoyment of myself, she artfully sounded me on all the points +necessary to govern the designs of my virtuous mistress on me, and by my +answers, drawn from pure undissembled nature, she had no reason but to promise +herself all imaginable success, so far as it depended on my ignorance, easiness +and warmth of constitution. +</p> + +<p> +After a sufficient length of dialogue, my bedfellow left me to my rest, and I +fell asleep, through pure weariness, from the violent emotions I had been led +into, when nature which had been too warmly stirred and fermented to subside +without allaying by some means or other relieved me by one of those luscious +dreams, the transports of which are scarce inferior to those of waking real +action. +</p> + +<p> +In the morning I awoke about ten, perfectly gay and refreshed. Phœbe was up +before me, and asked me in the kindest manner how I did, how I had rested, and +if I was ready for breakfast? carefully, at the same time, avoiding to increase +the confusion she saw I was in, at looking her in the face, by any hint of the +night’s bed scene. I told her if she pleased I would get up, and begin +any work she would be pleased to set me about. She smiled; presently the maid +brought in the tea equipage, and I just huddled my clothes on, when in waddled +my mistress. I expected no less than to be told of, if not chid for, my late +rising, when I was most agreeably disappointed by her compliments on my pure +and fresh looks. I was “a bud of beauty” (this was her style), +“and how vastly all the fine men would admire me!” to all which my +answers did not, I can assure you, wrong my breeding; they were as simple and +silly as they could wish, and, no doubt, flattered them infinitely more than +had they proved me enlightened by education and a knowledge of the world. +</p> + +<p> +We breakfasted, and the tea things were scarce removed, when in were brought +two bundles of linen and wearing apparel: in short, all the necessaries for +rigging me out, as they termed it, completely. +</p> + +<p> +Imagine to yourself, Madam, how my little coquet heart fluttered with joy at +the sight of a white lutestring, flowered with silver, scoured indeed, but +passed on me for spick and span new, a Brussels lace cap, braited shoes, and +the rest in proportion, all second-hand finery, and procured instantly for the +occasion, by the diligence and industry of the good Mrs. Brown, who had already +a chapman for me in the house, before whom my charms were to pass in review; +for he had not only, in course, insisted on a previous sight of the premises, +but also on immediate surrendering to him, in case of his agreeing for me; +concluding very wisely, that such a place as I was in, was of the hottest to +trust the keeping of such a perishable commodity in, as a maidenhead. +</p> + +<p> +The care of dressing and tricking me out for the market, was then left to +Phœbe, who acquitted herself, if not well, at least perfectly to the +satisfaction of everything but my impatience of seeing myself dressed. When it +was over, and I viewed myself in the glass, I was no doubt, too natural, too +artless, to hide my childish joy at the change: a change, in the real truth, +for much the worse, since I must have much better become the neat easy +simplicity of my rustic dress than the awkward, untoward, tawdry finery that I +could not conceal my strangeness to. +</p> + +<p> +Phœbe’s compliments, however, in which her own share in dressing me was +not forgot, did not a little confirm me in the first notions I had ever +entertained concerning my person; which, be it said without vanity, was then +tolerable to justify a taste for me, and of which it may not be out of place +here to sketch you an unflattered picture. +</p> + +<p> +I was tall, yet not too tall for my age, which, as I before remarked, was +barely turned of fifteen; my shape perfectly straight, thin waisted, and light +and free without owing anything to stays; my hair was a glossy auburn, and as +soft as silk, flowing down my neck in natural curls, and did not a little to +set off the whiteness of a smooth skin; my face was rather too ruddy, though +its features were delicate, and the shape was a roundish oval, except where a +pit on my chin had far from a disagreeable effect; my eyes were as black as can +be imagined, and rather languishing than sparkling, except on certain +occasions, when I have been told they struck fire fast enough; my teeth, which +I ever carefully preserved, were small, even and white; my bosom was finely +raised, and one might then discern rather the promise than the actual growth of +the round, firm breast, that in a little time made that promise good. In short, +all the points of beauty that are most universally in request, I had, or at +least my vanity forbid me to appeal from the decision of our sovereign judges +the men, who all, that I ever knew at last, gave it thus highly in my favour; +and I met with, even in my own sex, some that were above denying me that +justice, whilst others praised me yet more unsuspectedly, by endeavouring to +detract from me, in points of person and figure that I obviously excelled in. +This is, I own, too strong of self praise; but I should be ungrateful to +nature, and to a form to which I owe such singular blessings of pleasure and +fortune, were I to suppress, through an affectation of modesty, the mention of +such valuable gifts. +</p> + +<p> +Well then, dressed I was, and little did it then enter into my head that all +this gay attire was no more than decking the victim out for sacrifice, whilst I +innocently attributed all to mere friendship and kindness in the sweet good +Mrs. Brown; who, I was forgetting to mention, had, under pretence of keeping my +money safe, got from me, without the least hesitation, the driblet (so I now +call it) which remained to me after the expenses of my journey. +</p> + +<p> +After some little time most agreebly spent before the glass, in scarce +self-admiration, since my new dress had by much the greatest share in it, I was +sent for down to the parlour, where the old lady saluted me, and wished me joy +of my new clothes, which she was not ashamed to say, fitted me as if I had worn +nothing but the finest all my life-time; but what was it she could not see me +silly enough to swallow? At the same time, she presented me to another cousin +of her own creation, an elderly gentleman, who got up, at my entry into the +room, and on my dropping a curtsy to him, saluted me, and seemed a little +affronted that I had only presented my cheek to him: a mistake, which, if one, +he immediately corrected, by gluing his lips to mine, with an ardour which his +figure had not at all disposed me to thank him for: his figure, I say, than +which nothing could be more shocking or detestable: for ugly and disagreeable +were terms too gentle to convey a just idea of it. +</p> + +<p> +Imagine to yourself, a man rather past threescore, short and ill-made, with a +yellow cadaverous hue, great goggle eyes, that stared as if he was strangled; +an out-mouth from two more properly tusks than teeth, livid lips, and breath +like a Jake’s: then he had a peculiar ghastliness in his grin, that made +him perfectly frightful, if not dangerous to women with child; yet, made as he +was thus in mock of man, he was so blind to his own staring deformities, as to +think himself born to please, and that no woman could see him with impunity: in +consequence of which idea, he had lavished great sums on such wretches as could +gain upon themselves to pretend love to his person, whilst to those who had not +art or patience to dissemble the horror it inspired, he behaved even brutally. +Impotence, more than necessity, made him seek in variety, the provocative that +was wanting to raise him to the pitch of enjoyment, which he too often saw +himself baulked of, by the failure of his powers: and this always threw him +into a fit of rage, which he wreaked, as far as he durst, on the innocent +objects of his fit of momentary desire. +</p> + +<p> +This then was the master to which my conscientious benefactress, who had long +been his purveyor in this way, had doomed me, and sent for me down purposely +for his examination. Accordingly she made me stand up before him, turned me +round, unpinned my handkerchief, remarked to him the rise and fall, the turn +and whiteness of a bosom just beginning to fill; then made me walk, and took +even a handle from the rusticity of my charms: in short, she omitted no point +of jockeyship; to which he only answered by gracious nods of approbation, +whilst he looked goats and monkeys at me: for I sometimes stole a corner glance +at him, and encountering his fiery, eager stare, looked another way from pure +horror and affright, which he, characteristically, attributed to nothing more +than maiden modesty, or at least the affectation of it. +</p> + +<p> +However, I was soon dismissed, and reconducted to my room by Phœbe, who stuck +close to me, not leaving me alone, and at leisure to make such reflections as +might naturally rise to any one, not an idiot, on such a scene as I had just +gone through; but to my shame be it confessed, that just was my invincible +stupidity, or rather portentous innocence, that I did not yet open my eyes to +Mrs. Brown’s designs, and saw nothing in this titular cousin of hers but +a shockingly hideous person, which did not at all concern me, unless that my +gratitude for my benefactress made me extend my respect to all her cousinhood. +</p> + +<p> +Phœbe, however, began to sift the state and pulses of my heart toward this +monster, asking me how I should approve of such a fine gentelman for a husband. +(Fine gentleman, I suppose she called him, from his being daubed with lace.) I +answered her very naturally, that I had no thoughts of a husband, but that if I +was to choose one, it should be among my own degree, sure! so much had my +aversion to that wretch’s hideous figure indisposed me to all “fine +gentlemen,” and confounded my ideas, as if those of that rank had been +necessarily cast in the same mould that he was. But Phœbe was not to be put +off so, but went on with her endeavours to melt and soften me for the purposes +of my reception into that hospitable house: and whilst she talked of the sex in +general, she had no reason to despair of a compliance, which more than one +reason showed her would be easily enough obtained of me; but then she had too +much experience not to discover that my particular fixed aversion to that +frightful cousin would be a block not so readily to be removed, as suited the +consummation of their bargain, and sale of me. +</p> + +<p> +Mother Brown had in the meantime agreed the terms with this loquorice old goat, +which I afterwards understood were to be fifty guineas peremptory, for the +liberty of attempting me, and a hundred more at the complete gratification of +his desires, in the triumph over my virginity: and as for me, I was to be left +entirely at the discretion of his liking and generosity. This unrighteous +contract being thus settled, he was so eager to be put in possession, that he +insisted on being introduced to drink tea with me that afternoon, when we were +to be left alone; nor would he hearken to the procuress’s remonstrances, +that I was not sufficiently prepared, and ripened for such an attack; that I +was too green and untamed, having been scarce twenty-four hours in the house: +it is the character of lust to be impatient, and his vanity arming him against +any supposition of other than the common resistance of a maid on those +occasions, made him reject all proposals of a delay, and my dreadful trial was +thus fixed, unknown to me, for that very evening. +</p> + +<p> +At dinner, Mrs. Brown and Phœbe did nothing but run riot in praise of this +wonderful cousin, and how happy that woman would be that he would favour with +his addresses; in short my two gossips exhausted all their rhetoric to persuade +me to accept them: “that the gentleman was violently smitten with me at +first sight; that he would make my fortune if I would be a good girl and not +stand in my own light; that I should trust his honour; that I should be made +for ever, and have a chariot to go abroad in,” with all such stuff as was +fit to turn the head of such a silly ignorant girl as I then was: but luckily +here my aversion had taken already such deep root in me, my heart was so +strongly defended from him by my senses, that wanting the art to mask my +sentiments, I gave them no hopes of their employer succeeding, at least very +easily, with me. The glass too marched pretty quick, with a view, I suppose, to +make a friend of the warmth of my constitution, in the minutes of the imminent +attack. +</p> + +<p> +Thus they kept me pretty long at table, and about six in the evening, after I +had retired to my apartment, and the tea board was set, enters my venerable +mistress, followed close by that satyr, who came in grinning in a way peculiar +to him, and by his odious presence, confirmed me in all the sentiments of +detestation which his first appearance had given birth to. +</p> + +<p> +He sat down fronting me, and all tea time kept ogling me in a manner that gave +me the utmost pain and confusion, all the mark of which he still explained to +be my bashfulness, and not being used to see company. +</p> + +<p> +Tea over, the commoding old lady pleady urgent business (which indeed was true) +to go out, and earnestly desired me to entertain her cousin kindly till she +came back, both for my own sake and her; and then, with a “Pray, sir, be +very good, be very tender to the sweet child,” she went out of the room, +leaving me staring, with my mouth open, and unprepared by the suddenness of her +departure, to oppose it. +</p> + +<p> +We were now alone; and on that idea a sudden fit of trembling seized me. I was +so afraid, without a precise notion of why, and what I had to fear, that I sat +on the settee, by the fire side, motionless and petrified, without life or +spirit, not knowing how to look or how to stir. +</p> + +<p> +But long I was not suffered to remain in this state of stupefaction: the +monster squatted down by me on the settee, and without farther ceremony or +preamble, flings his arms about my neck, and drawing me pretty forcibly towards +him, obliged me to receive, in spite of my struggles to disengage from him, his +pestilential kisses, which quite overcame me. Finding me then next to +senseless, and unresisting, he tears off my neck handkerchief, and laid all +open there, to his eyes and hands: still I endured all without flinching, till +emboldened by my sufferance and silence, for I had not the power to speak or +cry out, he attempted to lay me down on the settee, and I felt his hand on the +lower part of my naked thighs, which were crossed, and which he endeavoured to +unlock. Oh then! I was roused out of my passive endurance, and springing from +him with an activity he was not prepared for, threw myself at his feet, and +begged him, in the most moving tone, not to be rude, and that he would not hurt +me. “Hurt you, my dear?” says the brute, “I intend you no +harm. Has not the old lady told you that I love you? that I shall do handsomely +by you?” +</p> + +<p> +“She has indeed, sir,” said I, “but I cannot love you, indeed +I cannot! pray let me alone! yes! I will love you dearly if you will let me +alone and go away.” But I was talking to the wind, for whether my tears, +my attitude, or the disorder of my dress proved fresh incentives, or whether he +was now under the dominion of desires he could not bridle, but snorting and +foaming with lust and rage, he renews his attack, seizes me, and again attempts +to extend and fix me on the settee: in which he succeeded so far as to lay me +along, and even to toss my petticoats over my head, and lay my thighs bare, +which I obstinately kept close, nor could he, though he attempted with his knee +to force them open, effect it so as to stand fair for being master of the main +avenue; he was unbuttoned, both waistcoat and breeches, yet I only felt the +weight of his body upon me, whilst I lay struggling with indignation, and dying +with terrors; but he stopped all of a sudden, and got off, panting, blowing, +cursing, and repeating “old and ugly!” for so I had very naturally +called him in the heat of my defence. +</p> + +<p> +The brute had, it seems, as I afterwards understood, brought on, by his +eagerness and struggle, the ultimate period of his hot fit of lust, which his +power was too short-lived to carry him through the full execution of; of which +my thighs and linen received the effusion. +</p> + +<p> +When it was over he bid me, with a tone of displeasure, get up: “that he +would not do me the honour to think of me any more; that the old +b——h might look out for another cully; that he would not be fooled +so by ever a country mock modesty in England; that he supposed I had left my +maidenhead with some hobnail in the country, and was come to dispose of my +skim-milk in town” with a volley of the like abuse; which I listened to +with more pleasure than ever fond woman did to protestations of love from her +darling minion: for, incapable as I was of receiving any addition to my perfect +hatred and aversion to him, I looked on this railing, as my security against +his renewing his most odious caress. +</p> + +<p> +Yet, plain as Mrs. Brown’s views were now come out, I had not the heart, +or spirit to open my eyes to them: still I could not part with my dependence on +that beldam, so much did I think myself hers, soul and body: or rather, I +sought to deceive myself with the continuation of my good opinion of her, and +choose to wait the worst at her hands, sooner than be turned out to starve in +the streets, without a penny of money or a friend to apply to these fears were +my folly. +</p> + +<p> +While this confusion of ideas was passing in my head, and I sat pensively by +the fire, with my eyes brimming with tears, my neck still bare, and my cap +fallen off in the struggle, so that my hair was in the disorder you may guess, +the villain’s lust began, I suppose, to be again in flow, at the sight of +all that bloom of youth which presented itself to his view, a bloom yet +unenjoyed, and of course not yet indifferent to him. +</p> + +<p> +After some pause, he asked me with a tone of voice mightily softer, whether I +would make it up with him before the old lady returned, and all should be well; +he would restore me to his affections, at the same time offering to kiss me and +feel my breasts. But now my extreme aversion, my fears, my indignation, all +acting upon me, gave me a spirit not natural to me, so that breaking loose from +him, I ran to the bell and rang it, with such violence and effect as to bring +up the maid to know what was the matter, or whether the gentleman wanted +anything; and before he could proceed to greater extremities, she bounced into +the room, and seeing me stretched on the floor, my hair all dishevelled, my +nose gushing out blood, which did not a little tragedize the scene, and my +odious persecutor still intent of pushing his brutal point, unmoved by all my +cries and distress, she was herself confounded and did not know what to do. +</p> + +<p> +As much, however, as Martha might be prepared and hardened to transactions of +this sort, all womanhood must have been out of her heart could she have seen +this unmoved. Besides that, on the face of things, she imagined that matters +had gone greater lengths than they really had, and that the courtesy of the +house had been actually consummated on me, and flung: me into the condition I +was in: in this notion she instantly took my part, and advised the gentleman to +go down and leave me to recover myself, and “that all would be soon over +with me; that when Mrs. Brown and Phœbe, who were gone out, were returned, +they would take order for everything to his satisfaction; that nothing would be +lost by a little patience with the poor tender thing; that for her part she was +frightened; she could not tell what to say to such doings; but that she would +stay by me till my mistress came home.” As the wench said all this in a +resolute tone, and the monster himself began to perceive that things would not +mend by his staying, he took his hat and went out of the room murmuring and +pitting his brows like an old ape, so that I was delivered from the horrors of +his detestable presence. +</p> + +<p> +As soon as he was gone, Martha very tenderly offered me her assistance in +anything, and would have got me some hartshorn drops and put me to bed; which +last I, at first, positively refused, in the fear that the monster might return +and take me at that disadvantage. However, with much persuasion and assurances +that I should not be molested that night she prevailed on me to lie down; and +indeed I was so weakened by my struggles, so dejected by my fearful +apprehension, so terror-struck, that I had not power to sit up, or hardly to +give answers to the questions with which the curious Martha plied and perplexed +me. +</p> + +<p> +Such too, and so cruel was my fate, that I dreaded the sight of Mrs. Brown, as +if I had been the criminal, and she the person injured; a mistake which you +will not think so strange, on distinguishing that neither virtue nor principles +had the least share in the defence I had made, but only the particular aversion +I had conceived against this first brutal and frightful invader of my tender +innocence. +</p> + +<p> +I passed then the time till Mrs. Brown came home, under all the agitations of +fear and despair that may easily be guessed. +</p> + +<p> +About eleven at night my two ladies came home, and having received rather a +favourable account from Martha, who had run down to let them in, for Mr. Crofts +(that was the name of my brute) was gone out of the house, after waiting till +he had tired his patience for Mrs. Brown’s return, they came thundering +up stairs, and seeing me pale, my face bloody, and all the marks of the most +thorough dejection, they employed themselves more to comfort and re-inspirit me +than in making me the reproaches I was weak enough to fear, I who had so many +juster and stronger to retort upon them. +</p> + +<p> +Mrs. Brown withdrawn, Phœbe came presently to bed to me, and what with the +answers she drew from me, what with her own method of palpably satisfying +herself, she soon discovered that I had been more frightened than hurt; upon +which I suppose, being herself seized with sleep, and reserving her lectures +and instructions till the next morning, she left me, properly speaking, to my +unrest; for, later tossing and turning the greatest part of the night, and +tormenting myself with the falsest notions and apprehensions of things, I fell, +through mere fatigue into a kind of delirious doze, out of which I waked late +in the morning, in a violent fever: a circumstance which was extremely critical +to reprieve me, at least for a time, from the attacks of a wretch, infinitely +more terrible to me than death itself. +</p> + +<p> +The interested care that was taken of me during my illness, in order to restore +me to a condition of making good the bawd’s engagements, or of enduring +further trials, had, however, such an effect on my grateful disposition that I +even thought myself obliged to my un-doers for their attention to promote my +recovery; and, above all, for the keeping out of my sight of that brutal +ravisher, the author of my disorder, on their finding I was too strongly moved +at the bare mention of his name. +</p> + +<p> +Youth is soon raised, and a few days were sufficient to conquer the fury of my +fever: but, what contributed most to my perfect recovery and to my +reconciliation with life, was the timely news that Mr. Crofts, who was a +merchant of considerable dealings, was arrested at the King’s suit, for +nearly forty thousand pounds, on account of his driving a certain contraband +trade, and that his affairs were so desperate, that even were it in his +inclination, it would not be in his power to renew his designs upon me: for he +was instantly thrown into a prison, which it was not likely he would get out of +in haste. +</p> + +<p> +Mrs. Brown, who had touched his fifty guineas, advanced to so little purpose, +and lost all hopes of the remaining hundred, began to look upon my treatment of +him with a more favourable eye; and as they had observed my temper to be +perfectly tractable and conformable to their views, all the girls that composed +her flock were suffered to visit me, and had their cue to dispose me, by their +conversation, to a perfect resignation of myself to Mrs. Brown’s +direction. +</p> + +<p> +Accordingly they were let in upon me, and all that frolic and thoughtless +gaiety in which those giddy creatures consume either leisure, made me envy a +condition of which I only saw the fair side; insomuch, that the being one of +them became even my ambition: a disposition which they all carefully +cultivated; and I wanted now nothing but to restore my health, that I might be +able to undergo the ceremony of the initiation. +</p> + +<p> +Conversation, example, in short all, contributed, in that house, to corrupt my +native parity, which had taken no root in education; whilst now the inflammable +principal of pleasure, so easily fired at my age, made strange work within me, +and all the modesty I was brought up in the habit, not the instruction of, +began to melt away like dew before the sun’s heat; not to mention that I +made a vice of necessity, from the constant fears I had of being turned out to +starve. +</p> + +<p> +I was soon pretty well recovered, and at certain hours allowed to range all +over the house, but cautiously kept from seeing any company till the arrival of +Lord B——, from Bath, to whom Mrs. Brown, in respect to his +experienced generosity on such occasions, proposed to offer the perusal of that +trinket of mine, which bears so great an imaginary value; and his lordship +being expected in town in less than a fortnight, Mrs. Brown judged I would be +entirely renewed in beauty and freshness by that time, and afforded her the +chance of a better bargain than she had driven with Mr. Crofts. +</p> + +<p> +In the meantime, I was so thoroughly, as they call it, brought over, so tame to +their whistle, that, had my cage door been set open, I had no idea that I ought +to fly anywhere, sooner than stay where I was; nor had I the least sense of +regretting my condition, but waited very quietly for whatever Mrs. Brown should +order concerning me; who on her side, by herself and her agents, took more than +the necessary precautions to lull and lay asleep all just reflections on my +destiny. +</p> + +<p> +Preachments of morality over the left shoulder; a life of joy painted in the +gayest colours; caresses, promises, indulgent treatment; nothing, in short, was +wanting to domesticate me entirely and to prevent my going out anywhere to get +better advice. Alas! I dreamed of no such thing. +</p> + +<p> +Hitherto I had been indebted only to the girls of the house for the corruption +of my innocence: their luscious talk, in which modesty was far from respected, +their description of their engagements with men, had given me a tolerable +insight into the nature and mysteries of their profession, at the same time +that they highly provoked an itch of florid warm-spirited blood through every +vein: but above all, my bed fellow Phœbe, whose pupil I more immediately was, +exerted her talents in giving me the first tinctures of pleasure: whilst +nature, now warmed and wantoned with discoveries so interesting, piqued a +curiosity which Phœbe artfully whetted, and leading me from question to +question of her own suggestion, explained to me all the mysteries of Venus. But +I could not long remain in such a house as that, without being an eye-witness +of more than I could conceive from her descriptions. +</p> + +<p> +One day, about twelve at noon, being thoroughly recovered of my fever, I +happened to be in Mrs. Brown’s dark closet, where I had not been half an +hour, resting upon the maid’s bed, before I heard a rustling in the +bed-chamber, separated from the closet only by two sash doors, before the +glasses of which were drawn two yellow damask curtains, but not so close as to +exclude the full view of the room from any person in the closet. +</p> + +<p> +I instantly crept softly and posted myself so, that seeing everything minutely, +I could not myself be seen; and who should come in but the venerable mother +Abbess herself! handed in by a tall, brawny young Horse-grenadiers, moulded in +the Hercules style: in fine, the choice of the most experienced dame, in those +affairs, in all London. +</p> + +<p> +Oh! how still and hush did I keep at my stand, lest any noise should baulk my +curiosity, or bring Madam into the closet! +</p> + +<p> +But I had not much reason to fear either, for she was entirely taken up with +her present great concern, that she had no sense of attention to spare to +anything else. +</p> + +<p> +Droll was it to see that clumsy fat figure of her’s flop down on the foot +of the bed, opposite to the closet door so that I had a full front view of all +her charms. +</p> + +<p> +Her paramour sat down by her: he seemed to be a man of very few words, and a +great stomach; for proceeding instantly to essentials, he gave her some hearty +smacks, and thrusting his hands into her breasts, disengaged them from her +stays, in scorn of whose confinement they broke loose, and sagged down, +navel-low at least. A more enormous pair did my eyes never behold, nor of a +worse colour, flagging, soft, and most lovingly contiguous: yet such as they +were, this great beef-eater seemed to paw them with a most unenviable lust, +seeking in vain to confine or cover one of them with a hand scarce less than a +shoulder of mutton. After toying with them thus some time, as if they had been +worth it, he laid her down pretty briskly, and canting up her petticoats, made +barely a mask of them to her broad red face, that blushed with nothing but +brandy. +</p> + +<p> +As he stood on one side, unbuttoning his waistcoat and breeches, her fat brawny +thighs hung down, and the whole greasy landscape lay fairly open to my view; a +wide open mouthed gap, overshaded with a grizzly bush, seemed held out like a +beggar’s wallet for its provision. +</p> + +<p> +But I soon had my eyes called off by a more striking object that entirely +engrossed them. +</p> + +<p> +Her sturdy stallion had now unbuttoned, and produced naked, stiff and erect, +that wonderful machine, which I had never seen before, and which, for the +interest my own seat of pleasure began to take furiously in it, I stared at +with all the eyes I had: however, my senses were too much flurried, too much +concentered in that now burning spot of mine, to observe anything more than in +general the make and turn of that instrument; from which the instinct of +nature, yet more than all I had heard of it, now strongly informed me, I was to +expect that supreme pleasure which she had placed in the meeting of those parts +so admirably fitted for each other. +</p> + +<p> +Long, however, the young spark did not remain before giving it two or three +shakes, by way of brandishing it, he threw himself upon her, and his back being +now towards me, I could only take his being ingulphed for granted, by the +directions he moved in, and the impossibility of missing so staring a mark; and +now the bed shook, the curtains rattled so that I could scarce hear the sighs +and murmurs, the heaves and pantings that accompanied the action, from the +beginning to the end; the sound and sight of which thrilled to the very soul of +me, and made every vein of my body circulate liquid fires: the emotion grew so +violent that it almost intercepted my respiration. +</p> + +<p> +Prepared then, and disposed as I was by the discourse of my companions, and +Phœbe’s minute detail of everything, no wonder that such a sight gave +the last dying blow to my native innocence. +</p> + +<p> +Whilst they were in the heat of the action, guided by nature only, I stole my +hand up my petticoats, and with fingers on fire, seized and yet more inflamed +that center of all my senses: my heart palpitated, as if it would force its way +through my bosom: I breathed with pain; I twisted my thighs, squeezed and +compressed the lips of that virgin slit, and following mechanically the example +of Phœbe’s manual operation on it, as far as I could find admission, +brought on at last the critical ecstasy, the melting flow, into which nature, +spent with excess of pleasure, dissolves and dies away. +</p> + +<p> +After which, my senses recovered coolness enough to observe the rest of the +transaction between this happy pair. +</p> + +<p> +The young fellow had just dismounted, when the old lady immediately sprung up, +with all the vigour of youth, derived, no doubt, from her late refreshment; and +making him sit down, began in her turn to kiss him, to pat and pinch his +cheeks, and play with his hair: all which he received with an air of +indifference and coolness that showed him to be much altered from what he was +when he first went on to the breach. +</p> + +<p> +My pious governess, however, not being above calling in auxiliaries, unlocks a +little case of cordials that stood near the bed, and made him pledge her in a +very plentiful dram: after which, and a little amorous parley, Madam set +herself down upon the same place, at the bed’s foot; and the young fellow +standing sidewise by her, she, with the greatest effrontery imaginable, +unbuttons his breeches, and removing his shirt, draws out his affair, so shrunk +and diminished, that I could not but remember the difference, now crest-fallen, +or just faintly lifting its head: but our experience matron very soon, by +chaffing it with her hands, brought it to swell to that size and erection I had +before seen it up to. +</p> + +<p> +I admired then, upon a fresh account, and with a nicer survey, the texture of +that capital part of man: the flaming red head as it stood uncapt, the +whiteness of the shaft, and the shrub growth of curling hair that embrowned the +foots of it, the roundish bag that dangled down from it, all exacted my eager +attention, and renewed my flame. But, as the main affair was now at the point +the industrious dame had laboured to bring it to, she was not in the humour to +put off the payment of her pains, but laying herself down, drew him gently upon +her, and thus they finished, in the same manner as before, the old last act. +</p> + +<p> +This over, they both went out lovingly together, the old lady having first made +him a present, as near as I could observe, of three or four pieces; he being +not only her particular favourite on account of his performances, but a +retainer to the house; from whose sight she had taken great care hitherto to +secret me, lest he might not have had patience to wait for my lord’s +arrival, but have insisted on being his taster, which the old lady was under +too much subjection to him to dare dispute with him; for every girl of the +house fell to him in course, and the old lady only now and then got her turn, +in consideration of the maintenance he had, and which he could scarce be +accused of not earning from her. +</p> + +<p> +As soon as I heard them go down-stairs, I stole up softly to my own room, out +of which I had luckily not been missed; there I began to breathe more free, and +to give a loose to those warm emotions which the sight of such an encounter had +raised in me, I laid me down on the bed, stretched myself out, joining and +ardently wishing, and requiring any means to divert or allay the rekindled rage +and tumult of my desires, which all pointed strongly to their pole: man. I felt +about the bed as if I sought for something that I grasped in my waking dream, +and not finding it, could have cried for vexation; every part of me plowing +with simulated fires. At length, I resorted to the only present remedy, that of +vain attempts at digitation, where the smallness of the theatre did not yet +afford room enough for action, and where the pain my fingers gave me, in +striving for admission, though they procured me a slight satisfaction for the +present, started an apprehension which I could not be easy till I had +communicated to Phœbe and received her explanations upon it. +</p> + +<p> +The opportunity, however, did not offer till next morning, for Phœbe did not +come to bed till long after I was gone to sleep. As soon then as we were both +awake, it was but in course to bring our ly-a-bed chat to hand, on the subject +of my uneasiness: to which a recital of the love scene I had thus, by chance, +been spectatress of, served for a preface. +</p> + +<p> +Phœbe could not hear it to the end without more than one interruption by peals +of laughter, and my ingenuous way of relating matters did not a little heighten +the joke to her. +</p> + +<p> +But, on her sounding me how the sight had affected me, without mincing or +hiding the pleasurable emotions it had inspired me with, I told her at the same +time that one remark had perplexed me, and that very considerably. +“Aye!” says she, “what was that?” “Why,” +replied I, “having very curiously and attentively compared the size of +that enormous machine, which did not appear, at least to my fearful +imagination, less than my wrist, and at least three of my hand-fuls long, to +that of the tender small part of me which was framed to receive it, I could not +conceive its being possible to afford it entrance without dying, perhaps in the +greatest pain, since she well knew that even a finger thrust in there hurt me +beyond bearing. As to my mistress’s and yours, I can very plainly +distinguish the different dimensions of them from mine, palpable to the touch, +and visible to the eye; so that, in short, great as the promised pleasure may +be, I am afraid of the pain of the experiment.” +</p> + +<p> +Phœbe at this redoubled her laugh, and whilst I expected a very serious +solution of my doubts and apprehensions in this matter, only told me that +“she never heard of a mortal wound being given in those parts, by that +terrible weapon, and that some she knew younger, and as delicately made as +myself, had outlived the operation; that she believed, at the worst, I should +take a great deal of liking; that true it was, there was a great diversity of +sizes in those parts, owing to nature, child-bearing, frequent over-stretching +with unmerciful machines, but that at a certain age and habit of body, even the +most experienced in those affairs could not well distinguish between the maid +and the woman, supposing too an absence of all artifice, in their natural +situation: but that since chance had thrown in my way one sight of that sort, +she would procure me another, that should feast my eyes more delicately, and go +a great way in the cure of my fears from that imaginary disproportion”. +</p> + +<p> +On this she asked me if I knew Polly Phillips? “Undoubterly,” says +I, “the fair girl which was so tender of me when I was sick, and has +been, as you told me, but two months in the house.” “The +same,” says Phœbe. “You must know then, she is kept by a young +Genoes merchant, whom his uncle, who is immensely rich, and whose darling he +is, on a pretex of settling some accounts, but in reality to humour his +inclinations for travelling, and seeing the world. He met casually with this +Polly once in company, and taking a likning to her, makes it worth her while to +keep entirely to him. He comes to her here twice or thrice a week, and she +receives him in the light closet up one pair of stairs, where he enjoys her in +a taste, I suppose, peculiar to the heat, or perhaps the caprices of his own +country, I say no more, but to-morrow being his day, you shall see what passes +between them, from a place only known to your mistress and myself.” +</p> + +<p> +You may be sure, in the ply I was now taking, I had no objection to the +proposal, and was rather a tip-toe for its accomplishments. +</p> + +<p> +At five in the evening next day, Phœbe, punctual to her promise, came to me as +I sat alone in my own room, and beckoned me to follow her. +</p> + +<p> +We went down the back stairs very softly, and opening the door of a dark +closet, where there was some old furniture kept, and some cases of liquor, she +drew me in after her, and fastened the door upon us, we had no light but what +came through a long crevice in the partition between ours and the light closet, +where the scene of action lay; so that sitting on those low cases, we could, +with the greatest ease, as well as clearness, see all objects (ourselves +unseen), only by applying our eyes close to the crevice, where the moulding of +a panel had warped, or started a little on the other side. +</p> + +<p> +The young gentleman was the first person I saw, with his back directly towards +me, looking at a print. Polly was not yet come: in less than a minute though, +the door opened, and she came in; and at the noise the door made he turned +about, and come to meet her, with an air of the greatest tenderness and +satisfaction. +</p> + +<p> +After saluting her, he led her to a coach that fronted us, where they both sat +down, and the young Genoes helped her to a glass of wine, with some Naples +biscuits on a salver. +</p> + +<p> +Presently, when they had exchanged a few kisses, and questions in broken +English on one side, he began to unbutton, and, in fine, stript unto his shirt. +</p> + +<p> +As if this had been the signal agreed on for pulling off all their clothes, a +scheme which the heat of the season perfectly favoured, Polly began to draw her +pins, and as she had no stays to unlace, she was in a trice, with her +gallant’s officious assistance, undressed to all but her shift. +</p> + +<p> +When he saw this, his breeches were immediately loosened, waist and knee bands, +and slipped over his ankles, clean off; his shirt collar was unbottoned too: +then, first giving Polly an encouraging kiss, he stole, as it were, the shift +off the girl, who being, I suppose, broke and familiarized to this humour, +blushed indeed, but less than I did at the apparition of her, now standing +stark naked, just as she came ont of the hands of pure nature, with her black +hair loose and a-float down her dazzling white neck and shoulders, whilst the +deepened carnation of her cheeks went off gradually into the hue of glazed +snow: for such were the blended tints polish of her skin. +</p> + +<p> +This girl could not be above eighteen: her face regular and sweet featured, her +shape exquisite; nor could I help envying her two ripe enchanting breasts, +finely plumped out in flesh, but withal so round, so firm, that they sustained +themselves, in scorn of any stay: then their nipples, pointing different ways, +marked their pleasing separation; beneath them lay the delicious tract of the +belly, which terminated in a parting of rift scarce discerning, that modesty +seemed to retire downward, and seek shelter between two plump fleshy thighs: +the curling hair that overspread its delightful front, clothed it with the +richest sable fur in the universe: in short, she was evidently a subject for +the painters to court her, sitting to them for a pattern female beauty, in all +the true pride and pomp of nakedness. +</p> + +<p> +The young Italian (still in his shirt) stood gazing and transported at the +sight of beauties that might have fired a dying hermit; his eager eyes devoured +her, as she shifted attitudes at his discretion: neither were his hands +excluded their share of the high feast, but wandered, on the hunt of pleasure, +over every part and inch of her body, so qualified to afford the most exquisite +sense of it. +</p> + +<p> +In the mean time time, one could not help observing the swell of his shirt +before, that bolstered out, and pointed out the condition of things behind the +curtain: but he soon removed it, by slipping his shirt over his head; and now, +as to nakedness, they had nothing to reproach one another. +</p> + +<p> +The young gentleman, by Phœbe’s guess, was about two and twenty; tall +and well limbed. His body was finely formed, and of a most vigorous make, +square shouldered, and broad chested: his face was not remarkable any way, but +for a nose inclining to the Roman, eyes large, black, and sparkling, and a +ruddiness in his cheeks that was the more a grace; for his complexion was of +the brownest, not of that dusky dun colour which excludes, the idea of +freshness, but of that clear, olive gloss, which glowing with life, dazzles +perhaps less than fairness, and yet pleases more, when it pleases at all. His +hair being too short to tie fell no lower than his neck, in short easy curls; +and he had a few sprigs about his paps, that garnished his chest in a style of +strength and manliness. Then his grand movement, which seemed to rise out of a +thicket of curling hair, that spread from the root all over his thighs and +belly up to the navel, stood stiff and upright, but of a size to frighten me, +by sympathy for the small tender part which was the object of its fury, and +which now lay exposed to my fairest view; for he had, immediately on stoppings +off his shirt, gently pushed her down on the couch, which stood conveniently to +break her willing fall. Her thighs were spread out to their utmost extention, +and discovered between them the mark of the sex, the red-centered cleft of +flesh, whose lips vermillioning inwards, expressed a small ruby line in sweet +miniature, such as Guide’s touch or colouring: could never attain to the +life or delicacy of. +</p> + +<p> +Phœbe, at this, gave me a gentle jog, to prepare me for a whisper question: +“Whether I thought my little maiden-head was much less?” But my +attention was too much engrossed, too much inwrapped with all I saw, to be able +to give her any answer. +</p> + +<p> +By this time the young gentelman had changed her posture from lying breadth to +length-wise on the coach: but her thighs were still spread, and the mark lay +fair for him, who now kneeling between them, displayed to us a side view of +that fierce erect machine of his, which threatened no less than splitting the +tender victim, who lay smiling at the uplifted stroke, nor seemed to decline +it. He looked upon his weapon himself with some pleasure, and guiding it with +his hand to the inviting; slit, drew aside the lips, and lodged it (after some +thrusts, which Polly seemed even to assist) about half way; but there it stuck, +I suppose from its growing thickness: he draws it again, and just wetting it +with spittle, re-enters, and with ease sheathed it now up to the hilt, at which +Polly gave a deep sigh, which was quite another tone than one of pain; he +thrusts, she heaves, at first gently, and in a regular cadence; but presently +the transport began to be too violent to observe any order or measure; their +motions were too rapid, their kisses too fierce’ and fervent for nature +to support such fury long: both seemed to me out of themselves: their eyes +darted fires: “Oh! oh! I can’t bear it. It is too much. I die. I am +going,” were Polly’s expressions of extasy: his joys were more +silent: but soon broken murmurs, sighs heart-fetched, and at length a +dispatching thrust, as if he would have forced himself up her body, and then +the motionless languor of all his limbs, all shewed that the die-away moment +was come upon him; which she gave signs of joining with by, the wild throwing +of her hands about, closing her eyes, and giving a deep sob, in which she +seemed to expire in an agony of bliss. +</p> + +<p> +When he had finished his stroke, and got from off her, she lay still without +the least motion, breathless, as it should seem, with pleasure. He replaced her +again breadth-wise on the couch, unable to sit up, with her thighs open, +between which I could observe a kind of white liquid, like froth, hanging about +the outward lips of that recently opened wound, which now glowed with a deeper +red. Presently she gets up, and throwing her arms round him, seemed far +undelighted with the trial he had put her to, to judge, at least by the +fondness with which she eyed, and hung upon him. +</p> + +<p> +For my part, I will not pretend to describe what I felt over me during this +scene; but from that instant, adieu all fears of what man can do unto me! they +were now changed into such ardent desires, such ungovernable longings, that I +could have by the sleeve, and offered him the bauble, which I now imagined the +loss of would be a gain I could not too soon procure myself. +</p> + +<p> +Phœbe, who had more experience, and to whom such sights were not so new, could +not however, be unmoved at so warm a scene; and drawing me away softly from the +peeping hole, for fear of being overheard, guided me as the door as possible, +all passive and obedient to her least signals. +</p> + +<p> +Here was no room either to sit or lie, but making me stand with my back towards +the door, she lifted up my petticoats, and with her busy fingers fell to visit +and explore that part of me, where I was perfectly sick and ready to die with +desire; that the bare touch of her finger, in that critical place, had the +effect of a fire to a train, and her hand instantly made her sensible to what a +pitch I was wound up, and melted by the sight she had thus procured me. +Satisfied then with her success, in allaying a heat that would have made me +impatient of seeing the continuation of the transactions between our amourous +couple, she brought me again to the crevice, so favourable to our curiosity. +</p> + +<p> +We had certainly been but a few instants away from it, and yet on our return we +saw everything in good forwardness for recommencing the tender hostilities. +</p> + +<p> +The young foreigner was sitting down, fronting us, on the coach, with Polly +upon one knee, who had her arms round his neck, whilst the extreme whiteness of +her skin was not undelightfully contrasted by the smooth glossy brown of her +lover’s. +</p> + +<p> +But who could count the fierce, unnumbered kisses given and taken? In which I +could often discover their mouths were double tongued, and seemed to favour the +mutual insertion with the greatest gust and delight. +</p> + +<p> +In the meantime, his red-headed champion, that had so lately fled the pit, +quelled and abashed, was now recovered to the top of his condition, perked and +crested up between Polly’s thighs, who was not wanting, on her part, to +coax and keep it in good humour, stroking it, with her head down, and receiving +even its velvet tip between the lips of not its proper mouth: whether it was to +render it more glib and easy of entrance, I could not tell; but it had such an +effect, that the young gentleman seemed by his eyes, that sparkled with more +excited lustre, and his inflamed countenance, to receive increase of pleasure. +He got up, and taking Polly in his arms, embraced her, and said something too +softly for me to hear, leading her withal to the foot of the couch, and taking +delight to slap her thighs and posteriors with that stiff sinew of his, which +hit them with a spring that he gave it with his hand, and made them resound +again, but her about as much as he meant to hurt her, for she seemed to have as +frolic a taste as himself. +</p> + +<p> +But guess my surprise, when I saw the lazy young rogue lie down on his back, +and gently pull down Polly upon him, who giving way to his humour, stradled, +and with her hands conducted her blind favourite to the right place; and +following her impulse, ran directly upon the flaming point of this weapon of +pleasure, which she staked herself upon, up pierced, and infixed to the +extremest hair breadth of it: thus she sat on him a few instants, enjoying and +relishing her situation, whilst he toyed with her provoking breasts. Sometimes +she would stoop to meet his kiss: but presently the sting of pleasure spurred +them up to fiercer action; then began the storm of heaves, which, from the +undermost combatant, were thrust at the same time, he crossing his hands over +her, and drawing her home to him with a sweet violence: the inverted strokes of +anvil over hammer soon brought on the critical period, in which all the signs +of a close conspiring extasy informed us of the point they were at. +</p> + +<p> +For me, I could bear to see no more; I was so overcome, so inflamed at the +second part of the same play, that, mad to an intolerable degree, I hugged, I +clasped Phœbe, as if she had wherewithal to relieve me. Pleased however with, +and pitying the taking she could feel me in, she drew towards the door, and +opening it softly as she could, we both got off undiscovered, and reconducted +me to my own room, where, unable to keep my legs, in the agitation I was in, I +instantly threw myself down on the bed, where I lay transported, though ashamed +at what I felt. +</p> + +<p> +Phœbe lay down by me, and asked me archly, “if, now that I had seen the +enemy, and fully considered him, I was still afraid of him? or did I think I +could come to a close engagement with him?” To all which, not a word on +my side; I sighed, and could scarcely breathe. She takes hold of my hand, and +having rolled up her own petticoats, forced it half strivingly, towards those +parts, where, now grown more knowing, I missed the main object of my wishes; +and finding not even the shadow of what I wanted, where every thing was so +flat, or so hollow, in the vexation I was in at it. I should have withdrawn my +hand, but for fear of disobliging her. Abandoning it then entirely to her +management, she made use of it as she thought proper, to procure herself rather +the shadow than the substance of any pleasure. For my part, I now pined for +more solid food, and promised tacitly to myself that I would not be put off +much longer with this foolery of woman to woman, of Mrs. Brown did not soon +provide me with the essential specific. In short, I had all the air of not +being able to wait the arrival of my lord B——, though he was now +expected in a very fews days: nor did I wait for him, for love itself took +charge of the disposal of me, in spite of interest, or gross lust. +</p> + +<p> +It was now two days after the closet scene, that I got up about six in the +morning, and leaving my bedfellow fast asleep, stole down, with no other +thought than of taking a little fresh air in a small garden, which our back +parlour opened into, and from which my confinement debarred me, at the times +company came to my house; but now sleep and silence reigned all over it. +</p> + +<p> +I opened the parlour door, and well surprised was I at seeing, by the side of a +fire half-out, a young gentleman in the old lady’s elbow chair, with his +legs laid upon another, fast asleep, and left there by his thoughtless +companions, who had drank him down, and then went off with every one but his +mistress, whilst he stayed behind by the courtesy of the old matron, who would +not disturb or turn him out in that condition at one in the morning; and beds, +it is more than probable there were none to spare. On the table still remained +the punch bowl and glasses, stewed about in their usual disorder after a +drunken revel. +</p> + +<p> +But when I drew nearer, to view the sleeping estray, heavens! what a sight! No! +term of years, no turn of fortune could ever eraze the lightninglike impression +his form made on me. Yes! dearest object of my earliest passion, I command for +ever the remembrance of thy first appearance to my ravished eyes, it calls thee +up, present; and I see thee now. +</p> + +<p> +Figure to yourself, Madam, fair stripling between eighteen and nineteen, with +his head reclined on one of the sides of the chair, his hair disordered curls, +irregularly shading a face, on which all the roseate