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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 147,
+July 22, 1914, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 147, July 22, 1914
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: April 5, 2008 [EBook #24992]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, JULY 22, 191PUNCH, CHARIVARI, JULY 22, 1914 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Neville Allen, Hagay Giller, Malcolm Farmer
+and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at
+https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+  PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+  VOL. 147.
+
+  July 22, 1914.
+
+
+
+
+
+  CHARIVARIA.
+
+
+Those who deny that Mr. LLOYD GEORGE is ruining land-owners will perhaps
+be impressed by the following advertisement in _The Bazaar, Exchange and
+Mart_:--
+
+     "To be sold, small holding, well stocked with fruit trees, good
+     double tenement house on good road and close to station, good outer
+     buildings. Price, Four Marks, Alton, Hunts."
+
+The fact that the price should be translated into German looks
+unpleasantly like an attempt to entrap an ignorant foreigner.
+
+       * * *
+
+Meanwhile it looks as if the Socialist ideal of driving our landed
+gentry into the workhouse is already being realised. The Abergavenny
+Board of Guardians, we read, has decided to accept an offer by Lord
+ABERGAVENNY to purchase the local workhouse for £3,000.
+
+       * * *
+
+Three of the new peers have now chosen their titles. Sir EDGAR VINCENT
+becomes Baron d'ABERNON; Major-General BROCKLEHURST, Baron RANKSBOROUGH,
+and Sir EDWARD LYELL, Baron LYELL. Rather lazy of Sir EDWARD.
+
+       * * *
+
+A lioness which escaped from a circus at Bourg-en-Brasse, France, the
+other day, was killed, and a gendarme in the hunting party was shot in
+the leg. As the lioness was not armed it is thought that the gendarme
+must have been shot by one of the party.
+
+       * * *
+
+It is frequently said that, if the Suffragettes were to drop their
+militant tactics, the suffrage would be granted to-morrow. A Suffragette
+now writes to stigmatise this as a hypocritical mis-statement. She
+points out that recently the experiment was tried of allowing an entire
+day to pass without an outrage, but not a single vote was granted.
+
+       * * *
+
+Dr. HANS FRIEDENTHAL, a well-known Professor of Berlin University,
+declares that, as a result of the higher education, women will in the
+near future be totally bald, and will wear patriarchal beards and long
+moustaches. They will then, no doubt, get the vote by threatening that,
+unless their wishes are granted, they will kiss every man they meet at
+sight.
+
+       * * *
+
+Portsmouth Town Council has carried, by eleven votes to nine, a Labour
+amendment refusing to place official guide-books to Pretoria in the
+public library unless the nine deportees are allowed to return to South
+Africa. General BOTHA could hardly have foreseen this result of his
+action, and it will be interesting to see what happens now.
+
+       * * *
+
+    "POISON AFTER A DUCK'S EGG."
+
+    _Evening News._
+
+Our cricketers would seem to be getting absurdly sensitive. This is
+scarcely the way to brighten the game.
+
+       * * *
+
+The Guildhall Art Gallery is to be rebuilt. Some of the pictures there
+might be at the same time re-painted with advantage.
+
+       * * *
+
+Apparently the Moody of the Moody-Manners Opera Company is gaining the
+upper hand. This Company opened its London season with _The Dance of
+Death_.
+
+       * * *
+
+The appearance in Bond Street last week of a lady leading a little pig
+instead of a dog as a pet is being widely discussed in canine circles,
+though it has not yet been decided what action, if any, shall be taken.
+In view of the fact that so many dogs are pigs it is possible that no
+objection will be raised to one pig being a dog.
+
+       * * *
+
+By the way, _The Daily Chronicle_ was not quite correct when, in
+describing the recent "Dog Feast," in which the Shepherds Bush Indians
+were alleged to have participated, it used the expression "pow-wow."
+Owing to the action of the Canine Defence League a sheep was roasted and
+not a pow-wow.
+
+       * * *
+
+A motor-bus ran into a barber's shop in Gray's Inn Road last week, and
+three customers had a close shave.
+
+       * * *
+
+Some burglars recently blew open with gelignite the safe of a Holborn
+jeweller containing £1,000 worth of gems, and, as the jewels are
+missing, the police incline to the view that the object of the men must
+have been robbery.
+
+       * * *
+
+Asked by _The Express_ for a suggestion for a motto for the L.C.C., Mr.
+H. DE VERE STACPOOLE sent the reply, "My word is sovereign." It is good
+to know that this delightful writer can command an even higher rate of
+pay than did Mr. RUDYARD KIPLING at the height of his popularity.
+
+       * * *
+
+_The Daily Herald_ informs us that the Russian monk, RASPUTIN, "started
+life as an illiterate peasant." But, we would ask, is there really
+anything remarkable in this? We believe that the number of persons who
+have been born literate is extremely small.
+
+       * * *
+
+Says an advertisement in _T.P.'s Weekly_:--"Reader receives
+guests--Leigh-on-Sea, facing sea, minute cliffs." It is honourable of
+the advertiser to mention the minuteness of the cliffs. This is, we
+fear, a characteristic of the Essex coast.
+
+       * * *
+
+Among "Businesses for Sale" in _The Daily Chronicle_, we come across
+what looks like an ugly example of military venality:--"GENERAL for
+Sale, taking £16 a week; going cheap."
+
+       * * *
+
+Finally, we have the pleasure to award first honorary prize in our
+Pathetic Advertisement Competition to the following--also from _The
+Daily Chronicle_:--
+
+     "Fish (Fried) and Chips for Sale, owing to wife's illness: only one
+     in neighbourhood."
+
+We trust that the advertiser's addiction to monogamy is not confined to
+the neighbourhood.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: WE UNDERSTAND THAT, IN VIEW OF THE POPULAR REVIVAL OF
+BOXING, DR. STRAUSS HAS BEEN COMMISSIONED TO WRITE A GRAND OPERA ROUND
+THE NOBLE ART. THE ABOVE REPRESENTS THE FINALE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OXFORD IN TRANSITION.
+
+INTERVIEW WITH A FAMOUS PORTER.
+
+(_BY HAROLD BEGTHWAYT._)
+
+
+Hearing from an undergraduate friend at Cardinal College of the
+impending retirement of Mr. Chumbleton ("Old Chum"), the famous porter
+of Salisbury Gate, I gladly seized the opportunity of running down to
+Oxford to gain some fresh sidelights on the inner life of the
+University. Cardinal College, unlike Balliol, Magdalen and New College,
+has never shown itself responsive to the new spirit. There are probably
+fewer Socialists in Peckover than in any other quad in Oxford. The old
+feudal traditions, though somewhat mitigated, still survive. You still
+hear the characteristic Mayfair accent and recognise a curious lack of
+that Moral Uplift without which, as Sir ROBERTSON NICOLL finely says, a
+man is no better than a mummy. And yet I own to having been strangely
+attracted by these well-groomed scions of a vanishing breed, with their
+finely chiselled features, their clipped colloquialisms and their
+cheerful arrogance. There is something engaging as well as pathetic in
+these unruffled countenances, blind to the realities of modern life and
+the need of that fraternal fellowship which alone can bring peace to the
+head that wears a crown or a coronet.
+
+Mr. Chumbleton, who was just going off duty when I arrived, cordially
+invited me into his inner sanctum and offered me a glass of gin and
+green Chartreuse, the favourite beverage, he assured me, of the late
+Duke of Midhurst, whose scout he had been in the "seventies." Of that
+strange and meteoric figure, who was subsequently devoured by a
+crocodile on the Blue Nile, Mr. Chumbleton spoke with genuine affection.
+"He was something like a Dook," said the old man, "and not one of your
+barley-water-drinking faddists. Yes, in those days a Dook was a Dook and
+not a cock-shy for demigods [? demagogues]. I can remember," he went on,
+"when there were three Dooks in residence at the same time, the Dook of
+Midhurst, the Dook of St. Ives and the Dook of Clumber. But the Dook of
+Midhurst was the pick of the bunch. Why, once he went into a grocer's
+shop in the High and asked for two pounds of treacle. 'How will you have
+it?' asked the grocer, who was the baldest-headed man I ever seen. 'In
+my hat,' said the Dook, whipping off his bowler and holding it out. As
+soon as it was full, before you could say Jack Robinson, he popped it on
+the grocer's head and ran out of the shop."
+
+The old man told this terrible story, which reminded me of the worst
+cruelties of the despots of the Italian Renaissance, with a gusto that
+was inexpressibly painful. When he had finished I asked whether the Duke
+was sent down. "Oh, no, Sir," was the prompt response. "You see the
+grocer, being a bald-headed man, had no trouble with the treacle, and,
+besides, the Dook he gave him a wig next day. But if anyone was to do
+that to-day, Dook or no Dook, there'd be questions asked about it in the
+House of Commons, or a Royal Commission would be appointed. Times is
+changed," he went on sadly, "and there ain't any more of the old stock
+left. Why, the Bullingdon Club got three First Classes this year, and as
+for breaking up furniture and bonfires in the quad it don't happen once
+in three years. 'Nuts' they call 'em now, but when I was a young scout
+they called 'em 'dogs,' and gay dogs they were, I can tell you. 'Bloods'
+they call 'em, too, but there ain't much blue blood in these modern
+Blutocrats."
+
+I asked Mr. Chumbleton if there were any signs of Cardinal College being
+affected by the new Moral Uplift, but he seemed unable to fathom the
+meaning of my query. His standpoint was clearly philistine and, I regret
+to say, distinctly pagan. He had never heard of the Land Campaign, or of
+Mr. HEMMERDE, Baron DE FOREST or even Mr. HAROLD BEGBIE. His attitude
+towards Mr. LLOYD GEORGE was unsympathetic. He deplored the popularity
+of motor-bicycles, but, with a strange and lamentable perversity,
+welcomed the advent of the motor-'bus while condemning the introduction
+of trams.
+
+I came away more than ever impressed by the tenacity of feudal
+traditions, and the need of redoubled efforts on the part of all Radical
+stalwarts to convert the older universities from hotbeds of expensive
+obscurantism into free nurseries of humanitarian democracy. It was sad
+to see such a figure as that of Mr. Chumbleton, genial and hospitable, I
+admit, but utterly heedless of the trend of the times, hopelessly
+ignorant of the Progressive program, and deriving a senile satisfaction
+from memories of a barbarous and brutal past.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Painting the Lily.
+
+     "White duck trousers in a snow-white grey material."--_Advt. in
+     "Daily Province" (Vancouver)._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From _The Daily Mirror's_ account of the SMITH-CARPENTIER fight:--
+
+     "One French girl was so excited that she bit a large hope in her
+     fan."
+
+Not a _white_ hope, we trust.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SINECURE.
+
+     [In _The Daily Mail's_ list of Situations Vacant, such as
+     Housemaids (Hmds), Between-maids (Bmds), Working Housekeepers
+     (Wkghkprs) and Cook Generals (Ckgns), appears the
+     following:--"Young Lady wanted for cinema acting. Fullest
+     particulars to Box No. --."]
+
+    Said she, "_The Daily Mail_ ensures
+      Immediate supply.
+    Whose situation's vacant? Yours.
+      Who's going to fill it? I.
+
+    "If you shall ask me, can I act?
+      I readily retort,
+    I'm just the Star you want; in fact
+      The strong and silent sort.
+
+    "The sooner you reveal the plot
+      The sooner I begin.
+    In me, I beg to state, you've got
+      The perfect Heroine."
+
+    Said they--"De Vere's a villain who
+      For reasons not disclosed
+    Desires to make an end of you ..."
+      ("The cad!" she interposed).
+
+    "... He ties you to a railway line
+      That so the Leeds express
+    May execute his fell design
+      With speed and thoroughness.
+
+    "But Herbert's heroism's such,
+      He swears this shall not be.
+    You see, he loves you very much ..."
+      ("I guessed he would," said she).
+
+    "... He hires a rapid motor car,
+      He also buys a map;
+    He knows how fast expresses are,
+      And notes the handicap.
+
+    "But, as he is a man of parts
+      And born to play the game,
+    Without delay the hero starts ..."
+      We'd better do the same.
+
+    They chose a quiet neighbourhood,
+      A lonely piece of track;
+    They trusted that the metals would
+      Not incommode her back.
+
+    "This is De Vere," they said, "whose hand
+      Will tie you firmly down.
+    Meanwhile your Herb, we understand,
+      Is on his way from town.
+
+    "We do not, though one can't be sure.
+      Anticipate the worst;
+    Expresses may be premature;
+      Still, Herbert _should_ be first.
+
+    "Such realism must excite
+      The audience (and you) ...
+    If you are ready we are quite;
+      Your train will soon be due."
+
+          *       *       *
+
+    She formed a resolution, viz.,
+      To put no trust in men,
+    But hire herself to mistresses,
+      A whole, if humble, ckgn.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: AT DURAZZO-SUPER-MARE.
+
+MPRET. "I DON'T FEEL AT ALL COMFORTABLE HERE. ISN'T IT ABOUT TIME YOU
+TOOK ME OUT OF THIS?"
+
+EUROPA (_sleepily_). "MPRAPS"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: "LOOK, ETHEL, LOOK--THERE GOES SIR BEERBOHM ALEXANDER!"
+
+"SO IT IS; BUT HOW UNLIKE!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ONCE UPON A TIME.
+
+TRANSMIGRATION.
+
+
+Once upon a time there was an ostrich who, though very ostrichy, was
+even more of an egoist. He thought only of himself. That is not a foible
+peculiar to ostriches, but this particular fowl--and he was very
+particular--was notable for it. "Where do I come in?" was a question
+written all over him--from his ridiculous and inadequate head, down his
+long neck, on his plump fluffy body, and so to his exceedingly flat and
+over-sized feet.
+
+It was in Afric's burning sand--to be precise, at the Cape--that, on the
+approach of danger, the ostrich secreted his self-centred head, and here
+from time to time his plumes were plucked from him for purposes of
+trade.
+
+Now it happened that in London there was a theatre given up to a season
+of foreign opera, and, this theatre having been built by one of those
+gifted geniuses so common among theatre architects, it followed that the
+balcony (into which, of course, neither the architect nor the manager
+for whom it was built had ever strayed) contained a number of seats from
+which no view of the stage was visible at all--unless one stood up, and
+then the people behind were deprived of their view. This, of course,
+means nothing to architects or managers. The thought that jolly
+anticipatory parties of simple folk bent upon a happy evening may be
+depressed and dashed by a position suffering from such disabilities
+could not concern architects and managers, for some imagination would be
+needed to understand it.
+
+The new temporary management, however (whatever the ordinary management
+might do), recognising the rights of the spectator, refrained from
+selling any seats from which no view whatever could be obtained and
+behaved very well about it--as perhaps one has to do when half-a-guinea
+is charged for each seat; but with the border-line seats which they did
+sell--those on the confines of the possible area--a view of the stage
+was only partial and so much a matter of touch-and-go that any undue
+craning of the neck or moving of the head sideways at once interrupted
+the line of vision of many worthy folk at the back; while anyone leaning
+too far forward from a seat in the front row could instantly, for many
+others, obliterate the whole stage.
+
+It happened that on a certain very hot night in July a fat lady in one
+of the front seats not only leaned forward but fanned herself
+intermittently with a large fan.
+
+Now and then one of the unfortunate half-guinea seat-holders behind her
+in the debatable territory remonstrated gently and politely, remarking
+on the privation her fan was causing to others, and each time the lady
+smiled and said she was very sorry and put the fan down; but in two
+minutes she was fluttering it again as hard as ever, and not a vestige
+of the Pentateuchal caperings or whatever was going forward could be
+discerned in her vicinity.
+
+She meant well, poor lady; but it was very hot, and how could she help
+it when her fan was made of that particular ostrich's feathers?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Methods of sowing, reaping, watering, and thrashing have been
+     passed down from father to son through countless generations."
+
+     _Chronicle of London Missionary Society._
+
+Of thrashing, anyhow.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "The feature of the Keswick valley is its spacious width of
+     skyscrape."--_L.& N.W.R. Guide to the English Lakes._
+
+In this respect New York is its only serious rival.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MY TROUSSEAU.
+
+
+Having been a bachelor from my earliest youth I suppose I ought to be
+accustomed to the condition; but the fact remains that I miss
+something--something which only a wedding supplies.
+
+Curiously enough this want is not a wife. I have been without one so
+long that I should not know what to do with her if I had one. I should
+probably overlook her, and she would become atrophied or die of neglect
+or thirst. Neither do I crave a home of my own; nor golden-haired
+children to climb up my knee. I can do without these accessories.
+
+But what I do hunger for and what I _will_ have is a trousseau. Why the
+acquisition of a trousseau should be a purely feminine prerogative I
+have never been able to understand. A bride without a trousseau is
+generally regarded as an incomplete thing--a poached-egg without toast;
+a salad without dressing. But the bridegroom without a trousseau is a
+recognised institution. True, he has new clothes, both seen and unseen,
+but this is not a trousseau; it is merely a "replenishment of his
+wardrobe." His least disreputable old things are "made to do"; and
+nobody thinks slightingly of him if he attends his wedding in a
+re-cuffed shirt or in boots that have been re-soled. A girl, however,
+would as soon think of entering Paradise with a second-hand halo as she
+would contemplate being married in anything that was not aggressively
+new.
+
+Thus it is that before my wish can be consummated I have two honoured
+conventions to defy: that only a girl may possess a trousseau, and that
+a marriage is a necessary condition to the acquiring of it. Fortunately
+I am strong-minded. A long course of Mrs. HUMPHRY WARD'S homilies has
+given me no little facility in achieving this attribute, and I am
+determined that I will change neither my sex nor my status.
+
+Now, I have prepared a list, just as--I suppose--every girl does. In the
+first place I am going to indulge in the hitherto undreamt-of luxury of
+a surfeit of dress-shirts. No one who has not experienced life on two
+dress-shirts--one in wear, the other in the wash--can quite understand
+what this will mean to me. Men like Sir JOSEPH BEECHAM, Mr.
+MALLABY-DEELEY, Mr. SOLLY JOEL, Lord HOWARD DE WALDEN, and others, who,
+I daresay, have four or even five, cannot know what it is to feel that
+their evening's refreshment and entertainment depend on their finding
+the French chalk or the india-rubber.
+
+Therefore I am making no stint in this matter. I am having fifteen
+dress-shirts, so that there may be one for wear each day in the week,
+seven in the laundry, and one over for emergencies--like _Parsifal_,
+that begins in the middle of the afternoon. I mean to be similarly
+lavish in the matter of collars and handkerchiefs. The number of the
+former which I am buying amounts almost to an epidemic; while the extent
+of my commission in the latter is the result of lessons learnt in the
+hard school of experience. I say unhesitatingly that the man who tries
+to get through life on a mere dozen handkerchiefs is simply begging
+for disaster, as, however methodical in their use he may be, a
+carelessly-caught cold may any day upset his reckoning and leave him at
+a loose end; sometimes scarcely that. Hence I am doing this part of my
+trousseau in princely fashion. I am having half a gross of them.
+
+Then there is my slumber-wear. For years I have hungered for silk ones,
+but have had no conscientious excuse for appeasing my appetite. To buy
+silk pyjamas in cold blood has hitherto seemed to me to be sheer cynical
+extravagance; but now I feel that circumstances justify me in my action,
+for it would be a very sorry thing for me to encounter a burglar or cope
+with a fire clad in apparel that would not be up to the standard of the
+rest of my wardrobe.
+
+Now, I am a great believer in dressing for the spirit of the moment;
+therefore I have resolved upon a pretty colour-scheme for my night-wear.
+My pyjamas are to be of tints conducive to refreshing rest, namely and
+severally white, lemon, light pink, and pale green--an idea which I
+candidly confess was inspired by the spectacle of a Neapolitan ice. If
+you think that this is merely an idle whim, just imagine endeavouring to
+sleep in pyjamas patterned like an Axminster carpet or a Scotch tartan.
+No wonder _Macbeth_ "murdered sleep" if he was arrayed in garments of
+his club-colours!
+
+I have brought the same ęsthetic sense to bear upon my choice of ties
+and socks: greys and blacks for times of grave political crises; fawn,
+buff, pearl, moose--I am not sure that this is a colour, but it sounds
+quite possible--for brighter hours; and colours familiar to every
+student of spectroscopy for halcyon days of rejoicing--the opening of
+the Royal Academy, the Handel Festival, the return of HARRY LAUDER, or
+the elevation of Mr. BERNARD SHAW to the peerage.
+
+As for externals, suffice it to say that they will be _en suite_, and
+that I intend to introduce just a little touch of originality into my
+trousers. I am going to have them made with spats sewn to the leg-ends
+in order to save time and trouble in dressing.
+
+In short, I have forgotten nothing, except spare studs, and I think it
+is quite likely that I shall remember them too in course of time. I have
+even gone so far as to fix a day for a dress rehearsal. But first I
+shall invite my friends, as is the way with brides-elect, to a private
+view of my trousseau, when they shall see all of it spread upon the
+coverlet of my bed, over the backs of my chairs, or hanging in serried
+ranks in my wardrobe.
+
+And now nothing more remains to be done but to raise the necessary
+funds, and with this object in view I have instructed my broker to draw
+my money out of the Savings Bank. I am expecting a postal-order almost
+any moment.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Yokel._ "'OW FAST CAN SHE TRAVEL, MASTER?"
+
+_Owner._ "FIFTY MILES AN HOUR, MY MAN--EVEN SIXTY IF I CARE TO PUSH
+HER."
+
+_Yokel._ "AN' 'OW MANY IF YE BOTH SHOVE?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "'Anna virumque cano' was the burden of the charge the Chief
+     Secretary had to meet, and it sorely embarrassed the dear
+     gentleman."--_Liverpool Courier._
+
+Who is "ANNA"? We hope Mr. BIRRELL is not mixed up in a scandal.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: AN IMPALPABLE FLAME.
+
+_Claude._ "WHAT ARE YOU WAITIN' HERE FOR, OLD THING?"
+
+_Cuthbert._ "TO GIVE THESE FLOWERS AND CHOCOLATES TO THAT STUNNING
+LITTLE GIRL IN 'THE DEATH KISS OF DEADMAN'S GULCH.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE AWAKENING
+
+(_A Little Romance of the Restaurant-Car_).
+
+
+    Is there a sight so soothing to the brain
+      As England's outlines green and softly curved,
+    Visions of wooded slope and fertile plain
+    Seen by the traveller in a dining-train,
+    No doubts to vex him and no talk to strain,
+      His seat, his chance companion, both reserved?
+
+    I think not. Yet the rather stoutish man
+      Who never raised his head but chewed and chewed
+    Annoyed me as I feasted. I began
+    To deem him one who had no higher plan,
+    No larger outlook in life's journeyings, than
+      Resonant demolition of his food.
+
+    I longed to point to him the hedges twined
+      With starry blossoms, and the coats like silk
+    Of oxen as they wandered unconfined;
+    I longed to ask him if his heavier mind
+    Preferred the cattle of more stedfast kind
+      Stamped with advertisements of malted milk.
+
+    The little red-brick hamlets, poised apart,
+      And all the grandeur of the rolling leas,
+    I longed to ask him if they brought no smart
+    Of scarce-remembered boyhood to his heart.
+    But I refrained; and he took cherry tart
+      And after that two different kinds of cheese.
+
+    And then we neared a little market town
+      Half hidden in the dale, that seemed to cling
+    Fondly about a church of old renown;
+    And here the fat man started and looked down
+    And filled his tumbler to the foaming crown
+      And held it high as if to pledge the KING.
+
+    Some memory seemed to stir within his breast
+      As though the curtain of old days were torn,
+    And, as he drained the glass with eager zest,
+    "Behold," I thought, "I wronged him. In that nest,
+    So far from turmoil, full of old-world rest
+      (He is about to tell me), he was born.
+
+    "And now, before the antique spire hath fled,
+      Because remembrance of his home is dear,
+    He toasts it deeply." All my wrath was dead.
+    Then the man smiled at me and wagged his head;
+    "Junction for Little Barleythorpe," he said;
+      "A week ago these points upset my beer."
+
+    EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN UNPLAYED MASTERPIECE.
+
+
+[The growing popularity of the one-Act play has prompted the aphorism
+that what is required in this class of drama is a "maximum of action
+with a minimum of explanation." Nevertheless the following effort has
+been rejected by every Manager in London--a fact which decisively
+answers the oft-repeated question, "Do Managers read plays?"]
+
+SCENE--_A luxuriously furnished room in the flat of_ Violet Hazelwood.
+Violet _is seated, writing. The telephone on the table rings noisily._
+
+_Violet_ (_picking up the receiver_). Hello! Yes.... It's me.... Oh,
+it's Reggie.... Yes, I'm at home to you.... In three minutes?... Right,
+I shall be here. (_Hangs up receiver._)
+
+_Maid_ (_entering suddenly_). Sir Frank Bulkeley, m'm. (_Goes out and_
+Sir Frank _enters._)
+
+_Sir Frank._ My dear Violet---- (_A report is heard and a splintering of
+glass._) Confound it all, I'm shot! (_Falls on floor._)
+
+_Violet._ Yes, he certainly appears to be shot. I'd better go and see
+the police about it. (_Goes out._)
+
+_Reggie Fortescue_ (_entering precipitately_). Violet.... (_Looking
+round in perplexity_). Not here! She said she would be here.... She is
+false to me. False! I have nothing left to live for. (_Takes out a
+revolver, shoots himself and falls on the floor._)
+
+_Gerald Maristowe_ (_entering cautiously through the window and carrying
+a rifle_). This is a devil of a risky business, this rifle practice, but
+Ulster must be saved somehow. I see I've broken the window. Wonder if
+I've done any other damage. (_Sees_ Sir Frank.) Gee! I've killed a man!
+(_Sees_ Reggie.) Oh, glory! I've killed two of 'em! Reggie, too, by all
+that's rum! I say, you know, that's pretty useful shooting.... Still, it
+probably means hanging, and I'm--er--hanged if I'll be hanged. Let me
+rather die by my own hand. (_Discharges rifle at himself, and falls on
+floor._)
+
+_Violet_ (_re-entering with an Inspector and a Constable_). There he is,
+Inspector. (_Sees_ Gerald.) My goodness, there seem to be two now! I
+feel sure.... (_Sees_ Reggie.) _Three!_ Really, Inspector, I feel almost
+certain that when I left.... Oh, it's Reggie! My heart is broken!
+(_Faints._)
+
+_Inspector._ Stand back, Clarkson; this job requires thought. (_Takes up
+telephone receiver._) Circus 20634, Miss.... That you Doc.? Come round
+at once, please.... Two or three men shot.... Right.... (_Hangs up
+receiver._) Clarkson, measure the exact distance between each corpse and
+the window. (Clarkson _proceeds to do so._ _Enter_ Doctor.) Ah, Doc.,
+that's the little job I mentioned.
+
+_Doctor_ (_kneeling by_ Violet). This one isn't shot; she's only
+fainted. She'll be all right in a minute. (_Examines_ Gerald.) Nor is
+this one. _He_'ll be all right in a minute. (_Examines_ Reggie.) Nor is
+this one. _He_'ll be all right in a minute. (_Examines_ Sir Frank.) This
+one is, though. Dead as a door-nail. (Violet, Reggie _and_ Gerald _rise
+simultaneously to their feet._) There you are! I told you so.
+
+_Gerald_ (_aside_). Missed!
+
+_Reggie_ (_aside_). Missed! (_Aloud_) Violet, I love you!
+
+_Violet._ I'm _so_ glad, because I love you.
+
+_Reggie_ (_confidentially_). Do you know, I really thought I was dead.
+Hello, Gerald, old son, what are you doing here?
+
+_Gerald._ Oh, I thought I'd sort of look in, you know.
+
+_Inspector._ Violet Hazelwood, I arrest you for the murder of Sir Frank
+Bulkeley, Bart., and I warn you that anything you may say will be used
+in evidence against you. Clarkson, stop playing with that tape and
+handcuff the prisoner. (Clarkson _does so._)
+
+_Gerald_ (_aside_). Good business! That saves _my_ neck.
+
+_Violet._ But, my dear good soul.... However, I suppose it's no use to
+say anything. Reggie, I can never marry you now.
+
+_Reggie._ You couldn't in any case, my dear, because I haven't got any
+money.
+
+_Violet._ You forget that you are sole heir to Sir Frank there, who had
+fourteen thousand a year. _I_ thought of that at once.
+
+_Reggie._ Columbus! So I am. Well, that _is_ a dashed nuisance.
+
+_Gerald_ (_coming forward nobly_). My dear, dear friends, I cannot allow
+your happiness to be wrecked in this way. I killed Sir Frank! You can be
+married now.
+
+_Reggie._ Good egg! (_Embraces_ Violet.)
+
+_Inspector._ Gerald Maristowe, I arrest you for the murder of Sir Frank
+Bulkeley, Bart., and I warn you that anything you may say will be used
+in evidence against you.
+
+_Violet._ Oh, we must save him. What can we do?
+
+_Clarkson._ Lady, do you remember years ago giving sixpence to a
+starving boy in Peckham Rye?
+
+_Violet._ Yes.
+
+_Clarkson._ _I_ am--that is, _was_--that boy. I will save your friend.
+Inspector, you know that a reward of £10,000 is offered for the capture
+of the anarchist Mazzio?
+
+_Inspector._ Yes. I wish to heaven I could lay my hands on him.
+
+_Clarkson._ I can tell you how to do so.
+
+_Inspector._ How?
+
+_Clarkson_ (_dramatically tearing off his wig and false moustache_). I
+am Mazzio! (_Turning to_ Gerald _and the others_) I shall struggle
+violently. While he is engaged in arresting me, you can make good your
+escape.
+
+_Inspector._ Ha! Do you think I can be so easily baffled? (_Picking up
+telephone receiver._) There are other police in the neighbourhood.
+
+_Violet._ Not so. (_Slashes through the telephone cord with a knife_).
+
+_Gerald._ Bravo!
+
+_Inspector._ Oh, well, never mind. (_Puts his head out of the window and
+blows a police whistle. The others look at one another in
+consternation._) _Now_ I think I am master of the situation.
+
+_Clarkson._ Foiled! All the same, you are less fortunate than you
+imagine. When I said I was Mazzio, I lied.
+
+_Inspector._ Prove it.
+
+_Clarkson._ Easily. Mazzio has a scar on his left forearm. (_Rolling up
+sleeve._) I have none.
+
+_Inspector._ Oh, well, never mind. I can now proceed with the arrest of
+the murderer of Sir Frank Bulkeley, Bart.
+
+_Gerald_ (_aside_). I'm done for!
