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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/25305-0.txt b/25305-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ac26fac --- /dev/null +++ b/25305-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7667 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 25305 *** + + + + +Memoirs Of Fanny Hill + +by John Cleland + + +_A new and genuine edition from the original text (London, 1749)._ + +PARIS—ISIDORE LISEUX + + Of this Edition, privately printed, there are +350 numbered copies, of which this is number 111. + + + + +Contents + + + LETTER THE FIRST + LETTER THE SECOND + + +LETTER THE FIRST + +Madam, + +I sit down to give you an undeniable proof of my considering your +desires as indispensable orders. Ungracious then as the task may be, I +shall recall to view those scandalous stages of my life, out of which I +emerged, at length, to the enjoyment of every blessing in the power of +love, health and fortune to bestow; whilst yet in the flower of youth, +and not too late to employ the leisure afforded me by great ease and +affluence, to cultivate an understanding, naturally not a despicable +one, and which had, even amidst the whirl of loose pleasures I had been +tossed in, exerted more observation on the characters and manners of +the world than what is common to those of my unhappy profession, who, +looking on all though or reflection as their capital enemy, keep it at +as great a distance as they can, or destroy it without mercy. + +Hating, as I mortally do, all long unnecessary prefaces, I shall give +you good quarter in this, and use no farther apology, than to prepare +you for seeing the loose part of my life, written with the same liberty +that I led it. + +Truth! stark, naked truth, is the word; and I will not so much as take +the pains to bestow the strip of a gauze wrapper on it, but paint +situations such as they actually rose to me in nature, careless of +violating those laws of decency that were never made for such +unreserved intimacies as ours; and you have too much sense, too much +knowledge of the originals, to sniff prudishly and out of character at +the pictures of them. The greatest men, those of the first and most +leading taste, will not scruple adorning their private closets with +nudities, though, in compliance with vulgar prejudices, they may not +think them decent decorations of the staircase, or salon. + +This, and enough, premised, I go souse into my personal history. My +maiden name was Frances Hill. I was born at a small village near +Liverpool, in Lancashire, of parents extremely poor, and, I piously +believe, extremely honest. + +My father, who had received a maim on his limbs, that disabled him from +following the more laborious branches of country drudgery, got, by +making nets, a scanty subsistence, which was not much enlarged by my +mother’s keeping a little day-school for the girls in her neighborhood. +They had had several children; but none lived to any age except myself, +who had received from nature a constitution perfectly healthy. + +My education, till past fourteen, was no better than very vulgar: +reading, or rather spelling, an illegible scrawl, and a little ordinary +plain work, composed the whole system of it; and then all my foundation +in virtue was no other than a total ignorance of vice, and the shy +timidity general to our sex, in the tender age of life, when objects +alarm or frighten more by their novelty than anything else. But then, +this is a fear too often cured at the expense of innocence, when Miss, +by degrees, begins no longer to look on a man as a creature of prey +that will eat her. + +My poor mother had divided her time so entirely between her scholars +and her little domestic cares, that she had spared very little to my +instruction, having, from her own innocence from all ill, no hint or +thought of guarding me against any. + +I was now entering on my fifteenth year, when the worst of ills befell +me in the loss of my fond, tender parents, who were both carried off by +the small-pox, within a few days of each other; my father dying first, +and thereby by hastening the death of my mother: so that I was now left +an unhappy friendless orphan (for my father’s coming to settle there, +was accidental, he being originally a Kentisrman). That cruel distemper +which had proved so fatal to them, had indeed seized me, but with such +mild and favourable symptoms, that I was presently out of danger, and +what then I did not know the value of, was entirely unmarked I skip +over here an account of the natural grief and affliction which I felt +on this melancholy occasion. A little time, and the giddiness of that +age, dissipated too soon my reflections on that irreparable loss; but +nothing contributed more to reconcile me to it, than the notions that +were immediately put into my head, of going to London, and looking out +for a service, in which I was promised all assistance and advice from +one Esther Davis, a young woman that had beer down to see her friends, +and who, after the stay of a few days, was returned to her place. + +As I had now nobody left alive in the village, who had concern enough +about what should become of me, to start any objections to this scheme, +and the woman who took care of me after my parents’ death, rather +encouraged me to pursue it, I soon came to a resolution of making this +launch into the wide world, by repairing to London, in order to seek my +fortune, a phrase which, by the bye, has ruined more adventurers of +both sexes, from the country, than ever it made or advanced. + +Nor did Esther Davis a little comfort and inspirit me to venture with +her, by piquing my childish curiosity with the fine sights that were to +be seen in London: the Tombs, the Lions, the King, the Royal Family, +the fine Plays and Operas, and, in short, all the diversions which fell +within her sphere of life to come at; the detail of all which perfectly +turned the little head of me. + +Nor can I remember, without laughing, the innocent admiration, not +without a spice of envy, with which we poor girls, whose church-going +clothes did not rise above dowlas shifts and stuff gowns, beplaced with +silver: all which we imagined grew in London, and entered for a great +deal into my determination of trying to come in for my share of them. + +The idea however of having the company of a towns-woman with her, was +the trivial, and all the motives that engaged Esther to take charge of +me during my journey to town, where she told me, after the manner and +style, “as how several maids out of the country had made themselves and +all their kind for ever: that by preserving their virtue, some had +taken so with their masters, that they had married them, and kept them +coaches, and lived vastly grand and happy; and some, may-hap, came to +be Duchesses; luck was all, and why not I, as well as another?”; with +other almanacs to this purpose, which set me a tip-toe to begin this +promising journey, and to leave a place which, though my native one, +contained no relations that I had reason to regret, and was grown +insupportable to me, from the change of the tenderest usage into a cold +air of charity, with which I was entertained, even at the only friend’s +house that I had the least expectation of care and protection from. She +was, however, so just to me, as to manage the turning into money the +little matters that remained to me after the debts and burial charges +were allowed for, and, at my departure, put my whole fortune into my +hands; which consisted of a very slender wardrobe, packed up in a very +portable box, and eight guineas, with seventeen shillings in silver, +stowed in a spring-pouch, which was a greater treasure than I ever had +seen together, and which I could not conceive there was a possibility +of running out; and indeed, I was so entirely taken up with the joy of +seeing myself mistress of such an immence sum, that I gave very little +attention to a world of good advice which was given me with it. + +Places, then, being taken for Esther and me in the Chester waggon, I +pass over a very immaterial scene of leave-taking, at which I droped a +few tears betwixt grief and joy; and, for the same reasons of +insignificance, skip over all that happened to me on the road, such as +the waggoner’s looking liquorish on me, the schemes laid for me by some +of the passengers, which were defeated by the valiance of my guardian +Esther; who, to do her justice, took a motherly care of me, at the same +time that she taxed me for the protection by making me bear all +travelling charges, which I defrayed with the unmost cheerfulness, and +thought myself much obliged to her into the bargain. + +She took indeed great care that we were not overrated, or imposed on, +as well as of managing as frugally as possible; expensiveness was not +her vice. + +It was pretty late in a summer evening when we reached the town, in our +slow conveyance, though drawn by six at length. As we passed through +the greatest streets that led to our inn, the noise, of the coaches, +the hurry, the crowds of foot passengers, in short, the new scenery of +the shops and houses, at once pleased and amazed me. + +But guess at my mortification and surprise when we came to the inn, and +our things were landed and delivered to us, when my fellow traveller +and protectress, Esther Davis, who had used me with the utmost +tenderness during the journey, and prepared me by no preceedings signs +for the stunning blow I was to receive, when I say, my only dependence +and friend, in this strange place, all of a sudden assumed a strange +and cool air towards me, as if she dreaded my becoming a burden to her. + +Instead, then, of proffering me the continuance of her assistance and +good offices, which I relied upon, and never more wanted, she thought +herself, it seems, abundantly acquitted of her engagements to me, by +having brought me safe to my journey’s end, and seeing nothing in her +procedure towards me but what natural and in order, began to embrace me +by the way of taking leave, whilst I was so confounded, so struck, that +I had not spirit or sense enough so much as to mention my hopes or +expectations from her experience, and knowledge of the place she had +brought me to. + +Whilst I stood thus stupid and mute, which she doubtless attributed to +nothing more than a concern at parting, this idea procured me perhaps a +slight alleviation of it, in the following harangue: “That now we were +got safe to London, and that she was obliged to go to her place, she +advised me by all means to get into one as soon as possible; that I +need not fear getting one; there were more places than parish-churches; +that she advised me to go to an intelligence office; that if she heard +of any thing stirring, she would find me out and let me know; that in +the meantime, I should take a private lodging, and acquaint her where +to send to me; that she wished me good luck, and hoped I should always +have the grace to keep myself honest, and not bringing a disgrace on my +parentage.” With this; she took her leave of me, and left me, as it +were, on my own hands, full as lightly as I had been put into hers. + +Left thus alone, absolutely destitute and friendless I began then to +feel most bitterly the severity of this separation, the scene of which +had passed in a little room in the inn; and no sooner was her back +turned, but the affliction I felt at my helpless strange circumstances, +burst out into a flood of tears, which infinitely relieved the +oppression of my heart; though I still remained stupified, and most +perfectly perplexed how to dispose of myself. + +One of the drawers coming in, added yet more to my uncertainty, by +asking me, in a short way, if I called for anything? to which I replied +innocently: “No.” But I wished him to tell me where I might get a +lodging for that night. He said he would go and speak to his mistress, +who accordingly came, and told me drily, without entering in the least +into the distress she saw me in, that I might have a bed for a +shilling, and that, as she supposed I had some friends in town (there I +fetched a deep sigh in vain!), I might provide for myself in the +morning. + +It is incredible what trifling consolations the human mind will seize +in its greatest afflictions. The assurance of nothing more than a bed +to lie on that night, calmed my agonies; and being ashamed to acquaint +the mistress of the inn that I had no friends to apply to in town, I +proposed to myself to proceed, the very next morning, to an +intelligence office, to which I was furnished with written directions +on the back of a ballad, Esther had given me. There I counted on +getting information of any place that such a country girl as I might be +fit for, and where I could get into any sort of being, before my little +stock should be consumed; and as to a character, Esther had often +repeated to me, that I might depend on her managing me one; nor, +however affected I was at her leaving me thus, did I entirely cease to +rely on her, as I began to think, good-naturedly, that her procedure +was all in course, and that is was only my ignorance of life that had +made me take it in the light I at first did. + +Accordingly, the next morning I dressed myself as clean and as neat as +my rustic wardrobe would permit me; and having left my box, with +special recommendation, with the landlady, I ventured out by myself, +and without any more difficulty than can be supposed of a young country +girl, barely fifteen, and to whom every sign or shop was a gazing trap, +I got to the wished for intelligence office. + +It was kept by an elderly woman, who sat at the receipt of custom, with +a book before her in great form and order, and several scrolls made +out, of directions for places. + +I made up then to this important personage, without lifting up my eyes +or observing any of the people round me, who were attending there on +the same errand as myself, and dropping her curtsies nine deep, just +made a shift to stammer out my business to her. + +Madam heard me out, with all the gravity and brow of a petty minister +of State, and seeing at one glance over my figure what I was, made me +no answer, but to ask me the preliminary shilling, on receipt of which +she told me places for women too slight built for hard work: but that +she would look over her book, and see what was to be done for me, +desiring me to stay a little, till she had dispatched some other +customers. + +On this I drew back a little, most heartily mortified at a declaration +which carried with it a killing uncertainly, that my circumstances +could not well endure. + +Presently, assuming more courage, and seeking some diversion from my +uneasy thoughts, I ventured to lift up my head a little, and sent my +eyes on a course round the room, where they met full tilt with those of +a lady (for such my extreme innocence pronounced her) sitting in a +corner of the room, dressed in a velvet mantle (in the midst of +summer), with her bonnet off; squat, fat, red-faced, and at least +fifty. + +She looked as if she would devour me with her eyes, staring at me from +head to foot, without the least regard to the confusion and blushes her +eyeing me so fixedly put me to, and which were to her, no doubt, the +strongest recommendation and marks of my being fit for her purpose. +After a little time, in which my air, person and whole figure had +undergone a strict examination, which I had, on my part, tried to +render favourable to me, by primming, drawing up my neck, and setting +my best looks, she advanced and spoke to me with the greatest +demureness: + +“Sweet-heart, do you want a place? + +“Yes, and please you,” (with a curtsey down to the ground). + +Upon this she acquainted me she was actually come to the office +herself, to look out for a servant; that she believed I might do, with +a little of her instruction; that she could take my very looks for a +sufficient character; that London was a very wicked, vile, place; that +she hoped I would be tractable, and keep out of bad company; in short, +she said all to me that an old experienced practitioner in town could +think of, and which was much more than was necessary to take in an +artless inexperienced country maid, who was even afraid of becoming a +wanderer about the streets, and therefore gladly jumped at the first +offer of a shelter, especially from so grave and matron-like a lady, +for such my flattering fancy assured me this new mistress of mine was, +I being actually hired under the nose of the good woman that kept the +office, whose shrewed smiles and shrugs I could not help observing, and +innocently interpreted them as marks of being pleased at my getting +into place so soon: but, as I afterwards came to know, these Beldams +understood one another very well, and this was a market where Mrs. +Brown, my mistress, frequently attended, on the watch for any fresh +goods that might offer there, for the use of her customers, and her own +profit. + +Madam was, however, so well pleased with her bargain that fearing I +presume, lest better advice or some accident might occasion my slipping +through her fingers, she would officiously take me in a coach to my +inn, where, calling herself for my box, it was, I being present, +delivered without the least scruple or explanation as to where I was +going. + +This being over, she bid the coachman drive to a shop in St. Paul’s +Churchyard, where she bought a pair of gloves, which she gave me, and +thence renewed her directions to the coachman to drive to her house in +——— street, who accordingly landed us at the door, after I had been +cheered up and entertained by the way with the most plausible flams, +without one syllable from which I could conclude anything but that I +was, by the greatest luck, fallen into the hands of kindest mistress, +not to say friend, that the vast world could afford; and accordingly I +entered her doors with most complete confidence and exultation, +promising, myself that, as soon as I could be a little settled, I would +acquaint Esther Davis with my rare good fortune. + +You may be sure the good opinion of my place was not lessened by the +appearance of a very handsome back parlor, into which I was led and +which seemed to me magnificently furnished, who had never seen better +rooms than the ordinary ones in inns upon the road. There were two gilt +pier-glasses, and a buffet, on which a few pieces of plate, set out to +the most shew, dazzled, and altogether persuaded me that I must be got +into a very reputable family. + +Here my mistress first began her part, with telling me that I must have +good spirits, and learn to be free with her; that she had not taken me +to be a common servant, to do domestic drudgery, but to be a kind of +companion to her; and that if I would be a good girl, she would do more +than twenty mothers for me; to all which I answered only by the +profoundest and the awkwardest curtsies, and a few monosyllables, such +as “’yes! no! to be sure!” + +Presently my mistress touched the bell, and in came a strapping +maid-servant, who had let us in. “Here, Martha,” said Mrs. Brown, “I +have just hired this young woman to look after my linen; so step up and +show her her chamber; and I charge you to use her with as much respect +as you would myself, for I have taken a prodigious liking to her, and I +do not know what I shall do for her.” + +Martha, who was an arch-jade, and, being used to this decoy, had her +cue perfect, made me a kind of half curtsy, and asked me to walk up +with her; and accordingly showed me a neat room, two pair of stairs +backwards, in which there was a handsome bed, where Martha told me I +was to lie with a young gentlewoman, a cousin of my mistress, who she +was sure would be vastly good to me. Then she ran out into such +affected encomiums on her good mistress! her sweet mistress! and how +happy I was to light upon her! and that I could not have bespoke a +better; with other the like gross stuff, such as would itself have +started suspicions in any but such an unpractised simpleton, who was +perfectly new to life, and who took every word she said in the very +sense she laid out for me to take it; but she readily saw what a +penetration she had to deal with, and measured me very rightly in her +manner of whistling to me, so as to make me pleased with my cage, and +blind to the wires. + +In the midst of these false explanations of the nature of my future +service, we were rung for down again, and I was reintroduced into the +same parlour, where there was a table laid with three covers; and my +mistress had now got with her one of her favourite girls, a notable +manager of her house, and whose business it was to prepare and break +such young fillies as I was to the mounting block; and she was +accordingly, in that view, alloted me for a bed-fellow, and, to give +her the more authority, she had the title of cousin conferred on her by +the venerable president of this college. + +Here I underwent a second survey, which ended in the full approbation +of Mrs. Phœbe Ayres, the name of my tutoress elect, to whose care and +instruction I was affectionately recommended. + +Dinner was now set on table, and in pursuance of treating me as a +companion, Mrs. Brown, with a tone to cut off all dispute, soon +over-ruled my most humble and most confused protestations against +sitting down with her Ladyship, which my very short breeding just +suggested to me could not be right, or in the order of things. + +At table, the conversation was chiefly kept up by the two madams and +carried on in double meaning expressions, interrupted every now and +then by kind assurances to me, all tending to confirm and fix my +satisfaction with my present condition: augment it they could not, so +very a novice was I then. + +It was here agreed that I should keep myself up and out of sight for a +few days, till such clothes could be procured for me as were fit for +the character I was to appear in, of my mistress’s companion, observing +withal, that on the first impressions of my figure much might depend; +and, as they rightly judged, the prospect of exchanging my country +clothes for London finery, made the clause of confinement digest +perfectly well with me. But the truth was, Mrs. Brown did not care that +I should be seen or talked to by any, either of her customers, or her +Does (as they called the girls provided for them), till she secured a +good market for my maidenhead, which I had at least all the appearances +of having brought into her Ladyship’s service. + +To slip over minutes of no importance to the main of my story, I pass +the interval to bed time, in which I was more and more pleased with the +views that opened to me, of an easy service under these good people; +and after supper being shewed up to bed, Miss Phœbe, who observed a +kind of reluctance in me to strip and go to bed, in my shift, before +her, now the maid was withdrawn, came up to me, and beginning with +unpinning my handkerchief and gown, soon encouraged me to go on with +undressing myself; and, blushing at now seeing myself naked to my +shift, I hurried to get under the bed-clothes out of sight. + +Phœbe laughed and was not long before she placed herself by my side. +She was about five and twenty, by her most suspicious account, in +which, according to all appearances, she must have sunk at least ten +good years; allowance, too, being made for the havoc which a long +course of hackneyship and hot waters must have made of her +constitution, and which had already brought on, upon the spur, that +stale stage in which those of her profession are reduced to think of +showing company, instead of seeing it. + +No sooner then was this precious substitute of my mistress laid down, +but she, who was never out of her way when any occasion of lewdness +presented itself, turned to me, embraced and kissed me with great +eagerness. This was new, this was odd; but imputing it to nothing but +pure kindness, which, for ought I knew, it might be the London way to +express in that manner, I was determined not to be behind-hand with +her, and returned her the kiss and embrace, with all the fervour that +perfect innocence knew. + +Encouraged by this, her hands became extremely free, and wandered over +my whole body, with touches, squeezes, pressures, that rather warmed +and surprised me with their novelty, than they either shocked or +alarmed me. + +The flattering praises she intermingled with these invasions, +contributed also not a little to bribe my passiveness; and, knowing no +ill, I feared none, especially from one who had prevented all doubts of +her womanhood, by conducting my hands to a pair of breasts that hung +loosely down, in a size and volume that full sufficiently distinguished +her sex, to me at least, who had never made any other comparison. + +I lay then all tame and passive as she could wish, whilst her freedom +raised no other emotion but those of a strange, and, till then, unfelt +pleasure. Every part of me was open and exposed to the licentious +courses of her hands, which, like a lambent fire, ran over my whole +body, and thawed all coldness as they went. + +My breasts, if it is not too bold a figure to call so two hard, firm, +rising hillocks, that just began to shew themselves, or signify +anything to the touch, employed and amused her hands awhile, till, +slipping down lower, over a smooth track, she could just feel the soft +silky down that had but a few months before put forth and garnished the +mount-pleasant of those parts, and promised to spread a grateful +shelter over the sweet seat of the most exquisite sensation, and which +had been, till that instant, the seat of the most insensible innocence. +Her fingers played and strove to twine in the young tendrils of that +moss, which nature has contrived at once for use and ornament. + +But, not contented with these outer posts, she now attempts the main +spot, and began to twitch, to insinuate, and at length to force an +introduction of a finger into the quick itself, in such a manner, that +had she not proceeded by insensible gradations that inflamed me beyond +the power of modesty to oppose its resistance to their progress, I +should have jumped out of bed and cried for help against such strange +assaults. + +Instead of which, her lascivious touches had lighted up a new fire that +wantoned through all my veins, but fixed with violence in that center +appointed them by nature, where the first strange hands were now busied +in feeling, squeezing, compressing the lips, then opening them again, +with a finger between, till an “Oh!” expressed her hurting me, where +the narrowness of the unbroken passage refused it entrance to any +depth. + +In the meantime, the extension of my limbs, languid stretching, sighs, +short heavings, all conspired to assure that experienced wanton that I +was more pleased than offended at her proceedings, which she seasoned +with repeated kisses and exclamations, such as “Oh! what a charming +creature thou art! What a happy man will he be that first makes a woman +of you! Oh! that I were a man for your sake!” with the like broken +expressions, interrupted by kisses as fierce and salacious as ever I +received from the other sex. + +For my part, I was transported, confused, and out of myself; feelings +so new were too much for me. My heated and alarmed senses were in a +tumult that robbed me of all liberty of thought; tears of pleasure +gushed from my eyes, and somewhat assuaged the fire that raged all over +me. + +Phœbe, herself, the hackneyed, thorough-bred Phœbe, to whom all modes +and devices of pleasure were known and familiar, found, it seems, in +this exercise her those arbitrary tastes, for which there is no +accounting. Not that she hated men, or did not even prefer them to her +own sex; but when she met with such occasions as this was, a satiety of +enjoyments in the common road, perhaps, too a great secret bias, +inclined her to make the most of pleasure, wherever she could find it, +without distinction of sexes. In this view, now well assured that she +had, by her touches, sufficiently inflamed me for her purpose, she +rolled down the bed clothes gently, and I saw myself stretched naked, +my shift being turned up to my neck, whilst I had no power or sense to +oppose it. Even my growing blushes expressed more desire than modesty, +whilst the candle, left (to be sure not undesignedly) burning, threw a +full light on my whole body. + +“No!” says Phœbe, “you must not, my sweet girl, think to hide all these +treasures from me. My sight must be feasted as my touch. I must devour +with my eyes this springing bosom. Suffer me to kiss it. I have not +seen it enough. Let me kiss it once more. What firm, smooth, white +flesh is here! How delicately shaped! Then this delicious down! Oh! let +me view the small, dear, tender cleft! This is too much, I cannot bear +it! I must! I must!” Here she took my hand, and in a transport carried +it where you will easily guess. But what a difference in the state of +the same thing! A spreading thicket of bushy curls marked the full +grown, complete woman. Then the cavity to which she guided my hand +easily received it; and as soon as she felt it within her, she moved +herself to and fro, with so rapid a friction, that I presently withdrew +it, wet and clammy, when instantly Phœbe grew more composed, after two +or three sighs, and heart-fetched Oh’s! and giving me a kiss that +seemed to exhale her soul through her lips, she replaced the +bed-clothes over us. What pleasure she had found I will not say; but +this I know, that the first sparks of kindling nature, the first ideas +of pollution, were caught by me that night; and that the acquaintance +and communication with the bad of our sex, is often as fatal to +innocence as all the seductions of the other. But to go on. When Phœbe +was restored to that calm, which I was far from the enjoyment of +myself, she artfully sounded me on all the points necessary to govern +the designs of my virtuous mistress on me, and by my answers, drawn +from pure undissembled nature, she had no reason but to promise herself +all imaginable success, so far as it depended on my ignorance, easiness +and warmth of constitution. + +After a sufficient length of dialogue, my bedfellow left me to my rest, +and I fell asleep, through pure weariness, from the violent emotions I +had been led into, when nature which had been too warmly stirred and +fermented to subside without allaying by some means or other relieved +me by one of those luscious dreams, the transports of which are scarce +inferior to those of waking real action. + +In the morning I awoke about ten, perfectly gay and refreshed. Phœbe +was up before me, and asked me in the kindest manner how I did, how I +had rested, and if I was ready for breakfast? carefully, at the same +time, avoiding to increase the confusion she saw I was in, at looking +her in the face, by any hint of the night’s bed scene. I told her if +she pleased I would get up, and begin any work she would be pleased to +set me about. She smiled; presently the maid brought in the tea +equipage, and I just huddled my clothes on, when in waddled my +mistress. I expected no less than to be told of, if not chid for, my +late rising, when I was most agreeably disappointed by her compliments +on my pure and fresh looks. I was “a bud of beauty” (this was her +style), “and how vastly all the fine men would admire me!” to all which +my answers did not, I can assure you, wrong my breeding; they were as +simple and silly as they could wish, and, no doubt, flattered them +infinitely more than had they proved me enlightened by education and a +knowledge of the world. + +We breakfasted, and the tea things were scarce removed, when in were +brought two bundles of linen and wearing apparel: in short, all the +necessaries for rigging me out, as they termed it, completely. + +Imagine to yourself, Madam, how my little coquet heart fluttered with +joy at the sight of a white lutestring, flowered with silver, scoured +indeed, but passed on me for spick and span new, a Brussels lace cap, +braited shoes, and the rest in proportion, all second-hand finery, and +procured instantly for the occasion, by the diligence and industry of +the good Mrs. Brown, who had already a chapman for me in the house, +before whom my charms were to pass in review; for he had not only, in +course, insisted on a previous sight of the premises, but also on +immediate surrendering to him, in case of his agreeing for me; +concluding very wisely, that such a place as I was in, was of the +hottest to trust the keeping of such a perishable commodity in, as a +maidenhead. + +The care of dressing and tricking me out for the market, was then left +to Phœbe, who acquitted herself, if not well, at least perfectly to the +satisfaction of everything but my impatience of seeing myself dressed. +When it was over, and I viewed myself in the glass, I was no doubt, too +natural, too artless, to hide my childish joy at the change: a change, +in the real truth, for much the worse, since I must have much better +become the neat easy simplicity of my rustic dress than the awkward, +untoward, tawdry finery that I could not conceal my strangeness to. + +Phœbe’s compliments, however, in which her own share in dressing me was +not forgot, did not a little confirm me in the first notions I had ever +entertained concerning my person; which, be it said without vanity, was +then tolerable to justify a taste for me, and of which it may not be +out of place here to sketch you an unflattered picture. + +I was tall, yet not too tall for my age, which, as I before remarked, +was barely turned of fifteen; my shape perfectly straight, thin +waisted, and light and free without owing anything to stays; my hair +was a glossy auburn, and as soft as silk, flowing down my neck in +natural curls, and did not a little to set off the whiteness of a +smooth skin; my face was rather too ruddy, though its features were +delicate, and the shape was a roundish oval, except where a pit on my +chin had far from a disagreeable effect; my eyes were as black as can +be imagined, and rather languishing than sparkling, except on certain +occasions, when I have been told they struck fire fast enough; my +teeth, which I ever carefully preserved, were small, even and white; my +bosom was finely raised, and one might then discern rather the promise +than the actual growth of the round, firm breast, that in a little time +made that promise good. In short, all the points of beauty that are +most universally in request, I had, or at least my vanity forbid me to +appeal from the decision of our sovereign judges the men, who all, that +I ever knew at last, gave it thus highly in my favour; and I met with, +even in my own sex, some that were above denying me that justice, +whilst others praised me yet more unsuspectedly, by endeavouring to +detract from me, in points of person and figure that I obviously +excelled in. This is, I own, too strong of self praise; but I should be +ungrateful to nature, and to a form to which I owe such singular +blessings of pleasure and fortune, were I to suppress, through an +affectation of modesty, the mention of such valuable gifts. + +Well then, dressed I was, and little did it then enter into my head +that all this gay attire was no more than decking the victim out for +sacrifice, whilst I innocently attributed all to mere friendship and +kindness in the sweet good Mrs. Brown; who, I was forgetting to +mention, had, under pretence of keeping my money safe, got from me, +without the least hesitation, the driblet (so I now call it) which +remained to me after the expenses of my journey. + +After some little time most agreebly spent before the glass, in scarce +self-admiration, since my new dress had by much the greatest share in +it, I was sent for down to the parlour, where the old lady saluted me, +and wished me joy of my new clothes, which she was not ashamed to say, +fitted me as if I had worn nothing but the finest all my life-time; but +what was it she could not see me silly enough to swallow? At the same +time, she presented me to another cousin of her own creation, an +elderly gentleman, who got up, at my entry into the room, and on my +dropping a curtsy to him, saluted me, and seemed a little affronted +that I had only presented my cheek to him: a mistake, which, if one, he +immediately corrected, by gluing his lips to mine, with an ardour which +his figure had not at all disposed me to thank him for: his figure, I +say, than which nothing could be more shocking or detestable: for ugly +and disagreeable were terms too gentle to convey a just idea of it. + +Imagine to yourself, a man rather past threescore, short and ill-made, +with a yellow cadaverous hue, great goggle eyes, that stared as if he +was strangled; an out-mouth from two more properly tusks than teeth, +livid lips, and breath like a Jake’s: then he had a peculiar +ghastliness in his grin, that made him perfectly frightful, if not +dangerous to women with child; yet, made as he was thus in mock of man, +he was so blind to his own staring deformities, as to think himself +born to please, and that no woman could see him with impunity: in +consequence of which idea, he had lavished great sums on such wretches +as could gain upon themselves to pretend love to his person, whilst to +those who had not art or patience to dissemble the horror it inspired, +he behaved even brutally. Impotence, more than necessity, made him seek +in variety, the provocative that was wanting to raise him to the pitch +of enjoyment, which he too often saw himself baulked of, by the failure +of his powers: and this always threw him into a fit of rage, which he +wreaked, as far as he durst, on the innocent objects of his fit of +momentary desire. + +This then was the master to which my conscientious benefactress, who +had long been his purveyor in this way, had doomed me, and sent for me +down purposely for his examination. Accordingly she made me stand up +before him, turned me round, unpinned my handkerchief, remarked to him +the rise and fall, the turn and whiteness of a bosom just beginning to +fill; then made me walk, and took even a handle from the rusticity of +my charms: in short, she omitted no point of jockeyship; to which he +only answered by gracious nods of approbation, whilst he looked goats +and monkeys at me: for I sometimes stole a corner glance at him, and +encountering his fiery, eager stare, looked another way from pure +horror and affright, which he, characteristically, attributed to +nothing more than maiden modesty, or at least the affectation of it. + +However, I was soon dismissed, and reconducted to my room by Phœbe, who +stuck close to me, not leaving me alone, and at leisure to make such +reflections as might naturally rise to any one, not an idiot, on such a +scene as I had just gone through; but to my shame be it confessed, that +just was my invincible stupidity, or rather portentous innocence, that +I did not yet open my eyes to Mrs. Brown’s designs, and saw nothing in +this titular cousin of hers but a shockingly hideous person, which did +not at all concern me, unless that my gratitude for my benefactress +made me extend my respect to all her cousinhood. + +Phœbe, however, began to sift the state and pulses of my heart toward +this monster, asking me how I should approve of such a fine gentelman +for a husband. (Fine gentleman, I suppose she called him, from his +being daubed with lace.) I answered her very naturally, that I had no +thoughts of a husband, but that if I was to choose one, it should be +among my own degree, sure! so much had my aversion to that wretch’s +hideous figure indisposed me to all “fine gentlemen,” and confounded my +ideas, as if those of that rank had been necessarily cast in the same +mould that he was. But Phœbe was not to be put off so, but went on with +her endeavours to melt and soften me for the purposes of my reception +into that hospitable house: and whilst she talked of the sex in +general, she had no reason to despair of a compliance, which more than +one reason showed her would be easily enough obtained of me; but then +she had too much experience not to discover that my particular fixed +aversion to that frightful cousin would be a block not so readily to be +removed, as suited the consummation of their bargain, and sale of me. + +Mother Brown had in the meantime agreed the terms with this loquorice +old goat, which I afterwards understood were to be fifty guineas +peremptory, for the liberty of attempting me, and a hundred more at the +complete gratification of his desires, in the triumph over my +virginity: and as for me, I was to be left entirely at the discretion +of his liking and generosity. This unrighteous contract being thus +settled, he was so eager to be put in possession, that he insisted on +being introduced to drink tea with me that afternoon, when we were to +be left alone; nor would he hearken to the procuress’s remonstrances, +that I was not sufficiently prepared, and ripened for such an attack; +that I was too green and untamed, having been scarce twenty-four hours +in the house: it is the character of lust to be impatient, and his +vanity arming him against any supposition of other than the common +resistance of a maid on those occasions, made him reject all proposals +of a delay, and my dreadful trial was thus fixed, unknown to me, for +that very evening. + +At dinner, Mrs. Brown and Phœbe did nothing but run riot in praise of +this wonderful cousin, and how happy that woman would be that he would +favour with his addresses; in short my two gossips exhausted all their +rhetoric to persuade me to accept them: “that the gentleman was +violently smitten with me at first sight; that he would make my fortune +if I would be a good girl and not stand in my own light; that I should +trust his honour; that I should be made for ever, and have a chariot to +go abroad in,” with all such stuff as was fit to turn the head of such +a silly ignorant girl as I then was: but luckily here my aversion had +taken already such deep root in me, my heart was so strongly defended +from him by my senses, that wanting the art to mask my sentiments, I +gave them no hopes of their employer succeeding, at least very easily, +with me. The glass too marched pretty quick, with a view, I suppose, to +make a friend of the warmth of my constitution, in the minutes of the +imminent attack. + +Thus they kept me pretty long at table, and about six in the evening, +after I had retired to my apartment, and the tea board was set, enters +my venerable mistress, followed close by that satyr, who came in +grinning in a way peculiar to him, and by his odious presence, +confirmed me in all the sentiments of detestation which his first +appearance had given birth to. + +He sat down fronting me, and all tea time kept ogling me in a manner +that gave me the utmost pain and confusion, all the mark of which he +still explained to be my bashfulness, and not being used to see +company. + +Tea over, the commoding old lady pleady urgent business (which indeed +was true) to go out, and earnestly desired me to entertain her cousin +kindly till she came back, both for my own sake and her; and then, with +a “Pray, sir, be very good, be very tender to the sweet child,” she +went out of the room, leaving me staring, with my mouth open, and +unprepared by the suddenness of her departure, to oppose it. + +We were now alone; and on that idea a sudden fit of trembling seized +me. I was so afraid, without a precise notion of why, and what I had to +fear, that I sat on the settee, by the fire side, motionless and +petrified, without life or spirit, not knowing how to look or how to +stir. + +But long I was not suffered to remain in this state of stupefaction: +the monster squatted down by me on the settee, and without farther +ceremony or preamble, flings his arms about my neck, and drawing me +pretty forcibly towards him, obliged me to receive, in spite of my +struggles to disengage from him, his pestilential kisses, which quite +overcame me. Finding me then next to senseless, and unresisting, he +tears off my neck handkerchief, and laid all open there, to his eyes +and hands: still I endured all without flinching, till emboldened by my +sufferance and silence, for I had not the power to speak or cry out, he +attempted to lay me down on the settee, and I felt his hand on the +lower part of my naked thighs, which were crossed, and which he +endeavoured to unlock. Oh then! I was roused out of my passive +endurance, and springing from him with an activity he was not prepared +for, threw myself at his feet, and begged him, in the most moving tone, +not to be rude, and that he would not hurt me. “Hurt you, my dear?” +says the brute, “I intend you no harm. Has not the old lady told you +that I love you? that I shall do handsomely by you?” + +“She has indeed, sir,” said I, “but I cannot love you, indeed I cannot! +pray let me alone! yes! I will love you dearly if you will let me alone +and go away.” But I was talking to the wind, for whether my tears, my +attitude, or the disorder of my dress proved fresh incentives, or +whether he was now under the dominion of desires he could not bridle, +but snorting and foaming with lust and rage, he renews his attack, +seizes me, and again attempts to extend and fix me on the settee: in +which he succeeded so far as to lay me along, and even to toss my +petticoats over my head, and lay my thighs bare, which I obstinately +kept close, nor could he, though he attempted with his knee to force +them open, effect it so as to stand fair for being master of the main +avenue; he was unbuttoned, both waistcoat and breeches, yet I only felt +the weight of his body upon me, whilst I lay struggling with +indignation, and dying with terrors; but he stopped all of a sudden, +and got off, panting, blowing, cursing, and repeating “old and ugly!” +for so I had very naturally called him in the heat of my defence. + +The brute had, it seems, as I afterwards understood, brought on, by his +eagerness and struggle, the ultimate period of his hot fit of lust, +which his power was too short-lived to carry him through the full +execution of; of which my thighs and linen received the effusion. + +When it was over he bid me, with a tone of displeasure, get up: “that +he would not do me the honour to think of me any more; that the old +b——h might look out for another cully; that he would not be fooled so +by ever a country mock modesty in England; that he supposed I had left +my maidenhead with some hobnail in the country, and was come to dispose +of my skim-milk in town” with a volley of the like abuse; which I +listened to with more pleasure than ever fond woman did to +protestations of love from her darling minion: for, incapable as I was +of receiving any addition to my perfect hatred and aversion to him, I +looked on this railing, as my security against his renewing his most +odious caress. + +Yet, plain as Mrs. Brown’s views were now come out, I had not the +heart, or spirit to open my eyes to them: still I could not part with +my dependence on that beldam, so much did I think myself hers, soul and +body: or rather, I sought to deceive myself with the continuation of my +good opinion of her, and choose to wait the worst at her hands, sooner +than be turned out to starve in the streets, without a penny of money +or a friend to apply to these fears were my folly. + +While this confusion of ideas was passing in my head, and I sat +pensively by the fire, with my eyes brimming with tears, my neck still +bare, and my cap fallen off in the struggle, so that my hair was in the +disorder you may guess, the villain’s lust began, I suppose, to be +again in flow, at the sight of all that bloom of youth which presented +itself to his view, a bloom yet unenjoyed, and of course not yet +indifferent to him. + +After some pause, he asked me with a tone of voice mightily softer, +whether I would make it up with him before the old lady returned, and +all should be well; he would restore me to his affections, at the same +time offering to kiss me and feel my breasts. But now my extreme +aversion, my fears, my indignation, all acting upon me, gave me a +spirit not natural to me, so that breaking loose from him, I ran to the +bell and rang it, with such violence and effect as to bring up the maid +to know what was the matter, or whether the gentleman wanted anything; +and before he could proceed to greater extremities, she bounced into +the room, and seeing me stretched on the floor, my hair all +dishevelled, my nose gushing out blood, which did not a little +tragedize the scene, and my odious persecutor still intent of pushing +his brutal point, unmoved by all my cries and distress, she was herself +confounded and did not know what to do. + +As much, however, as Martha might be prepared and hardened to +transactions of this sort, all womanhood must have been out of her +heart could she have seen this unmoved. Besides that, on the face of +things, she imagined that matters had gone greater lengths than they +really had, and that the courtesy of the house had been actually +consummated on me, and flung: me into the condition I was in: in this +notion she instantly took my part, and advised the gentleman to go down +and leave me to recover myself, and “that all would be soon over with +me; that when Mrs. Brown and Phœbe, who were gone out, were returned, +they would take order for everything to his satisfaction; that nothing +would be lost by a little patience with the poor tender thing; that for +her part she was frightened; she could not tell what to say to such +doings; but that she would stay by me till my mistress came home.” As +the wench said all this in a resolute tone, and the monster himself +began to perceive that things would not mend by his staying, he took +his hat and went out of the room murmuring and pitting his brows like +an old ape, so that I was delivered from the horrors of his detestable +presence. + +As soon as he was gone, Martha very tenderly offered me her assistance +in anything, and would have got me some hartshorn drops and put me to +bed; which last I, at first, positively refused, in the fear that the +monster might return and take me at that disadvantage. However, with +much persuasion and assurances that I should not be molested that night +she prevailed on me to lie down; and indeed I was so weakened by my +struggles, so dejected by my fearful apprehension, so terror-struck, +that I had not power to sit up, or hardly to give answers to the +questions with which the curious Martha plied and perplexed me. + +Such too, and so cruel was my fate, that I dreaded the sight of Mrs. +Brown, as if I had been the criminal, and she the person injured; a +mistake which you will not think so strange, on distinguishing that +neither virtue nor principles had the least share in the defence I had +made, but only the particular aversion I had conceived against this +first brutal and frightful invader of my tender innocence. + +I passed then the time till Mrs. Brown came home, under all the +agitations of fear and despair that may easily be guessed. + +About eleven at night my two ladies came home, and having received +rather a favourable account from Martha, who had run down to let them +in, for Mr. Crofts (that was the name of my brute) was gone out of the +house, after waiting till he had tired his patience for Mrs. Brown’s +return, they came thundering up stairs, and seeing me pale, my face +bloody, and all the marks of the most thorough dejection, they employed +themselves more to comfort and re-inspirit me than in making me the +reproaches I was weak enough to fear, I who had so many juster and +stronger to retort upon them. + +Mrs. Brown withdrawn, Phœbe came presently to bed to me, and what with +the answers she drew from me, what with her own method of palpably +satisfying herself, she soon discovered that I had been more frightened +than hurt; upon which I suppose, being herself seized with sleep, and +reserving her lectures and instructions till the next morning, she left +me, properly speaking, to my unrest; for, later tossing and turning the +greatest part of the night, and tormenting myself with the falsest +notions and apprehensions of things, I fell, through mere fatigue into +a kind of delirious doze, out of which I waked late in the morning, in +a violent fever: a circumstance which was extremely critical to +reprieve me, at least for a time, from the attacks of a wretch, +infinitely more terrible to me than death itself. + +The interested care that was taken of me during my illness, in order to +restore me to a condition of making good the bawd’s engagements, or of +enduring further trials, had, however, such an effect on my grateful +disposition that I even thought myself obliged to my un-doers for their +attention to promote my recovery; and, above all, for the keeping out +of my sight of that brutal ravisher, the author of my disorder, on +their finding I was too strongly moved at the bare mention of his name. + +Youth is soon raised, and a few days were sufficient to conquer the +fury of my fever: but, what contributed most to my perfect recovery and +to my reconciliation with life, was the timely news that Mr. Crofts, +who was a merchant of considerable dealings, was arrested at the King’s +suit, for nearly forty thousand pounds, on account of his driving a +certain contraband trade, and that his affairs were so desperate, that +even were it in his inclination, it would not be in his power to renew +his designs upon me: for he was instantly thrown into a prison, which +it was not likely he would get out of in haste. + +Mrs. Brown, who had touched his fifty guineas, advanced to so little +purpose, and lost all hopes of the remaining hundred, began to look +upon my treatment of him with a more favourable eye; and as they had +observed my temper to be perfectly tractable and conformable to their +views, all the girls that composed her flock were suffered to visit me, +and had their cue to dispose me, by their conversation, to a perfect +resignation of myself to Mrs. Brown’s direction. + +Accordingly they were let in upon me, and all that frolic and +thoughtless gaiety in which those giddy creatures consume either +leisure, made me envy a condition of which I only saw the fair side; +insomuch, that the being one of them became even my ambition: a +disposition which they all carefully cultivated; and I wanted now +nothing but to restore my health, that I might be able to undergo the +ceremony of the initiation. + +Conversation, example, in short all, contributed, in that house, to +corrupt my native parity, which had taken no root in education; whilst +now the inflammable principal of pleasure, so easily fired at my age, +made strange work within me, and all the modesty I was brought up in +the habit, not the instruction of, began to melt away like dew before +the sun’s heat; not to mention that I made a vice of necessity, from +the constant fears I had of being turned out to starve. + +I was soon pretty well recovered, and at certain hours allowed to range +all over the house, but cautiously kept from seeing any company till +the arrival of Lord B——, from Bath, to whom Mrs. Brown, in respect to +his experienced generosity on such occasions, proposed to offer the +perusal of that trinket of mine, which bears so great an imaginary +value; and his lordship being expected in town in less than a +fortnight, Mrs. Brown judged I would be entirely renewed in beauty and +freshness by that time, and afforded her the chance of a better bargain +than she had driven with Mr. Crofts. + +In the meantime, I was so thoroughly, as they call it, brought over, so +tame to their whistle, that, had my cage door been set open, I had no +idea that I ought to fly anywhere, sooner than stay where I was; nor +had I the least sense of regretting my condition, but waited very +quietly for whatever Mrs. Brown should order concerning me; who on her +side, by herself and her agents, took more than the necessary +precautions to lull and lay asleep all just reflections on my destiny. + +Preachments of morality over the left shoulder; a life of joy painted +in the gayest colours; caresses, promises, indulgent treatment; +nothing, in short, was wanting to domesticate me entirely and to +prevent my going out anywhere to get better advice. Alas! I dreamed of +no such thing. + +Hitherto I had been indebted only to the girls of the house for the +corruption of my innocence: their luscious talk, in which modesty was +far from respected, their description of their engagements with men, +had given me a tolerable insight into the nature and mysteries of their +profession, at the same time that they highly provoked an itch of +florid warm-spirited blood through every vein: but above all, my bed +fellow Phœbe, whose pupil I more immediately was, exerted her talents +in giving me the first tinctures of pleasure: whilst nature, now warmed +and wantoned with discoveries so interesting, piqued a curiosity which +Phœbe artfully whetted, and leading me from question to question of her +own suggestion, explained to me all the mysteries of Venus. But I could +not long remain in such a house as that, without being an eye-witness +of more than I could conceive from her descriptions. + +One day, about twelve at noon, being thoroughly recovered of my fever, +I happened to be in Mrs. Brown’s dark closet, where I had not been half +an hour, resting upon the maid’s bed, before I heard a rustling in the +bed-chamber, separated from the closet only by two sash doors, before +the glasses of which were drawn two yellow damask curtains, but not so +close as to exclude the full view of the room from any person in the +closet. + +I instantly crept softly and posted myself so, that seeing everything +minutely, I could not myself be seen; and who should come in but the +venerable mother Abbess herself! handed in by a tall, brawny young +Horse-grenadiers, moulded in the Hercules style: in fine, the choice of +the most experienced dame, in those affairs, in all London. + +Oh! how still and hush did I keep at my stand, lest any noise should +baulk my curiosity, or bring Madam into the closet! + +But I had not much reason to fear either, for she was entirely taken up +with her present great concern, that she had no sense of attention to +spare to anything else. + +Droll was it to see that clumsy fat figure of her’s flop down on the +foot of the bed, opposite to the closet door so that I had a full front +view of all her charms. + +Her paramour sat down by her: he seemed to be a man of very few words, +and a great stomach; for proceeding instantly to essentials, he gave +her some hearty smacks, and thrusting his hands into her breasts, +disengaged them from her stays, in scorn of whose confinement they +broke loose, and sagged down, navel-low at least. A more enormous pair +did my eyes never behold, nor of a worse colour, flagging, soft, and +most lovingly contiguous: yet such as they were, this great beef-eater +seemed to paw them with a most unenviable lust, seeking in vain to +confine or cover one of them with a hand scarce less than a shoulder of +mutton. After toying with them thus some time, as if they had been +worth it, he laid her down pretty briskly, and canting up her +petticoats, made barely a mask of them to her broad red face, that +blushed with nothing but brandy. + +As he stood on one side, unbuttoning his waistcoat and breeches, her +fat brawny thighs hung down, and the whole greasy landscape lay fairly +open to my view; a wide open mouthed gap, overshaded with a grizzly +bush, seemed held out like a beggar’s wallet for its provision. + +But I soon had my eyes called off by a more striking object that +entirely engrossed them. + +Her sturdy stallion had now unbuttoned, and produced naked, stiff and +erect, that wonderful machine, which I had never seen before, and +which, for the interest my own seat of pleasure began to take furiously +in it, I stared at with all the eyes I had: however, my senses were too +much flurried, too much concentered in that now burning spot of mine, +to observe anything more than in general the make and turn of that +instrument; from which the instinct of nature, yet more than all I had +heard of it, now strongly informed me, I was to expect that supreme +pleasure which she had placed in the meeting of those parts so +admirably fitted for each other. + +Long, however, the young spark did not remain before giving it two or +three shakes, by way of brandishing it, he threw himself upon her, and +his back being now towards me, I could only take his being ingulphed +for granted, by the directions he moved in, and the impossibility of +missing so staring a mark; and now the bed shook, the curtains rattled +so that I could scarce hear the sighs and murmurs, the heaves and +pantings that accompanied the action, from the beginning to the end; +the sound and sight of which thrilled to the very soul of me, and made +every vein of my body circulate liquid fires: the emotion grew so +violent that it almost intercepted my respiration. + +Prepared then, and disposed as I was by the discourse of my companions, +and Phœbe’s minute detail of everything, no wonder that such a sight +gave the last dying blow to my native innocence. + +Whilst they were in the heat of the action, guided by nature only, I +stole my hand up my petticoats, and with fingers on fire, seized and +yet more inflamed that center of all my senses: my heart palpitated, as +if it would force its way through my bosom: I breathed with pain; I +twisted my thighs, squeezed and compressed the lips of that virgin +slit, and following mechanically the example of Phœbe’s manual +operation on it, as far as I could find admission, brought on at last +the critical ecstasy, the melting flow, into which nature, spent with +excess of pleasure, dissolves and dies away. + +After which, my senses recovered coolness enough to observe the rest of +the transaction between this happy pair. + +The young fellow had just dismounted, when the old lady immediately +sprung up, with all the vigour of youth, derived, no doubt, from her +late refreshment; and making him sit down, began in her turn to kiss +him, to pat and pinch his cheeks, and play with his hair: all which he +received with an air of indifference and coolness that showed him to be +much altered from what he was when he first went on to the breach. + +My pious governess, however, not being above calling in auxiliaries, +unlocks a little case of cordials that stood near the bed, and made him +pledge her in a very plentiful dram: after which, and a little amorous +parley, Madam set herself down upon the same place, at the bed’s foot; +and the young fellow standing sidewise by her, she, with the greatest +effrontery imaginable, unbuttons his breeches, and removing his shirt, +draws out his affair, so shrunk and diminished, that I could not but +remember the difference, now crest-fallen, or just faintly lifting its +head: but our experience matron very soon, by chaffing it with her +hands, brought it to swell to that size and erection I had before seen +it up to. + +I admired then, upon a fresh account, and with a nicer survey, the +texture of that capital part of man: the flaming red head as it stood +uncapt, the whiteness of the shaft, and the shrub growth of curling +hair that embrowned the foots of it, the roundish bag that dangled down +from it, all exacted my eager attention, and renewed my flame. But, as +the main affair was now at the point the industrious dame had laboured +to bring it to, she was not in the humour to put off the payment of her +pains, but laying herself down, drew him gently upon her, and thus they +finished, in the same manner as before, the old last act. + +This over, they both went out lovingly together, the old lady having +first made him a present, as near as I could observe, of three or four +pieces; he being not only her particular favourite on account of his +performances, but a retainer to the house; from whose sight she had +taken great care hitherto to secret me, lest he might not have had +patience to wait for my lord’s arrival, but have insisted on being his +taster, which the old lady was under too much subjection to him to dare +dispute with him; for every girl of the house fell to him in course, +and the old lady only now and then got her turn, in consideration of +the maintenance he had, and which he could scarce be accused of not +earning from her. + +As soon as I heard them go down-stairs, I stole up softly to my own +room, out of which I had luckily not been missed; there I began to +breathe more free, and to give a loose to those warm emotions which the +sight of such an encounter had raised in me, I laid me down on the bed, +stretched myself out, joining and ardently wishing, and requiring any +means to divert or allay the rekindled rage and tumult of my desires, +which all pointed strongly to their pole: man. I felt about the bed as +if I sought for something that I grasped in my waking dream, and not +finding it, could have cried for vexation; every part of me plowing +with simulated fires. At length, I resorted to the only present remedy, +that of vain attempts at digitation, where the smallness of the theatre +did not yet afford room enough for action, and where the pain my +fingers gave me, in striving for admission, though they procured me a +slight satisfaction for the present, started an apprehension which I +could not be easy till I had communicated to Phœbe and received her +explanations upon it. + +The opportunity, however, did not offer till next morning, for Phœbe +did not come to bed till long after I was gone to sleep. As soon then +as we were both awake, it was but in course to bring our ly-a-bed chat +to hand, on the subject of my uneasiness: to which a recital of the +love scene I had thus, by chance, been spectatress of, served for a +preface. + +Phœbe could not hear it to the end without more than one interruption +by peals of laughter, and my ingenuous way of relating matters did not +a little heighten the joke to her. + +But, on her sounding me how the sight had affected me, without mincing +or hiding the pleasurable emotions it had inspired me with, I told her +at the same time that one remark had perplexed me, and that very +considerably. “Aye!” says she, “what was that?” “Why,” replied I, +“having very curiously and attentively compared the size of that +enormous machine, which did not appear, at least to my fearful +imagination, less than my wrist, and at least three of my hand-fuls +long, to that of the tender small part of me which was framed to +receive it, I could not conceive its being possible to afford it +entrance without dying, perhaps in the greatest pain, since she well +knew that even a finger thrust in there hurt me beyond bearing. As to +my mistress’s and yours, I can very plainly distinguish the different +dimensions of them from mine, palpable to the touch, and visible to the +eye; so that, in short, great as the promised pleasure may be, I am +afraid of the pain of the experiment.” + +Phœbe at this redoubled her laugh, and whilst I expected a very serious +solution of my doubts and apprehensions in this matter, only told me +that “she never heard of a mortal wound being given in those parts, by +that terrible weapon, and that some she knew younger, and as delicately +made as myself, had outlived the operation; that she believed, at the +worst, I should take a great deal of liking; that true it was, there +was a great diversity of sizes in those parts, owing to nature, +child-bearing, frequent over-stretching with unmerciful machines, but +that at a certain age and habit of body, even the most experienced in +those affairs could not well distinguish between the maid and the +woman, supposing too an absence of all artifice, in their natural +situation: but that since chance had thrown in my way one sight of that +sort, she would procure me another, that should feast my eyes more +delicately, and go a great way in the cure of my fears from that +imaginary disproportion”. + +On this she asked me if I knew Polly Phillips? “Undoubterly,” says I, +“the fair girl which was so tender of me when I was sick, and has been, +as you told me, but two months in the house.” “The same,” says Phœbe. +“You must know then, she is kept by a young Genoes merchant, whom his +uncle, who is immensely rich, and whose darling he is, on a pretex of +settling some accounts, but in reality to humour his inclinations for +travelling, and seeing the world. He met casually with this Polly once +in company, and taking a likning to her, makes it worth her while to +keep entirely to him. He comes to her here twice or thrice a week, and +she receives him in the light closet up one pair of stairs, where he +enjoys her in a taste, I suppose, peculiar to the heat, or perhaps the +caprices of his own country, I say no more, but to-morrow being his +day, you shall see what passes between them, from a place only known to +your mistress and myself.” + +You may be sure, in the ply I was now taking, I had no objection to the +proposal, and was rather a tip-toe for its accomplishments. + +At five in the evening next day, Phœbe, punctual to her promise, came +to me as I sat alone in my own room, and beckoned me to follow her. + +We went down the back stairs very softly, and opening the door of a +dark closet, where there was some old furniture kept, and some cases of +liquor, she drew me in after her, and fastened the door upon us, we had +no light but what came through a long crevice in the partition between +ours and the light closet, where the scene of action lay; so that +sitting on those low cases, we could, with the greatest ease, as well +as clearness, see all objects (ourselves unseen), only by applying our +eyes close to the crevice, where the moulding of a panel had warped, or +started a little on the other side. + +The young gentleman was the first person I saw, with his back directly +towards me, looking at a print. Polly was not yet come: in less than a +minute though, the door opened, and she came in; and at the noise the +door made he turned about, and come to meet her, with an air of the +greatest tenderness and satisfaction. + +After saluting her, he led her to a coach that fronted us, where they +both sat down, and the young Genoes helped her to a glass of wine, with +some Naples biscuits on a salver. + +Presently, when they had exchanged a few kisses, and questions in +broken English on one side, he began to unbutton, and, in fine, stript +unto his shirt. + +As if this had been the signal agreed on for pulling off all their +clothes, a scheme which the heat of the season perfectly favoured, +Polly began to draw her pins, and as she had no stays to unlace, she +was in a trice, with her gallant’s officious assistance, undressed to +all but her shift. + +When he saw this, his breeches were immediately loosened, waist and +knee bands, and slipped over his ankles, clean off; his shirt collar +was unbottoned too: then, first giving Polly an encouraging kiss, he +stole, as it were, the shift off the girl, who being, I suppose, broke +and familiarized to this humour, blushed indeed, but less than I did at +the apparition of her, now standing stark naked, just as she came ont +of the hands of pure nature, with her black hair loose and a-float down +her dazzling white neck and shoulders, whilst the deepened carnation of +her cheeks went off gradually into the hue of glazed snow: for such +were the blended tints polish of her skin. + +This girl could not be above eighteen: her face regular and sweet +featured, her shape exquisite; nor could I help envying her two ripe +enchanting breasts, finely plumped out in flesh, but withal so round, +so firm, that they sustained themselves, in scorn of any stay: then +their nipples, pointing different ways, marked their pleasing +separation; beneath them lay the delicious tract of the belly, which +terminated in a parting of rift scarce discerning, that modesty seemed +to retire downward, and seek shelter between two plump fleshy thighs: +the curling hair that overspread its delightful front, clothed it with +the richest sable fur in the universe: in short, she was evidently a +subject for the painters to court her, sitting to them for a pattern +female beauty, in all the true pride and pomp of nakedness. + +The young Italian (still in his shirt) stood gazing and transported at +the sight of beauties that might have fired a dying hermit; his eager +eyes devoured her, as she shifted attitudes at his discretion: neither +were his hands excluded their share of the high feast, but wandered, on +the hunt of pleasure, over every part and inch of her body, so +qualified to afford the most exquisite sense of it. + +In the mean time time, one could not help observing the swell of his +shirt before, that bolstered out, and pointed out the condition of +things behind the curtain: but he soon removed it, by slipping his +shirt over his head; and now, as to nakedness, they had nothing to +reproach one another. + +The young gentleman, by Phœbe’s guess, was about two and twenty; tall +and well limbed. His body was finely formed, and of a most vigorous +make, square shouldered, and broad chested: his face was not remarkable +any way, but for a nose inclining to the Roman, eyes large, black, and +sparkling, and a ruddiness in his cheeks that was the more a grace; for +his complexion was of the brownest, not of that dusky dun colour which +excludes, the idea of freshness, but of that clear, olive gloss, which +glowing with life, dazzles perhaps less than fairness, and yet pleases +more, when it pleases at all. His hair being too short to tie fell no +lower than his neck, in short easy curls; and he had a few sprigs about +his paps, that garnished his chest in a style of strength and +manliness. Then his grand movement, which seemed to rise out of a +thicket of curling hair, that spread from the root all over his thighs +and belly up to the navel, stood stiff and upright, but of a size to +frighten me, by sympathy for the small tender part which was the object +of its fury, and which now lay exposed to my fairest view; for he had, +immediately on stoppings off his shirt, gently pushed her down on the +couch, which stood conveniently to break her willing fall. Her thighs +were spread out to their utmost extention, and discovered between them +the mark of the sex, the red-centered cleft of flesh, whose lips +vermillioning inwards, expressed a small ruby line in sweet miniature, +such as Guide’s touch or colouring: could never attain to the life or +delicacy of. + +Phœbe, at this, gave me a gentle jog, to prepare me for a whisper +question: “Whether I thought my little maiden-head was much less?” But +my attention was too much engrossed, too much inwrapped with all I saw, +to be able to give her any answer. + +By this time the young gentelman had changed her posture from lying +breadth to length-wise on the coach: but her thighs were still spread, +and the mark lay fair for him, who now kneeling between them, displayed +to us a side view of that fierce erect machine of his, which threatened +no less than splitting the tender victim, who lay smiling at the +uplifted stroke, nor seemed to decline it. He looked upon his weapon +himself with some pleasure, and guiding it with his hand to the +inviting; slit, drew aside the lips, and lodged it (after some thrusts, +which Polly seemed even to assist) about half way; but there it stuck, +I suppose from its growing thickness: he draws it again, and just +wetting it with spittle, re-enters, and with ease sheathed it now up to +the hilt, at which Polly gave a deep sigh, which was quite another tone +than one of pain; he thrusts, she heaves, at first gently, and in a +regular cadence; but presently the transport began to be too violent to +observe any order or measure; their motions were too rapid, their +kisses too fierce’ and fervent for nature to support such fury long: +both seemed to me out of themselves: their eyes darted fires: “Oh! oh! +I can’t bear it. It is too much. I die. I am going,” were Polly’s +expressions of extasy: his joys were more silent: but soon broken +murmurs, sighs heart-fetched, and at length a dispatching thrust, as if +he would have forced himself up her body, and then the motionless +languor of all his limbs, all shewed that the die-away moment was come +upon him; which she gave signs of joining with by, the wild throwing of +her hands about, closing her eyes, and giving a deep sob, in which she +seemed to expire in an agony of bliss. + +When he had finished his stroke, and got from off her, she lay still +without the least motion, breathless, as it should seem, with pleasure. +He replaced her again breadth-wise on the couch, unable to sit up, with +her thighs open, between which I could observe a kind of white liquid, +like froth, hanging about the outward lips of that recently opened +wound, which now glowed with a deeper red. Presently she gets up, and +throwing her arms round him, seemed far undelighted with the trial he +had put her to, to judge, at least by the fondness with which she eyed, +and hung upon him. + +For my part, I will not pretend to describe what I felt over me during +this scene; but from that instant, adieu all fears of what man can do +unto me! they were now changed into such ardent desires, such +ungovernable longings, that I could have by the sleeve, and offered him +the bauble, which I now imagined the loss of would be a gain I could +not too soon procure myself. + +Phœbe, who had more experience, and to whom such sights were not so +new, could not however, be unmoved at so warm a scene; and drawing me +away softly from the peeping hole, for fear of being overheard, guided +me as the door as possible, all passive and obedient to her least +signals. + +Here was no room either to sit or lie, but making me stand with my back +towards the door, she lifted up my petticoats, and with her busy +fingers fell to visit and explore that part of me, where I was +perfectly sick and ready to die with desire; that the bare touch of her +finger, in that critical place, had the effect of a fire to a train, +and her hand instantly made her sensible to what a pitch I was wound +up, and melted by the sight she had thus procured me. Satisfied then +with her success, in allaying a heat that would have made me impatient +of seeing the continuation of the transactions between our amourous +couple, she brought me again to the crevice, so favourable to our +curiosity. + +We had certainly been but a few instants away from it, and yet on our +return we saw everything in good forwardness for recommencing the +tender hostilities. + +The young foreigner was sitting down, fronting us, on the coach, with +Polly upon one knee, who had her arms round his neck, whilst the +extreme whiteness of her skin was not undelightfully contrasted by the +smooth glossy brown of her lover’s. + +But who could count the fierce, unnumbered kisses given and taken? In +which I could often discover their mouths were double tongued, and +seemed to favour the mutual insertion with the greatest gust and +delight. + +In the meantime, his red-headed champion, that had so lately fled the +pit, quelled and abashed, was now recovered to the top of his +condition, perked and crested up between Polly’s thighs, who was not +wanting, on her part, to coax and keep it in good humour, stroking it, +with her head down, and receiving even its velvet tip between the lips +of not its proper mouth: whether it was to render it more glib and easy +of entrance, I could not tell; but it had such an effect, that the +young gentleman seemed by his eyes, that sparkled with more excited +lustre, and his inflamed countenance, to receive increase of pleasure. +He got up, and taking Polly in his arms, embraced her, and said +something too softly for me to hear, leading her withal to the foot of +the couch, and taking delight to slap her thighs and posteriors with +that stiff sinew of his, which hit them with a spring that he gave it +with his hand, and made them resound again, but her about as much as he +meant to hurt her, for she seemed to have as frolic a taste as himself. + +But guess my surprise, when I saw the lazy young rogue lie down on his +back, and gently pull down Polly upon him, who giving way to his +humour, stradled, and with her hands conducted her blind favourite to +the right place; and following her impulse, ran directly upon the +flaming point of this weapon of pleasure, which she staked herself +upon, up pierced, and infixed to the extremest hair breadth of it: thus +she sat on him a few instants, enjoying and relishing her situation, +whilst he toyed with her provoking breasts. Sometimes she would stoop +to meet his kiss: but presently the sting of pleasure spurred them up +to fiercer action; then began the storm of heaves, which, from the +undermost combatant, were thrust at the same time, he crossing his +hands over her, and drawing her home to him with a sweet violence: the +inverted strokes of anvil over hammer soon brought on the critical +period, in which all the signs of a close conspiring extasy informed us +of the point they were at. + +For me, I could bear to see no more; I was so overcome, so inflamed at +the second part of the same play, that, mad to an intolerable degree, I +hugged, I clasped Phœbe, as if she had wherewithal to relieve me. +Pleased however with, and pitying the taking she could feel me in, she +drew towards the door, and opening it softly as she could, we both got +off undiscovered, and reconducted me to my own room, where, unable to +keep my legs, in the agitation I was in, I instantly threw myself down +on the bed, where I lay transported, though ashamed at what I felt. + +Phœbe lay down by me, and asked me archly, “if, now that I had seen the +enemy, and fully considered him, I was still afraid of him? or did I +think I could come to a close engagement with him?” To all which, not a +word on my side; I sighed, and could scarcely breathe. She takes hold +of my hand, and having rolled up her own petticoats, forced it half +strivingly, towards those parts, where, now grown more knowing, I +missed the main object of my wishes; and finding not even the shadow of +what I wanted, where every thing was so flat, or so hollow, in the +vexation I was in at it. I should have withdrawn my hand, but for fear +of disobliging her. Abandoning it then entirely to her management, she +made use of it as she thought proper, to procure herself rather the +shadow than the substance of any pleasure. For my part, I now pined for +more solid food, and promised tacitly to myself that I would not be put +off much longer with this foolery of woman to woman, of Mrs. Brown did +not soon provide me with the essential specific. In short, I had all +the air of not being able to wait the arrival of my lord B——, though he +was now expected in a very fews days: nor did I wait for him, for love +itself took charge of the disposal of me, in spite of interest, or +gross lust. + +It was now two days after the closet scene, that I got up about six in +the morning, and leaving my bedfellow fast asleep, stole down, with no +other thought than of taking a little fresh air in a small garden, +which our back parlour opened into, and from which my confinement +debarred me, at the times company came to my house; but now sleep and +silence reigned all over it. + +I opened the parlour door, and well surprised was I at seeing, by the +side of a fire half-out, a young gentleman in the old lady’s elbow +chair, with his legs laid upon another, fast asleep, and left there by +his thoughtless companions, who had drank him down, and then went off +with every one but his mistress, whilst he stayed behind by the +courtesy of the old matron, who would not disturb or turn him out in +that condition at one in the morning; and beds, it is more than +probable there were none to spare. On the table still remained the +punch bowl and glasses, stewed about in their usual disorder after a +drunken revel. + +But when I drew nearer, to view the sleeping estray, heavens! what a +sight! No! term of years, no turn of fortune could ever eraze the +lightninglike impression his form made on me. Yes! dearest object of my +earliest passion, I command for ever the remembrance of thy first +appearance to my ravished eyes, it calls thee up, present; and I see +thee now. + +Figure to yourself, Madam, fair stripling between eighteen and +nineteen, with his head reclined on one of the sides of the chair, his +hair disordered curls, irregularly shading a face, on which all the +roseate bloom of youth and all the manly graces conspired to fix my eye +sand heart; even the languour and paleness of his face, in which the +momentary triumph of the lily over the rose was owing to the excesses +of the night, gave an inexpressible sweetness to the finest features +imaginable: his eyes, closed in sleep, displayed the meeting edges of +their lids beautifully bordered with long eye-lashes; over which no +pencil could have described two more regular arches than those that +graced his forehead, which was high, perfectly white and smooth; then a +pair of vermilion lips, pouting and swelling to the touch, as if a bee +had freshly stung them, seemed to challenge me to get the gloves off +this lovely sleeper, had not the modesty and respect, which in both +sexes are inseparable from a true passion, checked my impulses. + +But on seeing his shirt collar unbottoned, and bosom whiter than a +drift of snow, the pleasure of considering it could not bribe me to +lengthen it, at the hazard of a health that began to be my life’s +concern. Love, that made me timid, taught me to be tender too: with a +trembling hand I took hold of one of his, and waking him as gently as +possible, he started, and looking, at first a little wildly, said with +a voice that sent its harmonious sound to my heart: “Pray, child, +what-a-clock is it?” I told him, and added that he might catch cold if +he slept longer with his breast open in the cool of the morning air. On +this he thanked me with a sweetness perfectly agreeing with that of his +features and eyes; the last now broad open, and eagerly surveying me, +carried the surightly fires they sparkled with directly to my heart. + +It seems, that having drank too freely before he came upon the rake +with some of his young companions, he had put himself out of a +condition to go through all the weapons with them, and crown the night +with a getting a mistress; so that seeing me in a loose undress, he did +not doubt but I was one of the misses of the house, sent in to repair +his loss of time; but though he seized that notion, and a very obvious +one it was, without hesitation, yet, whether my figure made a more than +ordinary impression on him, or whether it was his natural politeness, +he addressed me in a manner far from rude, though still on the foot of +one of the house pliers come to amuse him; and giving me the first kiss +that I ever relished from man in my life, asked me if I could favour +him with my company, assuring me that he would make it worth my while: +but had not even new-born love, that true refiner of lust, opposed so +sudden a surrender, the fear of being surprised by the house was a +sufficient bar to my compliance. + +I told him then, in a tone set by love itself, that for reasons I had +not time to explain to him. I could not stay with him, and might even +ever see him again, with a sigh at these words, which broke from the +bottom of my heart. My conqueror, who, as he afterwards told me, had +been struck with my appearance, and liked me as much as he could think +of liking any one in my supposed way of life, asked me briskly at once, +if I would be kept by him, and that he would take a lodging for me +directly, and relieve me from any engagements he presumed I might be +under to the house. + +Rash, sudden, undigested, even dangerous as this offer might be from a +perfect stranger, and that stranger a giddy boy, the prodigious love I +was struck with for him, had put a charm into every objection: I not +resisting, and blinded me to every objection; I could, at that instant, +have died for him: think if I could resist an invitation to live with +him! Thus my heart, beating strong to the proposal, dictated my answer, +after scarce a minute’s pause, that I would accept of his offer, and +make my escape to him in what way he pleased, and that I would be +entirely at his disposal, let it be good or bad. I have often since +wondered that so great an easiness did not disgust him, or make me too +cheap in his eyes, but my fate had so appointed it, that in his fears +of the hazzard of the town, he had been some time looking out for a +girl to take into keeping, and my person happening to hit his fancy, it +was by one of those miracles reserved to love, that we struck the +bargain in the instant, which we sealed by an exchange of kisses, that +the hopes of a more uninterrupted enjoyment engaged him to content +himself with. + +Never, however, did dear youth carry in his head more wherewith to +justify the turning of a girl’s head, and making her set all +consequences at defiance, for the sake of following a gallant. + +For, besides all the perfections of manly beauty which were assembled +in his form, he had an air of neatness and gentility, certain smartness +in the carriage and port of his head, that yet more distinguished him; +his eyes were sprightly and full of meaning; his looks had in them +something at once sweet and commanding; his complexion out-bloomed the +lovely coloured rose, whilst its inimitable tender vivid glow clearly +saved it from the reproach of wanting life, of raw and dough-like, +which is commonly made of those so extremely fair as he was. + +Our little plan was, that I should get out about seven the next morning +(which I could readily promise, as I knew where to get the key of the +street door) and he would wait at the end of the street with a coach to +convey me safe off; after which, we would send, and clear any debt +incurred by my stay at Mrs. Brown’s, who, he only judged, in gross, +might not care to part with one, he thought, so fit to draw custom to +the house. + +I then just hinted to him not to mention in the house his having seen +such a person as me, for reasons I would explain to him more at +leisure. And then, for fear of miscarrying, by being seen together, I +tore myself from him with a bleeding heart, and stole up softly to my +room, where I found Phœbe still fast asleep, and hurrying off my few +clothes, lay down by her, with a mixture of joy and anxiety, that may +be easier conceived than expressed. + +The risks of Mrs. Brown’s discovering my purpose, of disappointments, +misery, ruin, all vanished before this new-kindled flame. The seeing, +the touching, the being, if but for a night, with this idol of my fond +virgin heart, appeared to me a happiness above the purchase of my +liberty or life. He might use me ill, let him: he was the master, +happy, too happy, even to receive death at so dear a hand. + +To this purpose were the reflections of the whole day, of which every +minute seemed to me a little eternity. How often did I visit the clock! +nay, was tempted to advance the tedious hand, as if that would have +advanced the time with it! Had those of the house had the least +observations on me, they must have remarked something extraordinary +from the discomposure I could not help betraying; especially when at +dinner mention was made of the charmingest youth having been there, and +stayed breakfast. “Oh! he was such a beauty!... I should have died for +him!... they would pull caps for him!...” and the like fooleries; +which, however, was throwing oil on a fire I was sorely put to it to +smother the blaze of. + +The fluctuations of my mind, the whole day, produced one good effect: +which was, that, through mere fatigue, I slept tolerably well till five +in the morning, when I got up, and having dressed myself, waited, under +the double tortures of fear and impatience, for the appointed hour. It +came at last, the dear, critical, dangerous hour came; and now, +supported only by the courage love lent me, I ventured, a tip-toe, down +stairs, leaving my box behind, for fear of being surprized with it in +going out. + +I got to the street door, the key whereof was always laid on the chair +by our bed side, in trust with Phœbe, who having not the least +suspicion of my entertaining any design to go from them (nor, indeed, +had I, but the day before), made no reserve or concealment of it from +me. I opened the door with great ease; love, that emboldened, protected +me too: and now, got safe into the street, I saw my new guardian angel +waiting at a coach door, ready open. How I got to him I know not: I +suppose I flew; but I was in the coach in a trice, and he by the side +of me, with his arms clasped round me, and giving me the kiss of +welcome. The coachman had his orders, and drove to them. + +My eyes were instantly filled with tears, but tears of the most +delicious delight; to find myself in the arms of that beauteous youth, +was a rapture that my little hear swam in; past or future were equally +out of the question with me; the present was as much as all my powers +of life were sufficient to bear the transport of, without fainting. Nor +were the most tender embraces, the most soothing expressions wanting on +his side, to assure me of his love, and of never giving me cause to +repent the bold step I had taken, in throwing myself thus entirely upon +his honour and generosity. But, alas! this was no merit in me, for I +was drove to it by a passion too impetuous for me to resist, and, I did +what I did, because I could not help it. + +In an instant, for time was now annihilated with me, we were landed at +a public house in Chelsea, hospitably commodious for the reception of +duet parties of pleasure, where a breakfast of chocolate was prepared +for us. + +An old jolly stager, who kept it, and understood life perfectly well, +breakfasted with us, and leering archly at me, gave us both joy, and +said, “we were well paired, i’ faith! that a great many gentlemen and +ladies used his house, but he had never seen a handsomer couple... he +was sure I was a fresh piece... I looked so country, so innocent! well +my spouse was a lucky man!...” all which, common landlord’s cant, not +only pleased and soothed me, but helped to diver my confusion at being +with my new sovereign, whom, the minute approached, I began to fear to +be alone with: a timidity which true love had a greater share in than +even maiden bashful-ness. + +I wished, I doated, I could have died for him; and yet, I know not how, +or why I dreaded the point which had been the object of my fiercest +wishes; my pulses beat fears, amidst a flush of the warmest desires. +This struggle of the passions, however, this conflict betwixt modesty +and lovesick longings, made me burst again into tears; which he took, +as he had done before, only for the remains of concern and emotion at +the suddenness of my change of condition, in committing myself to his +care; and, in consequence of that idea, did and said all that he +thought would most comfort and re-inspirit me. + +After breakfast, Charles (the dear familiar name I must take the +liberty henceforward to distinguish my Adonis by), with a smile full of +meaning, took me gently by the hand, and said: “Come, my dear, I will +show you a room that commands a fine prospect over some gardens”; and +without waiting for an answer, in which he relieved me extremely, he +led me up into a chamber, airy and lightsome, where all seeing of +prospects was out of the question, except that of a bed, which had all +the air of recommending the room to him. + +Charles had just slipped the bolt of the door, and running, caught me +in his arms, and lifting me from the ground, with his lips glued to +mine, bore me trembling, panting, dying with soft fears and tender +wishes, to the bed; where his impatience would not suffer him to +undress me, more than just unpinning my handkerchief and gowns, and +unlacing my stays. + +My bosom was now bare, and rising in the warmest throbs, presented to +his sight and feeling the firm hard swell of a pair of young breast, +such as may be imagined of a girl not sixteen, fresh out of the +country, and never before handled: but even their pride, whiteness, +fashion, pleasing resistance to the touch, could not bribe his restless +hands from roving; but, giving them the loose, my petticoats and shift +were soon taken up, and their stronger center of attraction laid open +to their tender invasion. My fears, however, made me mechanically close +my thighs; but the very touch of his hand insinuated between them, +disclosed them and opened a way for the main attack. + +In the mean time, I lay fairly exposed to the examination of his eyes +and hands, quiet and unresisting; which confirmed him the opinion he +proceeded so cavalierly upon, that I was no novice in these matters, +since he had taken me out of a common bawdy house, nor had I said one +thing to prepossess him of my virginity; and if I had, he would sooner +have believed that I took him for a cully that would swallow such an +improbability, than that I was still mistress of that darling treasure, +that hidden mine, so eagerly sought after by the men, and which they +never dig for, but to destroy. + +Being now too high wound up to bear a delay, he unbuttoned, and drawing +out the engine of love assaults, drove it currently, as at a ready made +breach... Then! then! for the first time, did I feel that stiff +horn-hard gristle, battering against the tender part; but imagine to +yourself his surprise, when he found, after several vigorous pushes, +which hurt me extremely, that he made not the least impression. + +I complained, but tenderly complained: “I could not bear it... indeed +he hurt me!...” Still he thought no more, than that being so young, the +largeness of his machine (for few men could dispute size with him) made +all the difficulty; and that possibly I had not been enjoyed by any so +advantageously made in that part as himself: for still, that my virgin +flower was yet un-cropped, never entered into his head, and he would +have thought it idling with time and words, to have questioned me upon +it. + +He tried again, still no admittance, still no penetration; but he had +hurt me yet more, while my extreme love made me bear extreme pain, +almost without a groan. At length, after repeated fruitless trials, he +lay down panting by me, kissed my falling tears, and asked me tenderly +“what was the meaning of so much complaining? and if I had not borne it +better from other than I did from him?” I answered, with a simplicity +framed to persuade, that he was the first man that ever served me so. +Truth is powerful, and it is not always that we do not believe what we +eagerly wish. + +Charles, already disposed by the evidence, of his senses to think my +pretences to virginity not entirely apocryphal, smothers me with +kisses, begs me, in the name of love, to have a little patience, and +that he wilt be as tender of hurting me as he would be of himself.. + +Alas! it was enough I knew his pleasure to submit joyfully to him, +whatever pain I foresaw it would cost, me. + +He now resumes his attempts in more form: first, he put one of the +pillows under me, to give the blank of his aim a more favourable +elevation, and another Under my head, in ease of it; then spreading my +thighs, and placing himself standing betwen them, made them rest upon +his; applying then the point of his machine to the slit, into which he +sought entrance, it was so small, he could scarce assure himself of its +being rightly pointed. He looks, he feels, and satisfies himself: there +driving on with fury, its prodigious stiffness, thus impacted, +wedgelike, breaks the union of those parts, and gained him just the +insertion of the tip of it, lip deep; which being sensible of, he +improved his advantage, and following well his stroke, in a straight +line, forcibly deepens his penetration; but put me to such intolerable +pain, from the separation of the sides of that soft passage by a hard +thick body, I could have screamed out; but, as I was unwilling to alarm +the house, I held in my breath, and crammed my petticoat, which was; +turned up over my face, into my mouth, and bit it through in the agony. +At length, the tender texture of that tract giving way to such fierce +tearing and rending, he pierced something further into me: and now, +outrageous and no longer his own master, but borne headlong away by the +fury and over-mettle of that member, now exerting itself with a kind of +native rage, he breaks in, carries all before him, and one violent +merciless lunge, sent it, imbrued, and reeking with virgin blood, up to +the very hilt in me... Then! then all my resolution deserted me: I +screamed out, and fainted away with the sharpness of the pain; and, as +he told me afterwards, on his drawing out, when emission was over with +him, my thighs were instantly all in a stream of blood, that flowed +from the wounded torn passage. + +When I recovered my senses, I found myself undressed and a-bed, in the +arms of the sweet relenting murderer of my virginity, who hung mourning +tenderly over me, and holding in his hand a cordial, which, coming from +the still dear author of so much pain, I could not refuse; my eyes, +however, moistened with tears, and languishingly turned upon him, +seemed to reproach him with his cruelty, and ask him, if such were the +rewards of love. But Charles, to whom I was now infinitely endeared by +his complete triumph over a maidenhead, where he so little expected to +find one, in tenderness to that pain which he had put me to, in +procuring himself the height of pleasure, smothered his exultation, and +employed himself with so much sweetness, so much warmth, to sooth, to +caress, and comfort me in my soft complainings, which breathed, indeed, +more love than resentment, that I presently drowned all sense of pain +in the pleasure of seeing him, of thinking that I belonged to him: he +who was now the absolute disposer of my happiness, and, in one word, my +fate. + +The sore was, however, too tender, the wound too bleeding fresh, for +Charles’s good-nature to put my patience presently to another trial; +but as I could not stir, or walk a-cross the room, he ordered the +dinner to be brought to the bed side, where it could not be otherwise +than my getting down the wing of a fowl, and two or three glasses of +wine, since it was my adored youth who both served, and urged them on +me, with that sweet irresistible authority with which love had invested +him over me. + +After dinner, and everything but the wine was taken away, Charles very +impudently asks a leave, he might read the grant of in my eyes, to come +to bed to me, and accordingly falls to undressing; which I could not +see the progress of without strange emotions of fear and pleasure. + +He is now in bed with me the first time, and in broad day; but when +thrusting up his own shirt and my shift, he laid his naked glowing body +to mine... oh insupportable delight! oh! superhuman rapture! what pain +could stand before a pleasure so transporting? I felt no more the smart +of my wounds below; but, curling round him like the tendril of a vine, +as if I feared any part of him should be untouched or unpressed by me, +I returned his strenuous embraces and kisses with a fervour and gust +only known to true love, and which mere lust never rise to. + +Yes, even at this time, that all the tyranny of the passions is fully +over, and that my veins roll no longer but a cold tranquil stream, the +remembrance of those passages that most affected me in my youth, still +cheers and refreshes me; let me proceed then. My beauteous youth was +now glued to me in all the folds and twists that we could make our +bodies meet in; when, no longer able to rein in the fierceness of +refreshed desires, he gives his steed the head, and gently insinuating +his thighs between mine, stopping my mouth with kisses of humid fire, +makes a fresh eruption, and renewing his thrusts, pierces, tears, and +forces his way up the torn tender folds, that yielded him admission +with a smart little less severe that when the breach was first made I +stifled, however, my cries, and bore him with the passive fortitude of +an heroine; soon his thrusts, more and more furious, cheeks flushed +with a deeper scarlet, his eyes turned up in the fervent fit, some +dying sighs, and an agonizing shudder, announced the approaches of that +ecstatic pleasure, I was yet in too much pain to come in for my share +of. + +Nor was it till after a few enjoyments had numbed and blunted the sense +of the smart, and given me to feel the titillating inspersion of +balsamic sweets, drew from me the delicious return, and brought down +all my passion, that I arrived at excess of pleasure through excess of +pain. But, when successive engagements had broke and inured me, I began +to enter into the true unalloyed relish of that pleasure of pleasures, +when the warm gush darts through all the ravished inwards; what floods +of bliss! what melting transports! what agonies of delight! too fierce, +too mighty for nature to sustain?... well has she therefore, no doubt +provided the relief of a delicious momentary dissolution, the +approaches of which are intimated by a dear delirium, a sweet thrill, +on the point of emitting those liquid sweets, in which enjoyment itself +is drowned, when one gives the languishing stretch out, and die at the +discharge. + +How often, when the rage and tumult of my senses had subsided, after +the melting flow, have I, in a tender meditation, asked myself cooly +the question, if it was in nature for any of its creatures to be so +happy as I was? Or, what were all fears of the consequence, put in the +scale of one night’s enjoyment, of any thing so transcendently the +taste of my eyes and heart, as that delicious, fond, matchless youth. + +Thus we spent the whole afternoon, till supper time in a continued +circle of love delights, kissing, turtle-billing, toying, and all the +rest of the feast. At length, supper was served in, before which +Charles had, for I do not know what reason, slipped his clothes on; and +sitting down by the bed side, we made table and tablecloth of the bed +and sheets, whilst he suffered nobody to attend or serve but himself. +He ate with a very good appetite, and seemed charmed to see me eat. For +my part, I was so transported with the comparison of the delights I now +swam in, with the insipidity of all my past scenes of life, that I +thought them sufficiently cheap, at even the price of my ruin, or the +risk of their not lasting. The present possession was all my little +head could find room for. + +We lay together that night, when, after playing repeated prizes of +pleasure, nature, overspent and satisfied, gave us up to the arms of +sleep: those of my dear youth encircled me, the consciousness of which +made even that sleep more delicious. + +Late in the morning I waked, first; and observing my lover slept +profoundly, softly disengaged myself from his arms, scarcely daring to +breathe, for fear of shortening his repose; my cap, my hair, my shift, +were all in disorder, from the rufflings I had undergone; and I took +this opportunity to adjust and set them as well as I could: whilst, +every now and then, looking at the sleeping youth, with inconceivable +fondness and delight, and reflecting on all the pain he had put me to, +tacitly owned that the pleasure had overpaid me for my sufferings. + +It was then broad day. I was sitting up in the bed, the clothes of +which were all tossed, or rolled off, by the unquietness of our +motions, from the sultry heat of the weather; nor could I refuse myself +a pleasure that solicited me so irresistibly, as this fair occasion of +feasting my sight with all those treasures of youthful beauty I had +enjoyed, and which lay now almost entirely naked, his shirt being +trussed up in a perfect wisp, which the warmth of the season and room +made me easy about the consequence of. I hung over him enamoured +indeed! and devoured all his naked charms with only two eyes, when I +could have wished them at least an hundred for the fuller enjoyment of +the gaze. + +Oh! could I paint his figure as I see it now, still present to my +transported imagination! a whole length of an all perfect manly beauty +in full view. Think of a face without a fault, glowing with all the +opening bloom and verdant freshness of an age, in which beauty is of +either sex, and which the first down over his upper lip scarce began to +distinguish. + +The parting of the double ruby pout of his lips seemed to exhale an air +sweeter and purer than what it drew in: ah! what violence did it not +cost me to refrain the so tempted kiss! + +Then a neck exquisitely turned, graved behind and on the sides with +fais hair, playing freely in natural ringlets, connected his head to a +body of the most perfect form, and of the most vigorous contexture, in +which all the strength of manhood was concealed, and softened to +appearance by the delicacy of his complexion, the smoothness of his +skin, and the plumpness of his flesh. + +The platform of his snow white bosom, that was laid out in a manly +proportion, presented, on the vermilion summit of each pap, the idea of +a rose about to blow. + +Nor did his shirt hinder me from observing the symmetry of his limbs, +that exactness of shape, in the fall of it towards the loins, where the +waist ends and the rounding swell of the hips commences; where the +skin, sleek, smooth, and dazzling white, burnishes on; the stretch-over +firm, plump, ripe flesh, that crimped’ and ran into dimples at the +least pressure, or that the touch could not rest upon, but slid over on +the surface of the most polished ivory. + +His thighs, finely fashioned, and with a florid glossy roundness, +gradually tapering away to the knees, seemed pillars worthy to support +that beauteous frame at the bottom of which I could not, without some +remains of terror, some tender emotions too, fix my eyes on that +terrible machine, which had, not long before, with such fury broke +into, torn, and almost ruined those soft, tender parts of mine, that +had not yet done smarting with the effects of its rage; but behold it +now! crest fallen, reclining its half-caped vermilion head over one of +his thighs, quiet, pliant, and to all appearances incapable of the +mischiefs and cruelty it had committed. Then the beautiful growth of +the hair, in short and soft curls round its roots, its whiteness, +branched veins, the supple softness of the shaft, as it lay +foreshortened, rolled and shrunk up into a squat thickness, languid, +and borne up from between his thighs, by its globular appendage, that +wondrous treasure bag of nature’s sweets, which revelled round, and +pursed up in the only wrinkles that are known to please, perfected the +prospect, and altogether formed the most interesting moving picture in +nature, and surely infinitely superior to those nudities furnished by +the painters, statuaries, or any art, which are purchased at immense +prices; whilst the sight of them in actual life is scarce sovereignly +tasted by any but the few whom nature has endowed with a fire of +imagination, warmly pointed by a truth of judgment to the spring-head, +the originals of beauty, of nature’s unequalled composition, above all +the imitations of art, or the reach of wealth to pay their price. + +But every thing must have an end. A motion made by this angelic youth, +in the listlessness of goingoff sleep, replaced his shirt and the bed +clothes in a posture that shut up that treasury from longer view. + +I lay down then, and carrying my hands to that part of me in which the +objects just seen had begun to raise a mutiny, that prevailed over the +smart of them, my fingers now opened themselves an easy passage; but +long I had not time to consider the wide difference there, between the +maid and the now finished woman, before Charles waked, and turning +towards me, kindly enquired how I had rested? and, scarce giving me +time to answer, imprinted on my lips one of his burning rapture kisses, +which darted a flame to my heart, that from thence radiated to every +part of me; and presently, as if he had proudly meant revenge for the +survey I had smuggled of all his naked beauties, he spurns off the bed +clothes, and trussing up my shift as high as it would go, took his turn +to feast his eyes on all the gifts nature had bestowed on my person; +his busy hands, too, ranged intemperately over every part of me. The +delicious austerity and hardness of my yet unripe budding breasts, the +whiteness and firmness of my flesh, the freshness and regularity of my +features, the harmony of my limbs, all seemed to confirm him in his +satisfaction with his bargain; but when curious to explore the havock +he had made in the centre of his over fierce attack, he not only +directed his hands there, but with a pillow put under, placed me +favourably for his wanton purpose of inspection. Then, who can express +the fire his eyes glistened, his hands glowed with! whilst sighs of +pleasure, and tender broken exclamations, were all the praises he could +utter. By this time his machine, stiffly risen at me, gave me to see it +in its highest state and bravery. He feels it himself, seems pleased at +its condition, and, smiling loves and graces, seizes one of my hands, +and carries it, with gentle compulsion, to this pride of nature, and +its richest master piece. + +I, struggling faintly, could not help feeling what I could not grasp, a +column of the whitest ivory, beautifully streaked with blue veins, and +carrying, fully un-capt, a head of the liveliest vermilion: no horn +could be harder or stiffer; yet no velvet more smooth or delicious to +the touch. Presently he guided my hand lower, to that part in which +nature, and pleasure keep their stores in concert, so aptly fastened +and hung on to the root of their first instrument and minister, that +not improperly he might be styled their purse-bearer too: there he made +me feel distinctly, through their soft cover, the contents, a pair of +roundish balls, that seemed to play within, and elude all pressure, but +the tenderest, from without. + +But now this visit of my soft, warm hand, in those so sensible parts, +had put every thing into such ungovernable fury, disdaining all further +preluding, and taking advantage of my commodious posture, he made the +storm fall where I scarce patiently expected, and where he was sure to +lay it: presently, then, I felt the stiff intersection betwen the +yielding, divided lips of the wound, now open for life; where the +narrowness no longer put me to intolerable pain, and afforded my lover +no more difficulty than what heightened his pleasure, in the strict +embrace of that tender, warm sheath, round the instrument it was so +delicately adjusted to, and which now cased home, so gorged me with +pleasure, that it perfectly suffocated me and took away my breath; then +the killing thrusts! the unnumbered kisses! every one of which was a +joy inexpressible; and that joy lost in a crowd of yet greater blisses! +But this was a disorder too violent in nature to last long: the +vessels, so stirred and intensely heated, soon boiled over, and for +that time put out the fire; meanwhile all this dalliance and disport +had so far consumed the morning, that it became a kind of necessity to +lay breakfast and dinner into one. + +In our calmer intervals Charles gave the following account of himself, +every tittle of which was true. He was the only son of a father, who, +having a small post in the revenue, rather overlived his income, and +had given this young gentleman a very slender education: no profession +had he bred him up to, but designed to provide for him in the army, by +purchasing him an ensign’s commission, that is to say, provided he +could raise the money, or procure it by interest, either of which +clauses was rather to be wished than hoped for by him. On no better a +plan, however, had his improvident father suffered this youth, a youth +of great promise, to run up to the age of manhood, or near it at least, +in next to idleness; and had, besides, taken no sort of pains to give +him even the common premonitions against the vices of the town, and the +dangers of all sorts which wait the unexperienced and unwary in it. He +lived at home, and at discretion with his father, who himself kept a +mistress; and for the rest, provided Charles did not ask him for money, +he was indolently kind to him: he might lie out when he pleased, any +excuse would serve, and even his reprimands were so slight, that they +carried with them rather an air of connivance at the fault, than any +serious control or constraint. But, to supply his calls for money, +Charles, whose mother was dead, had, by her side, a grandmother, who +doated upon him. She had a considerable annuity to live on, and very +regularly parted with every shilling she could spare, to this darling +of her’s, to the no little heart-burn of his father; who was vexed, not +that she, by this means, fed his son’s extravagance, but that she +preferred Charles to himself; and we shall too soon see what a fatal +turn such a mercenary jealousy could operate on the breast of a father. + +Charles was, however, by the means of his grandmother’s lavish +fondness, very sufficiently enabled to keep a mistress, so easily +contented as my love made me; and my good fortune, for such I must ever +call it, threw me in his way, in the manner above related, just as he +was on the look-out for one. + +As to temper, the even sweetness of it made him seem born for domestic +happiness: tender, naturally polite, and gentle-manner’d; it could +never be his fault, if ever jars, or animosities ruffled a calm he was +so qualified every way to maintain or restore. Without those great or +shining qualities that constitute a genius, or are fit to make a noise +in the world, he had all those humble ones that compose the softer +social merit: plain common sense, set off with every grace of modesty +and good nature, made him, if not admired, what is much happier: +universally beloved and esteemed. But, as nothing but the beauties of +his person had at first attracted my regard and fixed my passion, +neither was I then a judge of the internal merit, which I had +afterwards full occasion to discover, and which, perhaps, in that +season of giddiness and levity, would have touched my heart very +little, had it been lodged in a person less the delight of my eyes, and +idol of my senses. But to return to our situation. + +After dinner, which we ate a-bed in most voluptuous disorder, Charles +got up, and taking a passionate leave of me for a few hours, went to +town, where concerting matters with a young sharp lawyer, they went +together to my late venerable mistress’s, from whence I had, but the +day before, made my elopement, and with whom he was determined to +settle accounts, in a manner that should cut off all after reckonings +from that quarter. + +Accordingly they went; but by the way, the Templar, his friend, on +thinking over Charles’s information, saw reason to give their visit +another turn, and, instead of offering satisfaction, to demand it. + +On being let in, the girls of the house flocked round Charles, whom +they knew, and from the earlyness of my escape, and their perfect +ignorance of his ever having so much as seen me, not having the least +suspicion of his being accessory to my flight, they were, in their way, +making up to him; and as to his companion, they took him probably for a +fresh cully. But the Templar soon checked their forwardness, by +enquiring for the old lady, with whom he said, with a grave-like +countenance, that he had some business to settle. + +Madam was immediately sent for down, and the ladies being desired to +clear the room, the lawyer asked her, severely, if she did know, or had +not decoyed, under pretence of hiring as a servant, a young girl, just +come out of the country, called Frances or Fanny Hill, describing me +withal as particularly as he could from Charlie’s description. + +It is peculiar to vice to tremble at the enquiries of justice; and Mrs. +Brown, whose conscience was not entirely clear upon my account, as +knowing as she was of the town as hackneyed as she was in bluffing +through all the dangers of her vocation, could not help being alarmed +at the questions, especially when he went on to talk of a Justice of +peace, Newgate, the Old Bailey, indictments for keeping a disorderly +house, pillory, carting, and the whole process of that nature. She, +who, it is likely, imagined I had lodged an information against her +house, looked extremely blank, and began to make a thousand +protestations and excuses. However, to abridge, they brought away +triumphantly my box of things, which, had she not ben under an awe, she +might have disputed with them; and not only that, but a clearance and +discharge of any demands on the house, at the expense of no more than a +bowl of arrack-punch, the treat of which, together with the choice of +the house conveniences, was offered and not accepted. Charles all the +time acted the chance companion of the lawyer, who had brought him +there, as he knew the house, and appeared in no wise interested in the +issue; but he had the collateral pleasure of hearing all that I told +him verified, as far as the bawd’s fears would give her leave to enter +into my history, which, if one may guess by the composition she so +readily came into, were not small. + +Phœbe, my kind tutoress Phœbe, was at the time gone out, perhaps in +search of me, or their cooked-up story had not, it is probable, passed +smoothly. + +This negociation had, however, taken up some time, which would have +appeared much longer to me, left as I was, in a strange house, if the +landlady, a motherly sort of a woman, to whom Charles had liberally +recommended me, had not come up and borne me company. We drank tea, and +her chat helped to pass away the time very agreeably, since he was our +theme; but as the evening deepened, and the hour set for his return was +elapsed, I could not dispel the gloom of impatience, and tender fears +which gathered upon me, and which our timid sex are apt to feel in +proportion to their love. + +Long, however, I did not suffer: the sight of him over-paid me; and the +soft reproach I had prepared for him, expired before it reached my +lips. + +I was still a-bed, yet unable to use my legs otherwise than awkwardly, +and Charles flew to me, catches me in his arms, raised and extending +mine to meet his dear embrace, and gives me an account, interrupted by +many a sweet parenthesis of kisses, of the success of his measures. + +I could not help laughing at the fright of the old woman had been put +into, which my ignorance, and indeed my want of innocence, had far from +prepared me from bespeaking. She had, it seems, apprehended that I fled +the shelter to some relation I had recollected in town, on my dislike +of their ways and proceedings towards me, and that this application +came from thence; for, as Charles had rightly judged, not one neighbour +had, at that still hour, seen the circumstance of my escape into the +coach, or, at least, noticed him; neither had any in the house, the +least hint of suspicion of my having spoken to him, much less of my +having clapt up such a sudden bargain with a perfect stranger, thus the +greatest improbability is not always what we should most mistrust. + +We supped with all the gaiety of two young giddy creatures at the top +of their desires; and as I had given up to Charles the whole charge of +my future happiness, I thought of nothing beyond the exquisite pleasure +of possessing him. + +He came to bed in due time; and this second night, the pain being +pretty well over, I tasted, in full draught, all the transports of +perfect enjoyment: I swam, I bathed in bliss, till both fell asleep, +through the natural consequences of satisfied desires, and appeased +flames; nor did we wake but to renewed raptures. + +Thus, making the most of love, and life did we stay in this lodging in +Chelsea about ten days; in which time Charles took care to give his +excursions from home a favourable gloss, and to keep his footing with +his fond indulgent grand-mother, from whom he drew constant and +sufficient supplies for the charge I was to him, and which was very +trifling, in comparison with his former less regular course of +pleasure. + +Charles removed me then to a private ready furnished lodging in D.... +street, St. James’s, where he paid half a guinea a week for two rooms +and a closet on the second floor, which he had been some time looking +out for, and was more convenient for the frequency of his visits, than +where he had at first placed me, in a house, which I cannot say but I +left with regret, as it was infinitely endeared to me by the first +possession of my Charles, and the circumstance of losing, there, that +jewel, which can never be twice lost. The landlord, however, had no +reason to complain of any thing, but of a procedure in Charles too +liberal not to make him regret the loss of us. + +Arrived at our new lodging, I remember I thought them extremely fine, +though ordinary enough, even at that price; but, had it been a dungeon +that Charles had brought me to, his presence would have made a little +Versailles. + +The landlady, Mrs. Jones, waited on us to our apartment, and with great +volubility of tongue, explained to us all its conveniences: “that her +own maid should wait on us... that the best of quality had lodged at +her house... that her first floor was let to a foreign secretary of an +embassy, and his lady... that I looked like a very good natured +lady...” At the word lady, I blushed out of flattered vanity: this was +strong for a girl of my condition; for though Charles had the +precaution of dressing me in a less tawdry flaunting style than were +the clothes I escaped to him in, and of passing me for his wife, that +she had secretly married, and kept private (the old story) on account +of his friends, I dare swear this appeared extremely apocryphal to a +woman who knew the town so well as she did; but that was the least of +her concern: it was impossible to be less scruple-ridden than she was; +and the advantage of letting her rooms being her sole object, the truth +itself would have far from scandalized her, or broke her bargain. + +A sketch of her picture, and personal history, will dispose you to +account for the part she is to act in my concern. + +She was about forty six years old, tall, meagre, red-haired, with one +of those trivial ordinary faces you meet with every where, and go about +unheeded and un-mentioned. In her youth she had been kept by a +gentleman, who, dying, left her forty pounds a year during her life, in +consideration of a daughter he had by her: which daughter, at the age +of seventeen, she sold, for not a very considerable sum neither, to a +gentleman who was going on envoy abroad, and took his purchase with +him, where he used her with the utmost tenderness, and it is thought, +was secretly married to her: but had constantly made a point of her not +keeping up the least correspondence with a mother base enough to make a +market of her own flesh and blood. However, as she had not nature, nor, +indeed, any passion but that of money, this gave her no further +uneasiness, then, as she thereby lost a handle of squeezing presents, +or other after advantages, out of the bargain. Indifferent then, by +nature of constitution, to every other pleasure but that of increasing +the lump, by any means whatever, she commenced a kind of private +procuress, for which she was not amiss fitted, by her grave decent +appearance, and sometimes did a job in the match-making way; in short, +there was, nothing that appeared to her under the shape of gain, that +she would not have undertaken. She knew most of the ways of the town, +having not only herself been upon, but kept up constant intelligences +in promoting a harmony between the two sexes, in private pawn-broking, +and other profitable secrets. She rented the house she lived in, and +made the most of it, by letting it out in lodgings; though she was +worth, at least, near three or four thousand pounds, she would not +allow herself even the necessaries, of life, and pinned her subsistence +entirely on what she could squeeze out of her lodgers. + +When she saw such a young pair come under her roof, her immediate +notions, doubtless, were how she should make the most money of us, by +every means that money might be made, and which, she rightly judged, +our situations and inexperience would soon beget her occasions of. + +In this hopeful sanctuary, and under the clutches of this harpy, did we +pitch our residence. It will not be might material to you, or very +pleasant to me, to enter into a detail of all the petty cut-throat ways +and means with which she used to fleece us; all which Charles +indolently chose to bear with, rather than take the trouble of +removing, the difference of expense being scarce attended to by a young +gentleman who had no ideas of stint, or even economy, and a raw country +girl who knew nothing of the matter. + +Here, however, under the wings of my sovereignly beloved, did the most +delicious hours of my life flow on; my Charles I had, and, in him, +every thing my fond heart could wish or desire. He carried me to plays, +operas, masquerades, and every diversion of the town; all which pleased +me, indeed, but pleased me infinitely the more for his being with me, +and explaining every thing to me, and enjoying perhaps, the natural +impressions of surprise and admiration, which such sights, at the +first, never fail to excite in a country girl, new to the delights of +them; but to me, they sensibly proved the power and dominion of the +sole passion of my heart over me, a passion in which soul and body were +concentered, and left me no room for any other relish of life but love. + +As to the men I saw at those places, or at any other, they suffered so +much in the comparison my eyes made of them with my all-perfect Adonis, +that I had not the infidelity even of one wandering thought to reproach +myself with upon his account. He was the universe to me, and all that +was not him, was nothing to me. + +My love, in fine, was so excessive, that is arrived at annihilating +every suggestion or kindling spark of jealousy; for, one idea only, +tending that way, gave me such exquisite torment, that my self-love, +and dread of worse than death, made me for ever renounce and defy it: +nor had I, indeed, occasion; for, were I to enter here on the recital +of several instances wherein Charles sacrificed to me women of much +greater importance than I dare hint (which, considering his form, was +no such wonder), I might, indeed, give you full proof of his unshaken +constancy to me; but would not you accuse me of warming up against a +feast, which my vanity ought long ago to have been satisfied with? + +In our cessations from active pleasure, Charles framed himself one, in +instructing me, as far as his own lights reached, in a great many +points of life, that I was, in consequence of my no-education, +perfectly ignorant of: nor did I suffer one word to fall in vain from +the mouth of my lovely teacher: I hung on every syllable he uttered, +and received, as oracles, all he said; whilst kisses were all the +interruption I could not refuse myself the pleasure of admitting, from +lips that breathed more than Arabian sweetness, I was in a little time +enabled, by the progress I had made, to prove the deep regard I had +paid to all that he had said to me: repeating it to him almost word for +word; and to shew that I was not entirely the parrot, but that I +reflected upon, that I entered into it, I joined my own comments, and +asked him questions of explanation. + +My country accent, and the rusticity of my gait, manners, and +deportment, began now sensibly to wear off: so quick was my +observation, and so efficacious my desire of growing every day worthier +of his heart. + +As to money, though, he brought me constantly all he received, it was +with difficulty he even got me to give it room in my bureau; and what +clothes I had, he could prevail on me to accept of on no other foot, +than that of pleasing him by the greater neatness in my dress, beyond +which I had no ambition. I could have made a pleasure of the greatest +toil, and worked my fingers to the bone, with joy, to have supported +him: guess, then, if I could harbour any idea of being burthensome to +him, and this disinterested turn in me was so unaffected, so much the +dictate of my heart, that Charles could not but feel it: and if he did +not love me as much as I did him (which was the constant and only +matter of sweet contention between us), he managed so, at least, as to +give me the satisfaction of believing it impossible for man to be more +tender, more true, more faithful than he was. + +Our landlady, Mrs. Jones, came frequently up to my apartment, from +whence I never stirred on any pretext without Charles; nor was it long +before she wormed out, without much art, the secret of our having +cheated the church of a ceremony, and, in course, of the terms we lived +together upon; a circumstance which far from displeased her, +considering the designs she had upon me, and which, alas! she will have +too soon, room to carry into execution. But in the meantime, her own +experience of life let her see, that any attempt, however indirect or +disguised, to divert or break, at least presently, so strong a cement +of hearts as ours was, could only end in losing two lodgers, of whom +she had made very competent advantages, if either of us came to smoke +her commission, for a commission she had from one of her customers, +either to debauch, or get me away from my keeper at any rate. + +But the barbarity of my fate soon saved her the task of disuniting us. +I had now been eleven months with this life of my life, which had +passed in one continued rapid stream of delight: but nothing so violent +was ever made to last. I was about three months gone with a child by +him, a circumstances would have added to his tenderness, had he ever +left me room to believe it could receive an addition, when the mortal, +the unexpected blow of separation fell upon us. I shall gallop +post-over the particulars, which I shudder yet to think of, and cannot; +to this instant, reconcile myself how, or by what means I could +out-live it. + +Two live-long days had I lingered through without hearing from him, I +who breathed, who existed but in him, and had never yet seen +twenty-four hours pass without seeing or hearing from him. The third +day my impatience was so strong, my alarms had been so severe, that I +perfectly sickened with them; and being unable to support the shock +longer, I sunk upon the bed, and ringing for Mrs. Jones, who had far +from comforted me under my anxieties, she came up, and I had scarce +breath and spirit enough to find words to beg of her, if she would save +my life, to fall upon some means of finding out, instantly, what was +become of its only prop and comfort. She pitied me in a way that rather +sharpened my affliction than suspended it, and went out upon this +commission. + +For she had but to go to Charles’s house, who lived but an easy +distance, in one of the streets that run into Covent Garden. There she +went into a public house, and from thence sent for a mid servant, whose +name I had given her, as the properest to inform her. + +The maid readily came, and as readily, when Mrs. Jones enquired of her +what had become of Mr. Charles, or whether he was gone out of town, +acquainted her with the disposal of her master’s son, which, the very +day after, was no secret to the servants. Such sure measures had he +taken, for the most cruel punishment of his child for having more +interest with his grandmother than he had, though he made use of a +pretence, plausible enough, to get rid of him in this secret abrupt +manner, for fear her fondness should have interposed a bar to his +leaving England, and proceeding on a voyage he had concerted for him; +which pretext was, that it was indispensably necessary to secure a +considerable inheritance that devolved to him by the death of a rich +merchant (his own brother) at one of the factories in the South Seas, +of which he had lately received advice, together with a copy of the +will. + +In consequence of which resolution, to send away his son, he had, +unknown to him, made the necessary preparations for fitting him out, +struck a bargain with the captain of a ship, whose punctual execution +of his orders he had secured, by his interest with his principal owners +and patron; and, in short, concerted his measures so secretly, and +effectually, that whilst the son thought he was going down to the +river, that would take him a few hours, he was stopt on board of a +ship, debarred from writing, and more strictly watched than a State +criminal. + +Thus was the idol of my soul torn from me, and forced on a long voyage, +without taking leave of one friend, or receiving one line of comfort, +except a dry explanation and instructions, from his father, how to +proceed when he should arrive at his destined port, enclosing, withal, +some letters of recommendation to a factor there: all these particulars +I did not learn minutely till some time after. + +The maid, at the same time, added, that she was sure this usage of her +sweet young master would be the death of his grand-mamma, as indeed it +proved true; for the old lady, on hearing it, did not survive the news +a whole month, and as her fortune consisted in an annuity, out of which +she had laid up no reserves, she left nothing worth mentioning to her +so fatally envied darling, but absolutely refused to see his father +before she died. + +When Mrs. Jones returned, and I observed her looks, they seemed so +unconcerned, and even nearest to pleased, that I half flattered myself +she was going to set my tortured heart at ease, by bringing me good +news; but this, indeed, was a cruel delusion of hope: the barbarian, +with all the coolness imaginable, stabs me to the heart, in telling me, +succinctly, that he was sent away, at least, on a four years’ voyage +(here she stretched maliciously), and that I could not expect, in +reason, ever to see him again: and all this with such pregnant +circumstances, that I could not escape giving them credit, as they +were, indeed, too true! + +She had hardly finished her report before I fainted away, and after +several successive fits, all the while wild and senseless, I miscarried +of the dear pledge of my Charles’s love; but the wretched never die +when it is fittest they should die, and women are hard-lived! to a +proverb. + +The cruel and interested care taken to recover me, saved an odious +life: which, instead of the happiness and joys it had overflower in, +all of a sudden presented no view before me of any thing but the depth +of misery, horror, and the sharpest affliction. + +Thus I lay six weeks, in the struggles of youth and constitution, +against the friendly efforts of death, which I constantly invoked to my +relief and deliverance, but which proved too weak for my wish. I +recovered at length, but into a state of stupefaction and despair, that +threatened me with the loss of my senses, and a mad house. + +Time, however, that great comforter in ordinary, began to assuage the +violence of my suffering, and to numb my feeling of them. My health +returned to me, though I still retained an air of grief, dejection, and +languor, which taking off from the ruddiness of my country complexion, +rendered it rather more delicate and affecting. + +The landlady had all this while officiously provided, and seen that I +wanted for nothing: and as soon as she saw me retrieved into a +condition of answering her purpose, one day, after we had dined +together, she congratulated me on my recovery, the merit of which she +took entirely to herself, and all this by way of introduction to a most +terrible, and scurvy epilogue: “You are now,” says she, “Miss Fanny, +tolerably well, and you are very welcome to stay in these lodgings as; +long as you please! you see I have asked you for nothing this long +time, but truly I have a call to make up a sum of money, which must be +answered.” And, with that, presents me with a bill of arrears for rent, +diet, apothecaries’ charges, nurse, etc., sum total twenty-three +pounds, seventeen and six-pence: towards discharging of which I had not +in the world (which she well knew) more than seven guineas, left by +chance, of my dear Charles’s common stock, with me. At the same time, +she desired me to tell her what course I would take for payment. I +burst out into a flood of tears, and told her my condition: that I +would sell what few clothes I had, and that, for the rest, would pay +her as soon as possible. But my distress, being favourable to her view, +only stiffened her the more. + +She told me, very cooly, that “she was indeed sorry for my misfortunes, +but that she must do herself justice, though it would go to the very +heart of her to send such a tender young creature to prison....” At the +word “prison!” every drop of my blood chilled, and my fright acted so +strongly upon me, that, turning as pale and faint as a criminal at the +first sight of his place of execution, I was on the point of swooning. +My landlady, who wanted only to terrify me to a certain point, and not +to throw me into a state of body inconsistent with her designs upon it, +began to sooth me again, and told me, in a tone composed to more pity +and gentleness, that “it would be my own fault, if she was forced to +proceed to such extremities; but she believed there was a friend to be +found in the world, who would make up matters to both our +satisfactions, and that she would bring him to drink tea with us that +very afternoon, when she hoped we would come to a right understanding +in our affairs.” To all this, not a word of answer; I sat mute, +confounded, terrified. + +Mrs. Jones, however, judging rightly that it was time to strike while +the impressions were so strong upon me, left me to myself and to all +the terrors of an imagination, wounded to death by the idea of going to +prison, and, from a principle of self-preservation, snatching at every +glimpse of redemption from it. + +In this situation I sat near half an hour, swallowed up in grief and +despair, when my landlady came in, and observing a death-like dejection +in my countenance, still in pursuance of her plan, put on a false pity, +and bidding me be of good heart: “Things,” she said, “would be but my +own friend”; and closed with telling me “she had brought a very +honourable gentleman to drink tea with me, who would give me the best +advice how to get rid of all my troubles.” Upon which, without waiting +for a reply, she goes out, and returns with this very honourable +gentleman, whose very honourable procuress she had been, on this, as +well as other occasions. + +The gentleman, on his entering the room, made me a very civil bow, +which I had scarce strength, or presence of mind enough to return a +curtsey to; when the landlady, taking upon her to do all the honours of +the first interview (for I had never, that I remember, seen the +gentleman before), sets a chair for him, another for herself. All this +while not a word on either side; a stupid stare was all the face I +could put on this strange visit. + +The tea was made, and the landlady, unwilling, I suppose, to lose any +time, observing my silence and shyness before this entire stranger: +“Come, Miss Fanny,” says she, in a coarse familiar style, and tone of +authority, “hold up your head, child, and do not let sorrow spoil that +pretty face of yours. What! sorrows are only for a time; come, be free, +here is a worthy gentleman who has heard of your misfortunes, and is +willing to serve you; you must be better acquainted with him, do not +you now stand upon your punctilios, and this and that, but make your +market while you may.” + +At this so delicate, and eloquent harangue, the gentleman, who saw I +looked frighted and amazed, and, indeed, incapable of answering, took +her up for breaking things in so abrupt a manner, as rather to shock +than incline me to an acceptance of the good he intended me then, +addressing himself to me, told me “he was perfectly acquainted with my +whole story, and every circumstance of my distress which he owned was a +cruel plunge for one of my youth and beauty to fall into.... that he +had long taken a liking to my person, for which he appealed to Mrs. +Jones, there present; but finding me so deeply engaged to another, he +had lost all hopes of succeeding, till he had heard the sudden reverse +of fortune that had happened to me, on which he had given particular +orders to my landlady to see that I should want for nothing; and that, +had he not been forced abroad to the Hague, on affairs he could not +refuse himself to, he would himself have attended me during my +sickness;... that on his return, which was the day before, he had, on +learning my recovery, desired my landlady’s good offices to introduce +him to me, and was as angry, at least, as I was shocked, at the manner +in which she had conducted herself towards obtaining him that +happiness; but, that to show me how much he disdained her procedure, +and how far he was from taking any ungenerous advantage of my +situation, and from exacting any security for my gratitude, he would +before my face, that instant, discharge my debt entirely to my +landlady, and give me her receipt in full; after which I should be at +liberty either to reject or grant his suit, as he was much above +putting any force upon my inclinations.” + +Whilst he was exposing his sentiments to me, I ventured just to look up +to him, and observed his figure, which was that of a very well-looking +gentleman, well made, of about forty, dressed in a suit of plain +clothes, with a large diamond ring on one of his fingers, the lustre of +which played in my eyes as he waved his hand in talking, and raised my +notions of his importance. In short, he might pass for what is commonly +called a comely black man, with an air of distinction natural to his +birth and condition. + +To all his speeches, however, I answered only in tears that flower +plentifully to my relief, and choking up my voice, excused me from +speaking, very luckily, for I should not have known what to say. + +The sight, however, moved him, as he afterwards told me, irresistibly, +and by way of giving me some reason to be less powerfully afflicted, he +drew out his purse, and calling for pen and ink, which the landlady was +prepared for, paid her every farthing of her demand, independent of a +liberal gratification which was to follow unknown to me, and taking a +receipt in full, very tenderly forced me to secure it, by guiding my +hand, which he had thrust it into, so as to make me passively put it +into my pocket. + +Still I continued in a state of stupidity, or melancholic despair, as +my spirits could not yet recover from the violent shocks that they had +received; and the accommodating landlady had actually left the room, +and me alone with this strange gentleman, before I had observed it, and +then I observed it without alarm, for I was now lifeless, and +indifferent to every thing. + +The gentleman, however, no novice in affairs of this sort, drew near +me; and, under the pretence of comforting me, first with his +handkerchief dried my tears as they ran down my cheeks: presently he +ventured to kiss me on my part, neither resistance nor compliance. I +sat stock still; and now looking on myself as bought by the payment +that had been transacted before me. + +I did not care what became of my wretched body: and wanting life, +spirits, or courage to oppose the least struggle, even that of the +modesty of my sex, I suffered, tamely, whatever the gentleman pleased; +who proceeding insensibly from freedom to freedom, insinuating his hand +between my handkerchief and bosom, which he handled at discretion: +finding thus no repulse, and that every thing favoured, beyond +expectation, the completion of his desires, he took me in his arms, and +bore me, without life or motion, to the bed, on which laying me gently +downed, and having me at what advantage he pleased, I did not so much +as know what he was about, till recovering from a trance of lifeless +insensibility, I found him buried in me, whilst I lay passive and +innocent of the least sensations of pleasure: a death-cold corpse could +scarce have less life or sense in it. As soon as he had thus pacified a +passion which had too little respected the condition I was in, he got +off, and after recomposing the disorder of my clothes, employed himself +with the utmost tenderness to calm the transports of remorse and +madness at myself, with which I was seized, too late, I confess, for +having suffered on that bed, the embraces of an utter stranger I tore +my hair, wrung my hands, and beat my breast like a mad woman. But when +my new master, for in that light I then viewed him, applied himself to +appease me, as my whole rage was levelled at myself, no part of which I +thought myself permitted to aim at him, I begged of him with more +submission than anger, to leave me alone, that I might, at least, enjoy +my affliction in quiet. This he positively refused, for fear, as he +pretended, I should do myself a mischief. Violent passions seldom last +long, and those of women least of any. A dead still calm succeeded this +storm, which ended in a profuse shower of tears. + +Had any one, but a few instants before, told me that I should have ever +known any man but Charles, I would have spit in his face or had I been +offered infinitely a greater sum of money than that I saw paid for me, +I had spurned the proposal in cold blood. But our virtues and our vices +depend too much on our circumstances; unexpectedly beset as I was, +betrayed by a mind weakened by a long severe affliction, and stunned +with the terrors of a goal, my defeat will appear the more excusable, +since I certainly was not present at, or a party in any sense to it. +However, as the first enjoyment is decisive, and he was now over the +bar, I thought I had no longer a right to refuse the caresses of one +that had got that advantage over me, no matter how obtained; conforming +myself then to this maxim, I considered myself as so much in his power, +that I endured his kisses and embraces without affecting struggles or +anger; not that he, as yet, gave me any pleasure, or prevailed over the +aversion of my soul, to give myself up to any sensation of that sort; +what I suffered, I suffered out of a kind of gratitude, and as a matter +of course what had passed. + +He was, however, so regardful as not to attempt the renewal of those +extremities which had thrown me, just before, into such violent +agitations; but, now secure of possession, contented himself with +bringing me to temper by degrees, and waiting at the hand of time for +those fruits of generosity and courtship, which he since often +reproached himself with having gathered much too green, when, yielding +to the inability to resist him, and overborne by desires, he had +wreaked his passion on a mere lifeless, spiritless body, dead to all +purpose of joy, since taking none, it ought to be supposed incapable of +giving any. This is, however, certain; my heart never thoroughly +forgave him the manner in which I had fallen to him, although, in point +of interest, I had fallen to him, I had reason to be pleased that he +found, in my person, wherewithal to keep him from leaving me as easily +as he had had me. + +The evening was, in the mean time, so far advanced, that the maid came +in to lay the cloth for supper, when I understood, with joy, that my +landlady, whose sight was present poison to me, was not to be with us. + +Presently a neat and elegant supper was introduced, and a bottle of +Burgundy, with the other necessaries, were set on a dumb-waiter. + +The maid quitting the room, the gentleman insisted, with a tender +warmth, that I should sit up in the elbow chair by the fire, and see +him eat, if I could not be prevailed on to eat myself. I obeyed with a +heart full or affliction, at the comparison it made between those +delicious _tête-à-têtes_ with my very dear youth, and this forced +situation, this new awkward scene, imposed and obtruded on me a cruel +necessity. + +At supper, after a great many arguments used to comfort and reconcile +me to my fate, he told me that his name was H..., brother to the Earl +of L.... and that having, by the suggestions of my landlady, been led +to see me, he had found me perfectly to his taste, and given her a +commission to procure me at any rate, and that at length he had +succeeded, as much to his satisfaction as he passionately wished it +might be to mine adding, withal, some flattering assurances, that I +should have no cause to repent my knowledge of him. + +I had now got down at least half a partridge, and three or four glasses +of wine, which he compelled me to drink by way of restoring nature, but +whether there was any thing extraordinary put into the wine, or whether +there wanted no more to revive the natural warmth of my constitution, +and give fire to the old train, I began no longer to look with that +constraint, not to say disguise, on Mr. H...., which I had hitherto +done but, withal, there was not the least grain of love mixed with this +softening of my sentiments: any other man would have been just the same +to me as Mr. H..., that stood in the same circumstances, and had done +for me, and with me, what he had done. + +There are not, on earth at least, eternal griefs; mine were, if not at +an end, at least suspended: my heart, which had been so long overloaded +with anguish and vexation, began to dilate and open to the last gleam +of diversion or amusement. I wept a little, and my tears relieved me; I +sighed, and my sighs seemed to lighten me of a load that oppressed me; +my countenance grew, if not cheerful, at least more composed and free. + +Mr. H..., who had watched, perhaps brought on this change, knew too +well not to seize it: he thrust the table imperceptibly from between +us, and bringing his chair to face me, he soon began, after preparing +me by all the endearments of assurance and protestations, to lay hold +of my hands, to kiss me, and once more to make free with my bosom, +which, being at full liberty from the disorder of a loose dishabile, +now panted and throbbed, less with indignation than with fear and +bashfulness, at being used so familiarly by still a stranger. But he +soon gave me greater occasion to exclaim, by stooping down and slipping +his hands above my garters; thence he strove to regain the pass, which +he had before found so open, and unguarded; but now he could not unlock +the twist of my thighs; I gently complained, and begged him to let me +alone; told him I was not well. However, he saw there was more form and +ceremony in my resistance, than good earnest; he made his conditions +for desisting from pursuing his point, that I should be put instantly +to bed, whilst he gave certain orders to the landlady, and that he +would return in an hour, when he hoped to find me more reconciled to +his passion for me, than I seemed at present. I neither assented nor +denied, but my air and manner of receiving his proposal, gave him to +see that I did not think myself enough my own mistress to refuse it. + +Accordingly he went out and left me, when a minute or two after, before +I could recover myself into any composure for thinking, the maid came +in with her mistress’s service, and a small silver orringer of what she +called a bridal posset, and desired me to eat it as I went to bed, +which consequently I did, and felt immediately a heat, a fire run like +a hue-and-cry through every part of my body; I burnt, I glowed, and +wanted even little of wishing for any man. + +The maid, as soon as I was lain down, took the candle away, and wishing +me a good night, went out of the room, and shut the door after her. + +She had hardly time to get down stairs, before Mr. H.... opened my room +door softly, and came in, now undressed, in his night-gown and cap, +with two lighted wax candles, and bolting the door, gave me, though I +expected him, some sort of alarm. He came a tip-toe to the bed side, +and saying with a gentle whisper: “Pray, my dear, do not be startled... +I will be very tender and kind to you.” He then hurried off his +clothes, and leaped into bed, having given me openings enough, whilst +he was stripping, to observe his brawny structure, strong made limbs, +and rough shaggy breast. + +The bed shook again when it received this new load. He lay on the +outside, where he kept the candles burning, no doubt for the +satisfaction of every sense, for as soon as he had kissed me, he rolled +down the bed clothes, and seemed transported with the view of all my +person at full length, which he covered with a profusion of kisses, +sparing no part of me. Then, being on his knees between my thighs, he +drew up his shirt, and bared all his hairy thighs, and stiff staring +truncheon, red top, and rooted into a thicket of curls, which covered +his belly to the novel, and gave it the air of a flesh brush; and soon +I feel it joining close to mine, when he had drove the nail up to the +head, and left no partition but the intermediate hair on both sides. + +I had it now, I felt it now, and, beginning to drive, he soon gave +nature such a powerful summons down to her favourite quarters, that she +could no longer refuse repairing thither; all my animals spirits then +rushed mechanically to that center of attraction, and presently, inly +warmed, and stirred as I was beyond bearing, I lost all restraint, and +yielding to the force of the emotion, gave down, as mere woman, those +effusions of pleasure, which, in the strictness of still faithful love, +I could have wished to have kept in. + +Yet oh! what an immense difference did I feel between this impression +of a pleasure merely animal, and struck out of the collision of the +sexes, by a passive bodily effect, from that sweet fury, that rage of +active delight which crowns the enjoyments of a mutual love passion, +where two hearts, tenderly and truly united, club to exalt the joy, and +give it a spirit and soul that bids defiance to that end which mere +momentary desires generally terminate in, when they die of a surfeit of +satisfaction! + +Mr. H..., whom no distinctions of that sort seemed to distract, scarce +gave himself or me breathing time from the last encounter, but, as if +he had tasked himself to prove that the appearances of his vigour were +no signs hung out in vain, in a few minutes he was in a condition for +renewing the onset; to which, preluding with a storm of kisses, he +drove the same course as before, with unbated fervour; and thus, in +repeated engagements, kept me constantly in exercise, till dawn of +morning, in all which time he made me fully sensible of the virtues of +his firm texture of limbs, his square shoulders, broad chest, compact +hard muscles, in short a system of manliness, that might pass for no +bad image of our ancient sturdy barons, whose race is now so thoroughly +refined and frittered away into the more delicate and modern built +frame of our pap-nerved softlings, who are as pale, as pretty, and +almost as masculine as their sisters. + +Mr. H..., content, however, with having the day break upon his triumph, +resigned me up to the refreshment of a rest we both wanted, and we soon +dropped into a profound sleep. + +Though he was some time awake before me, yet he did not offer to +disturb a repose he had given me so much occasion for; but on my first +stirring, which was not till past ten o’clock, I was obliged to endure +one more trial of his manhood. + +About eleven, in came Mrs. Jones, with two basins of the richest soup, +which her experience in these matters had moved her to prepare. I pass +over the fulsome compliments, the cant of the decent procuress, with +which she saluted us both; but though my blood rose at the sight of +her, I supprest my emotions, and gave all my concerne to reflections on +what would be the consequence of this new engagement. + +But Mr. H..., who penetrated my uneasiness, did not suffer me to +languish under it, and acquainted me, that having taken a solid sincere +affection to me, he would begin by giving me one leading mark of it, in +removing me out of a house which must, for many reasons, be irksome and +disagreeable to me, into convenient lodgings, where he would take all +imaginable care of me; and desiring not to have any explanations with +my landlady, or be impatient till he returned, he dressed and went out, +having left me a purse with two and twenty guineas in it, being all he +had about him, as he express it, to keep my pocket still further +supplied. + +As soon as he was gone, I felt the usual consequence of the first +launch into vice (for my love attachment to Charles never appeared to +me in that light). I was instantly borne away down the stream without +making back to the shore. My dreadful necessities, my gratitude, and +above all, to say the plain truth, the dissipation and diversion I +began to find in this new acquaintance, from the black corroding +thoughts my heart had been a prey to, ever since the absence of my dear +Charles, concurred to stun all my contrary reflections. If I now +thought of my first, my only charmer, it was still with the tenderness +and regret of the fondest love, embittered with the consciousness that +I was no longer worthy of him. I could have begged my bread with him +all over the world, but wretch that I was! I had neither the virtue or +courage requisite not to outlive my separation from him. + +Yet, had not my heart been thus preengaged, Mr. H... might probably +have been the sole master of it; but the place was full, and the force +of conjectures alone had made him the possessor of my person; the +charms of which had, by the bye, been his sole object and passion, and +were, of course, no foundation for a love either very delicate or very +durable. + +He did not return till six in the evening, to take me away to my new +lodgings; and my moveables being soon packed, and conveyed into a +hackney coach, it cost me but little regret to take my leave of a +landlady whom I thought I had so much reason not to be over pleased +with; and as for her part, she made no other difference to my staying +or going, but what that of the profit created. + +We soon got to the house appointed for me, which was that of a plain +tradesman, who, on the score of interest, was entirely at Mr. H...’s +devotion, and who let him the first floor, very genteelly furnished, +for two guineas a week, of which I was instated mistress, with a maid +to attend me. + +He stayed with me that evening, and we had a supper from a neighbouring +tavern, after which, and a gay glass or two, the maid put me to bed. +Mr. H.... soon followed, and notwithstanding the fatigues of the +preceding night, I found no quarter nor remission from him: he piquet +himself, as he told me, on doing the honours of my new apartment. + +The morning being pretty well advanced, we got to breakfast; and the +ice now broke, my heart, no longer engrossed by love, began to take +ease, and to please itself with such trifles Mr. H....’s liberal liking +led him to make his court to the usual vanity of our sex. Silks, laces: +ear rings, pearl necklace, gold watch, in sort, all the trinkets and +articles of dress were lavishly heaped upon me; the sence of which, if +it did not create returns of love, forced a kind of grateful fondness, +something like love: a distinction which it would be spoiling the +pleasure of nine tenths of the keepers in the town to make, and is, I +suppose, the very good reason why so few of them ever do make it. + +I was now established the kept mistress in form, well lodged, with a +very sufficient allowance, and lighted up with all the lustre of dress. + +Mr. H.... continued kind and tender to me; yet, with all this, I was +far from happy: for, besides my regrets for my dear youth, which, +though often suspended or diverted, still returned upon me in certain +melancholic moments with redoubled violence, I wanted more society, +more dissipation. + +As to Mr. H.... he was so much my superior in every sense, that I felt +it too much to the disadvantage of the gratitude I owed him. Thus he +gained my esteem, though he could not raise my taste; I was qualified +for no sort of conversation with him, except one sort, and that is a +satisfaction which leaves tiresome intervals, if not filled up by love, +or other amusements. + +Mr. H...., so experienced, so learned in the ways of women, numbers of +whom had passed through his hands, doubtless, soon perceived this +uneasiness, and, without approving, or liking me the better for it, had +the complaisance to indulge me. + +He made suppers at my lodging, where he brought several companions of +his pleasures, with their mistresses; and by this means I got into a +circle of acquaintance, that soon stripped me of all the remains of +bashfulness and modesty which might be yet left of my country +education, and were, to a just taste, perhaps, the greatest of my +charms. + +We visited one another in form, and mimicked, as near as we could, all +the miseries, the follies, and impertinencies of the women in quality, +in the round of which they trifle away their time, without it ever +entering their little heads, that on earth there cannot subsist any +thing more silly, more flat, more insipid and worthless, than, +generally considered, their system of life is: they ought to treat the +men as their tyrants, indeed! were they to condemn them to it. + +But though, amongst the kept mistresses (and I was now acquainted with +a good many, besides some useful matrons, who live by their connexions +with them), I hardly knew one that did not perfectly detest their +keepers, and, of course, made little or no scruple of any infidelity +they could safely accomplish, I had still no notion of wronging mine: +for, besides that no mark of jealousy on his side started me the hint, +or gave me the provocation to play him a trick of that sort, and that +his constant generosity, politeness, and tender attention to please me, +forced a regard to him, that, without affecting my heart, insured him +my fidelity, no object had yet presented that could overcome the +habitual liking I had contracted for him and I was on the eve of +obtaining, from the movements of his own voluntary generosity, a modest +provision for life, when an accident happened which broke all the +measures he had resolved upon in my favour. + +I had now lived near seven months with Mr. H.... when one day returning +to my lodgings, from a visit in the neighbourhood, where I used to stay +longer, I found the street door open, and the maid of the house +standing at it, talking with some of her acquaintance, so that I came +in without knocking and, as I passed by, she told me Mr. H.... was +above. I slept up stairs into my own bed-chamber, with no other thought +than of pulling off my hat etc., and then to wait upon him in the +dining room, into which my bed-chamber had a door, as is common enough. +Whilst I was untying my hat strings, I fancied I heard my maid Hannah’s +voice and a sort of tustle, which raised my curiosity; I stole softly +to the door, where a knot in the wood had been slipped out, and +afforded a very commanding peep-hole to the scene then in agitation, +the actors of which had been to earnestly employed to hear my opening +my own door, from the landing place of the stairs, into my bedchamber. + +The first sight that struck me was Mr. H.... pulling and hauling this +coarse country strammel towards a couch that stood in a corner of the +dining-room; to which the girl made only a sort of awkward holdening +resistance, crying out so loud, that I, who listened at the door, could +scarce hear her: “Pray Sir, don’t.., let me alone... I am not for your +turn... You cannot, sure, demean yourself with such a poor body as I... +Lord! Sir, my mistress may come home... I must not indeed... I will cry +out...” All of which did not hinder her from insensibly suffering +herself to be brought to the foot of the couch, upon which a push of no +mighty violence served to give her a very easy fall, and my gentleman +having got up his hands to the strong hold of her Virtue, she, no +doubt, thought it was time to give up the argument, and that all +further defense would be vain: and he, throwing her petticoats over her +face, which was now as red as scarlet, discovered a pair of stout, +plump, substantial thighs, and tolerably white; he mounted them round +his haps, and coming out with his drawn weapon, stuck it in the cloven +sport, where he seemed to find a less difficult entrance than perhaps +he had flattered himself with (for, by the way, this blouse had left +her place in the country, for a bastard), and, indeed, all his motions +shewed he was lodged pretty much at large. After he had done, his Deare +gets up, drops her petticoats down, and smooths her apron and +handkerchief. Mr. H.... looked a little silly, and taking out some +money, gave it her, with an air indifferent enough, bidding her be a +good girl, and say nothing. + +Had I loved this man, it was not in nature for me to have had patience +to see the whole scene through: I should have broke in and played the +jealous princess with a vengeance. But that was not the case: my pride +alone was hurt, my heart not, and I could easier win upon myself to see +how far he would go, till I had no uncertainty upon my conscience. + +The least delicate of all affairs of this sort being now over, I +retired softly into my closet, where I began to consider what I should +do. My first scheme naturally, was to rush in and upbraid them; this, +indeed, flattered my present emotions and vexations, as it would have +given immediate vent to them; but, on second thoughts, not being so +clear as to the consequence to be apprehended from such a step, I began +my discovery still a safer season, when dissembly my discovery till a +safer season, when Mr. H.... should have perfected the settlement he +had made overtures to me of, and which I was not to think such a +violent explanation, as I was indeed not equal to the management of, +could possibly forward, and might destroy. On the other hand, the +provocation seemed too gross, too flagrant not to give me some thoughts +of revenge; the very start of which idea restored me to perfect +composure; and delighted as I was with the confused plan of it in my +head, I was easily mistress enough of myself to support the part of +ignorance I had prescribed to myself; and as all this circle of +reflections was instantly over, I stole a tip-toe to the passage door, +and opening it with a noise, passed for having that moment come home; +and after a short pause, as if to pull off my things, I opened the door +into the dining room, where I fund the dowdy blowing the fire, and my +faithful shepherd walking about the room, and wistling, as cool and +unconcerned as if nothing had happened. I think, however, he had not +much to brag of having out-dissembled me: for I kept up, nobly, the +character of our sex for art, and went up to him with the same open air +of frankness as I had ever received him. He stayed but a little while, +made some excuse for not being able to stay the evening with me, and +went out. + +As for the wench, she was now spoiled, at least for my servant; and +scarce eight and forty hours were gone round, before her insolence, on +what had passed betwen Mr. H.... and her, gave me so fair an occasion +to turn her away, at a minute’s warning, that, not to have done it +would have been the wonder; so that he could neither disapprove it nor +find in it the least reason to suspect my original motive. What became +of her afterwards, I know not; but generous as Mr. H.... was, he +undoubtedly made her amends: though, I dare answer, that he kept up no +further commerce with her of that sort; as his stooping to such a +coarse morsel, was only a sudden sally of lust, on seeing a wholesome +looking, buxom country wench, and no more strange than hunger, or even +a whimsical appetite’s making a fling meal of neck-beef, for change of +diet. + +Had I considered this escapade of Mr. H.... in no more than that light +and contented myself with turning away the wench, I had thought and +acted right; but, flushed as I was with imaginary wrongs, I should have +held Mr. H... to have been cheaply off, if I had not pushed my revenge +farther, and repaid him, as exactly as could for the soul of me, in the +same coin. + +Nor was this worthy act of justice long delayed: I had it too much at +heart. Mr. H... had, about a fortnight before, taken into his service a +tenant’s son, just come out the country, a very handsome young lad, +scarce turned of nineteen, fresh as a rose, well sharped and clear +limbed: in short, a very good excuse for any woman’s liking, even +though revenge had been out of the question; any woman, I say, who was +disprejudiced, and that wit and spirit enough to prefer a point of +pleasure to a point of pride. + +Mr. H... had clapped a livery upon him; and his chief employ was, after +being shewn my lodgings, to bring and carry letters or messages between +his master and me; and as the situation of all kept ladies is not the +fittest to inspire respect, even to the meanest of mankind, and, +perhaps, less of it from the most ignorant, I could not help observing +that this lad, who was, I suppose, acquainted with my relation to his +master by his fellow servants, used to eye me in that bashful confused +way, more expressive, more moving and readier caught at by our sex, +than any other declarations whatever: my figure had, it seems, struck +him, and modest and innocent as he was, he did not himself know that +the pleasure he took in looking at me was love, or desire; but his +eyes, naturally wanton, and now inflamed with passion, spoke a great +deal more than he durst have imagined they did. Hitherto, indeed, I had +only taken notice of the comeliness of the youth, but without the least +design: my pride alone would have guarded me from a thought that way, +had not Mr. H....’s condescension with my maid, where there was not +half the temptation, in point of person, set me a dangerous example; +but now I began to look on this stripling as every way a delicious +instrument of my designed retaliation upon Mr. H.... of an obligation +for which I should have made a conscience to die in his debt. + +In order then to pave the way for the accomplishment of my scheme, for +two or three times that the young fellow came to me with messages, I +managed so, or without affectation to have him admitted to my bed side, +or brought to me at my toilet, where I was dressing; and by carelessly +shewing or letting him, as if without meaning or design, sometimes my +bosom rather more bare than it should be; sometimes my hair, of which I +had a very fine head, in the natural flow of it while combing; +sometimes a neat leg, that had unfortunately slipt its garter, which I +made no scruple of tying before him, easily gave him the impressions +favourable to my purpose, which I could perceive to sparkle in his +eyes, and glow in his cheeks: then certain slight squeezes by the hand, +as I took letters from him, did his business completely. + +When I saw him thus moved, and fired for my purpose, I inflamed him yet +more, by asking him several leading questions, such as: “Had he a +mistress?... was she prettier than me?... could he love such a one as I +was?...” and the like; to all which the blushing simpleton answered to +my wish, in a strain of perfect nature, perfect undebauched innocence, +but with all the awkwardness and simplicity of country breeding. + +When I thought I had sufficiently ripened him for the laudable point I +had in view, one day that I expected him at a particular hour, I took +care to have the coast clear for the reception I designed him; and, as +I laid it, he came to the dining room door, tapped at it, and, in my +bidding him come in; he did so, and shut the door after him. I desired +him, then, to bolt it on the inside, pretending it would not otherwise +keep shut. + +I was then lying at length upon that very couch, the scene of Mr. +H....’s polite joys, in an undress, which was with all the art of +negligence flowing loose, and in a most tempting disorder: no stays, no +hoop..., no incumbrance whatever. On the other hand, he stood at a +little distance, that gave me a full view of a fine featured, shapely, +healthy country lad, breathing the sweets of fresh blooming youth; his +hair, which was of a perfect shining black, played to his face in +natural side curls, and was set out with a smart tuck-up behind; new +buckskin breechs, that, clipping close, shewed the shape of a plump, +well made thigh; white stockings, garter-laced livery, shoulder knot, +altogether composed a figure of pure flesh and blood, and appeared +under no disgrace from the lowness of a dress, to which a certain +spruce neatness seems peculiarly fitted. + +I bid him come towards me, and give me his letter, at the same time +throwing down, carelessly, a book I had in my hands. He coloured, and +came within reach of delivering me the letter, which he held out, +awkwardly enough, for me to take, with his eyes rivetted on my bosom, +which was, through the designed disorder of my handkerchief, +sufficiently bare, and rather than hid. + +I, smiling in his face, took the letter, and immediately catching hold +of his shirt sleeve, drew him towards me, blushing, and almost +trembling; for surely his extreme bashfulness, and utter inexperience +called for, at least, all the advances to encourage him: his body was +now conveniently inclined toward me, and just softly chucking his +beardless chin, I asked him: “If he was afraid of a lady?...” and with +that took, and carrying his hands to my breasts, I press it tenderly to +them. They were now finely furnished, and raised in flesh, so that, +panting with desire, they rose and fell, in quick heaves, under his +touch: at this, the boy’s eyes began to lighten with all the fires of +inflamed nature, and his cheeks flushed with a deep scarlet: +tongue-tied with joy, rapture, and bashfulness, he could not speak, but +then his looks, his emotion, sufficiently satisfied me that my train +had taken, and that I had no disappointment to fear. + +My lips, which I threw in his way, so that he could not escape kissing +them, fixed, fired, and emboldened him: and now, glancing my eyes +towards that part of his dress which covered the essential object of +enjoyment, I plainly discovered the swell and commotion there; and as I +was now too far advanced to stop in so fair a way, and was indeed no +longer able to contain myself, or wait the slower progress of his +maiden bash-fulness (for such it seemed, and really was), I stole my +hands upon his thighs, down one of which I could both see and feel a +stiff hard body, confined by his breeches, that my fingers could +discover no end to. Curious then, and eager to unfold so alarming a +mystery, playing, as it were, with his buttons, which were bursting +ripe from the active force within, those of his waistband and fore-flap +flew open at a touch, when out IT started; and now, disengaged from the +shirt, I saw, with wonder and surprise, what? not the play thing of a +boy, not the weapon of a man, but a Maypole, of so enormous a standard, +that had proportions been observed, it must have belonged to a young +giant. Yet I could not, without pleasure, behold, and even venture to +feel, such a length, such a breadth of animated ivory! perfectly well +turned and fashioned, the proud stiffness of which distented its skin, +whose smooth polish and velvet softness might vie with that of the most +delicate of our sex, and whose exquisite whiteness was not a little set +off by a sprout of black curling hair round the root: through the jetty +springs of which the fair skin shewed as in a fine evening you may have +remarked the clear light through the branchwork of distant trees +over-topping the summit of a hill: then the broad of blueish-casted +incarnate of the head, and blue serpentines of its veins, altogether +composed the most striking assemblage of figure and colours in nature. +In short, it stood an object of terror and delight. + +But what was yet more surprising, the owner of this natural curiosity, +through the want of occasions in the strictness of his home breeding, +and the little time he had been in town not having afforded him one; +was hitherto an absolute stranger, in practice at least, to the use of +all that manhood he was so nobly stocked with; and it now fell to my +lot to stand his first trial of it, if I could resolve to run the risks +of its disproportion to that tender part of me, which such an oversized +machine was very fit to lay in ruins. + +But it was now of the latest to deliberate, for, by this time, the +young fellow, over heated with the present objects, and too high metled +to be longer curbed in by that modesty and awe which had hitherto +restrained him, ventured, under the stronger impulse, and instructive +promptership of nature alone, to slip his hands, trembling with eager +impetuous desires, under my petticoats; and seeing, I suppose, nothing +extremely severe in my looks, to stop or dash him, he feels out, and +seizes, gently, the center spot of his ardours. Oh then! the fiery +touch of his lingers determines me, and my fears melting away before +the glowing intolerable heat, my thighs disclose of themselves, and +yield all liberty to his hand: and now, a favourable movement giving my +petticoats a toss, the avenue lay too fair, too open to be missed. He +is now upon me: I had placed myself with a jerk under him, as +commodious and open as possible to his attempts, which were untoward +enough, for his machine, meeting with no inlet, bore and battered +stiffly against me in random pushes, now above, now below, now beside +his point; till, burning with impatience from its irritating touches, I +guided gently, with my hand, this furious fescue to where my young +novice was now to be taught his first lesson of pleasure. Thus he +nicked, at length, the warm and insufficient orifice; but he was made +to find no breach impracticable, and mine, though so often entered, was +still far from wide enough to take him easily in. + +By my direction, however, the head of his unwieldy machine was so +critically pointed, that, feeling him fore-right against the tender +opening, a favourable motion from me met his timely thrust, by which +the lips of it, strenuously dilated, gave way to his thus assisted +impetuosity, so that we might both feel that he had gained a lodgment. +Pursuing then his point, he soon, by violent, and, to me, most painful +piercing thrusts, wedges himself at length so far in, as to be now +tolerably secure of his entrance: here he stuck, and I now felt such a +mixture of pleasure and pain, as there is no giving a definition of. I +dreaded alike his splitting me farther up, or his withdrawing; I could +not bear either to keep or part with him. The sense of pain, however, +prevailing, from his prodigious size and stiffness, acting upon me in +those continued rapid thrusts, with which he furiously pursued his +penetration, made me cry out gently: “Oh, my dear, you hurt me!” This +was enough to check the tender respectful boy even in his mid-career; +and he immediately drew out the sweet cause of my complaint, whilst his +eyes eloquently expressed, at once, his grief for hurting me, and his +reluctance at dislodging from quarters, of which the warmth and +closeness had given him a gust of pleasure, that he was now desire mad +to satisfy, and yet too much a novice not to be afraid of my +withholding his relief, on account of the pain he had put me to. + +But I was, myself, far from being pleased with his having too much +regarded my tender exclaims; for now, more fired with the object before +me, as it still stood with the fiercest erection, unbonneted, and +displayed its broad vermilion head, I first gave the youth a +re-encouraging kiss, which he repaid me with a fervour that seemed at +once to thank me, and bribe my further compliance; and soon replaced +myself in a posture to receive, at all risk, the renewed invasion, +which he did not delay an instant: for, being presently remounted, I +once more felt the smooth hard gristle forcing an entrance, which he +achieved rather easier than before. Pained, however, as I was, with his +efforts of gaining a complete admission, which he was so regardful as +to manage by gentle degrees, I took care not to complain. In the mean +time, the soft strait passage gradually loosens, yields, and, stretched +to its utmost bearing, by the stick, thick, indriven engine, sensible, +at once, to the ravishing pleasure of the feel and the pain of the +distension, let him in about half way, when all the most nervous +activity he now exerted, to further his penetration, gained him not an +inch of his purpose: for, whilst he hesitated there, the crisis of +pleasure overtook him, and the close compressure of the warm +surrounding flow drew from him the ecstatic gush, even before mine was +ready to meet it, kept up by the pain I had endured in the course of +the engagement, from the insufferable size of his weapon, though it was +not as yet in above half its length. + +I expected then, but without wishing it, that he would draw, but was +pleasingly disappointed: for he was not to be let off so. The well +breathed youth, hot-mettled, and flush with genial juices, was now +fairly in for making me know my driver. As soon, then, as he had made a +short pause, waking, as it were, out of the trance of pleasure (in +which every sense seemed lost for a while, whilst, with his eyes shut, +and short quick breathings, he had yielded down his maiden tribute), he +still kept his post, yet unsated with enjoyment, and solacing in these +so new delights; till his stiffness, which had scarce perceptibly +remitted, being thoroughly recovered to him, who had not once +unsheathed, he proceeded afresh to cleave and open to himself an entire +entry into me, which was not a little made easy to him by the balsamic +injection, with: which he had just plentifully moistened the whole +internals of the passage. Redoubling, then, the active energy of his +thrusts, favoured by the fervid appetency of my motions, the soft oiled +wards can no longer stand so effectual a picklock, but yield, and open +him an entrance. And now, with conspiring nature, and my industry, +strong to aid him, he pierces, penetrates, and at length, winning his +way inch by inch, gets entirely in, and finally, a home made thrust +sheaths it up to the guard; on the information of which, from the close +jointure of our bodies (insomuch that the hair on both sides perfectly +interweaved and incircled together), the eyes of the transported youth +sparkled with more joyous fires, and all his looks and motions +acknowledged excess of pleasure, which I now began to share, for I felt +him in my very vitals! I was quite sick with delight! stirred beyond +bearing with its furious agitations within me, and gorged and crammed, +even to a surfeit. Thus I lay gasping, panting under him, till his +broken breathings, faultering accents, eyes twinkling with humid fires, +lunges more furious, and an increased stiffness, gave me to hail the +approaches of the second period: it came... and the sweet youth, +overpowered with the ecstasy, died away in my arms, melting a flood +that shot in genial warmth into the innermost recesses of my body; +every conduit of which, dedicated to that pleasure, was on flow to mix +with it. Thus we continued for some instants, lost, breathless, +senseless of every thing, and in every part but those favourite ones of +nature, in which all that we enjoyed of life and sensation was now +totally concentered. + +When our mutual trance was a little over, and the young fellow had +withdrawn that delicious stretcher, with which he had most plentifully +drowned all thoughts of revenge, in the sense of actual pleasure, the +widened wounded passage refunded a stream of pearly liquids, which +flowed down my thighs, mixed with streaks of blood, the marks of the +ravage of that monstrous machine of his, which had now triumphed over a +kind of second maidenhead. I stole, however, my handkerchief to those +parts, and wiped them as dry as I could, whilst he was re-adjusting and +buttoning up. + +I made him sit down by me, and as he had gathered courage from such +extreme intimacy, he gave me an aftercourse of pleasure, in a natural +burst of tender gratitude and joy, at the new scenes of bliss I had +opened to him: scenes positively new, as he had never before had the +least acquaintance with that mysterious mark, the cloven stamp of +female distinction, though nobody better qualified than he to penetrate +into its deepest recesses, or do it nobler justice. But when, by +certain motions, certain unquietness of his hands, that wandered not +without design, I found he languished for satisfying a curiosity, +natural enough, to view and handle those parts which attract and +concenter the warmest force of imagination, charmed, as I was, to have +any occasion of obliging and humouring his young desires, I suffered +him to proceed as he pleased, without check or control, to the +satisfaction of them. + +Easily, then, reading in my eyes the full permission of myself to all +his wishes, he scarce pleased himself more than me; when, having +insinuated his hand under my petticoat and shift, he presently removed +those bars to the sight, by slily lifting them upwards, under favour of +a thousand kisses, which he thought, perhaps, necessary to divert my +attention from what he was about. All my drapery being now rolled up to +my waist, I threw myself into such a posture upon the couch, as gave up +to him, in full view, the whole region of delight, and all the +luxurious landscape around it. The transported youth devoured every +thing with his eyes, and tried, with his fingers, to lay more open to +his sight the secrets of that dark and delicious deep: he opens the +folding lips, the softness of which, yielding entry to any thing of a +hard body, close round it, and oppose the sight; and feeling further, +meets with, and wonder at, a soft fleshy excrescence, which, limber and +relaxed after the late enjoyment, now grew, under the touch and +examination of his fiery fingers, more and more stiff and considerable, +till the titillating ardours of that so sensible part made me sigh, as +if he had hurt me; on which he withdrew his curious probing fingers, +asking me pardon, as it were, in a kiss that rather increased the flame +there. + +Novelty ever makes the strongest impressions, and in pleasures, +especially; no wonder then, that he was swallowed up in raptures of +admiration of things so interesting by their nature, and now seen and +handled for the first time. On my part, I was richly overpaid for the +pleasure I gave him, in that of examining the power of those objects +thus abandoned to him, naked and free to his loosest wish, over the +artless, natural stripling: his eyes streaming fire, his cheeks glowing +with a florid red, his fervid frequent sighs, whilst his hands +convulsively squeezed, opened, pressed together again the lips and +sides of that deep flesh wound, or gently twitched the over-growing +moss; and all proclaimed the excess, the riot of joys, in having his +wantonness thus humoured. But he did not long abuse my patience, for +the objects before him had now put him by all his, and, coming out with +that formidable machine of his, he lets the fury loose, and pointing it +directly to the pouting-lip mouth, that bid him sweet defiance in dumb +shew, squeezes in his head, and, driving with refreshed rage, breaks +in, and plugs up the whole passage of that soft pleasure-conduit pipe, +where he makes all shake again, and put, once more, all within me into +such an uproar, as nothing could still, but a fresh inundation from the +very engine of those flames, as well as from all the springs with which +nature floats that reservoir of joy, when risen to its floodmark. + +I was now so bruised, so battered, so spent with this overmatch, that I +could hardly stir, or raise myself, but lay palpitating, till the +ferment of my senses subsiding by degrees, and the hour striking at +which I was obliged to dispatch my young man, I tenderly advised him of +the necessity there was for parting; at which I felt so much +displeasure as he could do, who seemed eagerly disposed to keep the +field, and to enter on a fresh action. But the danger was too great, +and after some hearty kisses of leave, and recommendations of secrecy +and discretion, I forced myself to send him away, not without +assurances of seeing him again, to the same purpose, as soon as +possible, and thrust a guinea into his hands: not more, less, being too +flush of money, a suspicion or discovery might arise from thence; +having everything to fear from the dangerous indiscretion of that age +in which young fellows would be too irresistible, too charming, if we +had not that terrible fault to guard against. + +Giddy and intoxicated as I was with such satiating draughts of +pleasure, I still lay on the couch, supinely stretched out, in a +delicious languor diffused over all my limbs, hugging myself for being +thus revenged to my heart’s content, and that in a manner so precisely +alike, and on the identical spot in which I had received the supposed +injury. No reflections on the consequences ever once perplexed me, nor +did I make myself one single reproach for having, by this step, +completely entered myself into a profession more decried than disused. +I should have held it ingratitude to the pleasure I had received, to +have repented of it; and since I was now over the bar, I thought, by +plunging head and ears into the stream I was hurried away by, to drown +all sense of shame or reflection. + +Whilst I was thus making these laudable dispositions, and whispering to +myself a kind of tacit vow of incontinency, enters Mr. H... The +consciousness of what I had been doing deepened yet the glowing of my +cheeks, flushed with the warmth of the late action, which, joined to +the piquant air of my dishabile, drew from Mr. H.... a compliment on my +looks, which he was proceeding to bask the sincerity of with proofs, +and that with so brisk an action, as made me tremble for fear of a +discovery from the condition those parts were left in from their late +severe handling: the orifice dilated and inflamed, the lips swollen +with their uncommon distension, the ringlets pressed down, crushed and +uncurled with the over flowing moisture that had wet everything round +it; in short, the different feel and state of things would hardly have +passed upon one of Mr. H.....’s nicety and experience unaccounted for +but by the real cause. But here the woman saved me: I pretended a +violent disorder of my head, and a feverish heat, that indisposed me +too much to receive his embraces. He gave in to this, and good +naturedly desisted. Soon after, an old lady coming in made a third, +very apropos for the confusion I was in, and Mr. H...., after bidding +me take care of myself, and recommending me to my repose, left me much +at ease and relieved by his absence. + +In the close of the evening, I took care to have prepared for me a warm +bath of aromatik and sweet herbs; in which having fully laved and +solaced myself, I came out voluptuously refreshed in body and spirit. + +The next morning waking pretty early, after a night’s perfect rest and +composure, it was not without some dread and uneasiness that I thought +of what innovation that tender soft system of mine might have +sustained, from the shock of a machine so sized for its destruction. + +Struck with this apprehension, I scarce dared to carry my hand thither, +to inform myself of the state and posture of things. + +But I was soon agreeably cured of my fears. + +The silky hair that covered round the borders, now smoothed and +re-pruned, had resumed its wonted curl and trimness; the fleshy pouting +lips that had stood the brunt of the engagement, were no longer swollen +or moisture-drenched; and neither they, nor the passage into which they +opened, that had suffered so great a dilation, betrayed any the least +alteration, outwardly or inwardly, to the most curious research, +notwithstanding the laxity that naturally follows the warm bath. + +This continuation of that grateful stricture which is in us, to the +men, the very jet of their pleasure, I owed, it seems, to a happy habit +of body, juicy, plump and furnished, towards the texture of those +parts, with a fullness of soft springy flesh, that yielding +sufficiently, as it does, to almost any distension soon recovers itself +so as to re-tighten that strict compression of its mantlings and folds, +which form the sides of the passage, wherewith it so tenderly embraces +and closely clips any foreign body introduced into it, such as my +exploring finger then was. + +Finding then every thing in due tone and order, I remember my fears, +only to make a jest of them to myself. And now, palpably mistress of +any size of man, and triumphing in my double achievement of pleasure +and revenge, I abandoned myself entirely to the ideas of all the +delight I had swam in. I lay stretching out, glowingly alive all over, +and tossing with burning impatience for the renewal of joys that had +sinned but in a sweet excess; nor did I lose my longing, for about ten +in the morning, according to expectation, Will, my new humble +sweetheart, came with a message from his master, Mr. H...., to know how +I did. I had taken care to send my maid on an errand into the city, +that I was sure would take up time enough; and, from the people of the +house, I had nothing to fear, as they were plain good sort of folks, +and wise enough to mind no more other people’s business than they could +well help. + +All dispositions then made, not forgetting that of lying in bed to +receive him, when he was entered the door of my bed chamber, a latch, +that I governed by a wire, descended and secured it. + +I could not but observe that my young minion was as much spruced out as +could be expected from one in his condition: a desire of pleasing that +could not be indifferent to me, since it proved that I pleased him; +which, I assure you, was now a point I was not above having in view. + +His hair trimly dressed, clean linen, and, above all, a hale, ruddy, +wholesome country look, made him out as pretty a piece of woman’s meat +as you could see, and I should have thought any one much out of taste, +that could not have made a hearty meal of such a morsel as nature +seemed to have designed for the highest diet of pleasure. + +And why should I here suppress the delight I received from this amiable +creature, in remarking each artless look, each motion of pure +indissembled nature, betrayed by his wanton eyes; or shewing, +transparently, the glow and suffusion of blood through his fresh, clear +skin, whilst even his stury rustic pressure wanted not their peculiar +charm? Oh! but, say you, this was a young fellow of too low a rank of +life to deserve so great a display. May be so: but was my condition, +strictly considered, one jot more exalted? or, had I really been much +above him, did not his capacity of giving such exquisite pleasure +sufficiently raise and enoble him, to me, at least? Let who would, for +me cherish, respect, and reward the painter’s, the statuary’s, the +musician’s art, in proportion to the delight taken in them: but at my +age, and with my taste for pleasure, a taste strongly constitutional to +me, the talent of pleasing, with which nature has endowed a handsome +person, formed to me the greatest of all merits; compared to which, the +vulgar prejudices in favour of titles, dignities, honours, and the +like, held a very low rank indeed. Nor perhaps would the beauties of +the body be so much affected to be held cheap, were they, in their +nature, to be bought and delivered. But for me, whose natural +philosophy all resided in the favourite center of sense, and who was +ruled by its powerful instinct in taking pleasure by its right handle, +I could scarce have made a choice more to my purpose. + +Mr. H....’s loftier qualifications of birth, fortune and sense, laid me +under a sort of subjection and constraint, that were far from making +harmony in the concert of love; nor had he, perhaps, thought me worth +softening that superiority to; but, with this lad, I was more on the +level which love delights in. + +We may say what we please, but those we can be the easiest and freest +with, are ever those we like, not to say love the best. + +With this stripling, all whose art of love was the action of it, I +could, without check of awe or restraint, give a loose to jay, and +execute every scheme of dalliance my fond fancy might put me on, in +which he was, in every sense, a most exquisite companion. And now my +great pleasure lay in humouring all the petulances, all the wanton +frolic of a raw novice just fledged, and keen on the burning scent of +his game, but unbroken to the sport: and, to carry on the figure, who +could better read the wood than he, or stand fairer for the heart of +the hunt? + +He advanced then to my bed side, and whilst he faultered out his +message, I could observe his colour rise, and his eyes lighten with +joy, in seeing me in a situation as favourable to his loosest wishes, +as if he had bespoke the play. + +I smiled, and put out my hand towards him, which he kneeled down to (a +politeness taught him by love alone, that great master of it) and +greedily kissed. After exchanging a few confused questions and answers, +I asked him if he would come to bed to me, for the little time I could +venture to detain him. This was just asking a person, dying with +hunger, to feast upon the dish on earth the most to his palate. +Accordingly, without further reflection, his clothes were off in an +instant; when, blushing still more at this new liberty, he got under +the bed clothes I held up to receive him, and was now in bed with a +woman for the first time in his life. + +Here began the usual tender preliminaries, as delicious, perhaps, as +the crowning act of enjoyment itself; which they often beget an +impatience of, that makes pleasure destructive of itself, by hurrying +on the final period, and closing that scene of bliss, in which the +actors are generally too well pleased with their parts, not to wish +them an eternity of duration. + +When we had sufficiently graduated our advances towards the main point, +by toying, kissing, clipping, feeling my breasts, now round and plump, +feeling that part of me I might call a furnace mouth, from the +prodigious intense heat his fiery touches had rekindled there, my young +sportsman, emboldened by the very freedom he could wish, wontonly takes +my hand, and carries it to that enormous machine of his, that stood +with a stiffness! a hardness! an upward bend of erection! and which, +together with it bottom dependence, the inestimable bulse of ladies +jewels, formed a grand showout of goods indeed! Then its dimensions, +mocking either grasp or span, almost renewed my terrors. + +I could not conceive how, or by what means I could take, or put such a +bulk out of sight. I stroked it gently, on which the mutinous rogue +seemed to swell, and gather a new degree of fierceness and insolence; +so that finding it grew not to be trifled with any longer, I prepared +for rubbers in good earnest. + +Slipping then a pillow under me, that I might give him the fairest +play, I guided officiously with my hand this furious battering ram, +whose ruby head, presenting nearest the resemblance of a heart, I +applied to its proper mark, which lay as finely elevated as we could +wish; my hips being borne up, and my thighs at their utmost extension, +the gleamy warmth that shot from it, made him feel that he was at the +mouth of the indraught, and driving fore right, the powerfully divided +lips of that pleasure-thirsty channel received him. He hesitated a +little; then, settled well in the passage, he makes his way up the +straights of it, with a difficulty nothing more than pleasing, widening +as he went so as to distend and smooth each soft furrow: our pleasure +increasing deliciously, in proportion to our points of mutual touch +increased in that so vital part of me which I had now taken him, all +indriven, and completely sheathed; and which, crammed as it was, +stretched splitting ripe, gave it so gratefully straight an +accommodation! so strict a fold! a suction so fierce! that gave and +took unutterable delight. We had now reached the closest point of +union; but when he beckened to come on the fiercer, as if I had ben +actuated by a fear of losing him, in the height of my fury, I twist my +legs round his naked loins, the flesh of which, so firm, so springy to +the touch, quivered again under the pressure; and now I had him every +way encircled and begirt; and having drawn him home to me, I kept him +fast there, as if I had sought to unite bodies with him at that point. +This bred a pause of action, a pleasure stop, whilst that delicate +glutton, my nether mouth, as full as it could hold, kept palating, with +exquisite relish, the morsel that so deliciously ingorged it. But +nature could not long endure a pleasure that it so highly provoked +without satisfying it: pursuing then its darling end, the battery +recommenced with redoubled exertion; nor lay I inactive on my side, but +encountering him with all the impetuosity of motion I was mistress of, +the downy cloth of our meeting mount was now of real use to break the +violence of the tilt; and soon, indeed! the highwrought agitation, the +sweet urgency of this to-and-fro friction, raised the titillation on me +to its height; so that finding myself on the point of going, and loath +to leave the tender partner of my joys behind me, I employed all the +forwarding motions and arts my experience suggested to me, to promote +his keeping me company to our journey’s end. I not only then tightened +the pleasure-girth round my restless inmate, by a secret spring of +friction and compression that obeys the will in those parts, but stole +my hand softly to that store bag of nature’s prime sweets, which is so +pleasingly attached to its conduit pipe, from which we receive them; +there feeling, and most gently indeed, squeezing those tender globular +reservoirs, the magic touch took instant effect, quickened, and brought +on upon the spur the symptoms of that sweet agony, the melting moment +of dissolution, when pleasure dies by pleasure, and the mysterious +engine of it overcomes the titillation it has raised in those parts, by +plying them with the stream of a warm liquid, that in itself the +highest of all titillations, and which they thirstily express and draw +in like the hot natured leach, which, to cool itself, tenaciously +extracts all the moisture within its sphere of execution. Chiming then +to me, with exquisite consent, as I melted away, his oily balsamic +injection, mixing deliciously with the sluices in flow from me, +sheathed and blunted all the stings of pleasure, whilst a voluptuous +languor possest, and still maintained us motionless, and fast locked in +one another’s arms. Alas! that these delights should be no +longer-lived; for now the point of pleasure, unedged by enjoyment, and +all the brisk sensations flattened upon us, resigned us up to the cool +cares of insipid life. Disengaging myself then from his embrace, I made +him sensible of the reasons there were for his present leaving me; on +which, though reluctantly, he put on his clothes, with as little +expedition, however, as he could help, wantonly interrupting himself, +between whiles, with kisses, touches and embraces I could not refuse +myself to. Yet he happily returned to his master before he was missed; +but, at taking leave, I forced him (for he had sentiments enough to +refuse it) to receive money enough to buy a silver watch, that great +article of subaltern finery, which he at length accepted of, as a +remembrance he was carefully to preserve of my affections. + +And here, Madam, I ought, perhaps, to make you an apology for this +minute detail of things, that dwelt so strongly upon my memory, after +so deep an impression; but, besides that this intrigue bred one great +revolution in my life, which historical truth requires I should not +sink from you, may I not presume that so exalted a pleasure ought not +to be ungratefully forgotten, or suppressed by me, because I found it +in a character in low life; where, by the by, it is oftener met with, +purer, and more unsophisticated, than among the false, ridiculous +refinements with which the great suffer themselves to be so grossly +cheated by their pride: the great! than whom, there exist few amongst +those they call the vulgar, who are more ignorant of, or who cultivate +less, the art of living than they do; they, I say, who for ever mistake +things the most foreign to the nature of pleasure itself; whose capital +favourite object is enjoyment of beauty, wherever that rare invaluable +gift is found, without distinction of birth, or station. + +As love never had, so now revenge had no longer any share in my +commerce in this handsome youth. The sole pleasures of enjoyment were +now the link I held to him by: for though nature had done such great +maters for him in his outward form, and especially in that superb piece +of furniture she had so liberally enriched him with; though he was thus +qualified to give the senses their richest feast, still there was +something more wanting to create in me, and constitute the passion of +love. Yet Will had very good qualities too: gentle, tractable, and, +above all, grateful; silentious, even to a fault: he spoke, at any +time, very little, but made it up emphatically with action; and, to do +him justice, he never gave me the least reason to complain, either of +any tendency to encroach upon me for the liberties I allowed him, or of +his indiscretion in blabbing them. There is, then, a fatality in love, +or have loved him I must; for he was really a treasure, a bit for the +Bonne Bouche of a duchess; and, to say the truth, my liking for him was +so extreme, that it was distinguishing very nicely to deny that I loved +him. + +My happiness, however, with him did not last long, but found an end +from my own imprudent neglect. After having taken even superfluous +precautions against a discovery, our success in repeated meetings +emboldened me to omit the barely necessary ones. About a month after +our first intercourse, one fatal morning (the season Mr. H.... rarely +or never visited me in) I was in my closet, where my toilet stood, in +nothing but my shift, a bed gown and under petticoat. Will was with me, +and both ever too well disposed to baulk an opportunity. For my part, a +whim, a wanton toy had just taken me, and I had challenged my man to +execute it on the spot, who hesitated not to comply with my humour: I +was set in the arm chair, my shift and petticoat up, my thighs wide +spread and mounted over the arms of the chair, presenting the fairest +mark to Will’s drawn weapon, which he stood in act to plunge into me, +when, having neglected to secure the chamber door, and that of the +closet standing a-jar, Mr. H.... stole in upon us, before either of us +was aware, and saw us precisely in these convicting attitudes. + +I gave a great scream, and dropped my petticoat: the thunder-struck lad +stood trembling and pale, waiting his sentence of death. Mr. H.... +looked sometimes at one, sometimes at the other, with a mixture of +indignation and scorn; and, without saying a word, spun upon his heel +and went out. + +As confused as I was, I heard him very distinctly turn the key, and +lock the chamber door upon us, so that there was no escape but through +the dining room, where he himself was walking about with distempered +strides, stamping in a great chafe, and doubtless debating what he +would do with us. + +In the mean time, poor William was frightened out of his senses, and, +as much need as I had of spirits myself, I was obliged to employ them +all to keep his a little up. The misfortune I had now brought upon him, +endeared him the more to me, and I could have joyfully suffered any +punishment he had not shared in. I watered, plentifully, with my tears, +the face of the frightened youth, who sat, not having strength to +stand, as cold and as lifeless as a statue. + +Presently Mr. H.... comes in to us again, and made us go before him +into the dining room, trembling and dreading the issue, Mr. H.....sat +down on a chair whilst we stood like criminals under examination; and, +beginning with me, asked me, with an even firm tone of voice, neither +soft nor severe, but cruelly indifferent, what I could say for myself, +for having abused him in so unworthy a manner, with his own servant +too, and how he had deserved this of me? + +Without adding to the guilt of my infidelity, that of an audacious +defence of it, in the old style of a common kept miss, my answer was +modest, and often interrupted by my tears, in substance as follows: +“That I never had a single thought of wronging him” (which was true), +“till I had seen him taking the last liberties with my servant wench” +(here he coloured prodigiously), “and that my resentment at that, which +I was over-awed from giving vent to by complaints, or explanations with +him, had driven me to a course that I did not pretend to justify; but +that as to the young man, he was entirely faultless; for that, in the +view of making him the instrument of my revenge, I had down right +seduced him to what he had done; and therefore hoped, whatever he +determined about me, he would distinguish between the guilty and the +innocent; and that; for the rest, I was entirely at his mercy.” + +Mr. H.... on hearing what I said, hung his head a little; but instantly +recovering himself, he said to me, as near as I can retain, to the +following purpose: + +“Madam, I owe shame to myself, and confess you have fairly turned the +tables upon me. It is not with one of your cast of breeding and +sentiments, that I allow you so much reason on your side, as great +difference of the provocations: be it sufficient that I should enter +into a discussion of the very to have changed my resolution, in +consideration of what you reproach me with; and I own, too, that your +clearing that rascal there, is fair and honest in you. Renew with you I +cannot: the affront is too gross. I give you a week’s warning to get +out of these lodgings; whatever I have given you, remains to you; and +as I never intend to see you more, the landlord will pay you fifty +pieces on my account, with which, and every debt paid, I hope you will +own I do not leave you in a worse condition than what I took you up in, +or that you deserve of me. Blame yourself only that it is no better.” + +Then, without giving me time to reply, he addressed himself to the +young fellow: + +“For you, spark, I shall, for your father’s sake, take care of you: the +town is no place for such an easy fool as thou art; and to-morrow you +shall set out, under the charge of one of my men, well recommended, in +my name, to your father, not to let you return and be spoil’d here.” + +At these words he went out, after my vainly attempting to stop him, by +throwing myself at his feet. He shook me off, though he seemed greatly +moved too, and took Will away with him, who, I dare swear, thought +himself very cheaply off. + +I was now once more a-drift, and left upon my own hands, by a gentleman +whom I certainly did not deserve. And all the letters, arts, friends, +entreaties that I employed within the week of grace in my lodging, +could never win on him so much as to see me again. He had irrevocably +pronounced my doom, and submission to it was my only part. Soon after +he married a lady of birth and fortune, to whom, I have heard he proved +an irreproachable husband. + +As for poor Will, he was immediately sent down to the country to his +father, who was an easy farmer, where he was not four months before an +inn-keepers’ buxom young widow, with a very good stock, both in money +and trade, fancied, and perhaps pre-acquainted with his secret +excellencies, married him: and I am sure there was, at least, one good +foundation for their living happily together. + +Though I should have been charmed to see him before he went, such +measures were taken, by Mr. H....’s orders, that it was impossible; +otherwise I should certainly have endeavoured to detain him in town, +and would have spared neither offers nor expense to have procured +myself the satisfaction of keeping him with me. He had such powerful +holds upon my inclinations as were not easily to be shaken off, or +replaced; as to my heart, it was quite out of the question: glad, +however, I was from my soul, that nothing worse, and as things turned +out, nothing better could have happened to him. + +As to Mr. H..., though views of conveniency made me, at first, exert +myself to regain his affection, I was giddy and thoughtless enough to +be much easier reconciled to my failure than I ought to have been; but +as I never had loved him, and his leaving me gave me a sort of liberty +that I had often longed for, I was soon comforted; and flattering +myself, that the stock of youth and beauty I was going to trade with, +could hardly fail of procuring me a maintenance, I saw myself under the +necessity of trying my fortune with them, rather, with pleasure and +gaiety, than with the least idea of despondency. + +In the mean time, several of my acquaintances among the sisterhood, who +had soon got wind of my misfortune, flocked to insult me with their +malicious consolations. Most of them had long envied me the affluence +and splendour I had been maintained in; and though there was scarce one +of them that did not at least deserve to be in my case, and would +probably, sooner or later, come to it, it was equally easy to remark, +even in their affected pity, their secret pleasure at seeing me thus +discarded, and their secret grief that it was no worse with me. +Unaccountable malice of the human heart! and which is not confined to +the class of life they were of. + +But as the time approached for me to come to some resolution how to +dispose of myself, and I was considering, round where to shift my +quarters to, Mrs. Cole, a middle aged discreet sort of woman, who had +been brought into my acquaintance by one of the misses that visited me, +upon learning my situation, came to offer her cordial advice and +service to me; and as I had always taken to her more than to any of my +female acquaintances, I listened the easier to her proposals. And, as +it happened, I could not have put myself into worse, or into better +hands in all London: into worse, because keeping a house of +conveniency, there were no lengths in lewdness she would not advise me +to go, in compliance with her customers; no schemes, or pleasure, or +even unbounded debauchery, she did not take even a delight in +promoting: into a better, because nobody having had more experience of +the wicked part of the town than she had, was fitter to advise and +guard one against the worst dangers of our profession; and what was +rare to be met with in those of her’s, she contented herself with a +moderate living profit upon her industry and good offices, and had +nothing of their greedy rapacious turn. She was really too a +gentlewoman born and bred, but through a train of accidents reduced to +this course, which she pursued, partly through necessity, partly +through choice, as never woman delighted more in encouraging a brisk +circulation of the trade, for the sake of the trade itself, or better +understood all the mysteries and refinements of it, than she did; so +that she was consummately at the top of her profession, and dealt only +with customers of distinction: to answer the demands of whom she kept a +competent number of her daughters in constant recruit (so she called +those whom their youth and personal charms recommended to her adoption +and management: several of whom, by her means, and through her tuition +and instructions, succeeded very well in the world). + +This useful gentlewoman upon whose protection I now threw myself, +having her reasons of state, respecting Mr. H...., for not appearing +too much in the thing herself, sent a friend of her’s, on the day +appointed for my removal, to conduct me to my new lodgings at a +brush-maker’s in E—— street, Covent Garden, the very next door to her +own house, where she had no conveniences to lodge me herself: lodgings +that, by having been for several successions tenanted by ladies of +pleasures, the landlord of them was familiarized to their ways; and +provided the rent was paid, every thing else was as easy and commodious +as one could desire. + +The fifty guineas promised me by Mr. H...., at his parting with me, +having been duly paid me, all my clothes and moveables chested up, +which were at least of two hundred pounds value, I had them conveyed +into a coach, where I soon followed them, after taking a civil leave of +the landlord and his family, with whom I had never lived in a degree of +familiarity enough to regret the removal; but still, the very +circumstance of its being a removal, drew tears from me. I left, too, a +letter of thanks for Mr. H...., from whom I concluded myself, as I +really was, irretrievably separated. + +My maid I had discharged the day before, not only because I had her of +Mr. H...., but that I suspected her of having some how or other been +the occasion of his discovering me, in revenge, perhaps, for my not +having trusted her with him. + +We soon got to my lodgings, which, though not so handsomely furnished, +nor so showy as those I left, were to the full as convenient, and at +half price, though on the first floor. My trunks were safely landed, +and stowed in my apartments, where my neighbour, and now gouvernante, +Mrs. Cole, was ready with my landlord to receive me, to whom she took +care to set me out in the most favourable light, that of one from whom +there was the clearest reason to expect the regular payment of his +rent: all the cardinal virtues attributed to me, would not have had +half the weight of that recommendation alone. + +I was now settled in lodgings of my own, abandoned to my own conduct, +and turned loose upon the town, to sink or swim, as I could manage with +the current of it; and what were the consequences, together with the +number of adventures which befell me in the exercise of my new +profession, will compose the mater of another letter: for surely it is +high time to put a period! to this. + +I am, + +MADAM, + +Yours, etc., etc., etc. + +THE END OF THE FIRST LETTER + + + +LETTER THE SECOND + +Madam, + +If I have delayed the sequel of my history, it has been purely to allow +myself a little breathing time not without some hopes, that, instead of +pressing me to a continuation, you would have acquitted me of the task +of pursuing a confession, in the course of which my self-esteem has so +many wounds to sustain. + +I imagined, indeed, that you would have been cloyed and tired with +uniformity of adventures and expressions, inseparable from a subject of +this sort, whose bottom, or groundwork being, in the nature of things +eternally one and the same, whatever variety of forms and modes the +situations are susceptible of, there is no escaping a repetition of +near the same images, the same figures, the same expressions, with this +further inconvenience added to the disgust it creates, that the words +Joys, Ardours, Transports, Extasies and the rest of those pathetic +terms so congenial to, so received in the Practice of Pleasure, flatten +and lose much of their due spirit and energy by the frequency they +indispensably recur with, in a narrative of which that Practice +professedly composes the whole basis. I must therefore trust to the +candour of your judgment, for your allowing for the disadvantage I am +necessarily under in that respect; and to your imagination and +sensibility, the pleasing taks of repairing it, by their supplements, +where my descriptions flag or fail: the one will readily place the +pictures I present before your eyes; the other give life to the colours +where they are dull, or worn with too frequent handling. + +What you say besides, by way of encouragement concerning the extreme +difficulty of continuing so long in one strain, in a mean tempered with +taste, between the revoltingness of gross, rank and vulgar expressions, +and the ridicule of mincing metaphors and affected circumlocutions, is +so sensible, as well as good-natured, that you greatly justify me to +myself for my compliance with a curiosity that is to be satisfied so +extremely at my expense. + +Resuming now where I broke off in my last, I am in my way to remark to +you, that it was late in the evening before I arrived at my lodgings, +and Mrs. Cole, after helping me to range and secure my things, spent +the whole evening with me in my apartment, where we supped together, in +giving me the best advice and instruction with regard to the new stage +of my profession I was now to enter upon; and passing thus from a +private devotee to pleasure into a public one, to become a more general +good, with all the advantages requisite to put my person out to use, +either for interest or pleasure, or both. “But then,” she observed, “as +I was a kind of new face upon the town, that is, was an established +rule, and part of trade, for me to pass for a maid and dispose of +myself as such on the first good occasion, without prejudice, however, +to such diversions as I might have a mind to in the interim; for that +nobody could be a greater enemy than she was to the losing of time. +That she would, in the mean time, do her best to find out a proper +person, and would undertake to manage this nice point for me, if I +would accept of her aid and advice to such good purpose, that, in the +loss of a fictitious maidenhead, I should reap all the advantages of a +native one.” + +As too great a delicacy of sentiments did not extremely belong to my +character at that time, I confess, against myself, that I perhaps too +readily closed with a proposal which my candor and ingenuity gave me +some repugnance to: but not enough to contradict the intention of one +to whom I had now thoroughly abandoned the direction of all my steps. +For Mrs. Cole had, I do not know how unless by one of those +unaccountable invincible sympathies that, nevertheless, from the +strongest links, especially of female friendship, won and got entire +possession of me. On her side, she pretended that a strict resemblance, +she fancied she saw in me, to an only daughter whom she had lost at my +age, was the first motive of her taking to me so affectionately as she +did. It might be so: there exist a slender motives of attachment, that, +gathering force from habit and liking, have proved often more solid and +durable than those founded on much stronger reasons; but this I know, +that though I had no other acquaintance with her, than seeing her at my +lodgings, when I lived with Mr. H..., where she had made errands to +sell me some millinery ware, she had by degrees insinuated herself so +far into my confidence, that I threw myself blindly into her hands, and +came, at length, to regard, love, and obey her implicitly; and, to do +her justice, I never experienced at her hands other than a sincerity of +tenderness, and care for my interest, hardly heard of in those of her +profession. We parted that night, after having settled a perfect +unreserved agreement; and the next morning Mrs. Cole came, and took me +with her to her house for the first time. + +Here, at the first sight of things, I found every thing breathe an air +of decency, modesty and order. + +In the outer parlour, or rather shop, sat three young women, rather +demurely employed on millinery work, which was the cover of a traffic +in more precious commodities; but three beautifuller creatures could +hardly be seen. Two of them were extremely fair, the eldest not above +nineteen; and the third, much about that age, was a piquant brunette, +whose black sparking eyes, and perfect harmony of features and shape, +left her nothing to envy in her fairer companions. Their dress too had +the more design in it, the less it appeared to have, being in a taste +of uniform correct neatness, and elegant simplicity. These were the +girls that composed the small domestic flock, which my governess +trained up with surprising order and management, considering the giddy +wildness of young girls once got upon the loose. But then she never +continued any in her house, whom, after a due noviciate, she found +un-tractable, or unwilling to comply with the rules of it. Thus she had +insensibly formed a little family of love, in which the members found +so sensibly their account, in a rare alliance of pleasure and interest, +and of a necessary outward decency, with unbounded secret liberty, that +Mrs. Cole, who had picked them as much for their temper as their +beauty, governed them with ease to herself and them too. + +To these pupils then of hers, whom she had prepared, she presented me +as a new boarder, and one that was to be immediately admitted to all +the intimacies of the house; upon which these charming girls gave me +all the marks of a welcome reception, and indeed of being perfectly +pleased with my figure, that I could possibly expect from any of my own +sex: but they had been effectually brought to sacrifice all jealousy, +or competition of charms, to a common interest, and considered me a +partner that was bringing no despicable stock of goods into the trade +of the house. They gathered round me, viewed me on all sides; and as my +admission into this joyous troop made a little holiday, the shew of +work was laid aside; and Mrs. Cole giving me up, with special +recommendation, to their caresses and entertainment, went about her +ordinary business of the house. + +The sameness of our sex, age, profession, and views, soon creased as +unreserved a freedom and intimacy as if we had been for years +acquainted. They took and shewed me the house, their respective +apartments, which were furnished with every article of convenience and +luxury; and above all, a spacious drawing-room, where a select +revelling band usually met, in general parties of pleasure; the girls +supping with their sparks, and acting their wanton pranks with +unbounded licentiousness; whilst a defiance of awe, modesty or jealousy +were their standing rules, by which, according to the principles of +their society, whatever pleasure was lost on the side of sentiment, was +abundantly made up to the senses in the poignancy of variety, and the +charms of ease and luxury. The authors and supporters of this secret +institution would, in the height of their humour, style themselves the +restorers of the golden age and its simplicity of pleasures, before +their innocence became so unjustly branded with the names of guilt and +shame. + +As soon then as the evening began, and the shew of a shop was shut, the +academy opened; the mask of mock-modesty was completely taken off, and +all the girls delivered over to their respective calls of pleasure or +interest with their men: and none of that sex was promiscuously +admitted, but only such as Mrs. Cole was previously satisfied with +their character and discretion. In short, this was the safest, +politest, and, at the same time, the most thorough house of +accommodation in town: every thing being conducted so, that decency +made no intrenchment upon the most libertine pleasures; in the practice +of which, too, the choice familiars of the house had found the secret +so rare and difficult, of reconciling even all the refinements of taste +and delicacy, with the most gross and determinate gratifications of +sensuality. + +After having consumed the morning in the dear endearments and +instructions of my new acquaintance, we went to dinner, when Mrs. Cole, +presiding at the head of her club, gave me the first idea of her +management and address, in inspiring these girls with so sensible a +love and respect for her. There was no stiffness, no reserve, no airs +of pique, or little jealousies, but all was unaffectedly gay, cheerful +and easy. + +After dinner, Mrs. Cole, seconded by the young ladies, acquainted me +that there was a chapter to be held that night in form, for the +ceremony of my reception into the sisterhood; and in which, with all +due reserve to my maidenhead, that was to be occasionally cooked up for +the first proper chapman. I was to undergo a ceremonial of initiation +they were sure I should not be displeased with. + +Embarked as I was, and moreover captivated with the charms of my new +companions, I was too much prejudiced in favour of any proposal they +could make, to as much as hesitate an assent; which, therefore, readily +giving in the style of a carte blanche, I received fresh kisses of +compliment from them all, in approval of my docility and good nature. +Now I was “a sweet girl... I came into things with a good grace... I +was not affectedly coy... I should be the pride of the house,” and the +like. + +This point thus adjusted, the young women left Mrs. Cole to talk and +concert matters with me, when she explained to me, that “I should be +introduced that very evening, to four of her best friends, one of whom +she had, according to the custom of the house, favoured with the +preference of engaging me in the first party of pleasure;” assuring me, +at the same time, “that they were all young gentlemen agreeable in +their persons, and unexceptionable in every respect; that united, and +holding together by the band of common pleasures, they composed the +chief support of her house, and made very liberal presents to the girls +that pleased and humoured them, so that they were, properly speaking, +the founders and patrons of this little seraglio. Not but that she had, +at proper seasons, other customers to deal with, whom she stood less +upon punctilio with, than with these; for instance, it was not on one +of them she could attempt to pass me for a maid; they were not only too +knowing, too much town-bred to bite at such a bait, but they were such +generous benefactors to her, that it would be unpardonable to think of +it.” + +Amidst all the flutter and emotion which this promise of pleasure, for +such I conceived it, stirred up in me, I preserved so much of the +woman, as to feign just reluctance enough to make some merit, of +sacrificing it to the influence of my patroness, whom I likewise, still +in character, reminded of it perhaps being right for me to go home and +dress, in favour of my first impressions. + +But Mrs. Cole, in opposition to this, assured me, “that the gentlemen I +should be presented to were, by their rank and taste of things, +infinitely superior to the being touched with any glare of dress or +ornaments, such slick women rather confound and overlay than set off +their beauty with; that these veteran voluptuaries knew better than not +to hold them in the highest contempt: they with whom the pure native +charms alone could pass current, and who would at any time leave a +sallow, washy, painted duchess on her own hands, for a ruddy, healthy +firm fleshed country maid; and as for my part, that nature had done +enough for me, to set me above owing the least favour to art;” +concluding withal, that for the instant occasion, there was no dress +like an undress. + +I thought my governess too good a judge of these matters, not to be +easily overruled by her: after which she went on preaching very +pathetically the doctrine