bloom of youth and all the +manly graces conspired to fix my eye sand heart; even the languour and paleness +of his face, in which the momentary triumph of the lily over the rose was owing +to the excesses of the night, gave an inexpressible sweetness to the finest +features imaginable: his eyes, closed in sleep, displayed the meeting edges of +their lids beautifully bordered with long eye-lashes; over which no pencil +could have described two more regular arches than those that graced his +forehead, which was high, perfectly white and smooth; then a pair of vermilion +lips, pouting and swelling to the touch, as if a bee had freshly stung them, +seemed to challenge me to get the gloves off this lovely sleeper, had not the +modesty and respect, which in both sexes are inseparable from a true passion, +checked my impulses. +</p> + +<p> +But on seeing his shirt collar unbottoned, and bosom whiter than a drift of +snow, the pleasure of considering it could not bribe me to lengthen it, at the +hazard of a health that began to be my life’s concern. Love, that made me +timid, taught me to be tender too: with a trembling hand I took hold of one of +his, and waking him as gently as possible, he started, and looking, at first a +little wildly, said with a voice that sent its harmonious sound to my heart: +“Pray, child, what-a-clock is it?” I told him, and added that he +might catch cold if he slept longer with his breast open in the cool of the +morning air. On this he thanked me with a sweetness perfectly agreeing with +that of his features and eyes; the last now broad open, and eagerly surveying +me, carried the surightly fires they sparkled with directly to my heart. +</p> + +<p> +It seems, that having drank too freely before he came upon the rake with some +of his young companions, he had put himself out of a condition to go through +all the weapons with them, and crown the night with a getting a mistress; so +that seeing me in a loose undress, he did not doubt but I was one of the misses +of the house, sent in to repair his loss of time; but though he seized that +notion, and a very obvious one it was, without hesitation, yet, whether my +figure made a more than ordinary impression on him, or whether it was his +natural politeness, he addressed me in a manner far from rude, though still on +the foot of one of the house pliers come to amuse him; and giving me the first +kiss that I ever relished from man in my life, asked me if I could favour him +with my company, assuring me that he would make it worth my while: but had not +even new-born love, that true refiner of lust, opposed so sudden a surrender, +the fear of being surprised by the house was a sufficient bar to my compliance. +</p> + +<p> +I told him then, in a tone set by love itself, that for reasons I had not time +to explain to him. I could not stay with him, and might even ever see him +again, with a sigh at these words, which broke from the bottom of my heart. My +conqueror, who, as he afterwards told me, had been struck with my appearance, +and liked me as much as he could think of liking any one in my supposed way of +life, asked me briskly at once, if I would be kept by him, and that he would +take a lodging for me directly, and relieve me from any engagements he presumed +I might be under to the house. +</p> + +<p> +Rash, sudden, undigested, even dangerous as this offer might be from a perfect +stranger, and that stranger a giddy boy, the prodigious love I was struck with +for him, had put a charm into every objection: I not resisting, and blinded me +to every objection; I could, at that instant, have died for him: think if I +could resist an invitation to live with him! Thus my heart, beating strong to +the proposal, dictated my answer, after scarce a minute’s pause, that I +would accept of his offer, and make my escape to him in what way he pleased, +and that I would be entirely at his disposal, let it be good or bad. I have +often since wondered that so great an easiness did not disgust him, or make me +too cheap in his eyes, but my fate had so appointed it, that in his fears of +the hazzard of the town, he had been some time looking out for a girl to take +into keeping, and my person happening to hit his fancy, it was by one of those +miracles reserved to love, that we struck the bargain in the instant, which we +sealed by an exchange of kisses, that the hopes of a more uninterrupted +enjoyment engaged him to content himself with. +</p> + +<p> +Never, however, did dear youth carry in his head more wherewith to justify the +turning of a girl’s head, and making her set all consequences at +defiance, for the sake of following a gallant. +</p> + +<p> +For, besides all the perfections of manly beauty which were assembled in his +form, he had an air of neatness and gentility, certain smartness in the +carriage and port of his head, that yet more distinguished him; his eyes were +sprightly and full of meaning; his looks had in them something at once sweet +and commanding; his complexion out-bloomed the lovely coloured rose, whilst its +inimitable tender vivid glow clearly saved it from the reproach of wanting +life, of raw and dough-like, which is commonly made of those so extremely fair +as he was. +</p> + +<p> +Our little plan was, that I should get out about seven the next morning (which +I could readily promise, as I knew where to get the key of the street door) and +he would wait at the end of the street with a coach to convey me safe off; +after which, we would send, and clear any debt incurred by my stay at Mrs. +Brown’s, who, he only judged, in gross, might not care to part with one, +he thought, so fit to draw custom to the house. +</p> + +<p> +I then just hinted to him not to mention in the house his having seen such a +person as me, for reasons I would explain to him more at leisure. And then, for +fear of miscarrying, by being seen together, I tore myself from him with a +bleeding heart, and stole up softly to my room, where I found Phœbe still fast +asleep, and hurrying off my few clothes, lay down by her, with a mixture of joy +and anxiety, that may be easier conceived than expressed. +</p> + +<p> +The risks of Mrs. Brown’s discovering my purpose, of disappointments, +misery, ruin, all vanished before this new-kindled flame. The seeing, the +touching, the being, if but for a night, with this idol of my fond virgin +heart, appeared to me a happiness above the purchase of my liberty or life. He +might use me ill, let him: he was the master, happy, too happy, even to receive +death at so dear a hand. +</p> + +<p> +To this purpose were the reflections of the whole day, of which every minute +seemed to me a little eternity. How often did I visit the clock! nay, was +tempted to advance the tedious hand, as if that would have advanced the time +with it! Had those of the house had the least observations on me, they must +have remarked something extraordinary from the discomposure I could not help +betraying; especially when at dinner mention was made of the charmingest youth +having been there, and stayed breakfast. “Oh! he was such a beauty!... I +should have died for him!... they would pull caps for him!...” and the +like fooleries; which, however, was throwing oil on a fire I was sorely put to +it to smother the blaze of. +</p> + +<p> +The fluctuations of my mind, the whole day, produced one good effect: which +was, that, through mere fatigue, I slept tolerably well till five in the +morning, when I got up, and having dressed myself, waited, under the double +tortures of fear and impatience, for the appointed hour. It came at last, the +dear, critical, dangerous hour came; and now, supported only by the courage +love lent me, I ventured, a tip-toe, down stairs, leaving my box behind, for +fear of being surprized with it in going out. +</p> + +<p> +I got to the street door, the key whereof was always laid on the chair by our +bed side, in trust with Phœbe, who having not the least suspicion of my +entertaining any design to go from them (nor, indeed, had I, but the day +before), made no reserve or concealment of it from me. I opened the door with +great ease; love, that emboldened, protected me too: and now, got safe into the +street, I saw my new guardian angel waiting at a coach door, ready open. How I +got to him I know not: I suppose I flew; but I was in the coach in a trice, and +he by the side of me, with his arms clasped round me, and giving me the kiss of +welcome. The coachman had his orders, and drove to them. +</p> + +<p> +My eyes were instantly filled with tears, but tears of the most delicious +delight; to find myself in the arms of that beauteous youth, was a rapture that +my little hear swam in; past or future were equally out of the question with +me; the present was as much as all my powers of life were sufficient to bear +the transport of, without fainting. Nor were the most tender embraces, the most +soothing expressions wanting on his side, to assure me of his love, and of +never giving me cause to repent the bold step I had taken, in throwing myself +thus entirely upon his honour and generosity. But, alas! this was no merit in +me, for I was drove to it by a passion too impetuous for me to resist, and, I +did what I did, because I could not help it. +</p> + +<p> +In an instant, for time was now annihilated with me, we were landed at a public +house in Chelsea, hospitably commodious for the reception of duet parties of +pleasure, where a breakfast of chocolate was prepared for us. +</p> + +<p> +An old jolly stager, who kept it, and understood life perfectly well, +breakfasted with us, and leering archly at me, gave us both joy, and said, +“we were well paired, i’ faith! that a great many gentlemen and +ladies used his house, but he had never seen a handsomer couple... he was sure +I was a fresh piece... I looked so country, so innocent! well my spouse was a +lucky man!...” all which, common landlord’s cant, not only pleased +and soothed me, but helped to diver my confusion at being with my new +sovereign, whom, the minute approached, I began to fear to be alone with: a +timidity which true love had a greater share in than even maiden bashful-ness. +</p> + +<p> +I wished, I doated, I could have died for him; and yet, I know not how, or why +I dreaded the point which had been the object of my fiercest wishes; my pulses +beat fears, amidst a flush of the warmest desires. This struggle of the +passions, however, this conflict betwixt modesty and lovesick longings, made me +burst again into tears; which he took, as he had done before, only for the +remains of concern and emotion at the suddenness of my change of condition, in +committing myself to his care; and, in consequence of that idea, did and said +all that he thought would most comfort and re-inspirit me. +</p> + +<p> +After breakfast, Charles (the dear familiar name I must take the liberty +henceforward to distinguish my Adonis by), with a smile full of meaning, took +me gently by the hand, and said: “Come, my dear, I will show you a room +that commands a fine prospect over some gardens”; and without waiting for +an answer, in which he relieved me extremely, he led me up into a chamber, airy +and lightsome, where all seeing of prospects was out of the question, except +that of a bed, which had all the air of recommending the room to him. +</p> + +<p> +Charles had just slipped the bolt of the door, and running, caught me in his +arms, and lifting me from the ground, with his lips glued to mine, bore me +trembling, panting, dying with soft fears and tender wishes, to the bed; where +his impatience would not suffer him to undress me, more than just unpinning my +handkerchief and gowns, and unlacing my stays. +</p> + +<p> +My bosom was now bare, and rising in the warmest throbs, presented to his sight +and feeling the firm hard swell of a pair of young breast, such as may be +imagined of a girl not sixteen, fresh out of the country, and never before +handled: but even their pride, whiteness, fashion, pleasing resistance to the +touch, could not bribe his restless hands from roving; but, giving them the +loose, my petticoats and shift were soon taken up, and their stronger center of +attraction laid open to their tender invasion. My fears, however, made me +mechanically close my thighs; but the very touch of his hand insinuated between +them, disclosed them and opened a way for the main attack. +</p> + +<p> +In the mean time, I lay fairly exposed to the examination of his eyes and +hands, quiet and unresisting; which confirmed him the opinion he proceeded so +cavalierly upon, that I was no novice in these matters, since he had taken me +out of a common bawdy house, nor had I said one thing to prepossess him of my +virginity; and if I had, he would sooner have believed that I took him for a +cully that would swallow such an improbability, than that I was still mistress +of that darling treasure, that hidden mine, so eagerly sought after by the men, +and which they never dig for, but to destroy. +</p> + +<p> +Being now too high wound up to bear a delay, he unbuttoned, and drawing out the +engine of love assaults, drove it currently, as at a ready made breach... Then! +then! for the first time, did I feel that stiff horn-hard gristle, battering +against the tender part; but imagine to yourself his surprise, when he found, +after several vigorous pushes, which hurt me extremely, that he made not the +least impression. +</p> + +<p> +I complained, but tenderly complained: “I could not bear it... indeed he +hurt me!...” Still he thought no more, than that being so young, the +largeness of his machine (for few men could dispute size with him) made all the +difficulty; and that possibly I had not been enjoyed by any so advantageously +made in that part as himself: for still, that my virgin flower was yet +un-cropped, never entered into his head, and he would have thought it idling +with time and words, to have questioned me upon it. +</p> + +<p> +He tried again, still no admittance, still no penetration; but he had hurt me +yet more, while my extreme love made me bear extreme pain, almost without a +groan. At length, after repeated fruitless trials, he lay down panting by me, +kissed my falling tears, and asked me tenderly “what was the meaning of +so much complaining? and if I had not borne it better from other than I did +from him?” I answered, with a simplicity framed to persuade, that he was +the first man that ever served me so. Truth is powerful, and it is not always +that we do not believe what we eagerly wish. +</p> + +<p> +Charles, already disposed by the evidence, of his senses to think my pretences +to virginity not entirely apocryphal, smothers me with kisses, begs me, in +the name of love, to have a little patience, and that he wilt be as tender of +hurting me as he would be of himself.. +</p> + +<p> +Alas! it was enough I knew his pleasure to submit joyfully to him, whatever +pain I foresaw it would cost, me. +</p> + +<p> +He now resumes his attempts in more form: first, he put one of the pillows +under me, to give the blank of his aim a more favourable elevation, and another +Under my head, in ease of it; then spreading my thighs, and placing himself +standing betwen them, made them rest upon his; applying then the point of his +machine to the slit, into which he sought entrance, it was so small, he could +scarce assure himself of its being rightly pointed. He looks, he feels, and +satisfies himself: there driving on with fury, its prodigious stiffness, thus +impacted, wedgelike, breaks the union of those parts, and gained him just the +insertion of the tip of it, lip deep; which being sensible of, he improved his +advantage, and following well his stroke, in a straight line, forcibly deepens +his penetration; but put me to such intolerable pain, from the separation of +the sides of that soft passage by a hard thick body, I could have screamed out; +but, as I was unwilling to alarm the house, I held in my breath, and crammed my +petticoat, which was; turned up over my face, into my mouth, and bit it through +in the agony. At length, the tender texture of that tract giving way to such +fierce tearing and rending, he pierced something further into me: and now, +outrageous and no longer his own master, but borne headlong away by the fury +and over-mettle of that member, now exerting itself with a kind of native rage, +he breaks in, carries all before him, and one violent merciless lunge, sent it, +imbrued, and reeking with virgin blood, up to the very hilt in me... Then! then +all my resolution deserted me: I screamed out, and fainted away with the +sharpness of the pain; and, as he told me afterwards, on his drawing out, when +emission was over with him, my thighs were instantly all in a stream of blood, +that flowed from the wounded torn passage. +</p> + +<p> +When I recovered my senses, I found myself undressed and a-bed, in the arms of +the sweet relenting murderer of my virginity, who hung mourning tenderly over +me, and holding in his hand a cordial, which, coming from the still dear author +of so much pain, I could not refuse; my eyes, however, moistened with tears, +and languishingly turned upon him, seemed to reproach him with his cruelty, and +ask him, if such were the rewards of love. But Charles, to whom I was now +infinitely endeared by his complete triumph over a maidenhead, where he so +little expected to find one, in tenderness to that pain which he had put me to, +in procuring himself the height of pleasure, smothered his exultation, and +employed himself with so much sweetness, so much warmth, to sooth, to caress, +and comfort me in my soft complainings, which breathed, indeed, more love than +resentment, that I presently drowned all sense of pain in the pleasure of +seeing him, of thinking that I belonged to him: he who was now the absolute +disposer of my happiness, and, in one word, my fate. +</p> + +<p> +The sore was, however, too tender, the wound too bleeding fresh, for +Charles’s good-nature to put my patience presently to another trial; but +as I could not stir, or walk a-cross the room, he ordered the dinner to be +brought to the bed side, where it could not be otherwise than my getting down +the wing of a fowl, and two or three glasses of wine, since it was my adored +youth who both served, and urged them on me, with that sweet irresistible +authority with which love had invested him over me. +</p> + +<p> +After dinner, and everything but the wine was taken away, Charles very +impudently asks a leave, he might read the grant of in my eyes, to come to bed +to me, and accordingly falls to undressing; which I could not see the progress +of without strange emotions of fear and pleasure. +</p> + +<p> +He is now in bed with me the first time, and in broad day; but when thrusting +up his own shirt and my shift, he laid his naked glowing body to mine... oh +insupportable delight! oh! superhuman rapture! what pain could stand before a +pleasure so transporting? I felt no more the smart of my wounds below; but, +curling round him like the tendril of a vine, as if I feared any part of him +should be untouched or unpressed by me, I returned his strenuous embraces and +kisses with a fervour and gust only known to true love, and which mere lust +never rise to. +</p> + +<p> +Yes, even at this time, that all the tyranny of the passions is fully over, and +that my veins roll no longer but a cold tranquil stream, the remembrance of +those passages that most affected me in my youth, still cheers and refreshes +me; let me proceed then. My beauteous youth was now glued to me in all the +folds and twists that we could make our bodies meet in; when, no longer able to +rein in the fierceness of refreshed desires, he gives his steed the head, and +gently insinuating his thighs between mine, stopping my mouth with kisses of +humid fire, makes a fresh eruption, and renewing his thrusts, pierces, tears, +and forces his way up the torn tender folds, that yielded him admission with a +smart little less severe that when the breach was first made I stifled, +however, my cries, and bore him with the passive fortitude of an heroine; soon +his thrusts, more and more furious, cheeks flushed with a deeper scarlet, his +eyes turned up in the fervent fit, some dying sighs, and an agonizing shudder, +announced the approaches of that ecstatic pleasure, I was yet in too much pain +to come in for my share of. +</p> + +<p> +Nor was it till after a few enjoyments had numbed and blunted the sense of the +smart, and given me to feel the titillating inspersion of balsamic sweets, drew +from me the delicious return, and brought down all my passion, that I arrived +at excess of pleasure through excess of pain. But, when successive engagements +had broke and inured me, I began to enter into the true unalloyed relish of +that pleasure of pleasures, when the warm gush darts through all the ravished +inwards; what floods of bliss! what melting transports! what agonies of +delight! too fierce, too mighty for nature to sustain?... well has she +therefore, no doubt provided the relief of a delicious momentary dissolution, +the approaches of which are intimated by a dear delirium, a sweet thrill, on +the point of emitting those liquid sweets, in which enjoyment itself is +drowned, when one gives the languishing stretch out, and die at the discharge. +</p> + +<p> +How often, when the rage and tumult of my senses had subsided, after the +melting flow, have I, in a tender meditation, asked myself cooly the question, +if it was in nature for any of its creatures to be so happy as I was? Or, what +were all fears of the consequence, put in the scale of one night’s +enjoyment, of any thing so transcendently the taste of my eyes and heart, as +that delicious, fond, matchless youth. +</p> + +<p> +Thus we spent the whole afternoon, till supper time in a continued circle of +love delights, kissing, turtle-billing, toying, and all the rest of the feast. +At length, supper was served in, before which Charles had, for I do not know +what reason, slipped his clothes on; and sitting down by the bed side, we made +table and tablecloth of the bed and sheets, whilst he suffered nobody to attend +or serve but himself. He ate with a very good appetite, and seemed charmed to +see me eat. For my part, I was so transported with the comparison of the +delights I now swam in, with the insipidity of all my past scenes of life, that +I thought them sufficiently cheap, at even the price of my ruin, or the risk of +their not lasting. The present possession was all my little head could find +room for. +</p> + +<p> +We lay together that night, when, after playing repeated prizes of pleasure, +nature, overspent and satisfied, gave us up to the arms of sleep: those of my +dear youth encircled me, the consciousness of which made even that sleep more +delicious. +</p> + +<p> +Late in the morning I waked, first; and observing my lover slept profoundly, +softly disengaged myself from his arms, scarcely daring to breathe, for fear of +shortening his repose; my cap, my hair, my shift, were all in disorder, from +the rufflings I had undergone; and I took this opportunity to adjust and set +them as well as I could: whilst, every now and then, looking at the sleeping +youth, with inconceivable fondness and delight, and reflecting on all the pain +he had put me to, tacitly owned that the pleasure had overpaid me for my +sufferings. +</p> + +<p> +It was then broad day. I was sitting up in the bed, the clothes of which were +all tossed, or rolled off, by the unquietness of our motions, from the sultry +heat of the weather; nor could I refuse myself a pleasure that solicited me so +irresistibly, as this fair occasion of feasting my sight with all those +treasures of youthful beauty I had enjoyed, and which lay now almost entirely +naked, his shirt being trussed up in a perfect wisp, which the warmth of the +season and room made me easy about the consequence of. I hung over him +enamoured indeed! and devoured all his naked charms with only two eyes, when I +could have wished them at least an hundred for the fuller enjoyment of the +gaze. +</p> + +<p> +Oh! could I paint his figure as I see it now, still present to my transported +imagination! a whole length of an all perfect manly beauty in full view. Think +of a face without a fault, glowing with all the opening bloom and verdant +freshness of an age, in which beauty is of either sex, and which the first down +over his upper lip scarce began to distinguish. +</p> + +<p> +The parting of the double ruby pout of his lips seemed to exhale an air sweeter +and purer than what it drew in: ah! what violence did it not cost me to refrain +the so tempted kiss! +</p> + +<p> +Then a neck exquisitely turned, graved behind and on the sides with fais hair, +playing freely in natural ringlets, connected his head to a body of the most +perfect form, and of the most vigorous contexture, in which all the strength of +manhood was concealed, and softened to appearance by the delicacy of his +complexion, the smoothness of his skin, and the plumpness of his flesh. +</p> + +<p> +The platform of his snow white bosom, that was laid out in a manly proportion, +presented, on the vermilion summit of each pap, the idea of a rose about to +blow. +</p> + +<p> +Nor did his shirt hinder me from observing the symmetry of his limbs, that +exactness of shape, in the fall of it towards the loins, where the waist ends +and the rounding swell of the hips commences; where the skin, sleek, smooth, +and dazzling white, burnishes on; the stretch-over firm, plump, ripe flesh, +that crimped’ and ran into dimples at the least pressure, or that the +touch could not rest upon, but slid over on the surface of the most polished +ivory. +</p> + +<p> +His thighs, finely fashioned, and with a florid glossy roundness, gradually +tapering away to the knees, seemed pillars worthy to support that beauteous +frame at the bottom of which I could not, without some remains of terror, some +tender emotions too, fix my eyes on that terrible machine, which had, not long +before, with such fury broke into, torn, and almost ruined those soft, tender +parts of mine, that had not yet done smarting with the effects of its rage; but +behold it now! crest fallen, reclining its half-caped vermilion head over one +of his thighs, quiet, pliant, and to all appearances incapable of the mischiefs +and cruelty it had committed. Then the beautiful growth of the hair, in short +and soft curls round its roots, its whiteness, branched veins, the supple +softness of the shaft, as it lay foreshortened, rolled and shrunk up into a +squat thickness, languid, and borne up from between his thighs, by its globular +appendage, that wondrous treasure bag of nature’s sweets, which revelled +round, and pursed up in the only wrinkles that are known to please, perfected +the prospect, and altogether formed the most interesting moving picture in +nature, and surely infinitely superior to those nudities furnished by the +painters, statuaries, or any art, which are purchased at immense prices; whilst +the sight of them in actual life is scarce sovereignly tasted by any but the +few whom nature has endowed with a fire of imagination, warmly pointed by a +truth of judgment to the spring-head, the originals of beauty, of +nature’s unequalled composition, above all the imitations of art, or the +reach of wealth to pay their price. +</p> + +<p> +But every thing must have an end. A motion made by this angelic youth, in the +listlessness of goingoff sleep, replaced his shirt and the bed clothes in a +posture that shut up that treasury from longer view. +</p> + +<p> +I lay down then, and carrying my hands to that part of me in which the objects +just seen had begun to raise a mutiny, that prevailed over the smart of them, +my fingers now opened themselves an easy passage; but long I had not time to +consider the wide difference there, between the maid and the now finished +woman, before Charles waked, and turning towards me, kindly enquired how I had +rested? and, scarce giving me time to answer, imprinted on my lips one of his +burning rapture kisses, which darted a flame to my heart, that from thence +radiated to every part of me; and presently, as if he had proudly meant revenge +for the survey I had smuggled of all his naked beauties, he spurns off the bed +clothes, and trussing up my shift as high as it would go, took his turn to +feast his eyes on all the gifts nature had bestowed on my person; his busy +hands, too, ranged intemperately over every part of me. The delicious austerity +and hardness of my yet unripe budding breasts, the whiteness and firmness of my +flesh, the freshness and regularity of my features, the harmony of my limbs, +all seemed to confirm him in his satisfaction with his bargain; but when +curious to explore the havock he had made in the centre of his over fierce +attack, he not only directed his hands there, but with a pillow put under, +placed me favourably for his wanton purpose of inspection. Then, who can +express the fire his eyes glistened, his hands glowed with! whilst sighs of +pleasure, and tender broken exclamations, were all the praises he could utter. +By this time his machine, stiffly risen at me, gave me to see it in its highest +state and bravery. He feels it himself, seems pleased at its condition, and, +smiling loves and graces, seizes one of my hands, and carries it, with gentle +compulsion, to this pride of nature, and its richest master piece. +</p> + +<p> +I, struggling faintly, could not help feeling what I could not grasp, a column +of the whitest ivory, beautifully streaked with blue veins, and carrying, fully +un-capt, a head of the liveliest vermilion: no horn could be harder or stiffer; +yet no velvet more smooth or delicious to the touch. Presently he guided my +hand lower, to that part in which nature, and pleasure keep their stores in +concert, so aptly fastened and hung on to the root of their first instrument +and minister, that not improperly he might be styled their purse-bearer too: +there he made me feel distinctly, through their soft cover, the contents, a +pair of roundish balls, that seemed to play within, and elude all pressure, but +the tenderest, from without. +</p> + +<p> +But now this visit of my soft, warm hand, in those so sensible parts, had put +every thing into such ungovernable fury, disdaining all further preluding, and +taking advantage of my commodious posture, he made the storm fall where I +scarce patiently expected, and where he was sure to lay it: presently, then, I +felt the stiff intersection betwen the yielding, divided lips of the wound, now +open for life; where the narrowness no longer put me to intolerable pain, and +afforded my lover no more difficulty than what heightened his pleasure, in the +strict embrace of that tender, warm sheath, round the instrument it was so +delicately adjusted to, and which now cased home, so gorged me with pleasure, +that it perfectly suffocated me and took away my breath; then the killing +thrusts! the unnumbered kisses! every one of which was a joy inexpressible; and +that joy lost in a crowd of yet greater blisses! But this was a disorder too +violent in nature to last long: the vessels, so stirred and intensely heated, +soon boiled over, and for that time put out the fire; meanwhile all this +dalliance and disport had so far consumed the morning, that it became a kind of +necessity to lay breakfast and dinner into one. +</p> + +<p> +In our calmer intervals Charles gave the following account of himself, every +tittle of which was true. He was the only son of a father, who, having a small +post in the revenue, rather overlived his income, and had given this young +gentleman a very slender education: no profession had he bred him up to, but +designed to provide for him in the army, by purchasing him an ensign’s +commission, that is to say, provided he could raise the money, or procure it by +interest, either of which clauses was rather to be wished than hoped for by +him. On no better a plan, however, had his improvident father suffered this +youth, a youth of great promise, to run up to the age of manhood, or near it at +least, in next to idleness; and had, besides, taken no sort of pains to give +him even the common premonitions against the vices of the town, and the dangers +of all sorts which wait the unexperienced and unwary in it. He lived at home, +and at discretion with his father, who himself kept a mistress; and for the +rest, provided Charles did not ask him for money, he was indolently kind to +him: he might lie out when he pleased, any excuse would serve, and even his +reprimands were so slight, that they carried with them rather an air of +connivance at the fault, than any serious control or constraint. But, to supply +his calls for money, Charles, whose mother was dead, had, by her side, a +grandmother, who doated upon him. She had a considerable annuity to live on, +and very regularly parted with every shilling she could spare, to this darling +of her’s, to the no little heart-burn of his father; who was vexed, not +that she, by this means, fed his son’s extravagance, but that she +preferred Charles to himself; and we shall too soon see what a fatal turn such +a mercenary jealousy could operate on the breast of a father. +</p> + +<p> +Charles was, however, by the means of his grandmother’s lavish fondness, +very sufficiently enabled to keep a mistress, so easily contented as my love +made me; and my good fortune, for such I must ever call it, threw me in his +way, in the manner above related, just as he was on the look-out for one. +</p> + +<p> +As to temper, the even sweetness of it made him seem born for domestic +happiness: tender, naturally polite, and gentle-manner’d; it could never +be his fault, if ever jars, or animosities ruffled a calm he was so qualified +every way to maintain or restore. Without those great or shining qualities that +constitute a genius, or are fit to make a noise in the world, he had all those +humble ones that compose the softer social merit: plain common sense, set off +with every grace of modesty and good nature, made him, if not admired, what is +much happier: universally beloved and esteemed. But, as nothing but the +beauties of his person had at first attracted my regard and fixed my passion, +neither was I then a judge of the internal merit, which I had afterwards full +occasion to discover, and which, perhaps, in that season of giddiness and +levity, would have touched my heart very little, had it been lodged in a person +less the delight of my eyes, and idol of my senses. But to return to our +situation. +</p> + +<p> +After dinner, which we ate a-bed in most voluptuous disorder, Charles got up, +and taking a passionate leave of me for a few hours, went to town, where +concerting matters with a young sharp lawyer, they went together to my late +venerable mistress’s, from whence I had, but the day before, made my +elopement, and with whom he was determined to settle accounts, in a manner that +should cut off all after reckonings from that quarter. +</p> + +<p> +Accordingly they went; but by the way, the Templar, his friend, on thinking +over Charles’s information, saw reason to give their visit another turn, +and, instead of offering satisfaction, to demand it. +</p> + +<p> +On being let in, the girls of the house flocked round Charles, whom they knew, +and from the earlyness of my escape, and their perfect ignorance of his ever +having so much as seen me, not having the least suspicion of his being +accessory to my flight, they were, in their way, making up to him; and as to +his companion, they took him probably for a fresh cully. But the Templar soon +checked their forwardness, by enquiring for the old lady, with whom he said, +with a grave-like countenance, that he had some business to settle. +</p> + +<p> +Madam was immediately sent for down, and the ladies being desired to clear the +room, the lawyer asked her, severely, if she did know, or had not decoyed, +under pretence of hiring as a servant, a young girl, just come out of the +country, called Frances or Fanny Hill, describing me withal as particularly as +he could from Charlie’s description. +</p> + +<p> +It is peculiar to vice to tremble at the enquiries of justice; and Mrs. Brown, +whose conscience was not entirely clear upon my account, as knowing as she was +of the town as hackneyed as she was in bluffing through all the dangers of her +vocation, could not help being alarmed at the questions, especially when he +went on to talk of a Justice of peace, Newgate, the Old Bailey, indictments for +keeping a disorderly house, pillory, carting, and the whole process of that +nature. She, who, it is likely, imagined I had lodged an information against +her house, looked extremely blank, and began to make a thousand protestations +and excuses. However, to abridge, they brought away triumphantly my box of +things, which, had she not ben under an awe, she might have disputed with them; +and not only that, but a clearance and discharge of any demands on the house, +at the expense of no more than a bowl of arrack-punch, the treat of which, +together with the choice of the house conveniences, was offered and not +accepted. Charles all the time acted the chance companion of the lawyer, who +had brought him there, as he knew the house, and appeared in no wise interested +in the issue; but he had the collateral pleasure of hearing all that I told him +verified, as far as the bawd’s fears would give her leave to enter into +my history, which, if one may guess by the composition she so readily came +into, were not small. +</p> + +<p> +Phœbe, my kind tutoress Phœbe, was at the time gone out, perhaps in search of +me, or their cooked-up story had not, it is probable, passed smoothly. +</p> + +<p> +This negociation had, however, taken up some time, which would have appeared +much longer to me, left as I was, in a strange house, if the landlady, a +motherly sort of a woman, to whom Charles had liberally recommended me, had not +come up and borne me company. We drank tea, and her chat helped to pass away +the time very agreeably, since he was our theme; but as the evening deepened, +and the hour set for his return was elapsed, I could not dispel the gloom of +impatience, and tender fears which gathered upon me, and which our timid sex +are apt to feel in proportion to their love. +</p> + +<p> +Long, however, I did not suffer: the sight of him over-paid me; and the soft +reproach I had prepared for him, expired before it reached my lips. +</p> + +<p> +I was still a-bed, yet unable to use my legs otherwise than awkwardly, and +Charles flew to me, catches me in his arms, raised and extending mine to meet +his dear embrace, and gives me an account, interrupted by many a sweet +parenthesis of kisses, of the success of his measures. +</p> + +<p> +I could not help laughing at the fright of the old woman had been put into, +which my ignorance, and indeed my want of innocence, had far from prepared me +from bespeaking. She had, it seems, apprehended that I fled the shelter to some +relation I had recollected in town, on my dislike of their ways and proceedings +towards me, and that this application came from thence; for, as Charles had +rightly judged, not one neighbour had, at that still hour, seen the +circumstance of my escape into the coach, or, at least, noticed him; neither +had any in the house, the least hint of suspicion of my having spoken to him, +much less of my having clapt up such a sudden bargain with a perfect stranger, +thus the greatest improbability is not always what we should most mistrust. +</p> + +<p> +We supped with all the gaiety of two young giddy creatures at the top of their +desires; and as I had given up to Charles the whole charge of my future +happiness, I thought of nothing beyond the exquisite pleasure of possessing +him. +</p> + +<p> +He came to bed in due time; and this second night, the pain being pretty well +over, I tasted, in full draught, all the transports of perfect enjoyment: I +swam, I bathed in bliss, till both fell asleep, through the natural +consequences of satisfied desires, and appeased flames; nor did we wake but to +renewed raptures. +</p> + +<p> +Thus, making the most of love, and life did we stay in this lodging in Chelsea +about ten days; in which time Charles took care to give his excursions from +home a favourable gloss, and to keep his footing with his fond indulgent +grand-mother, from whom he drew constant and sufficient supplies for the charge +I was to him, and which was very trifling, in comparison with his former less +regular course of pleasure. +</p> + +<p> +Charles removed me then to a private ready furnished lodging in D.... street, +St. James’s, where he paid half a guinea a week for two rooms and a +closet on the second floor, which he had been some time looking out for, and +was more convenient for the frequency of his visits, than where he had at first +placed me, in a house, which I cannot say but I left with regret, as it was +infinitely endeared to me by the first possession of my Charles, and the +circumstance of losing, there, that jewel, which can never be twice lost. The +landlord, however, had no reason to complain of any thing, but of a procedure +in Charles too liberal not to make him regret the loss of us. +</p> + +<p> +Arrived at our new lodging, I remember I thought them extremely fine, though +ordinary enough, even at that price; but, had it been a dungeon that Charles +had brought me to, his presence would have made a little Versailles. +</p> + +<p> +The landlady, Mrs. Jones, waited on us to our apartment, and with great +volubility of tongue, explained to us all its conveniences: “that her own +maid should wait on us... that the best of quality had lodged at her house... +that her first floor was let to a foreign secretary of an embassy, and his +lady... that I looked like a very good natured lady...” At the word lady, +I blushed out of flattered vanity: this was strong for a girl of my condition; +for though Charles had the precaution of dressing me in a less tawdry flaunting +style than were the clothes I escaped to him in, and of passing me for his +wife, that she had secretly married, and kept private (the old story) on +account of his friends, I dare swear this appeared extremely apocryphal to a +woman who knew the town so well as she did; but that was the least of her +concern: it was impossible to be less scruple-ridden than she was; and the +advantage of letting her rooms being her sole object, the truth itself would +have far from scandalized her, or broke her bargain. +</p> + +<p> +A sketch of her picture, and personal history, will dispose you to account for +the part she is to act in my concern. +</p> + +<p> +She was about forty six years old, tall, meagre, red-haired, with one of those +trivial ordinary faces you meet with every where, and go about unheeded and +un-mentioned. In her youth she had been kept by a gentleman, who, dying, left +her forty pounds a year during her life, in consideration of a daughter he had +by her: which daughter, at the age of seventeen, she sold, for not a very +considerable sum neither, to a gentleman who was going on envoy abroad, and +took his purchase with him, where he used her with the utmost tenderness, and +it is thought, was secretly married to her: but had constantly made a point of +her not keeping up the least correspondence with a mother base enough to make a +market of her own flesh and blood. However, as she had not nature, nor, indeed, +any passion but that of money, this gave her no further uneasiness, then, as +she thereby lost a handle of squeezing presents, or other after advantages, +out of the bargain. Indifferent then, by nature of constitution, to every other +pleasure but that of increasing the lump, by any means whatever, she commenced +a kind of private procuress, for which she was not amiss fitted, by her grave +decent appearance, and sometimes did a job in the match-making way; in short, +there was, nothing that appeared to her under the shape of gain, that she would +not have undertaken. She knew most of the ways of the town, having not only +herself been upon, but kept up constant intelligences in promoting a harmony +between the two sexes, in private pawn-broking, and other profitable secrets. +She rented the house she lived in, and made the most of it, by letting it out +in lodgings; though she was worth, at least, near three or four thousand +pounds, she would not allow herself even the necessaries, of life, and pinned +her subsistence entirely on what she could squeeze out of her lodgers. +</p> + +<p> +When she saw such a young pair come under her roof, her immediate notions, +doubtless, were how she should make the most money of us, by every means that +money might be made, and which, she rightly judged, our situations and +inexperience would soon beget her occasions of. +</p> + +<p> +In this hopeful sanctuary, and under the clutches of this harpy, did we pitch +our residence. It will not be might material to you, or very pleasant to me, to +enter into a detail of all the petty cut-throat ways and means with which she +used to fleece us; all which Charles indolently chose to bear with, rather than +take the trouble of removing, the difference of expense being scarce attended +to by a young gentleman who had no ideas of stint, or even economy, and a raw +country girl who knew nothing of the matter. +</p> + +<p> +Here, however, under the wings of my sovereignly beloved, did the most +delicious hours of my life flow on; my Charles I had, and, in him, every thing +my fond heart could wish or desire. He carried me to plays, operas, +masquerades, and every diversion of the town; all which pleased me, indeed, but +pleased me infinitely the more for his being with me, and explaining every +thing to me, and enjoying perhaps, the natural impressions of surprise and +admiration, which such sights, at the first, never fail to excite in a country +girl, new to the delights of them; but to me, they sensibly proved the power +and dominion of the sole passion of my heart over me, a passion in which soul +and body were concentered, and left me no room for any other relish of life but +love. +</p> + +<p> +As to the men I saw at those places, or at any other, they suffered so much in +the comparison my eyes made of them with my all-perfect Adonis, that I had not +the infidelity even of one wandering thought to reproach myself with upon his +account. He was the universe to me, and all that was not him, was nothing to +me. +</p> + +<p> +My love, in fine, was so excessive, that is arrived at annihilating every +suggestion or kindling spark of jealousy; for, one idea only, tending that way, +gave me such exquisite torment, that my self-love, and dread of worse than +death, made me for ever renounce and defy it: nor had I, indeed, occasion; for, +were I to enter here on the recital of several instances wherein Charles +sacrificed to me women of much greater importance than I dare hint (which, +considering his form, was no such wonder), I might, indeed, give you full proof +of his unshaken constancy to me; but would not you accuse me of warming up +against a feast, which my vanity ought long ago to have been satisfied with? +</p> + +<p> +In our cessations from active pleasure, Charles framed himself one, in +instructing me, as far as his own lights reached, in a great many points of +life, that I was, in consequence of my no-education, perfectly ignorant of: nor +did I suffer one word to fall in vain from the mouth of my lovely teacher: I +hung on every syllable he uttered, and received, as oracles, all he said; +whilst kisses were all the interruption I could not refuse myself the pleasure +of admitting, from lips that breathed more than Arabian sweetness, I was in a +little time enabled, by the progress I had made, to prove the deep regard I had +paid to all that he had said to me: repeating it to him almost word for word; +and to shew that I was not entirely the parrot, but that I reflected upon, that +I entered into it, I joined my own comments, and asked him questions of +explanation. +</p> + +<p> +My country accent, and the rusticity of my gait, manners, and deportment, began +now sensibly to wear off: so quick was my observation, and so efficacious my +desire of growing every day worthier of his heart. +</p> + +<p> +As to money, though, he brought me constantly all he received, it was with +difficulty he even got me to give it room in my bureau; and what clothes I had, +he could prevail on me to accept of on no other foot, than that of pleasing him +by the greater neatness in my dress, beyond which I had no ambition. I could +have made a pleasure of the greatest toil, and worked my fingers to the bone, +with joy, to have supported him: guess, then, if I could harbour any idea of +being burthensome to him, and this disinterested turn in me was so unaffected, +so much the dictate of my heart, that Charles could not but feel it: and if he +did not love me as much as I did him (which was the constant and only matter of +sweet contention between us), he managed so, at least, as to give me the +satisfaction of believing it impossible for man to be more tender, more true, +more faithful than he was. +</p> + +<p> +Our landlady, Mrs. Jones, came frequently up to my apartment, from whence I +never stirred on any pretext without Charles; nor was it long before she wormed +out, without much art, the secret of our having cheated the church of a +ceremony, and, in course, of the terms we lived together upon; a circumstance +which far from displeased her, considering the designs she had upon me, and +which, alas! she will have too soon, room to carry into execution. But in the +meantime, her own experience of life let her see, that any attempt, however +indirect or disguised, to divert or break, at least presently, so strong a +cement of hearts as ours was, could only end in losing two lodgers, of whom she +had made very competent advantages, if either of us came to smoke her +commission, for a commission she had from one of her customers, either to +debauch, or get me away from my keeper at any rate. +</p> + +<p> +But the barbarity of my fate soon saved her the task of disuniting us. I had +now been eleven months with this life of my life, which had passed in one +continued rapid stream of delight: but nothing so violent was ever made to +last. I was about three months gone with a child by him, a circumstances would +have added to his tenderness, had he ever left me room to believe it could +receive an addition, when the mortal, the unexpected blow of separation fell +upon us. I shall gallop post-over the particulars, which I shudder yet to think +of, and cannot; to this instant, reconcile myself how, or by what means I could +out-live it. +</p> + +<p> +Two live-long days had I lingered through without hearing from him, I who +breathed, who existed but in him, and had never yet seen twenty-four hours pass +without seeing or hearing from him. The third day my impatience was so strong, +my alarms had been so severe, that I perfectly sickened with them; and being +unable to support the shock longer, I sunk upon the bed, and ringing for Mrs. +Jones, who had far from comforted me under my anxieties, she came up, and I had +scarce breath and spirit enough to find words to beg of her, if she would save +my life, to fall upon some means of finding out, instantly, what was become of +its only prop and comfort. She pitied me in a way that rather sharpened my +affliction than suspended it, and went out upon this commission. +</p> + +<p> +For she had but to go to Charles’s house, who lived but an easy distance, +in one of the streets that run into Covent Garden. There she went into a public +house, and from thence sent for a mid servant, whose name I had given her, as +the properest to inform her. +</p> + +<p> +The maid readily came, and as readily, when Mrs. Jones enquired of her what had +become of Mr. Charles, or whether he was gone out of town, acquainted her with +the disposal of her master’s son, which, the very day after, was no +secret to the servants. Such sure measures had he taken, for the most cruel +punishment of his child for having more interest with his grandmother than he +had, though he made use of a pretence, plausible enough, to get rid of him in +this secret abrupt manner, for fear her fondness should have interposed a bar +to his leaving England, and proceeding on a voyage he had concerted for him; +which pretext was, that it was indispensably necessary to secure a considerable +inheritance that devolved to him by the death of a rich merchant (his own +brother) at one of the factories in the South Seas, of which he had lately +received advice, together with a copy of the will. +</p> + +<p> +In consequence of which resolution, to send away his son, he had, unknown to +him, made the necessary preparations for fitting him out, struck a bargain with +the captain of a ship, whose punctual execution of his orders he had secured, +by his interest with his principal owners and patron; and, in short, concerted +his measures so secretly, and effectually, that whilst the son thought he was +going down to the river, that would take him a few hours, he was stopt on board +of a ship, debarred from writing, and more strictly watched than a State +criminal. +</p> + +<p> +Thus was the idol of my soul torn from me, and forced on a long voyage, without +taking leave of one friend, or receiving one line of comfort, except a dry +explanation and instructions, from his father, how to proceed when he should +arrive at his destined port, enclosing, withal, some letters of recommendation +to a factor there: all these particulars I did not learn minutely till some +time after. +</p> + +<p> +The maid, at the same time, added, that she was sure this usage of her sweet +young master would be the death of his grand-mamma, as indeed it proved true; +for the old lady, on hearing it, did not survive the news a whole month, and as +her fortune consisted in an annuity, out of which she had laid up no reserves, +she left nothing worth mentioning to her so fatally envied darling, but +absolutely refused to see his father before she died. +</p> + +<p> +When Mrs. Jones returned, and I observed her looks, they seemed so unconcerned, +and even nearest to pleased, that I half flattered myself she was going to set +my tortured heart at ease, by bringing me good news; but this, indeed, was a +cruel delusion of hope: the barbarian, with all the coolness imaginable, stabs +me to the heart, in telling me, succinctly, that he was sent away, at least, on +a four years’ voyage (here she stretched maliciously), and that I could +not expect, in reason, ever to see him again: and all this with such pregnant +circumstances, that I could not escape giving them credit, as they were, +indeed, too true! +</p> + +<p> +She had hardly finished her report before I fainted away, and after several +successive fits, all the while wild and senseless, I miscarried of the dear +pledge of my Charles’s love; but the wretched never die when it is +fittest they should die, and women are hard-lived! to a proverb. +</p> + +<p> +The cruel and interested care taken to recover me, saved an odious life: which, +instead of the happiness and joys it had overflower in, all of a sudden +presented no view before me of any thing but the depth of misery, horror, and +the sharpest affliction. +</p> + +<p> +Thus I lay six weeks, in the struggles of youth and constitution, against the +friendly efforts of death, which I constantly invoked to my relief and +deliverance, but which proved too weak for my wish. I recovered at length, but +into a state of stupefaction and despair, that threatened me with the loss of +my senses, and a mad house. +</p> + +<p> +Time, however, that