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diff --git a/24720.txt b/24720.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..73e7897 --- /dev/null +++ b/24720.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2373 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146, May +20, 1914, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146, May 20, 1914 + + +Author: Various + +Editor: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: February 29, 2008 [eBook #24720] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 146, MAY 20, 1914*** + + +E-text prepared by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer, and the Project +Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net) + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 24720-h.htm or 24720-h.zip: + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/4/7/2/24720/24720-h/24720-h.htm) + or + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/4/7/2/24720/24720-h.zip) + + +Transcribers note: + + Stage directions are enclosed by equal signs (example: =Enter=). + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 146 + +MAY 20, 1914 + + + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + + +It is comforting to know that we need not yet despair of human nature. +Even the most abandoned politician may have one redeeming quality. For +example, _The Express_ tells us that Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL is a reader +of _The Express._ + + * * * + +It is reported to be the intention of General BOTHA to visit this +country in June or July, and the Labour Party here are said to be +already taking steps with a view to having him deported as an +undesirable. + + * * * + +If Mr. HENRY CHAPLIN has been correctly reported he is even more of a +reactionary than most of his opponents imagined. In the course of the +debate on the Sunday Closing Bill he is said to have delivered himself +as follows:--"Drunkenness is diminishing, and I say Thank God; long may +it continue." The pious ejaculation would seem to be an expression of +gratitude for the joys of inebriety. + + * * * + +"Does the nightingale really boycott the land of Llewelyn and Mr. Lloyd +George--and why?" asks an anxious inquirer in a contemporary. If it is +so we suspect the reason is a fear on the part of the bird that the +CHANCELLOR may get to know of the rich quality of his notes and tax him +out of existence. + + * * * + +Mr. GEORGE STOREY has been elected a Royal Academician. This will +surprise no one. Burlington House has always favoured the Storey +picture. And as regards Mr. H. S. TUKE, who was promoted at the same +time, his serial tale, "Three Boys and a Boat," has now been running for +quite a number of years. + + * * * + +"English," says Mr. BALFOUR, "is abominably difficult." But Erse is +worse. + + * * * + +Despatched at Teddington twenty-three years ago a postcard has just been +delivered at Walton-on-Thames. The postal authorities trust that the +publication of this fact will induce people to exercise a little +patience when they do not receive correspondence which they expect, +instead of at once jumping to the conclusion that it has been lost. + + * * * + +As a consequence of recent outrages at the Royal Academy the Council is +reported to be testing "unbreakable glass." No doubt the Indestructible +Paint Company is also circularising artists. + + * * * + +A man walking across St. Paul's Churchyard gave a remarkable exhibition +of presence of mind one day last week. He was knocked down under a +motor-omnibus, but managed so to arrange himself that the wheels passed +clear of him. Cinema operators will be obliged if he will give them due +notice of any intention to repeat the turn. + + * * * + +"The London General Omnibus Company advertises itself, so why shouldn't +we?" said the L.C.C. Tramways--so they had a nice little collision on +the Embankment last week. + + * * * + +At the second annual celebration of "Mothers' Day" at the London Central +Y.M.C.A., an eloquent address was delivered by the secretary of the +association, Mr. VIRGO. The thought that, in spite of his name, this +gentleman, try as he might, could never become a mother is said to have +raised a lump in the throat of many a member of the audience. + + * * * + +We are glad to hear that "Hospital Egg Week" has been a success. We find +it difficult, however, to believe one account, which states that +sufficient new-laid eggs have been contributed to last the whole year. + + * * * + +"If Adam had lived till now," says Mr. SNOWDEN, "and had worked hard at +honest labour the whole time, and had been a thrifty man withal, he +would not have had an income like some of those enjoyed to-day." Mr. +SNOWDEN is apparently presuming that ADAM'S wife would have lived as +long as her husband. + + * * * + +At his examination in bankruptcy a Clacton monumental mason attributed +his failure to the healthfulness of the neighbourhood. Suggested motto +for Clacton funeral artists: "_ Si monumentum requiris_--go elsewhere." + + * * * + +Among probable forthcoming improvements at the Zoological Gardens is the +provision of a band on Sunday. But one great difficulty, we imagine, +will be to persuade the laughing hyena and certain other rowdy animals +not to take part in the performances. + + * * * + +The didactic drama is with us again, and this time we are to be taught +to feel affection for the unpopular. _Love Cheats_ is the hortatory +title of a play to be produced by Miss HORNIMAN'S company next month. + + * * * + +Mr. MARGAM JONES has written a volume entitled _Angels in Wales._ +Nonconformists, we presume. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: THE NEW DRESS. + +"Going along Oxford Street, are you? I should love to come with you, but +it would be a little hard on Bond Street. You see, I haven't shown it to +Bond Street yet." + + * * * * * + + "BAD LANGUAGE. + FROM SIR HERBERT TREE. + To the Editor of _The Daily Mail._" + +We hope the Editor replied suitably. + + * * * * * + +"WHO FEARS TO SPEAK OF"--NINETEEN-SIX? + +[_Thoughts on "a Bill for the Better_ (sic) _Government of Ireland."_] + + + There was an Isle all green and fair + Where milk and whisky used to flow, + Where, thanks to lavish legislators, + The pious cult of pigs and taters + Filled with content the balmy air-- + Eight little years ago! + + Distressful she had been, a land + Of kine curtailed and burning ricks, + Until we others oped our purses + To rectify her feudal curses + And freed the soil with generous hand-- + Prior to nineteen-six. + + Though still the casual moonlight raid + Occurred at seasons, just for joy, + New brands of owners, fat and thriving, + Had lost their use for cattle-driving, + And agitation's artful aid + Pined for its old employ. + + Then came the Liberals in and eyed + This land where Peace had poised her wings; + And "O!" said they, "how sad a smutch on + Our clean United Kingdom's 'scutcheon! + It is our duty to provide + A Better State of Things." + + Eight years ago! And now we see + The dogs of war about to bay; + The Bill for Ruling Ireland Better + (Strangely enough) has so upset her + That pretty soon there ought to be + The DEVLIN'S self to pay. + + So, when the general atmosphere + Becomes opaque with flying bricks, + And those who ran the Home Rule movement + Bid me applaud this marked improvement, + From pure politeness I shall fear + To speak of nineteen-six. + + O. S. + + * * * * * + +BUSINESSFRIENDSHIP. + + +Have you heard from ---- this year? Mine came last night. Of course (to +keep it among ourselves) I am not going to say who ---- is beyond +mentioning (for the purpose of handy reference) that he appears to have +been christened Josef and that the capital from which he writes (or +alleges that he writes) is associable with a high standard of musical +comedy. His communication is very much underlined, very profuse of the +mark of exclamation in quite unnecessary places (until, indeed, the sign +begins to assume an absolutely satirical value), and very ornate with +little amputated hands, all pointing out the short cut to illimitable +wealth. Now you understand. + +The envelope was addressed, as Josef himself assures me that his future +communications will be, "in the most discreet manner," and yet.... + +"Put it into the waste-paper basket, my dear," I said to Philippa, who +had brought it in with some curiosity. "We need not open it. It is only +Josef offering us another fortune." Need I say that she at once opened +it? + +My address, according to Josef, had been given to him "by a mutual +businessfriend." This threw me into a contemplation. Who could it be? +Spraggs had certainly toured the capitals of Central Europe last autumn, +but he never mentioned Josef on his return. Harris? Well, one would +scarcely call Harris a _business_friend. Filmer? No, Filmer is too +selfish, I fear, to do me so good a turn. Ah, of course! Kelly, dear old +burly rubicund Kelly, with his unfailing memory for an address and his +delightfully abbreviated style. And he goes everywhere too: the very +man. I can almost hear him saying it: "Then there's Johnson, my staunch +old businessfriend Johnson, whom I can trace right back as far as my +impressions of 1912; mustn't leave him out. I think I can--yes, I have +it: John Fdk. Johnson, 72, Chestnut Av., Mayfield Pk., S.W. You've got +that?" Josef has it. + +Josef, it appears, possesses a few tickets, and I gather that for some +reason he does not require all of them himself. Naturally he turns to +the friend of our mutual businessfriend. Will I participate in the +distribution of "many, many million within five months?" The first prize +is one--but perhaps I had better express it as Josef loves to do. The +first prize is + + --->ONE MILLION CRS.