of passive obedience and non-resistance to +all those arbitrary tastes of pleasure, which are by some styled the +refinements, and by others the depravations of it; between whom it was +not the business of a simple girl, who was to profit by pleasing, to +decide, but to conform to. Whilst I was edifying by these wholesome +lessons, tea was brought in, and the young ladies, returning, joined +company with us. + +After a great deal of mixed chat, frolic and humour, one of them, +observing that there would be a good deal of time on and before the +assembly hour, proposed that each girl should entertain the company +with that critical period of her personal history, in which she first +exchanged the maiden state for womanhood. The proposal was approved, +with only one restriction of Mrs. Cole, that she, on account of her +age, and I, on account of my titular maidenhead, should be excused, at +least till I had undergone the forms of the house. This obtained me a +dispensation, and the promotress of this amusement was desired to +begin. + +Her name was Emily; a girl fair to excess, and whose limbs were, if +possible, too well made, since their plump fulness was rather to the +prejudice of that delicate slimness required by the nicer judges of +beauty; her eyes were blue, and streamed inexpressible sweetness, and +nothing could be prettier than her mouth and lips, which closed over a +range of the evenest and whitest teeth. Thus she began: + +“Neither my extraction, nor the most critical adventure of my life, is +sublime enough to impeach me of any vanity in the advancement of the +proposal you have approved of. My father and mother were, and for aught +I know, are still, farmers in the country, not above forty miles from +town: their barbarity to me, in favour of a son, on whom alone they +vouchsafed to bestow their tenderness, had a thousand times determined +me to fly their house, and throw myself on the wide world; but, at +length, an accident forced me on this desperate attempt at the age of +fifteen. I had broken a chinabowl, the pride and idol of both their +hearts; and as an unmerciful beating was the least I had to depend on +at their hands, in the silliness of these tender years, I left the +house, and, at all adventures, took the road to London. How my loss was +resented I do not know, for till this instant I have not heard a +syllable about them. My whole stock was two broad pieces of my +godmother’s, a few shillings, silver shoe-buckles and a silver thimble. +Thus equipped, with no more clothes than the ordinary ones I had on my +back, and frightened at every foot or noise I heard behind me, I +hurried on; and I dare sweare, walked a dozen miles before I stopped, +through mere weariness and fatigue. At length I sat down on a style, +wept bitterly, and yet was still rather under increased impressions of +fear on the account of my escape; which made me dread, worse than +death, the going back to my unnatural parents. Refreshed by this little +repose, and relieved by my tears, I was proceeding onward, when I was +overtaken by a sturdy country lad, who was going to London to see what +he could do for himself there, and, like me, had given his friends the +slip. He could not be above seventeen, was ruddy, well featured enough, +with uncombed flaxen hair, a little flapped hat, kersey frock, yarn +stockings, in short, a perfect plough boy. I saw him come whistling +behind me, with a bundle tied to the end of a stick, his travelling +equipage. We walked by one another for some time without speaking; at +length we joined company, and agreed to keep together till we got to +our journey’s end; what his designs or ideas were, I know not: the +innocence of mine I can solemnly protest. + +“As night drew on, it became us to look out for some inn or shelter; to +which perplexity another was added, and that was, what we should say +for ourselves, if we were questioned. After some puzzle, the young +fellow started a proposal, which I thought the finest that could be; +and what was that? why, that we should pass for husband and wife: I +never dreamed of consequences. We came presently, after having agreed +on this notable experience, to one of those hedge accommodations for +foot passengers, at the door of which stood an old crazy beldam, who +seeing us trudge by, invited us to lodge there. Glad of any cover, we +went in, and my fellow traveller, taking all upon him, called for what +the house afforded, and we supped together as man and wife; which, +considering our figures and ages, could not have passed on any one but +such as any thing could pass on. But when bed-time came on, we had +neither of us the courage to contradict our first account of ourselves; +and what was extremely pleasant, the young lad seemed as perplexed as I +was how to evade lying together, which was so natural for the state we +had pretended to. Whilst we were in this quandary, the landlady takes +the candles, and lights us to our apartment, through a long yard, at +the end of which it stood, separate from the body of the house. Thus we +suffered ourselves to be conducted, without saying a word in opposition +to it; and there, in a wretched room, with a bed answerable, we were +left to pass the night together, as a thing quite of course. For my +part, I was so incredibly innocent, as not even to think much more harm +of going into bed with the young man, than with one of our dairy +wenches; nor had he, perhaps, any other notions than those of +innocence, till such a fair occasion put them into his head. + +“Before either of us undressed, however, he put out the candle; and the +bitterness of the weather made it a kind of necessity for me to go into +bed: slipping then my clothes off, I crept under the bedclothes, where +I found the young stripling already nestled, and the touch of his warm +flesh rather pleased than alarmed me. I was indeed too much disturbed +with the novelty of my condition to be able to sleep; but then I had +not the least thought of harm. But oh! how powerful are the instincts +of nature! how little is there wanting to set them in action! The young +man, sliding his arm under my body, drew me gently towards him, as if +to keep himself and me warmer; and the heat I felt from joining our +breasts, kindled another that I had hitherto never felt, and was, even +then, a stranger to the nature of. Emboldened, I suppose, by my +easiness, he ventured to kiss me, and I insensibly returned it; without +knowing the consequence of returning it: for, on this encouragement, he +slipped his hand all down from my breast to that part of me where the +sense of feeling is so exquisitely critical, as I then experienced by +its instant taking fire upon the touch, and glowing with a strange +tickling heat: there he pleased himself and me, by feeling, till +growing a little too bold with me, he hurt me, and made me complain. +Then he took my hand, which he guided, not unwillingly on my side, +between the twist of his closed thighs, which were extremely warm; +there he lodged and pressed it, till raising it by degrees, he made me +feel the proud distinction of his sex from mine. I was frightened at +the novelty, and drew back my hand; yet, pressed and spurred on by +sensations of a strange pleasure, I could not help asking him what that +was for? He told me he would shew me if I would let him; and without +waiting for my answer, which he prevented by stopping my mouth with +kisses I was far from disrelishing, he got upon me, and inserting one +of his thighs between mine, opened them so as to make way for himself, +and fixed me to his purpose; whilst I was so much out of my usual +sense, so subdued by the present power of a new one, that, between far +and desire, I lay utter passive, till the piercing pain rouzed and made +me cry out. But it was too late: he was too firm fixed in the saddle +for me to compass flinging him, with all the struggles I could use, +some of which only served to further his point, and at length an +irresistible thrust murdered at once my maidenhead, and almost me. I +now lay a bleeding witness of the necessity imposed on our sex, to +gather the first honey off the thorns. + +“But the pleasure rising as the pain subsided, I was soon reconciled to +fresh trials, and before morning, nothing on earth could be dearer to +me than this rifler of my virgin sweets: he was every thing to me now. + +“How we agreed to join fortunes: how we came up to town together, where +we lived some time, till necessity-parted us, and drove me into this +course of life, to which I had been long ago bettered and torn to +pieces before I came to this age, as much through my easiness, as +through inclination, had it not been for my finding refuge in this +house: these are all circumstances which pass the mark I proposed, so +that here my narrative ends.” + +In the order of our sitting, it was Harriet’s turn to go on. Amongst +all the beauties of our sex, that I had before, or have since seen, few +indeed were the forms that could dispute excellence with her’s; it was +not delicate, but delicacy itself incarnate, such was the symmetry of +her small but exactly fashioned limbs. Her complexion, fair as it was, +appeared yet more fair, from the effect of two black eyes, the +brilliancy of which gave her face more vivacity than belonged to the +colour of it, which was only defended from paleness, by a sweetly +pleasing blush in her cheeks, that grew fainter and fainter, till at +length it died away insensibly into the overbearing white. Then her +miniature features joined to finish the extreme sweetness of it, which +was not belied by that of a temper turned to indolence, languor, and +the pleasures of love. Pressed to subscribe her contingent, she smiled, +blushed a little, and thus complied with our desires: + +“My father was neither better nor worse than a miller near the city of +York; and both he and my mother dying whilst I was an infant, I fell +under the care of a widow and childless aunt, housekeeper to my lord +N..., at his seat in the county of..., where she brought me up with all +imaginable tenderness. I was not seventeen, as I am not now eighteen, +before I had, on account of my person purely (for fortune I had +notoriously none), several advantageous proposals; but whether nature +was slow in making me sensible in her favourite passion, or that I had +not seen any of the other sex who had stirred up the least emotion or +curiosity to be better acquainted with it, I had, till that age, +preserved a perfect innocence, even of thought: whilst my fears of I +did not now well know what, made me no more desirous of marrying than +of dying. My aunt, good woman, favoured my timorousness, which she +looked on as childish affection, that her own experience might +probably assure her would wear off in time, and gave my suitors proper +answers for me. + +“The family had not been down at that seat for years, so that it was +neglected, and committed entirely to my aunt, and two old domestics to +take care of it. Thus I had the full range of a spacious lonely house +and gardens, situated at about half a mile distance from any other +habitation, except, perhaps, a straggling cottage or so. + +“Here, in tranquillity and innocence, I grew up without any memorable +accident, till one fatal day I had, as I had often done before, left my +aunt asleep, and secure for some hours, after dinner; and resorting to +a kind of ancient summer house, at some distance from the house, I +carried my work with me, and sat over a rivulet, which its door and +window faced upon. Here I fell into a gentle breathing slumber, which +stole upon my senses, as they fainted under the excessive heat of the +season at that hour; a cane couch, with my work basked for a pillow, +were all the conveniences of my short repose; for I was soon awaked and +alarmed by a flounce, and noise of splashing in the water. I got up to +see what was the matter; and what indeed should it be but the son of a +neighbouring gentleman, as I afterwards found (for I had never seen him +before), who had strayed that way with his gun, and heated by his +sport, and the sultriness of the day, had been tempted by the freshness +of the clear stream; so that presently stripping, he jumped into it on +the other side, which bordered on a wood, some trees whereof, inclined +down to the water, formed a pleasing shady recess, commodious to +undress and leave his clothes under. + +“My first emotions at the sight of this youth, naked in the water, +were, with all imaginable respect to truth, those of surprise and fear; +and, in course, I should immediately have run out, had not my modesty, +fatally for itself, interposed the objection of the door and window +being so situated, that it was scarce possible to get out, and make my +way along the bank to the house, without his seeing me: which I could +not bear the thought of, so much ashamed and confounded was I at having +seen him. Condemned then to stay till his departure should release me, +I was greatly embarrassed how to dispose of myself: I kept some time +betwixt terror and modesty, even from looking through the window, which +being an old fashioned casement, without any light behind me, could +hardly betray any one’s being there to him from within; then the door +was so secure, that without violence, or my own consent, there was no +opening it from without. + +“But now, by my own experience, I found it too true, that objects which +affright us, when we cannot get from them, draw our eyes as forcibly as +those that please us. I could not long withstand that nameless impulse, +which, without any desire of this novel sight, compelled me towards it; +emboldened too by my certainty of being at once unseen and safe, I +ventured by degrees to cast my eyes on an object so terrible and +alarming to my virgin modesty as a naked man. + +“But as I snatched a look, the first gleam that struck me, was in +general the dewy lustre of the whitest skin imaginable, which the sun +playing upon made the reflection of it perfectly beamy. His face, in +the confusion I was in, I could not well distinguish the lineamints of, +any farther than that there was a great deal of youth and freshness in +it. The frolic and various play of all his fine polished limbs, as they +appeared above the surface, in the course of his swimming or wantoning +with the water, amused and insensibly delighted me; sometimes he lay +motionless, on his back, waterborne, and dragging after him a fine head +of hair, that, floating, swept the stream in a bush of black curls. +Then the overflowing water would make a separation between his breast +and glossy white belly; at the bottom of which I could not escape +observing so remarkable a distinction, as a black mossy tuft, out of +which appeared to emerge a round, softish, limber, white something, +that played every way, with ever the least motion or whirling eddy. I +cannot say but that part chiefly, by a kind of natural instinct, +attracted, detained, captivated my attention: it was out of the power +of all my modesty to command my eye away from it; and seeing nothing so +very dreadful in its appearance, I insensibly looked away all my fears: +but as fast as they gave way, new desires and strange wishes took +place, and I melted as I gazed. The fire of nature, that had so long +lain dormant or concealed, began to break out, and made me feel my sex +for the first time. He had now changed his posture, and swam prone on +his belly, striking out with his legs and arms; finer modeled than +which could not have been cast, whilst his floating locks played over a +neck and shoulders whose whiteness they delightfully set off. Then the +luxuriant swell of flesh that rose from the small of his back, and +terminates its double cope at where the thighs are set off, perfectly +dazzled one with its watery glistening gloss. + +“By this time I was so affected by this inward involution of +sentiments, so softened by this sight, that now, betrayed into a sudden +transition from extreme fears to extreme desires, I found these last so +strong upon me, the heat of the weather too perhaps conspiring to exalt +their rage, that nature almost fainted under them. Not that I so much +as knew precisely what was wanting to me: my only thought was, that so +sweet a creature, as this youth seemed to me, could only make me happy; +but then, the little likelihood there was of compassing an acquaintance +with him, or perhaps of ever seeing him again, dashed my desires, and +turned them into torments. I was still gazing, with all the powers of +my sight, on this bewitching object, when, in an instant, down he went. +I had heard of such things as a cramp seizing on even the best +swimmers, and occasioning their being drowned; and imagining this so +sudden eclipse to be owing to it, the inconceivable fondness this +unknown lad had given birth to, distracted me with the most killing +terrors; insomuch, that my concern giving the wings, I flew to the +door, opened it, ran down to the canal, guided thither by the madness +of my fears for him, and the intense desire of being an instrument to +save him, though I was ignorant how, or by what means to effect it: but +was it for fears, and a passion so sudden as mine, to reason! All this +took up scarce the space of a few moments. I had then just life enough +to reach the green borders of the waterpiece, where wildly looking +round for the young man, and missing him still, my fright and concern +sunk me down in a deep swoon, which must have lasted me some time; for +I did not come to myself, till I was roused out of it by a sense of +pain that pierced me to the vitals, and awaked me to the the most +surprising circumstance of finding myself not only in the arms of this +very young gentleman I had been so solicitous to save; but taken at +such an advantage in my unresisting condition, that he had actually +completed his entrance into me so far, that weakened as I was by all +the preceding conflicts of mind I had suffered, and struck dumb by the +violence of my surprise, I had neither the power to cry out, nor the +strength to disengage myself from his strenuous embraces, before, +urging his point, he had forced his way and completely triumphed over +my virginity, as he might now as well see by the streams of blood that +followed his drawing out, as he had felt by the difficulties he had met +with consummating his penetration. But the sight of the blood, and the +sense of my condition, had (as he told me afterwards), since the +ungovernable rage of his passion was somewhat appeased, now wrought so +far on him, that at all risks, even of the worst consequences, he could +not find in his heart to leave me, and make off, which he might easily +have done. I still lay all discomposed in bleeding ruin, palpitating, +speechless, unable to get off, and frightened, and fluttering like a +poor wounded partridge, and ready to faint away again at the sense of +what had befallen me. The young gentleman was by me, kneeling, kissing +my hand, and with tears in his eyes, beseeching me to forgive him, and +offering all the reparation in his power. It is certain that could I, +at the instant of regaining my senses, have called out, or taken the +bloodiest revenge, I would not be stuck at it; the violation was +attended too with such aggravating circumstances, though he was +ignorant of them, since it was to my concern for the preservation of +his life, that I owed my ruin. + +“But how quick is the shift of passions from one extreme to another! +and how little are they acquainted with the human heart who dispute it! +I could not see this amiable criminal, so suddenly the first object of +my love, and as suddenly of my just hate, on his knees, bedewing my +hands with his tears, without relenting. He was still stark-naked, but +my modesty had been already too much wounded, in essentials, to be so +much shocked as I should have otherwise been with appearances only; in +short, my anger ebbed so fast, and the tide of love returned so strong +upon me, that I felt it a point of my own happiness to forgive him. The +reproaches I made him were murmured in so soft a tone, my eyes met his +with such glances, expressing more languor than resentment, that he +could not but presume his forgiveness was at no desperate distance; but +still he would not quit his posture of submission, till I had +pronounced his pardon in form; which after the most fervent entreaties, +protestations, and promises, I had not the power to withhold. On which, +with the utmost marks of a fear of again offending, he ventured to kiss +my lips, which I neither declined nor resented: but on my mild +expostulation with him upon the barbarity of his treatment, he +explained the mystery of my ruin, if not entirely to the clearance, at +least much to the alleviation of his guilt, in the eyes of a judge so +partial in his favour as I was grown. + +“It seems that the circumstance of his going down, or sinking, which in +my extreme ignorance I had mistaken for something very fatal, was no +other than a trick of diving, which I had not ever heard, or at least +attended o, the mention of: and he was so long-breathed at it, that in +the few moments in which I ran out to save him, he had not yet emerged, +before I fell into the swoon, in which, as he rose, seeing me extended +on the bank, his first idea was, that some young woman was upon some +design of frolic or diversion with him, for he knew I could not have +fallen asleep there without his having seen me before: agreebly to +which notion he had ventured to approach, and finding me without sign +of life, and still perplexed as he was what to think of the adventure, +he took me in his arms at all hazards, and carried me into the +summer-house, of which he observed the door open: there he laid me down +on the couch, and tried, as he protested in good faith, by several +means to bring me to myself again, till fired, as he said, beyond all +bearing by the sight and touch of several parts of me, which were +unguardedly exposed to him, he could no longer govern his passion; and +the less, as he was not quite sure that his first idea of this swoon +being a feint, was not the very truth of the case; seduced then by this +flattering notion, and overcome by the present, as he styled them, +super-human temptations, combined with the solitude and seeming +security of the attempt, he was not enough his own master not to make +it. Leaving me then just only whilst he fastened the door, he returned +with redoubled eagerness to his prey: when, finding me still entranced, +he ventured to place me as he pleased, whilst I felt, no more than the +dead, what he was about, till the pain he put me to roused me just in +time enough to be witness of a triumph I was not able to defeat, and +now scarce regretted: for as he talked, the tone of his voice sounded, +methought, so sweetly in my ears, the sensible nearness of so new and +interesting an object to me, wrought so powerfully upon me, that, in +the rising perception of things in a new and pleasing light, I lost all +sense of the past injury. The young gentleman soon discerned the +symptoms of a reconciliation in my softened looks, and hastening to +receive the seal of it from my lips, pressed them tenderly to pass his +pardon in the return of a kiss so melting fiery, that the impression of +it being carried to my heart, and thence to my new discovered sphere of +Venus, I was melted into a softness that could refuse him nothing. When +now he managed his caresses and endearments so artfully, as to +insinuate the most soothing consolations for the past pain and the most +pleasing expectations of future pleasure, but whilst mere modesty kept +my eyes from seeing his and rather declined them, I had a glimpse of +that instrument of mischief which was now, obviously even to me, who +had scarce had snatches of a comparative observation of it, resuming +its capacity to renew it, and grew greatly alarming with its increase +of size, as he bore it no doubt designedly, hard and stiff against one +of my hands carelessly dropt; but then he employed such tender +prefacing, such winning progressions, that my returning passion of +desire being now so strongly prompted by the engaging circumstances of +the sight and incendiary touch of his naked glowing beauties, I yield +at length at the force of the present impressions, and he obtained of +my tacit blushing consent all the gratifications of pleasure left in +the power of my poor person to bestow, after he had cropt its richest +flower, during my suspension of life, and abilities to guard it. + +“Here, according to the rule laid down, I should stop; but I am so much +in notion, that I could not if I would. I shall only add, however, that +I got home without the least discovery, or suspicion of what had +happened. I met my young ravisher several times after, whom I now +passionately loved and who, though not of age to claim a small but +independent fortune, would have married me; but as the accident that +prevented it, and its consequences, which threw me on the public, +contain matters too moving and serious to introduce at present, I cut +short here.” + +Louisa, the brunette whom I mentioned at first, now took her turn to +treat the company with her history. I have already hinted to you the +graces of her person, than which nothing could be more exquisitely +touching; I repeat touching, as a just distinction from striking, which +is ever a less lasting effect, and more generally belongs to the fair +complexions; but leaving that decision to every one’s taste, I proceed +to give you Louisa’s narrative as follows: + +“According to practical maxims of life, I ought to boast of my birth, +since I owe it to pure love, without marriage; but this I know, it was +scarce possible to inherit a stronger propensity to that cause of my +being than I did. I was the rare production of the first essay of a +journeyman cabinet-maker, on his master’s maid: the consequence of +which was a big belly, and the loss of a place. He was not in +circumstances to do much for her; and yet, after all this blemish, she +found means, after she had dropt her burthen, and disposed of me to a +poor relation in the country, to repair it by marrying a pastry-cook +here in London, in thriving business; on whom she soon, under favour of +the complete ascendant he had given her over him, passed me for a child +she had by her first husband. I had, on that footing, been taken home, +and was not six years old when this father-in-law died, and left my +mother in tolerable circumstances, and without any children by him. As +to my natural father, he had betaken himself to the sea; where, when +the truth of things came out, I was told that he died, not immensely +rich you may think, since he was no more than a common sailor. As I +grew up, under the eyes of my mother, who kept on the business, I could +not but see, in her severe watchfulness, the marks of a slip, which she +did not care should be hereditary; but we no more choose our passions +than our features or complexions, and the bent of mine was so strong to +the forbidden pleasure, that it got the better, at length, of all her +care and precaution. I was scarce twelve years old, before that part +which she wanted so much to keep out of harm’s way, made me feel its +impatience to be taken notice of, and come into play; already had it +put forth the signs of forwardness in the sprout of a soft down over +it, which had often fluttered, and I might also say, grown under my +constant touch and visitation, so pleased was I with what I took to be +a kind of title to womanhood, that state I pined to be entered of, for +the pleasures I conceived were annexed to it; and now the growing +importance of that part to me, and the new sensations in it, demolished +at once all my girlish play-things and amusements. Nature now pointed +me strongly to more solid diversions, while all the stings of desire +settled so fiercely in that little centre of them, that I could not +mistake the spot I wanted a playfellow in. + +“I now shunned all company in which there was no hopes of coming at the +object of my longings, and used to shut myself up, to indulge in +solitude some tender meditation on the pleasure I strongly perceived +the overture of, in feeling and examining what nature assured me must +be the chosen avenue, the gates for unknown bliss to enter at, that I +panted after. + +“But these meditations only increased my disorder, and blew the fire +that consumed me. I was yet worse when, yielding at length to the +insupportable irritations of the little fairy charm that tormented me, +I seized it with my fingers, teazing it to no end. Sometimes, in the +furious excitations of desire, I threw myself on the bed, spread my +thighs abroad, and lay as it were expecting the longed-for relief, till +finding my illusion, I shut and squeezed them together again, burning +and fretting. In short, this develish thing, with its impetuous girds +and itching fires, led me such a life, that I could neither, night or +day, be at peace with it or myself. In time, however, I thought I had +gained a prodigious prize, when figuring to myself that my fingers were +something of the shape of what I pined for, I worked my way in with one +of them with great agitation and delight; yet not without pain too did +I deflower myself as far as it could reach; proceeding with such a fury +of passion, in this solitary and last shift of pleasure, as extended me +at length breathless on the bed in an amorous melting trance. + +“But frequency of use dulling the sensation, I soon began to perceive +that this work was but a paultry shallow expedient, that went but a +little way to relieve me, and rather raised more flame than its dry and +insignificant titillation could rightly appease. + +“Man alone, I almost instinctively knew, as well as by what I had +industriously picked up at weddings and christenings, was possessed of +the only remedy that could reduce this rebellious disorder; but watched +and overlooked as I was, how to come at it was the point, and that, to +all appearance, an invincible one; not that I did not rack my brains +and invention how at once to elude my mothers vigilance, and procure +myself the satisfaction of my impetuous curiosity and longings for this +mighty and untasted pleasure. At length, however, a singular chance did +at once the work of a long course of alertness. One day that we had +dined at an acquaintance over the way, together with a +gentlewoman-lodger that occupied the first floor of our house, there +started an indispensable necessity for my mother’s going down to +Greenwich to accompany her: the party was settled, when I do not know +what genius whispered me to plead a headache, which I certainly had +not, against my being included in a jaunt that I had not the least +relish for. The pretext, however, passed, and my mother, with much +reluctance, prevailed with herself to go without me; but took +particular care to see me safe home, where she consigned me into the +hands of an old trusty maidservants, who served in the shop, for we had +not a male creature in the house. + +“As soon as she was gone, I told the maid I would go up and lie down on +our lodger’s bed, mine not being made, with a charge to her at the same +time not to disturb me, as it was only rest I wanted. This injunction +probably proved of eminent service to me. As soon as I was got into the +bedchamber, I unlaced my stays, and threw myself on the outside of the +bedclothes, in all the loosest undress. Here I gave myself up to the +old insipid privy shifts of my self-viewing, self-touching +self-enjoying, in fine, to all the means of self knowledge I could +devise, in search of the pleasure that fled before me, and tantalized +with that unknown something that was out of my reach; thus all only +served to enflame myself, and to provoke violently my desires, whilst +the one thing needful to their satisfaction was not at hand, and I +could have bit my finger for representing it so ill. After then +wearying and fatiguing myself with grasping shadows, whilst that most +sensible part of me disdained to content itself with less than +realities, the strong yearnings, the urgent struggles of nature towards +the melting relief, and the extreme self-agitations I had used to come +at it, had wearied and thrown me into a kind of unquiet sleep: for, if +I tossed and threw about my limbs in proportion to the distraction of +my dreams, as I had reason to believe I did, a bystander could not have +helped seeing all for love. And one there was it seems; for waking out +of my very short slumber, I found my hand locked in that of a young +man, who was kneeling at my bed-side, and begging my pardon for his +boldness: but that being a son to the lady to whom, this bed-chamber, +he knew, belonged, he had slipped by the servant of the shop, as he +supposed, unperceived, when finding me asleep, his first ideas were to +withdraw; but that he had been fixed and detained there by a power he +could better account for, than resist. + +“What shall I say? my emotions of fear and surprise were instantly +subdued by those of the pleasure I bespoke in great presence of mind +from the turn this adventure might take. He seemed to me no other than +a pitying angel, dropt out of the clouds: for he was young and +perfectly handsome, which was more than even I had asked for, man, in +general, being all that my utmost desires had pointed at. I thought +then I could not put too much encouragement into my eyes and voice; I +regretted no leading advances; no matter for his after-opinion of my +forwardness, so it might bring him to the point of answering my +pressing demands of present case; it was not now with his thoughts but +his actions that my business immediately lay. I raised then my head, +and told him, in a soft tone, that tended to prescribe the same key to +him, that his mamma was gone out and would not return till late at +night: which I thought no bad hint; but as it proved, I had nothing of +a novice to deal with. The impressions I had made on him from the +discoveries I had betrayed of my person in the disordered motions of +it, during his view of me asleep, had, as he afterwards told me, so +fixed and charmingly prepared him, that, had I known his dispositions, +I had more to hope from his violence, than to fear from his respect; +and even less than the extreme tenderness which I threw into my voice +and eyes, would have served to encourage him to make the most of the +opportunity. Finding then that his kisses, imprinted on my hand, were +taken as tamely as he could wish, he rose to my lips; and glewing his +to them, made me so faint with overcoming joy and pleasure, that I fell +back, and he with me, in course, on the bed, upon which I had, by +insensibly shifting from the side to near the middle, invitingly, made +room for him. He is now lain down by me, and the minutes being too +precious to consume in ultimate ceremony, or dalliance, my youth +proceeds immediately to those extremities, which all my looks, humming +and palpitations, had assured him he might attempt without the fear of +a repulse: those rogues the men, read us admirably on these occasions. +I lay then at length panting for the imminent attack, with wishes far +beyond my fears, and for which it was scarce possible for a girl, +barely thirteen, but tall and well grown, to have better dispositions. +He threw up my petticoat and shift, whilst my thighs were, by an +instinct of nature, unfolded to their best; and my desires had so +thoroughly destroyed all modesty in me, that even their being now naked +and all laid open to him, was part of the prelude that pleasure +deepened my blushes at, more than same. But when his hand, and touches, +naturally attracted to their center, made me feel all their wantonness +and warmth in, and round it, oh! how immensely different a sense of +things, did I perceive there, than when under my own insipid handling! +And now his waistcoat was unbuttoned, and the confinement of the +breeches burst through, when out started to view the amazing, pleasing +object of all my wishes, all my dreams, all my love, the king member +indeed! I gazed at, I devoured it, at length and breadth, with my eyes +intently directed to it, till his; getting upon me, and placing between +my thighs, took from me the enjoyment of its sight, to give me a far +more grateful one, in its touch, in that part where its touch is so +exquisitely affecting. Applying it then to the minute opening, for such +at that age it certainly was, I met with too much good will, I felt +with too great a rapture of pleasure the first insertion of it, to heed +much the pain that followed: I thought nothing too dear to pay for this +the richest treat of the sense; so that, split up, torn, bleeding, +mangled I was still superiorly pleased, and hugged the author of all +this delicious ruin. But when, soon after, he made his second attack, +sore as every thing was, the smart was soon put away by the sovereign +cordial; all my soft complainings were silenced, and the pain melting +fast away into pleasure. I abandoned myself over to all its transports, +and gave it the full possession of my whole body and soul; for now all +thought was at an end with me; I lived in what I felt only. And who +could describe those feelings, those agitations, yet exalted by the +charm of their novelty and surprise? when that part of me which had so +hungered for the dear morsel that now so delightfully crammed, forced +all my vital sensations to fix their home there, during the stay of my +beloved guest; who too soon paid me for his hearty welcome, in a +dissolvent, richer far than that I have heard of some queen treating +her paramour with, in liquified pearl, and ravishingly poured into me, +where, now myself too much melted to give it a dry reception, I hailed +it with the warmest confluence on my side, amidst all those ecstatic +raptures, not unfamiliar I presume to this good company. Thus, however, +I arrived at the very top of all my wishes, by an accident unexpected +indeed, but not so wonderful; for this young gentleman was just arrived +in town from college, and came familiarly to his mother at her +apartment, where he had once before been, though, by mere chance. I had +not seen him: so that we knew one another by hearing only; and finding +me stretched on his mother’s bed, he readily concluded from her +description, who it was. The rest you know. + +“This affair had however no ruinous consequences, the young gentleman +escaping then, and many more times undiscovered. But the warmth of my +constitution, that made the pleasures of love a kind of necessary of +life to me, having betrayed me into indiscretions fatal to my private +fortune, I fell at length to the public; from which, it is probable, I +might have met with the worst of ruin, if my better fate had not thrown +me into this safe and agreeable refuge.” + +Here Louisa ended; and these little histories having brought the time +for the girls to retire, and to prepare for the revels of the evening, +I staid with Mrs. Cole, till Emily came, and told us the company was +met, and waited for us. + +Mrs. Cole on this, taking me by the hand, with a smile of +encouragement, led me up stairs, preceded by Louisa, who was come to +hasten us, and lighted us with two candles, one in each hand. + +On the landing-place of the first pair of stairs, we were met by a +young gentleman, extremely well dressed, and a very pretty figure, to +whom I was to be indebted for the first essay of the pleasures of the +house. He saluted me with great gallantry, and handed me into the +drawing room, the floor of which was overspread with a Turkey carpet, +and all its furniture voluptuously adapted to every demand of the most +studied luxury; now too it was, by means of a profuse illumination, +enlivened by a light scarce inferior, and perhaps more favourable to +joy, more tenderly pleasing, than that of broad sunshine. + +On my entrance into the room, I had the satisfaction! to hear a buzz of +approbation run through the whole company, which now consisted of four +gentlemen, including my particular (this was the cant term of the house +for one’s gallant for the time), the three young-women, in a neat +flowing dishabille, the mistress of the academy, and myself. I was +welcomed and saluted by a kiss all round, in which, however, it was +easy to discover, in the superior warmth of that of the men, the +distinction of the sexes. + +Awed, and confounded as I was, at seeing myself surrounded, caressed, +and made court to by so many strangers, I could not immediately +familiarize myself to all that air of gaiety and joy, which dictated +their compliments, and animated their caresses. + +They assured me that I was so perfectly to their taste, as to have but +one fault against me, which I might easily be cured of, and that was my +modesty: this, they observed, might pass for a beauty the more with +those who wanted it for a heightener; but their maxim was, that it was +an impertinent mixture, and dashed the cup so as to spoil the sincere +draught of pleasure; they considered it accordingly as their mortal +enemy, and gave it no quarter wherever they met with it. This was a +prologue not unworthy of the revels that ensued. + +In the midst of all the frolic and wantonness, which this joyous band +had presently, and all naturally, run into, an elegant supper was +served in, and we sat down to it, my spark elect placing himself next +to me, and the other couples without order or ceremony. The delicate +cheer and good wine soon banished all reserve; the conversation grew as +lively as could be wished, without taking too loose a turn: these +professors of pleasure knew too well, how to stale impressions of it, +or evaporate the imagination of words, before the time of action. +Kisses however were snatched at times, or where a handkerchief round +the neck interposed its feeble barrier, it was not extremely respected: +the hands of the men went to work with their usual petulance, till the +provocation on both sides rose to such a pitch, that my particulars’s +proposal for beginning the country dances was received with instant +assent: for, as he laughingly added, he fancied the instruments were in +tune. This was a signal for preparation, that the complaisant Mrs. +Cole, who understood life, took for her cue of disappearing; no longer +so fit for personal service herself, and content with having settled +the order of battle, she left us the field, to fight it out at +discretion. + +As soon as she was gone, the table was removed from the middle, and +became a side-board; a couch was brought into its place, of which when +I whisperingly inquired the reason, of my particular, he told me, “that +as it was chiefly on my account that his convention was met, the +parties intended at once to humour their taste of variety in pleasures, +and by an open public enjoyment, to see me broke of any taint of +reserve or modesty, which they looked on as the poison of joy; that +though they occasionally preached pleasure, and lived up to the text, +they did not enthusiastically set up for missionaries, and only +indulged themselves in the delights of a practical instruction of all +the pretty women they liked well enough to bestow it upon, and who fell +properly in the way of it; but that as such a proposal might be too +violent, too shocking for a young beginner, the old standers were to +set an example, which he hoped I would not be averse to follow, since +it was to him I was devolved in favour of the first experiment; but +that still I was perfectly at my liberty to refuse the party, which +being in its nature one of pleasure, supposed an exclusion of all force +or constraint.” + +My countenance expressed, no doubt, my surprise as my silence did my +acquiescence. I was now embarked, and thoroughly determined on any +voyage the company would take me on. + +The first that stood up, to open the ball, were a cornet of horse, and +that sweetest of olive-beauties, the soft and amorous Louisa. He led +her to the couch (nothing loth), on which he gave her the fall, and +extended her at length with an air of roughness and vigour, relishing +high of amorous eagerness and impatience. The girl, spreading herself +to the best advantage, with her head upon the pillow, was so +concentered in that she was about, that our presence was the least of +her care and concern. Her petticoats, thrown up with her shift, +discovered to the company the finest turned legs and thighs that could +be imagined, and in broad display, that gave us a full view of that +delicious cleft of flesh, into which the pleasing hair, grown mount +over it, parted and presented a most inviting entrance, between two +close hedges, delicately soft and pouting. Her gallant was now ready, +having disencumbered himself from his clothes, overloaded with lace, +and presently, his shirt removed, shewed us his forces at high plight, +bandied and ready for action. But giving us no time to consider the +dimensions, he threw himself instantly over his charming antagonist who +received him as he pushed at once dead at mark, like a heroine, without +flinching; for surely never was girl constitutionally truer to the +taste of joy, or sincerer in the expressions of its sensations, than +she was: we could observe pleasure lighten in her eyes, as he +introduced his plenipotentiary instrument into her; till, at length, +having indulged her to its utmost reach, its irritations grew so +violent, and gave her the spurs so furiously, that collected within +herself, and lost to every thing but the enjoyment of her favourite +feelings, she retarded his thrusts with a just concert of spring +heaves, keeping time so exactly with the most pathetic sighs, that one +might have numbered the strokes in agitation by their distinct murmurs, +whilst her active limbs kept wreathing and intertwisting with his, in +convulsive folds: then the turtle-billing kisses, and the poignant +painless lovebites, which they both exchanged, in a rage of delight, +all conspiring towards the melting period. It soon came on, when +Louisa, in the ravings of her pleasure-frensy, impotent of all +restraint, cried out: “Oh Sir!... Good Sir! pray do not spare me! ah! +ah!...” All her accents now faultering into heart-fetched sighs, she +closed her eyes in the sweet death, in the instant of which we could +easily see the signs in the quiet, dying, languid posture of her late +so furious driver, who was stopped of a sudden, breathing short, +panting, and, for that time, giving up the spirit of pleasure. As soon +as he was dismounted, Louisa sprung up, shook her petticoats, and +running up to me, gave me a kiss, and drew me to the side-board, to +which she was herself handed by her gallant, where they made me pledge +them in a glass of wine, and toast a droll health of Louisa’s proposal +in high frolic. + +By this time the second couple was ready to enter the lists: which were +a young baronet, and that delicatest of charmers, the winning, tender +Harriet. My gentle esquire came to acquaint me with it, and brought me +back to the scene of action. + +And, surely, never did one of her profession accompany her +dispositions, for the barefaced part she was engaged to play, with such +a peculiar grace of sweetness, modesty and yielding coyness, as she +did. All her air and motions breathed only unreserved, unlimited +complaisance without the least mixture of impudence, or prostitution. +But what was yet more surprising, her spark elect, in the midst of the +dissolution of a public open enjoyment, doated on her to distraction, +and had, by dint of love and sentiments, touched her heart, though for +a while the restraint of their engagement to the house laid him under a +kind of necessity of complying with an institution which himself had +had the greatest share establishing. + +Harriet was then led to the vacant couch by her gallant, blushing as +she looked at me, and with eyes made to justify any thing, tenderly +bespeaking of me the most favourable construction of the step she was +thus irresistibly drawn into. + +Her lover, for such he was, sat her down at the foot of the couch, and +passing his arm round her neck, preluded with a kiss fervently applied +to her lips, that visibly gave her life and spirit to go through with +the scene; and as he kissed, he gently inclined her head, till it fell +back on a pillow disposed to receive it, and leaning himself down all +the way with her, at once countenanced and endeared her fall to her. +There, as if he had guessed our wishes, or meant to gratify at once his +pleasure and his pride, in being the master, by the title of present +possession, of beauties delicate beyond imagination, he discovered her +breast to his own touch, and our common view; but oh! what delicious +manual of love devotion; how inimitable fine moulded! small, round, +firm, and excellently white; then the grain of their skin, so soothing, +so flattering to the touch! and of beauty. When he had feasted his eyes +with the their nipples, that crowned them, the sweetest buds touch and +perusal, feasted his lips with kisses of the highest relish, imprinted +on those all delicious twin-orbs, he proceeded downwards. + +Her legs still kept the ground; and now, with the tenderest attention +not to shock or alarm her too suddenly, he, by degrees, rather stole +than rolled up her petticoats; at which, as if a signal had been given, +Louisa and Emily took hold of her legs, in pure wantonness, and, in +ease to her, kept them stretched wide abroad. Then lay exposed, or, to +speak more properly, displayed the greatest parade in nature of female +charms. The whole company, who, except myself, had often seen them, +seemed as much dazzled, surprised and delighted, as any one could be +who had now beheld them for the first time. Beauties so excessive could +not but enjoy the privileges of eternal novelty. Her thighs were so +exquisitely fashioned, that either more in, or more out of flesh than +they were, they would have declined from that point of perfection they +presented. But what infinitely enriched and adorned them, was the sweet +intersection formed, where they met, at the bottom of the smoothest, +roundest, whitest belly, by that central furrow which nature had sunk +there, between the soft relievo of two pouting ridges, and which, in +this girl, was in perfect symmetry of delicacy and miniature with the +rest of her frame. No! nothing in nature could be of a beautifuller +cut; then, the dark umbrage of the downy spring moss that over-arched +it, bestowed, on the luxury of the landscape, a touching warmth, a +tender finishing, beyond the expression of words, or even the paint of +thought. + +Her truly enamoured gallant, who had stood absorbed and engrossed by +the pleasure of the sight long enough to afford us time to feast ours +(no fear of glutting!) addressed himself at length to the materials of +enjoyment, and lifting the linen veil that hung between us and his +master member of the revels, exhibited one whose eminent size +proclaimed the owner a true woman’s hero. He was, besides in every +other respect, an accomplished gentleman, and in the bloom and vigour +of youth. Standing then between Harriet’s legs, which were supported by +her two companions at their widest extension, with one hand he gently +disclosed the lips of that luscious mouth of nature, whilst with the +other, he stooped his mighty machine to its lure, from the height of +his stiff stand-up towards his belly; the lips, kept open by his +fingers, received its broad shelving head of coral hue: and when he had +nestled it in, he hovered there a little, and the girls then delivered +over to his hips the agreeable office of supporting her thighs; and +now, as if he meant to spin out his pleasure, and give it the more play +for its life, he passed up his instrument so slow that we lost sight of +it inch by inch, till at length it was wholly taken into the soft +laboratory of love, and the mossy mounts of each fairly met together. +In the mean time, we could plainly mark the prodigious effect the +progressions of this delightful energy wrought in this delicious girl, +gradually heightening her beauty as they heightened her pleasure. Her +countenance and whole frame grew more animated; the faint blush of her +cheeks, gaining ground on the white, deepened into a florid vivid +vermillion glow, her naturally brilliant eyes now sparkled with +ten-fold lustre; her languor was vanished, and she appeared quick, +spirited and alive all over. He had now fixed, nailed, this tender +creature, with his home-driven wedge, so that she lay passive by force, +and unable to stir, till beginning to play a strain of arms against +this vein of delicacy, as he urged the to-and-fro con-friction, he +awakened, roused, and touched her so to the heart, that unable to +contain herself, she could not but reply to his motions, as briskly as +her nicety of frame would admit of, till the raging stings of the +pleasure rising towards the point, made her wild with the intolerable +sensations of it, and she now threw her legs and arms about at random, +as she lay lost in the sweet transport; which on his side declared +itself by quicker, eager thrusts, convulsive gasps, burning sighs, +swift laborious breathing, eyes darting humid fires: all faithful +tokens of the imminent approaches of the last gasp of joy. It came on +at length: the baronet led the extasy, which she critically joined in, +as she felt the melting symptoms from him, in the nick of which, gluing +more ardently than ever his lips to hers, he shewed all the signs of +that agony of bliss being strong upon him, in which he gave her the +finishing titillation; inly thrilled with which, we saw plainly that +she answered it down with all effusion of spirit and matter she was +mistress of, whilst a general soft shudder ran through all her limbs, +which she gave a stretch out, and lay motionless, breathless, dying +with dear delight; and in the height of its expression, showing, +through the nearly closed lids of her eyes, just the edges of their +black, the rest being rolled strongly upwards in their extasy; then her +sweet mouth appeared languishingly open, with the tip of her tongue +leaning negligently towards the lower range of her white teeth, whilst +natural ruby colour of her lips glowed with heightened life. Was not +this a subject to dwell upon? And accordingly her lover still kept on +her, with an abiding delectation, till compressed, squeezed and +distilled to the last drop, he took leave with one fervent kiss, +expressing satisfied desires, but unextinguished love. + +As soon as he was off, I ran to her, and sitting down on the couch by +her, rais’d her head, which she declined gently, and hung on my bosom, +to hide her blushes and confusion at what had passed, till by degrees +she re-composed herself, and accepted of a restorative glass of wine +from my spark, who had left me to fetch it to her, whilst her own was +readjusting his affaire and buttoning up; after which he led her, +leaning languishingly upon him, to oar stand of view round the couch. + +And now Emily’s partner had taken her out for her share in the dance, +when this transcendently fair and sweet tempered creature readily stood +up; and if a complexion to put the rose and lily out of countenance, +extreme pretty features, and that florid health and bloom for which the +country girls are so lovely, might pass her for a beauty, this she +certainly was, and one of the most striking of the fair ones. + +Her gallant began first, as she stood, to disengage, her breasts, and +restore them to the liberty of nature, from the easy confinement of no +more than a pair of jumps; but on their coming out to view, we thought +a new light was added to the room, so superiourly shining was their +whiteness; then they rose in so happy a swell as to compose her a well +horned fullness of bosom, that had such an effect on the eye as to seem +flash hardened into marble, of which it emulated the polished gloss, +and far surpassed even the whitest, in the life and lustre of its +colours, white weined with blue. Who could refrain from such provoking +enticements in reach? he touched her breasts, first lightly, when the +glossy smoothness of the skin eluded his hand, and made it slip along +the surface; he pressed them, and the springy flesh that filled them, +thus pitted by force, rose again reboundingly with his hand, and on the +instant defaced the pressure: and alike indeed was the consistence of +all those parts of her body throughout, where the fulness of flesh +compacts and constitutes all that fine firmness which the touch is so +highly attached to. When he had thus largely pleased himself with this +branch of dalliance and delight, he trussed up her petticoat and shift, +in a wisp to her waist, where being tucked in, she stood fairly naked +on every side; a blush at this overspread her lovely face, and her eyes +downcast to the ground, seemed to be for quarter, when she had so great +a right to triumph in all the treasures of youth and beauty that she +now so victoriously displayed. Her legs were perfectly well shaped and +her thighs, which she kept pretty close, shewed so white, so round, so +substantial and abounding in firm flesh, that nothing could afford a +stronger recommendation to the luxury of the touch, which he +accordingly did not fail to indulge in. Then gently removing her hand, +which in the first emotion of natural modesty, she had carried thither, +he gave us rather a glimpse than a view of that soft narrow chink +running its little length downwards, and hiding the remains of it +between her thighs; but plain was to be seen the fringe of light-brown +curls, in beauteous growth over it, that with their silk gloss created +a pleasing variety from the surrounding white, whose lustre too, their +gentle embrowning shade, considerably raised. Her spark then +endeavoured, as she stood, by disclosing her thighs, to gain us a +completer sight of that central charm of attraction, but not obtaining +it so conveniently in that attitude, he led her to the foot of the +couch, and bringing it to one of the pillows gently inclined her head +down, so that as she leaned with it over her crossed hands, straddling +with her thighs wide spread, and jutting her body out, she presented a +full back view of her person, naked to her waist. Her posteriors, +plump, smooth, and prominent, formed luxuriant tracts of animated snow, +that splendidly filled the eye, till it was commanded down the parting +or separation of those exquisitely white cliffs, by their narrow vale, +and was there stopt, and attracted by the embowered bottom-savity, that +terminated this delightful vista and stood moderately gaping from the +influence of her bended posture, so that the agreeable interior red of +the sides of the orifice came into view, and with respect to the white +that dazzled round it, gave somewhat the idea of a pink slash in the +glossiest white satin. Her gallant, who was a gentleman about thirty, +somewhat inclined to a fatness that was in no sort displeasing, +improving the hint thus tendered him of this mode of enjoyment, after +setting her well in this posture, and encouraging her with kisses and +caresses to stand him thro’, drew out his affair ready erected, and +whose extreme length, rather disproportioned to its breadth, was the +more surprising, as that excess is not often the case with those of his +corpulent habit; making then the right and direct application, he drove +it up to the guard, whilst the round bulge of those Turkish beauties of +her’s, tallying with the hollow made with the bent of his belly and +thighs, as he curved inwards, brought all those parts, surely not +un-delightfully, into warm touch, and close conjunction; his hands he +kept passing round her body, and employed in toying with her enchanting +breasts. As soon too as she felt him at home as he could reach, she +lifted her head a little from the pillow, and turning her neck, without +much straining, but her cheeks glowing with the deepest scarlet, and a +smile of the tenderest satisfaction, met the kiss he pressed forward to +give her as they were thus close joined together: when leaving him to +pursue his delights, she hid again her face and blushes with her hands +and pillow, and thus stood passively and as favourably too as she +could, whilst he kept laying at her with repeated thrusts and making +the meeting flesh on both sides resound again with the violence of +them; then ever as he backened from her, we could see between them part +of his long white staff foamingly in motion, till, as he went on again +and closed with her, the interposing hillocks took it out of sight. +Sometimes he took his hands from the semi-globes of her bosom, and +transferred the pressure of them to those large ones, the present +subjects of his soft blockade, which he squeezed, grasped and played +with, till at length in pursuit of driving, so hotly urged, brought on +the height of the fit, with such overpowering pleasure, that his fair +partner became now necessary to support him, panting, fainting and +dying as he discharged; which she no sooner felt the killing sweetness +of, than unable to keep her legs, and yielding to the mighty +intoxication, she reeld, and falling forward on the couch, made it a +necessity for him, if he would preserve the warm-pleasure hold, to fall +upon her, where they perfected, in a continued conjunction of body and +ecstatic flow, their scheme of joys for that time. + +As soon as he had disengaged, the charming Emily got up, and we crowded +round her with congratulations and other officious little services; for +it is to be noted, that though all modesty and reserve were banished +from the transaction of these pleasures, good manners and politeness +were inviolably observed: there was no gross ribaldry, no offensive or +rude behaviour, or ungenerous reproaches to the girls for their +compliance with the humours and desires of the men. On the contrary, +nothing was wanting to soothe, encourage, and soften the sense of their +condition to them. Men know not in general how much they destroy of +their own pleasure, when they break through the respect and tenderness +due to our sex, and even to those of it who live only by pleasing them. +And this was a maxim perfectly well understood by these polite +voluptuaries, these profound adepts in the great art and science of +pleasure, who never shewed these votaries of theirs a more tender +respect than at the time of those exercises of their complaisance, when +they unlocked their treasures of concealed beauty, and shewed out in +the pride of their native charms, ever more touching surely than when +they parade it in the artificial ones of dress and ornament. + +The frolic was now come round to me, and it being my turn of +subscription to the will and pleasure of my particular elect, as well +as to that of the company, he came to me, and saluting me very +tenderly, with a flattering eagerness, put me in mind of the +compliances my presence there authorized the hopes of, and at the same +time repeated to me, “that if all this force of example had not +surmounted any repugnance I might have to concur with the humours and +desires of the company, that though the play was bespoke for my +benefit, and great as his own private disappointment might be, he would +suffer any thing, sooner than be the instrument of imposing a +disagreeable task.” + +To this I answered, without the least hesitation, or mincing grimace, +“that had I not even contracted a kind of engagement to be at his +disposal without the least reserve, the example of such agreeable +companions would alone determine me, and that I was in no pain about +any thing but my appearing to so great a disadvantage after such +superior beauties.” And take notice that I thought, as I spoke. The +frankness of the answer pleased them all; my particular was +complimented on his acquisition, and, by way of indirect flattery to +me, openly envied me. + +Mrs. Cole, by the way, could not have given me a greater mark of her +regard than in managing for me the choice of this young gentleman for +my master of the ceremonies: for, independent of his noble birth and +the great fortune he was heir to, his person was even uncommonly +pleasing, well shaped and tall; his face marked with the small-pox, but +no more than what added a grace of more manliness to features rather +turned to softness and delicacy, was marvellously enlivened by eyes +which were of the clearest sparkling black; in short he was one whom +any woman would, in the familiar style, ready call a very pretty +fellow. + +I was now handed by him to the cockpit of our match, where, as I was +dressed in nothing but a white morning gown, he vouchsafed to play the +male Abigail on this occasion, and spared me the confusion that would +have attended the forwardness of undressing myself: my gown then was +loosen’d in a trice, and I divested of it; my stays next offered an +obstacle which readily gave way, Louisa very readily furnished a pair +of scissors to cut the lace; off went that shell and dropping my +uppercoat, I was reduced to my under one and my shift, the open bosom +of which gave the hands and eyes all the liberty they could wish. Here +I imagined the stripping was to stop, but I reckon short; my spark, at +the desire of the rest, tenderly begged, that I would not suffer the +small remains of a covering to rob them of a full view of my whole +person; and for me, who was too flexibly obsequious to dispute any +point with them, and who considered the little more that remained as +very immaterial, I readily assented to whatever he pleased-In an +instant, then, my under petticoat was untied and at my feet, and my +shift drawn over my head, so that my cap, slightly fastened, came off +with it, and brought all my hair down (of which, be it again remembered +without vanity, that I had a very fine head) in loose disorderly +ringlets, over my neck and shoulders, to the no unfavourable set-off of +my skin. + +I now stood before my judges in all the truth of nature, to whom I +could not appear a very disagreeable figure, if you please to recollect +what I have beforesaid of my person, which time, that at certain +periods of life robs use every instant of our charms, had, at that of +mine, then greatly improved into full and open, bloom, for I wanted +some months of eighteen. My breasts, which in the state of nudity are +ever capital points, now in no more than in graceful plenitude, +maintained a firmness and steady independence of any stay or support, +that dared and invited the test of the touch. Then I was as tall, as +slim-shaped as could be consistent with all that juicy plumpness of +flesh, ever the most grateful to the senses of sight and touch, which I +owed to the health and youth of my constitution. I had not, however, so +thoroughly renounced all innate shame, as not to suffer great confusion +at the state I saw myself in; but the whole troop round me, men and +women, relieved me with every mark of applause and satisfaction, even +flattering attention to raise and inspire me with even sentiments of +pride on the figure I made, which my friend gallantly protested, +infinitely outshone all other birthday finery whatever; so that had I +leave to set down, for sincere, all the compliments these connoisseurs +overwhelmed me with upon this occasion, I might flatter myself with +having passed my examination with the approbation of the learned. + +My friend, however, who for this time had alone the disposal of me, +humoured their curiosity, and perhaps his own, so far, that he placed +me in all the variety of postures and lights imaginable, pointing out +every beauty under every aspect of it, not without such parentheses, of +kisses, such inflammatory liberties of his roving hands, as made all +shame fly before them, and a blushing glow give place to a warmer one +of desire, which led me even to find some relish in the present scene. + +But in this general survey, you may be sure, the most material spot of +me was not excused the strictest visitation; nor was it but agreed, +that I had not the least reason to be diffident of passing even for a +maid, on occasion; so inconsiderable a flaw had my preceding adventures +created there, and so soon had the blemish of an over-stretch been +repaired and worn out at any age, and in my naturally small make in +that part. + +Now, whether my partner had exhausted all the modes of regaling the +touch or sight, or whether he was now ungovernably wound up to strike, +I know not; but briskly throwing off his clothes, the prodigious heat +bred by a close room, a great fire, numerous candles, and even the +inflammatory warmth of these scenes, induced him to lay aside his shirt +too, when his breeches, before loosened, now gave up their contents to +view, and shew’d in front the enemy I had to engage with, stiffly +bearing up the port of its head unhooded, and glowing red. Then I +plainly saw what I had to trust to: it was one of those just true-sized +instruments, of which the masters have a better command than the more +unwieldy, inordinate sized one are generally under. Straining me then +close to his bosom, as he stood up foreright against me, and applying +to the obvious niche its peculiar idol, he aimed at inserting it, +which, as I forwardly favoured, he effected at once, by canting up my +thighs over his naked hips, and made me receive every inch, and close +home; so-that stuck upon the pleasure-pivot, add clinging round his +neck, in which and in his hair I hid my face, burn-ingly flushing with +present feeling as much as with shame, my bosom glued to him; he +carried me once round the couch, on which he then, without quitting the +middle-fastness, or dischannelling, laid me down, and began with +pleasure-grist. But so provokingly predisposed and primed as we were, +by all the moving sights of the night, our imagination was too much +heated not to melt us of the soonest; and accordingly I no sooner felt +the warm spray darted up my inwards from him, but I was punctually on +flow, to share the momentary extasy; but I had yet greater reason to +boast of our harmony: for finding that all the flames of desire were +not yet quenched within me, but that rather, like wetted coals, I +glowed the fiercer for this sprinkling, my hot-mettled spark, +sympathizing with me, and loaded for a double fire, recontinued the +sweet battery with undying vigour; greatly encouraged to accommodate +all my motions to his best advantage and delight; kisses, squeezes, +tender murmurs, all came into play, till our joys growing more +turbulent and riotous, threw us into a fond disorder, and as they raged +to a point, bore us far from our selves into an ocean of boundless +pleasures, into which we both plunged together in a transport of taste. +Now all the impressions of burning desire, from the lively scenes I had +been spectatress of, ripened the heat of this exercise, and collecting +to a head, throbbed and agitated me with insupportable irritations: I +perfectly fevered and maddened with their excess. I bid not now enjoy a +calm of reason enough to perceive, but I ecstatically, indeed, felt the +power of such rare and exquisite provocatives, as the examples of the +night had proved towards thus exalting our pleasures: which, with great +joy, I sensibly found my gallant shared in, by his nervous and home +expressions of it: his eyes flashing eloquent flames, his action +infuriated with the stings of it, all conspiring to raise my delight, +by assuring me of his. Lifted then to the utmost pitch of joy that +human life can bear, undestroyed by excess, I touched that sweetly +critical point, whence scarce prevented by the injection from my +partner, I dissolved, and breaking out into a deep drawn sigh, sent my +whole sensitive soul down to that passage where escape was denied it, +by its being so deliciously plugged and choked up. Thus we lay a few +blissful instants, overpowered, still, and languid; till, as the sense +of pleasure stagnated, we recovered from our trance, and he slipt out +of me, not however before he had protested his extreme satisfaction by +the tenderest kiss and embrace, as well as by the most cordial +expressions. + +The company, who had stood round us in a profound silence, when all was +over, helped me to hurry on my clothes in an instant, and complimented +me on the sincere homage they could not escape observing had been done +as they termed it—to the sovereignty of my charms, in my receiving a +double payment of tribute at one juncture. But my partner, now dressed +again, signalized, above all, a fondness unbated by the circumstance of +recent enjoyment; the girls too kissed and embraced me, assuring me +that for that time, or indeed any other, unless I pleased, I was to go +through no farther public trials, and that I was now consummatedly +initiated, and one of them. + +As it was an inviolable law for every gallant to keep to his partner, +for the night especially, and even till he relinquished possession over +to the community, in order to preserve a pleasing property, and to +avoid the disgusts and indelicacy of another arrangement, the company, +after a short refection of biscuits and wine, tea and chocolate, served +in at now about one in the morning, broke up, and went off in pairs. +Mrs. Cole had prepared my spark and me an occasion field-bed, to which +we retired, and there ended the night in one continued strain of +pleasure, sprightly and uncloyed enough for us not to have formed one +wish for its ever knowing an end. In the morning, after a restorative +breakfast in bed, he got up, and with very tender assurance of a +particular regard for me, left me to the composure and refreshment of a +sweet slumber; waking out of which, and getting up to dress before Mrs. +Cole should come in, I found in one of my pockets a purse of guineas, +which he had slipt there; and just as I was musing on a liberality I +had certainly not expected, Mrs. Cole came in, to whom I immediately +communicated the present, and naturally offered her whatever share she +pleased: but assuring me that the gentleman had very nobly rewarded +her, she would on no terms, no entreaties, no shape I could put it in, +receive any part of it. Her denial, she observed, was no affectation of +grimace, and proceeded to read me such admirable lessons on the economy +of my person and my purse, as I became amply paid for my general +attention and conformity to in the course of my acquaintance with the +town. After which, changing the discourse, she fell on the pleasures of +the preceding night, where I learned, without much surprise, as I began +to enter on her character, that she had seen every thing that had +passed, from a convenient place managed solely for that purpose, and of +which she readily made me the confidante. + +She had scarce finished this, when the little troop of love girls, my +companions, broke in, and renewed their compliments and caresses. I +observed with pleasure, that the fatigues and exercises of the night +had not usurped in the least on the life of their complexion, or the +freshness of their bloom: this I found, by their confession, was owing +to the management and advice of our rare directress. They went down +then to figure it, as usual, in the shop; whilst I repaired to my +lodging, where I employed myself till I returned to dinner at Mrs. +Cole’s. + +Here I staid in constant amusement, with one or other of these charming +girls, till about five in the evening; when seized with a sudden drowsy +fit, I was prevailed on to go up and doze it off on Harriet’s bed, who +left me on it to my repose. There then I laid down in my clothes, and +fell fast asleep, and had now enjoyed, by guess, about an hour’s rest, +when I was pleasingly disturbed by my new and favourite gallant, who, +enquiring for me, was readily directed where to find me. Coming then +into my chamber, and seeing me lie alone, with my face turned from the +light towards the inside of the bed, he, without more ado, just slipped +off his breeches, for the greater ease and enjoyment of the naked +touch; and softly turning up my petticoats and shift behind, opened the +prospect of the back avenue to the genial seat of pleasure; where, as I +lay at my side length, inclining rather face downward, I appeared full +fair, and liable to be entered. Laying himself gently down by me, he +invested me behind, and giving me to feel the warmth of his body, as he +applied his thighs and belly close to me, and the endeavours of that +machine, whose touch has something so exquisitely singular in it, to +make its way good into me. I awaked pretty much startled at first, at +seeing who it was, disposed myself to turn to him, when he gave me a +kiss, and desiring me to keep my posture, just lifted up my upper +thigh, and ascertaining the right opening, soon drove it up to the +farthest: satisfied with which, and solacing himself with lying so +close in those parts, he suspended motion, and thus steeped in +pleasure, kept me lying on my side, into him, spoon-fashion, as he +termed it, from the snug indent of the back part of my thighs, and all +upwards, into the space of the bending between his thighs and belly; +till, after some time, that restless and turbulent inmate, impatient by +nature of longer quiet, urged him to action, which now prosecuting with +all the usual train of toying, kissing, and the like, ended at length +in the liquid proof on both sides, that we had not exhausted, or at +less were quickly recruited of last night’s draughts of pleasure in us. + +With this noble and agreeable youth lived I in perfect joy and +constancy. He was full bent on keeping me to himself, for the +honey-month at least; but his stay in London was not even so long, his +father, who had a post in Ireland, taking him abruptly with him, on his +repairing thither. Yet even then I was near keeping hold of his +affection and person, as he had proposed, and I had consented to follow +him in order to go to Ireland after him, as soon as he could be settled +there; but meeting with an agreeable and advantageous match in that +kingdom, he chose the wiser part, and forebore sending for me, but at +the same time took care that I should receive a very magnificent +present, which did not however compensate for all my deep regret on my +loss of him. + +This event also created a chasm in our little society, which Mrs. Cole, +on the foot of her usual caution, was in no haste to fill up; but then +it redoubled her attention to procure me, in the advantages of a +traffic for a counterfeit maidenhead, some consolation for the sort of +widowhood I had been left in; and this was a scheme she had never lost +prospect of, and only waited for a proper person to bring it to bear +with. + +But I was, it seems, fated to be my own caterer in this, as I had been +in my first trial of the market. + +I had now passed near a month in the enjoyment of all the pleasures of +familiarity and society with my companions, whose particular favourites +(the baronet excepted, who soon after took Harriet home) had all, on +the terms of community established in the house, solicited the +gratification of their taste for variety in my embraces; but I had with +the utmost art and address, on various pretexts, eluded their pursuit, +without giving them cause to complain; and this reserve I used neither +out of dislike of them, nor disgust of the thing, but my true reason +was my attachment to my own, and my tenderness of invading the choice +of my companions, who outwardly exempt, as they seemed, from jealousy, +could not but in secret like me the better for the regard I had for, +without making a merit of it to them. Thus easy, and beloved by the +whole family, did I get on; when one day, that, about five in the +afternoon, I stepped over to a fruit shop in Covent Garden, to pick +some table fruit for myself and the young women, I met with the +following adventure. + +Whilst I was chaffering for the fruit I wanted, I observed myself +followed by a young gentleman, whose rich dress first attracted my +notice; for the rest, he had nothing remarkable in his person, except +that he was pale, thin-made, and ventured himself upon legs rather of +the slenderest. Easy was it to perceive, without seeming to perceive +it, that it was me he wanted to be at; and keeping his eyes fixed on +me, till he came to the same basket that I stood at, and cheapening, or +rather giving the first price asked for the fruit, began his +approaches. Now most certainly I was not at all out of figure to pass +for a modest girl. I had neither the feathers, nor fumet of a taudry +town-miss: a straw hat, a white gown, clean linen, and above all, a +certain natural and easy air of modesty (which the appearances of never +forsook me, even on those occasions that I most broke in upon it, in +practice) were all signs that gave him no opening to conjecture my +condition. He spoke to me; and this address from a stranger throwing a +blush into my cheeks, that still set him wider of the truth, I answered +him, with an awkwardness and confusion the more apt to impose, as there +really was a mixture of the genuine in them. But when proceeding, on +the foot of having broken the ice, to join discourse, he went into +other leading questions, I put so much innocence, simplicity, and even +childishness, into my answers, that on no better foundation, liking my +person as he did, I will not answer for it, he would have been sworn +for my modesty. There is, in short, in the men, when once they are +caught, by the eye especially, a fund of cullibility that their lordly +wisdom little dreams of, and in virtue of which the most sagacious of +them are seen so often our dupes. Amongst other queries he put to me, +one was, whether I was married? I replied, that I was too young to +think of that this many a year. To that of my age, I answered, and sunk +a year upon him, passing myself for not above seventeen. As to my way +of life, I told him I had served an apprenticeship to a milliner in +Preston, and was come to town after a relation, that I had found, on my +arrival, was dead, and now lived journey-woman to a milliner in town. +That last article, indeed, was not much of the side of what I pretended +to pass for; but it did pass, under favour of the growing passion I had +inspired him with. After he had next got out of me, very dexterously as +he thought, what I had no sort of design to make reserve of, my own, my +mistress’s name, and place of abode, he loaded me with fruit, all the +rarest and dearest he could pick out and sent me home, pondering on +what might be the consequence of this adventure. + +As soon then as I came to Mrs. Cole’s, I related to her all that +passed, on which she very judiciously concluded, that if he did not +come after me there was no harm done, and that, if he did, as her +presage suggested to her he would, his character and his views should +be well sifted, so as to know whether the game was worth the springes; +that in the mean time nothing was easier than my part in it, since no +more rested on me than to follow her cue and promptership throughout, +till the last act. + +The next morning, after an evening spent on his side, as we afterwards +learnt, in perquisitions into Mrs. Cole’s character in the +neighbourhood (than which nothing could be more favourable to her +designs upon him), my gentleman came in his chariot to the shop, where +Mrs. Cole alone had an inkling of his errand. Asking then for her, he +easily made a beginning of acquaintance by bespeaking some millinery +ware; when, as I sat without lifting my eyes, and pursuing the hem of a +ruffle with the utmost composure and simplicity of industry, Mrs. Cole +took notice, that the first impressions I made on him ran no risk of +being destroyed by those of Louisa and Emily, who were then sitting at +work by me. After vainly endeavouring to catch my eyes in rencounter +with him (I held my head down, affecting a kind of consciousness of +guilt for having, by speaking to him given him encouragement and means +of following me), and after giving Mrs. Cole direction when to bring +the things home herself, and the time he should expect them, he went +out, taking with him some goods, that he paid for liberally, for the +better grace of his introduction. + +The girls all this time did not in the least smoak the mystery of this +new customer; but Mrs. Cole, as soon as we were conveniently alone, +insured me, in virtue of her long experience in these matters, “that +for this bout my charms had not missed fire; for by his eagerness, his +manner and looks, she was sure he had it: the only point now in doubt +was his character and circumstances, which her knowledge of the town +would soon gain her the sufficient acquaintance with, to take measure +upon.” + +And effectively, in a few hours, her intelligence served her so well, +that she learned that this conquest of mine was no other than Mr. +Norbert, a gentleman originally of great fortune, which, with a +constitution naturally not the best, he had vastly impaired by his +over-violent pursuit of the vices of the town; in the course of which, +having worn out and staled all the more common modes of debauchery, he +had fallen into a taste of maiden-hunting; in which chase he had ruined +a number of girls, sparing no expense to compass his ends, and +generally using them well till tired, or cooled by enjoying, or +springing a new face, he could with more ease disembarrass himself of +the old ones, and resign them to their fate, as his sphere of +achievements of that sort lay only amongst such as he could proceed +with by way of bargain and sale. + +Concluding from these premises, Mrs. Cole observed, that a character of +this sort was ever a lawful prize; that the sin would be, not to make +the best of our market of him; and that she thought such a girl as I +only too good for him at any rate, and on any terms. + +She went then, at the hour appointed, to his lodgings in one of our +inns of court, which were furnished in a taste of grandeur that had a +special eye to all the conveniences of luxury and pleasure. Here she +found him in ready waiting; and after finishing her business of +pretence, and a long conduit of discussions concerning her trade, which +she said was very bad, the qualities of her servants, apprentices, +journey-women, the discourse naturally landed at length on me, when +Mrs. Cole, acting admirably the good old prating gossip, who lets every +thing escape her when her tongue is set in motion, cooked him up a +story so plausible of me, throwing in every now and then such strokes +of art, with all the simplest air of nature, in praise of my person and +temper, as finished him finely for her purpose, whilst nothing could be +better counterfeited than her innocence of his. But when now fired and +on edge, he proceeded to drop hints of his design and views upon me, +after he had with much confusion and pains brought her to the point +(she kept as long aloof from it as she thought proper) of understanding +him, without now affecting to pass for a dragoness of virtue, by flying +out into those violent and ever suspicious passions, she stuck with the +better grace and effect to the character of a plain, good sort of +woman, that knew no harm, and that getting her bread in an honest way, +was made of stuff easy and flexible enough to be wrought to his ends, +by his superior skill and address; but, however, she managed so +artfully that three or four meetings took place, before he could obtain +the least favourable hope of her assistance; without which, he had, by +a number of fruitless messages, letters, and other direct trials of my +disposition, convinced himself there was no coming at me, all which too +raised at once my character and price with him. + +Regardful, however, of not carrying these difficulties to such a length +as might afford time for starting discoveries, or incidents, +unfavourable to her plan, she at last pretended to be won over by mere +dint of entreaties, promises, and, above all, by the dazzling sum she +took care to wind him up to the specification of, when it was now even +a piece of art to feign, at once, a yielding to the allurements of a +great interest, as a pretext for her yielding at all, and the manner of +it such as might persuade him she had never dipped her virtuous fingers +in an affair of that sort. + +Thus she led him through all the gradations of difficulty, and +obstacles, necessary to enhance the value of the prize he aimed at; and +in conclusion, he was so struck with the little beauty I was mistress +of, and so eagerly bent on gaining his ends of me, that he left her no +room to boast of her management in bringing him up to her mark, he +drove so plump of himself into every thing tending to make him swallow +the bait. Not but, in other respects, Mr. Norbert was not clear sighted +enough, or that he did not perfectly know the town, and even by +experience, the very branch of imposition now in practice upon him: but +we had his passion our friend so much, he was so blinded and hurried on +by it, that he would have thought any undeception a very ill office +done to his pleasure. Thus concurring, even precipitately, to the point +she wanted him at, Mrs. Cole brought him at last to hug himself on the +cheap bargain he considered the purchase of my imaginary jewel was to +him, at no more than three hundred guineas to myself, and a hundred to +the brokers: being a slender recompense for all her pains, and all the +scruples of conscience she had now sacrificed to him for this first +time of her life; which sums were to be paid down on the nail, upon +delivery of my person, exclusive of some no inconsiderable presents +that had been made in the course of the negociation: during which I had +occasionally, but sparingly been introduced into his company, at proper +times and hours; in which it is incredible how little it seemed +necessary to strain my natural disposition to modesty higher, in order +to pass it upon him for that a very maid: all my looks and gestures +ever breathing nothing but that innocence which the men so ardently +require in us, for no other end than to feast themselves with the +pleasure of destroying it, and which they are so grievously, with all +their skill, subject to mistakes in. + +When the articles of the treaty had been fully agreed on, the +stipulated payments duly secured, and nothing now remained but the +execution of the main point, which centered in the surrender of my +person up to his free disposal and use, Mrs. Cole managed her +objections, especially to his lodgings, and insinuations so nicely, +that it became his own mere notion and urgent request, that this copy +of a wedding should be finished at her house: “At first, indeed, she +did not care, not she, to have such doings in it... she would not for a +thousand pounds have any of the servants or apprentices know it... her +precious good name would be gone for ever...,” with the like excuses. +However, on superior objections to all other expedients, whilst she +took care to start none but those which were most liable to them it +came round at last to the necessity of her obliging him in that +conveniency, and of doing a little more where she had already done so +much. + +The night then was fixed, with all possible respect to the eagerness of +his impatience, and in the mean time Mrs. Cole had omitted no +instructions, nor even neglected any preparation, that might enable me +to come off with honour, in regard to the appearance of my virginity, +except that, favoured as I was by nature with all the narrowness of +stricture in that part requisite to conduct my designs, I had no +occasion to borrow those auxiliaries of art that create a momentary +one, easily discovered by the test of a warm bath; and as to the usual +sanguinary symptoms of defloration, which, if not always, are generally +attendants on it, Mrs. Cole had made me the mistress of an invention of +her own, which could hardly miss its effect, and of which more in its +place. + +Every thing then being disposed and fixed for Mr. Norbert’s reception, +he was, at the hour of eleven at night, with all the mysteries of +silence and secrecy, let in by Mrs. Cole herself, and introduced into +her bedchamber, where, in an old-fashioned bed of her’s, I lay, fully +undressed, and panting, if not with the fears of a real maid, at least +with those perhaps greater of a dissembled one which gave me an air of +confusion and bashfulness that maiden-modesty had all the honour of, +and was indeed scarce distinguishable from it, even by less partial +eyes than those of my lover: so let me call him, for I ever thought the +term “cully” too cruel a reproach to the men, for their abused weakness +for us. + +As soon as Mrs. Cole, after the old gossipery, on these occasions, used +to young women abandoned for the first time to the will of man, had +left us alone in her room, which, by the bye was well lighted up, at +his previous desire, that seemed to bode a stricter examination than he +afterwards made, Mr. Norbert, still dressed, sprung towards the bed, +where I got my head under the clothes, and defended them a good while +before he could even get at my lips, to kiss them: so true it is, that +a false virtue, on this occasion, even makes & greater rout and +resistance than a true one. From thence he descended to my breasts, the +feel I disputed tooth and nail with him till tired with my resistance, +and thinking probable to give a better account to me, he hurried his +clothes off in an instant, and came into bed. + +Mean while by the glimpse I stole of him, I could easily discover a +person far from promising any such doughty performances as the storming +of maidenheads generally requires, and whose flimsy consumptive texture +gave him more the air of an invalid that was pressed, than of a +volunteer, on such hot service. + +At scarce thirty he had already reduced his strength of appetite down +to a wretched dependance on forced provocatives, very little seconded +by the natural power of a body jaded, and racked off to the less by +constant repeated over draughts of pleasure, which had done the work of +sixty winters on his springs of live: leaving him at the same time all +the fire and head of youth in his imagination, which served at once to +torment and spur him down the precipice. + +As soon as he was in bed, he threw off the bedclothes, which I suffered +him to force from my hold, and I now lay as exposed as he could wish, +not only to his attacks, but his visitation of the sheets; where in the +various agitations of the body, through my endeavours to defend myself, +he could easily assure himself there was no preparation, though, to do +him justice, he seemed a less strict examinant than I had apprehended +from so experienced a practitioner. My shift then he fairly tore open, +finding I made too much use of it to barricade my breasts, as well as +the more important avenue: yet in every thing else he proceeded with +all the marks of tenderness and regard to me, whilst the art of my play +was to shew none for him, I acted them all the niceties, apprehensions, +and terrors, supposable for a girl perfectly innocent to feel, at so +great a novelty as a naked man in bed with her for the first time. He +scarce even obtained a kiss but what he ravished; I put his hand away +twenty times from my breasts, where he had satisfied himself of their +hardness and consistence, with passing for hitherto unhandled goods. +But when grown impatient upon the main point, he now threw himself upon +me, and first trying to examine me with his finger, sought to make +himself further way, I complained of his usage bitterly: “I thought he +would not have served a body so... I was ruined... I did not know what +I had done..., I would get up, so I would...;” and at the same time +kept my thighs so fast locked, that it was not for strength like his to +force them open, or do any good. Finding thus my advantages, and that I +had both my own and his motions at command, the deceiving him came so +easy, that it was perfectly playing upon velvet. In the mean time his +machine, which was one of those sizes that slip in and out without +being minded, kept pretty stiffly bearing against that part, which the +shutting my thighs barred access to; but finding, at length he could do +no good by mere dint of bodily strength, he resorted to entreaties and +arguments: to which I only answered, with a tone of shame and timidity, +“that I was afraid he would kill me... Lord!..., would not be served +so... I was never so used in all my born days..., I wondered he was not +ashamed of himself, so I did...,” with such silly infantine moods of +repulse and complaint as I judged best adapted to express the character +of innocence, and affright. Pretending, however, to yield at length to +the vehemence of his insistence, in action and words, I sparing +disclosed my thighs, so that he could just touch the cloven inlet with +the tip of his instrument: but as he fatigued and toiled to get in, a +twist of my body, so as to receive it obliquely, not only thwarted his +admission, but giving a scream, as if he had pierced me to the heart, I +shook him off me, with such violence that he could not with all his +might to it, keep the saddle: vexed indeed at this he seemed, but not +in the style of displeasure with me for my skittishness; on the +contrary, I dare swear he held me the dearer, and hugged himself for +the difficulties that even hurt his instant pleasure. Fired, however, +now beyond all bearance of delay, he remounts, and begged of me to have +patience, stroking and soothing me to it by all the tenderest +endearments and protestations of what he would moreover do for me; at +which, feigning to be somewhat softened, and abating of the anger that +I had shewn at his hurting me so prodigiously, I suffered him to lay my +thighs aside, and make way for a new trial; but I watched the +directions and management of his point so well, that no sooner was the +orifice in the least open to it, but I gave such a timely jerk as +seemed to proceed not from the evasion of his entry, but from the pain +his efforts at it put me to: a circumstance too that I did not fail to +accompany with proper gestures, sighs and cries of complaint, of which, +“that he had hurt me... he killed me... I should die...,” were the most +frequent interjections. But now, after repeated attempts, in which he +had not made the least impression towards gaining his point, at least +for that time, the pleasure rose so fast upon him, that he could not +check or delay it, and in the vigour and fury which the approaches of +the height of it inspired him, he made one fierce-thrust, that had +almost put me by my guard, and lodged it so far that I could feel the +warm inspersion just within the exterior orifice, which I had the +cruelty not to let him finish there, but threw him out again, not +without a most piercing loud exclamation, as if the pain had put me +beyond all regard of being overheard. It was then easy to observe that +he was more satisfied, more highly pleased with the supposed motives of +his baulk of consummation, than he would have-been at the full +attainment of it. It was on this foot that I solved to myself all the +falsity I employed to procure him that blissful pleasure in it, which +most certainly he would not have tasted in the truth of things. Eased, +however, and relieved by one discharge, he now applied himself to +sooth, encourage, and to put me into humour and patience to bear his +next attempt, which he began to prepare and gather force for, from all +the incentives of the touch and sight which he could think of, by +examining every individual part of my whole body, which he declared his +satisfaction with, in raptures of applause, kisses universally +imprinted, and sparing no part of me, in all the eagerest wantonness of +feeling, seeing, and toying. His vigour, however, did not return so +soon, and I felt him more than once pushing at the door, but so little +in a condition to break in, that I question whether he had the power to +enter, had I held it ever so open; but this he then thought me too +little acquainted with the nature of things, to have any regret or +confusion about, and he kept fatiguing himself and me for a long time, +before he was in any state to resume his attacks with any prospect of +success and then I breathed him so warmly, and kept him so at bay, that +before he had made any sensible progress in point of penetration, he +was deliciously sweated, and wearied out indeed: so that it was deep in +the morning before he achieved his second let-go, about half way of +entrance, I all the while crying and complaining of his prodigious +vigour, and the immensity of what I appeared to suffer splitting up +with. Tired, however, at length, with such athletic drudgery, my +champion began now to give out, and to gladly embrace the refreshment +of some rest. Kissing me then with much affection, and recommending me +to my repose, he presently fell fast asleep, which, as soon as I had +well satisfied myself of, I with much composure of body, so as not to +wake him by any motion, with much ease and safety too, played of Mrs. +Cole’s device for perfecting the signs of my virginity. In each of the +head bed-posts, just above where the bedsteads are inserted into them, +there was a small drawer, so artfully adapted to the mouldings of the +timber-work, that it might have escaped even the most curious search: +which drawers were easily opened or shut by the touch of a spring, and +were fitted each with a shallow glass tumbler, full of a prepared fluid +blood, in which lay soaked, for ready use, a sponge, that required no +more than gently reaching the hand to it, taking it out and properly +squeezing between the thighs, when it yelded a great deal more of the +red liquid than would save a girl’s honour; after which, replacing it, +and touching the spring, all possibility of discovery, or even of +suspicion, was taken away; and this was not the work of the fourth part +of a minute, and of which ever side one lay, the thing was equally easy +and practicable, by the double care taken to have each bed-post +provided alike. True it is, that had he waked and caught me in the act, +it would at least have covered me with shame and confusion; but them, +that he did not, was, with the precautions I took, a risk of a thousand +to one in my favour. + +At ease now, and out of all fear of any doubt or suspicion on his side, +I addressed myself in good earnest to my repose, but could obtain none; +and in about half an hour’s time my gentleman waked again, and turning +towards me, I feigned a sound sleep, which he did not long respect; but +girding himself again to renew the onset, he began to kiss and caress +me, when now making as if I just waked, I complained of the +disturbance, and of the cruel pain that this little rest had stole my +senses from. Eager, however, for the pleasure, as well of consummating +an entire triumph over my virginity, he said every thing that could +overcome my resistance, and bribe my patience to the end, which now I +was ready to listen to, from being secure of the bloody proofs I had +prepared of his victorious violence, though I still thought it good +policy not to let him in yet a while. I answered then only to his +importunities in sighs and moans, “that I was so hurt, I could not bear +it... I was sure he had done me a mischief; that he had... he was such +a bad man!” At this, turning down the clothes, and viewing the field of +battle by the glimmer of a dying taper, he saw plainly my thighs, +shift, and sheet, all stained with what he readily took for a virgin +effusion, proceeding from his last half penetration: convinced, and +transported at which, nothing could equal his joy and exultation. The +illusion was complete, no other conception entered his head, but that +of his having been at work upon an unopened mine; which idea, upon so +strong an evidence, redoubled at once his tenderness for me, and his +ardour for breaking it wholly up. Kissing me then with the utmost +rapture, he comforted me, and begged my pardon for the pain he had put +me to: observing withal, that it was only a thing in course; but the +worst was certainly past, and that with a little courage and constancy, +I should get it once well over, and never after experience any thing +but the greatest pleasure. By little and little I suffered myself to be +prevailed on, and giving, as it were, up to the point of him, I made my +thighs, insensibly spreading them, yield him liberty of access, which +improving, he got a little within me, when by a well managed reception +I worked the female screw so nicely, that I kept him from the easy +mid-channel direction, and by dexterous wreathing and contortions, +creating an artificial difficulty of entrance, made him win it inch by +inch, with the most laborious struggles, I all the while sorely +complaining: till at length, with might and main, winding his way in, +he got it completely home, and giving my virginity, as he thought, the +coup le grace, furnished me with the cue of setting up a terrible +outcry, whilst he, triumphant and like a cock clapping his wings over +his down-trod mistress, pursued his pleasure: which presently rose, in +virtue of this idea of a complete victory, to a pitch that made me soon +sensible of his melting period; whilst I now lay acting the deep +wounded, breathless, frightened, undone, no longer maid. + +You would ask me, perhaps, whether all this time I enjoyed any +perception of pleasure? I assure you, little or none, till just towards +the latter end, a faintish sense of it came on mechanically, from so +long a struggle and frequent fret in that ever sensible part; but, in +the first place, I had no taste for the person I was suffering the +embraces of, on a pure mercenary account; and then, I was not entirely +delighted with myself for the jade’s part I was playing, whatever +excuses I might plead for my being brought into it; but then this +insensibility kept me so much the mistress of my mind and motions, that +I could the better manage so close a counterfeit, through the whole +scene of deception. + +Recovered at length to a more shew of life, by his tender condolences, +kisses and embraces, I upbraided him, and reproached him with my ruin, +in such natural terms, as added to his satisfaction with himself, for +having accomplished it; and guessing, by certain observations of mine, +that it would be rather favourable to him, to spare him, when he some +time after, feebly enough, came on again to the assault, I resolutely +withstood any further endeavours, on a pretext that flattered his +prowess, of my being so violently hurt and sore, that I could not +possibly endure a fresh trial. He then graciously granted me a respite, +and the next morning soon after advancing, I got rid of further +importunity, till Mrs. Cole, being rung for by him, came in and was +made acquainted, in terms of the utmost joy and rapture, with his +triumphant certainty of my virtue, and the finishing stroke he had +given it, in the course of the night: of which, he added, she would see +proof enough in bloody characters, on the sheets. + +You may guess how a woman of her turn of address and experience +humoured the jest, and played him off with mixed exclamations of shame, +danger, compassion for me, and of her being pleased that all was so +well over: in which last, I believe, she was certainly sincere. And +now, as the objection which she had represented as an invincible one, +to me lying the first night at his lodgings (which were studiously +calculated for freedom of intrigues), on the account of my maiden fears +and terrors, at the thought of going to a gentleman’s chambers, and +being alone with him in bed, was surmounted, she pretended to persuade +me, in favour to him, that I should go there to him, whenever he +pleased, and still keep up all the necessary appearances of working +with her, that I might not lose, with my character, the prospect of +getting a good husband, and at the same time her house would be kept +safer from scandal. All this seemed so reasonable, so considerate to +Mr. Norbert, that he never once perceived that she did not want him to +resort to her house, lest he might in time discover certain +inconsistencies with the character she had set out with to him: besides +that this plan greatly flattered his own ease, and views of liberty. + +Leaving me then to my much wanted rest, he got up, and Mrs. Cole, after +settling with him all points relating to me, got him undiscovered out +of the house. After which, as I was awake, she came in, and gave me due +praises for my success. Behaving too with her usual moderation and +disinterestedness, she refused any share of the sum I had thus earned, +and put me into such a secure and easy way of disposing of my affairs, +which now amounted to a kind of little fortune, that a child of ten +years old might have kept the account and property of them safe in its +hands. + +I was now restored again to my former state of a kept mistress, and +used punctually to wait on Mr. Norbert at his chambers whenever he sent +a messenger for me, which I constantly took care to be in the way of, +and managed with so much caution, that he never once penetrated the +nature of my connections with Mrs. Cole; but indolently given up to +ease and the town dissipations, the perpetual hurry of them hindered +him from looking into his own affairs, much less to mine. + +In the mean time, if I may judge from my own experience, none are +better paid, or better treated, during their reign, than the mistress +of those who, enervate by nature, debaucheries, or age, have the least +employment for the sex: sensible that a woman must be satisfied some +way, they ply her with a thousand little tender attentions, presents, +caresses, confidences, and exhaust their inventions in means and +devices to make up for the capital deficiency; and even towards +lessening that, what arts, what modes, what refinements of pleasure +have they not recourse to, to raise their languid powers, and press +nature into the service of their sensuality? But here is their +misfortune, that when by a course of teasing, worrying, handling, +wanton postures, lascivious motions, they have at length accomplished a +flashy enervate enjoyment, they at the same time light up a flame in +the object of their passion, that, not having the means themselves to +quench, drives her for relief into the next person’s arms, who can +finish their work; and thus they become bawds to some favourite, tried +and approved of, for a more vigorous and satisfactory execution; for +with women, of our turn especially, however well our hearts may be +disposed, there is a controlling part, or queen-seat in us, that +governs itself by its own maxims of state, amongst which not one is +stronger, in practice with it, than, in the matter of is dues, never to +accept the will for the deed. + +Mr. Norbert, who was much in this ungracious case, though he professed +to like me extremely, could but seldom consummate the main-joy itself +with me, without such a length and variety of preparations, as were at +once wearisome and inflammatory. + +Sometimes he would strip me stark naked on a carpet, by a good fire, +when he would contemplate me almost by the hour, disposing me in all +the figures and attitudes of body that it was susceptible of being +viewed in; kissing me in every part, the most secret and critical one +so far from excepted that it received most of that branch of homage. +Then his touches were so exquisitely wanton, so luxuriously diffused +and penetrative at times, that he had made me perfectly rage with +titillating fires, when, after all, and much ado, he had gained a +short-lived erection, he would perhaps melt it away in a washy sweat, +or a premature abortive effusion, that provokingly mocked my eager +desires: or, if carried home, how faultered and unnervous the +execution! how insufficient the sprinkle of a few heat-drops to +extinguish all the flames he had kindled! + +One evening, I cannot help remembering, that returning home from him, +with a spirit he had raised in a circle his wand had proved too weak to +lay, as I turned the corner of a street, I was overtaken by a young +sailor, I was then in that spruce, neat, plain dress, which I ever +affected and perhaps might have, in my trip, a certain air of +restlessness unknown to the composure of cooler thoughts. However, he +seized me as a prize, and without farther ceremony threw his arms round +my neck, and kissed me boisterously and sweetly. I looked at him with a +beginning of anger and indignation at his rudeness, that softened away +into other sentiments as I viewed him: for he was tall, manly +carriaged, handsome of body and face, so that I ended my stare, with +asking him, in a tone turned to tenderness, what he meant; at which, +with the same frankness and vivacity as he had begun with me, he +proposed treating me with a glass of wine. Now, certain it is, that had +I been in a calmer state of blood than I was, had I not been under the +dominion of unappeased irritation; but I do not know how it was, my +pressing calls, his figure, the occasion, and if you will, the powerful +combination of all these, with a start of curiosity to see the end of +an adventure, so novel too as being treated like a common street-plyer, +made me give a silent consent; in short, it was not my head that I now +obeyed, I suffered myself to be towed along as it were by this +man-of-war, who took me under his arm as familialry as if he had known +me all his lifetime, and led me into the next convenient tavern, where +we were shown into a little room on one side of the passage. Here, +scarce allowing himself patient till the drawer brought in the wine +called for, he fell directly on board me: when, untucking my +handkerchief, and giving me a snatching buss, he laid my breasts bare +at once, which he handled with that keenness of gust that abridges a +ceremonial evermore tiresome than pleasing on such pressing occasions; +and now, hurrying towards the main point, we found no conveniency to +our purpose, two or three disabled chairs, and a rickety table, +composing the whole furniture of the room. Without more ado, he plans +me with my back standing against the wall, and my petticoats up; and +coming out with a splitter indeed, made it shine, as he brandished it, +in my eyes; and going to work with an impetuosity and eagerness, bred +very likely by a long fast at seat, went to give me a taste of it. I +straddled, I humoured my posture, and did my best in short to buckle to +it; I took part of it in, but still things did not go to his thorough +liking; changing them in a trice his system of battery, he leads me to +the table and with a master-hand lays my head down on the edge of it, +and, with the other canting up my petticoats and shift, bares my naked +posteriors to his blind and furious guide; it forces its way between +them, and I feeling pretty sensibly that it was not going by the right +door, and knocking desperately at the wrong one, I told him of +it:—“Pooh!” says he, “my dear, any port in a storm.” Altering, however, +directly his course, and lowering his point, he fixed it right, and +driving it up with a delicious stiffness, made all foam again, and gave +me the tout with such fire and spirit, that in the fine disposition I +was in when I submitted to him and stirred up so fiercely as I was, I +got the start of him, and went away into the melting swoon, and +squeezing him, whilst in the convulsive grasp of it, drew from him such +a plenteous bedewal, as pointed to my own effusion, perfectly floated +those parts, and drowned in a deluge all my raging conflagration of +desire. + +When this was over, how to make my retreat was my concern; for, though +I had been so extremely pleased with the difficult between this warm +broadside, poured so briskly into me, and the tiresome pawing and +toying to which I had owed the unappeased flames that had driven me +into this step, now I was cooler, I began to apprehend the danger of +contracting an acquaintance with this, however agreeable stranger; who, +on his side, spoke of passing the evening with me and continuing our +intimacy, with an air of determination that made me afraid of its being +not so easy to get away from him as I could wish. In the mean time I +carefully concealed my uneasiness, and readily pretended to consent to +stay with him, telling him I should only step to my lodgings to leave a +necessary direction, and then instantly return. This he very glibly +swallowed, on the notion of my being one of those unhappy +street-errants, who devote themselves to the pleasure of the first +ruffian that will stoop to pick them up, and of course, that I would +scarce bilk myself of the hire, by not returning make the most of the +job. Thus he parted with me, not before, however, he had ordered in my +hearing a supper, which I had the barbarity to disappoint him of my +company too. + +But when I got home, and told Mrs. Cole my adventure, she represented +so strongly to me the nature and dangerous consequences of my folly, +particularly the risks to my health, in being so openlegged and free, +that I not only took resolutions never to venture so rashly again, +which I inviolably preserved, but passed a good many days in continual +uneasiness, lest I should have met with other reasons, besides the +pleasure of that rencounter, to remember it; but these fears wronged my +pretty sailor, for which I gladly make him this reparation. + +I had now lived with Mr. Norbert near a quarter of a year, in which +space I circulated my time very pleasantly, between my amusements at +Mrs. Cole’s, and a proper attendance on that gentleman, who paid me +profusely for the unlimited complaisance with which I passively +humoured every caprice of pleasure, and which had won upon him so +greatly, that finding, as he said, all that variety in me alone, which +he had sought for in a number of women, I had made him lose his taste +for inconstancy, and new faces. But what was yet at least agreeable, as +well as more flattering, the love I had inspired him with, bred a +deference to me, that was of great service to his health: for having by +degrees, and with much pathetic representations brought him to some +husbandry of it, and to insure the duration of his pleasures by +moderating their use, and correcting those excesses in them he was so +addicted to, and which had shattered his constitution and destroyed his +powers of life in the very point for which he seemed desirous to live, +he was grown more delicate, more temperate, and in course more healthy; +his gratitude for which was taking a turn very favourable for my +fortune, when once more the caprice of it dashed the cup from my lips. + +His sister, lady L..., for whom he had a great affection, desiring him +to accompany her down to Bath for her health, he could not refuse her +such a favour; and accordingly, though he counted on staying away from +me no more than a week at farthest, he took his leave of me with an +ominous heaviness of heart, and left me a sum far above the state of +his fortune, and very inconsistent with the intended shortness of his +journey; but it ended in the longest that can be, and is never but once +taken: for, arrived at Bath, he was not there two days before he fell +into a debauch of drinking with some gentlemen, that threw him into a +high fever, and carried him off in four days’ time, never once out of a +delirium. Had he been in his senses to make a will, perhaps he might +have made favourable mention of me in it. Thus, however, I lost him; +and as no condition of life is more subject to revolutions than that of +a woman of pleasure, I soon recovered my cheerfulness, and now beheld +myself once more struck off the list of kept mistresses, and returned +into the bosom of the community, from which I had been in some manner +taken. + +Mrs. Cole still continued her friendship, and offered me her assistance +and advice towards another choice; but I was now in ease and affluence +enough to look about me at leisure; and as to any constitutional calls +of pleasure, their pressure, or sensibility, was greatly lessened by a +consciousness of the ease with which they were to be satisfied at Mrs. +Cole’s house, where Louisa and Emily still continued in the old way; +and my great favourite Harriet used often to come and see me, and +entertain me, with her head and heart full of the happiness she enjoyed +with her dear baronet, whom she loved with a tenderness and constancy, +even though he was her keeper, and what is yet more, had made her +independent, by a handsome provision for her and hers. I was then in +this vacancy from any regular employ of my person in my way of +business, when one day, Mrs. Cole, in the course of the constant +confidence we lived in, acquainted me that there was one Mr. Barville, +who used her house, just come to town, whom she was not a little +perplexed about providing a suitable companion for; which was indeed a +point of difficulty, as he was under the tyranny of a cruel taste: that +of an ardent desire, not only of being unmercifully whipped himself, +but of whipping others, in such sort, that though he paid extravagantly +those who had the courage and complaisance to submit to his humour, +there were few, delicate as he was in the choice of his subjects, who +would exchange turns with him so terribly at the expense of their skin. +But, what yet increased the oddity of this strange fancy was the +gentleman being young; whereas it generally attacks, it seems, such as +are, through age, obliged to have recourse to this experiment, for +quickening the circulation of their sluggish juices, and determining a +conflux of the spirits of pleasure towards those flagging shrivelly +parts, that rise to life only by virtue of those titillating ardours +created by the discipline of their opposites, with which they have so +surprising a consent. + +This Mrs. Cole could not well acquaint me with, in any expectation of +my offering for service: for, sufficiently easy as I was in my +circumstances, it must have been the temptation of an immense interest +indeed, that could have induced me to embrace such a job, neither had I +ever expressed, nor indeed, felt the least impulse or curiosity to know +more of a taste, that promised so much more pain than pleasure to those +that stood in no need of such violent goads: what then should move me +to subscribe myself voluntarily to a party of pain, foreknowing it +such? Why, to tell the plain truth, it was a sudden caprice, a gust of +fancy for trying a new experiment, mixed with the vanity of approving +my personal courage to Mrs. Cole, that determined me, at all risks, to +propose myself to her and relieve her from any further look-out. +Accordingly, I at once pleased and surprised her, with a frank and +unreserved tender of my person to her and her friend’s absolute +disposal on this occasion. + +My good temporal mother was, however, so kind as to use all the +arguments she could imagine to dissuade me: but, as I found they only +turned on a motive of tenderness to me, I persisted in my resolution, +and thereby acquitted my offer of any suspicion of its not having been +sincerely made, or out of compliment only. Acquiescing then thankfully +in it, Mrs. Cole assured me “that bating the pain I should be put to, +she had no scruple to engage me to this party, which she assured me I +should be liberally paid for, and which, the secrecy of the transaction +preserved safe from the ridicule that otherwise vulgarly attended it; +that for her part, she considered pleasure, of one sort or other, as +the universal port of destination, and every wind that blew thither a +good one, provided it blew nobody any harm; that she rather +compassionated, than blamed those unhappy persons, who are under a +subjection they cannot shake off, to those arbitrary tastes that rule +their appetites of pleasures with an unaccountable control: tastes too, +as infinitely diversified, as superior to, and independent of all +reasoning as the different relishes or palates of mankind in their +viands, some delicate stomach nauseating plain meats, and finding no +savour but in highseasoned, luxurious dishes, whilst others again pique +themselves upon detesting them.” + +I stood now in no need of this preamble of encouragement, or +justification: my word was given, and I was determined to fulfill my +engagements. Accordingly the night was set, and I had all the necessary +previous instructions how to act and conduct myself. The dining room +was duly prepared and lighted up, and the young gentleman posted there +in waiting, for my introduction to him. + +I was then, by Mrs. Cole, brought in, and presented to him, in a loose +dishabille fitted, by her direction, to the exercise I was to go +through, all in the finest linen and a thorough white uniform: gown, +petticoat, stocking, and satin slippers, like a victim led to +sacrifice; whilst my dark auburn hair, falling in drop-curls over my +neck, created a pleasing distinction of colour from the rest of my +dress. + +As soon as Mr. Barville saw me, he got up, with a visible air of +pleasure and surprise, and saluting me, asked Mrs. Cole, if so fine and +delicate a creature would voluntarily submit to such sufferings and +rigours, as were the subject of his assignation. She answered him +properly, and now, reading in his eyes that she could not too soon +leave us together, she went out, after recommending to him to use +moderation with so tender a novice. + +But whilst she was employing his attention, mine had been taken up with +examining the figure and person of this unhappy young gentleman, who +was thus unaccountably condemned to have his pleasure lashed into him, +as boys have their learning. + +He was exceedingly fair, and, smooth complexioned, and appeared to me +no more than twenty at most, though he was three years older than what +my conjectures gave him; but then he owed this favourable mistake to a +habit of fatness, which spread through a short, squab stature; and a +round, plump, fresh coloured face gave him greatly the look of a +Bacchus, had not an air of austerity, not to say sternness, very +unsuitable even to his shape of face, dashed that character of joy, +necessary to complete the resemblance. His dress was extremely neat, +but plain, and far inferior to the ample fortune he was in full +possession of; this too was a taste in him, and not avarice. + +As soon as Mrs. Cole was gone, he seated me near him, when now his face +changed upon me, into an expression of the most pleasing sweetness and +good humour, the most remarkable for its sudden shift from the other +extreme, which I found afterwards, when I knew more of his character, +was owing to a habitual state of conflict with, and dislike of himself, +for being enslaved to so peculiar a lust, by the fatality of a +constitutional ascendant, that rendered him incapable of receiving any +pleasure, till he submitted to these extraordinary means of procuring +it at the hands of pain, whilst the constancy of this repining +consciousness stamped at length that cast of sourness and severity on +his features: which was, in fact, very foreign to the natural sweetness +of his temper. + +After a competent preparation by apologies, and encouragement to go +through my part with spirit and constancy, he stood up near the fire, +whilst I went to fetch the instruments of discipline out of a closet +hard by: these were several rods, made each of two or three strong +twigs of birch tied together, which he took, handled, and viewed with +as much pleasure, as I did with a kind of shuddering presage. + +Next we took from the side of the room a long broad bench, made easy to +lie at length on by a soft cushion in a callico-cover; and everything +being now ready, he took his coat and waistcoat off; and at his motion +and desire, I unbuttoned his breeches, and rolling up his shirt rather +above his waist, tucked it on securely there; when directing naturally +my eyes to that humoursone master-movement, in whose favour all these +dispositions were making, it seemed almost shrunk into his body, scarce +showing its tip above the sprout of hairy curls that clothed those +parts, as you may have-seen a wren peeping its head out of the grass. + +Stooping them to untie his garters, he gave them to me for the use of +tying him down to the legs of the bench: a circumstance no farther +necessary than, as I suppose, it made part of the humour of the thing, +since he prescribed it to himself, amongst the rest of the ceremonial. + +I led him then to the bench, and according to my cue, played at forcing +him to lie down: which, after-some little show of reluctance, for +form-sake, he submitted to; he was straightway extended flat upon his: +belly, on the bench, with a pillow under his face; and as he thus +tamely lay, I tied him slightly hand and feet, to the legs of it; which +done, his shirt remaining trussed up over the small of his back, I drew +his breeches quite down to his knees; and now he lay, in all the +fairest, broadest display of that part of the back-view; in which a +pair of chubby, smooth-cheeked and passing white posteriors rose +cushioning upwards from two stout, fleshful thighs, and ending their +cleft, or separation by an union at the small of the back, presented a +bold mark, that swelled, as it were, to meet the scourge. + +Seizing now one of the rods, I stood over him, and according to his +direction, gave him in one breath, ten lashes with much good-will, and +the utmost nerve and vigour of arm that I could put to them, so as to +make those fleshy orbs quiver again under them; whilst he himself +seemed no more concerned, or to mind them, than a lobster would a +flea-bite. In the mean time, I view intently the effect of them, which +to me at last appeared surprisingly cruel: every lash had skimmed the +surface of those white cliffs, which they deeply reddened, and lapping +round the side of the furthermost from me, cut specially, into the +dimple of it, such livid weals, as the blood either spun out from, or +stood in large drops on; and, from some of the cuts, I picked out even +the splinters of the rod that had stuck in the skin. Nor was this raw +work to be wondered at, considering the greenness of the twigs and the +severity of the infliction, whilst the whole surface of the skin was so +smooth-stretched over the hard and firm pulp of flesh that filled it, +as to yield no play, or elusive swagging under the stroke: which +thereby took place the more plump, and cut into the quick. + +I was however already so moved at the piteous sight, that I from my +heart repented the undertaking, and would willing had given over, +thinking he had full enough; but, he encouraging and beseeching me +earnestly to proceed, I gave him ten more lashes; and then resting, +surveyed the increase of bloody appearances. And at length, steeled to +the height, by his stoutness in suffering, I continued the discipline, +by intervals, till I observed him wreathing and twisting his body, in a +way that I could plainly perceive was not the effect of pain, but of +some new and powerful sensation: curious to dive into the meaning of +which, in one of my pauses of intermission, I approached, as he still +kept working, and grinding his belly against the cushion under him: and +first stroking the untouched and unhurt side of the flesh-mount next +me, then softly insinuating my hand under his thigh, felt the posture +things were in forwards, which was indeed surprising: for that machine +of him, which I had, by its appearance, taken for an impalpable, or at +least a very diminutive subject, was now, in virtue of all that smart +and havoc of his skin behind, grown not only to a prodigious stiffness +of erection, but to a size that frighted even me: a non-pareil +thickness indeed! the head of it alone filled the utmost capacity of my +grasp. And when, as he heaved and wriggled to and fro, in the agitation +of his strange pleasure, it came into view, it had something of the air +of a round fillet of veal, and like its owner, squab, and short in +proportion to its breadth; but when he felt my hand there, he begged I +would go on briskly with my jerking, or he should never arrive at the +last stage of pleasure. + +Resuming then the rode and the exercise of it, I had fairly worn out +three bundles, when, after an increase of struggles and motion, and a +deep sigh or two, I saw him lie still and motionless; and now he +desired me to desist, which I instantly did; and proceeding to untie +him, I could not but be amazed at his passive fortitude, on viewing the +skin of his butchered, mangled posteriors, late so white, smooth and +polished, now all one side of them a confused cut-work of weals, livid +flesh, gashes and gore, insomuch that when he stood up, he could scarce +walk; in short, he was in sweet-briars. + +Then I plainly perceived, on the cushion, the marks of a plenteous +effusion, and already had his sluggard member run up to its old +nestling-place, and enforced itself again, as if ashamed to shew its +head; which nothing, it seems, could raise but stripes inflicted on its +opposite neighbours, who were thus constantly obliged to suffer for his +caprice. + +My gentleman had now put on his clothes and recomposed himself, when +giving me a kiss, and placing me by him, he sat himself down as +gingerly as possible, with one side off the cushion, which was too sore +for him to bear resting any part of his weight on. + +Here he thanked me for the extreme pleasure I had procured him, and +seeing, perhaps, some marks in my countenance of terror and +apprehension of retaliation on my own skin, for what I had been the +instrument of his suffering in his, he assured me, “he was ready to +give up to me any engagement I might deem myself under to stand him, as +he had done me, but that if I proceeding in my consent to it, he would +consider the difference of my sex, its greater delicacy and incapacity +to undergo pain.” Reheartened at which, and piqued in honour, as I +thought, not to flinch so near the trial, especially as I well knew +Mrs. Cole was an eye-witness, from her stand of espial, to the whole of +our transaction, I was now less afraid of my skin, than of his not +furnishing me with an opportunity of signalizing my resolution. + +Consonant to this disposition was my answer, but my courage was still +more in my head, than in my heart; and as cowards rush into danger they +fear, in order to be the sooner rid of the pain of that sensation, I +was entirely pleased with his hastening matters into execution. + +He had then little to do, but to unloose the strings of my petticoats, +and lift them, together with my shift, navel-high, where he just tucked +them up loosely, and might be slipt up higher at pleasure. Then viewing +me round with great seeming delight, he laid me at length on my face +upon the bench, and when I expected he would tie me, as I had done him, +and held out my hands, not without fear and a little trembling, he told +me, “he would by no means terrify me unnecessarily with such a +confinement; for that though he meant to put my constancy to a trial, +the standing it was to be completely voluntary on my side, and +therefore I might be at full liberty to get up whenever I found the +pain too much for me.” You cannot imagine how much I thought myself +bound, by being thus allowed to remain loose, and how much spirit this +confidence in me gave me, so that I was even from my heart careless how +much my flesh might suffer in honour of it. + +All my back parts, naked half way up, were now fully at his mercy: and +first, he stood at a convenient distance, delighting himself with a +gloating survey of the attitude I lay in, and of all the secret stores +I thus exposed to him in fair display. Then, springing eagerly towards +me, he covered all those naked parts with a fond profusion of kisses; +and now, taking hold of the rod, rather wantoned with me, in gentle +inflictions on those tender trembling masses of my flesh behind, than +in any way hurt them, till by degrees, he began to tingle them with +smarter lashes, so as to provoke a red colour into them, which I knew, +as well by the flagrant glow I felt there, as by his telling me, they +now emulated the native roses of my other cheeks. When he had thus +amused himself with admiring, and toying with them, he went on to +strike harder, and more hard, so that I needed all my patience not to +cry out, or complain at least. At last, he twigged me so smartly as to +fetch blood in more than one lash: at sight of which he flung down the +rod, flew to me, kissed away the starting drops, and sucking the wounds +eased a good deal of my pain. But now raising me on my knees, and +making me kneel with them straddling wide, that tender part of me, +naturally the province of pleasure, not of pain, came in for its share +of suffering: for now, eyeing it wistfully, he directed the rod so that +the sharp ends of the twigs lighted there, so sensibly, that I could +not help wincing, and writhing my limbs with smart; so that my +contortions of body must necessarily throw it into infinite variety of +postures and points of view, fit to feast the luxury of the eye. But +still I bore every thing without crying out: when presently giving me +another pause, he rushed, as it were, on that part whose lips, and +round about, had felt this cruelty, and by way of reparation, glued his +own to them; then he opened, shut, squeezed them, plucked softly the +overgrowing moss, and all this in a style of wild passionate rapture +and enthusiasm, that expressed excess of pleasure; till betaking +himself to the rod again, encouraged by my passiveness, and infuriated +with this strange taste of delight, he made my poor posteriors pay for +the ungovernableness of it; for now showing them no quarter, the +traitor cut me so, that I wanted but little of fainting away, when he +gave over. And yet I did not utter one groan, or angry expostulation; +but in my heart I resolved nothing so seriously, as never to expose +myself again to the like severities. + +You may guess then in what a curious pickle those soft flesh-cushions +of mine were, all so red, raw, and in fine, terribly clawed off; but so +far from feeling any pleasure in it, that the recent smart made me pout +a little, and not with the greatest air of satisfaction receive the +compliments, and after-caresses of the author of my pain. + +As soon as my clothes were huddled on in a little decency, a supper was +brought in by the discreet Mrs. Cole herself, which might have piqued +the sensuality of a cardinal, accompanied with a choice of the richest +wines: all which she set before us, and went out again, without having, +by a word or even by a smile, given us the least interruption or +confusion, in those moments of secrecy, that we were not yet ripe to +the admission of a third too. + +I sat down then, still scarce in charity with my butcher, for such I +could not help considering him, and was moreover not a little piqued at +the gay, satisfied air of his countenance, which I thought myself +insulted by. But when the now necessary refreshment to me of a glass of +wine, and a little eating (all the time observing a profound silence) +had somewhat cheered and restored me to spirits, and as the smart began +to go off, my good humour returned accordingly: which alteration not +escaping him, he said and did every thing that could confirm me in, and +indeed exalt it. + +But scarce was supper well over, before a change so incredible was +wrought in me, such violent, yet pleasingly irksome sensations took +possession of me that I scarce knew how to contain myself; the smart of +the lashes was now converted into such a prickly heat, such fiery +tinglings, as made me sigh, squeeze my thighs together, shift and +wriggle about my seat, with a furious restlessness; whilst these +itching ardours, thus excited in those parts on which the storm of +discipline had principally fallen, detached legions of burning, +subtile, stimulating spirits, to their opposite spot and centre of +assemblage, where their titillation raged so furiously, that I was even +stinging made with them. No wonder then that in such a taking, and +devoured by flames that licked up all modesty and reserve, my eyes, now +charged brimful of the most intense desire, fired on my companion very +intelligible signal of distress: my companion, I say, who grew in them +every instant more amiable, and more necessary to my urgent wishes and +hopes of immediate ease. + +Mr. Barville, no stranger, by experience, to these situations, soon +knew the pass I was brought to soon perceived my extreme disorder; in +favour of which, removing the table out of the way, he began a prelude +that flattered me with instant relief, to which I was not, however, so +near as I imagined: for as he was unbuttoned to me, and tried to +provoke and rouse to action his unactive torpid machine, he blushingly +owned that no good was to be expected from it, unless I took it in hand +to re-excite its languid loitering powers, by just refreshing the smart +of the yet recent blood-raw cuts, seeing it could, no more than a boy’s +top, keep up without lashing. Sensible then that I should work as much +for my own profit as his, I hurried my compliance with his desire, and +abridging the ceremonial, whilst he leaned his head against the back of +a chair, I had scarce gently made him feel the lash, before I saw the +object of my wishes give signs of life, and presently, as it were with +a magic touch, is started up into a noble size and distinction indeed. +Hastening then to give me the benefit of it, he threw me down on the +bench; but such was the refreshed soreness of those parts behind, on my +leaning so hard on them, as became me to compass the admission of that +stupendous head of his machine, that I could not possibly bear it. I +got up then, and tried, by leaning forwards, and turning the crupper on +my assailant, to let him at the back avenue: but here it was likewise +impossible to stand his bearing so fiercely against me, in his +agitations and endeavours to enter that way, whilst his belly battered +directly against the recent sore. What should we do now? both +intolerably heated: both in a fury; but pleasure is ever inventive for +its own ends: he strips me in a trice stark naked, and placing a broad +settee-cushion on the carpet before the fire, oversets me gently, topsy +turvy, on it; and handling me only at the waist, whilst you may be sure +I favoured all my dispositions, brought my legs round his neck; so that +my head was kept from the floor only by my hands and the velvet +cushion, which was now bespread with my flowing hair: thus I stood on +my head and hands, supported by him in such manner, that whilst my +thighs clung round him, so as to expose to his sight all my back +figure, including the theatre of his bloody pleasure, the centre of my +fore pair fairly bearded the object of its rage, that now stood in +fine condition to give me satisfaction for the injuries of its +neighbours. But as this posture was certainly not the easiest, and our +imaginations, wound up to the height, could suffer no delay, he first, +with the utmost eagerness and effort, just lip-lodged that broad +acorn-fashioned head of his instrument; and still befriended by the +fury with which he had made that impression, he soon stuffed in the +rest; when now, with a pursuit of thrusts, fiercely urged, he +absolutely overpowered and absorbed all sense of pain and uneasiness, +whether from my wounds behind, my most untoward posture, or the +oversize of his stretcher, in an infinitely predominant delight; when +now all my whole spirits of life and sensation rushing, impetuously to +the cock-pit, where the prize of pleasure was hotly in dispute and +clustering to a point there, I soon received the dear relief of nature +from these over-violent strains and provocations of it; harmonizing +with which, my gallant spouted into me such a potent overflow of the +balsamic injection, as softened and unedged all those irritating stings +of a new species of titillation, which I had been so intolerably +maddened with, and restored the ferment of my senses to some degree of +composure. + +I had now achieved this rare adventure ultimately much more to my +satisfaction than I had bespoken the nature of it to turn out; nor was +it much lessened, you may think, by spark’s lavish praises of my +constancy and complaisance, which he gave weight to by a present that +greatly surpassed my utmost expectation, besides his gratification to +Mrs. Cole. + +I was not, however, at any time re-enticed to renew with him, or resort +again to the violent expedient of lashing nature into more haste than +good speed: which, by the way, I conceive acts somewhat in the manner +of a dose of Spanish flies; with more pain perhaps, but less danger; +and might be necessary to him, but was nothing less so than to me, +whose appetite wanted the bridle more than the spur. + +Mrs. Cole, to whom this adventurous exploit had more and more endeared +me, looked on me now as a girl after her own heart, afraid of nothing, +and, on a good account, hardly enough to fight all the weapons of +pleasure through. Attentive then, in consequence of these favourable +conceptions, to promote either my profit or pleasure, she had special +regard for the first, in a new gallant of a very singular turn, that +she procured for and introduced to me. + +This was a grave staid, solemn, elderly gentleman, whose peculiar +humour was a delight in combing fine tresses of hair; and as I was +perfectly headed to his taste, he used to come constantly at my toilet +hours, when I let down my hair as loose as nature, and abandoned it to +him to do what he pleased with it; and accordingly he would keep me an +hour or more in play with it, drawing the comb through it, winding the +curls round his fingers, even kissing it as he smoothed it; and all +this led to no other use of my person, or any other liberties whatever, +any more than if a distinction of sexes had not existed. + +Another peculiarity of taste he had, which was to present me with a +dozen pairs of the whitest kid gloves at a time: these he would divert +himself with drawing on me, and then biting off their finger ends; all +which fooleries of a silly appetite, the old gentleman paid more +liberally for, than most others did for more essential favours. This +lasted till a violent cough, seizing and laying him up, delivered me +from this most innocent and insipid trifler, for I never heard more of +him after his first retreat. + +You may be sure a by-job of this sort interfered with no other pursuit, +or plan of life; which I led, in truth, with a modesty and reserve that +was less the work of virtue than of exhausted novelty, a glut of +pleasure, and easy circumstances, that made me indifferent to any +engagements in which pleasure and profit were not eminently united; and +such I could, with the less impatience, wait for at the hands of time +and fortune, as I was satisfied I could never mend my pennyworths, +having evidently been served at the top of the market, and even been +pampered with dainties: besides that, in the sacrifice of a few +momentary impulses, I found a secret satisfaction in respecting myself, +as well as preserving the life and freshness of my complexion. Louisa +and Emily did not carry indeed their reserve so high as I did; but +still they were far from cheap or abandoned, though two of their +adventures seemed to contradict this general character, which, for +their singularity, I shall give you in course, beginning first with +Emily’s: + +Louisa and she went one night to a ball, the first in the habit of a +shepherdess, Emily in that of a shepherd: I saw them in their dresses +before they went, and nothing in nature could represent a prettier boy +than this last did, being so fair and well limbed. They had kept +together for some time, when Louisa, meeting an old acquaintance of +hers, very cordially gives her companion the slip, and leaves her under +the protection of her boy’s habit, which was not much, and of her +discretion, which was, it seems, still less. Emily, finding herself +deserted, sauntered thoughtless about a while, and, as much for +coolness and air as any thing else, at length pulled off her mask and +went to the sideboard; where, eyed and marked out by a gentleman in a +very handsome domino, she was accosted by, and fell into chat with him. +The domino, after a little discourse, in which Emily doubtless +distinguished her good nature and easiness more than her wit, began to +make violent love to her, and drawing her insensibly to some benches at +the lower end of the masquerade room, got her to sit by him, where he +squeezed her hands, pinched her cheeks, praised and played with her +fine hair, admired her complexion, and all in a style of courtship +dashed with a certain oddity, that not comprehending the mystery of, +poor Emily attributed to his falling in with the humour of her +disguise; and being naturally not the cruellest of her profession, +began to incline to a parley on those essentials. But here was the +stress of the joke: he took her really for what she appeared to be, a +smock-faced boy; and she, forgetting her dress, and of course ranging +quite wide of his ideas, took all those address to be paid to herself +as a woman, which she precisely owed to his not thinking her one. +However, this double error was pushed to such a height on both sides, +that Emily, who saw nothing in him but a gentleman of distinction by +those points of dress to which his disguise did not extend, warmed too +by the wine he had plyed her with, and the caresses he had lavished +upon her, suffered herself to be persuaded to go to a bagnio with him; +and thus, losing sight of Mrs. Cole’s cautions, with a blind +confidence, put herself into his hands, to be carried wherever he +pleased. For his part, equally blinded by his wishes, whilst here +gregious simplicity favoured his deception more than the most exquisite +art could have done, he supposed, no doubt, that he had lighted on some +soft simpleton, fit for his; purpose, or some kept minion broken to his +hand, who understood him perfectly well, and entered into his designs. +But, be that as it would, he led her to a coach, went into it with her, +and brought her to a very handsome apartment, with a bed in it; but +whether it was a bagnio or not, she could not tell, having spoken to +nobody but himself. But when they were alone together, and her +inamorato began to proceed to those extremities which instantly +discover the sex, she remarked, that no description could paint up to +the life, the mixture of pique, confusion and disappointment, that +appeared in his countenance, joined to the mournful exclamation: “By +heavens, a woman!” This at once opened her eyes, which had been shut in +downright stupidity. However, as if he had meant to retrieve that +escape, he still continued to toy with and fondle her, but with so +staring an alteration from extreme warmth into a chill and forced +civility, that even Emily herself could not but take notice of it, and +now began to wish she had paid more regard to Mrs. Cole’s premonitions +against ever engaging with a stranger. And now an excess of timidity +succeeded to an excess of confidence, and she thought herself so much +at his mercy and discretion, that she stood passive throughout the +whole progress of his prelude: for now, whether the impressions of so +great a beauty had even made him forgive her sex, or whether her +appearance or figure in that dress still humoured his first illusion, +he recovered by degrees a good part of his first warmth, and keeping +Emily with her breeches still unbuttoned, stript them down to her +knees, and gently impelling her to lean down, with her face against the +bed-side, placed her so, that the double way, between the double rising +behind, presented the choice fair to him, and he was so fairly set on a +mis-direction, as to give the girl no small alarms for fear of losing a +maidenhead she had not dreamt of. However, her complaints, and a +resistance, gentle, but firm, checked and brought him to himself again; +so that turning his steed’s head, he drove him at length in the right +road, in which his imagination having probably made the most of those +resemblances that flattered his taste, he got, with much ado, to his +journey’s end: after which, he led her out himself, and walking with +her two or three streets length, got her a chair, when making her a +present not any thing inferior to what she could have expected, he left +her, well recommended to the chairmen, who, on her directions, brought +her home. + +This she related to Mrs. Cole and me the same morning, not without the +visible remains of the fear and confusion she had been in, still +stamped on her countenance. Mrs. Cole’s remark was, that her +indiscretion proceeding from a constitutional facility, there were +little hopes of any thing curing her of it, but repeated severe +experience. Mine was, that I could not conceive how it was possible for +mankind to run into a taste, not only universally odious, but absurd, +and impossible to gratify; since, according to the notions and +experience I had of things, it was not in nature to force such immense +disproportions. Mrs. Cole only smiled at my ignorance, and said nothing +towards my undeception, which was not affected but by ocular +demonstration, some months after, which a most singular accident +furnished me, and which I will here set down, that I may not return +again to so disagreeable a subject. + +I had, on a visit intended to Harriet, who had taken lodgings at +Hampton-court, hired a chariot to go out thither, Mrs. Cole having, +promised to accompany me; but some indispensable business intervening, +to detain her, I was obliged to set out alone; and scarce had I got a +third of my way, before the axle-tree broke down, and I was well off to +get out, safe and unhurt, into a public-house, of a tolerable handsome +appearance, on the road. Here the people told me that the stage would +come by in a couple of hours at farthest, upon; which, determining to +wait for it, sooner than lose the jaunt I had got so far forward on, I +was carried into a very clean decent room, up one pair of stairs, which +I took possession of for the time I had to stay, in right of calling +for sufficient to do the house justice. + +Here, whilst I was amusing myself with looking out of the window, a +single horse-chaise stopt at the door, out of which lightly leaped two +young’ gentlemen, for so they seemed, who came in only as it were to +bait and refresh a little, for they gave their horse to be held in +readiness against they came out. And presently I heard the door of the +next room, where they were let in, and called about them briskly; and +as soon as they were served, I could just hear that they shut and +fastened the door on the inside. + +A spirit of curiosity, far from sudden, since I do not know when I was +without it, prompted me, without any particular suspicion, or other +drift or view, to see what they were, and examine their persons and +behaviour. The partition of our rooms was one of those moveable ones +that, when taken down, served occasionally to lay them into one, for +the conveniency of as larger company; and now, my nicest search could +not shew me the shadow of a peep-hole, a circumstance which probably +had not escaped the review of the parties on the other side, whom much +it stood upon not to be deceived in it; but at length I observed a +paper patch of the same colour as the wainscot, which I took to conceal +some flaw; but then it was so high, that I was obliged to stand upon a +chair to reach it, which I did as soft as possible, and, with a point +of a bodkin, soon pierced it, and opened myself espial room sufficient. +And now, applying my eye close, I commanded the room perfectly, and +could see my two young sparks romping and pulling one another about, +entirely, to my imagination, in frolic and innocent play. + +The eldest might be, on my nearest guess, towards nineteen, a tall +comely young man, in a white fustian frock, with a green velvet cape, +and cut bob-wig. + +The youngest could not be above seventeen, fair, ruddy, completely well +made, and to say the truth, a sweet pretty stripling: he was too, I +fancy, a country lad, by his dress, which was a green plush frock, and +breeches of the same, white waistcoat and stockings, a jockey cap, with +his yellowish hair, long and loose, in natural curls. + +But after a look of circumspection, which I saw the eldest cast every +way round the room, probably in too much hurry and heat not to overlook +the very small opening I was posted at, especially at the height it +was, whilst my eye close to it kept the light from shining through and +betraying it, he said something to his companion that presently changed +the face of things. + +For now the elder began to embrace, to press and kiss the younger, to +put his hands into his bosom, and give him such manifest signs of an +amorous intention, as made me conclude the other to be a girl in +disguise: a mistake that nature kept me in countenance for, for she had +certainly made one, when she gave him the male stamp. + +In the rashness then of their age, and bent as they were to accomplish +their project of preposterous pleasure, at the risk of the very worst +of consequences, where a discovery was nothing less than improbable, +they now proceeded to such lengths as soon satisfied me what they were. + +For presently the eldest unbuttoned the other’s breeches, and removing +the linen barrier, brought out to view a white shaft, middle sized, and +scarce fledged, when after handling and playing with it a little, with +other dalliance, all received by the boy without other opposition than +certain wayward coyness, ten times-more alluring than repulsive, he got +him so turned round, with his face from him, to a chair that stood hard +by; when knowing, I suppose, his office, the Ganymede now obsequiously +leaned his head against the back of it, and projecting his body, made a +fair mark, still covered with his shirt. As he thus stood in a side +view to me, but fronting his companion, who, presently unmasking his +battery, produced an engine that certainly deserved to be put to a +better use, and very fit to confirm me in my disbelief of the +possibility of things; being pushed to odious extremities, which I had +built on the disproportion of parts; but this disbelief I was now cured +of, as by my consent all young men should likewise be, that their +innocence may not be betrayed into such snares, for want of knowing the +extent of their danger: for nothing is more certain than that ignorance +of advice is by no means a guard against it. + +Slipping, then, aside the young lad’s shirt, and tucking it up under +his clothes behind, he shewed to the open air those globular fleshy +eminences that compose the Mount Peasants of Rome, and which now, with +all the narrow vale that intersects them, stood displayed and exposed +to his attack; nor could I without a shudder behold the dispositions he +made for it. First, then, moistening well with spittle his instrument, +obviously to make it glib, he pointed, he introduced it, as I could +plainly discern, not only from its direction and my losing sight of it, +but by the writhing, twisting and soft murmured complaints of the young +sufferer; but at length, the first straits of entrance being pretty +well go through, every thing seemed to move and go pretty currently on, +as on a carpet road, without much rub or resistance; and now, passing +one hand round his minions’ hips, he got hold of his red-topped ivory +toy, that stood perfectly stiff, and shewed, that if he was like his +mother behind, he was like his father before; this he diverted himself +with, whilst, with the other he wantoned with his hair, and leaning +forward over his back, drew his face, from which the boy shook the +loose curls that fell over it, in the posture he stood him in, and +brought him towards his, so as to receive a long breathed kiss; after +which, renewing his driving, and thus continuing to harass his rear, +the height of the fist came on with its usual symptoms, and dismissed +the action. + +The criminal scene they acted, I had the patience to see to an end, +purely that I might gather more facts and certainty against them in my +design to do their deserts instant justice; and accordingly, when they +had re-adjusted themselves; and were preparing to go out, burning as I +was with rage and indignation, I jumped down from the chair, in order +to raise the house upon them, but with such an unlucky impetuosity, +that some nail or ruggedness in the floor caught my foot, and flung me +on my face with such violence, that I fell senseless on the ground, and +lay there some time before any one came to my relief: so that they, +alarmed, I suppose, by the noise of my fall, had more than the +necessary time to make a safe retreat. This they effected, as I learnt, +with a precipitation nobody could account for, until, when come to +myself, and composed enough to speak, I acquainted those of the house +with the whole transaction I had been evidence to. + +When I came home again, and told Mrs. Cole this adventure, she very +sensibly observed to me, that “there was no doubt of the due vengeance +one time or other overtaking these miscreants, however they might +escape for the present; and that, had I been the temporal instrument of +it, I should have been put to a great deal more trouble and confusion +than I imagined; that, as to the thing itself, the less said of it was +the better; but that though she might be suspected of partiality, from +its being the common cause of womankind, out of whose mouths this +practice tended to take something more than bread, yet she protested +against any mixture of passion, with a declaration extorted from her by +pure regard to truth; which was, that whatever effect this infamous +passion had in other ages and other countries, it seemed a peculiar +blessing on our air and climate, that there was a plaguespot visibly +imprinted on all that are tainted with it, in this nation at least, for +that among numbers of that stamp whom she had known, or at least were +universally under the scandalous suspicion of it, she would not name an +exception hardly to one of them, whose character was not, in all other +respects, the most worthless and despicable that could be; stript of +all the manly virtues of their own sex, and filled up with only the +worst vices and follies of ours; that, in fine, they were scarce less +execrable than ridiculous in their monstrous inconsistence, of loathing +and contemning women, and at the same time apeing all their manners, +airs, lisps, scuttle, and, in general, all their little modes of +affectation, which become them at least better, than they do these +unsexed, male misses.” + +But here, washing my hands of them, I re-plunge into the stream of my +history, which I may very properly ingraft a terrible sally of +Louisa’s, since I had some share in it myself, and have besides engaged +myself to relate it, in point of countenance to poor Emily. It will +add, too, one more example to thousands, in confirmation of the maxim, +that women get once out of compass, there are no lengths of +licentiousness, that they are not capable of running. + +One morning then, that both Mrs. Cole and Emily were gone out for the +day, and only Louisa and I (not to mention the house-maid) were left in +charge of the house, whilst we were loitering away the time, in looking +through the shop windows, the son of a poor woman, who earned very hard +bread indeed by mending of stockings, in a stall in the neighbourhood, +offered us some nosegays, ranged round a small basket; by selling of +which the poor boy eked out his mother’s maintenance of them both: nor +was he fit for any other way of livelihood, since he was not only a +perfect changeling, or idiot, but stammered so that there was no +understanding even those sounds his half-dozen animals ideas, at most, +prompted him to utter. + +The boys and servants in the neighbourhood had given him the nick-name +of good-natured Dick, from the soft simpleton’s doing every thing he +was bid at the first word, and from his naturally having no turn to +mischief; then, by the way, he was perfectly well made, stout, +clean-limbed, tall of his age, as strong as a horse, and, withal, +pretty featured; so that he was not, absolutely, such a figure to be +snuffled at neither, if your nicety could, in favour of such +essentials, have dispensed with a face unwashed, hair tangled for want +of combing, and so ragged a plight, that he might have disputed points +of shew with any heathen philosopher of them all. + +This boy we had often seen, and bought his flowers, out of pure +compassion, and nothing more; but just at this time as he stood +presenting us his basket, a sudden whim, a start of wayward fancy, +seized Louisa; and, without consulting me, she calls him in, and +beginning to examine his nosegays, culls out two, one for herself, +another for me, and pulling out half a crown, very currently gives it +him to change, as if she had really expected he could have changed it: +but the boy, scratching his head, made his signs explain his inability +in place of words, which he could not, with all his struggles, +articulate. + +Louisa, at this, says: “Well, my lad, come up stairs with me, and I +will give you your due,” winking at the same time to me, and beckoning +me to accompany her, which I did, securing first the street-door, that +by this means, together with the shop, became wholly the care of the +faithful house-maid. + +As we went up, Louisa whispered me “that she had conceived a strange +longing to be satisfied, whether the general rule held good with regard +to this changeling, and how far nature had made him amends, in her best +bodily gifts, for her denial of the sublimer intellectual ones; begin, +at the same time, my assistance in procuring her this satisfaction.” A +want of complaisance was never my vice, and I was so far from opposing +this extravagant frolic, that now, bit with the same maggot, and my +curiosity conspiring with hers, I entered plump into it, on my own +account. + +Consequently, soon as we came into Louisa’s bed-chamber, whilst she was +amusing him with picking out his nosegays, I undertook the lead, and +began the attack. As it was not then very material to keep much +measures with a mere natural, I made presently free with him, though at +my first motion of meddling, his surprise and confusion made him +receive my advances but awkwardly: nay, insomuch that he bashfully +shied, and shied back a little; till encouraging him with my eyes, +plucking him playfully by the hair, sleeking his cheeks, and forwarding +my point by a number of little wantonnesses, I soon turned him +familiar, and gave nature her sweetest alarm: so that aroused, and +beginning to feel himself, we could, amidst all the innocent laugh and +grin I had provoked him into, perceive the fire lighting in his eyes, +and, diffusing over his cheeks, blend its glow with that of his +blushes. The emotion in short of animal pleasure glared distinctly in +the simpleton’s countenance; yet struck with the novelty of the scene, +he did not know which way to look or move; but tame, passive, +simpering, with his mouth half open, in stupid rapture, stood and +tractably suffered me to do what I pleased with him. His basket was +dropt out of his hands, which Louisa took care of. + +I had now, through more than one rent, discovered and felt his thighs, +the skin of which seemed the smoother and fairer for the coarseness, +and even the dirt of his dress, as the teeth of negroes seem the whiter +for the surrounded black; and poor indeed of habit, poor of +understanding, he was, however, abundantly rich in personal treasures, +such as flesh, firm, plump, and replete with the juices of youth, and +robust well-knit limbs. My fingers too had now got within reach of the +true, the genuine sensitive plant, which, instead of shrinking from the +touch, joys to meet it, and swells and vegetates under it: mine +pleasingly informed me that matters were so ripe for the discovery we +meditated, that they were too mighty for the confinement they were +ready to break. A waistband that I unskewered, and a rag of a shirt +that I removed, and which could not have covered a quarter of it, +revealed the whole of the idiot’s standard of distinction, erect, in +full pride and display: but such a one! it was positively of so +tremendous a size, that prepared as we were to see something +extraordinary, it still, out of measure, surpassed our expectation, and +astonished even me, who had not been used to trade in trifles. In fine, +it might have answered very well the making a skew of; its enormous +head seemed, in hue and size, not unlike a common sheep’s heart; then +you might have trolled dice securely along the broad back of the body +of it; the length of it too was prodigious; then the rich appendage of +the treasure-bag beneath, large in proportion, gathered and crisped up +round in shallow furrows, helped to fill the eye, and complete the +proof of his being a natural, not quite in vain; since it was full +manifest that he inherited, and largely too, the prerogative of majesty +which distinguishes that otherwise most unfortunate condition, and gave +rise to the vulgar saying “That a fool’s bauble is a lady’s +playfellow.” Not wholly without reason: for, generally speaking, it is +in love as it is in war, where the longest weapon carries it. Nature, +in short, had done so much for him in those parts, that she perhaps +held herself acquitted in doing so little for his head. + +For my part, who had sincerely no intention to push the joke further +than simply satisfying my curiosity with the sight of it alone, I was +content, in spite of the temptation that stared me in the face, with +having raised a May-pole for another to hang a garland on: for, by this +time, easily reading Louisa’s desires in her wishful eyes, I acted the +commodious part, and made her, who sought no better sport, significant +terms of encouragement to go through stitch with her adventure; +intimating too that I would stay and see fair play: in which, indeed, I +had in view to humour a new born curiosity, to observe what appearances +active nature would put on in a natural, in the course of this her +darling operation. + +Louisa, whose appetite was up, and who, like the industrious bee, was, +it seems, not above gathering the sweet of so rare a flower, though she +found it planted on a dunghill, was but too readily disposed to take +the benefit of my cession. Urged then strongly by her own desires, and +emboldened by me, she presently determined to risk a trial of parts +with the idiot, who was by this time nobly inflamed for her purpose, by +all the irritation we had used to put the principles of pleasure +effectually into motion, and to wind up the springs of its organ to +their supreme pitch; and it stood accordingly stiff and straining, +ready to burst with the blood and spirits that swelled it... to a bulk! +No! I shall never forget it. + +Louisa then, taking and holding the fine handle that so invitingly +offered itself, led the ductile youth, by that mastertool of his, as +she stept backward towards the bed; which he joyfully gave way to, +under the incitations of instinct, and palpably delivered up to the +goad of desire. + +Stopped then by the bed, she took the fall she loved, and leaned to the +most, gently backward upon it, still holding fast what she held, and +taking care to give her clothes a convenient toss up, so that her +thighs duly disclosed, and elevated, laid open all the outward prospect +of the treasury of love: the rose-lipt overture presenting the cockpit +so fair, that it was not in nature even for a natural to miss it. Nor +did he: for Louisa, fully bent on grappling with it, and impatient of +dalliance or delay, directed faithfully the point of the +battering-piece, and bounded up with a rage of so voracious appetite, +to meet and favour the thrust of insertion, that the fierce activity on +both sides effected it with such pain of distention, that Louisa cried +out violently, that she was hurt beyond bearing, that she was killed. +But it was too late: the storm was up, and force was on her to give way +to it; for now the man-machine, strongly worked upon by the sensual +passion, felt so manfully his advantages and superiority, felt withal +the sting of pleasure so intolerable, that maddening with it, his joys +began to assume a character of furiousness, which made me tremble for +the too tender Louisa. He seemed, at this juncture, greater than +himself; his countenance, before so void of meaning, or expression, now +grew big with the importance of the act he was upon. In short, it was +not now that he was to be played the fool with. But, what is pleasant +enough, I myself was awed into a sort of respect for him, by the comely +terrors his motions dressed him in: his eyes shooting sparks of fire; +his face glowing with ardours that gave another life to it; his teeth +churning; his whole frame agitated with a raging ungovernable +impetuosity: all sensibly betraying the formidable fierceness with +which the genial instinct acted upon him. Butting then and goring all +before him, and mad and wild like an ower-driven steer, he ploughs up +the tender furrow all insensible to Louisa’s complaints; nothing can +stop, nothing can keep out a fury like his: with which, having once got +its head in, its blind rage soon made way for the rest, piercing, +rending, and breaking open all obstruction. The torn, split, wounded +girl cries, struggles, invokes me to her rescue, and endeavours to get +from under the young savage, or shake him off, but alas! in vain: her +breath, might as soon have strength to have quelled his rough assault, +or put him out of his course. And indeed, all her efforts and struggles +were managed with such disorder, that they served rather to entangle, +and fold her the faster in the twine of his boisterous arms; so that +she was tied to the stake, and obliged to fight the match out, if she +died for it. For his part, instinct-ridden as he was, the expressions +of his animal passion, partaking something of ferocity, were rather +worrying than kisses, intermixed with ravenous love-bites on her cheeks +and necks, the prints of which did not wear out for some days after. + +Poor Louisa, however, bore up at length better than could have been +expected: and though she suffered, and greatly too, yet, ever true to +the good old cause, she suffered with pleasure and enjoyed her pain. +And soon now, by dint of an enraged enforcement, the brute-machine, +driven like a whirlwind, made all smoke again, and wedging its way up, +to the utmost extremity, left her, in point of penetration, nothing to +fear or to desire: and now, + +“Gorged with the dearest morsel of the earth,” +(Shakespeare.) + + +Louisa lay, pleased to the heart, pleased to her utmost capacity of +being so, with every fibre in those parts, stretched almost to +breaking, on a rack of joy, whilst the instrument of all this +over-fullness searched her senses with its sweet excess, till the +pleasure gained upon her so, its point stung her so home, that catching +at length the rage from her furious driver and sharing the riot of his +wild rapture, she went wholly out of her mind into that favourite part +of her body, the whole intenseness of which was so fervously filled, +and employed: there alone she existed, all lost in those delirious +transports, those extasies of the senses, which her winking eyes, the +brightened vermilion of her lips and cheeks, and sighs of pleasure +deeply fetched, so pathetically expressed. In short, she was now as +mere a machine as much wrought on, and had her motions as little at her +own command, as the natural himself, who, thus broke in upon her, made +her feel with a vengeance his tempestuous mettle he battered with; +their active loins quivered again with the violence of their conflict, +till the surge of pleasure, foaming and raging to a height, drew down +the pearly shower that was, to allay this hurricane. The purely +sensitive idiot then first shed those tears of joy that attend its last +moments, not without an agony of delight, and even almost a roar of +rapture, as the gush escaped him; so sensibly too for Louisa, that she +kept him faithful company, going off, in consent, with the old +symptoms: a delicious delirium, a tremendous convulsive shudder, and +the critical dying: Oh! And now, on his getting off she lay +pleasure-drenched, and regorging its essential sweets; but quite spent, +and gasping for breath, without other sensation of life than in those +exquisite vibrations that trembled still on the strings of delight; +which had been too intensively touched, and which nature had so +ravishingly stirred with, for the senses to be quickly at peace from. + +As for the changeling, whose curious engine had been thus successfully +played off, his shift of countenance and gesture had even something +droll, or rather tragi-comic in it: there was now an air of sad +repining foolishness, superadded to his natural one of no meaning and +idiotism, as he stood with his label of manhood, now lank, unstiffened, +becalmed, and flapping against his thighs, down which it reached half +way, terrible even in its fall, whilst under the dejection of spirit +and flesh, which naturally followed his eyes, by turns, cast down +towards his struck standard, or piteously lifted to Louisa, seemed to +require at her hands what he had so sensibly parted from to her, and +now ruefully missed. But the vigour of nature, soon returning, +dissipated the blast of faintness which the common law of enjoyment had +subjected him to; and now his basket re-became his main concern, which +I looked for, and brought him, whilst Louisa restored his dress to its +usual condition, and afterwards pleased him perhaps more by taking all +his flowers off his hands, and paying him, at his rate, for them, than +if she had embarrassed him by a present, that he would have been +puzzled to account for, and might have put others on tracing the +motives of. + +Whether she ever returned to the attack I know not, and, to say truth, +I believe not. She had had her freak out, and had pretty plentifully +drowned her curiosity in a glut of pleasure, which, as it happened, had +no other consequence than that the lad, who retained only a confused +memory of the transaction, would, when he saw her, forget her in favour +of the next woman, tempted, on the report of his parts, to take him in. +Louisa herself did not long outstay this adventure at Mrs. Cole’s (to +whom, by the bye, we took care not to boast of our exploit, till all +fear of consequences were clearly over): for an occasion presenting +itself of proving her passion for a young fellow, at the expense of her +discretion, proceeding all in character, she packed up her toilet, at +half a day’s warning, and went with him abroad, since which I entirely +lost sight of her, and it never fell in my way to hear what became of +her. + +But a few days after she had left us, two very occasion, not to wrong +our training at Mrs. Cole’s, especially favourites, and free of her +academy, easily obtained her consent for Emily’s and my acceptance of a +party of pleasure, at a little but agreeable house, belonging to one of +them situated not far up the river Thames, on the Surrey side. + +Every thing being settled, and it being a fine summer day, but rather +of the warmest, we set out after dinner, and got to our rendezvous +about four in the afternoon; where, landing at the foot of a neat, +joyous pavilion, Emily and I were handed into it by our esquires, and +there drank tea with a cheerfulness and gaiety, that the beauty of the +prospect, the serenity of the weather, and the tender politeness of our +sprightly gallants, naturally led us into. + +After tea, and taking a turn in the garden, my particular, who was the +master of the house, and had in no sense schemed this party of pleasure +for a dry one, proposed to us, with that frankness which his +familiarity at Mrs. Cole’s entitled him to, as the weather was +excessively hot, to bathe together, under a commodious shelter that he +had prepared expressly for that purpose, in a creek of the river, with +which a side-door of the pavilion immediately communicated, and where +we might be sure of having our diversion out, safe from interruption, +and with the utmost privacy. + +Emily, who never refused anything, and I, who ever delighted in +bathing, and had no exception to the person who proposed it, or to +those pleasure it was easy to guess it implied, took care, on this +occasion, not to wrong our training at Mrs. Cole’s, and agreed to it +with as good a grace as we could. Upon which, without loss of time, we +returned instantly to the pavilion, one door of which opened into a +tent, pitched before it, that with its marquise, formed a pleasing +defense again the sun, or the weather, and was besides as private as we +could wish. The lining of it, embossed cloth, represented a wild forest +foliage, from the top, down to the sides, which, in the same stuff, +were figured with fluted pilasters, with their spaces between filled +with flower vases, the whole having a pay effect croon the eye, +wherever you turned it. + +Then it reached sufficiently into the water, yet contained convenient +benches round it, on the dry ground, either to keep our clothes, or..., +or..., in short for more uses than resting upon. There was a side-table +too, loaded with sweetmeats, jellies, and other eatables, and bottles +of wine and cordials, by way of occasional relief from any rawness, or +chill of the water, or from any faintness from whatever cause; and in +fact, my gallant, who understood _chère entiêre_ perfectly, and who, +for taste (even if you would not approve this specimen of it) might +have been comptroller of pleasures to a Roman emperor, had left no +requisite towards convenience or luxury unprovided. + +As soon as we had looked round this inviting spot, and every +preliminary of privacy was duly settled, strip was the word: when the +young gentlemen soon dispatched the undressing each his partner and +reduced us to the naked confession of all those secrets of person which +dress generally hides, and which the discovery of was, naturally +speaking, not to our disadvantage. Our hands, indeed, mechanically +carried towards the most interesting part of us, screened, at first, +all from the tufted cliff downwards, till we took them away at their +desire, and employed them in doing them the same office, of helping off +with their clothes; in the process of which, there passed all the +little wantonnesses and frolics that you may easily imagine. + +As for my spark, he was presently undressed, all to his shirt, the +fore-lappet of which as he leaned languishingly on me, he smilingly +pointed to me to observe, as it bellied out, or rose and fell, +according to the unruly starts of the motion behind it; but it was soon +fixed, for now taking off his shirt, and naked as a Cupid, he shewed it +me at so upright a stand, as prepared me indeed for his application to +me for instant ease; but, though the sight of its fine size was fit +enough to fire me, the cooling air, as I stood in this state of nature, +joined to the desire I had of bathing-first, enabled me to put him off, +and tranquillize him, with the remark, that a little suspense would +only set a keener edge on the pleasure. Leading them the way, and +shewing our friends an example of continency, which they were giving +signs of losing respect to, we went hand in hand into the stream, till +it took us up to our necks, where the no more than grateful coolness of +the water gave my senses a delicious refreshment from the sultriness of +the season, and made more alive, more happy in myself, and, in course, +more alert, and open to voluptuous impressions. + +Here I laved and wantoned with the water, or sportively played with my +companion, leaving Emily to deal with hers at discretion. Mine, at +length, not content with making me take the plunge over head and ears, +kept splashing me, and provoking me with all the little playful tricks +he could devise, and which I strove not to remain in his debt for. We +gave, in short, a loose to mirth; and now, nothing would serve him but +giving his hand the regale of going over every part of me, neck, +breast, belly, thighs, and all the _et cætera_, so dear to the +imagination, under the pretext of washing and rubbing them; as we both +stood in the water, no higher now than the pit of our stomachs, and +which did not hinder him from feeling, and toying with that leak that +distinguishes our sex, and it so wonderfully water-tight: for his +fingers, in vain dilating and opening it, only let more flame than +water into it, be it said without a figure. At the same time he made me +feel his own engine, which was so well wound up, as to stand even the +working in water, and he accordingly threw one arm round my neck, and +was endeavouring to get the better of that harsher construction bred by +the surrounding fluid; and had in effect one his way so far as to make +me sensible of the pleasing stretch of those nether lips, from the +in-driving machine; when, independent of my not liking that awkward +mode of enjoyment, I could not help interrupting him, in order to +become joint spectators of a plan of joy, in hot operation between +Emily and her partner; who impatient of the fooleries and dalliance of +the bath, had led his nymph to one of the benches on the green bank, +where he was very cordially proceeding to teach her the difference +betwixt jest and earnest. + +There, setting her on his knee, and gliding one hand over the surface +of that smooth polished snow-white skin of hers, which now doubly shone +with a dew-bright lustre, and presented to the touch something like +what one would imagine of animated ivory, especially in those +ruby-nippled globes, which the touch is so fond of and delights to make +love to, with the other he was lusciously exploring the sweet secret of +nature, in order to make room for a stately piece of machinery, that +stood up-reared, between her thighs, as she continued sitting on his +lap, and pressed hard for instant intromission, which the tender Emily, +in a fit of humour deliciously protracted, affected to decline, and +elude the very pleasure she sighed for, but in a style of waywardness, +so prettily put on, and managed, as to render it ten times more +poignant; then her eyes, all amidst the softest dying languishment, +expressed, ait once a mock denial and extreme desire, whilst her +sweetness was zested with a coyness so pleasingly provoking, her moods +of keeping him off were so attractive, that they redoubled the +impetuous rage with, which, he covered her with kisses: and kisses +that, whilst she seemed to shy from or scuffle for, the cunning wanton +contrived such sly returns, of, as were, doubtless the sweeter for the +gust she gave them, of being stolen ravished. + +Thus Emily, who knew no art but that which nature itself, in favour of +her principal end, pleasure, had inspired her with, the art of +yielding, coy’d it indeed, but coy’d it to the purpose; for with all +her straining, her wrestling, and striving to break from the clasp of +his arms, she was so far wiser yet than to mean it, that in her +struggles, it was visible she aimed at nothing more than multiplying +points of touch with him, and drawing yet closer the folds that held +them every where entwined, like two tendrils of a vine intercurling: +together: so that the same effect, as when Louisa strove in good +earnest to disengage from the idiot, was now produced by different +motives. + +Mean while, their emersion out of the cold water had caused a general +glow, a tender suffusion of heightened carnation over their bodies; +both equally white and smooth-skinned; so that as their limbs were thus +amorously interwoven, in sweet confusion, it was scarce possible to +distinguish who they respectively belonged to, but for the brawnier, +bolder muscles of the stronger sex. + +In a little time, however, the champion was fairly in with her, and had +tied at all points the true lover’s knot; when now, adieu all the +little refinements of a finessed reluctance; adieu the friendly feint! +She was presently driven forcibly out of the power of using any art; +and indeed, what art must not give way, when nature, corresponding with +her assailant, invaded in the heart of her capital and carried by +storm, lay at the mercy of the proud conqueror, who had made his entry +triumphantly and completely? Soon, however, to become a tributary: for +the engagement growing hotter and hotter, at close quarters, she +presently brought him to the pass of paying down the dear debt to +nature; which she had no sooner collected in, but, like a duellist who +has laid his antagonist at his feet, when he has himself received a +mortal wound, Emily had scarce time to plume herself upon her victory, +but, shot with the same discharge, she, in a loud expiring sigh, in the +closure of her eyes, the stretch-out of her limbs, and a remission of +her whole frame, gave manifest signs that all was as it should be. + +For my part, who had not with the calmest patience stood in the water +all this time, to view this warm action, I leaned tenderly on my +gallant, and at the close of it, seemed to ask him with my eyes, what +he thought of it; but he, more eager to satisfy me by his actions than +by words or looks, as we shoaled the water towards the shore, showed me +the staff of love so intensely set up, that had not even charity, +beginning at home in this case, urged me to our mutual relief, it would +have been cruel indeed to have suffered the youth to burst with +straining, when the remedy was so obvious and so near at hand. + +Accordingly we took a bench, whilst Emily and her spark, who belonged +it seems to the sea, stood at the side-board, drinking to our good +voyage: for, as the last observed, we were well under weigh, with a +fair wind up channel, and full-freighted; nor indeed were we long +before we finished our trip to Cythera, and unloaded in the old haven; +but, as the circumstances did not admit of much variation, I shall +spare you the description. + +At the same time, allow me to place you here an excuse I am conscious +of owing you, for having, perhaps, too much affected the figurative +style; though surely, it can pass nowhere more allowable than in a +subject which is so properly the province of poetry, nay, is poetry +itself, pregnant with every flower of imagination and loving metaphors, +even were not the natural expressions, for respects of fashion and +sound, necessarily forbidden. + +Resuming now my history, you may please to know, that what with a +competent number of repetitions, all in the same strain (and, by the +bye, we have a certain natural sense that those repetitions are very +much to the taste), what with a circle of pleasures delicately varied, +there was not a moment lost to joy all the time we staid there, till +late in the night we were re-escorted home by our esquires, who +delivered us safe to Mrs. Cole, with generous thanks for our company. + +This too was Emily’s last adventure in our way: for scarce a week +after, she was, by an accident too trivial to detail to you the +particulars, found out by her parents, who were in good circumstances, +and who had been punished for their partiality to their son, in the +loss of him, occasioned by a circumstance of their over indulgence to +his appetite; upon which the so long engrossed stream of fondness, +running violently in favour of this lost and inhumanly abandoned child +whom if they had not neglected enquiry about, they might long before +have recovered, they were now so over-joyed at the retrieval of her, +that, I presume, it made them much less strict in examining the bottom +of things: for they seemed very glad to take for granted, in the lump, +every thing that the grave and decent Mrs. Cole was pleased to pass +upon them; and soon afterwards sent her, from the country, handsome +acknowledgment. + +But it was not so easy to replace to our community the loss of so sweet +a member of it: for, not to mention her beauty, she was one of those +mild, pliant characters, that if one does not entirely esteem, one can +scarce help loving, which is not such a bad compensation neither. Owing +all her weaknesses to good nature, and an indolent facility that kept +her too much at the mercy of first impressions, she had just sense +enough to know that she wanted leading strings, and thought herself so +much obliged to any who would take the pains to think for her, and +guide her, that with a very little management, she was capable of being +made a most agreeable, nay a most virtuous wife: for vice, it is +probable, had never been her choice, or her fate, if it had not been +for occasion, or example, or had she not depended less upon herself +than upon her circumstances. This presumption her conduct afterwards +verified: for presently meeting with a match, that was ready cut and +dry for her, with a neighbour’s son of her own rank, and a young man of +sense and order, who took as the widow of one lost at sea (for so it +seems one of her gallants, whose name she had made free with, really +was), she naturally struck into all the duties of her domestic life, +with as much simplicity of affection, with as much constancy and +regularity, as if she had never swerved from a state of undebauched +innocence from her youth. + +These desertions had, however, now so far thinned Mrs. Cole’s cluck +that she was left with only me, like a hen with one chicken; but though +she was earnestly entreated and encouraged to recruit her crops, her +growing infirmities, and, above all, the tortures, of a stubborn hip +gout, which she found would yield to no remedy, determined her to break +up her business, and retire with a decent pittance into the country, +where I promised myself, nothing so sure, as my going down to live with +her, as soon as I had seen a little more of life, and improved my small +matters into a competency that would create in me an independence on +the world: for I was now, thanks to Mrs. Cole, wise enough to keep that +essential in view. + +Thus was I then to lose my faithful preceptress, as did the +philosophers of the town the white crow of her profession. For besides +that she never ransacked her customers, whose tastes too she ever +studiously consulted, she never racked her pupils with unconscionable +extortions, nor ever put their hard earnings, as she called them, under +the contribution of poundage. She was a severe enemy to the seduction +for innocence, and confined her acquisitions solely to those +unfortunate young women, who, having lost it, were but the juster +objects of compassion: among these, indeed, she picked out such as +suited her views and taking them under her protection, rescued them +from the danger of the public sinks of ruin and misery, to place, or +for them, well or ill, in the manner you have seen. Having then settled +her affairs, she set out on her journey, after taking the most tender +leave of me, and at the end of some excellent instructions, +recommending me to myself, with an anxiety perfectly maternal. In +short, she affected me so much, that I was not presently reconciled to +myself for suffering her at any rate to go without me; but fate had, it +seems, otherwise disposed of me. + +I had, on my separation from Mrs. Cole, taken a pleasant convenient +house at Marylebone, but easy to rent and manage from its smallness, +which I furnished neatly and modestly. There, with a reserve of eight +hundred pounds, the fruit of my deference to Mrs. Cole’s counsels, +exclusive of clothes, some jewels, and some plate, I saw myself in +purse for a long time, to wait without impatience for what the chapter +of accidents might produce in my favour. + +Here, under the new character of a young gentlewoman whose husband was +gone to sea, I had marked me out such lines of life and conduct, as +leaving me a competent liberty to pursue my views either out of +pleasure or fortune, bounded me nevertheless strictly within the rules +of decency and discretion: a disposition, in which you cannot escape +observing a true pupil of Mrs. Cole. + +I was scarce, however, well warm in my new abode, when going out one +morning pretty early to enjoy the freshness of it, in the pleasing +outlet of the fields, accompanied only by a maid, whom I had newly +hired, as we were carelessly walking among the trees, we were alarmed +with the noise of a violent coughing: turning our heads towards which, +we distinguished a plain well dressed elderly gentleman, who, attacked +with a sudden fit, was so much overcome, as to be forced to give way to +it and sit down at the foot of a tree, where he seemed suffocating with +the severity of it, being perfectly black in the face; not less moved +than frightened with which, I flew on the instant to his relief, and +using the rote of practice I had observed on the like occasion, I +loosened his cravat and clapped him on the back; but whether to any +purpose, or whether the cough had had its course, I know not, but the +fit immediately went off; and now recovered to his speech and legs, he +returned me thanks with as much emphasis as if I had saved his life. +This naturally engaging a conversation, he acquainted me where he +lived, which was at a considerable distance from where I met him, and +where he had strayed insensibly on the same intention of a morning +walk. + +He was, as I afterwards learned in the course of the intimacy which +this little accident gave birth to, an old bachelor, turned of sixty, +but of a fresh vigorous complexion, insomuch that he scarce marked five +and forty, having never racked his constitution by permitting his +desires to over-tax his ability. + +As to his birth and conditions, his parents, honest and failed +mechanics, had, by the best traces he could get of them, left him an +infant orphan on the parish; so that it was from a charity-school, +that, by honesty and industry, he made his way into a merchant’s +counting house, from whence, being sent to a house in Cadiz, he there, +by his talents and activity, acquired not only a fortune, but an +immense one, with which he returned to his native country; where he +could not, however, fish out so much as one single relation out of the +obscurity he was born in. Taking then a taste for refinement, and +pleased to enjoy life, like a mistress in the dark, he flowed his days +in all the ease of opulence, without the least parade of it; and, +rather studying the concealment than the shew of a fortune, looked down +on a world he perfectly knew himself, to his wish, unknown and unmarked +by. + +But, as I propose to devote a letter entirely to the pleasure of +retracing to you all the particulars of my acquaintance with this ever, +to me, memorable friend, I shall, in this, transiently touch on no more +than may serve, as mortar, to cement, or form the connection of my +history, and to obviate your surprise that one of my blood and relish +of life, should count a gallant of three score such a catch. + +Referring then to a more explicit narrative, to explain by what +progressions our acquaintance, certainly innocent at first, insensibly +changed nature, and run into unplatonic length, as might well be +expected from one of my condition of life, and above all, from that +principle of electricity that scarce ever fails of producing fire when +the sexes meet. I shall only here acquaint you, that as age had not +subdued his tenderness for our sex, neither had it robbed him of the +power of pleasing, since whatever he wanted in the bewitching charms of +youth, he atoned for, or supplemented with the advantages of +experience, the sweetness of his manners, and above all, his flattering +address in touching the heart, by an application to the understanding. +From him it was I first learned, to any purpose, and not without +infinite pleasure, that I had such a portion of me worth bestowing some +regard on; from him I received my first essential encouragement, and +instructions how to put it in that train of cultivation, which I have +since pushed to the little degree of improvement you see it at; he it +was, who first taught me to be sensible that the pleasures of the mind +were superior to those of the body; at the same time, that they were so +far from obnoxious to, or, incompatible with each other, that, besides +the sweetness in the variety and transition, the one served to exalt +and perfect the taste of the other, to a degree that the senses alone +can never arrive at. + +Himself a rational pleasurist; as being much too wise to be ashamed of +the pleasures of humanity, loved me indeed, but loved me with dignity; +in a mean equally removed from the sourness, of forwardness, by which +age is unpleasingly characterized, and from that childish silly dotage +that so often disgraces it, and which he himself used to turn into +ridicule, and compare to an old goat affecting the frisk of a young +kid. + +In short, every thing that is generally unamiable in his season of +life, was, in him, repaired by so many advantages, that he existed a +proof, manifest at least to me, that it is not out of the power of age +to please, if it lays out to please, and if, making just allowance, +those in that class do not forget, that if must cost them more pains +and attention, than what youth, the natural spring-time of joy, stands +in need of: as fruits out of season require proportionally more skill +and cultivation, to force them. + +With this gentleman, who took me home soon after our acquaintance +commenced, I lived near eight months in which time, my constant +complaisance and docility, my attention to deserve his confidence and +love, and a conduct, in general, devoid of the least art and founded on +my sincere regard and esteem for him, won and attached him so firmly to +me, that, after having generously trusted me with a genteel, +independent settlement, proceeding to heap marks of affection on me, he +appointed me, by an authentic will, his sole heiress and executrix: a +disposition which he did not outlive two months, being taken from me by +a violent cold that he contracted, as he unadvisedly ran to the window, +on an alarm of fire at some streets distant, and stood there +naked-breasted, and exposed to the fatal impressions of a damp night +air. + +After acquitting myself of the duty towards my deceased benefactor, and +paying him a tribute of un-feigned sorrow, which a little time changed +into a most tender, graceful memory of him, which I shall ever retain, +I grew somewhat comforted by the prospect that now opened to me, if not +of happiness, at least of affluence and independence. + +I saw myself then in the full bloom and pride of youth (for I was not +yet nineteen), actually at the head of so large a fortune, as it would +have been even the height of impudence in me to have raised my wishes, +much more my hopes to; and that this unexpected elevation did not turn +my head, I owed to the pains my benefactor had taken to form and +prepare me for it, as I owed his opinion of my management of the vast +possessions he left me, to what he had observed of the prudential +economy I had learned under Mrs. Cole, the reserve of which he saw I +had made, was a proof and encouragement to him. + +But, alas! how easily in the enjoyment of the greatest sweets in life, +in present possession, poisoned by the regret of an absent one! But my +regret was a mighty and just one, since it had my only truly beloved +Charles for its object. + +Given him up I had, indeed, completely, having never once heard from +him since our separation; which, as I found afterwards, had been my +misfortune, and not his neglect, for he wrote me several letters which +had all miscarried; but forgotten him I never had. And amidst all my +personal infidelities, not one had made a pin’s point impression on a +heart impenetrable to the true love passion, but for him. + +As soon, however, as I was mistress of this unexpected fortune, I felt +more than ever how dear he was to me, from its insufficiency to make me +happy, whilst he was not to share it with me. My earliest care, +consequently, was to endeavour at getting some account of him; but all +my researches produced me no more light, than that his father had been +dead for some time, not so well as even with the world; and that +Charles had reached his port of destination in the South Seas, where, +finding the estate he was sent to recover, dwindled to a trifle, by the +loss of two ships in which the bulk of his uncle’s fortune lay, he was +come away with the small remainder, and might, perhaps, according to +the best advice, in a few months return to England, from whence he had, +at the time of this my inquiry, been absent two years and seven months. +A little eternity in love! + +You cannot conceive with what joy I embraced the hopes thus given me of +seeing the delight of my heart again. But, as the term of months was +assigned it, in order to divert and amuse my impatience for his return, +after settling my affairs with much ease and security, I set out on a +journey for Lancashire, with an equipage suitable to my fortune, and +with a design purely to revisit my place of nativity, for which I could +not help retaining a great tenderness; and might naturally not be sorry +to shew myself there, to the advantage I was now in pass to do, after +the report Esther Davis had spread of my being spirited away to the +plantations; for on no other supposition could she account for the +suppression of myself to her, since her leaving me so abruptly at the +inn. Another favourite intention I had, to look out for my relations, +though I had none but distant ones, and prove a benefactress to them. +Then Mrs. Cole’s place of retirement lying in my way, was not amongst +the least of the pleasures I had proposed to myself in this expedition. + +I had taken nobody with me but a discreet decent woman, to figure it as +my companion, besides my servants; and was scarce got into an inn, +about twenty miles from London, where I was to sup and pass the night, +when such a storm of wind and rain come on, as made me congratulate +myself on having got under shelter before it began. + +This had continued a good half an hour, when bethinking me of some +directions to be given to the coachman, I sent for him, not caring that +his shoes should soil the very clean parlour, in which the cloth was +laid, I stept into the hall kitchen, where he was, and where, whilst I +was talking to him, I slantingly observed two horsemen driven in by the +weather, and both wringing wet; one of whom was asking if they could +not be assisted with a change, while their clothes were dried. But, +heavens! who can express what I felt at the sound of a voice, ever +present to my heart, and that it now rebounded at! or when pointing my +eyes towards the person it came from, they confirmed its information, +in spite of so long an absence, and of a dress one would have studied +for a disguise: a horseman’s great coat, with a stamp-up cape, and his +hat flapped... but what could escape the alertness of a sense truly +guided by love? A transport then like mine was above all consideration, +or schemes of surprise; and I, that instant, with the rapidity of the +emotions that I felt the spur of, shot into his arms, crying out, as I +threw mine round his neck: “My life!... my soul!... my Charles!..” and +without further power of speech, swooned away, under the pressing +agitation of joy and surprise. + +Recovered out of my entrancement, I found myself in my charmer’s arms, +but in the parlour, surrounded by a crowd which this event had gathered +round us, and which immediately, on a signal from the discreet +landlady, who currently took him for my husband, cleared the room, and +desirably left us alone to the raptures of this reunion; my joy at +which had like to have proved, at the expense of my life, its power +superior to that of grief at our fatal separation. + +The first object then, that my eyes opened on, was their supreme idol, +and my supreme wish, Charles, on one knee, holding me fast by the hand +and gazing on me with a transport of fondness. Observing my recovery, +he attempted to speak, and give vent to his patience of hearing my +voice again, to satisfy him once more that it was I; but the mightiness +and suddenness of the surprise continuing to stun him, choked his +utterance: he could only stammer out a few broken, half-formed, +filtering accents, which my ears greedily drinking in, spelt, and put +together, so as to make out their sense: “After so long!... so cruel an +absence!... my dearest Fanny!... can it?... can it be you?...” stifling +me at the time with kisses, that, stopping my opening mouth, at once +prevented the answer that he panted for, and increased the delicious +disorder in which all my senses were rapturously lost. However, amidst +this crowd of ideas, and all blissful ones, there obtruded only one +cruel doubt that poisoned nearly all the transcendant happiness: and +what was it, but my dread of its being too excessive to be real? I +trembled now with my fear of its being no more than a dream, and of +waking out of it into the horrors of finding it one. Under this fond +apprehension, imagining I could not make too much of the present +prodigious joy, before it would vanish and leave me in the desert +again, nor verify its reality too strongly, I clung to him, I clasped +him, as if to hinder him from escaping me again: “Where have you +been?... how could you... could you leave me?... Say you are still +mine... that you still love me... and thus! thus!” (kissing him as if I +would consolidated lips with him) “I forgive you... forgive my hard +fortune in favour of this restoration.” + +All these interjections breaking from me, in that wildness of +expression that justly passes for eloquence in love, drew from him all +the returns my fond heart could wish or require. Our caresses, our +questions, our answers, for some time observed no order; all crossing, +or interrupting one another in sweet confusion, whilst we exchanged +hearts at our eyes, and renewed the ratifications of a love unabated by +time or absence: not a breath, not a motion, not a gesture on either +side, but what was strongly impressed with it. Our hands, locked in +each other, repeated the most passionate squeezes, so that their fiery +thrill went to the heart again. + +Thus absorbed, and concentered in this unutterable delight, I had not +attended to the sweet author of it being thoroughly wet, and in danger +of catching cold; when, in good time, the landlady, whom the appearance +of my equipage (which, bye the bye Charles knew nothing of) had gained +me an interest in, for me and mine interrupted us by bringing in a +decent shift of linen and clothes; which now, somewhat recovered into a +calmer composure by the coming in of a third person, I pressed him to +take the benefit of, with a tender concern and anxiety that made me +tremble for his health. + +The landlady leaving us again, he proceeded to shift; in the act of +which, though he proceeded with all that modesty which became these +first solemner instants of our re-meeting, after so long an absence, I +could not refrain certain snatches of my eyes, lured by the dazzling +discoveries of his naked skin, that escaped him as he changed his +linen, and which I could not observe the unfaded life and complexion of +without emotions of tenderness and joy, that had himself too purely for +their object, to partake of a loose or mis-timed desire. + +He was soon dressed in these temporary clothes, which neither fitted +him, nor became the light my passion placed him in, to me at least; +yet, as they were on him, they looked extremely well, in virtue of that +magic charm which love put into every thing that he touched, or had +relation to him: and where, indeed, was that dress that a figure like +his would not give grace to? For now, as I eyed him more in detail, I +could not but observe the even favourable alteration which the time of +his absence had produced in his person. + +There were still the requisite lineaments, still the same vivid +vermillion and bloom reigning in his face; but now the roses were more +fully blown; the tan of his travels, and a beard somewhat more +distinguishable, had, at the expense of no more delicacy than what he +could well spare, given it an air of becoming manliness and maturity, +that symmetrized nobly with that air of distinction and empire with +which nature had stamped it, in a rare mixture with the sweetness of +it; still nothing had he lost of that smooth plumpness of flesh, which, +glowing with freshness, blooms florid to the eye, and delicious to the +touch; then his shoulders were grown more square, his shape more +formed, more portly, but still free and airy. In short, his figure +showed riper, greater, and perfecter to the experienced eye, than in +his tender youth; and now he was not much more than two and twenty. + +In this interval, however, I picked out of the broken, often pleasingly +interrupted account of himself, that he was, at that instant, actually +on his road to London, in not a very paramount plight or condition, +having been wrecked on the Irish coast for which he had prematurely +embarked, and lost the little all he had brought with him from the +South Seas: so that he had not till after great shifts and hardships, +in the company of his fellow-traveller, the captain, got so far on his +journey; that so it was (having heard of his father’s death and +circumstances,) he had now the world to begin again, on a new account: +a situation, which he assured me, in a vein of sincerity, that flowing +from his heart, penetrated mine, gave him to farther pain, than that he +had not his power to make me as happy as he could wish. My fortune, you +will please to observe, I had not entered upon any overture of, +reserving, to feast myself with the surprise of it to him, in calmer +instants. And, as to my dress, it could give him no idea of the truth, +not only as it was mourning, but likewise in a style of plainness and +simplicity that I had ever kept to with studied art. He pressed me +indeed tenderly to satisfy his ardent curiosity, both with regard to my +past and present state of life, since his being torn away from me: but +I found means to elude his questions, by answers that shewing his +satisfaction at no great distance, won upon him to waive his +impatience, in favour of the thorough confidence he had in my not +delaying it, but for respect I should in good time acquaint him with. + +Charles, however, thus returned to my longing arms, tender, faithful, +and in health, was already a blessing too mighty for my conception: but +Charles in distress!... Charles reduced, and broken down to his naked +personal merit, was such a circumstance, in favour of the sentiments I +had for him, as exceeded my utmost desire; and accordingly I seemed so +visibly charmed, so out of time and measure pleased at his mention of +his ruined fortune, that he could account for it no way, but that the +joy of seeing him again had swallowed up every other sense of concern. + +In the mean time, my woman had taken, all possible care of Charles’s +travelling companion; and as supper was coming in, he was introduced to +me, when I received him as became my regard for all of Charles’s +acquaintance or friends. + +We four then supped together, in the style of joy, congratulation, and +pleasing disorder that you may guess. For my part, though all these +agitations had left me not the least stomach, but for that uncloying +feast, the sight of my adored youth, I endeavoured to force it, by way +of example for him, who I conjectured must want such a recruit after +riding; and, indeed, he; ate like a traveller, but gazed at, and +addressed me all the time like a lover. + +After the cloth was taken away, and the hour of repose came on, Charles +and I were, without further ceremony, in quality of man and wife, shown +up together to a very handsome apartment, and, all in course, the bed, +they said, the best in the inn. + +And here, Decency, forgive me! if once more I violate thy laws and +keeping the curtains undrawn, sacrifice thee for the last time to that +confidence, without reserve, with which I engaged to recount to you the +most striking circumstances of my youthful disorders. + +As soon, then, as we were in the room together, left to ourselves, the +sight of the bed starving the remembrance of our first joys, and the +thought of my being instantly to share it with the dear possessor of my +virgin heart, moved me so strongly, that it was well I leaned upon him, +or I must have fainted again under the overpowering sweet alarm. +Charles saw into my confusion, and forgot his own, that was scarce +less, to apply himself to the removal of mine. + +But now the true refining passion had regained throughout possession of +me, with all its train of symptoms: a sweet sensibility, a tender +timidity, love-sick yearnings tempered with diffidence and modesty, all +held me in a subjection of soul, incomparably dearer to me than the +liberty of heart which I had been long, too long! the mistress of, in +the course of those grosser gallantries, the consciousness of which now +made me sigh with a virtuous confusion and regret. No real virgin, in +short, in view of the nuptial bed, could give more bashful blushes to +unblemished innocence, than I did to a sense of guilt; and indeed I +loved Charles too truly not to feel severely that I did not deserve +him. + +As I kept hesitating and disconcerted under this soft distraction, +Charles, with a fond impatience, took the pains to undress me; and all +I can remember amidst the nutter and discomposure of my senses, was, +some flattering exclamation of joy and admiration, more specially at +the feel of my breasts, now set at liberty from my stays, and which +panting and rising in tumultous throbs, swelled upon his dear touch, +and gave it the welcome pleasure of finding them well formed, and +un-failed in firmness. + +I was soon laid in bed, and scarce languished an instant for the +darling partner of it, before he was undressed and got between the +sheets, with his arms clasped round me, giving and taking, with gust +inexpressible, a kiss of welcome, that my heart rising to my lips +stamped with its warmest impression, concurring to my bliss, with that +delicate and voluptuous emotion which Charles alone had the secret to +excite, and which constitutes the very life, the essence of pleasure. + +Mean while, two candles lighted on a side-table near us, and a joyous +wood fire, threw a light into the bed, that took from one sense, of +great importance to our joys, all pretext for complaining of its being +shut out of its share of them; and, indeed, the sight of my idolized +youth was alone, from the ardour with which I had wished for it, +without other circumstance, a pleasure to die of. + +But as action was now a necessity to desires so much on edge as ours, +Charles, after a very short prelusive dalliance, lifting up my linen +and his own, laid the broad treasures of his manly chest close to my +bosom, both beating with the tenderest alarms: when now, the sense of +his glowing body, in naked touch with mine, took all power over my +thoughts out of my own disposal, and delivered up every faculty of the +soul to the sensiblest of joys, that affecting me infinitely more with +my distinction of the person, than of the sex, now brought my heart +deliriously into play: my heart, which, eternally constant to Charles, +had never taken any part in my original sacrifices to the calls of +constitution, complaisance, or interest. But ah! what became of me, +when as the powers of solid pleasure thickened upon me, I could not +help feeling the stiff stake that had been adorned with the trophies of +my despoiled virginity, bearing hard and inflexible against one of my +thighs, which I had not yet opened, from a true principle of modesty, +revived by a passion too sincere to suffer any aiming at the false +merit of difficulty, or my putting on an impertinent mock coyness. + +I have, I believe, somewhere before remarked, that feel of that +favourite piece of manhood has, in the very nature of it, something +inimitably pathetic. Nothing can be dearer to the touch, nor can affect +it with a more delirious sensation. Think then! as a love thinks, what +must be the consummate transport of that quickest of our senses, in +their central seat too! when, after so long a deprival, it felt itself +re-inflamed under the pressure of that peculiar sceptre-member, which +commands us all: but especially my darling, elect from the face of the +whole earth. And now, at its mightiest point of stiffness, it felt to +me something so subduing so active, so solid and agreeable, that I know +not what name to give its singular impression: but the sentiment of +consciousness of its belonging to my supremely beloved youth, gave me +so pleasing an agitation, and worked so strongly on my soul, that it +sent all its sensitive spirits to that organ of bliss in me, dedicated +to its reception. There, concentering to a point, like rays in a +burning glass, they glowed, they burnt with the intensest heat; the +springs of pleasure were, in short, wound up to such a pitch, I panted +now with so exquisitely keen an appetite for the eminent enjoyment, +that I was even sick with desire, and unequal to support the +combination of two distinct ideas, that delightfully distracted me: for +all the thought I was capable of, was that I was now in touch, at once, +with the instrument of pleasure, and the great seal of love. Ideas +that, mingling streams, poured such an ocean of intoxicating bliss on a +weak vessel, all too narrow to contain it, that I lay overwhelmed, +absorbed, lost in an abyss of joy, and dying of nothing but immoderate +delight. + +Charles then roused me somewhat out of this ecstatic distraction, with +a complaint softly murmured, amidst a crowd of kisses, at the position, +not so favourable to his desires, in which I received his urgent +insistance for admission, where that insistance was alone so engrossing +a pleasure, that it made me inconsistently suffer a much dearer one to +be kept out; but how sweet to correct such a mistake! My thighs, now +obedient to the intimations of love and nature, gladly disclose, and +with a ready submission, resign up the soft gateway to the entrance of +pleasure: I see, I feel the delicious velvet tip!... he enters me might +and main, with... oh! my pen drops from here in the extasy now present +to my faithful memory! Description too deserts me, and delivers over a +task, above its strength of wing, to the imagination: but it must be an +imagination exalted by such a flame as mine that can do justice to that +sweetest, noblest of all sensations, that hailed and accompanied the +stiff insinuation all the way up, till it was at the end of its +penetration, sending up, through my eyes, the sparks of the love-fire +that ran all over me and blazed in every vein and every pore of me; a +system incarnate of joy all over. + +I had now totally taken in love’s true arrow from the point up to the +feather, in that part, where making no new wound, the lips or the +original one of nature, which had owed its first breathing to this dear +instrument, clung, as if sensible of gratitude, in eager suction round +it, whilst all its inwards embraced it tenderly, with a warmth of gust, +a compressive energy, that gave it, in its way, the heartiest welcome +in nature; every fibre there gathering tight round it, and straining +ambitiously to come in for its share of the blissful touch. + +As we were giving them a few moments pause to the the delectations of +the senses, in dwelling with the highest relish on this intimatest +point of re-union, and chewing the cud of enjoyment, the impatience +natural to the pleasure soon drove us into action. Then began the +driving tumult on his side, and the responsive heaves on mine, which +kept me up to him; whilst, as our joys grew too great for utterance, +the organs of our voices, voluptuously intermixing, became organs of +the touch... how delicious!... how poignantly luscious!... And now! now +I felt, to the heart of me! I felt the prodigious keen edge, with which +love, presiding over this act, points the pleasure: love! that may be +styled the Attic salt of enjoyment; and indeed, without it, the joy, +great as it is, is still a vulgar one, whether in a king or a beggar; +for it is, undoubtedly, love alone that refines, ennobles, and exalts +it. + +Thus, happy, then, by the heart, happy by the senses, it was beyond all +power, even of thought, to form the conception of a greater delight +than what I now am consummating the fruition of. + +Charles, whose whole frame was convulsed with the agitation of his +rapture, whilst the tenderest fires trembled in his eyes, all assured +me of a perfect concord of joy, penetrated me so profoundly, touched me +so vitally, took me so much out of my own possession, whilst he seemed +himself so much in mine, that in a delicious enthusiasm, I imagined +such a transfusion of heart and spirit, as that coalescing, and making +one body and soul with him, I was he, and he me. + +But all this pleasure tending, like life from its first instants, +towards its own dissolution, lived too fast not to bring on upon the +spur its delicious moment of mortality; for presently the approach of +the tender agony discovered itself by its usual signals, that were +quickly followed by my dear lover’s emanation of himself, that spun +out, and shot, feelingly indeed! up the ravished indraught: where the +sweetly soothing balmy titillation opened all the juices of joy on my +side, which ecstatically in flow helped to allay the prurient glow, and +drowned our pleasure for a while. Soon, however, to be on float again! +for Charles, true to nature’s laws, in one breath, expiring and +ejaculating, languished not long in the dissolving trance, but +recovering spirit again, soon gave me to feel that the true mettle +spring! of his instrument of pleasure, were, by love, and perhaps, by a +long vacation, wound up too high to be let down by a single explosion: +his stiffnesss till stood my friend. Resuming then the action afresh, +without dislodging, or giving me the trouble of parting from my sweet +tenant, we played over again the same opera, with the same harmony and +concert: our ardours, like our love, knew no remission; and all the +tide serving my lover, lavish of his stores, and pleasure-milked, he +over-flowed me once more from the fulness of his oval reservoirs of the +genial emulsion: whilst, on my side, a convulsive grasp, in the instant +of my giving down the liquid contribution, rendered me sweetly +subservient at once to the increase of joy, and to its effusions: +moving me so, as to make me exert all those springs of the compressive +exsuction, with which the sensitive mechanism of that part thirstily +draws and drains the nipple of Love; with much such an instinctive +eagerness and attachment, as to compare great with less, kind nature +engages infants at the breasts, by the pleasure they find in the motion +of their little mouths and cheeks, to extract the milky stream prepared +for their nourishment. + +But still there was no end of his vigour: this double discharge had so +far from extinguished his desires, for that time, that it had not even +calmed them; and at his age, desires are power. He was proceeding then +amazingly to push it to a third triumph, still without uncasing, if a +tenderness, natural to true love, had not inspired me with self-denial +enough to spare, and not over-strain him: and accordingly, entreating +him to give himself and me quarter, I obtained, at length, a short +suspension of arms, but not before he had exultingly satisfied me that +he gave out standing. + +The remainder of the night, with what we borrowed upon the day, we +employed with unwearied fervour in celebrating thus the festival of our +remeeting; and got up pretty late in the morning, gay, brisk and alert, +though rest had been a stranger to us: but the pleasures of love had +been to us, what the joy of victory is to an army: repose, refreshment, +every thing. + +The journey into the country being now entirely out of the question, +and orders having been given overnight for turning the horses’ heads +towards London, we left the inn as soon as we had breakfasted, not +without a liberal distribution of the tokens of my grateful sense of +the happiness I had met with in it. + +Charles and I were in my coach; the captain and my companion in a +chaise hired purposely for them, to leave us the conveniency of a +_tête-à-tête_. + +Here, on the road, as the tumult of my senses was tolerably composed, I +had command enough of head to break properly to his the course of life +that the consequences of my separation from him had driven me into: +which, at the same time that he tenderly deplored with me, he was the +less shocked at; as, on reflecting how he had left me circumstances, he +could not be entirely unprepared for it. + +But when I opened the state of my fortune to him, and with that +sincerity which, from me to him, was so much a nature in me, I beged of +him his acceptance of it, on his own terms. I should appear to you +perhaps too partial to my passion, were I to attempt the doing his +delicacy justice, I shall content myself then with assuring you, that +after his flatly refusing the unreserved, unconditional donation that I +long persecuted him in vain to accept, it was at length, in obedience +to his serious commands (for I stood out unaffectedly, till he exerted +the sovereign authority which love had given him over me), that I +yielded my consent to waive the remonstrance I did not fail of making +strongly to him, against his degrading himself, and incurring the +reflection, however unjust, of having, for respects of fortune, +bartered his honour for infamy and prostitution, in making one his +wife, who thought herself too much honoured in being but his mistress. + +The plea of love then over-ruling all objections, for him, which he +could not but read the sincerity of in a heart ever open to him, +obliged me to receive his hand, by which means I was in pass, among +other innumerable blessings, to bestow a legal parentage on those fine +children you have seen by this happiest of matches. + +Thus, at length, I got snug into port, where, in the bosom of virtue, I +gathered the only uncorrupt sweets: where, looking back on the course +of vice I had run, and comparing its infamous blandishments with the +infinitely superior joys of innocence, I could not help pitying, even +in point of taste, those who, immersed in gross sensuality, are +insensible to the so delicate charms of VIRTUE, than which even +PLEASURE has not a greater friend, nor VICE a greater enemy. Thus +temperance makes men lords over those pleasures that intemperance +enslaves them to: the one, parent of health, vigour fertility +cheerfulness, and every other desirable good of life; the other, of +diseases, debility, barrenness, self-loathing, with only every evil +incident to human nature. + +You laugh, perhaps, at this tail-piece of morality, extracted from me +by the force of truth, resulting from compared experiences: you think +it, no doubt, out of character; possibly too you may look on it as the +paultry finesse of one who seeks to mask a devotee to vice under a rag +of a veil, impudently smuggled from the shrine of Virtue: just as if +one was to fancy one’s self completely disguised at a masquerade, with +no other change of dress than turning one’s shoes into slippers; or, as +if a writer should think to shield a treasonable libel, by concluding +it with a formal prayer for the King. But, independent of my flattering +myself that you have a juster opinion of my sense and sincerity, give +me leave to represent to you, that such a supposition is even more +injurious to Virtue than to me: since, consistently with candour and +good nature, it san have no foundation but in the falsest of fears, +that its pleasures cannot stand in comparison with those of Vice; but +let truth dare to hold it up in its most alluring light: then mark, how +spurious, how low of taste, how comparatively inferior its joys are to +those which Virtue gives sanction to, and whose sentiments are not +above making even a sauce for the senses, but a sauce of the highest +relish; whilst Vices are the harpies that infect and foul the feast. +The paths of Vice are sometimes strewed with roses, but then they are +for ever infamous for many a thorn, for many a cankerworm: those of +Virtue are strewed with roses purely, and those eternally unfading +ones. + +If you do me then justice, you will esteem me perfectly consistent in +the incense I burn to Virtue. If I have painted Vice in all its gayest +colours, if I have decked it with flowers, it has been solely in order +to make the worthier, the solemner sacrifice of it to Virtue. + +You know Mr. C*** O***, you know his estate, his worth, and good sense: +can you, will you pronounce it ill meant, at least of him, when anxious +for his son’s morals, with a view to form him to virtue, and inspire +him with a fixed, a rational contempt for vice, he condescended to be +his master of the ceremonies, and led him by the hand through the most +noted bawdy-houses in town, where he took care he should be +familiarized with all those scenes of debauchery, so fit to nauseate a +good taste? The experiment, you will cry, is dangerous. True, on a +fool: but are fools worth so much attention. + +I shall see you soon, and in the mean time think candidly of me, and +believe me ever, + +MADAM, +Yours, etc., etc., etc. +X X X + +THE END + + + + + + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 25305 ***