+
+_Clarkson._ There _must_ be some way of escape. Doc., it's up to you to
+do something.
+
+_Doctor._ With pleasure. I certify that Sir Frank died from heart
+disease.
+
+_Inspector_ (_stammering_). But--but--but he's _obviously_ shot. I mean
+to say----
+
+_Doctor._ I certify that Sir Frank Bulkeley died from heart disease ten
+seconds before the bullet struck him. You can do nothing in the face of
+my certificate.
+
+_Gerald, Reggie and Violet._ Saved!
+
+CURTAIN.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+This Wonderful World.
+
+     "A Hamburg bookkeeper named Schute who has just celebrated his 8th
+     birthday, has been with his employers for sixty years, while his
+     son, his grandson, and his great-grandson are also working for
+     them."
+
+     _The Evening News._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "During the last two years some marvellous 'finds' have been made
+     at this wonderful fortress from time to time. It is intended to
+     continue excavation work for a moth."
+
+     _Denbighshire Free Press._
+
+They can be caught much better with beer and treacle.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"LIBERAL MEMBER RESIGNS.
+
+WILL STAND AS INDEPENDENT.
+
+     London, Wednesday.--Mr. Joseph Martin, Liberal M.P. for East St.
+     Pancras, is resigning his seat, and will recontest it as an
+     independent South Pole under American auspices."--_Sydney Daily
+     Telegraph._
+
+Sir ERNEST SHACKLETON must look out.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _First Caddie._ "DOES IT MAKE YER DIZZY LOOKIN' DOWN
+THESE 'OLES?"
+
+_Second Caddie._ "No."
+
+_First Caddie._ "THEN WHY DON'T YOU GO TO THE PIN SOMETIMES?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FIRST TEE.
+
+(_Mullion, July 17th._)
+
+
+    It is the place, it is the place, my soul!
+      (Blow, bugle, blow; sing, triangle; toot, fife!)
+    Down to the sea the close-cropped pastures roll,
+    Couches behind yon sandy hill the goal
+      Whereat, it may be, after ceaseless strife
+    The "Colonel" shall find peace, and Henry say, "Your hole" ...
+
+        Caddie, give me my driver, caddie,
+          The sun shines hot, but there's half a breeze,
+        Enough to rustle the tree-tops, laddie,
+          Only supposing there were some trees;
+    The year's at the full and the morn's at eleven,
+    It's a wonderful day just straight from Heaven,
+    And this is a hole I can do in seven--
+                            Caddie, my driver, please.
+
+    Three times a day from now till Monday week
+      (Ten peerless days in all) I take my stand
+    Vestured in some _dégagé_ mode of breek
+    (The chess-board touch, with squares that almost speak),
+      And lightly sketch my Slice into the Sand,
+    As based on bigger men, but much of it unique ...
+
+        Caddie, give me my driver, caddie,
+          Note my style on the first few tees;
+        DUNCAN fashioned my wrist-work, laddie,
+          TAYLOR taught me to twist my knees;
+    I've a beautiful swing that I learnt from VARDON
+    (I practise it sometimes down the garden--
+    "My fault! Sorry! I _beg_ your pardon!")--
+                            Caddie, my driver, please.
+
+    Only ten little days, in which to do
+      So much! _E.g._, the twelfth: ah it was there
+    The Secretary met his Waterloo,
+    But perished gamely, playing twenty-two;
+      His clubs (_ten little days!_) lie bleaching where
+    Sea-poppies blow (_ten days!_) and wheeling sea-birds mew ...
+
+        Caddie, give me my driver, caddie,
+          Let us away with thoughts like these;
+        A week and a-half is a lifetime, laddie,
+          The day that's here is the day to seize;
+    _Carpe diem_--yes, that's the motto,
+    "Work be jiggered!" and likewise "What ho!"
+    I'M NOT GOING BACK TILL I'VE JOLLY WELL GOT TO!
+                            Caddie, my driver, please.
+
+    A. A. M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+     "The 'Gunboat' and his manager, Mr. Buckley, lounged out on the
+     beautiful old English lawn among the rose bushes and drank in the
+     sunshine."--_Daily Mirror._
+
+What offers from brewers, distillers, etc., to name the particular
+beverage which they drank in the sunshine?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Sir James Key Caird, the millionaire duke manufacturer of
+     Dundee."--_Montreal Gazette._
+
+His yearly output is singularly small.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: THE SEX'S PROGRESS.
+
+From "WOMEN AT PRIZE-FIGHTS" TO "WOMEN IN THE RING" SHOULD BE AN EASY
+STEP IN THE UPWARD MOVEMENT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PUNCHER'S GRIEVANCE.
+
+
+"You journalist chaps just spoil us," said Puncher Pete, when I called
+upon him yesterday at his training camp. "You draw us into conversation,
+stick down our remarks in your note-books, and then make us out to be
+the biggest boasters on the face of the earth. It's not right.
+
+"For instance, you've got it on the tip of your tongue to ask me if I
+think I'll lick Jimmy Battle next Thursday. Well, of course I'll lick
+him. Jimmy's a good boy, but he can't stay, and then _he_ hasn't gone
+twenty rounds with three blacks, as I have. But what's my opinion matter
+to you? Why make me shout it out like a cock on a steeple?
+
+"Yes, I shall beat Jimmy. Six rounds will cure him. All right. Very well
+then. Leave it at that.
+
+"One of your fellows called upon me two days ago. 'Pete,' he said, 'they
+say you're ill.' 'You tell 'em to mind their own ills,' I gave him back.
+Ill, indeed! If I were ill could I walk my forty miles a day and think
+nothing of it? Could I lift Harry Blokes there with one hand and hold
+him above my head? D'you suppose a sick man could do _this_?"
+
+The Puncher seized a skipping-rope and did marvellous things with it.
+Then he smashed lustily at a punch-ball, left, right, left, right, duck,
+bing! "Here, Harry!" he cried. His sparring partner approached, bruised
+but beaming. The Puncher knocked him down.
+
+"I seem ill, don't I?" said Pete, turning to me. "But what's it got to
+do with all you chaps, anyway? Wait till Thursday. Then you'll find out
+whether I'm ill or not. And even if I was ill Jimmy couldn't do it.
+Jimmy's got as good a punch as the next man, I'll say that for him. If
+he gets it in it would fell an ox. But can he get it in? Not next
+Thursday.
+
+"Now, see here, you're not going to draw any words from me about the
+coming fight. You may draw others. I refuse. Let's get right off this
+fight and on to other things.
+
+"After all, fighters are modest chaps. When I knocked Torpedo Troop out
+in three rounds last April for a purse of £5,000 and the Championship of
+Nova Scotia I didn't go bragging. I might have said that this was the
+first time that the Torpedo had ever had his eyes closed. Well, I
+didn't. What's more, I never shall. Tell your reader that!
+
+"Take my victory over Quartermain, again. Or over Dinghy Abbs, who was
+down and out in the second round in spite of all the fuss that was made
+about him beforehand. I was a sick man at both these fights. Not a soul
+knew it, mind you. My wife--for I'm as fond of home life as any ordinary
+man, and we have a little baby--my wife used to worry terribly. She'd
+expect me to come home on a stretcher. But I never happened to choose
+that conveyance, and she don't fret any more.
+
+"Will it be a stretcher on Thursday? I can see you want to put that
+question, but I'll ask you to excuse me. Next Thursday, as I've already
+hinted, will tell its own story, and when I say that the tale will have
+a happy ending for one of us who isn't too far from your ear to boast
+about it if he was inclined that way, perhaps you'll guess without my
+telling you what I mean.
+
+"Not at all, Sir. Don't mention it. I'm always glad to have a friendly
+chat with anyone, and I hope you'll forgive me for refusing to talk
+shop."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: A RESORT TO THE OBVIOUS.
+
+MR. PUNCH. "PERMIT ME, GENTLEMEN--I DON'T THINK YOU KNOW ONE ANOTHER:
+SIR EDWARD CARSON--MR. REDMOND. IT'S MORE THAN TIME YOU MET."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+(EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.)
+
+
+_House of Lords, Monday, July 13._--CAMPERDOWN, like HABAKKUK, is
+_capable de tout_. Can do (is at least ready to undertake) anything.
+Like Lord JOHN RUSSELL, he would at an hour's notice take charge of the
+British fleet, whether in Home waters or on Foreign stations. Confesses
+with pathetic modesty that there are two things beyond his capacity. One
+is to find a needle in a pottle of hay; the other, to discover a teller
+in Division Lobby when no one proposes to tell.
+
+To-night this last dilemma faced noble earl. Home Rule Amendment Bill
+before House in Report stage. MACDONELL moved amendment introducing
+principle of proportional representation. After long debate Question put
+from Woolsack. There being a few cries of "Not content!" House cleared
+for division.
+
+Hereupon strange thing happened. Whilst majority of peers streamed into
+Content Lobby discovery was made that not only were there no tellers for
+the Not-Contents but no Not-Contents for the tellers. Fortunately
+CAMPERDOWN on the spot. Instantly took charge of the affair. According
+to his own narrative, which thrilled the listening Senate, he had gone
+into Division Lobby, "where," he added, "I stayed a long time."
+
+Began to realise something of the feeling of the boy who stood on the
+burning deck whence all but he had fled. CAMPERDOWN essentially a man
+of action. No use mooning round deserted Lobby wondering where
+everybody was.
+
+"I tried," he protested, "to find a teller for the Not-Contents, which I
+was not able to do. There were no Not-Contents in the Not-Contents'
+Lobby and there were no tellers. I do not know," he added, turning his
+head with enquiring pose, like _Mr. Pecksniff_ asking his pupil _Martin
+Chuzzlewit_ to take compass, pencil and paper, and "give me your idea of
+a wooden leg," "whether any of your lordships have seen an occurrence
+like this before. I have not."
+
+Illustration: The shade of MASTERMAN recalls happy memories to the
+inconsolable WORTHINGTON EVANS.
+
+Murmur of sympathy ran round perturbed benches. Dilemma awful,
+unprecedented, irretrievable. But everyone felt that CAMPERDOWN had done
+his duty, and that if he had failed to find Not-Contents in an empty
+Lobby no one else could have found them.
+
+_Business done._--In House of Commons PREMIER announced winding-up of
+business at earliest possible moment with intent to meet again in "early
+winter" for new Session. No Autumn Session, you'll observe. Feeling
+against it so strong that insistence might have broken bonds that link
+faithful Ministerialists with their esteemed Leader. Accordingly
+prorogation about usual time in August, and new Session, instead of
+opening in February, will date from November. When we come to think of
+it, seems to amount to much the same thing as Autumn Session, which
+usually begins in mid-October. That an illusion. There will be no Autumn
+Session. Only we shall all be back at Westminster again in drear
+November.
+
+Illustration: "He did not want these adaptations of a German system,
+which the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER seemed to have chosen."--_Lord
+HUGH CECIL._
+
+_House of Commons, Tuesday._
+
+Like RACHEL weeping for her children, the Opposition will not be
+comforted in respect of the continued absence of CHANCELLOR of the
+Duchy. 'Tis a touching trait, illustrating the high level of human
+nature the Commons reach. Had it been MASTERMAN'S political friends who
+mourned his absence, recognising in it cause of insecurity for the
+Empire, situation would be natural and comprehensible. It is from the
+so-labelled enemy's camp that lamentation is sounded. WORTHINGTON EVANS,
+MASTERMAN'S severest censor whilst he still sat on Treasury Bench in
+charge of Insurance Act, is in especial degree inconsolable. Physically
+and intellectually reduced to a pulp--using the word of course in
+Parliamentary sense.
+
+As he is too unnerved to dwell upon subject, BARNSTON and HAYES FISHER
+to-day take it up. Want to know how long a state of things most painful
+on their side of the House is to continue? PREMIER makes light reply.
+Points out that it's no new thing for a Minister to fail to find a seat,
+the globe meanwhile serenely revolving on its axis. In 1885 and in 1892
+the Duchy was unrepresented on the Treasury Bench.
+
+A more striking case, overlooked by PREMIER, of a Minister long
+struggling with adversity at the poll finding the door of House of
+Commons bolted and barred is familiar to Lord HALSBURY. Appointed
+Solicitor-General in 1875 HARDINGE GIFFARD did not take his seat till
+the Session of 1877. Crushed at Cardiff, left in the lurch at
+Launceston, hustled at Horsham, named as a probable starter at every
+election race in the three kingdoms taking place within a period of
+eighteen months, he persuaded the blushing borough of Launceston, on a
+second wooing, to yield to his advances.
+
+Oddly enough, when at last he came to the Table to take the oath, he
+found he had mislaid the return to the writ, production of which is
+indispensable preliminary. Was nearly turned back, a calamity averted by
+discovery of the document in his hat on a bench under the Gallery where
+he had awaited SPEAKER'S summons to the Table.
+
+But precedents are nothing when the bosom is deeply stirred.
+
+"Can't the CHANCELLOR of the Duchy make an effort to secure a seat?"
+BARNSTON asked in tremulous voice.
+
+"He has made two already," retorted the practical PREMIER.
+
+Then came along WATT, with cryptic inquiry breaking silence that brooded
+over Ministerial benches.
+
+"Has the time not arrived," he asked, "to jettison JONAH, in view of the
+fact that nobody seems willing to swallow him but the whale?"
+
+House left thinking the matter over.
+
+_Business done._--House of Lords passed Third Reading of transformed
+Home Rule Amendment Bill. In the Commons Budget Bill again dealt with in
+Committee. Sharp strictures from both sides. But Ministerialists who had
+come to criticise remained to vote in its favour. Majority accordingly
+maintained at normal level.
+
+_Wednesday._--SON AUSTEN, who little more than a fortnight ago left the
+House Member for East Worcester, returned to-day representing the
+division of Birmingham where his father sat impregnably throned for
+uninterrupted period of twenty-nine years. As he walked up to Table to
+take the oath and sign afresh the roll of Parliament, was hailed by
+hearty burst of general cheering.
+
+This rare. Common enough for one or other political party to welcome
+recruit to its ranks. On such occasions, the other side sit silent, save
+when especial circumstances elicit responsive bout of ironical cheering.
+To-day's demonstration afforded striking recognition of genuine merit
+modestly displayed.
+
+Ever a difficult thing for young Member to be son of distinguished
+father also seated in the House. Position to be sustained only by
+exercise of qualities of mind and manner rarely combined. Whilst his
+father yet enthralled attention and admiration of House by supreme
+capacity SON AUSTEN successfully faced the ordeal. After DON JOSÉ'S
+withdrawal from the scene his son's advance to a leading place in the
+councils of his party and the estimation of the House was rapid. Within
+limits of present Session he has shown increased power as a debater,
+promising attainment of still loftier heights. Ever courteous in manner,
+untainted by the "new style" deplored by PREMIER, he, though an
+uncompromising party man, has made no personal enemies among any section
+of his political opponents.
+
+_Business done._--House of Lords threw out Plural Voters Bill on second
+time of asking. Commons still in Committee on Budget.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: A REVOLTING TASK.
+
+THE WAITER'S EARLY-MORNING JOB.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Hearne and Mead, the not-outs of Monday, were separated at 80,
+     their partnership having yielded 441 in forty-five minutes."
+
+     _Daily Mail._
+
+The spectators, we suppose, could stand the strain no longer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DIPLOMACY.
+
+
+(_Yawning, though rude, is, according to the doctors, an extremely
+healthy exercise._)
+
+    I have a friend who wrote a book
+      And begged me to peruse it,
+    And bluntly state the view I took--
+      Encourage or abuse it.
+    I want, he said, the truth alone,
+    But said it in a hopeful tone.
+
+    Perceiving there was no escape,
+      With Chapter I. I led off;
+    Page 2 provoked my earliest gape,
+      At 3 I yawned my head off,
+    At 4 I cast the thing away
+    Unto some dim and distant day.
+
+    For weeks I racked my harassed brain
+      For something kind and ruthful,
+    To spare his feelings and remain
+      Comparatively truthful
+    (I'm very often troubled by
+    My inability to lie).
+
+    "Dear Charles," I wrote him in the end,
+      "I fear no contradiction
+    When I declare that you have penned
+      A healthy work of fiction.
+    I am, I candidly admit,
+    A sounder man through reading it."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Captain Turner only got a single
+    when J. W. Hearne bowled him, and
+    lunch was taken.
+
+    ESSEX.
+    F. L. Fane c. Hendren b. Kidd  57
+    Russell run out                51
+    Major Turner b. J. W. Hearne    1"
+
+Probably the Major got his step during lunch; and it was no doubt richly
+deserved, though not on account of the score he had made in the morning
+as a Captain.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "John Charles Edmund Carson were the names which Lord Gillford, the
+     infant heir of Lord and Lady Clanwilliam, received yesterday
+     afternoon."
+
+     _Daily Mail._
+
+If only this were a misprint for John Charles Redmond Carson.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "The anniversary of the Cattle of the Boyne was celebrated with
+     unusual enthusiasm throughout Canada."
+
+     _"Times" Toronto Correspondent._
+
+These were the original Irish bulls, we suppose.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Plant strawberry runners with grouse on Aug. 12th."--_R.H.S.
+     Gardener's Diary._
+
+     "Plant daffodils between grouse and partridges."--_R.H.S.
+     Gardener's Diary._
+
+The daffodils should make good cover, but the runners will stand no
+chance against the Cockney sportsman.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: THE OLD, OLD PROBLEM.
+
+IS THE BATSMAN OUT OR NOT?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EXERCISE 1.
+
+
+I must confess that at one time I had little regard for collectors of
+cigarette cards; it seemed a feeble pursuit, though perhaps I should add
+I am of a somewhat intellectual nature.
+
+Some little time ago, however, I happened to glance at one of these
+cards and was surprised to see a picture of a gentleman attired in white
+flannels and a vest of white, decorated with red embroidery. He was
+grasping a towel in both hands and appeared to have two or three sets of
+arms. The label said, "Scarf or Towel Exercises 4." A perusal of the
+instructions on the back of the card made everything clear.
+
+Ten minutes later I entered the shop of an athletic outfitter.
+Unfortunately he had no white vests with red edges: I had to purchase
+one with blue. A scarf or towel I could find at home.
+
+Then I entered a tobacconist's.
+
+Four days later I had collected Scarf or Towel Exercises 2 and 3.
+
+"We can," I said, "now make a start." As a matter of fact it was not
+altogether a foolish proceeding. Deep thinkers are apt to overlook the
+need for physical culture. This error I decided to remedy.
+
+Every morning I (1) stood in position illustrated, (2) raised arms above
+head in manner indicated by the instructions, (3) straightened right arm
+and lowered right hand so that towel (_still taut_) sloped to right, (4)
+returned to Position 1. I then changed towel for scarf (my own idea) and
+continued with Exercises 3 and 4.
+
+I was very happy; my only worry was the absence of Scarf or Towel
+Exercises 1.
+
+Every morning I called at the tobacconist's and purchased packets of
+cigarettes, eagerly searching them for the missing card. Every afternoon
+I called again.
+
+For a week I bore my disappointment bravely; then I became cynical.
+
+"Perhaps," I said, "there is no Exercise 1. It may be a joke on the part
+of the makers."
+
+My consumption of cigarettes increased. Packet followed packet with
+extraordinary rapidity, and still no Exercise 1.
+
+I began to get worried. "Is it safe," I asked myself, "to do 2, 3 and 4
+without 1? The omission may have a serious effect on 2, 3 and 4."
+
+Then I returned to the attack with renewed vigour. In a week I got
+through twenty tens--with no result.
+
+Disappointed and weary I was walking to the office one morning when
+suddenly I had an attack of giddiness. By the end of the day I was
+beginning to wonder if I was very ill. I felt it. Usually the clearest
+of thinkers, I was dizzy and dazed.
+
+The evening saw the arrival of my doctor, and a thorough examination
+followed, at the end of which he shook his head gravely.
+
+"'M," he murmured. "Ah."
+
+"Tell me," I said with extraordinary calmness--"tell me the worst. Brain
+fever, I suppose?"
+
+"Oh, dear no," he replied. "What I'm worrying about is the heart. It's
+in a bad state--a really bad state. Heaven knows how many cigarettes
+you've been consuming lately. You'll have to stop it altogether."
+
+I looked at him blankly; then, with a bitter laugh, I (1) stood in
+position illustrated, (2) raised arms above head in manner indicated by
+the instructions, (3) straightened right arm and lowered right hand so
+that handkerchief (_still taut_) sloped to right, and (4) returned to
+sofa.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Latest Style in Strikes.
+
+     "Engineers and firemen on the western railways of the United States
+     have threatened to strike unless their demands for increased wages
+     and other reforms are not granted."
+
+     _The Times._
+
+They seem very hard to please.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: Mr. H. B. IRVING (_Sir Hubert Lisle_).
+
+"Pomfret will fall in another two seconds if I don't ride over and raise
+the siege. Still, my first duty is to Mr. STEPHEN PHILLIPS, and he wants
+me for a few dialogues and a brace of soliloquies before I start."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"THE SIN OF DAVID."
+
+
+This is not, like the plays in which JOSEPH has recently figured, an
+adaptation from the Hebrew. Mr. STEPHEN PHILLIPS has given a
+seventeenth-century (A.D.) setting to the BATHSHEBA motive,
+transplanting it from the polygamous East into the England of
+one-man-one-wife. His object, no doubt, was to emphasize one aspect of
+his borrowed theme, which is further enforced by his choice of
+_milieu_--the camp of the Puritans.
+
+Lest this fairly obvious note of irony should escape us, Mr. PHILLIPS
+accentuates it at the start by making his DAVID (_Sir Hubert Lisle_,
+Commander of the Parliamentary Forces in the fenland) condemn a young
+officer to be shot for a "carnal" offence. The delinquent's answer--
+
+    "Thou who so lightly dealest death to me
+    Be thou then very sure of thine own soul;"
+
+and _Lisle's_ prayer--
+
+    "And judge me, Thou that sittest in Thy Heaven,
+    As I have shown no mercy, show me none!...
+    If ever a woman's beauty shall ensnare
+    My soul into such sin as he hath sinned"--
+
+these passages, even if the title of the play had not prepared us,
+afford fair warning of the way in which things have got to go. In fact
+it is all very simple and straightforward, and (on the constructive
+side) Hellenic. Perhaps indeed the treatment is a little too direct, and
+the tragedy moves too quickly to its consummation (thirty or forty
+minutes suffice for the reading of it). It might serve its publisher (of
+the Bodley Head) as one of a series to be entitled: "Half-hours with the
+Best Sinners."
+
+As a poem _The Sin of David_ cannot compare for beauty with _Paolo and
+Francesca_, though it contains isolated lines which recall Mr.
+PHILLIPS'S earliest drama, such as the plea of _Joyce_, the condemned
+officer--
+
+    "Her face was close to me, and dimmed the world."
+
+or _Lisle's_--
+
+    "Thou hast unlocked the loveliness of earth."
+
+But then, of course, the exotic manner would here have been an
+impropriety. This is not Rimini; it is the English Fenland; and all the
+characters, with the exception of _Miriam Mardyke_ (the BATHSHEBA of the
+piece), who was bred in France and had its sun in her blood, were of the
+Puritan pattern that does not accommodate itself very easily to the
+language of passion.
+
+But all this we knew ten years ago, when _The Sin of David_ was first
+published; and the only new interest was the question of its
+adaptability to the theatre. Poetic drama seldom gains much by
+presentation on the stage, unless it is full of action; and there is
+little action in this play except of the inward kind. In almost the only
+case where quick movement is here demanded one becomes conscious of the
+intrusion of words. When he knows that the relief of Pomfret depends
+upon his instant action, _Lisle_ still finds time for conversations with
+his servant, with _Miriam_ and with the doctor, and for a couple of
+well-sustained soliloquies.
+
+Certain lines, again, whose literary flavour, when read, makes us
+overlook their inherent improbability in the mouth of the character that
+utters them, take on, when spoken, an air of artifice. Such are the
+lines in which _Miriam_ describes her old sister-in-law, to her face, as
+
+            "living without sin
+    And reputably rusting to the grave."
+
+And there is always the danger that actors will be content with a rather
+slurred and perfunctory recitation of lines that have no bearing on the
+action but are just inserted for joy as a rhetorical embroidery.
+
+It may be a trivial criticism, but I think the play suffered a little
+from the appearance of the love-child whose death was to be the
+punishment for _Lisle's_ sin in sending _Mardyke_ to his death in a
+forlorn hope. The instructions in my book are contradictory. The time of
+Act III. is described as "five years later," and we are then told that
+"four years are supposed to have elapsed since Act II." Anyhow, the boy
+should be only three or four years old. Actually he is a girl (the stage
+must have it so) of some ten summers. You may say that all those years
+during which the lovers' passion has been purified by worship of the
+child's innocence, and "God has not said a word," add a dramatic force
+to the blow when at last it falls. But for myself--a mere matter of
+taste--I feel that the vengeance of Heaven has been nursed too long.
+
+As for the interpretation, I must honestly compliment Mr. IRVING and
+Miss MIRIAM LEWES on their performance. It is true that I should never
+have mistaken Mr. IRVING for a fighting Roundhead, and he might well
+have sacrificed something of his personality for the sake of illusion.
+It is true, too, that he was more concerned about dramatic than poetic
+effects; yet, within the limitations of a very marked individuality, he
+did justice to the author by a performance that was most sincere and
+persuasive. Miss LEWES played her more difficult part with great charm
+and delicacy. Her manner, even under stress of passionate feeling, still
+kept the right restraint that _Miriam_ had learnt from her environment;
+but always we were made to feel that under the prim Puritan gown was a
+body that had been "born in the sun's lap," and held the warmth of the
+vinelands in its veins. Perhaps it was from France, too, that _Miriam_
+had caught her strange habit of pronouncing "my" (a perfectly good word)
+as "me."
+
+There is little so worth seeing on the stage to-day as _The Sin of
+David_, and I very sincerely hope that both the play and its
+interpreters may win the wide appreciation they have earned.
+
+    O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It is unfortunate that Mr. ARTHUR ECKERLEY'S ingenious little farce, _A
+Collection will be made_, was only introduced into the bill at the
+Garrick two days before the withdrawal of the _Duke of Killicrankie_,
+and that, like the melancholy _Jaques_, it has had to share the ducal
+exile. I look forward to its early reappearance under happier auspices,
+and with Mr. GUY NEWALL again in the leading part.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "The father of a young lady, aged 15--a typical 'FLAPPER'--with all
+     the self-assurance of a woman of 30, would be grateful for the
+     recommendation of a seminary (not a convent) where she might be
+     placed."--_Times._
+
+     "Coaching required for Cambridge Little Girl."--_Times._
+
+Is it the same little girl?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: A PROPOSAL FOR THE PURCHASE OF DONKEYS FOR PRACTISING
+AMMUNITION-SUPPLY IN THE FIELD HAS BEEN APPROVED BY THE WAR OFFICE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RETROSPECTIVE.
+
+
+[_The armbone of a prehistoric lion has been discovered in Fleet Street
+during the excavations for the new offices of "The Daily Chronicle."
+Remains of other prehistoric animals were found some years ago near the
+same spot._]
+
+    READER, when last you went down Fleet
+    (Wait half-a-second. Thank you.) Street,
+    And gazed upon it from your seat,
+        Perched on a motor-bus,
+    Did you, I wonder, guess that there,
+    In ages long ago, the bear
+    Contended for the choicest lair
+        With the rhinoceros?
+
+    Where now the expectant taxis prowl,
+    And growlers, still surviving, growl,
+    And agonised pedestrians howl,
+        Seeing the traffic skid,
+    There lions roamed the swampy glade,
+    There the superb okapi brayed,
+    And many a mighty mammoth made
+        Whatever noise it did.
+
+    It pleases me to pause and think
+    That where to-day flows printing-ink
+    All sorts of beasts came down to drink
+        Clear waters from a spring.
+    I like to reconstruct the scene;
+    I feel existence must have been,
+    Before the rotary machine,
+        A more delightful thing.
+
+    I like to think how, westward bound,
+    Tigers pursued their prey and found
+    The Strand a happy hunting ground,
+        Seeking tit-bits by night.
+    Reader, will you come there with me
+    When London lies asleep? Maybe
+    Their phantoms still prowl stealthily
+        Down by the Aldwych site.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SOCIETY NOTES.
+
+
+Lady Diana Dingo was in the Park yesterday, walking with Lancelot, her
+new ant-eater, and the latter, who has happily recovered from his severe
+attack of measles, is now quite tame, and was wearing bronzed toe-nails
+and a large blue ribbon under the left ear.
+
+The Countess of Torquay and her sister, Mrs. Pygmalion Popinjay, were at
+the Earl's Court Exhibition on Wednesday. The Countess's crested toucan,
+Willy, was much admired.
+
+The Ladies' Park Pet race at Ranelham next Friday is expected to prove
+an exciting event, especially as Stella, Lady Killaloo, has entered her
+large crocodile, Horace--called after her late husband--who is known to
+prove rather fractious at times.
+
+Mrs. Halliday Hare is in deep mourning for her bandicoot, Maud Eliza,
+who was unfortunately set upon and eaten last week by the Hon. Mrs.
+Joram's young jaguar during an afternoon call at the house of a mutual
+friend of their mistresses. Mrs. Hare is leaving town at once, and her
+house will be closed until late in the autumn.
+
+The iguana worn by Miss Bay Buskin in the second Act of _The Belle of
+Bow Street_ is a delightful little creature, and accompanies his
+mistress everywhere. While on the subject of the theatre, we are glad to
+learn that the cages now being erected behind the stage at Galy's
+Theatre will soon be ready, when there should be no further cause for
+complaint about the rapacity of some of the larger carnivora owned by
+certain ladies of the chorus.
+
+The recent fashion of having one's pet emu coloured to match one's frock
+is dying out, and armadilloes with gilded trotters are becoming the
+vogue.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COMPULSION.
+
+
+"Very well," said the lady of the house, "don't let's do it. Nobody can
+force us to go to the seaside if we don't want to."
+
+"It's too late," I said, "to begin to agree with me now."
+
+"It's never too late to realise how reasonable you are."
+
+"Yes, it is. The agreement is signed; half the rent has been paid;
+Sandstone House has got us by the legs, and, whether we like it or not,
+we've got to go there next week."
+
+"We might try the effect of a death-bed repentance."
+
+"No," I said, "we're dead already. We died when the blessed agreement
+was signed."
+
+"Well, then, let's write and say our aunt from British Columbia is about
+to arrive here unexpectedly on a visit to us, and that sand and seaweed
+and prawns and star-fish are simply death to her. We can wind up with a
+strong appeal to the landlord's better nature. No true landlord can wish
+to be responsible for the death of anybody's British Columbian aunt."
