diff options
Diffstat (limited to '24992-8.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | 24992-8.txt | 2294 |
1 files changed, 2294 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/24992-8.txt b/24992-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..b67fe3a --- /dev/null +++ b/24992-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2294 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 147, +July 22, 1914, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 147, July 22, 1914 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: April 5, 2008 [EBook #24992] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, JULY 22, 191PUNCH, CHARIVARI, JULY 22, 1914 *** + + + + +Produced by Neville Allen, Hagay Giller, Malcolm Farmer +and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at +https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + + PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + + VOL. 147. + + July 22, 1914. + + + + + + CHARIVARIA. + + +Those who deny that Mr. LLOYD GEORGE is ruining land-owners will perhaps +be impressed by the following advertisement in _The Bazaar, Exchange and +Mart_:-- + + "To be sold, small holding, well stocked with fruit trees, good + double tenement house on good road and close to station, good outer + buildings. Price, Four Marks, Alton, Hunts." + +The fact that the price should be translated into German looks +unpleasantly like an attempt to entrap an ignorant foreigner. + + * * * + +Meanwhile it looks as if the Socialist ideal of driving our landed +gentry into the workhouse is already being realised. The Abergavenny +Board of Guardians, we read, has decided to accept an offer by Lord +ABERGAVENNY to purchase the local workhouse for £3,000. + + * * * + +Three of the new peers have now chosen their titles. Sir EDGAR VINCENT +becomes Baron d'ABERNON; Major-General BROCKLEHURST, Baron RANKSBOROUGH, +and Sir EDWARD LYELL, Baron LYELL. Rather lazy of Sir EDWARD. + + * * * + +A lioness which escaped from a circus at Bourg-en-Brasse, France, the +other day, was killed, and a gendarme in the hunting party was shot in +the leg. As the lioness was not armed it is thought that the gendarme +must have been shot by one of the party. + + * * * + +It is frequently said that, if the Suffragettes were to drop their +militant tactics, the suffrage would be granted to-morrow. A Suffragette +now writes to stigmatise this as a hypocritical mis-statement. She +points out that recently the experiment was tried of allowing an entire +day to pass without an outrage, but not a single vote was granted. + + * * * + +Dr. HANS FRIEDENTHAL, a well-known Professor of Berlin University, +declares that, as a result of the higher education, women will in the +near future be totally bald, and will wear patriarchal beards and long +moustaches. They will then, no doubt, get the vote by threatening that, +unless their wishes are granted, they will kiss every man they meet at +sight. + + * * * + +Portsmouth Town Council has carried, by eleven votes to nine, a Labour +amendment refusing to place official guide-books to Pretoria in the +public library unless the nine deportees are allowed to return to South +Africa. General BOTHA could hardly have foreseen this result of his +action, and it will be interesting to see what happens now. + + * * * + + "POISON AFTER A DUCK'S EGG." + + _Evening News._ + +Our cricketers would seem to be getting absurdly sensitive. This is +scarcely the way to brighten the game. + + * * * + +The Guildhall Art Gallery is to be rebuilt. Some of the pictures there +might be at the same time re-painted with advantage. + + * * * + +Apparently the Moody of the Moody-Manners Opera Company is gaining the +upper hand. This Company opened its London season with _The Dance of +Death_. + + * * * + +The appearance in Bond Street last week of a lady leading a little pig +instead of a dog as a pet is being widely discussed in canine circles, +though it has not yet been decided what action, if any, shall be taken. +In view of the fact that so many dogs are pigs it is possible that no +objection will be raised to one pig being a dog. + + * * * + +By the way, _The Daily Chronicle_ was not quite correct when, in +describing the recent "Dog Feast," in which the Shepherds Bush Indians +were alleged to have participated, it used the expression "pow-wow." +Owing to the action of the Canine Defence League a sheep was roasted and +not a pow-wow. + + * * * + +A motor-bus ran into a barber's shop in Gray's Inn Road last week, and +three customers had a close shave. + + * * * + +Some burglars recently blew open with gelignite the safe of a Holborn +jeweller containing £1,000 worth of gems, and, as the jewels are +missing, the police incline to the view that the object of the men must +have been robbery. + + * * * + +Asked by _The Express_ for a suggestion for a motto for the L.C.C., Mr. +H. DE VERE STACPOOLE sent the reply, "My word is sovereign." It is good +to know that this delightful writer can command an even higher rate of +pay than did Mr. RUDYARD KIPLING at the height of his popularity. + + * * * + +_The Daily Herald_ informs us that the Russian monk, RASPUTIN, "started +life as an illiterate peasant." But, we would ask, is there really +anything remarkable in this? We believe that the number of persons who +have been born literate is extremely small. + + * * * + +Says an advertisement in _T.P.'s Weekly_:--"Reader receives +guests--Leigh-on-Sea, facing sea, minute cliffs." It is honourable of +the advertiser to mention the minuteness of the cliffs. This is, we +fear, a characteristic of the Essex coast. + + * * * + +Among "Businesses for Sale" in _The Daily Chronicle_, we come across +what looks like an ugly example of military venality:--"GENERAL for +Sale, taking £16 a week; going cheap." + + * * * + +Finally, we have the pleasure to award first honorary prize in our +Pathetic Advertisement Competition to the following--also from _The +Daily Chronicle_:-- + + "Fish (Fried) and Chips for Sale, owing to wife's illness: only one + in neighbourhood." + +We trust that the advertiser's addiction to monogamy is not confined to +the neighbourhood. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: WE UNDERSTAND THAT, IN VIEW OF THE POPULAR REVIVAL OF +BOXING, DR. STRAUSS HAS BEEN COMMISSIONED TO WRITE A GRAND OPERA ROUND +THE NOBLE ART. THE ABOVE REPRESENTS THE FINALE. + + * * * * * + +OXFORD IN TRANSITION. + +INTERVIEW WITH A FAMOUS PORTER. + +(_BY HAROLD BEGTHWAYT._) + + +Hearing from an undergraduate friend at Cardinal College of the +impending retirement of Mr. Chumbleton ("Old Chum"), the famous porter +of Salisbury Gate, I gladly seized the opportunity of running down to +Oxford to gain some fresh sidelights on the inner life of the +University. Cardinal College, unlike Balliol, Magdalen and New College, +has never shown itself responsive to the new spirit. There are probably +fewer Socialists in Peckover than in any other quad in Oxford. The old +feudal traditions, though somewhat mitigated, still survive. You still +hear the characteristic Mayfair accent and recognise a curious lack of +that Moral Uplift without which, as Sir ROBERTSON NICOLL finely says, a +man is no better than a mummy. And yet I own to having been strangely +attracted by these well-groomed scions of a vanishing breed, with their +finely chiselled features, their clipped colloquialisms and their +cheerful arrogance. There is something engaging as well as pathetic in +these unruffled countenances, blind to the realities of modern life and +the need of that fraternal fellowship which alone can bring peace to the +head that wears a crown or a coronet. + +Mr. Chumbleton, who was just going off duty when I arrived, cordially +invited me into his inner sanctum and offered me a glass of gin and +green Chartreuse, the favourite beverage, he assured me, of the late +Duke of Midhurst, whose scout he had been in the "seventies." Of that +strange and meteoric figure, who was subsequently devoured by a +crocodile on the Blue Nile, Mr. Chumbleton spoke with genuine affection. +"He was something like a Dook," said the old man, "and not one of your +barley-water-drinking faddists. Yes, in those days a Dook was a Dook and +not a cock-shy for demigods [? demagogues]. I can remember," he went on, +"when there were three Dooks in residence at the same time, the Dook of +Midhurst, the Dook of St. Ives and the Dook of Clumber. But the Dook of +Midhurst was the pick of the bunch. Why, once he went into a grocer's +shop in the High and asked for two pounds of treacle. 'How will you have +it?' asked the grocer, who was the baldest-headed man I ever seen. 'In +my hat,' said the Dook, whipping off his bowler and holding it out. As +soon as it was full, before you could say Jack Robinson, he popped it on +the grocer's head and ran out of the shop." + +The old man told this terrible story, which reminded me of the worst +cruelties of the despots of the Italian Renaissance, with a gusto that +was inexpressibly painful. When he had finished I asked whether the Duke +was sent down. "Oh, no, Sir," was the prompt response. "You see the +grocer, being a bald-headed man, had no trouble with the treacle, and, +besides, the Dook he gave him a wig next day. But if anyone was to do +that to-day, Dook or no Dook, there'd be questions asked about it in the +House of Commons, or a Royal Commission would be appointed. Times is +changed," he went on sadly, "and there ain't any more of the old stock +left. Why, the Bullingdon Club got three First Classes this year, and as +for breaking up furniture and bonfires in the quad it don't happen once +in three years. 'Nuts' they call 'em now, but when I was a young scout +they called 'em 'dogs,' and gay dogs they were, I can tell you. 