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Ungracious then as the task may be, I shall recall to +view those scandalous stages of my life, out of which I emerged, at length, to +the enjoyment of every blessing in the power of love, health and fortune to +bestow; whilst yet in the flower of youth, and not too late to employ the +leisure afforded me by great ease and affluence, to cultivate an understanding, +naturally not a despicable one, and which had, even amidst the whirl of loose +pleasures I had been tossed in, exerted more observation on the characters and +manners of the world than what is common to those of my unhappy profession, +who, looking on all though or reflection as their capital enemy, keep it at as +great a distance as they can, or destroy it without mercy. +</p> + +<p> +Hating, as I mortally do, all long unnecessary prefaces, I shall give you good +quarter in this, and use no farther apology, than to prepare you for seeing the +loose part of my life, written with the same liberty that I led it. +</p> + +<p> +Truth! stark, naked truth, is the word; and I will not so much as take the +pains to bestow the strip of a gauze wrapper on it, but paint situations such +as they actually rose to me in nature, careless of violating those laws of +decency that were never made for such unreserved intimacies as ours; and you +have too much sense, too much knowledge of the originals, to sniff prudishly +and out of character at the pictures of them. The greatest men, those of the +first and most leading taste, will not scruple adorning their private closets +with nudities, though, in compliance with vulgar prejudices, they may not think +them decent decorations of the staircase, or salon. +</p> + +<p> +This, and enough, premised, I go souse into my personal history. My maiden name +was Frances Hill. I was born at a small village near Liverpool, in Lancashire, +of parents extremely poor, and, I piously believe, extremely honest. +</p> + +<p> +My father, who had received a maim on his limbs, that disabled him from +following the more laborious branches of country drudgery, got, by making nets, +a scanty subsistence, which was not much enlarged by my mother’s keeping +a little day-school for the girls in her neighborhood. They had had several +children; but none lived to any age except myself, who had received from nature +a constitution perfectly healthy. +</p> + +<p> +My education, till past fourteen, was no better than very vulgar: reading, or +rather spelling, an illegible scrawl, and a little ordinary plain work, +composed the whole system of it; and then all my foundation in virtue was no +other than a total ignorance of vice, and the shy timidity general to our sex, +in the tender age of life, when objects alarm or frighten more by their novelty +than anything else. But then, this is a fear too often cured at the expense of +innocence, when Miss, by degrees, begins no longer to look on a man as a +creature of prey that will eat her. +</p> + +<p> +My poor mother had divided her time so entirely between her scholars and her +little domestic cares, that she had spared very little to my instruction, +having, from her own innocence from all ill, no hint or thought of guarding me +against any. +</p> + +<p> +I was now entering on my fifteenth year, when the worst of ills befell me in +the loss of my fond, tender parents, who were both carried off by the +small-pox, within a few days of each other; my father dying first, and thereby +by hastening the death of my mother: so that I was now left an unhappy +friendless orphan (for my father’s coming to settle there, was +accidental, he being originally a Kentisrman). That cruel distemper which had +proved so fatal to them, had indeed seized me, but with such mild and +favourable symptoms, that I was presently out of danger, and what then I did +not know the value of, was entirely unmarked I skip over here an account of the +natural grief and affliction which I felt on this melancholy occasion. A little +time, and the giddiness of that age, dissipated too soon my reflections on that +irreparable loss; but nothing contributed more to reconcile me to it, than the +notions that were immediately put into my head, of going to London, and looking +out for a service, in which I was promised all assistance and advice from one +Esther Davis, a young woman that had beer down to see her friends, and who, +after the stay of a few days, was returned to her place. +</p> + +<p> +As I had now nobody left alive in the village, who had concern enough about +what should become of me, to start any objections to this scheme, and the woman +who took care of me after my parents’ death, rather encouraged me to +pursue it, I soon came to a resolution of making this launch into the wide +world, by repairing to London, in order to seek my fortune, a phrase which, by +the bye, has ruined more adventurers of both sexes, from the country, than ever +it made or advanced. +</p> + +<p> +Nor did Esther Davis a little comfort and inspirit me to venture with her, by +piquing my childish curiosity with the fine sights that were to be seen in +London: the Tombs, the Lions, the King, the Royal Family, the fine Plays and +Operas, and, in short, all the diversions which fell within her sphere of life +to come at; the detail of all which perfectly turned the little head of me. +</p> + +<p> +Nor can I remember, without laughing, the innocent admiration, not without a +spice of envy, with which we poor girls, whose church-going clothes did not +rise above dowlas shifts and stuff gowns, beplaced with silver: all which we +imagined grew in London, and entered for a great deal into my determination of +trying to come in for my share of them. +</p> + +<p> +The idea however of having the company of a towns-woman with her, was the +trivial, and all the motives that engaged Esther to take charge of me during my +journey to town, where she told me, after the manner and style, “as how +several maids out of the country had made themselves and all their kind for +ever: that by preserving their virtue, some had taken so with their masters, +that they had married them, and kept them coaches, and lived vastly grand and +happy; and some, may-hap, came to be Duchesses; luck was all, and why not I, as +well as another?”; with other almanacs to this purpose, which set me a +tip-toe to begin this promising journey, and to leave a place which, though my +native one, contained no relations that I had reason to regret, and was grown +insupportable to me, from the change of the tenderest usage into a cold air of +charity, with which I was entertained, even at the only friend’s house +that I had the least expectation of care and protection from. She was, however, +so just to me, as to manage the turning into money the little matters that +remained to me after the debts and burial charges were allowed for, and, at my +departure, put my whole fortune into my hands; which consisted of a very +slender wardrobe, packed up in a very portable box, and eight guineas, with +seventeen shillings in silver, stowed in a spring-pouch, which was a greater +treasure than I ever had seen together, and which I could not conceive there +was a possibility of running out; and indeed, I was so entirely taken up with +the joy of seeing myself mistress of such an immence sum, that I gave very +little attention to a world of good advice which was given me with it. +</p> + +<p> +Places, then, being taken for Esther and me in the Chester waggon, I pass over +a very immaterial scene of leave-taking, at which I droped a few tears betwixt +grief and joy; and, for the same reasons of insignificance, skip over all that +happened to me on the road, such as the waggoner’s looking liquorish on +me, the schemes laid for me by some of the passengers, which were defeated by +the valiance of my guardian Esther; who, to do her justice, took a motherly +care of me, at the same time that she taxed me for the protection by making me +bear all travelling charges, which I defrayed with the unmost cheerfulness, and +thought myself much obliged to her into the bargain. +</p> + +<p> +She took indeed great care that we were not overrated, or imposed on, as well +as of managing as frugally as possible; expensiveness was not her vice. +</p> + +<p> +It was pretty late in a summer evening when we reached the town, in our slow +conveyance, though drawn by six at length. As we passed through the greatest +streets that led to our inn, the noise, of the coaches, the hurry, the crowds +of foot passengers, in short, the new scenery of the shops and houses, at once +pleased and amazed me. +</p> + +<p> +But guess at my mortification and surprise when we came to the inn, and our +things were landed and delivered to us, when my fellow traveller and +protectress, Esther Davis, who had used me with the utmost tenderness during +the journey, and prepared me by no preceedings signs for the stunning blow I +was to receive, when I say, my only dependence and friend, in this strange +place, all of a sudden assumed a strange and cool air towards me, as if she +dreaded my becoming a burden to her. +</p> + +<p> +Instead, then, of proffering me the continuance of her assistance and good +offices, which I relied upon, and never more wanted, she thought herself, it +seems, abundantly acquitted of her engagements to me, by having brought me safe +to my journey’s end, and seeing nothing in her procedure towards me but +what natural and in order, began to embrace me by the way of taking leave, +whilst I was so confounded, so struck, that I had not spirit or sense enough so +much as to mention my hopes or expectations from her experience, and knowledge +of the place she had brought me to. +</p> + +<p> +Whilst I stood thus stupid and mute, which she doubtless attributed to nothing +more than a concern at parting, this idea procured me perhaps a slight +alleviation of it, in the following harangue: “That now we were got safe +to London, and that she was obliged to go to her place, she advised me by all +means to get into one as soon as possible; that I need not fear getting one; +there were more places than parish-churches; that she advised me to go to an +intelligence office; that if she heard of any thing stirring, she would find me +out and let me know; that in the meantime, I should take a private lodging, and +acquaint her where to send to me; that she wished me good luck, and hoped I +should always have the grace to keep myself honest, and not bringing a disgrace +on my parentage.” With this; she took her leave of me, and left me, as it +were, on my own hands, full as lightly as I had been put into hers. +</p> + +<p> +Left thus alone, absolutely destitute and friendless I began then to feel most +bitterly the severity of this separation, the scene of which had passed in a +little room in the inn; and no sooner was her back turned, but the affliction I +felt at my helpless strange circumstances, burst out into a flood of tears, +which infinitely relieved the oppression of my heart; though I still remained +stupified, and most perfectly perplexed how to dispose of myself. +</p> + +<p> +One of the drawers coming in, added yet more to my uncertainty, by asking me, +in a short way, if I called for anything? to which I replied innocently: +“No.” But I wished him to tell me where I might get a lodging for +that night. He said he would go and speak to his mistress, who accordingly +came, and told me drily, without entering in the least into the distress she +saw me in, that I might have a bed for a shilling, and that, as she supposed I +had some friends in town (there I fetched a deep sigh in vain!), I might +provide for myself in the morning. +</p> + +<p> +It is incredible what trifling consolations the human mind will seize in its +greatest afflictions. The assurance of nothing more than a bed to lie on that +night, calmed my agonies; and being ashamed to acquaint the mistress of the inn +that I had no friends to apply to in town, I proposed to myself to proceed, the +very next morning, to an intelligence office, to which I was furnished with +written directions on the back of a ballad, Esther had given me. There I +counted on getting information of any place that such a country girl as I might +be fit for, and where I could get into any sort of being, before my little +stock should be consumed; and as to a character, Esther had often repeated to +me, that I might depend on her managing me one; nor, however affected I was at +her leaving me thus, did I entirely cease to rely on her, as I began to think, +good-naturedly, that her procedure was all in course, and that is was only my +ignorance of life that had made me take it in the light I at first did. +</p> + +<p> +Accordingly, the next morning I dressed myself as clean and as neat as my +rustic wardrobe would permit me; and having left my box, with special +recommendation, with the landlady, I ventured out by myself, and without any +more difficulty than can be supposed of a young country girl, barely fifteen, +and to whom every sign or shop was a gazing trap, I got to the wished for +intelligence office. +</p> + +<p> +It was kept by an elderly woman, who sat at the receipt of custom, with a book +before her in great form and order, and several scrolls made out, of directions +for places. +</p> + +<p> +I made up then to this important personage, without lifting up my eyes or +observing any of the people round me, who were attending there on the same +errand as myself, and dropping her curtsies nine deep, just made a shift to +stammer out my business to her. +</p> + +<p> +Madam heard me out, with all the gravity and brow of a petty minister of State, +and seeing at one glance over my figure what I was, made me no answer, but to +ask me the preliminary shilling, on receipt of which she told me places for +women too slight built for hard work: but that she would look over her book, +and see what was to be done for me, desiring me to stay a little, till she had +dispatched some other customers. +</p> + +<p> +On this I drew back a little, most heartily mortified at a declaration which +carried with it a killing uncertainly, that my circumstances could not well +endure. +</p> + +<p> +Presently, assuming more courage, and seeking some diversion from my uneasy +thoughts, I ventured to lift up my head a little, and sent my eyes on a course +round the room, where they met full tilt with those of a lady (for such my +extreme innocence pronounced her) sitting in a corner of the room, dressed in a +velvet mantle (in the midst of summer), with her bonnet off; squat, fat, +red-faced, and at least fifty. +</p> + +<p> +She looked as if she would devour me with her eyes, staring at me from head to +foot, without the least regard to the confusion and blushes her eyeing me so +fixedly put me to, and which were to her, no doubt, the strongest +recommendation and marks of my being fit for her purpose. After a little time, +in which my air, person and whole figure had undergone a strict examination, +which I had, on my part, tried to render favourable to me, by primming, drawing +up my neck, and setting my best looks, she advanced and spoke to me with the +greatest demureness: +</p> + +<p> +“Sweet-heart, do you want a place? +</p> + +<p> +“Yes, and please you,” (with a curtsey down to the ground). +</p> + +<p> +Upon this she acquainted me she was actually come to the office herself, to +look out for a servant; that she believed I might do, with a little of her +instruction; that she could take my very looks for a sufficient character; that +London was a very wicked, vile, place; that she hoped I would be tractable, and +keep out of bad company; in short, she said all to me that an old experienced +practitioner in town could think of, and which was much more than was necessary +to take in an artless inexperienced country maid, who was even afraid of +becoming a wanderer about the streets, and therefore gladly jumped at the first +offer of a shelter, especially from so grave and matron-like a lady, for such +my flattering fancy assured me this new mistress of mine was, I being actually +hired under the nose of the good woman that kept the office, whose shrewed +smiles and shrugs I could not help observing, and innocently interpreted them +as marks of being pleased at my getting into place so soon: but, as I +afterwards came to know, these Beldams understood one another very well, and +this was a market where Mrs. Brown, my mistress, frequently attended, on the +watch for any fresh goods that might offer there, for the use of her customers, +and her own profit. +</p> + +<p> +Madam was, however, so well pleased with her bargain that fearing I presume, +lest better advice or some accident might occasion my slipping through her +fingers, she would officiously take me in a coach to my inn, where, calling +herself for my box, it was, I being present, delivered without the least +scruple or explanation as to where I was going. +</p> + +<p> +This being over, she bid the coachman drive to a shop in St. Paul’s +Churchyard, where she bought a pair of gloves, which she gave me, and thence +renewed her directions to the coachman to drive to her house in +——— street, who accordingly landed us at the door, after I +had been cheered up and entertained by the way with the most plausible flams, +without one syllable from which I could conclude anything but that I was, by +the greatest luck, fallen into the hands of kindest mistress, not to say +friend, that the vast world could afford; and accordingly I entered her doors +with most complete confidence and exultation, promising, myself that, as soon +as I could be a little settled, I would acquaint Esther Davis with my rare good +fortune. +</p> + +<p> +You may be sure the good opinion of my place was not lessened by the appearance +of a very handsome back parlor, into which I was led and which seemed to me +magnificently furnished, who had never seen better rooms than the ordinary ones +in inns upon the road. There were two gilt pier-glasses, and a buffet, on which +a few pieces of plate, set out to the most shew, dazzled, and altogether +persuaded me that I must be got into a very reputable family. +</p> + +<p> +Here my mistress first began her part, with telling me that I must have good +spirits, and learn to be free with her; that she had not taken me to be a +common servant, to do domestic drudgery, but to be a kind of companion to her; +and that if I would be a good girl, she would do more than twenty mothers for +me; to all which I answered only by the profoundest and the awkwardest +curtsies, and a few monosyllables, such as “’yes! no! to be +sure!” +</p> + +<p> +Presently my mistress touched the bell, and in came a strapping maid-servant, +who had let us in. “Here, Martha,” said Mrs. Brown, “I have +just hired this young woman to look after my linen; so step up and show her her +chamber; and I charge you to use her with as much respect as you would myself, +for I have taken a prodigious liking to her, and I do not know what I shall do +for her.” +</p> + +<p> +Martha, who was an arch-jade, and, being used to this decoy, had her cue +perfect, made me a kind of half curtsy, and asked me to walk up with her; and +accordingly showed me a neat room, two pair of stairs backwards, in which there +was a handsome bed, where Martha told me I was to lie with a young gentlewoman, +a cousin of my mistress, who she was sure would be vastly good to me. Then she +ran out into such affected encomiums on her good mistress! her sweet mistress! +and how happy I was to light upon her! and that I could not have bespoke a +better; with other the like gross stuff, such as would itself have started +suspicions in any but such an unpractised simpleton, who was perfectly new to +life, and who took every word she said in the very sense she laid out for me to +take it; but she readily saw what a penetration she had to deal with, and +measured me very rightly in her manner of whistling to me, so as to make me +pleased with my cage, and blind to the wires. +</p> + +<p> +In the midst of these false explanations of the nature of my future service, we +were rung for down again, and I was reintroduced into the same parlour, where +there was a table laid with three covers; and my mistress had now got with her +one of her favourite girls, a notable manager of her house, and whose business +it was to prepare and break such young fillies as I was to the mounting block; +and she was accordingly, in that view, alloted me for a bed-fellow, and, to +give her the more authority, she had the title of cousin conferred on her by +the venerable president of this college. +</p> + +<p> +Here I underwent a second survey, which ended in the full approbation of Mrs. +Phœbe Ayres, the name of my tutoress elect, to whose care and instruction I +was affectionately recommended. +</p> + +<p> +Dinner was now set on table, and in pursuance of treating me as a companion, +Mrs. Brown, with a tone to cut off all dispute, soon over-ruled my most humble +and most confused protestations against sitting down with her Ladyship, which +my very short breeding just suggested to me could not be right, or in the order +of things. +</p> + +<p> +At table, the conversation was chiefly kept up by the two madams and carried on +in double meaning expressions, interrupted every now and then by kind +assurances to me, all tending to confirm and fix my satisfaction with my +present condition: augment it they could not, so very a novice was I then. +</p> + +<p> +It was here agreed that I should keep myself up and out of sight for a few +days, till such clothes could be procured for me as were fit for the character +I was to appear in, of my mistress’s companion, observing withal, that on +the first impressions of my figure much might depend; and, as they rightly +judged, the prospect of exchanging my country clothes for London finery, made +the clause of confinement digest perfectly well with me. But the truth was, +Mrs. Brown did not care that I should be seen or talked to by any, either of +her customers, or her Does (as they called the girls provided for them), till +she secured a good market for my maidenhead, which I had at least all the +appearances of having brought into her Ladyship’s service. +</p> + +<p> +To slip over minutes of no importance to the main of my story, I pass the +interval to bed time, in which I was more and more pleased with the views that +opened to me, of an easy service under these good people; and after supper +being shewed up to bed, Miss Phœbe, who observed a kind of reluctance in me to +strip and go to bed, in my shift, before her, now the maid was withdrawn, came +up to me, and beginning with unpinning my handkerchief and gown, soon +encouraged me to go on with undressing myself; and, blushing at now seeing +myself naked to my shift, I hurried to get under the bed-clothes out of sight. +</p> + +<p> +Phœbe laughed and was not long before she placed herself by my side. She was +about five and twenty, by her most suspicious account, in which, according to +all appearances, she must have sunk at least ten good years; allowance, too, +being made for the havoc which a long course of hackneyship and hot waters must +have made of her constitution, and which had already brought on, upon the spur, +that stale stage in which those of her profession are reduced to think of +showing company, instead of seeing it. +</p> + +<p> +No sooner then was this precious substitute of my mistress laid down, but she, +who was never out of her way when any occasion of lewdness presented itself, +turned to me, embraced and kissed me with great eagerness. This was new, this +was odd; but imputing it to nothing but pure kindness, which, for ought I knew, +it might be the London way to express in that manner, I was determined not to +be behind-hand with her, and returned her the kiss and embrace, with all the +fervour that perfect innocence knew. +</p> + +<p> +Encouraged by this, her hands became extremely free, and wandered over my whole +body, with touches, squeezes, pressures, that rather warmed and surprised me +with their novelty, than they either shocked or alarmed me. +</p> + +<p> +The flattering praises she intermingled with these invasions, contributed also +not a little to bribe my passiveness; and, knowing no ill, I feared none, +especially from one who had prevented all doubts of her womanhood, by +conducting my hands to a pair of breasts that hung loosely down, in a size and +volume that full sufficiently distinguished her sex, to me at least, who had +never made any other comparison. +</p> + +<p> +I lay then all tame and passive as she could wish, whilst her freedom raised no +other emotion but those of a strange, and, till then, unfelt pleasure. Every +part of me was open and exposed to the licentious courses of her hands, which, +like a lambent fire, ran over my whole body, and thawed all coldness as they +went. +</p> + +<p> +My breasts, if it is not too bold a figure to call so two hard, firm, rising +hillocks, that just began to shew themselves, or signify anything to the touch, +employed and amused her hands awhile, till, slipping down lower, over a smooth +track, she could just feel the soft silky down that had but a few months before +put forth and garnished the mount-pleasant of those parts, and promised to +spread a grateful shelter over the sweet seat of the most exquisite sensation, +and which had been, till that instant, the seat of the most insensible +innocence. Her fingers played and strove to twine in the young tendrils of that +moss, which nature has contrived at once for use and ornament. +</p> + +<p> +But, not contented with these outer posts, she now attempts the main spot, and +began to twitch, to insinuate, and at length to force an introduction of a +finger into the quick itself, in such a manner, that had she not proceeded by +insensible gradations that inflamed me beyond the power of modesty to oppose +its resistance to their progress, I should have jumped out of bed and cried for +help against such strange assaults. +</p> + +<p> +Instead of which, her lascivious touches had lighted up a new fire that +wantoned through all my veins, but fixed with violence in that center appointed +them by nature, where the first strange hands were now busied in feeling, +squeezing, compressing the lips, then opening them again, with a finger +between, till an “Oh!” expressed her hurting me, where the +narrowness of the unbroken passage refused it entrance to any depth. +</p> + +<p> +In the meantime, the extension of my limbs, languid stretching, sighs, short +heavings, all conspired to assure that experienced wanton that I was more +pleased than offended at her proceedings, which she seasoned with repeated +kisses and exclamations, such as “Oh! what a charming creature thou art! +What a happy man will he be that first makes a woman of you! Oh! that I were a +man for your sake!” with the like broken expressions, interrupted by +kisses as fierce and salacious as ever I received from the other sex. +</p> + +<p> +For my part, I was transported, confused, and out of myself; feelings so new +were too much for me. My heated and alarmed senses were in a tumult that robbed +me of all liberty of thought; tears of pleasure gushed from my eyes, and +somewhat assuaged the fire that raged all over me. +</p> + +<p> +Phœbe, herself, the hackneyed, thorough-bred Phœbe, to whom all modes and +devices of pleasure were known and familiar, found, it seems, in this exercise +her those arbitrary tastes, for which there is no accounting. Not that she +hated men, or did not even prefer them to her own sex; but when she met with +such occasions as this was, a satiety of enjoyments in the common road, +perhaps, too a great secret bias, inclined her to make the most of pleasure, +wherever she could find it, without distinction of sexes. In this view, now +well assured that she had, by her touches, sufficiently inflamed me for her +purpose, she rolled down the bed clothes gently, and I saw myself stretched +naked, my shift being turned up to my neck, whilst I had no power or sense to +oppose it. Even my growing blushes expressed more desire than modesty, whilst +the candle, left (to be sure not undesignedly) burning, threw a full light on +my whole body. +</p> + +<p> +“No!” says Phœbe, “you must not, my sweet girl, think to +hide all these treasures from me. My sight must be feasted as my touch. I must +devour with my eyes this springing bosom. Suffer me to kiss it. I have not seen +it enough. Let me kiss it once more. What firm, smooth, white flesh is here! +How delicately shaped! Then this delicious down! Oh! let me view the small, +dear, tender cleft! This is too much, I cannot bear it! I must! I must!” +Here she took my hand, and in a transport carried it where you will easily +guess. But what a difference in the state of the same thing! A spreading +thicket of bushy curls marked the full grown, complete woman. Then the cavity +to which she guided my hand easily received it; and as soon as she felt it +within her, she moved herself to and fro, with so rapid a friction, that I +presently withdrew it, wet and clammy, when instantly Phœbe grew more +composed, after two or three sighs, and heart-fetched Oh’s! and giving me +a kiss that seemed to exhale her soul through her lips, she replaced the +bed-clothes over us. What pleasure she had found I will not say; but this I +know, that the first sparks of kindling nature, the first ideas of pollution, +were caught by me that night; and that the acquaintance and communication with +the bad of our sex, is often as fatal to innocence as all the seductions of the +other. But to go on. When Phœbe was restored to that calm, which I was far +from the enjoyment of myself, she artfully sounded me on all the points +necessary to govern the designs of my virtuous mistress on me, and by my +answers, drawn from pure undissembled nature, she had no reason but to promise +herself all imaginable success, so far as it depended on my ignorance, easiness +and warmth of constitution. +</p> + +<p> +After a sufficient length of dialogue, my bedfellow left me to my rest, and I +fell asleep, through pure weariness, from the violent emotions I had been led +into, when nature which had been too warmly stirred and fermented to subside +without allaying by some means or other relieved me by one of those luscious +dreams, the transports of which are scarce inferior to those of waking real +action. +</p> + +<p> +In the morning I awoke about ten, perfectly gay and refreshed. Phœbe was up +before me, and asked me in the kindest manner how I did, how I had rested, and +if I was ready for breakfast? carefully, at the same time, avoiding to increase +the confusion she saw I was in, at looking her in the face, by any hint of the +night’s bed scene. I told her if she pleased I would get up, and begin +any work she would be pleased to set me about. She smiled; presently the maid +brought in the tea equipage, and I just huddled my clothes on, when in waddled +my mistress. I expected no less than to be told of, if not chid for, my late +rising, when I was most agreeably disappointed by her compliments on my pure +and fresh looks. I was “a bud of beauty” (this was her style), +“and how vastly all the fine men would admire me!” to all which my +answers did not, I can assure you, wrong my breeding; they were as simple and +silly as they could wish, and, no doubt, flattered them infinitely more than +had they proved me enlightened by education and a knowledge of the world. +</p> + +<p> +We breakfasted, and the tea things were scarce removed, when in were brought +two bundles of linen and wearing apparel: in short, all the necessaries for +rigging me out, as they termed it, completely. +</p> + +<p> +Imagine to yourself, Madam, how my little coquet heart fluttered with joy at +the sight of a white lutestring, flowered with silver, scoured indeed, but +passed on me for spick and span new, a Brussels lace cap, braited shoes, and +the rest in proportion, all second-hand finery, and procured instantly for the +occasion, by the diligence and industry of the good Mrs. Brown, who had already +a chapman for me in the house, before whom my charms were to pass in review; +for he had not only, in course, insisted on a previous sight of the premises, +but also on immediate surrendering to him, in case of his agreeing for me; +concluding very wisely, that such a place as I was in, was of the hottest to +trust the keeping of such a perishable commodity in, as a maidenhead. +</p> + +<p> +The care of dressing and tricking me out for the market, was then left to +Phœbe, who acquitted herself, if not well, at least perfectly to the +satisfaction of everything but my impatience of seeing myself dressed. When it +was over, and I viewed myself in the glass, I was no doubt, too natural, too +artless, to hide my childish joy at the change: a change, in the real truth, +for much the worse, since I must have much better become the neat easy +simplicity of my rustic dress than the awkward, untoward, tawdry finery that I +could not conceal my strangeness to. +</p> + +<p> +Phœbe’s compliments, however, in which her own share in dressing me was +not forgot, did not a little confirm me in the first notions I had ever +entertained concerning my person; which, be it said without vanity, was then +tolerable to justify a taste for me, and of which it may not be out of place +here to sketch you an unflattered picture. +</p> + +<p> +I was tall, yet not too tall for my age, which, as I before remarked, was +barely turned of fifteen; my shape perfectly straight, thin waisted, and light +and free without owing anything to stays; my hair was a glossy auburn, and as +soft as silk, flowing down my neck in natural curls, and did not a little to +set off the whiteness of a smooth skin; my face was rather too ruddy, though +its features were delicate, and the shape was a roundish oval, except where a +pit on my chin had far from a disagreeable effect; my eyes were as black as can +be imagined, and rather languishing than sparkling, except on certain +occasions, when I have been told they struck fire fast enough; my teeth, which +I ever carefully preserved, were small, even and white; my bosom was finely +raised, and one might then discern rather the promise than the actual growth of +the round, firm breast, that in a little time made that promise good. In short, +all the points of beauty that are most universally in request, I had, or at +least my vanity forbid me to appeal from the decision of our sovereign judges +the men, who all, that I ever knew at last, gave it thus highly in my favour; +and I met with, even in my own sex, some that were above denying me that +justice, whilst others praised me yet more unsuspectedly, by endeavouring to +detract from me, in points of person and figure that I obviously excelled in. +This is, I own, too strong of self praise; but I should be ungrateful to +nature, and to a form to which I owe such singular blessings of pleasure and +fortune, were I to suppress, through an affectation of modesty, the mention of +such valuable gifts. +</p> + +<p> +Well then, dressed I was, and little did it then enter into my head that all +this gay attire was no more than decking the victim out for sacrifice, whilst I +innocently attributed all to mere friendship and kindness in the sweet good +Mrs. Brown; who, I was forgetting to mention, had, under pretence of keeping my +money safe, got from me, without the least hesitation, the driblet (so I now +call it) which remained to me after the expenses of my journey. +</p> + +<p> +After some little time most agreebly spent before the glass, in scarce +self-admiration, since my new dress had by much the greatest share in it, I was +sent for down to the parlour, where the old lady saluted me, and wished me joy +of my new clothes, which she was not ashamed to say, fitted me as if I had worn +nothing but the finest all my life-time; but what was it she could not see me +silly enough to swallow? At the same time, she presented me to another cousin +of her own creation, an elderly gentleman, who got up, at my entry into the +room, and on my dropping a curtsy to him, saluted me, and seemed a little +affronted that I had only presented my cheek to him: a mistake, which, if one, +he immediately corrected, by gluing his lips to mine, with an ardour which his +figure had not at all disposed me to thank him for: his figure, I say, than +which nothing could be more shocking or detestable: for ugly and disagreeable +were terms too gentle to convey a just idea of it. +</p> + +<p> +Imagine to yourself, a man rather past threescore, short and ill-made, with a +yellow cadaverous hue, great goggle eyes, that stared as if he was strangled; +an out-mouth from two more properly tusks than teeth, livid lips, and breath +like a Jake’s: then he had a peculiar ghastliness in his grin, that made +him perfectly frightful, if not dangerous to women with child; yet, made as he +was thus in mock of man, he was so blind to his own staring deformities, as to +think himself born to please, and that no woman could see him with impunity: in +consequence of which idea, he had lavished great sums on such wretches as could +gain upon themselves to pretend love to his person, whilst to those who had not +art or patience to dissemble the horror it inspired, he behaved even brutally. +Impotence, more than necessity, made him seek in variety, the provocative that +was wanting to raise him to the pitch of enjoyment, which he too often saw +himself baulked of, by the failure of his powers: and this always threw him +into a fit of rage, which he wreaked, as far as he durst, on the innocent +objects of his fit of momentary desire. +</p> + +<p> +This then was the master to which my conscientious benefactress, who had long +been his purveyor in this way, had doomed me, and sent for me down purposely +for his examination. Accordingly she made me stand up before him, turned me +round, unpinned my handkerchief, remarked to him the rise and fall, the turn +and whiteness of a bosom just beginning to fill; then made me walk, and took +even a handle from the rusticity of my charms: in short, she omitted no point +of jockeyship; to which he only answered by gracious nods of approbation, +whilst he looked goats and monkeys at me: for I sometimes stole a corner glance +at him, and encountering his fiery, eager stare, looked another way from pure +horror and affright, which he, characteristically, attributed to nothing more +than maiden modesty, or at least the affectation of it. +</p> + +<p> +However, I was soon dismissed, and reconducted to my room by Phœbe, who stuck +close to me, not leaving me alone, and at leisure to make such reflections as +might naturally rise to any one, not an idiot, on such a scene as I had just +gone through; but to my shame be it confessed, that just was my invincible +stupidity, or rather portentous innocence, that I did not yet open my eyes to +Mrs. Brown’s designs, and saw nothing in this titular cousin of hers but +a shockingly hideous person, which did not at all concern me, unless that my +gratitude for my benefactress made me extend my respect to all her cousinhood. +</p> + +<p> +Phœbe, however, began to sift the state and pulses of my heart toward this +monster, asking me how I should approve of such a fine gentelman for a husband. +(Fine gentleman, I suppose she called him, from his being daubed with lace.) I +answered her very naturally, that I had no thoughts of a husband, but that if I +was to choose one, it should be among my own degree, sure! so much had my +aversion to that wretch’s hideous figure indisposed me to all “fine +gentlemen,” and confounded my ideas, as if those of that rank had been +necessarily cast in the same mould that he was. But Phœbe was not to be put +off so, but went on with her endeavours to melt and soften me for the purposes +of my reception into that hospitable house: and whilst she talked of the sex in +general, she had no reason to despair of a compliance, which more than one +reason showed her would be easily enough obtained of me; but then she had too +much experience not to discover that my particular fixed aversion to that +frightful cousin would be a block not so readily to be removed, as suited the +consummation of their bargain, and sale of me. +</p> + +<p> +Mother Brown had in the meantime agreed the terms with this loquorice old goat, +which I afterwards understood were to be fifty guineas peremptory, for the +liberty of attempting me, and a hundred more at the complete gratification of +his desires, in the triumph over my virginity: and as for me, I was to be left +entirely at the discretion of his liking and generosity. This unrighteous +contract being thus settled, he was so eager to be put in possession, that he +insisted on being introduced to drink tea with me that afternoon, when we were +to be left alone; nor would he hearken to the procuress’s remonstrances, +that I was not sufficiently prepared, and ripened for such an attack; that I +was too green and untamed, having been scarce twenty-four hours in the house: +it is the character of lust to be impatient, and his vanity arming him against +any supposition of other than the common resistance of a maid on those +occasions, made him reject all proposals of a delay, and my dreadful trial was +thus fixed, unknown to me, for that very evening. +</p> + +<p> +At dinner, Mrs. Brown and Phœbe did nothing but run riot in praise of this +wonderful cousin, and how happy that woman would be that he would favour with +his addresses; in short my two gossips exhausted all their rhetoric to persuade +me to accept them: “that the gentleman was violently smitten with me at +first sight; that he would make my fortune if I would be a good girl and not +stand in my own light; that I should trust his honour; that I should be made +for ever, and have a chariot to go abroad in,” with all such stuff as was +fit to turn the head of such a silly ignorant girl as I then was: but luckily +here my aversion had taken already such deep root in me, my heart was so +strongly defended from him by my senses, that wanting the art to mask my +sentiments, I gave them no hopes of their employer succeeding, at least very +easily, with me. The glass too marched pretty quick, with a view, I suppose, to +make a friend of the warmth of my constitution, in the minutes of the imminent +attack. +</p> + +<p> +Thus they kept me pretty long at table, and about six in the evening, after I +had retired to my apartment, and the tea board was set, enters my venerable +mistress, followed close by that satyr, who came in grinning in a way peculiar +to him, and by his odious presence, confirmed me in all the sentiments of +detestation which his first appearance had given birth to. +</p> + +<p> +He sat down fronting me, and all tea time kept ogling me in a manner that gave +me the utmost pain and confusion, all the mark of which he still explained to +be my bashfulness, and not being used to see company. +</p> + +<p> +Tea over, the commoding old lady pleady urgent business (which indeed was true) +to go out, and earnestly desired me to entertain her cousin kindly till she +came back, both for my own sake and her; and then, with a “Pray, sir, be +very good, be very tender to the sweet child,” she went out of the room, +leaving me staring, with my mouth open, and unprepared by the suddenness of her +departure, to oppose it. +</p> + +<p> +We were now alone; and on that idea a sudden fit of trembling seized me. I was +so afraid, without a precise notion of why, and what I had to fear, that I sat +on the settee, by the fire side, motionless and petrified, without life or +spirit, not knowing how to look or how to stir. +</p> + +<p> +But long I was not suffered to remain in this state of stupefaction: the +monster squatted down by me on the settee, and without farther ceremony or +preamble, flings his arms about my neck, and drawing me pretty forcibly towards +him, obliged me to receive, in spite of my struggles to disengage from him, his +pestilential kisses, which quite overcame me. Finding me then next to +senseless, and unresisting, he tears off my neck handkerchief, and laid all +open there, to his eyes and hands: still I endured all without flinching, till +emboldened by my sufferance and silence, for I had not the power to speak or +cry out, he attempted to lay me down on the settee, and I felt his hand on the +lower part of my naked thighs, which were crossed, and which he endeavoured to +unlock. Oh then! I was roused out of my passive endurance, and springing from +him with an activity he was not prepared for, threw myself at his feet, and +begged him, in the most moving tone, not to be rude, and that he would not hurt +me. “Hurt you, my dear?” says the brute, “I intend you no +harm. Has not the old lady told you that I love you? that I shall do handsomely +by you?” +</p> + +<p> +“She has indeed, sir,” said I, “but I cannot love you, indeed +I cannot! pray let me alone! yes! I will love you dearly if you will let me +alone and go away.” But I was talking to the wind, for whether my tears, +my attitude, or the disorder of my dress proved fresh incentives, or whether he +was now under the dominion of desires he could not bridle, but snorting and +foaming with lust and rage, he renews his attack, seizes me, and again attempts +to extend and fix me on the settee: in which he succeeded so far as to lay me +along, and even to toss my petticoats over my head, and lay my thighs bare, +which I obstinately kept close, nor could he, though he attempted with his knee +to force them open, effect it so as to stand fair for being master of the main +avenue; he was unbuttoned, both waistcoat and breeches, yet I only felt the +weight of his body upon me, whilst I lay struggling with indignation, and dying +with terrors; but he stopped all of a sudden, and got off, panting, blowing, +cursing, and repeating “old and ugly!” for so I had very naturally +called him in the heat of my defence. +</p> + +<p> +The brute had, it seems, as I afterwards understood, brought on, by his +eagerness and struggle, the ultimate period of his hot fit of lust, which his +power was too short-lived to carry him through the full execution of; of which +my thighs and linen received the effusion. +</p> + +<p> +When it was over he bid me, with a tone of displeasure, get up: “that he +would not do me the honour to think of me any more; that the old +b——h might look out for another cully; that he would not be fooled +so by ever a country mock modesty in England; that he supposed I had left my +maidenhead with some hobnail in the country, and was come to dispose of my +skim-milk in town” with a volley of the like abuse; which I listened to +with more pleasure than ever fond woman did to protestations of love from her +darling minion: for, incapable as I was of receiving any addition to my perfect +hatred and aversion to him, I looked on this railing, as my security against +his renewing his most odious caress. +</p> + +<p> +Yet, plain as Mrs. Brown’s views were now come out, I had not the heart, +or spirit to open my eyes to them: still I could not part with my dependence on +that beldam, so much did I think myself hers, soul and body: or rather, I +sought to deceive myself with the continuation of my good opinion of her, and +choose to wait the worst at her hands, sooner than be turned out to starve in +the streets, without a penny of money or a friend to apply to these fears were +my folly. +</p> + +<p> +While this confusion of ideas was passing in my head, and I sat pensively by +the fire, with my eyes brimming with tears, my neck still bare, and my cap +fallen off in the struggle, so that my hair was in the disorder you may guess, +the villain’s lust began, I suppose, to be again in flow, at the sight of +all that bloom of youth which presented itself to his view, a bloom yet +unenjoyed, and of course not yet indifferent to him. +</p> + +<p> +After some pause, he asked me with a tone of voice mightily softer, whether I +would make it up with him before the old lady returned, and all should be well; +he would restore me to his affections, at the same time offering to kiss me and +feel my breasts. But now my extreme aversion, my fears, my indignation, all +acting upon me, gave me a spirit not natural to me, so that breaking loose from +him, I ran to the bell and rang it, with such violence and effect as to bring +up the maid to know what was the matter, or whether the gentleman wanted +anything; and before he could proceed to greater extremities, she bounced into +the room, and seeing me stretched on the floor, my hair all dishevelled, my +nose gushing out blood, which did not a little tragedize the scene, and my +odious persecutor still intent of pushing his brutal point, unmoved by all my +cries and distress, she was herself confounded and did not know what to do. +</p> + +<p> +As much, however, as Martha might be prepared and hardened to transactions of +this sort, all womanhood must have been out of her heart could she have seen +this unmoved. Besides that, on the face of things, she imagined that matters +had gone greater lengths than they really had, and that the courtesy of the +house had been actually consummated on me, and flung: me into the condition I +was in: in this notion she instantly took my part, and advised the gentleman to +go down and leave me to recover myself, and “that all would be soon over +with me; that when Mrs. Brown and Phœbe, who were gone out, were returned, +they would take order for everything to his satisfaction; that nothing would be +lost by a little patience with the poor tender thing; that for her part she was +frightened; she could not tell what to say to such doings; but that she would +stay by me till my mistress came home.” As the wench said all this in a +resolute tone, and the monster himself began to perceive that things would not +mend by his staying, he took his hat and went out of the room murmuring and +pitting his brows like an old ape, so that I was delivered from the horrors of +his detestable presence. +</p> + +<p> +As soon as he was gone, Martha very tenderly offered me her assistance in +anything, and would have got me some hartshorn drops and put me to bed; which +last I, at first, positively refused, in the fear that the monster might return +and take me at that disadvantage. However, with much persuasion and assurances +that I should not be molested that night she prevailed on me to lie down; and +indeed I was so weakened by my struggles, so dejected by my fearful +apprehension, so terror-struck, that I had not power to sit up, or hardly to +give answers to the questions with which the curious Martha plied and perplexed +me. +</p> + +<p> +Such too, and so cruel was my fate, that I dreaded the sight of Mrs. Brown, as +if I had been the criminal, and she the person injured; a mistake which you +will not think so strange, on distinguishing that neither virtue nor principles +had the least share in the defence I had made, but only the particular aversion +I had conceived against this first brutal and frightful invader of my tender +innocence. +</p> + +<p> +I passed then the time till Mrs. Brown came home, under all the agitations of +fear and despair that may easily be guessed. +</p> + +<p> +About eleven at night my two ladies came home, and having received rather a +favourable account from Martha, who had run down to let them in, for Mr. Crofts +(that was the name of my brute) was gone out of the house, after waiting till +he had tired his patience for Mrs. Brown’s return, they came thundering +up stairs, and seeing me pale, my face bloody, and all the marks of the most +thorough dejection, they employed themselves more to comfort and re-inspirit me +than in making me the reproaches I was weak enough to fear, I who had so many +juster and stronger to retort upon them. +</p> + +<p> +Mrs. Brown withdrawn, Phœbe came presently to bed to me, and what with the +answers she drew from me, what with her own method of palpably satisfying +herself, she soon discovered that I had been more frightened than hurt; upon +which I suppose, being herself seized with sleep, and reserving her lectures +and instructions till the next morning, she left me, properly speaking, to my +unrest; for, later tossing and turning the greatest part of the night, and +tormenting myself with the falsest notions and apprehensions of things, I fell, +through mere fatigue into a kind of delirious doze, out of which I waked late +in the morning, in a violent fever: a circumstance which was extremely critical +to reprieve me, at least for a time, from the attacks of a wretch, infinitely +more terrible to me than death itself. +</p> + +<p> +The interested care that was taken of me during my illness, in order to restore +me to a condition of making good the bawd’s engagements, or of enduring +further trials, had, however, such an effect on my grateful disposition that I +even thought myself obliged to my un-doers for their attention to promote my +recovery; and, above all, for the keeping out of my sight of that brutal +ravisher, the author of my disorder, on their finding I was too strongly moved +at the bare mention of his name. +</p> + +<p> +Youth is soon raised, and a few days were sufficient to conquer the fury of my +fever: but, what contributed most to my perfect recovery and to my +reconciliation with life, was the timely news that Mr. Crofts, who was a +merchant of considerable dealings, was arrested at the King’s suit, for +nearly forty thousand pounds, on account of his driving a certain contraband +trade, and that his affairs were so desperate, that even were it in his +inclination, it would not be in his power to renew his designs upon me: for he +was instantly thrown into a prison, which it was not likely he would get out of +in haste. +</p> + +<p> +Mrs. Brown, who had touched his fifty guineas, advanced to so little purpose, +and lost all hopes of the remaining hundred, began to look upon my treatment of +him with a more favourable eye; and as they had observed my temper to be +perfectly tractable and conformable to their views, all the girls that composed +her flock were suffered to visit me, and had their cue to dispose me, by their +conversation, to a perfect resignation of myself to Mrs. Brown’s +direction. +</p> + +<p> +Accordingly they were let in upon me, and all that frolic and thoughtless +gaiety in which those giddy creatures consume either leisure, made me envy a +condition of which I only saw the fair side; insomuch, that the being one of +them became even my ambition: a disposition which they all carefully +cultivated; and I wanted now nothing but to restore my health, that I might be +able to undergo the ceremony of the initiation. +</p> + +<p> +Conversation, example, in short all, contributed, in that house, to corrupt my +native parity, which had taken no root in education; whilst now the inflammable +principal of pleasure, so easily fired at my age, made strange work within me, +and all the modesty I was brought up in the habit, not the instruction of, +began to melt away like dew before the sun’s heat; not to mention that I +made a vice of necessity, from the constant fears I had of being turned out to +starve. +</p> + +<p> +I was soon pretty well recovered, and at certain hours allowed to range all +over the house, but cautiously kept from seeing any company till the arrival of +Lord B——, from Bath, to whom Mrs. Brown, in respect to his +experienced generosity on such occasions, proposed to offer the perusal of that +trinket of mine, which bears so great an imaginary value; and his lordship +being expected in town in less than a fortnight, Mrs. Brown judged I would be +entirely renewed in beauty and freshness by that time, and afforded her the +chance of a better bargain than she had driven with Mr. Crofts. +</p> + +<p> +In the meantime, I was so thoroughly, as they call it, brought over, so tame to +their whistle, that, had my cage door been set open, I had no idea that I ought +to fly anywhere, sooner than stay where I was; nor had I the least sense of +regretting my condition, but waited very quietly for whatever Mrs. Brown should +order concerning me; who on her side, by herself and her agents, took more than +the necessary precautions to lull and lay asleep all just reflections on my +destiny. +</p> + +<p> +Preachments of morality over the left shoulder; a life of joy painted in the +gayest colours; caresses, promises, indulgent treatment; nothing, in short, was +wanting to domesticate me entirely and to prevent my going out anywhere to get +better advice. Alas! I dreamed of no such thing. +</p> + +<p> +Hitherto I had been indebted only to the girls of the house for the corruption +of my innocence: their luscious talk, in which modesty was far from respected, +their description of their engagements with men, had given me a tolerable +insight into the nature and mysteries of their profession, at the same time +that they highly provoked an itch of florid warm-spirited blood through every +vein: but above all, my bed fellow Phœbe, whose pupil I more immediately was, +exerted her talents in giving me the first tinctures of pleasure: whilst +nature, now warmed and wantoned with discoveries so interesting, piqued a +curiosity which Phœbe artfully whetted, and leading me from question to +question of her own suggestion, explained to me all the mysteries of Venus. But +I could not long remain in such a house as that, without being an eye-witness +of more than I could conceive from her descriptions. +</p> + +<p> +One day, about twelve at noon, being thoroughly recovered of my fever, I +happened to be in Mrs. Brown’s dark closet, where I had not been half an +hour, resting upon the maid’s bed, before I heard a rustling in the +bed-chamber, separated from the closet only by two sash doors, before the +glasses of which were drawn two yellow damask curtains, but not so close as to +exclude the full view of the room from any person in the closet. +</p> + +<p> +I instantly crept softly and posted myself so, that seeing everything minutely, +I could not myself be seen; and who should come in but the venerable mother +Abbess herself! handed in by a tall, brawny young Horse-grenadiers, moulded in +the Hercules style: in fine, the choice of the most experienced dame, in those +affairs, in all London. +</p> + +<p> +Oh! how still and hush did I keep at my stand, lest any noise should baulk my +curiosity, or bring Madam into the closet! +</p> + +<p> +But I had not much reason to fear either, for she was entirely taken up with +her present great concern, that she had no sense of attention to spare to +anything else. +</p> + +<p> +Droll was it to see that clumsy fat figure of her’s flop down on the foot +of the bed, opposite to the closet door so that I had a full front view of all +her charms. +</p> + +<p> +Her paramour sat down by her: he seemed to be a man of very few words, and a +great stomach; for proceeding instantly to essentials, he gave her some hearty +smacks, and thrusting his hands into her breasts, disengaged them from her +stays, in scorn of whose confinement they broke loose, and sagged down, +navel-low at least. A more enormous pair did my eyes never behold, nor of a +worse colour, flagging, soft, and most lovingly contiguous: yet such as they +were, this great beef-eater seemed to paw them with a most unenviable lust, +seeking in vain to confine or cover one of them with a hand scarce less than a +shoulder of mutton. After toying with them thus some time, as if they had been +worth it, he laid her down pretty briskly, and canting up her petticoats, made +barely a mask of them to her broad red face, that blushed with nothing but +brandy. +</p> + +<p> +As he stood on one side, unbuttoning his waistcoat and breeches, her fat brawny +thighs hung down, and the whole greasy landscape lay fairly open to my view; a +wide open mouthed gap, overshaded with a grizzly bush, seemed held out like a +beggar’s wallet for its provision. +</p> + +<p> +But I soon had my eyes called off by a more striking object that entirely +engrossed them. +</p> + +<p> +Her sturdy stallion had now unbuttoned, and produced naked, stiff and erect, +that wonderful machine, which I had never seen before, and which, for the +interest my own seat of pleasure began to take furiously in it, I stared at +with all the eyes I had: however, my senses were too much flurried, too much +concentered in that now burning spot of mine, to observe anything more than in +general the make and turn of that instrument; from which the instinct of +nature, yet more than all I had heard of it, now strongly informed me, I was to +expect that supreme pleasure which she had placed in the meeting of those parts +so admirably fitted for each other. +</p> + +<p> +Long, however, the young spark did not remain before giving it two or three +shakes, by way of brandishing it, he threw himself upon her, and his back being +now towards me, I could only take his being ingulphed for granted, by the +directions he moved in, and the impossibility of missing so staring a mark; and +now the bed shook, the curtains rattled so that I could scarce hear the sighs +and murmurs, the heaves and pantings that accompanied the action, from the +beginning to the end; the sound and sight of which thrilled to the very soul of +me, and made every vein of my body circulate liquid fires: the emotion grew so +violent that it almost intercepted my respiration. +</p> + +<p> +Prepared then, and disposed as I was by the discourse of my companions, and +Phœbe’s minute detail of everything, no wonder that such a sight gave +the last dying blow to my native innocence. +</p> + +<p> +Whilst they were in the heat of the action, guided by nature only, I stole my +hand up my petticoats, and with fingers on fire, seized and yet more inflamed +that center of all my senses: my heart palpitated, as if it would force its way +through my bosom: I breathed with pain; I twisted my thighs, squeezed and +compressed the lips of that virgin slit, and following mechanically the example +of Phœbe’s manual operation on it, as far as I could find admission, +brought on at last the critical ecstasy, the melting flow, into which nature, +spent with excess of pleasure, dissolves and dies away. +</p> + +<p> +After which, my senses recovered coolness enough to observe the rest of the +transaction between this happy pair. +</p> + +<p> +The young fellow had just dismounted, when the old lady immediately sprung up, +with all the vigour of youth, derived, no doubt, from her late refreshment; and +making him sit down, began in her turn to kiss him, to pat and pinch his +cheeks, and play with his hair: all which he received with an air of +indifference and coolness that showed him to be much altered from what he was +when he first went on to the breach. +</p> + +<p> +My pious governess, however, not being above calling in auxiliaries, unlocks a +little case of cordials that stood near the bed, and made him pledge her in a +very plentiful dram: after which, and a little amorous parley, Madam set +herself down upon the same place, at the bed’s foot; and the young fellow +standing sidewise by her, she, with the greatest effrontery imaginable, +unbuttons his breeches, and removing his shirt, draws out his affair, so shrunk +and diminished, that I could not but remember the difference, now crest-fallen, +or just faintly lifting its head: but our experience matron very soon, by +chaffing it with her hands, brought it to swell to that size and erection I had +before seen it up to. +</p> + +<p> +I admired then, upon a fresh account, and with a nicer survey, the texture of +that capital part of man: the flaming red head as it stood uncapt, the +whiteness of the shaft, and the shrub growth of curling hair that embrowned the +foots of it, the roundish bag that dangled down from it, all exacted my eager +attention, and renewed my flame. But, as the main affair was now at the point +the industrious dame had laboured to bring it to, she was not in the humour to +put off the payment of her pains, but laying herself down, drew him gently upon +her, and thus they finished, in the same manner as before, the old last act. +</p> + +<p> +This over, they both went out lovingly together, the old lady having first made +him a present, as near as I could observe, of three or four pieces; he being +not only her particular favourite on account of his performances, but a +retainer to the house; from whose sight she had taken great care hitherto to +secret me, lest he might not have had patience to wait for my lord’s +arrival, but have insisted on being his taster, which the old lady was under +too much subjection to him to dare dispute with him; for every girl of the +house fell to him in course, and the old lady only now and then got her turn, +in consideration of the maintenance he had, and which he could scarce be +accused of not earning from her. +</p> + +<p> +As soon as I heard them go down-stairs, I stole up softly to my own room, out +of which I had luckily not been missed; there I began to breathe more free, and +to give a loose to those warm emotions which the sight of such an encounter had +raised in me, I laid me down on the bed, stretched myself out, joining and +ardently wishing, and requiring any means to divert or allay the rekindled rage +and tumult of my desires, which all pointed strongly to their pole: man. I felt +about the bed as if I sought for something that I grasped in my waking dream, +and not finding it, could have cried for vexation; every part of me plowing +with simulated fires. At length, I resorted to the only present remedy, that of +vain attempts at digitation, where the smallness of the theatre did not yet +afford room enough for action, and where the pain my fingers gave me, in +striving for admission, though they procured me a slight satisfaction for the +present, started an apprehension which I could not be easy till I had +communicated to Phœbe and received her explanations upon it. +</p> + +<p> +The opportunity, however, did not offer till next morning, for Phœbe did not +come to bed till long after I was gone to sleep. As soon then as we were both +awake, it was but in course to bring our ly-a-bed chat to hand, on the subject +of my uneasiness: to which a recital of the love scene I had thus, by chance, +been spectatress of, served for a preface. +</p> + +<p> +Phœbe could not hear it to the end without more than one interruption by peals +of laughter, and my ingenuous way of relating matters did not a little heighten +the joke to her. +</p> + +<p> +But, on her sounding me how the sight had affected me, without mincing or +hiding the pleasurable emotions it had inspired me with, I told her at the same +time that one remark had perplexed me, and that very considerably. +“Aye!” says she, “what was that?” “Why,” +replied I, “having very curiously and attentively compared the size of +that enormous machine, which did not appear, at least to my fearful +imagination, less than my wrist, and at least three of my hand-fuls long, to +that of the tender small part of me which was framed to receive it, I could not +conceive its being possible to afford it entrance without dying, perhaps in the +greatest pain, since she well knew that even a finger thrust in there hurt me +beyond bearing. As to my mistress’s and yours, I can very plainly +distinguish the different dimensions of them from mine, palpable to the touch, +and visible to the eye; so that, in short, great as the promised pleasure may +be, I am afraid of the pain of the experiment.” +</p> + +<p> +Phœbe at this redoubled her laugh, and whilst I expected a very serious +solution of my doubts and apprehensions in this matter, only told me that +“she never heard of a mortal wound being given in those parts, by that +terrible weapon, and that some she knew younger, and as delicately made as +myself, had outlived the operation; that she believed, at the worst, I should +take a great deal of liking; that true it was, there was a great diversity of +sizes in those parts, owing to nature, child-bearing, frequent over-stretching +with unmerciful machines, but that at a certain age and habit of body, even the +most experienced in those affairs could not well distinguish between the maid +and the woman, supposing too an absence of all artifice, in their natural +situation: but that since chance had thrown in my way one sight of that sort, +she would procure me another, that should feast my eyes more delicately, and go +a great way in the cure of my fears from that imaginary disproportion”. +</p> + +<p> +On this she asked me if I knew Polly Phillips? “Undoubterly,” says +I, “the fair girl which was so tender of me when I was sick, and has +been, as you told me, but two months in the house.” “The +same,” says Phœbe. “You must know then, she is kept by a young +Genoes merchant, whom his uncle, who is immensely rich, and whose darling he +is, on a pretex of settling some accounts, but in reality to humour his +inclinations for travelling, and seeing the world. He met casually with this +Polly once in company, and taking a likning to her, makes it worth her while to +keep entirely to him. He comes to her here twice or thrice a week, and she +receives him in the light closet up one pair of stairs, where he enjoys her in +a taste, I suppose, peculiar to the heat, or perhaps the caprices of his own +country, I say no more, but to-morrow being his day, you shall see what passes +between them, from a place only known to your mistress and myself.” +</p> + +<p> +You may be sure, in the ply I was now taking, I had no objection to the +proposal, and was rather a tip-toe for its accomplishments. +</p> + +<p> +At five in the evening next day, Phœbe, punctual to her promise, came to me as +I sat alone in my own room, and beckoned me to follow her. +</p> + +<p> +We went down the back stairs very softly, and opening the door of a dark +closet, where there was some old furniture kept, and some cases of liquor, she +drew me in after her, and fastened the door upon us, we had no light but what +came through a long crevice in the partition between ours and the light closet, +where the scene of action lay; so that sitting on those low cases, we could, +with the greatest ease, as well as clearness, see all objects (ourselves +unseen), only by applying our eyes close to the crevice, where the moulding of +a panel had warped, or started a little on the other side. +</p> + +<p> +The young gentleman was the first person I saw, with his back directly towards +me, looking at a print. Polly was not yet come: in less than a minute though, +the door opened, and she came in; and at the noise the door made he turned +about, and come to meet her, with an air of the greatest tenderness and +satisfaction. +</p> + +<p> +After saluting her, he led her to a coach that fronted us, where they both sat +down, and the young Genoes helped her to a glass of wine, with some Naples +biscuits on a salver. +</p> + +<p> +Presently, when they had exchanged a few kisses, and questions in broken +English on one side, he began to unbutton, and, in fine, stript unto his shirt. +</p> + +<p> +As if this had been the signal agreed on for pulling off all their clothes, a +scheme which the heat of the season perfectly favoured, Polly began to draw her +pins, and as she had no stays to unlace, she was in a trice, with her +gallant’s officious assistance, undressed to all but her shift. +</p> + +<p> +When he saw this, his breeches were immediately loosened, waist and knee bands, +and slipped over his ankles, clean off; his shirt collar was unbottoned too: +then, first giving Polly an encouraging kiss, he stole, as it were, the shift +off the girl, who being, I suppose, broke and familiarized to this humour, +blushed indeed, but less than I did at the apparition of her, now standing +stark naked, just as she came ont of the hands of pure nature, with her black +hair loose and a-float down her dazzling white neck and shoulders, whilst the +deepened carnation of her cheeks went off gradually into the hue of glazed +snow: for such were the blended tints polish of her skin. +</p> + +<p> +This girl could not be above eighteen: her face regular and sweet featured, her +shape exquisite; nor could I help envying her two ripe enchanting breasts, +finely plumped out in flesh, but withal so round, so firm, that they sustained +themselves, in scorn of any stay: then their nipples, pointing different ways, +marked their pleasing separation; beneath them lay the delicious tract of the +belly, which terminated in a parting of rift scarce discerning, that modesty +seemed to retire downward, and seek shelter between two plump fleshy thighs: +the curling hair that overspread its delightful front, clothed it with the +richest sable fur in the universe: in short, she was evidently a subject for +the painters to court her, sitting to them for a pattern female beauty, in all +the true pride and pomp of nakedness. +</p> + +<p> +The young Italian (still in his shirt) stood gazing and transported at the +sight of beauties that might have fired a dying hermit; his eager eyes devoured +her, as she shifted attitudes at his discretion: neither were his hands +excluded their share of the high feast, but wandered, on the hunt of pleasure, +over every part and inch of her body, so qualified to afford the most exquisite +sense of it. +</p> + +<p> +In the mean time time, one could not help observing the swell of his shirt +before, that bolstered out, and pointed out the condition of things behind the +curtain: but he soon removed it, by slipping his shirt over his head; and now, +as to nakedness, they had nothing to reproach one another. +</p> + +<p> +The young gentleman, by Phœbe’s guess, was about two and twenty; tall +and well limbed. His body was finely formed, and of a most vigorous make, +square shouldered, and broad chested: his face was not remarkable any way, but +for a nose inclining to the Roman, eyes large, black, and sparkling, and a +ruddiness in his cheeks that was the more a grace; for his complexion was of +the brownest, not of that dusky dun colour which excludes, the idea of +freshness, but of that clear, olive gloss, which glowing with life, dazzles +perhaps less than fairness, and yet pleases more, when it pleases at all. His +hair being too short to tie fell no lower than his neck, in short easy curls; +and he had a few sprigs about his paps, that garnished his chest in a style of +strength and manliness. Then his grand movement, which seemed to rise out of a +thicket of curling hair, that spread from the root all over his thighs and +belly up to the navel, stood stiff and upright, but of a size to frighten me, +by sympathy for the small tender part which was the object of its fury, and +which now lay exposed to my fairest view; for he had, immediately on stoppings +off his shirt, gently pushed her down on the couch, which stood conveniently to +break her willing fall. Her thighs were spread out to their utmost extention, +and discovered between them the mark of the sex, the red-centered cleft of +flesh, whose lips vermillioning inwards, expressed a small ruby line in sweet +miniature, such as Guide’s touch or colouring: could never attain to the +life or delicacy of. +</p> + +<p> +Phœbe, at this, gave me a gentle jog, to prepare me for a whisper question: +“Whether I thought my little maiden-head was much less?” But my +attention was too much engrossed, too much inwrapped with all I saw, to be able +to give her any answer. +</p> + +<p> +By this time the young gentelman had changed her posture from lying breadth to +length-wise on the coach: but her thighs were still spread, and the mark lay +fair for him, who now kneeling between them, displayed to us a side view of +that fierce erect machine of his, which threatened no less than splitting the +tender victim, who lay smiling at the uplifted stroke, nor seemed to decline +it. He looked upon his weapon himself with some pleasure, and guiding it with +his hand to the inviting; slit, drew aside the lips, and lodged it (after some +thrusts, which Polly seemed even to assist) about half way; but there it stuck, +I suppose from its growing thickness: he draws it again, and just wetting it +with spittle, re-enters, and with ease sheathed it now up to the hilt, at which +Polly gave a deep sigh, which was quite another tone than one of pain; he +thrusts, she heaves, at first gently, and in a regular cadence; but presently +the transport began to be too violent to observe any order or measure; their +motions were too rapid, their kisses too fierce’ and fervent for nature +to support such fury long: both seemed to me out of themselves: their eyes +darted fires: “Oh! oh! I can’t bear it. It is too much. I die. I am +going,” were Polly’s expressions of extasy: his joys were more +silent: but soon broken murmurs, sighs heart-fetched, and at length a +dispatching thrust, as if he would have forced himself up her body, and then +the motionless languor of all his limbs, all shewed that the die-away moment +was come upon him; which she gave signs of joining with by, the wild throwing +of her hands about, closing her eyes, and giving a deep sob, in which she +seemed to expire in an agony of bliss. +</p> + +<p> +When he had finished his stroke, and got from off her, she lay still without +the least motion, breathless, as it should seem, with pleasure. He replaced her +again breadth-wise on the couch, unable to sit up, with her thighs open, +between which I could observe a kind of white liquid, like froth, hanging about +the outward lips of that recently opened wound, which now glowed with a deeper +red. Presently she gets up, and throwing her arms round him, seemed far +undelighted with the trial he had put her to, to judge, at least by the +fondness with which she eyed, and hung upon him. +</p> + +<p> +For my part, I will not pretend to describe what I felt over me during this +scene; but from that instant, adieu all fears of what man can do unto me! they +were now changed into such ardent desires, such ungovernable longings, that I +could have by the sleeve, and offered him the bauble, which I now imagined the +loss of would be a gain I could not too soon procure myself. +</p> + +<p> +Phœbe, who had more experience, and to whom such sights were not so new, could +not however, be unmoved at so warm a scene; and drawing me away softly from the +peeping hole, for fear of being overheard, guided me as the door as possible, +all passive and obedient to her least signals. +</p> + +<p> +Here was no room either to sit or lie, but making me stand with my back towards +the door, she lifted up my petticoats, and with her busy fingers fell to visit +and explore that part of me, where I was perfectly sick and ready to die with +desire; that the bare touch of her finger, in that critical place, had the +effect of a fire to a train, and her hand instantly made her sensible to what a +pitch I was wound up, and melted by the sight she had thus procured me. +Satisfied then with her success, in allaying a heat that would have made me +impatient of seeing the continuation of the transactions between our amourous +couple, she brought me again to the crevice, so favourable to our curiosity. +</p> + +<p> +We had certainly been but a few instants away from it, and yet on our return we +saw everything in good forwardness for recommencing the tender hostilities. +</p> + +<p> +The young foreigner was sitting down, fronting us, on the coach, with Polly +upon one knee, who had her arms round his neck, whilst the extreme whiteness of +her skin was not undelightfully contrasted by the smooth glossy brown of her +lover’s. +</p> + +<p> +But who could count the fierce, unnumbered kisses given and taken? In which I +could often discover their mouths were double tongued, and seemed to favour the +mutual insertion with the greatest gust and delight. +</p> + +<p> +In the meantime, his red-headed champion, that had so lately fled the pit, +quelled and abashed, was now recovered to the top of his condition, perked and +crested up between Polly’s thighs, who was not wanting, on her part, to +coax and keep it in good humour, stroking it, with her head down, and receiving +even its velvet tip between the lips of not its proper mouth: whether it was to +render it more glib and easy of entrance, I could not tell; but it had such an +effect, that the young gentleman seemed by his eyes, that sparkled with more +excited lustre, and his inflamed countenance, to receive increase of pleasure. +He got up, and taking Polly in his arms, embraced her, and said something too +softly for me to hear, leading her withal to the foot of the couch, and taking +delight to slap her thighs and posteriors with that stiff sinew of his, which +hit them with a spring that he gave it with his hand, and made them resound +again, but her about as much as he meant to hurt her, for she seemed to have as +frolic a taste as himself. +</p> + +<p> +But guess my surprise, when I saw the lazy young rogue lie down on his back, +and gently pull down Polly upon him, who giving way to his humour, stradled, +and with her hands conducted her blind favourite to the right place; and +following her impulse, ran directly upon the flaming point of this weapon of +pleasure, which she staked herself upon, up pierced, and infixed to the +extremest hair breadth of it: thus she sat on him a few instants, enjoying and +relishing her situation, whilst he toyed with her provoking breasts. Sometimes +she would stoop to meet his kiss: but presently the sting of pleasure spurred +them up to fiercer action; then began the storm of heaves, which, from the +undermost combatant, were thrust at the same time, he crossing his hands over +her, and drawing her home to him with a sweet violence: the inverted strokes of +anvil over hammer soon brought on the critical period, in which all the signs +of a close conspiring extasy informed us of the point they were at. +</p> + +<p> +For me, I could bear to see no more; I was so overcome, so inflamed at the +second part of the same play, that, mad to an intolerable degree, I hugged, I +clasped Phœbe, as if she had wherewithal to relieve me. Pleased however with, +and pitying the taking she could feel me in, she drew towards the door, and +opening it softly as she could, we both got off undiscovered, and reconducted +me to my own room, where, unable to keep my legs, in the agitation I was in, I +instantly threw myself down on the bed, where I lay transported, though ashamed +at what I felt. +</p> + +<p> +Phœbe lay down by me, and asked me archly, “if, now that I had seen the +enemy, and fully considered him, I was still afraid of him? or did I think I +could come to a close engagement with him?” To all which, not a word on +my side; I sighed, and could scarcely breathe. She takes hold of my hand, and +having rolled up her own petticoats, forced it half strivingly, towards those +parts, where, now grown more knowing, I missed the main object of my wishes; +and finding not even the shadow of what I wanted, where every thing was so +flat, or so hollow, in the vexation I was in at it. I should have withdrawn my +hand, but for fear of disobliging her. Abandoning it then entirely to her +management, she made use of it as she thought proper, to procure herself rather +the shadow than the substance of any pleasure. For my part, I now pined for +more solid food, and promised tacitly to myself that I would not be put off +much longer with this foolery of woman to woman, of Mrs. Brown did not soon +provide me with the essential specific. In short, I had all the air of not +being able to wait the arrival of my lord B——, though he was now +expected in a very fews days: nor did I wait for him, for love itself took +charge of the disposal of me, in spite of interest, or gross lust. +</p> + +<p> +It was now two days after the closet scene, that I got up about six in the +morning, and leaving my bedfellow fast asleep, stole down, with no other +thought than of taking a little fresh air in a small garden, which our back +parlour opened into, and from which my confinement debarred me, at the times +company came to my house; but now sleep and silence reigned all over it. +</p> + +<p> +I opened the parlour door, and well surprised was I at seeing, by the side of a +fire half-out, a young gentleman in the old lady’s elbow chair, with his +legs laid upon another, fast asleep, and left there by his thoughtless +companions, who had drank him down, and then went off with every one but his +mistress, whilst he stayed behind by the courtesy of the old matron, who would +not disturb or turn him out in that condition at one in the morning; and beds, +it is more than probable there were none to spare. On the table still remained +the punch bowl and glasses, stewed about in their usual disorder after a +drunken revel. +</p> + +<p> +But when I drew nearer, to view the sleeping estray, heavens! what a sight! No! +term of years, no turn of fortune could ever eraze the lightninglike impression +his form made on me. Yes! dearest object of my earliest passion, I command for +ever the remembrance of thy first appearance to my ravished eyes, it calls thee +up, present; and I see thee now. +</p> + +<p> +Figure to yourself, Madam, fair stripling between eighteen and nineteen, with +his head reclined on one of the sides of the chair, his hair disordered curls, +irregularly shading a face, on which all the roseate bloom of youth and all the +manly graces conspired to fix my eye sand heart; even the languour and paleness +of his face, in which the momentary triumph of the lily over the rose was owing +to the excesses of the night, gave an inexpressible sweetness to the finest +features imaginable: his eyes, closed in sleep, displayed the meeting edges of +their lids beautifully bordered with long eye-lashes; over which no pencil +could have described two more regular arches than those that graced his +forehead, which was high, perfectly white and smooth; then a pair of vermilion +lips, pouting and swelling to the touch, as if a bee had freshly stung them, +seemed to challenge me to get the gloves off this lovely sleeper, had not the +modesty and respect, which in both sexes are inseparable from a true passion, +checked my impulses. +</p> + +<p> +But on seeing his shirt collar unbottoned, and bosom whiter than a drift of +snow, the pleasure of considering it could not bribe me to lengthen it, at the +hazard of a health that began to be my life’s concern. Love, that made me +timid, taught me to be tender too: with a trembling hand I took hold of one of +his, and waking him as gently as possible, he started, and looking, at first a +little wildly, said with a voice that sent its harmonious sound to my heart: +“Pray, child, what-a-clock is it?” I told him, and added that he +might catch cold if he slept longer with his breast open in the cool of the +morning air. On this he thanked me with a sweetness perfectly agreeing with +that of his features and eyes; the last now broad open, and eagerly surveying +me, carried the surightly fires they sparkled with directly to my heart. +</p> + +<p> +It seems, that having drank too freely before he came upon the rake with some +of his young companions, he had put himself out of a condition to go through +all the weapons with them, and crown the night with a getting a mistress; so +that seeing me in a loose undress, he did not doubt but I was one of the misses +of the house, sent in to repair his loss of time; but though he seized that +notion, and a very obvious one it was, without hesitation, yet, whether my +figure made a more than ordinary impression on him, or whether it was his +natural politeness, he addressed me in a manner far from rude, though still on +the foot of one of the house pliers come to amuse him; and giving me the first +kiss that I ever relished from man in my life, asked me if I could favour him +with my company, assuring me that he would make it worth my while: but had not +even new-born love, that true refiner of lust, opposed so sudden a surrender, +the fear of being surprised by the house was a sufficient bar to my compliance. +</p> + +<p> +I told him then, in a tone set by love itself, that for reasons I had not time +to explain to him. I could not stay with him, and might even ever see him +again, with a sigh at these words, which broke from the bottom of my heart. My +conqueror, who, as he afterwards told me, had been struck with my appearance, +and liked me as much as he could think of liking any one in my supposed way of +life, asked me briskly at once, if I would be kept by him, and that he would +take a lodging for me directly, and relieve me from any engagements he presumed +I might be under to the house. +</p> + +<p> +Rash, sudden, undigested, even dangerous as this offer might be from a perfect +stranger, and that stranger a giddy boy, the prodigious love I was struck with +for him, had put a charm into every objection: I not resisting, and blinded me +to every objection; I could, at that instant, have died for him: think if I +could resist an invitation to live with him! Thus my heart, beating strong to +the proposal, dictated my answer, after scarce a minute’s pause, that I +would accept of his offer, and make my escape to him in what way he pleased, +and that I would be entirely at his disposal, let it be good or bad. I have +often since wondered that so great an easiness did not disgust him, or make me +too cheap in his eyes, but my fate had so appointed it, that in his fears of +the hazzard of the town, he had been some time looking out for a girl to take +into keeping, and my person happening to hit his fancy, it was by one of those +miracles reserved to love, that we struck the bargain in the instant, which we +sealed by an exchange of kisses, that the hopes of a more uninterrupted +enjoyment engaged him to content himself with. +</p> + +<p> +Never, however, did dear youth carry in his head more wherewith to justify the +turning of a girl’s head, and making her set all consequences at +defiance, for the sake of following a gallant. +</p> + +<p> +For, besides all the perfections of manly beauty which were assembled in his +form, he had an air of neatness and gentility, certain smartness in the +carriage and port of his head, that yet more distinguished him; his eyes were +sprightly and full of meaning; his looks had in them something at once sweet +and commanding; his complexion out-bloomed the lovely coloured rose, whilst its +inimitable tender vivid glow clearly saved it from the reproach of wanting +life, of raw and dough-like, which is commonly made of those so extremely fair +as he was. +</p> + +<p> +Our little plan was, that I should get out about seven the next morning (which +I could readily promise, as I knew where to get the key of the street door) and +he would wait at the end of the street with a coach to convey me safe off; +after which, we would send, and clear any debt incurred by my stay at Mrs. +Brown’s, who, he only judged, in gross, might not care to part with one, +he thought, so fit to draw custom to the house. +</p> + +<p> +I then just hinted to him not to mention in the house his having seen such a +person as me, for reasons I would explain to him more at leisure. And then, for +fear of miscarrying, by being seen together, I tore myself from him with a +bleeding heart, and stole up softly to my room, where I found Phœbe still fast +asleep, and hurrying off my few clothes, lay down by her, with a mixture of joy +and anxiety, that may be easier conceived than expressed. +</p> + +<p> +The risks of Mrs. Brown’s discovering my purpose, of disappointments, +misery, ruin, all vanished before this new-kindled flame. The seeing, the +touching, the being, if but for a night, with this idol of my fond virgin +heart, appeared to me a happiness above the purchase of my liberty or life. He +might use me ill, let him: he was the master, happy, too happy, even to receive +death at so dear a hand. +</p> + +<p> +To this purpose were the reflections of the whole day, of which every minute +seemed to me a little eternity. How often did I visit the clock! nay, was +tempted to advance the tedious hand, as if that would have advanced the time +with it! Had those of the house had the least observations on me, they must +have remarked something extraordinary from the discomposure I could not help +betraying; especially when at dinner mention was made of the charmingest youth +having been there, and stayed breakfast. “Oh! he was such a beauty!... I +should have died for him!... they would pull caps for him!...” and the +like fooleries; which, however, was throwing oil on a fire I was sorely put to +it to smother the blaze of. +</p> + +<p> +The fluctuations of my mind, the whole day, produced one good effect: which +was, that, through mere fatigue, I slept tolerably well till five in the +morning, when I got up, and having dressed myself, waited, under the double +tortures of fear and impatience, for the appointed hour. It came at last, the +dear, critical, dangerous hour came; and now, supported only by the courage +love lent me, I ventured, a tip-toe, down stairs, leaving my box behind, for +fear of being surprized with it in going out. +</p> + +<p> +I got to the street door, the key whereof was always laid on the chair by our +bed side, in trust with Phœbe, who having not the least suspicion of my +entertaining any design to go from them (nor, indeed, had I, but the day +before), made no reserve or concealment of it from me. I opened the door with +great ease; love, that emboldened, protected me too: and now, got safe into the +street, I saw my new guardian angel waiting at a coach door, ready open. How I +got to him I know not: I suppose I flew; but I was in the coach in a trice, and +he by the side of me, with his arms clasped round me, and giving me the kiss of +welcome. The coachman had his orders, and drove to them. +</p> + +<p> +My eyes were instantly filled with tears, but tears of the most delicious +delight; to find myself in the arms of that beauteous youth, was a rapture that +my little hear swam in; past or future were equally out of the question with +me; the present was as much as all my powers of life were sufficient to bear +the transport of, without fainting. Nor were the most tender embraces, the most +soothing expressions wanting on his side, to assure me of his love, and of +never giving me cause to repent the bold step I had taken, in throwing myself +thus entirely upon his honour and generosity. But, alas! this was no merit in +me, for I was drove to it by a passion too impetuous for me to resist, and, I +did what I did, because I could not help it. +</p> + +<p> +In an instant, for time was now annihilated with me, we were landed at a public +house in Chelsea, hospitably commodious for the reception of duet parties of +pleasure, where a breakfast of chocolate was prepared for us. +</p> + +<p> +An old jolly stager, who kept it, and understood life perfectly well, +breakfasted with us, and leering archly at me, gave us both joy, and said, +“we were well paired, i’ faith! that a great many gentlemen and +ladies used his house, but he had never seen a handsomer couple... he was sure +I was a fresh piece... I looked so country, so innocent! well my spouse was a +lucky man!...” all which, common landlord’s cant, not only pleased +and soothed me, but helped to diver my confusion at being with my new +sovereign, whom, the minute approached, I began to fear to be alone with: a +timidity which true love had a greater share in than even maiden bashful-ness. +</p> + +<p> +I wished, I doated, I could have died for him; and yet, I know not how, or why +I dreaded the point which had been the object of my fiercest wishes; my pulses +beat fears, amidst a flush of the warmest desires. This struggle of the +passions, however, this conflict betwixt modesty and lovesick longings, made me +burst again into tears; which he took, as he had done before, only for the +remains of concern and emotion at the suddenness of my change of condition, in +committing myself to his care; and, in consequence of that idea, did and said +all that he thought would most comfort and re-inspirit me. +</p> + +<p> +After breakfast, Charles (the dear familiar name I must take the liberty +henceforward to distinguish my Adonis by), with a smile full of meaning, took +me gently by the hand, and said: “Come, my dear, I will show you a room +that commands a fine prospect over some gardens”; and without waiting for +an answer, in which he relieved me extremely, he led me up into a chamber, airy +and lightsome, where all seeing of prospects was out of the question, except +that of a bed, which had all the air of recommending the room to him. +</p> + +<p> +Charles had just slipped the bolt of the door, and running, caught me in his +arms, and lifting me from the ground, with his lips glued to mine, bore me +trembling, panting, dying with soft fears and tender wishes, to the bed; where +his impatience would not suffer him to undress me, more than just unpinning my +handkerchief and gowns, and unlacing my stays. +</p> + +<p> +My bosom was now bare, and rising in the warmest throbs, presented to his sight +and feeling the firm hard swell of a pair of young breast, such as may be +imagined of a girl not sixteen, fresh out of the country, and never before +handled: but even their pride, whiteness, fashion, pleasing resistance to the +touch, could not bribe his restless hands from roving; but, giving them the +loose, my petticoats and shift were soon taken up, and their stronger center of +attraction laid open to their tender invasion. My fears, however, made me +mechanically close my thighs; but the very touch of his hand insinuated between +them, disclosed them and opened a way for the main attack. +</p> + +<p> +In the mean time, I lay fairly exposed to the examination of his eyes and +hands, quiet and unresisting; which confirmed him the opinion he proceeded so +cavalierly upon, that I was no novice in these matters, since he had taken me +out of a common bawdy house, nor had I said one thing to prepossess him of my +virginity; and if I had, he would sooner have believed that I took him for a +cully that would swallow such an improbability, than that I was still mistress +of that darling treasure, that hidden mine, so eagerly sought after by the men, +and which they never dig for, but to destroy. +</p> + +<p> +Being now too high wound up to bear a delay, he unbuttoned, and drawing out the +engine of love assaults, drove it currently, as at a ready made breach... Then! +then! for the first time, did I feel that stiff horn-hard gristle, battering +against the tender part; but imagine to yourself his surprise, when he found, +after several vigorous pushes, which hurt me extremely, that he made not the +least impression. +</p> + +<p> +I complained, but tenderly complained: “I could not bear it... indeed he +hurt me!...” Still he thought no more, than that being so young, the +largeness of his machine (for few men could dispute size with him) made all the +difficulty; and that possibly I had not been enjoyed by any so advantageously +made in that part as himself: for still, that my virgin flower was yet +un-cropped, never entered into his head, and he would have thought it idling +with time and words, to have questioned me upon it. +</p> + +<p> +He tried again, still no admittance, still no penetration; but he had hurt me +yet more, while my extreme love made me bear extreme pain, almost without a +groan. At length, after repeated fruitless trials, he lay down panting by me, +kissed my falling tears, and asked me tenderly “what was the meaning of +so much complaining? and if I had not borne it better from other than I did +from him?” I answered, with a simplicity framed to persuade, that he was +the first man that ever served me so. Truth is powerful, and it is not always +that we do not believe what we eagerly wish. +</p> + +<p> +Charles, already disposed by the evidence, of his senses to think my pretences +to virginity not entirely apocryphal, smothers me with kisses, begs me, in +the name of love, to have a little patience, and that he wilt be as tender of +hurting me as he would be of himself.. +</p> + +<p> +Alas! it was enough I knew his pleasure to submit joyfully to him, whatever +pain I foresaw it would cost, me. +</p> + +<p> +He now resumes his attempts in more form: first, he put one of the pillows +under me, to give the blank of his aim a more favourable elevation, and another +Under my head, in ease of it; then spreading my thighs, and placing himself +standing betwen them, made them rest upon his; applying then the point of his +machine to the slit, into which he sought entrance, it was so small, he could +scarce assure himself of its being rightly pointed. He looks, he feels, and +satisfies himself: there driving on with fury, its prodigious stiffness, thus +impacted, wedgelike, breaks the union of those parts, and gained him just the +insertion of the tip of it, lip deep; which being sensible of, he improved his +advantage, and following well his stroke, in a straight line, forcibly deepens +his penetration; but put me to such intolerable pain, from the separation of +the sides of that soft passage by a hard thick body, I could have screamed out; +but, as I was unwilling to alarm the house, I held in my breath, and crammed my +petticoat, which was; turned up over my face, into my mouth, and bit it through +in the agony. At length, the tender texture of that tract giving way to such +fierce tearing and rending, he pierced something further into me: and now, +outrageous and no longer his own master, but borne headlong away by the fury +and over-mettle of that member, now exerting itself with a kind of native rage, +he breaks in, carries all before him, and one violent merciless lunge, sent it, +imbrued, and reeking with virgin blood, up to the very hilt in me... Then! then +all my resolution deserted me: I screamed out, and fainted away with the +sharpness of the pain; and, as he told me afterwards, on his drawing out, when +emission was over with him, my thighs were instantly all in a stream of blood, +that flowed from the wounded torn passage. +</p> + +<p> +When I recovered my senses, I found myself undressed and a-bed, in the arms of +the sweet relenting murderer of my virginity, who hung mourning tenderly over +me, and holding in his hand a cordial, which, coming from the still dear author +of so much pain, I could not refuse; my eyes, however, moistened with tears, +and languishingly turned upon him, seemed to reproach him with his cruelty, and +ask him, if such were the rewards of love. But Charles, to whom I was now +infinitely endeared by his complete triumph over a maidenhead, where he so +little expected to find one, in tenderness to that pain which he had put me to, +in procuring himself the height of pleasure, smothered his exultation, and +employed himself with so much sweetness, so much warmth, to sooth, to caress, +and comfort me in my soft complainings, which breathed, indeed, more love than +resentment, that I presently drowned all sense of pain in the pleasure of +seeing him, of thinking that I belonged to him: he who was now the absolute +disposer of my happiness, and, in one word, my fate. +</p> + +<p> +The sore was, however, too tender, the wound too bleeding fresh, for +Charles’s good-nature to put my patience presently to another trial; but +as I could not stir, or walk a-cross the room, he ordered the dinner to be +brought to the bed side, where it could not be otherwise than my getting down +the wing of a fowl, and two or three glasses of wine, since it was my adored +youth who both served, and urged them on me, with that sweet irresistible +authority with which love had invested him over me. +</p> + +<p> +After dinner, and everything but the wine was taken away, Charles very +impudently asks a leave, he might read the grant of in my eyes, to come to bed +to me, and accordingly falls to undressing; which I could not see the progress +of without strange emotions of fear and pleasure. +</p> + +<p> +He is now in bed with me the first time, and in broad day; but when thrusting +up his own shirt and my shift, he laid his naked glowing body to mine... oh +insupportable delight! oh! superhuman rapture! what pain could stand before a +pleasure so transporting? I felt no more the smart of my wounds below; but, +curling round him like the tendril of a vine, as if I feared any part of him +should be untouched or unpressed by me, I returned his strenuous embraces and +kisses with a fervour and gust only known to true love, and which mere lust +never rise to. +</p> + +<p> +Yes, even at this time, that all the tyranny of the passions is fully over, and +that my veins roll no longer but a cold tranquil stream, the remembrance of +those passages that most affected me in my youth, still cheers and refreshes +me; let me proceed then. My beauteous youth was now glued to me in all the +folds and twists that we could make our bodies meet in; when, no longer able to +rein in the fierceness of refreshed desires, he gives his steed the head, and +gently insinuating his thighs between mine, stopping my mouth with kisses of +humid fire, makes a fresh eruption, and renewing his thrusts, pierces, tears, +and forces his way up the torn tender folds, that yielded him admission with a +smart little less severe that when the breach was first made I stifled, +however, my cries, and bore him with the passive fortitude of an heroine; soon +his thrusts, more and more furious, cheeks flushed with a deeper scarlet, his +eyes turned up in the fervent fit, some dying sighs, and an agonizing shudder, +announced the approaches of that ecstatic pleasure, I was yet in too much pain +to come in for my share of. +</p> + +<p> +Nor was it till after a few enjoyments had numbed and blunted the sense of the +smart, and given me to feel the titillating inspersion of balsamic sweets, drew +from me the delicious return, and brought down all my passion, that I arrived +at excess of pleasure through excess of pain. But, when successive engagements +had broke and inured me, I began to enter into the true unalloyed relish of +that pleasure of pleasures, when the warm gush darts through all the ravished +inwards; what floods of bliss! what melting transports! what agonies of +delight! too fierce, too mighty for nature to sustain?... well has she +therefore, no doubt provided the relief of a delicious momentary dissolution, +the approaches of which are intimated by a dear delirium, a sweet thrill, on +the point of emitting those liquid sweets, in which enjoyment itself is +drowned, when one gives the languishing stretch out, and die at the discharge. +</p> + +<p> +How often, when the rage and tumult of my senses had subsided, after the +melting flow, have I, in a tender meditation, asked myself cooly the question, +if it was in nature for any of its creatures to be so happy as I was? Or, what +were all fears of the consequence, put in the scale of one night’s +enjoyment, of any thing so transcendently the taste of my eyes and heart, as +that delicious, fond, matchless youth. +</p> + +<p> +Thus we spent the whole afternoon, till supper time in a continued circle of +love delights, kissing, turtle-billing, toying, and all the rest of the feast. +At length, supper was served in, before which Charles had, for I do not know +what reason, slipped his clothes on; and sitting down by the bed side, we made +table and tablecloth of the bed and sheets, whilst he suffered nobody to attend +or serve but himself. He ate with a very good appetite, and seemed charmed to +see me eat. For my part, I was so transported with the comparison of the +delights I now swam in, with the insipidity of all my past scenes of life, that +I thought them sufficiently cheap, at even the price of my ruin, or the risk of +their not lasting. The present possession was all my little head could find +room for. +</p> + +<p> +We lay together that night, when, after playing repeated prizes of pleasure, +nature, overspent and satisfied, gave us up to the arms of sleep: those of my +dear youth encircled me, the consciousness of which made even that sleep more +delicious. +</p> + +<p> +Late in the morning I waked, first; and observing my lover slept profoundly, +softly disengaged myself from his arms, scarcely daring to breathe, for fear of +shortening his repose; my cap, my hair, my shift, were all in disorder, from +the rufflings I had undergone; and I took this opportunity to adjust and set +them as well as I could: whilst, every now and then, looking at the sleeping +youth, with inconceivable fondness and delight, and reflecting on all the pain +he had put me to, tacitly owned that the pleasure had overpaid me for my +sufferings. +</p> + +<p> +It was then broad day. I was sitting up in the bed, the clothes of which were +all tossed, or rolled off, by the unquietness of our motions, from the sultry +heat of the weather; nor could I refuse myself a pleasure that solicited me so +irresistibly, as this fair occasion of feasting my sight with all those +treasures of youthful beauty I had enjoyed, and which lay now almost entirely +naked, his shirt being trussed up in a perfect wisp, which the warmth of the +season and room made me easy about the consequence of. I hung over him +enamoured indeed! and devoured all his naked charms with only two eyes, when I +could have wished them at least an hundred for the fuller enjoyment of the +gaze. +</p> + +<p> +Oh! could I paint his figure as I see it now, still present to my transported +imagination! a whole length of an all perfect manly beauty in full view. Think +of a face without a fault, glowing with all the opening bloom and verdant +freshness of an age, in which beauty is of either sex, and which the first down +over his upper lip scarce began to distinguish. +</p> + +<p> +The parting of the double ruby pout of his lips seemed to exhale an air sweeter +and purer than what it drew in: ah! what violence did it not cost me to refrain +the so tempted kiss! +</p> + +<p> +Then a neck exquisitely turned, graved behind and on the sides with fais hair, +playing freely in natural ringlets, connected his head to a body of the most +perfect form, and of the most vigorous contexture, in which all the strength of +manhood was concealed, and softened to appearance by the delicacy of his +complexion, the smoothness of his skin, and the plumpness of his flesh. +</p> + +<p> +The platform of his snow white bosom, that was laid out in a manly proportion, +presented, on the vermilion summit of each pap, the idea of a rose about to +blow. +</p> + +<p> +Nor did his shirt hinder me from observing the symmetry of his limbs, that +exactness of shape, in the fall of it towards the loins, where the waist ends +and the rounding swell of the hips commences; where the skin, sleek, smooth, +and dazzling white, burnishes on; the stretch-over firm, plump, ripe flesh, +that crimped’ and ran into dimples at the least pressure, or that the +touch could not rest upon, but slid over on the surface of the most polished +ivory. +</p> + +<p> +His thighs, finely fashioned, and with a florid glossy roundness, gradually +tapering away to the knees, seemed pillars worthy to support that beauteous +frame at the bottom of which I could not, without some remains of terror, some +tender emotions too, fix my eyes on that terrible machine, which had, not long +before, with such fury broke into, torn, and almost ruined those soft, tender +parts of mine, that had not yet done smarting with the effects of its rage; but +behold it now! crest fallen, reclining its half-caped vermilion head over one +of his thighs, quiet, pliant, and to all appearances incapable of the mischiefs +and cruelty it had committed. Then the beautiful growth of the hair, in short +and soft curls round its roots, its whiteness, branched veins, the supple +softness of the shaft, as it lay foreshortened, rolled and shrunk up into a +squat thickness, languid, and borne up from between his thighs, by its globular +appendage, that wondrous treasure bag of nature’s sweets, which revelled +round, and pursed up in the only wrinkles that are known to please, perfected +the prospect, and altogether formed the most interesting moving picture in +nature, and surely infinitely superior to those nudities furnished by the +painters, statuaries, or any art, which are purchased at immense prices; whilst +the sight of them in actual life is scarce sovereignly tasted by any but the +few whom nature has endowed with a fire of imagination, warmly pointed by a +truth of judgment to the spring-head, the originals of beauty, of +nature’s unequalled composition, above all the imitations of art, or the +reach of wealth to pay their price. +</p> + +<p> +But every thing must have an end. A motion made by this angelic youth, in the +listlessness of goingoff sleep, replaced his shirt and the bed clothes in a +posture that shut up that treasury from longer view. +</p> + +<p> +I lay down then, and carrying my hands to that part of me in which the objects +just seen had begun to raise a mutiny, that prevailed over the smart of them, +my fingers now opened themselves an easy passage; but long I had not time to +consider the wide difference there, between the maid and the now finished +woman, before Charles waked, and turning towards me, kindly enquired how I had +rested? and, scarce giving me time to answer, imprinted on my lips one of his +burning rapture kisses, which darted a flame to my heart, that from thence +radiated to every part of me; and presently, as if he had proudly meant revenge +for the survey I had smuggled of all his naked beauties, he spurns off the bed +clothes, and trussing up my shift as high as it would go, took his turn to +feast his eyes on all the gifts nature had bestowed on my person; his busy +hands, too, ranged intemperately over every part of me. The delicious austerity +and hardness of my yet unripe budding breasts, the whiteness and firmness of my +flesh, the freshness and regularity of my features, the harmony of my limbs, +all seemed to confirm him in his satisfaction with his bargain; but when +curious to explore the havock he had made in the centre of his over fierce +attack, he not only directed his hands there, but with a pillow put under, +placed me favourably for his wanton purpose of inspection. Then, who can +express the fire his eyes glistened, his hands glowed with! whilst sighs of +pleasure, and tender broken exclamations, were all the praises he could utter. +By this time his machine, stiffly risen at me, gave me to see it in its highest +state and bravery. He feels it himself, seems pleased at its condition, and, +smiling loves and graces, seizes one of my hands, and carries it, with gentle +compulsion, to this pride of nature, and its richest master piece. +</p> + +<p> +I, struggling faintly, could not help feeling what I could not grasp, a column +of the whitest ivory, beautifully streaked with blue veins, and carrying, fully +un-capt, a head of the liveliest vermilion: no horn could be harder or stiffer; +yet no velvet more smooth or delicious to the touch. Presently he guided my +hand lower, to that part in which nature, and pleasure keep their stores in +concert, so aptly fastened and hung on to the root of their first instrument +and minister, that not improperly he might be styled their purse-bearer too: +there he made me feel distinctly, through their soft cover, the contents, a +pair of roundish balls, that seemed to play within, and elude all pressure, but +the tenderest, from without. +</p> + +<p> +But now this visit of my soft, warm hand, in those so sensible parts, had put +every thing into such ungovernable fury, disdaining all further preluding, and +taking advantage of my commodious posture, he made the storm fall where I +scarce patiently expected, and where he was sure to lay it: presently, then, I +felt the stiff intersection betwen the yielding, divided lips of the wound, now +open for life; where the narrowness no longer put me to intolerable pain, and +afforded my lover no more difficulty than what heightened his pleasure, in the +strict embrace of that tender, warm sheath, round the instrument it was so +delicately adjusted to, and which now cased home, so gorged me with pleasure, +that it perfectly suffocated me and took away my breath; then the killing +thrusts! the unnumbered kisses! every one of which was a joy inexpressible; and +that joy lost in a crowd of yet greater blisses! But this was a disorder too +violent in nature to last long: the vessels, so stirred and intensely heated, +soon boiled over, and for that time put out the fire; meanwhile all this +dalliance and disport had so far consumed the morning, that it became a kind of +necessity to lay breakfast and dinner into one. +</p> + +<p> +In our calmer intervals Charles gave the following account of himself, every +tittle of which was true. He was the only son of a father, who, having a small +post in the revenue, rather overlived his income, and had given this young +gentleman a very slender education: no profession had he bred him up to, but +designed to provide for him in the army, by purchasing him an ensign’s +commission, that is to say, provided he could raise the money, or procure it by +interest, either of which clauses was rather to be wished than hoped for by +him. On no better a plan, however, had his improvident father suffered this +youth, a youth of great promise, to run up to the age of manhood, or near it at +least, in next to idleness; and had, besides, taken no sort of pains to give +him even the common premonitions against the vices of the town, and the dangers +of all sorts which wait the unexperienced and unwary in it. He lived at home, +and at discretion with his father, who himself kept a mistress; and for the +rest, provided Charles did not ask him for money, he was indolently kind to +him: he might lie out when he pleased, any excuse would serve, and even his +reprimands were so slight, that they carried with them rather an air of +connivance at the fault, than any serious control or constraint. But, to supply +his calls for money, Charles, whose mother was dead, had, by her side, a +grandmother, who doated upon him. She had a considerable annuity to live on, +and very regularly parted with every shilling she could spare, to this darling +of her’s, to the no little heart-burn of his father; who was vexed, not +that she, by this means, fed his son’s extravagance, but that she +preferred Charles to himself; and we shall too soon see what a fatal turn such +a mercenary jealousy could operate on the breast of a father. +</p> + +<p> +Charles was, however, by the means of his grandmother’s lavish fondness, +very sufficiently enabled to keep a mistress, so easily contented as my love +made me; and my good fortune, for such I must ever call it, threw me in his +way, in the manner above related, just as he was on the look-out for one. +</p> + +<p> +As to temper, the even sweetness of it made him seem born for domestic +happiness: tender, naturally polite, and gentle-manner’d; it could never +be his fault, if ever jars, or animosities ruffled a calm he was so qualified +every way to maintain or restore. Without those great or shining qualities that +constitute a genius, or are fit to make a noise in the world, he had all those +humble ones that compose the softer social merit: plain common sense, set off +with every grace of modesty and good nature, made him, if not admired, what is +much happier: universally beloved and esteemed. But, as nothing but the +beauties of his person had at first attracted my regard and fixed my passion, +neither was I then a judge of the internal merit, which I had afterwards full +occasion to discover, and which, perhaps, in that season of giddiness and +levity, would have touched my heart very little, had it been lodged in a person +less the delight of my eyes, and idol of my senses. But to return to our +situation. +</p> + +<p> +After dinner, which we ate a-bed in most voluptuous disorder, Charles got up, +and taking a passionate leave of me for a few hours, went to town, where +concerting matters with a young sharp lawyer, they went together to my late +venerable mistress’s, from whence I had, but the day before, made my +elopement, and with whom he was determined to settle accounts, in a manner that +should cut off all after reckonings from that quarter. +</p> + +<p> +Accordingly they went; but by the way, the Templar, his friend, on thinking +over Charles’s information, saw reason to give their visit another turn, +and, instead of offering satisfaction, to demand it. +</p> + +<p> +On being let in, the girls of the house flocked round Charles, whom they knew, +and from the earlyness of my escape, and their perfect ignorance of his ever +having so much as seen me, not having the least suspicion of his being +accessory to my flight, they were, in their way, making up to him; and as to +his companion, they took him probably for a fresh cully. But the Templar soon +checked their forwardness, by enquiring for the old lady, with whom he said, +with a grave-like countenance, that he had some business to settle. +</p> + +<p> +Madam was immediately sent for down, and the ladies being desired to clear the +room, the lawyer asked her, severely, if she did know, or had not decoyed, +under pretence of hiring as a servant, a young girl, just come out of the +country, called Frances or Fanny Hill, describing me withal as particularly as +he could from Charlie’s description. +</p> + +<p> +It is peculiar to vice to tremble at the enquiries of justice; and Mrs. Brown, +whose conscience was not entirely clear upon my account, as knowing as she was +of the town as hackneyed as she was in bluffing through all the dangers of her +vocation, could not help being alarmed at the questions, especially when he +went on to talk of a Justice of peace, Newgate, the Old Bailey, indictments for +keeping a disorderly house, pillory, carting, and the whole process of that +nature. She, who, it is likely, imagined I had lodged an information against +her house, looked extremely blank, and began to make a thousand protestations +and excuses. However, to abridge, they brought away triumphantly my box of +things, which, had she not ben under an awe, she might have disputed with them; +and not only that, but a clearance and discharge of any demands on the house, +at the expense of no more than a bowl of arrack-punch, the treat of which, +together with the choice of the house conveniences, was offered and not +accepted. Charles all the time acted the chance companion of the lawyer, who +had brought him there, as he knew the house, and appeared in no wise interested +in the issue; but he had the collateral pleasure of hearing all that I told him +verified, as far as the bawd’s fears would give her leave to enter into +my history, which, if one may guess by the composition she so readily came +into, were not small. +</p> + +<p> +Phœbe, my kind tutoress Phœbe, was at the time gone out, perhaps in search of +me, or their cooked-up story had not, it is probable, passed smoothly. +</p> + +<p> +This negociation had, however, taken up some time, which would have appeared +much longer to me, left as I was, in a strange house, if the landlady, a +motherly sort of a woman, to whom Charles had liberally recommended me, had not +come up and borne me company. We drank tea, and her chat helped to pass away +the time very agreeably, since he was our theme; but as the evening deepened, +and the hour set for his return was elapsed, I could not dispel the gloom of +impatience, and tender fears which gathered upon me, and which our timid sex +are apt to feel in proportion to their love. +</p> + +<p> +Long, however, I did not suffer: the sight of him over-paid me; and the soft +reproach I had prepared for him, expired before it reached my lips. +</p> + +<p> +I was still a-bed, yet unable to use my legs otherwise than awkwardly, and +Charles flew to me, catches me in his arms, raised and extending mine to meet +his dear embrace, and gives me an account, interrupted by many a sweet +parenthesis of kisses, of the success of his measures. +</p> + +<p> +I could not help laughing at the fright of the old woman had been put into, +which my ignorance, and indeed my want of innocence, had far from prepared me +from bespeaking. She had, it seems, apprehended that I fled the shelter to some +relation I had recollected in town, on my dislike of their ways and proceedings +towards me, and that this application came from thence; for, as Charles had +rightly judged, not one neighbour had, at that still hour, seen the +circumstance of my escape into the coach, or, at least, noticed him; neither +had any in the house, the least hint of suspicion of my having spoken to him, +much less of my having clapt up such a sudden bargain with a perfect stranger, +thus the greatest improbability is not always what we should most mistrust. +</p> + +<p> +We supped with all the gaiety of two young giddy creatures at the top of their +desires; and as I had given up to Charles the whole charge of my future +happiness, I thought of nothing beyond the exquisite pleasure of possessing +him. +</p> + +<p> +He came to bed in due time; and this second night, the pain being pretty well +over, I tasted, in full draught, all the transports of perfect enjoyment: I +swam, I bathed in bliss, till both fell asleep, through the natural +consequences of satisfied desires, and appeased flames; nor did we wake but to +renewed raptures. +</p> + +<p> +Thus, making the most of love, and life did we stay in this lodging in Chelsea +about ten days; in which time Charles took care to give his excursions from +home a favourable gloss, and to keep his footing with his fond indulgent +grand-mother, from whom he drew constant and sufficient supplies for the charge +I was to him, and which was very trifling, in comparison with his former less +regular course of pleasure. +</p> + +<p> +Charles removed me then to a private ready furnished lodging in D.... street, +St. James’s, where he paid half a guinea a week for two rooms and a +closet on the second floor, which he had been some time looking out for, and +was more convenient for the frequency of his visits, than where he had at first +placed me, in a house, which I cannot say but I left with regret, as it was +infinitely endeared to me by the first possession of my Charles, and the +circumstance of losing, there, that jewel, which can never be twice lost. The +landlord, however, had no reason to complain of any thing, but of a procedure +in Charles too liberal not to make him regret the loss of us. +</p> + +<p> +Arrived at our new lodging, I remember I thought them extremely fine, though +ordinary enough, even at that price; but, had it been a dungeon that Charles +had brought me to, his presence would have made a little Versailles. +</p> + +<p> +The landlady, Mrs. Jones, waited on us to our apartment, and with great +volubility of tongue, explained to us all its conveniences: “that her own +maid should wait on us... that the best of quality had lodged at her house... +that her first floor was let to a foreign secretary of an embassy, and his +lady... that I looked like a very good natured lady...” At the word lady, +I blushed out of flattered vanity: this was strong for a girl of my condition; +for though Charles had the precaution of dressing me in a less tawdry flaunting +style than were the clothes I escaped to him in, and of passing me for his +wife, that she had secretly married, and kept private (the old story) on +account of his friends, I dare swear this appeared extremely apocryphal to a +woman who knew the town so well as she did; but that was the least of her +concern: it was impossible to be less scruple-ridden than she was; and the +advantage of letting her rooms being her sole object, the truth itself would +have far from scandalized her, or broke her bargain. +</p> + +<p> +A sketch of her picture, and personal history, will dispose you to account for +the part she is to act in my concern. +</p> + +<p> +She was about forty six years old, tall, meagre, red-haired, with one of those +trivial ordinary faces you meet with every where, and go about unheeded and +un-mentioned. In her youth she had been kept by a gentleman, who, dying, left +her forty pounds a year during her life, in consideration of a daughter he had +by her: which daughter, at the age of seventeen, she sold, for not a very +considerable sum neither, to a gentleman who was going on envoy abroad, and +took his purchase with him, where he used her with the utmost tenderness, and +it is thought, was secretly married to her: but had constantly made a point of +her not keeping up the least correspondence with a mother base enough to make a +market of her own flesh and blood. However, as she had not nature, nor, indeed, +any passion but that of money, this gave her no further uneasiness, then, as +she thereby lost a handle of squeezing presents, or other after advantages, +out of the bargain. Indifferent then, by nature of constitution, to every other +pleasure but that of increasing the lump, by any means whatever, she commenced +a kind of private procuress, for which she was not amiss fitted, by her grave +decent appearance, and sometimes did a job in the match-making way; in short, +there was, nothing that appeared to her under the shape of gain, that she would +not have undertaken. She knew most of the ways of the town, having not only +herself been upon, but kept up constant intelligences in promoting a harmony +between the two sexes, in private pawn-broking, and other profitable secrets. +She rented the house she lived in, and made the most of it, by letting it out +in lodgings; though she was worth, at least, near three or four thousand +pounds, she would not allow herself even the necessaries, of life, and pinned +her subsistence entirely on what she could squeeze out of her lodgers. +</p> + +<p> +When she saw such a young pair come under her roof, her immediate notions, +doubtless, were how she should make the most money of us, by every means that +money might be made, and which, she rightly judged, our situations and +inexperience would soon beget her occasions of. +</p> + +<p> +In this hopeful sanctuary, and under the clutches of this harpy, did we pitch +our residence. It will not be might material to you, or very pleasant to me, to +enter into a detail of all the petty cut-throat ways and means with which she +used to fleece us; all which Charles indolently chose to bear with, rather than +take the trouble of removing, the difference of expense being scarce attended +to by a young gentleman who had no ideas of stint, or even economy, and a raw +country girl who knew nothing of the matter. +</p> + +<p> +Here, however, under the wings of my sovereignly beloved, did the most +delicious hours of my life flow on; my Charles I had, and, in him, every thing +my fond heart could wish or desire. He carried me to plays, operas, +masquerades, and every diversion of the town; all which pleased me, indeed, but +pleased me infinitely the more for his being with me, and explaining every +thing to me, and enjoying perhaps, the natural impressions of surprise and +admiration, which such sights, at the first, never fail to excite in a country +girl, new to the delights of them; but to me, they sensibly proved the power +and dominion of the sole passion of my heart over me, a passion in which soul +and body were concentered, and left me no room for any other relish of life but +love. +</p> + +<p> +As to the men I saw at those places, or at any other, they suffered so much in +the comparison my eyes made of them with my all-perfect Adonis, that I had not +the infidelity even of one wandering thought to reproach myself with upon his +account. He was the universe to me, and all that was not him, was nothing to +me. +</p> + +<p> +My love, in fine, was so excessive, that is arrived at annihilating every +suggestion or kindling spark of jealousy; for, one idea only, tending that way, +gave me such exquisite torment, that my self-love, and dread of worse than +death, made me for ever renounce and defy it: nor had I, indeed, occasion; for, +were I to enter here on the recital of several instances wherein Charles +sacrificed to me women of much greater importance than I dare hint (which, +considering his form, was no such wonder), I might, indeed, give you full proof +of his unshaken constancy to me; but would not you accuse me of warming up +against a feast, which my vanity ought long ago to have been satisfied with? +</p> + +<p> +In our cessations from active pleasure, Charles framed himself one, in +instructing me, as far as his own lights reached, in a great many points of +life, that I was, in consequence of my no-education, perfectly ignorant of: nor +did I suffer one word to fall in vain from the mouth of my lovely teacher: I +hung on every syllable he uttered, and received, as oracles, all he said; +whilst kisses were all the interruption I could not refuse myself the pleasure +of admitting, from lips that breathed more than Arabian sweetness, I was in a +little time enabled, by the progress I had made, to prove the deep regard I had +paid to all that he had said to me: repeating it to him almost word for word; +and to shew that I was not entirely the parrot, but that I reflected upon, that +I entered into it, I joined my own comments, and asked him questions of +explanation. +</p> + +<p> +My country accent, and the rusticity of my gait, manners, and deportment, began +now sensibly to wear off: so quick was my observation, and so efficacious my +desire of growing every day worthier of his heart. +</p> + +<p> +As to money, though, he brought me constantly all he received, it was with +difficulty he even got me to give it room in my bureau; and what clothes I had, +he could prevail on me to accept of on no other foot, than that of pleasing him +by the greater neatness in my dress, beyond which I had no ambition. I could +have made a pleasure of the greatest toil, and worked my fingers to the bone, +with joy, to have supported him: guess, then, if I could harbour any idea of +being burthensome to him, and this disinterested turn in me was so unaffected, +so much the dictate of my heart, that Charles could not but feel it: and if he +did not love me as much as I did him (which was the constant and only matter of +sweet contention between us), he managed so, at least, as to give me the +satisfaction of believing it impossible for man to be more tender, more true, +more faithful than he was. +</p> + +<p> +Our landlady, Mrs. Jones, came frequently up to my apartment, from whence I +never stirred on any pretext without Charles; nor was it long before she wormed +out, without much art, the secret of our having cheated the church of a +ceremony, and, in course, of the terms we lived together upon; a circumstance +which far from displeased her, considering the designs she had upon me, and +which, alas! she will have too soon, room to carry into execution. But in the +meantime, her own experience of life let her see, that any attempt, however +indirect or disguised, to divert or break, at least presently, so strong a +cement of hearts as ours was, could only end in losing two lodgers, of whom she +had made very competent advantages, if either of us came to smoke her +commission, for a commission she had from one of her customers, either to +debauch, or get me away from my keeper at any rate. +</p> + +<p> +But the barbarity of my fate soon saved her the task of disuniting us. I had +now been eleven months with this life of my life, which had passed in one +continued rapid stream of delight: but nothing so violent was ever made to +last. I was about three months gone with a child by him, a circumstances would +have added to his tenderness, had he ever left me room to believe it could +receive an addition, when the mortal, the unexpected blow of separation fell +upon us. I shall gallop post-over the particulars, which I shudder yet to think +of, and cannot; to this instant, reconcile myself how, or by what means I could +out-live it. +</p> + +<p> +Two live-long days had I lingered through without hearing from him, I who +breathed, who existed but in him, and had never yet seen twenty-four hours pass +without seeing or hearing from him. The third day my impatience was so strong, +my alarms had been so severe, that I perfectly sickened with them; and being +unable to support the shock longer, I sunk upon the bed, and ringing for Mrs. +Jones, who had far from comforted me under my anxieties, she came up, and I had +scarce breath and spirit enough to find words to beg of her, if she would save +my life, to fall upon some means of finding out, instantly, what was become of +its only prop and comfort. She pitied me in a way that rather sharpened my +affliction than suspended it, and went out upon this commission. +</p> + +<p> +For she had but to go to Charles’s house, who lived but an easy distance, +in one of the streets that run into Covent Garden. There she went into a public +house, and from thence sent for a mid servant, whose name I had given her, as +the properest to inform her. +</p> + +<p> +The maid readily came, and as readily, when Mrs. Jones enquired of her what had +become of Mr. Charles, or whether he was gone out of town, acquainted her with +the disposal of her master’s son, which, the very day after, was no +secret to the servants. Such sure measures had he taken, for the most cruel +punishment of his child for having more interest with his grandmother than he +had, though he made use of a pretence, plausible enough, to get rid of him in +this secret abrupt manner, for fear her fondness should have interposed a bar +to his leaving England, and proceeding on a voyage he had concerted for him; +which pretext was, that it was indispensably necessary to secure a considerable +inheritance that devolved to him by the death of a rich merchant (his own +brother) at one of the factories in the South Seas, of which he had lately +received advice, together with a copy of the will. +</p> + +<p> +In consequence of which resolution, to send away his son, he had, unknown to +him, made the necessary preparations for fitting him out, struck a bargain with +the captain of a ship, whose punctual execution of his orders he had secured, +by his interest with his principal owners and patron; and, in short, concerted +his measures so secretly, and effectually, that whilst the son thought he was +going down to the river, that would take him a few hours, he was stopt on board +of a ship, debarred from writing, and more strictly watched than a State +criminal. +</p> + +<p> +Thus was the idol of my soul torn from me, and forced on a long voyage, without +taking leave of one friend, or receiving one line of comfort, except a dry +explanation and instructions, from his father, how to proceed when he should +arrive at his destined port, enclosing, withal, some letters of recommendation +to a factor there: all these particulars I did not learn minutely till some +time after. +</p> + +<p> +The maid, at the same time, added, that she was sure this usage of her sweet +young master would be the death of his grand-mamma, as indeed it proved true; +for the old lady, on hearing it, did not survive the news a whole month, and as +her fortune consisted in an annuity, out of which she had laid up no reserves, +she left nothing worth mentioning to her so fatally envied darling, but +absolutely refused to see his father before she died. +</p> + +<p> +When Mrs. Jones returned, and I observed her looks, they seemed so unconcerned, +and even nearest to pleased, that I half flattered myself she was going to set +my tortured heart at ease, by bringing me good news; but this, indeed, was a +cruel delusion of hope: the barbarian, with all the coolness imaginable, stabs +me to the heart, in telling me, succinctly, that he was sent away, at least, on +a four years’ voyage (here she stretched maliciously), and that I could +not expect, in reason, ever to see him again: and all this with such pregnant +circumstances, that I could not escape giving them credit, as they were, +indeed, too true! +</p> + +<p> +She had hardly finished her report before I fainted away, and after several +successive fits, all the while wild and senseless, I miscarried of the dear +pledge of my Charles’s love; but the wretched never die when it is +fittest they should die, and women are hard-lived! to a proverb. +</p> + +<p> +The cruel and interested care taken to recover me, saved an odious life: which, +instead of the happiness and joys it had overflower in, all of a sudden +presented no view before me of any thing but the depth of misery, horror, and +the sharpest affliction. +</p> + +<p> +Thus I lay six weeks, in the struggles of youth and constitution, against the +friendly efforts of death, which I constantly invoked to my relief and +deliverance, but which proved too weak for my wish. I recovered at length, but +into a state of stupefaction and despair, that threatened me with the loss of +my senses, and a mad house. +</p> + +<p> +Time, however, that great comforter in ordinary, began to assuage the violence +of my suffering, and to numb my feeling of them. My health returned to me, +though I still retained an air of grief, dejection, and languor, which taking +off from the ruddiness of my country complexion, rendered it rather more +delicate and affecting. +</p> + +<p> +The landlady had all this while officiously provided, and seen that I wanted +for nothing: and as soon as she saw me retrieved into a condition of answering +her purpose, one day, after we had dined together, she congratulated me on my +recovery, the merit of which she took entirely to herself, and all this by way +of introduction to a most terrible, and scurvy epilogue: “You are +now,” says she, “Miss Fanny, tolerably well, and you are very +welcome to stay in these lodgings as; long as you please! you see I have asked +you for nothing this long time, but truly I have a call to make up a sum of +money, which must be answered.” And, with that, presents me with a bill +of arrears for rent, diet, apothecaries’ charges, nurse, etc., sum total +twenty-three pounds, seventeen and six-pence: towards discharging of which I +had not in the world (which she well knew) more than seven guineas, left by +chance, of my dear Charles’s common stock, with me. At the same time, she +desired me to tell her what course I would take for payment. I burst out into a +flood of tears, and told her my condition: that I would sell what few clothes I +had, and that, for the rest, would pay her as soon as possible. But my +distress, being favourable to her view, only stiffened her the more. +</p> + +<p> +She told me, very cooly, that “she was indeed sorry for my misfortunes, +but that she must do herself justice, though it would go to the very heart of +her to send such a tender young creature to prison....” At the word +“prison!” every drop of my blood chilled, and my fright acted so +strongly upon me, that, turning as pale and faint as a criminal at the first +sight of his place of execution, I was on the point of swooning. My landlady, +who wanted only to terrify me to a certain point, and not to throw me into a +state of body inconsistent with her designs upon it, began to sooth me again, +and told me, in a tone composed to more pity and gentleness, that “it +would be my own fault, if she was forced to proceed to such extremities; but +she believed there was a friend to be found in the world, who would make up +matters to both our satisfactions, and that she would bring him to drink tea +with us that very afternoon, when she hoped we would come to a right +understanding in our affairs.” To all this, not a word of answer; I sat +mute, confounded, terrified. +</p> + +<p> +Mrs. Jones, however, judging rightly that it was time to strike while the +impressions were so strong upon me, left me to myself and to all the terrors of +an imagination, wounded to death by the idea of going to prison, and, from a +principle of self-preservation, snatching at every glimpse of redemption from +it. +</p> + +<p> +In this situation I sat near half an hour, swallowed up in grief and despair, +when my landlady came in, and observing a death-like dejection in my +countenance, still in pursuance of her plan, put on a false pity, and bidding +me be of good heart: “Things,” she said, “would be but my own +friend”; and closed with telling me “she had brought a very +honourable gentleman to drink tea with me, who would give me the best advice +how to get rid of all my troubles.” Upon which, without waiting for a +reply, she goes out, and returns with this very honourable gentleman, whose +very honourable procuress she had been, on this, as well as other occasions. +</p> + +<p> +The gentleman, on his entering the room, made me a very civil bow, which I had +scarce strength, or presence of mind enough to return a curtsey to; when the +landlady, taking upon her to do all the honours of the first interview (for I +had never, that I remember, seen the gentleman before), sets a chair for him, +another for herself. All this while not a word on either side; a stupid stare +was all the face I could put on this strange visit. +</p> + +<p> +The tea was made, and the landlady, unwilling, I suppose, to lose any time, +observing my silence and shyness before this entire stranger: “Come, Miss +Fanny,” says she, in a coarse familiar style, and tone of authority, +“hold up your head, child, and do not let sorrow spoil that pretty face +of yours. What! sorrows are only for a time; come, be free, here is a worthy +gentleman who has heard of your misfortunes, and is willing to serve you; you +must be better acquainted with him, do not you now stand upon your punctilios, +and this and that, but make your market while you may.” +</p> + +<p> +At this so delicate, and eloquent harangue, the gentleman, who saw I looked +frighted and amazed, and, indeed, incapable of answering, took her up for +breaking things in so abrupt a manner, as rather to shock than incline me to an +acceptance of the good he intended me then, addressing himself to me, told me +“he was perfectly acquainted with my whole story, and every circumstance +of my distress which he owned was a cruel plunge for one of my youth and beauty +to fall into.... that he had long taken a liking to my person, for which he +appealed to Mrs. Jones, there present; but finding me so deeply engaged to +another, he had lost all hopes of succeeding, till he had heard the sudden +reverse of fortune that had happened to me, on which he had given particular +orders to my landlady to see that I should want for nothing; and that, had he +not been forced abroad to the Hague, on affairs he could not refuse himself to, +he would himself have attended me during my sickness;... that on his return, +which was the day before, he had, on learning my recovery, desired my +landlady’s good offices to introduce him to me, and was as angry, at +least, as I was shocked, at the manner in which she had conducted herself +towards obtaining him that happiness; but, that to show me how much he +disdained her procedure, and how far he was from taking any ungenerous +advantage of my situation, and from exacting any security for my gratitude, he +would before my face, that instant, discharge my debt entirely to my landlady, +and give me her receipt in full; after which I should be at liberty either to +reject or grant his suit, as he was much above putting any force upon my +inclinations.” +</p> + +<p> +Whilst he was exposing his sentiments to me, I ventured just to look up to him, +and observed his figure, which was that of a very well-looking gentleman, well +made, of about forty, dressed in a suit of plain clothes, with a large diamond +ring on one of his fingers, the lustre of which played in my eyes as he waved +his hand in talking, and raised my notions of his importance. In short, he +might pass for what is commonly called a comely black man, with an air of +distinction natural to his birth and condition. +</p> + +<p> +To all his speeches, however, I answered only in tears that flower plentifully +to my relief, and choking up my voice, excused me from speaking, very luckily, +for I should not have known what to say. +</p> + +<p> +The sight, however, moved him, as he afterwards told me, irresistibly, and by +way of giving me some reason to be less powerfully afflicted, he drew out his +purse, and calling for pen and ink, which the landlady was prepared for, paid +her every farthing of her demand, independent of a liberal gratification which +was to follow unknown to me, and taking a receipt in full, very tenderly forced +me to secure it, by guiding my hand, which he had thrust it into, so as to make +me passively put it into my pocket. +</p> + +<p> +Still I continued in a state of stupidity, or melancholic despair, as my +spirits could not yet recover from the violent shocks that they had received; +and the accommodating landlady had actually left the room, and me alone with +this strange gentleman, before I had observed it, and then I observed it +without alarm, for I was now lifeless, and indifferent to every thing. +</p> + +<p> +The gentleman, however, no novice in affairs of this sort, drew near me; and, +under the pretence of comforting me, first with his handkerchief dried my tears +as they ran down my cheeks: presently he ventured to kiss me on my part, +neither resistance nor compliance. I sat stock still; and now looking on myself +as bought by the payment that had been transacted before me. +</p> + +<p> +I did not care what became of my wretched body: and wanting life, spirits, or +courage to oppose the least struggle, even that of the modesty of my sex, I +suffered, tamely, whatever the gentleman pleased; who proceeding insensibly +from freedom to freedom, insinuating his hand between my handkerchief and +bosom, which he handled at discretion: finding thus no repulse, and that every +thing favoured, beyond expectation, the completion of his desires, he took me +in his arms, and bore me, without life or motion, to the bed, on which laying +me gently downed, and having me at what advantage he pleased, I did not so much +as know what he was about, till recovering from a trance of lifeless +insensibility, I found him buried in me, whilst I lay passive and innocent of +the least sensations of pleasure: a death-cold corpse could scarce have less +life or sense in it. As soon as he had thus pacified a passion which had too +little respected the condition I was in, he got off, and after recomposing the +disorder of my clothes, employed himself with the utmost tenderness to calm the +transports of remorse and madness at myself, with which I was seized, too late, +I confess, for having suffered on that bed, the embraces of an utter stranger I +tore my hair, wrung my hands, and beat my breast like a mad woman. But when my +new master, for in that light I then viewed him, applied himself to appease me, +as my whole rage was levelled at myself, no part of which I thought myself +permitted to aim at him, I begged of him with more submission than anger, to +leave me alone, that I might, at least, enjoy my affliction in quiet. This he +positively refused, for fear, as he pretended, I should do myself a mischief. +Violent passions seldom last long, and those of women least of any. A dead +still calm succeeded this storm, which ended in a profuse shower of tears. +</p> + +<p> +Had any one, but a few instants before, told me that I should have ever known +any man but Charles, I would have spit in his face or had I been offered +infinitely a greater sum of money than that I saw paid for me, I had spurned +the proposal in cold blood. But our virtues and our vices depend too much on +our circumstances; unexpectedly beset as I was, betrayed by a mind weakened by +a long severe affliction, and stunned with the terrors of a goal, my defeat +will appear the more excusable, since I certainly was not present at, or a +party in any sense to it. However, as the first enjoyment is decisive, and he +was now over the bar, I thought I had no longer a right to refuse the caresses +of one that had got that advantage over me, no matter how obtained; conforming +myself then to this maxim, I considered myself as so much in his power, that I +endured his kisses and embraces without affecting struggles or anger; not that +he, as yet, gave me any pleasure, or prevailed over the aversion of my soul, to +give myself up to any sensation of that sort; what I suffered, I suffered out +of a kind of gratitude, and as a matter of course what had passed. +</p> + +<p> +He was, however, so regardful as not to attempt the renewal of those +extremities which had thrown me, just before, into such violent agitations; +but, now secure of possession, contented himself with bringing me to temper by +degrees, and waiting at the hand of time for those fruits of generosity and +courtship, which he since often reproached himself with having gathered much +too green, when, yielding to the inability to resist him, and overborne by +desires, he had wreaked his passion on a mere lifeless, spiritless body, dead +to all purpose of joy, since taking none, it ought to be supposed incapable of +giving any. This is, however, certain; my heart never thoroughly forgave him +the manner in which I had fallen to him, although, in point of interest, I had +fallen to him, I had reason to be pleased that he found, in my person, +wherewithal to keep him from leaving me as easily as he had had me. +</p> + +<p> +The evening was, in the mean time, so far advanced, that the maid came in to +lay the cloth for supper, when I understood, with joy, that my landlady, whose +sight was present poison to me, was not to be with us. +</p> + +<p> +Presently a neat and elegant supper was introduced, and a bottle of Burgundy, +with the other necessaries, were set on a dumb-waiter. +</p> + +<p> +The maid quitting the room, the gentleman insisted, with a tender warmth, that +I should sit up in the elbow chair by the fire, and see him eat, if I could not +be prevailed on to eat myself. I obeyed with a heart full or affliction, at the +comparison it made between those delicious <i>tête-à-têtes</i> with my very +dear youth, and this forced situation, this new awkward scene, imposed and +obtruded on me a cruel necessity. +</p> + +<p> +At supper, after a great many arguments used to comfort and reconcile me to my +fate, he told me that his name was H..., brother to the Earl of L.... and that +having, by the suggestions of my landlady, been led to see me, he had found me +perfectly to his taste, and given her a commission to procure me at any rate, +and that at length he had succeeded, as much to his satisfaction as he +passionately wished it might be to mine adding, withal, some flattering +assurances, that I should have no cause to repent my knowledge of him. +</p> + +<p> +I had now got down at least half a partridge, and three or four glasses of +wine, which he compelled me to drink by way of restoring nature, but whether +there was any thing extraordinary put into the wine, or whether there wanted no +more to revive the natural warmth of my constitution, and give fire to the old +train, I began no longer to look with that constraint, not to say disguise, on +Mr. H...., which I had hitherto done but, withal, there was not the least grain +of love mixed with this softening of my sentiments: any other man would have +been just the same to me as Mr. H..., that stood in the same circumstances, and +had done for me, and with me, what he had done. +</p> + +<p> +There are not, on earth at least, eternal griefs; mine were, if not at an end, +at least suspended: my heart, which had been so long overloaded with anguish +and vexation, began to dilate and open to the last gleam of diversion or +amusement. I wept a little, and my tears relieved me; I sighed, and my sighs +seemed to lighten me of a load that oppressed me; my countenance grew, if not +cheerful, at least more composed and free. +</p> + +<p> +Mr. H..., who had watched, perhaps brought on this change, knew too well not to +seize it: he thrust the table imperceptibly from between us, and bringing his +chair to face me, he soon began, after preparing me by all the endearments of +assurance and protestations, to lay hold of my hands, to kiss me, and once more +to make free with my bosom, which, being at full liberty from the disorder of a +loose dishabile, now panted and throbbed, less with indignation than with fear +and bashfulness, at being used so familiarly by still a stranger. But he soon +gave me greater occasion to exclaim, by stooping down and slipping his hands +above my garters; thence he strove to regain the pass, which he had before +found so open, and unguarded; but now he could not unlock the twist of my +thighs; I gently complained, and begged him to let me alone; told him I was not +well. However, he saw there was more form and ceremony in my resistance, than +good earnest; he made his conditions for desisting from pursuing his point, +that I should be put instantly to bed, whilst he gave certain orders to the +landlady, and that he would return in an hour, when he hoped to find me more +reconciled to his passion for me, than I seemed at present. I neither assented +nor denied, but my air and manner of receiving his proposal, gave him to see +that I did not think myself enough my own mistress to refuse it. +</p> + +<p> +Accordingly he went out and left me, when a minute or two after, before I could +recover myself into any composure for thinking, the maid came in with her +mistress’s service, and a small silver orringer of what she called a +bridal posset, and desired me to eat it as I went to bed, which consequently I +did, and felt immediately a heat, a fire run like a hue-and-cry through every +part of my body; I burnt, I glowed, and wanted even little of wishing for any +man. +</p> + +<p> +The maid, as soon as I was lain down, took the candle away, and wishing me a +good night, went out of the room, and shut the door after her. +</p> + +<p> +She had hardly time to get down stairs, before Mr. H.... opened my room door +softly, and came in, now undressed, in his night-gown and cap, with two lighted +wax candles, and bolting the door, gave me, though I expected him, some sort of +alarm. He came a tip-toe to the bed side, and saying with a gentle whisper: +“Pray, my dear, do not be startled... I will be very tender and kind to +you.” He then hurried off his clothes, and leaped into bed, having given +me openings enough, whilst he was stripping, to observe his brawny structure, +strong made limbs, and rough shaggy breast. +</p> + +<p> +The bed shook again when it received this new load. He lay on the outside, +where he kept the candles burning, no doubt for the satisfaction of every +sense, for as soon as he had kissed me, he rolled down the bed clothes, and +seemed transported with the view of all my person at full length, which he +covered with a profusion of kisses, sparing no part of me. Then, being on his +knees between my thighs, he drew up his shirt, and bared all his hairy thighs, +and stiff staring truncheon, red top, and rooted into a thicket of curls, which +covered his belly to the novel, and gave it the air of a flesh brush; and soon +I feel it joining close to mine, when he had drove the nail up to the head, and +left no partition but the intermediate hair on both sides. +</p> + +<p> +I had it now, I felt it now, and, beginning to drive, he soon gave nature such +a powerful summons down to her favourite quarters, that she could no longer +refuse repairing thither; all my animals spirits then rushed mechanically to +that center of attraction, and presently, inly warmed, and stirred as I was +beyond bearing, I lost all restraint, and yielding to the force of the emotion, +gave down, as mere woman, those effusions of pleasure, which, in the strictness +of still faithful love, I could have wished to have kept in. +</p> + +<p> +Yet oh! what an immense difference did I feel between this impression of a +pleasure merely animal, and struck out of the collision of the sexes, by a +passive bodily effect, from that sweet fury, that rage of active delight which +crowns the enjoyments of a mutual love passion, where two hearts, tenderly and +truly united, club to exalt the joy, and give it a spirit and soul that bids +defiance to that end which mere momentary desires generally terminate in, when +they die of a surfeit of satisfaction! +</p> + +<p> +Mr. H..., whom no distinctions of that sort seemed to distract, scarce gave +himself or me breathing time from the last encounter, but, as if he had tasked +himself to prove that the appearances of his vigour were no signs hung out in +vain, in a few minutes he was in a condition for renewing the onset; to which, +preluding with a storm of kisses, he drove the same course as before, with +unbated fervour; and thus, in repeated engagements, kept me constantly in +exercise, till dawn of morning, in all which time he made me fully sensible of +the virtues of his firm texture of limbs, his square shoulders, broad chest, +compact hard muscles, in short a system of manliness, that might pass for no +bad image of our ancient sturdy barons, whose race is now so thoroughly refined +and frittered away into the more delicate and modern built frame of our +pap-nerved softlings, who are as pale, as pretty, and almost as masculine as +their sisters. +</p> + +<p> +Mr. H..., content, however, with having the day break upon his triumph, +resigned me up to the refreshment of a rest we both wanted, and we soon dropped +into a profound sleep. +</p> + +<p> +Though he was some time awake before me, yet he did not offer to disturb a +repose he had given me so much occasion for; but on my first stirring, which +was not till past ten o’clock, I was obliged to endure one more trial of +his manhood. +</p> + +<p> +About eleven, in came Mrs. Jones, with two basins of the richest soup, which +her experience in these matters had moved her to prepare. I pass over the +fulsome compliments, the cant of the decent procuress, with which she saluted +us both; but though my blood rose at the sight of her, I supprest my emotions, +and gave all my concerne to reflections on what would be the consequence of +this new engagement. +</p> + +<p> +But Mr. H..., who penetrated my uneasiness, did not suffer me to languish under +it, and acquainted me, that having taken a solid sincere affection to me, he +would begin by giving me one leading mark of it, in removing me out of a house +which must, for many reasons, be irksome and disagreeable to me, into +convenient lodgings, where he would take all imaginable care of me; and +desiring not to have any explanations with my landlady, or be impatient till he +returned, he dressed and went out, having left me a purse with two and twenty +guineas in it, being all he had about him, as he express it, to keep my pocket +still further supplied. +</p> + +<p> +As soon as he was gone, I felt the usual consequence of the first launch into +vice (for my love attachment to Charles never appeared to me in that light). I +was instantly borne away down the stream without making back to the shore. My +dreadful necessities, my gratitude, and above all, to say the plain truth, the +dissipation and diversion I began to find in this new acquaintance, from the +black corroding thoughts my heart had been a prey to, ever since the absence of +my dear Charles, concurred to stun all my contrary reflections. If I now +thought of my first, my only charmer, it was still with the tenderness and +regret of the fondest love, embittered with the consciousness that I was no +longer worthy of him. I could have begged my bread with him all over the world, +but wretch that I was! I had neither the virtue or courage requisite not to +outlive my separation from him. +</p> + +<p> +Yet, had not my heart been thus preengaged, Mr. H... might probably have been +the sole master of it; but the place was full, and the force of conjectures +alone had made him the possessor of my person; the charms of which had, by the +bye, been his sole object and passion, and were, of course, no foundation for a +love either very delicate or very durable. +</p> + +<p> +He did not return till six in the evening, to take me away to my new lodgings; +and my moveables being soon packed, and conveyed into a hackney coach, it cost +me but little regret to take my leave of a landlady whom I thought I had so +much reason not to be over pleased with; and as for her part, she made no other +difference to my staying or going, but what that of the profit created. +</p> + +<p> +We soon got to the house appointed for me, which was that of a plain tradesman, +who, on the score of interest, was entirely at Mr. H...’s devotion, and +who let him the first floor, very genteelly furnished, for two guineas a week, +of which I was instated mistress, with a maid to attend me. +</p> + +<p> +He stayed with me that evening, and we had a supper from a neighbouring tavern, +after which, and a gay glass or two, the maid put me to bed. Mr. H.... soon +followed, and notwithstanding the fatigues of the preceding night, I found no +quarter nor remission from him: he piquet himself, as he told me, on doing the +honours of my new apartment. +</p> + +<p> +The morning being pretty well advanced, we got to breakfast; and the ice now +broke, my heart, no longer engrossed by love, began to take ease, and to please +itself with such trifles Mr. H....’s liberal liking led him to make his +court to the usual vanity of our sex. Silks, laces: ear rings, pearl necklace, +gold watch, in sort, all the trinkets and articles of dress were lavishly +heaped upon me; the sence of which, if it did not create returns of love, +forced a kind of grateful fondness, something like love: a distinction which it +would be spoiling the pleasure of nine tenths of the keepers in the town to +make, and is, I suppose, the very good reason why so few of them ever do make +it. +</p> + +<p> +I was now established the kept mistress in form, well lodged, with a very +sufficient allowance, and lighted up with all the lustre of dress. +</p> + +<p> +Mr. H.... continued kind and tender to me; yet, with all this, I was far from +happy: for, besides my regrets for my dear youth, which, though often suspended +or diverted, still returned upon me in certain melancholic moments with +redoubled violence, I wanted more society, more dissipation. +</p> + +<p> +As to Mr. H.... he was so much my superior in every sense, that I felt it too +much to the disadvantage of the gratitude I owed him. Thus he gained my esteem, +though he could not raise my taste; I was qualified for no sort of conversation +with him, except one sort, and that is a satisfaction which leaves tiresome +intervals, if not filled up by love, or other amusements. +</p> + +<p> +Mr. H...., so experienced, so learned in the ways of women, numbers of whom had +passed through his hands, doubtless, soon perceived this uneasiness, and, +without approving, or liking me the better for it, had the complaisance to +indulge me. +</p> + +<p> +He made suppers at my lodging, where he brought several companions of his +pleasures, with their mistresses; and by this means I got into a circle of +acquaintance, that soon stripped me of all the remains of bashfulness and +modesty which might be yet left of my country education, and were, to a just +taste, perhaps, the greatest of my charms. +</p> + +<p> +We visited one another in form, and mimicked, as near as we could, all the +miseries, the follies, and impertinencies of the women in quality, in the round +of which they trifle away their time, without it ever entering their little +heads, that on earth there cannot subsist any thing more silly, more flat, more +insipid and worthless, than, generally considered, their system of life is: +they ought to treat the men as their tyrants, indeed! were they to condemn them +to it. +</p> + +<p> +But though, amongst the kept mistresses (and I was now acquainted with a good +many, besides some useful matrons, who live by their connexions with them), I +hardly knew one that did not perfectly detest their keepers, and, of course, +made little or no scruple of any infidelity they could safely accomplish, I had +still no notion of wronging mine: for, besides that no mark of jealousy on his +side started me the hint, or gave me the provocation to play him a trick of +that sort, and that his constant generosity, politeness, and tender attention +to please me, forced a regard to him, that, without affecting my heart, insured +him my fidelity, no object had yet presented that could overcome the habitual +liking I had contracted for him and I was on the eve of obtaining, from the +movements of his own voluntary generosity, a modest provision for life, when an +accident happened which broke all the measures he had resolved upon in my +favour. +</p> + +<p> +I had now lived near seven months with Mr. H.... when one day returning to my +lodgings, from a visit in the neighbourhood, where I used to stay longer, I +found the street door open, and the maid of the house standing at it, talking +with some of her acquaintance, so that I came in without knocking and, as I +passed by, she told me Mr. H.... was above. I slept up stairs into my own +bed-chamber, with no other thought than of pulling off my hat etc., and then to +wait upon him in the dining room, into which my bed-chamber had a door, as is +common enough. Whilst I was untying my hat strings, I fancied I heard my maid +Hannah’s voice and a sort of tustle, which raised my curiosity; I stole +softly to the door, where a knot in the wood had been slipped out, and afforded +a very commanding peep-hole to the scene then in agitation, the actors of which +had been to earnestly employed to hear my opening my own door, from the landing +place of the stairs, into my bedchamber. +</p> + +<p> +The first sight that struck me was Mr. H.... pulling and hauling this coarse +country strammel towards a couch that stood in a corner of the dining-room; to +which the girl made only a sort of awkward holdening resistance, crying out so +loud, that I, who listened at the door, could scarce hear her: “Pray Sir, +don’t.., let me alone... I am not for your turn... You cannot, sure, +demean yourself with such a poor body as I... Lord! Sir, my mistress may come +home... I must not indeed... I will cry out...” All of which did not +hinder her from insensibly suffering herself to be brought to the foot of the +couch, upon which a push of no mighty violence served to give her a very easy +fall, and my gentleman having got up his hands to the strong hold of her +Virtue, she, no doubt, thought it was time to give up the argument, and that +all further defense would be vain: and he, throwing her petticoats over her +face, which was now as red as scarlet, discovered a pair of stout, plump, +substantial thighs, and tolerably white; he mounted them round his haps, and +coming out with his drawn weapon, stuck it in the cloven sport, where he seemed +to find a less difficult entrance than perhaps he had flattered himself with +(for, by the way, this blouse had left her place in the country, for a +bastard), and, indeed, all his motions shewed he was lodged pretty much at +large. After he had done, his Deare gets up, drops her petticoats down, and +smooths her apron and handkerchief. Mr. H.... looked a little silly, and taking +out some money, gave it her, with an air indifferent enough, bidding her be a +good girl, and say nothing. +</p> + +<p> +Had I loved this man, it was not in nature for me to have had patience to see +the whole scene through: I should have broke in and played the jealous princess +with a vengeance. But that was not the case: my pride alone was hurt, my heart +not, and I could easier win upon myself to see how far he would go, till I had +no uncertainty upon my conscience. +</p> + +<p> +The least delicate of all affairs of this sort being now over, I retired softly +into my closet, where I began to consider what I should do. My first scheme +naturally, was to rush in and upbraid them; this, indeed, flattered my present +emotions and vexations, as it would have given immediate vent to them; but, on +second thoughts, not being so clear as to the consequence to be apprehended +from such a step, I began my discovery still a safer season, when dissembly my +discovery till a safer season, when Mr. H.... should have perfected the +settlement he had made overtures to me of, and which I was not to think such a +violent explanation, as I was indeed not equal to the management of, could +possibly forward, and might destroy. On the other hand, the provocation seemed +too gross, too flagrant not to give me some thoughts of revenge; the very start +of which idea restored me to perfect composure; and delighted as I was with the +confused plan of it in my head, I was easily mistress enough of myself to +support the part of ignorance I had prescribed to myself; and as all this +circle of reflections was instantly over, I stole a tip-toe to the passage +door, and opening it with a noise, passed for having that moment come home; and +after a short pause, as if to pull off my things, I opened the door into the +dining room, where I fund the dowdy blowing the fire, and my faithful shepherd +walking about the room, and wistling, as cool and unconcerned as if nothing had +happened. I think, however, he had not much to brag of having out-dissembled +me: for I kept up, nobly, the character of our sex for art, and went up to him +with the same open air of frankness as I had ever received him. He stayed but a +little while, made some excuse for not being able to stay the evening with me, +and went out. +</p> + +<p> +As for the wench, she was now spoiled, at least for my servant; and scarce +eight and forty hours were gone round, before her insolence, on what had passed +betwen Mr. H.... and her, gave me so fair an occasion to turn her away, at a +minute’s warning, that, not to have done it would have been the wonder; +so that he could neither disapprove it nor find in it the least reason to +suspect my original motive. What became of her afterwards, I know not; but +generous as Mr. H.... was, he undoubtedly made her amends: though, I dare +answer, that he kept up no further commerce with her of that sort; as his +stooping to such a coarse morsel, was only a sudden sally of lust, on seeing a +wholesome looking, buxom country wench, and no more strange than hunger, or +even a whimsical appetite’s making a fling meal of neck-beef, for change +of diet. +</p> + +<p> +Had I considered this escapade of Mr. H.... in no more than that light and +contented myself with turning away the wench, I had thought and acted right; +but, flushed as I was with imaginary wrongs, I should have held Mr. H... to +have been cheaply off, if I had not pushed my revenge farther, and repaid him, +as exactly as could for the soul of me, in the same coin. +</p> + +<p> +Nor was this worthy act of justice long delayed: I had it too much at heart. +Mr. H... had, about a fortnight before, taken into his service a tenant’s +son, just come out the country, a very handsome young lad, scarce turned of +nineteen, fresh as a rose, well sharped and clear limbed: in short, a very good +excuse for any woman’s liking, even though revenge had been out of the +question; any woman, I say, who was disprejudiced, and that wit and spirit +enough to prefer a point of pleasure to a point of pride. +</p> + +<p> +Mr. H... had clapped a livery upon him; and his chief employ was, after being +shewn my lodgings, to bring and carry letters or messages between his master +and me; and as the situation of all kept ladies is not the fittest to inspire +respect, even to the meanest of mankind, and, perhaps, less of it from the most +ignorant, I could not help observing that this lad, who was, I suppose, +acquainted with my relation to his master by his fellow servants, used to eye +me in that bashful confused way, more expressive, more moving and readier +caught at by our sex, than any other declarations whatever: my figure had, it +seems, struck him, and modest and innocent as he was, he did not himself know +that the pleasure he took in looking at me was love, or desire; but his eyes, +naturally wanton, and now inflamed with passion, spoke a great deal more than +he durst have imagined they did. Hitherto, indeed, I had only taken notice of +the comeliness of the youth, but without the least design: my pride alone would +have guarded me from a thought that way, had not Mr. H....’s +condescension with my maid, where there was not half the temptation, in point +of person, set me a dangerous example; but now I began to look on this +stripling as every way a delicious instrument of my designed retaliation upon +Mr. H.... of an obligation for which I should have made a conscience to die in +his debt. +</p> + +<p> +In order then to pave the way for the accomplishment of my scheme, for two or +three times that the young fellow came to me with messages, I managed so, or +without affectation to have him admitted to my bed side, or brought to me at my +toilet, where I was dressing; and by carelessly shewing or letting him, as if +without meaning or design, sometimes my bosom rather more bare than it should +be; sometimes my hair, of which I had a very fine head, in the natural flow of +it while combing; sometimes a neat leg, that had unfortunately slipt its +garter, which I made no scruple of tying before him, easily gave him the +impressions favourable to my purpose, which I could perceive to sparkle in his +eyes, and glow in his cheeks: then certain slight squeezes by the hand, as I +took letters from him, did his business completely. +</p> + +<p> +When I saw him thus moved, and fired for my purpose, I inflamed him yet more, +by asking him several leading questions, such as: “Had he a mistress?... +was she prettier than me?... could he love such a one as I was?...” and +the like; to all which the blushing simpleton answered to my wish, in a strain +of perfect nature, perfect undebauched innocence, but with all the awkwardness +and simplicity of country breeding. +</p> + +<p> +When I thought I had sufficiently ripened him for the laudable point I had in +view, one day that I expected him at a particular hour, I took care to have the +coast clear for the reception I designed him; and, as I laid it, he came to the +dining room door, tapped at it, and, in my bidding him come in; he did so, and +shut the door after him. I desired him, then, to bolt it on the inside, +pretending it would not otherwise keep shut. +</p> + +<p> +I was then lying at length upon that very couch, the scene of Mr. H....’s +polite joys, in an undress, which was with all the art of negligence flowing +loose, and in a most tempting disorder: no stays, no hoop..., no incumbrance +whatever. On the other hand, he stood at a little distance, that gave me a full +view of a fine featured, shapely, healthy country lad, breathing the sweets of +fresh blooming youth; his hair, which was of a perfect shining black, played to +his face in natural side curls, and was set out with a smart tuck-up behind; +new buckskin breechs, that, clipping close, shewed the shape of a plump, well +made thigh; white stockings, garter-laced livery, shoulder knot, altogether +composed a figure of pure flesh and blood, and appeared under no disgrace from +the lowness of a dress, to which a certain spruce neatness seems peculiarly +fitted. +</p> + +<p> +I bid him come towards me, and give me his letter, at the same time throwing +down, carelessly, a book I had in my hands. He coloured, and came within reach +of delivering me the letter, which he held out, awkwardly enough, for me to +take, with his eyes rivetted on my bosom, which was, through the designed +disorder of my handkerchief, sufficiently bare, and rather than hid. +</p> + +<p> +I, smiling in his face, took the letter, and immediately catching hold of his +shirt sleeve, drew him towards me, blushing, and almost trembling; for surely +his extreme bashfulness, and utter inexperience called for, at least, all the +advances to encourage him: his body was now conveniently inclined toward me, +and just softly chucking his beardless chin, I asked him: “If he was +afraid of a lady?...” and with that took, and carrying his hands to my +breasts, I press it tenderly to them. They were now finely furnished, and +raised in flesh, so that, panting with desire, they rose and fell, in quick +heaves, under his touch: at this, the boy’s eyes began to lighten with +all the fires of inflamed nature, and his cheeks flushed with a deep scarlet: +tongue-tied with joy, rapture, and bashfulness, he could not speak, but then +his looks, his emotion, sufficiently satisfied me that my train had taken, and +that I had no disappointment to fear. +</p> + +<p> +My lips, which I threw in his way, so that he could not escape kissing them, +fixed, fired, and emboldened him: and now, glancing my eyes towards that part +of his dress which covered the essential object of enjoyment, I plainly +discovered the swell and commotion there; and as I was now too far advanced to +stop in so fair a way, and was indeed no longer able to contain myself, or wait +the slower progress of his maiden bash-fulness (for such it seemed, and really +was), I stole my hands upon his thighs, down one of which I could both see and +feel a stiff hard body, confined by his breeches, that my fingers could +discover no end to. Curious then, and eager to unfold so alarming a mystery, +playing, as it were, with his buttons, which were bursting ripe from the active +force within, those of his waistband and fore-flap flew open at a touch, when +out IT started; and now, disengaged from the shirt, I saw, with wonder and +surprise, what? not the play thing of a boy, not the weapon of a man, but a +Maypole, of so enormous a standard, that had proportions been observed, it must +have belonged to a young giant. Yet I could not, without pleasure, behold, and +even venture to feel, such a length, such a breadth of animated ivory! +perfectly well turned and fashioned, the proud stiffness of which distented its +skin, whose smooth polish and velvet softness might vie with that of the most +delicate of our sex, and whose exquisite whiteness was not a little set off by +a sprout of black curling hair round the root: through the jetty springs of +which the fair skin shewed as in a fine evening you may have remarked the clear +light through the branchwork of distant trees over-topping the summit of a +hill: then the broad of blueish-casted incarnate of the head, and blue +serpentines of its veins, altogether composed the most striking assemblage of +figure and colours in nature. In short, it stood an object of terror and +delight. +</p> + +<p> +But what was yet more surprising, the owner of this natural curiosity, through +the want of occasions in the strictness of his home breeding, and the little +time he had been in town not having afforded him one; was hitherto an absolute +stranger, in practice at least, to the use of all that manhood he was so nobly +stocked with; and it now fell to my lot to stand his first trial of it, if I +could resolve to run the risks of its disproportion to that tender part of me, +which such an oversized machine was very fit to lay in ruins. +</p> + +<p> +But it was now of the latest to deliberate, for, by this time, the young +fellow, over heated with the present objects, and too high metled to be longer +curbed in by that modesty and awe which had hitherto restrained him, ventured, +under the stronger impulse, and instructive promptership of nature alone, to +slip his hands, trembling with eager impetuous desires, under my petticoats; +and seeing, I suppose, nothing extremely severe in my looks, to stop or dash +him, he feels out, and seizes, gently, the center spot of his ardours. Oh then! +the fiery touch of his lingers determines me, and my fears melting away before +the glowing intolerable heat, my thighs disclose of themselves, and yield all +liberty to his hand: and now, a favourable movement giving my petticoats a +toss, the avenue lay too fair, too open to be missed. He is now upon me: I had +placed myself with a jerk under him, as commodious and open as possible to his +attempts, which were untoward enough, for his machine, meeting with no inlet, +bore and battered stiffly against me in random pushes, now above, now below, +now beside his point; till, burning with impatience from its irritating +touches, I guided gently, with my hand, this furious fescue to where my young +novice was now to be taught his first lesson of pleasure. Thus he nicked, at +length, the warm and insufficient orifice; but he was made to find no breach +impracticable, and mine, though so often entered, was still far from wide +enough to take him easily in. +</p> + +<p> +By my direction, however, the head of his unwieldy machine was so critically +pointed, that, feeling him fore-right against the tender opening, a favourable +motion from me met his timely thrust, by which the lips of it, strenuously +dilated, gave way to his thus assisted impetuosity, so that we might both feel +that he had gained a lodgment. Pursuing then his point, he soon, by violent, +and, to me, most painful piercing thrusts, wedges himself at length so far in, +as to be now tolerably secure of his entrance: here he stuck, and I now felt +such a mixture of pleasure and pain, as there is no giving a definition of. I +dreaded alike his splitting me farther up, or his withdrawing; I could not bear +either to keep or part with him. The sense of pain, however, prevailing, from +his prodigious size and stiffness, acting upon me in those continued rapid +thrusts, with which he furiously pursued his penetration, made me cry out +gently: “Oh, my dear, you hurt me!” This was enough to check the +tender respectful boy even in his mid-career; and he immediately drew out the +sweet cause of my complaint, whilst his eyes eloquently expressed, at once, his +grief for hurting me, and his reluctance at dislodging from quarters, of which +the warmth and closeness had given him a gust of pleasure, that he was now +desire mad to satisfy, and yet too much a novice not to be afraid of my +withholding his relief, on account of the pain he had put me to. +</p> + +<p> +But I was, myself, far from being pleased with his having too much regarded my +tender exclaims; for now, more fired with the object before me, as it still +stood with the fiercest erection, unbonneted, and displayed its broad vermilion +head, I first gave the youth a re-encouraging kiss, which he repaid me with a +fervour that seemed at once to thank me, and bribe my further compliance; and +soon replaced myself in a posture to receive, at all risk, the renewed +invasion, which he did not delay an instant: for, being presently remounted, I +once more felt the smooth hard gristle forcing an entrance, which he achieved +rather easier than before. Pained, however, as I was, with his efforts of +gaining a complete admission, which he was so regardful as to manage by gentle +degrees, I took care not to complain. In the mean time, the soft strait passage +gradually loosens, yields, and, stretched to its utmost bearing, by the stick, +thick, indriven engine, sensible, at once, to the ravishing pleasure of the +feel and the pain of the distension, let him in about half way, when all the +most nervous activity he now exerted, to further his penetration, gained him +not an inch of his purpose: for, whilst he hesitated there, the crisis of +pleasure overtook him, and the close compressure of the warm surrounding flow +drew from him the ecstatic gush, even before mine was ready to meet it, kept up +by the pain I had endured in the course of the engagement, from the +insufferable size of his weapon, though it was not as yet in above half its +length. +</p> + +<p> +I expected then, but without wishing it, that he would draw, but was pleasingly +disappointed: for he was not to be let off so. The well breathed youth, +hot-mettled, and flush with genial juices, was now fairly in for making me know +my driver. As soon, then, as he had made a short pause, waking, as it were, out +of the trance of pleasure (in which every sense seemed lost for a while, +whilst, with his eyes shut, and short quick breathings, he had yielded down his +maiden tribute), he still kept his post, yet unsated with enjoyment, and +solacing in these so new delights; till his stiffness, which had scarce +perceptibly remitted, being thoroughly recovered to him, who had not once +unsheathed, he proceeded afresh to cleave and open to himself an entire entry +into me, which was not a little made easy to him by the balsamic injection, +with: which he had just plentifully moistened the whole internals of the +passage. Redoubling, then, the active energy of his thrusts, favoured by the +fervid appetency of my motions, the soft oiled wards can no longer stand so +effectual a picklock, but yield, and open him an entrance. And now, with +conspiring nature, and my industry, strong to aid him, he pierces, penetrates, +and at length, winning his way inch by inch, gets entirely in, and finally, a +home made thrust sheaths it up to the guard; on the information of which, from +the close jointure of our bodies (insomuch that the hair on both sides +perfectly interweaved and incircled together), the eyes of the transported +youth sparkled with more joyous fires, and all his looks and motions +acknowledged excess of pleasure, which I now began to share, for I felt him in +my very vitals! I was quite sick with delight! stirred beyond bearing with its +furious agitations within me, and gorged and crammed, even to a surfeit. Thus I +lay gasping, panting under him, till his broken breathings, faultering accents, +eyes twinkling with humid fires, lunges more furious, and an increased +stiffness, gave me to hail the approaches of the second period: it came... and +the sweet youth, overpowered with the ecstasy, died away in my arms, melting a +flood that shot in genial warmth into the innermost recesses of my body; every +conduit of which, dedicated to that pleasure, was on flow to mix with it. Thus +we continued for some instants, lost, breathless, senseless of every thing, and +in every part but those favourite ones of nature, in which all that we enjoyed +of life and sensation was now totally concentered. +</p> + +<p> +When our mutual trance was a little over, and the young fellow had withdrawn +that delicious stretcher, with which he had most plentifully drowned all +thoughts of revenge, in the sense of actual pleasure, the widened wounded +passage refunded a stream of pearly liquids, which flowed down my thighs, mixed +with streaks of blood, the marks of the ravage of that monstrous machine of +his, which had now triumphed over a kind of second maidenhead. I stole, +however, my handkerchief to those parts, and wiped them as dry as I could, +whilst he was re-adjusting and buttoning up. +</p> + +<p> +I made him sit down by me, and as he had gathered courage from such extreme +intimacy, he gave me an aftercourse of pleasure, in a natural burst of tender +gratitude and joy, at the new scenes of bliss I had opened to him: scenes +positively new, as he had never before had the least acquaintance with that +mysterious mark, the cloven stamp of female distinction, though nobody better +qualified than he to penetrate into its deepest recesses, or do it nobler +justice. But when, by certain motions, certain unquietness of his hands, that +wandered not without design, I found he languished for satisfying a curiosity, +natural enough, to view and handle those parts which attract and concenter the +warmest force of imagination, charmed, as I was, to have any occasion of +obliging and humouring his young desires, I suffered him to proceed as he +pleased, without check or control, to the satisfaction of them. +</p> + +<p> +Easily, then, reading in my eyes the full permission of myself to all his +wishes, he scarce pleased himself more than me; when, having insinuated his +hand under my petticoat and shift, he presently removed those bars to the +sight, by slily lifting them upwards, under favour of a thousand kisses, which +he thought, perhaps, necessary to divert my attention from what he was about. +All my drapery being now rolled up to my waist, I threw myself into such a +posture upon the couch, as gave up to him, in full view, the whole region of +delight, and all the luxurious landscape around it. The transported youth +devoured every thing with his eyes, and tried, with his fingers, to lay more +open to his sight the secrets of that dark and delicious deep: he opens the +folding lips, the softness of which, yielding entry to any thing of a hard +body, close round it, and oppose the sight; and feeling further, meets with, +and wonder at, a soft fleshy excrescence, which, limber and relaxed after the +late enjoyment, now grew, under the touch and examination of his fiery fingers, +more and more stiff and considerable, till the titillating ardours of that so +sensible part made me sigh, as if he had hurt me; on which he withdrew his +curious probing fingers, asking me pardon, as it were, in a kiss that rather +increased the flame there. +</p> + +<p> +Novelty ever makes the strongest impressions, and in pleasures, especially; no +wonder then, that he was swallowed up in raptures of admiration of things so +interesting by their nature, and now seen and handled for the first time. On my +part, I was richly overpaid for the pleasure I gave him, in that of examining +the power of those objects thus abandoned to him, naked and free to his loosest +wish, over the artless, natural stripling: his eyes streaming fire, his cheeks +glowing with a florid red, his fervid frequent sighs, whilst his hands +convulsively squeezed, opened, pressed together again the lips and sides of +that deep flesh wound, or gently twitched the over-growing moss; and all +proclaimed the excess, the riot of joys, in having his wantonness thus +humoured. But he did not long abuse my patience, for the objects before him had +now put him by all his, and, coming out with that formidable machine of his, he +lets the fury loose, and pointing it directly to the pouting-lip mouth, that +bid him sweet defiance in dumb shew, squeezes in his head, and, driving with +refreshed rage, breaks in, and plugs up the whole passage of that soft +pleasure-conduit pipe, where he makes all shake again, and put, once more, all +within me into such an uproar, as nothing could still, but a fresh inundation +from the very engine of those flames, as well as from all the springs with +which nature floats that reservoir of joy, when risen to its floodmark. +</p> + +<p> +I was now so bruised, so battered, so spent with this overmatch, that I could +hardly stir, or raise myself, but lay palpitating, till the ferment of my +senses subsiding by degrees, and the hour striking at which I was obliged to +dispatch my young man, I tenderly advised him of the necessity there was for +parting; at which I felt so much displeasure as he could do, who seemed eagerly +disposed to keep the field, and to enter on a fresh action. But the danger was +too great, and after some hearty kisses of leave, and recommendations of +secrecy and discretion, I forced myself to send him away, not without +assurances of seeing him again, to the same purpose, as soon as possible, and +thrust a guinea into his hands: not more, less, being too flush of money, a +suspicion or discovery might arise from thence; having everything to fear from +the dangerous indiscretion of that age in which young fellows would be too +irresistible, too charming, if we had not that terrible fault to guard against. +</p> + +<p> +Giddy and intoxicated as I was with such satiating draughts of pleasure, I +still lay on the couch, supinely stretched out, in a delicious languor diffused +over all my limbs, hugging myself for being thus revenged to my heart’s +content, and that in a manner so precisely alike, and on the identical spot in +which I had received the supposed injury. No reflections on the consequences +ever once perplexed me, nor did I make myself one single reproach for having, +by this step, completely entered myself into a profession more decried than +disused. I should have held it ingratitude to the pleasure I had received, to +have repented of it; and since I was now over the bar, I thought, by plunging +head and ears into the stream I was hurried away by, to drown all sense of +shame or reflection. +</p> + +<p> +Whilst I was thus making these laudable dispositions, and whispering to myself +a kind of tacit vow of incontinency, enters Mr. H... The consciousness of what +I had been doing deepened yet the glowing of my cheeks, flushed with the warmth +of the late action, which, joined to the piquant air of my dishabile, drew from +Mr. H.... a compliment on my looks, which he was proceeding to bask the +sincerity of with proofs, and that with so brisk an action, as made me tremble +for fear of a discovery from the condition those parts were left in from their +late severe handling: the orifice dilated and inflamed, the lips swollen with +their uncommon distension, the ringlets pressed down, crushed and uncurled with +the over flowing moisture that had wet everything round it; in short, the +different feel and state of things would hardly have passed upon one of Mr. +H.....’s nicety and experience unaccounted for but by the real cause. But +here the woman saved me: I pretended a violent disorder of my head, and a +feverish heat, that indisposed me too much to receive his embraces. He gave in +to this, and good naturedly desisted. Soon after, an old lady coming in made a +third, very apropos for the confusion I was in, and Mr. H...., after bidding me +take care of myself, and recommending me to my repose, left me much at ease and +relieved by his absence. +</p> + +<p> +In the close of the evening, I took care to have prepared for me a warm bath of +aromatik and sweet herbs; in which having fully laved and solaced myself, I +came out voluptuously refreshed in body and spirit. +</p> + +<p> +The next morning waking pretty early, after a night’s perfect rest and +composure, it was not without some dread and uneasiness that I thought of what +innovation that tender soft system of mine might have sustained, from the shock +of a machine so sized for its destruction. +</p> + +<p> +Struck with this apprehension, I scarce dared to carry my hand thither, to +inform myself of the state and posture of things. +</p> + +<p> +But I was soon agreeably cured of my fears. +</p> + +<p> +The silky hair that covered round the borders, now smoothed and re-pruned, had +resumed its wonted curl and trimness; the fleshy pouting lips that had stood +the brunt of the engagement, were no longer swollen or moisture-drenched; and +neither they, nor the passage into which they opened, that had suffered so +great a dilation, betrayed any the least alteration, outwardly or inwardly, to +the most curious research, notwithstanding the laxity that naturally follows +the warm bath. +</p> + +<p> +This continuation of that grateful stricture which is in us, to the men, the +very jet of their pleasure, I owed, it seems, to a happy habit of body, juicy, +plump and furnished, towards the texture of those parts, with a fullness of +soft springy flesh, that yielding sufficiently, as it does, to almost any +distension soon recovers itself so as to re-tighten that strict compression of +its mantlings and folds, which form the sides of the passage, wherewith it so +tenderly embraces and closely clips any foreign body introduced into it, such +as my exploring finger then was. +</p> + +<p> +Finding then every thing in due tone and order, I remember my fears, only to +make a jest of them to myself. And now, palpably mistress of any size of man, +and triumphing in my double achievement of pleasure and revenge, I abandoned +myself entirely to the ideas of all the delight I had swam in. I lay stretching +out, glowingly alive all over, and tossing with burning impatience for the +renewal of joys that had sinned but in a sweet excess; nor did I lose my +longing, for about ten in the morning, according to expectation, Will, my new +humble sweetheart, came with a message from his master, Mr. H...., to know how +I did. I had taken care to send my maid on an errand into the city, that I was +sure would take up time enough; and, from the people of the house, I had +nothing to fear, as they were plain good sort of folks, and wise enough to mind +no more other people’s business than they could well help. +</p> + +<p> +All dispositions then made, not forgetting that of lying in bed to receive him, +when he was entered the door of my bed chamber, a latch, that I governed by a +wire, descended and secured it. +</p> + +<p> +I could not but observe that my young minion was as much spruced out as could +be expected from one in his condition: a desire of pleasing that could not be +indifferent to me, since it proved that I pleased him; which, I assure you, was +now a point I was not above having in view. +</p> + +<p> +His hair trimly dressed, clean linen, and, above all, a hale, ruddy, wholesome +country look, made him out as pretty a piece of woman’s meat as you could +see, and I should have thought any one much out of taste, that could not have +made a hearty meal of such a morsel as nature seemed to have designed for the +highest diet of pleasure. +</p> + +<p> +And why should I here suppress the delight I received from this amiable +creature, in remarking each artless look, each motion of pure indissembled +nature, betrayed by his wanton eyes; or shewing, transparently, the glow and +suffusion of blood through his fresh, clear skin, whilst even his stury rustic +pressure wanted not their peculiar charm? Oh! but, say you, this was a young +fellow of too low a rank of life to deserve so great a display. May be so: but +was my condition, strictly considered, one jot more exalted? or, had I really +been much above him, did not his capacity of giving such exquisite pleasure +sufficiently raise and enoble him, to me, at least? Let who would, for me +cherish, respect, and reward the painter’s, the statuary’s, the +musician’s art, in proportion to the delight taken in them: but at my +age, and with my taste for pleasure, a taste strongly constitutional to me, the +talent of pleasing, with which nature has endowed a handsome person, formed to +me the greatest of all merits; compared to which, the vulgar prejudices in +favour of titles, dignities, honours, and the like, held a very low rank +indeed. Nor perhaps would the beauties of the body be so much affected to be +held cheap, were they, in their nature, to be bought and delivered. But for me, +whose natural philosophy all resided in the favourite center of sense, and who +was ruled by its powerful instinct in taking pleasure by its right handle, I +could scarce have made a choice more to my purpose. +</p> + +<p> +Mr. H....’s loftier qualifications of birth, fortune and sense, laid me +under a sort of subjection and constraint, that were far from making harmony in +the concert of love; nor had he, perhaps, thought me worth softening that +superiority to; but, with this lad, I was more on the level which love delights +in. +</p> + +<p> +We may say what we please, but those we can be the easiest and freest with, are +ever those we like, not to say love the best. +</p> + +<p> +With this stripling, all whose art of love was the action of it, I could, +without check of awe or restraint, give a loose to jay, and execute every +scheme of dalliance my fond fancy might put me on, in which he was, in every +sense, a most exquisite companion. And now my great pleasure lay in humouring +all the petulances, all the wanton frolic of a raw novice just fledged, and +keen on the burning scent of his game, but unbroken to the sport: and, to carry +on the figure, who could better read the wood than he, or stand fairer for the +heart of the hunt? +</p> + +<p> +He advanced then to my bed side, and whilst he faultered out his message, I +could observe his colour rise, and his eyes lighten with joy, in seeing me in a +situation as favourable to his loosest wishes, as if he had bespoke the play. +</p> + +<p> +I smiled, and put out my hand towards him, which he kneeled down to (a +politeness taught him by love alone, that great master of it) and greedily +kissed. After exchanging a few confused questions and answers, I asked him if +he would come to bed to me, for the little time I could venture to detain him. +This was just asking a person, dying with hunger, to feast upon the dish on +earth the most to his palate. Accordingly, without further reflection, his +clothes were off in an instant; when, blushing still more at this new liberty, +he got under the bed clothes I held up to receive him, and was now in bed with +a woman for the first time in his life. +</p> + +<p> +Here began the usual tender preliminaries, as delicious, perhaps, as the +crowning act of enjoyment itself; which they often beget an impatience of, that +makes pleasure destructive of itself, by hurrying on the final period, and +closing that scene of bliss, in which the actors are generally too well pleased +with their parts, not to wish them an eternity of duration. +</p> + +<p> +When we had sufficiently graduated our advances towards the main point, by +toying, kissing, clipping, feeling my breasts, now round and plump, feeling +that part of me I might call a furnace mouth, from the prodigious intense heat +his fiery touches had rekindled there, my young sportsman, emboldened by the +very freedom he could wish, wontonly takes my hand, and carries it to that +enormous machine of his, that stood with a stiffness! a hardness! an upward +bend of erection! and which, together with it bottom dependence, the +inestimable bulse of ladies jewels, formed a grand showout of goods indeed! +Then its dimensions, mocking either grasp or span, almost renewed my terrors. +</p> + +<p> +I could not conceive how, or by what means I could take, or put such a bulk out +of sight. I stroked it gently, on which the mutinous rogue seemed to swell, and +gather a new degree of fierceness and insolence; so that finding it grew not to +be trifled with any longer, I prepared for rubbers in good earnest. +</p> + +<p> +Slipping then a pillow under me, that I might give him the fairest play, I +guided officiously with my hand this furious battering ram, whose ruby head, +presenting nearest the resemblance of a heart, I applied to its proper mark, +which lay as finely elevated as we could wish; my hips being borne up, and my +thighs at their utmost extension, the gleamy warmth that shot from it, made him +feel that he was at the mouth of the indraught, and driving fore right, the +powerfully divided lips of that pleasure-thirsty channel received him. He +hesitated a little; then, settled well in the passage, he makes his way up the +straights of it, with a difficulty nothing more than pleasing, widening as he +went so as to distend and smooth each soft furrow: our pleasure increasing +deliciously, in proportion to our points of mutual touch increased in that so +vital part of me which I had now taken him, all indriven, and completely +sheathed; and which, crammed as it was, stretched splitting ripe, gave it so +gratefully straight an accommodation! so strict a fold! a suction so fierce! +that gave and took unutterable delight. We had now reached the closest point of +union; but when he beckened to come on the fiercer, as if I had ben actuated by +a fear of losing him, in the height of my fury, I twist my legs round his naked +loins, the flesh of which, so firm, so springy to the touch, quivered again +under the pressure; and now I had him every way encircled and begirt; and +having drawn him home to me, I kept him fast there, as if I had sought to unite +bodies with him at that point. This bred a pause of action, a pleasure stop, +whilst that delicate glutton, my nether mouth, as full as it could hold, kept +palating, with exquisite relish, the morsel that so deliciously ingorged it. +But nature could not long endure a pleasure that it so highly provoked without +satisfying it: pursuing then its darling end, the battery recommenced with +redoubled exertion; nor lay I inactive on my side, but encountering him with +all the impetuosity of motion I was mistress of, the downy cloth of our meeting +mount was now of real use to break the violence of the tilt; and soon, indeed! +the highwrought agitation, the sweet urgency of this to-and-fro friction, +raised the titillation on me to its height; so that finding myself on the point +of going, and loath to leave the tender partner of my joys behind me, I +employed all the forwarding motions and arts my experience suggested to me, to +promote his keeping me company to our journey’s end. I not only then +tightened the pleasure-girth round my restless inmate, by a secret spring of +friction and compression that obeys the will in those parts, but stole my hand +softly to that store bag of nature’s prime sweets, which is so pleasingly +attached to its conduit pipe, from which we receive them; there feeling, and +most gently indeed, squeezing those tender globular reservoirs, the magic touch +took instant effect, quickened, and brought on upon the spur the symptoms of +that sweet agony, the melting moment of dissolution, when pleasure dies by +pleasure, and the mysterious engine of it overcomes the titillation it has +raised in those parts, by plying them with the stream of a warm liquid, that in +itself the highest of all titillations, and which they thirstily express and +draw in like the hot natured leach, which, to cool itself, tenaciously extracts +all the moisture within its sphere of execution. Chiming then to me, with +exquisite consent, as I melted away, his oily balsamic injection, mixing +deliciously with the sluices in flow from me, sheathed and blunted all the +stings of pleasure, whilst a voluptuous languor possest, and still maintained +us motionless, and fast locked in one another’s arms. Alas! that these +delights should be no longer-lived; for now the point of pleasure, unedged by +enjoyment, and all the brisk sensations flattened upon us, resigned us up to +the cool cares of insipid life. Disengaging myself then from his embrace, I +made him sensible of the reasons there were for his present leaving me; on +which, though reluctantly, he put on his clothes, with as little expedition, +however, as he could help, wantonly interrupting himself, between whiles, with +kisses, touches and embraces I could not refuse myself to. Yet he happily +returned to his master before he was missed; but, at taking leave, I forced him +(for he had sentiments enough to refuse it) to receive money enough to buy a +silver watch, that great article of subaltern finery, which he at length +accepted of, as a remembrance he was carefully to preserve of my affections. +</p> + +<p> +And here, Madam, I ought, perhaps, to make you an apology for this minute +detail of things, that dwelt so strongly upon my memory, after so deep an +impression; but, besides that this intrigue bred one great revolution in my +life, which historical truth requires I should not sink from you, may I not +presume that so exalted a pleasure ought not to be ungratefully forgotten, or +suppressed by me, because I found it in a character in low life; where, by the +by, it is oftener met with, purer, and more unsophisticated, than among the +false, ridiculous refinements with which the great suffer themselves to be so +grossly cheated by their pride: the great! than whom, there exist few amongst +those they call the vulgar, who are more ignorant of, or who cultivate less, +the art of living than they do; they, I say, who for ever mistake things the +most foreign to the nature of pleasure itself; whose capital favourite object +is enjoyment of beauty, wherever that rare invaluable gift is found, without +distinction of birth, or station. +</p> + +<p> +As love never had, so now revenge had no longer any share in my commerce in +this handsome youth. The sole pleasures of enjoyment were now the link I held +to him by: for though nature had done such great maters for him in his outward +form, and especially in that superb piece of furniture she had so liberally +enriched him with; though he was thus qualified to give the senses their +richest feast, still there was something more wanting to create in me, and +constitute the passion of love. Yet Will had very good qualities too: gentle, +tractable, and, above all, grateful; silentious, even to a fault: he spoke, at +any time, very little, but made it up emphatically with action; and, to do him +justice, he never gave me the least reason to complain, either of any tendency +to encroach upon me for the liberties I allowed him, or of his indiscretion in +blabbing them. There is, then, a fatality in love, or have loved him I must; +for he was really a treasure, a bit for the Bonne Bouche of a duchess; and, to +say the truth, my liking for him was so extreme, that it was distinguishing +very nicely to deny that I loved him. +</p> + +<p> +My happiness, however, with him did not last long, but found an end from my own +imprudent neglect. After having taken even superfluous precautions against a +discovery, our success in repeated meetings emboldened me to omit the barely +necessary ones. About a month after our first intercourse, one fatal morning +(the season Mr. H.... rarely or never visited me in) I was in my closet, where +my toilet stood, in nothing but my shift, a bed gown and under petticoat. Will +was with me, and both ever too well disposed to baulk an opportunity. For my +part, a whim, a wanton toy had just taken me, and I had challenged my man to +execute it on the spot, who hesitated not to comply with my humour: I was set +in the arm chair, my shift and petticoat up, my thighs wide spread and mounted +over the arms of the chair, presenting the fairest mark to Will’s drawn +weapon, which he stood in act to plunge into me, when, having neglected to +secure the chamber door, and that of the closet standing a-jar, Mr. H.... stole +in upon us, before either of us was aware, and saw us precisely in these +convicting attitudes. +</p> + +<p> +I gave a great scream, and dropped my petticoat: the thunder-struck lad stood +trembling and pale, waiting his sentence of death. Mr. H.... looked sometimes +at one, sometimes at the other, with a mixture of indignation and scorn; and, +without saying a word, spun upon his heel and went out. +</p> + +<p> +As confused as I was, I heard him very distinctly turn the key, and lock the +chamber door upon us, so that there was no escape but through the dining room, +where he himself was walking about with distempered strides, stamping in a +great chafe, and doubtless debating what he would do with us. +</p> + +<p> +In the mean time, poor William was frightened out of his senses, and, as much +need as I had of spirits myself, I was obliged to employ them all to keep his a +little up. The misfortune I had now brought upon him, endeared him the more to +me, and I could have joyfully suffered any punishment he had not shared in. I +watered, plentifully, with my tears, the face of the frightened youth, who sat, +not having strength to stand, as cold and as lifeless as a statue. +</p> + +<p> +Presently Mr. H.... comes in to us again, and made us go before him into the +dining room, trembling and dreading the issue, Mr. H.....sat down on a chair +whilst we stood like criminals under examination; and, beginning with me, asked +me, with an even firm tone of voice, neither soft nor severe, but cruelly +indifferent, what I could say for myself, for having abused him in so unworthy +a manner, with his own servant too, and how he had deserved this of me? +</p> + +<p> +Without adding to the guilt of my infidelity, that of an audacious defence of +it, in the old style of a common kept miss, my answer was modest, and often +interrupted by my tears, in substance as follows: “That I never had a +single thought of wronging him” (which was true), “till I had seen +him taking the last liberties with my servant wench” (here he coloured +prodigiously), “and that my resentment at that, which I was over-awed +from giving vent to by complaints, or explanations with him, had driven me to a +course that I did not pretend to justify; but that as to the young man, he was +entirely faultless; for that, in the view of making him the instrument of my +revenge, I had down right seduced him to what he had done; and therefore hoped, +whatever he determined about me, he would distinguish between the guilty and +the innocent; and that; for the rest, I was entirely at his mercy.” +</p> + +<p> +Mr. H.... on hearing what I said, hung his head a little; but instantly +recovering himself, he said to me, as near as I can retain, to the following +purpose: +</p> + +<p> +“Madam, I owe shame to myself, and confess you have fairly turned the +tables upon me. It is not with one of your cast of breeding and sentiments, +that I allow you so much reason on your side, as great difference of the +provocations: be it sufficient that I should enter into a discussion of the +very to have changed my resolution, in consideration of what you reproach me +with; and I own, too, that your clearing that rascal there, is fair and honest +in you. Renew with you I cannot: the affront is too gross. I give you a +week’s warning to get out of these lodgings; whatever I have given you, +remains to you; and as I never intend to see you more, the landlord will pay +you fifty pieces on my account, with which, and every debt paid, I hope you +will own I do not leave you in a worse condition than what I took you up in, or +that you deserve of me. Blame yourself only that it is no better.” +</p> + +<p> +Then, without giving me time to reply, he addressed himself to the young +fellow: +</p> + +<p> +“For you, spark, I shall, for your father’s sake, take care of you: +the town is no place for such an easy fool as thou art; and to-morrow you shall +set out, under the charge of one of my men, well recommended, in my name, to +your father, not to let you return and be spoil’d here.” +</p> + +<p> +At these words he went out, after my vainly attempting to stop him, by throwing +myself at his feet. He shook me off, though he seemed greatly moved too, and +took Will away with him, who, I dare swear, thought himself very cheaply off. +</p> + +<p> +I was now once more a-drift, and left upon my own hands, by a gentleman whom I +certainly did not deserve. And all the letters, arts, friends, entreaties that +I employed within the week of grace in my lodging, could never win on him so +much as to see me again. He had irrevocably pronounced my doom, and submission +to it was my only part. Soon after he married a lady of birth and fortune, to +whom, I have heard he proved an irreproachable husband. +</p> + +<p> +As for poor Will, he was immediately sent down to the country to his father, +who was an easy farmer, where he was not four months before an +inn-keepers’ buxom young widow, with a very good stock, both in money and +trade, fancied, and perhaps pre-acquainted with his secret excellencies, +married him: and I am sure there was, at least, one good foundation for their +living happily together. +</p> + +<p> +Though I should have been charmed to see him before he went, such measures were +taken, by Mr. H....’s orders, that it was impossible; otherwise I should +certainly have endeavoured to detain him in town, and would have spared neither +offers nor expense to have procured myself the satisfaction of keeping him with +me. He had such powerful holds upon my inclinations as were not easily to be +shaken off, or replaced; as to my heart, it was quite out of the question: +glad, however, I was from my soul, that nothing worse, and as things turned +out, nothing better could have happened to him. +</p> + +<p> +As to Mr. H..., though views of conveniency made me, at first, exert myself to +regain his affection, I was giddy and thoughtless enough to be much easier +reconciled to my failure than I ought to have been; but as I never had loved +him, and his leaving me gave me a sort of liberty that I had often longed for, +I was soon comforted; and flattering myself, that the stock of youth and beauty +I was going to trade with, could hardly fail of procuring me a maintenance, I +saw myself under the necessity of trying my fortune with them, rather, with +pleasure and gaiety, than with the least idea of despondency. +</p> + +<p> +In the mean time, several of my acquaintances among the sisterhood, who had +soon got wind of my misfortune, flocked to insult me with their malicious +consolations. Most of them had long envied me the affluence and splendour I had +been maintained in; and though there was scarce one of them that did not at +least deserve to be in my case, and would probably, sooner or later, come to +it, it was equally easy to remark, even in their affected pity, their secret +pleasure at seeing me thus discarded, and their secret grief that it was no +worse with me. Unaccountable malice of the human heart! and which is not +confined to the class of life they were of. +</p> + +<p> +But as the time approached for me to come to some resolution how to dispose of +myself, and I was considering, round where to shift my quarters to, Mrs. Cole, +a middle aged discreet sort of woman, who had been brought into my acquaintance +by one of the misses that visited me, upon learning my situation, came to offer +her cordial advice and service to me; and as I had always taken to her more +than to any of my female acquaintances, I listened the easier to her proposals. +And, as it happened, I could not have put myself into worse, or into better +hands in all London: into worse, because keeping a house of conveniency, there +were no lengths in lewdness she would not advise me to go, in compliance with +her customers; no schemes, or pleasure, or even unbounded debauchery, she did +not take even a delight in promoting: into a better, because nobody having had +more experience of the wicked part of the town than she had, was fitter to +advise and guard one against the worst dangers of our profession; and what was +rare to be met with in those of her’s, she contented herself with a +moderate living profit upon her industry and good offices, and had nothing of +their greedy rapacious turn. She was really too a gentlewoman born and bred, +but through a train of accidents reduced to this course, which she pursued, +partly through necessity, partly through choice, as never woman delighted more +in encouraging a brisk circulation of the trade, for the sake of the trade +itself, or better understood all the mysteries and refinements of it, than she +did; so that she was consummately at the top of her profession, and dealt only +with customers of distinction: to answer the demands of whom she kept a +competent number of her daughters in constant recruit (so she called those whom +their youth and personal charms recommended to her adoption and management: +several of whom, by her means, and through her tuition and instructions, +succeeded very well in the world). +</p> + +<p> +This useful gentlewoman upon whose protection I now threw myself, having her +reasons of state, respecting Mr. H...., for not appearing too much in the thing +herself, sent a friend of her’s, on the day appointed for my removal, to +conduct me to my new lodgings at a brush-maker’s in E—— +street, Covent Garden, the very next door to her own house, where she had no +conveniences to lodge me herself: lodgings that, by having been for several +successions tenanted by ladies of pleasures, the landlord of them was +familiarized to their ways; and provided the rent was paid, every thing else +was as easy and commodious as one could desire. +</p> + +<p> +The fifty guineas promised me by Mr. H...., at his parting with me, having been +duly paid me, all my clothes and moveables chested up, which were at least of +two hundred pounds value, I had them conveyed into a coach, where I soon +followed them, after taking a civil leave of the landlord and his family, with +whom I had never lived in a degree of familiarity enough to regret the removal; +but still, the very circumstance of its being a removal, drew tears from me. I +left, too, a letter of thanks for Mr. H...., from whom I concluded myself, as I +really was, irretrievably separated. +</p> + +<p> +My maid I had discharged the day before, not only because I had her of Mr. +H...., but that I suspected her of having some how or other been the occasion +of his discovering me, in revenge, perhaps, for my not having trusted her with +him. +</p> + +<p> +We soon got to my lodgings, which, though not so handsomely furnished, nor so +showy as those I left, were to the full as convenient, and at half price, +though on the first floor. My trunks were safely landed, and stowed in my +apartments, where my neighbour, and now gouvernante, Mrs. Cole, was ready with +my landlord to receive me, to whom she took care to set me out in the most +favourable light, that of one from whom there was the clearest reason to expect +the regular payment of his rent: all the cardinal virtues attributed to me, +would not have had half the weight of that recommendation alone. +</p> + +<p> +I was now settled in lodgings of my own, abandoned to my own conduct, and +turned loose upon the town, to sink or swim, as I could manage with the current +of it; and what were the consequences, together with the number of adventures +which befell me in the exercise of my new profession, will compose the mater of +another letter: for surely it is high time to put a period! to this. +</p> + +<p> +I am, +</p> + +<p> +MADAM, +</p> + +<p> +Yours, etc., etc., etc. +</p> + +<h5>THE END OF THE FIRST LETTER</h5> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h3><a name="chap02"></a>LETTER THE SECOND</h3> + +<h4>Madam,</h4> + +<p> +If I have delayed the sequel of my history, it has been purely to allow myself +a little breathing time not without some hopes, that, instead of pressing me to +a continuation, you would have acquitted me of the task of pursuing a +confession, in the course of which my self-esteem has so many wounds to sustain. +</p> + +<p> +I imagined, indeed, that you would have been cloyed and tired with uniformity +of adventures and expressions, inseparable from a subject of this sort, whose +bottom, or groundwork being, in the nature of things eternally one and the +same, whatever variety of forms and modes the situations are susceptible of, +there is no escaping a repetition of near the same images, the same figures, +the same expressions, with this further inconvenience added to the disgust it +creates, that the words Joys, Ardours, Transports, Extasies and the rest of +those pathetic terms so congenial to, so received in the Practice of Pleasure, +flatten and lose much of their due spirit and energy by the frequency they +indispensably recur with, in a narrative of which that Practice professedly +composes the whole basis. I must therefore trust to the candour of your +judgment, for your allowing for the disadvantage I am necessarily under in that +respect; and to your imagination and sensibility, the pleasing taks of +repairing it, by their supplements, where my descriptions flag or fail: the one +will readily place the pictures I present before your eyes; the other give life +to the colours where they are dull, or worn with too frequent handling. +</p> + +<p> +What you say besides, by way of encouragement concerning the extreme difficulty +of continuing so long in one strain, in a mean tempered with taste, between the +revoltingness of gross, rank and vulgar expressions, and the ridicule of +mincing metaphors and affected circumlocutions, is so sensible, as well as +good-natured, that you greatly justify me to myself for my compliance with a +curiosity that is to be satisfied so extremely at my expense. +</p> + +<p> +Resuming now where I broke off in my last, I am in my way to remark to you, +that it was late in the evening before I arrived at my lodgings, and Mrs. Cole, +after helping me to range and secure my things, spent the whole evening with me +in my apartment, where we supped together, in giving me the best advice and +instruction with regard to the new stage of my profession I was now to enter +upon; and passing thus from a private devotee to pleasure into a public one, to +become a more general good, with all the advantages requisite to put my person +out to use, either for interest or pleasure, or both. “But then,” +she observed, “as I was a kind of new face upon the town, that is, was an +established rule, and part of trade, for me to pass for a maid and dispose of +myself as such on the first good occasion, without prejudice, however, to such +diversions as I might have a mind to in the interim; for that nobody could be a +greater enemy than she was to the losing of time. That she would, in the mean +time, do her best to find out a proper person, and would undertake to manage +this nice point for me, if I would accept of her aid and advice to such good +purpose, that, in the loss of a fictitious maidenhead, I should reap all the +advantages of a native one.” +</p> + +<p> +As too great a delicacy of sentiments did not extremely belong to my character +at that time, I confess, against myself, that I perhaps too readily closed with +a proposal which my candor and ingenuity gave me some repugnance to: but not +enough to contradict the intention of one to whom I had now thoroughly +abandoned the direction of all my steps. For Mrs. Cole had, I do not know how +unless by one of those unaccountable invincible sympathies that, nevertheless, +from the strongest links, especially of female friendship, won and got entire +possession of me. On her side, she pretended that a strict resemblance, she +fancied she saw in me, to an only daughter whom she had lost at my age, was the +first motive of her taking to me so affectionately as she did. It might be so: +there exist a slender motives of attachment, that, gathering force from habit +and liking, have proved often more solid and durable than those founded on much +stronger reasons; but this I know, that though I had no other acquaintance with +her, than seeing her at my lodgings, when I lived with Mr. H..., where she had +made errands to sell me some millinery ware, she had by degrees insinuated +herself so far into my confidence, that I threw myself blindly into her hands, +and came, at length, to regard, love, and obey her implicitly; and, to do her +justice, I never experienced at her hands other than a sincerity of tenderness, +and care for my interest, hardly heard of in those of her profession. We parted +that night, after having settled a perfect unreserved agreement; and the next +morning Mrs. Cole came, and took me with her to her house for the first time. +</p> + +<p> +Here, at the first sight of things, I found every thing breathe an air of +decency, modesty and order. +</p> + +<p> +In the outer parlour, or rather shop, sat three young women, rather demurely +employed on millinery work, which was the cover of a traffic in more precious +commodities; but three beautifuller creatures could hardly be seen. Two of them +were extremely fair, the eldest not above nineteen; and the third, much about +that age, was a piquant brunette, whose black sparking eyes, and perfect +harmony of features and shape, left her nothing to envy in her fairer +companions. Their dress too had the more design in it, the less it appeared to +have, being in a taste of uniform correct neatness, and elegant simplicity. +These were the girls that composed the small domestic flock, which my governess +trained up with surprising order and management, considering the giddy wildness +of young girls once got upon the loose. But then she never continued any in her +house, whom, after a due noviciate, she found un-tractable, or unwilling to +comply with the rules of it. Thus she had insensibly formed a little family of +love, in which the members found so sensibly their account, in a rare alliance +of pleasure and interest, and of a necessary outward decency, with unbounded +secret liberty, that Mrs. Cole, who had picked them as much for their temper as +their beauty, governed them with ease to herself and them too. +</p> + +<p> +To these pupils then of hers, whom she had prepared, she presented me as a new +boarder, and one that was to be immediately admitted to all the intimacies of +the house; upon which these charming girls gave me all the marks of a welcome +reception, and indeed of being perfectly pleased with my figure, that I could +possibly expect from any of my own sex: but they had been effectually brought +to sacrifice all jealousy, or competition of charms, to a common interest, and +considered me a partner that was bringing no despicable stock of goods into the +trade of the house. They gathered round me, viewed me on all sides; and as my +admission into this joyous troop made a little holiday, the shew of work was +laid aside; and Mrs. Cole giving me up, with special recommendation, to their +caresses and entertainment, went about her ordinary business of the house. +</p> + +<p> +The sameness of our sex, age, profession, and views, soon creased as unreserved +a freedom and intimacy as if we had been for years acquainted. They took and +shewed me the house, their respective apartments, which were furnished with +every article of convenience and luxury; and above all, a spacious +drawing-room, where a select revelling band usually met, in general parties of +pleasure; the girls supping with their sparks, and acting their wanton pranks +with unbounded licentiousness; whilst a defiance of awe, modesty or jealousy +were their standing rules, by which, according to the principles of their +society, whatever pleasure was lost on the side of sentiment, was abundantly +made up to the senses in the poignancy of variety, and the charms of ease and +luxury. The authors and supporters of this secret institution would, in the +height of their humour, style themselves the restorers of the golden age and +its simplicity of pleasures, before their innocence became so unjustly branded +with the names of guilt and shame. +</p> + +<p> +As soon then as the evening began, and the shew of a shop was shut, the academy +opened; the mask of mock-modesty was completely taken off, and all the girls +delivered over to their respective calls of pleasure or interest with their +men: and none of that sex was promiscuously admitted, but only such as Mrs. +Cole was previously satisfied with their character and discretion. In short, +this was the safest, politest, and, at the same time, the most thorough house +of accommodation in town: every thing being conducted so, that decency made no +intrenchment upon the most libertine pleasures; in the practice of which, too, +the choice familiars of the house had found the secret so rare and difficult, +of reconciling even all the refinements of taste and delicacy, with the most +gross and determinate gratifications of sensuality. +</p> + +<p> +After having consumed the morning in the dear endearments and instructions of +my new acquaintance, we went to dinner, when Mrs. Cole, presiding at the head +of her club, gave me the first idea of her management and address, in inspiring +these girls with so sensible a love and respect for her. There was no +stiffness, no reserve, no airs of pique, or little jealousies, but all was +unaffectedly gay, cheerful and easy. +</p> + +<p> +After dinner, Mrs. Cole, seconded by the young ladies, acquainted me that there +was a chapter to be held that night in form, for the ceremony of my reception +into the sisterhood; and in which, with all due reserve to my maidenhead, that +was to be occasionally cooked up for the first proper chapman. I was to undergo +a ceremonial of initiation they were sure I should not be displeased with. +</p> + +<p> +Embarked as I was, and moreover captivated with the charms of my new +companions, I was too much prejudiced in favour of any proposal they could +make, to as much as hesitate an assent; which, therefore, readily giving in the +style of a carte blanche, I received fresh kisses of compliment from them all, +in approval of my docility and good nature. Now I was “a sweet girl... I +came into things with a good grace... I was not affectedly coy... I should be +the pride of the house,” and the like. +</p> + +<p> +This point thus adjusted, the young women left Mrs. Cole to talk and concert +matters with me, when she explained to me, that “I should be introduced +that very evening, to four of her best friends, one of whom she had, according +to the custom of the house, favoured with the preference of engaging me in the +first party of pleasure;” assuring me, at the same time, “that they +were all young gentlemen agreeable in their persons, and unexceptionable in +every respect; that united, and holding together by the band of common +pleasures, they composed the chief support of her house, and made very liberal +presents to the girls that pleased and humoured them, so that they were, +properly speaking, the founders and patrons of this little seraglio. Not but +that she had, at proper seasons, other customers to deal with, whom she stood +less upon punctilio with, than with these; for instance, it was not on one of +them she could attempt to pass me for a maid; they were not only too knowing, +too much town-bred to bite at such a bait, but they were such generous +benefactors to her, that it would be unpardonable to think of it.” +</p> + +<p> +Amidst all the flutter and emotion which this promise of pleasure, for