<--- + +The chance, he goes on to say, is "without any risk worth mentioning." +Still, he does mention it. He mentions it quite explicitly so that there +shall be no mistake. The risk is as follows:-- + + 1/4 Ticket sh 8/6. + 1/2 Ticket sh 17/. + 1/1 Ticket sh 34/. + +"All tickets forwarded (paid for) belong to the customer," I am assured, +"from the moment of dispatch and play, of course, on his account." + +I fancy I see what Josef means, but I don't think that the expression, +"play, of course, on his account," is altogether well chosen. I think it +might have been phrased more felicitously. + +You will not be surprised to know that Josef's interest, stimulated by +our mutual businessfriend, goes beyond my mere personality. He reminds +me--Philippa is quite affected by this--that there are others. "The +astonishing advantages ... must induce to serious consideration anyone +who is looking after his own welfare, and that of those near and dear to +him as well."--Yet Josef can be almost stern when there is occasion, and +he tersely warns me that it is a chance which "probably NEVER WILL BE +OFFERED to you AGAIN!" + +Ah, well. + +I suppose that I shall give a miss as usual. It isn't that I doubt a +single word of Josef's splendid optimism on my behalf. It isn't that I +really mind the always, to me, inexplicable fact that every second +ticket is guaranteed to draw a prize, while the _lowest_ prize is double +the amount charged for the ticket. It isn't (altogether) that I distrust +Philippa's rosy presentiment. I think it is the concluding paragraph +that settles it. I read:-- + + Will you become + A MILLIONAIRE? + + Fill out this Order-Form and send it to me by return of post with + the necessary remittance! + +That last and entirely superfluous note of exclamation seems only to be +adequately vocalised as a chuckle. And as I listen it does not seem to +be myself that is laughing. + + * * * * * + +Mr. LLOYD GEORGE is already using his influence with the new WAR +MINISTER. In the Army Orders for March, 1914, we read:-- + + "Paragraph 555, line 4. _For '4d.' substitute '9d.'_" + + * * * * * + +Illustration: THE CONCERT OF SOUTH AMERICA. + +THE MEDIATORS. "PARDON, MADAM, BUT YOU HAVE HAD A LOT OF EXPERIENCE OF +THIS KIND OF THING. HOW DO YOU DO IT?" + +EUROPA. "OH, WE JUST TALK AND TALK--AND THEN TALK!" + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _First Player (encouragingly)._ "Bad luck! Well tried!" + +_Second Player (petulantly)._ "I didn't try for anything." + + * * * * * + +THE PIERCING OF THE VEIL. + + +"I think," says Dr. LYNCH in _The Daily Chronicle,_ "that a man leaves +some trace of himself in every sentence that he writes. What then of +works so extensive as Shakspeare's? Certainly we should see him through +and through if we only knew how to look." + +_We_ do know how to look, and we have done so with results that can +hardly fail to astonish the reader. It has long been known, for +instance, that SHAKSPEARE was a good man of business, but until our +researches no one had realised quite how good. His theatre had to pay, +and he knew as well as any modern manager how to make it do so. That he +realised, for instance, the attractions of American dance tunes is +evident from his reference to "rags to split the ears of the +groundlings" (_Hamlet_, Act III., Scene 2). + +Apart from his business SHAKSPEARE had private ambitions. We all know +that he applied for a grant of arms, but few are aware that he also +stood for Parliament, and, like many another, regretted the expense +after it was incurred. "Almost all," he says feelingly, "repent in their +election" (_Coriolanus_, Act II., Scene 3). His exact political views +are still uncertain, but, at any rate, we may be sure that he +disapproved of the Lords, for he boldly announced the fact in the _Two +Gentlemen of Verona,_ Act V., Scene 4, where he says, "One house, one +mutual happiness." + +But these are serious matters. What of his hours of ease? That he golfed +there can now be no manner of doubt. In _The Tempest,_ Act IV., Scene 1, +he refers to the "short grassed green," and in _Hamlet_, Act II., Scene +2, he earns our respect by the simple statement, "I went round," without +any tedious details. Possibly the "thousand marks in links" in the first +part of _Henry IV._, Act III., Scene 3, explains this reticence, but, at +any rate, he occasionally found one whom he fancied he could beat; +witness his remark in _Twelfth Night,_ Act II., Scene 3, "Sir Toby, I +must be round with you." + +And, golf over, he liked his pipe and his glass. The "smoke and lukewarm +water" mentioned in _Timon of Athens,_ Act III., Scene 6, only needs the +addition of a dash of whisky to make an evening any of us might enjoy; +and his words in _Anthony and Cleopatra,_ Act I., Scene 2, "We bring +forth weeds when our quick minds are still," will find an echo in many a +chest. In this connection it might be noted that he took an occasional +holiday in France. That at least seems a reasonable assumption when so +keen a smoker cries, as he does in _The Merchant of Venice,_ Act III., +Scene 1, "I have another bad match." + + * * * * * + +A VAGRANT. + + + The humble bee + No skep has he, + No twisted, straw-thatched dome, + A ferny crest + Provides his nest, + The mowing-grass his home. + + The crook-beaked shrike + His back may spike + And pierce him with a thorn; + The humble bee + A tramp is he + And there is none to mourn. + + O'er bank and brook, + In wooded nook, + He wanders at his whim, + Lives as he can, + Owes naught to man, + And man owes naught to him. + + No hive receives + The sweets he gives, + No flowers for him are sown, + Yet wild and gay + He hums his way, + A nomad on his own. + + * * * * * + +THE SUFFERER. + + +Having engaged a sleeping-berth I naturally hurried, coin in hand, to +the conductor, as all wise travellers do (usually to their +discomfiture), to see if I could be accommodated with a compartment to +myself and be guaranteed against invasion. + +The carriage was full. + +I then sought my compartment, to learn the worst as to my position, +whether above or below the necessarily offensive person who was to be my +companion. + +He was already there, and we exchanged the hard implacable glare that is +reserved among the English for the other fellow in a wagon-lit +compartment. + +When I discovered that to him had fallen the dreaded upper berth I +relaxed a little, and later we were full of courtesies to each +other--renunciations of hat-pegs, racks and so forth, and charming +mutual concessions as to the light, which I controlled from below--so +that by morning we were so friendly that he deemed me a fit recipient of +his Great Paris Grievance. + +This grievance, which he considered that everyone should know about, +bears upon the prevalence of spurious coins in the so-called Gay City +and the tendency of Parisians to work them off on foreigners. As he +says, a more inhospitable course one cannot conceive. Foreigners in +Paris should be treated as guests, and just now, with all this Entente +talk, the English especially. But no. It is the English who are the +first victims of the possessor of obsolete francs, two-franc and +five-franc pieces guiltless of their country's silver and ten-franc +pieces into whose composition no gold has entered. + +He had been in Paris but an hour or so when--but let me tell the story +as my travelling companion told it to me. + +"I don't know what your experience in Paris has been," he said, "but I +have been victimised right and left." + +He was now getting up while I lay at comparative ease in my berth and +watched his difficulties in the congested room and thought what horrid +vests he wore. + +"I had been in Paris but a few hours," he continued, "when it was +necessary to pay a cabman. I handed him a franc. He examined it, laughed +and returned it. I handed him another. He went through the same +performance. Having found some good money to get rid of him, I sat down +outside a cafe to try and remember where I had received the change in +which these useless coins had been inserted. During a week in Paris much +of my time was spent in that way." + +He sighed and drew on his trousers. His braces were red. + +"I showed the bad francs to a waiter," he went on, "and he, like the +cabman, laughed. In fact, next to an undressed woman, there is no stroke +of wit so certain of Parisian mirth as a bad coin. The first thought of +everyone to whom I showed my collection was to be amused." His face +blackened with rage. "This cheerful callousness in a matter involving a +total want of principle and straight-dealing as between man and man," he +said, "denotes to what a point of cynicism the Parisians have attained." + +I agreed with him. + +"The waiter," he continued, "went through my money and pointed out what +was good and what either bad or out of currency. He called other waiters +to enjoy the joke. It seemed that in about four hours I had acquired +three bad francs, one bad two-franc piece and two bad five-franc pieces. +I put them away in another pocket and got fresh change from him, which, +as I subsequently discovered, contained one obsolete five-franc piece +and two discredited francs. And so it went on. I was a continual target +for them." + +Here he began to wash, and the story was interrupted. + +When he re-emerged I asked him why he didn't always examine his change. + +"It's very difficult to remember to do so," he said, "and, besides, I am +not an expert. Anyway, it got worse and worse, and when a bad gold piece +came along I realised that I must do something so I wrote to the Chief +of the Police." + +"In French?" I asked. + +"No, in