+
+"You're quite wrong," I said. "Landlords just revel in that kind of
+thing. Besides, he will not believe in our aunt. He will say that she is
+too thin."
+
+"But the aunt I'm thinking of is stout and wheezy. She is a widow; her
+name is Aunt Wilhelmina; except ourselves there's nobody in the world
+left for her to cling to. No marine landlord can dare to separate us
+from Aunt Wilhelmina."
+
+"It's no good," I said. "I'll admit that your Aunt Wilhelmina----"
+
+"She's only mine by marriage, you know; but I love her like a daughter."
+
+"I admit," I continued, "that Aunt-by-marriage Wilhelmina may some day
+be useful to us. We will put her by for another occasion. But she can't
+help us now."
+
+"Well, go ahead yourself and suggest something, then."
+
+"I could suggest a thousand things. Suppose we just pay the rest of the
+rent and don't go."
+
+"The man," she said with conviction, "is mad."
+
+"I thought you'd say that, and I know you'd say the same about any other
+suggestion of mine, so I shan't make any more."
+
+"You mustn't be sulky," she said.
+
+"I never am. I'm reasonable, but, as usual, you'll realise it too late.
+Besides," I added, "it's you who've brought us into this fix."
+
+"I?" she said with an air of wonder. "How can I have done that?"
+
+"I'll tell you," I said firmly, for I saw that my chance had come. "For
+weeks and weeks past you have been engaged in shutting up avenues and
+closing loop-holes. Wherever there was the tiniest way of escape from
+the seaside, there you were with your walls and your fences, until at
+last you'd got me safely penned in."
+
+"You didn't struggle much, did you?"
+
+"No, I was like the man in _The Pit and the Pendulum_, and you
+were--whoever it was that made the walls close in on him."
+
+"I refuse," she said, "to be called a Spanish Inquisition."
+
+"You may refuse as much as you like, but that's the sort of thing you've
+been. How you worked on my domestic affections and my household pride!
+When Helen forgot to go to her music-lesson you said the poor child was
+evidently run down and wanted a breath of sea-air. When Rosie lost her
+German exercise-book, and when Peggy fell off her bicycle, you worked
+both these accidents round into an imperative demand for salt water.
+When John was bitten by a gnat you said the spot was bilious and things
+would never be right with him until he got into a more bracing climate;
+and when Bates tripped up in the pantry and broke a week's income in
+plates and dishes you said he needed tone and would get it at the sea.
+Seaside, seaside, seaside! I couldn't get away from it."
+
+"Oh, but you haven't been there yet, you know. You're shouting before
+you're hurt."
+
+"No," I said, "I am not--I mean I am hurt, but I'm not shouting. I'm
+just whispering a few salutary truths."
+
+"And there's another thing," she said; "it must be terrible for you to
+know what a designing person your wife is."
+
+"Madam," I said, "my wife is as heaven made her. I will not permit her
+to be abused. She has good impulses. She means well. Her plain sewing is
+quite excellent."
+
+"Spare me," she said, "oh spare me. I will never go to the sea again."
+
+"But you _shall_ go to the sea," I said. "Everything is settled. The
+agreement is signed; the tickets are all but taken. John and Peggy are
+panting for pails and spades. Do you think I want to stand in the way of
+their innocent pleasures? We will all try for shrimps while you sit on a
+heap of sand and tell us not to get too wet, or that it's time for tea,
+and have I forgotten the thermos-flask again."
+
+"Horatio," she said, "I can see you paddling in my mind's eye."
+
+"But tell me," I said, "when do we start."
+
+"We start on Tuesday. The whole lot of us together, you know, servants
+and all. Won't that be fun?"
+
+"Ye--es," I said, "it will--I mean it would if I could go with you, but
+unfortunately----"
+
+"_What!_" she said, "you mean to desert us?"
+
+"No, no, I can never desert you, but I've got two solemn engagements on
+Tuesday--meetings in the City."
+
+"Then I'm to take the whole party, am I?"
+
+"Yes, dear," I said. "And I'll join you next day."
+
+"You've won," she said.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+KITTY ADARE.
+
+
+    Sweet as a wild-rose was Kitty Adare,
+    Blithe as a laverock and shy as a hare;
+      Mid all the grand ladies of all the grand cities
+      You'd not find the face half so pretty as Kitty's;
+      "'Tis the fine morning this, Kit," says I; she says, "It is,"
+    The day she went walking to get to the Fair.
+
+    She was bred to give trouble, was Kitty Adare,
+    For she had my heart caught like a bird in a snare;
+      O, her laugh was the ripple of quick-running water,
+      And--the seventh-born child of a seventh-born daughter--
+      She wore the green shoes that the fairies had brought her
+    To help her go dancing that day at the Fair.
+
+    She'd the foot of a princess, had Kitty Adare,
+    And the road fell behind her like peel off a pear;
+      She was into the town with the lads and the lassies,
+      And the shouting of showmen and braying of asses,
+      And on to the green where the best of the grass is,
+    With the sun shining bright on the fun of the Fair!
+
+    She was light as a feather, was Kitty Adare,
+    And she danced like a flame in a current of air;
+      O, look at her now--she retreating, advancing,
+      And stepping and stopping, and gliding and glancing!
+      There wasn't a one was her marrow at dancing
+    Of all the young maidens who danced at the Fair.
+
+    O Kitty, O Kitty, O Kitty Adare,
+    Till the music was beaten you danced to it there;
+      And the fiddler, poor fellow, the way that he was in,
+      Him sweating for six and his bow wanting rosin,
+      He was put past the fiddling a month--all because in
+    A pair of green shoes Kitty danced at the Fair!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Cheerful Householder (to burglar)._ "BY THE WAY, WHEN
+YOU GO DOWNSTAIRS YOU MIGHT LET THE CAT IN; SHE'S BEEN SPOILING MY
+SLEEP."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+
+If memory serves me, the publishers of _World's End_ (HURST AND
+BLACKETT) described its theme as one of unusual delicacy, or words to
+that effect. I should like to reassure them. The particular kind of
+marriage of convenience which it concerns (marriage for the convenience
+of the wronged heroine, by which the virtuous hero gives his name to the
+child of the villain) may be, indeed is, a delicate matter, but--in
+fiction at least--by no manner of means unusual. Nor can I see that its
+present treatment by AMÉLIE RIVES (Princess TROUBETZKOY) lends it any
+degree of novelty. No, let me be just; perhaps _Richard Bryce_, the
+wicked betrayer, does strike a somewhat new note, at least in his
+beginnings. _Richard_ was the product of art superimposed upon dollars.
+He was so cultured that the humanity in him had dwindled to a negligible
+quantity; and thus, when poor _Phoebe_ wanted him to "do the right thing
+by her," he sent her instead some charmingly modern French verse--which
+she could not understand--and finally took ship for Europe in mingled
+alarm and boredom. You will have gathered that the scene is laid in
+America. Perhaps this explains the hero. _Owen Randolph_ was one of the
+strong and silent. He was so silent that, though he knew perfectly well
+all that had happened, he married _Phoebe_, and allowed that unhappy
+lady to suffer chapters of agonized apprehension as to his attitude,
+when half-a-dozen words would have set her at ease on the subject. He
+was, moreover, so strong that, when eventually the theme of their
+relations with _Phoebe_ did crop up between himself and _Richard_, the
+latter spent some months in hospital as a consequence. However, he
+recovered, and things were thus able to reach the kind of ending which
+was expected of them. There are parts of _World's End_ that are worthy
+of a better whole, but that is the best I can say for it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I believe that _Paul Moorhouse_ (LONG) was never really predestined to
+end unhappily and that his suicide was a conclusion as little
+premeditated by the author as it was apparently by the hero. If such
+ends must be, they should be a climax demanded by relentless logic: some
+sort of culminating event should occur which, added to what has gone
+before, leaves no alternative. _Paul_, however, had survived for years
+under the stress of all the circumstances which finally constrained him
+to make an end of himself; and, had he stayed the course--only another
+hour or so--he would have found that all had turned out for the best and
+that adequate arrangements had been made for his permanent happiness. No
+doubt these things happen in real life and I cannot accuse Mr. GEORGE
+WOUIL (a most discerning author) of any inhuman treatment of his puppet;
+yet I wish that he had been more kindly disposed and had spared me a
+bitter disappointment. Having known _Paul_, man and boy, for upwards of
+ten years, I had become sincerely attached to him; as assistant
+time-keeper, foreman and works-manager he showed a spirit true to the
+real Black Country type. He had his moments of weakness when he went
+astray after the manner of his kind; but he always became master of
+himself again and, when he had to, paid like a man the price of his
+misdeeds, never pausing to discover the overcharge. As for _Joan Ware_,
+his intended and his due, she was a dear; poor dear!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I do not think that you will believe _The Story of Fifine_ (CONSTABLE),
+although Mr. BERNARD CAPES takes some pains to give it an air of
+actuality; but if you are like me you will not be greatly concerned
+about that. Purporting to be the ill-used daughter of a mad French
+marquis, _Fifine_, in that _naļve_ and charming way which has always
+been so dear to the hearts of novelists, came to live at the bachelor
+abode in Paris of the sculptor _Felix Dane_ (his half-sister, who was
+keeping house for the marquis, provided the introduction), and, calling
+each other "cousin" and "gossip," these two shared rooms together in
+perfect simplicity of soul and held several conversations which reflect,
+I suppose, Mr. BERNARD CAPES' views on the plastic arts and life in
+general. And why, in passing, he should continue to heap ridicule on
+staid Victorian respectability I cannot for the life of me imagine. The
+plucky and unorthodox thing nowadays surely is to make game of
+Bohemianism. But, anyhow, the happy moment for me arrived when _Felix
+Dane_ suggested (on the grounds that the marquis would soon discover his
+daughter's hiding-place) a holiday tour through Provence. Mr. BERNARD
+CAPES in Provence is Mr. BERNARD CAPES at his best. How the lovers (for
+that--perhaps you roguishly guessed it?--they gradually became) paid
+visits to Nīmes, to Aigues-Mortes, to Arles and to Paradou les Baux, and
+met _M. Carabas Cabarus_, the native minstrel, you must read for
+yourself, for I cannot give a faint idea of the eloquence with which
+their fairyland is portrayed. And if the plot ends as artificially as it
+began, and with an unnecessary tragedy thrown in, I suppose for the sake
+of that idyll in the very nesting-place of idylls I must shrug my
+shoulders and forgive. After all, it does not matter much who _Fifine_
+really was, nor what happened to her. Suffice it that Mr. BERNARD CAPES
+has conducted her to Arles.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Caddis-Worm_ (HURST AND BLACKETT) is an appropriate enough title
+for Mrs. DAWSON SCOTT'S novel, but I confess to having grown a little
+restive at its appearance on the top of each of 352 pages. "Episodes in
+the Life of Richard and Catharine Blake" is the alternative title, and
+to the average human reader possibly a more significant one. _The
+Caddis-Worm_ is quite in the modern manner, having no plot--or what has
+been contemptuously called "anecdote." I have, however, a more genuine
+grievance against Mrs. DAWSON SCOTT, and it is that she seems inclined
+to be a propagandist without the requisite robustness. A little more
+vigour in her protests against the iniquity of British laws, and her
+theme might have allured me. As it is, the troubles of _Catharine_ with
+her peremptory _Richard_ only made me want, but not very keenly, to take
+and give her a good shaking. Whereas, with a little more encouragement,
+I believe I should have been quite anxious to kick her husband from the
+top to the bottom of several flights of stairs. Drastic methods were
+taken by the author to bring _Richard_ to his senses; in fact, at one
+time he made a sort of corner in disasters. But unless a sanatorium
+exists where patients are treated kindly and firmly for swollen-head I
+do not think that _Richard's_ cure is likely to be permanent. That,
+however, does not affect my view that Mrs. DAWSON SCOTT has given us a
+book which is full of clever writing and fairly shrewd observation.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"It was a wild wet night, though the month of May was well begun."
+Without caring very much about the month of May, I felt on reading these
+introductory words that the story called _My Lady Rosia_ had excellently
+well begun. I am sorry to add, though, that it does not carry on quite
+so bravely as you might expect from such a start. My own suspicion is
+that _Lady Rosia_ is one of many novels that owe their existence to a
+summer holiday. I haven't the slightest knowledge of the facts, and
+still less wish to incur a libel action, but, by my way of imagining it,
+Miss FREDA MARY GROVES found herself one day in the Winchelsea country,
+fell very naturally in love with its jolly old houses, and determined
+there and then to write a story about them. So here it is, with a mildly
+romantic hero, _Bernard_, a heroine in the title _rōle_ who is as pretty
+and persecuted as heroines should be, a villain (_Lord Segrave_ by
+name--even, you see, in those Black-Princely days peers were a bad lot),
+some conflicts not quite so exciting as they might have been, and the
+rest of the mixture as before. You perhaps catch already my chief ground
+of complaint. Frankly I do not think that Miss GROVES' pen is quite
+sufficiently dashing for this sort of thing. Historical and adventurous
+romance, if it is to earn my vote, must keep me out of breath the whole
+time. It should never be allowed to slacken pace; and (to be entirely
+candid) _My Lady Rosia_ sometimes ambles rather heavily. I forgot to add
+that it is published by WASHBOURNE, printed on detestable paper, and
+contains some pleasant illustrations of the places mentioned in the
+story. In few, the best I can say of it is that it would make a charming
+gift for the young Person (if she still survives) on the occasion, say,
+of a family holiday to Hastings.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _The Optimist (who has just been struck by a passing
+motor-car)._ "GLORY BE! IF THIS ISN'T A PIECE O' LUCK! SURE, 'TIS THE
+DOCTHOR HIMSELF THAT'S IN UT."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The John Bull Breed.
+
+_The South African Farmers' Guide_ pays a pretty compliment to a
+well-known family in describing a typical South Devon bull as the
+"property of Major APTHORP, a magnificent example of this breed."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WANTED.--A Tame Tory who will undertake to write scathing criticisms on
+the policy of his own party. Meals supplied on premises. Sleep in.
+Address, Offices of _Westminster Gazette_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+147, July 22, 1914, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, JULY 22, 191PUNCH, CHARIVARI, JULY 22, 1914 ***
+
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 147,
+July 22, 1914, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 147, July 22, 1914
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: April 5, 2008 [EBook #24992]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, JULY 22, 191PUNCH, CHARIVARI, JULY 22, 1914 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Neville Allen, Hagay Giller, Malcolm Farmer
+and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at
+https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+
+
+<h1>PUNCH,<br /> OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+<h2>VOL. 147.</h2>
+<hr class="full" />
+<h2>July 22, 1914.</h2>
+<hr class="full" />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2>
+
+
+<p>Those who deny that Mr. <span class="sc">Lloyd
+George</span> is ruining land-owners will
+perhaps be impressed by the following
+advertisement in <i>The Bazaar, Exchange
+and Mart</i>:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"To be sold, small holding, well stocked
+with fruit trees, good double tenement house
+on good road and close to station, good outer
+buildings. Price, Four Marks, Alton, Hunts."</p></div>
+
+<p>The fact that the price should be
+translated into German looks unpleasantly
+like an attempt to entrap an
+ignorant foreigner.</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<p>Meanwhile it looks as if the Socialist
+ideal of driving our landed gentry into
+the workhouse is already being realised.
+The Abergavenny Board
+of Guardians, we read,
+has decided to accept
+an offer by Lord <span class="sc">Abergavenny</span>
+to purchase
+the local workhouse for
+&pound;3,000.</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<p>Three of the new
+peers have now chosen
+their titles. Sir <span class="sc">Edgar
+Vincent</span> becomes
+Baron <span class="sc">d'Abernon</span>;
+Major-General <span class="sc">Brocklehurst</span>, Baron
+<span class="sc">Ranksborough</span>, and Sir
+<span class="sc">Edward Lyell</span>, Baron
+<span class="sc">Lyell</span>. Rather lazy of
+Sir <span class="sc">Edward</span>.</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<p>A lioness which
+escaped from a circus
+at Bourg-en-Brasse,
+France, the other day,
+was killed, and a gendarme
+in the hunting
+party was shot in the leg. As the
+lioness was not armed it is thought
+that the gendarme must have been
+shot by one of the party.</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<p>It is frequently said that, if the
+Suffragettes were to drop their militant
+tactics, the suffrage would be
+granted to-morrow. A Suffragette now
+writes to stigmatise this as a hypocritical
+mis-statement. She points out
+that recently the experiment was tried
+of allowing an entire day to pass without
+an outrage, but not a single vote was
+granted.</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<p>Dr. <span class="sc">Hans Friedenthal</span>, a well-known
+Professor of Berlin University,
+declares that, as a result of the higher
+education, women will in the near
+future be totally bald, and will wear
+patriarchal beards and long moustaches.
+They will then, no doubt, get
+the vote by threatening that, unless
+their wishes are granted, they will kiss
+every man they meet at sight.</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<p>Portsmouth Town Council has carried,
+by eleven votes to nine, a Labour
+amendment refusing to place official
+guide-books to Pretoria in the public
+library unless the nine deportees are
+allowed to return to South Africa.
+General <span class="sc">Botha</span> could hardly have foreseen
+this result of his action, and it
+will be interesting to see what happens
+now.</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<p class="center">"<span class="sc">Poison after a Duck's Egg</span>."<br />
+
+<i>Evening News.</i><br /></p>
+
+<p>Our cricketers would seem to be
+getting absurdly sensitive. This is
+scarcely the way to brighten the game.</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<p>The Guildhall Art Gallery is to be
+rebuilt. Some of the pictures there
+might be at the same time re-painted
+with advantage.</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<p>Apparently the Moody of the Moody-Manners
+Opera Company is gaining
+the upper hand. This Company opened
+its London season with <i>The Dance of
+Death</i>.</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<p>The appearance in Bond Street last
+week of a lady leading a little pig
+instead of a dog as a pet is being widely
+discussed in canine circles, though it
+has not yet been decided what action,
+if any, shall be taken. In view of the
+fact that so many dogs are pigs it is
+possible that no objection will be raised
+to one pig being a dog.</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<p>By the way, <i>The Daily Chronicle</i>
+was not quite correct when, in describing
+the recent "Dog Feast," in which the
+Shepherds Bush Indians were alleged
+to have participated, it used the expression
+"pow-wow." Owing to the
+action of the Canine Defence League
+a sheep was roasted and not a pow-wow.</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<p>A motor-bus ran into a barber's shop
+in Gray's Inn Road last week, and three
+customers had a close shave.</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<p>Some burglars recently blew open
+with gelignite the safe of a Holborn
+jeweller containing &pound;1,000 worth of
+gems, and, as the jewels are missing,
+the police incline to the view that the
+object of the men must have been
+robbery.</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<p>Asked by <i>The Express</i> for a suggestion
+for a motto for the
+L.C.C., Mr. <span class="sc">H. de Vere
+Stacpoole</span> sent the
+reply, "My word is
+sovereign." It is good
+to know that this delightful
+writer can command
+an even higher
+rate of pay than did
+Mr. <span class="sc">Rudyard Kipling</span>
+at the height of his
+popularity.</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<p><i>The Daily Herald</i>
+informs us that the
+Russian monk, <span class="sc">Rasputin</span>,
+"started life as
+an illiterate peasant."
+But, we would ask, is
+there really anything
+remarkable in this? We
+believe that the number
+of persons who have
+been born literate is
+extremely small.</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<p>Says an advertisement in <i>T.P.'s
+Weekly</i>:&mdash;"Reader receives guests&mdash;Leigh-on-Sea,
+facing sea, minute cliffs."
+It is honourable of the advertiser to
+mention the minuteness of the cliffs.
+This is, we fear, a characteristic of the
+Essex coast.</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<p>Among "Businesses for Sale" in
+<i>The Daily Chronicle</i>, we come across
+what looks like an ugly example of
+military venality:&mdash;"<span class="sc">General</span> for Sale,
+taking &pound;16 a week; going cheap."</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<p>Finally, we have the pleasure to
+award first honorary prize in our
+Pathetic Advertisement Competition to
+the following&mdash;also from <i>The Daily
+Chronicle</i>:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"Fish (Fried) and Chips for Sale, owing to
+wife's illness: only one in neighbourhood."</p></div>
+
+<p>We trust that the advertiser's addiction
+to monogamy is not confined to the
+neighbourhood.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%;">
+<a href="images/081.png">
+<img width="100%" alt="revival of boxing." src="images/081.png" /></a>
+<p style="margin-left:.1in;text-indent:-.1in"><span class="sc">We understand that, in view of the popular revival of boxing,
+Dr. Strauss has been commissioned to write a grand opera round the noble
+art. The above represents the finale.</span></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</a></span>
+
+
+<h3>OXFORD IN TRANSITION.</h3>
+
+<p class="center"><span class="sc">Interview With a Famous Porter.</span></p>
+
+<p class="center">(<span class="sc"><i>By Harold Begthwayt.</i></span>)</p>
+
+<p>Hearing from an undergraduate
+friend at Cardinal College of the impending
+retirement of Mr. Chumbleton
+("Old Chum"), the famous porter of
+Salisbury Gate, I gladly seized the
+opportunity of running down to Oxford
+to gain some fresh sidelights on the
+inner life of the University. Cardinal
+College, unlike Balliol, Magdalen and
+New College, has never shown itself
+responsive to the new spirit. There
+are probably fewer Socialists in Peckover
+than in any other quad in Oxford.
+The old feudal traditions, though somewhat
+mitigated, still survive. You still
+hear the characteristic Mayfair accent
+and recognise a curious lack of that
+Moral Uplift without which, as Sir
+<span class="sc">Robertson Nicoll</span> finely says, a man is
+no better than a mummy. And yet I own
+to having been strangely attracted by
+these well-groomed scions of a vanishing
+breed, with their finely chiselled
+features, their clipped colloquialisms
+and their cheerful arrogance. There is
+something engaging as well as pathetic
+in these unruffled countenances, blind
+to the realities of modern life and the
+need of that fraternal fellowship which
+alone can bring peace to the head that
+wears a crown or a coronet.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Chumbleton, who was just going
+off duty when I arrived, cordially invited
+me into his inner sanctum and
+offered me a glass of gin and green
+Chartreuse, the favourite beverage, he
+assured me, of the late Duke of Midhurst,
+whose scout he had been in
+the "seventies." Of that strange and
+meteoric figure, who was subsequently
+devoured by a crocodile on the Blue
+Nile, Mr. Chumbleton spoke with
+genuine affection. "He was something
+like a Dook," said the old man, "and
+not one of your barley-water-drinking
+faddists. Yes, in those days a Dook was
+a Dook and not a cock-shy for demigods
+[? demagogues]. I can remember,"
+he went on, "when there wore three
+Dooks in residence at the same time,
+the Dook of Midhurst, the Dook of
+St. Ives and the Dook of Clumber.
+But the Dook of Midhurst was the
+pick of the bunch. Why, once he went
+into a grocer's shop in the High and
+asked for two pounds of treacle. 'How
+will you have it?' asked the grocer,
+who was the baldest-headed man I ever
+seen. 'In my hat,' said the Dook,
+whipping off his bowler and holding it
+out. As soon as it was full, before you
+could say Jack Robinson, he popped
+it on the grocer's head and ran out of
+the shop."</p>
+
+<p>The old man told this terrible story,
+which reminded me of the worst
+cruelties of the despots of the Italian
+Renaissance, with a gusto that was
+inexpressibly painful. When he had
+finished I asked whether the Duke was
+sent down. "Oh, no, Sir," was the
+prompt response. "You see the grocer,
+being a bald-headed man, had no
+trouble with the treacle, and, besides,
+the Dook he gave him a wig next day.
+But if anyone was to do that to-day,
+Dook or no Dook, there'd be questions
+asked about it in the House of Commons,
+or a Royal Commission would
+be appointed. Times is changed," he
+went on sadly, "and there ain't any
+more of the old stock left. Why, the
+Bullingdon Club got three First Classes
+this year, and as for breaking up furniture
+and bonfires in the quad it don't
+happen once in three years. 'Nuts'
+they call 'em now, but when I was a
+young scout they called 'em 'dogs,' and
+gay dogs they were, I can tell you.
+'Bloods' they call 'em, too, but there
+ain't much blue blood in these modern
+Blutocrats."</p>
+
+<p>I asked Mr. Chumbleton if there
+were any signs of Cardinal College
+being affected by the new Moral Uplift,
+but he seemed unable to fathom the
+meaning of my query. His standpoint
+was clearly philistine and, I regret to
+say, distinctly pagan. He had never
+heard of the Land Campaign, or of
+Mr. <span class="sc">Hemmerde</span>, Baron <span class="sc">de Forest</span> or
+even Mr. <span class="sc">Harold Begbie</span>. His attitude
+towards Mr. <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span> was unsympathetic.
+He deplored the popularity
+of motor-bicycles, but, with a
+strange and lamentable perversity, welcomed
+the advent of the motor-'bus
+while condemning the introduction of
+trams.</p>
+
+<p>I came away more than ever impressed
+by the tenacity of feudal traditions,
+and the need of redoubled efforts
+on the part of all Radical stalwarts to
+convert the older universities from hotbeds
+of expensive obscurantism into
+free nurseries of humanitarian democracy.
+It was sad to see such a
+figure as that of Mr. Chumbleton,
+genial and hospitable, I admit, but
+utterly heedless of the trend of the
+times, hopelessly ignorant of the Progressive
+program, and deriving a senile
+satisfaction from memories of a barbarous
+and brutal past.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>Painting the Lily.</h3>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"White duck trousers in a snow-white
+grey material."&mdash;<i>Advt. in "Daily Province"
+(Vancouver).</i></p></div>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<p>From <i>The Daily Mirror's</i> account of
+the <span class="sc">Smith-Carpentier</span> fight:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"One French girl was so excited that she
+bit a large hope in her fan."</p></div>
+
+<p>Not a <i>white</i> hope, we trust.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>THE SINECURE.</h3>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[In <i>The Daily Mail's</i> list of Situations
+Vacant, such as Housemaids (Hmds), Between-maids
+(Bmds), Working Housekeepers (Wkg-hkprs)
+and Cook Generals (Ckgns), appears the
+following:&mdash;"Young Lady wanted for cinema
+acting. Fullest particulars to Box No.&mdash;."]</p></div>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Said she, "<i>The Daily Mail</i> ensures</p>
+<p class="i2">Immediate supply.</p>
+<p class="i0">Whose situation's vacant? Yours.</p>
+<p class="i2">Who's going to fill it? I.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"If you shall ask me, can I act?</p>
+<p class="i2">I readily retort,</p>
+<p class="i0">I'm just the Star you want; in fact</p>
+<p class="i2">The strong and silent sort.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"The sooner you reveal the plot</p>
+<p class="i2">The sooner I begin.</p>
+<p class="i0">In me, I beg to state, you've got</p>
+<p class="i2">The perfect Heroine."</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Said they&mdash;"De Vere's a villain who</p>
+<p class="i2">For reasons not disclosed</p>
+<p class="i0">Desires to make an end of you ..."</p>
+<p class="i2">("The cad!" she interposed).</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">" ... He ties you to a railway line</p>
+<p class="i2">That so the Leeds express</p>
+<p class="i0">May execute his fell design</p>
+<p class="i2">With speed and thoroughness.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"But Herbert's heroism's such,</p>
+<p class="i2">He swears this shall not be.</p>
+<p class="i0">You see, he loves you very much ..."</p>
+<p class="i2">("I guessed he would," said she).</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">" ... He hires a rapid motor car,</p>
+<p class="i2">He also buys a map;</p>
+<p class="i0">He knows how fast expresses are,</p>
+<p class="i2">And notes the handicap.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"But, as he is a man of parts</p>
+<p class="i2">And born to play the game,</p>
+<p class="i0">Without delay the hero starts ..."</p>
+<p class="i2">"We'd better do the same."</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">They chose a quiet neighbourhood,</p>
+<p class="i2">A lonely piece of track;</p>
+<p class="i0">They trusted that the metals would</p>
+<p class="i2">Not incommode her back.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"This is De Vere," they said, "whose hand</p>
+<p class="i2">Will tie you firmly down.</p>
+<p class="i0">Meanwhile your Herb, we understand,</p>
+<p class="i2">Is on his way from town.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"We do not, though one can't be sure.</p>
+<p class="i2">Anticipate the worst;</p>
+<p class="i0">Expresses may be premature;</p>
+<p class="i2">Still, Herbert <i>should</i> be first.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"Such realism must excite</p>
+<p class="i2">The audience (and you) ...</p>
+<p class="i0">If you are ready we are quite;</p>
+<p class="i2">Your train will soon be due."</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">She formed a resolution, viz.,</p>
+<p class="i2">To put no trust in men,</p>
+<p class="i0">But hire herself to mistresses,</p>
+<p class="i2">A whole, if humble, ckgn.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[Pg 83]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%;">
+<a href="images/083.png">
+<img src="images/083.png" width="100%" alt="ISN&#39;T IT ABOUT TIME YOU
+TOOK ME OUT OF THIS?" /></a>
+<h3>AT DURAZZO-SUPER-MARE.</h3>
+<p style="margin-left:.1in;text-indent:-.1in"><span class="sc">Mpret.</span> "I DON'T FEEL AT ALL COMFORTABLE HERE. ISN'T IT ABOUT TIME YOU
+TOOK ME OUT OF THIS?"<br /><br />
+<span class="sc">Europa</span> (<i>sleepily</i>). "MPRAPS"</p>
+</div>
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[Pg 84]</a></span>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[Pg 85]</a></span>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+<a href="images/085.png">
+<img src="images/085.png" width="100%" alt="There goes Sir Beerbohm Alexander." /></a>
+"<span class="sc">Look, Ethel, look&mdash;there goes Sir Beerbohm Alexander"&nbsp;&nbsp;
+"So it is; but how unlike</span>!"
+</div>
+
+
+
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>ONCE UPON A TIME.</h3>
+
+<p class="center"><span class="sc">Transmigration.</span></p>
+
+
+<p>Once upon a time there was an
+ostrich who, though very ostrichy, was
+even more of an egoist. He thought
+only of himself. That is not a foible
+peculiar to ostriches, but this particular
+fowl&mdash;and he was very particular&mdash;was
+notable for it. "Where do I come in?"