such I +conceived it, stirred up in me, I preserved so much of the woman, as to feign +just reluctance enough to make some merit, of sacrificing it to the influence +of my patroness, whom I likewise, still in character, reminded of it perhaps +being right for me to go home and dress, in favour of my first impressions. +</p> + +<p> +But Mrs. Cole, in opposition to this, assured me, “that the gentlemen I +should be presented to were, by their rank and taste of things, infinitely +superior to the being touched with any glare of dress or ornaments, such slick +women rather confound and overlay than set off their beauty with; that these +veteran voluptuaries knew better than not to hold them in the highest contempt: +they with whom the pure native charms alone could pass current, and who would +at any time leave a sallow, washy, painted duchess on her own hands, for a +ruddy, healthy firm fleshed country maid; and as for my part, that nature had +done enough for me, to set me above owing the least favour to art;” +concluding withal, that for the instant occasion, there was no dress like an +undress. +</p> + +<p> +I thought my governess too good a judge of these matters, not to be easily +overruled by her: after which she went on preaching very pathetically the +doctrine of passive obedience and non-resistance to all those arbitrary tastes +of pleasure, which are by some styled the refinements, and by others the +depravations of it; between whom it was not the business of a simple girl, who +was to profit by pleasing, to decide, but to conform to. Whilst I was edifying +by these wholesome lessons, tea was brought in, and the young ladies, +returning, joined company with us. +</p> + +<p> +After a great deal of mixed chat, frolic and humour, one of them, observing +that there would be a good deal of time on and before the assembly hour, +proposed that each girl should entertain the company with that critical period +of her personal history, in which she first exchanged the maiden state for +womanhood. The proposal was approved, with only one restriction of Mrs. Cole, +that she, on account of her age, and I, on account of my titular maidenhead, +should be excused, at least till I had undergone the forms of the house. This +obtained me a dispensation, and the promotress of this amusement was desired to +begin. +</p> + +<p> +Her name was Emily; a girl fair to excess, and whose limbs were, if possible, +too well made, since their plump fulness was rather to the prejudice of that +delicate slimness required by the nicer judges of beauty; her eyes were blue, +and streamed inexpressible sweetness, and nothing could be prettier than her +mouth and lips, which closed over a range of the evenest and whitest teeth. +Thus she began: +</p> + +<p> +“Neither my extraction, nor the most critical adventure of my life, is +sublime enough to impeach me of any vanity in the advancement of the proposal +you have approved of. My father and mother were, and for aught I know, are +still, farmers in the country, not above forty miles from town: their barbarity +to me, in favour of a son, on whom alone they vouchsafed to bestow their +tenderness, had a thousand times determined me to fly their house, and throw +myself on the wide world; but, at length, an accident forced me on this +desperate attempt at the age of fifteen. I had broken a chinabowl, the pride +and idol of both their hearts; and as an unmerciful beating was the least I had +to depend on at their hands, in the silliness of these tender years, I left the +house, and, at all adventures, took the road to London. How my loss was +resented I do not know, for till this instant I have not heard a syllable about +them. My whole stock was two broad pieces of my godmother’s, a few +shillings, silver shoe-buckles and a silver thimble. Thus equipped, with no +more clothes than the ordinary ones I had on my back, and frightened at every +foot or noise I heard behind me, I hurried on; and I dare sweare, walked a +dozen miles before I stopped, through mere weariness and fatigue. At length I +sat down on a style, wept bitterly, and yet was still rather under increased +impressions of fear on the account of my escape; which made me dread, worse +than death, the going back to my unnatural parents. Refreshed by this little +repose, and relieved by my tears, I was proceeding onward, when I was overtaken +by a sturdy country lad, who was going to London to see what he could do for +himself there, and, like me, had given his friends the slip. He could not be +above seventeen, was ruddy, well featured enough, with uncombed flaxen hair, a +little flapped hat, kersey frock, yarn stockings, in short, a perfect plough +boy. I saw him come whistling behind me, with a bundle tied to the end of a +stick, his travelling equipage. We walked by one another for some time without +speaking; at length we joined company, and agreed to keep together till we got +to our journey’s end; what his designs or ideas were, I know not: the +innocence of mine I can solemnly protest. +</p> + +<p> +“As night drew on, it became us to look out for some inn or shelter; to +which perplexity another was added, and that was, what we should say for +ourselves, if we were questioned. After some puzzle, the young fellow started a +proposal, which I thought the finest that could be; and what was that? why, +that we should pass for husband and wife: I never dreamed of consequences. We +came presently, after having agreed on this notable experience, to one of those +hedge accommodations for foot passengers, at the door of which stood an old +crazy beldam, who seeing us trudge by, invited us to lodge there. Glad of any +cover, we went in, and my fellow traveller, taking all upon him, called for +what the house afforded, and we supped together as man and wife; which, +considering our figures and ages, could not have passed on any one but such as +any thing could pass on. But when bed-time came on, we had neither of us the +courage to contradict our first account of ourselves; and what was extremely +pleasant, the young lad seemed as perplexed as I was how to evade lying +together, which was so natural for the state we had pretended to. Whilst we +were in this quandary, the landlady takes the candles, and lights us to our +apartment, through a long yard, at the end of which it stood, separate from the +body of the house. Thus we suffered ourselves to be conducted, without saying a +word in opposition to it; and there, in a wretched room, with a bed answerable, +we were left to pass the night together, as a thing quite of course. For my +part, I was so incredibly innocent, as not even to think much more harm of +going into bed with the young man, than with one of our dairy wenches; nor had +he, perhaps, any other notions than those of innocence, till such a fair +occasion put them into his head. +</p> + +<p> +“Before either of us undressed, however, he put out the candle; and the +bitterness of the weather made it a kind of necessity for me to go into bed: +slipping then my clothes off, I crept under the bedclothes, where I found the +young stripling already nestled, and the touch of his warm flesh rather pleased +than alarmed me. I was indeed too much disturbed with the novelty of my +condition to be able to sleep; but then I had not the least thought of harm. +But oh! how powerful are the instincts of nature! how little is there wanting +to set them in action! The young man, sliding his arm under my body, drew me +gently towards him, as if to keep himself and me warmer; and the heat I felt +from joining our breasts, kindled another that I had hitherto never felt, and +was, even then, a stranger to the nature of. Emboldened, I suppose, by my +easiness, he ventured to kiss me, and I insensibly returned it; without knowing +the consequence of returning it: for, on this encouragement, he slipped his +hand all down from my breast to that part of me where the sense of feeling is +so exquisitely critical, as I then experienced by its instant taking fire upon +the touch, and glowing with a strange tickling heat: there he pleased himself +and me, by feeling, till growing a little too bold with me, he hurt me, and +made me complain. Then he took my hand, which he guided, not unwillingly on my +side, between the twist of his closed thighs, which were extremely warm; there +he lodged and pressed it, till raising it by degrees, he made me feel the proud +distinction of his sex from mine. I was frightened at the novelty, and drew +back my hand; yet, pressed and spurred on by sensations of a strange pleasure, +I could not help asking him what that was for? He told me he would shew me if I +would let him; and without waiting for my answer, which he prevented by +stopping my mouth with kisses I was far from disrelishing, he got upon me, and +inserting one of his thighs between mine, opened them so as to make way for +himself, and fixed me to his purpose; whilst I was so much out of my usual +sense, so subdued by the present power of a new one, that, between far and +desire, I lay utter passive, till the piercing pain rouzed and made me cry out. +But it was too late: he was too firm fixed in the saddle for me to compass +flinging him, with all the struggles I could use, some of which only served to +further his point, and at length an irresistible thrust murdered at once my +maidenhead, and almost me. I now lay a bleeding witness of the necessity +imposed on our sex, to gather the first honey off the thorns. +</p> + +<p> +“But the pleasure rising as the pain subsided, I was soon reconciled to +fresh trials, and before morning, nothing on earth could be dearer to me than +this rifler of my virgin sweets: he was every thing to me now. +</p> + +<p> +“How we agreed to join fortunes: how we came up to town together, where +we lived some time, till necessity-parted us, and drove me into this course of +life, to which I had been long ago bettered and torn to pieces before I came to +this age, as much through my easiness, as through inclination, had it not been +for my finding refuge in this house: these are all circumstances which pass the +mark I proposed, so that here my narrative ends.” +</p> + +<p> +In the order of our sitting, it was Harriet’s turn to go on. Amongst all +the beauties of our sex, that I had before, or have since seen, few indeed were +the forms that could dispute excellence with her’s; it was not delicate, +but delicacy itself incarnate, such was the symmetry of her small but exactly +fashioned limbs. Her complexion, fair as it was, appeared yet more fair, from +the effect of two black eyes, the brilliancy of which gave her face more +vivacity than belonged to the colour of it, which was only defended from +paleness, by a sweetly pleasing blush in her cheeks, that grew fainter and +fainter, till at length it died away insensibly into the overbearing white. +Then her miniature features joined to finish the extreme sweetness of it, which +was not belied by that of a temper turned to indolence, languor, and the +pleasures of love. Pressed to subscribe her contingent, she smiled, blushed a +little, and thus complied with our desires: +</p> + +<p> +“My father was neither better nor worse than a miller near the city of +York; and both he and my mother dying whilst I was an infant, I fell under the +care of a widow and childless aunt, housekeeper to my lord N..., at his seat in +the county of..., where she brought me up with all imaginable tenderness. I was +not seventeen, as I am not now eighteen, before I had, on account of my person +purely (for fortune I had notoriously none), several advantageous proposals; +but whether nature was slow in making me sensible in her favourite passion, or +that I had not seen any of the other sex who had stirred up the least emotion +or curiosity to be better acquainted with it, I had, till that age, preserved a +perfect innocence, even of thought: whilst my fears of I did not now well know +what, made me no more desirous of marrying than of dying. My aunt, good woman, +favoured my timorousness, which she looked on as childish affection, that her +own experience might probably assure her would wear off in time, and gave my +suitors proper answers for me. +</p> + +<p> +“The family had not been down at that seat for years, so that it was +neglected, and committed entirely to my aunt, and two old domestics to take +care of it. Thus I had the full range of a spacious lonely house and gardens, +situated at about half a mile distance from any other habitation, except, +perhaps, a straggling cottage or so. +</p> + +<p> +“Here, in tranquillity and innocence, I grew up without any memorable +accident, till one fatal day I had, as I had often done before, left my aunt +asleep, and secure for some hours, after dinner; and resorting to a kind of +ancient summer house, at some distance from the house, I carried my work with +me, and sat over a rivulet, which its door and window faced upon. Here I fell +into a gentle breathing slumber, which stole upon my senses, as they fainted +under the excessive heat of the season at that hour; a cane couch, with my work +basked for a pillow, were all the conveniences of my short repose; for I was +soon awaked and alarmed by a flounce, and noise of splashing in the water. I +got up to see what was the matter; and what indeed should it be but the son of +a neighbouring gentleman, as I afterwards found (for I had never seen him +before), who had strayed that way with his gun, and heated by his sport, and +the sultriness of the day, had been tempted by the freshness of the clear +stream; so that presently stripping, he jumped into it on the other side, which +bordered on a wood, some trees whereof, inclined down to the water, formed a +pleasing shady recess, commodious to undress and leave his clothes under. +</p> + +<p> +“My first emotions at the sight of this youth, naked in the water, were, +with all imaginable respect to truth, those of surprise and fear; and, in +course, I should immediately have run out, had not my modesty, fatally for +itself, interposed the objection of the door and window being so situated, that +it was scarce possible to get out, and make my way along the bank to the house, +without his seeing me: which I could not bear the thought of, so much ashamed +and confounded was I at having seen him. Condemned then to stay till his +departure should release me, I was greatly embarrassed how to dispose of +myself: I kept some time betwixt terror and modesty, even from looking through +the window, which being an old fashioned casement, without any light behind me, +could hardly betray any one’s being there to him from within; then the +door was so secure, that without violence, or my own consent, there was no +opening it from without. +</p> + +<p> +“But now, by my own experience, I found it too true, that objects which +affright us, when we cannot get from them, draw our eyes as forcibly as those +that please us. I could not long withstand that nameless impulse, which, +without any desire of this novel sight, compelled me towards it; emboldened too +by my certainty of being at once unseen and safe, I ventured by degrees to cast +my eyes on an object so terrible and alarming to my virgin modesty as a naked +man. +</p> + +<p> +“But as I snatched a look, the first gleam that struck me, was in general +the dewy lustre of the whitest skin imaginable, which the sun playing upon made +the reflection of it perfectly beamy. His face, in the confusion I was in, I +could not well distinguish the lineamints of, any farther than that there was a +great deal of youth and freshness in it. The frolic and various play of all his +fine polished limbs, as they appeared above the surface, in the course of his +swimming or wantoning with the water, amused and insensibly delighted me; +sometimes he lay motionless, on his back, waterborne, and dragging after him a +fine head of hair, that, floating, swept the stream in a bush of black curls. +Then the overflowing water would make a separation between his breast and +glossy white belly; at the bottom of which I could not escape observing so +remarkable a distinction, as a black mossy tuft, out of which appeared to +emerge a round, softish, limber, white something, that played every way, with +ever the least motion or whirling eddy. I cannot say but that part chiefly, by +a kind of natural instinct, attracted, detained, captivated my attention: it +was out of the power of all my modesty to command my eye away from it; and +seeing nothing so very dreadful in its appearance, I insensibly looked away all +my fears: but as fast as they gave way, new desires and strange wishes took +place, and I melted as I gazed. The fire of nature, that had so long lain +dormant or concealed, began to break out, and made me feel my sex for the first +time. He had now changed his posture, and swam prone on his belly, striking out +with his legs and arms; finer modeled than which could not have been cast, +whilst his floating locks played over a neck and shoulders whose whiteness they +delightfully set off. Then the luxuriant swell of flesh that rose from the +small of his back, and terminates its double cope at where the thighs are set +off, perfectly dazzled one with its watery glistening gloss. +</p> + +<p> +“By this time I was so affected by this inward involution of sentiments, +so softened by this sight, that now, betrayed into a sudden transition from +extreme fears to extreme desires, I found these last so strong upon me, the +heat of the weather too perhaps conspiring to exalt their rage, that nature +almost fainted under them. Not that I so much as knew precisely what was +wanting to me: my only thought was, that so sweet a creature, as this youth +seemed to me, could only make me happy; but then, the little likelihood there +was of compassing an acquaintance with him, or perhaps of ever seeing him +again, dashed my desires, and turned them into torments. I was still gazing, +with all the powers of my sight, on this bewitching object, when, in an +instant, down he went. I had heard of such things as a cramp seizing on even +the best swimmers, and occasioning their being drowned; and imagining this so +sudden eclipse to be owing to it, the inconceivable fondness this unknown lad +had given birth to, distracted me with the most killing terrors; insomuch, that +my concern giving the wings, I flew to the door, opened it, ran down to the +canal, guided thither by the madness of my fears for him, and the intense +desire of being an instrument to save him, though I was ignorant how, or by +what means to effect it: but was it for fears, and a passion so sudden as mine, +to reason! All this took up scarce the space of a few moments. I had then just +life enough to reach the green borders of the waterpiece, where wildly looking +round for the young man, and missing him still, my fright and concern sunk me +down in a deep swoon, which must have lasted me some time; for I did not come +to myself, till I was roused out of it by a sense of pain that pierced me to +the vitals, and awaked me to the the most surprising circumstance of finding +myself not only in the arms of this very young gentleman I had been so +solicitous to save; but taken at such an advantage in my unresisting condition, +that he had actually completed his entrance into me so far, that weakened as I +was by all the preceding conflicts of mind I had suffered, and struck dumb by +the violence of my surprise, I had neither the power to cry out, nor the +strength to disengage myself from his strenuous embraces, before, urging his +point, he had forced his way and completely triumphed over my virginity, as he +might now as well see by the streams of blood that followed his drawing out, as +he had felt by the difficulties he had met with consummating his penetration. +But the sight of the blood, and the sense of my condition, had (as he told me +afterwards), since the ungovernable rage of his passion was somewhat appeased, +now wrought so far on him, that at all risks, even of the worst consequences, +he could not find in his heart to leave me, and make off, which he might easily +have done. I still lay all discomposed in bleeding ruin, palpitating, +speechless, unable to get off, and frightened, and fluttering like a poor +wounded partridge, and ready to faint away again at the sense of what had +befallen me. The young gentleman was by me, kneeling, kissing my hand, and with +tears in his eyes, beseeching me to forgive him, and offering all the +reparation in his power. It is certain that could I, at the instant of +regaining my senses, have called out, or taken the bloodiest revenge, I would +not be stuck at it; the violation was attended too with such aggravating +circumstances, though he was ignorant of them, since it was to my concern for +the preservation of his life, that I owed my ruin. +</p> + +<p> +“But how quick is the shift of passions from one extreme to another! and +how little are they acquainted with the human heart who dispute it! I could not +see this amiable criminal, so suddenly the first object of my love, and as +suddenly of my just hate, on his knees, bedewing my hands with his tears, +without relenting. He was still stark-naked, but my modesty had been already +too much wounded, in essentials, to be so much shocked as I should have +otherwise been with appearances only; in short, my anger ebbed so fast, and the +tide of love returned so strong upon me, that I felt it a point of my own +happiness to forgive him. The reproaches I made him were murmured in so soft a +tone, my eyes met his with such glances, expressing more languor than +resentment, that he could not but presume his forgiveness was at no desperate +distance; but still he would not quit his posture of submission, till I had +pronounced his pardon in form; which after the most fervent entreaties, +protestations, and promises, I had not the power to withhold. On which, with +the utmost marks of a fear of again offending, he ventured to kiss my lips, +which I neither declined nor resented: but on my mild expostulation with him +upon the barbarity of his treatment, he explained the mystery of my ruin, if +not entirely to the clearance, at least much to the alleviation of his guilt, +in the eyes of a judge so partial in his favour as I was grown. +</p> + +<p> +“It seems that the circumstance of his going down, or sinking, which in +my extreme ignorance I had mistaken for something very fatal, was no other than +a trick of diving, which I had not ever heard, or at least attended o, the +mention of: and he was so long-breathed at it, that in the few moments in which +I ran out to save him, he had not yet emerged, before I fell into the swoon, in +which, as he rose, seeing me extended on the bank, his first idea was, that +some young woman was upon some design of frolic or diversion with him, for he +knew I could not have fallen asleep there without his having seen me before: +agreebly to which notion he had ventured to approach, and finding me without +sign of life, and still perplexed as he was what to think of the adventure, he +took me in his arms at all hazards, and carried me into the summer-house, of +which he observed the door open: there he laid me down on the couch, and tried, +as he protested in good faith, by several means to bring me to myself again, +till fired, as he said, beyond all bearing by the sight and touch of several +parts of me, which were unguardedly exposed to him, he could no longer govern +his passion; and the less, as he was not quite sure that his first idea of this +swoon being a feint, was not the very truth of the case; seduced then by this +flattering notion, and overcome by the present, as he styled them, super-human +temptations, combined with the solitude and seeming security of the attempt, he +was not enough his own master not to make it. Leaving me then just only whilst +he fastened the door, he returned with redoubled eagerness to his prey: when, +finding me still entranced, he ventured to place me as he pleased, whilst I +felt, no more than the dead, what he was about, till the pain he put me to +roused me just in time enough to be witness of a triumph I was not able to +defeat, and now scarce regretted: for as he talked, the tone of his voice +sounded, methought, so sweetly in my ears, the sensible nearness of so new and +interesting an object to me, wrought so powerfully upon me, that, in the rising +perception of things in a new and pleasing light, I lost all sense of the past +injury. The young gentleman soon discerned the symptoms of a reconciliation in +my softened looks, and hastening to receive the seal of it from my lips, +pressed them tenderly to pass his pardon in the return of a kiss so melting +fiery, that the impression of it being carried to my heart, and thence to my +new discovered sphere of Venus, I was melted into a softness that could refuse +him nothing. When now he managed his caresses and endearments so artfully, as +to insinuate the most soothing consolations for the past pain and the most +pleasing expectations of future pleasure, but whilst mere modesty kept my eyes +from seeing his and rather declined them, I had a glimpse of that instrument of +mischief which was now, obviously even to me, who had scarce had snatches of a +comparative observation of it, resuming its capacity to renew it, and grew +greatly alarming with its increase of size, as he bore it no doubt designedly, +hard and stiff against one of my hands carelessly dropt; but then he employed +such tender prefacing, such winning progressions, that my returning passion of +desire being now so strongly prompted by the engaging circumstances of the +sight and incendiary touch of his naked glowing beauties, I yield at length at +the force of the present impressions, and he obtained of my tacit blushing +consent all the gratifications of pleasure left in the power of my poor person +to bestow, after he had cropt its richest flower, during my suspension of life, +and abilities to guard it. +</p> + +<p> +“Here, according to the rule laid down, I should stop; but I am so much +in notion, that I could not if I would. I shall only add, however, that I got +home without the least discovery, or suspicion of what had happened. I met my +young ravisher several times after, whom I now passionately loved and who, +though not of age to claim a small but independent fortune, would have married +me; but as the accident that prevented it, and its consequences, which threw me +on the public, contain matters too moving and serious to introduce at present, +I cut short here.” +</p> + +<p> +Louisa, the brunette whom I mentioned at first, now took her turn to treat the +company with her history. I have already hinted to you the graces of her +person, than which nothing could be more exquisitely touching; I repeat +touching, as a just distinction from striking, which is ever a less lasting +effect, and more generally belongs to the fair complexions; but leaving that +decision to every one’s taste, I proceed to give you Louisa’s +narrative as follows: +</p> + +<p> +“According to practical maxims of life, I ought to boast of my birth, +since I owe it to pure love, without marriage; but this I know, it was scarce +possible to inherit a stronger propensity to that cause of my being than I did. +I was the rare production of the first essay of a journeyman cabinet-maker, on +his master’s maid: the consequence of which was a big belly, and the loss +of a place. He was not in circumstances to do much for her; and yet, after all +this blemish, she found means, after she had dropt her burthen, and disposed of +me to a poor relation in the country, to repair it by marrying a pastry-cook +here in London, in thriving business; on whom she soon, under favour of the +complete ascendant he had given her over him, passed me for a child she had by +her first husband. I had, on that footing, been taken home, and was not six +years old when this father-in-law died, and left my mother in tolerable +circumstances, and without any children by him. As to my natural father, he had +betaken himself to the sea; where, when the truth of things came out, I was +told that he died, not immensely rich you may think, since he was no more than +a common sailor. As I grew up, under the eyes of my mother, who kept on the +business, I could not but see, in her severe watchfulness, the marks of a slip, +which she did not care should be hereditary; but we no more choose our passions +than our features or complexions, and the bent of mine was so strong to the +forbidden pleasure, that it got the better, at length, of all her care and +precaution. I was scarce twelve years old, before that part which she wanted so +much to keep out of harm’s way, made me feel its impatience to be taken +notice of, and come into play; already had it put forth the signs of +forwardness in the sprout of a soft down over it, which had often fluttered, +and I might also say, grown under my constant touch and visitation, so pleased +was I with what I took to be a kind of title to womanhood, that state I pined +to be entered of, for the pleasures I conceived were annexed to it; and now the +growing importance of that part to me, and the new sensations in it, demolished +at once all my girlish play-things and amusements. Nature now pointed me +strongly to more solid diversions, while all the stings of desire settled so +fiercely in that little centre of them, that I could not mistake the spot I +wanted a playfellow in. +</p> + +<p> +“I now shunned all company in which there was no hopes of coming at the +object of my longings, and used to shut myself up, to indulge in solitude some +tender meditation on the pleasure I strongly perceived the overture of, in +feeling and examining what nature assured me must be the chosen avenue, the +gates for unknown bliss to enter at, that I panted after. +</p> + +<p> +“But these meditations only increased my disorder, and blew the fire that +consumed me. I was yet worse when, yielding at length to the insupportable +irritations of the little fairy charm that tormented me, I seized it with my +fingers, teazing it to no end. Sometimes, in the furious excitations of desire, +I threw myself on the bed, spread my thighs abroad, and lay as it were +expecting the longed-for relief, till finding my illusion, I shut and squeezed +them together again, burning and fretting. In short, this develish thing, with +its impetuous girds and itching fires, led me such a life, that I could +neither, night or day, be at peace with it or myself. In time, however, I +thought I had gained a prodigious prize, when figuring to myself that my +fingers were something of the shape of what I pined for, I worked my way in +with one of them with great agitation and delight; yet not without pain too did +I deflower myself as far as it could reach; proceeding with such a fury of +passion, in this solitary and last shift of pleasure, as extended me at length +breathless on the bed in an amorous melting trance. +</p> + +<p> +“But frequency of use dulling the sensation, I soon began to perceive +that this work was but a paultry shallow expedient, that went but a little way +to relieve me, and rather raised more flame than its dry and insignificant +titillation could rightly appease. +</p> + +<p> +“Man alone, I almost instinctively knew, as well as by what I had +industriously picked up at weddings and christenings, was possessed of the only +remedy that could reduce this rebellious disorder; but watched and overlooked +as I was, how to come at it was the point, and that, to all appearance, an +invincible one; not that I did not rack my brains and invention how at once to +elude my mothers vigilance, and procure myself the satisfaction of my impetuous +curiosity and longings for this mighty and untasted pleasure. At length, +however, a singular chance did at once the work of a long course of alertness. +One day that we had dined at an acquaintance over the way, together with a +gentlewoman-lodger that occupied the first floor of our house, there started an +indispensable necessity for my mother’s going down to Greenwich to +accompany her: the party was settled, when I do not know what genius whispered +me to plead a headache, which I certainly had not, against my being included in +a jaunt that I had not the least relish for. The pretext, however, passed, and +my mother, with much reluctance, prevailed with herself to go without me; but +took particular care to see me safe home, where she consigned me into the hands +of an old trusty maidservants, who served in the shop, for we had not a male +creature in the house. +</p> + +<p> +“As soon as she was gone, I told the maid I would go up and lie down on +our lodger’s bed, mine not being made, with a charge to her at the same +time not to disturb me, as it was only rest I wanted. This injunction probably +proved of eminent service to me. As soon as I was got into the bedchamber, I +unlaced my stays, and threw myself on the outside of the bedclothes, in all the +loosest undress. Here I gave myself up to the old insipid privy shifts of my +self-viewing, self-touching self-enjoying, in fine, to all the means of self +knowledge I could devise, in search of the pleasure that fled before me, and +tantalized with that unknown something that was out of my reach; thus all only +served to enflame myself, and to provoke violently my desires, whilst the one +thing needful to their satisfaction was not at hand, and I could have bit my +finger for representing it so ill. After then wearying and fatiguing myself +with grasping shadows, whilst that most sensible part of me disdained to +content itself with less than realities, the strong yearnings, the urgent +struggles of nature towards the melting relief, and the extreme self-agitations +I had used to come at it, had wearied and thrown me into a kind of unquiet +sleep: for, if I tossed and threw about my limbs in proportion to the +distraction of my dreams, as I had reason to believe I did, a bystander could +not have helped seeing all for love. And one there was it seems; for waking out +of my very short slumber, I found my hand locked in that of a young man, who +was kneeling at my bed-side, and begging my pardon for his boldness: but that +being a son to the lady to whom, this bed-chamber, he knew, belonged, he had +slipped by the servant of the shop, as he supposed, unperceived, when finding +me asleep, his first ideas were to withdraw; but that he had been fixed and +detained there by a power he could better account for, than resist. +</p> + +<p> +“What shall I say? my emotions of fear and surprise were instantly +subdued by those of the pleasure I bespoke in great presence of mind from the +turn this adventure might take. He seemed to me no other than a pitying angel, +dropt out of the clouds: for he was young and perfectly handsome, which was +more than even I had asked for, man, in general, being all that my utmost +desires had pointed at. I thought then I could not put too much encouragement +into my eyes and voice; I regretted no leading advances; no matter for his +after-opinion of my forwardness, so it might bring him to the point of +answering my pressing demands of present case; it was not now with his thoughts +but his actions that my business immediately lay. I raised then my head, and +told him, in a soft tone, that tended to prescribe the same key to him, that +his mamma was gone out and would not return till late at night: which I thought +no bad hint; but as it proved, I had nothing of a novice to deal with. The +impressions I had made on him from the discoveries I had betrayed of my person +in the disordered motions of it, during his view of me asleep, had, as he +afterwards told me, so fixed and charmingly prepared him, that, had I known his +dispositions, I had more to hope from his violence, than to fear from his +respect; and even less than the extreme tenderness which I threw into my voice +and eyes, would have served to encourage him to make the most of the +opportunity. Finding then that his kisses, imprinted on my hand, were taken as +tamely as he could wish, he rose to my lips; and glewing his to them, made me +so faint with overcoming joy and pleasure, that I fell back, and he with me, in +course, on the bed, upon which I had, by insensibly shifting from the side to +near the middle, invitingly, made room for him. He is now lain down by me, and +the minutes being too precious to consume in ultimate ceremony, or dalliance, +my youth proceeds immediately to those extremities, which all my looks, humming +and palpitations, had assured him he might attempt without the fear of a +repulse: those rogues the men, read us admirably on these occasions. I lay then +at length panting for the imminent attack, with wishes far beyond my fears, and +for which it was scarce possible for a girl, barely thirteen, but tall and well +grown, to have better dispositions. He threw up my petticoat and shift, whilst +my thighs were, by an instinct of nature, unfolded to their best; and my +desires had so thoroughly destroyed all modesty in me, that even their being +now naked and all laid open to him, was part of the prelude that pleasure +deepened my blushes at, more than same. But when his hand, and touches, +naturally attracted to their center, made me feel all their wantonness and +warmth in, and round it, oh! how immensely different a sense of things, did I +perceive there, than when under my own insipid handling! And now his waistcoat +was unbuttoned, and the confinement of the breeches burst through, when out +started to view the amazing, pleasing object of all my wishes, all my dreams, +all my love, the king member indeed! I gazed at, I devoured it, at length and +breadth, with my eyes intently directed to it, till his; getting upon me, and +placing between my thighs, took from me the enjoyment of its sight, to give me +a far more grateful one, in its touch, in that part where its touch is so +exquisitely affecting. Applying it then to the minute opening, for such at that +age it certainly was, I met with too much good will, I felt with too great a +rapture of pleasure the first insertion of it, to heed much the pain that +followed: I thought nothing too dear to pay for this the richest treat of the +sense; so that, split up, torn, bleeding, mangled I was still superiorly +pleased, and hugged the author of all this delicious ruin. But when, soon +after, he made his second attack, sore as every thing was, the smart was soon +put away by the sovereign cordial; all my soft complainings were silenced, and +the pain melting fast away into pleasure. I abandoned myself over to all its +transports, and gave it the full possession of my whole body and soul; for now +all thought was at an end with me; I lived in what I felt only. And who could +describe those feelings, those agitations, yet exalted by the charm of their +novelty and surprise? when that part of me which had so hungered for the dear +morsel that now so delightfully crammed, forced all my vital sensations to fix +their home there, during the stay of my beloved guest; who too soon paid me for +his hearty welcome, in a dissolvent, richer far than that I have heard of some +queen treating her paramour with, in liquified pearl, and ravishingly poured +into me, where, now myself too much melted to give it a dry reception, I hailed +it with the warmest confluence on my side, amidst all those ecstatic raptures, +not unfamiliar I presume to this good company. Thus, however, I arrived at the +very top of all my wishes, by an accident unexpected indeed, but not so +wonderful; for this young gentleman was just arrived in town from college, and +came familiarly to his mother at her apartment, where he had once before been, +though, by mere chance. I had not seen him: so that we knew one another by +hearing only; and finding me stretched on his mother’s bed, he readily +concluded from her description, who it was. The rest you know. +</p> + +<p> +“This affair had however no ruinous consequences, the young gentleman +escaping then, and many more times undiscovered. But the warmth of my +constitution, that made the pleasures of love a kind of necessary of life to +me, having betrayed me into indiscretions fatal to my private fortune, I fell +at length to the public; from which, it is probable, I might have met with the +worst of ruin, if my better fate had not thrown me into this safe and agreeable +refuge.” +</p> + +<p> +Here Louisa ended; and these little histories having brought the time for the +girls to retire, and to prepare for the revels of the evening, I staid with +Mrs. Cole, till Emily came, and told us the company was met, and waited for us. +</p> + +<p> +Mrs. Cole on this, taking me by the hand, with a smile of encouragement, led me +up stairs, preceded by Louisa, who was come to hasten us, and lighted us with +two candles, one in each hand. +</p> + +<p> +On the landing-place of the first pair of stairs, we were met by a young +gentleman, extremely well dressed, and a very pretty figure, to whom I was to +be indebted for the first essay of the pleasures of the house. He saluted me +with great gallantry, and handed me into the drawing room, the floor of which +was overspread with a Turkey carpet, and all its furniture voluptuously adapted +to every demand of the most studied luxury; now too it was, by means of a +profuse illumination, enlivened by a light scarce inferior, and perhaps more +favourable to joy, more tenderly pleasing, than that of broad sunshine. +</p> + +<p> +On my entrance into the room, I had the satisfaction! to hear a buzz of +approbation run through the whole company, which now consisted of four +gentlemen, including my particular (this was the cant term of the house for +one’s gallant for the time), the three young-women, in a neat flowing +dishabille, the mistress of the academy, and myself. I was welcomed and saluted +by a kiss all round, in which, however, it was easy to discover, in the +superior warmth of that of the men, the distinction of the sexes. +</p> + +<p> +Awed, and confounded as I was, at seeing myself surrounded, caressed, and made +court to by so many strangers, I could not immediately familiarize myself to +all that air of gaiety and joy, which dictated their compliments, and animated +their caresses. +</p> + +<p> +They assured me that I was so perfectly to their taste, as to have but one +fault against me, which I might easily be cured of, and that was my modesty: +this, they observed, might pass for a beauty the more with those who wanted it +for a heightener; but their maxim was, that it was an impertinent mixture, and +dashed the cup so as to spoil the sincere draught of pleasure; they considered +it accordingly as their mortal enemy, and gave it no quarter wherever they met +with it. This was a prologue not unworthy of the revels that ensued. +</p> + +<p> +In the midst of all the frolic and wantonness, which this joyous band had +presently, and all naturally, run into, an elegant supper was served in, and we +sat down to it, my spark elect placing himself next to me, and the other +couples without order or ceremony. The delicate cheer and good wine soon +banished all reserve; the conversation grew as lively as could be wished, +without taking too loose a turn: these professors of pleasure knew too well, +how to stale impressions of it, or evaporate the imagination of words, before +the time of action. Kisses however were snatched at times, or where a +handkerchief round the neck interposed its feeble barrier, it was not extremely +respected: the hands of the men went to work with their usual petulance, till +the provocation on both sides rose to such a pitch, that my particulars’s +proposal for beginning the country dances was received with instant assent: +for, as he laughingly added, he fancied the instruments were in tune. This was +a signal for preparation, that the complaisant Mrs. Cole, who understood life, +took for her cue of disappearing; no longer so fit for personal service +herself, and content with having settled the order of battle, she left us the +field, to fight it out at discretion. +</p> + +<p> +As soon as she was gone, the table was removed from the middle, and became a +side-board; a couch was brought into its place, of which when I whisperingly +inquired the reason, of my particular, he told me, “that as it was +chiefly on my account that his convention was met, the parties intended at once +to humour their taste of variety in pleasures, and by an open public enjoyment, +to see me broke of any taint of reserve or modesty, which they looked on as the +poison of joy; that though they occasionally preached pleasure, and lived up to +the text, they did not enthusiastically set up for missionaries, and only +indulged themselves in the delights of a practical instruction of all the +pretty women they liked well enough to bestow it upon, and who fell properly in +the way of it; but that as such a proposal might be too violent, too shocking +for a young beginner, the old standers were to set an example, which he hoped I +would not be averse to follow, since it was to him I was devolved in favour of +the first experiment; but that still I was perfectly at my liberty to refuse +the party, which being in its nature one of pleasure, supposed an exclusion of +all force or constraint.” +</p> + +<p> +My countenance expressed, no doubt, my surprise as my silence did my +acquiescence. I was now embarked, and thoroughly determined on any voyage the +company would take me on. +</p> + +<p> +The first that stood up, to open the ball, were a cornet of horse, and that +sweetest of olive-beauties, the soft and amorous Louisa. He led her to the +couch (nothing loth), on which he gave her the fall, and extended her at length +with an air of roughness and vigour, relishing high of amorous eagerness and +impatience. The girl, spreading herself to the best advantage, with her head +upon the pillow, was so concentered in that she was about, that our presence +was the least of her care and concern. Her petticoats, thrown up with her +shift, discovered to the company the finest turned legs and thighs that could +be imagined, and in broad display, that gave us a full view of that delicious +cleft of flesh, into which the pleasing hair, grown mount over it, parted and +presented a most inviting entrance, between two close hedges, delicately soft +and pouting. Her gallant was now ready, having disencumbered himself from his +clothes, overloaded with lace, and presently, his shirt removed, shewed us his +forces at high plight, bandied and ready for action. But giving us no time to +consider the dimensions, he threw himself instantly over his charming +antagonist who received him as he pushed at once dead at mark, like a heroine, +without flinching; for surely never was girl constitutionally truer to the +taste of joy, or sincerer in the expressions of its sensations, than she was: +we could observe pleasure lighten in her eyes, as he introduced his +plenipotentiary instrument into her; till, at length, having indulged her to +its utmost reach, its irritations grew so violent, and gave her the spurs so +furiously, that collected within herself, and lost to every thing but the +enjoyment of her favourite feelings, she retarded his thrusts with a just +concert of spring heaves, keeping time so exactly with the most pathetic sighs, +that one might have numbered the strokes in agitation by their distinct +murmurs, whilst her active limbs kept wreathing and intertwisting with his, in +convulsive folds: then the turtle-billing kisses, and the poignant painless +lovebites, which they both exchanged, in a rage of delight, all conspiring +towards the melting period. It soon came on, when Louisa, in the ravings of her +pleasure-frensy, impotent of all restraint, cried out: “Oh Sir!... Good +Sir! pray do not spare me! ah! ah!...” All her accents now faultering +into heart-fetched sighs, she closed her eyes in the sweet death, in the +instant of which we could easily see the signs in the quiet, dying, languid +posture of her late so furious driver, who was stopped of a sudden, breathing +short, panting, and, for that time, giving up the spirit of pleasure. As soon +as he was dismounted, Louisa sprung up, shook her petticoats, and running up to +me, gave me a kiss, and drew me to the side-board, to which she was herself +handed by her gallant, where they made me pledge them in a glass of wine, and +toast a droll health of Louisa’s proposal in high frolic. +</p> + +<p> +By this time the second couple was ready to enter the lists: which were a young +baronet, and that delicatest of charmers, the winning, tender Harriet. My +gentle esquire came to acquaint me with it, and brought me back to the scene of +action. +</p> + +<p> +And, surely, never did one of her profession accompany her dispositions, for +the barefaced part she was engaged to play, with such a peculiar grace of +sweetness, modesty and yielding coyness, as she did. All her air and motions +breathed only unreserved, unlimited complaisance without the least mixture of +impudence, or prostitution. But what was yet more surprising, her spark elect, +in the midst of the dissolution of a public open enjoyment, doated on her to +distraction, and had, by dint of love and sentiments, touched her heart, though +for a while the restraint of their engagement to the house laid him under a +kind of necessity of complying with an institution which himself had had the +greatest share establishing. +</p> + +<p> +Harriet was then led to the vacant couch by her gallant, blushing as she looked +at me, and with eyes made to justify any thing, tenderly bespeaking of me the +most favourable construction of the step she was thus irresistibly drawn into. +</p> + +<p> +Her lover, for such he was, sat her down at the foot of the couch, and passing +his arm round her neck, preluded with a kiss fervently applied to her lips, +that visibly gave her life and spirit to go through with the scene; and as he +kissed, he gently inclined her head, till it fell back on a pillow disposed to +receive it, and leaning himself down all the way with her, at once countenanced +and endeared her fall to her. There, as if he had guessed our wishes, or meant +to gratify at once his pleasure and his pride, in being the master, by the +title of present possession, of beauties delicate beyond imagination, he +discovered her breast to his own touch, and our common view; but oh! what +delicious manual of love devotion; how inimitable fine moulded! small, round, +firm, and excellently white; then the grain of their skin, so soothing, so +flattering to the touch! and of beauty. When he had feasted his eyes with the +their nipples, that crowned them, the sweetest buds touch and perusal, feasted +his lips with kisses of the highest relish, imprinted on those all delicious +twin-orbs, he proceeded downwards. +</p> + +<p> +Her legs still kept the ground; and now, with the tenderest attention not to +shock or alarm her too suddenly, he, by degrees, rather stole than rolled up +her petticoats; at which, as if a signal had been given, Louisa and Emily took +hold of her legs, in pure wantonness, and, in ease to her, kept them stretched +wide abroad. Then lay exposed, or, to speak more properly, displayed the +greatest parade in nature of female charms. The whole company, who, except +myself, had often seen them, seemed as much dazzled, surprised and delighted, +as any one could be who had now beheld them for the first time. Beauties so +excessive could not but enjoy the privileges of eternal novelty. Her thighs +were so exquisitely fashioned, that either more in, or more out of flesh than +they were, they would have declined from that point of perfection they +presented. But what infinitely enriched and adorned them, was the sweet +intersection formed, where they met, at the bottom of the smoothest, roundest, +whitest belly, by that central furrow which nature had sunk there, between the +soft relievo of two pouting ridges, and which, in this girl, was in perfect +symmetry of delicacy and miniature with the rest of her frame. No! nothing in +nature could be of a beautifuller cut; then, the dark umbrage of the downy +spring moss that over-arched it, bestowed, on the luxury of the landscape, a +touching warmth, a tender finishing, beyond the expression of words, or even +the paint of thought. +</p> + +<p> +Her truly enamoured gallant, who had stood absorbed and engrossed by the +pleasure of the sight long enough to afford us time to feast ours (no fear of +glutting!) addressed himself at length to the materials of enjoyment, and +lifting the linen veil that hung between us and his master member of the +revels, exhibited one whose eminent size proclaimed the owner a true +woman’s hero. He was, besides in every other respect, an accomplished +gentleman, and in the bloom and vigour of youth. Standing then between +Harriet’s legs, which were supported by her two companions at their +widest extension, with one hand he gently disclosed the lips of that luscious +mouth of nature, whilst with the other, he stooped his mighty machine to its +lure, from the height of his stiff stand-up towards his belly; the lips, kept +open by his fingers, received its broad shelving head of coral hue: and when he +had nestled it in, he hovered there a little, and the girls then delivered over +to his hips the agreeable office of supporting her thighs; and now, as if he +meant to spin out his pleasure, and give it the more play for its life, he +passed up his instrument so slow that we lost sight of it inch by inch, till at +length it was wholly taken into the soft laboratory of love, and the mossy +mounts of each fairly met together. In the mean time, we could plainly mark the +prodigious effect the progressions of this delightful energy wrought in this +delicious girl, gradually heightening her beauty as they heightened her +pleasure. Her countenance and whole frame grew more animated; the faint blush +of her cheeks, gaining ground on the white, deepened into a florid vivid +vermillion glow, her naturally brilliant eyes now sparkled with ten-fold +lustre; her languor was vanished, and she appeared quick, spirited and alive +all over. He had now fixed, nailed, this tender creature, with his home-driven +wedge, so that she lay passive by force, and unable to stir, till beginning to +play a strain of arms against this vein of delicacy, as he urged the to-and-fro +con-friction, he awakened, roused, and touched her so to the heart, that unable +to contain herself, she could not but reply to his motions, as briskly as her +nicety of frame would admit of, till the raging stings of the pleasure rising +towards the point, made her wild with the intolerable sensations of it, and she +now threw her legs and arms about at random, as she lay lost in the sweet +transport; which on his side declared itself by quicker, eager thrusts, +convulsive gasps, burning sighs, swift laborious breathing, eyes darting humid +fires: all faithful tokens of the imminent approaches of the last gasp of joy. +It came on at length: the baronet led the extasy, which she critically joined +in, as she felt the melting symptoms from him, in the nick of which, gluing +more ardently than ever his lips to hers, he shewed all the signs of that agony +of bliss being strong upon him, in which he gave her the finishing titillation; +inly thrilled with which, we saw plainly that she answered it down with all +effusion of spirit and matter she was mistress of, whilst a general soft +shudder ran through all her limbs, which she gave a stretch out, and lay +motionless, breathless, dying with dear delight; and in the height of its +expression, showing, through the nearly closed lids of her eyes, just the edges +of their black, the rest being rolled strongly upwards in their extasy; then +her sweet mouth appeared languishingly open, with the tip of her tongue +leaning negligently towards the lower range of her white teeth, whilst natural +ruby colour of her lips glowed with heightened life. Was not this a subject to +dwell upon? And accordingly her lover still kept on her, with an abiding +delectation, till compressed, squeezed and distilled to the last drop, he took +leave with one fervent kiss, expressing satisfied desires, but unextinguished +love. +</p> + +<p> +As soon as he was off, I ran to her, and sitting down on the couch by her, +rais’d her head, which she declined gently, and hung on my bosom, to hide +her blushes and confusion at what had passed, till by degrees she re-composed +herself, and accepted of a restorative glass of wine from my spark, who had +left me to fetch it to her, whilst her own was readjusting his affaire and +buttoning up; after which he led her, leaning languishingly upon him, to oar +stand of view round the couch. +</p> + +<p> +And now Emily’s partner had taken her out for her share in the dance, +when this transcendently fair and sweet tempered creature readily stood up; and +if a complexion to put the rose and lily out of countenance, extreme pretty +features, and that florid health and bloom for which the country girls are so +lovely, might pass her for a beauty, this she certainly was, and one of the +most striking of the fair ones. +</p> + +<p> +Her gallant began first, as she stood, to disengage, her breasts, and restore +them to the liberty of nature, from the easy confinement of no more than a pair +of jumps; but on their coming out to view, we thought a new light was added to +the room, so superiourly shining was their whiteness; then they rose in so +happy a swell as to compose her a well horned fullness of bosom, that had such +an effect on the eye as to seem flash hardened into marble, of which it +emulated the polished gloss, and far surpassed even the whitest, in the life +and lustre of its colours, white weined with blue. Who could refrain from such +provoking enticements in reach? he touched her breasts, first lightly, when the +glossy smoothness of the skin eluded his hand, and made it slip along the +surface; he pressed them, and the springy flesh that filled them, thus pitted +by force, rose again reboundingly with his hand, and on the instant defaced the +pressure: and alike indeed was the consistence of all those parts of her body +throughout, where the fulness of flesh compacts and constitutes all that fine +firmness which the touch is so highly attached to. When he had thus largely +pleased himself with this branch of dalliance and delight, he trussed up her +petticoat and shift, in a wisp to her waist, where being tucked in, she stood +fairly naked on every side; a blush at this overspread her lovely face, and her +eyes downcast to the ground, seemed to be for quarter, when she had so great a +right to triumph in all the treasures of youth and beauty that she now so +victoriously displayed. Her legs were perfectly well shaped and her thighs, +which she kept pretty close, shewed so white, so round, so substantial and +abounding in firm flesh, that nothing could afford a stronger recommendation to +the luxury of the touch, which he accordingly did not fail to indulge in. Then +gently removing her hand, which in the first emotion of natural modesty, she +had carried thither, he gave us rather a glimpse than a view of that soft +narrow chink running its little length downwards, and hiding the remains of it +between her thighs; but plain was to be seen the fringe of light-brown curls, +in beauteous growth over it, that with their silk gloss created a pleasing +variety from the surrounding white, whose lustre too, their gentle embrowning +shade, considerably raised. Her spark then endeavoured, as she stood, by +disclosing her thighs, to gain us a completer sight of that central charm of +attraction, but not obtaining it so conveniently in that attitude, he led her +to the foot of the couch, and bringing it to one of the pillows gently inclined +her head down, so that as she leaned with it over her crossed hands, straddling +with her thighs wide spread, and jutting her body out, she presented a full +back view of her person, naked to her waist. Her posteriors, plump, smooth, and +prominent, formed luxuriant tracts of animated snow, that splendidly filled the +eye, till it was commanded down the parting or separation of those exquisitely +white cliffs, by their narrow vale, and was there stopt, and attracted by the +embowered bottom-savity, that terminated this delightful vista and stood +moderately gaping from the influence of her bended posture, so that the +agreeable interior red of the sides of the orifice came into view, and with +respect to the white that dazzled round it, gave somewhat the idea of a pink +slash in the glossiest white satin. Her gallant, who was a gentleman about +thirty, somewhat inclined to a fatness that was in no sort displeasing, +improving the hint thus tendered him of this mode of enjoyment, after setting +her well in this posture, and encouraging her with kisses and caresses to stand +him thro’, drew out his affair ready erected, and whose extreme length, +rather disproportioned to its breadth, was the more surprising, as that excess +is not often the case with those of his corpulent habit; making then the right +and direct application, he drove it up to the guard, whilst the round bulge of +those Turkish beauties of her’s, tallying with the hollow made with the +bent of his belly and thighs, as he curved inwards, brought all those parts, +surely not un-delightfully, into warm touch, and close conjunction; his hands +he kept passing round her body, and employed in toying with her enchanting +breasts. As soon too as she felt him at home as he could reach, she lifted her +head a little from the pillow, and turning her neck, without much straining, +but her cheeks glowing with the deepest scarlet, and a smile of the tenderest +satisfaction, met the kiss he pressed forward to give her as they were thus +close joined together: when leaving him to pursue his delights, she hid again +her face and blushes with her hands and pillow, and thus stood passively and as +favourably too as she could, whilst he kept laying at her with repeated thrusts +and making the meeting flesh on both sides resound again with the violence of +them; then ever as he backened from her, we could see between them part of his +long white staff foamingly in motion, till, as he went on again and closed with +her, the interposing hillocks took it out of sight. Sometimes he took his hands +from the semi-globes of her bosom, and transferred the pressure of them to +those large ones, the present subjects of his soft blockade, which he squeezed, +grasped and played with, till at length in pursuit of driving, so hotly urged, +brought on the height of the fit, with such overpowering pleasure, that his +fair partner became now necessary to support him, panting, fainting and dying +as he discharged; which she no sooner felt the killing sweetness of, than +unable to keep her legs, and yielding to the mighty intoxication, she reeld, +and falling forward on the couch, made it a necessity for him, if he would +preserve the warm-pleasure hold, to fall upon her, where they perfected, in a +continued conjunction of body and ecstatic flow, their scheme of joys for that +time. +</p> + +<p> +As soon as he had disengaged, the charming Emily got up, and we crowded round +her with congratulations and other officious little services; for it is to be +noted, that though all modesty and reserve were banished from the transaction +of these pleasures, good manners and politeness were inviolably observed: there +was no gross ribaldry, no offensive or rude behaviour, or ungenerous reproaches +to the girls for their compliance with the humours and desires of the men. On +the contrary, nothing was wanting to soothe, encourage, and soften the sense of +their condition to them. Men know not in general how much they destroy of their +own pleasure, when they break through the respect and tenderness due to our +sex, and even to those of it who live only by pleasing them. And this was a +maxim perfectly well understood by these polite voluptuaries, these profound +adepts in the great art and science of pleasure, who never shewed these +votaries of theirs a more tender respect than at the time of those exercises of +their complaisance, when they unlocked their treasures of concealed beauty, and +shewed out in the pride of their native charms, ever more touching surely than +when they parade it in the artificial ones of dress and ornament. +</p> + +<p> +The frolic was now come round to me, and it being my turn of subscription to +the will and pleasure of my particular elect, as well as to that of the +company, he came to me, and saluting me very tenderly, with a flattering +eagerness, put me in mind of the compliances my presence there authorized the +hopes of, and at the same time repeated to me, “that if all this force of +example had not surmounted any repugnance I might have to concur with the +humours and desires of the company, that though the play was bespoke for my +benefit, and great as his own private disappointment might be, he would suffer +any thing, sooner than be the instrument of imposing a disagreeable +task.” +</p> + +<p> +To this I answered, without the least hesitation, or mincing grimace, +“that had I not even contracted a kind of engagement to be at his +disposal without the least reserve, the example of such agreeable companions +would alone determine me, and that I was in no pain about any thing but my +appearing to so great a disadvantage after such superior beauties.” And +take notice that I thought, as I spoke. The frankness of the answer pleased +them all; my particular was complimented on his acquisition, and, by way of +indirect flattery to me, openly envied me. +</p> + +<p> +Mrs. Cole, by the way, could not have given me a greater mark of her regard +than in managing for me the choice of this young gentleman for my master of the +ceremonies: for, independent of his noble birth and the great fortune he was +heir to, his person was even uncommonly pleasing, well shaped and tall; his +face marked with the small-pox, but no more than what added a grace of more +manliness to features rather turned to softness and delicacy, was marvellously +enlivened by eyes which were of the clearest sparkling black; in short he was +one whom any woman would, in the familiar style, ready call a very pretty +fellow. +</p> + +<p> +I was now handed by him to the cockpit of our match, where, as I was dressed in +nothing but a white morning gown, he vouchsafed to play the male Abigail on +this occasion, and spared me the confusion that would have attended the +forwardness of undressing myself: my gown then was loosen’d in a trice, +and I divested of it; my stays next offered an obstacle which readily gave way, +Louisa very readily furnished a pair of scissors to cut the lace; off went that +shell and dropping my uppercoat, I was reduced to my under one and my shift, +the open bosom of which gave the hands and eyes all the liberty they could +wish. Here I imagined the stripping was to stop, but I reckon short; my spark, +at the desire of the rest, tenderly begged, that I would not suffer the small +remains of a covering to rob them of a full view of my whole person; and for +me, who was too flexibly obsequious to dispute any point with them, and who +considered the little more that remained as very immaterial, I readily assented +to whatever he pleased-In an instant, then, my under petticoat was untied and +at my feet, and my shift drawn over my head, so that my cap, slightly fastened, +came off with it, and brought all my hair down (of which, be it again +remembered without vanity, that I had a very fine head) in loose disorderly +ringlets, over my neck and shoulders, to the no unfavourable set-off of my +skin. +</p> + +<p> +I now stood before my judges in all the truth of nature, to whom I could not +appear a very disagreeable figure, if you please to recollect what I have +beforesaid of my person, which time, that at certain periods of life robs use +every instant of our charms, had, at that of mine, then greatly improved into +full and open, bloom, for I wanted some months of eighteen. My breasts, which +in the state of nudity are ever capital points, now in no more than in graceful +plenitude, maintained a firmness and steady independence of any stay or +support, that dared and invited the test of the touch. Then I was as tall, as +slim-shaped as could be consistent with all that juicy plumpness of flesh, ever +the most grateful to the senses of sight and touch, which I owed to the health +and youth of my constitution. I had not, however, so thoroughly renounced all +innate shame, as not to suffer great confusion at the state I saw myself in; +but the whole troop round me, men and women, relieved me with every mark of +applause and satisfaction, even flattering attention to raise and inspire me +with even sentiments of pride on the figure I made, which my friend gallantly +protested, infinitely outshone all other birthday finery whatever; so that had +I leave to set down, for sincere, all the compliments these connoisseurs +overwhelmed me with upon this occasion, I might flatter myself with having +passed my examination with the approbation of the learned. +</p> + +<p> +My friend, however, who for this time had alone the disposal of me, humoured +their curiosity, and perhaps his own, so far, that he placed me in all the +variety of postures and lights imaginable, pointing out every beauty under +every aspect of it, not without such parentheses, of kisses, such inflammatory +liberties of his roving hands, as made all shame fly before them, and a +blushing glow give place to a warmer one of desire, which led me even to find +some relish in the present scene. +</p> + +<p> +But in this general survey, you may be sure, the most material spot of me was +not excused the strictest visitation; nor was it but agreed, that I had not the +least reason to be diffident of passing even for a maid, on occasion; so +inconsiderable a flaw had my preceding adventures created there, and so soon +had the blemish of an over-stretch been repaired and worn out at any age, and +in my naturally small make in that part. +</p> + +<p> +Now, whether my partner had exhausted all the modes of regaling the touch or +sight, or whether he was now ungovernably wound up to strike, I know not; but +briskly throwing off his clothes, the prodigious heat bred by a close room, a +great fire, numerous candles, and even the inflammatory warmth of these scenes, +induced him to lay aside his shirt too, when his breeches, before loosened, now +gave up their contents to view, and shew’d in front the enemy I had to +engage with, stiffly bearing up the port of its head unhooded, and glowing red. +Then I plainly saw what I had to trust to: it was one of those just true-sized +instruments, of which the masters have a better command than the more unwieldy, +inordinate sized one are generally under. Straining me then close to his bosom, +as he stood up foreright against me, and applying to the obvious niche its +peculiar idol, he aimed at inserting it, which, as I forwardly favoured, he +effected at once, by canting up my thighs over his naked hips, and made me +receive every inch, and close home; so-that stuck upon the pleasure-pivot, add +clinging round his neck, in which and in his hair I hid my face, burn-ingly +flushing with present feeling as much as with shame, my bosom glued to him; he +carried me once round the couch, on which he then, without quitting the +middle-fastness, or dischannelling, laid me down, and began with +pleasure-grist. But so provokingly predisposed and primed as we were, by all +the moving sights of the night, our imagination was too much heated not to melt +us of the soonest; and accordingly I no sooner felt the warm spray darted up my +inwards from him, but I was punctually on flow, to share the momentary extasy; +but I had yet greater reason to boast of our harmony: for finding that all the +flames of desire were not yet quenched within me, but that rather, like wetted +coals, I glowed the fiercer for this sprinkling, my hot-mettled spark, +sympathizing with me, and loaded for a double fire, recontinued the sweet +battery with undying vigour; greatly encouraged to accommodate all my motions +to his best advantage and delight; kisses, squeezes, tender murmurs, all came +into play, till our joys growing more turbulent and riotous, threw us into a +fond disorder, and as they raged to a point, bore us far from our selves into +an ocean of boundless pleasures, into which we both plunged together in a +transport of taste. Now all the impressions of burning desire, from the lively +scenes I had been spectatress of, ripened the heat of this exercise, and +collecting to a head, throbbed and agitated me with insupportable irritations: +I perfectly fevered and maddened with their excess. I bid not now enjoy a calm +of reason enough to perceive, but I ecstatically, indeed, felt the power of such +rare and exquisite provocatives, as the examples of the night had proved +towards thus exalting our pleasures: which, with great joy, I sensibly found my +gallant shared in, by his nervous and home expressions of it: his eyes flashing +eloquent flames, his action infuriated with the stings of it, all conspiring to +raise my delight, by assuring me of his. Lifted then to the utmost pitch of joy +that human life can bear, undestroyed by excess, I touched that sweetly +critical point, whence scarce prevented by the injection from my partner, I +dissolved, and breaking out into a deep drawn sigh, sent my whole sensitive +soul down to that passage where escape was denied it, by its being so +deliciously plugged and choked up. Thus we lay a few blissful instants, +overpowered, still, and languid; till, as the sense of pleasure stagnated, we +recovered from our trance, and he slipt out of me, not however before he had +protested his extreme satisfaction by the tenderest kiss and embrace, as well +as by the most cordial expressions. +</p> + +<p> +The company, who had stood round us in a profound silence, when all was over, +helped me to hurry on my clothes in an instant, and complimented me on the +sincere homage they could not escape observing had been done as they termed +it—to the sovereignty of my charms, in my receiving a double payment of +tribute at one juncture. But my partner, now dressed again, signalized, above +all, a fondness unbated by the circumstance of recent enjoyment; the girls too +kissed and embraced me, assuring me that for that time, or indeed any other, +unless I pleased, I was to go through no farther public trials, and that I was +now consummatedly initiated, and one of them. +</p> + +<p> +As it was an inviolable law for every gallant to keep to his partner, for the +night especially, and even till he relinquished possession over to the +community, in order to preserve a pleasing property, and to avoid the disgusts +and indelicacy of another arrangement, the company, after a short refection of +biscuits and wine, tea and chocolate, served in at now about one in the +morning, broke up, and went off in pairs. Mrs. Cole had prepared my spark and +me an occasion field-bed, to which we retired, and there ended the night in one +continued strain of pleasure, sprightly and uncloyed enough for us not to have +formed one wish for its ever knowing an end. In the morning, after a +restorative breakfast in bed, he got up, and with very tender assurance of a +particular regard for me, left me to the composure and refreshment of a sweet +slumber; waking out of which, and getting up to dress before Mrs. Cole should +come in, I found in one of my pockets a purse of guineas, which he had slipt +there; and just as I was musing on a liberality I had certainly not expected, +Mrs. Cole came in, to whom I immediately communicated the present, and +naturally offered her whatever share she pleased: but assuring me that the +gentleman had very nobly rewarded her, she would on no terms, no entreaties, no +shape I could put it in, receive any part of it. Her denial, she observed, was +no affectation of grimace, and proceeded to read me such admirable lessons on +the economy of my person and my purse, as I became amply paid for my general +attention and conformity to in the course of my acquaintance with the town. +After which, changing the discourse, she fell on the pleasures of the preceding +night, where I learned, without much surprise, as I began to enter on her +character, that she had seen every thing that had passed, from a convenient +place managed solely for that purpose, and of which she readily made me the +confidante. +</p> + +<p> +She had scarce finished this, when the little troop of love girls, my +companions, broke in, and renewed their compliments and caresses. I observed +with pleasure, that the fatigues and exercises of the night had not usurped in +the least on the life of their complexion, or the freshness of their bloom: +this I found, by their confession, was owing to the management and advice of +our rare directress. They went down then to figure it, as usual, in the shop; +whilst I repaired to my lodging, where I employed myself till I returned to +dinner at Mrs. Cole’s. +</p> + +<p> +Here I staid in constant amusement, with one or other of these charming girls, +till about five in the evening; when seized with a sudden drowsy fit, I was +prevailed on to go up and doze it off on Harriet’s bed, who left me on it +to my repose. There then I laid down in my clothes, and fell fast asleep, and +had now enjoyed, by guess, about an hour’s rest, when I was pleasingly +disturbed by my new and favourite gallant, who, enquiring for me, was readily +directed where to find me. Coming then into my chamber, and seeing me lie +alone, with my face turned from the light towards the inside of the bed, he, +without more ado, just slipped off his breeches, for the greater ease and +enjoyment of the naked touch; and softly turning up my petticoats and shift +behind, opened the prospect of the back avenue to the genial seat of pleasure; +where, as I lay at my side length, inclining rather face downward, I appeared +full fair, and liable to be entered. Laying himself gently down by me, he +invested me behind, and giving me to feel the warmth of his body, as he applied +his thighs and belly close to me, and the endeavours of that machine, whose +touch has something so exquisitely singular in it, to make its way good into +me. I awaked pretty much startled at first, at seeing who it was, disposed +myself to turn to him, when he gave me a kiss, and desiring me to keep my +posture, just lifted up my upper thigh, and ascertaining the right opening, +soon drove it up to the farthest: satisfied with which, and solacing himself +with lying so close in those parts, he suspended motion, and thus steeped in +pleasure, kept me lying on my side, into him, spoon-fashion, as he termed it, +from the snug indent of the back part of my thighs, and all upwards, into the +space of the bending between his thighs and belly; till, after some time, that +restless and turbulent inmate, impatient by nature of longer quiet, urged him +to action, which now prosecuting with all the usual train of toying, kissing, +and the like, ended at length in the liquid proof on both sides, that we had +not exhausted, or at less were quickly recruited of last night’s draughts +of pleasure in us. +</p> + +<p> +With this noble and agreeable youth lived I in perfect joy and constancy. He +was full bent on keeping me to himself, for the honey-month at least; but his +stay in London was not even so long, his father, who had a post in Ireland, +taking him abruptly with him, on his repairing thither. Yet even then I was +near keeping hold of his affection and person, as he had proposed, and I had +consented to follow him in order to go to Ireland after him, as soon as he +could be settled there; but meeting with an agreeable and advantageous match in +that kingdom, he chose the wiser part, and forebore sending for me, but at the +same time took care that I should receive a very magnificent present, which did +not however compensate for all my deep regret on my loss of him. +</p> + +<p> +This event also created a chasm in our little society, which Mrs. Cole, on the +foot of her usual caution, was in no haste to fill up; but then it redoubled +her attention to procure me, in the advantages of a traffic for a counterfeit +maidenhead, some consolation for the sort of widowhood I had been left in; and +this was a scheme she had never lost prospect of, and only waited for a proper +person to bring it to bear with. +</p> + +<p> +But I was, it seems, fated to be my own caterer in this, as I had been in my +first trial of the market. +</p> + +<p> +I had now passed near a month in the enjoyment of all the pleasures of +familiarity and society with my companions, whose particular favourites (the +baronet excepted, who soon after took Harriet home) had all, on the terms of +community established in the house, solicited the gratification of their taste +for variety in my embraces; but I had with the utmost art and address, on +various pretexts, eluded their pursuit, without giving them cause to complain; +and this reserve I used neither out of dislike of them, nor disgust of the +thing, but my true reason was my attachment to my own, and my tenderness of +invading the choice of my companions, who outwardly exempt, as they seemed, +from jealousy, could not but in secret like me the better for the regard I had +for, without making a merit of it to them. Thus easy, and beloved by the whole +family, did I get on; when one day, that, about five in the afternoon, I +stepped over to a fruit shop in Covent Garden, to pick some table fruit for +myself and the young women, I met with the following adventure. +</p> + +<p> +Whilst I was chaffering for the fruit I wanted, I observed myself followed by a +young gentleman, whose rich dress first attracted my notice; for the rest, he +had nothing remarkable in his person, except that he was pale, thin-made, and +ventured himself upon legs rather of the slenderest. Easy was it to perceive, +without seeming to perceive it, that it was me he wanted to be at; and keeping +his eyes fixed on me, till he came to the same basket that I stood at, and +cheapening, or rather giving the first price asked for the fruit, began his +approaches. Now most certainly I was not at all out of figure to pass for a +modest girl. I had neither the feathers, nor fumet of a taudry town-miss: a +straw hat, a white gown, clean linen, and above all, a certain natural and easy +air of modesty (which the appearances of never forsook me, even on those +occasions that I most broke in upon it, in practice) were all signs that gave +him no opening to conjecture my condition. He spoke to me; and this address +from a stranger throwing a blush into my cheeks, that still set him wider of +the truth, I answered him, with an awkwardness and confusion the more apt to +impose, as there really was a mixture of the genuine in them. But when +proceeding, on the foot of having broken the ice, to join discourse, he went +into other leading questions, I put so much innocence, simplicity, and even +childishness, into my answers, that on no better foundation, liking my person +as he did, I will not answer for it, he would have been sworn for my modesty. +There is, in short, in the men, when once they are caught, by the eye +especially, a fund of cullibility that their lordly wisdom little dreams of, +and in virtue of which the most sagacious of them are seen so often our dupes. +Amongst other queries he put to me, one was, whether I was married? I replied, +that I was too young to think of that this many a year. To that of my age, I +answered, and sunk a year upon him, passing myself for not above seventeen. As +to my way of life, I told him I had served an apprenticeship to a milliner in +Preston, and was come to town after a relation, that I had found, on my +arrival, was dead, and now lived journey-woman to a milliner in town. That last +article, indeed, was not much of the side of what I pretended to pass for; but +it did pass, under favour of the growing passion I had inspired him with. After +he had next got out of me, very dexterously as he thought, what I had no sort +of design to make reserve of, my own, my mistress’s name, and place of +abode, he loaded me with fruit, all the rarest and dearest he could pick out +and sent me home, pondering on what might be the consequence of this adventure. +</p> + +<p> +As soon then as I came to Mrs. Cole’s, I related to her all that passed, +on which she very judiciously concluded, that if he did not come after me there +was no harm done, and that, if he did, as her presage suggested to her he +would, his character and his views should be well sifted, so as to know whether +the game was worth the springes; that in the mean time nothing was easier than +my part in it, since no more rested on me than to follow her cue and +promptership throughout, till the last act. +</p> + +<p> +The next morning, after an evening spent on his side, as we afterwards learnt, +in perquisitions into Mrs. Cole’s character in the neighbourhood (than +which nothing could be more favourable to her designs upon him), my gentleman +came in his chariot to the shop, where Mrs. Cole alone had an inkling of his +errand. Asking then for her, he easily made a beginning of acquaintance by +bespeaking some millinery ware; when, as I sat without lifting my eyes, and +pursuing the hem of a ruffle with the utmost composure and simplicity of +industry, Mrs. Cole took notice, that the first impressions I made on him ran +no risk of being destroyed by those of Louisa and Emily, who were then sitting +at work by me. After vainly endeavouring to catch my eyes in rencounter with +him (I held my head down, affecting a kind of consciousness of guilt for +having, by speaking to him given him encouragement and means of following me), +and after giving Mrs. Cole direction when to bring the things home herself, and +the time he should expect them, he went out, taking with him some goods, that +he paid for liberally, for the better grace of his introduction. +</p> + +<p> +The girls all this time did not in the least smoak the mystery of this new +customer; but Mrs. Cole, as soon as we were conveniently alone, insured me, in +virtue of her long experience in these matters, “that for this bout my +charms had not missed fire; for by his eagerness, his manner and looks, she was +sure he had it: the only point now in doubt was his character and +circumstances, which her knowledge of the town would soon gain her the +sufficient acquaintance with, to take measure upon.” +</p> + +<p> +And effectively, in a few hours, her intelligence served her so well, that she +learned that this conquest of mine was no other than Mr. Norbert, a gentleman +originally of great fortune, which, with a constitution naturally not the best, +he had vastly impaired by his over-violent pursuit of the vices of the town; in +the course of which, having worn out and staled all the more common modes of +debauchery, he had fallen into a taste of maiden-hunting; in which chase he had +ruined a number of girls, sparing no expense to compass his ends, and generally +using them well till tired, or cooled by enjoying, or springing a new face, he +could with more ease disembarrass himself of the old ones, and resign them to +their fate, as his sphere of achievements of that sort lay only amongst such as +he could proceed with by way of bargain and sale. +</p> + +<p> +Concluding from these premises, Mrs. Cole observed, that a character of this +sort was ever a lawful prize; that the sin would be, not to make the best of +our market of him; and that she thought such a girl as I only too good for him +at any rate, and on any terms. +</p> + +<p> +She went then, at the hour appointed, to his lodgings in one of our inns of +court, which were furnished in a taste of grandeur that had a special eye to +all the conveniences of luxury and pleasure. Here she found him in ready +waiting; and after finishing her business of pretence, and a long conduit of +discussions concerning her trade, which she said was very bad, the qualities of +her servants, apprentices, journey-women, the discourse naturally landed at +length on me, when Mrs. Cole, acting admirably the good old prating gossip, who +lets every thing escape her when her tongue is set in motion, cooked him up a +story so plausible of me, throwing in every now and then such strokes of art, +with all the simplest air of nature, in praise of my person and temper, as +finished him finely for her purpose, whilst nothing could be better +counterfeited than her innocence of his. But when now fired and on edge, he +proceeded to drop hints of his design and views upon me, after he had with much +confusion and pains brought her to the point (she kept as long aloof from it as +she thought proper) of understanding him, without now affecting to pass for a +dragoness of virtue, by flying out into those violent and ever suspicious +passions, she stuck with the better grace and effect to the character of a +plain, good sort of woman, that knew no harm, and that getting her bread in an +honest way, was made of stuff easy and flexible enough to be wrought to his +ends, by his superior skill and address; but, however, she managed so artfully +that three or four meetings took place, before he could obtain the least +favourable hope of her assistance; without which, he had, by a number of +fruitless messages, letters, and other direct trials of my disposition, +convinced himself there was no coming at me, all which too raised at once my +character and price with him. +</p> + +<p> +Regardful, however, of not carrying these difficulties to such a length as +might afford time for starting discoveries, or incidents, unfavourable to her +plan, she at last pretended to be won over by mere dint of entreaties, +promises, and, above all, by the dazzling sum she took care to wind him up to +the specification of, when it was now even a piece of art to feign, at once, a +yielding to the allurements of a great interest, as a pretext for her yielding +at all, and the manner of it such as might persuade him she had never dipped +her virtuous fingers in an affair of that sort. +</p> + +<p> +Thus she led him through all the gradations of difficulty, and obstacles, +necessary to enhance the value of the prize he aimed at; and in conclusion, he +was so struck with the little beauty I was mistress of, and so eagerly bent on +gaining his ends of me, that he left her no room to boast of her management in +bringing him up to her mark, he drove so plump of himself into every thing +tending to make him swallow the bait. Not but, in other respects, Mr. Norbert +was not clear sighted enough, or that he did not perfectly know the town, and +even by experience, the very branch of imposition now in practice upon him: but +we had his passion our friend so much, he was so blinded and hurried on by it, +that he would have thought any undeception a very ill office done to his +pleasure. Thus concurring, even precipitately, to the point she wanted him at, +Mrs. Cole brought him at last to hug himself on the cheap bargain he considered +the purchase of my imaginary jewel was to him, at no more than three hundred +guineas to myself, and a hundred to the brokers: being a slender recompense for +all her pains, and all the scruples of conscience she had now sacrificed to him +for this first time of her life; which sums were to be paid down on the nail, +upon delivery of my person, exclusive of some no inconsiderable presents that +had been made in the course of the negociation: during which I had +occasionally, but sparingly been introduced into his company, at proper times +and hours; in which it is incredible how little it seemed necessary to strain +my natural disposition to modesty higher, in order to pass it upon him for that +a very maid: all my looks and gestures ever breathing nothing but that +innocence which the men so ardently require in us, for no other end than to +feast themselves with the pleasure of destroying it, and which they are so +grievously, with all their skill, subject to mistakes in. +</p> + +<p> +When the articles of the treaty had been fully agreed on, the stipulated +payments duly secured, and nothing now remained but the execution of the main +point, which centered in the surrender of my person up to his free disposal and +use, Mrs. Cole managed her objections, especially to his lodgings, and +insinuations so nicely, that it became his own mere notion and urgent request, +that this copy of a wedding should be finished at her house: “At first, +indeed, she did not care, not she, to have such doings in it... she would not +for a thousand pounds have any of the servants or apprentices know it... her +precious good name would be gone for ever...,” with the like excuses. +However, on superior objections to all other expedients, whilst she took care +to start none but those which were most liable to them it came round at last to +the necessity of her obliging him in that conveniency, and of doing a little +more where she had already done so much. +</p> + +<p> +The night then was fixed, with all possible respect to the eagerness of his +impatience, and in the mean time Mrs. Cole had omitted no instructions, nor +even neglected any preparation, that might enable me to come off with honour, +in regard to the appearance of my virginity, except that, favoured as I was by +nature with all the narrowness of stricture in that part requisite to conduct +my designs, I had no occasion to borrow those auxiliaries of art that create a +momentary one, easily discovered by the test of a warm bath; and as to the +usual sanguinary symptoms of defloration, which, if not always, are generally +attendants on it, Mrs. Cole had made me the mistress of an invention of her +own, which could hardly miss its effect, and of which more in its place. +</p> + +<p> +Every thing then being disposed and fixed for Mr. Norbert’s reception, he +was, at the hour of eleven at night, with all the mysteries of silence and +secrecy, let in by Mrs. Cole herself, and introduced into her bedchamber, +where, in an old-fashioned bed of her’s, I lay, fully undressed, and +panting, if not with the fears of a real maid, at least with those perhaps +greater of a dissembled one which gave me an air of confusion and bashfulness +that maiden-modesty had all the honour of, and was indeed scarce +distinguishable from it, even by less partial eyes than those of my lover: so +let me call him, for I ever thought the term “cully” too cruel a +reproach to the men, for their abused weakness for us. +</p> + +<p> +As soon as Mrs. Cole, after the old gossipery, on these occasions, used to +young women abandoned for the first time to the will of man, had left us alone +in her room, which, by the bye was well lighted up, at his previous desire, +that seemed to bode a stricter examination than he afterwards made, Mr. +Norbert, still dressed, sprung towards the bed, where I got my head under the +clothes, and defended them a good while before he could even get at my lips, to +kiss them: so true it is, that a false virtue, on this occasion, even makes +& greater rout and resistance than a true one. From thence he descended to +my breasts, the feel I disputed tooth and nail with him till tired with my +resistance, and thinking probable to give a better account to me, he hurried +his clothes off in an instant, and came into bed. +</p> + +<p> +Mean while by the glimpse I stole of him, I could easily discover a person far +from promising any such doughty performances as the storming of maidenheads +generally requires, and whose flimsy consumptive texture gave him more the air +of an invalid that was pressed, than of a volunteer, on such hot service. +</p> + +<p> +At scarce thirty he had already reduced his strength of appetite down to a +wretched dependance on forced provocatives, very little seconded by the natural +power of a body jaded, and racked off to the less by constant repeated over +draughts of pleasure, which had done the work of sixty winters on his springs +of live: leaving him at the same time all the fire and head of youth in his +imagination, which served at once to torment and spur him down the precipice. +</p> + +<p> +As soon as he was in bed, he threw off the bedclothes, which I suffered him to +force from my hold, and I now lay as exposed as he could wish, not only to his +attacks, but his visitation of the sheets; where in the various agitations of +the body, through my endeavours to defend myself, he could easily assure +himself there was no preparation, though, to do him justice, he seemed a less +strict examinant than I had apprehended from so experienced a practitioner. My +shift then he fairly tore open, finding I made too much use of it to barricade +my breasts, as well as the more important avenue: yet in every thing else he +proceeded with all the marks of tenderness and regard to me, whilst the art of +my play was to shew none for him, I acted them all the niceties, apprehensions, +and terrors, supposable for a girl perfectly innocent to feel, at so great a +novelty as a naked man in bed with her for the first time. He scarce even +obtained a kiss but what he ravished; I put his hand away twenty times from my +breasts, where he had satisfied himself of their hardness and consistence, with +passing for hitherto unhandled goods. But when grown impatient upon the main +point, he now threw himself upon me, and first trying to examine me with his +finger, sought to make himself further way, I complained of his usage bitterly: +“I thought he would not have served a body so... I was ruined... I did +not know what I had done..., I would get up, so I would...;” and at the +same time kept my thighs so fast locked, that it was not for strength like his +to force them open, or do any good. Finding thus my advantages, and that I had +both my own and his motions at command, the deceiving him came so easy, that it +was perfectly playing upon velvet. In the mean time his machine, which was one +of those sizes that slip in and out without being minded, kept pretty stiffly +bearing against that part, which the shutting my thighs barred access to; but +finding, at length he could do no good by mere dint of bodily strength, he +resorted to entreaties and arguments: to which I only answered, with a tone of +shame and timidity, “that I was afraid he would kill me... Lord!..., +would not be served so... I was never so used in all my born days..., I +wondered he was not ashamed of himself, so I did...,” with such silly +infantine moods of repulse and complaint as I judged best adapted to express +the character of innocence, and affright. Pretending, however, to yield at +length to the vehemence of his insistence, in action and words, I sparing +disclosed my thighs, so that he could just touch the cloven inlet with the tip +of his instrument: but as he fatigued and toiled to get in, a twist of my body, +so as to receive it obliquely, not only thwarted his admission, but giving a +scream, as if he had pierced me to the heart, I shook him off me, with such +violence that he could not with all his might to it, keep the saddle: vexed +indeed at this he seemed, but not in the style of displeasure with me for my +skittishness; on the contrary, I dare swear he held me the dearer, and hugged +himself for the difficulties that even hurt his instant pleasure. Fired, +however, now beyond all bearance of delay, he remounts, and begged of me to +have patience, stroking and soothing me to it by all the tenderest endearments +and protestations of what he would moreover do for me; at which, feigning to be +somewhat softened, and abating of the anger that I had shewn at his hurting me +so prodigiously, I suffered him to lay my thighs aside, and make way for a new +trial; but I watched the directions and management of his point so well, that +no sooner was the orifice in the least open to it, but I gave such a timely +jerk as seemed to proceed not from the evasion of his entry, but from the pain +his efforts at it put me to: a circumstance too that I did not fail to +accompany with proper gestures, sighs and cries of complaint, of which, +“that he had hurt me... he killed me... I should die...,” were the +most frequent interjections. But now, after repeated attempts, in which he had +not made the least impression towards gaining his point, at least for that +time, the pleasure rose so fast upon him, that he could not check or delay it, +and in the vigour and fury which the approaches of the height of it inspired +him, he made one fierce-thrust, that had almost put me by my guard, and lodged +it so far that I could feel the warm inspersion just within the exterior +orifice, which I had the cruelty not to let him finish there, but threw him out +again, not without a most piercing loud exclamation, as if the pain had put me +beyond all regard of being overheard. It was then easy to observe that he was +more satisfied, more highly pleased with the supposed motives of his baulk of +consummation, than he would have-been at the full attainment of it. It was on +this foot that I solved to myself all the falsity I employed to procure him +that blissful pleasure in it, which most certainly he would not have tasted in +the truth of things. Eased, however, and relieved by one discharge, he now +applied himself to sooth, encourage, and to put me into humour and patience to +bear his next attempt, which he began to prepare and gather force for, from all +the incentives of the touch and sight which he could think of, by examining +every individual part of my whole body, which he declared his satisfaction +with, in raptures of applause, kisses universally imprinted, and sparing no +part of me, in all the eagerest wantonness of feeling, seeing, and toying. His +vigour, however, did not return so soon, and I felt him more than once pushing +at the door, but so little in a condition to break in, that I question whether +he had the power to enter, had I held it ever so open; but this he then thought +me too little acquainted with the nature of things, to have any regret or +confusion about, and he kept fatiguing himself and me for a long time, before +he was in any state to resume his attacks with any prospect of success and then +I breathed him so warmly, and kept him so at bay, that before he had made any +sensible progress in point of penetration, he was deliciously sweated, and +wearied out indeed: so that it was deep in the morning before he achieved his +second let-go, about half way of entrance, I all the while crying and +complaining of his prodigious vigour, and the immensity of what I appeared to +suffer splitting up with. Tired, however, at length, with such athletic +drudgery, my champion began now to give out, and to gladly embrace the +refreshment of some rest. Kissing me then with much affection, and recommending +me to my repose, he presently fell fast asleep, which, as soon as I had well +satisfied myself of, I with much composure of body, so as not to wake him by +any motion, with much ease and safety too, played of Mrs. Cole’s device +for perfecting the signs of my virginity. In each of the head bed-posts, just +above where the bedsteads are inserted into them, there was a small drawer, so +artfully adapted to the mouldings of the timber-work, that it might have +escaped even the most curious search: which drawers were easily opened or shut +by the touch of a spring, and were fitted each with a shallow glass tumbler, +full of a prepared fluid blood, in which lay soaked, for ready use, a sponge, +that required no more than gently reaching the hand to it, taking it out and +properly squeezing between the thighs, when it yelded a great deal more of the +red liquid than would save a girl’s honour; after which, replacing it, +and touching the spring, all possibility of discovery, or even of suspicion, +was taken away; and this was not the work of the fourth part of a minute, and +of which ever side one lay, the thing was equally easy and practicable, by the +double care taken to have each bed-post provided alike. True it is, that had he +waked and caught me in the act, it would at least have covered me with shame +and confusion; but them, that he did not, was, with the precautions I took, a +risk of a thousand to one in my favour. +</p> + +<p> +At ease now, and out of all fear of any doubt or suspicion on his side, I +addressed myself in good earnest to my repose, but could obtain none; and in +about half an hour’s time my gentleman waked again, and turning towards +me, I feigned a sound sleep, which he did not long respect; but girding himself +again to renew the onset, he began to kiss and caress me, when now making as if +I just waked, I complained of the disturbance, and of the cruel pain that this +little rest had stole my senses from. Eager, however, for the pleasure, as well +of consummating an entire triumph over my virginity, he said every thing that +could overcome my resistance, and bribe my patience to the end, which now I was +ready to listen to, from being secure of the bloody proofs I had prepared of +his victorious violence, though I still thought it good policy not to let him +in yet a while. I answered then only to his importunities in sighs and moans, +“that I was so hurt, I could not bear it... I was sure he had done me a +mischief; that he had... he was such a bad man!” At this, turning down +the clothes, and viewing the field of battle by the glimmer of a dying taper, +he saw plainly my thighs, shift, and sheet, all stained with what he readily +took for a virgin effusion, proceeding from his last half penetration: +convinced, and transported at which, nothing could equal his joy and +exultation. The illusion was complete, no other conception entered his head, +but that of his having been at work upon an unopened mine; which idea, upon so +strong an evidence, redoubled at once his tenderness for me, and his ardour for +breaking it wholly up. Kissing me then with the utmost rapture, he comforted +me, and begged my pardon for the pain he had put me to: observing withal, that +it was only a thing in course; but the worst was certainly past, and that with +a little courage and constancy, I should get it once well over, and never after +experience any thing but the greatest pleasure. By little and little I suffered +myself to be prevailed on, and giving, as it were, up to the point of him, I +made my thighs, insensibly spreading them, yield him liberty of access, which +improving, he got a little within me, when by a well managed reception I worked +the female screw so nicely, that I kept him from the easy mid-channel +direction, and by dexterous wreathing and contortions, creating an artificial +difficulty of entrance, made him win it inch by inch, with the most laborious +struggles, I all the while sorely complaining: till at length, with might and +main, winding his way in, he got it completely home, and giving my virginity, +as he thought, the coup le grace, furnished me with the cue of setting up a +terrible outcry, whilst he, triumphant and like a cock clapping his wings over +his down-trod mistress, pursued his pleasure: which presently rose, in virtue +of this idea of a complete victory, to a pitch that made me soon sensible of +his melting period; whilst I now lay acting the deep wounded, breathless, +frightened, undone, no longer maid. +</p> + +<p> +You would ask me, perhaps, whether all this time I enjoyed any perception of +pleasure? I assure you, little or none, till just towards the latter end, a +faintish sense of it came on mechanically, from so long a struggle and frequent +fret in that ever sensible part; but, in the first place, I had no taste for +the person I was suffering the embraces of, on a pure mercenary account; and +then, I was not entirely delighted with myself for the jade’s part I was +playing, whatever excuses I might plead for my being brought into it; but then +this insensibility kept me so much the mistress of my mind and motions, that I +could the better manage so close a counterfeit, through the whole scene of +deception. +</p> + +<p> +Recovered at length to a more shew of life, by his tender condolences, kisses +and embraces, I upbraided him, and reproached him with my ruin, in such natural +terms, as added to his satisfaction with himself, for having accomplished it; +and guessing, by certain observations of mine, that it would be rather +favourable to him, to spare him, when he some time after, feebly enough, came +on again to the assault, I resolutely withstood any further endeavours, on a +pretext that flattered his prowess, of my being so violently hurt and sore, +that I could not possibly endure a fresh trial. He then graciously granted me a +respite, and the next morning soon after advancing, I got rid of further +importunity, till Mrs. Cole, being rung for by him, came in and was made +acquainted, in terms of the utmost joy and rapture, with his triumphant +certainty of my virtue, and the finishing stroke he had given it, in the course +of the night: of which, he added, she would see proof enough in bloody +characters, on the sheets. +</p> + +<p> +You may guess how a woman of her turn of address and experience humoured the +jest, and played him off with mixed exclamations of shame, danger, compassion +for me, and of her being pleased that all was so well over: in which last, I +believe, she was certainly sincere. And now, as the objection which she had +represented as an invincible one, to me lying the first night at his lodgings +(which were studiously calculated for freedom of intrigues), on the account of +my maiden fears and terrors, at the thought of going to a gentleman’s +chambers, and being alone with him in bed, was surmounted, she pretended to +persuade me, in favour to him, that I should go there to him, whenever he +pleased, and still keep up all the necessary appearances of working with her, +that I might not lose, with my character, the prospect of getting a good +husband, and at the same time her house would be kept safer from scandal. All +this seemed so reasonable, so considerate to Mr. Norbert, that he never once +perceived that she did not want him to resort to her house, lest he might in +time discover certain inconsistencies with the character she had set out with +to him: besides that this plan greatly flattered his own ease, and views of +liberty. +</p> + +<p> +Leaving me then to my much wanted rest, he got up, and Mrs. Cole, after +settling with him all points relating to me, got him undiscovered out of the +house. After which, as I was awake, she came in, and gave me due praises for my +success. Behaving too with her usual moderation and disinterestedness, she +refused any share of the sum I had thus earned, and put me into such a secure +and easy way of disposing of my affairs, which now amounted to a kind of little +fortune, that a child of ten years old might have kept the account and property +of them safe in its hands. +</p> + +<p> +I was now restored again to my former state of a kept mistress, and used +punctually to wait on Mr. Norbert at his chambers whenever he sent a messenger +for me, which I constantly took care to be in the way of, and managed with so +much caution, that he never once penetrated the nature of my connections with +Mrs. Cole; but indolently given up to ease and the town dissipations, the +perpetual hurry of them hindered him from looking into his own affairs, much +less to mine. +</p> + +<p> +In the mean time, if I may judge from my own experience, none are better paid, +or better treated, during their reign, than the mistress of those who, enervate +by nature, debaucheries, or age, have the least employment for the sex: +sensible that a woman must be satisfied some way, they ply her with a thousand +little tender attentions, presents, caresses, confidences, and exhaust their +inventions in means and devices to make up for the capital deficiency; and even +towards lessening that, what arts, what modes, what refinements of pleasure +have they not recourse to, to raise their languid powers, and press nature into +the service of their sensuality? But here is their misfortune, that when by a +course of teasing, worrying, handling, wanton postures, lascivious motions, +they have at length accomplished a flashy enervate enjoyment, they at the same +time light up a flame in the object of their passion, that, not having the +means themselves to quench, drives her for relief into the next person’s +arms, who can finish their work; and thus they become bawds to some favourite, +tried and approved of, for a more vigorous and satisfactory execution; for with +women, of our turn especially, however well our hearts may be disposed, there +is a controlling part, or queen-seat in us, that governs itself by its own +maxims of state, amongst which not one is stronger, in practice with it, than, +in the matter of is dues, never to accept the will for the deed. +</p> + +<p> +Mr. Norbert, who was much in this ungracious case, though he professed to like +me extremely, could but seldom consummate the main-joy itself with me, without +such a length and variety of preparations, as were at once wearisome and +inflammatory. +</p> + +<p> +Sometimes he would strip me stark naked on a carpet, by a good fire, when he +would contemplate me almost by the hour, disposing me in all the figures and +attitudes of body that it was susceptible of being viewed in; kissing me in +every part, the most secret and critical one so far from excepted that it +received most of that branch of homage. Then his touches were so exquisitely +wanton, so luxuriously diffused and penetrative at times, that he had made me +perfectly rage with titillating fires, when, after all, and much ado, he had +gained a short-lived erection, he would perhaps melt it away in a washy sweat, +or a premature abortive effusion, that provokingly mocked my eager desires: or, +if carried home, how faultered and unnervous the execution! how insufficient +the sprinkle of a few heat-drops to extinguish all the flames he had kindled! +</p> + +<p> +One evening, I cannot help remembering, that returning home from him, with a +spirit he had raised in a circle his wand had proved too weak to lay, as I +turned the corner of a street, I was overtaken by a young sailor, I was then in +that spruce, neat, plain dress, which I ever affected and perhaps might have, +in my trip, a certain air of restlessness unknown to the composure of cooler +thoughts. However, he seized me as a prize, and without farther ceremony threw +his arms round my neck, and kissed me boisterously and sweetly. I looked at him +with a beginning of anger and indignation at his rudeness, that softened away +into other sentiments as I viewed him: for he was tall, manly carriaged, +handsome of body and face, so that I ended my stare, with asking him, in a tone +turned to tenderness, what he meant; at which, with the same frankness and +vivacity as he had begun with me, he proposed treating me with a glass of wine. +Now, certain it is, that had I been in a calmer state of blood than I was, had +I not been under the dominion of unappeased irritation; but I do not know how +it was, my pressing calls, his figure, the occasion, and if you will, the +powerful combination of all these, with a start of curiosity to see the end of +an adventure, so novel too as being treated like a common street-plyer, made me +give a silent consent; in short, it was not my head that I now obeyed, I +suffered myself to be towed along as it were by this man-of-war, who took me +under his arm as familialry as if he had known me all his lifetime, and led me +into the next convenient tavern, where we were shown into a little room on one +side of the passage. Here, scarce allowing himself patient till the drawer +brought in the wine called for, he fell directly on board me: when, untucking +my handkerchief, and giving me a snatching buss, he laid my breasts bare at +once, which he handled with that keenness of gust that abridges a ceremonial +evermore tiresome than pleasing on such pressing occasions; and now, hurrying +towards the main point, we found no conveniency to our purpose, two or three +disabled chairs, and a rickety table, composing the whole furniture of the +room. Without more ado, he plans me with my back standing against the wall, and +my petticoats up; and coming out with a splitter indeed, made it shine, as he +brandished it, in my eyes; and going to work with an impetuosity and eagerness, +bred very likely by a long fast at seat, went to give me a taste of it. I +straddled, I humoured my posture, and did my best in short to buckle to it; I +took part of it in, but still things did not go to his thorough liking; +changing them in a trice his system of battery, he leads me to the table and +with a master-hand lays my head down on the edge of it, and, with the other +canting up my petticoats and shift, bares my naked posteriors to his blind and +furious guide; it forces its way between them, and I feeling pretty sensibly +that it was not going by the right door, and knocking desperately at the wrong +one, I told him of it:—“Pooh!” says he, “my dear, any +port in a storm.” Altering, however, directly his course, and lowering +his point, he fixed it right, and driving it up with a delicious stiffness, +made all foam again, and gave me the tout with such fire and spirit, that in +the fine disposition I was in when I submitted to him and stirred up so +fiercely as I was, I got the start of him, and went away into the melting +swoon, and squeezing him, whilst in the convulsive grasp of it, drew from him +such a plenteous bedewal, as pointed to my own effusion, perfectly floated +those parts, and drowned in a deluge all my raging conflagration of desire. +</p> + +<p> +When this was over, how to make my retreat was my concern; for, though I had +been so extremely pleased with the difficult between this warm broadside, +poured so briskly into me, and the tiresome pawing and toying to which I had +owed the unappeased flames that had driven me into this step, now I was cooler, +I began to apprehend the danger of contracting an acquaintance with this, +however agreeable stranger; who, on his side, spoke of passing the evening with +me and continuing our intimacy, with an air of determination that made me +afraid of its being not so easy to get away from him as I could wish. In the +mean time I carefully concealed my uneasiness, and readily pretended to consent +to stay with him, telling him I should only step to my lodgings to leave a +necessary direction, and then instantly return. This he very glibly swallowed, +on the notion of my being one of those unhappy street-errants, who devote +themselves to the pleasure of the first ruffian that will stoop to pick them +up, and of course, that I would scarce bilk myself of the hire, by not +returning make the most of the job. Thus he parted with me, not before, +however, he had ordered in my hearing a supper, which I had the barbarity to +disappoint him of my company too. +</p> + +<p> +But when I got home, and told Mrs. Cole my adventure, she represented so +strongly to me the nature and dangerous consequences of my folly, particularly +the risks to my health, in being so openlegged and free, that I not only took +resolutions never to venture so rashly again, which I inviolably preserved, but +passed a good many days in continual uneasiness, lest I should have met with +other reasons, besides the pleasure of that rencounter, to remember it; but +these fears wronged my pretty sailor, for which I gladly make him this +reparation. +</p> + +<p> +I had now lived with Mr. Norbert near a quarter of a year, in which space I +circulated my time very pleasantly, between my amusements at Mrs. Cole’s, +and a proper attendance on that gentleman, who paid me profusely for the +unlimited complaisance with which I passively humoured every caprice of +pleasure, and which had won upon him so greatly, that finding, as he said, all +that variety in me alone, which he had sought for in a number of women, I had +made him lose his taste for inconstancy, and new faces. But what was yet at +least agreeable, as well as more flattering, the love I had inspired him with, +bred a deference to me, that was of great service to his health: for having by +degrees, and with much pathetic representations brought him to some husbandry +of it, and to insure the duration of his pleasures by moderating their use, and +correcting those excesses in them he was so addicted to, and which had +shattered his constitution and destroyed his powers of life in the very point +for which he seemed desirous to live, he was grown more delicate, more +temperate, and in course more healthy; his gratitude for which was taking a +turn very favourable for my fortune, when once more the caprice of it dashed +the cup from my lips. +</p> + +<p> +His sister, lady L..., for whom he had a great affection, desiring him to +accompany her down to Bath for her health, he could not refuse her such a +favour; and accordingly, though he counted on staying away from me no more than +a week at farthest, he took his leave of me with an ominous heaviness of heart, +and left me a sum far above the state of his fortune, and very inconsistent +with the intended shortness of his journey; but it ended in the longest that +can be, and is never but once taken: for, arrived at Bath, he was not there two +days before he fell into a debauch of drinking with some gentlemen, that threw +him into a high fever, and carried him off in four days’ time, never once +out of a delirium. Had he been in his senses to make a will, perhaps he might +have made favourable mention of me in it. Thus, however, I lost him; and as no +condition of life is more subject to revolutions than that of a woman of +pleasure, I soon recovered my cheerfulness, and now beheld myself once more +struck off the list of kept mistresses, and returned into the bosom of the +community, from which I had been in some manner taken. +</p> + +<p> +Mrs. Cole still continued her friendship, and offered me her assistance and +advice towards another choice; but I was now in ease and affluence enough to +look about me at leisure; and as to any constitutional calls of pleasure, their +pressure, or sensibility, was greatly lessened by a consciousness of the ease +with which they were to be satisfied at Mrs. Cole’s house, where Louisa +and Emily still continued in the old way; and my great favourite Harriet used +often to come and see me, and entertain me, with her head and heart full of the +happiness she enjoyed with her dear baronet, whom she loved with a tenderness +and constancy, even though he was her keeper, and what is yet more, had made +her independent, by a handsome provision for her and hers. I was then in this +vacancy from any regular employ of my person in my way of business, when one +day, Mrs. Cole, in the course of the constant confidence we lived in, +acquainted me that there was one Mr. Barville, who used her house, just come to +town, whom she was not a little perplexed about providing a suitable companion +for; which was indeed a point of difficulty, as he was under the tyranny of a +cruel taste: that of an ardent desire, not only of being unmercifully whipped +himself, but of whipping others, in such sort, that though he paid +extravagantly those who had the courage and complaisance to submit to his +humour, there were few, delicate as he was in the choice of his subjects, who +would exchange turns with him so terribly at the expense of their skin. But, +what yet increased the oddity of this strange fancy was the gentleman being +young; whereas it generally attacks, it seems, such as are, through age, +obliged to have recourse to this experiment, for quickening the circulation of +their sluggish juices, and determining a conflux of the spirits of pleasure +towards those flagging shrivelly parts, that rise to life only by virtue of +those titillating ardours created by the discipline of their opposites, with +which they have so surprising a consent. +</p> + +<p> +This Mrs. Cole could not well acquaint me with, in any expectation of my +offering for service: for, sufficiently easy as I was in my circumstances, it +must have been the temptation of an immense interest indeed, that could have +induced me to embrace such a job, neither had I ever expressed, nor indeed, +felt the least impulse or curiosity to know more of a taste, that promised so +much more pain than pleasure to those that stood in no need of such violent +goads: what then should move me to subscribe myself voluntarily to a party of +pain, foreknowing it such? Why, to tell the plain truth, it was a sudden +caprice, a gust of fancy for trying a new experiment, mixed with the vanity of +approving my personal courage to Mrs. Cole, that determined me, at all risks, +to propose myself to her and relieve her from any further look-out. +Accordingly, I at once pleased and surprised her, with a frank and unreserved +tender of my person to her and her friend’s absolute disposal on this +occasion. +</p> + +<p> +My good temporal mother was, however, so kind as to use all the arguments she +could imagine to dissuade me: but, as I found they only turned on a motive of +tenderness to me, I persisted in my resolution, and thereby acquitted my offer +of any suspicion of its not having been sincerely made, or out of compliment +only. Acquiescing then thankfully in it, Mrs. Cole assured me “that +bating the pain I should be put to, she had no scruple to engage me to this +party, which she assured me I should be liberally paid for, and which, the +secrecy of the transaction preserved safe from the ridicule that otherwise +vulgarly attended it; that for her part, she considered pleasure, of one sort +or other, as the universal port of destination, and every wind that blew +thither a good one, provided it blew nobody any harm; that she rather +compassionated, than blamed those unhappy persons, who are under a subjection +they cannot shake off, to those arbitrary tastes that rule their appetites of +pleasures with an unaccountable control: tastes too, as infinitely diversified, +as superior to, and independent of all reasoning as the different relishes or +palates of mankind in their viands, some delicate stomach nauseating plain +meats, and finding no savour but in highseasoned, luxurious dishes, whilst +others again pique themselves upon detesting them.” +</p> + +<p> +I stood now in no need of this preamble of encouragement, or justification: my +word was given, and I was determined to fulfill my engagements. Accordingly the +night was set, and I had all the necessary previous instructions how to act and +conduct myself. The dining room was duly prepared and lighted up, and the +young gentleman posted there in waiting, for my introduction to him. +</p> + +<p> +I was then, by Mrs. Cole, brought in, and presented to him, in a loose +dishabille fitted, by her direction, to the exercise I was to go through, all +in the finest linen and a thorough white uniform: gown, petticoat, stocking, +and satin slippers, like a victim led to sacrifice; whilst my dark auburn hair, +falling in drop-curls over my neck, created a pleasing distinction of colour +from the rest of my dress. +</p> + +<p> +As soon as Mr. Barville saw me, he got up, with a visible air of pleasure and +surprise, and saluting me, asked Mrs. Cole, if so fine and delicate a creature +would voluntarily submit to such sufferings and rigours, as were the subject of +his assignation. She answered him properly, and now, reading in his eyes that +she could not too soon leave us together, she went out, after recommending to +him to use moderation with so tender a novice. +</p> + +<p> +But whilst she was employing his attention, mine had been taken up with +examining the figure and person of this unhappy young gentleman, who was thus +unaccountably condemned to have his pleasure lashed into him, as boys have +their learning. +</p> + +<p> +He was exceedingly fair, and, smooth complexioned, and appeared to me no more +than twenty at most, though he was three years older than what my conjectures +gave him; but then he owed this favourable mistake to a habit of fatness, which +spread through a short, squab stature; and a round, plump, fresh coloured face +gave him greatly the look of a Bacchus, had not an air of austerity, not to say +sternness, very unsuitable even to his shape of face, dashed that character of +joy, necessary to complete the resemblance. His dress was extremely neat, but +plain, and far inferior to the ample fortune he was in full possession of; this +too was a taste in him, and not avarice. +</p> + +<p> +As soon as Mrs. Cole was gone, he seated me near him, when now his face changed +upon me, into an expression of the most pleasing sweetness and good humour, the +most remarkable for its sudden shift from the other extreme, which I found +afterwards, when I knew more of his character, was owing to a habitual state of +conflict with, and dislike of himself, for being enslaved to so peculiar a +lust, by the fatality of a constitutional ascendant, that rendered him +incapable of receiving any pleasure, till he submitted to these extraordinary +means of procuring it at the hands of pain, whilst the constancy of this +repining consciousness stamped at length that cast of sourness and severity on +his features: which was, in fact, very foreign to the natural sweetness of his +temper. +</p> + +<p> +After a competent preparation by apologies, and encouragement to go through my +part with spirit and constancy, he stood up near the fire, whilst I went to +fetch the instruments of discipline out of a closet hard by: these were several +rods, made each of two or three strong twigs of birch tied together, which he +took, handled, and viewed with as much pleasure, as I did with a kind of +shuddering presage. +</p> + +<p> +Next we took from the side of the room a long broad bench, made easy to lie at +length on by a soft cushion in a callico-cover; and everything being now ready, +he took his coat and waistcoat off; and at his motion and desire, I unbuttoned +his breeches, and rolling up his shirt rather above his waist, tucked it on +securely there; when directing naturally my eyes to that humoursone +master-movement, in whose favour all these dispositions were making, it seemed +almost shrunk into his body, scarce showing its tip above the sprout of hairy +curls that clothed those parts, as you may have-seen a wren peeping its head +out of the grass. +</p> + +<p> +Stooping them to untie his garters, he gave them to me for the use of tying him +down to the legs of the bench: a circumstance no farther necessary than, as I +suppose, it made part of the humour of the thing, since he prescribed it to +himself, amongst the rest of the ceremonial. +</p> + +<p> +I led him then to the bench, and according to my cue, played at forcing him to +lie down: which, after-some little show of reluctance, for form-sake, he +submitted to; he was straightway extended flat upon his: belly, on the bench, +with a pillow under his face; and as he thus tamely lay, I tied him slightly +hand and feet, to the legs of it; which done, his shirt remaining trussed up +over the small of his back, I drew his breeches quite down to his knees; and +now he lay, in all the fairest, broadest display of that part of the back-view; +in which a pair of chubby, smooth-cheeked and passing white posteriors rose +cushioning upwards from two stout, fleshful thighs, and ending their cleft, or +separation by an union at the small of the back, presented a bold mark, that +swelled, as it were, to meet the scourge. +</p> + +<p> +Seizing now one of the rods, I stood over him, and according to his direction, +gave him in one breath, ten lashes with much good-will, and the utmost nerve +and vigour of arm that I could put to them, so as to make those fleshy orbs +quiver again under them; whilst he himself seemed no more concerned, or to mind +them, than a lobster would a flea-bite. In the mean time, I view intently the +effect of them, which to me at last appeared surprisingly cruel: every lash had +skimmed the surface of those white cliffs, which they deeply reddened, and +lapping round the side of the furthermost from me, cut specially, into the +dimple of it, such livid weals, as the blood either spun out from, or stood in +large drops on; and, from some of the cuts, I picked out even the splinters of +the rod that had stuck in the skin. Nor was this raw work to be wondered at, +considering the greenness of the twigs and the severity of the infliction, +whilst the whole surface of the skin was so smooth-stretched over the hard and +firm pulp of flesh that filled it, as to yield no play, or elusive swagging +under the stroke: which thereby took place the more plump, and cut into the +quick. +</p> + +<p> +I was however already so moved at the piteous sight, that I from my heart +repented the undertaking, and would willing had given over, thinking he had +full enough; but, he encouraging and beseeching me earnestly to proceed, I gave +him ten more lashes; and then resting, surveyed the increase of bloody +appearances. And at length, steeled to the height, by his stoutness in +suffering, I continued the discipline, by intervals, till I observed him +wreathing and twisting his body, in a way that I could plainly perceive was not +the effect of pain, but of some new and powerful sensation: curious to dive +into the meaning of which, in one of my pauses of intermission, I approached, +as he still kept working, and grinding his belly against the cushion under him: +and first stroking the untouched and unhurt side of the flesh-mount next me, +then softly insinuating my hand under his thigh, felt the posture things were +in forwards, which was indeed surprising: for that machine of him, which I had, +by its appearance, taken for an impalpable, or at least a very diminutive +subject, was now, in virtue of all that smart and havoc of his skin behind, +grown not only to a prodigious stiffness of erection, but to a size that +frighted even me: a non-pareil thickness indeed! the head of it alone filled +the utmost capacity of my grasp. And when, as he heaved and wriggled to and +fro, in the agitation of his strange pleasure, it came into view, it had +something of the air of a round fillet of veal, and like its owner, squab, and +short in proportion to its breadth; but when he felt my hand there, he begged I +would go on briskly with my jerking, or he should never arrive at the last +stage of pleasure. +</p> + +<p> +Resuming then the rode and the exercise of it, I had fairly worn out three +bundles, when, after an increase of struggles and motion, and a deep sigh or +two, I saw him lie still and motionless; and now he desired me to desist, which +I instantly did; and proceeding to untie him, I could not but be amazed at his +passive fortitude, on viewing the skin of his butchered, mangled posteriors, +late so white, smooth and polished, now all one side of them a confused +cut-work of weals, livid flesh, gashes and gore, insomuch that when he stood +up, he could scarce walk; in short, he was in sweet-briars. +</p> + +<p> +Then I plainly perceived, on the cushion, the marks of a plenteous effusion, +and already had his sluggard member run up to its old nestling-place, and +enforced itself again, as if ashamed to shew its head; which nothing, it seems, +could raise but stripes inflicted on its opposite neighbours, who were thus +constantly obliged to suffer for his caprice. +</p> + +<p> +My gentleman had now put on his clothes and recomposed himself, when giving me +a kiss, and placing me by him, he sat himself down as gingerly as possible, +with one side off the cushion, which was too sore for him to bear resting any +part of his weight on. +</p> + +<p> +Here he thanked me for the extreme pleasure I had procured him, and seeing, +perhaps, some marks in my countenance of terror and apprehension of retaliation +on my own skin, for what I had been the instrument of his suffering in his, he +assured me, “he was ready to give up to me any engagement I might deem +myself under to stand him, as he had done me, but that if I proceeding in my +consent to it, he would consider the difference of my sex, its greater delicacy +and incapacity to undergo pain.” Reheartened at which, and piqued in +honour, as I thought, not to flinch so near the trial, especially as I well +knew Mrs. Cole was an eye-witness, from her stand of espial, to the whole of +our transaction, I was now less afraid of my skin, than of his not furnishing +me with an opportunity of signalizing my resolution. +</p> + +<p> +Consonant to this disposition was my answer, but my courage was still more in +my head, than in my heart; and as cowards rush into danger they fear, in order +to be the sooner rid of the pain of that sensation, I was entirely pleased with +his hastening matters into execution. +</p> + +<p> +He had then little to do, but to unloose the strings of my petticoats, and lift +them, together with my shift, navel-high, where he just tucked them up loosely, +and might be slipt up higher at pleasure. Then viewing me round with great +seeming delight, he laid me at length on my face upon the bench, and when I +expected he would tie me, as I had done him, and held out my hands, not without +fear and a little trembling, he told me, “he would by no means terrify me +unnecessarily with such a confinement; for that though he meant to put my +constancy to a trial, the standing it was to be completely voluntary on my +side, and therefore I might be at full liberty to get up whenever I found the +pain too much for me.” You cannot imagine how much I thought myself +bound, by being thus allowed to remain loose, and how much spirit this +confidence in me gave me, so that I was even from my heart careless how much my +flesh might suffer in honour of it. +</p> + +<p> +All my back parts, naked half way up, were now fully at his mercy: and first, +he stood at a convenient distance, delighting himself with a gloating survey of +the attitude I lay in, and of all the secret stores I thus exposed to him in +fair display. Then, springing eagerly towards me, he covered all those naked +parts with a fond profusion of kisses; and now, taking hold of the rod, rather +wantoned with me, in gentle inflictions on those tender trembling masses of my +flesh behind, than in any way hurt them, till by degrees, he began to tingle +them with smarter lashes, so as to provoke a red colour into them, which I +knew, as well by the flagrant glow I felt there, as by his telling me, they now +emulated the native roses of my other cheeks. When he had thus amused himself +with admiring, and toying with them, he went on to strike harder, and more +hard, so that I needed all my patience not to cry out, or complain at least. At +last, he twigged me so smartly as to fetch blood in more than one lash: at +sight of which he flung down the rod, flew to me, kissed away the starting +drops, and sucking the wounds eased a good deal of my pain. But now raising me +on my knees, and making me kneel with them straddling wide, that tender part of +me, naturally the province of pleasure, not of pain, came in for its share of +suffering: for now, eyeing it wistfully, he directed the rod so that the sharp +ends of the twigs lighted there, so sensibly, that I could not help wincing, +and writhing my limbs with smart; so that my contortions of body must +necessarily throw it into infinite variety of postures and points of view, fit +to feast the luxury of the eye. But still I bore every thing without crying +out: when presently giving me another pause, he rushed, as it were, on that +part whose lips, and round about, had felt this cruelty, and by way of +reparation, glued his own to them; then he opened, shut, squeezed them, plucked +softly the overgrowing moss, and all this in a style of wild passionate rapture +and enthusiasm, that expressed excess of pleasure; till betaking himself to the +rod again, encouraged by my passiveness, and infuriated with this strange taste +of delight, he made my poor posteriors pay for the ungovernableness of it; for +now showing them no quarter, the traitor cut me so, that I wanted but little of +fainting away, when he gave over. And yet I did not utter one groan, or angry +expostulation; but in my heart I resolved nothing so seriously, as never to +expose myself again to the like severities. +</p> + +<p> +You may guess then in what a curious pickle those soft flesh-cushions of mine +were, all so red, raw, and in fine, terribly clawed off; but so far from +feeling any pleasure in it, that the recent smart made me pout a little, and +not with the greatest air of satisfaction receive the compliments, and +after-caresses of the author of my pain. +</p> + +<p> +As soon as my clothes were huddled on in a little decency, a supper was brought +in by the discreet Mrs. Cole herself, which might have piqued the sensuality of +a cardinal, accompanied with a choice of the richest wines: all which she set +before us, and went out again, without having, by a word or even by a smile, +given us the least interruption or confusion, in those moments of secrecy, that +we were not yet ripe to the admission of a third too. +</p> + +<p> +I sat down then, still scarce in charity with my butcher, for such I could not +help considering him, and was moreover not a little piqued at the gay, +satisfied air of his countenance, which I thought myself insulted by. But when +the now necessary refreshment to me of a glass of wine, and a little eating +(all the time observing a profound silence) had somewhat cheered and restored +me to spirits, and as the smart began to go off, my good humour returned +accordingly: which alteration not escaping him, he said and did every thing +that could confirm me in, and indeed exalt it. +</p> + +<p> +But scarce was supper well over, before a change so incredible was wrought in +me, such violent, yet pleasingly irksome sensations took possession of me that +I scarce knew how to contain myself; the smart of the lashes was now converted +into such a prickly heat, such fiery tinglings, as made me sigh, squeeze my +thighs together, shift and wriggle about my seat, with a furious restlessness; +whilst these itching ardours, thus excited in those parts on which the storm of +discipline had principally fallen, detached legions of burning, subtile, +stimulating spirits, to their opposite spot and centre of assemblage, where +their titillation raged so furiously, that I was even stinging made with them. +No wonder then that in such a taking, and devoured by flames that licked up all +modesty and reserve, my eyes, now charged brimful of the most intense desire, +fired on my companion very intelligible signal of distress: my companion, I +say, who grew in them every instant more amiable, and more necessary to my +urgent wishes and hopes of immediate ease. +</p> + +<p> +Mr. Barville, no stranger, by experience, to these situations, soon knew the +pass I was brought to soon perceived my extreme disorder; in favour of which, +removing the table out of the way, he began a prelude that flattered me with +instant relief, to which I was not, however, so near as I imagined: for as he +was unbuttoned to me, and tried to provoke and rouse to action his unactive +torpid machine, he blushingly owned that no good was to be expected from it, +unless I took it in hand to re-excite its languid loitering powers, by just +refreshing the smart of the yet recent blood-raw cuts, seeing it could, no more +than a boy’s top, keep up without lashing. Sensible then that I should +work as much for my own profit as his, I hurried my compliance with his desire, +and abridging the ceremonial, whilst he leaned his head against the back of a +chair, I had scarce gently made him feel the lash, before I saw the object of +my wishes give signs of life, and presently, as it were with a magic touch, is +started up into a noble size and distinction indeed. Hastening then to give me +the benefit of it, he threw me down on the bench; but such was the refreshed +soreness of those parts behind, on my leaning so hard on them, as became me to +compass the admission of that stupendous head of his machine, that I could not +possibly bear it. I got up then, and tried, by leaning forwards, and turning +the crupper on my assailant, to let him at the back avenue: but here it was +likewise impossible to stand his bearing so fiercely against me, in his +agitations and endeavours to enter that way, whilst his belly battered directly +against the recent sore. What should we do now? both intolerably heated: both +in a fury; but pleasure is ever inventive for its own ends: he strips me in a +trice stark naked, and placing a broad settee-cushion on the carpet before the +fire, oversets me gently, topsy turvy, on it; and handling me only at the +waist, whilst you may be sure I favoured all my dispositions, brought my legs +round his neck; so that my head was kept from the floor only by my hands and +the velvet cushion, which was now bespread with my flowing hair: thus I stood +on my head and hands, supported by him in such manner, that whilst my thighs +clung round him, so as to expose to his sight all my back figure, including the +theatre of his bloody pleasure, the centre of my fore pair fairly bearded the +object of its rage, that now stood in fine condition to give me satisfaction +for the injuries of its neighbours. But as this posture was certainly not the +easiest, and our imaginations, wound up to the height, could suffer no delay, +he first, with the utmost eagerness and effort, just lip-lodged that broad +acorn-fashioned head of his instrument; and still befriended by the fury with +which he had made that impression, he soon stuffed in the rest; when now, with +a pursuit of thrusts, fiercely urged, he absolutely overpowered and absorbed +all sense of pain and uneasiness, whether from my wounds behind, my most +untoward posture, or the oversize of his stretcher, in an infinitely +predominant delight; when now all my whole spirits of life and sensation +rushing, impetuously to the cock-pit, where the prize of pleasure was hotly in +dispute and clustering to a point there, I soon received the dear relief of +nature from these over-violent strains and provocations of it; harmonizing with +which, my gallant spouted into me such a potent overflow of the balsamic +injection, as softened and unedged all those irritating stings of a new species +of titillation, which I had been so intolerably maddened with, and restored the +ferment of my senses to some degree of composure. +</p> + +<p> +I had now achieved this rare adventure ultimately much more to my satisfaction +than I had bespoken the nature of it to turn out; nor was it much lessened, you +may think, by spark’s lavish praises of my constancy and complaisance, +which he gave weight to by a present that greatly surpassed my utmost +expectation, besides his gratification to Mrs. Cole. +</p> + +<p> +I was not, however, at any time re-enticed to renew with him, or resort again +to the violent expedient of lashing nature into more haste than good speed: +which, by the way, I conceive acts somewhat in the manner of a dose of Spanish +flies; with more pain perhaps, but less danger; and might be necessary to him, +but was nothing less so than to me, whose appetite wanted the bridle more than +the spur. +</p> + +<p> +Mrs. Cole, to whom this adventurous exploit had more and more endeared me, +looked on me now as a girl after her own heart, afraid of nothing, and, on a +good account, hardly enough to fight all the weapons of pleasure through. +Attentive then, in consequence of these favourable conceptions, to promote +either my profit or pleasure, she had special regard for the first, in a new +gallant of a very singular turn, that she procured for and introduced to me. +</p> + +<p> +This was a grave staid, solemn, elderly gentleman, whose peculiar humour was a +delight in combing fine tresses of hair; and as I was perfectly headed to his +taste, he used to come constantly at my toilet hours, when I let down my hair +as loose as nature, and abandoned it to him to do what he pleased with it; and +accordingly he would keep me an hour or more in play with it, drawing the comb +through it, winding the curls round his fingers, even kissing it as he smoothed +it; and all this led to no other use of my person, or any other liberties +whatever, any more than if a distinction of sexes had not existed. +</p> + +<p> +Another peculiarity of taste he had, which was to present me with a dozen pairs +of the whitest kid gloves at a time: these he would divert himself with drawing +on me, and then biting off their finger ends; all which fooleries of a silly +appetite, the old gentleman paid more liberally for, than most others did for +more essential favours. This lasted till a violent cough, seizing and laying +him up, delivered me from this most innocent and insipid trifler, for I never +heard more of him after his first retreat. +</p> + +<p> +You may be sure a by-job of this sort interfered with no other pursuit, or plan +of life; which I led, in truth, with a modesty and reserve that was less the +work of virtue than of exhausted novelty, a glut of pleasure, and easy +circumstances, that made me indifferent to any engagements in which pleasure +and profit were not eminently united; and such I could, with the less +impatience, wait for at the hands of time and fortune, as I was satisfied I +could never mend my pennyworths, having evidently been served at the top of the +market, and even been pampered with dainties: besides that, in the sacrifice of +a few momentary impulses, I found a secret satisfaction in respecting myself, +as well as preserving the life and freshness of my complexion. Louisa and Emily +did not carry indeed their reserve so high as I did; but still they were far +from cheap or abandoned, though two of their adventures seemed to contradict +this general character, which, for their singularity, I shall give you in +course, beginning first with Emily’s: +</p> + +<p> +Louisa and she went one night to a ball, the first in the habit of a +shepherdess, Emily in that of a shepherd: I saw them in their dresses before +they went, and nothing in nature could represent a prettier boy than this last +did, being so fair and well limbed. They had kept together for some time, when +Louisa, meeting an old acquaintance of hers, very cordially gives her companion +the slip, and leaves her under the protection of her boy’s habit, which +was not much, and of her discretion, which was, it seems, still less. Emily, +finding herself deserted, sauntered thoughtless about a while, and, as much for +coolness and air as any thing else, at length pulled off her mask and went to +the sideboard; where, eyed and marked out by a gentleman in a very handsome +domino, she was accosted by, and fell into chat with him. The domino, after a +little discourse, in which Emily doubtless distinguished her good nature and +easiness more than her wit, began to make violent love to her, and drawing her +insensibly to some benches at the lower end of the masquerade room, got her to +sit by him, where he squeezed her hands, pinched her cheeks, praised and played +with her fine hair, admired her complexion, and all in a style of courtship +dashed with a certain oddity, that not comprehending the mystery of, poor Emily +attributed to his falling in with the humour of her disguise; and being +naturally not the cruellest of her profession, began to incline to a parley on +those essentials. But here was the stress of the joke: he took her really for +what she appeared to be, a smock-faced boy; and she, forgetting her dress, and +of course ranging quite wide of his ideas, took all those address to be paid to +herself as a woman, which she precisely owed to his not thinking her one. +However, this double error was pushed to such a height on both sides, that +Emily, who saw nothing in him but a gentleman of distinction by those points of +dress to which his disguise did not extend, warmed too by the wine he had plyed +her with, and the caresses he had lavished upon her, suffered herself to be +persuaded to go to a bagnio with him; and thus, losing sight of Mrs. +Cole’s cautions, with a blind confidence, put herself into his hands, to +be carried wherever he pleased. For his part, equally blinded by his wishes, +whilst here gregious simplicity favoured his deception more than the most +exquisite art could have done, he supposed, no doubt, that he had lighted on +some soft simpleton, fit for his; purpose, or some kept minion broken to his +hand, who understood him perfectly well, and entered into his designs. But, be +that as it would, he led her to a coach, went into it with her, and brought her +to a very handsome apartment, with a bed in it; but whether it was a bagnio or +not, she could not tell, having spoken to nobody but himself. But when they +were alone together, and her inamorato began to proceed to those extremities +which instantly discover the sex, she remarked, that no description could paint +up to the life, the mixture of pique, confusion and disappointment, that +appeared in his countenance, joined to the mournful exclamation: “By +heavens, a woman!” This at once opened her eyes, which had been shut in +downright stupidity. However, as if he had meant to retrieve that escape, he +still continued to toy with and fondle her, but with so staring an alteration +from extreme warmth into a chill and forced civility, that even Emily herself +could not but take notice of it, and now began to wish she had paid more regard +to Mrs. Cole’s premonitions against ever engaging with a stranger. And +now an excess of timidity succeeded to an excess of confidence, and she thought +herself so much at his mercy and discretion, that she stood passive throughout +the whole progress of his prelude: for now, whether the impressions of so great +a beauty had even made him forgive her sex, or whether her appearance or figure +in that dress still humoured his first illusion, he recovered by degrees a good +part of his first warmth, and keeping Emily with her breeches still unbuttoned, +stript them down to her knees, and gently impelling her to lean down, with her +face against the bed-side, placed her so, that the double way, between the +double rising behind, presented the choice fair to him, and he was so fairly +set on a mis-direction, as to give the girl no small alarms for fear of losing +a maidenhead she had not dreamt of. However, her complaints, and a resistance, +gentle, but firm, checked and brought him to himself again; so that turning his +steed’s head, he drove him at length in the right road, in which his +imagination having probably made the most of those resemblances that flattered +his taste, he got, with much ado, to his journey’s end: after which, he +led her out himself, and walking with her two or three streets length, got her +a chair, when making her a present not any thing inferior to what she could +have expected, he left her, well recommended to the chairmen, who, on her +directions, brought her home. +</p> + +<p> +This she related to Mrs. Cole and me the same morning, not without the visible +remains of the fear and confusion she had been in, still stamped on her +countenance. Mrs. Cole’s remark was, that her indiscretion proceeding +from a constitutional facility, there were little hopes of any thing curing her +of it, but repeated severe experience. Mine was, that I could not conceive how +it was possible for mankind to run into a taste, not only universally odious, +but absurd, and impossible to gratify; since, according to the notions and +experience I had of things, it was not in nature to force such immense +disproportions. Mrs. Cole only smiled at my ignorance, and said nothing towards +my undeception, which was not affected but by ocular demonstration, some months +after, which a most singular accident furnished me, and which I will here set +down, that I may not return again to so disagreeable a subject. +</p> + +<p> +I had, on a visit intended to Harriet, who had taken lodgings at Hampton-court, +hired a chariot to go out thither, Mrs. Cole having, promised to accompany me; +but some indispensable business intervening, to detain her, I was obliged to +set out alone; and scarce had I got a third of my way, before the axle-tree +broke down, and I was well off to get out, safe and unhurt, into a +public-house, of a tolerable handsome appearance, on the road. Here the people +told me that the stage would come by in a couple of hours at farthest, upon; +which, determining to wait for it, sooner than lose the jaunt I had got so far +forward on, I was carried into a very clean decent room, up one pair of stairs, +which I took possession of for the time I had to stay, in right of calling for +sufficient to do the house justice. +</p> + +<p> +Here, whilst I was amusing myself with looking out of the window, a single +horse-chaise stopt at the door, out of which lightly leaped two young’ +gentlemen, for so they seemed, who came in only as it were to bait and refresh +a little, for they gave their horse to be held in readiness against they came +out. And presently I heard the door of the next room, where they were let in, +and called about them briskly; and as soon as they were served, I could just +hear that they shut and fastened the door on the inside. +</p> + +<p> +A spirit of curiosity, far from sudden, since I do not know when I was without +it, prompted me, without any particular suspicion, or other drift or view, to +see what they were, and examine their persons and behaviour. The partition of +our rooms was one of those moveable ones that, when taken down, served +occasionally to lay them into one, for the conveniency of as larger company; +and now, my nicest search could not shew me the shadow of a peep-hole, a +circumstance which probably had not escaped the review of the parties on the +other side, whom much it stood upon not to be deceived in it; but at length I +observed a paper patch of the same colour as the wainscot, which I took to +conceal some flaw; but then it was so high, that I was obliged to stand upon a +chair to reach it, which I did as soft as possible, and, with a point of a +bodkin, soon pierced it, and opened myself espial room sufficient. And now, +applying my eye close, I commanded the room perfectly, and could see my two +young sparks romping and pulling one another about, entirely, to my +imagination, in frolic and innocent play. +</p> + +<p> +The eldest might be, on my nearest guess, towards nineteen, a tall comely young +man, in a white fustian frock, with a green velvet cape, and cut bob-wig. +</p> + +<p> +The youngest could not be above seventeen, fair, ruddy, completely well made, +and to say the truth, a sweet pretty stripling: he was too, I fancy, a country +lad, by his dress, which was a green plush frock, and breeches of the same, +white waistcoat and stockings, a jockey cap, with his yellowish hair, long and +loose, in natural curls. +</p> + +<p> +But after a look of circumspection, which I saw the eldest cast every way round +the room, probably in too much hurry and heat not to overlook the very small +opening I was posted at, especially at the height it was, whilst my eye close +to it kept the light from shining through and betraying it, he said something +to his companion that presently changed the face of things. +</p> + +<p> +For now the elder began to embrace, to press and kiss the younger, to put his +hands into his bosom, and give him such manifest signs of an amorous intention, +as made me conclude the other to be a girl in disguise: a mistake that nature +kept me in countenance for, for she had certainly made one, when she gave him +the male stamp. +</p> + +<p> +In the rashness then of their age, and bent as they were to accomplish their +project of preposterous pleasure, at the risk of the very worst of +consequences, where a discovery was nothing less than improbable, they now +proceeded to such lengths as soon satisfied me what they were. +</p> + +<p> +For presently the eldest unbuttoned the other’s breeches, and removing +the linen barrier, brought out to view a white shaft, middle sized, and scarce +fledged, when after handling and playing with it a little, with other +dalliance, all received by the boy without other opposition than certain +wayward coyness, ten times-more alluring than repulsive, he got him so turned +round, with his face from him, to a chair that stood hard by; when knowing, I +suppose, his office, the Ganymede now obsequiously leaned his head against the +back of it, and projecting his body, made a fair mark, still covered with his +shirt. As he thus stood in a side view to me, but fronting his companion, who, +presently unmasking his battery, produced an engine that certainly deserved to +be put to a better use, and very fit to confirm me in my disbelief of the +possibility of things; being pushed to odious extremities, which I had built on +the disproportion of parts; but this disbelief I was now cured of, as by my +consent all young men should likewise be, that their innocence may not be +betrayed into such snares, for want of knowing the extent of their danger: for +nothing is more certain than that ignorance of advice is by no means a guard +against it. +</p> + +<p> +Slipping, then, aside the young lad’s shirt, and tucking it up under his +clothes behind, he shewed to the open air those globular fleshy eminences that +compose the Mount Peasants of Rome, and which now, with all the narrow vale +that intersects them, stood displayed and exposed to his attack; nor could I +without a shudder behold the dispositions he made for it. First, then, +moistening well with spittle his instrument, obviously to make it glib, he +pointed, he introduced it, as I could plainly discern, not only from its +direction and my losing sight of it, but by the writhing, twisting and soft +murmured complaints of the young sufferer; but at length, the first straits of +entrance being pretty well go through, every thing seemed to move and go pretty +currently on, as on a carpet road, without much rub or resistance; and now, +passing one hand round his minions’ hips, he got hold of his red-topped +ivory toy, that stood perfectly stiff, and shewed, that if he was like his +mother behind, he was like his father before; this he diverted himself with, +whilst, with the other he wantoned with his hair, and leaning forward over his +back, drew his face, from which the boy shook the loose curls that fell over +it, in the posture he stood him in, and brought him towards his, so as to +receive a long breathed kiss; after which, renewing his driving, and thus +continuing to harass his rear, the height of the fist came on with its usual +symptoms, and dismissed the action. +</p> + +<p> +The criminal scene they acted, I had the patience to see to an end, purely that +I might gather more facts and certainty against them in my design to do their +deserts instant justice; and accordingly, when they had re-adjusted themselves; +and were preparing to go out, burning as I was with rage and indignation, I +jumped down from the chair, in order to raise the house upon them, but with +such an unlucky impetuosity, that some nail or ruggedness in the floor caught +my foot, and flung me on my face with such violence, that I fell senseless on +the ground, and lay there some time before any one came to my relief: so that +they, alarmed, I suppose, by the noise of my fall, had more than the necessary +time to make a safe retreat. This they effected, as I learnt, with a +precipitation nobody could account for, until, when come to myself, and +composed enough to speak, I acquainted those of the house with the whole +transaction I had been evidence to. +</p> + +<p> +When I came home again, and told Mrs. Cole this adventure, she very sensibly +observed to me, that “there was no doubt of the due vengeance one time or +other overtaking these miscreants, however they might escape for the present; +and that, had I been the temporal instrument of it, I should have been put to a +great deal more trouble and confusion than I imagined; that, as to the thing +itself, the less said of it was the better; but that though she might be +suspected of partiality, from its being the common cause of womankind, out of +whose mouths this practice tended to take something more than bread, yet she +protested against any mixture of passion, with a declaration extorted from her +by pure regard to truth; which was, that whatever effect this infamous passion +had in other ages and other countries, it seemed a peculiar blessing on our air +and climate, that there was a plaguespot visibly imprinted on all that are +tainted with it, in this nation at least, for that among numbers of that stamp +whom she had known, or at least were universally under the scandalous suspicion +of it, she would not name an exception hardly to one of them, whose character +was not, in all other respects, the most worthless and despicable that could +be; stript of all the manly virtues of their own sex, and filled up with only +the worst vices and follies of ours; that, in fine, they were scarce less +execrable than ridiculous in their monstrous inconsistence, of loathing and +contemning women, and at the same time apeing all their manners, airs, lisps, +scuttle, and, in general, all their little modes of affectation, which become +them at least better, than they do these unsexed, male misses.” +</p> + +<p> +But here, washing my hands of them, I re-plunge into the stream of my history, +which I may very properly ingraft a terrible sally of Louisa’s, since I +had some share in it myself, and have besides engaged myself to relate it, in +point of countenance to poor Emily. It will add, too, one more example to +thousands, in confirmation of the maxim, that women get once out of compass, +there are no lengths of licentiousness, that they are not capable of running. +</p> + +<p> +One morning then, that both Mrs. Cole and Emily were gone out for the day, and +only Louisa and I (not to mention the house-maid) were left in charge of the +house, whilst we were loitering away the time, in looking through the shop +windows, the son of a poor woman, who earned very hard bread indeed by mending +of stockings, in a stall in the neighbourhood, offered us some nosegays, ranged +round a small basket; by selling of which the poor boy eked out his +mother’s maintenance of them both: nor was he fit for any other way of +livelihood, since he was not only a perfect changeling, or idiot, but stammered +so that there was no understanding even those sounds his half-dozen animals +ideas, at most, prompted him to utter. +</p> + +<p> +The boys and servants in the neighbourhood had given him the nick-name of +good-natured Dick, from the soft simpleton’s doing every thing he was bid +at the first word, and from his naturally having no turn to mischief; then, by +the way, he was perfectly well made, stout, clean-limbed, tall of his age, as +strong as a horse, and, withal, pretty featured; so that he was not, +absolutely, such a figure to be snuffled at neither, if your nicety could, in +favour of such essentials, have dispensed with a face unwashed, hair tangled +for want of combing, and so ragged a plight, that he might have disputed points +of shew with any heathen philosopher of them all. +</p> + +<p> +This boy we had often seen, and bought his flowers, out of pure compassion, and +nothing more; but just at this time as he stood presenting us his basket, a +sudden whim, a start of wayward fancy, seized Louisa; and, without consulting +me, she calls him in, and beginning to examine his nosegays, culls out two, one +for herself, another for me, and pulling out half a crown, very currently gives +it him to change, as if she had really expected he could have changed it: but +the boy, scratching his head, made his signs explain his inability in place of +words, which he could not, with all his struggles, articulate. +</p> + +<p> +Louisa, at this, says: “Well, my lad, come up stairs with me, and I will +give you your due,” winking at the same time to me, and beckoning me to +accompany her, which I did, securing first the street-door, that by this means, +together with the shop, became wholly the care of the faithful house-maid. +</p> + +<p> +As we went up, Louisa whispered me “that she had conceived a strange +longing to be satisfied, whether the general rule held good with regard to this +changeling, and how far nature had made him amends, in her best bodily gifts, +for her denial of the sublimer intellectual ones; begin, at the same time, my +assistance in procuring her this satisfaction.” A want of complaisance +was never my vice, and I was so far from opposing this extravagant frolic, that +now, bit with the same maggot, and my curiosity conspiring with hers, I entered +plump into it, on my own account. +</p> + +<p> +Consequently, soon as we came into Louisa’s bed-chamber, whilst she was +amusing him with picking out his nosegays, I undertook the lead, and began the +attack. As it was not then very material to keep much measures with a mere +natural, I made presently free with him, though at my first motion of meddling, +his surprise and confusion made him receive my advances but awkwardly: nay, +insomuch that he bashfully shied, and shied back a little; till encouraging him +with my eyes, plucking him playfully by the hair, sleeking his cheeks, and +forwarding my point by a number of little wantonnesses, I soon turned him +familiar, and gave nature her sweetest alarm: so that aroused, and beginning to +feel himself, we could, amidst all the innocent laugh and grin I had provoked +him into, perceive the fire lighting in his eyes, and, diffusing over his +cheeks, blend its glow with that of his blushes. The emotion in short of animal +pleasure glared distinctly in the simpleton’s countenance; yet struck +with the novelty of the scene, he did not know which way to look or move; but +tame, passive, simpering, with his mouth half open, in stupid rapture, stood +and tractably suffered me to do what I pleased with him. His basket was dropt +out of his hands, which Louisa took care of. +</p> + +<p> +I had now, through more than one rent, discovered and felt his thighs, the skin +of which seemed the smoother and fairer for the coarseness, and even the dirt +of his dress, as the teeth of negroes seem the whiter for the surrounded black; +and poor indeed of habit, poor of understanding, he was, however, abundantly +rich in personal treasures, such as flesh, firm, plump, and replete with the +juices of youth, and robust well-knit limbs. My fingers too had now got within +reach of the true, the genuine sensitive plant, which, instead of shrinking +from the touch, joys to meet it, and swells and vegetates under it: mine +pleasingly informed me that matters were so ripe for the discovery we +meditated, that they were too mighty for the confinement they were ready to +break. A waistband that I unskewered, and a rag of a shirt that I removed, and +which could not have covered a quarter of it, revealed the whole of the +idiot’s standard of distinction, erect, in full pride and display: but +such a one! it was positively of so tremendous a size, that prepared as we were +to see something extraordinary, it still, out of measure, surpassed our +expectation, and astonished even me, who had not been used to trade in trifles. +In fine, it might have answered very well the making a skew of; its enormous +head seemed, in hue and size, not unlike a common sheep’s heart; then you +might have trolled dice securely along the broad back of the body of it; the +length of it too was prodigious; then the rich appendage of the treasure-bag +beneath, large in proportion, gathered and crisped up round in shallow furrows, +helped to fill the eye, and complete the proof of his being a natural, not +quite in vain; since it was full manifest that he inherited, and largely too, +the prerogative of majesty which distinguishes that otherwise most unfortunate +condition, and gave rise to the vulgar saying “That a fool’s bauble +is a lady’s playfellow.” Not wholly without reason: for, generally +speaking, it is in love as it is in war, where the longest weapon carries it. +Nature, in short, had done so much for him in those parts, that she perhaps +held herself acquitted in doing so little for his head. +</p> + +<p> +For my part, who had sincerely no intention to push the joke further than +simply satisfying my curiosity with the sight of it alone, I was content, in +spite of the temptation that stared me in the face, with having raised a +May-pole for another to hang a garland on: for, by this time, easily reading +Louisa’s desires in her wishful eyes, I acted the commodious part, and +made her, who sought no better sport, significant terms of encouragement to go +through stitch with her adventure; intimating too that I would stay and see +fair play: in which, indeed, I had in view to humour a new born curiosity, to +observe what appearances active nature would put on in a natural, in the course +of this her darling operation. +</p> + +<p> +Louisa, whose appetite was up, and who, like the industrious bee, was, it +seems, not above gathering the sweet of so rare a flower, though she found it +planted on a dunghill, was but too readily disposed to take the benefit of my +cession. Urged then strongly by her own desires, and emboldened by me, she +presently determined to risk a trial of parts with the idiot, who was by this +time nobly inflamed for her purpose, by all the irritation we had used to put +the principles of pleasure effectually into motion, and to wind up the springs +of its organ to their supreme pitch; and it stood accordingly stiff and +straining, ready to burst with the blood and spirits that swelled it... to a +bulk! No! I shall never forget it. +</p> + +<p> +Louisa then, taking and holding the fine handle that so invitingly offered +itself, led the ductile youth, by that mastertool of his, as she stept backward +towards the bed; which he joyfully gave way to, under the incitations of +instinct, and palpably delivered up to the goad of desire. +</p> + +<p> +Stopped then by the bed, she took the fall she loved, and leaned to the most, +gently backward upon it, still holding fast what she held, and taking care to +give her clothes a convenient toss up, so that her thighs duly disclosed, and +elevated, laid open all the outward prospect of the treasury of love: the +rose-lipt overture presenting the cockpit so fair, that it was not in nature +even for a natural to miss it. Nor did he: for Louisa, fully bent on grappling +with it, and impatient of dalliance or delay, directed faithfully the point of +the battering-piece, and bounded up with a rage of so voracious appetite, to +meet and favour the thrust of insertion, that the fierce activity on both sides +effected it with such pain of distention, that Louisa cried out violently, that +she was hurt beyond bearing, that she was killed. But it was too late: the +storm was up, and force was on her to give way to it; for now the man-machine, +strongly worked upon by the sensual passion, felt so manfully his advantages +and superiority, felt withal the sting of pleasure so intolerable, that +maddening with it, his joys began to assume a character of furiousness, which +made me tremble for the too tender Louisa. He seemed, at this juncture, greater +than himself; his countenance, before so void of meaning, or expression, now +grew big with the importance of the act he was upon. In short, it was not now +that he was to be played the fool with. But, what is pleasant enough, I myself +was awed into a sort of respect for him, by the comely terrors his motions +dressed him in: his eyes shooting sparks of fire; his face glowing with ardours +that gave another life to it; his teeth churning; his whole frame agitated with +a raging ungovernable impetuosity: all sensibly betraying the formidable +fierceness with which the genial instinct acted upon him. Butting then and +goring all before him, and mad and wild like an ower-driven steer, he ploughs +up the tender furrow all insensible to Louisa’s complaints; nothing can +stop, nothing can keep out a fury like his: with which, having once got its +head in, its blind rage soon made way for the rest, piercing, rending, and +breaking open all obstruction. The torn, split, wounded girl cries, struggles, +invokes me to her rescue, and endeavours to get from under the young savage, or +shake him off, but alas! in vain: her breath, might as soon have strength to +have quelled his rough assault, or put him out of his course. And indeed, all +her efforts and struggles were managed with such disorder, that they served +rather to entangle, and fold her the faster in the twine of his boisterous +arms; so that she was tied to the stake, and obliged to fight the match out, if +she died for it. For his part, instinct-ridden as he was, the expressions of +his animal passion, partaking something of ferocity, were rather worrying than +kisses, intermixed with ravenous love-bites on her cheeks and necks, the prints +of which did not wear out for some days after. +</p> + +<p> +Poor Louisa, however, bore up at length better than could have been expected: +and though she suffered, and greatly too, yet, ever true to the good old cause, +she suffered with pleasure and enjoyed her pain. And soon now, by dint of an +enraged enforcement, the brute-machine, driven like a whirlwind, made all smoke +again, and wedging its way up, to the utmost extremity, left her, in point of +penetration, nothing to fear or to desire: and now, +</p> + +<p class="poem"> +“Gorged with the dearest morsel of the earth,”<br/> +(Shakespeare.) +</p> + +<p> +Louisa lay, pleased to the heart, pleased to her utmost capacity of being so, +with every fibre in those parts, stretched almost to breaking, on a rack of +joy, whilst the instrument of all this over-fullness searched her senses with +its sweet excess, till the pleasure gained upon her so, its point stung her so +home, that catching at length the rage from her furious driver and sharing the +riot of his wild rapture, she went wholly out of her mind into that favourite +part of her body, the whole intenseness of which was so fervously filled, and +employed: there alone she existed, all lost in those delirious transports, +those extasies of the senses, which her winking eyes, the brightened vermilion +of her lips and cheeks, and sighs of pleasure deeply fetched, so pathetically +expressed. In short, she was now as mere a machine as much wrought on, and had +her motions as little at her own command, as the natural himself, who, thus +broke in upon her, made her feel with a vengeance his tempestuous mettle he +battered with; their active loins quivered again with the violence of their +conflict, till the surge of pleasure, foaming and raging to a height, drew down +the pearly shower that was, to allay this hurricane. The purely sensitive idiot +then first shed those tears of joy that attend its last moments, not without an +agony of delight, and even almost a roar of rapture, as the gush escaped him; +so sensibly too for Louisa, that she kept him faithful company, going off, in +consent, with the old symptoms: a delicious delirium, a tremendous convulsive +shudder, and the critical dying: Oh! And now, on his getting off she lay +pleasure-drenched, and regorging its essential sweets; but quite spent, and +gasping for breath, without other sensation of life than in those exquisite +vibrations that trembled still on the strings of delight; which had been too +intensively touched, and which nature had so ravishingly stirred with, for the +senses to be quickly at peace from. +</p> + +<p> +As for the changeling, whose curious engine had been thus successfully played +off, his shift of countenance and gesture had even something droll, or rather +tragi-comic in it: there was now an air of sad repining foolishness, superadded +to his natural one of no meaning and idiotism, as he stood with his label of +manhood, now lank, unstiffened, becalmed, and flapping against his thighs, down +which it reached half way, terrible even in its fall, whilst under the +dejection of spirit and flesh, which naturally followed his eyes, by turns, +cast down towards his struck standard, or piteously lifted to Louisa, seemed to +require at her hands what he had so sensibly parted from to her, and now +ruefully missed. But the vigour of nature, soon returning, dissipated the blast +of faintness which the common law of enjoyment had subjected him to; and now +his basket re-became his main concern, which I looked for, and brought him, +whilst Louisa restored his dress to its usual condition, and afterwards pleased +him perhaps more by taking all his flowers off his hands, and paying him, at +his rate, for them, than if she had embarrassed him by a present, that he would +have been puzzled to account for, and might have put others on tracing the +motives of. +</p> + +<p> +Whether she ever returned to the attack I know not, and, to say truth, I +believe not. She had had her freak out, and had pretty plentifully drowned her +curiosity in a glut of pleasure, which, as it happened, had no other +consequence than that the lad, who retained only a confused memory of the +transaction, would, when he saw her, forget her in favour of the next woman, +tempted, on the report of his parts, to take him in. Louisa herself did not +long outstay this adventure at Mrs. Cole’s (to whom, by the bye, we took +care not to boast of our exploit, till all fear of consequences were clearly +over): for an occasion presenting itself of proving her passion for a young +fellow, at the expense of her discretion, proceeding all in character, she +packed up her toilet, at half a day’s warning, and went with him abroad, +since which I entirely lost sight of her, and it never fell in my way to hear +what became of her. +</p> + +<p> +But a few days after she had left us, two very occasion, not to wrong our +training at Mrs. Cole’s, especially favourites, and free of her academy, +easily obtained her consent for Emily’s and my acceptance of a party of +pleasure, at a little but agreeable house, belonging to one of them situated +not far up the river Thames, on the Surrey side. +</p> + +<p> +Every thing being settled, and it being a fine summer day, but rather of the +warmest, we set out after dinner, and got to our rendezvous about four in the +afternoon; where, landing at the foot of a neat, joyous pavilion, Emily and I +were handed into it by our esquires, and there drank tea with a cheerfulness +and gaiety, that the beauty of the prospect, the serenity of the weather, and +the tender politeness of our sprightly gallants, naturally led us into. +</p> + +<p> +After tea, and taking a turn in the garden, my particular, who was the master +of the house, and had in no sense schemed this party of pleasure for a dry one, +proposed to us, with that frankness which his familiarity at Mrs. Cole’s +entitled him to, as the weather was excessively hot, to bathe together, under a +commodious shelter that he had prepared expressly for that purpose, in a creek +of the river, with which a side-door of the pavilion immediately communicated, +and where we might be sure of having our diversion out, safe from interruption, +and with the utmost privacy. +</p> + +<p> +Emily, who never refused anything, and I, who ever delighted in bathing, and +had no exception to the person who proposed it, or to those pleasure it was +easy to guess it implied, took care, on this occasion, not to wrong our +training at Mrs. Cole’s, and agreed to it with as good a grace as we +could. Upon which, without loss of time, we returned instantly to the pavilion, +one door of which opened into a tent, pitched before it, that with its +marquise, formed a pleasing defense again the sun, or the weather, and was +besides as private as we could wish. The lining of it, embossed cloth, +represented a wild forest foliage, from the top, down to the sides, which, in +the same stuff, were figured with fluted pilasters, with their spaces between +filled with flower vases, the whole having a pay effect croon the eye, wherever +you turned it. +</p> + +<p> +Then it reached sufficiently into the water, yet contained convenient benches +round it, on the dry ground, either to keep our clothes, or..., or..., in short +for more uses than resting upon. There was a side-table too, loaded with +sweetmeats, jellies, and other eatables, and bottles of wine and cordials, by +way of occasional relief from any rawness, or chill of the water, or from any +faintness from whatever cause; and in fact, my gallant, who understood <i>chère +entiêre</i> perfectly, and who, for taste (even if you would not approve this +specimen of it) might have been comptroller of pleasures to a Roman emperor, +had left no requisite towards convenience or luxury unprovided. +</p> + +<p> +As soon as we had looked round this inviting spot, and every preliminary of +privacy was duly settled, strip was the word: when the young gentlemen soon +dispatched the undressing each his partner and reduced us to the naked +confession of all those secrets of person which dress generally hides, and +which the discovery of was, naturally speaking, not to our disadvantage. Our +hands, indeed, mechanically carried towards the most interesting part of us, +screened, at first, all from the tufted cliff downwards, till we took them away +at their desire, and employed them in doing them the same office, of helping +off with their clothes; in the process of which, there passed all the little +wantonnesses and frolics that you may easily imagine. +</p> + +<p> +As for my spark, he was presently undressed, all to his shirt, the fore-lappet +of which as he leaned languishingly on me, he smilingly pointed to me to +observe, as it bellied out, or rose and fell, according to the unruly starts of +the motion behind it; but it was soon fixed, for now taking off his shirt, and +naked as a Cupid, he shewed it me at so upright a stand, as prepared me indeed +for his application to me for instant ease; but, though the sight of its fine +size was fit enough to fire me, the cooling air, as I stood in this state of +nature, joined to the desire I had of bathing-first, enabled me to put him off, +and tranquillize him, with the remark, that a little suspense would only set a +keener edge on the pleasure. Leading them the way, and shewing our friends an +example of continency, which they were giving signs of losing respect to, we +went hand in hand into the stream, till it took us up to our necks, where the +no more than grateful coolness of the water gave my senses a delicious +refreshment from the sultriness of the season, and made more alive, more happy +in myself, and, in course, more alert, and open to voluptuous impressions. +</p> + +<p> +Here I laved and wantoned with the water, or sportively played with my +companion, leaving Emily to deal with hers at discretion. Mine, at length, not +content with making me take the plunge over head and ears, kept splashing me, +and provoking me with all the little playful tricks he could devise, and which +I strove not to remain in his debt for. We gave, in short, a loose to mirth; +and now, nothing would serve him but giving his hand the regale of going over +every part of me, neck, breast, belly, thighs, and all the <i>et cætera</i>, so +dear to the imagination, under the pretext of washing and rubbing them; as we +both stood in the water, no higher now than the pit of our stomachs, and which +did not hinder him from feeling, and toying with that leak that distinguishes +our sex, and it so wonderfully water-tight: for his fingers, in vain dilating +and opening it, only let more flame than water into it, be it said without a +figure. At the same time he made me feel his own engine, which was so well +wound up, as to stand even the working in water, and he accordingly threw one +arm round my neck, and was endeavouring to get the better of that harsher +construction bred by the surrounding fluid; and had in effect one his way so +far as to make me sensible of the pleasing stretch of those nether lips, from +the in-driving machine; when, independent of my not liking that awkward mode of +enjoyment, I could not help interrupting him, in order to become joint +spectators of a plan of joy, in hot operation between Emily and her partner; +who impatient of the fooleries and dalliance of the bath, had led his nymph to +one of the benches on the green bank, where he was very cordially proceeding to +teach her the difference betwixt jest and earnest. +</p> + +<p> +There, setting her on his knee, and gliding one hand over the surface of that +smooth polished snow-white skin of hers, which now doubly shone with a +dew-bright lustre, and presented to the touch something like what one would +imagine of animated ivory, especially in those ruby-nippled globes, which the +touch is so fond of and delights to make love to, with the other he was +lusciously exploring the sweet secret of nature, in order to make room for a +stately piece of machinery, that stood up-reared, between her thighs, as she +continued sitting on his lap, and pressed hard for instant intromission, which +the tender Emily, in a fit of humour deliciously protracted, affected to +decline, and elude the very pleasure she sighed for, but in a style of +waywardness, so prettily put on, and managed, as to render it ten times more +poignant; then her eyes, all amidst the softest dying languishment, expressed, +ait once a mock denial and extreme desire, whilst her sweetness was zested with +a coyness so pleasingly provoking, her moods of keeping him off were so +attractive, that they redoubled the impetuous rage with, which, he covered her +with kisses: and kisses that, whilst she seemed to shy from or scuffle for, the +cunning wanton contrived such sly returns, of, as were, doubtless the sweeter +for the gust she gave them, of being stolen ravished. +</p> + +<p> +Thus Emily, who knew no art but that which nature itself, in favour of her +principal end, pleasure, had inspired her with, the art of yielding, +coy’d it indeed, but coy’d it to the purpose; for with all her +straining, her wrestling, and striving to break from the clasp of his arms, she +was so far wiser yet than to mean it, that in her struggles, it was visible she +aimed at nothing more than multiplying points of touch with him, and drawing +yet closer the folds that held them every where entwined, like two tendrils of +a vine intercurling: together: so that the same effect, as when Louisa strove +in good earnest to disengage from the idiot, was now produced by different +motives. +</p> + +<p> +Mean while, their emersion out of the cold water had caused a general glow, a +tender suffusion of heightened carnation over their bodies; both equally white +and smooth-skinned; so that as their limbs were thus amorously interwoven, in +sweet confusion, it was scarce possible to distinguish who they respectively +belonged to, but for the brawnier, bolder muscles of the stronger sex. +</p> + +<p> +In a little time, however, the champion was fairly in with her, and had tied at +all points the true lover’s knot; when now, adieu all the little +refinements of a finessed reluctance; adieu the friendly feint! She was +presently driven forcibly out of the power of using any art; and indeed, what +art must not give way, when nature, corresponding with her assailant, invaded +in the heart of her capital and carried by storm, lay at the mercy of the proud +conqueror, who had made his entry triumphantly and completely? Soon, however, +to become a tributary: for the engagement growing hotter and hotter, at close +quarters, she presently brought him to the pass of paying down the dear debt to +nature; which she had no sooner collected in, but, like a duellist who has laid +his antagonist at his feet, when he has himself received a mortal wound, Emily +had scarce time to plume herself upon her victory, but, shot with the same +discharge, she, in a loud expiring sigh, in the closure of her eyes, the +stretch-out of her limbs, and a remission of her whole frame, gave manifest +signs that all was as it should be. +</p> + +<p> +For my part, who had not with the calmest patience stood in the water all this +time, to view this warm action, I leaned tenderly on my gallant, and at the +close of it, seemed to ask him with my eyes, what he thought of it; but he, +more eager to satisfy me by his actions than by words or looks, as we shoaled +the water towards the shore, showed me the staff of love so intensely set up, +that had not even charity, beginning at home in this case, urged me to our +mutual relief, it would have been cruel indeed to have suffered the youth to +burst with straining, when the remedy was so obvious and so near at hand. +</p> + +<p> +Accordingly we took a bench, whilst Emily and her spark, who belonged it seems +to the sea, stood at the side-board, drinking to our good voyage: for, as the +last observed, we were well under weigh, with a fair wind up channel, and +full-freighted; nor indeed were we long before we finished our trip to Cythera, +and unloaded in the old haven; but, as the circumstances did not admit of much +variation, I shall spare you the description. +</p> + +<p> +At the same time, allow me to place you here an excuse I am conscious of owing +you, for having, perhaps, too much affected the figurative style; though +surely, it can pass nowhere more allowable than in a subject which is so +properly the province of poetry, nay, is poetry itself, pregnant with every +flower of imagination and loving metaphors, even were not the natural +expressions, for respects of fashion and sound, necessarily forbidden. +</p> + +<p> +Resuming now my history, you may please to know, that what with a competent +number of repetitions, all in the same strain (and, by the bye, we have a +certain natural sense that those repetitions are very much to the taste), what +with a circle of pleasures delicately varied, there was not a moment lost to +joy all the time we staid there, till late in the night we were re-escorted +home by our esquires, who delivered us safe to Mrs. Cole, with generous thanks +for our company. +</p> + +<p> +This too was Emily’s last adventure in our way: for scarce a week after, +she was, by an accident too trivial to detail to you the particulars, found out +by her parents, who were in good circumstances, and who had been punished for +their partiality to their son, in the loss of him, occasioned by a circumstance +of their over indulgence to his appetite; upon which the so long engrossed +stream of fondness, running violently in favour of this lost and inhumanly +abandoned child whom if they had not neglected enquiry about, they might long +before have recovered, they were now so over-joyed at the retrieval of her, +that, I presume, it made them much less strict in examining the bottom of +things: for they seemed very glad to take for granted, in the lump, every thing +that the grave and decent Mrs. Cole was pleased to pass upon them; and soon +afterwards sent her, from the country, handsome acknowledgment. +</p> + +<p> +But it was not so easy to replace to our community the loss of so sweet a +member of it: for, not to mention her beauty, she was one of those mild, pliant +characters, that if one does not entirely esteem, one can scarce help loving, +which is not such a bad compensation neither. Owing all her weaknesses to good +nature, and an indolent facility that kept her too much at the mercy of first +impressions, she had just sense enough to know that she wanted leading strings, +and thought herself so much obliged to any who would take the pains to think +for her, and guide her, that with a very little management, she was capable of +being made a most agreeable, nay a most virtuous wife: for vice, it is +probable, had never been her choice, or her fate, if it had not been for +occasion, or example, or had she not depended less upon herself than upon her +circumstances. This presumption her conduct afterwards verified: for presently +meeting with a match, that was ready cut and dry for her, with a +neighbour’s son of her own rank, and a young man of sense and order, who +took as the widow of one lost at sea (for so it seems one of her gallants, +whose name she had made free with, really was), she naturally struck into all +the duties of her domestic life, with as much simplicity of affection, with as +much constancy and regularity, as if she had never swerved from a state of +undebauched innocence from her youth. +</p> + +<p> +These desertions had, however, now so far thinned Mrs. Cole’s cluck that +she was left with only me, like a hen with one chicken; but though she was +earnestly entreated and encouraged to recruit her crops, her growing +infirmities, and, above all, the tortures, of a stubborn hip gout, which she +found would yield to no remedy, determined her to break up her business, and +retire with a decent pittance into the country, where I promised myself, +nothing so sure, as my going down to live with her, as soon as I had seen a +little more of life, and improved my small matters into a competency that would +create in me an independence on the world: for I was now, thanks to Mrs. Cole, +wise enough to keep that essential in view. +</p> + +<p> +Thus was I then to lose my faithful preceptress, as did the philosophers of the +town the white crow of her profession. For besides that she never ransacked her +customers, whose tastes too she ever studiously consulted, she never racked her +pupils with unconscionable extortions, nor ever put their hard earnings, as she +called them, under the contribution of poundage. She was a severe enemy to the +seduction for innocence, and confined her acquisitions solely to those +unfortunate young women, who, having lost it, were but the juster objects of +compassion: among these, indeed, she picked out such as suited her views and +taking them under her protection, rescued them from the danger of the public +sinks of ruin and misery, to place, or for them, well or ill, in the manner you +have seen. Having then settled her affairs, she set out on her journey, after +taking the most tender leave of me, and at the end of some excellent +instructions, recommending me to myself, with an anxiety perfectly maternal. In +short, she affected me so much, that I was not presently reconciled to myself +for suffering her at any rate to go without me; but fate had, it seems, +otherwise disposed of me. +</p> + +<p> +I had, on my separation from Mrs. Cole, taken a pleasant convenient house at +Marylebone, but easy to rent and manage from its smallness, which I furnished +neatly and modestly. There, with a reserve of eight hundred pounds, the fruit +of my deference to Mrs. Cole’s counsels, exclusive of clothes, some +jewels, and some plate, I saw myself in purse for a long time, to wait without +impatience for what the chapter of accidents might produce in my favour. +</p> + +<p> +Here, under the new character of a young gentlewoman whose husband was gone to +sea, I had marked me out such lines of life and conduct, as leaving me a +competent liberty to pursue my views either out of pleasure or fortune, bounded +me nevertheless strictly within the rules of decency and discretion: a +disposition, in which you cannot escape observing a true pupil of Mrs. Cole. +</p> + +<p> +I was scarce, however, well warm in my new abode, when going out one morning +pretty early to enjoy the freshness of it, in the pleasing outlet of the +fields, accompanied only by a maid, whom I had newly hired, as we were +carelessly walking among the trees, we were alarmed with the noise of a violent +coughing: turning our heads towards which, we distinguished a plain well +dressed elderly gentleman, who, attacked with a sudden fit, was so much +overcome, as to be forced to give way to it and sit down at the foot of a tree, +where he seemed suffocating with the severity of it, being perfectly black in +the face; not less moved than frightened with which, I flew on the instant to +his relief, and using the rote of practice I had observed on the like occasion, +I loosened his cravat and clapped him on the back; but whether to any purpose, +or whether the cough had had its course, I know not, but the fit immediately +went off; and now recovered to his speech and legs, he returned me thanks with +as much emphasis as if I had saved his life. This naturally engaging a +conversation, he acquainted me where he lived, which was at a considerable +distance from where I met him, and where he had strayed insensibly on the same +intention of a morning walk. +</p> + +<p> +He was, as I afterwards learned in the course of the intimacy which this little +accident gave birth to, an old bachelor, turned of sixty, but of a fresh +vigorous complexion, insomuch that he scarce marked five and forty, having +never racked his constitution by permitting his desires to over-tax his +ability. +</p> + +<p> +As to his birth and conditions, his parents, honest and failed mechanics, had, +by the best traces he could get of them, left him an infant orphan on the +parish; so that it was from a charity-school, that, by honesty and industry, he +made his way into a merchant’s counting house, from whence, being sent to +a house in Cadiz, he there, by his talents and activity, acquired not only a +fortune, but an immense one, with which he returned to his native country; +where he could not, however, fish out so much as one single relation out of the +obscurity he was born in. Taking then a taste for refinement, and pleased to +enjoy life, like a mistress in the dark, he flowed his days in all the ease of +opulence, without the least parade of it; and, rather studying the concealment +than the shew of a fortune, looked down on a world he perfectly knew himself, +to his wish, unknown and unmarked by. +</p> + +<p> +But, as I propose to devote a letter entirely to the pleasure of retracing to +you all the particulars of my acquaintance with this ever, to me, memorable +friend, I shall, in this, transiently touch on no more than may serve, as +mortar, to cement, or form the connection of my history, and to obviate your +surprise that one of my blood and relish of life, should count a gallant of +three score such a catch. +</p> + +<p> +Referring then to a more explicit narrative, to explain by what progressions +our acquaintance, certainly innocent at first, insensibly changed nature, and +run into unplatonic length, as might well be expected from one of my condition +of life, and above all, from that principle of electricity that scarce ever +fails of producing fire when the sexes meet. I shall only here acquaint you, +that as age had not subdued his tenderness for our sex, neither had it robbed +him of the power of pleasing, since whatever he wanted in the bewitching charms +of youth, he atoned for, or supplemented with the advantages of experience, the +sweetness of his manners, and above all, his flattering address in touching the +heart, by an application to the understanding. From him it was I first learned, +to any purpose, and not without infinite pleasure, that I had such a portion of +me worth bestowing some regard on; from him I received my first essential +encouragement, and instructions how to put it in that train of cultivation, +which I have since pushed to the little degree of improvement you see it at; he +it was, who first taught me to be sensible that the pleasures of the mind were +superior to those of the body; at the same time, that they were so far from +obnoxious to, or, incompatible with each other, that, besides the sweetness in +the variety and transition, the one served to exalt and perfect the taste of +the other, to a degree that the senses alone can never arrive at. +</p> + +<p> +Himself a rational pleasurist; as being much too wise to be ashamed of the +pleasures of humanity, loved me indeed, but loved me with dignity; in a mean +equally removed from the sourness, of forwardness, by which age is unpleasingly +characterized, and from that childish silly dotage that so often disgraces it, +and which he himself used to turn into ridicule, and compare to an old goat +affecting the frisk of a young kid. +</p> + +<p> +In short, every thing that is generally unamiable in his season of life, was, +in him, repaired by so many advantages, that he existed a proof, manifest at +least to me, that it is not out of the power of age to please, if it lays out +to please, and if, making just allowance, those in that class do not forget, +that if must cost them more pains and attention, than what youth, the natural +spring-time of joy, stands in need of: as fruits out of season require +proportionally more skill and cultivation, to force them. +</p> + +<p> +With this gentleman, who took me home soon after our acquaintance commenced, I +lived near eight months in which time, my constant complaisance and docility, +my attention to deserve his confidence and love, and a conduct, in general, +devoid of the least art and founded on my sincere regard and esteem for him, +won and attached him so firmly to me, that, after having generously trusted me +with a genteel, independent settlement, proceeding to heap marks of affection +on me, he appointed me, by an authentic will, his sole heiress and executrix: a +disposition which he did not outlive two months, being taken from me by a +violent cold that he contracted, as he unadvisedly ran to the window, on an +alarm of fire at some streets distant, and stood there naked-breasted, and +exposed to the fatal impressions of a damp night air. +</p> + +<p> +After acquitting myself of the duty towards my deceased benefactor, and paying +him a tribute of un-feigned sorrow, which a little time changed into a most +tender, graceful memory of him, which I shall ever retain, I grew somewhat +comforted by the prospect that now opened to me, if not of happiness, at least +of affluence and independence. +</p> + +<p> +I saw myself then in the full bloom and pride of youth (for I was not yet +nineteen), actually at the head of so large a fortune, as it would have been +even the height of impudence in me to have raised my wishes, much more my hopes +to; and that this unexpected elevation did not turn my head, I owed to the +pains my benefactor had taken to form and prepare me for it, as I owed his +opinion of my management of the vast possessions he left me, to what he had +observed of the prudential economy I had learned under Mrs. Cole, the reserve +of which he saw I had made, was a proof and encouragement to him. +</p> + +<p> +But, alas! how easily in the enjoyment of the greatest sweets in life, in +present possession, poisoned by the regret of an absent one! But my regret was +a mighty and just one, since it had my only truly beloved Charles for its +object. +</p> + +<p> +Given him up I had, indeed, completely, having never once heard from him since +our separation; which, as I found afterwards, had been my misfortune, and not +his neglect, for he wrote me several letters which had all miscarried; but +forgotten him I never had. And amidst all my personal infidelities, not one had +made a pin’s point impression on a heart impenetrable to the true love +passion, but for him. +</p> + +<p> +As soon, however, as I was mistress of this unexpected fortune, I felt more +than ever how dear he was to me, from its insufficiency to make me happy, +whilst he was not to share it with me. My earliest care, consequently, was to +endeavour at getting some account of him; but all my researches produced me no +more light, than that his father had been dead for some time, not so well as +even with the world; and that Charles had reached his port of destination in +the South Seas, where, finding the estate he was sent to recover, dwindled to a +trifle, by the loss of two ships in which the bulk of his uncle’s fortune +lay, he was come away with the small remainder, and might, perhaps, according +to the best advice, in a few months return to England, from whence he had, at +the time of this my inquiry, been absent two years and seven months. A little +eternity in love! +</p> + +<p> +You cannot conceive with what joy I embraced the hopes thus given me of seeing +the delight of my heart again. But, as the term of months was assigned it, in +order to divert and amuse my impatience for his return, after settling my +affairs with much ease and security, I set out on a journey for Lancashire, +with an equipage suitable to my fortune, and with a design purely to revisit my +place of nativity, for which I could not help retaining a great tenderness; and +might naturally not be sorry to shew myself there, to the advantage I was now +in pass to do, after the report Esther Davis had spread of my being spirited +away to the plantations; for on no other supposition could she account for the +suppression of myself to her, since her leaving me so abruptly at the inn. +Another favourite intention I had, to look out for my relations, though I had +none but distant ones, and prove a benefactress to them. Then Mrs. Cole’s +place of retirement lying in my way, was not amongst the least of the pleasures +I had proposed to myself in this expedition. +</p> + +<p> +I had taken nobody with me but a discreet decent woman, to figure it as my +companion, besides my servants; and was scarce got into an inn, about twenty +miles from London, where I was to sup and pass the night, when such a storm of +wind and rain come on, as made me congratulate myself on having got under +shelter before it began. +</p> + +<p> +This had continued a good half an hour, when bethinking me of some directions +to be given to the coachman, I sent for him, not caring that his shoes should +soil the very clean parlour, in which the cloth was laid, I stept into the hall +kitchen, where he was, and where, whilst I was talking to him, I slantingly +observed two horsemen driven in by the weather, and both wringing wet; one of +whom was asking if they could not be assisted with a change, while their +clothes were dried. But, heavens! who can express what I felt at the sound of a +voice, ever present to my heart, and that it now rebounded at! or when pointing +my eyes towards the person it came from, they confirmed its information, in +spite of so long an absence, and of a dress one would have studied for a +disguise: a horseman’s great coat, with a stamp-up cape, and his hat +flapped... but what could escape the alertness of a sense truly guided by love? +A transport then like mine was above all consideration, or schemes of surprise; +and I, that instant, with the rapidity of the emotions that I felt the spur of, +shot into his arms, crying out, as I threw mine round his neck: “My +life!... my soul!... my Charles!..” and without further power of speech, +swooned away, under the pressing agitation of joy and surprise. +</p> + +<p> +Recovered out of my entrancement, I found myself in my charmer’s arms, +but in the parlour, surrounded by a crowd which this event had gathered round +us, and which immediately, on a signal from the discreet landlady, who +currently took him for my husband, cleared the room, and desirably left us +alone to the raptures of this reunion; my joy at which had like to have proved, +at the expense of my life, its power superior to that of grief at our fatal +separation. +</p> + +<p> +The first object then, that my eyes opened on, was their supreme idol, and my +supreme wish, Charles, on one knee, holding me fast by the hand and gazing on +me with a transport of fondness. Observing my recovery, he attempted to speak, +and give vent to his patience of hearing my voice again, to satisfy him once +more that it was I; but the mightiness and suddenness of the surprise +continuing to stun him, choked his utterance: he could only stammer out a few +broken, half-formed, filtering accents, which my ears greedily drinking in, +spelt, and put together, so as to make out their sense: “After so +long!... so cruel an absence!... my dearest Fanny!... can it?... can it be +you?...” stifling me at the time with kisses, that, stopping my opening +mouth, at once prevented the answer that he panted for, and increased the +delicious disorder in which all my senses were rapturously lost. However, +amidst this crowd of ideas, and all blissful ones, there obtruded only one +cruel doubt that poisoned nearly all the transcendant happiness: and what was +it, but my dread of its being too excessive to be real? I trembled now with my +fear of its being no more than a dream, and of waking out of it into the +horrors of finding it one. Under this fond apprehension, imagining I could not +make too much of the present prodigious joy, before it would vanish and leave +me in the desert again, nor verify its reality too strongly, I clung to him, I +clasped him, as if to hinder him from escaping me again: “Where have you +been?... how could you... could you leave me?... Say you are still mine... that +you still love me... and thus! thus!” (kissing him as if I would +consolidated lips with him) “I forgive you... forgive my hard fortune in +favour of this restoration.” +</p> + +<p> +All these interjections breaking from me, in that wildness of expression that +justly passes for eloquence in love, drew from him all the returns my fond +heart could wish or require. Our caresses, our questions, our answers, for some +time observed no order; all crossing, or interrupting one another in sweet +confusion, whilst we exchanged hearts at our eyes, and renewed the +ratifications of a love unabated by time or absence: not a breath, not a +motion, not a gesture on either side, but what was strongly impressed with it. +Our hands, locked in each other, repeated the most passionate squeezes, so that +their fiery thrill went to the heart again. +</p> + +<p> +Thus absorbed, and concentered in this unutterable delight, I had not attended +to the sweet author of it being thoroughly wet, and in danger of catching cold; +when, in good time, the landlady, whom the appearance of my equipage (which, +bye the bye Charles knew nothing of) had gained me an interest in, for me and +mine interrupted us by bringing in a decent shift of linen and clothes; which +now, somewhat recovered into a calmer composure by the coming in of a third +person, I pressed him to take the benefit of, with a tender concern and +anxiety that made me tremble for his health. +</p> + +<p> +The landlady leaving us again, he proceeded to shift; in the act of which, +though he proceeded with all that modesty which became these first solemner +instants of our re-meeting, after so long an absence, I could not refrain +certain snatches of my eyes, lured by the dazzling discoveries of his naked +skin, that escaped him as he changed his linen, and which I could not observe +the unfaded life and complexion of without emotions of tenderness and joy, that +had himself too purely for their object, to partake of a loose or mis-timed +desire. +</p> + +<p> +He was soon dressed in these temporary clothes, which neither fitted him, nor +became the light my passion placed him in, to me at least; yet, as they were on +him, they looked extremely well, in virtue of that magic charm which love put +into every thing that he touched, or had relation to him: and where, indeed, +was that dress that a figure like his would not give grace to? For now, as I +eyed him more in detail, I could not but observe the even favourable alteration +which the time of his absence had produced in his person. +</p> + +<p> +There were still the requisite lineaments, still the same vivid vermillion and +bloom reigning in his face; but now the roses were more fully blown; the tan of +his travels, and a beard somewhat more distinguishable, had, at the expense of +no more delicacy than what he could well spare, given it an air of becoming +manliness and maturity, that symmetrized nobly with that air of distinction and +empire with which nature had stamped it, in a rare mixture with the sweetness +of it; still nothing had he lost of that smooth plumpness of flesh, which, +glowing with freshness, blooms florid to the eye, and delicious to the touch; +then his shoulders were grown more square, his shape more formed, more portly, +but still free and airy. In short, his figure showed riper, greater, and +perfecter to the experienced eye, than in his tender youth; and now he was not +much more than two and twenty. +</p> + +<p> +In this interval, however, I picked out of the broken, often pleasingly +interrupted account of himself, that he was, at that instant, actually on his +road to London, in not a very paramount plight or condition, having been +wrecked on the Irish coast for which he had prematurely embarked, and lost the +little all he had brought with him from the South Seas: so that he had not till +after great shifts and hardships, in the company of his fellow-traveller, the +captain, got so far on his journey; that so it was (having heard of his +father’s death and circumstances,) he had now the world to begin again, +on a new account: a situation, which he assured me, in a vein of sincerity, +that flowing from his heart, penetrated mine, gave him to farther pain, than +that he had not his power to make me as happy as he could wish. My fortune, you +will please to observe, I had not entered upon any overture of, reserving, to +feast myself with the surprise of it to him, in calmer instants. And, as to my +dress, it could give him no idea of the truth, not only as it was mourning, but +likewise in a style of plainness and simplicity that I had ever kept to with +studied art. He pressed me indeed tenderly to satisfy his ardent curiosity, +both with regard to my past and present state of life, since his being torn +away from me: but I found means to elude his questions, by answers that shewing +his satisfaction at no great distance, won upon him to waive his impatience, in +favour of the thorough confidence he had in my not delaying it, but for respect +I should in good time acquaint him with. +</p> + +<p> +Charles, however, thus returned to my longing arms, tender, faithful, and in +health, was already a blessing too mighty for my conception: but Charles in +distress!... Charles reduced, and broken down to his naked personal merit, was +such a circumstance, in favour of the sentiments I had for him, as exceeded my +utmost desire; and accordingly I seemed so visibly charmed, so out of time and +measure pleased at his mention of his ruined fortune, that he could account for +it no way, but that the joy of seeing him again had swallowed up every other +sense of concern. +</p> + +<p> +In the mean time, my woman had taken, all possible care of Charles’s +travelling companion; and as supper was coming in, he was introduced to me, +when I received him as became my regard for all of Charles’s acquaintance +or friends. +</p> + +<p> +We four then supped together, in the style of joy, congratulation, and pleasing +disorder that you may guess. For my part, though all these agitations had left +me not the least stomach, but for that uncloying feast, the sight of my adored +youth, I endeavoured to force it, by way of example for him, who I conjectured +must want such a recruit after riding; and, indeed, he; ate like a traveller, +but gazed at, and addressed me all the time like a lover. +</p> + +<p> +After the cloth was taken away, and the hour of repose came on, Charles and I +were, without further ceremony, in quality of man and wife, shown up together +to a very handsome apartment, and, all in course, the bed, they said, the best +in the inn. +</p> + +<p> +And here, Decency, forgive me! if once more I violate thy laws and keeping the +curtains undrawn, sacrifice thee for the last time to that confidence, without +reserve, with which I engaged to recount to you the most striking circumstances +of my youthful disorders. +</p> + +<p> +As soon, then, as we were in the room together, left to ourselves, the sight of +the bed starving the remembrance of our first joys, and the thought of my being +instantly to share it with the dear possessor of my virgin heart, moved me so +strongly, that it was well I leaned upon him, or I must have fainted again +under the overpowering sweet alarm. Charles saw into my confusion, and forgot +his own, that was scarce less, to apply himself to the removal of mine. +</p> + +<p> +But now the true refining passion had regained throughout possession of me, +with all its train of symptoms: a sweet sensibility, a tender timidity, +love-sick yearnings tempered with diffidence and modesty, all held me in a +subjection of soul, incomparably dearer to me than the liberty of heart which I +had been long, too long! the mistress of, in the course of those grosser +gallantries, the consciousness of which now made me sigh with a virtuous +confusion and regret. No real virgin, in short, in view of the nuptial bed, +could give more bashful blushes to unblemished innocence, than I did to a sense +of guilt; and indeed I loved Charles too truly not to feel severely that I did +not deserve him. +</p> + +<p> +As I kept hesitating and disconcerted under this soft distraction, Charles, +with a fond impatience, took the pains to undress me; and all I can remember +amidst the nutter and discomposure of my senses, was, some flattering +exclamation of joy and admiration, more specially at the feel of my breasts, +now set at liberty from my stays, and which panting and rising in tumultous +throbs, swelled upon his dear touch, and gave it the welcome pleasure of +finding them well formed, and un-failed in firmness. +</p> + +<p> +I was soon laid in bed, and scarce languished an instant for the darling +partner of it, before he was undressed and got between the sheets, with his +arms clasped round me, giving and taking, with gust inexpressible, a kiss of +welcome, that my heart rising to my lips stamped with its warmest impression, +concurring to my bliss, with that delicate and voluptuous emotion which Charles +alone had the secret to excite, and which constitutes the very life, the +essence of pleasure. +</p> + +<p> +Mean while, two candles lighted on a side-table near us, and a joyous wood +fire, threw a light into the bed, that took from one sense, of great importance +to our joys, all pretext for complaining of its being shut out of its share of +them; and, indeed, the sight of my idolized youth was alone, from the ardour +with which I had wished for it, without other circumstance, a pleasure to die +of. +</p> + +<p> +But as action was now a necessity to desires so much on edge as ours, Charles, +after a very short prelusive dalliance, lifting up my linen and his own, laid +the broad treasures of his manly chest close to my bosom, both beating with the +tenderest alarms: when now, the sense of his glowing body, in naked touch with +mine, took all power over my thoughts out of my own disposal, and delivered up +every faculty of the soul to the sensiblest of joys, that affecting me +infinitely more with my distinction of the person, than of the sex, now brought +my heart deliriously into play: my heart, which, eternally constant to Charles, +had never taken any part in my original sacrifices to the calls of +constitution, complaisance, or interest. But ah! what became of me, when as the +powers of solid pleasure thickened upon me, I could not help feeling the stiff +stake that had been adorned with the trophies of my despoiled virginity, +bearing hard and inflexible against one of my thighs, which I had not yet +opened, from a true principle of modesty, revived by a passion too sincere to +suffer any aiming at the false merit of difficulty, or my putting on an +impertinent mock coyness. +</p> + +<p> +I have, I believe, somewhere before remarked, that feel of that favourite piece +of manhood has, in the very nature of it, something inimitably pathetic. +Nothing can be dearer to the touch, nor can affect it with a more delirious +sensation. Think then! as a love thinks, what must be the consummate transport +of that quickest of our senses, in their central seat too! when, after so long +a deprival, it felt itself re-inflamed under the pressure of that peculiar +sceptre-member, which commands us all: but especially my darling, elect from +the face of the whole earth. And now, at its mightiest point of stiffness, it +felt to me something so subduing so active, so solid and agreeable, that I know +not what name to give its singular impression: but the sentiment of +consciousness of its belonging to my supremely beloved youth, gave me so +pleasing an agitation, and worked so strongly on my soul, that it sent all its +sensitive spirits to that organ of bliss in me, dedicated to its reception. +There, concentering to a point, like rays in a burning glass, they glowed, they +burnt with the intensest heat; the springs of pleasure were, in short, wound up +to such a pitch, I panted now with so exquisitely keen an appetite for the +eminent enjoyment, that I was even sick with desire, and unequal to support the +combination of two distinct ideas, that delightfully distracted me: for all the +thought I was capable of, was that I was now in touch, at once, with the +instrument of pleasure, and the great seal of love. Ideas that, mingling +streams, poured such an ocean of intoxicating bliss on a weak vessel, all too +narrow to contain it, that I lay overwhelmed, absorbed, lost in an abyss of +joy, and dying of nothing but immoderate delight. +</p> + +<p> +Charles then roused me somewhat out of this ecstatic distraction, with a +complaint softly murmured, amidst a crowd of kisses, at the position, not so +favourable to his desires, in which I received his urgent insistance for +admission, where that insistance was alone so engrossing a pleasure, that it +made me inconsistently suffer a much dearer one to be kept out; but how sweet +to correct such a mistake! My thighs, now obedient to the intimations of love +and nature, gladly disclose, and with a ready submission, resign up the soft +gateway to the entrance of pleasure: I see, I feel the delicious velvet tip!... +he enters me might and main, with... oh! my pen drops from here in the extasy +now present to my faithful memory! Description too deserts me, and delivers +over a task, above its strength of wing, to the imagination: but it must be an +imagination exalted by such a flame as mine that can do justice to that +sweetest, noblest of all sensations, that hailed and accompanied the stiff +insinuation all the way up, till it was at the end of its penetration, sending +up, through my eyes, the sparks of the love-fire that ran all over me and +blazed in every vein and every pore of me; a system incarnate of joy all over. +</p> + +<p> +I had now totally taken in love’s true arrow from the point up to the +feather, in that part, where making no new wound, the lips or the original one +of nature, which had owed its first breathing to this dear instrument, clung, +as if sensible of gratitude, in eager suction round it, whilst all its inwards +embraced it tenderly, with a warmth of gust, a compressive energy, that gave +it, in its way, the heartiest welcome in nature; every fibre there gathering +tight round it, and straining ambitiously to come in for its share of the +blissful touch. +</p> + +<p> +As we were giving them a few moments pause to the the delectations of the +senses, in dwelling with the highest relish on this intimatest point of +re-union, and chewing the cud of enjoyment, the impatience natural to the +pleasure soon drove us into action. Then began the driving tumult on his side, +and the responsive heaves on mine, which kept me up to him; whilst, as our joys +grew too great for utterance, the organs of our voices, voluptuously +intermixing, became organs of the touch... how delicious!... how poignantly +luscious!... And now! now I felt, to the heart of me! I felt the prodigious +keen edge, with which love, presiding over this act, points the pleasure: love! +that may be styled the Attic salt of enjoyment; and indeed, without it, the +joy, great as it is, is still a vulgar one, whether in a king or a beggar; for +it is, undoubtedly, love alone that refines, ennobles, and exalts it. +</p> + +<p> +Thus, happy, then, by the heart, happy by the senses, it was beyond all power, +even of thought, to form the conception of a greater delight than what I now am +consummating the fruition of. +</p> + +<p> +Charles, whose whole frame was convulsed with the agitation of his rapture, +whilst the tenderest fires trembled in his eyes, all assured me of a perfect +concord of joy, penetrated me so profoundly, touched me so vitally, took me so +much out of my own possession, whilst he seemed himself so much in mine, that +in a delicious enthusiasm, I imagined such a transfusion of heart and spirit, +as that coalescing, and making one body and soul with him, I was he, and he me. +</p> + +<p> +But all this pleasure tending, like life from its first instants, towards its +own dissolution, lived too fast not to bring on upon the spur its delicious +moment of mortality; for presently the approach of the tender agony discovered +itself by its usual signals, that were quickly followed by my dear +lover’s emanation of himself, that spun out, and shot, feelingly indeed! +up the ravished indraught: where the sweetly soothing balmy titillation opened +all the juices of joy on my side, which ecstatically in flow helped to allay +the prurient glow, and drowned our pleasure for a while. Soon, however, to be +on float again! for Charles, true to nature’s laws, in one breath, +expiring and ejaculating, languished not long in the dissolving trance, but +recovering spirit again, soon gave me to feel that the true mettle spring! of +his instrument of pleasure, were, by love, and perhaps, by a long vacation, +wound up too high to be let down by a single explosion: his stiffnesss till +stood my friend. Resuming then the action afresh, without dislodging, or giving +me the trouble of parting from my sweet tenant, we played over again the same +opera, with the same harmony and concert: our ardours, like our love, knew no +remission; and all the tide serving my lover, lavish of his stores, and +pleasure-milked, he over-flowed me once more from the fulness of his oval +reservoirs of the genial emulsion: whilst, on my side, a convulsive grasp, in +the instant of my giving down the liquid contribution, rendered me sweetly +subservient at once to the increase of joy, and to its effusions: moving me so, +as to make me exert all those springs of the compressive exsuction, with which +the sensitive mechanism of that part thirstily draws and drains the nipple of +Love; with much such an instinctive eagerness and attachment, as to compare +great with less, kind nature engages infants at the breasts, by the pleasure +they find in the motion of their little mouths and cheeks, to extract the milky +stream prepared for their nourishment. +</p> + +<p> +But still there was no end of his vigour: this double discharge had so far from +extinguished his desires, for that time, that it had not even calmed them; and +at his age, desires are power. He was proceeding then amazingly to push it to a +third triumph, still without uncasing, if a tenderness, natural to true love, +had not inspired me with self-denial enough to spare, and not over-strain him: +and accordingly, entreating him to give himself and me quarter, I obtained, at +length, a short suspension of arms, but not before he had exultingly satisfied +me that he gave out standing. +</p> + +<p> +The remainder of the night, with what we borrowed upon the day, we employed +with unwearied fervour in celebrating thus the festival of our remeeting; and +got up pretty late in the morning, gay, brisk and alert, though rest had been a +stranger to us: but the pleasures of love had been to us, what the joy of +victory is to an army: repose, refreshment, every thing. +</p> + +<p> +The journey into the country being now entirely out of the question, and orders +having been given overnight for turning the horses’ heads towards London, +we left the inn as soon as we had breakfasted, not without a liberal +distribution of the tokens of my grateful sense of the happiness I had met with +in it. +</p> + +<p> +Charles and I were in my coach; the captain and my companion in a chaise hired +purposely for them, to leave us the conveniency of a <i>tête-à-tête</i>. +</p> + +<p> +Here, on the road, as the tumult of my senses was tolerably composed, I had +command enough of head to break properly to his the course of life that the +consequences of my separation from him had driven me into: which, at the same +time that he tenderly deplored with me, he was the less shocked at; as, on +reflecting how he had left me circumstances, he could not be entirely +unprepared for it. +</p> + +<p> +But when I opened the state of my fortune to him, and with that sincerity +which, from me to him, was so much a nature in me, I beged of him his +acceptance of it, on his own terms. I should appear to you perhaps too partial +to my passion, were I to attempt the doing his delicacy justice, I shall +content myself then with assuring you, that after his flatly refusing the +unreserved, unconditional donation that I long persecuted him in vain to +accept, it was at length, in obedience to his serious commands (for I stood out +unaffectedly, till he exerted the sovereign authority which love had given him +over me), that I yielded my consent to waive the remonstrance I did not fail of +making strongly to him, against his degrading himself, and incurring the +reflection, however unjust, of having, for respects of fortune, bartered his +honour for infamy and prostitution, in making one his wife, who thought herself +too much honoured in being but his mistress. +</p> + +<p> +The plea of love then over-ruling all objections, for him, which he could not +but read the sincerity of in a heart ever open to him, obliged me to receive +his hand, by which means I was in pass, among other innumerable blessings, to +bestow a legal parentage on those fine children you have seen by this happiest +of matches. +</p> + +<p> +Thus, at length, I got snug into port, where, in the bosom of virtue, I +gathered the only uncorrupt sweets: where, looking back on the course of vice I +had run, and comparing its infamous blandishments with the infinitely superior +joys of innocence, I could not help pitying, even in point of taste, those who, +immersed in gross sensuality, are insensible to the so delicate charms of +VIRTUE, than which even PLEASURE has not a greater friend, nor VICE a greater +enemy. Thus temperance makes men lords over those pleasures that intemperance +enslaves them to: the one, parent of health, vigour fertility cheerfulness, and +every other desirable good of life; the other, of diseases, debility, +barrenness, self-loathing, with only every evil incident to human nature. +</p> + +<p> +You laugh, perhaps, at this tail-piece of morality, extracted from me by the +force of truth, resulting from compared experiences: you think it, no doubt, +out of character; possibly too you may look on it as the paultry finesse of one +who seeks to mask a devotee to vice under a rag of a veil, impudently smuggled +from the shrine of Virtue: just as if one was to fancy one’s self +completely disguised at a masquerade, with no other change of dress than +turning one’s shoes into slippers; or, as if a writer should think to +shield a treasonable libel, by concluding it with a formal prayer for the King. +But, independent of my flattering myself that you have a juster opinion of my +sense and sincerity, give me leave to represent to you, that such a supposition +is even more injurious to Virtue than to me: since, consistently with candour +and good nature, it san have no foundation but in the falsest of fears, that +its pleasures cannot stand in comparison with those of Vice; but let truth dare +to hold it up in its most alluring light: then mark, how spurious, how low of +taste, how comparatively inferior its joys are to those which Virtue gives +sanction to, and whose sentiments are not above making even a sauce for the +senses, but a sauce of the highest relish; whilst Vices are the harpies that +infect and foul the feast. The paths of Vice are sometimes strewed with roses, +but then they are for ever infamous for many a thorn, for many a cankerworm: +those of Virtue are strewed with roses purely, and those eternally unfading +ones. +</p> + +<p> +If you do me then justice, you will esteem me perfectly consistent in the +incense I burn to Virtue. If I have painted Vice in all its gayest colours, if +I have decked it with flowers, it has been solely in order to make the +worthier, the solemner sacrifice of it to Virtue. +</p> + +<p> +You know Mr. C*** O***, you know his estate, his worth, and good sense: can +you, will you pronounce it ill meant, at least of him, when anxious for his +son’s morals, with a view to form him to virtue, and inspire him with a +fixed, a rational contempt for vice, he condescended to be his master of the +ceremonies, and led him by the hand through the most noted bawdy-houses in +town, where he took care he should be familiarized with all those scenes of +debauchery, so fit to nauseate a good taste? The experiment, you will cry, is +dangerous. True, on a fool: but are fools worth so much attention. +</p> + +<p> +I shall see you soon, and in the mean time think candidly of me, and believe me +ever, +</p> + +<p class="right"> +MADAM,<br/> +Yours, etc., etc., etc.