English--the language of honesty. I told him my own experiences. +I said that other English people whom I had met had testified to similar +trouble; and I put it to him that as a matter of civic pride--_esprit de +pays_--he should do his utmost to cleanse Paris of this evil. I added +that in my opinion the waiters were the worst offenders." + +"Have you had a reply?" I asked. + +"Not yet," he said, and having completed his toilet he made room for me. + +I thought about him a good deal and sympathised not a little, for he +seemed a good sort of fellow and might possibly have had his +calculations as to expenditure considerably upset by his adventures. It +certainly was a shame! + +Later, meeting him in the restaurant-car I asked him to show me his +store of bad money. I wanted to see for myself what those coins were +like. + +"I haven't got them," he said. + +"You sent them to the Chief of the Police with your letter, I suppose?" +I said. + +"No, I didn't," he replied. "The fact is--well--as a matter of fact I +managed to work them all off again." + + * * * * * + +Illustration: "Curfew _shall not_ ring to-night." + + * * * * * + + "At the beginning of the season good bowling performances are not + unusual--batsmen get themselves out so easily--but Barratt's + bowling yesterday was better than his figures.... Five times + yesterday he broke right across the wicket from leg, but none of + those magnificent balls got wickets, perhaps because it was too + early in the season."--_Times._ + +The beginning of the season seems rather a tricky time. + + * * * * * + + "Death of Collar: Cobham Stud's severe loss."--_Yorkshire Post._ + +The converse of this accident occurred to us the other day, when our +Whitefriars collar lost its stud. + + * * * * * + + "Richard I.... at once began to prepare the third crusade. In 1190 + he started, and reached Acre in June, 1911." + + _"Everyman" Encyclopaedia._ + +Thus missing KING GEORGE Vth's Coronation. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _Customer._ "This is a beautiful chop, waiter, the best +you've ever----" + +_Waiter._ "Yes, an' I won't 'arf cop nothing. That was the boss's chop +what I've giv you in mistake." + + * * * * * + +VANDALISM. + + +The new proposals with regard to the water supply of the City of Glasgow +are causing, we are not surprised to learn, the utmost fury and +consternation throughout Scotland. Criticism has concentrated especially +upon two points: the imminent risk of submerging ROBERT THE BRUCE'S +Stone and, of course, the danger of tampering in however slight a degree +with the birthplace of ROB ROY. The passive resistance movement has +already assumed such proportions that one enterprising publisher feels +justified in announcing a new cheap edition of the "Waverley Novels," +illustrated from local photographs. + +There is, of course, another side to the question. As far as the stone +goes it is contended:-- + +(1) That no one knows why it should have belonged to ROBERT THE BRUCE, +where he got it or what he did with it when he had it. + +(2) That the fact of its being under water would not impair its value in +any way and at the same time would give an historical flavour to every +glass of mitigated whisky thereafter drunk in the City of Glasgow. + +(3) That it could very easily be shifted a bit up the hill if it is +desired to keep it dry, and a small permanent umbrella erected over it. + +With regard to ROB ROY'S birthplace the contention is that it is +practically impossible to construct a new reservoir in these days +anywhere north of the Tweed which will not interfere in some way with +one or other of the places where ROB ROY was born. + +It is not only Scotchmen, however, who have been touched to the quick by +this irreverent and thoughtless proposal. The whole literary profession +is up in arms. A memorial is being prepared to be presented to the PRIME +MINISTER, under the heading, "Hands off ROB ROY!" _Mr. Punch_ himself +has not been idle in the matter. He has spent the last week in eliciting +the opinions of some of our leading writers on this vital question. + +Mr. WILLIAM DE MORGAN (in a charming, if rather discursive, letter of +32,000 words) demands legislation. "Who knows," he asks, "to what +lengths this modern craze for water supplies may go? It is even possible +that, within a century, attempts may be made to submerge that delightful +little cottage in the county of Essex where Ghost met Ghost." + +Mr. BERNARD SHAW, interviewed on his doorstep, derided the action of the +Glasgow Corporation. No amount of water, he told our representative, +could have the least effect in making our modern cities less beastly +than they were. For his part, however, he was taking no risks. He had +that morning arranged for the erection of a spiked iron fence twenty +feet high round the (supposed) birthplace of _Eliza Doolittle._ + +Mr. ARNOLD BENNETT writes:--"I have every sympathy with the widespread +indignation of my fellow-authors, but personally I am not very closely +concerned. My position is secure: no one is likely to tamper with the +Five Towns in an attempt to improve their washing facilities." + +"Might I suggest to the learned pundits of the House of Lords, if it is +not too late," writes Mrs. FLORENCE BARCLAY, "that a writer who, in his +day, enjoyed such a circulation as that of Sir WALTER SCOTT--this is, of +course, fundamentally a question of circulation--is not to be treated in +this cavalier fashion? For oneself, whatever fate may be in store for +the precious local associations of one's past work, it is fortunately +possible to make the future secure. I am laying the scene of my new +romance, of which the fifth chapter is almost completed, on the top of +an inaccessible hill." + +Mr. H. G. WELLS points out that there is no particular need in his case +to take action. He hopes that by the day when the conditions in time and +space of his latest novel come into being every household in the country +will be supplied with its own water by a process of filtered absorption +from the atmosphere. + +It is anticipated that something definite will be done by the special +committee of the Authors Society which has been appointed with the view +of extending the law of copyright so as to secure the author's undoubted +property in his local associations. + + * * * * * + +BILLET DOUX. + + +Monday's breakfast is never a jovial affair. One always has the feeling +that something dreadful has happened or is going to happen. Thus, three +days ago I had with a light heart handed over my practice to a locum and +my books to an accountant, telling the one to look up my bad patients +and the other to look up my bad debts, while I went away to end the week +with the Wrefords. Twelve hours ago it had seemed that I should never +know such happiness in this world again as I had found with them, and +here we all were on Monday morning with everything changed, Mrs. Wreford +sulking in bed and Wreford displaying a polite but firm hatred of me and +all the world. In this case my feeling was that something dreadful _was_ +happening. + +"Mornin', Wreford," said I, as I took my place at table. + +"Mornin', Everall," he grunted, barely looking up from his letters, and +that seemed to end the dialogue. When, however, one's host is also one's +most valuable patient, there is call for a special effort. He had all +the correspondence, I had none; in an emergency this suggested itself as +a matter of comment. + +"To me," I said chattily, "things seem to be just as badly managed at +the Post Office as they were in SAMUEL'S time." + +"Was there a post office in those days?" he asked, without noticeable +enthusiasm. + +"_The_ SAMUEL HERBERT," I explained, and that again seemed to end it. + +After a pause, "However," I said kindly, "you enjoy your letters and I +will find what consolation and company I can in a poached egg." + +"Enjoy?" asked Wreford. "But you are being sarcastic, no doubt." + +"Only panel doctors can afford to be that," I murmured. + +Wreford's first letter appeared to pain him, and he looked at me +sternly, as if the evils of this life were all my fault. Then he unbent +a little. + +"Tell me, Everall," said he, "have you enjoyed your little visit to us?" + +The question took me by surprise but it was, at any rate, one to be +answered in the affirmative. + +"And you are proportionately grateful?" he pursued. + +I protested, somewhat lamely, that I most certainly was. + +"Gratitude, it seems," said he, "may express itself in the most odd +manner." + +"Mine," I replied stiffly, "will express itself in the customary +letter." + +"What, another?" he asked, adding, after a pause, "Do you refer to the +note which your solicitors will write me forthwith and charge me +three-and-sixpence for?" + +I thought deeply but was baffled. "It is full early in the morning for +the cryptic and abstruse," I said. + +Wreford sighed as he slowly folded up his letter and put it in its +envelope. "It is the one moment in the week," he explained, "when the +very worst must be expected." + +I begged him to elucidate the position. + +"Suppose," said he, "you had invited a man to stay with you for the +week-end, had motored him down from town on the Friday night and given +him dinner and a nice big bed, and on Saturday more meals and more bed, +and on Sunday still more meals and still more bed, and on the Monday +morning a nice yellow-and-white poached egg all to himself." + +"I quite appreciate all that," said I. + +"And suppose, while he was still sitting at your table and working his +way through the bit of toast where the egg once sat, you received a +letter from him." + +"A letter from me?" I cried. + +"You said your thanks would