'Bloods' +they call 'em, too, but there ain't much blue blood in these modern +Blutocrats." + +I asked Mr. Chumbleton if there were any signs of Cardinal College being +affected by the new Moral Uplift, but he seemed unable to fathom the +meaning of my query. His standpoint was clearly philistine and, I regret +to say, distinctly pagan. He had never heard of the Land Campaign, or of +Mr. HEMMERDE, Baron DE FOREST or even Mr. HAROLD BEGBIE. His attitude +towards Mr. LLOYD GEORGE was unsympathetic. He deplored the popularity +of motor-bicycles, but, with a strange and lamentable perversity, +welcomed the advent of the motor-'bus while condemning the introduction +of trams. + +I came away more than ever impressed by the tenacity of feudal +traditions, and the need of redoubled efforts on the part of all Radical +stalwarts to convert the older universities from hotbeds of expensive +obscurantism into free nurseries of humanitarian democracy. It was sad +to see such a figure as that of Mr. Chumbleton, genial and hospitable, I +admit, but utterly heedless of the trend of the times, hopelessly +ignorant of the Progressive program, and deriving a senile satisfaction +from memories of a barbarous and brutal past. + + * * * * * + +Painting the Lily. + + "White duck trousers in a snow-white grey material."--_Advt. in + "Daily Province" (Vancouver)._ + + * * * * * + +From _The Daily Mirror's_ account of the SMITH-CARPENTIER fight:-- + + "One French girl was so excited that she bit a large hope in her + fan." + +Not a _white_ hope, we trust. + + * * * * * + +THE SINECURE. + + [In _The Daily Mail's_ list of Situations Vacant, such as + Housemaids (Hmds), Between-maids (Bmds), Working Housekeepers + (Wkghkprs) and Cook Generals (Ckgns), appears the + following:--"Young Lady wanted for cinema acting. Fullest + particulars to Box No. --."] + + Said she, "_The Daily Mail_ ensures + Immediate supply. + Whose situation's vacant? Yours. + Who's going to fill it? I. + + "If you shall ask me, can I act? + I readily retort, + I'm just the Star you want; in fact + The strong and silent sort. + + "The sooner you reveal the plot + The sooner I begin. + In me, I beg to state, you've got + The perfect Heroine." + + Said they--"De Vere's a villain who + For reasons not disclosed + Desires to make an end of you ..." + ("The cad!" she interposed). + + "... He ties you to a railway line + That so the Leeds express + May execute his fell design + With speed and thoroughness. + + "But Herbert's heroism's such, + He swears this shall not be. + You see, he loves you very much ..." + ("I guessed he would," said she). + + "... He hires a rapid motor car, + He also buys a map; + He knows how fast expresses are, + And notes the handicap. + + "But, as he is a man of parts + And born to play the game, + Without delay the hero starts ..." + We'd better do the same. + + They chose a quiet neighbourhood, + A lonely piece of track; + They trusted that the metals would + Not incommode her back. + + "This is De Vere," they said, "whose hand + Will tie you firmly down. + Meanwhile your Herb, we understand, + Is on his way from town. + + "We do not, though one can't be sure. + Anticipate the worst; + Expresses may be premature; + Still, Herbert _should_ be first. + + "Such realism must excite + The audience (and you) ... + If you are ready we are quite; + Your train will soon be due." + + * * * + + She formed a resolution, viz., + To put no trust in men, + But hire herself to mistresses, + A whole, if humble, ckgn. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: AT DURAZZO-SUPER-MARE. + +MPRET. "I DON'T FEEL AT ALL COMFORTABLE HERE. ISN'T IT ABOUT TIME YOU +TOOK ME OUT OF THIS?" + +EUROPA (_sleepily_). "MPRAPS" + + * * * * * + +Illustration: "LOOK, ETHEL, LOOK--THERE GOES SIR BEERBOHM ALEXANDER!" + +"SO IT IS; BUT HOW UNLIKE!" + + * * * * * + +ONCE UPON A TIME. + +TRANSMIGRATION. + + +Once upon a time there was an ostrich who, though very ostrichy, was +even more of an egoist. He thought only of himself. That is not a foible +peculiar to ostriches, but this particular fowl--and he was very +particular--was notable for it. "Where do I come in?" was a question +written all over him--from his ridiculous and inadequate head, down his +long neck, on his plump fluffy body, and so to his exceedingly flat and +over-sized feet. + +It was in Afric's burning sand--to be precise, at the Cape--that, on the +approach of danger, the ostrich secreted his self-centred head, and here +from time to time his plumes were plucked from him for purposes of +trade. + +Now it happened that in London there was a theatre given up to a season +of foreign opera, and, this theatre having been built by one of those +gifted geniuses so common among theatre architects, it followed that the +balcony (into which, of course, neither the architect nor the manager +for whom it was built had ever strayed) contained a number of seats from +which no view of the stage was visible at all--unless one stood up, and +then the people behind were deprived of their view. This, of course, +means nothing to architects or managers. The thought that jolly +anticipatory parties of simple folk bent upon a happy evening may be +depressed and dashed by a position suffering from such disabilities +could not concern architects and managers, for some imagination would be +needed to understand it. + +The new temporary management, however (whatever the ordinary management +might do), recognising the rights of the spectator, refrained from +selling any seats from which no view whatever could be obtained and +behaved very well about it--as perhaps one has to do when half-a-guinea +is charged for each seat; but with the border-line seats which they did +sell--those on the confines of the possible area--a view of the stage +was only partial and so much a matter of touch-and-go that any undue +craning of the neck or moving of the head sideways at once interrupted +the line of vision of many worthy folk at the back; while anyone leaning +too far forward from a seat in the front row could instantly, for many +others, obliterate the whole stage. + +It happened that on a certain very hot night in July a fat lady in one +of the front seats not only leaned forward but fanned herself +intermittently with a large fan. + +Now and then one of the unfortunate half-guinea seat-holders behind her +in the debatable territory remonstrated gently and politely, remarking +on the privation her fan was causing to others, and each time the lady +smiled and said she was very sorry and put the fan down; but in two +minutes she was fluttering it again as hard as ever, and not a vestige +of the Pentateuchal caperings or whatever was going forward could be +discerned in her vicinity. + +She meant well, poor lady; but it was very hot, and how could she help +it when her fan was made of that particular ostrich's feathers? + + * * * * * + + "Methods of sowing, reaping, watering, and thrashing have been + passed down from father to son through countless generations." + + _Chronicle of London Missionary Society._ + +Of thrashing, anyhow. + + * * * * * + + "The feature of the Keswick valley is its spacious width of + skyscrape."--_L.& N.W.R. Guide to the English Lakes._ + +In this respect New York is its only serious rival. + + * * * * * + +MY TROUSSEAU. + + +Having been a bachelor from my earliest youth I suppose I ought to be +accustomed to the condition; but the fact remains that I miss +something--something which only a wedding supplies. + +Curiously enough this want is not a wife. I have been without one so +long that I should not know what to do with her if I had one. I should +probably overlook her, and she would become atrophied or die of neglect +or thirst. Neither do I crave a home of my own; nor golden-haired +children to climb up my knee. I can do without these accessories. + +But what I do hunger for and what I _will_ have is a trousseau. Why the +acquisition of a trousseau should be a purely feminine prerogative I +have never been able to understand. A bride without a trousseau is +generally regarded as an incomplete thing--a poached-egg without toast; +a salad without dressing. But the bridegroom without a trousseau is a +recognised institution. True, he has new clothes, both seen and unseen, +but this is not a trousseau; it is merely a "replenishment of his +wardrobe." His least disreputable old things are "made to do"; and +nobody thinks slightingly of him if he attends his wedding in a +re-cuffed shirt or in boots that have been re-soled. A girl, however, +would as soon think of entering Paradise with a second-hand halo as she +would contemplate being married in anything that was not aggressively +new. + +Thus it is that before my wish can be consummated I have two honoured +conventions to defy: that only a girl may possess a trousseau, and that +a marriage is a necessary condition to the acquiring of it. Fortunately +I am strong-minded. A long course of Mrs. HUMPHRY WARD'S homilies has +given me no little facility in achieving this attribute, and I am +determined that I will change neither my sex nor my status. + +Now, I have prepared a list, just as--I suppose--every girl does. In the +first place I am going to indulge in the hitherto undreamt-of luxury of +a surfeit of dress-shirts. No one who has not experienced life on two +dress-shirts--one in wear, the other in the wash--can quite understand +what this will mean to me. Men like Sir JOSEPH BEECHAM, Mr. +MALLABY-DEELEY, Mr. SOLLY JOEL, Lord HOWARD DE WALDEN, and others, who, +I daresay, have four or even five, cannot know what it is to feel that +their evening's refreshment and entertainment depend on their finding +the French chalk or the india-rubber. + +Therefore I am making no stint in this matter. I am having fifteen +dress-shirts, so that there may be one for wear each day in the week, +seven in the laundry, and one over for emergencies--like _Parsifal_, +that begins in the middle of the afternoon. I mean to be similarly +lavish in the matter of collars and handkerchiefs. The number of the +former which I am buying amounts almost to an epidemic; while the extent +of my commission in