<br/> +X X X +</p> + +<h5>THE END</h5> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 25305 ***</div> +</body> + +</html> diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a6b0962 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #25305 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/25305) diff --git a/old/2008-05-02-25305.txt b/old/2008-05-02-25305.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..fc4d99b --- /dev/null +++ b/old/2008-05-02-25305.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7925 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Memoirs Of Fanny Hill, by John Cleland + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Memoirs Of Fanny Hill + A New and Genuine Edition from the Original Text (London, 1749) + +Author: John Cleland + +Release Date: May 2, 2008 [EBook #25305] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MEMOIRS OF FANNY HILL *** + + + +Produced by a Project Gutenberg Volunteer + + + + + +MEMOIRS OF FANNY HILL + +By John Cleland + +_A new and genuine edition from the original text (London, 1749)._ + +PARIS - ISIDORE LISEUX + +Of this Edition, privately printed, there are 350 numbered copies, of +which this is number 111. + + + + +LETTER THE FIRST + +I sit down to give you an undeniable proof of my considering your +desires as indispensable orders. Ungracious then as the task may be, I +shall recall to view those scandalous stages of my life, out of which I +emerged, at length, to the enjoyment of every blessing in the power of +love, health and fortune to bestow; whilst yet in the flower of youth, +and not too late to employ the leisure afforded me by great ease and +affluence, to cultivate an understanding, naturally not a despicable +one, and which had, even amidst the whirl of loose pleasures I had been +tossed in, exerted more observation on the characters and manners of +the world than what is common to those of my unhappy profession, who, +looking on all though or reflection as their capital enemy, keep it at +as great a distance as they can, or destroy it without mercy. + +Hating, as I mortally do, all long unnecessary prefaces, I shall give +you good quarter in this, and use no farther apology, than to prepare +you for seeing the loose part of my life, written with the same liberty +that I led it. + +Truth! stark, naked truth, is the word; and I will not so much as +take the pains to bestow the strip of a gauze wrapper on it, but paint +situations such as they actually rose to me in nature, careless of +violating those laws of decency that were never made for such unreserved +intimacies as ours; and you have too much sense, too much knowledge of +the originals, to sniff prudishly and out of character at the pictures +of them. The greatest men, those of the first and most leading taste, +will not scruple adorning their private closets with nudities, though, +in compliance with vulgar prejudices, they may not think them decent +decorations of the staircase, or salon. + +This, and enough, premised, I go souse into my personal history. +My maiden name was Frances Hill. I was born at a small village near +Liverpool, in Lancashire, of parents extremely poor, and, I piously +believe, extremely honest. + +My father, who had received a maim on his limbs, that disabled him +from following the more laborious branches of country drudgery, got, +by making nets, a scanty subsistence, which was not much enlarged by my +mother's keeping a little day-school for the girls in her neighborhood. +They had had several children; but none lived to any age except myself, +who had received from nature a constitution perfectly healthy. + +My education, till past fourteen, was no better than very vulgar: +reading, or rather spelling, an illegible scrawl, and a little ordinary +plain work, composed the whole system of it; and then all my foundation +in virtue was no other than a total ignorance of vice, and the shy +timidity general to our sex, in the tender age of life, when objects +alarm or frighten more by their novelty than anything else. But then, +this is a fear too often cured at the expense of innocence, when Miss, +by degrees, begins no longer to look on a man as a creature of prey that +will eat her. + +My poor mother had divided her time so entirely between her scholars +and her little domestic cares, that she had spared very little to my +instruction, having, from her own innocence from all ill, no hint or +thought of guarding me against any. + +I was now entering on my fifteenth year, when the worst of ills befell +me in the loss of my fond, tender parents, who were both carried off by +the small-pox, within a few days of each other; my father dying first, +and thereby by hastening the death of my mother: so that I was now left +an unhappy friendless orphan (for my father's coming to settle there, +was accidental, he being originally a Kentisrman). That cruel distemper +which had proved so fatal to them, had indeed seized me, but with such +mild and favourable symptoms, that I was presently out of danger, and +what then I did not know the value of, was entirely unmarked I skip over +here an account of the natural grief and affliction which I felt on +this melancholy occasion. A little time, and the giddiness of that age, +dissipated too soon my reflections on that irreparable loss; but nothing +contributed more to reconcile me to it, than the notions that were +immediately put into my head, of going to London, and looking out for +a service, in which I was promised all assistance and advice from one +Esther Davis, a young woman that had beer down to see her friends, and +who, after the stay of a few days, was returned to her place. + +As I had now nobody left alive in the village, who had concerned enough +about what should become of me, to start any objections to this scheme, +and the woman who took care of me after my parents' death, rather +encouraged me to pursue it, I soon came to a resolution of making this +launch into the wide world, by repairing to London, in order to seek my +fortune, a phrase which, by the bye, has ruined more adventurers of both +sexes, from the country, than ever it made or advanced. + +Nor did Esther Davis a little comfort and inspirit me to venture with +her, by piquing my childish curiosity with the fine sights that were to +be seen in London: the Tombs, the Lions, the King, the Royal Family, +the fine Plays and Operas, and, in short, all the diversions which fell +within her sphere of life to come at; the detail of all which perfectly +turned the little head of me. + +Nor can I remember, without laughing, the innocent admiration, not +without a spice of envy, with which we poor girls, whose church-going +clothes did not rise above dowlas shifts and stuff gowns, beplaced with +silver: all which we imagined grew in London, and entered for a great +deal into my determination of trying to come in for my share of them. + +The idea however of having the company of a towns-woman with her, was +the trivial, and all the motives that engaged Esther to take charge of +me during my journey to town, where she told me, after the manner and +style, "as how several maids out of the country had made themselves and +all their kind for ever: that by preserving their virtue, some had +taken so with their masters, that they had married them, and kept them +coaches, and lived vastly grand and happy; and some, may-hap, came to be +Duchesses; luck was all, and why not I, as well as another?"; with other +almanacs to this purpose, which set me a tip-toe to begin this promising +journey, and to leave a place which, though my native one, contained no +relations that I had reason to regret, and was grown insupportable to +me, from the change of the tenderest usage into a cold air of charity, +with which I was entertained, even at the only friend's house that I had +the least expectation of care and protection from. She was, however, so +just to me, as to manage the turning into money the little matters that +remained to me after the debts and burial charges were allowed for, and, +at my departure, put my whole fortune into my hands; which consisted +of a very slender wardrobe, packed up in a very portable box, and eight +guineas, with seventeen shillings in silver, stowed in a spring-pouch, +which was a greater treasure than I ever had seen together, and which I +could not conceive there was a possibility of running out; and indeed, I +was so entirely taken up with the joy of seeing myself mistress of such +an immence sum, that I gave very little attention to a world of good +advice which was given me with it. + +Places, then, being taken for Esther and me in the Chester waggon, I +pass over a very immaterial scene of leave-taking, at which I droped +a few tears betwixt grief and joy; and, for the same reasons of +insignificance, skip over all that happened to me on the road, such as +the waggoner's looking liquorish on me, the schemes laid for me by some +of the passengers, which were defeated by the valiance of my guardian +Esther; who, to do her justice, took a motherly care of me, at the +same time that she taxed me for the protection by making me bear all +travelling charges, which I defrayed with the unmost cheerfulness, and +thought myself much obliged to her into the bargain. + +She took indeed great care that we were not overrated, or imposed on, as +well as of managing as frugally as possible; expensiveness was not her +vice. + +It was pretty late in a summer evening when we reached the town, in our +slow conveyance, though drawn by six at length. As we passed through +the greatest streets that led to our inn, the noise, of the coaches, the +hurry, the crowds of foot passengers, in short, the new scenery of the +shops and houses, at once pleased and amazed me. + +But guess at my mortification and surprise when we came to the inn, and +our things were landed and delivered to us, when my fellow traveller and +protectress, Esther Davis, who had used me with the utmost tenderness +during the journey, and prepared me by no preceedings signs for the +stunning blow I was to receive, when I say, my only dependence and +friend, in this strange place, all of a sudden assumed a strange and +cool air towards me, as if she dreaded my becoming a burden to her. + +Instead, then, of proffering me the continuance of her assistance and +good offices, which I relied upon, and never more wanted, she thought +herself, it seems, abundantly acquitted of her engagements to me, by +having brought me safe to my journey's end, and seeing nothing in her +procedure towards me but what natural and in order, began to embrace me +by the way of taking leave, whilst I was so confounded, so struck, +that I had not spirit or sense enough so much as to mention my hopes +or expectations from her experience, and knowledge of the place she had +brought me to. + +Whilst I stood thus stupid and mute, which she doubtless attributed to +nothing more than a concern at parting, this idea procured me perhaps a +slight alleviation of it, in the following harangue: "That now we were +got safe to London, and that she was obliged to go to her place, she +advised me by all means to get into one as soon as possible; that I need +not fear getting one; there were more places than parish-churches; that +she advised me to go to an intelligence office; that if she heard of +any thing stirring, she would find me out and let me know; that in the +meantime, I should take a private lodging, and acquaint her where to +send to me; that she wished me good luck, and hoped I should always +have the grace to keep myself honest, and not bringing a disgrace on +my parentage." With this; she took her leave of me, and left me, as it +were, on my own hands, full as lightly as I had been put into hers. + +Left thus alone, absolutely destitute and friendless I began then to +feel most bitterly the severity of this separation, the scene of which +had passed in a little room in the inn; and no sooner was her back +turned, but the affliction I felt at my helpless strange circumstances, +burst out into a flood of tears, which infinitely relieved the oppression +of my heart; though I still remained stupified, and most perfectly +perplexed how to dispose of myself. + +One of the waiters coming in, added yet more to my uncertainty, by +asking me, in a short way, if I called for anything? to which I replied +innocently: "No." But I wished him to tell me where I might get a +lodging for that night. He said he would go and speak to his mistress, +who accordingly came, and told me drily, without entering in the least +into the distress she saw me in, that I might have a bed for a shilling, +and that, as she supposed I had some friends in town (there I fetched a +deep sigh in vain!), I might provide for myself in the morning. + +It is incredible what trifling consolations the human mind will seize +in its greatest afflictions. The assurance of nothing more than a bed to +lie on that night, calmed my agonies; and being ashamed to acquaint +the mistress of the inn that I had no friends to apply to in town, I +proposed to myself to proceed, the very next morning, to an intelligence +office, to which I was furnished with written directions on the back of +a ballad, Esther had given me. There I counted on getting information +of any place that such a country girl as I might be fit for, and where +I could get into any sort of being, before my little stock should be +consumed; and as to a character, Esther had often repeated to me, that I +might depend on her managing me one; nor, however affected I was at +her leaving me thus, did I entirely cease to rely on her, as I began to +think, good-naturedly, that her procedure was all in course, and that is +was only my ignorance of life that had made me take it in the light I at +first did. + +Accordingly, the next morning I dressed myself as clean and as neat as +my rustic wardrobe would permit me; and having left my box, with special +recommendation, with the landlady, I ventured out by myself, and without +any more difficulty than can be supposed of a young country girl, barely +fifteen, and to whom every sign or shop was a gazing trap, I got to the +wished for intelligence office. + +It was kept by an elderly woman, who sat at the receipt of custom, with +a book before her in great form and order, and several scrolls made out, +of directions for places. + +I made up then to this important personage, without lifting up my eyes +or observing any of the people round me, who were attending there on the +same errand as myself, and dropping her curtsies nine deep, just made a +shift to stammer out my business to her. + +Madam heard me out, with all the gravity and brow of a petty minister +of State, and seeing at one glance over my figure what I was, made me no +answer, but to ask me the preliminary shilling, on receipt of which she +told me places for women too slight built for hard work: but that she +would look over her book, and see what was to be done for me, desiring +me to stay a little, till she had dispatched some other customers. + +On this I drew back a little, most heartily mortified at a declaration +which carried with it a killing uncertainly, that my circumstances could +not well endure. + +Presently, assuming more courage, and seeking some diversion from my +uneasy thoughts, I ventured to lift up my head a little, and sent my +eyes on a course round the room, where they met full tilt with those +of a lady (for such my extreme innocence pronounced her) sitting in a +corner of the room, dressed in a velvet mantle (in the midst of summer), +with her bonnet off; squat, fat, red-faced, and at least fifty. + +She looked as if she would devour me with her eyes, staring at me from +head to foot, without the least regard to the confusion and blushes her +eyeing me so fixedly put me to, and which were to her, no doubt, the +strongest recommendation and marks of my being fit for her purpose. +After a little time, in which my air, person and whole figure had +undergone a strict examination, which I had, on my part, tried to render +favourable to me, by primming, drawing up my neck, and setting my best +looks, she advanced and spoke to me with the greatest demureness: + +"Sweet-heart, do you want a place? + +"Yes, and please you," (with a curtsey down to the ground). + +Upon this she acquainted me she was actually come to the office herself, +to look out for a servant; that she believed I might do, with a little +of her instruction; that she could take my very looks for a sufficient +character; that London was a very wicked, vile, place; that she hoped I +would be tractable, and keep out of bad company; in short, she said all +to me that an old experienced practitioner in town could think of, +and which was much more than was necessary to take in an artless +inexperienced country maid, who was even afraid of becoming a wanderer +about the streets, and therefore gladly jumped at the first offer of a +shelter, especially from so grave and matron-like a lady, for such +my flattering fancy assured me this new mistress of mine was, I being +actually hired under the nose of the good woman that kept the office, +whose shrewed smiles and shrugs I could not help observing, and +innocently interpreted them as marks of being pleased at my getting +into place so soon: but, as I afterwards came to know, these Beldams +understood one another very well, and this was a market where Mrs. +Brown, my mistress, frequently attended, on the watch for any fresh +goods that might offer there, for the use of her customers, and her own +profit. + +Madam was, however, so well pleased with her bargain that fearing I +presume, lest better advice or some accident might occasion my slipping +through her fingers, she would officiously take me in a coach to my inn, +where, calling herself for my box, it was, I being present, delivered +without the least scruple or explanation as to where I was going. + +This being over, she bid the coachman drive to a shop in St. Paul's +Churchyard, where she bought a pair of gloves, which she gave me, and +thence renewed her directions to the coachman to drive to her house in +------ street, who accordingly landed us at the door, after I had been +cheered up and entertained by the way with the most plausible flams, +without one syllable from which I could conclude anything but that I was, +by the greatest luck, fallen into the hands of kindest mistress, not to +say friend, that the vast world could afford; and accordingly I entered +her doors with most complete confidence and exultation, promising, +myself that, as soon as I could be a little settled, I would acquaint +Esther Davis with my rare good fortune. + +You may be sure the good opinion of my place was not lessened by the +appearance of a very handsome back parlor, into which I was led and +which seemed to me magnificently furnished, who had never seen better +rooms than the ordinary ones in inns upon the road. There were two gilt +pier-glasses, and a buffet, on which a few pieces of plate, set out to +the most shew, dazzled, and altogether persuaded me that I must be got +into a very reputable family. + +Here my mistress first began her part, with telling me that I must have +good spirits, and learn to be free with her; that she had not taken me +to be a common servant, to do domestic drudgery, but to be a kind of +companion to her; and that if I would be a good girl, she would do +more than twenty mothers for me; to all which I answered only by the +profoundest and the awkwardest curtsies, and a few monosyllables, such +as "'yes! no! to be sure!" + +Presently my mistress touched the bell, and in came a strapping +maid-servant, who had let us in. "Here, Martha," said Mrs. Brown, "I +have just hired this young woman to look after my linen; so step up and +show her her chamber; and I charge you to use her with as much respect +as you would myself, for I have taken a prodigious liking to her, and I +do not know what I shall do for her." + +Martha, who was an arch-jade, and, being used to this decoy, had her +cue perfect, made me a kind of half curtsy, and asked me to walk up +with her; and accordingly showed me a neat room, two pair of stairs +backwards, in which there was a handsome bed, where Martha told me I was +to lie with a young gentlewoman, a cousin of my mistress, who she was +sure would be vastly good to me. Then she ran out into such affected +encomiums on her good mistress! her sweet mistress! and how happy I +was to light upon her! and that I could not have bespoke a better; with +other the like gross stuff, such as would itself have started suspicions +in any but such an unpractised simpleton, who was perfectly new to +life, and who took every word she said in the very sense she laid out +for me to take it; but she readily saw what a penetration she had to +deal with, and measured me very rightly in her manner of whistling to +me, so as to make me pleased with my cage, and blind to the wires. + +In the midst of these false explanations of the nature of my future +service, we were rung for down again, and I was reintroduced into the +same parlour, where there was a table laid with three covers; and my +mistress had now got with her one of her favourite girls, a notable +manager of her house, and whose business it was to prepare and +break such young fillies as I was to the mounting block; and she was +accordingly, in that view, alloted me for a bed-fellow, and, to give her +the more authority, she had the title of cousin conferred on her by the +venerable president of this college. + +Here I underwent a second survey, which ended in the full approbation +of Mrs. Phoebe Ayres, the name of my tutoress elect, to whose care and +instruction I was affectionately recommended. + +Dinner was now set on table, and in pursuance of treating me as +a companion, Mrs. Brown, with a tone to cut off all dispute, soon +over-ruled my most humble and most confused protestations against +sitting down with her Ladyship, which my very short breeding just +suggested to me could not be right, or in the order of things. + +At table, the conversation was chiefly kept up by the two madams and +carried on in double meaning expressions, interrupted every now and then +by kind assurances to me, all tending to confirm and fix my satisfaction +with my present condition: augment it they could not, so very a novice +was I then. + +It was here agreed that I should keep myself up and out of sight for a +few days, till such clothes could be procured for me as were fit for +the character I was to appear in, of my mistress's companion, observing +withal, that on the first impressions of my figure much might depend; +and, as they rightly judged, the prospect of exchanging my country +clothes for London finery, made the clause of confinement digest +perfectly well with me. But the truth was, Mrs. Brown did not care that +I should be seen or talked to by any, either of her customers, or her +Does (as they called the girls provided for them), till she secured a +good market for my maidenhead, which I had at least all the appearances +of having brought into her Ladyship's service. + +To slip over minutes of no importance to the main of my story, I pass +the interval to bed time, in which I was more and more pleased with the +views that opened to me, of an easy service under these good people; and +after supper being shewed up to bed, Miss Phoebe, who observed a kind +of reluctance in me to strip and go to bed, in my shift, before her, now +the maid was withdrawn, came up to me, and beginning with unpinning +my handkerchief and gown, soon encouraged me to go on with undressing +myself; and, blushing at now seeing myself naked to my shift, I hurried +to get under the bed-clothes out of sight. + +Phoebe laughed and was not long before she placed herself by my side. +She was about five and twenty, by her most suspicious account, in which, +according to all appearances, she must have sunk at least ten good +years; allowance, too, being made for the havoc which a long course of +hackneyship and hot waters must have made of her constitution, and which +had already brought on, upon the spur, that stale stage in which those +of her profession are reduced to think of showing company, instead of +seeing it. + +No sooner then was this precious substitute of my mistress laid down, +but she, who was never out of her way when any occasion of lewdness +presented itself, turned to me, embraced and kissed me with great +eagerness. This was new, this was odd; but imputing it to nothing but +pure kindness, which, for ought I knew, it might be the London way to +express in that manner, I was determined not to be behind-hand with her, +and returned her the kiss and embrace, with all the fervour that perfect +innocence knew. + +Encouraged by this, her hands became extremely free, and wandered over +my whole body, with touches, squeezes, pressures, that rather warmed and +surprised me with their novelty, than they either shocked or alarmed me. + +The flattering praises she intermingled with these invasions, +contributed also not a little to bribe my passiveness; and, knowing no +ill, I feared none, especially from one who had prevented all doubts +of her womanhood, by conducting my hands to a pair of breasts that hung +loosely down, in a size and volume that full sufficiently distinguished +her sex, to me at least, who had never made any other comparison. + +I lay then all tame and passive as she could wish, whilst her freedom +raised no other emotion but those of a strange, and, till then, unfelt +pleasure. Every part of me was open and exposed to the licentious +courses of her hands, which, like a lambent fire, ran over my whole +body, and thawed all coldness as they went. + +My breasts, if it is not too bold a figure to call so two hard, firm, +rising hillocks, that just began to shew themselves, or signify anything +to the touch, employed and amused her hands awhile, till, slipping down +lower, over a smooth track, she could just feel the soft silky down that +had but a few months before put forth and garnished the mount-pleasant +of those parts, and promised to spread a grateful shelter over the sweet +seat of the most exquisite sensation, and which had been, till that +instant, the seat of the most insensible innocence. Her fingers played +and strove to twine in the young tendrils of that moss, which nature has +contrived at once for use and ornament. + +But, not contented with these outer posts, she now attempts the main +spot, and began to twitch, to insinuate, and at length to force an +introduction of a finger into the quick itself, in such a manner, that +had she not proceeded by insensible gradations that inflamed me beyond +the power of modesty to oppose its resistance to their progress, I +should have jumped out of bed and cried for help against such strange +assaults. + +Instead of which, her lascivious touches had lighted up a new fire that +wantoned through all my veins, but fixed with violence in that center +appointed them by nature, where the first strange hands were now busied +in feeling, squeezing, compressing the lips, then opening them again, +with a finger between, till an "Oh!" expressed her hurting me, where the +narrowness of the unbroken passage refused it entrance to any depth. + +In the meantime, the extension of my limbs, languid stretching, sighs, +short heavings, all conspired to as-ure that experienced wanton that I +was more pleased than offended at her proceedings, which she seasoned +with repeated kisses and exclamations, such as "Oh! what a charming +creature thou art! What a happy man will he be that first makes a woman +of you! Oh! that I were a man for your sake!" with the like broken +expressions, interrupted by kisses as fierce and salacious as ever I +received from the other sex. + +For my part, I was transported, confused, and out of myself; feelings so +new were too much for me. My heated and alarmed senses were in a tumult +that robbed me of all liberty of thought; tears of pleasure gushed from +my eyes, and somewhat assuaged the fire that raged all over me. + +Phoebe, herself, the hackneyed, thorough-bred Phoebe, to whom all modes +and devices of pleasure were known and familiar, found, it seems, +in this exercise her those arbitrary tastes, for which there is no +accounting. Not that she hated men, or did not even prefer them to her +own sex; but when she met with such occasions as this was, a satiety +of enjoyments in the common road, perhaps, too a great secret bias, +inclined her to make the most of pleasure, wherever she could find it, +without distinction of sexes. In this view, now well assured that she +had, by her touches, sufficiently inflamed me for her purpose, she +rolled down the bed clothes gently, and I saw myself stretched naked, +my shift being turned up to my neck, whilst I had no power or sense to +oppose it. Even my growing blushes expressed more desire than modesty, +whilst the candle, left (to be sure not undesignedly) burning, threw a +full light on my whole body. + +"No!" says Phoebe, "you must not, my sweet girl, think to hide all these +treasures from me. My sight must be feasted as my touch. I must devour +with my eyes this springing bosom. Suffer me to kiss it. I have not seen +it enough. Let me kiss it once more. What firm, smooth, white flesh is +here! How delicately shaped! Then this delicious down! Oh! let me view +the small, dear, tender cleft! This is too much, I cannot bear it! I +must! I must!" Here she took my hand, and in a transport carried it +where you will easily guess. But what a difference in the state of the +same thing! A spreading thicket of bushy curls marked the full grown, +complete woman. Then the cavity to which she guided my hand easily +received it; and as soon as she felt it within her, she moved herself to +and fro, with so rapid a friction, that I presently withdrew it, wet +and clammy, when instantly Phoebe grew more composed, after two or +three sighs, and heart-fetched Oh's! and giving me a kiss that seemed to +exhale her soul through her lips, she replaced the bed-clothes over us. +What pleasure she had found I will not say; but this I know, that the +first sparks of kindling nature, the first ideas of pollution, were +caught by me that night; and that the acquaintance and communication +with the bad of our sex, is often as fatal to innocence as all the +seductions of the other. But to go on. When Phoebe was restored to that +calm, which I was far from the enjoyment of myself, she artfully sounded +me on all the points necessary to govern the designs of my virtuous +mistress on me, and by my answers, drawn from pure undissembled nature, +she had no reason but to promise herself all imaginable success, so far +as it depended on my ignorance, easiness and warmth of constitution. + +After a sufficient length of dialogue, my bedfellow left me to my rest, +and I fell asleep, through pure weariness, from the violent emotions +I had been led into, when nature which had been too warmly stirred and +fermented to subside without allaying by some means or other relieved +me by one of those luscious dreams, the transports of which are scarce +inferior to those of waking real action. + +In the morning I awoke about ten, perfectly gay and refreshed. Phoebe +was up before me, and asked me in the kindest manner how I did, how I +had rested, and if I was ready for breakfast? carefully, at the same +time, avoiding to increase the confusion she saw I was in, at looking +her in the face, by any hint of the night's bed scene. I told her if she +pleased I would get up, and begin any work she would be pleased to set +me about. She smiled; presently the maid brought in the tea equipage, +and I just huddled my clothes on, when in waddled my mistress. I +expected no less than to be told of, if not chid for, my late rising, +when I was most agreeably disappointed by her compliments on my pure +and fresh looks. I was "a bud of beauty" (this was her style), "and how +vastly all the fine men would admire me!" to all which my answers did +not, I can assure you, wrong my breeding; they were as simple and silly +as they could wish, and, no doubt, flattered them infinitely more than +had they proved me enlightened by education and a knowledge of the +world. + +We breakfasted, and the tea things were scarce removed, when in were +brought two bundles of linen and wearing apparel: in short, all the +necessaries for rigging me out, as they termed it, completely. + +Imagine to yourself, Madam, how my little coquet heart fluttered with +joy at the sight of a white lutestring, flowered with silver, scoured +indeed, but passed on me for spick and span new, a Brussels lace cap, +braited shoes, and the rest in proportion, all second-hand finery, and +procured instantly for the occasion, by the diligence and industry of +the good Mrs. Brown, who had already a chapman for me in the house, +before whom my charms were to pass in review; for he had not only, +in course, insisted on a previous sight of the premises, but also +on immediate surrendering to him, in case of his agreeing for me; +concluding very wisely, that such a place as I was in, was of the +hottest to trust the keeping of such a perishable commodity in, as a +maidenhead. + +The care of dressing and tricking me out for the market, was then left +to Phoebe, who acquitted herself, if not well, at least perfectly to the +satisfaction of everything but my impatience of seeing myself dressed. +When it was over, and I viewed myself in the glass, I was no doubt, too +natural, too artless, to hide my childish joy at the change: a change, +in the real truth, for much the worse, since I must have much better +become the neat easy simplicity of my rustic dress than the awkward, +untoward, tawdry finery that I could not conceal my strangeness to. + +Phoebe's compliments, however, in which her own share in dressing me was +not forgot, did not a little confirm me in the first notions I had ever +entertained concerning my person; which, be it said without vanity, was +then tolerable to justify a taste for me, and of which it may not be out +of place here to sketch you an unflattered picture. + +I was tall, yet not too tall for my age, which, as I before remarked, +was barely turned of fifteen; my shape perfectly straight, thin waisted, +and light and free without owing anything to stays; my hair was a glossy +auburn, and as soft as silk, flowing down my neck in natural curls, and +did not a little to set off the whiteness of a smooth skin; my face was +rather too ruddy, though its features were delicate, and the shape was a +roundish oval, except where a pit on my chin had far from a disagreeable +effect; my eyes were as black as can be imagined, and rather languishing +than sparkling, except on certain occasions, when I have been told they +struck fire fast enough; my teeth, which I ever carefully preserved, +were small, even and white; my bosom was finely raised, and one might +then discern rather the promise than the actual growth of the round, +firm breast, that in a little time made that promise good. In short, all +the points of beauty that are most universally in request, I had, or at +least my vanity forbid me to appeal from the decision of our sovereign +judges the men, who all, that I ever knew at last, gave it thus highly +in my favour; and I met with, even in my own sex, some that were +above denying me that justice, whilst others praised me yet more +unsuspectedly, by endeavouring to detract from me, in points of person +and figure that I obviously excelled in. This is, I own, too strong +of self praise; but I should be ungrateful to nature, and to a form to +which I owe such singular blessings of pleasure and fortune, were I +to suppress, through an affectation of modesty, the mention of such +valuable gifts. + +Well then, dressed I was, and little did it then enter into my head +that all this gay attire was no more than decking the victim out for +sacrifice, whilst I innocently attributed all to mere friendship and +kindness in the sweet good Mrs. Brown; who, I was forgetting to mention, +had, under pretence of keeping my money safe, got from me, without the +least hesitation, the driblet (so I now call it) which remained to me +after the expenses of my journey. + +After some little time most agreebly spent before the glass, in scarce +self-admiration, since my new dress had by much the greatest share in +it, I was sent for down to the parlour, where the old lady saluted me, +and wished me joy of my new clothes, which she was not ashamed to say, +fitted me as if I had worn nothing but the finest all my life-time; but +what was it she could not see me silly enough to swallow? At the same +time, she presented me to another cousin of her own creation, an elderly +gentleman, who got up, at my entry into the room, and on my dropping a +curtsy to him, saluted me, and seemed a little affronted that I had +only presented my cheek to him: a mistake, which, if one, he immediately +corrected, by gluing his lips to mine, with an ardour which his figure +had not at all disposed me to thank him for: his figure, I say, than +which nothing could be more shocking or detestable: for ugly and +disagreeable were terms too gentle to convey a just idea of it. + +Imagine to yourself, a man rather past threescore, short and ill-made, +with a yellow cadaverous hue, great goggle eyes, that stared as if he +was strangled; an out-mouth from two more properly tusks than teeth, +livid lips, and breath like a Jake's: then he had a peculiar ghastliness +in his grin, that made him perfectly frightful, if not dangerous to +women with child; yet, made as he was thus in mock of man, he was +so blind to his own staring deformities, as to think himself born to +please, and that no woman could see him with impunity: in consequence +of which idea, he had lavished great sums on such wretches as could gain +upon themselves to pretend love to his person, whilst to those who had +not art or patience to dissemble the horror it inspired, he behaved even +brutally. Impotence, more than necessity, made him seek in variety, the +provocative that was wanting to raise him to the pitch of enjoyment, +which he too often saw himself baulked of, by the failure of his powers: +and this always threw him into a fit of rage, which he wreaked, as far +as he durst, on the innocent objects of his fit of momentary desire. + +This then was the master to which my conscientious benefactress, who had +long been his purveyor in this way, had doomed me, and sent for me down +purposely for his examination. Accordingly she made me stand up before +him, turned me round, unpinned my handkerchief, remarked to him the rise +and fall, the turn and whiteness of a bosom just beginning to fill; then +made me walk, and took even a handle from the rusticity of my charms: in +short, she omitted no point of jockeyship; to which he only answered by +gracious nods of approbation, whilst he looked goats and monkeys at +me: for I sometimes stole a corner glance at him, and encountering his +fiery, eager stare, looked another way from pure horror and affright, +which he, characteristically, attributed to nothing more than maiden +modesty, or at least the affectation of it. + +However, I was soon dismissed, and reconducted to my room by Phoebe, +who stuck close to me, not leaving me alone, and at leisure to make such +reflections as might naturally rise to any one, not an idiot, on such a +scene as I had just gone through; but to my shame be it confessed, that +just was my invincible stupidity, or rather portentous innocence, that +I did not yet open my eyes to Mrs. Brown's designs, and saw nothing in +this titular cousin of hers but a shockingly hideous person, which did +not at all concern me, unless that my gratitude for my benefactress made +me extend my respect to all her cousinhood. + +Phoebe, however, began to sift the state and pulses of my heart toward +this monster, asking me how I should approve of such a fine gentelman +for a husband. (Fine gentleman, I suppose she called him, from his being +daubed with lace.) I answered her very naturally, that I had no thoughts +of a husband, but that if I was to choose one, it should be among my own +degree, sure! so much had my aversion to that wretch's hideous figure +indisposed me to all "fine gentlemen," and confounded my ideas, as if +those of that rank had been necessarily cast in the same mould that +he was. But Phoebe was not to be put off so, but went on with her +endeavours to melt and soften me for the purposes of my reception into +that hospitable house: and whilst she talked of the sex in general, she +had no reason to despair of a compliance, which more than one reason +showed her would be easily enough obtained of me; but then she had too +much experience not to discover that my particular fixed aversion to +that frightful cousin would be a block not so readily to be removed, as +suited the consummation of their bargain, and sale of me. + +Mother Brown had in the meantime agreed the terms with this loquorice +old goat, which I afterwards understood were to be fifty guineas +peremptory, for the liberty of attempting me, and a hundred more at the +complete gratification of his desires, in the triumph over my virginity: +and as for me, I was to be left entirely at the discretion of his liking +and generosity. This unrighteous contract being thus settled, he was so +eager to be put in possession, that he insisted on being introduced to +drink tea with me that afternoon, when we were to be left alone; nor +would he hearken to the procuress's remonstrances, that I was not +sufficiently prepared, and ripened for such an attack; that I was too +green and untamed, having been scarce twenty-four hours in the house: +it is the character of lust to be impatient, and his vanity arming him +against any supposition of other than the common resistance of a maid +on those occasions, made him reject all proposals of a delay, and my +dreadful trial was thus fixed, unknown to me, for that very evening. + +At dinner, Mrs. Brown and Phoebe did nothing but run riot in praise of +this wonderful cousin, and how happy that woman would be that he would +favour with his addresses; in short my two gossips exhausted all +their rhetoric to persuade me to accept them: "that the gentleman was +violently smitten with me at first sight; that he would make my fortune +if I would be a good girl and not stand in my own light; that I should +trust his honour; that I should be made for ever, and have a chariot to +go abroad in," with all such stuff as was fit to turn the head of such +a silly ignorant girl as I then was: but luckily here my aversion had +taken already such deep root in me, my heart was so strongly defended +from him by my senses, that wanting the art to mask my sentiments, I +gave them no hopes of their employer succeeding, at least very easily, +with me. The glass too marched pretty quick, with a view, I suppose, to +make a friend of the warmth of my constitution, in the minutes of the +imminent attack. + +Thus they kept me pretty long at table, and about six in the evening, +after I had retired to my apartment, and the tea board was set, enters +my venerable mistress, followed close by that satyr, who came in +grinning in a way peculiar to him, and by his odious presence, confirmed +me in all the sentiments of detestation which his first appearance had +given birth to. + +He sat down fronting me, and all tea time kept ogling me in a manner +that gave me the utmost pain and confusion, all the mark of which he +still explained to be my bashfulness, and not being used to see company. + +Tea over, the commoding old lady pleady urgent business (which indeed +was true) to go out, and earnestly desired me to entertain her cousin +kindly till she came back, both for my own sake and her; and then, with +a "Pray, sir, be very good, be very tender to the sweet child," she went +out of the room, leaving me staring, with my mouth open, and unprepared +by the suddenness of her departure, to oppose it. + +We were now alone; and on that idea a sudden fit of trembling seized +me. I was so afraid, without a precise notion of why, and what I had +to fear, that I sat on the settee, by the fire side, motionless and +petrified, without life or spirit, not knowing how to look or how to +stir. + +But long I was not suffered to remain in this state of stupefaction: the +monster squatted down by me on the settee, and without farther ceremony +or preamble, flings his arms about my neck, and drawing me pretty +forcibly towards him, obliged me to receive, in spite of my struggles +to disengage from him, his pestilential kisses, which quite overcame me. +Finding me then next to senseless, and unresisting, he tears off my neck +handkerchief, and laid all open there, to his eyes and hands: still +I endured all without flinching, till emboldened by my sufferance and +silence, for I had not the power to speak or cry out, he attempted to +lay me down on the settee, and I felt his hand on the lower part of my +naked thighs, which were crossed, and which he endeavoured to unlock. Oh +then! I was roused out of my passive endurance, and springing from him +with an activity he was not prepared for, threw myself at his feet, and +begged him, in the most moving tone, not to be rude, and that he would +not hurt me. "Hurt you, my dear?" says the brute, "I intend you no +harm. Has not the old lady told you that I love you? that I shall do +handsomely by you?" + +"She has indeed, sir," said I, "but I cannot love you, indeed I cannot! +pray let me alone! yes! I will love you dearly if you will let me alone +and go away." But I was talking to the wind, for whether my tears, +my attitude, or the disorder of my dress proved fresh incentives, or +whether he was now under the dominion of desires he could not bridle, +but snorting and foaming with lust and rage, he renews his attack, +seizes me, and again attempts to extend and fix me on the settee: +in which he succeeded so far as to lay me along, and even to toss my +petticoats over my head, and lay my thighs bare, which I obstinately +kept close, nor could he, though he attempted with his knee to force +them open, effect it so as to stand fair for being master of the main +avenue; he was unbuttoned, both waistcoat and breeches, yet I only +felt the weight of his body upon me, whilst I lay struggling with +indignation, and dying with terrors; but he stopped all of a sudden, and +got off, panting, blowing, cursing, and repeating "old and ugly!" for so +I had very naturally called him in the heat of my defence. + +The brute had, it seems, as I afterwards understood, brought on, by +his eagerness and struggle, the ultimate period of his hot fit of +lust, which his power was too short-lived to carry him through the full +execution of; of which my thighs and linen received the effusion. + +When it was over he bid me, with a tone of displeasure, get up: "that he +would not do me the honour to think of me any more; that the old b----h +might look out for another cully; that he would not be fooled so by +ever a country mock modesty in England; that he supposed I had left my +maidenhead with some hobnail in the country, and was come to dispose of +my skim-milk in town" with a volley of the like abuse; which I listened +to with more pleasure than ever fond woman did to protestations of +love from her darling minion: for, incapable as I was of receiving any +addition to my perfect hatred and aversion to him, I looked on this +railing, as my security against his renewing his most odious caress. + +Yet, plain as Mrs. Brown's views were now come out, I had not the +heart, or spirit to open my eyes to them: still I could not part with +my dependence on that beldam, so much did I think myself hers, soul and +body: or rather, I sought to deceive myself with the continuation of my +good opinion of her, and choose to wait the worst at her hands, sooner +than be turned out to starve in the streets, without a penny of money or +a friend to apply to these fears were my folly. + +While this confusion of ideas was passing in my head, and I sat +pensively by the fire, with my eyes brimming with tears, my neck still +bare, and my cap fallen off in the struggle, so that my hair was in the +disorder you may guess, the villain's lust began, I suppose, to be again +in flow, at the sight of all that bloom of youth which presented itself +to his view, a bloom yet unenjoyed, and of course not yet indifferent to +him. + +After some pause, he asked me with a tone of voice mightily softer, +whether I would make it up with him before the old lady returned, and +all should be well; he would restore me to his affections, at the +same time offering to kiss me and feel my breasts. But now my extreme +aversion, my fears, my indignation, all acting upon me, gave me a spirit +not natural to me, so that breaking loose from him, I ran to the bell +and rang it, with such violence and effect as to bring up the maid to +know what was the matter, or whether the gentleman wanted anything; and +before he could proceed to greater extremities, she bounced into the +room, and seeing me stretched on the floor, my hair all dishevelled, my +nose gushing out blood, which did not a little tragedize the scene, and +my odious persecutor still intent of pushing his brutal point, unmoved +by all my cries and distress, she was herself confounded and did not +know what to do. + +As much, however, as Martha might be prepared and hardened to +transactions of this sort, all womanhood must have been out of her heart +could she have seen this unmoved. Besides that, on the face of things, +she imagined that matters had gone greater lengths than they really had, +and that the courtesy of the house had been actually consummated on me, +and flung: me into the condition I was in: in this notion she instantly +took my part, and advised the gentleman to go down and leave me to +recover myself, and "that all would be soon over with me; that when +Mrs. Brown and Phoebe, who were gone out, were returned, they would take +order for everything to his satisfaction; that nothing would be lost by +a little patience with the poor tender thing; that for her part she was +frightened; she could not tell what to say to such doings; but that she +would stay by me till my mistress came home." As the wench said all +this in a resolute tone, and the monster himself began to perceive that +things would not mend by his staying, he took his hat and went out of +the room murmuring and pitting his brows like an old ape, so that I was +delivered from the horrors of his detestable presence. + +As soon as he was gone, Martha very tenderly offered me her assistance +in anything, and would have got me some hartshorn drops and put me to +bed; which last I, at first, positively refused, in the fear that the +monster might return and take me at that disadvantage. However, with +much persuasion and assurances that I should not be molested that night +she prevailed on me to lie down; and indeed I was so weakened by my +struggles, so dejected by my fearful apprehension, so terror-struck, +that I had not power to sit up, or hardly to give answers to the +questions with which the curious Martha plied and perplexed me. + +Such too, and so cruel was my fate, that I dreaded the sight of Mrs. +Brown, as if I had been the criminal, and she the person injured; a +mistake which you will not think so strange, on distinguishing that +neither virtue nor principles had the least share in the defence I had +made, but only the particular aversion I had conceived against this +first brutal and frightful invader of my tender innocence. + +I passed then the time till Mrs. Brown came home, under all the +agitations of fear and despair that may easily be guessed. + +About eleven at night my two ladies came home, and having received +rather a favourable account from Martha, who had run down to let them +in, for Mr. Crofts (that was the name of my brute) was gone out of the +house, after waiting till he had tired his patience for Mrs. Brown's +return, they came thundering up stairs, and seeing me pale, my face +bloody, and all the marks of the most thorough dejection, they employed +themselves more to comfort and re-inspirit me than in making me the +reproaches I was weak enough to fear, I who had so many juster and +stronger to retort upon them. + +Mrs. Brown withdrawn, Phoebe came presently to bed to me, and what +with the answers she drew from me, what with her own method of palpably +satisfying herself, she soon discovered that I had been more frightened +than hurt; upon which I suppose, being herself seized with sleep, and +reserving her lectures and instructions till the next morning, she left +me, properly speaking, to my unrest; for, later tossing and turning +the greatest part of the night, and tormenting myself with the falsest +notions and apprehensions of things, I fell, through mere fatigue into +a kind of delirious doze, out of which I waked late in the morning, in +a violent fever: a circumstance which was extremely critical to reprieve +me, at least for a time, from the attacks of a wretch, infinitely more +terrible to me than death itself. + +The interested care that was taken of me during my illness, in order to +restore me to a condition of making good the bawd's engagements, or of +enduring further trials, had, however, such an effect on my grateful +disposition that I even thought myself obliged to my un-doers for their +attention to promote my recovery; and, above all, for the keeping out +of my sight of that brutal ravisher, the author of my disorder, on their +finding I was too strongly moved at the bare mention of his name. + +Youth is soon raised, and a few days were sufficient to conquer the fury +of my fever: but, what contributed most to my perfect recovery and to my +reconciliation with life, was the timely news that Mr. Crofts, who was a +merchant of considerable dealings, was arrested at the King's suit, +for nearly forty thousand pounds, on account of his driving a certain +contraband trade, and that his affairs were so desperate, that even were +it in his inclination, it would not be in his power to renew his designs +upon me: for he was instantly thrown into a prison, which it was not +likely he would get out of in haste. + +Mrs. Brown, who had touched his fifty guineas, advanced to so little +purpose, and lost all hopes of the remaining hundred, began to look upon +my treatment of him with a more favourable eye; and as they had observed +my temper to be perfectly tractable and conformable to their views, all +the girls that composed her flock were suffered to visit me, and had +their cue to dispose me, by their conversation, to a perfect resignation +of myself to Mrs. Brown's direction. + +Accordingly they were let in upon me, and all that frolic and +thoughtless gaiety in which those giddy creatures consume either +leisure, made me envy a condition of which I only saw the fair side; +insomuch, that the being one of them became even my ambition: a +disposition which they all carefully cultivated; and I wanted now +nothing but to restore my health, that I might be able to undergo the +ceremony of the initiation. + +Conversation, example, in short all, contributed, in that house, to +corrupt my native parity, which had taken no root in education; whilst +now the inflammable principal of pleasure, so easily fired at my age, +made strange work within me, and all the modesty I was brought up in the +habit, not the instruction of, began to melt away like dew before the +sun's heat; not to mention that I made a vice of necessity, from the +constant fears I had of being turned out to starve. + +I was soon pretty well recovered, and at certain hours allowed to range +all over the house, but cautiously kept from seeing any company till the +arrival of Lord B----, from Bath, to whom Mrs. Brown, in respect to his +experienced generosity on such occasions, proposed to offer the perusal +of that trinket of mine, which bears so great an imaginary value; and +his lordship being expected in town in less than a fortnight, Mrs. Brown +judged I would be entirely renewed in beauty and freshness by that time, +and afforded her the chance of a better bargain than she had driven with +Mr. Crofts. + +In the meantime, I was so thoroughly, as they call it, brought over, so +tame to their whistle, that, had my cage door been set open, I had no +idea that I ought to fly anywhere, sooner than stay where I was; nor had +I the least sense of regretting my condition, but waited very quietly +for whatever Mrs. Brown should order concerning me; who on her side, by +herself and her agents, took more than the necessary precautions to lull +and lay asleep all just reflections on my destiny. + +Preachments of morality over the left shoulder; a life of joy painted in +the gayest colours; caresses, promises, indulgent treatment; nothing, +in short, was wanting to domesticate me entirely and to prevent my going +out anywhere to get better advice. Alas! I dreamed of no such thing. + +Hitherto I had been indebted only to the girls of the house for the +corruption of my innocence: their luscious talk, in which modesty was +far from respected, their description of their engagements with men, +had given me a tolerable insight into the nature and mysteries of their +profession, at the same time that they highly provoked an itch of florid +warm-spirited blood through every vein: but above all, my bed fellow +Phoebe, whose pupil I more immediately was, exerted her talents in +giving me the first tinctures of pleasure: whilst nature, now warmed +and wantoned with discoveries so interesting, piqued a curiosity which +Phoebe artfully whetted, and leading me from question to question of her +own suggestion, explained to me all the mysteries of Venus. But I could +not long remain in such a house as that, without being an eye-witness of +more than I could conceive from her descriptions. + +One day, about twelve at noon, being thoroughly recovered of my fever, I +happened to be in Mrs. Brown's dark closet, where I had not been half +an hour, resting upon the maid's bed, before I heard a rustling in the +bed-chamber, separated from the closet only by two sash doors, before +the glasses of which were drawn two yellow damask curtains, but not so +close as to exclude the full view of the room from any person in the +closet. + +I instantly crept softly and posted myself so, that seeing everything +minutely, I could not myself be seen; and who should come in but the +venerable mother Abbess herself! handed in by a tall, brawny young +Horse-grenadiers, moulded in the Hercules style: in fine, the choice of +the most experienced dame, in those affairs, in all London. + +Oh! how still and hush did I keep at my stand, lest any noise should +baulk my curiosity, or bring Madam into the closet! + +But I had not much reason to fear either, for she was entirely taken up +with her present great concern, that she had no sense of attention to +spare to anything else. + +Droll was it to see that clumsy fat figure of her's flop down on the +foot of the bed, opposite to the closet door so that I had a full front +view of all her charms. + +Her paramour sat down by her: he seemed to be a man of very few words, +and a great stomach; for proceeding instantly to essentials, he gave her +some hearty smacks, and thrusting his hands into her breasts, disengaged +them from her stays, in scorn of whose confinement they broke loose, and +sagged down, navel-low at least. A more enormous pair did my eyes +never behold, nor of a worse colour, flagging, soft, and most lovingly +contiguous: yet such as they were, this great beef-eater seemed to paw +them with a most unenviable lust, seeking in vain to confine or cover +one of them with a hand scarce less than a shoulder of mutton. After +toying with them thus some time, as if they had been worth it, he laid +her down pretty briskly, and canting up her petticoats, made barely +a mask of them to her broad red face, that blushed with nothing but +brandy. + +As he stood on one side, unbuttoning his waistcoat and breeches, her fat +brawny thighs hung down, and the whole greasy landscape lay fairly open +to my view; a wide open mouthed gap, overshaded with a grizzly bush, +seemed held out like a beggar's wallet for its provision. + +But I soon had my eyes called off by a more striking object that +entirely engrossed them. + +Her sturdy stallion had now unbuttoned, and produced naked, stiff and +erect, that wonderful machine, which I had never seen before, and which, +for the interest my own seat of pleasure began to take furiously in it, +I stared at with all the eyes I had: however, my senses were too much +flurried, too much concentered in that now burning spot of mine, +to observe anything more than in general the make and turn of that +instrument; from which the instinct of nature, yet more than all I had +heard of it, now strongly informed me, I was to expect that supreme +pleasure which she had placed in the meeting of those parts so admirably +fitted for each other. + +Long, however, the young spark did not remain before giving it two or +three shakes, by way of brandishing it, he threw himself upon her, and +his back being now towards me, I could only take his being ingulphed for +granted, by the directions he moved in, and the impossibility of missing +so staring a mark; and now the bed shook, the curtains rattled so that +I could scarce hear the sighs and murmurs, the heaves and pantings that +accompanied the action, from the beginning to the end; the sound and +sight of which thrilled to the very soul of me, and made every vein of +my body circulate liquid fires: the emotion grew so viol-lent that it +almost intercepted my respiration. + +Prepared then, and disposed as I was by the discourse of my companions, +and Phoebe's minute detail of everything, no wonder that such a sight +gave the last dying blow to my native innocence. + +Whilst they were in the heat of the action, guided by nature only, I +stole my hand up my petticoats, and with fingers on fire, seized and yet +more inflamed that center of all my senses: my heart palpitated, as if +it would force its way through my bosom: I breathed with pain; I twisted +my thighs, squeezed and compressed the lips of that virgin slit, and +following mechanically the example of Phoebe's manual operation on +it, as far as I could find admission, brought on at last the critical +ecstasy, the melting flow, into which nature, spent with excess of +pleasure, dissolves and dies away. + +After which, my senses recovered coolness enough to observe the rest of +the transaction between this happy pair. + +The young fellow had just dismounted, when the old lady immediately +sprung up, with all the vigour of youth, derived, no doubt, from her +late refreshment; and making him sit down, began in her turn to kiss +him, to pat and pinch his cheeks, and play with his hair: all which he +received with an air of indifference and coolness that showed him to be +much altered from what he was when he first went on to the breach. + +My pious governess, however, not being above calling in auxiliaries, +unlocks a little case of cordials that stood near the bed, and made him +pledge her in a very plentiful dram: after which, and a little amorous +parley, Madam set herself down upon the same place, at the bed's foot; +and the young fellow standing sidewise by her, she, with the greatest +effrontery imaginable, unbuttons his breeches, and removing his shirt, +draws out his affair, so shrunk and diminished, that I could not but +remember the difference, now crest-fallen, or just faintly lifting +its head: but our experience matron very soon, by chaffing it with her +hands, brought it to swell to that size and erection I had before seen +it up to. + +I admired then, upon a fresh account, and with a nicer survey, the +texture of that capital part of man: the flaming red head as it stood +uncapt, the whiteness of the shaft, and the shrub growth of curling hair +that embrowned the foots of it, the roundish bag that dangled down from +it, all exacted my eager attention, and renewed my flame. But, as the +main affair was now at the point the industrious dame had laboured to +bring it to, she was not in the humour to put off the payment of her +pains, but laying herself down, drew him gently upon her, and thus they +finished, in the same manner as before, the old last act. + +This over, they both went out lovingly together, the old lady having +first made him a present, as near as I could observe, of three or four +pieces; he being not only her particular favourite on account of his +performances, but a retainer to the house; from whose sight she had +taken great care hitherto to secret me, lest he might not have had +patience to wait for my lord's arrival, but have insisted on being his +taster, which the old lady was under too much subjection to him to dare +dispute with him; for every girl of the house fell to him in course, +and the old lady only now and then got her turn, in consideration of the +maintenance he had, and which he could scarce be accused of not earning +from her. + +As soon as I heard them go down-stairs, I stole up softly to my own +room, out of which I had luckily not been missed; there I began to +breathe more free, and to give a loose to those warm emotions which the +sight of such an encounter had raised in me, I laid me down on the bed, +stretched myself out, joining and ardently wishing, and requiring any +means to divert or allay the rekindled rage and tumult of my desires, +which all pointed strongly to their pole: man. I felt about the bed as +if I sought for something that I grasped in my waking dream, and not +finding it, could have cried for vexation; every part of me plowing with +simulated fires. At length, I resorted to the only present remedy, that +of vain attempts at digitation, where the small-ness of the theatre did +not yet afford room enough for action, and where the pain my fingers +gave me, in striving for admission, though they procured me a slight +satisfaction for the present, started an apprehension which I could not +be easy till I had communicated to Phoebe and received her explanations +upon it. + +The opportunity, however, did not offer till next morning, for Phoebe +did not come to bed till long after I was gone to sleep. As soon then as +we were both awake, it was but in course to bring our ly-a-bed chat to +hand, on the subject of my uneasiness: to which a recital of the love +scene I had thus, by chance, been spectatress of, served for a preface. + +Phoebe could not hear it to the end without more than one interruption +by peals of laughter, and my ingenuous way of relating matters did not a +little heighten the joke to her. + +But, on her sounding me how the sight had affected me, without mincing +or hiding the pleasurable emotions it had inspired me with, I told +her at the same time that one remark had perplexed me, and that very +considerably. "Aye!" says she, "what was that?" "Why," replied I, +"having very curiously and attentively compared the size of that +enormous machine, which did not appear, at least to my fearful +imagination, less than my wrist, and at least three of my hand-fuls +long, to that of the tender small part of me which was framed to receive +it, I could not conceive its being possible to afford it entrance +without dying, perhaps in the greatest pain, since she well knew +that even a finger thrust in there hurt me beyond bearing. As to my +mistress's and yours, I can very plainly distinguish the different +dimensions of them from mine, palpable to the touch, and visible to +the eye; so that, in short, great as the promised pleasure may be, I am +afraid of the pain of the experiment." + +Phoebe at this redoubled her laugh, and whilst I expected a very serious +solution of my doubts and apprehensions in this matter, only told me +that "she never heard of a mortal wound being given in those parts, by +that terrible weapon, and that some she knew younger, and as delicately +made as myself, had outlived the operation; that she believed, at the +worst, I should take a great deal of liking; that true it was, there was +a great diversity of sizes in those parts, owing to nature, child-bearing, +frequent over-stretching with unmerciful machines, but that at a certain +age and habit of body, even the most experienced in those affairs could +not well distinguish between the maid and the woman, supposing too an +absence of all artifice, in their natural situation: but that since +chance had thrown in my way one sight of that sort, she would procure me +another, that should feast my eyes more delicately, and go a great way +in the cure of my fears from that imaginary disproportion". + +On this she asked me if I knew Polly Phillips? "Undoubterly," says I, +"the fair girl which was so tender of me when I was sick, and has been, +as you told me, but two months in the house." "The same," says Phoebe. +"You must know then, she is kept by a young Genoes merchant, whom his +uncle, who is immensely rich, and whose darling he is, on a pretex of +settling some accounts, but in reality to humour his inclinations for +travelling, and seeing the world. He met casually with this Polly once +in company, and taking a likning to her, makes it worth her while to +keep entirely to him. He comes to her here twice or thrice a week, and +she receives him in the light closet up one pair of stairs, where he +enjoys her in a taste, I suppose, peculiar to the heat, or perhaps the +caprices of his own country, I say no more, but to-morrow being his day, +you shall see what passes between them, from a place only known to your +mistress and myself." + +You may be sure, in the ply I was now taking, I had no objection to the +proposal, and was rather a tip-toe for its accomplishments. + +At five in the evening next day, Phoebe, punctual to her promise, came +to me as I sat alone in my own room, and beckoned me to follow her. + +We went down the back stairs very softly, and opening the door of a +dark closet, where there was some old furniture kept, and some cases of +liquor, she drew me in after her, and fastened the door upon us, we had +no light but what came through a long crevice in the partition between +ours and the light closet, where the scene of action lay; so that +sitting on those low cases, we could, with the greatest ease, as well as +clearness, see all objects (ourselves unseen), only by applying our +eyes close to the crevice, where the moulding of a panel had warped, or +started a little on the other side. + +The young gentleman was the first person I saw, with his back directly +towards me, looking at a print. Polly was not yet come: in less than a +minute though, the door opened, and she came in; and at the noise the +door made he turned about, and come to meet her, with an air of the +greatest tenderness and satisfaction. + +After saluting her, he led her to a coach that fronted us, where they +both sat down, and the young Genoes helped her to a glass of wine, with +some Naples biscuits on a salver. + +Presently, when they had exchanged a few kisses, and questions in broken +English on one side, he began to unbutton, and, in fine, stript unto his +shirt. + +As if this had been the signal agreed on for pulling off all their +clothes, a scheme which the heat of the season perfectly favoured, Polly +began to draw her pins, and as she had no stays to unlace, she was in a +trice, with her gallant's officious assistance, undressed to all but her +shift. + +When he saw this, his breeches were immediately loosened, waist and +knee bands, and slipped over his ankles, clean off; his shirt collar was +unbottoned too: then, first giving Polly an encouraging kiss, he stole, +as it were, the shift off the girl, who being, I suppose, broke and +familiarized to this humour, blushed indeed, but less than I did at the +apparition of her, now standing stark naked, just as she came ont of +the hands of pure nature, with her black hair loose and a-float down her +dazzling white neck and shoulders, whilst the deepened carnation of her +cheeks went off gradually into the hue of glazed snow: for such were the +blended tints polish of her skin. + +This girl could not be above eighteen: her face regular and sweet +featured, her shape exquisite; nor could I help envying her two ripe +enchanting breasts, finely plumped out in flesh, but withal so round, so +firm, that they sustained themselves, in scorn of any stay: then their +nipples, pointing different ways, marked their pleasing separation; +beneath them lay the delicious tract of the belly, which terminated in +a parting of rift scarce discerning, that modesty seemed to retire +downward, and seek shelter between two plump fleshy thighs: the curling +hair that overspread its delightful front, clothed it with the richest +sable fur in the universe: in short, she was evidently a subject for the +painters to court her, sitting to them for a pattern female beauty, in +all the true pride and pomp of nakedness. + +The young Italian (still in his shirt) stood gazing and transported at +the sight of beauties that might have fired a dying hermit; his eager +eyes devoured her, as she shifted attitudes at his discretion: neither +were his hands excluded their share of the high feast, but wandered, on +the hunt of pleasure, over every part and inch of her body, so qualified +to afford the most exquisite sense of it. + +In the mean time time, one could not help observing the swell of his +shirt before, that bolstered out, and pointed out the condition of +things behind the curtain: but he soon removed it, by slipping his shirt +over his head; and now, as to nakedness, they had nothing to reproach +one another. + +The young gentleman, by Phoebe's guess, was about two and twenty; tall +and well limbed. His body was finely formed, and of a most vigorous +make, square shouldered, and broad chested: his face was not remarkable +any way, but for a nose inclining to the Roman, eyes large, black, and +sparkling, and a ruddiness in his cheeks that was the more a grace; for +his complexion was of the brownest, not of that dusky dun colour which +excludes, the idea of freshness, but of that clear, olive gloss, which +glowing with life, dazzles perhaps less than fairness, and yet pleases +more, when it pleases at all. His hair being too short to tie fell no +lower than his neck, in short easy curls; and he had a few sprigs about +his paps, that garnished his chest in a style of strength and manliness. +Then his grand movement, which seemed to rise out of a thicket of +curling hair, that spread from the root all over his thighs and belly up +to the navel, stood stiff and upright, but of a size to frighten me, by +sympathy for the small tender part which was the object of its fury, +and which now lay exposed to my fairest view; for he had, immediately +on stoppings off his shirt, gently pushed her down on the couch, which +stood conveniently to break her willing fall. Her thighs were spread out +to their utmost extention, and discovered between them the mark of the +sex, the red-centered cleft of flesh, whose lips vermillioning inwards, +expressed a small ruby line in sweet miniature, such as Guide's touch or +colouring: could never attain to the life or delicacy of. + +Phoebe, at this, gave me a gentle jog, to prepare me for a whisper +question: "Whether I thought my little maiden-head was much less?" But +my attention was too much engrossed, too much inwrapped with all I saw, +to be able to give her any answer. + +By this time the young gentelman had changed her posture from lying +breadth to length-wise on the coach: but her thighs were still spread, +and the mark lay fair for him, who now kneeling between them, displayed +to us a side view of that fierce erect machine of his, which threatened +no less than splitting the tender victim, who lay smiling at the +uplifted stroke, nor seemed to decline it. He looked upon his weapon +himself with some pleasure, and guiding it with his hand to the +inviting; slit, drew aside the lips, and lodged it (after some thrusts, +which Polly seemed even to assist) about half way; but there it stuck, I +suppose from its growing thickness: he draws it again, and just wetting +it with spittle, re-enters, and with ease sheathed it now up to the +hilt, at which Polly gave a deep sigh, which was quite another tone than +one of pain; he thrusts, she heaves, at first gently, and in a regular +cadence; but presently the transport began to be too violent to observe +any order or measure; their motions were too rapid, their kisses too +fierce' and fervent for nature to support such fury long: both seemed to +me out of themselves: their eyes darted fires: "Oh! oh! I can't bear it. +It is too much. I die. I am going," were Polly's expressions of extasy: +his joys were more silent: but soon broken murmurs, sighs heart-fetched, +and at length a dispatching thrust, as if he would have forced himself +up her body, and then the motionless languor of all his limbs, all +shewed that the die-away moment was come upon him; which she gave signs +of joining with by, the wild throwing of her hands about, closing her +eyes, and giving a deep sob, in which she seemed to expire in an agony +of bliss. + +When he had finished his stroke, and got from off her, she lay still +without the least motion, breathless, as it should seem, with pleasure. +He replaced her again breadth-wise on the couch, unable to sit up, with +her thighs open, between which I could observe a kind of white liquid, +like froth, hanging about the outward lips of that recently opened +wound, which now glowed with a deeper red. Presently she gets up, and +throwing her arms round him, seemed far undelighted with the trial he +had put her to, to judge, at least by the fondness with which she eyed, +and hung upon him. + +For my part, I will not pretend to describe what I felt over me during +this scene; but from that instant, adieu all fears of what man can +do unto me! they were now changed into such ardent desires, such +ungovernable longings, that I could have by the sleeve, and offered him +the bauble, which I now imagined the loss of would be a gain I could not +too soon procure myself. + +Phoebe, who had more experience, and to whom such sights were not so +new, could not however, be unmoved at so warm a scene; and drawing me +away softly from the peeping hole, for fear of being overheard, guided +me as the door as possible, all passive and obedient to her least +signals. + +Here was no room either to sit or lie, but making me stand with my back +towards the door, she lifted up my petticoats, and with her busy fingers +fell to visit and explore that part of me, where I was perfectly sick +and ready to die with desire; that the bare touch of her finger, in +that critical place, had the effect of a fire to a train, and her hand +instantly made her sensible to what a pitch I was wound up, and melted +by the sight she had thus procured me. Satisfied then with her success, +in allaying a heat that would have made me impatient of seeing the +continuation of the transactions between our amourous couple, she +brought me again to the crevice, so favourable to our curiosity. + +We had certainly been but a few instants away from it, and yet on our +return we saw everything in good forwardness for recommencing the tender +hostilities. + +The young foreigner was sitting down, fronting us, on the coach, with +Polly upon one knee, who had her arms round his neck, whilst the extreme +whiteness of her skin was not undelightfully contrasted by the smooth +glossy brown of her lover's. + +But who could count the fierce, unnumbered kisses given and taken? +In which I could often discover their mouths were double tongued, +and seemed to favour the mutual insertion with the greatest gust and +delight. + +In the meantime, his red-headed champion, that had so lately fled the +pit, quelled and abashed, was now recovered to the top of his condition, +perked and crested up between Polly's thighs, who was not wanting, on +her part, to coax and keep it in good humour, stroking it, with her +head down, and receiving even its velvet tip between the lips of not +its proper mouth: whether it was to render it more glib and easy of +entrance, I could not tell; but it had such an effect, that the young +gentleman seemed by his eyes, that sparkled with more excited lustre, +and his inflamed countenance, to receive increase of pleasure. He got +up, and taking Polly in his arms, embraced her, and said something too +softly for me to hear, leading her withal to the foot of the couch, and +taking delight to slap her thighs and posteriors with that stiff sinew +of his, which hit them with a spring that he gave it with his hand, and +made them resound again, but her about as much as he meant to hurt her, +for she seemed to have as frolic a taste as himself. + +But guess my surprise, when I saw the lazy young rogue lie down on his +back, and gently pull down Polly upon him, who giving way to his humour, +stradled, and with her hands conducted her blind favourite to the right +place; and following her impulse, ran directly upon the flaming point of +this weapon of pleasure, which she staked herself upon, up pierced, and +infixed to the extremest hair breadth of it: thus she sat on him a few +instants, enjoying and relishing her situation, whilst he toyed with +her provoking breasts. Sometimes she would stoop to meet his kiss: but +presently the sting of pleasure spurred them up to fiercer action; then +began the storm of heaves, which, from the undermost combatant, were +thrust at the same time, he crossing his hands over her, and drawing +her home to him with a sweet violence: the inverted strokes of anvil +over hammer soon brought on the critical period, in which all the signs +of a close conspiring extasy informed us of the point they were at. + +For me, I could bear to see no more; I was so overcome, so inflamed at +the second part of the same play, that, mad to an intolerable degree, +I hugged, I clasped Phoebe, as if she had wherewithal to relieve me. +Pleased however with, and pitying the taking she could feel me in, she +drew towards the door, and opening it softly as she could, we both got +off undiscovered, and reconducted me to my own room, where, unable to +keep my legs, in the agitation I was in, I instantly threw myself down +on the bed, where I lay transported, though ashamed at what I felt. + +Phoebe lay down by me, and asked me archly, "if, now that I had seen +the enemy, and fully considered him, I was still afraid of him? or did +I think I could come to a close engagement with him?" To all which, not a +word on my side; I sighed, and could scarcely breathe. She takes hold +of my hand, and having rolled up her own petticoats, forced it half +strivingly, towards those parts, where, now grown more knowing, I missed +the main object of my wishes; and finding not even the shadow of what I +wanted, where every thing was so fiat, or so hollow, in the vexation +I was in at it. I should have withdrawn my hand, but for fear of +disobliging her. Abandoning it then entirely to her management, she made +use of it as she thought proper, to procure herself rather the shadow +than the substance of any pleasure. For my part, I now pined for more +solid food, and promised tacitly to myself that I would not be put off +much longer with this foolery of woman to woman, of Mrs. Brown did not +soon provide me with the essential specific. In short, I had all the air +of not being able to wait the arrival of my lord B----, though he was +now expected in a very fews days: nor did I wait for him, for love +itself took charge of the disposal of me, in spite of interest, or gross +lust. + +It was now two days after the closet scene, that I got up about six in +the morning, and leaving my bedfellow fast asleep, stole down, with no +other thought than of taking a little fresh air in a small garden, which +our back parlour opened into, and from which my confinement debarred me, +at the times company came to my house; but now sleep and silence reigned +all over it. + +I opened the parlour door, and well surprised was I at seeing, by the +side of a fire half-out, a young gentleman in the old lady's elbow +chair, with his legs laid upon another, fast asleep, and left there by +his thoughtless companions, who had drank him down, and then went off +with every one but his mistress, whilst he stayed behind by the courtesy +of the old matron, who would not disturb or turn him out in that +condition at one in the morning; and beds, it is more than probable +there were none to spare. On the table still remained the punch bowl and +glasses, stewed about in their usual disorder after a drunken revel. + +But when I drew nearer, to view the sleeping estray, heavens! what +a sight! No! term of years, no turn of fortune could ever eraze the +lightninglike impression his form made on me. Yes! dearest object of +my earliest passion, I command for ever the remembrance of thy first +appearance to my ravished eyes, it calls thee up, present; and I see +thee now. + +Figure to yourself, Madam, fair stripling between eighteen and nineteen, +with his head reclined on one of the sides of the chair, his hair +disordered curls, irregularly shading a face, on which all the roseate +bloom of youth and all the manly graces conspired to fix my eye +sand heart; even the languour and paleness of his face, in which the +momentary triumph of the lily over the rose was owing to the excesses +of the night, gave an inexpressible sweetness to the finest features +imaginable: his eyes, closed in sleep, displayed the meeting edges of +their lids beautifully bordered with long eye-lashes; over which no +pencil could have described two more regular arches than those that +graced his forehead, which was high, perfectly white and smooth; then a +pair of vermilion lips, pouting and swelling to the touch, as if a bee +had freshly stung them, seemed to challenge me to get the gloves off +this lovely sleeper, had not the modesty and respect, which in both +sexes are inseparable from a true passion, checked my impulses. + +But on seeing his shirt collar unbottoned, and bosom whiter than a drift +of snow, the pleasure of considering it could not bribe me to lengthen +it, at the hazard of a health that began to be my life's concern. Love, +that made me timid, taught me to be tender too: with a trembling hand +I took hold of one of his, and waking him as gently as possible, he +started, and looking, at first a little wildly, said with a voice that +sent its harmonious sound to my heart: "Pray, child, what-a-clock is +it?" I told him, and added that he might catch cold if he slept longer +with his breast open in the cool of the morning air. On this he thanked +me with a sweetness perfectly agreeing with that of his features and +eyes; the last now broad open, and eagerly surveying me, carried the +surightly fires they sparkled with directly to my heart. + +It seems, that having drank too freely before he came upon the rake with +some of his young companions, he had put himself out of a condition to +go through all the weapons with them, and crown the night with a getting +a mistress; so that seeing me in a loose undress, he did not doubt but I +was one of the misses of the house, sent in to repair his loss of time; +but though he seized that notion, and a very obvious one it was, without +hesitation, yet, whether my figure made a more than ordinary impression +on him, or whether it was his natural politeness, he addressed me in +a manner far from rude, though still on the foot of one of the house +pliers come to amuse him; and giving me the first kiss that I ever +relished from man in my life, asked me if I could favour him with my +company, assuring me that he would make it worth my while: but had +not even new-born love, that true refiner of lust, opposed so sudden a +surrender, the fear of being surprised by the house was a sufficient bar +to my compliance. + +I told him then, in a tone set by love itself, that for reasons I had +not time to explain to him. I could not stay with him, and might even +ever see him again, with a sigh at these words, which broke from the +bottom of my heart. My conqueror, who, as he afterwards told me, had +been struck with my appearance, and liked me as much as he could think +of liking any one in my supposed way of life, asked me briskly at once, +if I would be kept by him, and that he would take a lodging for me +directly, and relieve me from any engagements he presumed I might be +under to the house. + +Rash, sudden, undigested, even dangerous as this offer might be from a +perfect stranger, and that stranger a giddy boy, the prodigious love +I was struck with for him, had put a charm into every objection: I not +resisting, and blinded me to every objection; I could, at that instant, +have died for him: think if I could resist an invitation to live with +him! Thus my heart, beating strong to the proposal, dictated my answer, +after scarce a minute's pause, that I would accept of his offer, and +make my escape to him in what way he pleased, and that I would be +entirely at his disposal, let it be good or bad. I have often since +wondered that so great an easiness did not disgust him, or make me too +cheap in his eyes, but my fate had so appointed it, that in his fears of +the hazzard of the town, he had been some time looking out for a girl to +take into keeping, and my person happening to hit his fancy, it was by +one of those miracles reserved to love, that we struck the bargain in +the instant, which we sealed by an exchange of kisses, that the hopes of +a more uninterrupted enjoyment engaged him to content himself with. + +Never, however, did dear youth carry in his head more wherewith +to justify the turning of a girl's head, and making her set all +consequences at defiance, for the sake of following a gallant. + +For, besides all the perfections of manly beauty which were assembled in +his form, he had an air of neatness and gentility, certain smartness in +the carriage and port of his head, that yet more distinguished him; his +eyes were sprightly and full of meaning; his looks had in them something +at once sweet and commanding; his complexion out-bloomed the lovely +coloured rose, whilst its inimitable tender vivid glow clearly saved +it from the reproach of wanting life, of raw and dough-like, which is +commonly made of those so extremely fair as he was. + +Our little plan was, that I should get out about seven the next morning +(which I could readily promise, as I knew where to get the key of the +street door) and he would wait at the end of the street with a coach +to convey me safe off; after which, we would send, and clear any debt +incurred by my stay at Mrs. Brown's, who, he only judged, in gross, +might not care to part with one, he thought, so fit to draw custom to +the house. + +I then just hinted to him not to mention in the house his having seen +such a person as me, for reasons I would explain to him more at leisure. +And then, for fear of miscarrying, by being seen together, I tore myself +from him with a bleeding heart, and stole up softly to my room, where +I found Phoebe still fast asleep, and hurrying off my few clothes, +lay down by her, with a mixture of joy and anxiety, that may be easier +conceived than expressed. + +The risks of Mrs. Brown's discovering my purpose, of disappointments, +misery, ruin, all vanished before this new-kindled flame. The seeing, +the touching, the being, if but for a night, with this idol of my +fond virgin heart, appeared to me a happiness above the purchase of my +liberty or life. He might use me ill, let him: he was the master, happy, +too happy, even to receive death at so dear a hand. + +To this purpose were the reflections of the whole day, of which every +minute seemed to me a little eternity. How often did I visit the clock! +nay, was tempted to advance the tedious hand, as if that would have +advanced the time with it! Had those of the house had the least +observations on me, they must have remarked something extraordinary from +the discomposure I could not help betraying; especially when at dinner +mention was made of the charmingest youth having been there, and stayed +breakfast. "Oh! he was such a beauty!... I should have died for him!... +they would pull caps for him!..." and the like fooleries; which, +however, was throwing oil on a fire I was sorely put to it to smother +the blaze of. + +The fluctuations of my mind, the whole day, produced one good effect: +which was, that, through mere fatigue, I slept tolerably well till five +in the morning, when I got up, and having dressed myself, waited, under +the double tortures of fear and impatience, for the appointed hour. +It came at last, the dear, critical, dangerous hour came; and now, +supported only by the courage love lent me, I ventured, a tip-toe, down +stairs, leaving my box behind, for fear of being surprized with it in +going out. + +I got to the street door, the key whereof was always laid on the +chair by our bed side, in trust with Phoebe, who having not the least +suspicion of my entertaining any design to go from them (nor, indeed, +had I, but the day before), made no reserve or concealment of it from +me. I opened the door with great ease; love, that emboldened, protected +me too: and now, got safe into the street, I saw my new guardian angel +waiting at a coach door, ready open. How I got to him I know not: I +suppose I flew; but I was in the coach in a trice, and he by the side of +me, with his arms clasped round me, and giving me the kiss of welcome. +The coachman had his orders, and drove to them. + +My eyes were instantly filled with tears, but tears of the most +delicious delight; to find myself in the arms of that beauteous youth, +was a rapture that my little hear swam in; past or future were equally +out of the question with me; the present was as much as all my powers +of life were sufficient to bear the transport of, without fainting. Nor +were the most tender embraces, the most soothing expressions wanting +on his side, to assure me of his love, and of never giving me cause to +repent the bold step I had taken, in throwing myself thus entirely upon +his honour and generosity. But, alas! this was no merit in me, for I was +drove to it by a passion too impetuous for me to resist, and, I did what +I did, because I could not help it. + +In an instant, for time was now annihilated with me, we were landed at a +public house in Chelsea, hospitably commodious for the reception of duet +parties of pleasure, where a breakfast of chocolate was prepared for us. + +An old jolly stager, who kept it, and understood life perfectly well, +breakfasted with us, and leering archly at me, gave us both joy, and +said, "we were well paired, i' faith! that a great many gentlemen and +ladies used his house, but he had never seen a handsomer couple... he +was sure I was a fresh piece... I looked so country, so innocent! well +my spouse was a lucky man!..." all which, common landlord's cant, not +only pleased and soothed me, but helped to diver my confusion at being +with my new sovereign, whom, the minute approached, I began to fear to +be alone with: a timidity which true love had a greater share in than +even maiden bashful-ness. + +I wished, I doated, I could have died for him; and yet, I know not how, +or why I dreaded the point which had been the object of my fiercest +wishes; my pulses beat fears, amidst a flush of the warmest desires. +This struggle of the passions, however, this conflict betwixt modesty +and lovesick longings, made me burst again into tears; which he took, as +he had done before, only for the remains of concern and emotion at the +suddenness of my change of condition, in committing myself to his care; +and, in consequence of that idea, did and said all that he thought would +most comfort and re-inspirit me. + +After breakfast, Charles (the dear familiar name I must take the liberty +henceforward to distinguish my Adonis by), with a smile full of meaning, +took me gently by the hand, and said: "Come, my dear, I will show you +a room that commands a fine prospect over some gardens"; and without +waiting for an answer, in which he relieved me extremely, he led me up +into a chamber, airy and lightsome, where all seeing of prospects was +out of the question, except that of a bed, which had all the air of +recommending the room to him. + +Charles had just slipped the bolt of the door, and running, caught me in +his arms, and lifting me from the ground, with his lips glued to mine, +bore me trembling, panting, dying with soft fears and tender wishes, to +the bed; where his impatience would not suffer him to undress me, more +than just unpinning my handkerchief and gowns, and unlacing my stays. + +My bosom was now bare, and rising in the warmest throbs, presented to +his sight and feeling the firm hard swell of a pair of young breast, +such as may be imagined of a girl not sixteen, fresh out of the country, +and never before handled: but even their pride, whiteness, fashion, +pleasing resistance to the touch, could not bribe his restless hands +from roving; but, giving them the loose, my petticoats and shift were +soon taken up, and their stronger center of attraction laid open to +their tender invasion. My fears, however, made me mechanically close +my thighs; but the very touch of his hand insinuated between them, +disclosed them and opened a way for the main attack. + +In the mean time, I lay fairly exposed to the examination of his eyes +and hands, quiet and unresisting; which confirmed him the opinion he +proceeded so cavalierly upon, that I was no novice in these matters, +since he had taken me out of a common bawdy house, nor had I said one +thing to prepossess him of my virginity; and if I had, he would sooner +have believed that I took him for a cully that would swallow such an +improbability, than that I was still mistress of that darling treasure, +that hidden mine, so eagerly sought after by the men, and which they +never dig for, but to destroy. + +Being now too high wound up to bear a delay, he unbuttoned, and drawing +out the engine of love assaults, drove it currently, as at a ready +made breach... Then! then! for the first time, did I feel that stiff +horn-hard gristle, battering against the tender part; but imagine to +yourself his surprise, when he found, after several vigorous pushes, +which hurt me extremely, that he made not the least impression. + +I complained, but tenderly complained: "I could not bear it... indeed +he hurt me!..." Still he thought no more, than that being so young, the +largeness of his machine (for few men could dispute size with him) made +all the difficulty; and that possibly I had not been enjoyed by any so +advantageously made in that part as himself: for still, that my virgin +flower was yet un-cropped, never entered into his head, and he would +have thought it idling with time and words, to have questioned me upon +it. + +He tried again, still no admittance, still no penetration; but he had +hurt me yet more, while my extreme love made me bear extreme pain, +almost without a groan. At length, after repeated fruitless trials, he +lay down panting by me, kissed my falling tears, and asked me tenderly +"what was the meaning of so much complaining? and if I had not borne it +better from other than I did from him?" I answered, with a simplicity +framed to persuade, that he was the first mam that ever served me so. +Truth is powerful, and it is not always that we do not believe what we +eagerly wish. + +Charles, already disposed by the evidence, of his senses to think my +pretences to virginity not entirely apocryphal, smothers me with kisses, +begs me, in the-name of love, to have a little patience, and that he +wilt be as tender of hurting me as he would be of himself.. + +Alas! it was enough I knew his pleasure to submit joyfully to him, +whatever pain I foresaw it would cost, me. + +He now resumes his attempts in more form: first, he put one of the +pillows under me, to give the blank of his aim a more favourable +elevation, and another Under my head, in ease of it; then spreading my +thighs, and placing himself standing betwen them, made them rest upon +his; applying then the point of his machine to the slit, into which he +sought entrance, it was so small, he could scarce assure himself of its +being rightly pointed. He looks, he feels, and satisfies himself: +there driving on with fury, its prodigious stiffness, thus impacted, +wedgelike, breaks the union of those parts, and gained him just the +insertion of the tip of it, lip deep; which being sensible of, he +improved his advantage, and following well his stroke, in a straight +line, forcibly deepens his penetration; but put me to such intolerable +pain, from the separation of the sides of that soft passage by a hard +thick body, I could have screamed out; but, as I was unwilling to alarm +the house, I held in my breath, and crammed my petticoat, which was; +turned up over my face, into my mouth, and bit it through in the agony. +At length, the tender texture of that tract giving way to such fierce +tearing and rending, he pierced something further into me: and now, +outrageous and no longer his own master, but borne headlong away by the +fury and over-mettle of that member, now exerting itself with a kind +of native rage, he breaks in, carries all before him, and one violent +merciless lunge, sent it, imbrued, and reeking with virgin blood, up +to the very hilt in me... Then! then all my resolution deserted me: I +screamed out, and fainted away with the sharpness of the pain; and, as +he told me afterwards, on his drawing out, when emission was over with +him, my thighs were instantly all in a stream of blood, that flowed from +the wounded torn passage. + +When I recovered my senses, I found myself undressed and a-bed, in the +arms of the sweet relenting murderer of my virginity, who hung mourning +tenderly over me, and holding in his hand a cordial, which, coming from +the still dear author of so much pain, I could not refuse; my eyes, +however, moistened with tears, and languishingly turned upon him, seemed +to reproach him with his cruelty, and ask him, if such were the rewards +of love. But Charles, to whom I was now infinitely endeared by his +complete triumph over a maidenhead, where he so little expected to find +one, in tenderness to that pain which he had put me to, in procuring +himself the height of pleasure, smothered his exultation, and employed +himself with so much sweetness, so much warmth, to sooth, to caress, and +comfort me in my soft complainings, which breathed, indeed, more love +than resentment, that I presently drowned all sense of pain in the +pleasure of seeing him, of thinking that I belonged to him: he who was +now the absolute disposer of my happiness, and, in one word, my fate. + +The sore was, however, too tender, the wound too bleeding fresh, for +Charles's good-nature to put my patience presently to another trial; but +as I could not stir, or walk a-cross the room, he ordered the dinner +to be brought to the bed side, where it could not be otherwise than my +getting down the wing of a fowl, and two or three glasses of wine, since +it was my adored youth who both served, and urged them on me, with that +sweet irresistible authority with which love had invested him over me. + +After dinner, and everything but the wine was taken away, Charles very +impudently asks a leave, he might read the grant of in my eyes, to come +to bed to me, and accordingly falls to undressing; which I could not see +the progress of without strange emotions of fear and pleasure. + +He is now in bed with me the first time, and in broad day; but when +thrusting up his own shirt and my shift, he laid his naked glowing body +to mine... oh insupportable delight! oh! superhuman rapture! what pain +could stand before a pleasure so transporting? I felt no more the smart +of my wounds below; but, curling round him like the tendril of a vine, +as if I feared any part of him should be untouched or unpressed by me, I +returned his strenuous embraces and kisses with a fervour and gust only +known to true love, and which mere lust never rise to. + +Yes, even at this time, that all the tyranny of the passions is fully +over, and that my veins roll no longer but a cold tranquil stream, the +remembrance of those passages that most affected me in my youth, still +cheers and refreshes me; let me proceed then. My beauteous youth was now +glued to me in all the folds and twists that we could make our bodies +meet in; when, no longer able to rein in the fierceness of refreshed +desires, he gives his steed the head, and gently insinuating his thighs +between mine, stopping my mouth with kisses of humid fire, makes a fresh +eruption, and renewing his thrusts, pierces, tears, and forces his way +up the torn tender folds, that yielded him admission with a smart little +less severe that when the breach was first made I stifled, however, my +cries, and bore him with the passive fortitude of an heroine; soon his +thrusts, more and more furious, cheeks flushed with a deeper scarlet, +his eyes turned up in the fervent fit, some dying sighs, and an +agonizing shudder, announced the approaches of that extatic pleasure, I +was yet in too much pain to come in for my share of. + +Nor was it till after a few enjoyments had numbed and blunted the +sense of the smart, and given me to feel the titillating inspersion of +balsamic sweets, drew from me the delicious return, and brought down all +my passion, that I arrived at excess of pleasure through excess of pain. +But, when successive engagements had broke and inured me, I began to +enter into the true unalloyed relish of that pleasure of pleasures, when +the warm gush darts through all the ravished inwards; what floods of +bliss! what melting transports! what agonies of delight! too fierce, +too mighty for nature to sustain?... well has she therefore, no doubt +provided the relief of a delicious momentary dissolution, the approaches +of which are intimated by a dear delirium, a sweet thrill, on the point +of emitting those liquid sweets, in which enjoyment itself is drowned, +when one gives the languishing stretch out, and die at the discharge. + +How often, when the rage and tumult of my senses had subsided, after +the melting flow, have I, in a tender meditation, asked myself cooly the +question, if it was in nature for any of its creatures to be so happy as +I was? Or, what were all fears of the consequence, put in the scale of +one night's enjoyment, of any thing so transcendently the taste of my +eyes and heart, as that delicious, fond, matchless youth. + +Thus we spent the whole afternoon, till supper time in a continued +circle of love delights, kissing, turtle-billing, toying, and all the +rest of the feast. At length, supper was served in, before which Charles +had, for I do not know what reason, slipped his clothes on; and sitting +down by the bed side, we made table and tablecloth of the bed and +sheets, whilst he suffered nobody to attend or serve but himself. He +ate with a very good appetite, and seemed charmed to see me eat. For +my part, I was so transported with the comparison of the delights I +now swam in, with the insipidity of all my past scenes of life, that I +thought them sufficiently cheap, at even the price of my ruin, or the +risk of their not lasting. The present possession was all my little head +could find room for. + +We lay together that night, when, after playing repeated prizes of +pleasure, nature, overspent and satisfied, gave us up to the arms of +sleep: those of my dear youth encircled me, the consciousness of which +made even that sleep more delicious. + +Late in the morning I waked, first; and observing my lover slept +profoundly, softly disengaged myself from his arms, scarcely daring to +breathe, for fear of shortening his repose; my cap, my hair, my shift, +were all in disorder, from the rufflings I had undergone; and I took +this opportunity to adjust and set them as well as I could: whilst, +every now and then, looking at the sleeping youth, with inconceivable +fondness and delight, and reflecting on all the pain he had put me to, +tacitly owned that the pleasure had overpaid me for my sufferings. + +It was then broad day. I was sitting up in the bed, the clothes of +which were all tossed, or rolled off, by the unquietness of our motions, +from the sultry heat of the weather; nor could I refuse myself a +pleasure that solicited me so irresistibly, as this fair occasion of +feasting my sight with all those treasures of youthful beauty I had +enjoyed, and which lay now almost entirely naked, his shirt being +trussed up in a perfect wisp, which the warmth of the season and room +made me easy about the consequence of. I hung over him enamoured indeed! +and devoured all his naked charms with only two eyes, when I could have +wished them at least an hundred for the fuller enjoyment of the gaze. + +Oh! could I paint his figure as I see it now, still present to my +transported imagination! a whole length of an all perfect manly beauty +in full view. Think of a face without a fault, glowing with all the +opening bloom and verdant freshness of an age, in which beauty is of +either sex, and which the first down over his upper lip scarce began to +distinguish. + +The parting of the double ruby pout of his lips seemed to exhale an air +sweeter and purer than what it drew in: ah! what violence did it not +cost me to refrain the so tempted kiss! + +Then a neck exquisitely turned, graved behind and on the sides with fais +hair, playing freely in natural ringlets, connected his head to a body +of the most perfect form, and of the most vigorous contexture, in which +all the strength of manhood was concealed, and softened to appearance +by the delicacy of his complexion, the smoothness of his skin, and the +plumpness of his flesh. + +The platform of his snow white bosom, that was laid out in a manly +proportion, presented, on the vermilion summit of each pap, the idea of +a rose about to blow. + +Nor did his shirt hinder me from observing the symmetry of his limbs, +that exactness of shape, in the fall of it towards the loins, where the +waist ends and the rounding swell of the hips commences; where the skin, +sleek, smooth, and dazzling white, burnishes on; the stretch-over firm, +plump, ripe flesh, that crimped' and ran into dimples at the least +pressure, or that the touch could not rest upon, but slid over on the +surface of the most polished ivory. + +His thighs, finely fashioned, and with a florid glossy roundness, +gradually tapering away to the knees, seemed pillars worthy to support +that beauteous frame at the bottom of which I could not, without +some remains of terror, some tender emotions too, fix my eyes on that +terrible machine, which had, not long before, with such fury broke into, +torn, and almost ruined those soft, tender parts of mine, that had not +yet done smarting with the effects of its rage; but behold it now! crest +fallen, reclining its half-caped vermilion head over one of his thighs, +quiet, pliant, and to all appearances incapable of the mischiefs and +cruelty it had committed. Then the beautiful growth of the hair, in +short and soft curls round its roots, its whiteness, branched veins, the +supple softness of the shaft, as it lay foreshortened, rolled and +shrunk up into a squat thickness, languid, and borne up from between +his thighs, by its globular appendage, that wondrous treasure bag +of nature's sweets, which revelled round, and pursed up in the +only wrinkles that are known to please, perfected the prospect, and +altogether formed the most interesting moving picture in nature, and +surely infinitely superior to those nudities furnished by the painters, +statuaries, or any art, which are purchased at immense prices; whilst +the sight of them in actual life is scarce sovereignly tasted by any +but the few whom nature has endowed with a fire of imagination, warmly +pointed by a truth of judgment to the spring-head, the originals of +beauty, of nature's unequalled composition, above all the imitations of +art, or the reach of wealth to pay their price. + +But every thing must have an end. A motion made by this angelic youth, +in the listlessness of goingoff sleep, replaced his shirt and the bed +clothes in a posture that shut up that treasury from longer view. + +I lay down then, and carrying my hands to that part of me in which the +objects just seen had begun to raise a mutiny, that prevailed over the +smart of them, my fingers now opened themselves an easy passage; but +long I had not time to consider the wide difference there, between +the maid and the now finished woman, before Charles waked, and turning +towards me, kindly enquired how I had rested? and, scarce giving me time +to answer, imprinted on my lips one of his burning rapture kisses, which +darted a flame to my heart, that from thence radiated to every part of +me; and presently, as if he had proudly meant revenge for the survey I +had smuggled of all his naked beauties, he spurns off the bed clothes, +and trussing up my shift as high as it would go, took his turn to feast +his eyes on all the gifts nature had bestowed on my person; his busy +hands, too, ranged intemperately over every part of me. The delicious +austerity and hardness of my yet unripe budding breasts, the whiteness +and firmness of my flesh, the freshness and regularity of my features, +the harmony of my limbs, all seemed to confirm him in his satisfaction +with his bargain; but when curious to explore the havock he had made +in the centre of his over fierce attack, he not only directed his hands +there, but with a pillow put under, placed me favourably for his +wanton purpose of inspection. Then, who can express the fire his eyes +glistened, his hands glowed with! whilst sighs of pleasure, and tender +broken exclamations, were all the praises he could utter. By this time +his machine, stiffly risen at me, gave me to see it in its highest state +and bravery. He feels it himself, seems pleased at its condition, and, +smiling loves and graces, seizes one of my hands, and carries it, with +gentle compulsion, to this pride of nature, and its richest master +piece. + +I, struggling faintly, could not help feeling what I could not grasp, a +column of the whitest ivory, beautifully streaked with blue veins, and +carrying, fully un-capt, a head of the liveliest vermilion: no horn +could be harder or stiffer; yet no velvet more smooth or delicious to +the touch. Presently he guided my hand lower, to that part in which +nature, and pleasure keep their stores in concert, so aptly fastened +and hung on to the root of their first instrument and minister, that not +improperly he might be styled their purse-bearer too: there he made +me feel distinctly, through their soft cover, the contents, a pair of +roundish balls, that seemed to play within, and elude all pressure, but +the tenderest, from without. + +But now this visit of my soft, warm hand, in those so sensible parts, +had put every thing into such ungovernable fury, disdaining all further +preluding, and taking advantage of my commodious posture, he made the +storm fall where I scarce patiently expected, and where he was sure +to lay it: presently, then, I felt the stiff intersection betwen the +yielding, divided lips of the wound, now open for life; where the +narrowness no longer put me to intolerable pain, and afforded my lover +no more difficulty than what heightened his pleasure, in the strict +embrace of that tender, warm sheath, round the instrument it was so +delicately adjusted to, and which now cased home, so gorged me with +pleasure, that it perfectly suffocated me and took away my breath; then +the killing thrusts! the unnumbered kisses! every one of which was a joy +inexpressible; and that joy lost in a crowd of yet greater blisses! But +this was a disorder too violent in nature to last long: the vessels, so +stirred and intensely heated, soon boiled over, and for that time +put out the fire; meanwhile all this dalliance and disport had so +far consumed the morning, that it became a kind of necessity to lay +breakfast and dinner into one. + +In our calmer intervals Charles gave the following account of himself, +every tittle of which was true. He was the only son of a father, who, +having a small post in the revenue, rather overlived his income, and had +given this young gentleman a very slender education: no profession +had he bred him up to, but designed to provide for him in the army, by +purchasing him an ensign's commission, that is to say, provided he could +raise the money, or procure it by interest, either of which clauses was +rather to be wished than hoped for by him. On no better a plan, however, +had his improvident father suffered this youth, a youth of great +promise, to run up to the age of manhood, or near it at least, in next +to idleness; and had, besides, taken no sort of pains to give him even +the common premonitions against the vices of the town, and the dangers +of all sorts which wait the unexperienced and unwary in it. He lived at +home, and at discretion with his father, who himself kept a mistress; +and for the rest, provided Charles did not ask him for money, he was +indolently kind to him: he might lie out when he pleased, any excuse +would serve, and even his reprimands were so slight, that they carried +with them rather an air of connivance at the fault, than any serious +control or constraint. But, to supply his calls for money, Charles, +whose mother was dead, had, by her side, a grandmother, who doated +upon him. She had a considerable annuity to live on, and very regularly +parted with every shilling she could spare, to this darling of her's, to +the no little heart-burn of his father; who was vexed, not that she, by +this means, fed his son's extravagance, but that she preferred Charles +to himself; and we shall too soon see what a fatal turn such a mercenary +jealousy could operate on the breast of a father. + +Charles was, however, by the means of his grandmother's lavish fondness, +very sufficiently enabled to keep a mistress, so easily contented as my +love made me; and my good fortune, for such I must ever call it, threw +me in his way, in the manner above related, just as he was on the +look-out for one. + +As to temper, the even sweetness of it made him seem born for domestic +happiness: tender, naturally polite, and gentle-manner'd; it could never +be his fault, if ever jars, or animosities ruffled a calm he was so +qualified every way to maintain or restore. Without those great or +shining qualities that constitute a genius, or are fit to make a noise +in the world, he had all those humble ones that compose the softer +social merit: plain common sense, set off with every grace of modesty +and good nature, made him, if not admired, what is much happier: +universally beloved and esteemed. But, as nothing but the beauties +of his person had at first attracted my regard and fixed my passion, +neither was I then a judge of the internal merit, which I had afterwards +full occasion to discover, and which, perhaps, in that season of +giddiness and levity, would have touched my heart very little, had it +been lodged in a person less the delight of my eyes, and idol of my +senses. But to return to our situation. + +After dinner, which we ate a-bed in most voluptuous disorder, Charles +got up, and taking a passionate leave of me for a few hours, went to +town, where concerting matters with a young sharp lawyer, they went +together to my late venerable mistress's, from whence I had, but the +day before, made my elopement, and with whom he was determined to settle +accounts, in a manner that should cut off all after reckonings from that +quarter. + +Accordingly they went; but by the way, the Templar, his friend, on +thinking over Charles's information, saw reason to give their visit +another turn, and, instead of offering satisfaction, to demand it. + +On being let in, the girls of the house flocked round Charles, whom they +knew, and from the earlyness of my escape, and their perfect ignorance +of his ever having so much as seen me, not having the least suspicion of +his being accessory to my flight, they were, in their way, making up to +him; and as to his companion, they took him probably for a fresh cully. +But the Templar soon checked their forwardness, by enquiring for the old +lady, with whom he said, with a grave-like countenance, that he had some +business to settle. + +Madam was immediately sent for down, and the ladies being desired to +clear the room, the lawyer asked her, severely, if she did know, or had +not decoyed, under pretence of hiring as a servant, a young girl, just +come out of the country, called Frances or Fanny Hill, describing me +withal as particularly as he could from Charlie's description. + +It is peculiar to vice to tremble at the enquiries of justice; and +Mrs. Brown, whose conscience was not entirely clear upon my account, +as knowing as she was of the town as hackneyed as she was in bluffing +through all the dangers of her vocation, could not help being alarmed at +the questions, especially when he went on to talk of a Justice of peace, +Newgate, the Old Bailey, indictments for keeping a disorderly house, +pillory, carting, and the whole process of that nature. She, who, it is +likely, imagined I had lodged an information against her house, looked +extremely blank, and began to make a thousand protestations and excuses. +However, to abridge, they brought away triumphantly my box of things, +which, had she not ben under an awe, she might have disputed with them; +and not only that, but a clearance and discharge of any demands on the +house, at the expense of no more than a bowl of arrack-punch, the +treat of which, together with the choice of the house conveniences, +was offered and not accepted. Charles all the time acted the chance +companion of the lawyer, who had brought him there, as he knew the +house, and appeared in no wise interested in the issue; but he had the +collateral pleasure of hearing all that I told him verified, as far as +the bawd's fears would give her leave to enter into my history, which, +if one may guess by the composition she so readily came into, were not +small. + +Phoebe, my kind tutoress Phoebe, was at the time gone out, perhaps in +search of me, or their cooked-up story had not, it is probable, passed +smoothly. + +This negociation had, however, taken up some time, which would have +appeared much longer to me, left as I was, in a strange house, if the +landlady, a motherly sort of a woman, to whom Charles had liberally +recommended me, had not come up and borne me company. We drank tea, and +her chat helped to pass away the time very agreeably, since he was our +theme; but as the evening deepened, and the hour set for his return was +elapsed, I could not dispel the gloom of impatience, and tender fears +which gathered upon me, and which our timid sex are apt to feel in +proportion to their love. + +Long, however, I did not suffer: the sight of him over-paid me; and the +soft reproach I had prepared for him, expired before it reached my lips. + +I was still a-bed, yet unable to use my legs otherwise than awkwardly, +and Charles flew to me, catches me in his arms, raised and extending +mine to meet his dear embrace, and gives me an account, interrupted by +many a sweet parenthesis of kisses, of the success of his measures. + +I could not help laughing at the fright of the old woman had been put +into, which my ignorance, and indeed my want of innocence, had far from +prepared me from bespeaking. She had, it seems, apprehended that I fled +the shelter to some relation I had recollected in town, on my dislike +of their ways and proceedings towards me, and that this application came +from thence; for, as Charles had rightly judged, not one neighbour had, +at that still hour, seen the circumstance of my escape into the coach, +or, at least, noticed him; neither had any in the house, the least hint +of suspicion of my having spoken to him, much less of my having clapt +up such a sudden bargain with a perfect stranger, thus the greatest +improbability is not always what we should most mistrust. + +We supped with all the gaiety of two young giddy creatures at the top of +their desires; and as I had given up to Charles the whole charge of my +future happiness, I thought of nothing beyond the exquisite pleasure of +possessing him. + +He came to bed in due time; and this second night, the pain being pretty +well over, I tasted, in full draught, all the transports of perfect +enjoyment: I swam, I bathed in bliss, till both fell asleep, through the +natural consequences of satisfied desires, and appeased flames; nor did +we wake but to renewed raptures. + +Thus, making the most of love, and life did we stay in this lodging +in Chelsea about ten days; in which time Charles took care to give his +excursions from home a favourable gloss, and to keep his footing +with his fond indulgent grand-mother, from whom he drew constant and +sufficient supplies for the charge I was to him, and which was very +trifling, in comparison with his former less regular course of pleasure. + +Charles removed me then to a private ready furnished lodging in D.... +street, St. James's, where he paid half a guinea a week for two rooms +and a closet on the second floor, which he had been some time looking +out for, and was more convenient for the frequency of his visits, than +where he had at first placed me, in a house, which I cannot say but +I left with regret, as it was infinitely endeared to me by the first +possession of my Charles, and the circumstance of losing, there, that +jewel, which can never be twice lost. The landlord, however, had no +reason to complain of any thing, but of a procedure in Charles too +liberal not to make him regret the loss of us. + +Arrived at our new lodging, I remember I thought them extremely fine, +though ordinary enough, even at that price; but, had it been a dungeon +that Charles had brought me to, his presence would have made a little +Versailles. + +The landlady, Mrs. Jones, waited on us to our apartment, and with great +volubility of tongue, explained to us all its conveniences: "that her +own maid should wait on us... that the best of quality had lodged at +her house... that her first floor was let to a foreign secretary of an +embassy, and his lady... that I looked like a very good natured lady..." +At the word lady, I blushed out of flattered vanity: this was strong +for a girl of my condition; for though Charles had the precaution of +dressing me in a less tawdry flaunting style than were the clothes I +escaped to him in, and of passing me for his wife, that she had secretly +married, and kept private (the old story) on account of his friends, I +dare swear this appeared extremely apocryphal to a woman who knew the +town so well as she did; but that was the least of her concern: it was +impossible to be less scruple-ridden than she was; and the advantage of +letting her rooms being her sole object, the truth itself would have far +from scandalized her, or broke her bargain. + +A sketch of her picture, and personal history, will dispose you to +account for the part she is to act in my concern. + +She was about forty six years old, tall, meagre, red-haired, with one +of those trivial ordinary faces you meet with every where, and go +about unheeded and un-mentioned. In her youth she had been kept by a +gentleman, who, dying, left her forty pounds a year during her life, in +consideration of a daughter he had by her: which daughter, at the age +of seventeen, she sold, for not a very considerable sum neither, to a +gentleman who was going on envoy abroad, and took his purchase with him, +where he used her with the utmost tenderness, and it is thought, was +secretly married to her: but had constantly made a point of her not +keeping up the least correspondence with a mother base enough to make a +market of her own flesh and blood. However, as she had not nature, +nor, indeed, any passion but that of money, this gave her no further +uneasiness, then, as she thereby lost a handle of squeezing pres-sents, +or other after-advantages, out of the bargain. Indifferent then, by +nature of constitution, to every other pleasure but that of increasing +the lump, by any means whatever, she commenced a kind of private +procuress, for which she was not amiss fitted, by her grave decent +appearance, and sometimes did a job in the match-making way; in short, +there was, nothing that appeared to her under the shape of gain, that +she would not have undertaken. She knew most of the ways of the town, +having not only herself been upon, but kept up constant intelligences in +promoting a harmony between the two sexes, in private pawn-broking, and +other profitable secrets. She rented the house she lived in, and made +the most of it, by letting it out in lodgings; though she was worth, at +least, near three or four thousand pounds, she would not allow herself +even the necessaries, of life, and pinned her subsistence entirely on +what she could squeeze out of her lodgers. + +When she saw such a young pair come under her roof, her immediate +notions, doubtless, were how she should make the most money of us, by +every means that money might be made, and which, she rightly judged, our +situations and inexperience would soon beget her occasions of. + +In this hopeful sanctuary, and under the clutches of this harpy, did +we pitch our residence. It will not be might material to you, or very +pleasant to me, to enter into a detail of all the petty cut-throat ways +and means with which she used to fleece us; all which Charles indolently +chose to bear with, rather than take the trouble of removing, the +difference of expense being scarce attended to by a young gentleman who +had no ideas of stint, or even economy, and a raw country girl who knew +nothing of the matter. + +Here, however, under the wings of my sovereignly beloved, did the most +delicious hours of my life flow on; my Charles I had, and, in him, +every thing my fond heart could wish or desire. He carried me to plays, +operas, masquerades, and every diversion of the town; all which pleased +me, indeed, but pleased me infinitely the more for his being with me, +and explaining every thing to me, and enjoying perhaps, the natural +impressions of surprise and admiration, which such sights, at the first, +never fail to excite in a country girl, new to the delights of them; but +to me, they sensibly proved the power and dominion of the sole passion +of my heart over me, a passion in which soul and body were concentered, +and left me no room for any other relish of life but love. + +As to the men I saw at those places, or at any other, they suffered so +much in the comparison my eyes made of them with my all-perfect Adonis, +that I had not the infidelity even of one wandering thought to reproach +myself with upon his account. He was the universe to me, and all that +was not him, was nothing to me. + +My love, in fine, was so excessive, that is arrived at annihilating +every suggestion or kindling spark of jealousy; for, one idea only, +tending that way, gave me such exquisite torment, that my self-love, and +dread of worse than death, made me for ever renounce and defy it: nor +had I, indeed, occasion; for, were I to enter here on the recital of +several instances wherein Charles sacrificed to me women of much greater +importance than I dare hint (which, considering his form, was no such +wonder), I might, indeed, give you full proof of his unshaken constancy +to me; but would not you accuse me of warming up against a feast, which +my vanity ought long ago to have been satisfied with? + +In our cessations from active pleasure, Charles framed himself one, in +instructing me, as far as his own lights reached, in a great many +points of life, that I was, in consequence of my no-education, perfectly +ignorant of: nor did I suffer one word to fall in vain from the mouth of +my lovely teacher: I hung on every syllable he uttered, and received, +as oracles, all he said; whilst kisses were all the interruption I could +not refuse myself the pleasure of admitting, from lips that breathed +more than Arabian sweetness, I was in a little time enabled, by the +progress I had made, to prove the deep regard I had paid to all that he +had said to me: repeating it to him almost word for word; and to shew +that I was not entirely the parrot, but that I reflected upon, that I +entered into it, I joined my own comments, and asked him questions of +explanation. + +My country accent, and the rusticity of my gait, manners, and +deportment, began now sensibly to wear off: so quick was my observation, +and so efficacious my desire of growing every day worthier of his heart. + +As to money, though, he brought me constantly all he received, it was +with difficulty he even got me to give it room in my bureau; and what +clothes I had, he could prevail on me to accept of on no other foot, +than that of pleasing him by the greater neatness in my dress, beyond +which I had no ambition. I could have made a pleasure of the greatest +toil, and worked my fingers to the bone, with joy, to have supported +him: guess, then, if I could harbour any idea of being burthensome to +him, and this disinterested turn in me was so unaffected, so much the +dictate of my heart, that Charles could not but feel it: and if he did +not love me as much as I did him (which was the constant and only matter +of sweet contention between us), he managed so, at least, as to give me +the satisfaction of believing it impossible for man to be more tender, +more true, more faithful than he was. + +Our landlady, Mrs. Jones, came frequently up to my apartment, from +whence I never stirred on any pretext without Charles; nor was it +long before she wormed out, without much art, the secret of our having +cheated the church of a ceremony, and, in course, of the terms we lived +together upon; a circumstance which far from displeased her, considering +the designs she had upon me, and which, alas! she will have too soon, +room to carry into execution. But in the meantime, her own experience +of life let her see, that any attempt, however indirect or disguised, +to divert or break, at least presently, so strong a cement of hearts +as ours was, could only end in losing two lodgers, of whom she had made +very competent advantages, if either of us came to smoke her commission, +for a commission she had from one of her customers, either to debauch, +or get me away from my keeper at any rate. + +But the barbarity of my fate soon saved her the task of disuniting us. +I had now been eleven months with this life of my life, which had passed +in one continued rapid stream of delight: but nothing so violent was +ever made to last. I was about three months gone with a child by him, +a circumstances would have added to his tenderness, had he ever left +me room to believe it could receive an addition, when the mortal, the +unexpected blow of separation fell upon us. I shall gallop post-over +the particulars, which I shudder yet to think of, and cannot; to this +instant, reconcile myself how, or by what means I could out-live it. + +Two live-long days had I lingered through without hearing from him, I +who breathed, who existed but in him, and had never yet seen twenty-four +hours pass without seeing or hearing from him. The third day my +impatience was so strong, my alarms had been so severe, that I perfectly +sickened with them; and being unable to support the shock longer, I sunk +upon the bed, and ringing for Mrs. Jones, who had far from comforted +me under my anxieties, she came up, and I had scarce breath and spirit +enough to find words to beg of her, if she would save my life, to fall +upon some means of finding out, instantly, what was become of its +only prop and comfort. She pitied me in a way that rather sharpened my +affliction than suspended it, and went out upon this commission. + +For she had but to go to Charles's house, who lived but an easy +distance, in one of the streets that run into Covent Garden. There she +went into a public house, and from thence sent for a mid servant, whose +name I had given her, as the properest to inform her. + +The maid readily came, and as readily, when Mrs. Jones enquired of her +what had become of Mr. Charles, or whether he was gone out of town, +acquainted her with the disposal of her master's son, which, the very +day after, was no secret to the servants. Such sure measures had he +taken, for the most cruel punishment of his child for having more +interest with his grandmother than he had, though he made use of a +pretence, plausible enough, to get rid of him in this secret abrupt +manner, for fear her fondness should have interposed a bar to his +leaving England, and proceeding on a voyage he had concerted for him; +which pretext was, that it was indispensably necessary to secure a +considerable inheritance that devolved to him by the death of a rich +merchant (his own brother) at one of the factories in the South Seas, of +which he had lately received advice, together with a copy of the will. + +In consequence of which resolution, to send away his son, he had, +unknown to him, made the necessary preparations for fitting him out, +struck a bargain with the captain of a ship, whose punctual execution of +his orders he had secured, by his interest with his principal owners +and patron; and, in short, concerted his measures so secretly, and +effectually, that whilst the son thought he was going down to the +river, that would take him a few hours, he was stopt on board of a ship, +debarred from writing, and more strictly watched than a State criminal. + +Thus was the idol of my soul torn from me, and forced on a long voyage, +without taking leave of one friend, or receiving one line of comfort, +except a dry explanation and instructions, from his father, how to +proceed when he should arrive at his destined port, enclosing, withal, +some letters of recommendation to a factor there: all these particulars +I did not learn minutely till some time after. + +The maid, at the same time, added, that she was sure this usage of her +sweet young master would be the death of his grand-mamma, as indeed it +proved true; for the old lady, on hearing it, did not survive the news +a whole month, and as her fortune consisted in an annuity, out of which +she had laid up no reserves, she left nothing worth mentioning to her so +fatally envied darling, but absolutely refused to see his father before +she died. + +When Mrs. Jones returned, and I observed her looks, they seemed so +unconcerned, and even nearest to pleased, that I half flattered myself +she was going to set my tortured heart at ease, by bringing me good +news; but this, indeed, was a cruel delusion of hope: the barbarian, +with all the coolness imaginable, stabs me to the heart, in telling +me, succinctly, that he was sent away, at least, on a four years' voyage +(here she stretched maliciously), and that I could not expect, +in reason, ever to see him again: and all this with such pregnant +circumstances, that I could not escape giving them credit, as they were, +indeed, too true! + +She had hardly finished her report before I fainted away, and after +several successive fits, all the while wild and senseless, I miscarried +of the dear pledge of my Charles's love; but the wretched never die when +it is fittest they should die, and women are hard-lived! to a proverb. + +The cruel and interested care taken to recover me, saved an odious life: +which, instead of the happiness and joys it had overflower in, all of +a sudden presented no view before me of any thing but the depth of +misery, horror, and the sharpest affliction. + +Thus I lay six weeks, in the struggles of youth and constitution, +against the friendly efforts of death, which I constantly invoked to +my relief and deliverance, but which proved too weak for my wish. I +recovered at length, but into a state of stupefaction and despair, that +threatened me with the loss of my senses, and a mad house. + +Time, however, that great comforter in ordinary, began to assuage the +violence of my suffering, and to-numb my feeling of them. My health +returned to me, though I still retained an air of grief, dejection, and +languor, which taking off from the ruddiness of my country complexion, +rendered it rather more delicate and affecting. + +The landlady had all this while officiously provided, and seen that I +wanted for nothing: and as soon as she saw me retrieved into a condition +of answering her purpose, one day, after we had dined together, she +congratulated me on my recovery, the merit of which she took entirely +to herself, and all this by way of introduction to a most terrible, and +scurvy epilogue: "You are now," says she, "Miss Fanny, tolerably well, +and you are very welcome to stay in these lodgings as; long as you +please! you see I have asked you for nothing this long time, but truly +I have a call to make up a sum of money, which must be answered." +And, with that, presents me with a bill of arrears for rent, diet, +apothecaries' charges, nurse, etc., sum total twenty-three pounds, +seventeen and six-pence: towards discharging of which I had not in the +world (which she well knew) more than seven guineas, left by chance, of +my dear Charles's common stock, with me. At the same time, she desired +me to tell her what course I would take for payment. I burst out into +a flood of tears, and told her my condition: that I would sell what +few clothes I had, and that, for the rest, would pay her as soon as +possible. But my distress, being favourable to her view, only stiffened +her the more. + +She told me, very cooly, that "she was indeed sorry for my misfortunes, +but that she must do herself justice, though it would go to the very +heart of her to send such a tender young creature to prison...." At the +word "prison!" every drop of my blood chilled, and my fright acted so +strongly upon me, that, turning as pale and faint as a criminal at the +first sight of his place of execution, I was on the point of swooning. +My landlady, who wanted only to terrify me to a certain point, and not +to throw me into a state of body inconsistent with her designs upon it, +began to sooth me again, and told me, in a tone composed to more pity +and gentleness, that "it would be my own fault, if she was forced to +proceed to such extremities; but she believed there was a friend to be +found in the world, who would make up matters to both our satisfactions, +and that she would bring him to drink tea with us that very afternoon, +when she hoped we would come to a right understanding in our affairs." +To all this, not a word of answer; I sat mute, confounded, terrified. + +Mrs. Jones, however, judging rightly that it was time to strike while +the impressions were so strong upon me, left me to myself and to all +the terrors of an imagination, wounded to death by the idea of going to +prison, and, from a principle of self-preservation, snatching at every +glimpse of redemption from it. + +In this situation I sat near half an hour, swallowed up in grief and +despair, when my landlady came in, and observing a death-like dejection +in my countenance, still in pursuance of her plan, put on a false pity, +and bidding me be of good heart: "Things," she said, "would be but +my own friend"; and closed with telling me "she had brought a very +honourable gentleman to drink tea with me, who would give me the best +advice how to get rid of all my troubles." Upon which, without waiting +for a reply, she goes out, and returns with this very honourable +gentleman, whose very honourable procuress she had been, on this, as +well as other occasions. + +The gentleman, on his entering the room, made me a very civil bow, which +I had scarce strength, or presence of mind enough to return a curtsey +to; when the landlady, taking upon her to do all the honours of the +first interview (for I had never, that I remember, seen the gentleman +before), sets a chair for him, another for herself. All this while not a +word on either side; a stupid stare was all the face I could put on this +strange visit. + +The tea was made, and the landlady, unwilling, I suppose, to lose any +time, observing my silence and shyness before this entire stranger: +"Come, Miss Fanny," says she, in a coarse familiar style, and tone of +authority, "hold up your head, child, and do not let sorrow spoil that +pretty face of yours. What! sorrows are only for a time; come, be free, +here is a worthy gentleman who has heard of your misfortunes, and is +willing to serve you; you must be better acquainted with him, do not you +now stand upon your punctilios, and this and that, but make your market +while you may." + +At this so delicate, and eloquent harangue, the gentleman, who saw I +loooked frighted and amazed, and, indeed, incapable of answering, took +her up for breaking things in so abrupt a manner, as rather to shock +than incline me to an acceptance of the good he intended me then, +addressing himself to me, told me "he was perfectly acquainted with my +whole story, and every circumstance of my distress which he owned was a +cruel plunge for one of my youth and beauty to fall into.... that he had +long taken a liking to my person, for which he appealed to Mrs. Jones, +there present; but finding me so deeply engaged to another, he had lost +all hopes of succeeding, till he had heard the sudden reverse of fortune +that had happened to me, on which he had given particular orders to my +landlady to see that I should want for nothing; and that, had he not +been forced abroad to the Hague, on affairs he could not refuse himself +to, he would himself have attended me during my sickness;... that on +his return, which was the day before, he had, on learning my recovery, +desired my landlady's good offices to introduce him to me, and was +as angry, at least, as I was shocked, at the manner in which she had +conducted herself towards obtaining him that happiness; but, that to +show me how much he disdained her procedure, and how far he was from +taking any ungenerous advantage of my situation, and from exacting +any security for my gratitude, he would before my face, that instant, +discharge my debt entirely to my landlady, and give me her receipt in +full; after which I should be at liberty either to reject or grant his +suit, as he was much above putting any force upon my inclinations." + +Whilst he was exposing his sentiments to me, I ventured just to look up +to him, and observed his figure, which was that of a very well-looking +gentleman, well made, of about forty, dressed in a suit of plain +clothes, with a large diamond ring on one of his fingers, the lustre of +which played in my eyes as he waved his hand in talking, and raised my +notions of his importance. In short, he might pass for what is commonly +called a comely black man, with an air of distinction natural to his +birth and condition. + +To all his speeches, however, I answered only in tears that flower +plentifully to my relief, and choking up my voice, excused me from +speaking, very luckily, for I should not have known what to say. + +The sight, however, moved him, as he afterwards told me, irresistibly, +and by way of giving me some reason to be less powerfully afflicted, he +drew out his purse, and calling for pen and ink, which the landlady was +prepared for, paid her every farthing of her demand, independent of a +liberal gratification which was to follow unknown to me, and taking a +receipt in full, very tenderly forced me to secure it, by guiding my +hand, which he had thrust it into, so as to make me passively put it +into my pocket. + +Still I continued in a state of stupidity, or melancholic despair, as +my spirits could not yet recover from the violent shocks that they had +received; and the accommodating landlady had actually left the room, and +me alone with this strange gentleman, before I had observed it, and then +I observed it without alarm, for I was now lifeless, and indifferent to +every thing. + +The gentleman, however, no novice in affairs of this sort, drew near me; +and, under the pretence of comforting me, first with his handkerchief +dried my tears as they ran down my cheeks: presently he ventured to kiss +me on my part, neither resistance nor compliance. I sat stock still; and +now looking on myself as bought by the payment that had been transacted +before me. + +I did not care what became of my wretched body: and wanting life, +spirits, or courage to oppose the least struggle, even that of the +modesty of my sex, I suffered, tamely, whatever the gentleman pleased; +who proceeding insensibly from freedom to freedom, insinuating his hand +between my handkerchief and bosom, which he handled at discretion: +finding thus no repulse, and that every thing favoured, beyond +expectation, the completion of his desires, he took me in his arms, and +bore me, without life or motion, to the bed, on which laying me gently +downed, and having me at what advantage he pleased, I did not so much +as know what he was about, till recovering from a trance of lifeless +insensibility, I found him buried in me, whilst I lay passive and +innocent of the least sensations of pleasure: a death-cold corpse could +scarce have less life or sense in it. As soon as he had thus pacified +a passion which had too little respected the condition I was in, he got +off, and after recomposing the disorder of my clothes, employed himself +with the utmost tenderness to calm the transports of remorse and madness +at myself, with which I was seized, too late, I confess, for having +suffered on that bed, the embraces of an utter stranger I tore my hair, +wrung my hands, and beat my breast like a mad woman. But when my new +master, for in that light I then viewed him, applied himself to appease +me, as my whole rage was levelled at myself, no part of which I thought +myself permitted to aim at him, I begged of him with more submission +than anger, to leave me alone, that I might, at least, enjoy my +affliction in quiet. This he positively refused, for fear, as he +pretended, I should do myself a mischief. Violent passions seldom last +long, and those of women least of any. A dead still calm succeeded this +storm, which ended in a profuse shower of tears. + +Had any one, but a few instants before, told me that I should have ever +known any man but Charles, I would have spit in his face or had I been +offered infinitely a greater sum of money than that I saw paid for me, +I had spurned the proposal in cold blood. But our virtues and our vices +depend too much on our circumstances; unexpectedly beset as I was, +betrayed by a mind weakened by a long severe affliction, and stunned +with the terrors of a goal, my defeat will appear the more excusable, +since I certainly was not present at, or a party in any sense to it. +However, as the first enjoyment is decisive, and he was now over the +bar, I thought I had no longer a right to refuse the caresses of one +that had got that advantage over me, no matter how obtained; conforming +myself then to this maxim, I considered myself as so much in his power, +that I endured his kisses and embraces without affecting struggles or +anger; not that he, as yet, gave me any pleasure, or prevailed over the +aversion of my soul, to give myself up to any sensation of that sort; +what I suffered, I suffered out of a kind of gratitude, and as a matter +of course what had passed. + +He was, however, so regardful as not to attempt the renewal of those +extremities which had thrown me, just before, into such violent +agitations; but, now secure of possession, contented himself with +bringing me to temper by degrees, and waiting at the hand of time +for those fruits of generosity and courtship, which he since often +reproached himself with having gathered much too green, when, yielding +to the inability to resist him, and overborne by desires, he had wreaked +his passion on a mere lifeless, spiritless body, dead to all purpose of +joy, since taking none, it ought to be supposed incapable of giving any. +This is, however, certain; my heart never thoroughly forgave him the +manner in which I had fallen to him, although, in point of interest, +I had fallen to him, I had reason to be pleased that he found, in my +person, wherewithal to keep him from leaving me as easily as he had had +me. + +The evening was, in the mean time, so far advanced, that the maid came +in to lay the cloth for supper, when I understood, with joy, that my +landlady, whose sight was present poison to me, was not to be with us. + +Presently a neat and elegant supper was introduced, and a bottle of +Burgundy, with the other necessaries, were set on a dumb-waiter. + +The maid quitting the room, the gentleman insisted, with a tender +warmth, that I should sit up in the elbow chair by the fire, and see him +eat, if I could not be prevailed on to eat myself. I obeyed with a heart +full or affliction, at the comparison it made between those delicious +tete-a-tetes with my very dear youth, and this forced situation, this +new awkward scene, imposed and obtruded on me a cruel necessity. + +At supper, after a great many arguments used to comfort and reconcile +me to my fate, he told me that his name was H..., brother to the Earl +of L.... and that having, by the suggestions of my landlady, been led +to see me, he had found me perfectly to his taste, and given her +a commission to procure me at any rate, and that at length he had +succeeded, as much to his satisfaction as he passionately wished it +might be to mine adding, withal, some flattering assurances, that I +should have no cause to repent my knowledge of him. + +I had now got down at least half a partridge, and three or four glasses +of wine, which he compelled me to drink by way of restoring nature, but +whether there was any thing extraordinary put into the wine, or whether +there wanted no more to revive the natural warmth of my constitution, +and give fire to the old train, I began no longer to look with that +constraint, not to say disguise, on Mr. H...., which I had hitherto +done but, withal, there was not the least grain of love mixed with this +softening of my sentiments: any other man would have been just the same +to me as Mr. H..., that stood in the same circumstances, and had done +for me, and with me, what he had done. + +There are not, on earth at least, eternal griefs; mine were, if not at +an end, at least suspended: my heart, which had been so long overloaded +with anguish and vexation, began to dilate and open to the last gleam +of diversion or amusement. I wept a little, and my tears relieved me; I +sighed, and my sighs seemed to lighten me of a load that oppressed me; +my countenance grew, if not cheerful, at least more composed and free. + +Mr. H..., who had watched, perhaps brought on this change, knew too well +not to seize it: he thrust the table imperceptibly from between us, and +bringing his chair to face me, he soon began, after preparing me by all +the endearments of assurance and protestations, to lay hold of my hands, +to kiss me, and once more to make free with my bosom, which, being at +full liberty from the disorder of a loose dishabile, now panted and +throbbed, less with indignation than with fear and bashfulness, at being +used so familiarly by still a stranger. But he soon gave me greater +occasion to exclaim, by stooping down and slipping his hands above my +garters; thence he strove to regain the pass, which he had before found +so open, and unguarded; but now he could not unlock the twist of my +thighs; I gently complained, and begged him to let me alone; told him +I was not well. However, he saw there was more form and ceremony in my +resistance, than good earnest; he made his conditions for desisting from +pursuing his point, that I should be put instantly to bed, whilst he +gave certain orders to the landlady, and that he would return in an +hour, when he hoped to find me more reconciled to his passion for me, +than I seemed at present. I neither assented nor denied, but my air and +manner of receiving his proposal, gave him to see that I did not think +myself enough my own mistress to refuse it. + +Accordingly he went out and left me, when a minute or two after, before +I could recover myself into any composure for thinking, the maid came +in with her mistress's service, and a small silver orringer of what she +called a bridal posset, and desired me to eat it as I went to bed, +which consequently I did, and felt immediately a heat, a fire run like a +hue-and-cry through every part of my body; I burnt, I glowed, and wanted +even little of wishing for any man. + +The maid, as soon as I was lain down, took the candle away, and wishing +me a good night, went out of the room, and shut the door after her. + +She had hardly time to get down stairs, before Mr. H.... opened my room +door softly, and came in, now undressed, in his night-gown and cap, +with two lighted wax candles, and bolting the door, gave me, though I +expected him, some sort of alarm. He came a tip-toe to the bed side, and +saying with a gentle whisper: "Pray, my dear, do not be startled... I +will be very tender and kind to you." He then hurried off his clothes, +and leaped into bed, having given me openings enough, whilst he was +stripping, to observe his brawny structure, strong made limbs, and rough +shaggy breast. + +The bed shook again when it received this new load. He lay on +the outside, where he kept the candles burning, no doubt for the +satisfaction of every sense, for as soon as he had kissed me, he rolled +down the bed clothes, and seemed transported with the view of all my +person at full length, which he covered with a profusion of kisses, +sparing no part of me. Then, being on his knees between my thighs, he +drew up his shirt, and bared all his hairy thighs, and stiff staring +truncheon, red top, and rooted into a thicket of curls, which covered +his belly to the novel, and gave it the air of a flesh brush; and soon +I feel it joining close to mine, when he had drove the nail up to the +head, and left no partition but the intermediate hair on both sides. + +I had it now, I felt it now, and, beginning to drive, he soon gave +nature such a powerful summons down to her favourite quarters, that she +could no longer refuse repairing thither; all my animals spirits then +rushed mechanically to that center of attraction, and presently, inly +warmed, and stirred as I was beyond bearing, I lost all restraint, and +yielding to the force of the emotion, gave down, as mere woman, those +effusions of pleasure, which, in the strictness of still faithful love, +I could have wished to have kept in. + +Yet oh! what an immense difference did I feel between this impression of +a pleasure merely animal, and struck out of the collision of the sexes, +by a passive bodily effect, from that sweet fury, that rage of active +delight which crowns the enjoyments of a mutual love passion, where two +hearts, tenderly and truly united, club to exalt the joy, and give it +a spirit and soul that bids defiance to that end which mere momentary +desires generally terminate in, when they die of a surfeit of +satisfaction! + +Mr. H..., whom no distinctions of that sort seemed to distract, scarce +gave himself or me breathing time from the last encounter, but, as if he +had tasked himself to prove that the appearances of his vigour were +no signs hung out in vain, in a few minutes he was in a condition for +renewing the onset; to which, preluding with a storm of kisses, he drove +the same course as before, with unbated fervour; and thus, in repeated +engagements, kept me constantly in exercise, till dawn of morning, in +all which time he made me fully sensible of the virtues of his firm +texture of limbs, his square shoulders, broad chest, compact hard +muscles, in short a system of manliness, that might pass for no bad +image of our ancient sturdy barons, whose race is now so thoroughly +refined and frittered away into the more delicate and modern built frame +of our pap-nerved softlings, who are as pale, as pretty, and almost as +masculine as their sisters. + +Mr. H..., content, however, with having the day break upon his triumph, +resigned me up to the refreshment of a rest we both wanted, and we soon +dropped into a profound sleep. + +Though he was some time awake before me, yet he did not offer to disturb +a repose he had given me so much occasion for; but on my first stirring, +which was not till past ten o'clock, I was obliged to endure one more +trial of his manhood. + +About eleven, in came Mrs. Jones, with two basins of the richest soup, +which her experience in these matters had moved her to prepare. I pass +over the fulsome compliments, the cant of the decent procuress, with +which she saluted us both; but though my blood rose at the sight of her, +I supprest my emotions, and gave all my concerne to reflections on what +would be the consequence of this new engagement. + +But Mr. H..., who penetrated my uneasiness, did not suffer me to +languish under it, and acquainted me, that having taken a solid sincere +affection to me, he would begin by giving me one leading mark of it, in +removing me out of a house which must, for many reasons, be irksome and +disagreeable to me, into convenient lodgings, where he would take all +imaginable care of me; and desiring not to have any explanations with +my landlady, or be impatient till he returned, he dressed and went out, +having left me a purse with two and twenty guineas in it, being all +he had about him, as he express it, to keep my pocket still further +supplied. + +As soon as he was gone, I felt the usual consequence of the first launch +into vice (for my love attachment to Charles never appeared to me in +that light). I was instantly borne away down the stream without making +back to the shore. My dreadful necessities, my gratitude, and above all, +to say the plain truth, the dissipation and diversion I began to find +in this new acquaintance, from the black corroding thoughts my heart had +been a prey to, ever since the absence of my dear Charles, concurred to +stun all my contrary reflections. If I now thought of my first, my only +charmer, it was still with the tenderness and regret of the fondest +love, embittered with the consciousness that I was no longer worthy +of him. I could have begged my bread with him all over the world, but +wretch that I was! I had neither the virtue or courage requisite not to +outlive my separation from him. + +Yet, had not my heart been thus preengaged, Mr. H... might probably have +been the sole master of it; but the place was full, and the force of +conjectures alone had made him the possessor of my person; the charms +of which had, by the bye, been his sole object and passion, and were, of +course, no foundation for a love either very delicate or very durable. + +He did not return till six in the evening', to take me away to my +new lodgings; and my moveables being soon packed, and conveyed into +a hackney coach, it cost me but little regret to take my leave of a +landlady whom I thought I had so much reason not to be over pleased +with; and as for her part, she made no other difference to my staying or +going, but what that of the profit created. + +We soon got to the house appointed for me, which was that of a plain +tradesman, who, on the score of interest, was entirely at Mr. H...'s +devotion, and who let him the first floor, very genteelly furnished, +for two guineas a week, of which I was instated mistress, with a maid to +attend me. + +He stayed with me that evening, and we had a supper from a neighbouring +tavern, after which, and a gay glass or two, the maid put me to bed. Mr. +H.... soon followed, and notwithstanding the fatigues of the preceding +night, I found no quarter nor remission from him: he piquet himself, as +he told me, on doing the honours of my new apartment. + +The morning being pretty well advanced, we got to breakfast; and the ice +now broke, my heart, no longer engrossed by love, began to take ease, +and to please itself with such trifles Mr. H....'s liberal liking led +him to make his court to the usual vanity of our sex. Silks, laces: +ear rings, pearl necklace, gold watch, in sort, all the trinkets and +articles of dress were lavishly heaped upon me; the sence of which, if +it did not create returns of love, forced a kind of grateful fondness, +something like love: a distinction which it would be spoiling the +pleasure of nine tenths of the keepers in the town to make, and is, I +suppose, the very good reason why so few of them ever do make it. + +I was now established the kept mistress in form, well lodged, with a +very sufficient allowance, and lighted up with all the lustre of dress. + +Mr. H.... continued kind and tender to me; yet, with all this, I was +far from happy: for, besides my regrets for my dear youth, which, +though often suspended or diverted, still returned upon me in certain +melancholic moments with redoubled violence, I wanted more society, +more dissipation. + +As to Mr. H.... he was so much my superior in every sense, that I felt +it too much to the disadvantage of the gratitude I owed him. Thus he +gained my esteem, though he could not raise my taste; I was qualified +for no sort of conversation with him, except one sort, and that is a +satisfaction which leaves tiresome intervals, if not filled up by love, +or other amusements. + +Mr. H...., so experienced, so learned in the ways of women, numbers +of whom had passed through his hands, doubtless, soon perceived this +uneasiness, and, without approving, or liking me the better for it, had +the complaisance to indulge me. + +He made suppers at my lodging, where he brought several companions of +his pleasures, with their mistresses; and by this means I got into a +circle of acquaintance, that soon stripped me of all the remains of +bashfulness and modesty which might be yet left of my country education, +and were, to a just taste, perhaps, the greatest of my charms. + +We visited one another in form, and mimicked, as near as we could, all +the miseries, the follies, and impertinencies of the women in quality, +in the round of which they trifle away their time, without it ever +entering their little heads, that on earth there cannot subsist any +thing more silly, more flat, more insipid and worthless, than, generally +considered, their system of life is: they ought to treat the men as +their tyrants, indeed! were they to condemn them to it. + +But though, amongst the kept mistresses (and I was now acquainted with +a good many, besides some useful matrons, who live by their connexions +with them), I hardly knew one that did not perfectly detest their +keepers, and, of course, made little or no scruple of any infidelity +they could safely accomplish, I had still no notion of wronging mine: +for, besides that no mark of jealousy on his side started me the hint, +or gave me the provocation to play him a trick of that sort, and that +his constant generosity, politeness, and tender attention to please me, +forced a regard to him, that, without affecting my heart, insured him my +fidelity, no object had yet presented that could overcome the habitual +liking I had contracted for him and I was on the eve of obtaining, from +the movements of his own voluntary generosity, a modest provision for +life, when an accident happened which broke all the measures he had +resolved upon in my favour. + +I had now lived near seven months with Mr. H.... when one day returning +to my lodgings, from a visit in the neighbourhood, where I used to stay +longer, I found the street door open, and the maid of the house standing +at it, talking with some of her acquaintance, so that I came in without +knocking and, as I passed by, she told me Mr. H.... was above. I slept +up stairs into my own bed-chamber, with no other thought than of pulling +off my hat etc., and then to wait upon him in the dining room, into +which my bed-chamber had a door, as is common enough. Whilst I was +untying my hat strings, I fancied I heard my maid Hannah's voice and a +sort of tustle, which raised my curiosity; I stole softly to the door, +where a knot in the wood had been slipped out, and afforded a very +commanding peep-hole to the scene then in agitation, the actors of which +had been to earnestly employed to hear my opening my own door, from the +landing place of the stairs, into my bedchamber. + +The first sight that struck me was Mr. H.... pulling and hauling this +coarse country strammel towards a couch that stood in a corner of the +dining-room; to which the girl made only a sort of awkward holdening +resistance, crying out so loud, that I, who listened at the door, could +scarce hear her: "Pray Sir, don't.., let me alone... I am not for your +turn... You cannot, sure, demean yourself with such a poor body as I... +Lord! Sir, my mistress may come home... I must not indeed... I will +cry out..." All of which did not hinder her from insensibly suffering +herself to be brought to the foot of the couch, upon which a push of no +mighty violence served to give her a very easy fall, and my gentleman +having got up his hands to the strong hold of her Virtue, she, no +doubt, thought it was time to give up the argument, and that all further +defense would be vain: and he, throwing her petticoats over her face, +which was now as red as scarlet, discovered a pair of stout, plump, +substantial thighs, and tolerably white; he mounted them round his haps, +and coming out with his drawn weapon, stuck it in the cloven sport, +where he seemed to find a less difficult entrance than perhaps he had +flattered himself with (for, by the way, this blouse had left her place +in the country, for a bastard), and, indeed, all his motions shewed he +was lodged pretty much at large. After he had done, his Deare gets up, +drops her petticoats down, and smooths her apron and handkerchief. Mr. +H.... looked a little silly, and taking out some money, gave it her, +with an air indifferent enough, bidding her be a good girl, and say +nothing. + +Had I loved this man, it was not in nature for me to have had patience +to see the whole scene through: I should have broke in and played the +jealous princess with a vengeance. But that was not the case: my pride +alone was hurt, my heart not, and I could easier win upon myself to see +how far he would go, till I had no uncertainty upon my conscience. + +The least delicate of all affairs of this sort being now over, I retired +softly into my closet, where I began to consider what I should do. My +first scheme naturally, was to rush in and upbraid them; this, indeed, +flattered my present emotions and vexations, as it would have given +immediate vent to them; but, on second thoughts, not being so clear +as to the consequence to be apprehended from such a step, I began my +discovery still a safer season, when dissembly my discovery till a safer +season, when Mr. H.... should have perfected the settlement he had +made overtures to me of, and which I was not to think such a violent +explanation, as I was indeed not equal to the management of, could +possibly forward, and might destroy. On the other hand, the provocation +seemed too gross, too flagrant not to give me some thoughts of revenge; +the very start of which idea restored me to perfect composure; and +delighted as I was with the confused plan of it in my head, I was +easily mistress enough of myself to support the part of ignorance I +had prescribed to myself; and as all this circle of reflections was +instantly over, I stole a tip-toe to the passage door, and opening it +with a noise, passed for having that moment come home; and after a short +pause, as if to pull off my things, I opened the door into the dining +room, where I fund the dowdy blowing the fire, and my faithful shepherd +walking about the room, and wistling, as cool and unconcerned as if +nothing had happened. I think, however, he had not much to brag of +having out-dissembled me: for I kept up, nobly, the character of our sex +for art, and went up to him with the same open air of frankness as I had +ever received him. He stayed but a little while, made some excuse for +not being able to stay the evening with me, and went out. + +As for the wench, she was now spoiled, at least for my servant; and +scarce eight and forty hours were gone round, before her insolence, on +what had passed betwen Mr. H.... and her, gave me so fair an occasion +to turn her away, at a minute's warning, that, not to have done it would +have been the wonder; so that he could neither disapprove it nor find +in it the least reason to suspect my original motive. What became of her +afterwards, I know not; but generous as Mr. H.... was, he undoubtedly +made her amends: though, I dare answer, that he kept up no further +commerce with her of that sort; as his stooping to such a coarse morsel, +was only a sudden sally of lust, on seeing a wholesome looking, buxom +country wench, and no more strange than hunger, or even a whimsical +appetite's making a fling meal of neck-beef, for change of diet. + +Had I considered this escapade of Mr. H.... in no more than that light +and contented myself with turning away the wench, I had thought and +acted right; but, flushed as I was with imaginary wrongs, I should have +held Mr. H... to have been cheaply off, if I had not pushed my revenge +farther, and repaid him, as exactly as could for the soul of me, in the +same coin. + +Nor was this worthy act of justice long delayed: I had it too much at +heart. Mr. H... had, about a fortnight before, taken into his service +a tenant's son, just come out the country, a very handsome young lad, +scarce turned of nineteen, fresh as a rose, well sharped and clear +limbed: in short, a very good excuse for any woman's liking, even +though revenge had been out of the question; any woman, I say, who +was disprejudiced, and that wit and spirit enough to prefer a point of +pleasure to a point of pride. + +Mr. H... had clapped a livery upon him; and his chief employ was, after +being shewn my lodgings, to bring and carry letters or messages between +his master and me; and as the situation of all kept ladies is not +the fittest to inspire respect, even to the meanest of mankind, and, +perhaps, less of it from the most ignorant, I could not help observing +that this lad, who was, I suppose, acquainted with my relation to his +master by his fellow servants, used to eye me in that bashful confused +way, more expressive, more moving and readier caught at by our sex, than +any other declarations whatever: my figure had, it seems, struck him, +and modest and innocent as he was, he did not himself know that the +pleasure he took in looking at me was love, or desire; but his eyes, +naturally wanton, and now inflamed with passion, spoke a great deal more +than he durst have imagined they did. Hitherto, indeed, I had only taken +notice of the comeliness of the youth, but without the least design: my +pride alone would have guarded me from a thought that way, had not +Mr. H....'s condescension with my maid, where there was not half the +temptation, in point of person, set me a dangerous example; but now I +began to look on this stripling as every way a delicious instrument +of my designed retaliation upon Mr. H.... of an obligation for which I +should have made a conscience to die in his debt. + +In order then to pave the way for the accomplishment of my scheme, for +two or three times that the young fellow came to me with messages, I +managed so, or without affectation to have him admitted to my bed side, +or brought to me at my toilet, where I was dressing; and by carelessly +shewing or letting him, as if without meaning or design, sometimes my +bosom rather more bare than it should be; sometimes my hair, of which I +had a very fine head, in the natural flow of it while combing; sometimes +a neat leg, that had unfortunately slipt its garter, which I made no +scruple of tying before him, easily gave him the impressions favourable +to my purpose, which I could perceive to sparkle in his eyes, and glow +in his cheeks: then certain slight squeezes by the hand, as I took +letters from him, did his business completely. + +When I saw him thus moved, and fired for my purpose, I inflamed him +yet more, by asking him several leading questions, such as: "Had he a +mistress?... was she prettier than me?... could he love such a one as I +was?..." and the like; to all which the blushing simpleton answered to +my wish, in a strain of perfect nature, perfect undebauched innocence, +but with all the awkwardness and simplicity of country breeding. + +When I thought I had sufficiently ripened him for the laudable point I +had in view, one day that I expected him at a particular hour, I took +care to have the coast clear for the reception I designed him; and, as +I laid it, he came to the dining room door, tapped at it, and, in my +bidding him come in; he did so, and shut the door after him. I desired +him, then, to bolt it on the inside, pretending it would not otherwise +keep shut. + +I was then lying at length upon that very couch, the scene of Mr. +H....'s polite joys, in an undress, which was with all the art of +negligence flowing loose, and in a most tempting disorder: no stays, +no hoop..., no incumbrance whatever. On the other hand, he stood at a +little distance, that gave me a full view of a fine featured, shapely, +healthy country lad, breathing the sweets of fresh blooming youth; +his hair, which was of a perfect shining black, played to his face in +natural side curls, and was set out with a smart tuck-up behind; new +buckskin breechs, that, clipping close, shewed the shape of a plump, +well made thigh; white stockings, garter-laced livery, shoulder knot, +altogether composed a figure of pure flesh and blood, and appeared +under no disgrace from the lowness of a dress, to which a certain spruce +neatness seems peculiarly fitted. + +I bid him come towards me, and give me his letter, at the same time +throwing down, carelessly, a book I had in my hands. He coloured, +and came within reach of delivering me the letter, which he held out, +awkwardly enough, for me to take, with his eyes rivetted on my +bosom, which was, through the designed disorder of my handkerchief, +sufficiently bare, and rather than hid. + +I, smiling in his face, took the letter, and immediately catching +hold of his shirt sleeve, drew him towards me, blushing, and almost +trembling; for surely his extreme bashfulness, and utter inexperience +called for, at least, all the advances to encourage him: his body +was now conveniently inclined toward me, and just softly chucking his +beardless chin, I asked him: "If he was afraid of a lady?..." and with +that took, and carrying his hands to my breasts, I press it tenderly +to them. They were now finely furnished, and raised in flesh, so that, +panting with desire, they rose and fell, in quick heaves, under his +touch: at this, the boy's eyes began to lighten with all the fires of +inflamed nature, and his cheeks flushed with a deep scarlet: tongue-tied +with joy, rapture, and bashfulness, he could not speak, but then his +looks, his emotion, sufficiently satisfied me that my train had taken, +and that I had no disappointment to fear. + +My lips, which I threw in his way, so that he could not escape kissing +them, fixed, fired, and emboldened him: and now, glancing my eyes +towards that part of his dress which covered the essential object of +enjoyment, I plainly discovered the swell and commotion there; and as +I was now too far advanced to stop in so fair a way, and was indeed no +longer able to contain myself, or wait the slower progress of his maiden +bash-fulness (for such it seemed, and really was), I stole my hands upon +his thighs, down one of which I could both see and feel a stiff hard +body, confined by his breeches, that my fingers could discover no end +to. Curious then, and eager to unfold so alarming a mystery, playing, +as it were, with his buttons, which were bursting ripe from the active +force within, those of his waistband and fore-flap flew open at a touch, +when out IT started; and now, disengaged from the shirt, I saw, with +wonder and surprise, what? not the play thing of a boy, not the weapon +of a man, but a Maypole, of so enormous a standard, that had proportions +been observed, it must have belonged to a young giant. Yet I could not, +without pleasure, behold, and even venture to feel, such a length, such +a breadth of animated ivory! perfectly well turned and fashioned, the +proud stiffness of which distented its skin, whose smooth polish and +velvet softness might vie with that of the most delicate of our sex, and +whose exquisite whiteness was not a little set off by a sprout of black +curling hair round the root: through the jetty springs of which the fair +skin shewed as in a fine evening you may have remarked the clear light +through the branchwork of distant trees over-topping the summit of a +hill: then the broad of blueish-casted incarnate of the head, and +blue serpentines of its veins, altogether composed the most striking +assemblage of figure and colours in nature. In short, it stood an object +of terror and delight. + +But what was yet more surprising, the owner of this natural curiosity, +through the want of occasions in the strictness of his home breeding, +and the little time he had been in town not having afforded him one; was +hitherto an absolute stranger, in practice at least, to the use of all +that manhood he was so nobly stocked with; and it now fell to my lot to +stand his first trial of it, if I could resolve to run the risks of its +disproportion to that tender part of me, which such an oversized machine +was very fit to lay in ruins. + +But it was now of the latest to deliberate, for, by this time, the young +fellow, over heated with the present objects, and too high metled to be +longer curbed in by that modesty and awe which had hitherto restrained +him, ventured, under the stronger impulse, and instructive promptership +of nature alone, to slip his hands, trembling with eager impetuous +desires, under my petticoats; and seeing, I suppose, nothing extremely +severe in my looks, to stop or dash him, he feels out, and seizes, +gently, the center spot of his ardours. Oh then! the fiery touch of +his lingers determines me, and my fears melting away before the glowing +intolerable heat, my thighs disclose of themselves, and yield all +liberty to his hand: and now, a favourable movement giving my petticoats +a toss, the avenue lay too fair, too open to be missed. He is now upon +me: I had placed myself with a jerk under him, as commodious and open as +possible to his attempts, which were untoward enough, for his machine, +meeting with no inlet, bore and battered stiffly against me in random +pushes, now above, now below, now beside his point; till, burning with +impatience from its irritating touches, I guided gently, with my hand, +this furious fescue to where my young novice was now to be taught +his first lesson of pleasure. Thus he nicked, at length, the warm and +insufficient orifice; but he was made to find no breach impracticable, +and mine, though so often entered, was still far from wide enough to +take him easily in. + +By my direction, however, the head of his unwieldy machine was so +critically pointed, that, feeling him fore-right against the tender +opening, a favourable motion from me met his timely thrust, by which +the lips of it, strenuously dilated, gave way to his thus assisted +impetuosity, so that we might both feel that he had gained a lodgment. +Pursuing then his point, he soon, by violent, and, to me, most painful +piercing thrusts, wedges himself at length so far in, as to be now +tolerably secure of his entrance: here he stuck, and I now felt such a +mixture of pleasure and pain, as there is no giving a definition of. I +dreaded alike his splitting me farther up, or his withdrawing; I could +not bear either to keep or part with him. The sense of pain, however, +prevailing, from his prodigious size and stiffness, acting upon me +in those continued rapid thrusts, with which he furiously pursued his +penetration, made me cry out gently: "Oh, my dear, you hurt me!" This +was enough to check the tender respectful boy even in his mid-career; +and he immediately drew out the sweet cause of my complaint, whilst his +eyes eloquently expressed, at once, his grief for hurting me, and +his reluctance at dislodging from quarters, of which the warmth and +closeness had given him a gust of pleasure, that he was now desire mad +to satisfy, and yet too much a novice not to be afraid of my withholding +his relief, on account of the pain he had put me to. + +But I was, myself, far from being pleased with his having too much +regarded my tender exclaims; for now, more fired with the object before +me, as it still stood with the fiercest erection, unbonneted, +and displayed its broad vermilion head, I first gave the youth a +re-encouraging kiss, which he repaid me with a fervour that seemed at +once to thank me, and bribe my further compliance; and soon replaced +myself in a posture to receive, at all risk, the renewed invasion, which +he did not delay an instant: for, being presently remounted, I once +more felt the smooth hard gristle forcing an entrance, which he achieved +rather easier than before. Pained, however, as I was, with his efforts +of gaining a complete admission, which he was so regardful as to manage +by gentle degrees, I took care not to complain. In the mean time, the +soft strait passage gradually loosens, yields, and, stretched to its +utmost bearing, by the stick, thick, indriven engine, sensible, at once, +to the ravishing pleasure of the feel and the pain of the distension, +let him in about half way, when all the most nervous activity he now +exerted, to further his penetration, gained him not an inch of his +purpose: for, whilst he hesitated there, the crisis of pleasure overtook +him, and the close compressure of the warm surrounding flow drew from +him the ecstatic gush, even before mine was ready to meet it, kept up +by the pain I had endured in the course of the engagement, from the +insufferable size of his weapon, though it was not as yet in above half +its length. + +I expected then, but without wishing it, that he would draw, but was +pleasingly disappointed: for he was not to be let off so. The well +breathed youth, hot-mettled, and flush with genial juices, was now +fairly in for making me know my driver. As soon, then, as he had made a +short pause, waking, as it were, out of the trance of pleasure (in which +every sense seemed lost for a while, whilst, with his eyes shut, and +short quick breathings, he had yielded down his maiden tribute), he +still kept his post, yet unsated with enjoyment, and solacing in these +so new delights; till his stiffness, which had scarce perceptibly +remitted, being thoroughly recovered to him, who had not once +unsheathed, he proceeded afresh to cleave and open to himself an entire +entry into me, which was not a little made easy to him by the balsamic +injection, with: which he had just plentifully moistened the whole +internals of the passage. Redoubling, then, the active energy of his +thrusts, favoured by the fervid appetency of my motions, the soft oiled +wards can no longer stand so effectual a picklock, but yield, and open +him an entrance. And now, with conspiring nature, and my industry, +strong to aid him, he pierces, penetrates, and at length, winning his +way inch by inch, gets entirely in, and finally, a home made thrust +sheaths it up to the guard; on the information of which, from the close +jointure of our bodies (insomuch that the hair on both sides perfectly +interweaved and incircled together), the eyes of the transported +youth sparkled with more joyous fires, and all his looks and motions +acknowledged excess of pleasure, which I now began to share, for I felt +him in my very vitals! I was quite sick with delight! stirred beyond +bearing with its furious agitations within me, and gorged and crammed, +even to a surfeit. Thus I lay gasping, panting under him, till his +broken breathings, faultering accents, eyes twinkling with humid fires, +lunges more furious, and an increased stiffness, gave me to hail +the approaches of the second period: it came... and the sweet youth, +overpowered with the ecstasy, died away in my arms, melting a flood +that shot in genial warmth into the innermost recesses of my body; every +conduit of which, dedicated to that pleasure, was on flow to mix with +it. Thus we continued for some instants, lost, breathless, senseless of +every thing, and in every part but those favourite ones of nature, +in which all that we enjoyed of life and sensation was now totally +concentered. + +When our mutual trance was a little over, and the young fellow had +withdrawn that delicious stretcher, with which he had most plentifully +drowned all thoughts of revenge, in the sense of actual pleasure, the +widened wounded passage refunded a stream of pearly liquids, which +flowed down my thighs, mixed with streaks of blood, the marks of the +ravage of that monstrous machine of his, which had now triumphed over +a kind of second maidenhead. I stole, however, my handkerchief to those +parts, and wiped them as dry as I could, whilst he was re-adjusting and +buttoning up. + +I made him sit down by me, and as he had gathered courage from such +extreme intimacy, he gave me an aftercourse of pleasure, in a natural +burst of tender gratitude and joy, at the new scenes of bliss I had +opened to him: scenes positively new, as he had never before had the +least acquaintance with that mysterious mark, the cloven stamp of female +distinction, though nobody better qualified than he to penetrate into its +deepest recesses, or do it nobler justice. But when, by certain motions, +certain unquietness of his hands, that wandered not without design, I +found he languished for satisfying a curiosity, natural enough, to view +and handle those parts which attract and concenter the warmest force +of imagination, charmed, as I was, to have any occasion of obliging and +humouring his young desires, I suffered him to proceed as he pleased, +without check or control, to the satisfaction of them. + +Easily, then, reading in my eyes the full permission of myself to +all his wishes, he scarce pleased himself more than me; when, having +insinuated his hand under my petticoat and shift, he presently removed +those bars to the sight, by slily lifting them upwards, under favour +of a thousand kisses, which he thought, perhaps, necessary to divert my +attention from what he was about. All my drapery being now rolled up to +my waist, I threw myself into such a posture upon the couch, as gave up +to him, in full view, the whole region of delight, and all the luxurious +landscape around it. The transported youth devoured every thing with +his eyes, and tried, with his fingers, to lay more open to his sight +the secrets of that dark and delicious deep: he opens the folding lips, +the softness of which, yielding entry to any thing of a hard body, close +round it, and oppose the sight; and feeling further, meets with, and +wonder at, a soft fleshy excrescence, which, limber and relaxed after +the late enjoyment, now grew, under the touch and examination of +his fiery fingers, more and more stiff and considerable, till the +titillating ardours of that so sensible part made me sigh, as if he had +hurt me; on which he withdrew his curious probing fingers, asking me +pardon, as it were, in a kiss that rather increased the flame there. + +Novelty ever makes the strongest impressions, and in pleasures, +especially; no wonder then, that he was swallowed up in raptures of +admiration of things so interesting by their nature, and now seen and +handled for the first time. On my part, I was richly overpaid for the +pleasure I gave him, in that of examining the power of those objects +thus abandoned to him, naked and free to his loosest wish, over the +artless, natural stripling: his eyes streaming fire, his cheeks +glowing with a florid red, his fervid frequent sighs, whilst his hands +convulsively squeezed, opened, pressed together again the lips and +sides of that deep flesh wound, or gently twitched the over-growing +moss; and all proclaimed the excess, the riot of joys, in having his +wantonness thus humoured. But he did not long abuse my patience, for the +objects before him had now put him by all his, and, coming out with +that formidable machine of his, he lets the fury loose, and pointing it +directly to the pouting-lip mouth, that bid him sweet defiance in dumb +shew, squeezes in his head, and, driving with refreshed rage, breaks in, +and plugs up the whole passage of that soft pleasure-conduit pipe, where +he makes all shake again, and put, once more, all within me into such +an uproar, as nothing could still, but a fresh inundation from the +very engine of those flames, as well as from all the springs with which +nature floats that reservoir of joy, when risen to its floodmark. + +I was now so bruised, so battered, so spent with this overmatch, that +I could hardly stir, or raise myself, but lay palpitating, till the +ferment of my senses subsiding by degrees, and the hour striking at +which I was obliged to dispatch my young man, I tenderly advised him of +the necessity there was for parting; at which I felt so much displeasure +as he could do, who seemed eagerly disposed to keep the field, and to +enter on a fresh action. But the danger was too great, and after some +hearty kisses of leave, and recommendations of secrecy and discretion, +I forced myself to send him away, not without assurances of seeing him +again, to the same purpose, as soon as possible, and thrust a guinea +into his hands: not more, less, being too flush of money, a suspicion +or discovery might arise from thence; having everything to fear from the +dangerous indiscretion of that age in which young fellows would be too +irresistible, too charming, if we had not that terrible fault to guard +against. + +Giddy and intoxicated as I was with such satiating draughts of pleasure, +I still lay on the couch, supinely stretched out, in a delicious languor +diffused over all my limbs, hugging myself for being thus revenged to +my heart's content, and that in a manner so precisely alike, and on +the identical spot in which I had received the supposed injury. No +reflections on the consequences ever once perplexed me, nor did I make +myself one single reproach for having, by this step, completely entered +myself into a profession more decried than disused. I should have held +it ingratitude to the pleasure I had received, to have repented of it; +and since I was now over the bar, I thought, by plunging head and ears +into the stream I was hurried away by, to drown all sense of shame or +reflection. + +Whilst I was thus making these laudable dispositions, and whispering +to myself a kind of tacit vow of incontinency, enters Mr. H... The +consciousness of what I had been doing deepened yet the glowing of my +cheeks, flushed with the warmth of the late action, which, joined to +the piquant air of my dishabile, drew from Mr. H.... a compliment on my +looks, which he was proceeding to bask the sincerity of with proofs, and +that with so brisk an action, as made me tremble for fear of a discovery +from the condition those parts were left in from their late severe +handling: the orifice dilated and inflamed, the lips swollen with their +uncommon distension, the ringlets pressed down, crushed and uncurled +with the over flowing moisture that had wet everything round it; in +short, the different feel and state of things would hardly have passed +upon one of Mr. H.....'s nicety and experience unaccounted for but by +the real cause. But here the woman saved me: I pretended a violent +disorder of my head, and a feverish heat, that indisposed me too much to +receive his embraces. He gave in to this, and good naturedly desisted. +Soon after, an old lady coming in made a third, very apropos for the +confusion I was in, and Mr. H...., after bidding me take care of myself, +and recommending me to my repose, left me much at ease and relieved by +his absence. + +In the close of the evening, I took care to have prepared for me a +warm bath of aromatik and sweet herbs; in which having fully laved and +solaced myself, I came out voluptuously refreshed in body and spirit. + +The next morning waking pretty early, after a night's perfect rest and +composure, it was not without some dread and uneasiness that I thought +of what innovation that tender soft system of mine might have sustained, +from the shock of a machine so sized for its destruction. + +Struck with this apprehension, I scarce dared to carry my hand thither, +to inform myself of the state and posture of things. + +But I was soon agreeably cured of my fears. + +The silky hair that covered round the borders, now smoothed and +re-pruned, had resumed its wonted curl and trimness; the fleshy pouting +lips that had stood the brunt of the engagement, were no longer swollen +or moisture-drenched; and neither they, nor the passage into which they +opened, that had suffered so great a dilation, betrayed any the least +alteration, outwardly or inwardly, to the most curious research, +notwithstanding the laxity that naturally follows the warm bath. + +This continuation of that grateful stricture which is in us, to the men, +the very jet of their pleasure, I owed, it seems, to a happy habit of +body, juicy, plump and furnished, towards the texture of those parts, +with a fullness of soft springy flesh, that yielding sufficiently, as it +does, to almost any distension soon recovers itself so as to re-tighten +that strict compression of its mantlings and folds, which form the sides +of the passage, wherewith it so tenderly embraces and closely clips any +foreign body introduced into it, such as my exploring finger then was. + +Finding then every thing in due tone and order, I remember my fears, +only to make a jest of them to myself. And now, palpably mistress of +any size of man, and triumphing in my double achievement of pleasure and +revenge, I abandoned myself entirely to the ideas of all the delight I +had swam in. I lay stretching out, glowingly alive all over, and tossing +with burning impatience for the renewal of joys that had sinned but in +a sweet excess; nor did I lose my longing, for about ten in the morning, +according to expectation, Will, my new humble sweetheart, came with a +message from his master, Mr. H...., to know how I did. I had taken care +to send my maid on an errand into the city, that I was sure would take +up time enough; and, from the people of the house, I had nothing to +fear, as they were plain good sort of folks, and wise enough to mind no +more other people's business than they could well help. + +All dispositions then made, not forgetting that of lying in bed to +receive him, when he was entered the door of my bed chamber, a latch, +that I governed by a wire, descended and secured it. + +I could not but observe that my young minion was as much spruced out as +could be expected from one in his condition: a desire of pleasing that +could not be indifferent to me, since it proved that I pleased him; +which, I assure you, was now a point I was not above having in view. + +His hair trimly dressed, clean linen, and, above all, a hale, ruddy, +wholesome country look, made him out as pretty a piece of woman's meat +as you could see, and I should have thought any one much out of taste, +that could not have made a hearty meal of such a morsel as nature seemed +to have designed for the highest diet of pleasure. + +And why should I here suppress the delight I received from this +amiable creature, in remarking each artless look, each motion of +pure indissembled nature, betrayed by his wanton eyes; or shewing, +transparently, the glow and suffusion of blood through his fresh, clear +skin, whilst even his stury rustic pressure wanted not their peculiar +charm? Oh! but, say you, this was a young fellow of too low a rank of +life to deserve so great a display. May be so: but was my condition, +strictly considered, one jot more exalted? or, had I really been much +above him, did not his capacity of giving such exquisite pleasure +sufficiently raise and enoble him, to me, at least? Let who would, +for me cherish, respect, and reward the painter's, the statuary's, the +musician's art, in proportion to the delight taken in them: but at my +age, and with my taste for pleasure, a taste strongly constitutional +to me, the talent of pleasing, with which nature has endowed a handsome +person, formed to me the greatest of all merits; compared to which, the +vulgar prejudices in favour of titles, dignities, honours, and the like, +held a very low rank indeed. Nor perhaps would the beauties of the body +be so much affected to be held cheap, were they, in their nature, to be +bought and delivered. But for me, whose natural philosophy all resided +in the favourite center of sense, and who was ruled by its powerful +instinct in taking pleasure by its right handle, I could scarce have +made a choice more to my purpose. + +Mr. H....'s loftier qualifications of birth, fortune and sense, laid +me under a sort of subjection and constraint, that were far from making +harmony in the concert of love; nor had he, perhaps, thought me worth +softening that superiority to; but, with this lad, I was more on the +level which love delights in. + +We may say what we please, but those we can be the easiest and freest +with, are ever those we like, not to say love the best. + +With this stripling, all whose art of love was the action of it, I +could, without check of awe or restraint, give a loose to jay, and +execute every scheme of dalliance my fond fancy might put me on, in +which he was, in every sense, a most exquisite companion. And now my +great pleasure lay in humouring all the petulances, all the wanton +frolic of a raw novice just fledged, and keen on the burning scent of +his game, but unbroken to the sport: and, to carry on the figure, who +could better read the wood than he, or stand fairer for the heart of the +hunt? + +He advanced then to my bed side, and whilst he faultered out his +message, I could observe his colour rise, and his eyes lighten with joy, +in seeing me in a situation as favourable to his loosest wishes, as if +he had bespoke the play. + +I smiled, and put out my hand towards him, which he kneeled down to +(a politeness taught him by love alone, that great master of it) and +greedily kissed. After exchanging a few confused questions and answers, +I asked him if he would come to bed to me, for the little time I could +venture to detain him. This was just asking a person, dying with hunger, +to feast upon the dish on earth the most to his palate. Accordingly, +without further reflection, his clothes were off in an instant; when, +blushing still more at this new liberty, he got under the bed clothes +I held up to receive him, and was now in bed with a woman for the first +time in his life. + +Here began the usual tender preliminaries, as delicious, perhaps, as the +crowning act of enjoyment itself; which they often beget an impatience +of, that makes pleasure destructive of itself, by hurrying on the +final period, and closing that scene of bliss, in which the actors +are generally too well pleased with their parts, not to wish them an +eternity of duration. + +When we had sufficiently graduated our advances towards the main point, +by toying, kissing, clipping, feeling my breasts, now round and +plump, feeling that part of me I might call a furnace mouth, from the +prodigious intense heat his fiery touches had rekindled there, my young +sportsman, emboldened by the very freedom he could wish, wontonly takes +my hand, and carries it to that enormous machine of his, that stood with +a stiffness! a hardness! an upward bend of erection! and which, together +with it bottom dependence, the inestimable bulse of ladies jewels, +formed a grand showout of goods indeed! Then its dimensions, mocking +either grasp or span, almost renewed my terrors. + +I could not conceive how, or by what means I could take, or put such +a bulk out of sight. I stroked it gently, on which the mutinous rogue +seemed to swell, and gather a new degree of fierceness and insolence; so +that finding it grew not to be trifled with any longer, I prepared for +rubbers in good earnest. + +Slipping then a pillow under me, that I might give him the fairest play, +I guided officiously with my hand this furious battering ram, whose ruby +head, presenting nearest the resemblance of a heart, I applied to its +proper mark, which lay as finely elevated as we could wish; my hips +being borne up, and my thighs at their utmost extension, the gleamy +warmth that shot from it, made him feel that he was at the mouth of the +indraught, and driving fore right, the powerfully divided lips of that +pleasure-thirsty channel received him. He hesitated a little; then, +settled well in the passage, he makes his way up the straights of it, +with a difficulty nothing more than pleasing, widening as he went so +as to distend and smooth each soft furrow: our pleasure increasing +deliciously, in proportion to our points of mutual touch increased in +that so vital part of me which I had now taken him, all indriven, and +completely sheathed; and which, crammed as it was, stretched splitting +ripe, gave it so gratefully straight an accommodation! so strict a fold! +a suction so fierce! that gave and took unutterable delight. We had now +reached the closest point of union; but when he beckened to come on the +fiercer, as if I had ben actuated by a fear of losing him, in the height +of my fury, I twist my legs round his naked loins, the flesh of which, +so firm, so springy to the touch, quivered again under the pressure; and +now I had him every way encircled and begirt; and having drawn him home +to me, I kept him fast there, as if I had sought to unite bodies with +him at that point. This bred a pause of action, a pleasure stop, whilst +that delicate glutton, my nether mouth, as full as it could hold, kept +palating, with exquisite relish, the morsel that so deliciously ingorged +it. But nature could not long endure a pleasure that it so highly +provoked without satisfying it: pursuing then its darling end, the +battery recommenced with redoubled exertion; nor lay I inactive on my +side, but encountering him with all the impetuosity of motion I was +mistress of, the downy cloth of our meeting mount was now of real use +to break the violence of the tilt; and soon, indeed! the highwrought +agitation, the sweet urgency of this to-and-fro friction, raised the +titillation on me to its height; so that finding myself on the point +of going, and loath to leave the tender partner of my joys behind me, I +employed all the forwarding motions and arts my experience suggested to +me, to promote his keeping me company to our journey's end. I not only +then tightened the pleasure-girth round my restless inmate, by a secret +spring of friction and compression that obeys the will in those parts, +but stole my hand softly to that store bag of nature's prime sweets, +which is so pleasingly attached to its conduit pipe, from which we +receive them; there feeling, and most gently indeed, squeezing those +tender globular reservoirs, the magic touch took instant effect, +quickened, and brought on upon the spur the symptoms of that sweet +agony, the melting moment of dissolution, when pleasure dies by +pleasure, and the mysterious engine of it overcomes the titillation +it has raised in those parts, by plying them with the stream of a warm +liquid, that in itself the highest of all titillations, and which they +thirstily express and draw in like the hot natured leach, which, to +cool itself, tenaciously extracts all the moisture within its sphere of +execution. Chiming then to me, with exquisite consent, as I melted away, +his oily balsamic injection, mixing deliciously with the sluices in flow +from me, sheathed and blunted all the stings of pleasure, whilst a +voluptuous languor possest, and still maintained us motionless, and fast +locked in one another's arms. Alas! that these delights should be no +longer-lived; for now the point of pleasure, unedged by enjoyment, and +all the brisk sensations flattened upon us, resigned us up to the cool +cares of insipid life. Disengaging myself then from his embrace, I made +him sensible of the reasons there were for his present leaving me; on +which, though reluctantly, he put on his clothes, with as little +expedition, however, as he could help, wantonly interrupting himself, +between whiles, with kisses, touches and embraces I could not refuse +myself to. Yet he happily returned to his master before he was missed; +but, at taking leave, I forced him (for he had sentiments enough to +refuse it) to receive money enough to buy a silver watch, that great +article of subaltern finery, which he at length accepted of, as a +remembrance he was carefully to preserve of my affections. + +And here, Madam, I ought, perhaps, to make you an apology for this +minute detail of things, that dwelt so strongly upon my memory, after +so deep an impression; but, besides that this intrigue bred one great +revolution in my life, which historical truth requires I should not sink +from you, may I not presume that so exalted a pleasure ought not to be +ungratefully forgotten, or suppressed by me, because I found it in a +character in low life; where, by the by, it is oftener met with, purer, +and more unsophisticated, than among the false, ridiculous refinements +with which the great suffer themselves to be so grossly cheated by their +pride: the great! than whom, there exist few amongst those they call +the vulgar, who are more ignorant of, or who cultivate less, the art of +living than they do; they, I say, who for ever mistake things the most +foreign to the nature of pleasure itself; whose capital favourite object +is enjoyment of beauty, wherever that rare incaluable gift is found, +without distinction of birth, or station. + +As love never had, so now revenge had no longer any share in my commerce +in this handsome youth. The sole pleasures of enjoyment were now the +link I held to him by: for though nature had done such great maters +for him in his outward form, and especially in that superb piece of +furniture she had so liberally enriched him with; though he was thus +qualified to give the senses their richest feast, still there was +something more wanting to create in me, and constitute the passion of +love. Yet Will had very good qualities too: gentle, tractable, and, above +all, grateful; silentious, even to a fault: he spoke, at any time, very +little, but made it up emphatically with action; and, to do him justice, +he never gave me the least reason to complain, either of any tendency to +encroach upon me for the liberties I allowed him, or of his indiscretion +in blabbing them. There is, then, a fatality in love, or have loved him +I must; for he was really a treasure, a bit for the Bonne Bouche of a +duchess; and, to say the truth, my liking for him was so extreme, that +it was distinguishing very nicely to deny that I loved him. + +My happiness, however, with him did not last long, but found an end +from my own imprudent neglect. After having taken even superfluous +precautions against a discovery, our success in repeated meetings +emboldened me to omit the barely necessary ones. About a month after +our first intercourse, one fatal morning (the season Mr. H.... rarely +or never visited me in) I was in my closet, where my toilet stood, in +nothing but my shift, a bed gown and under petticoat. Will was with me, +and both ever too well disposed to baulk an opportunity. For my part, +a whim, a wanton toy had just taken me, and I had challenged my man to +execute it on the spot, who hesitated not to comply with my humour: +I was set in the arm chair, my shift and petticoat up, my thighs wide +spread and mounted over the arms of the chair, presenting the fairest +mark to Will's drawn weapon, which he stood in act to plunge into me, +when, having neglected to secure the chamber door, and that of the +closet standing a-jar, Mr. H.... stole in upon us, before either of us +was aware, and saw us precisely in these convicting attitudes. + +I gave a great scream, and dropped my petticoat: the thunder-struck +lad stood trembling and pale, waiting his sentence of death. Mr. H.... +looked sometimes at one, sometimes at the other, with a mixture of +indignation and scorn; and, without saying a word, spun upon his heel +and went out. + +As confused as I was, I heard him very distinctly turn the key, and lock +the chamber door upon us, so that there was no escape but through +the dining room, where he himself was walking about with distempered +strides, stamping in a great chafe, and doubtless debating what he would +do with us. + +In the mean time, poor William was frightened out of his senses, and, as +much need as I had of spirits myself, I was obliged to employ them all +to keep his a little up. The misfortune I had now brought upon him, +endeared him the more to me, and I could have joyfully suffered any +punishment he had not shared in. I watered, plentifully, with my tears, +the face of the frightened youth, who sat, not having strength to stand, +as cold and as lifeless as a statue. + +Presently Mr. H.... comes in to us again, and made us go before him into +the dining room, trembling and dreading the issue, Mr. H.....sat down on +a chair whilst we stood like criminals under examination; and, beginning +with me, asked me, with an even firm tone of voice, neither soft nor +severe, but cruelly indifferent, what I could say for myself, for having +abused him in so unworthy a manner, with his own servant too, and how he +had deserved this of me? + +Without adding to the guilt of my infidelity, that of an audacious +defence of it, in the old style of a common kept miss, my answer was +modest, and often interrupted by my tears, in substance as follows: +"That I never had a single thought of wronging him" (which was true), +"till I had seen him taking the last liberties with my servant wench" +(here he coloured prodigiously), "and that my resentment at that, which +I was over-awed from giving vent to by complaints, or explanations with +him, had driven me to a course that I did not pretend to justify; but +that as to the young man, he was entirely faultless; for that, in +the view of making him the instrument of my revenge, I had down right +seduced him to what he had done; and therefore hoped, whatever he +determined about me, he would distinguish between the guilty and the +innocent; and that; for the rest, I was entirely at his mercy." + +Mr. H.... on hearing what I said, hung his head a little; but instantly +recovering himself, he said to me, as near as I can retain, to the +following purpose: + +"Madam, I owe shame to myself, and confess you have fairly turned +the tables upon me. It is not with one of your cast of breeding and +sentiments, that I allow you so much reason on your side, as great +difference of the provocations: be it sufficient that I should enter +into a discussion of the very to have changed my resolution, in +consideration of what you reproach me with; and I own, too, that your +clearing that rascal there, is fair and honest in you. Renew with you I +cannot: the affront is too gross. I give you a week's warning to get out +of these lodgings; whatever I have given you, remains to you; and as I +never intend to see you more, the landlord will pay you fifty pieces on +my account, with which, and every debt paid, I hope you will own I do +not leave you in a worse condition than what I took you up in, or that +you deserve of me. Blame yourself only that it is no better." + +Then, without giving me time to reply, he addressed himself to the young +fellow: + +"For you, spark, I shall, for your father's sake, take care of you: the +town is no place for such an easy fool as thou art; and to-morrow you +shall set out, under the charge of one of my men, well recommended, in +my name, to your father, not to let you return and be spoil'd here." + +At these words he went out, after my vainly attempting to stop him, by +throwing myself at his feet. He shook me off, though he seemed greatly +moved too, and took Will away with him, who, I dare swear, thought +himself very cheaply off. + +I was now once more a-drift, and left upon my own hands, by a gentleman +whom I certainly did not deserve. And all the letters, arts, friends, +entreaties that I employed within the week of grace in my lodging, +could never win on him so much as to see me again. He had irrevocably +pronounced my doom, and submission to it was my only part. Soon after he +married a lady of birth and fortune, to whom, I have heard he proved an +irreproachable husband. + +As for poor Will, he was immediately sent down to the country to his +father, who was an easy farmer, where he was not four months before an +inn-keepers' buxom young widow, with a very good stock, both in +money and trade, fancied, and perhaps pre-acquainted with his secret +excellencies, married him: and I am sure there was, at least, one good +foundation for their living happily together. + +Though I should have been charmed to see him before he went, such +measures were taken, by Mr. H....'s orders, that it was impossible; +otherwise I should certainly have endeavoured to detain him in town, and +would have spared neither offers nor expense to have procured myself the +satisfaction of keeping him with me. He had such powerful holds upon my +inclinations as were not easily to be shaken off, or replaced; as to my +heart, it was quite out of the question: glad, however, I was from my +soul, that nothing worse, and as things turned out, nothing better could +have happened to him. + +As to Mr. H..., though views of conveniency made me, at first, exert +myself to regain his affection, I was giddy and thoughtless enough to be +much easier reconciled to my failure than I ought to have been; but as I +never had loved him, and his leaving me gave me a sort of liberty that I +had often longed for, I was soon comforted; and flattering myself, that +the stock of youth and beauty I was going to trade with, could hardly +fail of procuring me a maintenance, I saw myself under the necessity of +trying my fortune with them, rather, with pleasure and gaiety, than with +the least idea of despondency. + +In the mean time, several of my acquaintances among the sisterhood, +who had soon got wind of my misfortune, flocked to insult me with their +malicious consolations. Most of them had long envied me the affluence +and splendour I had been maintained in; and though there was scarce +one of them that did not at least deserve to be in my case, and would +probably, sooner or later, come to it, it was equally easy to remark, +even in their affected pity, their secret pleasure at seeing me +thus discarded, and their secret grief that it was no worse with me. +Unaccountable malice of the human heart! and which is not confined to +the class of life they were of. + +But as the time approached for me to come to some resolution how to +dispose of myself, and I was considering, round where to shift my +quarters to, Mrs. Cole, a middle aged discreet sort of woman, who had +been brought into my acquaintance by one of the misses that visited me, +upon learning my situation, came to offer her cordial advice and service +to me; and as I had always taken to her more than to any of my female +acquaintances, I listened the easier to her proposals. And, as it +happened, I could not have put myself into worse, or into better hands +in all London: into worse, because keeping a house of conveniency, there +were no lengths in lewdness she would not advise me to go, in compliance +with her customers; no schemes, or pleasure, or even unbounded +debauchery, she did not take even a delight in promoting: into a better, +because nobody having had more experience of the wicked part of the +town than she had, was fitter to advise and guard one against the worst +dangers of our profession; and what was rare to be met with in those +of her's, she contented herself with a moderate living profit upon her +industry and good offices, and had nothing of their greedy rapacious +turn. She was really too a gentlewoman born and bred, but through a +train of accidents reduced to this course, which she pursued, partly +through necessity, partly through choice, as never woman delighted more +in encouraging a brisk circulation of the trade, for the sake of the +trade itself, or better understood all the mysteries and refinements +of it, than she did; so that she was consummately at the top of her +profession, and dealt only with customers of distinction: to answer the +demands of whom she kept a competent number of her daughters in constant +recruit (so she called those whom their youth and personal charms +recommended to her adoption and management: several of whom, by her +means, and through her tuition and instructions, succeeded very well in +the world). + +This useful gentlewoman upon whose protection I now threw myself, having +her reasons of state, respecting Mr. H...., for not appearing too much +in the thing herself, sent a friend of her's, on the day appointed for +my removal, to conduct me to my new lodgings at a brush-maker's in E---- +street, Covent Garden, the very next door to her own house, where she +had no conveniences to lodge me herself: lodgings that, by having been +for several successions tenanted by ladies of pleasures, the landlord +of them was familiarized to their ways; and provided the rent was paid, +every thing else was as easy and commodious as one could desire. + +The fifty guineas promised me by Mr. H...., at his parting with me, +having been duly paid me, all my clothes and moveables chested up, which +were at least of two hundred pounds value, I had them conveyed into a +coach, where I soon followed them, after taking a civil leave of the +landlord and his family, with whom I had never lived in a degree +of familiarity enough to regret the removal; but still, the very +circumstance of its being a removal, drew tears from me. I left, too, +a letter of thanks for Mr. H...., from whom I concluded myself, as I +really was, irretrievably separated. + +My maid I had discharged the day before, not only because I had her of +Mr. H...., but that I suspected her of having some how or other been the +occasion of his discovering me, in revenge, perhaps, for my not having +trusted her with him. + +We soon got to my lodgings, which, though not so handsomely furnished, +nor so showy as those I left, were to the full as convenient, and at +half price, though on the first floor. My trunks were safely landed, and +stowed in my apartments, where my neighbour, and now gouvernante, Mrs. +Cole, was ready with my landlord to receive me, to whom she took care to +set me out in the most favourable light, that of one from whom there was +the clearest reason to expect the regular payment of his rent: all the +cardinal virtues attributed to me, would not have had half the weight of +that recommendation alone. + +I was now settled in lodgings of my own, abandoned to my own conduct, +and turned loose upon the town, to sink or swim, as I could manage with +the current of it; and what were the consequences, together with +the number of adventures which befell me in the exercise of my new +profession, will compose the mater of another letter: for surely it is +high time to put a period! to this. + +I am, + +MADAM, + +Yours, etc., etc., etc. + + THE END OF THE FIRST LETTER + + + + +LETTER THE SECOND + +Madam: + +If I have delayed the sequel of my history, it has been purely to allow +myself a little breathing time not without some hopes, that, instead of +pressing me to a continuation, you would have acquitted me of the task +of pursuing a confession, in the course of which my self-esteem has so +many wounds to sustain. + +I imagined, indeed, that you would have been cloyed and tired with +uniformity of adventures and expressions, inseparable from a subject of +this sort, whose bottom, or groundwork being, in the nature of things +eternally one and the same, whatever variety of forms and modes the +situations are susceptible of, there is no escaping a repetition of +near the same images, the same figures, the same expressions, with this +further inconvenience added to the disgust it creates, that the words +Joys, Ardours, Transports, Extasies and the rest of those pathetic terms +so congenial to, so received in the Practice of Pleasure, flatten +and lose much of their due spirit and energy by the frequency they +indispensably recur with, in a narrative of which that Practice +professedly composes the whole basis. I must therefore trust to the +candour of your judgment, for your allowing for the disadvantage I +am necessarily under in that respect; and to your imagination and +sensibility, the pleasing taks of repairing it, by their supplements, +where my descriptions flag or fail: the one will readily place the +pictures I present before your eyes; the other give life to the colours +where they are dull, or worn with too frequent handling. + +What you say besides, by way of encouragement concerning the extreme +difficulty of continuing so long in one strain, in a mean tempered with +taste, between the revoltingness of gross, rank and vulgar expressions, +and the ridicule of mincing metaphors and affected circumlocutions, is +so sensible, as well as good-natured, that you greatly justify me to +myself for my compliance with a curiosity that is to be satisfied so +extremely at my expense. + +Resuming now where I broke off in my last, I am in my way to remark to +you, that it was late in the evening before I arrived at my lodgings, +and Mrs. Cole, after helping me to range and secure my things, spent +the whole evening with me in my apartment, where we supped together, in +giving me the best advice and instruction with regard to the new stage +of my profession I was now to enter upon; and passing thus from a +private devotee to pleasure into a public one, to become a more general +good, with all the advantages requisite to put my person out to use, +either for interest or pleasure, or both. "But then," she observed, "as +I was a kind of new face upon the town, that is, was an established rule +and myster of trade, for me to pass for a maid and dispose of myself +as such on the first good occasion, without prejudice, however, to such +diversions as I might have a mind to in the interim; for that nobody +could be a greater enemy than she was to the losing of time. That she +would, in the mean time, do her best to find out a proper person, and +would undertake to manage this nice point for me, if I would accept +of her aid and advice to such good purpose, that, in the loss of a +fictitious maidenhead, I should reap all the advantages of a native +one." + +As too great a delicacy of sentiments did not extremely belong to my +character at that time, I confess, against myself, that I perhaps too +readily closed with a proposal which my candor and ingenuity gave me +some repugnance to: but not enough to contradict the intention of one to +whom I had now thoroughly abandoned the direction of all my steps. For +Mrs. Cole had, I do not know how unless by one of those unaccountable +invincible sympathies that, nevertheless, from the strongest links, +especially of female friendship, won and got entire possession of me. On +her side, she pretended that a strict resemblance, she fancied she saw +in me, to an only daughter whom she had lost at my age, was the first +motive of her taking to me so affectionately as she did. It might be so: +there exist a slender motives of attachment, that, gathering force from +habit and liking, have proved often more solid and durable than those +founded on much stronger reasons; but this I know, that though I had +no other acquaintance with her, than seeing her at my lodgings, when +I lived with Mr. H..., where she had made errands to sell me some +millinery ware, she had by degrees insinuated herself so far into my +confidence, that I threw myself blindly into her hands, and came, +at length, to regard, love, and obey her implicitly; and, to do her +justice, I never experienced at her hands other than a sincerity of +tenderness, and care for my interest, hardly heard of in those of +her profession. We parted that night, after having settled a perfect +unreserved agreement; and the next morning Mrs. Cole came, and took me +with her to her house for the first time. + +Here, at the first sight of things, I found every thing breathe an air +of decency, modesty and order. + +In the outer parlour, or rather shop, sat three young women, rather +demurely employed on millinery work, which was the cover of a traffic in +more precious commodities; but three beautifuller creatures could hardly +be seen. Two of them were extremely fair, the eldest not above nineteen; +and the third, much about that age, was a piquant brunette, whose black +sparking eyes, and perfect harmony of features and shape, left her +nothing to envy in her fairer companions. Their dress too had the more +design in it, the less it appeared to have, being in a taste of uniform +correct neatness, and elegant simplicity. These were the girls that +composed the small domestic flock, which my governess trained up with +surprising order and management, considering the giddy wildness of young +girls once got upon the loose. But then she never continued any in her +house, whom, after a due noviciate, she found un-tractable, or unwilling +to comply with the rules of it. Thus she had insensibly formed a little +family of love, in which the members found so sensibly their account, +in a rare alliance of pleasure and interest, and of a necessary outward +decency, with unbounded secret liberty, that Mrs. Cole, who had picked +them as much for their temper as their beauty, governed them with ease +to herself and them too. + +To these pupils then of hers, whom she had prepared, she presented me +as a new boarder, and one that was to be immediately admitted to all the +intimacies of the house; upon which these charming girls gave me all the +marks of a welcome reception, and indeed of being perfectly pleased with +my figure, that I could possibly expect from any of my own sex: but they +had been effectually brought to sacrifice all jealousy, or competition +of charms, to a common interest, and considered me a partner that was +bringing no despicable stock of goods into the trade of the house. They +gathered round me, viewed me on all sides; and as my admission into this +joyous troop made a little holiday, the shew of work was laid aside; and +Mrs. Cole giving me up, with special recommendation, to their caresses +and entertainment, went about her ordinary business of the house. + +The sameness of our sex, age, profession, and views, soon creased +as unreserved a freedom and intimacy as if we had been for years +acquainted. They took and shewed me the house, their respective +apartments, which were furnished with every article of convenience and +luxury; and above all, a spacious drawing-room, where a select revelling +band usually met, in general parties of pleasure; the girls supping +with their sparks, and acting their wanton pranks with unbounded +licentiousness; whilst a defiance of awe, modesty or jealousy were their +standing rules, by which, according to the principles of their society, +whatever pleasure was lost on the side of sentiment, was abundantly made +up to the senses in the poignancy of variety, and the charms of ease and +luxury. The authors and supporters of this secret institution would, in +the height of their humour, style themselves the restorers of the golden +age and its simplicity of pleasures, before their innocence became so +unjustly branded with the names of guilt and shame. + +As soon then as the evening began, and the shew of a shop was shut, the +academy opened; the mask of mock-modesty was completely taken off, and +all the girls delivered over to their respective calls of pleasure +or interest with their men: and none of that sex was promiscuously +admitted, but only such as Mrs. Cole was previously satisfied with their +character and discretion. In short, this was the safest, politest, and, +at the same time, the most thorough house of accommodation in town: +every thing being conducted so, that decency made no intrenchment upon +the most libertine pleasures; in the practice of which, too, the choice +familiars of the house had found the secret so rare and difficult, of +reconciling even all the refinements of taste and delicacy, with the +most gross and determinate gratifications of sensuality. + +After having consumed the morning in the dear endearments and +instructions of my new acquaintance, we went to dinner, when Mrs. +Cole, presiding at the head of her club, gave me the first idea of her +management and address, in inspiring these girls with so sensible a +love and respect for her. There was no stiffness, no reserve, no airs of +pique, or little jealousies, but all was unaffectedly gay, cheerful and +easy. + +After dinner, Mrs. Cole, seconded by the young ladies, acquainted me +that there was a chapter to be held that night in form, for the ceremony +of my reception into the sisterhood; and in which, with all due reserve +to my maidenhead, that was to be occasionally cooked up for the first +proper chapman. I was to undergo a ceremonial of initiation they were +sure I should not be displeased with. + +Embarked as I was, and moreover captivated with the charms of my new +companions, I was too much prejudiced in favour of any proposal they +could make, to as much as hesitate an assent; which, therefore, readily +giving in the style of a carte blanche, I received fresh kisses of +compliment from them all, in approval of my docility and good nature. +Now I was "a sweet girl... I came into things with a good grace... I was +not affectedly coy... I should be the pride of the house," and the like. + +This point thus adjusted, the young women left Mrs. Cole to talk and +concert matters with me, when she explained to me, that "I should be +introduced that very evening, to four of her best friends, one of +whom she had, according to the custom of the house, favoured with the +preference of engaging me in the first party of pleasure;" assuring me, +at the same time, "that they were all young gentlemen agreeable in their +persons, and unexceptionable in every respect; that united, and holding +together by the band of common pleasures, they composed the chief +support of her house, and made very liberal presents to the girls that +pleased and humoured them, so that they were, properly speaking, the +founders and patrons of this little seraglio. Not but that she had, at +proper seasons, other customers to deal with, whom she stood less upon +punctilio with, than with these; for instance, it was not on one of them +she could attempt to pass me for a maid; they were not only too knowing, +too much town-bred to bite at such a bait, but they were such generous +benefactors to her, that it would be unpardonable to think of it." + +Amidst all the flutter and emotion which this promise of pleasure, for +such I conceived it, stirred up in me, I preserved so much of the woman, +as to feign just reluctance enough to make some merit, of sacrificing it +to the influence of my patroness, whom I likewise, still in character, +reminded of it perhaps being right for me to go home and dress, in +favour of my first impressions. + +But Mrs. Cole, in opposition to this, assured me, "that the gentlemen +I should be presented to were, by their rank and taste of things, +infinitely superior to the being touched with any glare of dress or +ornaments, such slick women rather confound and overlay than set off +their beauty with; that these veteran voluptuaries knew better than not +to hold them in the highest contempt: they with whom the pure native +charms alone could pass current, and who would at any time leave a +sallow, washy, painted duchess on her own hands, for a ruddy, healthy +firm fleshed country maid; and as for my part, that nature had +done enough for me, to set me above owing the least favour to art;" +concluding withal, that for the instant occasion, there was no dress +like an undress. + +I thought my governess too good a judge of these matters, not to +be easily overruled by her: after which she went on preaching very +pathetically the doctrine of passive obedience and non-resistance to +all those arbitrary tastes of pleasure, which are by some styled the +refinements, and by others the depravations of it; between whom it was +not the business of a simple girl, who was to profit by pleasing, to +decide, but to conform to. Whilst I was edifying by these wholesome +lessons, tea was brought in, and the young ladies, returning, joined +company with us. + +After a great deal of mixed chat, frolic and humour, one of them, +observing that there would be a good deal of time on and before the +assembly hour, proposed that each girl should entertain the company +with that critical period of her personal history, in which she first +exchanged the maiden state for womanhood. The proposal was approved, +with only one restriction of Mrs. Cole, that she, on account of her age, +and I, on account of my titular maidenhead, should be excused, at +least till I had undergone the forms of the house. This obtained me a +dispensation, and the promotress of this amusement was desired to begin. + +Her name was Emily; a girl fair to excess, and whose limbs were, if +possible, too well made, since their plump fulness was rather to the +prejudice of that delicate slimness required by the nicer judges of +beauty; her eyes were blue, and streamed inexpressible sweetness, and +nothing could be prettier than her mouth and lips, which closed over a +range of the evenest and whitest teeth. Thus she began: + +"Neither my extraction, nor the most critical adventure of my life, is +sublime enough to impeach me of any vanity in the advancement of the +proposal you have approved of. My father and mother were, and for aught +I know, are still, farmers in the country, not above forty miles from +town: their barbarity to me, in favour of a son, on whom alone they +vouchsafed to bestow their tenderness, had a thousand times determined +me to fly their house, and throw myself on the wide world; but, at +length, an accident forced me on this desperate attempt at the age of +fifteen. I had broken a chinabowl, the pride and idol of both their +hearts; and as an unmerciful beating was the least I had to depend on at +their hands, in the silliness of these tender years, I left the house, +and, at all adventures, took the road to London. How my loss was +resented I do not know, for till this instant I have not heard +a syllable about them. My whole stock was two broad pieces of my +godmother's, a few shillings, silver shoe-buckles and a silver thimble. +Thus equipped, with no more clothes than the ordinary ones I had on my +back, and frightened at every foot or noise I heard behind me, I hurried +on; and I dare sweare, walked a dozen miles before I stopped, through +mere weariness and fatigue. At length I sat down on a style, wept +bitterly, and yet was still rather under increased impressions of fear +on the account of my escape; which made me dread, worse than death, the +going back to my unnatural parents. Refreshed by this little repose, and +relieved by my tears, I was proceeding onward, when I was overtaken by a +sturdy country lad, who was going to London to see what he could do for +himself there, and, like me, had given his friends the slip. He could +not be above seventeen, was ruddy, well featured enough, with uncombed +flaxen hair, a little flapped hat, kersey frock, yarn stockings, in +short, a perfect plough boy. I saw him come whistling behind me, with a +bundle tied to the end of a stick, his travelling equipage. We walked by +one another for some time without speaking; at length we joined company, +and agreed to keep together till we got to our journey's end; what his +designs or ideas were, I know not: the innocence of mine I can solemnly +protest. + +"As night drew on, it became us to look out for some inn or shelter; to +which perplexity another was added, and that was, what we should say for +ourselves, if we were questioned. After some puzzle, the young fellow +started a proposal, which I thought the finest that could be; and what +was that? why, that we should pass for husband and wife: I never dreamed +of consequences. We came presently, after having agreed on this notable +experience, to one of those hedge accommodations for foot passengers, +at the door of which stood an old crazy beldam, who seeing us trudge by, +invited us to lodge there. Glad of any cover, we went in, and my fellow +traveller, taking all upon him, called for what the house afforded, and +we supped together as man and wife; which, considering our figures and +ages, could not have passed on any one but such as any thing could +pass on. But when bed-time came on, we had neither of us the courage +to contradict our first account of ourselves; and what was extremely +pleasant, the young lad seemed as perplexed as I was how to evade lying +together, which was so natural for the state we had pretended to. Whilst +we were in this quandary, the landlady takes the candles, and lights +us to our apartment, through a long yard, at the end of which it stood, +separate from the body of the house. Thus we suffered ourselves to be +conducted, without saying a word in opposition to it; and there, in a +wretched room, with a bed answerable, we were left to pass the night +together, as a thing quite of course. For my part, I was so incredibly +innocent, as not even to think much more harm of going into bed with the +young man, than with one of our dairy wenches; nor had he, perhaps, any +other notions than those of innocence, till such a fair occasion put +them into his head. + +"Before either of us undressed, however, he put out the candle; and the +bitterness of the weather made it a kind of necessity for me to go into +bed: slipping then my clothes off, I crept under the bedclothes, where +I found the young stripling already nestled, and the touch of his warm +flesh rather pleased than alarmed me. I was indeed too much disturbed +with the novelty of my condition to be able to sleep; but then I had +not the least thought of harm. But oh! how powerful are the instincts +of nature! how little is there wanting to set them in action! The young +man, sliding his arm under my body, drew me gently towards him, as if +to keep himself and me warmer; and the heat I felt from joining our +breasts, kindled another that I had hitherto never felt, and was, +even then, a stranger to the nature of. Emboldened, I suppose, by my +easiness, he ventured to kiss me, and I insensibly returned it; without +knowing the consequence of returning it: for, on this encouragement, he +slipped his hand all down from my breast to that part of me where the +sense of feeling is so exquisitely critical, as I then experienced by +its instant taking fire upon the touch, and glowing with a strange +tickling heat: there he pleased himself and me, by feeling, till growing +a little too bold with me, he hurt me, and made me complain. Then he +took my hand, which he guided, not unwillingly on my side, between the +twist of his closed thighs, which were extremely warm; there he lodged +and pressed it, till raising it by degrees, he made me feel the proud +distinction of his sex from mine. I was frightened at the novelty, +and drew back my hand; yet, pressed and spurred on by sensations of a +strange pleasure, I could not help asking him what that was for? He +told me he would shew me if I would let him; and without waiting for +my answer, which he prevented by stopping my mouth with kisses I was +far from disrelishing, he got upon me, and inserting one of his thighs +between mine, opened them so as to make way for himself, and fixed me to +his purpose; whilst I was so much out of my usual sense, so subdued +by the present power of a new one, that, between far and desire, I lay +utter passive, till the piercing pain rouzed and made me cry out. But +it was too late: he was too firm fixed in the saddle for me to compass +flinging him, with all the struggles I could use, some of which only +served to further his point, and at length an irresistible thrust +murdered at once my maidenhead, and almost me. I now lay a bleeding +witness of the necessity imposed on our sex, to gather the first honey +off the thorns. + +"But the pleasure rising as the pain subsided, I was soon reconciled to +fresh trials, and before morning, nothing on earth could be dearer to me +than this rifler of my virgin sweets: he was every thing to me now. + +"How we agreed to join fortunes: how we came up to town together, where +we lived some time, till necessity-parted us, and drove me into this +course of life, to which I had been long ago bettered and torn to pieces +before I came to this age, as much through my easiness, as through +inclination, had it not been for my finding refuge in this house: these +are all circumstances which pass the mark I proposed, so that here my +narrative ends." + +In the order of our sitting, it was Harriet's turn to go on. Amongst +all the beauties of our sex, that I had before, or have since seen, few +indeed were the forms that could dispute excellence with her's; it was +not delicate, but delicacy itself incarnate, such was the symmetry of +her small but exactly fashioned limbs. Her complexion, fair as it +was, appeared yet more fair, from the effect of two black eyes, the +brilliancy of which gave her face more vivacity than belonged to the +colour of it, which was only defended from paleness, by a sweetly +pleasing blush in her cheeks, that grew fainter and fainter, till at +length it died away insensibly into the overbearing white. Then her +miniature features joined to finish the extreme sweetness of it, which +was not belied by that of a temper turned to indolence, languor, and +the pleasures of love. Pressed to subscribe her contingent, she smiled, +blushed a little, and thus complied with our desires: + +"My father was neither better nor worse than a miller near the city of +York; and both he and my mother dying whilst I was an infant, I fell +under the care of a widow and childless aunt, housekeeper to my lord +N..., at his seat in the county of..., where she brought me up with all +imaginable tenderness. I was not seventeen, as I am not now eighteen, +before I had, on account of my person purely (for fortune I had +notoriously none), several advantageous proposals; but whether nature +was slow in making me sensible in her favourite passion, or that I had +not seen any of the other sex who had stirred up the least emotion +or curiosity to be better acquainted with it, I had, till that age, +preserved a perfect innocence, even of thought: whilst my fears of I +did not now well know what, made me no more desirous of marrying than of +dying. My aunt, good woman, favoured my timorousness, which she loooked +on as childish affection, that her own experience might probably assure +her would wear off in time, and gave my suitors proper answers for me. + +"The family had not been down at that seat for years, so that it was +neglected, and committed entirely to my aunt, and two old domestics to +take care of it. Thus I had the full range of a spacious lonely house +and gardens, situated at about half a mile distance from any other +habitation, except, perhaps, a straggling cottage or so. + +"Here, in tranquillity and innocence, I grew up without any memorable +accident, till one fatal day I had, as I had often done before, left my +aunt asleep, and secure for some hours, after dinner; and resorting to a +kind of ancient summer house, at some distance from the house, I carried +my work with me, and sat over a rivulet, which its door and window faced +upon. Here I fell into a gentle breathing slumber, which stole upon my +senses, as they fainted under the excessive heat of the season at +that hour; a cane couch, with my work basked for a pillow, were all the +conveniences of my short repose; for I was soon awaked and alarmed by a +flounce, and noise of splashing in the water. I got up to see what was +the matter; and what indeed should it be but the son of a neighbouring +gentleman, as I afterwards found (for I had never seen him before), +who had strayed that way with his gun, and heated by his sport, and the +sultriness of the day, had been tempted by the freshness of the clear +stream; so that presently stripping, he jumped into it on the other +side, which bordered on a wood, some trees whereof, inclined down to the +water, formed a pleasing shady recess, commodious to undress and leave +his clothes under. + +"My first emotions at the sight of this youth, naked in the water, were, +with all imaginable respect to truth, those of surprise and fear; +and, in course, I should immediately have run out, had not my modesty, +fatally for itself, interposed the objection of the door and window +being so situated, that it was scarce possible to get out, and make my +way along the bank to the house, without his seeing me: which I could +not bear the thought of, so much ashamed and confounded was I at having +seen him. Condemned then to stay till his departure should release me, +I was greatly embarrassed how to dispose of myself: I kept some time +betwixt terror and modesty, even from looking through the window, which +being an old fashioned casement, without any light behind me, could +hardly betray any one's being there to him from within; then the door +was so secure, that without violence, or my own consent, there was no +opening it from without. + +"But now, by my own experience, I found it too true, that objects which +affright us, when we cannot get from them, draw our eyes as forcibly as +those that please us. I could not long withstand that nameless impulse, +which, without any desire of this novel sight, compelled me towards +it; emboldened too by my certainty of being at once unseen and safe, +I ventured by degrees to cast my eyes on an object so terrible and +alarming to my virgin modesty as a naked man. + +"But as I snatched a look, the first gleam that struck me, was in general +the dewy lustre of the whitest skin imaginable, which the sun playing +upon made the reflection of it perfectly beamy. His face, in the +confusion I was in, I could not well distinguish the lineamints of, any +farther than that there was a great deal of youth and freshness in it. +The frolic and various play of all his fine polished limbs, as they +appeared above the surface, in the course of his swimming or wantoning +with the water, amused and insensibly delighted me; sometimes he lay +motionless, on his back, waterborne, and dragging after him a fine head +of hair, that, floating, swept the stream in a bush of black curls. Then +the overflowing water would make a separation between his breast and +glossy white belly; at the bottom of which I could not escape observing +so remarkable a distinction, as a black mossy tuft, out of which +appeared to emerge a round, softish, limber, white something, that +played every way, with ever the least motion or whirling eddy. I cannot +say but that part chiefly, by a kind of natural instinct, attracted, +detained, captivated my attention: it was out of the power of all my +modesty to command my eye away from it; and seeing nothing so very +dreadful in its appearance, I insensibly looked away all my fears: but +as fast as they gave way, new desires and strange wishes took place, and +I melted as I gazed. The fire of nature, that had so long lain dormant +or concealed, began to break out, and made me feel my sex for the first +time. He had now changed his posture, and swam prone on his belly, +striking out with his legs and arms; finer modeled than which could +not have been cast, whilst his floating locks played over a neck and +shoulders whose whiteness they delightfully set off. Then the luxuriant +swell of flesh that rose from the small of his back, and terminates its +double cope at where the thighs are set off, perfectly dazzled one with +its watery glistening gloss. + +"By this time I was so affected by this inward involution of sentiments, +so softened by this sight, that now, betrayed into a sudden transition +from extreme fears to extreme desires, I found these last so strong upon +me, the heat of the weather too perhaps conspiring to exalt their +rage, that nature almost fainted under them. Not that I so much as knew +precisely what was wanting to me: my only thought was, that so sweet +a creature, as this youth seemed to me, could only make me happy; but +then, the little likelihood there was of compassing an acquaintance with +him, or perhaps of ever seeing him again, dashed my desires, and turned +them into torments. I was still gazing, with all the powers of my sight, +on this bewitching object, when, in an instant, down he went. I had +heard of such things as a cramp seizing on even the best swimmers, and +occasioning their being drowned; and imagining this so sudden eclipse +to be owing to it, the inconceivable fondness this unknown lad had given +birth to, distracted me with the most killing terrors; insomuch, that my +concern giving the wings, I flew to the door, opened it, ran down to +the canal, guided thither by the madness of my fears for him, and the +intense desire of being an instrument to save him, though I was ignorant +how, or by what means to effect it: but was it for fears, and a passion +so sudden as mine, to reason! All this took up scarce the space of a few +moments. I had then just life enough to reach the green borders of the +waterpiece, where wildly looking round for the young man, and missing +him still, my fright and concern sunk me down in a deep swoon, which +must have lasted me some time; for I did not come to myself, till I was +roused out of it by a sense of pain that pierced me to the vitals, and +awaked me to the the most surprising circumstance of finding myself not +only in the arms of this very young gentleman I had been so solicitous +to save; but taken at such an advantage in my unresisting condition, +that he had actually completed his entrance into me so far, that +weakened as I was by all the preceding conflicts of mind I had suffered, +and struck dumb by the violence of my surprise, I had neither the power +to cry out, nor the strength to disengage myself from his strenuous +embraces, before, urging his point, he had forced his way and completely +triumphed over my virginity, as he might now as well see by the +streams of blood that followed his drawing out, as he had felt by the +difficulties he had met with consummating his penetration. But the +sight of the blood, and the sense of my condition, had (as he told me +afterwards), since the ungovernable rage of his passion was somewhat +appeased, now wrought so far on him, that at all risks, even of the +worst consequences, he could not find in his heart to leave me, and make +off, which he might easily have done. I still lay all discomposed +in bleeding ruin, palpitating, speechless, unable to get off, and +frightened, and fluttering like a poor wounded partridge, and ready +to faint away again at the sense of what had befallen me. The young +gentleman was by me, kneeling, kissing my hand, and with tears in his +eyes, beseeching me to forgive him, and offering all the reparation in +his power. It is certain that could I, at the instant of regaining my +senses, have called out, or taken the bloodiest revenge, I would not +be stuck at it; the violation was attended too with such aggravating +circumstances, though he was ignorant of them, since it was to my +concern for the preservation of his life, that I owed my ruin. + +"But how quick is the shift of passions from one extreme to another! and +how little are they acquainted with the human heart who dispute it! I +could not see this amiable criminal, so suddenly the first object of my +love, and as suddenly of my just hate, on his knees, bedewing my hands +with his tears, without relenting. He was still stark-naked, but my +modesty had been already too much wounded, in essentials, to be so much +shocked as I should have otherwise been with appearances only; in short, +my anger ebbed so fast, and the tide of love returned so strong upon +me, that I felt it a point of my own happiness to forgive him. The +reproaches I made him were murmured in so soft a tone, my eyes met his +with such glances, expressing more languor than resentment, that he +could not but presume his forgiveness was at no desperate distance; but +still he would not quit his posture of submission, till I had +pronounced his pardon in form; which after the most fervent entreaties, +protestations, and promises, I had not the power to withhold. On which, +with the utmost marks of a fear of again offending, he ventured to +kiss my lips, which I neither declined nor resented: but on my mild +expostulation with him upon the barbarity of his treatment, he explained +the mystery of my ruin, if not entirely to the clearance, at least much +to the alleviation of his guilt, in the eyes of a judge so partial in +his favour as I was grown. + +"It seems that the circumstance of his going down, or sinking, which +in my extreme ignorance I had mistaken for something very fatal, was no +other than a trick of diving, which I had not ever heard, or at least +attended o, the mention of: and he was so long-breathed at it, that in +the few moments in which I ran out to save him, he had not yet emerged, +before I fell into the swoon, in which, as he rose, seeing me extended +on the bank, his first idea was, that some young woman was upon some +design of frolic or diversion with him, for he knew I could not have +fallen asleep there without his having seen me before: agreebly to which +notion he had ventured to approach, and finding me without sign of life, +and still perplexed as he was what to think of the adventure, he took +me in his arms at all hazards, and carried me into the summer-house, of +which he observed the door open: there he laid me down on the couch, and +tried, as he protested in good faith, by several means to bring me to +myself again, till fired, as he said, beyond all bearing by the sight +and touch of several parts of me, which were unguardedly exposed to him, +he could no longer govern his passion; and the less, as he was not quite +sure that his first idea of this swoon being a feint, was not the very +truth of the case; seduced then by this flattering notion, and overcome +by the present, as he styled them, super-human temptations, combined +with the solitude and seeming security of the attempt, he was not enough +his own master not to make it. Leaving me then just only whilst he +fastened the door, he returned with redoubled eagerness to his prey: +when, finding me still entranced, he ventured to place me as he pleased, +whilst I felt, no more than the dead, what he was about, till the pain +he put me to roused me just in time enough to be witness of a triumph I +was not able to defeat, and now scarce regretted: for as he talked, +the tone of his voice sounded, methought, so sweetly in my ears, the +sensible nearness of so new and interesting an object to me, wrought so +powerfully upon me, that, in the rising perception of things in a new +and pleasing light, I lost all sense of the past injury. The young +gentleman soon discerned the symptoms of a reconciliation in my softened +looks, and hastening to receive the seal of it from my lips, pressed +them tenderly to pass his pardon in the return of a kiss so melting +fiery, that the impression of it being carried to my heart, and thence +to my new discovered sphere of Venus, I was melted into a softness +that could refuse him nothing. When now he managed his caresses and +endearments so artfully, as to insinuate the most soothing consolations +for the past pain and the most pleasing expectations of future pleasure, +but whilst mere modesty kept my eyes from seeing his and rather declined +them, I had a glimpse of that instrument of mischief which was now, +obviously even to me, who had scarce had snatches of a comparative +observation of it, resuming its capacity to renew it, and grew greatly +alarming with its increase of size, as he bore it no doubt designedly, +hard and stiff against one of my hands carelessly dropt; but then he +employed such tender prefacing, such winning progressions, that my +returning passion of desire being now so strongly prompted by the +engaging circumstances of the sight and incendiary touch of his +naked glowing beauties, I yield at length at the force of the present +impressions, and he obtained of my tacit blushing consent all the +gratifications of pleasure left in the power of my poor person to +bestow, after he had cropt its richest flower, during my suspension of +life, and abilities to guard it. Here, according to the rule laid down, +I should stop; but I am so much in notion, that I could not if I would. +I shall only add, however, that I got home without the least discovery, +or suspicion of what had happened. I met my young ravisher several times +after, whom I now passionately loved and who, though not of age to +claim a small but independent fortune, would have married me; but as the +accident that prevented it, and its consequences, which threw me on the +public, contain matters too moving and serious to introduce at present, +I cut short here." + +Louisa, the brunette whom I mentioned at first, now took her turn to +treat the company with her history. I have already hinted to you the +graces of her person, than which nothing could be more exquisitely +touching; I repeat touching, as a just distinction from striking, which +is ever a less lasting effect, and more generally belongs to the fair +complexions; but leaving that decision to every one's taste, I proceed +to give you Louisa's narrative as follows: + +"According to practical maxims of life, I ought to boast of my birth, +since I owe it to pure love, without marriage; but this I know, it was +scarce possible to inherit a stronger propensity to that cause of my +being than I did. I was the rare production of the first essay of a +journeyman cabinet-maker, on his master's maid: the consequence of which +was a big belly, and the loss of a place. He was not in circumstances to +do much for her; and yet, after all this blemish, she found means, after +she had dropt her burthen, and disposed of me to a poor relation in +the country, to repair it by marrying a pastry-cook here in London, +in thriving business; on whom she soon, under favour of the complete +ascendant he had given her over him, passed me for a child she had by +her first husband. I had, on that footing, been taken home, and was +not six years old when this father-in-law died, and left my mother +in tolerable circumstances, and without any children by him. As to my +natural father, he had betaken himself to the sea; where, when the truth +of things came out, I was told that he died, not immensely rich you may +think, since he was no more than a common sailor. As I grew up, under +the eyes of my mother, who kept on the business, I could not but see, +in her severe watchfulness, the marks of a slip, which she did not +care should be hereditary; but we no more choose our passions than +our features or complexions, and the bent of mine was so strong to the +forbidden pleasure, that it got the better, at length, of all her care +and precaution. I was scarce twelve years old, before that part +which she wanted so much to keep out of harm's way, made me feel its +impatience to be taken notice of, and come into play; already had it +put forth the signs of forwardness in the sprout of a soft down over it, +which had often fluttered, and I might also say, grown under my constant +touch and visitation, so pleased was I with what I took to be a kind +of title to womanhood, that state I pined to be entered of, for the +pleasures I conceived were annexed to it; and now the growing importance +of that part to me, and the new sensations in it, demolished at once all +my girlish play-things and amusements. Nature now pointed me strongly +to more solid diversions, while all the stings of desire settled so +fiercely in that little centre of them, that I could not mistake the +spot I wanted a playfellow in. + +"I now shunned all company in which there was no hopes of coming at +the object of my longings, and used to shut myself up, to indulge in +solitude some tender meditation on the pleasure I strongly perceived the +overture of, in feeling and examining what nature assured me must be the +chosen avenue, the gates for unknown bliss to enter at, that I panted +after. + +"But these meditations only increased my disorder, and blew the fire +that consumed me. I was yet worse when, yielding at length to the +insupportable irritations of the little fairy charm that tormented me, +I seized it with my fingers, teazing it to no end. Sometimes, in the +furious excitations of desire, I threw myself on the bed, spread my +thighs abroad, and lay as it were expecting the longed-for relief, till +finding my illusion, I shut and squeezed them together again, burning +and fretting. In short, this develish thing, with its impetuous girds +and itching fires, led me such a life, that I could neither, night or +day, be at peace with it or myself. In time, however, I thought I had +gained a prodigious prize, when figuring to myself that my fingers were +something of the shape of what I pined for, I worked my way in with one +of them with great agitation and delight; yet not without pain too did I +deflower myself as far as it could reach; proceeding with such a fury of +passion, in this solitary and last shift of pleasure, as extended me at +length breathless on the bed in an amorous melting trance. + +"But frequency of use dulling the sensation, I soon began to perceive +that this work was but a paultry shallow expedient, that went but a +little way to relieve me, and rather raised more flame than its dry and +insignificant titillation could rightly appease. + +"Man alone, I almost instinctively knew, as well as by what I had +industriously picked up at weddings and christenings, was possessed of +the only remedy that could reduce this rebellious disorder; but watched +and overlooked as I was, how to come at it was the point, and that, to +all appearance, an invincible one; not that I did not rack my brains and +invention how at once to elude my mothers vigilance, and procure myself +the satisfaction of my impetuous curiosity and longings for this mighty +and untasted pleasure. At length, however, a singular chance did at once +the work of a long course of alertness. One day that we had dined at +an acquaintance over the way, together with a gentlewoman-lodger that +occupied the first floor of our house, there started an indispensable +necessity for my mother's going down to Greenwich to accompany her: the +party was settled, when I do not know what genius whispered me to plead +a headache, which I certainly had not, against my being included in a +jaunt that I had not the least relish for. The pretext, however, passed, +and my mother, with much reluctance, prevailed with herself to go +without me; but took particular care to see me safe home, where she +consigned me into the hands of an old trusty maidservants, who served in +the shop, for we had not a male creature in the house. + +"As soon as she was gone, I told the maid I would go up and lie down on +our lodger's bed, mine not being made, with a charge to her at the same +time not to disturb me, as it was only rest I wanted. This injunction +probably proved of eminent service to me. As soon as I was got into the +bedchamber, I unlaced my stays, and threw myself on the outside of the +bedclothes, in all the loosest undress. Here I gave myself up to the old +insipid privy shifts of my self-viewing, self-touching self-enjoying, +in fine, to all the means of self knowledge I could devise, in search +of the pleasure that fled before me, and tantalized with that unknown +something that was out of my reach; thus all only served to enflame +myself, and to provoke violently my desires, whilst the one thing +needful to their satisfaction was not at hand, and I could have bit my +finger for representing it so ill. After then wearying and fatiguing +myself with grasping shadows, whilst that most sensible part of me +disdained to content itself with less than realities, the strong +yearnings, the urgent struggles of nature towards the melting relief, +and the extreme self-agitations I had used to come at it, had wearied +and thrown me into a kind of unquiet sleep: for, if I tossed and threw +about my limbs in proportion to the distraction of my dreams, as I had +reason to believe I did, a bystander could not have helped seeing all +for love. And one there was it seems; for waking out of my very short +slumber, I found my hand locked in that of a young man, who was. +kneeling at my bed-side, and begging my pardon for his boldness: but +that being a son to the lady to whom, this bed-chamber, he knew, +belonged, he had slipped by the servant of the shop, as he supposed, +unperceived, when finding me asleep, his first ideas were to withdraw; +but that he had been fixed and detained there by a power he could better +account for, than resist. + +"What shall I say? my emotions of fear and surprise were instantly +subdued by those of the pleasure I bespoke in great presence of mind +from the turn this adventure might take. He seemed to me no other than a +pitying angel, dropt out of the clouds: for he was young and perfectly +handsome, which was more than even I had asked for, man, in general, +being all that my utmost desires had pointed at. I thought then I could +not put too much encouragement into my eyes and voice; I regretted no +leading advances; no matter for his after-opinion of my forwardness, +so it might bring him to the point of answering my pressing demands of +present case; it was not now with his thoughts but his actions that my +business immediately lay. I raised then my head, and told him, in a soft +tone, that tended to prescribe the same key to him, that his mamma was +gone out and would not return till late at night: which I thought no +bad hint; but as it proved, I had nothing of a novice to deal with. The +impressions I had made on him from the discoveries I had betrayed of my +person in the disordered motions of it, during his view of me asleep, +had, as he afterwards told me, so fixed and charmingly prepared +him, that, had I known his dispositions, I had more to hope from his +violence, than to fear from his respect; and even less than the extreme +tenderness which I threw into my voice and eyes, would have served to +encourage him to make the most of the opportunity. Finding then that his +kisses, imprinted on my hand, were taken as tamely as he could wish, +he rose to my lips; and glewing his to them, made me so faint with +overcoming joy and pleasure, that I fell back, and he with me, in +course, on the bed, upon which I had, by insensibly shifting from the +side to near the middle, invitingly, made room for him. He is now lain +down by me, and the minutes being too precious to consume in ultimate +ceremony, or dalliance, my youth proceeds immediately to those +extremities, which all my looks, humming and palpitations, had assured +him he might attempt without the fear of a repulse: those rogues the +men, read us admirably on these occasions. I lay then at length panting +for the imminent attack, with wishes far beyond my fears, and for which +it was scarce possible for a girl, barely thirteen, but tall and well +grown, to have better dispositions. He threw up my petticoat and shift, +whilst my thighs were, by an instinct of nature, unfolded to their best; +and my desires had so thoroughly destroyed all modesty in me, that even +their being now naked and all laid open to him, was part of the prelude +that pleasure deepened my blushes at, more than same. But when his hand, +and touches, naturally attracted to their center, made me feel all their +wantonness and warmth in, and round it, oh! how immensely different a +sense of things, did I perceive there, than when under my own insipid +handling! And now his waistcoat was unbuttoned, and the confinement +of the breeches burst through, when out started to view the amazing, +pleasing object of all my wishes, all my dreams, all my love, the king +member indeed! I gazed at, I devoured it, at length and breadth, with +my eyes intently directed to it, till his; getting upon me, and placing +between my thighs, took from me the enjoyment of its sight, to give me a +far more grateful one, in its touch, in that part where its touch is so +exquisitely affecting. Applying it then to the minute opening, for such +at that age it certainly was, I met with too much good will, I felt with +too great a rapture of pleasure the first insertion of it, to heed much +the pain that followed: I thought nothing too dear to pay for this the +richest treat of the sense; so that, split up, torn, bleeding, mangled +I was still superiorly pleased, and hugged the author of all this +delicious ruin. But when, soon after, he made his second attack, sore as +every thing was, the smart was soon put away by the sovereign cordial; +all my soft complainings were silenced, and the pain melting fast away +into pleasure. I abandoned myself over to all its transports, and gave +it the full possession of my whole body and soul; for now all thought +was at an end with me; I lived in what I felt only. And who could +describe those feelings, those agitations, yet exalted by the charm of +their novelty and surprise? when that part of me which had so hungered +for the dear morsel that now so delightfully crammed, forced all my +vital sensations to fix their home there, during the stay of my beloved +guest; who too soon paid me for his hearty welcome, in a dissolvent, +richer far than that I have heard of some queen treating her paramour +with, in liquified pearl, and ravishingly poured into me, where, now +myself too much melted to give it a dry reception, I hailed it with the +warmest confluence on my side, amidst all those ecstatic raptures, not +unfamiliar I presume to this good company. Thus, however, I arrived at +the very top of all my wishes, by an accident unexpected indeed, but +not so wonderful; for this young gentleman was just arrived in town from +college, and came familiarly to his mother at her apartment, where he +had once before been, though, by mere chance. I had not seen him: so +that we knew one another by hearing only; and finding me stretched on +his mother's bed, he readily concluded from her description, who it was. +The rest you know. + +"This affair had however no ruinous consequences, the young gentleman +escaping then, and many more times undiscovered. But the warmth of my +constitution, that made the pleasures of love a kind of necessary of +life to me, having betrayed me into indiscretions fatal to my private +fortune, I fell at length to the public; from which, it is probable, I +might have met with the worst of ruin, if my better fate had not thrown +me into this safe and agreeable refuge." + +Here Louisa ended; and these little histories having brought the time +for the girls to retire, and to prepare for the revels of the evening, I +staid with Mrs. Cole, till Emily came, and told us the company was met, +and waited for us. + +Mrs. Cole on this, taking me by the hand, with a smile of encouragement, +led me up stairs, preceded by Louisa, who was come to hasten us, and +lighted us with two candles, one in each hand. + +On the landing-place of the first pair of stairs, we were met by a young +gentleman, extremely well dressed, and a very pretty figure, to whom I +was to be indebted for the first essay of the pleasures of the house. +He saluted me with great gallantry, and handed me into the drawing room, +the floor of which was overspread with a Turkey carpet, and all its +furniture voluptuously adapted to every demand of the most studied +luxury; now too it was, by means of a profuse illumination, enlivened +by a light scarce inferior, and perhaps more favourable to joy, more +tenderly pleasing, than that of broad sunshine. + +On my entrance into the room, I had the satisfaction! to hear a buzz of +approbation run through the whole company, which now consisted of four +gentlemen, including my particular (this was the cant term of the +house for one's gallant for the time), the three young-women, in a +neat flowing dishabille, the mistress of the academy, and myself. I was +welcomed and saluted by a kiss all round, in which, however, it was easy +to-discover, in the superior warmth of that of the men, the distinction +of the sexes. + +Awed, and confounded as I was, at seeing myself surrounded, caressed, +and made court to by so many strangers, I could not immediately +familiarize myself to all that air of gaiety and joy, which dictated +their compliments, and animated their caresses. + +They assured me that I was so perfectly to their taste, as to have but +one fault against me, which I might easily be cured of, and that was +my modesty: this, they observed, might pass for a beauty the more with +those who wanted it for a heigh tener; but their maxim was, that it was +an impertinent mixture, and dashed the cup so as to spoil the sincere +draught of pleasure; they considered it accordingly as their mortal +enemy, and gave it no quarter wherever they met with it. This was a +prologue not unworthy of the revels that ensued. + +In the midst of all the frolic and wantonness, which this joyous band +had presently, and all naturally, run into, an elegant supper was served +in, and we sat down to it, my spark elect placing himself next to me, +and the other couples without order or ceremony. The delicate cheer and +good wine soon banished all reserve; the conversation grew as lively as +could be wished, without taking too loose a turn: these professors of +pleasure knew too well, how to stale impressions of it, or evaporate +the imagination of words, before the time of action. Kisses however were +snatched at times, or where a handkerchief round the neck interposed +its feeble barrier, it was not extremely respected: the hands of the men +went to work with their usual petulance, till the provocation on both +sides rose to such a pitch, that my particulars's proposal for beginning +the country dances was received with instant assent: for, as he +laughingly added, he fancied the instruments were in tune. This was a +signal for preparation, that the complaisant Mrs. Cole, who understood +life, took for her cue of disappearing; no longer so fit for personal +service herself, and content with having settled the order of battle, +she left us the field, to fight it out at discretion. + +As soon as she was gone, the table was removed from the middle, and +became a side-board; a couch was brought into its place, of which when I +whisperingly inquired the reason, of my particular, he told me, "that +as it was chiefly on my account that his convention was met, the parties +intended at once to humour their taste of variety in pleasures, and by +an open public enjoyment, to see me broke of any taint of reserve or +modesty, which they looked on as the poison of joy; that though they +occasionally preached pleasure, and lived up to the text, they did not +enthusiastically set up for missionaries, and only indulged themselves +in the delights of a practical instruction of all the pretty women they +liked well enough to bestow it upon, and who fell properly in the way of +it; but that as such a proposal might be too violent, too shocking for a +young beginner, the old standers were to set an example, which he hoped +I would not be averse to follow, since it was to him I was devolved in +favour of the first experiment; but that still I was perfectly at my +liberty to refuse the party, which being in its nature one of pleasure, +supposed an exclusion of all force or constraint." + +My countenance expressed, no doubt, my surprise as my silence did my +acquiescence. I was now embarked, and thoroughly determined on any +voyage the company would take me on. + +The first that stood up, to open the ball, were a cornet of horse, and +that sweetest of olive-beauties, the soft and amorous Louisa. He led her +to the couch (nothing loth), on which he gave her the fall, and extended +her at length with an air of roughness and vigour, relishing high of +amorous eagerness and impatience. The girl, spreading herself to the +best advantage, with her head upon the pillow, was so concentered in +that she was about, that our presence was the least of her care and +concern. Her petticoats, thrown up with her shift, discovered to the +company the finest turned legs and thighs that could be imagined, and +in broad display, that gave us a full view of that delicious cleft of +flesh, into which the pleasing hair, grown mount over it, parted and +presented a most inviting entrance, between two close hedges, delicately +soft and pouting. Her gallant was now ready, having disencumbered +himself from his clothes, overloaded with lace, and presently, his shirt +removed, shewed us his forces at high plight, bandied and ready for +action. But giving us no time to consider the dimensions, he threw +himself instantly over his charming antagonist who received him as he +pushed at once dead at mark, like a heroine, without flinching; for +surely never was girl constitutionally truer to the taste of joy, or +sincerer in the expressions of its sensations, than she was: we +could observe pleasure lighten in her eyes, as he introduced his +plenipotentiary instrument into her; till, at length, having indulged +her to its utmost reach, its irritations grew so violent, and gave her +the spurs so furiously, that collected within herself, and lost to every +thing but the enjoyment of her favourite feelings, she retarded his +thrusts with a just concert of spring heaves, keeping time so exactly +with the most pathetic sighs, that one might have numbered the strokes +in agitation by their distinct murmurs, whilst her active limbs kept +wreathing and intertwisting with his, in convulsive folds: then the +turtle-billing kisses, and the poignant painless lovebites, which they +both exchanged, in a rage of delight, all conspiring towards the +melting period. It soon came on, when Louisa, in the ravings of her +pleasure-frensy, impotent of all restraint, cried out: "Oh Sir!... Good +Sir! pray do not spare me! ah! ah!..." All her accents now faultering +into heart-fetched sighs, she closed her eyes in the sweet death, in +the instant of which we could easily see the signs in the quiet, dying, +languid posture of her late so furious driver, who was stopped of a +sudden, breathing short, panting, and, for that time, giving up the +spirit of pleasure. As soon as he was dismounted, Louisa sprung up, +shook her petticoats, and running up to me, gave me a kiss, and drew me +to the side-board, to which she was herself handed by her gallant, where +they made me pledge them in a glass of wine, and toast a droll health of +Louisa's proposal in high frolic. + +By this time the second couple was ready to enter the lists: which were +a young baronet, and that delicatest of charmers, the winning, tender +Harriet. My gentle esquire came to acquaint me with it, and brought me +back to the scene of action. + +And, surely, never did one of her profession accompany her dispositions, +for the barefaced part she was engaged to play, with such a peculiar +grace of sweetness, modesty and yielding coyness, as she did. All her +air and motions breathed only unreserved, unlimited complaisance without +the least mixture of impudence, or prostitution. But what was yet more +surprising, her spark elect, in the midst of the dissolution of a public +open enjoyment, doated on her to distraction, and had, by dint of love +and sentiments, touched her heart, though for a while the restraint +of their engagement to the house laid him under a kind of necessity of +complying with an institution which himself had had the greatest share +establishing. + +Harriet was then led to the vacant couch by her gallant, blushing as +she looked at me, and with eyes made to justify any thing, tenderly +bespeaking of me the most favourable construction of the step she was +thus irresistibly drawn into. + +Her lover, for such he was, sat her down at the foot of the couch, and +passing his arm round her neck, preluded with a kiss fervently applied +to her lips, that visibly gave her life and spirit to go through with +the scene; and as he kissed, he gently inclined her head, till it fell +back on a pillow disposed to receive it, and leaning himself down all +the way with her, at once countenanced and endeared her fall to her. +There, as if he had guessed our wishes, or meant to gratify at once his +pleasure and his pride, in being the master, by the title of present +possession, of beauties delicate beyond imagination, he discovered her +breast to his own touch, and our common view; but oh! what delicious +manual of love devotion; how inimitable fine moulded! small, round, +firm, and excellently white; then the grain of their skin, so soothing, +so flattering to the touch! and of beauty. When he had feasted his eyes +with the their nipples, that crowned them, the sweetest buds touch and +perusal, feasted his lips with kisses of the highest relish, imprinted +on those all delicious twin-orbs, he proceeded downwards. + +Her legs still kept the ground; and now, with the tenderest attention +not to shock or alarm her too suddenly, he, by degrees, rather stole +than rolled up her petticoats; at which, as if a signal had been given, +Louisa and Emily took hold of her legs, in pure wantonness, and, in ease +to her, kept them stretched wide abroad. Then lay exposed, or, to speak +more properly, displayed the greatest parade in nature of female charms. +The whole company, who, except myself, had often seen them, seemed as +much dazzled, surprised and delighted, as any one could be who had now +beheld them for the first time. Beauties so excessive could not but +enjoy the privileges of eternal novelty. Her thighs were so exquisitely +fashioned, that either more in, or more out of flesh than they were, +they would have declined from that point of perfection they presented. +But what infinitely enriched and adorned them, was the sweet +intersection formed, where they met, at the bottom of the smoothest, +roundest, whitest belly, by that central furrow which nature had sunk +there, between the soft relievo of two pouting ridges, and which, in +this girl, was in perfect symmetry of delicacy and miniature with the +rest of her frame. No! nothing in nature could be of a beautifuller cut; +then, the dark umbrage of the downy spring moss that over-arched it, +bestowed, on the luxury of the landscape, a touching warmth, a tender +finishing, beyond the expression of words, or even the paint of thought. + +Her truly enamoured gallant, who had stood absorbed and engrossed by the +pleasure of the sight long enough to afford us time to feast ours (no +fear of glutting!) addressed himself at length to the materials of +enjoyment, and lifting the linen veil that hung between us and his +master member of the revels, exhibited one whose eminent size proclaimed +the owner a true woman's hero. He was, besides in every other respect, +an accomplished gentleman, and in the bloom and vigour of youth. +Standing then between Harriet's legs, which were supported by her two +companions at their widest extension, with one hand he gently disclosed +the lips of that luscious mouth of nature, whilst with the other, he +stooped his mighty machine to its lure, from the height of his stiff +stand-up towards his belly; the lips, kept open by his fingers, received +its broad shelving head of coral hue: and when he had nestled it in, he +hovered there a little, and the girls then delivered over to his hips +the agreeable office of supporting her thighs; and now, as if he meant +to spin out his pleasure, and give it the more play for its life, he +passed up his instrument so slow that we lost sight of it inch by inch, +till at length it was wholly taken into the soft laboratory of love, and +the mossy mounts of each fairly met together. In the mean time, we could +plainly mark the prodigious effect the progressions of this delightful +energy wrought in this delicious girl, gradually heightening her beauty +as they heightened her pleasure. Her countenance and whole frame grew +more animated; the faint blush of her cheeks, gaining ground on the +white, deepened into a florid vivid vermillion glow, her naturally +brilliant eyes now sparkled with ten-fold lustre; her languor was +vanished, and she appeared quick, spirited and alive all over. He had +now fixed, nailed, this tender creature, with his home-driven wedge, +so that she lay passive by force, and unable to stir, till beginning +to play a strain of arms against this vein of delicacy, as he urged the +to-and-fro con-friction, he awakened, roused, and touched her so to the +heart, that unable to contain herself, she could not but reply to his +motions, as briskly as her nicety of frame would admit of, till the +raging stings of the pleasure rising towards the point, made her wild +with the intolerable sensations of it, and she now threw her legs and +arms about at random, as she lay lost in the sweet transport; which on +his side declared itself by quicker, eager thrusts, convulsive gasps, +burning sighs, swift laborious breathing, eyes darting humid fires: all +faithful tokens of the imminent approaches of the last gasp of joy. +It came on at length: the baronet led the extasy, which she critically +joined in, as she felt the melting symptoms from him, in the nick of +which, gluing more ardently than ever his lips to hers, he shewed all +the signs of that agony of bliss being strong upon him, in which he gave +her the finishing titillation; inly thrilled with which, we saw plainly +that she answered it down with all effusion of spirit and matter she was +mistress of, whilst a general soft shudder ran through all her limbs, +which she gave a stretch out, and lay motionless, breathless, dying with +dear delight; and in the height of its expression, showing, through the +nearly closed lids of her eyes, just the edges of their black, the rest +being rolled strongly upwards in their extasy; then her sweet mouth +appeared languish-ingly open, with the tip of her tongue leaning +negligently towards the lower range of her white teeth, whilst natural +ruby colour of her lips glowed with heightened life. Was not this a +subject to dwell upon? And accordingly her lover still kept on her, with +an abiding delectation, till compressed, squeezed and distilled to the +last drop, he took leave with one fervent kiss, expressing satisfied +desires, but unextinguished love. + +As soon as he was off, I ran to her, and sitting down on the couch by +her, rais'd her head, which she declined gently, and hung on my bosom, +to hide her blushes and confusion at what had passed, till by degrees +she re-composed herself, and accepted of a restorative glass of wine +from my spark, who had left me to fetch it to her, whilst her own +was readjusting his affaire and buttoning up; after which he led her, +leaning languish-ingly upon him, to oar stand of view round the couch. + +And now Emily's partner had taken her out for her share in the dance, +when this transcendently fair and sweet tempered creature readily stood +up; and if a com-extreme pretty features, and that florid health and +complexion to put the rose and lily out of countenance, extreme pretty +features, and that florid health and bloom for which the country girls +are so lovely, might pass her for a beauty, this she certainly was, and +one of the most striking of the fair ones. + +Her gallant began first, as she stood, to disengage, her breasts, and +restore them to the liberty of nature, from the easy confinement of no +more than a pair of jumps; but on their coming out to view, we thought +a new light was added to the room, so superiourly shining was their +whiteness; then they rose in so happy a swell as to compose her a well +horned fullness of bosom, that had such an effect on the eye as to seem +flash hardened into marble, of which it emulated the polished gloss, and +far surpassed even the whitest, in the life and lustre of its +colours, white weined with blue. Who could refrain from such provoking +enticements in reach? he touched her breasts, first lightly, when the +glossy smoothness of the skin eluded his hand, and made it slip along +the surface; he pressed them, and the springy flesh that filled them, +thus pitted by force, rose again reboundingly with his hand, and on the +instant defaced the pressure: and alike indeed was the consistence +of all those parts of her body throughout, where the fulness of flesh +compacts and constitutes all that fine firmness which the touch is so +highly attached to. When he had thus largely pleased himself with this +branch of dalliance and delight, he trussed up her petticoat and shift, +in a wisp to her waist, where being tucked in, she stood fairly naked +on every side; a blush at this overspread her lovely face, and her eyes +downcast to the ground, seemed to be for quarter, when she had so great +a right to triumph in all the treasures of youth and beauty that she now +so victoriously displayed. Her legs were perfectly well shaped and +her thighs, which she kept pretty close, shewed so white, so round, so +substantial and abounding in firm flesh, that nothing could afford a +stronger recommendation to the luxury of the touch, which he accordingly +did not fail to indulge in. Then gently removing her hand, which in the +first emotion of natural modesty, she had carried thither, he gave +us rather a glimpse than a view of that soft narrow chink running +its little length downwards, and hiding the remains of it between her +thighs; but plain was to be seen the fringe of light-brown curls, in +beauteous growth over it, that with their silk gloss created a pleasing +variety from the surrounding white, whose lustre too, their gentle +embrowning shade, considerably raised. Her spark then endeavoured, as +she stood, by disclosing her thighs, to gain us a completer sight of +that central charm of attraction, but not obtaining it so conveniently +in that attitude, he led her to the foot of the couch, and bringing +it to one of the pillows gently inclined her head down, so that as she +leaned with it over her crossed hands, straddling with her thighs wide +spread, and jutting her body out, she presented a full back view of +her person, naked to her waist. Her posteriors, plump, smooth, and +prominent, formed luxuriant tracts of animated snow, that splendidly +filled the eye, till it was commanded down the parting or separation +of those exquisitely white cliffs, by their narrow vale, and was there +stopt, and attracted by the embowered bottom-savity, that terminated +this delightful vista and stood moderately gaping from the influence of +her bended posture, so that the agreeable interior red of the sides of +the orifice came into view, and with respect to the white that dazzled +round it, gave somewhat the idea of a pink slash in the glossiest white +satin. Her gallant, who was a gentleman about thirty, somewhat inclined +to a fatness that was in no sort displeasing, improving the hint thus +tendered him of this mode of enjoyment, after setting her well in this +posture, and encouraging her with kisses and caresses to stand him +thro', drew out his affair ready erected, and whose extreme length, +rather disproportioned to its breadth, was the more surprising, as that +excess is not often the case with those of his corpulent habit; making +then the right and direct application, he drove it up to the guard, +whilst the round bulge of those Turkish beauties of her's, tallying +with the hollow made with the bent of his belly and thighs, as he curved +inwards, brought all those parts, surely not un-delightfully, into warm +touch, and close conjunction; his hands he kept passing round her body, +and employed in toying with her enchanting breasts. As soon too as she +felt him at home as he could reach, she lifted her head a little from +the pillow, and turning her neck, without much straining, but her +cheeks glowing with the deepest scarlet, and a smile of the tenderest +satisfaction, met the kiss he pressed forward to give her as they were +thus close joined together: when leaving him to pursue his delights, she +hid again her face and blushes with her hands and pillow, and thus stood +passively and as favourably too as she could, whilst he kept laying at +her with repeated thrusts and making the meeting flesh on both sides +resound again with the violence of them; then ever as he backened from +her, we could see between them part of his long white staff foamingly in +motion, till, as he went on again and closed with her, the interposing +hillocks took it out of sight. Sometimes he took his hands from the +semi-globes of her bosom, and transferred the pressure of them to +those large ones, the present subjects of his soft blockade, which he +squeezed, grasped and played with, till at length in pursuit of driving, +so hotly urged, brought on the height of the fit, with such overpowering +pleasure, that his fair partner became now necessary to support him, +panting, fainting and dying as he discharged; which she no sooner felt +the killing sweetness of, than unable to keep her legs, and yielding to +the mighty intoxication, she reeld, and falling forward on the couch, +made it a necessity for him, if he would preserve the warm-pleasure +hold, to fall upon her, where they perfected, in a continued conjunction +of body and extatic flow, their scheme of joys for that time. + +As soon as he had disengaged, the charming Emily got up, and we crowded +round her with congratulations and other officious little services; for +it is to be noted, that though all modesty and reserve were banished +from the transaction of these pleasures, good manners and politeness +were inviolably observed: there was no gross ribaldry, no offensive +or rude behaviour, or ungenerous reproaches to the girls for their +compliance With the humours and desires of the men. On the contrary, +nothing was wanting to soothe, encourage, and soften the sense of their +condition to them. Men know not in general how much they destroy of +their own pleasure, when they break through the respect and tenderness +due to our sex, and even to those of it who live only by pleasing +them. And this was a maxim perfectly well understood by these polite +voluptuaries, these profound adepts in the great art and science of +pleasure, who never shewed these votaries of theirs a more tender +respect than at the time of those exercises of their complaisance, when +they unlocked their treasures of concealed beauty, and shewed out in the +pride of their native charms, ever more touching surely than when they +parade it in the artificial ones of dress and ornament. + +The frolic was now come round to me, and it being my turn of +subscription to the will and pleasure of my particular elect, as well +as to that of the company, he came to me, and saluting me very tenderly, +with a flattering eagerness, put me in mind of the compliances my +presence there authorized the hopes of, and at the same time repeated to +me, "that if all this force of example had not surmounted any repugnance +I might have to concur with the humours and desires of the company, that +though the play was bespoke for my benefit, and great as his own private +disappointment might be, he would suffer any thing, sooner than be the +instrument of imposing a disagreeable task." + +To this I answered, without the least hesitation, or mincing grimace, +"that had I not even contracted a kind of engagement to be at his +disposal without the least reserve, the example of such agreeable +companions would alone determine me, and that I was in no pain about any +thing but my appearing to so great a disadvantage after such superior +beauties." And take notice that I thought, as I spoke. The frankness +of the answer pleased them all; my particular was complimented on his +acquisition, and, by way of indirect flattery to me, openly envied me. + +Mrs. Cole, by the way, could not have given me a greater mark of her +regard than in managing for me the choice of this young gentleman for +my master of the ceremonies: for, independent of his noble birth and the +great fortune he was heir to, his person was even uncommonly pleasing, +well shaped and tall; his face marked with the small-pox, but no more +than what added a grace of more manliness to features rather turned to +softness and delicacy, was marvellously enlivened by eyes which were of +the clearest sparkling black; in short he was one whom any woman would, +in the familiar style, ready call a very pretty fellow. + +I was now handed by him to the cockpit of our match, where, as I was +dressed in nothing but a white morning gown, he vouchsafed to play the +male Abigail on this occasion, and spared me the confusion that would +have attended the forwardness of undressing myself: my gown then was +loosen'd in a trice, and I divested of it; my stays next offered an +obstacle which readily gave way, Louisa very readily furnished a pair of +scissors to cut the lace; off went that shell and dropping my uppercoat, +I was reduced to my under one and my shift, the open bosom of which gave +the hands and eyes all the liberty they could wish. Here I imagined the +stripping was to stop, but I reckon short; my spark, at the desire of +the rest, tenderly begged, that I would not suffer the small remains of +a covering to rob them of a full view of my whole person; and for me, +who was too flexibly obsequious to dispute any point with them, and who +considered the little more that remained as very immaterial, I readily +assented to whatever he pleased-In an instant, then, my under petticoat +was untied and at my feet, and my shift drawn over my head, so that my +cap, slightly fastened, came off with it, and brought all my hair down +(of which, be it again remembered without vanity, that I had a very fine +head) in loose disorderly ringlets, over my neck and shoulders, to the +no unfavourable set-off of my skin. + +I now stood before my judges in all the truth of nature, to whom I could +not appear a very disagreeable figure, if you please to recollect what +I have beforesaid of my person, which time, that at certain periods of +life robs use every instant of our charms, had, at that of mine, then +greatly improved into full and open, bloom, for I wanted some months +of eighteen. My breasts, which in the state of nudity are ever capital +points, now in no more than in graceful plenitude, maintained a firmness +and steady independence of any stay or support, that dared and invited +the test of the touch. Then I was as tall, as slim-shaped as could +be consistent with all that juicy plumpness of flesh, ever the most +grateful to the senses of sight and touch, which I owed to the +health and youth of my constitution. I had not, however, so thoroughly +renounced all innate shame, as not to suffer great confusion at the +state I saw myself in; but the whole troop round me, men and women, +relieved me with every mark of applause and satisfaction, even +flattering attention to raise and inspire me with even sentiments +of pride on the figure I made, which my friend gallantly protested, +infinitely outshone all other birthday finery whatever; so that had I +leave to set down, for sincere, all the compliments these connoisseurs +overwhelmed me with upon this occasion, I might flatter myself with +having passed my examination with the approbation of the learned. + +My friend, however, who for this time had alone the disposal of me, +humoured their curiosity, and perhaps his own, so far, that he placed me +in all the variety of postures and lights imaginable, pointing out +every beauty under every aspect of it, not without such parentheses, +of kisses, such inflammatory liberties of his roving hands, as made all +shame fly before them, and a blushing glow give place to a warmer one +of desire, which led me even to find some relish in the present scene. + +But in this general survey, you may be sure, the most material spot of +me was not excused the strictest visitation; nor was it but agreed, that +I had not the least reason to be diffident of passing even for a maid, +on occasion; so inconsiderable a flaw had my preceding adventures +created there, and so soon had the blemish of an over-stretch been +repaired and worn out at any age, and in my naturally small make in that +part. + +Now, whether my partner had exhausted all the modes of regaling the +touch or sight, or whether he was now ungovernably wound up to strike, I +know not; but briskly throwing off his clothes, the prodigious heat +bred by a close room, a great fire, numerous candles, and even the +inflammatory warmth of these scenes, induced him to lay aside his shirt +too, when his breeches, before loosened, now gave up their contents +to view, and shew'd in front the enemy I had to engage with, stiffly +bearing up the port of its head imhooded, and glowing red. Then I +plainly saw what I had to trust to: it was one of those just true-sized +instruments, of which the masters have a better command than the more +unwieldy, inordinate sized one are generally under. Straining me then +close to his bosom, as he stood up foreright against me, and applying to +the obvious niche its peculiar idol, he aimed at inserting it, which, +as I forwardly favoured, he effected at once, by canting up my thighs +over his naked hips, and made me receive every inch, and close home; +so-that stuck upon the pleasure-pivot, add clinging round his neck, in +which and in his hair I hid my face, burn-ingly flushing with present +feeling as much as with shame, my bosom glued to him; he carried me once +round the couch, on which he then, without quitting the middle-fastness, +or dischannelling, laid me down, and began with pleasure-grist. But so +provokingly predisposed and primed as we were, by all the moving sights +of the night, our imagination was too much heated not to melt us of the +soonest; and accordingly I no sooner felt the warm spray darted up my +inwards-, from him, but I was punctually on flow, to share the momentary +extasy; but I had yet greater reason to boast of our harmony: for +finding that all the flames of desire were not yet quenched within +me, but that rather, like wetted coals, I glowed the fiercer for this +sprinkling, my hot-mettled spark, sympathizing with me, and loaded for a +double fire, recontinued the sweet battery with undying vigour; greatly +encouraged to accommodate all my motions to his best advantage and +delight; kisses, squeezes, tender murmurs, all came into play, till our +joys growing more turbulent and riotous, threw us into a fond disorder, +and as they raged to a point, bore us far from our selves into an +ocean of boundless pleasures, into which we both plunged together in a +transport of taste. Now all the impressions of burning desire, from +the lively scenes I had been spectatress of, ripened the heat of this +exercise, and collecting to a head, throbbed and agitated me with +insupportable irritations: I perfectly fevered and maddened with their +excess. I bid not now enjoy a calm of reason enough to perceive, but +I extatically, indeed, felt the power of such rare and exquisite +provocatives, as the examples of the night had proved towards thus +exalting our pleasures: which, with great joy. I sensibly found my +gallant shared in, by his nervous and home expressions of it: his eyes +flashing eloquent flames, his action infuriated with the stings of it, +all conspiring to raise my delight, by assuring me of his. Lifted then +to the utmost pitch of joy that human life can bear, undestroyed by +excess, I touched that sweetly critical point, whence scarce prevented +by the injection from my partner, I dissolved, and breaking out into a +deep drawn sigh, sent my whole sensitive soul down to that passage where +escape was denied it, by its being so deliciously plugged and choked up. +Thus we lay a few blissful instants, overpowered, still, and languid; +till, as the sense of pleasure stagnated, we recovered from our trance, +and he slipt out of me, not however before he had protested his extreme +satisfaction by the tenderest kiss and embrace, as well as by the most +cordial expressions. + +The company, who had stood round us in a profound silence, when all was +over, helped me to hurry on my clothes in an instant, and complimented +me on the sincere homage they could not escape observing had been done +as they termed it--to the sovereignty of my charms, in my receiving a +double payment of tribute at one juncture. But my partner, now dressed +again, signalized, above all, a fondness unbated by the circumstance of +recent enjoyment; the girls too kissed and embraced me, assuring me +that for that time, or indeed any other, unless I pleased, I was to +go through no farther public trials, and that I was now consummatedly +initiated, and one of them. + +As it was an inviolable law for every gallant to keep to his partner, +for the night especially, and even till he relinquished possession over +to the community, in order to preserve a pleasing property, and to avoid +the disgusts and indelicacy of another arrangement, the company, after +a short refection of biscuits and wine, tea and chocolate, served in at +now about one in the morning, broke up, and went off in pairs. Mrs. Cole +had prepared my spark and me an occasion field-bed, to which we retired, +and there ended the night in one continued strain of pleasure, sprightly +and uncloyed enough for us not to have formed one wish for its ever +knowing an end. In the morning, after a restorative breakfast in bed, +he got up, and with very tender assurance of a particular regard for me, +left me to the composure and refreshment of a sweet slumber; waking out +of which, and getting up to dress before Mrs. Cole should come in, I +found in one of my pockets a purse of guineas, which he had slipt there; +and just as I was musing on a liberality I had certainly not expected, +Mrs. Cole came in, to whom I immediately communicated the present, and +naturally offered her whatever share she pleased: but assuring me that +the gentleman had very nobly rewarded her, she would on no terms, no +entreaties, no shape I could put it in, receive any part of it. Her +denial, she observed, was no affectation of grimace, and proceeded to +read me such admirable lessons on the economy of my person and my purse, +as I became amply paid for my general attention and conformity to in +the course of my acquaintance with the town. After which, changing the +discourse, she fell on the pleasures of the preceding night, where I +learned, without much surprise, as I began to enter on her character, +that she had seen every thing that had passed, from a convenient place +managed solely for that purpose, and of which she readily made me the +confidante. + +She had scarce finished this, when the little troop of love girls, my +companions, broke in, and renewed their compliments and caresses.. I +observed with pleasure, that the fatigues and exercises of the night +had not usurped in the least on the life of their complexion, or the +freshness of their bloom: this I found, by their confession, was owing +to the management and advice of our rare directress. They went down then +to figure it, as usual, in the shop; whilst I repaired to my lodging, +where I employed myself till I returned to dinner at Mrs. Cole's. + +Here I staid in constant amusement, with one or other of these charming +girls, till about five in the evening; when seized with a sudden drowsy +fit, I was prevailed on to go up and doze it off on Harriet's bed, who +left me on it to my repose. There then I laid down in my clothes, and +fell fast asleep, and had now enjoyed, by guess, about an hour's rest, +when I was pleasingly disturbed by my new and favourite gallant, who, +enquiring for me, was readily directed where to find me. Coming then +into my chamber, and seeing me lie alone, with my face turned from the +light towards the inside of the bed, he, without more ado, just slipped +off his breeches, for the greater ease and enjoyment of the naked +touch; and softly turning up my petticoats and shift behind, opened the +prospect of the back avenue to the genial seat of pleasure; where, as I +lay at my side length, inclining rather face downward, I appeared full +fair, and liable to be entered. Laying himself gently down by me, he +invested me behind, and giving me to feel the warmth of his body, as +he applied his thighs and belly close to me, and the endeavours of that +machine, whose touch has something so exquisitely singular in it, to +make its way good into me. I awaked pretty much startled at first, at +seeing who it was, disposed myself to turn to him, when he gave me a +kiss, and desiring me to keep my posture, just lifted up my upper thigh, +and ascertaining the right opening, soon drove it up to the farthest: +satisfied with which, and solacing himself with lying so close in those +parts, he suspended motion, and thus steeped in pleasure, kept me lying +on my side, into him, spoon-fashion, as he termed it, from the snug +indent of the back part of my thighs, and all upwards, into the space +of the bending between his thighs and belly; till, after some time, +that restless and turbulent inmate, impatient by nature of longer quiet, +urged him to action, which now prosecuting with all the usual train of +toying, kissing, and the like, ended at length in the liquid proof on +both sides, that we had not exhausted, or at less were quickly recruited +of last night's draughts of pleasure in us. + +With this noble and agreeable youth lived I in perfect joy and +constancy. He was full bent on keeping me to himself, for the +honey-month at least; but his stay in London was not even so long, his +father, who had a post in Ireland, taking him abruptly with him, on +his repairing thither. Yet even then I was near keeping hold of his +affection and person, as he had proposed, and I had consented to follow +him in order to go to Ireland after him, as soon as he could be settled +there; but meeting with an agreeable and advantageous match in that +kingdom, he chose the wiser part, and forebore sending for me, but +at the same time took care that I should receive a very magnificent +present, which did not however compensate for all my deep regret on my +loss of him. + +This event also created a chasm in our little society, which Mrs. Cole, +on the foot of her usual caution, was in no haste to fill up; but then +it redoubled her attention to procure me, in the advantages of a traffic +for a counterfeit maidenhead, some consolation for the sort of widowhood +I had been left in; and this was a scheme she had never lost prospect +of, and only waited for a proper person to bring it to bear with. + +But I was, it seems, fated to be my own caterer in this, as I had been +in my first trial of the market. + +I had now passed near a month in the enjoyment of all the pleasures of +familiarity and society with my companions, whose particular favourites +(the baronet excepted, who soon after took Harriet home) had all, on the +terms of community established in the house, solicited the gratification +of their taste for variety in my embraces; but I had with the utmost art +and address, on various pretexts, eluded their pursuit, without giving +them cause to complain; and this reserve I used neither out of dislike +of them, nor disgust of the thing, but my true reason was my attachment +to my own, and my tenderness of invading the choice of my companions, +who outwardly exempt, as they seemed, from jealousy, could not but in +secret like me the better for the regard I had for, without making a +merit of it to them. Thus easy, and beloved by the whole family, did I +get on; when one day, that, about five in the afternoon, I stepped over +to a fruit shop in Covent Garden, to pick some table fruit for myself +and the young women, I met with the following adventure. + +Whilst I was chaffering for the fruit I wanted, I observed myself +followed by a young gentleman, whose rich dress first attracted my +notice; for the rest, he had nothing remarkable in his person, except +that he was pale, thin-made, and ventured himself upon legs rather of +the slenderest. Easy was it to perceive, without seeming to perceive +it, that it was me he wanted to be at; and keeping his eyes fixed on +me, till he came to the same basket that I stood at, and cheapening, or +rather giving the first price asked for the fruit, began his approaches. +Now most certainly I was not at all out of figure to pass for a modest +girl. I had neither the feathers, nor fumet of a taudry town-miss: a +straw hat, a white gown, clean linen, and above all, a certain natural +and easy air of modesty (which the appearances of never forsook me, even +on those occasions that I most brouke in upon it, in practice) were all +signs that gave him no opening to conjecture my condition. He spoke to +me; and this address from a stranger throwing a blush into my cheeks, +that still set him wider of the truth, I answered him, with an +awkwardness and confusion the more apt to impose, as there really was +a mixture of the genuine in them. But when proceeding, on the foot of +having broken the ice, to join discourse, he went into other leading +questions, I put so much innocence, simplicity, and even childishness, +into my answers, that on no better foundation, liking my person as he +did, I will not answer for it, he would have been sworn for my modesty. +There is, in short, in the men, when once they are caught, by the eye +especially, a fund of cullibility that their lordly wisdom little dreams +of, and in virtue of which the most sagacious of them are seen so often +our dupes. Amongst other queries he put to me, one was, whether I was +married? I replied, that I was too young to think of that this many a +year. To that of my age, I answered, and sunk a year upon him, passing +myself for not above seventeen. As to my way of life, I told him I had +served an apprenticeship to a milliner in Preston, and was come to town +after a relation, that I had found, on my arrival, was dead, and now +lived journey-woman to a milliner in town. That last article, indeed, +was not much of the side of what I pretended to pass for; but it did +pass, under favour of the growing passion I had inspired him with. After +he had next got out of me, very dexterously as he thought, what I had no +sort of design to make reserve of, my own, my mistress's name, and place +of abode, he loaded me with fruit, all the rarest and dearest he could +pick out and sent me home, pondering on what might be the consequence of +this adventure. + +As soon then as I came to Mrs. Cole's, I related to her all that passed, +on which she very judiciously concluded, that if he did not come after +me there was no harm done, and that, if he did, as her presage suggested +to her he would, his character and his views should be well sifted, so +as to know whether the game was worth the springes; that in the mean +time nothing was easier than my part in it, since no more rested on me +than to follow her cue and promptership throughout, till the last act. + +The next morning, after an evening spent on his side, as we afterwards +learnt, in perquisitions into Mrs. Cole's character in the neighbourhood +(than which nothing could be more favourable to her designs upon him), +my gentleman came in his chariot to the shop, where Mrs. Cole alone +had an inkling of his errand. Asking then for her, he easily made a +beginning of acquaintance by bespeaking some millinery ware; when, as I +sat without lifting my eyes, and pursuing the hem of a ruffle with the +utmost composure and simplicity of industry, Mrs. Cole took notice, that +the first impressions I made on him ran no risk of being destroyed by +those of Louisa and Emily, who were then sitting at work by me. After +vainly endeavouring to catch my eyes in rencounter with him (I held my +head down, affecting a kind of consciousness of guilt for having, by +speaking to him given him encouragement and means of following me), and +after giving Mrs. Cole direction when to bring the things home herself, +and the time he should expect them, he went out, taking with him +some goods, that he paid for liberally, for the better grace of his +introduction. + +The girls all this time did not in the least smoak the mystery of this +new customer; but Mrs. Cole, as soon as we were conveniently alone, +insured me, in virtue of her long experience in these matters, "that +for this bout my charms had not missed fire; for by his eagerness, his +manner and looks, she was sure he had it: the only point now in doubt +was his character and circumstances, which her knowledge of the town +would soon gain her the sufficient acquaintance with, to take measure +upon." + +And effectively, in a few hours, her intelligence served her so well, +that she learned that this conquest of mine was no other than Mr. +Norbert, a gentleman originally of great fortune, which, with a +constitution naturally not the best, he had vastly impaired by his +over-violent pursuit of the vices of the town; in the course of which, +having worn out and staled all the more common modes of debauchery, he +had fallen into a taste of maiden-hunting; in which chase he had ruined +a number of girls, sparing no expense to compass his ends, and generally +using them well till tired, or cooled by enjoying, or springing a new +face, he could with more ease disembarrass himself of the old ones, and +resign them to their fate, as his sphere of achievements of that sort +lay only amongst such as he could proceed with by way of bargain and +sale. + +Concluding from these premises, Mrs. Cole observed, that a character of +this sort was ever a lawful prize; that the sin would be, not to make +the best of our market of him; and that she thought such a girl as I +only too good for him at any rate, and on any terms. + +She went then, at the hour appointed, to his lodgings in one of our inns +of court, which were furnished in a taste of grandeur that had a special +eye to all the conveniences of luxury and pleasure. Here she found him +in ready waiting; and after finishing her business of pretence, and a +long conduit of discussions concerning her trade, which she said was +very bad, the qualities of her servants, apprentices, journey-women, +the discourse naturally landed at length on me, when Mrs. Cole, acting +admirably the good old prating gossip, who lets every thing escape her +when her tongue is set in motion, cooked him up a story so plausible +of me, throwing in every now and then such strokes of art, with all the +simplest air of nature, in praise of my person and temper, as finished +him finely for her purpose, whilst nothing could be better counterfeited +than her innocence of his. But when now fired and on edge, he proceeded +to drop hints of his design and views upon me, after he had with much +confusion and pains brought her to the point (she kept as long aloof +from it as she thought proper) of understanding him, without now +affecting to pass for a dragoness of virtue, by flying out into those +violent and ever suspicious passions, she stuck with the better grace +and effect to the character of a plain, good sort of woman, that knew +no harm, and that getting her bread in an honest way, was made of stuff +easy and flexible enough to be wrought to his ends, by his superior +skill and address; but, however, she managed so artfully that three or +four meetings took place, before he could obtain the least favourable +hope of her assistance; without which, he had, by a number of fruitless +messages, letters, and other direct trials of my disposition, convinced +himself there was no coming at me, all which too raised at once my +character and price with him. + +Regardful, however, of not carrying these difficulties to such a +length as might afford time for starting discoveries, or incidents, +unfavourable to her plan, she at last pretended to be won over by mere +dint of entreaties, promises, and, above all, by the dazzling sum she +took care to wind him up to the specification of, when it was now even a +piece of art to feign, at once, a yielding to the allurements of a great +interest, as a pretext for her yielding at all, and the manner of it +such as might persuade him she had never dipped her virtuous fingers in +an affair of that sort. + +Thus she led him through all the gradations of difficulty, and +obstacles, necessary to enhance the value of the prize he aimed at; and +in conclusion, he was so struck with the little beauty I was mistress +of, and so eagerly bent on gaining his ends of me, that he left her no +room to boast of her management in bringing him up to her mark, he drove +so plump of himself into every thing tending to make him swallow the +bait. Not but, in other respects, Mr. Norbert was not clear sighted +enough, or that he did not perfectly know the town, and even by +experience, the very branch of imposition now in practice upon him: but +we had his passion our friend so much, he was so blinded and hurried on +by it, that he would have thought any undeception a very ill office done +to his pleasure. Thus concurring, even precipitately, to the point she +wanted him at, Mrs. Cole brought him at last to hug himself on the cheap +bargain he considered the purchase of my imaginary jewel was to him, +at no more than three hundred guineas to myself, and a hundred to the +brokers: being a slender recompense for all her pains, and all the +scruples of conscience she had now sacrificed to him for this first time +of her life; which sums were to be paid down on the nail, upon delivery +of my person, exclusive of some no inconsiderable presents that had been +made in the course of the negociation: during which I had occasionally, +but sparingly been introduced into his company, at proper times and +hours; in which it is incredible how little it seemed necessary to +strain my natural disposition to modesty higher, in order to pass it +upon him for that a very maid: all my looks and gestures ever breathing +nothing but that innocence which the men so ardently require in us, for +no other end than to feast themselves with the pleasure of destroying +it, and which they are so grievously, with all their skill, subject to +mistakes in. + +When the articles of the treaty had been fully agreed on, the stipulated +payments duly secured, and nothing now remained but the execution of the +main point, which centered in the surrender of my person up to his free +disposal and use, Mrs. Cole managed her objections, especially to his +lodgings, and insinuations so nicely, that it became his own mere notion +and urgent request, that this copy of a wedding should be finished at +her house: "At first, indeed, she did not care, not she, to have such +doings in it... she would not for a thousand pounds have any of the +servants or apprentices know it... her precious good name would be gone +for ever...," with the like excuses. However, on superior objections to +all other expedients, whilst she took care to start none but those which +were most liable to them it came round at last to the necessity of her +obliging' him in that conveniency, and of doing a little more where she +had already done so much. + +The night then was fixed, with all possible respect to the eagerness +of his impatience, and in the mean time Mrs. Cole had omitted no +instructions, nor even neglected any preparation, that might enable me +to come off with honour, in regard to the appearance of my virginity, +except that, favoured as I was by nature with all the narrowness +of stricture in that part requisite to conduct my designs, I had no +occasion to borrow those auxiliaries of art that create a momentary +one, easily discovered by the test of a warm bath; and as to the usual +sanguinary symptoms of defloration, which, if not always, are generally +attendants on it, Mrs. Cole had made me the mistress of an invention of +her own, which could hardly miss its effect, and of which more in its +place. + +Every thing then being disposed and fixed for Mr. Norbert's reception, +he was, at the hour of eleven at night, with all the mysteries of +silence and secrecy, let in by Mrs. Cole herself, and introduced into +her bedchamber, where, in an old-fashioned bed of her's, I lay, fully +undressed, and panting, if not with the fears of a real maid, at least +with those perhaps greater of a dissembled one which gave me an air of +confusion and bashfulness that maiden-modesty had all the honour of, +and was indeed scarce distinguishable from it, even by less partial eyes +than those of my lover: so let me call him, for I ever thought the term +"cully" too cruel a reproach to the men, for their abused weakness for +us. + +As soon as Mrs. Cole, after the old gossipery, on these occasions, used +to young women abandoned for the first time to the will of man, had +left us alone in her room, which, by the bye was well lighted up, at +his previous desire, that seemed to bode a stricter examination than +he afterwards made, Mr. Norbert, still dressed, sprung towards the bed, +where I got my head under the clothes, and defended them a good while +before he could even get at my lips, to kiss them: so true it is, that a +false virtue, on this occasion, even makes & greater rout and resistance +than a true one. From thence he descended to my breasts, the feel I +disputed tooth and nail with him till tired with my resistance, and +thinking probable to give a better account to me, he hurried his clothes +off in an instant, and came into bed. + +Mean while by the glimpse I stole of him, I could easily discover a +person far from promising any such doughty performances as the storming +of maidenheads generally requires, and whose flimsy consumptive +texture gave him more the air of an invalid that was pressed, than of a +volunteer, on such hot service. + +At scarce thirty he had already reduced his strength of appetite down +to a wretched dependance on forced provocatives, very little seconded +by the natural power of a body jaded, and racked off to the less by +constant repeated over draughts of pleasure, which had done the work of +sixty winters on his springs of live: leaving him at the same time all +the fire and head of youth in his imagination, which served at once to +torment and spur him down the precipice. + +As soon as he was in bed, he threw off the bedclothes, which I suffered +him to force from my hold, and I now lay as exposed as he could wish, +not only to his attacks, but his visitation of the sheets; where in the +various agitations of the body, through my endeavours to defend myself, +he could easily assure himself there was no preparation, though, to do +him justice, he seemed a less strict examinant than I had apprehended +from so experienced a practitioner. My shift then he fairly tore open, +finding I made too much use of it to barricade my breasts, as well as +the more important avenue: yet in every thing else he proceeded with all +the marks of tenderness and regard to me, whilst the art of my play was +to shew none for him, I acted them all the niceties, apprehensions, and +terrors, supposable for a girl perfectly innocent to feel, at so great +a novelty as a naked man in bed with her for the first time. He scarce +even obtained a kiss but what he ravished; I put his hand away twenty +times from my breasts, where he had satisfied himself of their hardness +and consistence, with passing for hitherto unhandled goods. But when +grown impatient upon the main point, he now threw himself upon me, +and first trying to examine me with his finger, sought to make himself +further way, I complained of his usage bitterly: "I thought he would +not have served a body so... I was ruined... I did not know what I had +done..., I would get up, so I would...;" and at the same time kept my +thighs so fast locked, that it was not for strength like his to force +them open, or do any good. Finding thus my advantages, and that I had +both my own and his motions at command, the deceiving him came so easy, +that it was perfectly playing upon velvet. In the mean time his machine, +which was one of those sizes that slip in and out without being minded, +kept pretty stiffly bearing against that part, which the shutting my +thighs barred access to; but finding, at length he could do no good by +mere dint of bodily strength, he resorted to entreaties and arguments: +to which I only answered, with a tone of shame and timidity, "that I +was afraid he would kill me... Lord!..., would not be served so... I was +never so used in all my born days..., I wondered he was not ashamed of +himself, so I did...," with such silly infantine moods of repulse +and complaint as I judged best adapted to express the character of +innocence, and affright. Pretending, however, to yield at length to the +vehemence of his insistence, in action and words, I sparing disclosed my +thighs, so that he could just touch the cloven inlet with the tip of his +instrument: but as he fatigued and toiled to get in, a twist of my body, +so as to receive it obliquely, not only thwarted his admission, but +giving a scream, as if he had pierced me to the heart, I shook him off +me, with such violence that he could not with all his might to it, keep +the saddle: vexed indeed at this he seemed, but not in the style of +displeasure with me for my skittishness; on the contrary, I dare swear +he held me the dearer, and hugged himself for the difficulties that even +hurt his instant pleasure. Fired, however, now beyond all bearance of +delay, he remounts, and begged of me to have patience, stroking and +soothing me to it by all the tenderest endearments and protestations +of what he would moreover do for me; at which, feigning to be somewhat +softened, and abating of the anger that I had shewn at his hurting me so +prodigiously, I suffered him to lay my thighs aside, and make way for a +new trial; but I watched the directions and management of his point so +well, that no sooner was the orifice in the least open to it, but I +gave such a timely jerk as seemed to proceed not from the evasion of his +entry, but from the pain his efforts at it put me to: a circumstance too +that I did not fail to accompany with proper gestures, sighs and cries +of complaint, of which, "that he had hurt me... he killed me... I should +die...," were the most frequent interjections. But now, after repeated +attempts, in which he had not made the least impression towards gaining +his point, at least for that time, the pleasure rose so fast upon him, +that he could not check or delay it, and in the vigour and fury +which the approaches of the height of it inspired him, he made one +fierce-thrust, that had almost put me by my guard, and lodged it so far +that I could feel the warm inspersion just within the exterior orifice, +which I had the cruelty not to let him finish there, but threw him out +again, not without a most piercing loud exclamation, as if the pain had +put me beyond all regard of being overheard. It was then easy to observe +that he was more satisfied, more highly pleased with the supposed +motives of his baulk of consummation, than he would have-been at the +full attainment of it. It was on this foot that I solved to myself all +the falsity I employed to procure him that blissful pleasure in it, +which most certainly he would not have tasted in the truth of things. +Eased, however, and relieved by one discharge, he now applied himself +to sooth, encourage, and to put me into humour and patience to bear his +next attempt, which he began to prepare and gather force for, from +all the incentives of the touch and sight which he could think of, by +examining every individual part of my whole body, which he declared +his satisfaction with, in raptures of applause, kisses universally +imprinted, and sparing no part of me, in all the eagerest wantonness +of feeling, seeing, and toying. His vigour, however, did not return so +soon, and I felt him more than once pushing at the door, but so little +in a condition to break in, that I question whether he had the power +to enter, had I held it ever so open; but this he then thought me too +little acquainted with the nature of things, to have any regret or +confusion about, and he-kept fatiguing himself and me for a long time, +before he was in any state to resume his attacks with any prospect of +success and then I breathed him so warmly, and kept him so at bay, that +before he had made any sensible progress in point of penetration, he was +deliciously sweated, and wearied out indeed: so that it was deep in +the morning before he achieved his second let-go, about half way of +entrance, I all the while crying and complaining of his prodigious +vigour, and the immensity of what I appeared to suffer splitting +up with. Tired, however, at length, with such athletic drudgery, my +champion began now to give out, and to gladly embrace the refreshment of +some rest. Kissing me then with much affection, and recommending me to +my repose, he presently fell fast asleep, which, as soon as I had well +satisfied myself of, I with much composure of body, so as not to wake +him by any motion, with much ease and safety too, played of Mrs. Cole's +device for perfecting the signs of my virginity. In each of the head +bed-posts, just above where the bedsteads are inserted into them, +there was a small drawer, so artfully adapted to the mouldings of the +timber-work, that it might have escaped even the most curious search: +which drawers were easily opened or shut by the touch of a spring, and +were fitted each with a shallow glass tumbler, full of a prepared fluid +blood, in which lay soaked, for ready use, a sponge, that required no +more than gently reaching the hand to it, taking it out and properly +squeezing between the thighs, when it yelded a great deal more of the +red liquid than would save a girl's honour; after which, replacing +it, and touching the spring, all possibility of discovery, or even of +suspicion, was taken away; and this was not the work of the fourth part +of a minute, and of which ever side one lay, the thing was equally easy +and practicable, by the double care taken to have each bed-post provided +alike. True it is, that had he waked and caught me in the act, it would +at least have covered me with shame and confusion; but them, that he did +not, was, with the precautions I took, a risk of a thousand to one in my +favour. + +At ease now, and out of all fear of any doubt or suspicion on his side, +I addressed myself in good earnest to my repose, but could obtain none; +and in about half an hour's time my gentleman waked again, and turning +towards me, I feigned a sound sleep, which he did not long respect; but +girding himself again to renew the onset, he began to kiss and caress +me, when now making as if I just waked, I complained of the disturbance, +and of the cruel pain that this little rest had stole my senses from. +Eager, however, for the pleasure, as well of consummating an entire +triumph over my virginity, he said every thing that could overcome my +resistance, and bribe my patience to the end, which now I was ready to +listen to, from being secure of the bloody proofs I had prepared of his +victorious violence, though I still thought it good policy not to let +him in yet a while. I answered then only to his importunities in sighs +and moans, "that I was so hurt, I could not bear it... I was sure he +had done me a mischief; that he had... he was such a bad man!" At this, +turning down the clothes, and viewing the field of battle by the glimmer +of a dying taper, he saw plainly my thighs, shift, and sheet, all +stained with what he readily took for a virgin effusion, proceeding from +his last half penetration: convinced, and transported at which, nothing +could equal his joy and exultation. The illusion was complete, no other +conception entered his head, but that of his having been at work upon an +unopened mine; which idea, upon so strong an evidence, redoubled at once +his tenderness for me, and his ardour for breaking it wholly up. Kissing +me then with the utmost rapture, he comforted me, and begged my pardon +for the pain he had put me to: observing withal, that it was only a +thing in course; but the worst was certainly past, and that with a +little courage and constancy, I should get it once well over, and never +after experience any thing but the greatest pleasure. By little and +little I suffered myself to be prevailed on, and giving, as it were, up +to the point of him, I made my thighs, insensibly spreading them, yield +him liberty of access, which improving, he got a little within me, when +by a well managed reception I worked the female screw so nicely, that I +kept him from the easy mid-channel direction, and by dexterous wreathing +and contortions, creating an artificial difficulty of entrance, made him +win it inch by inch, with the most laborious struggles, I all the while +sorely complaining: till at length, with might and main, winding his way +in, he got it completely home, and giving my virginity, as he thought, +the coup le grace, furnished me with the cue of setting up a terrible +outcry, whilst he, triumphant and like a cock clapping his wings over +his down-trod mistress, pursued his pleasure: which presently rose, in +virtue of this idea of a complete victory, to a pitch that made me +soon sensible of his melting period; whilst I now lay acting the deep +wounded, breathless, frightened, undone, no longer maid. + +You would ask me, perhaps, whether all this time I enjoyed any +perception of pleasure? I assure you, little or none, till just towards +the latter end, a faintish sense of it came on mechanically, from so +long a struggle and frequent fret in that ever sensible part; but, +in the first place, I had no taste for the person I was suffering the +embraces of, on a pure mercenary account; and then, I was not entirely +delighted with myself for the jade's part I was playing, whatever +excuses I might plead for my being brought into it; but then this +insensibility kept me so much the mistress of my mind and motions, that +I could the better manage so close a counterfeit, through the whole +scene of deception. + +Recovered at length to a more shew of life, by his tender condolences, +kisses and embraces, I upbraided him, and reproached him with my ruin, +in such natural terms, as added to his satisfaction with himself, for +having accomplished it; and guessing, by certain observations of mine, +that it would be rather favourable to him, to spare him, when he some +time after, feebly enough, came on again to the assault, I resolutely +withstood any further endeavours, on a pretext that flattered his +prowess, of my being so violently hurt and sore, that I could not +possibly endure a fresh trial. He then graciously granted me a respite, +and the next morning soon after advancing, I got rid of further +importunity, till Mrs. Cole, being rung for by him, came in and was made +acquainted, in terms of the utmost joy and rapture, with his triumphant +certainty of my virtue, and the finishing stroke he had given it, in the +course of the night: of which, he added, she would see proof enough in +bloody characters, on the sheets. + +You may guess how a woman of her turn of address and experience humoured +the jest, and played him off with mixed exclamations of shame, danger, +compassion for me, and of her being pleased that all was so well over: +in which last, I believe, she was certainly sincere. And now, as the +objection which she had represented as an invincible one, to me lying +the first night at his lodgings (which were studiously calculated for +freedom of intrigues), on the account of my maiden fears and terrors, at +the thought of going to a gentleman's chambers, and being alone with him +in bed, was surmounted, she pretended to persuade me, in favour to him, +that I should go there to him, whenever he pleased, and still keep up +all the necessary appearances of working with her, that I might not +lose, with my character, the prospect of getting a good husband, and +at the same time her house would be kept safer from scandal. All this +seemed so reasonable, so considerate to Mr. Norbert, that he never once +perceived that she did not want him to resort to her house, lest he +might in time discover certain inconsistencies with the character she +had set out with to him: besides that this plan greatly flattered his +own ease, and views of liberty. + +Leaving me then to my much wanted rest, he got up, and Mrs. Cole, after +settling with him all points relating to me, got him undiscovered out +of the house. After which, as I was awake, she came in, and gave me +due praises for my success. Behaving too with her usual moderation and +disinterestedness, she refused any share of the sum I had thus earned, +and put me into such a secure and easy way of disposing of my affairs, +which now amounted to a kind of little fortune, that a child of ten +years old might have kept the account and property of them safe in its +hands. + +I was now restored again to my former state of a kept mistress, and used +punctually to wait on Mr. Norbert at his chambers whenever he sent a +messenger for me, which I constantly took care to be in the way of, and +managed with so much caution, that he never once penetrated the nature +of my connections with Mrs. Cole; but indolently given up to ease and +the town dissipations, the perpetual hurry of them hindered him from +looking into his own affairs, much less to mine. + +In the mean time, if I may judge from my own experience, none are better +paid, or better treated, during their reign, than the mistress of those +who, enervate by nature, debaucheries, or age, have the least employment +for the sex: sensible that a woman must be satisfied some way, they +ply her with a thousand little tender attentions, presents, caresses, +confidences, and exhaust their inventions in means and devices to make +up for the capital deficiency; and even towards lessening that, what +arts, what modes, what refinements of pleasure have they not recourse +to, to raise their languid powers, and press nature into the service of +their sensuality? But here is their misfortune, that when by a course of +teasing, worrying, handling, wanton postures, lascivious motions, they +have at length accomplished a flashy enervate enjoyment, they at the +same time light up a flame in the object of their passion, that, not +having the means themselves to quench, drives her for relief into the +next person's arms, who can finish their work; and thus they become +bawds to some favourite, tried and approved of, for a more vigorous and +satisfactory execution; for with women, of our turn especially, however +well our hearts may be disposed, there is a controlling part, or +queen-seat in us, that governs itself by its own maxims of state, +amongst which not one is stronger, in practice with it, than, in the +matter of is dues, never to accept the will for the deed. + +Mr. Norbert, who was much in this ungracious case, though he professed +to like me extremely, could but seldom consummate the main-joy itself +with me, without such a length and variety of preparations, as were at +once wearisome and inflammatory. + +Sometimes he would strip me stark naked on a carpet, by a good fire, +when he would contemplate me almost by the hour, disposing me in all the +figures and attitudes of body that it was susceptible of being viewed in; +kissing me in every part, the most secret and critical one so far +from excepted that it received most of that branch of homage. Then +his touches were so exquisitely wanton, so luxuriously diffused +and penetrative at times, that he had made me perfectly rage with +titillating fires, when, after all, and much ado, he had gained a +short-lived erection, he would perhaps melt it away in a washy sweat, or +a premature abortive effusion, that provokingly mocked my eager desires: +or, if carried home, how faultered and unnervous the execution! how +insufficient the sprinkle of a few heat-drops to extinguish all the +flames he had kindled! + +One evening, I cannot help remembering, that returning home from him, +with a spirit he had raised in a circle his wand had proved too weak +to lay, as I turned the corner of a street, I was overtaken by a young +sailor, I was then in that spruce, neat, plain dress, which I +ever affected and perhaps might have, in my trip, a certain air of +restlessness unknown to the composure of cooler thoughts. However, he +seized me as a prize, and without farther ceremony threw his arms round +my neck, and kissed me boisterously and sweetly. I looked at him with a +beginning of anger and indignation at his rudeness, that softened away +into other sentiments as I viewed him: for he was tall, manly carriaged, +handsome of body and face, so that I ended my stare, with asking him, +in a tone turned to tenderness, what he meant; at which, with the same +frankness and vivacity as he had begun with me, he proposed treating me +with a glass of wine. Now, certain it is, that had I been in a calmer +state of blood than I was, had I not been under the dominion of +unappeased irritation; but I do not know how it was, my pressing calls, +his figure, the occasion, and if you will, the powerful combination of +all these, with a start of curiosity to see the end of an adventure, so +novel too as being treated like a common street-plyer, made me give +a silent consent; in short, it was not my head that I now obeyed, I +suffered myself to be towed along as it were by this man-of-war, +who took me under his arm as familialry as if he had known me all his +lifetime, and led me into the next convenient tavern, where we were +shown into a little room on one side of the passage. Here, scarce +allowing himself patient till the drawer brought in the wine called +for, he fell directly on board me: when, untucking my handkerchief, and +giving me a snatching buss, he laid my breasts bare at once, which he +handled with that keenness of gust that abridges a ceremonial evermore +tiresome than pleasing on such pressing occasions; and now, hurrying +towards the main point, we found no conveniency to our purpose, two +or three disabled chairs, and a rickety table, composing the whole +furniture of the room. Without more ado, he plans me with my back +standing against the wall, and my petticoats up; and coming out with +a splitter indeed, made it shine, as he brandished it, in my eyes; and +going to work with an impetuosity and eagerness, bred very likely by +a long fast at seat, went to give me a taste of it. I straddled, I +humoured my posture, and did my best in short to buckle to it; I took +part of it in, but still things did not go to his thorough liking; +changing them in a trice his system of battery, he leads me to the table +and with a master-hand lays my head down on the edge of it, and, with +the other canting up my petticoats and shift, bares my naked posteriors +to his blind and furious guide; it forces its way between them, and I +feeling pretty sensibly that it was not going by the right door, and +knocking desperately at the wrong one, I told him of it:--"Pooh!" says +he, "my dear, any port in a storm." Altering, however, directly his +course, and lowering his point, he fixed it right, and driving it up +with a delicious stiffness, made all foam again, and gave me the tout +with such fire and spirit, that in the fine disposition I was in when I +submitted to him and stirred up so fiercely as I was, I got the start of +him, and went away into the melting swoon, and squeezing him, whilst in +the convulsive grasp of it, drew from him such a plenteous bedewal, as +pointed to my own effusion, perfectly floated those parts, and drowned +in a deluge all my raging conflagration of desire. + +When this was over, how to make my retreat was my concern; for, though +I had been so extremely pleased with the difficult between this warm +broadside, poured so briskly into me, and the tiresome pawing and toying +to which I had owed the unappeased flames that had driven me into this +step, now I was cooler, I began to apprehend the danger of contracting +an acquaintance with this, however agreeable stranger; who, on his side, +spoke of passing the evening with me and continuing our intimacy, with +an air of determination that made me afraid of its being not so easy +to get away from him as I could wish. In the mean time I carefully +concealed my uneasiness, and readily pretended to consent to stay with +him, telling him I should only step to my lodgings to leave a necessary +direction, and then instantly return. This he very glibly swallowed, on +the notion of my being one of those unhappy street-errants, who devote +themselves to the pleasure of the first ruffian that will stoop to pick +them up, and of course, that I would scarce bilk myself of the hire, +by not returning make the most of the job. Thus he parted with me, not +before, however, he had ordered in my hearing a supper, which I had the +barbarity to disappoint him of my company too. + +But when I got home, and told Mrs. Cole my adventure, she represented +so strongly to me the nature and dangerous consequences of my folly, +particularly the risks to my health, in being so openlegged and free, +that I not only took resolutions never to venture so rashly again, +which I inviolably preserved, but passed a good many days in continual +uneasiness, lest I should have met with other reasons, besides the +pleasure of that rencounter, to remember it; but these fears wronged my +pretty sailor, for which I gladly make him this reparation. + +I had now lived with Mr. Norbert near a quarter of a year, in which +space I circulated my time very pleasantly, between my amusements at +Mrs. Cole's, and a proper attendance on that gentleman, who paid me +profusely for the unlimited complaisance with which I passively humoured +every caprice of pleasure, and which had won upon him so greatly, that +finding, as he said, all that variety in me alone, which he had sought +for in a number of women, I had made him lose his taste for inconstancy, +and new faces. But what was yet at least agreeable, as well as more +nattering, the love I had inspired him with, bred a deference to me, +that was of great service to his health: for having by degrees, and with +much pathetic representations brought him to some husbandry of it, and +to insure the duration of his pleasures by moderating their use, and +correcting those excesses in them he was so addicted to, and which had +shattered his constitution and destroyed his powers of life in the very +point for which he seemed desirous to live, he was grown more delicate, +more temperate, and in course more healthy; his gratitude for which was +taking a turn very favourable for my fortune, when once more the caprice +of it dashed the cup from my lips. + +His sister, lady L..., for whom he had a great affection, desiring him +to accompany her down to Bath for her health, he could not refuse her +such a favour; and accordingly, though he counted on staying away from +me no more than a week at farthest, he took his leave of me with an +ominous heaviness of heart, and left me a sum far above the state of +his fortune, and very inconsistent with the intended shortness of his +journey; but it ended in the longest that can be, and is never but once +taken: for, arrived at Bath, he was not there two days before he fell +into a debauch of drinking with some gentlemen, that threw him into a +high fever, and carried him off in four days' time, never once out of +a delirium. Had he been in his senses to make a will, perhaps he might +have made favourable mention of me in it. Thus, however, I lost him; and +as no condition of life is more subject to revolutions than that of +a woman of pleasure, I soon recovered my cheerfulness, and now beheld +myself once more struck off the list of kept mistresses, and returned +into the bosom of the community, from which I had been in some manner +taken. + +Mrs. Cole still continued her friendship, and offered me her assistance +and advice towards another choice; but I was now in ease and affluence +enough to look about me at leisure; and as to any constitutional calls +of pleasure, their pressure, or sensibility, was greatly lessened by a +consciousness of the east with which they were to be satisfied at Mrs. +Cole's house, where Louisa and Emily still continued in the old way; and +my great favourite Harriet used often to come and see me, and entertain +me, with her head and heart full of the happiness she enjoyed with +her dear baronet, whom she loved with a tenderness and constancy, +even though he was her keeper, and what is yet more, had made her +independent, by a handsome provision for her and hers. I was then in +this vacancy from any regular employ of my person in my way of business, +when one day, Mrs. Cole, in the course of the constant confidence we +lived in, acquainted me that there was one Mr. Barville, who used her +house, just come to town, whom she was not a little perplexed about +providing a suitable companion for; which was indeed a point of +difficulty, as he was under the tyranny of a cruel taste: that of an +ardent desire, not only of being unmercifully whipped himself, but of +whipping others, in such sort, that though he paid extravagantly those +who had the courage and complaisance to submit to his humour, there +were few, delicate as he was in the choice of his subjects, who would +exchange turns with him so terribly at the expense of their skin. But, +what yet increased the oddity of this strange fancy was the gentleman +being young; whereas it generally attacks, it seems, such as are, +through age, obliged to have recourse to this experiment, for quickening +the circulation of their sluggish juices, and determining a conflux of +the spirits of pleasure towards those flagging shrivelly parts, that +rise to life only by virtue of those titillating ardours created by +the discipline of their opposites, with which they have so surprising a +consent. + +This Mrs. Cole could not well acquaint me with, in any expectation of +my offering for service: for, sufficiently easy as I was in my +circumstances, it must have been the temptation of an immense interest +indeed, that could have induced me to embrace such a job, neither had I +ever expressed, nor indeed, felt the least impulse or curiosity to know +more of a taste, that promised so much more pain than pleasure to those +that stood in no need of such violent goads: what then should move me +to subscribe myself voluntarily to a party of pain, foreknowing it such? +Why, to tell the plain truth, it was a sudden caprice, a gust of fancy +for trying a new experiment, mixed with the vanity of approving my +personal courage to Mrs. Cole, that determined me, at all risks, +to propose myself to her and relieve her from any farther lookout. +Accordingly, I at once pleased and surprised her, with a frank and +unreserved tender of my person to her and her friend's absolute disposal +on this occasion. + +My good temporal mother was, however, so kind as to use all the +arguments she could imagine to dissuade me: but, as I found they only +turned on a motive of tenderness to me, I persisted in my resolution, +and thereby acquitted my offer of any suspicion of its not having been +sincerely made, or out of compliment only. Acquiescing then thankfully +in it, Mrs. Cole assured me "that bating the pain I should be put to, +she had no scruple to engage me to this party, which she assured me I +should be liberally paid for, and which, the secrecy of the transaction +preserved safe from the ridicule that otherwise vulgarly attended it; +that for her part, she considered pleasure, of one sort or other, as the +universal port of destination, and every wind that blew thither a good +one, provided it blew nobody any harm; that she rather compassionated, +than blamed those unhappy persons, who are under a subjection they +cannot shake off, to those arbitrary tastes that rule their appetites +of pleasures with an unaccountable control: tastes too, as infinitely +diversified, as superior to, and independent of all reasoning as the +different relishes or palates of mankind in their viands, some +delicate stomach nauseating plain meats, and finding no savour but in +highseasoned, luxurious dishes, whilst others again pique themselves +upon detesting them." + +I stood now in no need of this preamble of encouragement, or +justification: my word was given, and I was determined to fulfill my +engagements. Accordingly the night was set, and I had all the necessary +previous instructions how to act and conduct myself. The dining room was +duly prepared and lighted up, and the young; gentleman posted there in +waiting, for my introduction to him. + +I was then, by Mrs. Cole, brought in, and presented to him, in a loose +dishabille fitted, by her direction, to the exercise I was to go +through, all in the finest linen and a thorough white uniform: +gown, petticoat, stocking, and satin slippers, like a victim led to +sacrifice; whilst my dark auburn hair, falling in drop-curls over my +neck, created a pleasing distinction of colour from the rest of my +dress. + +As soon as Mr. Barville saw me, he got up, with a visible air of +pleasure and surprise, and saluting me, asked Mrs. Cole, if so fine +and delicate a creature would voluntarily submit to such sufferings +and rigours, as were the subject of his assignation. She answered him +properly, and now, reading in his eyes that she could not too soon leave +us together, she went out, after recommending to him to use moderation +with so tender a novice. + +But whilst she was employing his attention, mine had been taken up with +examining the figure and person of this unhappy young gentleman, who was +thus unaccountably condemned to have his pleasure lashed into him, as +boys have their learning. + +He was exceedingly fair, and, smooth complexioned, and appeared to me no +more than twenty at most, though he was three years older than what +my conjectures gave him; but then he owed this favourable mistake to +a habit of fatness, which spread through a short, squab stature; and +a round, plump, fresh coloured face gave him greatly the look of +a Bacchus, had not an air of austerity, not to say sternness, very +unsuitable even to his shape of face, dashed that character of joy, +necessary to complete the resemblance. His dress was extremely neat, but +plain, and far inferior to the ample fortune he was in full possession +of; this too was a taste in him, and not avarice. + +As soon as Mrs. Cole was gone, he seated me near him, when now his face +changed upon me, into an expression of the most pleasing sweetness and +good humour, the most remarkable for its sudden shift from the other +extreme, which I found afterwards, when I knew more of his character, +was owing to a habitual state of conflict with, and dislike of +himself, for being enslaved to so peculiar a lust, by the fatality of a +constitutional ascendant, that rendered him incapable of receiving any +pleasure, till he submitted to these extraordinary means of procuring +it at the hands of pain, whilst the constancy of this repining +consciousness stamped at length that cast of sourness and severity on +his features: which was, in fact, very foreign to the natural sweetness +of his temper. + +After a competent preparation by apologies, and encouragement to go +through my part with spirit and constancy, he stood up near the fire, +whilst I went to fetch the instruments of discipline out of a closet +hard by: these were several rods, made each of two or three strong twigs +of birch tied together, which he took, handled, and viewed with as much +pleasure, as I did with a kind of shuddering presage. + +Next we took from the side of the room a long broad bench, made easy to +lie at length on by a soft cushion in a callico-cover; and everything +being now ready, he took his coat and waistcoat off; and at his motion +and desire, I unbuttoned his breeches, and rolling up his shirt rather +above his waist, tucked it on securely there; when directing naturally +my eyes to that humoursone master-movement, in whose favaur all these +dispositions were making, it seemed almost shrunk into his body, scarce +showing its tip above the sprout of hairy curls that clothed those +parts, as you may have-seen a wren peeping its head out of the grass. + +Stooping them to untie his garters, he gave them to me for the use +of tying him down to the legs of the bench: a circumstance no farther +necessary than, as I suppose, it made part of the humour of the thing, +since he prescribed it to himself, amongst the rest of the ceremonial. + +I led him then to the bench, and according to my cue, played at forcing +him to lie down: which, after-some little show of reluctance, for +form-sake, he submitted to; he was straightway extended flat upon his: +belly, on the bench, with a pillow under his face; and as he thus tamely +lay, I tied him slightly hand and feet, to the legs of it; which done, +his shirt remaining-trussed up over the small of his back, I drew his +breeches quite down to his knees; and now he lay, in all the fairest, +broadest display of that part of the back-view; in which a pair of +chubby, smooth-cheeked and passing white posteriors rose cushioning +upwards from two stout, fleshful thighs, and ending their cleft, or +separation by an union at the small of the back, presented a bold mark, +that swelled, as it were, to meet the scourge. + +Seizing now one of the rods, I stood over him, and according to his +direction, gave him in one breath, ten lashes with much good-will, and +the utmost nerve and vigour of arm that I could put to them, so as to +make those fleshy orbs quiver again under them; whilst he himself seemed +no more concerned, or to mind them, than a lobster would a flea-bite. In +the mean time, I view intently the effect of them, which to me at last +appeared surprisingly cruel: every lash had skimmed the surface of those +white cliffs, which they deeply reddened, and lapping round the side +of the furthermost from me, cut specially, into the dimple of it, such +livid weals, as the blood either spun out from, or stood in large drops +on; and, from some of the cuts, I picked out even the splinters of the +rod that had stuck in the skin. Nor was this raw work to be wondered +at, considering the greenness of the twigs and the severity of the +infliction, whilst the whole surface of the skin was so smooth-stretched +over the hard and firm pulp of flesh that filled it, as to yield no +play, or elusive swagging under the stroke: which thereby took place the +more plump, and cut into the quick. + +I was however already so moved at the piteous sight, that I from my +heart repented the undertaking, and would willing had given over, +thinking he had full enough; but, he encouraging and beseeching me +earnestly to proceed, I gave him ten more lashes; and then resting, +surveyed the increase of bloody appearances. And at length, steeled to +the height, by his stoutness in suffering, I continued the discipline, +by intervals, till I observed him wreathing and twisting his body, in +a way that I could plainly perceive was not the effect of pain, but of +some new and powerful sensation: curious to dive into the meaning of +which, in one of my pauses of intermission, I approached, as he still +kept working, and grinding his belly against the cushion under him: and +first stroking the untouched and unhurt side of the flesh-mount next me, +then softly insinuating my hand under his thigh, felt the posture things +were in forwards, which was indeed surprising: for that machine of him, +which I had, by its appearance, taken for an impalpable, or at least a +very diminutive subject, was now, in virtue of all that smart and +havoc of his skin behind, grown not only to a prodigious stiffness of +erection, but to a size that frighted even me: a non-pareil thickness +indeed! the head of it alone filled the utmost capacity of my grasp. +And when, as he heaved and wriggled to and fro, in the agitation of his +strange pleasure, it came into view, it had something of the air of a +round fillet of veal, and like its owner, squab, and short in proportion +to its breadth; but when he felt my hand there, he begged I would go on +briskly with my jerking, or he should never arrive at the last stage of +pleasure. + +Resuming then the rode and the exercise of it, I had fairly worn out +three bundles, when, after an increase of struggles and motion, and a +deep sigh or two, I saw him lie still and motionless; and now he desired +me to desist, which I instantly did; and proceeding to untie him, I +could not but be amazed at his passive fortitude, on viewing the skin of +his butchered, mangled posteriors, late so white, smooth and polished, +now all one side of them a confused cut-work of weals, livid flesh, +gashes and gore, insomuch that when he stood up, he could scarce walk; +in short, he was in sweet-briars. + +Then I plainly perceived, on the cushion, the marks of a plenteous +effusion, and already had his sluggard member run up to its old +nestling-place, and enforced itself again, as if ashamed to shew its +head; which nothing, it seems, could raise but stripes inflicted on its +opposite neighbours, who were thus constantly obliged to suffer for his +caprice. + +My gentleman had now put on his clothes and recomposed himself, when +giving me a kiss, and placing me by him, he sat himself down as gingerly +as possible, with one side off the cushion, which was too sore for him +to bear resting any part of his weight on. + +Here he thanked me for the extreme pleasure I had procured him, and +seeing, perhaps, some marks in my countenance of terror and apprehension +of retaliation on my own skin, for what I had been the instrument of +his suffering in his, he assured me, "he was ready to give up to me any +engagement I might deem myself under to stand him, as he had done me, +but that if I proceeding in my consent to it, he would consider the +difference of my sex, its greater delicacy and incapacity to undergo +pain." Reheartened at which, and piqued in honour, as I thought, not +to flinch so near the trial, especially as I well knew Mrs. Cole was an +eye-witness, from her stand of espial, to the whole of our transaction, +I was now less afraid of my skin, than of his not furnishing me with an +opportunity of signalizing my resolution. + +Consonant to this disposition was my answer, but my courage was still +more in my head, than in my heart; and as cowards rush into danger they +fear, in order to be the sooner rid of the pain of that sensation, I +was entirely pleased with his hastening matters into execution. + +He had then little to do, but to unloose the strings of my petticoats, +and lift them, together with my shift, navel-high, where he just tucked +them up loosely, and might be slipt up higher at pleasure. Then viewing +me round with great seeming delight, he laid me at length on my face +upon the bench, and when I expected he would tie me, as I had done him, +and held out my hands, not without fear and a little trembling, he +told me, "he would by no means terrify me unnecessarily with such a +confinement; for that though he meant to put my constancy to a trial, +the standing it was to be completely voluntary on my side, and therefore +I might be at full liberty to get up whenever I found the pain too much +for me." You cannot imagine how much I thought myself bound, by being +thus allowed to remain loose, and how much spirit this confidence in +me gave me, so that I was even from my heart careless how much my flesh +might suffer in honour of it. + +All my back parts, naked half way up, were now fully at his mercy: and +first, he stood at a convenient distance, delighting himself with a +gloating survey of the attitude I lay in, and of all the secret stores I +thus exposed to him in fair display. Then, springing eagerly towards me, +he covered all those naked parts with a fond profusion of kisses; +and now, taking hold of the rod, rather wantoned with me, in gentle +inflictions on those tender trembling masses of my flesh behind, than in +any way hurt them, till by degrees, he began to tingle them with smarter +lashes, so as to provoke a red colour into them, which I knew, as +well by the flagrant glow I felt there, as by his telling me, they now +emulated the native roses of my other cheeks. When he had thus amused +himself with admiring, and toying with them, he went on to strike +harder, and more hard, so that I needed all my patience not to cry out, +or complain at least. At last, he twigged me so smartly as to fetch +blood in more than one lash: at sight of which he flung down the rod, +flew to me, kissed away the starting drops, and sucking the wounds eased +a good deal of my pain. But now raising me on my knees, and making me +kneel with them straddling wide, that tender part of me, naturally the +province of pleasure, not of pain, came in for its share of suffering: +for now, eyeing it wistfully, he directed the rod so that the sharp ends +of the twigs lighted there, so sensibly, that I could not help wincing, +and writhing my limbs with smart; so that my contortions of body must +necessarily throw it into infinite variety of postures and points of +view, fit to feast the luxury of the eye. But still I bore every thing +without crying out: when presently giving me another pause, he rushed, +as it were, on that part whose lips, and round about, had felt this +cruelty, and by way of reparation, glued his own to them; then he +opened, shut, squeezed them, plucked softly the overgrowing moss, and +all this in a style of wild passionate rapture and enthusiasm, that +expressed excess of pleasure; till betaking himself to the rod again, +encouraged by my passiveness, and infuriated with this strange taste of +delight, he made my poor posteriors pay for the ungovernableness of it; +for now showing them no quarter, the traitor cut me so, that I wanted +but little of fainting away, when he gave over. And yet I did not utter +one groan, or angry expostulation; but in my heart I resolved nothing so +seriously, as never to expose myself again to the like severities. + +You may guess then in what a curious pickle those soft flesh-cushions of +mine were, all so red, raw, and in fine, terribly clawed off; but so far +from feeling any pleasure in it, that the recent smart made me pout +a little, and not with the greatest air of satisfaction receive the +compliments, and after-caresses of the author of my pain. + +As soon as my clothes were huddled on in a little decency, a supper was +brought in by the discreet Mrs. Cole herself, which might have piqued +the sensuality of a cardinal, accompanied with a choice of the richest +wines: all which she set before us, and went out again, without having, +by a word or even by a smile, given us the least interruption or +confusion, in those moments of secrecy, that we were not yet ripe to the +admission of a third too. + +I sat down then, still scarce in charity with my butcher, for such I +could not help considering him, and was moreover not a little piqued +at the gay, satisfied air of his countenance, which I thought myself +insulted by. But when the now necessary refreshment to me of a glass of +wine, and a little eating (all the time observing a profound silence) +had somewhat cheered and restored me to spirits, and as the smart began +to go off, my good humour returned accordingly: which alteration not +escaping him, he said and did every thing that could confirm me in, and +indeed exalt it. + +But scarce was supper well over, before a change so incredible was +wrought in me, such violent, yet pleasingly irksome sensations took +possession of me that I scarce knew how to contain myself; the smart +of the lashes was now converted into such a prickly heat, such fiery +tinglings, as made me sigh, squeeze my thighs together, shift and +wriggle about my seat, with a furious restlessness; whilst these itching +ardours, thus excited in those parts on which the storm of discipline +had principally fallen, detached legions of burning, subtile, +stimulating spirits, to their opposite spot and centre of assemblage, +where their titillation raged so furiously, that I was even stinging +made with them. No wonder then that in such a taking, and devoured by +flames that licked up all modesty and reserve, my eyes, now charged +brimful of the most intense desire, fired on my companion very +intelligible signal of distress: my companion, I say, who grew in them +every instant more amiable, and more necessary to my urgent wishes and +hopes of immediate ease. + +Mr. Barville, no stranger, by experience, to these situations, soon knew +the pass I was brought to soon perceived my extreme disorder; in favour +of which, removing the table out of the way, he began a prelude that +flattered me with instant relief, to which I was not, however, so near +as I imagined: for as he was unbuttoned to me, and tried to provoke and +rouse to action his unactive torpid machine, he blushingly owned that no +good was to be expected from it, unless I took it in hand to re-excite +its languid loitering powers, by just refreshing the smart of the yet +recent blood-raw cuts, seeing it could, no more than a boy's top, keep +up without lashing. Sensible then that I should work as much for my own +profit as his, I hurried my compliance with his desire, and abridging +the ceremonial, whilst he leaned his head against the back of a chair, I +had scarce gently made him feel the lash, before I saw the object of my +wishes give signs of life, and presently, as it were with a magic touch, +is started up into a noble size and distinction indeed. Hastening then +to give me the benefit of it, he threw me down on the bench; but such +was the refreshed soreness of those parts behind, on my leaning so hard +on them, as became me to compass the admission of that stupendous head +of his machine, that I could not possibly bear it. I got up then, and +tried, by leaning forwards, and turning the crupper on my assailant, to +let him at the back avenue: but here it was likewise impossible to stand +his bearing so fiercely against me, in his agitations and endeavours to +enter that way, whilst his belly battered directly against the recent +sore. What should we do now? both intolerably heated: both in a fury; +but pleasure is ever inventive for its own ends: he strips me in a trice +stark naked, and placing a broad settee-cushion on the carpet before the +fire, oversets me gently, topsy turvy, on it; and handling me only +at the waist, whilst you may be sure I favoured all my dispositions, +brought my legs round his neck; so that my head was kept from the floor +only by my hands and the velvet cushion, which was now bespread with +my flowing hair: thus I stood on my head and hands, supported by him in +such manner, that whilst my thighs clung round him, so as to expose +to his sight all my back figure, including the theatre of his bloody +pleasure, the centre of my fore pair fairly bearded the ob-jest of its +rage, that now stood in fine condition to give me satisfaction for the +injuries of its neighbours. But as this posture was certainly not the +easiest, and our imaginations, wound up to the height, could suffer no +delay, he first, with the utmost eagerness and effort, just lip-lodged +that broad acorn-fashioned head of his instrument; and still befriended +by the fury with which he had made that impression, he soon stuffed +in the rest; when now, with a pursuit of thrusts, fiercely urged, he +absolutely overpowered and absorbed all sense of pain and uneasiness, +whether from my wounds behind, my most untoward posture, or the oversize +of his stretcher, in an infinitely predominant delight; when now all +my whole spirits of life and sensation rushing, impetuously to +the cock-pit, where the prize of pleasure was hotly in dispute and +clustering to a point there, I soon received the dear relief of nature +from these over-violent strains and provocations of it; harmonizing with +which, my gallant spouted into me such a potent overflow of the balsamic +injection, as softened and unedged all those irritating stings of a new +species of titillation, which I had been so intolerably maddened with, +and restored the ferment of my senses to some degree of composure. + +I had now achieved this rare adventure ultimately much more to my +satisfaction than I had bespoken the nature of it to turn out; nor +was it much lessened, you may think, by spark's lavish praises of my +constancy and complaisance, which he gave weight to by a present that +greatly surpassed my utmost expectation, besides his gratification to +Mrs. Cole. + +I was not, however, at any time re-enticed to renew with him, or resort +again to the violent expedient of lashing nature into more haste than +good speed: which, by the way, I conceive acts somewhat in the manner +of a dose of Spanish flies; with more pain perhaps, but less danger; +and might be necessary to him, but was nothing less so than to me, whose +appetite wanted the bridle more than the spur. + +Mrs. Cole, to whom this adventurous exploit had more and more endeared +me, looked on me now as a girl after her own heart, afraid of nothing, +and, on a good account, hardly enough to fight all the weapons of +pleasure through. Attentive then, in consequence of these favourable +conceptions, to promote either my profit or pleasure, she had special +regard for the first, in a new gallant of a very singular turn, that she +procured for and introduced to me. + +This was a grave staid, solemn, elderly gentleman, whose peculiar humour +was a delight in combing fine tresses of hair; and as I was perfectly +headed to his taste, he used to come constantly at my toilet hours, when +I let down my hair as loose as nature, and abandoned it to him to do +what he pleased with it; and accordingly he would keep me an hour or +more in play with it, drawing the comb through it, winding the curls +round his fingers, even kissing it as he smoothed it; and all this led +to no other use of my person, or any other liberties whatever, any more +than if a distinction of sexes had not existed. + +Another peculiarity of taste he had, which was to present me with a +dozen pairs of the whitest kid gloves at a time: these he would divert +himself with drawing on me, and then biting off their finger ends; +all which fooleries of a silly appetite, the old gentleman paid more +liberally for, than most others did for more essential favours. This +lasted till a violent cough, seizing and laying him up, delivered me +from this most innocent and insipid trifler, for I never heard more of +him after his first retreat. + +You may be sure a by-jod of this sort interfered with no other pursuit, +or plan of life; which I led, in truth, with a modesty and reserve +that was less the work of virtue than of exhausted novelty, a glut +of pleasure, and easy circumstances, that made me indifferent to any +engagements in which pleasure and profit were not eminently united; and +such I could, with the less impatience, wait for at the hands of time +and fortune, as I was satisfied I could never mend my pennyworths, +having evidently been served at the top of the market, and even +been pampered with dainties: besides that, in the sacrifice of a few +momentary impulses, I found a secret satisfaction in respecting myself, +as well as preserving the life and freshness of my complexion. Louisa +and Emily did not carry indeed their reserve so high as I did; but still +they were far from cheap or abandoned, though two of their adventures +seemed to contradict this general character, which, for their +singularity, I shall give you in course, beginning first with Emily's: + +Louisa and she went one night to a ball, the first in the habit of a +shepherdess, Emily in that of a shepherd: I saw them in their dresses +before they went, and nothing in nature could represent a prettier +boy than this last did, being so fair and well limbed. They had kept +together for some time, when Louisa, meeting an old acquaintance of +hers, very cordially gives her companion the slip, and leaves her +under the protection of her boy's habit, which was not much, and of +her discretion, which was, it seems, still less. Emily, finding herself +deserted, sauntered thoughtless about a while, and, as much for coolness +and air as any thing else, at length pulled off her mask and went to the +sideboard; where, eyed and marked out by a gentleman in a very handsome +domino, she was accosted by, and fell into chat with him. The domino, +after a little discourse, in which Emily doubtless distinguished her +good nature and easiness more than her wit, began to make violent love +to her, and drawing her insensibly to some benches at the lower end of +the masquerade room, got her to sit by him, where he squeezed her hands, +pinched her cheeks, praised and played with her fine hair, admired +her complexion, and all in a style of courtship dashed with a certain +oddity, that not comprehending the mystery of, poor Emily attributed to +his falling in with the humour of her disguise; and being naturally not +the cruellest of her profession, began to incline to a parley on those +essentials. But here was the stress of the joke: he took her really +for what she appeared to be, a smock-faced boy; and she, forgetting her +dress, and of course ranging quite wide of his ideas, took all those +address to be paid to herself as a woman, which she precisely owed to +his not thinking her one. However, this double error was pushed to +such a height on both sides, that Emily, who saw nothing in him but a +gentleman of distinction by those points of dress to which his disguise +did not extend, warmed too by the wine he had plyed her with, and the +caresses he had lavished upon her, suffered herself to be persuaded to +go to a bagnio with him; and thus, losing sight of Mrs. Cole's cautions, +with a blind confidence, put herself into his hands, to be carried +wherever he pleased. For his part, equally blinded by his wishes, whilst +here gregious simplicity favoured his deception more than the most +exquisite art could have done, he supposed, no doubt, that he had +lighted on some soft simpleton, fit for his; purpose, or some kept +minion broken to his hand, who understood him perfectly well, and +entered into his designs. But, be that as it would, he led her to +a coach, went into it with her, and brought her to a very handsome +apartment, with a bed in it; but whether it was a bagnio or not, she +could not tell, having spoken to nobody but himself. But when they were +alone together, and her inamorato began to proceed to those extremities +which instantly discover the sex, she remarked, that no description +could paint up to the life, the mixture of pique, confusion and +disappointment, that appeared in his countenance, joined to the mournful +exclamation: "By heavens, a woman!" This at once opened her eyes, which +had been shut in downright stupidity. However, as if he had meant to +retrieve that escape, he still continued to toy with and fondle her, +but with so staring an alteration from extreme warmth into a chill and +forced civility, that even Emily herself could not but take notice +of it, and now began to wish she had paid more regard to Mrs. Cole's +premonitions against ever engaging with a stranger. And now an excess of +timidity succeeded to an excess of confidence, and she thought herself +so much at his mercy and discretion, that she stood passive throughout +the whole progress of his prelude: for now, whether the impressions +of so great a beauty had even made him forgive her sex, or whether her +appearance or figure in that dress still humoured his first illusion, he +recovered by degrees a good part of his first warmth, and keeping Emily +with her breeches still unbuttoned, stript them down to her knees, and +gently impelling her to lean down, with her face against the bed-side, +placed her so, that the double way, between the double rising behind, +presented the choice fair to him, and he was so fairly set on a +mis-direction, as to give the girl no small alarms for fear of losing +a maidenhead she had not dreamt of. However, her complaints, and a +resistance, gentle, but firm, checked and brought him to himself again; +so that turning his steed's head, he drove him at length in the right +road, in which his imagination having probably made the most of those +resemblances that flattered his taste, he got, with much ado, to his +journey's end: after which, he led her out himself, and walking with her +two or three streets length, got her a chair, when making her a present +not any thing inferior to what she could have expected, he left her, +well recommended to the chairmen, who, on her directions, brought her +home. + +This she related to Mrs. Cole and me the same morning, not without the +visible remains of the fear and confusion she had been in, still stamped +on her countenance. Mrs. Cole's remark was, that her indiscretion +proceeding from a constitutional facility, there were little hopes of +any thing curing her of it, but repeated severe experience. Mine was, +that I could not conceive how it was possible for mankind to run into +a taste, not only universally odious, but absurd, and impossible to +gratify; since, according to the notions and experience I had of things, +it was not in nature to force such immense disproportions. Mrs. Cole +only smiled at my ignorance, and said nothing towards my undeception, +which was not affected but by ocular demonstration, some months after, +which a most singular accident furnished me, and which I will here set +down, that I may not return again to so disagreeable a subject. + +I had, on a visit intended to Harriet, who had taken lodgings at +Hampton-court, hired a chariot to go out thither, Mrs. Cole having, +promised to accompany me; but some indispensable business intervening, +to detain her, I was obliged to set out alone; and scarce had I got a +third of my way, before the axle-tree broke down, and I was well off to +get out, safe and unhurt, into a public-house, of a tolerable handsome +appearance, on the road. Here the people told me that the stage would +come by in a couple of hours at farthest, upon; which, determining to +wait for it, sooner than lose the jaunt I had got so far forward on, I +was carried into a very clean decent room, up one pair of stairs, which +I took possession of for the time I had to stay, in right of calling for +sufficient to do the house justice. + +Here, whilst I was amusing myself with looking out of the window, a +single horse-chaise stopt at the door, out of which lightly leaped two +young' gentlemen, for so they seemed, who came in only as it were to +bait and refresh a little, for they gave their horse to be held! in +readiness against they came out. And presently I heard the door of the +next room, where they were let in, and called about them briskly; and as +soon as they were served, I could just hear that they shut and fastened +the door on the inside. + +A spirit of curiosity, far from sudden, since I do not know when I was +without it, prompted me, without any particular suspicion, or other +drift or view, to see what they were, and examine their persons and +behaviour. The partition of our rooms was one of those moveable ones +that, when taken down, served occasionally to lay them into one, for the +conveniency of as larger company; and now, my nicest search could not +shew me the shadow of a peep-hole, a circumstance which probably had not +escaped the review of the parties on the other side, whom much it stood +upon not to be deceived in it; but at length I observed a paper patch of +the same colour as the wainscot, which I took to conceal some flaw; but +then it was so high, that I was obliged to stand upon a chair to reach +it, which I did as soft as possible, and, with a point of a bodkin, soon +pierced it, and opened myself espial room sufficient. And now, applying +my eye close, I commanded the room perfectly, and could see my two +young sparks romping and pulling one another about, entirely, to my +imagination, in frolic and innocent play. + +The eldes might be, on my nearest guess, towards nineteen, a tall comely +young man, in a white fustian frock, with a green velvet cape, and cut +bob-wig. + +The youngest could not be above seventeen, fair, ruddy, completely well +made, and to say the truth, a sweet pretty stripling: he was too, I +fancy, a country lad, by his dress, which was a green plush frock, and +breeches of the same, white waistcoat and stockings, a jockey cap, with +his fellowish hair, long and loose, in natural curls. + +But after a look of circumspection, which I saw the eldest cast every +way round the room, probably in too much hurry and heat not to overlook +the very small opening I was posted at, especially at the height it +was, whilst my eye close to it kept the light from shining through and +betraying it, he said something to his companion that presently changed +the face of things. + +For now the elder began to embrace, to press and kiss the younger, to +put his hands into his bosom, and give him such manifest signs of +an amorous intention, as made me conclude the other to be a girl in +disguise: a mistake that nature kept me in countenance for, for she had +certainly made one, when she gave him the made stamp. + +In the rashness then of their age, and bent as they were to accomplish +their project of preposterous pleasure, at the risk of the very worst of +consequences, where a discovery was nothing less than improbable, they +now proceeded to such lengths as soon satisfied me what they were. + +For presently the eldest unbuttoned the other's breeches, and removing +the linen barrier, brought out to view a white shaft, middle sized, and +scarce fledged, when after handling and playing with it a little, with +other dalliance, all received by the boy without other opposition than +certain wayward coyness, ten times-more alluring than repulsive, he got +him so turned round, with his face from him, to a chair that stood hard +by; when knowing, I suppose, his office, the Ganymede now obsequiously +leaned his head against the back of it, and projecting his body, made a +fair mark, still covered with his shirt. As he thus stood in a side view +to me, but fronting his companion, who, presently unmasking his battery, +produced an engine that certainly deserved to be put to a better use, +and very fit to confirm me in my disbelief of the possibility of +things; being pushed to odious extremities, which I had built on the +disproportion of parts; but this disbelief I was now cured of, as by my +consent all young men should likewise be, that their innocence may not +be betrayed into such snares, for want of knowing the extent of their +danger: for nothing is more certain than that ignorance of advice is by +no means a guard against it. + +Slipping, then, aside the young lad's shirt, and tucking it up under +his clothes behind, he shewed to the open air those globular fleshy +eminences that compose the Mount Peasants of Rome, and which now, with +all the narrow vale that intersects them, stood displayed and exposed +to his attack; nor could I without a shudder behold the dispositions he +made for it. First, then, moistening well with spittle his instrument, +obviously to make it glib, he pointed, he introduced it, as I could +plainly discern, not only from its direction and my losing sight of it, +but by the writhing, twisting and soft murmured complaints of the young +sufferer; but at length, the first straits of entrance being pretty well +go through, every thing seemed to move and go pretty currently on, as on +a carpet road, without much rub or resistance; and now, passing one hand +round his minions' hips, he got hold of his red-topped ivory toy, +that stood perfectly stiff, and shewed, that if he was like his mother +behind, he was like his father before; this he diverted himself with, +whilst, with the other he wantoned with his hair, and leaning forward +over his back, drew his face, from which the boy shook the loose curls +that fell over it, in the posture he stood him in, and brought him +towards his, so as to receive a long breathed kiss; after which, +renewing his driving, and thus continuing to harass his rear, the height +of the fist came on with its usual symptoms, and dismissed the action. + +The criminal scene they acted, I had the patience to see to an end, +purely that I might gather more facts and certainty against them in my +design to do their deserts instant justice; and accordingly, when they +had re-adjusted themselves; and were preparing to go out, burning as I +was with rage and indignation, I jumped down from the chair, in order +to raise the house upon them, but with such an unlucky impetuosity, that +some nail or ruggedness in the floor caught my foot, and flung me on my +face with such violence, that I fell senseless on the ground, and lay +there some time before any one came to my relief: so that they, alarmed, +I suppose, by the noise of my fall, had more than the necessary time +to make a safe retreat. This they effected, as I learnt, with a +precipitation nobody could account for, until, when come to myself, and +composed enough to speak, I acquainted those of the house with the whole +transaction I had been evidence to. + +When I came home again, and told Mrs. Cole this adventure, she very +sensibly observed to me, that "there was no doubt of the due vengeance +one time or other overtaking these miscreants, however they might escape +for the present; and that, had I been the temporal instrument of it, I +should have been put to a great deal more trouble and confusion than +I imagined; that, as to the thing itself, the less said of it was the +better; but that though she might be suspected of partiality, from its +being the common cause of womankind, out of whose mouths this practice +tended to take something more than bread, yet she protested against any +mixture of passion, with a declaration extorted from her by pure regard +to truth; which was, that whatever effect this infamous passion had in +other ages and other countries, it seemed a peculiar blessing on our air +and climate, that there was a plaguespot visibly imprinted on all that +are tainted with it, in this nation at least, for that among numbers of +that stamp whom she had known, or at least were universally under the +scandalous suspicion of it, she would not name an exception hardly to +one of them, whose character was not, in all other respects, the most +worthless and despicable that could be; stript of all the manly virtues +of their own sex, and filled up with only the worst vices and follies of +ours; that, in fine, they were scarce less execrable than ridiculous in +their monstrous inconsistence, of loathing and contemning women, and at +the same time apeing all their manners, airs, lisps, scuttle, and, in +general, all their little modes of affectation, which become them at +least better, than they do these unsexed, male misses." + +But here, washing my hands of them, I re-plunge into the stream of my +history, which I may very properly ingraft a terrible sally of Louisa's, +since I had some share in it myself, and have besides engaged myself to +relate it, in point of countenance to poor Emily. It will add, too, one +more example to thousands, in confirmation of the maxim, that women get +once out of compass, there are no lengths of licentiousness, that they +are not capable of running. + +One morning then, that both Mrs. Cole and Emily were gone out for the +day, and only Louisa and I (not to mention the house-maid) were left in +charge of the house, whilst we were loitering away the time, in looking +through the shop windows, the son of a poor woman, who earned very hard +bread indeed by mending of stockings, in a stall in the neighbourhood, +offered us some nosegays, ranged round a small basket; by selling of +which the poor boy eked out his mother's maintenance of them both: nor +was he fit for any other way of livelihood, since he was not only +a perfect changeling, or idiot, but stammered so that there was no +understanding even those sounds his half-dozen animals ideas, at most, +prompted him to utter. + +The boys and servants in the neighbourhood had given him the nick-name +of good-natured Dick, from the soft simpleton's doing every thing he +was bid at the first word, and from his naturally having no turn +to mischief; then, by the way, he was perfectly well made, stout, +clean-limbed, tall of his age, as strong as a horse, and, withal, pretty +featured; so that he was not, absolutely, such a figure to be snuffled +at neither, if your nicety could, in favour of such essentials, have +dispensed with a face unwashed, hair tangled for want of combing, and +so ragged a pliht, that he might have disputed points of shew with any +heathen philosopher of them all. + +This boy we had often seen, and bought his flowers, out of pure +compassion, and nothing more; but just at this time as he stood +presenting us his basket, a sudden whim, a start of wayward fancy, +seized Louisa; and, without consulting me, she calls him in, and +beginning to examine his nosegays, culls out two, one for herself, +another for me, and pulling out half a crown, very currently gives it +him to change, as if she had really expected he could have changed it: +but the boy, scratching his head, made his signs explain his inability +in place of words, which he could not, with all his struggles, +articulate. + +Louisa, at this, says: "Well, my lad, come up stairs with me, and I will +give you your due," winking at the same time to me, and beckoning me to +accompany her, which I did, securing first the street-door, that by this +means, together with the shop, became wholly the care of the faithful +house-maid. + +As we went up, Louisa whispered me "that she had conceived a strange +longing to be satisfied, whether the general rule held good with regard +to this changeling, and how far nature had made him amends, in her best +bodily gifts, for her denial of the sublimer intellectual ones; begin, +at the same time, my assistance in procuring her this satisfaction." A +want of complaisance was never my vice, and I was so far from opposing +this extravagant frolic, that now, bit with the same maggot, and my +curiosity conspiring with hers, I entered plump into it, on my own +account. + +Consequently, soon as we came into Louisa's bed-chamber, whilst she was +amusing him with picking out his nosegays, I undertook the lead, and +began the attack. As it was not then very material to keep much measures +with a mere natural, I made presently free with him, though at my first +motion of meddling, his surprise and confusion made him receive my +advances but awkwardly: nay, insomuch that he bashfully shied, and shied +back a little; till encouraging him with my eyes, plucking him playfully +by the hair, sleeking his cheeks, and forwarding my point by a number +of little wantonnesses, I soon turned him familiar, and gave nature +her sweetest alarm: so that aroused, and beginning to feel himself, we +could, amidst all the innocent laugh and grin I had provoked him into, +perceive the fire lighting in his eyes, and, diffusing over his cheeks, +blend its glow with that of his blushes. The emotion in short of animal +pleasure glared distinctly in the simpleton's countenance; yet struck +with the novelty of the scene, he did not know which way to look or +move; but tame, passive, simpering, with his mouth half open, in stupid +rapture, stood and tractably suffered me to do what I pleased with him. +His basket was dropt out of his hands, which Louisa took care of. + +I had now, through more than one rent, discovered and felt his thighs, +the skin of which seemed the smoother and fairer for the coarseness, and +even the dirt of his dress, as the teeth of negroes seem the whiter for +the surrounded black; and poor indeed of habit, poor of understanding, +he was, however, abundantly rich in personal treasures, such as flesh, +firm, plump, and replete with the juices of youth, and robust well-knit +limbs. My fingers too had now got within reach of the true, the genuine +sensitive plant, which, instead of shrinking from the touch, joys to +meet it, and swells and vegetates under it: mine pleasingly informed me +that matters were so ripe for the discovery we meditated, that they were +too mighty for the confinement they were ready to break. A waistband +that I unskewered, and a rag of a shirt that I removed, and which could +not have covered a quarter of it, revealed the whole of the idiot's +standard of distinction, erect, in full pride and display: but such a +one! it was positively of so tremendous a size, that prepared as we were +to see something extraordinary, it still, out of measure, surpassed our +expectation, and astonished even me, who had not been used to trade in +trifles. In fine, it might have answered very well the making a skew of; +its enormous head seemed, in hue and size, not unlike a common sheep's +heart; then you might have trolled dice securely along the broad back +of the body of it; the length of it too was prodigious; then the rich +appendage of the treasure-bag beneath, large in proportion, gathered +and crisped up round in shallow furrows, helped to fill the eye, and +complete the proof of his being a natural, not quite in vain; since it +was full manifest that he inherited, and largely too, the prerogative of +majesty which distinguishes that otherwise most unfortunate condition, +and gave rise to the vulgar saying "That a fool's bauble is a lady's +playfellow." Not wholly without reason: for, generally speaking, it is +in love as it is in war, where the longest weapon carries it. Nature, +in short, had done so much for him in those parts, that she perhaps held +herself acquitted in doing so little for his head. + +For my part, who had sincerely no intention to push the joke further +than simply satisfying my curiosity with the sight of it alone, I was +content, in spite of the temptation that stared me in the face, with +having raised a May-pole for another to hang a garland on: for, by this +time, easily reading Louisa's desires in her wishful eyes, I acted the +commodious part, and made her, who sought no better sport, significant +terms of encouragement to go through stitch with her adventure; +intimating too that I would stay and see fair play: in which, indeed, I +had in view to humour a new born curiosity, to observe what appearances +active nature would put on in a natural, in the course of this her +darling operation. + +Louisa, whose appetite was up, and who, like the industrious bee, was, +it seems, not above gathering the sweet of so rare a flower, though she +found it planted on a dunghill, was but too readily disposed to take +the benefit of my cession. Urged then strongly by her own desires, and +emboldened by me, she presently determined to risk a trial of parts with +the idiot, who was by this time nobly inflamed for her purpose, by all +the irritation we had used to put the principles of pleasure effectually +into motion, and to wind up the springs of its organ to their supreme +pitch; and it stood accordingly stiff and straining, ready to burst with +the blood and spirits that swelled it... to a bulk! No! I shall never +forget it. + +Louisa then, taking and holding the fine handle that so invitingly +offered itself, led the ductile youth, by that mastertool of his, as she +stept backward towards the bed; which he joyfully gave way to, under +the incitations of instinct, and palpably delivered up to the goad of +desire. + +Stopped then by the bed, she took the fall she loved, and leaned to the +most, gently backward upon it, still holding fast what she held, and +taking care to give her clothes a convenient toss up, so that her thighs +duly disclosed, and elevated, laid open all the outward prospect of the +treasury of love: the rose-lipt overture presenting the cockpit so fair, +that it was not in nature even for a natural to miss it. Nor did he: for +Louisa, fully bent on grappling with it, and impatient of dalliance or +delay, directed faithfully the point of the battering-piece, and bounded +up with a rage of so varocious appetite, to meet and favour the thrust +of insertion, that the fierce activity on both sides effected it with +such pain of distention, that Louisa cried out violently, that she was +hurt beyond bearing, that she was killed. But it was too late: the storm +was up, and force was on her to give way to it; for now the man-machine, +strongly worked upon by the sensual passion, felt so manfully his +advantages and superiority, felt withal the sting of pleasure so +intolerable, that maddening with it, his joys began to assume a +character of furiousness, which made me tremble for the too tender +Louisa. He seemed, at this juncture, greater than himself; his +countenance, before so void of meaning, or expression, now grew big with +the importance of the act he was upon. In short, it was not now that he +was to be played the fool with. But, what is pleasant enough, I myself +was awed into a sort of respect for him, by the comely terrors his +motions dressed him in: his eyes shooting sparks of fire; his face +glowing with ardours that gave another life to it; his teeth churning; +his whole frame agitated with a raging ungovernable impetuosity: all +sensibly betraying the formidable fierceness with which the genial +instinct acted upon him. Butting then and goring all before him, and mad +and wild like an ower-driven steer, he ploughs up the tender furrow all +insensible to Louisa's complaints; nothing can stop, nothing can keep +out a fury like his: with which, having once got its head in, its blind +rage soon made way for the rest, piercing, rending, and breaking open +all obstruction. The torn, split, wounded girl cries, struggles, invokes +me to her rescue, and endeavours to get from under the young savage, +or shake him off, but alas! in vain: her breath, might as soon have +strength to have quelled his rough assault, or put him out of his +course. And indeed, all her efforts and struggles were managed with such +disorder, that they served rather to entangle, and fold her the faster +in the twine of his boisterous arms; so that she was tied to the stake, +and obliged to fight the match out, if she died for it. For his part, +instinct-ridden as he was, the expressions of his animal passion, +partaking something of ferocity, were rather worrying than kisses, +intermixed with ravenous love-bites on her cheeks and necks, the prints +of which did not wear out for some days after. + +Poor Louisa, however, bore up at length better than could have been +expected: and though she suffered, and greatly too, yet, ever true to +the good old cause, she suffered with pleasure and enjoyed her pain. And +soon now, by dint of an enraged enforcement, the brute-machine, driven +like a whirlwind, made all smoke again, and wedging its way up, to the +utmost extremity, left her, in point of penetration, nothing to fear or +to desire: and now, + + "Gorged with the dearest morsel of the earth," + (Shakespeare.) + +Louisa lay, pleased to the heart, pleased to her utmost capacity of +being so, with every fibre in those parts, stretched almost to breaking, +on a rack of joy, whilst the instrument of all this over-fullness +searched her senses with its sweet excess, till the pleasure gained upon +her so, its point stung her so home, that catching at length the rage +from her furious driver and sharing the riot of his wild rapture, she +went wholly out of her mind into that favourite part of her body, the +whole intenseness of which was so fervously filled, and employed: +there alone she existed, all lost in those delirious transports, those +extasies of the senses, which her winking eyes, the brightened vermilion +of her lips and cheeks, and sighs of pleasure deeply fetched, so +pathetically expressed. In short, she was now as mere a machine as much +wrought on, and had her motions as little at her own command, as the +natural himself, who, thus broke in upon her, made her feel with a +vengeance his tempestuous mettle he battered with; their active loins +quivered again with the violence of their conflict, till the surge of +pleasure, foaming and raging to a height, drew down the pearly shower +that was, to allay this hurricane. The purely sensitive idiot then first +shed those tears of joy that attend its last moments, not without an +agony of delight, and even almost a roar of rapture, as the gush escaped +him; so sensibly too for Louisa, that she kept him faithful company, +going off, in consent, with the old symptoms: a delicious delirium, a +tremendous convulsive shudder, and the critical dying: Oh! And now, on +his getting off she lay pleasure-drenched, and regorging its essential +sweets; but quite spent, and gasping for breath, without other sensation +of life than in those exquisite vibrations that trembled still on the +strings of delight; which had been too intensively touched, and which +nature had so ravishingly stirred with, for the senses to be quickly at +peace from. + +As for the changeling, whose curious engine had been thus successfully +played off, his shift of countenance and gesture had even something +droll, or rather tragi-comic in it: there was now an air of sad repining +foolishness, superadded to his natural one of no meaning and idiotism, +as he stood with his label of manhood, now lank, unstiffened, becalmed, +and flapping against his thighs, down which it reached half way, +terrible even in its fall, whilst under the dejection of spirit and +flesh, which naturally followed his eyes, by turns, cast down towards +his struck standard, or piteously lifted to Louisa, seemed to require at +her hands what he had so sensibly parted from to her, and now ruefully +missed. But the vigour of nature, soon returning, dissipated the blast +of faintness which the common law of enjoyment had subjected him to; +and now his basket re-became his main concern, which I looked for, and +brought him, whilst Louisa restored his dress to its usual condition, +and afterwards pleased him perhaps more by taking all his flowers +off his hands, and paying him, at his rate, for them, than if she had +embarrassed him by a present, that he would have been puzzled to account +for, and might have put others on tracing the motives of. + +Whether she ever returned to the attack I know not, and, to say truth, +I believe not. She had had her freak out, and had pretty plentifully +drowned her curiosity in a glut of pleasure, which, as it happened, had +no other consequence than that the lad, who retained only a confused +memory of the transaction, would, when he saw her, forget her in favour +of the next woman, tempted, on the report of his parts, to take him in. +Louisa herself did not long outstay this adventure at Mrs. Cole's (to +whom, by the bye, we took care not to boast of our exploit, till all +fear of consequences were clearly over): for an occasion presenting +itself of proving her passion for a young fellow, at the expense of her +discretion, proceeding all in character, she packed up her toilet, at +half a day's warning, and went with him abroad, since which I entirely +lost sight of her, and it never fell in my way to hear what became of +her. + +But a few days after she had left us, two very occasion, not to wrong +our training at Mrs. Cole's, especially favourites, and free of her +academy, easily obtained her consent for Emily's and my acceptance of a +party of pleasure, at a little but agreeable house, belonging to one of +them situated not far up the river Thames, on the Surrey side. + +Every thing being settled, and it being a fine summer day, but rather +of the warmest, we set out after dinner, and got to our rendezvous about +four in the afternoon; where, landing at the foot of a neat, joyous +pavilion, Emily and I were handed into it by our esquires, and there +drank tea with a cheerfulness and gaiety, that the beauty of the +prospect, the serenity of the weather, and the tender politeness of our +sprightly gallants, naturally led us into. + +After tea, and taking a turn in the garden, my particular, who was the +master of the house, and had in no sense schemed this party of pleasure +for a dry one, proposed to us, with that frankness which his familiarity +at Mrs. Cole's entitled him to, as the weather was excessively hot, +to bathe together, under a commodious shelter that he had prepared +expressly for that purpose, in a creek of the river, with which a +side-door of the pavilion immediately communicated, and where we might +be sure of having our diversion out, safe from interruption, and with +the utmost privacy. + +Emily, who never refused anything, and I, who ever delighted in bathing, +and had no exception to the person who proposed it, or to those pleasure +it was easy to guess it implied, took care, on this occasion, not to +wrong our training at Mrs. Cole's, and agreed to it with as good a grace +as we could. Upon which, without loss of time, we returned instantly to +the pavilion, one door of which opened into a tent, pitched before it, +that with its marquise, formed a pleasing defense again the sun, or the +weather, and was besides as private as we could wish. The lining of it, +embossed cloth, represented a wild forest foliage, from the top, down to +the sides, which, in the same stuff, were figured with fluted pilasters, +with their spaces between filled with flower vases, the whole having a +pay effect croon the eye, wherever you turned it. + +Then it reached sufficiently into the water, yet contained convenient +benches round it, on the dry ground, either to keep our clothes, or..., +or..., in short for more uses than resting upon. There was a side-table +too, loaded with sweetmeats, jellies, and other eatables, and bottles +of wine and cordials, by way of occasional relief from any rawness, or +chill of the water, or from any faintness from whatever cause; and in +fact, my gallant, who understood chere entiere perfectly, and who, for +taste (even if you would not approve this specimen of it) might have +been comptroller of pleasures to a Roman emperor, had left no requisite +towards convenience or luxury unprovided. + +As soon as we had looked round this inviting spot, and every preliminary +of privacy was duly settled, strip was the word: when the young +gentlemen soon dispatched the undressing each his partner and reduced +us to the naked confession of all those secrets of person which dress +generally hides, and which the discovery of was, naturally speaking, not +to our disadvantage. Our hands, indeed, mechanically carried towards +the most interesting part of us, screened, at first, all from the tufted +cliff downwards, till we took them away at their desire, and employed +them in doing them the same office, of helping off with their clothes; +in the process of which, there passed all the little wantonnesses and +frolics that you may easily imagine. + +As for my spark, he was presently undressed, all to his shirt, the +fore-lappet of which as he leaned languishingly on me, he smilingly +pointed to me to observe, as it bellied out, or rose and fell, according +to the unruly starts of the motion behind it; but it was soon fixed, for +now taking off his shirt, and naked as a Cupid, he shewed it me at so +upright a stand, as prepared me indeed for his application to me for +instant ease; but, though the sight of its fine size was fit enough to +fire me, the cooling air, as I stood in this state of nature, joined +to the desire I had of bathing-first, enabled me to put him off, and +tranquillize him, with the remark, that a little suspense would only +set a keener edge on the pleasure. Leading them the way, and shewing our +friends an example of continency, which they were giving signs of losing +respect to, we went hand in hand into the stream, till it took us up to +our necks, where the no more than grateful coolness of the wafer gave +my senses a delicious refreshment from the sultriness of the season, and +made more alive, more happy in myself, and, in course, more alert, and +open to voluptuous impressions. + +Here I laved and wantoned with the water, or sportively played with +my companion, leaving Emily to deal with hers at discretion. Mine, at +length, not content with making me take the plunge over head and ears, +kept splashing me, and provoking me with all the little playful tricks +he could devise, and which I strove not to remain in his debt for. We +gave, in short, a loose to mirth; and now, nothing would serve him but +giving his hand the regale of going over every part of me, neck, breast, +belly, thighs, and all the et caetera, so dear to the imagination, under +the pretext of washing and rubbing them; as we both stood in the water, +no higher now than the pit of our stomachs, and which did not hinder him +from feeling, and toying with that leak that distinguishes our sex, and +it so wonderfully water-tight: for his fingers, in vain dilating and +opening it, only let more flame than water into it, be it said without +a figure. At the same time he made me feel his own engine, which was so +well wound up, as to stand even the working in water, and he accordingly +threw one arm round my neck, and was endeavouring to get the better +of that harsher construction bred by the surrounding fluid; and had in +effect one hiway so far as to make me sensible of the pleasing stretch +of those nether lips, from the in-driving machine; when, independent +of my not liking that awkward mode of enjoyment, I could not help +interrupting him, in order to become joint spectators of a plan of joy, +in hot operation between Emily and her partner; who impatient of the +fooleries and dalliance of the bath, had led his nymph to one of the +benches on the green bank, where he was very cordially proceeding to +teach her the difference betwixt jest and earnest. + +There, setting her on his knee, and gliding one hand over the surface +of that smooth polished snow-white skin of hers, which now doubly shone +with a dew-bright lustre, and presented to the touch something like what +one would imagine of animated ivory, especially in those ruby-nippled +globes, which the touch is so fond of and delights to make love to, +with the other h was lusciously exploring the sweet secret of nature, +in order to make room for a stately piece of machinery, that stood +up-reared, between her thighs, as she continued siting on his lap, and +pressed hard for instant intromission, which the tender Emily, in a +fit of humour deliciously protracted, affected to decline, and elude the +very pleasure she sighed for, but in a style of waywardness, so prettily +put on, and managed, as to render it ten times more poignant; then her +eyes, all amidst the softest dying languishment, expressed, ait once a +mock denial and extreme desire, whilst her sweetness was zested with a +coyness so pleasingly provoking, her moods of keeping him off were +so attractive, that they redoubled the impetuous rage with, which, he +covered her with kisses: and kisses that, whilst she seemed to shy from +or scuffle for, the cunning wanton contrived such sly returns, of, as +were, doubtless the sweeter for the gust she gave them, of being stolen +ravished. + +Thus Emily, who knew no art but that which nature itself, in favour +of her principal end, pleasure, had inspired her with, the art of +yielding, coyed it indeed, but coyed it to the purpose; for with all +her straining, her wrestling, and striving to break from the clasp +of his arms, she was so far wiser yet than to mean it, that in her +struggles, it was visible she aimed at nothing more than multiplying +points of touch with him, and drawing yet closer the folds that held +them every where entwined, like two tendrils of a vine intercurling: +together: so that the same effect, as when Louisa strove in good earnest +to disengage from the idiot, was-now produced by different motives. + +Mean while, their emersion out of the cold water had caused a general +glow, a tender suffusion of heightened carnation over their bodies; +both equally white and smoothskinned; so that as their limbs were-thus +amorously interwoven, in sweet confusion, it was scarce possible to +distinguish who they respectively belonged to, but for the brawnier, +bolder muscles of the stronger sex. + +In a little time, however, the champion was fairly in with her, and had +tied at all points the true lover's knot; when now, adieu all the little +refinements of a finessed reluctance; adieu the friendly feint! She was +presently driven forcibly out of the power of using any art; and +indeed, what art must not give way, when nature, corresponding with her +assailant, invaded in the heart of her capital and carried by storm, lay +at the mercy of the proud conqueror, who had made his entry triumphantly +and completely? Soon, however, to become a tributary: for the engagement +growing hotter and hotter, at close quarters, she presently brought him +to the pass of paying down the dear debt to nature; which she had no +sooner collected in, but, like a duellist who has laid his antagonist at +his feet, when he has himself received a mortal wound, Emily had +scarce time to plume herself upon her victory, but, shot with the same +discharge, she, in a loud expiring sigh, in the closure of her eyes, +the stretch-out of her limbs, and a remission of her whole frame, gave +manifest signs that all was as it should be. + +For my part, who had not with the calmest patience stood in the water +all this time, to view this warm action, I leaned tenderly on my +gallant, and at the close of it, seemed to ask him with my eyes, what he +thought of it; but he, more eager to satisfy me by his actions than by +words or looks, as we shoaled the water towards the shore, showed me the +staff of love so intensely set up, that had not even charity, beginning +at home in this case, urged me to our mutual relief, it would have been +cruel indeed to have suffered the youth to burst with straining, when +the remedy was so obvious and so near at hand. + +Accordingly we took a bench, whilst Emily and her spark, who belonged it +seems to the sea, stood at the side-board, drinking to our good voyage: +for, as the last observed, we were well under weigh, with a fair wind up +channel, and full-freighted; nor indeed were we long before we finished +our trip to Cythera, and unloaded in the old haven; but, as the +circumstances-did not admit of much variation, I shall spare you the +description. + +At the same time, allow me to place you here an excuse I am conscious of +owing you, for having, perhaps, too much affected the figurative style; +though surely, it can pass nowhere more allowable than in a subject +which is so properly the province of poetry, nay, is poetry itself, +pregnant with every flower of imagination and loving metaphors, even +were not the natural expressions, for respects of fashion and sound, +necessarily forbidden. + +Resuming now my history, you may please to know, that what with a +competent number of repetitions, all in the same strain (and, by the +bye, we have a certain natural sense that those repetitions are very +much to the taste), what with a circle of pleasures delicately varied, +there was not a moment lost to joy all the time we staid there, +till late in the night we were re-escorted home by our esquires, who +delivered us safe to Mrs. Cole, with generous thanks for our company. + +This too was Emily's last adventure in our way: for scarce a week after, +she was, by an accident too trivial to detail to you the particulars, +found out by her parents, who were in good circumstances, and who had +been punished for their partiality to their son, in the loss of him, +occasioned by a circumstance of their over indulgence to his appetite; +upon which the so long engrossed stream of fondness, running violently +in favour of this lost and inhumanly abandoned child whom if they had +not neglected enquiry about, they might long before have recovered, they +were now so over-joyed at the retrieval of her, that, I presume, it made +them much less strict in examining the bottom of things: for they seemed +very glad to take for granted, in the lump, every thing that the grave +and decent Mrs. Cole was pleased to pass upon them; and soon afterwards +sent her, from the country, handsome acknowledgment. + +But it was not so easy to replace to our community the loss of so sweet +a member of it: for, not to mention her beauty, she was one of those +mild, pliant characters, that if one does not entirely esteem, one can +scarce help loving, which is not such a bad compensation neither. Owing +all her weaknesses to good nature, and an indolent facility that kept +her too much at the mercy of first impressions, she had just sense +enough to know that she wanted leading strings, and thought herself so +much obliged to any who would take the pains to think for her, and guide +her, that with a very little management, she was capable of being made a +most agreeable, nay a most virtuous wife: for vice, it is probable, had +never been her choice, or her fate, if it had not been for occasion, +or example, or had she not depended less upon herself than upon her +circumstances. This presumption her conduct afterwards verified: for +presently meeting with a match, that was ready cut and dry for her, with +a neighbour's son of her own rank, and a young man of sense and order, +who took as the widow of one lost at sea (for so it seems one of her +gallants, whose name she had made free with, really was), she naturally +struck into all the duties of her domestic life, with as much simplicity +of affection, with as much constancy and regularity, as if she had never +swerved from a state of undebauched innocence from her youth. + +These desertions had, however, now so far thinned Mrs. Cole's cluck that +she was left with only me, like a hen with one chicken; but though she +was earnestly entreated and encouraged to recruit her crops, her growing +infirmities, and, above all, the tortures, of a stubborn hip gout, +which she found would yield to no remedy, determined her to break up her +business, and retire with a decent pittance into the country, where I +promised myself, nothing so sure, as my going down to live with her, as +soon as I had seen a little more of life, and improved my small matters +into a competency that would create in me an independence on the world: +for I was now, thanks to Mrs. Cole, wise enough to keep that essential +in view. + +Thus was I then to lose my faithful preceptress, as did the philosophers +of the town the white crow of her profession. For besides that she never +ransacked her customers, whose tastes too she ever studiously consulted, +she never racked her pupils with unconscionable extortions, nor ever +put their hard earnings, as she called them, under the contribution of +poundage. She was a severe enemy to the seduction for innocence, and +confined her acquisitions solely to those unfortunate young women, who, +having lost it, were but the juster objects of compassion: among these, +indeed, she picked out such as suited her views and taking them under +her protection, rescued them from the danger of the public sinks of ruin +and misery, to place, or for them, well or ill, in the manner you have +seen. Having then settled her affairs, she set out on her journey, after +taking the most tender leave of me, and at the end of some excellent +instructions, recommending me to myself, with an anxiety perfectly +maternal. In short, she affected me so much, that I was not presently +reconciled to myself for suffering her at any rate to go without me; but +fate had, it seems, otherwise disposed of me. + +I had, on my separation from Mrs. Cole, taken a pleasant convenient +house at Marylebone, but easy to rent and manage from its smallness, +which I furnished neatly and modestly. There, with a reserve of eight +hundred pounds, the fruit of my deference to Mrs. Cole's counsels, +exclusive of clothes, some jewels, and some plate, I saw myself in purse +for a long time, to wait without impatience for what the chapter of +accidents might produce in my favour. + +Here, under the new character of a young gentlewoman whose husband was +gone to sea, I had marked me out such lines of life and conduct, as +leaving me a competent liberty to pursue my views either out of pleasure +or fortune, bounded me nevertheless strictly within the rules of decency +and discretion: a disposition, in which you cannot escape observing a +true pupil of Mrs. Cole. + +I was scarce, however, well warm in my new abode, when going out one +morning pretty early to enjoy the freshness of it, in the pleasing +outlet of the fields, accompanied only by a maid, whom I had newly +hired, as we were carelessly walking among the trees, we were alarmed +with the noise of a violent coughing: turning our heads towards which, +we distinguished a plain well dressed elderly gentleman, who, attacked +with a sudden fit, was so much overcome, as to be forced to give way to +it and sit down at the foot of a tree, where he seemed suffocating with +the severity of it, being perfectly black in the face; not less moved +than frightened with which, I flew on the instant to his relief, and +using the rote of practice I had observed on the like occasion, I +loosened his cravat and clapped him on the back; but whether to any +purpose, or whether the cough had had its course, I know not, but the +fit immediately went off; and now recovered to his speech and legs, he +returned me thanks with as much emphasis as if I had saved his life. +This naturally engaging a conversation, he acquainted me where he lived, +which was at a considerable distance from where I met him, and where he +had strayed insensibly on the same intention of a morning walk. + +He was, as I afterwards learned in the course of the intimacy which this +little accident gave birth to, an old bachelor, turned of sixty, but +of a fresh vigorous complexion, insomuch that he scarce marked five and +forty, having never racked his constitution by permitting his desires to +over-tax his ability. + +As to his birth and conditions, his parents, honest and failed +mechanics, had, by the best traces he could get of them, left him an +infant orphan on the parish; so that it was from a charity-school, that, +by honesty and industry, he made his way into a merchant's counting +house, from whence, being sent to a house in Cadiz, he there, by his +talents and activity, acquired not only a fortune, but an immense +one, with which he returned to his native country; where he could not, +however, fish out so much as one single relation out of the obscurity +he was born in. Taking then a taste for refinement, and pleased to enjoy +life, like a mistress in the dark, he flowed his days in all the ease +of opulence, without the least parade of it; and, rather studying +the concealment than the shew of a fortune, looked down on a world he +perfectly knew himself, to his wish, unknown and unmarked by. + +But, as I propose to devote a letter entirely to the pleasure of +retracing to you all the particulars of my acquaintance with this ever, +to me, memorable friend, I shall, in this, transiently touch on no +more than may serve, as mortar, to cement, or form the connection of my +history, and to obviate your surprise that one of my blood and relish of +life, should count a gallant of three score such a catch. + +Referring then to a more explicit narrative, to explain by what +progressions our acquaintance, certainly innocent at first, insensibly +changed nature, and run into unplatonic length, as might well be +expected from one of my condition of life, and above all, from that +principle of electricity that scarce ever fails of producing fire when +the sexes meet. I shall only here acquaint you, that as age had not +subdued his tenderness for our sex, neither had it robbed him of the +power of pleasing, since whatever he wanted in the bewitching charms of +youth, he atoned for, or supplemented with the advantages of experience, +the sweetness of his manners, and above all, his flattering address in +touching the heart, by an application to the understanding. From him it +was I first learned, to any purpose, and not without infinite pleasure, +that I had such a portion of me worth bestowing some regard on; from him +I received my first essential encouragement, and instructions how to put +it in that train of cultivation, which I have since pushed to the little +degree of improvement you see it at; he it was, who first taught me to +be sensible that the pleasures of the mind were superior to those of +the body; at the same time, that they were so far from obnoxious to, or, +incompatible with each other, that, besides the sweetness in the variety +and transition, the one served to exalt and perfect the taste of the +other, to a degree that the senses alone can never arrive at. + +Himself a rational pleasurist; as being much too wise to be ashamed of +the pleasures of humanity, loved me indeed, but loved me with dignity; +in a mean equally removed from the sourness, of forwardness, by which +age is unpleasingly characterized, and from that childish silly dotage +that so often disgraces it, and which he himself used to turn into +ridicule, and compare to an old goat affecting the frisk of a young kid. + +In short, every thing that is generally unamiable in his season of life, +was, in him, repaired by so many advantages, that he existed a proof, +manifest at least to me, that it is not out of the power of age to +please, if it lays out to please, and if, making just allowance, those +in that class do not forget, that if must cost them more pains and +attention, than what youth, the natural spring-time of joy, stands in +need of: as fruits out of season require proportionally more skill and +cultivation, to force them. + +With this gentleman, who took me home soon after our acquaintance +commenced, I lived near eight months in which time, my constant +complaisance and docility, my attention to deserve his confidence and +love, and a conduct, in general, devoid of the least art and founded on +my sincere regard and esteem for him, won and attached him so firmly to +me, that, after having generously trusted me with a genteel, independent +settlement, proceeding to heap marks of affection on me, he appointed +me, by an authentic will, his sole heiress and executrix: a disposition +which he did not outlive two months, being taken from me by a violent +cold that he contracted, as he unadvisedly ran to the window, on an +alarm of fire at some streets distant, and stood there naked-breasted, +and exposed to the fatal impressions of a damp night air. + +After acquitting myself of the duty towards my deceased benefactor, and +paying him a tribute of un-feigned sorrow, which a little time changed +into a most tender, graceful memory of him, which I shall ever retain, I +grew somewhat comforted by the prospect that now opened to me, if not of +happiness, at least of affluence and independence. + +I saw myself then in the full bloom and pride of youth (for I was not +yet nineteen), actually at the head of so large a fortune, as it would +have been even the height of impudence in me to have raised my wishes, +much more my hopes to; and that this unexpected elevation did not turn +my head, I owed to the pains my benefactor had taken to form and +prepare me for it, as I owed his opinion of my management of the vast +possessions he left me, to what he had observed of the prudential +economy I had learned under Mrs. Cole, the reserve of which he saw I had +made, was a proof and encouragement to him. + +But, alas! how easily in the enjoyment of the greatest sweets in life, +in present possession, poisoned by the regret of an absent one! But my +regret was a mighty and just one, since it had my only truly beloved +Charles for its object. + +Given him up I had, indeed, completely, having never once heard from +him since our separation; which, as I found afterwards, had been my +misfortune, and not his neglect, for he wrote me several letters which +had all miscarried; but forgotten him I never had. And amidst all my +personal infidelities, not one had made a pin's point impression on a +heart impenetrable to the true love passion, but for him. + +As soon, however, as I was mistress of this unexpected fortune, I felt +more than ever how dear he was to me, from its insufficiency to make +me happy, whilst he was not to share it with me. My earliest care, +consequently, was to endeavour at getting some account of him; but all +my researches produced me no more light, than that his father had been +dead for some time, not so well as even with the world; and that Charles +had reached his port of destination in the South Seas, where, finding +the estate he was sent to recover, dwindled to a trifle, by the loss of +two ships in which the bulk of his uncle's fortune lay, he was come +away with the small remainder, and might, perhaps, according to the best +advice, in a few months return to England, from whence he had, at the +time of this my inquiry, been absent two years and seven months. A +little eternity in love! + +You cannot conceive with what joy I embraced the hopes thus given me +of seeing the delight of my heart again. But, as the term of months was +assigned it, in order to divert and amuse my impatience for his return, +after settling my affairs with much ease and security, I set out on a +journey for Lancashire, with an equipage suitable to my fortune, and +with a design purely to revisit my place of nativity, for which I could +not help retaining a great tenderness; and might naturally not be sorry +to shew myself there, to the advantage I was now in pass to do, after +the report Esther Davis had spread of my being spirited away to the +plantations; for on no other supposition could she account for the +suppression of myself to her, since her leaving me so abruptly at the +inn. Another favourite intention I had, to look out for my relations, +though I had none but distant ones, and prove a benefactress to them. +Then Mrs. Cole's place of retirement lying in my way, was not amongst +the least of the pleasures I had proposed to myself in this expedition. + +I had taken nobody with me but a discreet decent woman, to figure it as +my companion, besides my servants; and was scarce got into an inn, about +twenty miles from London, where I was to sup and pass the night, when +such a storm of wind and rain come on, as made me congratulate myself on +having got under shelter before it began. + +This had continued a good half an hour, when bethinking me of some +directions to be given to the coachman, I sent for him, not caring that +his shoes should soil the very clean parlour, in which the cloth was +laid, I stept into the hall kitchen, where he was, and where, whilst I +was talking to him, I slantingly observed two horsemen driven in by the +weather, and both wringing wet; one of whom was asking if they could not +be assisted with a change, while their clothes were dried. But, heavens! +who can express what I felt at the sound of a voice, ever present to my +heart, and that it now rebounded at! or when pointing my eyes towards +the person it came from, they confirmed its information, in spite of so +long an absence, and of a dress one would have studied for a disguise: a +horseman's great coat, with a stamp-up cape, and his hat flapped... +but what could escape the alertness of a sense truly guided by love? +A transport then like mine was above all consideration, or schemes of +surprise; and I, that instant, with the rapidity of the emotions that I +felt the spur of, shot into his arms, crying out, as I threw mine round +his neck: "My life!... my soul!... my Charles!.." and without further +power of speech, swooned away, under the pressing agitation of joy and +surprise. + +Recovered out of my entrancement, I found myself in my charmer's arms, +but in the parlour, surrounded by a crowd which this event had gathered +round us, and which immediately, on a signal from the discreet landlady, +who currently took him for my husband, cleared the room, and desirably +left us alone to the raptures of this reunion; my joy at which had like +to have proved, at the expense of my life, its power superior to that of +grief at our fatal separation. + +The first object then, that my eyes opened on, was their supreme idol, +and my supreme wish, Charles, on one knee, holding me fast by the hand +and gazing on me with a transport of fondness. Observing my recovery, +he attempted to speak, and give vent to his patience of hearing my voice +again, to satisfy him once more that it was I; but the mightiness and +suddenness Of the surprise continuing to stun him, choked his utterance: +he could only stammer out a few broken, half-formed, filtering accents, +which my ears greedily drinking in, spelt, and put together, so as to +make out their sense: "After so long!... so cruel an absence!... my +dearest Fanny!... can it?... can it be you?..." stifling me at the time +with kisses, that, stopping my opening mouth, at once prevented the +answer that he panted for, and increased the delicious disorder in +which all my senses were rapturously lost. However, amidst this crowd of +ideas, and all blissful ones, there obtruded only one cruel doubt that +poisoned nearly all the transcendant happiness: and what was it, but my +dread of its being too excessive to be real? I trembled now with my +fear of its being no more than a dream, and of waking out of it into +the horrors of finding it one. Under this fond apprehension, imagining +I could not make too much of the present prodigious joy, before it would +vanish and leave me in the desert again, nor verify its reality too +strongly, I clung to him, I clasped him, as if to hinder him from +escaping me again: "Where have you been?... how could you... could you +leave me?... Say you are still mine... that you still love me... and +thus! thus!" (kissing him as if I would consolidated lips with him) "I +forgive you... forgive my hard fortune in favour of this restoration." + +All these interjections breaking from me, in that wildness of expression +that justly passes for eloquence in love, drew from him all the returns +my fond heart could wish or require. Our caresses, our questions, our +answers, for some time observed no order; all crossing, or interrupting +one another in sweet confusion, whilst we exchanged hearts at our eyes, +and renewed the ratifications of a love unabated by time or absence: +not a breath, not a motion, not a gesture on either side, but what was +strongly impressed with it. Our hands, locked in each other, repeated +the most passionate squeezes, so that their fiery thrill went to the +heart again. + +Thus absorbed, and concentered in this unutterable delight, I had not +attended to the sweet author of it being thoroughly wet, and in danger +of catching cold; when, in good time, the landlady, whom the appearance +of my equipage (which, bye the bye Charles knew nothing of) had gained +me an interest in, for me and mine interrupted us by bringing in a +decent shift of linen and clothes; which now, somewhat recovered into +a calmer composure by the coming in of a third person, I pressed him +to take the benefit of, with a tender con-cern and anxiety that made me +tremble for his health. + +The landlady leaving us again, he proceeded to shift; in the act of +which, though he proceeded with all that modesty which became these +first solemner instants of our re-meeting, after so long an absence, +I could not refrain certain snatches of my eyes, lured by the dazzling +discoveries of his naked skin, that escaped him as he changed his linen, +and which I could not observe the unfaded life and complexion of without +emotions of tenderness and joy, that had himself too purely for their +object, to partake of a loose or mis-timed desire. + +He was soon dressed in these temporary clothes, which neither fitted +him, nor became the light my passion placed him in, to me at least; yet, +as they were on him, they looked extremely well, in virtue of that magic +charm which love put into every thing that he-touched, or had relation +to him: and where, indeed, was that dress that a figure like his would +not give grace to? For now, as I eyed him more in detail, I could not +but observe the even favourable alteration which the time of his absence +had produced in his person. + +There were still the requisite lineaments, still the same vivid +vermillion and bloom reigning in his face; but now the roses were +more fully blown; the tan of his travels, and a beard somewhat more +distinguishable, had, at the expense of no more delicacy than what he +could well spare, given it an air of becoming manliness and maturity, +that symmetrized nobly with that air of distinction and empire with +which nature had stamped it, in a rare mixture with the sweetness of +it; still nothing had he lost of that smooth plumpness of flesh, which, +glowing with freshness, blooms florid to the eye, and delicious to the +touch; then his shoulders were grown more square, his shape more formed, +more portly, but still free and airy. In short, his figure showed riper, +greater, and perfecter to the experienced eye, than in his tender youth; +and now he was not much more than two and twenty. + +In this interval, however, I picked out of the broken, often pleasingly +interrupted account of himself, that he was, at that instant, actually +on his road to London, in not a very paramount plight or condition, +having been wrecked on the Irish coast for which he had prematurely +embarked, and lost the little all he had brought with him from the South +Seas: so that he had not till after great shifts and hardships, in the +company of his fellow-traveller, the captain, got so far on his journey; +that so it was (having heard of his father's death and circumstances,) +he had now the world to begin again, on a new account: a situation, +which he assured me, in a vein of sincerity, that flowing from his +heart, penetrated mine, gave him to farther pain, than that he had not +his power to make me as happy as he could wish. My fortune, you will +please to observe, I had not entered upon any overture of, reserving, to +feast myself with the surprise of it to him, in calmer instants. And, as +to my dress, it could give him no idea of the truth, not only as it was +mourning, but likewise in a style of plainness and simplicity that I had +ever kept to with studied art. He pressed me indeed tenderly to satisfy +his ardent curiosity, both with regard to my past and present state of +life, since his being torn away from me: but I found means to elude +his questions, by answers that shewing his satisfaction at no great +distance, won upon him to waive his impatience, in favour of the +thorough confidence he had in my not delaying it, but for respect I +should in good time acquaint him with. + +Charles, however, thus returned to my longing arms, tender, faithful, +and in health, was already a blessing too mighty for my conception: but +Charles in distress!... Charles reduced, and broken down to his naked +personal merit, was such a circumstance, in favour of the sentiments I +had for him, as exceeded my utmost desire; and accordingly I seemed so +visibly charmed, so out of time and measure pleased at his mention of +his ruined fortune, that he could account for it no way, but that the +joy of seeing him again had swallowed up every other sense of concern. + +In the mean time, my woman had taken, all possible care of Charles's +travelling companion; and as supper was coming in, he was introduced +to me, when I received him as became my regard for all of Charles's +acquaintance or friends. + +We four then supped together, in the style of joy, congratulation, and +pleasing disorder that you may guess. For my part, though all these +agitations had left me not the least stomach, but for that uncloying +feast, the sight of my adored youth, I endeavoured to force it, by way +of example for him, who I conjectured must want such a recruit after +riding; and, indeed, he; ate like a traveller, but gazed at, and +addressed me all the time like a lover. + +After the cloth was taken away, and the hour of repose came on, Charles +and I were, without further ceremony, in quality of man and wife, shown +up together to a very handsome apartment, and, all in course, the bed, +they said, the best in the inn. + +And here, Decency, forgive me! if once more I violate thy laws and +keeping the curtains undrawn, sacrifice thee for the last time to that +confidence, without reserve, with which I engaged to recount to you the +most striking circumstances of my youthful disorders. + +As soon, then, as we were in the room together, left to ourselves, the +sight of the bed starving the remembrance of our first joys, and the +thought of my being instantly to share it with the dear possessor of my +virgin heart, moved me so strongly, that it was well I leaned upon him, +or I must have fainted again under the overpowering sweet alarm. Charles +saw into my confusion, and forgot his own, that was scarce less, to +apply himself to the removal of mine. + +But now the true refining passion had regained throughout possession +of me, with all its train of symptoms: a sweet sensibility, a tender +timidity, love-sick yearnings tempered with diffidence and modesty, all +held me in a subjection of soul, incomparably dearer to me than the +liberty of heart which I had been long, too long! the mistress of, in +the course of those grosser gallantries, the consciousness of which now +made me sigh with a virtuous confusion and regret. No real virgin, in +short, in view of the nuptial bed, could give more bashful blushes to +unblemished innocence, than I did to a sense of guilt; and indeed I +loved Charles too truly not to feel severely that I did not deserve him. + +As I kept hesitating and disconcerted under this soft distraction, +Charles, with a fond impatience, took the pains to undress me; and all I +can remember amidst the nutter and discomposure of my senses, was, some +flattering exclamation of joy and admiration, more specially at the feel +of my breasts, now set at liberty from my stays, and which panting and +rising in tumultous throbs, swelled upon his dear touch, and gave it the +welcome pleasure of finding them well formed, and un-failed in firmness. + +I was soon laid in bed, and scarce languished an instant for the darling +partner of it, before he was undressed and got between the sheets, with +his arms clasped round me, giving and taking, with gust inexpressible, +a kiss of welcome, that my heart rising to my lips stamped with its +warmest impression, concurring to my bliss, with that delicate and +voluptuous emotion which Charles alone had the secret to excite, and +which constitutes the very life, the essence of pleasure. + +Mean while, two candles lighted on a side-table near us, and a joyous +wood fire, threw a light into the bed, that took from one sense, of +great importance to our joys, all pretext for complaining of its being +shut out of its share of them; and, indeed, the sight of my idolized +youth was alone, from the ardour with which I had wished for it, without +other circumstance, a pleasure to die of. + +But as action was now a necessity to desires so much on edge as ours, +Charles, after a very short prelusive dalliance, lifting up my linen and +his own, laid the broad treasures of his manly chest close to my bosom, +both beating with the tenderest alarms: when now, the sense of his +glowing body, in naked touch with mine, took all power over my thoughts +out of my own disposal, and delivered up every faculty of the soul +to the sensiblest of joys, that affecting me infinitely more with +my distinction of the person, than of the sex, now brought my heart +deliriously into play: my heart, which, eternally constant to Charles, +had never taken any part in my original sacrifices to the calls of +constitution, complaisance, or interest. But ah! what became of me, +when as the powers of solid pleasure thickened upon me, I could not help +feeling the stiff stake that had been adorned with the trophies of +my despoiled virginity, bearing hard and inflexible against one of my +thighs, which I had not yet opened, from a true principle of modesty, +revived by a passion too sincere to suffer any aiming at the false merit +of difficulty, or my putting on an impertinent mock coyness. + +I have, I believe, somewhere before remarked, that feel of that +favourite piece of manhood has, in the very nature of it, something +inimitably pathetic. Nothing can be dearer to the touch, nor can affect +it with a more delirious sensation. Think then! as a love thinks, what +must be the consummate transport of that quickest of our senses, in +their central seat too! when, after so long a deprival, it felt itself +re-inflamed under the pressure of that peculiar sceptre-member, which +commands us all: but especially my darling, elect from the face of the +whole earth. And now, at its mightiest point of stiffness, it felt to me +something so subduing so active, so solid and agreeable, that I know +not what name to give its singular impression: but the sentiment of +consciousness of its belonging to my supremely beloved youth, gave me +so pleasing an agitation, and worked so strongly on my soul, that it sent +all its sensitive spirits to that organ of bliss in me, dedicated to its +reception. There, concentering to a point, like rays in a burning glass, +they glowed, they burnt with the intensest heat; the springs of +pleasure were, in short, wound up to such a pitch, I panted now with so +exquisitely keen an appetite for the eminent enjoyment, that I was even +sick with desire, and unequal to support the combination of two distinct +ideas, that delightfully distracted me: for all the thought I was +capable of, was that I was now in touch, at once, with the instrument +of pleasure, and the great seal of love. Ideas that, mingling streams, +poured such an ocean of intoxicating bliss on a weak vessel, all too +narrow to contain it, that I lay overwhelmed, absorbed, lost in an abyss +of joy, and dying of nothing but immoderate delight. + +Charles then roused me somewhat out of this extatic distraction, with +a complaint softly murmured, amidst a crowd of kisses, at the position, +not so favourable to his desires, in which I received his urgent +insistance for admission, where that insistance was alone so engrossing +a pleasure, that it made me inconsistently suffer a much dearer one to +be kept out; but how sweet to correct such a mistake! My thighs, now +obedient to the intimations of love and nature, gladly disclose, and +with a ready submission, resign up the soft gateway to the entrance of +pleasure: I see, I feel the delicious velvet tip!... he enters me might +and main, with... oh! my pen drops from here in the extasy now present +to my faithful memory! Description too deserts me, and delivers over a +task, above its strength of wing, to the imagination: but it must be an +imagination exalted by such a flame as mine that can do justice to that +sweetest, noblest of all sensations, that hailed and accompanied +the stiff insinuation all the way up, till it was at the end of its +penetration, sending up, through my eyes, the sparks of the love-fire +that ran all over me and blazed in every vein and every pore of me; a +system incarnate of joy all over. + +I had now totally taken in love's true arrow from the point up to +the feather, in that part, where making no new wound, the lips or the +original one of nature, which had owed its first breathing to this dear +instrument, clung, as if sensible of gratitude, in eager suction round +it, whilst all its inwards embraced it tenderly, with a warmth of gust, +a compressive energy, that gave it, in its way, the heartiest welcome +in nature; every fibre there gathering tight round it, and straining +ambitiously to come in for its share of the blissful touch. + +As we were giving them a few moments pause to the the delectations of +the senses, in dwelling with the highest relish on this intimatest point +of re-union, and chewing the cud of enjoyment, the impatience natural to +the pleasure soon drove us into action. Then began the driving tumult +on his side, and the responsive heaves on mine, which kept me up to +him; whilst, as our joys grew too great for utterance, the organs of +our voices, voluptuously intermixing, became organs of the touch... how +delicious!... how poignantly luscious!... And now! now I felt, to the +heart of me! I felt the prodigious keen edge, with which love, presiding +over this act, points the pleasure: love! that may be styled the Attic +salt of enjoyment; and indeed, without it, the joy, great as it is, +is still a vulgar one, whether in a king or a beggar; for it is, +undoubtedly, love alone that refines, ennobles, and exalts it. + +Thus, happy, then, by the heart, happy by the senses, it was beyond all +power, even of thought, to form the conception of a greater delight than +what I now am consummating the fruition of. + +Charles, whose whole frame was convulsed with the agitation of his +rapture, whilst the tenderest fires trembled in his eyes, all assured me +of a perfect concord of joy, penetrated me so profoundly, touched me +so vitally, took me so much out of my own possession, whilst he seemed +himself so much in mine, that in a delicious enthusiasm, I imagined such +a transfusion of heart and spirit, as that coalescing, and making one +body and soul with him, I was he, and he me. + +But all this pleasure tending, like life from its first instants, +towards its own dissolution, lived too fast not to bring on upon the +spur its delicious moment of mortality; for presently the approach +of the tender agony discovered itself by its usual signals, that were +quickly followed by my dear lover's emanation of himself, that spun out, +and shot, feelingly indeed! up the ravished indraught: where the sweetly +soothing balmy titillation opened all the juices of joy on my side, +which extatic-ally in flow helped to allay the prurient glow, and +drowned our pleasure for a while. Soon, however, to be on float +again! for Charles, true to nature's laws, in one breath, expiring +and ejaculating, languished not long in the dissolving trance, but +recovering spirit again, soon gave me to feel that the true mettle +spring! of his instrument of pleasure, were, by love, and perhaps, by a +long vacation, wound up too high to be let down by a single explosion: +his stiffnesss till stood my friend. Resuming then the action afresh, +without dislodging, or giving me the trouble of parting from my sweet +tenant, we played over again the same opera, with the same harmony and +concert: our ardours, like our love, knew no remission; and all the +tide serving my lover, lavish of his stores, and pleasure-milked, he +over-flowed me once more from the fulness of his oval reservoirs of the +genial emulsion: whilst, on my side, a convulsive grasp, in the +instant of my giving down the liquid contribution, rendered me sweetly +subservient at once to the increase of joy, and to its effusions: +moving me so, as to make me exert all those springs of the compressive +exsuction, with which the sensitive mechanism of that part thirstily +draws and drains the nipple of Love; with much such an instinctive +eagerness and attachment, as to compare great with less, kind nature +engages infants at the breasts, by the pleasure they find in the motion +of their little mouths and cheeks, to extract the milky stream prepared +for their nourishment. + +But still there was no end of his vigour: this double discharge had so +far from extinguished his desires, for that time, that it had not even +calmed them; and at his age, desires are power. He was proceeding then +amazingly to push it to a third triumph, still without uncasing, if a +tenderness, natural to true love, had not inspired me with self-denial +enough to spare, and not over-strain him: and accordingly, entreating +him to give himself and me quarter, I obtained, at length, a short +suspension of arms, but not before he had exult-ingly satisfied me that +he gave out standing. + +The remainder of the night, with what we borrowed upon the day, we +employed with unwearied fervour in celebrating thus the festival of our +remeeting; and got up pretty late in the morning, gay, brisk and alert, +though rest had been a stranger to us: but the pleasures of love had +been to us, what the joy of victory is to an army: repose, refreshment, +every thing. + +The journey into the country being now entirely out of the question, and +orders having been given overnight for turning the horses' heads towards +London, we left the inn as soon as we had breakfasted, not without a +liberal distribution of the tokens of my grateful sense of the happiness +I had met with in it. + +Charles and I were in my coach; the captain and my companion in a chaise +hired purposely for them, to leave us the conveniency of a tete a tete. + +Here, on the road, as the tumult of my senses was tolerably composed, I +had command enough of head to break properly to his the course of life +that the consequences of my separation from him had driven me into: +which, at the same time that he tenderly deplored with me, he was the +less shocked at; as, on reflecting how he had left me circumstances, he +could not be entirely unprepared for it. + +But when I opened the state of my fortune to him, and with that +sincerity which, from me to him, was so much a nature in me, I beged +of him his acceptance of it, on his own terms. I should appear to you +perhaps too partial to my passion, were I to attempt the doing his +delicacy justice, I shall content myself then with assuring you, that +after his flatly refusing the unreserved, unconditional donation that I +long persecuted him in vain to accept, it was at length, in obedience to +his serious commands (for I stood out unaffectedly, till he exerted the +sovereign authority which love had given him over me), that I yielded my +consent to waive the remonstrance I did not fail of making strongly +to him, against his degrading himself, and incurring the reflection, +however unjust, of having, for respects of fortune, bartered his honour +for infamy and prostitution, in making one his wife, who thought herself +too much honoured in being but his mistress. + +The plea of love then over-ruling all objections, for him, which he +could not but read the sincerity of in a heart ever open to him, obliged +me to receive his hand, by which means I was in pass, among other +innumerable blessings, to bestow a legal parentage on those fine +children you have seen by this happiest of matches. + +Thus, at length, I got snug into port, where, in the bosom of virtue, I +gathered the only uncorrupt sweets: where, looking back on the course +of vice I had run, and comparing its infamous blandishments with the +infinitely superior joys of innocence, I could not help pitying, even in +point of taste, those who, immersed in gross sensuality, are insensible +to the so delicate charms of VIRTUE, than which even PLEASURE has not +a greater friend, nor VICE a greater enemy. Thus temperance makes men +lords over those pleasures that intemperance enslaves them to: the +one, parent of health, vigour fertility cheerfulness, and every other +desirable good of life; the other, of diseases, debility, barrenness, +self-loathing, with only every evil incident to human nature. + +You laugh, perhaps, at this tail-piece of morality, extracted from me by +the force of truth, resulting from compared experiences: you think +it, no doubt, out of character; possibly too you may look on it as the +paultry finesse of one who seeks to mask a devotee to vice under a rag +of a veil, impudently smuggled from the shrine of Virtue: just as if one +was to fancy one's self completely disguised at a masquerade, with no +other change of dress than turning one's shoes into slippers; or, as if +a writer should think to shield a treasonable libel, by concluding it +with a formal prayer for the King. But, independent of my flattering +myself that you have a juster opinion of my sense and sincerity, give +me leave to represent to you, that such a supposition is even more +injurious to Virtue than to me: since, consistently with candour and +good nature, it san have no foundation but in the falsest of fears, that +its pleasures cannot stand in comparison with those of Vice; but let +truth dare to hold it up in its most alluring light: then mark, how +spurious, how low of taste, how comparatively inferior its joys are to +those which Virtue gives sanction to, and whose sentiments are not above +making even a sauce for the senses, but a sauce of the highest relish; +whilst Vices are the harpies that infect and foul the feast. The paths +of Vice are sometimes strewed with roses, but then they are for ever +infamous for many a thorn, for many a cankerworm: those of Virtue are +strewed with roses purely, and those eternally unfading ones. + +If you do me then justice, you will esteem me perfectly consistent in +the incense I burn to Virtue. If I have painted Vice in all its gayest +colours, if I have decked it with flowers, it has been solely in order +to make the worthier, the solemner sacrifice of it to Virtue. + +You know Mr. C*** O***, you know his estate, his worth, and good sense: +can you, will you pronounce it ill meant, at least of him, when anxious +for his son's morals, with a view to form him to virtue, and inspire him +with a fixed, a rational contempt for vice, he condescended to be his +master of the ceremonies, and led him by the hand through the most noted +bawdy-houses in town, where he took care he should be familiarized with +all those scenes of debauchery, so fit to nauseate a good taste? The +experiment, you will cry, is dangerous. True, on a fool: but are fools +worth so much attention. + +I shall see you soon, and in the mean time think candidly of me, and +believe me ever, + +MADAM, Yours, etc., etc., etc. X X X. + + + THE END + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Memoirs Of Fanny Hill, by John Cleland + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MEMOIRS OF FANNY HILL *** + +***** This file should be named 25305.txt or 25305.