be expressed in a letter, but the +promptitude of it has surprised even yourself, hasn't it? I should have +received it yesterday, but that there is no Sunday post, happily." + +"You remember I said I was very grateful," said I, still not +understanding. + +"And I said that gratitude had a queer way of expressing itself +sometimes," said he, handing over the letter at last. "Read it aloud," +he added; "I find the style original." + +"Harley Street, W. 25th April, 1914," I read. "Thomas Wreford, Esquire, +debtor to John Everall. For professional services, 1912 to 1913, +thirty-eight guineas." + +"Go on," he said. "The postscript is where your gratitude becomes the +most exuberant." + +"Your attention will oblige," I finished. + +"Well, what do you think of it?" he asked with a smile. + +"I prefer not to," said I, also smiling tentatively. + +There was a silence. "However," said Wreford eventually, "let us say no +more about it." At this my smile became firmer and more expansive. "Let +us agree," he said significantly, "to let bygones be bygones." + +My smile died out suddenly, as smiles do on a Monday morning. + + * * * * * + + "In practice yesterday Mr. Hilton did 72 in a three-hole match." + + _Liverpool Daily Post._ + +We must challenge him at once. + + * * * * * + + HIGHWAY LOOT. + + + Ah! the lapse of courtly manners, + Ah! the change from knighthood's code + Since the day when oil and spanners + Ousted horseflesh from the road! + This I realised most fully + Last week-end at Potter's Bar + When a beetle-flattening bully + Held me up in Laura's car. + + "Where," I shouted, "are the graces, + Officer, of days long dead? + Never mind how hot our pace is, + Conjure up the past instead; + Dream of chaises and postilions, + Turnpike bars that ope and shut; + Try to get some more resilience + Into your confounded nut. + + "Blooms are bursting in the covers + Even as they burst to-day + (Not to mention tyres); two lovers + Post to Scotland, let us say; + Sudden from the hedge comes TURPIN, + Pistols cocked and debonair; + Both the horses stand up perpen- + dicularly in the air. + + "What occurs? The gallant caitiff, + Noticing the swain is poor + (Courtesy with him is native, + Not like you, suburban boor), + Bows, and says in accents sunny, + 'Pass along, Sir--make good speed; + I'm convinced you've got no money + And I do not want your bleed. + + "'Sweet be Maytime to your noses; + Short is life, but love is sweet, + There's a city man named Moses + Whom I've simply got to meet; + On you go, you two young larkers;' + Then he bids his Jew disgorge + Or reserves his brace of barkers + For the coach of D. LLOYD GEORGE. + + "Such the good high Toby fashion; + Surely in your bosom stirs, + Constable, a like compassion + For our two poor cylinders; + All we have is vile and shoddy; + See that low-hung touring brute-- + There's a bonnet! there's a body + Worthy of a road-knight's loot!" + + Thus I spake; but, still phlegmatic, + Imperturbable and stout, + Rendering Doric for my Attic, + Robert pulled his note-book out; + Said, "Me dooty is me dooty," + And retiring to his trench + Pondered further schemes of booty + For the footpads on the Bench. + + EVOE. + + * * * * * + + "The enthusiasm of the people was so great that it was not damped + by a real Scotch milk."--_Liverpool Courier._ + +When did whisky ever damp the enthusiasm of a Scotch crowd? + + * * * * * + + +ROYAL ACADEMY--SECOND DEPRESSIONS. + +Illustration: _Harlequin._ "Never Mind, My Dear; I'll Have A Few Words +To Say To The Limelight Man About This!" + + * * * * * + +Illustration: THE CARD-SHARPERS. + +_Near Female._ "Stop Cheating For A Minute While I Get My Portrait +Taken." + + * * * * * + +Illustration: A PHANTASY IN THE CENTRAL HALL.--"CAUGHT." + + * * * * * + +Illustration: A DEADLOCK. + +"IF WE GO FORWARD WE'LL GET SUNSTROKE, AND IF WE GO BACK THERE'S A +BLIZZARD; SO WE MAY AS WELL STOP WHERE WE ARE AND HAVE OUR PICTURE +PAINTED." + + * * * * * + +Illustration: FLOODS IN THE THAMES VALLEY. + +The family of a well-known stockbroker takes advantage of the situation +to practise a little first-aid, and incidentally get on with the week's +washing. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: SINGULAR APATHY OF AGRICULTURAL LABOURERS DURING AN INVASION. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _The Sea-Maiden._ "Catch me!" + +_The Shrimp-Hunter (regretfully)._ "I'D LIKE TO, BUT UNFORTUNATELY THIS +IS THE CLOSE SEASON FOR MERMAIDS." + + * * * * * + +Illustration: THE ART OF ACHIEVING THE IMPOSSIBLE--A CUBIST PICTURE GETS +A PLACE ON THE LINE. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: YOUTHFUL ATHLETES, WHILE TRAINING FOR THE NEXT OLYMPIC GAMES +(THREE-LEGGED RACE), ARE HAMPERED BY THE PRESENCE OF LARGE, FIERCE +BIRDS. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _First Territorial._ "WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF OUR +MANOEUVRES, BILL?" + +_Second Territorial (hitherto unacquainted with field-days)._ "THANK +'EVIN WE'VE GOT A NIVY!" + + * * * * * + +BELOW THE WEIR. + + + Beyond the punt the swallows go + Like blue-black arrows to and fro, + Now stooping where the rushes grow, + Now flashing o'er a shallow; + And overhead in blue and white + High Spring and Summer hold delight; + "All right!" the black-cap calls, "All right!" + His mate says from the sallow. + + O dancing stream, O diamond day, + O charm of lilac-time and May. + O whispering meadows green and gay, + O fair things past believing! + Could but the world stand still, stand still + When over wood and stream and hill + This morn's eternal miracle + The rosy Hours are weaving! + + Eternal, for I like to think + That mayflowers, crimson, white and pink, + When I am dust the boughs shall prink, + On days to live and die for; + That sun and cloud, as now, shall veer, + And streams run tumbling off the weir, + Where still the mottled trout rolls clear + For other men to try for. + + I like to think, when I shall go + To this essential dust, that so + I yet may share in flowers that blow, + And with such brave sights mingle, + If tossed by summer breeze on high + I'm carried where the cuckoos cry + And dropped beside old Thames to lie + A sand-grain on a shingle. + + Meanwhile the swallows flash and skim + Like blue-black arrows notched and trim, + And splendid kingcups lift a brim + Of gold to king or peasant, + And 'neath a sky of blue and white + High Spring with Summer weaves delight; + "All right!" the black-cap calls, "all right!" + And life is very pleasant. + + * * * * * + +THE LANGUAGE OF COLOUR. + + +"My dear Clarice," I said, "I may say, in the circumstances, my very +dear Clarice, I like being engaged--to you, that is; no, I've never been +engaged before--but I don't see the sense of getting married. Even the +State seems to deride the idea of our union." + +"What do you mean?" said Clarice. "I'm almost alarmed. Have they +discovered that you suffered from toothache as a boy?" + +"It isn't," I said, "a question of eugenics. I was at Somerset House +to-day getting a copy of my birth certificate, and----" + +"They surely didn't say anything about our engagement at Somerset House. +I didn't suppose they even knew of it," said Clarice. + +"Ill news travels apace," I said. "But that by the way. I was about to +say that red is a noble colour. It is a bold, a striking colour. A day +on which a great event occurs is called 'a red letter day.' Black, on +the other hand, may mean nothing, or it may denote sadness." + +"Why this going off at a tangent?" said Clarice. "Why this dissertation +on colours?" + +"I say, that's a good word--I mean that long one just near the end. Did +you really learn it, or did you merely come by it? But, as I was saying, +red is a colour used for indicating notable events. The State considers +a birth is a notable event. Birth certificates are printed in red." + +"And death certificates," said Clarice, "in black, I suppose?" + +"Yes," I said, "a delicate hint that the State feels sad." + +"And marriage certificates?" asked Clarice. + +"Ah!" I said, "that's the strange thing. Nothing may be implied really, +but it is significant that they print them in----" + +"Purple?" said Clarice eagerly. + +"Verdant green," I said. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: THE NEW SHYLOCK. + +MR. REDMOND. "LOOK HERE, I UNDERSTOOD YOU WERE TO GET ME MY FULL POUND +OF FLESH!" + +MR. ASQUITH (_his counsel_). "YES, YES, I KNOW: BUT IT RATHER LOOKS NOW +AS IF WE MIGHT HAVE TO SETTLE FOR THREE-QUARTERS." + + * * * * * + +Illustration: MR. LLOYD GEORGE Regards MR. BALFOUR'S Attitude as +Bellicose. + +"If every conciliatory offer put forward by the Government is to be +treated in the spirit displayed by the right hon. gentleman, that is the +way to promote civil war." + + _Mr. LLOYD GEORGE._ + + * * * * * + +Illustration: THE BILL AND THE AMENDING BILL. + +_Nurse ASQUITH._ "Now, take the powder like a good boy." + +_Master BONAR LAW._ "Where's the jam?" + +_Nurse ASQUITH._ "Oh, that comes later." + +_Master BONAR LAW._ "Well, I want to see it now. What's it made of?" + +_Nurse ASQUITH._ "I must have notice of that question." + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +(EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.) + + +_House of Commons, Monday, May 11._--For a while PRIME MINISTER'S +protest against inordinate questioning, his announcement of +determination not to take part in further shorter catechism more or less +distantly related to the "plot" and the "coup," had wholesome effect. As +he stated, since the plot was discovered he had made seven hundred +replies to friendly inquiries. A Member below Gangway to his right added +the seven hundred and first. Wanted