the latter is the result of lessons learnt in the +hard school of experience. I say unhesitatingly that the man who tries +to get through life on a mere dozen handkerchiefs is simply begging +for disaster, as, however methodical in their use he may be, a +carelessly-caught cold may any day upset his reckoning and leave him at +a loose end; sometimes scarcely that. Hence I am doing this part of my +trousseau in princely fashion. I am having half a gross of them. + +Then there is my slumber-wear. For years I have hungered for silk ones, +but have had no conscientious excuse for appeasing my appetite. To buy +silk pyjamas in cold blood has hitherto seemed to me to be sheer cynical +extravagance; but now I feel that circumstances justify me in my action, +for it would be a very sorry thing for me to encounter a burglar or cope +with a fire clad in apparel that would not be up to the standard of the +rest of my wardrobe. + +Now, I am a great believer in dressing for the spirit of the moment; +therefore I have resolved upon a pretty colour-scheme for my night-wear. +My pyjamas are to be of tints conducive to refreshing rest, namely and +severally white, lemon, light pink, and pale green--an idea which I +candidly confess was inspired by the spectacle of a Neapolitan ice. If +you think that this is merely an idle whim, just imagine endeavouring to +sleep in pyjamas patterned like an Axminster carpet or a Scotch tartan. +No wonder _Macbeth_ "murdered sleep" if he was arrayed in garments of +his club-colours! + +I have brought the same æsthetic sense to bear upon my choice of ties +and socks: greys and blacks for times of grave political crises; fawn, +buff, pearl, moose--I am not sure that this is a colour, but it sounds +quite possible--for brighter hours; and colours familiar to every +student of spectroscopy for halcyon days of rejoicing--the opening of +the Royal Academy, the Handel Festival, the return of HARRY LAUDER, or +the elevation of Mr. BERNARD SHAW to the peerage. + +As for externals, suffice it to say that they will be _en suite_, and +that I intend to introduce just a little touch of originality into my +trousers. I am going to have them made with spats sewn to the leg-ends +in order to save time and trouble in dressing. + +In short, I have forgotten nothing, except spare studs, and I think it +is quite likely that I shall remember them too in course of time. I have +even gone so far as to fix a day for a dress rehearsal. But first I +shall invite my friends, as is the way with brides-elect, to a private +view of my trousseau, when they shall see all of it spread upon the +coverlet of my bed, over the backs of my chairs, or hanging in serried +ranks in my wardrobe. + +And now nothing more remains to be done but to raise the necessary +funds, and with this object in view I have instructed my broker to draw +my money out of the Savings Bank. I am expecting a postal-order almost +any moment. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _Yokel._ "'OW FAST CAN SHE TRAVEL, MASTER?" + +_Owner._ "FIFTY MILES AN HOUR, MY MAN--EVEN SIXTY IF I CARE TO PUSH +HER." + +_Yokel._ "AN' 'OW MANY IF YE BOTH SHOVE?" + + * * * * * + + "'Anna virumque cano' was the burden of the charge the Chief + Secretary had to meet, and it sorely embarrassed the dear + gentleman."--_Liverpool Courier._ + +Who is "ANNA"? We hope Mr. BIRRELL is not mixed up in a scandal. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: AN IMPALPABLE FLAME. + +_Claude._ "WHAT ARE YOU WAITIN' HERE FOR, OLD THING?" + +_Cuthbert._ "TO GIVE THESE FLOWERS AND CHOCOLATES TO THAT STUNNING +LITTLE GIRL IN 'THE DEATH KISS OF DEADMAN'S GULCH.'" + + * * * * * + +THE AWAKENING + +(_A Little Romance of the Restaurant-Car_). + + + Is there a sight so soothing to the brain + As England's outlines green and softly curved, + Visions of wooded slope and fertile plain + Seen by the traveller in a dining-train, + No doubts to vex him and no talk to strain, + His seat, his chance companion, both reserved? + + I think not. Yet the rather stoutish man + Who never raised his head but chewed and chewed + Annoyed me as I feasted. I began + To deem him one who had no higher plan, + No larger outlook in life's journeyings, than + Resonant demolition of his food. + + I longed to point to him the hedges twined + With starry blossoms, and the coats like silk + Of oxen as they wandered unconfined; + I longed to ask him if his heavier mind + Preferred the cattle of more stedfast kind + Stamped with advertisements of malted milk. + + The little red-brick hamlets, poised apart, + And all the grandeur of the rolling leas, + I longed to ask him if they brought no smart + Of scarce-remembered boyhood to his heart. + But I refrained; and he took cherry tart + And after that two different kinds of cheese. + + And then we neared a little market town + Half hidden in the dale, that seemed to cling + Fondly about a church of old renown; + And here the fat man started and looked down + And filled his tumbler to the foaming crown + And held it high as if to pledge the KING. + + Some memory seemed to stir within his breast + As though the curtain of old days were torn, + And, as he drained the glass with eager zest, + "Behold," I thought, "I wronged him. In that nest, + So far from turmoil, full of old-world rest + (He is about to tell me), he was born. + + "And now, before the antique spire hath fled, + Because remembrance of his home is dear, + He toasts it deeply." All my wrath was dead. + Then the man smiled at me and wagged his head; + "Junction for Little Barleythorpe," he said; + "A week ago these points upset my beer." + + EVOE. + + * * * * * + +AN UNPLAYED MASTERPIECE. + + +[The growing popularity of the one-Act play has prompted the aphorism +that what is required in this class of drama is a "maximum of action +with a minimum of explanation." Nevertheless the following effort has +been rejected by every Manager in London--a fact which decisively +answers the oft-repeated question, "Do Managers read plays?"] + +SCENE--_A luxuriously furnished room in the flat of_ Violet Hazelwood. +Violet _is seated, writing. The telephone on the table rings noisily._ + +_Violet_ (_picking up the receiver_). Hello! Yes.... It's me.... Oh, +it's Reggie.... Yes, I'm at home to you.... In three minutes?... Right, +I shall be here. (_Hangs up receiver._) + +_Maid_ (_entering suddenly_). Sir Frank Bulkeley, m'm. (_Goes out and_ +Sir Frank _enters._) + +_Sir Frank._ My dear Violet---- (_A report is heard and a splintering of +glass._) Confound it all, I'm shot! (_Falls on floor._) + +_Violet._ Yes, he certainly appears to be shot. I'd better go and see +the police about it. (_Goes out._) + +_Reggie Fortescue_ (_entering precipitately_). Violet.... (_Looking +round in perplexity_). Not here! She said she would be here.... She is +false to me. False! I have nothing left to live for. (_Takes out a +revolver, shoots himself and falls on the floor._) + +_Gerald Maristowe_ (_entering cautiously through the window and carrying +a rifle_). This is a devil of a risky business, this rifle practice, but +Ulster must be saved somehow. I see I've broken the window. Wonder if +I've done any other damage. (_Sees_ Sir Frank.) Gee! I've killed a man! +(_Sees_ Reggie.) Oh, glory! I've killed two of 'em! Reggie, too, by all +that's rum! I say, you know, that's pretty useful shooting.... Still, it +probably means hanging, and I'm--er--hanged if I'll be hanged. Let me +rather die by my own hand. (_Discharges rifle at himself, and falls on +floor._) + +_Violet_ (_re-entering with an Inspector and a Constable_). There he is, +Inspector. (_Sees_ Gerald.) My goodness, there seem to be two now! I +feel sure.... (_Sees_ Reggie.) _Three!_ Really, Inspector, I feel almost +certain that when I left.... Oh, it's Reggie! My heart is broken! +(_Faints._) + +_Inspector._ Stand back, Clarkson; this job requires thought. (_Takes up +telephone receiver._) Circus 20634, Miss.... That you Doc.? Come round +at once, please.... Two or three men shot.... Right.... (_Hangs up +receiver._) Clarkson, measure the exact distance between each corpse and +the window. (Clarkson _proceeds to do so._ _Enter_ Doctor.) Ah, Doc., +that's the little job I mentioned. + +_Doctor_ (_kneeling by_ Violet). This one isn't shot; she's only +fainted. She'll be all right in a minute. (_Examines_ Gerald.) Nor is +this one. _He_'ll be all right in a minute. (_Examines_ Reggie.) Nor is +this one. _He_'ll be all right in a minute. (_Examines_ Sir Frank.) This +one is, though. Dead as a door-nail. (Violet, Reggie _and_ Gerald _rise +simultaneously to their feet._) There you are! I told you so. + +_Gerald_ (_aside_). Missed! + +_Reggie_ (_aside_). Missed! (_Aloud_) Violet, I love you! + +_Violet._ I'm _so_ glad, because I love you. + +_Reggie_ (_confidentially_). Do you know, I really thought I was dead. +Hello, Gerald, old son, what are you doing here? + +_Gerald._ Oh, I thought I'd sort of look in, you know. + +_Inspector._ Violet Hazelwood, I arrest you for the murder of Sir Frank +Bulkeley, Bart., and I warn you that anything you may say will be used +in evidence against you. Clarkson, stop playing with that tape and +handcuff the prisoner. (Clarkson _does so._) + +_Gerald_ (_aside_). Good business! That saves _my_ neck. + +_Violet._ But, my dear good soul.... However, I suppose it's no use to +say anything. Reggie, I can never marry you now. + +_Reggie._ You couldn't in any case, my dear, because I haven't got any +money. + +_Violet._ You forget that you are sole heir to Sir Frank there, who had +fourteen thousand a year. _I_ thought of that at once. + +_Reggie._ Columbus! So I am. Well, that _is_ a dashed nuisance. + +_Gerald_ (_coming forward nobly_). My dear, dear friends, I cannot allow +your happiness to be wrecked in this way. I killed Sir Frank! You can be +married now. + +_Reggie._ Good egg! (_Embraces_ Violet.) + +_Inspector._ Gerald Maristowe, I arrest you for the murder of Sir Frank +Bulkeley, Bart., and I warn you that anything you may say will be used +in evidence against you. + +_Violet._ Oh, we must save him. What can we do? + +_Clarkson._ Lady, do you remember years ago giving sixpence to a +starving boy in Peckham Rye? + +_Violet._ Yes. + +_Clarkson._ _I_ am--that is, _was_--that boy. I will save your friend. +Inspector, you know that a reward of £10,000 is offered for the capture +of the anarchist Mazzio? + +_Inspector._ Yes. I wish to heaven I could lay my hands on him. + +_Clarkson._ I can tell you how to do so. + +_Inspector._ How? + +_Clarkson_ (_dramatically tearing off his wig and false moustache_). I +am Mazzio! (_Turning to_ Gerald _and the others_) I shall struggle +violently. While he is engaged in arresting me, you can make good your +escape. + +_Inspector._ Ha! Do you think I can be so easily baffled? (_Picking up +telephone receiver._) There are other police in the neighbourhood. + +_Violet._ Not so. (_Slashes through the telephone cord with a knife_). + +_Gerald._ Bravo! + +_Inspector._ Oh, well, never mind. (_Puts his head out of the window and +blows a police whistle. The others look at one another in +consternation._) _Now_ I think I am master of the situation. + +_Clarkson._ Foiled! All the same, you are less fortunate than you +imagine. When I said I was Mazzio, I lied. + +_Inspector._ Prove it. + +_Clarkson._ Easily. Mazzio has a scar on his left forearm. (_Rolling up +sleeve._) I have none. + +_Inspector._ Oh, well, never mind. I can now proceed with the arrest of +the murderer of Sir Frank Bulkeley, Bart. + +_Gerald_ (_aside_). I'm done for! + +_Clarkson._ There _must_ be some way of escape. Doc., it's up to you to +do something. + +_Doctor._ With pleasure. I certify that Sir Frank died from heart +disease. + +_Inspector_ (_stammering_). But--but--but he's _obviously_ shot. I mean +to say---- + +_Doctor._ I certify that Sir Frank Bulkeley died from heart disease ten +seconds before the bullet struck him. You can do nothing in the face of +my certificate. + +_Gerald, Reggie and Violet._ Saved! + +CURTAIN. + + * * * * * + +This Wonderful World. + + "A Hamburg bookkeeper named Schute who has just celebrated his 8th + birthday, has been with his employers for sixty years, while his + son, his grandson, and his great-grandson are also working for + them." + + _The Evening News._ + + * * * * * + + "During the last two years some marvellous 'finds' have been made + at this wonderful fortress from time to time. It is intended to + continue excavation work for a moth." + + _Denbighshire Free Press._ + +They can be caught much better with beer and treacle. + + * * * * * + +"LIBERAL MEMBER RESIGNS. + +WILL STAND AS INDEPENDENT. + + London, Wednesday.--Mr. Joseph Martin, Liberal M.P. for East St. + Pancras, is resigning his seat, and will recontest it as an + independent South Pole under American auspices."--_Sydney Daily + Telegraph._ + +Sir ERNEST SHACKLETON must look out. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _First Caddie._ "DOES IT MAKE YER DIZZY LOOKIN' DOWN +THESE 'OLES?" + +_Second Caddie._ "No." + +_First Caddie._ "THEN WHY DON'T YOU GO TO THE PIN SOMETIMES?" + + * * * * * + +THE FIRST TEE. + +(_Mullion, July 17th._) + + + It is the place, it is the place, my soul! + (Blow, bugle, blow; sing, triangle; toot, fife!) + Down to the sea the close-cropped pastures roll, + Couches behind yon sandy hill the goal + Whereat, it may be, after ceaseless strife + The "Colonel" shall find peace, and Henry say, "Your hole" ... + + Caddie, give me my driver, caddie, + The sun shines hot, but there's half a breeze, + Enough to rustle the tree-tops, laddie, + Only supposing there were some trees; + The year's at the full and the morn's at eleven, + It's a wonderful day just straight from Heaven, + And this is a hole I can do in seven-- + Caddie, my driver, please. + + Three times a day from now till Monday week + (Ten peerless days in all) I take my stand + Vestured in some _dégagé_ mode of breek + (The chess-board touch, with squares that almost speak), + And lightly sketch my Slice into the Sand, + As based on bigger men, but much of it unique ... + + Caddie, give me my driver, caddie, + Note my style on the first few tees; + DUNCAN fashioned my wrist-work, laddie, + TAYLOR taught me to twist my knees; + I've a beautiful swing that I learnt from VARDON + (I practise it sometimes down the garden-- + "My fault! Sorry! I _beg_ your pardon!")-- + Caddie, my driver, please. + + Only ten little days, in which to do + So much! _E.g._, the twelfth: ah it was there + The Secretary met his Waterloo, + But perished gamely, playing twenty-two; + His clubs (_ten little days!_) lie bleaching where + Sea-poppies blow (_ten days!_) and wheeling sea-birds mew ... + + Caddie, give me my driver, caddie, + Let us away with thoughts like these; + A week and a-half is a lifetime, laddie, + The day that's here is the day to seize; + _Carpe diem_--yes, that's the motto, + "Work be jiggered!" and likewise "What ho!" + I'M NOT GOING BACK TILL I'VE JOLLY WELL GOT TO! + Caddie, my driver, please. + + A. A. M. + + * * * * * + + + "The 'Gunboat' and his manager, Mr. Buckley, lounged out on the + beautiful old English lawn among the rose bushes and drank in the + sunshine."--_Daily Mirror._ + +What offers from brewers, distillers, etc., to name the particular +beverage which they drank in the sunshine? + + * * * * * + + "Sir James Key Caird, the millionaire duke manufacturer of + Dundee."--_Montreal Gazette._ + +His yearly output is singularly small. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: THE SEX'S PROGRESS. + +From "WOMEN AT PRIZE-FIGHTS" TO "WOMEN IN THE RING" SHOULD BE AN EASY +STEP IN THE UPWARD MOVEMENT. + + * * * * * + +THE PUNCHER'S GRIEVANCE. + + +"You journalist chaps just spoil us," said Puncher Pete, when I called +upon him yesterday at his training camp. "You draw us into conversation, +stick down our remarks in your note-books, and then make us out to be +the biggest boasters on the face of the earth. It's not right. + +"For instance, you've got it on the tip of your tongue to ask me if I +think I'll lick Jimmy Battle next Thursday. Well, of course I'll lick +him. Jimmy's a good boy, but he can't stay, and then _he_ hasn't gone +twenty rounds with three blacks, as I have. But what's my opinion matter +to you? Why make me shout it out like a cock on a steeple? + +"Yes, I shall beat Jimmy. Six rounds will cure him. All right. Very well +then. Leave it at that. + +"One of your fellows called upon me two days ago. 'Pete,' he said, 'they +say you're ill.' 'You tell 'em to mind their own ills,' I gave him back. +Ill, indeed! If I were ill could I walk my forty miles a day and think +nothing of it? Could I lift Harry Blokes there with one hand and hold +him above my head? D'you suppose a sick man could do _this_?" + +The Puncher seized a skipping-rope and did marvellous things with it. +Then he smashed lustily at a punch-ball, left, right, left, right, duck, +bing! "Here, Harry!" he cried. His sparring partner approached, bruised +but beaming. The Puncher knocked him down. + +"I seem ill, don't I?" said Pete, turning to me. "But what's it got to +do with all you chaps, anyway? Wait till Thursday. Then you'll find out +whether I'm ill or not. And even if I was ill Jimmy couldn't do it. +Jimmy's got as good a punch as the next man, I'll say that for him. If +he gets it in it would fell an ox. But can he get it in? Not next +Thursday. + +"Now, see here, you're not going to draw any words from me about the +coming fight. You may draw others. I refuse. Let's get right off this +fight and on to other things. + +"After all, fighters are modest chaps. When I knocked Torpedo Troop out +in three rounds last April for a purse of £5,000 and the Championship of +Nova Scotia I didn't go bragging. I might have said that this was the +first time that the Torpedo had ever had his eyes closed. Well, I +didn't. What's more, I never shall. Tell your reader that! + +"Take my victory over Quartermain, again. Or over Dinghy Abbs, who was +down and out in the second round in spite of all the fuss that was made +about him beforehand. I was a sick man at both these fights. Not a soul +knew it, mind you. My wife--for I'm as fond of home life as any ordinary +man, and we have a little baby--my wife used to worry terribly. She'd +expect me to come home on a stretcher. But I never happened to choose +that conveyance, and she don't fret any more. + +"Will it be a stretcher on Thursday? I can see you want to put that +question, but I'll ask you to excuse me. Next Thursday, as I've already +hinted, will tell its own story, and when I say that the tale will have +a happy ending for one of us who isn't too far from your ear to boast +about it if he was inclined that way, perhaps you'll guess without my +telling you what I mean. + +"Not at all, Sir. Don't mention it. I'm always glad to have a friendly +chat with anyone, and I hope you'll forgive me for refusing to talk +shop." + + * * * * * + +Illustration: A RESORT TO THE OBVIOUS. + +MR. PUNCH. "PERMIT ME, GENTLEMEN--I DON'T THINK YOU KNOW ONE ANOTHER: +SIR EDWARD CARSON--MR. REDMOND. IT'S MORE THAN TIME YOU MET." + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +(EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.) + + +_House of Lords, Monday, July 13._--CAMPERDOWN, like HABAKKUK, is +_capable de tout_. Can do (is at least ready to undertake) anything. +Like Lord JOHN RUSSELL, he would at an hour's notice take charge of the +British fleet, whether in Home waters or on Foreign stations. Confesses +with pathetic modesty that there are two things beyond his capacity. One +is to find a needle in a pottle of hay; the other, to discover a teller +in Division Lobby when no one proposes to tell. + +To-night this last dilemma faced noble earl. Home Rule Amendment Bill +before House in Report stage. MACDONELL moved amendment introducing +principle of proportional representation. After