great comforter in ordinary, began to assuage the violence +of my suffering, and to numb my feeling of them. My health returned to me, +though I still retained an air of grief, dejection, and languor, which taking +off from the ruddiness of my country complexion, rendered it rather more +delicate and affecting. +</p> + +<p> +The landlady had all this while officiously provided, and seen that I wanted +for nothing: and as soon as she saw me retrieved into a condition of answering +her purpose, one day, after we had dined together, she congratulated me on my +recovery, the merit of which she took entirely to herself, and all this by way +of introduction to a most terrible, and scurvy epilogue: “You are +now,” says she, “Miss Fanny, tolerably well, and you are very +welcome to stay in these lodgings as; long as you please! you see I have asked +you for nothing this long time, but truly I have a call to make up a sum of +money, which must be answered.” And, with that, presents me with a bill +of arrears for rent, diet, apothecaries’ charges, nurse, etc., sum total +twenty-three pounds, seventeen and six-pence: towards discharging of which I +had not in the world (which she well knew) more than seven guineas, left by +chance, of my dear Charles’s common stock, with me. At the same time, she +desired me to tell her what course I would take for payment. I burst out into a +flood of tears, and told her my condition: that I would sell what few clothes I +had, and that, for the rest, would pay her as soon as possible. But my +distress, being favourable to her view, only stiffened her the more. +</p> + +<p> +She told me, very cooly, that “she was indeed sorry for my misfortunes, +but that she must do herself justice, though it would go to the very heart of +her to send such a tender young creature to prison....” At the word +“prison!” every drop of my blood chilled, and my fright acted so +strongly upon me, that, turning as pale and faint as a criminal at the first +sight of his place of execution, I was on the point of swooning. My landlady, +who wanted only to terrify me to a certain point, and not to throw me into a +state of body inconsistent with her designs upon it, began to sooth me again, +and told me, in a tone composed to more pity and gentleness, that “it +would be my own fault, if she was forced to proceed to such extremities; but +she believed there was a friend to be found in the world, who would make up +matters to both our satisfactions, and that she would bring him to drink tea +with us that very afternoon, when she hoped we would come to a right +understanding in our affairs.” To all this, not a word of answer; I sat +mute, confounded, terrified. +</p> + +<p> +Mrs. Jones, however, judging rightly that it was time to strike while the +impressions were so strong upon me, left me to myself and to all the terrors of +an imagination, wounded to death by the idea of going to prison, and, from a +principle of self-preservation, snatching at every glimpse of redemption from +it. +</p> + +<p> +In this situation I sat near half an hour, swallowed up in grief and despair, +when my landlady came in, and observing a death-like dejection in my +countenance, still in pursuance of her plan, put on a false pity, and bidding +me be of good heart: “Things,” she said, “would be but my own +friend”; and closed with telling me “she had brought a very +honourable gentleman to drink tea with me, who would give me the best advice +how to get rid of all my troubles.” Upon which, without waiting for a +reply, she goes out, and returns with this very honourable gentleman, whose +very honourable procuress she had been, on this, as well as other occasions. +</p> + +<p> +The gentleman, on his entering the room, made me a very civil bow, which I had +scarce strength, or presence of mind enough to return a curtsey to; when the +landlady, taking upon her to do all the honours of the first interview (for I +had never, that I remember, seen the gentleman before), sets a chair for him, +another for herself. All this while not a word on either side; a stupid stare +was all the face I could put on this strange visit. +</p> + +<p> +The tea was made, and the landlady, unwilling, I suppose, to lose any time, +observing my silence and shyness before this entire stranger: “Come, Miss +Fanny,” says she, in a coarse familiar style, and tone of authority, +“hold up your head, child, and do not let sorrow spoil that pretty face +of yours. What! sorrows are only for a time; come, be free, here is a worthy +gentleman who has heard of your misfortunes, and is willing to serve you; you +must be better acquainted with him, do not you now stand upon your punctilios, +and this and that, but make your market while you may.” +</p> + +<p> +At this so delicate, and eloquent harangue, the gentleman, who saw I looked +frighted and amazed, and, indeed, incapable of answering, took her up for +breaking things in so abrupt a manner, as rather to shock than incline me to an +acceptance of the good he intended me then, addressing himself to me, told me +“he was perfectly acquainted with my whole story, and every circumstance +of my distress which he owned was a cruel plunge for one of my youth and beauty +to fall into.... that he had long taken a liking to my person, for which he +appealed to Mrs. Jones, there present; but finding me so deeply engaged to +another, he had lost all hopes of succeeding, till he had heard the sudden +reverse of fortune that had happened to me, on which he had given particular +orders to my landlady to see that I should want for nothing; and that, had he +not been forced abroad to the Hague, on affairs he could not refuse himself to, +he would himself have attended me during my sickness;... that on his return, +which was the day before, he had, on learning my recovery, desired my +landlady’s good offices to introduce him to me, and was as angry, at +least, as I was shocked, at the manner in which she had conducted herself +towards obtaining him that happiness; but, that to show me how much he +disdained her procedure, and how far he was from taking any ungenerous +advantage of my situation, and from exacting any security for my gratitude, he +would before my face, that instant, discharge my debt entirely to my landlady, +and give me her receipt in full; after which I should be at liberty either to +reject or grant his suit, as he was much above putting any force upon my +inclinations.” +</p> + +<p> +Whilst he was exposing his sentiments to me, I ventured just to look up to him, +and observed his figure, which was that of a very well-looking gentleman, well +made, of about forty, dressed in a suit of plain clothes, with a large diamond +ring on one of his fingers, the lustre of which played in my eyes as he waved +his hand in talking, and raised my notions of his importance. In short, he +might pass for what is commonly called a comely black man, with an air of +distinction natural to his birth and condition. +</p> + +<p> +To all his speeches, however, I answered only in tears that flower plentifully +to my relief, and choking up my voice, excused me from speaking, very luckily, +for I should not have known what to say. +</p> + +<p> +The sight, however, moved him, as he afterwards told me, irresistibly, and by +way of giving me some reason to be less powerfully afflicted, he drew out his +purse, and calling for pen and ink, which the landlady was prepared for, paid +her every farthing of her demand, independent of a liberal gratification which +was to follow unknown to me, and taking a receipt in full, very tenderly forced +me to secure it, by guiding my hand, which he had thrust it into, so as to make +me passively put it into my pocket. +</p> + +<p> +Still I continued in a state of stupidity, or melancholic despair, as my +spirits could not yet recover from the violent shocks that they had received; +and the accommodating landlady had actually left the room, and me alone with +this strange gentleman, before I had observed it, and then I observed it +without alarm, for I was now lifeless, and indifferent to every thing. +</p> + +<p> +The gentleman, however, no novice in affairs of this sort, drew near me; and, +under the pretence of comforting me, first with his handkerchief dried my tears +as they ran down my cheeks: presently he ventured to kiss me on my part, +neither resistance nor compliance. I sat stock still; and now looking on myself +as bought by the payment that had been transacted before me. +</p> + +<p> +I did not care what became of my wretched body: and wanting life, spirits, or +courage to oppose the least struggle, even that of the modesty of my sex, I +suffered, tamely, whatever the gentleman pleased; who proceeding insensibly +from freedom to freedom, insinuating his hand between my handkerchief and +bosom, which he handled at discretion: finding thus no repulse, and that every +thing favoured, beyond expectation, the completion of his desires, he took me +in his arms, and bore me, without life or motion, to the bed, on which laying +me gently downed, and having me at what advantage he pleased, I did not so much +as know what he was about, till recovering from a trance of lifeless +insensibility, I found him buried in me, whilst I lay passive and innocent of +the least sensations of pleasure: a death-cold corpse could scarce have less +life or sense in it. As soon as he had thus pacified a passion which had too +little respected the condition I was in, he got off, and after recomposing the +disorder of my clothes, employed himself with the utmost tenderness to calm the +transports of remorse and madness at myself, with which I was seized, too late, +I confess, for having suffered on that bed, the embraces of an utter stranger I +tore my hair, wrung my hands, and beat my breast like a mad woman. But when my +new master, for in that light I then viewed him, applied himself to appease me, +as my whole rage was levelled at myself, no part of which I thought myself +permitted to aim at him, I begged of him with more submission than anger, to +leave me alone, that I might, at least, enjoy my affliction in quiet. This he +positively refused, for fear, as he pretended, I should do myself a mischief. +Violent passions seldom last long, and those of women least of any. A dead +still calm succeeded this storm, which ended in a profuse shower of tears. +</p> + +<p> +Had any one, but a few instants before, told me that I should have ever known +any man but Charles, I would have spit in his face or had I been offered +infinitely a greater sum of money than that I saw paid for me, I had spurned +the proposal in cold blood. But our virtues and our vices depend too much on +our circumstances; unexpectedly beset as I was, betrayed by a mind weakened by +a long severe affliction, and stunned with the terrors of a goal, my defeat +will appear the more excusable, since I certainly was not present at, or a +party in any sense to it. However, as the first enjoyment is decisive, and he +was now over the bar, I thought I had no longer a right to refuse the caresses +of one that had got that advantage over me, no matter how obtained; conforming +myself then to this maxim, I considered myself as so much in his power, that I +endured his kisses and embraces without affecting struggles or anger; not that +he, as yet, gave me any pleasure, or prevailed over the aversion of my soul, to +give myself up to any sensation of that sort; what I suffered, I suffered out +of a kind of gratitude, and as a matter of course what had passed. +</p> + +<p> +He was, however, so regardful as not to attempt the renewal of those +extremities which had thrown me, just before, into such violent agitations; +but, now secure of possession, contented himself with bringing me to temper by +degrees, and waiting at the hand of time for those fruits of generosity and +courtship, which he since often reproached himself with having gathered much +too green, when, yielding to the inability to resist him, and overborne by +desires, he had wreaked his passion on a mere lifeless, spiritless body, dead +to all purpose of joy, since taking none, it ought to be supposed incapable of +giving any. This is, however, certain; my heart never thoroughly forgave him +the manner in which I had fallen to him, although, in point of interest, I had +fallen to him, I had reason to be pleased that he found, in my person, +wherewithal to keep him from leaving me as easily as he had had me. +</p> + +<p> +The evening was, in the mean time, so far advanced, that the maid came in to +lay the cloth for supper, when I understood, with joy, that my landlady, whose +sight was present poison to me, was not to be with us. +</p> + +<p> +Presently a neat and elegant supper was introduced, and a bottle of Burgundy, +with the other necessaries, were set on a dumb-waiter. +</p> + +<p> +The maid quitting the room, the gentleman insisted, with a tender warmth, that +I should sit up in the elbow chair by the fire, and see him eat, if I could not +be prevailed on to eat myself. I obeyed with a heart full or affliction, at the +comparison it made between those delicious <i>tête-à-têtes</i> with my very +dear youth, and this forced situation, this new awkward scene, imposed and +obtruded on me a cruel necessity. +</p> + +<p> +At supper, after a great many arguments used to comfort and reconcile me to my +fate, he told me that his name was H..., brother to the Earl of L.... and that +having, by the suggestions of my landlady, been led to see me, he had found me +perfectly to his taste, and given her a commission to procure me at any rate, +and that at length he had succeeded, as much to his satisfaction as he +passionately wished it might be to mine adding, withal, some flattering +assurances, that I should have no cause to repent my knowledge of him. +</p> + +<p> +I had now got down at least half a partridge, and three or four glasses of +wine, which he compelled me to drink by way of restoring nature, but whether +there was any thing extraordinary put into the wine, or whether there wanted no +more to revive the natural warmth of my constitution, and give fire to the old +train, I began no longer to look with that constraint, not to say disguise, on +Mr. H...., which I had hitherto done but, withal, there was not the least grain +of love mixed with this softening of my sentiments: any other man would have +been just the same to me as Mr. H..., that stood in the same circumstances, and +had done for me, and with me, what he had done. +</p> + +<p> +There are not, on earth at least, eternal griefs; mine were, if not at an end, +at least suspended: my heart, which had been so long overloaded with anguish +and vexation, began to dilate and open to the last gleam of diversion or +amusement. I wept a little, and my tears relieved me; I sighed, and my sighs +seemed to lighten me of a load that oppressed me; my countenance grew, if not +cheerful, at least more composed and free. +</p> + +<p> +Mr. H..., who had watched, perhaps brought on this change, knew too well not to +seize it: he thrust the table imperceptibly from between us, and bringing his +chair to face me, he soon began, after preparing me by all the endearments of +assurance and protestations, to lay hold of my hands, to kiss me, and once more +to make free with my bosom, which, being at full liberty from the disorder of a +loose dishabile, now panted and throbbed, less with indignation than with fear +and bashfulness, at being used so familiarly by still a stranger. But he soon +gave me greater occasion to exclaim, by stooping down and slipping his hands +above my garters; thence he strove to regain the pass, which he had before +found so open, and unguarded; but now he could not unlock the twist of my +thighs; I gently complained, and begged him to let me alone; told him I was not +well. However, he saw there was more form and ceremony in my resistance, than +good earnest; he made his conditions for desisting from pursuing his point, +that I should be put instantly to bed, whilst he gave certain orders to the +landlady, and that he would return in an hour, when he hoped to find me more +reconciled to his passion for me, than I seemed at present. I neither assented +nor denied, but my air and manner of receiving his proposal, gave him to see +that I did not think myself enough my own mistress to refuse it. +</p> + +<p> +Accordingly he went out and left me, when a minute or two after, before I could +recover myself into any composure for thinking, the maid came in with her +mistress’s service, and a small silver orringer of what she called a +bridal posset, and desired me to eat it as I went to bed, which consequently I +did, and felt immediately a heat, a fire run like a hue-and-cry through every +part of my body; I burnt, I glowed, and wanted even little of wishing for any +man. +</p> + +<p> +The maid, as soon as I was lain down, took the candle away, and wishing me a +good night, went out of the room, and shut the door after her. +</p> + +<p> +She had hardly time to get down stairs, before Mr. H.... opened my room door +softly, and came in, now undressed, in his night-gown and cap, with two lighted +wax candles, and bolting the door, gave me, though I expected him, some sort of +alarm. He came a tip-toe to the bed side, and saying with a gentle whisper: +“Pray, my dear, do not be startled... I will be very tender and kind to +you.” He then hurried off his clothes, and leaped into bed, having given +me openings enough, whilst he was stripping, to observe his brawny structure, +strong made limbs, and rough shaggy breast. +</p> + +<p> +The bed shook again when it received this new load. He lay on the outside, +where he kept the candles burning, no doubt for the satisfaction of every +sense, for as soon as he had kissed me, he rolled down the bed clothes, and +seemed transported with the view of all my person at full length, which he +covered with a profusion of kisses, sparing no part of me. Then, being on his +knees between my thighs, he drew up his shirt, and bared all his hairy thighs, +and stiff staring truncheon, red top, and rooted into a thicket of curls, which +covered his belly to the novel, and gave it the air of a flesh brush; and soon +I feel it joining close to mine, when he had drove the nail up to the head, and +left no partition but the intermediate hair on both sides. +</p> + +<p> +I had it now, I felt it now, and, beginning to drive, he soon gave nature such +a powerful summons down to her favourite quarters, that she could no longer +refuse repairing thither; all my animals spirits then rushed mechanically to +that center of attraction, and presently, inly warmed, and stirred as I was +beyond bearing, I lost all restraint, and yielding to the force of the emotion, +gave down, as mere woman, those effusions of pleasure, which, in the strictness +of still faithful love, I could have wished to have kept in. +</p> + +<p> +Yet oh! what an immense difference did I feel between this impression of a +pleasure merely animal, and struck out of the collision of the sexes, by a +passive bodily effect, from that sweet fury, that rage of active delight which +crowns the enjoyments of a mutual love passion, where two hearts, tenderly and +truly united, club to exalt the joy, and give it a spirit and soul that bids +defiance to that end which mere momentary desires generally terminate in, when +they die of a surfeit of satisfaction! +</p> + +<p> +Mr. H..., whom no distinctions of that sort seemed to distract, scarce gave +himself or me breathing time from the last encounter, but, as if he had tasked +himself to prove that the appearances of his vigour were no signs hung out in +vain, in a few minutes he was in a condition for renewing the onset; to which, +preluding with a storm of kisses, he drove the same course as before, with +unbated fervour; and thus, in repeated engagements, kept me constantly in +exercise, till dawn of morning, in all which time he made me fully sensible of +the virtues of his firm texture of limbs, his square shoulders, broad chest, +compact hard muscles, in short a system of manliness, that might pass for no +bad image of our ancient sturdy barons, whose race is now so thoroughly refined +and frittered away into the more delicate and modern built frame of our +pap-nerved softlings, who are as pale, as pretty, and almost as masculine as +their sisters. +</p> + +<p> +Mr. H..., content, however, with having the day break upon his triumph, +resigned me up to the refreshment of a rest we both wanted, and we soon dropped +into a profound sleep. +</p> + +<p> +Though he was some time awake before me, yet he did not offer to disturb a +repose he had given me so much occasion for; but on my first stirring, which +was not till past ten o’clock, I was obliged to endure one more trial of +his manhood. +</p> + +<p> +About eleven, in came Mrs. Jones, with two basins of the richest soup, which +her experience in these matters had moved her to prepare. I pass over the +fulsome compliments, the cant of the decent procuress, with which she saluted +us both; but though my blood rose at the sight of her, I supprest my emotions, +and gave all my concerne to reflections on what would be the consequence of +this new engagement. +</p> + +<p> +But Mr. H..., who penetrated my uneasiness, did not suffer me to languish under +it, and acquainted me, that having taken a solid sincere affection to me, he +would begin by giving me one leading mark of it, in removing me out of a house +which must, for many reasons, be irksome and disagreeable to me, into +convenient lodgings, where he would take all imaginable care of me; and +desiring not to have any explanations with my landlady, or be impatient till he +returned, he dressed and went out, having left me a purse with two and twenty +guineas in it, being all he had about him, as he express it, to keep my pocket +still further supplied. +</p> + +<p> +As soon as he was gone, I felt the usual consequence of the first launch into +vice (for my love attachment to Charles never appeared to me in that light). I +was instantly borne away down the stream without making back to the shore. My +dreadful necessities, my gratitude, and above all, to say the plain truth, the +dissipation and diversion I began to find in this new acquaintance, from the +black corroding thoughts my heart had been a prey to, ever since the absence of +my dear Charles, concurred to stun all my contrary reflections. If I now +thought of my first, my only charmer, it was still with the tenderness and +regret of the fondest love, embittered with the consciousness that I was no +longer worthy of him. I could have begged my bread with him all over the world, +but wretch that I was! I had neither the virtue or courage requisite not to +outlive my separation from him. +</p> + +<p> +Yet, had not my heart been thus preengaged, Mr. H... might probably have been +the sole master of it; but the place was full, and the force of conjectures +alone had made him the possessor of my person; the charms of which had, by the +bye, been his sole object and passion, and were, of course, no foundation for a +love either very delicate or very durable. +</p> + +<p> +He did not return till six in the evening, to take me away to my new lodgings; +and my moveables being soon packed, and conveyed into a hackney coach, it cost +me but little regret to take my leave of a landlady whom I thought I had so +much reason not to be over pleased with; and as for her part, she made no other +difference to my staying or going, but what that of the profit created. +</p> + +<p> +We soon got to the house appointed for me, which was that of a plain tradesman, +who, on the score of interest, was entirely at Mr. H...’s devotion, and +who let him the first floor, very genteelly furnished, for two guineas a week, +of which I was instated mistress, with a maid to attend me. +</p> + +<p> +He stayed with me that evening, and we had a supper from a neighbouring tavern, +after which, and a gay glass or two, the maid put me to bed. Mr. H.... soon +followed, and notwithstanding the fatigues of the preceding night, I found no +quarter nor remission from him: he piquet himself, as he told me, on doing the +honours of my new apartment. +</p> + +<p> +The morning being pretty well advanced, we got to breakfast; and the ice now +broke, my heart, no longer engrossed by love, began to take ease, and to please +itself with such trifles Mr. H....’s liberal liking led him to make his +court to the usual vanity of our sex. Silks, laces: ear rings, pearl necklace, +gold watch, in sort, all the trinkets and articles of dress were lavishly +heaped upon me; the sence of which, if it did not create returns of love, +forced a kind of grateful fondness, something like love: a distinction which it +would be spoiling the pleasure of nine tenths of the keepers in the town to +make, and is, I suppose, the very good reason why so few of them ever do make +it. +</p> + +<p> +I was now established the kept mistress in form, well lodged, with a very +sufficient allowance, and lighted up with all the lustre of dress. +</p> + +<p> +Mr. H.... continued kind and tender to me; yet, with all this, I was far from +happy: for, besides my regrets for my dear youth, which, though often suspended +or diverted, still returned upon me in certain melancholic moments with +redoubled violence, I wanted more society, more dissipation. +</p> + +<p> +As to Mr. H.... he was so much my superior in every sense, that I felt it too +much to the disadvantage of the gratitude I owed him. Thus he gained my esteem, +though he could not raise my taste; I was qualified for no sort of conversation +with him, except one sort, and that is a satisfaction which leaves tiresome +intervals, if not filled up by love, or other amusements. +</p> + +<p> +Mr. H...., so experienced, so learned in the ways of women, numbers of whom had +passed through his hands, doubtless, soon perceived this uneasiness, and, +without approving, or liking me the better for it, had the complaisance to +indulge me. +</p> + +<p> +He made suppers at my lodging, where he brought several companions of his +pleasures, with their mistresses; and by this means I got into a circle of +acquaintance, that soon stripped me of all the remains of bashfulness and +modesty which might be yet left of my country education, and were, to a just +taste, perhaps, the greatest of my charms. +</p> + +<p> +We visited one another in form, and mimicked, as near as we could, all the +miseries, the follies, and impertinencies of the women in quality, in the round +of which they trifle away their time, without it ever entering their little +heads, that on earth there cannot subsist any thing more silly, more flat, more +insipid and worthless, than, generally considered, their system of life is: +they ought to treat the men as their tyrants, indeed! were they to condemn them +to it. +</p> + +<p> +But though, amongst the kept mistresses (and I was now acquainted with a good +many, besides some useful matrons, who live by their connexions with them), I +hardly knew one that did not perfectly detest their keepers, and, of course, +made little or no scruple of any infidelity they could safely accomplish, I had +still no notion of wronging mine: for, besides that no mark of jealousy on his +side started me the hint, or gave me the provocation to play him a trick of +that sort, and that his constant generosity, politeness, and tender attention +to please me, forced a regard to him, that, without affecting my heart, insured +him my fidelity, no object had yet presented that could overcome the habitual +liking I had contracted for him and I was on the eve of obtaining, from the +movements of his own voluntary generosity, a modest provision for life, when an +accident happened which broke all the measures he had resolved upon in my +favour. +</p> + +<p> +I had now lived near seven months with Mr. H.... when one day returning to my +lodgings, from a visit in the neighbourhood, where I used to stay longer, I +found the street door open, and the maid of the house standing at it, talking +with some of her acquaintance, so that I came in without knocking and, as I +passed by, she told me Mr. H.... was above. I slept up stairs into my own +bed-chamber, with no other thought than of pulling off my hat etc., and then to +wait upon him in the dining room, into which my bed-chamber had a door, as is +common enough. Whilst I was untying my hat strings, I fancied I heard my maid +Hannah’s voice and a sort of tustle, which raised my curiosity; I stole +softly to the door, where a knot in the wood had been slipped out, and afforded +a very commanding peep-hole to the scene then in agitation, the actors of which +had been to earnestly employed to hear my opening my own door, from the landing +place of the stairs, into my bedchamber. +</p> + +<p> +The first sight that struck me was Mr. H.... pulling and hauling this coarse +country strammel towards a couch that stood in a corner of the dining-room; to +which the girl made only a sort of awkward holdening resistance, crying out so +loud, that I, who listened at the door, could scarce hear her: “Pray Sir, +don’t.., let me alone... I am not for your turn... You cannot, sure, +demean yourself with such a poor body as I... Lord! Sir, my mistress may come +home... I must not indeed... I will cry out...” All of which did not +hinder her from insensibly suffering herself to be brought to the foot of the +couch, upon which a push of no mighty violence served to give her a very easy +fall, and my gentleman having got up his hands to the strong hold of her +Virtue, she, no doubt, thought it was time to give up the argument, and that +all further defense would be vain: and he, throwing her petticoats over her +face, which was now as red as scarlet, discovered a pair of stout, plump, +substantial thighs, and tolerably white; he mounted them round his haps, and +coming out with his drawn weapon, stuck it in the cloven sport, where he seemed +to find a less difficult entrance than perhaps he had flattered himself with +(for, by the way, this blouse had left her place in the country, for a +bastard), and, indeed, all his motions shewed he was lodged pretty much at +large. After he had done, his Deare gets up, drops her petticoats down, and +smooths her apron and handkerchief. Mr. H.... looked a little silly, and taking +out some money, gave it her, with an air indifferent enough, bidding her be a +good girl, and say nothing. +</p> + +<p> +Had I loved this man, it was not in nature for me to have had patience to see +the whole scene through: I should have broke in and played the jealous princess +with a vengeance. But that was not the case: my pride alone was hurt, my heart +not, and I could easier win upon myself to see how far he would go, till I had +no uncertainty upon my conscience. +</p> + +<p> +The least delicate of all affairs of this sort being now over, I retired softly +into my closet, where I began to consider what I should do. My first scheme +naturally, was to rush in and upbraid them; this, indeed, flattered my present +emotions and vexations, as it would have given immediate vent to them; but, on +second thoughts, not being so clear as to the consequence to be apprehended +from such a step, I began my discovery still a safer season, when dissembly my +discovery till a safer season, when Mr. H.... should have perfected the +settlement he had made overtures to me of, and which I was not to think such a +violent explanation, as I was indeed not equal to the management of, could +possibly forward, and might destroy. On the other hand, the provocation seemed +too gross, too flagrant not to give me some thoughts of revenge; the very start +of which idea restored me to perfect composure; and delighted as I was with the +confused plan of it in my head, I was easily mistress enough of myself to +support the part of ignorance I had prescribed to myself; and as all this +circle of reflections was instantly over, I stole a tip-toe to the passage +door, and opening it with a noise, passed for having that moment come home; and +after a short pause, as if to pull off my things, I opened the door into the +dining room, where I fund the dowdy blowing the fire, and my faithful shepherd +walking about the room, and wistling, as cool and unconcerned as if nothing had +happened. I think, however, he had not much to brag of having out-dissembled +me: for I kept up, nobly, the character of our sex for art, and went up to him +with the same open air of frankness as I had ever received him. He stayed but a +little while, made some excuse for not being able to stay the evening with me, +and went out. +</p> + +<p> +As for the wench, she was now spoiled, at least for my servant; and scarce +eight and forty hours were gone round, before her insolence, on what had passed +betwen Mr. H.... and her, gave me so fair an occasion to turn her away, at a +minute’s warning, that, not to have done it would have been the wonder; +so that he could neither disapprove it nor find in it the least reason to +suspect my original motive. What became of her afterwards, I know not; but +generous as Mr. H.... was, he undoubtedly made her amends: though, I dare +answer, that he kept up no further commerce with her of that sort; as his +stooping to such a coarse morsel, was only a sudden sally of lust, on seeing a +wholesome looking, buxom country wench, and no more strange than hunger, or +even a whimsical appetite’s making a fling meal of neck-beef, for change +of diet. +</p> + +<p> +Had I considered this escapade of Mr. H.... in no more than that light and +contented myself with turning away the wench, I had thought and acted right; +but, flushed as I was with imaginary wrongs, I should have held Mr. H... to +have been cheaply off, if I had not pushed my revenge farther, and repaid him, +as exactly as could for the soul of me, in the same coin. +</p> + +<p> +Nor was this worthy act of justice long delayed: I had it too much at heart. +Mr. H... had, about a fortnight before, taken into his service a tenant’s +son, just come out the country, a very handsome young lad, scarce turned of +nineteen, fresh as a rose, well sharped and clear limbed: in short, a very good +excuse for any woman’s liking, even though revenge had been out of the +question; any woman, I say, who was disprejudiced, and that wit and spirit +enough to prefer a point of pleasure to a point of pride. +</p> + +<p> +Mr. H... had clapped a livery upon him; and his chief employ was, after being +shewn my lodgings, to bring and carry letters or messages between his master +and me; and as the situation of all kept ladies is not the fittest to inspire +respect, even to the meanest of mankind, and, perhaps, less of it from the most +ignorant, I could not help observing that this lad, who was, I suppose, +acquainted with my relation to his master by his fellow servants, used to eye +me in that bashful confused way, more expressive, more moving and readier +caught at by our sex, than any other declarations whatever: my figure had, it +seems, struck him, and modest and innocent as he was, he did not himself know +that the pleasure he took in looking at me was love, or desire; but his eyes, +naturally wanton, and now inflamed with passion, spoke a great deal more than +he durst have imagined they did. Hitherto, indeed, I had only taken notice of +the comeliness of the youth, but without the least design: my pride alone would +have guarded me from a thought that way, had not Mr. H....’s +condescension with my maid, where there was not half the temptation, in point +of person, set me a dangerous example; but now I began to look on this +stripling as every way a delicious instrument of my designed retaliation upon +Mr. H.... of an obligation for which I should have made a conscience to die in +his debt. +</p> + +<p> +In order then to pave the way for the accomplishment of my scheme, for two or +three times that the young fellow came to me with messages, I managed so, or +without affectation to have him admitted to my bed side, or brought to me at my +toilet, where I was dressing; and by carelessly shewing or letting him, as if +without meaning or design, sometimes my bosom rather more bare than it should +be; sometimes my hair, of which I had a very fine head, in the natural flow of +it while combing; sometimes a neat leg, that had unfortunately slipt its +garter, which I made no scruple of tying before him, easily gave him the +impressions favourable to my purpose, which I could perceive to sparkle in his +eyes, and glow in his cheeks: then certain slight squeezes by the hand, as I +took letters from him, did his business completely. +</p> + +<p> +When I saw him thus moved, and fired for my purpose, I inflamed him yet more, +by asking him several leading questions, such as: “Had he a mistress?... +was she prettier than me?... could he love such a one as I was?...” and +the like; to all which the blushing simpleton answered to my wish, in a strain +of perfect nature, perfect undebauched innocence, but with all the awkwardness +and simplicity of country breeding. +</p> + +<p> +When I thought I had sufficiently ripened him for the laudable point I had in +view, one day that I expected him at a particular hour, I took care to have the +coast clear for the reception I designed him; and, as I laid it, he came to the +dining room door, tapped at it, and, in my bidding him come in; he did so, and +shut the door after him. I desired him, then, to bolt it on the inside, +pretending it would not otherwise keep shut. +</p> + +<p> +I was then lying at length upon that very couch, the scene of Mr. H....’s +polite joys, in an undress, which was with all the art of negligence flowing +loose, and in a most tempting disorder: no stays, no hoop..., no incumbrance +whatever. On the other hand, he stood at a little distance, that gave me a full +view of a fine featured, shapely, healthy country lad, breathing the sweets of +fresh blooming youth; his hair, which was of a perfect shining black, played to +his face in natural side curls, and was set out with a smart tuck-up behind; +new buckskin breechs, that, clipping close, shewed the shape of a plump, well +made thigh; white stockings, garter-laced livery, shoulder knot, altogether +composed a figure of pure flesh and blood, and appeared under no disgrace from +the lowness of a dress, to which a certain spruce neatness seems peculiarly +fitted. +</p> + +<p> +I bid him come towards me, and give me his letter, at the same time throwing +down, carelessly, a book I had in my hands. He coloured, and came within reach +of delivering me the letter, which he held out, awkwardly enough, for me to +take, with his eyes rivetted on my bosom, which was, through the designed +disorder of my handkerchief, sufficiently bare, and rather than hid. +</p> + +<p> +I, smiling in his face, took the letter, and immediately catching hold of his +shirt sleeve, drew him towards me, blushing, and almost trembling; for surely +his extreme bashfulness, and utter inexperience called for, at least, all the +advances to encourage him: his body was now conveniently inclined toward me, +and just softly chucking his beardless chin, I asked him: “If he was +afraid of a lady?...” and with that took, and carrying his hands to my +breasts, I press it tenderly to them. They were now finely furnished, and +raised in flesh, so that, panting with desire, they rose and fell, in quick +heaves, under his touch: at this, the boy’s eyes began to lighten with +all the fires of inflamed nature, and his cheeks flushed with a deep scarlet: +tongue-tied with joy, rapture, and bashfulness, he could not speak, but then +his looks, his emotion, sufficiently satisfied me that my train had taken, and +that I had no disappointment to fear. +</p> + +<p> +My lips, which I threw in his way, so that he could not escape kissing them, +fixed, fired, and emboldened him: and now, glancing my eyes towards that part +of his dress which covered the essential object of enjoyment, I plainly +discovered the swell and commotion there; and as I was now too far advanced to +stop in so fair a way, and was indeed no longer able to contain myself, or wait +the slower progress of his maiden bash-fulness (for such it seemed, and really +was), I stole my hands upon his thighs, down one of which I could both see and +feel a stiff hard body, confined by his breeches, that my fingers could +discover no end to. Curious then, and eager to unfold so alarming a mystery, +playing, as it were, with his buttons, which were bursting ripe from the active +force within, those of his waistband and fore-flap flew open at a touch, when +out IT started; and now, disengaged from the shirt, I saw, with wonder and +surprise, what? not the play thing of a boy, not the weapon of a man, but a +Maypole, of so enormous a standard, that had proportions been observed, it must +have belonged to a young giant. Yet I could not, without pleasure, behold, and +even venture to feel, such a length, such a breadth of animated ivory! +perfectly well turned and fashioned, the proud stiffness of which distented its +skin, whose smooth polish and velvet softness might vie with that of the most +delicate of our sex, and whose exquisite whiteness was not a little set off by +a sprout of black curling hair round the root: through the jetty springs of +which the fair skin shewed as in a fine evening you may have remarked the clear +light through the branchwork of distant trees over-topping the summit of a +hill: then the broad of blueish-casted incarnate of the head, and blue +serpentines of its veins, altogether composed the most striking assemblage of +figure and colours in nature. In short, it stood an object of terror and +delight. +</p> + +<p> +But what was yet more surprising, the owner of this natural curiosity, through +the want of occasions in the strictness of his home breeding, and the little +time he had been in town not having afforded him one; was hitherto an absolute +stranger, in practice at least, to the use of all that manhood he was so nobly +stocked with; and it now fell to my lot to stand his first trial of it, if I +could resolve to run the risks of its disproportion to that tender part of me, +which such an oversized machine was very fit to lay in ruins. +</p> + +<p> +But it was now of the latest to deliberate, for, by this time, the young +fellow, over heated with the present objects, and too high metled to be longer +curbed in by that modesty and awe which had hitherto restrained him, ventured, +under the stronger impulse, and instructive promptership of nature alone, to +slip his hands, trembling with eager impetuous desires, under my petticoats; +and seeing, I suppose, nothing extremely severe in my looks, to stop or dash +him, he feels out, and seizes, gently, the center spot of his ardours. Oh then! +the fiery touch of his lingers determines me, and my fears melting away before +the glowing intolerable heat, my thighs disclose of themselves, and yield all +liberty to his hand: and now, a favourable movement giving my petticoats a +toss, the avenue lay too fair, too open to be missed. He is now upon me: I had +placed myself with a jerk under him, as commodious and open as possible to his +attempts, which were untoward enough, for his machine, meeting with no inlet, +bore and battered stiffly against me in random pushes, now above, now below, +now beside his point; till, burning with impatience from its irritating +touches, I guided gently, with my hand, this furious fescue to where my young +novice was now to be taught his first lesson of pleasure. Thus he nicked, at +length, the warm and insufficient orifice; but he was made to find no breach +impracticable, and mine, though so often entered, was still far from wide +enough to take him easily in. +</p> + +<p> +By my direction, however, the head of his unwieldy machine was so critically +pointed, that, feeling him fore-right against the tender opening, a favourable +motion from me met his timely thrust, by which the lips of it, strenuously +dilated, gave way to his thus assisted impetuosity, so that we might both feel +that he had gained a lodgment. Pursuing then his point, he soon, by violent, +and, to me, most painful piercing thrusts, wedges himself at length so far in, +as to be now tolerably secure of his entrance: here he stuck, and I now felt +such a mixture of pleasure and pain, as there is no giving a definition of. I +dreaded alike his splitting me farther up, or his withdrawing; I could not bear +either to keep or part with him. The sense of pain, however, prevailing, from +his prodigious size and stiffness, acting upon me in those continued rapid +thrusts, with which he furiously pursued his penetration, made me cry out +gently: “Oh, my dear, you hurt me!” This was enough to check the +tender respectful boy even in his mid-career; and he immediately drew out the +sweet cause of my complaint, whilst his eyes eloquently expressed, at once, his +grief for hurting me, and his reluctance at dislodging from quarters, of which +the warmth and closeness had given him a gust of pleasure, that he was now +desire mad to satisfy, and yet too much a novice not to be afraid of my +withholding his relief, on account of the pain he had put me to. +</p> + +<p> +But I was, myself, far from being pleased with his having too much regarded my +tender exclaims; for now, more fired with the object before me, as it still +stood with the fiercest erection, unbonneted, and displayed its broad vermilion +head, I first gave the youth a re-encouraging kiss, which he repaid me with a +fervour that seemed at once to thank me, and bribe my further compliance; and +soon replaced myself in a posture to receive, at all risk, the renewed +invasion, which he did not delay an instant: for, being presently remounted, I +once more felt the smooth hard gristle forcing an entrance, which he achieved +rather easier than before. Pained, however, as I was, with his efforts of +gaining a complete admission, which he was so regardful as to manage by gentle +degrees, I took care not to complain. In the mean time, the soft strait passage +gradually loosens, yields, and, stretched to its utmost bearing, by the stick, +thick, indriven engine, sensible, at once, to the ravishing pleasure of the +feel and the pain of the distension, let him in about half way, when all the +most nervous activity he now exerted, to further his penetration, gained him +not an inch of his purpose: for, whilst he hesitated there, the crisis of +pleasure overtook him, and the close compressure of the warm surrounding flow +drew from him the ecstatic gush, even before mine was ready to meet it, kept up +by the pain I had endured in the course of the engagement, from the +insufferable size of his weapon, though it was not as yet in above half its +length. +</p> + +<p> +I expected then, but without wishing it, that he would draw, but was pleasingly +disappointed: for he was not to be let off so. The well breathed youth, +hot-mettled, and flush with genial juices, was now fairly in for making me know +my driver. As soon, then, as he had made a short pause, waking, as it were, out +of the trance of pleasure (in which every sense seemed lost for a while, +whilst, with his eyes shut, and short quick breathings, he had yielded down his +maiden tribute), he still kept his post, yet unsated with enjoyment, and +solacing in these so new delights; till his stiffness, which had scarce +perceptibly remitted, being thoroughly recovered to him, who had not once +unsheathed, he proceeded afresh to cleave and open to himself an entire entry +into me, which was not a little made easy to him by the balsamic injection, +with: which he had just plentifully moistened the whole internals of the +passage. Redoubling, then, the active energy of his thrusts, favoured by the +fervid appetency of my motions, the soft oiled wards can no longer stand so +effectual a picklock, but yield, and open him an entrance. And now, with +conspiring nature, and my industry, strong to aid him, he pierces, penetrates, +and at length, winning his way inch by inch, gets entirely in, and finally, a +home made thrust sheaths it up to the guard; on the information of which, from +the close jointure of our bodies (insomuch that the hair on both sides +perfectly interweaved and incircled together), the eyes of the transported +youth sparkled with more joyous fires, and all his looks and motions +acknowledged excess of pleasure, which I now began to share, for I felt him in +my very vitals! I was quite sick with delight! stirred beyond bearing with its +furious agitations within me, and gorged and crammed, even to a surfeit. Thus I +lay gasping, panting under him, till his broken breathings, faultering accents, +eyes twinkling with humid fires, lunges more furious, and an increased +stiffness, gave me to hail the approaches of the second period: it came... and +the sweet youth, overpowered with the ecstasy, died away in my arms, melting a +flood that shot in genial warmth into the innermost recesses of my body; every +conduit of which, dedicated to that pleasure, was on flow to mix with it. Thus +we continued for some instants, lost, breathless, senseless of every thing, and +in every part but those favourite ones of nature, in which all that we enjoyed +of life and sensation was now totally concentered. +</p> + +<p> +When our mutual trance was a little over, and the young fellow had withdrawn +that delicious stretcher, with which he had most plentifully drowned all +thoughts of revenge, in the sense of actual pleasure, the widened wounded +passage refunded a stream of pearly liquids, which flowed down my thighs, mixed +with streaks of blood, the marks of the ravage of that monstrous machine of +his, which had now triumphed over a kind of second maidenhead. I stole, +however, my handkerchief to those parts, and wiped them as dry as I could, +whilst he was re-adjusting and buttoning up. +</p> + +<p> +I made him sit down by me, and as he had gathered courage from such extreme +intimacy, he gave me an aftercourse of pleasure, in a natural burst of tender +gratitude and joy, at the new scenes of bliss I had opened to him: scenes +positively new, as he had never before had the least acquaintance with that +mysterious mark, the cloven stamp of female distinction, though nobody better +qualified than he to penetrate into its deepest recesses, or do it nobler +justice. But when, by certain motions, certain unquietness of his hands, that +wandered not without design, I found he languished for satisfying a curiosity, +natural enough, to view and handle those parts which attract and concenter the +warmest force of imagination, charmed, as I was, to have any occasion of +obliging and humouring his young desires, I suffered him to proceed as he +pleased, without check or control, to the satisfaction of them. +</p> + +<p> +Easily, then, reading in my eyes the full permission of myself to all his +wishes, he scarce pleased himself more than me; when, having insinuated his +hand under my petticoat and shift, he presently removed those bars to the +sight, by slily lifting them upwards, under favour of a thousand kisses, which +he thought, perhaps, necessary to divert my attention from what he was about. +All my drapery being now rolled up to my waist, I threw myself into such a +posture upon the couch, as gave up to him, in full view, the whole region of +delight, and all the luxurious landscape around it. The transported youth +devoured every thing with his eyes, and tried, with his fingers, to lay more +open to his sight the secrets of that dark and delicious deep: he opens the +folding lips, the softness of which, yielding entry to any thing of a hard +body, close round it, and oppose the sight; and feeling further, meets with, +and wonder at, a soft fleshy excrescence, which, limber and relaxed after the +late enjoyment, now grew, under the touch and examination of his fiery fingers, +more and more stiff and considerable, till the titillating ardours of that so +sensible part made me sigh, as if he had hurt me; on which he withdrew his +curious probing fingers, asking me pardon, as it were, in a kiss that rather +increased the flame there. +</p> + +<p> +Novelty ever makes the strongest impressions, and in pleasures, especially; no +wonder then, that he was swallowed up in raptures of admiration of things so +interesting by their nature, and now seen and handled for the first time. On my +part, I was richly overpaid for the pleasure I gave him, in that of examining +the power of those objects thus abandoned to him, naked and free to his loosest +wish, over the artless, natural stripling: his eyes streaming fire, his cheeks +glowing with a florid red, his fervid frequent sighs, whilst his hands +convulsively squeezed, opened, pressed together again the lips and sides of +that deep flesh wound, or gently twitched the over-growing moss; and all +proclaimed the excess, the riot of joys, in having his wantonness thus +humoured. But he did not long abuse my patience, for the objects before him had +now put him by all his, and, coming out with that formidable machine of his, he +lets the fury loose, and pointing it directly to the pouting-lip mouth, that +bid him sweet defiance in dumb shew, squeezes in his head, and, driving with +refreshed rage, breaks in, and plugs up the whole passage of that soft +pleasure-conduit pipe, where he makes all shake again, and put, once more, all +within me into such an uproar, as nothing could still, but a fresh inundation +from the very engine of those flames, as well as from all the springs with +which nature floats that reservoir of joy, when risen to its floodmark. +</p> + +<p> +I was now so bruised, so battered, so spent with this overmatch, that I could +hardly stir, or raise myself, but lay palpitating, till the ferment of my +senses subsiding by degrees, and the hour striking at which I was obliged to +dispatch my young man, I tenderly advised him of the necessity there was for +parting; at which I felt so much displeasure as he could do, who seemed eagerly +disposed to keep the field, and to enter on a fresh action. But the danger was +too great, and after some hearty kisses of leave, and recommendations of +secrecy and discretion, I forced myself to send him away, not without +assurances of seeing him again, to the same purpose, as soon as possible, and +thrust a guinea into his hands: not more, less, being too flush of money, a +suspicion or discovery might arise from thence; having everything to fear from +the dangerous indiscretion of that age in which young fellows would be too +irresistible, too charming, if we had not that terrible fault to guard against. +</p> + +<p> +Giddy and intoxicated as I was with such satiating draughts of pleasure, I +still lay on the couch, supinely stretched out, in a delicious languor diffused +over all my limbs, hugging myself for being thus revenged to my heart’s +content, and that in a manner so precisely alike, and on the identical spot in +which I had received the supposed injury. No reflections on the consequences +ever once perplexed me, nor did I make myself one single reproach for having, +by this step, completely entered myself into a profession more decried than +disused. I should have held it ingratitude to the pleasure I had received, to +have repented of it; and since I was now over the bar, I thought, by plunging +head and ears into the stream I was hurried away by, to drown all sense of +shame or reflection. +</p> + +<p> +Whilst I was thus making these laudable dispositions, and whispering to myself +a kind of tacit vow of incontinency, enters Mr. H... The consciousness of what +I had been doing deepened yet the glowing of my cheeks, flushed with the warmth +of the late