to know whether it is true that the +argumentative questions crowding the notice paper are the product of a +factory in the neighbourhood of Parliament Street, presided over by an +official whose name suggests that he has been "made in Germany." +Expeditiously turned out, as from a sausage machine, is it true that +they are nicely sorted and distributed among Members of the Opposition, +who in turn pelt the PREMIER with them? + +After brief lull epidemic breaks out afresh. Twenty-three Questions +addressed to PRIME MINISTER to-day appear on printed paper. As each, +with the aid of semi-colons, represents two, three, occasionally five +distinct queries they reach aggregate of half a hundred. This not +counting Supplementaries. + +Happily the PREMIER is incomparable master of the rare art of brief +reply, wherein he presents pleasing contrast to the manner of his old +master, GLADSTONE. Had he chanced to be Premier when the Fourth Party +were struggling into notoriety their task would have been more +difficult, their triumph delayed if not unattainable. + +When GRANDOLPH, WOLFF and GORST, with PRINCE ARTHUR looking on, set +themselves to "draw GLADSTONE," as was their custom of an afternoon, +that astute personage became as a child in their hands. GRANDOLPH led +off with a question, to which long reply was made. WOLFF, profusely +grateful for the right hon. gentleman's courtesy, shunted the PREMIER on +to another track, along which he cheerfully sprinted. Then came JOHN O' +GORST. With the subtlety of a trained but not practising barrister he +put a third question, drawing a third speech. Thus merrily sped a +quarter of an hour or twenty minutes, deferring by so much the progress +of public business. + +ASQUITH'S share in the conversation at the Question hour is based on a +familiar Biblical injunction. It is largely composed of "Yea, yea," and +"Nay, nay." In the case alluded to, wherein the Fourth Party gave play +to their insatiable desire for information, he would have replied to +GRANDOLPH, "Yes, Sir;" to WOLFF, "No, Sir." Had he been exceptionally +lured into verbosity he might have gone as far as to say, "The answer is +in the negative," or "in the affirmative," as the case might be. As for +JOHN O' GORST, he would have referred him to a speech made on a +particular preceding date, "to which I have nothing to add." + +_Business done._--LLOYD GEORGE further explains his Budget. Resolutions +founded thereupon agreed to. + +_Tuesday._--What at outset promised to be businesslike debate verging on +dulness suddenly leapt into flame and fury, signifying angry passion +stirred by Home Rule Bill. In studiously moderate speech PREMIER moved +resolution identical with that adopted last year, whereby Committee +stage of Home Rule Bill, Welsh Church Disestablishment and Plural Voting +will be forgone. Pointed out that Committee stage is designed for +purpose of providing opportunity of amending Bills. Since under +Parliament Act none of these measures can be amended in the Commons, +what use to go into Committee on them? + +Being in increasingly businesslike mood PREMIER went a step further. +Abandoned proposal to submit and discuss "suggestions" to Home Rule +Bill. Authoritatively announced by WALTER LONG and others that the Lords +are predetermined to throw it out on second reading. What use then to +formulate and discuss suggestions that could be dealt with by the Lords +only in subsequent Committee? Finally announced intention of getting +Bill through all Parliamentary stages before Whitsuntide, placing it on +Statute Book by automatic process of Parliament Act. Will then bring in +Amending Bill dealing with Ulster. + +It was PRINCE ARTHUR who roused crowded House from chilled condition +following upon douche of this application of ordinary business +principles to legislative procedure. In best fighting form. Stirred to +profoundest depths of scorn for actual working of that detested statute, +the Parliament Act. + +"We are," he said, amid strident cheers from Opposition, welcoming their +old captain back to the fighting line, "asked to force through under the +Parliament Act a Bill which by hypothesis requires amendment. What is +worse than that is that we are to be compelled to read it a third time +and to part with it while we know that it is to be amended, but while we +have not the smallest conception in what respects or in what way." +Insisted that before Home Rule Bill is added to Statute Book Parliament +should know in what points it would be amended. "Let us have the +Amending Bill first." + +PRINCE ARTHUR having stirred the embers of slumbering fire, CHANCELLOR +OF EXCHEQUER vigorously fanned them. + +"If," he said, "every conciliatory offer put forward by the Government +is to be treated in the spirit displayed by the right hon. gentleman, +that is the way to promote civil war." + +Hereupon storm burst over Opposition quarters. Shouts of "Shame!" and +"Liar" hurtled through the suddenly heated atmosphere. The CHANCELLOR'S +attempt to proceed with his speech baffled by continuous +cry,--"Withdraw! Withdraw!" At length SPEAKER interposed with suggestion +that the CHANCELLOR had been misunderstood. Claimed for him the right of +explanation. This conceded, LLOYD GEORGE pointed out that what he had +meant to say was that argument such as that forthcoming from Front +Opposition Bench, making it difficult for the Government to submit +proposals of peace, would have effect of promoting civil war. + +PRINCE ARTHUR naturally falling into "old style" of House of Commons +debate, not only frankly accepted explanation but chivalrously took upon +himself blame of the outbreak, which he said "apparently arose from an +unfortunate expression of mine." Ended with pretty turn of grave satire +that greatly pleased the House. + +After this, debate quietly proceeded to appointed end, everyone mutely +invoking + + Blessings on the falling out + That all the more endears, + When we fall out with those we love + And kiss again with tears. + +_Business done._--PREMIER'S resolution carried by 276 votes against 194. +Majority 82. House of Lords by common consent passed second reading of +useful little Bill for protection of grey seals threatened with +extinction by mercenary sportsmen. + +_Thursday._--Remarkable how SHAKSPEARE (or was it BACON?) wrote not only +for all time but for all circumstance. The marvel came to light again in +scene in House yesterday. + +Writing of the time of _Romeo and Juliet_ SHAKSPEARE reports dialogue +between two fighting men of the houses of _Capulet_ and _Montague._ +Meeting _Sampson_ in a public place in Verona, _Abram_ truculently asks, +"Do you bite your thumb at us, Sir? + +_Sam._ I do bite my thumb, Sir. + +_Abr._ Do you bite your thumb at us, Sir? + +_Sam. (aside, to his comrade _Gregory). Is the law on our side if I say +ay? + +_Greg._ No. + +_Sam._ No, Sir, I do not bite my thumb at you, Sir; but I bite my +thumb." + +KINLOCH-COOKE, having put question to WEDGWOOD BENN, following it up by +two supplementary inquiries, put a third when the SPEAKER interposed. +Shrugging his shoulders in silent protest against this tyranny +KINLOCH-COOKE resumed his seat. + +Said the SPEAKER sternly, "It is no good shrugging your shoulders at +me." + +This is prosaic account of incident given in this morning's papers. +Refer to _Hansard_ and see how it runs. + +_SPEAKER._ Do you shrug your shoulders at me, Sir? + +_KINLOCH-COOKE._ I do shrug my shoulders, Sir. + +_SPEAKER._ Do you shrug your shoulders at me, Sir? + +_KINLOCH-COOKE (aside to WINTERTON)._ Is there anything in the Standing +Orders that forbids my shrugging my shoulders at the SPEAKER? + +_WINTERTON (who is training for Speakership and has them all by heart)._ +Yes. + +_KINLOCH-COOKE._ No, Sir, I do not shrug my shoulders at you, Sir; but I +shrug my shoulders. + +_SPEAKER._ Order! Order! + +_Business done._--Another plot that failed. For some weeks Opposition +have not attempted to snap a division. Ministerialists, lulled into +sense of security, off guard. Secret preparations sedulously made for +trapping them this afternoon. Questions over, division challenged on +formal motion. Ministerial Whips awake in good time to emergency. Urgent +messages had been sent out to their men by telephone and special +messengers. Arrivals watched with feverish interest. Ministerialists +hurriedly drop in by twos and threes, presently by tens. ILLINGWORTH'S +massive brow, temporarily seared with wrinkles, smooths out. When, after +division, Clerk hands paper to him indicating that ambush has been +baffled, hilarious cheer rises from Ministerial benches. Renewed when +figures read by the SPEAKER show that the motion is carried by 255 votes +against 234. + +"Not a high-class game in imperial politics," says SARK. "Rather akin to +the humour of making a butter slide on the pavement for the discomfiture +of unsuspecting passers-by. But boys will be boys." + + * * * * * + +Illustration: Mr. ROWLAND HUNT IN HIS BEST FORM. + +"I don't know [laughter] what honourable Members [renewed laughter] are +laughing about [loud and prolonged laughter.]" + + * * * * * + +A NATIONAL CALAMITY. + +GREAT PERFORMER CONTEMPLATES RETIREMENT. + + +Once more the Atlantic liner has delivered Mr. Bamborough (_ne_ +Bamberger) back to us, and once more British concert-goers should in +consequence rejoice. But their natural jubilations are unfortunately +tempered by a momentous announcement which the great violinist made to +our representative at Plymouth last week, on the arrival of the _Julius +Caesar,_ to the effect that he has decided to retire from the active +pursuit of his profession. On receiving the news of this national +calamity our representative