long debate Question put +from Woolsack. There being a few cries of "Not content!" House cleared +for division. + +Hereupon strange thing happened. Whilst majority of peers streamed into +Content Lobby discovery was made that not only were there no tellers for +the Not-Contents but no Not-Contents for the tellers. Fortunately +CAMPERDOWN on the spot. Instantly took charge of the affair. According +to his own narrative, which thrilled the listening Senate, he had gone +into Division Lobby, "where," he added, "I stayed a long time." + +Began to realise something of the feeling of the boy who stood on the +burning deck whence all but he had fled. CAMPERDOWN essentially a man +of action. No use mooning round deserted Lobby wondering where +everybody was. + +"I tried," he protested, "to find a teller for the Not-Contents, which I +was not able to do. There were no Not-Contents in the Not-Contents' +Lobby and there were no tellers. I do not know," he added, turning his +head with enquiring pose, like _Mr. Pecksniff_ asking his pupil _Martin +Chuzzlewit_ to take compass, pencil and paper, and "give me your idea of +a wooden leg," "whether any of your lordships have seen an occurrence +like this before. I have not." + +Illustration: The shade of MASTERMAN recalls happy memories to the +inconsolable WORTHINGTON EVANS. + +Murmur of sympathy ran round perturbed benches. Dilemma awful, +unprecedented, irretrievable. But everyone felt that CAMPERDOWN had done +his duty, and that if he had failed to find Not-Contents in an empty +Lobby no one else could have found them. + +_Business done._--In House of Commons PREMIER announced winding-up of +business at earliest possible moment with intent to meet again in "early +winter" for new Session. No Autumn Session, you'll observe. Feeling +against it so strong that insistence might have broken bonds that link +faithful Ministerialists with their esteemed Leader. Accordingly +prorogation about usual time in August, and new Session, instead of +opening in February, will date from November. When we come to think of +it, seems to amount to much the same thing as Autumn Session, which +usually begins in mid-October. That an illusion. There will be no Autumn +Session. Only we shall all be back at Westminster again in drear +November. + +Illustration: "He did not want these adaptations of a German system, +which the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER seemed to have chosen."--_Lord +HUGH CECIL._ + +_House of Commons, Tuesday._ + +Like RACHEL weeping for her children, the Opposition will not be +comforted in respect of the continued absence of CHANCELLOR of the +Duchy. 'Tis a touching trait, illustrating the high level of human +nature the Commons reach. Had it been MASTERMAN'S political friends who +mourned his absence, recognising in it cause of insecurity for the +Empire, situation would be natural and comprehensible. It is from the +so-labelled enemy's camp that lamentation is sounded. WORTHINGTON EVANS, +MASTERMAN'S severest censor whilst he still sat on Treasury Bench in +charge of Insurance Act, is in especial degree inconsolable. Physically +and intellectually reduced to a pulp--using the word of course in +Parliamentary sense. + +As he is too unnerved to dwell upon subject, BARNSTON and HAYES FISHER +to-day take it up. Want to know how long a state of things most painful +on their side of the House is to continue? PREMIER makes light reply. +Points out that it's no new thing for a Minister to fail to find a seat, +the globe meanwhile serenely revolving on its axis. In 1885 and in 1892 +the Duchy was unrepresented on the Treasury Bench. + +A more striking case, overlooked by PREMIER, of a Minister long +struggling with adversity at the poll finding the door of House of +Commons bolted and barred is familiar to Lord HALSBURY. Appointed +Solicitor-General in 1875 HARDINGE GIFFARD did not take his seat till +the Session of 1877. Crushed at Cardiff, left in the lurch at +Launceston, hustled at Horsham, named as a probable starter at every +election race in the three kingdoms taking place within a period of +eighteen months, he persuaded the blushing borough of Launceston, on a +second wooing, to yield to his advances. + +Oddly enough, when at last he came to the Table to take the oath, he +found he had mislaid the return to the writ, production of which is +indispensable preliminary. Was nearly turned back, a calamity averted by +discovery of the document in his hat on a bench under the Gallery where +he had awaited SPEAKER'S summons to the Table. + +But precedents are nothing when the bosom is deeply stirred. + +"Can't the CHANCELLOR of the Duchy make an effort to secure a seat?" +BARNSTON asked in tremulous voice. + +"He has made two already," retorted the practical PREMIER. + +Then came along WATT, with cryptic inquiry breaking silence that brooded +over Ministerial benches. + +"Has the time not arrived," he asked, "to jettison JONAH, in view of the +fact that nobody seems willing to swallow him but the whale?" + +House left thinking the matter over. + +_Business done._--House of Lords passed Third Reading of transformed +Home Rule Amendment Bill. In the Commons Budget Bill again dealt with in +Committee. Sharp strictures from both sides. But Ministerialists who had +come to criticise remained to vote in its favour. Majority accordingly +maintained at normal level. + +_Wednesday._--SON AUSTEN, who little more than a fortnight ago left the +House Member for East Worcester, returned to-day representing the +division of Birmingham where his father sat impregnably throned for +uninterrupted period of twenty-nine years. As he walked up to Table to +take the oath and sign afresh the roll of Parliament, was hailed by +hearty burst of general cheering. + +This rare. Common enough for one or other political party to welcome +recruit to its ranks. On such occasions, the other side sit silent, save +when especial circumstances elicit responsive bout of ironical cheering. +To-day's demonstration afforded striking recognition of genuine merit +modestly displayed. + +Ever a difficult thing for young Member to be son of distinguished +father also seated in the House. Position to be sustained only by +exercise of qualities of mind and manner rarely combined. Whilst his +father yet enthralled attention and admiration of House by supreme +capacity SON AUSTEN successfully faced the ordeal. After DON JOSÉ'S +withdrawal from the scene his son's advance to a leading place in the +councils of his party and the estimation of the House was rapid. Within +limits of present Session he has shown increased power as a debater, +promising attainment of still loftier heights. Ever courteous in manner, +untainted by the "new style" deplored by PREMIER, he, though an +uncompromising party man, has made no personal enemies among any section +of his political opponents. + +_Business done._--House of Lords threw out Plural Voters Bill on second +time of asking. Commons still in Committee on Budget. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: A REVOLTING TASK. + +THE WAITER'S EARLY-MORNING JOB. + + * * * * * + + "Hearne and Mead, the not-outs of Monday, were separated at 80, + their partnership having yielded 441 in forty-five minutes." + + _Daily Mail._ + +The spectators, we suppose, could stand the strain no longer. + + * * * * * + +DIPLOMACY. + + +(_Yawning, though rude, is, according to the doctors, an extremely +healthy exercise._) + + I have a friend who wrote a book + And begged me to peruse it, + And bluntly state the view I took-- + Encourage or abuse it. + I want, he said, the truth alone, + But said it in a hopeful tone. + + Perceiving there was no escape, + With Chapter I. I led off; + Page 2 provoked my earliest gape, + At 3 I yawned my head off, + At 4 I cast the thing away + Unto some dim and distant day. + + For weeks I racked my harassed brain + For something kind and ruthful, + To spare his feelings and remain + Comparatively truthful + (I'm very often troubled by + My inability to lie). + + "Dear Charles," I wrote him in the end, + "I fear no contradiction + When I declare that you have penned + A healthy work of fiction. + I am, I candidly admit, + A sounder man through reading it." + + * * * * * + + "Captain Turner only got a single + when J. W. Hearne bowled him, and + lunch was taken. + + ESSEX. + F. L. Fane c. Hendren b. Kidd 57 + Russell run out 51 + Major Turner b. J. W. Hearne 1" + +Probably the Major got his step during lunch; and it was no doubt richly +deserved, though not on account of the score he had made in the morning +as a Captain. + + * * * * * + + "John Charles Edmund Carson were the names which Lord Gillford, the + infant heir of Lord and Lady Clanwilliam, received yesterday + afternoon." + + _Daily Mail._ + +If only this were a misprint for John Charles Redmond Carson. + + * * * * * + + "The anniversary of the Cattle of the Boyne was celebrated with + unusual enthusiasm throughout Canada." + + _"Times" Toronto Correspondent._ + +These were the original Irish bulls, we suppose. + + * * * * * + + "Plant strawberry runners with grouse on Aug. 12th."--_R.H.S. + Gardener's Diary._ + + "Plant daffodils between grouse and partridges."--_R.H.S. + Gardener's Diary._ + +The daffodils should make good cover, but the runners will stand no +chance against the Cockney sportsman. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: THE OLD, OLD PROBLEM. + +IS THE BATSMAN OUT OR NOT? + + * * * * * + +EXERCISE 1. + + +I must confess that at one time I had little regard for collectors of +cigarette cards; it seemed a feeble pursuit, though perhaps I should add +I am of a somewhat intellectual nature. + +Some little time ago, however, I happened to glance at one of these +cards and was surprised to see a picture of a gentleman attired in white +flannels and a vest of white, decorated with red embroidery. He was +grasping a towel in both hands and appeared to have two or three sets of +arms. The label said, "Scarf or Towel Exercises 4." A perusal of the +instructions on the back of the card made everything clear. + +Ten minutes later I entered the shop of an athletic outfitter. +Unfortunately he had no white vests with red edges: I had to purchase +one with blue. A scarf or towel I could find at home. + +Then I entered a tobacconist's. + +Four days later I had collected Scarf or Towel Exercises 2 and 3. + +"We can," I said, "now make a start." As a matter of fact it was not +altogether a foolish proceeding. Deep thinkers are apt to overlook the +need for physical culture. This error I decided to remedy. + +Every morning I (1) stood in position illustrated, (2) raised arms above +head in manner indicated by the instructions, (3) straightened right arm +and lowered right hand so that towel (_still taut_) sloped to right, (4) +returned to Position 1. I then changed towel for scarf (my own idea) and +continued with Exercises 3 and 4. + +I was very happy; my only worry was the absence of Scarf or Towel +Exercises 1. + +Every morning I called at the tobacconist's and purchased packets of +cigarettes, eagerly searching them for the missing card. Every afternoon +I called again. + +For a week I bore my disappointment bravely; then I became cynical. + +"Perhaps," I said, "there is no Exercise 1. It may be a joke on the part +of the makers." + +My consumption of cigarettes increased. Packet followed packet with +extraordinary rapidity, and still no Exercise 1. + +I began to get worried. "Is it safe," I asked myself, "to do 2, 3 and 4 +without 1? The omission may have a serious effect on 2, 3 and 4." + +Then I returned to the attack with renewed vigour. In a week I got +through twenty tens--with no result. + +Disappointed and weary I was walking to the office one morning when +suddenly I had an attack of giddiness. By the end of the day I was +beginning to wonder if I was very ill. I felt it. Usually the clearest +of thinkers, I was dizzy and dazed. + +The evening saw the arrival of my doctor, and a thorough examination +followed, at the end of which he shook his head gravely. + +"'M," he murmured. "Ah." + +"Tell me," I said with extraordinary calmness--"tell me the worst. Brain +fever, I suppose?" + +"Oh, dear no," he replied. "What I'm worrying about is the heart. It's +in a bad state--a really bad state. Heaven knows how many cigarettes +you've been consuming lately. You'll have to stop it altogether." + +I looked at him blankly; then, with a bitter laugh, I (1) stood in +position illustrated, (2) raised arms above head in manner indicated by +the instructions, (3) straightened right arm and lowered right hand so +that handkerchief (_still taut_) sloped to right, and (4) returned to +sofa. + + * * * * * + +The Latest Style in Strikes. + + "Engineers and firemen on the western railways of the United States + have threatened to strike unless their demands for increased wages + and other reforms are not granted." + + _The Times._ + +They seem very hard to please. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: Mr. H. B. IRVING (_Sir Hubert Lisle_). + +"Pomfret will fall in another two seconds if I don't ride over and raise +the siege. Still, my first duty is to Mr. STEPHEN PHILLIPS, and he wants +me for a few dialogues and a brace of soliloquies before I start." + + * * * * * +AT THE PLAY. + +"THE SIN OF DAVID." + + +This is not, like the plays in which JOSEPH has recently figured, an +adaptation from the Hebrew. Mr. STEPHEN PHILLIPS has given a +seventeenth-century (A.D.) setting to the BATHSHEBA motive, +transplanting it from the polygamous East into the England of +one-man-one-wife. His object, no doubt, was to emphasize one aspect of +his borrowed theme, which is further enforced by his choice of +_milieu_--the camp of the Puritans. + +Lest this fairly obvious note of irony should escape us, Mr. PHILLIPS +accentuates it at the start by making his DAVID (_Sir Hubert Lisle_, +Commander of the Parliamentary Forces in the fenland) condemn a young +officer to be shot for a "carnal" offence. The delinquent's answer-- + + "Thou who so lightly dealest death to me + Be thou then very sure of thine own soul;" + +and _Lisle's_ prayer-- + + "And judge me, Thou that sittest in Thy Heaven, + As I have shown no mercy, show me none!... + If ever a woman's beauty shall ensnare + My soul into such sin as he hath sinned"-- + +these passages, even if the title of the play had not prepared us, +afford fair warning of the way in which things have got to go. In fact +it is all very simple and straightforward, and (on the constructive +side) Hellenic. Perhaps indeed the treatment is a little too direct, and +the tragedy moves too quickly to its consummation (thirty or forty +minutes suffice for the reading of it). It might serve its publisher (of +the Bodley Head) as one of a series to be entitled: "Half-hours with the +Best Sinners." + +As a poem _The Sin of David_ cannot compare for beauty with _Paolo and +Francesca_, though it contains isolated lines which recall Mr. +PHILLIPS'S earliest drama, such as the plea of _Joyce_, the condemned +officer-- + + "Her face was close to me, and dimmed the world." + +or _Lisle's_-- + + "Thou hast unlocked the loveliness of earth." + +But then, of course, the exotic manner would here have been an +impropriety. This is not Rimini; it is the English Fenland; and all the +characters, with the exception of _Miriam Mardyke_ (the BATHSHEBA of the +piece), who was bred in France and had its sun in her blood, were of the +Puritan pattern that does not accommodate itself very easily to the +language of passion. + +But all this we knew ten years ago, when _The Sin of David_ was first +published; and the only new interest was the question of its +adaptability to the theatre. Poetic drama seldom gains much by +presentation on the stage, unless it is full of action; and there is +little action in this play except of the inward kind. In almost the only +case where quick movement is here demanded one becomes conscious of the +intrusion of words. When he knows that the relief of Pomfret depends +upon his instant action, _Lisle_ still finds time for conversations with +his servant, with _Miriam_ and with the doctor, and for a couple of +well-sustained soliloquies. + +Certain lines, again, whose literary flavour, when read, makes us +overlook their inherent improbability in the mouth of the character that +utters them, take on, when spoken, an air of artifice. Such are the +lines in which _Miriam_ describes her old sister-in-law, to her face, as + + "living without sin + And reputably rusting to the grave." + +And there is always the danger that actors will be content with a rather +slurred and perfunctory recitation of lines that have no bearing on the +action but are just inserted for joy as a rhetorical embroidery. + +It may be a trivial criticism, but I think the play suffered a little +from the appearance of the love-child whose death was to be the +punishment for _Lisle's_ sin in sending _Mardyke_ to his death in a +forlorn hope. The instructions in my book are contradictory. The time of +Act III. is described as "five years later," and we are then told that +"four years are supposed to have elapsed since Act II." Anyhow, the boy +should be only three or four years old. Actually he is a girl (the stage +must have it so) of some ten summers. You may say that all those years +during which the lovers' passion has been purified by worship of the +child's innocence, and "God has not said a word," add a dramatic force +to the blow when at last it falls. But for myself--a mere matter of +taste--I feel that the vengeance of Heaven has been nursed too long. + +As for the interpretation, I must honestly compliment Mr. IRVING and +Miss MIRIAM LEWES on their performance. It is true that I should never +have mistaken Mr. IRVING for a fighting Roundhead, and he might well +have sacrificed something of his personality for the sake of illusion. +It is true, too, that he was more concerned about dramatic than poetic +effects; yet, within the limitations of a very marked individuality, he +did justice to the author by a performance that was most sincere and +persuasive. Miss LEWES played her more difficult part with great charm +and delicacy. Her manner, even under stress of passionate feeling, still +kept the right restraint that _Miriam_ had learnt from her environment; +but always we were made to feel that under the prim Puritan gown was a +body that had been "born in the sun's lap," and held the warmth of the +vinelands in its veins. Perhaps it was from France, too, that _Miriam_ +had caught her strange habit of pronouncing "my" (a perfectly good word) +as "me." + +There is little so worth seeing on the stage to-day as _The Sin of +David_, and I very sincerely hope that both the play and its +interpreters may win the wide appreciation they have earned. + + O. S. + + * * * * * + +It is unfortunate that Mr. ARTHUR ECKERLEY'S ingenious little farce, _A +Collection will be made_, was only introduced into the bill at the +Garrick two days before the withdrawal of the _Duke of Killicrankie_, +and that, like the melancholy _Jaques_, it has had to share the ducal +exile. I look forward to its early reappearance under happier auspices, +and with Mr. GUY NEWALL again in the leading part. + + * * * * * + + "The father of a young lady, aged 15--a typical 'FLAPPER'--with all + the self-assurance of a woman of 30, would be grateful for the + recommendation of a seminary (not a convent) where she might be + placed."--_Times._ + + "Coaching required for Cambridge Little Girl."