action, which, joined to the piquant air of my dishabile, drew from +Mr. H.... a compliment on my looks, which he was proceeding to bask the +sincerity of with proofs, and that with so brisk an action, as made me tremble +for fear of a discovery from the condition those parts were left in from their +late severe handling: the orifice dilated and inflamed, the lips swollen with +their uncommon distension, the ringlets pressed down, crushed and uncurled with +the over flowing moisture that had wet everything round it; in short, the +different feel and state of things would hardly have passed upon one of Mr. +H.....’s nicety and experience unaccounted for but by the real cause. But +here the woman saved me: I pretended a violent disorder of my head, and a +feverish heat, that indisposed me too much to receive his embraces. He gave in +to this, and good naturedly desisted. Soon after, an old lady coming in made a +third, very apropos for the confusion I was in, and Mr. H...., after bidding me +take care of myself, and recommending me to my repose, left me much at ease and +relieved by his absence. +</p> + +<p> +In the close of the evening, I took care to have prepared for me a warm bath of +aromatik and sweet herbs; in which having fully laved and solaced myself, I +came out voluptuously refreshed in body and spirit. +</p> + +<p> +The next morning waking pretty early, after a night’s perfect rest and +composure, it was not without some dread and uneasiness that I thought of what +innovation that tender soft system of mine might have sustained, from the shock +of a machine so sized for its destruction. +</p> + +<p> +Struck with this apprehension, I scarce dared to carry my hand thither, to +inform myself of the state and posture of things. +</p> + +<p> +But I was soon agreeably cured of my fears. +</p> + +<p> +The silky hair that covered round the borders, now smoothed and re-pruned, had +resumed its wonted curl and trimness; the fleshy pouting lips that had stood +the brunt of the engagement, were no longer swollen or moisture-drenched; and +neither they, nor the passage into which they opened, that had suffered so +great a dilation, betrayed any the least alteration, outwardly or inwardly, to +the most curious research, notwithstanding the laxity that naturally follows +the warm bath. +</p> + +<p> +This continuation of that grateful stricture which is in us, to the men, the +very jet of their pleasure, I owed, it seems, to a happy habit of body, juicy, +plump and furnished, towards the texture of those parts, with a fullness of +soft springy flesh, that yielding sufficiently, as it does, to almost any +distension soon recovers itself so as to re-tighten that strict compression of +its mantlings and folds, which form the sides of the passage, wherewith it so +tenderly embraces and closely clips any foreign body introduced into it, such +as my exploring finger then was. +</p> + +<p> +Finding then every thing in due tone and order, I remember my fears, only to +make a jest of them to myself. And now, palpably mistress of any size of man, +and triumphing in my double achievement of pleasure and revenge, I abandoned +myself entirely to the ideas of all the delight I had swam in. I lay stretching +out, glowingly alive all over, and tossing with burning impatience for the +renewal of joys that had sinned but in a sweet excess; nor did I lose my +longing, for about ten in the morning, according to expectation, Will, my new +humble sweetheart, came with a message from his master, Mr. H...., to know how +I did. I had taken care to send my maid on an errand into the city, that I was +sure would take up time enough; and, from the people of the house, I had +nothing to fear, as they were plain good sort of folks, and wise enough to mind +no more other people’s business than they could well help. +</p> + +<p> +All dispositions then made, not forgetting that of lying in bed to receive him, +when he was entered the door of my bed chamber, a latch, that I governed by a +wire, descended and secured it. +</p> + +<p> +I could not but observe that my young minion was as much spruced out as could +be expected from one in his condition: a desire of pleasing that could not be +indifferent to me, since it proved that I pleased him; which, I assure you, was +now a point I was not above having in view. +</p> + +<p> +His hair trimly dressed, clean linen, and, above all, a hale, ruddy, wholesome +country look, made him out as pretty a piece of woman’s meat as you could +see, and I should have thought any one much out of taste, that could not have +made a hearty meal of such a morsel as nature seemed to have designed for the +highest diet of pleasure. +</p> + +<p> +And why should I here suppress the delight I received from this amiable +creature, in remarking each artless look, each motion of pure indissembled +nature, betrayed by his wanton eyes; or shewing, transparently, the glow and +suffusion of blood through his fresh, clear skin, whilst even his stury rustic +pressure wanted not their peculiar charm? Oh! but, say you, this was a young +fellow of too low a rank of life to deserve so great a display. May be so: but +was my condition, strictly considered, one jot more exalted? or, had I really +been much above him, did not his capacity of giving such exquisite pleasure +sufficiently raise and enoble him, to me, at least? Let who would, for me +cherish, respect, and reward the painter’s, the statuary’s, the +musician’s art, in proportion to the delight taken in them: but at my +age, and with my taste for pleasure, a taste strongly constitutional to me, the +talent of pleasing, with which nature has endowed a handsome person, formed to +me the greatest of all merits; compared to which, the vulgar prejudices in +favour of titles, dignities, honours, and the like, held a very low rank +indeed. Nor perhaps would the beauties of the body be so much affected to be +held cheap, were they, in their nature, to be bought and delivered. But for me, +whose natural philosophy all resided in the favourite center of sense, and who +was ruled by its powerful instinct in taking pleasure by its right handle, I +could scarce have made a choice more to my purpose. +</p> + +<p> +Mr. H....’s loftier qualifications of birth, fortune and sense, laid me +under a sort of subjection and constraint, that were far from making harmony in +the concert of love; nor had he, perhaps, thought me worth softening that +superiority to; but, with this lad, I was more on the level which love delights +in. +</p> + +<p> +We may say what we please, but those we can be the easiest and freest with, are +ever those we like, not to say love the best. +</p> + +<p> +With this stripling, all whose art of love was the action of it, I could, +without check of awe or restraint, give a loose to jay, and execute every +scheme of dalliance my fond fancy might put me on, in which he was, in every +sense, a most exquisite companion. And now my great pleasure lay in humouring +all the petulances, all the wanton frolic of a raw novice just fledged, and +keen on the burning scent of his game, but unbroken to the sport: and, to carry +on the figure, who could better read the wood than he, or stand fairer for the +heart of the hunt? +</p> + +<p> +He advanced then to my bed side, and whilst he faultered out his message, I +could observe his colour rise, and his eyes lighten with joy, in seeing me in a +situation as favourable to his loosest wishes, as if he had bespoke the play. +</p> + +<p> +I smiled, and put out my hand towards him, which he kneeled down to (a +politeness taught him by love alone, that great master of it) and greedily +kissed. After exchanging a few confused questions and answers, I asked him if +he would come to bed to me, for the little time I could venture to detain him. +This was just asking a person, dying with hunger, to feast upon the dish on +earth the most to his palate. Accordingly, without further reflection, his +clothes were off in an instant; when, blushing still more at this new liberty, +he got under the bed clothes I held up to receive him, and was now in bed with +a woman for the first time in his life. +</p> + +<p> +Here began the usual tender preliminaries, as delicious, perhaps, as the +crowning act of enjoyment itself; which they often beget an impatience of, that +makes pleasure destructive of itself, by hurrying on the final period, and +closing that scene of bliss, in which the actors are generally too well pleased +with their parts, not to wish them an eternity of duration. +</p> + +<p> +When we had sufficiently graduated our advances towards the main point, by +toying, kissing, clipping, feeling my breasts, now round and plump, feeling +that part of me I might call a furnace mouth, from the prodigious intense heat +his fiery touches had rekindled there, my young sportsman, emboldened by the +very freedom he could wish, wontonly takes my hand, and carries it to that +enormous machine of his, that stood with a stiffness! a hardness! an upward +bend of erection! and which, together with it bottom dependence, the +inestimable bulse of ladies jewels, formed a grand showout of goods indeed! +Then its dimensions, mocking either grasp or span, almost renewed my terrors. +</p> + +<p> +I could not conceive how, or by what means I could take, or put such a bulk out +of sight. I stroked it gently, on which the mutinous rogue seemed to swell, and +gather a new degree of fierceness and insolence; so that finding it grew not to +be trifled with any longer, I prepared for rubbers in good earnest. +</p> + +<p> +Slipping then a pillow under me, that I might give him the fairest play, I +guided officiously with my hand this furious battering ram, whose ruby head, +presenting nearest the resemblance of a heart, I applied to its proper mark, +which lay as finely elevated as we could wish; my hips being borne up, and my +thighs at their utmost extension, the gleamy warmth that shot from it, made him +feel that he was at the mouth of the indraught, and driving fore right, the +powerfully divided lips of that pleasure-thirsty channel received him. He +hesitated a little; then, settled well in the passage, he makes his way up the +straights of it, with a difficulty nothing more than pleasing, widening as he +went so as to distend and smooth each soft furrow: our pleasure increasing +deliciously, in proportion to our points of mutual touch increased in that so +vital part of me which I had now taken him, all indriven, and completely +sheathed; and which, crammed as it was, stretched splitting ripe, gave it so +gratefully straight an accommodation! so strict a fold! a suction so fierce! +that gave and took unutterable delight. We had now reached the closest point of +union; but when he beckened to come on the fiercer, as if I had ben actuated by +a fear of losing him, in the height of my fury, I twist my legs round his naked +loins, the flesh of which, so firm, so springy to the touch, quivered again +under the pressure; and now I had him every way encircled and begirt; and +having drawn him home to me, I kept him fast there, as if I had sought to unite +bodies with him at that point. This bred a pause of action, a pleasure stop, +whilst that delicate glutton, my nether mouth, as full as it could hold, kept +palating, with exquisite relish, the morsel that so deliciously ingorged it. +But nature could not long endure a pleasure that it so highly provoked without +satisfying it: pursuing then its darling end, the battery recommenced with +redoubled exertion; nor lay I inactive on my side, but encountering him with +all the impetuosity of motion I was mistress of, the downy cloth of our meeting +mount was now of real use to break the violence of the tilt; and soon, indeed! +the highwrought agitation, the sweet urgency of this to-and-fro friction, +raised the titillation on me to its height; so that finding myself on the point +of going, and loath to leave the tender partner of my joys behind me, I +employed all the forwarding motions and arts my experience suggested to me, to +promote his keeping me company to our journey’s end. I not only then +tightened the pleasure-girth round my restless inmate, by a secret spring of +friction and compression that obeys the will in those parts, but stole my hand +softly to that store bag of nature’s prime sweets, which is so pleasingly +attached to its conduit pipe, from which we receive them; there feeling, and +most gently indeed, squeezing those tender globular reservoirs, the magic touch +took instant effect, quickened, and brought on upon the spur the symptoms of +that sweet agony, the melting moment of dissolution, when pleasure dies by +pleasure, and the mysterious engine of it overcomes the titillation it has +raised in those parts, by plying them with the stream of a warm liquid, that in +itself the highest of all titillations, and which they thirstily express and +draw in like the hot natured leach, which, to cool itself, tenaciously extracts +all the moisture within its sphere of execution. Chiming then to me, with +exquisite consent, as I melted away, his oily balsamic injection, mixing +deliciously with the sluices in flow from me, sheathed and blunted all the +stings of pleasure, whilst a voluptuous languor possest, and still maintained +us motionless, and fast locked in one another’s arms. Alas! that these +delights should be no longer-lived; for now the point of pleasure, unedged by +enjoyment, and all the brisk sensations flattened upon us, resigned us up to +the cool cares of insipid life. Disengaging myself then from his embrace, I +made him sensible of the reasons there were for his present leaving me; on +which, though reluctantly, he put on his clothes, with as little expedition, +however, as he could help, wantonly interrupting himself, between whiles, with +kisses, touches and embraces I could not refuse myself to. Yet he happily +returned to his master before he was missed; but, at taking leave, I forced him +(for he had sentiments enough to refuse it) to receive money enough to buy a +silver watch, that great article of subaltern finery, which he at length +accepted of, as a remembrance he was carefully to preserve of my affections. +</p> + +<p> +And here, Madam, I ought, perhaps, to make you an apology for this minute +detail of things, that dwelt so strongly upon my memory, after so deep an +impression; but, besides that this intrigue bred one great revolution in my +life, which historical truth requires I should not sink from you, may I not +presume that so exalted a pleasure ought not to be ungratefully forgotten, or +suppressed by me, because I found it in a character in low life; where, by the +by, it is oftener met with, purer, and more unsophisticated, than among the +false, ridiculous refinements with which the great suffer themselves to be so +grossly cheated by their pride: the great! than whom, there exist few amongst +those they call the vulgar, who are more ignorant of, or who cultivate less, +the art of living than they do; they, I say, who for ever mistake things the +most foreign to the nature of pleasure itself; whose capital favourite object +is enjoyment of beauty, wherever that rare invaluable gift is found, without +distinction of birth, or station. +</p> + +<p> +As love never had, so now revenge had no longer any share in my commerce in +this handsome youth. The sole pleasures of enjoyment were now the link I held +to him by: for though nature had done such great maters for him in his outward +form, and especially in that superb piece of furniture she had so liberally +enriched him with; though he was thus qualified to give the senses their +richest feast, still there was something more wanting to create in me, and +constitute the passion of love. Yet Will had very good qualities too: gentle, +tractable, and, above all, grateful; silentious, even to a fault: he spoke, at +any time, very little, but made it up emphatically with action; and, to do him +justice, he never gave me the least reason to complain, either of any tendency +to encroach upon me for the liberties I allowed him, or of his indiscretion in +blabbing them. There is, then, a fatality in love, or have loved him I must; +for he was really a treasure, a bit for the Bonne Bouche of a duchess; and, to +say the truth, my liking for him was so extreme, that it was distinguishing +very nicely to deny that I loved him. +</p> + +<p> +My happiness, however, with him did not last long, but found an end from my own +imprudent neglect. After having taken even superfluous precautions against a +discovery, our success in repeated meetings emboldened me to omit the barely +necessary ones. About a month after our first intercourse, one fatal morning +(the season Mr. H.... rarely or never visited me in) I was in my closet, where +my toilet stood, in nothing but my shift, a bed gown and under petticoat. Will +was with me, and both ever too well disposed to baulk an opportunity. For my +part, a whim, a wanton toy had just taken me, and I had challenged my man to +execute it on the spot, who hesitated not to comply with my humour: I was set +in the arm chair, my shift and petticoat up, my thighs wide spread and mounted +over the arms of the chair, presenting the fairest mark to Will’s drawn +weapon, which he stood in act to plunge into me, when, having neglected to +secure the chamber door, and that of the closet standing a-jar, Mr. H.... stole +in upon us, before either of us was aware, and saw us precisely in these +convicting attitudes. +</p> + +<p> +I gave a great scream, and dropped my petticoat: the thunder-struck lad stood +trembling and pale, waiting his sentence of death. Mr. H.... looked sometimes +at one, sometimes at the other, with a mixture of indignation and scorn; and, +without saying a word, spun upon his heel and went out. +</p> + +<p> +As confused as I was, I heard him very distinctly turn the key, and lock the +chamber door upon us, so that there was no escape but through the dining room, +where he himself was walking about with distempered strides, stamping in a +great chafe, and doubtless debating what he would do with us. +</p> + +<p> +In the mean time, poor William was frightened out of his senses, and, as much +need as I had of spirits myself, I was obliged to employ them all to keep his a +little up. The misfortune I had now brought upon him, endeared him the more to +me, and I could have joyfully suffered any punishment he had not shared in. I +watered, plentifully, with my tears, the face of the frightened youth, who sat, +not having strength to stand, as cold and as lifeless as a statue. +</p> + +<p> +Presently Mr. H.... comes in to us again, and made us go before him into the +dining room, trembling and dreading the issue, Mr. H.....sat down on a chair +whilst we stood like criminals under examination; and, beginning with me, asked +me, with an even firm tone of voice, neither soft nor severe, but cruelly +indifferent, what I could say for myself, for having abused him in so unworthy +a manner, with his own servant too, and how he had deserved this of me? +</p> + +<p> +Without adding to the guilt of my infidelity, that of an audacious defence of +it, in the old style of a common kept miss, my answer was modest, and often +interrupted by my tears, in substance as follows: “That I never had a +single thought of wronging him” (which was true), “till I had seen +him taking the last liberties with my servant wench” (here he coloured +prodigiously), “and that my resentment at that, which I was over-awed +from giving vent to by complaints, or explanations with him, had driven me to a +course that I did not pretend to justify; but that as to the young man, he was +entirely faultless; for that, in the view of making him the instrument of my +revenge, I had down right seduced him to what he had done; and therefore hoped, +whatever he determined about me, he would distinguish between the guilty and +the innocent; and that; for the rest, I was entirely at his mercy.” +</p> + +<p> +Mr. H.... on hearing what I said, hung his head a little; but instantly +recovering himself, he said to me, as near as I can retain, to the following +purpose: +</p> + +<p> +“Madam, I owe shame to myself, and confess you have fairly turned the +tables upon me. It is not with one of your cast of breeding and sentiments, +that I allow you so much reason on your side, as great difference of the +provocations: be it sufficient that I should enter into a discussion of the +very to have changed my resolution, in consideration of what you reproach me +with; and I own, too, that your clearing that rascal there, is fair and honest +in you. Renew with you I cannot: the affront is too gross. I give you a +week’s warning to get out of these lodgings; whatever I have given you, +remains to you; and as I never intend to see you more, the landlord will pay +you fifty pieces on my account, with which, and every debt paid, I hope you +will own I do not leave you in a worse condition than what I took you up in, or +that you deserve of me. Blame yourself only that it is no better.” +</p> + +<p> +Then, without giving me time to reply, he addressed himself to the young +fellow: +</p> + +<p> +“For you, spark, I shall, for your father’s sake, take care of you: +the town is no place for such an easy fool as thou art; and to-morrow you shall +set out, under the charge of one of my men, well recommended, in my name, to +your father, not to let you return and be spoil’d here.” +</p> + +<p> +At these words he went out, after my vainly attempting to stop him, by throwing +myself at his feet. He shook me off, though he seemed greatly moved too, and +took Will away with him, who, I dare swear, thought himself very cheaply off. +</p> + +<p> +I was now once more a-drift, and left upon my own hands, by a gentleman whom I +certainly did not deserve. And all the letters, arts, friends, entreaties that +I employed within the week of grace in my lodging, could never win on him so +much as to see me again. He had irrevocably pronounced my doom, and submission +to it was my only part. Soon after he married a lady of birth and fortune, to +whom, I have heard he proved an irreproachable husband. +</p> + +<p> +As for poor Will, he was immediately sent down to the country to his father, +who was an easy farmer, where he was not four months before an +inn-keepers’ buxom young widow, with a very good stock, both in money and +trade, fancied, and perhaps pre-acquainted with his secret excellencies, +married him: and I am sure there was, at least, one good foundation for their +living happily together. +</p> + +<p> +Though I should have been charmed to see him before he went, such measures were +taken, by Mr. H....’s orders, that it was impossible; otherwise I should +certainly have endeavoured to detain him in town, and would have spared neither +offers nor expense to have procured myself the satisfaction of keeping him with +me. He had such powerful holds upon my inclinations as were not easily to be +shaken off, or replaced; as to my heart, it was quite out of the question: +glad, however, I was from my soul, that nothing worse, and as things turned +out, nothing better could have happened to him. +</p> + +<p> +As to Mr. H..., though views of conveniency made me, at first, exert myself to +regain his affection, I was giddy and thoughtless enough to be much easier +reconciled to my failure than I ought to have been; but as I never had loved +him, and his leaving me gave me a sort of liberty that I had often longed for, +I was soon comforted; and flattering myself, that the stock of youth and beauty +I was going to trade with, could hardly fail of procuring me a maintenance, I +saw myself under the necessity of trying my fortune with them, rather, with +pleasure and gaiety, than with the least idea of despondency. +</p> + +<p> +In the mean time, several of my acquaintances among the sisterhood, who had +soon got wind of my misfortune, flocked to insult me with their malicious +consolations. Most of them had long envied me the affluence and splendour I had +been maintained in; and though there was scarce one of them that did not at +least deserve to be in my case, and would probably, sooner or later, come to +it, it was equally easy to remark, even in their affected pity, their secret +pleasure at seeing me thus discarded, and their secret grief that it was no +worse with me. Unaccountable malice of the human heart! and which is not +confined to the class of life they were of. +</p> + +<p> +But as the time approached for me to come to some resolution how to dispose of +myself, and I was considering, round where to shift my quarters to, Mrs. Cole, +a middle aged discreet sort of woman, who had been brought into my acquaintance +by one of the misses that visited me, upon learning my situation, came to offer +her cordial advice and service to me; and as I had always taken to her more +than to any of my female acquaintances, I listened the easier to her proposals. +And, as it happened, I could not have put myself into worse, or into better +hands in all London: into worse, because keeping a house of conveniency, there +were no lengths in lewdness she would not advise me to go, in compliance with +her customers; no schemes, or pleasure, or even unbounded debauchery, she did +not take even a delight in promoting: into a better, because nobody having had +more experience of the wicked part of the town than she had, was fitter to +advise and guard one against the worst dangers of our profession; and what was +rare to be met with in those of her’s, she contented herself with a +moderate living profit upon her industry and good offices, and had nothing of +their greedy rapacious turn. She was really too a gentlewoman born and bred, +but through a train of accidents reduced to this course, which she pursued, +partly through necessity, partly through choice, as never woman delighted more +in encouraging a brisk circulation of the trade, for the sake of the trade +itself, or better understood all the mysteries and refinements of it, than she +did; so that she was consummately at the top of her profession, and dealt only +with customers of distinction: to answer the demands of whom she kept a +competent number of her daughters in constant recruit (so she called those whom +their youth and personal charms recommended to her adoption and management: +several of whom, by her means, and through her tuition and instructions, +succeeded very well in the world). +</p> + +<p> +This useful gentlewoman upon whose protection I now threw myself, having her +reasons of state, respecting Mr. H...., for not appearing too much in the thing +herself, sent a friend of her’s, on the day appointed for my removal, to +conduct me to my new lodgings at a brush-maker’s in E—— +street, Covent Garden, the very next door to her own house, where she had no +conveniences to lodge me herself: lodgings that, by having been for several +successions tenanted by ladies of pleasures, the landlord of them was +familiarized to their ways; and provided the rent was paid, every thing else +was as easy and commodious as one could desire. +</p> + +<p> +The fifty guineas promised me by Mr. H...., at his parting with me, having been +duly paid me, all my clothes and moveables chested up, which were at least of +two hundred pounds value, I had them conveyed into a coach, where I soon +followed them, after taking a civil leave of the landlord and his family, with +whom I had never lived in a degree of familiarity enough to regret the removal; +but still, the very circumstance of its being a removal, drew tears from me. I +left, too, a letter of thanks for Mr. H...., from whom I concluded myself, as I +really was, irretrievably separated. +</p> + +<p> +My maid I had discharged the day before, not only because I had her of Mr. +H...., but that I suspected her of having some how or other been the occasion +of his discovering me, in revenge, perhaps, for my not having trusted her with +him. +</p> + +<p> +We soon got to my lodgings, which, though not so handsomely furnished, nor so +showy as those I left, were to the full as convenient, and at half price, +though on the first floor. My trunks were safely landed, and stowed in my +apartments, where my neighbour, and now gouvernante, Mrs. Cole, was ready with +my landlord to receive me, to whom she took care to set me out in the most +favourable light, that of one from whom there was the clearest reason to expect +the regular payment of his rent: all the cardinal virtues attributed to me, +would not have had half the weight of that recommendation alone. +</p> + +<p> +I was now settled in lodgings of my own, abandoned to my own conduct, and +turned loose upon the town, to sink or swim, as I could manage with the current +of it; and what were the consequences, together with the number of adventures +which befell me in the exercise of my new profession, will compose the mater of +another letter: for surely it is high time to put a period! to this. +</p> + +<p> +I am, +</p> + +<p> +MADAM, +</p> + +<p> +Yours, etc., etc., etc. +</p> + +<h5>THE END OF THE FIRST LETTER</h5> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h3><a name="chap02"></a>LETTER THE SECOND</h3> + +<h4>Madam,</h4> + +<p> +If I have delayed the sequel of my history, it has been purely to allow myself +a little breathing time not without some hopes, that, instead of pressing me to +a continuation, you would have acquitted me of the task of pursuing a +confession, in the course of which my self-esteem has so many wounds to sustain. +</p> + +<p> +I imagined, indeed, that you would have been cloyed and tired with uniformity +of adventures and expressions, inseparable from a subject of this sort, whose +bottom, or groundwork being, in the nature of things eternally one and the +same, whatever variety of forms and modes the situations are susceptible of, +there is no escaping a repetition of near the same images, the same figures, +the same expressions, with this further inconvenience added to the disgust it +creates, that the words Joys, Ardours, Transports, Extasies and the rest of +those pathetic terms so congenial to, so received in the Practice of Pleasure, +flatten and lose much of their due spirit and energy by the frequency they +indispensably recur with, in a narrative of which that Practice professedly +composes the whole basis. I must therefore trust to the candour of your +judgment, for your allowing for the disadvantage I am necessarily under in that +respect; and to your imagination and sensibility, the pleasing taks of +repairing it, by their supplements, where my descriptions flag or fail: the one +will readily place the pictures I present before your eyes; the other give life +to the colours where they are dull, or worn with too frequent handling. +</p> + +<p> +What you say besides, by way of encouragement concerning the extreme difficulty +of continuing so long in one strain, in a mean tempered with taste, between the +revoltingness of gross, rank and vulgar expressions, and the ridicule of +mincing metaphors and affected circumlocutions, is so sensible, as well as +good-natured, that you greatly justify me to myself for my compliance with a +curiosity that is to be satisfied so extremely at my expense. +</p> + +<p> +Resuming now where I broke off in my last, I am in my way to remark to you, +that it was late in the evening before I arrived at my lodgings, and Mrs. Cole, +after helping me to range and secure my things, spent the whole evening with me +in my apartment, where we supped together, in giving me the best advice and +instruction with regard to the new stage of my profession I was now to enter +upon; and passing thus from a private devotee to pleasure into a public one, to +become a more general good, with all the advantages requisite to put my person +out to use, either for interest or pleasure, or both. “But then,” +she observed, “as I was a kind of new face upon the town, that is, was an +established rule, and part of trade, for me to pass for a maid and dispose of +myself as such on the first good occasion, without prejudice, however, to such +diversions as I might have a mind to in the interim; for that nobody could be a +greater enemy than she was to the losing of time. That she would, in the mean +time, do her best to find out a proper person, and would undertake to manage +this nice point for me, if I would accept of her aid and advice to such good +purpose, that, in the loss of a fictitious maidenhead, I should reap all the +advantages of a native one.” +</p> + +<p> +As too great a delicacy of sentiments did not extremely belong to my character +at that time, I confess, against myself, that I perhaps too readily closed with +a proposal which my candor and ingenuity gave me some repugnance to: but not +enough to contradict the intention of one to whom I had now thoroughly +abandoned the direction of all my steps. For Mrs. Cole had, I do not know how +unless by one of those unaccountable invincible sympathies that, nevertheless, +from the strongest links, especially of female friendship, won and got entire +possession of me. On her side, she pretended that a strict resemblance, she +fancied she saw in me, to an only daughter whom she had lost at my age, was the +first motive of her taking to me so affectionately as she did. It might be so: +there exist a slender motives of attachment, that, gathering force from habit +and liking, have proved often more solid and durable than those founded on much +stronger reasons; but this I know, that though I had no other acquaintance with +her, than seeing her at my lodgings, when I lived with Mr. H..., where she had +made errands to sell me some millinery ware, she had by degrees insinuated +herself so far into my confidence, that I threw myself blindly into her hands, +and came, at length, to regard, love, and obey her implicitly; and, to do her +justice, I never experienced at her hands other than a sincerity of tenderness, +and care for my interest, hardly heard of in those of her profession. We parted +that night, after having settled a perfect unreserved agreement; and the next +morning Mrs. Cole came, and took me with her to her house for the first time. +</p> + +<p> +Here, at the first sight of things, I found every thing breathe an air of +decency, modesty and order. +</p> + +<p> +In the outer parlour, or rather shop, sat three young women, rather demurely +employed on millinery work, which was the cover of a traffic in more precious +commodities; but three beautifuller creatures could hardly be seen. Two of them +were extremely fair, the eldest not above nineteen; and the third, much about +that age, was a piquant brunette, whose black sparking eyes, and perfect +harmony of features and shape, left her nothing to envy in her fairer +companions. Their dress too had the more design in it, the less it appeared to +have, being in a taste of uniform correct neatness, and elegant simplicity. +These were the girls that composed the small domestic flock, which my governess +trained up with surprising order and management, considering the giddy wildness +of young girls once got upon the loose. But then she never continued any in her +house, whom, after a due noviciate, she found un-tractable, or unwilling to +comply with the rules of it. Thus she had insensibly formed a little family of +love, in which the members found so sensibly their account, in a rare alliance +of pleasure and interest, and of a necessary outward decency, with unbounded +secret liberty, that Mrs. Cole, who had picked them as much for their temper as +their beauty, governed them with ease to herself and them too. +</p> + +<p> +To these pupils then of hers, whom she had prepared, she presented me as a new +boarder, and one that was to be immediately admitted to all the intimacies of +the house; upon which these charming girls gave me all the marks of a welcome +reception, and indeed of being perfectly pleased with my figure, that I could +possibly expect from any of my own sex: but they had been effectually brought +to sacrifice all jealousy, or competition of charms, to a common interest, and +considered me a partner that was bringing no despicable stock of goods into the +trade of the house. They gathered round me, viewed me on all sides; and as my +admission into this joyous troop made a little holiday, the shew of work was +laid aside; and Mrs. Cole giving me up, with special recommendation, to their +caresses and entertainment, went about her ordinary business of the house. +</p> + +<p> +The sameness of our sex, age, profession, and views, soon creased as unreserved +a freedom and intimacy as if we had been for years acquainted. They took and +shewed me the house, their respective apartments, which were furnished with +every article of convenience and luxury; and above all, a spacious +drawing-room, where a select revelling band usually met, in general parties of +pleasure; the girls supping with their sparks, and acting their wanton pranks +with unbounded licentiousness; whilst a defiance of awe, modesty or jealousy +were their standing rules, by which, according to the principles of their +society, whatever pleasure was lost on the side of sentiment, was abundantly +made up to the senses in the poignancy of variety, and the charms of ease and +luxury. The authors and supporters of this secret institution would, in the +height of their humour, style themselves the restorers of the golden age and +its simplicity of pleasures, before their innocence became so unjustly branded +with the names of guilt and shame. +</p> + +<p> +As soon then as the evening began, and the shew of a shop was shut, the academy +opened; the mask of mock-modesty was completely taken off, and all the girls +delivered over to their respective calls of pleasure or interest with their +men: and none of that sex was promiscuously admitted, but only such as Mrs. +Cole was previously satisfied with their character and discretion. In short, +this was the safest, politest, and, at the same time, the most thorough house +of accommodation in town: every thing being conducted so, that decency made no +intrenchment upon the most libertine pleasures; in the practice of which, too, +the choice familiars of the house had found the secret so rare and difficult, +of reconciling even all the refinements of taste and delicacy, with the most +gross and determinate gratifications of sensuality. +</p> + +<p> +After having consumed the morning in the dear endearments and instructions of +my new acquaintance, we went to dinner, when Mrs. Cole, presiding at the head +of her club, gave me the first idea of her management and address, in inspiring +these girls with so sensible a love and respect for her. There was no +stiffness, no reserve, no airs of pique, or little jealousies, but all was +unaffectedly gay, cheerful and easy. +</p> + +<p> +After dinner, Mrs. Cole, seconded by the young ladies, acquainted me that there +was a chapter to be held that night in form, for the ceremony of my reception +into the sisterhood; and in which, with all due reserve to my maidenhead, that +was to be occasionally cooked up for the first proper chapman. I was to undergo +a ceremonial of initiation they were sure I should not be displeased with. +</p> + +<p> +Embarked as I was, and moreover captivated with the charms of my new +companions, I was too much prejudiced in favour of any proposal they could +make, to as much as hesitate an assent; which, therefore, readily giving in the +style of a carte blanche, I received fresh kisses of compliment from them all, +in approval of my docility and good nature. Now I was “a sweet girl... I +came into things with a good grace... I was not affectedly coy... I should be +the pride of the house,” and the like. +</p> + +<p> +This point thus adjusted, the young women left Mrs. Cole to talk and concert +matters with me, when she explained to me, that “I should be introduced +that very evening, to four of her best friends, one of whom she had, according +to the custom of the house, favoured with the preference of engaging me in the +first party of pleasure;” assuring me, at the same time, “that they +were all young gentlemen agreeable in their persons, and unexceptionable in +every respect; that united, and holding together by the band of common +pleasures, they composed the chief support of her house, and made very liberal +presents to the girls that pleased and humoured them, so that they were, +properly speaking, the founders and patrons of this little seraglio. Not but +that she had, at proper seasons, other customers to deal with, whom she stood +less upon punctilio with, than with these; for instance, it was not on one of +them she could attempt to pass me for a maid; they were not only too knowing, +too much town-bred to bite at such a bait, but they were such generous +benefactors to her, that it would be unpardonable to think of it.” +</p> + +<p> +Amidst all the flutter and emotion which this promise of pleasure, for such I +conceived it, stirred up in me, I preserved so much of the woman, as to feign +just reluctance enough to make some merit, of sacrificing it to the influence +of my patroness, whom I likewise, still in character, reminded of it perhaps +being right for me to go home and dress, in favour of my first impressions. +</p> + +<p> +But Mrs. Cole, in opposition to this, assured me, “that the gentlemen I +should be presented to were, by their rank and taste of things, infinitely +superior to the being touched with any glare of dress or ornaments, such slick +women rather confound and overlay than set off their beauty with; that these +veteran voluptuaries knew better than not to hold them in the highest contempt: +they with whom the pure native charms alone could pass current, and who would +at any time leave a sallow, washy, painted duchess on her own hands, for a +ruddy, healthy firm fleshed country maid; and as for my part, that nature had +done enough for me, to set me above owing the least favour to art;” +concluding withal, that for the instant occasion, there was no dress like an +undress. +</p> + +<p> +I thought my governess too good a judge of these matters, not to be easily +overruled by her: after which she went on preaching very pathetically the +doctrine of passive obedience and non-resistance to all those arbitrary tastes +of pleasure, which are by some styled the refinements, and by others the +depravations of it; between whom it was not the business of a simple girl, who +was to profit by pleasing, to decide, but to conform to. Whilst I was edifying +by these wholesome lessons, tea was brought in, and the young ladies, +returning, joined company with us. +</p> + +<p> +After a great deal of mixed chat, frolic and humour, one of them, observing +that there would be a good deal of time on and before the assembly hour, +proposed that each girl should entertain the company with that critical period +of her personal history, in which she first exchanged the maiden state for +womanhood. The proposal was approved, with only one restriction of Mrs. Cole, +that she, on account of her age, and I, on account of my titular maidenhead, +should be excused, at least till I had undergone the forms of the house. This +obtained me a dispensation, and the promotress of this amusement was desired to +begin. +</p> + +<p> +Her name was Emily; a girl fair to excess, and whose limbs were, if possible, +too well made, since their plump fulness was rather to the prejudice of that +delicate slimness required by the nicer judges of beauty; her eyes were blue, +and streamed inexpressible sweetness, and nothing could be prettier than her +mouth and lips, which closed over a range of the evenest and whitest teeth. +Thus she began: +</p> + +<p> +“Neither my extraction, nor the most critical adventure of my life, is +sublime enough to impeach me of any vanity in the advancement of the proposal +you have approved of. My father and mother were, and for aught I know, are +still, farmers in the country, not above forty miles from town: their barbarity +to me, in favour of a son, on whom alone they vouchsafed to bestow their +tenderness, had a thousand times determined me to fly their house, and throw +myself on the wide world; but, at length, an accident forced me on this +desperate attempt at the age of fifteen. I had broken a chinabowl, the pride +and idol of both their hearts; and as an unmerciful beating was the least I had +to depend on at their hands, in the silliness of these tender years, I left the +house, and, at all adventures, took the road to London. How my loss was +resented I do not know, for till this instant I have not heard a syllable about +them. My whole stock was two broad pieces of my godmother’s, a few +shillings, silver shoe-buckles and a silver thimble. Thus equipped, with no +more clothes than the ordinary ones I had on my back, and frightened at every +foot or noise I heard behind me, I hurried on; and I dare sweare, walked a +dozen miles before I stopped, through mere weariness and fatigue. At length I +sat down on a style, wept bitterly, and yet was still rather under increased +impressions of fear on the account of my escape; which made me dread, worse +than death, the going back to my unnatural parents. Refreshed by this little +repose, and relieved by my tears, I was proceeding onward, when I was overtaken +by a sturdy country lad, who was going to London to see what he could do for +himself there, and, like me, had given his friends the slip. He could not be +above seventeen, was ruddy, well featured enough, with uncombed flaxen hair, a +little flapped hat, kersey frock, yarn stockings, in short, a perfect plough +boy. I saw him come whistling behind me, with a bundle tied to the end of a +stick, his travelling equipage. We walked by one another for some time without +speaking; at length we joined company, and agreed to keep together till we got +to our journey’s end; what his designs or ideas were, I know not: the +innocence of mine I can solemnly protest. +</p> + +<p> +“As night drew on, it became us to look out for some inn or shelter; to +which perplexity another was added, and that was, what we should say for +ourselves, if we were questioned. After some puzzle, the young fellow started a +proposal, which I thought the finest that could be; and what was that? why, +that we should pass for husband and wife: I never dreamed of consequences. We +came presently, after having agreed on this notable experience, to one of those +hedge accommodations for foot passengers, at the door of which stood an old +crazy beldam, who seeing us trudge by, invited us to lodge there. Glad of any +cover, we went in, and my fellow traveller, taking all upon him, called for +what the house afforded, and we supped together as man and wife; which, +considering our figures and ages, could not have passed on any one but such as +any thing could pass on. But when bed-time came on, we had neither of us the +courage to contradict our first account of ourselves; and what was extremely +pleasant, the young lad seemed as perplexed as I was how to evade lying +together, which was so natural for the state we had pretended to. Whilst we +were in this quandary, the landlady takes the candles, and lights us to our +apartment, through a long yard, at the end of which it stood, separate from the +body of the house. Thus we suffered ourselves to be conducted, without saying a +word in opposition to it; and there, in a wretched room, with a bed answerable, +we were left to pass the night together, as a thing quite of course. For my +part, I was so incredibly innocent, as not even to think much more harm of +going into bed with the young man, than with one of our dairy wenches; nor had +he, perhaps, any other notions than those of innocence, till such a fair +occasion put them into his head. +</p> + +<p> +“Before either of us undressed, however, he put out the candle; and the +bitterness of the weather made it a kind of necessity for me to go into bed: +slipping then my clothes off, I crept under the bedclothes, where I found the +young stripling already nestled, and the touch of his warm flesh rather pleased +than alarmed me. I was indeed too much disturbed with the novelty of my +condition to be able to sleep; but then I had not the least thought of harm. +But oh! how powerful are the instincts of nature! how little is there wanting +to set them in action! The young man, sliding his arm under my body, drew me +gently towards him, as if to keep himself and me warmer; and the heat I felt +from joining our breasts, kindled another that I had hitherto never felt, and +was, even then, a stranger to the nature of. Emboldened, I suppose, by my +easiness, he ventured to kiss me, and I insensibly returned it; without knowing +the consequence of returning it: for, on this encouragement, he slipped his +hand all down from my breast to that part of me where the sense of feeling is +so exquisitely critical, as I then experienced by its instant taking fire upon +the touch, and glowing with a strange tickling heat: there he pleased himself +and me, by feeling, till growing a little too bold with me, he hurt me, and +made me complain. Then he took my hand, which he guided, not unwillingly on my +side, between the twist of his closed thighs, which were extremely warm; there +he lodged and pressed it, till raising it by degrees, he made me feel the proud +distinction of his sex from mine. I was frightened at the novelty, and drew +back my hand; yet, pressed and spurred on by sensations of a strange pleasure, +I could not help asking him what that was for? He told me he would shew me if I +would let him; and without waiting for my answer, which he prevented by +stopping my mouth with kisses I was far from disrelishing, he got upon me, and +inserting one of his thighs between mine, opened them so as to make way for +himself, and fixed me to his purpose; whilst I was so much out of my usual +sense, so subdued by the present power of a new one, that, between far and +desire, I lay utter passive, till the piercing pain rouzed and made me cry out. +But it was too late: he was too firm fixed in the saddle for me to compass +flinging him, with all the struggles I could use, some of which only served to +further his point, and at length an irresistible thrust murdered at once my +maidenhead, and almost me. I now lay a bleeding witness of the necessity +imposed on our sex, to gather the first honey off the thorns. +</p> + +<p> +“But the pleasure rising as the pain subsided, I was soon reconciled to +fresh trials, and before morning, nothing on earth could be dearer to me than +this rifler of my virgin sweets: he was every thing to me now. +</p> + +<p> +“How we agreed to join fortunes: how we came up to town together, where +we lived some time, till necessity-parted us, and drove me into this course of +life, to which I had been long ago bettered and torn to pieces before I came to +this age, as much through my easiness, as through inclination, had it not been +for my finding refuge in this house: these are all circumstances which pass the +mark I proposed, so that here my narrative ends.” +</p> + +<p> +In the order of our sitting, it was Harriet’s turn to go on. Amongst all +the beauties of our sex, that I had before, or have since seen, few indeed were +the forms that could dispute excellence with her’s; it was not delicate, +but delicacy itself incarnate, such was the symmetry of her small but exactly +fashioned limbs. Her complexion, fair as it was, appeared yet more fair, from +the effect of two black eyes, the brilliancy of which gave her face more +vivacity than belonged to the colour of it, which was only defended from +paleness, by a sweetly pleasing blush in her cheeks, that grew fainter and +fainter, till at length it died away insensibly into the overbearing white. +Then her miniature features joined to finish the extreme sweetness of it, which +was not belied by that of a temper turned to indolence, languor, and the +pleasures of love. Pressed to subscribe her contingent, she smiled, blushed a +little, and thus complied with our desires: +</p> + +<p> +“My father was neither better nor worse than a miller near the city of +York; and both he and my mother dying whilst I was an infant, I fell under the +care of a widow and childless aunt, housekeeper to my lord N..., at his seat in +the county of..., where she brought me up with all imaginable tenderness. I was +not seventeen, as I am not now eighteen, before I had, on account of my person +purely (for fortune I had notoriously none), several advantageous proposals; +but whether nature was slow in making me sensible in her favourite passion, or +that I had not seen any of the other sex who had stirred up the least emotion +or curiosity to be better acquainted with it, I had, till that age, preserved a +perfect innocence, even of thought: whilst my fears of I did not now well know +what, made me no more desirous of marrying than of dying. My aunt, good woman, +favoured my timorousness, which she looked on as childish affection, that her +own experience might probably assure her would wear off in time, and gave my +suitors proper answers for me. +</p> + +<p> +“The family had not been down at that seat for years, so that it was +neglected, and committed entirely to my aunt, and two old domestics to take +care of it. Thus I had the full range of a spacious lonely house and gardens, +situated at about half a mile distance from any other habitation, except, +perhaps, a straggling cottage or so. +</p> + +<p> +“Here, in tranquillity and innocence, I grew up without any memorable +accident, till one fatal day I had, as I had often done before, left my aunt +asleep, and secure for some hours, after dinner; and resorting to a kind of +ancient summer house, at some distance from the house, I carried my work with +me, and sat over a rivulet, which its door and window faced upon. Here I fell +into a gentle breathing slumber, which stole upon my senses, as they fainted +under the excessive heat of the season at that hour; a cane couch, with my work +basked for a pillow, were all the conveniences of my short repose; for I was +soon awaked and alarmed by a flounce, and noise of splashing in the water. I +got up to see what was the matter; and what indeed should it be but the son of +a neighbouring gentleman, as I afterwards found (for I had never seen him +before), who had strayed that way with his gun, and heated by his sport, and +the sultriness of the day, had been tempted by the freshness of the clear +stream; so that presently stripping, he jumped into it on the other side, which +bordered on a wood, some trees whereof, inclined down to the water, formed a +pleasing shady recess, commodious to undress and leave his clothes under. +</p> + +<p> +“My first emotions at the sight of this youth, naked in the water, were, +with all imaginable respect to truth, those of surprise and fear; and, in +course, I should immediately have run out, had not my modesty, fatally for +itself, interposed the objection of the door and window being so situated, that +it was scarce possible to get out, and make my way along the bank to the house, +without his seeing me: which I could not bear the thought of, so much ashamed +and confounded was I at having seen him. Condemned then to stay till his +departure should release me, I was greatly embarrassed how to dispose of +myself: I kept some time betwixt terror and modesty, even from looking through +the window, which being an old fashioned casement, without any light behind me, +could hardly betray any one’s being there to him from within; then the +door was so secure, that without violence, or my own consent, there was no +opening it from without. +</p> + +<p> +“But now, by my own experience, I found it too true, that objects which +affright us, when we cannot get from them, draw our eyes as forcibly as those +that please us. I could not long withstand that nameless impulse, which, +without any desire of this novel sight, compelled me towards it; emboldened too +by my certainty of being at once unseen and safe, I ventured by degrees to cast +my eyes on an object so terrible and alarming to my virgin modesty as a naked +man. +</p> + +<p> +“But as I snatched a look, the first gleam that struck me, was in general +the dewy lustre of the whitest skin imaginable, which the sun playing upon made +the reflection of it perfectly beamy. His face, in the confusion I was in, I +could not well distinguish the lineamints of, any farther than that there was a +great deal of youth and freshness in it. The frolic and various play of all his +fine polished limbs, as they appeared above the surface, in the course of his +swimming or wantoning with the water, amused and insensibly delighted me; +sometimes he lay motionless, on his back, waterborne, and dragging after him a +fine head of hair, that, floating, swept the stream in a bush of black curls. +Then the overflowing water would make a separation between his breast and +glossy white belly; at the bottom of which I could not escape observing so +remarkable a distinction, as a black mossy tuft, out of which appeared to +emerge a round, softish, limber, white something, that played every way, with +ever the least motion or whirling eddy. I cannot say but that part chiefly, by +a kind of natural instinct, attracted, detained, captivated my attention: it +was out of the power of all my modesty to command my eye away from it; and +seeing nothing so very dreadful in its appearance, I insensibly looked away all +my fears: but as fast as they gave way, new desires and strange wishes took +place, and I melted as I gazed. The fire of nature, that had so long lain +dormant or concealed, began to break out, and made me feel my sex for the first +time. He had now changed his posture, and swam prone on his belly, striking out +with his legs and arms; finer modeled than which could not have been cast, +whilst his floating locks played over a neck and shoulders whose whiteness they +delightfully set off. Then the luxuriant swell of flesh that rose from the +small of his back, and terminates its double cope at where the thighs are set +off, perfectly dazzled one with its watery glistening gloss. +</p> + +<p> +“By this time I was so affected by this inward involution of sentiments, +so softened by this sight, that now, betrayed into a sudden transition from +extreme fears to extreme desires, I found these last so strong upon me, the +heat of the weather too perhaps conspiring to exalt their rage, that nature +almost fainted under them. Not that I so much as knew precisely what was +wanting to me: my only thought was, that so sweet a creature, as this youth +seemed to me, could only make me happy; but then, the little likelihood there +was of compassing an acquaintance with him, or perhaps of ever seeing him +again, dashed my desires, and turned them into torments. I was still gazing, +with all the powers of my sight, on this bewitching object, when, in an +instant, down he went. I had heard of such things as a cramp seizing on even +the best swimmers, and occasioning their being drowned; and imagining this so +sudden eclipse to be owing to it, the inconceivable fondness this unknown lad +had given birth to, distracted me with the most killing terrors; insomuch, that +my concern giving the wings, I flew to the door, opened it, ran down to the +canal, guided thither by the madness of my fears for him, and the intense +desire of being an instrument to save him, though I was ignorant how, or by +what means to effect it: but was it for fears, and a passion so sudden as mine, +to reason! All this took up scarce the space of a few moments. I had then just +life enough to reach the green borders of the waterpiece, where wildly looking +round for the young man, and missing him still, my fright and concern sunk me +down in a deep swoon, which must have lasted me some time; for I did not come +to myself, till I was roused out of it by a sense of pain that pierced me to +the vitals, and awaked me to the the most surprising circumstance of finding +myself not only in the arms of this very young gentleman I had been so +solicitous to save; but taken at such an advantage in my unresisting condition, +that he had actually completed his entrance into me so far, that weakened as I +was by all the preceding conflicts of mind I had suffered, and struck dumb by +the violence of my surprise, I had neither the power to cry out, nor the +strength to disengage myself from his strenuous embraces, before, urging his +point, he had forced his way and completely triumphed over my virginity, as he +might now as well see by the streams of blood that followed his drawing out, as +he had felt by the difficulties he had met with consummating his penetration. +But the sight of the blood, and the sense of my condition, had (as he told me +afterwards), since the ungovernable rage of his passion was somewhat appeased, +now wrought so far on him, that at all risks, even of the worst consequences, +he could not find in his heart to leave me, and make off, which he might easily +have done. I still lay all discomposed in bleeding ruin, palpitating, +speechless, unable to get off, and frightened, and fluttering like a poor +wounded partridge, and ready to faint away again at the sense of what had +befallen me. The young gentleman was by me, kneeling, kissing my hand, and with +tears in his eyes, beseeching me to forgive him, and offering all the +reparation in his power. It is certain that could I, at the instant of +regaining my senses, have called out, or taken the bloodiest revenge, I would +not be stuck at it; the violation was attended too with such aggravating +circumstances, though he was ignorant of them, since it was to my concern for +the preservation of his life, that I owed my ruin. +</p> + +<p> +“But how quick is the shift of passions from one extreme to another! and +how little are they acquainted with the human heart who dispute it! I could not +see this amiable criminal, so suddenly the first object of my love, and as +suddenly of my just hate, on his knees, bedewing my hands with his tears, +without relenting. He was still stark-naked, but my modesty had been already +too much wounded, in essentials, to be so much shocked as I should have +otherwise been with appearances only; in short, my anger ebbed so fast, and the +tide of love returned so strong upon me, that I felt it a point of my own +happiness to forgive him. The reproaches I made him were murmured in so soft a +tone, my eyes met his with such glances, expressing more languor than +resentment, that he could not but presume his forgiveness was at no desperate +distance; but still he would not quit his posture of submission, till I had +pronounced his pardon in form; which after the most fervent entreaties, +protestations, and promises, I had not the power to withhold. On which, with +the utmost marks of a fear of again offending, he ventured to kiss my lips, +which I neither declined nor resented: but on my mild expostulation with him +upon the barbarity of his treatment, he explained the mystery of my ruin, if +not entirely to the clearance, at least much to the alleviation of his guilt, +in the eyes of a judge so partial in his favour as I was grown. +</p> + +<p> +“It seems that the circumstance of his going down, or sinking, which in +my extreme ignorance I had mistaken for something very fatal, was no other than +a trick of diving, which I had not ever heard, or at least attended o, the +mention of: and he was so long-breathed at it, that in the few moments in which +I ran out to save him, he had not yet emerged, before I fell into the swoon, in +which, as he rose, seeing me extended on the bank, his first idea was, that +some young woman was upon some design of frolic or diversion with him, for he +knew I could not have fallen asleep there without his having seen me before: +agreebly to which notion he had ventured to approach, and finding me without +sign of life, and still perplexed as he was what to think of the adventure, he +took me in his arms at all hazards, and carried me into the summer-house, of +which he observed the door open: there he laid me down on the couch, and tried, +as he protested in good faith, by several means to bring me to myself again, +till fired, as he said, beyond all bearing by the sight and touch of several +parts of me, which were unguardedly exposed to him, he could no longer govern +his passion; and the less, as he was not quite sure that his first idea of this +swoon being a feint, was not the very truth of the case; seduced then by this +flattering notion, and overcome by the present, as he styled them, super-human +temptations, combined with the solitude and seeming security of the attempt, he +was not enough his own master not to make it. Leaving me then just only whilst +he fastened the door, he returned with redoubled eagerness to his prey: when, +finding me still entranced, he ventured to place me as he pleased, whilst I +felt, no more than the dead, what he was about, till the pain he put me to +roused me just in time enough to be witness of a triumph I was not able to +defeat, and now scarce regretted: for as he talked, the tone of his voice +sounded, methought, so sweetly in my ears, the sensible nearness of so new and +interesting an object to me, wrought so powerfully upon me, that, in the rising +perception of things in a new and pleasing light, I lost all sense of the past +injury. The young gentleman soon discerned the symptoms of a reconciliation in +my softened looks, and hastening to receive the seal of it from my lips, +pressed them tenderly to pass his pardon in the return of a kiss so melting +fiery, that the impression of it being carried to my heart, and thence to my +new discovered sphere of Venus, I was melted into a softness that could refuse +him nothing. When now he managed his caresses and endearments so artfully, as +to insinuate the most soothing consolations for the past pain and the most +pleasing expectations of future pleasure, but whilst mere modesty kept my eyes +from seeing his and rather declined them, I had a glimpse of that instrument of +mischief which was now, obviously even to me, who had scarce had snatches of a +comparative observation of it, resuming its capacity to renew it, and grew +greatly alarming with its increase of size, as he bore it no doubt designedly, +hard and stiff against one of my hands carelessly dropt; but then he employed +such tender prefacing, such winning progressions, that my returning passion of +desire being now so strongly prompted by the engaging circumstances of the +sight and incendiary touch of his naked glowing beauties, I yield at length at +the force of the present impressions, and he obtained of my tacit blushing +consent all the gratifications of pleasure left in the power of my poor person +to bestow, after he had cropt its richest flower, during my suspension of life, +and abilities to guard it. +</p> + +<p> +“Here, according to the rule laid down, I should stop; but I am so much +in notion, that I could not if I would. I shall only add, however, that I got +home without the least discovery, or suspicion of what had happened. I met my +young ravisher several times after, whom I now passionately loved and who, +though not of age to claim a small but independent fortune, would have married +me; but as the accident that prevented it, and its consequences, which threw me +on the public, contain matters too moving and serious to introduce at present, +I cut short here.” +</p> + +<p> +Louisa, the brunette whom I mentioned at first, now took her turn to treat the +company with her history. I have already hinted to you the graces of her +person, than which nothing could be more exquisitely touching; I repeat +touching, as a just distinction from striking, which is ever a less lasting +effect, and more generally belongs to the fair complexions; but leaving that +decision to every one’s taste, I proceed to give you Louisa’s +narrative as follows: +</p> + +<p> +“According to practical maxims of life, I ought to boast of my birth, +since I owe it to pure love, without marriage; but this I know, it was scarce +possible to inherit a stronger propensity to that cause of my being than I did. +I was the rare production of the first essay of a journeyman cabinet-maker, on +his master’s maid: the consequence of which was a big belly, and the loss +of a place. He was not in circumstances to do much for her; and yet, after all +this blemish, she found means, after she had dropt her burthen, and disposed of +me to a poor relation in the country, to repair it by marrying a pastry-cook +here in London, in thriving business; on whom she soon, under favour of the +complete ascendant he had given her over him, passed me for a child she had by +her first husband. I had, on that footing, been taken home, and was not six +years old when this father-in-law died, and left my mother in tolerable +circumstances, and without any children by him. As to my natural father, he had +betaken himself to the sea; where, when the truth of things came out, I was +told that he died, not immensely rich you may think, since he was no more than +a common sailor. As I grew up, under the eyes of my mother, who kept on the +business, I could not but see, in her severe watchfulness, the marks of a slip, +which she did not care should be hereditary; but we no more choose our passions +than our features or complexions, and the bent of mine was so strong to the +forbidden pleasure, that it got the better, at length, of all her care and +precaution. I was scarce twelve years old, before that part which she wanted so +much to keep out of harm’s way, made me feel its impatience to be taken +notice of, and come into play; already had it put forth the signs of +forwardness in the sprout of a soft down over it, which had often fluttered, +and I might also say, grown under my constant touch and visitation, so pleased +was I with what I took to be a kind of title to womanhood, that state I pined +to be entered of, for the pleasures I conceived were annexed to it; and now the +growing importance of that part to me, and the new sensations in it, demolished +at once all my girlish play-things and amusements. Nature now pointed me +strongly to more solid diversions, while all the stings of desire settled so +fiercely in that little centre of them, that I could not mistake the spot I +wanted a playfellow in. +</p> + +<p> +“I now shunned all company in which there was no hopes of coming at the +object of my longings, and used to shut myself up, to indulge in solitude some +tender meditation on the pleasure I strongly perceived the overture of, in +feeling and examining what nature assured me must be the chosen avenue, the +gates for unknown bliss to enter at, that I panted after. +</p> + +<p> +“But these meditations only increased my disorder, and blew the fire that +consumed me. I was yet worse when, yielding at length to the insupportable +irritations of the little fairy charm that tormented me, I seized it with my +fingers, teazing it to no end. Sometimes, in the furious excitations of desire, +I threw myself on the bed, spread my thighs abroad, and lay as it were +expecting the longed-for relief, till finding my illusion, I shut and squeezed +them together again, burning and fretting. In short, this develish thing, with +its impetuous girds and itching fires, led me such a life, that I could +neither, night or day, be at peace with it or myself. In time, however, I +thought I had gained a prodigious prize, when figuring to myself that my +fingers were something of the shape of what I pined for, I worked my way in +with one of them with great agitation and delight; yet not without pain too did +I deflower myself as far as it could reach; proceeding with such a fury of +passion, in this solitary and last shift of pleasure, as extended me at length +breathless on the bed in an amorous melting trance. +</p> + +<p> +“But frequency of use dulling the sensation, I soon began to perceive +that this work was but a paultry shallow expedient, that went but a little way +to relieve me, and rather raised more flame than its dry and insignificant +titillation could rightly appease. +</p> + +<p> +“Man alone, I almost instinctively knew, as well as by what I had +industriously picked up at weddings and christenings, was possessed of the only +remedy that could reduce this rebellious disorder; but watched and overlooked +as I was, how to come at it was the point, and that, to all appearance, an +invincible one; not that I did not rack my brains and invention how at once to +elude my mothers vigilance, and procure myself the satisfaction of my impetuous +curiosity and longings for this mighty and untasted pleasure. At length, +however, a singular chance did at once the work of a long course of alertness. +One day that we had dined at an acquaintance over the way, together with a +gentlewoman-lodger that occupied the first floor of our house, there started an +indispensable necessity for my mother’s going down to Greenwich to +accompany her: the party was settled, when I do not know what genius whispered +me to plead a headache, which I certainly had not, against my being included in +a jaunt that I had not the least relish for. The pretext, however, passed, and +my mother, with much reluctance, prevailed with herself to go without me; but +took particular care to see me safe home, where she consigned me into the hands +of an old trusty maidservants, who served in the shop, for we had not a male +creature in the house. +</p> + +<p> +“As soon as she was gone, I told the maid I would go up and lie down on +our lodger’s bed, mine not being made, with a charge to her at the same +time not to disturb me, as it was only rest I wanted. This injunction probably +proved of eminent service to me. As soon as I was got into the bedchamber, I +unlaced my stays, and threw myself on the outside of the bedclothes, in all the +loosest undress. Here I gave myself up to the old insipid privy shifts of my +self-viewing, self-touching self-enjoying, in fine, to all the means of self +knowledge I could devise, in search of the pleasure that fled before me, and +tantalized with that unknown something that was out of my reach; thus all only +served to enflame myself, and to provoke violently my desires, whilst the one +thing needful to their satisfaction was not at hand, and I could have bit my +finger for representing it so ill. After then wearying and fatiguing myself +with grasping shadows, whilst that most sensible part of me disdained to +content itself with less than realities, the strong yearnings, the urgent +struggles of nature towards the melting relief, and the extreme self-agitations +I had used to come at it, had wearied and thrown me into a kind of unquiet +sleep: for, if I tossed and threw about my limbs in proportion to the +distraction of my dreams, as I had reason to believe I did, a bystander could +not have helped seeing all for love. And one there was it seems; for waking out +of my very short slumber, I found my hand locked in that of a young man, who +was kneeling at my bed-side, and begging my pardon for his boldness: but that +being a son to the lady to whom, this bed-chamber, he knew, belonged, he had +slipped by the servant of the shop, as he supposed, unperceived, when finding +me asleep, his first ideas were to withdraw; but that he had been fixed and +detained there by a power he could better account for, than resist. +</p> + +<p> +“What shall I say? my emotions of fear and surprise were instantly +subdued by those of the pleasure I bespoke in great presence of mind from the +turn this adventure might take. He seemed to me no other than a pitying angel, +dropt out of the clouds: for he was young and perfectly handsome, which was +more than even I had asked for, man, in general, being all that my utmost +desires had pointed at. I thought then I could not put too much encouragement +into my eyes and voice; I regretted no leading advances; no matter for his +after-opinion of my forwardness, so it might bring him to the point of +answering my pressing demands of present case; it was not now with his thoughts +but his actions that my business immediately lay. I raised then my head, and +told him, in a soft tone, that tended to prescribe the same key to him, that +his mamma was gone out and would not return till late at night: which I thought +no bad hint; but as it proved, I had nothing of a novice to deal with. The +impressions I had made on him from the discoveries I had betrayed of my person +in the disordered motions of it, during his view of me asleep, had, as he +afterwards told me, so fixed and charmingly prepared him, that, had I known his +dispositions, I had more to hope from his violence, than to fear from his +respect; and even less than the extreme tenderness which I threw into my voice +and eyes, would have served to encourage him to make the most of the +opportunity. Finding then that his kisses, imprinted on my hand, were taken as +tamely as he could wish, he rose to my lips; and glewing his to them, made me +so faint with overcoming joy and pleasure, that I fell back, and he with me, in +course, on the bed, upon which I had, by insensibly shifting from the side to +near the middle, invitingly, made room for him. He is now lain down by me, and +the minutes being too precious to consume in ultimate ceremony, or dalliance, +my youth proceeds immediately to those extremities, which all my looks, humming +and palpitations, had assured him he might attempt without the fear of a +repulse: those rogues the men, read us admirably on these occasions. I lay then +at length panting for the imminent attack, with wishes far beyond my fears, and +for which it was scarce possible for a girl, barely thirteen, but tall and well +grown, to have better dispositions. He threw up my petticoat and shift, whilst +my thighs were, by an instinct of nature, unfolded to their best; and my +desires had so thoroughly destroyed all modesty in me, that even their being +now naked and all laid open to him, was part of the prelude that pleasure +deepened my blushes at, more than same. But when his hand, and touches, +naturally attracted to their center, made me feel all their wantonness and +warmth in, and round it, oh! how immensely different a sense of things, did I +perceive there, than when under my own insipid handling! And now his waistcoat +was unbuttoned, and the confinement of the breeches burst through, when out +started to view the amazing, pleasing object of all my wishes, all my dreams, +all my love, the king member indeed! I gazed at, I devoured it, at length and +breadth, with my eyes intently directed to it, till his; getting upon me, and +placing between my thighs, took from me the enjoyment of its sight, to give me +a far more grateful one, in its touch, in that part where its touch is so +exquisitely affecting. Applying it then to the minute opening, for such at that +age it certainly was, I met with too much good will, I felt with too great a +rapture of pleasure the first insertion of it, to heed much the pain that +followed: I thought nothing too dear to pay for this the richest treat of the +sense; so that, split up, torn, bleeding, mangled I was still superiorly +pleased, and hugged the author of all this delicious ruin. But when, soon +after, he made his second attack, sore as every thing was, the smart was soon +put away by the sovereign cordial; all my soft complainings were silenced, and +the pain melting fast away into pleasure. I abandoned myself over to all its +transports, and gave it the full possession of my whole body and soul; for now +all thought was at an end with me; I lived in what I felt only. And who could +describe those feelings, those agitations, yet exalted by the charm of their +novelty and surprise? when that part of me which had so hungered for the dear +morsel that now so delightfully crammed, forced all my vital sensations to fix +their home there, during the stay of my beloved guest; who too soon paid me for +his hearty welcome, in a dissolvent, richer far than that I have heard of some +queen treating her paramour with, in liquified pearl, and ravishingly poured +into me, where, now myself too much melted to give it a dry reception, I hailed +it with the warmest confluence on my side, amidst all those ecstatic raptures, +not unfamiliar I presume to this good company. Thus, however, I arrived at the +very top of all my wishes, by an accident unexpected indeed, but not so +wonderful; for this young gentleman was just arrived in town from college, and +came familiarly to his mother at her apartment, where he had once before been, +though, by mere chance. I had not seen him: so that we knew one another by +hearing only; and finding me stretched on his mother’s bed, he readily +concluded from her description, who it was. The rest you know. +</p> + +<p> +“This affair had however no ruinous consequences, the young gentleman +escaping then, and many more times undiscovered. But the warmth of my +constitution, that made the pleasures of love a kind of necessary of life to +me, having betrayed me into indiscretions fatal to my private fortune, I fell +at length to the public; from which, it is probable, I might have met with the +worst of ruin, if my better fate had not thrown me into this safe and agreeable +refuge.” +</p> + +<p> +Here Louisa ended; and these little histories having brought the time for the +girls to retire, and to prepare for the revels of the evening, I staid with +Mrs. Cole, till Emily came, and told us the company was met, and waited for us. +</p> + +<p> +Mrs. Cole on this, taking me by the hand, with a smile of encouragement, led me +up stairs, preceded by Louisa, who was come to hasten us, and lighted us with +two candles, one in each hand. +</p> + +<p> +On the landing-place of the first pair of stairs, we were met by a young +gentleman, extremely well dressed, and a very pretty figure, to whom I was to +be indebted for the first essay of the pleasures of the house. He saluted me +with great gallantry, and handed me into the drawing room, the floor of which +was overspread with a Turkey carpet, and all its furniture voluptuously adapted +to every demand of the most studied luxury; now too it was, by means of a +profuse illumination, enlivened by a light scarce inferior, and perhaps more +favourable to joy, more tenderly pleasing, than that of broad sunshine. +</p> + +<p> +On my entrance into the room, I had the satisfaction! to hear a buzz of +approbation run through the whole company, which now consisted of four +gentlemen, including my particular (this was the cant term of the house for +one’s gallant for the time), the three young-women, in a neat flowing +dishabille, the mistress of the academy, and myself. I was welcomed and saluted +by a kiss all round, in which, however, it was easy to discover, in the +superior warmth of that of the men, the distinction of the sexes. +</p> + +<p> +Awed, and confounded as I was, at seeing myself surrounded, caressed, and made +court to by so many strangers, I could not immediately familiarize myself to +all that air of gaiety and joy, which dictated their compliments, and animated +their caresses. +</p> + +<p> +They assured me that I was so perfectly to their taste, as to have but one +fault against me, which I might easily be cured of, and that was my modesty: +this, they observed, might pass for a beauty the more with those who wanted it +for a heightener; but their maxim was, that it was an impertinent mixture, and +dashed the cup so as to spoil the sincere draught of pleasure; they considered +it accordingly as their mortal enemy, and gave it no quarter wherever they met +with it. This was a prologue not unworthy of the revels that ensued. +</p> + +<p> +In the midst of all the frolic and wantonness, which this joyous band had +presently, and all naturally, run into, an elegant supper was served in, and we +sat down to it, my spark elect placing himself next to me, and the other +couples without order or ceremony. The delicate cheer and good wine soon +banished all reserve; the conversation grew as lively as could be wished, +without taking too loose a turn: these professors of pleasure knew too well, +how to stale impressions of it, or evaporate the imagination of words, before +the time of action. Kisses however were snatched at times, or where a +handkerchief round the neck interposed its feeble barrier, it was not extremely +respected: the hands of the men went to work with their usual petulance, till +the provocation on both sides rose to such a pitch, that my particulars’s +proposal for beginning the country dances was received with instant assent: +for, as he laughingly added, he fancied the instruments were in tune. This was +a signal for preparation, that the complaisant Mrs. Cole, who understood life, +took for her cue of disappearing; no longer so fit for personal service +herself, and content with having settled the order of battle, she left us the +field, to fight it out at discretion. +</p> + +<p> +As soon as she was gone, the table was removed from the middle, and became a +side-board; a couch was brought into its place, of which when I whisperingly +inquired the reason, of my particular, he told me, “that as it was +chiefly on my account that his convention was met, the parties intended at once +to humour their taste of variety in pleasures, and by an open public enjoyment, +to see me broke of any taint of reserve or modesty, which they looked on as the +poison of joy; that though they occasionally preached pleasure, and lived up to +the text, they did not enthusiastically set up for missionaries, and only +indulged themselves in the delights of a practical instruction of all the +pretty women they liked well enough to bestow it upon, and who fell properly in +the way of it; but that as such a proposal might be too violent, too shocking +for a young beginner, the old standers were to set an example, which he hoped I +would not be averse to follow, since it was to him I was devolved in favour of +the first experiment; but that still I was perfectly at my liberty to refuse +the party, which being in its nature one of pleasure, supposed an exclusion of +all force or constraint.” +</p> + +<p> +My countenance expressed, no doubt, my surprise as my silence did my +acquiescence. I was now embarked, and thoroughly determined on any voyage the +company would take me on. +</p> + +<p> +The first that stood up, to open the ball, were a cornet of horse, and that +sweetest of olive-beauties, the soft and amorous Louisa. He led her to the +couch (nothing loth), on which he gave her the fall, and extended her at length +with an air of roughness and vigour, relishing high of amorous eagerness and +impatience. The girl, spreading herself to the best advantage, with her head +upon the pillow, was so concentered in that she was about, that our presence +was the least of her care and concern. Her petticoats, thrown up with her +shift, discovered to the company the finest turned legs and thighs that could +be imagined, and in broad display, that gave us a full view of that delicious +cleft of flesh, into which the pleasing hair, grown mount over it, parted and +presented a most inviting entrance, between two close hedges, delicately soft +and pouting. Her gallant was now ready, having disencumbered himself from his +clothes, overloaded with lace, and presently, his shirt removed, shewed us his +forces at high plight, bandied and ready for action. But giving us no time to +consider the dimensions, he threw himself instantly over his charming +antagonist who received him as he pushed at once dead at mark, like a heroine, +without flinching; for surely never was girl constitutionally truer to the +taste of joy, or sincerer in the expressions of its sensations, than she was: +we could observe pleasure lighten in her eyes, as he introduced his +plenipotentiary instrument into her; till, at length, having indulged her to +its utmost reach, its irritations grew so violent, and gave her the spurs so +furiously, that collected within herself, and lost to every thing but the +enjoyment of her favourite feelings, she retarded his thrusts with a just +concert of spring heaves, keeping time so exactly with the most pathetic sighs, +that one might have numbered the strokes in agitation by their distinct +murmurs, whilst her active limbs kept wreathing and intertwisting with his, in +convulsive folds: then the turtle-billing kisses, and the poignant painless +lovebites, which they both exchanged, in a rage of delight, all conspiring +towards the melting period. It soon came on, when Louisa, in the ravings of her +pleasure-frensy, impotent of all restraint, cried out: “Oh Sir!... Good +Sir! pray do not spare me! ah! ah!...” All her accents now faultering +into heart-fetched sighs, she closed her eyes in the sweet death, in the +instant of which we could easily see the signs in the quiet, dying, languid +posture of her late so furious driver, who was stopped of a sudden, breathing +short, panting, and, for that time, giving up the spirit of pleasure. As soon +as he was dismounted, Louisa sprung up, shook her petticoats, and running up to +me, gave me a kiss, and drew me to the side-board, to which she was herself +handed by her gallant, where they made me pledge them in a glass of wine, and +toast a droll health of Louisa’s proposal in high frolic. +</p> + +<p> +By this time the second couple was ready to enter the lists: which were a young +baronet, and that delicatest of charmers, the winning, tender Harriet. My +gentle esquire came to acquaint me with it, and brought me back to the scene of +action. +</p> + +<p> +And, surely, never did one of her profession accompany her dispositions, for +the barefaced part she was engaged to play, with such a peculiar grace of +sweetness, modesty and yielding coyness, as she did. All her air and motions +breathed only unreserved, unlimited complaisance without the least mixture of +impudence, or prostitution. But what was yet more surprising, her spark elect, +in the midst of the dissolution of a public open enjoyment, doated on her to +distraction, and had, by dint of love and sentiments, touched her heart, though +for a while the restraint of their engagement to the house laid him under a +kind of necessity of complying with an institution which himself had had the +greatest share establishing. +</p> + +<p> +Harriet was then led to the vacant couch by her gallant, blushing as she looked +at me, and with eyes made to justify any thing, tenderly bespeaking of me the +most favourable construction of the step she was thus irresistibly drawn into. +</p> + +<p> +Her lover, for such he was, sat her down at the foot of the couch, and passing +his arm round her neck, preluded with a kiss fervently applied to her lips, +that visibly gave her life and spirit to go through with the scene; and as he +kissed, he gently inclined her head, till it fell back on a pillow disposed to +receive it, and leaning himself down all the way with her, at once countenanced +and endeared her fall to her. There, as if he had guessed our wishes, or meant +to gratify at once his pleasure and his pride, in being the master, by the +title of present possession, of beauties delicate beyond imagination, he +discovered her breast to his own touch, and our common view; but oh! what +delicious manual of love devotion; how inimitable fine moulded! small, round, +firm, and excellently white; then the grain of their skin, so soothing, so +flattering to the touch! and of beauty. When he had feasted his eyes with the +their nipples, that crowned them, the sweetest buds touch and perusal, feasted +his lips with kisses of the highest relish, imprinted on those all delicious +twin-orbs, he proceeded downwards. +</p> + +<p> +Her legs still kept the ground; and now, with the tenderest attention not to +shock or alarm her too suddenly, he, by degrees, rather stole than rolled up +her petticoats; at which, as if a signal had been given, Louisa and Emily took +hold of her legs, in pure wantonness, and, in ease to her, kept them stretched +wide abroad. Then lay exposed, or, to speak more properly, displayed the +greatest parade in nature of female charms. The whole company, who, except +myself, had often seen them, seemed as much dazzled, surprised and delighted, +as any one could be who had now beheld them for the first time. Beauties so +excessive could not but enjoy the privileges of eternal novelty. Her thighs +were so exquisitely fashioned, that either more in, or more out of flesh than +they were, they would have declined from that point of perfection they +presented. But what infinitely enriched and adorned them, was the sweet +intersection formed, where they met, at the bottom of the smoothest, roundest, +whitest belly, by that central furrow which nature had sunk there, between the +soft relievo of two pouting ridges, and which, in this girl, was in perfect +symmetry of delicacy and miniature with the rest of her frame. No! nothing in +nature could be of a beautifuller cut; then, the dark umbrage of the downy +spring moss that over-arched it, bestowed, on the luxury of the landscape, a +touching warmth, a tender finishing, beyond the expression of words, or even +the paint of thought. +</p> + +<p> +Her truly enamoured gallant, who had stood absorbed and engrossed by the +pleasure of the sight long enough to afford us time to feast ours (no fear of +glutting!) addressed himself at length to the materials of enjoyment, and +lifting the linen veil that hung between us and his master member of the +revels, exhibited one whose eminent size proclaimed the owner a true +woman’s hero. He was, besides in every other respect, an accomplished +gentleman, and in the bloom and vigour of youth. Standing then between +Harriet’s legs, which were supported by her two companions at their +widest extension, with one hand he gently disclosed the lips of that luscious +mouth of nature, whilst with the other, he stooped his mighty machine to its +lure, from the height of his stiff stand-up towards his belly; the lips, kept +open by his fingers, received its broad shelving head of coral hue: and when he +had nestled it in, he hovered there a little, and the girls then delivered over +to his hips the agreeable office of supporting her thighs; and now, as if he +meant to spin out his pleasure, and give it the more play for its life, he +passed up his instrument so slow that we lost sight of it inch by inch, till at +length it was wholly taken into the soft laboratory of love, and the mossy +mounts of each fairly met together. In the mean time, we could plainly mark the +prodigious effect the progressions of this delightful energy wrought in this +delicious girl, gradually heightening her beauty as they heightened her +pleasure. Her countenance and whole frame grew more animated; the faint blush +of her cheeks, gaining ground on the white, deepened into a florid vivid +vermillion glow, her naturally brilliant eyes now sparkled with ten-fold +lustre; her languor was vanished, and she appeared quick, spirited and alive +all over. He had now fixed, nailed, this tender creature, with his home-driven +wedge, so that she lay passive by force, and unable to stir, till beginning to +play a strain of arms against this vein of delicacy, as he urged the to-and-fro +con-friction, he awakened, roused, and touched her so to the heart, that unable +to contain herself, she could not but reply to his motions, as briskly as her +nicety of frame would admit of, till the raging stings of the pleasure rising +towards the point, made her wild with the intolerable sensations of it, and she +now threw her legs and arms about at random, as she lay lost in the sweet +transport; which on his side declared itself by quicker, eager thrusts, +convulsive gasps, burning sighs, swift laborious breathing, eyes darting humid +fires: all faithful tokens of the imminent approaches of the last gasp of joy. +It came on at length: the baronet led the extasy, which she critically joined +in, as she felt the melting symptoms from him, in the nick of which, gluing +more ardently than ever his lips to hers, he shewed all the signs of that agony +of bliss being strong upon him, in which he gave her the finishing titillation; +inly thrilled with which, we saw plainly that she answered it down with all +effusion of spirit and matter she was mistress of, whilst a general soft +shudder ran through all her limbs, which she gave a stretch out, and lay +motionless, breathless, dying with dear delight; and in the height of its +expression, showing, through the nearly closed lids of her eyes, just the edges +of their black, the rest being rolled strongly upwards in their extasy; then +her sweet mouth appeared languishingly open, with the tip of her tongue +leaning negligently towards the lower range of her white teeth, whilst natural +ruby colour of her lips glowed with heightened life. Was not this a subject to +dwell upon? And accordingly her lover still kept on her, with an abiding +delectation, till compressed, squeezed and distilled to the last drop, he took +leave with one fervent kiss, expressing satisfied desires, but unextinguished +love. +</p> + +<p> +As soon as he was off, I ran to her, and sitting down on the couch by her, +rais’d her head, which she declined gently, and hung on my bosom, to hide +her blushes and confusion at what had passed, till by degrees she re-composed +herself, and accepted of a restorative glass of wine from my spark, who had +left me to fetch it to her, whilst her own was readjusting his affaire and +buttoning up; after which he led her, leaning languishingly upon him, to oar +stand of view round the couch. +</p> + +<p> +And now Emily’s partner had taken her out for her share in the dance, +when this transcendently fair and sweet tempered creature readily stood up; and +if a complexion to put the rose and lily out of countenance, extreme pretty +features, and that florid health and bloom for which the country girls are so +lovely, might pass her for a beauty, this she certainly was, and one of the +most striking of the fair ones. +</p> + +<p> +Her gallant began first, as she stood, to disengage, her breasts, and restore +them to the liberty of nature, from the easy confinement of no more than a pair +of jumps; but on their coming out to view, we thought a new light was added to +the room, so superiourly shining was their whiteness; then they rose in so +happy a swell as to compose her a well horned fullness of bosom, that had such +an effect on the eye as to seem flash hardened into marble, of which it +emulated the polished gloss, and far surpassed even the whitest, in the life +and lustre of its colours, white weined with blue. Who could refrain from such +provoking enticements in reach? he touched her breasts, first lightly, when the +glossy smoothness of the skin eluded his hand, and made it slip along the +surface; he pressed them, and the springy flesh that filled them, thus pitted +by force, rose again reboundingly with his hand, and on the instant defaced the +pressure: and alike indeed was the consistence of all those parts of her body +throughout, where the fulness of flesh compacts and constitutes all that fine +firmness which the touch is so highly attached to. When he had thus largely +pleased himself with this branch of dalliance and delight, he trussed up her +petticoat and shift, in a wisp to her waist, where being tucked in, she stood +fairly naked on every side; a blush at this overspread her lovely face, and her +eyes downcast to the ground, seemed to be for quarter, when she had so great a +right to triumph in all the treasures of youth and beauty that she now so +victoriously displayed. Her legs were perfectly well shaped and her thighs, +which she kept pretty close, shewed so white, so round, so substantial and +abounding in firm flesh, that nothing could afford a stronger recommendation to +the luxury of the touch, which he accordingly did not fail to indulge in. Then +gently removing her hand, which in the first emotion of natural modesty, she +had carried thither, he gave us rather a glimpse than a view of that soft +narrow chink running its little length downwards, and hiding the remains of it +between her thighs; but plain was to be seen the fringe of light-brown curls, +in beauteous growth over it, that with their silk gloss created a pleasing +variety from the surrounding white, whose lustre too, their gentle embrowning +shade, considerably raised. Her spark then endeavoured, as she stood, by +disclosing her thighs, to gain us a completer sight of that central charm of +attraction, but not obtaining it so conveniently in that attitude, he led her +to the foot of the couch, and bringing it to one of the pillows gently inclined +her head down, so that as she leaned with it over her crossed hands, straddling +with her thighs wide spread, and jutting her body out, she presented a full +back view of her person, naked to her waist. Her posteriors, plump, smooth, and +prominent, formed luxuriant tracts of animated snow, that splendidly filled the +eye, till it was commanded down the parting or separation of those exquisitely +white cliffs, by their narrow vale, and was there stopt, and attracted by the +embowered bottom-savity, that terminated this delightful vista and stood +moderately gaping from the influence of her bended posture, so that the +agreeable interior red of the sides of the orifice came into view, and with +respect to the white that dazzled round it, gave somewhat the idea of a pink +slash in the glossiest white satin. Her gallant, who was a gentleman about +thirty, somewhat inclined to a fatness that was in no sort displeasing, +improving the hint thus tendered him of this mode of enjoyment, after setting +her well in this posture, and encouraging her with kisses and caresses to stand +him thro’, drew out his affair ready erected, and whose extreme length, +rather disproportioned to its breadth, was the more surprising, as that excess +is not often the case with those of his corpulent habit; making then the right +and direct application, he drove it up to the guard, whilst the round bulge of +those Turkish beauties of her’s, tallying with the hollow made with the +bent of his belly and thighs, as he curved inwards, brought all those parts, +surely not un-delightfully, into warm touch, and close conjunction; his hands +he kept passing round her body, and employed in toying with her enchanting +breasts. As soon too as she felt him at home as he could reach, she lifted her +head a little from the pillow, and turning her neck, without much straining, +but her cheeks glowing with the deepest scarlet, and a smile of the tenderest +satisfaction, met the kiss he pressed forward to give her as they were thus +close joined together: when leaving him to pursue his delights, she hid again +her face and blushes with her hands and pillow, and thus stood passively and as +favourably too as she could, whilst he kept laying at her with repeated thrusts +and making the meeting flesh on both sides resound again with the violence of +them; then ever as he backened from her, we could see between them part of his +long white staff foamingly in motion, till, as he went on again and closed with +her, the interposing hillocks took it out of sight. Sometimes he took his hands +from the semi-globes of her bosom, and transferred the pressure of them to +those large ones, the present subjects of his soft blockade, which he squeezed, +grasped and played with, till at length in pursuit of driving, so hotly urged, +brought on the height of the fit, with such overpowering pleasure, that his +fair partner became now necessary to support him, panting, fainting and dying +as he discharged; which she no sooner felt the killing sweetness of, than +unable to keep her legs, and yielding to the mighty intoxication, she reeld, +and falling forward on the couch, made it a necessity for him, if he would +preserve the warm-pleasure hold, to fall upon her, where they perfected, in a +continued conjunction of body and ecstatic flow, their scheme of joys for that +time. +</p> + +<p> +As soon as he had disengaged, the charming Emily got up, and we crowded round +her with congratulations and other officious little services; for it is to be +noted, that though all modesty and reserve were banished from the transaction +of these pleasures, good manners and politeness were inviolably observed: there +was no gross ribaldry, no offensive or rude behaviour, or ungenerous reproaches +to the girls for their compliance with the humours and desires of the men. On +the contrary, nothing was wanting to soothe, encourage, and soften the sense of +their condition to them. Men know not in general how much they destroy of their +own pleasure, when they break through the respect and tenderness due to our +sex, and even to those of it who live only by pleasing them. And this was a +maxim perfectly well understood by these polite voluptuaries, these profound +adepts in the great art and science of pleasure, who never shewed these +votaries of theirs a more tender respect than at the time of those exercises of +their complaisance, when they unlocked their treasures of concealed beauty, and +shewed out in the pride of their native charms, ever more touching surely than +when they parade it in the artificial ones of dress and ornament. +</p> + +<p> +The frolic was now come round to me, and it being my turn of subscription to +the will and pleasure of my particular elect, as well as to that of the +company, he came to me, and saluting me very tenderly, with a flattering +eagerness, put me in mind of the compliances my presence there authorized the +hopes of, and at the same time repeated to me, “that if all this force of +example had not surmounted any repugnance I might have to concur with the +humours and desires of the company, that though the play was bespoke for my +benefit, and great as his own private disappointment might be, he would suffer +any thing, sooner than be the instrument of imposing a disagreeable +task.” +</p> + +<p> +To this I answered, without the least hesitation, or mincing grimace, +“that had I not even contracted a kind of engagement to be at his +disposal without the least reserve, the example of such agreeable companions +would alone determine me, and that I was in no pain about any thing but my +appearing to so great a disadvantage after such superior beauties.” And +take notice that I thought, as I spoke. The frankness of the answer pleased +them all; my particular was complimented on his acquisition, and, by way of +indirect flattery to me, openly envied me. +</p> + +<p> +Mrs. Cole, by the way, could not have given me a greater mark of her regard +than in managing for me the choice of this young gentleman for my master of the +ceremonies: for, independent of his noble birth and the great fortune he was +heir to, his person was even uncommonly pleasing, well shaped and tall; his +face marked with the small-pox, but no more than what added a grace of more +manliness to features rather turned to softness and delicacy, was marvellously +enlivened by eyes which were of the clearest sparkling black; in short he was +one whom any woman would, in the familiar style, ready call a very pretty +fellow. +</p> + +<p> +I was now handed by him to the cockpit of our match, where, as I was dressed in +nothing but a white morning gown, he vouchsafed to play the male Abigail on +this occasion, and spared me the confusion that would have attended the +forwardness of undressing myself: my gown then was loosen’d in a trice, +and I divested of it; my stays next offered an obstacle which readily gave way, +Louisa very readily furnished a pair of scissors to cut the lace; off went that +shell and dropping my uppercoat, I was reduced to my under one and my shift, +the open bosom of which gave the hands and eyes all the liberty they could +wish. Here I imagined the stripping was to stop, but I reckon short; my spark, +at the desire of the rest, tenderly begged, that I would not suffer the small +remains of a covering to rob them of a full view of my whole person; and for +me, who was too flexibly obsequious to dispute any point with them, and who +considered the little more that remained as very immaterial, I readily assented +to whatever he pleased-In an instant, then, my under petticoat was untied and +at my feet, and my shift drawn over my head, so that my cap, slightly fastened, +came off with it, and brought all my hair down (of which, be it again +remembered without vanity, that I had a very fine head) in loose disorderly +ringlets, over my neck and shoulders, to the no unfavourable set-off of my +skin. +</p> + +<p> +I now stood before my judges in all the truth of nature, to whom I could not +appear a very disagreeable figure, if you please to recollect what I have +beforesaid of my person, which time, that at certain periods of life robs use +every instant of our charms, had, at that of mine, then greatly improved into +full and open, bloom, for I wanted some months of eighteen. My breasts, which +in the state of nudity are ever capital points, now in no more than in graceful +plenitude, maintained a firmness and steady independence of any stay or +support, that dared and invited the test of the touch. Then I was as tall, as +slim-shaped as could be consistent with all that juicy plumpness of flesh, ever +the most grateful to the senses of sight and touch, which I owed to the health +and youth of my constitution. I had not, however, so thoroughly renounced all +innate shame, as not to suffer great confusion at the state I saw myself in; +but the whole troop round me, men and women, relieved me with every mark of +applause and satisfaction, even flattering attention to raise and inspire me +with even sentiments of pride on the figure I made, which my friend gallantly +protested, infinitely outshone all other birthday finery whatever; so that had +I leave to set down, for sincere, all the compliments these connoisseurs +overwhelmed me with upon this occasion, I might flatter myself with having +passed my examination with the approbation of the learned. +</p> + +<p> +My friend, however, who for this time had alone the disposal of me, humoured +their curiosity, and perhaps his own, so far, that he placed me in all the +variety of postures and lights imaginable, pointing out every beauty under +every aspect of it, not without such parentheses, of kisses, such inflammatory +liberties of his roving hands, as made all shame fly before them, and a +blushing glow give place to a warmer one of desire, which led me even to find +some relish in the present scene. +</p> + +<p> +But in this general survey, you may be sure, the most material spot of me was +not excused the strictest visitation; nor was it but agreed, that I had not the +least reason to be diffident of passing even for a maid, on occasion; so +inconsiderable a flaw had my preceding adventures created there, and so soon +had the blemish of an over-stretch been repaired and worn out at any age, and +in my naturally small make in that part. +</p> + +<p> +Now, whether my partner had exhausted all the modes of regaling the touch or +sight, or whether he was now ungovernably wound up to strike, I know not; but +briskly throwing off his clothes, the prodigious heat bred by a close room, a +great fire, numerous candles, and even the inflammatory warmth of these scenes, +induced him to lay aside his shirt too, when his breeches, before