fell into a heavy swoon, and was revived +with some difficulty. The thought of the permanent withdrawal from +public life in his golden prime of the great virtuoso, with his opulent +physique, his superbly Mosaic features and his luxuriant chevelure, was +altogether too poignantly overwhelming. Let us hasten then to reassure +our readers that the blow, though it must inevitably descend one day, is +mercifully deferred for a considerable period. To begin with, Mr. +Bamborough is under contract to give five farewell tours in the United +States at intervals of four years before entering upon the penultimate +stage of his severance from the British concert platform. This, which +will begin in the autumn of 1934, is likely to continue until the year +1948, when he is booked for an extended tour in Polynesia, Japan, New +Guinea and Java. On his return to England in 1950 he proposes to give +sixty farewell recitals at intervals of three months, culminating in a +grand concert at the Albert Hall. + +"And then," mused the illustrious artist, "farewell to the platform for +ever! I find it hard indeed to realise that the concert-going public and +I by that time will have been intimate friends for more than seventy +years, but so it will be, for I was only nine when I made my first +appearance in London, in a velvet knickerbocker suit with pearl buttons +and a Fauntleroy collar. Still, it will all make a lovely retrospect for +me, and when I finally retire it will be with a heart very full of +gratitude to my generous friends in all four hemispheres of the globe." + +"And after that?" suggested our representative, now partially restored +by these reassuring tidings. + +"After that--literature," was the emphatic reply. "I have already signed +a contract with Messrs. Goodleigh and Champ to write my Reminiscences in +the form of a Musical Encyclopaedia. My father-in-law, Sir Pompey +Boldero, is giving me valuable assistance in preparing the material, but +as he is already sixty-five I cannot, unhappily, count with absolute +confidence on his being spared to witness the completion of the work. +Still, he is so full of vigour that M. METCHNIKOFF considers his chances +of becoming a centenarian decidedly promising. In any case the +collaboration of my children, whose filial devotion is only equalled by +their talent, is secured, and Mrs. Bamborough, as you know, wields a +vivid and trenchant pen. But literature will not occupy all my time. My +estancia in the Argentine will need supervision, and I hope to spend an +occasional summer in the Solomon Islands, where the natives are +strangely attached to us." + +Mr. Bamborough pointed out that Sir JOHNSTON FORBES-ROBERTSON, who also +returned by the _Julius Caesar,_ had only drawn receipts amounting to +L107,000 in a tour of thirty weeks' duration, while he (Mr. Bamborough) +had netted no less than L150,000 in a tour lasting twenty-seven weeks +and three days. In addition to the receipts in specie, Mr. Bamborough +had received several nuggets from the gold miners in Colorado, and a +bull moose from Mr. KERMIT ROOSEVELT, while Mrs. Bamborough had been the +recipient of a highly-trained bobolink, and a charming young +alligator from the cedar swamps of Louisiana. + +Other notable passengers on the _Julius Caesar_ were Miss Topsy Cooney, +the famous coloured pianist, who plays only on the black keys and +entirely by ear; Little Dinky, the marvellous calculating boy, who does +not know the names of the numbers; and Elaine Runnymede, the child +contralto, who can only sing the whole tone scale. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _Small Brother (whose sisters are working for their girl +guides' ambulance badge)._ "Come on, here's A bit of luck for you. I've +made Rupert's nose bleed." + + * * * * * + +Commercial Candour. + +From a catalogue:-- + + "Also made in cheaper and better quality models." + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _Grumpy._ "Better put the diamond in the safe, my boy. +You'll be ruined if anybody steals it." + +_Ernest._ "Yes, but the play will be ruined if nobody does." + + _Grumpy_ Mr. CYRIL MAUDE. + _Ernest Heron._ Mr. EDWARD COMBEMERE. + + * * * * * + + "GRUMPY." +(_As it might as well have been._) + +ACT I.--THE CRIME. + + +=Scene--_Mr. "Grumpy" Bullivant's_ library. Enter his grand-daughter +_Virginia_ and _Mrs. Maclaren._= + +_Mrs. Maclaren._ What a remarkable man Mr. Jarvis seems to be, dear--so +amusing at dinner! And he writes for _Tiddly Bits,_ he tells me. Where +_did_ you meet him? + +_Virginia._ Quite accidentally in Hyde Park. He told grandfather a long +story about a gold brick, and grandfather was so charmed with him he +asked him down at once for the week-end. + +_Mrs. Maclaren._ Such a knowledge of character your grandfather has, +love. + +_Virginia._ Yes, but you must remember he used to be the cleverest +criminal lawyer of his time. He saw directly that Mr. Jarvis was a nice +man. + +[=Exeunt.= + +=Enter _Ernest Heron_ and _"Grumpy"_ by opposite doors.= + +_Grumpy_ _(when the audiences delight at seeing _Mr. CYRIL MAUDE_ again +has at last been got under)._ Wow-wow-wow-wow-wow; tut-tut-tut-tut-tut +(_and other old-gentleman noises_). Ah, Ernest, my boy, what are you +doing here? + +_Ernest._ Just back from Africa, uncle, with a diamond weighing--I mean +costing--ninety thousand pounds in my belt, which I'm taking up to the +firm in London. May I sleep here? + +_Grumpy._ Do, my boy. (=Enter _Mr. Jarvis._=) Ah, Mr. Jarvis, let me +introduce my nephew, Mr. Heron. He's just back from Africa with a---- +(_To himself_) No, perhaps better not. Well, good night to you both. +Wow-wow-wow, tut-tut-tut-tut. + +[=Exit, followed, by _Mr. Jarvis._= + +=_Ernest_ is left alone with his diamond. Seeing a suspicious shadow at +the window he rushes to it and leans out, so as to give anybody a chance +of sand-bagging him. The chance going begging, he takes his diamond from +his belt to see if it is still there. The only other precaution he can +think of is to draw the curtains. At this moment a hand steals through +the door and turns out the lights. A terrible struggle in the dark +ensues; there is a noise of somebody's larynx going; and then the +curtain goes down and up ... to disclose, the body of poor _Ernest_ on +the floor. Is he dead? Certainly not; he's got to marry _Virginia_; but +the diamond is gone.= + +Act II.--THE SLEUTH-HOUND. + + +=Time--Next morning.= + +_Grumpy._ Tut-tut. Is everything just as it was last night? Very well, +then. You say that when you discovered Mr. Ernest he was lying on his +back, and in his right hand he was clutching this--what did you call it? + +_Ruddock (the valet)._ A dicky, Sir. A detachable shirt-front. + +_Grumpy._ Excellent. Then the first question is--to whom did +this--er--richard belong? + +_Ruddock._ Yes, Sir. + +_Grumpy (musing)._ Could it have been his own? In the fierceness of the +struggle might he have torn it off in order to give himself greater +freedom? Was he offering it to his assailant as a bribe? Was he--but +first we must find if he was wearing one at all. Call Susan. + +=Enter _Susan,_ the lady's-maid.= + +_Grumpy._ Susan, you were the first to see Mr. Ernest when he came in +last night. Did you happen to notice if he was wearing a detachable +shirt-front, a--h'm--dicky? + +_Susan._ Yes, Sir. + +_Grumpy._ Ah! (=He hands her the all-important clue.=) Was this it? + +_Susan (=examining it=)._ No, Sir. + +_Grumpy._ Tut-tut, are you sure? + +_Susan._ Yes, Sir; Mr. Ernest's was an india-rubber one. I know, because +he said he'd been travelling all day, and he asked me to sponge it for +him. + +_Grumpy._ Thank you, Susan. Ruddock, we must find that india-rubber +richard. If Ernest has his assailant's shirt-front, what more likely +than that his assailant has Ernest's? Probably they exchanged them +before the battle, as, you may remember, Glaucus and Diomed did at the +siege of Troy. + +_Ruddock._ Yes, Sir. + +_Grumpy._ Every shirt-front we see we must suspect. Let us go and look +for some. [=Exeunt.= + +=Enter _Jarvis_ and _Virginia._= + +_Virginia._ Still in evening dress, Mr. Jarvis? + +_Jarvis._ Yes, I was so busy fetching the doctor last night that I had +no time to change. I am going back to London now. (=Tenderly=) I should +like to think you had some little memento of me. (=He removes his shirt +front.=) Keep this and think of me sometimes when you look at it. + +_Virginia._ Oh, Mr. Jarvis! But I must give _you_ something too. (=She +goes out and returns with one of her grandfather's shirt-fronts.=) Wear +this in place of the one you have given me--always. [=Exit.= + +=Re-enter _Grumpy._= + +_Grumpy._ Now, Mr. Jarvis, I wonder if you would help me. You were the +first to find the body last night. Would you mind lying down in the +position in which it lay? It may give me an important clue. + +_Jarvis._ Certainly. (=He prepares to lie down.=) + +_Grumpy._ Take care, you mustn't crumple your shirt-front. Perhaps it +removes? Ah, allow me. (=He detaches it and hastily substitutes the +other one for it.=) Ah, thank you so much. Here is your shirt-front +again. + +[=Exit _Jarvis._= + +_Ruddock (=eagerly=)._ Is that it, Sir? + +_Grumpy_ (=examining Jarvis's shirt-front carefully=). No, linen, +confound it. Ruddock, we _must_ find that india-rubber richard. Who has +it? Ah! + +CURTAIN. + +ACT III.--TRAPPED. + + +=Scene--_Jarvis's_ rooms in London.