+was a question written all over him&mdash;from
+his ridiculous and inadequate head,
+down his long neck, on his plump
+fluffy body, and so to his exceedingly
+flat and over-sized feet.</p>
+
+<p>It was in Afric's burning sand&mdash;to
+be precise, at the Cape&mdash;that, on the
+approach of danger, the ostrich secreted
+his self-centred head, and here from
+time to time his plumes were plucked
+from him for purposes of trade.</p>
+
+<p>Now it happened that in London
+there was a theatre given up to a season
+of foreign opera, and, this theatre
+having been built by one of those
+gifted geniuses so common among
+theatre architects, it followed that the
+balcony (into which, of course, neither
+the architect nor the manager for whom
+it was built had ever strayed) contained
+a number of seats from which
+no view of the stage was visible at all&mdash;unless
+one stood up, and then the people
+behind were deprived of their view.
+This, of course, means nothing to
+architects or managers. The thought
+that jolly anticipatory parties of simple
+folk bent upon a happy evening may
+be depressed and dashed by a position
+suffering from such disabilities could
+not concern architects and managers,
+for some imagination would be needed
+to understand it.</p>
+
+<p>The new temporary management,
+however (whatever the ordinary management
+might do), recognising the
+rights of the spectator, refrained from
+selling any seats from which no view
+whatever could be obtained and behaved
+very well about it&mdash;as perhaps one has
+to do when half-a-guinea is charged for
+each seat; but with the border-line
+seats which they did sell&mdash;those on the
+confines of the possible area&mdash;- a view
+of the stage was only partial and so
+much a matter of touch-and-go that any
+undue craning of the neck or moving
+of the head sideways at once interrupted
+the line of vision of many worthy folk
+at the back; while anyone leaning too
+far forward from a seat in the front
+row could instantly, for many others,
+obliterate the whole stage.</p>
+
+<p>It happened that on a certain very
+hot night in July a fat lady in one of
+the front seats not only leaned forward
+but fanned herself intermittently with
+a large fan.</p>
+
+<p>Now and then one of the unfortunate
+half-guinea seat-holders behind her in
+the debatable territory remonstrated
+gently and politely, remarking on the
+privation her fan was causing to others,
+and each time the lady smiled and said
+she was very sorry and put the fan
+down; but in two minutes she was
+fluttering it again as hard as ever, and
+not a vestige of the Pentateuchal caperings
+or whatever was going forward
+could be discerned in her vicinity.</p>
+
+<p>She meant well, poor lady; but it
+was very hot, and how could she help
+it when her fan was made of that particular
+ostrich's feathers?</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"Methods of sowing, reaping, watering, and
+thrashing have been passed down from father
+to son through countless generations."</p>
+
+<p><i>Chronicle of London Missionary Society.</i></p></div>
+
+<p>Of thrashing, anyhow.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"The feature of the Keswick valley is its
+spacious width of skyscrape."&mdash;<i>L.&amp; N. W. R.
+Guide to the English Lakes.</i></p></div>
+
+<p>In this respect New York is its only
+serious rival.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</a></span></p>
+<hr />
+
+<h3>MY TROUSSEAU.</h3>
+
+
+<p>Having been a bachelor from my
+earliest youth I suppose I ought to be
+accustomed to the condition; but the
+fact remains that I miss something&mdash;something
+which only a wedding
+supplies.</p>
+
+<p>Curiously enough this want is not a
+wife. I have been without one so long
+that I should not know what to do
+with her if I had one. I should probably
+overlook her, and she would become
+atrophied or die of neglect or
+thirst. Neither do I crave a home of
+my own; nor golden-haired children to
+climb up my knee. I can do without
+these accessories.</p>
+
+<p>But what I do hunger for and what
+I <i>will</i> have is a trousseau. Why the
+acquisition of a trousseau should be a
+purely feminine prerogative
+I have never been able to
+understand. A bride without
+a trousseau is generally
+regarded as an incomplete
+thing&mdash;a poached-egg without
+toast; a salad without
+dressing. But the bridegroom
+without a trousseau
+is a recognised institution.
+True, he has new clothes,
+both seen and unseen, but
+this is not a trousseau; it is
+merely a "replenishment of
+his wardrobe." His least
+disreputable old things are
+"made to do"; and nobody
+thinks slightingly of him
+if he attends his wedding
+in a re-cuffed shirt or in
+boots that have been resoled.
+A girl, however,
+would as soon think of
+entering Paradise with a second-hand
+halo as she would contemplate being
+married in anything that was not
+aggressively new.</p>
+
+<p>Thus it is that before my wish can
+be consummated I have two honoured
+conventions to defy: that only a girl
+may possess a trousseau, and that a
+marriage is a necessary condition to
+the acquiring of it. Fortunately I
+am strong-minded. A long course of
+Mrs. <span class="sc">Humphry Ward's</span> homilies has
+given me no little facility in achieving
+this attribute, and I am determined
+that I will change neither my sex nor
+my status.</p>
+
+<p>Now, I have prepared a list, just as&mdash;I
+suppose&mdash;every girl does. In the
+first place I am going to indulge in
+the hitherto undreamt-of luxury of a
+surfeit of dress-shirts. No one who
+has not experienced life on two dress-shirts&mdash;one
+in wear, the other in the
+wash&mdash;can quite understand what this
+will mean to me. Men like Sir <span class="sc">Joseph
+Beecham</span>, Mr. <span class="sc">Mallaby-Deeley</span>, Mr.
+<span class="sc">Solly Joel</span>, Lord <span class="sc">Howard de Walden</span>,
+and others, who, I daresay, have four
+or even five, cannot know what it is
+to feel that their evening's refreshment
+and entertainment depend on
+their finding the French chalk or the
+india-rubber.</p>
+
+<p>Therefore I am making no stint in
+this matter. I am having fifteen dress-shirts,
+so that there may be one for
+wear each day in the week, seven in
+the laundry, and one over for emergencies&mdash;like
+<i>Parsifal</i>, that begins
+in the middle of the afternoon. I mean
+to be similarly lavish in the matter of
+collars and handkerchiefs. The number
+of the former which I am buying
+amounts almost to an epidemic; while
+the extent of my commission in the
+latter is the result of lessons learnt in
+the hard school of experience. I say
+unhesitatingly that the man who tries
+to get through life on a mere dozen
+handkerchiefs is simply begging for
+disaster, as, however methodical in
+their use he may be, a carelessly-caught
+cold may any day upset his reckoning
+and leave him at a loose end; sometimes
+scarcely that. Hence I am doing
+this part of my trousseau in princely
+fashion. I am having half a gross of
+them.</p>
+
+<p>Then there is my slumber-wear. For
+years I have hungered for silk ones,
+but have had no conscientious excuse
+for appeasing my appetite. To buy silk
+pyjamas in cold blood has hitherto
+seemed to me to be sheer cynical extravagance;
+but now I feel that circumstances
+justify me in my action,
+for it would be a very sorry thing for
+me to encounter a burglar or cope with
+a fire clad in apparel that would not
+be up to the standard of the rest of my
+wardrobe.</p>
+
+<p>Now, I am a great believer in dressing
+for the spirit of the moment; therefore
+I have resolved upon a pretty colour-scheme
+for my night-wear. My pyjamas
+are to be of tints conducive to refreshing
+rest, namely and severally white,
+lemon, light pink, and pale green&mdash;an
+idea which I candidly confess was inspired
+by the spectacle of a Neapolitan
+ice. If you think that this is merely
+an idle whim, just imagine endeavouring
+to sleep in pyjamas patterned like
+an Axminster carpet or a Scotch tartan.
+No wonder <i>Macbeth</i> "murdered sleep"
+if he was arrayed in garments of his
+club-colours!</p>
+
+<p>I have brought the same &aelig;sthetic
+sense to bear upon my choice of ties
+and socks: greys and blacks for times
+of grave political crises; fawn, buff,
+pearl, moose&mdash;I am not sure that this
+is a colour, but it sounds
+quite possible&mdash;for brighter
+hours; and colours familiar
+to every student of spectroscopy
+for halcyon days of
+rejoicing&mdash;the opening of
+the Royal Academy, the
+Handel Festival, the return
+of <span class="sc">Harry Lauder</span>, or the
+elevation of Mr. <span class="sc">Bernard
+Shaw</span> to the peerage.</p>
+
+<p>As for externals, suffice
+it to say that they will be
+<i>en suite</i>, and that I intend
+to introduce just a little
+touch of originality into my
+trousers. I am going to
+have them made with spats
+sewn to the leg-ends in
+order to save time and
+trouble in dressing.</p>
+
+<p>In short, I have forgotten
+nothing, except spare studs,
+and I think it is quite likely that
+I shall remember them too in course
+of time. I have even gone so far as
+to fix a day for a dress rehearsal.
+But first I shall invite my friends,
+as is the way with brides-elect, to a
+private view of my trousseau, when
+they shall see all of it spread upon the
+coverlet of my bed, over the backs of
+my chairs, or hanging in serried ranks
+in my wardrobe.</p>
+
+<p>And now nothing more remains
+to be done but to raise the necessary
+funds, and with this object in view
+I have instructed my broker to draw
+my money out of the Savings Bank.
+I am expecting a postal-order almost
+any moment.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%;">
+<a href="images/086.png"><img src="images/086.png" width="100%" alt="How fast can she travel" /></a>
+<p style="margin-left:.1in;text-indent:-.1in"><i>Yokel.</i> "<span class="sc">'Ow fast can she travel, Master?"</span><br /></p>
+<p style="margin-left:.1in;text-indent:-.1in"><i>Owner.</i> <span class="sc">"Fifty miles an hour, my man&mdash;even sixty if I care
+to push her."</span><br /></p>
+<p style="margin-left:.1in;text-indent:-.1in"><i>Yokel.</i> <span class="sc">"An' 'ow many if ye both shove?</span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"'Anna virumque cano' was the burden of
+the charge the Chief Secretary had to meet,
+and it sorely embarrassed the dear gentleman."&mdash;<i>Liverpool
+Courier.</i></p></div>
+
+<p>Who is "<span class="sc">Anna</span>"? We hope Mr.
+<span class="sc">Birrell</span> is not mixed up in a scandal.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[Pg 87]</a></span>
+
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%;">
+<a href="images/087.png">
+<img  width="100%" alt="What are you waitin' here for" src="images/087.png" /></a>
+
+<h4>AN IMPALPABLE FLAME.</h4>
+<p style="margin-left:.1in;text-indent:-.1in"><i>Claude.</i> <span class="sc">"What are you waitin' here for, old thing?"</span></p>
+<p style="margin-left:.1in;text-indent:-.1in"><i>Cuthbert.</i> <span class="sc">"To give these flowers and chocolates to that stunning
+little girl in 'The Death Kiss of deadman's Gulch.'</span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+<h3>THE AWAKENING</h3>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>A Little Romance of the Restaurant-Car</i>).</p>
+
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Is there a sight so soothing to the brain</p>
+<p class="i2">As England's outlines green and softly curved,</p>
+<p class="i0">Visions of wooded slope and fertile plain</p>
+<p class="i0">Seen by the traveller in a dining-train,</p>
+<p class="i0">No doubts to vex him and no talk to strain,</p>
+<p class="i2">His seat, his chance companion, both reserved?</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">I think not. Yet the rather stoutish man</p>
+<p class="i2">Who never raised his head but chewed and chewed</p>
+<p class="i0">Annoyed me as I feasted. I began</p>
+<p class="i0">To deem him one who had no higher plan,</p>
+<p class="i0">No larger outlook in life's journeyings, than</p>
+<p class="i2">Resonant demolition of his food.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">I longed to point to him the hedges twined</p>
+<p class="i2">With starry blossoms, and the coats like silk</p>
+<p class="i0">Of oxen as they wandered unconfined;</p>
+<p class="i0">I longed to ask him if his heavier mind</p>
+<p class="i0">Preferred the cattle of more stedfast kind</p>
+<p class="i2">Stamped with advertisements of malted milk.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">The little red-brick hamlets, poised apart,</p>
+<p class="i2">And all the grandeur of the rolling leas,</p>
+<p class="i0">I longed to ask him if they brought no smart</p>
+<p class="i0">Of scarce-remembered boyhood to his heart.</p>
+<p class="i0">But I refrained; and he took cherry tart</p>
+<p class="i2">And after that two different kinds of cheese.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">And then we neared a little market town</p>
+<p class="i2">Half hidden in the dale, that seemed to cling</p>
+<p class="i0">Fondly about a church of old renown;</p>
+<p class="i0">And here the fat man started and looked down</p>
+<p class="i0">And filled his tumbler to the foaming crown</p>
+<p class="i2">And held it high as if to pledge the <span class="sc">king</span>.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Some memory seemed to stir within his breast</p>
+<p class="i2">As though the curtain of old days were torn,</p>
+<p class="i0">And, as he drained the glass with eager zest,</p>
+<p class="i0">"Behold," I thought, "I wronged him. In that nest,</p>
+<p class="i0">So far from turmoil, full of old-world rest</p>
+<p class="i2">(He is about to tell me), he was born.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"And now, before the antique spire hath fled,</p>
+<p class="i2">Because remembrance of his home is dear,</p>
+<p class="i0">He toasts it deeply." All my wrath was dead.</p>
+<p class="i0">Then the man smiled at me and wagged his head;</p>
+<p class="i0">"Junction for Little Barleythorpe," he said;</p>
+<p class="i2">"A week ago these points upset my beer."</p>
+</div></div>
+<p class="author"><span class="sc">Evoe</span>.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</a></span>
+
+<h2>AN UNPLAYED MASTERPIECE.</h2>
+
+<p>[The growing popularity of the one-Act play
+has prompted the aphorism that what is required
+in this class of drama is a "maximum
+of action with a minimum of explanation."
+Nevertheless the following effort has been
+rejected by every Manager in London&mdash;a fact
+which decisively answers the oft-repeated
+question, "Do Managers read plays?"]</p>
+<div class="drama">
+<p><span class="sc">Scene</span>&mdash;<i>A luxuriously furnished room
+in the flat of</i> Violet Hazelwood.
+Violet <i>is seated, writing. The telephone
+on the table rings noisily.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Violet</i> (<i>picking up the receiver</i>).
+Hello! Yes.... It's me.... Oh,
+it's Reggie.... Yes, I'm at home to
+you.... In three minutes?... Right.
+I shall be here.
+(<i>Hangs up receiver.</i>)</p>
+
+<p><i>Maid</i> (<i>entering suddenly</i>). Sir Frank
+Bulkeley, m'm.
+(<i>Goes out and Sir
+Frank enters.</i>)</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir Frank.</i> My dear Violet&mdash;&mdash; (<i>A
+report is heard and a splintering of
+glass.</i>) Confound it all, I'm shot!
+(<i>Falls on floor.</i>)</p>
+
+<p><i>Violet.</i> Yes, he certainly appears to
+be shot. I'd better go and see the
+police about it.(<i>Goes out.</i>)</p>
+
+<p><i>Reggie Fortescue (entering precipitately</i>).
+Violet.... (<i>Looking round
+in perplexity</i>). Not here! She said
+she would be here.... She is false
+to me. False! I have nothing left to
+live for.
+(<i>Takes out a revolver, shoots
+himself and falls on the floor.</i>)</p>
+
+<p><i>Gerald Maristowe (entering cautiously
+through the window and carrying a rifle</i>).
+This is a devil of a risky business, this
+rifle practice, but Ulster must be saved
+somehow. I see I've broken the window.
+Wonder if I've done any other
+damage. (<i>Sees</i> Sir Frank.) Gee! I've
+killed a man! (<i>Sees</i> Reggie.) Oh, glory!
+I've killed two of 'em! Reggie, too,
+by all that's rum! I say, you know,
+that's pretty useful shooting.... Still,
+it probably means hanging, and I'm&mdash;er&mdash;hanged
+if I'll be hanged. Let me
+rather die by my own hand. (<i>Discharges
+rifle at himself, and falls on floor.</i>)</p>
+
+<p><i>Violet</i> (<i>re-entering with an Inspector
+and a Constable</i>). There he is, Inspector.
+(<i>Sees</i> Gerald.) My goodness, there seem
+to be two now! I feel sure.... (<i>Sees</i>
+Reggie.) <i>Three!</i> Really, Inspector, I
+feel almost certain that when I left....
+Oh, it's Reggie! My heart is broken!
+(<i>Faints.</i>)</p>
+
+<p><i>Inspector.</i> Stand back, Clarkson; this
+job requires thought. (<i>Takes up telephone
+receiver.</i>) Circus 20634, Miss....
+That you Doc.? Come round at once,
+please.... Two or three men shot....
+Right.... (<i>Hangs up receiver.</i>)
+Clarkson, measure the exact distance
+between each corpse and the window.
+(Clarkson <i>proceeds to do so</i>. <i>Enter</i>
+Doctor.) Ah, Doc., that's the little job
+I mentioned.</p>
+
+<p><i>Doctor</i> (<i>kneeling by</i> Violet). This one
+isn't shot; she's only fainted. She'll
+be all right in a minute. (<i>Examines</i>
+Gerald.) Nor is this one. <i>He</i>'ll be all
+right in a minute. (<i>Examines</i> Reggie.)
+Nor is this one. <i>He'</i>ll be all right in
+a minute. (<i>Examines</i> Sir Frank.) This
+one is, though. Dead as a door-nail.
+(Violet, Reggie <i>and</i> Gerald <i>rise simultaneously
+to their feet</i>.) There you are!
+I told you so.</p>
+
+<p><i>Gerald</i> (<i>aside</i>). Missed!</p>
+
+<p><i>Reggie</i> (<i>aside</i>). Missed! (<i>Aloud</i>)
+Violet, I love you!</p>
+
+<p><i>Violet.</i> I'm <i>so</i> glad, because I love
+you.</p>
+
+<p><i>Reggie</i> (<i>confidentially</i>). Do you know,
+I really thought I was dead. Hello.
+Gerald, old son, what are you doing
+here?</p>
+
+<p><i>Gerald.</i> Oh, I thought I'd sort of
+look in, you know.</p>
+
+<p><i>Inspector.</i> Violet Hazelwood, I arrest
+you for the murder of Sir Frank
+Bulkeley, Bart., and I warn you that
+anything you may say will be used in
+evidence against you. Clarkson, stop
+playing with that tape and handcuff the
+prisoner. (Clarkson <i>does so</i>.)</p>
+
+<p><i>Gerald</i> (<i>aside</i>). Good business! That
+saves <i>my</i> neck.</p>
+
+<p><i>Violet.</i> But, my dear good soul....
+However, I suppose it's no use to say
+anything. Reggie, I can never marry
+you now.</p>
+
+<p><i>Reggie.</i> You couldn't in any case, my
+dear, because I haven't got any money.</p>
+
+<p><i>Violet.</i> You forget that you are sole
+heir to Sir Frank there, who had fourteen
+thousand a year. <i>I</i> thought of
+that at once.</p>
+
+<p><i>Reggie.</i> Columbus! So I am. Well,
+that <i>is</i> a dashed nuisance.</p>
+
+<p><i>Gerald</i> (<i>coming forward nobly</i>). My
+dear, dear friends, I cannot allow your
+happiness to be wrecked in this way.
+I killed Sir Frank! You can be married
+now.</p>
+
+<p><i>Reggie.</i> Good egg! (<i>Embraces</i> Violet.)</p>
+
+<p><i>Inspector.</i> Gerald Maristowe, I arrest
+you for the murder of Sir Frank
+Bulkeley, Bart., and I warn you that
+anything you may say will be used in
+evidence against you.</p>
+
+<p><i>Violet.</i> Oh, we must save him. What
+can we do?</p>
+
+<p><i>Clarkson.</i> Lady, do you remember
+years ago giving sixpence to a starving
+boy in Peckham Rye?</p>
+
+<p><i>Violet.</i> Yes.</p>
+
+<p><i>Clarkson.</i> <i>I</i> am&mdash;that is, <i>was</i>&mdash;that
+boy. I will save your friend. Inspector,
+you know that a reward of
+&pound;10,000 is offered for the capture of
+the anarchist Mazzio?</p>
+
+<p><i>Inspector.</i> Yes. I wish to heaven
+I could lay my hands on him.</p>
+
+<p><i>Clarkson.</i> I can tell you how to do so.</p>
+
+<p><i>Inspector.</i> How?</p>
+
+<p><i>Clarkson</i> (<i>dramatically tearing off his
+wig and false moustache</i>). I am Mazzio!
+(<i>Turning to</i> Gerald <i>and the others</i>) I
+shall struggle violently. While he is
+engaged in arresting me, you can make
+good your escape.</p>
+
+<p><i>Inspector.</i> Ha! Do you think I can
+be so easily baffled? (<i>Picking up telephone
+receiver.</i>) There are other police
+in the neighbourhood.</p>
+
+<p><i>Violet.</i> Not so. (<i>Slashes through the
+telephone cord with a knife</i>).</p>
+
+<p><i>Gerald.</i> Bravo!</p>
+
+<p><i>Inspector.</i> Oh, well, never mind.
+(<i>Puts his head out of the window and
+blows a police whistle. The others look
+at one another in consternation.</i>) <i>Now</i>
+I think I am master of the situation.</p>
+
+<p><i>Clarkson.</i> Foiled! All the same, you
+are less fortunate than you imagine.
+When I said I was Mazzio, I lied.</p>
+
+<p><i>Inspector.</i> Prove it.</p>
+
+<p><i>Clarkson.</i> Easily. Mazzio has a scar
+on his left forearm. (<i>Rolling up sleeve.</i>)
+I have none.</p>
+
+<p><i>Inspector.</i> Oh, well, never mind. I
+can now proceed with the arrest of the
+murderer of Sir Frank Bulkeley, Bart.</p>
+
+<p><i>Gerald</i> (<i>aside</i>). I'm done for!</p>
+
+<p><i>Clarkson.</i> There <i>must</i> be some way
+of escape. Doc., it's up to you to do
+something.</p>
+
+<p><i>Doctor.</i> With pleasure. I certify that
+Sir Frank died from heart disease.</p>
+
+<p><i>Inspector</i> (<i>stammering</i>). But&mdash;but&mdash;but
+he's <i>obviously</i> shot. I mean to
+say&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Doctor.</i> I certify that Sir Frank
+Bulkeley died from heart disease ten
+seconds before the bullet struck him
+You can do nothing in the face of my
+certificate.</p>
+
+<p><i>Gerald, Reggie and Violet.</i> Saved!</p>
+</div>
+<h4><span class="sc">Curtain.</span></h4>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>This Wonderful World.</h4>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"A Hamburg bookkeeper named Schute
+who has just celebrated his 8th birthday, has
+been with his employers for sixty years, while
+his son, his grandson, and his great-grandson
+are also working for them."</p>
+
+<p><i>The Evening News.</i></p></div>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"During the last two years some marvellous
+'finds' have been made at this wonderful
+fortress from time to time. It is intended to
+continue excavation work for a moth."</p></div>
+
+<p><i>Denbighshire Free Press.</i></p>
+
+<p>They can be caught much better with
+beer and treacle.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<h4>"LIBERAL MEMBER RESIGNS."</h4>
+<div class="center">
+<span class="sc">Will Stand as Independent</span>.
+</div>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>London, Wednesday.&mdash;Mr. Joseph Martin.
+Liberal M.P. for East St. Pancras, is resigning
+his seat, and will recontest it as an
+independent South Pole under American
+auspices."&mdash;<i>Sydney Daily Telegraph.</i></p></div>
+
+<p>Sir <span class="sc">Ernest Shackleton</span> must look out.</p><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%;">
+<a href="images/089.png">
+<img src="images/089.png" width="100%" alt="Golf cartoon"  /></a>
+
+<p style="margin-left:.1in;text-indent:-.1in"><i>First Caddie.</i> "<span class="sc">Does it make yer dizzy lookin' down these 'oles?</span>"</p>
+<p style="margin-left:.1in;text-indent:-.1in"><i>Second Caddie.</i> <span class="sc">"No."</span></p>
+<p style="margin-left:.1in;text-indent:-.1in"><i>First Caddie.</i>" <span class="sc">Then why don't you go to the pin sometimes</span>?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>THE FIRST TEE.</h3>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>Mullion, July 17th.</i>)</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">It is the place, it is the place, my soul!</p>
+<p class="i2">(Blow, bugle, blow; sing, triangle; toot, life!)</p>
+<p class="i0">Down to the sea the close-cropped pastures roll,</p>
+<p class="i0">Couches behind yon sandy hill the goal</p>
+<p class="i2">Whereat, it may be, after ceaseless strife</p>
+<p class="i0">The "Colonel" shall find peace, and Henry say, "Your hole" ...</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Caddie, give me my driver, caddie,</p>
+<p class="i2">The sun shines hot, but there's half a breeze,</p>
+<p class="i0">Enough to rustle the tree-tops, laddie,</p>
+<p class="i2">Only supposing there were some trees;</p>
+<p class="i0">The year's at the full and the morn's at eleven,</p>
+<p class="i0">It's a wonderful day just straight from Heaven,</p>
+<p class="i0">And this is a hole I can do in seven&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i4">Caddie, my driver, please.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Three times a day from now till Monday week</p>
+<p class="i2">(Ten peerless days in all) I take my stand</p>
+<p class="i0">Vestured in some <i>d&eacute;gag&eacute;</i> mode of breek</p>
+<p class="i0">(The chess-board touch, with squares that almost speak),</p>
+<p class="i2">And lightly sketch my Slice into the Sand,</p>
+<p class="i0">As based on bigger men, but much of it unique ...</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Caddie, give me my driver, caddie,</p>
+<p class="i2">Note my style on the first few tees;</p>
+<p class="i0"><span class="sc">Duncan</span> fashioned my wrist-work, laddie,</p>
+<p class="i2"><span class="sc">Taylor</span> taught me to twist my knees;</p>
+<p class="i0">I've a beautiful swing that I learnt from <span class="sc">Vardon</span></p>
+<p class="i0">(I practise it sometimes down the garden&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i0">"My fault! Sorry! I <i>beg</i> your pardon!")&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i4">Caddie, my driver, please.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Only ten little days, in which to do</p>
+<p class="i2">So much! <i>E.g.</i>, the twelfth: ah it was there</p>
+<p class="i0">The Secretary met his Waterloo,</p>
+<p class="i0">But perished gamely, playing twenty-two;</p>
+<p class="i2">His clubs (<i>ten little days!</i>) lie bleaching where</p>
+<p class="i0">Sea-poppies blow (<i>ten days!</i>) and wheeling sea-birds mew ...</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Caddie, give me my driver, caddie,</p>
+<p class="i2">Let us away with thoughts like these;</p>
+<p class="i0">A week and a-half is a lifetime, laddie,</p>
+<p class="i2">The day that's here is the day to seize;</p>
+<p class="i0"><i>Carpe diem</i>&mdash;yes, that's the motto,</p>
+<p class="i0">"Work be jiggered!" and likewise "What ho!"</p>
+<p class="i0"><span class="sc">I'm not going back till I've jolly well got to</span>!</p>
+<p class="i4">Caddie, my driver, please.</p>
+</div></div>
+<p class="author">A. A. M.<br /></p>
+
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"The 'Gunboat' and his manager, Mr. Buckley, lounged out on
+the beautiful old English lawn among the rose bushes and drank
+in the sunshine."&mdash;<i>Daily Mirror.</i></p></div>
+
+<p>What offers from brewers, distillers, etc., to name the
+particular beverage which they drank in the sunshine?</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"Sir James Key Caird, the millionaire duke manufacturer of
+Dundee."&mdash;<i>Montreal Gazette.</i></p></div>
+
+<p>His yearly output is singularly small.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</a></span>
+
+
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%;">
+<a href="images/090.png">
+<img width="100%"   alt="Women in the Ring" src="images/090.png" /></a>
+<h4>THE SEX'S PROGRESS.</h4>
+<span class="sc">From "women at Prize-Fights" To "Women in the Ring" should be an easy step
+in the upward movement</span>.
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>THE PUNCHER'S GRIEVANCE.</h3>
+
+<p>"You journalist chaps just spoil us,"
+said Puncher Pete, when I called upon
+him yesterday at his training camp.
+"You draw us into conversation, stick
+down our remarks in your note-books,
+and then make us out to be the biggest
+boasters on the face of the earth. It's
+not right.</p>
+
+<p>"For instance, you've got it on the
+tip of your tongue to ask me if I think
+I'll lick Jimmy Battle next Thursday.
+Well, of course I'll lick him. Jimmy's
+a good boy, but he can't stay, and then
+<i>he</i> hasn't gone twenty rounds with
+three blacks, as I have. But what's
+my opinion matter to you? Why
+make me shout it out like a cock on
+a steeple?</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, I shall beat Jimmy. Six
+rounds will cure him. All right. Very
+well then. Leave it at that.</p>
+
+<p>"One of your fellows called upon me
+two days ago. 'Pete,' he said, 'they
+say you're ill.' 'You tell 'em to mind
+their own ills,' I gave him back. Ill,
+indeed! If I were ill could I walk my
+forty miles a day and think nothing of
+it?" Could I lift Harry Blokes there
+with one hand and hold him above my
+head? D'you suppose a sick man
+could do <i>this</i>?"</p>
+
+<p>The Puncher seized a skipping-rope
+and did marvellous things with it.
+Then he smashed lustily at a punch-ball,
+left, right, left, right, duck, bing!
+"Here, Harry!" he cried. His sparring
+partner approached, bruised but
+beaming. The Puncher knocked him
+down.</p>
+
+<p>"I seem ill, don't I?" said Pete,
+turning to me. "But what's it got to
+do with all you chaps, anyway? Wait
+till Thursday. Then you'll find out
+whether I'm ill or not. And even if I
+was ill Jimmy couldn't do it. Jimmy's
+got as good a punch as the next man.
+I'll say that for him. If he gets it in
+it would foil an ox. But can he get it
+in? Not next Thursday.</p>
+
+<p>"Now, see here, you're not going to
+draw any words from me about the
+coming fight. You may draw others.
+I refuse. Let's get right off this fight
+and on to other things.</p>
+
+<p>"After all, fighters are modest chaps.
+When I knocked Torpedo Troop out
+in three rounds last April for a purse
+of &pound;5,000 and the Championship of
+Nova Scotia I didn't go bragging. I
+might have said that this was the first
+time that the Torpedo had ever had
+his eyes closed. Well, I didn't. What's
+more, I never shall. Tell your reader
+that!</p>
+
+<p>"Take my victory over Quartermain,
+again. Or over Dinghy Abbs, who was
+down and out in the second round in
+spite of all the fuss that was made about
+him beforehand. I was a sick man at
+both these fights. Not a soul knew it,
+mind you. My wife&mdash;for I'm as fond
+of home life as any ordinary man, and
+we have a little baby&mdash;my wife used to
+worry terribly. She'd expect me to
+come home on a stretcher. But I
+never happened to choose that conveyance,
+and she don't fret any more.</p>
+
+<p>"Will it be a stretcher on Thursday?