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/5/3/0/25305/ + +Produced by a Project Gutenberg Volunteer + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + http://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. diff --git a/old/2008-05-02-25305.zip b/old/2008-05-02-25305.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d953d2e --- /dev/null +++ b/old/2008-05-02-25305.zip diff --git a/old/2008-05-02_25305-h.zip b/old/2008-05-02_25305-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c26f8d1 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/2008-05-02_25305-h.zip diff --git a/old/2008-05-02_25305.zip b/old/2008-05-02_25305.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d953d2e --- /dev/null +++ b/old/2008-05-02_25305.zip diff --git a/old/25305.txt b/old/25305.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..fc4d99b --- /dev/null +++ b/old/25305.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7925 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Memoirs Of Fanny Hill, by John Cleland + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Memoirs Of Fanny Hill + A New and Genuine Edition from the Original Text (London, 1749) + +Author: John Cleland + +Release Date: May 2, 2008 [EBook #25305] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MEMOIRS OF FANNY HILL *** + + + +Produced by a Project Gutenberg Volunteer + + + + + +MEMOIRS OF FANNY HILL + +By John Cleland + +_A new and genuine edition from the original text (London, 1749)._ + +PARIS - ISIDORE LISEUX + +Of this Edition, privately printed, there are 350 numbered copies, of +which this is number 111. + + + + +LETTER THE FIRST + +I sit down to give you an undeniable proof of my considering your +desires as indispensable orders. Ungracious then as the task may be, I +shall recall to view those scandalous stages of my life, out of which I +emerged, at length, to the enjoyment of every blessing in the power of +love, health and fortune to bestow; whilst yet in the flower of youth, +and not too late to employ the leisure afforded me by great ease and +affluence, to cultivate an understanding, naturally not a despicable +one, and which had, even amidst the whirl of loose pleasures I had been +tossed in, exerted more observation on the characters and manners of +the world than what is common to those of my unhappy profession, who, +looking on all though or reflection as their capital enemy, keep it at +as great a distance as they can, or destroy it without mercy. + +Hating, as I mortally do, all long unnecessary prefaces, I shall give +you good quarter in this, and use no farther apology, than to prepare +you for seeing the loose part of my life, written with the same liberty +that I led it. + +Truth! stark, naked truth, is the word; and I will not so much as +take the pains to bestow the strip of a gauze wrapper on it, but paint +situations such as they actually rose to me in nature, careless of +violating those laws of decency that were never made for such unreserved +intimacies as ours; and you have too much sense, too much knowledge of +the originals, to sniff prudishly and out of character at the pictures +of them. The greatest men, those of the first and most leading taste, +will not scruple adorning their private closets with nudities, though, +in compliance with vulgar prejudices, they may not think them decent +decorations of the staircase, or salon. + +This, and enough, premised, I go souse into my personal history. +My maiden name was Frances Hill. I was born at a small village near +Liverpool, in Lancashire, of parents extremely poor, and, I piously +believe, extremely honest. + +My father, who had received a maim on his limbs, that disabled him +from following the more laborious branches of country drudgery, got, +by making nets, a scanty subsistence, which was not much enlarged by my +mother's keeping a little day-school for the girls in her neighborhood. +They had had several children; but none lived to any age except myself, +who had received from nature a constitution perfectly healthy. + +My education, till past fourteen, was no better than very vulgar: +reading, or rather spelling, an illegible scrawl, and a little ordinary +plain work, composed the whole system of it; and then all my foundation +in virtue was no other than a total ignorance of vice, and the shy +timidity general to our sex, in the tender age of life, when objects +alarm or frighten more by their novelty than anything else. But then, +this is a fear too often cured at the expense of innocence, when Miss, +by degrees, begins no longer to look on a man as a creature of prey that +will eat her. + +My poor mother had divided her time so entirely between her scholars +and her little domestic cares, that she had spared very little to my +instruction, having, from her own innocence from all ill, no hint or +thought of guarding me against any. + +I was now entering on my fifteenth year, when the worst of ills befell +me in the loss of my fond, tender parents, who were both carried off by +the small-pox, within a few days of each other; my father dying first, +and thereby by hastening the death of my mother: so that I was now left +an unhappy friendless orphan (for my father's coming to settle there, +was accidental, he being originally a Kentisrman). That cruel distemper +which had proved so fatal to them, had indeed seized me, but with such +mild and favourable symptoms, that I was presently out of danger, and +what then I did not know the value of, was entirely unmarked I skip over +here an account of the natural grief and affliction which I felt on +this melancholy occasion. A little time, and the giddiness of that age, +dissipated too soon my reflections on that irreparable loss; but nothing +contributed more to reconcile me to it, than the notions that were +immediately put into my head, of going to London, and looking out for +a service, in which I was promised all assistance and advice from one +Esther Davis, a young woman that had beer down to see her friends, and +who, after the stay of a few days, was returned to her place. + +As I had now nobody left alive in the village, who had concerned enough +about what should become of me, to start any objections to this scheme, +and the woman who took care of me after my parents' death, rather +encouraged me to pursue it, I soon came to a resolution of making this +launch into the wide world, by repairing to London, in order to seek my +fortune, a phrase which, by the bye, has ruined more adventurers of both +sexes, from the country, than ever it made or advanced. + +Nor did Esther Davis a little comfort and inspirit me to venture with +her, by piquing my childish curiosity with the fine sights that were to +be seen in London: the Tombs, the Lions, the King, the Royal Family, +the fine Plays and Operas, and, in short, all the diversions which fell +within her sphere of life to come at; the detail of all which perfectly +turned the little head of me. + +Nor can I remember, without laughing, the innocent admiration, not +without a spice of envy, with which we poor girls, whose church-going +clothes did not rise above dowlas shifts and stuff gowns, beplaced with +silver: all which we imagined grew in London, and entered for a great +deal into my determination of trying to come in for my share of them. + +The idea however of having the company of a towns-woman with her, was +the trivial, and all the motives that engaged Esther to take charge of +me during my journey to town, where she told me, after the manner and +style, "as how several maids out of the country had made themselves and +all their kind for ever: that by preserving their virtue, some had +taken so with their masters, that they had married them, and kept them +coaches, and lived vastly grand and happy; and some, may-hap, came to be +Duchesses; luck was all, and why not I, as well as another?"; with other +almanacs to this purpose, which set me a tip-toe to begin this promising +journey, and to leave a place which, though my native one, contained no +relations that I had reason to regret, and was grown insupportable to +me, from the change of the tenderest usage into a cold air of charity, +with which I was entertained, even at the only friend's house that I had +the least expectation of care and protection from. She was, however, so +just to me, as to manage the turning into money the little matters that +remained to me after the debts and burial charges were allowed for, and, +at my departure, put my whole fortune into my hands; which consisted +of a very slender wardrobe, packed up in a very portable box, and eight +guineas, with seventeen shillings in silver, stowed in a spring-pouch, +which was a greater treasure than I ever had seen together, and which I +could not conceive there was a possibility of running out; and indeed, I +was so entirely taken up with the joy of seeing myself mistress of such +an immence sum, that I gave very little attention to a world of good +advice which was given me with it. + +Places, then, being taken for Esther and me in the Chester waggon, I +pass over a very immaterial scene of leave-taking, at which I droped +a few tears betwixt grief and joy; and, for the same reasons of +insignificance, skip over all that happened to me on the road, such as +the waggoner's looking liquorish on me, the schemes laid for me by some +of the passengers, which were defeated by the valiance of my guardian +Esther; who, to do her justice, took a motherly care of me, at the +same time that she taxed me for the protection by making me bear all +travelling charges, which I defrayed with the unmost cheerfulness, and +thought myself much obliged to her into the bargain. + +She took indeed great care that we were not overrated, or imposed on, as +well as of managing as frugally as possible; expensiveness was not her +vice. + +It was pretty late in a summer evening when we reached the town, in our +slow conveyance, though drawn by six at length. As we passed through +the greatest streets that led to our inn, the noise, of the coaches, the +hurry, the crowds of foot passengers, in short, the new scenery of the +shops and houses, at once pleased and amazed me. + +But guess at my mortification and surprise when we came to the inn, and +our things were landed and delivered to us, when my fellow traveller and +protectress, Esther Davis, who had used me with the utmost tenderness +during the journey, and prepared me by no preceedings signs for the +stunning blow I was to receive, when I say, my only dependence and +friend, in this strange place, all of a sudden assumed a strange and +cool air towards me, as if she dreaded my becoming a burden to her. + +Instead, then, of proffering me the continuance of her assistance and +good offices, which I relied upon, and never more wanted, she thought +herself, it seems, abundantly acquitted of her engagements to me, by +having brought me safe to my journey's end, and seeing nothing in her +procedure towards me but what natural and in order, began to embrace me +by the way of taking leave, whilst I was so confounded, so struck, +that I had not spirit or sense enough so much as to mention my hopes +or expectations from her experience, and knowledge of the place she had +brought me to. + +Whilst I stood thus stupid and mute, which she doubtless attributed to +nothing more than a concern at parting, this idea procured me perhaps a +slight alleviation of it, in the following harangue: "That now we were +got safe to London, and that she was obliged to go to her place, she +advised me by all means to get into one as soon as possible; that I need +not fear getting one; there were more places than parish-churches; that +she advised me to go to an intelligence office; that if she heard of +any thing stirring, she would find me out and let me know; that in the +meantime, I should take a private lodging, and acquaint her where to +send to me; that she wished me good luck, and hoped I should always +have the grace to keep myself honest, and not bringing a disgrace on +my parentage." With this; she took her leave of me, and left me, as it +were, on my own hands, full as lightly as I had been put into hers. + +Left thus alone, absolutely destitute and friendless I began then to +feel most bitterly the severity of this separation, the scene of which +had passed in a little room in the inn; and no sooner was her back +turned, but the affliction I felt at my helpless strange circumstances, +burst out into a flood of tears, which infinitely relieved the oppression +of my heart; though I still remained stupified, and most perfectly +perplexed how to dispose of myself. + +One of the waiters coming in, added yet more to my uncertainty, by +asking me, in a short way, if I called for anything? to which I replied +innocently: "No." But I wished him to tell me where I might get a +lodging for that night. He said he would go and speak to his mistress, +who accordingly came, and told me drily, without entering in the least +into the distress she saw me in, that I might have a bed for a shilling, +and that, as she supposed I had some friends in town (there I fetched a +deep sigh in vain!), I might provide for myself in the morning. + +It is incredible what trifling consolations the human mind will seize +in its greatest afflictions. The assurance of nothing more than a bed to +lie on that night, calmed my agonies; and being ashamed to acquaint +the mistress of the inn that I had no friends to apply to in town, I +proposed to myself to proceed, the very next morning, to an intelligence +office, to which I was furnished with written directions on the back of +a ballad, Esther had given me. There I counted on getting information +of any place that such a country girl as I might be fit for, and where +I could get into any sort of being, before my little stock should be +consumed; and as to a character, Esther had often repeated to me, that I +might depend on her managing me one; nor, however affected I was at +her leaving me thus, did I entirely cease to rely on her, as I began to +think, good-naturedly, that her procedure was all in course, and that is +was only my ignorance of life that had made me take it in the light I at +first did. + +Accordingly, the next morning I dressed myself as clean and as neat as +my rustic wardrobe would permit me; and having left my box, with special +recommendation, with the landlady, I ventured out by myself, and without +any more difficulty than can be supposed of a young country girl, barely +fifteen, and to whom every sign or shop was a gazing trap, I got to the +wished for intelligence office. + +It was kept by an elderly woman, who sat at the receipt of custom, with +a book before her in great form and order, and several scrolls made out, +of directions for places. + +I made up then to this important personage, without lifting up my eyes +or observing any of the people round me, who were attending there on the +same errand as myself, and dropping her curtsies nine deep, just made a +shift to stammer out my business to her. + +Madam heard me out, with all the gravity and brow of a petty minister +of State, and seeing at one glance over my figure what I was, made me no +answer, but to ask me the preliminary shilling, on receipt of which she +told me places for women too slight built for hard work: but that she +would look over her book, and see what was to be done for me, desiring +me to stay a little, till she had dispatched some other customers. + +On this I drew back a little, most heartily mortified at a declaration +which carried with it a killing uncertainly, that my circumstances could +not well endure. + +Presently, assuming more courage, and seeking some diversion from my +uneasy thoughts, I ventured to lift up my head a little, and sent my +eyes on a course round the room, where they met full tilt with those +of a lady (for such my extreme innocence pronounced her) sitting in a +corner of the room, dressed in a velvet mantle (in the midst of summer), +with her bonnet off; squat, fat, red-faced, and at least fifty. + +She looked as if she would devour me with her eyes, staring at me from +head to foot, without the least regard to the confusion and blushes her +eyeing me so fixedly put me to, and which were to her, no doubt, the +strongest recommendation and marks of my being fit for her purpose. +After a little time, in which my air, person and whole figure had +undergone a strict examination, which I had, on my part, tried to render +favourable to me, by primming, drawing up my neck, and setting my best +looks, she advanced and spoke to me with the greatest demureness: + +"Sweet-heart, do you want a place? + +"Yes, and please you," (with a curtsey down to the ground). + +Upon this she acquainted me she was actually come to the office herself, +to look out for a servant; that she believed I might do, with a little +of her instruction; that she could take my very looks for a sufficient +character; that London was a very wicked, vile, place; that she hoped I +would be tractable, and keep out of bad company; in short, she said all +to me that an old experienced practitioner in town could think of, +and which was much more than was necessary to take in an artless +inexperienced country maid, who was even afraid of becoming a wanderer +about the streets, and therefore gladly jumped at the first offer of a +shelter, especially from so grave and matron-like a lady, for such +my flattering fancy assured me this new mistress of mine was, I being +actually hired under the nose of the good woman that kept the office, +whose shrewed smiles and shrugs I could not help observing, and +innocently interpreted them as marks of being pleased at my getting +into place so soon: but, as I afterwards came to know, these Beldams +understood one another very well, and this was a market where Mrs. +Brown, my mistress, frequently attended, on the watch for any fresh +goods that might offer there, for the use of her customers, and her own +profit. + +Madam was, however, so well pleased with her bargain that fearing I +presume, lest better advice or some accident might occasion my slipping +through her fingers, she would officiously take me in a coach to my inn, +where, calling herself for my box, it was, I being present, delivered +without the least scruple or explanation as to where I was going. + +This being over, she bid the coachman drive to a shop in St. Paul's +Churchyard, where she bought a pair of gloves, which she gave me, and +thence renewed her directions to the coachman to drive to her house in +------ street, who accordingly landed us at the door, after I had been +cheered up and entertained by the way with the most plausible flams, +without one syllable from which I could conclude anything but that I was, +by the greatest luck, fallen into the hands of kindest mistress, not to +say friend, that the vast world could afford; and accordingly I entered +her doors with most complete confidence and exultation, promising, +myself that, as soon as I could be a little settled, I would acquaint +Esther Davis with my rare good fortune. + +You may be sure the good opinion of my place was not lessened by the +appearance of a very handsome back parlor, into which I was led and +which seemed to me magnificently furnished, who had never seen better +rooms than the ordinary ones in inns upon the road. There were two gilt +pier-glasses, and a buffet, on which a few pieces of plate, set out to +the most shew, dazzled, and altogether persuaded me that I must be got +into a very reputable family. + +Here my mistress first began her part, with telling me that I must have +good spirits, and learn to be free with her; that she had not taken me +to be a common servant, to do domestic drudgery, but to be a kind of +companion to her; and that if I would be a good girl, she would do +more than twenty mothers for me; to all which I answered only by the +profoundest and the awkwardest curtsies, and a few monosyllables, such +as "'yes! no! to be sure!" + +Presently my mistress touched the bell, and in came a strapping +maid-servant, who had let us in. "Here, Martha," said Mrs. Brown, "I +have just hired this young woman to look after my linen; so step up and +show her her chamber; and I charge you to use her with as much respect +as you would myself, for I have taken a prodigious liking to her, and I +do not know what I shall do for her." + +Martha, who was an arch-jade, and, being used to this decoy, had her +cue perfect, made me a kind of half curtsy, and asked me to walk up +with her; and accordingly showed me a neat room, two pair of stairs +backwards, in which there was a handsome bed, where Martha told me I was +to lie with a young gentlewoman, a cousin of my mistress, who she was +sure would be vastly good to me. Then she ran out into such affected +encomiums on her good mistress! her sweet mistress! and how happy I +was to light upon her! and that I could not have bespoke a better; with +other the like gross stuff, such as would itself have started suspicions +in any but such an unpractised simpleton, who was perfectly new to +life, and who took every word she said in the very sense she laid out +for me to take it; but she readily saw what a penetration she had to +deal with, and measured me very rightly in her manner of whistling to +me, so as to make me pleased with my cage, and blind to the wires. + +In the midst of these false explanations of the nature of my future +service, we were rung for down again, and I was reintroduced into the +same parlour, where there was a table laid with three covers; and my +mistress had now got with her one of her favourite girls, a notable +manager of her house, and whose business it was to prepare and +break such young fillies as I was to the mounting block; and she was +accordingly, in that view, alloted me for a bed-fellow, and, to give her +the more authority, she had the title of cousin conferred on her by the +venerable president of this college. + +Here I underwent a second survey, which ended in the full approbation +of Mrs. Phoebe Ayres, the name of my tutoress elect, to whose care and +instruction I was affectionately recommended. + +Dinner was now set on table, and in pursuance of treating me as +a companion, Mrs. Brown, with a tone to cut off all dispute, soon +over-ruled my most humble and most confused protestations against +sitting down with her Ladyship, which my very short breeding just +suggested to me could not be right, or in the order of things. + +At table, the conversation was chiefly kept up by the two madams and +carried on in double meaning expressions, interrupted every now and then +by kind assurances to me, all tending to confirm and fix my satisfaction +with my present condition: augment it they could not, so very a novice +was I then. + +It was here agreed that I should keep myself up and out of sight for a +few days, till such clothes could be procured for me as were fit for +the character I was to appear in, of my mistress's companion, observing +withal, that on the first impressions of my figure much might depend; +and, as they rightly judged, the prospect of exchanging my country +clothes for London finery, made the clause of confinement digest +perfectly well with me. But the truth was, Mrs. Brown did not care that +I should be seen or talked to by any, either of her customers, or her +Does (as they called the girls provided for them), till she secured a +good market for my maidenhead, which I had at least all the appearances +of having brought into her Ladyship's service. + +To slip over minutes of no importance to the main of my story, I pass +the interval to bed time, in which I was more and more pleased with the +views that opened to me, of an easy service under these good people; and +after supper being shewed up to bed, Miss Phoebe, who observed a kind +of reluctance in me to strip and go to bed, in my shift, before her, now +the maid was withdrawn, came up to me, and beginning with unpinning +my handkerchief and gown, soon encouraged me to go on with undressing +myself; and, blushing at now seeing myself naked to my shift, I hurried +to get under the bed-clothes out of sight. + +Phoebe laughed and was not long before she placed herself by my side. +She was about five and twenty, by her most suspicious account, in which, +according to all appearances, she must have sunk at least ten good +years; allowance, too, being made for the havoc which a long course of +hackneyship and hot waters must have made of her constitution, and which +had already brought on, upon the spur, that stale stage in which those +of her profession are reduced to think of showing company, instead of +seeing it. + +No sooner then was this precious substitute of my mistress laid down, +but she, who was never out of her way when any occasion of lewdness +presented itself, turned to me, embraced and kissed me with great +eagerness. This was new, this was odd; but imputing it to nothing but +pure kindness, which, for ought I knew, it might be the London way to +express in that manner, I was determined not to be behind-hand with her, +and returned her the kiss and embrace, with all the fervour that perfect +innocence knew. + +Encouraged by this, her hands became extremely free, and wandered over +my whole body, with touches, squeezes, pressures, that rather warmed and +surprised me with their novelty, than they either shocked or alarmed me. + +The flattering praises she intermingled with these invasions, +contributed also not a little to bribe my passiveness; and, knowing no +ill, I feared none, especially from one who had prevented all doubts +of her womanhood, by conducting my hands to a pair of breasts that hung +loosely down, in a size and volume that full sufficiently distinguished +her sex, to me at least, who had never made any other comparison. + +I lay then all tame and passive as she could wish, whilst her freedom +raised no other emotion but those of a strange, and, till then, unfelt +pleasure. Every part of me was open and exposed to the licentious +courses of her hands, which, like a lambent fire, ran over my whole +body, and thawed all coldness as they went. + +My breasts, if it is not too bold a figure to call so two hard, firm, +rising hillocks, that just began to shew themselves, or signify anything +to the touch, employed and amused her hands awhile, till, slipping down +lower, over a smooth track, she could just feel the soft silky down that +had but a few months before put forth and garnished the mount-pleasant +of those parts, and promised to spread a grateful shelter over the sweet +seat of the most exquisite sensation, and which had been, till that +instant, the seat of the most insensible innocence. Her fingers played +and strove to twine in the young tendrils of that moss, which nature has +contrived at once for use and ornament. + +But, not contented with these outer posts, she now attempts the main +spot, and began to twitch, to insinuate, and at length to force an +introduction of a finger into the quick itself, in such a manner, that +had she not proceeded by insensible gradations that inflamed me beyond +the power of modesty to oppose its resistance to their progress, I +should have jumped out of bed and cried for help against such strange +assaults. + +Instead of which, her lascivious touches had lighted up a new fire that +wantoned through all my veins, but fixed with violence in that center +appointed them by nature, where the first strange hands were now busied +in feeling, squeezing, compressing the lips, then opening them again, +with a finger between, till an "Oh!" expressed her hurting me, where the +narrowness of the unbroken passage refused it entrance to any depth. + +In the meantime, the extension of my limbs, languid stretching, sighs, +short heavings, all conspired to as-ure that experienced wanton that I +was more pleased than offended at her proceedings, which she seasoned +with repeated kisses and exclamations, such as "Oh! what a charming +creature thou art! What a happy man will he be that first makes a woman +of you! Oh! that I were a man for your sake!" with the like broken +expressions, interrupted by kisses as fierce and salacious as ever I +received from the other sex. + +For my part, I was transported, confused, and out of myself; feelings so +new were too much for me. My heated and alarmed senses were in a tumult +that robbed me of all liberty of thought; tears of pleasure gushed from +my eyes, and somewhat assuaged the fire that raged all over me. + +Phoebe, herself, the hackneyed, thorough-bred Phoebe, to whom all modes +and devices of pleasure were known and familiar, found, it seems, +in this exercise her those arbitrary tastes, for which there is no +accounting. Not that she hated men, or did not even prefer them to her +own sex; but when she met with such occasions as this was, a satiety +of enjoyments in the common road, perhaps, too a great secret bias, +inclined her to make the most of pleasure, wherever she could find it, +without distinction of sexes. In this view, now well assured that she +had, by her touches, sufficiently inflamed me for her purpose, she +rolled down the bed clothes gently, and I saw myself stretched naked, +my shift being turned up to my neck, whilst I had no power or sense to +oppose it. Even my growing blushes expressed more desire than modesty, +whilst the candle, left (to be sure not undesignedly) burning, threw a +full light on my whole body. + +"No!" says Phoebe, "you must not, my sweet girl, think to hide all these +treasures from me. My sight must be feasted as my touch. I must devour +with my eyes this springing bosom. Suffer me to kiss it. I have not seen +it enough. Let me kiss it once more. What firm, smooth, white flesh is +here! How delicately shaped! Then this delicious down! Oh! let me view +the small, dear, tender cleft! This is too much, I cannot bear it! I +must! I must!" Here she took my hand, and in a transport carried it +where you will easily guess. But what a difference in the state of the +same thing! A spreading thicket of bushy curls marked the full grown, +complete woman. Then the cavity to which she guided my hand easily +received it; and as soon as she felt it within her, she moved herself to +and fro, with so rapid a friction, that I presently withdrew it, wet +and clammy, when instantly Phoebe grew more composed, after two or +three sighs, and heart-fetched Oh's! and giving me a kiss that seemed to +exhale her soul through her lips, she replaced the bed-clothes over us. +What pleasure she had found I will not say; but this I know, that the +first sparks of kindling nature, the first ideas of pollution, were +caught by me that night; and that the acquaintance and communication +with the bad of our sex, is often as fatal to innocence as all the +seductions of the other. But to go on. When Phoebe was restored to that +calm, which I was far from the enjoyment of myself, she artfully sounded +me on all the points necessary to govern the designs of my virtuous +mistress on me, and by my answers, drawn from pure undissembled nature, +she had no reason but to promise herself all imaginable success, so far +as it depended on my ignorance, easiness and warmth of constitution. + +After a sufficient length of dialogue, my bedfellow left me to my rest, +and I fell asleep, through pure weariness, from the violent emotions +I had been led into, when nature which had been too warmly stirred and +fermented to subside without allaying by some means or other relieved +me by one of those luscious dreams, the transports of which are scarce +inferior to those of waking real action. + +In the morning I awoke about ten, perfectly gay and refreshed. Phoebe +was up before me, and asked me in the kindest manner how I did, how I +had rested, and if I was ready for breakfast? carefully, at the same +time, avoiding to increase the confusion she saw I was in, at looking +her in the face, by any hint of the night's bed scene. I told her if she +pleased I would get up, and begin any work she would be pleased to set +me about. She smiled; presently the maid brought in the tea equipage, +and I just huddled my clothes on, when in waddled my mistress. I +expected no less than to be told of, if not chid for, my late rising, +when I was most agreeably disappointed by her compliments on my pure +and fresh looks. I was "a bud of beauty" (this was her style), "and how +vastly all the fine men would admire me!" to all which my answers did +not, I can assure you, wrong my breeding; they were as simple and silly +as they could wish, and, no doubt, flattered them infinitely more than +had they proved me enlightened by education and a knowledge of the +world. + +We breakfasted, and the tea things were scarce removed, when in were +brought two bundles of linen and wearing apparel: in short, all the +necessaries for rigging me out, as they termed it, completely. + +Imagine to yourself, Madam, how my little coquet heart fluttered with +joy at the sight of a white lutestring, flowered with silver, scoured +indeed, but passed on me for spick and span new, a Brussels lace cap, +braited shoes, and the rest in proportion, all second-hand finery, and +procured instantly for the occasion, by the diligence and industry of +the good Mrs. Brown, who had already a chapman for me in the house, +before whom my charms were to pass in review; for he had not only, +in course, insisted on a previous sight of the premises, but also +on immediate surrendering to him, in case of his agreeing for me; +concluding very wisely, that such a place as I was in, was of the +hottest to trust the keeping of such a perishable commodity in, as a +maidenhead. + +The care of dressing and tricking me out for the market, was then left +to Phoebe, who acquitted herself, if not well, at least perfectly to the +satisfaction of everything but my impatience of seeing myself dressed. +When it was over, and I viewed myself in the glass, I was no doubt, too +natural, too artless, to hide my childish joy at the change: a change, +in the real truth, for much the worse, since I must have much better +become the neat easy simplicity of my rustic dress than the awkward, +untoward, tawdry finery that I could not conceal my strangeness to. + +Phoebe's compliments, however, in which her own share in dressing me was +not forgot, did not a little confirm me in the first notions I had ever +entertained concerning my person; which, be it said without vanity, was +then tolerable to justify a taste for me, and of which it may not be out +of place here to sketch you an unflattered picture. + +I was tall, yet not too tall for my age, which, as I before remarked, +was barely turned of fifteen; my shape perfectly straight, thin waisted, +and light and free without owing anything to stays; my hair was a glossy +auburn, and as soft as silk, flowing down my neck in natural curls, and +did not a little to set off the whiteness of a smooth skin; my face was +rather too ruddy, though its features were delicate, and the shape was a +roundish oval, except where a pit on my chin had far from a disagreeable +effect; my eyes were as black as can be imagined, and rather languishing +than sparkling, except on certain occasions, when I have been told they +struck fire fast enough; my teeth, which I ever carefully preserved, +were small, even and white; my bosom was finely raised, and one might +then discern rather the promise than the actual growth of the round, +firm breast, that in a little time made that promise good. In short, all +the points of beauty that are most universally in request, I had, or at +least my vanity forbid me to appeal from the decision of our sovereign +judges the men, who all, that I ever knew at last, gave it thus highly +in my favour; and I met with, even in my own sex, some that were +above denying me that justice, whilst others praised me yet more +unsuspectedly, by endeavouring to detract from me, in points of person +and figure that I obviously excelled in. This is, I own, too strong +of self praise; but I should be ungrateful to nature, and to a form to +which I owe such singular blessings of pleasure and fortune, were I +to suppress, through an affectation of modesty, the mention of such +valuable gifts. + +Well then, dressed I was, and little did it then enter into my head +that all this gay attire was no more than decking the victim out for +sacrifice, whilst I innocently attributed all to mere friendship and +kindness in the sweet good Mrs. Brown; who, I was forgetting to mention, +had, under pretence of keeping my money safe, got from me, without the +least hesitation, the driblet (so I now call it) which remained to me +after the expenses of my journey. + +After some little time most agreebly spent before the glass, in scarce +self-admiration, since my new dress had by much the greatest share in +it, I was sent for down to the parlour, where the old lady saluted me, +and wished me joy of my new clothes, which she was not ashamed to say, +fitted me as if I had worn nothing but the finest all my life-time; but +what was it she could not see me silly enough to swallow? At the same +time, she presented me to another cousin of her own creation, an elderly +gentleman, who got up, at my entry into the room, and on my dropping a +curtsy to him, saluted me, and seemed a little affronted that I had +only presented my cheek to him: a mistake, which, if one, he immediately +corrected, by gluing his lips to mine, with an ardour which his figure +had not at all disposed me to thank him for: his figure, I say, than +which nothing could be more shocking or detestable: for ugly and +disagreeable were terms too gentle to convey a just idea of it. + +Imagine to yourself, a man rather past threescore, short and ill-made, +with a yellow cadaverous hue, great goggle eyes, that stared as if he +was strangled; an out-mouth from two more properly tusks than teeth, +livid lips, and breath like a Jake's: then he had a peculiar ghastliness +in his grin, that made him perfectly frightful, if not dangerous to +women with child; yet, made as he was thus in mock of man, he was +so blind to his own staring deformities, as to think himself born to +please, and that no woman could see him with impunity: in consequence +of which idea, he had lavished great sums on such wretches as could gain +upon themselves to pretend love to his person, whilst to those who had +not art or patience to dissemble the horror it inspired, he behaved even +brutally. Impotence, more than necessity, made him seek in variety, the +provocative that was wanting to raise him to the pitch of enjoyment, +which he too often saw himself baulked of, by the failure of his powers: +and this always threw him into a fit of rage, which he wreaked, as far +as he durst, on the innocent objects of his fit of momentary desire. + +This then was the master to which my conscientious benefactress, who had +long been his purveyor in this way, had doomed me, and sent for me down +purposely for his examination. Accordingly she made me stand up before +him, turned me round, unpinned my handkerchief, remarked to him the rise +and fall, the turn and whiteness of a bosom just beginning to fill; then +made me walk, and took even a handle from the rusticity of my charms: in +short, she omitted no point of jockeyship; to which he only answered by +gracious nods of approbation, whilst he looked goats and monkeys at +me: for I sometimes stole a corner glance at him, and encountering his +fiery, eager stare, looked another way from pure horror and affright, +which he, characteristically, attributed to nothing more than maiden +modesty, or at least the affectation of it. + +However, I was soon dismissed, and reconducted to my room by Phoebe, +who stuck close to me, not leaving me alone, and at leisure to make such +reflections as might naturally rise to any one, not an idiot, on such a +scene as I had just gone through; but to my shame be it confessed, that +just was my invincible stupidity, or rather portentous innocence, that +I did not yet open my eyes to Mrs. Brown's designs, and saw nothing in +this titular cousin of hers but a shockingly hideous person, which did +not at all concern me, unless that my gratitude for my benefactress made +me extend my respect to all her cousinhood. + +Phoebe, however, began to sift the state and pulses of my heart toward +this monster, asking me how I should approve of such a fine gentelman +for a husband. (Fine gentleman, I suppose she called him, from his being +daubed with lace.) I answered her very naturally, that I had no thoughts +of a husband, but that if I was to choose one, it should be among my own +degree, sure! so much had my aversion to that wretch's hideous figure +indisposed me to all "fine gentlemen," and confounded my ideas, as if +those of that rank had been necessarily cast in the same mould that +he was. But Phoebe was not to be put off so, but went on with her +endeavours to melt and soften me for the purposes of my reception into +that hospitable house: and whilst she talked of the sex in general, she +had no reason to despair of a compliance, which more than one reason +showed her would be easily enough obtained of me; but then she had too +much experience not to discover that my particular fixed aversion to +that frightful cousin would be a block not so readily to be removed, as +suited the consummation of their bargain, and sale of me. + +Mother Brown had in the meantime agreed the terms with this loquorice +old goat, which I afterwards understood were to be fifty guineas +peremptory, for the liberty of attempting me, and a hundred more at the +complete gratification of his desires, in the triumph over my virginity: +and as for me, I was to be left entirely at the discretion of his liking +and generosity. This unrighteous contract being thus settled, he was so +eager to be put in possession, that he insisted on being introduced to +drink tea with me that afternoon, when we were to be left alone; nor +would he hearken to the procuress's remonstrances, that I was not +sufficiently prepared, and ripened for such an attack; that I was too +green and untamed, having been scarce twenty-four hours in the house: +it is the character of lust to be impatient, and his vanity arming him +against any supposition of other than the common resistance of a maid +on those occasions, made him reject all proposals of a delay, and my +dreadful trial was thus fixed, unknown to me, for that very evening. + +At dinner, Mrs. Brown and Phoebe did nothing but run riot in praise of +this wonderful cousin, and how happy that woman would be that he would +favour with his addresses; in short my two gossips exhausted all +their rhetoric to persuade me to accept them: "that the gentleman was +violently smitten with me at first sight; that he would make my fortune +if I would be a good girl and not stand in my own light; that I should +trust his honour; that I should be made for ever, and have a chariot to +go abroad in," with all such stuff as was fit to turn the head of such +a silly ignorant girl as I then was: but luckily here my aversion had +taken already such deep root in me, my heart was so strongly defended +from him by my senses, that wanting the art to mask my sentiments, I +gave them no hopes of their employer succeeding, at least very easily, +with me. The glass too marched pretty quick, with a view, I suppose, to +make a friend of the warmth of my constitution, in the minutes of the +imminent attack. + +Thus they kept me pretty long at table, and about six in the evening, +after I had retired to my apartment, and the tea board was set, enters +my venerable mistress, followed close by that satyr, who came in +grinning in a way peculiar to him, and by his odious presence, confirmed +me in all the sentiments of detestation which his first appearance had +given birth to. + +He sat down fronting me, and all tea time kept ogling me in a manner +that gave me the utmost pain and confusion, all the mark of which he +still explained to be my bashfulness, and not being used to see company. + +Tea over, the commoding old lady pleady urgent business (which indeed +was true) to go out, and earnestly desired me to entertain her cousin +kindly till she came back, both for my own sake and her; and then, with +a "Pray, sir, be very good, be very tender to the sweet child," she went +out of the room, leaving me staring, with my mouth open, and unprepared +by the suddenness of her departure, to oppose it. + +We were now alone; and on that idea a sudden fit of trembling seized +me. I was so afraid, without a precise notion of why, and what I had +to fear, that I sat on the settee, by the fire side, motionless and +petrified, without life or spirit, not knowing how to look or how to +stir. + +But long I was not suffered to remain in this state of stupefaction: the +monster squatted down by me on the settee, and without farther ceremony +or preamble, flings his arms about my neck, and drawing me pretty +forcibly towards him, obliged me to receive, in spite of my struggles +to disengage from him, his pestilential kisses, which quite overcame me. +Finding me then next to senseless, and unresisting, he tears off my neck +handkerchief, and laid all open there, to his eyes and hands: still +I endured all without flinching, till emboldened by my sufferance and +silence, for I had not the power to speak or cry out, he attempted to +lay me down on the settee, and I felt his hand on the lower part of my +naked thighs, which were crossed, and which he endeavoured to unlock. Oh +then! I was roused out of my passive endurance, and springing from him +with an activity he was not prepared for, threw myself at his feet, and +begged him, in the most moving tone, not to be rude, and that he would +not hurt me. "Hurt you, my dear?" says the brute, "I intend you no +harm. Has not the old lady told you that I love you? that I shall do +handsomely by you?" + +"She has indeed, sir," said I, "but I cannot love you, indeed I cannot! +pray let me alone! yes! I will love you dearly if you will let me alone +and go away." But I was talking to the wind, for whether my tears, +my attitude, or the disorder of my dress proved fresh incentives, or +whether he was now under the dominion of desires he could not bridle, +but snorting and foaming with lust and rage, he renews his attack, +seizes me, and again attempts to extend and fix me on the settee: +in which he succeeded so far as to lay me along, and even to toss my +petticoats over my head, and lay my thighs bare, which I obstinately +kept close, nor could he, though he attempted with his knee to force +them open, effect it so as to stand fair for being master of the main +avenue; he was unbuttoned, both waistcoat and breeches, yet I only +felt the weight of his body upon me, whilst I lay struggling with +indignation, and dying with terrors; but he stopped all of a sudden, and +got off, panting, blowing, cursing, and repeating "old and ugly!" for so +I had very naturally called him in the heat of my defence. + +The brute had, it seems, as I afterwards understood, brought on, by +his eagerness and struggle, the ultimate period of his hot fit of +lust, which his power was too short-lived to carry him through the full +execution of; of which my thighs and linen received the effusion. + +When it was over he bid me, with a tone of displeasure, get up: "that he +would not do me the honour to think of me any more; that the old b----h +might look out for another cully; that he would not be fooled so by +ever a country mock modesty in England; that he supposed I had left my +maidenhead with some hobnail in the country, and was come to dispose of +my skim-milk in town" with a volley of the like abuse; which I listened +to with more pleasure than ever fond woman did to protestations of +love from her darling minion: for, incapable as I was of receiving any +addition to my perfect hatred and aversion to him, I looked on this +railing, as my security against his renewing his most odious caress. + +Yet, plain as Mrs. Brown's views were now come out, I had not the +heart, or spirit to open my eyes to them: still I could not part with +my dependence on that beldam, so much did I think myself hers, soul and +body: or rather, I sought to deceive myself with the continuation of my +good opinion of her, and choose to wait the worst at her hands, sooner +than be turned out to starve in the streets, without a penny of money or +a friend to apply to these fears were my folly. + +While this confusion of ideas was passing in my head, and I sat +pensively by the fire, with my eyes brimming with tears, my neck still +bare, and my cap fallen off in the struggle, so that my hair was in the +disorder you may guess, the villain's lust began, I suppose, to be again +in flow, at the sight of all that bloom of youth which presented itself +to his view, a bloom yet unenjoyed, and of course not yet indifferent to +him. + +After some pause, he asked me with a tone of voice mightily softer, +whether I would make it up with him before the old lady returned, and +all should be well; he would restore me to his affections, at the +same time offering to kiss me and feel my breasts. But now my extreme +aversion, my fears, my indignation, all acting upon me, gave me a spirit +not natural to me, so that breaking loose from him, I ran to the bell +and rang it, with such violence and effect as to bring up the maid to +know what was the matter, or whether the gentleman wanted anything; and +before he could proceed to greater extremities, she bounced into the +room, and seeing me stretched on the floor, my hair all dishevelled, my +nose gushing out blood, which did not a little tragedize the scene, and +my odious persecutor still intent of pushing his brutal point, unmoved +by all my cries and distress, she was herself confounded and did not +know what to do. + +As much, however, as Martha might be prepared and hardened to +transactions of this sort, all womanhood must have been out of her heart +could she have seen this unmoved. Besides that, on the face of things, +she imagined that matters had gone greater lengths than they really had, +and that the courtesy of the house had been actually consummated on me, +and flung: me into the condition I was in: in this notion she instantly +took my part, and advised the gentleman to go down and leave me to +recover myself, and "that all would be soon over with me; that when +Mrs. Brown and Phoebe, who were gone out, were returned, they would take +order for everything to his satisfaction; that nothing would be lost by +a little patience with the poor tender thing; that for her part she was +frightened; she could not tell what to say to such doings; but that she +would stay by me till my mistress came home." As the wench said all +this in a resolute tone, and the monster himself began to perceive that +things would not mend by his staying, he took his hat and went out of +the room murmuring and pitting his brows like an old ape, so that I was +delivered from the horrors of his detestable presence. + +As soon as he was gone, Martha very tenderly offered me her assistance +in anything, and would have got me some hartshorn drops and put me to +bed; which last I, at first, positively refused, in the fear that the +monster might return and take me at that disadvantage. However, with +much persuasion and assurances that I should not be molested that night +she prevailed on me to lie down; and indeed I was so weakened by my +struggles, so dejected by my fearful apprehension, so terror-struck, +that I had not power to sit up, or hardly to give answers to the +questions with which the curious Martha plied and perplexed me. + +Such too, and so cruel was my fate, that I dreaded the sight of Mrs. +Brown, as if I had been the criminal, and she the person injured; a +mistake which you will not think so strange, on distinguishing that +neither virtue nor principles had the least share in the defence I had +made, but only the particular aversion I had conceived against this +first brutal and frightful invader of my tender innocence. + +I passed then the time till Mrs. Brown came home, under all the +agitations of fear and despair that may easily be guessed. + +About eleven at night my two ladies came home, and having received +rather a favourable account from Martha, who had run down to let them +in, for Mr. Crofts (that was the name of my brute) was gone out of the +house, after waiting till he had tired his patience for Mrs. Brown's +return, they came thundering up stairs, and seeing me pale, my face +bloody, and all the marks of the most thorough dejection, they employed +themselves more to comfort and re-inspirit me than in making me the +reproaches I was weak enough to fear, I who had so many juster and +stronger to retort upon them. + +Mrs. Brown withdrawn, Phoebe came presently to bed to me, and what +with the answers she drew from me, what with her own method of palpably +satisfying herself, she soon discovered that I had been more frightened +than hurt; upon which I suppose, being herself seized with sleep, and +reserving her lectures and instructions till the next morning, she left +me, properly speaking, to my unrest; for, later tossing and turning +the greatest part of the night, and tormenting myself with the falsest +notions and apprehensions of things, I fell, through mere fatigue into +a kind of delirious doze, out of which I waked late in the morning, in +a violent fever: a circumstance which was extremely critical to reprieve +me, at least for a time, from the attacks of a wretch, infinitely more +terrible to me than death itself. + +The interested care that was taken of me during my illness, in order to +restore me to a condition of making good the bawd's engagements, or of +enduring further trials, had, however, such an effect on my grateful +disposition that I even thought myself obliged to my un-doers for their +attention to promote my recovery; and, above all, for the keeping out +of my sight of that brutal ravisher, the author of my disorder, on their +finding I was too strongly moved at the bare mention of his name. + +Youth is soon raised, and a few days were sufficient to conquer the fury +of my fever: but, what contributed most to my perfect recovery and to my +reconciliation with life, was the timely news that Mr. Crofts, who was a +merchant of considerable dealings, was arrested at the King's suit, +for nearly forty thousand pounds, on account of his driving a certain +contraband trade, and that his affairs were so desperate, that even were +it in his inclination, it would not be in his power to renew his designs +upon me: for he was instantly thrown into a prison, which it was not +likely he would get out of in haste. + +Mrs. Brown, who had touched his fifty guineas, advanced to so little +purpose, and lost all hopes of the remaining hundred, began to look upon +my treatment of him with a more favourable eye; and as they had observed +my temper to be perfectly tractable and conformable to their views, all +the girls that composed her flock were suffered to visit me, and had +their cue to dispose me, by their conversation, to a perfect resignation +of myself to Mrs. Brown's direction. + +Accordingly they were let in upon me, and all that frolic and +thoughtless gaiety in which those giddy creatures consume either +leisure, made me envy a condition of which I only saw the fair side; +insomuch, that the being one of them became even my ambition: a +disposition which they all carefully cultivated; and I wanted now +nothing but to restore my health, that I might be able to undergo the +ceremony of the initiation. + +Conversation, example, in short all, contributed, in that house, to +corrupt my native parity, which had taken no root in education; whilst +now the inflammable principal of pleasure, so easily fired at my age, +made strange work within me, and all the modesty I was brought up in the +habit, not the instruction of, began to melt away like dew before the +sun's heat; not to mention that I made a vice of necessity, from the +constant fears I had of being turned out to starve. + +I was soon pretty well recovered, and at certain hours allowed to range +all over the house, but cautiously kept from seeing any company till the +arrival of Lord B----, from Bath, to whom Mrs. Brown, in respect to his +experienced generosity on such occasions, proposed to offer the perusal +of that trinket of mine, which bears so great an imaginary value; and +his lordship being expected in town in less than a fortnight, Mrs. Brown +judged I would be entirely renewed in beauty and freshness by that time, +and afforded her the chance of a better bargain than she had driven with +Mr. Crofts. + +In the meantime, I was so thoroughly, as they call it, brought over, so +tame to their whistle, that, had my cage door been set open, I had no +idea that I ought to fly anywhere, sooner than stay where I was; nor had +I the least sense of regretting my condition, but waited very quietly +for whatever Mrs. Brown should order concerning me; who on her side, by +herself and her agents, took more than the necessary precautions to lull +and lay asleep all just reflections on my destiny. + +Preachments of morality over the left shoulder; a life of joy painted in +the gayest colours; caresses, promises, indulgent treatment; nothing, +in short, was wanting to domesticate me entirely and to prevent my going +out anywhere to get better advice. Alas! I dreamed of no such thing. + +Hitherto I had been indebted only to the girls of the house for the +corruption of my innocence: their luscious talk, in which modesty was +far from respected, their description of their engagements with men, +had given me a tolerable insight into the nature and mysteries of their +profession, at the same time that they highly provoked an itch of florid +warm-spirited blood through every vein: but above all, my bed fellow +Phoebe, whose pupil I more immediately was, exerted her talents in +giving me the first tinctures of pleasure: whilst nature, now warmed +and wantoned with discoveries so interesting, piqued a curiosity which +Phoebe artfully whetted, and leading me from question to question of her +own suggestion, explained to me all the mysteries of Venus. But I could +not long remain in such a house as that, without being an eye-witness of +more than I could conceive from her descriptions. + +One day, about twelve at noon, being thoroughly recovered of my fever, I +happened to be in Mrs. Brown's dark closet, where I had not been half +an hour, resting upon the maid's bed, before I heard a rustling in the +bed-chamber, separated from the closet only by two sash doors, before +the glasses of which were drawn two yellow damask curtains, but not so +close as to exclude the full view of the room from any person in the +closet. + +I instantly crept softly and posted myself so, that seeing everything +minutely, I could not myself be seen; and who should come in but the +venerable mother Abbess herself! handed in by a tall, brawny young +Horse-grenadiers, moulded in the Hercules style: in fine, the choice of +the most experienced dame, in those affairs, in all London. + +Oh! how still and hush did I keep at my stand, lest any noise should +baulk my curiosity, or bring Madam into the closet! + +But I had not much reason to fear either, for she was entirely taken up +with her present great concern, that she had no sense of attention to +spare to anything else. + +Droll was it to see that clumsy fat figure of her's flop down on the +foot of the bed, opposite to the closet door so that I had a full front +view of all her charms. + +Her paramour sat down by her: he seemed to be a man of very few words, +and a great stomach; for proceeding instantly to essentials, he gave her +some hearty smacks, and thrusting his hands into her breasts, disengaged +them from her stays, in scorn of whose confinement they broke loose, and +sagged down, navel-low at least. A more enormous pair did my eyes +never behold, nor of a worse colour, flagging, soft, and most lovingly +contiguous: yet such as they were, this great beef-eater seemed to paw +them with a most unenviable lust, seeking in vain to confine or cover +one of them with a hand scarce less than a shoulder of mutton. After +toying with them thus some time, as if they had been worth it, he laid +her down pretty briskly, and canting up her petticoats, made barely +a mask of them to her broad red face, that blushed with nothing but +brandy. + +As he stood on one side, unbuttoning his waistcoat and breeches, her fat +brawny thighs hung down, and the whole greasy landscape lay fairly open +to my view; a wide open mouthed gap, overshaded with a grizzly bush, +seemed held out like a beggar's wallet for its provision. + +But I soon had my eyes called off by a more striking object that +entirely engrossed them. + +Her sturdy stallion had now unbuttoned, and produced naked, stiff and +erect, that wonderful machine, which I had never seen before, and which, +for the interest my own seat of pleasure began to take furiously in it, +I stared at with all the eyes I had: however, my senses were too much +flurried, too much concentered in that now burning spot of mine, +to observe anything more than in general the make and turn of that +instrument; from which the instinct of nature, yet more than all I had +heard of it, now strongly informed me, I was to expect that supreme +pleasure which she had placed in the meeting of those parts so admirably +fitted for each other. + +Long, however, the young spark did not remain before giving it two or +three shakes, by way of brandishing it, he threw himself upon her, and +his back being now towards me, I could only take his being ingulphed for +granted, by the directions he moved in, and the impossibility of missing +so staring a mark; and now the bed shook, the curtains rattled so that +I could scarce hear the sighs and murmurs, the heaves and pantings that +accompanied the action, from the beginning to the end; the sound and +sight of which thrilled to the very soul of me, and made every vein of +my body circulate liquid fires: the emotion grew so viol-lent that it +almost intercepted my respiration. + +Prepared then, and disposed as I was by the discourse of my companions, +and Phoebe's minute detail of everything, no wonder that such a sight +gave the last dying blow to my native innocence. + +Whilst they were in the heat of the action, guided by nature only, I +stole my hand up my petticoats, and with fingers on fire, seized and yet +more inflamed that center of all my senses: my heart palpitated, as if +it would force its way through my bosom: I breathed with pain; I twisted +my thighs, squeezed and compressed the lips of that virgin slit, and +following mechanically the example of Phoebe's manual operation on +it, as far as I could find admission, brought on at last the critical +ecstasy, the melting flow, into which nature, spent with excess of +pleasure, dissolves and dies away. + +After which, my senses recovered coolness enough to observe the rest of +the transaction between this happy pair. + +The young fellow had just dismounted, when the old lady immediately +sprung up, with all the vigour of youth, derived, no doubt, from her +late refreshment; and making him sit down, began in her turn to kiss +him, to pat and pinch his cheeks, and play with his hair: all which he +received with an air of indifference and coolness that showed him to be +much altered from what he was when he first went on to the breach. + +My pious governess, however, not being above calling in auxiliaries, +unlocks a little case of cordials that stood near the bed, and made him +pledge her in a very plentiful dram: after which, and a little amorous +parley, Madam set herself down upon the same place, at the bed's foot; +and the young fellow standing sidewise by her, she, with the greatest +effrontery imaginable, unbuttons his breeches, and removing his shirt, +draws out his affair, so shrunk and diminished, that I could not but +remember the difference, now crest-fallen, or just faintly lifting +its head: but our experience matron very soon, by chaffing it with her +hands, brought it to swell to that size and erection I had before seen +it up to. + +I admired then, upon a fresh account, and with a nicer survey, the +texture of that capital part of man: the flaming red head as it stood +uncapt, the whiteness of the shaft, and the shrub growth of curling hair +that embrowned the foots of it, the roundish bag that dangled down from +it, all exacted my eager attention, and renewed my flame. But, as the +main affair was now at the point the industrious dame had laboured to +bring it to, she was not in the humour to put off the payment of her +pains, but laying herself down, drew him gently upon her, and thus they +finished, in the same manner as before, the old last act. + +This over, they both went out lovingly together, the old lady having +first made him a present, as near as I could observe, of three or four +pieces; he being not only her particular favourite on account of his +performances, but a retainer to the house; from whose sight she had +taken great care hitherto to secret me, lest he might not have had +patience to wait for my lord's arrival, but have insisted on being his +taster, which the old lady was under too much subjection to him to dare +dispute with him; for every girl of the house fell to him in course, +and the old lady only now and then got her turn, in consideration of the +maintenance he had, and which he could scarce be accused of not earning +from her. + +As soon as I heard them go down-stairs, I stole up softly to my own +room, out of which I had luckily not been missed; there I began to +breathe more free, and to give a loose to those warm emotions which the +sight of such an encounter had raised in me, I laid me down on the bed, +stretched myself out, joining and ardently wishing, and requiring any +means to divert or allay the rekindled rage and tumult of my desires, +which all pointed strongly to their pole: man. I felt about the bed as +if I sought for something that I grasped in my waking dream, and not +finding it, could have cried for vexation; every part of me plowing with +simulated fires. At length, I resorted to the only present remedy, that +of vain attempts at digitation, where the small-ness of the theatre did +not yet afford room enough for action, and where the pain my fingers +gave me, in striving for admission, though they procured me a slight +satisfaction for the present, started an apprehension which I could not +be easy till I had communicated to Phoebe and received her explanations +upon it. + +The opportunity, however, did not offer till next morning, for Phoebe +did not come to bed till long after I was gone to sleep. As soon then as +we were both awake, it was but in course to bring our ly-a-bed chat to +hand, on the subject of my uneasiness: to which a recital of the love +scene I had thus, by chance, been spectatress of, served for a preface. + +Phoebe could not hear it to the end without more than one interruption +by peals of laughter, and my ingenuous way of relating matters did not a +little heighten the joke to her. + +But, on her sounding me how the sight had affected me, without mincing +or hiding the pleasurable emotions it had inspired me with, I told +her at the same time that one remark had perplexed me, and that very +considerably. "Aye!" says she, "what was that?" "Why," replied I, +"having very curiously and attentively compared the size of that +enormous machine, which did not appear, at least to my fearful +imagination, less than my wrist, and at least three of my hand-fuls +long, to that of the tender small part of me which was framed to receive +it, I could not conceive its being possible to afford it entrance +without dying, perhaps in the greatest pain, since she well knew +that even a finger thrust in there hurt me beyond bearing. As to my +mistress's and yours, I can very plainly distinguish the different +dimensions of them from mine, palpable to the touch, and visible to +the eye; so that, in short, great as the promised pleasure may be, I am +afraid of the pain of the experiment." + +Phoebe at this redoubled her laugh, and whilst I expected a very serious +solution of my doubts and apprehensions in this matter, only told me +that "she never heard of a mortal wound being given in those parts, by +that terrible weapon, and that some she knew younger, and as delicately +made as myself, had outlived the operation; that she believed, at the +worst, I should take a great deal of liking; that true it was, there was +a great diversity of sizes in those parts, owing to nature, child-bearing, +frequent over-stretching with unmerciful machines, but that at a certain +age and habit of body, even the most experienced in those affairs could +not well distinguish between the maid and the woman, supposing too an +absence of all artifice, in their natural situation: but that since +chance had thrown in my way one sight of that sort, she would procure me +another, that should feast my eyes more delicately, and go a great way +in the cure of my fears from that imaginary disproportion". + +On this she asked me if I knew Polly Phillips? "Undoubterly," says I, +"the fair girl which was so tender of me when I was sick, and has been, +as you told me, but two months in the house." "The same," says Phoebe. +"You must know then, she is kept by a young Genoes merchant, whom his +uncle, who is immensely rich, and whose darling he is, on a pretex of +settling some accounts, but in reality to humour his inclinations for +travelling, and seeing the world. He met casually with this Polly once +in company, and taking a likning to her, makes it worth her while to +keep entirely to him. He comes to her here twice or thrice a week, and +she receives him in the light closet up one pair of stairs, where he +enjoys her in a taste, I suppose, peculiar to the heat, or perhaps the +caprices of his own country, I say no more, but to-morrow being his day, +you shall see what passes between them, from a place only known to your +mistress and myself." + +You may be sure, in the ply I was now taking, I had no objection to the +proposal, and was rather a tip-toe for its accomplishments. + +At five in the evening next day, Phoebe, punctual to her promise, came +to me as I sat alone in my own room, and beckoned me to follow her. + +We went down the back stairs very softly, and opening the door of a +dark closet, where there was some old furniture kept, and some cases of +liquor, she drew me in after her, and fastened the door upon us, we had +no light but what came through a long crevice in the partition between +ours and the light closet, where the scene of action lay; so that +sitting on those low cases, we could, with the greatest ease, as well as +clearness, see all objects (ourselves unseen), only by applying our +eyes close to the crevice, where the moulding of a panel had warped, or +started a little on the other side. + +The young gentleman was the first person I saw, with his back directly +towards me, looking at a print. Polly was not yet come: in less than a +minute though, the door opened, and she came in; and at the noise the +door made he turned about, and come to meet her, with an air of the +greatest tenderness and satisfaction. + +After saluting her, he led her to a coach that fronted us, where they +both sat down, and the young Genoes helped her to a glass of wine, with +some Naples biscuits on a salver. + +Presently, when they had exchanged a few kisses, and questions in broken +English on one side, he began to unbutton, and, in fine, stript unto his +shirt. + +As if this had been the signal agreed on for pulling off all their +clothes, a scheme which the heat of the season perfectly favoured, Polly +began to draw her pins, and as she had no stays to unlace, she was in a +trice, with her gallant's officious assistance, undressed to all but her +shift. + +When he saw this, his breeches were immediately loosened, waist and +knee bands, and slipped over his ankles, clean off; his shirt collar was +unbottoned too: then, first giving Polly an encouraging kiss, he stole, +as it were, the shift off the girl, who being, I suppose, broke and +familiarized to this humour, blushed indeed, but less than I did at the +apparition of her, now standing stark naked, just as she came ont of +the hands of pure nature, with her black hair loose and a-float down her +dazzling white neck and shoulders, whilst the deepened carnation of her +cheeks went off gradually into the hue of glazed snow: for such were the +blended tints polish of her skin. + +This girl could not be above eighteen: her face regular and sweet +featured, her shape exquisite; nor could I help envying her two ripe +enchanting breasts, finely plumped out in flesh, but withal so round, so +firm, that they sustained themselves, in scorn of any stay: then their +nipples, pointing different ways, marked their pleasing separation; +beneath them lay the delicious tract of the belly, which terminated in +a parting of rift scarce discerning, that modesty seemed to retire +downward, and seek shelter between two plump fleshy thighs: the curling +hair that overspread its delightful front, clothed it with the richest +sable fur in the universe: in short, she was evidently a subject for the +painters to court her, sitting to them for a pattern female beauty, in +all the true pride and pomp of nakedness. + +The young Italian (still in his shirt) stood gazing and transported at +the sight of beauties that might have fired a dying hermit; his eager +eyes devoured her, as she shifted attitudes at his discretion: neither +were his hands excluded their share of the high feast, but wandered, on +the hunt of pleasure, over every part and inch of her body, so qualified +to afford the most exquisite sense of it. + +In the mean time time, one could not help observing the swell of his +shirt before, that bolstered out, and pointed out the condition of +things behind the curtain: but he soon removed it, by slipping his shirt +over his head; and now, as to nakedness, they had nothing to reproach +one another. + +The young gentleman, by Phoebe's guess, was about two and twenty; tall +and well limbed. His body was finely formed, and of a most vigorous +make, square shouldered, and broad chested: his face was not remarkable +any way, but for a nose inclining to the Roman, eyes large, black, and +sparkling, and a ruddiness in his cheeks that was the more a grace; for +his complexion was of the brownest, not of that dusky dun colour which +excludes, the idea of freshness, but of that clear, olive gloss, which +glowing with life, dazzles perhaps less than fairness, and yet pleases +more, when it pleases at all. His hair being too short to tie fell no +lower than his neck, in short easy curls; and he had a few sprigs about +his paps, that garnished his chest in a style of strength and manliness. +Then his grand movement, which seemed to rise out of a thicket of +curling hair, that spread from the root all over his thighs and belly up +to the navel, stood stiff and upright, but of a size to frighten me, by +sympathy for the small tender part which was the object of its fury, +and which now lay exposed to my fairest view; for he had, immediately +on stoppings off his shirt, gently pushed her down on the couch, which +stood conveniently to break her willing fall. Her thighs were spread out +to their utmost extention, and discovered between them the mark of the +sex, the red-centered cleft of flesh, whose lips vermillioning inwards, +expressed a small ruby line in sweet miniature, such as Guide's touch or +colouring: could never attain to the life or delicacy of. + +Phoebe, at this, gave me a gentle jog, to prepare me for a whisper +question: "Whether I thought my little maiden-head was much less?" But +my attention was too much engrossed, too much inwrapped with all I saw, +to be able to give her any answer. + +By this time the young gentelman had changed her posture from lying +breadth to length-wise on the coach: but her thighs were still spread, +and the mark lay fair for him, who now kneeling between them, displayed +to us a side view of that fierce erect machine of his, which threatened +no less than splitting the tender victim, who lay smiling at the +uplifted stroke, nor seemed to decline it. He looked upon his weapon +himself with some pleasure, and guiding it with his hand to the +inviting; slit, drew aside the lips, and lodged it (after some thrusts, +which Polly seemed even to assist) about half way; but there it stuck, I +suppose from its growing thickness: he draws it again, and just wetting +it with spittle, re-enters, and with ease sheathed it now up to the +hilt, at which Polly gave a deep sigh, which was quite another tone than +one of pain; he thrusts, she heaves, at first gently, and in a regular +cadence; but presently the transport began to be too violent to observe +any order or measure; their motions were too rapid, their kisses too +fierce' and fervent for nature to support such fury long: both seemed to +me out of themselves: their eyes darted fires: "Oh! oh! I can't bear it. +It is too much. I die. I am going," were Polly's expressions of extasy: +his joys were more silent: but soon broken murmurs, sighs heart-fetched, +and at length a dispatching thrust, as if he would have forced himself +up her body, and then the motionless languor of all his limbs, all +shewed that the die-away moment was come upon him; which she gave signs +of joining with by, the wild throwing of her hands about, closing her +eyes, and giving a deep sob, in which she seemed to expire in an agony +of bliss. + +When he had finished his stroke, and got from off her, she lay still +without the least motion, breathless, as it should seem, with pleasure. +He replaced her again breadth-wise on the couch, unable to sit up, with +her thighs open, between which I could observe a kind of white liquid, +like froth, hanging about the outward lips of that recently opened +wound, which now glowed with a deeper red. Presently she gets up, and +throwing her arms round him, seemed far undelighted with the trial he +had put her to, to judge, at least by the fondness with which she eyed, +and hung upon him. + +For my part, I will not pretend to describe what I felt over me during +this scene; but from that instant, adieu all fears of what man can +do unto me! they were now changed into such ardent desires, such +ungovernable longings, that I could have by the sleeve, and offered him +the bauble, which I now imagined the loss of would be a gain I could not +too soon procure myself. + +Phoebe, who had more experience, and to whom such sights were not so +new, could not however, be unmoved at so warm a scene; and drawing me +away softly from the peeping hole, for fear of being overheard, guided +me as the door as possible, all passive and obedient to her least +signals. + +Here was no room either to sit or lie, but making me stand with my back +towards the door, she lifted up my petticoats, and with her busy fingers +fell to visit and explore that part of me, where I was perfectly sick +and ready to die with desire; that the bare touch of her finger, in +that critical place, had the effect of a fire to a train, and her hand +instantly made her sensible to what a pitch I was wound up, and melted +by the sight she had thus procured me. Satisfied then with her success, +in allaying a heat that would have made me impatient of seeing the +continuation of the transactions between our amourous couple, she +brought me again to the crevice, so favourable to our curiosity. + +We had certainly been but a few instants away from it, and yet on our +return we saw everything in good forwardness for recommencing the tender +hostilities. + +The young foreigner was sitting down, fronting us, on the coach, with +Polly upon one knee, who had her arms round his neck, whilst the extreme +whiteness of her skin was not undelightfully contrasted by the smooth +glossy brown of her lover's. + +But who could count the fierce, unnumbered kisses given and taken? +In which I could often discover their mouths were double tongued, +and seemed to favour the mutual insertion with the greatest gust and +delight. + +In the meantime, his red-headed champion, that had so lately fled the +pit, quelled and abashed, was now recovered to the top of his condition, +perked and crested up between Polly's thighs, who was not wanting, on +her part, to coax and keep it in good humour, stroking it, with her +head down, and receiving even its velvet tip between the lips of not +its proper mouth: whether it was to render it more glib and easy of +entrance, I could not tell; but it had such an effect, that the young +gentleman seemed by his eyes, that sparkled with more excited lustre, +and his inflamed countenance, to receive increase of pleasure. He got +up, and taking Polly in his arms, embraced her, and said something too +softly for me to hear, leading her withal to the foot of the couch, and +taking delight to slap her thighs and posteriors with that stiff sinew +of his, which hit them with a spring that he gave it with his hand, and +made them resound again, but her about as much as he meant to hurt her, +for she seemed to have as frolic a taste as himself. + +But guess my surprise, when I saw the lazy young rogue lie down on his +back, and gently pull down Polly upon him, who giving way to his humour, +stradled, and with her hands conducted her blind favourite to the right +place; and following her impulse, ran directly upon the flaming point of +this weapon of pleasure, which she staked herself upon, up pierced, and +infixed to the extremest hair breadth of it: thus she sat on him a few +instants, enjoying and relishing her situation, whilst he toyed with +her provoking breasts. Sometimes she would stoop to meet his kiss: but +presently the sting of pleasure spurred them up to fiercer action; then +began the storm of heaves, which, from the undermost combatant, were +thrust at the same time, he crossing his hands over her, and drawing +her home to him with a sweet violence: the inverted strokes of anvil +over hammer soon brought on the critical period, in which all the signs +of a close conspiring extasy informed us of the point they were at. + +For me, I could bear to see no more; I was so overcome, so inflamed at +the second part of the same play, that, mad to an intolerable degree, +I hugged, I clasped Phoebe, as if she had wherewithal to relieve me. +Pleased however with, and pitying the taking she could feel me in, she +drew towards the door, and opening it softly as she could, we both got +off undiscovered, and reconducted me to my own room, where, unable to +keep my legs, in the agitation I was in, I instantly threw myself down +on the bed, where I lay transported, though ashamed at what I felt. + +Phoebe lay down by me, and asked me archly, "if, now that I had seen +the enemy, and fully considered him, I was still afraid of him? or did +I think I could come to a close engagement with him?" To all which, not a +word on my side; I sighed, and could scarcely breathe. She takes hold +of my hand, and having rolled up her own petticoats, forced it half +strivingly, towards those parts, where, now grown more knowing, I missed +the main object of my wishes; and finding not even the shadow of what I +wanted, where every thing was so fiat, or so hollow, in the vexation +I was in at it. I should have withdrawn my hand, but for fear of +disobliging her. Abandoning it then entirely to her management, she made +use of it as she thought proper, to procure herself rather the shadow +than the substance of any pleasure. For my part, I now pined for more +solid food, and promised tacitly to myself that I would not be put off +much longer with this foolery of woman to woman, of Mrs. Brown did not +soon provide me with the essential specific. In short, I had all the air +of not being able to wait the arrival of my lord B----, though he was +now expected in a very fews days: nor did I wait for him, for love +itself took charge of the disposal of me, in spite of interest, or gross +lust. + +It was now two days after the closet scene, that I got up about six in +the morning, and leaving my bedfellow fast asleep, stole down, with no +other thought than of taking a little fresh air in a small garden, which +our back parlour opened into, and from which my confinement debarred me, +at the times company came to my house; but now sleep and silence reigned +all over it. + +I opened the parlour door, and well surprised was I at seeing, by the +side of a fire half-out, a young gentleman in the old lady's elbow +chair, with his legs laid upon another, fast asleep, and left there by +his thoughtless companions, who had drank him down, and then went off +with every one but his mistress, whilst he stayed behind by the courtesy +of the old matron, who would not disturb or turn him out in that +condition at one in the morning; and beds, it is more than probable +there were none to spare. On the table still remained the punch bowl and +glasses, stewed about in their usual disorder after a drunken revel. + +But when I drew nearer, to view the sleeping estray, heavens! what +a sight! No! term of years, no turn of fortune could ever eraze the +lightninglike impression his form made on me. Yes! dearest object of +my earliest passion, I command for ever the remembrance of thy first +appearance to my ravished eyes, it calls thee up, present; and I see +thee now. + +Figure to yourself, Madam, fair stripling between eighteen and nineteen, +with his head reclined on one of the sides of the chair, his hair +disordered curls, irregularly shading a face, on which all the roseate +bloom of youth and all the manly graces conspired to fix my eye +sand heart; even the languour and paleness of his face, in which the +momentary triumph of the lily over the rose was owing to the excesses +of the night, gave an inexpressible sweetness to the finest features +imaginable: his eyes, closed in sleep, displayed the meeting edges of +their lids beautifully bordered with long eye-lashes; over which no +pencil could have described two more regular arches than those that +graced his forehead, which was high, perfectly white and smooth; then a +pair of vermilion lips, pouting and swelling to the touch, as if a bee +had freshly stung them, seemed to challenge me to get the gloves off +this lovely sleeper, had not the modesty and respect, which in both +sexes are inseparable from a true passion, checked my impulses. + +But on seeing his shirt collar unbottoned, and bosom whiter than a drift +of snow, the pleasure of considering it could not bribe me to lengthen +it, at the hazard of a health that began to be my life's concern. Love, +that made me timid, taught me to be tender too: with a trembling hand +I took hold of one of his, and waking him as gently as possible, he +started, and looking, at first a little wildly, said with a voice that +sent its harmonious sound to my heart: "Pray, child, what-a-clock is +it?" I told him, and added that he might catch cold if he slept longer +with his breast open in the cool of the morning air. On this he thanked +me with a sweetness perfectly agreeing with that of his features and +eyes; the last now broad open, and eagerly surveying me, carried the +surightly fires they sparkled with directly to my heart. + +It seems, that having drank too freely before he came upon the rake with +some of his young companions, he had put himself out of a condition to +go through all the weapons with them, and crown the night with a getting +a mistress; so that seeing me in a loose undress, he did not doubt but I +was one of the misses of the house, sent in to repair his loss of time; +but though he seized that notion, and a very obvious one it was, without +hesitation, yet, whether my figure made a more than ordinary impression +on him, or whether it was his natural politeness, he addressed me in +a manner far from rude, though still on the foot of one of the house +pliers come to amuse him; and giving me the first kiss that I ever +relished from man in my life, asked me if I could favour him with my +company, assuring me that he would make it worth my while: but had +not even new-born love, that true refiner of lust, opposed so sudden a +surrender, the fear of being surprised by the house was a sufficient bar +to my compliance. + +I told him then, in a tone set by love itself, that for reasons I had +not time to explain to him. I could not stay with him, and might even +ever see him again, with a sigh at these words, which broke from the +bottom of my heart. My conqueror, who, as he afterwards told me, had +been struck with my appearance, and liked me as much as he could think +of liking any one in my supposed way of life, asked me briskly at once, +if I would be kept by him, and that he would take a lodging for me +directly, and relieve me from any engagements he presumed I might be +under to the house. + +Rash, sudden, undigested, even dangerous as this offer might be from a +perfect stranger, and that stranger a giddy boy, the prodigious love +I was struck with for him, had put a charm into every objection: I not +resisting, and blinded me to every objection; I could, at that instant, +have died for him: think if I could resist an invitation to live with +him! Thus my heart, beating strong to the proposal, dictated my answer, +after scarce a minute's pause, that I would accept of his offer, and +make my escape to him in what way he pleased, and that I would be +entirely at his disposal, let it be good or bad. I have often since +wondered that so great an easiness did not disgust him, or make me too +cheap in his eyes, but my fate had so appointed it, that in his fears of +the hazzard of the town, he had been some time looking out for a girl to +take into keeping, and my person happening to hit his fancy, it was by +one of those miracles reserved to love, that we struck the bargain in +the instant, which we sealed by an exchange of kisses, that the hopes of +a more uninterrupted enjoyment engaged him to content himself with. + +Never, however, did dear youth carry in his head more wherewith +to justify the turning of a girl's head, and making her set all +consequences at defiance, for the sake of following a gallant. + +For, besides all the perfections of manly beauty which were assembled in +his form, he had an air of neatness and gentility, certain smartness in +the carriage and port of his head, that yet more distinguished him; his +eyes were sprightly and full of meaning; his looks had in them something +at once sweet and commanding; his complexion out-bloomed the lovely +coloured rose, whilst its inimitable tender vivid glow clearly saved +it from the reproach of wanting life, of raw and dough-like, which is +commonly made of those so extremely fair as he was. + +Our little plan was, that I should get out about seven the next morning +(which I could readily promise, as I knew where to get the key of the +street door) and he would wait at the end of the street with a coach +to convey me safe off; after which, we would send, and clear any debt +incurred by my stay at Mrs. Brown's, who, he only judged, in gross, +might not care to part with one, he thought, so fit to draw custom to +the house. + +I then just hinted to him not to mention in the house his having seen +such a person as me, for reasons I would explain to him more at leisure. +And then, for fear of miscarrying, by being seen together, I tore myself +from him with a bleeding heart, and stole up softly to my room, where +I found Phoebe still fast asleep, and hurrying off my few clothes, +lay down by her, with a mixture of joy and anxiety, that may be easier +conceived than expressed. + +The risks of Mrs. Brown's discovering my purpose, of disappointments, +misery, ruin, all vanished before this new-kindled flame. The seeing, +the touching, the being, if but for a night, with this idol of my +fond virgin heart, appeared to me a happiness above the purchase of my +liberty or life. He might use me ill, let him: he was the master, happy, +too happy, even to receive death at so dear a hand. + +To this purpose were the reflections of the whole day, of which every +minute seemed to me a little eternity. How often did I visit the clock! +nay, was tempted to advance the tedious hand, as if that would have +advanced the time with it! Had those of the house had the least +observations on me, they must have remarked something extraordinary from +the discomposure I could not help betraying; especially when at dinner +mention was made of the charmingest youth having been there, and stayed +breakfast. "Oh! he was such a beauty!... I should have died for him!... +they would pull caps for him!..." and the like fooleries; which, +however, was throwing oil on a fire I was sorely put to it to smother +the blaze of. + +The fluctuations of my mind, the whole day, produced one good effect: +which was, that, through mere fatigue, I slept tolerably well till five +in the morning, when I got up, and having dressed myself, waited, under +the double tortures of fear and impatience, for the appointed hour. +It came at last, the dear, critical, dangerous hour came; and now, +supported only by the courage love lent me, I ventured, a tip-toe, down +stairs, leaving my box behind, for fear of being surprized with it in +going out. + +I got to the street door, the key whereof was always laid on the +chair by our bed side, in trust with Phoebe, who having not the least +suspicion of my entertaining any design to go from them (nor, indeed, +had I, but the day before), made no reserve or concealment of it from +me. I opened the door with great ease; love, that emboldened, protected +me too: and now, got safe into the street, I saw my new guardian angel +waiting at a coach door, ready open. How I got to him I know not: I +suppose I flew; but I was in the coach in a trice, and he by the side of +me, with his arms clasped round me, and giving me the kiss of welcome. +The coachman had his orders, and drove to them. + +My eyes were instantly filled with tears, but tears of the most +delicious delight; to find myself in the arms of that beauteous youth, +was a rapture that my little hear swam in; past or future were equally +out of the question with me; the present was as much as all my powers +of life were sufficient to bear the transport of, without fainting. Nor +were the most tender embraces, the most soothing expressions wanting +on his side, to assure me of his love, and of never giving me cause to +repent the bold step I had taken, in throwing myself thus entirely upon +his honour and generosity. But, alas! this was no merit in me, for I was +drove to it by a passion too impetuous for me to resist, and, I did what +I did, because I could not help it. + +In an instant, for time was now annihilated with me, we were landed at a +public house in Chelsea, hospitably commodious for the reception of duet +parties of pleasure, where a breakfast of chocolate was prepared for us. + +An old jolly stager, who kept it, and understood life perfectly well, +breakfasted with us, and leering archly at me, gave us both joy, and +said, "we were well paired, i' faith! that a great many gentlemen and +ladies used his house, but he had never seen a handsomer couple... he +was sure I was a fresh piece... I looked so country, so innocent! well +my spouse was a lucky man!..." all which, common landlord's cant, not +only pleased and soothed me, but helped to diver my confusion at being +with my new sovereign, whom, the minute approached, I began to fear to +be alone with: a timidity which true love had a greater share in than +even maiden bashful-ness. + +I wished, I doated, I could have died for him; and yet, I know not how, +or why I dreaded the point which had been the object of my fiercest +wishes; my pulses beat fears, amidst a flush of the warmest desires. +This struggle of the passions, however, this conflict betwixt modesty +and lovesick longings, made me burst again into tears; which he took, as +he had done before, only for the remains of concern and emotion at the +suddenness of my change of condition, in committing myself to his care; +and, in consequence of that idea, did and said all that he thought would +most comfort and re-inspirit me. + +After breakfast, Charles (the dear familiar name I must take the liberty +henceforward to distinguish my Adonis by), with a smile full of meaning, +took me gently by the hand, and said: "Come, my dear, I will show you +a room that commands a fine prospect over some gardens"; and without +waiting for an answer, in which he relieved me extremely, he led me up +into a chamber, airy and lightsome, where all seeing of prospects was +out of the question, except that of a bed, which had all the air of +recommending the room to him. + +Charles had just slipped the bolt of the door, and running, caught me in +his arms, and lifting me from the ground, with his lips glued to mine, +bore me trembling, panting, dying with soft fears and tender wishes, to +the bed; where his impatience would not suffer him to undress me, more +than just unpinning my handkerchief and gowns, and unlacing my stays. + +My bosom was now bare, and rising in the warmest throbs, presented to +his sight and feeling the firm hard swell of a pair of young breast, +such as may be imagined of a girl not sixteen, fresh out of the country, +and never before handled: but even their pride, whiteness, fashion, +pleasing resistance to the touch, could not bribe his restless hands +from roving; but, giving them the loose, my petticoats and shift were +soon taken up, and their stronger center of attraction laid open to +their tender invasion. My fears, however, made me mechanically close +my thighs; but the very touch of his hand insinuated between them, +disclosed them and opened a way for the main attack. + +In the mean time, I lay fairly exposed to the examination of his eyes +and hands, quiet and unresisting; which confirmed him the opinion he +proceeded so cavalierly upon, that I was no novice in these matters, +since he had taken me out of a common bawdy house, nor had I said one +thing to prepossess him of my virginity; and if I had, he would sooner +have believed that I took him for a cully that would swallow such an +improbability, than that I was still mistress of that darling treasure, +that hidden mine, so eagerly sought after by the men, and which they +never dig for, but to destroy. + +Being now too high wound up to bear a delay, he unbuttoned, and drawing +out the engine of love assaults, drove it currently, as at a ready +made breach... Then! then! for the first time, did I feel that stiff +horn-hard gristle, battering against the tender part; but imagine to +yourself his surprise, when he found, after several vigorous pushes, +which hurt me extremely, that he made not the least impression. + +I complained, but tenderly complained: "I could not bear it... indeed +he hurt me!..." Still he thought no more, than that being so young, the +largeness of his machine (for few men could dispute size with him) made +all the difficulty; and that possibly I had not been enjoyed by any so +advantageously made in that part as himself: for still, that my virgin +flower was yet un-cropped, never entered into his head, and he would +have thought it idling with time and words, to have questioned me upon +it. + +He tried again, still no admittance, still no penetration; but he had +hurt me yet more, while my extreme love made me bear extreme pain, +almost without a groan. At length, after repeated fruitless trials, he +lay down panting by me, kissed my falling tears, and asked me tenderly +"what was the meaning of so much complaining? and if I had not borne it +better from other than I did from him?" I answered, with a simplicity +framed to persuade, that he was the first mam that ever served me so. +Truth is powerful, and it is not always that we do not believe what we +eagerly wish. + +Charles, already disposed by the evidence, of his senses to think my +pretences to virginity not entirely apocryphal, smothers me with kisses, +begs me, in the-name of love, to have a little patience, and that he +wilt be as tender of hurting me as he would be of himself.. + +Alas! it was enough I knew his pleasure to submit joyfully to him, +whatever pain I foresaw it would cost, me. + +He now resumes his attempts in more form: first, he put one of the +pillows under me, to give the blank of his aim a more favourable +elevation, and another Under my head, in ease of it; then spreading my +thighs, and placing himself standing betwen them, made them rest upon +his; applying then the point of his machine to the slit, into which he +sought entrance, it was so small, he could scarce assure himself of its +being rightly pointed. He looks, he feels, and satisfies himself: +there driving on with fury, its prodigious stiffness, thus impacted, +wedgelike, breaks the union of those parts, and gained him just the +insertion of the tip of it, lip deep; which being sensible of, he +improved his advantage, and following well his stroke, in a straight +line, forcibly deepens his penetration; but put me to such intolerable +pain, from the separation of the sides of that soft passage by a hard +thick body, I could have screamed out; but, as I was unwilling to alarm +the house, I held in my breath, and crammed my petticoat, which was; +turned up over my face, into my mouth, and bit it through in the agony. +At length, the tender texture of that tract giving way to such fierce +tearing and rending, he pierced something further into me: and now, +outrageous and no longer his own master, but borne headlong away by the +fury and over-mettle of that member, now exerting itself with a kind +of native rage, he breaks in, carries all before him, and one violent +merciless lunge, sent it, imbrued, and reeking with virgin blood, up +to the very hilt in me... Then! then all my resolution deserted me: I +screamed out, and fainted away with the sharpness of the pain; and, as +he told me afterwards, on his drawing out, when emission was over with +him, my thighs were instantly all in a stream of blood, that flowed from +the wounded torn passage. + +When I recovered my senses, I found myself undressed and a-bed, in the +arms of the sweet relenting murderer of my virginity, who hung mourning +tenderly over me, and holding in his hand a cordial, which, coming from +the still dear author of so much pain, I could not refuse; my eyes, +however, moistened with tears, and languishingly turned upon him, seemed +to reproach him with his cruelty, and ask him, if such were the rewards +of love. But Charles, to whom I was now infinitely endeared by his +complete triumph over a maidenhead, where he so little expected to find +one, in tenderness to that pain which he had put me to, in procuring +himself the height of pleasure, smothered his exultation, and employed +himself with so much sweetness, so much warmth, to sooth, to caress, and +comfort me in my soft complainings, which breathed, indeed, more love +than resentment, that I presently drowned all sense of pain in the +pleasure of seeing him, of thinking that I belonged to him: he who was +now the absolute disposer of my happiness, and, in one word, my fate. + +The sore was, however, too tender, the wound too bleeding fresh, for +Charles's good-nature to put my patience presently to another trial; but +as I could not stir, or walk a-cross the room, he ordered the dinner +to be brought to the bed side, where it could not be otherwise than my +getting down the wing of a fowl, and two or three glasses of wine, since +it was my adored youth who both served, and urged them on me, with that +sweet irresistible authority with which love had invested him over me. + +After dinner, and everything but the wine was taken away, Charles very +impudently asks a leave, he might read the grant of in my eyes, to come +to bed to me, and accordingly falls to undressing; which I could not see +the progress of without strange emotions of fear and pleasure. + +He is now in bed with me the first time, and in broad day; but when +thrusting up his own shirt and my shift, he laid his naked glowing body +to mine... oh insupportable delight! oh! superhuman rapture! what pain +could stand before a pleasure so transporting? I felt no more the smart +of my wounds below; but, curling round him like the tendril of a vine, +as if I feared any part of him should be untouched or unpressed by me, I +returned his strenuous embraces and kisses with a fervour and gust only +known to true love, and which mere lust never rise to. + +Yes, even at this time, that all the tyranny of the passions is fully +over, and that my veins roll no longer but a cold tranquil stream, the +remembrance of those passages that most affected me in my youth, still +cheers and refreshes me; let me proceed then. My beauteous youth was now +glued to me in all the folds and twists that we could make our bodies +meet in; when, no longer able to rein in the fierceness of refreshed +desires, he gives his steed the head, and gently insinuating his thighs +between mine, stopping my mouth with kisses of humid fire, makes a fresh +eruption, and renewing his thrusts, pierces, tears, and forces his way +up the torn tender folds, that yielded him admission with a smart little +less severe that when the breach was first made I stifled, however, my +cries, and bore him with the passive fortitude of an heroine; soon his +thrusts, more and more furious, cheeks flushed with a deeper scarlet, +his eyes turned up in the fervent fit, some dying sighs, and an +agonizing shudder, announced the approaches of that extatic pleasure, I +was yet in too much pain to come in for my share of. + +Nor was it till after a few enjoyments had numbed and blunted the +sense of the smart, and given me to feel the titillating inspersion of +balsamic sweets, drew from me the delicious return, and brought down all +my passion, that I arrived at excess of pleasure through excess of pain. +But, when successive engagements had broke and inured me, I began to +enter into the true unalloyed relish of that pleasure of pleasures, when +the warm gush darts through all the ravished inwards; what floods of +bliss! what melting transports! what agonies of delight! too fierce, +too mighty for nature to sustain?... well has she therefore, no doubt +provided the relief of a delicious momentary dissolution, the approaches +of which are intimated by a dear delirium, a sweet thrill, on the point +of emitting those liquid sweets, in which enjoyment itself is drowned, +when one gives the languishing stretch out, and die at the discharge. + +How often, when the rage and tumult of my senses had subsided, after +the melting flow, have I, in a tender meditation, asked myself cooly the +question, if it was in nature for any of its creatures to be so happy as +I was? Or, what were all fears of the consequence, put in the scale of +one night's enjoyment, of any thing so transcendently the taste of my +eyes and heart, as that delicious, fond, matchless youth. + +Thus we spent the whole afternoon, till supper time in a continued +circle of love delights, kissing, turtle-billing, toying, and all the +rest of the feast. At length, supper was served in, before which Charles +had, for I do not know what reason, slipped his clothes on; and sitting +down by the bed side, we made table and tablecloth of the bed and +sheets, whilst he suffered nobody to attend or serve but himself. He +ate with a very good appetite, and seemed charmed to see me eat. For +my part, I was so transported with the comparison of the delights I +now swam in, with the insipidity of all my past scenes of life, that I +thought them sufficiently cheap, at even the price of my ruin, or the +risk of their not lasting. The present possession was all my little head +could find room for. + +We lay together that night, when, after playing repeated prizes of +pleasure, nature, overspent and satisfied, gave us up to the arms of +sleep: those of my dear youth encircled me, the consciousness of which +made even that sleep more delicious. + +Late in the morning I waked, first; and observing my lover slept +profoundly, softly disengaged myself from his arms, scarcely daring to +breathe, for fear of shortening his repose; my cap, my hair, my shift, +were all in disorder, from the rufflings I had undergone; and I took +this opportunity to adjust and set them as well as I could: whilst, +every now and then, looking at the sleeping youth, with inconceivable +fondness and delight, and reflecting on all the pain he had put me to, +tacitly owned that the pleasure had overpaid me for my sufferings. + +It was then broad day. I was sitting up in the bed, the clothes of +which were all tossed, or rolled off, by the unquietness of our motions, +from the sultry heat of the weather; nor could I refuse myself a +pleasure that solicited me so irresistibly, as this fair occasion of +feasting my sight with all those treasures of youthful beauty I had +enjoyed, and which lay now almost entirely naked, his shirt being +trussed up in a perfect wisp, which the warmth of the season and room +made me easy about the consequence of. I hung over him enamoured indeed! +and devoured all his naked charms with only two eyes, when I could have +wished them at least an hundred for the fuller enjoyment of the gaze. + +Oh! could I paint his figure as I see it now, still present to my +transported imagination! a whole length of an all perfect manly beauty +in full view. Think of a face without a fault, glowing with all the +opening bloom and verdant freshness of an age, in which beauty is of +either sex, and which the first down over his upper lip scarce began to +distinguish. + +The parting of the double ruby pout of his lips seemed to exhale an air +sweeter and purer than what it drew in: ah! what violence did it not +cost me to refrain the so tempted kiss! + +Then a neck exquisitely turned, graved behind and on the sides with fais +hair, playing freely in natural ringlets, connected his head to a body +of the most perfect form, and of the most vigorous contexture, in which +all the strength of manhood was concealed, and softened to appearance +by the delicacy of his complexion, the smoothness of his skin, and the +plumpness of his flesh. + +The platform of his snow white bosom, that was laid out in a manly +proportion, presented, on the vermilion summit of each pap, the idea of +a rose about to blow. + +Nor did his shirt hinder me from observing the symmetry of his limbs, +that exactness of shape, in the fall of it towards the loins, where the +waist ends and the rounding swell of the hips commences; where the skin, +sleek, smooth, and dazzling white, burnishes on; the stretch-over firm, +plump, ripe flesh, that crimped' and ran into dimples at the least +pressure, or that the touch could not rest upon, but slid over on the +surface of the most polished ivory. + +His thighs, finely fashioned, and with a florid glossy roundness, +gradually tapering away to the knees, seemed pillars worthy to support +that beauteous frame at the bottom of which I could not, without +some remains of terror, some tender emotions too, fix my eyes on that +terrible machine, which had, not long before, with such fury broke into, +torn, and almost ruined those soft, tender parts of mine, that had not +yet done smarting with the effects of its rage; but behold it now! crest +fallen, reclining its half-caped vermilion head over one of his thighs, +quiet, pliant, and to all appearances incapable of the mischiefs and +cruelty it had committed. Then the beautiful growth of the hair, in +short and soft curls round its roots, its whiteness, branched veins, the +supple softness of the shaft, as it lay foreshortened, rolled and +shrunk up into a squat thickness, languid, and borne up from between +his thighs, by its globular appendage, that wondrous treasure bag +of nature's sweets, which revelled round, and pursed up in the +only wrinkles that are known to please, perfected the prospect, and +altogether formed the most interesting moving picture in nature, and +surely infinitely superior to those nudities furnished by the painters, +statuaries, or any art, which are purchased at immense prices; whilst +the sight of them in actual life is scarce sovereignly tasted by any +but the few whom nature has endowed with a fire of imagination, warmly +pointed by a truth of judgment to the spring-head, the originals of +beauty, of nature's unequalled composition, above all the imitations of +art, or the reach of wealth to pay their price. + +But every thing must have an end. A motion made by this angelic youth, +in the listlessness of goingoff sleep, replaced his shirt and the bed +clothes in a posture that shut up that treasury from longer view. + +I lay down then, and carrying my hands to that part of me in which the +objects just seen had begun to raise a mutiny, that prevailed over the +smart of them, my fingers now opened themselves an easy passage; but +long I had not time to consider the wide difference there, between +the maid and the now finished woman, before Charles waked, and turning +towards me, kindly enquired how I had rested? and, scarce giving me time +to answer, imprinted on my lips one of his burning rapture kisses, which +darted a flame to my heart, that from thence radiated to every part of +me; and presently, as if he had proudly meant revenge for the survey I +had smuggled of all his naked beauties, he spurns off the bed clothes, +and trussing up my shift as high as it would go, took his turn to feast +his eyes on all the gifts nature had bestowed on my person; his busy +hands, too, ranged intemperately over every part of me. The delicious +austerity and hardness of my yet unripe budding breasts, the whiteness +and firmness of my flesh, the freshness and regularity of my features, +the harmony of my limbs, all seemed to confirm him in his satisfaction +with his bargain; but when curious to explore the havock he had made +in the centre of his over fierce attack, he not only directed his hands +there, but with a pillow put under, placed me favourably for his +wanton purpose of inspection. Then, who can express the fire his eyes +glistened, his hands glowed with! whilst sighs of pleasure, and tender +broken exclamations, were all the praises he could utter. By this time +his machine, stiffly risen at me, gave me to see it in its highest state +and bravery. He feels it himself, seems pleased at its condition, and, +smiling loves and graces, seizes one of my hands, and carries it, with +gentle compulsion, to this pride of nature, and its richest master +piece. + +I, struggling faintly, could not help feeling what I could not grasp, a +column of the whitest ivory, beautifully streaked with blue veins, and +carrying, fully un-capt, a head of the liveliest vermilion: no horn +could be harder or stiffer; yet no velvet more smooth or delicious to +the touch. Presently he guided my hand lower, to that part in which +nature, and pleasure keep their stores in concert, so aptly fastened +and hung on to the root of their first instrument and minister, that not +improperly he might be styled their purse-bearer too: there he made +me feel distinctly, through their soft cover, the contents, a pair of +roundish balls, that seemed to play within, and elude all pressure, but +the tenderest, from without. + +But now this visit of my soft, warm hand, in those so sensible parts, +had put every thing into such ungovernable fury, disdaining all further +preluding, and taking advantage of my commodious posture, he made the +storm fall where I scarce patiently expected, and where he was sure +to lay it: presently, then, I felt the stiff intersection betwen the +yielding, divided lips of the wound, now open for life; where the +narrowness no longer put me to intolerable pain, and afforded my lover +no more difficulty than what heightened his pleasure, in the strict +embrace of that tender, warm sheath, round the instrument it was so +delicately adjusted to, and which now cased home, so gorged me with +pleasure, that it perfectly suffocated me and took away my breath; then +the killing thrusts! the unnumbered kisses! every one of which was a joy +inexpressible; and that joy lost in a crowd of yet greater blisses! But +this was a disorder too violent in nature to last long: the vessels, so +stirred and intensely heated, soon boiled over, and for that time +put out the fire; meanwhile all this dalliance and disport had so +far consumed the morning, that it became a kind of necessity to lay +breakfast and dinner into one. + +In our calmer intervals Charles gave the following account of himself, +every tittle of which was true. He was the only son of a father, who, +having a small post in the revenue, rather overlived his income, and had +given this young gentleman a very slender education: no profession +had he bred him up to, but designed to provide for him in the army, by +purchasing him an ensign's commission, that is to say, provided he could +raise the money, or procure it by interest, either of which clauses was +rather to be wished than hoped for by him. On no better a plan, however, +had his improvident father suffered this youth, a youth of great +promise, to run up to the age of manhood, or near it at least, in next +to idleness; and had, besides, taken no sort of pains to give him even +the common premonitions against the vices of the town, and the dangers +of all sorts which wait the unexperienced and unwary in it. He lived at +home, and at discretion with his father, who himself kept a mistress; +and for the rest, provided Charles did not ask him for money, he was +indolently kind to him: he might lie out when he pleased, any excuse +would serve, and even his reprimands were so slight, that they carried +with them rather an air of connivance at the fault, than any serious +control or constraint. But, to supply his calls for money, Charles, +whose mother was dead, had, by her side, a grandmother, who doated +upon him. She had a considerable annuity to live on, and very regularly +parted with every shilling she could spare, to this darling of her's, to +the no little heart-burn of his father; who was vexed, not that she, by +this means, fed his son's extravagance, but that she preferred Charles +to himself; and we shall too soon see what a fatal turn such a mercenary +jealousy could operate on the breast of a father. + +Charles was, however, by the means of his grandmother's lavish fondness, +very sufficiently enabled to keep a mistress, so easily contented as my +love made me; and my good fortune, for such I must ever call it, threw +me in his way, in the manner above related, just as he was on the +look-out for one. + +As to temper, the even sweetness of it made him seem born for domestic +happiness: tender, naturally polite, and gentle-manner'd; it could never +be his fault, if ever jars, or animosities ruffled a calm he was so +qualified every way to maintain or restore. Without those great or +shining qualities that constitute a genius, or are fit to make a noise +in the world, he had all those humble ones that compose the softer +social merit: plain common sense, set off with every grace of modesty +and good nature, made him, if not admired, what is much happier: +universally beloved and esteemed. But, as nothing but the beauties +of his person had at first attracted my regard and fixed my passion, +neither was I then a judge of the internal merit, which I had afterwards +full occasion to discover, and which, perhaps, in that season of +giddiness and levity, would have touched my heart very little, had it +been lodged in a person less the delight of my eyes, and idol of my +senses. But to return to our situation. + +After dinner, which we ate a-bed in most voluptuous disorder, Charles +got up, and taking a passionate leave of me for a few hours, went to +town, where concerting matters with a young sharp lawyer, they went +together to my late venerable mistress's, from whence I had, but the +day before, made my elopement, and with whom he was determined to settle +accounts, in a manner that should cut off all after reckonings from that +quarter. + +Accordingly they went; but by the way, the Templar, his friend, on +thinking over Charles's information, saw reason to give their visit +another turn, and, instead of offering satisfaction, to demand it. + +On being let in, the girls of the house flocked round Charles, whom they +knew, and from the earlyness of my escape, and their perfect ignorance +of his ever having so much as seen me, not having the least suspicion of +his being accessory to my flight, they were, in their way, making up to +him; and as to his companion, they took him probably for a fresh cully. +But the Templar soon checked their forwardness, by enquiring for the old +lady, with whom he said, with a grave-like countenance, that he had some +business to settle. + +Madam was immediately sent for down, and the ladies being desired to +clear the room, the lawyer asked her, severely, if she did know, or had +not decoyed, under pretence of hiring as a servant, a young girl, just +come out of the country, called Frances or Fanny Hill, describing me +withal as particularly as he could from Charlie's description. + +It is peculiar to vice to tremble at the enquiries of justice; and +Mrs. Brown, whose conscience was not entirely clear upon my account, +as knowing as she was of the town as hackneyed as she was in bluffing +through all the dangers of her vocation, could not help being alarmed at +the questions, especially when he went on to talk of a Justice of peace, +Newgate, the Old Bailey, indictments for keeping a disorderly house, +pillory, carting, and the whole process of that nature. She, who, it is +likely, imagined I had lodged an information against her house, looked +extremely blank, and began to make a thousand protestations and excuses. +However, to abridge, they brought away triumphantly my box of things, +which, had she not ben under an awe, she might have disputed with them; +and not only that, but a clearance and discharge of any demands on the +house, at the expense of no more than a bowl of arrack-punch, the +treat of which, together with the choice of the house conveniences, +was offered and not accepted. Charles all the time acted the chance +companion of the lawyer, who had brought him there, as he knew the +house, and appeared in no wise interested in the issue; but he had the +collateral pleasure of hearing all that I told him verified, as far as +the bawd's fears would give her leave to enter into my history, which, +if one may guess by the composition she so readily came into, were not +small. + +Phoebe, my kind tutoress Phoebe, was at the time gone out, perhaps in +search of me, or their cooked-up story had not, it is probable, passed +smoothly. + +This negociation had, however, taken up some time, which would have +appeared much longer to me, left as I was, in a strange house, if the +landlady, a motherly sort of a woman, to whom Charles had liberally +recommended me, had not come up and borne me company. We drank tea, and +her chat helped to pass away the time very agreeably, since he was our +theme; but as the evening deepened, and the hour set for his return was +elapsed, I could not dispel the gloom of impatience, and tender fears +which gathered upon me, and which our timid sex are apt to feel in +proportion to their love. + +Long, however, I did not suffer: the sight of him over-paid me; and the +soft reproach I had prepared for him, expired before it reached my lips. + +I was still a-bed, yet unable to use my legs otherwise than awkwardly, +and Charles flew to me, catches me in his arms, raised and extending +mine to meet his dear embrace, and gives me an account, interrupted by +many a sweet parenthesis of kisses, of the success of his measures. + +I could not help laughing at the fright of the old woman had been put +into, which my ignorance, and indeed my want of innocence, had far from +prepared me from bespeaking. She had, it seems, apprehended that I fled +the shelter to some relation I had recollected in town, on my dislike +of their ways and proceedings towards me, and that this application came +from thence; for, as Charles had rightly judged, not one neighbour had, +at that still hour, seen the circumstance of my escape into the coach, +or, at least, noticed him; neither had any in the house, the least hint +of suspicion of my having spoken to him, much less of my having clapt +up such a sudden bargain with a perfect stranger, thus the greatest +improbability is not always what we should most mistrust. + +We supped with all the gaiety of two young giddy creatures at the top of +their desires; and as I had given up to Charles the whole charge of my +future happiness, I thought of nothing beyond the exquisite pleasure of +possessing him. + +He came to bed in due time; and this second night, the pain being pretty +well over, I tasted, in full draught, all the transports of perfect +enjoyment: I swam, I bathed in bliss, till both fell asleep, through the +natural consequences of satisfied desires, and appeased flames; nor did +we wake but to renewed raptures. + +Thus, making the most of love, and life did we stay in this lodging +in Chelsea about ten days; in which time Charles took care to give his +excursions from home a favourable gloss, and to keep his footing +with his fond indulgent grand-mother, from whom he drew constant and +sufficient supplies for the charge I was to him, and which was very +trifling, in comparison with his former less regular course of pleasure. + +Charles removed me then to a private ready furnished lodging in D.... +street, St. James's, where he paid half a guinea a week for two rooms +and a closet on the second floor, which he had been some time looking +out for, and was more convenient for the frequency of his visits, than +where he had at first placed me, in a house, which I cannot say but +I left with regret, as it was infinitely endeared to me by the first +possession of my Charles, and the circumstance of losing, there, that +jewel, which can never be twice lost. The landlord, however, had no +reason to complain of any thing, but of a procedure in Charles too +liberal not to make him regret the loss of us. + +Arrived at our new lodging, I remember I thought them extremely fine, +though ordinary enough, even at that price; but, had it been a dungeon +that Charles had brought me to, his presence would have made a little +Versailles. + +The landlady, Mrs. Jones, waited on us to our apartment, and with great +volubility of tongue, explained to us all its conveniences: "that her +own maid should wait on us... that the best of quality had lodged at +her house... that her first floor was let to a foreign secretary of an +embassy, and his lady... that I looked like a very good natured lady..." +At the word lady, I blushed out of flattered vanity: this was strong +for a girl of my condition; for though Charles had the precaution of +dressing me in a less tawdry flaunting style than were the clothes I +escaped to him in, and of passing me for his wife, that she had secretly +married, and kept private (the old story) on account of his friends, I +dare swear this appeared extremely apocryphal to a woman who knew the +town so well as she did; but that was the least of her concern: it was +impossible to be less scruple-ridden than she was; and the advantage of +letting her rooms being her sole object, the truth itself would have far +from scandalized her, or broke her bargain. + +A sketch of her picture, and personal history, will dispose you to +account for the part she is to act in my concern. + +She was about forty six years old, tall, meagre, red-haired, with one +of those trivial ordinary faces you meet with every where, and go +about unheeded and un-mentioned. In her youth she had been kept by a +gentleman, who, dying, left her forty pounds a year during her life, in +consideration of a daughter he had by her: which daughter, at the age +of seventeen, she sold, for not a very considerable sum neither, to a +gentleman who was going on envoy abroad, and took his purchase with him, +where he used her with the utmost tenderness, and it is thought, was +secretly married to her: but had constantly made a point of her not +keeping up the least correspondence with a mother base enough to make a +market of her own flesh and blood. However, as she had not nature, +nor, indeed, any passion but that of money, this gave her no further +uneasiness, then, as she thereby lost a handle of squeezing pres-sents, +or other after-advantages, out of the bargain. Indifferent then, by +nature of constitution, to every other pleasure but that of increasing +the lump, by any means whatever, she commenced a kind of private +procuress, for which she was not amiss fitted, by her grave decent +appearance, and sometimes did a job in the match-making way; in short, +there was, nothing that appeared to her under the shape of gain, that +she would not have undertaken. She knew most of the ways of the town, +having not only herself been upon, but kept up constant intelligences in +promoting a harmony between the two sexes, in private pawn-broking, and +other profitable secrets. She rented the house she lived in, and made +the most of it, by letting it out in lodgings; though she was worth, at +least, near three or four thousand pounds, she would not allow herself +even the necessaries, of life, and pinned her subsistence entirely on +what she could squeeze out of her lodgers. + +When she saw such a young pair come under her roof, her immediate +notions, doubtless, were how she should make the most money of us, by +every means that money might be made, and which, she rightly judged, our +situations and inexperience would soon beget her occasions of. + +In this hopeful sanctuary, and under the clutches of this harpy, did +we pitch our residence. It will not be might material to you, or very +pleasant to me, to enter into a detail of all the petty cut-throat ways +and means with which she used to fleece us; all which Charles indolently +chose to bear with, rather than take the trouble of removing, the +difference of expense being scarce attended to by a young gentleman who +had no ideas of stint, or even economy, and a raw country girl who knew +nothing of the matter. + +Here, however, under the wings of my sovereignly beloved, did the most +delicious hours of my life flow on; my Charles I had, and, in him, +every thing my fond heart could wish or desire. He carried me to plays, +operas, masquerades, and every diversion of the town; all which pleased +me, indeed, but pleased me infinitely the more for his being with me, +and explaining every thing to me, and enjoying perhaps, the natural +impressions of surprise and admiration, which such sights, at the first, +never fail to excite in a country girl, new to the delights of them; but +to me, they sensibly proved the power and dominion of the sole passion +of my heart over me, a passion in which soul and body were concentered, +and left me no room for any other relish of life but love. + +As to the men I saw at those places, or at any other, they suffered so +much in the comparison my eyes made of them with my all-perfect Adonis, +that I had not the infidelity even of one wandering thought to reproach +myself with upon his account. He was the universe to me, and all that +was not him, was nothing to me. + +My love, in fine, was so excessive, that is arrived at annihilating +every suggestion or kindling spark of jealousy; for, one idea only, +tending that way, gave me such exquisite torment, that my self-love, and +dread of worse than death, made me for ever renounce and defy it: nor +had I, indeed, occasion; for, were I to enter here on the recital of +several instances wherein Charles sacrificed to me women of much greater +importance than I dare hint (which, considering his form, was no such +wonder), I might, indeed, give you full proof of his unshaken constancy +to me; but would not you accuse me of warming up against a feast, which +my vanity ought long ago to have been satisfied with? + +In our cessations from active pleasure, Charles framed himself one, in +instructing me, as far as his own lights reached, in a great many +points of life, that I was, in consequence of my no-education, perfectly +ignorant of: nor did I suffer one word to fall in vain from the mouth of +my lovely teacher: I hung on every syllable he uttered, and received, +as oracles, all he said; whilst kisses were all the interruption I could +not refuse myself the pleasure of admitting, from lips that breathed +more than Arabian sweetness, I was in a little time enabled, by the +progress I had made, to prove the deep regard I had paid to all that he +had said to me: repeating it to him almost word for word; and to shew +that I was not entirely the parrot, but that I reflected upon, that I +entered into it, I joined my own comments, and asked him questions of +explanation. + +My country accent, and the rusticity of my gait, manners, and +deportment, began now sensibly to wear off: so quick was my observation, +and so efficacious my desire of growing every day worthier of his heart. + +As to money, though, he brought me constantly all he received, it was +with difficulty he even got me to give it room in my bureau; and what +clothes I had, he could prevail on me to accept of on no other foot, +than that of pleasing him by the greater neatness in my dress, beyond +which I had no ambition. I could have made a pleasure of the greatest +toil, and worked my fingers to the bone, with joy, to have supported +him: guess, then, if I could harbour any idea of being burthensome to +him, and this disinterested turn in me was so unaffected, so much the +dictate of my heart, that Charles could not but feel it: and if he did +not love me as much as I did him (which was the constant and only matter +of sweet contention between us), he managed so, at least, as to give me +the satisfaction of believing it impossible for man to be more tender, +more true, more faithful than he was. + +Our landlady, Mrs. Jones, came frequently up to my apartment, from +whence I never stirred on any pretext without Charles; nor was it +long before she wormed out, without much art, the secret of our having +cheated the church of a ceremony, and, in course, of the terms we lived +together upon; a circumstance which far from displeased her, considering +the designs she had upon me, and which, alas! she will have too soon, +room to carry into execution. But in the meantime, her own experience +of life let her see, that any attempt, however indirect or disguised, +to divert or break, at least presently, so strong a cement of hearts +as ours was, could only end in losing two lodgers, of whom she had made +very competent advantages, if either of us came to smoke her commission, +for a commission she had from one of her customers, either to debauch, +or get me away from my keeper at any rate. + +But the barbarity of my fate soon saved her the task of disuniting us. +I had now been eleven months with this life of my life, which had passed +in one continued rapid stream of delight: but nothing so violent was +ever made to last. I was about three months gone with a child by him, +a circumstances would have added to his tenderness, had he ever left +me room to believe it could receive an addition, when the mortal, the +unexpected blow of separation fell upon us. I shall gallop post-over +the particulars, which I shudder yet to think of, and cannot; to this +instant, reconcile myself how, or by what means I could out-live it. + +Two live-long days had I lingered through without hearing from him, I +who breathed, who existed but in him, and had never yet seen twenty-four +hours pass without seeing or hearing from him. The third day my +impatience was so strong, my alarms had been so severe, that I perfectly +sickened with them; and being unable to support the shock longer, I sunk +upon the bed, and ringing for Mrs. Jones, who had far from comforted +me under my anxieties, she came up, and I had scarce breath and spirit +enough to find words to beg of her, if she would save my life, to fall +upon some means of finding out, instantly, what was become of its +only prop and comfort. She pitied me in a way that rather sharpened my +affliction than suspended it, and went out upon this commission. + +For she had but to go to Charles's house, who lived but an easy +distance, in one of the streets that run into Covent Garden. There she +went into a public house, and from thence sent for a mid servant, whose +name I had given her, as the properest to inform her. + +The maid readily came, and as readily, when Mrs. Jones enquired of her +what had become of Mr. Charles, or whether he was gone out of town, +acquainted her with the disposal of her master's son, which, the very +day after, was no secret to the servants. Such sure measures had he +taken, for the most cruel punishment of his child for having more +interest with his grandmother than he had, though he made use of a +pretence, plausible enough, to get rid of him in this secret abrupt +manner, for fear her fondness should have interposed a bar to his +leaving England, and proceeding on a voyage he had concerted for him; +which pretext was, that it was indispensably necessary to secure a +considerable inheritance that devolved to him by the death of a rich +merchant (his own brother) at one of the factories in the South Seas, of +which he had lately received advice, together with a copy of the will. + +In consequence of which resolution, to send away his son, he had, +unknown to him, made the necessary preparations for fitting him out, +struck a bargain with the captain of a ship, whose punctual execution of +his orders he had secured, by his interest with his principal owners +and patron; and, in short, concerted his measures so secretly, and +effectually, that whilst the son thought he was going down to the +river, that would take him a few hours, he was stopt on board of a ship, +debarred from writing, and more strictly watched than a State criminal. + +Thus was the idol of my soul torn from me, and forced on a long voyage, +without taking leave of one friend, or receiving one line of comfort, +except a dry explanation and instructions, from his father, how to +proceed when he should arrive at his destined port, enclosing, withal, +some letters of recommendation to a factor there: all these particulars +I did not learn minutely till some time after. + +The maid, at the same time, added, that she was sure this usage of her +sweet young master would be the death of his grand-mamma, as indeed it +proved true; for the old lady, on hearing it, did not survive the news +a whole month, and as her fortune consisted in an annuity, out of which +she had laid up no reserves, she left nothing worth mentioning to her so +fatally envied darling, but absolutely refused to see his father before +she died. + +When Mrs. Jones returned, and I observed her looks, they seemed so +unconcerned, and even nearest to pleased, that I half flattered myself +she was going to set my tortured heart at ease, by bringing me good +news; but this, indeed, was a cruel delusion of hope: the barbarian, +with all the coolness imaginable, stabs me to the heart, in telling +me, succinctly, that he was sent away, at least, on a four years' voyage +(here she stretched maliciously), and that I could not expect, +in reason, ever to see him again: and all this with such pregnant +circumstances, that I could not escape giving them credit, as they were, +indeed, too true! + +She had hardly finished her report before I fainted away, and after +several successive fits, all the while wild and senseless, I miscarried +of the dear pledge of my Charles's love; but the wretched never die when +it is fittest they should die, and women are hard-lived! to a proverb. + +The cruel and interested care taken to recover me, saved an odious life: +which, instead of the happiness and joys it had overflower in, all of +a sudden presented no view before me of any thing but the depth of +misery, horror, and the sharpest affliction. + +Thus I lay six weeks, in the struggles of youth and constitution, +against the friendly efforts of death, which I constantly invoked to +my relief and deliverance, but which proved too weak for my wish. I +recovered at length, but into a state of stupefaction and despair, that +threatened me with the loss of my senses, and a mad house. + +Time, however, that great comforter in ordinary, began to assuage the +violence of my suffering, and to-numb my feeling of them. My health +returned to me, though I still retained an air of grief, dejection, and +languor, which taking off from the ruddiness of my country complexion, +rendered it rather more delicate and affecting. + +The landlady had all this while officiously provided, and seen that I +wanted for nothing: and as soon as she saw me retrieved into a condition +of answering her purpose, one day, after we had dined together, she +congratulated me on my recovery, the merit of which she took entirely +to herself, and all this by way of introduction to a most terrible, and +scurvy epilogue: "You are now," says she, "Miss Fanny, tolerably well, +and you are very welcome to stay in these lodgings as; long as you +please! you see I have asked you for nothing this long time, but truly +I have a call to make up a sum of money, which must be answered." +And, with that, presents me with a bill of arrears for rent, diet, +apothecaries' charges, nurse, etc., sum total twenty-three pounds, +seventeen and six-pence: towards discharging of which I had not in the +world (which she well knew) more than seven guineas, left by chance, of +my dear Charles's common stock, with me. At the same time, she desired +me to tell her what course I would take for payment. I burst out into +a flood of tears, and told her my condition: that I would sell what +few clothes I had, and that, for the rest, would pay her as soon as +possible. But my distress, being favourable to her view, only stiffened +her the more. + +She told me, very cooly, that "she was indeed sorry for my misfortunes, +but that she must do herself justice, though it would go to the very +heart of her to send such a tender young creature to prison...." At the +word "prison!" every drop of my blood chilled, and my fright acted so +strongly upon me, that, turning as pale and faint as a criminal at the +first sight of his place of execution, I was on the point of swooning. +My landlady, who wanted only to terrify me to a certain point, and not +to throw me into a state of body inconsistent with her designs upon it, +began to sooth me again, and told me, in a tone composed to more pity +and gentleness, that "it would be my own fault, if she was forced to +proceed to such extremities; but she believed there was a friend to be +found in the world, who would make up matters to both our satisfactions, +and that she would bring him to drink tea with us that very afternoon, +when she hoped we would come to a right understanding in our affairs." +To all this, not a word of answer; I sat mute, confounded, terrified. + +Mrs. Jones, however, judging rightly that it was time to strike while +the impressions were so strong upon me, left me to myself and to all +the terrors of an imagination, wounded to death by the idea of going to +prison, and, from a principle of self-preservation, snatching at every +glimpse of redemption from it. + +In this situation I sat near half an hour, swallowed up in grief and +despair, when my landlady came in, and observing a death-like dejection +in my countenance, still in pursuance of her plan, put on a false pity, +and bidding me be of good heart: "Things," she said, "would be but +my own friend"; and closed with telling me "she had brought a very +honourable gentleman to drink tea with me, who would give me the best +advice how to get rid of all my troubles." Upon which, without waiting +for a reply, she goes out, and returns with this very honourable +gentleman, whose very honourable procuress she had been, on this, as +well as other occasions. + +The gentleman, on his entering the room, made me a very civil bow, which +I had scarce strength, or presence of mind enough to return a curtsey +to; when the landlady, taking upon her to do all the honours of the +first interview (for I had never, that I remember, seen the gentleman +before), sets a chair for him, another for herself. All this while not a +word on either side; a stupid stare was all the face I could put on this +strange visit. + +The tea was made, and the landlady, unwilling, I suppose, to lose any +time, observing my silence and shyness before this entire stranger: +"Come, Miss Fanny," says she, in a coarse familiar style, and tone of +authority, "hold up your head, child, and do not let sorrow spoil that +pretty face of yours. What! sorrows are only for a time; come, be free, +here is a worthy gentleman who has heard of your misfortunes, and is +willing to serve you; you must be better acquainted with him, do not you +now stand upon your punctilios, and this and that, but make your market +while you may." + +At this so delicate, and eloquent harangue, the gentleman, who saw I +loooked frighted and amazed, and, indeed, incapable of answering, took +her up for breaking things in so abrupt a manner, as rather to shock +than incline me to an acceptance of the good he intended me then, +addressing himself to me, told me "he was perfectly acquainted with my +whole story, and every circumstance of my distress which he owned was a +cruel plunge for one of my youth and beauty to fall into.... that he had +long taken a liking to my person, for which he appealed to Mrs. Jones, +there present; but finding me so deeply engaged to another, he had lost +all hopes of succeeding, till he had heard the sudden reverse of fortune +that had happened to me, on which he had given particular orders to my +landlady to see that I should want for nothing; and that, had he not +been forced abroad to the Hague, on affairs he could not refuse himself +to, he would himself have attended me during my sickness;... that on +his return, which was the day before, he had, on learning my recovery, +desired my landlady's good offices to introduce him to me, and was +as angry, at least, as I was shocked, at the manner in which she had +conducted herself towards obtaining him that happiness; but, that to +show me how much he disdained her procedure, and how far he was from +taking any ungenerous advantage of my situation, and from exacting +any security for my gratitude, he would before my face, that instant, +discharge my debt entirely to my landlady, and give me her receipt in +full; after which I should be at liberty either to reject or grant his +suit, as he was much above putting any force upon my inclinations." + +Whilst he was exposing his sentiments to me, I ventured just to look up +to him, and observed his figure, which was that of a very well-looking +gentleman, well made, of about forty, dressed in a suit of plain +clothes, with a large diamond ring on one of his fingers, the lustre of +which played in my eyes as he waved his hand in talking, and raised my +notions of his importance. In short, he might pass for what is commonly +called a comely black man, with an air of distinction natural to his +birth and condition. + +To all his speeches, however, I answered only in tears that flower +plentifully to my relief, and choking up my voice, excused me from +speaking, very luckily, for I should not have known what to say. + +The sight, however, moved him, as he afterwards told me, irresistibly, +and by way of giving me some reason to be less powerfully afflicted, he +drew out his purse, and calling for pen and ink, which the landlady was +prepared for, paid her every farthing of her demand, independent of a +liberal gratification which was to follow unknown to me, and taking a +receipt in full, very tenderly forced me to secure it, by guiding my +hand, which he had thrust it into, so as to make me passively put it +into my pocket. + +Still I continued in a state of stupidity, or melancholic despair, as +my spirits could not yet recover from the violent shocks that they had +received; and the accommodating landlady had actually left the room, and +me alone with this strange gentleman, before I had observed it, and then +I observed it without alarm, for I was now lifeless, and indifferent to +every thing. + +The gentleman, however, no novice in affairs of this sort, drew near me; +and, under the pretence of comforting me, first with his handkerchief +dried my tears as they ran down my cheeks: presently he ventured to kiss +me on my part, neither resistance nor compliance. I sat stock still; and +now looking on myself as bought by the payment that had been transacted +before me. + +I did not care what became of my wretched body: and wanting life, +spirits, or courage to oppose the least struggle, even that of the +modesty of my sex, I suffered, tamely, whatever the gentleman pleased; +who proceeding insensibly from freedom to freedom, insinuating his hand +between my handkerchief and bosom, which he handled at discretion: +finding thus no repulse, and that every thing favoured, beyond +expectation, the completion of his desires, he took me in his arms, and +bore me, without life or motion, to the bed, on which laying me gently +downed, and having me at what advantage he pleased, I did not so much +as know what he was about, till recovering from a trance of lifeless +insensibility, I found him buried in me, whilst I lay passive and +innocent of the least sensations of pleasure: a death-cold corpse could +scarce have less life or sense in it. As soon as he had thus pacified +a passion which had too little respected the condition I was in, he got +off, and after recomposing the disorder of my clothes, employed himself +with the utmost tenderness to calm the transports of remorse and madness +at myself, with which I was seized, too late, I confess, for having +suffered on that bed, the embraces of an utter stranger I tore my hair, +wrung my hands, and beat my breast like a mad woman. But when my new +master, for in that light I then viewed him, applied himself to appease +me, as my whole rage was levelled at myself, no part of which I thought +myself permitted to aim at him, I begged of him with more submission +than anger, to leave me alone, that I might, at least, enjoy my +affliction in quiet. This he positively refused, for fear, as he +pretended, I should do myself a mischief. Violent passions seldom last +long, and those of women least of any. A dead still calm succeeded this +storm, which ended in a profuse shower of tears. + +Had any one, but a few instants before, told me that I should have ever +known any man but Charles, I would have spit in his face or had I been +offered infinitely a greater sum of money than that I saw paid for me, +I had spurned the proposal in cold blood. But our virtues and our vices +depend too much on our circumstances; unexpectedly beset as I was, +betrayed by a mind weakened by a long severe affliction, and stunned +with the terrors of a goal, my defeat will appear the more excusable, +since I certainly was not present at, or a party in any sense to it. +However, as the first enjoyment is decisive, and he was now over the +bar, I thought I had no longer a right to refuse the caresses of one +that had got that advantage over me, no matter how obtained; conforming +myself then to this maxim, I considered myself as so much in his power, +that I endured his kisses and embraces without affecting struggles or +anger; not that he, as yet, gave me any pleasure, or prevailed over the +aversion of my soul, to give myself up to any sensation of that sort; +what I suffered, I suffered out of a kind of gratitude, and as a matter +of course what had passed. + +He was, however, so regardful as not to attempt the renewal of those +extremities which had thrown me, just before, into such violent +agitations; but, now secure of possession, contented himself with +bringing me to temper by degrees, and waiting at the hand of time +for those fruits of generosity and courtship, which he since often +reproached himself with having gathered much too green, when, yielding +to the inability to resist him, and overborne by desires, he had wreaked +his passion on a mere lifeless, spiritless body, dead to all purpose of +joy, since taking none, it ought to be supposed incapable of giving any. +This is, however, certain; my heart never thoroughly forgave him the +manner in which I had fallen to him, although, in point of interest, +I had fallen to him, I had reason to be pleased that he found, in my +person, wherewithal to keep him from leaving me as easily as he had had +me. + +The evening was, in the mean time, so far advanced, that the maid came +in to lay the cloth for supper, when I understood, with joy, that my +landlady, whose sight was present poison to me, was not to be with us. + +Presently a neat and elegant supper was introduced, and a bottle of +Burgundy, with the other necessaries, were set on a dumb-waiter. + +The maid quitting the room, the gentleman insisted, with a tender +warmth, that I should sit up in the elbow chair by the fire, and see him +eat, if I could not be prevailed on to eat myself. I obeyed with a heart +full or affliction, at the comparison it made between those delicious +tete-a-tetes with my very dear youth, and this forced situation, this +new awkward scene, imposed and obtruded on me a cruel necessity. + +At supper, after a great many arguments used to comfort and reconcile +me to my fate, he told me that his name was H..., brother to the Earl +of L.... and that having, by the suggestions of my landlady, been led +to see me, he had found me perfectly to his taste, and given her +a commission to procure me at any rate, and that at length he had +succeeded, as much to his satisfaction as he passionately wished it +might be to mine adding, withal, some flattering assurances, that I +should have no cause to repent my knowledge of him. + +I had now got down at least half a partridge, and three or four glasses +of wine, which he compelled me to drink by way of restoring nature, but +whether there was any thing extraordinary put into the wine, or whether +there wanted no more to revive the natural warmth of my constitution, +and give fire to the old train, I began no longer to look with that +constraint, not to say disguise, on Mr. H...., which I had hitherto +done but, withal, there was not the least grain of love mixed with this +softening of my sentiments: any other man would have been just the same +to me as Mr. H..., that stood in the same circumstances, and had done +for me, and with me, what he had done. + +There are not, on earth at least, eternal griefs; mine were, if not at +an end, at least suspended: my heart, which had been so long overloaded +with anguish and vexation, began to dilate and open to the last gleam +of diversion or amusement. I wept a little, and my tears relieved me; I +sighed, and my sighs seemed to lighten me of a load that oppressed me; +my countenance grew, if not cheerful, at least more composed and free. + +Mr. H..., who had watched, perhaps brought on this change, knew too well +not to seize it: he thrust the table imperceptibly from between us, and +bringing his chair to face me, he soon began, after preparing me by all +the endearments of assurance and protestations, to lay hold of my hands, +to kiss me, and once more to make free with my bosom, which, being at +full liberty from the disorder of a loose dishabile, now panted and +throbbed, less with indignation than with fear and bashfulness, at being +used so familiarly by still a stranger. But he soon gave me greater +occasion to exclaim, by stooping down and slipping his hands above my +garters; thence he strove to regain the pass, which he had before found +so open, and unguarded; but now he could not unlock the twist of my +thighs; I gently complained, and begged him to let me alone; told him +I was not well. However, he saw there was more form and ceremony in my +resistance, than good earnest; he made his conditions for desisting from +pursuing his point, that I should be put instantly to bed, whilst he +gave certain orders to the landlady, and that he would return in an +hour, when he hoped to find me more reconciled to his passion for me, +than I seemed at present. I neither assented nor denied, but my air and +manner of receiving his proposal, gave him to see that I did not think +myself enough my own mistress to refuse it. + +Accordingly he went out and left me, when a minute or two after, before +I could recover myself into any composure for thinking, the maid came +in with her mistress's service, and a small silver orringer of what she +called a bridal posset, and desired me to eat it as I went to bed, +which consequently I did, and felt immediately a heat, a fire run like a +hue-and-cry through every part of my body; I burnt, I glowed, and wanted +even little of wishing for any man. + +The maid, as soon as I was lain down, took the candle away, and wishing +me a good night, went out of the room, and shut the door after her. + +She had hardly time to get down stairs, before Mr. H.... opened my room +door softly, and came in, now undressed, in his night-gown and cap, +with two lighted wax candles, and bolting the door, gave me, though I +expected him, some sort of alarm. He came a tip-toe to the bed side, and +saying with a gentle whisper: "Pray, my dear, do not be startled... I +will be very tender and kind to you." He then hurried off his clothes, +and leaped into bed, having given me openings enough, whilst he was +stripping, to observe his brawny structure, strong made limbs, and rough +shaggy breast. + +The bed shook again when it received this new load. He lay on +the outside, where he kept the candles burning, no doubt for the +satisfaction of every sense, for as soon as he had kissed me, he rolled +down the bed clothes, and seemed transported with the view of all my +person at full length, which he covered with a profusion of kisses, +sparing no part of me. Then, being on his knees between my thighs, he +drew up his shirt, and bared all his hairy thighs, and stiff staring +truncheon, red top, and rooted into a thicket of curls, which covered +his belly to the novel, and gave it the air of a flesh brush; and soon +I feel it joining close to mine, when he had drove the nail up to the +head, and left no partition but the intermediate hair on both sides. + +I had it now, I felt it now, and, beginning to drive, he soon gave +nature such a powerful summons down to her favourite quarters, that she +could no longer refuse repairing thither; all my animals spirits then +rushed mechanically to that center of attraction, and presently, inly +warmed, and stirred as I was beyond bearing, I lost all restraint, and +yielding to the force of the emotion, gave down, as mere woman, those +effusions of pleasure, which, in the strictness of still faithful love, +I could have wished to have kept in. + +Yet oh! what an immense difference did I feel between this impression of +a pleasure merely animal, and struck out of the collision of the sexes, +by a passive bodily effect, from that sweet fury, that rage of active +delight which crowns the enjoyments of a mutual love passion, where two +hearts, tenderly and truly united, club to exalt the joy, and give it +a spirit and soul that bids defiance to that end which mere momentary +desires generally terminate in, when they die of a surfeit of +satisfaction! + +Mr. H..., whom no distinctions of that sort seemed to distract, scarce +gave himself or me breathing time from the last encounter, but, as if he +had tasked himself to prove that the appearances of his vigour were +no signs hung out in vain, in a few minutes he was in a condition for +renewing the onset; to which, preluding with a storm of kisses, he drove +the same course as before, with unbated fervour; and thus, in repeated +engagements, kept me constantly in exercise, till dawn of morning, in +all which time he made me fully sensible of the virtues of his firm +texture of limbs, his square shoulders, broad chest, compact hard +muscles, in short a system of manliness, that might pass for no bad +image of our ancient sturdy barons, whose race is now so thoroughly +refined and frittered away into the more delicate and modern built frame +of our pap-nerved softlings, who are as pale, as pretty, and almost as +masculine as their sisters. + +Mr. H..., content, however, with having the day break upon his triumph, +resigned me up to the refreshment of a rest we both wanted, and we soon +dropped into a profound sleep. + +Though he was some time awake before me, yet he did not offer to disturb +a repose he had given me so much occasion for; but on my first stirring, +which was not till past ten o'clock, I was obliged to endure one more +trial of his manhood. + +About eleven, in came Mrs. Jones, with two basins of the richest soup, +which her experience in these matters had moved her to prepare. I pass +over the fulsome compliments, the cant of the decent procuress, with +which she saluted us both; but though my blood rose at the sight of her, +I supprest my emotions, and gave all my concerne to reflections on what +would be the consequence of this new engagement. + +But Mr. H..., who penetrated my uneasiness, did not suffer me to +languish under it, and acquainted me, that having taken a solid sincere +affection to me, he would begin by giving me one leading mark of it, in +removing me out of a house which must, for many reasons, be irksome and +disagreeable to me, into convenient lodgings, where he would take all +imaginable care of me; and desiring not to have any explanations with +my landlady, or be impatient till he returned, he dressed and went out, +having left me a purse with two and twenty guineas in it, being all +he had about him, as he express it, to keep my pocket still further +supplied. + +As soon as he was gone, I felt the usual consequence of the first launch +into vice (for my love attachment to Charles never appeared to me in +that light). I was instantly borne away down the stream without making +back to the shore. My dreadful necessities, my gratitude, and above all, +to say the plain truth, the dissipation and diversion I began to find +in this new acquaintance, from the black corroding thoughts my heart had +been a prey to, ever since the absence of my dear Charles, concurred to +stun all my contrary reflections. If I now thought of my first, my only +charmer, it was still with the tenderness and regret of the fondest +love, embittered with the consciousness that I was no longer worthy +of him. I could have begged my bread with him all over the world, but +wretch that I was! I had neither the virtue or courage requisite not to +outlive my separation from him. + +Yet, had not my heart been thus preengaged, Mr. H... might probably have +been the sole master of it; but the place was full, and the force of +conjectures alone had made him the possessor of my person; the charms +of which had, by the bye, been his sole object and passion, and were, of +course, no foundation for a love either very delicate or very durable. + +He did not return till six in the evening', to take me away to my +new lodgings; and my moveables being soon packed, and conveyed into +a hackney coach, it cost me but little regret to take my leave of a +landlady whom I thought I had so much reason not to be over pleased +with; and as for her part, she made no other difference to my staying or +going, but what that of the profit created. + +We soon got to the house appointed for me, which was that of a plain +tradesman, who, on the score of interest, was entirely at Mr. H...'s +devotion, and who let him the first floor, very genteelly furnished, +for two guineas a week, of which I was instated mistress, with a maid to +attend me. + +He stayed with me that evening, and we had a supper from a neighbouring +tavern, after which, and a gay glass or two, the maid put me to bed. Mr. +H.... soon followed, and notwithstanding the fatigues of the preceding +night, I found no quarter nor remission from him: he piquet himself, as +he told me, on doing the honours of my new apartment. + +The morning being pretty well advanced, we got to breakfast; and the ice +now broke, my heart, no longer engrossed by love, began to take ease, +and to please itself with such trifles Mr. H....'s liberal liking led +him to make his court to the usual vanity of our sex. Silks, laces: +ear rings, pearl necklace, gold watch, in sort, all the trinkets and +articles of dress were lavishly heaped upon me; the sence of which, if +it did not create returns of love, forced a kind of grateful fondness, +something like love: a distinction which it would be spoiling the +pleasure of nine tenths of the keepers in the town to make, and is, I +suppose, the very good reason why so few of them ever do make it. + +I was now established the kept mistress in form, well lodged, with a +very sufficient allowance, and lighted up with all the lustre of dress. + +Mr. H.... continued kind and tender to me; yet, with all this, I was +far from happy: for, besides my regrets for my dear youth, which, +though often suspended or diverted, still returned upon me in certain +melancholic moments with redoubled violence, I wanted more society, +more dissipation. + +As to Mr. H.... he was so much my superior in every sense, that I felt +it too much to the disadvantage of the gratitude I owed him. Thus he +gained my esteem, though he could not raise my taste; I was qualified +for no sort of conversation with him, except one sort, and that is a +satisfaction which leaves tiresome intervals, if not filled up by love, +or other amusements. + +Mr. H...., so experienced, so learned in the ways of women, numbers +of whom had passed through his hands, doubtless, soon perceived this +uneasiness, and, without approving, or liking me the better for it, had +the complaisance to indulge me. + +He made suppers at my lodging, where he brought several companions of +his pleasures, with their mistresses; and by this means I got into a +circle of acquaintance, that soon stripped me of all the remains of +bashfulness and modesty which might be yet left of my country education, +and were, to a just taste, perhaps, the greatest of my charms. + +We visited one another in form, and mimicked, as near as we could, all +the miseries, the follies, and impertinencies of the women in quality, +in the round of which they trifle away their time, without it ever +entering their little heads, that on earth there cannot subsist any +thing more silly, more flat, more insipid and worthless, than, generally +considered, their system of life is: they ought to treat the men as +their tyrants, indeed! were they to condemn them to it. + +But though, amongst the kept mistresses (and I was now acquainted with +a good many, besides some useful matrons, who live by their connexions +with them), I hardly knew one that did not perfectly detest their +keepers, and, of course, made little or no scruple of any infidelity +they could safely accomplish, I had still no notion of wronging mine: +for, besides that no mark of jealousy on his side started me the hint, +or gave me the provocation to play him a trick of that sort, and that +his constant generosity, politeness, and tender attention to please me, +forced a regard to him, that, without affecting my heart, insured him my +fidelity, no object had yet presented that could overcome the habitual +liking I had contracted for him and I was on the eve of obtaining, from +the movements of his own voluntary generosity, a modest provision for +life, when an accident happened which broke all the measures he had +resolved upon in my favour. + +I had now lived near seven months with Mr. H.... when one day returning +to my lodgings, from a visit in the neighbourhood, where I used to stay +longer, I found the street door open, and the maid of the house standing +at it, talking with some of her acquaintance, so that I came in without +knocking and, as I passed by, she told me Mr. H.... was above. I slept +up stairs into my own bed-chamber, with no other thought than of pulling +off my hat etc., and then to wait upon him in the dining room, into +which my bed-chamber had a door, as is common enough. Whilst I was +untying my hat strings, I fancied I heard my maid Hannah's voice and a +sort of tustle, which raised my curiosity; I stole softly to the door, +where a knot in the wood had been slipped out, and afforded a very +commanding peep-hole to the scene then in agitation, the actors of which +had been to earnestly employed to hear my opening my own door, from the +landing place of the stairs, into my bedchamber. + +The first sight that struck me was Mr. H.... pulling and hauling this +coarse country strammel towards a couch that stood in a corner of the +dining-room; to which the girl made only a sort of awkward holdening +resistance, crying out so loud, that I, who listened at the door, could +scarce hear her: "Pray Sir, don't.., let me alone... I am not for your +turn... You cannot, sure, demean yourself with such a poor body as I... +Lord! Sir, my mistress may come home... I must not indeed... I will +cry out..." All of which did not hinder her from insensibly suffering +herself to be brought to the foot of the couch, upon which a push of no +mighty violence served to give her a very easy fall, and my gentleman +having got up his hands to the strong hold of her Virtue, she, no +doubt, thought it was time to give up the argument, and that all further +defense would be vain: and he, throwing her petticoats over her face, +which was now as red as scarlet, discovered a pair of stout, plump, +substantial thighs, and tolerably white; he mounted them round his haps, +and coming out with his drawn weapon, stuck it in the cloven sport, +where he seemed to find a less difficult entrance than perhaps he had +flattered himself with (for, by the way, this blouse had left her place +in the country, for a bastard), and, indeed, all his motions shewed he +was lodged pretty much at large. After he had done, his Deare gets up, +drops her petticoats down, and smooths her apron and handkerchief. Mr. +H.... looked a little silly, and taking out some money, gave it her, +with an air indifferent enough, bidding her be a good girl, and say +nothing. + +Had I loved this man, it was not in nature for me to have had patience +to see the whole scene through: I should have broke in and played the +jealous princess with a vengeance. But that was not the case: my pride +alone was hurt, my heart not, and I could easier win upon myself to see +how far he would go, till I had no uncertainty upon my conscience. + +The least delicate of all affairs of this sort being now over, I retired +softly into my closet, where I began to consider what I should do. My +first scheme naturally, was to rush in and upbraid them; this, indeed, +flattered my present emotions and vexations, as it would have given +immediate vent to them; but, on second thoughts, not being so clear +as to the consequence to be apprehended from such a step, I began my +discovery still a safer season, when dissembly my discovery till a safer +season, when Mr. H.... should have perfected the settlement he had +made overtures to me of, and which I was not to think such a violent +explanation, as I was indeed not equal to the management of, could +possibly forward, and might destroy. On the other hand, the provocation +seemed too gross, too flagrant not to give me some thoughts of revenge; +the very start of which idea restored me to perfect composure; and +delighted as I was with the confused plan of it in my head, I was +easily mistress enough of myself to support the part of ignorance I +had prescribed to myself; and as all this circle of reflections was +instantly over, I stole a tip-toe to the passage door, and opening it +with a noise, passed for having that moment come home; and after a short +pause, as if to pull off my things, I opened the door into the dining +room, where I fund the dowdy blowing the fire, and my faithful shepherd +walking about the room, and wistling, as cool and unconcerned as if +nothing had happened. I think, however, he had not much to brag of +having out-dissembled me: for I kept up, nobly, the character of our sex +for art, and went up to him with the same open air of frankness as I had +ever received him. He stayed but a little while, made some excuse for +not being able to stay the evening with me, and went out. + +As for the wench, she was now spoiled, at least for my servant; and +scarce eight and forty hours were gone round, before her insolence, on +what had passed betwen Mr. H.... and her, gave me so fair an occasion +to turn her away, at a minute's warning, that, not to have done it would +have been the wonder; so that he could neither disapprove it nor find +in it the least reason to suspect my original motive. What became of her +afterwards, I know not; but generous as Mr. H.... was, he undoubtedly +made her amends: though, I dare answer, that he kept up no further +commerce with her of that sort; as his stooping to such a coarse morsel, +was only a sudden sally of lust, on seeing a wholesome looking, buxom +country wench, and no more strange than hunger, or even a whimsical +appetite's making a fling meal of neck-beef, for change of diet. + +Had I considered this escapade of Mr. H.... in no more than that light +and contented myself with turning away the wench, I had thought and +acted right; but, flushed as I was with imaginary wrongs, I should have +held Mr. H... to have been cheaply off, if I had not pushed my revenge +farther, and repaid him, as exactly as could for the soul of me, in the +same coin. + +Nor was this worthy act of justice long delayed: I had it too much at +heart. Mr. H... had, about a fortnight before, taken into his service +a tenant's son, just come out the country, a very handsome young lad, +scarce turned of nineteen, fresh as a rose, well sharped and clear +limbed: in short, a very good excuse for any woman's liking, even +though revenge had been out of the question; any woman, I say, who +was disprejudiced, and that wit and spirit enough to prefer a point of +pleasure to a point of pride. + +Mr. H... had clapped a livery upon him; and his chief employ was, after +being shewn my lodgings, to bring and carry letters or messages between +his master and me; and as the situation of all kept ladies is not +the fittest to inspire respect, even to the meanest of mankind, and, +perhaps, less of it from the most ignorant, I could not help observing +that this lad, who was, I suppose, acquainted with my relation to his +master by his fellow servants, used to eye me in that bashful confused +way, more expressive, more moving and readier caught at by our sex, than +any other declarations whatever: my figure had, it seems, struck him, +and modest and innocent as he was, he did not himself know that the +pleasure he took in looking at me was love, or desire; but his eyes, +naturally wanton, and now inflamed with passion, spoke a great deal more +than he durst have imagined they did. Hitherto, indeed, I had only taken +notice of the comeliness of the youth, but without the least design: my +pride alone would have guarded me from a thought that way, had not +Mr. H....'s condescension with my maid, where there was not half the +temptation, in point of person, set me a dangerous example; but now I +began to look on this stripling as every way a delicious instrument +of my designed retaliation upon Mr. H.... of an obligation for which I +should have made a conscience to die in his debt. + +In order then to pave the way for the accomplishment of my scheme, for +two or three times that the young fellow came to me with messages, I +managed so, or without affectation to have him admitted to my bed side, +or brought to me at my toilet, where I was dressing; and by carelessly +shewing or letting him, as if without meaning or design, sometimes my +bosom rather more bare than it should be; sometimes my hair, of which I +had a very fine head, in the natural flow of it while combing; sometimes +a neat leg, that had unfortunately slipt its garter, which I made no +scruple of tying before him, easily gave him the impressions favourable +to my purpose, which I could perceive to sparkle in his eyes, and glow +in his cheeks: then certain slight squeezes by the hand, as I took +letters from him, did his business completely. + +When I saw him thus moved, and fired for my purpose, I inflamed him +yet more, by asking him several leading questions, such as: "Had he a +mistress?... was she prettier than me?... could he love such a one as I +was?..." and the like; to all which the blushing simpleton answered to +my wish, in a strain of perfect nature, perfect undebauched innocence, +but with all the awkwardness and simplicity of country breeding. + +When I thought I had sufficiently ripened him for the laudable point I +had in view, one day that I expected him at a particular hour, I took +care to have the coast clear for the reception I designed him; and, as +I laid it, he came to the dining room door, tapped at it, and, in my +bidding him come in; he did so, and shut the door after him. I desired +him, then, to bolt it on the inside, pretending it would not otherwise +keep shut. + +I was then lying at length upon that very couch, the scene of Mr. +H....'s polite joys, in an undress, which was with all the art of +negligence flowing loose, and in a most tempting disorder: no stays, +no hoop..., no incumbrance whatever. On the other hand, he stood at a +little distance, that gave me a full view of a fine featured, shapely, +healthy country lad, breathing the sweets of fresh blooming youth; +his hair, which was of a perfect shining black, played to his face in +natural side curls, and was set out with a smart tuck-up behind; new +buckskin breechs, that, clipping close, shewed the shape of a plump, +well made thigh; white stockings, garter-laced livery, shoulder knot, +altogether composed a figure of pure flesh and blood, and appeared +under no disgrace from the lowness of a dress, to which a certain spruce +neatness seems peculiarly fitted. + +I bid him come towards me, and give me his letter, at the same time +throwing down, carelessly, a book I had in my hands. He coloured, +and came within reach of delivering me the letter, which he held out, +awkwardly enough, for me to take, with his eyes rivetted on my +bosom, which was, through the designed disorder of my handkerchief, +sufficiently bare, and rather than hid. + +I, smiling in his face, took the letter, and immediately catching +hold of his shirt sleeve, drew him towards me, blushing, and almost +trembling; for surely his extreme bashfulness, and utter inexperience +called for, at least, all the advances to encourage him: his body +was now conveniently inclined toward me, and just softly chucking his +beardless chin, I asked him: "If he was afraid of a lady?..." and with +that took, and carrying his hands to my breasts, I press it tenderly +to them. They were now finely furnished, and raised in flesh, so that, +panting with desire, they rose and fell, in quick heaves, under his +touch: at this, the boy's eyes began to lighten with all the fires of +inflamed nature, and his cheeks flushed with a deep scarlet: tongue-tied +with joy, rapture, and bashfulness, he could not speak, but then his +looks, his emotion, sufficiently satisfied me that my train had taken, +and that I had no disappointment to fear. + +My lips, which I threw in his way, so that he could not escape kissing +them, fixed, fired, and emboldened him: and now, glancing my eyes +towards that part of his dress which covered the essential object of +enjoyment, I plainly discovered the swell and commotion there; and as +I was now too far advanced to stop in so fair a way, and was indeed no +longer able to contain myself, or wait the slower progress of his maiden +bash-fulness (for such it seemed, and really was), I stole my hands upon +his thighs, down one of which I could both see and feel a stiff hard +body, confined by his breeches, that my fingers could discover no end +to. Curious then, and eager to unfold so alarming a mystery, playing, +as it were, with his buttons, which were bursting ripe from the active +force within, those of his waistband and fore-flap flew open at a touch, +when out IT started; and now, disengaged from the shirt, I saw, with +wonder and surprise, what? not the play thing of a boy, not the weapon +of a man, but a Maypole, of so enormous a standard, that had proportions +been observed, it must have belonged to a young giant. Yet I could not, +without pleasure, behold, and even venture to feel, such a length, such +a breadth of animated ivory! perfectly well turned and fashioned, the +proud stiffness of which distented its skin, whose smooth polish and +velvet softness might vie with that of the most delicate of our sex, and +whose exquisite whiteness was not a little set off by a sprout of black +curling hair round the root: through the jetty springs of which the fair +skin shewed as in a fine evening you may have remarked the clear light +through the branchwork of distant trees over-topping the summit of a +hill: then the broad of blueish-casted incarnate of the head, and +blue serpentines of its veins, altogether composed the most striking +assemblage of figure and colours in nature. In short, it stood an object +of terror and delight. + +But what was yet more surprising, the owner of this natural curiosity, +through the want of occasions in the strictness of his home breeding, +and the little time he had been in town not having afforded him one; was +hitherto an absolute stranger, in practice at least, to the use of all +that manhood he was so nobly stocked with; and it now fell to my lot to +stand his first trial of it, if I could resolve to run the risks of its +disproportion to that tender part of me, which such an oversized machine +was very fit to lay in ruins. + +But it was now of the latest to deliberate, for, by this time, the young +fellow, over heated with the present objects, and too high metled to be +longer curbed in by that modesty and awe which had hitherto restrained +him, ventured, under the stronger impulse, and instructive promptership +of nature alone, to slip his hands, trembling with eager impetuous +desires, under my petticoats; and seeing, I suppose, nothing extremely +severe in my looks, to stop or dash him, he feels out, and seizes, +gently, the center spot of his ardours. Oh then! the fiery touch of +his lingers determines me, and my fears melting away before the glowing +intolerable heat, my thighs disclose of themselves, and yield all +liberty to his hand: and now, a favourable movement giving my petticoats +a toss, the avenue lay too fair, too open to be missed. He is now upon +me: I had placed myself with a jerk under him, as commodious and open as +possible to his attempts, which were untoward enough, for his machine, +meeting with no inlet, bore and battered stiffly against me in random +pushes, now above, now below, now beside his point; till, burning with +impatience from its irritating touches, I guided gently, with my hand, +this furious fescue to where my young novice was now to be taught +his first lesson of pleasure. Thus he nicked, at length, the warm and +insufficient orifice; but he was made to find no breach impracticable, +and mine, though so often entered, was still far from wide enough to +take him easily in. + +By my direction, however, the head of his unwieldy machine was so +critically pointed, that, feeling him fore-right against the tender +opening, a favourable motion from me met his timely thrust, by which +the lips of it, strenuously dilated, gave way to his thus assisted +impetuosity, so that we might both feel that he had gained a lodgment. +Pursuing then his point, he soon, by violent, and, to me, most painful +piercing thrusts, wedges himself at length so far in, as to be now +tolerably secure of his entrance: here he stuck, and I now felt such a +mixture of pleasure and pain, as there is no giving a definition of. I +dreaded alike his splitting me farther up, or his withdrawing; I could +not bear either to keep or part with him. The sense of pain, however, +prevailing, from his prodigious size and stiffness, acting upon me +in those continued rapid thrusts, with which he furiously pursued his +penetration, made me cry out gently: "Oh, my dear, you hurt me!" This +was enough to check the tender respectful boy even in his mid-career; +and he immediately drew out the sweet cause of my complaint, whilst his +eyes eloquently expressed, at once, his grief for hurting me, and +his reluctance at dislodging from quarters, of which the warmth and +closeness had given him a gust of pleasure, that he was now desire mad +to satisfy, and yet too much a novice not to be afraid of my withholding +his relief, on account of the pain he had put me to. + +But I was, myself, far from being pleased with his having too much +regarded my tender exclaims; for now, more fired with the object before +me, as it still stood with the fiercest erection, unbonneted, +and displayed its broad vermilion head, I first gave the youth a +re-encouraging kiss, which he repaid me with a fervour that seemed at +once to thank me, and bribe my further compliance; and soon replaced +myself in a posture to receive, at all risk, the renewed invasion, which +he did not delay an instant: for, being presently remounted, I once +more felt the smooth hard gristle forcing an entrance, which he achieved +rather easier than before. Pained, however, as I was, with his efforts +of gaining a complete admission, which he was so regardful as to manage +by gentle degrees, I took care not to complain. In the mean time, the +soft strait passage gradually loosens, yields, and, stretched to its +utmost bearing, by the stick, thick, indriven engine, sensible, at once, +to the ravishing pleasure of the feel and the pain of the distension, +let him in about half way, when all the most nervous activity he now +exerted, to further his penetration, gained him not an inch of his +purpose: for, whilst he hesitated there, the crisis of pleasure overtook +him, and the close compressure of the warm surrounding flow drew from +him the ecstatic gush, even before mine was ready to meet it, kept up +by the pain I had endured in the course of the engagement, from the +insufferable size of his weapon, though it was not as yet in above half +its length. + +I expected then, but without wishing it, that he would draw, but was +pleasingly disappointed: for he was not to be let off so. The well +breathed youth, hot-mettled, and flush with genial juices, was now +fairly in for making me know my driver. As soon, then, as he had made a +short pause, waking, as it were, out of the trance of pleasure (in which +every sense seemed lost for a while, whilst, with his eyes shut, and +short quick breathings, he had yielded down his maiden tribute), he +still kept his post, yet unsated with enjoyment, and solacing in these +so new delights; till his stiffness, which had scarce perceptibly +remitted, being thoroughly recovered to him, who had not once +unsheathed, he proceeded afresh to cleave and open to himself an entire +entry into me, which was not a little made easy to him by the balsamic +injection, with: which he had just plentifully moistened the whole +internals of the passage. Redoubling, then, the active energy of his +thrusts, favoured by the fervid appetency of my motions, the soft oiled +wards can no longer stand so effectual a picklock, but yield, and open +him an entrance. And now, with conspiring nature, and my industry, +strong to aid him, he pierces, penetrates, and at length, winning his +way inch by inch, gets entirely in, and finally, a home made thrust +sheaths it up to the guard; on the information of which, from the close +jointure of our bodies (insomuch that the hair on both sides perfectly +interweaved and incircled together), the eyes of the transported +youth sparkled with more joyous fires, and all his looks and motions +acknowledged excess of pleasure, which I now began to share, for I felt +him in my very vitals! I was quite sick with delight! stirred beyond +bearing with its furious agitations within me, and gorged and crammed, +even to a surfeit. Thus I lay gasping, panting under him, till his +broken breathings, faultering accents, eyes twinkling with humid fires, +lunges more furious, and an increased stiffness, gave me to hail +the approaches of the second period: it came... and the sweet youth, +overpowered with the ecstasy, died away in my arms, melting a flood +that shot in genial warmth into the innermost recesses of my body; every +conduit of which, dedicated to that pleasure, was on flow to mix with +it. Thus we continued for some instants, lost, breathless, senseless of +every thing, and in every part but those favourite ones of nature, +in which all that we enjoyed of life and sensation was now totally +concentered. + +When our mutual trance was a little over, and the young fellow had +withdrawn that delicious stretcher, with which he had most plentifully +drowned all thoughts of revenge, in the sense of actual pleasure, the +widened wounded passage refunded a stream of pearly liquids, which +flowed down my thighs, mixed with streaks of blood, the marks of the +ravage of that monstrous machine of his, which had now triumphed over +a kind of second maidenhead. I stole, however, my handkerchief to those +parts, and wiped them as dry as I could, whilst he was re-adjusting and +buttoning up. + +I made him sit down by me, and as he had gathered courage from such +extreme intimacy, he gave me an aftercourse of pleasure, in a natural +burst of tender gratitude and joy, at the new scenes of bliss I had +opened to him: scenes positively new, as he had never before had the +least acquaintance with that mysterious mark, the cloven stamp of female +distinction, though nobody better qualified than he to penetrate into its +deepest recesses, or do it nobler justice. But when, by certain motions, +certain unquietness of his hands, that wandered not without design, I +found he languished for satisfying a curiosity, natural enough, to view +and handle those parts which attract and concenter the warmest force +of imagination, charmed, as I was, to have any occasion of obliging and +humouring his young desires, I suffered him to proceed as he pleased, +without check or control, to the satisfaction of them. + +Easily, then, reading in my eyes the full permission of myself to +all his wishes, he scarce pleased himself more than me; when, having +insinuated his hand under my petticoat and shift, he presently removed +those bars to the sight, by slily lifting them upwards, under favour +of a thousand kisses, which he thought, perhaps, necessary to divert my +attention from what he was about. All my drapery being now rolled up to +my waist, I threw myself into such a posture upon the couch, as gave up +to him, in full view, the whole region of delight, and all the luxurious +landscape around it. The transported youth devoured every thing with +his eyes, and tried, with his fingers, to lay more open to his sight +the secrets of that dark and delicious deep: he opens the folding lips, +the softness of which, yielding entry to any thing of a hard body, close +round it, and oppose the sight; and feeling further, meets with, and +wonder at, a soft fleshy excrescence, which, limber and relaxed after +the late enjoyment, now grew, under the touch and examination of +his fiery fingers, more and more stiff and considerable, till the +titillating ardours of that so sensible part made me sigh, as if he had +hurt me; on which he withdrew his curious probing fingers, asking me +pardon, as it were, in a kiss that rather increased the flame there. + +Novelty ever makes the strongest impressions, and in pleasures, +especially; no wonder then, that he was swallowed up in raptures of +admiration of things so interesting by their nature, and now seen and +handled for the first time. On my part, I was richly overpaid for the +pleasure I gave him, in that of examining the power of those objects +thus abandoned to him, naked and free to his loosest wish, over the +artless, natural stripling: his eyes streaming fire, his cheeks +glowing with a florid red, his fervid frequent sighs, whilst his hands +convulsively squeezed, opened, pressed together again the lips and +sides of that deep flesh wound, or gently twitched the over-growing +moss; and all proclaimed the excess, the riot of joys, in having his +wantonness thus humoured. But he did not long abuse my patience, for the +objects before him had now put him by all his, and, coming out with +that formidable machine of his, he lets the fury loose, and pointing it +directly to the pouting-lip mouth, that bid him sweet defiance in dumb +shew, squeezes in his head, and, driving with refreshed rage, breaks in, +and plugs up the whole passage of that soft pleasure-conduit pipe, where +he makes all shake again, and put, once more, all within me into such +an uproar, as nothing could still, but a fresh inundation from the +very engine of those flames, as well as from all the springs with which +nature floats that reservoir of joy, when risen to its floodmark. + +I was now so bruised, so battered, so spent with this overmatch, that +I could hardly stir, or raise myself, but lay palpitating, till the +ferment of my senses subsiding by degrees, and the hour striking at +which I was obliged to dispatch my young man, I tenderly advised him of +the necessity there was for parting; at which I felt so much displeasure +as he could do, who seemed eagerly disposed to keep the field, and to +enter on a fresh action. But the danger was too great, and after some +hearty kisses of leave, and recommendations of secrecy and discretion, +I forced myself to send him away, not without assurances of seeing him +again, to the same purpose, as soon as possible, and thrust a guinea +into his hands: not more, less, being too flush of money, a suspicion +or discovery might arise from thence; having everything to fear from the +dangerous indiscretion of that age in which young fellows would be too +irresistible, too charming, if we had not that terrible fault to guard +against. + +Giddy and intoxicated as I was with such satiating draughts of pleasure, +I still lay on the couch, supinely stretched out, in a delicious languor +diffused over all my limbs, hugging myself for being thus revenged to +my heart's content, and that in a manner so precisely alike, and on +the identical spot in which I had received the supposed injury. No +reflections on the consequences ever once perplexed me, nor did I make +myself one single reproach for having, by this step, completely entered +myself into a profession more decried than disused. I should have held +it ingratitude to the pleasure I had received, to have repented of it; +and since I was now over the bar, I thought, by plunging head and ears +into the stream I was hurried away by, to drown all sense of shame or +reflection. + +Whilst I was thus making these laudable dispositions, and whispering +to myself a kind of tacit vow of incontinency, enters Mr. H... The +consciousness of what I had been doing deepened yet the glowing of my +cheeks, flushed with the warmth of the late action, which, joined to +the piquant air of my dishabile, drew from Mr. H.... a compliment on my +looks, which he was proceeding to bask the sincerity of with proofs, and +that with so brisk an action, as made me tremble for fear of a discovery +from the condition those parts were left in from their late severe +handling: the orifice dilated and inflamed, the lips swollen with their +uncommon distension, the ringlets pressed down, crushed and uncurled +with the over flowing moisture that had wet everything round it; in +short, the different feel and state of things would hardly have passed +upon one of Mr. H.....'s nicety and experience unaccounted for but by +the real cause. But here the woman saved me: I pretended a violent +disorder of my head, and a feverish heat, that indisposed me too much to +receive his embraces. He gave in to this, and good naturedly desisted. +Soon after, an old lady coming in made a third, very apropos for the +confusion I was in, and Mr. H...., after bidding me take care of myself, +and recommending me to my repose, left me much at ease and relieved by +his absence. + +In the close of the evening, I took care to have prepared for me a +warm bath of aromatik and sweet herbs; in which having fully laved and +solaced myself, I came out voluptuously refreshed in body and spirit. + +The next morning waking pretty early, after a night's perfect rest and +composure, it was not without some dread and uneasiness that I thought +of what innovation that tender soft system of mine might have sustained, +from the shock of a machine so sized for its destruction. + +Struck with this apprehension, I scarce dared to carry my hand thither, +to inform myself of the state and posture of things. + +But I was soon agreeably cured of my fears. + +The silky hair that covered round the borders, now smoothed and +re-pruned, had resumed its wonted curl and trimness; the fleshy pouting +lips that had stood the brunt of the engagement, were no longer swollen +or moisture-drenched; and neither they, nor the passage into which they +opened, that had suffered so great a dilation, betrayed any the least +alteration, outwardly or inwardly, to the most curious research, +notwithstanding the laxity that naturally follows the warm bath. + +This continuation of that grateful stricture which is in us, to the men, +the very jet of their pleasure, I owed, it seems, to a happy habit of +body, juicy, plump and furnished, towards the texture of those parts, +with a fullness of soft springy flesh, that yielding sufficiently, as it +does, to almost any distension soon recovers itself so as to re-tighten +that strict compression of its mantlings and folds, which form the sides +of the passage, wherewith it so tenderly embraces and closely clips any +foreign body introduced into it, such as my exploring finger then was. + +Finding then every thing in due tone and order, I remember my fears, +only to make a jest of them to myself. And now, palpably mistress of +any size of man, and triumphing in my double achievement of pleasure and +revenge, I abandoned myself entirely to the ideas of all the delight I +had swam in. I lay stretching out, glowingly alive all over, and tossing +with burning impatience for the renewal of joys that had sinned but in +a sweet excess; nor did I lose my longing, for about ten in the morning, +according to expectation, Will, my new humble sweetheart, came with a +message from his master, Mr. H...., to know how I did. I had taken care +to send my maid on an errand into the city, that I was sure would take +up time enough; and, from the people of the house, I had nothing to +fear, as they were plain good sort of folks, and wise enough to mind no +more other people's business than they could well help. + +All dispositions then made, not forgetting that of lying in bed to +receive him, when he was entered the door of my bed chamber, a latch, +that I governed by a wire, descended and secured it. + +I could not but observe that my young minion was as much spruced out as +could be expected from one in his condition: a desire of pleasing that +could not be indifferent to me, since it proved that I pleased him; +which, I assure you, was now a point I was not above having in view. + +His hair trimly dressed, clean linen, and, above all, a hale, ruddy, +wholesome country look, made him out as pretty a piece of woman's meat +as you could see, and I should have thought any one much out of taste, +that could not have made a hearty meal of such a morsel as nature seemed +to have designed for the highest diet of pleasure. + +And why should I here suppress the delight I received from this +amiable creature, in remarking each artless look, each motion of +pure indissembled nature, betrayed by his wanton eyes; or shewing, +transparently, the glow and suffusion of blood through his fresh, clear +skin, whilst even his stury rustic pressure wanted not their peculiar +charm? Oh! but, say you, this was a young fellow of too low a rank of +life to deserve so great a display. May be so: but was my condition, +strictly considered, one jot more exalted? or, had I really been much +above him, did not his capacity of giving such exquisite pleasure +sufficiently raise and enoble him, to me, at least? Let who would, +for me cherish, respect, and reward the painter's, the statuary's, the +musician's art, in proportion to the delight taken in them: but at my +age, and with my taste for pleasure, a taste strongly constitutional +to me, the talent of pleasing, with which nature has endowed a handsome +person, formed to me the greatest of all merits; compared to which, the +vulgar prejudices in favour of titles, dignities, honours, and the like, +held a very low rank indeed. Nor perhaps would the beauties of the body +be so much affected to be held cheap, were they, in their nature, to be +bought and delivered. But for me, whose natural philosophy all resided +in the favourite center of sense, and who was ruled by its powerful +instinct in taking pleasure by its right handle, I could scarce have +made a choice more to my purpose. + +Mr. H....'s loftier qualifications of birth, fortune and sense, laid +me under a sort of subjection and constraint, that were far from making +harmony in the concert of love; nor had he, perhaps, thought me worth +softening that superiority to; but, with this lad, I was more on the +level which love delights in. + +We may say what we please, but those we can be the easiest and freest +with, are ever those we like, not to say love the best. + +With this stripling, all whose art of love was the action of it, I +could, without check of awe or restraint, give a loose to jay, and +execute every scheme of dalliance my fond fancy might put me on, in +which he was, in every sense, a most exquisite companion. And now my +great pleasure lay in humouring all the petulances, all the wanton +frolic of a raw novice just fledged, and keen on the burning scent of +his game, but unbroken to the sport: and, to carry on the figure, who +could better read the wood than he, or stand fairer for the heart of the +hunt? + +He advanced then to my bed side, and whilst he faultered out his +message, I could observe his colour rise, and his eyes lighten with joy, +in seeing me in a situation as favourable to his loosest wishes, as if +he had bespoke the play. + +I smiled, and put out my hand towards him, which he kneeled down to +(a politeness taught him by love alone, that great master of it) and +greedily kissed. After exchanging a few confused questions and answers, +I asked him if he would come to bed to me, for the little time I could +venture to detain him. This was just asking a person, dying with hunger, +to feast upon the dish on earth the most to his palate. Accordingly, +without further reflection, his clothes were off in an instant; when, +blushing still more at this new liberty, he got under the bed clothes +I held up to receive him, and was now in bed with a woman for the first +time in his life. + +Here began the usual tender preliminaries, as delicious, perhaps, as the +crowning act of enjoyment itself; which they often beget an impatience +of, that makes pleasure destructive of itself, by hurrying on the +final period, and closing that scene of bliss, in which the actors +are generally too well pleased with their parts, not to wish them an +eternity of duration. + +When we had sufficiently graduated our advances towards the main point, +by toying, kissing, clipping, feeling my breasts, now round and +plump, feeling that part of me I might call a furnace mouth, from the +prodigious intense heat his fiery touches had rekindled there, my young +sportsman, emboldened by the very freedom he could wish, wontonly takes +my hand, and carries it to that enormous machine of his, that stood with +a stiffness! a hardness! an upward bend of erection! and which, together +with it bottom dependence, the inestimable bulse of ladies jewels, +formed a grand showout of goods indeed! Then its dimensions, mocking +either grasp or span, almost renewed my terrors. + +I could not conceive how, or by what means I could take, or put such +a bulk out of sight. I stroked it gently, on which the mutinous rogue +seemed to swell, and gather a new degree of fierceness and insolence; so +that finding it grew not to be trifled with any longer, I prepared for +rubbers in good earnest. + +Slipping then a pillow under me, that I might give him the fairest play, +I guided officiously with my hand this furious battering ram, whose ruby +head, presenting nearest the resemblance of a heart, I applied to its +proper mark, which lay as finely elevated as we could wish; my hips +being borne up, and my thighs at their utmost extension, the gleamy +warmth that shot from it, made him feel that he was at the mouth of the +indraught, and driving fore right, the powerfully divided lips of that +pleasure-thirsty channel received him. He hesitated a little; then, +settled well in the passage, he makes his way up the straights of it, +with a difficulty nothing more than pleasing, widening as he went so +as to distend and smooth each soft furrow: our pleasure increasing +deliciously, in proportion to our points of mutual touch increased in +that so vital part of me which I had now taken him, all indriven, and +completely sheathed; and which, crammed as it was, stretched splitting +ripe, gave it so gratefully straight an accommodation! so strict a fold! +a suction so fierce! that gave and took unutterable delight. We had now +reached the closest point of union; but when he beckened to come on the +fiercer, as if I had ben actuated by a fear of losing him, in the height +of my fury, I twist my legs round his naked loins, the flesh of which, +so firm, so springy to the touch, quivered again under the pressure; and +now I had him every way encircled and begirt; and having drawn him home +to me, I kept him fast there, as if I had sought to unite bodies with +him at that point. This bred a pause of action, a pleasure stop, whilst +that delicate glutton, my nether mouth, as full as it could hold, kept +palating, with exquisite relish, the morsel that so deliciously ingorged +it. But nature could not long endure a pleasure that it so highly +provoked without satisfying it: pursuing then its darling end, the +battery recommenced with redoubled exertion; nor lay I inactive on my +side, but encountering him with all the impetuosity of motion I was +mistress of, the downy cloth of our meeting mount was now of real use +to break the violence of the tilt; and soon, indeed! the highwrought +agitation, the sweet urgency of this to-and-fro friction, raised the +titillation on me to its height; so that finding myself on the point +of going, and loath to leave the tender partner of my joys behind me, I +employed all the forwarding motions and arts my experience suggested to +me, to promote his keeping me company to our journey's end. I not only +then tightened the pleasure-girth round my restless inmate, by a secret +spring of friction and compression that obeys the will in those parts, +but stole my hand softly to that store bag of nature's prime sweets, +which is so pleasingly attached to its conduit pipe, from which we +receive them; there feeling, and most gently indeed, squeezing those +tender globular reservoirs, the magic touch took instant effect, +quickened, and brought on upon the spur the symptoms of that sweet +agony, the melting moment of dissolution, when pleasure dies by +pleasure, and the mysterious engine of it overcomes the titillation +it has raised in those parts, by plying them with the stream of a warm +liquid, that in itself the highest of all titillations, and which they +thirstily express and draw in like the hot natured leach, which, to +cool itself, tenaciously extracts all the moisture within its sphere of +execution. Chiming then to me, with exquisite consent, as I melted away, +his oily balsamic injection, mixing deliciously with the sluices in flow +from me, sheathed and blunted all the stings of pleasure, whilst a +voluptuous languor possest, and still maintained us motionless, and fast +locked in one another's arms. Alas! that these delights should be no +longer-lived; for now the point of pleasure, unedged by enjoyment, and +all the brisk sensations flattened upon us, resigned us up to the cool +cares of insipid life. Disengaging myself then from his embrace, I made +him sensible of the reasons there were for his present leaving me; on +which, though reluctantly, he put on his clothes, with as little +expedition, however, as he could help, wantonly interrupting himself, +between whiles, with kisses, touches and embraces I could not refuse +myself to. Yet he happily returned to his master before he was missed; +but, at taking leave, I forced him (for he had sentiments enough to +refuse it) to receive money enough to buy a silver watch, that great +article of subaltern finery, which he at length accepted of, as a +remembrance he was carefully to preserve of my affections. + +And here, Madam, I ought, perhaps, to make you an apology for this +minute detail of things, that dwelt so strongly upon my memory, after +so deep an impression; but, besides that this intrigue bred one great +revolution in my life, which historical truth requires I should not sink +from you, may I not presume that so exalted a pleasure ought not to be +ungratefully forgotten, or suppressed by me, because I found it in a +character in low life; where, by the by, it is oftener met with, purer, +and more unsophisticated, than among the false, ridiculous refinements +with which the great suffer themselves to be so grossly cheated by their +pride: the great! than whom, there exist few amongst those they call +the vulgar, who are more ignorant of, or who cultivate less, the art of +living than they do; they, I say, who for ever mistake things the most +foreign to the nature of pleasure itself; whose capital favourite object +is enjoyment of beauty, wherever that rare incaluable gift is found, +without distinction of birth, or station. + +As love never had, so now revenge had no longer any share in my commerce +in this handsome youth. The sole pleasures of enjoyment were now the +link I held to him by: for though nature had done such great maters +for him in his outward form, and especially in that superb piece of +furniture she had so liberally enriched him with; though he was thus +qualified to give the senses their richest feast, still there was +something more wanting to create in me, and constitute the passion of +love. Yet Will had very good qualities too: gentle, tractable, and, above +all, grateful; silentious, even to a fault: he spoke, at any time, very +little, but made it up emphatically with action; and, to do him justice, +he never gave me the least reason to complain, either of any tendency to +encroach upon me for the liberties I allowed him, or of his indiscretion +in blabbing them. There is, then, a fatality in love, or have loved him +I must; for he was really a treasure, a bit for the Bonne Bouche of a +duchess; and, to say the truth, my liking for him was so extreme, that +it was distinguishing very nicely to deny that I loved him. + +My happiness, however, with him did not last long, but found an end +from my own imprudent neglect. After having taken even superfluous +precautions against a discovery, our success in repeated meetings +emboldened me to omit the barely necessary ones. About a month after +our first intercourse, one fatal morning (the season Mr. H.... rarely +or never visited me in) I was in my closet, where my toilet stood, in +nothing but my shift, a bed gown and under petticoat. Will was with me, +and both ever too well disposed to baulk an opportunity. For my part, +a whim, a wanton toy had just taken me, and I had challenged my man to +execute it on the spot, who hesitated not to comply with my humour: +I was set in the arm chair, my shift and petticoat up, my thighs wide +spread and mounted over the arms of the chair, presenting the fairest +mark to Will's drawn weapon, which he stood in act to plunge into me, +when, having neglected to secure the chamber door, and that of the +closet standing a-jar, Mr. H.... stole in upon us, before either of us +was aware, and saw us precisely in these convicting attitudes. + +I gave a great scream, and dropped my petticoat: the thunder-struck +lad stood trembling and pale, waiting his sentence of death. Mr. H.... +looked sometimes at one, sometimes at the other, with a mixture of +indignation and scorn; and, without saying a word, spun upon his heel +and went out. + +As confused as I was, I heard him very distinctly turn the key, and lock +the chamber door upon us, so that there was no escape but through +the dining room, where he himself was walking about with distempered +strides, stamping in a great chafe, and doubtless debating what he would +do with us. + +In the mean time, poor William was frightened out of his senses, and, as +much need as I had of spirits myself, I was obliged to employ them all +to keep his a little up. The misfortune I had now brought upon him, +endeared him the more to me, and I could have joyfully suffered any +punishment he had not shared in. I watered, plentifully, with my tears, +the face of the frightened youth, who sat, not having strength to stand, +as cold and as lifeless as a statue. + +Presently Mr. H.... comes in to us again, and made us go before him into +the dining room, trembling and dreading the issue, Mr. H.....sat down on +a chair whilst we stood like criminals under examination; and, beginning +with me, asked me, with an even firm tone of voice, neither soft nor +severe, but cruelly indifferent, what I could say for myself, for having +abused him in so unworthy a manner, with his own servant too, and how he +had deserved this of me? + +Without adding to the guilt of my infidelity, that of an audacious +defence of it, in the old style of a common kept miss, my answer was +modest, and often interrupted by my tears, in substance as follows: +"That I never had a single thought of wronging him" (which was true), +"till I had seen him taking the last liberties with my servant wench" +(here he coloured prodigiously), "and that my resentment at that, which +I was over-awed from giving vent to by complaints, or explanations with +him, had driven me to a course that I did not pretend to justify; but +that as to the young man, he was entirely faultless; for that, in +the view of making him the instrument of my revenge, I had down right +seduced him to what he had done; and therefore hoped, whatever he +determined about me, he would distinguish between the guilty and the +innocent; and that; for the rest, I was entirely at his mercy." + +Mr. H.... on hearing what I said, hung his head a little; but instantly +recovering himself, he said to me, as near as I can retain, to the +following purpose: + +"Madam, I owe shame to myself, and confess you have fairly turned +the tables upon me. It is not with one of your cast of breeding and +sentiments, that I allow you so much reason on your side, as great +difference of the provocations: be it sufficient that I should enter +into a discussion of the very to have changed my resolution, in +consideration of what you reproach me with; and I own, too, that your +clearing that rascal there, is fair and honest in you. Renew with you I +cannot: the affront is too gross. I give you a week's warning to get out +of these lodgings; whatever I have given you, remains to you; and as I +never intend to see you more, the landlord will pay you fifty pieces on +my account, with which, and every debt paid, I hope you will own I do +not leave you in a worse condition than what I took you up in, or that +you deserve of me. Blame yourself only that it is no better." + +Then, without giving me time to reply, he addressed himself to the young +fellow: + +"For you, spark, I shall, for your father's sake, take care of you: the +town is no place for such an easy fool as thou art; and to-morrow you +shall set out, under the charge of one of my men, well recommended, in +my name, to your father, not to let you return and be spoil'd here." + +At these words he went out, after my vainly attempting to stop him, by +throwing myself at his feet. He shook me off, though he seemed greatly +moved too, and took Will away with him, who, I dare swear, thought +himself very cheaply off. + +I was now once more a-drift, and left upon my own hands, by a gentleman +whom I certainly did not deserve. And all the letters, arts, friends, +entreaties that I employed within the week of grace in my lodging, +could never win on him so much as to see me again. He had irrevocably +pronounced my doom, and submission to it was my only part. Soon after he +married a lady of birth and fortune, to whom, I have heard he proved an +irreproachable husband. + +As for poor Will, he was immediately sent down to the country to his +father, who was an easy farmer, where he was not four months before an +inn-keepers' buxom young widow, with a very good stock, both in +money and trade, fancied, and perhaps pre-acquainted with his secret +excellencies, married him: and I am sure there was, at least, one good +foundation for their living happily together. + +Though I should have been charmed to see him before he went, such +measures were taken, by Mr. H....'s orders, that it was impossible; +otherwise I should certainly have endeavoured to detain him in town, and +would have spared neither offers nor expense to have procured myself the +satisfaction of keeping him with me. He had such powerful holds upon my +inclinations as were not easily to be shaken off, or replaced; as to my +heart, it was quite out of the question: glad, however, I was from my +soul, that nothing worse, and as things turned out, nothing better could +have happened to him. + +As to Mr. H..., though views of conveniency made me, at first, exert +myself to regain his affection, I was giddy and thoughtless enough to be +much easier reconciled to my failure than I ought to have been; but as I +never had loved him, and his leaving me gave me a sort of liberty that I +had often longed for, I was soon comforted; and flattering myself, that +the stock of youth and beauty I was going to trade with, could hardly +fail of procuring me a maintenance, I saw myself under the necessity of +trying my fortune with them, rather, with pleasure and gaiety, than with +the least idea of despondency. + +In the mean time, several of my acquaintances among the sisterhood, +who had soon got wind of my misfortune, flocked to insult me with their +malicious consolations. Most of them had long envied me the affluence +and splendour I had been maintained in; and though there was scarce +one of them that did not at least deserve to be in my case, and would +probably, sooner or later, come to it, it was equally easy to remark, +even in their affected pity, their secret pleasure at seeing me +thus discarded, and their secret grief that it was no worse with me. +Unaccountable malice of the human heart! and which is not confined to +the class of life they were of. + +But as the time approached for me to come to some resolution how to +dispose of myself, and I was considering, round where to shift my +quarters to, Mrs. Cole, a middle aged discreet sort of woman, who had +been brought into my acquaintance by one of the misses that visited me, +upon learning my situation, came to offer her cordial advice and service +to me; and as I had always taken to her more than to any of my female +acquaintances, I listened the easier to her proposals. And, as it +happened, I could not have put myself into worse, or into better hands +in all London: into worse, because keeping a house of conveniency, there +were no lengths in lewdness she would not advise me to go, in compliance +with her customers; no schemes, or pleasure, or even unbounded +debauchery, she did not take even a delight in promoting: into a better, +because nobody having had more experience of the wicked part of the +town than she had, was fitter to advise and guard one against the worst +dangers of our profession; and what was rare to be met with in those +of her's, she contented herself with a moderate living profit upon her +industry and good offices, and had nothing of their greedy rapacious +turn. She was really too a gentlewoman born and bred, but through a +train of accidents reduced to this course, which she pursued, partly +through necessity, partly through choice, as never woman delighted more +in encouraging a brisk circulation of the trade, for the sake of the +trade itself, or better understood all the mysteries and refinements +of it, than she did; so that she was consummately at the top of her +profession, and dealt only with customers of distinction: to answer the +demands of whom she kept a competent number of her daughters in constant +recruit (so she called those whom their youth and personal charms +recommended to her adoption and management: several of whom, by her +means, and through her tuition and instructions, succeeded very well in +the world). + +This useful gentlewoman upon whose protection I now threw myself, having +her reasons of state, respecting Mr. H...., for not appearing too much +in the thing herself, sent a friend of her's, on the day appointed for +my removal, to conduct me to my new lodgings at a brush-maker's in E---- +street, Covent Garden, the very next door to her own house, where she +had no conveniences to lodge me herself: lodgings that, by having been +for several successions tenanted by ladies of pleasures, the landlord +of them was familiarized to their ways; and provided the rent was paid, +every thing else was as easy and commodious as one could desire. + +The fifty guineas promised me by Mr. H...., at his parting with me, +having been duly paid me, all my clothes and moveables chested up, which +were at least of two hundred pounds value, I had them conveyed into a +coach, where I soon followed them, after taking a civil leave of the +landlord and his family, with whom I had never lived in a degree +of familiarity enough to regret the removal; but still, the very +circumstance of its being a removal, drew tears from me. I left, too, +a letter of thanks for Mr. H...., from whom I concluded myself, as I +really was, irretrievably separated. + +My maid I had discharged the day before, not only because I had her of +Mr. H...., but that I suspected her of having some how or other been the +occasion of his discovering me, in revenge, perhaps, for my not having +trusted her with him. + +We soon got to my lodgings, which, though not so handsomely furnished, +nor so showy as those I left, were to the full as convenient, and at +half price, though on the first floor. My trunks were safely landed, and +stowed in my apartments, where my neighbour, and now gouvernante, Mrs. +Cole, was ready with my landlord to receive me, to whom she took care to +set me out in the most favourable light, that of one from whom there was +the clearest reason to expect the regular payment of his rent: all the +cardinal virtues attributed to me, would not have had half the weight of +that recommendation alone. + +I was now settled in lodgings of my own, abandoned to my own conduct, +and turned loose upon the town, to sink or swim, as I could manage with +the current of it; and what were the consequences, together with +the number of adventures which befell me in the exercise of my new +profession, will compose the mater of another letter: for surely it is +high time to put a period! to this. + +I am, + +MADAM, + +Yours, etc., etc., etc. + + THE END OF THE FIRST LETTER + + + + +LETTER THE SECOND + +Madam: + +If I have delayed the sequel of my history, it has been purely to allow +myself a little breathing time not without some hopes, that, instead of +pressing me to a continuation, you would have acquitted me of the task +of pursuing a confession, in the course of which my self-esteem has so +many wounds to sustain. + +I imagined, indeed, that you would have been cloyed and tired with +uniformity of adventures and expressions, inseparable from a subject of +this sort, whose bottom, or groundwork being, in the nature of things +eternally one and the same, whatever variety of forms and modes the +situations are susceptible of, there is no escaping a repetition of +near the same images, the same figures, the same expressions, with this +further inconvenience added to the disgust it creates, that the words +Joys, Ardours, Transports, Extasies and the rest of those pathetic terms +so congenial to, so received in the Practice of Pleasure, flatten +and lose much of their due spirit and energy by the frequency they +indispensably recur with, in a narrative of which that Practice +professedly composes the whole basis. I must therefore trust to the +candour of your judgment, for your allowing for the disadvantage I +am necessarily under in that respect; and to your imagination and +sensibility, the pleasing taks of repairing it, by their supplements, +where my descriptions flag or fail: the one will readily place the +pictures I present before your eyes; the other give life to the colours +where they are dull, or worn with too frequent handling. + +What you say besides, by way of encouragement concerning the extreme +difficulty of continuing so long in one strain, in a mean tempered with +taste, between the revoltingness of gross, rank and vulgar expressions, +and the ridicule of mincing metaphors and affected circumlocutions, is +so sensible, as well as good-natured, that you greatly justify me to +myself for my compliance with a curiosity that is to be satisfied so +extremely at my expense. + +Resuming now where I broke off in my last, I am in my way to remark to +you, that it was late in the evening before I arrived at my lodgings, +and Mrs. Cole, after helping me to range and secure my things, spent +the whole evening with me in my apartment, where we supped together, in +giving me the best advice and instruction with regard to the new stage +of my profession I was now to enter upon; and passing thus from a +private devotee to pleasure into a public one, to become a more general +good, with all the advantages requisite to put my person out to use, +either for interest or pleasure, or both. "But then," she observed, "as +I was a kind of new face upon the town, that is, was an established rule +and myster of trade, for me to pass for a maid and dispose of myself +as such on the first good occasion, without prejudice, however, to such +diversions as I might have a mind to in the interim; for that nobody +could be a greater enemy than she was to the losing of time. That she +would, in the mean time, do her best to find out a proper person, and +would undertake to manage this nice point for me, if I would accept +of her aid and advice to such good purpose, that, in the loss of a +fictitious maidenhead, I should reap all the advantages of a native +one." + +As too great a delicacy of sentiments did not extremely belong to my +character at that time, I confess, against myself, that I perhaps too +readily closed with a proposal which my candor and ingenuity gave me +some repugnance to: but not enough to contradict the intention of one to +whom I had now thoroughly abandoned the direction of all my steps. For +Mrs. Cole had, I do not know how unless by one of those unaccountable +invincible sympathies that, nevertheless, from the strongest links, +especially of female friendship, won and got entire possession of me. On +her side, she pretended that a strict resemblance, she fancied she saw +in me, to an only daughter whom she had lost at my age, was the first +motive of her taking to me so affectionately as she did. It might be so: +there exist a slender motives of attachment, that, gathering force from +habit and liking, have proved often more solid and durable than those +founded on much stronger reasons; but this I know, that though I had +no other acquaintance with her, than seeing her at my lodgings, when +I lived with Mr. H..., where she had made errands to sell me some +millinery ware, she had by degrees insinuated herself so far into my +confidence, that I threw myself blindly into her hands, and came, +at length, to regard, love, and obey her implicitly; and, to do her +justice, I never experienced at her hands other than a sincerity of +tenderness, and care for my interest, hardly heard of in those of +her profession. We parted that night, after having settled a perfect +unreserved agreement; and the next morning Mrs. Cole came, and took me +with her to her house for the first time. + +Here, at the first sight of things, I found every thing breathe an air +of decency, modesty and order. + +In the outer parlour, or rather shop, sat three young women, rather +demurely employed on millinery work, which was the cover of a traffic in +more precious commodities; but three beautifuller creatures could hardly +be seen. Two of them were extremely fair, the eldest not above nineteen; +and the third, much about that age, was a piquant brunette, whose black +sparking eyes, and perfect harmony of features and shape, left her +nothing to envy in her fairer companions. Their dress too had the more +design in it, the less it appeared to have, being in a taste of uniform +correct neatness, and elegant simplicity. These were the girls that +composed the small domestic flock, which my governess trained up with +surprising order and management, considering the giddy wildness of young +girls once got upon the loose. But then she never continued any in her +house, whom, after a due noviciate, she found un-tractable, or unwilling +to comply with the rules of it. Thus she had insensibly formed a little +family of love, in which the members found so sensibly their account, +in a rare alliance of pleasure and interest, and of a necessary outward +decency, with unbounded secret liberty, that Mrs. Cole, who had picked +them as much for their temper as their beauty, governed them with ease +to herself and them too. + +To these pupils then of hers, whom she had prepared, she presented me +as a new boarder, and one that was to be immediately admitted to all the +intimacies of the house; upon which these charming girls gave me all the +marks of a welcome reception, and indeed of being perfectly pleased with +my figure, that I could possibly expect from any of my own sex: but they +had been effectually brought to sacrifice all jealousy, or competition +of charms, to a common interest, and considered me a partner that was +bringing no despicable stock of goods into the trade of the house. They +gathered round me, viewed me on all sides; and as my admission into this +joyous troop made a little holiday, the shew of work was laid aside; and +Mrs. Cole giving me up, with special recommendation, to their caresses +and entertainment, went about her ordinary business of the house. + +The sameness of our sex, age, profession, and views, soon creased +as unreserved a freedom and intimacy as if we had been for years +acquainted. They took and shewed me the house, their respective +apartments, which were furnished with every article of convenience and +luxury; and above all, a spacious drawing-room, where a select revelling +band usually met, in general parties of pleasure; the girls supping +with their sparks, and acting their wanton pranks with unbounded +licentiousness; whilst a defiance of awe, modesty or jealousy were their +standing rules, by which, according to the principles of their society, +whatever pleasure was lost on the side of sentiment, was abundantly made +up to the senses in the poignancy of variety, and the charms of ease and +luxury. The authors and supporters of this secret institution would, in +the height of their humour, style themselves the restorers of the golden +age and its simplicity of pleasures, before their innocence became so +unjustly branded with the names of guilt and shame. + +As soon then as the evening began, and the shew of a shop was shut, the +academy opened; the mask of mock-modesty was completely taken off, and +all the girls delivered over to their respective calls of pleasure +or interest with their men: and none of that sex was promiscuously +admitted, but only such as Mrs. Cole was previously satisfied with their +character and discretion. In short, this was the safest, politest, and, +at the same time, the most thorough house of accommodation in town: +every thing being conducted so, that decency made no intrenchment upon +the most libertine pleasures; in the practice of which, too, the choice +familiars of the house had found the secret so rare and difficult, of +reconciling even all the refinements of taste and delicacy, with the +most gross and determinate gratifications of sensuality. + +After having consumed the morning in the dear endearments and +instructions of my new acquaintance, we went to dinner, when Mrs. +Cole, presiding at the head of her club, gave me the first idea of her +management and address, in inspiring these girls with so sensible a +love and respect for her. There was no stiffness, no reserve, no airs of +pique, or little jealousies, but all was unaffectedly gay, cheerful and +easy. + +After dinner, Mrs. Cole, seconded by the young ladies, acquainted me +that there was a chapter to be held that night in form, for the ceremony +of my reception into the sisterhood; and in which, with all due reserve +to my maidenhead, that was to be occasionally cooked up for the first +proper chapman. I was to undergo a ceremonial of initiation they were +sure I should not be displeased with. + +Embarked as I was, and moreover captivated with the charms of my new +companions, I was too much prejudiced in favour of any proposal they +could make, to as much as hesitate an assent; which, therefore, readily +giving in the style of a carte blanche, I received fresh kisses of +compliment from them all, in approval of my docility and good nature. +Now I was "a sweet girl... I came into things with a good grace... I was +not affectedly coy... I should be the pride of the house," and the like. + +This point thus adjusted, the young women left Mrs. Cole to talk and +concert matters with me, when she explained to me, that "I should be +introduced that very evening, to four of her best friends, one of +whom she had, according to the custom of the house, favoured with the +preference of engaging me in the first party of pleasure;" assuring me, +at the same time, "that they were all young gentlemen agreeable in their +persons, and unexceptionable in every respect; that united, and holding +together by the band of common pleasures, they composed the chief +support of her house, and made very liberal presents to the girls that +pleased and humoured them, so that they were, properly speaking, the +founders and patrons of this little seraglio. Not but that she had, at +proper seasons, other customers to deal with, whom she stood less upon +punctilio with, than with these; for instance, it was not on one of them +she could attempt to pass me for a maid; they were not only too knowing, +too