= + +_Keble (his man)._ Terrible thing that assault on Mr. Heron, Sir. + +_Jarvis._ Yes, terrible. + +_Keble._ I hope they don't suspect me of it, Sir. + +_Jarvis._ Why on earth should they suspect _you_? + +_Keble._ Well, I was known to be jealous of Mr. Heron, Sir. I found +Susan sponging his shirt-front, and Susan and I are as good as engaged. +_Jarvis (=mildly interested=)._ How _can_ you sponge a shirt-front? + +_Keble._ It was an india-rubber one, Sir; they sponge off quite clean, +and save the laundry bill, Sir. My---- + +_Jarvis._ Good Heavens, I'm ruined! + +=Enter _Isaac Wolfe,_ his partner. Exit _Keble._= + +_Wolfe._ Got the diamond, my boy? + +_Jarvis (moodily)._ Yes ... I'm done for; I must leave the country. + +_Wolfe._ What d'you mean? You've got the diamond? + +_Jarvis (rapidly)._ I throttled him in the dark and got the diamond. My +shirt-front fell off in the struggle. I noticed one on the floor and +picked it up. I thought it was mine. It was his; his had fallen off too; +and he was found with mine in his hand. + +_Wolfe._ Well, why did you leave it there? + +_Jarvis._ I thought it was his own--and that, anyhow, as long as we each +had one, no one would notice. But his was an india-rubber one! + +_Wolfe._ And that's the one you've got now? Well, burn it. + +_Jarvis (=burying his face in his hands=)._ It isn't! I cannot! I gave it +to Miss Bullivant. (=Grimly=) But I shall get it back again. + +CURTAIN. + +ACT IV.--THE SLEUTH-HOUND'S TRIUMPH. + + +=The Library again.= + +_Grumpy._ Well, Virginia, and how's Ernest? Better, hey! He ought---- +Good heavens, child, what's that you've got in your hand? + +_Virginia._ Just a dicky, grandfather. + +_Grumpy (excitedly)._ Let me look ... Virginia, it's an india-rubber +one! (_Sternly_) Where did you get this? + +_Virginia._ Mr. Jarvis gave it to me. + +_Grumpy._ Mr. Jarvis! Aha! (=He hides behind the sofa.=) + +=Enter _Mr. Jarvis._= + +_Jarvis (-to _Virginia_=)._ I'm afraid my conduct must seem very strange, +but I had to come back to see you. I--er--lost the shirt-front you gave +me. Could you let me have my own back again? You see, I'm going abroad +and I must have _one._ + +_Grumpy (=popping his head up=)._ Ah, Mr. Jarvis, did I hear you asking +for a shirt-front? Allow me to offer you one--an india-rubber one, Mr. +Jarvis! (=_Jarvis blenches._=) And the price, Mr. Jarvis, is the diamond +in your waistcoat-pocket! + +CURTAIN--=except that _Ernest_ gets engaged to _Virginia_ first.= + + * * * * * + +_Postscript._--On reading this through I feel that it hardly does +justice to the clever acting of Mr. MAUDE as an always delightful old +gentleman, the excellent support given him by the rest of the company, +and the pleasantly exciting melodrama provided for them by Messrs. +HORACE HODGES and T. W. PERCYVAL. To all of them my thanks for an +entertaining evening. + + A. A. M. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _Pat (having hung up an ostrich's egg on the hen-house +door)._ "There, ye deginerate little spalpeens, look at that and thry +what ye can do!" + + * * * * * + +From a letter to _The Scotsman_:-- + + "It goes without saying that when recognising a friend in the + street one raises one's hat by the hand removed from that friend." + +Of course. But it is proper to return the hand immediately after the +little ceremony with a few words of thanks. + + * * * * * + + "For the latter an excuse must be offered in that he was badly hit + on the left hip by the previous ball--a yorker--to that which + bowled him."--_Evening News._ + +In the over before he had been stunned by a sneak. + + * * * * * + +_The Yorkshire Daily Observer_ on the income tax:-- + + "A Bradford widow has been left with five children under 15 years + of age. Her income is L300 a ear." + +Or L3,600 in all. We refuse to be moved by her hard case. + + * * * * * + + "Miscellaneous Volumes. 10s. per cwt. (No theology.) + + Theology. 5s. 6d. per cwt."--_Catalogue._ + +Money being tight, we are ordering 8 stone 7 lbs. of theology for the +drawing-room. + + * * * * * + + "The Government has introduced another Bill to regulate the sale of + milk and the inspection of dairies. This disgracefully dilutory + Parliament of ours has been playing with similar Bills for five + years."--_Daily Herald._ + +The dilutory milkman is really more to blame. + + * * * * * + +MEDIATION. + + +[SCENE--_A room at Niagara Falls. The Argentine, the Brazilian and the +Chilian mediators are mediating; that is to say, they are sitting on +rocking chairs not very close to a large table covered with papers, +pens, ink, etc. A deep noise of falling water pervades the air. Out of +compliment to Canada the conversation is carried on in English._] + +_Argentine Mediator._ Cold, isn't it? + +_Brazilian Mediator._ Yes, there's a great deal of cold in the +atmosphere. + +_Chilian Mediator._ We often get it colder than this in Chili. + +(_A pause._) + +_A. M._ There's a lot of water coming down. + +_B. M._ Yes, and it keeps coming, too, doesn't it? + +_C. M._ It isn't as noisy as I thought it would be, though. + +_A. M._ Oh, I don't know. It's quite noisy enough. + +_B. M._ Yes, it's very difficult to concentrate one's mind. We've got a +waterfall in Brazil which has the same effect. You can't do any work +near it. People go there for a rest-cure. + +_C. M._ There are a good many waterfalls in Chili, too, and they make +more noise than this one. + +(_A pause._) + +_A. M._ How long do you think we shall be here? + +_B. M._ A week, or a month, or a year--I don't know. + +_C. M._ It's a dull place, isn't it? + +_A. M._ Yes, it is, dull as ditchwater. + +_B. M._ Dull as a ditchwaterfall. Ha, ha. + +_C. M. and A. M. (together)._ Ha, ha. That's capital. + +_B. M._ You fellows must remind me to telegraph that home to Brazil. + +_A. M._ By the way, I see ROOSEVELT has been in Brazil. + +_B. M._ Yes; isn't it awful? + +_G. M._ Discovered a river, hasn't he? + +_B. M._ Something of that sort. He'll discover the world next. + +_A. M._ Anyhow, I'm glad he's not here. + +_B. M._ By Jove, yes. Wouldn't it be dreadful if he were? + +_C. M._ Don't. You make my flesh creep. + +_B. M._ After all, I'm not sure he's worse than WILSON. They're all +alike, these Yankees. I've no use for them and their MONROE Doctrine; +have you? + +_A. M._ Not the slightest. If they think we're children they'll soon +find out their mistake. + +_C. M._ Hear, hear! + +(_A pause._) + +_A. M._ Anything new from Mexico? + +_B. M._ No. Same old game. + +_C. M._ What's HUERTA up to? + +_B. M._ Sitting tight. + +_A. M._ And what's VILLA doing? + +_B. M._ Oh, he's been capturing Tampico a good deal lately. + +_C. M._ Isn't a fellow called ZAPATA chipping in somewhere? + +_B. M._ Yes, he's having a go too. + +(_A pause._) + +_A. M._ I say, you men, I've got an idea. + +_B. M._ Out with it, then. + +_C. M._ Yes, let's have it. + +_A. M._ Well, then, suppose we start by saying that HUERTA and WILSON +must _both_ be eliminated. That'll please both sides. HUERTA will be +tickled to death if WILSON has to go, and WILSON will be delighted at +our backing up his policy. What do you think? + +_B. M._ I can't think at all in this noise. + +_C. M._ Nor can I, but I daresay it's all right. + +_A. M._ I'm glad you like the idea. It's fair to both sides, you see. +That's what mediation's for. + +(_Left mediating._) + + * * * * * + + THE BATH UNREST. + + + My bath awaits me! It contains to-night, + Besides the customary water--stay: + Before I name ingredients, let me say + Exactly who and what I am who write. + + (My bath awaits me!) I am known to fame, + First, as a rising music-hall artiste; + But, secondly and chiefly, I'm the beast + Who Puts Things in his Bath. You've met my name. + + (My bath awaits me!) People come, you see, + With sample packets of the Lord knows what, + And want me to "endorse" the silly rot. + Well, I "endorse"; receiving L. _s._ _d._ + + (My bath awaits me!) But I specialise + In baths. I will not "like it in my soup," + Nor "take five drops before I loop the loop"; + Nor will I "find it helps to keep off flies." + + (My bath awaits me!) Am I over-nice? + I cannot "thank you for the lovely sox," + Nor shall "my children quarrel for the box." + I Put It In My Bath. Let that suffice. + + (My bath awaits me!) Now, to take the list: + Mustard, by thirteen makers; salt, by six; + Saponica; Shampoona; Sozothrix; + Eau-de-Cologne (nine samples); Bathex; Vrist. + + (My bath awaits me!) These and more than these + (I drop the catalogue) in pungent strife, + Stench hard at grips with stench for loathly life, + Yon seething cauldron holds. Excuse a sneeze. + + (My bath awaits me!) Why the cauldron? Why + Not desecrate the dustbin? Here's the rub: + All the endorsements specify my tub; + The dustbin is not mentioned. Can I lie? + + (My bath awaits me!) So I made a vow, + Soon as the groaning shelf could bear no more, + In one doomed bath to mix 'em. What I swore + I've done. The night of reckoning is now. + + My bath awaits me! True. But then I said + Not "use" but "put." Why have my beastly bath? + Bed, too, awaits me; be the bedward path + My choice. I do not Put Things in my Bed. + + * * * * * + + "The following are good dishes for a small luncheon, not a complete + menu, but suggestions for filling one out with those light and + tempting dishes which the jaded modern palate so greatly prefers to + the solid English cookery of our forefathers."--_Truth._ + +That is all very well, but if one really wants filling out these little +kickshaws are no good; roast beef and Yorkshire pudding is the thing. + + * * * * * + + "Folds of net and thick white face lighten the effect of the + corsage."--_Westminster Gazette._ + +The writer seems keen, but we are not. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: THE SCRUTINEER. + +_Eliza Jane._ "'Ere, that last one didn't seem like a full sack to me." + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + + +Not the least attractive feature in Madame WADDINGTON'S new book, _My +First Years as a Frenchwoman_ (SMITH, ELDER), is the revelation, +undesignedly made, of a keen-sighted, vivacious, exceedingly womanly +woman. During her residence in France as the wife of a highly placed +Minister she had rare opportunity of watching the progress of historic +events from a favoured standpoint behind the scenes. When she married M. +WADDINGTON, in later years known to this country as French Ambassador, +the National Assembly was sitting at Versailles. THIERS, first President +of the Republic, had been overthrown and MACMAHON reigned in his stead. +Madame WADDINGTON was brought into personal touch with these statesmen, +with their successors, JULES GREVY, DE FREYCINET, CARNOT and with their +varied _entourage._ Of each she has something shrewd, sprightly and +informing to say. While immersed in international politics, perhaps not +wholly free from anxious conviction that she was in some measure +responsible for their direction, she had a seeing eye for frocks. +Frequently, when describing social gatherings at the height of political +crises, she stops to tell you how some lady was dressed and how the +apparel suited her. Amongst other men of the epoch she has something to +say about BLOWITZ, the famous Paris correspondent of _The Times._ It is +evident that, without premeditation, he managed to offend the lady. She +reports how Prince HOHENLOHE expressed a high opinion of the journalist, +remarking, "He is marvellously well-informed of all that is going on." +"It was curious," writes Madame, "how a keen clever man like the Prince +attached so much importance to anything Blowitz said." For the +side-lights which it flashes on high life in Paris at a critical period +of the Republic the volume possesses exceptional value. + + * * * * * + +The subtleties of human motives, the fine problems of temperament, the +delicate interplay of masculine logic and feminine intuition, what are +these compared to blood, thunder, plots, counter-plots, earthquakes and, +from the final chaos, the salvage of the "sweetest woman on earth" +effected in the nick of time by a herculean and always imperturbable +hero? Mr. FRANK SAVILE is not out to analyse souls. The opening chapter +of _The Red Wall_ (NELSON) plunges us into a fray, irrelevant to the +narrative save in so far as it introduces _Dick Blake_ and _Eileen +O'Creagh_ and removes any possible doubt that might ever have been felt +as to their respective merits and their mutual suitability. That +preliminary complete, we proceed to the real business of the agenda, and +momentous, passionate, nefarious, diabolical, mysterious and incessantly +exciting business it is, covering the gamut of private emotions and +international complications. In such narratives I demand three things: +the first, that my author should combine a graphic (and grammatical) +style with the professional knack of imparting an air of probability to +his tale; the second, that things should go all wrong in the beginning +and come all right in the end; the third, that if any German schemers +are involved these should be eventually outwitted. Mr. SAVILE has +abundantly satisfied me in all particulars; although I incline to carp +at the opportuneness with which nature is made to erupt from time to +time, and I venture to suggest that men and women never were and are +probably never going to be like _Dick_ and _Eileen._ The book is, +however, of the sort which is to be read and enjoyed but not considered +further. + + * * * * * + +_Joe Quinney,_ the curiosity shop man in Mr. HORACE ANNESLEY VACHELL'S +_Quinneys'_ (MURRAY), is undoubtedly a "card," not unrelated, I should +say, to Mr. BENNETT'S _Machen._ He is an entertaining fellow with his +enthusiasms, his truculences, his fluctuating standards of honesty. Mr. +VACHELL didn't quite get me to believe in _Joe's_ expert knowledge, +which indeed seemed to be turned on and off in rather an arbitrary way +as the exigencies of the story rather than the development and +experience of the character dictated; but he did make me see and like +the fellow. _Mrs. Quinney,_ that faithful timid soul, is admirably +drawn, both in her courtship and her matronly days. But I found +_Quinney_ a little hypocritical in his denunciation of _Miggott_, the +chair-faker, who was not really sailing half so close to the wind or so +profitably as _Quinney_ and his bibulous friend of a dealer, _Tamlin._ +There are some interesting side-lights upon the astonishing tricks of +the furniture trade, which are reflected by the authentic experience of +the bitten wise. An entertaining and clever book; but why, why should H. +A. V. drop from his Hill into the discreditable fellowship of those who +have misquoted "honoured in the breach"? + + * * * * * + +Anybody can understand how extremely annoying and inconvenient the +complete disappearance of a husband would be to a wife after a mere +fortnight or so of married existence, before he had even begun to +complain of the--well, anyhow that is what happens in Mrs. BELLOC +LOWNDES'S latest novel, _The End of Her Honeymoon_ (METHUEN). The +_Dampiers_ arrive in Paris, a Paris _en fete_ and crowded beyond all +custom because of the state visit of the TSAR, and are obliged to occupy +rooms on different floors of the _Poulains'_ hotel. Next morning _Mrs. +Dampier_ awakes to find herself in the awkward predicament of Ariadne on +the beach of Naxos, with the aggravation (spared to Theseus' bride) that +the hotel people absolutely deny that she came with a husband at all. A +punctilious if sceptical American senator (refreshingly guiltless of +accent) and his enthusiastic son and daughter take pity on her, and the +rest of the book resolves itself into a detective story, saved from +conventionality by the pleasantly distinguished style in which the +author writes and the intimate knowledge which she appears to possess of +the Paris _prefecture de police._ _Gerald Burton,_ the young American, +not entirely platonic in his solicitude, is baffled; _Salgas_, a famous +enquiry agent, is baffled; and I am ready to take very long odds against +the reader's unravelling the mystery, unless he happens to be familiar +with a certain legend of the plague (though no plague comes in here). +Indeed, it is only a chance conversation in the last chapter that throws +light, my dear Watson, on this particularly _bizarre_ affair. And what +then, you ask, had happened to _Jack Dampier_ after all? Ah! + + * * * * * + +I wonder why it is that so many books about walking tours should be +written in much the same style. At least I don't really wonder at all, +since it is quite apparent that R. L. S. and _Modestine_ are the models +responsible for this state of things. And, since the style in itself is +pleasant enough, I don't know that any one need complain. What put me +upon this reflection was _Vagabonds in Perigord_ (CONSTABLE), which, for +the modulation of its prose, might almost have been an unacknowledged +work of the Master, but is actually written by Mr. H. H. BASHFORD. It +concerns the wanderings on foot of certain pleasure pilgrims along the +course of the river Dordogne; and is, for those that like such things, +one of the most attractive volumes I have met this great while. I liked +especially the author's happy gift of filling his pages with a holiday +atmosphere; there is, indeed, so much fresh air and sunshine in them +that the sympathetic reader will emerge feeling mentally bronzed. Nor +does Mr. BASHFORD lack an agreeable humour of phrase. "Those wonderful +three-franc dinners that seem to fall like manna upon France at seven +o'clock every evening" is an example that lingers in my memory. +Moreover, running through the whole is a hidden joke, and very cunningly +hidden too, only to be revealed in the last paragraphs. Not for worlds +would I reveal it here; I content myself with admitting that I for one +was entirely fooled. I am less sure whether as a record of travel the +book tempts to emulation. The drawbacks are perhaps too vividly rendered +for this--heat and thirst through the flaming June days, and by night +not wholly unbroken repose. But I am delighted to read about it all. + + * * * * * + +BRAM STOKER, whose too early cutting off saddened a wide circle of +friends, was the Fat Boy of modern writers of fiction. He knew how to +provide opportunity in fullest measure for making your flesh creep. A +series of stories named after the first, _Dracula's Guest_ (ROUTLEDGE), +is a marvellous collection of weird fancies wrought with ingenuity, +related with graphic power, that come as near EDGAR ALLAN POE as +anything I am acquainted with. There are nine, widely varying in subject +and plot. I have read them all, and am not ashamed to confess that, +finishing one before commencing another of the fascinating series, I +found it convenient and agreeable to turn aside for a while and glance +over less exciting pages. Not the least marvellous thing about the +banquet is that it is provided at the modest charge of a shilling. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: (_A nervous individual, having been advised by a +specialist that he must undergo an operation, calls upon his own doctor +to ask him to administer the anaesthetic._) + +_The Doctor (a conscientious practitioner)._ "Well! I will administer +the anaesthetic, but--you know, I never like doing it. _The jury are +always down on the anaesthetist._" + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. +146, MAY 20, 1914*** + + +******* This file should be named 24720.txt or 24720.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/4/7/2/24720 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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