+I can see you want to put that question,
+but I'll ask you to excuse me. Next
+Thursday, as I've already hinted, will
+tell its own story, and when I say that
+the tale will have a happy ending for
+one of us who isn't too far from your
+ear to boast about it if he was inclined
+that way, perhaps you'll guess without
+my telling you what I mean.</p>
+
+<p>"Not at all, Sir. Don't mention it.
+I'm always glad to have a friendly chat
+with anyone, and I hope you'll forgive
+me for refusing to talk shop."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[Pg 91]</a></span></p>
+<hr />
+
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%;">
+<a href="images/091.png">
+<img width="100%" alt="PERMIT ME, GENTLEMEN" src="images/091.png" /></a>
+
+<h4>A RESORT TO THE OBVIOUS.</h4>
+<p style="margin-left:.1in;text-indent:-.1in"><span class="sc">Mr. Punch.</span> "PERMIT ME, GENTLEMEN&mdash;I DON'T THINK YOU KNOW ONE ANOTHER:
+SIR EDWARD CARSON&mdash;MR. REDMOND. IT'S MORE THAN TIME YOU MET."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[Pg 92]</a></span></p><br />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[Pg 93]</a></span>
+<h3>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h3>
+
+<p class="center">(<span class="sc">Extracted from the Diary
+of Toby, M.P.</span>)</p>
+
+<p><i>House of Lords, Monday, July
+13.</i>&mdash;<span class="sc">Camperdown</span>, like <span class="sc">Habakkuk</span>,
+is <i>capable de tout</i>. Can do
+(is at least ready to undertake)
+anything. Like Lord <span class="sc">John
+Russell</span>, he would at an hour's
+notice take charge of the British
+fleet, whether in Home waters
+or on Foreign stations. Confesses
+with pathetic modesty
+that there are two things beyond
+his capacity. One is to find a
+needle in a pottle of hay; the
+other, to discover a teller in
+Division Lobby when no one
+proposes to tell.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 40%;">
+<a href="images/093a.png">
+<img width="100%" src="images/093a.png" alt="Masterman recalls happy memories" /></a>
+<p style="margin-left:.1in;text-indent:-.1in">The shade of <span class="sc">Masterman</span> recalls happy memories to the
+inconsolable <span class="sc">Worthington Evans</span>.</p>
+</div>
+
+<p>To-night this last dilemma
+faced noble earl. Home Rule
+Amendment Bill before House
+in Report stage. <span class="sc">Macdonell</span>
+moved amendment introducing
+principle of proportional representation.
+After long debate
+Question put from Woolsack. There
+being a few cries of "Not content!"
+House cleared for division.</p>
+
+<p>Hereupon strange thing happened.
+Whilst majority of peers streamed into
+Content Lobby discovery was made that
+not only were there no tellers for the
+Not-Contents but no Not-Contents for
+the tellers. Fortunately <span class="sc">Camperdown</span>
+on the spot. Instantly took charge of
+the affair. According to his own
+narrative, which thrilled the
+listening Senate, he had gone
+into Division Lobby, "where,"
+he added, "I stayed a long time."</p>
+
+<p>Began to realise something of
+the feeling of the boy who stood
+on the burning deck whence all
+but he had fled. <span class="sc">Camperdown</span>
+essentially a man of action.
+No use mooning round deserted
+Lobby wondering where everybody
+was.</p>
+
+<p>"I tried," he protested, "to
+find a teller for the Not-Contents,
+which I was not able to do.
+There were no Not-Contents in
+the Not-Contents' Lobby and
+there were no tellers. I do not
+know," he added, turning his
+head with enquiring pose, like
+<i>Mr. Pecksniff</i> asking his pupil
+<i>Martin Chuzzlewit</i> to take compass,
+pencil and paper, and "give
+me your idea of a wooden leg,"
+"whether any of your lordships
+have seen an occurrence like
+this before. I have not."</p>
+
+<p>Murmur of sympathy ran
+round perturbed benches. Dilemma
+awful, unprecedented,
+irretrievable. But everyone felt that
+<span class="sc">Camperdown</span> had done his duty, and
+that if he had failed to find Not-Contents
+in an empty Lobby no one else
+could have found them.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;In House of Commons
+<span class="sc">Premier</span> announced winding-up
+of business at earliest possible moment
+with intent to meet again in
+"early winter" for new Session. No
+Autumn Session, you'll observe.
+Feeling against it so strong that
+insistence might have broken
+bonds that link faithful Ministerialists
+with their esteemed
+Leader. Accordingly prorogation
+about usual time in
+August, and new Session, instead
+of opening in February,
+will date from November. When
+we come to think of it, seems
+to amount to much the same
+thing as Autumn Session, which
+usually begins in mid-October.
+That an illusion. There will be
+no Autumn Session. Only we
+shall all be back at Westminster
+again in drear November.</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 40%;">
+<a href="images/093b.png">
+<img src="images/093b.png" width="100%" alt="adaptations of a German system" /></a>
+<p style="margin-left:.1in;text-indent:-.1in">"He did not want these adaptations of a German system,
+which the <span class="sc">Chancellor of the Exchequer</span> seemed to have
+chosen."&mdash;<i>Lord <span class="sc">Hugh Cecil.</span></i></p>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>House of Commons, Tuesday.</i>&mdash;Like
+<span class="sc">Rachel</span> weeping for her
+children, the Opposition will not
+be comforted in respect of the
+continued absence of <span class="sc">Chancellor</span>
+of the Duchy. 'Tis a touching
+trait, illustrating the high
+level of human nature the
+Commons reach. Had it been
+<span class="sc">Masterman's</span> political friends
+who mourned his absence, recognising
+in it cause of insecurity for the Empire,
+situation would be natural and comprehensible.
+It is from the so-labelled
+enemy's camp that lamentation is
+sounded. <span class="sc">Worthington Evans, Masterman's</span>
+severest censor whilst he still
+sat on Treasury Bench in charge of
+Insurance Act, is in especial degree inconsolable.
+Physically and intellectually
+reduced to a pulp&mdash;using
+the word of course in Parliamentary
+sense.</p>
+
+<p>As he is too unnerved to
+dwell upon subject, <span class="sc">Barnston</span>
+and <span class="sc">Hayes Fisher</span> to-day take
+it up. Want to know how long
+a state of things most painful
+on their side of the House is
+to continue? <span class="sc">Premier</span> makes
+light reply. Points out that
+it's no new thing for a Minister
+to fail to find a seat, the globe
+meanwhile serenely revolving
+on its axis. In 1885 and in 1892
+the Duchy was unrepresented on
+the Treasury Bench.</p>
+
+<p>A more striking case, overlooked
+by <span class="sc">Premier</span>, of a Minister
+long struggling with adversity
+at the poll finding the
+door of House of Commons
+bolted and barred is familiar to
+Lord <span class="sc">Halsbury</span>. Appointed
+Solicitor-General in 1875 <span class="sc">Hardinge
+Giffard</span> did not take his
+seat till the Session of 1877.
+Crushed at Cardiff, left in the
+lurch at Launceston, hustled at
+Horsham, named as a probable
+starter at every election race<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</a></span>
+in the three kingdoms taking place
+within a period of eighteen months,
+he persuaded the blushing borough of
+Launceston, on a second wooing, to
+yield to his advances.</p>
+
+<p>Oddly enough, when at last he came
+to the Table to take the oath, he found
+he had mislaid the return to the writ,
+production of which is indispensable
+preliminary. Was nearly turned back,
+a calamity averted by discovery of the
+document in his hat on a bench
+under the Gallery where he had
+awaited <span class="sc">Speaker's</span> summons to
+the Table.</p>
+
+<p>But precedents are nothing when
+the bosom is deeply stirred.</p>
+
+<p>"Can't the <span class="sc">Chancellor</span> of the
+Duchy make an effort to secure a
+seat?" <span class="sc">Barnston</span> asked in tremulous
+voice.</p>
+
+<p>"He has made two already,"
+retorted the practical <span class="sc">Premier</span>.</p>
+
+<p>Then came along <span class="sc">Watt</span>, with
+cryptic inquiry breaking silence
+that brooded over Ministerial
+benches.</p>
+
+<p>"Has the time not arrived," he
+asked, "to jettison <span class="sc">Jonah</span>, in view
+of the fact that nobody seems
+willing to swallow him but the
+whale?"</p>
+
+<p>House left thinking the matter
+over.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;House of Lords
+passed Third Reading of transformed
+Home Rule Amendment
+Bill. In the Commons Budget Bill
+again dealt with in Committee.
+Sharp strictures from both sides.
+But Ministerialists who had come
+to criticise remained to vote in its
+favour. Majority accordingly maintained
+at normal level.</p>
+
+<p><i>Wednesday.</i>&mdash;<span class="sc">Son Austen</span>, who
+little more than a fortnight ago left
+the House Member for East Worcester,
+returned to-day representing
+the division of Birmingham where
+his father sat impregnably throned
+for uninterrupted period of twenty-nine
+years. As he walked up to
+Table to take the oath and sign afresh
+the roll of Parliament, was hailed by
+hearty burst of general cheering.</p>
+
+<p>This rare. Common enough for one
+or other political party to welcome
+recruit to its ranks. On such occasions,
+the other side sit silent, save when
+especial circumstances elicit responsive
+bout of ironical cheering. To-day's
+demonstration afforded striking recognition
+of genuine merit modestly displayed.</p>
+
+<p>Ever a difficult thing for young
+Member to be son of distinguished
+father also seated in the House. Position
+to be sustained only by exercise
+of qualities of mind and manner
+rarely combined. Whilst his father
+yet enthralled attention and admiration
+of House by supreme capacity
+<span class="sc">Son Austen</span> successfully faced the
+ordeal. After <span class="sc">Don Jos&eacute;'s</span> withdrawal
+from the scene his son's advance to a
+leading place in the councils of his
+party and the estimation of the House
+was rapid. Within limits of present
+Session he has shown increased power
+as a debater, promising attainment of
+still loftier heights. Ever courteous in
+manner, untainted by the "new style"
+deplored by <span class="sc">Premier</span>, he, though an
+uncompromising party man, has made
+no personal enemies among any section
+of his political opponents.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;House of Lords
+threw out Plural Voters Bill on second
+time of asking. Commons still in Committee
+on Budget.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35%;">
+<a href="images/094.png">
+<img width="100%" src="images/094.png" alt="A REVOLTING TASK." /></a>
+
+<h4>A REVOLTING TASK.</h4>
+<center><span class="sc">The waiter's early-morning job.</span></center>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"Hearne and Mead, the not-outs of Monday,
+were separated at 80, their partnership
+having yielded 441 in forty-five minutes."</p>
+
+<p><i>Daily Mail.</i></p></div>
+
+<p>The spectators, we suppose, could stand
+the strain no longer.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>DIPLOMACY.</h3>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>Yawning, though rude, is, according
+to the doctors, an extremely healthy
+exercise.</i>)</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">I have a friend who wrote a book</p>
+<p class="i2">And begged me to peruse it,</p>
+<p class="i0">And bluntly state the view I took&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Encourage or abuse it.</p>
+<p class="i0">I want, he said, the truth alone,</p>
+<p class="i0">But said it in a hopeful tone.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Perceiving there was no escape,</p>
+<p class="i2">With Chapter I. I led off;</p>
+<p class="i0">Page 2 provoked my earliest gape,</p>
+<p class="i2">At 3 I yawned my head off,</p>
+<p class="i0">At 4 I cast the thing away</p>
+<p class="i0">Unto some dim and distant day.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">For weeks I racked my harassed brain</p>
+<p class="i2">For something kind and ruthful,</p>
+<p class="i0">To spare his feelings and remain</p>
+<p class="i2">Comparatively truthful</p>
+<p class="i0">(I'm very often troubled by</p>
+<p class="i0">My inability to lie).</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"Dear Charles," I wrote him in the end,</p>
+<p class="i2">"I fear no contradiction</p>
+<p class="i0">When I declare that you have penned</p>
+<p class="i2">A healthy work of fiction.</p>
+<p class="i0">I am, I candidly admit,</p>
+<p class="i0">A sounder man through reading it."</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+
+<p>"Captain Turner only got a single
+when J. W. Hearne bowled him, and
+lunch was taken.</p>
+<div class="center">
+<span class="sc">Essex.</span>
+<table summary="scoreboard">
+<tbody>
+<tr><td>F. L. Fane c. Hendren b. Kidd</td><td>57</td></tr>
+<tr><td>Russell run out</td><td>51</td></tr>
+<tr><td>Major Turner b. J. W. Hearne</td><td>&nbsp;1"</td></tr>
+</tbody>
+</table>
+</div>
+
+<p>Probably the Major got his step
+during lunch; and it was no doubt
+richly deserved, though not on
+account of the score he had made
+in the morning as a Captain.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"John Charles Edmund Carson were
+the names which Lord Gillford, the
+infant heir of Lord and Lady Clanwilliam,
+received yesterday afternoon."</p>
+
+<p><i>Daily Mail.</i></p></div>
+
+<p>If only this were a misprint for John
+Charles Redmond Carson.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"The anniversary of the Cattle of the
+Boyne was celebrated with unusual enthusiasm
+throughout Canada."</p>
+
+<p><i>"Times" Toronto Correspondent.</i></p></div>
+
+<p>These were the original Irish bulls, we
+suppose.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"Plant strawberry runners with grouse on
+Aug. 12th."&mdash;<i>R. H. S. Gardener's Diary.</i></p>
+
+<p>"Plant daffodils between grouse and partridges."&mdash;<i>R. H. S.
+Gardener's Diary.</i></p></div>
+
+<p>The daffodils should make good cover,
+but the runners will stand no chance
+against the Cockney sportsman.</p>
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[Pg 95]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%;">
+<a href="images/095.png">
+<img width="100%" alt="Is the batsman out or not?" src="images/095.png" /></a>
+<h4>THE OLD, OLD PROBLEM.</h4>
+<span class="sc">Is the batsman out or not?</span>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>EXERCISE 1.</h3>
+
+<p>I must confess that at one time I
+had little regard for collectors of
+cigarette cards; it seemed a feeble
+pursuit, though perhaps I should add
+I am of a somewhat intellectual nature.
+
+Some little time ago, however, I
+happened to glance at one of these
+cards and was surprised to see a picture
+of a gentleman attired in white flannels
+and a vest of white, decorated with red
+embroidery. He was grasping a towel
+in both hands and appeared to have
+two or three sets of arms. The label
+said, "Scarf or Towel Exercises 4." A
+perusal of the instructions on the back
+of the card made everything clear.</p>
+
+<p>Ten minutes later I entered the shop
+of an athletic outfitter. Unfortunately
+he had no white vests with red edges:
+I had to purchase one with blue. A
+scarf or towel I could find at home.</p>
+
+<p>Then I entered a tobacconist's.</p>
+
+<p>Four days later I had collected Scarf
+or Towel Exercises 2 and 3.</p>
+
+<p>"We can," I said, "now make a
+start." As a matter of fact it was not
+altogether a foolish proceeding. Deep
+thinkers are apt to overlook the need
+for physical culture. This error I
+decided to remedy.</p>
+
+<p>Every morning I (1) stood in position
+illustrated, (2) raised arms above
+head in manner indicated by the instructions,
+(3) straightened right arm
+and lowered right hand so that towel
+(<i>still taut</i>) sloped to right, (4) returned
+to Position 1. I then changed towel
+for scarf (my own idea) and continued
+with Exercises 3 and 4.</p>
+
+<p>I was very happy; my only worry
+was the absence of Scarf or Towel
+Exercises 1.</p>
+
+<p>Every morning I called at the
+tobacconist's and purchased packets of
+cigarettes, eagerly searching them for
+the missing card. Every afternoon I
+called again.</p>
+
+<p>For a week I bore my disappointment
+bravely; then I became cynical.</p>
+
+<p>"Perhaps," I said, "there is no
+Exercise 1. It may be a joke on the
+part of the makers."</p>
+
+<p>My consumption of cigarettes increased.
+Packet followed packet with
+extraordinary rapidity, and still no
+Exercise 1.</p>
+
+<p>I began to get worried. "Is it safe."
+I asked myself, "to do 2, 3 and 4 without
+1? The omission may have a
+serious effect on 2, 3 and 4."</p>
+
+<p>Then I returned to the attack with
+renewed vigour. In a week I got
+through twenty tens&mdash;with no result.</p>
+
+<p>Disappointed and weary I was walking
+to the office one morning when
+suddenly I had an attack of giddiness.
+By the end of the day I was beginning
+to wonder if I was very ill. I felt it.
+Usually the clearest of thinkers, I was
+dizzy and dazed.</p>
+
+<p>The evening saw the arrival of my
+doctor, and a thorough examination
+followed, at the end of which he shook
+his head gravely.</p>
+
+<p>"'M," he murmured. "Ah."</p>
+
+<p>"Tell me," I said with extraordinary
+calmness&mdash;"tell me the worst. Brain
+fever, I suppose?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, dear no," he replied. "What
+I'm worrying about is the heart. It's
+in a bad state-a really bad state.
+Heaven knows how many cigarettes
+you've been consuming lately. You'll
+have to stop it altogether."</p>
+
+<p>I looked at him blankly; then, with
+a bitter laugh, I (1) stood in position
+illustrated, (2) raised arms above head
+in manner indicated by the instructions,
+(3) straightened right arm and
+lowered right hand so that handkerchief
+(<i>still taut</i>) sloped to right, and
+(4) returned to sofa.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>The Latest Style in Strikes.</h4>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"Engineers and firemen on the western
+railways of the United States have threatened
+to strike unless their demands for increased
+wages and other reforms are not granted."</p>
+
+<p><i>The Times.</i></p></div>
+
+<p>They seem very hard to please.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%;">
+<a href="images/096.png">
+<img width="100%" alt="Irving as Sir Hubert Lisle" src="images/096.png" /></a>
+
+<h4>Mr. H. B. <span class="sc">Irving</span> (<i>Sir Hubert Lisle</i>).</h4>
+<p style="margin-left:.1in;text-indent:-.1in">"Pomfret will fall in another two seconds if
+I don't ride over and raise the siege. Still,
+my first duty is to Mr. <span class="sc">Stephen Phillips</span>,
+and he wants me for a few dialogues and a
+brace of soliloquies before I start."</p>
+</div>
+
+<h3>AT THE PLAY.</h3>
+
+<p class="center">"<span class="sc">The Sin of David.</span>"</p>
+
+<p>This is not, like the plays in which
+<span class="sc">Joseph</span> has recently figured, an adaptation
+from the Hebrew. Mr. <span class="sc">Stephen
+Phillips</span> has given a seventeenth-century
+(<span class="sc">A.D.</span>) setting to the <span class="sc">Bathsheba</span>
+motive, transplanting it from the polygamous
+East into the England of one-man-one-wife.
+His object, no doubt,
+was to emphasize one aspect of his
+borrowed theme, which is further enforced
+by his choice of <i>milieu</i>&mdash;the
+camp of the Puritans.</p>
+
+<p>Lest this fairly obvious note of
+irony should escape us, Mr. <span class="sc">Phillips</span>
+accentuates it at the start by making
+his <span class="sc">David</span> (<i>Sir Hubert Lisle</i>, Commander
+of the Parliamentary Forces in
+the fenland) condemn a young officer
+to be shot for a "carnal" offence. The
+delinquent's answer&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"Thou who so lightly dealest death to me</p>
+<p class="i0">Be thou then very sure of thine own soul;"</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>and <i>Lisle's</i> prayer&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"And judge me, Thou that sittest in Thy Heaven,</p>
+<p class="i0">As I have shown no mercy, show me none!...</p>
+<p class="i0">If ever a woman's beauty shall ensnare</p>
+<p class="i0">My soul into such sin as he hath sinned"&mdash;</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>these passages, even if the title of the
+play had not prepared us, afford fair
+warning of the way in which things
+have got to go. In fact it is all very
+simple and straightforward, and (on
+the constructive side) Hellenic. Perhaps
+indeed the treatment is a little
+too direct, and the tragedy moves too
+quickly to its consummation (thirty or
+forty minutes suffice for the reading of
+it). It might serve its publisher (of the
+Bodley Head) as one of a series to be
+entitled: "Half-hours with the Best
+Sinners."</p>
+
+<p>As a poem <i>The Sin of David</i> cannot
+compare for beauty with <i>Paolo and
+Francesca</i>, though it contains isolated
+lines which recall Mr. <span class="sc">Phillips's</span>
+earliest drama, such as the plea of
+<i>Joyce</i>, the condemned officer&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="">"Her face was close to me, and dimmed the world."</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>or <i>Lisle's</i>&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="">"Thou hast unlocked the loveliness of earth."</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>But then, of course, the exotic manner
+would here have been an impropriety.
+This is not Rimini; it is the English
+Fenland; and all the characters, with
+the exception of <i>Miriam Mardyke</i> (the
+<span class="sc">Bathsheba</span> of the piece), who was bred
+in France and had its sun in her blood,
+were of the Puritan pattern that does
+not accommodate itself very easily to
+the language of passion.</p>
+
+<p>But all this we knew ten years ago,
+when <i>The Sin of David</i> was first published;
+and the only new interest was
+the question of its adaptability to the
+theatre. Poetic drama seldom gains
+much by presentation on the stage,
+unless it is full of action; and there is
+little action in this play except of the
+inward kind. In almost the only case
+where quick movement is here demanded
+one becomes conscious of the intrusion
+of words. When he knows that the
+relief of Pomfret depends upon his instant
+action, <i>Lisle</i> still finds time for
+conversations with his servant, with
+<i>Miriam</i> and with the doctor, and for
+a couple of well-sustained soliloquies.</p>
+
+<p>Certain lines, again, whose literary
+flavour, when read, makes us overlook
+their inherent improbability in the
+mouth of the character that utters
+them, take on, when spoken, an air of
+artifice. Such are the lines in which
+<i>Miriam</i> describes her old sister-in-law,
+to her face, as</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i04">"living without sin</p>
+<p class="">And reputably rusting to the grave."</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>And there is always the danger that
+actors will be content with a rather
+slurred and perfunctory recitation of
+lines that have no bearing on the
+action but are just inserted for joy as
+a rhetorical embroidery.</p>
+
+<p>It may be a trivial criticism, but I
+think the play suffered a little from the
+appearance of the love-child whose
+death was to be the punishment for
+<i>Lisle's</i> sin in sending <i>Mardyke</i> to his
+death in a forlorn hope. The instructions
+in my book are contradictory.
+The time of Act III. is described as
+"five years later," and we are then told
+that "four years are supposed to have
+elapsed since Act II." Anyhow, the boy
+should be only three or four years old.
+Actually he is a girl (the stage must
+have it so) of some ten summers. You
+may say that all those years during
+which the lovers' passion has been
+purified by worship of the child's innocence,
+and "God has not said a word,"
+add a dramatic force to the blow when
+at last it falls. But for myself&mdash;a mere
+matter of taste&mdash;I feel that the vengeance
+of Heaven has been nursed too
+long.</p>
+
+<p>As for the interpretation, I must
+honestly compliment Mr. <span class="sc">Irving</span> and
+Miss <span class="sc">Miriam Lewes</span> on their performance.
+It is true that I should never
+have mistaken Mr. <span class="sc">Irving</span> for a fighting
+Roundhead, and he might well have
+sacrificed something of his personality
+for the sake of illusion. It is true, too,
+that he was more concerned about
+dramatic than poetic effects; yet, within
+the limitations of a very marked individuality,
+he did justice to the author by a
+performance that was most sincere and
+persuasive. Miss <span class="sc">Lewis</span> played her
+more difficult part with great charm
+and delicacy. Her manner, even under
+stress of passionate feeling, still kept the
+right restraint that <i>Miriam</i> had learnt
+from her environment; but always we
+were made to feel that under the prim
+Puritan gown was a body that had
+been "born in the sun's lap," and held
+the warmth of the vinelands in its veins.
+Perhaps it was from France, too, that
+<i>Miriam</i> had caught her strange habit
+of pronouncing "my" (a perfectly good
+word) as "me."</p>
+
+<p>There is little so worth seeing on the
+stage to-day as <i>The Sin of David</i>, and
+I very sincerely hope that both the
+play and its interpreters may win the
+wide appreciation they have earned.</p>
+<p class="author">O. S.</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<p>It is unfortunate that Mr. <span class="sc">Arthur
+Eckerley's</span> ingenious little farce, <i>A
+Collection will be made</i>, was only
+introduced into the bill at the Garrick
+two days before the withdrawal of the
+<i>Duke of Killicrankie</i>, and that, like
+the melancholy <i>Jaques</i>, it has had to
+share the ducal exile. I look forward
+to its early reappearance under happier
+auspices, and with Mr. <span class="sc">Guy Newall</span>
+again in the leading part.</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"The father of a young lady, aged 15&mdash;a
+typical '<span class="sc">Flapper</span>'&mdash;with all the self-assurance
+of a woman of 30, would be grateful for the
+recommendation of a seminary (not a convent)
+where she might be placed."&mdash;<i>Times.</i></p>
+
+<p>"Coaching required for Cambridge Little
+Girl."&mdash;<i>Times.</i></p></div>
+
+<p>Is it the same little girl?</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[Pg 97]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%;">
+<a href="images/097.png">
+<img width="100%" alt="purchase of donkeys" src="images/097.png" /></a><br /><br />
+<span class="sc">A proposal for the purchase of donkeys for practising ammunition-supply in
+the field has been approved by the War Office.</span>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>RETROSPECTIVE.</h3>
+
+<p class="center">[<i>The armbone of a prehistoric lion has
+been discovered in Fleet Street during
+the excavations for the new offices of
+"The Daily Chronicle." Remains of
+other prehistoric animals were found
+some years ago near the same spot.</i>]</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class=""><span class="sc">Reader</span>, when last you went down Fleet</p>
+<p class="">(Wait half-a-second. Thank you.) Street,</p>
+<p class="">And gazed upon it from your seat,</p>
+<p class="i4">Perched on a motor-bus,</p>
+<p class="">Did you, I wonder, guess that there,</p>
+<p class="">In ages long ago, the bear</p>
+<p class="">Contended for the choicest lair</p>
+<p class="i4">With the rhinoceros?</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="">Where now the expectant taxis prowl,</p>
+<p class="">And growlers, still surviving, growl,</p>
+<p class="">And agonised pedestrians howl,</p>
+<p class="i4">Seeing the traffic skid,</p>
+<p class="">There lions roamed the swampy glade,</p>
+<p class="">There the superb okapi brayed,</p>
+<p class="">And many a mighty mammoth made</p>
+<p class="i4">Whatever noise it did.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="">It pleases me to pause and think</p>
+<p class="">That where to-day flows printing-ink</p>
+<p class="">All sorts of beasts came down to drink</p>
+<p class="i4">Clear waters from a spring.</p>
+<p class="">I like to reconstruct the scene;</p>
+<p class="">I feel existence must have been,</p>
+<p class="">Before the rotary machine,</p>
+<p class="i4">A more delightful thing.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="">I like to think how, westward bound,</p>
+<p class="">Tigers pursued their prey and found</p>
+<p class="">The Strand a happy hunting ground,</p>
+<p class="i4">Seeking tit-bits by night.</p>
+<p class="">Reader, will you come there with me</p>
+<p class="">When London lies asleep? Maybe</p>
+<p class="">Their phantoms still prowl stealthily</p>
+<p class="i4">Down by the Aldwych site.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>SOCIETY NOTES.</h3>
+
+<p>Lady Diana Dingo was in the Park
+yesterday, walking with Lancelot, her
+new ant-eater, and the latter, who
+has happily recovered from his severe
+attack of measles, is now quite tame,
+and was wearing bronzed toe-nails and
+a large blue ribbon under the left ear.</p>
+
+<p>The Countess of Torquay and her
+sister, Mrs. Pygmalion Popinjay, were
+at the Earl's Court Exhibition on
+Wednesday. The Countess's crested
+toucan, Willy, was much admired.</p>
+
+<p>The Ladies' Park Pet race at Ranelham
+next Friday is expected to prove
+an exciting event, especially as Stella.
+Lady Killaloo, has entered her large
+crocodile, Horace&mdash;called after her
+late husband&mdash;who is known to prove
+rather fractious at times.</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Halliday Hare is in deep
+mourning for her bandicoot, Maud
+Eliza, who was unfortunately set upon
+and eaten last week by the Hon. Mrs.
+Joram's young jaguar during an afternoon
+call at the house of a mutual
+friend of their mistresses. Mrs. Hare
+is leaving town at once, and her house
+will be closed until late in the autumn.</p>
+
+<p>The iguana worn by Miss Bay Buskin
+in the second Act of <i>The Belle of Bow
+Street</i> is a delightful little creature, and
+accompanies his mistress everywhere.
+While on the subject of the theatre, we
+are glad to learn that the cages now
+being erected behind the stage at Galy's
+Theatre will soon be ready, when there
+should be no further cause for complaint
+about the rapacity of some of
+the larger carnivora owned by certain
+ladies of the chorus.</p>
+
+<p>The recent fashion of having one's
+pet emu coloured to match one's frock
+is dying out, and armadilloes with
+gilded trotters are becoming the vogue.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</a></span>
+
+
+<h3>COMPULSION.</h3>
+
+<p>"Very well," said the lady of the house, "don't let's do it.
+Nobody can force us to go to the seaside if we don't want to."</p>
+
+<p>"It's too late," I said, "to begin to agree with me now."</p>
+
+<p>"It's never too late to realise how reasonable you are."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, it is. The agreement is signed; half the rent has
+been paid; Sandstone House has got us by the legs, and,
+whether we like it or not, we've got to go there next week."</p>
+
+<p>"We might try the effect of a death-bed repentance."</p>
+
+<p>"No," I said, "we're dead already. We died when
+the blessed agreement was signed."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, then, let's write and say our aunt from British
+Columbia is about to arrive here unexpectedly on a visit to
+us, and that sand and seaweed and prawns and star-fish are
+simply death to her. We can wind up with a strong appeal
+to the landlord's better nature. No true landlord can
+wish to be responsible for the death of anybody's British
+Columbian aunt."</p>
+
+<p>"You're quite wrong," I said. "Landlords just revel in
+that kind of thing. Besides, he will not believe in our
+aunt. He will say that she is too thin."</p>
+
+<p>"But the aunt I'm thinking of is stout and wheezy.