loosened, now +gave up their contents to view, and shew’d in front the enemy I had to +engage with, stiffly bearing up the port of its head unhooded, and glowing red. +Then I plainly saw what I had to trust to: it was one of those just true-sized +instruments, of which the masters have a better command than the more unwieldy, +inordinate sized one are generally under. Straining me then close to his bosom, +as he stood up foreright against me, and applying to the obvious niche its +peculiar idol, he aimed at inserting it, which, as I forwardly favoured, he +effected at once, by canting up my thighs over his naked hips, and made me +receive every inch, and close home; so-that stuck upon the pleasure-pivot, add +clinging round his neck, in which and in his hair I hid my face, burn-ingly +flushing with present feeling as much as with shame, my bosom glued to him; he +carried me once round the couch, on which he then, without quitting the +middle-fastness, or dischannelling, laid me down, and began with +pleasure-grist. But so provokingly predisposed and primed as we were, by all +the moving sights of the night, our imagination was too much heated not to melt +us of the soonest; and accordingly I no sooner felt the warm spray darted up my +inwards from him, but I was punctually on flow, to share the momentary extasy; +but I had yet greater reason to boast of our harmony: for finding that all the +flames of desire were not yet quenched within me, but that rather, like wetted +coals, I glowed the fiercer for this sprinkling, my hot-mettled spark, +sympathizing with me, and loaded for a double fire, recontinued the sweet +battery with undying vigour; greatly encouraged to accommodate all my motions +to his best advantage and delight; kisses, squeezes, tender murmurs, all came +into play, till our joys growing more turbulent and riotous, threw us into a +fond disorder, and as they raged to a point, bore us far from our selves into +an ocean of boundless pleasures, into which we both plunged together in a +transport of taste. Now all the impressions of burning desire, from the lively +scenes I had been spectatress of, ripened the heat of this exercise, and +collecting to a head, throbbed and agitated me with insupportable irritations: +I perfectly fevered and maddened with their excess. I bid not now enjoy a calm +of reason enough to perceive, but I ecstatically, indeed, felt the power of such +rare and exquisite provocatives, as the examples of the night had proved +towards thus exalting our pleasures: which, with great joy, I sensibly found my +gallant shared in, by his nervous and home expressions of it: his eyes flashing +eloquent flames, his action infuriated with the stings of it, all conspiring to +raise my delight, by assuring me of his. Lifted then to the utmost pitch of joy +that human life can bear, undestroyed by excess, I touched that sweetly +critical point, whence scarce prevented by the injection from my partner, I +dissolved, and breaking out into a deep drawn sigh, sent my whole sensitive +soul down to that passage where escape was denied it, by its being so +deliciously plugged and choked up. Thus we lay a few blissful instants, +overpowered, still, and languid; till, as the sense of pleasure stagnated, we +recovered from our trance, and he slipt out of me, not however before he had +protested his extreme satisfaction by the tenderest kiss and embrace, as well +as by the most cordial expressions. +</p> + +<p> +The company, who had stood round us in a profound silence, when all was over, +helped me to hurry on my clothes in an instant, and complimented me on the +sincere homage they could not escape observing had been done as they termed +it—to the sovereignty of my charms, in my receiving a double payment of +tribute at one juncture. But my partner, now dressed again, signalized, above +all, a fondness unbated by the circumstance of recent enjoyment; the girls too +kissed and embraced me, assuring me that for that time, or indeed any other, +unless I pleased, I was to go through no farther public trials, and that I was +now consummatedly initiated, and one of them. +</p> + +<p> +As it was an inviolable law for every gallant to keep to his partner, for the +night especially, and even till he relinquished possession over to the +community, in order to preserve a pleasing property, and to avoid the disgusts +and indelicacy of another arrangement, the company, after a short refection of +biscuits and wine, tea and chocolate, served in at now about one in the +morning, broke up, and went off in pairs. Mrs. Cole had prepared my spark and +me an occasion field-bed, to which we retired, and there ended the night in one +continued strain of pleasure, sprightly and uncloyed enough for us not to have +formed one wish for its ever knowing an end. In the morning, after a +restorative breakfast in bed, he got up, and with very tender assurance of a +particular regard for me, left me to the composure and refreshment of a sweet +slumber; waking out of which, and getting up to dress before Mrs. Cole should +come in, I found in one of my pockets a purse of guineas, which he had slipt +there; and just as I was musing on a liberality I had certainly not expected, +Mrs. Cole came in, to whom I immediately communicated the present, and +naturally offered her whatever share she pleased: but assuring me that the +gentleman had very nobly rewarded her, she would on no terms, no entreaties, no +shape I could put it in, receive any part of it. Her denial, she observed, was +no affectation of grimace, and proceeded to read me such admirable lessons on +the economy of my person and my purse, as I became amply paid for my general +attention and conformity to in the course of my acquaintance with the town. +After which, changing the discourse, she fell on the pleasures of the preceding +night, where I learned, without much surprise, as I began to enter on her +character, that she had seen every thing that had passed, from a convenient +place managed solely for that purpose, and of which she readily made me the +confidante. +</p> + +<p> +She had scarce finished this, when the little troop of love girls, my +companions, broke in, and renewed their compliments and caresses. I observed +with pleasure, that the fatigues and exercises of the night had not usurped in +the least on the life of their complexion, or the freshness of their bloom: +this I found, by their confession, was owing to the management and advice of +our rare directress. They went down then to figure it, as usual, in the shop; +whilst I repaired to my lodging, where I employed myself till I returned to +dinner at Mrs. Cole’s. +</p> + +<p> +Here I staid in constant amusement, with one or other of these charming girls, +till about five in the evening; when seized with a sudden drowsy fit, I was +prevailed on to go up and doze it off on Harriet’s bed, who left me on it +to my repose. There then I laid down in my clothes, and fell fast asleep, and +had now enjoyed, by guess, about an hour’s rest, when I was pleasingly +disturbed by my new and favourite gallant, who, enquiring for me, was readily +directed where to find me. Coming then into my chamber, and seeing me lie +alone, with my face turned from the light towards the inside of the bed, he, +without more ado, just slipped off his breeches, for the greater ease and +enjoyment of the naked touch; and softly turning up my petticoats and shift +behind, opened the prospect of the back avenue to the genial seat of pleasure; +where, as I lay at my side length, inclining rather face downward, I appeared +full fair, and liable to be entered. Laying himself gently down by me, he +invested me behind, and giving me to feel the warmth of his body, as he applied +his thighs and belly close to me, and the endeavours of that machine, whose +touch has something so exquisitely singular in it, to make its way good into +me. I awaked pretty much startled at first, at seeing who it was, disposed +myself to turn to him, when he gave me a kiss, and desiring me to keep my +posture, just lifted up my upper thigh, and ascertaining the right opening, +soon drove it up to the farthest: satisfied with which, and solacing himself +with lying so close in those parts, he suspended motion, and thus steeped in +pleasure, kept me lying on my side, into him, spoon-fashion, as he termed it, +from the snug indent of the back part of my thighs, and all upwards, into the +space of the bending between his thighs and belly; till, after some time, that +restless and turbulent inmate, impatient by nature of longer quiet, urged him +to action, which now prosecuting with all the usual train of toying, kissing, +and the like, ended at length in the liquid proof on both sides, that we had +not exhausted, or at less were quickly recruited of last night’s draughts +of pleasure in us. +</p> + +<p> +With this noble and agreeable youth lived I in perfect joy and constancy. He +was full bent on keeping me to himself, for the honey-month at least; but his +stay in London was not even so long, his father, who had a post in Ireland, +taking him abruptly with him, on his repairing thither. Yet even then I was +near keeping hold of his affection and person, as he had proposed, and I had +consented to follow him in order to go to Ireland after him, as soon as he +could be settled there; but meeting with an agreeable and advantageous match in +that kingdom, he chose the wiser part, and forebore sending for me, but at the +same time took care that I should receive a very magnificent present, which did +not however compensate for all my deep regret on my loss of him. +</p> + +<p> +This event also created a chasm in our little society, which Mrs. Cole, on the +foot of her usual caution, was in no haste to fill up; but then it redoubled +her attention to procure me, in the advantages of a traffic for a counterfeit +maidenhead, some consolation for the sort of widowhood I had been left in; and +this was a scheme she had never lost prospect of, and only waited for a proper +person to bring it to bear with. +</p> + +<p> +But I was, it seems, fated to be my own caterer in this, as I had been in my +first trial of the market. +</p> + +<p> +I had now passed near a month in the enjoyment of all the pleasures of +familiarity and society with my companions, whose particular favourites (the +baronet excepted, who soon after took Harriet home) had all, on the terms of +community established in the house, solicited the gratification of their taste +for variety in my embraces; but I had with the utmost art and address, on +various pretexts, eluded their pursuit, without giving them cause to complain; +and this reserve I used neither out of dislike of them, nor disgust of the +thing, but my true reason was my attachment to my own, and my tenderness of +invading the choice of my companions, who outwardly exempt, as they seemed, +from jealousy, could not but in secret like me the better for the regard I had +for, without making a merit of it to them. Thus easy, and beloved by the whole +family, did I get on; when one day, that, about five in the afternoon, I +stepped over to a fruit shop in Covent Garden, to pick some table fruit for +myself and the young women, I met with the following adventure. +</p> + +<p> +Whilst I was chaffering for the fruit I wanted, I observed myself followed by a +young gentleman, whose rich dress first attracted my notice; for the rest, he +had nothing remarkable in his person, except that he was pale, thin-made, and +ventured himself upon legs rather of the slenderest. Easy was it to perceive, +without seeming to perceive it, that it was me he wanted to be at; and keeping +his eyes fixed on me, till he came to the same basket that I stood at, and +cheapening, or rather giving the first price asked for the fruit, began his +approaches. Now most certainly I was not at all out of figure to pass for a +modest girl. I had neither the feathers, nor fumet of a taudry town-miss: a +straw hat, a white gown, clean linen, and above all, a certain natural and easy +air of modesty (which the appearances of never forsook me, even on those +occasions that I most broke in upon it, in practice) were all signs that gave +him no opening to conjecture my condition. He spoke to me; and this address +from a stranger throwing a blush into my cheeks, that still set him wider of +the truth, I answered him, with an awkwardness and confusion the more apt to +impose, as there really was a mixture of the genuine in them. But when +proceeding, on the foot of having broken the ice, to join discourse, he went +into other leading questions, I put so much innocence, simplicity, and even +childishness, into my answers, that on no better foundation, liking my person +as he did, I will not answer for it, he would have been sworn for my modesty. +There is, in short, in the men, when once they are caught, by the eye +especially, a fund of cullibility that their lordly wisdom little dreams of, +and in virtue of which the most sagacious of them are seen so often our dupes. +Amongst other queries he put to me, one was, whether I was married? I replied, +that I was too young to think of that this many a year. To that of my age, I +answered, and sunk a year upon him, passing myself for not above seventeen. As +to my way of life, I told him I had served an apprenticeship to a milliner in +Preston, and was come to town after a relation, that I had found, on my +arrival, was dead, and now lived journey-woman to a milliner in town. That last +article, indeed, was not much of the side of what I pretended to pass for; but +it did pass, under favour of the growing passion I had inspired him with. After +he had next got out of me, very dexterously as he thought, what I had no sort +of design to make reserve of, my own, my mistress’s name, and place of +abode, he loaded me with fruit, all the rarest and dearest he could pick out +and sent me home, pondering on what might be the consequence of this adventure. +</p> + +<p> +As soon then as I came to Mrs. Cole’s, I related to her all that passed, +on which she very judiciously concluded, that if he did not come after me there +was no harm done, and that, if he did, as her presage suggested to her he +would, his character and his views should be well sifted, so as to know whether +the game was worth the springes; that in the mean time nothing was easier than +my part in it, since no more rested on me than to follow her cue and +promptership throughout, till the last act. +</p> + +<p> +The next morning, after an evening spent on his side, as we afterwards learnt, +in perquisitions into Mrs. Cole’s character in the neighbourhood (than +which nothing could be more favourable to her designs upon him), my gentleman +came in his chariot to the shop, where Mrs. Cole alone had an inkling of his +errand. Asking then for her, he easily made a beginning of acquaintance by +bespeaking some millinery ware; when, as I sat without lifting my eyes, and +pursuing the hem of a ruffle with the utmost composure and simplicity of +industry, Mrs. Cole took notice, that the first impressions I made on him ran +no risk of being destroyed by those of Louisa and Emily, who were then sitting +at work by me. After vainly endeavouring to catch my eyes in rencounter with +him (I held my head down, affecting a kind of consciousness of guilt for +having, by speaking to him given him encouragement and means of following me), +and after giving Mrs. Cole direction when to bring the things home herself, and +the time he should expect them, he went out, taking with him some goods, that +he paid for liberally, for the better grace of his introduction. +</p> + +<p> +The girls all this time did not in the least smoak the mystery of this new +customer; but Mrs. Cole, as soon as we were conveniently alone, insured me, in +virtue of her long experience in these matters, “that for this bout my +charms had not missed fire; for by his eagerness, his manner and looks, she was +sure he had it: the only point now in doubt was his character and +circumstances, which her knowledge of the town would soon gain her the +sufficient acquaintance with, to take measure upon.” +</p> + +<p> +And effectively, in a few hours, her intelligence served her so well, that she +learned that this conquest of mine was no other than Mr. Norbert, a gentleman +originally of great fortune, which, with a constitution naturally not the best, +he had vastly impaired by his over-violent pursuit of the vices of the town; in +the course of which, having worn out and staled all the more common modes of +debauchery, he had fallen into a taste of maiden-hunting; in which chase he had +ruined a number of girls, sparing no expense to compass his ends, and generally +using them well till tired, or cooled by enjoying, or springing a new face, he +could with more ease disembarrass himself of the old ones, and resign them to +their fate, as his sphere of achievements of that sort lay only amongst such as +he could proceed with by way of bargain and sale. +</p> + +<p> +Concluding from these premises, Mrs. Cole observed, that a character of this +sort was ever a lawful prize; that the sin would be, not to make the best of +our market of him; and that she thought such a girl as I only too good for him +at any rate, and on any terms. +</p> + +<p> +She went then, at the hour appointed, to his lodgings in one of our inns of +court, which were furnished in a taste of grandeur that had a special eye to +all the conveniences of luxury and pleasure. Here she found him in ready +waiting; and after finishing her business of pretence, and a long conduit of +discussions concerning her trade, which she said was very bad, the qualities of +her servants, apprentices, journey-women, the discourse naturally landed at +length on me, when Mrs. Cole, acting admirably the good old prating gossip, who +lets every thing escape her when her tongue is set in motion, cooked him up a +story so plausible of me, throwing in every now and then such strokes of art, +with all the simplest air of nature, in praise of my person and temper, as +finished him finely for her purpose, whilst nothing could be better +counterfeited than her innocence of his. But when now fired and on edge, he +proceeded to drop hints of his design and views upon me, after he had with much +confusion and pains brought her to the point (she kept as long aloof from it as +she thought proper) of understanding him, without now affecting to pass for a +dragoness of virtue, by flying out into those violent and ever suspicious +passions, she stuck with the better grace and effect to the character of a +plain, good sort of woman, that knew no harm, and that getting her bread in an +honest way, was made of stuff easy and flexible enough to be wrought to his +ends, by his superior skill and address; but, however, she managed so artfully +that three or four meetings took place, before he could obtain the least +favourable hope of her assistance; without which, he had, by a number of +fruitless messages, letters, and other direct trials of my disposition, +convinced himself there was no coming at me, all which too raised at once my +character and price with him. +</p> + +<p> +Regardful, however, of not carrying these difficulties to such a length as +might afford time for starting discoveries, or incidents, unfavourable to her +plan, she at last pretended to be won over by mere dint of entreaties, +promises, and, above all, by the dazzling sum she took care to wind him up to +the specification of, when it was now even a piece of art to feign, at once, a +yielding to the allurements of a great interest, as a pretext for her yielding +at all, and the manner of it such as might persuade him she had never dipped +her virtuous fingers in an affair of that sort. +</p> + +<p> +Thus she led him through all the gradations of difficulty, and obstacles, +necessary to enhance the value of the prize he aimed at; and in conclusion, he +was so struck with the little beauty I was mistress of, and so eagerly bent on +gaining his ends of me, that he left her no room to boast of her management in +bringing him up to her mark, he drove so plump of himself into every thing +tending to make him swallow the bait. Not but, in other respects, Mr. Norbert +was not clear sighted enough, or that he did not perfectly know the town, and +even by experience, the very branch of imposition now in practice upon him: but +we had his passion our friend so much, he was so blinded and hurried on by it, +that he would have thought any undeception a very ill office done to his +pleasure. Thus concurring, even precipitately, to the point she wanted him at, +Mrs. Cole brought him at last to hug himself on the cheap bargain he considered +the purchase of my imaginary jewel was to him, at no more than three hundred +guineas to myself, and a hundred to the brokers: being a slender recompense for +all her pains, and all the scruples of conscience she had now sacrificed to him +for this first time of her life; which sums were to be paid down on the nail, +upon delivery of my person, exclusive of some no inconsiderable presents that +had been made in the course of the negociation: during which I had +occasionally, but sparingly been introduced into his company, at proper times +and hours; in which it is incredible how little it seemed necessary to strain +my natural disposition to modesty higher, in order to pass it upon him for that +a very maid: all my looks and gestures ever breathing nothing but that +innocence which the men so ardently require in us, for no other end than to +feast themselves with the pleasure of destroying it, and which they are so +grievously, with all their skill, subject to mistakes in. +</p> + +<p> +When the articles of the treaty had been fully agreed on, the stipulated +payments duly secured, and nothing now remained but the execution of the main +point, which centered in the surrender of my person up to his free disposal and +use, Mrs. Cole managed her objections, especially to his lodgings, and +insinuations so nicely, that it became his own mere notion and urgent request, +that this copy of a wedding should be finished at her house: “At first, +indeed, she did not care, not she, to have such doings in it... she would not +for a thousand pounds have any of the servants or apprentices know it... her +precious good name would be gone for ever...,” with the like excuses. +However, on superior objections to all other expedients, whilst she took care +to start none but those which were most liable to them it came round at last to +the necessity of her obliging him in that conveniency, and of doing a little +more where she had already done so much. +</p> + +<p> +The night then was fixed, with all possible respect to the eagerness of his +impatience, and in the mean time Mrs. Cole had omitted no instructions, nor +even neglected any preparation, that might enable me to come off with honour, +in regard to the appearance of my virginity, except that, favoured as I was by +nature with all the narrowness of stricture in that part requisite to conduct +my designs, I had no occasion to borrow those auxiliaries of art that create a +momentary one, easily discovered by the test of a warm bath; and as to the +usual sanguinary symptoms of defloration, which, if not always, are generally +attendants on it, Mrs. Cole had made me the mistress of an invention of her +own, which could hardly miss its effect, and of which more in its place. +</p> + +<p> +Every thing then being disposed and fixed for Mr. Norbert’s reception, he +was, at the hour of eleven at night, with all the mysteries of silence and +secrecy, let in by Mrs. Cole herself, and introduced into her bedchamber, +where, in an old-fashioned bed of her’s, I lay, fully undressed, and +panting, if not with the fears of a real maid, at least with those perhaps +greater of a dissembled one which gave me an air of confusion and bashfulness +that maiden-modesty had all the honour of, and was indeed scarce +distinguishable from it, even by less partial eyes than those of my lover: so +let me call him, for I ever thought the term “cully” too cruel a +reproach to the men, for their abused weakness for us. +</p> + +<p> +As soon as Mrs. Cole, after the old gossipery, on these occasions, used to +young women abandoned for the first time to the will of man, had left us alone +in her room, which, by the bye was well lighted up, at his previous desire, +that seemed to bode a stricter examination than he afterwards made, Mr. +Norbert, still dressed, sprung towards the bed, where I got my head under the +clothes, and defended them a good while before he could even get at my lips, to +kiss them: so true it is, that a false virtue, on this occasion, even makes +& greater rout and resistance than a true one. From thence he descended to +my breasts, the feel I disputed tooth and nail with him till tired with my +resistance, and thinking probable to give a better account to me, he hurried +his clothes off in an instant, and came into bed. +</p> + +<p> +Mean while by the glimpse I stole of him, I could easily discover a person far +from promising any such doughty performances as the storming of maidenheads +generally requires, and whose flimsy consumptive texture gave him more the air +of an invalid that was pressed, than of a volunteer, on such hot service. +</p> + +<p> +At scarce thirty he had already reduced his strength of appetite down to a +wretched dependance on forced provocatives, very little seconded by the natural +power of a body jaded, and racked off to the less by constant repeated over +draughts of pleasure, which had done the work of sixty winters on his springs +of live: leaving him at the same time all the fire and head of youth in his +imagination, which served at once to torment and spur him down the precipice. +</p> + +<p> +As soon as he was in bed, he threw off the bedclothes, which I suffered him to +force from my hold, and I now lay as exposed as he could wish, not only to his +attacks, but his visitation of the sheets; where in the various agitations of +the body, through my endeavours to defend myself, he could easily assure +himself there was no preparation, though, to do him justice, he seemed a less +strict examinant than I had apprehended from so experienced a practitioner. My +shift then he fairly tore open, finding I made too much use of it to barricade +my breasts, as well as the more important avenue: yet in every thing else he +proceeded with all the marks of tenderness and regard to me, whilst the art of +my play was to shew none for him, I acted them all the niceties, apprehensions, +and terrors, supposable for a girl perfectly innocent to feel, at so great a +novelty as a naked man in bed with her for the first time. He scarce even +obtained a kiss but what he ravished; I put his hand away twenty times from my +breasts, where he had satisfied himself of their hardness and consistence, with +passing for hitherto unhandled goods. But when grown impatient upon the main +point, he now threw himself upon me, and first trying to examine me with his +finger, sought to make himself further way, I complained of his usage bitterly: +“I thought he would not have served a body so... I was ruined... I did +not know what I had done..., I would get up, so I would...;” and at the +same time kept my thighs so fast locked, that it was not for strength like his +to force them open, or do any good. Finding thus my advantages, and that I had +both my own and his motions at command, the deceiving him came so easy, that it +was perfectly playing upon velvet. In the mean time his machine, which was one +of those sizes that slip in and out without being minded, kept pretty stiffly +bearing against that part, which the shutting my thighs barred access to; but +finding, at length he could do no good by mere dint of bodily strength, he +resorted to entreaties and arguments: to which I only answered, with a tone of +shame and timidity, “that I was afraid he would kill me... Lord!..., +would not be served so... I was never so used in all my born days..., I +wondered he was not ashamed of himself, so I did...,” with such silly +infantine moods of repulse and complaint as I judged best adapted to express +the character of innocence, and affright. Pretending, however, to yield at +length to the vehemence of his insistence, in action and words, I sparing +disclosed my thighs, so that he could just touch the cloven inlet with the tip +of his instrument: but as he fatigued and toiled to get in, a twist of my body, +so as to receive it obliquely, not only thwarted his admission, but giving a +scream, as if he had pierced me to the heart, I shook him off me, with such +violence that he could not with all his might to it, keep the saddle: vexed +indeed at this he seemed, but not in the style of displeasure with me for my +skittishness; on the contrary, I dare swear he held me the dearer, and hugged +himself for the difficulties that even hurt his instant pleasure. Fired, +however, now beyond all bearance of delay, he remounts, and begged of me to +have patience, stroking and soothing me to it by all the tenderest endearments +and protestations of what he would moreover do for me; at which, feigning to be +somewhat softened, and abating of the anger that I had shewn at his hurting me +so prodigiously, I suffered him to lay my thighs aside, and make way for a new +trial; but I watched the directions and management of his point so well, that +no sooner was the orifice in the least open to it, but I gave such a timely +jerk as seemed to proceed not from the evasion of his entry, but from the pain +his efforts at it put me to: a circumstance too that I did not fail to +accompany with proper gestures, sighs and cries of complaint, of which, +“that he had hurt me... he killed me... I should die...,” were the +most frequent interjections. But now, after repeated attempts, in which he had +not made the least impression towards gaining his point, at least for that +time, the pleasure rose so fast upon him, that he could not check or delay it, +and in the vigour and fury which the approaches of the height of it inspired +him, he made one fierce-thrust, that had almost put me by my guard, and lodged +it so far that I could feel the warm inspersion just within the exterior +orifice, which I had the cruelty not to let him finish there, but threw him out +again, not without a most piercing loud exclamation, as if the pain had put me +beyond all regard of being overheard. It was then easy to observe that he was +more satisfied, more highly pleased with the supposed motives of his baulk of +consummation, than he would have-been at the full attainment of it. It was on +this foot that I solved to myself all the falsity I employed to procure him +that blissful pleasure in it, which most certainly he would not have tasted in +the truth of things. Eased, however, and relieved by one discharge, he now +applied himself to sooth, encourage, and to put me into humour and patience to +bear his next attempt, which he began to prepare and gather force for, from all +the incentives of the touch and sight which he could think of, by examining +every individual part of my whole body, which he declared his satisfaction +with, in raptures of applause, kisses universally imprinted, and sparing no +part of me, in all the eagerest wantonness of feeling, seeing, and toying. His +vigour, however, did not return so soon, and I felt him more than once pushing +at the door, but so little in a condition to break in, that I question whether +he had the power to enter, had I held it ever so open; but this he then thought +me too little acquainted with the nature of things, to have any regret or +confusion about, and he kept fatiguing himself and me for a long time, before +he was in any state to resume his attacks with any prospect of success and then +I breathed him so warmly, and kept him so at bay, that before he had made any +sensible progress in point of penetration, he was deliciously sweated, and +wearied out indeed: so that it was deep in the morning before he achieved his +second let-go, about half way of entrance, I all the while crying and +complaining of his prodigious vigour, and the immensity of what I appeared to +suffer splitting up with. Tired, however, at length, with such athletic +drudgery, my champion began now to give out, and to gladly embrace the +refreshment of some rest. Kissing me then with much affection, and recommending +me to my repose, he presently fell fast asleep, which, as soon as I had well +satisfied myself of, I with much composure of body, so as not to wake him by +any motion, with much ease and safety too, played of Mrs. Cole’s device +for perfecting the signs of my virginity. In each of the head bed-posts, just +above where the bedsteads are inserted into them, there was a small drawer, so +artfully adapted to the mouldings of the timber-work, that it might have +escaped even the most curious search: which drawers were easily opened or shut +by the touch of a spring, and were fitted each with a shallow glass tumbler, +full of a prepared fluid blood, in which lay soaked, for ready use, a sponge, +that required no more than gently reaching the hand to it, taking it out and +properly squeezing between the thighs, when it yelded a great deal more of the +red liquid than would save a girl’s honour; after which, replacing it, +and touching the spring, all possibility of discovery, or even of suspicion, +was taken away; and this was not the work of the fourth part of a minute, and +of which ever side one lay, the thing was equally easy and practicable, by the +double care taken to have each bed-post provided alike. True it is, that had he +waked and caught me in the act, it would at least have covered me with shame +and confusion; but them, that he did not, was, with the precautions I took, a +risk of a thousand to one in my favour. +</p> + +<p> +At ease now, and out of all fear of any doubt or suspicion on his side, I +addressed myself in good earnest to my repose, but could obtain none; and in +about half an hour’s time my gentleman waked again, and turning towards +me, I feigned a sound sleep, which he did not long respect; but girding himself +again to renew the onset, he began to kiss and caress me, when now making as if +I just waked, I complained of the disturbance, and of the cruel pain that this +little rest had stole my senses from. Eager, however, for the pleasure, as well +of consummating an entire triumph over my virginity, he said every thing that +could overcome my resistance, and bribe my patience to the end, which now I was +ready to listen to, from being secure of the bloody proofs I had prepared of +his victorious violence, though I still thought it good policy not to let him +in yet a while. I answered then only to his importunities in sighs and moans, +“that I was so hurt, I could not bear it... I was sure he had done me a +mischief; that he had... he was such a bad man!” At this, turning down +the clothes, and viewing the field of battle by the glimmer of a dying taper, +he saw plainly my thighs, shift, and sheet, all stained with what he readily +took for a virgin effusion, proceeding from his last half penetration: +convinced, and transported at which, nothing could equal his joy and +exultation. The illusion was complete, no other conception entered his head, +but that of his having been at work upon an unopened mine; which idea, upon so +strong an evidence, redoubled at once his tenderness for me, and his ardour for +breaking it wholly up. Kissing me then with the utmost rapture, he comforted +me, and begged my pardon for the pain he had put me to: observing withal, that +it was only a thing in course; but the worst was certainly past, and that with +a little courage and constancy, I should get it once well over, and never after +experience any thing but the greatest pleasure. By little and little I suffered +myself to be prevailed on, and giving, as it were, up to the point of him, I +made my thighs, insensibly spreading them, yield him liberty of access, which +improving, he got a little within me, when by a well managed reception I worked +the female screw so nicely, that I kept him from the easy mid-channel +direction, and by dexterous wreathing and contortions, creating an artificial +difficulty of entrance, made him win it inch by inch, with the most laborious +struggles, I all the while sorely complaining: till at length, with might and +main, winding his way in, he got it completely home, and giving my virginity, +as he thought, the coup le grace, furnished me with the cue of setting up a +terrible outcry, whilst he, triumphant and like a cock clapping his wings over +his down-trod mistress, pursued his pleasure: which presently rose, in virtue +of this idea of a complete victory, to a pitch that made me soon sensible of +his melting period; whilst I now lay acting the deep wounded, breathless, +frightened, undone, no longer maid. +</p> + +<p> +You would ask me, perhaps, whether all this time I enjoyed any perception of +pleasure? I assure you, little or none, till just towards the latter end, a +faintish sense of it came on mechanically, from so long a struggle and frequent +fret in that ever sensible part; but, in the first place, I had no taste for +the person I was suffering the embraces of, on a pure mercenary account; and +then, I was not entirely delighted with myself for the jade’s part I was +playing, whatever excuses I might plead for my being brought into it; but then +this insensibility kept me so much the mistress of my mind and motions, that I +could the better manage so close a counterfeit, through the whole scene of +deception. +</p> + +<p> +Recovered at length to a more shew of life, by his tender condolences, kisses +and embraces, I upbraided him, and reproached him with my ruin, in such natural +terms, as added to his satisfaction with himself, for having accomplished it; +and guessing, by certain observations of mine, that it would be rather +favourable to him, to spare him, when he some time after, feebly enough, came +on again to the assault, I resolutely withstood any further endeavours, on a +pretext that flattered his prowess, of my being so violently hurt and sore, +that I could not possibly endure a fresh trial. He then graciously granted me a +respite, and the next morning soon after advancing, I got rid of further +importunity, till Mrs. Cole, being rung for by him, came in and was made +acquainted, in terms of the utmost joy and rapture, with his triumphant +certainty of my virtue, and the finishing stroke he had given it, in the course +of the night: of which, he added, she would see proof enough in bloody +characters, on the sheets. +</p> + +<p> +You may guess how a woman of her turn of address and experience humoured the +jest, and played him off with mixed exclamations of shame, danger, compassion +for me, and of her being pleased that all was so well over: in which last, I +believe, she was certainly sincere. And now, as the objection which she had +represented as an invincible one, to me lying the first night at his lodgings +(which were studiously calculated for freedom of intrigues), on the account of +my maiden fears and terrors, at the thought of going to a gentleman’s +chambers, and being alone with him in bed, was surmounted, she pretended to +persuade me, in favour to him, that I should go there to him, whenever he +pleased, and still keep up all the necessary appearances of working with her, +that I might not lose, with my character, the prospect of getting a good +husband, and at the same time her house would be kept safer from scandal. All +this seemed so reasonable, so considerate to Mr. Norbert, that he never once +perceived that she did not want him to resort to her house, lest he might in +time discover certain inconsistencies with the character she had set out with +to him: besides that this plan greatly flattered his own ease, and views of +liberty. +</p> + +<p> +Leaving me then to my much wanted rest, he got up, and Mrs. Cole, after +settling with him all points relating to me, got him undiscovered out of the +house. After which, as I was awake, she came in, and gave me due praises for my +success. Behaving too with her usual moderation and disinterestedness, she +refused any share of the sum I had thus earned, and put me into such a secure +and easy way of disposing of my affairs, which now amounted to a kind of little +fortune, that a child of ten years old might have kept the account and property +of them safe in its hands. +</p> + +<p> +I was now restored again to my former state of a kept mistress, and used +punctually to wait on Mr. Norbert at his chambers whenever he sent a messenger +for me, which I constantly took care to be in the way of, and managed with so +much caution, that he never once penetrated the nature of my connections with +Mrs. Cole; but indolently given up to ease and the town dissipations, the +perpetual hurry of them hindered him from looking into his own affairs, much +less to mine. +</p> + +<p> +In the mean time, if I may judge from my own experience, none are better paid, +or better treated, during their reign, than the mistress of those who, enervate +by nature, debaucheries, or age, have the least employment for the sex: +sensible that a woman must be satisfied some way, they ply her with a thousand +little tender attentions, presents, caresses, confidences, and exhaust their +inventions in means and devices to make up for the capital deficiency; and even +towards lessening that, what arts, what modes, what refinements of pleasure +have they not recourse to, to raise their languid powers, and press nature into +the service of their sensuality? But here is their misfortune, that when by a +course of teasing, worrying, handling, wanton postures, lascivious motions, +they have at length accomplished a flashy enervate enjoyment, they at the same +time light up a flame in the object of their passion, that, not having the +means themselves to quench, drives her for relief into the next person’s +arms, who can finish their work; and thus they become bawds to some favourite, +tried and approved of, for a more vigorous and satisfactory execution; for with +women, of our turn especially, however well our hearts may be disposed, there +is a controlling part, or queen-seat in us, that governs itself by its own +maxims of state, amongst which not one is stronger, in practice with it, than, +in the matter of is dues, never to accept the will for the deed. +</p> + +<p> +Mr. Norbert, who was much in this ungracious case, though he professed to like +me extremely, could but seldom consummate the main-joy itself with me, without +such a length and variety of preparations, as were at once wearisome and +inflammatory. +</p> + +<p> +Sometimes he would strip me stark naked on a carpet, by a good fire, when he +would contemplate me almost by the hour, disposing me in all the figures and +attitudes of body that it was susceptible of being viewed in; kissing me in +every part, the most secret and critical one so far from excepted that it +received most of that branch of homage. Then his touches were so exquisitely +wanton, so luxuriously diffused and penetrative at times, that he had made me +perfectly rage with titillating fires, when, after all, and much ado, he had +gained a short-lived erection, he would perhaps melt it away in a washy sweat, +or a premature abortive effusion, that provokingly mocked my eager desires: or, +if carried home, how faultered and unnervous the execution! how insufficient +the sprinkle of a few heat-drops to extinguish all the flames he had kindled! +</p> + +<p> +One evening, I cannot help remembering, that returning home from him, with a +spirit he had raised in a circle his wand had proved too weak to lay, as I +turned the corner of a street, I was overtaken by a young sailor, I was then in +that spruce, neat, plain dress, which I ever affected and perhaps might have, +in my trip, a certain air of restlessness unknown to the composure of cooler +thoughts. However, he seized me as a prize, and without farther ceremony threw +his arms round my neck, and kissed me boisterously and sweetly. I looked at him +with a beginning of anger and indignation at his rudeness, that softened away +into other sentiments as I viewed him: for he was tall, manly carriaged, +handsome of body and face, so that I ended my stare, with asking him, in a tone +turned to tenderness, what he meant; at which, with the same frankness and +vivacity as he had begun with me, he proposed treating me with a glass of wine. +Now, certain it is, that had I been in a calmer state of blood than I was, had +I not been under the dominion of unappeased irritation; but I do not know how +it was, my pressing calls, his figure, the occasion, and if you will, the +powerful combination of all these, with a start of curiosity to see the end of +an adventure, so novel too as being treated like a common street-plyer, made me +give a silent consent; in short, it was not my head that I now obeyed, I +suffered myself to be towed along as it were by this man-of-war, who took me +under his arm as familialry as if he had known me all his lifetime, and led me +into the next convenient tavern, where we were shown into a little room on one +side of the passage. Here, scarce allowing himself patient till the drawer +brought in the wine called for, he fell directly on board me: when, untucking +my handkerchief, and giving me a snatching buss, he laid my breasts bare at +once, which he handled with that keenness of gust that abridges a ceremonial +evermore tiresome than pleasing on such pressing occasions; and now, hurrying +towards the main point, we found no conveniency to our purpose, two or three +disabled chairs, and a rickety table, composing the whole furniture of the +room. Without more ado, he plans me with my back standing against the wall, and +my petticoats up; and coming out with a splitter indeed, made it shine, as he +brandished it, in my eyes; and going to work with an impetuosity and eagerness, +bred very likely by a long fast at seat, went to give me a taste of it. I +straddled, I humoured my posture, and did my best in short to buckle to it; I +took part of it in, but still things did not go to his thorough liking; +changing them in a trice his system of battery, he leads me to the table and +with a master-hand lays my head down on the edge of it, and, with the other +canting up my petticoats and shift, bares my naked posteriors to his blind and +furious guide; it forces its way between them, and I feeling pretty sensibly +that it was not going by the right door, and knocking desperately at the wrong +one, I told him of it:—“Pooh!” says he, “my dear, any +port in a storm.” Altering, however, directly his course, and lowering +his point, he fixed it right, and driving it up with a delicious stiffness, +made all foam again, and gave me the tout with such fire and spirit, that in +the fine disposition I was in when I submitted to him and stirred up so +fiercely as I was, I got the start of him, and went away into the melting +swoon, and squeezing him, whilst in the convulsive grasp of it, drew from him +such a plenteous bedewal, as pointed to my own effusion, perfectly floated +those parts, and drowned in a deluge all my raging conflagration of desire. +</p> + +<p> +When this was over, how to make my retreat was my concern; for, though I had +been so extremely pleased with the difficult between this warm broadside, +poured so briskly into me, and the tiresome pawing and toying to which I had +owed the unappeased flames that had driven me into this step, now I was cooler, +I began to apprehend the danger of contracting an acquaintance with this, +however agreeable stranger; who, on his side, spoke of passing the evening with +me and continuing our intimacy, with an air of determination that made me +afraid of its being not so easy to get away from him as I could wish. In the +mean time I carefully concealed my uneasiness, and readily pretended to consent +to stay with him, telling him I should only step to my lodgings to leave a +necessary direction, and then instantly return. This he very glibly swallowed, +on the notion of my being one of those unhappy street-errants, who devote +themselves to the pleasure of the first ruffian that will stoop to pick them +up, and of course, that I would scarce bilk myself of the hire, by not +returning make the most of the job. Thus he parted with me, not before, +however, he had ordered in my hearing a supper, which I had the barbarity to +disappoint him of my company too. +</p> + +<p> +But when I got home, and told Mrs. Cole my adventure, she represented so +strongly to me the nature and dangerous consequences of my folly, particularly +the risks to my health, in being so openlegged and free, that I not only took +resolutions never to venture so rashly again, which I inviolably preserved, but +passed a good many days in continual uneasiness, lest I should have met with +other reasons, besides the pleasure of that rencounter, to remember it; but +these fears wronged my pretty sailor, for which I gladly make him this +reparation. +</p> + +<p> +I had now lived with Mr. Norbert near a quarter of a year, in which space I +circulated my time very pleasantly, between my amusements at Mrs. Cole’s, +and a proper attendance on that gentleman, who paid me profusely for the +unlimited complaisance with which I passively humoured every caprice of +pleasure, and which had won upon him so greatly, that finding, as he said, all +that variety in me alone, which he had sought for in a number of women, I had +made him lose his taste for inconstancy, and new faces. But what was yet at +least agreeable, as well as more flattering, the love I had inspired him with, +bred a deference to me, that was of great service to his health: for having by +degrees, and with much pathetic representations brought him to some husbandry +of it, and to insure the duration of his pleasures by moderating their use, and +correcting those excesses in them he was so addicted to, and which had +shattered his constitution and destroyed his powers of life in the very point +for which he seemed desirous to live, he was grown more delicate, more +temperate, and in course more healthy; his gratitude for which was taking a +turn very favourable for my fortune, when once more the caprice of it dashed +the cup from my lips. +</p> + +<p> +His sister, lady L..., for whom he had a great affection, desiring him to +accompany her down to Bath for her health, he could not refuse her such a +favour; and accordingly, though he counted on staying away from me no more than +a week at farthest, he took his leave of me with an ominous heaviness of heart, +and left me a sum far above the state of his fortune, and very inconsistent +with the intended shortness of his journey; but it ended in the longest that +can be, and is never but once taken: for, arrived at Bath, he was not there two +days before he fell into a debauch of drinking with some gentlemen, that threw +him into a high fever, and carried him off in four days’ time, never once +out of a delirium. Had he been in his senses to make a will, perhaps he might +have made favourable mention of me in it. Thus, however, I lost him; and as no +condition of life is more subject to revolutions than that of a woman of +pleasure, I soon recovered my cheerfulness, and now beheld myself once more +struck off the list of kept mistresses, and returned into the bosom of the +community, from which I had been in some manner taken. +</p> + +<p> +Mrs. Cole still continued her friendship, and offered me her assistance and +advice towards another choice; but I was now in ease and affluence enough to +look about me at leisure; and as to any constitutional calls of pleasure, their +pressure, or sensibility, was greatly lessened by a consciousness of the ease +with which they were to be satisfied at Mrs. Cole’s house, where Louisa +and Emily still continued in the old way; and my great favourite Harriet used +often to come and see me, and entertain me, with her head and heart full of the +happiness she enjoyed with her dear baronet, whom she loved with a tenderness +and constancy, even though he was her keeper, and what is yet more, had made +her independent, by a handsome provision for her and hers. I was then in this +vacancy from any regular employ of my person in my way of business, when one +day, Mrs. Cole, in the course of the constant confidence we lived in, +acquainted me that there was one Mr. Barville, who used her house, just come to +town, whom she was not a little perplexed about providing a suitable companion +for; which was indeed a point of difficulty, as he was under the tyranny of a +cruel taste: that of an ardent desire, not only of being unmercifully whipped +himself, but of whipping others, in such sort, that though he paid +extravagantly those who had the courage and complaisance to submit to his +humour, there were few, delicate as he was in the choice of his subjects, who +would exchange turns with him so terribly at the expense of their skin. But, +what yet increased the oddity of this strange fancy was the gentleman being +young; whereas it generally attacks, it seems, such as are, through age, +obliged to have recourse to this experiment, for quickening the circulation of +their sluggish juices, and determining a conflux of the spirits of pleasure +towards those flagging shrivelly parts, that rise to life only by virtue of +those titillating ardours created by the discipline of their opposites, with +which they have so surprising a consent. +</p> + +<p> +This Mrs. Cole could not well acquaint me with, in any expectation of my +offering for service: for, sufficiently easy as I was in my circumstances, it +must have been the temptation of an immense interest indeed, that could have +induced me to embrace such a job, neither had I ever expressed, nor indeed, +felt the least impulse or curiosity to know more of a taste, that promised so +much more pain than pleasure to those that stood in no need of such violent +goads: what then should move me to subscribe myself voluntarily to a party of +pain, foreknowing it such? Why, to tell the plain truth, it was a sudden +caprice, a gust of fancy for trying a new experiment, mixed with the vanity of +approving my personal courage to Mrs. Cole, that determined me, at all risks, +to propose myself to her and relieve her from any further look-out. +Accordingly, I at once pleased and surprised her, with a frank and unreserved +tender of my person to her and her friend’s absolute disposal on this +occasion. +</p> + +<p> +My good temporal mother was, however, so kind as to use all the arguments she +could imagine to dissuade me: but, as I found they only turned on a motive of +tenderness to me, I persisted in my resolution, and thereby acquitted my offer +of any suspicion of its not having been sincerely made, or out of compliment +only. Acquiescing then thankfully in it, Mrs. Cole assured me “that +bating the pain I should be put to, she had no scruple to engage me to this +party, which she assured me I should be liberally paid for, and which, the +secrecy of the transaction preserved safe from the ridicule that otherwise +vulgarly attended it; that for her part, she considered pleasure, of one sort +or other, as the universal port of destination, and every wind that blew +thither a good one, provided it blew nobody any harm; that she rather +compassionated, than blamed those unhappy persons, who are under a subjection +they cannot shake off, to those arbitrary tastes that rule their appetites of +pleasures with an unaccountable control: tastes too, as infinitely diversified, +as superior to, and independent of all