--_Times._ + +Is it the same little girl? + + * * * * * + +Illustration: A PROPOSAL FOR THE PURCHASE OF DONKEYS FOR PRACTISING +AMMUNITION-SUPPLY IN THE FIELD HAS BEEN APPROVED BY THE WAR OFFICE. + + * * * * * + +RETROSPECTIVE. + + +[_The armbone of a prehistoric lion has been discovered in Fleet Street +during the excavations for the new offices of "The Daily Chronicle." +Remains of other prehistoric animals were found some years ago near the +same spot._] + + READER, when last you went down Fleet + (Wait half-a-second. Thank you.) Street, + And gazed upon it from your seat, + Perched on a motor-bus, + Did you, I wonder, guess that there, + In ages long ago, the bear + Contended for the choicest lair + With the rhinoceros? + + Where now the expectant taxis prowl, + And growlers, still surviving, growl, + And agonised pedestrians howl, + Seeing the traffic skid, + There lions roamed the swampy glade, + There the superb okapi brayed, + And many a mighty mammoth made + Whatever noise it did. + + It pleases me to pause and think + That where to-day flows printing-ink + All sorts of beasts came down to drink + Clear waters from a spring. + I like to reconstruct the scene; + I feel existence must have been, + Before the rotary machine, + A more delightful thing. + + I like to think how, westward bound, + Tigers pursued their prey and found + The Strand a happy hunting ground, + Seeking tit-bits by night. + Reader, will you come there with me + When London lies asleep? Maybe + Their phantoms still prowl stealthily + Down by the Aldwych site. + + * * * * * + +SOCIETY NOTES. + + +Lady Diana Dingo was in the Park yesterday, walking with Lancelot, her +new ant-eater, and the latter, who has happily recovered from his severe +attack of measles, is now quite tame, and was wearing bronzed toe-nails +and a large blue ribbon under the left ear. + +The Countess of Torquay and her sister, Mrs. Pygmalion Popinjay, were at +the Earl's Court Exhibition on Wednesday. The Countess's crested toucan, +Willy, was much admired. + +The Ladies' Park Pet race at Ranelham next Friday is expected to prove +an exciting event, especially as Stella, Lady Killaloo, has entered her +large crocodile, Horace--called after her late husband--who is known to +prove rather fractious at times. + +Mrs. Halliday Hare is in deep mourning for her bandicoot, Maud Eliza, +who was unfortunately set upon and eaten last week by the Hon. Mrs. +Joram's young jaguar during an afternoon call at the house of a mutual +friend of their mistresses. Mrs. Hare is leaving town at once, and her +house will be closed until late in the autumn. + +The iguana worn by Miss Bay Buskin in the second Act of _The Belle of +Bow Street_ is a delightful little creature, and accompanies his +mistress everywhere. While on the subject of the theatre, we are glad to +learn that the cages now being erected behind the stage at Galy's +Theatre will soon be ready, when there should be no further cause for +complaint about the rapacity of some of the larger carnivora owned by +certain ladies of the chorus. + +The recent fashion of having one's pet emu coloured to match one's frock +is dying out, and armadilloes with gilded trotters are becoming the +vogue. + + * * * * * + +COMPULSION. + + +"Very well," said the lady of the house, "don't let's do it. Nobody can +force us to go to the seaside if we don't want to." + +"It's too late," I said, "to begin to agree with me now." + +"It's never too late to realise how reasonable you are." + +"Yes, it is. The agreement is signed; half the rent has been paid; +Sandstone House has got us by the legs, and, whether we like it or not, +we've got to go there next week." + +"We might try the effect of a death-bed repentance." + +"No," I said, "we're dead already. We died when the blessed agreement +was signed." + +"Well, then, let's write and say our aunt from British Columbia is about +to arrive here unexpectedly on a visit to us, and that sand and seaweed +and prawns and star-fish are simply death to her. We can wind up with a +strong appeal to the landlord's better nature. No true landlord can wish +to be responsible for the death of anybody's British Columbian aunt." + +"You're quite wrong," I said. "Landlords just revel in that kind of +thing. Besides, he will not believe in our aunt. He will say that she is +too thin." + +"But the aunt I'm thinking of is stout and wheezy. She is a widow; her +name is Aunt Wilhelmina; except ourselves there's nobody in the world +left for her to cling to. No marine landlord can dare to separate us +from Aunt Wilhelmina." + +"It's no good," I said. "I'll admit that your Aunt Wilhelmina----" + +"She's only mine by marriage, you know; but I love her like a daughter." + +"I admit," I continued, "that Aunt-by-marriage Wilhelmina may some day +be useful to us. We will put her by for another occasion. But she can't +help us now." + +"Well, go ahead yourself and suggest something, then." + +"I could suggest a thousand things. Suppose we just pay the rest of the +rent and don't go." + +"The man," she said with conviction, "is mad." + +"I thought you'd say that, and I know you'd say the same about any other +suggestion of mine, so I shan't make any more." + +"You mustn't be sulky," she said. + +"I never am. I'm reasonable, but, as usual, you'll realise it too late. +Besides," I added, "it's you who've brought us into this fix." + +"I?" she said with an air of wonder. "How can I have done that?" + +"I'll tell you," I said firmly, for I saw that my chance had come. "For +weeks and weeks past you have been engaged in shutting up avenues and +closing loop-holes. Wherever there was the tiniest way of escape from +the seaside, there you were with your walls and your fences, until at +last you'd got me safely penned in." + +"You didn't struggle much, did you?" + +"No, I was like the man in _The Pit and the Pendulum_, and you +were--whoever it was that made the walls close in on him." + +"I refuse," she said, "to be called a Spanish Inquisition." + +"You may refuse as much as you like, but that's the sort of thing you've +been. How you worked on my domestic affections and my household pride! +When Helen forgot to go to her music-lesson you said the poor child was +evidently run down and wanted a breath of sea-air. When Rosie lost her +German exercise-book, and when Peggy fell off her bicycle, you worked +both these accidents round into an imperative demand for salt water. +When John was bitten by a gnat you said the spot was bilious and things +would never be right with him until he got into a more bracing climate; +and when Bates tripped up in the pantry and broke a week's income in +plates and dishes you said he needed tone and would get it at the sea. +Seaside, seaside, seaside! I couldn't get away from it." + +"Oh, but you haven't been there yet, you know. You're shouting before +you're hurt." + +"No," I said, "I am not--I mean I am hurt, but I'm not shouting. I'm +just whispering a few salutary truths." + +"And there's another thing," she said; "it must be terrible for you to +know what a designing person your wife is." + +"Madam," I said, "my wife is as heaven made her. I will not permit her +to be abused. She has good impulses. She means well. Her plain sewing is +quite excellent." + +"Spare me," she said, "oh spare me. I will never go to the sea again." + +"But you _shall_ go to the sea," I said. "Everything is settled. The +agreement is signed; the tickets are all but taken. John and Peggy are +panting for pails and spades. Do you think I want to stand in the way of +their innocent pleasures? We will all try for shrimps while you sit on a +heap of sand and tell us not to get too wet, or that it's time for tea, +and have I forgotten the thermos-flask again." + +"Horatio," she said, "I can see you paddling in my mind's eye." + +"But tell me," I said, "when do we start." + +"We start on Tuesday. The whole lot of us together, you know, servants +and all. Won't that be fun?" + +"Ye--es," I said, "it will--I mean it would if I could go with you, but +unfortunately----" + +"_What!_" she said, "you mean to desert us?" + +"No, no, I can never desert you, but I've got two solemn engagements on +Tuesday--meetings in the City." + +"Then I'm to take the whole party, am I?" + +"Yes, dear," I said. "And I'll join you next day." + +"You've won," she said. + + * * * * * + +KITTY ADARE. + + + Sweet as a wild-rose was Kitty Adare, + Blithe as a laverock and shy as a hare; + Mid all the grand ladies of all the grand cities + You'd not find the face half so pretty as Kitty's; + "'Tis the fine morning this, Kit," says I; she says, "It is," + The day she went walking to get to the Fair. + + She was bred to give trouble, was Kitty Adare, + For she had my heart caught like a bird in a snare; + O, her laugh was the ripple of quick-running water, + And--the seventh-born child of a seventh-born daughter-- + She wore the green shoes that the fairies had brought her + To help her go dancing that day at the Fair. + + She'd the foot of a princess, had Kitty Adare, + And the road fell behind her like peel off a pear; + She was into the town with the lads and the lassies, + And the shouting of showmen and braying of asses, + And on to the green where the best of the grass is, + With the sun shining bright on the fun of the Fair! + + She was light as a feather, was Kitty Adare, + And she danced like a flame in a current of air; + O, look at her now--she retreating, advancing, + And stepping and stopping, and gliding and glancing! + There wasn't a one was her marrow at dancing + Of all the young maidens who danced at the Fair. + + O Kitty, O Kitty, O Kitty Adare, + Till the music was beaten you danced to it there; + And the fiddler, poor fellow, the way that he was in, + Him sweating for six and his bow wanting rosin, + He was put past the fiddling a month--all because in + A pair of green shoes Kitty danced at the Fair! + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _Cheerful Householder (to burglar)._ "BY THE WAY, WHEN +YOU GO DOWNSTAIRS YOU MIGHT LET THE CAT IN; SHE'S BEEN SPOILING MY +SLEEP." + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + + +If memory serves me, the publishers of _World's End_ (HURST AND +BLACKETT) described its theme as one of unusual delicacy, or words to +that effect. I should like to reassure them. The particular kind of +marriage of convenience which it concerns (marriage for the convenience +of the wronged heroine, by which the virtuous hero gives his name to the +child of the villain) may be, indeed is, a delicate matter, but--in +fiction at least--by no manner of means unusual. Nor can I see that its +present treatment by AMÉLIE RIVES (Princess TROUBETZKOY) lends it any +degree of novelty. No, let me be just; perhaps _Richard Bryce_, the +wicked betrayer, does strike a somewhat new note, at least in his +beginnings. _Richard_ was the product of art superimposed upon dollars. +He was so cultured that the humanity in him had dwindled to a negligible +quantity; and thus, when poor _Phoebe_ wanted him to "do the right thing +by her," he sent her instead some charmingly modern French verse--which +she could not understand--and finally took ship for Europe in mingled +alarm and boredom. You will have gathered that the scene is laid in +America. Perhaps this explains the hero. _Owen Randolph_ was one of the +strong and silent. He was so silent that, though he knew perfectly well +all that had happened, he married _Phoebe_, and allowed that unhappy +lady to suffer chapters of agonized apprehension as to his attitude, +when half-a-dozen words would have set her at ease on the subject. He +was, moreover, so strong that, when eventually the theme of their +relations with _Phoebe_ did crop up between himself and _Richard_, the +latter spent some months in hospital as a consequence. However, he +recovered, and things were thus able to reach the kind of ending which +was expected of them. There are parts of _World's End_ that are worthy +of a better whole, but that is the best I can say for it. + + * * * * * + +I believe that _Paul Moorhouse_ (LONG) was never really predestined to +end unhappily and that his suicide was a conclusion as little +premeditated by the author as it was apparently by the hero. If such +ends must be, they should be a climax demanded by relentless logic: some +sort of culminating event should occur which, added to what has gone +before, leaves no alternative. _Paul_, however, had survived for years +under the stress of all the circumstances which finally constrained him +to make an end of himself; and, had he stayed the course--only another +hour or so--he would have found that all had turned out for the best and +that adequate arrangements had been made for his permanent happiness. No +doubt these things happen in real life and I cannot accuse Mr. GEORGE +WOUIL (a most discerning author) of any inhuman treatment of his puppet; +yet I wish that he had been more kindly disposed and had spared me a +bitter disappointment. Having known _Paul_, man and boy, for upwards of +ten years, I had become sincerely attached to him; as assistant +time-keeper, foreman and works-manager he showed a spirit true to the +real Black Country type. He had his moments of weakness when he went +astray after the manner of his kind; but he always became master of +himself again and, when he had to, paid like a man the price of his +misdeeds, never pausing to discover the overcharge. As for _Joan Ware_, +his intended and his due, she was a dear; poor dear! + + * * * * * + +I do not think that you will believe _The Story of Fifine_ (CONSTABLE), +although Mr. BERNARD CAPES takes some pains to give it an air of +actuality; but if you are like me you will not be greatly concerned +about that. Purporting to be the ill-used daughter of a mad French +marquis, _Fifine_, in that _naïve_ and charming way which has always +been so dear to the hearts of novelists, came to live at the bachelor +abode in Paris of the sculptor _Felix Dane_ (his half-sister, who was +keeping house for the marquis, provided the introduction), and, calling +each other "cousin" and "gossip," these two shared rooms together in +perfect simplicity of soul and held several conversations which reflect, +I suppose, Mr. BERNARD CAPES' views on the plastic arts and life in +general. And why, in passing, he should continue to heap ridicule on +staid Victorian respectability I cannot for the life of me imagine. The +plucky and unorthodox thing nowadays surely is to make game of +Bohemianism. But, anyhow, the happy moment for me arrived when _Felix +Dane_ suggested (on the grounds that the marquis would soon discover his +daughter's hiding-place) a holiday tour through Provence. Mr. BERNARD +CAPES in Provence is Mr. BERNARD CAPES at his best. How the lovers (for +that--perhaps you roguishly guessed it?--they gradually became) paid +visits to Nîmes, to Aigues-Mortes, to Arles and to Paradou les Baux, and +met _M. Carabas Cabarus_, the native minstrel, you must read for +yourself, for I cannot give a faint idea of the eloquence with which +their fairyland is portrayed. And if the plot ends as artificially as it +began, and with an unnecessary tragedy thrown in, I suppose for the sake +of that idyll in the very nesting-place of idylls I must shrug my +shoulders and forgive. After all, it does not matter much who _Fifine_ +really was, nor what happened to her. Suffice it that Mr. BERNARD CAPES +has conducted her to Arles. + + * * * * * + +_The Caddis-Worm_ (HURST AND BLACKETT) is an appropriate enough title +for Mrs. DAWSON SCOTT'S novel, but I confess to having grown a little +restive at its appearance on the top of each of 352 pages. "Episodes in +the Life of Richard and Catharine Blake" is the alternative title, and +to the average human reader possibly a more significant one. _The +Caddis-Worm_ is quite in the modern manner, having no plot--or what has +been contemptuously called "anecdote." I have, however, a more genuine +grievance against Mrs. DAWSON SCOTT, and it is that she seems inclined +to be a propagandist without the requisite robustness. A little more +vigour in her protests against the iniquity of British laws, and her +theme might have allured me. As it is, the troubles of _Catharine_ with +her peremptory _Richard_ only made me want, but not very keenly, to take +and give her a good shaking. Whereas, with a little more encouragement, +I believe I should have been quite anxious to kick her husband from the +top to the bottom of several flights of stairs. Drastic methods were +taken by the author to bring _Richard_ to his senses; in fact, at one +time he made a sort of corner in disasters. But unless a sanatorium +exists where patients are treated kindly and firmly for swollen-head I +do not think that _Richard's_ cure is likely to be permanent. That, +however, does not affect my view that Mrs. DAWSON SCOTT has given us a +book which is full of clever writing and fairly shrewd observation. + + * * * * * + +"It was a wild wet night, though the month of May was well begun." +Without caring very much about the month of May, I felt on reading these +introductory words that the story called _My Lady Rosia_ had excellently +well begun. I am sorry to add, though, that it does not carry on quite +so bravely as you might expect from such a start. My own suspicion is +that _Lady Rosia_ is one of many novels that owe their existence to a +summer holiday. I haven't the slightest knowledge of the facts, and +still less wish to incur a libel action, but, by my way of imagining it, +Miss FREDA MARY GROVES found herself one day in the Winchelsea country, +fell very naturally in love with its jolly old houses, and determined +there and then to write a story about them. So here it is, with a mildly +romantic hero, _Bernard_, a heroine in the title _rôle_ who is as pretty +and persecuted as heroines should be, a villain (_Lord Segrave_ by +name--even, you see, in those Black-Princely days peers were a bad lot), +some conflicts not quite so exciting as they might have been, and the +rest of the mixture as before. You perhaps catch already my chief ground +of complaint. Frankly I do not think that Miss GROVES' pen is quite +sufficiently dashing for this sort of thing. Historical and adventurous +romance, if it is to earn my vote, must keep me out of breath the whole +time. It should never be allowed to slacken pace; and (to be entirely +candid) _My Lady Rosia_ sometimes ambles rather heavily. I forgot to add +that it is published by WASHBOURNE, printed on detestable paper, and +contains some pleasant illustrations of the places mentioned in the +story. In few, the best I can say of it is that it would make a charming +gift for the young Person (if she still survives) on the occasion, say, +of a family holiday to Hastings. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _The Optimist (who has just been struck by a passing +motor-car)._ "GLORY BE! IF THIS ISN'T A PIECE O' LUCK! SURE, 'TIS THE +DOCTHOR HIMSELF THAT'S IN UT." + + * * * * * + +The John Bull Breed. + +_The South African Farmers' Guide_ pays a pretty compliment to a +well-known family in describing a typical South Devon bull as the +"property of Major APTHORP, a magnificent example of this breed." + + * * * * * + +WANTED.--A Tame Tory who will undertake to write scathing criticisms on +the policy of his own party. Meals supplied on premises. Sleep in. +Address, Offices of _Westminster Gazette_. + + * * * * * + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +147, July 22, 1914, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, JULY 22, 191PUNCH, CHARIVARI, JULY 22, 1914 *** + +***** This file should be named 24992-8.txt or 24992-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/2/4/9/9/24992/ + +Produced by Neville Allen, Hagay Giller, Malcolm Farmer +and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at +https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +https://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +https://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at https://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit https://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including including checks, online payments and credit card +donations. To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. |