+She is a widow; her name is Aunt Wilhelmina; except
+ourselves there's nobody in the world left for her to cling
+to. No marine landlord can dare to separate us from Aunt
+Wilhelmina."</p>
+
+<p>"It's no good," I said. "I'll admit that your Aunt
+Wilhelmina&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"She's only mine by marriage, you know; but I love
+her like a daughter."</p>
+
+<p>"I admit," I continued, "that Aunt-by-marriage Wilhelmina
+may some day be useful to us. We will put her by
+for another occasion. But she can't help us now."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, go ahead yourself and suggest something, then."</p>
+
+<p>"I could suggest a thousand things. Suppose we just
+pay the rest of the rent and don't go."</p>
+
+<p>"The man," she said with conviction, "is mad."</p>
+
+<p>"I thought you'd say that, and I know you'd say the
+same about any other suggestion of mine, so I shan't make
+any more."</p>
+
+<p>"You mustn't be sulky," she said.</p>
+
+<p>"I never am. I'm reasonable, but, as usual, you'll
+realise it too late. Besides," I added, "it's you who've
+brought us into this fix."</p>
+
+<p>"I?" she said with an air of wonder, "How can I
+have done that?"</p>
+
+<p>"I'll tell you," I said firmly, for I saw that my chance
+had come. "For weeks and weeks past you have been
+engaged in shutting up avenues and closing loop-holes.
+Wherever there was the tiniest way of escape from the
+seaside, there you were with your walls and your fences,
+until at last you'd got me safely penned in."</p>
+
+<p>"You didn't struggle much, did you?"</p>
+
+<p>"No, I was like the man in <i>The Pit and the Pendulum</i>,
+and you were&mdash;whoever it was that made the walls close
+in on him."</p>
+
+<p>"I refuse," she said, "to be called a Spanish Inquisition."</p>
+
+<p>"You may refuse as much as you like, but that's the
+sort of thing you've been. How you worked on my
+domestic affections and my household pride! When Helen
+forgot to go to her music-lesson you said the poor child
+was evidently run down and wanted a breath of sea-air.
+When Rosie lost her German exercise-book, and when
+Peggy fell off her bicycle, you worked both these accidents
+round into an imperative demand for salt water. When
+John was bitten by a gnat you said the spot was bilious
+and things would never be right with him until he got into
+a more bracing climate; and when Bates tripped up in the
+pantry and broke a week's income in plates and dishes you
+said he needed tone and would get it at the sea. Seaside,
+seaside, seaside! I couldn't got away from it."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, but you haven't been there yet, you know. You're
+shouting before you're hurt."</p>
+
+<p>"No," I said, "I am not&mdash;I mean I am hurt, but I'm
+not shouting. I'm just whispering a few salutary truths."</p>
+
+<p>"And there's another thing," she said; "it must be terrible
+for you to know what a designing person your wife is."</p>
+
+<p>"Madam," I said, "my wife is as heaven made her. I
+will not permit her to be abused. She has good impulses.
+She means well. Her plain sewing is quite excellent."</p>
+
+<p>"Spare me," who said, "oh spare me. I will never go to
+the sea again."</p>
+
+<p>"But you <i>shall</i> go to the sea," I said. "Everything is
+settled. The agreement is signed; the tickets are all but
+taken. John and Peggy are panting for pails and spades.
+Do you think I want to stand in the way of their innocent
+pleasures? We will all try for shrimps while you sit on a
+heap of sand and tell us not to get too wet, or that it's
+time for tea, and have I forgotten the thermos-flask again."</p>
+
+<p>"Horatio," she said, "I can see you paddling in my
+mind's eye."</p>
+
+<p>"But tell me," I said, "when do we start."</p>
+
+<p>"We start on Tuesday. The whole lot of us together,
+you know, servants and all. Won't that be fun?"</p>
+
+<p>"Ye&mdash;es," I said, "it will&mdash;I mean it would if I could
+go with you, but unfortunately&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"<i>What!</i>" she said, "you mean to desert us?"</p>
+
+<p>"No, no, I can never desert you, but I've got two
+solemn engagements on Tuesday&mdash;meetings in the City."</p>
+
+<p>"Then I'm to take the whole party, am I?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, dear," I said. "And I'll join you next day."</p>
+
+<p>"You've won," she said.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>KITTY ADARE.</h3><br />
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Sweet as a wild-rose was Kitty Adare,</p>
+<p class="i0">Blithe as a laverock and shy as a hare;</p>
+<p class="i2">Mid all the grand ladies of all the grand cities</p>
+<p class="i2">You'd not find the face half so pretty as Kitty's;</p>
+<p class="i2">"'Tis the fine morning this, Kit," says I; she says, "It is,"</p>
+<p class="i0">The day she went walking to get to the Fair.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">She was bred to give trouble, was Kitty Adare,</p>
+<p class="i0">For she had my heart caught like a bird in a snare;</p>
+<p class="i2">O, her laugh was the ripple of quick-running water,</p>
+<p class="i2">And&mdash;the seventh-born child of a seventh-born daughter&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">She wore the green shoes that the fairies had brought her</p>
+<p class="i0">To help her go dancing that day at the Fair.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">She'd the foot of a princess, had Kitty Adare,</p>
+<p class="i0">And the road fell behind her like peel off a pear;</p>
+<p class="i2">She was into the town with the lads and the lassies,</p>
+<p class="i2">And the shouting of showmen and braying of asses,</p>
+<p class="i2">And on to the green where the host of the grass is,</p>
+<p class="i0">With the sun shining bright on the fun of the Fair!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">She was light as a feather, was Kitty Adare,</p>
+<p class="i0">And she danced like a flame in a current of air;</p>
+<p class="i2">O, look at her now&mdash;she retreating, advancing,</p>
+<p class="i2">And stepping and stopping, and gliding and glancing!</p>
+<p class="i2">There wasn't a one was her marrow at dancing</p>
+<p class="i0">Of all the young maidens who danced at the Fair.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">O Kitty, O Kitty, O Kitty Adare,</p>
+<p class="i0">Till the music was beaten you danced to it there;</p>
+<p class="i2">And the fiddler, poor fellow, the way that he was in,</p>
+<p class="i2">Him sweating for six and his bow wanting rosin,</p>
+<p class="i2">He was put past the fiddling a month&mdash;all because in</p>
+<p class="i0">A pair of green shoes Kitty danced at the Fair!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%;">
+<a href="images/099.png">
+<img  width="100%" alt="Cheerful Householder" src="images/099.png" /></a><br /><br />
+<p style="margin-left:.1in;text-indent:-.1in"><i>Cheerful Householder (to burglar).</i> "<span class="sc">By the way, when
+you go downstairs you might let the cat in; she's been spoiling
+my sleep.</span>"</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+
+<h3>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h3>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</p>
+
+<p>If memory serves me, the publishers of <i>World's End</i>
+(<span class="sc">Hurst and Blackett</span>) described its theme as one of
+unusual delicacy, or words to that effect. I should like to
+reassure them. The particular kind of marriage of convenience
+which it concerns (marriage for the convenience of
+the wronged heroine, by which the virtuous hero gives his
+name to the child of the villain) may be, indeed is, a delicate
+matter, but&mdash;in fiction at least&mdash;by no manner of means
+unusual. Nor can I see that its present treatment by
+<span class="sc">Am&egrave;lie Rives</span> (Princess <span class="sc">Troubetzkoy</span>) lends it any degree
+of novelty. No, let me be just; perhaps <i>Richard Bryce</i>, the
+wicked betrayer, does strike a somewhat new note, at least
+in his beginnings. <i>Richard</i> was the product of art superimposed
+upon dollars. He was so cultured that the
+humanity in him had dwindled to a negligible quantity;
+and thus, when poor <i>Phoebe</i> wanted him to "do the right
+thing by her," he sent her instead some charmingly modern
+French verse&mdash;which she could not understand&mdash;and finally
+took ship for Europe in mingled alarm and boredom. You
+will have gathered that the scene is laid in America.
+Perhaps this explains the hero. <i>Owen Randolph</i> was one
+of the strong and silent. He was so silent that, though he
+knew perfectly well all that had happened, he married
+<i>Phoebe</i>, and allowed that unhappy lady to suffer chapters
+of agonized apprehension as to his attitude, when half-a-dozen
+words would have set her at ease on the subject.
+He was, moreover, so strong that, when eventually the
+theme of their relations with <i>Phoebe</i> did crop up between
+himself and <i>Richard</i>, the latter spent some months in
+hospital as a consequence. However, he recovered, and
+things were thus able to reach the kind of ending which
+was expected of them. There are parts of <i>World's End</i>
+that are worthy of a better whole, but that is the best I can
+say for it.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>I believe that <i>Paul Moorhouse</i> (<span class="sc">Long</span>) was never really
+predestined to end unhappily and that his suicide was a
+conclusion as little premeditated by the author as it was
+apparently by the hero. If such ends must be, they should
+be a climax demanded by relentless logic: some sort of
+culminating event should occur which, added to what has
+gone before, leaves no alternative. <i>Paul</i>, however, had
+survived for years under the stress of all the circumstances
+which finally constrained him to make an end of himself;
+and, had he stayed the course&mdash;only another hour or so&mdash;he
+would have found that all had turned out for the best and
+that adequate arrangements had been made for his permanent
+happiness. No doubt these things happen in real life
+and I cannot accuse Mr. <span class="sc">George Wouil</span> (a most
+discerning
+author) of any inhuman treatment of his puppet; yet I
+wish that he had been more kindly disposed and had spared
+me a bitter disappointment. Having known <i>Paul</i>, man
+and boy, for upwards of ten years, I had become sincerely
+attached to him; as assistant time-keeper, foreman and
+works-manager he showed a spirit true to the real Black
+Country type. He had his moments of weakness when he
+went astray after the manner of his kind; but he always
+became master of himself again and, when he had to, paid
+like a man the price of his misdeeds, never pausing to discover<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[Pg 100]</a></span>
+the overcharge. As for <i>Joan Ware</i>, his intended and
+his due, she was a dear; poor dear!</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>I do not think that you will believe <i>The Story of Fifine</i>
+(<span class="sc">Constable</span>), although Mr. <span class="sc">Bernard Capes</span> takes some
+pains to give it an air of actuality; but if you are like me
+you will not be greatly concerned about that. Purporting
+to be the ill-used daughter of a mad French marquis,
+<i>Fifine</i>, in that <i>na&iuml;ve</i> and charming way which has always
+been so dear to the hearts of novelists, came to live at the
+bachelor abode in Paris of the sculptor <i>Felix Dane</i> (his half-sister,
+who was keeping house for the marquis, provided
+the introduction), and, calling each other "cousin" and
+"gossip," these two shared rooms together in perfect simplicity
+of soul and held several conversations which reflect.
+I suppose, Mr. <span class="sc">Bernard Capes'</span> views on the plastic arts
+and life in general. And why, in passing, he should continue
+to heap ridicule on staid Victorian respectability I
+cannot for the life of me imagine. The plucky and unorthodox
+thing nowadays
+surely is to make game
+of Bohemianism. But,
+anyhow, the happy moment
+for me arrived when
+<i>Felix Dane</i> suggested (on
+the grounds that the
+marquis would soon discover
+his daughter's hiding-place)
+a holiday tour
+through Provence. Mr.
+<span class="sc">Bernard Capes</span> in Provence
+is Mr. <span class="sc">Bernard
+Capes</span> at his best. How
+the lovers (for that&mdash;perhaps
+you roguishly
+guessed it?&mdash;they gradually
+became) paid visits
+to N&icirc;mes, to Aigues-Mortes,
+to Arles and to
+Paradou les Baux, and
+met <i>M. Carabas Cabarus</i>,
+the native minstrel, you
+must read for yourself,
+for I cannot give a faint
+idea of the eloquence with
+which their fairyland is portrayed. And if the plot ends as
+artificially as it began, and with an unnecessary tragedy
+thrown in, I suppose for the sake of that idyll in the very
+nesting-place of idylls I must shrug my shoulders and forgive.
+After all, it does not matter much who <i>Fifine</i> really
+was, nor what happened to her. Suffice it that Mr. <span class="sc">Bernard
+Capes</span> has conducted her to Arles.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><i>The Caddis-Worm</i> (<span class="sc">Hurst and Blackett</span>) is an appropriate
+enough title for Mrs. <span class="sc">Dawson Scott's</span> novel, but I
+confess to having grown a little restive at its appearance
+on the top of each of 352 pages. "Episodes in the Life of
+Richard and Catharine Blake" is the alternative title, and
+to the average human reader possibly a more significant
+one. <i>The Caddis-Worm</i> is quite in the modern manner,
+having no plot&mdash;or what has been contemptuously called
+"anecdote." I have, however, a more genuine grievance
+against Mrs. <span class="sc">Dawson Scott</span>, and it is that she seems
+inclined to be a propagandist without the requisite robustness.
+A little more vigour in her protests against the
+iniquity of British laws, and her theme might have allured
+me. As it is, the troubles of <i>Catharine</i> with her peremptory
+<i>Richard</i> only made me want, but not very keenly, to
+take and give her a good shaking. Whereas, with a little
+more encouragement, I believe I should have been quite
+anxious to kick her husband from the top to the bottom of
+several flights of stairs. Drastic methods were taken by
+the author to bring <i>Richard</i> to his senses; in fact, at one
+time he made a sort of corner in disasters. But unless a
+sanatorium exists where patients are treated kindly and
+firmly for swollen-head I do not think that <i>Richard's</i> cure
+is likely to be permanent. That, however, does not affect
+my view that Mrs. <span class="sc">Dawson Scott</span> has given us a book
+which is full of clever writing and fairly shrewd observation.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"It was a wild wet night, though the month of May was
+well begun." Without caring very much about the month
+of May, I felt on reading these introductory words that the
+story called <i>My Lady Rosia</i> had excellently well begun. I
+am sorry to add, though, that it does not carry on quite so
+bravely as you might expect from such a start. My own
+suspicion is that <i>Lady Rosia</i> is one of many novels that
+owe their existence to a summer holiday. I haven't the
+slightest knowledge of
+the facts, and still less
+wish to incur a libel
+action, but, by my way
+of imagining it, Miss
+<span class="sc">Freda Mary Groves</span>
+found herself one day in
+the Winchelsea country,
+fell very naturally in love
+with its jolly old houses,
+and determined there and
+then to write a story
+about them. So here it
+is, with a mildly romantic
+hero, <i>Bernard</i>, a heroine
+in the title <i>r&ocirc;le</i> who
+is as pretty and persecuted
+as heroines should
+be, a villain (<i>Lord Segrave</i>
+by name&mdash;even, you see,
+in those Black-Princely
+days peers were a bad
+lot), some conflicts not
+quite so exciting as they
+might have been, and
+the rest of the mixture
+as before. You perhaps catch already my chief ground of
+complaint. Frankly I do not think that Miss <span class="sc">Groves'</span> pen
+is quite sufficiently dashing for this sort of thing. Historical
+and adventurous romance, if it is to earn my vote, must keep
+me out of breath the whole time. It should never be allowed
+to slacken pace; and (to be entirely candid) <i>My Lady Rosia</i>
+sometimes ambles rather heavily. I forgot to add that it is
+published by <span class="sc">Washbourne</span>, printed on detestable paper,
+and contains some pleasant illustrations of the places mentioned
+in the story. In few, the best I can say of it is that it
+would make a charming gift for the young Person (if she still
+survives) on the occasion, say, of a family holiday to Hastings.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 90%;">
+<a href="images/100.png">
+<img  width="100%" alt="The Optimist" src="images/100.png"/></a><br /><br />
+<p style="margin-left:.1in;text-indent:-.1in"><i>The Optimist (who has just been struck by a passing
+motor-car).</i> "<span class="sc">Glory
+be! if this isn't a piece o' luck! Sure, 'tis the docthor himself
+that's in ut.</span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>The John Bull Breed.</h4>
+
+<p><i>The South African Farmers' Guide</i> pays a pretty compliment
+to a well-known family in describing a typical
+South Devon bull as the "property of Major <span class="sc">Apthorp</span>,
+a magnificent example of this breed."</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Wanted.</span>&mdash;A Tame Tory who will undertake to write
+scathing criticisms on the policy of his own party. Meals
+supplied on premises. Sleep in. Address, Offices of <i>Westminster
+Gazette</i>.</p><br />
+<hr class="full" />
+<br /><br />
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+147, July 22, 1914, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, JULY 22, 191PUNCH, CHARIVARI, JULY 22, 1914 ***
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+</body>
+</html>
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@@ -0,0 +1,2294 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 147,
+July 22, 1914, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 147, July 22, 1914
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: April 5, 2008 [EBook #24992]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, JULY 22, 191PUNCH, CHARIVARI, JULY 22, 1914 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Neville Allen, Hagay Giller, Malcolm Farmer
+and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at
+https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+  PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+  VOL. 147.
+
+  July 22, 1914.
+
+
+
+
+
+  CHARIVARIA.
+
+
+Those who deny that Mr. LLOYD GEORGE is ruining land-owners will perhaps
+be impressed by the following advertisement in _The Bazaar, Exchange and
+Mart_:--
+
+     "To be sold, small holding, well stocked with fruit trees, good
+     double tenement house on good road and close to station, good outer
+     buildings. Price, Four Marks, Alton, Hunts."
+
+The fact that the price should be translated into German looks
+unpleasantly like an attempt to entrap an ignorant foreigner.
+
+       * * *
+
+Meanwhile it looks as if the Socialist ideal of driving our landed
+gentry into the workhouse is already being realised. The Abergavenny
+Board of Guardians, we read, has decided to accept an offer by Lord
+ABERGAVENNY to purchase the local workhouse for L3,000.
+
+       * * *
+
+Three of the new peers have now chosen their titles. Sir EDGAR VINCENT
+becomes Baron d'ABERNON; Major-General BROCKLEHURST, Baron RANKSBOROUGH,
+and Sir EDWARD LYELL, Baron LYELL. Rather lazy of Sir EDWARD.
+
+       * * *
+
+A lioness which escaped from a circus at Bourg-en-Brasse, France, the
+other day, was killed, and a gendarme in the hunting party was shot in
+the leg. As the lioness was not armed it is thought that the gendarme
+must have been shot by one of the party.
+
+       * * *
+
+It is frequently said that, if the Suffragettes were to drop their
+militant tactics, the suffrage would be granted to-morrow. A Suffragette
+now writes to stigmatise this as a hypocritical mis-statement. She
+points out that recently the experiment was tried of allowing an entire
+day to pass without an outrage, but not a single vote was granted.
+
+       * * *
+
+Dr. HANS FRIEDENTHAL, a well-known Professor of Berlin University,
+declares that, as a result of the higher education, women will in the
+near future be totally bald, and will wear patriarchal beards and long
+moustaches. They will then, no doubt, get the vote by threatening that,
+unless their wishes are granted, they will kiss every man they meet at
+sight.
+
+       * * *
+
+Portsmouth Town Council has carried, by eleven votes to nine, a Labour
+amendment refusing to place official guide-books to Pretoria in the
+public library unless the nine deportees are allowed to return to South
+Africa. General BOTHA could hardly have foreseen this result of his
+action, and it will be interesting to see what happens now.
+
+       * * *
+
+    "POISON AFTER A DUCK'S EGG."
+
+    _Evening News._
+
+Our cricketers would seem to be getting absurdly sensitive. This is
+scarcely the way to brighten the game.
+
+       * * *
+
+The Guildhall Art Gallery is to be rebuilt. Some of the pictures there
+might be at the same time re-painted with advantage.
+
+       * * *
+
+Apparently the Moody of the Moody-Manners Opera Company is gaining the
+upper hand. This Company opened its London season with _The Dance of
+Death_.
+
+       * * *
+
+The appearance in Bond Street last week of a lady leading a little pig
+instead of a dog as a pet is being widely discussed in canine circles,
+though it has not yet been decided what action, if any, shall be taken.
+In view of the fact that so many dogs are pigs it is possible that no
+objection will be raised to one pig being a dog.
+
+       * * *
+
+By the way, _The Daily Chronicle_ was not quite correct when, in
+describing the recent "Dog Feast," in which the Shepherds Bush Indians
+were alleged to have participated, it used the expression "pow-wow."
+Owing to the action of the Canine Defence League a sheep was roasted and
+not a pow-wow.
+
+       * * *
+
+A motor-bus ran into a barber's shop in Gray's Inn Road last week, and
+three customers had a close shave.
+
+       * * *
+
+Some burglars recently blew open with gelignite the safe of a Holborn
+jeweller containing L1,000 worth of gems, and, as the jewels are
+missing, the police incline to the view that the object of the men must
+have been robbery.
+
+       * * *
+
+Asked by _The Express_ for a suggestion for a motto for the L.C.C., Mr.
+H. DE VERE STACPOOLE sent the reply, "My word is sovereign." It is good
+to know that this delightful writer can command an even higher rate of
+pay than did Mr. RUDYARD KIPLING at the height of his popularity.
+
+       * * *
+
+_The Daily Herald_ informs us that the Russian monk, RASPUTIN, "started
+life as an illiterate peasant." But, we would ask, is there really
+anything remarkable in this? We believe that the number of persons who
+have been born literate is extremely small.
+
+       * * *
+
+Says an advertisement in _T.P.'s Weekly_:--"Reader receives
+guests--Leigh-on-Sea, facing sea, minute cliffs." It is honourable of
+the advertiser to mention the minuteness of the cliffs. This is, we
+fear, a characteristic of the Essex coast.
+
+       * * *
+
+Among "Businesses for Sale" in _The Daily Chronicle_, we come across
+what looks like an ugly example of military venality:--"GENERAL for
+Sale, taking L16 a week; going cheap."
+
+       * * *
+
+Finally, we have the pleasure to award first honorary prize in our
+Pathetic Advertisement Competition to the following--also from _The
+Daily Chronicle_:--
+
+     "Fish (Fried) and Chips for Sale, owing to wife's illness: only one
+     in neighbourhood."
+
+We trust that the advertiser's addiction to monogamy is not confined to
+the neighbourhood.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: WE UNDERSTAND THAT, IN VIEW OF THE POPULAR REVIVAL OF
+BOXING, DR. STRAUSS HAS BEEN COMMISSIONED TO WRITE A GRAND OPERA ROUND
+THE NOBLE ART. THE ABOVE REPRESENTS THE FINALE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OXFORD IN TRANSITION.
+
+INTERVIEW WITH A FAMOUS PORTER.
+
+(_BY HAROLD BEGTHWAYT._)
+
+
+Hearing from an undergraduate friend at Cardinal College of the
+impending retirement of Mr. Chumbleton ("Old Chum"), the famous porter
+of Salisbury Gate, I gladly seized the opportunity of running down to
+Oxford to gain some fresh sidelights on the inner life of the
+University. Cardinal College, unlike Balliol, Magdalen and New College,
+has never shown itself responsive to the new spirit. There are probably
+fewer Socialists in Peckover than in any other quad in Oxford. The old
+feudal traditions, though somewhat mitigated, still survive. You still
+hear the characteristic Mayfair accent and recognise a curious lack of
+that Moral Uplift without which, as Sir ROBERTSON NICOLL finely says, a
+man is no better than a mummy. And yet I own to having been strangely
+attracted by these well-groomed scions of a vanishing breed, with their
+finely chiselled features, their clipped colloquialisms and their
+cheerful arrogance. There is something engaging as well as pathetic in
+these unruffled countenances, blind to the realities of modern life and
+the need of that fraternal fellowship which alone can bring peace to the
+head that wears a crown or a coronet.
+
+Mr. Chumbleton, who was just going off duty when I arrived, cordially
+invited me into his inner sanctum and offered me a glass of gin and
+green Chartreuse, the favourite beverage, he assured me, of the late
+Duke of Midhurst, whose scout he had been in the "seventies." Of that
+strange and meteoric figure, who was subsequently devoured by a
+crocodile on the Blue Nile, Mr. Chumbleton spoke with genuine affection.
+"He was something like a Dook," said the old man, "and not one of your
+barley-water-drinking faddists. Yes, in those days a Dook was a Dook and
+not a cock-shy for demigods [? demagogues]. I can remember," he went on,
+"when there were three Dooks in residence at the same time, the Dook of
+Midhurst, the Dook of St. Ives and the Dook of Clumber. But the Dook of
+Midhurst was the pick of the bunch. Why, once he went into a grocer's
+shop in the High and asked for two pounds of treacle. 'How will you have
+it?' asked the grocer, who was the baldest-headed man I ever seen. 'In
+my hat,' said the Dook, whipping off his bowler and holding it out. As
+soon as it was full, before you could say Jack Robinson, he popped it on
+the grocer's head and ran out of the shop."
+
+The old man told this terrible story, which reminded me of the worst
+cruelties of the despots of the Italian Renaissance, with a gusto that
+was inexpressibly painful. When he had finished I asked whether the Duke
+was sent down. "Oh, no, Sir," was the prompt response. "You see the
+grocer, being a bald-headed man, had no trouble with the treacle, and,
+besides, the Dook he gave him a wig next day. But if anyone was to do
+that to-day, Dook or no Dook, there'd be questions asked about it in the
+House of Commons, or a Royal Commission would be appointed. Times is
+changed," he went on sadly, "and there ain't any more of the old stock
+left. Why, the Bullingdon Club got three First Classes this year, and as
+for breaking up furniture and bonfires in the quad it don't happen once
+in three years. 'Nuts' they call 'em now, but when I was a young scout
+they called 'em 'dogs,' and gay dogs they were, I can tell you. 'Bloods'
+they call 'em, too, but there ain't much blue blood in these modern
+Blutocrats."
+
+I asked Mr. Chumbleton if there were any signs of Cardinal College being
+affected by the new Moral Uplift, but he seemed unable to fathom the
+meaning of my query. His standpoint was clearly philistine and, I regret
+to say, distinctly pagan. He had never heard of the Land Campaign, or of
+Mr. HEMMERDE, Baron DE FOREST or even Mr. HAROLD BEGBIE. His attitude
+towards Mr. LLOYD GEORGE was unsympathetic. He deplored the popularity
+of motor-bicycles, but, with a strange and lamentable perversity,
+welcomed the advent of the motor-'bus while condemning the introduction
+of trams.
+
+I came away more than ever impressed by the tenacity of feudal
+traditions, and the need of redoubled efforts on the part of all Radical
+stalwarts to convert the older universities from hotbeds of expensive
+obscurantism into free nurseries of humanitarian democracy. It was sad
+to see such a figure as that of Mr. Chumbleton, genial and hospitable, I
+admit, but utterly heedless of the trend of the times, hopelessly
+ignorant of the Progressive program, and deriving a senile satisfaction
+from memories of a barbarous and brutal past.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Painting the Lily.
+
+     "White duck trousers in a snow-white grey material."--_Advt. in
+     "Daily Province" (Vancouver)._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From _The Daily Mirror's_ account of the SMITH-CARPENTIER fight:--
+
+     "One French girl was so excited that she bit a large hope in her
+     fan."
+
+Not a _white_ hope, we trust.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SINECURE.
+
+     [In _The Daily Mail's_ list of Situations Vacant, such as
+     Housemaids (Hmds), Between-maids (Bmds), Working Housekeepers
+     (Wkghkprs) and Cook Generals (Ckgns), appears the
+     following:--"Young Lady wanted for cinema acting. Fullest
+     particulars to Box No. --."]
+
+    Said she, "_The Daily Mail_ ensures
+      Immediate supply.
+    Whose situation's vacant? Yours.
+      Who's going to fill it? I.
+
+    "If you shall ask me, can I act?
+      I readily retort,
+    I'm just the Star you want; in fact
+      The strong and silent sort.
+
+    "The sooner you reveal the plot
+      The sooner I begin.
+    In me, I beg to state, you've got
+      The perfect Heroine."
+
+    Said they--"De Vere's a villain who
+      For reasons not disclosed
+    Desires to make an end of you ..."
+      ("The cad!" she interposed).
+
+    "... He ties you to a railway line
+      That so the Leeds express
+    May execute his fell design
+      With speed and thoroughness.
+
+    "But Herbert's heroism's such,
+      He swears this shall not be.
+    You see, he loves you very much ..."
+      ("I guessed he would," said she).
+
+    "... He hires a rapid motor car,
+      He also buys a map;
+    He knows how fast expresses are,
+      And notes the handicap.
+
+    "But, as he is a man of parts
+      And born to play the game,
+    Without delay the hero starts ..."
+      We'd better do the same.
+
+    They chose a quiet neighbourhood,
+      A lonely piece of track;
+    They trusted that the metals would
+      Not incommode her back.
+
+    "This is De Vere," they said, "whose hand
+      Will tie you firmly down.
+    Meanwhile your Herb, we understand,
+      Is on his way from town.
+
+    "We do not, though one can't be sure.
+      Anticipate the worst;
+    Expresses may be premature;
+      Still, Herbert _should_ be first.
+
+    "Such realism must excite
+      The audience (and you) ...
+    If you are ready we are quite;
+      Your train will soon be due."
+
+          *       *       *
+
+    She formed a resolution, viz.,
+      To put no trust in men,
+    But hire herself to mistresses,
+      A whole, if humble, ckgn.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: AT DURAZZO-SUPER-MARE.
+
+MPRET. "I DON'T FEEL AT ALL COMFORTABLE HERE. ISN'T IT ABOUT TIME YOU
+TOOK ME OUT OF THIS?"
+
+EUROPA (_sleepily_). "MPRAPS"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: "LOOK, ETHEL, LOOK--THERE GOES SIR BEERBOHM ALEXANDER!"
+
+"SO IT IS; BUT HOW UNLIKE!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ONCE UPON A TIME.
+
+TRANSMIGRATION.
+
+
+Once upon a time there was an ostrich who, though very ostrichy, was
+even more of an egoist. He thought only of himself. That is not a foible
+peculiar to ostriches, but this particular fowl--and he was very
+particular--was notable for it. "Where do I come in?" was a question
+written all over him--from his ridiculous and inadequate head, down his
+long neck, on his plump fluffy body, and so to his exceedingly flat and
+over-sized feet.
+
+It was in Afric's burning sand--to be precise, at the Cape--that, on the
+approach of danger, the ostrich secreted his self-centred head, and here
+from time to time his plumes were plucked from him for purposes of
+trade.
+
+Now it happened that in London there was a theatre given up to a season
+of foreign opera, and, this theatre having been built by one of those
+gifted geniuses so common among theatre architects, it followed that the
+balcony (into which, of course, neither the architect nor the manager
+for whom it was built had ever strayed) contained a number of seats from
+which no view of the stage was visible at all--unless one stood up, and
+then the people behind were deprived of their view. This, of course,
+means nothing to architects or managers. The thought that jolly
+anticipatory parties of simple folk bent upon a happy evening may be
+depressed and dashed by a position suffering from such disabilities
+could not concern architects and managers, for some imagination would be
+needed to understand it.