reasoning as the different relishes or +palates of mankind in their viands, some delicate stomach nauseating plain +meats, and finding no savour but in highseasoned, luxurious dishes, whilst +others again pique themselves upon detesting them.” +</p> + +<p> +I stood now in no need of this preamble of encouragement, or justification: my +word was given, and I was determined to fulfill my engagements. Accordingly the +night was set, and I had all the necessary previous instructions how to act and +conduct myself. The dining room was duly prepared and lighted up, and the +young gentleman posted there in waiting, for my introduction to him. +</p> + +<p> +I was then, by Mrs. Cole, brought in, and presented to him, in a loose +dishabille fitted, by her direction, to the exercise I was to go through, all +in the finest linen and a thorough white uniform: gown, petticoat, stocking, +and satin slippers, like a victim led to sacrifice; whilst my dark auburn hair, +falling in drop-curls over my neck, created a pleasing distinction of colour +from the rest of my dress. +</p> + +<p> +As soon as Mr. Barville saw me, he got up, with a visible air of pleasure and +surprise, and saluting me, asked Mrs. Cole, if so fine and delicate a creature +would voluntarily submit to such sufferings and rigours, as were the subject of +his assignation. She answered him properly, and now, reading in his eyes that +she could not too soon leave us together, she went out, after recommending to +him to use moderation with so tender a novice. +</p> + +<p> +But whilst she was employing his attention, mine had been taken up with +examining the figure and person of this unhappy young gentleman, who was thus +unaccountably condemned to have his pleasure lashed into him, as boys have +their learning. +</p> + +<p> +He was exceedingly fair, and, smooth complexioned, and appeared to me no more +than twenty at most, though he was three years older than what my conjectures +gave him; but then he owed this favourable mistake to a habit of fatness, which +spread through a short, squab stature; and a round, plump, fresh coloured face +gave him greatly the look of a Bacchus, had not an air of austerity, not to say +sternness, very unsuitable even to his shape of face, dashed that character of +joy, necessary to complete the resemblance. His dress was extremely neat, but +plain, and far inferior to the ample fortune he was in full possession of; this +too was a taste in him, and not avarice. +</p> + +<p> +As soon as Mrs. Cole was gone, he seated me near him, when now his face changed +upon me, into an expression of the most pleasing sweetness and good humour, the +most remarkable for its sudden shift from the other extreme, which I found +afterwards, when I knew more of his character, was owing to a habitual state of +conflict with, and dislike of himself, for being enslaved to so peculiar a +lust, by the fatality of a constitutional ascendant, that rendered him +incapable of receiving any pleasure, till he submitted to these extraordinary +means of procuring it at the hands of pain, whilst the constancy of this +repining consciousness stamped at length that cast of sourness and severity on +his features: which was, in fact, very foreign to the natural sweetness of his +temper. +</p> + +<p> +After a competent preparation by apologies, and encouragement to go through my +part with spirit and constancy, he stood up near the fire, whilst I went to +fetch the instruments of discipline out of a closet hard by: these were several +rods, made each of two or three strong twigs of birch tied together, which he +took, handled, and viewed with as much pleasure, as I did with a kind of +shuddering presage. +</p> + +<p> +Next we took from the side of the room a long broad bench, made easy to lie at +length on by a soft cushion in a callico-cover; and everything being now ready, +he took his coat and waistcoat off; and at his motion and desire, I unbuttoned +his breeches, and rolling up his shirt rather above his waist, tucked it on +securely there; when directing naturally my eyes to that humoursone +master-movement, in whose favour all these dispositions were making, it seemed +almost shrunk into his body, scarce showing its tip above the sprout of hairy +curls that clothed those parts, as you may have-seen a wren peeping its head +out of the grass. +</p> + +<p> +Stooping them to untie his garters, he gave them to me for the use of tying him +down to the legs of the bench: a circumstance no farther necessary than, as I +suppose, it made part of the humour of the thing, since he prescribed it to +himself, amongst the rest of the ceremonial. +</p> + +<p> +I led him then to the bench, and according to my cue, played at forcing him to +lie down: which, after-some little show of reluctance, for form-sake, he +submitted to; he was straightway extended flat upon his: belly, on the bench, +with a pillow under his face; and as he thus tamely lay, I tied him slightly +hand and feet, to the legs of it; which done, his shirt remaining trussed up +over the small of his back, I drew his breeches quite down to his knees; and +now he lay, in all the fairest, broadest display of that part of the back-view; +in which a pair of chubby, smooth-cheeked and passing white posteriors rose +cushioning upwards from two stout, fleshful thighs, and ending their cleft, or +separation by an union at the small of the back, presented a bold mark, that +swelled, as it were, to meet the scourge. +</p> + +<p> +Seizing now one of the rods, I stood over him, and according to his direction, +gave him in one breath, ten lashes with much good-will, and the utmost nerve +and vigour of arm that I could put to them, so as to make those fleshy orbs +quiver again under them; whilst he himself seemed no more concerned, or to mind +them, than a lobster would a flea-bite. In the mean time, I view intently the +effect of them, which to me at last appeared surprisingly cruel: every lash had +skimmed the surface of those white cliffs, which they deeply reddened, and +lapping round the side of the furthermost from me, cut specially, into the +dimple of it, such livid weals, as the blood either spun out from, or stood in +large drops on; and, from some of the cuts, I picked out even the splinters of +the rod that had stuck in the skin. Nor was this raw work to be wondered at, +considering the greenness of the twigs and the severity of the infliction, +whilst the whole surface of the skin was so smooth-stretched over the hard and +firm pulp of flesh that filled it, as to yield no play, or elusive swagging +under the stroke: which thereby took place the more plump, and cut into the +quick. +</p> + +<p> +I was however already so moved at the piteous sight, that I from my heart +repented the undertaking, and would willing had given over, thinking he had +full enough; but, he encouraging and beseeching me earnestly to proceed, I gave +him ten more lashes; and then resting, surveyed the increase of bloody +appearances. And at length, steeled to the height, by his stoutness in +suffering, I continued the discipline, by intervals, till I observed him +wreathing and twisting his body, in a way that I could plainly perceive was not +the effect of pain, but of some new and powerful sensation: curious to dive +into the meaning of which, in one of my pauses of intermission, I approached, +as he still kept working, and grinding his belly against the cushion under him: +and first stroking the untouched and unhurt side of the flesh-mount next me, +then softly insinuating my hand under his thigh, felt the posture things were +in forwards, which was indeed surprising: for that machine of him, which I had, +by its appearance, taken for an impalpable, or at least a very diminutive +subject, was now, in virtue of all that smart and havoc of his skin behind, +grown not only to a prodigious stiffness of erection, but to a size that +frighted even me: a non-pareil thickness indeed! the head of it alone filled +the utmost capacity of my grasp. And when, as he heaved and wriggled to and +fro, in the agitation of his strange pleasure, it came into view, it had +something of the air of a round fillet of veal, and like its owner, squab, and +short in proportion to its breadth; but when he felt my hand there, he begged I +would go on briskly with my jerking, or he should never arrive at the last +stage of pleasure. +</p> + +<p> +Resuming then the rode and the exercise of it, I had fairly worn out three +bundles, when, after an increase of struggles and motion, and a deep sigh or +two, I saw him lie still and motionless; and now he desired me to desist, which +I instantly did; and proceeding to untie him, I could not but be amazed at his +passive fortitude, on viewing the skin of his butchered, mangled posteriors, +late so white, smooth and polished, now all one side of them a confused +cut-work of weals, livid flesh, gashes and gore, insomuch that when he stood +up, he could scarce walk; in short, he was in sweet-briars. +</p> + +<p> +Then I plainly perceived, on the cushion, the marks of a plenteous effusion, +and already had his sluggard member run up to its old nestling-place, and +enforced itself again, as if ashamed to shew its head; which nothing, it seems, +could raise but stripes inflicted on its opposite neighbours, who were thus +constantly obliged to suffer for his caprice. +</p> + +<p> +My gentleman had now put on his clothes and recomposed himself, when giving me +a kiss, and placing me by him, he sat himself down as gingerly as possible, +with one side off the cushion, which was too sore for him to bear resting any +part of his weight on. +</p> + +<p> +Here he thanked me for the extreme pleasure I had procured him, and seeing, +perhaps, some marks in my countenance of terror and apprehension of retaliation +on my own skin, for what I had been the instrument of his suffering in his, he +assured me, “he was ready to give up to me any engagement I might deem +myself under to stand him, as he had done me, but that if I proceeding in my +consent to it, he would consider the difference of my sex, its greater delicacy +and incapacity to undergo pain.” Reheartened at which, and piqued in +honour, as I thought, not to flinch so near the trial, especially as I well +knew Mrs. Cole was an eye-witness, from her stand of espial, to the whole of +our transaction, I was now less afraid of my skin, than of his not furnishing +me with an opportunity of signalizing my resolution. +</p> + +<p> +Consonant to this disposition was my answer, but my courage was still more in +my head, than in my heart; and as cowards rush into danger they fear, in order +to be the sooner rid of the pain of that sensation, I was entirely pleased with +his hastening matters into execution. +</p> + +<p> +He had then little to do, but to unloose the strings of my petticoats, and lift +them, together with my shift, navel-high, where he just tucked them up loosely, +and might be slipt up higher at pleasure. Then viewing me round with great +seeming delight, he laid me at length on my face upon the bench, and when I +expected he would tie me, as I had done him, and held out my hands, not without +fear and a little trembling, he told me, “he would by no means terrify me +unnecessarily with such a confinement; for that though he meant to put my +constancy to a trial, the standing it was to be completely voluntary on my +side, and therefore I might be at full liberty to get up whenever I found the +pain too much for me.” You cannot imagine how much I thought myself +bound, by being thus allowed to remain loose, and how much spirit this +confidence in me gave me, so that I was even from my heart careless how much my +flesh might suffer in honour of it. +</p> + +<p> +All my back parts, naked half way up, were now fully at his mercy: and first, +he stood at a convenient distance, delighting himself with a gloating survey of +the attitude I lay in, and of all the secret stores I thus exposed to him in +fair display. Then, springing eagerly towards me, he covered all those naked +parts with a fond profusion of kisses; and now, taking hold of the rod, rather +wantoned with me, in gentle inflictions on those tender trembling masses of my +flesh behind, than in any way hurt them, till by degrees, he began to tingle +them with smarter lashes, so as to provoke a red colour into them, which I +knew, as well by the flagrant glow I felt there, as by his telling me, they now +emulated the native roses of my other cheeks. When he had thus amused himself +with admiring, and toying with them, he went on to strike harder, and more +hard, so that I needed all my patience not to cry out, or complain at least. At +last, he twigged me so smartly as to fetch blood in more than one lash: at +sight of which he flung down the rod, flew to me, kissed away the starting +drops, and sucking the wounds eased a good deal of my pain. But now raising me +on my knees, and making me kneel with them straddling wide, that tender part of +me, naturally the province of pleasure, not of pain, came in for its share of +suffering: for now, eyeing it wistfully, he directed the rod so that the sharp +ends of the twigs lighted there, so sensibly, that I could not help wincing, +and writhing my limbs with smart; so that my contortions of body must +necessarily throw it into infinite variety of postures and points of view, fit +to feast the luxury of the eye. But still I bore every thing without crying +out: when presently giving me another pause, he rushed, as it were, on that +part whose lips, and round about, had felt this cruelty, and by way of +reparation, glued his own to them; then he opened, shut, squeezed them, plucked +softly the overgrowing moss, and all this in a style of wild passionate rapture +and enthusiasm, that expressed excess of pleasure; till betaking himself to the +rod again, encouraged by my passiveness, and infuriated with this strange taste +of delight, he made my poor posteriors pay for the ungovernableness of it; for +now showing them no quarter, the traitor cut me so, that I wanted but little of +fainting away, when he gave over. And yet I did not utter one groan, or angry +expostulation; but in my heart I resolved nothing so seriously, as never to +expose myself again to the like severities. +</p> + +<p> +You may guess then in what a curious pickle those soft flesh-cushions of mine +were, all so red, raw, and in fine, terribly clawed off; but so far from +feeling any pleasure in it, that the recent smart made me pout a little, and +not with the greatest air of satisfaction receive the compliments, and +after-caresses of the author of my pain. +</p> + +<p> +As soon as my clothes were huddled on in a little decency, a supper was brought +in by the discreet Mrs. Cole herself, which might have piqued the sensuality of +a cardinal, accompanied with a choice of the richest wines: all which she set +before us, and went out again, without having, by a word or even by a smile, +given us the least interruption or confusion, in those moments of secrecy, that +we were not yet ripe to the admission of a third too. +</p> + +<p> +I sat down then, still scarce in charity with my butcher, for such I could not +help considering him, and was moreover not a little piqued at the gay, +satisfied air of his countenance, which I thought myself insulted by. But when +the now necessary refreshment to me of a glass of wine, and a little eating +(all the time observing a profound silence) had somewhat cheered and restored +me to spirits, and as the smart began to go off, my good humour returned +accordingly: which alteration not escaping him, he said and did every thing +that could confirm me in, and indeed exalt it. +</p> + +<p> +But scarce was supper well over, before a change so incredible was wrought in +me, such violent, yet pleasingly irksome sensations took possession of me that +I scarce knew how to contain myself; the smart of the lashes was now converted +into such a prickly heat, such fiery tinglings, as made me sigh, squeeze my +thighs together, shift and wriggle about my seat, with a furious restlessness; +whilst these itching ardours, thus excited in those parts on which the storm of +discipline had principally fallen, detached legions of burning, subtile, +stimulating spirits, to their opposite spot and centre of assemblage, where +their titillation raged so furiously, that I was even stinging made with them. +No wonder then that in such a taking, and devoured by flames that licked up all +modesty and reserve, my eyes, now charged brimful of the most intense desire, +fired on my companion very intelligible signal of distress: my companion, I +say, who grew in them every instant more amiable, and more necessary to my +urgent wishes and hopes of immediate ease. +</p> + +<p> +Mr. Barville, no stranger, by experience, to these situations, soon knew the +pass I was brought to soon perceived my extreme disorder; in favour of which, +removing the table out of the way, he began a prelude that flattered me with +instant relief, to which I was not, however, so near as I imagined: for as he +was unbuttoned to me, and tried to provoke and rouse to action his unactive +torpid machine, he blushingly owned that no good was to be expected from it, +unless I took it in hand to re-excite its languid loitering powers, by just +refreshing the smart of the yet recent blood-raw cuts, seeing it could, no more +than a boy’s top, keep up without lashing. Sensible then that I should +work as much for my own profit as his, I hurried my compliance with his desire, +and abridging the ceremonial, whilst he leaned his head against the back of a +chair, I had scarce gently made him feel the lash, before I saw the object of +my wishes give signs of life, and presently, as it were with a magic touch, is +started up into a noble size and distinction indeed. Hastening then to give me +the benefit of it, he threw me down on the bench; but such was the refreshed +soreness of those parts behind, on my leaning so hard on them, as became me to +compass the admission of that stupendous head of his machine, that I could not +possibly bear it. I got up then, and tried, by leaning forwards, and turning +the crupper on my assailant, to let him at the back avenue: but here it was +likewise impossible to stand his bearing so fiercely against me, in his +agitations and endeavours to enter that way, whilst his belly battered directly +against the recent sore. What should we do now? both intolerably heated: both +in a fury; but pleasure is ever inventive for its own ends: he strips me in a +trice stark naked, and placing a broad settee-cushion on the carpet before the +fire, oversets me gently, topsy turvy, on it; and handling me only at the +waist, whilst you may be sure I favoured all my dispositions, brought my legs +round his neck; so that my head was kept from the floor only by my hands and +the velvet cushion, which was now bespread with my flowing hair: thus I stood +on my head and hands, supported by him in such manner, that whilst my thighs +clung round him, so as to expose to his sight all my back figure, including the +theatre of his bloody pleasure, the centre of my fore pair fairly bearded the +object of its rage, that now stood in fine condition to give me satisfaction +for the injuries of its neighbours. But as this posture was certainly not the +easiest, and our imaginations, wound up to the height, could suffer no delay, +he first, with the utmost eagerness and effort, just lip-lodged that broad +acorn-fashioned head of his instrument; and still befriended by the fury with +which he had made that impression, he soon stuffed in the rest; when now, with +a pursuit of thrusts, fiercely urged, he absolutely overpowered and absorbed +all sense of pain and uneasiness, whether from my wounds behind, my most +untoward posture, or the oversize of his stretcher, in an infinitely +predominant delight; when now all my whole spirits of life and sensation +rushing, impetuously to the cock-pit, where the prize of pleasure was hotly in +dispute and clustering to a point there, I soon received the dear relief of +nature from these over-violent strains and provocations of it; harmonizing with +which, my gallant spouted into me such a potent overflow of the balsamic +injection, as softened and unedged all those irritating stings of a new species +of titillation, which I had been so intolerably maddened with, and restored the +ferment of my senses to some degree of composure. +</p> + +<p> +I had now achieved this rare adventure ultimately much more to my satisfaction +than I had bespoken the nature of it to turn out; nor was it much lessened, you +may think, by spark’s lavish praises of my constancy and complaisance, +which he gave weight to by a present that greatly surpassed my utmost +expectation, besides his gratification to Mrs. Cole. +</p> + +<p> +I was not, however, at any time re-enticed to renew with him, or resort again +to the violent expedient of lashing nature into more haste than good speed: +which, by the way, I conceive acts somewhat in the manner of a dose of Spanish +flies; with more pain perhaps, but less danger; and might be necessary to him, +but was nothing less so than to me, whose appetite wanted the bridle more than +the spur. +</p> + +<p> +Mrs. Cole, to whom this adventurous exploit had more and more endeared me, +looked on me now as a girl after her own heart, afraid of nothing, and, on a +good account, hardly enough to fight all the weapons of pleasure through. +Attentive then, in consequence of these favourable conceptions, to promote +either my profit or pleasure, she had special regard for the first, in a new +gallant of a very singular turn, that she procured for and introduced to me. +</p> + +<p> +This was a grave staid, solemn, elderly gentleman, whose peculiar humour was a +delight in combing fine tresses of hair; and as I was perfectly headed to his +taste, he used to come constantly at my toilet hours, when I let down my hair +as loose as nature, and abandoned it to him to do what he pleased with it; and +accordingly he would keep me an hour or more in play with it, drawing the comb +through it, winding the curls round his fingers, even kissing it as he smoothed +it; and all this led to no other use of my person, or any other liberties +whatever, any more than if a distinction of sexes had not existed. +</p> + +<p> +Another peculiarity of taste he had, which was to present me with a dozen pairs +of the whitest kid gloves at a time: these he would divert himself with drawing +on me, and then biting off their finger ends; all which fooleries of a silly +appetite, the old gentleman paid more liberally for, than most others did for +more essential favours. This lasted till a violent cough, seizing and laying +him up, delivered me from this most innocent and insipid trifler, for I never +heard more of him after his first retreat. +</p> + +<p> +You may be sure a by-job of this sort interfered with no other pursuit, or plan +of life; which I led, in truth, with a modesty and reserve that was less the +work of virtue than of exhausted novelty, a glut of pleasure, and easy +circumstances, that made me indifferent to any engagements in which pleasure +and profit were not eminently united; and such I could, with the less +impatience, wait for at the hands of time and fortune, as I was satisfied I +could never mend my pennyworths, having evidently been served at the top of the +market, and even been pampered with dainties: besides that, in the sacrifice of +a few momentary impulses, I found a secret satisfaction in respecting myself, +as well as preserving the life and freshness of my complexion. Louisa and Emily +did not carry indeed their reserve so high as I did; but still they were far +from cheap or abandoned, though two of their adventures seemed to contradict +this general character, which, for their singularity, I shall give you in +course, beginning first with Emily’s: +</p> + +<p> +Louisa and she went one night to a ball, the first in the habit of a +shepherdess, Emily in that of a shepherd: I saw them in their dresses before +they went, and nothing in nature could represent a prettier boy than this last +did, being so fair and well limbed. They had kept together for some time, when +Louisa, meeting an old acquaintance of hers, very cordially gives her companion +the slip, and leaves her under the protection of her boy’s habit, which +was not much, and of her discretion, which was, it seems, still less. Emily, +finding herself deserted, sauntered thoughtless about a while, and, as much for +coolness and air as any thing else, at length pulled off her mask and went to +the sideboard; where, eyed and marked out by a gentleman in a very handsome +domino, she was accosted by, and fell into chat with him. The domino, after a +little discourse, in which Emily doubtless distinguished her good nature and +easiness more than her wit, began to make violent love to her, and drawing her +insensibly to some benches at the lower end of the masquerade room, got her to +sit by him, where he squeezed her hands, pinched her cheeks, praised and played +with her fine hair, admired her complexion, and all in a style of courtship +dashed with a certain oddity, that not comprehending the mystery of, poor Emily +attributed to his falling in with the humour of her disguise; and being +naturally not the cruellest of her profession, began to incline to a parley on +those essentials. But here was the stress of the joke: he took her really for +what she appeared to be, a smock-faced boy; and she, forgetting her dress, and +of course ranging quite wide of his ideas, took all those address to be paid to +herself as a woman, which she precisely owed to his not thinking her one. +However, this double error was pushed to such a height on both sides, that +Emily, who saw nothing in him but a gentleman of distinction by those points of +dress to which his disguise did not extend, warmed too by the wine he had plyed +her with, and the caresses he had lavished upon her, suffered herself to be +persuaded to go to a bagnio with him; and thus, losing sight of Mrs. +Cole’s cautions, with a blind confidence, put herself into his hands, to +be carried wherever he pleased. For his part, equally blinded by his wishes, +whilst here gregious simplicity favoured his deception more than the most +exquisite art could have done, he supposed, no doubt, that he had lighted on +some soft simpleton, fit for his; purpose, or some kept minion broken to his +hand, who understood him perfectly well, and entered into his designs. But, be +that as it would, he led her to a coach, went into it with her, and brought her +to a very handsome apartment, with a bed in it; but whether it was a bagnio or +not, she could not tell, having spoken to nobody but himself. But when they +were alone together, and her inamorato began to proceed to those extremities +which instantly discover the sex, she remarked, that no description could paint +up to the life, the mixture of pique, confusion and disappointment, that +appeared in his countenance, joined to the mournful exclamation: “By +heavens, a woman!” This at once opened her eyes, which had been shut in +downright stupidity. However, as if he had meant to retrieve that escape, he +still continued to toy with and fondle her, but with so staring an alteration +from extreme warmth into a chill and forced civility, that even Emily herself +could not but take notice of it, and now began to wish she had paid more regard +to Mrs. Cole’s premonitions against ever engaging with a stranger. And +now an excess of timidity succeeded to an excess of confidence, and she thought +herself so much at his mercy and discretion, that she stood passive throughout +the whole progress of his prelude: for now, whether the impressions of so great +a beauty had even made him forgive her sex, or whether her appearance or figure +in that dress still humoured his first illusion, he recovered by degrees a good +part of his first warmth, and keeping Emily with her breeches still unbuttoned, +stript them down to her knees, and gently impelling her to lean down, with her +face against the bed-side, placed her so, that the double way, between the +double rising behind, presented the choice fair to him, and he was so fairly +set on a mis-direction, as to give the girl no small alarms for fear of losing +a maidenhead she had not dreamt of. However, her complaints, and a resistance, +gentle, but firm, checked and brought him to himself again; so that turning his +steed’s head, he drove him at length in the right road, in which his +imagination having probably made the most of those resemblances that flattered +his taste, he got, with much ado, to his journey’s end: after which, he +led her out himself, and walking with her two or three streets length, got her +a chair, when making her a present not any thing inferior to what she could +have expected, he left her, well recommended to the chairmen, who, on her +directions, brought her home. +</p> + +<p> +This she related to Mrs. Cole and me the same morning, not without the visible +remains of the fear and confusion she had been in, still stamped on her +countenance. Mrs. Cole’s remark was, that her indiscretion proceeding +from a constitutional facility, there were little hopes of any thing curing her +of it, but repeated severe experience. Mine was, that I could not conceive how +it was possible for mankind to run into a taste, not only universally odious, +but absurd, and impossible to gratify; since, according to the notions and +experience I had of things, it was not in nature to force such immense +disproportions. Mrs. Cole only smiled at my ignorance, and said nothing towards +my undeception, which was not affected but by ocular demonstration, some months +after, which a most singular accident furnished me, and which I will here set +down, that I may not return again to so disagreeable a subject. +</p> + +<p> +I had, on a visit intended to Harriet, who had taken lodgings at Hampton-court, +hired a chariot to go out thither, Mrs. Cole having, promised to accompany me; +but some indispensable business intervening, to detain her, I was obliged to +set out alone; and scarce had I got a third of my way, before the axle-tree +broke down, and I was well off to get out, safe and unhurt, into a +public-house, of a tolerable handsome appearance, on the road. Here the people +told me that the stage would come by in a couple of hours at farthest, upon; +which, determining to wait for it, sooner than lose the jaunt I had got so far +forward on, I was carried into a very clean decent room, up one pair of stairs, +which I took possession of for the time I had to stay, in right of calling for +sufficient to do the house justice. +</p> + +<p> +Here, whilst I was amusing myself with looking out of the window, a single +horse-chaise stopt at the door, out of which lightly leaped two young’ +gentlemen, for so they seemed, who came in only as it were to bait and refresh +a little, for they gave their horse to be held in readiness against they came +out. And presently I heard the door of the next room, where they were let in, +and called about them briskly; and as soon as they were served, I could just +hear that they shut and fastened the door on the inside. +</p> + +<p> +A spirit of curiosity, far from sudden, since I do not know when I was without +it, prompted me, without any particular suspicion, or other drift or view, to +see what they were, and examine their persons and behaviour. The partition of +our rooms was one of those moveable ones that, when taken down, served +occasionally to lay them into one, for the conveniency of as larger company; +and now, my nicest search could not shew me the shadow of a peep-hole, a +circumstance which probably had not escaped the review of the parties on the +other side, whom much it stood upon not to be deceived in it; but at length I +observed a paper patch of the same colour as the wainscot, which I took to +conceal some flaw; but then it was so high, that I was obliged to stand upon a +chair to reach it, which I did as soft as possible, and, with a point of a +bodkin, soon pierced it, and opened myself espial room sufficient. And now, +applying my eye close, I commanded the room perfectly, and could see my two +young sparks romping and pulling one another about, entirely, to my +imagination, in frolic and innocent play. +</p> + +<p> +The eldest might be, on my nearest guess, towards nineteen, a tall comely young +man, in a white fustian frock, with a green velvet cape, and cut bob-wig. +</p> + +<p> +The youngest could not be above seventeen, fair, ruddy, completely well made, +and to say the truth, a sweet pretty stripling: he was too, I fancy, a country +lad, by his dress, which was a green plush frock, and breeches of the same, +white waistcoat and stockings, a jockey cap, with his yellowish hair, long and +loose, in natural curls. +</p> + +<p> +But after a look of circumspection, which I saw the eldest cast every way round +the room, probably in too much hurry and heat not to overlook the very small +opening I was posted at, especially at the height it was, whilst my eye close +to it kept the light from shining through and betraying it, he said something +to his companion that presently changed the face of things. +</p> + +<p> +For now the elder began to embrace, to press and kiss the younger, to put his +hands into his bosom, and give him such manifest signs of an amorous intention, +as made me conclude the other to be a girl in disguise: a mistake that nature +kept me in countenance for, for she had certainly made one, when she gave him +the male stamp. +</p> + +<p> +In the rashness then of their age, and bent as they were to accomplish their +project of preposterous pleasure, at the risk of the very worst of +consequences, where a discovery was nothing less than improbable, they now +proceeded to such lengths as soon satisfied me what they were. +</p> + +<p> +For presently the eldest unbuttoned the other’s breeches, and removing +the linen barrier, brought out to view a white shaft, middle sized, and scarce +fledged, when after handling and playing with it a little, with other +dalliance, all received by the boy without other opposition than certain +wayward coyness, ten times-more alluring than repulsive, he got him so turned +round, with his face from him, to a chair that stood hard by; when knowing, I +suppose, his office, the Ganymede now obsequiously leaned his head against the +back of it, and projecting his body, made a fair mark, still covered with his +shirt. As he thus stood in a side view to me, but fronting his companion, who, +presently unmasking his battery, produced an engine that certainly deserved to +be put to a better use, and very fit to confirm me in my disbelief of the +possibility of things; being pushed to odious extremities, which I had built on +the disproportion of parts; but this disbelief I was now cured of, as by my +consent all young men should likewise be, that their innocence may not be +betrayed into such snares, for want of knowing the extent of their danger: for +nothing is more certain than that ignorance of advice is by no means a guard +against it. +</p> + +<p> +Slipping, then, aside the young lad’s shirt, and tucking it up under his +clothes behind, he shewed to the open air those globular fleshy eminences that +compose the Mount Peasants of Rome, and which now, with all the narrow vale +that intersects them, stood displayed and exposed to his attack; nor could I +without a shudder behold the dispositions he made for it. First, then, +moistening well with spittle his instrument, obviously to make it glib, he +pointed, he introduced it, as I could plainly discern, not only from its +direction and my losing sight of it, but by the writhing, twisting and soft +murmured complaints of the young sufferer; but at length, the first straits of +entrance being pretty well go through, every thing seemed to move and go pretty +currently on, as on a carpet road, without much rub or resistance; and now, +passing one hand round his minions’ hips, he got hold of his red-topped +ivory toy, that stood perfectly stiff, and shewed, that if he was like his +mother behind, he was like his father before; this he diverted himself with, +whilst, with the other he wantoned with his hair, and leaning forward over his +back, drew his face, from which the boy shook the loose curls that fell over +it, in the posture he stood him in, and brought him towards his, so as to +receive a long breathed kiss; after which, renewing his driving, and thus +continuing to harass his rear, the height of the fist came on with its usual +symptoms, and dismissed the action. +</p> + +<p> +The criminal scene they acted, I had the patience to see to an end, purely that +I might gather more facts and certainty against them in my design to do their +deserts instant justice; and accordingly, when they had re-adjusted themselves; +and were preparing to go out, burning as I was with rage and indignation, I +jumped down from the chair, in order to raise the house upon them, but with +such an unlucky impetuosity, that some nail or ruggedness in the floor caught +my foot, and flung me on my face with such violence, that I fell senseless on +the ground, and lay there some time before any one came to my relief: so that +they, alarmed, I suppose, by the noise of my fall, had more than the necessary +time to make a safe retreat. This they effected, as I learnt, with a +precipitation nobody could account for, until, when come to myself, and +composed enough to speak, I acquainted those of the house with the whole +transaction I had been evidence to. +</p> + +<p> +When I came home again, and told Mrs. Cole this adventure, she very sensibly +observed to me, that “there was no doubt of the due vengeance one time or +other overtaking these miscreants, however they might escape for the present; +and that, had I been the temporal instrument of it, I should have been put to a +great deal more trouble and confusion than I imagined; that, as to the thing +itself, the less said of it was the better; but that though she might be +suspected of partiality, from its being the common cause of womankind, out of +whose mouths this practice tended to take something more than bread, yet she +protested against any mixture of passion, with a declaration extorted from her +by pure regard to truth; which was, that whatever effect this infamous passion +had in other ages and other countries, it seemed a peculiar blessing on our air +and climate, that there was a plaguespot visibly imprinted on all that are +tainted with it, in this nation at least, for that among numbers of that stamp +whom she had known, or at least were universally under the scandalous suspicion +of it, she would not name an exception hardly to one of them, whose character +was not, in all other respects, the most worthless and despicable that could +be; stript of all the manly virtues of their own sex, and filled up with only +the worst vices and follies of ours; that, in fine, they were scarce less +execrable than ridiculous in their monstrous inconsistence, of loathing and +contemning women, and at the same time apeing all their manners, airs, lisps, +scuttle, and, in general, all their little modes of affectation, which become +them at least better, than they do these unsexed, male misses.” +</p> + +<p> +But here, washing my hands of them, I re-plunge into the stream of my history, +which I may very properly ingraft a terrible sally of Louisa’s, since I +had some share in it myself, and have besides engaged myself to relate it, in +point of countenance to poor Emily. It will add, too, one more example to +thousands, in confirmation of the maxim, that women get once out of compass, +there are no lengths of licentiousness, that they are not capable of running. +</p> + +<p> +One morning then, that both Mrs. Cole and Emily were gone out for the day, and +only Louisa and I (not to mention the house-maid) were left in charge of the +house, whilst we were loitering away the time, in looking through the shop +windows, the son of a poor woman, who earned very hard bread indeed by mending +of stockings, in a stall in the neighbourhood, offered us some nosegays, ranged +round a small basket; by selling of which the poor boy eked out his +mother’s maintenance of them both: nor was he fit for any other way of +livelihood, since he was not only a perfect changeling, or idiot, but stammered +so that there was no understanding even those sounds his half-dozen animals +ideas, at most, prompted him to utter. +</p> + +<p> +The boys and servants in the neighbourhood had given him the nick-name of +good-natured Dick, from the soft simpleton’s doing every thing he was bid +at the first word, and from his naturally having no turn to mischief; then, by +the way, he was perfectly well made, stout, clean-limbed, tall of his age, as +strong as a horse, and, withal, pretty featured; so that he was not, +absolutely, such a figure to be snuffled at neither, if your nicety could, in +favour of such essentials, have dispensed with a face unwashed, hair tangled +for want of combing, and so ragged a plight, that he might have disputed points +of shew with any heathen philosopher of them all. +</p> + +<p> +This boy we had often seen, and bought his flowers, out of pure compassion, and +nothing more; but just at this time as he stood presenting us his basket, a +sudden whim, a start of wayward fancy, seized Louisa; and, without consulting +me, she calls him in, and beginning to examine his nosegays, culls out two, one +for herself, another for me, and pulling out half a crown, very currently gives +it him to change, as if she had really expected he could have changed it: but +the boy, scratching his head, made his signs explain his inability in place of +words, which he could not, with all his struggles, articulate. +</p> + +<p> +Louisa, at this, says: “Well, my lad, come up stairs with me, and I will +give you your due,” winking at the same time to me, and beckoning me to +accompany her, which I did, securing first the street-door, that by this means, +together with the shop, became wholly the care of the faithful house-maid. +</p> + +<p> +As we went up, Louisa whispered me “that she had conceived a strange +longing to be satisfied, whether the general rule held good with regard to this +changeling, and how far nature had made him amends, in her best bodily gifts, +for her denial of the sublimer intellectual ones; begin, at the same time, my +assistance in procuring her this satisfaction.” A want of complaisance +was never my vice, and I was so far from opposing this extravagant frolic, that +now, bit with the same maggot, and my curiosity conspiring with hers, I entered +plump into it, on my own account. +</p> + +<p> +Consequently, soon as we came into Louisa’s bed-chamber, whilst she was +amusing him with picking out his nosegays, I undertook the lead, and began the +attack. As it was not then very material to keep much measures with a mere +natural, I made presently free with him, though at my first motion of meddling, +his surprise and confusion made him receive my advances but awkwardly: nay, +insomuch that he bashfully shied, and shied back a little; till encouraging him +with my eyes, plucking him playfully by the hair, sleeking his cheeks, and +forwarding my point by a number of little wantonnesses, I soon turned him +familiar, and gave nature her sweetest alarm: so that aroused, and beginning to +feel himself, we could, amidst all the innocent laugh and grin I had provoked +him into, perceive the fire lighting in his eyes, and, diffusing over his +cheeks, blend its glow with that of his blushes. The emotion in short of animal +pleasure glared distinctly in the simpleton’s countenance; yet struck +with the novelty of the scene, he did not know which way to look or move; but +tame, passive, simpering, with his mouth half open, in stupid rapture, stood +and tractably suffered me to do what I pleased with him. His basket was dropt +out of his hands, which Louisa took care of. +</p> + +<p> +I had now, through more than one rent, discovered and felt his thighs, the skin +of which seemed the smoother and fairer for the coarseness, and even the dirt +of his dress, as the teeth of negroes seem the whiter for the surrounded black; +and poor indeed of habit, poor of understanding, he was, however, abundantly +rich in personal treasures, such as flesh, firm, plump, and replete with the +juices of youth, and robust well-knit limbs. My fingers too had now got within +reach of the true, the genuine sensitive plant, which, instead of shrinking +from the touch, joys to meet it, and swells and vegetates under it: mine +pleasingly informed me that matters were so ripe for the discovery we +meditated, that they were too mighty for the confinement they were ready to +break. A waistband that I unskewered, and a rag of a shirt that I removed, and +which could not have covered a quarter of it, revealed the whole of the +idiot’s standard of distinction, erect, in full pride and display: but +such a one! it was positively of so tremendous a size, that prepared as we were +to see something extraordinary, it still, out of measure, surpassed our +expectation, and astonished even me, who had not been used to trade in trifles. +In fine, it might have answered very well the making a skew of; its enormous +head seemed, in hue and size, not unlike a common sheep’s heart; then you +might have trolled dice securely along the broad back of the body of it; the +length of it too was prodigious; then the rich appendage of the treasure-bag +beneath, large in proportion, gathered and crisped up round in shallow furrows, +helped to fill the eye, and complete the proof of his being a natural, not +quite in vain; since it was full manifest that he inherited, and largely too, +the prerogative of majesty which distinguishes that otherwise most unfortunate +condition, and gave rise to the vulgar saying “That a fool’s bauble +is a lady’s playfellow.” Not wholly without reason: for, generally +speaking, it is in love as it is in war, where the longest weapon carries it. +Nature, in short, had done so much for him in those parts, that she perhaps +held herself acquitted in doing so little for his head. +</p> + +<p> +For my part, who had sincerely no intention to push the joke further than +simply satisfying my curiosity with the sight of it alone, I was content, in +spite of the temptation that stared me in the face, with having raised a +May-pole for another to hang a garland on: for, by this time, easily reading +Louisa’s desires in her wishful eyes, I acted the commodious part, and +made her, who sought no better sport, significant terms of encouragement to go +through stitch with her adventure; intimating too that I would stay and see +fair play: in which, indeed, I had in view to humour a new born curiosity, to +observe what appearances active nature would put on in a natural, in the course +of this her darling operation. +</p> + +<p> +Louisa, whose appetite was up, and who, like the industrious bee, was, it +seems, not above gathering the sweet of so rare a flower, though she found it +planted on a dunghill, was but too readily disposed to take the benefit of my +cession. Urged then strongly by her own desires, and emboldened by me, she +presently determined to risk a trial of parts with the idiot, who was by this +time nobly inflamed for her purpose, by all the irritation we had used to put +the principles of pleasure effectually into motion, and to wind up the springs +of its organ to their supreme pitch; and it stood accordingly stiff and +straining, ready to burst with the blood and spirits that swelled it... to a +bulk! No! I shall never forget it. +</p> + +<p> +Louisa then, taking and holding the fine handle that so invitingly offered +itself, led the ductile youth, by that mastertool of his, as she stept backward +towards the bed; which he joyfully gave way to, under the incitations of +instinct, and palpably delivered up to the goad of desire. +</p> + +<p> +Stopped then by the bed, she took the fall she loved, and leaned to the most, +gently backward upon it, still holding fast what she held, and taking care to +give her clothes a convenient toss up, so that her thighs duly disclosed, and +elevated, laid open all the outward prospect of the treasury of love: the +rose-lipt overture presenting the cockpit so fair, that it was not in nature +even for a natural to miss it. Nor did he: for Louisa, fully bent on grappling +with it, and impatient of dalliance or delay, directed faithfully the point of +the battering-piece, and bounded up with a rage of so voracious appetite, to +meet and favour the thrust of insertion, that the fierce activity on both sides +effected it with such pain of distention, that Louisa cried out violently, that +she was hurt beyond bearing, that she was killed. But it was too late: the +storm was up, and force was on her to give way to it; for now the man-machine, +strongly worked upon by the sensual passion, felt so manfully his advantages +and superiority, felt withal the sting of pleasure so intolerable, that +maddening with it, his joys began to assume a character of furiousness, which +made me tremble for the too tender Louisa. He seemed, at this juncture, greater +than himself; his countenance, before so void of meaning, or expression, now +grew big with the importance of the act he was upon. In short, it was not now +that he was to be played the fool with. But, what is pleasant enough, I myself +was awed into a sort of respect for him, by the comely terrors his motions +dressed him in: his eyes shooting sparks of fire; his face glowing with ardours +that gave another life to it; his teeth churning; his whole frame agitated with +a raging ungovernable impetuosity: all sensibly betraying the formidable +fierceness with which the genial instinct acted upon him. Butting then and +goring all before him, and mad and wild like an ower-driven steer, he ploughs +up the tender furrow all insensible to Louisa’s complaints; nothing can +stop, nothing can keep out a fury like his: with which, having once got its +head in, its blind rage soon made way for the rest, piercing, rending, and +breaking open all obstruction. The torn, split, wounded girl cries, struggles, +invokes me to her rescue, and endeavours to get from under the young savage, or +shake him off, but alas! in vain: her breath, might as soon have strength to +have quelled his rough assault, or put him out of his course. And indeed, all +her efforts and struggles were managed with such disorder, that they served +rather to entangle, and fold her the faster in the twine of his boisterous +arms; so that she was tied to the stake, and obliged to fight the match out, if +she died for it. For his part, instinct-ridden as he was, the expressions of +his animal passion, partaking something of ferocity, were rather worrying than +kisses, intermixed with ravenous love-bites on her cheeks and necks, the prints +of which did not wear out for some days after. +</p> + +<p> +Poor Louisa, however, bore up at length better than could have been expected: +and though she suffered, and greatly too, yet, ever true to the good old cause, +she suffered with pleasure and enjoyed her pain. And soon now, by dint of an +enraged enforcement, the brute-machine, driven like a whirlwind, made all smoke +again, and wedging its way up, to the utmost extremity, left her, in point of +penetration, nothing to fear or to desire: and now, +</p> + +<p class="poem"> +“Gorged with the dearest morsel of the earth,”<br/> +(Shakespeare.) +</p> + +<p> +Louisa lay, pleased to the heart, pleased to her utmost capacity of being so, +with every fibre in those parts, stretched almost to breaking, on a rack of +joy, whilst the instrument of all this over-fullness searched her senses with +its sweet excess, till the pleasure gained upon her so, its point stung her so +home, that catching at length the rage from her furious driver and sharing the +riot of his wild rapture, she went wholly out of her mind into that favourite +part of her body, the whole intenseness of which was so fervously filled, and +employed: there alone she existed, all lost in those delirious transports, +those extasies of the senses, which her winking eyes, the brightened vermilion +of her lips and cheeks, and sighs of pleasure deeply fetched, so pathetically +expressed. In short, she was now as mere a machine as much wrought on, and had +her motions as little at her own command, as the natural himself, who, thus +broke in upon her, made her feel with a vengeance his tempestuous mettle he +battered with; their active loins quivered again with the violence of their +conflict, till the surge of pleasure, foaming and raging to a height, drew down +the pearly shower that was, to allay this hurricane. The purely sensitive idiot +then first shed those tears of joy that attend its last moments, not without an +agony of delight, and even almost a roar of rapture, as the gush escaped him; +so sensibly too for Louisa, that she kept him faithful company, going off, in +consent, with the old symptoms: a delicious delirium, a tremendous convulsive +shudder, and the critical dying: Oh! And now, on his getting off she lay +pleasure-drenched, and regorging its essential sweets; but quite spent, and +gasping for breath, without other sensation of life than in those exquisite +vibrations that trembled still on the strings of delight; which had been too +intensively touched, and which nature had so ravishingly stirred with, for the +senses to be quickly at peace from. +</p> + +<p> +As for the changeling, whose curious engine had been thus successfully played +off, his shift of countenance and gesture had even something droll, or rather +tragi-comic in it: there was now an air of sad repining foolishness, superadded +to his natural one of no meaning and idiotism, as he stood with his label of +manhood, now lank, unstiffened, becalmed, and flapping against his thighs, down +which it reached half way, terrible even in its fall, whilst under the +dejection of spirit and flesh, which naturally followed his eyes, by turns, +cast down towards his struck standard, or piteously lifted to Louisa, seemed to +require at her hands what he had so sensibly parted from to her, and now +ruefully missed. But the vigour of nature, soon returning, dissipated the blast +of faintness which the common law of enjoyment had subjected him to; and now +his basket re-became his main concern, which I looked for, and brought him, +whilst Louisa restored his dress to its usual condition, and afterwards pleased +him perhaps more by taking all his flowers off his hands, and paying him, at +his rate, for them, than if she had embarrassed him by a present, that he would +have been puzzled to account for, and might have put others on tracing the +motives of. +</p> + +<p> +Whether she ever returned to the attack I know not, and, to say truth, I +believe not. She had had her freak out, and had pretty plentifully drowned her +curiosity in a glut of pleasure, which, as it happened, had no other +consequence than that the lad, who retained only a confused memory of the +transaction, would, when he saw her, forget her in favour of the next woman, +tempted, on the report of his parts, to take him in. Louisa herself did not +long outstay this adventure at Mrs. Cole’s (to whom, by the bye, we took +care not to boast of our exploit, till all fear of consequences were clearly +over): for an occasion presenting itself of proving her passion for a young +fellow, at the expense of her discretion, proceeding all in character, she +packed up her toilet, at half a day’s warning, and went with him abroad, +since which I entirely lost sight of