much town-bred to bite at such a bait, but they were such generous +benefactors to her, that it would be unpardonable to think of it." + +Amidst all the flutter and emotion which this promise of pleasure, for +such I conceived it, stirred up in me, I preserved so much of the woman, +as to feign just reluctance enough to make some merit, of sacrificing it +to the influence of my patroness, whom I likewise, still in character, +reminded of it perhaps being right for me to go home and dress, in +favour of my first impressions. + +But Mrs. Cole, in opposition to this, assured me, "that the gentlemen +I should be presented to were, by their rank and taste of things, +infinitely superior to the being touched with any glare of dress or +ornaments, such slick women rather confound and overlay than set off +their beauty with; that these veteran voluptuaries knew better than not +to hold them in the highest contempt: they with whom the pure native +charms alone could pass current, and who would at any time leave a +sallow, washy, painted duchess on her own hands, for a ruddy, healthy +firm fleshed country maid; and as for my part, that nature had +done enough for me, to set me above owing the least favour to art;" +concluding withal, that for the instant occasion, there was no dress +like an undress. + +I thought my governess too good a judge of these matters, not to +be easily overruled by her: after which she went on preaching very +pathetically the doctrine of passive obedience and non-resistance to +all those arbitrary tastes of pleasure, which are by some styled the +refinements, and by others the depravations of it; between whom it was +not the business of a simple girl, who was to profit by pleasing, to +decide, but to conform to. Whilst I was edifying by these wholesome +lessons, tea was brought in, and the young ladies, returning, joined +company with us. + +After a great deal of mixed chat, frolic and humour, one of them, +observing that there would be a good deal of time on and before the +assembly hour, proposed that each girl should entertain the company +with that critical period of her personal history, in which she first +exchanged the maiden state for womanhood. The proposal was approved, +with only one restriction of Mrs. Cole, that she, on account of her age, +and I, on account of my titular maidenhead, should be excused, at +least till I had undergone the forms of the house. This obtained me a +dispensation, and the promotress of this amusement was desired to begin. + +Her name was Emily; a girl fair to excess, and whose limbs were, if +possible, too well made, since their plump fulness was rather to the +prejudice of that delicate slimness required by the nicer judges of +beauty; her eyes were blue, and streamed inexpressible sweetness, and +nothing could be prettier than her mouth and lips, which closed over a +range of the evenest and whitest teeth. Thus she began: + +"Neither my extraction, nor the most critical adventure of my life, is +sublime enough to impeach me of any vanity in the advancement of the +proposal you have approved of. My father and mother were, and for aught +I know, are still, farmers in the country, not above forty miles from +town: their barbarity to me, in favour of a son, on whom alone they +vouchsafed to bestow their tenderness, had a thousand times determined +me to fly their house, and throw myself on the wide world; but, at +length, an accident forced me on this desperate attempt at the age of +fifteen. I had broken a chinabowl, the pride and idol of both their +hearts; and as an unmerciful beating was the least I had to depend on at +their hands, in the silliness of these tender years, I left the house, +and, at all adventures, took the road to London. How my loss was +resented I do not know, for till this instant I have not heard +a syllable about them. My whole stock was two broad pieces of my +godmother's, a few shillings, silver shoe-buckles and a silver thimble. +Thus equipped, with no more clothes than the ordinary ones I had on my +back, and frightened at every foot or noise I heard behind me, I hurried +on; and I dare sweare, walked a dozen miles before I stopped, through +mere weariness and fatigue. At length I sat down on a style, wept +bitterly, and yet was still rather under increased impressions of fear +on the account of my escape; which made me dread, worse than death, the +going back to my unnatural parents. Refreshed by this little repose, and +relieved by my tears, I was proceeding onward, when I was overtaken by a +sturdy country lad, who was going to London to see what he could do for +himself there, and, like me, had given his friends the slip. He could +not be above seventeen, was ruddy, well featured enough, with uncombed +flaxen hair, a little flapped hat, kersey frock, yarn stockings, in +short, a perfect plough boy. I saw him come whistling behind me, with a +bundle tied to the end of a stick, his travelling equipage. We walked by +one another for some time without speaking; at length we joined company, +and agreed to keep together till we got to our journey's end; what his +designs or ideas were, I know not: the innocence of mine I can solemnly +protest. + +"As night drew on, it became us to look out for some inn or shelter; to +which perplexity another was added, and that was, what we should say for +ourselves, if we were questioned. After some puzzle, the young fellow +started a proposal, which I thought the finest that could be; and what +was that? why, that we should pass for husband and wife: I never dreamed +of consequences. We came presently, after having agreed on this notable +experience, to one of those hedge accommodations for foot passengers, +at the door of which stood an old crazy beldam, who seeing us trudge by, +invited us to lodge there. Glad of any cover, we went in, and my fellow +traveller, taking all upon him, called for what the house afforded, and +we supped together as man and wife; which, considering our figures and +ages, could not have passed on any one but such as any thing could +pass on. But when bed-time came on, we had neither of us the courage +to contradict our first account of ourselves; and what was extremely +pleasant, the young lad seemed as perplexed as I was how to evade lying +together, which was so natural for the state we had pretended to. Whilst +we were in this quandary, the landlady takes the candles, and lights +us to our apartment, through a long yard, at the end of which it stood, +separate from the body of the house. Thus we suffered ourselves to be +conducted, without saying a word in opposition to it; and there, in a +wretched room, with a bed answerable, we were left to pass the night +together, as a thing quite of course. For my part, I was so incredibly +innocent, as not even to think much more harm of going into bed with the +young man, than with one of our dairy wenches; nor had he, perhaps, any +other notions than those of innocence, till such a fair occasion put +them into his head. + +"Before either of us undressed, however, he put out the candle; and the +bitterness of the weather made it a kind of necessity for me to go into +bed: slipping then my clothes off, I crept under the bedclothes, where +I found the young stripling already nestled, and the touch of his warm +flesh rather pleased than alarmed me. I was indeed too much disturbed +with the novelty of my condition to be able to sleep; but then I had +not the least thought of harm. But oh! how powerful are the instincts +of nature! how little is there wanting to set them in action! The young +man, sliding his arm under my body, drew me gently towards him, as if +to keep himself and me warmer; and the heat I felt from joining our +breasts, kindled another that I had hitherto never felt, and was, +even then, a stranger to the nature of. Emboldened, I suppose, by my +easiness, he ventured to kiss me, and I insensibly returned it; without +knowing the consequence of returning it: for, on this encouragement, he +slipped his hand all down from my breast to that part of me where the +sense of feeling is so exquisitely critical, as I then experienced by +its instant taking fire upon the touch, and glowing with a strange +tickling heat: there he pleased himself and me, by feeling, till growing +a little too bold with me, he hurt me, and made me complain. Then he +took my hand, which he guided, not unwillingly on my side, between the +twist of his closed thighs, which were extremely warm; there he lodged +and pressed it, till raising it by degrees, he made me feel the proud +distinction of his sex from mine. I was frightened at the novelty, +and drew back my hand; yet, pressed and spurred on by sensations of a +strange pleasure, I could not help asking him what that was for? He +told me he would shew me if I would let him; and without waiting for +my answer, which he prevented by stopping my mouth with kisses I was +far from disrelishing, he got upon me, and inserting one of his thighs +between mine, opened them so as to make way for himself, and fixed me to +his purpose; whilst I was so much out of my usual sense, so subdued +by the present power of a new one, that, between far and desire, I lay +utter passive, till the piercing pain rouzed and made me cry out. But +it was too late: he was too firm fixed in the saddle for me to compass +flinging him, with all the struggles I could use, some of which only +served to further his point, and at length an irresistible thrust +murdered at once my maidenhead, and almost me. I now lay a bleeding +witness of the necessity imposed on our sex, to gather the first honey +off the thorns. + +"But the pleasure rising as the pain subsided, I was soon reconciled to +fresh trials, and before morning, nothing on earth could be dearer to me +than this rifler of my virgin sweets: he was every thing to me now. + +"How we agreed to join fortunes: how we came up to town together, where +we lived some time, till necessity-parted us, and drove me into this +course of life, to which I had been long ago bettered and torn to pieces +before I came to this age, as much through my easiness, as through +inclination, had it not been for my finding refuge in this house: these +are all circumstances which pass the mark I proposed, so that here my +narrative ends." + +In the order of our sitting, it was Harriet's turn to go on. Amongst +all the beauties of our sex, that I had before, or have since seen, few +indeed were the forms that could dispute excellence with her's; it was +not delicate, but delicacy itself incarnate, such was the symmetry of +her small but exactly fashioned limbs. Her complexion, fair as it +was, appeared yet more fair, from the effect of two black eyes, the +brilliancy of which gave her face more vivacity than belonged to the +colour of it, which was only defended from paleness, by a sweetly +pleasing blush in her cheeks, that grew fainter and fainter, till at +length it died away insensibly into the overbearing white. Then her +miniature features joined to finish the extreme sweetness of it, which +was not belied by that of a temper turned to indolence, languor, and +the pleasures of love. Pressed to subscribe her contingent, she smiled, +blushed a little, and thus complied with our desires: + +"My father was neither better nor worse than a miller near the city of +York; and both he and my mother dying whilst I was an infant, I fell +under the care of a widow and childless aunt, housekeeper to my lord +N..., at his seat in the county of..., where she brought me up with all +imaginable tenderness. I was not seventeen, as I am not now eighteen, +before I had, on account of my person purely (for fortune I had +notoriously none), several advantageous proposals; but whether nature +was slow in making me sensible in her favourite passion, or that I had +not seen any of the other sex who had stirred up the least emotion +or curiosity to be better acquainted with it, I had, till that age, +preserved a perfect innocence, even of thought: whilst my fears of I +did not now well know what, made me no more desirous of marrying than of +dying. My aunt, good woman, favoured my timorousness, which she loooked +on as childish affection, that her own experience might probably assure +her would wear off in time, and gave my suitors proper answers for me. + +"The family had not been down at that seat for years, so that it was +neglected, and committed entirely to my aunt, and two old domestics to +take care of it. Thus I had the full range of a spacious lonely house +and gardens, situated at about half a mile distance from any other +habitation, except, perhaps, a straggling cottage or so. + +"Here, in tranquillity and innocence, I grew up without any memorable +accident, till one fatal day I had, as I had often done before, left my +aunt asleep, and secure for some hours, after dinner; and resorting to a +kind of ancient summer house, at some distance from the house, I carried +my work with me, and sat over a rivulet, which its door and window faced +upon. Here I fell into a gentle breathing slumber, which stole upon my +senses, as they fainted under the excessive heat of the season at +that hour; a cane couch, with my work basked for a pillow, were all the +conveniences of my short repose; for I was soon awaked and alarmed by a +flounce, and noise of splashing in the water. I got up to see what was +the matter; and what indeed should it be but the son of a neighbouring +gentleman, as I afterwards found (for I had never seen him before), +who had strayed that way with his gun, and heated by his sport, and the +sultriness of the day, had been tempted by the freshness of the clear +stream; so that presently stripping, he jumped into it on the other +side, which bordered on a wood, some trees whereof, inclined down to the +water, formed a pleasing shady recess, commodious to undress and leave +his clothes under. + +"My first emotions at the sight of this youth, naked in the water, were, +with all imaginable respect to truth, those of surprise and fear; +and, in course, I should immediately have run out, had not my modesty, +fatally for itself, interposed the objection of the door and window +being so situated, that it was scarce possible to get out, and make my +way along the bank to the house, without his seeing me: which I could +not bear the thought of, so much ashamed and confounded was I at having +seen him. Condemned then to stay till his departure should release me, +I was greatly embarrassed how to dispose of myself: I kept some time +betwixt terror and modesty, even from looking through the window, which +being an old fashioned casement, without any light behind me, could +hardly betray any one's being there to him from within; then the door +was so secure, that without violence, or my own consent, there was no +opening it from without. + +"But now, by my own experience, I found it too true, that objects which +affright us, when we cannot get from them, draw our eyes as forcibly as +those that please us. I could not long withstand that nameless impulse, +which, without any desire of this novel sight, compelled me towards +it; emboldened too by my certainty of being at once unseen and safe, +I ventured by degrees to cast my eyes on an object so terrible and +alarming to my virgin modesty as a naked man. + +"But as I snatched a look, the first gleam that struck me, was in general +the dewy lustre of the whitest skin imaginable, which the sun playing +upon made the reflection of it perfectly beamy. His face, in the +confusion I was in, I could not well distinguish the lineamints of, any +farther than that there was a great deal of youth and freshness in it. +The frolic and various play of all his fine polished limbs, as they +appeared above the surface, in the course of his swimming or wantoning +with the water, amused and insensibly delighted me; sometimes he lay +motionless, on his back, waterborne, and dragging after him a fine head +of hair, that, floating, swept the stream in a bush of black curls. Then +the overflowing water would make a separation between his breast and +glossy white belly; at the bottom of which I could not escape observing +so remarkable a distinction, as a black mossy tuft, out of which +appeared to emerge a round, softish, limber, white something, that +played every way, with ever the least motion or whirling eddy. I cannot +say but that part chiefly, by a kind of natural instinct, attracted, +detained, captivated my attention: it was out of the power of all my +modesty to command my eye away from it; and seeing nothing so very +dreadful in its appearance, I insensibly looked away all my fears: but +as fast as they gave way, new desires and strange wishes took place, and +I melted as I gazed. The fire of nature, that had so long lain dormant +or concealed, began to break out, and made me feel my sex for the first +time. He had now changed his posture, and swam prone on his belly, +striking out with his legs and arms; finer modeled than which could +not have been cast, whilst his floating locks played over a neck and +shoulders whose whiteness they delightfully set off. Then the luxuriant +swell of flesh that rose from the small of his back, and terminates its +double cope at where the thighs are set off, perfectly dazzled one with +its watery glistening gloss. + +"By this time I was so affected by this inward involution of sentiments, +so softened by this sight, that now, betrayed into a sudden transition +from extreme fears to extreme desires, I found these last so strong upon +me, the heat of the weather too perhaps conspiring to exalt their +rage, that nature almost fainted under them. Not that I so much as knew +precisely what was wanting to me: my only thought was, that so sweet +a creature, as this youth seemed to me, could only make me happy; but +then, the little likelihood there was of compassing an acquaintance with +him, or perhaps of ever seeing him again, dashed my desires, and turned +them into torments. I was still gazing, with all the powers of my sight, +on this bewitching object, when, in an instant, down he went. I had +heard of such things as a cramp seizing on even the best swimmers, and +occasioning their being drowned; and imagining this so sudden eclipse +to be owing to it, the inconceivable fondness this unknown lad had given +birth to, distracted me with the most killing terrors; insomuch, that my +concern giving the wings, I flew to the door, opened it, ran down to +the canal, guided thither by the madness of my fears for him, and the +intense desire of being an instrument to save him, though I was ignorant +how, or by what means to effect it: but was it for fears, and a passion +so sudden as mine, to reason! All this took up scarce the space of a few +moments. I had then just life enough to reach the green borders of the +waterpiece, where wildly looking round for the young man, and missing +him still, my fright and concern sunk me down in a deep swoon, which +must have lasted me some time; for I did not come to myself, till I was +roused out of it by a sense of pain that pierced me to the vitals, and +awaked me to the the most surprising circumstance of finding myself not +only in the arms of this very young gentleman I had been so solicitous +to save; but taken at such an advantage in my unresisting condition, +that he had actually completed his entrance into me so far, that +weakened as I was by all the preceding conflicts of mind I had suffered, +and struck dumb by the violence of my surprise, I had neither the power +to cry out, nor the strength to disengage myself from his strenuous +embraces, before, urging his point, he had forced his way and completely +triumphed over my virginity, as he might now as well see by the +streams of blood that followed his drawing out, as he had felt by the +difficulties he had met with consummating his penetration. But the +sight of the blood, and the sense of my condition, had (as he told me +afterwards), since the ungovernable rage of his passion was somewhat +appeased, now wrought so far on him, that at all risks, even of the +worst consequences, he could not find in his heart to leave me, and make +off, which he might easily have done. I still lay all discomposed +in bleeding ruin, palpitating, speechless, unable to get off, and +frightened, and fluttering like a poor wounded partridge, and ready +to faint away again at the sense of what had befallen me. The young +gentleman was by me, kneeling, kissing my hand, and with tears in his +eyes, beseeching me to forgive him, and offering all the reparation in +his power. It is certain that could I, at the instant of regaining my +senses, have called out, or taken the bloodiest revenge, I would not +be stuck at it; the violation was attended too with such aggravating +circumstances, though he was ignorant of them, since it was to my +concern for the preservation of his life, that I owed my ruin. + +"But how quick is the shift of passions from one extreme to another! and +how little are they acquainted with the human heart who dispute it! I +could not see this amiable criminal, so suddenly the first object of my +love, and as suddenly of my just hate, on his knees, bedewing my hands +with his tears, without relenting. He was still stark-naked, but my +modesty had been already too much wounded, in essentials, to be so much +shocked as I should have otherwise been with appearances only; in short, +my anger ebbed so fast, and the tide of love returned so strong upon +me, that I felt it a point of my own happiness to forgive him. The +reproaches I made him were murmured in so soft a tone, my eyes met his +with such glances, expressing more languor than resentment, that he +could not but presume his forgiveness was at no desperate distance; but +still he would not quit his posture of submission, till I had +pronounced his pardon in form; which after the most fervent entreaties, +protestations, and promises, I had not the power to withhold. On which, +with the utmost marks of a fear of again offending, he ventured to +kiss my lips, which I neither declined nor resented: but on my mild +expostulation with him upon the barbarity of his treatment, he explained +the mystery of my ruin, if not entirely to the clearance, at least much +to the alleviation of his guilt, in the eyes of a judge so partial in +his favour as I was grown. + +"It seems that the circumstance of his going down, or sinking, which +in my extreme ignorance I had mistaken for something very fatal, was no +other than a trick of diving, which I had not ever heard, or at least +attended o, the mention of: and he was so long-breathed at it, that in +the few moments in which I ran out to save him, he had not yet emerged, +before I fell into the swoon, in which, as he rose, seeing me extended +on the bank, his first idea was, that some young woman was upon some +design of frolic or diversion with him, for he knew I could not have +fallen asleep there without his having seen me before: agreebly to which +notion he had ventured to approach, and finding me without sign of life, +and still perplexed as he was what to think of the adventure, he took +me in his arms at all hazards, and carried me into the summer-house, of +which he observed the door open: there he laid me down on the couch, and +tried, as he protested in good faith, by several means to bring me to +myself again, till fired, as he said, beyond all bearing by the sight +and touch of several parts of me, which were unguardedly exposed to him, +he could no longer govern his passion; and the less, as he was not quite +sure that his first idea of this swoon being a feint, was not the very +truth of the case; seduced then by this flattering notion, and overcome +by the present, as he styled them, super-human temptations, combined +with the solitude and seeming security of the attempt, he was not enough +his own master not to make it. Leaving me then just only whilst he +fastened the door, he returned with redoubled eagerness to his prey: +when, finding me still entranced, he ventured to place me as he pleased, +whilst I felt, no more than the dead, what he was about, till the pain +he put me to roused me just in time enough to be witness of a triumph I +was not able to defeat, and now scarce regretted: for as he talked, +the tone of his voice sounded, methought, so sweetly in my ears, the +sensible nearness of so new and interesting an object to me, wrought so +powerfully upon me, that, in the rising perception of things in a new +and pleasing light, I lost all sense of the past injury. The young +gentleman soon discerned the symptoms of a reconciliation in my softened +looks, and hastening to receive the seal of it from my lips, pressed +them tenderly to pass his pardon in the return of a kiss so melting +fiery, that the impression of it being carried to my heart, and thence +to my new discovered sphere of Venus, I was melted into a softness +that could refuse him nothing. When now he managed his caresses and +endearments so artfully, as to insinuate the most soothing consolations +for the past pain and the most pleasing expectations of future pleasure, +but whilst mere modesty kept my eyes from seeing his and rather declined +them, I had a glimpse of that instrument of mischief which was now, +obviously even to me, who had scarce had snatches of a comparative +observation of it, resuming its capacity to renew it, and grew greatly +alarming with its increase of size, as he bore it no doubt designedly, +hard and stiff against one of my hands carelessly dropt; but then he +employed such tender prefacing, such winning progressions, that my +returning passion of desire being now so strongly prompted by the +engaging circumstances of the sight and incendiary touch of his +naked glowing beauties, I yield at length at the force of the present +impressions, and he obtained of my tacit blushing consent all the +gratifications of pleasure left in the power of my poor person to +bestow, after he had cropt its richest flower, during my suspension of +life, and abilities to guard it. Here, according to the rule laid down, +I should stop; but I am so much in notion, that I could not if I would. +I shall only add, however, that I got home without the least discovery, +or suspicion of what had happened. I met my young ravisher several times +after, whom I now passionately loved and who, though not of age to +claim a small but independent fortune, would have married me; but as the +accident that prevented it, and its consequences, which threw me on the +public, contain matters too moving and serious to introduce at present, +I cut short here." + +Louisa, the brunette whom I mentioned at first, now took her turn to +treat the company with her history. I have already hinted to you the +graces of her person, than which nothing could be more exquisitely +touching; I repeat touching, as a just distinction from striking, which +is ever a less lasting effect, and more generally belongs to the fair +complexions; but leaving that decision to every one's taste, I proceed +to give you Louisa's narrative as follows: + +"According to practical maxims of life, I ought to boast of my birth, +since I owe it to pure love, without marriage; but this I know, it was +scarce possible to inherit a stronger propensity to that cause of my +being than I did. I was the rare production of the first essay of a +journeyman cabinet-maker, on his master's maid: the consequence of which +was a big belly, and the loss of a place. He was not in circumstances to +do much for her; and yet, after all this blemish, she found means, after +she had dropt her burthen, and disposed of me to a poor relation in +the country, to repair it by marrying a pastry-cook here in London, +in thriving business; on whom she soon, under favour of the complete +ascendant he had given her over him, passed me for a child she had by +her first husband. I had, on that footing, been taken home, and was +not six years old when this father-in-law died, and left my mother +in tolerable circumstances, and without any children by him. As to my +natural father, he had betaken himself to the sea; where, when the truth +of things came out, I was told that he died, not immensely rich you may +think, since he was no more than a common sailor. As I grew up, under +the eyes of my mother, who kept on the business, I could not but see, +in her severe watchfulness, the marks of a slip, which she did not +care should be hereditary; but we no more choose our passions than +our features or complexions, and the bent of mine was so strong to the +forbidden pleasure, that it got the better, at length, of all her care +and precaution. I was scarce twelve years old, before that part +which she wanted so much to keep out of harm's way, made me feel its +impatience to be taken notice of, and come into play; already had it +put forth the signs of forwardness in the sprout of a soft down over it, +which had often fluttered, and I might also say, grown under my constant +touch and visitation, so pleased was I with what I took to be a kind +of title to womanhood, that state I pined to be entered of, for the +pleasures I conceived were annexed to it; and now the growing importance +of that part to me, and the new sensations in it, demolished at once all +my girlish play-things and amusements. Nature now pointed me strongly +to more solid diversions, while all the stings of desire settled so +fiercely in that little centre of them, that I could not mistake the +spot I wanted a playfellow in. + +"I now shunned all company in which there was no hopes of coming at +the object of my longings, and used to shut myself up, to indulge in +solitude some tender meditation on the pleasure I strongly perceived the +overture of, in feeling and examining what nature assured me must be the +chosen avenue, the gates for unknown bliss to enter at, that I panted +after. + +"But these meditations only increased my disorder, and blew the fire +that consumed me. I was yet worse when, yielding at length to the +insupportable irritations of the little fairy charm that tormented me, +I seized it with my fingers, teazing it to no end. Sometimes, in the +furious excitations of desire, I threw myself on the bed, spread my +thighs abroad, and lay as it were expecting the longed-for relief, till +finding my illusion, I shut and squeezed them together again, burning +and fretting. In short, this develish thing, with its impetuous girds +and itching fires, led me such a life, that I could neither, night or +day, be at peace with it or myself. In time, however, I thought I had +gained a prodigious prize, when figuring to myself that my fingers were +something of the shape of what I pined for, I worked my way in with one +of them with great agitation and delight; yet not without pain too did I +deflower myself as far as it could reach; proceeding with such a fury of +passion, in this solitary and last shift of pleasure, as extended me at +length breathless on the bed in an amorous melting trance. + +"But frequency of use dulling the sensation, I soon began to perceive +that this work was but a paultry shallow expedient, that went but a +little way to relieve me, and rather raised more flame than its dry and +insignificant titillation could rightly appease. + +"Man alone, I almost instinctively knew, as well as by what I had +industriously picked up at weddings and christenings, was possessed of +the only remedy that could reduce this rebellious disorder; but watched +and overlooked as I was, how to come at it was the point, and that, to +all appearance, an invincible one; not that I did not rack my brains and +invention how at once to elude my mothers vigilance, and procure myself +the satisfaction of my impetuous curiosity and longings for this mighty +and untasted pleasure. At length, however, a singular chance did at once +the work of a long course of alertness. One day that we had dined at +an acquaintance over the way, together with a gentlewoman-lodger that +occupied the first floor of our house, there started an indispensable +necessity for my mother's going down to Greenwich to accompany her: the +party was settled, when I do not know what genius whispered me to plead +a headache, which I certainly had not, against my being included in a +jaunt that I had not the least relish for. The pretext, however, passed, +and my mother, with much reluctance, prevailed with herself to go +without me; but took particular care to see me safe home, where she +consigned me into the hands of an old trusty maidservants, who served in +the shop, for we had not a male creature in the house. + +"As soon as she was gone, I told the maid I would go up and lie down on +our lodger's bed, mine not being made, with a charge to her at the same +time not to disturb me, as it was only rest I wanted. This injunction +probably proved of eminent service to me. As soon as I was got into the +bedchamber, I unlaced my stays, and threw myself on the outside of the +bedclothes, in all the loosest undress. Here I gave myself up to the old +insipid privy shifts of my self-viewing, self-touching self-enjoying, +in fine, to all the means of self knowledge I could devise, in search +of the pleasure that fled before me, and tantalized with that unknown +something that was out of my reach; thus all only served to enflame +myself, and to provoke violently my desires, whilst the one thing +needful to their satisfaction was not at hand, and I could have bit my +finger for representing it so ill. After then wearying and fatiguing +myself with grasping shadows, whilst that most sensible part of me +disdained to content itself with less than realities, the strong +yearnings, the urgent struggles of nature towards the melting relief, +and the extreme self-agitations I had used to come at it, had wearied +and thrown me into a kind of unquiet sleep: for, if I tossed and threw +about my limbs in proportion to the distraction of my dreams, as I had +reason to believe I did, a bystander could not have helped seeing all +for love. And one there was it seems; for waking out of my very short +slumber, I found my hand locked in that of a young man, who was. +kneeling at my bed-side, and begging my pardon for his boldness: but +that being a son to the lady to whom, this bed-chamber, he knew, +belonged, he had slipped by the servant of the shop, as he supposed, +unperceived, when finding me asleep, his first ideas were to withdraw; +but that he had been fixed and detained there by a power he could better +account for, than resist. + +"What shall I say? my emotions of fear and surprise were instantly +subdued by those of the pleasure I bespoke in great presence of mind +from the turn this adventure might take. He seemed to me no other than a +pitying angel, dropt out of the clouds: for he was young and perfectly +handsome, which was more than even I had asked for, man, in general, +being all that my utmost desires had pointed at. I thought then I could +not put too much encouragement into my eyes and voice; I regretted no +leading advances; no matter for his after-opinion of my forwardness, +so it might bring him to the point of answering my pressing demands of +present case; it was not now with his thoughts but his actions that my +business immediately lay. I raised then my head, and told him, in a soft +tone, that tended to prescribe the same key to him, that his mamma was +gone out and would not return till late at night: which I thought no +bad hint; but as it proved, I had nothing of a novice to deal with. The +impressions I had made on him from the discoveries I had betrayed of my +person in the disordered motions of it, during his view of me asleep, +had, as he afterwards told me, so fixed and charmingly prepared +him, that, had I known his dispositions, I had more to hope from his +violence, than to fear from his respect; and even less than the extreme +tenderness which I threw into my voice and eyes, would have served to +encourage him to make the most of the opportunity. Finding then that his +kisses, imprinted on my hand, were taken as tamely as he could wish, +he rose to my lips; and glewing his to them, made me so faint with +overcoming joy and pleasure, that I fell back, and he with me, in +course, on the bed, upon which I had, by insensibly shifting from the +side to near the middle, invitingly, made room for him. He is now lain +down by me, and the minutes being too precious to consume in ultimate +ceremony, or dalliance, my youth proceeds immediately to those +extremities, which all my looks, humming and palpitations, had assured +him he might attempt without the fear of a repulse: those rogues the +men, read us admirably on these occasions. I lay then at length panting +for the imminent attack, with wishes far beyond my fears, and for which +it was scarce possible for a girl, barely thirteen, but tall and well +grown, to have better dispositions. He threw up my petticoat and shift, +whilst my thighs were, by an instinct of nature, unfolded to their best; +and my desires had so thoroughly destroyed all modesty in me, that even +their being now naked and all laid open to him, was part of the prelude +that pleasure deepened my blushes at, more than same. But when his hand, +and touches, naturally attracted to their center, made me feel all their +wantonness and warmth in, and round it, oh! how immensely different a +sense of things, did I perceive there, than when under my own insipid +handling! And now his waistcoat was unbuttoned, and the confinement +of the breeches burst through, when out started to view the amazing, +pleasing object of all my wishes, all my dreams, all my love, the king +member indeed! I gazed at, I devoured it, at length and breadth, with +my eyes intently directed to it, till his; getting upon me, and placing +between my thighs, took from me the enjoyment of its sight, to give me a +far more grateful one, in its touch, in that part where its touch is so +exquisitely affecting. Applying it then to the minute opening, for such +at that age it certainly was, I met with too much good will, I felt with +too great a rapture of pleasure the first insertion of it, to heed much +the pain that followed: I thought nothing too dear to pay for this the +richest treat of the sense; so that, split up, torn, bleeding, mangled +I was still superiorly pleased, and hugged the author of all this +delicious ruin. But when, soon after, he made his second attack, sore as +every thing was, the smart was soon put away by the sovereign cordial; +all my soft complainings were silenced, and the pain melting fast away +into pleasure. I abandoned myself over to all its transports, and gave +it the full possession of my whole body and soul; for now all thought +was at an end with me; I lived in what I felt only. And who could +describe those feelings, those agitations, yet exalted by the charm of +their novelty and surprise? when that part of me which had so hungered +for the dear morsel that now so delightfully crammed, forced all my +vital sensations to fix their home there, during the stay of my beloved +guest; who too soon paid me for his hearty welcome, in a dissolvent, +richer far than that I have heard of some queen treating her paramour +with, in liquified pearl, and ravishingly poured into me, where, now +myself too much melted to give it a dry reception, I hailed it with the +warmest confluence on my side, amidst all those ecstatic raptures, not +unfamiliar I presume to this good company. Thus, however, I arrived at +the very top of all my wishes, by an accident unexpected indeed, but +not so wonderful; for this young gentleman was just arrived in town from +college, and came familiarly to his mother at her apartment, where he +had once before been, though, by mere chance. I had not seen him: so +that we knew one another by hearing only; and finding me stretched on +his mother's bed, he readily concluded from her description, who it was. +The rest you know. + +"This affair had however no ruinous consequences, the young gentleman +escaping then, and many more times undiscovered. But the warmth of my +constitution, that made the pleasures of love a kind of necessary of +life to me, having betrayed me into indiscretions fatal to my private +fortune, I fell at length to the public; from which, it is probable, I +might have met with the worst of ruin, if my better fate had not thrown +me into this safe and agreeable refuge." + +Here Louisa ended; and these little histories having brought the time +for the girls to retire, and to prepare for the revels of the evening, I +staid with Mrs. Cole, till Emily came, and told us the company was met, +and waited for us. + +Mrs. Cole on this, taking me by the hand, with a smile of encouragement, +led me up stairs, preceded by Louisa, who was come to hasten us, and +lighted us with two candles, one in each hand. + +On the landing-place of the first pair of stairs, we were met by a young +gentleman, extremely well dressed, and a very pretty figure, to whom I +was to be indebted for the first essay of the pleasures of the house. +He saluted me with great gallantry, and handed me into the drawing room, +the floor of which was overspread with a Turkey carpet, and all its +furniture voluptuously adapted to every demand of the most studied +luxury; now too it was, by means of a profuse illumination, enlivened +by a light scarce inferior, and perhaps more favourable to joy, more +tenderly pleasing, than that of broad sunshine. + +On my entrance into the room, I had the satisfaction! to hear a buzz of +approbation run through the whole company, which now consisted of four +gentlemen, including my particular (this was the cant term of the +house for one's gallant for the time), the three young-women, in a +neat flowing dishabille, the mistress of the academy, and myself. I was +welcomed and saluted by a kiss all round, in which, however, it was easy +to-discover, in the superior warmth of that of the men, the distinction +of the sexes. + +Awed, and confounded as I was, at seeing myself surrounded, caressed, +and made court to by so many strangers, I could not immediately +familiarize myself to all that air of gaiety and joy, which dictated +their compliments, and animated their caresses. + +They assured me that I was so perfectly to their taste, as to have but +one fault against me, which I might easily be cured of, and that was +my modesty: this, they observed, might pass for a beauty the more with +those who wanted it for a heigh tener; but their maxim was, that it was +an impertinent mixture, and dashed the cup so as to spoil the sincere +draught of pleasure; they considered it accordingly as their mortal +enemy, and gave it no quarter wherever they met with it. This was a +prologue not unworthy of the revels that ensued. + +In the midst of all the frolic and wantonness, which this joyous band +had presently, and all naturally, run into, an elegant supper was served +in, and we sat down to it, my spark elect placing himself next to me, +and the other couples without order or ceremony. The delicate cheer and +good wine soon banished all reserve; the conversation grew as lively as +could be wished, without taking too loose a turn: these professors of +pleasure knew too well, how to stale impressions of it, or evaporate +the imagination of words, before the time of action. Kisses however were +snatched at times, or where a handkerchief round the neck interposed +its feeble barrier, it was not extremely respected: the hands of the men +went to work with their usual petulance, till the provocation on both +sides rose to such a pitch, that my particulars's proposal for beginning +the country dances was received with instant assent: for, as he +laughingly added, he fancied the instruments were in tune. This was a +signal for preparation, that the complaisant Mrs. Cole, who understood +life, took for her cue of disappearing; no longer so fit for personal +service herself, and content with having settled the order of battle, +she left us the field, to fight it out at discretion. + +As soon as she was gone, the table was removed from the middle, and +became a side-board; a couch was brought into its place, of which when I +whisperingly inquired the reason, of my particular, he told me, "that +as it was chiefly on my account that his convention was met, the parties +intended at once to humour their taste of variety in pleasures, and by +an open public enjoyment, to see me broke of any taint of reserve or +modesty, which they looked on as the poison of joy; that though they +occasionally preached pleasure, and lived up to the text, they did not +enthusiastically set up for missionaries, and only indulged themselves +in the delights of a practical instruction of all the pretty women they +liked well enough to bestow it upon, and who fell properly in the way of +it; but that as such a proposal might be too violent, too shocking for a +young beginner, the old standers were to set an example, which he hoped +I would not be averse to follow, since it was to him I was devolved in +favour of the first experiment; but that still I was perfectly at my +liberty to refuse the party, which being in its nature one of pleasure, +supposed an exclusion of all force or constraint." + +My countenance expressed, no doubt, my surprise as my silence did my +acquiescence. I was now embarked, and thoroughly determined on any +voyage the company would take me on. + +The first that stood up, to open the ball, were a cornet of horse, and +that sweetest of olive-beauties, the soft and amorous Louisa. He led her +to the couch (nothing loth), on which he gave her the fall, and extended +her at length with an air of roughness and vigour, relishing high of +amorous eagerness and impatience. The girl, spreading herself to the +best advantage, with her head upon the pillow, was so concentered in +that she was about, that our presence was the least of her care and +concern. Her petticoats, thrown up with her shift, discovered to the +company the finest turned legs and thighs that could be imagined, and +in broad display, that gave us a full view of that delicious cleft of +flesh, into which the pleasing hair, grown mount over it, parted and +presented a most inviting entrance, between two close hedges, delicately +soft and pouting. Her gallant was now ready, having disencumbered +himself from his clothes, overloaded with lace, and presently, his shirt +removed, shewed us his forces at high plight, bandied and ready for +action. But giving us no time to consider the dimensions, he threw +himself instantly over his charming antagonist who received him as he +pushed at once dead at mark, like a heroine, without flinching; for +surely never was girl constitutionally truer to the taste of joy, or +sincerer in the expressions of its sensations, than she was: we +could observe pleasure lighten in her eyes, as he introduced his +plenipotentiary instrument into her; till, at length, having indulged +her to its utmost reach, its irritations grew so violent, and gave her +the spurs so furiously, that collected within herself, and lost to every +thing but the enjoyment of her favourite feelings, she retarded his +thrusts with a just concert of spring heaves, keeping time so exactly +with the most pathetic sighs, that one might have numbered the strokes +in agitation by their distinct murmurs, whilst her active limbs kept +wreathing and intertwisting with his, in convulsive folds: then the +turtle-billing kisses, and the poignant painless lovebites, which they +both exchanged, in a rage of delight, all conspiring towards the +melting period. It soon came on, when Louisa, in the ravings of her +pleasure-frensy, impotent of all restraint, cried out: "Oh Sir!... Good +Sir! pray do not spare me! ah! ah!..." All her accents now faultering +into heart-fetched sighs, she closed her eyes in the sweet death, in +the instant of which we could easily see the signs in the quiet, dying, +languid posture of her late so furious driver, who was stopped of a +sudden, breathing short, panting, and, for that time, giving up the +spirit of pleasure. As soon as he was dismounted, Louisa sprung up, +shook her petticoats, and running up to me, gave me a kiss, and drew me +to the side-board, to which she was herself handed by her gallant, where +they made me pledge them in a glass of wine, and toast a droll health of +Louisa's proposal in high frolic. + +By this time the second couple was ready to enter the lists: which were +a young baronet, and that delicatest of charmers, the winning, tender +Harriet. My gentle esquire came to acquaint me with it, and brought me +back to the scene of action. + +And, surely, never did one of her profession accompany her dispositions, +for the barefaced part she was engaged to play, with such a peculiar +grace of sweetness, modesty and yielding coyness, as she did. All her +air and motions breathed only unreserved, unlimited complaisance without +the least mixture of impudence, or prostitution. But what was yet more +surprising, her spark elect, in the midst of the dissolution of a public +open enjoyment, doated on her to distraction, and had, by dint of love +and sentiments, touched her heart, though for a while the restraint +of their engagement to the house laid him under a kind of necessity of +complying with an institution which himself had had the greatest share +establishing. + +Harriet was then led to the vacant couch by her gallant, blushing as +she looked at me, and with eyes made to justify any thing, tenderly +bespeaking of me the most favourable construction of the step she was +thus irresistibly drawn into. + +Her lover, for such he was, sat her down at the foot of the couch, and +passing his arm round her neck, preluded with a kiss fervently applied +to her lips, that visibly gave her life and spirit to go through with +the scene; and as he kissed, he gently inclined her head, till it fell +back on a pillow disposed to receive it, and leaning himself down all +the way with her, at once countenanced and endeared her fall to her. +There, as if he had guessed our wishes, or meant to gratify at once his +pleasure and his pride, in being the master, by the title of present +possession, of beauties delicate beyond imagination, he discovered her +breast to his own touch, and our common view; but oh! what delicious +manual of love devotion; how inimitable fine moulded! small, round, +firm, and excellently white; then the grain of their skin, so soothing, +so flattering to the touch! and of beauty. When he had feasted his eyes +with the their nipples, that crowned them, the sweetest buds touch and +perusal, feasted his lips with kisses of the highest relish, imprinted +on those all delicious twin-orbs, he proceeded downwards. + +Her legs still kept the ground; and now, with the tenderest attention +not to shock or alarm her too suddenly, he, by degrees, rather stole +than rolled up her petticoats; at which, as if a signal had been given, +Louisa and Emily took hold of her legs, in pure wantonness, and, in ease +to her, kept them stretched wide abroad. Then lay exposed, or, to speak +more properly, displayed the greatest parade in nature of female charms. +The whole company, who, except myself, had often seen them, seemed as +much dazzled, surprised and delighted, as any one could be who had now +beheld them for the first time. Beauties so excessive could not but +enjoy the privileges of eternal novelty. Her thighs were so exquisitely +fashioned, that either more in, or more out of flesh than they were, +they would have declined from that point of perfection they presented. +But what infinitely enriched and adorned them, was the sweet +intersection formed, where they met, at the bottom of the smoothest, +roundest, whitest belly, by that central furrow which nature had sunk +there, between the soft relievo of two pouting ridges, and which, in +this girl, was in perfect symmetry of delicacy and miniature with the +rest of her frame. No! nothing in nature could be of a beautifuller cut; +then, the dark umbrage of the downy spring moss that over-arched it, +bestowed, on the luxury of the landscape, a touching warmth, a tender +finishing, beyond the expression of words, or even the paint of thought. + +Her truly enamoured gallant, who had stood absorbed and engrossed by the +pleasure of the sight long enough to afford us time to feast ours (no +fear of glutting!) addressed himself at length to the materials of +enjoyment, and lifting the linen veil that hung between us and his +master member of the revels, exhibited one whose eminent size proclaimed +the owner a true woman's hero. He was, besides in every other respect, +an accomplished gentleman, and in the bloom and vigour of youth. +Standing then between Harriet's legs, which were supported by her two +companions at their widest extension, with one hand he gently disclosed +the lips of that luscious mouth of nature, whilst with the other, he +stooped his mighty machine to its lure, from the height of his stiff +stand-up towards his belly; the lips, kept open by his fingers, received +its broad shelving head of coral hue: and when he had nestled it in, he +hovered there a little, and the girls then delivered over to his hips +the agreeable office of supporting her thighs; and now, as if he meant +to spin out his pleasure, and give it the more play for its life, he +passed up his instrument so slow that we lost sight of it inch by inch, +till at length it was wholly taken into the soft laboratory of love, and +the mossy mounts of each fairly met together. In the mean time, we could +plainly mark the prodigious effect the progressions of this delightful +energy wrought in this delicious girl, gradually heightening her beauty +as they heightened her pleasure. Her countenance and whole frame grew +more animated; the faint blush of her cheeks, gaining ground on the +white, deepened into a florid vivid vermillion glow, her naturally +brilliant eyes now sparkled with ten-fold lustre; her languor was +vanished, and she appeared quick, spirited and alive all over. He had +now fixed, nailed, this tender creature, with his home-driven wedge, +so that she lay passive by force, and unable to stir, till beginning +to play a strain of arms against this vein of delicacy, as he urged the +to-and-fro con-friction, he awakened, roused, and touched her so to the +heart, that unable to contain herself, she could not but reply to his +motions, as briskly as her nicety of frame would admit of, till the +raging stings of the pleasure rising towards the point, made her wild +with the intolerable sensations of it, and she now threw her legs and +arms about at random, as she lay lost in the sweet transport; which on +his side declared itself by quicker, eager thrusts, convulsive gasps, +burning sighs, swift laborious breathing, eyes darting humid fires: all +faithful tokens of the imminent approaches of the last gasp of joy. +It came on at length: the baronet led the extasy, which she critically +joined in, as she felt the melting symptoms from him, in the nick of +which, gluing more ardently than ever his lips to hers, he shewed all +the signs of that agony of bliss being strong upon him, in which he gave +her the finishing titillation; inly thrilled with which, we saw plainly +that she answered it down with all effusion of spirit and matter she was +mistress of, whilst a general soft shudder ran through all her limbs, +which she gave a stretch out, and lay motionless, breathless, dying with +dear delight; and in the height of its expression, showing, through the +nearly closed lids of her eyes, just the edges of their black, the rest +being rolled strongly upwards in their extasy; then her sweet mouth +appeared languish-ingly open, with the tip of her tongue leaning +negligently towards the lower range of her white teeth, whilst natural +ruby colour of her lips glowed with heightened life. Was not this a +subject to dwell upon? And accordingly her lover still kept on her, with +an abiding delectation, till compressed, squeezed and distilled to the +last drop, he took leave with one fervent kiss, expressing satisfied +desires, but unextinguished love. + +As soon as he was off, I ran to her, and sitting down on the couch by +her, rais'd her head, which she declined gently, and hung on my bosom, +to hide her blushes and confusion at what had passed, till by degrees +she re-composed herself, and accepted of a restorative glass of wine +from my spark, who had left me to fetch it to her, whilst her own +was readjusting his affaire and buttoning up; after which he led her, +leaning languish-ingly upon him, to oar stand of view round the couch. + +And now Emily's partner had taken her out for her share in the dance, +when this transcendently fair and sweet tempered creature readily stood +up; and if a com-extreme pretty features, and that florid health and +complexion to put the rose and lily out of countenance, extreme pretty +features, and that florid health and bloom for which the country girls +are so lovely, might pass her for a beauty, this she certainly was, and +one of the most striking of the fair ones. + +Her gallant began first, as she stood, to disengage, her breasts, and +restore them to the liberty of nature, from the easy confinement of no +more than a pair of jumps; but on their coming out to view, we thought +a new light was added to the room, so superiourly shining was their +whiteness; then they rose in so happy a swell as to compose her a well +horned fullness of bosom, that had such an effect on the eye as to seem +flash hardened into marble, of which it emulated the polished gloss, and +far surpassed even the whitest, in the life and lustre of its +colours, white weined with blue. Who could refrain from such provoking +enticements in reach? he touched her breasts, first lightly, when the +glossy smoothness of the skin eluded his hand, and made it slip along +the surface; he pressed them, and the springy flesh that filled them, +thus pitted by force, rose again reboundingly with his hand, and on the +instant defaced the pressure: and alike indeed was the consistence +of all those parts of her body throughout, where the fulness of flesh +compacts and constitutes all that fine firmness which the touch is so +highly attached to. When he had thus largely pleased himself with this +branch of dalliance and delight, he trussed up her petticoat and shift, +in a wisp to her waist, where being tucked in, she stood fairly naked +on every side; a blush at this overspread her lovely face, and her eyes +downcast to the ground, seemed to be for quarter, when she had so great +a right to triumph in all the treasures of youth and beauty that she now +so victoriously displayed. Her legs were perfectly well shaped and +her thighs, which she kept pretty close, shewed so white, so round, so +substantial and abounding in firm flesh, that nothing could afford a +stronger recommendation to the luxury of the touch, which he accordingly +did not fail to indulge in. Then gently removing her hand, which in the +first emotion of natural modesty, she had carried thither, he gave +us rather a glimpse than a view of that soft narrow chink running +its little length downwards, and hiding the remains of it between her +thighs; but plain was to be seen the fringe of light-brown curls, in +beauteous growth over it, that with their silk gloss created a pleasing +variety from the surrounding white, whose lustre too, their gentle +embrowning shade, considerably raised. Her spark then endeavoured, as +she stood, by disclosing her thighs, to gain us a completer sight of +that central charm of attraction, but not obtaining it so conveniently +in that attitude, he led her to the foot of the couch, and bringing +it to one of the pillows gently inclined her head down, so that as she +leaned with it over her crossed hands, straddling with her thighs wide +spread, and jutting her body out, she presented a full back view of +her person, naked to her waist. Her posteriors, plump, smooth, and +prominent, formed luxuriant tracts of animated snow, that splendidly +filled the eye, till it was commanded down the parting or separation +of those exquisitely white cliffs, by their narrow vale, and was there +stopt, and attracted by the embowered bottom-savity, that terminated +this delightful vista and stood moderately gaping from the influence of +her bended posture, so that the agreeable interior red of the sides of +the orifice came into view, and with respect to the white that dazzled +round it, gave somewhat the idea of a pink slash in the glossiest white +satin. Her gallant, who was a gentleman about thirty, somewhat inclined +to a fatness that was in no sort displeasing, improving the hint thus +tendered him of this mode of enjoyment, after setting her well in this +posture, and encouraging her with kisses and caresses to stand him +thro', drew out his affair ready erected, and whose extreme length, +rather disproportioned to its breadth, was the more surprising, as that +excess is not often the case with those of his corpulent habit; making +then the right and direct application, he drove it up to the guard, +whilst the round bulge of those Turkish beauties of her's, tallying +with the hollow made with the bent of his belly and thighs, as he curved +inwards, brought all those parts, surely not un-delightfully, into warm +touch, and close conjunction; his hands he kept passing round her body, +and employed in toying with her enchanting breasts. As soon too as she +felt him at home as he could reach, she lifted her head a little from +the pillow, and turning her neck, without much straining, but her +cheeks glowing with the deepest scarlet, and a smile of the tenderest +satisfaction, met the kiss he pressed forward to give her as they were +thus close joined together: when leaving him to pursue his delights, she +hid again her face and blushes with her hands and pillow, and thus stood +passively and as favourably too as she could, whilst he kept laying at +her with repeated thrusts and making the meeting flesh on both sides +resound again with the violence of them; then ever as he backened from +her, we could see between them part of his long white staff foamingly in +motion, till, as he went on again and closed with her, the interposing +hillocks took it out of sight. Sometimes he took his hands from the +semi-globes of her bosom, and transferred the pressure of them to +those large ones, the present subjects of his soft blockade, which he +squeezed, grasped and played with, till at length in pursuit of driving, +so hotly urged, brought on the height of the fit, with such overpowering +pleasure, that his fair partner became now necessary to support him, +panting, fainting and dying as he discharged; which she no sooner felt +the killing sweetness of, than unable to keep her legs, and yielding to +the mighty intoxication, she reeld, and falling forward on the couch, +made it a necessity for him, if he would preserve the warm-pleasure +hold, to fall upon her, where they perfected, in a continued conjunction +of body and extatic flow, their scheme of joys for that time. + +As soon as he had disengaged, the charming Emily got up, and we crowded +round her with congratulations and other officious little services; for +it is to be noted, that though all modesty and reserve were banished +from the transaction of these pleasures, good manners and politeness +were inviolably observed: there was no gross ribaldry, no offensive +or rude behaviour, or ungenerous reproaches to the girls for their +compliance With the humours and desires of the men. On the contrary, +nothing was wanting to soothe, encourage, and soften the sense of their +condition to them. Men know not in general how much they destroy of +their own pleasure, when they break through the respect and tenderness +due to our sex, and even to those of it who live only by pleasing +them. And this was a maxim perfectly well understood by these polite +voluptuaries, these profound adepts in the great art and science of +pleasure, who never shewed these votaries of theirs a more tender +respect than at the time of those exercises of their complaisance, when +they unlocked their treasures of concealed beauty, and shewed out in the +pride of their native charms, ever more touching surely than when they +parade it in the artificial ones of dress and ornament. + +The frolic was now come round to me, and it being my turn of +subscription to the will and pleasure of my particular elect, as well +as to that of the company, he came to me, and saluting me very tenderly, +with a flattering eagerness, put me in mind of the compliances my +presence there authorized the hopes of, and at the same time repeated to +me, "that if all this force of example had not surmounted any repugnance +I might have to concur with the humours and desires of the company, that +though the play was bespoke for my benefit, and great as his own private +disappointment might be, he would suffer any thing, sooner than be the +instrument of imposing a disagreeable task." + +To this I answered, without the least hesitation, or mincing grimace, +"that had I not even contracted a kind of engagement to be at his +disposal without the least reserve, the example of such agreeable +companions would alone determine me, and that I was in no pain about any +thing but my appearing to so great a disadvantage after such superior +beauties." And take notice that I thought, as I spoke. The frankness +of the answer pleased them all; my particular was complimented on his +acquisition, and, by way of indirect flattery to me, openly envied me. + +Mrs. Cole, by the way, could not have given me a greater mark of her +regard than in managing for me the choice of this young gentleman for +my master of the ceremonies: for, independent of his noble birth and the +great fortune he was heir to, his person was even uncommonly pleasing, +well shaped and tall; his face marked with the small-pox, but no more +than what added a grace of more manliness to features rather turned to +softness and delicacy, was marvellously enlivened by eyes which were of +the clearest sparkling black; in short he was one whom any woman would, +in the familiar style, ready call a very pretty fellow. + +I was now handed by him to the cockpit of our match, where, as I was +dressed in nothing but a white morning gown, he vouchsafed to play the +male Abigail on this occasion, and spared me the confusion that would +have attended the forwardness of undressing myself: my gown then was +loosen'd in a trice, and I divested of it; my stays next offered an +obstacle which readily gave way, Louisa very readily furnished a pair of +scissors to cut the lace; off went that shell and dropping my uppercoat, +I was reduced to my under one and my shift, the open bosom of which gave +the hands and eyes all the liberty they could wish. Here I imagined the +stripping was to stop, but I reckon short; my spark, at the desire of +the rest, tenderly begged, that I would not suffer the small remains of +a covering to rob them of a full view of my whole person; and for me, +who was too flexibly obsequious to dispute any point with them, and who +considered the little more that remained as very immaterial, I readily +assented to whatever he pleased-In an instant, then, my under petticoat +was untied and at my feet, and my shift drawn over my head, so that my +cap, slightly fastened, came off with it, and brought all my hair down +(of which, be it again remembered without vanity, that I had a very fine +head) in loose disorderly ringlets, over my neck and shoulders, to the +no unfavourable set-off of my skin. + +I now stood before my judges in all the truth of nature, to whom I could +not appear a very disagreeable figure, if you please to recollect what +I have beforesaid of my person, which time, that at certain periods of +life robs use every instant of our charms, had, at that of mine, then +greatly improved into full and open, bloom, for I wanted some months +of eighteen. My breasts, which in the state of nudity are ever capital +points, now in no more than in graceful plenitude, maintained a firmness +and steady independence of any stay or support, that dared and invited +the test of the touch. Then I was as tall, as slim-shaped as could +be consistent with all that juicy plumpness of flesh, ever the most +grateful to the senses of sight and touch, which I owed to the +health and youth of my constitution. I had not, however, so thoroughly +renounced all innate shame, as not to suffer great confusion at the +state I saw myself in; but the whole troop round me, men and women, +relieved me with every mark of applause and satisfaction, even +flattering attention to raise and inspire me with even sentiments +of pride on the figure I made, which my friend gallantly protested, +infinitely outshone all other birthday finery whatever; so that had I +leave to set down, for sincere, all the compliments these connoisseurs +overwhelmed me with upon this occasion, I might flatter myself with +having passed my examination with the approbation of the learned. + +My friend, however, who for this time had alone the disposal of me, +humoured their curiosity, and perhaps his own, so far, that he placed me +in all the variety of postures and lights imaginable, pointing out +every beauty under every aspect of it, not without such parentheses, +of kisses, such inflammatory liberties of his roving hands, as made all +shame fly before them, and a blushing glow give place to a warmer one +of desire, which led me even to find some relish in the present scene. + +But in this general survey, you may be sure, the most material spot of +me was not excused the strictest visitation; nor was it but agreed, that +I had not the least reason to be diffident of passing even for a maid, +on occasion; so inconsiderable a flaw had my preceding adventures +created there, and so soon had the blemish of an over-stretch been +repaired and worn out at any age, and in my naturally small make in that +part. + +Now, whether my partner had exhausted all the modes of regaling the +touch or sight, or whether he was now ungovernably wound up to strike, I +know not; but briskly throwing off his clothes, the prodigious heat +bred by a close room, a great fire, numerous candles, and even the +inflammatory warmth of these scenes, induced him to lay aside his shirt +too, when his breeches, before loosened, now gave up their contents +to view, and shew'd in front the enemy I had to engage with, stiffly +bearing up the port of its head imhooded, and glowing red. Then I +plainly saw what I had to trust to: it was one of those just true-sized +instruments, of which the masters have a better command than the more +unwieldy, inordinate sized one are generally under. Straining me then +close to his bosom, as he stood up foreright against me, and applying to +the obvious niche its peculiar idol, he aimed at inserting it, which, +as I forwardly favoured, he effected at once, by canting up my thighs +over his naked hips, and made me receive every inch, and close home; +so-that stuck upon the pleasure-pivot, add clinging round his neck, in +which and in his hair I hid my face, burn-ingly flushing with present +feeling as much as with shame, my bosom glued to him; he carried me once +round the couch, on which he then, without quitting the middle-fastness, +or dischannelling, laid me down, and began with pleasure-grist. But so +provokingly predisposed and primed as we were, by all the moving sights +of the night, our imagination was too much heated not to melt us of the +soonest; and accordingly I no sooner felt the warm spray darted up my +inwards-, from him, but I was punctually on flow, to share the momentary +extasy; but I had yet greater reason to boast of our harmony: for +finding that all the flames of desire were not yet quenched within +me, but that rather, like wetted coals, I glowed the fiercer for this +sprinkling, my hot-mettled spark, sympathizing with me, and loaded for a +double fire, recontinued the sweet battery with undying vigour; greatly +encouraged to accommodate all my motions to his best advantage and +delight; kisses, squeezes, tender murmurs, all came into play, till our +joys growing more turbulent and riotous, threw us into a fond disorder, +and as they raged to a point, bore us far from our selves into an +ocean of boundless pleasures, into which we both plunged together in a +transport of taste. Now all the impressions of burning desire, from +the lively scenes I had been spectatress of, ripened the heat of this +exercise, and collecting to a head, throbbed and agitated me with +insupportable irritations: I perfectly fevered and maddened with their +excess. I bid not now enjoy a calm of reason enough to perceive, but +I extatically, indeed, felt the power of such rare and exquisite +provocatives, as the examples of the night had proved towards thus +exalting our pleasures: which, with great joy. I sensibly found my +gallant shared in, by his nervous and home expressions of it: his eyes +flashing eloquent flames, his action infuriated with the stings of it, +all conspiring to raise my delight, by assuring me of his. Lifted then +to the utmost pitch of joy that human life can bear, undestroyed by +excess, I touched that sweetly critical point, whence scarce prevented +by the injection from my partner, I dissolved, and breaking out into a +deep drawn sigh, sent my whole sensitive soul down to that passage where +escape was denied it, by its being so deliciously plugged and choked up. +Thus we lay a few blissful instants, overpowered, still, and languid; +till, as the sense of pleasure stagnated, we recovered from our trance, +and he slipt out of me, not however before he had protested his extreme +satisfaction by the tenderest kiss and embrace, as well as by the most +cordial expressions. + +The company, who had stood round us in a profound silence, when all was +over, helped me to hurry on my clothes in an instant, and complimented +me on the sincere homage they could not escape observing had been done +as they termed it--to the sovereignty of my charms, in my receiving a +double payment of tribute at one juncture. But my partner, now dressed +again, signalized, above all, a fondness unbated by the circumstance of +recent enjoyment; the girls too kissed and embraced me, assuring me +that for that time, or indeed any other, unless I pleased, I was to +go through no farther public trials, and that I was now consummatedly +initiated, and one of them. + +As it was an inviolable law for every gallant to keep to his partner, +for the night especially, and even till he relinquished possession over +to the community, in order to preserve a pleasing property, and to avoid +the disgusts and indelicacy of another arrangement, the company, after +a short refection of biscuits and wine, tea and chocolate, served in at +now about one in the morning, broke up, and went off in pairs. Mrs. Cole +had prepared my spark and me an occasion field-bed, to which we retired, +and there ended the night in one continued strain of pleasure, sprightly +and uncloyed enough for us not to have formed one wish for its ever +knowing an end. In the morning, after a restorative breakfast in bed, +he got up, and with very tender assurance of a particular regard for me, +left me to the composure and refreshment of a sweet slumber; waking out +of which, and getting up to dress before Mrs. Cole should come in, I +found in one of my pockets a purse of guineas, which he had slipt there; +and just as I was musing on a liberality I had certainly not expected, +Mrs. Cole came in, to whom I immediately communicated the present, and +naturally offered her whatever share she pleased: but assuring me that +the gentleman had very nobly rewarded her, she would on no terms, no +entreaties, no shape I could put it in, receive any part of it. Her +denial, she observed, was no affectation of grimace, and proceeded to +read me such admirable lessons on the economy of my person and my purse, +as I became amply paid for my general attention and conformity to in +the course of my acquaintance with the town. After which, changing the +discourse, she fell on the pleasures of the preceding night, where I +learned, without much surprise, as I began to enter on her character, +that she had seen every thing that had passed, from a convenient place +managed solely for that purpose, and of which she readily made me the +confidante. + +She had scarce finished this, when the little troop of love girls, my +companions, broke in, and renewed their compliments and caresses.. I +observed with pleasure, that the fatigues and exercises of the night +had not usurped in the least on the life of their complexion, or the +freshness of their bloom: this I found, by their confession, was owing +to the management and advice of our rare directress. They went down then +to figure it, as usual, in the shop; whilst I repaired to my lodging, +where I employed myself till I returned to dinner at Mrs. Cole's. + +Here I staid in constant amusement, with one or other of these charming +girls, till about five in the evening; when seized with a sudden drowsy +fit, I was prevailed on to go up and doze it off on Harriet's bed, who +left me on it to my repose. There then I laid down in my clothes, and +fell fast asleep, and had now enjoyed, by guess, about an hour's rest, +when I was pleasingly disturbed by my new and favourite gallant, who, +enquiring for me, was readily directed where to find me. Coming then +into my chamber, and seeing me lie alone, with my face turned from the +light towards the inside of the bed, he, without more ado, just slipped +off his breeches, for the greater ease and enjoyment of the naked +touch; and softly turning up my petticoats and shift behind, opened the +prospect of the back avenue to the genial seat of pleasure; where, as I +lay at my side length, inclining rather face downward, I appeared full +fair, and liable to be entered. Laying himself gently down by me, he +invested me behind, and giving me to feel the warmth of his body, as +he applied his thighs and belly close to me, and the endeavours of that +machine, whose touch has something so exquisitely singular in it, to +make its way good into me. I awaked pretty much startled at first, at +seeing who it was, disposed myself to turn to him, when he gave me a +kiss, and desiring me to keep my posture, just lifted up my upper thigh, +and ascertaining the right opening, soon drove it up to the farthest: +satisfied with which, and solacing himself with lying so close in those +parts, he suspended motion, and thus steeped in pleasure, kept me lying +on my side, into him, spoon-fashion, as he termed it, from the snug +indent of the back part of my thighs, and all upwards, into the space +of the bending between his thighs and belly; till, after some time, +that restless and turbulent inmate, impatient by nature of longer quiet, +urged him to action, which now prosecuting with all the usual train of +toying, kissing, and the like, ended at length in the liquid proof on +both sides, that we had not exhausted, or at less were quickly recruited +of last night's draughts of pleasure in us. + +With this noble and agreeable youth lived I in perfect joy and +constancy. He was full bent on keeping me to himself, for the +honey-month at least; but his stay in London was not even so long, his +father, who had a post in Ireland, taking him abruptly with him, on +his repairing thither. Yet even then I was near keeping hold of his +affection and person, as he had proposed, and I had consented to follow +him in order to go to Ireland after him, as soon as he could be settled +there; but meeting with an agreeable and advantageous match in that +kingdom, he chose the wiser part, and forebore sending for me, but +at the same time took care that I should receive a very magnificent +present, which did not however compensate for all my deep regret on my +loss of him. + +This event also created a chasm in our little society, which Mrs. Cole, +on the foot of her usual caution, was in no haste to fill up; but then +it redoubled her attention to procure me, in the advantages of a traffic +for a counterfeit maidenhead, some consolation for the sort of widowhood +I had been left in; and this was a scheme she had never lost prospect +of, and only waited for a proper person to bring it to bear with. + +But I was, it seems, fated to be my own caterer in this, as I had been +in my first trial of the market. + +I had now passed near a month in the enjoyment of all the pleasures of +familiarity and society with my companions, whose particular favourites +(the baronet excepted, who soon after took Harriet home) had all, on the +terms of community established in the house, solicited the gratification +of their taste for variety in my embraces; but I had with the utmost art +and address, on various pretexts, eluded their pursuit, without giving +them cause to complain; and this reserve I used neither out of dislike +of them, nor disgust of the thing, but my true reason was my attachment +to my own, and my tenderness of invading the choice of my companions, +who outwardly exempt, as they seemed, from jealousy, could not but in +secret like me the better for the regard I had for, without making a +merit of it to them. Thus easy, and beloved by the whole family, did I +get on; when one day, that, about five in the afternoon, I stepped over +to a fruit shop in Covent Garden, to pick some table fruit for myself +and the young women, I met with the following adventure. + +Whilst I was chaffering for the fruit I wanted, I observed myself +followed by a young gentleman, whose rich dress first attracted my +notice; for the rest, he had nothing remarkable in his person, except +that he was pale, thin-made, and ventured himself upon legs rather of +the slenderest. Easy was it to perceive, without seeming to perceive +it, that it was me he wanted to be at; and keeping his eyes fixed on +me, till he came to the same basket that I stood at, and cheapening, or +rather giving the first price asked for the fruit, began his approaches. +Now most certainly I was not at all out of figure to pass for a modest +girl. I had neither the feathers, nor fumet of a taudry town-miss: a +straw hat, a white gown, clean linen, and above all, a certain natural +and easy air of modesty (which the appearances of never forsook me, even +on those occasions that I most brouke in upon it, in practice) were all +signs that gave him no opening to conjecture my condition. He spoke to +me; and this address from a stranger throwing a blush into my cheeks, +that still set him wider of the truth, I answered him, with an +awkwardness and confusion the more apt to impose, as there really was +a mixture of the genuine in them. But when proceeding, on the foot of +having broken the ice, to join discourse, he went into other leading +questions, I put so much innocence, simplicity, and even childishness, +into my answers, that on no better foundation, liking my person as he +did, I will not answer for it, he would have been sworn for my modesty. +There is, in short, in the men, when once they are caught, by the eye +especially, a fund of cullibility that their lordly wisdom little dreams +of, and in virtue of which the most sagacious of them are seen so often +our dupes. Amongst other queries he put to me, one was, whether I was +married? I replied, that I was too young to think of that this many a +year. To that of my age, I answered, and sunk a year upon him, passing +myself for not above seventeen. As to my way of life, I told him I had +served an apprenticeship to a milliner in Preston, and was come to town +after a relation, that I had found, on my arrival, was dead, and now +lived journey-woman to a milliner in town. That last article, indeed, +was not much of the side of what I pretended to pass for; but it did +pass, under favour of the growing passion I had inspired him with. After +he had next got out of me, very dexterously as he thought, what I had no +sort of design to make reserve of, my own, my mistress's name, and place +of abode, he loaded me with fruit, all the rarest and dearest he could +pick out and sent me home, pondering on what might be the consequence of +this adventure. + +As soon then as I came to Mrs. Cole's, I related to her all that passed, +on which she very judiciously concluded, that if he did not come after +me there was no harm done, and that, if he did, as her presage suggested +to her he would, his character and his views should be well sifted, so +as to know whether the game was worth the springes; that in the mean +time nothing was easier than my part in it, since no more rested on me +than to follow her cue and promptership throughout, till the last act. + +The next morning, after an evening spent on his side, as we afterwards +learnt, in perquisitions into Mrs. Cole's character in the neighbourhood +(than which nothing could be more favourable to her designs upon him), +my gentleman came in his chariot to the shop, where Mrs. Cole alone +had an inkling of his errand. Asking then for her, he easily made a +beginning of acquaintance by bespeaking some millinery ware; when, as I +sat without lifting my eyes, and pursuing the hem of a ruffle with the +utmost composure and simplicity of industry, Mrs. Cole took notice, that +the first impressions I made on him ran no risk of being destroyed by +those of Louisa and Emily, who were then sitting at work by me. After +vainly endeavouring to catch my eyes in rencounter with him (I held my +head down, affecting a kind of consciousness of guilt for having, by +speaking to him given him encouragement and means of following me), and +after giving Mrs. Cole direction when to bring the things home herself, +and the time he should expect them, he went out, taking with him +some goods, that he paid for liberally, for the better grace of his +introduction. + +The girls all this time did not in the least smoak the mystery of this +new customer; but Mrs. Cole, as soon as we were conveniently alone, +insured me, in virtue of her long experience in these matters, "that +for this bout my charms had not missed fire; for by his eagerness, his +manner and looks, she was sure he had it: the only point now in doubt +was his character and circumstances, which her knowledge of the town +would soon gain her the sufficient acquaintance with, to take measure +upon." + +And effectively, in a few hours, her intelligence served her so well, +that she learned that this conquest of mine was no other than Mr. +Norbert, a gentleman originally of great fortune, which, with a +constitution naturally not the best, he had vastly impaired by his +over-violent pursuit of the vices of the town; in the course of which, +having worn out and staled all the more common modes of debauchery, he +had fallen into a taste of maiden-hunting; in which chase he had ruined +a number of girls, sparing no expense to compass his ends, and generally +using them well till tired, or cooled by enjoying, or springing a new +face, he could with more ease disembarrass himself of the old ones, and +resign them to their fate, as his sphere of achievements of that sort +lay only amongst such as he could proceed with by way of bargain and +sale. + +Concluding from these premises, Mrs. Cole observed, that a character of +this sort was ever a lawful prize; that the sin would be, not to make +the best of our market of him; and that she thought such a girl as I +only too good for him at any rate, and on any terms. + +She went then, at the hour appointed, to his lodgings in one of our inns +of court, which were furnished in a taste of grandeur that had a special +eye to all the conveniences of luxury and pleasure. Here she found him +in ready waiting; and after finishing her business of pretence, and a +long conduit of discussions concerning her trade, which she said was +very bad, the qualities of her servants, apprentices, journey-women, +the discourse naturally landed at length on me, when Mrs. Cole, acting +admirably the good old prating gossip, who lets every thing escape her +when her tongue is set in motion, cooked him up a story so plausible +of me, throwing in every now and then such strokes of art, with all the +simplest air of nature, in praise of my person and temper, as finished +him finely for her purpose, whilst nothing could be better counterfeited +than her innocence of his. But when now fired and on edge, he proceeded +to drop hints of his design and views upon me, after he had with much +confusion and pains brought her to the point (she kept as long aloof +from it as she thought proper) of understanding him, without now +affecting to pass for a dragoness of virtue, by flying out into those +violent and ever suspicious passions, she stuck with the better grace +and effect to the character of a plain, good sort of woman, that knew +no harm, and that getting her bread in an honest way, was made of stuff +easy and flexible enough to be wrought to his ends, by his superior +skill and address; but, however, she managed so artfully that three or +four meetings took place, before he could obtain the least favourable +hope of her assistance; without which, he had, by a number of fruitless +messages, letters, and other direct trials of my disposition, convinced +himself there was no coming at me, all which too raised at once my +character and price with him. + +Regardful, however, of not carrying these difficulties to such a +length as might afford time for starting discoveries, or incidents, +unfavourable to her plan, she at last pretended to be won over by mere +dint of entreaties, promises, and, above all, by the dazzling sum she +took care to wind him up to the specification of, when it was now even a +piece of art to feign, at once, a yielding to the allurements of a great +interest, as a pretext for her yielding at all, and the manner of it +such as might persuade him she had never dipped her virtuous fingers in +an affair of that sort. + +Thus she led him through all the gradations of difficulty, and +obstacles, necessary to enhance the value of the prize he aimed at; and +in conclusion, he was so struck with the little beauty I was mistress +of, and so eagerly bent on gaining his ends of me, that he left her no +room to boast of her management in bringing him up to her mark, he drove +so plump of himself into every thing tending to make him swallow the +bait. Not but, in other respects, Mr. Norbert was not clear sighted +enough, or that he did not perfectly know the town, and even by +experience, the very branch of imposition now in practice upon him: but +we had his passion our friend so much, he was so blinded and hurried on +by it, that he would have thought any undeception a very ill office done +to his pleasure. Thus concurring, even precipitately, to the point she +wanted him at, Mrs. Cole brought him at last to hug himself on the cheap +bargain he considered the purchase of my imaginary jewel was to him, +at no more than three hundred guineas to myself, and a hundred to the +brokers: being a slender recompense for all her pains, and all the +scruples of conscience she had now sacrificed to him for this first time +of her life; which sums were to be paid down on the nail, upon delivery +of my person, exclusive of some no inconsiderable presents that had been +made in the course of the negociation: during which I had occasionally, +but sparingly been introduced into his company, at proper times and +hours; in which it is incredible how little it seemed necessary to +strain my natural disposition to modesty higher, in order to pass it +upon him for that a very maid: all my looks and gestures ever breathing +nothing but that innocence which the men so ardently require in us, for +no other end than to feast themselves with the pleasure of destroying +it, and which they are so grievously, with all their skill, subject to +mistakes in. + +When the articles of the treaty had been fully agreed on, the stipulated +payments duly secured, and nothing now remained but the execution of the +main point, which centered in the surrender of my person up to his free +disposal and use, Mrs. Cole managed her objections, especially to his +lodgings, and insinuations so nicely, that it became his own mere notion +and urgent request, that this copy of a wedding should be finished at +her house: "At first, indeed, she did not care, not she, to have such +doings in it... she would not for a thousand pounds have any of the +servants or apprentices know it... her precious good name would be gone +for ever...," with the like excuses. However, on superior objections to +all other expedients, whilst she took care to start none but those which +were most liable to them it came round at last to the necessity of her +obliging' him in that conveniency, and of doing a little more where she +had already done so much. + +The night then was fixed, with all possible respect to the eagerness +of his impatience, and in the mean time Mrs. Cole had omitted no +instructions, nor even neglected any preparation, that might enable me +to come off with honour, in regard to the appearance of my virginity, +except that, favoured as I was by nature with all the narrowness +of stricture in that part requisite to conduct my designs, I had no +occasion to borrow those auxiliaries of art that create a momentary +one, easily discovered by the test of a warm bath; and as to the usual +sanguinary symptoms of defloration, which, if not always, are generally +attendants on it, Mrs. Cole had made me the mistress of an invention of +her own, which could hardly miss its effect, and of which more in its +place. + +Every thing then being disposed and fixed for Mr. Norbert's reception, +he was, at the hour of eleven at night, with all the mysteries of +silence and secrecy, let in by Mrs. Cole herself, and introduced into +her bedchamber, where, in an old-fashioned bed of her's, I lay, fully +undressed, and panting, if not with the fears of a real maid, at least +with those perhaps greater of a dissembled one which gave me an air of +confusion and bashfulness that maiden-modesty had all the honour of, +and was indeed scarce distinguishable from it, even by less partial eyes +than those of my lover: so let me call him, for I ever thought the term +"cully" too cruel a reproach to the men, for their abused weakness for +us. + +As soon as Mrs. Cole, after the old gossipery, on these occasions, used +to young women abandoned for the first time to the will of man, had +left us alone in her room, which, by the bye was well lighted up, at +his previous desire, that seemed to bode a stricter examination than +he afterwards made, Mr. Norbert, still dressed, sprung towards the bed, +where I got my head under the clothes, and defended them a good while +before he could even get at my lips, to kiss them: so true it is, that a +false virtue, on this occasion, even makes & greater rout and resistance +than a true one. From thence he descended to my breasts, the feel I +disputed tooth and nail with him till tired with my resistance, and +thinking probable to give a better account to me, he hurried his clothes +off in an instant, and came into bed. + +Mean while by the glimpse I stole of him, I could easily discover a +person far from promising any such doughty performances as the storming +of maidenheads generally requires, and whose flimsy consumptive +texture gave him more the air of an invalid that was pressed, than of a +volunteer, on such hot service. + +At scarce thirty he had already reduced his strength of appetite down +to a wretched dependance on forced provocatives, very little seconded +by the natural power of a body jaded, and racked off to the less by +constant repeated over draughts of pleasure, which had done the work of +sixty winters on his springs of live: leaving him at the same time all +the fire and head of youth in his imagination, which served at once to +torment and spur him down the precipice. + +As soon as he was in bed, he threw off the bedclothes, which I suffered +him to force from my hold, and I now lay as exposed as he could wish, +not only to his attacks, but his visitation of the sheets; where in the +various agitations of the body, through my endeavours to defend myself, +he could easily assure himself there was no preparation, though, to do +him justice, he seemed a less strict examinant than I had apprehended +from so experienced a practitioner. My shift then he fairly tore open, +finding I made too much use of it to barricade my breasts, as well as +the more important avenue: yet in every thing else he proceeded with all +the marks of tenderness and regard to me, whilst the art of my play was +to shew none for him, I acted them all the niceties, apprehensions, and +terrors, supposable for a girl perfectly innocent to feel, at so great +a novelty as a naked man in bed with her for the first time. He scarce +even obtained a kiss but what he ravished; I put his hand away twenty +times from my breasts, where he had satisfied himself of their hardness +and consistence, with passing for hitherto unhandled goods. But when +grown impatient upon the main point, he now threw himself upon me, +and first trying to examine me with his finger, sought to make himself +further way, I complained of his usage bitterly: "I thought he would +not have served a body so... I was ruined... I did not know what I had +done..., I would get up, so I would...;" and at the same time kept my +thighs so fast locked, that it was not for strength like his to force +them open, or do any good. Finding thus my advantages, and that I had +both my own and his motions at command, the deceiving him came so easy, +that it was perfectly playing upon velvet. In the mean time his machine, +which was one of those sizes that slip in and out without being minded, +kept pretty stiffly bearing against that part, which the shutting my +thighs barred access to; but finding, at length he could do no good by +mere dint of bodily strength, he resorted to entreaties and arguments: +to which I only answered, with a tone of shame and timidity, "that I +was afraid he would kill me... Lord!..., would not be served so... I was +never so used in all my born days..., I wondered he was not ashamed of +himself, so I did...," with such silly infantine moods of repulse +and complaint as I judged best adapted to express the character of +innocence, and affright. Pretending, however, to yield at length to the +vehemence of his insistence, in action and words, I sparing disclosed my +thighs, so that he could just touch the cloven inlet with the tip of his +instrument: but as he fatigued and toiled to get in, a twist of my body, +so as to receive it obliquely, not only thwarted his admission, but +giving a scream, as if he had pierced me to the heart, I shook him off +me, with such violence that he could not with all his might to it, keep +the saddle: vexed indeed at this he seemed, but not in the style of +displeasure with me for my skittishness; on the contrary, I dare swear +he held me the dearer, and hugged himself for the difficulties that even +hurt his instant pleasure. Fired, however, now beyond all bearance of +delay, he remounts, and begged of me to have patience, stroking and +soothing me to it by all the tenderest endearments and protestations +of what he would moreover do for me; at which, feigning to be somewhat +softened, and abating of the anger that I had shewn at his hurting me so +prodigiously, I suffered him to lay my thighs aside, and make way for a +new trial; but I watched the directions and management of his point so +well, that no sooner was the orifice in the least open to it, but I +gave such a timely jerk as seemed to proceed not from the evasion of his +entry, but from the pain his efforts at it put me to: a circumstance too +that I did not fail to accompany with proper gestures, sighs and cries +of complaint, of which, "that he had hurt me... he killed me... I should +die...," were the most frequent interjections. But now, after repeated +attempts, in which he had not made the least impression towards gaining +his point, at least for that time, the pleasure rose so fast upon him, +that he could not check or delay it, and in the vigour and fury +which the approaches of the height of it inspired him, he made one +fierce-thrust, that had almost put me by my guard, and lodged it so far +that I could feel the warm inspersion just within the exterior orifice, +which I had the cruelty not to let him finish there, but threw him out +again, not without a most piercing loud exclamation, as if the pain had +put me beyond all regard of being overheard. It was then easy to observe +that he was more satisfied, more highly pleased with the supposed +motives of his baulk of consummation, than he would have-been at the +full attainment of it. It was on this foot that I solved to myself all +the falsity I employed to procure him that blissful pleasure in it, +which most certainly he would not have tasted in the truth of things. +Eased, however, and relieved by one discharge, he now applied himself +to sooth, encourage, and to put me into humour and patience to bear his +next attempt, which he began to prepare and gather force for, from +all the incentives of the touch and sight which he could think of, by +examining every individual part of my whole body, which he declared +his satisfaction with, in raptures of applause, kisses universally +imprinted, and sparing no part of me, in all the eagerest wantonness +of feeling, seeing, and toying. His vigour, however, did not return so +soon, and I felt him more than once pushing at the door, but so little +in a condition to break in, that I question whether he had the power +to enter, had I held it ever so open; but this he then thought me too +little acquainted with the nature of things, to have any regret or +confusion about, and he-kept fatiguing himself and me for a long time, +before he was in any state to resume his attacks with any prospect of +success and then I breathed him so warmly, and kept him so at bay, that +before he had made any sensible progress in point of penetration, he was +deliciously sweated, and wearied out indeed: so that it was deep in +the morning before he achieved his second let-go, about half way of +entrance, I all the while crying and complaining of his prodigious +vigour, and the immensity of what I appeared to suffer splitting +up with. Tired, however, at length, with such athletic drudgery, my +champion began now to give out, and to gladly embrace the refreshment of +some rest. Kissing me then with much affection, and recommending me to +my repose, he presently fell fast asleep, which, as soon as I had well +satisfied myself of, I with much composure of body, so as not to wake +him by any motion, with much ease and safety too, played of Mrs. Cole's +device for perfecting the signs of my virginity. In each of the head +bed-posts, just above where the bedsteads are inserted into them, +there was a small drawer, so artfully adapted to the mouldings of the +timber-work, that it might have escaped even the most curious search: +which drawers were easily opened or shut by the touch of a spring, and +were fitted each with a shallow glass tumbler, full of a prepared fluid +blood, in which lay soaked, for ready use, a sponge, that required no +more than gently reaching the hand to it, taking it out and properly +squeezing between the thighs, when it yelded a great deal more of the +red liquid than would save a girl's honour; after which, replacing +it, and touching the spring, all possibility of discovery, or even of +suspicion, was taken away; and this was not the work of the fourth part +of a minute, and of which ever side one lay, the thing was equally easy +and practicable, by the double care taken to have each bed-post provided +alike. True it is, that had he waked and caught me in the act, it would +at least have covered me with shame and confusion; but them, that he did +not, was, with the precautions I took, a risk of a thousand to one in my +favour. + +At ease now, and out of all fear of any doubt or suspicion on his side, +I addressed myself in good earnest to my repose, but could obtain none; +and in about half an hour's time my gentleman waked again, and turning +towards me, I feigned a sound sleep, which he did not long respect; but +girding himself again to renew the onset, he began to kiss and caress +me, when now making as if I just waked, I complained of the disturbance, +and of the cruel pain that this little rest had stole my senses from. +Eager, however, for the pleasure, as well of consummating an entire +triumph over my virginity, he said every thing that could overcome my +resistance, and bribe my patience to the end, which now I was ready to +listen to, from being secure of the bloody proofs I had prepared of his +victorious violence, though I still thought it good policy not to let +him in yet a while. I answered then only to his importunities in sighs +and moans, "that I was so hurt, I could not bear it... I was sure he +had done me a mischief; that he had... he was such a bad man!" At this, +turning down the clothes, and viewing the field of battle by the glimmer +of a dying taper, he saw plainly my thighs, shift, and sheet, all +stained with what he readily took for a virgin effusion, proceeding from +his last half penetration: convinced, and transported at which, nothing +could equal his joy and exultation. The illusion was complete, no other +conception entered his head, but that of his having been at work upon an +unopened mine; which idea, upon so strong an evidence, redoubled at once +his tenderness for me, and his ardour for breaking it wholly up. Kissing +me then with the utmost rapture, he comforted me, and begged my pardon +for the pain he had put me to: observing withal, that it was only a +thing in course; but the worst was certainly past, and that with a +little courage and constancy, I should get it once well over, and never +after experience any thing but the greatest pleasure. By little and +little I suffered myself to be prevailed on, and giving, as it were, up +to the point of him, I made my thighs, insensibly spreading them, yield +him liberty of access, which improving, he got a little within me, when +by a well managed reception I worked the female screw so nicely, that I +kept him from the easy mid-channel direction, and by dexterous wreathing +and contortions, creating an artificial difficulty of entrance, made him +win it inch by inch, with the most laborious struggles, I all the while +sorely complaining: till at length, with might and main, winding his way +in, he got it completely home, and giving my virginity, as he thought, +the coup le grace, furnished me with the cue of setting up a terrible +outcry, whilst he, triumphant and like a cock clapping his wings over +his down-trod mistress, pursued his pleasure: which presently rose, in +virtue of this idea of a complete victory, to a pitch that made me +soon sensible of his melting period; whilst I now lay acting the deep +wounded, breathless, frightened, undone, no longer maid. + +You would ask me, perhaps, whether all this time I enjoyed any +perception of pleasure? I assure you, little or none, till just towards +the latter end, a faintish sense of it came on mechanically, from so +long a struggle and frequent fret in that ever sensible part; but, +in the first place, I had no taste for the person I was suffering the +embraces of, on a pure mercenary account; and then, I was not entirely +delighted with myself for the jade's part I was playing, whatever +excuses I might plead for my being brought into it; but then this +insensibility kept me so much the mistress of my mind and motions, that +I could the better manage so close a counterfeit, through the whole +scene of deception. + +Recovered at length to a more shew of life, by his tender condolences, +kisses and embraces, I upbraided him, and reproached him with my ruin, +in such natural terms, as added to his satisfaction with himself, for +having accomplished it; and guessing, by certain observations of mine, +that it would be rather favourable to him, to spare him, when he some +time after, feebly enough, came on again to the assault, I resolutely +withstood any further endeavours, on a pretext that flattered his +prowess, of my being so violently hurt and sore, that I could not +possibly endure a fresh trial. He then graciously granted me a respite, +and the next morning soon after advancing, I got rid of further +importunity, till Mrs. Cole, being rung for by him, came in and was made +acquainted, in terms of the utmost joy and rapture, with his triumphant +certainty of my virtue, and the finishing stroke he had given it, in the +course of the night: of which, he added, she would see proof enough in +bloody characters, on the sheets. + +You may guess how a woman of her turn of address and experience humoured +the jest, and played him off with mixed exclamations of shame, danger, +compassion for me, and of her being pleased that all was so well over: +in which last, I believe, she was certainly sincere. And now, as the +objection which she had represented as an invincible one, to me lying +the first night at his lodgings (which were studiously calculated for +freedom of intrigues), on the account of my maiden fears and terrors, at +the thought of going to a gentleman's chambers, and being alone with him +in bed, was surmounted, she pretended to persuade me, in favour to him, +that I should go there to him, whenever he pleased, and still keep up +all the necessary appearances of working with her, that I might not +lose, with my character, the prospect of getting a good husband, and +at the same time her house would be kept safer from scandal. All this +seemed so reasonable, so considerate to Mr. Norbert, that he never once +perceived that she did not want him to resort to her house, lest he +might in time discover certain inconsistencies with the character she +had set out with to him: besides that this plan greatly flattered his +own ease, and views of liberty. + +Leaving me then to my much wanted rest, he got up, and Mrs. Cole, after +settling with him all points relating to me, got him undiscovered out +of the house. After which, as I was awake, she came in, and gave me +due praises for my success. Behaving too with her usual moderation and +disinterestedness, she refused any share of the sum I had thus earned, +and put me into such a secure and easy way of disposing of my affairs, +which now amounted to a kind of little fortune, that a child of ten +years old might have kept the account and property of them safe in its +hands. + +I was now restored again to my former state of a kept mistress, and used +punctually to wait on Mr. Norbert at his chambers whenever he sent a +messenger for me, which I constantly took care to be in the way of, and +managed with so much caution, that he never once penetrated the nature +of my connections with Mrs. Cole; but indolently given up to ease and +the town dissipations, the perpetual hurry of them hindered him from +looking into his own affairs, much less to mine. + +In the mean time, if I may judge from my own experience, none are better +paid, or better treated, during their reign, than the mistress of those +who, enervate by nature, debaucheries, or age, have the least employment +for the sex: sensible that a woman must be satisfied some way, they +ply her with a thousand little tender attentions, presents, caresses, +confidences, and exhaust their inventions in means and devices to make +up for the capital deficiency; and even towards lessening that, what +arts, what modes, what refinements of pleasure have they not recourse +to, to raise their languid powers, and press nature into the service of +their sensuality? But here is their misfortune, that when by a course of +teasing, worrying, handling, wanton postures, lascivious motions, they +have at length accomplished a flashy enervate enjoyment, they at the +same time light up a flame in the object of their passion, that, not +having the means themselves to quench, drives her for relief into the +next person's arms, who can finish their work; and thus they become +bawds to some favourite, tried and approved of, for a more vigorous and +satisfactory execution; for with women, of our turn especially, however +well our hearts may be disposed, there is a controlling part, or +queen-seat in us, that governs itself by its own maxims of state, +amongst which not one is stronger, in practice with it, than, in the +matter of is dues, never to accept the will for the deed. + +Mr. Norbert, who was much in this ungracious case, though he professed +to like me extremely, could but seldom consummate the main-joy itself +with me, without such a length and variety of preparations, as were at +once wearisome and inflammatory. + +Sometimes he would strip me stark naked on a carpet, by a good fire, +when he would contemplate me almost by the hour, disposing me in all the +figures and attitudes of body that it was susceptible of being viewed in; +kissing me in every part, the most secret and critical one so far +from excepted that it received most of that branch of homage. Then +his touches were so exquisitely wanton, so luxuriously diffused +and penetrative at times, that he had made me perfectly rage with +titillating fires, when, after all, and much ado, he had gained a +short-lived erection, he would perhaps melt it away in a washy sweat, or +a premature abortive effusion, that provokingly mocked my eager desires: +or, if carried home, how faultered and unnervous the execution! how +insufficient the sprinkle of a few heat-drops to extinguish all the +flames he had kindled! + +One evening, I cannot help remembering, that returning home from him, +with a spirit he had raised in a circle his wand had proved too weak +to lay, as I turned the corner of a street, I was overtaken by a young +sailor, I was then in that spruce, neat, plain dress, which I +ever affected and perhaps might have, in my trip, a certain air of +restlessness unknown to the composure of cooler thoughts. However, he +seized me as a prize, and without farther ceremony threw his arms round +my neck, and kissed me boisterously and sweetly. I looked at him with a +beginning of anger and indignation at his rudeness, that softened away +into other sentiments as I viewed him: for he was tall, manly carriaged, +handsome of body and face, so that I ended my stare, with asking him, +in a tone turned to tenderness, what he meant; at which, with the same +frankness and vivacity as he had begun with me, he proposed treating me +with a glass of wine. Now, certain it is, that had I been in a calmer +state of blood than I was, had I not been under the dominion of +unappeased irritation; but I do not know how it was, my pressing calls, +his figure, the occasion, and if you will, the powerful combination of +all these, with a start of curiosity to see the end of an adventure, so +novel too as being treated like a common street-plyer, made me give +a silent consent; in short, it was not my head that I now obeyed, I +suffered myself to be towed along as it were by this man-of-war, +who took me under his arm as familialry as if he had known me all his +lifetime, and led me into the next convenient tavern, where we were +shown into a little room on one side of the passage. Here, scarce +allowing himself patient till the drawer brought in the wine called +for, he fell directly on board me: when, untucking my handkerchief, and +giving me a snatching buss, he laid my breasts bare at once, which he +handled with that keenness of gust that abridges a ceremonial evermore +tiresome than pleasing on such pressing occasions; and now, hurrying +towards the main point, we found no conveniency to our purpose, two +or three disabled chairs, and a rickety table, composing the whole +furniture of the room. Without more ado, he plans me with my back +standing against the wall, and my petticoats up; and coming out with +a splitter indeed, made it shine, as he brandished it, in my eyes; and +going to work with an impetuosity and eagerness, bred very likely by +a long fast at seat, went to give me a taste of it. I straddled, I +humoured my posture, and did my best in short to buckle to it; I took +part of it in, but still things did not go to his thorough liking; +changing them in a trice his system of battery, he leads me to the table +and with a master-hand lays my head down on the edge of it, and, with +the other canting up my petticoats and shift, bares my naked posteriors +to his blind and furious guide; it forces its way between them, and I +feeling pretty sensibly that it was not going by the right door, and +knocking desperately at the wrong one, I told him of it:--"Pooh!" says +he, "my dear, any port in a storm." Altering, however, directly his +course, and lowering his point, he fixed it right, and driving it up +with a delicious stiffness, made all foam again, and gave me the tout +with such fire and spirit, that in the fine disposition I was in when I +submitted to him and stirred up so fiercely as I was, I got the start of +him, and went away into the melting swoon, and squeezing him, whilst in +the convulsive grasp of it, drew from him such a plenteous bedewal, as +pointed to my own effusion, perfectly floated those parts, and drowned +in a deluge all my raging conflagration of desire. + +When this was over, how to make my retreat was my concern; for, though +I had been so extremely pleased with the difficult between this warm +broadside, poured so briskly into me, and the tiresome pawing and toying +to which I had owed the unappeased flames that had driven me into this +step, now I was cooler, I began to apprehend the danger of contracting +an acquaintance with this, however agreeable stranger; who, on his side, +spoke of passing the evening with me and continuing our intimacy, with +an air of determination that made me afraid of its being not so easy +to get away from him as I could wish. In the mean time I carefully +concealed my uneasiness, and readily pretended to consent to stay with +him, telling him I should only step to my lodgings to leave a necessary +direction, and then instantly return. This he very glibly swallowed, on +the notion of my being one of those unhappy street-errants, who devote +themselves to the pleasure of the first ruffian that will stoop to pick +them up, and of course, that I would scarce bilk myself of the hire, +by not returning make the most of the job. Thus he parted with me, not +before, however, he had ordered in my hearing a supper, which I had the +barbarity to disappoint him of my company too. + +But when I got home, and told Mrs. Cole my adventure, she represented +so strongly to me the nature and dangerous consequences of my folly, +particularly the risks to my health, in being so openlegged and free, +that I not only took resolutions never to venture so rashly again, +which I inviolably preserved, but passed a good many days in continual +uneasiness, lest I should have met with other reasons, besides the +pleasure of that rencounter, to remember it; but these fears wronged my +pretty sailor, for which I gladly make him this reparation. + +I had now lived with Mr. Norbert near a quarter of a year, in which +space I circulated my time very pleasantly, between my amusements at +Mrs. Cole's, and a proper attendance on that gentleman, who paid me +profusely for the unlimited complaisance with which I passively humoured +every caprice of pleasure, and which had won upon him so greatly, that +finding, as he said, all that variety in me alone, which he had sought +for in a number of women, I had made him lose his taste for inconstancy, +and new faces. But what was yet at least agreeable, as well as more +nattering, the love I had inspired him with, bred a deference to me, +that was of great service to his health: for having by degrees, and with +much pathetic representations brought him to some husbandry of it, and +to insure the duration of his pleasures by moderating their use, and +correcting those excesses in them he was so addicted to, and which had +shattered his constitution and destroyed his powers of life in the very +point for which he seemed desirous to live, he was grown more delicate, +more temperate, and in course more healthy; his gratitude for which was +taking a turn very favourable for my fortune, when once more the caprice +of it dashed the cup from my lips. + +His sister, lady L..., for whom he had a great affection, desiring him +to accompany her down to Bath for her health, he could not refuse her +such a favour; and accordingly, though he counted on staying away from +me no more than a week at farthest, he took his leave of me with an +ominous heaviness of heart, and left me a sum far above the state of +his fortune, and very inconsistent with the intended shortness of his +journey; but it ended in the longest that can be, and is never but once +taken: for, arrived at Bath, he was not there two days before he fell +into a debauch of drinking with some gentlemen, that threw him into a +high fever, and carried him off in four days' time, never once out of +a delirium. Had he been in his senses to make a will, perhaps he might +have made favourable mention of me in it. Thus, however, I lost him; and +as no condition of life is more subject to revolutions than that of +a woman of pleasure, I soon recovered my cheerfulness, and now beheld +myself once more struck off the list of kept mistresses, and returned +into the bosom of the community, from which I had been in some manner +taken. + +Mrs. Cole still continued her friendship, and offered me her assistance +and advice towards another choice; but I was now in ease and affluence +enough to look about me at leisure; and as to any constitutional calls +of pleasure, their pressure, or sensibility, was greatly lessened by a +consciousness of the east with which they were to be satisfied at Mrs. +Cole's house, where Louisa and Emily still continued in the old way; and +my great favourite Harriet used often to come and see me, and entertain +me, with her head and heart full of the happiness she enjoyed with +her dear baronet, whom she loved with a tenderness and constancy, +even though he was her keeper, and what is yet more, had made her +independent, by a handsome provision for her and hers. I was then in +this vacancy from any regular employ of my person in my way of business, +when one day, Mrs. Cole, in the course of the constant confidence we +lived in, acquainted me that there was one Mr. Barville, who used her +house, just come to town, whom she was not a little perplexed about +providing a suitable companion for; which was indeed a point of +difficulty, as he was under the tyranny of a cruel taste: that of an +ardent desire, not only of being unmercifully whipped himself, but of +whipping others, in such sort, that though he paid extravagantly those +who had the courage and complaisance to submit to his humour, there +were few, delicate as he was in the choice of his subjects, who would +exchange turns with him so terribly at the expense of their skin. But, +what yet increased the oddity of this strange fancy was the gentleman +being young; whereas it generally attacks, it seems, such as are, +through age, obliged to have recourse to this experiment, for quickening +the circulation of their sluggish juices, and determining a conflux of +the spirits of pleasure towards those flagging shrivelly parts, that +rise to life only by virtue of those titillating ardours created by +the discipline of their opposites, with which they have so surprising a +consent. + +This Mrs. Cole could not well acquaint me with, in any expectation of +my offering for service: for, sufficiently easy as I was in my +circumstances, it must have been the temptation of an immense interest +indeed, that could have induced me to embrace such a job, neither had I +ever expressed, nor indeed, felt the least impulse or curiosity to know +more of a taste, that promised so much more pain than pleasure to those +that stood in no need of such violent goads: what then should move me +to subscribe myself voluntarily to a party of pain, foreknowing it such? +Why, to tell the plain truth, it was a sudden caprice, a gust of fancy +for trying a new experiment, mixed with the vanity of approving my +personal courage to Mrs. Cole, that determined me, at all risks, +to propose myself to her and relieve her from any farther lookout. +Accordingly, I at once pleased and surprised her, with a frank and +unreserved tender of my person to her and her friend's absolute disposal +on this occasion. + +My good temporal mother was, however, so kind as to use all the +arguments she could imagine to dissuade me: but, as I found they only +turned on a motive of tenderness to me, I persisted in my resolution, +and thereby acquitted my offer of any suspicion of its not having been +sincerely made, or out of compliment only. Acquiescing then thankfully +in it, Mrs. Cole assured me "that bating the pain I should be put to, +she had no scruple to engage me to this party, which she assured me I +should be liberally paid for, and which, the secrecy of the transaction +preserved safe from the ridicule that otherwise vulgarly attended it; +that for her part, she considered pleasure, of one sort or other, as the +universal port of destination, and every wind that blew thither a good +one, provided it blew nobody any harm; that she rather compassionated, +than blamed those unhappy persons, who are under a subjection they +cannot shake off, to those arbitrary tastes that rule their appetites +of pleasures with an unaccountable control: tastes too, as infinitely +diversified, as superior to, and independent of all reasoning as the +different relishes or palates of mankind in their viands, some +delicate stomach nauseating plain meats, and finding no savour but in +highseasoned, luxurious dishes, whilst others again pique themselves +upon detesting them." + +I stood now in no need of this preamble of encouragement, or +justification: my word was given, and I was determined to fulfill my +engagements. Accordingly the night was set, and I had all the necessary +previous instructions how to act and conduct myself. The dining room was +duly prepared and lighted up, and the young; gentleman posted there in +waiting, for my introduction to him. + +I was then, by Mrs. Cole, brought in, and presented to him, in a loose +dishabille fitted, by her direction, to the exercise I was to go +through, all in the finest linen and a thorough white uniform: +gown, petticoat, stocking, and satin slippers, like a victim led to +sacrifice; whilst my dark auburn hair, falling in drop-curls over my +neck, created a pleasing distinction of colour from the rest of my +dress. + +As soon as Mr. Barville saw me, he got up, with a visible air of +pleasure and surprise, and saluting me, asked Mrs. Cole, if so fine +and delicate a creature would voluntarily submit to such sufferings +and rigours, as were the subject of his assignation. She answered him +properly, and now, reading in his eyes that she could not too soon leave +us together, she went out, after recommending to him to use moderation +with so tender a novice. + +But whilst she was employing his attention, mine had been taken up with +examining the figure and person of this unhappy young gentleman, who was +thus unaccountably condemned to have his pleasure lashed into him, as +boys have their learning. + +He was exceedingly fair, and, smooth complexioned, and appeared to me no +more than twenty at most, though he was three years older than what +my conjectures gave him; but then he owed this favourable mistake to +a habit of fatness, which spread through a short, squab stature; and +a round, plump, fresh coloured face gave him greatly the look of +a Bacchus, had not an air of austerity, not to say sternness, very +unsuitable even to his shape of face, dashed that character of joy, +necessary to complete the resemblance. His dress was extremely neat, but +plain, and far inferior to the ample fortune he was in full possession +of; this too was a taste in him, and not avarice. + +As soon as Mrs. Cole was gone, he seated me near him, when now his face +changed upon me, into an expression of the most pleasing sweetness and +good humour, the most remarkable for its sudden shift from the other +extreme, which I found afterwards, when I knew more of his character, +was owing to a habitual state of conflict with, and dislike of +himself, for being enslaved to so peculiar a lust, by the fatality of a +constitutional ascendant, that rendered him incapable of receiving any +pleasure, till he submitted to these extraordinary means of procuring +it at the hands of pain, whilst the constancy of this repining +consciousness stamped at length that cast of sourness and severity on +his features: which was, in fact, very foreign to the natural sweetness +of his temper. + +After a competent preparation by apologies, and encouragement to go +through my part with spirit and constancy, he stood up near the fire, +whilst I went to fetch the instruments of discipline out of a closet +hard by: these were several rods, made each of two or three strong twigs +of birch tied together, which he took, handled, and viewed with as much +pleasure, as I did with a kind of shuddering presage. + +Next we took from the side of the room a long broad bench, made easy to +lie at length on by a soft cushion in a callico-cover; and everything +being now ready, he took his coat and waistcoat off; and at his motion +and desire, I unbuttoned his breeches, and rolling up his shirt rather +above his waist, tucked it on securely there; when directing naturally +my eyes to that humoursone master-movement, in whose favaur all these +dispositions were making, it seemed almost shrunk into his body, scarce +showing its tip above the sprout of hairy curls that clothed those +parts, as you may have-seen a wren peeping its head out of the grass. + +Stooping them to untie his garters, he gave them to me for the use +of tying him down to the legs of the bench: a circumstance no farther +necessary than, as I suppose, it made part of the humour of the thing, +since he prescribed it to himself, amongst the rest of the ceremonial. + +I led him then to the bench, and according to my cue, played at forcing +him to lie down: which, after-some little show of reluctance, for +form-sake, he submitted to; he was straightway extended flat upon his: +belly, on the bench, with a pillow under his face; and as he thus tamely +lay, I tied him slightly hand and feet, to the legs of it; which done, +his shirt remaining-trussed up over the small of his back, I drew his +breeches quite down to his knees; and now he lay, in all the fairest, +broadest display of that part of the back-view; in which a pair of +chubby, smooth-cheeked and passing white posteriors rose cushioning +upwards from two stout, fleshful thighs, and ending their cleft, or +separation by an union at the small of the back, presented a bold mark, +that swelled, as it were, to meet the scourge. + +Seizing now one of the rods, I stood over him, and according to his +direction, gave him in one breath, ten lashes with much good-will, and +the utmost nerve and vigour of arm that I could put to them, so as to +make those fleshy orbs quiver again under them; whilst he himself seemed +no more concerned, or to mind them, than a lobster would a flea-bite. In +the mean time, I view intently the effect of them, which to me at last +appeared surprisingly cruel: every lash had skimmed the surface of those +white cliffs, which they deeply reddened, and lapping round the side +of the furthermost from me, cut specially, into the dimple of it, such +livid weals, as the blood either spun out from, or stood in large drops +on; and, from some of the cuts, I picked out even the splinters of the +rod that had stuck in the skin. Nor was this raw work to be wondered +at, considering the greenness of the twigs and the severity of the +infliction, whilst the whole surface of the skin was so smooth-stretched +over the hard and firm pulp of flesh that filled it, as to yield no +play, or elusive swagging under the stroke: which thereby took place the +more plump, and cut into the quick. + +I was however already so moved at the piteous sight, that I from my +heart repented the undertaking, and would willing had given over, +thinking he had full enough; but, he encouraging and beseeching me +earnestly to proceed, I gave him ten more lashes; and then resting, +surveyed the increase of bloody appearances. And at length, steeled to +the height, by his stoutness in suffering, I continued the discipline, +by intervals, till I observed him wreathing and twisting his body, in +a way that I could plainly perceive was not the effect of pain, but of +some new and powerful sensation: curious to dive into the meaning of +which, in one of my pauses of intermission, I approached, as he still +kept working, and grinding his belly against the cushion under him: and +first stroking the untouched and unhurt side of the flesh-mount next me, +then softly insinuating my hand under his thigh, felt the posture things +were in forwards, which was indeed surprising: for that machine of him, +which I had, by its appearance, taken for an impalpable, or at least a +very diminutive subject, was now, in virtue of all that smart and +havoc of his skin behind, grown not only to a prodigious stiffness of +erection, but to a size that frighted even me: a non-pareil thickness +indeed! the head of it alone filled the utmost capacity of my grasp. +And when, as he heaved and wriggled to and fro, in the agitation of his +strange pleasure, it came into view, it had something of the air of a +round fillet of veal, and like its owner, squab, and short in proportion +to its breadth; but when he felt my hand there, he begged I would go on +briskly with my jerking, or he should never arrive at the last stage of +pleasure. + +Resuming then the rode and the exercise of it, I had fairly worn out +three bundles, when, after an increase of struggles and motion, and a +deep sigh or two, I saw him lie still and motionless; and now he desired +me to desist, which I instantly did; and proceeding to untie him, I +could not but be amazed at his passive fortitude, on viewing the skin of +his butchered, mangled posteriors, late so white, smooth and polished, +now all one side of them a confused cut-work of weals, livid flesh, +gashes and gore, insomuch that when he stood up, he could scarce walk; +in short, he was in sweet-briars. + +Then I plainly perceived, on the cushion, the marks of a plenteous +effusion, and already had his sluggard member run up to its old +nestling-place, and enforced itself again, as if ashamed to shew its +head; which nothing, it seems, could raise but stripes inflicted on its +opposite neighbours, who were thus constantly obliged to suffer for his +caprice. + +My gentleman had now put on his clothes and recomposed himself, when +giving me a kiss, and placing me by him, he sat himself down as gingerly +as possible, with one side off the cushion, which was too sore for him +to bear resting any part of his weight on. + +Here he thanked me for the extreme pleasure I had procured him, and +seeing, perhaps, some marks in my countenance of terror and apprehension +of retaliation on my own skin, for what I had been the instrument of +his suffering in his, he assured me, "he was ready to give up to me any +engagement I might deem myself under to stand him, as he had done me, +but that if I proceeding in my consent to it, he would consider the +difference of my sex, its greater delicacy and incapacity to undergo +pain." Reheartened at which, and piqued in honour, as I thought, not +to flinch so near the trial, especially as I well knew Mrs. Cole was an +eye-witness, from her stand of espial, to the whole of our transaction, +I was now less afraid of my skin, than of his not furnishing me with an +opportunity of signalizing my resolution. + +Consonant to this disposition was my answer, but my courage was still +more in my head, than in my heart; and as cowards rush into danger they +fear, in order to be the sooner rid of the pain of that sensation, I +was entirely pleased with his hastening matters into execution. + +He had then little to do, but to unloose the strings of my petticoats, +and lift them, together with my shift, navel-high, where he just tucked +them up loosely, and might be slipt up higher at pleasure. Then viewing +me round with great seeming delight, he laid me at length on my face +upon the bench, and when I expected he would tie me, as I had done him, +and held out my hands, not without fear and a little trembling, he +told me, "he would by no means terrify me unnecessarily with such a +confinement; for that though he meant to put my constancy to a trial, +the standing it was to be completely voluntary on my side, and therefore +I might be at full liberty to get up whenever I found the pain too much +for me." You cannot imagine how much I thought myself bound, by being +thus allowed to remain loose, and how much spirit this confidence in +me gave me, so that I was even from my heart careless how much my flesh +might suffer in honour of it. + +All my back parts, naked half way up, were now fully at his mercy: and +first, he stood at a convenient distance, delighting himself with a +gloating survey of the attitude I lay in, and of all the secret stores I +thus exposed to him in fair display. Then, springing eagerly towards me, +he covered all those naked parts with a fond profusion of kisses; +and now, taking hold of the rod, rather wantoned with me, in gentle +inflictions on those tender trembling masses of my flesh behind, than in +any way hurt them, till by degrees, he began to tingle them with smarter +lashes, so as to provoke a red colour into them, which I knew, as +well by the flagrant glow I felt there, as by his telling me, they now +emulated the native roses of my other cheeks. When he had thus amused +himself with admiring, and toying with them, he went on to strike +harder, and more hard, so that I needed all my patience not to cry out, +or complain at least. At last, he twigged me so smartly as to fetch +blood in more than one lash: at sight of which he flung down the rod, +flew to me, kissed away the starting drops, and sucking the wounds eased +a good deal of my pain. But now raising me on my knees, and making me +kneel with them straddling wide, that tender part of me, naturally the +province of pleasure, not of pain, came in for its share of suffering: +for now, eyeing it wistfully, he directed the rod so that the sharp ends +of the twigs lighted there, so sensibly, that I could not help wincing, +and writhing my limbs with smart; so that my contortions of body must +necessarily throw it into infinite variety of postures and points of +view, fit to feast the luxury of the eye. But still I bore every thing +without crying out: when presently giving me another pause, he rushed, +as it were, on that part whose lips, and round about, had felt this +cruelty, and by way of reparation, glued his own to them; then he +opened, shut, squeezed them, plucked softly the overgrowing moss, and +all this in a style of wild passionate rapture and enthusiasm, that +expressed excess of pleasure; till betaking himself to the rod again, +encouraged by my passiveness, and infuriated with this strange taste of +delight, he made my poor posteriors pay for the ungovernableness of it; +for now showing them no quarter, the traitor cut me so, that I wanted +but little of fainting away, when he gave over. And yet I did not utter +one groan, or angry expostulation; but in my heart I resolved nothing so +seriously, as never to expose myself again to the like severities. + +You may guess then in what a curious pickle those soft flesh-cushions of +mine were, all so red, raw, and in fine, terribly clawed off; but so far +from feeling any pleasure in it, that the recent smart made me pout +a little, and not with the greatest air of satisfaction receive the +compliments, and after-caresses of the author of my pain. + +As soon as my clothes were huddled on in a little decency, a supper was +brought in by the discreet Mrs. Cole herself, which might have piqued +the sensuality of a cardinal, accompanied with a choice of the richest +wines: all which she set before us, and went out again, without having, +by a word or even by a smile, given us the least interruption or +confusion, in those moments of secrecy, that we were not yet ripe to the +admission of a third too. + +I sat down then, still scarce in charity with my butcher, for such I +could not help considering him, and was moreover not a little piqued +at the gay, satisfied air of his countenance, which I thought myself +insulted by. But when the now necessary refreshment to me of a glass of +wine, and a little eating (all the time observing a profound silence) +had somewhat cheered and restored me to spirits, and as the smart began +to go off, my good humour returned accordingly: which alteration not +escaping him, he said and did every thing that could confirm me in, and +indeed exalt it. + +But scarce was supper well over, before a change so incredible was +wrought in me, such violent, yet pleasingly irksome sensations took +possession of me that I scarce knew how to contain myself; the smart +of the lashes was now converted into such a prickly heat, such fiery +tinglings, as made me sigh, squeeze my thighs together, shift and +wriggle about my seat, with a furious restlessness; whilst these itching +ardours, thus excited in those parts on which the storm of discipline +had principally fallen, detached legions of burning, subtile, +stimulating spirits, to their opposite spot and centre of assemblage, +where their titillation raged so furiously, that I was even stinging +made with them. No wonder then that in such a taking, and devoured by +flames that licked up all modesty and reserve, my eyes, now charged +brimful of the most intense desire, fired on my companion very +intelligible signal of distress: my companion, I say, who grew in them +every instant more amiable, and more necessary to my urgent wishes and +hopes of immediate ease. + +Mr. Barville, no stranger, by experience, to these situations, soon knew +the pass I was brought to soon perceived my extreme disorder; in favour +of which, removing the table out of the way, he began a prelude that +flattered me with instant relief, to which I was not, however, so near +as I imagined: for as he was unbuttoned to me, and tried to provoke and +rouse to action his unactive torpid machine, he blushingly owned that no +good was to be expected from it, unless I took it in hand to re-excite +its languid loitering powers, by just refreshing the smart of the yet +recent blood-raw cuts, seeing it could, no more than a boy's top, keep +up without lashing. Sensible then that I should work as much for my own +profit as his, I hurried my compliance with his desire, and abridging +the ceremonial, whilst he leaned his head against the back of a chair, I +had scarce gently made him feel the lash, before I saw the object of my +wishes give signs of life, and presently, as it were with a magic touch, +is started up into a noble size and distinction indeed. Hastening then +to give me the benefit of it, he threw me down on the bench; but such +was the refreshed soreness of those parts behind, on my leaning so hard +on them, as became me to compass the admission of that stupendous head +of his machine, that I could not possibly bear it. I got up then, and +tried, by leaning forwards, and turning the crupper on my assailant, to +let him at the back avenue: but here it was likewise impossible to stand +his bearing so fiercely against me, in his agitations and endeavours to +enter that way, whilst his belly battered directly against the recent +sore. What should we do now? both intolerably heated: both in a fury; +but pleasure is ever inventive for its own ends: he strips me in a trice +stark naked, and placing a broad settee-cushion on the carpet before the +fire, oversets me gently, topsy turvy, on it; and handling me only +at the waist, whilst you may be sure I favoured all my dispositions, +brought my legs round his neck; so that my head was kept from the floor +only by my hands and the velvet cushion, which was now bespread with +my flowing hair: thus I stood on my head and hands, supported by him in +such manner, that whilst my thighs clung round him, so as to expose +to his sight all my back figure, including the theatre of his bloody +pleasure, the centre of my fore pair fairly bearded the ob-jest of its +rage, that now stood in fine condition to give me satisfaction for the +injuries of its neighbours. But as this posture was certainly not the +easiest, and our imaginations, wound up to the height, could suffer no +delay, he first, with the utmost eagerness and effort, just lip-lodged +that broad acorn-fashioned head of his instrument; and still befriended +by the fury with which he had made that impression, he soon stuffed +in the rest; when now, with a pursuit of thrusts, fiercely urged, he +absolutely overpowered and absorbed all sense of pain and uneasiness, +whether from my wounds behind, my most untoward posture, or the oversize +of his stretcher, in an infinitely predominant delight; when now all +my whole spirits of life and sensation rushing, impetuously to +the cock-pit, where the prize of pleasure was hotly in dispute and +clustering to a point there, I soon received the dear relief of nature +from these over-violent strains and provocations of it; harmonizing with +which, my gallant spouted into me such a potent overflow of the balsamic +injection, as softened and unedged all those irritating stings of a new +species of titillation, which I had been so intolerably maddened with, +and restored the ferment of my senses to some degree of composure. + +I had now achieved this rare adventure ultimately much more to my +satisfaction than I had bespoken the nature of it to turn out; nor +was it much lessened, you may think, by spark's lavish praises of my +constancy and complaisance, which he gave weight to by a present that +greatly surpassed my utmost expectation, besides his gratification to +Mrs. Cole. + +I was not, however, at any time re-enticed to renew with him, or resort +again to the violent expedient of lashing nature into more haste than +good speed: which, by the way, I conceive acts somewhat in the manner +of a dose of Spanish flies; with more pain perhaps, but less danger; +and might be necessary to him, but was nothing less so than to me, whose +appetite wanted the bridle more than the spur. + +Mrs. Cole, to whom this adventurous exploit had more and more endeared +me, looked on me now as a girl after her own heart, afraid of nothing, +and, on a good account, hardly enough to fight all the weapons of +pleasure through. Attentive then, in consequence of these favourable +conceptions, to promote either my profit or pleasure, she had special +regard for the first, in a new gallant of a very singular turn, that she +procured for and introduced to me. + +This was a grave staid, solemn, elderly gentleman, whose peculiar humour +was a delight in combing fine tresses of hair; and as I was perfectly +headed to his taste, he used to come constantly at my toilet hours, when +I let down my hair as loose as nature, and abandoned it to him to do +what he pleased with it; and accordingly he would keep me an hour or +more in play with it, drawing the comb through it, winding the curls +round his fingers, even kissing it as he smoothed it; and all this led +to no other use of my person, or any other liberties whatever, any more +than if a distinction of sexes had not existed. + +Another peculiarity of taste he had, which was to present me with a +dozen pairs of the whitest kid gloves at a time: these he would divert +himself with drawing on me, and then biting off their finger ends; +all which fooleries of a silly appetite, the old gentleman paid more +liberally for, than most others did for more essential favours. This +lasted till a violent cough, seizing and laying him up, delivered me +from this most innocent and insipid trifler, for I never heard more of +him after his first retreat. + +You may be sure a by-jod of this sort interfered with no other pursuit, +or plan of life; which I led, in truth, with a modesty and reserve +that was less the work of virtue than of exhausted novelty, a glut +of pleasure, and easy circumstances, that made me indifferent to any +engagements in which pleasure and profit were not eminently united; and +such I could, with the less impatience, wait for at the hands of time +and fortune, as I was satisfied I could never mend my pennyworths, +having evidently been served at the top of the market, and even +been pampered with dainties: besides that, in the sacrifice of a few +momentary impulses, I found a secret satisfaction in respecting myself, +as well as preserving the life and freshness of my complexion. Louisa +and Emily did not carry indeed their reserve so high as I did; but still +they were far from cheap or abandoned, though two of their adventures +seemed to contradict this general character, which, for their +singularity, I shall give you in course, beginning first with Emily's: + +Louisa and she went one night to a ball, the first in the habit of a +shepherdess, Emily in that of a shepherd: I saw them in their dresses +before they went, and nothing in nature could represent a prettier +boy than this last did, being so fair and well limbed. They had kept +together for some time, when Louisa, meeting an old acquaintance of +hers, very cordially gives her companion the slip, and leaves her +under the protection of her boy's habit, which was not much, and of +her discretion, which was, it seems, still less. Emily, finding herself +deserted, sauntered thoughtless about a while, and, as much for coolness +and air as any thing else, at length pulled off her mask and went to the +sideboard; where, eyed and marked out by a gentleman in a very handsome +domino, she was accosted by, and fell into chat with him. The domino, +after a little discourse, in which Emily doubtless distinguished her +good nature and easiness more than her wit, began to make violent love +to her, and drawing her insensibly to some benches at the lower end of +the masquerade room, got her to sit by him, where he squeezed her hands, +pinched her cheeks, praised and played with her fine hair, admired +her complexion, and all in a style of courtship dashed with a certain +oddity, that not comprehending the mystery of, poor Emily attributed to +his falling in with the humour of her disguise; and being naturally not +the cruellest of her profession, began to incline to a parley on those +essentials. But here was the stress of the joke: he took her really +for what she appeared to be, a smock-faced boy; and she, forgetting her +dress, and of course ranging quite wide of his ideas, took all those +address to be paid to herself as a woman, which she precisely owed to +his not thinking her one. However, this double error was pushed to +such a height on both sides, that Emily, who saw nothing in him but a +gentleman of distinction by those points of dress to which his disguise +did not extend, warmed too by the wine he had plyed her with, and the +caresses he had lavished upon her, suffered herself to be persuaded to +go to a bagnio with him; and thus, losing sight of Mrs. Cole's cautions, +with a blind confidence, put herself into his hands, to be carried +wherever he pleased. For his part, equally blinded by his wishes, whilst +here gregious simplicity favoured his deception more than the most +exquisite art could have done, he supposed, no doubt, that he had +lighted on some soft simpleton, fit for his; purpose, or some kept +minion broken to his hand, who understood him perfectly well, and +entered into his designs. But, be that as it would, he led her to +a coach, went into it with her, and brought her to a very handsome +apartment, with a bed in it; but whether it was a bagnio or not, she +could not tell, having spoken to nobody but himself. But when they were +alone together, and her inamorato began to proceed to those extremities +which instantly discover the sex, she remarked, that no description +could paint up to the life, the mixture of pique, confusion and +disappointment, that appeared in his countenance, joined to the mournful +exclamation: "By heavens, a woman!" This at once opened her eyes, which +had been shut in downright stupidity. However, as if he had meant to +retrieve that escape, he still continued to toy with and fondle her, +but with so staring an alteration from extreme warmth into a chill and +forced civility, that even Emily herself could not but take notice +of it, and now began to wish she had paid more regard to Mrs. Cole's +premonitions against ever engaging with a stranger. And now an excess of +timidity succeeded to an excess of confidence, and she thought herself +so much at his mercy and discretion, that she stood passive throughout +the whole progress of his prelude: for now, whether the impressions +of so great a beauty had even made him forgive her sex, or whether her +appearance or figure in that dress still humoured his first illusion, he +recovered by degrees a good part of his first warmth, and keeping Emily +with her breeches still unbuttoned, stript them down to her knees, and +gently impelling her to lean down, with her face against the bed-side, +placed her so, that the double way, between the double rising behind, +presented the choice fair to him, and he was so fairly set on a +mis-direction, as to give the girl no small alarms for fear of losing +a maidenhead she had not dreamt of. However, her complaints, and a +resistance, gentle, but firm, checked and brought him to himself again; +so that turning his steed's head, he drove him at length in the right +road, in which his imagination having probably made the most of those +resemblances that flattered his taste, he got, with much ado, to his +journey's end: after which, he led her out himself, and walking with her +two or three streets length, got her a chair, when making her a present +not any thing inferior to what she could have expected, he left her, +well recommended to the chairmen, who, on her directions, brought her +home. + +This she related to Mrs. Cole and me the same morning, not without the +visible remains of the fear and confusion she had been in, still stamped +on her countenance. Mrs. Cole's remark was, that her indiscretion +proceeding from a constitutional facility, there were little hopes of +any thing curing her of it, but repeated severe experience. Mine was, +that I could not conceive how it was possible for mankind to run into +a taste, not only universally odious, but absurd, and impossible to +gratify; since, according to the notions and experience I had of things, +it was not in nature to force such immense disproportions. Mrs. Cole +only smiled at my ignorance, and said nothing towards my undeception, +which was not affected but by ocular demonstration, some months after, +which a most singular accident furnished me, and which I will here set +down, that I may not return again to so disagreeable a subject. + +I had, on a visit intended to Harriet, who had taken lodgings at +Hampton-court, hired a chariot to go out thither, Mrs. Cole having, +promised to accompany me; but some indispensable business intervening, +to detain her, I was obliged to set out alone; and scarce had I got a +third of my way, before the axle-tree broke down, and I was well off to +get out, safe and unhurt, into a public-house, of a tolerable handsome +appearance, on the road. Here the people told me that the stage would +come by in a couple of hours at farthest, upon; which, determining to +wait for it, sooner than lose the jaunt I had got so far forward on, I +was carried into a very clean decent room, up one pair of stairs, which +I took possession of for the time I had to stay, in right of calling for +sufficient to do the house justice. + +Here, whilst I was amusing myself with looking out of the window, a +single horse-chaise stopt at the door, out of which lightly leaped two +young' gentlemen, for so they seemed, who came in only as it were to +bait and refresh a little, for they gave their horse to be held! in +readiness against they came out. And presently I heard the door of the +next room, where they were let in, and called about them briskly; and as +soon as they were served, I could just hear that they shut and fastened +the door on the inside. + +A spirit of curiosity, far from sudden, since I do not know when I was +without it, prompted me, without any particular suspicion, or other +drift or view, to see what they were, and examine their persons and +behaviour. The partition of our rooms was one of those moveable ones +that, when taken down, served occasionally to lay them into one, for the +conveniency of as larger company; and now, my nicest search could not +shew me the shadow of a peep-hole, a circumstance which probably had not +escaped the review of the parties on the other side, whom much it stood +upon not to be deceived in it; but at length I observed a paper patch of +the same colour as the wainscot, which I took to conceal some flaw; but +then it was so high, that I was obliged to stand upon a chair to reach +it, which I did as soft as possible, and, with a point of a bodkin, soon +pierced it, and opened myself espial room sufficient. And now, applying +my eye close, I commanded the room perfectly, and could see my two +young sparks romping and pulling one another about, entirely, to my +imagination, in frolic and innocent play. + +The eldes might be, on my nearest guess, towards nineteen, a tall comely +young man, in a white fustian frock, with a green velvet cape, and cut +bob-wig. + +The youngest could not be above seventeen, fair, ruddy, completely well +made, and to say the truth, a sweet pretty stripling: he was too, I +fancy, a country lad, by his dress, which was a green plush frock, and +breeches of the same, white waistcoat and stockings, a jockey cap, with +his fellowish hair, long and loose, in natural curls. + +But after a look of circumspection, which I saw the eldest cast every +way round the room, probably in too much hurry and heat not to overlook +the very small opening I was posted at, especially at the height it +was, whilst my eye close to it kept the light from shining through and +betraying it, he said something to his companion that presently changed +the face of things. + +For now the elder began to embrace, to press and kiss the younger, to +put his hands into his bosom, and give him such manifest signs of +an amorous intention, as made me conclude the other to be a girl in +disguise: a mistake that nature kept me in countenance for, for she had +certainly made one, when she gave him the made stamp. + +In the rashness then of their age, and bent as they were to accomplish +their project of preposterous pleasure, at the risk of the very worst of +consequences, where a discovery was nothing less than improbable, they +now proceeded to such lengths as soon satisfied me what they were. + +For presently the eldest unbuttoned the other's breeches, and removing +the linen barrier, brought out to view a white shaft, middle sized, and +scarce fledged, when after handling and playing with it a little, with +other dalliance, all received by the boy without other opposition than +certain wayward coyness, ten times-more alluring than repulsive, he got +him so turned round, with his face from him, to a chair that stood hard +by; when knowing, I suppose, his office, the Ganymede now obsequiously +leaned his head against the back of it, and projecting his body, made a +fair mark, still covered with his shirt. As he thus stood in a side view +to me, but fronting his companion, who, presently unmasking his battery, +produced an engine that certainly deserved to be put to a better use, +and very fit to confirm me in my disbelief of the possibility of +things; being pushed to odious extremities, which I had built on the +disproportion of parts; but this disbelief I was now cured of, as by my +consent all young men should likewise be, that their innocence may not +be betrayed into such snares, for want of knowing the extent of their +danger: for nothing is more certain than that ignorance of advice is by +no means a guard against it. + +Slipping, then, aside the young lad's shirt, and tucking it up under +his clothes behind, he shewed to the open air those globular fleshy +eminences that compose the Mount Peasants of Rome, and which now, with +all the narrow vale that intersects them, stood displayed and exposed +to his attack; nor could I without a shudder behold the dispositions he +made for it. First, then, moistening well with spittle his instrument, +obviously to make it glib, he pointed, he introduced it, as I could +plainly discern, not only from its direction and my losing sight of it, +but by the writhing, twisting and soft murmured complaints of the young +sufferer; but at length, the first straits of entrance being pretty well +go through, every thing seemed to move and go pretty currently on, as on +a carpet road, without much rub or resistance; and now, passing one hand +round his minions' hips, he got hold of his red-topped ivory toy, +that stood perfectly stiff, and shewed, that if he was like his mother +behind, he was like his father before; this he diverted himself with, +whilst, with the other he wantoned with his hair, and leaning forward +over his back, drew his face, from which the boy shook the loose curls +that fell over it, in the posture he stood him in, and brought him +towards his, so as to receive a long breathed kiss; after which, +renewing his driving, and thus continuing to harass his rear, the height +of the fist came on with its usual symptoms, and dismissed the action. + +The criminal scene they acted, I had the patience to see to an end, +purely that I might gather more facts and certainty against them in my +design to do their deserts instant justice; and accordingly, when they +had re-adjusted themselves; and were preparing to go out, burning as I +was with rage and indignation, I jumped down from the chair, in order +to raise the house upon them, but with such an unlucky impetuosity, that +some nail or ruggedness in the floor caught my foot, and flung me on my +face with such violence, that I fell senseless on the ground, and lay +there some time before any one came to my relief: so that they, alarmed, +I suppose, by the noise of my fall, had more than the necessary time +to make a safe retreat. This they effected, as I learnt, with a +precipitation nobody could account for, until, when come to myself, and +composed enough to speak, I acquainted those of the house with the whole +transaction I had been evidence to. + +When I came home again, and told Mrs. Cole this adventure, she very +sensibly observed to me, that "there was no doubt of the due vengeance +one time or other overtaking these miscreants, however they might escape +for the present; and that, had I been the temporal instrument of it, I +should have been put to a great deal more trouble and confusion than +I imagined; that, as to the thing itself, the less said of it was the +better; but that though she might be suspected of partiality, from its +being the common cause of womankind, out of whose mouths this practice +tended to take something more than bread, yet she protested against any +mixture of passion, with a declaration extorted from her by pure regard +to truth; which was, that whatever effect this infamous passion had in +other ages and other countries, it seemed a peculiar blessing on our air +and climate, that there was a plaguespot visibly imprinted on all that +are tainted with it, in this nation at least, for that among numbers of +that stamp whom she had known, or at least were universally under the +scandalous suspicion of it, she would not name an exception hardly to +one of them, whose character was not, in all other respects, the most +worthless and despicable that could be; stript of all the manly virtues +of their own sex, and filled up with only the worst vices and follies of +ours; that, in fine, they were scarce less execrable than ridiculous in +their monstrous inconsistence, of loathing and contemning women, and at +the same time apeing all their manners, airs, lisps, scuttle, and, in +general, all their little modes of affectation, which become them at +least better, than they do these unsexed, male misses." + +But here, washing my hands of them, I re-plunge into the stream of my +history, which I may very properly ingraft a terrible sally of Louisa's, +since I had some share in it myself, and have besides engaged myself to +relate it, in point of countenance to poor Emily. It will add, too, one +more example to thousands, in confirmation of the maxim, that women get +once out of compass, there are no lengths of licentiousness, that they +are not capable of running. + +One morning then, that both Mrs. Cole and Emily were gone out for the +day, and only Louisa and I (not to mention the house-maid) were left in +charge of the house, whilst we were loitering away the time, in looking +through the shop windows, the son of a poor woman, who earned very hard +bread indeed by mending of stockings, in a stall in the neighbourhood, +offered us some nosegays, ranged round a small basket; by selling of +which the poor boy eked out his mother's maintenance of them both: nor +was he fit for any other way of livelihood, since he was not only +a perfect changeling, or idiot, but stammered so that there was no +understanding even those sounds his half-dozen animals ideas, at most, +prompted him to utter. + +The boys and servants in the neighbourhood had given him the nick-name +of good-natured Dick, from the soft simpleton's doing every thing he +was bid at the first word, and from his naturally having no turn +to mischief; then, by the way, he was perfectly well made, stout, +clean-limbed, tall of his age, as strong as a horse, and, withal, pretty +featured; so that he was not, absolutely, such a figure to be snuffled +at neither, if your nicety could, in favour of such essentials, have +dispensed with a face unwashed, hair tangled for want of combing, and +so ragged a pliht, that he might have disputed points of shew with any +heathen philosopher of them all. + +This boy we had often seen, and bought his flowers, out of pure +compassion, and nothing more; but just at this time as he stood +presenting us his basket, a sudden whim, a start of wayward fancy, +seized Louisa; and, without consulting me, she calls him in, and +beginning to examine his nosegays, culls out two, one for herself, +another for me, and pulling out half a crown, very currently gives it +him to change, as if she had really expected he could have changed it: +but the boy, scratching his head, made his signs explain his inability +in place of words, which he could not, with all his struggles, +articulate. + +Louisa, at this, says: "Well, my lad, come up stairs with me, and I will +give you your due," winking at the same time to me, and beckoning me to +accompany her, which I did, securing first the street-door, that by this +means, together with the shop, became wholly the care of the faithful +house-maid. + +As we went up, Louisa whispered me "that she had conceived a strange +longing to be satisfied, whether the general rule held good with regard +to this changeling, and how far nature had made him amends, in her best +bodily gifts, for her denial of the sublimer intellectual ones; begin, +at the same time, my assistance in procuring her this satisfaction." A +want of complaisance was never my vice, and I was so far from opposing +this extravagant frolic, that now, bit with the same maggot, and my +curiosity conspiring with hers, I entered plump into it, on my own +account. + +Consequently, soon as we came into Louisa's bed-chamber, whilst she was +amusing him with picking out his nosegays, I undertook the lead, and +began the attack. As it was not then very material to keep much measures +with a mere natural, I made presently free with him, though at my first +motion of meddling, his surprise and confusion made him receive my +advances but awkwardly: nay, insomuch that he bashfully shied, and shied +back a little; till encouraging him with my eyes, plucking him playfully +by the hair, sleeking his cheeks, and forwarding my point by a number +of little wantonnesses, I soon turned him familiar, and gave nature +her sweetest alarm: so that aroused, and beginning to feel himself, we +could, amidst all the innocent laugh and grin I had provoked him into, +perceive the fire lighting in his eyes, and, diffusing over his cheeks, +blend its glow with that of his blushes. The emotion in short of animal +pleasure glared distinctly in the simpleton's countenance; yet struck +with the novelty of the scene, he did not know which way to look or +move; but tame, passive, simpering, with his mouth half open, in stupid +rapture, stood and tractably suffered me to do what I pleased with him. +His basket was dropt out of his hands, which Louisa took care of. + +I had now, through more than one rent, discovered and felt his thighs, +the skin of which seemed the smoother and fairer for the coarseness, and +even the dirt of his dress, as the teeth of negroes seem the whiter for +the surrounded black; and poor indeed of habit, poor of understanding, +he was, however, abundantly rich in personal treasures, such as flesh, +firm, plump, and replete with the juices of youth, and robust well-knit +limbs. My fingers too had now got within reach of the true, the genuine +sensitive plant, which, instead of shrinking from the touch, joys to +meet it, and swells and vegetates under it: mine pleasingly informed me +that matters were so ripe for the discovery we meditated, that they were +too mighty for the confinement they were ready to break. A waistband +that I unskewered, and a rag of a shirt that I removed, and which could +not have covered a quarter of it, revealed the whole of the idiot's +standard of distinction, erect, in full pride and display: but such a +one! it was positively of so tremendous a size, that prepared as we were +to see something extraordinary, it still, out of measure, surpassed our +expectation, and astonished even me, who had not been used to trade in +trifles. In fine, it might have answered very well the making a skew of; +its enormous head seemed, in hue and size, not unlike a common sheep's +heart; then you might have trolled dice securely along the broad back +of the body of it; the length of it too was prodigious; then the rich +appendage of the treasure-bag beneath, large in proportion, gathered +and crisped up round in shallow furrows, helped to fill the eye, and +complete the proof of his being a natural, not quite in vain; since it +was full manifest that he inherited, and largely too, the prerogative of +majesty which distinguishes that otherwise most unfortunate condition, +and gave rise to the vulgar saying "That a fool's bauble is a lady's +playfellow." Not wholly without reason: for, generally speaking, it is +in love as it is in war, where the longest weapon carries it. Nature, +in short, had done so much for him in those parts, that she perhaps held +herself acquitted in doing so little for his head. + +For my part, who had sincerely no intention to push the joke further +than simply satisfying my curiosity with the sight of it alone, I was +content, in spite of the temptation that stared me in the face, with +having raised a May-pole for another to hang a garland on: for, by this +time, easily reading Louisa's desires in her wishful eyes, I acted the +commodious part, and made her, who sought no better sport, significant +terms of encouragement to go through stitch with her adventure; +intimating too that I would stay and see fair play: in which, indeed, I +had in view to humour a new born curiosity, to observe what appearances +active nature would put on in a natural, in the course of this her +darling operation. + +Louisa, whose appetite was up, and who, like the industrious bee, was, +it seems, not above gathering the sweet of so rare a flower, though she +found it planted on a dunghill, was but too readily disposed to take +the benefit of my cession. Urged then strongly by her own desires, and +emboldened by me, she presently determined to risk a trial of parts with +the idiot, who was by this time nobly inflamed for her purpose, by all +the irritation we had used to put the principles of pleasure effectually +into motion, and to wind up the springs of its organ to their supreme +pitch; and it stood accordingly stiff and straining, ready to burst with +the blood and spirits that swelled it... to a bulk! No! I shall never +forget it. + +Louisa then, taking and holding the fine handle that so invitingly +offered itself, led the ductile youth, by that mastertool of his, as she +stept backward towards the bed; which he joyfully gave way to, under +the incitations of instinct, and palpably delivered up to the goad of +desire. + +Stopped then by the bed, she took the fall she loved, and leaned to the +most, gently backward upon it, still holding fast what she held, and +taking care to give her clothes a convenient toss up, so that her thighs +duly disclosed, and elevated, laid open all the outward prospect of the +treasury of love: the rose-lipt overture presenting the cockpit so fair, +that it was not in nature even for a natural to miss it. Nor did he: for +Louisa, fully bent on grappling with it, and impatient of dalliance or +delay, directed faithfully the point of the battering-piece, and bounded +up with a rage of so varocious appetite, to meet and favour the thrust +of insertion, that the fierce activity on both sides effected it with +such pain of distention, that Louisa cried out violently, that she was +hurt beyond bearing, that she was killed. But it was too late: the storm +was up, and force was on her to give way to it; for now the man-machine, +strongly worked upon by the sensual passion, felt so manfully his +advantages and superiority, felt withal the sting of pleasure so +intolerable, that maddening with it, his joys began to assume a +character of furiousness, which made me tremble for the too tender +Louisa. He seemed, at this juncture, greater than himself; his +countenance, before so void of meaning, or expression, now grew big with +the importance of the act he was upon. In short, it was not now that he +was to be played the fool with. But, what is pleasant enough, I myself +was awed into a sort of respect for him, by the comely terrors his +motions dressed him in: his eyes shooting sparks of fire; his face +glowing with ardours that gave another life to it; his teeth churning; +his whole frame agitated with a raging ungovernable impetuosity: all +sensibly betraying the formidable fierceness with which the genial +instinct acted upon him. Butting then and goring all before him, and mad +and wild like an ower-driven steer, he ploughs up the tender furrow all +insensible to Louisa's complaints; nothing can stop, nothing can keep +out a fury like his: with which, having once got its head in, its blind +rage soon made way for the rest, piercing, rending, and breaking open +all obstruction. The torn, split, wounded girl cries, struggles, invokes +me to her rescue, and endeavours to get from under the young savage, +or shake him off, but alas! in vain: her breath, might as soon have +strength to have quelled his rough assault, or put him out of his +course. And indeed, all her efforts and struggles were managed with such +disorder, that they served rather to entangle, and fold her the faster +in the twine of his boisterous arms; so that she was tied to the stake, +and obliged to fight the match out, if she died for it. For his part, +instinct-ridden as he was, the expressions of his animal passion, +partaking something of ferocity, were rather worrying than kisses, +intermixed with ravenous love-bites on her cheeks and necks, the prints +of which did not wear out for some days after. + +Poor Louisa, however, bore up at length better than could have been +expected: and though she suffered, and greatly too, yet, ever true to +the good old cause, she suffered with pleasure and enjoyed her pain. And +soon now, by dint of an enraged enforcement, the brute-machine, driven +like a whirlwind, made all smoke again, and wedging its way up, to the +utmost extremity, left her, in point of penetration, nothing to fear or +to desire: and now, + + "Gorged with the dearest morsel of the earth," + (Shakespeare.) + +Louisa lay, pleased to the heart, pleased to her utmost capacity of +being so, with every fibre in those parts, stretched almost to breaking, +on a rack of joy, whilst the instrument of all this over-fullness +searched her senses with its sweet excess, till the pleasure gained upon +her so, its point stung her so home, that catching at length the rage +from her furious driver and sharing the riot of his wild rapture, she +went wholly out of her mind into that favourite part of her body, the +whole intenseness of which was so fervously filled, and employed: +there alone she existed, all lost in those delirious transports, those +extasies of the senses, which her winking eyes, the brightened vermilion +of her lips and cheeks, and sighs of pleasure deeply fetched, so +pathetically expressed. In short, she was now as mere a machine as much +wrought on, and had her motions as little at her own command, as the +natural himself, who, thus broke in upon her, made her feel with a +vengeance his tempestuous mettle he battered with; their active loins +quivered again with the violence of their conflict, till the surge of +pleasure, foaming and raging to a height, drew down the pearly shower +that was, to allay this hurricane. The purely sensitive idiot then first +shed those tears of joy that attend its last moments, not without an +agony of delight, and even almost a roar of rapture, as the gush escaped +him; so sensibly too for Louisa, that she kept him faithful company, +going off, in consent, with the old symptoms: a delicious delirium, a +tremendous convulsive shudder, and the critical dying: Oh! And now, on +his getting off she lay pleasure-drenched, and regorging its essential +sweets; but quite spent, and gasping for breath, without other sensation +of life than in those exquisite vibrations that trembled still on the +strings of delight; which had been too intensively touched, and which +nature had so ravishingly stirred with, for the senses to be quickly at +peace from. + +As for the changeling, whose curious engine had been thus successfully +played off, his shift of countenance and gesture had even something +droll, or rather tragi-comic in it: there was now an air of sad repining +foolishness, superadded to his natural one of no meaning and idiotism, +as he stood with his label of manhood, now lank, unstiffened, becalmed, +and flapping against his thighs, down which it reached half way, +terrible even in its fall, whilst under the dejection of spirit and +flesh, which naturally followed his eyes, by turns, cast down towards +his struck standard, or piteously lifted to Louisa, seemed to require at +her hands what he had so sensibly parted from to her, and now ruefully +missed. But the vigour of nature, soon returning, dissipated the blast +of faintness which the common law of enjoyment had subjected him to; +and now his basket re-became his main concern, which I looked for, and +brought him, whilst Louisa restored his dress to its usual condition, +and afterwards pleased him perhaps more by taking all his flowers +off his hands, and paying him, at his rate, for them, than if she had +embarrassed him by a present, that he would have been puzzled to account +for, and might have put others on tracing the motives of. + +Whether she ever returned to the attack I know not, and, to say truth, +I believe not. She had had her freak out, and had pretty plentifully +drowned her curiosity in a glut of pleasure, which, as it happened, had +no other consequence than that the lad, who retained only a confused +memory of the transaction, would, when he saw her, forget her in favour +of the next woman, tempted, on the report of his parts, to take him in. +Louisa herself did not long outstay this adventure at Mrs. Cole's (to +whom, by the bye, we took care not to boast of our exploit, till all +fear of consequences were clearly over): for an occasion presenting +itself of proving her passion for a young fellow, at the expense of her +discretion, proceeding all in character, she packed up her toilet, at +half a day's warning, and went with him abroad, since which I entirely +lost sight of her, and it never fell in my way to hear what became of +her. + +But a few days after she had left us, two very occasion, not to wrong +our training at Mrs. Cole's, especially favourites, and free of her +academy, easily obtained her consent for Emily's and my acceptance of a +party of pleasure, at a little but agreeable house, belonging to one of +them situated not far up the river Thames, on the Surrey side. + +Every thing being settled, and it being a fine summer day, but rather +of the warmest, we set out after dinner, and got to our rendezvous about +four in the afternoon; where, landing at the foot of a neat, joyous +pavilion, Emily and I were handed into it by our esquires, and there +drank tea with a cheerfulness and gaiety, that the beauty of the +prospect, the serenity of the weather, and the tender politeness of our +sprightly gallants, naturally led us into. + +After tea, and taking a turn in the garden, my particular, who was the +master of the house, and had in no sense schemed this party of pleasure +for a dry one, proposed to us, with that frankness which his familiarity +at Mrs. Cole's entitled him to, as the weather was excessively hot, +to bathe together, under a commodious shelter that he had prepared +expressly for that purpose, in a creek of the river, with which a +side-door of the pavilion immediately communicated, and where we might +be sure of having our diversion out, safe from interruption, and with +the utmost privacy. + +Emily, who never refused anything, and I, who ever delighted in bathing, +and had no exception to the person who proposed it, or to those pleasure +it was easy to guess it implied, took care, on this occasion, not to +wrong our training at Mrs. Cole's, and agreed to it with as good a grace +as we could. Upon which, without loss of time, we returned instantly to +the pavilion, one door of which opened into a tent, pitched before it, +that with its marquise, formed a pleasing defense again the sun, or the +weather, and was besides as private as we could wish. The lining of it, +embossed cloth, represented a wild forest foliage, from the top, down to +the sides, which, in the same stuff, were figured with fluted pilasters, +with their spaces between filled with flower vases, the whole having a +pay effect croon the eye, wherever you turned it. + +Then it reached sufficiently into the water, yet contained convenient +benches round it, on the dry ground, either to keep our clothes, or..., +or..., in short for more uses than resting upon. There was a side-table +too, loaded with sweetmeats, jellies, and other eatables, and bottles +of wine and cordials, by way of occasional relief from any rawness, or +chill of the water, or from any faintness from whatever cause; and in +fact, my gallant, who understood chere entiere perfectly, and who, for +taste (even if you would not approve this specimen of it) might have +been comptroller of pleasures to a Roman emperor, had left no requisite +towards convenience or luxury unprovided. + +As soon as we had looked round this inviting spot, and every preliminary +of privacy was duly settled, strip was the word: when the young +gentlemen soon dispatched the undressing each his partner and reduced +us to the naked confession of all those secrets of person which dress +generally hides, and which the discovery of was, naturally speaking, not +to our disadvantage. Our hands, indeed, mechanically carried towards +the most interesting part of us, screened, at first, all from the tufted +cliff downwards, till we took them away at their desire, and employed +them in doing them the same office, of helping off with their clothes; +in the process of which, there passed all the little wantonnesses and +frolics that you may easily imagine. + +As for my spark, he was presently undressed, all to his shirt, the +fore-lappet of which as he leaned languishingly on me, he smilingly +pointed to me to observe, as it bellied out, or rose and fell, according +to the unruly starts of the motion behind it; but it was soon fixed, for +now taking off his shirt, and naked as a Cupid, he shewed it me at so +upright a stand, as prepared me indeed for his application to me for +instant ease; but, though the sight of its fine size was fit enough to +fire me, the cooling air, as I stood in this state of nature, joined +to the desire I had of bathing-first, enabled me to put him off, and +tranquillize him, with the remark, that a little suspense would only +set a keener edge on the pleasure. Leading them the way, and shewing our +friends an example of continency, which they were giving signs of losing +respect to, we went hand in hand into the stream, till it took us up to +our necks, where the no more than grateful coolness of the wafer gave +my senses a delicious refreshment from the sultriness of the season, and +made more alive, more happy in myself, and, in course, more alert, and +open to voluptuous impressions. + +Here I laved and wantoned with the water, or sportively played with +my companion, leaving Emily to deal with hers at discretion. Mine, at +length, not content with making me take the plunge over head and ears, +kept splashing me, and provoking me with all the little playful tricks +he could devise, and which I strove not to remain in his debt for. We +gave, in short, a loose to mirth; and now, nothing would serve him but +giving his hand the regale of going over every part of me, neck, breast, +belly, thighs, and all the et caetera, so dear to the imagination, under +the pretext of washing and rubbing them; as we both stood in the water, +no higher now than the pit of our stomachs, and which did not hinder him +from feeling, and toying with that leak that distinguishes our sex, and +it so wonderfully water-tight: for his fingers, in vain dilating and +opening it, only let more flame than water into it, be it said without +a figure. At the same time he made me feel his own engine, which was so +well wound up, as to stand even the working in water, and he accordingly +threw one arm round my neck, and was endeavouring to get the better +of that harsher construction bred by the surrounding fluid; and had in +effect one hiway so far as to make me sensible of the pleasing stretch +of those nether lips, from the in-driving machine; when, independent +of my not liking that awkward mode of enjoyment, I could not help +interrupting him, in order to become joint spectators of a plan of joy, +in hot operation between Emily and her partner; who impatient of the +fooleries and dalliance of the bath, had led his nymph to one of the +benches on the green bank, where he was very cordially proceeding to +teach her the difference betwixt jest and earnest. + +There, setting her on his knee, and gliding one hand over the surface +of that smooth polished snow-white skin of hers, which now doubly shone +with a dew-bright lustre, and presented to the touch something like what +one would imagine of animated ivory, especially in those ruby-nippled +globes, which the touch is so fond of and delights to make love to, +with the other h was lusciously exploring the sweet secret of nature, +in order to make room for a stately piece of machinery, that stood +up-reared, between her thighs, as she continued siting on his lap, and +pressed hard for instant intromission, which the tender Emily, in a +fit of humour deliciously protracted, affected to decline, and elude the +very pleasure she sighed for, but in a style of waywardness, so prettily +put on, and managed, as to render it ten times more poignant; then her +eyes, all amidst the softest dying languishment, expressed, ait once a +mock denial and extreme desire, whilst her sweetness was zested with a +coyness so pleasingly provoking, her moods of keeping him off were +so attractive, that they redoubled the impetuous rage with, which, he +covered her with kisses: and kisses that, whilst she seemed to shy from +or scuffle for, the cunning wanton contrived such sly returns, of, as +were, doubtless the sweeter for the gust she gave them, of being stolen +ravished. + +Thus Emily, who knew no art but that which nature itself, in favour +of her principal end, pleasure, had inspired her with, the art of +yielding, coyed it indeed, but coyed it to the purpose; for with all +her straining, her wrestling, and striving to break from the clasp +of his arms, she was so far wiser yet than to mean it, that in her +struggles, it was visible she aimed at nothing more than multiplying +points of touch with him, and drawing yet closer the folds that held +them every where entwined, like two tendrils of a vine intercurling: +together: so that the same effect, as when Louisa strove in good earnest +to disengage from the idiot, was-now produced by different motives. + +Mean while, their emersion out of the cold water had caused a general +glow, a tender suffusion of heightened carnation over their bodies; +both equally white and smoothskinned; so that as their limbs were-thus +amorously interwoven, in sweet confusion, it was scarce possible to +distinguish who they respectively belonged to, but for the brawnier, +bolder muscles of the stronger sex. + +In a little time, however, the champion was fairly in with her, and had +tied at all points the true lover's knot; when now, adieu all the little +refinements of a finessed reluctance; adieu the friendly feint! She was +presently driven forcibly out of the power of using any art; and +indeed, what art must not give way, when nature, corresponding with her +assailant, invaded in the heart of her capital and carried by storm, lay +at the mercy of the proud conqueror, who had made his entry triumphantly +and completely? Soon, however, to become a tributary: for the engagement +growing hotter and hotter, at close quarters, she presently brought him +to the pass of paying down the dear debt to nature; which she had no +sooner collected in, but, like a duellist who has laid his antagonist at +his feet, when he has himself received a mortal wound, Emily had +scarce time to plume herself upon her victory, but, shot with the same +discharge, she, in a loud expiring sigh, in the closure of her eyes, +the stretch-out of her limbs, and a remission of her whole frame, gave +manifest signs that all was as it should be. + +For my part, who had not with the calmest patience stood in the water +all this time, to view this warm action, I leaned tenderly on my +gallant, and at the close of it, seemed to ask him with my eyes, what he +thought of it; but he, more eager to satisfy me by his actions than by +words or looks, as we shoaled the water towards the shore, showed me the +staff of love so intensely set up, that had not even charity, beginning +at home in this case, urged me to our mutual relief, it would have been +cruel indeed to have suffered the youth to burst with straining, when +the remedy was so obvious and so near at hand. + +Accordingly we took a bench, whilst Emily and her spark, who belonged it +seems to the sea, stood at the side-board, drinking to our good voyage: +for, as the last observed, we were well under weigh, with a fair wind up +channel, and full-freighted; nor indeed were we long before we finished +our trip to Cythera, and unloaded in the old haven; but, as the +circumstances-did not admit of much variation, I shall spare you the +description. + +At the same time, allow me to place you here an excuse I am conscious of +owing you, for having, perhaps, too much affected the figurative style; +though surely, it can pass nowhere more allowable than in a subject +which is so properly the province of poetry, nay, is poetry itself, +pregnant with every flower of imagination and loving metaphors, even +were not the natural expressions, for respects of fashion and sound, +necessarily forbidden. + +Resuming now my history, you may please to know, that what with a +competent number of repetitions, all in the same strain (and, by the +bye, we have a certain natural sense that those repetitions are very +much to the taste), what with a circle of pleasures delicately varied, +there was not a moment lost to joy all the time we staid there, +till late in the night we were re-escorted home by our esquires, who +delivered us safe to Mrs. Cole, with generous thanks for our company. + +This too was Emily's last adventure in our way: for scarce a week after, +she was, by an accident too trivial to detail to you the particulars, +found out by her parents, who were in good circumstances, and who had +been punished for their partiality to their son, in the loss of him, +occasioned by a circumstance of their over indulgence to his appetite; +upon which the so long engrossed stream of fondness, running violently +in favour of this lost and inhumanly abandoned child whom if they had +not neglected enquiry about, they might long before have recovered, they +were now so over-joyed at the retrieval of her, that, I presume, it made +them much less strict in examining the bottom of things: for they seemed +very glad to take for granted, in the lump, every thing that the grave +and decent Mrs. Cole was pleased to pass upon them; and soon afterwards +sent her, from the country, handsome acknowledgment. + +But it was not so easy to replace to our community the loss of so sweet +a member of it: for, not to mention her beauty, she was one of those +mild, pliant characters, that if one does not entirely esteem, one can +scarce help loving, which is not such a bad compensation neither. Owing +all her weaknesses to good nature, and an indolent facility that kept +her too much at the mercy of first impressions, she had just sense +enough to know that she wanted leading strings, and thought herself so +much obliged to any who would take the pains to think for her, and guide +her, that with a very little management, she was capable of being made a +most agreeable, nay a most virtuous wife: for vice, it is probable, had +never been her choice, or her fate, if it had not been for occasion, +or example, or had she not depended less upon herself than upon her +circumstances. This presumption her conduct afterwards verified: for +presently meeting with a match, that was ready cut and dry for her, with +a neighbour's son of her own rank, and a young man of sense and order, +who took as the widow of one lost at sea (for so it seems one of her +gallants, whose name she had made free with, really was), she naturally +struck into all the duties of her domestic life, with as much simplicity +of affection, with as much constancy and regularity, as if she had never +swerved from a state of undebauched innocence from her youth. + +These desertions had, however, now so far thinned Mrs. Cole's cluck that +she was left with only me, like a hen with one chicken; but though she +was earnestly entreated and encouraged to recruit her crops, her growing +infirmities, and, above all, the tortures, of a stubborn hip gout, +which she found would yield to no remedy, determined her to break up her +business, and retire with a decent pittance into the country, where I +promised myself, nothing so sure, as my going down to live with her, as +soon as I had seen a little more of life, and improved my small matters +into a competency that would create in me an independence on the world: +for I was now, thanks to Mrs. Cole, wise enough to keep that essential +in view. + +Thus was I then to lose my faithful preceptress, as did the philosophers +of the town the white crow of her profession. For besides that she never +ransacked her customers, whose tastes too she ever studiously consulted, +she never racked her pupils with unconscionable extortions, nor ever +put their hard earnings, as she called them, under the contribution of +poundage. She was a severe enemy to the seduction for innocence, and +confined her acquisitions solely to those unfortunate young women, who, +having lost it, were but the juster objects of compassion: among these, +indeed, she picked out such as suited her views and taking them under +her protection, rescued them from the danger of the public sinks of ruin +and misery, to place, or for them, well or ill, in the manner you have +seen. Having then settled her affairs, she set out on her journey, after +taking the most tender leave of me, and at the end of some excellent +instructions, recommending me to myself, with an anxiety perfectly +maternal. In short, she affected me so much, that I was not presently +reconciled to myself for suffering her at any rate to go without me; but +fate had, it seems, otherwise disposed of me. + +I had, on my separation from Mrs. Cole, taken a pleasant convenient +house at Marylebone, but easy to rent and manage from its smallness, +which I furnished neatly and modestly. There, with a reserve of eight +hundred pounds, the fruit of my deference to Mrs. Cole's counsels, +exclusive of clothes, some jewels, and some plate, I saw myself in purse +for a long time, to wait without impatience for what the chapter of +accidents might produce in my favour. + +Here, under the new character of a young gentlewoman whose husband was +gone to sea, I had marked me out such lines of life and conduct, as +leaving me a competent liberty to pursue my views either out of pleasure +or fortune, bounded me nevertheless strictly within the rules of decency +and discretion: a disposition, in which you cannot escape observing a +true pupil of Mrs. Cole. + +I was scarce, however, well warm in my new abode, when going out one +morning pretty early to enjoy the freshness of it, in the pleasing +outlet of the fields, accompanied only by a maid, whom I had newly +hired, as we were carelessly walking among the trees, we were alarmed +with the noise of a violent coughing: turning our heads towards which, +we distinguished a plain well dressed elderly gentleman, who, attacked +with a sudden fit, was so much overcome, as to be forced to give way to +it and sit down at the foot of a tree, where he seemed suffocating with +the severity of it, being perfectly black in the face; not less moved +than frightened with which, I flew on the instant to his relief, and +using the rote of practice I had observed on the like occasion, I +loosened his cravat and clapped him on the back; but whether to any +purpose, or whether the cough had had its course, I know not, but the +fit immediately went off; and now recovered to his speech and legs, he +returned me thanks with as much emphasis as if I had saved his life. +This naturally engaging a conversation, he acquainted me where he lived, +which was at a considerable distance from where I met him, and where he +had strayed insensibly on the same intention of a morning walk. + +He was, as I afterwards learned in the course of the intimacy which this +little accident gave birth to, an old bachelor, turned of sixty, but +of a fresh vigorous complexion, insomuch that he scarce marked five and +forty, having never racked his constitution by permitting his desires to +over-tax his ability. + +As to his birth and conditions, his parents, honest and failed +mechanics, had, by the best traces he could get of them, left him an +infant orphan on the parish; so that it was from a charity-school, that, +by honesty and industry, he made his way into a merchant's counting +house, from whence, being sent to a house in Cadiz, he there, by his +talents and activity, acquired not only a fortune, but an immense +one, with which he returned to his native country; where he could not, +however, fish out so much as one single relation out of the obscurity +he was born in. Taking then a taste for refinement, and pleased to enjoy +life, like a mistress in the dark, he flowed his days in all the ease +of opulence, without the least parade of it; and, rather studying +the concealment than the shew of a fortune, looked down on a world he +perfectly knew himself, to his wish, unknown and unmarked by. + +But, as I propose to devote a letter entirely to the pleasure of +retracing to you all the particulars of my acquaintance with this ever, +to me, memorable friend, I shall, in this, transiently touch on no +more than may serve, as mortar, to cement, or form the connection of my +history, and to obviate your surprise that one of my blood and relish of +life, should count a gallant of three score such a catch. + +Referring then to a more explicit narrative, to explain by what +progressions our acquaintance, certainly innocent at first, insensibly +changed nature, and run into unplatonic length, as might well be +expected from one of my condition of life, and above all, from that +principle of electricity that scarce ever fails of producing fire when +the sexes meet. I shall only here acquaint you, that as age had not +subdued his tenderness for our sex, neither had it robbed him of the +power of pleasing, since whatever he wanted in the bewitching charms of +youth, he atoned for, or supplemented with the advantages of experience, +the sweetness of his manners, and above all, his flattering address in +touching the heart, by an application to the understanding. From him it +was I first learned, to any purpose, and not without infinite pleasure, +that I had such a portion of me worth bestowing some regard on; from him +I received my first essential encouragement, and instructions how to put +it in that train of cultivation, which I have since pushed to the little +degree of improvement you see it at; he it was, who first taught me to +be sensible that the pleasures of the mind were superior to those of +the body; at the same time, that they were so far from obnoxious to, or, +incompatible with each other, that, besides the sweetness in the variety +and transition, the one served to exalt and perfect the taste of the +other, to a degree that the senses alone can never arrive at. + +Himself a rational pleasurist; as being much too wise to be ashamed of +the pleasures of humanity, loved me indeed, but loved me with dignity; +in a mean equally removed from the sourness, of forwardness, by which +age is unpleasingly characterized, and from that childish silly dotage +that so often disgraces it, and which he himself used to turn into +ridicule, and compare to an old goat affecting the frisk of a young kid. + +In short, every thing that is generally unamiable in his season of life, +was, in him, repaired by so many advantages, that he existed a proof, +manifest at least to me, that it is not out of the power of age to +please, if it lays out to please, and if, making just allowance, those +in that class do not forget, that if must cost them more pains and +attention, than what youth, the natural spring-time of joy, stands in +need of: as fruits out of season require proportionally more skill and +cultivation, to force them. + +With this gentleman, who took me home soon after our acquaintance +commenced, I lived near eight months in which time, my constant +complaisance and docility, my attention to deserve his confidence and +love, and a conduct, in general, devoid of the least art and founded on +my sincere regard and esteem for him, won and attached him so firmly to +me, that, after having generously trusted me with a genteel, independent +settlement, proceeding to heap marks of affection on me, he appointed +me, by an authentic will, his sole heiress and executrix: a disposition +which he did not outlive two months, being taken from me by a violent +cold that he contracted, as he unadvisedly ran to the window, on an +alarm of fire at some streets distant, and stood there naked-breasted, +and exposed to the fatal impressions of a damp night air. + +After acquitting myself of the duty towards my deceased benefactor, and +paying him a tribute of un-feigned sorrow, which a little time changed +into a most tender, graceful memory of him, which I shall ever retain, I +grew somewhat comforted by the prospect that now opened to me, if not of +happiness, at least of affluence and independence. + +I saw myself then in the full bloom and pride of youth (for I was not +yet nineteen), actually at the head of so large a fortune, as it would +have been even the height of impudence in me to have raised my wishes, +much more my hopes to; and that this unexpected elevation did not turn +my head, I owed to the pains my benefactor had taken to form and +prepare me for it, as I owed his opinion of my management of the vast +possessions he left me, to what he had observed of the prudential +economy I had learned under Mrs. Cole, the reserve of which he saw I had +made, was a proof and encouragement to him. + +But, alas! how easily in the enjoyment of the greatest sweets in life, +in present possession, poisoned by the regret of an absent one! But my +regret was a mighty and just one, since it had my only truly beloved +Charles for its object. + +Given him up I had, indeed, completely, having never once heard from +him since our separation; which, as I found afterwards, had been my +misfortune, and not his neglect, for he wrote me several letters which +had all miscarried; but forgotten him I never had. And amidst all my +personal infidelities, not one had made a pin's point impression on a +heart impenetrable to the true love passion, but for him. + +As soon, however, as I was mistress of this unexpected fortune, I felt +more than ever how dear he was to me, from its insufficiency to make +me happy, whilst he was not to share it with me. My earliest care, +consequently, was to endeavour at getting some account of him; but all +my researches produced me no more light, than that his father had been +dead for some time, not so well as even with the world; and that Charles +had reached his port of destination in the South Seas, where, finding +the estate he was sent to recover, dwindled to a trifle, by the loss of +two ships in which the bulk of his uncle's fortune lay, he was come +away with the small remainder, and might, perhaps, according to the best +advice, in a few months return to England, from whence he had, at the +time of this my inquiry, been absent two years and seven months. A +little eternity in love! + +You cannot conceive with what joy I embraced the hopes thus given me +of seeing the delight of my heart again. But, as the term of months was +assigned it, in order to divert and amuse my impatience for his return, +after settling my affairs with much ease and security, I set out on a +journey for Lancashire, with an equipage suitable to my fortune, and +with a design purely to revisit my place of nativity, for which I could +not help retaining a great tenderness; and might naturally not be sorry +to shew myself there, to the advantage I was now in pass to do, after +the report Esther Davis had spread of my being spirited away to the +plantations; for on no other supposition could she account for the +suppression of myself to her, since her leaving me so abruptly at the +inn. Another favourite intention I had, to look out for my relations, +though I had none but distant ones, and prove a benefactress to them. +Then Mrs. Cole's place of retirement lying in my way, was not amongst +the least of the pleasures I had proposed to myself in this expedition. + +I had taken nobody with me but a discreet decent woman, to figure it as +my companion, besides my servants; and was scarce got into an inn, about +twenty miles from London, where I was to sup and pass the night, when +such a storm of wind and rain come on, as made me congratulate myself on +having got under shelter before it began. + +This had continued a good half an hour, when bethinking me of some +directions to be given to the coachman, I sent for him, not caring that +his shoes should soil the very clean parlour, in which the cloth was +laid, I stept into the hall kitchen, where he was, and where, whilst I +was talking to him, I slantingly observed two horsemen driven in by the +weather, and both wringing wet; one of whom was asking if they could not +be assisted with a change, while their clothes were dried. But, heavens! +who can express what I felt at the sound of a voice, ever present to my +heart, and that it now rebounded at! or when pointing my eyes towards +the person it came from, they confirmed its information, in spite of so +long an absence, and of a dress one would have studied for a disguise: a +horseman's great coat, with a stamp-up cape, and his hat flapped... +but what could escape the alertness of a sense truly guided by love? +A transport then like mine was above all consideration, or schemes of +surprise; and I, that instant, with the rapidity of the emotions that I +felt the spur of, shot into his arms, crying out, as I threw mine round +his neck: "My life!... my soul!... my Charles!.." and without further +power of speech, swooned away, under the pressing agitation of joy and +surprise. + +Recovered out of my entrancement, I found myself in my charmer's arms, +but in the parlour, surrounded by a crowd which this event had gathered +round us, and which immediately, on a signal from the discreet landlady, +who currently took him for my husband, cleared the room, and desirably +left us alone to the raptures of this reunion; my joy at which had like +to have proved, at the expense of my life, its power superior to that of +grief at our fatal separation. + +The first object then, that my eyes opened on, was their supreme idol, +and my supreme wish, Charles, on one knee, holding me fast by the hand +and gazing on me with a transport of fondness. Observing my recovery, +he attempted to speak, and give vent to his patience of hearing my voice +again, to satisfy him once more that it was I; but the mightiness and +suddenness Of the surprise continuing to stun him, choked his utterance: +he could only stammer out a few broken, half-formed, filtering accents, +which my ears greedily drinking in, spelt, and put together, so as to +make out their sense: "After so long!... so cruel an absence!... my +dearest Fanny!... can it?... can it be you?..." stifling me at the time +with kisses, that, stopping my opening mouth, at once prevented the +answer that he panted for, and increased the delicious disorder in +which all my senses were rapturously lost. However, amidst this crowd of +ideas, and all blissful ones, there obtruded only one cruel doubt that +poisoned nearly all the transcendant happiness: and what was it, but my +dread of its being too excessive to be real? I trembled now with my +fear of its being no more than a dream, and of waking out of it into +the horrors of finding it one. Under this fond apprehension, imagining +I could not make too much of the present prodigious joy, before it would +vanish and leave me in the desert again, nor verify its reality too +strongly, I clung to him, I clasped him, as if to hinder him from +escaping me again: "Where have you been?... how could you... could you +leave me?... Say you are still mine... that you still love me... and +thus! thus!" (kissing him as if I would consolidated lips with him) "I +forgive you... forgive my hard fortune in favour of this restoration." + +All these interjections breaking from me, in that wildness of expression +that justly passes for eloquence in love, drew from him all the returns +my fond heart could wish or require. Our caresses, our questions, our +answers, for some time observed no order; all crossing, or interrupting +one another in sweet confusion, whilst we exchanged hearts at our eyes, +and renewed the ratifications of a love unabated by time or absence: +not a breath, not a motion, not a gesture on either side, but what was +strongly impressed with it. Our hands, locked in each other, repeated +the most passionate squeezes, so that their fiery thrill went to the +heart again. + +Thus absorbed, and concentered in this unutterable delight, I had not +attended to the sweet author of it being thoroughly wet, and in danger +of catching cold; when, in good time, the landlady, whom the appearance +of my equipage (which, bye the bye Charles knew nothing of) had gained +me an interest in, for me and mine interrupted us by bringing in a +decent shift of linen and clothes; which now, somewhat recovered into +a calmer composure by the coming in of a third person, I pressed him +to take the benefit of, with a tender con-cern and anxiety that made me +tremble for his health. + +The landlady leaving us again, he proceeded to shift; in the act of +which, though he proceeded with all that modesty which became these +first solemner instants of our re-meeting, after so long an absence, +I could not refrain certain snatches of my eyes, lured by the dazzling +discoveries of his naked skin, that escaped him as he changed his linen, +and which I could not observe the unfaded life and complexion of without +emotions of tenderness and joy, that had himself too purely for their +object, to partake of a loose or mis-timed desire. + +He was soon dressed in these temporary clothes, which neither fitted +him, nor became the light my passion placed him in, to me at least; yet, +as they were on him, they looked extremely well, in virtue of that magic +charm which love put into every thing that he-touched, or had relation +to him: and where, indeed, was that dress that a figure like his would +not give grace to? For now, as I eyed him more in detail, I could not +but observe the even favourable alteration which the time of his absence +had produced in his person. + +There were still the requisite lineaments, still the same vivid +vermillion and bloom reigning in his face; but now the roses were +more fully blown; the tan of his travels, and a beard somewhat more +distinguishable, had, at the expense of no more delicacy than what he +could well spare, given it an air of becoming manliness and maturity, +that symmetrized nobly with that air of distinction and empire with +which nature had stamped it, in a rare mixture with the sweetness of +it; still nothing had he lost of that smooth plumpness of flesh, which, +glowing with freshness, blooms florid to the eye, and delicious to the +touch; then his shoulders were grown more square, his shape more formed, +more portly, but still free and airy. In short, his figure showed riper, +greater, and perfecter to the experienced eye, than in his tender youth; +and now he was not much more than two and twenty. + +In this interval, however, I picked out of the broken, often pleasingly +interrupted account of himself, that he was, at that instant, actually +on his road to London, in not a very paramount plight or condition, +having been wrecked on the Irish coast for which he had prematurely +embarked, and lost the little all he had brought with him from the South +Seas: so that he had not till after great shifts and hardships, in the +company of his fellow-traveller, the captain, got so far on his journey; +that so it was (having heard of his father's death and circumstances,) +he had now the world to begin again, on a new account: a situation, +which he assured me, in a vein of sincerity, that flowing from his +heart, penetrated mine, gave him to farther pain, than that he had not +his power to make me as happy as he could wish. My fortune, you will +please to observe, I had not entered upon any overture of, reserving, to +feast myself with the surprise of it to him, in calmer instants. And, as +to my dress, it could give him no idea of the truth, not only as it was +mourning, but likewise in a style of plainness and simplicity that I had +ever kept to with studied art. He pressed me indeed tenderly to satisfy +his ardent curiosity, both with regard to my past and present state of +life, since his being torn away from me: but I found means to elude +his questions, by answers that shewing his satisfaction at no great +distance, won upon him to waive his impatience, in favour of the +thorough confidence he had in my not delaying it, but for respect I +should in good time acquaint him with. + +Charles, however, thus returned to my longing arms, tender, faithful, +and in health, was already a blessing too mighty for my conception: but +Charles in distress!... Charles reduced, and broken down to his naked +personal merit, was such a circumstance, in favour of the sentiments I +had for him, as exceeded my utmost desire; and accordingly I seemed so +visibly charmed, so out of time and measure pleased at his mention of +his ruined fortune, that he could account for it no way, but that the +joy of seeing him again had swallowed up every other sense of concern. + +In the mean time, my woman had taken, all possible care of Charles's +travelling companion; and as supper was coming in, he was introduced +to me, when I received him as became my regard for all of Charles's +acquaintance or friends. + +We four then supped together, in the style of joy, congratulation, and +pleasing disorder that you may guess. For my part, though all these +agitations had left me not the least stomach, but for that uncloying +feast, the sight of my adored youth, I endeavoured to force it, by way +of example for him, who I conjectured must want such a recruit after +riding; and, indeed, he; ate like a traveller, but gazed at, and +addressed me all the time like a lover. + +After the cloth was taken away, and the hour of repose came on, Charles +and I were, without further ceremony, in quality of man and wife, shown +up together to a very handsome apartment, and, all in course, the bed, +they said, the best in the inn. + +And here, Decency, forgive me! if once more I violate thy laws and +keeping the curtains undrawn, sacrifice thee for the last time to that +confidence, without reserve, with which I engaged to recount to you the +most striking circumstances of my youthful disorders. + +As soon, then, as we were in the room together, left to ourselves, the +sight of the bed starving the remembrance of our first joys, and the +thought of my being instantly to share it with the dear possessor of my +virgin heart, moved me so strongly, that it was well I leaned upon him, +or I must have fainted again under the overpowering sweet alarm. Charles +saw into my confusion, and forgot his own, that was scarce less, to +apply himself to the removal of mine. + +But now the true refining passion had regained throughout possession +of me, with all its train of symptoms: a sweet sensibility, a tender +timidity, love-sick yearnings tempered with diffidence and modesty, all +held me in a subjection of soul, incomparably dearer to me than the +liberty of heart which I had been long, too long! the mistress of, in +the course of those grosser gallantries, the consciousness of which now +made me sigh with a virtuous confusion and regret. No real virgin, in +short, in view of the nuptial bed, could give more bashful blushes to +unblemished innocence, than I did to a sense of guilt; and indeed I +loved Charles too truly not to feel severely that I did not deserve him. + +As I kept hesitating and disconcerted under this soft distraction, +Charles, with a fond impatience, took the pains to undress me; and all I +can remember amidst the nutter and discomposure of my senses, was, some +flattering exclamation of joy and admiration, more specially at the feel +of my breasts, now set at liberty from my stays, and which panting and +rising in tumultous throbs, swelled upon his dear touch, and gave it the +welcome pleasure of finding them well formed, and un-failed in firmness. + +I was soon laid in bed, and scarce languished an instant for the darling +partner of it, before he was undressed and got between the sheets, with +his arms clasped round me, giving and taking, with gust inexpressible, +a kiss of welcome, that my heart rising to my lips stamped with its +warmest impression, concurring to my bliss, with that delicate and +voluptuous emotion which Charles alone had the secret to excite, and +which constitutes the very life, the essence of pleasure. + +Mean while, two candles lighted on a side-table near us, and a joyous +wood fire, threw a light into the bed, that took from one sense, of +great importance to our joys, all pretext for complaining of its being +shut out of its share of them; and, indeed, the sight of my idolized +youth was alone, from the ardour with which I had wished for it, without +other circumstance, a pleasure to die of. + +But as action was now a necessity to desires so much on edge as ours, +Charles, after a very short prelusive dalliance, lifting up my linen and +his own, laid the broad treasures of his manly chest close to my bosom, +both beating with the tenderest alarms: when now, the sense of his +glowing body, in naked touch with mine, took all power over my thoughts +out of my own disposal, and delivered up every faculty of the soul +to the sensiblest of joys, that affecting me infinitely more with +my distinction of the person, than of the sex, now brought my heart +deliriously into play: my heart, which, eternally constant to Charles, +had never taken any part in my original sacrifices to the calls of +constitution, complaisance, or interest. But ah! what became of me, +when as the powers of solid pleasure thickened upon me, I could not help +feeling the stiff stake that had been adorned with the trophies of +my despoiled virginity, bearing hard and inflexible against one of my +thighs, which I had not yet opened, from a true principle of modesty, +revived by a passion too sincere to suffer any aiming at the false merit +of difficulty, or my putting on an impertinent mock coyness. + +I have, I believe, somewhere before remarked, that feel of that +favourite piece of manhood has, in the very nature of it, something +inimitably pathetic. Nothing can be dearer to the touch, nor can affect +it with a more delirious sensation. Think then! as a love thinks, what +must be the consummate transport of that quickest of our senses, in +their central seat too! when, after so long a deprival, it felt itself +re-inflamed under the pressure of that peculiar sceptre-member, which +commands us all: but especially my darling, elect from the face of the +whole earth. And now, at its mightiest point of stiffness, it felt to me +something so subduing so active, so solid and agreeable, that I know +not what name to give its singular impression: but the sentiment of +consciousness of its belonging to my supremely beloved youth, gave me +so pleasing an agitation, and worked so strongly on my soul, that it sent +all its sensitive spirits to that organ of bliss in me, dedicated to its +reception. There, concentering to a point, like rays in a burning glass, +they glowed, they burnt with the intensest heat; the springs of +pleasure were, in short, wound up to such a pitch, I panted now with so +exquisitely keen an appetite for the eminent enjoyment, that I was even +sick with desire, and unequal to support the combination of two distinct +ideas, that delightfully distracted me: for all the thought I was +capable of, was that I was now in touch, at once, with the instrument +of pleasure, and the great seal of love. Ideas that, mingling streams, +poured such an ocean of intoxicating bliss on a weak vessel, all too +narrow to contain it, that I lay overwhelmed, absorbed, lost in an abyss +of joy, and dying of nothing but immoderate delight. + +Charles then roused me somewhat out of this extatic distraction, with +a complaint softly murmured, amidst a crowd of kisses, at the position, +not so favourable to his desires, in which I received his urgent +insistance for admission, where that insistance was alone so engrossing +a pleasure, that it made me inconsistently suffer a much dearer one to +be kept out; but how sweet to correct such a mistake! My thighs, now +obedient to the intimations of love and nature, gladly disclose, and +with a ready submission, resign up the soft gateway to the entrance of +pleasure: I see, I feel the delicious velvet tip!... he enters me might +and main, with... oh! my pen drops from here in the extasy now present +to my faithful memory! Description too deserts me, and delivers over a +task, above its strength of wing, to the imagination: but it must be an +imagination exalted by such a flame as mine that can do justice to that +sweetest, noblest of all sensations, that hailed and accompanied +the stiff insinuation all the way up, till it was at the end of its +penetration, sending up, through my eyes, the sparks of the love-fire +that ran all over me and blazed in every vein and every pore of me; a +system incarnate of joy all over. + +I had now totally taken in love's true arrow from the point up to +the feather, in that part, where making no new wound, the lips or the +original one of nature, which had owed its first breathing to this dear +instrument, clung, as if sensible of gratitude, in eager suction round +it, whilst all its inwards embraced it tenderly, with a warmth of gust, +a compressive energy, that gave it, in its way, the heartiest welcome +in nature; every fibre there gathering tight round it, and straining +ambitiously to come in for its share of the blissful touch. + +As we were giving them a few moments pause to the the delectations of +the senses, in dwelling with the highest relish on this intimatest point +of re-union, and chewing the cud of enjoyment, the impatience natural to +the pleasure soon drove us into action. Then began the driving tumult +on his side, and the responsive heaves on mine, which kept me up to +him; whilst, as our joys grew too great for utterance, the organs of +our voices, voluptuously intermixing, became organs of the touch... how +delicious!... how poignantly luscious!... And now! now I felt, to the +heart of me! I felt the prodigious keen edge, with which love, presiding +over this act, points the pleasure: love! that may be styled the Attic +salt of enjoyment; and indeed, without it, the joy, great as it is, +is still a vulgar one, whether in a king or a beggar; for it is, +undoubtedly, love alone that refines, ennobles, and exalts it. + +Thus, happy, then, by the heart, happy by the senses, it was beyond all +power, even of thought, to form the conception of a greater delight than +what I now am consummating the fruition of. + +Charles, whose whole frame was convulsed with the agitation of his +rapture, whilst the tenderest fires trembled in his eyes, all assured me +of a perfect concord of joy, penetrated me so profoundly, touched me +so vitally, took me so much out of my own possession, whilst he seemed +himself so much in mine, that in a delicious enthusiasm, I imagined such +a transfusion of heart and spirit, as that coalescing, and making one +body and soul with him, I was he, and he me. + +But all this pleasure tending, like life from its first instants, +towards its own dissolution, lived too fast not to bring on upon the +spur its delicious moment of mortality; for presently the approach +of the tender agony discovered itself by its usual signals, that were +quickly followed by my dear lover's emanation of himself, that spun out, +and shot, feelingly indeed! up the ravished indraught: where the sweetly +soothing balmy titillation opened all the juices of joy on my side, +which extatic-ally in flow helped to allay the prurient glow, and +drowned our pleasure for a while. Soon, however, to be on float +again! for Charles, true to nature's laws, in one breath, expiring +and ejaculating, languished not long in the dissolving trance, but +recovering spirit again, soon gave me to feel that the true mettle +spring! of his instrument of pleasure, were, by love, and perhaps, by a +long vacation, wound up too high to be let down by a single explosion: +his stiffnesss till stood my friend. Resuming then the action afresh, +without dislodging, or giving me the trouble of parting from my sweet +tenant, we played over again the same opera, with the same harmony and +concert: our ardours, like our love, knew no remission; and all the +tide serving my lover, lavish of his stores, and pleasure-milked, he +over-flowed me once more from the fulness of his oval reservoirs of the +genial emulsion: whilst, on my side, a convulsive grasp, in the +instant of my giving down the liquid contribution, rendered me sweetly +subservient at once to the increase of joy, and to its effusions: +moving me so, as to make me exert all those springs of the compressive +exsuction, with which the sensitive mechanism of that part thirstily +draws and drains the nipple of Love; with much such an instinctive +eagerness and attachment, as to compare great with less, kind nature +engages infants at the breasts, by the pleasure they find in the motion +of their little mouths and cheeks, to extract the milky stream prepared +for their nourishment. + +But still there was no end of his vigour: this double discharge had so +far from extinguished his desires, for that time, that it had not even +calmed them; and at his age, desires are power. He was proceeding then +amazingly to push it to a third triumph, still without uncasing, if a +tenderness, natural to true love, had not inspired me with self-denial +enough to spare, and not over-strain him: and accordingly, entreating +him to give himself and me quarter, I obtained, at length, a short +suspension of arms, but not before he had exult-ingly satisfied me that +he gave out standing. + +The remainder of the night, with what we borrowed upon the day, we +employed with unwearied fervour in celebrating thus the festival of our +remeeting; and got up pretty late in the morning, gay, brisk and alert, +though rest had been a stranger to us: but the pleasures of love had +been to us, what the joy of victory is to an army: repose, refreshment, +every thing. + +The journey into the country being now entirely out of the question, and +orders having been given overnight for turning the horses' heads towards +London, we left the inn as soon as we had breakfasted, not without a +liberal distribution of the tokens of my grateful sense of the happiness +I had met with in it. + +Charles and I were in my coach; the captain and my companion in a chaise +hired purposely for them, to leave us the conveniency of a tete a tete. + +Here, on the road, as the tumult of my senses was tolerably composed, I +had command enough of head to break properly to his the course of life +that the consequences of my separation from him had driven me into: +which, at the same time that he tenderly deplored with me, he was the +less shocked at; as, on reflecting how he had left me circumstances, he +could not be entirely unprepared for it. + +But when I opened the state of my fortune to him, and with that +sincerity which, from me to him, was so much a nature in me, I beged +of him his acceptance of it, on his own terms. I should appear to you +perhaps too partial to my passion, were I to attempt the doing his +delicacy justice, I shall content myself then with assuring you, that +after his flatly refusing the unreserved, unconditional donation that I +long persecuted him in vain to accept, it was at length, in obedience to +his serious commands (for I stood out unaffectedly, till he exerted the +sovereign authority which love had given him over me), that I yielded my +consent to waive the remonstrance I did not fail of making strongly +to him, against his degrading himself, and incurring the reflection, +however unjust, of having, for respects of fortune, bartered his honour +for infamy and prostitution, in making one his wife, who thought herself +too much honoured in being but his mistress. + +The plea of love then over-ruling all objections, for him, which he +could not but read the sincerity of in a heart ever open to him, obliged +me to receive his hand, by which means I was in pass, among other +innumerable blessings, to bestow a legal parentage on those fine +children you have seen by this happiest of matches. + +Thus, at length, I got snug into port, where, in the bosom of virtue, I +gathered the only uncorrupt sweets: where, looking back on the course +of vice I had run, and comparing its infamous blandishments with the +infinitely superior joys of innocence, I could not help pitying, even in +point of taste, those who, immersed in gross sensuality, are insensible +to the so delicate charms of VIRTUE, than which even PLEASURE has not +a greater friend, nor VICE a greater enemy. Thus temperance makes men +lords over those pleasures that intemperance enslaves them to: the +one, parent of health, vigour fertility cheerfulness, and every other +desirable good of life; the other, of diseases, debility, barrenness, +self-loathing, with only every evil incident to human nature. + +You laugh, perhaps, at this tail-piece of morality, extracted from me by +the force of truth, resulting from compared experiences: you think +it, no doubt, out of character; possibly too you may look on it as the +paultry finesse of one who seeks to mask a devotee to vice under a rag +of a veil, impudently smuggled from the shrine of Virtue: just as if one +was to fancy one's self completely disguised at a masquerade, with no +other change of dress than turning one's shoes into slippers; or, as if +a writer should think to shield a treasonable libel, by concluding it +with a formal prayer for the King. But, independent of my flattering +myself that you have a juster opinion of my sense and sincerity, give +me leave to represent to you, that such a supposition is even more +injurious to Virtue than to me: since, consistently with candour and +good nature, it san have no foundation but in the falsest of fears, that +its pleasures cannot stand in comparison with those of Vice; but let +truth dare to hold it up in its most alluring light: then mark, how +spurious, how low of taste, how comparatively inferior its joys are to +those which Virtue gives sanction to, and whose sentiments are not above +making even a sauce for the senses, but a sauce of the highest relish; +whilst Vices are the harpies that infect and foul the feast. The paths +of Vice are sometimes strewed with roses, but then they are for ever +infamous for many a thorn, for many a cankerworm: those of Virtue are +strewed with roses purely, and those eternally unfading ones. + +If you do me then justice, you will esteem me perfectly consistent in +the incense I burn to Virtue. If I have painted Vice in all its gayest +colours, if I have decked it with flowers, it has been solely in order +to make the worthier, the solemner sacrifice of it to Virtue. + +You know Mr. C*** O***, you know his estate, his worth, and good sense: +can you, will you pronounce it ill meant, at least of him, when anxious +for his son's morals, with a view to form him to virtue, and inspire him +with a fixed, a rational contempt for vice, he condescended to be his +master of the ceremonies, and led him by the hand through the most noted +bawdy-houses in town, where he took care he should be familiarized with +all those scenes of debauchery, so fit to nauseate a good taste? The +experiment, you will cry, is dangerous. True, on a fool: but are fools +worth so much attention. + +I shall see you soon, and in the mean time think candidly of me, and +believe me ever, + +MADAM, Yours, etc., etc., etc. X X X. + + + THE END + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Memoirs Of Fanny Hill, by John Cleland + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MEMOIRS OF FANNY HILL *** + +***** This file should be named 25305.txt or 25305.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/5/3/0/25305/ + +Produced by a Project Gutenberg Volunteer + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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