+
+The new temporary management, however (whatever the ordinary management
+might do), recognising the rights of the spectator, refrained from
+selling any seats from which no view whatever could be obtained and
+behaved very well about it--as perhaps one has to do when half-a-guinea
+is charged for each seat; but with the border-line seats which they did
+sell--those on the confines of the possible area--a view of the stage
+was only partial and so much a matter of touch-and-go that any undue
+craning of the neck or moving of the head sideways at once interrupted
+the line of vision of many worthy folk at the back; while anyone leaning
+too far forward from a seat in the front row could instantly, for many
+others, obliterate the whole stage.
+
+It happened that on a certain very hot night in July a fat lady in one
+of the front seats not only leaned forward but fanned herself
+intermittently with a large fan.
+
+Now and then one of the unfortunate half-guinea seat-holders behind her
+in the debatable territory remonstrated gently and politely, remarking
+on the privation her fan was causing to others, and each time the lady
+smiled and said she was very sorry and put the fan down; but in two
+minutes she was fluttering it again as hard as ever, and not a vestige
+of the Pentateuchal caperings or whatever was going forward could be
+discerned in her vicinity.
+
+She meant well, poor lady; but it was very hot, and how could she help
+it when her fan was made of that particular ostrich's feathers?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Methods of sowing, reaping, watering, and thrashing have been
+     passed down from father to son through countless generations."
+
+     _Chronicle of London Missionary Society._
+
+Of thrashing, anyhow.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "The feature of the Keswick valley is its spacious width of
+     skyscrape."--_L.& N.W.R. Guide to the English Lakes._
+
+In this respect New York is its only serious rival.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MY TROUSSEAU.
+
+
+Having been a bachelor from my earliest youth I suppose I ought to be
+accustomed to the condition; but the fact remains that I miss
+something--something which only a wedding supplies.
+
+Curiously enough this want is not a wife. I have been without one so
+long that I should not know what to do with her if I had one. I should
+probably overlook her, and she would become atrophied or die of neglect
+or thirst. Neither do I crave a home of my own; nor golden-haired
+children to climb up my knee. I can do without these accessories.
+
+But what I do hunger for and what I _will_ have is a trousseau. Why the
+acquisition of a trousseau should be a purely feminine prerogative I
+have never been able to understand. A bride without a trousseau is
+generally regarded as an incomplete thing--a poached-egg without toast;
+a salad without dressing. But the bridegroom without a trousseau is a
+recognised institution. True, he has new clothes, both seen and unseen,
+but this is not a trousseau; it is merely a "replenishment of his
+wardrobe." His least disreputable old things are "made to do"; and
+nobody thinks slightingly of him if he attends his wedding in a
+re-cuffed shirt or in boots that have been re-soled. A girl, however,
+would as soon think of entering Paradise with a second-hand halo as she
+would contemplate being married in anything that was not aggressively
+new.
+
+Thus it is that before my wish can be consummated I have two honoured
+conventions to defy: that only a girl may possess a trousseau, and that
+a marriage is a necessary condition to the acquiring of it. Fortunately
+I am strong-minded. A long course of Mrs. HUMPHRY WARD'S homilies has
+given me no little facility in achieving this attribute, and I am
+determined that I will change neither my sex nor my status.
+
+Now, I have prepared a list, just as--I suppose--every girl does. In the
+first place I am going to indulge in the hitherto undreamt-of luxury of
+a surfeit of dress-shirts. No one who has not experienced life on two
+dress-shirts--one in wear, the other in the wash--can quite understand
+what this will mean to me. Men like Sir JOSEPH BEECHAM, Mr.
+MALLABY-DEELEY, Mr. SOLLY JOEL, Lord HOWARD DE WALDEN, and others, who,
+I daresay, have four or even five, cannot know what it is to feel that
+their evening's refreshment and entertainment depend on their finding
+the French chalk or the india-rubber.
+
+Therefore I am making no stint in this matter. I am having fifteen
+dress-shirts, so that there may be one for wear each day in the week,
+seven in the laundry, and one over for emergencies--like _Parsifal_,
+that begins in the middle of the afternoon. I mean to be similarly
+lavish in the matter of collars and handkerchiefs. The number of the
+former which I am buying amounts almost to an epidemic; while the extent
+of my commission in the latter is the result of lessons learnt in the
+hard school of experience. I say unhesitatingly that the man who tries
+to get through life on a mere dozen handkerchiefs is simply begging
+for disaster, as, however methodical in their use he may be, a
+carelessly-caught cold may any day upset his reckoning and leave him at
+a loose end; sometimes scarcely that. Hence I am doing this part of my
+trousseau in princely fashion. I am having half a gross of them.
+
+Then there is my slumber-wear. For years I have hungered for silk ones,
+but have had no conscientious excuse for appeasing my appetite. To buy
+silk pyjamas in cold blood has hitherto seemed to me to be sheer cynical
+extravagance; but now I feel that circumstances justify me in my action,
+for it would be a very sorry thing for me to encounter a burglar or cope
+with a fire clad in apparel that would not be up to the standard of the
+rest of my wardrobe.
+
+Now, I am a great believer in dressing for the spirit of the moment;
+therefore I have resolved upon a pretty colour-scheme for my night-wear.
+My pyjamas are to be of tints conducive to refreshing rest, namely and
+severally white, lemon, light pink, and pale green--an idea which I
+candidly confess was inspired by the spectacle of a Neapolitan ice. If
+you think that this is merely an idle whim, just imagine endeavouring to
+sleep in pyjamas patterned like an Axminster carpet or a Scotch tartan.
+No wonder _Macbeth_ "murdered sleep" if he was arrayed in garments of
+his club-colours!
+
+I have brought the same aesthetic sense to bear upon my choice of ties
+and socks: greys and blacks for times of grave political crises; fawn,
+buff, pearl, moose--I am not sure that this is a colour, but it sounds
+quite possible--for brighter hours; and colours familiar to every
+student of spectroscopy for halcyon days of rejoicing--the opening of
+the Royal Academy, the Handel Festival, the return of HARRY LAUDER, or
+the elevation of Mr. BERNARD SHAW to the peerage.
+
+As for externals, suffice it to say that they will be _en suite_, and
+that I intend to introduce just a little touch of originality into my
+trousers. I am going to have them made with spats sewn to the leg-ends
+in order to save time and trouble in dressing.
+
+In short, I have forgotten nothing, except spare studs, and I think it
+is quite likely that I shall remember them too in course of time. I have
+even gone so far as to fix a day for a dress rehearsal. But first I
+shall invite my friends, as is the way with brides-elect, to a private
+view of my trousseau, when they shall see all of it spread upon the
+coverlet of my bed, over the backs of my chairs, or hanging in serried
+ranks in my wardrobe.
+
+And now nothing more remains to be done but to raise the necessary
+funds, and with this object in view I have instructed my broker to draw
+my money out of the Savings Bank. I am expecting a postal-order almost
+any moment.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Yokel._ "'OW FAST CAN SHE TRAVEL, MASTER?"
+
+_Owner._ "FIFTY MILES AN HOUR, MY MAN--EVEN SIXTY IF I CARE TO PUSH
+HER."
+
+_Yokel._ "AN' 'OW MANY IF YE BOTH SHOVE?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "'Anna virumque cano' was the burden of the charge the Chief
+     Secretary had to meet, and it sorely embarrassed the dear
+     gentleman."--_Liverpool Courier._
+
+Who is "ANNA"? We hope Mr. BIRRELL is not mixed up in a scandal.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: AN IMPALPABLE FLAME.
+
+_Claude._ "WHAT ARE YOU WAITIN' HERE FOR, OLD THING?"
+
+_Cuthbert._ "TO GIVE THESE FLOWERS AND CHOCOLATES TO THAT STUNNING
+LITTLE GIRL IN 'THE DEATH KISS OF DEADMAN'S GULCH.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE AWAKENING
+
+(_A Little Romance of the Restaurant-Car_).
+
+
+    Is there a sight so soothing to the brain
+      As England's outlines green and softly curved,
+    Visions of wooded slope and fertile plain
+    Seen by the traveller in a dining-train,
+    No doubts to vex him and no talk to strain,
+      His seat, his chance companion, both reserved?
+
+    I think not. Yet the rather stoutish man
+      Who never raised his head but chewed and chewed
+    Annoyed me as I feasted. I began
+    To deem him one who had no higher plan,
+    No larger outlook in life's journeyings, than
+      Resonant demolition of his food.
+
+    I longed to point to him the hedges twined
+      With starry blossoms, and the coats like silk
+    Of oxen as they wandered unconfined;
+    I longed to ask him if his heavier mind
+    Preferred the cattle of more stedfast kind
+      Stamped with advertisements of malted milk.
+
+    The little red-brick hamlets, poised apart,
+      And all the grandeur of the rolling leas,
+    I longed to ask him if they brought no smart
+    Of scarce-remembered boyhood to his heart.
+    But I refrained; and he took cherry tart
+      And after that two different kinds of cheese.
+
+    And then we neared a little market town
+      Half hidden in the dale, that seemed to cling
+    Fondly about a church of old renown;
+    And here the fat man started and looked down
+    And filled his tumbler to the foaming crown
+      And held it high as if to pledge the KING.
+
+    Some memory seemed to stir within his breast
+      As though the curtain of old days were torn,
+    And, as he drained the glass with eager zest,
+    "Behold," I thought, "I wronged him. In that nest,
+    So far from turmoil, full of old-world rest
+      (He is about to tell me), he was born.
+
+    "And now, before the antique spire hath fled,
+      Because remembrance of his home is dear,
+    He toasts it deeply." All my wrath was dead.
+    Then the man smiled at me and wagged his head;
+    "Junction for Little Barleythorpe," he said;
+      "A week ago these points upset my beer."
+
+    EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN UNPLAYED MASTERPIECE.
+
+
+[The growing popularity of the one-Act play has prompted the aphorism
+that what is required in this class of drama is a "maximum of action
+with a minimum of explanation." Nevertheless the following effort has
+been rejected by every Manager in London--a fact which decisively
+answers the oft-repeated question, "Do Managers read plays?"]
+
+SCENE--_A luxuriously furnished room in the flat of_ Violet Hazelwood.
+Violet _is seated, writing. The telephone on the table rings noisily._
+
+_Violet_ (_picking up the receiver_). Hello! Yes.... It's me.... Oh,
+it's Reggie.... Yes, I'm at home to you.... In three minutes?... Right,
+I shall be here. (_Hangs up receiver._)
+
+_Maid_ (_entering suddenly_). Sir Frank Bulkeley, m'm. (_Goes out and_
+Sir Frank _enters._)
+
+_Sir Frank._ My dear Violet---- (_A report is heard and a splintering of
+glass._) Confound it all, I'm shot! (_Falls on floor._)
+
+_Violet._ Yes, he certainly appears to be shot. I'd better go and see
+the police about it. (_Goes out._)
+
+_Reggie Fortescue_ (_entering precipitately_). Violet.... (_Looking
+round in perplexity_). Not here! She said she would be here.... She is
+false to me. False! I have nothing left to live for. (_Takes out a
+revolver, shoots himself and falls on the floor._)
+
+_Gerald Maristowe_ (_entering cautiously through the window and carrying
+a rifle_). This is a devil of a risky business, this rifle practice, but
+Ulster must be saved somehow. I see I've broken the window. Wonder if
+I've done any other damage. (_Sees_ Sir Frank.) Gee! I've killed a man!
+(_Sees_ Reggie.) Oh, glory! I've killed two of 'em! Reggie, too, by all
+that's rum! I say, you know, that's pretty useful shooting.... Still, it
+probably means hanging, and I'm--er--hanged if I'll be hanged. Let me
+rather die by my own hand. (_Discharges rifle at himself, and falls on
+floor._)
+
+_Violet_ (_re-entering with an Inspector and a Constable_). There he is,
+Inspector. (_Sees_ Gerald.) My goodness, there seem to be two now! I
+feel sure.... (_Sees_ Reggie.) _Three!_ Really, Inspector, I feel almost
+certain that when I left.... Oh, it's Reggie! My heart is broken!
+(_Faints._)
+
+_Inspector._ Stand back, Clarkson; this job requires thought. (_Takes up
+telephone receiver._) Circus 20634, Miss.... That you Doc.? Come round
+at once, please.... Two or three men shot.... Right.... (_Hangs up
+receiver._) Clarkson, measure the exact distance between each corpse and
+the window. (Clarkson _proceeds to do so._ _Enter_ Doctor.) Ah, Doc.,
+that's the little job I mentioned.
+
+_Doctor_ (_kneeling by_ Violet). This one isn't shot; she's only
+fainted. She'll be all right in a minute. (_Examines_ Gerald.) Nor is
+this one. _He_'ll be all right in a minute. (_Examines_ Reggie.) Nor is
+this one. _He_'ll be all right in a minute. (_Examines_ Sir Frank.) This
+one is, though. Dead as a door-nail. (Violet, Reggie _and_ Gerald _rise
+simultaneously to their feet._) There you are! I told you so.
+
+_Gerald_ (_aside_). Missed!
+
+_Reggie_ (_aside_). Missed! (_Aloud_) Violet, I love you!
+
+_Violet._ I'm _so_ glad, because I love you.
+
+_Reggie_ (_confidentially_). Do you know, I really thought I was dead.
+Hello, Gerald, old son, what are you doing here?
+
+_Gerald._ Oh, I thought I'd sort of look in, you know.
+
+_Inspector._ Violet Hazelwood, I arrest you for the murder of Sir Frank
+Bulkeley, Bart., and I warn you that anything you may say will be used
+in evidence against you. Clarkson, stop playing with that tape and
+handcuff the prisoner. (Clarkson _does so._)
+
+_Gerald_ (_aside_). Good business! That saves _my_ neck.
+
+_Violet._ But, my dear good soul.... However, I suppose it's no use to
+say anything. Reggie, I can never marry you now.
+
+_Reggie._ You couldn't in any case, my dear, because I haven't got any
+money.
+
+_Violet._ You forget that you are sole heir to Sir Frank there, who had
+fourteen thousand a year. _I_ thought of that at once.
+
+_Reggie._ Columbus! So I am. Well, that _is_ a dashed nuisance.
+
+_Gerald_ (_coming forward nobly_). My dear, dear friends, I cannot allow
+your happiness to be wrecked in this way. I killed Sir Frank! You can be
+married now.
+
+_Reggie._ Good egg! (_Embraces_ Violet.)
+
+_Inspector._ Gerald Maristowe, I arrest you for the murder of Sir Frank
+Bulkeley, Bart., and I warn you that anything you may say will be used
+in evidence against you.
+
+_Violet._ Oh, we must save him. What can we do?
+
+_Clarkson._ Lady, do you remember years ago giving sixpence to a
+starving boy in Peckham Rye?
+
+_Violet._ Yes.
+
+_Clarkson._ _I_ am--that is, _was_--that boy. I will save your friend.
+Inspector, you know that a reward of L10,000 is offered for the capture
+of the anarchist Mazzio?
+
+_Inspector._ Yes. I wish to heaven I could lay my hands on him.
+
+_Clarkson._ I can tell you how to do so.
+
+_Inspector._ How?
+
+_Clarkson_ (_dramatically tearing off his wig and false moustache_). I
+am Mazzio! (_Turning to_ Gerald _and the others_) I shall struggle
+violently. While he is engaged in arresting me, you can make good your
+escape.
+
+_Inspector._ Ha! Do you think I can be so easily baffled? (_Picking up
+telephone receiver._) There are other police in the neighbourhood.
+
+_Violet._ Not so. (_Slashes through the telephone cord with a knife_).
+
+_Gerald._ Bravo!
+
+_Inspector._ Oh, well, never mind. (_Puts his head out of the window and
+blows a police whistle. The others look at one another in
+consternation._) _Now_ I think I am master of the situation.
+
+_Clarkson._ Foiled! All the same, you are less fortunate than you
+imagine. When I said I was Mazzio, I lied.
+
+_Inspector._ Prove it.
+
+_Clarkson._ Easily. Mazzio has a scar on his left forearm. (_Rolling up
+sleeve._) I have none.
+
+_Inspector._ Oh, well, never mind. I can now proceed with the arrest of
+the murderer of Sir Frank Bulkeley, Bart.
+
+_Gerald_ (_aside_). I'm done for!
+
+_Clarkson._ There _must_ be some way of escape. Doc., it's up to you to
+do something.
+
+_Doctor._ With pleasure. I certify that Sir Frank died from heart
+disease.
+
+_Inspector_ (_stammering_). But--but--but he's _obviously_ shot. I mean
+to say----
+
+_Doctor._ I certify that Sir Frank Bulkeley died from heart disease ten
+seconds before the bullet struck him. You can do nothing in the face of
+my certificate.
+
+_Gerald, Reggie and Violet._ Saved!
+
+CURTAIN.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+This Wonderful World.
+
+     "A Hamburg bookkeeper named Schute who has just celebrated his 8th
+     birthday, has been with his employers for sixty years, while his
+     son, his grandson, and his great-grandson are also working for
+     them."
+
+     _The Evening News._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "During the last two years some marvellous 'finds' have been made
+     at this wonderful fortress from time to time. It is intended to
+     continue excavation work for a moth."
+
+     _Denbighshire Free Press._
+
+They can be caught much better with beer and treacle.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"LIBERAL MEMBER RESIGNS.
+
+WILL STAND AS INDEPENDENT.
+
+     London, Wednesday.--Mr. Joseph Martin, Liberal M.P. for East St.
+     Pancras, is resigning his seat, and will recontest it as an
+     independent South Pole under American auspices."--_Sydney Daily
+     Telegraph._
+
+Sir ERNEST SHACKLETON must look out.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _First Caddie._ "DOES IT MAKE YER DIZZY LOOKIN' DOWN
+THESE 'OLES?"
+
+_Second Caddie._ "No."
+
+_First Caddie._ "THEN WHY DON'T YOU GO TO THE PIN SOMETIMES?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FIRST TEE.
+
+(_Mullion, July 17th._)
+
+
+    It is the place, it is the place, my soul!
+      (Blow, bugle, blow; sing, triangle; toot, fife!)
+    Down to the sea the close-cropped pastures roll,
+    Couches behind yon sandy hill the goal
+      Whereat, it may be, after ceaseless strife
+    The "Colonel" shall find peace, and Henry say, "Your hole" ...
+
+        Caddie, give me my driver, caddie,
+          The sun shines hot, but there's half a breeze,
+        Enough to rustle the tree-tops, laddie,
+          Only supposing there were some trees;
+    The year's at the full and the morn's at eleven,
+    It's a wonderful day just straight from Heaven,
+    And this is a hole I can do in seven--
+                            Caddie, my driver, please.
+
+    Three times a day from now till Monday week
+      (Ten peerless days in all) I take my stand
+    Vestured in some _degage_ mode of breek
+    (The chess-board touch, with squares that almost speak),
+      And lightly sketch my Slice into the Sand,
+    As based on bigger men, but much of it unique ...
+
+        Caddie, give me my driver, caddie,
+          Note my style on the first few tees;
+        DUNCAN fashioned my wrist-work, laddie,
+          TAYLOR taught me to twist my knees;
+    I've a beautiful swing that I learnt from VARDON
+    (I practise it sometimes down the garden--
+    "My fault! Sorry! I _beg_ your pardon!")--
+                            Caddie, my driver, please.
+
+    Only ten little days, in which to do
+      So much! _E.g._, the twelfth: ah it was there
+    The Secretary met his Waterloo,
+    But perished gamely, playing twenty-two;
+      His clubs (_ten little days!_) lie bleaching where
+    Sea-poppies blow (_ten days!_) and wheeling sea-birds mew ...
+
+        Caddie, give me my driver, caddie,
+          Let us away with thoughts like these;
+        A week and a-half is a lifetime, laddie,
+          The day that's here is the day to seize;
+    _Carpe diem_--yes, that's the motto,
+    "Work be jiggered!" and likewise "What ho!"
+    I'M NOT GOING BACK TILL I'VE JOLLY WELL GOT TO!
+                            Caddie, my driver, please.
+
+    A. A. M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+     "The 'Gunboat' and his manager, Mr. Buckley, lounged out on the
+     beautiful old English lawn among the rose bushes and drank in the
+     sunshine."--_Daily Mirror._
+
+What offers from brewers, distillers, etc., to name the particular
+beverage which they drank in the sunshine?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Sir James Key Caird, the millionaire duke manufacturer of
+     Dundee."--_Montreal Gazette._
+
+His yearly output is singularly small.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: THE SEX'S PROGRESS.
+
+From "WOMEN AT PRIZE-FIGHTS" TO "WOMEN IN THE RING" SHOULD BE AN EASY
+STEP IN THE UPWARD MOVEMENT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PUNCHER'S GRIEVANCE.
+
+
+"You journalist chaps just spoil us," said Puncher Pete, when I called
+upon him yesterday at his training camp. "You draw us into conversation,
+stick down our remarks in your note-books, and then make us out to be
+the biggest boasters on the face of the earth. It's not right.
+
+"For instance, you've got it on the tip of your tongue to ask me if I
+think I'll lick Jimmy Battle next Thursday. Well, of course I'll lick
+him. Jimmy's a good boy, but he can't stay, and then _he_ hasn't gone
+twenty rounds with three blacks, as I have. But what's my opinion matter
+to you? Why make me shout it out like a cock on a steeple?
+
+"Yes, I shall beat Jimmy. Six rounds will cure him. All right. Very well
+then. Leave it at that.
+
+"One of your fellows called upon me two days ago. 'Pete,' he said, 'they
+say you're ill.' 'You tell 'em to mind their own ills,' I gave him back.
+Ill, indeed! If I were ill could I walk my forty miles a day and think
+nothing of it? Could I lift Harry Blokes there with one hand and hold
+him above my head? D'you suppose a sick man could do _this_?"
+
+The Puncher seized a skipping-rope and did marvellous things with it.
+Then he smashed lustily at a punch-ball, left, right, left, right, duck,
+bing! "Here, Harry!" he cried. His sparring partner approached, bruised
+but beaming. The Puncher knocked him down.
+
+"I seem ill, don't I?" said Pete, turning to me. "But what's it got to
+do with all you chaps, anyway? Wait till Thursday. Then you'll find out
+whether I'm ill or not. And even if I was ill Jimmy couldn't do it.
+Jimmy's got as good a punch as the next man, I'll say that for him. If
+he gets it in it would fell an ox. But can he get it in? Not next
+Thursday.
+
+"Now, see here, you're not going to draw any words from me about the
+coming fight. You may draw others. I refuse. Let's get right off this
+fight and on to other things.
+
+"After all, fighters are modest chaps. When I knocked Torpedo Troop out
+in three rounds last April for a purse of L5,000 and the Championship of
+Nova Scotia I didn't go bragging. I might have said that this was the
+first time that the Torpedo had ever had his eyes closed. Well, I
+didn't. What's more, I never shall. Tell your reader that!
+
+"Take my victory over Quartermain, again. Or over Dinghy Abbs, who was
+down and out in the second round in spite of all the fuss that was made
+about him beforehand. I was a sick man at both these fights. Not a soul
+knew it, mind you. My wife--for I'm as fond of home life as any ordinary
+man, and we have a little baby--my wife used to worry terribly. She'd
+expect me to come home on a stretcher. But I never happened to choose
+that conveyance, and she don't fret any more.
+
+"Will it be a stretcher on Thursday? I can see you want to put that
+question, but I'll ask you to excuse me. Next Thursday, as I've already
+hinted, will tell its own story, and when I say that the tale will have
+a happy ending for one of us who isn't too far from your ear to boast
+about it if he was inclined that way, perhaps you'll guess without my
+telling you what I mean.
+
+"Not at all, Sir. Don't mention it. I'm always glad to have a friendly
+chat with anyone, and I hope you'll forgive me for refusing to talk
+shop."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: A RESORT TO THE OBVIOUS.
+
+MR. PUNCH. "PERMIT ME, GENTLEMEN--I DON'T THINK YOU KNOW ONE ANOTHER:
+SIR EDWARD CARSON--MR. REDMOND. IT'S MORE THAN TIME YOU MET."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+(EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.)
+
+
+_House of Lords, Monday, July 13._--CAMPERDOWN, like HABAKKUK, is
+_capable de tout_. Can do (is at least ready to undertake) anything.
+Like Lord JOHN RUSSELL, he would at an hour's notice take charge of the
+British fleet, whether in Home waters or on Foreign stations. Confesses
+with pathetic modesty that there are two things beyond his capacity. One
+is to find a needle in a pottle of hay; the other, to discover a teller
+in Division Lobby when no one proposes to tell.
+
+To-night this last dilemma faced noble earl. Home Rule Amendment Bill
+before House in Report stage. MACDONELL moved amendment introducing
+principle of proportional representation. After long debate Question put
+from Woolsack. There being a few cries of "Not content!" House cleared
+for division.
+
+Hereupon strange thing happened. Whilst majority of peers streamed into
+Content Lobby discovery was made that not only were there no tellers for
+the Not-Contents but no Not-Contents for the tellers. Fortunately
+CAMPERDOWN on the spot. Instantly took charge of the affair. According
+to his own narrative, which thrilled the listening Senate, he had gone
+into Division Lobby, "where," he added, "I stayed a long time."
+
+Began to realise something of the feeling of the boy who stood on the
+burning deck whence all but he had fled. CAMPERDOWN essentially a man
+of action. No use mooning round deserted Lobby wondering where
+everybody was.
+
+"I tried," he protested, "to find a teller for the Not-Contents, which I
+was not able to do. There were no Not-Contents in the Not-Contents'
+Lobby and there were no tellers. I do not know," he added, turning his
+head with enquiring pose, like _Mr. Pecksniff_ asking his pupil _Martin
+Chuzzlewit_ to take compass, pencil and paper, and "give me your idea of
+a wooden leg," "whether any of your lordships have seen an occurrence
+like this before. I have not."
+
+Illustration: The shade of MASTERMAN recalls happy memories to the
+inconsolable WORTHINGTON EVANS.
+
+Murmur of sympathy ran round perturbed benches. Dilemma awful,
+unprecedented, irretrievable. But everyone felt that CAMPERDOWN had done
+his duty, and that if he had failed to find Not-Contents in an empty
+Lobby no one else could have found them.
+
+_Business done._--In House of Commons PREMIER announced winding-up of
+business at earliest possible moment with intent to meet again in "early
+winter" for new Session. No Autumn Session, you'll observe. Feeling
+against it so strong that insistence might have broken bonds that link
+faithful Ministerialists with their esteemed Leader. Accordingly
+prorogation about usual time in August, and new Session, instead of
+opening in February, will date from November. When we come to think of
+it, seems to amount to much the same thing as Autumn Session, which
+usually begins in mid-October. That an illusion. There will be no Autumn
+Session. Only we shall all be back at Westminster again in drear
+November.
+
+Illustration: "He did not want these adaptations of a German system,
+which the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER seemed to have chosen."--_Lord
+HUGH CECIL._
+
+_House of Commons, Tuesday._
+
+Like RACHEL weeping for her children, the Opposition will not be
+comforted in respect of the continued absence of CHANCELLOR of the
+Duchy. 'Tis a touching trait, illustrating the high level of human
+nature the Commons reach. Had it been MASTERMAN'S political friends who
+mourned his absence, recognising in it cause of insecurity for the
+Empire, situation would be natural and comprehensible. It is from the
+so-labelled enemy's camp that lamentation is sounded. WORTHINGTON EVANS,
+MASTERMAN'S severest censor whilst he still sat on Treasury Bench in
+charge of Insurance Act, is in especial degree inconsolable. Physically
+and intellectually reduced to a pulp--using the word of course in
+Parliamentary sense.
+
+As he is too unnerved to dwell upon subject, BARNSTON and HAYES FISHER
+to-day take it up. Want to know how long a state of things most painful
+on their side of the House is to continue? PREMIER makes light reply.
+Points out that it's no new thing for a Minister to fail to find a seat,
+the globe meanwhile serenely revolving on its axis. In 1885 and in 1892
+the Duchy was unrepresented on the Treasury Bench.
+
+A more striking case, overlooked by PREMIER, of a Minister long
+struggling with adversity at the poll finding the door of House of
+Commons bolted and barred is familiar to Lord HALSBURY. Appointed
+Solicitor-General in 1875 HARDINGE GIFFARD did not take his seat till
+the Session of 1877. Crushed at Cardiff, left in the lurch at
+Launceston, hustled at Horsham, named as a probable starter at every
+election race in the three kingdoms taking place within a period of
+eighteen months, he persuaded the blushing borough of Launceston, on a
+second wooing, to yield to his advances.
+
+Oddly enough, when at last he came to the Table to take the oath, he
+found he had mislaid the return to the writ, production of which is
+indispensable preliminary. Was nearly turned back, a calamity averted by
+discovery of the document in his hat on a bench under the Gallery where
+he had awaited SPEAKER'S summons to the Table.
+
+But precedents are nothing when the bosom is deeply stirred.
+
+"Can't the CHANCELLOR of the Duchy make an effort to secure a seat?"
+BARNSTON asked in tremulous voice.
+
+"He has made two already," retorted the practical PREMIER.
+
+Then came along WATT, with cryptic inquiry breaking silence that brooded
+over Ministerial benches.
+
+"Has the time not arrived," he asked, "to jettison JONAH, in view of the
+fact that nobody seems willing to swallow him but the whale?"
+
+House left thinking the matter over.
+
+_Business done._--House of Lords passed Third Reading of transformed
+Home Rule Amendment Bill. In the Commons Budget Bill again dealt with in
+Committee. Sharp strictures from both sides. But Ministerialists who had
+come to criticise remained to vote in its favour. Majority accordingly
+maintained at normal level.
+
+_Wednesday._--SON AUSTEN, who little more than a fortnight ago left the
+House Member for East Worcester, returned to-day representing the
+division of Birmingham where his father sat impregnably throned for
+uninterrupted period of twenty-nine years. As he walked up to Table to
+take the oath and sign afresh the roll of Parliament, was hailed by
+hearty burst of general cheering.
+
+This rare. Common enough for one or other political party to welcome
+recruit to its ranks. On such occasions, the other side sit silent, save
+when especial circumstances elicit responsive bout of ironical cheering.
+To-day's demonstration afforded striking recognition of genuine merit
+modestly displayed.