her, and it never fell in my way to hear +what became of her. +</p> + +<p> +But a few days after she had left us, two very occasion, not to wrong our +training at Mrs. Cole’s, especially favourites, and free of her academy, +easily obtained her consent for Emily’s and my acceptance of a party of +pleasure, at a little but agreeable house, belonging to one of them situated +not far up the river Thames, on the Surrey side. +</p> + +<p> +Every thing being settled, and it being a fine summer day, but rather of the +warmest, we set out after dinner, and got to our rendezvous about four in the +afternoon; where, landing at the foot of a neat, joyous pavilion, Emily and I +were handed into it by our esquires, and there drank tea with a cheerfulness +and gaiety, that the beauty of the prospect, the serenity of the weather, and +the tender politeness of our sprightly gallants, naturally led us into. +</p> + +<p> +After tea, and taking a turn in the garden, my particular, who was the master +of the house, and had in no sense schemed this party of pleasure for a dry one, +proposed to us, with that frankness which his familiarity at Mrs. Cole’s +entitled him to, as the weather was excessively hot, to bathe together, under a +commodious shelter that he had prepared expressly for that purpose, in a creek +of the river, with which a side-door of the pavilion immediately communicated, +and where we might be sure of having our diversion out, safe from interruption, +and with the utmost privacy. +</p> + +<p> +Emily, who never refused anything, and I, who ever delighted in bathing, and +had no exception to the person who proposed it, or to those pleasure it was +easy to guess it implied, took care, on this occasion, not to wrong our +training at Mrs. Cole’s, and agreed to it with as good a grace as we +could. Upon which, without loss of time, we returned instantly to the pavilion, +one door of which opened into a tent, pitched before it, that with its +marquise, formed a pleasing defense again the sun, or the weather, and was +besides as private as we could wish. The lining of it, embossed cloth, +represented a wild forest foliage, from the top, down to the sides, which, in +the same stuff, were figured with fluted pilasters, with their spaces between +filled with flower vases, the whole having a pay effect croon the eye, wherever +you turned it. +</p> + +<p> +Then it reached sufficiently into the water, yet contained convenient benches +round it, on the dry ground, either to keep our clothes, or..., or..., in short +for more uses than resting upon. There was a side-table too, loaded with +sweetmeats, jellies, and other eatables, and bottles of wine and cordials, by +way of occasional relief from any rawness, or chill of the water, or from any +faintness from whatever cause; and in fact, my gallant, who understood <i>chère +entiêre</i> perfectly, and who, for taste (even if you would not approve this +specimen of it) might have been comptroller of pleasures to a Roman emperor, +had left no requisite towards convenience or luxury unprovided. +</p> + +<p> +As soon as we had looked round this inviting spot, and every preliminary of +privacy was duly settled, strip was the word: when the young gentlemen soon +dispatched the undressing each his partner and reduced us to the naked +confession of all those secrets of person which dress generally hides, and +which the discovery of was, naturally speaking, not to our disadvantage. Our +hands, indeed, mechanically carried towards the most interesting part of us, +screened, at first, all from the tufted cliff downwards, till we took them away +at their desire, and employed them in doing them the same office, of helping +off with their clothes; in the process of which, there passed all the little +wantonnesses and frolics that you may easily imagine. +</p> + +<p> +As for my spark, he was presently undressed, all to his shirt, the fore-lappet +of which as he leaned languishingly on me, he smilingly pointed to me to +observe, as it bellied out, or rose and fell, according to the unruly starts of +the motion behind it; but it was soon fixed, for now taking off his shirt, and +naked as a Cupid, he shewed it me at so upright a stand, as prepared me indeed +for his application to me for instant ease; but, though the sight of its fine +size was fit enough to fire me, the cooling air, as I stood in this state of +nature, joined to the desire I had of bathing-first, enabled me to put him off, +and tranquillize him, with the remark, that a little suspense would only set a +keener edge on the pleasure. Leading them the way, and shewing our friends an +example of continency, which they were giving signs of losing respect to, we +went hand in hand into the stream, till it took us up to our necks, where the +no more than grateful coolness of the water gave my senses a delicious +refreshment from the sultriness of the season, and made more alive, more happy +in myself, and, in course, more alert, and open to voluptuous impressions. +</p> + +<p> +Here I laved and wantoned with the water, or sportively played with my +companion, leaving Emily to deal with hers at discretion. Mine, at length, not +content with making me take the plunge over head and ears, kept splashing me, +and provoking me with all the little playful tricks he could devise, and which +I strove not to remain in his debt for. We gave, in short, a loose to mirth; +and now, nothing would serve him but giving his hand the regale of going over +every part of me, neck, breast, belly, thighs, and all the <i>et cætera</i>, so +dear to the imagination, under the pretext of washing and rubbing them; as we +both stood in the water, no higher now than the pit of our stomachs, and which +did not hinder him from feeling, and toying with that leak that distinguishes +our sex, and it so wonderfully water-tight: for his fingers, in vain dilating +and opening it, only let more flame than water into it, be it said without a +figure. At the same time he made me feel his own engine, which was so well +wound up, as to stand even the working in water, and he accordingly threw one +arm round my neck, and was endeavouring to get the better of that harsher +construction bred by the surrounding fluid; and had in effect one his way so +far as to make me sensible of the pleasing stretch of those nether lips, from +the in-driving machine; when, independent of my not liking that awkward mode of +enjoyment, I could not help interrupting him, in order to become joint +spectators of a plan of joy, in hot operation between Emily and her partner; +who impatient of the fooleries and dalliance of the bath, had led his nymph to +one of the benches on the green bank, where he was very cordially proceeding to +teach her the difference betwixt jest and earnest. +</p> + +<p> +There, setting her on his knee, and gliding one hand over the surface of that +smooth polished snow-white skin of hers, which now doubly shone with a +dew-bright lustre, and presented to the touch something like what one would +imagine of animated ivory, especially in those ruby-nippled globes, which the +touch is so fond of and delights to make love to, with the other he was +lusciously exploring the sweet secret of nature, in order to make room for a +stately piece of machinery, that stood up-reared, between her thighs, as she +continued sitting on his lap, and pressed hard for instant intromission, which +the tender Emily, in a fit of humour deliciously protracted, affected to +decline, and elude the very pleasure she sighed for, but in a style of +waywardness, so prettily put on, and managed, as to render it ten times more +poignant; then her eyes, all amidst the softest dying languishment, expressed, +ait once a mock denial and extreme desire, whilst her sweetness was zested with +a coyness so pleasingly provoking, her moods of keeping him off were so +attractive, that they redoubled the impetuous rage with, which, he covered her +with kisses: and kisses that, whilst she seemed to shy from or scuffle for, the +cunning wanton contrived such sly returns, of, as were, doubtless the sweeter +for the gust she gave them, of being stolen ravished. +</p> + +<p> +Thus Emily, who knew no art but that which nature itself, in favour of her +principal end, pleasure, had inspired her with, the art of yielding, +coy’d it indeed, but coy’d it to the purpose; for with all her +straining, her wrestling, and striving to break from the clasp of his arms, she +was so far wiser yet than to mean it, that in her struggles, it was visible she +aimed at nothing more than multiplying points of touch with him, and drawing +yet closer the folds that held them every where entwined, like two tendrils of +a vine intercurling: together: so that the same effect, as when Louisa strove +in good earnest to disengage from the idiot, was now produced by different +motives. +</p> + +<p> +Mean while, their emersion out of the cold water had caused a general glow, a +tender suffusion of heightened carnation over their bodies; both equally white +and smooth-skinned; so that as their limbs were thus amorously interwoven, in +sweet confusion, it was scarce possible to distinguish who they respectively +belonged to, but for the brawnier, bolder muscles of the stronger sex. +</p> + +<p> +In a little time, however, the champion was fairly in with her, and had tied at +all points the true lover’s knot; when now, adieu all the little +refinements of a finessed reluctance; adieu the friendly feint! She was +presently driven forcibly out of the power of using any art; and indeed, what +art must not give way, when nature, corresponding with her assailant, invaded +in the heart of her capital and carried by storm, lay at the mercy of the proud +conqueror, who had made his entry triumphantly and completely? Soon, however, +to become a tributary: for the engagement growing hotter and hotter, at close +quarters, she presently brought him to the pass of paying down the dear debt to +nature; which she had no sooner collected in, but, like a duellist who has laid +his antagonist at his feet, when he has himself received a mortal wound, Emily +had scarce time to plume herself upon her victory, but, shot with the same +discharge, she, in a loud expiring sigh, in the closure of her eyes, the +stretch-out of her limbs, and a remission of her whole frame, gave manifest +signs that all was as it should be. +</p> + +<p> +For my part, who had not with the calmest patience stood in the water all this +time, to view this warm action, I leaned tenderly on my gallant, and at the +close of it, seemed to ask him with my eyes, what he thought of it; but he, +more eager to satisfy me by his actions than by words or looks, as we shoaled +the water towards the shore, showed me the staff of love so intensely set up, +that had not even charity, beginning at home in this case, urged me to our +mutual relief, it would have been cruel indeed to have suffered the youth to +burst with straining, when the remedy was so obvious and so near at hand. +</p> + +<p> +Accordingly we took a bench, whilst Emily and her spark, who belonged it seems +to the sea, stood at the side-board, drinking to our good voyage: for, as the +last observed, we were well under weigh, with a fair wind up channel, and +full-freighted; nor indeed were we long before we finished our trip to Cythera, +and unloaded in the old haven; but, as the circumstances did not admit of much +variation, I shall spare you the description. +</p> + +<p> +At the same time, allow me to place you here an excuse I am conscious of owing +you, for having, perhaps, too much affected the figurative style; though +surely, it can pass nowhere more allowable than in a subject which is so +properly the province of poetry, nay, is poetry itself, pregnant with every +flower of imagination and loving metaphors, even were not the natural +expressions, for respects of fashion and sound, necessarily forbidden. +</p> + +<p> +Resuming now my history, you may please to know, that what with a competent +number of repetitions, all in the same strain (and, by the bye, we have a +certain natural sense that those repetitions are very much to the taste), what +with a circle of pleasures delicately varied, there was not a moment lost to +joy all the time we staid there, till late in the night we were re-escorted +home by our esquires, who delivered us safe to Mrs. Cole, with generous thanks +for our company. +</p> + +<p> +This too was Emily’s last adventure in our way: for scarce a week after, +she was, by an accident too trivial to detail to you the particulars, found out +by her parents, who were in good circumstances, and who had been punished for +their partiality to their son, in the loss of him, occasioned by a circumstance +of their over indulgence to his appetite; upon which the so long engrossed +stream of fondness, running violently in favour of this lost and inhumanly +abandoned child whom if they had not neglected enquiry about, they might long +before have recovered, they were now so over-joyed at the retrieval of her, +that, I presume, it made them much less strict in examining the bottom of +things: for they seemed very glad to take for granted, in the lump, every thing +that the grave and decent Mrs. Cole was pleased to pass upon them; and soon +afterwards sent her, from the country, handsome acknowledgment. +</p> + +<p> +But it was not so easy to replace to our community the loss of so sweet a +member of it: for, not to mention her beauty, she was one of those mild, pliant +characters, that if one does not entirely esteem, one can scarce help loving, +which is not such a bad compensation neither. Owing all her weaknesses to good +nature, and an indolent facility that kept her too much at the mercy of first +impressions, she had just sense enough to know that she wanted leading strings, +and thought herself so much obliged to any who would take the pains to think +for her, and guide her, that with a very little management, she was capable of +being made a most agreeable, nay a most virtuous wife: for vice, it is +probable, had never been her choice, or her fate, if it had not been for +occasion, or example, or had she not depended less upon herself than upon her +circumstances. This presumption her conduct afterwards verified: for presently +meeting with a match, that was ready cut and dry for her, with a +neighbour’s son of her own rank, and a young man of sense and order, who +took as the widow of one lost at sea (for so it seems one of her gallants, +whose name she had made free with, really was), she naturally struck into all +the duties of her domestic life, with as much simplicity of affection, with as +much constancy and regularity, as if she had never swerved from a state of +undebauched innocence from her youth. +</p> + +<p> +These desertions had, however, now so far thinned Mrs. Cole’s cluck that +she was left with only me, like a hen with one chicken; but though she was +earnestly entreated and encouraged to recruit her crops, her growing +infirmities, and, above all, the tortures, of a stubborn hip gout, which she +found would yield to no remedy, determined her to break up her business, and +retire with a decent pittance into the country, where I promised myself, +nothing so sure, as my going down to live with her, as soon as I had seen a +little more of life, and improved my small matters into a competency that would +create in me an independence on the world: for I was now, thanks to Mrs. Cole, +wise enough to keep that essential in view. +</p> + +<p> +Thus was I then to lose my faithful preceptress, as did the philosophers of the +town the white crow of her profession. For besides that she never ransacked her +customers, whose tastes too she ever studiously consulted, she never racked her +pupils with unconscionable extortions, nor ever put their hard earnings, as she +called them, under the contribution of poundage. She was a severe enemy to the +seduction for innocence, and confined her acquisitions solely to those +unfortunate young women, who, having lost it, were but the juster objects of +compassion: among these, indeed, she picked out such as suited her views and +taking them under her protection, rescued them from the danger of the public +sinks of ruin and misery, to place, or for them, well or ill, in the manner you +have seen. Having then settled her affairs, she set out on her journey, after +taking the most tender leave of me, and at the end of some excellent +instructions, recommending me to myself, with an anxiety perfectly maternal. In +short, she affected me so much, that I was not presently reconciled to myself +for suffering her at any rate to go without me; but fate had, it seems, +otherwise disposed of me. +</p> + +<p> +I had, on my separation from Mrs. Cole, taken a pleasant convenient house at +Marylebone, but easy to rent and manage from its smallness, which I furnished +neatly and modestly. There, with a reserve of eight hundred pounds, the fruit +of my deference to Mrs. Cole’s counsels, exclusive of clothes, some +jewels, and some plate, I saw myself in purse for a long time, to wait without +impatience for what the chapter of accidents might produce in my favour. +</p> + +<p> +Here, under the new character of a young gentlewoman whose husband was gone to +sea, I had marked me out such lines of life and conduct, as leaving me a +competent liberty to pursue my views either out of pleasure or fortune, bounded +me nevertheless strictly within the rules of decency and discretion: a +disposition, in which you cannot escape observing a true pupil of Mrs. Cole. +</p> + +<p> +I was scarce, however, well warm in my new abode, when going out one morning +pretty early to enjoy the freshness of it, in the pleasing outlet of the +fields, accompanied only by a maid, whom I had newly hired, as we were +carelessly walking among the trees, we were alarmed with the noise of a violent +coughing: turning our heads towards which, we distinguished a plain well +dressed elderly gentleman, who, attacked with a sudden fit, was so much +overcome, as to be forced to give way to it and sit down at the foot of a tree, +where he seemed suffocating with the severity of it, being perfectly black in +the face; not less moved than frightened with which, I flew on the instant to +his relief, and using the rote of practice I had observed on the like occasion, +I loosened his cravat and clapped him on the back; but whether to any purpose, +or whether the cough had had its course, I know not, but the fit immediately +went off; and now recovered to his speech and legs, he returned me thanks with +as much emphasis as if I had saved his life. This naturally engaging a +conversation, he acquainted me where he lived, which was at a considerable +distance from where I met him, and where he had strayed insensibly on the same +intention of a morning walk. +</p> + +<p> +He was, as I afterwards learned in the course of the intimacy which this little +accident gave birth to, an old bachelor, turned of sixty, but of a fresh +vigorous complexion, insomuch that he scarce marked five and forty, having +never racked his constitution by permitting his desires to over-tax his +ability. +</p> + +<p> +As to his birth and conditions, his parents, honest and failed mechanics, had, +by the best traces he could get of them, left him an infant orphan on the +parish; so that it was from a charity-school, that, by honesty and industry, he +made his way into a merchant’s counting house, from whence, being sent to +a house in Cadiz, he there, by his talents and activity, acquired not only a +fortune, but an immense one, with which he returned to his native country; +where he could not, however, fish out so much as one single relation out of the +obscurity he was born in. Taking then a taste for refinement, and pleased to +enjoy life, like a mistress in the dark, he flowed his days in all the ease of +opulence, without the least parade of it; and, rather studying the concealment +than the shew of a fortune, looked down on a world he perfectly knew himself, +to his wish, unknown and unmarked by. +</p> + +<p> +But, as I propose to devote a letter entirely to the pleasure of retracing to +you all the particulars of my acquaintance with this ever, to me, memorable +friend, I shall, in this, transiently touch on no more than may serve, as +mortar, to cement, or form the connection of my history, and to obviate your +surprise that one of my blood and relish of life, should count a gallant of +three score such a catch. +</p> + +<p> +Referring then to a more explicit narrative, to explain by what progressions +our acquaintance, certainly innocent at first, insensibly changed nature, and +run into unplatonic length, as might well be expected from one of my condition +of life, and above all, from that principle of electricity that scarce ever +fails of producing fire when the sexes meet. I shall only here acquaint you, +that as age had not subdued his tenderness for our sex, neither had it robbed +him of the power of pleasing, since whatever he wanted in the bewitching charms +of youth, he atoned for, or supplemented with the advantages of experience, the +sweetness of his manners, and above all, his flattering address in touching the +heart, by an application to the understanding. From him it was I first learned, +to any purpose, and not without infinite pleasure, that I had such a portion of +me worth bestowing some regard on; from him I received my first essential +encouragement, and instructions how to put it in that train of cultivation, +which I have since pushed to the little degree of improvement you see it at; he +it was, who first taught me to be sensible that the pleasures of the mind were +superior to those of the body; at the same time, that they were so far from +obnoxious to, or, incompatible with each other, that, besides the sweetness in +the variety and transition, the one served to exalt and perfect the taste of +the other, to a degree that the senses alone can never arrive at. +</p> + +<p> +Himself a rational pleasurist; as being much too wise to be ashamed of the +pleasures of humanity, loved me indeed, but loved me with dignity; in a mean +equally removed from the sourness, of forwardness, by which age is unpleasingly +characterized, and from that childish silly dotage that so often disgraces it, +and which he himself used to turn into ridicule, and compare to an old goat +affecting the frisk of a young kid. +</p> + +<p> +In short, every thing that is generally unamiable in his season of life, was, +in him, repaired by so many advantages, that he existed a proof, manifest at +least to me, that it is not out of the power of age to please, if it lays out +to please, and if, making just allowance, those in that class do not forget, +that if must cost them more pains and attention, than what youth, the natural +spring-time of joy, stands in need of: as fruits out of season require +proportionally more skill and cultivation, to force them. +</p> + +<p> +With this gentleman, who took me home soon after our acquaintance commenced, I +lived near eight months in which time, my constant complaisance and docility, +my attention to deserve his confidence and love, and a conduct, in general, +devoid of the least art and founded on my sincere regard and esteem for him, +won and attached him so firmly to me, that, after having generously trusted me +with a genteel, independent settlement, proceeding to heap marks of affection +on me, he appointed me, by an authentic will, his sole heiress and executrix: a +disposition which he did not outlive two months, being taken from me by a +violent cold that he contracted, as he unadvisedly ran to the window, on an +alarm of fire at some streets distant, and stood there naked-breasted, and +exposed to the fatal impressions of a damp night air. +</p> + +<p> +After acquitting myself of the duty towards my deceased benefactor, and paying +him a tribute of un-feigned sorrow, which a little time changed into a most +tender, graceful memory of him, which I shall ever retain, I grew somewhat +comforted by the prospect that now opened to me, if not of happiness, at least +of affluence and independence. +</p> + +<p> +I saw myself then in the full bloom and pride of youth (for I was not yet +nineteen), actually at the head of so large a fortune, as it would have been +even the height of impudence in me to have raised my wishes, much more my hopes +to; and that this unexpected elevation did not turn my head, I owed to the +pains my benefactor had taken to form and prepare me for it, as I owed his +opinion of my management of the vast possessions he left me, to what he had +observed of the prudential economy I had learned under Mrs. Cole, the reserve +of which he saw I had made, was a proof and encouragement to him. +</p> + +<p> +But, alas! how easily in the enjoyment of the greatest sweets in life, in +present possession, poisoned by the regret of an absent one! But my regret was +a mighty and just one, since it had my only truly beloved Charles for its +object. +</p> + +<p> +Given him up I had, indeed, completely, having never once heard from him since +our separation; which, as I found afterwards, had been my misfortune, and not +his neglect, for he wrote me several letters which had all miscarried; but +forgotten him I never had. And amidst all my personal infidelities, not one had +made a pin’s point impression on a heart impenetrable to the true love +passion, but for him. +</p> + +<p> +As soon, however, as I was mistress of this unexpected fortune, I felt more +than ever how dear he was to me, from its insufficiency to make me happy, +whilst he was not to share it with me. My earliest care, consequently, was to +endeavour at getting some account of him; but all my researches produced me no +more light, than that his father had been dead for some time, not so well as +even with the world; and that Charles had reached his port of destination in +the South Seas, where, finding the estate he was sent to recover, dwindled to a +trifle, by the loss of two ships in which the bulk of his uncle’s fortune +lay, he was come away with the small remainder, and might, perhaps, according +to the best advice, in a few months return to England, from whence he had, at +the time of this my inquiry, been absent two years and seven months. A little +eternity in love! +</p> + +<p> +You cannot conceive with what joy I embraced the hopes thus given me of seeing +the delight of my heart again. But, as the term of months was assigned it, in +order to divert and amuse my impatience for his return, after settling my +affairs with much ease and security, I set out on a journey for Lancashire, +with an equipage suitable to my fortune, and with a design purely to revisit my +place of nativity, for which I could not help retaining a great tenderness; and +might naturally not be sorry to shew myself there, to the advantage I was now +in pass to do, after the report Esther Davis had spread of my being spirited +away to the plantations; for on no other supposition could she account for the +suppression of myself to her, since her leaving me so abruptly at the inn. +Another favourite intention I had, to look out for my relations, though I had +none but distant ones, and prove a benefactress to them. Then Mrs. Cole’s +place of retirement lying in my way, was not amongst the least of the pleasures +I had proposed to myself in this expedition. +</p> + +<p> +I had taken nobody with me but a discreet decent woman, to figure it as my +companion, besides my servants; and was scarce got into an inn, about twenty +miles from London, where I was to sup and pass the night, when such a storm of +wind and rain come on, as made me congratulate myself on having got under +shelter before it began. +</p> + +<p> +This had continued a good half an hour, when bethinking me of some directions +to be given to the coachman, I sent for him, not caring that his shoes should +soil the very clean parlour, in which the cloth was laid, I stept into the hall +kitchen, where he was, and where, whilst I was talking to him, I slantingly +observed two horsemen driven in by the weather, and both wringing wet; one of +whom was asking if they could not be assisted with a change, while their +clothes were dried. But, heavens! who can express what I felt at the sound of a +voice, ever present to my heart, and that it now rebounded at! or when pointing +my eyes towards the person it came from, they confirmed its information, in +spite of so long an absence, and of a dress one would have studied for a +disguise: a horseman’s great coat, with a stamp-up cape, and his hat +flapped... but what could escape the alertness of a sense truly guided by love? +A transport then like mine was above all consideration, or schemes of surprise; +and I, that instant, with the rapidity of the emotions that I felt the spur of, +shot into his arms, crying out, as I threw mine round his neck: “My +life!... my soul!... my Charles!..” and without further power of speech, +swooned away, under the pressing agitation of joy and surprise. +</p> + +<p> +Recovered out of my entrancement, I found myself in my charmer’s arms, +but in the parlour, surrounded by a crowd which this event had gathered round +us, and which immediately, on a signal from the discreet landlady, who +currently took him for my husband, cleared the room, and desirably left us +alone to the raptures of this reunion; my joy at which had like to have proved, +at the expense of my life, its power superior to that of grief at our fatal +separation. +</p> + +<p> +The first object then, that my eyes opened on, was their supreme idol, and my +supreme wish, Charles, on one knee, holding me fast by the hand and gazing on +me with a transport of fondness. Observing my recovery, he attempted to speak, +and give vent to his patience of hearing my voice again, to satisfy him once +more that it was I; but the mightiness and suddenness of the surprise +continuing to stun him, choked his utterance: he could only stammer out a few +broken, half-formed, filtering accents, which my ears greedily drinking in, +spelt, and put together, so as to make out their sense: “After so +long!... so cruel an absence!... my dearest Fanny!... can it?... can it be +you?...” stifling me at the time with kisses, that, stopping my opening +mouth, at once prevented the answer that he panted for, and increased the +delicious disorder in which all my senses were rapturously lost. However, +amidst this crowd of ideas, and all blissful ones, there obtruded only one +cruel doubt that poisoned nearly all the transcendant happiness: and what was +it, but my dread of its being too excessive to be real? I trembled now with my +fear of its being no more than a dream, and of waking out of it into the +horrors of finding it one. Under this fond apprehension, imagining I could not +make too much of the present prodigious joy, before it would vanish and leave +me in the desert again, nor verify its reality too strongly, I clung to him, I +clasped him, as if to hinder him from escaping me again: “Where have you +been?... how could you... could you leave me?... Say you are still mine... that +you still love me... and thus! thus!” (kissing him as if I would +consolidated lips with him) “I forgive you... forgive my hard fortune in +favour of this restoration.” +</p> + +<p> +All these interjections breaking from me, in that wildness of expression that +justly passes for eloquence in love, drew from him all the returns my fond +heart could wish or require. Our caresses, our questions, our answers, for some +time observed no order; all crossing, or interrupting one another in sweet +confusion, whilst we exchanged hearts at our eyes, and renewed the +ratifications of a love unabated by time or absence: not a breath, not a +motion, not a gesture on either side, but what was strongly impressed with it. +Our hands, locked in each other, repeated the most passionate squeezes, so that +their fiery thrill went to the heart again. +</p> + +<p> +Thus absorbed, and concentered in this unutterable delight, I had not attended +to the sweet author of it being thoroughly wet, and in danger of catching cold; +when, in good time, the landlady, whom the appearance of my equipage (which, +bye the bye Charles knew nothing of) had gained me an interest in, for me and +mine interrupted us by bringing in a decent shift of linen and clothes; which +now, somewhat recovered into a calmer composure by the coming in of a third +person, I pressed him to take the benefit of, with a tender concern and +anxiety that made me tremble for his health. +</p> + +<p> +The landlady leaving us again, he proceeded to shift; in the act of which, +though he proceeded with all that modesty which became these first solemner +instants of our re-meeting, after so long an absence, I could not refrain +certain snatches of my eyes, lured by the dazzling discoveries of his naked +skin, that escaped him as he changed his linen, and which I could not observe +the unfaded life and complexion of without emotions of tenderness and joy, that +had himself too purely for their object, to partake of a loose or mis-timed +desire. +</p> + +<p> +He was soon dressed in these temporary clothes, which neither fitted him, nor +became the light my passion placed him in, to me at least; yet, as they were on +him, they looked extremely well, in virtue of that magic charm which love put +into every thing that he touched, or had relation to him: and where, indeed, +was that dress that a figure like his would not give grace to? For now, as I +eyed him more in detail, I could not but observe the even favourable alteration +which the time of his absence had produced in his person. +</p> + +<p> +There were still the requisite lineaments, still the same vivid vermillion and +bloom reigning in his face; but now the roses were more fully blown; the tan of +his travels, and a beard somewhat more distinguishable, had, at the expense of +no more delicacy than what he could well spare, given it an air of becoming +manliness and maturity, that symmetrized nobly with that air of distinction and +empire with which nature had stamped it, in a rare mixture with the sweetness +of it; still nothing had he lost of that smooth plumpness of flesh, which, +glowing with freshness, blooms florid to the eye, and delicious to the touch; +then his shoulders were grown more square, his shape more formed, more portly, +but still free and airy. In short, his figure showed riper, greater, and +perfecter to the experienced eye, than in his tender youth; and now he was not +much more than two and twenty. +</p> + +<p> +In this interval, however, I picked out of the broken, often pleasingly +interrupted account of himself, that he was, at that instant, actually on his +road to London, in not a very paramount plight or condition, having been +wrecked on the Irish coast for which he had prematurely embarked, and lost the +little all he had brought with him from the South Seas: so that he had not till +after great shifts and hardships, in the company of his fellow-traveller, the +captain, got so far on his journey; that so it was (having heard of his +father’s death and circumstances,) he had now the world to begin again, +on a new account: a situation, which he assured me, in a vein of sincerity, +that flowing from his heart, penetrated mine, gave him to farther pain, than +that he had not his power to make me as happy as he could wish. My fortune, you +will please to observe, I had not entered upon any overture of, reserving, to +feast myself with the surprise of it to him, in calmer instants. And, as to my +dress, it could give him no idea of the truth, not only as it was mourning, but +likewise in a style of plainness and simplicity that I had ever kept to with +studied art. He pressed me indeed tenderly to satisfy his ardent curiosity, +both with regard to my past and present state of life, since his being torn +away from me: but I found means to elude his questions, by answers that shewing +his satisfaction at no great distance, won upon him to waive his impatience, in +favour of the thorough confidence he had in my not delaying it, but for respect +I should in good time acquaint him with. +</p> + +<p> +Charles, however, thus returned to my longing arms, tender, faithful, and in +health, was already a blessing too mighty for my conception: but Charles in +distress!... Charles reduced, and broken down to his naked personal merit, was +such a circumstance, in favour of the sentiments I had for him, as exceeded my +utmost desire; and accordingly I seemed so visibly charmed, so out of time and +measure pleased at his mention of his ruined fortune, that he could account for +it no way, but that the joy of seeing him again had swallowed up every other +sense of concern. +</p> + +<p> +In the mean time, my woman had taken, all possible care of Charles’s +travelling companion; and as supper was coming in, he was introduced to me, +when I received him as became my regard for all of Charles’s acquaintance +or friends. +</p> + +<p> +We four then supped together, in the style of joy, congratulation, and pleasing +disorder that you may guess. For my part, though all these agitations had left +me not the least stomach, but for that uncloying feast, the sight of my adored +youth, I endeavoured to force it, by way of example for him, who I conjectured +must want such a recruit after riding; and, indeed, he; ate like a traveller, +but gazed at, and addressed me all the time like a lover. +</p> + +<p> +After the cloth was taken away, and the hour of repose came on, Charles and I +were, without further ceremony, in quality of man and wife, shown up together +to a very handsome apartment, and, all in course, the bed, they said, the best +in the inn. +</p> + +<p> +And here, Decency, forgive me! if once more I violate thy laws and keeping the +curtains undrawn, sacrifice thee for the last time to that confidence, without +reserve, with which I engaged to recount to you the most striking circumstances +of my youthful disorders. +</p> + +<p> +As soon, then, as we were in the room together, left to ourselves, the sight of +the bed starving the remembrance of our first joys, and the thought of my being +instantly to share it with the dear possessor of my virgin heart, moved me so +strongly, that it was well I leaned upon him, or I must have fainted again +under the overpowering sweet alarm. Charles saw into my confusion, and forgot +his own, that was scarce less, to apply himself to the removal of mine. +</p> + +<p> +But now the true refining passion had regained throughout possession of me, +with all its train of symptoms: a sweet sensibility, a tender timidity, +love-sick yearnings tempered with diffidence and modesty, all held me in a +subjection of soul, incomparably dearer to me than the liberty of heart which I +had been long, too long! the mistress of, in the course of those grosser +gallantries, the consciousness of which now made me sigh with a virtuous +confusion and regret. No real virgin, in short, in view of the nuptial bed, +could give more bashful blushes to unblemished innocence, than I did to a sense +of guilt; and indeed I loved Charles too truly not to feel severely that I did +not deserve him. +</p> + +<p> +As I kept hesitating and disconcerted under this soft distraction, Charles, +with a fond impatience, took the pains to undress me; and all I can remember +amidst the nutter and discomposure of my senses, was, some flattering +exclamation of joy and admiration, more specially at the feel of my breasts, +now set at liberty from my stays, and which panting and rising in tumultous +throbs, swelled upon his dear touch, and gave it the welcome pleasure of +finding them well formed, and un-failed in firmness. +</p> + +<p> +I was soon laid in bed, and scarce languished an instant for the darling +partner of it, before he was undressed and got between the sheets, with his +arms clasped round me, giving and taking, with gust inexpressible, a kiss of +welcome, that my heart rising to my lips stamped with its warmest impression, +concurring to my bliss, with that delicate and voluptuous emotion which Charles +alone had the secret to excite, and which constitutes the very life, the +essence of pleasure. +</p> + +<p> +Mean while, two candles lighted on a side-table near us, and a joyous wood +fire, threw a light into the bed, that took from one sense, of great importance +to our joys, all pretext for complaining of its being shut out of its share of +them; and, indeed, the sight of my idolized youth was alone, from the ardour +with which I had wished for it, without other circumstance, a pleasure to die +of. +</p> + +<p> +But as action was now a necessity to desires so much on edge as ours, Charles, +after a very short prelusive dalliance, lifting up my linen and his own, laid +the broad treasures of his manly chest close to my bosom, both beating with the +tenderest alarms: when now, the sense of his glowing body, in naked touch with +mine, took all power over my thoughts out of my own disposal, and delivered up +every faculty of the soul to the sensiblest of joys, that affecting me +infinitely more with my distinction of the person, than of the sex, now brought +my heart deliriously into play: my heart, which, eternally constant to Charles, +had never taken any part in my original sacrifices to the calls of +constitution, complaisance, or interest. But ah! what became of me, when as the +powers of solid pleasure thickened upon me, I could not help feeling the stiff +stake that had been adorned with the trophies of my despoiled virginity, +bearing hard and inflexible against one of my thighs, which I had not yet +opened, from a true principle of modesty, revived by a passion too sincere to +suffer any aiming at the false merit of difficulty, or my putting on an +impertinent mock coyness. +</p> + +<p> +I have, I believe, somewhere before remarked, that feel of that favourite piece +of manhood has, in the very nature of it, something inimitably pathetic. +Nothing can be dearer to the touch, nor can affect it with a more delirious +sensation. Think then! as a love thinks, what must be the consummate transport +of that quickest of our senses, in their central seat too! when, after so long +a deprival, it felt itself re-inflamed under the pressure of that peculiar +sceptre-member, which commands us all: but especially my darling, elect from +the face of the whole earth. And now, at its mightiest point of stiffness, it +felt to me something so subduing so active, so solid and agreeable, that I know +not what name to give its singular impression: but the sentiment of +consciousness of its belonging to my supremely beloved youth, gave me so +pleasing an agitation, and worked so strongly on my soul, that it sent all its +sensitive spirits to that organ of bliss in me, dedicated to its reception. +There, concentering to a point, like rays in a burning glass, they glowed, they +burnt with the intensest heat; the springs of pleasure were, in short, wound up +to such a pitch, I panted now with so exquisitely keen an appetite for the +eminent enjoyment, that I was even sick with desire, and unequal to support the +combination of two distinct ideas, that delightfully distracted me: for all the +thought I was capable of, was that I was now in touch, at once, with the +instrument of pleasure, and the great seal of love. Ideas that, mingling +streams, poured such an ocean of intoxicating bliss on a weak vessel, all too +narrow to contain it, that I lay overwhelmed, absorbed, lost in an abyss of +joy, and dying of nothing but immoderate delight. +</p> + +<p> +Charles then roused me somewhat out of this ecstatic distraction, with a +complaint softly murmured, amidst a crowd of kisses, at the position, not so +favourable to his desires, in which I received his urgent insistance for +admission, where that insistance was alone so engrossing a pleasure, that it +made me inconsistently suffer a much dearer one to be kept out; but how sweet +to correct such a mistake! My thighs, now obedient to the intimations of love +and nature, gladly disclose, and with a ready submission, resign up the soft +gateway to the entrance of pleasure: I see, I feel the delicious velvet tip!... +he enters me might and main, with... oh! my pen drops from here in the extasy +now present to my faithful memory! Description too deserts me, and delivers +over a task, above its strength of wing, to the imagination: but it must be an +imagination exalted by such a flame as mine that can do justice to that +sweetest, noblest of all sensations, that hailed and accompanied the stiff +insinuation all the way up, till it was at the end of its penetration, sending +up, through my eyes, the sparks of the love-fire that ran all over me and +blazed in every vein and every pore of me; a system incarnate of joy all over. +</p> + +<p> +I had now totally taken in love’s true arrow from the point up to the +feather, in that part, where making no new wound, the lips or the original one +of nature, which had owed its first breathing to this dear instrument, clung, +as if sensible of gratitude, in eager suction round it, whilst all its inwards +embraced it tenderly, with a warmth of gust, a compressive energy, that gave +it, in its way, the heartiest welcome in nature; every fibre there gathering +tight round it, and straining ambitiously to come in for its share of the +blissful touch. +</p> + +<p> +As we were giving them a few moments pause to the the delectations of the +senses, in dwelling with the highest relish on this intimatest point of +re-union, and chewing the cud of enjoyment, the impatience natural to the +pleasure soon drove us into action. Then began the driving tumult on his side, +and the responsive heaves on mine, which kept me up to him; whilst, as our joys +grew too great for utterance, the organs of our voices, voluptuously +intermixing, became organs of the touch... how delicious!... how poignantly +luscious!... And now! now I felt, to the heart of me! I felt the prodigious +keen edge, with which love, presiding over this act, points the pleasure: love! +that may be styled the Attic salt of enjoyment; and indeed, without it, the +joy, great as it is, is still a vulgar one, whether in a king or a beggar; for +it is, undoubtedly, love alone that refines, ennobles, and exalts it. +</p> + +<p> +Thus, happy, then, by the heart, happy by the senses, it was beyond all power, +even of thought, to form the conception of a greater delight than what I now am +consummating the fruition of. +</p> + +<p> +Charles, whose whole frame was convulsed with the agitation of his rapture, +whilst the tenderest fires trembled in his eyes, all assured me of a perfect +concord of joy, penetrated me so profoundly, touched me so vitally, took me so +much out of my own possession, whilst he seemed himself so much in mine, that +in a delicious enthusiasm, I imagined such a transfusion of heart and spirit, +as that coalescing, and making one body and soul with him, I was he, and he me. +</p> + +<p> +But all this pleasure tending, like life from its first instants, towards its +own dissolution, lived too fast not to bring on upon the spur its delicious +moment of mortality; for presently the approach of the tender agony discovered +itself by its usual signals, that were quickly followed by my dear +lover’s emanation of himself, that spun out, and shot, feelingly indeed! +up the ravished indraught: where the sweetly soothing balmy titillation opened +all the juices of joy on my side, which ecstatically in flow helped to allay +the prurient glow, and drowned our pleasure for a while. Soon, however, to be +on float again! for Charles, true to nature’s laws, in one breath, +expiring and ejaculating, languished not long in the dissolving trance, but +recovering spirit again, soon gave me to feel that the true mettle spring! of +his instrument of pleasure, were, by love, and perhaps, by a long vacation, +wound up too high to be let down by a single explosion: his stiffnesss till +stood my friend. Resuming then the action afresh, without dislodging, or giving +me the trouble of parting from my sweet tenant, we played over again the same +opera, with the same harmony and concert: our ardours, like our love, knew no +remission; and all the tide serving my lover, lavish of his stores, and +pleasure-milked, he over-flowed me once more from the fulness of his oval +reservoirs of the genial emulsion: whilst, on my side, a convulsive grasp, in +the instant of my giving down the liquid contribution, rendered me sweetly +subservient at once to the increase of joy, and to its effusions: moving me so, +as to make me exert all those springs of the compressive exsuction, with which +the sensitive mechanism of that part thirstily draws and drains the nipple of +Love; with much such an instinctive eagerness and attachment, as to compare +great with less, kind nature engages infants at the breasts, by the pleasure +they find in the motion of their little mouths and cheeks, to extract the milky +stream prepared for their nourishment. +</p> + +<p> +But still there was no end of his vigour: this double discharge had so far from +extinguished his desires, for that time, that it had not even calmed them; and +at his age, desires are power. He was proceeding then amazingly to push it to a +third triumph, still without uncasing, if a tenderness, natural to true love, +had not inspired me with self-denial enough to spare, and not over-strain him: +and accordingly, entreating him to give himself and me quarter, I obtained, at +length, a short suspension of arms, but not before he had exultingly satisfied +me that he gave out standing. +</p> + +<p> +The remainder of the night, with what we borrowed upon the day, we employed +with unwearied fervour in celebrating thus the festival of our remeeting; and +got up pretty late in the morning, gay, brisk and alert, though rest had been a +stranger to us: but the pleasures of love had been to us, what the joy of +victory is to an army: repose, refreshment, every thing. +</p> + +<p> +The journey into the country being now entirely out of the question, and orders +having been given overnight for turning the horses’ heads towards London, +we left the inn as soon as we had breakfasted, not without a liberal +distribution of the tokens of my grateful sense of the happiness I had met with +in it. +</p> + +<p> +Charles and I were in my coach; the captain and my companion in a chaise hired +purposely for them, to leave us the conveniency of a <i>tête-à-tête</i>. +</p> + +<p> +Here, on the road, as the tumult of my senses was tolerably composed, I had +command enough of head to break properly to his the course of life that the +consequences of my separation from him had driven me into: which, at the same +time that he tenderly deplored with me, he was the less shocked at; as, on +reflecting how he had left me circumstances, he could not be entirely +unprepared for it. +</p> + +<p> +But when I opened the state of my fortune to him, and with that sincerity +which, from me to him, was so much a nature in me, I beged of him his +acceptance of it, on his own terms. I should appear to you perhaps too partial +to my passion, were I to attempt the doing his delicacy justice, I shall +content myself then with assuring you, that after his flatly refusing the +unreserved, unconditional donation that I long persecuted him in vain to +accept, it was at length, in obedience to his serious commands (for I stood out +unaffectedly, till he exerted the sovereign authority which love had given him +over me), that I yielded my consent to waive the remonstrance I did not fail of +making strongly to him, against his degrading himself, and incurring the +reflection, however unjust, of having, for respects of fortune, bartered his +honour for infamy and prostitution, in making one his wife, who thought herself +too much honoured in being but his mistress. +</p> + +<p> +The plea of love then over-ruling all objections, for him, which he could not +but read the sincerity of in a heart ever open to him, obliged me to receive +his hand, by which means I was in pass, among other innumerable blessings, to +bestow a legal parentage on those fine children you have seen by this happiest +of matches. +</p> + +<p> +Thus, at length, I got snug into port, where, in the bosom of virtue, I +gathered the only uncorrupt sweets: where, looking back on the course of vice I +had run, and comparing its infamous blandishments with the infinitely superior +joys of innocence, I could not help pitying, even in point of taste, those who, +immersed in gross sensuality, are insensible to the so delicate charms of +VIRTUE, than which even PLEASURE has not a greater friend, nor VICE a greater +enemy. Thus temperance makes men lords over those pleasures that intemperance +enslaves them to: the one, parent of health, vigour fertility cheerfulness, and +every other desirable good of life; the other, of diseases, debility, +barrenness, self-loathing, with only every evil incident to human nature. +</p> + +<p> +You laugh, perhaps, at this tail-piece of morality, extracted from me by the +force of truth, resulting from compared experiences: you think it, no doubt, +out of character; possibly too you may look on it as the paultry finesse of one +who seeks to mask a devotee to vice under a rag of a veil, impudently smuggled +from the shrine of Virtue: just as if one was to fancy one’s self +completely disguised at a masquerade, with no other change of dress than +turning one’s shoes into slippers; or, as if a writer should think to +shield a treasonable libel, by concluding it with a formal prayer for the King. +But, independent of my flattering myself that you have a juster opinion of my +sense and sincerity, give me leave to represent to you, that such a supposition +is even more injurious to Virtue than to me: since, consistently with candour +and good nature, it san have no foundation but in the falsest of fears, that +its pleasures cannot stand in comparison with those of Vice; but let truth dare +to hold it up in its most alluring light: then mark, how spurious, how low of +taste, how comparatively inferior its joys are to those which Virtue gives +sanction to, and whose sentiments are not above making even a sauce for the +senses, but a sauce of the highest relish; whilst Vices are the harpies that +infect and foul the feast. The paths of Vice are sometimes strewed with roses, +but then they are for ever infamous for many a thorn, for many a cankerworm: +those of Virtue are strewed with roses purely, and those eternally unfading +ones. +</p> + +<p> +If you do me then justice, you will esteem me perfectly consistent in the +incense I burn to Virtue. If I have painted Vice in all its gayest colours, if +I have decked it with flowers, it has been solely in order to make the +worthier, the solemner sacrifice of it to Virtue. +</p> + +<p> +You know Mr. C*** O***, you know his estate, his worth, and good sense: can +you, will you pronounce it ill meant, at least of him, when anxious for his +son’s morals, with a view to form him to virtue, and inspire him with a +fixed, a rational contempt for vice, he condescended to be his master of the +ceremonies, and led him by the hand through the most noted bawdy-houses in +town, where he took care he should be familiarized with all those scenes of +debauchery, so fit to nauseate a good taste? The experiment, you will cry, is +dangerous. True, on a fool: but are fools worth so much attention. +</p> + +<p> +I shall see you soon, and in the mean time think candidly of me, and believe me +ever, +</p> + +<p class="right"> +MADAM,<br/> +Yours, etc., etc., etc.<br/> +X X X +</p> + +<h5>THE END</h5> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 25305 ***</div> +</body> + +</html> |