+
+Ever a difficult thing for young Member to be son of distinguished
+father also seated in the House. Position to be sustained only by
+exercise of qualities of mind and manner rarely combined. Whilst his
+father yet enthralled attention and admiration of House by supreme
+capacity SON AUSTEN successfully faced the ordeal. After DON JOSE'S
+withdrawal from the scene his son's advance to a leading place in the
+councils of his party and the estimation of the House was rapid. Within
+limits of present Session he has shown increased power as a debater,
+promising attainment of still loftier heights. Ever courteous in manner,
+untainted by the "new style" deplored by PREMIER, he, though an
+uncompromising party man, has made no personal enemies among any section
+of his political opponents.
+
+_Business done._--House of Lords threw out Plural Voters Bill on second
+time of asking. Commons still in Committee on Budget.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: A REVOLTING TASK.
+
+THE WAITER'S EARLY-MORNING JOB.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Hearne and Mead, the not-outs of Monday, were separated at 80,
+     their partnership having yielded 441 in forty-five minutes."
+
+     _Daily Mail._
+
+The spectators, we suppose, could stand the strain no longer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DIPLOMACY.
+
+
+(_Yawning, though rude, is, according to the doctors, an extremely
+healthy exercise._)
+
+    I have a friend who wrote a book
+      And begged me to peruse it,
+    And bluntly state the view I took--
+      Encourage or abuse it.
+    I want, he said, the truth alone,
+    But said it in a hopeful tone.
+
+    Perceiving there was no escape,
+      With Chapter I. I led off;
+    Page 2 provoked my earliest gape,
+      At 3 I yawned my head off,
+    At 4 I cast the thing away
+    Unto some dim and distant day.
+
+    For weeks I racked my harassed brain
+      For something kind and ruthful,
+    To spare his feelings and remain
+      Comparatively truthful
+    (I'm very often troubled by
+    My inability to lie).
+
+    "Dear Charles," I wrote him in the end,
+      "I fear no contradiction
+    When I declare that you have penned
+      A healthy work of fiction.
+    I am, I candidly admit,
+    A sounder man through reading it."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Captain Turner only got a single
+    when J. W. Hearne bowled him, and
+    lunch was taken.
+
+    ESSEX.
+    F. L. Fane c. Hendren b. Kidd  57
+    Russell run out                51
+    Major Turner b. J. W. Hearne    1"
+
+Probably the Major got his step during lunch; and it was no doubt richly
+deserved, though not on account of the score he had made in the morning
+as a Captain.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "John Charles Edmund Carson were the names which Lord Gillford, the
+     infant heir of Lord and Lady Clanwilliam, received yesterday
+     afternoon."
+
+     _Daily Mail._
+
+If only this were a misprint for John Charles Redmond Carson.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "The anniversary of the Cattle of the Boyne was celebrated with
+     unusual enthusiasm throughout Canada."
+
+     _"Times" Toronto Correspondent._
+
+These were the original Irish bulls, we suppose.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Plant strawberry runners with grouse on Aug. 12th."--_R.H.S.
+     Gardener's Diary._
+
+     "Plant daffodils between grouse and partridges."--_R.H.S.
+     Gardener's Diary._
+
+The daffodils should make good cover, but the runners will stand no
+chance against the Cockney sportsman.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: THE OLD, OLD PROBLEM.
+
+IS THE BATSMAN OUT OR NOT?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EXERCISE 1.
+
+
+I must confess that at one time I had little regard for collectors of
+cigarette cards; it seemed a feeble pursuit, though perhaps I should add
+I am of a somewhat intellectual nature.
+
+Some little time ago, however, I happened to glance at one of these
+cards and was surprised to see a picture of a gentleman attired in white
+flannels and a vest of white, decorated with red embroidery. He was
+grasping a towel in both hands and appeared to have two or three sets of
+arms. The label said, "Scarf or Towel Exercises 4." A perusal of the
+instructions on the back of the card made everything clear.
+
+Ten minutes later I entered the shop of an athletic outfitter.
+Unfortunately he had no white vests with red edges: I had to purchase
+one with blue. A scarf or towel I could find at home.
+
+Then I entered a tobacconist's.
+
+Four days later I had collected Scarf or Towel Exercises 2 and 3.
+
+"We can," I said, "now make a start." As a matter of fact it was not
+altogether a foolish proceeding. Deep thinkers are apt to overlook the
+need for physical culture. This error I decided to remedy.
+
+Every morning I (1) stood in position illustrated, (2) raised arms above
+head in manner indicated by the instructions, (3) straightened right arm
+and lowered right hand so that towel (_still taut_) sloped to right, (4)
+returned to Position 1. I then changed towel for scarf (my own idea) and
+continued with Exercises 3 and 4.
+
+I was very happy; my only worry was the absence of Scarf or Towel
+Exercises 1.
+
+Every morning I called at the tobacconist's and purchased packets of
+cigarettes, eagerly searching them for the missing card. Every afternoon
+I called again.
+
+For a week I bore my disappointment bravely; then I became cynical.
+
+"Perhaps," I said, "there is no Exercise 1. It may be a joke on the part
+of the makers."
+
+My consumption of cigarettes increased. Packet followed packet with
+extraordinary rapidity, and still no Exercise 1.
+
+I began to get worried. "Is it safe," I asked myself, "to do 2, 3 and 4
+without 1? The omission may have a serious effect on 2, 3 and 4."
+
+Then I returned to the attack with renewed vigour. In a week I got
+through twenty tens--with no result.
+
+Disappointed and weary I was walking to the office one morning when
+suddenly I had an attack of giddiness. By the end of the day I was
+beginning to wonder if I was very ill. I felt it. Usually the clearest
+of thinkers, I was dizzy and dazed.
+
+The evening saw the arrival of my doctor, and a thorough examination
+followed, at the end of which he shook his head gravely.
+
+"'M," he murmured. "Ah."
+
+"Tell me," I said with extraordinary calmness--"tell me the worst. Brain
+fever, I suppose?"
+
+"Oh, dear no," he replied. "What I'm worrying about is the heart. It's
+in a bad state--a really bad state. Heaven knows how many cigarettes
+you've been consuming lately. You'll have to stop it altogether."
+
+I looked at him blankly; then, with a bitter laugh, I (1) stood in
+position illustrated, (2) raised arms above head in manner indicated by
+the instructions, (3) straightened right arm and lowered right hand so
+that handkerchief (_still taut_) sloped to right, and (4) returned to
+sofa.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Latest Style in Strikes.
+
+     "Engineers and firemen on the western railways of the United States
+     have threatened to strike unless their demands for increased wages
+     and other reforms are not granted."
+
+     _The Times._
+
+They seem very hard to please.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: Mr. H. B. IRVING (_Sir Hubert Lisle_).
+
+"Pomfret will fall in another two seconds if I don't ride over and raise
+the siege. Still, my first duty is to Mr. STEPHEN PHILLIPS, and he wants
+me for a few dialogues and a brace of soliloquies before I start."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"THE SIN OF DAVID."
+
+
+This is not, like the plays in which JOSEPH has recently figured, an
+adaptation from the Hebrew. Mr. STEPHEN PHILLIPS has given a
+seventeenth-century (A.D.) setting to the BATHSHEBA motive,
+transplanting it from the polygamous East into the England of
+one-man-one-wife. His object, no doubt, was to emphasize one aspect of
+his borrowed theme, which is further enforced by his choice of
+_milieu_--the camp of the Puritans.
+
+Lest this fairly obvious note of irony should escape us, Mr. PHILLIPS
+accentuates it at the start by making his DAVID (_Sir Hubert Lisle_,
+Commander of the Parliamentary Forces in the fenland) condemn a young
+officer to be shot for a "carnal" offence. The delinquent's answer--
+
+    "Thou who so lightly dealest death to me
+    Be thou then very sure of thine own soul;"
+
+and _Lisle's_ prayer--
+
+    "And judge me, Thou that sittest in Thy Heaven,
+    As I have shown no mercy, show me none!...
+    If ever a woman's beauty shall ensnare
+    My soul into such sin as he hath sinned"--
+
+these passages, even if the title of the play had not prepared us,
+afford fair warning of the way in which things have got to go. In fact
+it is all very simple and straightforward, and (on the constructive
+side) Hellenic. Perhaps indeed the treatment is a little too direct, and
+the tragedy moves too quickly to its consummation (thirty or forty
+minutes suffice for the reading of it). It might serve its publisher (of
+the Bodley Head) as one of a series to be entitled: "Half-hours with the
+Best Sinners."
+
+As a poem _The Sin of David_ cannot compare for beauty with _Paolo and
+Francesca_, though it contains isolated lines which recall Mr.
+PHILLIPS'S earliest drama, such as the plea of _Joyce_, the condemned
+officer--
+
+    "Her face was close to me, and dimmed the world."
+
+or _Lisle's_--
+
+    "Thou hast unlocked the loveliness of earth."
+
+But then, of course, the exotic manner would here have been an
+impropriety. This is not Rimini; it is the English Fenland; and all the
+characters, with the exception of _Miriam Mardyke_ (the BATHSHEBA of the
+piece), who was bred in France and had its sun in her blood, were of the
+Puritan pattern that does not accommodate itself very easily to the
+language of passion.
+
+But all this we knew ten years ago, when _The Sin of David_ was first
+published; and the only new interest was the question of its
+adaptability to the theatre. Poetic drama seldom gains much by
+presentation on the stage, unless it is full of action; and there is
+little action in this play except of the inward kind. In almost the only
+case where quick movement is here demanded one becomes conscious of the
+intrusion of words. When he knows that the relief of Pomfret depends
+upon his instant action, _Lisle_ still finds time for conversations with
+his servant, with _Miriam_ and with the doctor, and for a couple of
+well-sustained soliloquies.
+
+Certain lines, again, whose literary flavour, when read, makes us
+overlook their inherent improbability in the mouth of the character that
+utters them, take on, when spoken, an air of artifice. Such are the
+lines in which _Miriam_ describes her old sister-in-law, to her face, as
+
+            "living without sin
+    And reputably rusting to the grave."
+
+And there is always the danger that actors will be content with a rather
+slurred and perfunctory recitation of lines that have no bearing on the
+action but are just inserted for joy as a rhetorical embroidery.
+
+It may be a trivial criticism, but I think the play suffered a little
+from the appearance of the love-child whose death was to be the
+punishment for _Lisle's_ sin in sending _Mardyke_ to his death in a
+forlorn hope. The instructions in my book are contradictory. The time of
+Act III. is described as "five years later," and we are then told that
+"four years are supposed to have elapsed since Act II." Anyhow, the boy
+should be only three or four years old. Actually he is a girl (the stage
+must have it so) of some ten summers. You may say that all those years
+during which the lovers' passion has been purified by worship of the
+child's innocence, and "God has not said a word," add a dramatic force
+to the blow when at last it falls. But for myself--a mere matter of
+taste--I feel that the vengeance of Heaven has been nursed too long.
+
+As for the interpretation, I must honestly compliment Mr. IRVING and
+Miss MIRIAM LEWES on their performance. It is true that I should never
+have mistaken Mr. IRVING for a fighting Roundhead, and he might well
+have sacrificed something of his personality for the sake of illusion.
+It is true, too, that he was more concerned about dramatic than poetic
+effects; yet, within the limitations of a very marked individuality, he
+did justice to the author by a performance that was most sincere and
+persuasive. Miss LEWES played her more difficult part with great charm
+and delicacy. Her manner, even under stress of passionate feeling, still
+kept the right restraint that _Miriam_ had learnt from her environment;
+but always we were made to feel that under the prim Puritan gown was a
+body that had been "born in the sun's lap," and held the warmth of the
+vinelands in its veins. Perhaps it was from France, too, that _Miriam_
+had caught her strange habit of pronouncing "my" (a perfectly good word)
+as "me."
+
+There is little so worth seeing on the stage to-day as _The Sin of
+David_, and I very sincerely hope that both the play and its
+interpreters may win the wide appreciation they have earned.
+
+    O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It is unfortunate that Mr. ARTHUR ECKERLEY'S ingenious little farce, _A
+Collection will be made_, was only introduced into the bill at the
+Garrick two days before the withdrawal of the _Duke of Killicrankie_,
+and that, like the melancholy _Jaques_, it has had to share the ducal
+exile. I look forward to its early reappearance under happier auspices,
+and with Mr. GUY NEWALL again in the leading part.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "The father of a young lady, aged 15--a typical 'FLAPPER'--with all
+     the self-assurance of a woman of 30, would be grateful for the
+     recommendation of a seminary (not a convent) where she might be
+     placed."--_Times._
+
+     "Coaching required for Cambridge Little Girl."--_Times._
+
+Is it the same little girl?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: A PROPOSAL FOR THE PURCHASE OF DONKEYS FOR PRACTISING
+AMMUNITION-SUPPLY IN THE FIELD HAS BEEN APPROVED BY THE WAR OFFICE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RETROSPECTIVE.
+
+
+[_The armbone of a prehistoric lion has been discovered in Fleet Street
+during the excavations for the new offices of "The Daily Chronicle."
+Remains of other prehistoric animals were found some years ago near the
+same spot._]
+
+    READER, when last you went down Fleet
+    (Wait half-a-second. Thank you.) Street,
+    And gazed upon it from your seat,
+        Perched on a motor-bus,
+    Did you, I wonder, guess that there,
+    In ages long ago, the bear
+    Contended for the choicest lair
+        With the rhinoceros?
+
+    Where now the expectant taxis prowl,
+    And growlers, still surviving, growl,
+    And agonised pedestrians howl,
+        Seeing the traffic skid,
+    There lions roamed the swampy glade,
+    There the superb okapi brayed,
+    And many a mighty mammoth made
+        Whatever noise it did.
+
+    It pleases me to pause and think
+    That where to-day flows printing-ink
+    All sorts of beasts came down to drink
+        Clear waters from a spring.
+    I like to reconstruct the scene;
+    I feel existence must have been,
+    Before the rotary machine,
+        A more delightful thing.
+
+    I like to think how, westward bound,
+    Tigers pursued their prey and found
+    The Strand a happy hunting ground,
+        Seeking tit-bits by night.
+    Reader, will you come there with me
+    When London lies asleep? Maybe
+    Their phantoms still prowl stealthily
+        Down by the Aldwych site.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SOCIETY NOTES.
+
+
+Lady Diana Dingo was in the Park yesterday, walking with Lancelot, her
+new ant-eater, and the latter, who has happily recovered from his severe
+attack of measles, is now quite tame, and was wearing bronzed toe-nails
+and a large blue ribbon under the left ear.
+
+The Countess of Torquay and her sister, Mrs. Pygmalion Popinjay, were at
+the Earl's Court Exhibition on Wednesday. The Countess's crested toucan,
+Willy, was much admired.
+
+The Ladies' Park Pet race at Ranelham next Friday is expected to prove
+an exciting event, especially as Stella, Lady Killaloo, has entered her
+large crocodile, Horace--called after her late husband--who is known to
+prove rather fractious at times.
+
+Mrs. Halliday Hare is in deep mourning for her bandicoot, Maud Eliza,
+who was unfortunately set upon and eaten last week by the Hon. Mrs.
+Joram's young jaguar during an afternoon call at the house of a mutual
+friend of their mistresses. Mrs. Hare is leaving town at once, and her
+house will be closed until late in the autumn.
+
+The iguana worn by Miss Bay Buskin in the second Act of _The Belle of
+Bow Street_ is a delightful little creature, and accompanies his
+mistress everywhere. While on the subject of the theatre, we are glad to
+learn that the cages now being erected behind the stage at Galy's
+Theatre will soon be ready, when there should be no further cause for
+complaint about the rapacity of some of the larger carnivora owned by
+certain ladies of the chorus.
+
+The recent fashion of having one's pet emu coloured to match one's frock
+is dying out, and armadilloes with gilded trotters are becoming the
+vogue.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COMPULSION.
+
+
+"Very well," said the lady of the house, "don't let's do it. Nobody can
+force us to go to the seaside if we don't want to."
+
+"It's too late," I said, "to begin to agree with me now."
+
+"It's never too late to realise how reasonable you are."
+
+"Yes, it is. The agreement is signed; half the rent has been paid;
+Sandstone House has got us by the legs, and, whether we like it or not,
+we've got to go there next week."
+
+"We might try the effect of a death-bed repentance."
+
+"No," I said, "we're dead already. We died when the blessed agreement
+was signed."
+
+"Well, then, let's write and say our aunt from British Columbia is about
+to arrive here unexpectedly on a visit to us, and that sand and seaweed
+and prawns and star-fish are simply death to her. We can wind up with a
+strong appeal to the landlord's better nature. No true landlord can wish
+to be responsible for the death of anybody's British Columbian aunt."
+
+"You're quite wrong," I said. "Landlords just revel in that kind of
+thing. Besides, he will not believe in our aunt. He will say that she is
+too thin."
+
+"But the aunt I'm thinking of is stout and wheezy. She is a widow; her
+name is Aunt Wilhelmina; except ourselves there's nobody in the world
+left for her to cling to. No marine landlord can dare to separate us
+from Aunt Wilhelmina."
+
+"It's no good," I said. "I'll admit that your Aunt Wilhelmina----"
+
+"She's only mine by marriage, you know; but I love her like a daughter."
+
+"I admit," I continued, "that Aunt-by-marriage Wilhelmina may some day
+be useful to us. We will put her by for another occasion. But she can't
+help us now."
+
+"Well, go ahead yourself and suggest something, then."
+
+"I could suggest a thousand things. Suppose we just pay the rest of the
+rent and don't go."
+
+"The man," she said with conviction, "is mad."
+
+"I thought you'd say that, and I know you'd say the same about any other
+suggestion of mine, so I shan't make any more."
+
+"You mustn't be sulky," she said.
+
+"I never am. I'm reasonable, but, as usual, you'll realise it too late.
+Besides," I added, "it's you who've brought us into this fix."
+
+"I?" she said with an air of wonder. "How can I have done that?"
+
+"I'll tell you," I said firmly, for I saw that my chance had come. "For
+weeks and weeks past you have been engaged in shutting up avenues and
+closing loop-holes. Wherever there was the tiniest way of escape from
+the seaside, there you were with your walls and your fences, until at
+last you'd got me safely penned in."
+
+"You didn't struggle much, did you?"
+
+"No, I was like the man in _The Pit and the Pendulum_, and you
+were--whoever it was that made the walls close in on him."
+
+"I refuse," she said, "to be called a Spanish Inquisition."
+
+"You may refuse as much as you like, but that's the sort of thing you've
+been. How you worked on my domestic affections and my household pride!
+When Helen forgot to go to her music-lesson you said the poor child was
+evidently run down and wanted a breath of sea-air. When Rosie lost her
+German exercise-book, and when Peggy fell off her bicycle, you worked
+both these accidents round into an imperative demand for salt water.
+When John was bitten by a gnat you said the spot was bilious and things
+would never be right with him until he got into a more bracing climate;
+and when Bates tripped up in the pantry and broke a week's income in
+plates and dishes you said he needed tone and would get it at the sea.
+Seaside, seaside, seaside! I couldn't get away from it."
+
+"Oh, but you haven't been there yet, you know. You're shouting before
+you're hurt."
+
+"No," I said, "I am not--I mean I am hurt, but I'm not shouting. I'm
+just whispering a few salutary truths."
+
+"And there's another thing," she said; "it must be terrible for you to
+know what a designing person your wife is."
+
+"Madam," I said, "my wife is as heaven made her. I will not permit her
+to be abused. She has good impulses. She means well. Her plain sewing is
+quite excellent."
+
+"Spare me," she said, "oh spare me. I will never go to the sea again."
+
+"But you _shall_ go to the sea," I said. "Everything is settled. The
+agreement is signed; the tickets are all but taken. John and Peggy are
+panting for pails and spades. Do you think I want to stand in the way of
+their innocent pleasures? We will all try for shrimps while you sit on a
+heap of sand and tell us not to get too wet, or that it's time for tea,
+and have I forgotten the thermos-flask again."
+
+"Horatio," she said, "I can see you paddling in my mind's eye."
+
+"But tell me," I said, "when do we start."
+
+"We start on Tuesday. The whole lot of us together, you know, servants
+and all. Won't that be fun?"
+
+"Ye--es," I said, "it will--I mean it would if I could go with you, but
+unfortunately----"
+
+"_What!_" she said, "you mean to desert us?"
+
+"No, no, I can never desert you, but I've got two solemn engagements on
+Tuesday--meetings in the City."
+
+"Then I'm to take the whole party, am I?"
+
+"Yes, dear," I said. "And I'll join you next day."
+
+"You've won," she said.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+KITTY ADARE.
+
+
+    Sweet as a wild-rose was Kitty Adare,
+    Blithe as a laverock and shy as a hare;
+      Mid all the grand ladies of all the grand cities
+      You'd not find the face half so pretty as Kitty's;
+      "'Tis the fine morning this, Kit," says I; she says, "It is,"
+    The day she went walking to get to the Fair.
+
+    She was bred to give trouble, was Kitty Adare,
+    For she had my heart caught like a bird in a snare;
+      O, her laugh was the ripple of quick-running water,
+      And--the seventh-born child of a seventh-born daughter--
+      She wore the green shoes that the fairies had brought her
+    To help her go dancing that day at the Fair.
+
+    She'd the foot of a princess, had Kitty Adare,
+    And the road fell behind her like peel off a pear;
+      She was into the town with the lads and the lassies,
+      And the shouting of showmen and braying of asses,
+      And on to the green where the best of the grass is,
+    With the sun shining bright on the fun of the Fair!
+
+    She was light as a feather, was Kitty Adare,
+    And she danced like a flame in a current of air;
+      O, look at her now--she retreating, advancing,
+      And stepping and stopping, and gliding and glancing!
+      There wasn't a one was her marrow at dancing
+    Of all the young maidens who danced at the Fair.
+
+    O Kitty, O Kitty, O Kitty Adare,
+    Till the music was beaten you danced to it there;
+      And the fiddler, poor fellow, the way that he was in,
+      Him sweating for six and his bow wanting rosin,
+      He was put past the fiddling a month--all because in
+    A pair of green shoes Kitty danced at the Fair!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Cheerful Householder (to burglar)._ "BY THE WAY, WHEN
+YOU GO DOWNSTAIRS YOU MIGHT LET THE CAT IN; SHE'S BEEN SPOILING MY
+SLEEP."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+
+If memory serves me, the publishers of _World's End_ (HURST AND
+BLACKETT) described its theme as one of unusual delicacy, or words to
+that effect. I should like to reassure them. The particular kind of
+marriage of convenience which it concerns (marriage for the convenience
+of the wronged heroine, by which the virtuous hero gives his name to the
+child of the villain) may be, indeed is, a delicate matter, but--in
+fiction at least--by no manner of means unusual. Nor can I see that its
+present treatment by AMELIE RIVES (Princess TROUBETZKOY) lends it any
+degree of novelty. No, let me be just; perhaps _Richard Bryce_, the
+wicked betrayer, does strike a somewhat new note, at least in his
+beginnings. _Richard_ was the product of art superimposed upon dollars.
+He was so cultured that the humanity in him had dwindled to a negligible
+quantity; and thus, when poor _Phoebe_ wanted him to "do the right thing
+by her," he sent her instead some charmingly modern French verse--which
+she could not understand--and finally took ship for Europe in mingled
+alarm and boredom. You will have gathered that the scene is laid in
+America. Perhaps this explains the hero. _Owen Randolph_ was one of the
+strong and silent. He was so silent that, though he knew perfectly well
+all that had happened, he married _Phoebe_, and allowed that unhappy
+lady to suffer chapters of agonized apprehension as to his attitude,
+when half-a-dozen words would have set her at ease on the subject. He
+was, moreover, so strong that, when eventually the theme of their
+relations with _Phoebe_ did crop up between himself and _Richard_, the
+latter spent some months in hospital as a consequence. However, he
+recovered, and things were thus able to reach the kind of ending which
+was expected of them. There are parts of _World's End_ that are worthy
+of a better whole, but that is the best I can say for it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I believe that _Paul Moorhouse_ (LONG) was never really predestined to
+end unhappily and that his suicide was a conclusion as little
+premeditated by the author as it was apparently by the hero. If such
+ends must be, they should be a climax demanded by relentless logic: some
+sort of culminating event should occur which, added to what has gone
+before, leaves no alternative. _Paul_, however, had survived for years
+under the stress of all the circumstances which finally constrained him
+to make an end of himself; and, had he stayed the course--only another
+hour or so--he would have found that all had turned out for the best and
+that adequate arrangements had been made for his permanent happiness. No
+doubt these things happen in real life and I cannot accuse Mr. GEORGE
+WOUIL (a most discerning author) of any inhuman treatment of his puppet;
+yet I wish that he had been more kindly disposed and had spared me a
+bitter disappointment. Having known _Paul_, man and boy, for upwards of
+ten years, I had become sincerely attached to him; as assistant
+time-keeper, foreman and works-manager he showed a spirit true to the
+real Black Country type. He had his moments of weakness when he went
+astray after the manner of his kind; but he always became master of
+himself again and, when he had to, paid like a man the price of his
+misdeeds, never pausing to discover the overcharge. As for _Joan Ware_,
+his intended and his due, she was a dear; poor dear!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I do not think that you will believe _The Story of Fifine_ (CONSTABLE),
+although Mr. BERNARD CAPES takes some pains to give it an air of
+actuality; but if you are like me you will not be greatly concerned
+about that. Purporting to be the ill-used daughter of a mad French
+marquis, _Fifine_, in that _naive_ and charming way which has always
+been so dear to the hearts of novelists, came to live at the bachelor
+abode in Paris of the sculptor _Felix Dane_ (his half-sister, who was
+keeping house for the marquis, provided the introduction), and, calling
+each other "cousin" and "gossip," these two shared rooms together in
+perfect simplicity of soul and held several conversations which reflect,
+I suppose, Mr. BERNARD CAPES' views on the plastic arts and life in
+general. And why, in passing, he should continue to heap ridicule on
+staid Victorian respectability I cannot for the life of me imagine. The
+plucky and unorthodox thing nowadays surely is to make game of
+Bohemianism. But, anyhow, the happy moment for me arrived when _Felix
+Dane_ suggested (on the grounds that the marquis would soon discover his
+daughter's hiding-place) a holiday tour through Provence. Mr. BERNARD
+CAPES in Provence is Mr. BERNARD CAPES at his best. How the lovers (for
+that--perhaps you roguishly guessed it?--they gradually became) paid
+visits to Nimes, to Aigues-Mortes, to Arles and to Paradou les Baux, and
+met _M. Carabas Cabarus_, the native minstrel, you must read for
+yourself, for I cannot give a faint idea of the eloquence with which
+their fairyland is portrayed. And if the plot ends as artificially as it
+began, and with an unnecessary tragedy thrown in, I suppose for the sake
+of that idyll in the very nesting-place of idylls I must shrug my
+shoulders and forgive. After all, it does not matter much who _Fifine_
+really was, nor what happened to her. Suffice it that Mr. BERNARD CAPES
+has conducted her to Arles.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Caddis-Worm_ (HURST AND BLACKETT) is an appropriate enough title
+for Mrs. DAWSON SCOTT'S novel, but I confess to having grown a little
+restive at its appearance on the top of each of 352 pages. "Episodes in
+the Life of Richard and Catharine Blake" is the alternative title, and
+to the average human reader possibly a more significant one. _The
+Caddis-Worm_ is quite in the modern manner, having no plot--or what has
+been contemptuously called "anecdote." I have, however, a more genuine
+grievance against Mrs. DAWSON SCOTT, and it is that she seems inclined
+to be a propagandist without the requisite robustness. A little more
+vigour in her protests against the iniquity of British laws, and her
+theme might have allured me. As it is, the troubles of _Catharine_ with
+her peremptory _Richard_ only made me want, but not very keenly, to take
+and give her a good shaking. Whereas, with a little more encouragement,
+I believe I should have been quite anxious to kick her husband from the
+top to the bottom of several flights of stairs. Drastic methods were
+taken by the author to bring _Richard_ to his senses; in fact, at one
+time he made a sort of corner in disasters. But unless a sanatorium
+exists where patients are treated kindly and firmly for swollen-head I
+do not think that _Richard's_ cure is likely to be permanent. That,
+however, does not affect my view that Mrs. DAWSON SCOTT has given us a
+book which is full of clever writing and fairly shrewd observation.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"It was a wild wet night, though the month of May was well begun."
+Without caring very much about the month of May, I felt on reading these
+introductory words that the story called _My Lady Rosia_ had excellently
+well begun. I am sorry to add, though, that it does not carry on quite
+so bravely as you might expect from such a start. My own suspicion is
+that _Lady Rosia_ is one of many novels that owe their existence to a
+summer holiday. I haven't the slightest knowledge of the facts, and
+still less wish to incur a libel action, but, by my way of imagining it,
+Miss FREDA MARY GROVES found herself one day in the Winchelsea country,
+fell very naturally in love with its jolly old houses, and determined
+there and then to write a story about them. So here it is, with a mildly
+romantic hero, _Bernard_, a heroine in the title _role_ who is as pretty
+and persecuted as heroines should be, a villain (_Lord Segrave_ by
+name--even, you see, in those Black-Princely days peers were a bad lot),
+some conflicts not quite so exciting as they might have been, and the
+rest of the mixture as before. You perhaps catch already my chief ground
+of complaint. Frankly I do not think that Miss GROVES' pen is quite
+sufficiently dashing for this sort of thing. Historical and adventurous
+romance, if it is to earn my vote, must keep me out of breath the whole
+time. It should never be allowed to slacken pace; and (to be entirely
+candid) _My Lady Rosia_ sometimes ambles rather heavily. I forgot to add
+that it is published by WASHBOURNE, printed on detestable paper, and
+contains some pleasant illustrations of the places mentioned in the
+story. In few, the best I can say of it is that it would make a charming
+gift for the young Person (if she still survives) on the occasion, say,
+of a family holiday to Hastings.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _The Optimist (who has just been struck by a passing
+motor-car)._ "GLORY BE! IF THIS ISN'T A PIECE O' LUCK! SURE, 'TIS THE
+DOCTHOR HIMSELF THAT'S IN UT."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The John Bull Breed.
+
+_The South African Farmers' Guide_ pays a pretty compliment to a
+well-known family in describing a typical South Devon bull as the
+"property of Major APTHORP, a magnificent example of this breed."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WANTED.--A Tame Tory who will undertake to write scathing criticisms on
+the policy of his own party. Meals supplied on premises. Sleep in.
+Address, Offices of _Westminster Gazette_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+147, July 22, 1914, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, JULY 22, 191PUNCH, CHARIVARI, JULY 22, 1914 ***
+
+***** This file should be named 24992.txt or 24992.zip *****
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